# Is a crush the gateway to cheating?



## sayuri (Nov 26, 2013)

My husband wants to be honest with me so he confessed that he developed a crush. He had one before while we were dating and it broke us up, but we managed to make those repairs. He said he told me so that I can help him snap out of it because he wants to only desire me. What worries me is that this crush developed while we were in the midst of a couple of arguing days. I'm now scared to argue. I think that if you allow that gap for yourself to develop a crush then how committed are you really? He also said that he feel insecure about our future because we argue too much. He has this vision that marriages should never argue, only discuss. We have heated arguments maybe 3x a year or so - I think that's pretty good but he thinks that's too much because we should have none. I feel like if I stick it out, I'm basically waiting for him to someday tell me that he's leaving me for someone else - and be completely humiliated. On the other hand I don't want to give up on our year and a half long marriage.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Well it means he has poor boundaries which is definitely not good, and yes can lead to an affair.

He's manipulating you. He has you afraid to raise a fuss with him for fear he'll cheat on you. And that only you can "fix" him and why he does this. No you can't. You can't fix,er I mean help, as he put it. Only he can fix this about him, and he is trying to guilt you into making it your mission to fix. This is not healthy and yes, these type of folks will cheat on you. This is only the beginning, I'd say get out now.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Reading sayuri's post made me wonder if he's either thinking about cheating or already is and is trying to soften the blow by blaming her for "arguing" which would justify his reason for leaving her. 

I think you should quietly investigate. Who is the object of his crush? Check phone records, emails, texts, etc. Do it quietly and if you find anything alarming, come back here to get more advice.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

"*Crushes**" are simply one of many "gateways" to infidelity. And you won't have much difficulty in identifying them all if you'll just keep reading the infidelity threads here on TAM!*


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## sayuri (Nov 26, 2013)

Manipulative? Interesting. I had not even thought of that. Could someone help explain that? I'm not sure I get it.

I appreciate everyone's input. Especially because some topics you just don't have anyone to talk to about.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

sayuri said:


> Manipulative? Interesting. I had not even thought of that. Could someone help explain that? I'm not sure I get it.


As you wrote, it makes you scared to argue. He's probably figured that out. Also, he's creating competition between you and the crush. 

So...he may be doing this to get you back "in line."

On your original question, YES, without a doubt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Crushes are normal. We are human. Humans are attracted to other people. That's just how we are wired. 

Having a crush is one thing. ACting on it is totally something different.

It's good that he told you. VERY good. His telling you means he is willing to be open about it.

My advice: he should have no contact w/ the crush person and get into some good marriage counselling. Read His Needs/Her Needs and the 5 love languages.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Crushes are normal. We are human. Humans are attracted to other people. That's just how we are wired.
> 
> *Having a crush is one thing. Acting on it is totally something different.*
> 
> ...


*Jelly has pretty much hit the nail squarely on the proverbial head! 

Because as they say, "actions speak far louder than words!"*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think I can safely say that most men would not be stupid enough to admit something like that to their wife, without there being something nefarious behind it; either manipulation to keep you in line or preparing you for an eventual exit.

Either your husband is honest to a fault or he's playing mind games with you. 

You know him the best, so you'll have to decide. Either way I'd start doing some covert investigation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

sayuri said:


> Manipulative? Interesting. I had not even thought of that. Could someone help explain that? I'm not sure I get it.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's input. Especially because some topics you just don't have anyone to talk to about.


this is called "sowing the seeds." He is now warning you that he is not completely happy with the relationship with you. When he starts to have a full blown affair with this woman, he can say to you and to himself that he has been perfectly honest with you that your relationship needed fixing and that you have so far done nothing about it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

badmemory said:


> I think I can safely say that most men would not be stupid enough to admit something like that to their wife, without there being something nefarious behind it; either manipulation to keep you in line or preparing you for an eventual exit..


Not true on the nefarious part and I hate the word 'manipulation'. I tell my wife. It's more of a 'help me' because it does bug me that I find some woman infatuating. So, I do my thing which is become a bubble boy around this red flag woman. Super strengthened boundaries.

What my wife can help me with is to help remind me why I'm with her so the arguments don't become a defining aspect of our relationship. I want her help, not her opposition. It's admitting I have a weakness in me. 

So basically, if my wife goes ballistic and starts 'laying down the law' and treating me like a cheating pos just because I'm attracted to someone... it drives me underground so I wouldn't tell next time. That's how it works. If I come to you with a personal problem and you add to that problem, you aren't going to be a help and that is the lesson I learned. Why ask for help if you aren't willing to give it? At that point it becomes warnings and veiled threats if I mention stuff like that. So if your marriage is already there, you need to ask him what he is really looking for when he tells you this and try not to approach it like a confrontation but that you are unsure if its a warning shot or a cry for help. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't be arguing those things that need it, but do not forget to also provide carrots instead of just the stick. Don't let the stick define who you are to them as a spouse.


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## sayuri (Nov 26, 2013)

Manipulative? Interesting. I had not even thought of that. Could someone help explain that? I'm not sure I get it.

I appreciate everyone's input. Especially because some topics you just don't have anyone to talk to about.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Racer said:


> Not true on the nefarious part and I hate the word 'manipulation'. I tell my wife. It's more of a 'help me' because it does bug me that I find some woman infatuating. So, I do my thing which is become a bubble boy around this red flag woman. Super strengthened boundaries.


I guess we'll have to disagree. I'm all for honesty in a relationship, but I don't believe it's a wife's responsibility to "help" the other spouse resist the temptation to violate his wedding vows. That's something he needs to talk with his buddies or a counselor about, not his wife. How about ending contact with the OW for starters if he really is concerned.

If a husbands wants to be honest, and smart at the same time; he should tell his wife his concerns about the issues in the marriage; not that he's attracted to someone else. To any wife, that's a punch in the gut and not likely to evoke any empathy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It can be, but not always. If you two work together, it can be fine.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

badmemory said:


> I guess we'll have to disagree. I'm all for honesty in a relationship, but I don't believe it's a wife's responsibility to "help" the other spouse resist the temptation to violate his wedding vows.


Really? You'd rather someone who is flat out admitting they feel weak on this one deal with it themselves when you already know they have a ***** in the armor with this woman? Sort of a recipe for disaster if you ask me. 

In my opinion, it isn't the time to rely upon what 'should be' by ignoring 'what is'. He has a crush: That is real, factual and admitted of how *he feels*. Being able to 'resist temptation' is a expectation you have *and how you feel* that is already contradicted by the fact he has a crush and is tempted. You can only control your actions, not the actions of others. I wouldn't bank on "should be" based on how you feel about it.

Deal with it or don't. Both have ramifications. You have influence with him, he came to you to tell you. Use it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Racer said:


> You can only control your actions, not the actions of others.


Exactly.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

Racer said:


> if my wife goes ballistic and starts 'laying down the law' and treating me like a cheating pos just because I'm attracted to someone... it drives me underground so I wouldn't tell next time. That's how it works. If I come to you with a personal problem and you add to that problem, you aren't going to be a help and that is the lesson I learned.


I'm gonna try to be real gentle in how I say this. But the way I read this is that whatever next step you would make with a crush, is determined by how your wife reacts to you admitting said crush. This to me is really dangerous thinking. 

If she reacts with understanding and helpfulness, then you will most likely thwart crush, but if she reacts "ballistic" then you will possibly continue crush or at least go underground (and going underground is a fear of every BS) because after all, she didnt' "help" you get over it? 

I can't not think of ANY woman I know, myself included, who would automatically react with "oh so you fantasize about ___ and find her tempting and irresistible? awww, that must be such a burden for you! I simply must help you!" 

Most women would be deeply hurt by such an admission, and disappointed in their spouse for opening themselves up to a crush in the first place. Now, going ballistic is usually not the answer to any problem, but I would say most reactions would be in between: one of hurt, suspicion, fear. 

I think it would also really depend on who the crush was. If you think admitting such a thing about a person a spouse already has suspicions of or whom has already caused your spouse problems in the marriage, then good luck with that. If it's maybe someone the spouse respects or doesn't see as a threat, then maybe it would go over easier. 

That being said, I appreciate that if that's your way of getting over a crush, then that's way better than NOT getting over a crush. But I feel like us BS are always expected to try to react certain ways "or else". It's a common theme: How to confront, how to communicate and especially now to react to breaches in the walls of our marriages. If we aren't strong enough we are doormats and of course the WS will TT and gaslight and cake east. If we react too strong we are mean and of course the WS can't be honest with us. Can't win. 

I'm not trying to pick on you Racer. Just my thoughts.

ETA I think a crush is more than just a mere passing attraction.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

a crush doesnt develop over night...it takes a little time and nurturing...PLENTY of time to realize something "bad" is happening and to step back, walk away...

cheaters act like they didnt see it coming, woops I stumbled into a crush...BULLCHIT...you nurtured it and saw what was happening and continued it...maybe you thought you could control it, or maybe you did intend to take it all the way...still a cheater


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

sayuri said:


> He said he told me so that I can help him snap out of it because he wants to only desire me.


You can't do this for him. It's good that he told you. This means you can openly discuss it, and hold him accountable for actions that he needs to take to snap himself out of it and to increase his desire for you.


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## sedona (Oct 10, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> What is the definition of a, "crush". I don't know what it is apparently. I remember having, "crushes", when I was a child. It was an attraction that wasn't acted upon. That's pretty much what I'm going with.
> 
> How about someone put up a link to something? This could go on and on with arguments because no one is on the same page.


When I think of the word crush I think of that movie with Alicia Silverstone lol. 

I think a crush is a step beyond attraction. A crush is more obsessive, imo. I think a crush in adult terms is not like a crush in 4th grade. It implies very frequent fantasizing, temptation, and lusting. I think a crush implies that there are subtle things already being acted upon, such as going out of the way to run into the person or constantly looking them up on fb. Whereas you can be attracted to someone when you see them, but not necessarily fantasize about them or go out of your way to be attracted to them. I think in a crush the crusher views the crushee unrealistically: seeing them as more *everything* than other mortals. I don't think a crush can burn for very long without some sort of effort on part of the crusher. 

I tried to look up some sort of definition, but all I could really find were things about middle schoolers. Or infatuations with unattainable people like celebrities. My DH says he has a crush on Mariska Hargay, that's a lot different than if he said he had a crush on dingdong the office work tramp who is already meddling with other people's men and already on my radar. Just an example, I'm not bitter 

Therefore, I think in real, adult life a crush can be a gateway to cheating. based mostly on what I view as the obsessive quality of it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

sedona said:


> I'm gonna try to be real gentle in how I say this. But the way I read this is that whatever next step you would make with a crush, is determined by how your wife reacts to you admitting said crush. This to me is really dangerous thinking.
> 
> I'm not trying to pick on you Racer. Just my thoughts.


It was gentle... not a problem. I actually agree with you more than not. I think we are saying the same thing, but just slightly different. You can’t react ballistic or you might drive a wedge in there and it goes underground. So you too are basically agreeing the next step is somewhat determined by how the spouse reacts to this news.

It does not mean he should just dump it on her shoulders to ‘fix this’. No way. She can’t control how he feels about another person. But she can influence how he feels toward her and strengthen and remind him. 

So, what my reformed wife does: The little stuff. When I get home every night, I feel as though she is genuinely happy to see me. I feel as though she does want to talk to me, and also thinks about me throughout the day. She lets me know and wants to chat. She becomes my crush. 

That doesn’t mean we don’t argue or disagree about a ton of stuff... What it means is she doesn’t allow those divisions to be the defining ‘normal’ of our relationship and has learned to resolve issues rather than harbor resentments on what we aren’t. 

Because of that, it is much less likely I dwell on my crush because I’m preoccupied thinking about my wife. It is less likely I question our marriage or even consider whether it’s worth the bother. She reminds me of just why the hell I put up with her... Because she is awesome even if she’s mostly insane and emotional. It’s ok that sometimes we can’t think straight; It’s why we have each other to help anchor ourselves.

But when she chooses to make us adversaries... I treat her as such and my actions follow suit. The old her would argue whether or not I should feel ‘crush’ feelings towards another. Dumb argument because I already do whether she likes it or not. 

And just for the record. Switch Mr. Racer for Mrs. Racer. That’s what I did to her. And she ended up in the arms of her crush seeking his advice on our relationship....


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Example of honesty is not the best policy.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Crushes are normal. We are human. Humans are attracted to other people. That's just how we are wired.
> 
> Having a crush is one thing. Acting on it is totally something different.


JB is right on the money. About once every 10 yrs I encounter someone through life's everyday activities that I have genuine chemistry with. I reinforce my boundaries and will cut off all contact if my boundaries are violated. I simply refuse to play with fire. 

OP: Tell your DH how you feel about him and how his revelation makes you feel. Then ask, "What boundaries will you engage to protect our relationship?"


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

One more comment ... I asked my therapist about my most recent crush. She explained to me that the person activated something in me that needed expression. In my case, I am a reluctant intellectual, always struggling to reduce my thoughts into digestible pieces. My crush was fully able to withstand the full measure of my most profound argumentation and reflect it back to me. In this book:

Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other (Studies in Jungian Psychology By Jungian Analysts, 79) by James Hollis — Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

you gain an understanding that the subtext of a crush is an illusion. The chemistry you feel is a reflection of your own needs being projected on to another. It's strange for me even now ... it's all about you ... imagine that-


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think that fact that he was honest to you about developing a crush shows some merit. And I can see to some degree how saying how he needed you to keep him honest can sound like that he isn't taking full responsibility...but at the same time, the fact that he told you and admitted that he wants YOU to be the object of his crush...says a lot He could have kept it to himself and dealt with the struggle all alone...but no, he brought it to his wife like he should. I can understand that this reality rattles you...but many of us here can attest that marriage is a BATTLE, that you don't get to assume anything. Your husband was right to bring it up.

And there is nothing wrong with arguing...just as long as there is respect and open communication. If he has a hard time with arguing...then it may mean that he didn't grow up in an environment where a disagreement can be healthy. Disagreements are very healthy...they teach us to compromise...to understand each other...but if you guys spend your time just getting your feelings hurt or trying to win the last word, then you need a new way to argue. Avoiding arguments or thinking we should never argue is immature and not realistic. Also, if you are afraid to argue for fear someone will leave you...that is not healthy either.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Telling your wife about a crush or someone hitting on you is being open and transparent. There are no secrets in marriage. 

He didn't go underground he did the complete opposite and exposed the situation. He did the right thing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sayuri said:


> My husband wants to be honest with me so he confessed that he developed a crush. He had one before while we were dating and it broke us up, but we managed to make those repairs. He said he told me so that I can help him snap out of it because he wants to only desire me. What worries me is that this crush developed while we were in the midst of a couple of arguing days. I'm now scared to argue. I think that if you allow that gap for yourself to develop a crush then how committed are you really? He also said that he feel insecure about our future because we argue too much. He has this vision that marriages should never argue, only discuss. We have heated arguments maybe 3x a year or so - I think that's pretty good but he thinks that's too much because we should have none. I feel like if I stick it out, I'm basically waiting for him to someday tell me that he's leaving me for someone else - and be completely humiliated. On the other hand I don't want to give up on our year and a half long marriage.


It certainly can be. My wife had a years-long EA, and told me she and OM often said they had crushes on each other.


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## Krator (Dec 7, 2012)

Google 'limerence'.

I find the part about 'Crystallization' particularly scary. This is where the POSOM/W's flaws are ignored, and are transformed into 'diamonds'.

Yikes.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

This is the reason why men are reluctant to share their feelings with their partners. 

For a man, a discussion about spades may be just about spades, and not a metaphor or trick, nor critique of society, or clever manipulating roundabout hypnotising attempt to get advantage.

Say something straightforward about how you feel, and be prepared to be mis-interpreted. What your partner hears is not how you feel. It's like in Sedona's comment the interpretation is "how does what he say apply to me?", "what is he trying to say about me?" Always double guessing.

Fundamentally: the average guy is not as clever as you are.

There is a minority who are. But they could fake a whole relationship, so you've already lost the game, and suddenly realising the true nature of spade-ness isn't going to help you. That's hypothetical anyway, coz you'll never know he is one, because he's figured out that one should act dumb to fit in better. 

My brother is one of these and faithfully married for a very long time, but he doesn't seem very bright, no qualifications to speak of. But if suddenly he revealed that he was a Russian code breaker on standby since 1991, I wouldn't bat an eyelid in surprise... but I'd be certain that his wife was completely clueless.

It's best to assume with a fella, that when he's talking about a spade, the true underlying hidden topic is .... spades. And that it's not about "What Does His Talk Of Spades Say About Me?"


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Only you know your husband and correct me if I'm wrong. I feel that he is struggling with a crush so because he loves you and trusts you with his feelings, he is admitting it to you. We ALL struggle with tempting thoughts. The fact that he shared it with you, as hard as it is for you, is noble. He probably should have shared his struggle with a trusted male friend because as a wife you are going to worry about every little thing from now on. Maybe you have cause to be suspicious IDK. I would thank him for being honest and encourage him to continue to do so. Maybe try to address the issue as to why he is insecure with the marriage....did he come from a divorced home....does he associate arguments with abandonment?? He may need IC.

About two years ago this happened to me. I close friend of my husbands gave me a proposition, I was blind sided and my mind was struggling with thoughts of this man. I did confess the temptation to my husband, and he thanked me for being honest. We discussed together how to put up better boundaries in our marriage so neither one of us falls. Needless to say we aren't friends with the OM. It is very, very hard to be transparent to our spouse but well worth it.

Good Luck


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

over20 said:


> About two years ago this happened to me. I close friend of my husbands gave me a proposition, I was blind sided and my mind was struggling with thoughts of this man. I did confess the temptation to my husband, and he thanked me for being honest. We discussed together how to put up better boundaries in our marriage so neither one of us falls. Needless to say we aren't friends with the OM. It is very, very hard to be transparent to our spouse but well worth it.


Wow, I totally admire your values. I'm not coming onto you BTW


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Ok, I originally posted:

_I think I can safely say that most men would not be stupid enough to admit something like that to their wife, without there being something nefarious behind it; either manipulation to keep you in line or preparing you for an eventual exit._

Apparently I "wasn't" safe in saying that. I understand the importance of transparency. And if the husband honestly believes that telling his wife is the only way of preventing his infidelity - so be it.

Maybe I can explain my thoughts better by giving two scenarios:

1- Husband has a crush on another woman, he tells his wife, his wife gets upset and hurt, they work through his issues, husband goes no contact. Wife appreciates her husband's honesty, but now, in addition to her hurt; she has ongoing suspicions that this could happen again.

2- Husband has a crush on another woman, tells a friend/counselor, works out his issues without telling his wife, goes no contact. 

Which of those two choices is better for the marriage? I propose choice 2 is, and that the husband needs to remember his marriage vows.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

What's the difference between a crush and an EA? According to many on another recent thread a crush is the same as an EA? i'm confused.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

couple said:


> What's the difference between a crush and an EA? According to many on another recent thread a crush is the same as an EA? i'm confused.


A crush is a feeling of attraction. Everyone has them. Much of the time they remain unexpressed. An EA is action taken to become closer to the object of the crush.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes, yes, but often, no.

Your husband has dumped this on you because he sees you as his stronger, better half. He wants you to help fix this problem. 

I think couples counselling is the way forward.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Crush is pretty strong. I think that is a problem in anything other than an open marriage without attachment boundaries. It's different to see someone who is attractive and then tell your spouse, though I am not sure what is to be gained from even that. In my ideal marriage, we wouldn't crush on other people. We would acknowledge that there are other attractive people, but turn our attention toward each other. I hate that I am on this site and having to try to articulate this stuff.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

As another poster shared earlier, a crush is all about oneself. The object of the crush has awakened a need within and one will risk it all to keep chasing that rabbit. 

My therapist said the same thing.....the crush brings out a dormant desire. In my wh case it was his love of space/stars/science(her field). This also solidifies my refusal to accept the old something is wrong with the marriage =straying. That's such a blanket cop out when marital betrayal is really more complex. 

"A person experiencing limerence has a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. In their thoughts, a limerent person tends to emphasize what is admirable in the limerent object and to avoid any negative or problematic attributes."

limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. This may be caused by low serotonin levels in the brain, comparable to those of people with OCD.[16] All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency, while conversely the constant thoughts about the limerent object define all other experiences. "


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Philat said:


> A crush is a feeling of attraction. Everyone has them. Much of the time they remain unexpressed. An EA is action taken to become closer to the object of the crush.


Not according to the definition of an EA. For an EA, you don't need to actually pursue a relationship (if i'm understanding the commonly accepted definition correctly) you just need to have emotional energy diverted from your marriage to this attraction/infatuation with the other person. The EA is defined by the impact that the infatuation has on the marriage (emotional energy being diverted) not by any actions of the person committing the EA. So you do not need to actively pursue a relationship, you just need to allow the infatuation to continue, hence allowing emotional energy to be diverted from your marriage.

A 'crush' is an intense attraction and infatuation. It's not a 'crush' when you see someone attractive on the street.

Since it's very difficult to have a 'crush' (an intense infatuation) with no impact on one's marriage and no diversion of emotional energy from the marriage to this intense infatuation, then that sounds like it's an EA.

Yes, i have problems understanding the concept of an EA as there is no definition of it that makes any sense.

I agree that having a crush (and therefore an EA by the way it's defined) is a normal and just part of life - no matter how dangerous to a marriage it could be and no matter how hurtful it might be. I'm pointing out that if one uses the term 'EA', then this implies that there is a guilty party who transgresses by 'committing' an EA. If we say that someone has a 'crush' then most people react that it's innocent and 'everyone gets them'.

But really, they are the same thing.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Wouldn't it be better to put his balls in a nut cracker and give them a nip??

Then tell him quietly in his ear that every time you think about her and just to ensure that he stays true you are going to put them back in for another nip until you are certain he no longer has this "crush".

Just my 2c


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