# Male coach patted my daughter on the butt



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, What do you think about this? One of the soccer coaches has been working out with any of the girls that wanted to train during the off season. My daughter has taken advantage of this, along with one of her friends. This has been offered to all the girls on the team. Most of the time it is just the two of the girls. Sometimes only my daughter is there. He does this at the YMCA. So it is at a public place.

This has been going on for a few months. I have been apprehensive about the situation, since it started. My husband has coached with him and has had no problems with it. The man is married and has two small children. Currently he is living in our area while his wife and children live two and half hours away due to current job situation. My daughter is 17 and very pretty.

Our daughter tells us last night that the coach patted her on the butt at the end of a drill. She didn't go work out yesterday. I feel like I don't want her around him from this point on. She wants to tell him that he crossed a line and she and her friend are just going to work out on their own. My husband is thinking he should go with her today. What are you're thoughts? I'm I blowing this out of proportion?


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

LimboGirl said:


> I have been apprehensive about the situation, since it started.


This is a red flag, you should go with your gut.



LimboGirl said:


> Our daughter tells us last night that the coach patted her on the butt at the end of a drill. She didn't go work out yesterday. I feel like I don't want her around him from this point on. She wants to tell him that he crossed a line and she and her friend are just going to work out on their own.


If your daughter feels it was inappropriate, it probably was. Regardless of what was meant by it, the important thing is that _she_ wasn't comfortable with it, and should set a boundary there.

I think it would be good for her to practice setting boundaries by telling the coach it made her uncomfortable and ending the workout / trainer sessions. It would be good for your husband (another adult) to go with her in case the guy tries to pull any funny stuff (blaming her, minimizing, justifying etc.).


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

LimboGirl said:


> Ok, What do you think about this? One of the soccer coaches has been working out with any of the girls that wanted to train during the off season. My daughter has taken advantage of this, along with one of her friends. This has been offered to all the girls on the team. Most of the time it is just the two of the girls. Sometimes only my daughter is there. He does this at the YMCA. So it is at a public place.
> 
> This has been going on for a few months. I have been apprehensive about the situation, since it started. My husband has coached with him and has had no problems with it. The man is married and has two small children. Currently he is living in our area while his wife and children live two and half hours away due to current job situation. My daughter is 17 and very pretty.
> 
> Our daughter tells us last night that the coach patted her on the butt at the end of a drill. She didn't go work out yesterday. I feel like I don't want her around him from this point on. She wants to tell him that he crossed a line and she and her friend are just going to work out on their own. My husband is thinking he should go with her today. What are you're thoughts? I'm I blowing this out of proportion?



I coach girls basketball. The girls are younger than your daughter. As a male coach of girls I am very mindful of how I interact with them. I don't feel you're overreacting especially since your daughter feels uncomfortable. Be glad she told you.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think it needs to be addressed. Whether it was intentional, or possibly him just not thinking, he needs to be aware of his boundaries and how to think before acting.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He crossed a line. It is not uncommon is sports, but I personally find it creepy when the athletes are young girls with old coaches (as in gymnastics), so I wouldn't blame your daughter at all for being uncomfortable, I also realize that a team can form a close familiar bond and so don't try to prejudge.

However, if this coach was like this with all the girls during the regular season, during games and didn't try to hide this behavior in front of parents or other teammates, it probably would have been not unusual in the off season, but the fact that it is with one or two alone raises my eyebrow, he is most certainly aware of exactly what he was doing and I would be very suspiscious of his intentions. I think it is a line that once is crossed can't go back on, find a different coach.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well if nothing else the coach is not the sharpest knife in the drawer for doing something that even creates the opportunity for a conversation like this. Better safe than sorry. If your daughter is comfortable handling it on her own I'd let her, but if I were her father I'd be in the wings as back up. 

I would certainly end the off season training. If she wants to stay on the team during the season I would probably let her but I'd always be there which could be unrealistic. Again, better safe than sorry.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

He knows he's being skeezy but would use the cover of "it's just something people do in sports, I wasn't thinking about the fact that she was a girl" if confronted.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Lon said:


> He crossed a line. It is not uncommon is sports, but I personally find it creepy when the athletes are young girls with old coaches (as in gymnastics), so I wouldn't blame your daughter at all for being uncomfortable, I also realize that a team can form a close familiar bond and so don't try to prejudge.
> 
> However, if this coach was like this with all the girls during the regular season, during games and didn't try to hide this behavior in front of parents or other teammates, it probably would have been not unusual in the off season, but the fact that it is with one or two alone raises my eyebrow, he is most certainly aware of exactly what he was doing and I would be very suspiscious of his intentions. I think it is a line that once is crossed can't go back on, find a different coach.


He is 41. She is 17. When he first became involved with the team, he is an assistant, I wondered why he would want to. He doesn't have a daughter on the team. He says his interest is because he wants his daughter to see she can do something other than cheer.

I know there are good guys out there that really want to give back and all. He teaches at a medical school and also offered to have study sessions for the girls that took AP Biology. This was offered to all of them. About four took him up on it. My daughter was one of them. Nothing happened at the session. The session was at the college. But my daughter won't ask him for any more help. He is quite pushing about telling her she should come to him for help. 

I asked him for advice on colleges with a good science background. He came over and had dinner with us and talked about colleges. During the evening, he was quite vocal about her not coming to him for help. I didn't really like it. Then he was looking at a photo of her when she was little. She was climbing a rock wall in the picture. He makes the comment that he will have to take her rock climbing in the summer. It was just weird. 

This all happened in a matter of days. Of course I'm trying not to think of every crime show I ever watched on TV. But I definitely think he is not getting around my daughter any more. I don't want him around the other girls on the team either.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

If a 41 year old man touched my 17 year old daughter's ( I don't have a 17 YO ) butt for any reason at all, I would be in his face instantly.

I might just break his hand too.

No grown man touches an underage girl in that way. Period, ever.

Hell, it would be creepy if the girl's father was patting her butt at the end of a play, never mind a coach.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Creepy for sure. In light of that I'd cut all ties even if she has to quit the team. Eeeew.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There's not a grown man on this planet who isn't aware of the serious and horrific consequences of touching an underage girl on the butt.

So don't take his decision to cross into that territory lightly.

In no way should your daughter confront him. You should confront him with the police and school. If that's too much for you, minimum your husband should do it.

This guy is pushing boundaries, a girl with emotional trauma he would take advantage of, sexually. You have an obligation to report this.

If you leave your daughter in his care you are an animal.


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

Your daughter has set boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour and wants to enforce them? Good for her!!

Are you blowing this out of proportion? Maybe... How many girls, how far away his family is, your daughter being pretty, have nothing to do with the fact that what he did made your daughter uncomfortable (and broke the rules of the YMCA and every other organization that works with kids). 

I would go with her and let her explain how she feels.to him. His intention may just have been motivation or encouragemnt but it was wrong and he should be made aware so he can correct his behaviour if he wants to continue to be a coach.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ewwwwww.


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

LG, reading your reply to Lon I can totally understand your concern and find myself agreeing with what COGuy says. You might even want to do a little research (sex offender registry, police in hometown, etc)before letting your daughter near him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's offended so it matters.

Talk to him.

I don't care if butt patting is a part of sports. It's NOT a part of dealing with other people's children. If I patted one of my student's butts during PE i would be fired or at least looked into.

Good grief. She's a minor. It's not ok.

And so you know, my sisters were molested by a family friend who was married and had two girls our ages.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Shoot, i'm a guy and I hate "good games", something inherently strange about it to me. I have never been of the opinion of grown man slapping each other's butt's. So this situation is an evenbigger red flag. And your H is ok with this? Can you say decked to the floor had I seen that as her father. But maybe i'm irrational.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm shocked at some of the comments on here so far.

Really shocked.

We watch on TV all day every day about people getting arrested and jailed and sued and losing their jobs and their lives for any remotely inappropriate contact with employees, children, students, etc.

No teacher/coach can teach without being brutally aware of this reality.

The decision to cross that boundary is not of ignorance, no one can claim that in this day and age.

This guy tested a boundary, if your daughter was weak he would have crossed another one. The man is an abuser and needs to be brought to light.

You see on TV all these kids getting abused, and you think, "where the hell are the parents when this stuff happens? Why didn't anyone speak up?" Now I know why......

Hardly anyone in a page full of comments suggested going to the cops or school and reporting it.

IN A POSITION OF AUTHORITY THIS GUY TOUCHED YOUR DAUGHTERS A$$.

Why are we protecting him?

At-a-baby's are things guys do to other guys. Hell even our coaches weren't dumb enough to do that to us in this day and age of law suits and abuse scandals.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

COguy said:


> Hardly anyone in a page full of comments suggested going to the cops or school and reporting it.


Good point. It's definitely something to bring up with the YMCA, where it occurred, and school or playground where he coaches. Police too if you feel it was sexual assault or others could be harmed as well. I was initially concerned that this guy would still be coaching girls your daughters age. I don't know the legal definitions of stuff like this, but guilt should be left up to the judge or jury.

I say bring it as far as you feel that you should.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Silly Husband said:


> LG, reading your reply to Lon I can totally understand your concern and find myself agreeing with what COGuy says. You might even want to do a little research (sex offender registry, police in hometown, etc)before letting your daughter near him.


I agree, you elaborated a bit and showed that he not only is around young girls for soccer, but also at university, and now rock climbing with your daughter? He is fascinated with young girls. You are right it is weird. It is also very predatory, so I would definitely not trust him he is a real threat.

COGuy, it is hard to not prejudge, especially as us commenters were not there, but just going from the facts I too think you are correct, this guy is pushing his boundaries and is very likely an abuser.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Silly Husband said:


> LG, reading your reply to Lon I can totally understand your concern and find myself agreeing with what COGuy says. You might even want to do a little research (sex offender registry, police in hometown, etc)before letting your daughter near him.


I ran a criminal background check last night. I ran it nationwide. It came up with nothing.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

COguy said:


> There's not a grown man on this planet who isn't aware of the serious and horrific consequences of touching an underage girl on the butt.
> 
> So don't take his decision to cross into that territory lightly.
> 
> ...


While I don't appreciate being called an animal, I do feel I have an obligation. My daughter doesn't want this blown out of proportion. She doesn't want his family going through something like this.

I personally have begun to worry that he was actually grooming her for this. I also realize that I could just let this make me paranoid. I don't want to accuse someone of a sex crime if they really are not guilty of it.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Shoot, i'm a guy and I hate "good games", something inherently strange about it to me. I have never been of the opinion of grown man slapping each other's butt's. So this situation is an evenbigger red flag. And your H is ok with this? Can you say decked to the floor had I seen that as her father. But maybe i'm irrational.


Husband is not OK with this. I worry he will lose his cool with this guy, but we plan on him talking to him. He has coached with him, so I feel it is his territory. I really put this on here to get a clear picture. I am glad I did. This is so upsetting.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

LimboGirl said:


> I personally have begun to worry that he was actually grooming her for this.


Yep, just did some reading up on it. Sounds like it. Go with your gut instincts momma. That's what they are there for.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

My sisters daughter went through something similar with her PE teacher. He was a male and been at the school for years. My niece was 13 at the time. Several girls were doing curl ups and when they jumped down he would pat them on the butt and say "good job." My niece was bothered by this, and not sure about the other girls, either they weren't bothered by it or they didn't report it or tell their parents. 

I knew the PE coach and he seemed like a scattered brained type of person, in other words someone who may not do something intentional nessecerily, but he may do things without thinking, either way thats not very good. Anyway my sister and niece reported it to the principal and to my knowledge he talked with the coach. This incident happened within only a few weeks before school let out for the Summer. At the end of the school year the coach announced he would be resigning. Not sure if that was done on his own, or if he was asked to.

Bottom line it does need to be addressed and he did cross a boundary. I would let the YMCA know and let them handle it from there.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

COguy said:


> I'm shocked at some of the comments on here so far.
> 
> Really shocked.
> 
> ...


I've often wondered where the parents were too. Here's the disturbing part. We're very involved. My husband is an assistant coach with this guy. We talk to our daughter as much as she will let us. We really try. 

Maybe we are guilty of judging the people on TV so we can tell our self it won't happen to us.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

My daughter is afraid to press charges. A few years ago, there was a female coach who targeted a girl on the basketball team. The girl was 17. A lot of nasty things were said about the girl. My daughter is afraid that will happen to her. 

We live in a small town and the female coach came from an influential family. The basketball player came from a broken home from another state. 

I feel like we need to make sure he isn't around any of the other girls.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Chris H. said:


> Yep, just did some reading up on it. Sounds like it. Go with your gut instincts momma. That's what they are there for.


What did you read? I would like to read it too.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Child Sexual Abuse - 6 Stages of Grooming - Oprah.com


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

1) Your daughter may not want to make a big deal out of it, but she should, at the *very least* file a report because what he did was sexual harassment. 

2) As a parent, you need to inform his employer. 
The fact that he's trying to get close to your daughter is very alarming. He is a predator and he will find someone else to prey on - if he doesn't give up on your daughter, that is. A molester can become obsessed with what he desires.
*Someone else's daughter will also wind up a victim if you don't act. *

3) A clean background doesn't mean squat. 
Molesters rely on a culture of silence and secrecy so they can continue to harm. 
*Look no further than Jerry Sandusky and Penn State as an example of just how bad it can really get.*

4) You mentioned he has two daughters. I wonder what life will be like for them if Daddy is dirty.

I know it is a lot to process, but do not let him get away with it any longer. You have a chance to help people.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> My daughter is afraid to press charges. A few years ago, there was a female coach who targeted a girl on the basketball team. The girl was 17. A lot of nasty things were said about the girl. My daughter is afraid that will happen to her.
> 
> We live in a small town and the female coach came from an influential family. The basketball player came from a broken home from another state.
> 
> I feel like we need to make sure he isn't around any of the other girls.


Your daughter needs to understand that her silence, could mean another girl's rape.

Make sure she knows you have her back all the way into the fight. If another teacher starts crap, it just makes the fight that much meaner.

She is seventeen, so she is almost out of that school anyways. So don't worry about what bridges get burned, there is something larger at stake.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Ok, What do you think about this? One of the soccer coaches has been working out with any of the girls that wanted to train during the off season. My daughter has taken advantage of this, along with one of her friends. This has been offered to all the girls on the team. Most of the time it is just the two of the girls. Sometimes only my daughter is there. He does this at the YMCA. So it is at a public place.
> 
> This has been going on for a few months. I have been apprehensive about the situation, since it started. My husband has coached with him and has had no problems with it. The man is married and has two small children. Currently he is living in our area while his wife and children live two and half hours away due to current job situation. My daughter is 17 and very pretty.
> 
> Our daughter tells us last night that the coach patted her on the butt at the end of a drill. She didn't go work out yesterday. I feel like I don't want her around him from this point on. She wants to tell him that he crossed a line and she and her friend are just going to work out on their own. My husband is thinking he should go with her today. What are you're thoughts? I'm I blowing this out of proportion?


Sorry, but a male coach should not be patting young girls / women on the butt. This would be wrong if she was 18 IMHO and out on her own. It is especially heinous in my view because she is still a minor.

First off she should be free to tell him right then and there to never do that again. That is difficult when you have a person like a coach in an authority position.

Frankly if I were her father I would meet with the guy and tell him that he crossed a big boundary and that I was taking my daughter out of the situation. Depending on the "discussion" I would go to the Director of that YMCA about. It is highly unlikely he could say anything that would stop me from going to the Director.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> He is 41. She is 17. When he first became involved with the team, he is an assistant, I wondered why he would want to. He doesn't have a daughter on the team. He says his interest is because he wants his daughter to see she can do something other than cheer.
> 
> I know there are good guys out there that really want to give back and all. He teaches at a medical school and also offered to have study sessions for the girls that took AP Biology. This was offered to all of them. About four took him up on it. My daughter was one of them. Nothing happened at the session. The session was at the college. But my daughter won't ask him for any more help. He is quite pushing about telling her she should come to him for help.
> 
> ...


Uuummmm. Getting a little creepy here.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> My daughter is afraid to press charges. A few years ago, there was a female coach who targeted a girl on the basketball team. The girl was 17. A lot of nasty things were said about the girl. My daughter is afraid that will happen to her.
> 
> We live in a small town and the female coach came from an influential family. The basketball player came from a broken home from another state.
> 
> I feel like we need to make sure he isn't around any of the other girls.


Yeah well, understood. But the lesson here for her is not to start out her life being afraid to stand up for herself or others. So spin this in a way that encourages her to be a strong person. No reason to take [email protected] from anyone in life. The sooner one learns about their own self worth and boundaries the better. This is a critical lesson at 17.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> While I don't appreciate being called an animal, I do feel I have an obligation. My daughter doesn't want this blown out of proportion. She doesn't want his family going through something like this.
> 
> I personally have begun to worry that he was actually grooming her for this. I also realize that I could just let this make me paranoid. I don't want to accuse someone of a sex crime if they really are not guilty of it.


What happens when 2 years from now you see the guy on the news for raping a girl?

This guy has no right to protection, he crossed a line you don't cross. It's not up to you to determine his guilt or innocence, that's for the police and/or a group of his peers.

You owe it to the potential victims to bring this to light now before someone gets hurt. Do you really want some young girl's innocence on your hands because you didn't want to "let things get out of control"?

Your daughter doesn't have to be affected, the justice system protects minors. If he uttered a word about your daughter's name you could sue the living sh*t out of him.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Jesus people calm down!

It was a pat on the butt and inappropriate. Just stop training with him and he'll get the message and most likely never do such a thing again.

It's not like he ruined your daughter's life or anything, why try to ruin his? 

Just calmly approach him and say "Please never do things like that again. It's inappropriate". He'll apologize and everyone goes about their business.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Also, what would talking to him prove? You really think he would come out and say, "Oh thanks for mentioning it, I was planning to molest your daughter but now that we talked, I'll think better."

No, he's going to tell you whatever you want to hear. "It was an accident" "I wasn't thinking" "it didn't mean anything" "I would never do anything like that, I have two daughters" "don't ruin my life"


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

COguy said:


> Also, what would talking to him prove? You really think he would come out and say, "Oh thanks for mentioning it, I was planning to molest your daughter but now that we talked, I'll think better."
> 
> No, he's going to tell you whatever you want to hear. "It was an accident" "I wasn't thinking" "it didn't mean anything" "I would never do anything like that, I have two daughters" "don't ruin my life"


And that's exactly what should happen. He'll feel bad about what he did and question himself over and over for the next few weeks(maybe years).

Stop making monsters out of ordinary people.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Jesus people calm down!
> 
> It was a pat on the butt and inappropriate. Just stop training with him and he'll get the message and most likely never do such a thing again.
> 
> ...


If you were a coach, would you pat a 17 year old girl on the butt?

If you say yes, you are moron. If you say no, is it not because you know the sh*t storm that would come on you if you got caught?

Like I said, every person in a place of authority is well aware of this line. You can not be a coach, teacher, mentor, volunteer without this being discussed before hand. It's just not possible. The guy knows what he did.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Talk to the Y.
They have people who will have a word with this coach.
Also, in a Y there are usually video monitors, tapes.
So he can be confronted with exactly how he patted her on the butt.
He sounds odd. Your daughter's concerns are valid.
Someone with a clue who was trustworthy would not even be working out 1-1 with a 17 year old. He would say let's cancel, and be in control of the situation, where a 17 year old's reputation could be questioned, and his own. A 'real' coach with training would be able to recognize a situation and do the things that prevent it. In that case, he would definitely have taken care not to touch her butt.
Need a new coach. Guy should be dismissed.
Check for videotapes.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

synthetic said:


> And that's exactly what should happen. He'll feel bad about what he did and question himself over and over for the next few weeks(maybe years).
> 
> Stop making monsters out of ordinary people.


Ordinary people don't touch minors under their care inappropriately. If they do, they are not fit to be in a position of authority. So either way, this guy needs to be informed.

You have no idea the mental damage this could do to a girl. Her daughter is already dealing with some of it. What if he did it to a girl that was molested at a young age?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

COguy said:


> If you were a coach, would you pat a 17 year old girl on the butt?
> 
> If you say yes, you are moron.


I can be a moron sometimes. Doesn't mean I'm a rapist or a sick predator.

I don't know if I would pat a 17 year old on the butt. I know it would be wrong, but I have done many wrong things in life. I bet we all have. 

The punishment/consequence should match the crime. Patting someone on the butt for the first time should not bring about the involvement of the police or filing of charges. That's just silly.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Jesus people calm down!
> 
> It was a pat on the butt and inappropriate. Just stop training with him and he'll get the message and most likely never do such a thing again.
> 
> ...


Responsible adults / parents do not go through life this way. IMHO. It is not just about protecting their own daughter. To assume that this will have an impact on him is naive. 

If this is an isolated incident then that will be noted. But if no one alerts those in authority they are enabling this type of thing. It may turn out that this is not an isolated incident. Keeping quiet is not the responsible thing to do ... in my opinion. Telling the director is the right thing to do.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> What if he did it to a girl that was molested at a young age?


What if

What if

What if...

Stop it already.

He patted her on the butt. She didn't find it acceptable. He should simply know and be told to never do such a thing again. DONE!


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

COguy said:


> If you were a coach, would you pat a 17 year old girl on the butt?
> 
> If you say yes, you are moron. If you say no, is it not because you know the sh*t storm that would come on you if you got caught?
> 
> Like I said, every person in a place of authority is well aware of this line. You can not be a coach, teacher, mentor, volunteer without this being discussed before hand. It's just not possible. The guy knows what he did.


I know he knows not to do this. It was just a few days before that he was stating that my daughter's friend had said she didn't like a guy that ran a camp because he put his hand on her chest. I actually agree with COGUY about this. I don't think it was nothing. He teaches at the graduate level in a medical university wouldn't they have some kind of something about sexual harassment!!!


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Talk to the Y.
> They have people who will have a word with this coach.
> Also, in a Y there are usually video monitors, tapes.
> So he can be confronted with exactly how he patted her on the butt.
> ...


There won't be videotape. When this happened they were on the soccer field. He works out at the Y and the girls meet him there. He's just a member there.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

Synthetic - Look at what other behavior LimboGirl has talked about regarding the coach and her daughter. 
It is classic predator behavior. This isn't nothing.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Chris H. said:


> Child Sexual Abuse - 6 Stages of Grooming - Oprah.com


Thank you. I read it. Some of it applies. My daughter does have low self esteem. I know why. Not something I want to get into. Her self esteem lately has been worse. She has been overly concerned with her weight since she has been working out. Some of the comments he has made to her about her weight has bothered her. I really wondered at the time if he didn't have the sense not to try and guess a teenage girl's weight. This made her skip meals and stuff. I really wonder if he was messing with her head.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

synthetic said:


> I can be a moron sometimes. Doesn't mean I'm a rapist or a sick predator.
> 
> I don't know if I would pat a 17 year old on the butt. I know it would be wrong, but I have done many wrong things in life. I bet we all have.
> 
> The punishment/consequence should match the crime. Patting someone on the butt for the first time should not bring about the involvement of the police or filing of charges. That's just silly.


Your logic is fundamentally flawed. If everyone thought like you he could get away with it 100 times. If he pats a girl on the butt and she says nothing, then he can keep doing it and never face a penalty.

It takes someone with courage and knowledge of right and wrong to be the first person to step up.

Ever notice how when one person does something like this, more people come forward and talk about it?

Also, your tactic all but ensures he escalates it before getting caught. What's better, nipping a butt slap in the bud or having to come forward after he molests some young girl?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

synthetic said:


> What if
> 
> What if
> 
> ...


Yes, by someone in authority. By someone who can make this part of the record. By someone who can look for other incidents. A parent is not that person. 

He messed up. Life is Darwinian. Your what ifs are no better.

What if he has only done this once? What if he did not realize it was bad? What if you tell him and he stops?

"What if" is right. Do not rely on the what if. escalate this to the folks who are responsible to oversee such activitity. What if it was innocent?

Sorry he has to be held accountable. It was his action with a minor that caused his circumstance.

The parents sweeping it under the rug is not the proper way to go. It is DONE when it is investigated to see if this inappropriate behavior is a recurring thing. By making note of it, it will be on the record.

You do not take chances with minors. Zero tolerance and no slack. He chose this.

I honestly do not think you could be serious in defending this but go for it.

Maybe he will just get a pat on the butt and put on double secret probabtion.

I agree that most folks want to take the path of least resistence in life. There is something to be said for that. But one has to make judgements on when that is appropriate. I have two grown daughters who palyed sports when they were younger. I also coached a girls softball team one of my daughters was on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't understand all this discussion.

The girl was offended. Case closed. So it needs to be addressed. She needs to be able to tell him and other people in authority NOT to cross her boundary. By ignoring it, it will make her think it is ok, and she knows it's not.

Now, if this was hypothetical, then he should not be working with minors if he can't keep his hands to himself.

SO MANY TIMES i have to catch myself from swatting kids on the butt...like I do my own children...because I'm around kids all day. They remind me of my kids and so I smoetimes forget they aren't mine.

But I've never touched a child. I rarely hug. And at 17, getting your butt 
tapped/slapped/whatever is sexual.

I played many sports growing up. Mostly softball...male coaches. NOT ONE ever touched me. Ever. And I was a star player


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Uuummmm. Getting a little creepy here.


And yet the mother doesn't listen to her own red flags and allows her child to be alone with him for practice.

Unreal.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

LimboGirl - may I suggest counseling for your daughter?
Dealing with all this must be overwhelming for her. 

Being a teenager is hard enough and it sounds like the coach has a good deal of influence over her and there are certain emotions that spring up around it that are going to be confusing for her. 
Couple that with her self-esteem and she may develop an eating disorder.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Talk to whoever the head honcho is in charge at the YMCA. Have a meeting with them, your daughter may want to go as well, because its likely they will ask her questions. They may bring in the coach too but not sure they may talk with him separate. They will probably ask if you want to press charges/take it the police etc. IF thats something you do not want to do, than you just go from there.

BUT once you bring it to the attention of the proper people where he works, they will more than likely ask you that question. If all you want is him removed from that place of employment then thats likely what will happen. If you want to address the coach yourself thats fine too, but its probably best to do it with a third party such as the personal where he works.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

You know it was weird. I noticed my daughter limiting her food and worrying about her weight. At the same time she is working out to get stronger for soccer season. I would tell her she had to eat more because she was working out. The coach tells me he doesn't know why she is worried about her weight. I hadn't mentioned this to him. He even arranges for a nutritionist to talk to her. But I find out that he guessed my daughter's weight at 130. I would have thought that if you know someone is worried about their weight you wouldn't try and guess it. But at the same time he is arranging for someone to talk to her because he cares. This is all without consulting me.

I know I sound paranoid now. But I feel like he was really setting this up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope you're not still dealing with him and having your daughter be around him.

You know it's creepy. Protect your kid.

And lots of 17 year old girls watch what they eat, etc. It doesn't always mean an eating disorder.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> You know it was weird. I noticed my daughter limiting her food and worrying about her weight. At the same time she is working out to get stronger for soccer season. I would tell her she had to eat more because she was working out. The coach tells me he doesn't know why she is worried about her weight. I hadn't mentioned this to him. He even arranges for a nutritionist to talk to her. But I find out that he guessed my daughter's weight at 130. I would have thought that if you know someone is worried about their weight you wouldn't try and guess it. But at the same time he is arranging for someone to talk to her because he cares. *This is all without consulting me.*
> 
> I know I sound paranoid now. But I feel like he was really setting this up.


Even if you hired this guy and were paying him to do this you would need to be consulted.

But yeah your daughter should not be near this guy any more.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Thank you. I read it. Some of it applies. My daughter does have low self esteem. I know why. Not something I want to get into. Her self esteem lately has been worse. She has been overly concerned with her weight since she has been working out. Some of the comments he has made to her about her weight has bothered her. I really wondered at the time if he didn't have the sense not to try and guess a teenage girl's weight. This made her skip meals and stuff. I really wonder if he was messing with her head.


Limbo, please do the right thing and report this guy. If you want, PM me his name and I'll make an anonymous report, other people can speak up if they want (including your daughter).

I've worked as a sub, volunteered at a Y, numerous churches, everyone makes you sign waivers and most do some sort of education about pretenses. You don't put yourself in a position to be questioned, let alone do something like this.

You know that if you put yourself in a questionable position, even if you are squeaky clean, you can be put in a bad spot. This guy was willing to risk his entire life to make inappropriate contact with your daughter. He's constantly in compromising positions.

Do not stay silent.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I know reading my posts it sounds like my daughter has an eating disorder she doesn't. Not yet.

Most of the time the working out has been with another girl on the team. There have been times when my husband has worked out with them. He has said that he has watched for this behavior. During the whole season he said he saw nothing but professional behavior. My husband was at most of the practices the entire time. 

Looking back it is easy to pick up on things. Some of the things I have mentioned have been very subtle. While it is easy to say how could this happen, I don't think it is very productive.

My husband will be talking to this guy in a few hours.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> I know reading my posts it sounds like my daughter has an eating disorder she doesn't. Not yet.
> 
> Most of the time the working out has been with another girl on the team. There have been times when my husband has worked out with them. He has said that he has watched for this behavior. During the whole season he said he saw nothing but professional behavior. My husband was at most of the practices the entire time.
> 
> ...


Which means he took the opportunity to slap her butt when they were somewhat isolated from everyone else. Either one on one or with just one other girl. He did not do that when he could be observed by other adults.

1) Instigate
2) Isolate
3) Escalate


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

COguy said:


> Limbo, please do the right thing and report this guy. If you want, PM me his name and I'll make an anonymous report, other people can speak up if they want (including your daughter).
> 
> I've worked as a sub, volunteered at a Y, numerous churches, everyone makes you sign waivers and most do some sort of education about pretenses. You don't put yourself in a position to be questioned, let alone do something like this.
> 
> ...


Oh I'm not going to stay silent. I happen to have a good friend who is the district attorney that I will be getting advice from. I am also going to take my daughter to a psychologist. I didn't get on here because I didn't have a plan. I got on here to make sure I was thinking of everything I should. And I am mad as hell!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Oh I'm not going to stay silent. I happen to have a good friend who is the district attorney that I will be getting advice from. I am also going to take my daughter to a psychologist. I didn't get on here because I didn't have a plan. I got on here to make sure I was thinking of everything I should. And I am mad as hell!!!


Good! You should be! I'm glad you're taking action.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> Oh I'm not going to stay silent. I happen to have a good friend who is the district attorney that I will be getting advice from. I am also going to take my daughter to a psychologist. I didn't get on here because I didn't have a plan. I got on here to make sure I was thinking of everything I should. And I am mad as hell!!!


Good on you! :smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Skin this guy and hang him on a hook.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Not every male coach will make a mistake but yes if happens sometimes.
> 
> Most male coaches are former athletes and it will happen in rare
> cases where the coach gets caught up in the moment.


The difference is that someone who gets caught up in the moment does so usually in great committee. They aren't getting "caught up" in 1 on 1 situations.

One on one situation - bad
Caught up in the moment - bad

One on One and Caught up in the moment - call the police


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think it is less about hanging the guy from a hook and more about shining the light of day on his actions. There may be a history here. Or not. Anyway it should be an official wakeup call. He may need to stick to teaching Biology to Grad school coeds and leave the minors alone. Just sayin.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

My husband has just left to go with my daughter to talk to this guy. I so hope he keeps his cool.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LimboGirl said:


> My husband has just left to go with my daughter to talk to this guy. I so hope he keeps his cool.


It would be best if he did, but the coach is skating on thin ice. He should be very apologetic.

I just hope that whatever the outcome she is done with him as her coach.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> I am troubled by the background regarding the rock climbing story
> with the pat on the bottom.
> 
> Husband should talk to the coach.
> ...


TAM Over the top? Never...


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Get ready for this:

"She just misunderstood, that's all."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just don't know why you had to make sure you were thinking the right things about this.

Trust your mom-gut. Seriously.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Not every male coach will make a mistake but yes if happens sometimes.
> 
> Most male coaches are former athletes and it will happen in rare
> cases where the coach gets caught up in the moment.


If a normal 40-something year old man gets caught up "in the moment" with a 17 year old girl, he'd apologize immediately.
A person on the receiving end would know if it was an honest mistake.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If anybody has ever played sports at a high level this is common even among male coaches and female players.

This is why I have turned down every coaching opportunity I've had. Not that I didnt want to coach just that I have no idea if anything I do would be taken wrong and open up a can of worms.

A pat on the butt for a good job is not sexual.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The_Swan said:


> If a normal 40-something year old man gets caught up "in the moment" with a 17 year old girl, he'd apologize immediately.
> A person on the receiving end would know if it was an honest mistake.


Not true. If as a coach you're mind is in the sport and on the actions dealing with the sport and not on how your congratulations will be perceived I can totally see how this situation can occur.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sinnister said:


> If anybody has ever played sports at a high level this is common even among male coaches and female players.
> 
> This is why I have turned down every coaching opportunity I've had. Not that I didnt want to coach just that I have no idea if anything I do would be taken wrong and open up a can of worms.
> 
> A pat on the butt for a good job is not sexual.


maybe not in your eyes. But if a grown man swatted my daughter's ass at 17, it's not just for a good job.

Have some self control.

Defend it all you want. I think it's stupid even when it's guys slappin other guys' asses. I never got that. So macho but then they pat each other on the butt.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

that_girl said:


> maybe not in your eyes. But if a grown man swatted my daughter's ass at 17, it's not just for a good job.
> 
> Have some self control.
> 
> Defend it all you want. I think it's stupid even when it's guys slappin other guys' asses. I never got that. So macho but then they pat each other on the butt.


You're right. It's a subjective topic. For me personally If I saw my daughter make a nice play and her coach slap the butt I wouldn't think twice. But that's just because I've been raised in sports and that's a normal part of it.

But if it happened in a fairly secluded area with no real prompting or reason behind it...I can see your point. Again...completely subjective. But when it comes to sports my mind doesn't go there..even with my 2 girls.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

#1. Anyone dealing with kids sports should have it made very clear to them that physical contact with the kids that could be at all sexually construed is an absolute no-no. If that's not the case, the organizing body is at fault, and they should fix the situation.

#2. It might be one thing in the middle of a game, with all the excitement and all, and the coach pats someone on the ass when they come off the field after scoring a goal. It's quite another when it's a one-on-one session, and you're running drills.

#3. It seems that the coach is "fishing". Dangling a subtle hook out there, seeing what he catches. If anything too scary pops up, he'll reel his line back in and claim it was nothing. It might be nothing, but that's for the trained professionals and administrators to decide.

All this is said as a father of two teen/tweens involved in sports, and as a dad who coached his daughter's team. I'm sorry your family and your daughter in particular has to go through this.

C


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## Batman64 (Nov 25, 2011)

If someone patted my 17 yr old daughter on the butt, I'd be f#@$ing somebody up real quick. This guys has no daughter on the team and is testing the waters in some way.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Actually the fact that your daughter brought it up and skipped the class, I would assume that things are much worse. Usually kids don't bring such stuff to parent's notice if they can avoid it. There is a chance that she gave you a watered down version. Maybe he was acting as a creep for quite some time. Get your daughter comfortable and ask her


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Girls need to know they can set a boundary. Regsrdless if the coach was out of line or not, I feel it would be very good for your daughter to tell the coach she was uncomfortable and offended by his action. 

It is great that she told you. Now it would be productive for her to tell him. If you or her dad goes along and even if you start the conversation, I think it would be very empowering for her to tell the coach in her own words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

COguy said:


> This guy is pushing boundaries, a girl with emotional trauma he would take advantage of, sexually. You have an obligation to report this.


How many kids have been abused because parents/responsible adults failed to report behaviour like this? Nip this in the bud before he takes it to the next stage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think it is less about hanging the guy from a hook and more about shining the light of day on his actions. There may be a history here. Or not. Anyway it should be an official wakeup call. He may need to stick to teaching Biology to Grad school coeds and leave the minors alone. Just sayin.


To mean, this is the point. No one knows how many "conversations" with concerned parents this guy has had in the past, because they are kept secret. Reporting to the Y (or any other organization) is critical so that patterns can be found. If they don't know, they can't be on the look out for other actions.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It amazes me that it took 6 pages to convince a mother that this man may be a danger to her child and other children. 

If a 17 yo girl's athletic performance gets him so caught up in the moment that he invades her personal space and puts his hand not on her arm or shoulder but on her butt, what will he do when she wins a game. 

Will he make a grab for her crotch? If inappropriate touching is among his repertoire of behavior when he loses himself in the moment, then it is better that he remove himself from choaching young people. 

Even if he is innocent, he has done a number of inappropriate things as the OP has reported. The weight thing, anyone working with girls knows enough not to make references to that aspect or any aspect of her physique. 

Further, bringing in a nutritionist without consulting the parents is further proof that he does not have the proper boundaries, good judgement or the temperament to work with kids. 

This thread amply shows why predators live among us so freely. They do for just the reasons expressed by some posters. His behavior is inappropriate at best and he should not have contact with young girls. 

In fact this is not a mistake, it is a lapse in judgement, control and a violation of personal boundaries. That in itself is not a crime. But in what form do these faults take? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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