# How do you respond to this kind of comment?



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

WH and I have been doing very well with our R. We took a couple weeks vacation and found this wonderful little boat-accessible bar/grill/marina and fell in love with the place, and anchored there for several days. 

The establishment was hosting a fund-raiser that weekend and we stayed and enjoyed the festivities. We were approached by the event photographer who told me she took an awesome photo of us looking at the water together. She told me, "Sweetheart, you need to hold onto that man. I've been watching the two of you all day and he really takes care of you and looks at you like he just can't stand to take his eyes off you. He's one of the few good ones that are left."

I didn't say anything. Couldn't. The very next day was the one year after Dday. I agree with her about how he treats me now. I wanted to say something. Anything. I saw the look in his eyes when I didn't. Could see that it stung but he understood at the same time. 

Anyone else have this happen? What would you/did you say?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Was she trying to sell you the photo? My guess is that's where the comment came from.

I know what you mean though. The day before our 1 year Dday antiversary I think I would have broken down into tears if someone had told me that, or else bitten their head off.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

No, not trying to sell the photo. It was to be posted on the website afterward. We were actually approached that same day by a retired photographer who asked my H if he had a camera on his phone, and, if so, to hand it to him because he said we needed to save the moment. And, again, never asked for a cent.


----------



## Dday (Mar 31, 2013)

I get this feeling as well when someone asks how me how my fww is doing or how good she looks. I'm smiling on the outside but inside I just have this urge to tell everyone what she did. I'm only about 2 1/2 months past Dday so I guess I have a long way to go still
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> I didn't say anything. Couldn't. The very next day was the one year after Dday. I agree with her about how he treats me now. I wanted to say something. Anything. I saw the look in his eyes when I didn't. Could see that it stung but he understood at the same time.


This is the piece that really matters.
Sometimes there's no need to say anything. Not then and not after that. He got it.

I had to bite my tongue too many times to count, specially early on. Hopely things will change for you sooner than later. I admit I don't know your story, but if your joining date is close to DDay then it's to early. Things will get better, I promise.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Look down and sigh heavily?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

How about something like "Well it wasn't always this way and we both had to learn some hard lessons first, but we're here now and he really IS someone I'll hang onto"? 

It's not like learning how to appreciate each other "just magically happens." Why perpetuate that false front? It wasn't easy. There were ups and some serious downs. And after all that, where are you two right now...in the present? He is someone you WORKED to hang onto and he worked to hang onto you! I say revel in that a little.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks AC. I wish I could have done that! He really has become a much better person. DDay was June 2 for me, Acabado. The passing of the one year mark has done (accomplished?) something in my brain. Maybe a small shift, but I'm focusing less on the A. I still think about it all the time, though. Just without the belly full of fear


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sometimes, Silence is Golden.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> Thanks AC. I wish I could have done that! He really has become a much better person. DDay was June 2 for me, Acabado. The passing of the one year mark has done (accomplished?) something in my brain. Maybe a small shift, but I'm focusing less on the A. I still think about it all the time, though. Just without the belly full of fear


My bad, I'm sorry. Even the piece I quoted had the dates written!! 

Anyway one year is not really that far away from DDay. Even while my R was a little different that others (I couldn't commit for nine months, basically stayed so our kids could enjoy the family security) and I start counting since my commitment date I believe the way you feel is perfectly normal.
I'm glad to hear he seems to be changed. Maybe you can try to reframe this event as a testimony of that instead of a reminder of who he was... I hope things keep improving for you and your family.
Wish you continued healing.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I find compliments on our marriage hurt to hear. A couple of weeks ago the topic of anniversaries came up at church. We mentioned we were coming up on our 22nd wedding anniversary and someone smiled and told me how luck I was to have such a wonderful wife. How she was so generous and how she would give the shirt off her back to someone in need. 

I wanted to puke. But, I just smiled back and said, "Thank you."


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Acoa said:


> I find compliments on our marriage hurt to hear. A couple of weeks ago the topic of anniversaries came up at church. We mentioned we were coming up on our 22nd wedding anniversary and someone smiled and told me how luck I was to have such a wonderful wife. How she was so generous and how she would give the shirt off her back to someone in need.
> 
> I wanted to puke. But, I just smiled back and said, "Thank you."


You could have just looked at them and said, "you are right she will take the shirt off her back for others." Let them figure it out and wonder if you misheard what they said.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

That happened to me on our 25th wedding anniversary, a little over a year after Dday. I just smiled and said thank you, that's very nice to hear.

To me, that situation is similar to picking out a birthday, anniversary or mother's day card at the drug store. I've often thought that maybe one day I'll patent a special category of greeting card and make a fortune. It'll go right under the category of "from husband to wife". I'll call it "from betrayed husband to wayward wife in R" (and vise versa). Heartfelt cards without the romantic hyperbole.


----------



## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

When we get compliments on our marriage I cannot even smile and say thanks. I simply look away and keep quiet and wait for the subject to change. I don't do it to be hurtful, I simply have not figure out what to say.


----------



## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

It's so difficult to comment on any compliments on our what it seems as being perfect to the outside world when we know the truth! This happened to me 2 weeks after my Dday in January this year! It's true though, we need to concentrate and focus more on where we are today not what we used to have because that was ripped-out by our WS. My WH had a very short affair and that's all it took to destroy our 16 yrs together. Sounds like you are doing very well with your R and I personally find it very encouraging. Well done and good luck.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I think the very fact that you _didn't_ say whatever negative comment might have jumped into your head at that moment was enough.

Quite often I find myself biting back b!tchy comments that come into my head at what otherwise are quite nice times. I don't know why they occur to me - possibly the suppressed anger is trying to come out. Not sure how to deal with that one.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> WH and I have been doing very well with our R. We took a couple weeks vacation and found this wonderful little boat-accessible bar/grill/marina and fell in love with the place, and anchored there for several days.
> 
> The establishment was hosting a fund-raiser that weekend and we stayed and enjoyed the festivities. We were approached by the event photographer who told me she took an awesome photo of us looking at the water together. She told me, "Sweetheart, you need to hold onto that man. I've been watching the two of you all day and he really takes care of you and looks at you like he just can't stand to take his eyes off you. He's one of the few good ones that are left."
> 
> ...


In the damn middle of my wife's affair we were attending a function. Someone came up to us and said "You two are the perfect couple! You obviously love each other very much!"
I thanked them but my heart was breaking, to be honest...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

In the damn middle of my wife's affair we were attending a function. Someone came up to us and said "You two are the perfect couple! You obviously love each other very much!"
I thanked them but my heart was breaking, to be honest...


Wow! I'm so glad to know others have been through this. Most days I look at him and am thankful for the person/husband he has become, and some days I still hate him (without provocation).

MattMatt, I was gone for a couple weeks when we went sailing, and I must say, your new avatar is freakin' me out!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> In the damn middle of my wife's affair we were attending a function. Someone came up to us and said "You two are the perfect couple! You obviously love each other very much!"
> I thanked them but my heart was breaking, to be honest...
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah. But I now can't find my cats!


----------

