# Why does he say these things?



## kzoomom (Jul 26, 2017)

So for the last few months I have been wanting to leave my husband. There are several reason why. He is controlling, manipulative, an alcoholic and a narcissist. Over the years he has done some mean and disrespectful things to hurt me emotionally in our marriage and doesn't seem to understand why I am hurt now and not forgiving him since he has said sorry and "changed" for the better. 

Last week we were talking and he told me he wanted family pictures taken. Last time I asked him (3 years ago) he threw a fit, so I never asked again. Last night he told me he wanted another baby. I told him I didn't want another one since he was never around for my first pregnancy, he was never around or took care of our son for the first 2 years of his life. He didn't say much other than he will be around this time. He has made comments before that he doesn't like babies, only likes kids when they are older. I so wanted to tell him I wanted another baby just not with him. 

Does he say these things to me because he knows our marriage is about over, does he think saying these things will keep me around? What the heck?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kzoomom said:


> So for the last few months I have been wanting to leave my husband. There are several reason why. He is controlling, manipulative, an alcoholic and a narcissist. Over the years he has done some mean and disrespectful things to hurt me emotionally in our marriage and doesn't seem to understand why I am hurt now and not forgiving him since he has said sorry and "changed" for the better.
> 
> Last week we were talking and he told me he wanted family pictures taken. Last time I asked him (3 years ago) he threw a fit, so I never asked again. Last night he told me he wanted another baby. I told him I didn't want another one since he was never around for my first pregnancy, he was never around or took care of our son for the first 2 years of his life. He didn't say much other than he will be around this time. He has made comments before that he doesn't like babies, only likes kids when they are older. I so wanted to tell him I wanted another baby just not with him.
> 
> Does he say these things to me because he knows our marriage is about over, does he think saying these things will keep me around? What the heck?


Probably. Narcissists are good at manipulating people.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

kzoomom said:


> So for the last few months I have been wanting to leave my husband. There are several reason why. He is controlling, manipulative, an alcoholic and a narcissist. Over the years he has done some mean and disrespectful things to hurt me emotionally in our marriage and doesn't seem to understand why I am hurt now and not forgiving him since he has said sorry and "changed" for the better.
> 
> Last week we were talking and he told me he wanted family pictures taken. Last time I asked him (3 years ago) he threw a fit, so I never asked again. Last night he told me he wanted another baby. I told him I didn't want another one since he was never around for my first pregnancy, he was never around or took care of our son for the first 2 years of his life. He didn't say much other than he will be around this time. He has made comments before that he doesn't like babies, only likes kids when they are older. I so wanted to tell him I wanted another baby just not with him.
> 
> Does he say these things to me because he knows our marriage is about over, does he think saying these things will keep me around? What the heck?


Why does it matter? If he is such a terrible person and you are going to leave him, why do you care about his motives?

There is a book called Why Does He Do That?, which you might find helpful. Here's a link: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-...1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that+lundy+bancroft

If he's a narcissist it could be that he wants another person to control and what better than a baby who he can mold and make into a minion. Or maybe he is manipulating you because he senses he's losing control over you. There are various possibilities. It doesn't really matter, but if you need some clarity, that above book might be of help to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Well, lessssee.

When a womin' be big bellied and barfuss.

She be needin' hoi man. Won't get sassy fo' a wyle!

Ans he don' needs to woich her so mutch.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. I think he says these things to keep you around.. And off the topic of divorce.. My spouse can be a grumpy ass and I start to wonder why am I here with him (it's other things too). Then he'll clean my car or do something that I really needed to get done.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's called "genuine imitation naugahyde" remorse.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He's either a narcissist, or is richly placating out of his projected fears of losing you! 

Either way, do not subject yourself to such "mind games!"*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

kzoomom said:


> I so wanted to tell him I wanted another baby just not with him.


Say THIS.

Say it and watch him unwind.

He will be like a split open golf ball.

All those rubber strands suddenly unrestrained by the tough man cover.

The ball will hop and jump...go crazy trying to relieve the tension within, now without hope.

By saying this, you are saying three things:

One, I want another man to have, to hold and to make love to.
Two, I want his sperm to make a beautiful baby inside me.
Three, You are nobody, Now!


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## kzoomom (Jul 26, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Yes.. I think he says these things to keep you around.. And off the topic of divorce.. My spouse can be a grumpy ass and I start to wonder why am I here with him (it's other things too). Then he'll clean my car or do something that I really needed to get done.


 @cc48kel
Where do I begin? I almost left him 4 years ago because of his drinking. I stayed – he said he would quit. Then I got pregnant. He was drunk my entire pregnancy. I spoke to him about it over and over again and he said he would cut back and he never did. He called me fat when I was pregnant a few times. He told me over and over again that my hormones were all over the place. He was actually drunk the night I went into labor, I was thankful that he had sobered up by the time we had to leave for the hospital. 
When our son came home, he practically vanished. He never wanted to watch him. He told me over and over again that he was afraid of him, he was afraid he would hurt him somehow. About 1 month after I had our son he started asking for sex again, and he was relentless about it. My grandma died and he didn’t go to the funeral because it was opening day of gun season. My dog died and I had to take her to the vet because he was to drunk to drive. Mothers day 2 years ago he laid on the couch hung over all day.
Last summer he started hanging around after work more, but as soon as our son needed to go inside, he was gone…up at the neighbors drinking all night coming home drunk. If I wanted him to get our son after work so I could go do something, he would always tell me he didn’t know if he could or not because he didn’t know what time he would get out of work. HE WAS ALWAYS OUT OF WORK ON TIME. He just didn’t want to get him and be responsible for him because he wanted to drink. I think another reason for that is that he knew where I was at (controlling). He has told me that I was 250 lbs when I was pregnant. He doesn’t listen to what I do at work, at one point he thought I started at my job as an intern and moved up to a secretary (not even close). I try and talk to him about the program I use on a regular basis and he still doesn’t know what it is. One day he told me that he deserved to have sex with me because he mowed the lawn. One night he got mad at me because I would not make him dinner (after I had already cleaned it up). He has told me I don’t have that good of a job, yet. I don’t make that good of money yet. He says he told me these things because he wants me to understand how hard it will be on my own with our little boy. He says I don’t think you realize that. The truth is, he is scared about doing it financially on his own. I am not!

Now he tells me all the time, I love you, I don’t know what I would do without you, you mean everything to me, I love you so much. I think he tells me this to try and make me want to stay. Those are things a woman wants to hear.

He quit drinking for a few months, and is back at it again. He claims that something is wrong with him, has had 2 MRI’s and complains of other health issues. I don’t know if I can believe him anymore. It always seems to be around times when he knows I am really upset with him. He is back to drinking on a regular basis again.

He is not just grumpy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is no excuse for his behavior. To say that his treatment of you is okay because he's grumpy makes no sense. Sure all have bad moods and bad days, but that never gives us an excuse to treat others poorly. The problem isn't that he is grumpy. The problem is that his life is out of control, he is irresponsible, and he treats you and your son terribly. He can blame that on being grumpy all he wants, but it solves nothing.

Please get the book I recommended in my post above. I put a link in there for you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

kzoomom said:


> @cc48kel
> Where do I begin? I almost left him 4 years ago because of his drinking. I stayed – he said he would quit. Then I got pregnant. He was drunk my entire pregnancy. I spoke to him about it over and over again and he said he would cut back and he never did. He called me fat when I was pregnant a few times. He told me over and over again that my hormones were all over the place. He was actually drunk the night I went into labor, I was thankful that he had sobered up by the time we had to leave for the hospital.
> When our son came home, he practically vanished. He never wanted to watch him. He told me over and over again that he was afraid of him, he was afraid he would hurt him somehow. About 1 month after I had our son he started asking for sex again, and he was relentless about it. My grandma died and he didn’t go to the funeral because it was opening day of gun season. My dog died and I had to take her to the vet because he was to drunk to drive. Mothers day 2 years ago he laid on the couch hung over all day.
> Last summer he started hanging around after work more, but as soon as our son needed to go inside, he was gone…up at the neighbors drinking all night coming home drunk. If I wanted him to get our son after work so I could go do something, he would always tell me he didn’t know if he could or not because he didn’t know what time he would get out of work. HE WAS ALWAYS OUT OF WORK ON TIME. He just didn’t want to get him and be responsible for him because he wanted to drink. I think another reason for that is that he knew where I was at (controlling). He has told me that I was 250 lbs when I was pregnant. He doesn’t listen to what I do at work, at one point he thought I started at my job as an intern and moved up to a secretary (not even close). I try and talk to him about the program I use on a regular basis and he still doesn’t know what it is. One day he told me that he deserved to have sex with me because he mowed the lawn. One night he got mad at me because I would not make him dinner (after I had already cleaned it up). He has told me I don’t have that good of a job, yet. I don’t make that good of money yet. He says he told me these things because he wants me to understand how hard it will be on my own with our little boy. He says I don’t think you realize that. The truth is, he is scared about doing it financially on his own. I am not!
> ...


He doesn't instill you with confidence.
He's a drunk captain and you know that if he slips just once, he could sail your whole family into an iceberg.

My strong opinion is, you get away from him. Tell him to sort out his life, without you. If he can demonstrate sobriety for a few YEARS, not miss a single AA meeting, and become a better man ON HIS OWN, then maybe you could consider having a relationship with him again. Don't tell him this, I'm mentioning it for your consideration. 

Right now, he is NOT dependable. He is telling you what you want to hear. He will only disappoint you, relapse, or at worst, hurt you more than he already has.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why does he say those things? Because he doesn't want a divorce. 

He's afraid no one else will put up with him and he needs to hold on to you so he's pulling out the stops.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Ugh he sounds like the dad from Shameless. Don't listen to a word he says

ETA. your original thread had people telling you to leave long before. what have you done in between now and then? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/356922-he-cheating-again.html


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

He is telling you what you want to hear. It’s his way of manipulating you into staying because he senses you have one foot out the door.

It will not last..it’s his way of grasping at straws because he feels he is losing you....so the niceties are meant to keep you around under the false disguise of caring and changed attitude and behaviour.

Don’t fall for it....Narcissists don’t really believe they have done anything wrong, therefore they are never willing to change.

Too little too late....where was the conforming from him when you were pleading for change....only to fall on deaf ears..


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## Justsayin4897 (Jan 22, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Probably. Narcissists are good at manipulating people.




Yes they are very good manipulators!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

WOW!! Of course he doesn't want a divorce-- he has it really good at home.. I would ignore what he has to say and go file..Or go for a free consultation so that you can start planning to divorce. You will be just fine without him and concentrate on you as well as your son without the drunk around.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

kzoomom said:


> The truth is, he is scared about doing it financially on his own. I am not!


This is the answer to your question. Do you realize how many women are afraid to leave merely due to finances? You are sitting pretty. You can use your confidence in this regard to propel you forward to a much better life without your husband.

Your husband is a caveman. Reading all that he has done and said to you is disgusting. He is a liability to you. Cut him loose. And please, do not get pregnant with him again.

do not believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth. He is saying these things to keep you around and take care of him. He is not a man, he is a child. He is not your equal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is disgusting. Hurry up and get OUT. 

Those things he says are nothing but 100% pure manipulation.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kzoomom said:


> @cc48kel
> Where do I begin? I almost left him 4 years ago because of his drinking. I stayed – he said he would quit. Then I got pregnant. He was drunk my entire pregnancy. I spoke to him about it over and over again and he said he would cut back and he never did. He called me fat when I was pregnant a few times. He told me over and over again that my hormones were all over the place. He was actually drunk the night I went into labor, I was thankful that he had sobered up by the time we had to leave for the hospital.
> When our son came home, he practically vanished. He never wanted to watch him. He told me over and over again that he was afraid of him, he was afraid he would hurt him somehow. About 1 month after I had our son he started asking for sex again, and he was relentless about it. My grandma died and he didn’t go to the funeral because it was opening day of gun season. My dog died and I had to take her to the vet because he was to drunk to drive. Mothers day 2 years ago he laid on the couch hung over all day.
> Last summer he started hanging around after work more, but as soon as our son needed to go inside, he was gone…up at the neighbors drinking all night coming home drunk. If I wanted him to get our son after work so I could go do something, he would always tell me he didn’t know if he could or not because he didn’t know what time he would get out of work. HE WAS ALWAYS OUT OF WORK ON TIME. He just didn’t want to get him and be responsible for him because he wanted to drink. I think another reason for that is that he knew where I was at (controlling). He has told me that I was 250 lbs when I was pregnant. He doesn’t listen to what I do at work, at one point he thought I started at my job as an intern and moved up to a secretary (not even close). I try and talk to him about the program I use on a regular basis and he still doesn’t know what it is. One day he told me that he deserved to have sex with me because he mowed the lawn. One night he got mad at me because I would not make him dinner (after I had already cleaned it up). He has told me I don’t have that good of a job, yet. I don’t make that good of money yet. He says he told me these things because he wants me to understand how hard it will be on my own with our little boy. He says I don’t think you realize that. The truth is, he is scared about doing it financially on his own. I am not!
> ...


He is an alcoholic, you cannot change an alcoholic and unless they get intervention the only way is down. You are probably co-dependent due to having to manage everything all by yourself and him never being available or dependable. 

Consider joining Al-Anon as you need go see where you stand now. Alcoholism creates sick families, so you are sick too and need help from an IC before you start making life changing decisions.
It appears your H has added little to you or your son's lives so you might want to consider getting your ducks in a row and making plans to leave. Go see a lawyer too. His first love is alchohol hence the lack of care consideration and engagement.
Believe me getting off that roller coaster has to be a priority. My H is a recovering A and it was no picnic, i know i would have left if he had not stopped, he knew that too and got IC, MC and went to AA. He has now been sober for over 20 months and it has made a huge difference in the quality of my life. I would never go back there again and have told him, if he starts back on it, it will be an absolute deal breaker.
People married to A suffer a form of PTSD I think, it is a terrible environment.


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## kzoomom (Jul 26, 2017)

I have filed. I have an apartment ready on Dec. 1. I am just afraid to tell him. Why? We don't hardly talk anymore. 

This morning he got pissed at me for not telling him that I was playing in a euchre tournament at work for a charity?!?!? What the heck? I just rolled my eyes.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kzoomom said:


> I have filed. I have an apartment ready on Dec. 1. I am just afraid to tell him. Why? We don't hardly talk anymore.
> 
> This morning he got pissed at me for not telling him that I was playing in a euchre tournament at work for a charity?!?!? What the heck? I just rolled my eyes.


Good for you! I was in the same position, I had filed and had a place lined up... just had to get those words out that I was leaving. Scariest thing I have ever done, but I did it.


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