# Trouble with showing wife affection



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Ive been married about 16 years now.. unfortunately i was raised without affection and i what i consider normal apparently is NOT normal to my wife. now she wants to separate and im devastated by it.. i love her soo much. for the last month i have been attentive and using meditation to try and live from my heart and not my mind. its been working and she admits it but shes has pent up anger from all these years.. she still wants to talk to a counselor but she wants to start over and be friends first.. is there anyone out there that struggles with showing affection daily? there are soo many things in life that tug on my attention and the fat i waqs raised without it make it very difficult sometime.. i have nevre intentionally withheld affection from her.. i hope we can get pass this... i have anxiety every day and trouble breathing at times..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It seems odd that after 16 yrs she only just *now* decided this was an issue.

Was it something she brought up before? 

While being raised a certain way will prob mold the way you interact in the future, it doesn't have to be the way you are.

This is your wife. IF she wants affection (as most women do), give it to her. It's considered neglectful if your partner doesn't show you love/affection. 

Mya dvice is to go to counselling with her, tell her you heard everything she said, agree with her that you should be more affectionate and you are willing to do/try any/everything to restore your marriage back to someplace good. Plan a romantic evening out.

WOMEN WANT ROMANCE! It makes us fall in love with our men all over again. Compliment her (extra points if you do this in front of her friends or strangers). Buy her flowers. Write her a love letter explaining all the reasons you married her...


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## 3girls2luv (Apr 15, 2011)

Your situation sounds like mine. My wife recently wanted to separate, citing that i didn't give her affections, i.e., hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc.. We have been married for 13 years, 3 children, and she told me about this last November. Since I was raised in Asian culture where it is uncommon to show this kind of affection (Wife also Asian too), I can't believe she would find my "normal" affection an issue, as if she woke up and discovers something wrong with it. Her co-worker may be culprit at pointing this out. Now she wants Western way of showing love, revising her expection of me. Like you, I 've tried mediation to reach to my inner feelings and it does help. I now hug my 3 girls more often now. 
I read somewhere affection can be a learned and incorporated into daily habits. There are relationship books that show 100 ways to do it.
You can't changed how you were raised but you can change your habit now, day by day, little by little. I bet she will notice it.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Thanks


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think 3girls is right you can learn. Take it slow and build on success. From what I have read of men who wanted to change this in their marriage on this forum, abrupt changes makes the spouse feel crowded and that you changes in behavior are not real. If you make small changes and as she accepts them as part of who you are make more changes.


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

socal I have that problem! I was raised with a very unaffectionate mum who would barely hug us! it became a problem in my marriage too. If you've been together that long I'm sure you can gradually work on it, it's so important in order to help the love blossom to it's fullest potential


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

See I'm just the reverse. My parents were cold and withholding. I CRAVE affection and touch. My wife is the prickly one who doesn't like being touched, especially in public. Me? I would tongue kiss her and put my hands under sweater in a cafeteria line.


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