# New guy in need of help



## Xerros (Sep 14, 2018)

Hello everyone,

Introducing myself as suggested by the site. I am a guy who has been married for about a year now. I am a American married to a Chinese woman and our relationship is kind of like a roller coaster. We have many similarities but also very different so our relationship is like is like a roller coaster with major ups and downs. Coming to this forum to hopefully seek advice on several problems I am trying to fix with my marriage.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It would help if you were a little more specific. Is your wife a native of China? How did you meet? How long have you been married? How long did you date? What is the nature of the roller coaster? What precipitates it? What resolves it? etc etc. You aren't going to get any help if you don't say what the problem is.


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## Xerros (Sep 14, 2018)

Sorry, not sure as to how much detail I should go in this original post, or if I should make another post elsewhere. Well then to describe more about who we are and our problems.

First off, we have been together for about 2 years. Dating for about a year and married for about a year. We originally meet on eharmony. What brought us together was similar interests so we would have a lot of fun and enjoyment together.

Me and my wife have very different backgrounds. I started out in a middle class family but things went bad quickly while young and essentially grew up poor. My family is uneducated so I didn't exactly have the best help when it came to my education. Yet somehow I managed to get my Master's and get a relatively good paying job. At this point I want to work and enjoy my life. My wife on the other hand grew up in China where her family started off poor but became successful. Her parents were educated and hard working so she got pushed to work hard and managed to get her master's as well. She hasn't been able to get in her career started just yet but she is somewhat conflicted as she has strong ambitions to always work hard but loves how things are more leisurely here in America.

Socially we differ greatly as well. I am not the type with many friends and wasn't exactly successful with the ladies. Was usually more focused on my career or my own selfishness when younger. I was also taught the forgive and forget mantra which most of my friends and family seem to live by. If I was wronged I would quickly move on and likewise if I made a mistake they were quickly to move on. As of which I never was good at the attention to details when dealing with others. My wife on the other had was a social type. She often reads up on how to deal with people, was taught to be perfect and never make mistakes, and if someone makes a mistake it is their responsibility to fix the problem. If not fixed then never forget. This itself is a major source of conflict and essentially the roller coaster.

In general we can be having a really good time one moment since, she asks or says something, then I may not respond in the way she is expecting causing the roller coaster crash to happen. A few example, the other day she read an article that having a loved one raises someones confidence and asked if it was true of me. I answered yes as I am learning from her being in this relationship and it helps build my confidence but this upset her since she was expecting something along the lines that I feel better about my body and being around other people in relationships. I tried to described myself better by generalizing myself better as having good relationships with people in general helps boost confidence but that made things worse as I got further away from the topic. Another thing she also can get greatly upset when she calls and I don't here her. Sometimes we may be in different parts of the house or other times too much noise so I don't here her. One last example for now is if something is wrong with her physically, I may not notice or know the appropriate action to take. One time she hurt her throat and started coughing a lot, for myself I always did nothing and let the moment pass in this situation, so when this happened to my wife I didn't exactly do much and she got made about this as well. As she describes, I seem to lack a lot of common sense socially. Whatever the reason, at which point she will remain mad until I find a way to make her feel better. Sometimes I can fix things quickly, sometimes it takes a few days, sometimes I can never solve the problem and it goes dormant for a while until she remembers later.

I feel fixing the problem is a great challenge as I feel my wife can be incredibly picky about how to make things better. First off, if she ever tells me what to do to make it better then it immediately invalidates this solution as she feels like she is begging for something and hates to beg. She doesn't like to vent to release her anger, she doesn't like for me to quietly listen to her problems, she doesn't like when I simply just admit I made a mistake and try to apologize. And when upset she can be rather self destructive to herself and those around her (me). For example, sometimes if I upset her early day and can't find a way to resolve the problem, come night time when I need to sleep for work the next day she won't be sleeping so I won't be sleeping.

As for what fixes the problems, this is something I have far from perfected and one of the reasons I seek advice (and also prevention). In the past I may have accidentally broken or lost something of hers, solution was to replace it without her telling me to. Sometimes doing something nice for her brings up her mood but doesn't necessarily solve the problem so she might drop again. Other times if she drops hints about what she wants and I pick up on it I can do something to bring her mood up, but then sometimes she will also tell me it is too late to solve the problem since she gave a hint. I often feel she isn't all too consistent with how to solve a problem.

EDIT: One last thing to mention. Wife heavily believes in the Zodiac signs. She is a Aries who is more about passion and spontaneous action whereas I am a Capricorn who is more of a planner and a nice stable guy (meaning I bad at romance).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" she wants and I pick up on it I can do something to bring her mood up, but then sometimes she will also tell me it is too late to solve the problem since she gave a hint. "

So, she basically expects you to be a mind reader? She DID say she knows you "lack a lot of common sense socially" (not sure if TRUE, but SHE thinks so), so what does she honestly expect?

Sounds like you walk around on eggshells quite a bit and are WAY too passive. 

". She doesn't like to vent to release her anger, she doesn't like for me to quietly listen to her problems, she doesn't like when I simply just admit I made a mistake and try to apologize. And when upset she can be rather self destructive to herself and those around her (me)."

SO looks like SHE has awful communications skills - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Sounds like she likes setting up no-win situations for you. She is VERY controlling and clearly trying to establish supremacy in the relationship. 

Honestly, she sounds emotionally immature.


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## Xerros (Sep 14, 2018)

From her perspective she believes her behavior is that of a normal woman and that men need to put in the work to understand how the woman mind thinks.

I won't deny my problems either, I am far from perfect. As I try to make my wife happy, I do feel I try to give in a lot to make her happy. In fights I am always the one know made the mistake (often I feel this is true but times when I feel I am in the right the situations plays like this regardless). I am conservative with money which causes problems from time to time as my wife feels I am cheap... which I also know this to be true. For a while we were using both my money and her parents money to live our lives. I was never the type to turn down assistance from people and for a while it felt more like my wife's pay check rather than money from her parents. I got too complacent about this which caused some major problems. Now just living off my paycheck but this also causes problems since both me and my wife were use to living with higher amount of leisure cash to spend. It can cause me to be grumpy when I can't but that new game or movie and my wife upset when she can't get that dress or vacation. I can also be the lazy type where I would much rather stay at home and do nothing all the time so I create problems there when I show lack of interest in things. I am bad at memorizing what we talked or did about before which my wife is a expert on and causes problems when I forget things. Also bad at paying attention to the details in conversations and can easily lose my focus on the discussion. Basically I have my own demons as well I do not know how to properly conquer, in many cases I feel my wife's anger at me is justified.

I guess I am also terrible in bed but think that is a discussion for a different forum.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Xerros said:


> From her perspective she believes her behavior is that of a normal woman and that men need to put in the work to understand how the woman mind thinks.
> 
> I won't deny my problems either, I am far from perfect. As I try to make my wife happy, I do feel I try to give in a lot to make her happy. In fights I am always the one know made the mistake (often I feel this is true but times when I feel I am in the right the situations plays like this regardless). I am conservative with money which causes problems from time to time as my wife feels I am cheap... which I also know this to be true. For a while we were using both my money and her parents money to live our lives. I was never the type to turn down assistance from people and for a while it felt more like my wife's pay check rather than money from her parents. I got too complacent about this which caused some major problems. Now just living off my paycheck but this also causes problems since both me and my wife were use to living with higher amount of leisure cash to spend. It can cause me to be grumpy when I can't but that new game or movie and my wife upset when she can't get that dress or vacation. I can also be the lazy type where I would much rather stay at home and do nothing all the time so I create problems there when I show lack of interest in things. I am bad at memorizing what we talked or did about before which my wife is a expert on and causes problems when I forget things. Also bad at paying attention to the details in conversations and can easily lose my focus on the discussion. Basically I have my own demons as well I do not know how to properly conquer, in many cases I feel my wife's anger at me is justified.
> 
> I guess I am also terrible in bed but think that is a discussion for a different forum.


Have you ever tried telling her to **** off and stop annoying your ass.
You should.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Xerros said:


> From her perspective she believes her behavior is that of a normal woman and that men need to put in the work to understand how the woman mind thinks.
> There have been many great minds before YOUR who have failed at that :grin2:
> 
> I won't deny my problems either, I am far from perfect.
> ...


Has SHE told you this? Is she your first LTR? Does SHE have a lot of previous partners? You will get a lot of suggestions about how to approach getting better if you post it, but you certainly can improve in this area also.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome Xerros.

Appreciate the introduction.

If it is easier for you, you can feel free to copy and paste your detailed post, and create a new thread in one of the more focused forums, such as 'Long Term Success In Marriage', 'General' etc. Likely to get far more feedback that way.

You don't have to answer here, but these are a few points I would like you to think about as you continue to share. Do keep in mind, folks may ask questions about the intimate aspects of your marriage. Share what you are comfortable with, and has relevance to any of the challenges you are trying to resolve.

Welcome to TAM!

Deejo


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Xerros said:


> From her perspective she believes her behavior is that of a normal woman and that men need to put in the work to understand how the woman mind thinks.
> 
> I won't deny my problems either, I am far from perfect. As I try to make my wife happy, I do feel I try to give in a lot to make her happy. In fights I am always the one know made the mistake (often I feel this is true but times when I feel I am in the right the situations plays like this regardless). I am conservative with money which causes problems from time to time as my wife feels I am cheap... which I also know this to be true. For a while we were using both my money and her parents money to live our lives. I was never the type to turn down assistance from people and for a while it felt more like my wife's pay check rather than money from her parents. I got too complacent about this which caused some major problems. Now just living off my paycheck but this also causes problems since both me and my wife were use to living with higher amount of leisure cash to spend. It can cause me to be grumpy when I can't but that new game or movie and my wife upset when she can't get that dress or vacation. I can also be the lazy type where I would much rather stay at home and do nothing all the time so I create problems there when I show lack of interest in things. I am bad at memorizing what we talked or did about before which my wife is a expert on and causes problems when I forget things. Also bad at paying attention to the details in conversations and can easily lose my focus on the discussion. Basically I have my own demons as well I do not know how to properly conquer, in many cases I feel my wife's anger at me is justified.
> 
> I guess I am also terrible in bed but think that is a discussion for a different forum.


Wow, it sounds like your wife is an emotionally immature narcissist, perhaps thru her enculturation of the way she thinks life should be. You internalize everything she says as if it is the gospel truth. Yes, you are not perfect, none of us are, not even your wife. In addition to what Andy said, I would tell her to, STFU or get out. My ex was very similar to your wife and if I had known then, what I know now, I would have told her that years ago.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I was counting on @Andy1001's quote about not speaking 'Hintese". But he is busy planning to marry and used his energy to tell you to find your own. You are not a mind-reader.

So, what do you do that is right? Are you paralyzed in the fear of whatever you do it may be wrong?

1. You have different personality types and cultural standards. This can be good or not. Blame it on the horoscope, but it just is and compromise is needed. 

2. Have you ever been tested for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder-likely inattentive type)? Google and see if this fits. There are some ways to work on this. Bet you don't like to read, but...

3. Work on your sexual prowess. 'Married Man's Sex Life Primer' (Athol Kay) 'She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman' (Kerner)

That's presuming you are ready for some major work on you. You can't fix her btw.


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