# Emotional Needs, Love and Marriage



## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

I have been struggling for sometime now - and thought I would give this a shot as to I have received some advice from family and others but I still struggle. I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful person who I believe loves me in his own way. He is respectful, kind, a good provider, hardworker. Despite this, I have been unhappy for a long time - 10 years perhaps. I have been able to manage our time in a manner where I have made the years bearable. Recent events, however, have made things more difficult for me and my unhappiness has become more apparent to me and others around me. There are a few key issues - 1) our values and priorities have changed over the years causing us to become more distant from one another. He tends to value material items and places a lot of emphasis on those things (all he talks about is what new things he needs). Meanwhile - I have wanted more children for a while. I remained hopeful but now, because of my age have come to the realization that the time is past. He has conveyed that he has absolutely no interest in anymore kids and I now believe I should have left 10 years ago and pursued children with someone else or on my own. I am angered by the fact that I let this go. 2) There is some financial stress based on his needs - though I know he is not solely to blame - I should have done more on my end. I just thought by this time I/we would be more financially stable than we are. 3) Within the past year, I came in contact with an old friend (my college sweetheart). We discussed a number of things regarding our past relationship and were honest with one another about our past love for one another. What has been difficult is that the old emotions/attraction was immediately revived. I was surprised by how honest my college sweetheart was with me and even stated the I love you words. I feel the same. Knowing this was somewhat dangerous, we agreed to limit contact and now do not contact each other at all - I hate this but know it is for the best.

I have stuck with my marriage because I am committed and I do not want to act selfishly - I do have a family that I need to take care of. But every day is painful. I have tried reaching out and being that loving wife but it seems I get nothing in return. My spouse does not express any interest in what is going on in my life - yet I always ask how the day was, anything new, etc. I even came back from a trip recently and was not even asked how it was. I try to discuss some concerns about the marriage and after a few minutes just give up because it is like a brick wall.

I am at a crossroads and do not know which way to turn. I want my marriage to succeed but yet I am miserable and burned out on trying. Any advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are having an affair.

You MUST stop all contact with your old flame before you do anything. It is not fair to anyone. Your grass is greener feelings are filtering ALL your thoughts. Here's a secret: the instant a person has access to a third person, the current partner suddenly was not worth keeping; and suddenly, you were NEVER happy (ok, for 10 years). It's called rewriting history. It's how you can live with the fact that you are cheating and lying. Basically, your OWN mind tricks you. To protect you from what you're doing.

If you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror, you must never contact your old flame again. 

Once you have reached that, THEN look at your marriage. Are you ready for that?


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

There is no affair.


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## livingla (Feb 10, 2010)

So, you are pissed at your husband because he didn't want more kids and now you are too old to have more. And ending the marriage solves that how?

After becoming "good friends" with a male coworker of hers, my wife of 4 years years left me. She convinced herself that leaving me would make her happier. Well, the grass wasn't all that much greener and like happens in 90% of affairs, those two are no longer seeing each other. Over a year later, she's living alone, packing on the pounds and is telling her friends how unhappy she still is.

My wife wouldn't go to counseiing. Now I know why -- she had already made her mind up, and it was easier to cut bait and run than to try to WORK OUT the problems in a relationship. As turnera wrote, once she had a new guy lined up I ranked barely above dog [email protected] to her.

But have you two considered counseling? I'm certain my wife and I would still be together today, and her no longer feeling her needs were not being met, had we gone to counseling. Please don't let that happen to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

how many kids do you have and how old are they?




skitown said:


> There is no affair.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

One and 13 years old. Please know I have very conservative values - which is why I have remained committed and in no way would I have an affair (my husband derserves more than that from me after 20 years of marriage). I was shocked by the emotional and physical attraction I still have for the college sweetheart. This perhaps was the eyeopener for me regarding the difficulties I am having. My emotional needs are not being met and I take steps to try but seem to fail. 

Regarding kids - I am guessing there may be a difference in how men and women approach this. Men can have children at any age (provided they find a woman (this may be hard)) but for women it is taken away from you at a certain age. I guess I always thought if he truly loved me he would make the sacrifice and have just one more. I mean, he actually told me that if I do get pregnant, I need to get "rid" of it. I still can't believe those words came out of his mouth. How selfish.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

THIS is an emotional affair:


> Within the past year, I came in contact with an old friend (my college sweetheart). We discussed a number of things regarding our past relationship and were honest with one another about our past love for one another. What has been difficult is that the old emotions/attraction was immediately revived. I was surprised by how honest my college sweetheart was with me and even stated the I love you words. I feel the same. Knowing this was somewhat dangerous, we agreed to limit contact and now do not contact each other at all - I hate this but know it is for the best.


The instant you go down that path emotionally, you turn off your hope for your own marriage, and you convince yourself that your husband just doesn't do it for you. 

Read up on it if you don't believe me. Read about emotional affairs, and women, and old flames. Every single thing you find will say the same thing - the instant an old flame reappears, women question their choices, do the old what-if, and decide their life is a sham. All because they suddenly know that some other guy COULD be there for them.

It makes no difference if you ever intend to follow through (though I commend you for stopping contact). What matters is that, in your heart and head, HE is what you are thinking about, and you shoved your husband out of line.


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## livingla (Feb 10, 2010)

"emotional and physical attraction" to the college sweetheart. 
Yup -- keep it up. You keep thinking along those lines and it will happen.

You once had an "emotional and physical attraction" to your husband. Why not think about communicating better with him? 

If the methods you are using to communicate today aren't working, try something else. Because of finances, I didn't take action to start counseling. Some time after my wife left I learned from my brother's wife quite a different perspective of our situation. Had my brother's wife shared with me earlier those conversations, or had we entered counseling, I would have realized the urgency for me to adjust my priorities. I knew things were headed downhill, I just didn't know how to stop the slide -- so in her eyes, nothing would change.

And in our situation, once there was someone else in the picture, someone my wife felt she would be happier around, it was no longer about making our marriage work (e.g., communicating, changing behavior, etc.) but about her "rewriting history", as turnera described.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Okay. I understand the emotional affair. I also know this is the path I do not want to take. So, I will focus on the positive qualities he has and work on improving communication. I will try not to get discouraged too easily. I am hoping that this will result in him taking the steps I need him to take when it comes to my needs. 

I will use the upcoming valentines weekend to move forward in my relationship with him. 

Thanks for all your help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. Both of you sit down and fill them out, then exchange them. Once you know what you do to stop LBing him and how to meet his top ENs, focus on that. What will happen is that, as YOU start being the wife of his dreams, and he is armed with your questionnaires, he'll want to start being the husband of _your_ dreams. And now that you each know how to make the other happy, it'll just keep reciprocating.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

skitown said:


> ... even stated the I love you words. I feel the same. Knowing this was somewhat dangerous, we agreed to limit contact and now do not contact each other at all - I hate this but know it is for the best.


I have read the responses to your post and I find them far too harsh. While it is true that you have not dealt wisely with your situation, I admire you immensely for your restraint. You passed a test of character that very few people on these boards are able to pass. When married people have strong feelings for a third person, 9 times out of 10 the result is a destructive affair that brings unbearable pain to husbands, wives, children, and beyond.

_*Your feelings are not who you are. The actions that you take in response to those feelings are who you are.*_

From your description, your husband is a wonderful man who did little to deserve the crippling heartbreak of an affair. And you are a remarkable woman for sparing him, and your children, that heartbreak.



> ... I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful person who I believe loves me in his own way. He is respectful, kind, a good provider, hardworker. Despite this, I have been unhappy for a long time - 10 years perhaps....


Now, the hard part to hear. You have been betrayed, but not by your husband. You have been betrayed by your own feelings. He appears to be a good man with a very small number of defects.

You must find a way to repair your marriage, not for your husband's sake, but for your own sake. You will not easily find a man as decent as he. Many people spend a lifetime searching, and the best they come up with is an insensitive jerk whose most notable accomplishment is overcoming an addiction to alcohol, dishonesty, and other women ... most of the time.

The grass often looks greener on the other side ... in your case, this is more true than any story I have heard in a long long time.

_*Find a way to appreciate what you have, before you end up with nothing.*_

Your mission is to fall in love with your husband again. Have no doubt, it is the right thing to do -- for him, for your children, and most of all, for yourself. Find a way.

Good luck.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

skitown said:


> I am at a crossroads and do not know which way to turn. I want my marriage to succeed but yet I am miserable and burned out on trying. Any advice.


Sounds like you guys let your dreams go in separate directions a long time ago! Now years of communication gaps and resentments have you sitting where you are now while he is happy with his "toys" and "stuff" you are seeing the clock move and wishing for kids etc.

You have to talk to your husband about your dreams. You may be past your prime, so what, adoption, volunteer, work around kids, there are option to get a feeling of completeness. You have a 13yr old that needs raising all through their teenage years.

As far as the old "college boyfriend" I can relate, but we're totally different. I will always care for my first love until I die, but since I'm happily married and so is she the thought of anything else doesn't even cross our mind. Since our closure we don't "talk" we just send a joke here or there.

I wish you luck communication, sharing dreams, planning life, etc is key...........work together and plan dreams together. If you aren't happy after all of that you can get a divorce you only live once.


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## skitown (Feb 9, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. It is really hard to summarize the entire relationship in a few short paragraphs. Yes, some of the comments were harsh, but I also realize that my statements provide only a glimpse of the situation.

What makes this difficult for me is that I know my husband has wonderful qualities; however, they can be overshadowed by some of the negative qualities we have. We all have our strengths and weaknesses so I do not fault him on his negative qualities. They are part of who he is and I need to accept them. 

The statement OhGeesh made is true. Our dreams have gone in separate directions. In fact, because of our careers, and interests, we spend little time together. Only about 4 to 5 days a month. I know there are other couples who are in the same boat as us. The time we do spend together is hardly focused on us - housework, dinner, kids activities, other obligations. When we do have some time, typically - it is spent doing what he wants to do, not what "we" want to do. If tell him I am not interested, he perceives that as me not wanting to spend time with him. He has never taken a day to do solely what I wanted to do - to him it is a waste of his free time. 

I do not feel guilty regarding feelings I have had towards a third party. Sorry - and yes I can look at myself in the mirror. Is it a terrible thing that I felt needed and wanted when someone asked how my day was, expressed interest in me and excited to talk to me? I don't think so. When I see my husband, I always say hi, how was your day, and ask questions about the things going on in his life. I came home from work last night, said hello to him, don't get a hello back (of course something on TV must have been more exciting). He responded to me of course when I asked him what he wanted for dinner. This is typical. My frustration is showing.

I have been committed to him because he has such wonderful qualities as well. We also have a son and until I see that our relationship is having a negative impact on our parenting, I will probably be with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then tell him that you are drifting away. Tell him that if someone else shows interest in you, you may find yourself leaving. You owe him the truth, at least that much of it, so he can make a valid decision on whether to step up and start meeting your needs.

Marriages require work. From BOTH of you. If you are unhappy, it is YOUR responsibility to tell your H what you need from him.

It is also your responsibility to be meeting HIS needs, whether he reciprocates or not. 

And marriages require time together, to keep the love alive. Of course you feel nothing for your husband. You are roommates. Why are you not spending time together doing sports, or day trips, or going for walks so you can talk, or one of a million other things you can do to spend time together. Kids is no excuse. Mom's Day Out, share kidsitting with other mothers, hire a sitter, relatives...there is no excuse for not finding time for your spouse.


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