# need a male point of view...please



## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Hi everyone I was hoping to get another male perspective on what I consider to be a problem but my H doesn't.

OK so my husband works in TX and we are from ny. I go back and forth between the 2 states right now my grandmother had a brain tumor removed and needs another surgery.

Any way when I'm in TX with my H I never get to meet his friends. We don't interact with them at all. Its been 3 years and I have no clue who these people are. He tells me to just trust them but how do I trust someone i have never met plus he tells me they are all pretty much cheating on their wives and girlfriends so why would i trust them ?

Problem I'm having is when i leave to go to ny he goes out with them. They go to dinner, clubs, movies whatever. When i ask how come WE never go out with them he said they are not so good people and he doesnt want me around them, but its OK for him. Also when I'm there he is just happy to be with me blah blah blah. Am I crazy for thinking this is strange?


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Deffinately not crazy. But there might not be anything going on.

In my group of male friendsw, I am the only married one. They are all the "player" type and although they are friends of mine and my wife, she doesnt like it when I go out with them as she feels they are a bad influence on me.

Without further info on your part Id say that he is just protecting his friendships. If you got to know these people you'd probably assume that they are a terrible influence on your husband, and he may feel differently about it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Triumph said:


> Deffinately not crazy. But there might not be anything going on.
> 
> In my group of male friendsw, I am the only married one. They are all the "player" type and although they are friends of mine and my wife, she doesnt like it when I go out with them as she feels they are a bad influence on me.
> 
> Without further info on your part Id say that he is just protecting his friendships. If you got to know these people you'd probably assume that they are a terrible influence on your husband, and he may feel differently about it.


Well I don't think he is having an affair when he goes out with them. And he isnt the only married one but he has told me that they said he should be having an affair. They feel since they make the money in their relationship that its OK to get a girlfriend on the side and have told my H that its OK for him to do the sameand I as his wife just need to accept that. <---- cold day in hell before this ever happens

So with that said I'm not fond of them at all. 

We went to the mall once and ran into some of them and I swear we haven't gone back to that mall since. He refuses. We drive 2.5 hrs one way to get to another mall in another city.wtf is that about??

Husbands and wives will probably never accept all of their significant others friends that's just the nature of the beast but I do feel I should at least meet these people. He works with them goes to army drill with them. Call me crazy but I would at least like to know some first names.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

There's something very wrong with the way he's acting.

Why all the talk from him about affairs and cheating?

It would seem he's hiding something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I did think the same thing at one point. But i have all his passwords to everything and access to his phone whenever I ask especially if i feel something is up. I can check the phone records too, nothing strange there. He tells me whatever they say but for some reason I just can't be around them. Part of me wonders if he thinks they might try something with me since they are very open about cheating without any regards to anyone else. I also know his own schedule better than he does even when im in ny. I'm like 90% sure he isnt having an affair. I know that leaves 10% but im fairly certain he isn't. Plus he can't lie to me to save his life. He accidentally will send me texts that are meant for his friends, nothing horrible, but i think if he were talking to another woman I would have gotten a misdirected text for her too. He has always had texting problems for like the last 6 years, he doesn't bother double checking who he's replying to. 
As for him talking about his friends affairs he is a chatty Kathy when it comes to the gossip he hears at work. 
I tell him I find this extremely odd. And he says it's not a big deal but there is this look on his face like yeah i know but I just don't want you around them. 

It's not like im trying to be bffs with any of them.


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

While you have access to his electronic life, he may just be trying to keep his friends as his friends.

When the secrecy kicks in, his phone is never out of sight and you can't access his life, then you ask some questions.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I disagree with the Over all assessment in this thread.

This has all the hallmarks of a serious potential problem.

-Very long distance marriage 
-Numerous toxic friends
-Frequent partying with toxic friends
-won't even allow wife near the toxic friends

I'd start snooping, I'm sorry & I could be wrong but this all spells affair to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Hubby01 said:


> While you have access to his electronic life, he may just be trying to keep his friends as his friends.
> 
> When the secrecy kicks in, his phone is never out of sight and you can't access his life, then you ask some questions.


He can have them as his friends I don't want them. I just want to know who he spends his time with. I know nothing really about them and that includes names. He lives on his phone. Between texting and fb the phone is never away from him. I don't think he could go a day without his bff the phone. At times I would randomly ask to see his phone and he just hands it over. And if he wants mine he just asks. I got nothing to hide. And since I know he spends all day with his phone texting i know the day I ask for it and he says no something is up. In 12 years he has never told me I couldn't see his phone.

I guess since its been 3 yrs its a losing battle. I have only met one guy cause he helped us move and that was like all of 20 minutes.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I disagree with the Over all assessment in this thread.
> 
> This has all the hallmarks of a serious potential problem.
> 
> ...


I did snoop i checked everything I could. And came up with nothing leading to him having an affair. I have gone through fb, phone records, his pay stub to check his work hours, email accounts, checking bank account to see what he could be spending money on and where. I got nothing. It really does drive me crazy sometime.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

First things first.

Him not introducing you to friends when it is obviously causing you to hurt is the issue to focus on. He needs to understand that this is a serious issue to you with consequences. Let him know that you are not willing to be part of a marriage of double lives where each partner has their own group of friends that the other doesn't know about. 

Next, Someone living in a city miles away can just have one night stands with moonlighting strippers and your detective work won't pull up anything. I think you should deal with the friends issue as to me he's still acting like he's single. You don't seem to want him to give up his friends, just want to know who they are. That's reasonable IMO and I would expect the same from my wife.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Oh i know being this far apart he could very well have an affair i just don't think he is. Just like me being in ny i could be doing the same thing and he wouldn't know. 

And yes kobo im not trying to get him to give up his friends. Just want to actually meet them and know who it is my husband spends his time with when im not there.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Well I talked with him a little about it I didn't want to seem demanding and start another argument right now but i pretty much told him I HAVE to meet these people at some point. I told him im not trying to hang out with them in any way i just want to be able to put names with faces. He did mention he was a little uncomfortable cause he was afraid i would mention stuff he said about them to their wives. I have no intention of doing that, i dont think that it is my place to tell people i dont know about what i heard their husband is doing. He then suggested we take our daughter to a Disney play and he would invite the ones with kids (the ones he is usually with) and after we all go out to dinner. Now I guess I have to just see if this actually takes place.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not male. I just don't see the big friggin deal! What is his problem? My husband was introducing me to his friends on our 3rd date!

Sorry, I know you're frustrated, but this is buggin the hell outta me too. People don't behave like this unless they have something to hide or are ashamed.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'm not male. I just don't see the big friggin deal! What is his problem? My husband was introducing me to his friends on our 3rd date!
> 
> Sorry, I know you're frustrated,but this is buggin the hell outta me too. People don't behave like this unless they have something to hide or are
> ashamed.


 it is frustrating.he seems to think that i am going to judge the crap out of them and force him to stop hanging out with them. Which is not the case at all. I didn't like some of his friends in ny but he still went out with them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

square1 said:


> it is frustrating.he seems to think that i am going to judge the crap out of them and force him to stop hanging out with them. Which is not the case at all. I didn't like some of his friends in ny but he still went out with them.


He's acting like a teenaged boy who doesn't want Mommy to find out who he's hanging out with.

It's BS. Total BS.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I disagree with the Over all assessment in this thread.
> 
> This has all the hallmarks of a serious potential problem.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Along with the fact of going 2.5 hours out of the way to go to the mall? :scratchhead: And he could very well have a secret email that you know nothing about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

square1 said:


> Well I don't think he is having an affair when he goes out with them. And he isnt the only married one but he has told me that they said he should be having an affair. They feel since they make the money in their relationship that its OK to get a girlfriend on the side and have told my H that its OK for him to do the sameand I as his wife just need to accept that. <---- cold day in hell before this ever happens
> 
> So with that said I'm not fond of them at all.
> 
> ...


I don't buy into that this is the nature of the beast.

Of course you should meet them, but the way you have defined them they are toxic. They are not marriage friendly.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> *They are not marriage friendly.*


Does your H think that their behavior (cheating?) is OK? How does he defend them?

I personally - as a (still) married man - wouldn't want to hang around with these guys.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

square1 said:


> I did snoop i checked everything I could. And came up with nothing leading to him having an affair. I have gone through fb, phone records, his pay stub to check his work hours, email accounts, checking bank account to see what he could be spending money on and where. I got nothing. It really does drive me crazy sometime.


I may just be overly suspicious from hanging out in this place but this doesn`t add up.

There is a reason he doesn`t want you near his friends and it isn`t the reasons he`s giving you.
They`re quite ridiculous if you think about it.
The mall story reeks of desperation to keep you from even POSSIBLY meeting them.

How often do you see him and for how long on average?

He seems to have two separate lives and he`s trying to keep them separate.
You have to force a merger of these two lives to some extent.

I`d recommend spending some actual time living with him in his city.
Any way to get a month or so off from work and just go down and be with him for that time?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Does your H think that their behavior (cheating?) is OK? How does he defend them?
> 
> I personally - as a (still) married man - wouldn't want to hang around with these guys.


No he doesn't think its OK and he doesnt defend them. He also won't go around their wives cause he says its too weird knowing what he knows. 

One of the guys got caught cheating with a coworker and got kicked out the house he asked my husband if he could crash on the couch, he was told no. Another guy wanted my husband to let his mistress stay at our house till he could find her a place. My husband asked him if he was out of his mind.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

square1 said:


> No he doesn't think its OK and he doesnt defend them. He also won't go around their wives cause he says its too weird knowing what he knows.
> 
> One of the guys got caught cheating with a coworker and got kicked out the house he asked my husband if he could crash on the couch, he was told no. Another guy wanted my husband to let his mistress stay at our house till he could find her a place. My husband asked him if he was out of his mind.


Would YOU be friends with people like that?

Like I tell my kids - people WILL judge you based on the company you keep.

Something isn't right. You obviously suspect as much - else you wouldn't be posting here.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I may just be overly suspicious from hanging out in this place but this doesn`t add up.
> 
> There is a reason he doesn`t want you near his friends and it isn`t the reasons he`s giving you.
> They`re quite ridiculous if you think about it.
> ...


Oh i quit my job over a year ago to move there. I came back to ny cause of my grandmother and her needing help and another surgery. After her upcoming surgery I'm going back there. 

But prior to me quitting my job I was going to see him almost every other month for 2weeks-1month depending on what my job would let me have off.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Would YOU be friends with people like that?
> 
> Like I tell my kids - people WILL judge you based on the company you keep.
> 
> Something isn't right. You obviously suspect as much - else you wouldn't be posting here.


No I def wouldn't keep that kind of company especially now that I have a kid and she is with me everywhere i go. 

And you are right something isnt right with it. Again i know since I'm not there it could be an affair but I do doubt it. We don't have a house phone for our place in TX so he just has his cell phone so I would think at some point he would have used that during the affair if he was having one since that is his means of communication. He hasnt even touched his laptop in a long time due to trying to resist his porn addiction.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

square1 said:


> No I def wouldn't keep that kind of company especially now that I have a kid and she is with me everywhere i go.
> 
> And you are right something isnt right with it. Again i know since I'm not there it could be an affair but I do doubt it. We don't have a house phone for our place in TX so he just has his cell phone so I would think at some point he would have used that during the affair if he was having one since that is his means of communication. He hasnt even touched his laptop in a long time due to trying to resist his porn addiction.


I'm guessing to have taken a job in another city means he's making a very good living. So it would be NO stretch for him to have a 2nd phone, laptop, etc. Easy to hide such things when you only live with someone part-time.

I'm just not sure what you should do about it. Plan a surprise visit to go up and see him maybe?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I'm guessing to have taken a job in another city means he's making a very good living. So it would be NO stretch for him to have a 2nd phone, laptop, etc. Easy to hide such things when you only live with someone part-time.
> 
> I'm just not sure what you should do about it. Plan a surprise visit to go up and see him maybe?


I know for a fact he doesnt have a 2nd phone or laptop. He would need money to pay for those things and we have one bank account with direct deposit and he asks to use money for gas which he uses the debit card so I know it was spent on gas. I pay all of the bills so i would notice money taken out for no apparent reason. And he does make a decent living with his new job but with car payments and the crazy rent we pay then toss in monthly bills it doesnt leave a lot extra at the end of the month. 

I have done the surprise visit thing but guess I'll probably have to do it one more time before my grandmothers surgery. Otherwise it might just keep eating away at me. 

So besides the he's having an affair aspect is there anything else to be considered ? 

When we are together (living in the same city) he is with me, then at work then with me, days off with me. Basically if he ain't at work I can poke him in the arm that's how close he is to me the rest of the time.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

square1 said:


> I know for a fact he doesnt have a 2nd phone or laptop. He would need money to pay for those things and we have one bank account with direct deposit and he asks to use money for gas which he uses the debit card so I know it was spent on gas. I pay all of the bills so i would notice money taken out for no apparent reason. And he does make a decent living with his new job but with car payments and the crazy rent we pay then toss in monthly bills it doesnt leave a lot extra at the end of the month.
> 
> I have done the surprise visit thing but guess I'll probably have to do it one more time before my grandmothers surgery. Otherwise it might just keep eating away at me.
> 
> ...


Honestly - I'm not sure what's going on. He may not be having an affair. Its just really strange behavior.

But, like I said, just not sure what you can or should do about it.

Are you happy when you're together?


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Honestly - I'm not sure what's going on. He may not be having an affair. Its just really strange behavior.
> 
> But, like I said, just not sure what you can or should do about it.
> 
> Are you happy when you're together?


With the exception of discovering his porn addiction causing our sex life problems we are good together. He hasn't looked at porn since April.he hasn't masturbated since late june. He seems really committed to stopping his addiction for us to get back what we had. Granted since stopping the masturbating and porn his is a little more on edge and sometimes gets mad easily when we talk about things.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

IMO, you are who you hang out with.

I have had friends for 20 years who got into drugs, porn, adultery and for the time they were doing these things, we did NOT hang out.

I don't get it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> IMO, you are who you hang out with.
> 
> I have had friends for 20 years who got into drugs, porn, adultery and for the time they were doing these things, we did NOT hang out.
> 
> I don't get it.


:iagree:


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Really simple.... he has a group of "friends" who are all out for a good time, he can go and get drunk and play silly games and just hang loose with them, doesn't mean he is looking for an affair or a girlfriend, just a blow off of steam. These "friends" are good time people and they openly admit to tapping whatever they can get their hands on.... if you catch my drift, he does not want them anywhere near you and run the risk of one of them making a play. so he keeps his good life (with you) seperate to his play life (with them) they may all be up to no good, but if your H knows what he wants at the end of the day (you) then they will not swing him to being the same as them in their cavalier regards to marriage.

There are people I will socialize with that I would never want my wife meeting, there are people I work with who I would never want my wife meeting, they are not (our) type of people, but "I" am different to "Us" if that makes sense.


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