# advise needed



## silver_stang09 (Mar 14, 2018)

*advice needed*

Greetings all, I am new to the site.

I have been divorced since November 2016. My ex-wife and I have a son, now 14. She was and is still the controlling type. The problem is that I want to move in this Summer with the girl I am dating, but now my son does not get along with her 2 kids (similar age).

He will obviously have to stay with me at her house. I also don't think he's fully accepted that I've moved on with someone else and maybe that's the case.

I know this is due to his mother bad-mouthing them. He used to go to their house with me and we had a lot of fun. Now he always makes excuses not to go, I'm tired, etc. His mother may even be threatening saying "I don't want you there" (which she legally has no right to). When I have my son (every other weekend) we should be able to go anywhere we want. How does she get away with dictating where he can and can't go? 

What would be the best course of action and has anyone else gone through this? I obviously can't force him to stay there. I just want them all to get along.

Any help is appreciated.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is still very young and impressionable. He still loves and respects his mother. Do not get between them.

Win him over by being kind and patient.

You may have to wait this out, say, two to four years. When he matures a little more.

In the worst case you may have to wait until he starts his own family and sees what marriage is all about.

I would remain patient, not pushy, let him have his way. Tell him to stay with his mother on those weekends that he could be spending time with you.

By doing this, he gets no leverage over you. He cannot act up if you do not give him the opportunity.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A lot of people will say that you're the parent and your kid should be respectful of your desires, but I disagree. As the parent it's your job to put your kid first so don't sacrifice part of your relationship with him for a GF that may or may not be around in a couple of years. If you were marrying then I'd feel differently.


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## silver_stang09 (Mar 14, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> A lot of people will say that you're the parent and your kid should be respectful of your desires, but I disagree. As the parent it's your job to put your kid first so don't sacrifice part of your relationship with him for a GF that may or may not be around in a couple of years. If you were marrying then I'd feel differently.


Thank you for the replies. Some more information: We do plan on getting married, but not sure when yet. We have discussed it a few times already. It's just a difficult situation. I want to spend time with my son and I also want him to want to be with me at my girlfriends house. I am also open to spending time with him alone.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I don't know your story but there are things I'd be concerned about as a neutral observer. You've been divorced less than a year and a half, already have a serious girlfriend, are talking about moving in together/marriage. It sounds like you are rushing things and I can imagine how your son wouldn't be OK with that. If you move in with her you are not only giving up your space/freedom but your son's. Why can't you maintain two households and spend your time at home when your son is with you and time at your GF's when your son is at your XW's...at least for 75% of the time? I know two households costs more than one but it is only money and not worth pushing your son into an uncomfortable situation over. I'd personally give it another year before you consider moving in together so that there is more time for your son to accept the transition and more time for him to grow/mature.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

My first question is: Do you know for a fact that your ex wife is badmouthing these children or is that what you suspect/fear? You say she is controlling, but you seem to be trying to control this situation.

It could be as simple as your son is an only child, and at 14 your are forcing him to have 2 new siblings. Why would he be happy that you now have a new family? I know I would not have liked to see my father suddenly parenting and being a father to 2 strangers. It was probably fine at first because he did not realize how real it was. Now it's real, and he's feeling it.

I suggest you rise above whatever you know or think you know about what you ex is saying to your son. Love your son. Reinforce that daily. Correct any unwanted behavior in a gentle way. Allow him and encourage him to express any anxiety over the new blended family, and give him a chance to work through it. He will probably succeed if he knows it is a process and that you will consistently love him and remind him of that love throughout the process.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@SunCMars is wise, let that between a son and his mother be developed between them without interference, they have their place as equally as he and you.

You may assume due to past experience this is being influenced but you do not really know... either way, neither is in your control.

For the few years you still have in your child's life before he moves on to adulthood, allow him the comfort of remembering you as the kind and compassionate one who does not lay at his feet the memories of ending this time with you as something he dreaded... those will take years for him to remove as he is not mature enough to see the reasoning you may.

He may never see them as you... show him the power of loving him in all conditions, respect at that age is earned, not granted. It's only that we learn to trust that granting comes first later in those teen years or even in the 20's it seems and today's generation struggle with that longer it seems.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's 14. Obviously, you can't make him want to be at your gf's. The solution is not to move in with her and her children, at least not any time soon. Make this time with him count because it's not long before he can choose to see you or not. Every other weekend focusing only on him is not unreasonable so keep things as they are for awhile.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> He's 14. Obviously, you can't make him want to be at your gf's. The solution is not to move in with her and her children, at least not any time soon. Make this time with him count because it's not long before he can choose to see you or not. Every other weekend focusing only on him is not unreasonable so keep things as they are for awhile.


I agree with this. Your son is 14 and that is a tough age regardless. Add all this in and it is really tough. Anyway, why rush the living together thing? Keep things as they are and stay at your GF's house when your son isn't around. Give him time to adjust. Don't blame his mother. There is plenty of time to move in...later.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Make him your priority. 

Don't move in with the girlfriend yet.

Reasons why.

Only divorced 2 yrs and already getting into a long term relationship.
Hmm, take your time. If it was ment to be she will understand.

Take this time to be the best father to your boy. Lead by example show him how to be an upstanding young man. I don't think you will be as effective with a blended family. 

Your thinking with the wrong head. Whats the rush?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old is your girlfriend??? You referred to her as "the *girl* you are dating."


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Meh. I heard all the time how "tough" it was to be a teenager and I thought it nonsense at the time. I looked around me at teens who took the bait and said "oh yeah, whine whine whine, my life is so tough..." no work, no real effort at school, no extracurricular burdens where they really had to put forth a big commitment. I had no respect for them back then and I have never forgotten.

Sure, the girls who were raped by their father and the guys brought up in single-mother homes with a lot of psychological abuse - that's tough. But for the most part, being 14 in the USA is easy. Other countries are being bombed or run by Marxist madmen, rampant malnourishment and drugs, child soldiers, caste systems, dogmatic religious chains, etc. 

You gave important data: when he went over there before he had fun. Now he makes excuses to not go. He hasn't said he isn't having fun or doesn't like it for a particular reason. You had better communicate with him and there is no excuse for not doing so. Get it out of him. 

I would not let a son interfere in who I am marrying. My 8 year old is not keen on the wife and I having so much sex all the time, but that's just too bad. Mom and Dad do it. A lot. So what. Go play grand theft auto on full volume. What's so awful over at your girlfriend's place that he has to deal with?


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

You gotta live your life I disagree with others here. You see your son once a week or every other week it ain't much compromise maybe just keep him for the day no sleep over. Kids first blah blah blah kids are kids he 14 about an adult. He mostly with his mother alot of the upbringing will her sholders not yours. Trust me kids will resent no matter what you can be alone by yourself and be a good role model I'm pretty sure at 14 he don't care. He probably got his mind on video games and hanging with friends. Gotta find balance be happy with your new love and find a balance with the time you spend with your son. I personally think "shaking up" is a huge gamble usually back fires. Hell getting married is a gamble everybody is divorcing nowdays. This woman got kids you got one you been married before=high probability of divorce. If it was me live apart but have a commited LT relationship don't move in don't get married you live happily ever after. Doesn't work out you ain't gotta worry about alimony, selling the house, dividing money, losing everything. Just my 2 cents worth.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*By your son's adamant refusal in not staying with you at all, that can well predicate a rather hefty child support increase for you on your XW's part! Any good family law attorney would advise you of the same thing!

I'd certainly recommend keeping separate residences until such time that your new GF is your new wife!*


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Focus more on your child who needs you and not yourself. Divorce is HARD on kids and his life has been tipped upside down. He probably has fears of being replaced by your girlfriends kids or even that she is trying to replace his mom. 

14 is a tough age anyway and he needs his Dad, he doesn’t need his Dad being distracted with a girlfriend and two other kids. I would not move in with the GF just yet, and unless you are getting married it unreasonable and unfair to expect your son to have to spend time with her or her kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> Meh. I heard all the time how "tough" it was to be a teenager and I thought it nonsense at the time. I looked around me at teens who took the bait and said "oh yeah, whine whine whine, my life is so tough..." no work, no real effort at school, no extracurricular burdens where they really had to put forth a big commitment. I had no respect for them back then and I have never forgotten.
> 
> Sure, the girls who were raped by their father and the guys brought up in single-mother homes with a lot of psychological abuse - that's tough. But for the most part, being 14 in the USA is easy. Other countries are being bombed or run by Marxist madmen, rampant malnourishment and drugs, child soldiers, caste systems, dogmatic religious chains, etc.
> 
> ...


How would your 8yr old know you’re having sex all the time?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

How much time to you have your son? I think that is an important factor.

Secondly, I think his resistance is probably fear related. He may wonder where he fits into your life. Maybe he fears you are replacing him with your gf's kids. Maybe he is upset that you moving in with her means definitely you and his mom are not getting back together. He may have been secretly hoping for his family to get back together again, so this move is the death knell to that hope.

Perhaps a few sessions with a family therapist would help a lot. I would suggest you see the therapist for a session or two and then have your son join you. Therapy is not because you or your son is crazy, it is to have a safe place to discuss things and get to resolution.


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