# How to approach the "we need to talk" thing



## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I've heard that it sends chills down a bloke's spine when his woman says "Honey...we need to talk". 

So what's the best way to approach the situation, that's not going to send him in to a cold sweat, when you need to talk to your man about something serious?

And....

Is it best to wait for a quiet time then just bring it up...or...to arrange a time in the near future for "the talk" to happen?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

We had one of those last night.

It does send chills.

I would suggest using humor. It's a great palliative.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

Yes humour always works and hit him straight between the eyes about an hour before you go to bed. Don't wait, and don't be afraid.

If he doesn't want to discuss whatever it is, then maybe you should just tell him 'It's over' and move on, that may grab his attention.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

mrnice said:


> Yes humour always works and hit him straight between the eyes about an hour before you go to bed. Don't wait, and don't be afraid.
> 
> If he doesn't want to discuss whatever it is, then maybe you should just tell him 'It's over' and move on, that may grab his attention.


An hour before bed would not be a good plan with my H.
At that point he's tired and will need sleep soon.
I say "Is now a good time?" 
if it's not, I ask him "when would be better?" and he lets me know "later today" or "tomorrow night" or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Simply ask "do want chilles down your spine?" then if he says no ask when does he want chilles down his spine and let him know you need to talk.

When is it ever a good time to her bad news?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

A low stress time not on the way out the door to work. When there is plenty of time. But talk don't bottle it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I wouldn't try to schedule it ahead of time. If he's really clued into what's going on, that just gives his imagination too much time to dream up a lot of worst case scenarios.

I've always preferred to have the band-aid pulled off quickly...


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Thanks everyone! I kind of already knew the answers I'd get while I was mulling over the question....it's just good to get feedback from other people to verify that I'm on the right track (which I now believe I am after reading the above).


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

The perfect opportunity to talk came up today....all organic and on it's own (so much easier to handle when it's not something orchestrated - for me anyhow). 

I'm glad that I made myself do a little digging earlier in the week. It was something I really felt uncomfortable doing at the time, invasion of privacy and all that....but without that information I would have been gaslighted and very likely left wondering if "it" really was me being paranoid. With what I know for sure though, I know it's not me and his gaslighting didn't work this time.

I didn't react to the lies or the fogging - to be honest, I was kind of lost for words at the time because I just couldn't believe that he could lie so easily while looking me straight in the eye. 

I'm kind of sad right now because none of this needed to be this way. The things he's lying about would not have been an issue for me if he had simply told me early in our relationship (or any of the other times over the years) when the topics were brought up. 

And they are still not an issue....it's about the continuing dishonesty and then all times of trying (and succeeding) to make me feel bad for wanting to know the truth about something I have the right to know about, that hurts. 

I understand that sometimes people can be economic with the truth early in a relationship if they are unsure of the reaction/response they will recieve. But we've been together over four years (living together for 11 months)....he should know me well enough by now to know it's safe to confide in me....surely?

I have no idea what I'm going to do - I've never been able to live with the duality of dishonesty, it does my head in. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead with my daughter returning home from Europe and my eldest son getting married. I think I'll just focus on them before I make any firm decisions and simply allow the situation between the man and I to flow to where ever it's going to flow to until I can think more clearly.

Mannnn....I hate all this kind of [email protected]!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dealing with a screwed up marriage is like dealing with PTSD. For example if your spouse just got back from Anbar Province, would you make them stand there while you rattled off a list of chores one after the other and every time they nodded and started to move away you called them back and added another chore?

Not if you didn't want the cops at your house, you wouldn't. Setting is everything. Keep things calm. Don't squeeze it in between two urgent things. Don't do it when you're both trapped in a small space like a car, or out in public. 

Use your head.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Use your head.


Always do.

Feel through the heart - act from the head


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I usually go with something like this:

"I'd like to hash something out with you. It's not urgent. Let me know when you have time"

Usually he decides right then is good. Probably because he'd forget to let me know once he's ready.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I do use the "Honey I need to talk line." but after 22 years he knows that I usually have one subject to talk about and we won't spend more then 10 minutes talking about it. 

I learned a long time ago not to hash and rehash details with my husband. Better to have those conversations with the girlfriends. It is stressful to men to go over and over the same thing. But we women love it, don't we?

He needs to know what the problem is, and he wants to resolve it. 

Usually when I know what the problem is I just ask him casually whenever we have 10 minutes together. If it's a complicated situation you can schedule a time to talk more later. But at least he can have some idea of the problem and not be thinking it's something worse. I would not do it before bedtime. I would always talk earlier in the day if possible. 

The 10 minute rule is just for problem solving. Not for those rich fun talks that wander for an hour or two when you're sipping wine on the back deck watching the sun go down.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

So is it best to not tell them during the day that you want to talk to them later on. No warning signs, wait tell we are home to ask when is it a good time talk.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Go out for coffee or some other place that's relaxing. That seems to help.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

SoCalKat said:


> Go out for coffee or some other place that's relaxing. That seems to help.


I just realized why I have had such a difficult time trying to tell her "we need to talk" for one last time. Reason is because I am so bitter and mad that talking to her will not allow me to say the things I need to say to end or move on.


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