# Constantly disappointing my wife



## Dopey1077 (Oct 13, 2017)

Hey everyone,
My wife and I have been married going on 20 years and she feels like I don't care about her. She does all the shopping and buys stuff for both of us all the time and throws it in my face that I don't buy her anything ever. I do everything around the house (cooking, cleaning, yard work and maintain both cars). She really does not have to do anything but some times I feel like a butler than I do her husband. Our sex life sucks, she never initiates even though I've told her that I like it when she does. Every time I try to talk to her she makes me feel like I'm blaming her for all of my problems. 
I want to be the man she wants me to be but i'm not sure what to do anymore. 
I know she wants me to change and I want for her to feel like I do care about her but not sure where to start. Sorry for the rant, we had a big fight tonight because she didn't like the flowers I got her and went to bed. I had a glass of scotch and cleaned the kitchen to help me calm down. 
Any advice?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy for yourself. Sounds like your trying to "earn" her affection.

Make some time for yourself and work out hard. Get in the best shape you can.

If you can get her to read it, both of you read and discuss the 5 love languages book.

Others will be by with better advice.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

From a horizontal mongrel.
To a determined ape.
To a man, standing tall.

Going out, doing things on your own, having your own hobbies and friends.
Being pleasant, refusing to argue or debate.

Letting her think that you do not need her.....and you don't.
She will get the message.
You will get the massage.

Or the stiletto boot.

Either is better then chief butler and bottle washer duties.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

> I want for her to feel like I do care about her but not sure where to start.


She's giving you one place to start:


> throws it in my face that I don't buy her anything ever


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Sounds a lot like she's a Gifts person as opposed to Acts of Service. You do all this chore stuff and it leaves her cold. She buys you stuff and sees it as an expression of love, gets nothing from you and is frustrated.

Try getting her things as a surprise, especially little luxuries that you've put some thought into, nothing utilitarian and nothing that's really more for you (like lingerie). See what happens.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP
You do all of this around the house and for the marriage and she feels like you do not do enough for her? Her "language" is gifts? She has a helpful husband and she would prefer trinkets? Sounds like her language is gibberish. Stop doing all the work you do and buy her some trinket each day on your way home. Win win.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP
> You do all of this around the house and for the marriage and she feels like you do not do enough for her? Her "language" is gifts? She has a helpful husband and she would prefer trinkets? Sounds like her language is gibberish. Stop doing all the work you do and buy her some trinket each day on your way home. Win win.


I completely agree with this. Talk to her about a cooking and cleaning schedule and start only doing half of the household chores (unless she doesn't work, if she does not work, then she should be doing at least 90% of it) and instead of the majority of the housework, bring her little gifts instead.

Although, you say she was rude about not liking the flowers you bought her? That's not nice at all and a good way to never get future gifts from you! What's her personality like generally?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you could start being a man she would respect by being a man _you_ respect. You say you sometimes feel more like the butler. Do you enjoy that feeling? If not, then stop doing things that make you feel like the butler. Stop doing things that make you feel taken for granted. It's pretty obvious that it's not turning your wife on or making her feel loved, and it's making you resentful, so stop doing it. Work smarter, not harder. Unless one of you is a stay-at-home partner, then the workload at home should be equitably shared between the two of you. So work out a means of sharing the work equitably. 

And, it's apparent that her love language is gifts. So, buy her small gifts from time to time. They need not be extravagant. Meet her needs in a way that's meaningful to her. But mostly, _stop_ doing things that make you resentful and don't meet her needs, while insisting that what you're doing _should_ meet her needs.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dopey1077 said:


> Sorry for the rant, we had a big fight tonight because she didn't like the flowers I got her and went to bed.



Was your W expecting a BMW? There is a way to accept a gift one does not care for. Your W's way is not it. Your W response is terrible. 

Stop the domestic chores.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Another great book to read is Married mans Sex Life primer (NO it's not a book about sex positions!). Pretty good stuff in there. Another key is to TALK -- no, NOT argue. Get her to talk calmly and see what specific things she can tell you and try to work on one or two of those. AT THE SAME TIME, you need to tell her YOUR issues with her and ask her to work on one or two of those.... (repeat this ad naseum..)


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy for yourself. Sounds like your trying to "earn" her affection.
> 
> Make some time for yourself and work out hard. Get in the best shape you can.
> 
> If you can get her to read it, both of you read and discuss the 5 love languages book.



:iagree: 

No More Mr Nice Guy

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


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