# Trapped in a sexless marriage



## Frustrated.com (Jun 12, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we are in our late 30s (married as teens). We have one awesome teenage child together. Our sex life was great until about 2-3 years ago, naturally reducing in quantity over the years but still great. As of now, we haven't had sex for nearly 6 months, apart from one failed attempt 3 months ago. My husband has been under lots of stress at work and is currently taking time off to de-stress, I am very supportive of this which he thanks me for regularly. He has lots of hobbies and seems really happy with life, outside and inside the home. He's very affectionate, tells me he loves me a few times a day. But confessed during a row about sex last October that he just doesn't think about sex anymore and therefore doesn't desire it. This made me feel like ****. I haven't let myself go and have said that to him, he said he still finds me attractive but he must be lying surely? We made more of a joint effort and things were ok for about a month or so. I have since just lost all desire to have sex with him, but I worryingly am dreaming about sex with strangers. I have a moderately high sex drive. We have tried scheduling sex, which is often recommended, but he says he can't do it "on demand". He also says I'm not affectionate enough, never have been, but I do make a concerted effort because I know it's important to him. We've tries toys to spice things up too, works for 5 mins. I'm gradually becoming more resentful and I can see he can feel it but I don't want to bring it up again because he's dealing with his work stress and don't want to add to it. We just spent a weekend away together, we had great fun but absolutely no sex whatsoever, barely a kiss. He often talks about the future and us having more time together and trips we can take etc and we do have date nights when we can so we do spend time together. I've suggested marriage counselling but he says we don't need it. He also says that there's more to marriage/relationships than sex and that we can be intimate in other ways. I really don't know where to go from here.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Frustrated.com said:


> My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we are in our late 30s (married as teens). We have one awesome teenage child together. Our sex life was great until about 2-3 years ago, naturally reducing in quantity over the years but still great. As of now, we haven't had sex for nearly 6 months, apart from one failed attempt 3 months ago. My husband has been under lots of stress at work and is currently taking time off to de-stress, I am very supportive of this which he thanks me for regularly. He has lots of hobbies and seems really happy with life, outside and inside the home. He's very affectionate, tells me he loves me a few times a day. But confessed during a row about sex last October that he just doesn't think about sex anymore and therefore doesn't desire it. This made me feel like ****. I haven't let myself go and have said that to him, he said he still finds me attractive but he must be lying surely? We made more of a joint effort and things were ok for about a month or so. I have since just lost all desire to have sex with him, but I worryingly am dreaming about sex with strangers. I have a moderately high sex drive. We have tried scheduling sex, which is often recommended, but he says he can't do it "on demand". He also says I'm not affectionate enough, never have been, but I do make a concerted effort because I know it's important to him. We've tries toys to spice things up too, works for 5 mins. I'm gradually becoming more resentful and I can see he can feel it but I don't want to bring it up again because he's dealing with his work stress and don't want to add to it. We just spent a weekend away together, we had great fun but absolutely no sex whatsoever, barely a kiss. He often talks about the future and us having more time together and trips we can take etc and we do have date nights when we can so we do spend time together. I've suggested marriage counselling but he says we don't need it. He also says that there's more to marriage/relationships than sex and that we can be intimate in other ways. I really don't know where to go from here.


Couple of questions;

- how did it fail 3 months ago, like couldn't get hard or ?
- I'm guessing you have had heart to heart talks with him about this on how important it is or just assumed he knows how you are feeling? Not sure it would matter but just making sure.
- how often are you initiating sex, trying to seduce him spontaneously, etc

Comments;
- uh yeah, a healthy male in their late 30s can do it on demand and 10 minutes later on demand again 
- if there are other ways to be intimate, would be great if you could elaborate on those!
- the weekend together, did you hope he would initiate or did you try to initiate and get turned down?

This could be stress, could be testosterone levels or it could be something else but sorry Husband, I'm pulling for you and I want this to work but dude you need to get into Marriage Counseling vs. the alternative. There is more to marriage than sex but a lot of other stuff won't make up for NO sex.

Have a heart to heart with him on how important this is, tell him how you are feeling (minus the thinking about sex with strangers part) and tell him you love him and want to work on this with him but it would be best to do in Marriage counseling. Hopefully he just isn't too proud for that because that's BS. So many 'healthy' couples partake in MC.


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## Frustrated.com (Jun 12, 2018)

@stillfightingforus neither initiated sex over the weekend. I didn't want to add any pressure as he's currently dealing with work stress (although I think sex would be a good de-stress!).

I have talked about how I feel, in a calm and understanding way so as not to make him feel worse. In fact, I used to always say how I feel, don't bottle things up, if my face doesn't say it then my mouth will. But generally we don't argue.

It failed a few months ago because he lost his erection after about 30 seconds, he didn't seem bothered and said we'd try again later - we didn't.

I was initiating it but getting no where, so I have given up. I asked him what turns him on and he said just me being affectionate?! Cuddling and kissing. But not just a one off to get sex in return, he wants it all the time! I have never been like that. We do cuddle and kiss when leaving for work, going to sleep etc. He says he's tired or stressed, I have even pleasured him only to help with the stress and told him not to worry about me etc but here were are months later and he has taken it very literally.

Intimate I'm other ways means everything but intercourse. That's all fine but I miss penetration. 

Also, a month ago he started taking anti anxiety meds which I worry will effect his libido even more, I haven't mentioned this. 

I miss sex and I miss that level of intimacy with him, but I honestly don't know what more I can do to make him happy. I'm at the stage where I don't even want to hug him anymore. I have researched ways to reignite passion but my self esteem has just plummeted recently. He holds all of the control, even if he did approach me for sex I think I'd turn him down now out of spite - why should he get it whenever he wants it and I have to wait for him all of the time?!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Frustrated.com said:


> This made me feel like ****. I haven't let myself go and have said that to him, he said he still finds me attractive but he must be lying surely? We made more of a joint effort and things were ok for about a month or so. I have since just lost all desire to have sex with him, but I worryingly am dreaming about sex with strangers.


First, don't let this affect your own self confidence. It seems like sex is the main issue you are dealing with here and there a quite a few perfectly reasonable explanations as to why he is were he is right now. The good thing is it doesn't sound like he is checked out of the marriage.

Stress is the most unhealthy part of our lives. There really is no habit or bad behavior that does more damage in more ways than high sustained levels of stress in our lives. Your husband needs to go to a therapist or psychiatrist to deal with his stress, he could be suffering from mild depression as a result of the stress. 

Hormones can play a big factor, he should go to the doc and discuss the issue and have his hormone levels looked at. 

I know this is tough and his stress leaves him no motivation to tackle other problems but he needs to come to the realization that his marriage is in jeopardy if he does put the effort in. Be gentle as his stress might be making him a little mentally fragile. But doing it now while he is taking a break from work is the perfect time to work on this for himself and his marriage. Once he gets through this he will look back with bewilderment as to what the hell he was doing by not addressing it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My suggestion is three-fold.

Talk to him and tell him how much you love him and how much you want to be part of his sex life.

Have him go to a doctor to get checked out. All kinds of things like stress, sleep apnea, low T levels, type 2 diabetes can cause low libido or ED. ED is not as uncommon as people think.

Finally, go to a marriage counselor that has training as a sex therapist and discuss your feelings, hopes and desires together and get suggestions on how to reconnect intimately.

A good book to read is MW Davis the sex starved wife.

Good luck.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Frustrated.com said:


> @stillfightingforus
> I miss sex and I miss that level of intimacy with him, but I honestly don't know what more I can do to make him happy.
> Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him happy.
> He has to want to be happy, and he has to want it bad enough
> ...


The ball's in his court as to how to handle the feelings you have made crystal clear. The ball's in your court as to how you respond to him if he doesn't work hard to improve things as necessary.


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## Frustrated.com (Jun 12, 2018)

@happyhusband0005 He definitely hasn't checked out of the marriage, he's very attentive, kind and loving. I do think there is some depression there and he is going to start counselling next week. He assures me it is just work related, but I do wonder. Everything else in his life his great, he's always busy with hobbies and friends, I never get in the way of that.

I have been very kind and gentle since he opened up a few months ago about feeling stressed and anxious - this is new, has never been a problem before. He had been to the doctor and now on meds, you may have missed that bit as mentioned in my second post. I am being the caring, understanding wife I should be. He regularly thanks me for that so I know I'm doing good.

The lack of sex started 2-3 years ago so can't just be the recent bout of stress. It started to dwindle to once or twice a month a first to every 2-3 months - I first started mentioning the problem around this stage which was about 2 years ago. Last year totalled about 4 times max. And now nothing for 6 months (apart from an impromptu attempt 3 months ago, maybe 4 months actually).


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## Frustrated.com (Jun 12, 2018)

@youngatheart
Talk to him and tell him how much you love him and how much you want to be part of his sex life. 
-> done this many times.

Have him go to a doctor to get checked out. All kinds of things like stress, sleep apnea, low T levels, type 2 diabetes can cause low libido or ED. ED is not as uncommon as people think. 
-> he been to see a doctor but just came back with a prescription for anti anxiety pills, he didn't say much more about it.

Finally, go to a marriage counselor that has training as a sex therapist and discuss your feelings, hopes and desires together and get suggestions on how to reconnect intimately.
-> I have suggested this a few times, but he is adamant he won't do it. Although I is going to try counselling for his stress soon so maybe he'll discuss our marriage too, I don't know. He doesn't think there's a problem, which is a big part of the problem.

A good book to read is MW Davis the sex starved wife.
-> I will check this out, thank you!

Good luck.
-> thanks, I need it


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Frustrated.com said:


> @happyhusband0005 He definitely hasn't checked out of the marriage, he's very attentive, kind and loving. I do think there is some depression there and he is going to start counselling next week. He assures me it is just work related, but I do wonder. Everything else in his life his great, he's always busy with hobbies and friends, I never get in the way of that.
> 
> I have been very kind and gentle since he opened up a few months ago about feeling stressed and anxious - this is new, has never been a problem before. He had been to the doctor and now on meds, you may have missed that bit as mentioned in my second post. I am being the caring, understanding wife I should be. He regularly thanks me for that so I know I'm doing good.
> 
> The lack of sex started 2-3 years ago so can't just be the recent bout of stress. It started to dwindle to once or twice a month a first to every 2-3 months - I first started mentioning the problem around this stage which was about 2 years ago. Last year totalled about 4 times max. And now nothing for 6 months (apart from an impromptu attempt 3 months ago, maybe 4 months actually).


It would seem to me that for it to get to the point of him needing to take time off to destress, this must have been going on and getting worse and worse for a while so the stress very well could be the cause. But it is likely a bunch of factors. 

It is not your responsibility to fix this for him, it sounds like you have been doing very well in being supportive and helpful, but he needs to take the necessary steps and do the work to get back to normal. 

If I were him I would go online and find a shady online hormone replacement clinic that would prescribe me injectable testosterone at 200mgs per week. Stress or not he'd be all over you all the time. I'm not recommending this HRT should always be done under the direct supervision of a doctor yada yada.

It's a problem that needs to be solved but it sounds like you two are in a far better position than others with lack of sex issues.


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## Frustrated.com (Jun 12, 2018)

I guess I'll just have to be patient and try not to take it personally. For now at least anyway.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

My guess is he views porn and takes care of his own needs, or doesn't view porn, but takes care of his own needs, and just doesn't care about yours. He might be loving in other ways, but he's selfish in this way. Unless there's a medical issue, no way I will believe a healthy guy at his age just isn't interested in sex. No way. 

I think I'd ask that question, and see his reaction. Not in a mean accusing way, but somewhere...there is an answer to why he refuses to have sex with you.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Frustrated.com said:


> My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we are in our late 30s (married as teens). We have one awesome teenage child together. Our sex life was great until about 2-3 years ago, naturally reducing in quantity over the years but still great. As of now, we haven't had sex for nearly 6 months, apart from one failed attempt 3 months ago. My husband has been under lots of stress at work and is currently taking time off to de-stress, I am very supportive of this which he thanks me for regularly. He has lots of hobbies and seems really happy with life, outside and inside the home. He's very affectionate, tells me he loves me a few times a day. But confessed during a row about sex last October that he just doesn't think about sex anymore and therefore doesn't desire it. This made me feel like ****. I haven't let myself go and have said that to him, he said he still finds me attractive but he must be lying surely? We made more of a joint effort and things were ok for about a month or so. I have since just lost all desire to have sex with him, but I worryingly am dreaming about sex with strangers. I have a moderately high sex drive. We have tried scheduling sex, which is often recommended, but he says he can't do it "on demand". He also says I'm not affectionate enough, never have been, but I do make a concerted effort because I know it's important to him. We've tries toys to spice things up too, works for 5 mins. I'm gradually becoming more resentful and I can see he can feel it but I don't want to bring it up again because he's dealing with his work stress and don't want to add to it. We just spent a weekend away together, we had great fun but absolutely no sex whatsoever, barely a kiss. He often talks about the future and us having more time together and trips we can take etc and we do have date nights when we can so we do spend time together. I've suggested marriage counselling but he says we don't need it. He also says that there's more to marriage/relationships than sex and that we can be intimate in other ways. I really don't know where to go from here.



OP, have you genuinely considered that your husband's lacking desire is being impacted by stress, your unwillingness to meet his emotional needs and the pressure you place on him to perform? And I don't mean with the underlying views that: a man is not supposed to be emotional, men being vulnerable is a form of weakness, a normal man is always ready and willing to have sex, a normal man gets instantly turned on with a hard on, a normal man is aggressive and can handle any tough **** that comes his way. 

I mean from the perspective that these are all poor assumptions that women make that places pressure on men to be this image of strength when underneath they could be crumbling from stress and desperate for gentle, loving affection. Your husband is taking anti-anxiety pills and he has only recently confided in you how stressed out he is. I don't know about your husband but it takes my partner's world to be falling apart for him to admit to me that things aren't ok and he needs help. And even then, he will minimize how bad it is because he doesn't want me to worry or feel bad for him. 

Your husband tells you he needs cuddles etc and you say, this is not who you are. I'll tell you OP if a woman came here claiming that her husband was frustrated with her lack of interest in sex but he had little interest in non-sexual intimacy, we would all be able to relate to why her husband's unwillingness to meet her emotional needs was resulting in her lacking sexual desire. You said you've tried somewhat with the cuddling etc., how much effort have you seriously put in? Can your husband read your disdain towards him wanting non sexual intimacy "all the time" that comes across so clearly in your posts? Of course! 

You said you tried for a while but it wasn't getting you anywhere. How long did you try? And how committed were you to it? Again if a woman came here complaining that her husband was pressuring her for sex despite ignoring her need for nonsexual intimacy for years, then putting in effort for a few weeks and expecting her to suddenly be all wild and horny, we would say he was being incredibly unrealistic.

Stress has a drastic impact on my sexual desire. It plummets! What if this is also the case for your husband? Not because he only recently admitted how stressed he was means it's only recently been a problem. If this is indeed the case, the added stress of a wife who's frustrated with his disinterest in sex and a wife who is dismissive of his need for non-sexual intimacy is not going to help. 

I think you need to put aside you for a while and focus on helping your husband deal with his stress/depression/anxiety. The man desperately needs you!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Frustrated.com said:


> My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years, we are in our late 30s (married as teens). We have one awesome teenage child together. Our sex life was great until about 2-3 years ago, naturally reducing in quantity over the years but still great. As of now, we haven't had sex for nearly 6 months, apart from one failed attempt 3 months ago. My husband has been under lots of stress at work and is currently taking time off to de-stress, I am very supportive of this which he thanks me for regularly. He has lots of hobbies and seems really happy with life, outside and inside the home. He's very affectionate, tells me he loves me a few times a day. But confessed during a row about sex last October that he just doesn't think about sex anymore and therefore doesn't desire it. This made me feel like ****. I haven't let myself go and have said that to him, he said he still finds me attractive but he must be lying surely? We made more of a joint effort and things were ok for about a month or so. I have since just lost all desire to have sex with him, but I worryingly am dreaming about sex with strangers. I have a moderately high sex drive. We have tried scheduling sex, which is often recommended, but he says he can't do it "on demand". He also says I'm not affectionate enough, never have been, but I do make a concerted effort because I know it's important to him. We've tries toys to spice things up too, works for 5 mins. I'm gradually becoming more resentful and I can see he can feel it but I don't want to bring it up again because he's dealing with his work stress and don't want to add to it. We just spent a weekend away together, we had great fun but absolutely no sex whatsoever, barely a kiss. He often talks about the future and us having more time together and trips we can take etc and we do have date nights when we can so we do spend time together. I've suggested marriage counselling but he says we don't need it. He also says that there's more to marriage/relationships than sex and that we can be intimate in other ways. I really don't know where to go from here.


First off don't cheat! Don't ruin your honor and 20 years of marriage and destroy your dignity in a way that won't fix this. What you should do is tell him where you are is unsustainable and if you don't fix it he will lose his wife. There are plenty of things he can do. He should go see a doctor. If he is looking at porn he can stop. If he has some ideas that could help him get more excited he should tell you. 

Whatever it is he needs to see this as a possible marriage ending problem and he needs to be and active participant in the solution. However if you want to call yourself a good spouse you need to have the courage to tell him the truth.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Frustrated.com said:


> @youngatheart
> Talk to him and tell him how much you love him and how much you want to be part of his sex life.
> -> done this many times.
> 
> ...


Make sure the pills aren't Zoloft. That can cause ED.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Frustrated.com said:


> .....Finally, go to a marriage counselor that has training as a sex therapist and discuss your feelings, hopes and desires together and get suggestions on how to reconnect intimately.
> *-> I have suggested this a few times, but he is adamant he won't do it. Although I is going to try counselling for his stress soon so maybe he'll discuss our marriage too, I don't know. He doesn't think there's a problem, which is a big part of the problem..*..


Have you asked him why?

Have you asked him if he is afraid of something?

Tell him that any counselor worth their salt will not be judgemental, but will work with the both of you.

One of the things that sex therapists are good at is providing couples with reading homework and exercises they can do together that will build intimacy even if there isn't sex. They can suggest alternatives to PIV sex that can help you rebuild intimacy. Sensate focus exercises are pretty standard. In fact some of the best approaches can create "bonding rituals" that create intimacy without sex. Sue Johnson's EFT and Gottmans' 6hrs a week approaches can do a lot to create close feelings of intimacy even without sex.

Again. good luck.

Some people try to get medical insurance to pay for mental health counseling, but fear it is a black mark against them. If so, you can always pay cash, an tell the counselor that you want your records kept confidential.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

9 times out of 10, "Stress" is simply poppycock. Everyone has stress. A healthy male who is attracted to a responsive partner and is not in an affair or spanking to porn every day will be interested in a sex life and will be able to make love to their partner regardless of what kind of deadline is coming up at work or no matter how much of a jerk their boss is. People have sex in war zones and areas hit by floods and fires earthquakes etc all the time. 'stress' is usually an excuse to get someone off your back. 

The real reason(s) for a man in his 30s to reject his wife are -

- Loss of attraction to his wife (and a 20-30lb weight gain is not going to do this. Not showering or brushing your teeth for weeks at a time and a 100lb weight gain will) 

- A medical issue (diabetes, hypertention, vascular disease etc)

- A psychological issue (ie depression etc)

- medication (some antidepressants are notorious for killing libido/hampering orgasm etc) 

- spanking to porn all the time.

- having an affair with someone else. 

- a complete and total breakdown of relationship and severe and chronic resentment and bitterness towards wife. 

-homosexuality. 

That's it. Those are pretty much the only real world reasons a man in his 30s would lose interest/ability to have a sex life with his wife. 

It is one or a combination of those reasons. 

First step would be to insist on a complete medical and psychological workup with his doctor to rule out low testosterone or diabetes or depression etc and review any medications that he may be on. 

Next step would be to get into his computer, phone, email, social media etc and see if there is any evidence of frequent, chronic porn use or another woman (man?).


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"i think you need to put aside you for a while and focus on helping your husband deal with his stress/depression/anxiety. The man desperately needs you!"

I think she's been doing this to her detriment...for MONTHS.

SHE desperately needs HIM!

SMH


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Id be surprised that a healthy man, with normal testosterone levels, can go that long without release.... especially if he has a willing partner.

1) get his T levels checked
2) find out if he is getting release somewhere else (porn/masturbation could be a problem)


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You should investigate his porn use and not just ask about it. It seems to be a modern epidemic. LowT, stress.... hogwash.... These can't kill a young man's libido.


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

Speaking as a husband of a wife that went through a 14-year dry spell, sexually, I can confirm there ARE indeed things that can kill a person's libido.

My wife's libido died about 10 years into our marriage. It wasn't because our kids were making her tired. It wasn't because she found me unattractive. It wasn't because she didn't feel loved. It took us almost 14 years to figure out the problem, but we finally did, and the root cause turned out to be hypothyroidism. It was throwing off her body, making it difficult for her to produce any testosterone, and messing with her in many ways. There were several false starts in our road to figuring out the issue; low testosterone was discovered after many years, then we found she was also affected by gluten, and finally the thyroid issue. When we solved that, suddenly her libido returned, with teeth! It took about 3 or 4 months to see the difference, but the change was night and day! Before, she simply didn't care about sex; no desire for it. After her body started working right, suddenly she wanted me every day. It was like a switch was flipped inside her. 

Don't give up. If I had given up on my wife, I could have lost the best thing that every happened to me. Today our sex life is wonderful. I'm not saying your husband's problem is medical, but it COULD be.


Yours,


H.


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