# Input Accepted...Trust, Sex, Marriage, Divorce



## MsIry (Mar 6, 2011)

I will try to portray both sides in order to get objective responses.

We are married about 14yrs. Our relationship began while he was still married to someone else. Yes, it was an affair, he left his wife and married me, needless to say, my self esteem at the time was non existant. 
FFWD... he was never a caring, compassionate husband and a non existant father. But he worked hard and provided for us. I also work full time. We have 2 children, whom, I always joked about being a single parent. Which reflects his parenting in general.
a couple of yrs ago, he was laid off from his job with an international freight company and was in between jobs. During his lay off, we were invited to a beach house vacation with a family member. (no cost to us). He refused to go with me and the kids. This was my final straw, I told him I was tired of begging him to be a part of our family.
It was then that I decided to take time for myself. I joined the gym with my girlfriends and spent more time with friends, going to breakfast and lunch etc. My friends are all married with children.
This seemed to cause resntment to my husband that i would dare to have an enjoyable lif without his involvement. I would have to "pay for" my outings with sexual favors, this would allow me to go for coffee and the like, without fallout. 
It was during this time he had established an online identity and portraying himself on dating websites under a false persona , searching for love. He blames me for his actions, because I was now "distant".
This caused me great distress and eliminated any trust I had for this man. I felt empty and confused. 
I urged him to go to counseling with me and we went for about 4 months. The regiment the counseler suggested was to rebuild our relationship from the begining...date nights, etc.
He thought this was ridiculous. and gave little effort in subscribing to this.
I had lost all emotion for him including sex. I have trouble having sex with a man with whom, I distrust and have no emotional connection with. Prior to this, our sex life was above average. So this withdrawal had a huge impact on both of us.
OUr counseler had suggested to "fake it til you make it" appraoch.
I have tried that several times, only leaving my self esteem lower than before.
My husband has now become so resentful and enraged that he tries to manipulate me into having sex with him.
I feel like an object, not a wife. He shows no effort in showing me he cares and loves me in any non physical ways. An example, I had a minor surgical procedure recently and he had forgotten about it, he did apologize but blamed me for not reminding him enough. This procedure prohibited me from having sexual contact for several weeks, and when I told him about that he blew up and said it was very convenient for me.
He threatens to leave us, almost on a weekly basis in order to guilt me into sex. He quotes the bible to me telling me the Christ proclaims my wifely duties. ANd if he has sex with someone else, its physical and my fault for not being available to him. I am constantly badgered, daily over refusing sex. I try to explain to him my emotional needs in order for me to make love. He tells me to have sex first then he will be able to fill my needs. It hasn't seemed to work. He knows that I am "faking" it when I do have sex with him, he doesn't care as long as he gets laid. And still, he's a jerk after sex. I can't endure the emotional abuse much longer. He is now telling me that he only went to counseling because i wanted to and he thought it would fix me and my sex issues. I am open to your thoughts and opinions on this matter.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Cheaters cheat. Liars lie. You kind of knew that going in.


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## MsIry (Mar 6, 2011)

Absolutely true. I take responsibility for my part in the past, going forward is what I need help with.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I don't know why you hesitate. What do you want to hear? Sounds like you gave this marriage ample time and effort to work. Either stay and keep suffering abuse and wait for him to cheat (he will you know that) or do what you should have done years ago, divorce him. 

Your low self esteem is not being helped by staying with him. The only reason I see that you would stay is because at some level you the abuse meets some need. Divorce him then figure it out, if you don't he will eventually leave you when he finds someone else (you also know he will do it). How will you feel when he does, better or worse than you feel now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Don't you wish you'd let his wife have him? It does no good to do this, but for every "quote" he has about YOUR role in the bible, there are quotes for the men as well. He's far from living up to what God wants him to be as a husband. He didn't even start out doing what God wanted. Couldn't remain faithful. 

I agree..you need out of this one. I hate to lump all abusers into one category, but they don't change. Please get some self esteem going on here. Please go to therapy for yourself. No one needs this.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You say he has never been a caring and compassionate husband, but you continue to think he will meet your emotional needs. He views women as sexual objects, only for him to get sexual gratification and nothing more.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

At the end of the day, you always need to go back to Ann Landers' question: is your life better with him or without him?

From what you say, he has checked out of your marriage and fatherhood. He doesn't appear to love you, care about you, respect you or even like you. You deserve to be loved and respected by your husband. Your children deserve a mother who demands love and respect from her husband. This will not get better with age. It is time for you to "put on your big girl panties," and take the difficult steps to get on with the life that you and your children deserve. I wish you the best.


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