# LD



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Bear with me, been with my husband 11yrs, married 6- no kids- sex has always been LD, in the beginning was on fire... However
Although LD, it was fine as when it happened it was pretty explosive and fantastic. Had never been a big deal as such. 
However the last 5 times my husband has lost his erection which in turn has made me feel horrified about myself- thinking is it me? 
Anyway tonight we were trying to get intimate and because we don't have regular sex I'm obv pretty tight, as I was trying to insert I caught him slightly with my nail and then suddenly he lost his erection, he tried to at first blame my nail catching it...
Anyway after a quick discussion, turns out we admitted a few things..
1) because we bikker he feels that he can't show me love as he is still bothered about our rows. 
2) He feels the sex doesn't come naturally, it's more of a routine
3) I am very self conscious as I've put on weight so when he asks for sex I turn him down as hate getting my body out- I feel like I have to prepare myself. 
4) He wants straight sex, no foreplay or romance which I don't like. 
5) he says that if we have more showing of love in our marriage then the sex will follow

Anyway so that was that, fast forward a few hours later, I decided to put on some underwear, sexy shoes etc and approached him, he pushed me off and said no he was tired, I got emotional, felt very embarrassed and walked off, he then comes up stairs, gets in bed- cuddles me and says he loves me and off to sleep.. 

We both work very hard, he has a lot of stress in his work, although I have the more pressured job he carries his stress worse than me.
I absolutely adore my husband but just not sure what to do about this situation.. Any thoughts?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's LD? 

Loses his erection?

Yes, there's likely either a psychological or physical health problem here.

The nail hanging could def make him lose it, so can psychological factors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi 
Sounds like work stress on both of you.
His losing his erection could be from either performance anxiety or exhaustion. 
It's weird I did the underwear thing like you before & got rejected as well. 
Not because he didn't find me sexy, but because he felt pressured. 
I usually give him a text & ask him what should I wear for him etc. 
That gets him all excited. 
Me & my husband usually wait till our days off work to have sex. 
We find it more relaxed & can put time into foreplay. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Sorry LD- low drive
No physical health- definitely psychological.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Don't even worry about sex. Work on intimacy. Spend time walking, talking, holding hands, joking, working, planning, telling secrets. If the goal is increased intimacy, spending time doing any of these is a "win", including a little bickering. Both of you have the same problem. You don't trust each other enough to completely relax. Trust is built with intimacy. If you 100% trusted him you wouldn't have any trouble getting naked. If he completely trusted you, he could have sex without worrying about prior arguments. 

Get used to frequently touching each other affectionately without either expecting sex.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@unbelievable great advice. 
Intimacy is incredibly important. 
As is trust between a couple. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

emma83 said:


> Bear with me, been with my husband 11yrs, married 6- no kids- sex has always been LD, in the beginning was on fire... However
> Although LD, it was fine as when it happened it was pretty explosive and fantastic. Had never been a big deal as such.
> However the last 5 times my husband has lost his erection which in turn has made me feel horrified about myself- thinking is it me?
> Anyway tonight we were trying to get intimate and because we don't have regular sex I'm obv pretty tight, as I was trying to insert I caught him slightly with my nail and then suddenly he lost his erection, he tried to at first blame my nail catching it...
> ...



My wife Mrs.CuddleBug is LD because she is very insecure about her size. She could have sex 1x month and is good with that and its been like that most of our marriage.

When I get stressed out about life and work, I still want sex. In fact, I need sex even more because it gets rid of my stress like nothing else. So for the next 24 hours I feel great.

He could be secretly viewing porn and relieving himself. So when you're in the mood, he usually isn't or can't get it up.

If you've put on weight over the years, we all have I'm sure, eat healthy small meals all day instead of 3 big ones. Never starve yourself because your body's metabolism will slow down and hold onto the weight. Go to a local gym. Meet new friends, network and get a personal trainer to set you on the path to lose weight. Permanent lifestyle change.

You could start by wearing a weighted back pack and go for power walks every day for 30+ minutes. Burn the legs and thighs, calves , etc. get that metabolism going.

It could be due to the weight gain, he doesn't want sex with you. 

Could it be as simple as that?

And that makes you insecure about sex and he only wants quickies?

Myself being a HD hubby, I could have sex 1x to 3x a day still. Mrs.CuddleBug could never pressure me enough with sex, to the point I'd lose my erection and not want sex. I don't buy that.


----------



## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

emma83 said:


> Sorry LD- low drive
> No physical health- definitely psychological.


 How are you so sure ?
You cannot always tell if its a physical problem . Have you had FULL lab work done to check ? 
If so , you both may need to see a therapist or counselor of some type


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife and I have mismatched drives. I'm normal drive (not HD or LD), and she's responsive desire. Our sex life is not scheduled, per se, but it might as well be. Weekends only, one time, with a ~5% chance of a second time. 95% likelihood that it's a Saturday.

This puts the onus on me to have sex. This becomes tiresome and builds resentment from time to time. Not just because it's me doing the "work", but also because I have a window of time in which to work with.

I'm currently going through one of those periods - and I hate it. Right now, I have almost no desire for my wife, sexually. I'm deathly afraid that one of these days, my desire for her will not return as it normally does. I've spoken to her about this (not as a threat, but as a genuine concern of mine). Not sure it registers with her what the consequences could be should this happen.

In any case, perhaps your husband is going through something similar (not the same, as you DO want sex, and try to initiate). What I mean is, maybe things have become static for him, and it's not at all your fault. It's easy to get inside one's head and think too much.

I get to have sex once a week, more or less, and it's GOOD sex, to boot. Yet it often occurs to me that this isn't what I want - because it's not. I want a partner who's just as interested in me as I am in them, even if it's just once a week. My issue is solely based around the idea that sex is entirely up to me to pursue, and if I don't, then it doesn't happen. And what's worse is that if it doesn't happen, she wouldn't have a care in the world about it, other than her eventually thinking something's wrong with her. She wouldn't be upset that there's no sex, she'd be upset that I haven't shown that interest in her in a while. It's happened. It's disconcerting. It's not sex that she wants, just a reassurance that I'm still "into" her.

So maybe the dynamic you and your husband has isn't what he wants. I don't necessarily mean that maybe he wants variety, or to try new and weird things, or that he's bored of YOU. Maybe the whole thing has created this pressure for him (real or imagined) and it's become more "by the book" than spontaneous.

And that's how I personally think sex should be with one's partner - spontaneous. Unscheduled. Equal. Something is preventing him from being relaxed and comfortable with it all right now.


----------



## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

I am the HD in my marriage. There have been times when we have been in a dry spell and I have had performance issues when we do get a chance to be intimate. 

For me, if I have a problem staying hard once and then we don't try for a while again, I get nervous that I will loose it the next time and sometimes that causes me to go soft again. 

I tried to explain this to my wife and told her that her being tight and having trouble getting wet when it has been a while is kind of the same thing. 

I don't have this issue when the sex is regular. However if I have been rejected a few times and it has been a while it could happen. 

More frequent sex might help. 

As for the dislike of foreplay, I don't understand that. For me it makes it better.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

alexm said:


> My wife and I have mismatched drives. I'm normal drive (not HD or LD), and she's responsive desire. Our sex life is not scheduled, per se, but it might as well be. Weekends only, one time, with a ~5% chance of a second time. 95% likelihood that it's a Saturday.
> 
> This puts the onus on me to have sex. This becomes tiresome and builds resentment from time to time. Not just because it's me doing the "work", but also because I have a window of time in which to work with.
> 
> ...


As you get older and needing time to prep, spontaneity goes out the window. I used to feel just like you do. At 54, having sex on Tuesday and Friday, taking Adrogel every day and Viagra 1 hour before sex it is certainly NOT spontaneous. However, it IS fantastic. I think this is something you can overcome in your mind.

Reading your post I think you might be a good candidate for Testosterone cream and Viagra. If you only have sex on Saturday, get yourself ready. A couple days before I put on an extra squirt of Androgel, take Viagra an hour before, with no food for 3 hours, watch some porn, and drink some wine. Regardless how my wife feels, when I come to bed I am a snorting bull. 99% of the time, after a couple minutes BECAUSE I have made myself so ready to go, I can get my wife going in a matter of minutes.

Forget about how she feels about sex before you have sex and only concern yourself with the end product. If you leave her a steaming pile of flesh, you WILL be satisfied with your performance and her response. Everything else is white noise.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

UMP said:


> As you get older and needing time to prep, spontaneity goes out the window. I used to feel just like you do. At 54, having sex on Tuesday and Friday, taking Adrogel every day and Viagra 1 hour before sex it is certainly NOT spontaneous. However, it IS fantastic. I think this is something you can overcome in your mind.
> 
> Reading your post I think you might be a good candidate for Testosterone cream and Viagra. If you only have sex on Saturday, get yourself ready. A couple days before I put on an extra squirt of Androgel, take Viagra an hour before, with no food for 3 hours, watch some porn, and drink some wine. Regardless how my wife feels, when I come to bed I am a snorting bull. 99% of the time, after a couple minutes BECAUSE I have made myself so ready to go, I can get my wife going in a matter of minutes.
> 
> Forget about how she feels about sex before you have sex and only concern yourself with the end product. If you leave her a steaming pile of flesh, you WILL be satisfied with your performance and her response. Everything else is white noise.


Certainly, scheduled sex can work for many people. I'm not one of them. Not sure my wife is, either, but that's how it goes in this house. Sunday-Thursday is just hectic (like most people's lives) and because it's not something that's on her mind at the best of times, I can forget it during the week. Friday - too tired, long week, etc.

Now Saturday, she'll have slept in, doesn't have to work, kids don't have homework or activities or sports, etc. So Saturday has become the de facto day for fun - provided we're not out too late, or up too late.

So it's not really scheduled, per se, it's just the schedule we (she...) keeps.

As we all know, HD's make excuses to have sex, LD's make excuses NOT to. This is how it is here.

As for the viagra and cream advice - not necessary for me. As sex is ostensibly "for me", I have little in the way of performance anxiety. The odd time it's stopped working, it's because I'm exhausted, or it's bloody hot in the bedroom, or one of my aches and pains acts up (back, hip). She's understanding and we work around it.

But for OP, it's a definite recommendation, as her husband is not in the same boat as me. SHE wants sex, he's having a hard time occasionally (or a soft time. badoom-ching!). In my case, my wife is apathetic about it, so it's a moot point.

I just go through these periods where I don't look at my wife sexually for a little while. I'm in one, now. I still think she's gorgeous, but I don't want to have sex with her. I don't want to NOT have sex with her, either. It's just "meh".

*ETA - I might be in the minority as a guy, but I actually have never had any interest in having sex with my wife simply for the sake of having sex. It's -part- of it, for sure, but for me, it's being close to her that I desire. The physical part is secondary. As she desires neither, really, and I desire both, it's a non-starter when I have these periods of time where I'm just out of the loop, sexually and/or emotionally. Right now, it's both, which sucks.


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks for all your posts, I showed hubby them and we had a great discussion, he resonated very much with MrsAldi's post, I resonated more with unbelievable' post. 
We have decided to just let it come naturally, be more attentive to each other and just go with it.
I personally want to thankyou as it's helped us as a couple kinda see things from the outside, so thanks and now I'm off for some mind blowing sex.... Just kidding


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@emma83 excellent news!!  

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

alexm said:


> I just go through these periods where I don't look at my wife sexually for a little while. I'm in one, now. I still think she's gorgeous, but I don't want to have sex with her. I don't want to NOT have sex with her, either. It's just "meh".


That's exactly my point. Viagra and Testosterone will take away the "meh."
You might be surprised how your wife reacts to a snorting bull.
It might change your entire sexual dynamic.


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Well not so great- I forgot I'd put an app on his iPad to monitor sites he goes on as he always uses the privacy option- so I logged on to see he visits a lot of porn sites- at least everyday or every other day- last time a few hours ago whilst I was upstairs in our home as he was downstairs.
So rather than approaching me for intimacy he has gone to get his kicks from a porn website- not sure how this makes me feel... Thoughts?


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@emma83 sometimes men get addicted to porn. (Why? Haven't a clue)
Do not get angry with him, this will only make things worse. 
Bring up porn in a casual conversation, tell him you don't mind him watching, ask him if he'd cut down to once a month or every two weeks. 
It's interfearing with your sex life & when he cuts back his libido should probably increase. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

This is actually good news. If he uses porn, he has a sex drive. If he is willing to eliminate the porn, he might turn that libido toward you. If he was not masturbating, and not having sex with you, he might have little or no drive and then there would be precious little you could do to entice him into having sex with you.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its possible his ED is caused by stress about ED. Have you tried finding other ways for him to please you in bed to take the pressure off?


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Update:
Today I am shattered- he is addicted- I found phone bills today racking up £2000 debts to sex lines starting in august 16- He admits he has a problem but I think only as he has been caught out. 

I thought we had passed all this 
I am heart broken and numb. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

Also approx Sep time I asked him to cut back watching porn as i found he was frequently visiting to which he said yes however our sex life didn't improve and again he got ED when we tried which in turn made me feel awful. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

He's addicted to porn. 
It's something that can actually ruin sex in real life. 
Don't feel awful, I'm sure that you did nothing to turn him off. 

Do you think seeing a sex therapist might help? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> He's addicted to porn.
> It's something that can actually ruin sex in real life.
> Don't feel awful, I'm sure that you did nothing to turn him off.
> 
> ...




Genuinely the thought of seeing someone over our marriage baffles me- I just couldn't. 
I am numb right now and don't know what to do, what to say to him, I am at a loss. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

emma83 said:


> Genuinely the thought of seeing someone over our marriage baffles me- I just couldn't.
> I am numb right now and don't know what to do, what to say to him, I am at a loss.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Yes, it's not easy opening up to a stranger about the most intimate aspects of your marriage/life. 

Has he talked much about why he has a compulsion to the phone lines and porn? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

He just says that he gets caught up, I genuinely believe he doesn't think it's a major issue- I think he knows it's wrong but not a big deal if you get what I mean.
I've told him it's over and just seen he is looking for a place to live.
Urge!!! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm sorry that things are tough right now. 
How old are you both? 

He has some issues, if he can't deal with them and be honest, things may not improve for a while. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

MrsAldi said:


> I'm sorry that things are tough right now.
> How old are you both?
> 
> He has some issues, if he can't deal with them and be honest, things may not improve for a while.
> ...




I'm 33, he 40. 
Just texting now and he just says he feels ashamed- well I'm ashamed for him! He has gone to eat- I can't eat if i tried 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## emma83 (Jan 7, 2013)

He has made me feel worthless as a wife and woman.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

emma83 said:


> He has made me feel worthless as a wife and woman.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Please don't feel like that. 
You're not worthless. 
Things are raw at the moment, you are hurting. 
Look after yourself for now, don't worry about him for now, I predict he will be back. He could be bluffing. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

emma83 said:


> He has made me feel worthless as a wife and woman.


Odds are he is completely unaware that he is hurting you. It is more likely he himself is the one feeling worthless as a man and husband and he turns to porn to essentially distract himself from life in general. 

You should try to set aside the dynamics of sexuality in your marriage for a moment and see your husband's behavior as a cry for help. He needs you to be his friend for a moment and just try to help him find a way to be positive and upbeat.

Find things that you both have to be thankful for.

Eat a nice meal together.

Since he is a guy, just don't even talk about things. Just try to help him relax into your arms as a friend. 

Once you find a positive moment, then you might also find yourself in a place to work on things together. Instead of feeling worthless, in reality he needs you more than ever right now, but it is not always fun to have to be strong and upbeat knowing your spouse will likely lash out at you in some way during the process. 

Badsanta


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is all on him not you. He is an addict - and no one else is ever to blame for an addiction. 




emma83 said:


> He has made me feel worthless as a wife and woman.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

emma83 said:


> He just says that he gets caught up, I genuinely believe he doesn't think it's a major issue- I think he knows it's wrong but not a big deal if you get what I mean.
> I've told him it's over and just seen he is looking for a place to live.
> Urge!!!
> 
> ...


Send your husband here:
Top 3 Causes of Addiction to Porn

Better yet, print out the article and make him read it in front of you.

The part about 'porn addiction' that seems missing from a lot of articles is that the obsessive use of porn conditions the brain to respond sexually in a certain way, a passive way, a way that is not reciprocal. Partnered sex, by definition, means that participants are both aware of and demonstrate a level of care and concern for their partners enjoyment. It is the care and concern for your enjoyment that kills it for him. Whether it is selfish self involvement or anxiety about performance that isn't present when masturbating to porn, the more he masturbates to porn, the less able he will be to transistion to partnered sex smoothly. 

He has to give up porn completely, perhaps years, perhaps for several months. He has to retain his brain and his sexual response. He has built a wall around being able to perform partnered sex and the only way that wall crumbles is by not continually reinforcing it by watching porn and masturbating.

This is a lot to ask. Expect him to balk, make excuses, minimize, deny, accuse you of xyz. Stand firm and tell him unless he enters therapy and works diligently to bring all of his sexual energy to the marriage, it is over. You could spend years wringing your hands and hoping this time he will follow through. Or you could draw a line, dig a trench around the line, build a wall around the trench, and show him your willingness to end a marriage that will never be a good one because he can't bring his sexual energy to you.

ETA:



> Meanwhile, a 2013 study by researchers at the University of Leicester in the United Kingdom suggests that a penchant for porn may be more compulsion than addiction. In a study of porn use among 226 men, the researchers found that certain traits — neuroticism, agreeableness, conscientiousness and obsessional checking behaviors — were correlated with high pornography use (Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2013). Men who have trouble resisting the lure of porn websites might simply have dispositions that make them more vulnerable to compulsive problems in general, the researchers concluded.


From this article: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/04/pornography.aspx


----------

