# Living with step children



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I was just reading another thread on here and it got me thinking about what is and isn't acceptable when step children are around?

I always felt like a stranger in my own home when my stepson was staying. I felt that because he wasn't my biological child I have to act differently particularly in the subject of remaining appropriately clothed and sex with my (now soon to be ex) husband.

I sleep in nothing but underwear. It's all I've known and it's what I prefer. I keep cooler and sleep better non restricted by clothing as I'm a nighttime wriggler, so clothing often gets tangled in bed. Whenever my stepson was staying, I felt I had to sleep fully clothed, incase he came in and I'd thrown the covers off me or something. This greatly interrupted my sleep, and so the more we started to have him to stay, the less sleep I got. When I discussed with my husband, he told me to sleep as I would prefer, but I never felt comfortable like this, like it crossed some kind of boundary. I'm quite sure it contributed to some of the less charitable feelings I had whenever my stepson would come for extended visits. It got easier as my stepson got older as he was less likely to wake in the night and come into the bedroom, plus we asked he knocked first, but that was a good few years of being uncomfortable.

The same with sex. When my husband first moved in he didn't like to have sex when his son was in the house (asleep in bed.) I was ok with this. As the time his son was staying increased, my husband started to change his view there, but I was also uncomfortable and felt I couldn't.

So I ask, what's everyone's views here when it comes to step children? Should you make concessions you wouldn't if they were your own children? What's a healthy approach to take for all? I don't have children, so I don't know if my views are skewed here, but if they're not, how can you have a healthy relationship with someone who does have children?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

How old is the child? How long have you been together? How often do you have this child in the home?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> How old is the child? How long have you been together? How often do you have this child in the home?


I don't anymore, we're getting divorced. I should probably edit my post to say ex husband. 

But they moved in when he was 4 years old. It started as we had him 2 nights a week, then approx 50% of the time, with extended times for holidays (a week or 2 at a time multiple times a year.)


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

If you are getting a divorce I am not sure what you are asking or why.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> If you are getting a divorce I am not sure what you are asking or why.


Because I'm not getting any younger and I'm likely to encounter step children again in a future relationship. So I asked: 



MarmiteC said:


> what's everyone's views here when it comes to step children? Should you make concessions you wouldn't if they were your own children? What's a healthy approach to take for all? I don't have children, so I don't know if my views are skewed here, but if they're not, how can you have a healthy relationship with someone who does have children?


The post from the German lady made me think of it.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Children bring a host of problems, even in the best situations. Personally I just avoid the situation. Granted it's different when the person has adult kids but that can go south too if the kids move back home. Also for me, I just have no interest in a parenting lifestyle so while someone with kids would be great for fun, that's all it could be.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Unfortunately it will almost always be situational. The best thing I can say is, take most of your cues from the parent of the child themselves. Never force them to call you mom (you would think this would go without saying but I have been surprised that some step parents actually demand this). Make sure you know that the parent is going to put that child first, if you can't handle this then you shouldn't bother.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I have a lock on my bedroom door. If something is going on that I wouldn't want a child to walk in on, it is locked. This would include sleeping naked / under-clothed or having sex.

With my own kids in the house when I was married, we'd usually have sex when the kids were asleep. I would expect that would be the same for step children as well. If they're older (High school or older) and they're staying up later than the adults, one of you (probably the parent) should probably give them a heads up that they'll want to put headphones on or go for a walk or something when you're headed to bed.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Children bring a host of problems, even in the best situations. Personally I just avoid the situation. Granted it's different when the person has adult kids but that can go south too if the kids move back home. Also for me, I just have no interest in a parenting lifestyle so while someone with kids would be great for fun, that's all it could be.


Children themselves don't bother me. Sure I've become accustomed to living a certain way due to not having them around constantly, but I do think there needs to be agreement from the outset as to what the boundaries are? I found the step parent relationship challenging.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Unfortunately it will almost always be situational. The best thing I can say is, take most of your cues from the parent of the child themselves. Never force them to call you mom (you would think this would go without saying but I have been surprised that some step parents actually demand this). Make sure you know that the parent is going to put that child first, if you can't handle this then you shouldn't bother.


Never once did I ask for or want to be called Mom. It's not something I want and I never want to diminish the other parent in their lives. 
The role of step parent can be a challenge though. In my example above, those were specific challenges, I had to not do what I felt would have been acceptable if it had been my biological child - but then as a step parent you also help nurture the child, are also responsible for their welfare, over time you can become a big influence in their lives. 
The fact that the biological parent puts the child first is wholly understandable and acceptable to me, but then is it considered selfish if the step parent then draws their own boundaries (i.e like a lock on the bedroom door.) ?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Hiner112 said:


> I have a lock on my bedroom door. If something is going on that I wouldn't want a child to walk in on, it is locked. This would include sleeping naked / under-clothed or having sex.
> 
> With my own kids in the house when I was married, we'd usually have sex when the kids were asleep. I would expect that would be the same for step children as well. If they're older (High school or older) and they're staying up later than the adults, one of you (probably the parent) should probably give them a heads up that they'll want to put headphones on or go for a walk or something when you're headed to bed.


Thanks Hiner, and you don't think the step parent or biological parent dynamic should change that?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

MarmiteC said:


> Thanks Hiner, and you don't think the step parent or biological parent dynamic should change that?


I haven't experienced it myself but I think sleeping children are sleeping children, locked doors are locked doors, children old enough to know what is going on are old enough to know what is going on. The biological parent kind of becomes the designated dealer with issues person though. They'd tell the older children what's up. They'd be the ones explaining an unlocked door mishap. Unless it was a long term relationship like you started dating when the kids were in preschool and they're now in high school or something like that and then the step parent can field some of those things as well.

Having said that, I've been dating someone for a few months and there's no distinct plan for them to meet my children. It would be a while between meeting and staying the night at the same time. Assuming that we stay together, there _will_ be a time when she spends the night the same time as my kids. If she's staying the night its a near certainty that sex is going to happen.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MarmiteC said:


> So I ask, what's everyone's views here when it comes to step children? Should you make concessions you wouldn't if they were your own children? What's a healthy approach to take for all? I don't have children, so I don't know if my views are skewed here, but if they're not, how can you have a healthy relationship with someone who does have children?


I've been a step-kid. My mom met my dad when I was 4. I was married and divorced young, so I had 2 small kids when I met my husband in our early 20's. I watched him step-parent and them be raised as step kids. My mom's policy was that the adults behaved as normal whether or not there was a biological relationship. I adopted that policy in my own home as my DH became a step-parent.

I had a locking door, but that would have been true had I stayed married to the kids father. NO ONE wants their sexy time interrupted by a small child asking "Who's winning your naked wrestling match?" Same with the sleeping nude issue. I prefer sleeping nude and so does my DH, but I wouldn't have wanted the kids to see me naked. So, we locked the door at night and the kids could knock if they needed us.

A lot of it is just common sense you'd apply to behavior around all kids, bio or not.

Other things are trickier. How does their bio parent handle XYZ? Well, that's how you should handle XYZ, too. If that makes you unhappy then you know the relationship isn't for you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Common sense really, kids do come first whether you’re a bio or step parent. I have a few more years before I can sleep naked, one kid is still young and we have a locked door that we don’t lock at night. (We lock it for sex when kids asleep and open it later). You do have to give the little things up. At your age, maybe avoid the smaller kids.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> So I ask, what's everyone's views here when it comes to step children?


I've only had a step-daughter, and she lived with us from age 12 to age 22.
I just treated her as if she was my own, I don't see the problem.
Yep, they're gonna walk in when you're naked/getting dressed/having sex ........
It's no big deal, when you have kids, you lose some privacy.

Locked doors sounds a bit odd to me, Americans sure are prudish!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I will never understand why parents don't keep a lock on their bedroom door if the kid is old enough to walk. It's not like you won't hear them if they try it. You can always put a baby monitor so you can hear if they're stirring.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a stepmum, we have our daughter (my step) full time. Her mothers choice. I've been in her life for 10 years now, and just treat her as my own. We lock the bedroom door when we're having sex but it's not locked the rest of the time, and honestly, I doubt she'd come in now anyway. We're a family as much as any other - we've seen it all, done it all lol. When she was little she'd wander in while I was on the loo to have a chat, or sit on the basin and talk to me while I had a shower. I've washed her hair while she was in the shower, cleaned up her vomit, wiped her nose, had her wipe her nose on my sleeve lol.

It's all family


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

A friend of mine came to visit with her 4 year old daughter a couple of weeks ago. I went to have a shower the next morning, and despite this being an en suite and both my bedroom and the bathroom doors were closed, I suddenly found myself wondering how to answer the little voice in the doorway "why don't you wear a swimming costume in the shower?" 😆 

I was a little mortified, but once I realised I couldn't have done more than I already did (no locks on the doors) I relaxed a little.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

My girfriend's teenage son walked in on us during sex while we were staying at my sister's place during a vacation. As he often did, he opened the closed door, walked right in, I was right in the midst of thrusting, I looked at him and said "GET OUT!". He said "hold on I gotta grab my shoes". Despite most of his view being obscured by bedding, he was fully aware of what was going on and couldn't care less.


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