# Pregnant wife leaves after 6month marriage



## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

I come to TAM after spending months crying till my eye wells have gone dry, prayed till my knees are worn and hoped till my heart can't bear much more.

I have been married before and have two kids from previous marriage. I have full custody of the children. After a very brief courtship, I married my now enstranged wife. She really was unlike any other woman I had known. I wrote in my journal that this truly was the happiest moment of my life. She was great.

She became pregnant about two months into the marriage and we were all very excited. She's 31 and I'm 32. Then things started to change. She became more negative and just plain cranky. She also became more emotional. In hindsight I really should have done a better job being emotionally present for her. I worked hard so that she could be the full time mom she said she wanted to be. Again, I think we both underestimated the pressures this new environment would place on her. I should not have placed so much on her table so soon.

Anyways, about two months ago, she had to travel to get her immigration stuff sorted out in USA. We live in the UK. Two weeks into her stay in the US, she tells me she is done with the marriage, she will not be coming back and will be seeking a divorce - that I lied to her about who I was, I had mistreated and neglected her needs. Amazingly, she also accused me of carrying out inappropriate communication with other women and sexually forcing myself on her. These last two literally broke me to pieces. They were simply not true. Heaven and I know I could have been a better partner, I could have been more affectionate and patient. I also know we had great times. She's written emails thanking me for being supportive and strong, for being a good dad and working hard to provide for our family.

I begged and begged. I admitted to everything I was charged with - whether tru or not. I cried and begged some more asking if we could go to counselling. She said it was too late as she had earlier sought for this and I refused. I was not to contact any of her family or friends. I had earlier reached out to her dad and her good girlfriend. Doing the former was totally pointless and the latter resulted in me being accused of flirting with her girlfirend. None of them have since reached out to help. A solid wall of protection has been built around her and I have heard nothing. Communication is limited to emails only now. She will not communicate with anyone from my side who came to love her so much. Even the kids miss her so much but she's turned down requests to talk with them.

She has since not filed for divorce nor talked about it since first raised by her two months ago. Just a few days ago she emailed saying she is begging me to give her "time and space". I am not sure what to read into this.

I love and miss this girl so much. I also want us to raise our unborn daughter together but I feel entirely hopeless now. Though challenging, I certainly expected that it would take longer than 6months for us to blend our lives together. Surely we could have given this more time! I just don't get this. How do you fall out of love with someone so quickly and finally?

My questions are as follows:

1, How much of this turnaround could be down to hormones during pregnancy? 
2, If she wanted to get divorced, wouldn't she have done so by now?
3, Wha are your thoughts about she needing time and space?

Any helpful input will be much appreciated.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This forum tends to leap to recommend remembering to care for yourself and not base all your thinking and concern purely around your partner. This is very good advice in your case. All three of your questions are about your wife and not about you.

"Amazingly, she also accused me of carrying out inappropriate communication with other women and sexually forcing myself on her" - This is not an unusual tactic. There are a minority of women who will say these things to play with your mind, it is not rare. The great tragedy is that it becomes hard to convict genuine rapists.

May I ask what nationality you both are and where you are both living at the moment?

Your main problem at the moment is that you are trying to do everything you can to please her. Frankly, this leads to contempt. What you must do is get on with your life, there will come many posts advising on how to do this. 

Communiaction by email suggest two (there are more other people can come up with). Firstly, she may be ensuring everything is documented ready for divorce. The second possibility is more complex, you recall different realities adn she will conclude that you are either delusional or dishonest. Having stuff in writing makes more sense under those circumstances.

For the moment, if she has built a wall around herself, leave her to it. Contact a lawyer/solicitor and get on with your life.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to have you on this forum. There seems to be some build up to this that we are missing here. On the face of it, it sounds like she doesn't want to live here in the UK with you and is missing her family and friends.

Can you provide more info on your backgrounds etc. ?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Weather your leaving something out or she has not told you something, there is obviously more to the story. Any chance she returned to an old love back home?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> This forum tends to leap to recommend remembering to care for yourself and not base all your thinking and concern purely around your partner. This is very good advice in your case. All three of your questions are about your wife and not about you.
> 
> "Amazingly, she also accused me of carrying out inappropriate communication with other women and sexually forcing myself on her" - This is not an unusual tactic. There are a minority of women who will say these things to play with your mind, it is not rare. The great tragedy is that it becomes hard to convict genuine rapists.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I am black British and she is white American. We have both previously been in interracial relationships before. She has also been with a black guy with kids so no real shock there for her (I think).


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

intheory said:


> It could be pregnancy hormones; though I've never heard of anything this extreme.
> 
> What did you say to the women in the emails, that she thinks is flirting?
> 
> ...


The women in emails were women I met online while we were single. Three contacted me a month into our marriage. EVERY SINGLE ONE was told politely that "I am now happily married". One even invited me to hook up with her during a business trip to England to which I refused. I have flaws, but having affairs is simply not one of them. The other person she thought I was having an affair with was a guy (she thought I was meeting a woman) who was doing some work for my business. An unplanned meeting arose which meant I'd be late home for dinner.

I told her about this once I knew of it. It never dawned on me that she was thinking all along that I was doing something like having an affair.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? And DID she try to get you to work things out before she left?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

intheory said:


> Do you think she married you to get your money?
> 
> It sounds very irrational. Has she always been emotionally volatile.


I certainly doubt that she married me for money but I've had a few people make that suggestion. Sadly, I am too gullible or naive to believe such a thing could happen. I really don't think that's what's happening here.

She has had a very difficult life. Serious issues with family disfunctionality. Her parents came out a few months ago that they were getting divorced. She is a wonderful girl that has had to raise herself amidst such chaos. She has also been in bad relationships before ie guys cheating on her, abusing her and until a few years ago was effectively an alcoholic addicted to pain killers. She is very emotional - something I am not. I am a go up get done type of guy and nothing gets me down.

These said, I do not wish to suggest she is a bad person. She is great girl who has had her share of difficulties in life and I am yet to find a woman in her late 20's and 30's who does not have a baggage (we all do). I just figured these were all dealt with.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

PBear said:


> How long did you date before you got married? And DID she try to get you to work things out before she left?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We only dated for about four months. She says she did try to work things out before she left. This is very subjective of course. Right now, it is all bad this and bad that. She could not even think of something good about our marriage when I asked her a few months ago. I have email records from a few weeks before she left that indicates otherwise.

I even asked her some months back if she regretted marrying me (after we had a row) - she flatly said no and was not walking away from this marriage. All these accusations have only just come up since she arrived in America.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I hate to say it, but you should probably at least consider the notion that you're not the father of the child that your wife is currently carrying.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't think it's any more dramatic than her deciding she's made a horrible mistake and this is the only way she feels she can extricate herself from it. Cowardly, yes. But there it is.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you get married after dating for 4 months? Did you know her before that? And was your dating "long distance", or were you together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

PBear said:


> Why did you get married after dating for 4 months? Did you know her before that? And was your dating "long distance", or were you together?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth is that she ticked all the boxes. Everything felt and seemed right. The timing of everything could not have been better in terms of where we both were in our lives. We were/are of the same faith, shared the same values about family and children. 

We even met with a church leader during her visit to the UK before we got married. He spent good time advising us and also informing her of what life was like with me having 2 kids full time and with my work. I really do not believe that duration of courtship or distance was key here. We are both adults who made a decision - I cannot fathom this jumping ship at the earliest sight of difficulty.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You go ahead and stick with your beliefs, then. I'm going to say that you two (her in particular) didn't fully appreciate the situation, and it likely is a major part of your current problem. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Does anyone have views or suggestions on her request for time and space? In emails, she still refers to herself as my wife and has never objected to me doing the same when I communicate with her.

So, I feel there are mixed messages coming through or may well be simply clutching at straws and deluding myself. Man - I am in such a mess. Why would people do this, especially given we had several discussions about marriage and divorce before we got married. I have questions which simply plague my mind.

This is just beyond my comprehension that someone can just simply walk away from a marriage with kids involved and another on the way in this fashion.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

She sounds unstable. This is much more than hormones. 

Although you both sound a little off for jumping into an international (not interracial) marriage so quick. Especially with two kids already under your charge.

It is so easy to "tick all of the boxes" and keep them ticked for 4 months or 12. That is hardly enough time to get to know somebody for who they really are.

Once you married, the blinders came off in what should probably just have been a six month fling. Had you guys not already been married at that point, you probably would have been broken up by then. 

Don't expect support from her family. It is your side versus her and they are emotionally invested into her - blood is thicker and all of that. At this point, I would advise you to contact a lawyer and find out what your next steps are. Since she is in another country and still pregnant, there are a lot of complications here.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Invictus, I have got to say that your marriage seems to have been a whirlwind and dare I say, fraught with potential problems.

Firstly, you did not really know each other well enough.

Secondly, she seems to have come from a troubled background and one can only guess at why she agreed to get married this quickly.

Thirdly, you yourself do not appear to be stable in your approach to this relationship.

Fourthly, moving countries and even continents this soon for her would have been problematic especially since she does not have a support network in the UK.

And finally, throw into this mix her pregnancy hormones and you have a recipe for disaster.

You need to take the advice being given with regard to looking at what your legal options are. Also, you probably have to sit down with her and really understand where all this is coming from and be prepared for her "change of mind" however she phrases it. Once the honeymoon period is over and without a solid base to fall back on, this sort of thing could very well happen. You need to reassure her that you understand and maybe start your relationship all over again, being fully prepared to part ways if no other resolution can be reached.

My tuppence worth.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> She sounds unstable. This is much more than hormones.
> 
> Although you both sound a little off for jumping into an international (not interracial) marriage so quick. Especially with two kids already under your charge.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

All of this x1000!!!

I bet your bottom dollar that someone got in her head about giving birth in a _foreign_ (using that term loosely) country. Someone probably told her that if she gives birth in England she may not have the same parental rights that she would have in the US.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Getting legal advice asap is a good one. She may just be trying to appease you long enough to establish residency in the US and have her baby. Then it may be up to you to fight a court battle there for custody and support. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Invictusme said:


> All these accusations have only just come up since she arrived in America.


 She either met another man or reconnected with another man from her past. Either way her asking you for space, is her freeing herself up to date another man. In cheaters lingo, the minute that they tell you that they want space, it is no longer cheating to date other men. You are now plan B. 

Also, although I am not saying that I know this to be true, has it occurred to you that she is not sure that the child is yours, and that she wants to have the baby with you not there until she determines this? Again, I am not saying that I know this to be true. I am only saying that her actions are consistent with this.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Honestly who knows? It's all speculation. It could also be that she went home, was homesick, she realized she was going to spend the rest of her life in the U.K. away from home, got scared and stayed.

Either way, OP said she has a lot of baggage. It doesn't sound like she has good judgment either.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Invictus, I have got to say that your marriage seems to have been a whirlwind and dare I say, fraught with potential problems.
> 
> Firstly, you did not really know each other well enough.
> 
> ...


Your tuppence is very valuable indeed - thank you. I will love to start all over again as I am not afraid to put in the work. Marriage means more to me than just a piece of paper. I am a big believer in putting in the effort to work things out. Sometimes, a greater degree of patience and time is needed on the side of one party while the other works out his/her issues. From what I've seen around me, those who managed to stay loyal during the tough times and continue to show love when nothing is coming back, seem to make for a stronger marriage - when they do pull through. I suppose this will only work provided the 'unhappy' partner doesn't jump ship before you can say boo.

Knowing what I've been through, I will work my darndest to do my part. As per legal option - I am covered but would rather stay far away from another divorce case if I can help it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

When she left the country she reconnected with an old lover who had probably dumped her earlier thus not giving her closure. That made her want him all the more and you can't compete with it. 

Her wanting you to "give her space" is code for "I want to shag this guy without you interfering." 

Do you have any way to spy on her electronic communications?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Make sure that's your child before putting name on birth certificate.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Invictusme said:


> She has had a very difficult life. Serious issues with family disfunctionality. Her parents came out a few months ago that they were getting divorced. She is a wonderful girl that has had to raise herself amidst such chaos. She has also been in bad relationships before ie guys cheating on her, abusing her and until a few years ago was effectively an alcoholic addicted to pain killers. She is very emotional - something I am not. I am a go up get done type of guy and nothing gets me down.
> 
> These said, I do not wish to suggest she is a bad person. She is great girl who has had her share of difficulties in life and I am yet to find a woman in her late 20's and 30's who does not have a baggage (we all do). I just figured these were all dealt with.


I would not marry somebody has such life experience. When she claimed everybody treated her wrong, she is the wrong person. Now she will refer you to other people as her "cheating and abusing husband" - just like her exs. Her life is full of drama and troubles. Now you are part of it.

It is easy to fake a perfect match with you for 4 months. She is not a great girl like you deluded. She is absolutely abnormal and unstable. Don't try to figure her out. Because you cannot if you are normal. Why don't you control what you can control? You have two kids to take care. She is not a wife material so don't waste your energy and learn a lesson.

Have you heard of those people who can only seek happiness through misery? They actually enjoy being misery because that's their way to feel happy. So they will create their own drama to wallow in the misery in their own mind. Not sure your wife is one of them or not, but she definitely sounds like a person who is not right in the head.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> When she left the country she reconnected with an old lover who had probably dumped her earlier thus not giving her closure. That made her want him all the more and you can't compete with it.
> 
> Her wanting you to "give her space" is code for "I want to shag this guy without you interfering."
> 
> Do you have any way to spy on her electronic communications?


I would be very shocked if there was an affair but I doubt there is. Respectfully, I do worry about how quickly people raise affairs and promiscuity on this forum. Perhaps I have lived too sheltered a life. ..being on TAM is thus far been eye opening 

As per emails. .. I was able to check these for about two weeks after she left and I went through everything - emails going back years, text messages backed up and instant messages. There was nothing to raise an eye brow at. If anything, there were emails with friends just a few months before leaving where she told them that married life was difficult but she loved me and was happy to have a supportive husband. She also commented on how beautiful England was and how glad she was to be away from the drama at home.

These just make me even more confused. Just a few months ago she was happy, despite our difficulties communicating - all of a sudden there's nothing good enough in our marriage and I am a controlling sexual abuser. Had she been lying to my face as to how she loved me and was committed to our married despite our issues, I could understand why but she surely wouldn't be making up stories about how she was grateful to be here in emails with her closest friends. 

Anyway - she has changed password now. Probably good for my sanity.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Update:

Very difficult day yesterday missing her and trying to hold things together at home with kids. It's very hard. 

I am keeping communication to the barest minimum of about a 3-4 sentence email asking how she is doing, her health and the pregnancy also. I tell her I am thinking of and praying for both her and baby on the way. That's all. I keep communication to about 1-2 emails a week. Pitiful, but that's the reality for about a week now.

I got an email reply yesterday which was rather soothing. It was an update on ultrasound scans, slight complication with the pregnancy and how she is doing. She even included a smiley - pathetic that I'd even notice this - but hey. It just seemed friendly (though not loving).

Her email was longer than mine, not aggressive nor negative in any way. It warmed my heart but I soon went cold knowing I could end up with a child I don't get to see (she knows how much I love being a dad and cherish kids - irony is that this was something she said she loved about me). I also just felt rather cynical as the cynicism came flooding in because we are not addressing the issues of our marriage nor our future together. 

While it made my day hearing from her, and I told her this in my reply, I just don't know what to read into the email. Either way, I've chosen not to read much great news into it.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

intheory said:


> invictus,
> 
> You sound like a great guy. Sorry you are dealing with this. It is very odd.
> 
> ...


:iagree: x1000

Couldn't agree more. It just seem a very cowardly thing to me i.e telling your husband you're getting divorced from 6000miles away over the telephone - having never even raised the prospect before jumping on a plane. 

I really do believe here's a case of validating friends hearing one side of a story and saying "Oh wow! That is horrible. No one deserves to be treated like that. You deserve better than that. You know I love you and I am here for you whatever you decide. What a terrible experience that must have been"

I cannot imagine myself ever doing this but I know too many 'friends' end up being what I call Job's comforters. They validate bad behaviour as well as plain dumb ones instead of encouraging maturity and responsibility. Heaven help us all.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> All of this x1000!!!
> 
> I bet your bottom dollar that someone got in her head about giving birth in a _foreign_ (using that term loosely) country. Someone probably told her that if she gives birth in England she may not have the same parental rights that she would have in the US.


Ha! Whoever that friend is clearly has no clue. Where the baby is born in the UK or US (state where she is resident) has no negative impact on her parental rights. In almost all legal jurisdictions in the western world - women (mothers) have greater rights than men if not the same as man. Either way - it is never ever less than the man. Just saying


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I hate to say it, but you should probably at least consider the notion that you're not the father of the child that your wife is currently carrying.


My first thought. It is an explanation.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Bpd


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

Ive read about the possibility of another man but im wondering if its too much of a stretch to suggest she may be a con artist? Maybe she wanted a baby and child support $$$ but not a father so she does a quick marriage, gets pregnant, and then fleas and divorces and when the baby's born demand child support. The reason she hasnt filed yet may be in case something goes wrong with the pregnancy she can try again without a new courtship. Does child support cross countries? Is this too devious an idea?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Invictusme said:


> Ha! Whoever that friend is clearly has no clue. Where the baby is born in the UK or US (state where she is resident) has no negative impact on her parental rights. In almost all legal jurisdictions in the western world - women (mothers) have greater rights than men if not the same as man. Either way - it is never ever less than the man. Just saying


I agree with you. But you know how misinformed people can be! LOL!!


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Did I read correctly when you said she was basically an alcoholic addicted to painkillers? If this is true why would you want to marry a person in active addiction? 

I suggest you look at ALANON. You sound woefully codependent to me.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

JustTired said:


> :
> 
> I bet your bottom dollar that someone got in her head about giving birth in a _foreign_ (using that term loosely) country. Someone probably told her that if she gives birth in England she may not have the same parental rights that she would have in the US.



Or the kid could become an American citizen automatically or she does not trust UK doctors or...

If she came to USA for immigration issues are those issues UK related or USA related, in other words is she a native American citizen or from yet another country that lived in the USA ?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

lancaster said:


> Did I read correctly when you said she was basically an alcoholic addicted to painkillers? If this is true why would you want to marry a person in active addiction?
> 
> I suggest you look at ALANON. You sound woefully codependent to me.


She was up to about 3 years ago. She has not touched alcohol since nor the painkillers. In fact she's so clean that she will not even take ordinary medicine. Before she left, we had to source natural remedies/medicines and supplements.

So - she is not in active addiction as you suggested. Apologies if I did not make that clear enough.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> Or the kid could become an American citizen automatically or she does not trust UK doctors or...
> 
> If she came to USA for immigration issues are those issues UK related or USA related, in other words is she a native American citizen or from yet another country that lived in the USA ?


She was born in America and is a citizen there. I am British. She moved over here knowing that after marriage she would need to return to the US to process her immigration papers to settle in the UK as my wife.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

JustTired said:


> I agree with you. But you know how misinformed people can be! LOL!!


Your guys are trying to figure her out as a normal person. I don't think she is a normal one. She does not think the way normal people thinks. Look at her life pattern: every partner in her life has mistreated her. They are all cheaters and abusers - including OP now. That's the drama she created for herself in her own mind. Because she described OP as a monster, so her friend and family supported her not returning to her husband. 

Anyway, I believe she is sick in her head and OP shall just save himself. She should never have any kids.

Oh, BTW, these kind of sick people are especially good at faking a perfect match at beginning of the relationship. They will make you fall in love within very short time and make you think you have finally met your soul mate. After you have already emotionally invested in them, then when they show their true color, it is difficult for you to emotionally detach from them. Because you miss too much of the "perfect one" at beginning.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

RollerCoasterRide said:


> Ive read about the possibility of another man but im wondering if its too much of a stretch to suggest she may be a con artist? Maybe she wanted a baby and child support $$$ but not a father so she does a quick marriage, gets pregnant, and then fleas and divorces and when the baby's born demand child support. The reason she hasnt filed yet may be in case something goes wrong with the pregnancy she can try again without a new courtship. Does child support cross countries? Is this too devious an idea?


Honestly, right now - I don't even know what to think anymore.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> She was born in America and is a citizen there. I am British. She moved over here knowing that after marriage she would need to return to the US to process her immigration papers to settle in the UK as my wife.


You realise a prolonged absence will have the UKBA asking questions. "I needed space from my husband" is not the answer they're looking for.

Who is she staying with?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> You realise a prolonged absence will have the UKBA asking questions. "I needed space from my husband" is not the answer they're looking for.
> 
> Who is she staying with?


She's staying with her brother and sister in law. This same SIL was one I sent a WhatsApp message soon after my wife left asking for her help knowing my wife would have told her 'a story'. After ignoring me, she eventually replied saying she cannot help me and that my wife had made up her mind. This was just two weeks after she left.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Invictusme said:


> I really do not believe that duration of courtship or distance was key here.


Seriously? You think marrying a person you've known 4 months is smart?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> Seriously? You think marrying a person you've known 4 months is smart?



Seriously? How do you expect me to change that now, when there's a baby involved? 

'Smartness' of decision is no longer the issue as I can't change the past. Until she files for a divorce, I am here to get practical suggestions on a way forward to either save our marriage, survive while separated, and/or move forward if I end up divorced. I'm sure you will agree that as much as possible, I have to try and live in the present - not the past nor in the future.

For me, that there's a child involved adds a different dimension to the equation. I hope you can appreciate that.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I hate to say it, but you should probably at least consider the notion that you're not the father of the child that your wife is currently carrying.


i was thinking the same thing. that or pregnancy hormones.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> All of this x1000!!!
> 
> I bet your bottom dollar that someone got in her head about giving birth in a _foreign_ (using that term loosely) country. Someone probably told her that if she gives birth in England she may not have the same parental rights that she would have in the US.


maybe she does just want to have the baby in USA, get the baby a US citizenship, then maybe she would be willing to go back to UK?? ask her about that.


since she is staying at brother/sil's house, have you called THEM and talked about it? You might get some insight into her long term plans, any hangups she has about your marriage, etc.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> maybe she does just want to have the baby in USA, get the baby a US citizenship, then maybe she would be willing to go back to UK?? ask her about that.


My son is British because I am British, irrespective of the nationality of his mother or where in the world he's born. It's his birthright. Pretty sure it would be the same for a US citizen.

Thing is in this situation this isn't a simple question of where she'd like their daughter born (reasonable) but her wanting to end the marriage - a complete unknown. We can only speculate.

Invictusme, is there any chance you can get over to the US and talk to her in person?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It is the same, probably easier, for birth abroad you simply register the birth with the local US embassy (CRBA) and that's about it.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> maybe she does just want to have the baby in USA, get the baby a US citizenship, then maybe she would be willing to go back to UK?? ask her about that.
> 
> 
> since she is staying at brother/sil's house, have you called THEM and talked about it? You might get some insight into her long term plans, any hangups she has about your marriage, etc.


Thank you for your insights murphy5. Where the baby is born will not a bit of difference to his nationality. He'll be British and American by right of birth to British dad and American mum. 

As per her brother and SIL - BAD NEWS!!! They're only interested in 'supporting her in her decision'. The brother wouldn't talk to me, was not happy about me marrying his sister in the first place then moving 6000miles away. He has failed to respond to my communication. At least his wife had the courtesy to reply to an instant message plea of mine by simply saying she couldn't help as my wife had made up her mind. I have not heard a fart from them since then. An impenetrable wall of silence or defence has been built around her. She too has warned me agains contacting any of her family or friends. Doing so was evidence of me 'violating her boundaries', being controlling and disrespectful of her wishes.

The only contact she would allow now is by email. Her phone number no longer works or she changed it and I was not given it. The communication lockdown is as solid as when Obama was after Bin Laden. It's just surreal.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

azteca1986 said:


> My son is British because I am British, irrespective of the nationality of his mother or where in the world he's born. It's his birthright. Pretty sure it would be the same for a US citizen.
> 
> Thing is in this situation this isn't a simple question of where she'd like their daughter born (reasonable) but her wanting to end the marriage - a complete unknown. We can only speculate.
> 
> Invictusme, is there any chance you can get over to the US and talk to her in person?



Ok so this will probably drive you guys nutts but here's a straightforward answer.

I travelled to the US, even though she initially told me she did not want to see me. 6000miles and nearly 15 hours I travelled. SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS AND REFUSED TO SEE ME OR TALK ON THE TELEPHONE. I stayed in a motel. She refused to pick me up from the airport also.

This is probably the most painful thing thus far but I overlooked it as I have many friends in the US who kindly accommodated me throughout my 4 day trip. I enjoyed the holiday quite frankly and took full advantage of the strength of the £ over the $ by buying a whole luggage full of clothes for the kids. Heaven knows I love America for the stupidly low cost of living.  Heaven also knows I have licked my backside in letting this gal know how sorry I am and how willing I am to do what it takes to fix my part of this marriage. 

Eventually, she will have to talk with me about what she wants to do. If she wants a divorce- I have no choice but we all must bear the short and long term consequences of our actions. Karma is real.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

UPDATE: 

I woke up this morning (as one does) feeling down as usual. However, almost as a miracle the words of Red in the movie Shawshank Redemption sunk deep into my consciousness. You may remember the scene where he says "Get busy living, or get busy dieing". 

I chose the former. I have way too many things going great for me in my life. I have the most amazing kids any parent could ask for. I have zero financial worries. I am in perfect health and great shape - could easily be mistaken for a running back (actually I often get asked while visiting the USA what football team do I play for) I initially get confused because football in England is soccer in America plus I don't do 'soccer'. I have very few things that stress me out in life. So with these blessings flooding my mind this morning, I decided to totally let go of the things I cannot control. 

I got on my knees and told God that I am letting go of any guilt, shame or doubt in myself. No more tears, no more begging. I leave Him to figure things out with my wife until she wants to talk with me.

I went downstairs, did some work, the laundry before packing my gym bag. I called my buddy to come play golf and that was it. Unbelievable!

Brilliant day


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The dimension it adds is that you need to get busy protecting yourself before you end up paying support for a child you never get to see. You don't know this woman, and what she'll do. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Invictusme said:


> The truth is that she ticked all the boxes. Everything felt and seemed right. The timing of everything could not have been better in terms of where we both were in our lives. We were/are of the same faith, shared the same values about family and children.
> 
> We even met with a church leader during her visit to the UK before we got married. He spent good time advising us and also informing her of what life was like with me having 2 kids full time and with my work. I really do not believe that duration of courtship or distance was key here. We are both adults who made a decision - I cannot fathom this jumping ship at the earliest sight of difficulty.


I had a similar situation, a Brit with an American wife. The wedding was a huge turning point in her behaviour and she genuinely could not see it herself. We had a decent long courtship and engagment and full pre-marital counselling. It seems that this just 

Many poster on here are also American and will consider the culture shock of moving to the UK to be enormous, whereas they would not consider moving to the USA a big deal. Frankly, having moved from the USA is not an excuse to be crakcers.

The allegations she is making suggest that she is working hard to make herself the victim. This means that deep down she suspects it is the other way round.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

*UPDATE:*

So I finally plucked up the courage to ask my wife the questions I was afraid to ask. Boy did some of her answers hurt. Effectively, everything she pretty much had to say about me as a dad (something she once loved about me) or the several messages, texts and spoken while we were together about how much she loved me, life in England and how supportive I was to her were thoroughly rubbished. 

There seemed to have been one reason or the other why much of what she said that were great about our marriage (while we lived together in the UK) were now very different to what she recalls of the same marriage now she is back in America. Quite frankly, if you were to read our emails, texts and IMs from say 2-7months ago and then speak with her today - you would think she was talking about a different marriage. Yes there certainly were problems as in all marriages but no one - not even the children, our friends, myself nor anyone over here thought things were as bad as are being made out. 

Surely, a stormy relationship would somewhat be reflected, at least in part, in some of these correspondences right? Am I wrong in thinking this way?

The things she said in response to my questions were very hurtful indeed and I sometimes wished I never asked. However, I just now know that this whole is plain bizarre in light of the emails she even sent to her friends a few months ago saying how happy she is over here. This is just nuts right?

I then pressed her on the question of if she was filing for a divorce and when - her reply was she hadn't thought that far ahead but was only thinking of the baby and her health right now though she remains sure of not moving ahead with the marriage. I couldn't understand this avoidance despite asking if she still plans to file for a divorce at any time in the future. Ironically, she has never used the 'D' word again since she first raised it a few months ago.:scratchhead: 

Lastly, I sent her this (redacted) email a few days ago:

_Dear XX,

Thank you for your correspondence of yesterday. I have thought through a lot of things and wish to say these:

(1)
I am happy to pay for your pre-natal massage and counselling. The money will be paid into your bank account. I will make no further payments into my own US account. I therefore ask you to please provide me with details of your account.

(2)
I have checked the receipt for the rings. I purchased insurance for the wedding ring only. Claim cannot be made for a lost item or stolen item which were not reported to police with accompanying police report. No insurance company will pay out just like that

(3)
You should let me know when you wish to file for the divorce or if you are yet unsure as to what you want to do. That you have not yet thought that far, as you said earlier, is understood but surely - you know what you have decided to do. I am only asking you to categorically tell me - will you be filing for a divorce at some point in the future? Yes or No. If unsure, then what are the alternatives. I think I deserve an honest answer?

From where I stand, my love for you remains intact. Very many hurtful things have been said and massive blows have landed - all of which I forgive you of. Regardless of these and all that have transpired over the last 7-8 months or so, I will still welcome you into my heart, life and our home today if you asked for it. There would be no looking back, but that is truly who I am and how God has made me.

The ball is now in your court. I loved and was committed to you XX. I remain so and my conscience is clear. You are now in control. I continue to pray for you and the baby. Stay well. _
------------------

I have heard nothing again from her since I wrote this email to her. As my therapist said to me after I shared this with him 3 days ago - "..now shut up and wait! It works all the time". I am stopping all contact and heck it feels like eternity.

This is so painful and sad. Why do people do this kind of crap? Why do people give up on precious things so easily? Why threaten divorce only to then be told "go ahead" without then doing it? I do not want to divorce..this is just wrong!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My feeling is that the pregnancy got her thinking about how far away she was from her family and everything she's ever known. It's easy for you to go on about not jumping ship because you kept your life, it was her that had to fit into yours. Not trying to say you're anything but a great guy, but I wonder if you fully appreciate this. 

Not that i think she handled it great, but this kind of thing is a risk when you marry someone from a different country that's not already settled in yours..... there's always a chance they're going to get homesick. Pregnancy triggers a nesting instinct and that may have caused her to reflect on what she left behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Either that or she met a man.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well if the family wont talk to you, and her memory of living with you were some sort of living hell....it sounds like it is time to get the heck out of Dodge. Divorce her, like now. HOPEFULLY you will not have to support the OM's kid in the divorce decree.

If you get caught up in who is the father, demand a DNA test, and lawyer up


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a UK lawyer yet to figure out your options?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Being pregnant recently, pregnancy hormones do not make you want to leave your husband. That is a completely separate thing. Pregnancy hormones can make you emotionally unstable, but they would never drive you to say "I want a divorce" unless you already felt that way without them.

I would also like to add the possibility of another man. I know that you don't want to hear it, and I know you want to think that she could never do something like that. But with such a turnaround, it seems entirely possible and explanatory of other things. She first slept with the man, making her think she wants to be with him and not you the next day, prompting her telling you she wants a divorce and being firm about that. She made up these stories about your abusive behavior to justify her sleeping with the other man, and she told them to you and her family so that you look like the bad guy instead of her. Then, the OM was unsure of whether he wanted to be with her, so she is not being certain with you while she waits for him to decide if he wants to be with her long term. Possibly, they are going back & forth in their relationship and she is waiting to see if it works out with him so she'll know whether to tell you she wants a divorce.

I'm really sorry this is happening. Since I am religious, i will tell you that i made the same mistake in marrying the wrong person. God has a person for every one of us, and if we don't marry the person He intends for us, it's a recipe for trouble. Next time take the time to ask him to guide you to the person He intends you to be with. This person will never cheat or leave.

Good luck!!


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you talked to a UK lawyer yet to figure out your options?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am very very familiar with UK law and lawyers (heck I even know the judges at my 'local'). I did my divorce with ex all by myself including child custody and financial arrangements. Actually, (I digress) at one of the hearings where ex had a barrister, the judge blatantly commended my cross examination for effectiveness and rigour before saying "..and counsel will do well to learn from your example"  The barrister looked thoroughly embarrassed as she wasted someone's money big time i.e I got full custody and pay ex £1 a year. YUP a year!!!

I have spoken with a US attorney also. I am safe financially due to the following:

1, Cross border jurisdictions will make it nigh impossible or difficult and expensive to get money out of me. She will have to fork out a bit of wonga to prosecute the case in return for very little (I'll explain why nex)

2, The State in which we got married will only award alimony for the same amount of time of marriage i.e in this case 7months or so. In any case, and given the fact that she had little or no money coming into the marriage and that it only lasted a few months, it would be very difficult (according to him) to see how a court would award any alimony at all.

3, Since I have kids of which I have full custody (they're with me 6 days a week) this will reduce the amount I may have t pay for child support. My calculations based on state justice department suggests I'll only be paying about $150-200 a month. I am more than happy to look after my own (so long as it is mine of course). I will not be a dead beat wasteman dad. No not I

4, Lastly, I could choose to file first and play to my advantage because I set the pace and have more control. However, I am not interested at present in doing so. If she wants to, then she has the green light.

I can assure you guys - I am no fool. I also believe in karma. I have done everything in good faith.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

I have a question for you smart folks here on TAM.

I am a pretty ambitious guy. Heaven knows I have calmed down a lot as I've gotten older. Kids and full time parenting also reminds you of your own humanity also  I have a pretty great life with high profile jobs and a good income. I am rather highly educated and I dare say my brain cells are in pretty good shape - so here is my question -

My currently estranged wife tells me I controlled and abused her. I honestly do not know how I do this. The examples she has given of me doing so are in my view, instances where we both disagreed on how something should be done. If she does not get her way - I am controlling. The idea that we can just simply disagree and still be happy together is just foreign. 

1)
Do you think that this idea of control is used far too loosely and without the 'victim' really fully understanding what they're talking about? 

2)
Might it just be a indication of the person's own internal insecurities or something else? 

3)
Do you think that therapists sometimes are way too quick to place a label on a behaviour which just makes it easier for the client to walk away saying "Ahh! That's what it is" 

I hope these questions make sense.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yes, yes, and maybe yes.

1 and 2 are also "projections"... For 3... There's always the chance that the therapist wants to milk it as long as possible too so... 

That's for IC. For MC with two viewpoints it's "easier" to for the therapist to actually listen for and point out differences and ways to resolve them rather than IC where it's more of a one way street..,


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you tell us a bit about the events she called controlling ? In her words, if possible ?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> Yes, yes, and maybe yes.
> 
> 1 and 2 are also "projections"... For 3... There's always the chance that the therapist wants to milk it as long as possible too so...
> 
> That's for IC. For MC with two viewpoints it's "easier" to for the therapist to actually listen for and point out differences and ways to resolve them rather than IC where it's more of a one way street..,


You know I totally hear you john117.

What kind of therapist will hear one side of a marital problem and then recommend divorce, label the absent partner as an abuser thus giving language to the client's own bias? 

I am one of these guys that beats myself up, is quick to apologise (slow to change at times) but never shy from owning my stuff. Is there anything wrong with inviting your partner to do the same?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> Can you tell us a bit about the events she called controlling ? In her words, if possible ?


This, in all honesty is difficult to do because, there has been such an array of kitchen sinks thrown this way that I can't even tell a porcelain unit from an aluminium one. 

A most recent one that I can recall is me cancelling the Amex card she uses while she was in the US. There was NO discussion whatsoever before she left that she would not be coming back to the UK. When we got married, I added her to my Gold card. This has no spending limit. It works great for airmiles and we use it just for family grocery shopping. Put it this way, in the first two weeks of her arriving in the US, I will say she spent over $5000!!! This is more than 4x what she was earning before we were married. I raised the expenditures with her but it did not stop. In my eyes, she walked out of the family home where we had everything she was now buying in the US. There are kids here and our overheads are here. Eventually, I had no choice but to cancel her card and another credit card she had.

All these have been paid off now and I'm still solvent but the tap is turned off. 

Next thing I knew was that she started telling me that I was using money to control her and she would show me she can survive financially without me. Thus far - she has been struggling. I just will not finance her lifestyle. However, how the hell do I end up being labelled as a controlling partner.

When she was here, she had passwords to all my email accounts, online banking, I NEVER EVER queried what she spent money on. I had absolutely no knowledge of her passwords. Does this sound like a controlling husband? My thoughts are that when people don't get what they want, you become some name pulled out of a counselling 101 text book. Sad thing is that when this label is pulled out by a trusted therapist - it ends up defining you in the eyes of the client.

That becomes the barrier you have to overcome forever more.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm confused her therapist told her that you were controlling?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> You know I totally hear you john117.
> 
> 
> 
> What kind of therapist will hear one side of a marital problem and then recommend divorce, label the absent partner as an abuser thus giving language to the client's own bias?



If the person in therapy is "convincing enough" and the story is enough of a tear jerker, yea, I could easily see it happening. That's the risk of - in the USA at least - of making it WAY too easy to become a therapist in my view. 

Whether the therapist is inexperienced, clueless, or the milking kind does not matter at the end. 

My older daughter spent nearly 3 years in therapy and I often participated in it as well, and my wife occasionally as well (who was the root cause of the issue). But the therapist was exceptional. I mean, exceptional. And still after everything was said and done I was not quite sure what we had accomplished. I know it helped my girl deal with her mom, and eventually diagnosed my wife with BPD, but in the grand scheme of things nothing much changed. My girl got her sh!t together for college, mom accepted her choices, and that was that. And that was a success story. 

Was the therapist in question in the USA or UK?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> If the person in therapy is "convincing enough" and the story is enough of a tear jerker, yea, I could easily see it happening. That's the risk of - in the USA at least - of making it WAY too easy to become a therapist in my view.
> 
> Whether the therapist is inexperienced, clueless, or the milking kind does not matter at the end.
> 
> ...


Her therapist is in the US


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> I'm confused her therapist told her that you were controlling?


I am only adding two and two together to make five.

She never ever used the controlling word when she was here in the UK. All of a sudden, she returns to the US, went to see her therapist at around the same time when I stopped the Amex and other card - then the labels such as 'control' 'abuse' starts to emerge. 

Perhaps her friends helped her to conceptualise what she felt she was experiencing or (I think more likely) her therapist did. Either way the timing just seemed odd.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused by the example you gave.

You said that your wife traveled to the USA to deal with some immigration issues.

At the time that she charged $5,000 on the card, did you know that she intended to not return to the UK?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Hello, unconquerable soul (aka, "Invictus"). I agree with with *Ricky* (post 33 above) that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., emotional instability, rapid flip between adoring you and devaluing you, irrational jealousy, vindictive allegations, black-white thinking, outrageous rewriting of history, dysfunctional family history, and lack of impulse control -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Granted, the most common cause for emotional instability is a strong hormone change, as often occurs during pregnancy. I nonetheless agree with *MissTaken* that your W's outrageous claims -- that you lied, forced yourself on her sexually, and flirted with other women -- seem to go far beyond a hormone problem. These extremely abusive behaviors -- together with her bad childhood and her impulsive behavior prior to becoming pregnant -- are red flags for a personality disorder such as BPD. 



> She is very emotional.


Although the diagnostic manual lists nine behavioral traits for BPD, they are not equal in importance. The key defining trait for BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. The result is that a BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) will often appear to be "very emotional," as you say. Indeed, it is this childlike expression of intense emotions and vulnerability that makes it so easy to fall in love with a BPDer. 

This means that, during the infatuation period, you will enjoy an extremely passionate and intimate time with the BPDer. Not surprisingly, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. After the infatuation period ends, however, this inability to manage emotions means that you will be subjected to one drama after another. 

Because a BPDer has been experiencing intense emotions for a lifetime, she typically will quickly become bored when emotions are mild. This is one reason that BPDers seek drama by creating fights over absolutely nothing. Generally, they are only interested in creating more drama, not finding solutions to the problem at hand.



> She has had a very difficult life. Serious issues with family disfunctionality.


A recent large scale study (pub. 2008 ) found that 70% of BPDers say they were abused, neglected, or abandoned in childhood. BPD therefore is believed to be caused by a combination of genetics and a dysfunctional childhood environment. 



> She has also been in bad relationships before ie guys cheating on her, abusing her.


Really? You don't know that is true. Your W is now telling American friends and family that YOU abused her sexually and cheated on her by flirting with other women. BPDers typically idealize their BFs for about six months and then, when the infatuation fades away, they start devaluing or demonizing him. Hence, the higher on the pedestal you are placed, the farther you will fall when she kicks you off. Accordingly, a BPDer will genuinely believe her new BF is her savior (from unhappiness) and then believe -- six months later -- he is the cause of her every misfortune.



> Until a few years ago was effectively an alcoholic addicted to pain killers.


One of the nine basic BPD traits is the lack of impulse control. It therefore is common for BPDers to become addicted to alcohol or drugs (as your W did several years ago) or to impulsively spend money (as your W did to the tune of $5,000 on arrival in the States). 



> Even the kids miss her so much but she's turned down requests to talk with them.


This behavior is NOT a BPD trait. Although I've known many BPDers, I've never heard of one who, after living with two young kids for six months, would cut them off in such a heartless fashion. Likewise, I've never heard of a hormone problem causing such icy cold behavior. 

Hence, if your W actually does have strong BPD traits, she may also has strong traits of narcissism or sociopathy. This would not be surprising because most BPDers also suffer from at least one other PD (such as narcissism or sociopathy) -- together with one or two "clinical disorders" such as depression, bipolar, or anxiety.



> She really was unlike any other woman I had known. ... this truly was the happiest moment of my life. She was great.


As I said above, BPDers are VERY EASY to fall in love with. One reason is that they typically have a purity of expression that otherwise is only seen in young children. Another reason is that they generally "mirror" all the best features of their lovers. Until their infatuation starts to fade, they will genuinely enjoy nearly all the activities and friends that their partners enjoy. This mirroring usually is so nearly perfect that you will be convinced that you've met your "soul mate." And, because she is truly infatuated, the BPDer also will be convinced of the same thing.



> How do you fall out of love with someone so quickly and finally?


If she is a BPDer, Invictus, it is to be expected that she will alternate between periods of "splitting you black" (devaluing or even hating you) and "splitting you white" (adoring you). Because a BPDer's emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old, she lacks the maturity to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. A BPDer therefore will "split off" the conflicting feeling, putting it out of reach of her conscious mind. 

In this way, she only has to experience one intense feeling (love or disdain) at a time. The result is that a BPDer can rapidly flip from adoring you to devaluing you. And she will flip back just as quickly. It therefore is common for a BPDer to think you are her salvation for several weeks and then, in just ten seconds, be triggered into thinking you are the cause of her every misfortune. 

What is happening, of course, is that her very pure and intense feeling (of love or disdain) is distorting her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion." And this is why, if you really are married to a BPDer, it will oftentimes feel like she is "rewriting history" -- and it will seem like she is half-way to having a split personality disorder.



> She has since not filed for divorce nor talked about it since first raised by her two months ago. Just a few days ago she emailed saying she is begging me to give her "time and space".


One of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship is a repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. That cycle reflects the BPDer's flipping back and forth between splitting you black and splitting you white. Hence, if your W actually is a BPDer, the question is "Why would she want to return to a man she has such disdain for?" 

One reason is that, after a BPDer walks away, her suffocating feeling of engulfment starts to go away. At the same time, her other great fear -- that of abandonment -- starts to grow painfully large. Another reason is that a BPDer has such a fragile sense of who she is that she will frequently seek validation of the only self image she really has: the false self image of being "The Victim." Always "The Victim." Hence, when the infatuation period ends after six months, a BPDer will start perceiving of her partner as "The Perpetrator," i.e., the cause of her every misfortune.

This is why BPDers typically HATE to be alone and generally will not leave one person permanently until they have a safe replacement to go to. And this is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."



> If she wanted to get divorced, wouldn't she have done so by now?


Yes, if she is a stable woman. Yet, if she is emotionally unstable -- as is the case with BPDers -- her perception of you will change every time she experiences a change in her intense feelings. As I said, those feelings are so intense that they will color and distort her perception of you.



> What are your thoughts about she needing time and space?


If she is a BPDer, her need for "time and space" will change radically and unpredictably whenever you trigger one of her two fears: abandonment and engulfment. Significantly, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, you cannot avoid triggering one of those fears. The reason is that they lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. 

This means that, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. That is, when she gets the suffocating feeling of engulfment during intimate periods, your backing off "to give her breathing space" will inevitably start triggering her abandonment fear -- perhaps a few hours, days, or weeks later but it will occur.



> How much of this turnaround could be down to hormones during pregnancy?


ALL OF IT could be due to pregnancy hormones. You nonetheless describe some red flags that indicate otherwise. For one thing, you say her impulsive and risky behavior existed _before _she became pregnant. For another thing, you say she has made a number of nasty false accusations about you that seem to far exceed what would be expected from hormone changes. Instead, those false claims are far more characteristic of what occurs when a BPDer flips from splitting you white to splitting you black. Moreover, the awful childhood she experienced in a dysfunctional family is a warning sign for BPD or other PD, not for a hormone change.

I caution, however, that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the basic BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is called a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has all of the traits to some degree. These traits arise from primitive ego defenses that we all need to survive childhood -- and continue to occasionally need throughout adulthood. They pose a serious problem only when they become so strong and persistent that they undermine the person's ability to sustain close long-term relationships.

At issue, then, is NOT whether your W has BPD traits. Of course she does. We ALL do. Instead, the issue is whether she has BPD traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met the young lady, I cannot know the answer to that question. 

I nonetheless believe that you are capable of spotting any BPD warning signs that occur if you take a little time to learn what behaviors to look for. Spotting these red flags is not difficult because there is nothing subtle about traits such as irrational jealousy, binge spending, rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde, and always being "The Victim."

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you will find a more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Invictus.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Invictusme said:


> *UPDATE:*
> 
> 
> Lastly, I sent her this (redacted) email a few days ago:
> ...


I cannot believe you have read some threads here and then write an email like that.

Totally counter productive.

Beta behavior that can not end well. You are stepping over the the edge with you eyes open and holding to an illusion.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused by the example you gave.
> 
> You said that your wife traveled to the USA to deal with some immigration issues.
> 
> At the time that she charged $5,000 on the card, did you know that she intended to not return to the UK?


No not at all. We got married in the US. We then returned to the UK to live together. She could only remain in the UK on her visitor's visa for a max. of six months at a time. At the end of the six months, we had all of the immigration papers sorted but she had to apply from the US. 

She left with view of gong to submit her immigration papers and then returning to the UK with a settlement visa. We had a row about money the day before she left. Even though we had a disagreements she never told me she was not coming back. It was within the first two weeks of her getting back to America that the spending spree began at which point she said she wanted to end the marriage.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> I cannot believe you have read some threads here and then write an email like that.
> 
> Totally counter productive.
> 
> Beta behavior that can not end well. You are stepping over the the edge with you eyes open and holding to an illusion.


Sorry I don't know what you mean


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She ran into some other guy - whether she did anything or not - that made her think she could 'do better.' For whatever reason, and none of them had anything to do with you. Women can only 'love' one man at a time; so if she turned her affection elsewhere, she had to turn OFF her affection for you. And rewrite history. I promise you, it'll eventually come out that she met someone else, even if it was just a guy on the airplane that made her think about her future with you.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> So when I first read your thread, my inclination was to think that she was involved with another person. That she had sex with him around the time she became pregnant and that he could potentially be the father of the baby and is of a different race than you which would become obvious once the baby is born, and that she is waiting until the baby is born, in which case if you are the father than she will suddenly have a change of heart and give you terms to reconcile or if it is obvious that you aren't, then who knows, maybe divorce or her asking you to try again and admitting she made a mistake.
> 
> Either way I just want you to know that I know and truly feel that you aren't guilty of any of the things she is accusing you of. It is extremely common for people to deflect and blame their significant other when they have messed up, are in the wrong or just want out of a relationship. Read a few of the threads here, especially in the Coping With Infidelity section and you will see that it is pretty common amongst those you cheat, it is blameshifting and under no circumstances should you belive it, even if you think that she does. You know yourself and how you were in the relationship and can attest in court under oath that you have not been guilty of the things she is accusing you of.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. This has and continues to be such an awful experience.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> No not at all. We got married in the US. We then returned to the UK to live together. She could only remain in the UK on her visitor's visa for a max. of six months at a time. At the end of the six months, we had all of the immigration papers sorted but she had to apply from the US.
> 
> She left with view of gong to submit her immigration papers and then returning to the UK with a settlement visa. We had a row about money the day before she left. Even though we had a disagreements she never told me she was not coming back. It was within the first two weeks of her getting back to America that the spending spree began at which point she said she wanted to end the marriage.


I guarantee that you unknowingly paid for her to set up her new life in the US - place to live, furniture, etc. Can you look at the credit statement and see where she went shopping to rack up the $5,000?

I'm sorry you are going through this....it's got to be devastating. 

As for the 'controlling' word, they are probably from family and friends, but is saying the therapist is using those words. Perhaps the therapist is stating that - also keep in mind that your wife is probably blowing your actions and behaviors out of proportion when she talks about you.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Yes said:


> I guarantee that you unknowingly paid for her to set up her new life in the US - place to live, furniture, etc. Can you look at the credit statement and see where she went shopping to rack up the $5,000?
> 
> I'm sorry you are going through this....it's got to be devastating.
> 
> As for the 'controlling' word, they are probably from family and friends, but is saying the therapist is using those words. Perhaps the therapist is stating that - also keep in mind that your wife is probably blowing your actions and behaviors out of proportion when she talks about you.


Thanks. The bank statements showed a lot of purchases at Walmart so I know that she effectively used the money to get herself settled back in the US.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

QUESTION:

Is it bad of me to think how much happier I could possibly be if the baby did not exist? I have always been a family guy who enjoys being a dad and raising kids. I will be lying if I didn't confess to sometimes wishing a very bad thought (I can't even get myself to type it out).

The thought of having a child somewhere in the world that I won't get to see or play an active role in his/her life is increasingly becoming difficult for me. I have even shared this feelings with her only to tell me she thought I was not a good dad to my kids and was in effect saving our unborn son from me. What an evil thing to do and say!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you haven't had an opportunity to form an emotional connection with the child, why be concerned about it?

I know it's not a popular view point and likely not a correct one either but it's not your problem any more emotionally or morally. Legally yes and address that - or cause her to have to spend $10k in legal fees to get $10k back -


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> If you haven't had an opportunity to form an emotional connection with the child, why be concerned about it?
> 
> I know it's not a popular view point and likely not a correct one either but it's not your problem any more emotionally or morally. Legally yes and address that - or cause her to have to spend $10k in legal fees to get $10k back -


My big problem I guess is my soft spot for children. My mum tells me that my dad was like that also. I felt a great bond with him as I do with my kids also. This current situation - if it goes the way it looks like it is - will be really tough to live with.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I agree - but self preservation of the guy you see in the mirror every day trumps preservation of someone else's actions - not the child itself bit the actions taken by the mother.

In an ideal world none of this should be happening - but the world is imperfect so... 

If she had walked out with the child being 1-2 years old I agree but that is not the case. If the child was the product of a brief encounter I agree. But to walk out on the man you married? This turns the tables.

As a minimum make it as difficult and costly for her to he a dime as possible. If I had to guess you could checkmate her into absolving you of all responsibilities for a one time separation payment and that's it. She chose this path, not you, and all of a sudden.


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## have_faith (Oct 18, 2014)

consider yourself lucky to have had this unstable being leave as soon as she did. she is holding you hostage. free yourself.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> If you were as horrible as she claims, than divorcing you would have been a no brainer and she would have filed ages ago. The fact that she hasn't yet speaks volumes about what she could be keeping from from or intends to do.
> 
> Also of concern is her saying that she needs 'time and space' which is (not always but often can be) an indicator of her involvement with someone else, I hope that that is not the case because having to deal with infidelity, and the lies, gaslighting, trickle truth and the blameshifting that accompanies it is a b**** but from the point of view of an outside observer it could be the case. Her delay in taking any real action to end this "horrible, controlling" marriage may be her weighing her options and hedging her bets.


Well, the longer it takes the easier it's getting for me to just let go. I am one of the most irrepressible people you'll ever meet. I cannot be broken - but then I have come to learn that every tree will break at some point however big it gets. 

I just do not wish to get to a point of hating her. I have been working hard to simply accept things and not fight back as such as long as my ability to take care of my own children are not adversely affected - you know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you considering moving to the States to be near your child?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Invictusme said:


> QUESTION:
> 
> Is it bad of me to think how much happier I could possibly be if the baby did not exist? I have always been a family guy who enjoys being a dad and raising kids. I will be lying if I didn't confess to sometimes wishing a very bad thought (I can't even get myself to type it out).
> 
> *The thought of having a child somewhere in the world that I won't get to see or play an active role in his/her life is increasingly becoming difficult for me. *I have even shared this feelings with her only to tell me she thought I was not a good dad to my kids and was in effect saving our unborn son from me. What an evil thing to do and say!


I think it would for many men. If I was in your position I'd get IC immediately. I don't know if I could deal with it myself. Just a thought, OP.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> Are you considering moving to the States to be near your child?


I would love to move to the States at some point but I have my life, career and other kids (for whom I have full custody) here in the UK. I would be mad to move to the US to be near a child that the mother so detests his dad right now. 

This kills me more than most things each day as I just never saw this coming neither did I even consider it as part of my life's script.


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## nam3 (Oct 18, 2014)

You dodged a bullet. If she is willing to let go so easily, it must have not meant that much to her all along.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

nam3 said:


> You dodged a bullet. If she is willing to let go so easily, it must have not meant that much to her all along.


Maybe you might just be right. This just seems rather flakey to me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let her go. I know it hurts, but don't sacrifice your other children's needs to try to track her down. One day your child will find you. It may be a decade or two down the road but you will still have time to be a part of his/her life. Then you can tell them the truth about what happened.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

UPDATE:

I decided a week or so ago that there can be no compulsion in love. I cannot make someone married to me if they don't want to and after everything I have done since she walked out of our marriage a few months ago. So I made no contact and decided to go out and make new friends. I asked my 'wife' (by email) if we could discuss rules for separation a few weeks back. She was not interested and only told me that she intends to pursue a divorce and had no idea that 'I had any hurt feelings' - what a ^&&^%$^!!

So, making new friends male and female has been very therapeutic.

Out of the blue, I get this email from her:

------------------------------------
XXXXX,

In October you have contributed £100 to this pregnancy. That is a tiny percentage to what you make a month. I am asking for your support with this pregnancy. I am working my hardest to provide for this child. I am contributing 100% physically and emotionally to this child. I am also financially contributing 95% to this pregnancy and child for monthly expenses.

I am unable to buy the healthy food and produce and supplements I need to support the healthy growth of this child.

My iron is low and gets lower with each blood test. I do not have the income or resources to provide any more than what I am currently doing. I need your help in supporting your portion of responsibility in this pregnancy. The baby did not ask for this. He deserves a healthy pregnancy. £100 is quite frankly a joke comparatively to what your responsibility towards this child is.

Please let me know your decision as soon as possible. 
Thank you,
XXXXX

__________________

FACTS:

1) She spent $7,500 in two weeks after she left apparently 'on the child' that's yet unborn.

2) I have also wired nearly $1000 to her after I stopped all the cards she had.

3) I sent her about $150 just last week.

So for her to make this stupid allegation of me not supporting the 'pregnancy' in my view is just manipulative. Heck this is a ton of money she has already spent. I refuse to pay for the lifestyle choice of a woman who unilaterally walks out of our home and marriage, with our unborn child but without any care or concern for how this choice will affect me, my three kids and the unborn child. I still can't believe this!!!

Am I being unreasonable here? This woman has pretty much ignored all my emails (she insists on comms. by email alone) before I stopped all contact. Suddenly she starts hustling me for money. Surely she made her bed this way. NO?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No. Research reasonable child support and send it..... beyond that her lifestyle is her problem. She'll have to get a job like the rest of us. And keep records of everything you send.

Tell her you'll be happy help support your child, but up will not be financing her life. The baby didn't ask for an irresponsible mother that has money for what's important to her eithet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> No. Research reasonable child support and send it..... beyond that her lifestyle is her problem. She'll have to get a job like the rest of us. And keep records of everything you send.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do everything electronically so there's a paper trail. Heck how do you even pay child support for a child that's not even born? I doubt any court would consider crap like this. The attorney I spoke with told me that the State n which we married would not consider such a thing until after the baby is born.

I think up to this stage - I have contributed plenty as it is.

I have also asked her to send me bills/invoices of any pregnancy related expenditure. We can then divide the payment - she refused. What a joke. All the advice I've received recommended this


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> I do everything electronically so there's a paper trail. Heck how do you even pay child support for a child that's not even born? I doubt any court would consider crap like this. The attorney I spoke with told me that the State n which we married would not consider such a thing until after the baby is born.
> 
> I think up to this stage - I have contributed plenty as it is.
> 
> I have also asked her to send me bills/invoices of any pregnancy related expenditure. We can then divide the payment - she refused. What a joke. All the advice I've received recommended this


Well you're not an ATM for cash on demand. If she can't be bothered send invoices or bills that's her problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> I do everything electronically so there's a paper trail. Heck how do you even pay child support for a child that's not even born? I doubt any court would consider crap like this. The attorney I spoke with told me that the State n which we married would not consider such a thing until after the baby is born.
> 
> I think up to this stage - I have contributed plenty as it is.
> 
> I have also asked her to send me bills/invoices of any pregnancy related expenditure. We can then divide the payment - she refused. What a joke. All the advice I've received recommended this


Tell her that she will not receive another cent from you until she proves paternity.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well you're not an ATM for cash on demand. If she can't be bothered send invoices or bills that's her problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally agree. Heck I am still recovering from the nearly $8k she has spent thus far on a child that is not even born yet!!! What on earth will she be spending when the little fatherless child is born?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> I totally agree. Heck I am still recovering from the nearly $8k she has spent thus far on a child that is not even born yet!!! What on earth will she be spending when the little fatherless child is born?



Prepaying college tuition 

Seriously now, try to get her to decouple the financial from the emotional side. It's clear she's using the emotional side to extract more money from you.

So, play a bit of hardball and insist on invoices / bills. In the USA prenatal care is not THAT costly all things considered but the moment mom is headed to the hospital things get $10k-20k expensive. 

Do you have any knowledge of insurance or other arrangements she may have? Hospitals are not very big on self pay for big ticket items so she's not paying out of pocket. If she has insurance pregnancy coverage is not the best in some case but generally it's decent.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

john117 said:


> Prepaying college tuition
> 
> Seriously now, try to get her to decouple the financial from the emotional side. It's clear she's using the emotional side to extract more money from you.
> 
> ...


Haha...College pre-pay :rofl:

She is not paying any out of pocket costs presently because of some welfare deal she has going on. She is wanting me to pay for stuff her doctor prescribed which aren't covered by the welfare deal. Either way - at this stage, I am not bothered. 

She chose to walk away. She will have to squeeze the money out of me where she can and at cost across the Atlantic via two legal jurisdictions. As an earlier poster said, she will have to get a job that has insurance to meet her health bills.

Here's a woman who a few months ago yelled at me over the phone that she will not allow me to use finances to continue "controlling" her and that she will prove to me that she will stand on her own two feet. I am hoping and praying that she does. 

What on earth would drive someone to do something like this?!!!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Tell her that she will not receive another cent from you until she proves paternity.


THIS! :iagree:

is she psychotic or something? she no contacts you, will not talk to you, abandons you....then has the nerve to imply you owe her money and continuted support? FOAD is what i would have texted back.

Tell her you will consider child support if she comes to visit you, and submits to a paternity test with your doctor. Otherwise, break all contact and divorce her IN YOUR COUNTRY. be done with this witch.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

If she is on a welfare thing here in the US, chances are it's probably WIC. I've never used it, so I don't know much about it myself.

Here's an excerpt from their website - "The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk."

Check out the site - and ask her what program she's on, without letter her know that you are aware of WIC.

Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) | Food and Nutrition Service


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Yes said:


> If she is on a welfare thing here in the US, chances are it's probably WIC. I've never used it, so I don't know much about it myself.
> 
> Here's an excerpt from their website - "The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk."
> 
> ...


Hi and thanks for this.

I have looked into this and know she is on something called Baby your baby. She is also on medicaid I think. The thing is that she is asking me to pay for stuff like pre-natal massage, appointments with and prescription from her 'Dr'. These are not covered by the program and more importantly, this Dr. is more of a homeopath who would "help her get rid of negative energy" by "going inside" and then helping her cut her other prescribed meds down to a small handful of herbal based tablets.

This used to make me go crazy when we lived together. It just sounded crazy to me and would cause some disagreement. I eventually just left her to it as it did not affect my life at all. The funny thing is that this Dr is the one now prescribing all kinds of stuff again which she wants me to pay for.

I know I am making good progress when I fail to reply to her email within 5 seconds.I am not going to respond for at least a week. I will not be manipulated nor made a mug of (as we say in Britain). This is like daylight robbery.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Millions of women give birth to nice, healthy babies all the time without prenatal massage. If she wants to pursue these extras she can finance them herself. I'm sure the baby is entitled to a gold crib as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Yes said:


> If she is on a welfare thing here in the US, chances are it's probably WIC. I've never used it, so I don't know much about it myself.
> 
> Here's an excerpt from their website - "The Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children (WIC) provides Federal grants to States for supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk."
> 
> ...



If that's the case, she's not taking full advantage of things available to her - she is choosing not to. Therefore, if she wants to go with unconventional methods instead of using everything available to her, then that's on her. If she used WIC, then all of her and the baby's needs would be covered.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

Yes said:


> If that's the case, she's not taking full advantage of things available to her - she is choosing not to. Therefore, if she wants to go with unconventional methods instead of using everything available to her, then that's on her. If she used WIC, then all of her and the baby's needs would be covered.


For real?! I think I am being played here!!! I will ignore her email for a while and figure out a pithy reply to her. A good friend at church also suggested to me today that it's somewhat disrespectful that all communication should be by email only. He just felt it is very ridiculous.

He used to be the go-between for a while after she left but in her last email to him, she told him that she did not want to hear from him again, expressed her disappointment that he did not contact her when he said he would and also brought up the allegation again that I forced myself on her sexually.

I think based on her email, allegations and totally crazy demands, he was of the view that the only reasonable explanation he can come across is that there must have been some kind of mental/psychological issue exacerbated by the pregnancy. He really thinks this is a most bizarre behaviour


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> For real?! I think I am being played here!!! I will ignore her email for a while and figure out a pithy reply to her. A good friend at church also suggested to me today that it's somewhat disrespectful that all communication should be by email only. He just felt it is very ridiculous.
> 
> He used to be the go-between for a while after she left but in her last email to him, she told him that she did not want to hear from him again, expressed her disappointment that he did not contact her when he said he would and also brought up the allegation again that I forced myself on her sexually.
> 
> I think based on her email, allegations and totally crazy demands, he was of the view that the only reasonable explanation he can come across is that there must have been some kind of mental/psychological issue exacerbated by the pregnancy. He really thinks this is a most bizarre behaviour


Again, I don't have any personal experience with WIC, so I'm only going by their website.

Here are a few links that might be of interest - 

WIC Food Packages | Food and Nutrition Service

About WIC- WIC at a Glance | Food and Nutrition Service

About WIC-WIC's Mission | Food and Nutrition Service

There is a lot more info on their site, but these seem to give the best overview of the program. I'm sure you can look around and see if any other info might pertain to you/her.

eta - I've never heard of Baby your Baby. Perhaps that is a state run program to a specific state? Ok, I just looked at their website - 

It states "If your income is within the financial guidelines and you meet other basic program guidelines, the representative can issue you a temporary Baby Your Baby card. This card *covers outpatient pregnancy related services such as your doctor's appointments and prescriptions*. It does not cover labor and delivery. You must apply for Medicaid as soon as possible." http://www.babyyourbaby.org/financial-help/qualifications.php


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

john117 said:


> Prepaying college tuition
> 
> Seriously now, try to get her to decouple the financial from the emotional side. It's clear she's using the emotional side to extract more money from you.
> 
> ...


John, as usual, has given excellent advice. I'd like to bring up something else. It is just an idea and must be checked with your solicitor.

The idea is this: YOU file for divorce. You have been abandoned by your wife while she is pregnant. A UK divorce might be quite lenient on you with regard to required payments, if any. And while in the UK she never filed a complaint against you and so will have a hard time showing that you "forced" her to do anything.

Further, she will have a difficult time proving paternity. For a DNA test you'd have to provide DNA and doing that in a way that a court can know that the DNA has not been tampered with will not be simple.

And I'm afraid that at least for now you have to harden your heart with regard to financial aid for her. If there are medical bills, you can offer to pay part on receipt of an itemized bill directly from the medical provider. 

The important point here is that all the financial difficulties, etc., are due to her abandoning you. She could doubtless have filed for divorce in the UK if she'd a mind to do that. And she's had plenty of time to file for a divorce in the US. The fact that she has not would seem to show that she's got a serious reason for not doing it. Perhaps, as some have suggested, if the child is clearly biracial, she may even have a change of heart with regard to you. Whether you want to be married to such a woman is up to you.

The one thing I'd not do is be passive. That not only shows weakness but allows her to jump down rabbit holes that help her. The request for money is but one example.

Beyond all this, I wish you luck and happiness. I just suspect happiness will not be with your present wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Insurance companies in America do NOT pay for homeopath medicine in most cases.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Invictusme said:


> I have also asked her to send me bills/invoices of any pregnancy related expenditure. We can then divide the payment - she refused. What a joke. All the advice I've received recommended this


You have no idea if she is even still pregnant. I suggest that you write her and tell her that you will not give any money directly to her unless you receive the medical bills for the pregnancy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have no idea if she is even still pregnant. I suggest that you write her and tell her that you will not give any money directly to her unless you receive the medical bills for the pregnancy.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Yeah, as I stated earlier, I wouldn't send her a dime if she's not going to use the resources she has available to her. If you do decide to send money, tell her she needs to provide a bill and that you'll pay directly to them - not her. She'll flip over that I'm sure. 

Eta - if you send money directly to her, she could say you never paid and spin it that you aren't supportive or care at all about the pregnancy. You'd end up looking like the a$$hole to her family.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Dude....

You married into a world of crazy. No disrespect, but I think your wife forgot to take her lithium. 

Btw
Baby your baby is a state run prenatal financial aid program. If she already qualified she's got all the prenatal support she needs. 

On the other hand, do you want your new child raised by crazy?

I think you'd be better off getting full custody. 

And wtf is a prenatal massage? Is that like a regular old massage, but about twenty times more expensive?


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You have no idea if she is even still pregnant. I suggest that you write her and tell her that you will not give any money directly to her unless you receive the medical bills for the pregnancy.


I am going to put my foot down on this subject of bills. Thanks for the reminder


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> Insurance companies in America do NOT pay for homeopath medicine in most cases.


The feedback I got from her is that the cover she is getting through medicaid and baby your baby will not cover homeopathic treatment or massages etc

The more you guys enlighten me about the way this works in the US the more I wonder if she really thought things through before she walked out. She has clearly and by the look of things jumped out of the frying pan into the fire here. I am just not sure I would want her back in this frying pan as 'controlling and abusive' as she may think it is.


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Dude....
> 
> You married into a world of crazy. No disrespect, but I think your wife forgot to take her lithium.
> 
> ...


I am REALLY starting to think you are absolutely spot on. Shoot - I am screwed


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

UPDATE:

Really struggling with this allegation my estranged wife has made of me sexually forcing myself on her. I honestly cannot recall the experience she alleges the same way she is putting it. Heck there were times when I asked her if she'd like to have sex and she says no. In my world - NO ABSOLUTELY MEANS NO!

I can only remember two occasions during intercourse when she sounded uncomfortable. I asked what was wrong and she said she was swollen or sore. I asked her if she like me to stop. She then said "no just finish off and be done with it". None of this she was crying and telling me to stop and I kept going and going. This has really rocked me to my core.

She did not discuss this with anyone that I know of. Certainly not me. I have since read her emails after she left and before she changed her password. In these exchanges with her closest friends just a month before she left was 

"Married life is good. Ups and downs but mostly ups. It's nice having someone to rely on and figure life out with. Plan and project with. We have figuring out to do such as communication, and how to mesh our lives and quirks together. But again, it is great! Getting more and more used to the UK."

Then I found in the house where she had been keeping all the love notes I wrote to her. I'd often hide these away in her shoes, jewellery box and other places around the house (in fact i have since found some that she did not find) and I am left wondering how was I so bad and yet still do these sort of things?

I am just very confused and deeply hurt by this allegations. The feelings come and go, but today has been quite awful. Now I know what it must feel like for especially those men who falsely get accused (and in some cases get convicted) of rape and other sexual offences. This is most horrible


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Because of the alligations you should never, ever, be alone with her again. She's set up the foundation so that she can accuse you of abuse.

By the way, how sure are you that she was even pregnant before she left? Did you have any written or verbal confirmation of this from the doctor?

I've know a couple of women who fabricated pregnancies. One of them fabricated them often to extort money out of the guys.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

This sounds like a classic case of rewriting your history in the marriage. SOMETHING changed in her and the only way she can follow through with her course of action is to convince herself that you were worth leaving. The amount of money she has spent is indicative of furnishing an apartment.

I would get in touch with a lawyer ASAP. She may be aware of some loophole you aren’t . A mistake at this juncture would cost your dearly.
Barring that, I would file on grounds of spousal abandonment.

If she wants to be “free of your controlling ways”, then by all means.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Invictusme said:


> The feedback I got from her is that the cover she is getting through medicaid and baby your baby will not cover homeopathic treatment or massages etc


Well of course it doesn't. That's because it DOES cover everything that the standard medical community has determined that she needs. What she wants is outside the norm and people have to pay out of their own pocket.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Invictusme said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> Really struggling with this allegation my estranged wife has made of me sexually forcing myself on her. I honestly cannot recall the experience she alleges the same way she is putting it. Heck there were times when I asked her if she'd like to have sex and she says no. In my world - NO ABSOLUTELY MEANS NO!
> 
> ...


You've saved all those notes and letters right? If it ever becomes necessary to show the state of the marriage before she left, they will do perfectly.


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