# I need help and fast



## mikee12

Ok me and my wife have ben married for about 5 years and the problems started a while ago.I seemed to catch her in small lies all the time.I would blow some out of proportion because it started to make me paranoid.We would argue off and on and say hurtful things to each other and I do mean really bad things.

Then came the next problem,she was offered a promotion at work but they wanted her to go out of town and do some things.I said ok as long as your not giving any guys a ride up there.We both made an agreement that I would have guy friends only and she would have girl friends only.Well all went well and then a couple of days before she had to go she told me she had to give a guy a ride up there.she said that she already told her boss that she would.Well some really wierd things happend when I talked to her a couple of times and I told her that I was ready to leave because if she thinks a job is worth our marriage then we don't need to be together.Well she came home and we talked and I caught her in some lies.She said that she might have done this guy if she would have got the chance,but she says that she did not and for a while after that she changed the story several times.

Well we started fighting more,not only for that but she even admits that I have kept my word more than she has kept her.This also contributes to the problems.

Fights started to get worse and I put my hands on her 3 times to this day.the first time I grabbed her by the arms and real hard and left bruises.The second time I slapped her in the head.The last time I just put my hand on her head and made her look at me.She left and and said that I am not going to touch her again.She came back that night and I realized that we need help and we need it now.

Ok I know I am in the wrong for touching her and have admitted to it.She on the other hand won't admitt up to anything she has done wrong.Then her friend got involved in it the night this stuff happened and cussed at me and now it seems like shes picked her friend over me.I told her god is the most important and then our family because we have 3 kids and then her and myself.She says I am right but her actions show other wise.

Just to be fair she also says that I am controlling to a certain extent.She says this because I never tell her she can't go some where but sometimes I gripe about it and she says it makes her feel bad and she doesn't want to go.I have went places and I can honestly say she doesn't say to much to me when I do.

I am scarred and I need answers to the problems above and fast and any help and recommendations would greatly help me out.


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## voivod

okay. google search "anger management directoty" and your city. link on the link. there will be several options for you to choose from. pick one, call them. get yourself enrolled. possibly put distance between yourself and your "victim" for now. she needs to feel safe. this will be hard but you owe that to her. your anger control training will help you to deal with any situation, and you will meet several people that are going through what you are. no ones problem is any better or worse than yours is.

you sound in your post as though you are scared. you should be. you've found out something about yourself that you probably never thought could be true. but it is.

do the work that is given to you in the anger control classes. you'l' be going for at least six weeks, and maybe as long as six months. commit to going as long as it takes.


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## draconis

Okay so you are physically abusive towards your wife? Consider yourself luck, if she were on here I'd tell her to file police reports and have you arrested. Count your lucky stars she loves you and let that slide. I hope for her sake she doesn't next time. There is no reason to hurt your wife. You need counciling, anger management, and maybe a few nights in jail with a guy named bubba.

Okay you are verbally abusive? Yep that is what it is called. You wonder why your arguments escalate, It's YOU. You are so much trying to be right that you refuse to do what is right. You need to learn to communicate better. You should never have to raise your voice, EVER.

Controling, Manipulating? I can see that in you, maybe counciling will help that. Maybe a good psychologist can find your inner demons and help you over come them.

You use God when it seems to suit you. Would Jesus Christ our Lord Savior hit a spouse? Or tell another violence is okay? Or would he call it sinful?

draconis


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## mikee12

Ok I do respect your opinions but I also talked to someone at the seven hundred club and they did recommend that I go to counciling but I told them what you guys said and they said thats why you go to a christian person and they also said its people like you are the reason why more people don't step forward.

Jesus wouldn't hurt anyone and they also told me that I am lucky she didn't call the police and I am lucky shes still here but they said its also good that I at least am making an effort because most people don't.They also said that shes in the wrong for lying and doing whatever she did but I should leave instead of fight.

I can also tell that you two are hypocrites.you might not have ever done that but from the way you sound I should pray to you instead of jesus.I'll stick to the pros from now on!


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## mikee12

Also I have ben too jail and I do believe that I do have demons in me that people like you couldn't understand.Your the type of people who see a situation but don't do nothing about it.On the other hand I'm acting at least and I for the record I did not try to stop her from leaving I told her I understand and she is in the right.

She came back and I realized that I love her alot and don't want to lose her but will losr her if I don't change.

I also doubt very seriouly that you have never raised your voice at your wife before and if you say you have not then I wouldn't believe you.


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## mikee12

One last thing I will also get her for you because I did let her read this and she does agree with you about some things but she also said that she wants to work this out.If you want to talk to her let me know!


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## voivod

maybe i'm mis-reading this. are you saying that someone in the 700 club said we are "hypocrites?" for what? for suggesting you enroll in anger mangement? for being accountable for your own actions? that is not the 700 club that i am familiar with.

why don't you call the police and turn yourself in. tell them what you have done, and lets see what how the think a law abiding society should handle your physically assaulting your wife.

once in awhile i read someones post on here and a shake my head, wondering how they got to this point in life. i am amazed at your denial. it seems pathological. i am sorry for you. if i have misiterpreted your response, i apologize.


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## voivod

mikee12 said:


> One last thing I will also get her for you because I did let her read this and she does agree with you about some things but she also said that she wants to work this out.If you want to talk to her let me know!


give her a chance to read this before you do:

Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## draconis

mikee12 said:


> Also I have ben too jail and I do believe that I do have demons in me that people like you couldn't understand.


Now there is an assumption, not knowing me from Adam.



> I also doubt very seriouly that you have never raised your voice at your wife before and if you say you have not then I wouldn't believe you.


First thing I would point out is although I have read and reread all your posts you haven't read mine. I rarely raise my voice to anyone, period. Even on the few cass I do I never threaten anyone, nor let it escalate. If I feel like raising my voice I know the point isn't going to be made and long before my wife and I set dwn rules for disagreements. We take breaks to calm down before going forward. In over ten years of marriage and the time before that we have argued seven times. Five for cleaning, one over money, and one a simple misunderstanding. My wife and I have great communication skills, and have worked to strengthen them. Reguardless, I have never nor would I even let myself get angry to the point of hurting someone I love.



> Ok I do respect your opinions but I also talked to someone at the seven hundred club and they did recommend that I go to counciling but I told them what you guys said and they said thats why you go to a christian person and they also said its people like you are the reason why more people don't step forward.


I think if you read thee forums you'd see how many people have been helped. It doesn't matter if you ask for Christian only advice. But all opinions are just that. I responded to you because you tried to justify doing wrong. People tend to ask for advice and only listen to what justifies their actions, or condones them.



> I can also tell that you two are hypocrites.


Luke 6:37 (King James Version)

37Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:




> you might not have ever done that but from the way you sound I should pray to you instead of jesus.


I never said such, nor would I, but it seems you feel the need to justify yourself. You have free will, do as you wish, I am not your judge nor your jury.



> I'll stick to the pros from now on!


If they give you the help you need, than bless them and you.

For your Wife if she reads this again. Bless you for trying to work on the marriage, You are a good woman for this alone. But you should never have to endure physical abuse or sit idle if your kids endure it. I pray for you both.

draconis


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## mikee12

Ok i let her read that thing and she says how is she loyal when she left to begin with.That shows that she is unwilling to take abuse.I also encouraged her to not come back if she did not feel safe and again today.

You are also twisting my words I said I did abuse her.I didn't say its all right ,and what excuse did I make for it.I should never have touched her.

The people at the 700 club told me the same thing once again and due to repeating myself you guys are not reading what I have to say to the fullest.

There is no excuse for what I did I just admitted up to that and I told her I would go to the police station if thats what she wanted so that she could get her stuff.I'm a blunt individual and am very open with my thoughts more than anyone I know.

I don't want mercy I just want her to be happy.We are going to counciling and the people at the 700 club said that god will work it out for us and they think we'll be alright because they talked to her too.

My point is you guy's are trying act like I just commited an unforgivable sin,like your perfect and never do wrong.I know thats not true because Jesus is the only perfect person out there.

The 700 club also told her if she does not feel safe then leave they told her she does not have to take that.They told me I need to change.Then they said that we don't need anything but god to make it.If I get mad I need to leave before I overreact and you guys are telling me that thats not good advise and that I'm a terrorist since I admit that I need help?

Like I said if nothing else I can admit it your those people who like I said before are never wrong.So how can I listen to that when I know that there is only one Jesus.


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## mikee12

I have ben thinking also that you guys are right.I need to hear those things but how is admitting that I am wrong and have a problem bad.I know what I did was bad and you are right she is victim regardless if I put my hands on her because there is no ecxuse for that.

I have also encouraged her to go visit her friends and even watched the kids.You guys can say what you want to but I would never touch my kids but that doesn't make touching her right.The kids don't need to see that and I told her I am willing to get help and if she feels like it would be best for her to leave and not come back I understand.

She came back because she said she loves me and she knows I can change because she knows me.I believe that I can change to and I will update you guys on this if you want me too.


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## voivod

mikee12 said:


> Ok i let her read that thing and she says how is she loyal when she left to begin with.That shows that she is unwilling to take abuse.I also encouraged her to not come back if she did not feel safe and again today.
> 
> You are also twisting my words I said I did abuse her.I didn't say its all right ,and what excuse did I make for it.I should never have touched her.
> 
> The people at the 700 club told me the same thing once again and due to repeating myself you guys are not reading what I have to say to the fullest.
> 
> There is no excuse for what I did I just admitted up to that and I told her I would go to the police station if thats what she wanted so that she could get her stuff.I'm a blunt individual and am very open with my thoughts more than anyone I know.
> 
> I don't want mercy I just want her to be happy.We are going to counciling and the people at the 700 club said that god will work it out for us and they think we'll be alright because they talked to her too.
> 
> My point is you guy's are trying act like I just commited an unforgivable sin,like your perfect and never do wrong.I know thats not true because Jesus is the only perfect person out there.
> 
> The 700 club also told her if she does not feel safe then leave they told her she does not have to take that.They told me I need to change.Then they said that we don't need anything but god to make it.If I get mad I need to leave before I overreact and you guys are telling me that thats not good advise and that I'm a terrorist since I admit that I need help?
> 
> Like I said if nothing else I can admit it your those people who like I said before are never wrong.So how can I listen to that when I know that there is only one Jesus.


untrue. i asked you to guide yourself to anger control. your response was one of indignancy. if you can't see that you need anger control, i'd like to suggest to you that you do. she will be imminenly happier if you do not abuse her than if you do. you want her to be happy? immediately get into anger control so she never has to be in fear of your anger escalating like this again.


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## mikee12

Once again I just stated that in the post you just quoted.


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## voivod

mikee12 said:


> Once again I just stated that in the post you just quoted.


okay. good. congrats on taking two very important steps. roll these facts around in your mind, too. give a picture of how this can turn very bad, very fast.

Get the Facts


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## draconis

> Ok I know I am in the wrong for touching her and have admitted to it.She on the other hand won't admitt up to anything she has done wrong


I was responding to your less than humble justifications of the situations. The fact that you want help is good, and I wish you well in that. Since you can't change the past focus on the future and do everything you can to change. One thing you have missed however is communication skills, I think you or both of you need to find better ways to communicate.

I don't think going to the police now would help anyone. But I have told many people on this forum the one thing that will destroy a person's self esteem is abuse.

Abuse is not a part of love. I really hope you rid yourself of that and any other "demon" you might have. I think you will not only be a better husband for it but you will like the changes too.

draconis


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## mikee12

You guys are right really I needed to hear that stuff I won't lie it just makes the reality of it a little more clarified.I do know that she really loves me or she wouldn't be here right now.For that I am gratefull.I really don't think there are to many women out there that would put up with my crap.

I also don't blame the devil or any other being or person for it either because I made the choice to do it regardless of what was going on.I do believe that he really likes to influence me though.

I really am checking into councling and stuff and that really makes her happy but I also believe that none of that means crap unless I follow through with it.

I guess really all I was wanting was a little encouragement.I do believe from now on I got what it takes to just walk out and walk until I cool of because she showed that her leaving is a reality if I don't change.

I also believe that it has to work both ways.I forgive her and she forgives me thank god for that.I know I don't deserve another chance but she's giving me one because she loves me.I have ben controlling myself way better for the past year and then we got into it again and like I said I did not hit her I turned her head toward me.Physical abuse is physical abuse though.If she doesn't want me to touch her like that then it is abuse.

I still got a ways to go but I just think she can tell that I have changed I just gotta change for good.


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## draconis

It should go both ways, but don't expect it to right off. You can always improve yourself, and any relationship starts there.

draconis


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## voivod

mikee12 said:


> I guess really all I was wanting was a little encouragement.I do believe from now on I got what it takes to just walk out and walk until I cool of because she showed that her leaving is a reality if I don't change.


you'll learn the ol' count to ten technique probably in anger management. seriously. it works. and yes, taking a walk too.


mikee12 said:


> I also believe that it has to work both ways.I forgive her and she forgives me thank god for that.I know I don't deserve another chance but she's giving me one because she loves me.I have ben controlling myself way better for the past year and then we got into it again and like I said I did not hit her I turned her head toward me.Physical abuse is physical abuse though.If she doesn't want me to touch her like that then it is abuse.


you seem to imply that some of this was her fault. you say " I also believe that it has to work both ways." abuse is never the victim's fault. that allows the abuser to justify his/her actions. i'm just saying to be careful. you can't justify abuse like that. and i'm very happy that you understand how important follow-up and follow thru is for you now. 


mikee12 said:


> I still got a ways to go but I just think she can tell that I have changed I just gotta change for good.


it truly is a life change. you'll be happier when you've learned to control your anger, i promise.


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## GAsoccerman

Mike Take responsibility for your own actions. YOU are resoponsible for what YOu do.

Go get some help, Drac and Void have given some great advice and you should listen to both of them.

Get some help from a professional counselour, not a pastor or preacher. A certified counselour that can help you with these anger issue you have.

Good luck


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## draconis

GAsoccerman said:


> Get some help from a professional counselour, not a pastor or preacher. A certified counselour that can help you with these anger issue you have.
> 
> Good luck


I agree that the help should be from a professional, although if religion is that important their are Christian Councilors out there that are good but might be a bit harder to find.

draconis


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## MarkTwain

mikee12-

Sorry, I am late to your thread. One thing that can really help is to run out of the room into the garden if you get angry. Sometimes the air can help cool you down. I used to get angry, but I am fairly calm these days. 

Many years ago, I threw half a cup of coffee at my wife. It was not very hot, but I felt so ashamed afterwards that I never wanted to do that again. I also used to shout a lot. After I stopped shouting so much, I learned to be really cutting with my words. Now I feel ashamed when I misuse my language abilities, words should be used to communicate and spread peace 

Sometimes shame can be your friend and guide. A business man once told me when I was only 11: "Be careful what you do today, because you don't want to look back and cringe"!

It was not for many years that I finally understood what he was talking about.


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## farmgirljenny

From my own experience..my husband crossed the line several times physically and it first he had me convinced that it was not abuse...besides the fact I am 5'4 and formally 150 lbs and he is 6'5 at 285 lbs, his excuse was that he if really wanted to hurt me he could have. It started out just by grabbing me or holding me against my will, then he took his feet and shoved me forcefully out of bed, the final straw came when I was six months pregnant and he shoved me across room into the corner of a dresser. Just the fact that I allowed him to put his hands on me in an aggressive manner showed that I was in denial about the abuse and the therapist pointed out that it would only get worse each time and she was right. I finally did go to the police, very humiliating, because he lied and said that I had also slapped him, both of us were arrested and processed but at least the documentation started. Six months later guess what it happened again, this time when the police were called I was granted a restraining order and he was court ordered to stop drinking, attend anger management and couples counseling which he would never have done on his own. The most helpful part of all of this was that he knew without a doubt during the next five years after this he if put his hands on me for any reason he would go to jail, the judge made this very clear. So even thought the threat of jailtime was the most effective it gave him time to really work on his issues with therapy and anger management. Even today during our last crisis he still has to work really hard to control his anger but he also knows I will not hesitate to have him locked up, sadly I think he if ever entered a relationship with anyone else if we end, if she were not as adament as myself I could see him repeating same behavior. I grew up with a physically abusive father and have been determined that my girls will not grow up thinking it is ever remotely acceptable to be abused by any man.


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