# Desperately needing help.



## InGodITrust (Dec 4, 2017)

I'm 34 DH 33, married for 6 years together for 7. We have a blended family with 5 children living at home and 2 with his ex in another state. We are both high libido however I am more emotional of course.

Long story short.. He cheated emotionally with his ex at the beginning of our relationship while I was pregnant with our first child.. This caused some distance between us with me always wanting to talk about our issues and him expecting sex to fix it. I got into a deep depression and just shut down from the world. He began drinking and hanging out late. I was 5 months pregnancy with our 2nd baby when I kick3d him out for coming home after 5 am. I was tired of his games and never trusted him thinking he was still dealing with his ex, which he always denied but was never willing to prove outside of his word.

During our separation he would always try to reconcile, but me flowers, take me out to dinner but was never willing to talk and always wanting sex I was give in sometimes but most of the time I would turn him down feeling that he was not doing enough to win me back.
After I have birth my parents persuaded me to go back since they notice a change in him. They told me a good marriage takes work and it's hard to work at it while separated. I figured I do love the man and we have children together so why not try.

Within a week of moving in, I found out he was having a double life. I confronted him, he told me he was just with her while him and I fix things and now that I'm back she would let her go. I totally believed him, but it was all lies.. He kept yoyoing back and forth for a full year. I was so devastated that I could barely function. His actions and treatment towards me, calling me fat and ugly, telling this other woman all about me, asking for a 3some, physically abusing me, contributing to me neglecting our children really took a toll on me emotionally. I would beg and pleas that he leave her and focus on us but he never did. I changed to accommodate him and gave him everything he wanted that he complained i didnt do. He left her when he found out she was sleeping with other men.

It's been 3 years since their last contact (he went to her birthday party to find closure while I was at home with the kids). We tried 3 different counselors with him always walking out. He has changed but never wants to talk about it and says I should get over it. He has severe ed which gets better with alcohol and oral from me but as the years pass I keep pulling away more and more. We had another child last year and I am currently pregnant again. Why? Because I'm stupid and was hopeful that things would get better over time.

I am beyond miserable. I cannot have sex unless i drink or smoke which is dangerous for the pregnancy and even when it happens he can't hold an erection or when he does he finished within 30 second (no lie). I don't even know how I got pregnant the last 2 times. He says I don't give him oral anymore and that's why. But it's been like this for all of 3 years. Prior to this last affair we NEVER had issues. We used to be like rabbits.

Current he can masturbate for hours and not finish but again with me 30 seconds and done. I told him I can't do that anymore bc it's tearing me up inside. I suggested we talk our problems out bc I don't feel wanted or attractive only needed for the sake of a family. He won't talk but gets upset when he masturbates and I don't even look at him. I am not over his affair, I compare myself to this woman he could not leave. I feel stupid for giving him so many changes. To be honest if our sex life would have never been affected I would probably have healed some by now. But his actions along with his ed has almost killed me.

Is there any hope here? I'm tired of talking and I feel like I HATE him. Though I don't want him to die. I find him extremely attractive which only adds to my pain in knowing that at any time he didnt or doesn't feel the same way. Has anyone else beeb through this mess and came out together and happy? Is that realistic or just wishful thinking?.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

I'm honestly shocked that you don't know what to do about it. Perhaps you do but want confirmation. You can never be happy in this situation.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

For starters, get an IUD. A shame you keep getting preggers and bringing innocent children into your miserable and unstable life. 

Do you work? Are you stuck?

Seems to me you are going to be miserable for another 18+ years while you raise these kids or unless he leaves you.


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## InGodITrust (Dec 4, 2017)

I know this. I'm looking to find hope in fixing it for the children to have a family. I have been getting my things ready for me to leave once the baby comes and I can work again. My hands are currently tied and I'm stuck. Therefore I figured let me see if there is hope somewhere somehow. Wishful thinking I guess.


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## InGodITrust (Dec 4, 2017)

I'm getting my tubes tied after this one. I've always wanted a big family however not like this. My stupidity in getting pregnant is what is having me looking for any hope in having a healthy relationship. I am not afraid to be alone, however I've always wanted my children to have their dad. I messed up with my first 2 kids and didn't want history to be repeated. Believe me I HATE myself for allowing my life to turn out this way, always hoping for the best. I'm very realistic and am aware of how truly messed up we are. He doesnt. My thing is I'm trying to do everything I can know bc once I walk away there will be no turning back.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

InGodITrust said:


> I'm getting my tubes tied after this one.


Why should you? It is so much simpler for a man to get a vasectomy and his recovery be much quicker. If he won't, it will show further how little he cares.


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## InGodITrust (Dec 4, 2017)

No, it's my decision. He wants one more. I'm just tired of getting pregnant and it's all taking a huge toll on me physically and emotionally. I don't want anymore children from him or anyone else. I'm ready to work on myself and get back to who I was, actually better. I do love myself, I know my worth. I just happen to be a loyal woman that wants her marriage to work in the middle of a hopeless situation.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

That's what you need to do. Work on yourself. Get into amazing shape and get your confidence back. Drinking and smoking stops now. Your food and drink intake changes now. Only water and healthy foods. When you're miserable, it's easy to neglect your body. We've all been there.

Maybe he'll notice, or maybe the next guy will notice. But you have to do it for yourself. Focus on getting yourself happy again. You don't need your husband to make you happy. If he's providing money and insurance for the family, then that's good enough.

Start seeing a therapist for IC (individual counseling). Start working on your physical and mental well being.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I doubt that you can get him to change in a way that will lead to a happy, strong marriage. What you see is what you get.

One of the hardest lessons for most of us to learn is that the only person we can change is ourself. So that's where you put your efforts.

You already tried the leaving him and hoping that would change him. Instead of it changing him, it showed you his true colors. He had an affair while he was trying to get you back. That's how he is... duplicitous and mean.

I have to admit that I find it amusing that he finally dumped his affair partner because she was cheating on him... while he was cheating on you. LOL He expects loyalty and does not have any himself.

While you are getting things ready to leave him and divorce him, make sure you get copies (or the originals) of all financial records, legal documents, his and your children's social security card, birth certificates, etc. And store these some place safe... maybe in the home of a family member or rent a small storage place. Very often these sort of things disappear when it becomes clear that there will be a divorce.

You might want to start working on the divorce right now. You can do a lot of searching on line for divorce in your state to see how it works. Amazon sells books for each state that are self-help books for divorce. Every state has a self-help divorce site. You can also call around and get free consolations with some attorneys. Many attorneys give half hour to one hour free consultations in hope that you will hire them. You might even find an attorney that you like doing this.

Your children will still have their father after a divorce. He will nee

If you find this current situation difficult, living with him now, you could file for divorce now. If you do, you can ask your lawyer to get a court order for interim alimony that is paid while the divorce is in process and child support. You can also ask that the final divorce action be put on hold until after you have your baby. After the divorce you can most likely get rehabilitative alimony until you find a job. And of course you will get child support... with 4 children that should be substantial. That way he has to support you but you don't have to put up with his nonsense on a daily basis.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, do you have any friends or family members who you can confide in and who can be your support system? You can also have a counselor and a lawyer as part of your support system. 

What sort of social things do you do without him? As @GuyInColorado says, you need to work on yourself and a support system and social life is part of it too.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Is there any hope? Absolutely. There is hope that you will realize that this is no way for your nor your children to live. Children are perceptive and what they will pick up is that what you are willing to accept is acceptable. Don't accept this sort of life. No one deserves it. We all deserve to be happy. You will never be happy with all that drama going on. Get out, focus on becoming the best version of you, that you can be. Do it for yourself and your children. That is the hope.


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## InGodITrust (Dec 4, 2017)

Those are exactly my plans. I have already started to save some paperwork. I'm currently stuck with no car and having to rely on our 1 family car to get around. However my mom and my best friend are both extremely helpful even though they believe I should try harder to make it work (mostly for religious reasons). They are my only support system and as such I can't always talk to them bc I sound like a broken record and I know how they feel already.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

InGodITrust said:


> Is there any hope here? .


I can't believe you actually asked that.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

There are so many red flags that I have honestly lost track. This marriage is unhealthy, actually it’s toxic. 

Here are my thoughts:

- he has an affair with his ex while separated and when confronted he makes it sound as casual as having entree while waiting for the main course (you)

- you have issues with self-esteem and insecurity. You need to work any issues that creates this level of self worth. Does it stem from childhood? You need to work on fixing your sense of worth. 

- he treats you with disrespect and no amount of love can change him. Sorry but you cannot love him into loving you. 

- it’s not a communication issue, he’s just a person who is mean. How long before his degradation of you as a person and calling you names takes a toll on your mental health. 

- you need IC not MC (there’s no point) but IC
I hope it gets better for you. I don’t think the marriage will improve.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

InGodITrust said:


> However my mom and my best friend are both extremely helpful even though they believe I should try harder to make it work (mostly for religious reasons). They are my only support system and as such I can't always talk to them bc I sound like a broken record and I know how they feel already.


I understand the religious background. I’m religious, although I would describe it more as having faith and a relationship with God. Still I think it’s a misconception that tou have to try harder. There are two people in a marriage. You can try as hard as you want to, but your husband is not trying at all.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> There are so many red flags that I have honestly lost track. This marriage is unhealthy, actually it’s toxic.
> 
> Here are my thoughts:
> 
> ...


I don't think there is any hope at all for this family and this lady should leave and learn how to be happy again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> I understand the religious background. I’m religious, although I would describe it more as having faith and a relationship with God. Still I think it’s a misconception that tou have to try harder. There are two people in a marriage. You can try as hard as you want to, but your husband is not trying at all.


"Trying harder" only has merit and value if the other people is also trying harder and putting in the effort.

If there is no reciprocity then it is all for nothing.

The other term for "trying harder" if the other person isn't doing any heavy lifting, is call spitting in the wind.


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