# Married 3 years - dont love husband anymore



## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

In a nutshell, I was married for the first time at the age of 46 to a man 5 years younger who has a small daughter (11).

I did love my husband very much and felt totally blessed that we found each other. 

Fast forward to now - I have no feelings for him, do not love him. I feel sorry for him because he deserves so much more.

We own a beautiful home, we both have stable jobs.

We do not share a bed anymore (have not been intimate for well over a year). We basically share a home and expenses.

He will not sell, I can't afford to buy him out, he can't afford to buy me out.

I can't stand it when he touches me, I have no desire to do anything with him socially. I "exist". I work, I come home and do it all again.

Just looking for how to cope so that I don't go insane. Every little thing about him bothers me. He mopes, everything is everyone else's fault but his own, he name calls, tells me to "F off" ... I ignore him and go off and wonder how I can survive this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you want? It sounds like you want out... What steps are you taking to make it happen then?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

PBear thanks for the response.

He won't sell, he can't afford to buy me out, he won't leave.

We stay purely for financial reasons.

Tho' he still thinks that there is a chance despite me repeatedly telling him that I am past that point now.

It's very sad - he continues to do nice things for me (threw me a 50th birthday bash, still cooks for us, bends over backwards). But it's too late.

What do I want - I wish it would change but it won't - we have both been for counselling - I am disinterested in continuing as is he.

We just co-habitate until one or the other can leave.

He's younger than I, I keep hoping he'll find someone and get the love that he deserves, he says it won't happen,that he won't commit "adultery".

PBear, he seems to not listen when I tell him it will never be better, but he doesn't get it.

It depresses me - he keeps trying. 

I just want to live separate lives until we can afford to part ways.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

I should also say that he is a great guy - but he's moody, and when he's in that "mood" he speaks down to me, can be emotionally and verbally abusive.

I suspect he's depressed - have told him this for YEARS - he does nothing about it.

It's worn me down to where I am now.

So, I save my money, I buy lottery tickets, I have secured a will and a separation agreement to ensure that my investment comes back to ME.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Um, katc, you didn't explicitly say, but are you separated in home? Sounds like you are trying to check out of the marriage but he isn't - you say it is is sad that he is trying to do nice things for you but his heart is probably aching to get his marriage happy again and not knowing how.

Unless you have specifically told him you want a divorce and have started the process he is still completely invested in the marriage, as miserable as you think it may be. You are expecting him to go out and have an exit affair, but why would he, he is completely devoted to you. If you want to end the marriage it is up to you to do it, stop stringing him along waiting for him to break and be the "bad guy" who takes the fall for getting the divorce, because in my opinion he is broken and obviously is not going to put the marriage on the chopping block - his solution is not divorce.

Yeah he needs to step up his game and start putting his needs ahead of others if he is to ever get out of his funk and also if you are ever going to find him attractive again, even if that means without you. When my life left she told me that she had checked out almost two years before - once I started getting over the shock it started to make so much sense why I felt like I was in a one-sided marriage, just like your H probably feels, I was putting in what little effort I could muster and thought I was doing good by letting her have more and more time to pursue her interests - little did I know I was putting my marriage in shark infested waters. At the end I felt like I was used up, like a vampire would use up its victim - and even though she is the one who used me up I don't even blame her it was my fault for being that doormat.

And it sounds like you are ripe for an affair, so please for the sake of everyone DON'T go out looking for it and don't accept affection from other men right now, if you want to end your marriage go see a lawyer today and get the divorce started. There is a good chance when he realizes the marriage is really on the line he will be willing to go to MC, and IC and do whatever he needs to do to save it, he may go all needy and desparate which will look pathetic to you, but if you are patient he will find some strength again - everything that you used to find attractive about him when you met is still there just buried under years of miscommunication, hard blows, the struggles of life and the faded intensity that goes along with long term relationships.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Lon, thank you!

No, I am not "ripe" for an affair. I have morals, values and that is not something I would do. I have no sexual desire whatsoever, for my husband or any other man for that matter. 

I have "checked out" - some time ago. Admittedly, there are glimmers of hope and then I think "hey, maybe there is hope" and then he will belittle me, or tell me to "F" off and then I revert back to wanting out.

He knows how I feel. I have told him repeatedly. He asks what we can do to fix it - we tried counselling, he tried counselling, I tried counselling, nothing changed.

Financially, neither one of us can go anywhere. We would literally lose our shirts.

I have asked him to consent to divorce - he won't.

We live together, sleep in separate beds, communicate very little.

He is moody and brings me down. I'm a happy person, love life. He blames everyone else for his problems but himself, he's depressed (but won't admit it). I have asked him to speak to his Dr. about meds - he doesn't. I have tried.

I don't want it to be like this - but it's been the same "dance" for 3 years now.

You are right, it is pathetic - he seems pathetic to me. Like a sad little puppy dog. He walks like a beaten man, but then some days he is that happy guy I met and fell in love with - but then it starts all over again.

He's not a communicator - at all and now, I'm really not interested in what he has to say - it seems like idle chatter to me. We eat together and last nite, when he was done, he left me at the table eating by myself. I would not ever do that, and it kind of hurt. But then again, why would it - he was miserable last nite. 

And today, he is mopey man again. I hate that.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The reason I said ripe for affair is because so many times when I see people on here with so little respect for their spouse its because they are in the fog and rewriting history. In your case their is no fog and you plainly don't want to be married to him. He is broken, as was I in my M, and needs IC and some kind of therapy to find his confidence and self-respect again, but either way, just as you said in a reply on another thread, that you will never be able to love him again. By staying with him you are not doing him any favors. So you don't really have a choice, you know what the right thing to do is, get the divorce (and btw most divorces aren't mutual, you don't need his consent at all, you just need to file and if he contests that is what the courts are for).

Good luck, I know it is brutally tough to face this reality, but letting go of each other is the only way for either of you to start going forward again.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Thank you Lon.

You know, I respect my husband enough to want him to go and find someone he can love and who is open to his affection.

It's not fair to see him like this, to see how hard he tries, and how, while I appreciate it, it doesn't change things. 

It's very sad. This is not what I had hoped for my marriage.

When I met him I was beside myself in love, the whole world looked different to me - I was a lucky girl. 

In these past few years, the constant bickering with he ex-wife (his and hers), his refusal to stand up to her and her outrageous demands, the way he treats his daughter (with utter disrespect, calling her names, yelling at her, belittling her) has worn me down over the years. And then, when I tried to intervene, to protect her from it - I was then the 'target'.

It's not "attractive" to see a man not be a man.

I am saddened it has come to this, and know that it will be quite some time before I can afford to go anywhere. I just can not lose what I have worked so hard for in life and invested financially. We may likely divorce, but stay in the same home. Thankfully, he works shift work so there is one week I don't see him.

And the hard part is that my family thinks he's a great guy. They see how much he loves me, what he does for me. What they don't see (tho' I have told them) is the "alter" man. So then I get from them that I should "suck it up" or "chillax", be grateful he's not beating me. And then I question what is wrong with ME - why can't I love him, why can't I see the good? I do see the good Lon, but the bad stuff outweighs the good (for me - for some it may be nothing).

Lon, I truly appreciate your thoughts and comments.

How are you doing now?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Katc-you don't see it, but this is SO fixable. The pressure is squarely on him. If he can become the man he was created to be, those "feelings" will eventually return. My wife was pretty much like you 10 months ago. Through lots of MC and IC and mentorship we both have changed and recovered. We are starting to build again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

The more I read, the more I see that he just doesn't sound like a nice man. Maybe he cooks, etc. but physical actions don't' do it all. He belittles not only you, but his daughter and his ex-wife. He won't try to change the things you tell him are bothering you. He sounds selfish. You can either get him to go to more counseling with you and give him one more try to change his not so nice ways or send him the divorce papers and live happily in an apartment if you have to. Sometimes you have to trade one unhappiness (your husband) for another (living a new lifestyle). I did it almost 30 years ago with 2 young children - guess what? It turned out to be one of the happiest most relaxing times of my life. Your certainly are not happy now I'm so sorry you waited for 46 years and it turned out badly. Good luck to you - I hope all works out for the best.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you divorce you have the legal leverage to get 1/2 of the assets. He will be forced to sell the home. Why do you stay in this if you are so miserable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

I don't need legal leverage to get 1/2 of the assets - that's my concern. ALL of the assets are mine and HE will get half.

I was a single Mom for 18 years, I owned my own home, I had a nice bit of equity that I put down on this house - he put nothing (yes, I was very stupid).

We have an agreement that states I get back what I put in, but it's only as good as the paper it's written on. I absolutely cannot lose that money - that is for my son should I depart this earth.

I'm a pretty tough cookie - if he tries to screw me (which I don't believe he would do) he'll have a heck of a fight on his hands.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

katc, while I do agree with dedicated that if he overcame his problems your attraction to him would likely return, feelings can wane and swell over the course of a marriage. However it seems you decided that you've waited for him to fix himself long enough and want out, so just do it. You are waiting for him to, but have you even told him, expressly, how you feel?

As to your assets, you said you have nothing Catherine explained that you are entitled to half the property, now you are saying you just don't want him to get any of it? Is it really worth the rest of your life in a miserable marriage? For your own benefit, cut your losses and move on, you'll be happy again. Or at the least tell your H how you feel so he knows you are checked out and can that decision for himself.

update: err I didn't read close enough... anyway, you do have the law on your side: you will be able to keep all the assets you brought into the marriage, plus you have a written agreement... its only the marital assets (ie what you have accumulated while married) that he is entitled to half of.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Hubby knows how I feel - God knows I have told him a gazillion times over the past 3 years.

Lon I have lots invested in this house - my original investment (he did not put any money down) I'm not about to walk away from what would be financial stability for me as a single woman. How is it fair that he should get half of what I put down on this house?

I'm a tough nut, I can stick out just about anything.

I'm certain it's not just him with issues, I'm sure there are things I do that bug him. What I do know is neither of us is entirely happy. I say we divorce, he says no. I say we sell, he says he won't sign. 

It will likely remain this way until one of us dies.

I came here to try to understand my feelings, to feel that I'm not crazy and that others too experience this, and I have found just that.

Until hubby and I can resolve the financial end of things, in all likelihood this will continue. It just can't be any other way but to continue to live separately under the same roof ... for now.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"I came here to try to understand my feelings, to feel that I'm not crazy and that others too experience this, and I have found just that."

Well, of course you found it. Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? We have a society of immasculated men that have no idea of how to love a woman and to be a real man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Amen to that.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

katc said:


> I don't need legal leverage to get 1/2 of the assets - that's my concern. ALL of the assets are mine and HE will get half.
> 
> I was a single Mom for 18 years, I owned my own home, I had a nice bit of equity that I put down on this house - he put nothing (yes, I was very stupid).
> 
> ...


katc - that is not the way it works in a community property state, he would only get half of what has accrued during the marriage. You can have "tracing" performed to show what was invested in house was your separate property, and it will remain so. It's can get expensive, but your lawyer may be able to do some of it without the help of a forensic accountant if its simple. If you also have any sort of "pre-nupital" agreement, it will of course help you as well.

You should talk to a divorce attorney for your state, ASAP - I'm just finishing up a divorce of a 5-year marriage - it would have been better if I had done it at 3 years in. 

Here are some good divorce links:
Divorce Dex.com: Online Index for Divorce


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

Sorry, just saw you are from Canada. I change my advice to simply:
Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP.

I have no idea what the divorce laws are like there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Leave the gun, take the cannoli


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Can you work out an agreement by which he stops contributing to the mortgage and moves into an apartment which he rents, and you bring a tenant / roommate into the house to pay rent, thereby making up the missing half of the mortgage?

If you own the home outright, this could still work - the rent money of the roommate could be used to pay for his apartment elsewhere.

Not sure if he'd be willing to do something like this, but since you've already gotten great marriage advice, I figured I'd try to offer something on the "trying to find a practical financial solution" side. Good luck, it sounds just about unbearable from what you've written.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks Frootloop! Yes, laws in Canada are very different.

I have consulted with a lawyer. I do know what I put into the house monetarily. I keep pretty good records. I have my will in place, and my family is aware of my wishes, etc.

My lawyer also knows what I put down on the house, so that's all good. I truly don't think my hubby would try to "screw" me in that regard, but one never knows. I prefer to err on the side of caution and be prepared.

Omega - it's not unbearable, it's just not pleasant at times. He's a really quiet guy. We have a large home, we seldom communicate. He cooks, I clean up afterward. I have a small busines in addition to working full time - I'm busy. I stay out of his way.

Our problem is and always has been lack of communication and of course the moodiness which with it, brings his condescending attitude, talking down to me (he says he doesn't do this, but I surely take it that way - especially when he rolls his eyes along with it). 

There are good days when I think "maybe this could work" and then days where he's having a bad day and I or his daughter are the brunt of it.

He's an officer of the law, he hates his job, says his life is boring - we don't and haven't ever done much in the way of entertainment outside the house. He dislikes his parents (they are extremely critical of him) and there are issues with his ex and the way she raises their daughter. He's concerned for her health as she is obese and the mother refuses to see it. It's been a long battle for him.

I can see, and can so totally understand his emotions, but as I tell him, if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. And don't take it out on the people that DO care about you. He never got it, and now this is where I am - feeling sorry for him, unable to help him and wanting peace ... for myself.

He needs help, but I don't think he acknowledges there's a problem. And you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. And I have talked about it to death with him - always a one sided conversation of course, beecause he doesn't communicate!!

This will all play out how it was meant to. I continue to get / keep my things in order.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Survive is not necessarily a negative word but survive obvious the difference between you will not take place over time any time and if we assume one year from the opposite meaning survive without external changes that may be year from now he will survive like that you were supposed to show to yourself and see for yourself The difference between you regardless and so on because without the difference you not exist and with the difference you not exist and that the difference


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