# Obsessing over husband's affair partner?



## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

Hello everyone. I am a new member but looking forward to finding support and guidance in the community. My husband and I are both 28 years old and have been together for five years. We have been married only since July but have been very good friends since we were kids.

We have a very long and very complex past but for the sake of not making you read a novel I will start with where we are currently.

In early January I suspected he was having an affair. Then I caught him chatting with a woman in a park. They both denied knowing each other but it was clear to me that they knew each other. That was January 27th which was ironically our 6 month mark of marriage. My suspicions and his behaviors escalated until March 4th when I caught him using an app on his phone to text her.

His confessions were staggered. He denied the depth of their involvement until I made him take me to her house to break it off with her in front of me and also so that I could confront them both at once. Somewhere between her side and his side I found the truth.

They had been having an affair from January to the first week of March when I caught him. It was hot and heavy and sexual. They met on a dating website. He had tried to break it off several times but always ended up going back to her.

We are in counseling and working at trying to recover from this affair. As the weeks go on from all of this it is as if I am getting my husband back. It feels like he is coming out of a fog.

My problem is that I find myself obsessing about the affair partner. I have her social media profiles and her dating website profile. So I go through cycles of checking both, looking through her photos, and comparing/critiquing my flaws and hers. It becomes this obsessive negative downward spiral of trying to rationalize why my husband chose her.

I know it is unhealthy. I know it is NOT helpful. I know that I need to stop. I just am not sure how. I find some reassurance in checking her page to know what she's doing. I guess because I'd know she'd post if she saw my husband again.

Has anyone else ever experienced this before? What helped to stop it?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

You're going to MC but maybe IC would help too.


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## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

Yes, we are doing both marriage counseling and individual counseling. It is something that I am working on with my therapist. My background is also in social work so I get the textbook ins and outs of it. I guess I am just looking for some real world input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are viewing her the wrong way. She's nothing to you.. NOTHING. Every ounce of energy you spend on your is you giving her importance.

Many women who cheat with married men do so because it gives them a feeling of power.. they think that it makes them better than the wife. It's a pretty stupid point of view they have because a man will seldom leave his wife for an affair partner. He chose to have an affair with her because she is an easy woman with low self esteem. 

Stop looking at anything to do with you. You have to get control of this fixation. It gives her too much power.

Is she single?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

TheLily said:


> Hello everyone. I am a new member but looking forward to finding support and guidance in the community. My husband and I are both 28 years old and have been together for five years. *We have been married only since July *but have been very good friends since we were kids.
> 
> We have a very long and very complex past but for the sake of not making you read a novel I will start with where we are currently.
> 
> ...



I dont understand your timing. Married in July. Affair January to March. What's with the July 27th date, the 6-month of marriage?

In any case, since he is cheating so early in the marriage when he should had been in the honeymoon stage of the marriage (I assume 6 month in), you should get your marriage annulled and move on.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are viewing her the wrong way. She's nothing to you.. NOTHING. Every ounce of energy you spend on your is you giving her importance.
> 
> Many women who cheat with married men do so because it gives them a feeling of power.. they think that it makes them better than the wife. It's a pretty stupid point of view they have because a man will seldom leave his wife for an affair partner. He chose to have an affair with her because she is an easy woman with low self esteem.
> 
> ...



My husband left for the affair partner after a 4 week whirlwind.


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## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

Thank you Elegirl. Yes, she is single with a history of getting involved with married or committed men.

Aug, sorry. I meant January 27th, but accidentally wrote July 27th. Thank you for your input. At this point I have decided to try to work it out with him.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GET AN ANNULMENT AND SAVE YOURSELF. He isn't the material you need to father your children. You need a real man, not a lying cheat. If you think he will change his ways you are going to be an unhappy person. You will have to be checking on him as long as you are together. He has proved that he isn't worth it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pamvhv said:


> My husband left for the affair partner after a 4 week whirlwind.


Yes, some cheaters do leave their marriage for the affair partner. Most of those relationships don't last very long... less than 2 years for most of them.

Only about 3% of affairs ever turn into anything long term.

I'm sorry that you have had the experience of having your husband do this.

How long has it been since he left? Is he still with her?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I have obsessed over my ex's affair partners. I destroyed my self esteem, it killed me slowly, it made me a shadow of my self.

I don't know what to tell you that will help you stop. I stopped because I no longer care for him, because time is slowly healing me, because I no longer wish to give those women power over me.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Keeping an EYE on her right now may not be a bad thing, but COMPARING yourself to that trash IS unhealthy.

His choosing her had nothing to do with you. Your husband just got the ridiculous idea in his head that all cheaters do - two must be better than one!

It's not.

If you have one piece of cake and there's another one there, a LOT of foolish people will think grabbing that second one is a good idea. This does NOT mean the first one tastes bad, or tastes any different. He just wanted TWO.

A second spouse creates deception, drama, disrespect, complexity, stress, and toxicity throughout the home and marriage.

The problem is once you start, it's difficult to STOP.

The OW has nothing to do with YOU. She's just #2, that's it.

It isn't him choosing her instead of you, it's him choosing you AND her. He, like most men who cheat, want the best of both worlds. It's not like he didn't like marriage, he just thought adding an affair into it would make it better.

It doesn't, but that's the logic they use.

You are better. You are better than you and anyone else would or will ever be.

Just because HE can't figure that out does not mean YOU drag yourself into that nonsense.


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## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

Thank you Allen. I really like the cake analogy. Reframing it under those terms really help. 

As for those advising me to leave him; I appreciate your input. Time will tell if your advice proves correct but for now I am committed to trying to reconcile our marriage. There are extenuating circumstances that have brought me to this decision. It is not one that was made flippantly or without the input of our marriage counselor.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I found a lot of information about my fiance's EA through social media as well. She was pretty much having conversations with others online where, obviously other people can see.

Yes, for a while I did look regularly at my fiance's FB wall and came to the conclusion that whenever she liked something, it was inevitably something that I didn't do with him......

Between social media and the private messaging between them, it was useful. One, because whenever my fiance chided me about something, I was able to point out similar traits in his special "friend." that shut him up real quick. 

And just overall, if he liked her and I believe he did a lot, it obviously meant that he liked that sassy feistiness and that I needed to bump it up as well. That took me out of my comfort zone but I remind myself that some people need it. And it certainly improved our relationship.

When I finally confronted his "friendship" head on, he dropped her completely. And made amends with me on issues that particularly irked me.

Now I believe that the best thing a betrayed can do is 
1. gather as much info on the AP as you can
2. decide on your own exit strategy in case you need to invoke it
_all the while that you pretend at the moment not to be aware_
3. confront when you have done 1 &2 and pull the rug out from under their feet.
If they are in an exit affair, then it's over anyway. But do it on your own time, not theirs. If they're just out there sampling, pulling the foundation that they come home to (which can make them pickier and more confident with other people) will put them into a tailspin.
4. If this were to happen to me again, I would not have any problems going as far as hiring a PI to find out who their partner is and where they work. And then decide how I am going to use that info.

Out of curiosity, do you feel that you get anything out of your MC and IC?


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## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

NextTimeAround: Therapy has been much more helpful for my husband than it has for me. Don't get me wrong, it IS still helpful but I am a grad student studying to be a marriage and family therapist. So I already have gone into it aware of theories and concepts. I benefit a lot from active exercises in therapy and less from talk therapy because of my education and career background in mental health.

InTheory: Absolutely, I have neglected myself. I have been caught up in a rigorous academic program and work. It was a huge wake up call to focus back on myself and remember I need to live.

I am committed to being okay with, or without my husband. It will break my heart to divorce him but I'd rather do that than continue cycles of heartbreak via affairs.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

TheLily, first off you will come out of the obsession OK. Personally I believe it is normal. I'm a bloke who is more than a year out from DDay and I did quite a bit of obsessing about the PO excrement OM. 

It was more about revenge. He had me for youth, fitness, career etc but I didn't obsess about that as much as just wanting to beat the tripe out of him. But....to be honest, I did have to deal with the fact that he was on the totem pole and I wasn't. I couldn't change that fact. (but I have certainly cleaned up my act - I rock a lot more these days)

With time the pain passed, most of it, and I do what is right for me. I have learned from this - it woke me right up. 

Honestly, my gut tells me that he will do it to you again. There just seems to be a certain type, very prevalent as you know, who need that conquest thing or whatever it is. She gets her bent needs met and so does your husband.

Wish I could make you feel better but really, why spend years looking over your shoulder. Then again, it's your life.

best wishes to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TheLily said:


> Hello everyone. I am a new member but looking forward to finding support and guidance in the community. My husband and I are both 28 years old and have been together for five years. We have been married only since July but have been very good friends since we were kids.
> 
> We have a very long and very complex past but for the sake of not making you read a novel I will start with where we are currently.
> 
> ...


It's not healthy? Maybe not. But it is perfectly natural and understandable.

And you are gathering intel on the enemy of your marriage, after all...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Lily, what then does the profession think about continually checking up either on partner or affair partner?


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## TheLily (May 11, 2014)

Thank you all for your input. It helps to just share in the common experience of it. I suppose it makes it feel a bit more normal during a time when nothing feels normal.

NextTimeAround- My therapist encourages me to focus on myself and not on her. He'd ideally like to see zero attention paid to her.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

The affair really hurts the self-esteem.

But then I get told to had nothing to do with me, just her and the OM. 

That she liked the attention and I was giving her attention, but I can't compete with the thrill of the affair.

So do concentrate on yourself, it does matter more to me what I think about myself, rather than her opinion that I am fine and it was the thrill of the affair. That I could not do anything to stop it.

But somehow, it still is a huge blow to my self-esteem, so I am working on that.

Since you know more about counseling, than I ever will, I do hope your self-esteem is in a good place. 

Because you are a good person, not the backup plan. But they like to cheat. It is something about them, but it really hurts.

Hope things go better for you.


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat. My husband of only a year and a half had a three month affair with some loser at the gym. I found out in March too but it had already ended and she changed jobs to stay away from him. I hate to say it, but I also find myself obsessive over her. It's like I want to know why her? What did she have that I didn't? I know its not great for my self esteem to look at it that way, and I am trying hard not to but I just want to understand how and why this happened. It has been so devastating. 

We were together for 5 years too and he has never ever expressed any strange behavior like he had this winter. We are also working really hard to reconcile and in MC and he is in IC. But this woman wont leave him alone, she believes they are soul mates and doesn't understand what he sees in me. Her constant (but ignored) emails make it hard for me to not look for more clues. In some weird sense I think I might be obsessive about her in order to try to make sense of it all. As if it will give me some kind of answers. I am trying to rebuild trust with my husband but in a weird way, I feel like I might get more info from paying attention to her and what she is doing or saying. 

I know this was a rambling message, sorry. Its just that I am going through this exact same thing and I know how you feel. The best advice I can give (that I try to give myself) is just be brave, and let time pass. Time will make all of this easier.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Some time in the first 6 months of marriage, a man joins a dating site and starts cheating. Wow.

The only way you should stay together is if you can pinpoint what was missing from his marriage and what you failed to provide him that caused him to seek it elsewhere. 

It seems you don't know that piece of the puzzle, so you are speniding alot of time comparing yourself to her, trying to figure it out.

But it needs to come from him, so you can work on something and move forward.

If your husband does not "blame" you in some way, you should divorce him, since it means he cheats on wives even when he is happy, and therefore can never be trusted in the future.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Unfortunately, if I was still your age, I would probably be doing what you're doing. After investing 5 years in a relationship, I can see myself trying to save it too, because in your 20's, 5 years seems like a long time to be together. 

I'm so sorry to have to say this, but trust me, it's a drop in the bucket.

Married less than a year and he's already cheating on you?

Seriously - this is the time when the bond SHOULD be the STRONGEST. If he's unfaithful to you now, when your vows were just spoken a few short months ago, it's VERY likely this behavior is going to happen again. You are setting yourself up for a life of heartache. Your trust in him is in the toilet when you should believe that he will always be the one you can count on.

I'm older and wiser, sadly, by having seen infidelity firsthand. 

I've been with my husband a lot longer than you've been with yours. And he helped me care for my aging parents. We've been through surgeries and life threatening illness together - and THEN he went through a period when he says he "wasn't in my right mind." And he actually does have to take some psych medication, which he had decided to wean himself off of (and, interestingly, that's when the affair started, so he truly wasn't in a good place, psychologically speaking).

I HAVE decided to give my husband the gift of a second chance. But it's been an extremely difficult and painful process. 

You two took vows only a few months ago. Any catastrophic illnesses for him since then? Does he have any untreated mental health issues? What extenuating circumstances can you think of that might make you actually comfortable with the idea that this really was just a ONE TIME thing, a fluke - something truly out of character for him?

If you decide to stay with him, your obsessively checking on this other woman (OW #1?) will be the least of your worries: you will have to be watching HIM like a hawk. Going onto a dating website would be awful for any married man, but as a newlywed, it's just off the charts.

I understand clinging to your marriage, after being with him for 5 years and being in your 20's - but from the perspective of someone who's been cheated on and someone who's lived a lot more years and looks at 5 years a lot differently than you do, you are selling yourself short by sticking with someone like this. The odds are not good for you. He is showing you who he truly is. PAY ATTENTION. Actions speak louder than words. A newlywed who cheats on his wife will probably become a married man who cheats on his wife. I'm sorry, but that's just the most likely outcome if you stay married to him.


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