# Emotional Roller Coaster is hurting our R



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Does anyone else go through this? Thanks to TAM I am understanding "what" is going on and "why." However my H is trying to be supportive, but also very frustrated. 

We had an amazing weekend R trip. Then we return have a "good" evening, then a "bad" evening, then a "good" evening...you get it! We equally are frustrated at the ups & downs.

I sobbed until 3 am and he went to bed. I literally thought I'm splitting tomorrow bc I can't handle this. Then as soon as I see him the next day I break down and think I can't live without him??? I've NEVER in my life been so unstable. 

Should I hide when I'm feeling like this so he doesn't get upset too? I'm truly afraid I'm pushing him away. We are in full R and he has been working hard too (baby steps-but trying).


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry you're ride on the emotional roller coaster is a rough one. We've all been there. 

No, do not hide your feelings. He cheated, he needs to be supportive, that's part of the R process. It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. What you're feeling is very normal. I'm almost 2 years out and I still have triggers every once in a while and bad days.

This is why R is so difficult under even the best of circumstances.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

I am the WS in our marriage. Yes the roller coaster sucks. Almost two years out for us. The good times are the best we've had in the marriage, the bad ones scare the hell out of me. Currently at the bottom of the roller coaster because of her triggers and my poor response to them. I often wish I could go back to the days of very little sex, little communication, no fighting (because we were both just existing)...at least then I could say I wasn't a cheater.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

If you both work on R with full support, WS to do the heavy lifting, there is a good chance of making it.

It has already been 2 years. The first year usually is horrible. Since you have done already 2 years, bond once again. Trust and move on.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Does anyone else go through this? Thanks to TAM I am understanding "what" is going on and "why." However my H is trying to be supportive, but also very frustrated.
> 
> We had an amazing weekend R trip. Then we return have a "good" evening, then a "bad" evening, then a "good" evening...you get it! We equally are frustrated at the ups & downs.
> 
> ...


Ingalls its like we are living parallel lives. But sometimes he takes a few steps back because he is unsure of what the right thing to do is at the time. My emotions can be extreme. Im ok one minute and a wreck the next....


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I feel like it's all on my shoulders to be strong. It's this thinking though that got me to where I am today and I HATE today. So I have to stop being in denial and rug sweeping. I haven't faced my multiple emotions/demons and now they are worse and like a huge storm. My WS should be working harder than what I am working-and that aggravates me.

CTU: I read your post's and think the exact same thing. I have always been told we have a twin somewhere...but this ISN'T the twin I was picturing or hoping for


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tritorn 1984 has to do more heavy lifting. And I note that he wants to go back in time. Things you are saying "little sex", "communication issues" etc are not the reasons for your waywardness.
If these issues have been the reasons for your dissatisfaction in marriage, you could have discussed them with your spouse. Could have taken counseling...

But, you chose to cheat. Own it up. I think she is right in feeling that you are not remorseful.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ingalls, all I can say is man oh man. I had sent a private message to a friend on here and he asked me to tell everyone what I am going through and doing so I can get some help. 

I am done. My WS has done almost everything right in the past two months. But I am done. I have told my WS what I am doing. Tonight when I go home (I live an work in another city during the week and we are in the process of buying a second house), I am leaving my cell phone in my dresser. I am turning over all passwords and accounts to her (all the ones I took from her) to include FB, her secret accounts etc. I have given her full access to her computer (no monitoring). I asked her to change all the passwords to our accounts so I do not have access. I told her I am sick and tired of monitoring her and will never do it again. I told her I am sorry for interferring in her love life with other men. I said I will never ask her what she is doing or where she is. I said you are free to do whatever you want with whom ever. I said I will come home on weekends, do things around the house and will continue moving forward on our new house and that is it.

She told me that she does not agree with this that I did what any other husband would have done. I said, I apologize for breaking up your relationships and that I do not care what you do. I said I will remain squeaky clean and that she can live in an open marriage. She said I do not want it. I said I don't care what you want I do not care. Yesterday she kept calling me and telling me she loves me and is making my favorite food. I said if it is to change my mind forget it. I said I am done going crazy trying to figure this stuff out and monitroing you. I do not want access to anything that I can use to monitor you. I told her I will only be on my computer at work for the most part. She said I like talking to you during the day and in the evenings. I said after Friday there will be no more phone for me. I said you will have to call me at the office when I am not busy.

I said I am going to start tanning (never did it before), get a new hair color (I am grey) and not initiate contact with her during the week. 

I am done with this crap. Done.

I almost had a panic attack on Tuesday and that started all this.

Honestly, if she is on the straight and narrow I hopes she will continue to do so. If this pushes her back to doing things again I don't care.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

thornburn how long has it been for you since you found out?


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

AngryandUsed said:


> Tritorn 1984 has to do more heavy lifting. And I note that he wants to go back in time. Things you are saying "little sex", "communication issues" etc are not the reasons for your waywardness.
> If these issues have been the reasons for your dissatisfaction in marriage, you could have discussed them with your spouse. Could have taken counseling...
> 
> But, you chose to cheat. Own it up. I think she is right in feeling that you are not remorseful.


I hope you listen better than you read...... I said I was a coward and chose to cheat. I did not say she doesn't think I am remorseful. Part of the current issue is that when she triggers and I get down or depressed along with her which she says makes things worse. I want what I can never have again.....something I stole from her and now will wear forever....... my faithfulness. So yeah sometimes I wish I could turn back time. Crucify me for that if you want.

There was talk about some of our issues prior to me cheating, yet it still does not excuse the fact that I did cheat.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> thornburn how long has it been for you since you found out?



D-day was Nov. 29 2011


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

triton1984 said:


> I hope you listen better than you read...... I said I was a coward and chose to cheat. I did not say she doesn't think I am remorseful. Part of the current issue is that when she triggers and I get down or depressed along with her which she says makes things worse. I want what I can never have again.....something I stole from her and now will wear forever....... my faithfulness. So yeah sometimes I wish I could turn back time. Crucify me for that if you want.
> 
> There was talk about some of our issues prior to me cheating, yet it still does not excuse the fact that I did cheat.


Now I understand what you meant...and I think that is what my H is saying too?? He JUST NOW is saying that he wishes he didn't do anything or say he wasn't sure if he loved me or not, but that it is what it is and we have to move forward not looking back at all the bad choices he made. I wish too!!!! I wish that I would have stopped pretending we were perfect and actually fixed the issues so that he didn't go where he went with our relationship. 

NOW with that being said...I need and want HIM to take up the slack and hold me and reassure me when I am on the downside of the coaster-make sense? Instead of now where it just pushes him away.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

"NOW with that being said...I need and want HIM to take up the slack and hold me and reassure me when I am on the downside of the coaster-make sense? Instead of now where it just pushes him away."

Yes it does, she is saying the same thing, and like I said to Angryandused....I too need to listen better. Thanks for that


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> D-day was Nov. 29 2011


well I'm no counselor, but I can tell you are fed up (exactly where I was 2 nights ago) but it sounds like you will still be miserable in your scenario??? IMO do a full split or keep trying as is and maybe try to change the frequency of how often you check on her things.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I feel like it's all on my shoulders to be strong. It's this thinking though that got me to where I am today and I HATE today. So I have to stop being in denial and rug sweeping. I haven't faced my multiple emotions/demons and now they are worse and like a huge storm. My WS should be working harder than what I am working-and that aggravates me.
> 
> CTU: I read your post's and think the exact same thing. I have always been told we have a twin somewhere...but this ISN'T the twin I was picturing or hoping for


no kidding. I feel the same way, like I am working harder than he is. Like he doesnt get the full scale of the damage. I think he's trying, he just hasnt experienced this kind of pain so he cant access it, ya know. He's never lost a loved one, never really experienced grief. Yes he's hurting but I dont think its even close for the WS as it is for the BS because they have all of the peices. They didnt live with a stranger in an allusion as we did. They knew the score so to speak all along so the impact is not the same. Every morning when I wake up I am instantly in a full blown panic. Heart racing, mind on overdrive panic. Cant eat, Only sleep intermittenly. I just had NO idea it would hit me this hard.


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

Ingalls, et al, I'm going through the emotional roller coaster too. My wife was initially frustrated with my ping-ponging and non-stop ups and downs. I found this (I'm sure many know it well), sent it to her, and she thanked me and told me she understood now. Since, she has been amazingly supportive and patient.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430754

I honestly don't know why this isn't a sticky yet.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

triton1984 said:


> I am the WS in our marriage. Yes the roller coaster sucks. Almost two years out for us. The good times are the best we've had in the marriage, the bad ones scare the hell out of me. Currently at the bottom of the roller coaster because of her triggers and my poor response to them. I often wish I could go back to the days of very little sex, little communication, no fighting (because we were both just existing)...at least then I could say I wasn't a cheater.


First thing is you need to stop thinking those thoughts. They are a block to R. You can't go back and the more you think about how you wish you could the less you can focus on moving forward.

When Ingalls triggers you cannot worry about what not to do. Even though you are the WS you need to lead. When she triggers you have to suck it up and start going to work. Let me ask you. If you are depressed do you call in sick? Do you hesitate or do you do what you have to because *you have to*. This is when you grab your set and focus. This is the hard part and you have to be up for the challenge.

Ingalls, do not hold anything in. When you feel something let it out. If you hold it in you are building resentment. When you hold it in you push triton away. Scream if you want to. Whatever.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for help & advice.... I feel like I should say that my spouse isnt on TAM! Maybe, or maybe not, it appears like it-I just wanted to clarify  haha

Triton try to listen and help your wife...sounds like u have been but a little more time hangin there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Ingalls, all I can say is man oh man. I had sent a private message to a friend on here and he asked me to tell everyone what I am going through and doing so I can get some help.
> 
> I am done. My WS has done almost everything right in the past two months. But I am done. I have told my WS what I am doing. Tonight when I go home (I live an work in another city during the week and we are in the process of buying a second house), I am leaving my cell phone in my dresser. I am turning over all passwords and accounts to her (all the ones I took from her) to include FB, her secret accounts etc. I have given her full access to her computer (no monitoring). I asked her to change all the passwords to our accounts so I do not have access. I told her I am sick and tired of monitoring her and will never do it again. I told her I am sorry for interferring in her love life with other men. I said I will never ask her what she is doing or where she is. I said you are free to do whatever you want with whom ever. I said I will come home on weekends, do things around the house and will continue moving forward on our new house and that is it.
> 
> ...


Have you talked to a counselor lately? Who have you discussed this with?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I feel like it's all on my shoulders to be strong. It's this thinking though that got me to where I am today and I HATE today. So I have to stop being in denial and rug sweeping. I haven't faced my multiple emotions/demons and now they are worse and like a huge storm. My WS should be working harder than what I am working-and that aggravates me.
> 
> CTU: I read your post's and think the exact same thing. I have always been told we have a twin somewhere...but this ISN'T the twin I was picturing or hoping for


Ingalls, Do you feel like everything he has ever told you is a lie? Even though youre sure that isnt so, its just like youve been standing in quick sand w/o knowing....And all of the sudden(DDay you started to sink) I ask b/c at times thats how I feel and our posts are so similar.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Ingalls, Do you feel like everything he has ever told you is a lie? Even though youre sure that isnt so, its just like youve been standing in quick sand w/o knowing....And all of the sudden(DDay you started to sink) I ask b/c at times thats how I feel and our posts are so similar.


Most definitely. Really any information I have I had to either catch him or beat it out of him! So if I haven't asked the specific (or correct) question I don't really know everything involved with the EA.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Most definitely. Really any information I have I had to either catch him or beat it out of him! So if I haven't asked the specific (or correct) question I don't really know everything involved with the EA.


right. But I didnt even mean just about the EA. I mean in general. Since he spent so much time lying to me about her....I figure its not the only thing he has lied about. Cant be. So It makes me feel like a good part of my life is bullsh*t


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Thanks for help & advice.... I feel like I should say that my spouse isnt on TAM! Maybe, or maybe not, it appears like it-I just wanted to clarify  haha
> 
> Triton try to listen and help your wife...sounds like u have been but a little more time hangin there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Triton,She may ask the same thing over and over. She needs to. I cant explain it but it part of what you as the BS have to do to help us move forward and it is a lengthy process. You broke it, you gotta fix it.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> right. But I didnt even mean just about the EA. I mean in general. Since he spent so much time lying to me about her....I figure its not the only thing he has lied about. Cant be. So It makes me feel like a good part of my life is bullsh*t


Yay I see what you mean; yes! That is what gets me going back and forth with the rollercoaster bc I can't spend the 2nd part of my life wondering if what he is saying is truth. I want/need the trust rebuilt and I'm fighting that internally.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Yay I see what you mean; yes! That is what gets me going back and forth with the rollercoaster bc I can't spend the 2nd part of my life wondering if what he is saying is truth. I want/need the trust rebuilt and I'm fighting that internally.


yeah. I just still am being murdered by the triggers. How about you?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> yeah. I just still am being murdered by the triggers. How about you?


YES. I have MC today (first session) with H and this weekend felt like 10 days vs 2 days. I know others have said on her to not hide when I'm feeling the emotions but if I hadn't kept quiet our entire weekend would have been consumed with me triggering and crying. I am hoping to address this today. I can't keep going day by day like this.


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## Lokum (Mar 10, 2012)

I found out on December 2011 that my boyfriend (together for 6 years, living together 4) cheated me last summer (spent around 5 days in a wonderful trip at another country with a girl (foreigner, friend of a friend) while I was working hard and could not join them. 
She had a boyfriend too, but also my boyfriend told her that we have broken up. We had problems but never broke up in a way he told her and after he returned, he kept "working on us", while chatting with her for one month and missing her. 
He says there was no sex, just sleeping in one bed and kissing (because of feeling of guilt by both of them), but still one month after their trip they were chatting online and sending messages how they miss eachother and how they should meet again. 
I have been pretty calm these 3 months according to the situation, I did not get in major depression as my relationship is just part of my life (and I am happy in other parts of my life), but I really have that feeling of happiness at one moment and a wish to blame him for everything at the other moment. 

The same, I am not planning to check everything he does now, but on other hand when I got the bad mood, I do not trust him, I want to check everything and find more truth and blame blame blame.
He is feeling very bad about what he did, but I guess it would really help me more to see him showing regret more. I got the thought of his affair every day. I doubt its on his mind as much as mine. 
He expects me to trust him and not control anything ( hiding under term " privacy"). 
So for me the biggest problem is really how to let it go normally without up and downs. If I would be a depressed all the time, he would see more that its not ok. But I am not like that. I treat normally and seem happy I believe, untill I break down and become a psycho  
So I want to thank everyone here, I read TAM almost every day and learn from experiences how to balance everything and its nice to know in some way that its a normal stage after finding the truth. And my boyfirend also often treat the same, when I mention it, he gets so sad that it seems that I am stronger over here and should not mention it at all. 
Finding balance is the hardest part. And forgiving.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> YES. I have MC today (first session) with H and this weekend felt like 10 days vs 2 days. I know others have said on her to not hide when I'm feeling the emotions but if I hadn't kept quiet our entire weekend would have been consumed with me triggering and crying. I am hoping to address this today. I can't keep going day by day like this.


did the MC offer any answers as to how/why he could reconcile loving you and cheating on you???


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Honestly..no!
I am more confused now as ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Honestly..no!
> I am more confused now as ever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


did you ask and didnt get a satisfactory answer or didnt ask?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Iasked...however by the time we got past the backgrounds and about us and our familys (i understand this is standard/necessary) there was little, if any, time to discuss much of anything. So i said i really need to know how he could say he loved me yet have an EA and then kiss a random girl? So she asked him and his response was that he doesn't feel he had an EA or crossed any lines and the kiss was a drunkenly night that he doesn't even remember? Its all a lie tho bc like i said we didn't have time to get into details and we will talk in two weeks. Soooo hopefully i make it that long?!? 
That is why i say no answer bc she let him tell us his "feelings" which are totally opposite of mine. She DID say males and females view these things differently. I liked the gal so i hate sounded like she wasnt good or anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Iasked...however by the time we got past the backgrounds and about us and our familys (i understand this is standard/necessary) there was little, if any, time to discuss much of anything. So i said i really need to know how he could say he loved me yet have an EA and then kiss a random girl? So she asked him and his response was that he doesn't feel he had an EA or crossed any lines and the kiss was a drunkenly night that he doesn't even remember? Its all a lie tho bc like i said we didn't have time to get into details and we will talk in two weeks. Soooo hopefully i make it that long?!?
> That is why i say no answer bc she let him tell us his "feelings" which are totally opposite of mine. She DID say males and females view these things differently. I liked the gal so i hate sounded like she wasnt good or anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this is gonna be unpopular but right now Im tired of it being about HIS feelings, HIS wants, HIS greed. There are two of us in this marriage I thought?????


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Oh and the reason I'm all confused is bc he did say to her that he was doing all he could to reconcile.that eventho he doesn't feel he has done anything he can see I'm hurt so he cut off communication with own, doesn't dj anymore events, and hasn't gone to Vegas alone (i did go on the last trip) in efforts to make me not fear anything. Maybe i am reaching for something not there?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Oh my god i said that to my H last night....I'm tired of being the heavy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Oh and the reason I'm all confused is bc he did say to her that he was doing all he could to reconcile.that eventho he doesn't feel he has done anything he can see I'm hurt so he cut off communication with own, doesn't dj anymore events, and hasn't gone to Vegas alone (i did go on the last trip) in efforts to make me not fear anything. Maybe i am reaching for something not there?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In your perfect world what would he do to fix this?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

No clue...in a PERFECT WORLD I wouldn't be dealing with this! ha

But it would help if he would focus on me and allow me to hurt, fear, and dis-trust. He said yesterday to MC that he has said he is sorry over and over and can't keep saying it. That he hasn't and isn't going to physically cry bc he isn't that type of person. 

What I posted earlier are only a few good things. There are many little things he doesn't do because he doesn't see them as hurtful or dangerous to the relationship.

Example: yesterday has been a count-down for us (in a fun/loving way) and that after the session it's "date night" and so forth. Went to our favorite restaurant and had apps and margs and then I said "what's next: movie or what are you thinking?" and his reply was "whatever you want as long as I get back by 7 to play cards." Of course later he says he wishes he wouldn't have said that and he didn't go play cards-but the damage and the insecurity can't be reversed?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> No clue...in a PERFECT WORLD I wouldn't be dealing with this! ha
> 
> But it would help if he would focus on me and allow me to hurt, fear, and dis-trust. He said yesterday to MC that he has said he is sorry over and over and can't keep saying it. That he hasn't and isn't going to physically cry bc he isn't that type of person.
> 
> ...


Yep thats the kind of dumbassery(to steal from thor)that my H might do. He always says something THEN thinks "damn, I wish I hadnt said that" but its too late. Yeah, if it was your date night, its his time with YOU and only YOU. THe cards wait.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

How's it goin' for you today? I put some emails in front of my H to stop the minimizing effect. I really want him to get the gravity and to understand that I 'get' exactly what went on. How about you?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> How's it goin' for you today? I put some emails in front of my H to stop the minimizing effect. I really want him to get the gravity and to understand that I 'get' exactly what went on. How about you?


Better today, thanks for asking! How did your H respond? 

I asked my H to start reading the book "Not Just Friends" and he did read a little last night. I haven't even read all the book - it was mentioned on here.

I had to stay away from TAM for a bit because my daughter and I had projects together and we talked about what her dad has been doing. It helped me ALOT to hear her say that she is proud of me and admired how strong I always am (didn't know I was??) but that she doesn't want me to hurt. Her and her dad share the same rib (inseparable) and to hear her tell me this gave me a weird burst of strength to stop THINKING about how bad everything is. I didn't put one thought into the EA, Kissing (I can't seem to admit this as a PA even though I know it is), or marriage! I even slept all night for the first time and it felt good


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Better today, thanks for asking! How did your H respond?
> 
> I asked my H to start reading the book "Not Just Friends" and he did read a little last night. I haven't even read all the book - it was mentioned on here.
> 
> I had to stay away from TAM for a bit because my daughter and I had projects together and we talked about what her dad has been doing. It helped me ALOT to hear her say that she is proud of me and admired how strong I always am (didn't know I was??) but that she doesn't want me to hurt. Her and her dad share the same rib (inseparable) and to hear her tell me this gave me a weird burst of strength to stop THINKING about how bad everything is. I didn't put one thought into the EA, Kissing (I can't seem to admit this as a PA even though I know it is), or marriage! I even slept all night for the first time and it felt good


That is Awesome!!! My daughter has said the same thing to me. It makes you feel good doesnt it? But it also makes me feel the pressure to make the 'right' move as well. 

When I put them in front of him he read them and apologized for them and their "grossness". I just wanted to let him know that I KNOW what went on and there will be NO lying going forward. He agreed and we moved on. I made me sick to read them with him I gotta say though.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> When I put them in front of him he read them and apologized for them and their "grossness". I just wanted to let him know that I KNOW what went on and there will be NO lying going forward. He agreed and we moved on. I made me sick to read them with him I gotta say though.


Did that cause you to trigger? when I re-read (gluten for punishment or something???) the emails I saved and think about them talking and going on and on and I get either pissed, sad, jealous, insecure, or what not. At MC my H said he didn't really feel this was an EA that there were only a few emails and I said "I have copies of the emails in my purse, do you want to see them?" the MC said not at this time because I'm not sure what that would solve...I'm keeping them still because someday I might need them?:smthumbup:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Did that cause you to trigger? when I re-read (gluten for punishment or something???) the emails I saved and think about them talking and going on and on and I get either pissed, sad, jealous, insecure, or what not. At MC my H said he didn't really feel this was an EA that there were only a few emails and I said "I have copies of the emails in my purse, do you want to see them?" the MC said not at this time because I'm not sure what that would solve...I'm keeping them still because someday I might need them?:smthumbup:


OH GOD it was a BIG TIME trigger!!!! I sat in the bathroom floor for 45 minutes afterward just trying not to throw up. He so doesnt get it either. He doesnt understand that it just comes over me like a big flippin' wave. Its murder. I have lost people to death and THIS is worse b/c he CHOSE this. AN yes its pissed,sad,jealous,insecure and all other possible emotion. Like I just wasnt enough for him. I know Sigma says its not about me and he is prob right but thats not making it any less gut wrenching and doesnt make me feel less inadequate.


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