# Wife's Mid-Life Crisis Leaves Me All Alone



## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

So here's my story. We have been married for 26 years and raised two great, well adjusted kids. My STBXW worked part time, when she wanted and took care of the kids. Our social life revolved primarily around our kids and her friends, most of whom are divorced. When the kids left the house, some distance appeared between us.

Early in 2014, I asked her if there was an issue with 'us'. She normally doesn't talk about her emotions/feelings at all. She unloaded and told me that she was 'profoundly unhappy with her life and with our relationship in particular'. She didn't know what would make her happy. She became very distant from that point and the distance only got worse.

She refused to do any type of counseling. She said she'd been trying to fix this by herself for a long time and it didn't work. She refused to talk about her feelings with me. I went to counseling by myself and that was tremendously beneficial.

Mid summer she moved out of the bedroom and in the fall she moved out of the house and in with a divorced girlfriend. After that I got the ILUBNILWU speech. She finally told me in January that she wants a divorce.

Oh, she and her roommate went out and got tattoos! Before anyone starts, I am 100% positive there is no other man in the picture.

I guess my question for everyone is how can someone throw away 27 years of a relationship and the prospect of a bright future? We could be sitting here financially set in a relationship with none of the big issues that break up marriages. Now she is looking at the prospect of no health insurance, one kid won't speak to her, no full time job, doesn't have any idea what she's going to do in the future, and she still can't say what will make her happy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I think the better question is why would you want to continue in a relationship with this woman? Honestly, the drama would be enough for me to throw in the towel then go find happiness. 

Personally, I would simply give her the D and allow her to see that:


> Now she is looking at the prospect of no health insurance, one kid won't speak to her, no full time job, doesn't have any idea what she's going to do in the future, and she still can't say what will make her happy.


It is not up to you to make her happy. That is her bag. Wish her well.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Move on from her. If this is what she wants, let her experience the full consequences of her actions. She is responsible for herself, and you need to look after yourself. Get a support system around you to help you be free from her, and try to make your life fulfilling for yourself. Let her make her own mistakes to learn from. Let her fall flat on her face, and let her be the one who helps herself get back up on her own feet. You cannot control her actions, but show her the consequences of those actions by detaching and not putting your life on hold for someone who does not want you as a partner. Treat her like an ex. You cannot make someone rational. Work on your own issues, and know that you have something to offer someone else, and that the next person will cherish on what you have to offer.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Brother, been there, but with little kids.

Protect yourself, money, lawyer up, move on and be glad you don't have small children.

As is often said, who knows, but believe her behaviors not her words. She will likely circle back to you to "find" happy when she figures out this life is worse.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I am sorry this is has happened to you. Sounds like she was planning this for a while. My exH did the same thing. He did have a few affairs, bought a motorcycle, left us high and dry and lived with his mistress who had 4 DUIS and was a convicted felon. Thought he was in love with this tramp.

He loved his single life for a while and was free to do whatever without ever seeing or talking to his wife or child. (Typical MLC symptoms).

His reality came in when I split up all the marital debt during divorce. 17 year of marriage, owned 2 homes, lots of credit cards and business loan for his failing business. Since I had the steady high income, he was shocked and angry at how much the monthly bills were without my salary in the mix and the child support he had to pay. The man never paid attention to finances even in his own business. I tried to explain we were losing money, our accountant tried but he was in denial and thought I was nagging him. Since the felon existed in his life, I got sole custody of child. 

Dui felon and him parted ways and he found a new sugar mama who is taking care of him since he cannot exist without a strong woman. He sold his soul to the devil and now is paying for it. He is always unhappy, angry, and embarrassed with guilt to friends and family.

I texted on divorce day, "Hope your MLC was worth it. You had it all but could not see it. Good luck".


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

As this little drama has played out, I have not had difficulty accepting that she's unhappy with the marriage and even the 'I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You' speech. What I have had difficulty accepting is that she would never agree to try to work things out. She would always say that she'd been trying to work things out on her own. 

I never once saw any indication that she was trying to change our marriage. No attempt to talk about things, no attempt to get closer emotionally, no attempt do more things together. In fact in the lead up to her big announcement, I was the one suggesting that we find some things to do together. She shot down every idea. 

I ran into a friend of hers in the supermarket over the weekend. Her wider circle of friends is beginning to find out. The friend says that they've been texting her for weeks and she won't respond to anyone.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

BoyScout said:


> As this little drama has played out, I have not had difficulty accepting that she's unhappy with the marriage and even the 'I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You' speech. What I have had difficulty accepting is that she would never agree to try to work things out. She would always say that she'd been trying to work things out on her own.
> 
> I never once saw any indication that she was trying to change our marriage. No attempt to talk about things, no attempt to get closer emotionally, no attempt do more things together. In fact in the lead up to her big announcement, I was the one suggesting that we find some things to do together. She shot down every idea.
> 
> I ran into a friend of hers in the supermarket over the weekend. Her wider circle of friends is beginning to find out. The friend says that they've been texting her for weeks and she won't respond to anyone.


Here's to unmet childhood needs! *Clink*


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

BoyScout...your story sounds like mine...as my STBXW was never fully able to bond with me...and for the last 5 years has been yo-yo-ing around in her commitment. Now that she has achieved a level of independence (after I spent 17 years supporting her every career whim and start/stop), she is ready to upgrade. It is a bitter pill to realize how much you have been used.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If your completely convinced there isn't another man what about her roommate? It wouldn't be the first time the OM was really OW. 

This person sounds like a toxic friend at least and these toxic people are often great influences in marriages suddenly having issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

honcho said:


> If your completely convinced there isn't another man what about her roommate? It wouldn't be the first time the OM was really OW.
> 
> This person sounds like a toxic friend at least and these toxic people are often great influences in marriages suddenly having issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, my ex suddenly revealed that she had "four friends who are near and dear whom she knew since before she met me."

Odd that in the 18 years we were together she never mentioned them...not even once.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I was thinking the same thing as honcho and Samurai. Maybe the OW roommate is the "OM." The dual-tattoos jumps out at me as a bit suggestive of a "bond."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> BoyScout...your story sounds like mine...as my STBXW was never fully able to bond with me...and for the last 5 years has been yo-yo-ing around in her commitment. Now that she has achieved a level of independence (after I spent 17 years supporting her every career whim and start/stop), she is ready to upgrade. It is a bitter pill to realize how much you have been used.



Ain't this the truth!


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Sorry OP, yes unfortuantly some of us have experienced the same thing. It's hard to wrap your brain around as logically it makes no sense. There is no advice really since you cannot make soemone feel something, they have to feel it. You also cannot force someone to be commited, they either are or they are not. This is a road you have to walk alone my friend. You be given advice, do this and do that. You will try but unless she is willing, it will fail. My best advice is to tell you, things will get better. Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually, when all the dust settles, things will get better. I know your pain, others do too. Try to keep your mind occupied, do hobbies and focus on happiness without her as it seems that is what she wants. Good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BoyScout said:


> I guess my question for everyone is how can someone throw away 27 years of a relationship and the prospect of a bright future?


I guess for her the future wasn't so bright. It sounds like she was unhappy for years but stayed for the kids. Once they were out of the house, she could think about what she wanted in life, and it wasn't you. Did she complain about any issues over the years that were persistent? Did you lose the connection between you, and focus on other things? Was sex an issue for either or both of you?

It could be as simple as not having things in common that bring you together, and she wants something more. The risks and uncertainty in life for her going forward may be exhilarating rather than frightening. Security and boredom may not be enough. And if through all this time she has fallen out of love, then it's easy to move on. There doesn't have to be anything really serious wrong - just nothing that seems worth preserving - to make this decision.

I would guess you're both mid to late 40's, maybe early 50's. Still young enough to make a new life and enjoy it. It's often a time of change for people. I know it's hard to face, but you can, and you may even be happier in the future.


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

Thanks, everyone. Great observations & questions:

1) Someone mentioned 'unmet childhood needs', and I've often wondered if there isn't something to that. We were in our 20's when we met. She lost a parent just before that and I know that hit her hard. I thought she had a pretty ideal upbringing, but who knows. She most definitely has issues bonding to people, and not just me!

2) I've had more than one person ask if the roommate could be the "OM". At this point in my life, little surprises me. I really don't think so, more so from the roommate's stand point. I've known her for years and don't see that in her.

3) Through this whole ordeal I have come to understand that the paradigm I operate under doesn't apply to what is happening. Nothing she's doing is logical and it never will be to me. I see this as a problem, though very serious, that can be fixed if we put the effort into it. She sees it as the end of the road with no options other than divorce. I can't understand it, but am accepting that I never will. 

4) Married But Happy. We both just hit 50, her a bit harder than me apparently. She looks better at 50 than she did when we got married. Yes, we did grow apart in the time since the kids moved off to college. I thought the distance was not that great given that we still had a lot to bring us together. I guess I was wrong. I never saw the depth of her dissatisfaction with her life in general. 

5) At the end of the day, I am not going to wait for this to play out for her in hopes that she'll 'wise up' and come back. I've told her that I've done all I could over the past year. I can see her resolve and I am moving on beginning RIGHT NOW. If she changes her mind and is willing to put the work into starting over, I am interested as long as I have not developed a serious relationship with some other lucky lady.

6) We are both being very friendly to one another. I don't want this to end ugly. She knows what she's doing has hurt me more than I thought possible. She doesn't want to punish me any more that she feels she has to strike out on her own. By moving on, I am not letting myself get hurt any longer.

Thanks, guys.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Childhood trauma not dealt with stays with a person

if she was 6 when a trauma occurred, her emotional growth will return to this age

anytime she feels threatened (stress, drama, et. al.) You need to focus on you

heII with her.... she wants out, wave bye bye. Give defiant people what they want,

for it rarely ever turns out as they had planned...... LOL just ask my XW.

Below are links you should check out

Going No Contact. And Staying No Contact. - ChumpLady.com

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

The Healing Heart: The 180

Have you sifted through receipts, FB accounts, emails, cell / text just to make 

sure there isn't a POSOM or even POSOW?

We've all been through it..... post away brother..... that's what we're here for


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Keep that good attitude. Treat her well and wish her luck. 

Now hit the gym, get yourself some new threads, and start enjoying the bachelor life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

take all the focus off of her and put it on you

trust me....if you hit the gym it will not take long before you run into other guys

going through the same chit storm you are. Go out with the guys, talk about old

exs (just not the XWs), ya know... things you'd do before you met her


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

Here's an update on my situation. She wants to do this with as little confrontation as possible. I wrote up a dissolution agreement and the lawyer is translating it to legalese. We should be through by the end of March.

She is being so nonchalant about everything, it is really unnerving. It's like this whole thing is no big deal to her. I think she thinks she's being nice to me, but really she's just causing more pain. At the end of the day, she's just running away from everything as fast as her little legs will carry her.

As for me, I'm moving on. I've developed a great support system of freinds, family, and even some of her family. Most importantly, I've developed a friendship with a woman who has gone through something similar. We met through a mutual friend. Right now it's a shoulder to lean on, but every now and then one of us will drop a flirtatious line. Both are receiving that well. I'm hopeful this might develop into something when we both come out the other side of this. We both should be 'officially' single by the end of March.


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

One more update. Last Thursday I emailed the STBXW concerning some questions that need to be answered for our agreement. In the note, I told her the lawyer said because no one is contesting, we can move the proceedings up and get this over in the next ten days. 

She called later in the day and was shocked. As we talked, I heard what I thought were doubts about what she's doing. We talked for an hour. I told myself not to get excited or press too hard, but I could hear the fear in her voice.

When I got home on Friday, she had been to the house to pick up some things and she left a hand written note saying that she didn't want to hurt me further and trying to fix this would only cause me more pain. She said she has to do what she has to do.

So, now I know it's really over. All the talking is done. It is done.

I am proud of the way I reacted to this last chance to save this relationship. I didn't get my hopes up and I was not hurt by it.

On bright note, Saturday a friend's wife introduced me to her sister. We are the same age and she's just coming out of a very,very bad marriage. I had a blast. We didn't dwell on our troubles but only talked about what we want for our futures and what we like. Looks like I might have to learn to dance! After being treated so indifferently by my STBXW over the last few years, it was amazing to have someone show interest in me. At the end of the night, something happened that I never could have imagained, I kissed her. How childish does that sound to be excited by a kiss (okay, a lot more than one kiss) It was really, really fun to kiss a woman who kisses back. That hasn't happened in a while. Things might have gone further with her, but I'm not ready and I don't think she is. She has a lot of wounds yet to heal. I told her I want to see her again. Maybe this goes somewhere, maybe not. In any case, I see that there a whole new world out there for me. Oh, I broke down and told my daughter about the evening since the friend blabbed that we were going on a date. She laughed in my face!! So wrong. She's happy for me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Wish her well and start your healing. You can't will them to stay.

Step by step...... you'll get there!


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