# I do not understand



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

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 Well, all I know is that I need to talk with someone. Most of my friends are too busy with there jobs or family, which is fine but I need to vent and get some insight, hopefully from some of you people that have experience with relationships. 
I am not going to start from the begging but just from recently. I have been married for 8 years now and we have two daughters together. I just started my thirties and my wife is still at the end of her late twenties. I am not sure how long, but i want to say for most of my marriage I was a heavy drinkier. I want to say anywhere from a 24 oz to a 12 pack a night for the last 5-8 years. 
Well, lets put it this way she has been asking me to stop drinking for a long time now, I have promised after promised that i would stop. Sometimes I would stop for a few weeks to a month but then would start up. I finally went ahead and got help, AA did not work so I went to a pyschologist and that worked. It has been 70 days now since I stopped cold turkey without cravings or anything, I am finally done with the drinking... except I do not think my marriage is fixable now!
All she would tell me is, if I stop drinking and stop being an a*&^% to her that things would be great. So I stopped drinking which now I feel I am myself again, behind the wheel not like before, I was there but not behind the wheel. I tried to tell her, it will take some time for me to stop being an a*&^% because of alcohol withdrawl. 
Now, I know it may take a while for her to see that i am done drinking because before I had relapses but this time she scared me straight. I will give her the time she needs, except it is driving me nuts because I am doing all this changing for her and I get nothing back. I do not get a good morning or goodnight, not to mention a kiss or a hug. I have to initiate that and most of the time I am turned away from. There is no, how was your day, matter of fact, I went home sick from work yesterday and she never once asked how i am feeling or did she try to take care of me. There has been no sex since the first week of september but yet when i ask if this weekend is possible, I get a yes this weekend but then it never happens. 
But yet I was told if I stop drinking and be nice to her things would great.... except i have been doing this and nothing has changed except me. I try to take her out more and she doesnt want to go but she will go with her two girlfriends to see movies, not to mention the ones i really want to see as well. 
Her one friend the other night said why dont you come with too and i said she will not let me go with you guys. She was kind of puzzled once i said this to her.
Also, my wife is all into this facebook thing which I have nothing against but yesterday since i was home sick, I swear from around 5-6 p.m. she went on her laptop till about 11 p.m. on facebook but yet we never talked or sat by each other. She sits on this single like lazy boy chair and i sit on the couch. I always ask her to sit with me and she says she hates that couch. Yet she is the one that wanted it, besides it is damaged from the kids jumping on it... I tell her lets get a new one, we can get rid of this couch and that stupid chair, she says when we get the money sure. 
I am sorry guys for all the blah blah blah stuff but i need to vent, as i am writing this my blood is boiling now!! 
All I want from her is to be a wife! I want affection, communication, love, romance, sex ect.. ect.. but we do not have this now and i feel as if she is waiting for me to get sick of it and end this marriage... I am now the husband she married, instead of the drunk fool. I finally got my act together and grew up for her and my girls... I ask her if it is too late and she says no. 
Now there is one thing that may have an impact here. Once i got my help and started to sober up i noticed she looked very depressed. I was concerned and talked her into seeing a reguler doctor. Sure enough she comes home with a perscription for anit-depressants i believe there called lexapro? could be wrong though but she has been on them for over a month and i see no change. She is supposed to call the doctor after a month and i still think she has not yet called the doctor back yet. 
I was always told that the key to a relationship is communications. With out that you have nothing. This is why i believe she is waiting for me to end this because i am the one always trying to talk but all i get is that i am annoying! So i told her sorry but i am tired of feeling like i just live with someone instead of a marriage. I had a friend once tell me that i should tell her that i want to go to marriage conselling, i said why, he says that if she says yes she wants the marriage to work but if she says no then there is your answer to end it. I asked her and she said yes but yet we have not gone still and this was back in september this year.
Back at the end of July, me and her went to cancun for a week just by ourselves and it was great. We had a blast, we kind of rekindled things between us once the stress was out the way by us being by ourselves. We had so much sex as well too, it felt as if we just started to date. The first week when we came back home were great. She was texting me alot more saying she loves me, shes thinking of me ect.. ect.. but then i started to drink and that stopped. Then we got into the fight in august and since then things have been like this... Sorry guys i probably could have wrote this better but i am a mess right now.
If anyone reads this, thank you for you time to hear me vent and if you provide insight thank you very much cause i am tired of thinking all the time of the day about our marriage and i feel she has no care in the world. I feel as if the saying is true that it is easier to keep her, except for me it is easier to keep him then to leave him.....


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Tony, you need to read Voivod's thread. He is a recovering alcholic over one year sober and that was a big issue in his life. He has been working on himself and his marriage for over a year. They are seperated still, but moving closer and closer together.

Your w is waiting to see that the changes you've made stick. It is as simple as that. If you pine at her or ask her questions about when are we going to do this, etc. it will turn her away from her. 

She needs space and understanding from you as you continue to change. You need to keep showing her you've changed. Actions do speak louder than words. Keep working on yourself. Look at the bright side, you are still in the house together.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You have 8 years to make up for, and you want her to kiss your ass for finally becoming the man you could have been all along... How fair is that, exactly?

A lot of people who have finally woken up after years of this kind of thing are upset that they stopped doing whatever and their spouse hasn't gotten over whatever. They're not understanding that it takes YEARS to get over YEARS of abuse or neglect. 70 days is a triumph for you but it is a drop in the bucket compared to what she suffered.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

she doesnt need anti-depressants. she needs to leave you. you put her and your kids through hell for years and you are going to complain when she doesnt do what? thank you for it? did you really think your actions wouldnt have repercussions? You arent sorry for you what did to your family. you're just after the next high.


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