# What to do next



## Rosey

Hi I've been married to my husband for twenty years next week. He left me in July after a heated argument about an old email I found talking about sending sexy pics. We got back together after a week. I had had councelling and when I look back on our marriage I had pushed my husband away for years. I used to have a drink at night but stopped and continue stopping as my husband didn't it. My dad got nasty when he drank so I'm sad to say I may have been like this sometimes, but that was the past, I don't drink and I feel like a new me. Thing is, my husband isn't close to me, he plays on iPad all evening and weekends, won't cuddle me in bed, nothing. We went on holiday three weeks ago and I thought in a relaxed place we may get close again, but no, he still had the iPad to play this game which is worldwide an you join an order, I even joined so as to try to be part of it. Am I trying too hard, does he need more time. We have never talked about important stuff, just the normal day yo day stuff, not us. We haven't any children. I am very hormonal at the moment in the change, so my feelings are everywhere, and I really think my husband doesn't think there is a problem. I have tried to dress up more put makeup on nice clothes, but no affect. I want to ask outright if he doesn't fancy me anymore but I want to be more subtle. He is like a chess player and keeps everything to himself, shows hardly any feelings. I wonder if we have gone on too long like landlady and lodger, brother and sister, that's how I feel. What should I do, any advice, please?


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## EleGirl

So you are back together now?

There are some books that I think would help you. Read them in this order....

_*"Divorce Busting", *_pay special attention to the section about the 180 (not the 180 linked to below in my signature block).

*"His Needs, Her Needs"* by Dr. Harley

The bit about the email with talk about sending sexy pictures. How old was this? Are you sure that he is not cheating?


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## Rosey

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## Rosey

We are back together and we didn't speak. He isn't having an affair he doesn't go anywhere unless it's with me otherwise most of the time he's on his iPad. He used to go fishing straight from work on a Friday and come back Sunday dinner time do our weekends we're deprecate but I thought we were the modern husband and wife don't be clingy but unfortunately I saw someone a few times and feel terrible about it then and now, that was six years ago and things went back to normal and was ok so that's why I think it must be me and he doesn't find me attractive, sexy anymore. The emails were from 2009 and 2010 but I joined a friend network cos he said I would be able to get in touch with my friends last year. I didn't have an iPad then so used his and saw his friendship network and read some messages between him and old school friend saying how nice she looked, I was so jealous, there was no flirting in the texts just niceties but since then I have been full if mistrust and checked through emails etc. I hate myself for being do distrusting but that's when I found old email message that she would send sexy pic to another email address I couldn't get into also he doesn't use it now it was for his network game. It sounds like I'm making excuses for him and I think in the past we have both made mistakes but as I mentioned he just carries on normally every day except closeness.
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## EleGirl

Please read the books. They tell you much more than I could every type out here about what you need to do. You can absolutely change your marriage for the better. So read them.

You can of course post here to get support and to discuss things you can do.


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## EleGirl

How long have the two of you been married? How old are the two of you? Are there any children?


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## Rosey

Thankyou I will read the books. We have been married 20 years next week and no children, we both didn't want children.
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## accept1

You have to realise that when a man goes off his wife for good reason and especially when she also 'pushes' him off it is hard to get him back on again. 

I dont think time will help. He has to be sure that it wont happen again. I would say you both have to go to counselling together or get him to come on here. 

Until he is convinced nothing will help.


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## Rosey

accept1 said:


> You have to realise that when a man goes off his wife for good reason and especially when she also 'pushes' him off it is hard to get him back on again.
> 
> I dont think time will help. He has to be sure that it wont happen again. I would say you both have to go to counselling together or get him to come on here.
> 
> Until he is convinced nothing will help.


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## Rosey

Thanks. We are getting on fine as people but yes we may need counselling, he is such a private person though I can't imagine him opening up to anyone. His mum says his dad and brother are just the same.
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## whitehawk

Have to agree with eccept Rosey in that when a man does go off. But you guys are complicated there's a lot of stuff in there leading up to this, a lot like me and mine were. lt's really gonna take some digging to figure out where your h is at on you guys and why if he won't talk.
He's definitely switched of on you guys right now though and just turned housemate.
Could've been the drinking days , other women, your past , could even be just your daily interaction that can often become a major turn off. Mannerisms can really eat at a guy and turn them off too.
l always think love , closeness, sex the lot it all starts from when you get up in the morning not when you turn out the lights. lt all comes from what you talk about , how you talk about them , the person you see around you everyday, night , their habits their looks , dress the whole box and dice.

If you can talk a lot more here, people will see a pattern in there eventually and be able to pin point better whats going on with h and why. At the moment well for me anyway it's a big jumble of things.
Good luck anyway .


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## Rosey

whitehawk said:


> Have to agree with eccept Rosey in that when a man does go off. But you guys are complicated there's a lot of stuff in there leading up to this, a lot like me and mine were. lt's really gonna take some digging to figure out where your h is at on you guys and why if he won't talk.
> He's definitely switched of on you guys right now though and just turned housemate.
> Could've been the drinking days , other women, your past , could even be just your daily interaction that can often become a major turn off. Mannerisms can really eat at a guy and turn them off too.
> l always think love , closeness, sex the lot it all starts from when you get up in the morning not when you turn out the lights. lt all comes from what you talk about , how you talk about them , the person you see around you everyday, night , their habits their looks , dress the whole box and dice.
> 
> If you can talk a lot more here, people will see a pattern in there eventually and be able to pin point better whats going on with h and why. At the moment well for me anyway it's a big jumble of things.
> Good luck anyway .


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## Rosey

Thanks Whitehawk, I'm trying not to babble but my councillor says my head is like a washing machine all the colours jumbled up so I can't sort it out but I she is going to teach me how to do that. I think also I over analyze so I cannot get a clear picture of me and mine. He isn't totally off me he paid a compliment on how I looked when we went to a wedding do a few weeks ago and gave me a friendly slap as I passed him other morning coming from bathroom. I really think time will bring us both round but when I asked him was we ok other day he put his iPad down and came over to me and gave me a big hug like everything is ok and asked what brought that on, I said just me being a bit emotional being in the menopause. I am at work at the moment but when I get home I will try to write my feelings down properly. Thanks for all the feedback.
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## whitehawk

Rosey said:


> Thanks Whitehawk, I'm trying not to babble but my councillor says my head is like a washing machine all the colours jumbled up so I can't sort it out but I she is going to teach me how to do that. I think also I over analyze so I cannot get a clear picture of me and mine. He isn't totally off me he paid a compliment on how I looked when we went to a wedding do a few weeks ago and gave me a friendly slap as I passed him other morning coming from bathroom. I really think time will bring us both round but when I asked him was we ok other day he put his iPad down and came over to me and gave me a big hug like everything is ok and asked what brought that on, I said just me being a bit emotional being in the menopause. I am at work at the moment but when I get home I will try to write my feelings down properly. Thanks for all the feedback.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah your right he isn't totally off , that's really great stuff in those little things he's done rosey , really good news.
Don't worry about babbling this stuffs so hard to get straight because amongst it all it's the little things that are big clues.

He still cares about you. Being gentle with you about what you were feeling is a really big thing , cheeky slaps, compliments , that's all really good stuff because if your totally of someone you can't be fkd with any of that.
Be good when the others chip in more on all that but l think it's a real good sign.


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## Rosey

It's our 20 th wedding anniversary next Wednesday but he usually goes to his mates on a Wednesday night but I mentioned should we do something. He's not much for birthdays, especially his own, and celebrations. He always gets me a card though but I was reading Tracishere page and wish I was brave enough to surprise him, but I fear rejection, we haven't been close for a while and I don't know why though it has only been 8 weeks since he came back after just a week at his mums, but naively I thought everything would be ****** dorey and it is to a certain extent except for no closeness.


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## Rosey

I don't know what is a matter with me. I thought everything would be ok when we got back together after just a week split in July but we don't talk everything is normal like it never happened. I'm suspicious and jealous ever since the messages I found last year albeit they were old ones and me losing my temper which caused the split in the first place, so I keep the peace. But I would like to ask husband if he will block a few of his fb friends, on one of his accounts he uses for gaming. I know one of these people sent him sexy pics and I can't seem to forget it though what I did was a lot worse but he never wanted to talk about it afterwards. Most days I'm ok then something pops in my head and I can't let it go. He doesn't go anywhere so I know he isn't having an affair, I went to docs because of menopause and he has booked me to speak with a councillor. I'm confused and sad that I have these jealous feelings. I suppose it's cos he never says a lot of how I look except to take the Mickey in a nice way I think then I saw him saying he liked this old schools friends pics. Since then it has opened a lot of feelings of jealousy, feeling old and fat, I'm not though, but could do with toning up, feeling insecure. Any advice would be welcome thanks.


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## Rosey

Anything can trigger my insecurity, my h took his mobile in bathroom with him last night when he had a bath and it just makes me suspicious and that's when I start overthinking again.


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