# I am my husband’s Plan B…



## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

…his Plan A is his ex-wife. We have been together for 11 years, but as soon as his ex-wife was “available” again he was ready do a swap and go back to her. I am at my breaking point here and I don’t know what to do. My husband denies wanting to be with her, yet I don’t believe him. I should have known better, he has said before that he regretted ending their marriage and felt like he gave up too easily. 

Ex-wife’s new husband passed away April 2017. Young guy, unexpected. My husband started “helping” her because he “needed” to for their teenage children’s sake. In the fall it turned into him seeing her daily, calling her every other day, bending over backwards for her, damn near stalking her. My husband kissed her in January, something he denied for months. It was one quick kiss, and nothing more. I had to hear it from his EX, rather than him. He denied it for MONTHS, and told me that his ex tried to come onto him, he rejected her and she got mad so she told me lies. He didn’t tell me the truth until I saw texts between him and his ex talking about the kiss. 

He has lied about so much that I don’t know what to believe anymore. He has sworn that he’d go NC with her as their kids are teens and it’s unnecessary. Yet he hasn’t. Months ago his ex let me know that he’d been calling her from work, coming over often. Every day that he was late due to x, y, z, he was stopping at her house. She told him to stop, according to her. 

The issue is, the behaviour hasn’t stopped… The ex has stopped telling me that I need to watch him, but he is still acting strange. He guards his phone, when I check it there is nothing there. He doesn’t ever mention her anymore. 

Last month he stayed at a friends house overnight because he had been drinking and didn’t want to call a cab. His friend confirmed that, but I don’t trust it. I have straight up asked my husband if he is sleeping with her, he said no. 

He has been staying late at work frequently, due to a project. 

He has been doing volunteer work, something I have never known him to do but it gets him out of the house more. 

One of his jackets was left at his ex’s house, his son brought it back. My husband claims that one of his boys wore it over, they don’t think so. 

My husband has a high sex drive, but he hasn’t been interested in 5 weeks. He says it’s age related (early-40’s). 

He stopped wearing cologne pretty recently. He said it’s because his work place went scent-free and said he had to stop, his ex has asthma/allergies/whatever and can’t be around any scented products. 

He has started drinking more, he says it’s nothing. 

The day of his ex’s husbands death anniversary my hubby was extremely grumpy and pissed off at the world. He got into a car accident from being stupid. He said it was unrelated, I think everything has to add up somehow. I just don’t know how. 

After it was recommended to me I put a voice recorder in his car, found nothing at all. 

The obvious answer to an outsider is to leave him. It’s not that simple. We have a special needs daughter who requires round the clock care that I cannot do by myself. I need our lives to stay the same, for our daughters sake. 

If he isn’t cheating, I know he is still communicating with his ex. If she’d have him, he’d have her. Months ago she told me she had no interest in him, or anyone for that matter. We haven’t talked since March. It makes me wonder if her feelings changed. She said she was going to take herself out of it as she didn’t want to deal with our marital problems. 

Either way, I’m his Plan B. It feels like utter ****. Do I just put up with it and deal with it for our daughters sake? I need his help in caring for her. Financially we need to be together so we can care for her. She needs the consistency of both of us and doesn't handle changes. He knows that as well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let's rephrase this:

Do i allow my daughter to see me put up with being second class..... this way she'll do the same thing when she grows up thinking it's normal?

Your daughter will learn from you. Is this what you want her to see?

Are you sure this is really about your daughter? Are you sure she isn't an excuse because you aren't ready to go but are afraid of how it will look if you own it?

Think carefully.... people do this all the time.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

emmeline said:


> Either way, I’m his Plan B. It feels like utter ****. Do I just put up with it and deal with it for our daughters sake? I need his help in caring for her. Financially we need to be together so we can care for her. She needs the consistency of both of us and doesn't handle changes. He knows that as well.


It's pretty common to use your kids as an excuse to stay with a cheater. It seems a lot of BS's do.

If you CHOOSE to be married to a cheater who sees you as the consolation prize he's stuck with because the one he REALLY wants doesn't want *his* pathetic ass, then OWN it and stop blaming it on your daughter for why you 'have' to stay. So many BS's uses their kids as their excuse for why they 'have' to stay because it's too humiliating to admit they're willing to swallow their pride, lower their expectations, and eat a **** sandwich for life because the truth is, they WANT to stay with their cheaters.

He's done nothing but disrespect you for FAR TOO LONG, lie to you, deceive you, cheat on you, and there you are, still waiting and hoping for a miracle. I must say I'm very impressed at his sudden philanthropic need to do 'charity' work for the masses. Is his new charity centered around giving to his ex-wife? This guy is SUCH a damned phony.

I'm sure he's been telling his OW (a/k/a his ex-wife turned OW) that he'd leave you in a heartbeat if it weren't for your special needs daughter. I'd bet good money on that.

You really need to take your head out of the sand and decide what you're going to do. If you're willing to be looked at as nothing more than the anchor around his neck that is keeping him from his one 'true love,' then have at it.

Personally, I think you should *respect *yourself more.

And you can start by seeing your lawyer.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

She needs the consistency of both of us and doesn't handle changes. He knows that as well.[/QUOTE]

He does not care about what your or your daughter need. Repeat this to yourself when you feel like you need to stay with him. He isn't who you married and you are not his priority. I am so sorry you are here as infidelity is life changing. It is time for you to make a decision. He sounds like a very disrespectful POS and nowhere near a good husband. Treating you as he has been and blatantly lying over and over to you. This is what your life will be like if you stay as you know as you have been living it and his ex may change her mind and he will leave anyway. Your choice and yes it will be hard to divorce him if that is what you decide to do. It wasn't in your life plan to be living like this however you can change it and no longer be Plan B.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You don't want a divorce. Apparently he doesn't either. Plenty of people stay in unhappy marriages for a number of reasons. Just don't cheat because over time that might be tempting.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You still seem unsure if he is cheating and you seem to need that. Why don't you hire a PI to watch him for a week or two -- you will get your answer.

Now, as to WHAT you do with this, you already seem to not want a divorce. Here's the thing, he may just be stringing you along until he can convice his exW to get back together. If they do that, and he divorces YOU , what would you do then? 
You need to start looking in to what it would be if you had to be a single mom to protect yourself and your child -- that may help you determine if you want to stay with him. If you D, he will still have to continue to pay to help support your child. There are other folks that deal with this and I'm sure there are ways to help you with your special needs child (I just am ignorant of all of the groups, departments, and agencies that can help).

He really needs to go NC with his exW and make YOU and your family his priority. HIS responsibility for her ended when their marriage ended.

Very sorry you are dealing with this....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Don't play the ''pick me pick me'' game. _You_ need to pick you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@emmeline Is he cheating on you?

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't.

But even if he isn't, he is being a rubbishy husband to you.

I think marital counselling might be of benefit.


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