# Parenting question regarding death...



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I should probably post this in the parenting forum but I don't know too many people there and you ladies and men have always given great advice.
3 hours ago I got a phone call telling me that a dear friend of mine and our 13 year old son, was found dead in her bed by her roommate early this morning. She was 30 years old. She was our son's after school care teacher for 9 years and despite him leaving that school, we kept in touch near daily. She has been in our lives and practically part of our family all these years. This will CRUSH him and it is also the first death he has experienced.
I am shaking so hard and crying right now and am at a loss as to how I am going to tell him when he gets home from school this afternoon. Do we wait until we have more information? Do we sit him down and just tell him what we know? I am so concerned because right now we don't know why?! She had been under severe stress due to her getting her Master's in Education. Do we mention that part as a possible cause? 30!!!! 
I am so scared right now. His reaction is going to be extreme and I worry what this is going to do to an already hormonal 13 year old boy. His friends mean everything to him and she meant the most.
I cannot stop tremeling.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Ever met a person who can put a smile on your face despite you having a crappy day? That was her. Ever know a person who selflessly gives to others despite having little of their own? That was her. Ever love a person who never forgets what is important to you, regardless if it is important to them? That was her. Ever adore a person who can laugh in the face of hardship and make you feel better about yourself just for having that person in your world? That was her.
Rest in Peace, Dawn.
You always wanted to be Superman and now you have wings. 
**** this is hard. Just crying.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

So sorry for the loss of her to this world Brennan. I wish I had advice to offer on dealing with your son. I think this will be all together rough for him but in remembering her in the way you do in your second post, I think he will feel better.

Thirteen is a really tough age. I hope someone who has been in a similar experience has better advice for you.

Again, I'm just so sorry for your loss and the loss to the world. It sounds like Dawn was an amazing individual and will be deeply missed.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trenton,
It was dark and gloomy here this morning. Now it is sunny. Maybe that's a good sign. 
The weight of the world on my shoulders. In 5 hours I have to tell our 13 year old son that the one person in the world that meant the most to him (besides family) has died. She was coming over this Saturday and he was already excited and planning what was for dinner. Now, we will most likely be at her funeral.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm sure it will be hard - but sometimes I think kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for.

I would just share with him how you feel - let him know its going to hurt and that's ok.

I'm very, very sorry for your loss. Wish I had more for you...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Crap Brennan, that sucks.

I guess if it were me, and I am likely too late with this, I would go to the library and ask the librarian what they had on this topic for kids.

But ultimately I would say yes, just sit him down and tell him what you know. The why is not really important, is it? The fact that you don't know might be a good way to focus on the sadness of loss and avoid having to discuss what might be nasty bio details.

I am so sorry for you.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Short and sweet, with you being under control.

"I wanted to let you know that Ms. -- passed away."

Let him feel what he feels. Don't feel compelled to pull him into a discussion or 'steer' him.

If he has questions, answer them. But it sounds like you don't have a lot of information or details right now. If he doesn't have questions, be ok with that as well. Just let him know that he can come to you - and then let him go on his way.

May take him a while to process. 

Condolences to you, and the young woman's family.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The problem is, he ISN'T resiliant kid. He wears his heart on his sleeve and she has been in his life since he was 4. 4!!! She came to all his birthday parties, all our Halloween parties, Christmas parties, just came over to hang out with us, dinner, out to movies, etc. For 9 years!! We talked almost every day or saw her at least 3 times a week. Besides us, she was the most important person in his life and now she is gone. It's okay to hurt? He won't just be hurting and that is what scares the **** out of me. He will be angry, furious and perhaps lost. Hell, I feel lost right now. Why, just why? She was my friend for 9 years and I feel like I lost a part of my soul. I loved her and our son loved her.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Why do you say he isn't resiliant?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would just tell him and let him lead the conversation from there. He might have questions, he might not. He might feel the need to talk about her, or not. Let him guide you, though, instead of you trying to guide him. If you try to force him to talk when he doesn't want to, or try to guide the conversation in a direction he doesn't want to go, it'll only make it harder for him. 

I would simply say "I have some bad news. Jane has passed away. We don't know anything more than that right now. If you want to talk or have any questions, I'm here to listen and answer your questions as best I can." Then see where he wants to go with it. 

If you think he's going to struggle with this beyond what you can help him with, then I would maybe call around and find a counselor who could get him in relatively quickly to help him cope.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice. I know I need to pull it together. It's really really hard. She was my friend too and I feel lost. The whys, the hows? The extreme sadness. 
He will struggle and yes he will need counseling. He is a heart on his sleeve kind of boy and this death will be earth shaking to him.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When you get a chance, please let us know how it went...


----------



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

So sorry for your loss.

13 is tough. I think you can tell him what happened, tell him it's ok to feel anything, then let him know he can ask you anything he wants about it. Let him lead when it comes to what you tell him about the circumstances.

I think after that, it is about watching him for delayed reactions so to speak. That is a hard age to experience death for the first time, especially when it is not someone who was old, or obvious sick.

If you feel the need to, never be afraid to seek proffessional help if you think it's needed as well. It is an unpredictable age for such things.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

On her FB page it now shows a picture from her relatives in Scotland who drove 45 miles in the darkness to get to a boulder that they lite up with candlelight that has a carving from Isaiah saying: "Yes, you will go out with joy and be led away in safety. Mountains and hills will break into joyful cries before you". 
God help me, I feel like I could just break down at any moment. I cannot stop crying and he will be home in 1 1/2 hours. Dear God, I miss her. She would have been the person to comfort me in this situation.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Wish I knew what to say...


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

It must be awful to feel so desolate yet know worse is to come dealing with your son; 
for what it's worth I'd say that though you'll probably do your best not to be sobbing inconsolably when he gets home, it'll do neither of you any favours if you try to hide your own distress
He'll know you're upset, you shouldn't pretend you're not
Everything else has been said by the others


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm sorry for your loss.

What people experience during grief is a sense of "amputation" and that's what he's going to experience, just like you are.

You have your world. . .it consists of many parts and people. . .all of the sudden. . .one of them is cut off.

Like an amputee, the pain you will have and he will have is immense and it will a sense of surrealness. After the initial shock (which could last weeks), he will need a "crutch" of some sort to accomodate his amputation. It can be you, a friend, even a dog or something. . .it will be the natural part of the healing process.

Once again, I am sorry for this trauma you suffered.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A 13 yo can understand and deal with the core issues. Don't assume you have to baby him.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Son's reaction was as expected. He is very emotional and feels betrayed in a sense. Tears were flowing from all of us yesterday and this morning.
Funeral is Tuesday and we still don't know what happened. Emotionally exhausting and just sad.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)




----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Being open and honest about your feelings and letting him witness how you handle such a tragic event will be more important than anything you say. Re-open the subject as often as you feel the need, and then double that time to be sure he knows the lines of communication are *always* open. Let him know that others might not say much b/c they may be afraid to "remind" him of the loss, but that you know he will have it on his mind and you welcome his thoughts or questions at any time. Because this was someone from his daily life, he will grieve for a long time and just keep an eye out for the way he manages his emotions--and if he seems too angry or otherwise unable to enjoy the usual things he enjoys (after a spell of intense grieving), then be sure to get help. He may benefit anyway, but of course you are the best judge of that. 

Remember to celebrate her life and love in little ways, too, "Oh, remember how --- loved that house and would say something everytime we drove by?" or whatever. The point is to be open to talking about her in all ways and to honor her memory as it naturally occurs. If he recedes into silence about her after the initial shock, do not assume that means anything is "over," because his process will just be beginning. 

God bless.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Today started out to be one of the worst. I got out of bed and went to our bathroom to find it was out of toilet paper. Went in to kids bathroom to grab tp and managed to land a$$ first on the floor having slipped on what seemed like an ocean of water from our son's earlier shower. Hop in my shower....no hot water. A monthly visitor arrives 3 days early. Tell son to get dressed and he comes in with his dress shirt that looked like he slept in it for days. Plugged in iron to find it didn't work. Hissed at him to find a pressed shirt. We hit the car in 30 minutes. Car didn't start. Called husband to hear him say "It worked just fine yesterday". That's helpful. Neighbor drove me to an auto parts store to get a new battery and installed it. Screach out of the driveway and hit the road. Drive for an hour. Get lost despite having Mapquest directions. Run low on gas and manage to find a station in the middle of nowhere. They only take cash. I have none. Hit the road again and find a station that takes debit. I pumped 2 gallons in to my car before I gave up waiting. That took nearly 5 minutes. Hit the road again and try to find the church. No luck. Get further lost. Anger and frustration is building and building in me as we are driving around. I spot a police officer. Pressure cooker on high and I tell him I have 10 minutes to get to a funeral and I have no idea where it is. I tell him the church and the street. He smiles and says follow me. He turns on his lights and escorts me all of 1/2 block to the left. There it was. I felt like an idiot. We park blocks away and run to the church as they are about to close the doors. Notice my shirt looks weird. Something feels off. My bra strap had broken. We race up the stairs and there at the top is Dawn's best friend. She takes one look at me and says "My God, you look like $hit" as she picks a leaf out of my hair. "What happened?" Sweat is pouring down my face and body and I tell her about my morning. She howls with laughter and says "You know Dawn is laughing her A$$ off about this. This is ALL her". I know she was.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Oh dear!
But - I believe you:
My stepmother's funeral, a month ago, pouring rain, in cortege en route to crematorium, hearse in front of us slams on brakes (visions of sick black comedy) - pheasant potters across road and up a grassy bank
Her husband smiles in the silence, almost laughs, says
'That's her!'

Apart from your [email protected] day I hope everyone's holding it together


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Oh dear!
> But - I believe you:
> My stepmother's funeral, a month ago, pouring rain, in cortege en route to crematorium, hearse in front of us slams on brakes (visions of sick black comedy) - pheasant potters across road and up a grassy bank
> Her husband smiles in the silence, almost laughs, says
> ...


That's the beauty of it all, earlier today was a day I would rather forget. I wanted to yank my own hair out. When we got there and I was able to calm down, I got to see the humor in all of it. NOTHING went right and yet we got there and she knew I would. Instead of showing up at the church sad and crying, I showed up pissed off and feeling like a survivor if you will. My son and I were able to get through the service with humor. At one point he leaned in to me and whispered "Mom, you kind of smell". A lined suit + sweat = saran wrap. She would have laughed her butt off hearing him tell me that. She made the humor possible and even though at the time I thought it was a curse or something else, it wasn't. It was her making sure we got there with our funny bone intact. She would have never wanted to see me or her favorite student sad. Ever.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Brennan said:


> Today started out to be one of the worst. I got out of bed and went to our bathroom to find it was out of toilet paper. Went in to kids bathroom to grab tp and managed to land a$$ first on the floor having slipped on what seemed like an ocean of water from our son's earlier shower. Hop in my shower....no hot water. A monthly visitor arrives 3 days early. Tell son to get dressed and he comes in with his dress shirt that looked like he slept in it for days. Plugged in iron to find it didn't work. Hissed at him to find a pressed shirt. We hit the car in 30 minutes. Car didn't start. Called husband to hear him say "It worked just fine yesterday". That's helpful. Neighbor drove me to an auto parts store to get a new battery and installed it. Screach out of the driveway and hit the road. Drive for an hour. Get lost despite having Mapquest directions. Run low on gas and manage to find a station in the middle of nowhere. They only take cash. I have none. Hit the road again and find a station that takes debit. I pumped 2 gallons in to my car before I gave up waiting. That took nearly 5 minutes. Hit the road again and try to find the church. No luck. Get further lost. Anger and frustration is building and building in me as we are driving around. I spot a police officer. Pressure cooker on high and I tell him I have 10 minutes to get to a funeral and I have no idea where it is. I tell him the church and the street. He smiles and says follow me. He turns on his lights and escorts me all of 1/2 block to the left. There it was. I felt like an idiot. We park blocks away and run to the church as they are about to close the doors. Notice my shirt looks weird. Something feels off. My bra strap had broken. We race up the stairs and there at the top is Dawn's best friend. She takes one look at me and says "My God, you look like $hit" as she picks a leaf out of my hair. "What happened?" Sweat is pouring down my face and body and I tell her about my morning. She howls with laughter and says "You know Dawn is laughing her A$$ off about this. This is ALL her". I know she was.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


>


Exactly!! That was her making sure we didn't arrive at the church in tears. Instead I was mad as hell which turned to laughter in a moment. 
The memories of just getting there is something I will have for my lifetime. It could have been a non event and lack luster. It wasn't and my son and I will remember our trek to her funeral for the rest of our lives.


----------

