# Private lap dance at strip club



## br625

My husband had a client in from out of town and after a night out in the city they ended up at a strip club. My husband has gone a dozen times in the past 30 yrs. i have know him (sometimes with me) and has never lied to me about it. It's usually for a bachelor party or a celebration of some sort. It is not a problem at all, and a rarity. We've been married almost 24 years. This one trip to the strip club ended up costing him and his client a total of $1,800 between them. He doesn't remember what happened, although he swears it was just a drunk lap dance/tease. He has NEVER lied to me before and I think he would know if something more happened (i.e. hj, etc). We did dispute the charges and received copies off all the receipts, none of which were signed by him. I don't question the amount of money because I do know these clubs overcharge and often rip you off from what I've read. Anyway, all i do know is that he got to the strip club by 9PM and took the 12:15 train home. He was there at most for 3 hours and thinks he may have fallen asleep. He doesn't even remember how he got to the train. He remembers bits and pieces from the night....someone asking him if he wanted more, someone handing him a drink, and someone handing him his wallet. He said the actually lap dance seemed like 2 minutes long. He told me the morning after that he went to a strip club but didn't go into details because I immediately freaked out and left the house. Later that day I pulled out the clothes he wore and they were covered with bronzer....his crotch, his lap, and his dress shirt too (must have been untucked as that was covered with bronzer too). I also noticed his bath towel was orange from the night before....either his hands were covered with makeup from touching her, or his face, from her boobs in his face. My husband is an amazing man and loves me dearly. He is still very attracted to me and would have sex with me every day if he could. He feels terrible about what happened and has been apologizing ever since. Whenever we're out together (we have a great social life) I end up bringing it up again hoping for more answers/details. Since he really can't tell me what happened I just keep imagining her all over him and his hands all over her (hence the orange on the towel). He swears to me you can't touch and does not remember touching her. He said maybe the makeup rubbed off on his hands from his jeans or even from tucking in his shirt. It has been 5 months and I still am not over this. His heart is aching from how much he has hurt me, but I still can't get these 3 hours out of my head. I think if I knew what happened I'd feel better, it's the unknown that worries me. Has anyone ever been through this and if so how did you get beyond this? Oh, and by the way, as much as I can't get over this, this event has actually been a blessing to our sex life. I find myself being more sexual and he's loving it, however I constantly have this pit in my stomach and void in my heart for the hurt of him doing this to me. I guess it's more of a trust thing than anything else.


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## Machiavelli

they probably spiked his drink, then ripped him off. 60 minutes had a program on this occurring in Russian owned strip clubs around the country.


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## lamaga

yeah, he was either really drunk, or maybe drugged.

I understand that you are upset, but I think I'd be more upset about the $1800. This clearly was not of his own volition. I don't think adding more guilt onto the situation is helpful, to either of you.


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## carras

who signed the receipts? what happened when you disputed the charges?

I think you H got rolled at the club - happens a lot. 

if he's never given you a reason to doubt him before, why wouldn't you trust him now?


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## swedish

Has he spoken to the client since that night? I would imagine he might know some details from the night unless they were both drugged.


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## lamaga

Also, did you contest the credit card charges? Since it is clearly not his signature?


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## Toffer

5 months have already past on this so it may be difficult to contest the cc charges.

What about the client???


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## J.R.Jefferis

The issue here is not what actually happened to him and why he got charged so much. It has more to do with the fact that he put himself in a position for this to happen. And that is 100% his fault. Why did he need to go to a strip club? And when there, why did he need to drink? These are choices HE made that got himself into a situation that, ultimately, he doesn't even remember. That is what I would be more worried about. At some point these choices are going to lead to difficult situations. I mean one day he could find himself in jail and not know why. Does this seem normal to you? Of course not. The solution is for him to stay away from places that are notorious for getting you into sticky situations (i.e. strip clubs). An go easy on the alcohol so at least you are conscious of what is happening to you.

Sorry for my lack of sympathy for you and your husband, but if you play with fire, sooner or later you are going to get burnt.

JR


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## GPR

One question. You stated he has gone to strip clubs before. And you apparently did not have a problem then? And he's always been honest?

So while there was some odd and weird circumstances with this trip, isn't this like a "Boundary After the Fact".

He's gone before, and you never got mad or said he couldn't. So why should he get in trouble this time? 

And I definitely agree about the weird charges and blacking out. Happened to a (single) friend of mine, not for that much, but he whipped out a debit card at the club and the strippers started ordering Champagne and everything else. Basically feed him drinks and shots until he was toasted and couldn't remember, then ran up the card for the most the bank allows in a day. 

And as far as the bronzer, you can't touch them but they can touch you (i.e. touch your face / arms / chest / etc. and things like that) so I don't see anything weird about him having it on his skin.

So if you choose to believe him or not concerning what happened when there, that's up to you... but you need to think about punishing him for going in the first place. Because it doesn't sound like there was some type of rule about him going?


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## ScarletBegonias

My first thought was Your husband got drugged and taken advantage of.

I see NO reason for him to lie to you and NO reason for him to cheat if things are as you say they are in your marriage. 

It's too bad it's too late to get a blood test bc I would be willing to bet his drinks were drugged.


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## br625

Yes, he spoke to the client following this event and he doesn't remember much either. In fact, my husband gave me his client's phone number so I could text him and he was very willing to answer any questions I had. His client did say he got one lap dance that cost over $400, and there was one charge for $460. They were both very drunk or drugged. Both my husband and I decided not to fight the charges as we'd be fighting an uphill battle. They had a copy of his (2) credit cards that were used and his license, and they did a fairly decent job of forging his signature (although we can tell it's not his). They also made a fake imprint of his thumb on a VIP "rules sheet", again with his forged signature. If we fought this his name would be out there and it would prolong the stress and, quite honestly, the issue is not the money at all, as I know he got ripped off. I'm not upset about the strip club....he goes as a goof with his co-workers....both men and women....once every 2 years after their Christmas party, if that (that ended a few years ago). Sure this time I got a little angry and was going to bust his balls for a while, but then I'd get over it and tease him about it. It's the intimacy that kills me with this one. I try to put myself in his position and think about me being drunk and a naked guy rubbing all over me and I know I would just be "ewww gross" and think nothing of it. I just keep picturing him all smiles and in his glory and loving every minute of it. I have to keep in mind that if he was that drunk (or drugged) it's likely he was pretty out of it in the vip room. Even the thought of a woman (possibly my daughter's age!) touching his hair, and nibbling on his ear makes me sick, but I have no idea if this happened. My concern is that he does remember some fondling and he's not telling because he knows I'll freak out. I've been on other web sites where men claim that anything and everything happens in the vip room including all kinds of touching, but I don't know if it's fiction or not. I'm not so concerned about the drinking because my husband can handle his drinking and NEVER blacks out. The crazy thing is that the next morning he wasn't even hung over just extremely tired, so that makes me think he was drugged. I guess I would love to hear from another guy if these private lap dances are all that great, or if it's just a longer version of what you get out on the floor, and a lot more expensive. My husband is bashful and wouldn't be quick to grope a stripper, but do you think it's possible she would put his hands on her b**bs thinking she'd get a bigger tip or more dances? Also, if my husband did fall asleep in a chair at the club or in the vip room, would they just leave him there? The entire event is so sketchy, and that's what's hard to get over.


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## br625

By the way, the club I am referring to is a gentlemen's club in NYC, so that explains why they could get away with $1,800 in charges for vip room, bottle service, etc., whether legit or not. Again, he doesn't remember much other than someone handing him a drink.


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## lamaga

"I just keep picturing him all smiles and in his glory and loving every minute of it."

OK, BR, this? Stop this. It's pretty clear that he was way drunk or drugged, and there is just no percentage to you imagining it this way. You and your husband (and your bank account) went through a bad thing -- don't make it worse with your imagination.


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## GPR

Agree with the above. 

Honestly, if he was drugged (which it sounds like he was), they probably weren't doing much of anything in the VIP room other than running up his credit card.

Those woman are in it for one thing. The MONEY. The will do as little as possible to get the Maximum amount of money. If your hubby was drugged and basically out of it, I would bet my paycheck on the fact they spent more time laughing at him (again, while running up his credit card) than having him rub on their boobs. They won't get pleasure out of doing this to some drunk/drugged older man. If they were really in it because they wanted to get rubbed and it really turned them on. The last thing they would do is drug their clients.

And yes, if he was asleep, they would leave his ass there as long as he wasn't in the way or going to interfere with them getting the next target.


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## one_strange_otter

I started to post but realized I wouldn't be helping by telling you sordid strip club stories.

But if he honestly blacked out and wasn't heavily drinking before he got there then I'd believe he could have easily been slipped something in his drink.


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## br625

one_strange_otter: enlighten me.....please share your sordid strip club stories I don't think I can feel any worse! 

By the way, he was a little buzzed before he got to strip club (first mistake) He and his client went to a sketchy bar down the street from the club after dinner where they had a mandatory coat check. He said the place was really sketchy and they left after one beer, and the bartender was a real b**ch. He remembers her asking for license and credit card and made copies here too!!! It was some sort of mexican bar. Again, he remembers walking into the strip club, but nothing much after. I'm wondering if there's some connection between this sketchy bar and the strip club. Hmmm....

It's nice to have people to talk to about this, and I appreciate all of your responses, good or bad, so thank you!


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## KanDo

I don't know why you are being hard on your husband here. Sounds like he was a victim. I think it is likely he remembers nothing and even more likely nothing did happen. Let it go. I would reconsider the whole idea of strip clubs. I personally never saw the attraction of watching a mercenary stripper who isn't the least bit interested in her clients strut around. But some guys enjoy the fantasy.


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## confused55

You may never know the real truth of the matter.

I'll bet he knows at least half of what went on, but is trying to forget it himself.

I am in a similar situation, and cannot get over it.


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## br625

That is what is so painful..not knowing what really happened. And if he remembers bits and pieces he must remember the girl and the lap dance, or atleast some of it!!! I can't but help look at him differently and a bit of my spirit is broken knowing he was so close to a naked woman, stripper or not. How does the saying go..."The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know???".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer

br625 said:


> . How does the saying go..."The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know???".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But a wise woman also knows that "Ignorance is bliss"


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## br625

Toffer said:


> But a wise woman also knows that "Ignorance is bliss"


Touche!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister

I don't want to seem like a who ore but in my patronizing of the club days I know that you cannot possibly spend 1800 dollars in 3 hours. I dont even think you could do that getting dances the whole time.

Sounds like he got ripped off.


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## justwhy

Man Sues Hustler Club For Charging Him Nearly $30,000 One Crazy Night: Gothamist

your husband is lucky...


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## C123

BR - You are making a mountain out of a molehill. I promise you are. The fact that he's been so open with you about showing you the charges, giving you the coworkers phone number, etc shows you that you have nothing to worry about.

I'll tell you what happened, because it's happened to me. I've been to a strip club dozens of times. NEVER have I gotten anywhere close to getting any kind of sexual service there. The most I've ever gotten is a really good lap dance. In NYC, there is no way he was touching these women, but she was probably rubbing all over him. It's just business for them. There is nothing sexual or emotional about it. Typically, when the song ends, they spring up and wait for their tip! It's a joke.

One time, I got drugged at a strip club. I don't remember anything past a certain early point of the night. I came to while walking around a really bad part of town and had no idea how I had gotten there. It happens all of the time because once you're drugged, there are no inhibitions. You'll pay whatever they ask because you can't physically say no. But I'll tell you this: they don't drug you to have sex with you. In fact, a drugged patron is the easiest patron because they just sit there.

You need to get past this NOW. By your own account, your husband is a great guy. Don't keep harping on this because eventually, your husband might just figure you'll never get over it and just give up. You DON'T want that. Be thankful for what you have. NOTHING happened. I promise.


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## C123

And by the way...sinnister is wrong. You can easily spend $1800 in 3 hours. I've spent $1000 in one hour. In NYC or Vegas, the prices are outrageous.

Consider: Bottle service is $500 per bottle. A couple of lap dances and a VIP room and boom, you're at $1800. It's SOOO easy to spend money there...especially when drugged!


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## br625

C123: Thank you for your very thoughtful response; it made me feel a lot better and I do know I should have forgotten about this long ago. However, I don't think a naked stripper rubbing all over him is NOTHING and, based on his clothes covered in makeup, we know that happened. I could even see the outline of his erection on his jeans from her bronzer. Well that was too much information but I had to share. Nonetheless, thank you for your encouraging words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C123

Well, regarding the outline of his erection in his pants...we're still just men!

I'm sure he got a good lap dance, I'm just saying that is really no big deal. In fact, when I get lap dances, I'm excited to get home to my wife! If he was drugged, which I suspect he was, he did not have the ability to say no. It wasn't a conscious decision to do anything wrong or anything immoral. 

I would drop this like a hot potato. Don't lose a good husband over something that, in the big scheme of things, is not a big deal. He knows how you feel now and my guess is this won't ever happen again.

Live your lives together! Be happy! Keep screwing each other!


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## C123

And doesn't the fact that you could see the outline in his pants prove that's exactly where it was...In his pants!?!

Just where it should be!


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## SprucHub

C123 said:


> And doesn't the fact that you could see the outline in his pants prove that's exactly where it was...In his pants!?!
> 
> Just where it should be!


This is well said. I would assume that is where "it" stayed knowing nyc clubs. 

How did he get home from the train?


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## nice777guy

My biggest concern here - honestly - is that you guys aren't fighting the charges. I get it - it might be more in attorney's fees - but still...

The only other question that I don't see that anyone has asked - does your husband ever black out when drinking?

Unless he's a regular drunkard, I would give him the benefit of the doubt here.


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## br625

You guys (and girls?) are great! My spirits are lifting already. No, my husband doesn't blackout. As for the train....he walked home; we live nearby. 

As for fighting the charges, we decided it's just not worth the added stress and the attorney fees would be far more than $1,800. It was an expensive and painful lesson for my husband. I know he will never make this mistake again. It's one thing going to a strip club with a bunch of guys to look, play pool, etc., but it's quite another to be completely out of it, giving them 2 credit cards, and then not remembering what happened. This is not like my husband and I have forgiven him. I am just having a hard time forgetting. Thanks again for all your support


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## br625

Just happened to come across this video in my search of what a lap dance is really like. Can any of you strip club veterans confirm that this is a typical lap dance? I would imagine a private one is much more intimate with more touching involved. It's understandable why I'm not quick to get over this, right?


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## br625

forget to attach link...here it is:

Watch Lapdance part 3 Video | Break.com


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## bkaydezz

a strip club? ewwwwww.
those women are so gross. 
i dont know why anyone would even want to waste there money in a place like that. 
thats a bad place for married people to be.
NEVER lied...everyone lies.
1,800..lucky they didnt get more.

i'mn thinking maybe he is hapy with you because he does this occasionally, satisfying himself mentally, fantasy, and just lusting and its an ok thing. that is cheating. sorry.

i have no sympathy for him either!


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## Love Song

I watched the video and yes I think that it is likely to have happened. I also wonder if he is lying about telling you everything to get out of the consequences of you knowing. How is it he remembers everything that happened at the bar but only bits and pieces of what happened at the strip club?

Sorry, not buying it. 

I also don't think it's wise or helpful to ignore this. It's been 5 months and your still not over it. Do what you can to get answers so your mind can deal with what happened and you can move on.


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## C123

That's actually a really good lap dance that you would only get in a private room. You'd never get that at a table. Most are far less physical.

You've got to get past this one way or another. Literally thousands of married men go to strip clubs every day. As Chris Rock said, there is no sex in the champagne room. Trust me, there isn't.


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## diwali123

I went to a strip club with my h a few months ago and it was gross. I think you are making too much of this. Honestly for her part, this is how she makes a living. I got curious and read a few forums for strippers and the way they talk about getting money out of their customers, it's so obvious this is not sexual, they're just trying to pay the bills. They don't care what the guy looks like as long as he pays. Honestly they have less emotions and sex involved than would a doctor examining him. 
Yes a naked or near naked woman rubbed all over him. Depending on the guy yes there is a basic response to the attention but guys get erections from therapeutic massages and exams. It doesn't mean that he thought she was the sexiest woman ever or that he even thought she was that good looking. Seriously half the strippers where we went looked so skanky and were so skinny my husband was turned off. 
This stripper doesn't remember him, and he doesn't remember her. Honestly if you went to a strip club you would see how impersonal it is. 
Maybe go get yourself a therapeutic massage from a nice looking guy to get even. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

br, keep in mind that going to a strip club is something that boys fantasize about growing up, just like girls fantasize about their wedding.


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## diwali123

And neither is usually as great and both might lead to divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy

turnera said:


> br, keep in mind that going to a strip club is something that boys fantasize about growing up, just like girls fantasize about their wedding.


Lol!!! Sad but true!!!


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## mina

he was drunk he doesn't remember he knows he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been taken hostage and coerced and so do you. 

forget about it. it's over and done.


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## br625

I think I screwed up today. My H and I celebrated our 24th anniversary this week. I am little depressed because I feel our marriage is somehow tainted now because of the private lap dance(s) he got at the strip club. My H could tell something was wrong and kept asking me why I was so down. I finally sent him an email this morning expressing how I felt about our anniversary and how our marriage didn't feel sacred anymore. I told him I still cannot get over what he did and probably wouldn't get over it until I knew exactly what happened. The problem is, as I mentioned above, he blacked out and can't remember much after a certain point in the night. I told him not knowing what happened is more hurtful as I can't find closure and just keep imagining the worst. He says NOTHING happened....he'd remember if something happened. (I have to disagree that having a naked woman rubbing all over him and putting her boobs and vag in his face and her grinding all over his IS something!!!) Today I was begging him to tell me what happened and he said he swears he would tell me more if he could remember and that he has nothing to hide. I just can't believe he can't remember bits and pieces of the dance, the stripper(s), etc. Even if he said she was a little old, or chubby, or too skinny I'd probably feel better but he's not providing ANY details. I asked him a million questions like this and he said he told me EVERYTHING he knows. Sometimes I think he's just trying to protect me from the truth. I don't think he had sex, but if he said yes to vip dance in the first place how do i know he didn't say yes to a hj or bj, especially if he was drugged? I don't think I can feel worse than I already do and I'm probably imagining things a lot more erotic and sensual than they were, so I feel like he has nothing to lose by telling me. He said he remembers the bouncer asking him if he wanted to go to the vip room, he remember someone bringing him a drink, he remembers his wallet sitting on the arm of the couch, then missing, then someone handing it to him later. He remembers the bouncer coming in during the lap dance and asking him if he wanted to more (as in LD) and he said YES! He vaguely remembers signing one receipt (although they all looked forged -- we got copies to dispute charges). He remembers trying to figure out how to get to Grand Central station, but has no idea how he got there. Assuming I won't get any more details (and maybe he honestly doesn't remember) how do I get beyond this? Tonight he came home from work and we haven't spoken to each other all night. I don't think either of us deserve how we're treating each other, but I just can't let this go! I think if I went to this club, saw the girls and saw first hand what went on during a private lap dance I could probably get over it so quickly. My husband said he will never step foot in another strip club again, whether I'm with him or not. I'd go with girlfriends, but I don't think you're allowed in without a guy. If anyone has any suggestions how I can make light of this situation, or can tell me about this specific club please send me a PM and I will tell you what club. Thanks for listening!


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## turnera

Well, you'll get no different advice from me this time. YOU have a problem and YOU need to get help to figure out why you are so freaking insecure.

Did he screw up? Yes. Is hIe a typical man? Yes. Is he afraid of your anger just like any other husband? Yes. Is he going to do it again? Doesn't sound like it, based on the WORLD WAR II you have created over it BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITY.

But is that the kind of marriage you want? A man afraid of you?

Get a good therapist. Work on your childhood issues. Figure out why you can't deal with your husband MAYBE looking at another woman. Work on your self esteem. Learn to love your man, warts and all. KNOW that he loves you and wants you. And learn to be ok with that.


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## Juicer

When I was way younger and just started out, I took clients out like your husband described. $800 dinner for me and maybe 3 clients, then take them to a strip club that costed the company maybe $4000 a night. And I thought I was living the high life. 

However, I stopped I think after the 3rd time. 
Because I usually don't drink, but had only 1 drink that night. Couldn't even remember it, all that happened was I woke up in a taxi, my wallet missing, and thank god one of the clients paid the bill on the taxi. 
No idea what happened. No idea at all. None. It is a complete blank. Couldn't remember who I was with, what I ate for dinner, where I was, hell, the fact I managed to get home was a miracle. 

Your husband was probably taken for a ride just like I was. 
It happens a lot more than you think. 
So many of my male co-workers have been taken for rides by the club that the company told us to no longer take clients there. Too dangerous. Especially when the club took our clients for a ride. 

I understand you are angry with your husband, but understand, he is probably hurting to. Not to the extent you are, but he is desperatly trying to figure out what happened that night, but can't. And he knows you are hurting, and there is nothing he can do to comfort you.


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## southern wife

Juicer said:


> I understand you are angry with your husband, but understand, he is probably hurting to. Not to the extent you are, but he is desperatly trying to figure out what happened that night, but can't. And he knows you are hurting, and there is nothing he can do to comfort you.


:iagree: You've been married to him a LONG time and this is what it comes down to? 3 hours of a blacked out night that he cannot remember? I'm sure your husband is mortified over all of this, and that's how he gets treated?

I, too, understand your anger, but at some point, since you say you've forgiven him, you also need to forget this and move on. It's in the past and there's no changing it. Your husband can change it in the future, and wants to do that - by not going again. It sounds like he learned a hard lesson and wants to do right by you. 

I certainly see no reason to ruin your anniversary, much less another day moving forward. You need to tell your husband that you love him and find that connection with him again. 

Before this incident, your marriage was good?


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## MaritimeGuy

I'm not sure what to make of this.

On one hand I've never had a blackout. Even if I was so drunk the little voice in my head was being ignored it was still there and I always clearly remember everything that happened. 

On the other hand I've never been drugged. I'm assuming that's different. 

At this late date I don't imagine there is any way to confirm whether your husband was drugged or not. 

I think you have to look at the balance of his actions before and after this event. If there's other things that have occurred that are making you question the things he's done this could be a huge red flag. If it's a one time thing and you have no other indications of wrong doing I would guess he's being completely honest.


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## turnera

I've had lots of blackouts. lol


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## southern wife

turnera said:


> I've had lots of blackouts. lol


:iagree: I've had them before, too. Never drugged though!


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## turnera

turnera said:


> Well, you'll get no different advice from me this time. YOU have a problem and YOU need to get help to figure out why you are so freaking insecure.
> 
> Did he screw up? Yes. Is hIe a typical man? Yes. Is he afraid of your anger just like any other husband? Yes. Is he going to do it again? Doesn't sound like it, based on the WORLD WAR II you have created over it BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITY.
> 
> But is that the kind of marriage you want? A man afraid of you?
> 
> Get a good therapist. Work on your childhood issues. Figure out why you can't deal with your husband MAYBE looking at another woman. Work on your self esteem. Learn to love your man, warts and all. KNOW that he loves you and wants you. And learn to be ok with that.


 br, I want to apologize for being rude. No excuse. Well, actually, the big glass of wine I had last night probably had something to do with it - never mix posting with alcohol! lol)

Anyway, I didn't mean to criticize you, I was just frustrated that nothing had changed, you just buried your resentment and nothing got resolved. 

You can either find a way to come to grips with what happened and weigh it against the umpteen years of marriage, or you can walk away from a marriage for one stupid night. There is no third option.


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## Coffee Amore

br625 said:


> I think I screwed up today. My H and I celebrated our 24th anniversary this week. I am little depressed because I feel our marriage is somehow tainted now because of the private lap dance(s) he got at the strip club. My H could tell something was wrong and kept asking me why I was so down. I finally sent him an email this morning expressing how I felt about our anniversary and how our marriage didn't feel sacred anymore. I told him I still cannot get over what he did and probably wouldn't get over it until I knew exactly what happened. The problem is, as I mentioned above, he blacked out and can't remember much after a certain point in the night. I told him not knowing what happened is more hurtful as I can't find closure and just keep imagining the worst. He says NOTHING happened....he'd remember if something happened. (I have to disagree that having a naked woman rubbing all over him and putting her boobs and vag in his face and her grinding all over his IS something!!!) Today I was begging him to tell me what happened and he said he swears he would tell me more if he could remember and that he has nothing to hide. I just can't believe he can't remember bits and pieces of the dance, the stripper(s), etc. Even if he said she was a little old, or chubby, or too skinny I'd probably feel better but he's not providing ANY details. I asked him a million questions like this and he said he told me EVERYTHING he knows. Sometimes I think he's just trying to protect me from the truth. I don't think he had sex, but if he said yes to vip dance in the first place how do i know he didn't say yes to a hj or bj, especially if he was drugged? I don't think I can feel worse than I already do and I'm probably imagining things a lot more erotic and sensual than they were, so I feel like he has nothing to lose by telling me. He said he remembers the bouncer asking him if he wanted to go to the vip room, he remember someone bringing him a drink, he remembers his wallet sitting on the arm of the couch, then missing, then someone handing it to him later. He remembers the bouncer coming in during the lap dance and asking him if he wanted to more (as in LD) and he said YES! He vaguely remembers signing one receipt (although they all looked forged -- we got copies to dispute charges). He remembers trying to figure out how to get to Grand Central station, but has no idea how he got there. Assuming I won't get any more details (and maybe he honestly doesn't remember) how do I get beyond this? Tonight he came home from work and we haven't spoken to each other all night. I don't think either of us deserve how we're treating each other, but I just can't let this go! I think if I went to this club, saw the girls and saw first hand what went on during a private lap dance I could probably get over it so quickly. My husband said he will never step foot in another strip club again, whether I'm with him or not. I'd go with girlfriends, but I don't think you're allowed in without a guy. If anyone has any suggestions how I can make light of this situation, or can tell me about this specific club please send me a PM and I will tell you what club. Thanks for listening!


I've never had a blackout either.

I'm like you. I tend to think of things over and over. I'm very analytical. I analyze things to death sometimes. That's just how I'm wired. It would take me a long time to get over something like this. 

However, if your husband was otherwise a good husband to you and your marriage was a good one before the incident, I'd say you have to let this go and not let it ruin an otherwise good relationship. Good relationships are hard to come by. I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel, but I don't know what more you can get out of your husband at this point. Put in some precautions in place like no more strip clubs, no more lap dances or VIP rooms. Sounds like he's already self-policing himself on those areas but talk it out some more then drop any interrogation about this incident.


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## br625

Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful responses and advice! I think I have finally turned a corner. With you help I came to my senses and apologized to my husband for torturing him for so long. Yes, he made a bad decision by going to a strip club, going to vip room, and being careless with his credit cards, but he never once lied to me and has been trying to make it up to me ever since. We had a real heart-to-heart over the weekend and he told me exactly what he remembered....and that's pretty much nothing after he got to the club. He doesn't understand how he ended up blacking out, as he never does when he drinks, so we are both convinced he was drugged. That doesn't make it right, but it explains why he had a great lapse of judgement and can't remember a thing. I am married to a very good man and I am grateful you put this all in perspective for me. Thanks again for your very kind words of encouragement!


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## diwali123

Sensual? Yeah honestly I think if you went to a club you would see how impersonal it is. Google stripper forum and read it. There is absolutely nothing sensual about stripping except for what might be in your own mind. It's impersonal, body parts paid for with money. Strippers don't care what a man looks like and will sometimes go for the least attractive in a group of men to get the other men competing for her attention. 
You think they would be there if they didn't have bills to pay? All they see are dollar signs. It's a job not a hobby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

Damn... guess my wife has the guns on this one

Tell ur wife to do pole dancing, it's artistic, keeps her fit and keeps her husband horny (damn you hun)


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## Coffee Amore

RandomDude said:


> Damn... guess my wife has the guns on this one
> 
> Tell ur wife to do pole dancing, it's artistic, keeps her fit and keeps her husband horny (damn you hun)


The OP is a woman. She doesn't have a wife.


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## turnera

br625 said:


> Thanks to all of you for your very thoughtful responses and advice! I think I have finally turned a corner. With you help I came to my senses and apologized to my husband for torturing him for so long. Yes, he made a bad decision by going to a strip club, going to vip room, and being careless with his credit cards, but he never once lied to me and has been trying to make it up to me ever since. We had a real heart-to-heart over the weekend and he told me exactly what he remembered....and that's pretty much nothing after he got to the club. He doesn't understand how he ended up blacking out, as he never does when he drinks, so we are both convinced he was drugged. That doesn't make it right, but it explains why he had a great lapse of judgement and can't remember a thing. I am married to a very good man and I am grateful you put this all in perspective for me. Thanks again for your very kind words of encouragement!


 br, this is great. I'm so glad!


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## tjohnson

I had a friend of mine uncharictoristically black out in a similar VIP scenario. Not sure if he was drugged but, he wound up being in the VIP room a long time. Next thing i know he is asking to borrow 400 to settle his bill. He didn't remember any of it the next day. 

I will say (and the guys will probably rip me a new one here but) I have had a change of heart where strip clubs are concerned. I would be OK with going to one if it were simply to stare at the dancers and talk about their body parts but, most of the time you are pressured to get private dances where the girls often grind you and or get very close. For me this is too personal and is crossing a line. I am not a prude, i love porn and the sight of naked women but again too much for me.


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## WalterWhite

I doubt your husband got drugged. Do you really believe everything he says? I suspect he was in his right mind when he went to that strip club.

When a husband goes to a strip club, that is called CHEATING, hello?!?

Lots of dumb wifes try to be so cool when they say "yea he goes, I don't care, it's no biggy...I'm not a control freak, I trust him"...what a shame, and this attitude olny ENABLES more cheating on the part of the husband. These same "cool" wifes continue to say that "he never lies about it"....either they are self-liars, or completely dilluded.


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## EleGirl

Machiavelli said:


> they probably spiked his drink, then ripped him off. 60 minutes hada program on this occurring in Russian owned strip clubsaround the country.


That's what it sounds like to me as well. Something is not right about his not knowing what was going on. Also the brief memory of someone handing him his wallet. Why did anyone else have his wallet?


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## br625

Dumb "wifes"? I won't even waste my time responding to this ignorant post.


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## turnera

WalterWhite said:


> I doubt your husband got drugged. Do you really believe everything he says? I suspect he was in his right mind when he went to that strip club. When a husband goes to a strip club, that is called CHEATING, hello?!? Lots of dumb wifes try to be so cool when they say "yea he goes, I don't care, it's no biggy...I'm not a control freak, I trust him"...what a shame, and this attitude olny ENABLES more cheating on the part of the husband. These same "cool" wifes continue to say that "he never lies about it"....either they are self-liars, or completely dilluded.


meh
My H goes occasionally when he takes out his clients. I've gone with him. He tells me all about them. In fact, he went a couple weeks ago at the CEDIA show, when he had to take out clients to one of the only strip clubs in Indianapolis, and they wanted to go every night. He got in a fight with one of the strippers cos he wouldn't give her money and she tried to get him in trouble. He thinks strip clubs are disgusting and feels sorry for men who have to go there.


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## EleGirl

br625 said:


> That is what is so painful..not knowing what really happened. And if he remembers bits and pieces he must remember the girl and the lap dance, or atleast some of it!!! I can't but help look at him differently and a bit of my spirit is broken knowing he was so close to a naked woman, stripper or not. How does the saying go..."The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know???".


Yea, in retrospect your husband and friend should not have gone to either of those places. But most people, me included, would not have expected something like that to happen.

I find it very disturbing that your husband seems to have been mugged, robbed and maybe even sexually assaulted and all you can think of is that he might have touch some woman. You are not showing any real concern for your husband at all. Who knows what they did to him.

My bet is that all the bronzing comes from the strip club setting him up so that he would not dare to stop the charges. 

Bronzing all over him? These are women who are paid to do lap dances. Do you really think that they wear enough bronzing to ruin the clothing of their clients? My bet is that they ‘painted’ him in all the right places. They probably also posed him in compromising positions and took photos so that if he did contest the charges they could show how his money was spent.

What better way to get away with drugging a person and robbing them then to make it so obvious that they have to hide everything from their spouse and fear going to the police?

He was mugged with drugs and all you can think of that in a drugged state he might have touched someone else? Really?


Looks like those who robbed him did a very good of setting him up so that the would never, ever dare to bring charges against them.

I'm sure he's learned a hard lesson, stay away from those places.

If this is a once in a lifetime incident you really do need to lighten up and even have some concern over the fact that he was assaulted.


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## br625

Facts: 

- he went to strip club the night he was wining and dining a client in from out of town (trust me, he'd rather be home watching sports or king of queens, or with his family...not kidding)
- from receipts we know he was there from approx 9pm-10:40pm (I just checked receipts)
- all receipts were forged (i have all the copies)
- he vaguely remembers his wallet missing then reappearing
- a "vip room rules" sheet was forged with a fake thumb imprint (sent by club to credit card company, which was then sent to us)
- he had bronzer on the front of his shirt...just the bottom part that would be over his lap...and his jeans (i know my face bronzer wipes off easily so i don't think they painted him with it and i have no doubt that he did get a lap dance)
- he thinks he passed out while he was there, as he says he felt like he was there for minutes only
- he was shocked when he saw his credit card statement the next morning and saw the $1,800 in charges (some duplicate) on visa and amex (again, he was entertaining his client so maybe they took one card for each of them)
- I was just as upset about him being taken advantage of (i wouldn't say assaulted, as I highly doubt a stripper would give a lap dance to a passed out customer -- perhaps he was coherent the first few minutes so they went along with the motions...literally). 
- He did put himself in a compromising position by walking thru that door a little buzzed, so he's at fault there.
- He spoke to manager of strip club and contested all the charges, but they provided 5 receipts all clearly forged
- we thought about fighting charges, but at what cost? lawyer fees would cost much more than strip club charges
- he did learn the biggest lesson in his life and he is absolutely sick over what happened
- I am married to a very decent, hardworking, loving husband and my reaction did not fit the crime. Our marriage is stronger than anyone else I know. We are best friends, we have so much fun together, and we live life to the fullest.... not to mention our sex life is better than ever (he was always in the mood but since this event we can't keep our hands off each other....yes the thought of him being with a stripper has been an aphrodisiac for me....it's crazy i know) 

I think I'd like to officially move on from this. At the very least I hope someone else will learn from his mistake.


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## La Rose Noire

You need to stop obsessing over this. What your husband did was wrong on all accounts, but you shouldn't feel insecure about it. Sounds like he has no recollection of anything. It meant nothing to him. At the end of the day, he loves only you, right?

Why don't you give him a lap dance yourself?


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## br625

I finally stopped obsessing over it and posted a "thank you" to those who gave great advice. I just felt the need to respond to some of the last few posts above. 

I did give my husband a lap dance.....outfit and all.....he loved it


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## La Rose Noire

That's great to hear!


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## RHW

br625 said:


> Yes, he spoke to the client following this event and he doesn't remember much either. In fact, my husband gave me his client's phone number so I could text him and he was very willing to answer any questions I had. His client did say he got one lap dance that cost over $400, and there was one charge for $460. They were both very drunk or drugged. Both my husband and I decided not to fight the charges as we'd be fighting an uphill battle. They had a copy of his (2) credit cards that were used and his license, and they did a fairly decent job of forging his signature (although we can tell it's not his). They also made a fake imprint of his thumb on a VIP "rules sheet", again with his forged signature. If we fought this his name would be out there and it would prolong the stress and, quite honestly, the issue is not the money at all, as I know he got ripped off. I'm not upset about the strip club....he goes as a goof with his co-workers....both men and women....once every 2 years after their Christmas party, if that (that ended a few years ago). Sure this time I got a little angry and was going to bust his balls for a while, but then I'd get over it and tease him about it. It's the intimacy that kills me with this one. I try to put myself in his position and think about me being drunk and a naked guy rubbing all over me and I know I would just be "ewww gross" and think nothing of it. I just keep picturing him all smiles and in his glory and loving every minute of it. I have to keep in mind that if he was that drunk (or drugged) it's likely he was pretty out of it in the vip room. Even the thought of a woman (possibly my daughter's age!) touching his hair, and nibbling on his ear makes me sick, but I have no idea if this happened. My concern is that he does remember some fondling and he's not telling because he knows I'll freak out. I've been on other web sites where men claim that anything and everything happens in the vip room including all kinds of touching, but I don't know if it's fiction or not. I'm not so concerned about the drinking because my husband can handle his drinking and NEVER blacks out. The crazy thing is that the next morning he wasn't even hung over just extremely tired, so that makes me think he was drugged. I guess I would love to hear from another guy if these private lap dances are all that great, or if it's just a longer version of what you get out on the floor, and a lot more expensive. My husband is bashful and wouldn't be quick to grope a stripper, but do you think it's possible she would put his hands on her b**bs thinking she'd get a bigger tip or more dances? Also, if my husband did fall asleep in a chair at the club or in the vip room, would they just leave him there? The entire event is so sketchy, and that's what's hard to get over.


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