# Is it annoying? Or am i being a jerk?



## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

First of all I'm new here, hello everyone and i hope youre having a wonderful evening. I just need some opinions from different people. So, my wife took all three kids to a drive-in movie tonight. Kids are 4 months, 7 and 11. I said I had a rough week at work and I dont want to go. So all I wanted to do was stay home and smoke meat and so that's what I did. Then an hour or so goes by, she calls and says: "hey, can you bring over some chairs for us?". I hesitated, and she said: "is that going to be a problem?" And then i said: "well I told you I didn't want to go, but if I'm already running you out chairs, I might as well stay!". And then she said: Nevermind, just forget it!". And now she wont answer the phone. How am I suppose to feel when I drop off the chairs and see my kids that would probably beg me to stay? Like, do I say: "sorry kids I don't want to stay with you, but here's your chairs. Enjoy the movie!"? Am I out of line? Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong, I'm not made out of glass.

Thank you everyone!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

That would be frustrating no doubt. I get it and I’m a woman on your side. Kind of almost feels like she’s picking a fight perhaps? Maybe upset you didn’t want to tag along, conveniently forgets chairs.. idk. 
Sometimes I’m doom and gloom.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You can't kiss your kids and tell them that daddy's tired and he'll see then at home?

Is it the bringing of chairs or the idea of having to stay that bothers you?

Why are you continuing to call her? What's it going to accomplish? Wait for her to get home and tell her that you were tired and didn’t think it was fair of her to try to drag you out when you'd already said you weren't up for it. See what she says.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> You can't kiss your kids and tell them that daddy's tired and he'll see then at home?
> 
> Is it the bringing of chairs or the idea of having to stay that bothers you?
> 
> Why are you continuing to call her? What's it going to accomplish? Wait for her to get home and tell her that you were tired and didn’t think it was fair of her to try to drag you out when you'd already said you weren't up for it. See what she says.


I would of told my kids something along those line, im just saying that's how I would of felt like. But no, it's the whole chairs thing. And she does this quite a bit. I mean I love her to death, but come on now. I would never ask her to go out of the way and bring me things. If I came across a problem that I wasn't prepared for, I dont want to inconvenience anyone else for something I wasn't ready for, unless it was like life or death. I would just fix it myself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m a female on your side. If I forgot chairs then I’d do without.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> That would be frustrating no doubt. I get it and I’m a woman on your side. Kind of almost feels like she’s picking a fight perhaps? Maybe upset you didn’t want to tag along, conveniently forgets chairs.. idk.
> Sometimes I’m doom and gloom.


See, you get it. And this thread is not suppose to be an out for blood thread by any means. I just wanted to see if I was being out of line. Thanks!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I would of told my kids something along those line, im just saying that's how I would of felt like. But no, it's the whole chairs thing. And she does this quite a bit. I mean I love her to death, but come on now. I would never ask her to go out of the way and bring me things. If I came across a problem that I wasn't prepared for, I dont want to inconvenience anyone else for something I wasn't ready for, unless it was like life or death. I would just fix it myself.


But! Is your wife used to you swooping in? Do you cater to her most of the time out of that place of loving her? If she’s grown accustomed to it, it’s just a natural reaction. Some men take care of their wives that way and thatis beautiful to
Be honest but some women just don’t realize how inconvenient they are at times if is a usual thing their husband does?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Another female on your side. Enjoy your peace and hope you get to relax and wind down. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> First of all I'm new here, hello everyone and i hope youre having a wonderful evening. I just need some opinions from different people. So, my wife took all three kids to a drive-in movie tonight. Kids are 4 months, 7 and 11. I said I had a rough week at work and I dont want to go. So all I wanted to do was stay home and smoke meat and so that's what I did. Then an hour or so goes by, she calls and says: "hey, can you bring over some chairs for us?". I hesitated, and she said: "is that going to be a problem?" And then i said: "well I told you I didn't want to go, but if I'm already running you out chairs, I might as well stay!". And then she said: Nevermind, just forget it!". And now she wont answer the phone. How am I suppose to feel when I drop off the chairs and see my kids that would probably beg me to stay? Like, do I say: "sorry kids I don't want to stay with you, but here's your chairs. Enjoy the movie!"? Am I out of line? Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong, I'm not made out of glass.
> 
> Thank you everyone!


Why didn't she bring her own chairs? Was this just a manipulative way to get you to come over there? That would have annoyed me.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> But! Is your wife used to you swooping in? Do you cater to her most of the time out of that place of loving her? If she’s grown accustomed to it, it’s just a natural reaction. Some men take care of their wives that way and thatis beautiful to
> Be honest but some women just don’t realize how inconvenient they are at times if is a usual thing their husband does?


I mean, ill do it. If it's something she absolutely needs! No questions, but if it's something like this? I let her know that it's annoying.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I mean, ill do it. If it's something she absolutely needs! No questions, but if it's something like this? I let her know that it's annoying.


Well I’m on your side, however, just because I am looks like some others are is nota hall pass to become a jerk over tall this lol. I feel like you’re righteous, just don’t blow it out of proportion even though she may. Extend that grace and see what happens. Good luck.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

The thing is, I was gonna do it, but I was just letting her know that it was annoying. Lol


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Well I’m on your side, however, just because I am looks like some others are is nota hall pass to become a jerk over tall this lol. I feel like you’re righteous, just don’t blow it out of proportion even though she may. Extend that grace and see what happens. Good luck.


Thanks, and no I won't do that. Lol and I will use that grace. Even though I know she's pissed at me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I would of told my kids something along those line, im just saying that's how I would of felt like. But no, it's the whole chairs thing. And she does this quite a bit. I mean I love her to death, but come on now. I would never ask her to go out of the way and bring me things. If I came across a problem that I wasn't prepared for, I dont want to inconvenience anyone else for something I wasn't ready for, unless it was like life or death. I would just fix it myself.



So I assume you've discussion this with her before?

What has she said in response?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> The thing is, I was gonna do it, but I was just letting her know that it was annoying. Lol


Ata boy. Good men still exists.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> So I assume you've discussion this with her before?
> 
> What has she said in response?


She just doesn't really discuss anything, she's tough and won't apologize and I'm wrong and she's right.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most people who don’t mind inconveniencing others (like your wife) absolutely don’t want anyone inconveniencing them.

She sounds rude and inconsiderate to me.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> She just doesn't really discuss anything, she's tough and won't apologize and I'm wrong and she's right.


Ew.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

How’s your marriage otherwise? Her saying “is that going to be problem” and then not answering the phone makes me believe there may be more to it.

Maybe she’s just pissed you didn’t go and the chairs were her way of being passive aggressive. Either way, she sounds immature or maybe just a stressed mom.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's nothing wrong with having some boundaries.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> How’s your marriage otherwise? Her saying “is that going to be problem” and then not answering the phone makes me believe there may be more to it.
> 
> Maybe she’s just pissed you didn’t go and the chairs was her way of being passive aggressive.


I mean it gets rough at times, we don't agree on alot but we're working on that. I'm trying to be supportive with everything she does. But when I feel like it's a bad idea and I'll tell her, she'll get real defensive about it. Like I don't support her, but im just giving her my opinions. And then she gets sad like I'm not supporting her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife needs to learn that Life’s not just about her getting her way and you’re not there to always agree with her. That leads to resentment and once you start down that road it’s hard to change it.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Thanks everyone for your input, by the way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How far away is the drive in movie? 
I know I am British and we don't do drive in movies, but isn't the point that you sit in the car and watch them?


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How far away is the drive in movie?
> I know I am British and we don't do drive in movies, but isn't the point that you sit in the car and watch them?


Honestly, it was like a couple of miles away, it would of been just a short drive. It was just a little annoying.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I would bring only 3 chairs, one for each of your kids. Then tell your wife to sit on the grass.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Isn't the whole point of the drive in to sit in the car and watch the movie?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I mean it gets rough at times, we don't agree on alot but we're working on that. I'm trying to be supportive with everything she does. But when I feel like it's a bad idea and I'll tell her, she'll get real defensive about it. Like I don't support her, but im just giving her my opinions. And then she gets sad like I'm not supporting her.


Well all marriages get rough at times. The key is to address and resolve the issues..no matter how small…as they come up. Otherwise, one person will suppress it and a whole bunch of little suppressed things becomes a big fight and problem. This is exactly what my wife did.

This Is probably why she got upset so quickly about the chairs. There’s other stuff bothering her and the chairs just set her off.

Three kids is a blessing, but also a lot of work and stressful. Get a babysitter if you can and take your wife to dinner and “catch up”. Ask her how things are going, if there’s anything bothering her, etc and then listen. Be prepared to hear negative things about you. May or may not be true. But you’re getting her perspective so you can be a better husband in her eyes. And use the time to tell her things that you need or that are bothering you if you need to. Just do it calmly.

I could be wrong and she really was just pissed about the chairs. But I’ve dealt with a wife that bottled things up. And she was also immature (hung up on me, slammed doors, etc). Eventually all the small things we could have addressed at the time came out at once and it was too late to save the marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SCDad01 said:


> Well all marriages get rough at times. The key is to address and resolve the issues..no matter how small…as they come up. Otherwise, one person will suppress it and a whole bunch of little suppressed things becomes a big fight and problem. This is exactly what my wife did.
> 
> This Is probably why she got upset so quickly about the chairs. There’s other stuff bothering her and the chairs just set her off.
> 
> ...


That's a good point.....us women can be like that when we're upset about broader issues. It's seldom just about the dishes or the chairs.

This is great advice.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Isn't the whole point of the drive in to sit in the car and watch the movie?


That's what confused me, too.

The OP states she took the kids to the drive-in movie and I was thinking, "how cool, they're so rare today!" So I was confused too when I read she wanted chairs. I'm now assuming it was an outdoor movie theater, not a 'drive-in' movie theater.

This almost sounds like a **** test. If you're going to an outdoor movie, you already *know *you need to bring something to sit on (even if it's just a blanket).


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This almost sounds like a **** test. If you're going to an outdoor movie, you already *know *you need to bring something to sit on (even if it's just a blanket).


I think you nailed it. Funny how some women play those games. I was tested constantly and didn’t always realize it at tbe time. Definite sign of insecurity and immaturity on OP wife’s part.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's a good point.....us women can be like that when we're upset about broader issues. It's seldom just about the dishes or the chairs.
> 
> This is great advice.


I’m wondering how often she’s stuck with the kids and no help. That’s quite a few young kids. My husband never would have made me go to the movies alone with the kids. She probably wanted chairs cause they were bouncing off the walls of the car.


But maybe there is no underlying issue.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If it's just a mile or two away I would have taken them. It only would have been 10 minutes out of the evening. 
I am surprised she didn't leave the baby with you to get to bed.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's what confused me, too.
> 
> The OP states she took the kids to the drive-in movie and I was thinking, "how cool, they're so rare today!" So I was confused too when I read she wanted chairs. I'm now assuming it was an outdoor movie theater, not a 'drive-in' movie theater.
> 
> This almost sounds like a **** test. If you're going to an outdoor movie, you already *know *you need to bring something to sit on (even if it's just a blanket).


Ok, so it was a drive-in movie, but it's been so hot here and the price of gas is still pretty high. So to save on gas, people brought chairs so they didn't have to sit in the car the whole time running the ac. Even with windows down, you don't want to be in a car during an Iowa hot and humid summer night. It's hell! Lol


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This almost sounds like a **** test.


I agree. Sounds to me like she wanted you to come along with them but rather than address that, she tried to manipulate you. I think you did the right thing, but you should not have made the calls to her.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’m wondering how often she’s stuck with the kids and no help. That’s quite a few young kids. My husband never would have made me go to the movies alone with the kids. She probably wanted chairs cause they were bouncing off the walls of the car.
> 
> 
> But maybe there is no underlying issue.


Ok, im gonna sound like a complete ass, but I'll say it anyways. If that's the case she could of just told me. If this was the case, I get it, but she went in knowing this could be an issue. However, she struggles and loses her cool and calls for my help whenever she needs it when it comes to the kids and she knows I'll be there. Which takes me to me sounding like an ass. She constantly needs my help, she can't handle the kids like I can. Sometimes when she needs help, she doesn't even ask me, she just gets upset and yells at me and says: "Are you going to help me!!??". I responded and said: "You never asked, so I figured you had it under control.". She thinks a good husband should always know when to step in and help even if the wife is not asking. Like I have to be on my toes, ready at any given moment when she needs or when I think she might need help. So I told her: "look we are both equal, but every time you need my help, you have to ask or I'm not gonna know. I can handle the kids fine and stay calm in most situations you supposedly need help for and if we are equals, then I expect you to be able to do the same.". And then she gets mad.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> First of all I'm new here, hello everyone and i hope youre having a wonderful evening. I just need some opinions from different people. So, my wife took all three kids to a drive-in movie tonight. Kids are 4 months, 7 and 11. I said I had a rough week at work and I dont want to go. So all I wanted to do was stay home and smoke meat and so that's what I did. Then an hour or so goes by, she calls and says: "hey, can you bring over some chairs for us?". I hesitated, and she said: "is that going to be a problem?" And then i said: "well I told you I didn't want to go, but if I'm already running you out chairs, I might as well stay!". And then she said: Nevermind, just forget it!". And now she wont answer the phone. How am I suppose to feel when I drop off the chairs and see my kids that would probably beg me to stay? Like, do I say: "sorry kids I don't want to stay with you, but here's your chairs. Enjoy the movie!"? Am I out of line? Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong, I'm not made out of glass.
> 
> Thank you everyone!


Well now ya did it dude. Just opened the flood gates. Simple question, but no simple answer. Gets nuclear quick here. Yep I'd be annoyed to and as husbands do take the chairs down. Then I'd stay just to make the point and genuinely fake super happy and ok to avoid conflict and hope I'll get laid later! Normal day to day stuff. Don't nuke it and don't be nuked. Live, laugh and love bruh.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Well now ya did it dude. Just opened the flood gates. Simple question, but no simple answer. Gets nuclear quick here. Yep I'd be annoyed to and as husbands do take the chairs down. Then I'd stay just to make the point and genuinely fake super happy and ok to avoid conflict and hope I'll get laid later! Normal day to day stuff. Don't nuke it and don't be nuked. Live, laugh and love bruh.


That sounds sad  and I don’t mean it an an attack! Lol but dang.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's what confused me, too.
> 
> The OP states she took the kids to the drive-in movie and I was thinking, "how cool, they're so rare today!" So I was confused too when I read she wanted chairs. I'm now assuming it was an outdoor movie theater, not a 'drive-in' movie theater.
> 
> This almost sounds like a **** test. If you're going to an outdoor movie, you already *know *you need to bring something to sit on (even if it's just a blanket).


Maybe she confused both aswell? Maybe she thought just realised it is an outdoor movie and that everyone was supposed to bring chairs. 
She arrived alome with three children and saw everyone else sitting on chairs and felt 'stupid', 'ashamed' and helpless and called you. And she felt overchallenged and 'left alone'.

I mean, she has a 4 month old with her! Poor her. Not an age you bring yoir child to see a movie. 
Could it be that she tried to get some releave from stress at home and daily life? Maybe she tried to do something nice for her and the family, because she isn't happy.

And then she got overchallenged and also with your response to her asking for help in that situation.
Maybe she was crying afterwards and didn't want you to know.
It is just, I would be like that.


I think you might be missing serious red flaggs, but on your side.
I don't think it was her manipulating you into joining her. I rhink she was just overchallenged. Tried to organise something nice for the children and her and then 'failed', by not bringing chairs.

Again. She has a 4 month old baby. This is a stressfull time for a woman. 
Why was she so desperate to get out with such a smald child?
Sounds to me that she is struggeling with something, but I could be wrong.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Oh and something else. You said you juat wanted to chill. Making clear to her that family time is streas to you. Don't forget your wife just gifted you a child and you 'jist want to chill'. When does your wife gets time to chill?
I think she just wanted to organise some chill time for the family, if she couldn't get it on her own. But you just showed her that you're enjoying this luxuary, while she has to entertain the kids.

If you find being with the kids and famility timw not relaxing enought o recover from stress, why would you think your wife does?

I can understand tha it was disappointing to her you didn't join them. But not because she wanted you tp be there, just because she wanted you share the burden fresh parents have. 
But you prefered to have some luxuary bachelor time at home. 
Fair?

Think about it!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If it's just a mile or two away I would have taken them. It only would have been 10 minutes out of the evening.
> I am surprised she didn't leave the baby with you to get to bed.


Doesn’t sound like she has that option.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I always think of the chairs ahead of time. In fact my wife’s car has chairs in the back right now.

However she has called me to do some really obnoxious things. I always do them anyway although sometimes I am not happy about it.

I think you’re in the clear to not bring them but I would have brought them anyway.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

elliblue said:


> Oh and something else. You said you juat wanted to chill. Making clear to her that family time is streas to you. Don't forget your wife just gifted you a child and you 'jist want to chill'. When does your wife gets time to chill?
> I think she just wanted to organise some chill time for the family, if she couldn't get it on her own. But you just showed her that you're enjoying this luxuary, while she has to entertain the kids.
> 
> If you find being with the kids and famility timw not relaxing enought o recover from stress, why would you think your wife does?
> ...


No, I think this is crap. 

He had a long week at work he can say he's not up to a drive in movie.

Be she decided to go ahead and do it anyway. That's on her. Don't try to make OP to be the one at fault here.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Isn't the whole point of the drive in to sit in the car and watch the movie?


We have community ones, my preference is park the truck backwards, open the little window thingy in the back and then sit in the bed sometimes with camping chairs. Nice if you go multi-car with friends although the “movie police” are sometimes not happy about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> How far away is the drive in movie?
> I know I am British and we don't do drive in movies, but isn't the point that you sit in the car and watch them?


You can bring chairs or blanket and sit around and watch the movie. We would tailgate watching with the kids


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Oh and something else. You said you juat wanted to chill. Making clear to her that family time is streas to you. Don't forget your wife just gifted you a child and you 'jist want to chill'. When does your wife gets time to chill?
> I think she just wanted to organise some chill time for the family, if she couldn't get it on her own. But you just showed her that you're enjoying this luxuary, while she has to entertain the kids.
> 
> If you find being with the kids and famility timw not relaxing enought o recover from stress, why would you think your wife does?
> ...


.
I worked 68 hours last week. I wouldn't have gone to the movies last night either. Tonight would be a different matter


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> Sometimes when she needs help, she doesn't even ask me, she just gets upset and yells at me and says: "Are you going to help me!!??". I responded and said: "You never asked, so I figured you had it under control.". She thinks a good husband should always know when to step in and help even if the wife is not asking. Like I have to be on my toes, ready at any given moment when she needs or when I think she might need help.


I mean, it depends on the situation. If your wife is doing something (like cooking dinner, laundry, etc) and you hear the kids screaming or getting into things, then you shouldn't wait until you're asked to help. Or if everyone is losing their **** or you can hear that your wife is struggling, frustrated, etc., you should just step in and help without being asked.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> I mean, it depends on the situation. If your wife is doing something (like cooking dinner, laundry, etc) and you hear the kids screaming or getting into things, then you shouldn't wait until you're asked to help. Or if everyone is losing their **** or you can hear that your wife is struggling, frustrated, etc., you should just step in and help without being asked.


I generally agree although I have probably been snapped at a couple times, “I have this!” To be fair I have done that way more than her.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> I generally agree although I have probably been snapped at a couple times, “I have this!” To be fair I have done that way more than her.


Yeah that can happen. I'd rather be snapped at than deal with the *****iness from not helping/offering though.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> Yeah that can happen. I'd rather be snapped at than deal with the *****iness from not helping/offering though.


It doesn’t stop me either but I try to be conscious of it, especially if it veers in a mansplaining direction.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Again. She has a 4 month old baby. This is a stressfull time for a woman.
> Why was she so desperate to get out with such a smald child?
> Sounds to me that she is struggeling with something, but I could be wrong.


I have gone to drive-ins many, many times with infants. They either fall asleep on my wife's chest or we put a crib mattress in the back and they fall asleep there. Sometimes it's the only way you can get out when you have small kids, exclusively breastfed babies, separation anxiety, etc.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Regardless of how annoying your wife can be, she is still there with 3 kids - 4 months, 7 and 11. I would have taken the chairs, for the benefit of your kids. And you wife too, to help her with the kids.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

*Is it annoying? Or am i being a jerk?*

It is possible for both to be true at the same time.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> She just doesn't really discuss anything, she's tough and won't apologize and I'm wrong and she's right.


Sounds to me like she's either

frustrated because she consistently can't control the kids as well as you do, and she's their mom, she's supposed to be able to do that in her mind

or

she's checking to see how high you'll go when she says 'jump' and then using emotional manipulation if you achieve less than her required height. 

or both

She'd probably still be pissed even if you brought the chairs and stayed, because of the original sin of opting out, am I right?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She didn’t know she would need chairs before leaving? lol I’m a woman and while there aren’t “sides” per se, she should have just done without seeing that you had a rough week and you didn’t want to go. Sounds a little passive aggressive to me - like she didn’t really like you staying back so she called and then had an attitude when you didn’t just drop everything to deliver the chairs.

I wouldn’t apologize, she should for her attitude. And I would tell a woman in your shoes, the same thing.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No, I think this is crap.
> 
> He had a long week at work he can say he's not up to a drive in movie.
> 
> Be she decided to go ahead and do it anyway. That's on her. Don't try to make OP to be the one at fault here.


This.

She didn’t have to go.

Marriage is a partnership but husbands and wives should give each other grace when they’re tired and just want some alone time to unwind. That’s all the OP wanted. I think his wife should have stayed home if going without him would be too much.

That said, sometimes these “little fights” are really stemming from some other place of deeper resentment. Not sure if that’s the case, but it could be.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My husband used to do this when our son was small. “I’ll take him to X so you can rest.” So then I would have to pack everything for them to go. “I don’t know where that stuff is.” Once I got them in the car, the texts would start, demand after demand so that I was basically just on my phone texting the whole time. Then “come here and bring me x,” so they had to get in the car and come to where they were, then it was “go home and relax” while the constant texts and demands continued. A list of things for me to do while they were gone, “I don’t have time to do that because I’m doing this for you.” Then he gets back and I have to unpack and deal with a grumpy child and then it was, “how was your time off?” 🙄

I stopped accepting offers for “help” or “time to myself” because I recognized them for what they were. Your wife didn’t want to take all 3 kids by herself. She wanted you to go and help. Instead of opting out of the trip or just telling you, she went the passive aggressive route. I think she’s being immature and bratty, but I could be projecting based on my own experiences being in your shoes. 😉


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> First of all I'm new here, hello everyone and i hope youre having a wonderful evening. I just need some opinions from different people. So, my wife took all three kids to a drive-in movie tonight. Kids are 4 months, 7 and 11. I said I had a rough week at work and I dont want to go. So all I wanted to do was stay home and smoke meat and so that's what I did. Then an hour or so goes by, she calls and says: "hey, can you bring over some chairs for us?". I hesitated, and she said: "is that going to be a problem?" And then i said: "well I told you I didn't want to go, but if I'm already running you out chairs, I might as well stay!". And then she said: Nevermind, just forget it!". And now she wont answer the phone. How am I suppose to feel when I drop off the chairs and see my kids that would probably beg me to stay? Like, do I say: "sorry kids I don't want to stay with you, but here's your chairs. Enjoy the movie!"? Am I out of line? Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong, I'm not made out of glass.
> 
> Thank you everyone!


Don't give your personal power away so easily. You said "no" - you didn't want to go to the movie. Then, it's "no" - you don't want to drive over with chairs. Leave it at that. Don't keep calling to ask, "We cool? We cool?" Why can't she plan better?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I have gone to drive-ins many, many times with infants. They either fall asleep on my wife's chest or we put a crib mattress in the back and they fall asleep there. Sometimes it's the only way you can get out when you have small kids, exclusively breastfed babies, separation anxiety, etc.


Good for you. You're a guy and I doubt you ever gave birth to a child and went to a drive in while your baby is only 4 month old.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Good for you. You're a guy and I doubt you ever gave birth to a child and went to a drive in while your baby is only 4 month old.


And that matters how when my wife, who has given birth 6 times, is more than happy to go with a baby and has many times? She'd probably go right now with a 2 week old, 11 month old, 20 month old, and the "big kids".


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I have gone to drive-ins many, many times with infants. They either fall asleep on my wife's chest or we put a crib mattress in the back and they fall asleep there. Sometimes it's the only way you can get out when you have small kids, exclusively breastfed babies, separation anxiety, etc.


And you're also highliting the problem. This is 'the only way you can get out when you have children'.
Obviously she wanted to get out. Release some stress. but she had to take the children with her, while he did whatever he wanted. 

At least he could bring her the chairs without complaining and the next weekend or so he should grab the children and give her an oportunity to do whatever she wants. 

It is something else if the children were all older. But with such a little one and obviously no other support he should have been man enough and bring the chairs and be quite.

And OP you shouldn't have said that if you bring the chairs you can also stay. 
Next time just bring the chairs and then go, if it is so important to you. But be quite about it. She knew you didn't want to join.

Your response was that of a grumpy teenager.
Why would she want you there, if you obviously didn't want to be there? 
You would have only ruined that day for her same as you did with your response.
It is just, you repeatetly reminded her you didn't want to be there. It is like 'Me, me, me' what you did.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

elliblue said:


> And you're also highliting the problem. This is 'the only way you can get out when you have children'.
> Obviously she wanted to get out. Release some stress. but she had to take the children with her, while he did whatever he wanted.


How do you know what she "obviously" wanted? She could have wanted to get out with the kids or as a family. A mother going out with kids doesn't mean she desperately wanted to get out and the poor thing had to drag the kids with her. Some parents actually want to spend time with their kids, and some mothers will be more relaxed with their babies with them.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You sound kind of jerky. Could have dropped the chairs and left. Your comment about your superior parenting skills tipped the jerk factor.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> And you're also highliting the problem. This is 'the only way you can get out when you have children'.
> Obviously she wanted to get out. Release some stress. but she had to take the children with her, while he did whatever he wanted.
> 
> At least he could bring her the chairs without complaining and the next weekend or so he should grab the children and give her an oportunity to do whatever she wants.
> ...


I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

We get it you’re better than her. What do you want ? For randos to pile on her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

elliblue said:


> And you're also highliting the problem. This is 'the only way you can get out when you have children'.
> Obviously she wanted to get out. Release some stress. but she had to take the children with her, while he did whatever he wanted.
> 
> At least he could bring her the chairs without complaining and the next weekend or so he should grab the children and give her an oportunity to do whatever she wants.
> ...


I disagree. He would have brought the chairs and stayed abd has a good time, since getting back out was what he wasn’t wanting, not watching the movie with the fam. It should be ok to be tired once in a while.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Who goes shooting with a newborn? That’s ridiculous.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


You’re in the right. But to a woman, there often is no right snd wrong, it’s how something makes her feel. And the whole world has to react correctly to that.
This bud’s for you River abd Texasmom. 😂


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, what would your wife say if she was here?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

bobert said:


> How do you know what she "obviously" wanted? She could have wanted to get out with the kids or as a family. A mother going out with kids doesn't mean she desperately wanted to get out and the poor thing had to drag the kids with her. Some parents actually want to spend time with their kids, and some mothers will be more relaxed with their babies with them.


Yeah, that is what you're thinking, because you're a man. You didn't carry a child for 9 month and then pressed it out your body under severe pain. And you don't have to take care of them while your body tries to recover and heal from all that demage...



Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


Yeah... again... you're a guy. You evem think about shooting and ammo and fishing... I feel like vomiting...



Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. He would have brought the chairs and stayed abd has a good time, since getting back out was what he wasn’t wanting, not watching the movie with the fam. It should be ok to be tired once in a while.


Yeah... because he is the guy... he didn't carry the children in his tommy, causing all the demage and stress to his body. 
It is so simple. 
Women are just so lazy and cause all that drama.
They ahould give men their space. Seriously. Pregnancy is so stressful to them. Poor, poor men. 
All the stress they have to burden reproducing and (watching women) raising their children.
The most important thing is men getting their me time. Their is nothing more inportant.
Spraying your seemen into a woman, getting her pregnant is such a core. So exhausting...
Being a man means 40h work per week.
Why are women always so needy taking care of children 24/7???

I mean for women it is the fullfilling of their destiny. There isn't anything more they would desire.
And there is a guy who wants to smoke some meat.
Oh lord, what would humanity be without men smoking meat???
How did we survive without men smoking meat?
Jesus!
We would be all vegetarian beings. No smoked meat?
Human evolution wouldn't even have taking place without those brave worriors. 
Let's all create a Go Fund me page for this poor, poor guy, who was disrupted smoking this glory meat, humanity feasts on during its struggle to survive in this ungreatful world!

Survival is about smoking meat not about taking care of our children. That's it!!! 
We solved now all the problems of humanity!
Energy and environment polution crisis!
All men need to smoke meat!

What a relieve to men! Human evolution depends on men hsving some space. We all know now.
Women don't need space or time to relax. They feast and strive on taking care of children.
That's all they want!

Thanks for reminding me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

elliblue said:


> Yeah, that is what you're thinking, because you're a man. You didn't carry a child for 9 month and then pressed it out your body under severe pain. And you don't have to take care of them while your body tries to recover and heal from all that demage...
> 
> 
> Yeah... again... you're a guy. You evem think about shooting and ammo and fishing... I feel like vomiting...
> ...


What the actual...

I'm a mother. I have 2 children.

Just because someone is a mother has nothing to do with the fact that this OP was tired after a long tiring workweek and didn't want to go to a drive in movie. His wife wanted to, and left to go to it with the kids. 

THAT WAS HER CHOICE. 

Saying it again, THAT WAS HER CHOICE. 

It was a piss poor move of her to call her husband and ask him to drive over with chairs. Please. 

Just because he's got a **** and not a vagina doesn't mean he's not entitled to be tired at the end of a hard week and do something at home.

What a man hating post this is you wrote. Yuck.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> Sometimes when she needs help, she doesn't even ask me, she just gets upset and yells at me and says: "Are you going to help me!!??". I responded and said: "You never asked, so I figured you had it under control."


I think you have two things going on here, as others have pointed out... a wife that may well be overrun and tired of long days being the main caregiver to 3 children, and a husband that may use 'incompetence' as a way to opt out of doing, or even think about, the heavy lifting with the kids. 

It's not right of her to hope you will guess what she needs, if that is indeed what's happening. But, as a woman that has been expected to be the 'manager of the home' since my mom died when I was 15 just because I was the only girl in the family, and then once I became a wife, I know well that some men have a hard time wanting to understand the concept of 'mental load'. It can weigh on you, until you blow up over something silly like, chairs. 

Most women have brains that just plain can't be turned off. You are happily laying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep, and she is laying in bed remembering that at dinner time she heard the mustard bottle sputter, I better make sure I add mustard to the grocery list...I wasn't going to go grocery shopping for another four days...oh no, it's his preferred type of mustard and he wants to take sandwiches to work all this week...I don't want to get into a fight about mustard, I will have to rearrange what I was going to do tomorrow and go the the grocery store tomorrow...now I have to think about how I will rearrange my plans that I had for tomorrow. 

She thinks about all that because she knows there is NO WAY in the world that you actually took the time to notice the mustard bottle sputtering and think five steps in advance that you will be wanting that for work next week, so you should just take it upon yourself, *without her telling you*, that you should go get mustard yourself.

Yes, it's silly. And yes, there comes a point in many marriages, where the wife thinks...you know what...if you can't be bothered to think about mustard, then you will just live without it, I am sick of that being something I worry about. And then one day, you walk into the kitchen and say, "Hey babe...how come there's not mustard?" And she loses her ever loving mind. And you begin to wonder if you married a crazy person.

Its not that its about one item...it's just so incredibly exhausting to try to remember every bit of minutia of everyone's needs, desires, likes and dislikes...and for some insane reason, women take it upon themselves to do so, even when many men actually have never asked them to do that. They would be fine without the mustard, the mustard was never really a big deal, they would rather have a happy wife than their favorite mustard. If the wife would just speak up, clearly and concisely and say what the problem is, he would likely be happy to go it. However, she is tired of being the secretary and having to state everything that needs to be attended to. 

BUT most women won't speak up until it's too late, and most men won't fish out the problem, until it's too late. So, my dear friend...I think you need to do a lot more fishing, it's not about the chairs.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Yeah, that is what you're thinking, because you're a man. You didn't carry a child for 9 month and then pressed it out your body under severe pain. And you don't have to take care of them while your body tries to recover and heal from all that demage...


The baby is 4 months old, not 4 days. In most cases the body is healed by then. How long should women be milking it? And I'm aware that harder recoveries exist and it can take months or years to heal - BTDT.

My wife pushed one out 16 days ago. By far her most painful delivery. No time for an epidural and had shoulder dystocia. Still has internal and external stitches. Still bleeding. Has a baby glued to her chest 24/7. Nursing constantly and up half the night with a gassy baby. And has another baby, a toddler, and three more kids to look after during the day. 

She is out with the kids all the time, even now.

Why? _Because she wants to_. She loves her time with the kids and truly enjoys them. She took it easy for a week then wanted to get back to normal, despite me trying to get her to relax and take it easy.

But nah, she's only out with the kids because she desperately needed out of the house and I wouldn't take care of my own kids. That must be it 🙄


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## JJARA (5 mo ago)

How far away is the woukd u have to drive to bring her the chairs? and how far into the movie are they? I think those questions matter. 
If the drive is literally 10 or 15 minutes away and the movie is in the first 20 minutes it might be reasonable if the drive-in is 30 minutes away and the movie is halfway over it’s unreasonable, . Also if it’s a double feature and they are staying for both then you should probably go if it’s within 15 mins driving distance and they are in the first movie. Otherwise it’s unreasonable


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

elliblue said:


> Good for you. You're a guy and I doubt you ever gave birth to a child and went to a drive in while your baby is only 4 month old.


It was her choice to go. Not OPs fault she did that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

JJARA said:


> How far away is the woukd u have to drive to bring her the chairs? and how far into the movie are they? I think those questions matter.
> If the drive is literally 10 or 15 minutes away and the movie is in the first 20 minutes it might be reasonable if the drive-in is 30 minutes away and the movie is halfway over it’s unreasonable, . Also if it’s a double feature and they are staying for both then you should probably go if it’s within 15 mins driving distance and they are in the first movie. Otherwise it’s unreasonable


I'm thinking, hasn't she ever set her ass on a car hood or trunk?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


These emotional creatures don't get it, better off talking to a tree.


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## JJARA (5 mo ago)

bobert said:


> The baby is 4 months old, not 4 days. In most cases the body is healed by then. How long should women be milking it? And I'm aware that harder recoveries exist and it can take months or years to heal - BTDT.
> 
> My wife pushed one out 16 days ago. By far her most painful delivery. No time for an epidural and had shoulder dystocia. Still has internal and external stitches. Still bleeding. Has a baby glued to her chest 24/7. Nursing constantly and up half the night with a gassy baby. And has another baby, a toddler, and three more kids to look after during the day.
> 
> ...


That’s great that your wife wanted to do that but if your wife didn’t want to do that And felt she needed more time to recover I’m sure you would be totally supportive of that . and I’m curious is there any point at which u would tell your wife m:hey I know that you want to do this but it’s really not the best thing for your health so you need to stay and rest and I’ll take care of the other kids. For example would you Support her takibg all the kids out if she was one week after delivery , or three days after delivery? what would be your line in the sand as far as you You saying hey you cannot go out with the kids because it’s not safe for wife and could be harmful to her health.? I don’t mean to be antagonistic I’m just curious what your Boundary would be here. Only because what she wants to do is not necessarily what’s best for her medically.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

elliblue said:


> Yeah, that is what you're thinking, because you're a man. You didn't carry a child for 9 month and then pressed it out your body under severe pain. And you don't have to take care of them while your body tries to recover and heal from all that demage...
> 
> 
> Yeah... again... you're a guy. You evem think about shooting and ammo and fishing... I feel like vomiting...
> ...


Sounds like someone is in their feels and got triggered.


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## JJARA (5 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> I'm thinking, hasn't she ever set her ass on a car hood or trunk?


That’s kind of tricky when you have two other kids and a four month old.


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## JJARA (5 mo ago)

JJARA said:


> That’s kind of tricky when you have two other kids and a four month old.


But ultimately she should’ve brought the chairs with her when she left the house


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JJARA said:


> But ultimately she should’ve brought the chairs with her when she left the house


Maybe she forgot with trying to organise three small children to go out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


It was only a mile or two away, no big deal.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JJARA said:


> How far away is the woukd u have to drive to bring her the chairs? and how far into the movie are they? I think those questions matter.
> If the drive is literally 10 or 15 minutes away and the movie is in the first 20 minutes it might be reasonable if the drive-in is 30 minutes away and the movie is halfway over it’s unreasonable, . Also if it’s a double feature and they are staying for both then you should probably go if it’s within 15 mins driving distance and they are in the first movie. Otherwise it’s unreasonable


He said it's just a mile or two so literally 5 mins away.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> It was only a mile or two away, no big deal.


The distance wasn't the issue. He said if he took the chairs to her then he would feel obligated to stay for the movie which he did not want to do.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> She constantly needs my help, *she can't handle the kids like I can*. *Sometimes when she needs help, she doesn't even ask me, she just gets upset and yells at me and says: "Are you going to help me!!??". I responded and said: "You never asked, so I figured you had it under control.". She thinks a good husband should always know when to step in and help even if the wife is not asking.* Like I have to be on my toes, ready at any given moment when she needs or when I think she might need help. So I told her: "look we are both equal, but *every time you need my help, you have to ask or I'm not gonna know*. I can handle the kids fine and stay calm in most situations you supposedly need help for and if we are equals, then I expect you to be able to do the same.". And then she gets mad.


This bit is quite telling... it just shows the warped dynamics of the relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She sounds to me like she's a personality who is easily frustrated, irritable, nott afraid to speak to you in a ****ty way, and unable to control her own life situations.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> She sounds to me like she's a personality who is easily frustrated, irritable, nott afraid to speak to you in a ****ty way, and unable to control her own life situations.


I think it also shows you that she has to ask him to help her, because, otherwise, he is not going to - he doesn't get it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I think it also shows you that she has to ask him to help her, because, otherwise, he is not going to - he doesn't get it.


Disagree.She's not a 12 year old babysitter.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Disagree.She's not a 12 year old babysitter.


Disagree. What I highlighted explains her reaction about the chairs. But he doesn't get it and he posts here for an explanation...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> The distance wasn't the issue. He said if he took the chairs to her then he would feel obligated to stay for the movie which he did not want to do.


If he felt obligated then that is on him, he didnt have to stay.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If he felt obligated then that is on him, he didnt have to stay.


To be honest, he does come across a bit as an arrogant ass... sorry OP - no offence....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> To be honest, he does come across a bit as an arrogant ass... sorry OP - no offence....


Disagree. 

He comes across, to me, as a man who has an irritable wife who is reactive and speaks to him in a *****y way. She should watch it or she's going to ruin her marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Disagree.
> 
> He comes across, to me, as a man who has an irritable wife who is reactive and speaks to him in a *****y way. She should watch it or she's going to ruin her marriage.


Maybe there is a reason why she is irritable... she is looking after 3 kids (one is 4 months old) and she has to ask him to help her, because "he doesn't know". Maybe she wanted to go to the drive-in because she's been stuck at home all day with 3 kids... and she is irritable. I would be irritable too.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> This bit is quite telling... it just shows the warped dynamics of the relationship.


Exactly...his wife expects him to read minds, she is probably also the type to jump down his throat if he tries to help. You know the ol' "Leave it alone!, if I want your help I will ask for it!"

O...K.....I'll be in my recliner with my glass of tea then.

And yelling, Oh hell no! Told my wife long ago, louder she gets, less I listen. You want something, you come to me in a civil tone, we can continue this conversation when you can control your tone!

Yelling makes me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry......hell I don't like me when I'm angry. Blows my mind when someone blows up and 30 min later, they are fine...wondering why you are pissed. Don't get mad quickly, but when I am, I'm mad for days. It is like a diesel engine with an injector stuck open, it can run away if I can't get it shut down.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe there is a reason why she is irritable... she is looking after 3 kids (one is 4 months old) and she has to ask him to help her, because "he doesn't know". Maybe she wanted to go to the drive-in because she's been stuck at home all day with 3 kids... and she is irritable. I would be irritable too.


I’m a man, I get it and I agree, he’s very selfish. I don’t stop being a dad or husband because I’m tired. 🙄


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I'm just saying, if it was her telling me she didn't want to go fishing with the kids and I because she's tired from working a tough week, I would understand. And if I somehow forgot fishing poles, calling her to bring them to me would not even be an option that would come across my mind, because I respect her decision and be considerate of how tired she is. I've taken my kids shooting close to home and realized I forgot ammo. I packed up the kids and went back to get ammo, not a problem, it was my stupid fault.


You took a 4 month old shooting?


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> You took a 4 month old shooting?


Past tense, I highly doubt he took a newborn shooting, could be wrong though.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Slow Hand said:


> Past tense, I highly doubt he took a newborn shooting, could be wrong though.


So I asked earlier and he never responded. To me the whole is he a jerk or not kind of depends on what the daily dynamic looks like.

Does she work? Does she ever get alone time? How often does he take the kids and give her a break? So if he does that rarely then she’s possibly overwhelmed and rightfully reaches out for help and maybe passive aggressively give him an hour of me time and then asks for chairs.

If he regularly takes the kids then the no chairs would simply be enforcing a boundary.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Its not that its about one item...it's just so incredibly exhausting to try to remember every bit of minutia of everyone's needs, desires, likes and dislikes...and for some insane reason, women take it upon themselves to do so, even when many men actually have never asked them to do that.


We don’t have kids but I think you’re onto something.

My wife told me she is stressed out because of such and so work things. It’s all in her head and caused by how her brain works. She IS actually stressed by it but not for any logical reason. If she completely messed up and got fired tomorrow it wouldn’t make one bit of difference in fact she might even be happier.

It comes from her desire to “please”. She had an undue burden of taking care of family when she was younger.

I can see it even in her interactions with her employees. She is way way way too nice to them. If I have an employee and I need to be in a call with them everyday, I’d tell them hey I can’t be in a call everyday. You need to figure your crap out because you’re wasting my time.

As a “pleaser“ she wants everything to be nice and everyone is happy.

I don’t care if everyone is happy, only a couple people. Everyone else… too bad.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If it’s only a mile or so, I’d have brought the chairs. She would come back and get them but she’s already in her spot and would have to pay twice, etc etc. So I can see her asking. 

I was thinking you sat in your car to watch a drive in?? Am I wrong?

Anyway, OP was going to bring the chairs and then stay and watch the movie, and she got pissy and reacted harshly. They both were somewhat in the wrong. I wish we could hear her perspective of what happened.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> To be honest, he does come across a bit as an arrogant ass... sorry OP - no offence....


Maybe I am so used to having an easy going husband who wouldn't even hesitate to pop along a few chairs a few minutes drive away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like someone is in their feels and got triggered. BAHAHA!


That sounds like someone being rude and condescending.

Don't be.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> If it’s only a mile or so, I’d have brought the chairs. She would come back and get them but she’s already in her spot and would have to pay twice, etc etc. So I can see her asking.
> 
> I was thinking you sat in your car to watch a drive in?? Am I wrong?
> 
> Anyway, OP was going to bring the chairs and then stay and watch the movie, and she got pissy and reacted harshly. They both were somewhat in the wrong. I wish we could hear her perspective of what happened.


He explained why a few posts ago... it's very hot and families don't want to sit in the car with their engine running so they can have air-conditioning... hence the chairs. Good for the environment too!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like old girl got really hot…..
And op was busy smoking his meat and is going to have very little to do with his meat later…..

danged if you do, danged if you don’t lol


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just wondering OP - do you and your wife truly appreciate each other’s roles in the relationship right now? Does she appreciate that there’s a possible recession looming and that you face stress of providing for your family? Do you appreciate that she is staying home taking care of the kids, and all the different stresses that go into that?

I see this dynamic with a good friend of mine who is constantly complaining that her husband doesn’t think raising kids is as hard as what he does. I don’t think he has said this, it’s just a feeling she gets. She resents him for leaving her job etc etc…and he just wants to chill on Friday nights after coming home from work.

So often, these scenarios are part of a bigger dynamic that is the problem…and rarely about “chairs.”🤷‍♀️


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Just wondering OP - do you and your wife truly appreciate each other’s roles in the relationship right now? Does she appreciate that there’s a possible recession looming and that you face stress of providing for your family? Do you appreciate that she is staying home taking care of the kids, and all the different stresses that go into that?
> 
> I see this dynamic with a good friend of mine who is constantly complaining that her husband doesn’t think raising kids is as hard as what he does. I don’t think he has said this, it’s just a feeling she gets. She resents him for leaving her job etc etc…and he just wants to chill on Friday nights after coming home from work.
> 
> So often, these scenarios are part of a bigger dynamic that is the problem…and rarely about “chairs.”🤷‍♀️


I agree with this. There is a lot more going on than chairs and smoked meat...


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

She could have asked the 11-year-old to help gather/carry stuff.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> We don’t have kids but I think you’re onto something.
> 
> My wife told me she is stressed out because of such and so work things. It’s all in her head and caused by how her brain works. She IS actually stressed by it but not for any logical reason. If she completely messed up and got fired tomorrow it wouldn’t make one bit of difference in fact she might even be happier.
> 
> ...



I think we have chatted a bit about this before on one of your posts. It can certainly be a cyclical problem. And until she is ready to look at her responsibility and contribution to it, it will be a self-fulling torture routine that she enacts on herself, and you will keep getting caught in the crossfire. 

She needs to learn how to set very clear boundaries and expectations, for her work life and her personal life. She needs to identify the things that are requirements of both, and then identify the things that she takes on voluntarily but treats as though they are requirements. There can be a lot of control issues with that paradox also. If she feels insecure, taking on tasks that are not really her job, could give her a higher sense of importance, control or confidence. 

The big problem comes in when someone does that to themselves, and DOESN'T recognize what they are doing. They tell themselves, 'Oh, look at what a martyr I am, look at how I sacrifice and work harder than anyone else. No one appreciates my worth here, etc.' But in all reality what she may need to see, and say to herself is, "I took on these extra things because I get my self-worth from doing them for people. I am not doing it for altruistic reasons, but I am actually doing it to self-soothe and make myself feel more secure. Is there something else I could do for myself that doesn't take away from my personal life and become a detriment?'

I feel like the OP's wife may also be in the kind of mind-set. It's a pretty common trap for many women to fall under, myself included. I did this for a great many years, getting angry at people in my life because 'I am so willing to sacrifice myself for their betterment. Oh what a wonderful care-giver I am, they don't appreciate me.' BUT, they were not usually asking for my help, I was stepping in, and in many cases, became a terrifying control monster where I wasn't ever really asked to be in the first place. It's taken a LONG time to identify that in my life, and I am SO much happier now for it.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So I asked earlier and he never responded. To me the whole is he a jerk or not kind of depends on what the daily dynamic looks like.
> 
> Does she work? Does she ever get alone time? How often does he take the kids and give her a break? So if he does that rarely then she’s possibly overwhelmed and rightfully reaches out for help and maybe passive aggressively give him an hour of me time and then asks for chairs.
> 
> If he regularly takes the kids then the no chairs would simply be enforcing a boundary.


Yeah, doesn't everybody bring infants to the range? I gun break all my kids at that age. No, I don't take my baby shooting, no she doesn't work and yes I take the kids and give her breaks. The two big kids are pretty much independent and care for themselves. But when I get home I always try to take our infant daughter as long as possible to give her a break. She is breast feeling and so I'll bring her back when she's hungry. I love hanging out with the kiddos, I do it as much as possible.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> To be honest, he does come across a bit as an arrogant ass... sorry OP - no offence....


It's ok, I get it. It was just frustrating at the time. Here I was keeping the fire going on the smoker and cooking a meal for them when they get home. When I cook, I'm in the zone and then I have to stop and turn everything back off all because of chairs. She could of came home and I could of just loaded the chairs for her. But we both talked about it and we both agreed that we'd both be better off separated. So I kicked her and the kids out of the house. Jk, we're fine, we talked and buried the hatchet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There are hills to die on and hills that you don't die on. This doesn’t strike me as a hill to die on.

We all do annoying things that we don't want to do for our partners. Her reaction of saying "never mind" and not answering the phone (I still don't know why he'd continue to call her if he was so annoyed about bringing chairs a couple of miles.....she's got 3 kids including a 4 month old yet she's supposed to engage OP on the phone) says a lot about the dynamic here, and it ain't one of team work. She sensed annoyance and hung up. Perhaps justified, perhaps not...but they aren't a team. Particularly if she has to ask before he helps with his own children.

OP may be back years down the road in shock when his wife tells him she has no connection to him and isn’t sure she wants to stay married.

OP, was this a hill worth dying on? If the answer is yes you guys should probably talk to someone.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> There are hills to die on and hills that you don't die on. This doesn’t strike me as a hill to die on.
> 
> We all do annoying things that we don't want to do for our partners. Her reaction of saying "never mind" and not answering the phone (I still don't know why he'd continue to call her if he was so annoyed about bringing chairs a couple of miles.....she's got 3 kids including a 4 month old yet she's supposed to engage OP on the phone) says a lot about the dynamic here, and it ain't one of team work. She sensed annoyance and hung up. Perhaps justified, perhaps not...but they aren't a team. Particularly if she has to ask before he helps with his own children.
> 
> ...


No, absolutely not. It was just annoying that's all. Like I said, I would of taken her the chairs, it just sucked that I would of had to stop making dinner, put out the coals and wood that were about to go into the smoke box. It just ruins the flow, now I know that might be little to some people, but when all you want to do is cook (im the main cook here) a fancy dinner for your family because all we had were processed tv dinners all week, it's frustrating to stop for chairs. And people are saying "oh she's got 3 kids with her!" Yeah but two of those kids can basically take care of themselves. It's an 11 year old he's just gonna be on his phone and the 7 year old, she's more mature than the 11 year old. She basically had 1 kid. But like I said, we talked and we worked it out, it was just a little debacle that's all. She just wants me to be more supportive and I will work on it. We both told eachother what we need and what's eating at us. And I actually took some great advice on here. So thanks everyone that posted, you all were very helpful.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I work with kids and have never met a 7 year old more mature than an 11 year old. You don’t see it but your comments are very condescending toward your wife. I have 3 kids about the same age range. My husband would drop chairs off 3 minutes away. You are projecting your thoughts into your wife.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Just wondering OP - do you and your wife truly appreciate each other’s roles in the relationship right now? Does she appreciate that there’s a possible recession looming and that you face stress of providing for your family? Do you appreciate that she is staying home taking care of the kids, and all the different stresses that go into that?
> 
> I see this dynamic with a good friend of mine who is constantly complaining that her husband doesn’t think raising kids is as hard as what he does. I don’t think he has said this, it’s just a feeling she gets. She resents him for leaving her job etc etc…and he just wants to chill on Friday nights after coming home from work.
> 
> So often, these scenarios are part of a bigger dynamic that is the problem…and rarely about “chairs.”🤷‍♀️


You know, I really, really, really try. I make sure to tell her that she is doing great with raising the kids. I come home and tell her that the house looks amazing and that she is amazing and that she's beautiful. Then I take our baby and ill hold her while I make dinner and I absolutely love doing it. My biggest thing is passing on making great food to my children and having passion everytime you do so because you eat everyday, so make it awesome everyday. I love watching my family light up when they take that first bite, it's an amazing feeling. But getting off topic, but very rarely she will tell me that she appreciates what I do. I don't expect it, but it's nice to hear once in a while.


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I work with kids and have never met a 7 year old more mature than an 11 year old. You don’t see it but your comments are very condescending toward your wife. I have 3 kids about the same age range. My husband would drop chairs off 3 minutes away. You are projecting your thoughts into your wife.


Maybe your husband is a simp and would just be sitting there having nothing better to do, i dont know your situation or his. You don't know a thing about my 11 year old, just because you work with kids doesn't mean they're all the same. Our 11 year old is a kid that I doubt you've ever worked with. All these PhD's, teachers, therapist, coaches or whatever has had an opportunity to work with him and has failed him. They flaunt their experience but can't figure it out. I know him and my wife knows him, his sister knows him, You dont know him, and you sound ignorant, because you have no idea what kind of situation my 11 year old is in. I guarantee that if you worked with him, he'd break your spirit faster than your husband could get you those chairs. So when I say my 7 year old (almost 8) is a more mature, that's because she is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> Then I take our baby and ill hold her while I make dinner and I absolutely love doing it.


How can you cook whilst holding a baby? Isn't that dangerous?


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## Omgidkwtfimdoing (5 mo ago)

I don't know. It's not that hard for me. I haven't had any accidents, I put her down if I think it's sketchy. Like with hot oil, lol i don't literally have her the whole time while I cook.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No my husband isn’t a simp he’s thoughtful. And I work with EBD ASKids but nice try thinking I’m a wimp


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Autism spectrum


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> I don't know. It's not that hard for me. I haven't had any accidents, I put her down if I think it's sketchy. Like with hot oil, lol i don't literally have her the whole time while I cook.


ok, that's better...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> No, absolutely not. It was just annoying that's all. Like I said, I would of taken her the chairs, it just sucked that I would of had to stop making dinner, put out the coals and wood that were about to go into the smoke box. It just ruins the flow, now I know that might be little to some people, but when all you want to do is cook (im the main cook here) a fancy dinner for your family because all we had were processed tv dinners all week, it's frustrating to stop for chairs. And people are saying "oh she's got 3 kids with her!" Yeah but two of those kids can basically take care of themselves. It's an 11 year old he's just gonna be on his phone and the 7 year old, she's more mature than the 11 year old. She basically had 1 kid. But like I said, we talked and we worked it out, it was just a little debacle that's all. She just wants me to be more supportive and I will work on it. We both told eachother what we need and what's eating at us. And I actually took some great advice on here. So thanks everyone that posted, you all were very helpful.


It's good that you talked.

Keep on talking...no good ever came from bottling things up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> You know, I really, really, really try. I make sure to tell her that she is doing great with raising the kids. I come home and tell her that the house looks amazing and that she is amazing and that she's beautiful. Then I take our baby and ill hold her while I make dinner and I absolutely love doing it. My biggest thing is passing on making great food to my children and having passion everytime you do so because you eat everyday, so make it awesome everyday. I love watching my family light up when they take that first bite, it's an amazing feeling. But getting off topic, but very rarely she will tell me that she appreciates what I do. I don't expect it, but it's nice to hear once in a while.


Hmm, I’m not sure why she doesn’t convey her appreciation to you except to say in her mind, she sees herself as sacrificing more than you. Marriage isn’t a contest. She has a “right” to feel as she does but marriage isn’t a contest. I don’t think though that it’s all that uncommon for SAH parents to feel unappreciated, unseen, and resentful because our society tells us women that we need to be “doing it all,” and we don’t get the same applause as men do. You come home from work and cook, and it’s like wow! But when a SAHM cooks and cleans etc it’s looked at as “well, that’s her job.”

My husband and I don’t have kids yet but I’ve heard this from friends who gave up their careers to stay home raising the kids. There’s a double standard still in our society on many levels, like if you were a SAHD, people would judge that differently than your wife having that role. I’m just throwing ideas out there but her attitude towards you may honestly have nothing to do with you as her husband, but she just battles all the different voices of society telling her she’s not enough.

Food for thought, I guess.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Hmm, I’m not sure why she doesn’t convey her appreciation to you except to say in her mind, she sees herself as sacrificing more than you.


I think she is just exhausted and frustrated, whatever the reason... which we will never know.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Hmm, I’m not sure why she doesn’t convey her appreciation to you except to say in her mind, she sees herself as sacrificing more than you. Marriage isn’t a contest. She has a “right” to feel as she does but marriage isn’t a contest. I don’t think though that it’s all that uncommon for SAH parents to feel unappreciated, unseen, and resentful because our society tells us women that we need to be “doing it all,” and we don’t get the same applause as men do. You come home from work and cook, and it’s like wow! But when a SAHM cooks and cleans etc it’s looked at as “well, that’s her job.”
> 
> My husband and I don’t have kids yet but I’ve heard this from friends who gave up their careers to stay home raising the kids. There’s a double standard still in our society on many levels, like if you were a SAHD, people would judge that differently than your wife having that role. I’m just throwing ideas out there but her attitude towards you may honestly have nothing to do with you as her husband, but she just battles all the different voices of society telling her she’s not enough.
> 
> Food for thought, I guess.


I'd like to add to this.

I've done both....stay at home parenting and working outside the home. I found the sahm thing far more draining.

The worst part is the isolation. Sure i work hard at work but I have work friends and socializing, and when I log off I log off. Kids never stop....when my kids were little I was exhausted all the time because I didn't have a regular sleep schedule.

If you're not careful you can develop an employee/boss type relationship which is terrible for a marriage. Their father thought I had to report tp him and thought he got to decide if I was doing a good enough job.

I put the kids in daycare and went back to work. Even working full time and caring for kids i was much happier. They had fun at daycare and we were all excited to see each other after work.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd like to add to this.
> 
> I've done both....stay at home parenting and working outside the home. I found the sahm thing far more draining.
> 
> ...


I've been a SAHD... the most draining experience of my life, ever. Basically, you don't have one single second for yourself. You are under pressure ALL THE TIME and you can't have a break because you are looking after KIDS! They require your full attention, non stop. I ended up going back to work and spending my earnings in daycare. That said, it does create a special bond with your children. Definitely worth it, but not an experience I would repeat any time soon...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> How can you cook whilst holding a baby? Isn't that dangerous?


No. I used to breastfeed my youngest, holding in one arm, feeding, while I cooked meals with the other hand for my 3 year old. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Omgidkwtfimdoing said:



Ok, so it was a drive-in movie, but it's been so hot here and the price of gas is still pretty high. So to save on gas, people brought chairs so they didn't have to sit in the car the whole time running the ac. Even with windows down, you don't want to be in a car during an Iowa hot and humid summer night. It's hell! Lol

Click to expand...

*Jesus, people do that? I mean, when gas* isn't *$5 or $6 a gallon and is relatively low, they'll go to a drive-in movie and then let their cars idle for an hour and a half or 2 hours just to stay cool???

Jeez, I'm not a tree-hugger or that nasty, angry little Thunburg girl, but that is just so incredibly wasteful.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

Omgidkwtfimdoing said:


> Maybe your husband is a simp and would just be sitting there having nothing better to do, i dont know your situation or his. You don't know a thing about my 11 year old, just because you work with kids doesn't mean they're all the same. Our 11 year old is a kid that I doubt you've ever worked with. All these PhD's, teachers, therapist, coaches or whatever has had an opportunity to work with him and has failed him. They flaunt their experience but can't figure it out. I know him and my wife knows him, his sister knows him, You dont know him, and you sound ignorant, because you have no idea what kind of situation my 11 year old is in. I guarantee that if you worked with him, he'd break your spirit faster than your husband could get you those chairs. So when I say my 7 year old (almost 8) is a more mature, that's because she is.


Not that you need my support but I was still sort-of with you until you wrote this. Saying someone's husband might be a simp and calling people ignorant is just unnecessary. I wonder what your wife would say if she knew that a relatively small episode turned into discussion board fodder. Like a poster above asked: is this a hill to die on? You didn't want to bring the chairs to your wife and you told her so - which is your right to do - and it could've just ended there. So, why didn't it?


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