# What is Life and Marriage? Please answer this ultra stupid man



## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Dear All,

I write this as I really don’t know how to react and respond to situation that I am going through in my life. I am sure you will find it really-really funny (almost everyone has and you have all the rights in the world to laugh make fun of this stupid man) but after you are though with that(sadistic pleasure) please take some time and help me find some serious answers to my problem. 

Born and brought in Improvised and driven by Money society of India for best part of first 25 years I slogged really hard to get the best of the educations I could despite the paucity of funds. I was bright and intelligent (well atleast at that point of time I thought so back then). Destiny smiled on me and I was in Denver (USA) by the time I was 26 working for one of biggest telecommunication giants on a job what most American (let alone Indians) would dream of. 

While concentrating hard on my carrier I almost never got a chance to have to get close to a girls in fact by the time I was 27 I had not even gone on a single date. You can say despite being a very confident man I was touch shy when it comes to matters involving women. It was then at top of my carrier I started to take control of my personal life I started dating this girl who was really-really pretty(I smile as I write this) she use to work in the Safeway next to my house. I really liked her and within a year we were married. I was elated to marry to her.

For the first few months everything was great, but things started to change soon. My wife no longer wanted to have sex with me she said I was not good in bed (mind you I was a virgin back then so I might me naïve in sexual matters). She generally avoided going to social gathering with me. At first I thought nothing about it but one fine day I figured out she was having an affair. When I confronted her this is what she told me. 

•	Our marriage is a relationship of convenience. 
•	She married me for money and I married her because no other girl would ever marry an ugly short height DESI like me. 
•	I am worst then savage in bed and she has biological urges she needs to satisfy for this she needs a real man in her life. 
•	I should not worry about her relationship with this man and she is not leaving me for him. 

When I told this to some of my friends they told me I had it coming as I could never realize she was in it only for money. Some of my friends who are good in matters related to relationship tell me that all relationships are based on give and take and I should learn to live with these facts. 

Now I am too confused what should I do next, perhaps I haven’t understood life marriage and relationships well enough. When I see my parents I don’t see all this happening with them they were poor but happy. Should I divorce my wife and leave America for good (maybe go back to India) because it seems my definition of life doesn’t match with people here. Should I continue in my marriage and accept it as a part of life. Am I overreacting and this happens to everyone. 


Please do respond, if you were ever been in similar situation then please do let me know how you tackled it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

No you should never have to live with someone like that. she is awful and you deserve better.

If she married you for money she is not worth having, there are plenty of lovely women who would love you for you.

If she didn't like how you were in bed she should have gently guided you and been honest. No one knows what they are doing at first. but there is no reason to be cruel.

She is having an affair and doesn't seem to care, she obviously does not care for you, and it is in no way your fault.

Do not let her manipulate you and do not stay with her.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

*Dump her. Trust me when I say this - you WILL find someone much MUCH better than this.*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NO - this doesn't happen to everyone, and you deserve BETTER!! 
Do not stay with this women. There R women who look to $$ to get a man. In this, you was definitely niave. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I did not laugh. Alot of women marry for money, only to seek a divorce and a good settlement, in this regards, should there be a law to make pre-nup manditory for men earning more than 100,000? | Answerbag

Not all women are like your wife though, look for character, background when seeking a wife. What are her interests, values? If you are sweeped off your feet with her beauty, please understand many many other men are also and she has a wide wide variety of men to choose from, maybe she was looking for the highest earner she could snatch- to ensure herself a "easy' carefree life. Are you a Doctor or something? 

In American, If a low earning male who never had any luck with the ladies was to win the Lottery, the next day he might have half the town of women swooning at his feet, whereas before this day, they never gave him a glance. 

Some do marry for convenience, Like older powerful Rich men -they seem to have no trouble picking up younger beauties, who revel in the fame & fortune. Most would have some type of Marital Prenup agreement written up that if they cheat , they forfeit all $$, I really have no clue. These men marry for Sex, their women marry for the money - this is not love, this is convenience. 

If this was a marraige of convenience, she has slaughtered her end of the deal, with insulting you deeply , and being with another man.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> NO - this doesn't happen to everyone, and you deserve BETTER!!
> Do not stay with this women. There R women who look to $$ to get a man. In this, you was definitely niave. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I did not laugh. Alot of women marry for money, only to seek a divorce and a good settlement, in this regards, should there be a law to make pre-nup manditory for men earning more than 100,000? | Answerbag
> 
> Not all women are like your wife though, look for character, background when seeking a wife. What are her interests, values? If you are sweeped off your feet with her beauty, please understand many many other men are also and she has a wide wide variety of men to choose from, maybe she was looking for the highest earner she could snatch- to ensure herself a "easy' carefree life. Are you a Doctor or something?
> ...


Dear SimplyAmorous,

Thanks for your response. No, I am not a doctor; I am in the field of R&D for telecom networks. I agree I am a really foolish man who got conned. But the question here is not that, I really want to know what should I do next. She quite obviously wont be interested in divorce as she is only married to me for an year more so she doesn’t earn (i.e. she will not get much money in terms of alimony). Secondly, I don’t know about her but when I took my wedding vows I meant them. I don’t see her as evil but more as a spoiled child (after all she is only 24 I am nearly 30). As far is money is concerned anyways it’s hers, I mean what do we all men earn for. As far as her sexual fantasies go who would be interested in her 15 years down the line when she is not young and beautiful any longer. 

More importantly what is the guarantee the next women I come across won’t be like her. Call me plain stupid but I still believe in the concept of you marry only once in you lifetime and even after what all has happened I don’t know why but I still love her. 

All I want her is to stop behaving like a teenager (stop practicing promiscuity), own up her decisions and move forward but perhaps I am setting unrealistic goals. 

Wow! Now that’s called height of optimism.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm sorry you fell into such a trap. Being your first real romantic relationship, it isn't "funny" at all that you looked at her through rose tinted glasses. I don't fault you or think you're stupid at all. 

She has to be having more needs filled by you than just money. That would make her like a prostitute, you know? You have to do something for her that makes her want to stay. Seeing that you have everything to gain and not much to lose, it's time for you to protect yourself and make some bold moves. Check out this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html You have to live for you. She might come around, but she might now. And it's sad that her idea of marriage is not the same as yours. But you sound like a good man. And there are better women out there. I know you don't like the sound of divorce, but you deserve someone to love you for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

vin1984 said:


> She quite obviously wont be interested in divorce as she is only married to me for an year more so she doesn’t earn (i.e. she will not get much money in terms of alimony).


 So you are worried about HER, even though she admitted to marrying you for $$$, (using your own words here)...that no other woman would marry you, you are worse than a savage in bed & she needs a real man AND don't worry, she will continue to use the real man while she uses you for your $$. Please see this -- the woman is a USER, this is degrading TO YOU, you are being TOO NICE, you deserve to be loved, desired, cherished by the woman you have given your life, your vows too. 



vin1984 said:


> Secondly, I don’t know about her but when I took my wedding vows I meant them. I don’t see her as evil but more as a spoiled child (after all she is only 24 I am nearly 30). As far is money is concerned anyways it’s hers, I mean what do we all men earn for. As far as her sexual fantasies go who would be interested in her 15 years down the line when she is not young and beautiful any longer.


You may have meant your vows, but you was not aware at the time she didn't mean hers the way you meant yours, these were under FALSE PRETENSE, doesn't THIS change things- for you? Shouldn't it ? 

Yes, you earn money for your family, those you love and IF she would remain faithful to you, her husband she VOWED too - and forsake this other man and ALL OTHER MEN, maybe you can continue this marriage of convenience, but can you live without the DESIRE & passion of the one you desire intimately??? This is the question. 

Personally, I could NEVER be in a marriage like that, I would feel reduced to a "beggar" in my mind, in such a circumstance. These are just MY thoughts. I need the LOVE, the devotion, the passion from my other half , Vows are not enough "for Me". 

 If you split up, it is not your concern what will happen to her down the road, 15 -20 yrs, those are HER choices, *she choose to HURT you, break her vows to YOU, this IS your concern*.



vin1984 said:


> More importantly what is the guarantee the next women I come across won’t be like her. Call me plain stupid but I still believe in the concept of you marry only once in you lifetime and even after what all has happened I don’t know why but I still love her.


Do not call yourself stupid, Obviously you are a highly intelligent man, with working so very hard to earn that education growing up impoverished, look how far you have come in your field of expertise & with what you earn for a living, I do not even know what R&D is! 

You are learning right here about LOVE, relationships, what is NOT supposed to happen in a loving marraige. You know in your conscience she is doing you very very wrong, that is why you are here, seeking this advice out. 

Again, not all women are like this. Look for a woman who has character, life experiences, someone who looks upon the heart over a man's bank account. Who enjoys your company, wants to hold you, hear of your dreams, has the same goals as you , hopefully the same Love languages. I agree you will have to test these women if you truly earn alot of money, tricker by far to know who is genuine. Never rush into marraige, tread slowly and carefully. 



vin1984 said:


> All I want her is to stop behaving like a teenager (stop practicing promiscuity), own up her decisions and move forward but perhaps I am setting unrealistic goals.


Does she have ANY Physical attraction for you ? These things can be very powerful. If she does not have this towards you, and it is important to HER, this could be an unrealistic goal. 

One can learn better skills in the bedroom with time, patience, determination,many books , dvd's to help with this skills. 

Spoiled little girls can learn from their mistakes too --but they will need consequences, or they will continue to take advantage, abuse and remain ever more spoiled. 

This you do NOT want.


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

If you bought something from the store under the condition that it was guaranteed to work for life, then it broke right after you got it home, would you be ok with that? Would you still hold a high opinion the business that sold the item to you? Would you still trust the salesperson that articulated the guarantee to you? Would you shop there again?

In this analogy, your (excuse for a) wife is both the business and the salesperson and she doesn't deserve you as a customer anymore.

Please do not let this woman treat you like a DOORMAT. Have some self-esteem and set your boundaries. TELL her that you won't tolerate this behavior. If she insists on not treating you fairly, LEAVE. (Doesn't get any more instructional than that, huh?) You wanted direct advice, there it is, sir. (Other responders haven't exactly been beating around the bush, either.)

She put the ball in your court when you confronted her about the affair, now it's time you return the favor.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

The next thing you need to do is marriage counseling. If she wants to stay in the marriage she must agree or you have to leave her. Period.

If she were completely evil and a con artist she would never tell you the things she did. It would blow her "con". She sounds hurt, confused and like a spoiled child as you pointed out. Marriage turned out harder then she thought. She might even hate herself for going to another man for this "fantasy sex". Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

Okay you found her at the local Safeway. She might not have a clue where she fits into your socio-economic level. USA is not a classless society. What does she do all day? If she's not working she's acting like a teenager with no responsibilities. You need to make sure she knows what the plan is for the two of you. She needs to know she is important to you and working toward the future with you. 

You have to take the lead here. Have a vision for your marriage. Talk with each other. She needs to know that she is not just a pretty "doll" that you picked up. If she isn't working, most wives in USA are in charge of your social life, home and kids. Do you have a friend at work that has a sweet wife that is a little older that would take her under her wing and show her the ropes in town? She needs to be doing things for you and your marriage rather then filling up her time with some throwaway man. She should be busy with doing something important to the two of you. Only you two can figure what that will be together.

You have some big challenges ahead of you with the cultural differences and an immature wife. Of course it was easier for your parents because they shared a common history. You're obviously smart and accomplished, use the same skills to work on your marriage that made your work a success.

Insist on no more contact with the "other man", insist that she start working on her communication skills with a therapist with you, get her busy on working on doing things that make her happy and are good for your marriage.

You won't be happy unless you try but if she doesn't want to change you won't being doing yourself or her any good by staying in a loveless marriage of convenience.

I would tempt her with a vision for your marriage and how it could be if she works on it with you since you guys have had some cultural hurdles as well as communication problems. Then I'd totally go to the 180 plan. 

She needs to see you as the leader in the relationship. Be calm. Show her what a grown up is. Apoligize for anything you feel like you have done. And she better apoligize for the "other man". Bottom line is, you can show her how you expect to be treated, with dignity and respect, that dosen't really change across cultures. If she doesn't grow and respond you have to leave.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Hi All,

Thank you for all your wonderful and insightful replies. All while you were responding Madam (my wife) was sleeping after last nights tiff under the influence of wine. She woke up to a hangover only to realize what all she had been talking last night. 

So she comes to me and tries to cajole me. She tells me how pathetic a creature she is to cheat on me. She wants me to give her a second chance and not to believe a word she said last night as she was ashamed of what she did and said all that under influence of alcohol and guilt (well one thing I can vouch all she might have done she never talked lowly of me ever prior). 

She tells me she wants me to take her Credit Card and Driving License as a punishment. She even wants us to have baby making her useless for other men (I don’t know how this is even related) according to her she felt lonely and bored while I was out on business trips and she needs company so if give her a kid(plan a baby) that will keep her busy. 

She tells me she wants no money from me and can sign on any piece of paper that devoid her of any money should we be separated provided I accept her and forgiver her. Last but not the least she is ready to quit alcohol. 

I told her I am honestly not sure whether she was lying last night or now. I am not even sure how snatching her CC and DL would help. I would love to have kids but certainly not at this flimsy premise. 

Well you guys have been awesome in trying to help me out, can you please tell me should I give in or show her the way out. If you ask me personally I would like to give her a second chance given that she is young, immature, less educated and above all she is my wife but having said that she has done nothing to deserve this second chance. 

Someone had asked me what she has been doing since marriage well honestly I am the one to be blamed for it. I told her she needs to no longer work to support her. Call it my Indian upbringing but we still love housewife. 


Regards,
Vineet


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Usually I'm pro-marriage on this forum. However, in your case I'm going to say get a divorce--the sooner, the better. This woman in not wife material whether it be here in the US or India. 



vin1984 said:


> She tells me she wants me to take her Credit Card and Driving License as a punishment. She even wants us to have baby making her useless for other men (I don’t know how this is even related) according to her she felt lonely and bored while I was out on business trips and she needs company so if give her a kid(plan a baby) that will keep her busy.


Please don't be this naive. This woman is playing you. If you have a child with her, it will make things so much more complicated.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There are other women out there.

You can find a woman from your home country or someone from here.

Just be careful in choosing someone who wants you and you want her.

Don't make it a using relationship.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Please listen to the above posters. This woman is a con artist. You owe her nothing, and your love is way beyond what she deserves. Please make sure she doesn't have a child...it would make no difference at all. That's just a way to insure that she'd continue to get money from you (child support).

Women like this make me ashamed. You deserve way better than this. WAY better. And you can have it, but not until you get rid of the albatross around your neck.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

major misfit said:


> Please listen to the above posters. This woman is a con artist. You owe her nothing, and your love is way beyond what she deserves. Please make sure she doesn't have a child...it would make no difference at all. That's just a way to insure that she'd continue to get money from you (child support).
> 
> Women like this make me ashamed. You deserve way better than this. WAY better. And you can have it, but not until you get rid of the albatross around your neck.


Well It seems Writing is pretty much on the wall. Oh my God it took me 28 years to find someone and here I am back to square one. 

It pretty much sucks to tell your wife you are dumping her but perhaps it would for her good as well. I spoke to one of the lawyers and he said to me that she should pretty much forget about any alimony for such short marriage(I don't mind giving her something to start a new life maybe). 

I don’t know why but I still love her, and feel sorry for her more then for myself. 

Word to Wise: Never marry a girl whose socio-economic status is 10X different then yours. I learnt it the hard way.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Good for you! I can see that you are a very kind and caring person; you will find someone worthy of that. Hang in there!


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Dear Homemaker_Numero_Uno

You are the first person in this blog to advice me not to dump her, and I am glad there is someone who thinks like me. I agree my wife is rash, abrupt, childish kind of stupid but con no. I guess it takes some taking to be one. I am in a job that brings me across a lot of people who are really-really shrewd. Without disrespecting her intelligence I would like to say she has never ever done anything according to plan.

There are some mistakes I have done as well. Particularly like taking her out to four seasons for our first date, when she herself told me she has never been to an expensive place ever in her life. Gifting her 85K ring, this would certainly marred her thinking from taking a right kind of a decision. It was immature on my part to think a girl who is full of energy, charisma and youth would fall for an ugly guy never mind race and the five years age gap. I mean when you have plenty of handsome men eager for a second glance why would you choose a jerk like me. 

When I met her she was barely able to make her ends meet. I was awestruck by her beauty (I am till today) the vibrant energy that flows with her. Maybe similarly she got lured by my lifestyle. 

Yes her upbringing was not of the kind one would be proud of. Her father is an abusive man who still beats her mother even today. She left school at vey young age to start supporting her mother and herself. 

As far as her cheating ways are concerned well I may offend some people but people here is America people absolutely love the concept of “one night stands” when you already married to someone else. Some of my white male friends have these casual flings going on all while they are married with kids. It hurts me a lot what she did but again you cannot change the past. While marrying her I was in a way kind of thinking from my pants she perhaps used her brain too much. 

As far as love is concerned I know whatever she may say or not say she is attached to me. Initially she might have married me for money but that’s not the case today.

Since, yesterday she is been very quite (very unlike her), I saw her crying in the bathroom (she had no clue I knew it). She needs to learn some lesson so here is what I have planned for her. 

•	If I ever catch her cheating again she is going packing out of my life. 
•	We will catch up with a Marriage Counselor and may be a psychologist to put some good sense in her head. 
•	No alcohol or any such nasty stuff that accentuates her eccentric behavior. 
•	No kids for now, first you go back to school and complete your education. 
•	Last but not the least she has to start living a slightly modest life. She cannot treat people with disrespect. 

As far saving my financial assets from her I don’t really care much. Even six years back in India I use to earn more then I could spend. After all I also need someone to burn my money 


What do you think do we have a realistic chance to bring in a change? As for people who want me to dump her honestly speaking I am too weak a man to do she is kind of indispensable to me.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Let me see..

Our first date was in The New Yorker Hotel (Manhattan). I had never before been to a hotel, unless you count some camping lodging.

I come from a NOW firm middle-middle class. However when I was a kid up until I was maybe 12, we were a somewhat lower-middle class. My husband comes from a very high end and very rich Indian family, he went to an Ivy league university for both undergrad and grad programs.

I don't know and honestly don't care how much the ring cost. The rock is quite big. I don't even wear it. It's kept in a box, for some special and very rare occasions. Not to mention two thick solid 22 karat Gold "shankha palas" (bangles that are traditional marriage symbols for Bengalis).

When I met him I just turned 19. He is 10 years older.

So honestly, it is entirely possible to be that young _and _coming from that background _and _having that age difference _and _that huge financial difference _and _coming from two different continents and _still not screw it up_.

I sent you a private message a few days back. You never responded. I don't know whether you had a chance to read it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I will stick to my original assessment. You do not need this woman in your life. It has nothing to do with where she works or her economic background. It has everything to do with who SHE is and where her heart is. The only reason she appears to be remorseful currently is because she is afraid "life on easy street" is in jeopardy. 





vin1984 said:


> I mean when you have plenty of handsome men eager for a second glance why would you choose a jerk like me.


You have got to stop looking at yourself in this negative light. Otherwise you will continue to attract people like your wife. You really need to find ways to improve your self-esteem. Your wife is definitely not helping on this front. 



vin1984 said:


> When I met her she was barely able to make her ends meet. I was awestruck by her beauty (I am till today) the vibrant energy that flows with her.


A successful marriage needs so much more than beauty. There is nothing beautiful about this woman's spirit.




vin1984 said:


> Maybe similarly she got lured by my lifestyle.


There's a good chance there. Here in this country she is referred to as a "gold digger". They are all over the place. Ask yourself this question, "If I were broke, would this woman hang around?"





vin1984 said:


> As far as her cheating ways are concerned well I may offend some people but people here is America people absolutely love the concept of “one night stands” when you already married to someone else.


No, most of us Americans do not love this concept. It is unacceptable behavior to most of us in a monogamous relationship. Besides it is down right dangerous. There are still diseases out there which are incurable. 




vin1984 said:


> As far as love is concerned I know whatever she may say or not say she is attached to me. Initially she might have married me for money but that’s not the case today.


Hmmmm....That's all I see--a gold digger.




vin1984 said:


> What do you think do we have a realistic chance to bring in a change?


No. She will straighten up for a little while because she is worried you will "dump" her. When things cool off, she will go back to her old ways. Only she will do a better job of hiding those things from you. Miracles do occur, but I don't see one happening with her.




vin1984 said:


> As for people who want me to dump her honestly speaking I am too weak a man to do she is kind of indispensable to me.


How on earth is this woman indispensable to you? Unless....you enjoy suffering. You can do much better. You need to find some self confidence and gain strength. You can find a woman with a beautiful heart and soul. Physical beauty is nothing. It will fade, but a beautiful heart and soul will last for eternity.

I wish you happiness and self confidence.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Well all of you want me to dump her. Fine, I may be able to bear the pain but has any one thought what would happen of her. 

She would be on street without a Job. Where she will go, what she will eat. Secondly my parents taught me to help strangers in need she is my legally wedded wife. She has no great education finding a job for her would be tough. Lastly I know it would be tough but try and put yourself in her shoes irrespective of what she has done tomorrow, your husband dumps you. You have no friends and family in the city where will you go. 

I hate this word dump it feels like I am not talking about my wife but some trash. I have not been the most Ideal son either left my parents for USA when they were old despite being the only son of my parents, Married a girl here against their wishes they haven’t dumped me.


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

vin1984 said:


> Well all of you want me to dump her. Fine, I may be able to bear the pain but has any one thought what would happen of her.
> 
> She would be on street without a Job. Where she will go, what she will eat. Secondly my parents taught me to help strangers in need she is my legally wedded wife. She has no great education finding a job for her would be tough. Lastly I know it would be tough but try and put yourself in her shoes irrespective of what she has done tomorrow, your husband dumps you. You have no friends and family in the city where will you go.
> 
> I hate this word dump it feels like I am not talking about my wife but some trash. I have not been the most Ideal son either left my parents for USA when they were old despite being the only son of my parents, Married a girl here against their wishes they haven’t dumped me.


Don't get semantic on here, man. You're not literally dumping her. You would be leaving her. She survived just fine until the day you met and all of us have a survival instinct. If she is as manipulative as she sounds, she'll just move on to someone else she can take advantage of. Don't be so naive.

But, since you feel like you can't live without her, there is the other alternative: putting up with whatever she puts you through.

PS. I would strongly advise you not have a child with this woman.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Oh I didn't realize she was drunk when she spilled the beans. Yeah, I vote that she's a con artist and you need to get out quick and never look back.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

First of all - kudo's - if that's want you want to call them for her at least BEING HONEST WITH YOU.

She laid it all out for you - the good, the bad, and the ugly (not you).

No - you don't have to live like this unless it doesn't bother you that your wife married you for the money (there are a lot of famous people that it doesn't bother one bit). But if you want true love, companionship and a partner - then your wife isn't going to be the one to fill those needs.

There are MILLIONS, literally, of women that would find you a good catch, even without the money - this is what love is. Her version of love I could do without.

So no - this is not what marriage should be about. For her apparently, but you are intelligent enough to realize that you got the short end of the stick (and that's why you're here).

So...you love her. She apparently doesn't love you. Are you willing to "settle" for that - if so, then you've got your answer.

If not - then dump her and find a woman who will love and respect you for who you are, not the greenbacks in your wallet.

Good luck to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

vin,
I'm glad you see the writing on the wall and that is a great move in talking to a lawyer...good job and smart!

She is so going to want you back and will try her best to turn you back in to a submissive husband that she once had. Do not allow that to happen, be strong in the belief that you are right and she is wrong. No matter what she tells you ... you are the rightous one and diserve happiness.

Your parents are happy and you see the way they treat each other right? Well then learn by there examble. you see how your mom treats your dad right? well are you going to get that from your wife?

I believe you will get some nice treat ment from her know but it won't be long before she is up to her old ways. See me being a drinker it is my experience that when I speak of such thing as she did it is how I really feel. So I believe she at one point truely felt this way about you b/c she is immature and doesn't realize what a hard working guy you are.

She doesn't see a stable and secure guy that would have taken care of her. In stead she is in this fantasy world. I think she likes it there. I think once she gets you back you will be getting belittled again and no one diserves that sh*t. Man up and own yourself take back your self respect and tell her to move on and that you are now better and stronger and if you want her back you will decide when to take her back... not her.

I see no reason to rush in and take her back. make her wait and if you see a change for the better then you can always start back up, but I would give it year. So please at least set a time line and seperate from her for now. I would bet that as soon as you split she will be with OM. this will show you her true colors.

Granted you guys seperate and she become a better person well then you can readdress the relationship, but for know you need distance from her. This time away will give you a chance to rebuild your confidence that she has taken away from you.

So I hope you get my point? Let her wait it out and see what she does. Some time we have to let the ones we love free so we stop getting hurt by them.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

After a night of drinking and partying, people will promise anything to make things good again. But these are all empty promises. In a few days, its back to business as usual.

Cheating is the worst form of betrayal in a marriage. It is very difficult to truly get over this hurt for most.

Definately no children. This is a trap women use to keep a man. Once you have a child with her you are screwed.

You have a "fixer Upper" and this makes for a lifelong effort of frustration to build a happy marriage. Don't wait for the prime of your life to pass waiting for her to turn into the loving wife you crave; if that ever happens.

My advice?

Dump the B***h and move back to India. India is booming, and with your education and work experience you will find good work in no time.

Find someone that's like minded, share common interests, same religion, culture, diet, background, vision of the future, etc.

Learn about relationships and marriage. We are not born with this knowledge and most of us learn as we go - the hard way - and end up with a broken heart. This is a great site to start you marriage education. Marriage education is not a one time thing, its a lifelong educational journey. 

Do this and you will have a happy marriage one day.


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

vin1984 said:


> She would be on street without a Job. Where she will go, what she will eat.
> 
> I hate this word dump it feels like I am not talking about my wife but some trash.


I'm sure Safeway is probably still hiring.

I'd suggest getting rid of her, and quick. I married a similar con-artist, and I will likely be taken for a pile of money as a result. Wouldn't that money have been better spent on a *real* wife who loves you, perhaps one not as pretty but that actually cares about you.

This woman doesn't deserve it, she is trash.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> What do you think do we have a realistic chance to bring in a change?


People do change and it is possible. I changed. Be clear that she needs to get into MC with you and work things out. If she is unwilling to do that and work hard, then leave her.

Where you are at is 100% not ok. She really needs to decide between fixing whats wrong (both of you, you probably have some issues too) and losing you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I to believe in second chances, but I sure had to work for them, and so has my W. We both put in the effort and we both saw the changes and noticed that the other one was doing, so we excepted each other back and forgave the others misgivings.

I just think that vin should give it some time and see if she is willing to take the step like MC, IC, and just changing her attidude on life.

My gut tells me that if he makes it to easy for her to come back, she will emotionaly control him again and he will be back to square one in fighting off the pain.

It most likely took him awhile to get to a point to talk to lwayer and get to a point to acknowlodge and understand the unhealty marriage. If he takes a step back and submit to her will..his wife will have learned nothing from the consequences that tore up the marriage.

I think a little time will either bring her closer or push her away. If she wants to commit and has as much love as vin does for her she will take her licks and stuggle threw the seperation and be true to him and show him a changed women.
I just want to see her change her ways before vin decides in taking her back. If he lets her back now she aint gona change jack!


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

Just thought to give you all an Update. Last Thursday night she came back home drunk and High on something that smelled horrible. I confronted her to which she started shouting and said she wanted to leave. I told her if she wants to leave then leave immediately. She left to no trace. 

Its been four days I have no clue where is she is. Looks like she made is easy for me. But I don’t know why I am still not happy. 

I thank you all for your continued support. Perhaps this is what future had in store for me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Glad she made it easy for you. However, I'm very sorry for the pain you are going through. It will get better for you.


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## vin1984 (Mar 5, 2011)

BabyWifey said:


> Be a hot man, improve your bedroom skills.
> 
> There's no ugly men, there's only lazy men who don't take care of themselves.
> 
> ...


Lady with no offence towards you, but as I introspect these are the exact things that caused my downfall. 

I spent a fortune to lure (yes, I would use the word lure) my immature wife into this relationship. My wardrobe bill for last two years would be far more them my wardrobe bill for 26 years put together when I was single. 

I think I mentioned prior as well that I took my wife out for date at four seasons when she had never been to an expensive place ever before. I don’t want to talk about social status as I generally consider these talks infra-dig. 

In all I agree I don’t have a great sense of humor (unless you discount the fact that life has taken funny take on me) but carrier wise I am stable and secure to least. 

My experience (which I agree is limited to my wife or shall I call my ex-wife) tells me. I would have been far better served had I not tried to portray what I was not. Surely, if I take your advice I will find someone real quick (which people on this blog refer to as gold-digger). However, I would prefer to stay single all my life then to waste it on the whims and fancies of an “Object of Desire”. 

Pardon my saying so your advice will create a lot of idiots like me hurt and single. People should acknowledge the fact that they have limitations and never try to conceal these shortcomings. If others can look through them great else stay single or end up in a relationship of convenience (never advisable).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

vin, now you are thinking. You are exactly right; if you follow Babywifey's advice, you will get another "gold digger". That's not where you want to be again. You have many positive qualities; just be yourself. Be confident in the man you are and never compromise your values and beliefs. The _right_ woman will come along.


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