# Things that help avoid infidelity in a marriage



## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

I'm just a young guy who's far from being married yet, but I came here on TAM in the first place because I had a friend back in high school who's mother cheated on his father, and I also notice how common infidelity is. I came here to see why people do things and see how others get affected. (All I know is that friend of mine didn't show in school for some days).

After having a PM conversation with a fellow user here, she told me to post this as a thread because she thought it was nice. 

If I were to say... keep a marriage from having infidelity, then here's my guidelines:
1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.
2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're exciting to come home to a loving spouse after work.
3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow up and they all of a sudden are cheaters. (Instances like these are posted here on TAM Never say Never)
4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."
5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol 

Of course, BOTH partners have to commit.

I read the thread "Before you decide to leave. Read my story" by Imadeamistake and thought it was very good. It was sad because her husband poured her heart out to her about how she's in a "fog" and she's hurting her family, and she then finally realized what she had months later.... but it was too late. The husband moved on and idk about the kids. I'm proud of her for sharing that story though.

I feel like if someone can follow the guidelines I posted above, then a spouse can avoid being bored in their marriages, or become trapped in "the fog" that I read about here in the CWI section. The more someone loves their spouse and are happy in their marriages, the more they are resistant to cheating or temptations.

What do you guys think? I'm young here so educate me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think the most important thing is to both keep meeting one another's needs. Dr. Willard Harley's book _His Needs, Her Needs _has a good discussion of the basic needs most people have and ways to figure out how to meet them for your partner, while avoiding doing things that cause your partner pain. 

But in addition to meeting needs, it's also necessary to agree upon and strictly maintain boundaries that keep temptation at arms length. Well intentioned people who have their needs met in their marriage can still wind up being unfaithful if they are continually putting themselves in marriage un-friendly situations.

And, it's also vital to realize that there are people out there who are going to cheat no matter what their marriage is like. Because they are simply broken. The only thing to do if you find yourself with one of those people is to get out with a minimum of further damage.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> . Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you


well i did that and believed my wife did the same. 20 years in she had an affair.

people change. for whatever reason. it can start out perfect and have ALL the atributes you listed, but sh!t happens, change is a given.

i think part of the problem today with infidelity is in our new "modern" views on society. social media, TV and celebrity/sports icons, and instant communication anywhere, anytime, the ability to do it hidden have all had a huge negative impact on relationships.

my suggestion to a young person would be to not take ANYTHING for granted in a relationship. do not ignore warning signs or distance, or the loss of ability to communicate. take these as serious warnings and adress them agressively and be prepared to end a relationship if a boundry is crossed.

the problem is, as it was for me, the changes are sometimes very slow and subtile. like watching a child grow. you know they are growing but have to look back at pictures to physically see it. 

it boils down to have diamond hard boundries and concequences for crossing them. i would not get married before you are 30.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Communicate, communicate, communicate. The goal is understanding, not being "right" and "winning" a disagreement. 

Be forgiving. Do loving things, give love instead of thinking you are owed something.

Let the small stuff go.

The point is to avoid building up resentment, and to avoid detachment. The point is to always feel like you're on the same team rather than struggling against each other.

Affairs aren't always, or even often, about sex. Or love. They are often about something that is "broken" within the cheating partner, like terrible conflict resolution skills so a person chooses to "escape" into an affair rather than deal with the problems. Or like needing external validation so much they seek it from anyone and everyone until they wind up in an affair. Or like having intimacy issues and self-sabotaging good relationships so they don't have to be vulnerable and truly open up to their partner.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There is no way to guarantee an affair free marriage even if one partner follows your guidelines. People change as they age and some people (men and women alike) are simply not emotionally equipped to handle the problems and challenges associated with long term commitment to marriage. And some people are not morally equipped to deal with what they see as personal "needs" without going outside the marriage. I just call them selfish.

So honestly - if I were an unmarried male in this day and age with the social climate as it is now, I would never get married.

But you asked for something that can help a marriage so here is my #1 requirement. Honesty. Total and complete honesty from both partners. None of the "I did not tell you because I did not want to hurt you" or "I did not tell you because I did not think you cared" or "I did not think it mattered" or "I did not tell the truth because "insert your own bullsh*t reason here".


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I don't really believe people cheat because their marriage is missing something, I think the cheater is missing something. So, I would say the most important thing is to find a person who has morals.

If I was in a terrible marriage I wouldn't cheat, I would either try to fix the marriage or end it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So far no cheating in my marriage - we'll celebrate our 17th anniversary soon. The bottom line is that you can never affair proof your marriage. The best you can do is to take the marriage seriously and recognize that there is always more work to do to make the marriage better. That's extremely broad. More specific items will include the following:


Communication is critical - as norajane said. Never let a problem linger. Not addressing issues that bother you will lead to resentment. Resentment leads to distanced emotions, and it's the disconnected issue that can lead to an affair.
Related to communicating, it also means be a good listener. If your spouse has a concern about you, the marriage, the dog - whatever it is - listen. It may not be important to you but it may be to him/her. Trivializing their concerns leads to, you guess it, resentment, distancing and then ripe for a possible affair.
Your time. It's valuable and precious. What better way to show love to your spouse than to share time with him/her. It doesn't mean that you spend it together 24/7. But you need a minimum amount of time together in order to keep that marriage strong. Sharing moments during the day together, sharing how your day went at work, DATING EACH OTHER, quiet nights home together - it all keeps the home fires burning. If you spend almost all of your time pursuing your own things only, your spouse will feel neglected and then that can lead to deeper issues down the road.
Intimacy - it's the language of love just like mathematics is the language of science. Sex is needed for a healthy relationship (provided both spouses are healthy enough to have sex). Husbands and wives turn into brothers and sisters when the sex is taken out of the equation. Then someone hits their limit and possibly...
Keeping in shape for your spouse. Obviously everyone thinks first about that physical attraction. But it's more than that. You want to be able to spend the rest of your lives together, but that time needs to be full and vibrant if at all possible. You don't want to push your spouse around in a wheelchair because he/she didn't show you enough love to want to stay healthy.
Don't fall for the parent trap. I think all too easily parents feel that everything must go to the kids while they are growing up - even the marriage. I think a lot of parents pour so much into their kids that they leave little or no time for their spouse. It's OK if you don't sign your kid(s) up for every traveling team out there. Chances are your kid isn't that good at the sport anyways. By all means get them involved in activities, but remember the marriage comes first and the kids come second. The marriage is the foundation of the family, and not taking care of the marriage is analogous to not taking care of the foundation of your home.

Those are things I came up with from the top of my head.

I shouldn't be posting in this forum. But I elected to come back to respond to this thread, because I think it's a very important thread that all of us can reflect on.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

someone90 said:


> I don't really believe people cheat because their marriage is missing something, I think the cheater is missing something. So, I would say the most important thing is to find a person who has morals.
> 
> If I was in a terrible marriage I wouldn't cheat, I would either try to fix the marriage or end it.


I think some cheaters are defective people. Others are missing something and others are in crappy marriages. Cheating is never the right way to solve a problem but some people use it as a way to cope with their issues. It's why you can only control you and why marriages can never be affair proofed.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Never trust each other 100%.
I know that sounds unhealthy but you should have a respectful trust that reaches maybe 98%.
mate guard your partner.

I used to trust 100%, not anymore


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

someone90 said:


> I don't really believe people cheat because their marriage is missing something, I think the cheater is missing something. So, I would say the most important thing is to find a person who has morals.
> 
> If I was in a terrible marriage I wouldn't cheat, I would either try to fix the marriage or end it.


:iagree:

If you ask all the BS's if they thought they had a spouse that would never cheat, I'm sure most of them would say yes. There are also a good many that thought they had a good marriage; so even trying to "affair proof" the marriage is no guarantee.

The truth is you can never know with certainty. But if there's a way to measure morality in a potential spouse; that would be closer than anything else I could think of.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

For me, the best piece of advice that I can give is communicate and actually listen to what your partner says and respond accordingly. This goes for all areas of a marriage: not just preventing infidelity.

Before a marriage, if you have a low drive or a high drive, your future spouse needs to know to determine compatibility. Don't bait and switch them.

If you feel like something is wrong in your marriage, then you need to have a calm discussion with them. If you can not work it out that way, then go to counseling (both IC and MC if applicable).

Also, make sure that you and your future spouse read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman, _His Needs, Her Needs_ and _Love Busters_ by William Harley, and _Not Just Friends_ by Shirley Glass. I would read the last one because it's easy so easy to get into an EA.

Remember to be proactive rather than reactive.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Imo, the most important thing is liking your spouse. As in, they are your best friend... remaining close... that being the case, you are genuinely interested in your spouse.

Liking your spouse will carry you when that intense lust phase wears off...

And respect for you spouse. 

I have several motivations for not cheating.

1. I love my wife.
2. I like my wife.
3. I respect my wife and care wayyyy too much for her to ever do something that I know would absolutely devastate her.
4. I've got a good thing going... I do NOT want to mess it up. If I ever had an affair... things between her and I would never be the same. We'd get through it but she was never trust me like she does now. The wound's might heal but the scars never go away.

I have had chances (girls that made passes at me) but I've never been tempted. And, I have made it no secret how much I love my wife and how happy my marriage is. So, I wonder. Where those girls really interested in me??? Or did they just want to screw my marriage/life up. I'll never know.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marry an honest person; someone of decent character. It's great to marry someone you're crazy about, but you're better off marrying someone you actually respect, someone who respects themselves, treats others with respect and who is worthy of respect. If they'll lie to their boss or to their parents, they'll probably lie to you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Things that help avoid infidelity in a marriage?

How about keeping your pants on?

These threads are kind of silly. You either have morals or you don't. Affairs only happen when people are inherently selfish and weak. If you don't love your spouse, then divorce them. If you do, then try to fix your problems (i.e. go to marriage counseling, etc.) and if it doesn't fix the problem then divorce them. It really is that simple. There are no valid reasons, excuses or justifications to ever stab your partner in the back. Might as well have a thread on, "How to avoid the urge to rob a bank."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Things that help avoid infidelity in a marriage?
> 
> How about keeping your pants on?
> 
> *These threads are kind of silly.* You either have morals or you don't. Affairs only happen when people are inherently selfish and weak. If you don't love your spouse, then divorce them. If you do, then try to fix your problems (i.e. go to marriage counseling, etc.) and if it doesn't fix the problem then divorce them. It really is that simple. There are no valid reasons, excuses or justifications to ever stab your partner in the back. Might as well have a thread on, "How to avoid the urge to rob a bank."


Talking about ways to improve your marriage is silly. LOL. Only on the CWI forum will you ever read that there is no point in trying to strengthen your marriage so that a partner is less inclined to have that wandering eye.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> What do you guys think?


Graduate from college, get married, come back in 10 years.

You'll find that there are people that do the very things you think would work and it doesn't guarantee that infidelity will be avoided. All it takes is one hell of a selfish spouse with poor character and any preparation you think you've made to affair proof your marriage will be for naught.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Obviously I know I'm not experienced like most people here cause I'm too young, but I witnessed stuff and been told some ideas/advice and I just want to share and see what people think. No need to call this thread silly.

And I know the saying "Wait til your married" or something like that is a good excuse, but it still pisses me off regardless. Yes I'm aware that if I do get married they'll be lots of negatives as there are positives, just like any other marriage, but some people should stop sounding too negative. I know I'm not as "experienced" as you guys by far but no need for negativity.

Just saying.

And thanks to people who thought my post was pretty good and many of you who added more to it.  It's good to give advice to have people reflect on.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Talking about ways to improve your marriage is silly. LOL. Only on the CWI forum will you ever read that there is no point in trying to strengthen your marriage so that a partner is less inclined to have that wandering eye.


That's not the topic. There are plenty of marriages that need improvement that don't involve infidelity. 

The topic is how to avoid infidelity. That's easy, don't be selfish and have morals. If you have to worry about your partner's "wandering eye" then you need a new spouse...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There's nothing wrong with infidelity - if you both agree to it. It's the cheating and lying often associated with it that creates the problems!

The advice here on creating a good relationship is wonderful, and helps prevent cheating, but can't prevent it if one is so inclined.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Like I said, "BOTH partners have to commit."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

someone90 said:


> I don't really believe people cheat because their marriage is missing something, I think the cheater is missing something. So, I would say the most important thing is to find a person who has morals.
> 
> If I was in a terrible marriage I wouldn't cheat, I would either try to fix the marriage or end it.


This, this, this. If you and your partner don't both have the foundational morals of believing cheating is always wrong, nothing else on the list will matter.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> Like I said, "BOTH partners have to commit."


You say that, I say that, a LOT of people say that.. But, when you are in an absolutely miserable marriage...

And, you meet someone who's actually pleasant to be around you... who seems to like you... who doesn't savage you just be cause you are being your self. someone who doesn't find fault with every thing you do..

Well, sometimes, things happen... they just do...

I never cheated on my spouse while we were living together as husband and wife... She abandoned me... we were legally separated...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I'm just a young guy who's far from being married yet, but I came here on TAM in the first place because I had a friend back in high school who's mother cheated on his father, and I also notice how common infidelity is. I came here to see why people do things and see how others get affected. (All I know is that friend of mine didn't show in school for some days).
> 
> After having a PM conversation with a fellow user here, she told me to post this as a thread because she thought it was nice.
> 
> ...


Most or at least many good marriages that fall prey to infidelity start out just like you describe. But then inevitable life things happen, and your adventurous sex life, for example, gets put on hold while the colicky baby is up all night. The guidelines you suggest are great for starting out a marriage, but keeping it safe from infidelity over the long haul requires communication above all else. This includes knowing each other's emotional needs and striving to meet them, reaching a shared understanding about proper boundaries regarding opposite-sex friends, and many other things.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's not the topic. There are plenty of marriages that need improvement that don't involve infidelity.
> 
> The topic is how to avoid infidelity. That's easy, don't be selfish and have morals. If you have to worry about your partner's "wandering eye" then you need a new spouse...


It most certainly is the topic. To minimize the chances that you cheat or are cheated on in your marriage is to work at the marriage and do the various things that people have suggested in this thread to help maintain that connection to your spouse. Of course it doesn't guarantee that you wont' be cheated on nor you won't cheat in the future. However, it significantly minimizes the odds that infidelity strikes your marriage. Not all WS's are the spawn of Satan and not all BS's are noble creatures that were given a raw deal. No doubt that some WS's are selfish and broken people. But from what I've seen in real life, the marriage starts to degrade and then the cheating develops. I may not have experienced infidelity personally, but I've still seen it among various family and friends.

I get it that there are a number of jaded people on CWI who were bitten by infidelity despite their best efforts. But let's get real. The chances of experiencing infidelity personally decreases if both spouses work hard to keep the marriage strong. That's just common sense.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Part of "keeping a marriage strong" is not getting all weak and caving just because your marriage experiences a rough patch. All marriages eventually do, and the idea that a marriage can continually have all of the things on the OP's list at all times is just a fantasy. A fantasy, I might add, of a person who has NEVER BEEN MARRIED.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

All marriages start out in the idealistic way you describe.

There's no way in the world to affair-proof a marriage in my opinion. 

Cheaters are by nature sly and good at fooling people. Most BS on TAM say they never would have dreamt that their WS would cheat. That's why you don't know you are married to one until they cheat, well until you discover them. Confessions are almost unheard of. 

I'd say just don't worry about it and take your chances like the rest of us. Hopefully you will have better luck than us casualties on here.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Part of "keeping a marriage strong" is not getting all weak and caving just because your marriage experiences a rough patch.  All marriages eventually do, and the idea that a marriage can continually have all of the things on the OP's list at all times is just a fantasy. A fantasy, I might add, of a person who has NEVER BEEN MARRIED.


I agree that the OP's list read like it came from someone who hasn't been married. So what? He's asking for input and he put together some of the things he thinks are important. A number of us have chimed in to add flesh to his skeleton so to speak - which is what he was asking for. His confusion is that a number of items on his list are outcomes of a good marriage as opposed to the real components critical to having that good marriage where both partners feel fulfilled.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The only way to make absolutely sure you never get cheated on is to never enter into a monogamous relationship.

There are things you can do to lessen the chances of being cheated on when married, I suppose. If you are an a$$hole to your spouse, they may decide to cheat rather than divorce you. It's hard to define, though, because you can't blame the person who gets cheated on. It's always a choice the cheater ends up making, and is always 100% their decision. So saying that there are things you can do to make your spouse stay faithful is misleading. You can't make anyone stay faithful.

Shirley Glass's book Not Just Friends should be required reading for everyone getting married. It explains EA's, which many people just don't realize exist, and how to recognize the red flags. 

But what it boils down to is that both partners have to be committed. To each other but also to the marriage itself and remaining faithful no matter what. A better question might be how to keep and strengthen that commitment through time and over the years, because most people start out that way and lose it somewhere.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Part of "keeping a marriage strong" is not getting all weak and caving just because your marriage experiences a rough patch. All marriages eventually do, and the idea that a marriage can continually have all of the things on the OP's list at all times is just a fantasy. A fantasy, I might add, of a person who has NEVER BEEN MARRIED.


Yes I've never been married because I'm too young for it right now, but I think you should *watch your tone*.



Plan 9 from OS said:


> I agree that the OP's list read like it came from someone who hasn't been married. So what? He's asking for input and he put together some of the things he thinks are important. A number of us have chimed in to add flesh to his skeleton so to speak - which is what he was asking for. His confusion is that a number of items on his list are outcomes of a good marriage as opposed to the real components critical to having that good marriage where both partners feel fulfilled.


Thank you.


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

********** said:


> All marriages start out in the idealistic way you describe.
> 
> There's no way in the world to affair-proof a marriage in my opinion.
> 
> ...


Haha yeah thanks for that last comment.


So far things that were discussed in this thread are not to trust a spouse 100%, and that many BS's never expected there spouse to cheat. Now along with this info, there's lots of successful marriages here on TAM that also proclaim that there are no infidelity in their marriages, but how could they be so sure? Of course, I'm not suggesting that these marriages actually have infidelity, I'm just making a point based on what people are telling me and what I see.

Blessed to those who have good marriages though! I know there's not that many people with successful marriages here in the CWI section as opposed to the other sections.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

someone90 said:


> I don't really believe people cheat because their marriage is missing something, I think the cheater is missing something. So, *I would say the most important thing is to find a person who has morals*.
> 
> If I was in a terrible marriage I wouldn't cheat, I would either try to fix the marriage or end it.


Exactly. If you ask my STBXH we had a horrible marriage. If you ask me, we had a horrible marriage. But he cheated. Hmmmm.....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married 22 years - no infidelity.

We're both high morals, high character and high boundaries.

Oh and we're rule followers.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Apparently a great number of men who cheat also said that they are happy in their marriage. 
I'd like to think that you can affair proof a relationship but in reality I believe it to be impossible. The only person you can that you can affair proof is yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

Thanks for the advice guys. Yeah, I've seen the effects of infidelity happen, such as my friend who didn't come to school for some days after he found out his mother cheated. After cruising around online and TAM, infidelity is more common than you think.

Bad marriages, whether infidelity, lack of sex, or lack of communication, etc, is common. I don't want to be that type of husband who gets paranoid whenever his wife goes out to eat with friends, or I don't want to be that type of husband who seeks comfort in another woman that shows interest in me in my tough times.

I'm young right now so there's no need for me to worry about a good or bad marriage. I, like any other person, would hope to find someone special and the both of us can work it out no how troubling times may be.

Life comes as it is. Whatever happens, happens. I'll accept that. I do know that no matter how bad times may be in the future, I have a family and I have friends. I believe that God blesses.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> Haha yeah thanks for that last comment.
> 
> 
> So far things that were discussed in this thread are not to trust a spouse 100%, and that many BS's never expected there spouse to cheat. Now along with this info, there's lots of successful marriages here on TAM that also proclaim that there are no infidelity in their marriages, but how could they be so sure? Of course, I'm not suggesting that these marriages actually have infidelity, I'm just making a point based on what people are telling me and what I see.
> ...


Nothing in life is 100% certain. Despite that, you can have a pretty good handle on whether your spouse is deserving of trust or not. There's a difference between trusting your spouse and being naively ignorant of being aware of boundaries. Part of trusting your spouse is to not have secrets. That includes the notion of privacy in marriage. You and your spouse should be an open book. It's perfectly fine to have your own personal e-mail, but make sure that you are not locking it away from your spouse. You share passwords. You can trust your spouse and still check up on your spouse to confirm that everything is on the level. No secrecy, no privacy (in multimedia devices, e-mails, etc) and appropriate boundaries. Nothing wrong with getting into the practice of keeping each other informed of what he/she is up to. If your spouse is going out with friends, I would expect the following from my wife: "Hey Plan9, I'm going out with A and B tonight. We're going to go out to eat at "Joe's Diner", will head off to the movies to see "Chick flick 9000" and then I'll be home by 11 pm". 

Oh, and take any statements like "I had no idea my spouse was cheating. I thought our marriage was great" with a grain of salt. Not that the person is lying about not having any idea of the infidelity, but of the notion that his/her marriage was great. I believe that a number of cases you read on the net concerning infidelity are lacking all the facts. Just because someone thinks they have a great marriage, it doesn't always mean that's true. It doesn't mean they are lying, it means that they may not always be paying attention to know what is actually going on in the marriage. You saw people write about how things change in the marriage as kids and jobs become more involved. Well, people can fall into the habit of going on auto pilot and "thinking" that everything is alright. However, they fail to see the routine develop and then become complacent and assume "I always have tomorrow to spend time with my spouse. I think I'll just veg out and watch TV today..." or "I don't feel like making the effort to see what's going on with my spouse. I'll just do my own thing because I had a long day and I deserve to do what I want...". If you get stuck in that mindset and that quality time with the spouse keeps getting pushed out further and further starts to erode the marriage. 

That's my take anyways.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_That includes the notion of privacy in marriage. You and your spouse should be an open book. It's perfectly fine to have your own personal e-mail, but make sure that you are not locking it away from your spouse._

:iagree: Privacy can turn into secrecy right before your eyes and you won't even know it if you have not put mutually agreed-upon guidelines in place to keep that from happening.

Curious: The main message in this thread is that you have to work at your marriage to keep it healthy. I know that is a cliche, but it's important. Avoid the trap of "She's my soulmate, she should just know what my needs are without my telling her." To an engaged couple or newlyweds it might seem romance-killing to talk about things like opposite-sex friends guidelines or password sharing, but these kinds of discussions set the foundation for openness and honesty, which are the raw materials from which trust is formed, which in turn is the real foundation of a successful marriage. With specific reference to infidelity, Hope1964 mentioned the book Not Just Friends. It is must reading. And better read by a couple to prevent an affair from starting rather than (as in my case) to try and make sense of one that has already happened.

Best of luck to you.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Staying single.
> 
> OOOOhohohohoho


Yeah, that too. :smthumbup:


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Chastity belts for both
no wait that would not work for oral


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Hey Curious_Guy. It's great you're thinking about marriage, but a word of warning; CWI is not the best place to do your research. It'll make you old and cynical before your time 

Firstly there are NO guarantees. This is just some of my ideas on 'best practice'. 

Now the best way to keep infidelity out of your marriage is to do a scrupulous background check into who you finally marry. Looking around on CWI shows you a few pointers:

1. Family of Origin - Are her parents divorced? Have they subsequently re-married several times? Your future wife will learn a lot about marriage from her parents. She may want to be like them, she may want to be the opposite. Your job is to find out.

2. Avoid, if you can, people who have had a traumatic childhood; molestations, rapes, etc. It takes years of dedicated time to help people overcome their unasked for pasts. Not your problem unless you choose it to be

3. Avoid people who believe it is your job to make them happy. It's each individuals job to find contentment for themselves. Your spouse's input is a bonus.

4. Avoid people who need 'saving'. You usually can't and you'll end up being the dad to a teenager.

5. Avoid people who are passive/aggressive. Bad communication skills. Direct and honest is far, far more preferable.

6. Avoid women who have more male friends than female ones. Several of her male friends are one who would do anything to sleep with her, but haven't had the opportunity. Yet.

7. Avoid women who want to keep in touch with exes or anyone they've slept with. This will more than likely come and bite you on the arse.

On your points I kind of disagree:


Curious_Guy said:


> If I were to say... keep a marriage from having infidelity, then here's my guidelines:
> 1. Marry someone who's your best friend and lover at the same time. Someone you can't live without and need just as much as he/she need you.


By the time I got married I'd known my Best Man for around 25 years (ten times longer than my wife). There was no way that my wife could, at that time, compete with all the escapades we had got up to growing up. What I did do is marry someone who could, one day, _become _my best friend. 

Note: You are both going to change. I'd pity my wife if she was still married to the same guy that she married 11 years ago. Healthy relationships make you grow. I think of it like two rockets fired into the sky only kept in proximity by communication and your mutual core principles. Life will change you both, it's unavoidable.



> 2. You're crazy about your spouse! You love him/her so much and they're always on your mind and you're exciting to come home to a loving spouse after work.


I remember the early years of dating, they were great. And as a newlywed there was nothing quite like coming home after working late to have someone waiting for me. But this becomes the norm. That's marriage for you. You see each other every single day. For years. That initial thrill leaves you both.

An example: Having not seen my future wife for a few days I couldn't wait to go pick her up and take her out. I'd get to her door, ring the bell and... WOW! There she was looking gorgeous.

Of course once we got married I'd see every step of the way as she got ready. So no matter how lovely she looked we'd lost that open-the-door-WOW-moment. Obvious remedy.

So, those early feelings are great but (and this is a mistake we made for a time) NEVER stop flirting and dating and seducing your wife.



> 3. You guys take your marriage vows seriously. Some people claim they would never cheat, but people change when they grow up and they all of a sudden are cheaters. (Instances like these are posted here on TAM Never say Never)


My two great lessons from TAM are a) Everyone can cheat. b) Learn about marital boundaries. Some people have a greater propensity to cheat, your job is to weed them out. If she's cheated before or cheats on you before your even married - get rid. The world is full of good, loyal, wonderful women.

The healthiest way to think is that you, me and your future wife are capable of cheating; we choose not to and take steps to ensure we won't. But it still might happen. There are no guarantees.



> 4. Sex life should be adventurous. That way, sex won't become "plain vanilla."


Agree. I would recommend getting to know your sexual compatibility before marriage; you're about to sign an exclusivity agrement, so it's best to know just what you're getting yourself into. Luckily, my religion doesn't preclude pre-marital sex. If yours does, you have my sympathies.



> 5. Both spouses should stay in shape. Exercise is very important when it comes to sex. Also, it makes you physically attractive. After all, why cheat when you already have an attractive spouse? Lol


Agree on this for the attractiveness and health benefits. But... attractive people, in great shape get cheated on every single day. No guarantees.



> Of course, BOTH partners have to commit.


Of course. Good luck and happy hunting!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Be kind, decent, helpful, work hard, spend quality time, and whatever you do, NEVER, I MEAN REALLY, NEVER EVER, become a doormat. 

And don't overthink this. You can be a great partner and still end up with an a$$hole. Just be yourself. And take things as they come. Don't give out sh*t, and don't put up with it either. 

You really cannot come up with a formula for this. If you think you can you will be making huge mistakes. You can read all you like, and put all in place all you like. And still be taken for a ride.

So long as you are aware of red flags, and you have a good balanced relationship, that is all you can do.

Experience is your friend.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> Hey Curious_Guy. It's great you're thinking about marriage, but a word of warning; CWI is not the best place to do your research. It'll make you old and cynical before your time
> 
> Firstly there are NO guarantees. This is just some of my ideas on 'best practice'.
> 
> ...


To cut this post short and cut to the chase (sorry azteca, I love your posts), stay single and never go out with the opposite sex... same sex....anyone. 

Ever.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Remains said:


> To cut this post short and cut to the chase (sorry azteca, I love your posts), stay single and never go out with the opposite sex... same sex....anyone.
> 
> Ever.


Ouch. 

You know, sunsets are beautiful things, but are all the better when you have someone to share them with. 

The world is full of great women; fun, beguiling, strong, compassionate, perplexing, sexy, frustrating, confident, intriguing, warm, brave, honest and _loyal_. Our job is to find one of the many good ones. The good news is if you're a good guy (not a Nice Guy), they'll be looking for you too.

I know Remains post was tongue in cheek, but fear of failure will hold you back in life more than anything else, C_G. Sometimes 'bad' things happens to good people, it's a lot easier to deal with a good woman by your side.

Analogy: Think of a Ferrari. Think what it feels like to sit in. What it smells like. The feeling of the steering wheel in your hands. The sound as you touch the starter button and the engine barks into life. The way the whole car vibrates and as you push the throttle and the engine sings. Have you ever driven a car, just for the joy of driving (preferably at night)? Driving quickly but safely, getting to know the car. Imagine doing that but in a car that is better in every way than anything you've driven to date; corners better, brakes better, better acceleration. And all the while you're having your senses assaulted by the whole, visceral experience.

Now imagine denying yourself that experience because there is the possibility that you _might _crash.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

But we are social beings and all want someone to share our life with. Even those of us who got burnt terribly still spend our time trying to fix with the same or giving up to find another partner. A better one.

It is a rare person who gives up on ever wanting a life partner ever again.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Now, what's the chances of a marriage ending in divorce, about 50%? Even if you believe some of the data that says nearer to 25%, huh?? You would not let your child drive if there was a one in four chance of it being fatal, would you? It's not a fair comparison.


In fairness most analogies won't stand up to statistical analysis. 

Here's one more statistic. My wife and I have a special needs child. In the UK the failure rate for such relationships is *80%*. When I first found this out, we were just pulling back from talking seriously about divorce and were geographically separated (and would be for months). Initially I didn't want to tell my wife; why lay this on her with everything else she was dealing with?

That thought lasted about five minutes.

Then I realised that my wife is not some delicate flower that needs to be protected from all the evil in the world, but my life partner who deserves to be armed with the facts. I can't keep our marriage together on my own. It'll take both of us.

Ultimately all that statistic means is we can expect our marriage to be under extra strain. We don't care that the odds are stacked so badly against us getting through our life in one piece. We won't let fear rule us. We will choose whether we fall into the 20% or the 80%. And I know I can have this attitude because I have a woman of quality by my side. Even when she's half a world away.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I'm just a young guy who's far from being married yet, but I came here on TAM in the first place because I had a friend back in high school who's mother cheated on his father, and I also notice how common infidelity is. I came here to see why people do things and see how others get affected. (All I know is that friend of mine didn't show in school for some days).
> 
> After having a PM conversation with a fellow user here, she told me to post this as a thread because she thought it was nice.
> 
> ...


The most important one..

Don't think for a second that doing all of the above will prevent an affair. The biggest danger is thinking you're safe from affairs or that your marriage is somehow affair proof. Knowing that it's a possibility and avoiding situations that can lead to temptation, and understanding boundaries are keys. Recognizing the small things that lead to bigger things that eventually lead to the cheater giving themselves permission to cheat.

Also, in my case, if the family has a history of cheating.. Mom, Aunty, Grandma etc... then they will have differing views on cheating than someone that doesn't have a history of cheating in the family. So you can add 'marry someone who's parents and grandparents didn't cheat'. to the list.


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