# thinking of a divorce



## lasusa (Oct 23, 2015)

hi all,

so I have been married for about 7 months now, I didn't know my husband for a long time before that, but I did notice some lying from his side here and there,only to discover after our marriage that he is some what a compulsive liar, and ever one arounds him knows it.

I confronted him many times but he keeps on saying they are white lies to avoid people's confrontations...
also after the marriage I found that he was a member on so many sex hookup websites.. I found photos of escorts and their phone numbers on his phone all during our relationship, but before the wedding..
when I confronted him, he swore so many times that he never had sex with any...
i said ok, I will forgive all what happened before our wedding and now we start new...
just a few days I saw a welcome email in his email from a sex hookup website, he swears to me that its not him who registered ... knowing that its his password being used...
i moved out and now thinking of a divorce I just can't trust him anymore..
he keeps on swearing that he is faithful and that he has changed...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I was married to a chronic liar who was also a cheater. He'd never admit to it, even when I had hard evidence like emails and one of the women he cheated with on the phone!

Note I said "was". The only thing I regret about the divorce was that I married him in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I think you are wise to not trust him. It is also good to proceed with the divorce before any children are born into your family, the divorce process is pretty simple now but with time and accumulation of assets will become messier and more expensive.

I believe that people can change, given time, and accountability. However, I strongly doubt that a matter of couple weeks has resulted in any change at all. The most likely outcome is that your husband will continue on the same path to destruction he is currently on for the foreseeable future. 

If, in a few years, he is demonstrating better choices and managing his life better, you may give it another try if you wish and have not found a more suitable husband in the interim.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Divorce. ASAP.


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## lasusa (Oct 23, 2015)

thank you all...
its just really difficult making this decision...

I asked him to seek professional help for his lying disorder but he refuses... he is a 43 year old man... i don't know if there is hope


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

There isn't.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You married quickly (boundaries) and found out your H is a compulsive liar and a cheat? You forgave him (Boundaries) Now he tells you to trust him? Why would you?

At this point, in a seven-month marriage there honestly isn't much hope. You KNOW you can't trust his words, look at his actions. They sure indicate that his behavior has not changed. And what is he doing to try to stop his compulsive lying and hook-ups? Anything? I mean besides his words, that you know you can't trust.

My advice would be to go through with a D. If, and honestly this is stretching it, if he goes into intensive IC therapy, maybe maybe maybe, you can date him. But you can't have any kind of future or healthy relationship when there is zero trust (Boundaries) I'm really sorry.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

LASUSA ~

Here is a big clue aka a red flag from your initial post:

" tells white lies to avoid people's confrontations ..........."

It's time to call it a day!

VH


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Here's the thing, no one ever likes to think that they are doing anything really wrong, that they are actively being a bad person, etc. Cheaters are big on this. A cheater will typically find a way to VERY narrowly define what cheating is and isn't, and if they do go all the way, they will find ways to either present themselves as a victim, or demonize the person they are hurting. For instance:

1. It's entirely possible that he hasn't "cheated" on you, judged by his very narrow definition of the word. For instance, I think the vast majority of people would say that signing up for a sexual hook-up site when you are married is VERY wrong. I bet a smaller number of people would say that in itself is "cheating" though. It's very possible (actually likely in my view) that your husband just views cheating as the act of him having physical intercourse with someone other than you. He would probably just to defend signing up for a "hook-up" site as just a little sexual thrill for him, akin to looking at porn. (Which is also EXTREMELY detrimental by the way, especially in a marriage) By not actually having sex with anyone, in his view, he hasn't cheated. I think this is the most likely case, and if so he'll never acknowledge that he's cheated on you, but you might be able to get him to admit that it was extremely wrong.

2. If they do cheat, as in actual sexual intercourse with someone else, or something similar (oral sex, making out, etc.), they might try to explain it away by saying they've been lonely or unhappy for a while, or that it's because you won't have sex with him as often as he "needs" or you aren't into the kinky stuff he likes, etc. The hope there is that you might believe him and blame yourself and then become sexual putty in his hands.

3. If they do cheat, as in actual sexual intercourse with someone else or something similar (oral sex, making out, etc.), they can accuse you of a bunch of terrible things, say that the marriage has been dead for a while, act like divorce was inevitable anyway, like you deserve his cheating on you, etc. The idea there is that he hopes he might be able to convince others that what he did wasn't so bad, or that you were a bad enough spouse that you deserved it, or something similar.


So as I said above, my guess is that he has fooled himself into believing that what he has done isn't that bad, but just to be safe is lying to you about it not being him that signed up for the site, because he doesn't want you to dig any further. My guess is that he uses porn, and hides a lot of things from you. Is he more tech savvy than you are? Do you have any kind of computer tracking software on your computer? Do you have unlimited access to his phone without reservation? (Like can you ask to see his phone and he hands it to you without pause, and you already know any passwords he might have?) If any of these are true, then I'd say you have good reason to be very concerned, whether he has physically cheated on you yet or not.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

The lying is a red flag. The pictures and numbers of the escorts is an even bigger red flag, and how do you know he's not lying about sleeping with them? Have you gone to counseling, whether it was individual or marital? Maybe you should try that before you settle for a divorce, but with all of these red flags, you could be better off without him honestly. Here is a good resource on divorce if you need it. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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