# Need help to stop snooping



## nachopenguin

Hello folks, I am a new user in this forum. I've been lurking for a while. I'm hoping I can get some help here.

I've been married to a wonderful man for 6 years. We've been together for over 12. He is a devoted husband and a loving father. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

The issues are within me. I trust him implicitly, but I can't stop snooping on him. A few months ago, I messed around on his phone and I discovered some porn websites he visits. Since then, it's become an obsession for me. The sites bother me a little, but I don't want them to. It makes me sad that I'm not "enough" for him, but I can understand a man's desire to look at other women. I want to be okay with it, and in reality I am.

On one of the sites, he leaves himself logged in. Because of that, I can go visit his profile on the site and see every time he visits. I check his profile ALL the time, and every time I see he's logged in I get upset about it, and I don't know why.

Long story short: I googled his screen name, which led me to other sites, and a secret e-mail address that he never told me about. I guessed the password and accessed the email. There was nothing really in there that I didn't expect -- no secret lovers, no trolling for sex, no cheating at all. Just registrations on various sites. 

I also discovered through my snooping that he had been writing erotica online. I read his stories and I was distraught with guilt for reading them, but also that my feelings were hurt that he spent so much time writing these long, elaborate stories and sharing them with strangers, and not me. He barely sends me a paragraph email saying hello during work days, but yet he writes little novellas online. 

I drove myself crazy with this knowledge, and one day I eventually broke down and told him everything: That I'd been snooping, that I found his secret email address, that I read his stories. It ended up being a really nice discussion, and in the weeks since, his stories have come up in conversation/jokes/etc and things have even heated up in the bedroom.

One night, he told me that after we had that conversation he logged into his secret email. He said that since it had been so long that he logged in, he had a hard time getting into it. He told me what was in it -- but what he told me didn't jive with what I knew was in there. Basically, he admitted to having a SECOND secret email address. He told me the address and said that he assumed that it was the one that I had found. I immediately got that sick feeling again, and I told him that I was upset that there was a second address that I didn't know about. He apologized, and gave me some explanation as to why he created the second account, which I believe to some degree. I told him that I believed him, and that I trusted him, and that I was okay.

Well, I'm not okay. I've become obsessed with figuring out the password to this email. I know what I'll find inside -- maybe some more site registrations, some feedback to his stories (that's what he told me was in there). I know he's not doing anything "wrong" and that I need to just let it go but I cannot stop. I've tried all the passwords he uses for everything else, I've even gone so far as keeping a log of the passwords I have tried. It's driving me crazy. I'm dropping weight (not necessarily a bad thing) because I can't eat, I'm making myself physically sick.

One of the reasons I'm here right now, in fact, is because I need something to occupy myself from checking his profile on that first site. He's working from home today, and right about now is his usual "check the site" time, and I know that I'll go there and see that he's logged in and I will get all upset about it.

I want to stop. I trust my husband, I know that he's not doing anything wrong and this is MY problem and not his. I'm driving myself crazy. Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this? What do I do? How did you stop?

Thank you so much if you've read this far. I'm sorry this is so long.


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## PBear

Stop lying to him by telling him you're ok with things when you're not. You need to get things out in the open and deal with it, or this will continue to fester and build pain, resentments, and frustration. If you can't talk to him on your own, start thinking about counseling. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

I feel this statement, "I trust him implicitly, but I can't stop snooping on him." Is a contradiction. I mean how can you say you trust him but then snoop? 

I do not know how to tell you stop other than you will have to make yourself. Do you work? Have any hobbies etc? If so you need to focus more on that, keep yourself busy. 

You need to call it for what it is. That is you say you are ok with all the porn, but are you really? Have you convinced yourself that as long as he isn't looking to hook up or chatting with girls online that what he is doing is acceptable to you? If you don't care for the porn its ok, you have the right to feel that way. But you need to get to the root of why you really feel the need to snoop.


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## Almostrecovered

ask him for the password

and re-establish boundaries of transparency

privacy is not secrecy


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## trey69

Are you ok or not ok with the porn? IMO it doesn't like you are, and thats the main reason for the snooping, unless maybe you feel the porn could possiblely lead to something more. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. So these secret email accounts he has is not a good sign. Does he know you don't care for the porn and maybe thats why the secrecy of the emails? Or does he think you're ok with the porn?


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## nachopenguin

I'm okay with it, in theory. I don't think that porn is a bad thing. It doesn't affect our sex life at all - we have an active and healthy sex life, I know he loves me and is attracted to me. The only thing about the porn that bothers me is my own self-esteem issues and like I said, that's my issue and not his.

I'm pretty sure that the secret email accounts were because of his own embarrassment. It's not that he has "something to hide," it's that he's embarrassed. It's not your average porn -- it's kind of "fetishy" but nothing illegal/too weird. We've talked openly about it, especially after I found the stories. It's just this overwhelming need to KNOW that's getting to me. I don't know why I feel this need.


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## trey69

nachopenguin said:


> I'm okay with it, in theory. I don't think that porn is a bad thing. It doesn't affect our sex life at all - we have an active and healthy sex life, I know he loves me and is attracted to me. The only thing about the porn that bothers me is my own self-esteem issues and like I said, that's my issue and not his.
> 
> I'm pretty sure that the secret email accounts were because of his own embarrassment. It's not that he has "something to hide," it's that he's embarrassed. It's not your average porn -- it's kind of "fetishy" but nothing illegal/too weird. We've talked openly about it, especially after I found the stories. It's just this overwhelming need to KNOW that's getting to me. I don't know why I feel this need.


I don't know either what this overwhelming need to snoop is, but I have a feeling if you don't maybe seek some help for it, it could be the downfall of your relationship.


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## nachopenguin

Thanks trey -- I've been in counseling before and I am planning on going again soon. I was seeing a counselor a couple years ago, but he was an hour's drive away. I started seeing him when I worked near his office, but then I changed jobs. I continued to make the drive, but then got pregnant and had a baby. She's a toddler now, I work full time, DH goes to school a couple nights a week and I am involved in a hobby that takes me one night a week... there's just no time to see him and I *hate* starting all over with a new therapist. Summer's coming - his classes are ending and my hobby stops over the summer as well. I know I have to suck it up and find someone. It'll help, it always does. I guess that's why I posted here in the meanwhile, to get it off my chest a little and give me an outlet until I can see someone.


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## trey69

May I ask why you saw a counselor before? Was it for the snooping then too, or another issue?


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## nachopenguin

I've been in counseling my whole life, on and off. I come from a kind of effed up family... That particular therapist I started seeing for, among other reasons, to work through some communications issues we were having. He saw a therapist too and things are better on that front and have been for a long time. We work through hard times and any issues very well.


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## nice777guy

Let me ask you this:

Have you always been this concerned with what he's doing?

He's been lying to you - by omission. But those are still some of the biggest lies.

For 15 years of marriage, I never checked phone records, never looked for "secret" accounts, etc. Until I started noticing some odd things with my (ex) wife's behavior.

Like you - I became obsessed with finding evidence.

He's lied by ommission - AND he's only telling you just enough to curb your suspicions temporarily. This is called "Trickle Truth" - and its very damaging to a relationship.

He needs to come forward with EVERYTHING. He needs to make you feel comfortable that you know everything. And - he needs to allow you to "snoop" until you feel satisfied.

And - until he comes forward with EVERYTHING - maybe you shouldn't try to convince yourself that all of this is really OK with you.

Talk to him - tell him how uncomfortable you are - and put the burden on HIS shoulders to begin to make things right.

Good luck...


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## nachopenguin

nice: I've always been concerned, kind of. It's hard to explain. I'm not sure what he needs to come forward with, I feel like I know the important stuff and the stuff I don't know is more of the same. He's a good man, I truly don't believe that I am going to find anything that would surprise me. Even the stories I found, while a little jolting, not shocking to the extent of it's something I didn't ever think he'd do. Honestly, I had wondered if he had ever done that. I should talk to him again. Maybe I could ask him if we could log into the account together.


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## nice777guy

nachopenguin said:


> nice: I've always been concerned, kind of. It's hard to explain. I'm not sure what he needs to come forward with, I feel like I know the important stuff and the stuff I don't know is more of the same. He's a good man, I truly don't believe that I am going to find anything that would surprise me. Even the stories I found, while a little jolting, not shocking to the extent of it's something I didn't ever think he'd do. Honestly, I had wondered if he had ever done that. I should talk to him again. Maybe I could ask him if we could log into the account together.


For example - when he "came forward" and told you about his e-mail account - you knew he was only telling you a partial truth. 

Why didn't he tell you the whole truth?

We snoop because our gut tells us something isn't right. If you were really OK with all of this - you wouldn't be here.

You need to talk to him and let him know how this is making you feel.


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## Browncoat

I agree completely with Nice777guy. While he might have kept secrets before because of shame, at this point he's opened up... so why should he not open up all the way? IMO, it's that question that's plaguing you.

He needs to be 100% transparent with you. My wife trusts me because I tell her everything, even the things I'm not proud of. I want to earn and maintain that trust, I value that trust highly. I would ask that your husband make that a value in his life.

For your sake he needs to prize gaining your trust at ever opportunity.

Continue therapy by all means, but do not talk yourself out of requiring his complete honesty and transparency. You've more than proven that you can handle it (and you deserve it!).


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## CandieGirl

The one thing that glares out at me is that your husband is getting 'feedback' from his erotica stories. That's not good, and that may be part and parcel for the reason he's kept the email accounts secret from you.

Lying by omission is tough, because they truly don't believe that they're lying. In their minds, they're protecting you. And believe me when I tell you that I know it has the exact opposite effect.


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## nachopenguin

The feedback he gets is through the administrator of the site -- They don't contact him personally, but the site admin, who forwards it to him. There is no contact info on the stories themselves. He doesn't respond. 

I haven't done any profile snooping or password guessing today, I'm feeling better.


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## norajane

> It's just this overwhelming need to KNOW that's getting to me. I don't know why I feel this need.


What exactly is it that you want to know? You already know what he's doing, and you are generally ok with it. What more do you think you want to know that you don't already? What are you most afraid of? Talk to him about your fears. That's the only we he can allay them.

It sounds to me you're doing what a lot of people do with Facebook...it's easily accessible so they become obsessive about checking up on their partner. The more they do it, the more obsessed they become about doing it constantly. Can you destroy your password list and lose the website addresses so you aren't tempted to constantly check?


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## Jellybeans

If you want to stop, stop.

Yes, it's really that simple.


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## AgentD

I had a friend who did this a few years ago. She snooped with everything her husband did, never came up with anything. It was almost like she was looking so hard that she wanted to find something. IMO, I think for her part of it was a control thing. I think in her mind she felt it was the only thing in her life she had control over. But really IMO, she was out of control.


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## CandieGirl

I've never heard of a site that has admins forwarding feedback...oh well, then I guess you have nothing to worry about, therefore you can stop the snooping.


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## nachopenguin

CandieGirl said:


> I've never heard of a site that has admins forwarding feedback...oh well, then I guess you have nothing to worry about, therefore you can stop the snooping.


I thought it odd, too, but I went to the site and in the submission guidelines it specifically says to let them know if you want your email address included so you can get feedback from readers, and if not, if you'd like any feedback that comes through the site forwarded to you.


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## nice777guy

Jellybeans said:


> If you want to stop, stop.
> 
> Yes, it's really that simple.


Not for me it wasn't.

Although my "snooping" often lead to more questions. The only way I could have quit was if I had quit finding things on a consistent basis.

I also don't like the word "snoop." People in healthy relationships see each others emails, pick up each others phones, etc all the time. It's only "snooping" when one of them is hiding something.


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## nice777guy

nachopenguin said:


> I thought it odd, too, but I went to the site and in the submission guidelines it specifically says to let them know if you want your email address included so you can get feedback from readers, and if not, if you'd like any feedback that comes through the site forwarded to you.


My advice - as long as something seems off - keep looking. Trust your gut.


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## Jamison

Just my 2 cents on the snooping thing. I do not think people snoop just to be snooping. Most people start to snoop when they feel something isn't quite right but yet not sure what that might be. They are looking for answers for a reason. 

So my question to the OP is, is there anything you can think of he has done, or said that might be off to you? Something different, out of the ordinary for him maybe? 

I mean, what actually tipped you off to decide to want to even snoop in the first place?


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## CandieGirl

:iagree:

Great topic for a new thread...what made you start snooping...?


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## Peachy Cat

I'm sure I'm projecting my own feelings here, but I am going to give my $0.02:

I think it's bugging you because it's a whole other aspect of "him" that you are not a part of. It seems it's a daily thing?--to "log on" and to write? It seems it's a big part of "his" life, but not yours.

I firmly believe in privacy, but when it's attached to more than one secret email and it involves a whole other side of him that you aren't privy to, it seems like secrecy.

I hope you guys will talk about this and the fears/doubts it has stirred in you, so you can maintain a healthy relationship.


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## nachopenguin

Thanks everyone for your responses.

PeachyCat - I think that's a part of it, and it's pretty much exactly what I said to him when I confronted him about the stories. It's not a daily thing, but it must have taken him a long time to write, edit,etc. I said that it's not the posting/stories that bothered me, it was that he put so much time and effort into something that I wasn't a part of, and that he shared it with strangers and not me. He told me that I've found all the stories he's written, and I believe him. 

I did ask him over the weekend if he'd let me see the feedback he's gotten, and he said of course I could see it. We didn't get around to looking at it this weekend (we had an "internet-free weekend" which we do every so often to get our noses out of our phones and computers) but I know that we will soon -- he'll either send them to me or we'll log into that email together. I also did tell him that I am going to look for a therapist soon.

Why did I start snooping? I don't know. I'm nosy, curious, I guess. He's nothing but loving and we have a great marriage. He didn't do or say anything out of the ordinary to give me reason to snoop. I doubt him because I have self-esteem issues, always have.


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## Gratitude

To be fair to you, if I found out my husband was writing eroctic porn and posting it on a site and keeping secret emails, it would bother me. It's ok if you feel upset by this. You're allowed to. If you don't like how much he looks at porn, or the sites, you're allowed to say that too. Not demand it, but it's your right to say how you feel and if it makes you uncomfortable.

You will only stop snooping when you feel you don't have anything to worry about. When what he's doing doesn't affect you. So if it does, talk to him. Maybe he could involve you and cut out the secrecy. Or he could stop some things if you think they're over your line. 

I don't think this is a problem you need to fix by yourself. I think it's something you and your husband should be sorting out together. Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## ocotillo

If there's a tangible basis to suspect some form of infidelity, that would be one thing. Intercepting the email of another adult (Including your spouse) is usually illegal at both the state and federal level, but sometimes, 'you gotta do what you gotta do' to protect yourself as the saying goes.

Snooping as a compulsion is unhealthy though. There's a lot of articles that have been written in the last few years on the subject and understanding the negatives might be one way to regain some balance.


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## CantePe

I'm going to first add my two cents as a writer (of erotica and horror no less - weird combo I know).

First off, writing is a very personal thing. Unfinished work, in my case, never gets shared with anyone. First draft, yes but unfinished first draft - never. It's a quirk I have about an unfinished story.

He may feel shame for the type of genre he writes, I don't think he should. Perhaps more so, he feels shame for his writing capabilities - Us writers are our own worse critic, our worse enemy when it comes to our writing. Very hard on ourselves.

As a wife - I would be concerned about hiding it. He should know better that he doesn't need to hide it from his own wife. While you may not agree with the content or even be taken back by it (you said it was fetish like) it doesn't mean he should be ashamed of it.

Am I to assume that the site may be Literotica? Or something similar? While users can post to the story themselves and writers can respond the site sends post updates (much like TAM will when someone posts to a thread you are subscribed to). It's not an actual person sending it but a computer server.

I would address the hiding and sneaking around. The Erotica writing is a talent\hobby that he wishes to express and explore. As long as the exploring does not turn into a physical aspect (unless you want it too with you) or acting out outside of the marriage there is nothing wrong with writing erotica.

In fact, hubby has read a few of my pieces and was happy to see that I drew from our personal experiences to write the pieces. He rather enjoys my writing. Perhaps ask him if he would share some of his work with you?

The snooping... I'm still getting over that kind of behavior myself. However, my situation was different from yours. WH cheated on me, I found out by accident and started snooping around ...technically I already had all the passwords from him prior and just used the previous permission we'd given each other with our passwords in the past. He never changed them.

It sounds like you have grown up with trust issues...it also sounds like you are willing and able to address these issues by seeking counseling ...you should pat yourself on the back for being willing to do so...not many people want to admit to the need for it.


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## nachopenguin

CantiPe, thank you for chiming in as a writer. When I confronted him about my knowledge of the stories, I made sure to let him know that I enjoyed them, and that I was surprised by the quality of them even though they may not have been my "thing." I told him that I was his biggest fan. He told me that he made a mental note of that. He hasn't shared anything additional with me, but it's only been a couple of weeks, and he's been buried in schoolwork and work related things so he hasn't had much free time to do any writing. We have talked openly about the stories, even joke about them. Like your husband, I too was flattered that he included some of our "play" in one of his stories. 

I do think it was the subject matter that caused him to hide it. He's said to me numerous times since the confrontation that he is thankful that I don't make him feel like some kind of a pervert or a weirdo. I made it very clear that it wasn't the stories, but the effort behind them that hurt my feelings.

Thank you for that link, ocotillo. It struck a chord -- I know that it's unhealthy for me, I can physically feel the adverse effects when I do it... the anxiety, heart rate increase, poor sleep. Although it has the opposite effect on me in terms of appetite, I can't eat for days as my stomach turns to knots. It's not pretty.


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## nice777guy

ocotillo said:


> Snooping as a compulsion is unhealthy though. There's a lot of articles that have been written in the last few years on the subject and understanding the negatives might be one way to regain some balance.


Which is worse - snooping or denial?

Trying to pretend you feel OK about things when don't and burying your head in the sand isn't going to help anything.


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## ocotillo

nice777guy said:


> Which is worse - snooping or denial?


Good question. I think denial is the greater of the two 'evils' 

I would qualify the term, 'denial' though as a fact that the brain refuses to accept because of the massive realignment of worldview it would require. The classic example is the parent who screams, "No! You must be mistaken!" when they're informed of the death of a child. -Technically a form of cognitive dissonance. 

The line gets much finer when we're talking about hunches and feelings instead of demonstrable facts though. That's why snooping as a _compulsive behavior _is so insidious. Searching and coming up empty doesn't reassure us that everything is okay, it fuels the compulsion even further.


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## nice777guy

ocotillo said:


> Good question. I think denial is the greater of the two 'evils'
> 
> I would qualify the term, 'denial' though as a fact that the brain refuses to accept because of the massive realignment of worldview it would require. The classic example is the parent who screams, "No! You must be mistaken!" when they're informed of the death of a child. -Technically a form of cognitive dissonance.
> 
> The line gets much finer when we're talking about hunches and feelings instead of demonstrable facts though. That's why snooping as a _compulsive behavior _is so insidious. Searching and coming up empty doesn't reassure us that everything is okay, it fuels the compulsion even further.


I'm a bit surprised that a husband who has been lying by ommission - about sexually related behavior - is getting such an easy "pass" in this case.


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## nachopenguin

I'm torn either way. I can understand him skirting the truth, "lying by omission," to some degree. I discovered his dark fantasies and he's embarrassed by it. He shouldn't be, but he is. If he somehow got into my head and saw my darkest fantasies, I'd be embarrassed, too. 

ocotillo is describing me well here:



> Searching and coming up empty doesn't reassure us that everything is okay, it fuels the compulsion even further.


That's the main reason why I'm here -- to give myself an outlet to vent my frustration/compulsion. I truly don't believe he's doing anything "wrong." I just have to come to terms with what I've found and stop looking for stuff I don't want to find. I'm feeling better already from when I wrote this last week.


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## ocotillo

nice777guy said:


> I'm a bit surprised that a husband who has been lying by ommission - about sexually related behavior - is getting such an easy "pass" in this case.


Sorry, that wasn't my intent. I came here to TAM only because of religious differences between my wife and myself that don't really even affect us. (But they do affect our extended families.) I've stayed here because of the human interest and have learned a lot from you and others here.

As I understand the term, 'Lying by ommission' is deliberate misdirection via a selective presentation of the facts. The most obvious form that misdirection would take in a marriage would be concealing inappropriate contact with a third party. The concealment allows the innocent spouse to believe that their partner is still fully committed to the relationship, when in reality, that's not the case at all. 

The OP's husband doesn't understand the concept of transparency or how important it is in marriage, (To be honest, I didn't understand it either before I came here) but I'm not sure what the misdirection would be in this instance.


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## nice777guy

ocotillo said:


> Sorry, that wasn't my intent. I came here to TAM only because of religious differences between my wife and myself that don't really even affect us. (But they do affect our extended families.) I've stayed here because of the human interest and have learned a lot from you and others here.
> 
> As I understand the term, 'Lying by ommission' is deliberate misdirection via a selective presentation of the facts. The most obvious form that misdirection would take in a marriage would be concealing inappropriate contact with a third party. The concealment allows the innocent spouse to believe that their partner is still fully committed to the relationship, when in reality, that's not the case at all.
> 
> The OP's husband doesn't understand the concept of transparency or how important it is in marriage, (To be honest, I didn't understand it either before I came here) but I'm not sure what the misdirection would be in this instance.


When she discovered he had a "secret" e-mail account - and then confronted him about it - he showed her a "Different" account that she didn't know about.

So - two secret accounts. And when given the chance to "come clean" - he chose to continue keeping one of them (the one she had found) a secret.

So - a guy - sex - and and at least two secret e-mail accounts. Not normally a good combination. 

And when he was confronted, he only showed her what he wanted her to see. Even though she's been nothing of supportive so far - telling him she is his "Biggest Fan", etc.,

Let me know if I've misread or misunderstood.


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## nachopenguin

You have it right 777. But I don't believe there is a third party involved. When it surfaced that he had two secret emails, he said that one (the one I had found) he used to "sign up for stuff," and the other (the one he THOUGHT I had found) he used to "submit stuff." I still haven't seen the contents of second one, but he spoke the truth about the first one -- I combed through every folder in that account numerous times before I ever confronted him about it, and that's all that was in there, registrations for a few porn sites. No third party contact whatsoever. In fact, he hasn't even logged into the account in months, since January at least.

I think that he just doesn't think it was a big deal. When I asked him how many secret emails he had, he answered without hesitation, "two," and described what he used them for. I think that a combination of embarrassment and absentmindedness, and maybe not really understanding the impact of transparency, is causing the omission.


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## norajane

I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things - forums I belong to, signing up for random stuff, online shopping email, two personal email accounts, work emails, all kinds for various reasons. They are a convenience for me, so I can keep marketers out of my personal email, among other reasons.

So if I don't disclose all of them to my partner, which he's never asked for anyway, does that mean they are "secret"? Or does that merely mean I haven't mentioned it because I didn't really think to bring it up?


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## nice777guy

norajane said:


> I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things - forums I belong to, signing up for random stuff, online shopping email, two personal email accounts, work emails, all kinds for various reasons. They are a convenience for me, so I can keep marketers out of my personal email, among other reasons.
> 
> So if I don't disclose all of them to my partner, which he's never asked for anyway, does that mean they are "secret"? Or does that merely mean I haven't mentioned it because I didn't really think to bring it up?


Not sure there is a one size fits all answer.

Usually a Husband with multiple email accounts that he never mentioned that he is using for porn and erotic literature would not be receiving the benefit of the doubt.

Usually:
Men + Sex + Computers + Porn + "Email Accounts the Wife Didn't Know About" = Trouble


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## nice777guy

nachopenguin said:


> One night, he told me that after we had that conversation he logged into his secret email. He said that since it had been so long that he logged in, he had a hard time getting into it. He told me what was in it -- *but what he told me didn't jive with what I knew was in there. Basically, he admitted to having a SECOND secret email address. * He told me the address and said that he assumed that it was the one that I had found. _I immediately got that sick feeling again_, and I told him that I was upset that there was a second address that I didn't know about. He apologized, and gave me some explanation as to why he created the second account, which I believe to some degree.


That's my biggest issue. When confronted - he only told the OP a part of the truth - and it was only what he "thought" she already knew.


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## nachopenguin

I guess I'm giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt, then. Especially since the one he *didn't* think I knew about contained nothing devastating to the marriage. I again chalk up the omission to embarrassment/shame and absentmindedness. I said before that it's somewhat fetishy stuff, and I think he's struggling with accepting it for himself even though I have accepted it outright. He's expressed gratitude a number of times since "the reveal" that I don't think badly of him.

If he's having some kind of torrid affair, he's pulling the wool over my eyes really well, and shame on me for trusting him. But for now, I do trust him, and I just want to get this sick feeling out of my stomach. He's never late, he never goes out/doesn't have friends (which has been a problem in the past, in fact, that took some working through), he's never texting anyone, he logs into facebook maybe once a week... As far as I can see, he's a good husband with an embarrassing secret that I stumbled upon because I am a nosy, crazy, compulsive snooper. Positive has come out of my discovery in that it's opened him/us up and we've had good discussions, but I don't want to continue this crazy.


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## norajane

nachopenguin said:


> I guess I'm giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt, then. Especially since the one he *didn't* think I knew about contained nothing devastating to the marriage. I again chalk up the omission to embarrassment/shame and absentmindedness. I said before that it's somewhat fetishy stuff, and I think he's struggling with accepting it for himself even though I have accepted it outright. He's expressed gratitude a number of times since "the reveal" that I don't think badly of him.


When you 'caught' him with the additional email, he told you about the one he was embarrassed about. The other one (the one you found) probably didn't even cross his mind because that's not the one he was embarrassed about. He revealed the one that he was ashamed of, because of the writing.


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## nachopenguin

norajane said:


> When you 'caught' him with the additional email, he told you about the one he was embarrassed about. The other one (the one you found) probably didn't even cross his mind because that's not the one he was embarrassed about. He revealed the one that he was ashamed of, because of the writing.


Thank you, norajane. This makes sense. I'm sure he's embarrassed of both of them, but the conversation was in the context of the writing that I had found, so that's the email he assumed I had found. Like I said, I would be embarrassed, too, if he crawled into my mind and stumbled across my fantasies. (But this whole thing has opened us both up a LOT in that regard...)


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## nice777guy

nachopenguin said:


> I guess I'm giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt, then. Especially since the one he *didn't* think I knew about contained nothing devastating to the marriage. I again chalk up the omission to embarrassment/shame and absentmindedness. I said before that it's somewhat fetishy stuff, and I think he's struggling with accepting it for himself even though I have accepted it outright. He's expressed gratitude a number of times since "the reveal" that I don't think badly of him.
> 
> If he's having some kind of torrid affair, he's pulling the wool over my eyes really well, and shame on me for trusting him. But for now, I do trust him, and I just want to get this sick feeling out of my stomach. He's never late, he never goes out/doesn't have friends (which has been a problem in the past, in fact, that took some working through), he's never texting anyone, he logs into facebook maybe once a week... As far as I can see, he's a good husband with an embarrassing secret that I stumbled upon because I am a nosy, crazy, compulsive snooper. Positive has come out of my discovery in that it's opened him/us up and we've had good discussions, but I don't want to continue this crazy.


All of this does sound encouraging.

Has he complained about your "snooping"?


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## nachopenguin

nice777guy said:


> Has he complained about your "snooping"?


Not at all. When I confronted him about what I'd found, it was after a couple weeks of being very distant to him and struggling internally with 1.) coming to grips with what I found and 2.) dealing with the guilt I had for snooping. When it all came out, I told him I'd been afraid to talk to him about it because he'd be so mad that I was snooping around his things.

After I was done spilling my soul, I was sobbing pretty bad, asked him if he was mad at me. He said no, not at all, that HE felt bad because, even though I told him that he didn't do anything *wrong*, he felt bad that he had secrets that he kept from me.

He knows I snooped on his phone, and he doesn't hide or clear anything, even now. He also knows which site I can "check up on him" because of his profile -- and he still leaves himself logged in. I would think if it bothered him that bad, he would log himself out, right? (You can still see a lot of the site if you're logged out, just not EVERYthing.)


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## CantePe

Ask him for the passwords to all his accounts and see his reaction. If he reacts with transparency and willingness then I don't think there is any issue other than being embarrassed and worried that you would think him a pervert. If he reacts badly, it's time to start really looking around at his activity online.

I found out about WH because he started hiding chat windows every time I'd pass by. That's when I put a keylogger on the computer and my whole world came crashing down in a matter of three days of information...we're reconciling and it's coming up on two years in January.


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## ocotillo

norajane said:


> I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things....


Same here. When I set up an SBS or dedicated Exchange server for a customer, I'll create an email address under their domain for my own use. It's a useful tool in the first few hours of a server rollout to verify functionality and identify DNS and blacklisting issues.

Sometimes I delete them, sometimes I don't and sometimes I just forget. There's probably hundreds of working addresses. 

On the flip-side of the coin, my wife has professional boundaries that it would be illegal for me to breach and as an I.T. person, they would absolutely throw the book at me if I did. There's no way I could pretend that I didn't know what I was doing.

We're not trying to be opaque with each other -- that's just the way things are.


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## nice777guy

Only the person who set up the account knows what their intentions were.

He may have just been embarrassed - but these accounts were originally meant to keep his activities a secret. This wasn't work related!


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## nachopenguin

Sorry to bring my old thread back, but I wanted to update, and thank everyone who commented here. I'm not sure who it was, but one or more posters said that it seemed that although I *said* I was okay with the porn, it didn't really seem to be that way.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. Most of what I found I was okay with -- the stories, certain sites, etc. But there were a few sites that I was not okay with at all. And, in fact, he and I had arguments over similar sites back in the beginning of our relationship. He told me he wouldn't go to those types of sites anymore and when I found out through my snooping that he never really stopped going, I was very hurt. I tried to push it away for the last few weeks, but I kept getting more and more upset inside about it.

So, this past weekend it all came to a head and we had lots of heated arguments. I went about it the wrong away on Friday night and basically bombarded him with everything I knew and how terrible I thought he was because of it. He felt attacked, rightfully so, and I ended up leaving to go for a walk to cool down, and he slept on the couch most of the night. 

Saturday evening we sat down and discussed it with much more level heads and made promises to each other. I promised him that I would stop stalking him online and snooping through his things, and he promised not to go to the certain sites that were unacceptable to me. I told him in no uncertain terms that if I found out he was going to those sites again, be it two weeks from now or ten years from now, that I would leave him. 

Since the conversation, things have been much better between us (let's hear it for good make-up sex, huh?) and I haven't had an urge to snoop anymore, at all. I feel that now that things are up in the air we can move on, and move forward.

I do, however, find myself triggering and getting upset, and worrying about finding these sites years from now. I mean, he promised me he'd stop once... and he didn't. How can I trust that he really will stop this time? I expect that it will just take time, right? It took me a long time to get over it the first time, and I expect it'll take a while for me to forgive and forget the second time, too. We have a whole lot more to lose now than we did 12 years ago.

Anyway this ended up being wordier than I anticipated, but I really do thank who responded before, it really helped put things into perspective for me to help me realize that I did have a right to be upset about certain things, and I have a right to set boundaries and dealbreakers in my relationship. Things are worlds better now, I am just hoping that this is just a small hurdle that I will be able to get over.


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## NextTimeAround

norajane said:


> I have trouble with the concept of "secret" email accounts. What makes it "secret"? I have many email accounts, for various things - forums I belong to, signing up for random stuff, online shopping email, two personal email accounts, work emails, all kinds for various reasons. They are a convenience for me, so I can keep marketers out of my personal email, among other reasons.
> 
> So if I don't disclose all of them to my partner, which he's never asked for anyway, does that mean they are "secret"? Or does that merely mean I haven't mentioned it because I didn't really think to bring it up?


that's me as well. And I haven't told my bf about the e-mail account that gets updates from this message board. I am trying to decide what I need to give up when we move in together.

He knows that I visit relationship message boards, so last week he asked me if I do this due to the problems we have had. I told him "no" because I remind myself that now he is doing everything right and I didn't want to revisit the (ugly) past.


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## cory275

omg... my hubs did the same thing. the secret emails... the whole 9... i decided a long time ago.. you dont need secret email accts to visit porn sites. if you're having secret email accts it is to interact with someone secretly. and why the hell would he need 2?? i have problems with my hubs watching porn.. and he has problems with me masterbating as well. sometimes we have a healthy balance with it.. sometimes not. i go into phases where it really bothers me.. and sometimes when i couldnt care less. still dont know why. 

BUT. it bothered me enough to tell him to stop. i put a k9 blocking software on our puter at home (because of porn and social networking... which he's both had issues with)... if he ever asks me to take it off i will.. and i'll pack my stuff and be gone. chronic masterbation is too much for me to handle. every once in a while is ok.. but constantly?? and hiding emails?? no way. its just part of being with me. i'm not forcing him to stay with me. if he wants to be with me.. then he must behave. the end.


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