# What to do



## NE-Blue (May 5, 2009)

Together over 19 years, married 18 years, 4 kids all under the age of 14.

Live comfortably, and can afford some pleasures in life (at least one family vacation a year, most times two, new cars, relatively nice house, etc.).

Me - gainfully employed, make a decent salary supporting family. Wife - started working part time in the local school district and likes the job (sub/teacher's aid).

Problem - we've been growing apart for several years, and seems like there is nothing left between us. There is no intimacy. Sex is practically non-existant, about once a month, not without me trying for more. Which sucks because she is a knockout and when she's into it - great sex. So, its like having a Porche without the keys.

Kids seem to be her primary focus, and she is the primary caregiver as her schedule affords that. 

We've always had problems, which I blamed alot on her anger issues. She never really expresses hurt or grief - it always came out and comes out as anger (which could be very explosive at times). After 8 years of marriage (late '90s) I had had it, and was about to walk out (this after repeated emotional - and sometimes physical - abuse from her, i.e., "I'll leave you and you'll never see the kids again"), she agreed to do something. Result - she takes a very low dose of prozac which substantially turned things around and things were great, until the last 2 or 3 years. 

Personality wise, I'm not confrontational, and for the most part supportive. Probably too supportive, i.e., passive. I try to do whatever she wants me to do to fix things, or say I'm sorry or I was wrong.

One of our biggest issues which she admits she has not forgiven me for was my backing out of a move cross country (from the northeast to the southwest coast) -- and I was the one who planted that seed. The area would have had many things that she desired - access to incredible scenic areas (within 1-2 hour drive), ocean, bigger, nicer, newer house, and substantially lower population (we live in the NYC metro area, not the city, but just outside). 

I backed out because several stressful situations occured at work that I took really personal (possible mistakes that could have cost a client considerably), so much so, that I spiraled downward (not so much depression as anxiety), that I would lose my job, lose my income, lose my house etc....even the worse thoughts came to mine.

Through some anti-axiety drugs, talking with friends (wife was not that supportive) and meditation, I came back. And in retrospect, I totally overreacted. While it may be possible to attempt the move again, there are too many reasons I think we should stay - especially since my kids are all in jr. high. Plus, I really like the people i work with in the local office.

But I took the move off the table when I was suffering as I told her that it would have been the last straw on the camel's back. While initially not having a problem with that, months later (and now its been 2 years), in angry outbursts she brings it up.

I've advocated seeking counseling, which she has refused as she said she is the "work it out yourself type". I said that's great if you are right, and that if you are right, then there is nothing to lose. Her last txt msg to me on that, "sorry, not interested".

So, I'm going to see a therapist on my own. 

What I'm feeling: leave her and the marriage, deal with emotional issues with the kids

What I feel is right: work it out (preferably through a therapist) as no matter who you are with - there will be problems

Don't know which way to go, and what is right/wrong and which way is up.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have nothing to lose by giving it time, time to work with a therapist and decide what you really want. A good counselor will help you reach a decision you can live with. It's very difficult if your wife won't get help; maybe you will have to issue an ultimatum, but not necessarily right now. Stay in touch; this group has a lot of good suggestions.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Consider reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". I believe you'll find it helpful.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm glad to hear that you are gonna see someone. It really helps sort your thoughts from someone unjudgemental. Take if from me, it is a big help!

It is really hard to work on a marriage by yourself. I'm trying it and find it extremely frustrating. I don't want a divorce, but my husband says he does. However, I believe he has serious doubts. (long story).

Give it some time. Work on yourself. Then make a decision. There are RIGHT ways to go about things to lessen the blow to the kids.


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