# dont like having sex with wife



## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Hi,

I have been married to my wife for a year now and since we have been married i havent enjoyed sex and i dont find my wife physically attractive. We got married via an arranged marriage and spoke via texting and on facetime but we never had dates and met up in person a couple of times. On our first night of marriage we had sex and this is when i realised i dont find her attractive in that way and she isnt my type. Evertime we have sex she initiates it and some what forces it. I have never had the urge to rip her clothes off and have sex. The issue is my sex drive is very high all the time but i never want to have sex with wife. i have had past sexual relationships and they have been full of lust this one isnt. Im not cheating on wife and im not interested in any other women. Its worrying that from our first night ive never been wanting to have sex. please help as this is really depressing me and its also upsetting my wife and i feel really stuck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> We got married via an arranged marriage and spoke via texting and on facetime but we never had dates and met up in person a couple of times


Well, that's your foundation. It's weak. Do a hard reset, go out together, get to know each other, find out each others triggers. Marriage doesn't mean the game ends, far from it. It's only getting started!


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Since you had an arranged marriage, you must come from a culture where this is common and the problems understood.

Romantic love is more of a recent phenomenon as compared with previous history where sheer survival was paramount. 

Arranged marriages can have sex lives that are just fine, and most especially in an environment where again survival is more an issue than which car we are driving to our summer home in France. 

The arranged marriages I knew from my college days and again now with Muslims I know - the surrounding culture and religion was really important. If you plucked them out of that environment and put them in the middle of a modern western city, without that culture and religion, they'd fall apart quickly.

You aren't so tempted when you are steeped in your religious and cultural mores. The two of you grow in respect and admiration, and the lovemaking doesn't suffer from pining away at the green grass on the other side of the fence.

So I am guessing you are not currently living in your "native" community surrounded by religious and cultural mores, right?


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Having a million other lemmings next to you doesn't make the cliff any less perilous.

If you don't like being saddled with someone you didn't choose and have no attraction for, then disarrange this marriage and commit to a self-determined existence in which you make important decisions for yourself.

A year from now you'll have a kid and be stuck for real.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Im living in the uk. religion has nothing to do with this. i was happy getting married to this girl. But we have not had the physical connection and thats the real issue here. i have tried everthing from connecting and it still hasnt worked.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

bob7878 said:


> Im living in the uk. religion has nothing to do with this. i was happy getting married to this girl. But we have not had the physical connection and thats the real issue here. i have tried everthing from connecting and it still hasnt worked.



Does she know this? You say you don't lust her and sex is not good. Do you love and care about her. What happens if you divorce her? 

If its hard to get a divorce - for whatever reason, perhaps you should seek professional counseling to work with your wife on building the connection and love.

Just curious - do you masturbate to porn often? The reason I ask is because porn can create unrealistic desires and expectations as far as sex with a spouse is concerned.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you been sexually attracted to and / or enjoyed sex with other women?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Wasn't there some attraction when you met her? Even though the marriage was arranged, didn't you have a choice to agree or not agree? And is there anything in your culture that can be done about incompatibility? Or are you stuck?

Could it be that maybe, as indicated above, you just need to take the time to get to know her? 

Or, could this be you and not have anything to do with her? Did you feel forced to marry and now regret it? Is it possible that the wedding made you realize you'd made a mistake, so you emotionally rejected her after that?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Mary : I told her this couple of times that physically there is no connection, firstly when we were 2 months in the marriage and then again last 2 months. i didnt want to tell her this as i know how upset she would be but i had no choice as i would avoid sex with her. I dont love her i just care for her as person. 

And i dont masterbate to porn. I have had sex with previous girlfriends and i always met up and had great passionate sex and now i feel off putting to even get close to my wife. i dont think my wife is my type. shes really skinny and small and ive always went for more curvier women.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

uhtred : yes i have been sexually attracted to and had great sex with past women. on this occassion it was arranged so didnt have no physical relationship with my wife til after i got married.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Wasn't there some attraction when you met her? Even though the marriage was arranged, didn't you have a choice to agree or not agree? And is there anything in your culture that can be done about incompatibility? Or are you stuck?
> 
> Could it be that maybe, as indicated above, you just need to take the time to get to know her?
> 
> Or, could this be you and not have anything to do with her? Did you feel forced to marry and now regret it? Is it possible that the wedding made you realize you'd made a mistake, so you emotionally rejected her after that?



atttraction was there, she is a really good looking girl. it was my choice and i was happy. on our first night when we had sex i just didnt feel anything, then for next few weeks i tried to make sex passionate and be up for it but there was nothing


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Wasn't there some attraction when you met her? Even though the marriage was arranged, didn't you have a choice to agree or not agree? And is there anything in your culture that can be done about incompatibility? Or are you stuck?
> 
> Could it be that maybe, as indicated above, you just need to take the time to get to know her?
> 
> Or, could this be you and not have anything to do with her? Did you feel forced to marry and now regret it? Is it possible that the wedding made you realize you'd made a mistake, so you emotionally rejected her after that?





mary35 said:


> Does she know this? You say you don't lust her and sex is not good. Do you love and care about her. What happens if you divorce her?
> 
> If its hard to get a divorce - for whatever reason, perhaps you should seek professional counseling to work with your wife on building the connection and love.
> 
> Just curious - do you masturbate to porn often? The reason I ask is because porn can create unrealistic desires and expectations as far as sex with a spouse is concerned.


I told her this couple of times that physically there is no connection, firstly when we were 2 months in the marriage and then again last 2 months. i didnt want to tell her this as i know how upset she would be but i had no choice as i would avoid sex with her. I dont love her i just care for her as person. 

And i dont masterbate to porn. I have had sex with previous girlfriends and i always met up and had great passionate sex and now i feel off putting to even get close to my wife. i dont think my wife is my type. shes really skinny and small and ive always went for more curvier women.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

How many woman have you been with before your wife? Did you have an emotional connection with any of these women? How long between the last woman and your marriage? How old are you and how old is your wife?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is divorce possible?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bob7878 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been married to my wife for a year now and since we have been married i havent enjoyed sex and i dont find my wife physically attractive. We got married via an arranged marriage and spoke via texting and on facetime but we never had dates and met up in person a couple of times. On our first night of marriage we had sex and this is when i realised i dont find her attractive in that way and she isnt my type. Evertime we have sex she initiates it and some what forces it. I have never had the urge to rip her clothes off and have sex. The issue is my sex drive is very high all the time but i never want to have sex with wife. i have had past sexual relationships and they have been full of lust this one isnt. Im not cheating on wife and im not interested in any other women. Its worrying that from our first night ive never been wanting to have sex. please help as this is really depressing me and its also upsetting my wife and i feel really stuck.


This takes some thought. Why did you marry?


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Okay so you find her to be a very pretty woman, but she is skinny and you are only attracted to curvy women. 
Learn to cook my friend! And get to know her well (and hopefully become friends) as you fatten her up to your liking. We should all have your problems!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wow Where to start



bob7878 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been married to my wife for a year now and since we have been married i havent enjoyed sex and i dont find my wife physically attractive. We got married via an arranged marriage and spoke via texting and on facetime but we never had dates and met up in person a couple of times. On our first night of marriage we had sex and this is when i realised i dont find her attractive in that way and she isnt my type.
> 
> ...





bob7878 said:


> .......* i was happy getting married to this girl.* But we have not had the physical connection and thats the real issue here. *i have tried everthing* from connecting and it still hasnt worked.


No you haven't.



bob7878 said:


> uhtred : yes i have been sexually attracted to and had great sex with past women. on this occassion it was arranged so didnt have no physical relationship with my wife til after i got married.





bob7878 said:


> *atttraction was there, she is a really good looking girl.** it was my choice and i was happy.* on our first night when we had sex i just didnt feel anything, then for next few weeks i tried to make sex passionate and be up for it but there was nothing


Again, where do you start with something like this.

First, you agreed to an arranged marriage, were indicate she is attractive and you wanted to marry her. Well, "man up" you got what you wished for and wanted.

Next, have you tried marriage counseling with a sex therapist? Seriously, they can help. Sex Therapists are
marriage counselors with extra training in helping people deal with sexual problems of one form or another.

Third, have you tried the 36-question method of falling love? https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

Fourth do you understand that phases of a typical love/sex relationship and how a typical marriage works? First you fall madly in love. This is done often times by having sexual relations that produce oxytocin and a host of other feel good sex hormones that if coupled with proper "after care" create an incredibly strong bonding between two people, regardless of their type, which is why young people are constantly warned to only have sex with suitable partners! https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/oxytocin

You know that some Sex Therapists who are also medical doctors and can prescribe drugs may actually use onytocin as way of bonding a couple with a troubled marriage together. It is not always considered an appropriate method, but prescribed oxytocin is used for a lot of things from treating PTSD to other things. 

The point is that if you have frequent sex with your wife (and yes she is your wife, because you agreed to it) you will like pair bond with her...........at least in the early stages of a relationship. Later you will have to have a lot of other things going for your relationship.

May I also suggest that you get a copy of the Gottman's book the art and science of love and start doing the rituals they recommend that happily married couples exhibit. The Gottmans spent a lot of time observing couples to the point that just by looking at how they interact they could predict if they would divorce or stay married. 

Finally, I am going to give you some advice that a Sex Therapist gave me when she helped save my marriage.
Spend time talking to your wife and visualizing with her what you both want your married life to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years from now. Do you want to be financially comfortable, have children you and your parents are proud of, do you want to have someone who will support your career or educational goals, do you want to have a partner you can absolutely trust. Do you want to travel? How important to your marriage is sex. How important is it for each of you to stay in shape and not let yourself go physically? etc.

Good luck, you are a married man act like it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Wow Where to start
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Great post. 

My wife and I have always talked about where we want to go, who we want to be, what our future life together would look like, and we subsequently have committed to making it so; to the point we could hardly conceive of any other outcome. There is no doubt this is part of the almost continually strengthening bond we have enjoyed throughout our life together.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are nuts for having engaged in this arranged relationship. You got what you deserved .........nothing. She sounds like she is into it but you are not.....that's your problem. This thread is a train wreck. NEXT............


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Young at Heart said:


> Wow Where to start
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Great Advice. I give it 2 thumbs up (cause I only have 2 thumbs or I would give it more)


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> She's very pretty so you found her attractive.
> 
> But she's also thin and petite; so you're not attracted to her sexually. :scratchhead:
> 
> Did she lose a lot of weight after you met her? I mean, you would have known from the beginning if she was "curvy" enough for you, right? Why did you keep dating her if you knew you weren't attracted to thin women?



She was really skinny when i first started talking to her. In the past ive always been with curvy women. I havent had sex with a skinny women before. The issue also seems to be that when i do have sex with her i just want it over really quick. I wasnt to know this before marriage. i have tried everything, connecting with her but this is the main issue. I feel resentful towards her i dont think i like anything. Everything she does just annoys me and i feel really inpatient around her, i dont want to be like this.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

cam accross this article and this is how i feel exactly : 


The Consequences of No Physical Attraction



MORE
There are many reasons why people enter into committed, long-term relationships or marriage that have little to do with physical attraction. Some people marry to please others such as their parents: One client became engaged to a man she had little attraction for primarily because of enormous pressure from her mother to settle down. As an older, Italian woman the mother placed a high value on marriage and family. Other people marry for reasons of age and reproduction such as those fighting their biological time clocks. And others do so to escape loneliness or to create an instant family. People who are lonely or come from broken homes might be more compelled to unwittingly commit under these circumstances. Others strive to make up for a loss. Such might be the case of a partner who recently lost a spouse. And finally, some people attempt to escape societal pressure or to fit in: A client remarked: “It’s a couple’s-oriented society and I hate feeling like a third wheel.”

Many people believe that the importance of physical attraction is overrated. These individuals contend that other factors such as an emotional connection, friendship, the ability to communicate, the willingness to start a family, and safety and security are just as vital if not more, to sustaining a healthy, long-term relationship. But I beg to differ. While these factors are important to a viable relationship, so is a passionate, physical attraction. I’ll even submit that if physical attraction “never” existed between partners then many are living in a veritable “house of cards.” When choosing a life mate many of these individuals came packing with a “check list” comprised of tangibles but lacking in physical attraction. “I was never raised to consider such a thing,” said a female client. “I was taught that looks and sex weren’t that important. Honesty, productivity and loyalty were important, and above all else, religion and family. Now I don’t even want to kiss my husband. When I see a man that I find attractive, I get excited. It’s as if I’m finally freed up to feel my desires.”

It is true that many people manage to stay together with virtually little to no physical attraction. Severe health issues not-withstanding, some of these people are engaged in child-centered marriages or they’ve found a way to sublimate their sexual desire via work, sports, or even substance dependence. Others consciously submit to living with a big hole in their lives. But for many, sooner or later the void craves filling and trouble ensues. It’s only human. 

In marital therapy, I always request that each partner attends at least one individual session. During this time, I inquire about the state of attraction and its history. I ask if there is current physical attraction and if it ever existed. I also ask detailed questions about each partner’s sexual activity both past and present. Fantasies are also explored as these can reveal what partners are “really” attracted to. In some cases, a couple may be having regular sex—albeit obligatory and relatively unsatisfactory. Most often however, the least interested person has lost the need to even try to stir up a little passion. To put it bluntly, if you ignore physical attraction when choosing a life-partner, your relationship may be temporary. Here are some of the consequences you may eventually face:

1. Poor Sex Life: People who are stuck in a relationship lacking physical attraction will most likely have little to no sex. I’ve treated some couples who haven’t been sexually intimate in 10-15 years. Some of these marriages were unconsummated. Many partners sleep in separate beds—even relatively young couples. Oftentimes the couple has never experienced a good sex life and you can discover this by asking about early dating or honeymoon activity.

The least interested partner is often accused of never “initiating” sex, or doing so at the most inopportune times making it less likely to happen. But don’t be fooled by the mate who claims to want more sexual intimacy. They too, often enable the sabotaging of their sex lives. Some do so by turning it down when it is initiated, or complaining that it is never good enough. This in turn, can cause the partner who finally initiated to retreat or completely shut down.

2. Affairs: The lack of attraction in a primary relationship oftentimes leaves an opening for a third party to enter. The initiator of an affair might be the mate who claims to have attraction but feels deprived by the other. However, in my experience it’s usually the partner with little attraction that seems to find a lover in the world. Work or the gym seem to be the most popular place for affairs to develop. Running into someone that finally electrifies you is hard to resist. And once an affair becomes physical, it will that much harder to stop. If emotional feelings are involved—look out. This is in part, why I liken an affair to a Zombie: As in any respectable Zombie movie when you think a Zombie is destroyed, it surprises you and comes back again.

3. Nitpicking: When a partner feels trapped in an unhappy relationship they tend to consistently find things wrong with their partner. The way they smell, the way they eat, the words they use. The things they may have once found endearing are now annoying as hell. Some of these critics hope that the partner will get the message and end the relationship—something the nitpicker may be scared to do; others are simply projecting their own frustrations onto their partner. Nitpicking in this context may be considered a sadistic act but because it is usually unconscious it is difficult to stop. In my clinical experience, once the underlying reason for the nitpicking surfaces a couple may find themselves forced to deal with their attraction issue—a more authentic, yet dangerous place to be. 

4. Distance: The partner who isn’t attracted will find a way to stay away. This could manifest in both physical and emotional distance. To quote Roseanne Rosannadanna: “There’s always something…if it’s not one thing, it’s another.”

5. Lack of Respect: An individual who isn’t attracted might show a lack of respect for their partner. While the nitpicker is always on the watch, demonstrating a lack of respect might be less consistent but more stinging. Insulting a partner in public seems to be a fan favorite, or unfavorably comparing your partner to a neighbor, family member, or someone at work. A nice touch is to compare your partner with one of their competitors or someone they despise. Humiliating your partner on the grandest stage is often a sign that you’re very unhappy with your relationship.


6. Lack of Affection: A lack of attraction with little to no sex may be bad enough, but many couples who are stuck in sexless partnerships oftentimes demonstrate little affection towards one another. There is usually little hand holding. Rarely do they put their arms around one another or sit in close proximity. One female client made a deal with her distancing husband: “At least sit next to me on the couch while we watch television. I promise I won’t touch you.”

I realize that Victorian roots are still at play for many. But social media routinely uses attraction and sex to sell. Divorce is still stigmatized—less so now than in previous decades—but it is certainly not celebrated. And yet we still don’t pay homage to all that can make a relationship work. The next time you’re looking for a life partner, remember to add physical attraction and sexual compatibility to your list. If you truly want a strong foundation, consider all the variables, or pray that your house of cards doesn’t experience a strong wind.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Interesting, do you have premature ejaculation with her? In order to get it over with?


dont have premature. but i kind of just rush sex, dont like kissing her or doing foreplay. in past relationships my sex has been really hot and plenty of foreplay


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

You aren't making much sense.

You've said it was an arranged marriage, yet it was your choice and you were happy with it.

If that were true, that you were happy with it, then you could list for us the virtues she has that made you so happy with her as a wife.

You need to detail what you mean by "arranged marriage". Some of us have quite a bit of experience with this. What country is your background? India?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bob7878 said:


> She was really skinny when i first started talking to her. In the past ive always been with curvy women. I havent had sex with a skinny women before. The issue also seems to be that when i do have sex with her i just want it over really quick. I wasnt to know this before marriage. i have tried everything, connecting with her but this is the main issue. I feel resentful towards her i dont think i like anything. Everything she does just annoys me and i feel really inpatient around her, i dont want to be like this.


Is there any chance it is not directly about sex at all but something going on in your thoughts or feelings like nervousness over being married or something now that reality has kicked in?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> You aren't making much sense.
> 
> You've said it was an arranged marriage, yet it was your choice and you were happy with it.
> 
> ...


so im indian. so this is the story, i was looking for a wife and my parents said that one of there friends has a daughter and she also wants to get married. So they showed me pics and then we all met for meal and we then exchanged numbers. we chatted for about 8 months over the phone and texting. we probably met a few times but with all the family with us. we didnt have any kind of physical relationship. at the time we were both happy. I did have 2nd thoughts about her weight before hand but then as we got on so well and the fact our familys knew each other i thought it would make sense and we both agreed that it will work. about her weight i just thought after marraige once she puts on some weight it will be fine. we wernt forced to get married we just had an arranged by parants i guess its like a mutual friend introducing in your culture. 

so once we got married from the first night i realised i made a huge mistake. then a month later we went on honeymoon and i tried to connect with her, but mentally there was no spark and physically i hated sex with her. and then months after honeymoon ive tried and tried and forced my self to like her and connect with her mentally and it hasnt worked. I told her 3 weeks ago again that its not working and she cried her eyes out to me saying how all she wanted was me and that she wants me to tell her everything will be ok, this is a really difficult situation.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

bob7878 said:


> so im indian.


I thought so, which is why that was my guess. I know the culture. 



> so this is the story, i was looking for a wife and my parents said that one of there friends has a daughter and she also wants to get married. So they showed me pics and then we all met for meal and we then exchanged numbers. we chatted for about 8 months over the phone and texting. we probably met a few times but with all the family with us. we didnt have any kind of physical relationship. at the time we were both happy. I did have 2nd thoughts about her weight before hand but then as we got on so well and the fact our familys knew each other i thought it would make sense and we both agreed that it will work. about her weight i just thought after marraige once she puts on some weight it will be fine. we wernt forced to get married we just had an arranged by parants i guess its like a mutual friend introducing in your culture.


Sure. But what is missing from this is that in arranged marriages or introductions of this sort there are virtues both parties possess which was the basis for the introduction in the first place. Like honesty, thrift, industriousness, kindness, etc. 

I haven't heard a word of that from you, despite asking. The reason this is so important is that if there is no such basis for admiring her, cherishing her, and looking forward to raising a family with her... then there isn't any point to have gotten married. 



> so once we got married from the first night i realised i made a huge mistake. then a month later we went on honeymoon and i tried to connect with her, but mentally there was no spark and physically i hated sex with her. and then months after honeymoon ive tried and tried and forced my self to like her and connect with her mentally and it hasnt worked. I told her 3 weeks ago again that its not working and she cried her eyes out to me saying how all she wanted was me and that she wants me to tell her everything will be ok, this is a really difficult situation.


That's pretty clear. The red flag before marriage in terms of attraction is that she was not your type physically and it was a concern to you. 

Without the virtues compelling you to desire being with her, I don't see how this is going to work out the way arranged marriages I am familiar with have worked out. In those marriages the couples really admired each other. Sexual attraction was a lesser matter. But the admiration really made the sex work out okay. 

I am not seeing that here. Right? You don't admire her in a number of ways that make you want to be a companion?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If you just need some cushion for the pushion, just take her to the cake shop for fattening sessions. Or eating contests!


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> You aren't making much sense.
> 
> You've said it was an arranged marriage, yet it was your choice and you were happy with it.
> 
> ...





[email protected] said:


> I thought so, which is why that was my guess. I know the culture.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nope i dont admire her or respect her how i should. I dont know but alot of the times she annoys me. Lets not forget sex is a big part of marraige. Lets just say i was very sexually attracted to my wife then i know for sure id be in a more happier place and would be treating her like a queen. just doesnt make sense.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> If you just need some cushion for the pushion, just take her to the cake shop for fattening sessions. Or eating contests!


Just when I started to think that there might not be an easy solution......


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Is there a stigma to divorce for her?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Perhaps you should try counseling first before making any dicisions. If this isn't going to work, Bette to get out sooner than later. And don't get her pregnant unless you are fully committed to her.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

mary35 said:


> Perhaps you should try counseling first before making any dicisions. If this isn't going to work, Bette to get out sooner than later. And don't get her pregnant unless you are fully committed to her.


I just feel that it will cause family issues as parents are really close to hers. I also feel really guilty as she feels soo much for me and when i did break it to her that its not working she cried her eyes out. i do care for how a person feels and it heartbreaking to know that she feels the world for me and dont feel anything i wish i did feel the world for her!

shes also been saying she wants a baby i dont know if its the fact that she feels that if i dont have a baby with her i will leave her. She asked me why i dont want one, even though she knows we have had major issues in the marraige and i just spoke to her about a month ago and she still asking why i dont want a baby. i mean surely anyone would get why!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Always remember Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch in marriage:

1. Do not get married if you are not sexually compatible. It isn't fair to either of you.
Admittedly difficult to deal with that in arranged marriages, so we go right on to rule #2.
2. Do not have kids until you find a way to be sexually compatible. It isn't fair to the kids.

The cost in violating rule #2 is immeasurably higher than for violating rule #1. Do not do it. You will regret it. One thing to divorce without kids and hurt an adult who is responsible for their choice to marry you. Quite another thing to have kids and then divorce (when you knew there was a major problem in the marriage before you had them) and hurt innocent kids who did nothing to deserve the pain.

If you divorce without kids at a young age you will owe little or no alimony for a short period of time and can basically move forward without looking back. If you have a kids, you are tied together for the rest of your life. Do you want to be tied to her for the rest of your life even if you decide to divorce her? No? Then don't have kids. 

How can you be sure not to have kids? Two or three methods of birth control - every time. Do not trust that she is using it - she may want the kid to tie you to her. Take responsibility. Don't enjoy using 2 forms of birth control every time? Stop having sex. Don't enjoy marriage without sex? Get a divorce.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> Always remember Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch in marriage:
> 
> 1. Do not get married if you are not sexually compatible. It isn't fair to either of you.
> Admittedly difficult to deal with that in arranged marriages, so we go right on to rule #2.
> ...



i dint have sex or a physical relationship with her before marriage, so i wouldn't have known if i was sexually compatible. I guess i did know about the type but as i have never been with a skinny girl i wouldn't have know either. I guess i now need to decide what i need to do, 3 months ago i sat and i thought im going to make this work and now 3 months later in the same boat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bob7878 said:


> She was really skinny when i first started talking to her. In the past ive always been with curvy women. I havent had sex with a skinny women before. The issue also seems to be that when i do have sex with her i just want it over really quick. I wasnt to know this before marriage. i have tried everything, connecting with her but this is the main issue. I feel resentful towards her i dont think i like anything. Everything she does just annoys me and i feel really inpatient around her, i dont want to be like this.


How many hours a week do you spend with her in quality time? What things do you do together? What mutual interest do the two of you have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, how old are you and how old is she?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> Always remember Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch in marriage:
> 
> 1. Do not get married if you are not sexually compatible. It isn't fair to either of you.
> Admittedly difficult to deal with that in arranged marriages, so we go right on to rule #2.
> ...





EleGirl said:


> Also, how old are you and how old is she?


im 29 and she's 20 so there is a massive age gap. we be around each other a-lot, we have regular movie nights etc. also i have tried connecting with her with fitness training. she was suffering from eating disorder when we first met and she was severely under weight im talking 39kg at 5 ft 3. so when we got married i tried connecting through training with her and helping her do weights and help her gain weight. she is now 46kg. but as of yet still no connection


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bob7878 said:


> I just feel that it will cause family issues as parents are really close to hers. I also feel really guilty as she feels soo much for me and when i did break it to her that its not working she cried her eyes out. i do care for how a person feels and it heartbreaking to know that she feels the world for me and dont feel anything i wish i did feel the world for her!
> 
> shes also been saying she wants a baby i dont know if its the fact that she feels that if i dont have a baby with her i will leave her. She asked me why i dont want one, even though she knows we have had major issues in the marraige and i just spoke to her about a month ago and she still asking why i dont want a baby. i mean surely anyone would get why!


First off any family problems will be their problems. You can't let someone choose how you live and who you spend it with. That is just f*cked up. I would just as soon disown my parents and my culture that to submit to something like this. It isn't 1800 for goodness sakes. You have options. If you aren't attracted you aren't attracted. Get a divorce and move on with your life.
All those people telling you to get counseling are whacked as well. This isn't an issue that talking it out can solve. Either you are or you are not attracted. If you aren't you owe it to yourself and to HER to get out and get out NOW. Do not royally screw things up with a kid. 
I seriously do not understand a culture that thinks they can choose what will make you happy or anyone who would submit to it.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

You said she is very pretty.
You knew she was skinny when you agreed to marry her.
You knew her personality somewhat from all the texting and conversations before marriage.
She really likes you and is trying hard to be close to you.
She is putting on weight with help from you, her husband.

If she continues to put on weight, do you think she may get the body type you desire?
If you dissolve the marriage do you think you'll ever enter into an arranged marriage again?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> You said she is very pretty.
> You knew she was skinny when you agreed to marry her.
> You knew her personality somewhat from all the texting and conversations before marriage.
> She really likes you and is trying hard to be close to you.
> ...



thats what im hoping with the help of me training her that i will be sexually attracted to her. If i did dissolve the marriage then i will make sure i date a women and find the correct type for me. it will certainly not be arranged again. But then i ask my self there is no sexual chemistry then how will it just come. ive never had it


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Bob, I don't see this marriage working and your wife will be more hurt the longer you two stay together if you ever leave her or are attracted to someone you do love. No babies is an absolute rule for now and until you love her and want to be with her forever.

Men in your position become miserable, then the wife becomes miserable, then often times the man finds some woman that he likes, the wife finds out and she is more miserable. If you have a baby / children it makes all of the hurts and problems worse.

Don't allow your parent's tradition to ruin your life and your wife's life. If you do it might ruin your children's life too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This cannot be fixed because you are not motivate to love her. Love is a choice, one that you are not making.

You really should divorce her. And do whatever works in your culture so that she is not disgraced. Return to her any money she and/or her family put into this marriage.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This cannot be fixed because you are not motivate to love her. Love is a choice, one that you are not making.
> 
> You really should divorce her. And do whatever works in your culture so that she is not disgraced. Return to her any money she and/or her family put into this marriage.


Ah, a refund analogy.

Is she now marked down for resale as "opened goods", or inspected, repackaged, and sold with full warranty.

Arrangements don't work.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> This cannot be fixed because you are not motivate to love her. Love is a choice, one that you are not making.



Is it really? Maybe ‘love’ is but attraction isn’t and cannot be. It’s completely biological.



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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bob7878 said:


> thats what im hoping with the help of me training her that i will be sexually attracted to her. If i did dissolve the marriage then i will make sure i date a women and find the correct type for me. it will certainly not be arranged again. But then i ask my self there is no sexual chemistry then how will it just come. ive never had it


I am now at a complete loss.

You say you no longer respect her You say you want to "train" her in a way that will make you sexually attracted to her. And you say you have "never had it" (attraction to her) and yet you married her.

It is pretty clear from your comments that you want the marriage to end.

I think there is a lot you should do prior to divorcing this woman you choose to marry. You really do need to grow up and mature. Maturity is about understanding what commitments mean before you make them and living up to them after you make them. May I suggest some individual counseling with someone who understands your culture and talking to some male relatives in your culture about your situation or about what they have seen others do in your situation.

Good luck but I don't see this ending well in the long term.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

,


Young at Heart said:


> I am now at a complete loss.
> 
> You say you no longer respect her You say you want to "train" her in a way that will make you sexually attracted to her. And you say you have "never had it" (attraction to her) and yet you married her.
> 
> ...


I agree with Young at Heart! This will probably not end well. And it does sound to me too,that you want the marriage to end. Several very good ideas have been suggested and it seems like you have just glossed over them. For whatever reason you just can't put your heart in this marriage. In my opinion, you should decide you are going to give it your all to one final effort - say for one more year (or other pre-determined time limit) Then really put all you got into making this work . Talk to her and be honest with her about how you feel and what you are doing. Talk to your family and let them know whats going on - and find a professional who knows your culture to help you. Then give it all you got. Young at Heart gave you some great ideas and resources. 

IF you can't do this, then get out now. You are only going to drag out the pain for her by staying in longer if you can't love her and commit to her. And please, whatever choice you choose, make sure you do everything possible to not get her pregnant until you do love her and are committed to the marriage!!!!


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> This cannot be fixed because you are not motivate to love her. Love is a choice, one that you are not making.
> 
> You really should divorce her. And do whatever works in your culture so that she is not disgraced. Return to her any money she and/or her family put into this marriage.


You have a lot of good stuff on the forum *EleGirl* and you showed me here that you actually do have more than just the capacity for understanding western marriages.

*bob7878* - it isn't as easy as some of the posters unfamiliar with this culture are making it now, is it? Once you've gone down the road of accepting an arranged marriage you obligated yourself to some traditions you are really abandoning and bringing on disgrace that western marriages don't have.

The nine year gap isn't "massive", lol. That isn't even trying. Mine is over three decades and I know people with more than four. Wow, there is a couple I met in January that is just so heart-warming to see how much they love each other with over 40 years difference. 

If you put this same thread on a discussion board in India they would be hammering you, just pulverizing you into bits of grit. And you know that. The fact you are on a western board - that is going to give you all their ideas about romantic love preceding marriage.

How is it then that you make up for the disgrace this girl, her family, your family, and yourself that you've caused? Not to put you down over this, but it is a real problem. What are you going to do instead of just leaving her?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bob7878 said:


> thats what im hoping with the help of me training her that i will be sexually attracted to her. If i did dissolve the marriage then i will make sure i date a women and find the correct type for me. it will certainly not be arranged again. But then i ask my self there is no sexual chemistry then how will it just come. ive never had it




‘Train her’ so that you can become sexually attracted to her?
I don’t think so. 
You should train yourself to next time choose a woman who you love and find sexually attractive. It’s not her fault you don’t actually like her. 

You wrote you ‘never had sexual chemistry’. Is it with her or any woman? You never felt sexual attraction to any woman?
Have you ever felt attraction to the same sex? 
You need to listen to yourself; don’t do stuff that you are ‘supposed’ to be doing, with accordance to culture, religion or your own aesthetics. Try to listen to what your biological part really wants and that will tell you what it is you like and choose accordingly in future.
And yes, this marriage is not going to work if there’s no attraction. Raw attraction is one of the most important if not The most important aspect when selecting a partner. You can’t make yourself feel something that your biology won’t let you. Please let her go nicely.


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> ‘Train her’ so that you can become sexually attracted to her?
> I don’t think so.
> You should train yourself to next time choose a woman who you love and find sexually attractive. It’s not her fault you don’t actually like her.
> 
> ...



Ive never had sexual chemistry with my wife, we had a physical relationship after marriage and 1 year on i still dont feel anything for her that way. In the past i have had 3 relationships with strong chemistry and had great intense sex. Im still horny as **** but dont want to engage with my wife. Ive been having issues now for a year and i have been working at trying to get that chemistry hence why im training her so we can build that chemistry as i think maybe that will help as im more into women who are more curvy side. Im getting alot of stick on this forum for not showing commitment but i am still here and trying. some would have left after 6 months but im still trying to build that chemistry. But then i dont know if it will ever come.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

bob7878 said:


> Ive never had sexual chemistry with my wife, we had a physical relationship after marriage and 1 year on i still dont feel anything for her that way. In the past i have had 3 relationships with strong chemistry and had great intense sex. Im still horny as **** but dont want to engage with my wife. Ive been having issues now for a year and i have been working at trying to get that chemistry hence why im training her so we can build that chemistry as i think maybe that will help as im more into women who are more curvy side. Im getting alot of stick on this forum for not showing commitment but i am still here and trying. some would have left after 6 months but im still trying to build that chemistry. But then i dont know if it will ever come.




How are you planning to ‘train’ her? You mean feed her more? Is that going to fix it in your opinion?




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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

Im into weight training and as shes still underwight im helping her weight train also so she can gain weight for her self and hopefully i can be more into her. But then that doesn't explain why i dont like kissing her. When she comes in for kiss i kinda just like quickly kiss and dont want to engage and start snogging more, in past relationships i loved kissing and turning ex on. I dnt want to do anything, its not even the fact im bored as i never experienced any desire towards wife since day 1 of marraige. Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

bob7878 said:


> Im into weight training and as shes still underwight im helping her weight train also so she can gain weight for her self and hopefully i can be more into her. But then that doesn't explain why i dont like kissing her. When she comes in for kiss i kinda just like quickly kiss and dont want to engage and start snogging more, in past relationships i loved kissing and turning ex on. I dnt want to do anything, its not even the fact im bored as i never experienced any desire towards wife since day 1 of marraige. Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?



Im into weight training and as shes still underwight im helping her weight train also so she can gain weight for her self and hopefully i can be more into her. But then that doesn't explain why i dont like kissing her. When she comes in for kiss i kinda just like quickly kiss and dont want to engage and start snogging more, in past relationships i loved kissing and turning ex on. I dnt want to do anything, its not even the fact im bored as i never experienced any desire towards wife since day 1 of marraige. Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?


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## bob7878 (Mar 22, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> bob7878 said:
> 
> 
> > Ive never had sexual chemistry with my wife, we had a physical relationship after marriage and 1 year on i still dont feel anything for her that way. In the past i have had 3 relationships with strong chemistry and had great intense sex. Im still horny as **** but dont want to engage with my wife. Ive been having issues now for a year and i have been working at trying to get that chemistry hence why im training her so we can build that chemistry as i think maybe that will help as im more into women who are more curvy side. Im getting alot of stick on this forum for not showing commitment but i am still here and trying. some would have left after 6 months but im still trying to build that chemistry. But then i dont know if it will ever come.
> ...




Im into weight training and as shes still underwight im helping her weight train also so she can gain weight for her self and hopefully i can be more into her. But then that doesn't explain why i dont like kissing her. When she comes in for kiss i kinda just like quickly kiss and dont want to engage and start snogging more, in past relationships i loved kissing and turning ex on. I dnt want to do anything, its not even the fact im bored as i never experienced any desire towards wife since day 1 of marraige. Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

bob7878 said:


> Im into weight training and as shes still underwight im helping her weight train also so she can gain weight for her self and hopefully i can be more into her. But then that doesn't explain why i dont like kissing her. When she comes in for kiss i kinda just like quickly kiss and dont want to engage and start snogging more, in past relationships i loved kissing and turning ex on. I dnt want to do anything, its not even the fact im bored as i never experienced any desire towards wife since day 1 of marraige. Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?


Got it. :wink2:

Okay so with your work out and meal plans she has gone from 39kg (86lbs) to 46kg (101lbs). Those are both totally normal weights for a young lady at 5'3". I've dated several (5'2", 5'3", 5'4") and the thin small-cupped ones were 80 something pounds, with the c-cupped and hip-pie one being around 100 healthy pounds. How chunky are you looking for? 68kg (150lbs)? Nothing wrong with that - but you could see before accepting the marriage that your wife is not built like that. You cannot be resentful of Her, when You are the only one that deceived. You deceived her by saying that you wanted to marry her. Unless she wrapped herself in pork chops under her abaya to trick you, she has done nothing wrong.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Why is it that you think a change in her appearance is going to make you want to be with her? You’re missing what everyone has tried to tell you...that attraction is all about chemistry. Appearance may attract initial interest but it takes a lot more than that for intimate satisfaction. Are you really that shallow/ignorant? It sounds like something a teen would say/think. How old are you?

I’m eating popcorn while reading this thread wondering when it’s either going to blow up or blow away 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

bob7878 said:


> Do you think me helping her weight train will help me be more into her?


No.

I favored a certain physical type. Then I met my husband. He's not that type at all. On fact, he's nearly opposite my previous "type". But the chemistry is off the charts and the sex is amazing. It really is about chemistry. You don't have it with her and I don't believe you ever will even is she gains the weight. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I suspect you'll just end up with a few wasted years and a wife you're still not attracted to.

If you're going to stay married, accept you'll never have the sex life you want. If you're not going to stay married and accept a crap sex life, divorce her as soon as possible and let her take advantage of her youth and find another husband who will love her romantically and give her the babies she wants.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> No.
> 
> I favored a certain physical type. Then I met my husband. He's not that type at all. On fact, he's nearly opposite my previous "type". But the chemistry is off the charts and the sex is amazing. It really is about chemistry. You don't have it with her and I don't believe you ever will even is she gains the weight. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I suspect you'll just end up with a few wasted years and a wife you're still not attracted to.
> 
> If you're going to stay married, accept you'll never have the sex life you want. If you're not going to stay married and accept a crap sex life, divorce her as soon as possible and let her take advantage of her youth and find another husband who will love her romantically and give her the babies she wants.


I agree. My wife is also not my type. But the chemistry is there. Conversely, for those I dated who were my type, the chemistry wasn't. Having, or getting, the type is unlikely to affect chemistry. 

I hate to say it, but at least on the sexual front, this one was doomed from the get-go. As crushed as she may be, the earlier she is cut loose, the better off she'll be.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bob7878 said:


> Ive never had sexual chemistry with my wife, we had a physical relationship after marriage and 1 year on i still dont feel anything for her that way. In the past i have had 3 relationships with strong chemistry and had great intense sex. Im still horny as **** but dont want to engage with my wife. Ive been having issues now for a year and i have been working at trying to get that chemistry hence why im training her so we can build that chemistry as i think maybe that will help as im more into women who are more curvy side. Im getting alot of stick on this forum for not showing commitment but i am still here and trying. some would have left after 6 months but im still trying to build that chemistry. But then i dont know if it will ever come.


I applaud you for still being in the marriage, however didn’t you know what an arranged marriage entailed? Do you have an
cousins etc you can ask about the process. In arranged marriages I understand the love and companionship comes later. You must try and build the relationship with her, create memories together, do activities together. 
Is the girl from India or your home country? If the former then you will have to consider her different culture ( not so westernised). You sound as if you were brought up in a western environment so this is probably difficult. This is not the first time this has happened in an arranged marriage so I am sure there are people in your community, temple, etc that you could talk to about this. Statistics show that arranged marriages are usually successful because of the involvement of family etc. Don’t give up and stop comparing to your other relationships, they were not marriage. Keep channels of communication open and seek help within your community.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bob7878 said:


> ...... *but i am still here and trying*. some would have left after 6 months but im *still trying to build that chemistry*. But then i dont know if it will ever come.


Have you tried marriage counseling?

Have you tried individual counseling for yourself?

Have you tried marriage counseling with your wife from a Sex Therapist?

Have you tried talking to male relatives about your situation and what they or their friends have done in similar situations?

Have you gotten the Gottman's Art and Science of Love book and tried the intimacy/bonding rituals?

Have you tried the 36 questions?

Have you tried talking to your wife about what you and she visualize a good marriage to entail?


The point you make is that you say you are still trying. What are you doing to build chemistry with your wife. In particular what are you doing to change yourself, as opposed to trying to change her.

Good luck. My heart goes out for your wife. You will emotionally survive.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dude, you were at the scene of the crime. You saw her, and married her. NOW you have to figure out HOW TO MAKE IT WORK.

how about, for starters, take her to a lingerie store, and buy her a bunch of lingerie....some you love, and some she loves, then run home and have her model them all for you.


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