# Can I do this?



## bdemantes (Jan 26, 2015)

I have been separated on and off from my wife since January. I have caused it. I used to look at porn, stole from family, sold my wedding ring for money for alcohol,a and told my wife I cheated on her (seriously that's how screwed up I am, I have been 100% faithful to my wife for the 15 years we have been together. Would never need to go elsewhere. I have lied to her numerous times and I have broken all trust which is completely understandable. 
I have been working on my life. Stopped the porn, don't drink anymore, don't steal, don't lie. 
My question is ..... has anybody out there screwed up as bad as me and won their wife back? Do you have any hints or tips? Like what do I say/react to her when she goes off on me or is mean to me. I try to stay calm and say thaats OK I love you , I'm sorry for what I've done to us. Anybody have any advice? I'm dying to survive here..... thanks


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

To truly recover from your past you need to focus on yourself. You need to forgive yourself and accept that you are where you are because of all the choices that you made. The place where you are includes the fact that you have damaged your relationship with your wife. How your wife may feel in the future should not concern you. What should concern you is YOU. Become the best person you can be. You may or may not win your wife back, but that shouldn't be a motivating factor for you.
Simply put become the best person you can be and know that if it is meant to be it will be.


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## bdemantes (Jan 26, 2015)

Yeah, I see that now. I just struggle with going back and forth. Like for instance last Friday, my wife invited me to go with her and our kids out for dinner and shopping. I immediately let my guard down and thought every thing was Ok. We were hugging and kissing, but I guess it was moving too fast because later that night we had a huge fight and I've been back in the basement ever since. I have to continuously realize that I was the one who caused this and every thing won't instantly go away. I have to work every day probably for the rest of my life to show this woman unconditional love no matter what she does, whether we are together or not. That is what is important. THEN I will be happy with myself and know things will work out in the end. Any other thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

For starters, I have a hard time believing that you've truly changed. I find that the people who have many of the problems you have and are able to recover from most of them, aren't typically the same people who go out of their way to try to convince others that they have changed. I get the feeling that you sincerely WANT to change, and feel that you're willing to commit to change and are strong enough to do so, but you haven't yet taken the right steps towards making that change a long term deal, and for the moment are more concerned with winning your wife back by convincing her that you'll be different. Just my two cents.

Honestly, all you can do is be humble, and swallow any ounce of pride you have left. Anything she gets upset about, just listen carefully and take it. Don't fight back (even if one small piece of what she says is wrong, just let her continue, don't fight the pieces lest you want to lose the war), don't push her to forgive you or give you another chance or be intimate. It sounds like your wife wanted your kids to enjoy a pleasant day out with their mom and dad together, and you interpreted that as meaning everything would be alright and you "let your guard down." Here's the deal, your "guard" now is remembering that you've been a terrible husband and owe it to her to be better going forward. You don't "let that" down, which basically would mean allowing yourself to feel comfortable again and fall into your old habits.

That's what I meant at the beginning when I said that I don't think you're ready. I think you want to convince her that you're ready, but if you somehow accomplish that, you'll slip right back into old habits and blow it again. It sounds like you don't want that to happen, so I would honestly just focus on yourself and getting therapy. Don't ask her for ANYTHING. Don't ask for forgiveness, don't ask to see her, don't buy her any fancy gifts or write her notes, nothing. Be courteous to her and all that, if she asks you for help or to do something with her and the kids, go ahead and do so, but no pressure. Focus on your recovery.

Also, as it relates to the porn, get an accountability partner and install some accountability software on all of your devices, and ditch your smartphone. Go buy a cheap call/text phone only without internet access. Without these steps, you'll never actually escape the porn habit, I promise you.


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## bdemantes (Jan 26, 2015)

Thank you. I believe you are correct. I got stressed out again yesterday because of certain reactions that she responds to me with. I am not consistent with my actions and put the blame on her. The blame is on me. I know that , I just don't react that way every time. Until I do that nothing will change. You are also correct when saying I am concerned with getting her back. She has mentioned that to me , that I only think about the right now and not the future. I believe if I truly do change I won't have to tell her , she will notice and things will get better. I f she does not want me any more than there is nothing I can do about it. That is her feelings and I can't control them. I can only control mine. I think my mind is on the right track I just hope my actions can follow. As for the porn, i have no urge. I havent since january and i dont even think about it. I never have had a smart phone, still have an old flip phone. I never was interested in smart phones. Our deskop computer is pasword protected. Any other thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!


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