# I think I'm having an affair?



## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

I have been with mu hubby 14 years - I am 30, he's 37 and we have a 13 year old child.

I have never really been content - it is a long story and my other posts explain everything.

Anyway, I always enjoyed attention from the opposite sex - whistles, winks, dances, etc but have never acted on them. If I was ever given a phone number I always threw it away.

Until NOW! I met a guy at work, he was nice and quiet and I just helped him hit targets, etc.. I honestly felt nothing for him - he is nothing at all like "my type" and his looks are actually quite funny!

Snyway, we at a works party and I had made him come - we talked and flirted all night, we really hit it off! Anyway eveyone at work was talking about us and we thought it was fun so played on it.

I took his number so we could let each other know any new rumers - problem is we enjoyed "harmless" flirting so much we did it by text. I have to hide my phone from my family in case I get one now.

We have been doing this for 6 weeks and they more & more daring - it's great fun! We met up for a drink - nothing more, we just enjoy each others company and have a laugh.

I did start having feelings for him and look forward to seeing him - this scared him off so he backed off. Then he said he was gutted that we could be friends so we decided to be just that - but no, were flirty again... now I can't wait to have a night out with him and I have started having sexy thoughts?

Nothing could happen between us because we are so different - he is into designer clothes, fast cars, travelling, girls, and is way too good for me but he makes me feel special as alot of girls at work do fancy him but he spends most of his time with me.

Problem I am having is that I am considering a seperation from my hubby - and no it is not BECAUSE of this guy - he is just making the decision easier (or harder?)

For about a year I have really been considering life on my own as I feel that I am missing out on true happiness and maybe even true love! but people say that my "emotional affair" is clouding my judgement so I am really confused! I cannot end this with the other guy as I was o upset last time I would find it earier to leave my hubby!

I didn't even know there was such thing as an emotional affait - I thougt sex had to be involved to have an affair?

Anyway I don't really know what advice I am looking for, but does anyone think a marriage can last just beacuse you love someone in the way you love your sister, mom, dad, etc? That's how I love him... I cant stand the though of hurting him but I have no "wifey" feelings for him - I haven't for a long time. The only time can enjoy sex os when I am drunk!!

I am not a tart - I have only ever been with my husband - my mom reckons this is the reason for me wanting to be single, but the thought of having a relationship with another man scares the hell out of me and I am no where near confident enough to sleep with anyone.

I am really confused, I'm seeing a counciller tomorrow but doubt that will help- please look at my other threads too and any advice would be helpfull - I have to make a decision soon as it is killing us both!


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

just got done reading your other posts. i do feel for you. it seems that your relationship has been tough from the beginning! he was an adult when you started dating while you were still a teenager. that alone would put a strain on things. anyway, i can see how you could develop feelings for another in this situation but, BUT.....i still think it is wrong to do this behind his back! you are still married! you need to decide if you are done with your marriage before you develop any other type of relationship. you owe that to him & yourself! how are you going to feel about this new guy when your husband finds out??? all of those feelings of excitement with go away & it will all seem icky! if you are no longer committed to your husband, tell him & move on accordingly. then you can start a new relationship & not feel guilty. if you are not sure you want to give up on your marriage, then try to talk to your husband about how bad the state of your marriage is. get some help! also, cut off ties with the other guy if you decide to work on your marriage! just quit being deceiving! it only hurts people in the long run, including yourself!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bluebutterfly0808 said:


> just quit being deceiving! it only hurts people in the long run, including yourself!


:iagree:


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

:iagree:... with BlueButterfly0808.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

Thanks for the replies.. I cannot stop talking to this guy - he is the only person that can make me smile at the moment. We will not have an affair or relationship as he has already made it clear we are "just friends".
I want a trial seperation so that I can see if I do actually miss my husband - but he wont go, he sleeps on the sofa and insists on making me feel guilty for being honest about the state of our marriage.


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## daddy22 (Sep 16, 2008)

I see what your saying about only being friends but that's where it starts. You can say you'll just "be friends" but you need to stop the relationship with the other guy altogether and assess your marriage.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Yeah, this man may seem like a winner over your husband right now, hun, but it is because you want excitment in your life. If you leave your husband for this man, and the flame for this guy turns out to be only a little spark, then what? Yeah, the laughing and flirting is fun, but it may be not all you need to be happy. If you miss this with your husband, you both need to work on it, hun, because trying to get it from someone else doesn't always work like you hope it would. Go try to work it out first, then "if" you do leave, you can leave knowing that you both tried to work on things that are making you both unhappy, or in this case you.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

lonely_wife said:


> Thanks for the replies.. I cannot stop talking to this guy - he is the only person that can make me smile at the moment. We will not have an affair or relationship as he has already made it clear we are "just friends".
> I want a trial seperation so that I can see if I do actually miss my husband - but he wont go, he sleeps on the sofa and insists on making me feel guilty for being honest about the state of our marriage.



you are doing yourself & your marriage absolutely no good by continuing to talk to this guy. the "just friends" thing is how everything always starts. being "just friends" with someone is fine but if you are doing something that you would not do if your husband was standing right there, then it is wrong and more than "just friends!" in my opinion, any person of the opposite sex that gives you something your spouse should be giving you, especially when you are having problems & it is a secret, should not be considered a friend. a friend would actually tell you the truth while being supportive. the truth is that you need to make a decision if you want your marriage or not. bottom line! you owe that to yourself & to your marriage. you will be happier with the outcome & how you feel about yourself in the end if you are honest now. no more secrets!!!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


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## richardwagner (Sep 29, 2008)

Is this male friend single? i would be that he is based on your description of him. I would also bet that he only wants to get you in bed, no matter what he says.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

I thought he was after that so I asked him outright and told him he aint gettin it - he said he respects me and enjoys my company? He puts in a lot of effort if that's all he wants - we have been texting for 6 weeks and only been out once for 3 hours? He seems just a genuine guy and we just get on well - I always get on better with guys than girls - always have. My hubby has always been jealous type which is why I don't tell him thats all.

I have asked for trial seperation now and this guy is the only thing makin me smile at the moment, so it may end in tears but I can't be any more lonely that I already was.


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## richardwagner (Sep 29, 2008)

sent you a pm


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## Ladyinblue (Sep 18, 2008)

As for your romantic interest, I know it feels exciting, But, Jumping to the next greener pasture isn't always your best alternative to finding that new love feeling again.The feelings and emotions of being in love are like a drug. If you don't interject some common sense or reality to them, they can become just as dangerous. Most affairs start out as "friendships" but evolve into something else,but I'm sure you've heard that already.…I'm a bit confused though,You say you love him, just not "in-love" with him anymore and perhaps you never were? I think you seriously need to take a step back and ask yourself why you ever decided to marry a man you were not "in love" with in the first place and have a child with him?
:scratchhead:

At any rate, the decision is up to you. Your first commitment should always be to your husband and your family. If you feel you can't continue in that relationship, for whatever reason, then you "owe it" to your husband and your family to tell them so. I don't really advise continuing the relationship with your other romantic interest, as that doesn't leave you any better off than you already are. In fact, it may even present a worse situation down the road.

When a relationship is over it is a good idea to take personal time away from ANY romantic type of relationship or situation until you can take stock of what went wrong, how you can fix it for the future and what goals you have for your future. Don't just go with the flow because it's easy. You are at a time when you need to make some pretty important personal decisions. Don't rush through this and take the time to really make sure the choices you make are the best for EVERYONE involved, not just yourself....

LadyInBLue


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

wow lot's of good advice on here.

I am a flirty guy with lots a female friends, But you guys are to deep for a "friendship" this is a courtship.

daddy22 is rigth, if you want to save your amrriage you ahve to cut this guy off. If you DO NOT want to save your marriage and want it to end, then I would continue if it makes you happy.

I had a co-worker that stayed in a bad marriage for 10 years due to family and "what others would think" she finally divorced him, found a new guy at work, and is happy, nice to see her smiling again.

But you have to do what is best for you.

If you want to save your marriage, stop it with this guy and fix the marriage.

If you don't well....time to move on.

Personality connections are nice, but it won't last, you do need physical attraction, this guy would probably be just a fling.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

Thanks GA - It's nice to hear that someone has actually been happy after ending a marriage, it's finally given me some hope that 1 day I may find happiness again.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Several years ago, while working as a programmer, I had a lot of work. The company hired a girl to assist me. 

She was attrative and witty and could be as lewd as I was!  We got along together very well! 

We were friends and would often have lunch and a beer. 

One day after most of a year, she decided to take another employment offer. I was devastated!

We never got physical, but there was a definate and strong emotional attachment. (ooppss, forgot to mention she was married)

She didn't leave because of me, it was purely a job opportunity. 

I spent the final two weeks of her employment moping around the house. I told my wife about it and how I felt I was losing a friend. I think she finally realized how close the girl and I had become, but she also knew it wasn't physical. 

I finally got over it and have talked to the girl over the intervening years several times. 

If the opportunity had arisen (no pun intended  ), I would very likely have had an affair with her. Things were rocky at home and this girl felt right (oddly enough). 

So, it was an emotional affair, if not physical. Sure had an impact on me.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well DRIC I see that as just losing a good friend a "buddy" at work. You kept your boundries back then, and it sounds like you were just friends. When she left you were naturally hurt, you lost a buddy. I think you would ahve felt the same if it was a good male friend whom left. I would ahve not called that an emotional affair, you were never having phone sex or internet sex, etc. just hanging out with a friend.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

lonely_wife said:


> I thought he was after that so I asked him outright and told him he aint gettin it - he said he respects me and enjoys my company? He puts in a lot of effort if that's all he wants - we have been texting for 6 weeks and only been out once for 3 hours? He seems just a genuine guy and we just get on well - I always get on better with guys than girls - always have. My hubby has always been jealous type which is why I don't tell him thats all.
> 
> I have asked for trial seperation now and this guy is the only thing makin me smile at the moment, so it may end in tears but I can't be any more lonely that I already was.


Sweetheart, you could be worse off than you are now. You don't know this until it is too late.


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## TheLoveGuru's (Sep 29, 2008)

Have you tried to communicate your feelings to your husband? 

Do you feel that if those feelings were to come back (being in love), you would want to stay? 

Let him know how you feel. Be open and communicative with him. 

Also: Follow yourself. You know what you need to do for your happiness. But first, make sure you know what you need to know. Make sure, that there is no indecision, and this is what you want. The way to do this is to let go of distraction. Release emotional ties, and try to be by yourself for a while (meaning no new guy). See if this is just a result of the fun with him, or truly wanting to let go. 

Tita & Tibu


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

well we went out for drinks and clubbing and it was sooo good  We just kissed (alot) no sexy time. He declared his love for LOL and then txt next day to say we going away together in 2 weeks... my dad found out, told my mom, who told my hubby! I told new guy who has now gone cold! I did expect it to be like that and would have been fine if he hadn't said the things he said to me that nite - he was so nice. Is the saying true "A DRUNKEN MANS WORDS ARE A SOBER MANS THOUGHTS?"


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, I'd never heard that before, but it does make sense. Alcohol is a depressant/suppressant. It lowers the inhibitions. I tell people that if they want the bald truth from me to get me a couple of drinks!  But they usually don't have to since I'm willing to answer any question put to me (on any subject with which I'm cognizant). If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. Frankly, I'd steer clear of the new guy. The grass may be greener, but it may not. The only way to find out is irrevocable. If your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage (via counseling, etc.) then bail and start over. Move, change jobs, if you have to. You child is old enough to deal with it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lonely_wife said:


> "A DRUNKEN MANS WORDS ARE A SOBER MANS THOUGHTS?"


No that is why so many people wake up after a night of regrets. How many people take home someone to sleep with them that they never would sober? That they never would have a relationship with? Most people lie more when they are drunk.

draconis


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

Ms Lonely aren't you happy now??. and what makes you think you r gonna find happiness again and where and how??. Is marriage the only way you can find happiness??. what is happiness to you anyway ahve you ever asked yourself that question??. When you were single and free were you not happy??. 
I hope I am not being boring to you but had to ask.
Manny


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You know, I have a similar question (NOT trying to derail this thread!) -- why do hollywood people get married?!? 

If you want sex, get it! There's no shortage of partners! 

Does the marriage make it better? Only to divorce after a year or two? What's the point, unless you're the woman and are building your portfolio!  

That seems stupid, to me.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

I do enjoy the excitement and I know I have issues too. I want the "fun" but interpret it differently I think? I want to go out, have afew drinks, dance, maybe a kiss and then a few dates, etc. I dont't just want sex! It seems any "nice" guys really just want the sex! I want to go it alone but am worried that any guy that does show an interest will be after just one thing. The problem is I am now only considering staying in my marriage because I know he is a good guy and I am guaranteed not to get hurt with him...but I will always wonder who I may have met, how much fun I may have had... I may sound selfish but I settled down with him at 16 - he was 23 so had already done the fun and excitement - he won't even got o a theme park because "he has already done them years ago"


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lonely_wife said:


> I do enjoy the excitement and I know I have issues too. I want the "fun" but interpret it differently I think? I want to go out, have afew drinks, dance, maybe a kiss and then a few dates, etc. I dont't just want sex! It seems any "nice" guys really just want the sex! I want to go it alone but am worried that any guy that does show an interest will be after just one thing. The problem is I am now only considering staying in my marriage because I know he is a good guy and I am guaranteed not to get hurt with him...but I will always wonder who I may have met, how much fun I may have had... I may sound selfish but I settled down with him at 16 - he was 23 so had already done the fun and excitement - he won't even got o a theme park because "he has already done them years ago"


Then leave him and let him find someone worth him being a good guy too. I am sure many women would love to have what you are willing to give up.


draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I am with drac...

I replied to some of your other post rather harshly.

I really just think you need to figure out what you really want out of life.


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

Let me give you advice from someone who is on the other end. My wife is doing exactly what you are doing. She is having an emotional affair with another man who lives in another state. She believes she is in love with him. Also, she has told me that she despises me and can't stand me.

Now I don't know your situation or what your husband has or hasn't done to you. In my situation the birth of our son caused us to loose focus on our relationship. But what I do know is that having a relationship (emotional or physical) while still married is wrong and hurtful. 

Additionally, the way we act in life is a result of how we were raised and the experiences we've had as children. Have you ever really examined your feelings or tried to understand why you act and feel the way you do. Have you talked to a counselor or pshychiatrist to discuss this situation. 

It amazes me how people take the easy way out of situations. Rather than examining why they act the way they do, they just do whatever makes them happy, regardless of how it hurts others. You are a selfish person whether you realize it or not. I don't need to read your other posts to know that because it doesn't matter. You have the ability to choose. Either you try to figure out why you feel the way you do and maybe talk to someone that can help you gain clarity (not your loverboy). Or you end your marriage because it's unfair and inhumane to your husband. 

Marriage has just become some disposable because people just want to do what feels good. Read "The Road Less Traveled". Love is hard work..and life is not easy. Two key lessons your learn if you do read it. 

I'm sorry if my post seems nasty but honestly being through what I've been through, people who cheat disgust me. There is no excuse for cheating other than utter selfishness of the person cheating. Point blank.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So let me understand this. You are now 30 and feel like life is passing you by. You are bored with your husband who you say is a great guy. You are ready to bail out on your marriage to have "fun". You are right. Those "nice guys" are looking for sex. I am a guy and I know what men want. You think this is fun now. But someday it won't be fun anymore because the novelty will soon wear off. Say in about 4 years. Then you will be single, divorced and looking for a husband again. Most likely someone like your husband now. Problem is you will have competition. All those young women who didn't get married to there first loves like you. They will be in their 20s and will most likely clean your clock on trying to snare a good husband (like the one you have now). So you will most likely have to deal with what is left over. Say 40 to 50s, most likely divorced like you. They will have had all the commitment they wanted in their first marriage. So they won't want to go down that road again. So what is left. At this point you will have to go through a lot of frogs to find your second prince. And they are not going to waste any time with a 30 something if she is not going to put out. So lets say it takes 5 years to find that man (hopefully, a man like your husband). You are now 41 and on your second marriage. With some guy who (like you) cheated in their first marriage. About 2 to 3 years go by and the novelty of you has worn off. You're just not fun anymore. So they start hanging with the new 20 or 30 somethings and he kicks you to the curb. Now you are 40 something and the man pool has gotten even smaller. So you have to really start kissing a lot of frogs. All the time kicking yourself for ever divorcing your first love. Who by now has a new wife. A wife who will probably consider him a real find. A man who was with his first wife for 17 years until she wanted to have fun and cheated on him. Does this seem harsh to you? I mean all you want is to have a little fun. Right? And working on your marriage is a big hassle. You just don't feel the wifey thing anymore. Let me tell you this. If you leave your husband he will get over you. Because he is not the one who wanted out. You however will most likely regret your decision for the rest of your life. Now, go have some fun.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

One more observation. I love this part.

"It seems any "nice" guys really just want the sex! I want to go it alone but am worried that any guy that does show an interest will be after just one thing. The problem is I am now only considering staying in my marriage because I know he is a good guy and I am guaranteed not to get hurt with him"

"You're guaranteed not to get hurt with him". You mean like you have hurt him? When you wake up out of the fog you're in (if you do before it is to late) and look in the mirror at the cause of your marriages destruction, do you think you could post a picture of that face here? It would be a classic.


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

You need to think of your family instead of yourself. You are headed for so much hurt for yourself and your family. Stop your affair.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I haven't read many of your other threads, so maybe I'm off the mark. I think you've gotten a lot of harsh comments here. Your feelings make sense. You only live once and having gotten married at 16 years old really does cut you off at the knees in terms of experiencing some of life's things attheir fullest. Sure, some of those experiences will be tough/ bad ones, but some will be fun and amazing and exhilarating. There's nothing wrong with wanting to experience your life to the fullest when you've never done that before and when you feel your husband is not willing to work with you on that. A lot of people around here are ready to leave or divorce because of sex (count me in on that one) and yet are condemning you for wanting to feel like "you've lived".

Here are my suggestions to you:

If you love your husband (at least enough) and he truly is a nice guy and what you truly crave is fun and adventure, then go have those without him. Just skip the affairs (emotional or otherwise). But find some girlfriends to go to the club with you on the weekend (go to gay clubs and you avoid the potential for cheating) and dance your butt off. In the summers, head off to the amusement parks with friends or even your kid (at 13, he/she will love that). Think of the experiences that you feel you are missing and engage in those as much as possible and within the bounds of your marital commitment. Sure, there will be some things you won't be able to do that other people maybe got to do in their 20's (live alone in their bachelor pad, hooks ups at parties, experiment with drugs, etc). But, we ALL miss out on something - such is life and some of those things aren't all they're cracked up to be, so just mourn those and move on. But FUN .... you can have FUN!!!!! Make it happen. Don't put all that responsibility for your fun on your husband. Let him stay home and hold down the fort while you go bungee jumping LOL.

Now, if the actual problem is your husband. If the issue is that you don't love him anymore or married so young, you didn't even know what love really was and you regret (to an extent) having married him. If what you crave is a chance at finding true love and experiencing that love / sex thing everybody keeps talking about - but you're stuck in the "safety" of marriage to a "nice guy" ... well, I'm right there with you, girlfriend, and that one's a tougher deal. In all honesty, if I were only 30 y.o. and my kid was already 13, I would be much more likely to take the plunge and get back out there and date. Sure, you'll find the guys that only want sex (and maybe for a while, that may be all you want if you find a good lover ), but there are other nice guys out there. And, sure, you might not end up finding another long-term relationship person. You do take chances when you leave. But you take chances when you stay. No guarantees either way.

Anyway, my biggest point is: don't let other people tell you that your feelings of unhappiness in your relationship are somehow selfish or not legitimate. They absolutely are legitimate and just because you didn't come posting about a hubby how withholds sex or beats you up doesn't mean that you don't have a right to still feel the way you feel about him. Nice guys are safe. But safety sometimes feel like a slow, boring death in comparison to taking a chance at the real thing (even if you don't get it in the end ... at least you know you tried). Ok, I'm talking to myself as much as to you on that last line LOL.


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## lonely_wife (Sep 28, 2008)

Thanks Ms Lady...I did leave and have been havin fun but the guilt is unbearable! He has a new girlfried but refuses to let go of me...no maintenance, wont give his keys back, spreads harsh rumours, tells ou daughter and my parents a lot of lies and calls me a ****! To be honest this behavour just reminded me of what our first 5 years together was like and that actaully he never was such a nice guy!! Alot of people have judged me on here and got me completely wrong! I feel like a scared 17 year old going alone in a big world...all I want is love and happiness - which I know I will probably never find!
I have considered taking him back to make life easier for him and also so my daughter has finacial security like we had before...I feel sorry for him and want to look after him but the thort of being alone in a room for hours or sleeping with him makes me cringe!
I have put up with a lot from him in the past..he has a temper! only 6 months ago he pushed me over outside a pub...he used to tell me how fat and ugly I was and how he wished I was dead! He has beed the perfect husband for 7 years but this is only since he almost died, I saved his life and cared for him! Until then he made me feel like a no-one - worthless!
Since being "single" I am shocked at how attractive men find me? peple ask me out all the time and 2 people have "fallen" for me big time and it was me that couldn't cope with a proper relationship at the moment.
I now know how much I missed out on while with him yet still think it would be easier to go back to my old life and miss out once again.
Please do not judge anyone else like you have all judged me because until you know the full story its impossible to know how a person is feeling


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

"The problem is I am now only considering staying in my marriage because I know he is a good guy and I am guaranteed not to get hurt with him"

We only know what you chose to share. Your first description of your husband was 180 degrees different then your last post. You did not mention verbal of physical abuse. All we knew was that he was a good guy. And that you seemed to be moving mindlessly into situations that further endangered your marriage. Now that you have made the decision to go and sew your wild oats. Please don't get into a serious relationship until you have sought I/C. Regarding your husband not letting go. You will be tied to him for as long as you have a daughter together. and the financial security of your daughter is one of the trade offs you accepted (even if you didn't think about it) when you split with your husband. If this seems harsh or judgmental to you it was due to people caring about your marriage to a "good guy". 

Faithful are the wounds of a friend.

An enemy will stab you in your back. A friend will stab you (tell you the truth) in the front.


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## John1972 (Oct 1, 2009)

Well I am afraid of the trial separation as you have stated you are asking for. I am afraid of never finding anyone to love again, not to mention some guy raising my children when she gets custody??

Your rebound type courtship might be obscuring your views of your marriage......


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