# Wife wants separation from breadwinning / stay at home husband



## Lost Dad (Jun 24, 2015)

My wife has just told me she is not happy and wants has given me a ultimatum to get a separation. The ultimatum consist of 2 choices. If I want to have any chance of reconciliation then I need to move out. The second is if I choose to stay and not leave she will leave and in her words "I will be putting a nail in the coffin with NO chance or reconciliation and our marriage will be over"! 
Background info. I am a self employed business owner that works from home. We have 3 children in their teens. My wife has never HAD to work. If she did, it was because she wanted too and I supported her in the jobs she has worked. Several years back she said she wanted to go back to school to full fill a life long dream to becoming a doctor. I knew she has always wanted this and we began working on a strategy to make this happen. We knew going in to this, it was going to be difficult especially when medical school started. The Lord has blessed me to be able to work from home and be very flexible or this would not even be possible. I cashed in a 401k to pay for the first year of med school (40K) to help with not having as much debt once she got out. She told me that all of her time was going to be wrapped up in school and the day to day home responsibilities would fall on my shoulders. The first year went pretty smooth. Things were busy around the house and time together was limited. She would come in from school mid afternoons, take a power knap, then go back to her studies here at the house. Even though she was not available, just having her in the house was uplifting. We still had time with the kids and took a vacation every 2 1/2 months during her breaks. I adjusted my schedule by starting my day around 4 a.m. after sometimes not going to bed till after midnight. She would also start early which allowed us time to share coffee time first thing in the a.m.. I would work till it was time to get kids ready for school and prepare breakfast and lunches and get them to school, while she got ready to go the school at 8. The rest of the day consisted of work till kids got home and getting them on homework or to practices. I was responsible for dinners and the shopping that went along with that. Most evening she would be tired and need to go to bed b/t 8 and 9 to make the 4 a.m. wake up. The kids get tucked in before 9 which usually became my responsibility. The rest of the evening for me consist of cleaning up from dinner, laundry and catching up on work that did not get finished that day. 
The second year had her being at school more and my business began to really take off more so that it was already. I hired more employees to help with work load, but tings around the house began to slip through the cracks. I knew this because she started pointing out the things that did not get done....i.e. laundry folded or house picked up. So I hired a house keeper to come in once a week to handle some of the major cleaning issues so I could concern myself with the important thing such as homework, dinner and time with kids. Even after that things were still brought to may attention that had not been done and never the things that did get done. During this second year I developed "sleep apnea". It made me have a very loud snore, which kept her up and allowed her to not get a good night sleep. Several nights she would wake me up and I would go to the guest bed room. I tried several ways to fix this, but surgery was the answer. Surgery was not possible at that time and I told her that I had no problem staying in the guest room so she could sleep and once boards were over we would look into surgery. This did not mean we gave up on physical relations. We just had it at other times, power knap afternoons or before I went to guest room. As the classes got harder and business grew, those times grew fewer and then obsolete, but we still showed passion for each other with kisses and hugs when we were with each other. We were just writing it up as part f the difficulty of taking on this endeavor.
This brings us to present days. In med school, after the end of your second year you have to prepare yourself for the "Boards" test. It is a big deal. They have a couple of months over the summer to prepare for this test and reading up on others who have taken this test it is "all consuming". So when she told me that I need to allow her to do what ever she felt necessary to allow her to concentrate on this test I knew this was true. This meant her staying up at school with study groups till late in the evening or getting the kids out of the house while she studied the kids and I were prepared to give her this with no ill feelings. I knew she was getting stressed out over this test and her studying at home was not working for her. She began 4 weeks ago going to school at 7 and not getting home till sometimes midnight or after and starting over the next day. Sometimes she would sleep in till late morning and the go to the campus. Our conversation were very few and far between and consisted mostly of her complaining about things around the house. A week ago I told her I would like to schedule 10 to 15 minutes in the morning to hang out and have coffee. She blindsided me with " I am not happy here...I deserve to be happy and this was not fun anymore..." I was dumb founded and asked what she wanted. She told me she was thinking of moving out. I did not what to say. I told her that was not an option and we need to talk this out and come up with a solution. She told me she could not do that right now....the boards were to important and she went to school. A week went by and I would see her in the morning and when she got home but no real conversation was had. I finally last weekend told her I need to know what she wanted and she told me she wanted a separation. Which brings us to the opening statement.
I have talked to my family and hers also. I have also spoken to my pastor. We both have spoken to the kids and told them that there may be some changes, but we would do what ever was in their best interest and that they came first. They have taken it hard but they are not blind. They rarely see her and they see the stress I have not knowing what the future holds. She told them that she need to be away from me for a while. She told me that I had 48 hours to make a decision on which one I was choosing.....Stay or Go? I told her that was not possible for me to make a decision that quickly and that was not even fair. 
I have not given here and answer. I did ask her to paint me a picture of how she would like to see a day go without me here. She told me I needed to get an apartment. I would come to the house at 6:30 a.m. and she goes to school or her rotation which is coming up after her boards. I would be with the kids during he day while working here or getting hem to school when that starts back. I work here and get them started on homework / practices etc... I would leave around 5:30 and go to the apartment to spend the night and she cooks dinner for them and spends time with them in the evening.
I proposed another idea to her. I told her that we both stay here, she goes to school at 6:30 and I take the kids all day. 4 Days a week of her choosing I will start dinner and she can take over and I will go workout, bike ride, take laptop to coffee hose and work till kids get ready for bed and come back to tuck them in so they knew DADDY was here, but we would also let the kids know that I was doing this so that we BOTH stay under this roof for the kids sake and me not being here for dinner was giving her, her time alone with them. Nothing is different from what she proposes except we both sleep here. Like I said, the house is over 4000 sqft, we both can be here and not be with each other. She told me she did not want us both here at the same time and she needed space.
Legally I know if I leave it will show I abandoned my family weather she says she would never do that to me if we did not reconcile, but I don't 100% believe that. With all my heart and sole I want to work on this...I am not ready to give up 18 years of marriage to my wife and best friend. 
I am looking for answers if anyone has been in this same situation. I need to prepare myself legally and spiritually to make sure the kids are my #1 concern and try to work out reconciliation with my wife.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is obvious that your wife has lost all love for you and now views your presence as an annoyance. Her behavior is very typical of a woman who is involved in an affair and who wants to separate from her husband so she can live like a single female with her OM (other man). This is a very common tactic, to attempt to legitimize an affair. And if she is having an affair, then this type of affair is called an exit affair.

It also looks like she may have been coached by someone who knows something about divorce law about how to best to optimize her position for a divorce that will give her most of what she wants. So under no circumstances leave your home for that is often considered abandonment. If she wants a separation/divorce then let her be the one who moves out. *DO NOT succumb to her blackmail ultimatums. No spouse who truly loves her/his spouse would ever do that to her/him.*

Contact a good divorce attorney, one who specializes in helping men and fathers get a fair deal from the court system, and start the process of divorce. She is gone, time to move on with your life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She is having an affair with another medical student and is deep in the fog of LaLa Land right now. The way she sees it, you are standing in the way of her ability to be with this other person. 

Her demands are completely unreasonable and downright hateful. How are you supposed to uproot your entire life in just 48 hours??

I have news for you. Whether you cave in or not to her ridiculous order to move out, the "final nail in the coffin" has already been hammered. She is pretty much done with the marriage and just wants out.

You need a lawyer pronto. Tell her to STFU with her childish demands. And then cut off any and all funding for her medical education.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do NOT move out. If she wants a separation, she can be the one to move out, period. The children's lives will not be disrupted at all that way since you do everything anyway. DO NOT MOVE OUT!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why on earth should you move out of the house and remove from your children the only consistent and present parent they have right now?
She is the one who has basically abandoned the kids and you to pursue her own dreams in a very selfish manner. Frankly most men would not have given her the kind of support you have given her and the kind of freedom she has had to pursue her dreams. 
Tell her she can move out if she doesn't like current arrangements. Further, she will no longer have the benefits of being married to you and she can go ahead and file for divorce. 
Why bother with separation, go ahead and file. She wants to have her cake and eat it, how do you know she is not in the middle of an affair with someone and just wants you out of the way?

You will no longer be financing her education, as she is not putting any effort into taking care of her family, her kids, etc you are carrying the load, so you are not carrying her load also. Ask your lawyer whether you can stop all financing, if there are any legal ramifications, etc. She needs to know which side her bread is buttered on. 
Get yourself a good lawyer now
Start to do the 180 on her for yourself and your kids and be prepared for the rough ride ahead.

PS Your wife sounds very spoilt


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Do not move out. Your W is having the issue. She is free to leave if you are nothing but an annoyance. Seek legal help. Look to full custody of the kids as you are raising them as a single parent anyway. Ask for child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

She's gone. Read up on the 180 and lawyer up. I'm not one to immediately scream "AFFAIR", but she almost assuredly has found someone. And the way she rushing you out, she REALLY wants to be with him. Let him have her.

When you immediately don't give her her man, she will get ANGRY. Prepare for some serious rewriting of history. You will be AMAZED at the venom that she will spew to others when describing what drove her away.

Since you have no other choice, just look her in the eye and say "I've thought about it. I'm staying. Bye".

That may be a hard sell since I'm sure you passed over the part in your narrative where you cried and begged for a week...


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Oh boy, Lost Dad so sorry to see you in this place. You are hurting and trying to come to grips with the idea of the loss of love of your wife and she is about a hundred moves ahead of you on the Chess Board. Here is what is going on. This outrageous ultimatum has nothing to do with saving the marriage. She is going to divorce you for sure. It certainly has everything to do with finances and I am afraid, sex. If you move out of the home, you are going to be the absent parent. If she stays in the home she will be the custodial parent, even if you are the one coming to "her' home and providing child care. This way she escapes paying child support and any claim for spousal support down the road. She also has a plan to pay for med school without taking out student loans. She is going to take half your business value now and in the future as a big chunk of money that you will have to pay over to her as part of the divorce. And to add insult to injury she is hustling you out of the house (she thinks you are so invested in her and the kids you'll fall for her ploy of moving out) so she can have her "study" partner staying by the weekend. Nasty, nasty, nasty.
Hope you're po'd enough to go see a lawyer today. And not the lawyer you see for your business stuff or a buddy who is a lawyer. Go find a man (yes a man) with some gray around the temples whose has majority of his practice in family law. And be prepared for sticker shock. You are going to have to pay for value. But you need that kind of attorney.
And yes, don't you dare move out. Let her pack her bags and go. Don't plead, don't beg, matter of fact wouldn't hurt to have a witness around (not your kids) at the time she does all this. If she even does. Because where would she get the money for an apartment. You wouldn't pay for that, right?
Be ready, she is capable of anything. Start calling lawyers. Right now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

evg39 said:


> oh boy, lost dad so sorry to see you in this place. You are hurting and trying to come to grips with the idea of the loss of love of your wife and she is about a hundred moves ahead of you on the chess board. Here is what is going on. This outrageous ultimatum has nothing to do with saving the marriage. She is going to divorce you for sure. It certainly has everything to do with finances and i am afraid, sex. If you move out of the home, you are going to be the absent parent. If she stays in the home she will be the custodial parent, even if you are the one coming to "her' home and providing child care. This way she escapes paying child support and any claim for spousal support down the road. She also has a plan to pay for med school without taking out student loans. She is going to take half your business value now and in the future as a big chunk of money that you will have to pay over to her as part of the divorce. And to add insult to injury she is hustling you out of the house (she thinks you are so invested in her and the kids you'll fall for her ploy of moving out) so she can have her "study" partner staying by the weekend. Nasty, nasty, nasty.
> Hope you're po'd enough to go see a lawyer today. And not the lawyer you see for your business stuff or a buddy who is a lawyer. Go find a man (yes a man) with some gray around the temples whose has majority of his practice in family law. And be prepared for sticker shock. You are going to have to pay for value. But you need that kind of attorney.
> And yes, don't you dare move out. Let her pack her bags and go. Don't plead, don't beg, matter of fact wouldn't hurt to have a witness around (not your kids) at the time she does all this. If she even does. *because where would she get the money for an apartment. You wouldn't pay for that, right?*
> be ready, she is capable of anything. Start calling lawyers. Right now.


this!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> She is having an affair with another medical student and is deep in the fog of LaLa Land right now. The way she sees it, you are standing in the way of her ability to be with this other person.
> 
> Her demands are completely unreasonable and downright hateful. How are you supposed to uproot your entire life in just 48 hours??
> 
> ...


Word.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Get a VAR and carry it with you at all times when she is around. If you have nobody around to witness her going off on you, you'll need it to cover your a$$. 
Don't leave the house, tell her to go if your presence bothers her that much. She can go shack up with her fvck buddy.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I agree she is probably having an affair. Stop being so accomadating to her. Let her move out, she isn't a good wife or mother. You supported her for these years and did more than your share of house work and child care all of these years while she went to school. Get a mean lawyer and when shes get her high paying Dr job try to get as much money from her for child support (and your 401 k money back) as possible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This sounds about right. My son's father started medical school after we married. The something similar happened.. well he did not ask me to move out and he did not move out. But he was never home and had affairs with other medical students. What his going on is not unusual at all.

I'm with the other. Do not move out under any circumstances. For one thing you business is in the home. You need the home. Generally if a couple lives apart during a separation/divorce the spouse who has a business at home gets to stay in the house.

Tell you that you will not be moving out. She can move out if she so chooses.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you hidden any time she is around. If you refuse to leave, her next move might be to drum up abuse charges to get you removed. Having a recorder is a good way to prove to the police that you did nothing and that she is simply plotting to get your removed.

You might also want to remind her that messing with where you live, will destroy your business. Thus destroying the only income your family has.


.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She is lost in her affair. DO not leave the house!! Let her leave. She has no intentions of salvaging your marriage any either way. Consider any words she says as pure lies to benefit only her. Also realize that her medical school education is marital property. Get the most reputable lawyer you can. Sorry, but i see your divorce as getting mean. Protect yourself, and your family. Work on forgetting about the woman you used to know. She is no longer there.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

You have three teenagers and you tuck them in bed at 9:00? Ha anyone ever heard of a teenager that goes to bed at 9:00 and who has to be tucked in? She's a med student but "sleeps in"? I've never heard of any med school that starts in the afternoon. All start at 7:00 a.m. sharp. I've never heard of a med student that sleeps in. I've never heard of medical boards after the second year. Med boards are usually after graduation.

I may be skeptical but I'm having a hard time believing your story.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Absurdist said:


> I've never heard of medical boards after the second year. Med boards are usually after graduation.


Osteopaths (D.O.s) can take a portion of their board exams after their second year. I believe M.D.s have a different timetable.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you move out you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Your wife is not the woman you thought she was. You can no longer trust her to look out for your best interests or the best interests of the children. She has checked out on you and is trying to get you to make a move that could cause further harm to the family. If she doesn't want to be with you, then let her leave. That is on her.
1 Corinthians 7:15 NAS
15 Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.
In your current scenario, your wife is an unbeliever. There are many good reasons why she should be the one to leave and you should let her. One of course is peace, but more than that, this is on her and the dynamic changes radically if you are the one to leave. It puts you in a position where you are no longer living in the house where you work and are raising your children. You have bent over backwards to help your wife achieve her dream, but now she wants you to take on an even more difficult path. This does not take into account your needs or the needs of the children.
She is manipulating your with her "choices." If she were interested in reconciliation, she would not be giving you these two scenarios. Her tactic is blatant manipulation to get you to move out, which puts you in an impossible position. She knows that and that's why she's doing it.
Just tell her that she is free to leave, but you are not going anywhere and do not help her further. If she leaves, she no longer lives there and will have to work out visitation. Make this real for her or there will really be no chance of reconciliation. If you shield her from her choices, you are not doing her, yourself, or your children any favors. She has to face the reality of her choices. She will probably go berserk, so be prepared for it. She will try to blame and pin this all on your, but do not fall for it. Let her face the full truth of her actions.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Like the others, she is probably cheating. The odds are good anyways.

Hmm, I am guessing that her attachment to you has faded and she found another love interest that has her hormonally drugged. You are an inconvenience at the moment, and if she is not cheating, she is interested or has simply stopped loving you and no longer respects you.

You should let her go, your life will get better over time. Does not seem like it at the moment because your love for her is stopping you from moving on, and it is hard to give up on any attachment, especially someone you see as a part of you. She is one of a few that has formed an intimate bond with you and that is something you do not want to lose.

If you were detached, she would not be the type of person you would date at the present.

Protect yourself, and look after you and your children. She separated as a partner from you, ending responsibilities you would of had for that relationship.

You have to alter how you view her, and see yourself as single now. And that will take time to grow accustomed to. We are highly adaptable, and even though it may hurt, you will get used to your new reality.

Do not move and let her leave. She does not have your best interest in mind and it seems like you have become an obstacle in what she wants to occur. That means she sees you as an adversary., which you are. You are opposed to what she wants, and what you want is different than what she wants.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Just to chime in....

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

Do not continue funding her education. 

Refuse to sign on the line for any additional student loans.

Find a lawyer....like Yesterday


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For your emotional and financial health and well being, read the information contained in the links below.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*
*The 180 degree rules*
*Shrink4Men - for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them* 
*Dads divorce*

Do not discount the advantages of filing first. Among them are:

*Choice of Jurisdiction*

When filing for divorce, there may be more than one state or county that has jurisdiction over your action. Jurisdiction is generally determined by where the divorcing parties live. If you and your spouse live in different states or counties, the courts of both states and counties may be entitled to adjudicate your divorce. Because laws on divorce can widely differ--particularly with regard to the division of marital assets--by filing first, you have the advantage of choosing the state with the laws you find most beneficial.

*Financial Protection*

In most states, filing a petition for divorce automatically freezes your marital assets. This means that your spouse will not be able to hide or transfer assets or personal property or drain joint bank accounts without getting into serious legal trouble. Filing for divorce first allows you to take your spouse by surprise, decreasing the possibility that he or she will able to conceal marital assets before the action begins. If your state doesn’t offer an automatic freeze of assets, you will be able to file an injunction along with your petition for divorce.
In addition, IllinoisDivorce.com points out that the earlier you initiate the action, the earlier you may be protected from any debts your spouse may incur. Debts incurred by either individual in a marriage are generally considered the responsibility of both parties. But if your spouse incurs debt after the divorce action has been initiated, the court may not hold you responsible.

*Increased Preparedness*

Divorce can be complicated process, both procedurally and emotionally. Filing a divorce action first allows you to be better prepared for all the complexities that come with divorce. You can set the tone for the action, develop various long-term strategies at the outset and brace yourself for the emotional upheaval of the process. You also have the advantage of showing your spouse that you are serious and prepared to execute the action.

*First Impressions*

The party who initiates the divorce action is also the first party to present its case to the court. This means that you will make the first impression in the proceedings: The judge will listen to your side of the story and review your evidence before hearing from your spouse. As a respondent, your spouse will be in the psychologically weaker position of rebutting your arguments.
Control

Being the first to file a divorce action gives you a certain degree of control. If the proceedings are not, for some reason, working to your advantage or you change your mind, you have the ability to withdraw the action. As IllinoisDivorce.com notes, if you are the respondent, you will simply have to follow along and see the action through to its conclusion.

Men AND Women who fight with a well thought out divorce plan, seldom get taken to the cleaners. The key is preparation and a good divorce attorney.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants the separation then she can move out. Not you.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

Lost Dad said:


> I am not ready to give up 18 years of marriage to my wife and best friend.


If this is true, you have no chance. You have to be ready to end the marriage in order to have any chance of saving it.

Assuming for a moment your story is true, why would you even consider leaving? Because she'll leave if you don't? She's a selfish person who is obviously cheating on you, no other explanation makes any sense. Why in the world would she need you to leave in order for her to be happy, she's hardly there anyway and according to you, she does nothing at home.

Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. A bogus domestic violence complaint may be in our future once you refuse to leave. Also, see a lawyer immediately. Document everything. Prepare for war and start investigating to find out who the other man/woman is.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She's cheating. Divorce her. Nothing is going to fix this. Ever. But go ahead. Waste a few more years of your life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP hasn't been back in FIVE days... Since his original post...

Oh well, he missed a lot of good advice.

Methinks something is amiss!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> OP hasn't been back in FIVE days... Since his original post...
> 
> Oh well, he missed a lot of good advice.
> 
> ...


When I read that he had teenagers who went to bed at 9 and were "tucked in"... and a med student wife who slept in all morning....

mmmmmm... uh huh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> You need a lawyer pronto. Tell her to STFU with her childish demands. And then cut off any and all funding for her medical education.


You're awesome.....


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