# Considering divorce to someone you still love...



## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Sorry in advance for the long read.... Hubs and are are both in 2nd marriages with no previous children. We have 2 boys together (5 & 8) and have been married for 10 years. When I met the hubs he was active in the military and since he retired, he’s never been the same. Through the years i’ve 100% supported him financially. He’s tried college twice and dropped out. I’ve even paid for day care when my kids were small because he also was too overwhelmed with caring for them while I worked. I’ve tried to be sensitive to how difficult it is to separate from the military, he tried counseling about 3 years ago when I had enough with his serious bouts of depression. It got better, and then got really bad again. Memorial Day of 2018 we separated. After giving him lots of chances and advance warning I told him i’d Tried and suggested everything and he needed to get help. We did marriage counseling, he got a JOB and after 7 months of separation, I allowed him back in January of 2019. Well, he quit his job in March. It was too stressful and the hours were crazy (they were) but he promised me he’d drive Uber and get counseling and get his medications adjusted. Fast forward .... we just got back from a great 2 week vacation and he is back into a deep depressive state because he just cannot cope with reality. I love him - but I dont know what else I can try. I have a great job and make really good money - and i’m Very fortunate we don’t need a 2nd income. I never imagined that I’d be with someone who is so unproductive and unable to put one foot in front of the other and just function. On top of it - he takes it out on the kids for the slightest thing and I don’t know if there is anything else out there I can or should try. 

I feel like there isn’t anything left to say or try... I plan on calling a divorce attorney to educate myself on the mechanics of the situation. Have any of you been in a situation similar? I still love him and always will... but I can’t hold him up and the kids and everything else anymore. 

I really worry about what will become of him. I worry about the kids and what they will think... my family was not happy that I took him back to begin with but I was (and still am) really trying hard to do the right thing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hey TXT,

again i am sorry you find yourself here in this circumstance, i have a couple more questions if you will allow me....is his depression related to his time in the military or had he have a history of depression or anxiety? Does he have a drinking problem as well? how did his first marriage end? when he retired from the military did he do so because he was eligible to retire or was there a problem there? and lastly if you did divorce him, would he be able to support himself?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Is he receiving a pension?

I feel for you and trust you will do the best for your children and yourself. He needs medication and if he will not take it, what can you do?

He sounds like a broken man.

I am so sorry for your situation.

If you move on and divorce him, most in the know will not blame you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he do any of the things he promised after you let him move back? Does he have mental health issues in general or from his time in the military? Is his retirement pay enough for you to consider that as his financial contribution (since it sounds like mental health issues could be making holding a job a problem) since you said you can support the family)? Or is it a dealbreaker if he doesn't work and is instead a full-time SAHD (assuming he willingly takes on the role of running the household and taking care of the kids)? Yes, people do divorce all the time while still in love with their spouse. Love, unfortunately, doesn't solve all problems and sometimes you end up walking away when you wish you didn't have to.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Hey TXT,
> 
> again i am sorry you find yourself here in this circumstance, i have a couple more questions if you will allow me....is his depression related to his time in the military or had he have a history of depression or anxiety? Does he have a drinking problem as well? how did his first marriage end? when he retired from the military did he do so because he was eligible to retire or was there a problem there? and lastly if you did divorce him, would he be able to support himself?


Great questions. We don’t know the root cause of his depression. He never stays in counseling long enough to explore that. He has family history of it from both of his parents. He does not have a drinking problem... when we met I had NO idea that he had any of this family history and he showed no signs of depression. IN the military he was in the coast guard and loved it. He doesnt draw a pension but will have full retirement benefits kick in when he turns 65. He deferred it because he finished his last 4 years as a reservist to finish his 20. If I divorced him he’d be able to minimally support himself if he were to get some sort of job. He isnt a big spender... i’d Give him the car I bought him.... I wouldnt ask him for child support - I dont need it. I dont want his retirement either.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Did he do any of the things he promised after you let him move back? Does he have mental health issues in general or from his time in the military? Is his retirement pay enough for you to consider that as his financial contribution (since it sounds like mental health issues could be making holding a job a problem) since you said you can support the family)? Or is it a dealbreaker if he doesn't work and is instead a full-time SAHD (assuming he willingly takes on the role of running the household and taking care of the kids)? Yes, people do divorce all the time while still in love with their spouse. Love, unfortunately, doesn't solve all problems and sometimes you end up walking away when you wish you didn't have to.


When I let him back in, he was still working at the job he’d gotten during our separation. He quit a few months after I took him back. I’d be 100% fine with him being a stay at home Dad. I’ve told him this, but as we all know, that’s really a JOB! I dont want to have to wonder what’s been accomplished while the kids are at school all day other than maybe 1-2 chores max. And that’s on a GOOD day. I work from home a lot when I’m not on the road traveling and it’s very very very little initiative....


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Did he do any of the things he promised after you let him move back? Does he have mental health issues in general or from his time in the military? Is his retirement pay enough for you to consider that as his financial contribution (since it sounds like mental health issues could be making holding a job a problem) since you said you can support the family)? Or is it a dealbreaker if he doesn't work and is instead a full-time SAHD (assuming he willingly takes on the role of running the household and taking care of the kids)? Yes, people do divorce all the time while still in love with their spouse. Love, unfortunately, doesn't solve all problems and sometimes you end up walking away when you wish you didn't have to.


Hmm... tried to reply to this but was sent to a moderator,,, if it doesn’t come through will try again.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay thanks for answer those questions....when you note that he gives up on therapy before any real effort can begin....when he gives up going what is his excuse? when he is not working what does he do all day if he is not watching the kids? are you concern leaving the kids in his care? i am the asking the last question because of your first comment.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Did he do any of the things he promised after you let him move back? Does he have mental health issues in general or from his time in the military? Is his retirement pay enough for you to consider that as his financial contribution (since it sounds like mental health issues could be making holding a job a problem) since you said you can support the family)? Or is it a dealbreaker if he doesn't work and is instead a full-time SAHD (assuming he willingly takes on the role of running the household and taking care of the kids)? Yes, people do divorce all the time while still in love with their spouse. Love, unfortunately, doesn't solve all problems and sometimes you end up walking away when you wish you didn't have to.


I’ve had this discussion with him lots. I’m totally open to him being a stay at home dad. The problem is he really struggles with that. Staying at home with the kids is not for him and he’s admitted as much. I trust him with the kids in the way that i know he loves them and would never physically harm them at all. It’s more that its hard to parent when you’re all depressed and that’s when I feel it’s not fair to the kids, and when I step in to ensure they’re having their emotional needs met. He was actually way more plugged in as a dad when we were separated and I suspect its because he didn’t have to ‘DAD” 24/7.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> okay thanks for answer those questions....when you note that he gives up on therapy before any real effort can begin....when he gives up going what is his excuse? when he is not working what does he do all day if he is not watching the kids? are you concern leaving the kids in his care? i am the asking the last question because of your first comment.


He doesnt offer an excuse. It’s a fizzle.... like the minute the first scheduling conflict comes up with a therapist he ‘needs to schedule the next apt’ and just never picks it back up. What does he do all day? He does the grocery shopping. He loves running errands.... he also does the laundry and i’d say about 50% of the dinners, sometimes more if my work schedule is hectic. He also pays the bills. No deep cleaning, no floors, no tidying/picking up... bathrooms etc. It either goes undone or I have to do it or get after him to do it. I refuse to get a housekeeper. Plants are dead cause he can’t think to water them. Landscaping is done for us through our HOA...so no yard work etc.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Based on what you have said or done he doesn’t seem to want to face his demons so couple therapy would not help here...Have you sat down with him and outline the fact that you do not see this marriage continuing?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Hey TXT,
> 
> again i am sorry you find yourself here in this circumstance, i have a couple more questions if you will allow me....is his depression related to his time in the military or had he have a history of depression or anxiety? Does he have a drinking problem as well? how did his first marriage end? when he retired from the military did he do so because he was eligible to retire or was there a problem there? and lastly if you did divorce him, would he be able to support himself?


Good questions.... except for the last one. That's irrelevant
.. she has no responsibility or moral obligation for the upkeep of a grown man; in fact, it's something she shouldn't worry about or more impressive to the topic of the thread, play any part in her decision process.

If it helps any, if he's retired military, he has a pension which will provide at least a subsistence level of income.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Based on what you have said or done he doesn’t seem to want to face his demons so couple therapy would not help here...Have you sat down with him and outline the fact that you do not see this marriage continuing?


I have several times, but not since I took him back. I know that’s next, but I’m avoiding what will come after that which is all the I’m sorry and same cycles as before


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Good questions.... except for the last one. That's irrelevant
> .. she has no responsibility or moral obligation for the upkeep of a grown man; in fact, it's something she shouldn't worry about or more impressive to the topic of the thread, play any part in her decision process.
> 
> If it helps any, if he's retired military, he has a pension which will provide at least a subsistence level of income.


Just for clarity, his pension doesn’t kick in until he turns 65 but at least it will be there for him along with medical


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> Just for clarity, his pension doesn’t kick in until he turns 65 but at least it will be there for him along with medical


Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like he was Guard or Reserve, not full time active duty. Nevertheless, I stand by the original statement; you have no obligation to his continued financial wee being, so that shouldn't be one of your decision criteria.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like he was Guard or Reserve, not full time active duty. Nevertheless, I stand by the original statement; you have no obligation to his continued financial wee being, so that shouldn't be one of your decision criteria.


16 yrs active and 4 reserve and you’re right


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> 16 yrs active and 4 reserve and you’re right


Interesting. Why go reserve after 16 years active? You're only 4 years away from a full pension you can collect immediately rather than having to wait until age 65. Was he forced out or was this a choice?


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Interesting. Why go reserve after 16 years active? You're only 4 years away from a full pension you can collect immediately rather than having to wait until age 65. Was he forced out or was this a choice?


It was a choice. He was stationed in California and I was in Texas and he was getting disillusioned with the Coast guard. He moved to tx and joined the Air Force reserves. Spent most of the four years as active reserve.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Good questions.... except for the last one. That's irrelevant
> .. she has no responsibility or moral obligation for the upkeep of a grown man; in fact, it's something she shouldn't worry about or more impressive to the topic of the thread, play any part in her decision process.
> 
> If it helps any, if he's retired military, he has a pension which will provide at least a subsistence level of income.


the reason why i asked that question is that i was concern that if he did not have a steady job she would have been impacted with some sort of spousal support.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

TXTraveller said:


> I have several times, but not since I took him back. I know that’s next, but I’m avoiding what will come after that which is all the I’m sorry and same cycles as before


So it sounds like this is your next course of action but before you do sit down with him, I would have my ducks in a row 
1. Met with the lawyer
2. fill out the divorce paper forms
3. have specific examples of where this marriage has broken down so he understands where he failed
4. I woudl also speak with your family (probably after this) because they may see this as yet again the boy crying wolf. you CAN NOT be the yo-yo...there is no turning back again...you must be clear about moving forward
5. The kids may need a therapy as well as you
6. you must be ready to take on the responsibilities that he has done up to now in the house
7. you both have to agree on a date for him to move out...here again with his track record he may not pass background checks (financially) in finding an apartment, you may need to help here as well. 

I would keep a log book of everything you have done and will do...this will also come in handy for the courts. 

your thoughts?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> It was a choice. He was stationed in California and I was in Texas and he was getting disillusioned with the Coast guard. He moved to tx and joined the Air Force reserves. Spent most of the four years as active reserve.


I'm sure you already know this, but that was a horrible decision. 4 years from a full _and immediate_ pension! Nobody walks away at the 16 year point. It seems like that was the start of this whole lack of responsibility thing he's got going on.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So it sounds like this is your next course of action but before you do sit down with him, I would have my ducks in a row
> 1. Met with the lawyer
> 2. fill out the divorce paper forms
> 3. have specific examples of where this marriage has broken down so he understands where he failed
> ...


Great feedback. I really appreciate it. I’m going to be calling an atty today as a first step to start to get my ducks in a row. During the separation I paid for his apartment, i can definitely make a record of all that. I havent said anything to anyone this time about the sad decision of moving towards divorce because of exactly what you mention - the yo yo effect of going back and forth. I’m tired of that and really want to move forward ... i also want to seek out the appropriate advice on what to tell the kids and how to tell the kids. 




Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'm sure you already know this, but that was a horrible decision. 4 years from a full _and immediate_ pension! Nobody walks away at the 16 year point. It seems like that was the start of this whole lack of responsibility thing he's got going on.


Yes, in hindsight probably so. I viewed it more as a way for us to be together and never in a million years imagined that he wouldnt have transitioned into a 2nd career. Also, the immediate pension he would have gotten after his full 20 was maybe 12k a year...as opposed to it being greater by having it deferred until he was older.... or so that’s what I was told.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when speaking with the kids i would hold off until everything is under way...then if possible do it together, and get your stories together...stick with ducks and bunnies


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> Also, the immediate pension he would have gotten after his full 20 was maybe 12k a year...as opposed to it being greater by having it deferred until he was older.... or so that’s what I was told.


That seems awful low. Do you mind sharing what grade he was in when he separated from active duty?


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

He was an E-6 or 7. Not a single blemish on his service record... he just wasn’t ambitious. 

Calling the atty today for an apt... nervous and sad


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TXTraveller said:


> He was an E-6 or 7. Not a single blemish on his service record... he just wasn’t ambitious.
> 
> Calling the atty today for an apt... nervous and sad


Thanks,
You didn't say when exactly your husband retired. To work with the lowest numbers, I looked at the military pay charts for 2010. 

Retirement pay at 20 years is 50% of the average base pay for the last three years... for an E-6 retiring right at 20, that would be $3,485, so retirement pay would be $1,742.50/month or $20,910/year (E-7 is a good chunk higher than that). Retirement pay also comes with annual cost of living adjustments, so the current retirement pay would be higher. 

That's a big difference from the $12K/year you were told. Even with taxes, take home at that income level is going to be much higher than $12K. 

It sounds like he was fudging numbers to help justify his decision to bolt just 4 years out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TXTraveller said:


> It was a choice. He was stationed in California and I was in Texas and he was getting disillusioned with the Coast guard. He moved to tx and joined the Air Force reserves. Spent most of the four years as active reserve.


Active reserves (AGR) get time towards an active retirement.

I am not saying that to pick nits with you, but rather to scratch my head as to why the hell he bailed on a second opportunity for an active military pension and medical...which would have started the day of retirement.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Thanks,
> You didn't say when exactly your husband retired. To work with the lowest numbers, I looked at the military pay charts for 2010.
> 
> Retirement pay at 20 years is 50% of the average base pay for the last three years... for an E-6 retiring right at 20, that would be $3,485, so retirement pay would be $1,742.50/month or $20,910/year (E-7 is a good chunk higher than that). Retirement pay also comes with annual cost of living adjustments, so the current retirement pay would be higher.
> ...


Unless he took the redux at 15 years of service, which would have reduced that to 40% in exchange for a $20,000 'bonus'.

But that would have also impacted his ability to get out at 16. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Unless he took the redux at 15 years of service, which would have reduced that to 40% in exchange for a $20,000 'bonus'.
> 
> But that would have also impacted his ability to get out at 16.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Right. I thought about the possibility of Redux here. It didn't seem to be likely since he bailed at 16 which would require a payback... but maybe there's some sort of provision for recapturing that via the transfer to guard/reserve? That's beyond my current knowledge level.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I just finished reading all the BS you are willing to put up with in marriage. I'd like to sign up to be your husband as soon as your divorce is final.

I'll go check with my wife now to see if that's ok........


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> I just finished reading all the BS you are willing to put up with in marriage. I'd like to sign up to be your husband as soon as your divorce is final.
> 
> I'll go check with my wife now to see if that's ok........


OK this made me laugh when I really really needed a laugh. I went through this anger/resentment when we separated. We’re financially comfortable, we vacation 2x a year traveling the world, we have no debt other than our mortgage... cars are paid off.... I know it’s this illness that doesnt allow him to appreciate the life he has. It’s really really sad. I mean don’t get me wrong... I’m not rich at all! I’ve just busted my rear my entire life to get to where I am. And I’m not a total troll to look at and I’ve a naturally sunny attitude with no baggage. So why have I allowed the bar to be set so freaking low? I know one thing... NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not going to want to let go so expect lots more promises like the last time. You got played then but this time you're more aware. Hold to it unless you want another repeat of that.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

You’re right. It’s almost a blessing from the universe that he lapsed into this strong depressive state this week. It was like a cast iron pan hitting me on the head that nothing had changed, we were right back to where he promised we’d NOT be again. Finally called the attorney and have a 1st consult tomorrow morning. Gulp.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TXTraveller said:


> You’re right. It’s almost a blessing from the universe that he lapsed into this strong depressive state this week. It was like a cast iron pan hitting me on the head that nothing had changed, we were right back to where he promised we’d NOT be again. Finally called the attorney and have a 1st consult tomorrow morning. Gulp.


Listen, you should feel neither gleeful of overly sad about all of this. I have lived this. 

Now in my life I understand that you CANNOT FIX other people. You just cannot. I tried, failed and moved on. 

You did what you could, you tried, so don't feel bad or let him make you feel guilty. And you know the whole process will make you sad, it just does when you dissolve a marriage. So just know that and just move on with your life, and try not to be stupid. You will know what that means in a year or so...


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Listen, you should feel neither gleeful of overly sad about all of this. I have lived this.
> 
> Now in my life I understand that you CANNOT FIX other people. You just cannot. I tried, failed and moved on.
> 
> You did what you could, you tried, so don't feel bad or let him make you feel guilty. And you know the whole process will make you sad, it just does when you dissolve a marriage. So just know that and just move on with your life, and try not to be stupid. You will know what that means in a year or so...


Truth. Will the attorney advise me on when to break the news to him? Not sure what to expect there....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TXTraveller said:


> Great questions. We don’t know the root cause of his depression. He never stays in counseling long enough to explore that. He has family history of it from both of his parents. He does not have a drinking problem... when we met I had NO idea that he had any of this family history and he showed no signs of depression. IN the military he was in the coast guard and loved it. He doesnt draw a pension but will have full retirement benefits kick in when he turns 65. He deferred it because he finished his last 4 years as a reservist to finish his 20. If I divorced him he’d be able to minimally support himself if he were to get some sort of job. He isnt a big spender... i’d Give him the car I bought him.... I wouldnt ask him for child support - I dont need it. I dont want his retirement either.


I believe he gets his pension at age 60, not 65.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Yes, correct it’s 60. 

Well, late afternoon he brought up that his sister had told his mother that he was back in a depressive state. She was visiting with us for a week. 

I told him that I can’t keep living like this. He told me that he had stopped taking his meds for 3 weeks, and to not be angry with him that he’s taking his meds again and that he is trying - and what if he is like this for the rest of his life... that he doesnt want to be like this. 

It was an unresolved sort of conversation because i was just MAD that he had gotten off of his meds. I told him that I can’t keep going through this cycle and he made promises to me that he hasn’t been able to keep and how am I supposed to feel hopeful anymore because he does 1 thing that he shouldn’t have stopped doing in the first place. 

yest and today he’s been trying to be mr. productive and mr. good mood.... i find that I can’t keep being empathetic anymore and that in turn makes me feel guilty.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TXTraveller said:


> Well, late afternoon he brought up that his sister had told his mother that he was back in a depressive state. She was visiting with us for a week.
> 
> I told him that I can’t keep living like this. He told me that he had stopped taking his meds for 3 weeks, and to not be angry with him that he’s taking his meds again and that he is trying - and what if he is like this for the rest of his life... that he doesnt want to be like this.
> 
> ...


Yes and this is your codependence that a part of you is still trying to fix him. Been there done that too. 

Let me relate a story to you that may show the futility of what you have been doing and that a part of you still wants to do. 

My Ex W was much worse than your H. One day my youngest son said to me, "Wow today was a good day, mom did not do anything too crazy". To which I said, " hey, you know what, you are right." 

Then, later I realized how stupid it was, not only the situation, but what I had said to my son. 

So I said, "Son, how crazy is it that we judge our day on whether or not your mom did anything crazy or not". 

Pretty much at that point I realized that I was done, I could not subject even my young adult kids to this anymore. And I realized that I was not going to put up with the insanity any longer.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Yes and this is your codependence that a part of you is still trying to fix him. Been there done that too.
> 
> Let me relate a story to you that may show the futility of what you have been doing and that a part of you still wants to do.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing that. You’re right. My kids are younger and lightly have noticed when daddy is ‘grumpy’. I know I don’t want that for them. How nice would it be to have a crystal ball to predict how the kids will absorb this ....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TXTraveller said:


> Thank you for sharing that. You’re right. My kids are younger and lightly have noticed when daddy is ‘grumpy’. I know I don’t want that for them. How nice would it be to have a crystal ball to predict how the kids will absorb this ....


Here is the thing about that as well. Sorry to keep on keeping on about this. I am just hoping that you don't make all the mistakes that I did. 

My children have seen my Ex actually go insane, attack me many times, been aware of all of her drug abuse and mental illness. They has seen it all, even though I tried to shield them from it. 

It did not work, they always saw more than I wanted them to, and when it got super bad, I just did not care on one level. 

But you will never, ever, ever, know how they will react to a divorce, or split. NEVER. All you can do I make your best decision, and be the best parent you can be. That is it. 

FWIW, they kind of rallied to their mother after the divorce for a few months, and it hurt. 

I know why they did it, they knew I was going to be ok but they were worried for her, really worried. 

Eventually they realized what they were doing and they made amends. I was cool with most of it, I told them what I thought about what I thought. 

But even thought they saw so much, and even knowing what was going on, they still did not understand everything or they, even though they were adults, part of their understanding was as a child. 

Eventually they had a better understanding, but it took a lot of patience on my part. 

All you can do is what is best for you and your kids, and being around a sick parent is not usually the best thing. 

The other thing to realize is that you staying with him, enables him in his sickness. He knows you are there, so he can go off his meds for 3 weeks like a moron, and be irresponsible, because you are there to help. 

When you are not, he will have to sink or swim alone. And he may sink, or he may, for the first time in his life, get his **** together... Either way it is not your fault or problem...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He senses that you're tired of dealing with his broken promises so he's pulling out all the stops to keep you. You'll have to be strong if you don't want to stay caught up in this.


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## TXTraveller (Sep 23, 2019)

Openminded said:


> He senses that you're tired of dealing with his broken promises so he's pulling out all the stops to keep you. You'll have to be strong if you don't want to stay caught up in this.


This. so much this. Today it’s been mr. productive busy bee... he even went to the gym. Why do i feel guilty that I feel NOTHING about these gestures anymore? On one hand I think that in and of itself is giving me a clear message that I dont have romantic feelings anymore towards him as I feel betrayed and deceived by his repeated promises. On the other hand... is the whole death to us part guilt that is no joke. 

I feel like i’m Back to square one with looking for a good atty - but will resume the search again Monday.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

TXTraveller said:


> This. so much this. Today it’s been mr. productive busy bee... he even went to the gym. Why do i feel guilty that I feel NOTHING about these gestures anymore? On one hand I think that in and of itself is giving me a clear message that I dont have romantic feelings anymore towards him as I feel betrayed and deceived by his repeated promises. On the other hand... is the whole death to us part guilt that is no joke.
> 
> I feel like i’m Back to square one with looking for a good atty - but will resume the search again Monday.


Its human nature to always try to see the good things in people, and when they are people that we care about we are often willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Its this repeated cycle of promises broken and not being reliable that is heartbreaking. Its hard to love someone that repeatedly uses you or takes advantage of your good will. 

At the end of the day this is his issue. You won't come out of this without feeling some responsibility/guilt. I'd say that's just normal.
But at the end of the day, his actions (or lack of them) that has to be his proof. and you are simply too jaded by experience to know that this will not last.
And its ok to be tired of it and want to not feel this way anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TXTraveller said:


> Sorry in advance for the long read.... Hubs and are are both in 2nd marriages with no previous children. We have 2 boys together (5 & 8) and have been married for 10 years. When I met the hubs he was active in the military and since he retired, he’s never been the same. Through the years i’ve 100% supported him financially. He’s tried college twice and dropped out. I’ve even paid for day care when my kids were small because he also was too overwhelmed with caring for them while I worked. I’ve tried to be sensitive to how difficult it is to separate from the military, he tried counseling about 3 years ago when I had enough with his serious bouts of depression. It got better, and then got really bad again. Memorial Day of 2018 we separated. After giving him lots of chances and advance warning I told him i’d Tried and suggested everything and he needed to get help. We did marriage counseling, he got a JOB and after 7 months of separation, I allowed him back in January of 2019. Well, he quit his job in March. It was too stressful and the hours were crazy (they were) but he promised me he’d drive Uber and get counseling and get his medications adjusted. Fast forward .... we just got back from a great 2 week vacation and he is back into a deep depressive state because he just cannot cope with reality. I love him - but I dont know what else I can try. I have a great job and make really good money - and i’m Very fortunate we don’t need a 2nd income. I never imagined that I’d be with someone who is so unproductive and unable to put one foot in front of the other and just function. On top of it - he takes it out on the kids for the slightest thing and I don’t know if there is anything else out there I can or should try.
> 
> I feel like there isn’t anything left to say or try... I plan on calling a divorce attorney to educate myself on the mechanics of the situation. Have any of you been in a situation similar? I still love him and always will... but I can’t hold him up and the kids and everything else anymore.
> 
> I really worry about what will become of him. I worry about the kids and what they will think... my family was not happy that I took him back to begin with but I was (and still am) really trying hard to do the right thing.


I am presuming you are in the USA. Could he have in patient treatment via the VA hospital system?

It's possible he has PTSD, plus depression.


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