# I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.



## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.

My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Today he again (only three days since his last attempt- he has only a handful of times ever requested sex twice in the same week!) requested sex and I again *for the second time in our entire marriage* told him no.

I can't believe he actually asked me- he almost never asks me for sex!
And even more so...I can't believe I said no.

On the one hand, I feel strong, like, I don't have to take his withholding of affection anymore.
On the other hand, I feel scared, like, what if I'm just poking the bear and making him angry?

He is acting angry, but when I ask him about how he's feeling he says he has no right to be angry after all that he has put me through (so he is finally acknowledging the hurt he has caused- thats progress!)

All the while the above is going on, we are planning this month's date night to be different than our usual monthly date night. I usually get a sitter, then he takes me to a family friendly resturant, afterwards we might go see a movie. This month, he is responsible for arranging a babysitter (usually my responsibility but we've discussed him showing more effort in our marriage). And instead of doing the "usual routine", we are instead going to go out (possibly with a group of married friends or possibly by ourselves, that is still undecided) to a bar or a club- somewhere that my husband can get a few drinks in him and I can dance.
My husband doesn't know it because I'm hoping to surprise him but I already got an AWESOME dress.

Now, I'm not really sure what the next step is....I'm honestly shocked at how he's come to me twice for sex in one week, and even more shocked at myself for not agreeing to let him use me as a masturbation tool anymore...so I guess maybe the next step is reconnecting so that the desire for sex is mutual?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.
> 
> My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
> To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
> ...


If I were you I'd make him wait a month to send a clear message things need to change. Then reconnect.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

A month seems so excessive....twice is really more than I ever thought I would do

And besides, its not like I said no to purposefully hurt him
I just said no because I didn't feel in the mood, I didn't feel comfortable

I figured once he made some effort and once we reconnected alittle bit then I'd probably feel alot more comfortable and alot more turned on
I mean...all the times I've had sex with him when I wasn't turned on, and all the times I've gone out of my way to seduce him and get him into the mood when I was horny
Is it really too much to ask that maybe he make some efforts to seduce me for a change? To make me feel wanted?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> A month seems so excessive....twice is really more than I ever thought I would do
> 
> And besides, its not like I said no to purposefully hurt him
> I just said no because I didn't feel in the mood, I didn't feel comfortable
> ...


Do the month he'll seduce you...a month isn't going to kill either of you. What it will do is send a clear message to your husband he needs to bring his game up. Let him miss sex. It won't take long he'll start to want you so bad it'll be crazy. Have sex (tell him how awesome he is that you needed that) and repeat. you have to retrain him. Try not seducing him for a while then later when you do he'll miss that and respond positively. Trust me he wont want to do the month thing again. men are lab rats.

You have to shake things up..its easy with guys.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

But I'm not trying to with hold sex to manipulate him. I'm just standing up for myself by saying no when I'm not feeling into it. I'm tired of him treating me like a substitute for his hand.

Surely there are other ways of sending the message that I need more physical affection, more desire from him WITHOUT using sex as a form of manipulation? I mean, we have been talking about the changes that need to occur...


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> you have to retrain him.


I really dislike the word "train" in regards to any human behavior, especially my husband's.
He's a human being whom I respect, I'm not teaching him to stop barking at the doorbell, I'm simply asking for what I deserve in my marriage- a partner who respects and desires me as much as I respect and desire him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

When you have sex with him tell him what you want. If he refuses tell him to maturbate with his hands you veja is no longer available for that service. What do you mean he can't wait a month! He has made you feel like nothing for yrs and you think he can not endure a month. 

You are still being a doormat. You are coming along nicely. You are without bounderies and that is why you let yourself be treated like this. You ate mistaken a Boundary is not manipulation it is setting a line in the sand this is what you will accept. He is free to do as he pleases. You have no control over him just you. If you live without B you become a doormat. 

Who told you with holding sex was manipulation? That what men say but in some cases it is all you can to protect you self esteem. He cannot have sex with you if he cannot give you what you need. He has no incentive to change, you give him what he chooses not to give you. Put B in place now- you decide what you will accept. It is reasonable to tell him that you are willing to have sex with him when he is ready to make the experience mutually enjoyable. If not you will wait until he is ready. Don't waver in this be strong or you will never regain your self esteem. 

Why you put up with this humiliating situation with him is a mystery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I know I've been abit of a doormat and yes, it was humiliating to come to him in lingerie and be told "no" for no reason, the same as it was humiliating to find emails where he complimented women who I know and associate with on their appearances when I can not remember a single time in our marriage he has done so to me without some form of prompting, and it was also humiliating to lay next to him in bed and beg him to let me give him a BJ just in the slim hopes that it might turn him on enough to have sex with me for the first time in two weeks

That said...I'm not out for revenge, I'm not trying to stoop to his levels or humiliate him
I can't be certain but I believe his behaviors to have been thoughtless and careless, rather than cruel in intent- and as such I do not wish to be cruel to him, simply to bring to light his carelessness so that he can correct it [finally]

Its not as if he has ever gone out of his way to insult me and he has never lacked in any other area of our marriage- he is an excellent father to our children, he works hard to provide for our family, and at the end of the day he still likes to sit around and talk with me....he just has become more of a roommate (albeit an excellent roommate) rather than a husband and I'd like to get back to the way it should be between a man and his wife


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> I really dislike the word "train" in regards to any human behavior, especially my husband's.
> He's a human being whom I respect, I'm not teaching him to stop barking at the doorbell, I'm simply asking for what I deserve in my marriage- a partner who respects and desires me as much as I respect and desire him.


You are training "asking" is just a nice way of putting it.

Quit being PR

I'm training my wife to have sex with me.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.
> 
> My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
> To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
> ...


unwantedwife,

FANTASTIC!

You stood up for yourself. You were awesome!

You are right, no need to stoop to his level, "we reap what we sow" (Neagtive behavior projected, recieves negative bahavior in return)

You planted a seed with him, now water it and let it grow.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would love it if my wife rejects me more, gives me a challenge. It's even better when she throws in a tease too, makes me go animalistic. To be honest I lose the mood whenever she just jumps on me too soon.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I gotta be honest...I'm more than alittle surprised at the advice I'm getting here. I'm not saying its bad advice and I'm not trying to insult anyone. I appreciate all your input. I'm just caught off guard because I never thought of these things in this way so I didn't expect other people to tell me what you all are telling me to do.

At this point though, I know I need to try something radical.
What was the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've tried every way I know of to appeal to my husband, to treat him well and hope that he is inspired to do the same for me in return. I've done that for a very long time now and it hasn't worked. I'm ready to try something new, something different...even though its pushing me out of my comfort zone, and even though I would normally view the things I'm doing as wrong, I'm still trying. Because...I don't know what else to try. Nothing else worked.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think you are an 'unwanted wife' at all. You seem to have it right not to go overboard punishing him. Yes the next step is reconnecting. Just see if he has learned his lesson. No need yet for drastic steps.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Your previous post was at the same time as mine. Youve already done something 'radical' first see if its worked before following on.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I would love it if my wife rejects me more, gives me a challenge. It's even better when she throws in a tease too, makes me go animalistic. To be honest I lose the mood whenever she just jumps on me too soon.



^ another thing that has caught me off guard,
I have NEVER heard a man express this sentiment before
I usually hear men complain that they get rejected too much...
in fact, until recently (these past 6 months) I was the only woman I knew of who had the higher libido in her marriage. I was honestly afraid that something might be wrong with me and had even considered going to the doctor to see if they could somehow chemically lower my libido, the way they do for some sex addicts. My husband however told me not to attempt to lower my sex drive by way of medications. He said it sounded like a bad idea, and in hindsight I suppose he was right.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

accept said:


> I dont think you are an 'unwanted wife' at all. You seem to have it right not to go overboard punishing him. Yes the next step is reconnecting. *Just see if he has learned his lesson.* No need yet for drastic steps.


But how will I know that? I can't read his mind, and I'm not really sure what behaviors I'm supposed to be looking for...
I know that he needs to put some effort forth but how do I know that he's not just doing the bare minimum to shut me up vs putting in effort because he actually wants me? Or does reason for action not matter nearly as much as action itself?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think you need worry on that score. Whatever you do dont look at everything he does with a negative attitude. You will find out soon enough. Overdoing it though can make matters much worse. He also needs help and encouragement from you to improve. Praise him if possible.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> If I were you I'd make him wait a month to send a clear message things need to change. Then reconnect.



Your husband has acknowledged that he has wronged you in the past by turning you down sexually. It should not be an eye for an eye thing. This is even the time to make him want you more by dressing up for him. lf you ask for my personal opinion, refusing him sex twice is enough. Please reconnect as fast as possible to avoid pushing him into the arms of strange women. Sex is the oil that greases marriage. Go for it gal.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> But I'm not trying to with hold sex to manipulate him. I'm just standing up for myself by saying no when I'm not feeling into it. I'm tired of him treating me like a substitute for his hand.
> 
> Surely there are other ways of sending the message that I need more physical affection, more desire from him WITHOUT using sex as a form of manipulation? I mean, we have been talking about the changes that need to occur...


When I read your first post, it DID seem to me that you were playing games and using sex as a weapon. But reading a bit more, it sounds like you are trying to be more honest about YOUR feelings. 

There is nothing wrong with turning down sex when you don't feel emotionally safe, not in the mood, etc. I just hope that you are being honest with your husband about what you NEED from him.

I think withdrawing to keep yourself emotionally safe is also totally appropriate when your husband has hurt you. BUT some of the things you accuse him of (not giving you compliments, turning down sex from you) are not necessarily things he is doing to hurt you intentionally. You need to figure out WHY he is turning you down from sex and why he isn't giving you compliments. Have you asked him and told him how you feel when he does this? This is KEY.

If you have CLEARLY communicated with your husband about these things (told him point blank - "when you turn me down for sex it feels like a rejection and makes me think you aren't attracted to me") then go ahead and pull back. You should not be the only one who is giving in the relationshp.

I would also see a MC who can help your husband figure out why he isn't able to give you what you need and how he can start.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> ^ another thing that has caught me off guard,
> I have NEVER heard a man express this sentiment before
> I usually hear men complain that they get rejected too much...
> in fact, until recently (these past 6 months) I was the only woman I knew of who had the higher libido in her marriage. I was honestly afraid that something might be wrong with me and had even considered going to the doctor to see if they could somehow chemically lower my libido, the way they do for some sex addicts. My husband however told me not to attempt to lower my sex drive by way of medications. He said it sounded like a bad idea, and in hindsight I suppose he was right.



I think you "desire" what you cant have. I think thats part of my issue. My wife knows I'm ready 24/7... Where as she is off 24/7. I think its going to take me leaving her to kick her "desire" into high gear.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

UnwantedWife said:


> But how will I know that? I can't read his mind, and I'm not really sure what behaviors I'm supposed to be looking for...
> I know that he needs to put some effort forth but how do I know that he's not just doing the bare minimum to shut me up vs putting in effort because he actually wants me? Or does reason for action not matter nearly as much as action itself?


You will drive yourself crazy if you try to read his "feelings" about his desire for you. 

Feelings are evil and the root of all unhappiness. They have brought marriages to the brink including mine.

In a marriage its all about full commitment and consistent loving actions. That creates the "loving feelings"

I've told my wife this... I think she finally gets it. We'll see soon.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think you "desire" what you cant have. I think thts part of mu issue. My wife knows I'm ready 24/7... Where as she is off 24/7. *I think its going to take me leaving her to kick her "desire" into high gear.*


Oh wow....that is drastic....
At the risk of sounding like an idiot...I would never throw away everything that my husband and I have together over a lack of frequency or a lack of passion in our sex life. He's my best friend, the father of my children...Yes, I am doing everything in my power to fix our sex life but if I fail...I think I'd be able to cope in a sexless marriage

That said, I don't know the specifics of your situation and obviously your relationship must have other deeper problems than mismatched libidos and/or misunderstood sexual needs if you were willing to take the risk of tossing her aside so easily...


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It sounds to me like you are doing a very good job standing up for youself. 

It's as you mentioned previously, it's not about punishing him as much as it's about wanting to feel valued and not taken advantage of. 

I wouldn't do any sort of month long shut out or anything like that. Just continue to communicate. It's a good sign that he acknowledges the hurt he has caused in the marriage. 

And it's a good sign that you are saying no when you aren't comfortable.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

accept said:


> Looking on your profile I notice you have started another three posts all in one day! That means four problems at once!
> I wont comment.


Correction:
I started 3 posts in one day (I was ill and on the computer more than usual, just trying to get to know the online community as I have only recently joined), and one post several days ago (my introductory post which I meantioned earlier in this post).

One post was a light hearted question to the women reguarding whether or not they enjoy receiving flowers, not a problem in my marriage.
One was asking if there are any other adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse on the forum, and if so, would they like to discuss how their abuse has effected their parenting choices. Again, not a problem in my marriage.
And the third post was this one, talking about how the problem in my marriage has progressed and asking the community if anyone had any thoughts on what comes next because I am in unfamiliar territory on this.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Men will ALWAYS ask/want for sex, no matter how often they are told "no". It's how they are wired.

I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Men will ALWAYS ask/want for sex, no matter how often they are told "no". It's how they are wired.
> 
> I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


But the whole reason that I've joined this forum is because my man *doesn't* ask for sex, I do.
The longest we ever went without sex was 2 months because I was waiting to see how long it would take him to make the first move....he still wasn't the one who made the first move, I was.
On average he does ask 1-3 times a month...usually closer to once than three times but I'm trying to be fair with the numbers. Whereas I usually attempt to initate sex about a dozen times a month...and I'm usually told no 2/3rds of the time that I try.
It can get really embarrassing too because there have been a number of times that I've gone all out, bought new lingerie or got a babysitter for the night and I still get told no. Often without a reason.

I *thought* that men were the ones who were always constantly asking for sex until I got married. I was wrong- not everyman wants sex more than his wife does. And it sucks.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Men will ALWAYS ask/want for sex, no matter how often they are told "no". It's how they are wired.
> 
> I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


after enough times he might quit.

be carefull what you ask for when he quits asking then you will wonder if hes still atracted to you.and he might be attracted to your body but refusing sexually relations with your husband will eventually make him lose desire for you.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> You are on the right path to help address the issue.
> 
> My best advice.....Don't, Don't, Don't, lose Confidence.
> 
> ...


THANK YOU!
This is exactly the sort of supportive response I needed to hear. I'm so lost on all of this- my confidence is shattered so I'm desperately trying to regain my sense of self worth while at the same time, stop letting myself be used and its all just so very difficult.
I'm hoping that we can get back on track. And in the mean time, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own [rather enlightening] related personal experiences.



chillymorn said:


> after enough times he might quit.
> 
> be carefull what you ask for when he quits asking then you will wonder if hes still atracted to you.and he might be attracted to your body but refusing sexually relations with your husband will eventually make him lose desire for you.


^ This is similar to where my mind went but I wasn't quite sure how to word it.
Being the person on the receiving end of that intense rejection, I can tell you, Southern Wife, it sounds like what you're doing to your husband is just cruel. 8 out of 10 times...do you really expect that one day his ego won't just deflate, he won't just give up and stop seeing himself as sexy?
A person can only take so much rejection before it causes permanent, lasting damage.
And God forbid that reject chases them into the arms of someone else. They say that a common start to affairs is often when one partner doesn't feel wanted or appreciated. Often they aren't even looking for an affair, but then someone at work or through a hobby group shows them appreciation, and next thing you know an attraction has formed...Everyone wants to be wanted, men and women alike, and to be unwanted by your spouse is one of the most painful things you can experience.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

:yay:


UnwantedWife said:


> THANK YOU!
> This is exactly the sort of supportive response I needed to hear. I'm so lost on all of this- my confidence is shattered so I'm desperately trying to regain my sense of self worth while at the same time, stop letting myself be used and its all just so very difficult.
> I'm hoping that we can get back on track. And in the mean time, thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own [rather enlightening] related personal experiences.
> 
> ...


I'd like to retract what I said about not having sex with him, it was bad advice . You tried a new tactic and it worked.  therefore, I think you should welcome it. 

He hears you and is making an effort that should be greeted with a positive response. I think you should welcome any small step in the right direction and not reject him. The big ones will come, he wants to get it right.

If he got the message about initiating, I am certain he got the message about your need for mutually satisfying sex. Let him know what you recognize his effort. 

This is an excellent accomplishment for you, feel good about it. Don't beat your self up, you did this. It takes courage to change and you did what many people cannot do. This is a time to celebrate your accomplishment. 

Besides if you don't have sex, how would you practice and perfect your new found skills? 

Let me join the other posters who got it right and say :smthumbup: "]CONGRATULATIONS:toast: to you and your hubby too.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


That won't be true his entire life. --Trust me.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree w/ Ocotillo. I would be VERY careful about playing around with your husband's sexual desire. You may find that after being denied he will not come back and ask very many more times before just giving up. 

Marital rejection is a risky strategy.

Far better to define exactly what you want him to be doing better and tell him.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Men will ALWAYS ask/want for sex, no matter how often they are told "no". It's how they are wired.
> 
> I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


Southern: It sound like you have the upper hand. For me, however, I don't care how hot my wife is, she says no 8 out of 10 times? I am going to divorce her or be having an affair. 

Now maybe this is a game you and your hubby play together and recognize that it's a game. That's cool and sounds like fun if you both know what the gig is. But most men are not going to stick around getting shot down 4 of 5 times. Life is too short.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

southern wife said:


> Men will ALWAYS ask/want for sex, no matter how often they are told "no". It's how they are wired.
> 
> I tell my H "no" 8 out of 10 times. Will that make him stop asking for it? Nope!


I'd be very careful with that assumption. Continuous and constant rejection can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. I speak from my experience as a guy.

And as an FYI, I did end up having an exit affair. I should have done the right thing and left before doing that, but leaving was the right decision.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AllenScott (May 30, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'd be very careful with that assumption. Continuous and constant rejection can lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. I speak from my experience as a guy.
> 
> And as an FYI, I did end up having an exit affair. I should have done the right thing and left before doing that, but leaving was the right decision.
> 
> ...


I totally agree!! My wife "lets" me have sex with her once a month. I get the "well let's hurry up and get this over with, I'm tired" when we actually do have sex. That makes me feel like getting an erection... not!! I'm so frustrated with not being able to have sex or be loved by her I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. I love my wife but I'm not happy being the one who's always asking for love and affection for the past several years and I get nothing. So yeah a lot of resentment and frustration has filled my soul. 
And before the questions start about that... Yes I put forth the effort to try and make her happy on every level whereas she does nothing on any level of this marriage. I'm not perfect, but at least I try. That is the main point of our arguements.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I know some people have affairs when they are not getting enough sex from their marriage, but I don't think I could ever be that type of person. In the three years that I've been constantly rejected by my husband, I never once thought about being with another man. I just kept putting more and more effort into seducing my husband.
I will admit there was a short period of time (2 weeks) where I accepted and encouraged another man to compliment me. That said, I never once had any attraction towards that other man, I simply wished that it was my husband paying me those compliments, and to this day I still feel immensely guilty for allowing a man besides my husband to compliment my appearances in that way.

All this time I've had all these reasons why I would never reject my husband- it turns out that turning him down for sex those two times was a real kick in the butt for him. These last two days have been awesome. We had amazing sex the other night. Then, even though we didn't have sex last night (we had some chores and things that needed to get done so there just wasn't time for sex), we still flirted and teased each other even without the sex. And this morning he woke me up with breakfast in bed and a very passionate kiss.

I didn't like turning him down, and I don't want to have to do it again. But since standing up for myself and explaining to him "I'm not having sex with you until I feel wanted by you" -he finally has made efforts to make me feel wanted! He's finally treating me the way I've always treated him!
Granted, its only been two days...time will tell if this is a lasting change or if more work needs to be done (most likely I realize more work will need to be done, Rome wasn't built in a day). But these have been the best two days I have had in over three years. I finally feel mutual respect and mutual desire in my marriage, again.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

no means no. say that a thousand times. bang it into his stupid thick head. what could possibly go wrong?


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

Things are still looking up.
We haven't had sex since that one awesome encounter but its been a tiring, hectic weekend so I have no ill feelings about that. We have flirted and been more touchy than we usually are. We're enjoying making plans for our date night next weekend.
Today I was somewhat horny but at the time he was watching football and I didn't want to bother him so I just used my vibrator to get off. Afterwards, when the game was over, I went to him and offered to help him cum before bed (blowjob). I wasn't horny anymore at that point, but I was feeling kinda loving and I thought it would be a nice loving gesture if he could have that sort of relaxation right before bed, especially with the work week starting tomorrow.
Usually he would turn me down for a blow-job but today he not only accepted the blow-job but also requested vaginal sex! I was willing to do so, and tried, but being 7 months pregnant these things don't always work out. The baby started kicking, my stomach hurt, etc.. So I ended up finishing him off with my mouth after all.

Point is- we're both making efforts and there is actually a connection between us for the first time in a long time.
I hope that he's as happy about this change in our marriage as I am.

Thank you all again for your input and support.
I find it crazy that for three years I felt like I was bashing my head against a wall, getting no where in my efforts, and the very week I join this forum I finally have a break-through.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Good for you UnwantedWife.

I should try the no approach with my husband. I have never said no to him.

I do remember my husband telling me years ago that if i start telling him no all of a sudden, that something in his mind would be wrong. So maybe this is what i need to do... I just need to get the will power to do it... I am a sex starved woman...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It's great to hear things are looking up for you and your intimacy. I wonder if perhaps he likes the challenge / enjoys the tease? 

Here are two threads I started based on my experience with hubs. This may be different to your scenario but in case there's something here that might be of help:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/30719-making-him-wait.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/29495-learning-art-subtlety.html


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It feels good saying "no" to sex, doesn't it


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> It feels good saying "no" to sex, doesn't it


really you take satisfaction reject your husband?

WOW I can"t believe someone who loves their husband would say such a thing.Just hard to wrap my head around such a callous remark.

would it feel good to kick him in the ball or do you just like emotional abuse?

feel sorry for your husband.


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