# Married not quiet a year, fight often about sex. Never get any!



## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

Hello all!

I've always been told that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. I expected that we'd fight a lot. And we have. Mostly about family, jobs, how busy we are, sex, etc. From what it sounds like, these are pretty normal things.

Our anniversary is next week and we are planning a nice getaway for about 5 days which we are both looking forward to.

So the problem we are having now is that our sex life is almost non-existent. We have sex about once every 2 months it seems. Sometimes we'll manage once a month. But it's usually never very good and I feel very empty afterwards. 

I'll be very honest here and tell you that I've been with plenty of women before I met my wife. And every single one of them enjoyed sex quite a bit. And afterwards, we felt very close and often would just lay together and enjoy that time. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen with my own wife.....and that bothers me. I want to feel that closeness with her instead of her just getting up and going about her work or chores and not paying attention to me.

I love my wife. A lot. I'd do anything for her. She knows that. I tell her how much I love her daily. I do things for her like buy her little presents randomly. I clean up after her often (which is tiring at times). I do a lot of the house work so she doesn't have to. She is a writer and is usually very busy with freelance work on top of her full time work. 

When it comes to initiating sex, I've tried and either she is too tired or her attitude about it is like this: "Um. Ok I guess." I've been rejected a few times and it hurts or makes me feel like she isn't interested. She's told me that she's rather me initiate it than her and has gotten mad at me because she thinks she shouldn't have to initiate it. So.....how are we supposed to have sex if she acts uninterested when I initiate it, and she never ever initiates it??

I would love for us to just have sex for hours on end, because I know I can and have in the past. But to her, that seems like overkill and she has said that it feels like a waste of a few hours. But it would be so wonderful to be that close to her for so long. It hurts that she doesn't want that.

When we do have sex, she has a lot of trouble reaching an orgasm. Sometimes it takes hours. She thinks its due to a medication she is taken, and she may be right but she doesn't care it seems. Honestly, I've worked very hard at trying to find what works for her. Sometimes she gets there, but most of the time she doesn't. The worst part of sex is that she makes no sounds at all and just lays there. She seems very uninterested. She never tells me she likes what I'm doing or says that something feels good. I feel like I give her A LOT of sexual attention. I'd love to just pleasure her all day, but she just isn't into it that much. She insist that the lights are off and that she is covered up because she thinks she is overweight. So that means it can only be at night, and by then we are both too tired usually.

Recently I bought her a vibrator and she loves it. But it has turned into us getting naked and me using a vibrator on her. End of story. She gives me no attention. She even said while we were naked "Penises are so ugly." I promptly got dressed and left the room feeling very awkward and like she wasn't attracted to me at all. She didn't have to say that. Why do some women feel that way, but so many women that I have been with love male body parts and spend lots of time and attention on them.

I've bought her TONS of lingerie and she never wears it. She says it's not comfortable or that it doesn't feel good. Which is totally fine. But I bought it for her to wear when we have sex, but she just never is interested. She also said she doesn't know when she's supposed to wear it and that if she is only supposed to wear it before we have sex, then it's just a waste of time because it never stays on long. But I've told her that it's like unwrapping a present and that I love seeing her in it because she looks beautiful and sexy. She got really mad at me one time when I asked her to wear matching black bra and panties with stockings and a garter. She is SO hot in it. She's dressed like that once and said she felt like a *****. Last time I asked her to wear it, she said "Oh you want me to look like a ***** for you. That's so nice dear. (sarcasm)" End of story. No sex.

Last night while we were getting groceries, a very attractive younger woman approached me while I was on the beer isle. She was dressed very sexy (which my wife never does because she thinks she is overweight, which she isn't and I tell her she isn't every day.) The girl started flirting with me. I definitely realized it and promptly walked away, but not before my wife saw the girl talk to me. So my wife proceeded to say things like "I bet you wish I dressed like that." And "Why do girls always flirt with you!?! No one ever flirts with me. Probably because I'm fat." Then she started asking if all of my past girl friends dressed like that girl that was flirting with me and wore lingerie and were skinny and stuff. It made me realize that her self esteem is VERY low. We go through this any time a girl talks to me or looks at me. She gets mad if I mention a woman that I work with or anything. I NEVER talk to women at work in any way other than professional. I don't have friends that are women. And I'd never cheat on my wife. The thought has never crossed my mind.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this. I complement her a lot. Every day I tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is. I even call her "beautiful" most of the time. And she is! Everyone thinks so. She practically looks like a Barbie doll. 

I have a very high sex drive. The relationships I was in before I met my wife, I was having sex daily or sometimes twice a day for years on end. Last woman I dated was for almost 4 years and we had sex sometimes twice a day every day. The relationship before that, we had sex probably 3-5 times a week for 3 years. I understand that not all women are like that, and I don't expect my wife to be like that. But 2 times in 2 months......COME ON!!! 

So to recap, my wife:
- Isn't interested in sex.
- When she is interested, it's all about her and no attention is given to me.
- When I initiate sex, it seems like a chore to her.
- During sex she seems like she is bored and doesn't make sounds at all or move in any way (dead fish syndrome). 
- When sex is over, it feels very empty and not very personal. Almost like a chore.
- She makes no attempts to initiate sex and is never in the mood.
- She won't wear any lingerie I have bought her, even though I've told her how beautiful and sexy I think she is in it.
- She is very self-conscience about her weight and looks despite me telling her that I think she is beautiful all the time.


PLEASE HELP!!!!!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Don't have children! Read MMSL (Married Mans Sex Life). Take charge.

If that doesn't work, divorce. You don't want to be in a marriage like this for the rest of your life. Move on.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Don't have children! Read MMSL (Married Mans Sex Life). Take charge.
> 
> If that doesn't work, divorce. You don't want to be in a marriage like this for the rest of your life. Move on.


Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.

No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that.


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

What kind of talks about your sex life have you had with her? What was her up bringing? Religious? Was she taught sex was bad as a child? Or perhaps sex was not discussed at all in her house at all?


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

She wasn't raised in a church (but funny enough I was and I'm very religious now). I don't think she was taught anything about sex growing up because she honestly seems like she hasn't done a lot or tried a lot of things. She did have sex before me though because she has told me. It doesn't sound like she had any bad experiences though.

We've tried to talk about sex plenty of times but it usually ends up in argument or with her saying that I am just treating her like a *****. But am I really treating her like a ***** simply because I expect us to have sex seeing that she is my wife and all?

Why do some women enjoy dressing up and pleasing their man, and she doesn't? I take very very good care of her and love her deeply, but she shows now sexual interest in me at all. But then she wants to scratch the eyes out of every woman that looks at me. 

I don't understand!


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

tk421jag said:


> I love my wife. A lot. I'd do anything for her. She knows that. I tell her how much I love her daily. I do things for her like buy her little presents randomly. I clean up after her often (which is tiring at times). I do a lot of the house work so she doesn't have to. She is a writer and is usually very busy with freelance work on top of her full time work.


TK, I'll be blunt and honest. This paragraph sums up the problem...you have become a doormat to your wife in less than a year. She is not interested in sex with you. She is interested in sex, not with you.

Please visit www.marriedmansexlife ASAP. Buy the book ASAP and read it. Then read it again.

Read this thread carefully...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...tat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html#post245159

Go to the Men's Clubhouse on this forum and read the great threads on being more alpha....


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

joelmacdad said:


> TK, I'll be blunt and honest. This paragraph sums up the problem...you have become a doormat to your wife in less than a year. She is not interested in sex with you. She is interested in sex, not with you.
> 
> Please visit www.marriedmansexlife ASAP. Buy the book ASAP and read it. Then read it again.
> 
> ...


It's not bad advice in general...

But the OP never stated that sex was great or even good before. So I'm not sure it's a simple matter of her not being sexually attracted. She probably put on a little show of being sexy before the wedding, hated it, and now that the papers are signed she's done. 

Sounds more like her being generally insecure, uncomfortable with her own sexuality. If anything it sounds as if he needs more beta, not more alpha. For example he gets hit on in public and she goes further into her shell, feeling insecure.

But the bigger worry is that she is just a dud in bed. Maybe with a lot of counseling she can overcome that.

OP, you have no problem finding good sexual partners, but for some reason you married a bad one. May I ask why you did this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Was your sex life with her ever good?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It took me a very long time(years) to accept my body and to be happy with it. I didn't have any weight issues, but I have flaws. It was my husband who gave me the confidence to be naked in front of him. It was him saying over and over how happy he was by my looks. I never brought up my insecurities, but he knew. We had to have a dark room for at least the first 5 years or so. Eventually I got over my insecurities by his gentleness and we now will shower together. I'm also heavier now then I was when we first married. I have health issues preventing me from exercising. I'm not overweight by any means, but I'm not underweight like I once was and I no longer have a toned body like I did when I was a runner.

Body insecurities do not go away over night. There are no quick fixes. Also, you need to STOP comparing your wife to ex flings/girlfriends. This is very disrespectful and extremely hurtful. If you ever told her your comparing her to your exes, she will even be much more insecure. Put the past behind you and focus on your wife.

Tell her that you'd like to try new things with her in the bedroom. Be gentle about it and don't pressure her. If she feels pressured, she'll back off even more.

My husband and I never really had any difficulties in our entire marriage. We always communicate what is on our minds and come up with a compromise on every issue. Never in a million years would he bring up the past or his exes. He did not want to hear about mine either. We were both married previously. I would be extremely hurt if he was comparing me to his exes.

Use this time to grow together. I bet her lack of sex could be due to her insecurities.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Never in a million years would he bring up the past or his exes. He did not want to hear about mine either. We were both married previously. I would be extremely hurt if he was comparing me to his exes.


Where in the world did you read that it was ME bringing up my ex-girlfriends? I assure you, I never compare her to them. She ask a lot of questions about them sometimes wanting to compare herself to them. I always answer with, "Honey, I married you, not them. And I married you because I'm attracted to and I love you."

I would never in a million years talk about or bring up my ex-girlfriends.

What I said about sex with my previous relationships was to let you know that it is NOT me that has the sexual problem.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

PBear said:


> Was your sex life with her ever good?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Not really. But I don't think she really knows what a good sex life is. Her mother once told her that she has sex a few times a week. My wife told me that she thought that was ridiculous and wasn't sure how people find themselves wanting to do it that much.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Reading your story, it sounds like you're doing all the wrong things. You're rewarding her bad behavior. You should be ignoring/shunning bad behavior and rewarding ONLY good behavior. You're also missing opportunities. Like when she asks about a girl flirting with you. That's an opportunity to point out that you should be getting that from her, but instead you're getting it from other women. Put her on the spot. Don't back down. Make her OWN her actions.

You really really need to read Married Man Sex Life. Others may suggest the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, and that may be good. I haven't read enough of your posts to get a feeling for whether you are a "nice guy" or not yet though.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tk421jag said:


> Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.
> 
> No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that.


Me too! 25 years of feeling like you are feeling. :slap:

You can be committed as you like, but you can't change someone.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

east2west said:


> But the bigger worry is that she is just a dud in bed. Maybe with a lot of counseling she can overcome that.
> 
> OP, you have no problem finding good sexual partners, but for some reason you married a bad one. May I ask why you did this?


Well I honestly don't think you have sex with a million women until you find the one that you enjoy the most. Previous relationships had great sex, but the relationship sucked. I married my wife because we get along great, I'm attracted to her, and she is someone that I'd like to be with forever.

My wife and I love each other a lot. We get along great and joke around a lot. However, in the bedroom she becomes a different person almost. To me sex is a very serious thing and I'm very passionate about it with her. But for her, it seems like just another thing to try to fit into your busy life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> I always answer with, "Honey, I married you, not them. And I married you because I'm attracted to and I love you."


You could answer with "they seemed to be a lot more attracted to me though. I don't understand why you aren't as attracted to me as they were".

You seem to put everything on yourself to spare her from having any responsibility. You won't get results that way.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> It took me a very long time(years) to accept my body and to be happy with it. I didn't have any weight issues, but I have flaws. It was my husband who gave me the confidence to be naked in front of him. It was him saying over and over how happy he was by my looks. I never brought up my insecurities, but he knew. We had to have a dark room for at least the first 5 years or so. Eventually I got over my insecurities by his gentleness and we now will shower together. I'm also heavier now then I was when we first married. I have health issues preventing me from exercising. I'm not overweight by any means, but I'm not underweight like I once was and I no longer have a toned body like I did when I was a runner.


Congratulations!



> Body insecurities do not go away over night. There are no quick fixes. Also, you need to STOP comparing your wife to ex flings/girlfriends. This is very disrespectful and extremely hurtful. If you ever told her your comparing her to your exes, she will even be much more insecure. Put the past behind you and focus on your wife.


Please don't tell him his thoughts are wrong. No one can avoid making comparisons between their partners. Yes discussing how the other girls were better in bed with his wife would be very dumb. But he needs to deal with his feelings and this is an appropriate forum for doing so. Anyway his memories of better sex are not going to just disappear. Those memories will eventually lead to desire. And the OP has regular opportunities to stray, so he had better come up with some viable strategy beyond "just stop comparing your partners".


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

That seems very manipulative to try to play head games with her. I'm not trying to make her feel bad or guilty because other women are attracted to me. 
Obviously she has insecurities that are beyond my control and I don't think comparing her to other women to her face is going to help anything.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ok, well keep trying what you're doing. Build her up in hopes that she'll live up to it. Perhaps it will work out for you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This may seem off topic, but it's not. May I ask how you feel about kid's sports teams that give the same trophies to the winners as the losers? Or the kid's sports teams that don't keep score because it might hurt the losing team's feelings?


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

IMHO, your wife does not know what her own sexuality is, or what she likes, so why would she like sex? Get her this book: Woman's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction*by Georgia Kline-Graber R.N. and Benjamin Graber M.D.* 

She can't dress sexy for you when she does not feel that she is inside. How can one show sexual interest in another if they don't have that confidence knowing one's sexuality gives them?

Some Girls are not taught about sexuality. They are taught that it is bad and only lose moral girls do such things, then when married there is a switch that is expected to be made, but after all that ingraining on how bad that is how does one make that switch? 

Or worse yet she could have had no education from her parents on the role of a wife. In my home sex was not talked about, I don’t think I knew what it was until health class, I knew my parents loved each other because they said it and they did things for each other, but they never were affectionate around us kids. In fact, I do not think I have ever heard my mother say the word SEX. Many years I had a hard time saying it myself.

When she gets angry about other women hitting on you I think it is more of a reaction that those women understand their sexuality and can express it, but she can not and it makes her feel inferior. I don’t think you can say anything to change that. She needs some IC to work on those self esteem issues.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is far gone into non sexual land, and you are not married for very long and have no children. My recommendation is first do not have any chldren. My second recommendation is to make her understand that she has two choices: becoming sexual or becoming divorced from you. You should never ever argue about it or anything else again. Having her sort thorugh this choice is your highest odds for success.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What will happen is she will tell you she would be more attracted to you if you did 'x'. Then when you do 'x', she will want you to do more 'x'. Then when you do more 'x', she will want you to do 'y'. Then 'z'!

Once you are doing 'x', 'y' and 'z' she will tell you that it isn't working, because the only reason you are doing these things is because you want sex.

You can't make someone care about your needs. They have to care. They have want to make you happy.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

I do agree with you that she doesn't know her own sexuality. And now you have me thinking about this, which may be a factor. Her parents have both been divorced several times. They were divorced when she was 14 I believe. She isn't close to her mother, and her dad is kind of a ******* type guy. Never talks much about personal things, so I imagine that he never said much to her about sex.

I honestly feel like if I were to get her a book, she'd swear that I have a problem if I want sex that much. She would say all day long that I have the problem, not her.

Would any of you suggest a sex counselor? We've already been to marriage counseling for some problems we were having about my family. And it all seemed to be linked to her parents being divorced and her being a little angry that I'm so close to my family and her family isn't close at all. So maybe she has problems being close to people in general as a result.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Your wife is far gone into non sexual land, and you are not married for very long and have no children. My recommendation is first do not have any chldren. My second recommendation is to make her understand that she has two choices: becoming sexual or becoming divorced from you. You should never ever argue about it or anything else again. Having her sort thorugh this choice is your highest odds for success.


Giving her an ultimatum is your advice? I don't think that is very sound. I love my wife and I'm not leaving her because she won't have sex with me. That seems wrong. I suppose it would eventually lead to a lot of unhappiness. 

You know, she may not realize just how high my sex drive is because I simply never bring it up or try anything with her anymore. From the sound of some of the people on here, I should just tie her down and force her to have sex with me.

What I want is a happy and healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I simply need advice on how to get to that point. I want to know that it's not me, but her that has a problem. And I certainly feel like that. But more so than that, I need help fixing this. I need advice on how to approach myself on this sensitive subject. I don't want to hurt her feelings or upset her or make her feel like she isn't sexy.


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

You bought her a vibrator to help her to orgasm, that is all this book is about (I read it and practice it) consider this her Vagina owners manual. I found it to be a great help for me. Make it not about you in anyway, this is about her finding her sexual confidence and eventually expressing that you when she is ready.

You need to tell her that you both have a problem that needs to be worked on. I would think that a sex counselor would be helpful, you both need to get on the same page...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> Giving her an ultimatum is your advice? I don't think that is very sound. I love my wife and I'm not leaving her because she won't have sex with me. That seems wrong. I suppose it would eventually lead to a lot of unhappiness.
> 
> You know, she may not realize just how high my sex drive is because I simply never bring it up or try anything with her anymore. From the sound of some of the people on here, I should just tie her down and force her to have sex with me.
> 
> What I want is a happy and healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I simply need advice on how to get to that point. I want to know that it's not me, but her that has a problem. And I certainly feel like that. But more so than that, I need help fixing this. I need advice on how to approach myself on this sensitive subject. I don't want to hurt her feelings or upset her or make her feel like she isn't sexy.


I think that right now you're falling into a trap. You're listening to the advice that you WANT to hear and trying to criticize the advice from guys who have actually been married to women like your wife and successfully turned it around.

You want to know that it is not you. But it IS you. You are the only one you can control here. You have to control your reaction to her behavior. You may HAVE to hurt her feelings a little for the sake of your marriage. How else is she going to know it's really a problem, and not just YOUR problem. You see, she thinks it's YOUR problem. You just want too much sex. She thinks this because she hasn't been made to see your point of view....because you're protecting her from your real feelings.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This may seem off topic, but it's not. May I ask how you feel about kid's sports teams that give the same trophies to the winners as the losers? Or the kid's sports teams that don't keep score because it might hurt the losing team's feelings?


I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, but I played sports as a kid and have never heard of someone not keeping score because it would hurt the other teams feelings. That seems silly. Why play at all?

Also the whole "get the same trophy as everyone else thing" same thing: why play at all? 

I understand that you are going to likely try to use some psychological analogy with this, but please stop. I don't need this issue made any more difficult for me. 

I need advice and I don't want this to become a case study.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> Well I honestly don't think you have sex with a million women until you find the one that you enjoy the most. Previous relationships had great sex, but the relationship sucked. I married my wife because we get along great, I'm attracted to her, and she is someone that I'd like to be with forever.
> 
> My wife and I love each other a lot. We get along great and joke around a lot. However, in the bedroom she becomes a different person almost. To me sex is a very serious thing and I'm very passionate about it with her. But for her, it seems like just another thing to try to fit into your busy life.


I think the problem is your attitude about women and female sexuality. You believe women are in different categories of "good sex material" and "good wife material". And you have to compromise because these women are in two disjoint sets.

You don't have to compromise. You don't have sex with lots of women until you find the one you like the most. You have sex with women that have potential wife characteristics, whatever that means to you, until you find one that satisfies you sexually and compares favorably to your past partners. Then you figure out where the problem aspects in the relationship are and try to work on them until you have confidence that they can be resolved. Then you get married.

Frankly it sounds like you drove a lemon off the lot and are now trying to figure out if you can fix it. Of course you can spend all the time in the world under the hood, but you have to decide whether it's a wise use of your time.

I would send her to counseling immediately for her sex issues. If you aren't seeing real positive progress after a year or so, be merciful and let her find a man whose sexual preferences are more inline with her own, and same to you. And in the meantime, whatever you do, don't get her pregnant.

Marriage is a sexual commitment.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

What's really frustrating about all of this is that we're about to go on vacation. So if I bring any of this up now, it will likely not be a very fun vacation at all.

We do both definitely have a problem. 

My problem: I would like to have a healthy sexual relationship with her, I don't feel like she is attracted to me, she never seems interested in sex.

Her problem: She has no clue what she wants out of sex, how to initiate it, how to enjoy it. No sex drive. Thinks it's weird that people have sex more than once a week.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think that right now you're falling into a trap. You're listening to the advice that you WANT to hear and trying to criticize the advice from guys who have actually been married to women like your wife and successfully turned it around.
> 
> You want to know that it is not you. But it IS you. You are the only one you can control here. You have to control your reaction to her behavior. You may HAVE to hurt her feelings a little for the sake of your marriage. How else is she going to know it's really a problem, and not just YOUR problem. You see, she thinks it's YOUR problem. You just want too much sex. She thinks this because she hasn't been made to see your point of view....because you're protecting her from your real feelings.


Working,

With respect, the whole "being more alpha" thing is the right answer in a lot of places but I don't believe this is one. The OP's wife thinks wearing lingerie makes her a wh0re. She isn't the one rubbing herself raw reading 50 shades and sexting with her ex bf's while rejecting sex with her husband. The OP is more than enough alpha. She is more afraid of losing him because she can't or won't meet HIS expectations. Making ultimatums and such will just confirm her worst fears and push her further away.


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

east2west said:


> I think the problem is your attitude about women and female sexuality. You believe women are in different categories of "good sex material" and "good wife material". And you have to compromise because these women are in two disjoint sets.
> 
> You don't have to compromise. You don't have sex with lots of women until you find the one you like the most. You have sex with women that have potential wife characteristics, whatever that means to you, until you find one that satisfies you sexually and compares favorably to your past partners. Then you figure out where the problem aspects in the relationship are and try to work on them until you have confidence that they can be resolved. Then you get married.
> 
> ...


Whoa....

After reading your post, I think you are exactly right. She has often accused me of trying to "fix" her or change her.

We've had sex a few times where she said it was incredible and she said how much she loved it. But it's been a while since that has happened. 

I highly doubt that she'll goto counseling, because like I said she doesn't think she has a problem at all.

How am I supposed to get her pregnant if we never have sex? Going on 2 months without it. Ha ha!

This gives me a little idea of myabe how to approach her about it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Your problem is you are being something called "TOO NICE."

You keep wanting your wife to make concessions, and see it from your angle. And you think by being nice, and loving, she will be. 

Here is a little clue:
Even though I am 20, I can tell you right now, I have read enough pages on this site to know it DOESN'T WORK! 

Now, either your wife pretended to like sex till she could get you to sign the dotted line handing her your balls, or...well really that is all I can think of. 
Maybe she just isn't attracted to you. 

You're not a women, so you don't understand their minds. Neither do I really. 

But I do draw conclusions from what I observe. And usually, here is how it works:
Women find independence sexy. Independence, ability to lead, a future, all that great stuff. A man that has lines, expects them to never be crossed, and a man that will enforce those boundaries. 
And these guys get laid. Their wives respect them! And they know if their man doesn't enjoy the sex, he may put up with it, but not for long. 

Now granted, there are exceptions. (Like SA, can't ever forget her! ) But your wife is not one of them. Otherwise, if she really liked all your caring and attentiveness, you wouldn't be on this site. 

So how long will you put up with it? 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? The rest of your life?

Right now, you have several options on how to deal with this:

Have an affair. Probably the worst option you can pick. Actually, it is the worst option you can pick. So don't pick it. 

Tell her you want a satisfying sex life. And do that by MANNING UP. That means, going go the gym instead of the bar with your buddies. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Pulling a 180 so she has to get YOUR attention, and not the other way around. 
And this may all sound mean and hurtful. But let's be honest: if what you are doing right now isn't working, it won't work if you do it more. 
For example, if I studied for a test using only notecards and terms, but got a 50% on the test, should I continue using only notecards and terms to study for the next test, or should I maybe try reading over my notes differently, and figuring out different ways to test myself? Take your pick. 

Or you can get your marriage anulled. Hopefully, since it is short, you can get it anulled that way you don't have to split the property. You can both just leave the other. And if she fights it, well tell her, "I want a satisfying sex life. And you can either start fulfilling that now, or once this marriage gets anulled, I'll start finding a way to get it satisfied somewhere else."
And if she wakes up, she'll do what you want. If she doesn't, you move on and find someone else. 

And your final option, is to live out your life with this woman, having an unhappy sex life, getting no sex, and dying of old age with a wife that doesn't respect you or love you. 


So...which will it be?


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> You know, she may not realize just how high my sex drive is because I simply never bring it up or try anything with her anymore. From the sound of some of the people on here, I should just tie her down and force her to have sex with me.


Talk to her, doesn't matter how you approach it as long as you do not approach it with anger and threats. You love her and are committed, start with that. If you don't talk about your feelings about this with her, you are not working together. 

Question: How much in your relationship, in addition to sex, goes unsaid?


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

lovingthrill said:


> Question: How much in your relationship, in addition to sex, goes unsaid?


Nothing honestly. We talk about everything. If she is upset or if we've fought, we talk about it. We're open about everything except for sex.

I know I make it sound like we hate each other or something, but honestly we are like best friends and we really do love each other.

It really hurts hearing some of this advice with the attitude "if she isn't have sex with you, leave her." I just can't do that. I love her a lot and I know she loves me.

But there is just some kind of mind-block with her and sex. It's like that part of her brain just isn't there. And when I've approached her about this issue, she gets really upset and angry. 

I think maybe coming on this site has made me feel worse. I feel very angry and depressed now because I feel like everyone is telling me: Put your foot down and tell her to have sex with you or leave her. Is that really the right attitude?

I want to know how to make my wife feel sexy? If it's not possible, how do I make her see that she has a problem??


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> I think maybe coming on this site has made me feel worse. I feel very angry and depressed now because I feel like everyone is telling me: Put your foot down and tell her to have sex with you or leave her. Is that really the right attitude?
> 
> I want to know how to make my wife feel sexy? If it's not possible, how do I make her see that she has a problem??


IS it the right attitude?

Well, the attitude you have been using so far has worked about as well as the GOP's model for predicting who would vote in this election. And we all know how that went down...
So...is it the right attitude? 
Well, we don't know. But the current one you are using sure as hell isn't! So switch it up. 

As for making your wife feel sexy. 
If she can't feel sexy, I don't think you can help that. 
It is either counseling, or something she doesn't want to address. 

And yes. What we are saying might be somewhat mean. 
But a man doesn't take this kind of crap lying down.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tk421jag said:


> Giving her an ultimatum is your advice? I don't think that is very sound. I love my wife and I'm not leaving her because she won't have sex with me. That seems wrong. I suppose it would eventually lead to a lot of unhappiness.
> 
> You know, she may not realize just how high my sex drive is because I simply never bring it up or try anything with her anymore. From the sound of some of the people on here, I should just tie her down and force her to have sex with me.
> 
> What I want is a happy and healthy sexual relationship with my wife. I simply need advice on how to get to that point. I want to know that it's not me, but her that has a problem. And I certainly feel like that. But more so than that, I need help fixing this. I need advice on how to approach myself on this sensitive subject. I don't want to hurt her feelings or upset her or make her feel like she isn't sexy.


I don't believe you read my post. I said nothing about an ultimatum.

You have to decide that you belive marriages are sexual relationships. What do you believe? Do you believe that marriages are these great friendships where 2 people get along and have fun and share finances but sex is optional? You have to come to terms with your belief system.

If you believe that sex is optional in a marriage, you will have a sexless marriage. You do not need to do anything more.

if you believe that marriages are by defintiion sexual, then you know that you do not have a marriage today.

What I am suggesting is you make her aware that you do not believe this to be a marriage by your definition, and to explain to her that sexual fulfillment is a core part of marriage to you. And you let her to choose whether she is in a marriage, as you define, or not willing to be part of the marriage as you define.

You set the rules, she makes the choice.

Honestly, do you really think that most girls are raised and sexually educated by their parents? You think her mother did not explain things to her and that is the problem? Then you explain things...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tk421jag said:


> Whoa....
> 
> After reading your post, I think you are exactly right. She has often accused me of trying to "fix" her or change her.
> QUOTE]
> ...


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Original Poster said:


> I think maybe coming on this site has made me feel worse. I feel very angry and depressed now because I feel like everyone is telling me: Put your foot down and tell her to have sex with you or leave her. Is that really the right attitude?


There are things you can do before that. Take the suggestions on reading the books everyone has mentioned. I personally used Married Man Sex Life Primer and ran the MAP which has yielded amazing changes with my wife, her sexuality and her response to me being the HD spouse.

My wife was very similar to yours for years. Not as bad, but similar. Now that I have read the book and put it to use, she has responded unlike I ever could have imagined. And I didn't try to teach her anything, make her feel pretty or sexy or anything more than I always had. It was simply using the book to create a balance between the beta when she needs it and the alpha when she needs that. Trust me, I had it all wrong for years.

Now she is turning into the HD spouse with more initiating and control and trying things I never thought she would have a few years ago.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> Whoa....
> 
> After reading your post, I think you are exactly right. She has often accused me of trying to "fix" her or change her.


The two strategies are pick someone you don't need to change, or pick someone and change them. The first one is a lot easier. But her accusations aside, she does need to be fixed if the two of you are going to be successful.



> We've had sex a few times where she said it was incredible and she said how much she loved it. But it's been a while since that has happened.


Potential good sign.



> I highly doubt that she'll goto counseling, because like I said she doesn't think she has a problem at all.


I would send her some authoritative literature to read about sex and how it is part of the pair-bonding process, and some horror stories about what happens to sexless marriages over time. Whatever she says, she has a big problem. She is not sexually compatible with her husband. If you need to be convinced of this yourself you should spend some time reading stories on here. 

You will have to be completely unwavering in your assertion that this is a sexless marriage and that a sexless marriage is unacceptable. Don't be lulled into thinking that she's going to just blossom into a sexually mature person one day. She needs professional help and even then it may fail. If she really won't get the help then I'm afraid you have done all you can.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> Don't have children! Read MMSL (Married Mans Sex Life). Take charge.
> 
> If that doesn't work, divorce. You don't want to be in a marriage like this for the rest of your life. Move on.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: x 1,000,000


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tk421jag said:


> Whoa....
> 
> After reading your post, I think you are exactly right. She has often accused me of trying to "fix" her or change her.
> 
> ...


Don't have children. Get this problem fixed before doing that. Yes, trying for children means more sex, but it is short lived. Once you have kids, sex will become even less. More reasons to be too tired, too busy, etc.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You will hear all kinds of advice... my best advice and don't make this optional. Get some MC now. You need to express to your wife that this part of marriage is a priority. Not that somehow other things are not, but without it you have a roommate. 

The whole I am tired from work is not cutting it. My wife and I both work full time. We have two sons (one of which has special needs) and we have been married for 18 years (this December) and along with all the other important things, we both feel that this is a priority. We don't set some schedule (that may work for some, we like games and spontaneity) but we also recognize the other needs. 

Shop around (don't settle on just any old council) and start working on your marriage. If you don't, things will get worse. Don't even talk about having children. And, if she does, put a nix on that conversation right away.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

has she had many previous sexual partners?


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## tk421jag (Nov 29, 2011)

abitlost said:


> has she had many previous sexual partners?


Only about 3 that I know of. I've had.....quite a few more than that. Not sure if that is good or not, but I feel like I've been around enough women to know that my wife seems to have major issues with sex. Which is why I'm on here.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

tk421jag said:


> Only about 3 that I know of. I've had.....quite a few more than that. Not sure if that is good or not, but I feel like I've been around enough women to know that my wife seems to have major issues with sex. Which is why I'm on here.


That may contribute to the problem (only contribute), to her she may feel like she is competing with past partners bodies ect and she's one of many, she obviously feels pretty threatened by other females. 
If that is the case there is very little you can do she will need to help herself with her self esteem issues, feeling sexy comes from within no one can instill it. 
Sometimes it's easier to brush someone off or seem uninterested than to deal with the issue in hand.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tk421jag said:


> Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.
> 
> No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that.


There really is nothing you can do about this. She does not want sex with you- you aren't attractive to her (and, based on the short duration of the marriage you probably never were). She has sex very occassionally because she knows she must, or out of guilt because she wants to be able to say "you're getting some". She's using every excuse in the book to make sex as infrequent and unappealing to you as she can (no lingerie, no initiation from her, she becomes a stiff board and lays there when you do have sex). Also she is lazy / selfish- the fact she will let you vibe her to orgasm and not reciprocate is a huge red flag for this. It says "I don't have hangups, I just want to get mine and be done with it - crap on what he wants).

You are religious (presumable Christian) so I'll put it in those terms. You are "unequally yoked" with your wife. You are HD and subscribe to a belief system that (1) emphasizes commitment to and regard for one's spouse, and (2) explicitly lists satisfying sex as one of those commitments. Your spouse apparently believes none of that. 

So you don't want to leave her. Are you willing to consistently press your needs (involved, frequent sex) and her failure in that regard? Are you willing to do a 180 / MMSL plan and do less for her? Perhaps you would ask for a separation and have her live alone to reflect on how much she means to you?

How would you feel if she left you? Would you accept that, or is staying married to her the utmost priority? I ask because her leaving is a real possibility. Again, she dislikes sex with you and does not see any consistent responsibility / commitment to you (at least not sexually). That means she sticks it out because she feels the benefits outweigh the costs. And that in turn means if you up the pressure for sex (increase her cost to be with you) or cool down the relationship (decrease her benefit of being with you) she could decide she's better off alone or with someone else.

Essentially, if you're unwilling to risk any dissention you are doomed to this existence. Don't let anybody in your family or in your church give you any platitiudes about patience and prayer- it does not work. My advice is to up the pressure for good sex directly (by telling her flat out what you need, point out she's failing, and advise her it's impacting the way you feel about her) and indirectly (doing a 180 / cooling down / MMSL). If she upps her game you're golden. If she leaves then she's solved your problem- the Bible clearly states that you have no obligation to someone who does not share your beliefs and chooses to be apart from you.

The worst outcome for you is if things stay as they are. Look around here, or even better on the boards of www.themarriagebed.com, to see what happens to guys like you who refuse to act decisively and just endure.

Let me know what you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Honestly, divorce is the easy way out. Marriage takes work and I plan to work this out somehow. I don't believe divorce is the right way to go.

No I don't want to be in a marriage like this the rest of my life, but I've made a commitment to my wife and I plan to stand by that. 



Yeah I thought that way too for long time wait about 10 more years and you'll think like me, its the only way.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your comment about her getting pregnant is truly stunning. 

You have a huge compatibility issue and don't seem to grasp the rules of engagement at all. 

She finds you to be a turn off. She doesn't care about your needs, and you are doing everything you can to try and get her approval. Approval seeking is a type of submissive behavior. Big turn off for women. 

If you have a baby together she will perceive that to mean you are fine with being starved of sex for the next 18 years. 

Who is the main breadwinner?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I had sex problems from the beginning of our marriage. He never wanted it. He didn't really enjoy it when we were having sex. My self-esteem really took a hit. I tried everything to get him to be interested, because that's what you do when you love someone right. And over three years of fighting my resentment grew into a rage. Trying to change him did nothing but make me extremely angry and resentful.

It's daunting to think of not trying to change your spouse. You're left with a feeling of "now what?" 

You have to be more direct with her. No games. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that you need more sex, more attention, more sexual attention. It is not an ultimatum to tell her that if you do not get those needs met that you will drift apart. That's not an ultimatum, it's a fact. Tell her how sad that makes you and that you don't want that to happen. You can present your needs to her but then you have to be willing to give her the freedom to choose whether to try and meet your needs or not. You must be willing to give her that freedom. Tell her what you need and give her the choice to try and meet that need. She has to have the freedom to say to you, whether verbally or through her actions, that she cannot meet your needs. 

And be patient. I waited four years for my H to come around. I stopped fighting with him, stopping pressuring him, but never stopped letting him know that i was drifting away from him and that it hurt me. I worked on my resentment, on controlling my sex drive, on my lack of boundaries, and on understanding what it means to love someone and still respecting your own needs. That's a lot to handle. You have to work on the solutions to your own problems. Your problems are what to do with all this frustration and sexual tension, and possibly your resentment. Deal with your problems on your end and give her the choice to approach her problems on her end.


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