# My wife and my friend had an affair



## Amituffenuff (Jun 17, 2008)

Ok, I told a friend I would try this out and maybe it will help.
My wife and I have been married for 19 years and best friends throughout. We have always been that couple that everyone wants to be....
Last month I discovered she and one of my good friends have been having an affair for a couple of months.
I am a very successfull business man and family man. I have always been able to handle anything that has come my way.

This one completely wiped me out. 

I am still trying to figure out how to cope and how to save my marriage (if that is the best thing to do). 
We have two childeren, 14 and 11. She says she desperately wants to work it out and it was just a tough time in our life that led to this. But it is very hard for me to deal with the lies and betrayal that took place.

Not sure how to get through this one....

I would love to hear any advice from people that have made it work and how they did it..
Thanks


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## BlueCreek (May 5, 2008)

I am afraid that there is very little constructive advice that I can give you. I love my wife as much as I possibly could, but if I discovered she was having an affair, I honestly do not think I could ever get past it in order to save our marriage. The total betrayal of love and trust makes it the one thing in this world I don't think I could survive.

But my own personal "issues" aside, many many people are able to rediscover their love and trust and save their marriages after one spouse cheats on the other.

All I can say is that my thoughts are with you in these tough times. I can only guess at how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you the best of luck figuring out where you go from here. I do think this is a good starting place for you as there are people here who have had to deal with similar problems and I'm sure they can offer good advice, but I would also seriously consider finding professional help.

PS> Good luck restraining yourself and not kicking your "friend's" butt every time you see him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

don't let her off the hook with such a vague excuse for her cheating.

You need to get professional counseling to get beyond this.

Your wife will do the crocodile tears thing, the anger thing, the blame shifting thing, and so on so she does not have to take responsibility for her actions.


You deserve a candid answer, an expression of remorse over a long period of time, consistent open behavior towards you and her stepping up to repair things.

I predict she will not come clean with anything you do not discover on your own.

Be careful, there is more to come.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First thing I would suggest is a good marriage councilor. Right now you feel hurt and betrayed (and you should.) But to judge such a life changing decision without understanding might just set you up to fail later. You need to get to a point of honest communication with her. She needs to live a transparent life so you can build trust. She needs to cut all ties with this "friend".

For your own sake start to keep a journal of how you feel, it helps. Another thing is look at hobbies and things you always wanted to do for yourself or with your kids, this can ease the emotional part of bveing betrayed.

Still make time for her and talk (not yell) as much as you can with her. 

I will pray for you tonight. I wish you the best.

draconis


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## hitrockbottom (Jun 3, 2008)

All I can say...is from the cheaters end...

I cheated on my wife. It wasn't an affair, a one night stand. Still doesn't make it better. I cried, I apologized, I got angry. But it wasn't until I looked inside me and started to accept the fact that I did this that I could even start to make a little change. 

I want so badly to keep my wife that even thinking a little negative causes me to break down either in rage or sadness. But I am working on making changes. I thought I was doing them for me but the more I do the better I feel. I can only hope that my wife sees this. 

Sum things up, its up to both of you to want to make it work...you have to provide the forgiveness and the ability to move forward. 
She has to provide the remorse and acceptance for what she did. Also she needs to be the one to provide the most changes and the willingness to work on what ever caused her to detach from you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your world is upside down and of course you probably don’t even know which direction is up at this point. Marriages do come back from affairs but you will likely have a long road ahead of you. As stated above seek counsel. This is an area you are unlikely to be able to address on your own. Your wife must end all contact with your friend as you should, he is no friend. She must earn your trust back so she must accept your conditions of openness to you. Communication will be key. With time and distance you’ll get your feet back under you and begin to see things more clearly. Your marriage has taken the wickedest of shots here so take that time to sort things out. While my wife’s affair was emotional, not physical we have greatly improved our marriage over the last year. Take your time and move forward together to try and salvage the marriage and reconnect as a couple. My best to you both.


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## Amituffenuff (Jun 17, 2008)

Many thanks to each of you for the comments, they help. I am seeking professional help even though at first, i thought i could do this alone. Thank you again.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good for you. Please come back for additional assistance. This may be a very difficult time for you and there are many on this board with similar experiences and thoughtful advice. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amituffenuff said:


> Many thanks to each of you for the comments, they help. I am seeking professional help even though at first, i thought i could do this alone. Thank you again.


I am glad that we could help, that you will get a councilor to help as well. Remeber we are always here for you.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amituffenuff said:


> I am still trying to figure out how to cope and how to save my marriage (if that is the best thing to do).
> We have two childeren, 14 and 11. She says she desperately wants to work it out and it was just a tough time in our life that led to this. But it is very hard for me to deal with the lies and betrayal that took place.
> 
> Not sure how to get through this one....
> ...


You can make it work especially if you both want it to work. You can even have a stronger marriage than you've ever had before this happened, because working through this can bring you closer together.

You definitely need to talk about the 'tough time in our life that led to this' that your wife speaks of. Many times there are feelings of being disconnected for some time prior to an affair. If you both are able to talk openly without getting defensive, you can work through how you both were feeling prior to this happening. Did she feel unloved, unappreciated, alone, ignored? Did she feel you put your career before her? Get to the bottom of those types of things.

I don't believe any of those things warrant an affair or the hurt and betrayal you now experience, but I do think it will help you to know where she was at, how she was feeling up until that point and what she gained by this (feeling lonely and got attention from this man, etc.) so you are the one filling that void for her going forward.

Coping with the lies and betrayal is tough. For me, understanding how my husband got to that point helped me to forgive him. He was not feeling good in our marriage and he is human and made a huge mistake. I don't know if I would have been able to get past this if he had not shown true remorse and really put in the effort to regain my trust and rebuild our marriage. Forgiveness and understanding lifts a huge weight. I know I will never forget, but I also now know that our marriage needs to be our top priority and we cannot lose sight of that over time.

I'm sorry you are going through this but glad to hear you are going to counseling and both willing to work on your marriage. My best to you both.


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