# Very insecure husband, Advice please!



## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

Sorry in advance, I know it's long…ridiculously long…. 
Ok so I feel like I'm losing it here. I have been married to my husband for over 9 years now. We've been together for 12. We have two children together and I have two children from my first marriage. My divorce was pretty straightforward and we separated amicably. Not much else to say about that one. But my marriage right now with my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. We've had a lot of struggles to say the least, but we somehow managed to make things work. We struggle financially and we've had some health issues to deal with but we've survived. so getting to the point of what's on my mind... I love my husband with all my heart but he is a very insecure and jealous person. He has tons of trust issues not just with me but with every relationship he's ever had. let me be very clear here, I have never in any way shape or form cheated on my husband or have given him any reason not to trust me. I have been faithful and loyal through out our entire relationship. but what’s really starting to get to me is that he picks a fight with me every time I go out. It doesn't matter where I'm going or who I'm with, if I'm going out as an adult woman on her own without him to dinner or out for drinks or whatever he gets crazy. He will find something to fight about. He would often try to come up with excuses to stop me from going out as well. When I go out he says he can't sleep. He's up all night he says. And in the past he’s actually use that as a reason for me not to go out. He actually told me that I shouldn’t go out because he wouldn’t be able to sleep and had to work in the morning. He’s often try to sabotage my night out and come up with plenty of excuses to try to keep me in. anything from the whole he can't sleep thing, too “well I really just wanted to spend time with you tonight “(even though I had something else already planned). We have been to therapy, we have tried talking it out. It doesn't matter nothing seems to make it better. It does sometimes seem like it's worse than others. But all in all it's always there in the background no matter what. And we almost always get into a fight before or after I go out. Now I will admit in the beginning of our relationship there were times that I would go out with my girlfriends and I would be out was very late. Close the bars late. But that was kind of our life style then. Before we hooked up and had kids that’s what we did. He was the lead singer in a band. He used to enjoy going out to places like that too. In fact that’s how we met. So he knew that I like to go out and have fun like this when we first got together. I understand that things get serious after you get married and have kids and they did. Going out wasn’t at the top of the list. But I see nothing wrong with going out and having fun every now and then. And I can assure you that I was only out to spend time with my friends and have a good time. I always came home to him, I never didn't come home. There was never any ulterior motive. And he says he believes me and he says he knows that. He gives me the whole “well I trust you it’s everyone else I don’t trust”. Then why are we still going through this? Because honestly I’m the only one he needs to trust. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is intentions are as long as he knows mine. Now, I stopped all my crazy nights a long time ago. Years ago. I do occasionally still go out. Maybe once a month? Sometimes maybe twice if I’m lucky ? honestly I've gone a month or two not going out at all. Not getting out of my house and hanging out with friends or anything. I'm a stay at home mom who runs a daycare out of her home. so you can probably imagine how the walls can close in on you. and let me mention he is often invited to go out with me and chooses not to for his own reasons. The older he gets the less social he wants to be. He has his hobbies and thats pretty much are all he ever wants to do.I try to do the things he likes as often as possible with him but it's just not my thing. He really doesn't have to many friends anymore either. But I just don’t see what the big deal is. Every now and then I like to go out and like to have some drinks. I like to get away from the house in the kids and just be me. Is that too much to ask for? It's gotten so bad that this past weekend I had plans to go out with my cousins. He did not want to go as usual. So he has a big long talk with me before I go. Long story short on this one, it basically boils down to him telling me that it's not that he doesn't trust me, it's just a he worries about me. So basically what he asked of me is that I check in with him every couple of hours. He actually wants me to call or text him about every 2 hours while I'm out to let him know that I'm OK. I'm sorry but I feel like this is just complete BS. He 's worried that I'm out at these places where people are drinking and something could happen to me. Fair enough, but let's be honest here, something could happen to me anywhere. Something could happen to me on my way to the grocery store. Something could happen to me at the bank, at home… He does not require me to check in with him every 2 hours throughout any given day. So what is checking in with him every 2 hours while I'm out with my cousins or friends going to matter? so I went out the other night to dinner with a cousin. We went out and had a glass of wine and dinner. I was gone two and a half hours and then I was home. And the next day he picked a huge fight with me because I did not check in with him. I was gone two and a half hours, and he know the exact place I was at. this is what I'm dealing with. And he will sit here and swear up and down that only about my safety. Tell me if I’m wrong please but that seems so ridiculously excessive to me. I don’t ask him to check in with me when he’s out all day on a hunt. On the very rare times he’s with his friends I don’t ask him to check in with me. And when I point this out to him I get the whole, “well I don’t mind doing it for you. I would do it for you if you wanted me to.” But I don't. His insecurities are not mine and shouldn’t be forced on me. And that’s just the thing, we struggled through some pretty serious things. He’s had issues with addiction, and a few online and phone relationships with other women. He swears nothing was ever physical. So things had explode pretty bad on us a few years back but he got help and counseling and we worked through it all. It just really pisses me off sometimes that he treats me like I’m the one who can’t be trusted when really it should be the other way around. He is always coming to me telling me I’m acting weird one day, or on my phone too much, or just blatantly comes out with it and lets me know that he’s worried I’m cheating or will cheat. I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of his ever-evolving excuses. What it was that bothered him about it a couple years ago has gone and now it’s just something completely different. He always manages to come up with something. A reason. An excuse. I’m just tired of it. You can only come up with so many reasons why you don’t like me going out before it becomes blatantly obvious that you don’t trust me. I just need some advice on how to handle this. I really don’t want to come back and read a bunch of crap about him being some crazy jerk. Because I know he loves me. I'm not trying to make him look like a monster. I’ve tried to be as honest and detailed as possible. (Obviously because it's like my life story here, and trust me when i tell you this is my condensed version. I could go on and on. Lol) I just really need to know how I can stop this behavior, short of giving up what little freedoms and independence I have left as a wife and mother of four, before it wrecks my marriage. I really feel like I should be able to maintain some level of independence. Im not just a wife. Im a woman on my own as well. So, what is this? Control? Insecurity? Lack of trust? Is it me? Please tell me if it's me. 
*sorry for typos i did this on my phone*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A wall of text is almost impossible to read.. humans eyes have trouble focusing on it. So I copied your post here and broke it up into paragraphs....

==================================================================
Sorry in advance, I know it's long…ridiculously long…. 

Ok so I feel like I'm losing it here. I have been married to my husband for over 9 years now. We've been together for 12. We have two children together and I have two children from my first marriage. My divorce was pretty straightforward and we separated amicably. Not much else to say about that one. But my marriage right now with my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. We've had a lot of struggles to say the least, but we somehow managed to make things work. 

We struggle financially and we've had some health issues to deal with but we've survived. so getting to the point of what's on my mind... I love my husband with all my heart but he is a very insecure and jealous person. He has tons of trust issues not just with me but with every relationship he's ever had. 

let me be very clear here, I have never in any way shape or form cheated on my husband or have given him any reason not to trust me. I have been faithful and loyal through out our entire relationship. but what’s really starting to get to me is that he picks a fight with me every time I go out. It doesn't matter where I'm going or who I'm with, if I'm going out as an adult woman on her own without him to dinner or out for drinks or whatever he gets crazy. He will find something to fight about. He would often try to come up with excuses to stop me from going out as well. When I go out he says he can't sleep. He's up all night he says. 

And in the past he’s actually use that as a reason for me not to go out. He actually told me that I shouldn’t go out because he wouldn’t be able to sleep and had to work in the morning. He’s often try to sabotage my night out and come up with plenty of excuses to try to keep me in. 

anything from the whole he can't sleep thing, too “well I really just wanted to spend time with you tonight “(even though I had something else already planned). We have been to therapy, we have tried talking it out. It doesn't matter nothing seems to make it better. It does sometimes seem like it's worse than others. But all in all it's always there in the background no matter what. And we almost always get into a fight before or after I go out. 

Now I will admit in the beginning of our relationship there were times that I would go out with my girlfriends and I would be out was very late. Close the bars late. But that was kind of our life style then. Before we hooked up and had kids that’s what we did. He was the lead singer in a band. He used to enjoy going out to places like that too. 

In fact that’s how we met. So he knew that I like to go out and have fun like this when we first got together. I understand that things get serious after you get married and have kids and they did. Going out wasn’t at the top of the list. But I see nothing wrong with going out and having fun every now and then. And I can assure you that I was only out to spend time with my friends and have a good time. 

I always came home to him, I never didn't come home. There was never any ulterior motive. And he says he believes me and he says he knows that. He gives me the whole “well I trust you it’s everyone else I don’t trust”. Then why are we still going through this? Because honestly I’m the only one he needs to trust. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is intentions are as long as he knows mine. Now, I stopped all my crazy nights a long time ago. Years ago. 

I do occasionally still go out. Maybe once a month? Sometimes maybe twice if I’m lucky ? honestly I've gone a month or two not going out at all. Not getting out of my house and hanging out with friends or anything. I'm a stay at home mom who runs a daycare out of her home. so you can probably imagine how the walls can close in on you. and let me mention he is often invited to go out with me and chooses not to for his own reasons. 

The older he gets the less social he wants to be. He has his hobbies and thats pretty much are all he ever wants to do.I try to do the things he likes as often as possible with him but it's just not my thing. He really doesn't have to many friends anymore either. But I just don’t see what the big deal is. Every now and then I like to go out and like to have some drinks. I like to get away from the house in the kids and just be me. Is that too much to ask for? It's gotten so bad that this past weekend I had plans to go out with my cousins. He did not want to go as usual. 

So he has a big long talk with me before I go. Long story short on this one, it basically boils down to him telling me that it's not that he doesn't trust me, it's just a he worries about me. So basically what he asked of me is that I check in with him every couple of hours. He actually wants me to call or text him about every 2 hours while I'm out to let him know that I'm OK. I'm sorry but I feel like this is just complete BS. He 's worried that I'm out at these places where people are drinking and something could happen to me. Fair enough, but let's be honest here, something could happen to me anywhere. Something could happen to me on my way to the grocery store. 

Something could happen to me at the bank, at home… He does not require me to check in with him every 2 hours throughout any given day. So what is checking in with him every 2 hours while I'm out with my cousins or friends going to matter? so I went out the other night to dinner with a cousin. We went out and had a glass of wine and dinner. I was gone two and a half hours and then I was home. And the next day he picked a huge fight with me because I did not check in with him. I was gone two and a half hours, and he know the exact place I was at. this is what I'm dealing with. And he will sit here and swear up and down that only about my safety. 

Tell me if I’m wrong please but that seems so ridiculously excessive to me. I don’t ask him to check in with me when he’s out all day on a hunt. On the very rare times he’s with his friends I don’t ask him to check in with me. And when I point this out to him I get the whole, “well I don’t mind doing it for you. I would do it for you if you wanted me to.” But I don't. His insecurities are not mine and shouldn’t be forced on me. And that’s just the thing, we struggled through some pretty serious things. He’s had issues with addiction, and a few online and phone relationships with other women. He swears nothing was ever physical. So things had explode pretty bad on us a few years back but he got help and counseling and we worked through it all. 

It just really pisses me off sometimes that he treats me like I’m the one who can’t be trusted when really it should be the other way around. He is always coming to me telling me I’m acting weird one day, or on my phone too much, or just blatantly comes out with it and lets me know that he’s worried I’m cheating or will cheat. I’m just tired of this. I’m tired of his ever-evolving excuses. What it was that bothered him about it a couple years ago has gone and now it’s just something completely different. He always manages to come up with something. 

A reason. An excuse. I’m just tired of it. You can only come up with so many reasons why you don’t like me going out before it becomes blatantly obvious that you don’t trust me. I just need some advice on how to handle this. I really don’t want to come back and read a bunch of crap about him being some crazy jerk. Because I know he loves me. I'm not trying to make him look like a monster. I’ve tried to be as honest and detailed as possible. (Obviously because it's like my life story here, and trust me when i tell you this is my condensed version.

I could go on and on. Lol) I just really need to know how I can stop this behavior, short of giving up what little freedoms and independence I have left as a wife and mother of four, before it wrecks my marriage. I really feel like I should be able to maintain some level of independence. Im not just a wife. Im a woman on my own as well. So, what is this? Control? Insecurity? Lack of trust? Is it me? Please tell me if it's me. 

*sorry for typos i did this on my phone*


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

luv2liv4them said:


> Sorry in advance, I know it's long…ridiculously long….
> 
> Ok so I feel like I'm losing it here. I have been married to my husband for over 9 years now. We've been together for 12. We have two children together and I have two children from my first marriage. My divorce was pretty straightforward and we separated amicably. Not much else to say about that one. But my marriage right now with my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me.
> 
> ...


Here's an edited version with paragraphs because I'm bored.

OP, he's projecting what he did on to you....he knows people are not trustworthy because he wasn't, so he assume you won't be to. With that said, I don't see the harm in you checking in with him every 2 hours when you're out It's not like it is every 20 minutes. Lots of people would like someone to be so concerned about them


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with you that this his behavior is over the top. I also believe that he is projecting his failings on you.

You should be able to go out once a month or so with friends.

So what to do?

Would he consider going to individual counseling for his own problem? This is his problem not yours. Sure he is making it your problem, but it comes from with him. You say that he has really cut back on his own social life. He might have had to do to that to stop his cheating. So now that he's give up his social life to protect your marriage, he wants you do what he's done.. give up a social life.

It's not fair to you. I can see doing this one of three ways.

1) You make no changes. He goes to individual counseling to get over his issues. He has the problem, not you.

2) You both have gps tracking on your cell phones and he can always just check were you are. I say both of you get it because anything you do, he has to do. This even if you don't care if he has gps tracking. That way he gets to experience the same thing. And he goes to individual counseling to get over his issues. He has the problem, not you.


3) Maybe you could strike a balance for right now. You will call/text him every 2 hours if he will do the same to for you when he's out. I know, you do not need him to do that. But if you are going to do it, he needs to do it. He needs to experience the inconvenience of it. And in exchange for that he has to go to individual counseling, he has to allow you to talk to the counselor with him there in the first meeting and once very few sessions to make sure that the counselor knows your perspective. There has to be an end date set for when the 2 hour reporting stops.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Why are you and your husband not out together and do you guys spend time together?

Do you have friends with colourful pasts that he may have issues with?

There's trust issues here so may as well stop beating around the bush and figure out what's triggering them. 

Usually, it's not all one person with the issues and you could be contributing to his issues......


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## Chickaboom (Sep 21, 2015)

I don't think you can stop this behaviour - that's got to be something he's committed to doing, and he's not going to be until he sees his behaviour as a problem. It is excessive, and unreasonable. I have no idea what the cause is, but I do wonder how you react to his angry responses. I'd suggest you find a time when he's not upset to have a talk with him about it. I don't think you should text him every couple hours, just do the common courtesy of calling if you're going to be back later than you said you would and be mindful of his struggles. Praise the positives, reassure him that he's the only one you want, but give no reaction to him when he's picking the fights. Keep your communications short and to the point at those times, and keep your boundaries firm.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

It could be he is projecting his own infidelity on to you.

I have to say that your story seemed very one sided: it's all him that's wrong and what you want is normal and not unreasonable. Let me ask you, is there anything from your past that when you go out would lead him to believe you might be unfaithful? Do you have a history of excessive drinking? Talking to other men while out? It could be that he is just obsessive, about you going out without him, but there could be a reason for this feeling based in your behavior. Could you give us more information.

I'll be honest with you, there are no girls nights out or boys nights out at bars or clubs in our marriage, never has been. I don't like them and I think my wife feels the same way (she's never seemed to want them and she was a SAHM). I think these nights out drinking have the potential for a lot of problems that are easily avoided by not going. Maybe your husband feels the same way and he just doesn't want to say it out of fear of being called sexist or controlling?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We need more information about your marriage in general.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The Middleman said:


> *I'll be honest with you, there are no girls nights out or boys nights out at bars or clubs in our marriage, never has been. I don't like them and I think my wife feels the same way (she's never seemed to want them and she was a SAHM). I think these nights out drinking have the potential for a lot of problems that are easily avoided by not going*. Maybe your husband feels the same way and he just doesn't want to say it out of fear of being called sexist or controlling?


We're the same way.. I think it may be different from those of us who never got into that sort of thing...I was never one who cared about Girls night out ... every time I read posts like this.. I can understand why a caring husband would feel the way he does...

My H would also say he trusts me but he wouldn't trust the type of characters out & about in these places... he also can't sleep if I am out at night. It's not a controlling thing, he will let me go.. last time I did that was years ago now to go see the clippendales. (not like he could go with me!)

But here.. clearly there is some "*projection*" as to his own past indiscretions plus his being a former lead singer in a band, I'm sure he's seen his share of infidelity in these places....that sometimes a night of FUN takes a turn to something more sinister (especially if a disconnect at home is at play)...

A relative of ours wanted the husband to go out dancing with her... he didn't want to, told her he lived those days, he wants to stay home with the kids.... she ended up getting involved with a drummer.....but it all innocently started with just going out with some friends.. 

This ended their 19 yr marriage..(3 kids)

If at all possible.. if he's willing.. go out together.. it's a good compromise.. I don't think it's too much to ask to check in every couple hours with him either..


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Your husband sounds to me as though he feels the way I did when I was a small child and my parents went out in the evening leaving me with my big sister. I hated it and could not wait formy mother to return. But then I was probably only five or six. Your husband sounds to me to suffer from serious insecurity. Do you know why? I agree with those who say he needs help.

An occasional night out with friends is ok but it is much better if he comes with you. Perhaps you can put your foot down here?


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

Thank you for all the responses. I'd to give a bit more info to response to your replies:

First off my husband has been in individual counseling. For years. He started going about 5 years ago to save our marriage when he fell into addiction from pain killers due to an injury which led to issues with alcohol, porn, and online/phone conversations with other woman. He started out in individual and then we did couples counseling. In fact we still go, both together and alone, from time to time when we need it. It has helped us deal with all these issues, however, it has not stopped the insecurity.

We do have a good marriage. We still are intimate regularly, we have "date night" at home weekly; because of the kids we don't get out often, especially together. And we do try to get out together about once a month for dinner or a movie. He is almost always is invited to come with me unless it's "girls night". But he never wants to. I have tried to talk to him about my desire to go out and socialize with him and others but he just shoots me down.

The people I go out with are not strangers to him. He knows my cousins very well and used to enjoy hanging out with all them. Now he never wants to. Then there are my three best girlfriends. Two he is fine with. He's known them as long as he knows me. The other he doesn't like. She was in a bad marriage and both she and her spouse were unfaithful to each other. She also tends to drink too much. And I did go out with her pretty often in the past. But it started to become too much of an issue because he really just made a huge deal about it every time I wanted to go out with her. To solve this, I now barely ever go out with her and when I do I limit it to pretty much just dinner. I like this person very much and for every bad thing he would say about her I can tell you three good things. Plus her daughter is my daughters best friend, and they lived next door. It's not like I could always avoid her. I fought for my friendship with her because I know deep down she is a good person and I don't think that I should have to hold my friendships to my husbands standards completely. Yes his opinion matters, but ultimately I think it should be my decision and my friendships should be made and kept by my standards, not any one else's. I truly believe that he should not be judging me because she made bad choices in her life. Not all the friends he ever had were perfect. Just because she decided to cheat does not mean I will. 

Which brings me to my next point... As far as my past. When I met my current husband I was still married to my first. It wasn't a good marriage and it was more of a convenience thing at that point. We were young, I got pregnant, end of story; not real love by any means. My (now) husband knew this. So when he and I first hooked up I was technically still married. But we were on our way into a separation. Things didn't get serious until we finally officially split. Now I am not perfect, but I am not some ***** that just sleeps around with anyone. I have never had a one night stand. I have never just gone home with someone I just meet. Especial in a bar. So I do not have this personality that he needs to worry about me reverting to. I love my husband and I have always been faithful to him. There has never, ever been anyone else. I don't want anyone else.

When he starts this whole insecurity thing, in the past I would try my hardest to be understanding. I spent years constantly reassuring him and telling him he has no need to worry. I would put up with his talks and his constant questions. Going through my phone and whatever. It finally got to a point after what he put me through with the drugs and other woman that I guess that switch finally flipped in me. Then I started getting mad and pissed when he questioned me. Because at that point it was like "really? who the hell does he think he is after what he has put me through?!" I felt like I have been patient enough and that this crap had to stop. I felt like I have more then proved my love and loyalty when I stood by him through all that bs and that I shouldn't have to explain myself anymore. I have handed my phone over, left my Facebook wide open. I have given him my passwords. Just this past weekend when he pulled this crap again I brought up the fact that my phone has gps. Feel free. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. His response was usually, "come on, your not stupid. You know how to work electronics better then most, definitely better then me. If there was something you would have already made it disappear." I can't win. 

I did go out on Halloween with my cousins. It was planned for months. He didn't want to go. I texted his ass every hour just to make a point. lol. but we were already fighting from earlier that day so he didn't care. The fight, was because he was mad at me for for going out the night before with my out of town cousin. We went to dinner. That's it. She lives out of state and I wanted some quality time with her. I was gone for 2 and a half hours and he didn't hear from me within that time frame I was out. So he picked a fight the next day. Yes, he was invited but didn't want to go.

So that's about it. Hope this helps clear up some of your inquires and thoughts.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Can you really not see your H's concern. You and he met while you were still married, although you describe it as not "really" a marriage, it really was. So he knows he was able to get with you while married why would he think another man would not. Also, having spent some time in clubs and bars he probably knows what can go on there especially to an unescorted woman. And he is right not to trust other men as there seems to be an infiltration of men lacking character and honor especially at these locations. And all other influences aside, there is seldom any positive net gain when alcohol is introduced.

In any event, I offer my observations but I am biased to home life and quite evenings with those you care most about in the world.

Interesting user name given the post content.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then I would say to continue to live your life, keep him in the loop when you do things, and let him become a hermit if he wants to, just make it clear you will not become one, too. Tell him, in front of the counselor, that you are going to keep him in the loop, but you won't live like a hermit just to assuage his insecurity, and that you'll stay in contact if you go out, but you won't text him every half hour, as that isn't fair to you, and it isn't respectful. He's free to be insecure, but you will not act like you have given him REASON to be insecure. That's on him.

That said, surely you and your friends can do things that don't involve bars and alcohol?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

After having read your second post, I see your husband's point of view more. Sorry, but I think it's time you tone done the going out and focus on your family.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Can you really not see your H's concern. You and he met while you were still married, although you describe it as not "really" a marriage, it really was. So he knows he was able to get with you while married why would he think another man would not. Also, having spent some time in clubs and bars he probably knows what can go on there especially to an unescorted woman. And he is right not to trust other men as there seems to be an infiltration of men lacking character and honor especially at these locations. And all other influences aside, there is seldom any positive net gain when alcohol is introduced.
> 
> In any event, I offer my observations but I am biased to home life and quite evenings with those you care most about in the world.
> ...


I can see his concerns. And if it was just a concern I could deal with it. But this isn't just a concern, it becomes more then that when he is treating me like I've done something wrong when I haven't. First off, I'm not that lost woman in a loveless marriage anymore. I divorced my first husband, actually we got it annulled because we both wanted a church wedding. My first marriage was a courthouse thing. This was so real to me I insisted we do it right. Also, He is just as responsible for he and I being together when I was still married as me. In fact, before me he was briefly with another married woman having a fling. So because of that should I constantly think he will do it again and never let him live it down? Should I never let him out because he might do it again? No, we are not the same people we were over 12 years ago. We have grown, together. We have changed. And to me if he thinks that I am capable of ever doing something like that again with someone else I feel like I need to question everything we have been trying to create here between us. Last, this isn't just bars,( I don't go to "clubs") The last time we went away for a weekend it was on a trip with my cousins to a family cabin. He actually wanted me to go to bed with him at 11:00pm, and leave the game I was playing with my family, because he doesn't trust my cousins husband. I can't tell you why. There has never, ever been anything between us. I honest to god view him a my true cousin even though it's only by marriage. So why do I have to leave the party and go to bed early because he's tired? I was with family for Christ sake. My point? He doesn't need to trust other men, he doesn't need to trust they will do the right thing. He needs to trust me. Trust that I will do the right thing. If he can't give me that then what the hell is this marriage about? Thanks for your input. I really appreciate the different points of view.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> After having read your second post, I see your husband's point of view more. Sorry, but I think it's time you tone done the going out and focus on your family.


I honestly was a bit shocked to read this. I respect your pov. However, I feel like I need to make something clear. I'm not sure that telling me to focus more on my family is very fair. I am very focused on my family. I am a mother of 4, I run a daycare from my home during the day and then work part time outside of the home on nights and weekends. I'm not just some bored housewife. My family is my life. I am involved in the community and with my children's activities to the point of volunteering my time to be active in their lives. I provide a family meal every night and still manage to spend quality time with my husband. But I need "me" time. I need to let loose and blow off some steam and vent to my friends. I would love for that time out to include my husband and my friends and family. But he doesn't seam to get that.


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## missmybestfriend (Nov 7, 2015)

I agree . I too have insecurities and trust issues with my wife , my best friend . My insecurities over the last few yrs of our 18 yr relationship (16 yrs) marriage two wonderful kids,has caused us to split for two weeks. Shes never been unfaithful to me to my knowledge . I dont know why or how a man whos wife has been good to him can think bad things but certain actions dont help the problem. Sad thing is my wife didnt go out or nothing . Im away all the time cause of work . Alls i know is marriage is a work in progress it takes both people and lots of trust . I failed her& my kids . At this time im not sure if we can get past this cause ive over time ive hurt her heart and never realized i was . She warned me i heard her but i wasnt listening. Now im away from my home , kids, and my best friend. What little contact ive had from her the last few days ,she wont tell me she loves me back or look me in the eye. Shes put up an iron curtain. She says she dont know if she can forgive me.Im just continually praying for god to soften her heart and want to reconcile with me. Im lost and broken man . Its all my fault. But i do know how you have been affected by his insecurities cause i see know what ive done to her . But for the sake of ur family and the covenant you guys have be reasonable . Dont be a doormat but try to meet in the middle . Just dont give up on him. I sure wish i would of done better. Good luck and god bless


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> Then I would say to continue to live your life, keep him in the loop when you do things, and let him become a hermit if he wants to, just make it clear you will not become one, too. Tell him, in front of the counselor, that you are going to keep him in the loop, but you won't live like a hermit just to assuage his insecurity, and that you'll stay in contact if you go out, but you won't text him every half hour, as that isn't fair to you, and it isn't respectful. He's free to be insecure, but you will not act like you have given him REASON to be insecure. That's on him.
> 
> That said, surely you and your friends can do things that don't involve bars and alcohol?


The answer to your question is yes, of course we do other things. We do things with the kids and we have girls nights at home crafting and what not. I even try to plan things with other couples like inviting them over for the evening and it's pulling teeth to get my husband to be involved much less have a good time. I planned a weekend for he and I go see a concert with my cousins over the summer. He wasn't thrilled about the band but originally said he was happy I asked him to go with me. Then the time came to go and on the ride up there he was acting his usual pissy self making passive aggressive comments. I told him all I wanted was for us to just have some fun together. He made some ****ty comment about, "don't worry, I'll make sure YOU have a good time." Then said something to imply that he would put a smile on his face to get through this weekend and that no one would know he wasn't "feeling it" this weekend, No one would realize he didn't really want to be there so I wouldn't look bad. It's like he's always miserable. I just can't win. Like I am really going to have a good time knowing that he doesn't want to be there. It literally killed my mood and I felt like crap for the rest of the weekend. It sucks.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

luv2liv4them said:


> I honestly was a bit shocked to read this. I respect your pov. However, I feel like I need to make something clear. I'm not sure that telling me to focus more on my family is very fair. I am very focused on my family.


Then maybe focus on your family was not the right term for me to use, but I certainly feel that your "me" time should not involve bars or clubs or places where alcohol is the main product sold or places where men like to meet women, even if that is the furthest thing from your mind. That might help ease your husband's mind. Second, do lose the "untrustworthy" friend; not only because your husband asked you to, but because she can be a bad influence on you. 

Your second post came off with an incredible sense of entitlement to these girls nights out and a total disdain for your husband's feelings on this issue. Let me ask you a question: If you go out on one of these GNOs and all of a sudden you see your husband walk into the place you are at with your friends; how would you feel?

Personally, I wish you would invite him to join TAM so we can hear his reasoning for feeling the way he does. 

To be honest, as I eluded to in my first post, I would have a very big problem if my wife insisted on doing what you are doing. The difference between me and your husband is that he is being all passive aggressive about it, where I would just come out and say I don't want her to go, and be insistent on it.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

missmybestfriend said:


> I agree . I too have insecurities and trust issues with my wife , my best friend . My insecurities over the last few yrs of our 18 yr relationship (16 yrs) marriage two wonderful kids,has caused us to split for two weeks. Shes never been unfaithful to me to my knowledge . I dont know why or how a man whos wife has been good to him can think bad things but certain actions dont help the problem. Sad thing is my wife didnt go out or nothing . Im away all the time cause of work . Alls i know is marriage is a work in progress it takes both people and lots of trust . I failed her& my kids . At this time im not sure if we can get past this cause ive over time ive hurt her heart and never realized i was . She warned me i heard her but i wasnt listening. Now im away from my home , kids, and my best friend. What little contact ive had from her the last few days ,she wont tell me she loves me back or look me in the eye. Shes put up an iron curtain. She says she dont know if she can forgive me.Im just continually praying for god to soften her heart and want to reconcile with me. Im lost and broken man . Its all my fault. But i do know how you have been affected by his insecurities cause i see know what ive done to her . But for the sake of ur family and the covenant you guys have be reasonable . Dont be a doormat but try to meet in the middle . Just dont give up on him. I sure wish i would of done better. Good luck and god bless


Thank you for sharing. Your story has really pulled at my heart. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you understand where I coming from. And I truly love my husband and don't want to get to the horrible point it sounds like you are at. But I'm worried that if he can't get this under control we will eventually go there. It seems the more we go through this the more numb I get to his feelings. And the more hurt I get for his distrust. It is damaging. It's becoming like a broken record to me. A vicious cycle. I just want him to trust in my love and give me the space I sometimes need to get out and relax for a bit. Even if he doesn't want to come with me. I just want him to trust me. I am the only one he needs to be worried about. Anyone else's intention are irrelevant. I'm not some lonely housewife looking for trouble. My husband should know that. I'm just a woman that likes to go out with friends and go to occasional concerts. I just like to have fun. I really hope your wife sees the love you have for her. Have you tried counseling with her? I recommend it wholeheartedly. I will pray for you. Good luck to you as well.


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## missmybestfriend (Nov 7, 2015)

No ive not got to try counseling she really is so angry right now all i can do is give her space and see what unfolds . I want to repair this and us be a family again. Its really hard on all of us . When shes ready to talk i will do everything in my power to fix it. Im just losing hope.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> Then maybe focus on your family was not the right term for me to use, but I certainly feel that your "me" time should not involve bars or clubs or places where alcohol is the main product sold or places where men like to meet women, even if that is the furthest thing from your mind. That might help ease your husband's mind. Second, do lose the "untrustworthy" friend; not only because your husband asked you to, but because she can be a bad influence on you.
> 
> Your second post came off with an incredible sense of entitlement to these girls nights out and a total disdain for your husband's feelings on this issue. Let me ask you a question: If you go out on one of these GNOs and all of a sudden you see your husband walk into the place you are at with your friends; how would you feel?
> 
> ...


I do think that I deserve "me" time. And I really don't think it should matter if I'm out having drinks with my family or friends or if I'm at a concert. The whole point of "me" time is doing something I like to do. I work very hard so if occasionally I feel like I want to do it I should be able to make that choice. Just like I feel like my husband deserves "him" time to do what he enjoys. I should point out how he goes on hunting trips a couple times a year. He can be gone for up to 10 days at a time leaving me and the kids alone. Should a married man be away from his family for such a long time? Imagine how difficult it was for me to cope when I found out one of the woman he was texting and calling having sexual conversations with was someone from his hometown from high school; and that's where he goes for a week to hunt is his home town. But I sucked up my insecurities for the sake of working on my marriage and didn't say a word. I did not require a 2 hour check in. You see, I don't think it really matters where you are or what your doing. Drinking or not. If the desire to cheat is there it will happen. You could meet someone anywhere, sober; and still manage to start up something behind your spouses back if that's what you want to do. Going out and having drinks does not make you prone to cheating. If someone wants to cheat then they will cheat. You can call them every hour of the day but you won't be able to stop them. Staying out of bars will not change this mind set. And as I mentioned a few times before; it's not just going out drinking. I could be just having dinner. I've been questioned why I need to go to the store again because I was just there yesterday. Why am I leaving early to pick up the kid from sports? I have been questioned and he has doubted me no matter what the situation. I had to turn email alerts off my phone because ever time it beeped he was questioning. This extends way beyond the bar.

Also, I don't really believe in the whole "your friend is a bad influence" thing. Just for the simple fact that I am a grown woman. I know right from wrong. I know what I want and what I don't. I'm not a little girl in high school. I will never be influenced by someone to do something so stupid that I will destroy the marriage I have worked so hard to build. If a grown person can be so easily influenced to do wrong, they deep down want to do wrong. That's not me.

If my husband walked in on me while I was out at a GNO I would be a little pissed if it was only to check up on me. That would be pretty embarrassing and would leave me to explain my marriage to them. To be honest, I'm a pretty private person. Which is why I turned here and not to anyone else in my life. On the other hand, he would not be walking into anything that I would have to explain to him. Because I don't go out to "misbehave" for a lack of a better word. 

If I come off as not caring about my husbands feelings then there has been a great miscommunication. The reason I'm here seeking advice is because I care deeply for him. His feelings included. But I don't think I should have to always put my feelings and needs aside to compensate for his excessive insecurities. I have already greatly lessened my outings. I only really go out with that "untrustworthy" friend when its a event that concerns our kids. I stated that I keep it to dinners and not nights out drinking where she is concerned. But I would not really call her untrustworthy as she has been a good friend to me. And to my husband at one point until he decided to judge her based on her qualities as a wife and not as a friend. I just think that just because she didn't make it work with her husband and she made mistakes does not mean she isn't a good person, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be a friend. If I got rid of every person in my life because they made bad decisions with their significant others, I'd have no friends. And not to mention my husband. What about his mistakes? No one is perfect. Not her, not him, not me. No one.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

intheory said:


> If that cousin has ever made a pass at you; or told your husband how sexy he thinks you are; then I can understand your husband not wanting him around.
> 
> Even though you are 100% faithful. It's not about you. It's about you being around someone else who is skeevy.
> 
> Could that be possible?


 My cousins husband has never made a pass at me. And trust me when I tell you with as jealous as my husband gets if he ever did say something inappropriate it would come up. That would be his number one reason to keep me from hanging out with them.

It should be about me. Me and him, no one else. I'm his wife. It's me that chooses to remain faithful. His trust should be stronger in me then his distrust for others. Otherwise what's the point? I can just as easily get hit on at the grocery store then sitting at a table at a wine bar. I'm not frequenting dive bars. Were talking about sitting at Coopers Hawk or something. I'm not putting myself in questionable situations here.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@luv2liv4them OK, he's doing the wrong thing and you are all within your rights .... it's clear your mind is made up about that (although I would love to hear from him). What's your next move? Are you here to vent or just looking for confirmation? It appears that a view contrary to yours is not acceptable. Have you spoken to anyone who knows both of you who can be even minded?

By the way, when you have some time, read this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/300266-so-happened.html#post14084266


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> @luv2liv4them OK, he's doing the wrong thing and you are all within your rights .... it's clear your mind is made up about that (although I would love to hear from him). What's your next move? Are you here to vent or just looking for confirmation? It appears that a view contrary to yours is not acceptable. Have you spoken to anyone who knows both of you who can be even minded?
> 
> By the way, when you have some time, read this:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/300266-so-happened.html#post14084266


I have never said that I was perfect. I am far from perfect. I have made plenty of mistakes and this relationship is well. I can honestly say none of them come close to the severity of his. I'm a very loyal person. I have a big heart and a lot of love. which i think is how I've managed to stay in this marriage for so long. I have been considering showing him this thread. I'm not sure at this point if it will make any difference. just because I have a response to the questions and scenarios you throw at me doesn't mean that I'm completely opposed to any view that isn't mine. I'm simply sharing my story. I guess I am here to vent and I guess I am trying to look for confirmation. I'm also looking for advice from anyone who's been in this kind of situation with someone they love. Because I want to work this out and I want to be able to compromise. But how do you compromise with somebody who is this insecure? it really has been wearing me out. It physically wears me out. I just don't think it's too much to ask. I don't think it's too much to ask for my husband to trust me after everything we've been through. I don't think it's too much to ask for him to just let go and trust me. we have been working with a therapist for about 5 years or more. She sees my husband alone and then sees us as a couple. she has tried to help him through this insecurity. She has backed me up plenty of times and told him how excessive he could be with this. And things seem to get better for a little while and then it just all blows up. don't get me wrong, she has had no problem telling me when I'm wrong or out online as well. This is a Therapist of his choice. It's somebody who he trusts. I don't need validation. I've already gotten that. I just need to know how to deal with it now. Because it's becoming pretty apparent he is not going to change.

also I did check out that other thread. I'm not really sure why you wanted me to read it though. At first I thought that maybe you think that that's my husband? maybe there's more to my story I'm not telling you? If that's the case I can assure you that that is not my husband. That is not my life. if it's my opinion you want? I think that woman is just awful. what she did to her husband is unforgivable. And her friends are *******s for sitting back and letting somebody who was clearly drunk be so stupid and reckless. that scenario to me, that is a deal breaker. that would be the end of my marriage. and if that were my husband there would be no forgiveness. my marriage would be over. my heart breaks for that man.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@luv2liv4them The only reason I pointed that thread out to you is to show that any time one (male or female) goes out socially, without their spouse, there is a risk of something happening. No other reason.

If what you are saying about your husband is true, then yes, your husband has serious issues. But I strongly believe that going out socially without your spouse is not a good thing for a relationship. And I believe that with all my heart. If my wife were insistent on it, we might not be together today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are two things I tell people when they are having problems like this. One, read His Needs Her Needs. Learn what a healthy marriage looks like so you can judge yours against it. Knowledge is everything. 

Two, read up on boundaries and consequences. Healthy marriages have two people who each have their own boundaries and resulting consequences if the other person crosses the line. Once you each set up healthy boundaries, it will be easier for you to navigate problems like this. We can help you set them up.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You are a mother of 4. To be frank going out once a month to the bar while H sits at home just smacks of issues.

He's got insecurities and you are feeding right into them.

You two should be spending time together when not tending to the little ones. I'm sure they take up a lot of your time so what little is left is filled by going to the pub means there's a disconnect that should be remedied.


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## luv2liv4them (Nov 6, 2015)

So because he doesn't want to go i shouldn't be able to go? When my friends or family go out to celebrate a birthday or get together if he doesn't feel like it then i should just suck it up and play into his false insecurities and miss it. Why can't he ever suck it up and come out with me? Why do i need to change for him but not him for me? So if i no longer go out to spend time with my friends once every couple months, (this really isn't like a planned monthly thing, its sporadic.) Then should he have to give up his week away from home hunting trips? Should we not do anything unless its together? and if I just stop doing everything and never get to do anything how long before you think a little resentment start setting in? because that is exactly what happens in a relationship with no compromise. how long do I need to play into his insecurities before I am allowed to stand up for myself and put my feelings first.

And what about all the outher issues. Because if you read through everything you would know that this isn't just about going out occasionally and being treated like a cheating ***** when im not doing anything wrong. What about the constant questions about where why am i going to the store again this week, why is my phone going off again, why am i leaving so early, etc. What about his always confronting me because he thinks im "acting funny". Or when he just come straight out and tells me that for whatever reason he is feeling insecure. Like seriously he would just call me from work sometimes and started in on me about how insecure he is feeling. I would have to sit there and reassure him that I'm not doing anything wrong and that I love him. And we're talking about a grown man in his thirties. how would every time you're getting ready to go out you have to gear up for a fight. 
my friend recently ended an engagement and on the day that she was supposed to be married she planned a luau party instead since she had already bought everything. I was the maid of honor. Should I have not gone? My husband of course was invited but did not want to go. Should I have just told her no? that just seems ridiculous and extreme to me. And very not fair. 

Is there any women out here? Anyone that can relate to this? How this constantly wears on you. Living with someone who is constantly doubting you? and the toll that would take on your marriage? How do live the rest of your life with a man that will never trust you?

Im just getting tired of jumping through these hoops because it never seems to make a difference. And i just want to point out that there've been plenty of times I've been invited out somewhere and I said no because of his feelings. like lots and lots of times. I'm not just getting out and running out of the house at the drop of a hat to go out and party. I'm talking about planning something out with somebody because she lives in another state and going out and meeting up with her and getting all this bull**** for it. My closest cousin lives almost an hour away, my favorite cousin lives in another state. Out of my three best friends one is 10 minutes away, the other is a half hour away, and the other one is an hour away in another state. so I'm not just talking about running around town here with a group of people partying. I don't frequent any bar. I don't have a favorite bartender. It's not like that. I could plan something out a month in advance and I will get **** for going. weather be going out to a bar, going out to a restaurant for dinner and drinks, or even trying to go over to somebody's house to having a little get together a party. It doesn't matter. He almost always won't want to come. But he will always give me **** for going.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Woman here. I spent the first 20 years of my life giving up my friends and family just to keep my husband from grilling me like yours does. I completely lost myself. My first therapist at 15 years of marriage tried to get me to just say I was going to go to the mall on a Saturday by myself. But I couldn't. I was too afraid of his reaction. By 25 years, the second therapist had me doing real exercises to break free of that fear. He doesn't like it? Too bad. That's HIS choice to get bent out of shape for me doing what normal people do - go out to dinner with friends, go to the mall.

It took me many many years to overcome my self-imposed servitude. Don't be like me. Tell him he's free to worry, but you will not be ruled. And neither will you do things that give him CAUSE to worry.

What's going to happen is he will either learn to be more social so as to spend time with you, or you will end up having your OWN life aside from your time with him. Or you'll get fed up if he doesn't get with the program and divorce him.


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## missmybestfriend (Nov 7, 2015)

I just have some questions to ask pertaining to this subject . My wife wanted space two weeks ago. Ive been staying away except anything to do with kids. She told me she needed alone time just by herself . To think. Told her sister same thing.So i offered to keep kids to give her that oppurtunity. Ive hurt her emotionally bad ive never been unfaithful to her . Just same issues in this topic i have. Im trying my best to grant her what she needs. So she left me the kids and went wherever ive had no contact with her all weekend . The other day i stopped by she was at work and kids at school just to do some laundry and pick house up for her. I noticed she had left my new ins cards on bar so i could put them in my wallet i guess. My ins is paid through her job. Shes not asked me to get my belongings or anything or said to my face move on. I met her to get kids and we stayed at our house me and kids. She had bought some groceries for us and bought my favorite cookies. The thing is when ive tried to talk to her she wont make eye contact and hangs her head. Im upset and emptional at times so is she . She also wont tell me she loves me back. I just cant shut my mind off. What does all this mean . Does she want to work this out. Im losing hope.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should start your own thread.


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## missmybestfriend (Nov 7, 2015)

Sorry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

luv2liv4them said:


> So because he doesn't want to go i shouldn't be able to go? When my friends or family go out to celebrate a birthday or get together if he doesn't feel like it then i should just suck it up and play into his false insecurities and miss it.


If your family is celebrating a birthday or having a get together, you go whether he wants to go or not. There is nothing at all wrong with you going to family functions.. unless your family is into drunken orgies 




luv2liv4them said:


> Why can't he ever suck it up and come out with me? Why do i need to change for him but not him for me? So if i no longer go out to spend time with my friends once every couple months, (this really isn't like a planned monthly thing, its sporadic.)
> It would be good if your husband would socialize with you on these occasions. It’s his doing if he refuses to go. You should also be able to go out with your friends a few times a year. There is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with you going out and having one or two drinks while with friends.
> 
> 
> ...


Your husband is using his jealousy as a way to isolate you from the world. He’s trying to cut you off from any outside support you have. Once he’s accomplished that level of control, the next step is for him to increase the emotional abuse. What he’s doing right now is emotional abuse. It will only get worse if you give in. It might get worse if you do not give in. Either way you are in a bad relationship. I’m sorry but you are.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

luv2liv4them said:


> So because he doesn't want to go i shouldn't be able to go? When my friends or family go out to celebrate a birthday or get together if he doesn't feel like it then i should just suck it up and play into his false insecurities and miss it. Why can't he ever suck it up and come out with me? Why do i need to change for him but not him for me? So if i no longer go out to spend time with my friends once every couple months, (this really isn't like a planned monthly thing, its sporadic.) Then should he have to give up his week away from home hunting trips? Should we not do anything unless its together? and if I just stop doing everything and never get to do anything how long before you think a little resentment start setting in? because that is exactly what happens in a relationship with no compromise. how long do I need to play into his insecurities before I am allowed to stand up for myself and put my feelings first.
> 
> And what about all the outher issues. Because if you read through everything you would know that this isn't just about going out occasionally and being treated like a cheating ***** when im not doing anything wrong. What about the constant questions about where why am i going to the store again this week, why is my phone going off again, why am i leaving so early, etc. What about his always confronting me because he thinks im "acting funny". Or when he just come straight out and tells me that for whatever reason he is feeling insecure. Like seriously he would just call me from work sometimes and started in on me about how insecure he is feeling. I would have to sit there and reassure him that I'm not doing anything wrong and that I love him. And we're talking about a grown man in his thirties. how would every time you're getting ready to go out you have to gear up for a fight.
> my friend recently ended an engagement and on the day that she was supposed to be married she planned a luau party instead since she had already bought everything. I was the maid of honor. Should I have not gone? My husband of course was invited but did not want to go. Should I have just told her no? that just seems ridiculous and extreme to me. And very not fair.
> ...


Is he a hermit at home? Why does he not want to go to things that normal couple would do together?

Obviously he's over the top but do you two do anything together on a routine basis? Are you a social person and he's not?

I'm trying to figure out why he's so insecure. Something has to be in his head. Until you figure that out you'll get nowhere.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You know the old saying "If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you". You met your current husband when you were married so you cheated on your first husband. He is probably worried you are going to cheat on him. As a married Mom I would never go to a bar with a friend until the late hours. I meet friends for coffee or lunch. You would solve your problem if that's what you did.


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