# Husband too close to sister?



## TakemetoInfinity (Apr 4, 2019)

Before getting married, my husband & I had been together for 2.5 years. I'm 28. We've been married about 8 months now & within this short time there's been a strange pattern that's been bothering me. I didn't know that my husband was very close to his sister- he always is the type to be closed with his emotions even if openly taking care of people and their health & well-being. His sister is away for school/work but the very few times she visits, something happens that makes my stomach twist in confusion, fear and hurt. And I can't tell if I'm overreacting- I keep telling myself I'm overreacting but I don't know anymore. So the first times were a bit minor, like she tried on her dress for our reception & had a shawl over her chest & shoulder, and he moved the shawl away from her chest to see the design there, which I genuinely believe he was actually doing, but it was still tense for me and you could tell she also felt like "cmon what're you doing". Then later on I walked into the living room to see him with his head on her shoulder (which would still be okay if he was the type to not be touchy-feely or show emotions to people. She's the only other person I have seen who he seems to show emotions to). Then that same night, while me and him were getting up to go to bed and we turned off the lights in the halls, and I said gnight to her and then behind me he was saying gnight to her hugging her in the dark for a very long time, speaking in tender whispers, and it felt like if I went to them I would be invading the space of two lovers. Another day, out of nowhere, in front of everyone, he was reprimanding her to sit up straight so she doesn't hurt her back, and started massaging her back SO CLOSE right by her butt (she jumped and then relaxed). I've also seen her hand pushing him up once jokingly also practically touching his butt. Then one time his sister tells me while she's wearing this shirt- that it was his shirt but he gave it to her and told her she "looks better in it than him." Idk if you say that to your sister, but it hurt bc he's said that to meeee before with the exact similar shirt. I still thought I was overreacting because I know my husband loves me- he's the most caring, loving husband and I'm blessed to have him. But what really triggered me was when last night, while watching tv in the room with his mother and me- he called me by his sister's name. Immediately you could tell he was embarrassed and took it back. To add to this, before we got married there was one thing he said but it was about fiction so I let it go- we were talking about a tv show and he suggested the brother and sister in the show getting together would be the best pair. I thought he was joking, but with everything I've witnessed idk what's going on. If there is anything at all, I know that it's subconscious for him- I know that he would never actively do anything or cheat on me with anyone to begin with. Can someone please explain to me if any of this is normal or wth is going on?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like they have already been together in the past. Some sort of incestuous relationship. 

Figure out what you want to do.

Lot's of red flags here.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

uummmmmm ........ flags...........red ones

trust your gut ....


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I dont know about the rest but I do know that I call my brother by my husbands name all the time and there is NOTHING going on between us siblings- I dont thnk we have touched each other other than punching since we were kids. He was however my best friend till he hit highschool. He let me go everywhere with him and his buddies and always gave me a minor part to play in their games.

Another weird thing is my brother married a girl who looks just like me to the point of rediculousness. We once face timed each other and got confused about which face was whos for a minute. She has been called by my name at the grocery store and on the street by kids and adults alike. Whenever a new "event" happens and we tell him he shudders and says it makes him want to throw up- then we all laugh.

My friend and her brother had a brief incestuous relationship involving him paying her a chocolate bar for sex a few times. This totally screwed her up emotionally- although she has rug swept the whole thing and just sees it as a stupid thing they did. She is estranged from her other 4 siblings at the moment and he is the only one she says is "nice" to her. The only thing that she says bothered her about the encounters with her brother were that he had promised her a cola as well as a chocolate bar and he never delivered on the cola.

Same friend has a husband who was grossly close to his sister. They also sat almost cuddled on the couch and often whispered conspiritorally to each other when they were together with their heads together and giggling. I dont know if anything sexual ever happened between them. I do know he hasnt had sex with his wife for 25 years and before that it was only a few times.

Some people's primary relationship is to their opposite sex parent and they act as a substitute spouse in that case. They fill all the emotional intimacy but not the sexual stuff. Maybe that can happen with siblings too? My H calls his mom 3-5 times a day. He talks to her for ages at work and then when he comes home he goes up to the bedroom, closes the door and talks to her for ages then. Its not a healthy set up in a marriage when the spouse is still honouring their family of origin relationships over their spouse. MC said it rarely changes unless they die or move away. 

I think my point is human relationships are very complicated and have many layers. Emotional connections are formed with such strength and importance when we are young especially if there are hardships. Was your H's family difficult? abusive? Did brother and sister form an alliance to get through it all? Could be an incestuous thing but also could be an emotional intimacy thing that makes those "near touches" seem sexual.

Hmmmm I dont think I made things any clearer -sorry


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## TakemetoInfinity (Apr 4, 2019)

NJ2 said:


> I dont know about the rest but I do know that I call my brother by my husbands name all the time and there is NOTHING going on between us siblings- I dont thnk we have touched each other other than punching since we were kids. He was however my best friend till he hit highschool. He let me go everywhere with him and his buddies and always gave me a minor part to play in their games.
> 
> Another weird thing is my brother married a girl who looks just like me to the point of rediculousness. We once face timed each other and got confused about which face was whos for a minute. She has been called by my name at the grocery store and on the street by kids and adults alike. Whenever a new "event" happens and we tell him he shudders and says it makes him want to throw up- then we all laugh.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thorough response. This is exactly what I was trying to figure out -if it's simply just that human relationships and connections can be so complicated, and if it's just an innocent connection. I know for a fact he's not doing anything outright- he himself would be disgusted with himself. So idk if it's subconscious or if it's innocent close playful connection. 

And no, H did not grow up in abusive family - it was the other way around, I grew up in an abusive family of domestic violence where my brother and I "formed alliance to get through it" as you put it. We've gone through a lot together and continue to be affected by the abuse and trauma, and talk about it often still. But I have never had that kind of relationship with my brother. He also ended up marrying someone who apparently looks like me (she's my best friend and everyone called us doppelgängers or sisters). But he was also grossed out or weirded out the way you mentioned with your situation. So I guess there are different multilayered levels to relationships - Maybe thinking of spouse as a kind of innocent playmate the way you had growing up with siblings? Idk. Just something feels strangely unsettling about this. Sigh idk I think I'll continue looking for more signs. I don't want to accuse husband of anything outright


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No, none of it is normal.. Have a frank talk with him and tell him that you're looking into getting an annulment because it seems he is more involved with his sister than any man has a right to be. He may get embarrassed and accuse you of having a dirty mind etc. You know what you've seen and heard so don't let him gaslight you. Stand your ground and make him realize his own behaviors are not typical of brother-sister relationships and you're not going to stand for it.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I agree that it's not normal. I'm not sure it's indicative of anything sexual or not. Maybe it's just a weird relationship they have. Regardless, that type of behavior is unacceptable for a married man with another woman. He's acting in a manner of an intimate relationship, not a sibling relationship.

I think it's totally fair to tell him he needs to roll back his behavior to appropriate levels. If he objects, then tell him you're going to do all that stuff with his brother (or dad or whatever close male relative he has). What would he think if you started giving his brother intimate hugs, whispering to him, and massaging his lower back?

Actually, if he pushes back at all, just run away. You don't want to spend your life trying to explain to this man what is and isn't normal relationship behavior. If he doesn't immediately see the problem with what he's doing, the problem is deep seeded and will come out in many ways with other women. You'll have to deal with this core issue over and over in other scenarios.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

OP, your post gave me the physical creeps.

HTH.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Oy, I see a lot of red flags here, and I'd be very wary if I were you. Keep paying attention. Have you asked him anything about this?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AandM said:


> OP, your post gave me the physical creeps.
> 
> HTH.


I agree with this.
Unless they are twins?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

No it is not normal.

Is he older than his sister, the overly
protective type ? It is creepy to behave 
this way. Keep an eye on the situation and
especially how she reacts to his touchy 
feeling actions. They may have acted 
this way when they were younger, but he 
is married and they are both adults. It should 
stop because it is just weird. 

If his actions really get bad and bother you
tell him. Tell them both,you should not have
to stand for it. If he doesn't stop 
you may have your answer.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I thought this wasn't that weird until he said the sister and brother in the tv show should hook up. Even if nothing has ever happened, that implies he's thought about it. 

I also think his sister gets uncomfortable with some of what he does too like how she tensed up when he massaged her. She seems very passive in this so I doubt that she's totally on board with looking like a Lannister.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Um, I have two brothers and we never behave like this.

Your post made my skin crawl.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@TakemetoInfinity

The brother is apparently 'emotionally' very close to his sister, and your discomfort is understandable accordingly. I do not think it is wise to destroy their bonding but you need to have a honest conversation with him in order to 'define some boundaries' in this regard. Remind your husband that he is not just a brother anymore but your husband as well, and he needs to take your values and feelings into consideration now. Tell him that you do not mind him being close to his sister but you find 'this and that' type of behavior inappropriate. And see how it goes.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Okay, so a question for you. If this is real, and I'm not so sure it is, how did you miss it while dating him?


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## TakemetoInfinity (Apr 4, 2019)

2ntnuf said:


> Okay, so a question for you. If this is real, and I'm not so sure it is, how did you miss it while dating him?


Because when we were dating, we didn't hang out in his house nor with his sister. I moved into the house afterwards, and his sister visits. Before we got married I hadn't seen them interacting very much outside of meeting her at a cafe with him. Not sure what you mean by "if this is real." Whether what I said is happening, or whether there is anything wrong with this scenario?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TakemetoInfinity said:


> Because when we were dating, we didn't hang out in his house nor with his sister. I moved into the house afterwards, and his sister visits. Before we got married I hadn't seen them interacting very much outside of meeting her at a cafe with him. Not sure what you mean by "if this is real." Whether what I said is happening, or whether there is anything wrong with this scenario?


Well, it was a bit creepy to read. I wondered if it was real. 

What I see is you made a big decision before you had all the necessary information to help you make the best one you possibly could. 

I guess that is due to infatuation and a belief that dreams do come true? 

I think you have all the answers you need in your own post to me. Just step back and read it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Talk with your husband and tell him what you have observed. If he gets defensive, ask him how he thinks OTHER people see this -- creepy and incestuous. Tell him that this type of behavior goes against your boundaries for marriage and you want him to stop it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I have sisters and have NEVER had such a disturbing way of behaving with them.


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