# LeavingInSeparateRooms



## LoveSucks (Oct 5, 2009)

This is my first Post. Too much to explain but I will try to be brief.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with one son aged 9, but just this year she expressed her feeling for divorce. We had a long talk and she had a big list of reasons why she would not consider giving me a second chance. I have to admit the last 5 years have been kind of routine. I did nothing really be a good husband beside providing financially and being present. I took pretty much things for granted and that things were ok in our marriage, but I was wrong. Our sex life has also had it issues. We been trying to have a second kid for long time and sex was not fun for me it was like work, which probably was another reason I was not as affectionate as I should of been. I told her I would live downstairs in one of the spare bedrooms during this process of be seperated. I don't know what this process is, but my guess is until she can live on her own financially.

I still want my marriage to work because I love my wife and for my son.

One other big thing I found out was she was using her work phone to talk to her guy friend secretly. She says they are just friends, but I know it was more then that. She used to talk to him at nights when was asleep. I told her she was having a AF, but she denies it. I was so pissed. It was one of her coworker I met the year before during dinner with her friends. I reached out to the guy separately told him off that he was a loser and that I would kick his ass next time I saw him (emailed from facebook from my wifes friends list). He responded to my first email, but not my second email where I told him I would kick his ass when I saw him.

My wife just recently removed all my picture from her facebook, she open her own bank account and credit card. I don't mind her opening her own back account, since that is what we discussed before talking about separation plans.

It has been like 6 month of me leaving down stairs and me doing my own cooking and laundry. I have been trying to kill time by working out, but that gets boring. We still do family days together like couple times a month, but the weekend we try to split time with our son. We see each other everyday because we still live in the same house, but it get weird sometimes. I created a family calender on yahoo so we can plan things.

I try to do date nights with my wife one a month or twice a month, but we just talk and have dinner. I want to hold her hand or give her a kiss, but I am not sure how she would take it, so I don't.

I am freaking going crazy because I can't talk to anyone. My parents/her parents don't know and none of my friend know. I did tell my sister, but she is the only one that know. I did not tell my sister about the AF my wife was having, since I did not want her to judge my wife if we end up getting back together even if there is a small chance.

I don't know what to do. I am hoping things get better. I can't keep living with someone that does not love me anymore. I don't want to give up on marriage until the day she actually physically cheats on me. I am more worried about my son and everyone else at this point.

Does anyone have any ideas or is this eventually going to lead to divorce?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

LoveSucks,

I don't necessarily have ideas, but I can sympathize with your situation. For me a lot of this sounds so familiar except the trying for a second child. My w and I started out our situation with her listing her issues with me. As it turned out those for the effects of deeper core issues. Then we did the seperate rooms for a while, but too much tension was created. At this point she totally resented me for "not getting it" for a while. Then she moved to another place. All the while there was a "friend" - yes a coworker. Which was at least an EA for a long time I'm afraid. So I understand where you are in life. Yes I have a son too. And that is all I think about - him and the effects on him.

I wish I could give you a positive outlook based on my situation, but I can't. I now don't believe my w and I will reconnect. She has issues that she needs to address and to this point doesn't take any responsibility. Remember, it takes 2 to tango in the good times and the not so good times. Things can't get better until both people do it and want it. For me I want it, but I don't think right now my w does. And she might never. As far as the friend thing you did the right thing and I would keep an eye on it.

I believe my w progressed to the physical affair. That is why I don't believe we would ever reconnect. Sorry to share my fate with you. But all situations, no matter how similar are different since they involve different individuals.


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## LoveSucks (Oct 5, 2009)

Thx - feelingalone. I am pretty sure this would have been different without another person involved, but at least I understand her desire to search for something better when things are not that great. I think it would be easier for me to give up if I knew she cheated on me physically, but I don't want to give up on a marriage where I committed to in the beginning for better and worst and with all other related parts a marriage brings kids and family.

I know with another person it is much easier for her to not think straight, since she feel like there is a mirage of something better, but I can't control that. All I can control is myself and trying to make myself a better person. My major mistake was taking her for granted like most guys out there. I thought being there financially and providing her with a big house and nice car was making her happy, but my error was being a guy.

Also she use to so jealous of me having a females friend before we got married I just cut all my relationships. She should understand why I am so pissed she need to talk to this guys behind my back when I was asleep. My advice is girls and guys can't be friend unless the girl or guys is ugly. There still might be a small chance ugly people look better when they make u laugh or feel special.

Crap is Crap and Poo and Poo


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Love Sucks,

Geez the jealous part of your w prior to marriage is dead on with me too. So I did the same cut off relaionships out of respect. And you are right, that is one of the reasons why I'm so angry. I agree on your advice I feel the same way.

Understand her desire, but don't condone it. I was part of the problem, but would never cross the line my w did until we were divorced. Never. 

You have the right idea of working on yourself. That is all you can control.


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## LoveSucks (Oct 5, 2009)

Feelingalone - I guess u and I have similar experience. I think two people decide to get married you should commit to it - try to make things right. Marriage is not a car. I don't like my current car let check out the new models. Crap if everyone did that there would no such thing as marriage.

I love my son very much. I still love my wife, but she is starting to piss me off.

Sometimes I feel like I want to check out if she goes out to lunch with that loser.

Living in separate rooms make it easier for her talk to that punk ass. Sometime I am like man if she keep doing that crap maybe I should start talking to other woman, but know that is wrong. I catch myself looking around at other woman more now.

She is surrounded by people at her work that are divorced so I am thinking she might be getting crappy advice also.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Well, it is okay to get pissed off. Keep bettering yourself. But consider being the action taker with respect to things. My w is hanging out with a couple of younger single girls. You know, never married, no kids. I think that is part of it - she sees their freedom and wants it as well, but had me and the son. Doesn't work with those obligations.

Oh well. Good luck.


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## LoveSucks (Oct 5, 2009)

Last night we had some heated discussion and we finally came to conclusion it is not going to work. I was willing to try but she is not. I told her how wrong it was to be having a emotional affair, but she keep telling me he is just a close friend. I don't believe her because why do u have a call a friend late at night behind my back and hide a cell phone from me. I can't take it anymore and I can't keep this inside. I still love her but I am not going to torture my self to think she will love me again. When there is another person involved it will never work. I told her I am accepting the separation. I am going to hash out how we should separate/divorce with her tonight. We need to first sell the house, so will need to wait til next year or so and also keep my son in the current school. I make twice as much as her so I am willing to pay for much as I can until the final divorce. 

She keep saying she not going to remarry, but I don't really believe that. I am not going to be a jack ass twice.

she already remove me and my family from her facebook. She also create a banking account and move half the money to her personal acct.

I am going to move on even though this is going to be the toughest thing in my life, since marriage involves not just you but all the families and friends. I am ashamed of the divorce but maybe god wants me to use this to improve myself.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lovesucks,

You sound grounded and strong. Stay the course. You are doing great. She will see your strength at some point.


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