# Wake up call



## Gb17 (Aug 31, 2016)

Wife and I have not had sex for a long time now (years) and I have been very patient especially with the things we have gone through over the past few years including bereavement and health issues.

However I have always been waiting for the day when things may return.

Today, the topic came up however and she said, )and admitted it was the first time she has said it out loud), that she wouldn’t be bothered if we didn’t have sex again. She just says it’s something that doesn’t do anything for her. She then added the question “Would that be a dealbreaker”

We’ve been married nearly 17 years with 2 children. 

I haven’t put too many details here as I’m just putting it out there for now. I’ve always thought it was something we would get over but this feels very final.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your response should have been, would it be a deal breaker if i found a sex partner outside our marriage?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

It sounds like it is pretty final, at least from her side. You waiting patiently for "years" for it to come back is something I could never do. She put the ball in your court, now you have to decide what YOU want and what you can live with.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

The answer is yes...not only would it be a problem, but it already has been.

Then call a divorce attorney because it isn’t going to change. 

Your biggest mistake was letting it continue.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Gb17 said:


> ... She then added the question “Would that be a dealbreaker”


@Gb17 

Ask her if it would be a “dealbreaker” if tomorrow you stopped depositing your paycheck into the joint account and decided to keep it all and spend it on yourself. Would she be okay if you just unilaterally decided to cut off her need (for financial security) and never contribute to it again...but you expect her to stay with you? 

If not, then why does she expect you to be okay with HER doing that to you?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Gb17 you've started the exact same thread in 2016 and 2017, then don't come back to answer anyone's questions or comments. 

Will give you the benefit of the doubt and say you've just been posting to vent but if you actually want help, you're going to need to actually participate in your thread.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Lila said:


> @Gb17 you've started the exact same thread in 2016 and 2017, then don't come back to answer anyone's questions or comments.
> 
> Will give you the benefit of the doubt and say you've just been posting to vent but if you actually want help, you're going to need to actually participate in your thread.


Well done! This needs to happen more often ‘round here!


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Seriously?
She asked you the question "Would this be a dealbreaker?"
At that point, you should have "Manned" up, taken control of the narrative and told her that "Yes, you are expected to fulfill your marital vows."


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## Gb17 (Aug 31, 2016)

Lila said:


> @Gb17 you've started the exact same thread in 2016 and 2017, then don't come back to answer anyone's questions or comments.
> 
> Will give you the benefit of the doubt and say you've just been posting to vent but if you actually want help, you're going to need to actually participate in your thread.


@Lila Apologies- you are correct. I did approach this site 4 years ago and the thread is still there. I didn’t see any direct questions that required answering at the time and yes there was some fantastic opinions and advice on there for which I am grateful. However I also found a couple of rather strange replies appearing on there which made me wonder what was going on with the forum sometime around September 10th 2016 and therefore I just left the thread stating I would update if anything changed.

Perhaps you weren’t moderating back then or you would have also picked up those strange responses.
However - my apologies again.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Gb17 said:


> @Lila Apologies- you are correct. I did approach this site 4 years ago and the thread is still there. I didn’t see any direct questions that required answering at the time and yes there was some fantastic opinions and advice on there for which I am grateful. However I also found a couple of rather strange replies appearing on there which made me wonder what was going on with the forum sometime around September 10th 2016 and therefore I just left the thread stating I would update if anything changed.
> 
> Perhaps you weren’t moderating back then or you would have also picked up those strange responses.
> However - my apologies again.


In 2016 and 2017 you were given advice. Have you done anything that was advised back then?

At this point, I don't think there is anything anyone here can tell you that hasn't been told to you before. You need professional help. Have you been to a marriage counselor?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What are your ages and what type of shape are you in?

Have you both been checked out medically?

How about mentally?

You don't sound healthy to me and she certainly doesn't.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Gb17 said:


> Wife and I have not had sex for a long time now (years) and I have been very patient especially with the things we have gone through over the past few years including bereavement and health issues.
> 
> However I have always been waiting for the day when things may return.
> 
> ...


Well, you know where she stands.
Even if she does have sex with you, you now know she isn't into you, she isn't really enjoying it, she has no passion for you, isn't lusting after you, doesn't "want" you physically, she is just doing a task to get you to leave her alone.

You have a choice to make.

You are fin with it and you don't really need sex either...just carry on as is.
You are not fine it and will be unhappy but you do not want divorce and you can carry on as is.
You are not fine with it and can take action to meet your needs of not being celibate within a marriage....you can tell her you are opening up the marriage and you will have sex with other women while staying married (she can say ok or this with push a divorce because she is not ok with it)
You can divorce and seek out other female companionship.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

My wife said something nearly identical years ago. The only thing that has changed has been my willingness to see that she truly meant it. And to see that even if she was motivated to “change how she feels” (she is not), there is no mechanism seemingly available for her to do so.

People often keep how they truly feel hidden from others, and even themselves. I’ve come to believe statements like that should not be glossed over, or forgotten. Write it down along with the date said. Revisit it, privately, until you fully comprehend its weight.

As much as it sucks, it’s reality. Insight in to her true feelings is a gift. What you do with it is up to you. And will make a very big difference in what you experience in your remaining days, however few or many that may be.


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

Gb17 said:


> We’ve been married nearly 17 years with 2 children.


When I see kids mentioned in a troubled marriage, I flash back to my own ugly childhood under parents who DID NOT love each other and their "issues" had a destructive impact on us kids! My parents would never have gone into any kind of therapy so we all just suffered until dad got ticked off and left us - thank god!!! In my opinion, all parents need to stop and look at what their personal struggles are doing to their helpless, dependent and vulnerable children. When you see the damages your are inflicting upon your defenseless, imprisoned kids, you might be motivated to find HELP - FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR DEPENDENT CHILDREN!


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