# Two type A personalities don't mix?



## s-eastlansing

Some advice - i just spoke with my brother, who said I should set up a time with my wife to speak with her alone and set guidelines.

After 10 years of marriage, the last month has been extremely rocky. My wife doesn't have any friends (she worked in a merchandising job out of her car for years), and we have two kids. She was laid off earlier this year and because of money agreed to stay at home with the kids over the summer. But, kids are a handful and she hasn't met anyone. Several times she's said to me when I pick up the kids at neighbors houses "oh, you think I can't do that?" or "I haven't spoken with an adult all day. Can't you think I can pick up the kids without you?". 

The last month, she painted the inside of the house, did some repair work (on drywall damage I caused a few years back when I was trying to help, I'm not handy I learned). It took her a few weeks while watching the kids. While she was working on this, I took the kids out to a garage sale, bought my oldest a hat - it had head lice. She screamed at me when we learned of it and she refused to let me clean anything; she cleaned the whole house. Of course, this head lice event happened 2 days before we left for Disney World. While at Disney, she stated maybe we'd want to go on a cruise and I said (inserting foot into mouth) "maybe we can schedule it around one of my football games", then she had a dinner she didn't like and I didn't give my better one to her (although I offered to share).

I love her and I've been trying - I try to do my part of the work around the house (dishes, vacuum, clean car, mow lawn, take kids to school, mop floors, etc), but also work full time and am a PhD student. I save all my PhD work after kids go to bed so I can help and spend time with kids and family when I come home. 

But, she is very unhappy, and I can't seem to do anything right to please her. When she tells me to do something, I try to do it, but not her way and then we both get defensive. Then, its "stay out of my way, let me do it."

Now it is football season and this is my #1 hobby - it is something I can do 5-6 days a year, but she resents it because it takes a whole afternoon. 

While I think she needs to go out and meet people (she is social, and not meeting anyone has to be frustrating), I also think there isn't enough of her and I. The two of us. I can't meet her expectations, but I do try. But, when I try to talk to her, she either tells me that "I don't care" or that "all you care about is football and beer." I don't watch football anywhere near as much as I used to (maybe 3-4 hours on a Saturday every week if I'm lucky, plus home games), and I help out as much as she'll let me. If she tells me to do something, I do it... but then comes the yelling at lunch today "why didn't you take care of that, it's been in front of your face all summer." And, I think she was talking about the refrigerator though she never said it but was cleaning it.

Need I say we haven't had sex for 5 months.

I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself for not doing better by her. If she is miserable, why be with me? I think we need to set up a time to talk without the kids and to lay out expectations about each other. Will this help or just be a shouting match?


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## preso

2 type A personalities can work.. and often do...
it is far better than 2 type B personalisties where nothing gets done.

What matters is communication, similar goals in life and maturity...

She may have no problem with your football and beer if you do some things with her that are agreed upon, or a chore or some aspect of whatever it is that needs to be done around the house.


ps. don't ever buy used hats, they may contain lice.

As far as her meeting people, it would be nice if you could meet people as a couple.............. there is always church and other places in the community to meet other couples.


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## s-eastlansing

Thanks, preso. communication is our biggest obstacle and we yell at each other or speak past each other. She holds a long grudge and that's always tough to overcome because being in the doghouse for days isn't fun. 

I agree re: meeting people as a couple, though we're not church-going folk. That is a good point and we'll have to find a way to carve out some time to do that.


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## preso

It should help

be sure to tell her you want to help her meet nice people and be more active
so on sundays you can watch football and drink beer.

and ask her to not hold resentment... ( communication)

I dont care for church either but there are all kinds of groups in all communities... try meetup.com or one of them.

Topics can be from anything to anything... moms night out to certain breeds of dogs to hobbies...
encourage her to go to some if she can't find something on her own.

You may even go with her to a class at the home depot
on how to repair sheetrock.. lol


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## s-eastlansing

Thanks, it's actually college football on Saturdays. 

What I'll do when I get home is to pull her aside for 5 minutes, to make an appointment to talk to her and find a babysitter sometime this week so we can work this out. 

She has had some thyroid issues and she also hinted to me she feels she is entering menopause early - I am guessing this may contribute to her mood swings... but I brought that up once and again she really let me have it, saying it was being with the "kids" all day.


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## s-eastlansing

I'll let you know how it goes... I'm anxious because I'm scared she will rip my head off again when I get home... and I'll just try to "take it" until we can talk about things more deeply.


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## swedish

You may want to start with just forcing some alone time for her in the schedule....in other words, talking about marriage issues in general may get you both on the defense and pointing fingers....starting with, 'I have my football and time away from the kids...I want to do a better job of making sure you have that too'...and if she snaps at you, etc. let it roll off...she's been annoyed for a while....just be persistent that your goal is to give her some peace...relax time, etc....just make sure whatever you agree to you stick with....don't just throw her a bone.


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