# Problems as you get older



## Teddles (Sep 12, 2012)

After nearly 40 years of a loving marriage, I am somewhat concerned.

Up until a few years ago we still had regular sex, although I have to say it felt a bit like it was used as a emotional reinforcement of my love for the Wife when it happened.

One can't ask for the same experience as we used to enjoy many years ago, and I know many couples that gave up the whole idea long ago. 

I suppose the problem for me is that she has piled on the pounds over the last few years, and despite me trying to think otherwise, I can't see her as sexy any more - but I love her and want to care for her.

Due to this lack of interest on my part, she is now getting a little dispondent.

Problem is that joking aside, walking into your bedroom, and finding your wife suddenly throwing off the bedsheets and raising her legs and arms akimbo like a crab on its back or a dying fly and saying, go-on, take me! (with a smile)...despite my best attempts, does not turn me on (I wish it would), rather the opposite! ...and I feel very bad about it - I always try to make a joke of this as I don't want to hert her feelings in any way - she is very emotional woman and very sensitive.

Also her idea of getting me interested is just lying there... and then complaining the next morning that I did nothing! This 'inactivity' on her part, expecting me to fathom she was interested has got worse as the years have gone by.

The biggest problem for me is trying to see her sexy again which I would dearly love to do - but - her weight is continuing upwards and I know how upset (to the extreme) she would be if I strted to even mention how I feel or try to get her to lose a few pounds. When I come home, I do try to get her to do something active, or go out, but each time she says she would rather watch telly.

No longer working for a living, she has no hobbies, no outside interests nothing! Grandkids, family and popping out to look after her Mum and Dad is all. I can't count how many times I have gently tried to suggest joining something, or persuing some interest of her own - but all I get is ' I don't know', or ' Not really interested' and if I push it, it ends up in a arguement!

I would love her to have something, just something that was hers and hers alone - unfortunately my interests are not hers and yes! I have tried other things like suggesting doing something together, like going out dancing once a week - negative!

Finally - I believe she is depressed! ..and she admits this...But despite me suggesting popping along to the Docs, she wont do that!

Sorry for the long post.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I like Chris's advice. Try approaching her to start exercising with your regularly. Then she can lose weight and you will both feel better as well, and it will be a good bonding time that may rekindle your feelings for her


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - difficult situation. Have you googled 'natural ways to ease depression?' 

There are many foods/herbs/essential oils that will help and you could also pop along to your local health shop and get some St Johns Wort or something similar. 

Unfortunately movement/exercise is one of the main things usually listed that will lift a persons mood by increasing the feel good hormones in the body and easing stress. Will she not even go for a 20 min walk with you? You could offer to hold hands...make it something romantic... it could be good for mind, body and soul.

Really until you get the depression sorted she isn't likely to feel motivated to give herself this gift of fitness and health. What does SHE say about her weight?

Below is the first site that came up when I googled it easing depression naturally.


10 Natural Ways to Ease Depression | Care2 Healthy Living

PS: Don't forget that weight loss is usually 80% diet and 20% exercise. If she is eating too much/too often/calorie dense foods she will never be able to exercise all those calories off. 
Food diaries can be helpful and so can using smaller plates and bowls...reducing portion size.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Also married 40 years. We both made a decision to lose weight together and exercise regularly. My wife had gained weight, as had I, and I made it a "will you help me lose weight?" deal instead of "your ass is getting fat" deal.


Exactly what I was going to suggest!:smthumbup:


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Just had a fortieth anniversary here. Will she walk with you, even if it's only around the block at first?

Walking together will do wonders for mood and metabolism and gives you time to have some quality conversation.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If she is clinically depressed, she needs to see a doctor. If she refuses, then she is being irrresponsible about her health & you need to (gently) tell her.

Trust me on this one; you do not want her depression to get worse; she will never care about her weight....or anything.

Good luck.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Everyone has given you good advice. I want to add one more in case all fails

Find a way to adjust your thinking.



> Quote by Teddles
> walking into your bedroom, and finding your wife suddenly throwing off the bedsheets and raising her legs and arms akimbo like a crab on its back or a dying fly and saying, go-on, take me! (with a smile)...despite my best attempts, does not turn me on (I wish it would), rather the opposite! ...and I feel very bad about it - I always try to make a joke of this as I don't want to hert her feelings in any way - she is very emotional woman and very sensitive.


Have you not read the many posts on here about men that have wives that only allow sex once every month or two and some even longer? Also, you are lucky that you have a “…very emotional and very sensitive wife”. How would you like a cold and distant woman?* I know sex is important but you do have some other things to be thankful for.* We men are going to have to get over this idea that sex is suppose to be like it is in the movies all our life. Sooner or later we are going to have to learn to live in reality.

*You could start by realizing that your wife, even though she is depressed and over weight, she is trying to please you.* I don’t expect you to all of a sudden have the hots for your wife. However, you are going to have to adjust your expectations either now or later.

As you BOTH approach your 60s and 70s, the physical attraction is going to suffer. Unless you have found the Fountain of Youth you are not going to be all that HOT with your body wrinkling and all. 



> Quote by Teddles
> The biggest problem for me is trying to see her sexy again


She may not see you all that sexy either. *Sooner or later you are going to have to compromise on wanting to have the sexual experiences as you did in your 20s, 30s 40s based on the physical*. Better to start now as you are going to be much wrinkled in a few years and I know you won’t your wife to be disappointed in you do you?

Should she do something about her weight? Sure but don’t we all have something that we could do better at?
*If your wife is starting to be turned off by your failures, do you want your wife to try and change her attitude about the things that you fail at?*

You say that you love your wife then that means that she is a good woman in other ways. If your wife does not get her weight under control then my advice to you is to suck it up amigo! Time to put into action what we all talk about which is Love is not all about sex but is also about the person. Concentrating on your wife’s good points and building her up may even improve the sex a bit for you or her or both.

If all else fails start adjusting your self. *Attitudes can be changed by your self will, you do not need a sexy woman to-do that. You can improve this situation if you want to.[/*


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