# 15 yrs, we have lots of problems



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I have no one to talk to about this and I really need to get it out.

I got married to my husband when I was 18 and he was 23. We dated for 6 months before getting married. I married him because he was the nicest guy I knew and would make a good father and we were horny. Basically, we got married for religious reasons. I was attracted to his heart more than his body, but I didn't think that would ever be a problem.

We never have been good at communicating. To the point that it has often been a joke that others know more about our individual lives/schedules than we do. It's not so funny anymore. The communication is so bad now that it just isn't really happening and I don't even know how to make it happen. 

We have 3 kids; 13 yr old, 7 yr old and 3 yr old.

Before getting pregnant with our last child things were so bad that I often considered leaving. It was more of a "run away" from our problems type feeling. My DH's dream of having his own business was just not bringing in money-it never really has. So, bad communication and being on the brink of bankruptcy was killing me.

Things got better and we had our last child. Several months after having the last baby I got really, really depressed. I was having bad thoughts and wanted to die every day. The youngest was a high needs baby. That took its toll. We still had money problems and communication issues.

About the time I started feeling better I began looking into my religion for several reasons. I ended up losing my religion-a process that took about 18 months. We were both _extremely_ devout. We would not have gotten married to eachother if we weren't both this same religion. So, I told my DH about the things I was learning/researching and eventually that I didn't believe anymore. He said he didn't know how to be married to me. He sees my loss of belief as breach of our marriage covenants.
(I still go to church and volunteer my time with it, but hope to figure out how to disentangle myself soon. Figuring out how to raise our kids in a mixed belief house is gonna be a nightmare.)

This was the last straw that made me seek counseling for us. We went to counseling starting August 2010. We went until mid-December. A couple things made us stop. 1, we didn't feel like we were being given skills for better communication and 2, DH was turned off when the counselor said he needed to choose between religion and me. DH has asked me if I want to see a new counselor who is the same religion and has a “technique” that is supposed to be 85% successful or something.

I initiated counseling. I also initiated a financial class that we took together. I've also initiated a weekend getaway for the two of us, but now it is in his court so not sure if it will happen. Plus his car just died so we probably should spend money on that instead.

Oh, sex. He would like more sex. That would be his only complaint in that department. I am struggling to even want sex with him. I am not attracted to him and he feels like a stranger to me. About 50% of the time I cry before and/or after having sex with him. In addition, he has gained a lot of weight and the last 15 pounds have affected, um, performance.

I gave up my personal dreams when we got married and hitched my wagon to his dreams and joint family dreams. His dreams have not turned out and now I am regretting that choice. I have recently started working towards a career goal of mine that will allow me to be home with my children when I need to be (I also have another job I work from home). Because of the financial and spiritual differences we have both lost respect and trust for eachother.

We're still having financial problems. We've been living with my parents for almost a year and a half. During our 15 year marriage we've lived with them almost 6 years total. Because life hasn’t turned out the way we planned my DH is not as nice as he used to be and plays the part of martyr or victim all the time. He feels like he has no control over anything and he can’t make any decisions himself because of all the bad business decisions he has made in the past. He also has difficulty, or won’t, set goals or work on a life plan. It is very frustrating for me.

I have a hard time telling DH what bothers me or things I’d like to see changed or worked on. I don’t tell him things that would hurt his feelings because he would be crushed. When I do mention things and try to communicate his response usually disappoints or hurts me. Like, I asked him why he can’t just care about some things for the simple reason that I care about them and his response was that he used to do that and got tired of it. Basically, I took this to mean that he is no longer interested in meeting my needs. However, he still expects me to want to have sex with him. I have sex hoping that he will then fill my love tank and it doesn’t work. I don’t have sex hoping that he will get it and fill my needs but that doesn’t work either. I miss being emotionally connected to someone. I miss being in love. I hate feeling like sex is currency for getting my needs met (which doesn’t seem to be working anyway). 

If we we're to separate/divorce I have no idea how that would work financially. I have run numbers and even if we declare bankruptcy I don't see how we could support 2 households. I could make it fine living with my parents, but DH would have difficulty making it on his own.

I don't want to be married, but I don't want to go through divorce.
During counseling we both cited the children as our reason to “make it work” or stay married and we both said if we met today as we both are today we would never marry eachother.
I’m tired of feeling stuck and like nothing ever changes. 

I don't know if I should try this new counselor he wants to try or do nothing or...


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

I believe you should see a license family/marriage therapist but I have a MSW (Master of Social Work) so my opinion is biased. It would be important for my counselor to have credentials in the counseling field, and to have a similar belief system as me. You and your husband could agree to see his therapist and see if you are comfortable with him or her. Several of my friends have tried two, or three different therapist, till they were comfortable with a therapist. You can find great article on finding a marriage counselor at 
Choosing a Marriage Counselor: 8 Aspects to Consider | by Lisa Kift, MFT


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you have so many problems. I know how hard that is. Life gets to be a blur because you absolutely don't know which problem to solve first. The old adage of "which comes first? The horse or the wagon" clearly comes into play. The sooner you can prioritize each individual problem (then completely resolve) that problem, the better.

You and your husband really need to work with a marriage counselor. Keep looking until you find the right one. You may also want to read some marriage/self-help books. I really recommend reading _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman to kick things off. 

As for religion, that can be powerful dividing or uniting source. Are you saying you are now atheist or merely changing your beliefs within religion?


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

I did read _The Five Love Languages_ and _What You Feel You Can Heal_ last year. This year I have read _Why Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It_.

I don't know how to really label myself spiritually anymore. I'd say I am Wiccan, humanist and a skeptic. I believe spirituality comes from within us and is an important aspect of humanity. 
My whole family is LDS/Mormon.

It will be impossible to find a counselor who believes the same as both of us since we both believe very differently.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can honestly see where the religion problem is going to be a dividing force. Although I am a Christian, I don't follow all of the organized school of thought. I guess I have evolved to the point where I am more spiritual than religious. I have spent a lot of time reading from the "New Age" section in recent years. It's actually interesting that my old southern family also shares my beliefs. While we are very tolerant of others beliefs, we find that others are not so tolerant of our beliefs. Therefore, I fully understand where you are having a problem. 

Is it possible to perhaps agree to attend a nondenominational church? That may be even asking too much from a Mormon. My extended family has such diversity--Protestants, Catholics, Mormons, Buddhists, Muslims, Shintoist, and probably more. Somehow we all manage to be respectful and get along. I hope you and your husband find a way to accomplish this as well.

Don't give up on the counselor situation either. After a couple of bad counseling attempts, I found the perfect match. Keep looking.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Yeah, the religious differences are going to cause some interesting dynamics regardless of staying together or not.

DH started trying to kiss my today and said he was starting foreplay. Haha. I told him that wasn't foreplay to me, talking is. So we talked for about an hour about actual important topics! I can't tell you how much better I feel about everything when we talk.

We talked about how he sees himself as a victim and not in control of his life. I told him it was a real turn off for me and that I didn't feel like it made him happy or served him well. Hopefully we can move him in a direction where he can get out of that mindset and become less passive.

The counselor he wants us to see is $110 a session. That just seems SOOO expensive right now. I know it is about the going rate, but spending money is really hard for us. UGH


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

At this point that may be money well spent. Separating and divorcing is far more expensive. It has been a nightmare for me. Good luck!


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