# "Friends" with the other girl



## tightlaced (Mar 2, 2012)

The story is really long and complicated, so I'll give you the short version.

About a year ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. He had an emotional and eventually sexual romantic relationship with another girl, nine years younger than he is, two years younger than I am. He had love notes, drawings, and photographs given to him by her. He kept them and cherished them. After a period of turmoil, we decided to stay together, and he swore up and down that he cared nothing for this girl and never thought about her. The one condition gave was that he must remove those mementos from our apartment. This is and always has been our home, and objects of affection from other girls do not belong here. He promised he would remove them.

Now, a year later, I have discovered those very things he promised he would remove from our home, still here. In our home. I am heartbroken. Because it really meant a lot to me.

I told him if he wants to see her, he should see her. I shouldn't stand in his way. So he did. He talked to her a few times. He reported back to me that he no longer feels anything for her. He wishes her the best, but he has no wish to be a part of her life. Well, okay, I thought. Great. I'm glad I have nothing to worry about. Obviously he's not interested in her.

So can you please tell me why they are now "friends" on Facebook? Isn't it enough that they already have and obviously still use each others' phone numbers?

You know who he isn't friends with on Facebook? Me, his girlfriend. We've been living together for almost three years. 

On the one hand, I am terrified that he is lying to me again. And that actually they are resuming their affair. Why else would he want to be Facebook friends with someone he claims is "like a corpse" to him? If she does indeed mean nothing to him, then he never should have added her, or accepted her request. But then again, it's just a website. And maybe it doesn't mean anything. But if it IS just a website, and it doesn't mean anything, why has he repeatedly refused my friend requests? 

Does she even know that we are still together?

I don't want to demand that he cut her out of his life completely. It doesn't seem fair, especially if actually cares about her still. And if I make that demand, doesn't it almost force him to do it behind my back?

But I don't think I can bear it. I don't think I can go on like this, with her still in the picture, even if it's just stupid Facebook. They shouldn't even have each others' phone numbers. And if she really is "like a corpse" to him, shouldn't he be telling her to leave him alone?

I'm so hurt. And so confused. What I want is the truth. But I'm not sure I'm ever going to get it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found your way.

This does not look good. He has lied to you several times that you know of. 

You do need to know where you stand with your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried to friend him on facebook? 

Does she have a boyfriend?

Why not tell him that either he stops all contact with her, show you as his gf on facebook. Or you will leave him?

He would need to give you the passwords for all of his online accounts, his cell, etc.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He cheated on you with her and you feel badly telling him to cut her off????
Tell hi to burn the crap and all contact with her or you are out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

If you aren't married, run for the hills. /your bf is hopeless. Why do you want to stay in the relationship?


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## tightlaced (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes, I have repeatedly tried to friend him on Facebook. He refuses. At first he said something like it was because Facebook is stupid and meaningless, and implied that being together on Facebook would be somehow trivializing our relationship. Then he said it was because he thought we had a healthier relationship without being together on Facebook. Then he said that he was thinking about deleting his Facebook altogether, so it would be stupid to add me now. I suspect that really, he doesn't want me to see his interactions with other people on Facebook, and he doesn't want anyone to know we are together.

He will absolutely never give me access to his facebook, cell phone, email, computer, etc. I know this is in part because he doesn't want me to discover things like pictures of ex-girlfriends, etc., but now I also suspect that it's because he is keeping really bad things secret. I discovered concrete evidence of the affair by looking at his cell phone without permission. I'm beginning to feel like the only way I'll ever get the truth is by snooping. But it feels incredibly wrong to do it, because privacy is like a basic human right. If he won't willingly allow me to see these things, and it is wrong to look at them without permission, I really either have to live with my suspicions or learn to trust him.

I do feel badly about demanding that he cut her out of his life. Because if talking to her, seeing her, whatever, if it makes him happy, he should do it, he should be happy. I fear that if I make this demand, and he complies, he will resent me for it. He will start to hate me for forcing him to give her up. But he won't break up with me, either, because in some way he still wants me.

As for ultimatums, I think I'm getting to that point. I feel I need to know my worth. But I'm not going to lie. I'm terrified. I'm twenty two and a long way from home. I don't have a network of support where I live. I don't have friends or family close by to help me. If I give up this relationship, I will most likely have to move hundreds of miles away from him, back to my hometown. And I'm afraid that giving up on it will be the biggest mistake of my life.


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## tightlaced (Mar 2, 2012)

The other girl DID have a boyfriend. In fact, at the time of the affair, it turned out that she had like, six boyfriends, and she had told each of them that they were the only one. She was eventually institutionalized. One of them stayed with her, and my boyfriend decided he wanted to be with me. Apparently he demanded that she never speak to my boyfriend, or any of the other guys, again. I know she broke this, to wish my boyfriend a happy birthday, happy holidays, etc. My boyfriend says this was the extent of their contact over the past year, but now her boyfriend has recently broken up with her, and I suspect she started contacting my boyfriend more frequently after that. But I don't know for sure.

The time of the affair was very turbulent. Because of the state of our life together then, I can forgive him for cheating on me. I understand why it happened. I can forgive a mistake. But I'm not sure I can continue on like this, with her still a part of his life. Them being facebook friends, it feels like he is testing me. Like he's deliberately trying to provoke me, so he can then accuse me of stalking him on the internet. I can see that they've become friends, but otherwise their profiles are private.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

tightlaced said:


> As for ultimatums, I think I'm getting to that point. I feel I need to know my worth. But I'm not going to lie. I'm terrified. I'm twenty two and a long way from home. I don't have a network of support where I live. I don't have friends or family close by to help me. If I give up this relationship, I will most likely have to move hundreds of miles away from him, back to my hometown. And I'm afraid that giving up on it will be the biggest mistake of my life.


If you get married to him, and start a family, you are not solving your problems. If you think it's hard to move home now, wait until you have a mortgage, babies, etc.

On the boards right now is a woman who is 30. She moved from another country to Australia and so she is married and very far from home and family. She has a toddler and a new baby. When she was pregnant with that baby, her husband started "dating" a 17 year old girl. Just before she turned 18, he openly left his wife for this chickiepoo. Now the woman has a toddler and a baby and is stuck in Australia watching her husband prance around on facebook and twitter with his GF.

This could be you. The fact that you are without a support network is even MORE of a reason to get the heck away from this man. Please trust that at 22 you will find a man who loves you and never gives you a reason to doubt that love.

Maybe moving back will involve you swallowing some pride and enduring some hardships. Trust me that you won't even remember most of that in a year.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Tightlaced, your boyfriend is not a keeper. He will cheat on you again with this girl or someone else. The fact that he won't accept your friend requests on Facebook is very telling. Run like Forest Gump away from this loser.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

> I can forgive him for cheating on me. I understand why it happened. I can forgive a mistake.


First of all.... cheating isn't a mistake. It is a conscious decision. He CHOSE to cheat on you. He CHOSE to have a sexual relationship with this girl. It wasn't a "mistake". It was a *DECISION*!



> I do feel badly about demanding that he cut her out of his life. Because if talking to her, seeing her, whatever, if it makes him happy, he should do it, he should be happy. I fear that if I make this demand, and he complies, he will resent me for it. He will start to hate me for forcing him to give her up. But he won't break up with me, either, because in some way he still wants me.


If you are in a committed relationship with him, it should be only the two of you. No other woman, no other man belongs in your relationship...ESPECIALLY not someone he screwed around with! YOU should be the one making him happy, NOT some other girl!



> Facebook is stupid and meaningless, and implied that being together on Facebook would be somehow trivializing our relationship. Then he said it was because he thought we had a healthier relationship without being together on Facebook. Then he said that he was thinking about deleting his Facebook altogether, so it would be stupid to add me now. I suspect that really, he doesn't want me to see his interactions with other people on Facebook, and he doesn't want anyone to know we are together.


And last, but not least... Facebook. While Facebook is a "meaningless website", being "in a relationship" on there does not trivialize your relationship. If that were the case, then my husband and I wouldn't list that we are *MARRIED* to each other. He doesn't want you to see what he is doing. He doesn't want people, or more specifically the other girlfriend (because, really, that's what this other girl is) to know you are together. Plain and simple. Get out. Go back to your family. Or, if you don't mind the humiliation, stay with him. Ultimately, the choice is yours.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Your conditions should have included no contact ever again.

Go back and read your own posts about the multiple ways your boyfriend is disrespecting you!

You need to lose this guy and find someone with some integrity. He is not the guy you want in your life.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he's refusing to 'friend' you because he knows you'll be able to see what he's up to

drop him. like yesterday.


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## tightlaced (Mar 2, 2012)

Over the weekend I sent another friend request to him. I figured if this girl he claimed he had no more feelings for was good enough for his facebook, then so was I.

I let it sit for a day or two.

Yesterday I saw him looking at her facebook on his phone and texting her. 

Today I confronted him, via text message because I was at work, asking why she got the privilege of being a facebook friend and I didn't. I didn't expect the discussion to go much further than him admitting he should be friends with me, too, if he was going to be friends with her. But that is unfortunately not the way it happened. He was shocked that I knew they were friends on facebook. He accused me of being creepy by "stalking" him and her on the internet. I said that he had lied to me about his feelings for this girl, repeatedly, and that was much, much worse than my "creepiness."

After a lot of back and forth and lying on his part, he finally confessed that he does not love me anymore, and he loves her. And that he has loved her for the entire year we've been together after reconciling after the first time he was involved with this girl. He claims they had no contact throughout the year apart from happy birthday and happy new year texts, and that it was only recently that they started communicating.

I am truly heartbroken. Like, ripping my hair out by the root and screaming heartbroken. The pain is unbearable. I want nothing more than for him to hold me and cuddle me and tell me it was all a big misunderstanding and explain that really he is in love with me, and that everything is going to be okay. Everything hurts. Packing my things hurts. Looking at the gifts he has given me over the years hurts. Thinking about the trips we had planned hurts. Laying down in our bed hurts. Petting our cats hurts. I feel like I want to go home, but I already am home. It's jut not home anymore. I don't have a home. I don't have him anymore, the one person who could comfort me, make me feel safe and loved. He does not love me anymore. I want so badly for him to love me.

I know I can't stay here. I know I have to leave him. But it is the hardest I've ever done, because as much as he has hurt me, I am still in love with him.

I wish it were all a bad dream. I don't know if I can recover from this.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Tightlaced, I'm so sorry.


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## tightlaced (Mar 2, 2012)

I texted the other girl, as well, since I know that they have been communicating frequently in the past few weeks, and she has been in our apartment, and he has been to see her on other occasions too. Perhaps not the wisest move, but she is nineteen, and I thought this would be a lesson to her. I said:

"You should know that every interaction you have with my boyfriend causes me intense emotional pain. You should know that your relationship with him has not just ruined the bond I shared with him, but also my entire life. Because of your relationship with my boyfriend, I must abandon the man I love, my cats, my job, my home, and every dream I had of my future. Your relationship with him has robbed me of everything I hold dear."

She did not reply. She probably tattled on me to my boyfriend, and now he will hate me for menacing her. He said today he feels very protective of her, so he's probably furious that I've contacted her.

Or perhaps I had the wrong number.

But I really do think she should know.

And of course, my boyfriend has not gone without the wrath of my pain, either.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You may not appreciate it now, but be very happy that he'll be an ex-boyfriend instead of an ex-husband.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I know it hurts, it is unbearable at times but hang in there. Im going through the same thing myself with my wife of 10 years without any problems until now. You have to do whats right for your own sanity.


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