# A simple question, but not a simple answer



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

If I am generally more upbeat and happy around friends, family, and acquaintances over a lengthy period of time (multiple years), yet more subdued, possibly stressed, and less upbeat around H., is that MY issue to fix or is it possible he is contributing to that? I asked him what HE needed from me to have a better relationships. He says for me to be as happy around him as I am around others. Basically it's something for ME to do and work on. Am I wrong in thinking that the reason I am that way is because of HIS behavior (which is another topic and one I have posted about many times in the past) - mainly LD/HD issues (him being LD), irritability, anger management with all of us, and not wanting much touchy-feely interaction (my "love language" is touch). Is it wrong to think that HE is part of the solution to my mood and personality issues or is it truly ME being selfish and I need to really work on myself?

I put this out there because it is a huge barrier to me making a final decision on what to do with this 25 year relationship.

Thanks and all feedback is appreciated.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Your first sentence describes me to a T during the last ten years or so of my almost 26 year marraige. I beleive your H absolutely plays a role. The chemistry of any relationship is symbiotic and the way you react to it is a clear indication of how feel in relation to that mutually created atmosphere. You clearly shut down around him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is the old catch-22 situation.

He wants you to be happy and upbeat around him, when he makes you feel sadly down.

He needs to catch up.
He needs to latch onto your ideas.
He needs to match up to your needs.
He needs to patch up his doodle wanger, be HD.
He needs to ratchet up his game.

22 ways to Sunday.

A wishful touching post, this.
One he needs to sidle up to.

He needs to get in touch, touch and verify that you are the genuine thing.

A touching thing, you.



The Typist-


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds to me like the 'solution' revolves around having a very grown-up, and open conversation about what each of you need, and what each of you can do to assure the others needs are met.

If that conversation simply collapses on itself ... as it easily can once the interpersonal dynamic has become anything but personal; you pretty much have your answer. Stay together, live your life, completely segregated from his, or give each other another shot with someone who chooses to invest in a successful, long-term relationship.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

I do think his behavior and attitude impacts mine. I keep hearing from him that I am the problem..............there is nothing for him to change.  In fact, he told me this week that the reason he had major issues with the kids and displayed intense anger with them at times was because of my lack of discipline - i.e., if I would have disciplined more, he wouldn't have been put in that situation. Almost like I am to blame for his anger outbursts. I feel like he thinks ALL of the problems in this R. are ME. NOt once has he ever admitted he has had any role in the issues. Of course I am going to shut down. Who wants to feel like they are nothing but a problem to the other person??



Not said:


> Your first sentence describes me to a T during the last ten years or so of my almost 26 year marraige. I beleive your H absolutely plays a role. The chemistry of any relationship is symbiotic and the way you react to it is a clear indication of how feel in relation to that mutually created atmosphere. You clearly shut down around him.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Unfortunately, I don't see any of that happening. I've asked, I've cried, I've shared my heart............it's not working. I am truly at a loss.



SunCMars said:


> It is the old catch-22 situation.
> 
> He wants you to be happy and upbeat around him, when he makes you feel sadly down.
> 
> ...


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Deejo - I have ASKED for that conversation. We honestly cannot have a conversation about it without it turning into a major blow-up. My voice is never raised and I don't talk disrespectfully to him. There is something about me that just turns on the anger with him and we can never finish with a civil conversation. It always ends with what *I* need to do different. There are never any to-do's with him.

Whenever I've shared my needs, he calls me "entitled" and puts it all back on me being selfish. I believe he thinks because he meets other needs (companionship, provider, father, spending time doing activities) that he shouldn't have to do MORE, even if that 'more' is a critical need of mine (mainly, need for touch, physical affection, need to be pursued instead of me pursuing). When does it become SELFISH to share a need? That's what has me stumped. Maybe I AM selfish and need to stay in this relationship and just be grateful for the other things he does provide? Or maybe it's HIM that cannot find a way to look at the one area where I feel like he could do something a little differently?






Deejo said:


> Sounds to me like the 'solution' revolves around having a very grown-up, and open conversation about what each of you need, and what each of you can do to assure the others needs are met.
> 
> If that conversation simply collapses on itself ... as it easily can once the interpersonal dynamic has become anything but personal; you pretty much have your answer. Stay together, live your life, completely segregated from his, or give each other another shot with someone who chooses to invest in a successful, long-term relationship.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I do think his behavior and attitude impacts mine. I keep hearing from him that I am the problem..............there is nothing for him to change. In fact, he told me this week that the reason he had major issues with the kids and displayed intense anger with them at times was because of my lack of discipline - i.e., if I would have disciplined more, he wouldn't have been put in that situation. Almost like I am to blame for his anger outbursts. I feel like he thinks ALL of the problems in this R. are ME. NOt once has he ever admitted he has had any role in the issues. Of course I am going to shut down. Who wants to feel like they are nothing but a problem to the other person??


Classic blameshifting. This is abusive behavior. I used to hear all the time to that I was the one with the problem. 




LilMissSunshine said:


> Deejo - I have ASKED for that conversation. We honestly cannot have a conversation about it without it turning into a major blow-up. My voice is never raised and I don't talk disrespectfully to him. There is something about me that just turns on the anger with him and we can never finish with a civil conversation. It always ends with what *I* need to do different. There are never any to-do's with him.
> 
> Whenever I've shared my needs, he calls me "entitled" and puts it all back on me being selfish. I believe he thinks because he meets other needs (companionship, provider, father, spending time doing activities) that he shouldn't have to do MORE, even if that 'more' is a critical need of mine (mainly, need for touch, physical affection, need to be pursued instead of me pursuing). When does it become SELFISH to share a need? That's what has me stumped. Maybe I AM selfish and need to stay in this relationship and just be grateful for the other things he does provide? Or maybe it's HIM that cannot find a way to look at the one area where I feel like he could do something a little differently?


With him having this attitude, you are never going to have a good, happy relationship. You may stay married, but to what end? And NO, you absolutely do NOT need to stay in this relationship just to settle for the small bits that are ok. That sounds to me like self punishment. His blameshifting and anger are abuse. I was once where you are, and I got out, and have never had one single second of regret for doing so.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Gawd, 3X - I feel so......................VALIDATED. The conversation went on at least 2 hours and by the time it was over, I felt like I had taken a beating. Everything was "you, you, you..............." . And when he said that about the kids, I had a light bulb moment thanks to really having some self=enlightenment and educating myself over the last few years..................*I* am responsible for his anger and loss of control with them???? Because I didn't discipline enough?????????? 

He points out all of the GOOD things which he does - and he does do a lot of good things - always treats me well on birthdays and holidays, is a great provider, and does when he is in a good mood engage me in conversation and seems generally interested in my life. But the anger and affection issue, it's starting to not balance out with all of the other. And when I ask to problem-solve, it's "selfish Sunshine - it's always about you, isn't it?" and the circle continues...............IS IT SELFISH FOR ME TO ASK FOR SOMETHING I NEED?? Given that he does all of those other things? Honestly, I want to know.............if I am being selfish, then I'll buckle down and try to make this right. But I am questioning whether I am buying into something that isn't true or if he is RIGHT. If I knew this, it would be a huge piece of the puzzle for me..............



3Xnocharm said:


> Classic blameshifting. This is abusive behavior. I used to hear all the time to that I was the one with the problem.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I do think his behavior and attitude impacts mine. I keep hearing from him that I am the problem..............there is nothing for him to change. In fact, he told me this week that the reason he had major issues with the kids and displayed intense anger with them at times was because of my lack of discipline - i.e., if I would have disciplined more, he wouldn't have been put in that situation. Almost like I am to blame for his anger outbursts. I feel like he thinks ALL of the problems in this R. are ME. NOt once has he ever admitted he has had any role in the issues. Of course I am going to shut down. Who wants to feel like they are nothing but a problem to the other person??


Hear me out on this thing.....

You are the problem.
He is the problem.

Both are the problem.

The problem is in both of you.

You two are not compatible.
It is almost always this.

And this is not fixable.
Only divorce will 'half' fix this.

The other half comes from remarrying a man you are compatible with, and he, you.

A simple answer, a hard truth, a long and painful fixing.



SunCMars- from his archived thoughts.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I do think his behavior and attitude impacts mine. I keep hearing from him that I am the problem..............there is nothing for him to change. In fact, he told me this week that the reason he had major issues with the kids and displayed intense anger with them at times was because of my lack of discipline - i.e., if I would have disciplined more, he wouldn't have been put in that situation. Almost like I am to blame for his anger outbursts. I feel like he thinks ALL of the problems in this R. are ME. NOt once has he ever admitted he has had any role in the issues. Of course I am going to shut down. Who wants to feel like they are nothing but a problem to the other person??


From what you describe I don’t see him as the type that will give an inch on his stance. He’s determined to win. I was also married to someone who could not see himself. He could not see the blame shifting AS he was doing it or after. He could not see his inability to hear what I was saying AS I was saying it or after. There was never any time taken to think about anything before speaking or acting in return, it was always instant and rock solid denial that he was doing anything wrong and if I persisted in trying to get him to see it his mean side came out and the mocking and sarcasm would begin and if I still persisted the cursing and yelling began and the whole time he was acting this way it was my fault for causing him to act that way. 

You can’t hammer your way through that wall. It’s not possible. He’s got all bases covered and he moves the goal posts with every counter move you make. You’re not his wife, you’re his opponent.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look into some of the personality disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcisistic disorder etc and see if a lot of those traits and characteristics apply (we all have some of them to various degrees)

One of the classic signs of disorder is the person's partner feels like they are the crazy one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Otherwise one of the things I was taught about relationships is that how you feel about the other person often doesn't matter as much as how they make you feel about yourself.

And conversely, how they feel about you doesn't matter as much as how you make them feel about themselves. 

In other words, your partner may be a great person, but if they make you feel like crap about yourself all the time, then they really aren't a match for you.

And you may be great, but if you make them feel like crap about themselves, then that's not a match either.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Deejo - I have ASKED for that conversation. We honestly cannot have a conversation about it without it turning into a major blow-up. My voice is never raised and I don't talk disrespectfully to him. There is something about me that just turns on the anger with him and we can never finish with a civil conversation. It always ends with what *I* need to do different. There are never any to-do's with him.
> 
> Whenever I've shared my needs, he calls me "entitled" and puts it all back on me being selfish. I believe he thinks because he meets other needs (companionship, provider, father, spending time doing activities) that he shouldn't have to do MORE, even if that 'more' is a critical need of mine (mainly, need for touch, physical affection, need to be pursued instead of me pursuing). When does it become SELFISH to share a need? That's what has me stumped. Maybe I AM selfish and need to stay in this relationship and just be grateful for the other things he does provide? Or maybe it's HIM that cannot find a way to look at the one area where I feel like he could do something a little differently?



Advice of others is golden. You are in a no-win situation.

You need intimacy and connection. He avoids that like the plague. To him marriage is a competition and he must malign you to win. The more you work, the harder he fights--even to the point of emotional abuse. This is deeply rooted in his psyche.

Bet you decide y'all must talk--fights and harangues ensue. He literally 'shuts your mouth' with his venom. This is calculated to remove your desire for closeness. In his insecurity, he rejects what you need most and puts it back on you. Otherwise, he would have to change and that is not in his being.

Please do read up on personality disorders; start with NPD and see what is familiar. So sorry, you must be exhausted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need mediation and counselling.

It might be him, or it might be you.

My father was a lovely man outside the home.

But at home? Not so much.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

I agree that both might be the problem but if it is an issue of compatibility I'm not sure. Sometimes we have personal baggages that clouds our capacity for working things out and not because we are really incompatible.

If it really is baggage then swtiching partners might not help. If you are lucky you might find someone who won't trigger your baggage as much, but if the other person does then it might repeat certain problems again.

Being aware of the dynamics behind and why each react the way they do is important. Focusing what we can improve can be more productive as we are fixing problems in our ends. Of course, the relationship still takes two sides. But if you can reflect on your needs, actions and reactions you might learn and make progress.

But if only you progress then maybe this relationship is no longer good. Even so at least you tried. Maybe what you learned can make the next better.


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