# Advice Appreciated



## HelpMeFigureThisOut (Nov 28, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We dated for two years before we got married. During this two year period of dating, I cheated on my wife in a one night stand. I knew that my wife, then girlfriend, would end our relationship if she ever found out. I concealed this event for about ten years. I had buried this event so deeply that I didn't even feel guilty about it. I rationalized that we both really wanted to be with one another and that telling her would ruin it for both of us. I know now that this was purely a selfish decision, but I didn't see it that way then.

As I said, I concealed this for ten years and we have been married for 14. During the last four years I have been struggling with my wife to work out our relationship and repair the damage that one night stand and my subsequent lies have caused. I have done everything I can to show her that I want to be with her and that we can have a great life together. She has been unreceptive to everything.

About six months ago, I stopped trying to make things better. We do not fight or argue any more. That stopped about two years into the reconciliation process. The problem is now that after trying so hard to win my wife's love and being rejected and pushed away again and again, I have fallen out of love with her. She is now receptive to mending our marriage, but I am not.

Our roles have reversed. I have told her that I am considering moving out because I literally feel nothing. I am emotionally exhausted and I do not have the capital to reinvest into our relationship. The only emotion I feel right now is the remorse for the loss of the love we once held for each other.

I have started looking for another place to live, but I am hesitant to move out. Our entire lives have been about one another. I have tried to get her to go to counseling for years and she has refused to do so, saying that I need counseling; not her. Now that I have told her I plan on leaving she is suggesting counseling. Why am I unreceptive to this notion now? It was my idea initially and she scorned the suggestion. Shouldn't I be happy that she wants to make it better? Instead I find myself wondering why I didn't take the chance to break off the marriage earlier.

She previously moved out for about two months and then decided to come back. She says it was because she decided she wanted to be with me;. When she moved back in I still wanted to have our life together. The marriage just didn't get better. I broke her trust in me and it never came back.

I think I want to end this marriage, but I can't bring myself to tell her I am leaving. I am not happy. I haven't been truly happy in years. She has been miserable as well, initially because of the pain I caused and now for the pain I may cause by leaving. I love my wife. She is my best friend, but I do not feel that I love her as I used to....when we were "in love."

Physical contact with her has always been a manifestation of my emotinal feelings toward her. I would always touch her whenever I was within arms reach. I would walk across the house just to hug her. Now as we sit on the couch together I can't bring myself to put my arm around her. It feels fake to me and I don't want to make her think everything is ok when it isn't.

I need some advice. I know I have not captured everything that is necessary to formulate an opinion that might help, but these are the highlights that I hope will get me some insightful and helpful comments. Other than the one night stand before we were married, there has been no infidelity in our relationship.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Wow! This is almost an exact copy of what I posted a few weeks ago.

First, is there anyone else in your life right now?

Second, go to counseling. You need to understand your feelings.

I'm right there with you. But I'm at least in counseling.

Good luck!


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## HelpMeFigureThisOut (Nov 28, 2011)

HerToo - No, there is no one else in my life. Thanks for the advice. I will look into counseling before I take action to end the marriage. I would like for it to work out, but I would also like for it to end. I guess that's what the counselors are for.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I also love my wife, but I lack the passion that I once had for her. I care for her well being, and asking for a divorce would crush her. I get closer to "wanting it to end" each day. But I have to try saving it. 

We grew apart some time ago. I compounded the problem by having an affair. I'm glad you didn't have an affair. It makes things worse for both.

Good luck!


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