# Define EA



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am ponderer. I do it habitually. Over active imagination, analytic score out the window on the GRE. 

What constitutes an EA? :scratchhead: Be precise, objective please.

What transpires to go from "friend" of opposite sex to "EA" :scratchhead:?

Always thought affairs were physical, filled with hot, torrid, in the afternoon, glistening (she), sweaty (he) sex outside one's marriage.

Is this a new cyber thing, or did it first come about with the telephone and pony express??


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

When your spouse spends time with this person and enjoys the attention, the talk begins to get very intimate and there is almost an obsession with the person. 
My wife was interested with a musician, so she would check out his facebook and check out all the women on his friend list. She would google them and try to check out the competition. She went to see alot of his shows and didnt tell me about it. She lied about her whereabouts and texted alot. I actually knew all along. 
She ended up being dumped because she wanted a relationship and he wanted only sex. 
An EA is when your spouse is emotionally connected with someone, may or may not involve sex. In this case i don't really think it started out as a friendship, but more as a flirtation that went into an EA. She liked the attention. 
There was sexual banter, it seemed like an infatuation on her part.
Not sure if that helps, but basically it really sucks, and the betrayal is so devastating. 
Another point, the person with the EA is so caught up with the person of interest that they are completely oblivious of the spouse's feelings. It's like you don't even exist.

Any way you look at it, it is devastating.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hmmm. Thanks. 

Do you all think Facebook causes EAs?


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

ABSOLUTELY - I think facebook, myspace etc is a huge door opener for EA's! I just joined FB a month ago - I have gotten friend requests from people that I haven't seen in 15+ years (some of which I was hoping never to be in contact with ever again!!LOL) and I can truly see how starting an old relationship or flame, talking about the good old times, etc could serisouly become an issue and quickly. I have several friends that have "hooked up online" with old "friends" from the past and it has caused nothing but grief to their spouses. Just another road block to manuever.


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## separation anxiety (Aug 10, 2009)

It definitely can open doors to people in the past, but the real issue is the fact that the spouse is looking elsewhere. Facebook is just a facilitator not a cause of EA.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

You know my situation. I think I am the poster child for this. Because of my distance and my issues, I left an emotional connection void with my wife. We did not talk about personal items, intamacy items, day to day items of each other to connect, love, hate, fear items.

I get it now, this is what she needed from me. Chime in any female here, probably most of you want this. Because of my own fears, I ended up pushing myself for more home issues, secuity issues, financial issures child care, yaada, yaada... HOWEVER, those don't fill the void I left. This is where the EA comes in. For the person that can fill that void, they have an almost instant close relationship.

I view this as even worse than a physical affair, as when it comes right down to it, I think we all need that emotional connection, male or female. Its what builds intamacy, closeness, and allows us to ride through the rough spots, because we are connected to our SO on a deeper level.

At least thats what it means to me. I'd be happy to elaborate or share more on what happened if you wish...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> Another point, the person with the EA is so caught up with the person of interest that they are completely oblivious of the spouse's feelings. It's like you don't even exist.
> 
> Any way you look at it, it is devastating.


OH, YES. I definately agree with this. W is focused solely on OM, and me and the kids don't seem to matter. When she is home, its constant yelling, not doing what she wants, not picking up anything, not taking care of laundry, dishes, etc. Its whats driving me to want, no need to get out of there.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think the difference between a EA and a friendship is escilation. When I went thru this I decided an affair takes 3 things. Conversation, initiation, and escilation. Nothing happens without talking, thats conversation. And if noone is willing to start acting flirty, even if there might be attraction there, nothing will ever be initiated. Escilation means that one of the people is willing to push the boundries further than what the relationship has been in the past. In a friendship there is no escilation, no building toward something more. It is just at a steady state. It is the building and anticipation that really marks an EA. I dont think there is that much anticipation to see friends, when it gets to the point of excited anticipation it has become an EA. Less analiticaly there is a glow to it too, the person feels that someone they are interested in is interested in them too.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I only learned of the term "emotional affair" from this forum. I believe it is a term used loosely to describe a secret romantic relationship that has not developed into a physical/sexual affair. 

The inappropriateness or destructiveness is also personally defined by the people involved. Some spouses can claim it is just platonic friends sharing their problems. If the affair started online, it can be termed cyber affair, or online affair. Sex does not have to be involved at all.

What I have been through I have yet to understand or felt a need to define. He found me from my blog, we instant messaged, we thought about each other offline, and by me divulging all my marital problems, we grew from a online buddy to a supportive friend to a fantasy spouse. I truly believed he had fallen in love with me. There was guilt and anxiety on my end. It felt real, but it was not. I missed him dearly for the role he played, but he was no way anything close to what I desired in a real life marriage.

I also have chatted with lots of men about my problems, but it never felt affair-like. This whole site has me talking about my marriage, but it is not an affair. It does feel addictive, but not bad enough for me to quit to save my sanity.

Lastly, I want to add that I have a co-worker who is excessively chatting to a mrried man online. She recently ended her marriage because her husband was cheating with another woman at work. If she had been a closer friend, I would have told her to stop having this emotional affair. I hesitated, because I don't think I could explain an online emotional affair without telling her my personal stories. My co-worker received a text that his wife is on the way to the hospital. My co-worker was worried sick. I felt so bad for this pregnant wife! It is not okay to call another woman when your wife is having a baby! I knew they were too intimately close if they worry and share so much.

I could also tell about the emotional affairs that my husband had, and he defines them as "international pen pals." I hate them so much, I wish they would all drop dead! That's how jealous and hurt I feel by such affairs.

I think we need a thread about how to heal from affairs, rather than just defining it.


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