# Just had a row about cooking!



## Hoggie (Feb 18, 2012)

sounds trivial but actually its actually really wound me up! I'm fed up with my wife's inability to cook tasty food. Just because she can live off yoghurt and fruit doesn't mean that her man of 20 years can. She's always known i love my food. She also knows (from the very first meal she cooked me) that she has no idea about cooking. She gives the kids a variety but doens't bother with me. For example, if she finds an _ingredient_ that I like, then thats all we'll have for the next 2 weeks! And then she wonders why I get fed up! She doesn't taste food when she's cooking and so has no idea when its too salty, too bland, or delicious! Its all random! I could go on but I think you've got the point!

My question is... so why doesn't she learn?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She's not interested in cooking. A lot of people hate cooking, and/or hate the preparation needed - having ingredients on hand, shopping for it, planning menus, etc. 

Do you cook? Do you help with the cooking at all? You've known from the start that she isn't into cooking. Being responsible for every single meal for 20 years can be a lot of work and boring as hell for someone who dislikes cooking.


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## Hoggie (Feb 18, 2012)

I do cook but I just can't get the time. Usual story - work form 7am-9pm, she's at home during the day and picks up the kids late afternoon. Am I being a MCP by expecting dinner?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, if she's not working, then it sounds like you two have agreed on a division of labor that includes her making all the meals. But, that doesn't mean it is something she enjoys. If she doesn't like it, then she isn't going to do nearly as good a job as someone who enjoys it. Expecting her to like it isn't fruitful; and after all this time, expecting her to become good at it isn't likely.

How about weekends? Could you do any cooking then? Maybe if the two of you do it together, she'd enjoy it more and would learn things? You could also make a bunch of meals on weekends, or prep for them, and that way she'd be able to just pop them into the oven during the week only needing to add fresh things like salads?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She probably hates cooking because cooking for you is a freaking minefield for her.

Why don`t you learn how to cook?

You don`t seem to have starved the past twenty years.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Hoggie said:


> She gives the kids a variety but doens't bother with me.


First off is this true? What kind of variety is she providing for them?

Secondly while I love to cook I will admit it is a pain in the butt to cook for me, my husband AND the kids when everybody has different requirements. See I'm a homemaker on a diet. 

My answer is I cheat. I pay $5 a month for meal plans complete with directions, side dishes, and a shopping list from emealz.com. They are simple meals, none repeat, they are easy and tasty. I do this to keep my own husband happy. He likes variety and me I can and do eat pretty much the same thing everyday.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If I were you I would feel free to get takeout from a variety of favorite deli shops and cafe's and restaurants on a daily basis. If I was working from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. I sure wouldn't be eating when I got home anyway, I'd be wanting to get cozy and spend some intimate time with my spouse. If she doesn't like cooking, go treat yourself to what you do like, it's a win-win situation and hey, no dishes!


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

My wife doesn't cook very often.

I taught myself to cook, because I love to eat. I'm a damn good cook and proud of it.

One thing you can do is cook multiple days worth of food for yourself. I spend a couple hours on Sunday making 3-4 days worth of meals, Wednesday for another 2-3 days and one out dinner on the weekend.

If she never cooks, that is an issue.

If she cooks, but not to your specific taste, hit the kitchen and take care of it yourself.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

(1) Cooking classes. If she develops some successes, maybe she'll like it more.
(2) Cooking together on the weekends and making meals in advance for the week.
(3) Meal planning using food from services like Schwann's, if you can afford it. 
(4) Not every woman can cook (or wants to) simply because she's female just like every man can't (or doesn't want to) fix cars simply because he's male. It's unfortunate that the one who can't cook (or hates to) is the one who is not employed outside of the home but there you have it. So you may just need a solution that does not involve her cooking.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Hoggie said:


> My question is... so why doesn't she learn?


She obviously doesn't enjoy it or feels intimidated by it. Find out how she can do it so that she enjoys it and you'll both be happy. 

Maybe the kids get more variety because they are happy with what they get either way. Maybe you get the same stuff two wees running because she thinks she's found a way to make you happy.

I like the cooking course suggestion and cooking together on the weekends--but make it fun and not "Here's what you need to do to get it right for once!" Another thing you can do is to buy a recipe book or DVD and go through it, marking a recipe that you'd like for the coming week. Show it to her and ask if there is anything that she needs help with (i.e., she may have questions). Build from there.

P.S. I like Jamie Oliver's series of books for people who may not be super-experienced chefs. Healthy recipes that taste good and aren't obscure.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Find out how she can do it so that she enjoys it and you'll both be happy. *

She's not going to enjoy it. It's a job.... you don't have to like your job. And sometimes you don't have to do it well, altho if no one has died from her cooking she must at least be adequate. 

I don 't enjoy cooking...and it's always been my job. I don't gripe about it, cuz it's my job. Period. No one has died, and I haven't gotten better over the years. I won't take a cooking class... cuz I don't want to, it's not something that interests me. I make things that I don't like...for example potato salad. I hate potato salad, but I know what goes in it... I make it...hope the family likes it.

Crock pot cooking rocks because it makes meals for days! I pick one thing...like chili and make enough for a week. Day 1 = chili! Day 2= chili mac! Day 3 = chili cheese baked potatoes! Day 4 = chili burritos! Day 5 = he usually takes me out to eat by then cuz he is tired of chili!!!!!!! Win win!

We also have Sunday afternoon "open house" when our kids and grands come over. I search out recipes with less than 5 ingredients. If there are more than 5...I don't make it. If I have to shred something, nope. If I have to saute something...nope. 

I even post Sunday's menu on facebook ahead of time, and they look forward to it.... and they come!  Tomorrow's dinner is mac and cheese soup w/ cheesy garlic bread sticks (and NO, I'm not making them...they were on sale today!) 

No one is starving here. 

And fighting about her lousy cooking is like her being pissy if you can't fix the tv or not know how to build an addition onto the house. Stupid reason to fight.

*Edited to add: I've thought about this some more. My ex was pissy about my cooking. Seems to me he wanted complicated stuff that I really wasn't interested in making. I did try for awhile... it was my job, right? When he wasn't home at dinner time.... then he didn't get a vote anyway. If he wanted something other than plain ol' easy dinners...then it was on him to make it. His likes were always expensive and not kid friendly. Apparently he resented this, when he walked out, that was on his list of complaints. (Altho, by then... I didn't care about his list!)


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

When we first got married, I was sure that my husband would starve from not eating my cooking. He hated everything that I made: casseroles (could not stand different food items touching), most vegetables, pot pies, stews, quiches, and almost all seafood.

I solved the problem by getting him involved in food purchase and prep. Every week he goes over what meals we will have, and he helps me in the kitchen. That way he can taste dishes as we cook them, and he has a say in what we eat for dinner.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> *Find out how she can do it so that she enjoys it and you'll both be happy. *
> 
> She's not going to enjoy it. It's a job.... you don't have to like your job.


Perhaps, but it's better when someone does find something to like about what they do. I disagree with the idea that you should resign yourself to an unpleasant job. Find an element of pleasure in it or find something different. Of course, sometimes there are unpleasant tasks that have to be done, but over the long term most are changeable.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

some people just dont understand food. my mom and my mother in law could not make a decent dish to save their life.

and neither care. my mom dosent put smells and taste together, and dosent understand how and why.

i know moms and wifes are not in the same boat...but i can understand living with someone who half starves you with bland food, just not caring attitude, and then gets mad when you refuse to eat it..or eat somewhere else.[not that you said you eat elsewhere]

in my experience, you cant change anybodys mind about something they just dont understand. maybe your wife had a really really bad food experience, and she cant let it go.

my mom thinks garlic is strong not sweet, onions are slowly killing her also never sweet, and all mustard tastes like frenches mustard.

nothing can change her mind.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well ya... unless she sucks at cooking.....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't know - I read this and think that maybe it's more than about cooking.

It seems like it's more about appreciation. 

Hoggie, you work some really long hours, and I'm sure that you would likely like your wife to show that she cares about the sacrifice you make and that she cares about you by seeing that you have something nice to eat when you come home. If that's true, have you ever articulated that to her?

And Mrs. Hoggie - she likely wants appreciation too. Maybe she doesn't really like the hours that you work, since she has to manage all mealtimes and kids on her own, and she may have to cook two meals - one for the kids earlier, one for you later.

So....what to do?

Well, have you discussed this with her? What are her complaints about it?

Can some be resolved by doing something simple - like employing the use of a slow cooker (my personal favorite cooking item) so that both kids and you have a decent meal and still only a single meal cooked - and you don't need to do anything more than throw a few things in a pot and turn it on?

Is there any way to restructure your work time? How much time do you get to spend with your wife and kids?

Do you praise her or show appreciation when she does put in an effort to cook? You do get more when you use honey rather than vinegar. 

Best wishes.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I was raised the old fashioned way, so I HAD to know how to cook to catch a husband.

Now I am glad I was taught, even though the method was horribly sexist.

My husband gained weight after I moved in, from all the good food.

Now I am an even better cook because I look at new recipes and culinary magazines. 

There is a saying that anyone who can read can cook; if your wife can follow written instructions she can become better in the kitchen.

I love cooking for my hubby because it is one way I look after him.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> First off is this true? What kind of variety is she providing for them?
> 
> *Secondly while I love to cook I will admit it is a pain in the butt to cook for me, my husband AND the kids when everybody has different requirements*. See I'm a homemaker on a diet.
> 
> My answer is I cheat. I pay $5 a month for meal plans complete with directions, side dishes, and a shopping list from emealz.com. They are simple meals, none repeat, they are easy and tasty. I do this to keep my own husband happy. He likes variety and me I can and do eat pretty much the same thing everyday.



Wow, I remember growing up, you eat what is prepared. None of this multiple pots foolishness. If you don't eat what mom makes, then make your own or go to bed. Kids have it so good these days.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Tell her how much you miss your mothers cooking.

Worked for me.....


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## Hoggie (Feb 18, 2012)

Thanks guys for all the feed back which has been really helpful....

I think you have all echoed my sentiments and therefore you can see how frustrating it is find a solution.

Things I have taken from the feedback:

1. SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO COOK - just as much as I hate to do the DIY. But then I get a professional DIY in to do what I can't do. I would be more than happy to pay for a professional cook to come in daily but I know my wife would find that an insult!

2. I did talk to her about it and she can't believe how important food is to me. She say 'Are you sure that's all thats the matter' insinuating I'm having an affair. When I say... yes thats it she struggles to believe me! and FYI, i'm not having an affair other than eating alone at restaurants some evenings just to get some nice dinner!

3. I have now started to cook a bit more and am enjoying my food again. I must admit I resent having to do this as I feel she should be doing that for me. I do believe that one can always learn new skills and don't understand why she won't LEARN how to cook! I did ask her this and she thinks she can cook!

4.I have let it go for the moment because there was no point in pursuing this one.

Appreciate everyones feedback, once again.


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