# How do I get my husband to take care of his health?



## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

My husband is 36 years old, and I'm 32. We've been together for seven years, married for two and a half. We have a very happy relationship, and we want it to last for the rest of our lives. However, I'm burdened about his health. His father died in 2009 at age 58 from a heart attack after two triple bypasses; he was a heavy smoker and ate poorly, although he was very thin. His mother has a laundry list of health concerns, including heart problems, diabetes, and colitis. Neither of his parents ever taught him how to make healthy choices regarding diet, exercise, managing stress, etc. On my side, my parents both have heart disease and diabetes, and I've seen firsthand what a huge hindrance that can be to living a full life. I'm worried that my husband will get to his 50s or 60s and then become disabled by health problems - or worse. I don't want the person I spend my years building a life with to die before he can enjoy it with me.

My husband:

Has a very demanding job in IT at an oil refinery where he's one of only two people in his department. He loves the job, but he does not handle stress on the job well at all - he is a perfectionist and he can't stand when things remain undone or pile up. He works very hard, which is admirable, but he's too demanding of himself and doesn't do a good job of balancing work and home. When he gets home, he's too exhausted to do much anything else.
Does not like to eat vegetables or salads or most healthy foods, although eats pretty much everything I cook, and I cook as healthy as possible while being realistic about what he will eat. (For example, I usually use ground turkey in place of ground beef and opt for lowfat dairy, etc.) When he's out at a restaurant or fast food, he often gets very high fat/sugar/salt choices.
Doesn't exercise at all, but does do physical labor on the job. He has pronation/weak ankles and won't do certain activities that put strain on them (understandable). He's pretty resistant to any suggestions of exercise, even if it's to play tennis, walk on the beach, swim, etc.
Is substantially overweight (I'd guess 75 to 100 pounds, but I'm not exactly sure).
Hasn't seen a doctor or had blood work done or a checkup in at least 20 years (even though I've encouraged it a number of times since we met). He doesn't have any health insurance and doesn't want to spend the money when he feels that nothing is wrong with him.

Do you have any suggestions for me on ways to get him to take a more active role in his health? Of all the things, I'd really love to see him lose weight and learn to leave balance his work stress. I suspect that his weight does cause difficulties in our sex life sometimes (certain positions he wants to try are too difficult and he has issues with delayed ejaculation), but I don't know how to tell him. I wouldn't think of hurting him or making him feel self-conscious about his weight. I have health concerns of my own, and I've been interested in health since college, so I eat pretty healthy myself and I've just joined a gym so that I can lose weight and avoid disease later in life. I'm hoping my positive example will help inspire my husband and the rest of my family.

Thanks for your contributions!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SouthernBelle822 said:


> My husband is 36 years old, and I'm 32. We've been together for seven years, married for two and a half. We have a very happy relationship, and we want it to last for the rest of our lives. However, I'm burdened about his health. His father died in 2009 at age 58 from a heart attack after two triple bypasses; he was a heavy smoker and ate poorly, although he was very thin. His mother has a laundry list of health concerns, including heart problems, diabetes, and colitis. Neither of his parents ever taught him how to make healthy choices regarding diet, exercise, managing stress, etc. On my side, my parents both have heart disease and diabetes, and I've seen firsthand what a huge hindrance that can be to living a full life. I'm worried that my husband will get to his 50s or 60s and then become disabled by health problems - or worse. I don't want the person I spend my years building a life with to die before he can enjoy it with me.
> 
> My husband:
> 
> ...


Tell him about the sexual issues - - - and tell him that you have made a doctors appt for him. Make the appt. Go with him. 

get rid of all the crap food in your house. Just make it disappear. 

Start going to the gym yourself. Talk about it all the time. I'd give it 2 weeks before he starts coming along with you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

what he said.

Tell us 3 ways you enable him.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You sound like such a sweet woman. 

Has he considered looking for a new, less stressful job? What's his daily/hourly schedule like? (i.e. is there any time for the two of you to walk in the mornings?)

Get a good food processor and find recipes you can sneak veggies into. Lean meatloaf, spaghetti sauce, etc. Ask him to make a pact not to eat out for X many days and experiment with healthy, tasty meals. 

Does he have orthotics in his shoes for his pronation issues? If not, get some. If you have no insurance, maybe you can get some coupons for a New Balance store online (if you have a store near you)? If that's not an option, at least do some research on line and find out what might be good for him, or for some shoes that might be good. Or go to a running store and have them evaluate his gait. I was having knee pain and, long story short, discovered I have pronation issues and found a good running shoe for my issue and my knee pain went away. (I walk many miles a day on my treadmill desk and started having pain). 

I hope you can find a way to motivate him!


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## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

Thanks for the suggestions everyone, and keep the input coming! You're helping me consider angles I haven't thought of before, and that's always a good thing!

You know, a lot of times when I get others' opinions on topics such as this, I get the ol' "Just make whatever you're gonna make, and if he doesn't want to eat it, he can fend for himself!" answer, but I think we all know that that attitude doesn't realistically help a person you care about to change for the better in the way that you want them to. I'm a non-confrontational person to begin with, and he would react so negatively to that approach that it would do more harm than good. I don't expect - and don't want - him to become just like me and like everything that I like. I also don't enjoy taking away things he enjoys. I want him to be his own person and make his own decisions regarding ways he can choose to be healthier. That's the only way to make the changes last for good.

SecondTime, thanks for your practical ideas! After ten years of working in call centers, he has finally been able to get into a desktop support position that he loves, except for the stress. He'd really like to stay at the job, and since I can foresee him moving up the corporate ladder eventually, I think he will have to face the fact that he has to really work on how he reacts to stress. I don't see that going away, even if he were to change jobs. We both leave for work around 6:15 a.m. and get home around 5:15 a.m., so the schedule during the weekdays can be tight. However, we do not have any kids or pets, so there is often time that we could squeeze in some physical activity.

You know, I had thought about that food processor idea before and even have some of the Sneaky Chef books on my Amazon wishlist! Thanks for reminding me about that. I think you've just prompted a purchase! I've experimented with that idea twice before and it seemed to work.

I'm going to check into the orthotics and consult with a running store. I need to know more about the options that are out there. I think he'd be a lot more inclined to go for walks if he didn't worry that his feet would feel like they were on fire by the time we got back.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to get a long-time soda drinker to switch to other less harmful beverages? I'd like to find some alternatives that I can keep in the fridge.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Get a good food processor and find recipes you can sneak veggies into. Lean meatloaf, spaghetti sauce, etc. Ask him to make a pact not to eat out for X many days and experiment with healthy, tasty meals.


This is smart. A neurologist once told me that our brains build pathways and like to travel along them. That's why the more you hear a tune, the more you like it (up to a point).

Food is the same way. Many people have an actual aversion to a new taste. But if you can get them to taste it a few times, their brain "learns" the taste and they start to like it. (Except for Goat Cheese, I could taste that foul substance 1,000 times and I will never like it.)

But you've heard the saying "it's an acquired taste." Most foods will grow on you. I have some healthy foods I actually CRAVE now, that originally I either disliked or found unremarkable.

If she can get him to commit to trying certain types of foods "at least x number of times" over time he may shift his tastes.

The exercise is hard. One thing I know does not seem to work is trying to "fix" someone. People naturally resist.

I wonder how it would go over if OP asked for it as a Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary gift if he would accompany her X number of times to the gym as something they can do together as a couple, and saying she loves him so much and doesn't want to lose him early like what happened with his dad. Just make sure if they go to the gym with him she doesn't start correcting him and pushing him to do more than he wants to. My H does that and I won't exercise with him now.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Your husband needs a wake up call that will snap him out of his destructive lifestyle and start on a more healthy path. Then you will need to support that new path. It sounds like you are ready to do that.

If he is that much overweight and out of shape it will take months to make significant progress.
Help him manage expectations.

For me, the wake up call came when I saw a picture of me walking on the beach with my little 1 year old boy. I looked like a beached whale. I had a father, an uncle and an older brother who all died of heart attacks much too young. My dad died when i was 14 of his heart attack. I don't want to leave my son fatherless.

I made the decision then. My wife is very supportive. That was five months ago. I exercise. I've changed my eating habits. I've lost 45 pounds and am half way to my weight loss goal and continue to lose at a steady pace. I keep that picture of me on the beach with my little one as the default screen on my smart phone to keep reminding me why.

You may have not have children. I don't know what the moment of realization will be for your husband. You can't find that for him but you can gently help him find it himself. A non-threatening discussion about the limitations in the bedroom as someone suggested might be a start.

Good luck.


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## SouthernBelle822 (Jul 8, 2015)

Thanks to everyone for the insightful responses!


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

SB822: I guess I will be a bit of a downer because I was much like your husband a few years ago. I ballooned up to 350lbs, became diabetic, lost interest in sex (not to mention logistical problems) and then my kidneys started to fail. I was told I was dying and even that didn't cause me to take care of myself. 2009-2011 are pretty much a blur to me because my blood was so toxic. My wife begged me to take time off work and get help, but I ignored her and all the advice I was given. While I was sick and ignoring her she decided that she didn't need to suffer and die along with me and had an affair. I don't approve or accept what she did but to be honest, if I didn't give a [email protected] about myself why should she.

In the mean time my kidney's did fail, in the process I lost 165 lbs. I had to start on dialysis, which is only tolerable because it keeps me alive. I have to watch my diet, control my fluids. I exercise and am as health as someone in my condition can be. If I hope to get a transplant I must maintain my health and continue to loose some weight. I am dealing with the fall out of my wife's affair and we are trying to rebuild our marriage; at work they worry about my ability to do a job that I love and are trying to pressure me to retire; I am in line for a transplant between seven and ten years from now; Now I have ED. Did I know what was coming, yes. Was I given good advice as to what to do about it, yes. Did my wife warn me about the toll my decisions about my health were take on her, yes. People tried to encourage me, motivate me and help me. I ignored them all because I knew better, oh boy did I know better. 

Now I pay for my mistakes, in dollars, lost time and anguish. I have no one to blame but myself.

How did I do it? what motivated me? finding out it was too late. I had to want to change myself, for myself. Then all the support and help I needed, I could accept. Maneo was smart and lucky. Counselling can help to find the reasons behind the weight gain and deal with the issues. Your Doctor can help to monitor your husbands condition and suggests meds if needed. There are many weight loss programs, exercise programs and self help programs, so one of them will work*. My solution was walking, for the dog four times a day, and a hard brisk walk for me. I have coached for 25 years, but I no longer stand and watch my teams work out, I join them. I eat a balanced diet, watch my proportions and forgive myself if a fall off the wagon from time to time. I just make sure I get back on.

Truth be told, for all I have done to my body, I might not make it, but damn I`m gonna make it a good fight. 

You obviously love your husband and he you. Together you can get this done, and not too late. Best of Luck


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SouthernBelle822 said:


> You know, I had thought about that food processor idea before and even have some of the Sneaky Chef books on my Amazon wishlist! Thanks for reminding me about that. I think you've just prompted a purchase! I've experimented with that idea twice before and it seemed to work.


One of the best compliments on my cooking I ever got from my kids was after I snuck a whole bunch of brussel sprouts into their meatloaf!


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