# Have you been more conservative with money than the men in your life?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I didn't put this in the finance section because I wanted to compare my experience as a man to that of women.

I'm very conservative with money and almost all of the women I have been involved with have been much more liberal with money than me. I have trouble sleeping at night unless I have at least two or three years of living expenses saved.

Have the men you ladies have dated throughout your lives been savers or spenders compared to yourself? I think I perceive women as spenders because I'm a huge saver and straight so women will seem like that to me but most men are probably just as careless.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm in charge of all of our finances. H isn't a spender, but he is a procrastinator, which resulted in late payments or a shortage of insurance and investments. I'm just more organized and fairly good at longtime planning.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ntamph said:


> Have the men you ladies have dated throughout your lives been savers or spenders compared to yourself? I think I perceive women as spenders because I'm a huge saver and straight so women will seem like that to me but most men are probably just as careless.


 I am a little tighter over my husband - when it comes to spending ...only in the fact...He's a very giving Father- enjoys making his kids happy...so he would give in/ cave ..quicker than I...if they wanted something in the store, for example... 

So he lets me be the "Bad guy" saying "NO" ...and that's fine... I don't care...I just weigh what they want to the use I foresee they will get out of it...

I believe it's a good thing to have some "anticipation" for what we desire...helps us appreciate things more so...I've never been an impulsive buyer .. I am careful to seek out the best deals possible...to get the most for our $$. 

My husband says of me >> "My wife can squeeze a dime out of a nickle" ... He is the breadwinner ...(I only bring in maybe $4,000 a year)... .but I handle all the finances of our larger family.... He probably hasn't written a check in 10 yrs... we discuss every large purchase together... this has always been our Way.. For us both... being in debt would make us feel like this *>>* 



> *ntamph said*: I have trouble sleeping at night unless I have at least two or three years of living expenses saved.


 I could sleep.... but I'd be anxious to build our savings up again....the only time in our marriage we exhausted ALL of our savings was to get into our Dream house...(16 yrs ago now)... ...I remember feeling vulnerable ...like we were financially naked... ...until we started building it back up again... a "peace of mind" comes with this. 

Unrelated - but I kinda like this saying >>


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm more conservative with money than my husband.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

At the beginning of our marriage I was the spendthrift of our partnership, now as old age beckons the roles have become somewhat reversed and my wife is more spendthrift than me.

I'm always seeing a new parcel arriving from Amazon or similar.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you want a woman who isn't a spender become more aware.

Women like me don't wear designer shoes, carry designer handbags, don't have the latest technology, we drive economy cars and we don't pay a ton to get our hair done.

My husband is a reformed spender and the signs were there before we married. New car, new furniture, nice clothes, ate out all the time = spender. 

I say reformed because he's matured and we're both more balanced now.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> If you want a woman who isn't a spender become more aware.
> 
> Women like me don't wear designer shoes, carry designer handbags, don't have the latest technology, we drive economy cars and we don't pay a ton to get our hair done.
> 
> ...




Yes I think this is me, I always wanted a bigger boat, bigger car, bigger holiday (vacation) etc nowadays I find I curb my impulsive spending by waiting. I then find that the 'thing' I had to have is really just an unnecessary luxury.


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

I have been the more conservative one when it comes to our fiances and sometimes have to tell him no on things that he thinks he wants/needs. I have to agree with OP, that unless I know we have extra for a rainy day, we do without.

We are now on a fixed income and that can be a challenge, once you get to a certain point, you have to ask yourself, do I really need this, or do I *want* it and that will answer the question if you have to have it or not.. 99% of the time, it's a want and not a true need.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So ntamph...you really sound like a great catch and I'm not sure why you don't feel like one. Hopefully you will one day.

All you have to do is be very discerning when dating. A person's financial picture will come to light if you like them enough to get far enough into the relationship to have those types of discussions.

My H and I discussed finances when we were dating. It doesn't sound very sexy, but it actually was.

You don't get to those discussions until you are fairly committed. So first you have to get through just the attraction phase, deciding you like them enough to move forward, and so on. I think my H and I discussed finances the very first time at around the 6 - 10 month mark.

Then after a year or two, we were having more and more convos about it. We didn't combine our any of our finances until we moved in together at about the 4 year mark. We had most of our convos about it at that time (splitting the bills, making budgets). We still didn't combine our debts or assets, just our expenses.

When we married we had more discussions and combined everything. Now we have long term planning meetings, retirement discussions, all those fun grown up talks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So what I forgot to add was...there are women who are savers like you are, you just have hold your standards at that level while dating and not pursue people who aren't like minded. That is what I meant about being discerning. But rest assured, yes, some women are big time savers.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

We're both equally tightwads. Actually most of the men I dated before I met my husband were spenders compared to me. 

We're both savers. If we get a bonus or some kind of raise, we usually try to save a good portion of it. He is so careful with money he has spreadsheets to track his spending and investments. 

The only debt we really have is a bit of a student loan for my husband for his university education and our mortgage. We buy things for cash a lot of the time like our car. The thought of owing payments to someone bothers me. The mortgage is a necessity since there's no way we could pay cash for the home we have now, but I really try to minimize owing money whenever I can. 

Whilst I don't know exactly how much my friends save, if I had to speculate, I would think we as a couple save more than they do. We both contribute to retirement plans, save for college, paid off our mortgage so the payment is "only" a couple hundred dollars a month now. If I'm offered overtime at work, I'll take it and bank that money in my rainy day fund. 

I do like nice bags and watches, but I end up getting those from my husband as a anniversary or Christmas gift. While I would love to have a luxury car, we do fine with economy models. Same thing with clothes. I have one or two expensive outfits for work that I bought from a high end store, but the vast majority of my clothing comes from the mall.


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## *MiMi* (Mar 6, 2013)

We are both frugal, but I believe I am more frugal than my husband. I'll be "tight," he can be "wad." 

He makes really good money, and I still price match and use coupons. We're similar to Coffee Amore in the sense that we buy most things in cash, and really only owe debt on our home. When we get our tax returns each year, we immediately divide it in half for our two children and stash it in their bank accounts (we figure they are the reason we get the return in the first place). They are 3 and 4 and already have college paid for. We have our own savings that we just contribute to with each paycheck.

I've never really had expensive taste. I just kind of grew up that way. I am one of five kids, and my father never made a ton of money. My mother was a stay-at-home mom (as am I). I do hope I can set a similar example to my kids.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

I will admit was a spender back in my 20s. I dated another spender for several years and I could see early on that the relationship was doomed in part because of it. 

Then I met my H, who was a big time saver. I think we were a perfect fit because he curtailed some of my spending and I helped him to loosen up and learn to enjoy money a little. 

I know equal numbers of men and women who are careless with their finances, but still the stereotype of the woman spender persists. 

After 17 years of marraige the tables have turned a bit for us. I'm not much of a spender anymore. I'm great at talking myself out of buying this or that and my H is the one convincing me why I should.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm the saver and more conservative.

He helps me loosen up a bit and enjoy what the savings can bring.

I like the balance we seem to have found between us. My saving has helped us financially, his willingness to take risks has also helped us. Despite our different natures, our goals are still aligned.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

In my 20s and 30s, I did not save, but did not go over budget.

Now I am a saver with the motive of retirement and fret if an emergency fund doesn't have a certain amount. Even when barely scraping by, I will get at least $5 over purchase every time I go to the store for the E fund. It adds up fast.

With all men in my life, I was the one who would put more thought into a big purchase. We always had an agreement to discuss purchases over $100.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I was with a spendthrift who ruined my credit and ruined my late teens.
Then I was with a money hungry control freak tightwad.

Now I'm with a man who understands the concept of save some,spend some.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was the more conservative one in my marriage. My parents saved a LOT, focused on quality vs. quantity, did not build a huge house because they knew it was unnecessary. They paid off the house in 15 years, retired at 55 and paid cash for an expedition. For all I know they are millionaires. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. But they focused on the value of the dollar and hard work.

My ex on the other hand, thought he had to show off and impress people - he said he had to "look successful" to impress people and gain their trust to build his business. He bought a mercedes at 25% interest, mortgaged us to the hilt, we bought 2 houses... it all looked great from the outside while I bought cheap fabric to recover 20-year-old sofas. He wouldn't entertain because he wanted the house to be perfect on the inside. Then he bought a boat. Yes I had to sign stuff but my signing wasn't an option. (OK so it was and I let myself be intimidated by a NPD bully.)

I left him and started over w/ 2 houses in foreclosure (one was rental) and nothing but a car payment. Now I own my own house, my car, a nice retirement account and carry minimal debt. I am by FAR more responsible with my finances and now that I see how it can ruin someone, I don't mind a pre-nup at all - in fact, I expect it.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I was the more conservative one in my marriage. My parents saved a LOT, focused on quality vs. quantity, did not build a huge house because they knew it was unnecessary. They paid off the house in 15 years, retired at 55 and paid cash for an expedition. For all I know they are millionaires. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. But they focused on the value of the dollar and hard work.


I really like this.

The two books that I base my finances on:

The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy: Thomas J. Stanley, William D. Danko: 9781589795471: Amazon.com: Books

The Only Investment Guide You'll Ever Need: Andrew Tobias: 9780547447254: Amazon.com: Books


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

My ex was a saver and very good with money, I have never really been a saver but don't live outside my means either. I am not a shopper or spendthrift but my money goes to living a nice lifestyle as well as for my future.

TBH I am probably more clever with regards to money and investing than all of my partners have been. Ex was good but a little to risk adverse to make the sort of gains I prefer. But we led a very good life, kids in private schools, travel, multiple investment properties blah blah.

I have always been very independent when it comes to money though and have always paid my own way or done my share. I do drive a luxury car and am wealthy but I don't wear designer clothes or waste money on "stuff". If anything I am an anti consumer.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm perfectly happy to "dine out" at a taco bar or a modest vegan restaurant that's a bit campy, or to pack a picnic but it seems the men in my life like to buy fancy meals for me. At home, things changed, they spent money on toys - boats, bicycles, beer, trucks meanwhile leaving me to shoulder the housekeeping costs (food, furniture, appliances, gardens, livestock, tractors...things that benefited the family not just me.)

I suspect there is a type of man that hoards money to be able to control women, and there is another type of man who genuinely saves money and develops a rainy day and retirement plan out of love and concern for his family unit which is very near and dear to him. That is what I do now as a single woman, though I am not so strict with myself as to avoid bona fide holidays or investments in self (education, sometimes a bit of lower paid work that gains valuable experience) and the odd movie or night out at the social dance club. 

I have a long term plan of buying a home soon, have not owned one since just before the market fell in 2005, when I sold two properties within a month of each other, favorably so. Tonight I ate spaghetti with some sauce the neighbor gave me from a stash she got from some food donation program. Yummy! 

Family vacation is camping. 

I dunno, I think there is a tendency of woman who do not earn as much as the men in their lives to feel more free to spend that money, or to assume that the man has everything taken care of and so their money is "fluffier" than the man's? You're in the dating world, it's a whole different economy it seems?

I think men do tend to be more worried about money and try to save more, and be more conservative in some respects. There is the social pressure of being to blame if the family falls short and needs to apply for social assistance which, let's face it, is brutal socially in our awesome country of USA, versus, say, somewhere like Australia or Scandinavia. Of course, as we can see on TAM this is not a universal male thing. And some women take it quite seriously as well, though I think there is less stigma for a woman who's unemployed or underemployed to go for social services (SNAP, ChIP) for the kids than there is for a man to. It's more or less expected, a woman with kids applying for services, but pity the poor man who waits in the land of plastic chairs and linoleum floors waiting to go to the little window in the glass wall...the women who are waiting will smother him with their suspicion and loathing! (Perhaps an exaggeration of course.) Probably there is a double standard...in this respect women could on the whole be more stalwart in finances, and men should be able to have some leeway. Baby steps!

I would not focus too much on money in dating. You can send signals about your "money management style" in the types of dates you go on and how you present yourself. Women who are not interested will move on, no worries.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

ntamph said:


> I really like this.
> 
> The two books that I base my finances on:
> 
> ...


I like the millionaire next door book. That fits my parents. They look very middle class, but when you factor in their assets, they're millionaires. They're like Enjoli's parents. They can save like no one else I know. They don't drive flashy cars or wear expensive clothing, but they can drop $35k in cash for something without hurting. They put in an upgrade to their home that others would have to finance. That kind of financial stability impresses me more than a Rolex watch or a fully loaded Mercedes. I'm not saying the watch or car wouldn't catch my eye, but I'd rather be able to pay in full for something on my own than pay someone in installments. But that's how I roll.

Where I work, my employer matches the 401k contributions 100% up to a certain limit and there are still people who won't contribute to their 401k! There are many reputable funds from which you can choose, and yet people won't invest even say 3% of their salary. I find that so shocking. This is free money they're turning down.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Coffee Amore said:


> I like the millionaire next door book. That fits my parents. They look very middle class, but when you factor in their assets, they're millionaires. They're like Enjoli's parents. They can save like no one else I know. They don't drive flashy cars or wear expensive clothing,* but they can drop $35k in cash for something without hurting. *


 That's a really *BIG* chunk....This would be A LOT for us considering my husband's income...I think I'd be sick. 

Though last year we paid cash for a $12,000 retaining wall project, then a few months later...bought a used Utility vehicle for almost $4,000 - then turned around and bought a $5,000 shed..a week later... that's the most we've EVER dished out in cash..in a such a short amount of time.... they were all things we have wanted for awhile..it was a good feeling to just "go for it' when we found the deals, or what we wanted....as really...that's what it's there for ...

Now we're getting our house re-wired, this could be a little costly...our families safety is #1...thankfully...we have it covered....whatever the cost. 



> They put in an upgrade to their home that others would have to finance. That kind of financial stability impresses me more than a Rolex watch or a fully loaded Mercedes. I'm not saying the watch or car wouldn't catch my eye, *but I'd rather be able to pay in full for something on my own than pay someone in installments.*


 This is how we feel also... we've never taken out a layaway, have never borrowed or paid interest on anything except the house we live in now. 



> *Where I work, my employer matches the 401k contributions 100% up to a certain limit and there are still people who won't contribute to their 401k! * There are many reputable funds from which you can choose, and yet people won't invest even say 3% of their salary. *I find that so shocking. This is free money they're turning down*.


 They are so lucky to be able to get it matched.. we wish it was like that where my husband works.. .yes... shocking some would turn this down.. We have no matching -it's just what he puts in (out of his paycheck)....a slower growing for sure...

I don't think any of the other guys at his work place even started one...we did it shortly after he got hired.... sometimes I think if I buried the money, we'd have more than the rate it is growing though... we even pay a little extra (1%) to have the thing managed....we've been a little disgusted with it's growth, considering how much we have put in over the years. I don't know.


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