# Should my friend and my wife hang out alone?



## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

My guy friend hooked me up with a girl that he has known for awhile and now we are married. He had strong feelings for her and I guess he hoped it wouldnt work out. But it did. He has come in between us on several occasions which lead to us breaking up at one point. He put our relationship through hell. Needless to say my friend and I weren't on speaking terms anymore after that. Neither was she. Me and her worked it out and now married and moved on from all the drama. Recently I ran into him and he apologized for everything and wished me the best. Shortly after he starts texting and calling my wife again like they did before me and her met. They would text each other and talk on the phone all the time. Now they are hanging out with each other again when I'm not there or at home. I am highly uncomfortable with it but I don't want to be controlling. Should I be worried? I trust her but not him. Especially since he almost ruin our relationship. Is there some sort of boundary that he is crossing? Should a friend that once had feeling for her be hanging out with my wife alone when im not there? Why would it right or wrong for this sort of thing to go on when im not around? Like I wouldnt mind so much if it was a group setting or if I was there. I know nothing is going on between them, nor will it, but im still concerned.

Thanks


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

art101 said:


> I know nothing is going on between them, nor will it, but im still concerned.
> 
> Thanks


This statement doesn't compute on many levels.

First of all, that is something you can never KNOW.

Second, why are you concerned if you KNOW nothing went on/will go on?

I think it's a crappy and shady situation. What has your wife said about their "new" friendship?

With all of the crap he put you both through, I don't see why your wife would want him back in the picture. I certainly wouldn't. I think sooner rather than later you need to talk to your wife and say that this situation is not good for your marriage. She couldn't even chalk this one up to "we're just friends" or "you're being overly suspicious" because there is a history and a bad history at that. I don't think that is controlling at all.

Get this piece of crap out of your lives


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

art101 said:


> He has come in between us on several occasions which lead to us breaking up at one point. He put our relationship through hell.


Your "friend" has already proved himself to be a snake. He's just changed tactics. He has bad intentions. You may not want to appear to be controlling but you do need to protect your marriage. Let you wife know you do not accept this relationship as it is dangerous for the marriage and ask her to stop all communications. If she refuses you likely already have a problem on your hands.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What the hell exactly happened between the two of you, that this guy thought he had a free pass to inject himself back into your lives?

This has train-wreck written all over it.

I think you should talk to him first. State the obvious, you can't be friends - HE proved that previously, and history has a habit of repeating itself. Tell him not to contact your wife.

Discuss with your wife. Inform her that you asked ex-friend to no longer contact her, (or either one of you for that matter) reiterate what happened to your relationship previously and the impact he had.

If she resists? HUGE red flag. All is not well in your marriage. I won't insinuate that she has something with the other guy, but it certainly means things are not right between the two of you.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

:iagree: With every post on here that says get this guy out of your lives. He has caused problems in the past and serves to add nothing of value to your relationship. 

I have a friend that just got married 6months ago and his wife went through a situation that I am now facing. I wanted to talk to her about how she dealt with it. Out of respect for my friend I only contacted her with his permission and when he was home.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I also think they should not become friends again. But I disagree with some of the statements. One is that I don't think you should talk to the guy. That is never a good idea because a person outside of the relationship has no particular loyalty or responsibility to you. Not even if they were having an affair should you speak with him. 

The other statements I disagree with are the suggestions that her refusing to stop seeing him would be indicative of something. If this were the case of some type of affair, that might apply, but not a case like this. When you ask her, she is naturally going to question why and is likely to refuse. That is just out of not wanting to be controlled regarding a relationship that you know is innocent. No matter how you broach the subject, she will take it as you trying to control her. That's just a normal reaction and you would respond exactly the same given the same circumstances. So, don't take her refusal as confirmation of anything.

When you talk to her, just let her know how it makes you feel. Tell her your concerns and remind her of his former actions and how he can't be trusted. She will tell you that despite him being untrustworthy, she CAN be trusted. Let her know the conversation is not about trusting her or not trusting her. It's about keeping the marriage/relationship safe from a person who has proven himself pernicious. You and she cannot predict the problems he might conjure but waiting around to find out what he might do/say and inviting him into your lives is not worth the risk factor. Ask her to be of one accord with you in protecting your marriage.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

This particular friend, no. He's already destroyed your relationship once, even though you did build it again. I'm glad you trust your wife, but I have to be honest here...if someone had come between my boyfriend and I and destroyed or almost destroyed our relationship, I would not WANT to be friends with that person. I would not be willing to risk my relationship like that, and I also would find myself unable to trust this "friend" to be just a friend. If she doesn't feel that way, I would find it somewhat suspicious. Perhaps she's just a more trusting soul than I am, but...still. 

I think you should go to him and tell him to stop talking to your wife. Then I think you should sit down with her, and tell her that you're not comfortable with the friendship she has with him. Remind her of what he did before and tell her you're concerned he may try that again. Explain that while you trust her, you'd rather she not put herself in the position of having to deal with him trying that, and that you're afraid that if he does try that again, he could make her look very guilty of something she may not have done. That might make her think twice.


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## 55Kerolin (Jul 7, 2010)

I trust her but not him. *It's her you have to be able to trust. Unless you have concerns about your wife's feelings for him, hence then do you really trust her?*


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## themodman (Jul 8, 2010)

If it bothers you and she knows it, she should stop on her own. However, sometimes people need encouragement. Stand up for yourself, give her an ultimatum. It's him or me! If she does not stop, leave her.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Art,
I think you already have a very big problem on your hands and it’s not the other guy it’s your wife. She has not taken your feelings into account one little bit. I think you should be very worried about that. It’s your wife who should have told him to go away and then blanked him. She didn’t do that. Reckon you need to find out why she didn’t. Don’t hold yourself to blame or the other guy, look to your wife.

Bob
PS: The other guy is not your friend. No way is he your friend. He is your enemy. He is competing with you for your wife's company and affections.


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## marga88 (Jun 17, 2010)

It's good to have friends going on around you but when it comes to personal outing which involve your wife I think it's not healthy to tolerate this kind of situation. Although he is your friend but he must also understand the effect of this in your marriage. He must supposed to think about your welfare as couples. If he
is really your friend he shouldn't be going out with your wife alone. And same with your wife in respect with you. If you love your wife, stop it while it's still early, although there's nothing going on but it's better not to.


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## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

Im glad I found this forum. Everything you guys have said has reaffirmed everything I was thinking. He was a cancer to our relationship in the past and him being back in our lives is only going to cause the cancer to grow. 

I talked to my wife about this. Letting her know my feelings and concerns best I could. Im not the greatest with words when it comes to things like this. She asked "why shouldnt 2 friends hang out?" I said "because its just not cool and that its crossing a line". Then she said "Why isnt it cool and what line?" How do I reply to that?She said that it seems like Im the only one with the problem and Im the one thats making it a big deal and Im insecure. I dont think she understands the impact he might have on our relationship in the future. To her, they are just friends. She said that talking to him is like talking a girl. 

She didnt say in so many words that my ex friend will be cut out but she knows how I feel about them hanging out and I dont think its going to happen again and Im hoping she will take into consideration my feelings and not see him on her own but he can be persistent and if she allows it to happen its just as much her fault as it is his. right?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Which is why ... you tell your _friend_ to back the f*ck off. If he refuses he certainly isn't your friend. He wants your wife ... again.

If your wife is indignant, you have some work to do on your relationship. I don't care if you knew without a doubt that everything was above board, if he and she are "hanging out" on a regular basis, the stage is set for very bad things. She knows it - but will plead innocence and ignorance.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Which is why ... you tell your _friend_ to back the f*ck off. If he refuses he certainly isn't your friend. He wants your wife ... again.
> 
> If your wife is indignant, you have some work to do on your relationship. I don't care if you knew without a doubt that everything was above board, if he and she are "hanging out" on a regular basis, the stage is set for very bad things. She knows it - but will plead innocence and ignorance.


:iagree:

It's not being controlling to fight to protect your marriage from a hyena.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

art101 said:


> She asked "why shouldnt 2 friends hang out?" I said "because its just not cool and that its crossing a line". Then she said "Why isnt it cool and what line?" How do I reply to that?


Having friends isn't crossing a line, but this particular friend crossed the line of friendship when he [insert fact here]...

Basically, if you have specific things he has said or done that indicate pretty clearly he has/had strong feelings for your wife...that was crossing a line if he pursued her while you were together...and now that you are married you don't need to reintroduce that drama into your life.

This isn't about being insecure or blowing this out of proportion...he has proven to be bad for your relationship in the past and with all the calling, texting and one on one time he wants to spend with your wife, it may appear to her as a friendship but it's highly likely he would like it to be more and is waiting for the right time to let her know.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

art101;164489
She asked "why shouldnt 2 friends hang out?" I said "because its just not cool and that its crossing a line". Then she said "Why isnt it cool and what line?" How do I reply to that?
[B said:


> The fact that this guy tried to (and succeeded,once) to sabotage your relationship with her makes him your enemy.[/B]
> 
> *(and hers, as well---he didn't have enough respect for her not to intervene in her love life)*
> 
> ...



*I truly hope your W will start to take your feelings into account. That will all depend on her level of maturity. She may have a knee-jerk reaction, "No-one tells ME who I can or can't be friends with!"*

*If you get that type of reaction again, you're going to have a hard, but not impossible road getting through to her.*

*You said "I'm not the greatest with words when it comes to things like this." Again, that's normal. It's very easy to get tongue -tied and twisted when your emotions are running high.*

*I'd recommend taking the time to write out everything you feel in a letter to her. You can choose your words carefully, wisely----and calmly.*

*I'd also present her with a hypothetical situation--(shoe-on-the-other-foot)....."Honey, how would you feel if I had a friendship with a woman who had been disrespectful to YOU?*
*Who had tried to drive a wedge between us?*

*How would YOU feel? "Really--how would you feel?"*
*Please take the time to imagine being in that position.".....*


Maybe that will get through to her.


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## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

Something you will want to watch out for is retaliation on her part. Tread carefully because this a slippery slope my friend and it could spiral out of control before you know it. If you demand her to stop seeing him or even insist, it could enrage her and she could decide to go against your wishes, only this time she won't tell you when she's hanging out with him. If I was you, rather than approach the guy about it (because it will get back to her and he may twist what really happened causing an even bigger mess), approach her. Don't even talk to the other guy. Tell her how it makes you feel that she is hanging around him, the discomfort, the worry, the anguish. Women are natural nurturers and you may spark the protective side of her, except she'll be more protective over you than him. Rehash what happened last time he came around and make sure she knows that just because some time has passed, it doesn't necessarily mean that he has changed. He knows what he is doing and it's morally wrong and unacceptable. Ask her how she would feel if situation was reversed. She can't deny, no matter how much she trusts you, that it would still deeply upset her.


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## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

its over folks! i tried to explain and all she thinks im doing is making excuses for my own insecurities. Everyone here gets it. all my friends get. why doesnt she? Theres no where left to go but to end it. Thanks for all your input.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's leaving you for him, I gather?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

art101 said:


> its over folks! i tried to explain and all she thinks im doing is making excuses for my own insecurities. Everyone here gets it. all my friends get. why doesnt she? Theres no where left to go but to end it. Thanks for all your input.


Hey Art mate, hope you're ok. It's sad when they're doing something wrong they blame, deny and minimise. You sound like a youngish guy, so much life ahead of you. If you have separated it will be bad at first and you'll have some grieving to do. We all learn from it and grow and look back and think wtf. Then we find ourselves in a better place emotionally, more energised and start planning our new future.

Bob


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## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> She's leaving you for him, I gather?


Shes not leaving me for him. It just seems that she thinks its ok for them to be friends and is too closed minded to see otherwise. In a way she is choosing her friendship over our marriage which hurts even more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then it's time to find her closest friend or family member and go to that person and tell them what she is doing. Ask them to talk to her. Also time to go to this guy and tell him to keep his greasy paws away from your wife; sometimes that's all it takes.

If nothing comes of that, then you need to go to her family and friends - all the important ones - and tell them that she is cheating on you and ask them for help. 

Once it is out in the open, she will be MUCH more likely to drop this 'friendship' if it's going to make all her important people think badly of her. It won't be so thrilling or fun; it will be embarrassing. 

Remember, your marriage can survive her anger at you exposing, it _obviously _cannot survive another man.

It's not over yet.

Go get the book Surviving an Affair so you'll have a battle plan for getting jerk out of the picture.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

art101 said:


> Shes not leaving me for him. It just seems that she thinks its ok for them to be friends and is too closed minded to see otherwise. In a way she is choosing her friendship over our marriage which hurts even more.


 fwiw, you told her to stay away and she refused, and you did...what?

Say, 'Oh, ok, just thought I would ask'?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

art101 said:


> Shes not leaving me for him. It just seems that she thinks its ok for them to be friends and is too closed minded to see otherwise. In a way she is choosing her friendship over our marriage which hurts even more.


That's called Minimising The Affect on You. She is trying to control how you should feel about the situation. She is not taking account of what you actually feel, you know that. In effect she has no Respect, almost total disregard for your feelings, your emotions. In this case your sadness and therfore your happiness as well.

Bob


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## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> fwiw, you told her to stay away and she refused, and you did...what?
> 
> Say, 'Oh, ok, just thought I would ask'?


I told her it was over. I honestly dont think she wanted it to come to this. We talked again and she thinks that im putting her in an unfair position.


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## art101 (Jul 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Then it's time to find her closest friend or family member and go to that person and tell them what she is doing. Ask them to talk to her. Also time to go to this guy and tell him to keep his greasy paws away from your wife; sometimes that's all it takes.
> 
> If nothing comes of that, then you need to go to her family and friends - all the important ones - and tell them that she is cheating on you and ask them for help.
> 
> ...


She isnt cheating on me


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

art101 said:


> I told her it was over. I honestly dont think she wanted it to come to this. We talked again and she thinks that im putting her in an unfair position.


These are tough difficult times. They're to do with our values, beliefs and experiences ... and sometimes they clash head on.

Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

If there're things there that you find meaning in I suggest just taking some time out, a few days or a week or so. You are in a position now what with your past experience and the current situation to start constructing some boundaries. It may be worth buying the book, a good investment of a few dollars for you.

These things are compounded, made so much more difficult when the love is there. That's why it hurts so much, because of the love.

Bob


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

art101 said:


> She isnt cheating on me


Emotionally she is. She is putting another ahead of your marriage. An emotional affair can be more damaging than a physical one. No doubt about it, she is cheating.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It's also very abusive. She's did it once before, knows the affect that had on her husband and she's doing it again. That's an abusive pattern of behaviour. It's like she's addicted to a drug and she cannot/will not give it/him up no matter how much it hurts her husband or damages their marriage.

Sounds like she hasn't a clue about the consequences of her behaviour. Is it designed to hurt? I doubt it but it is a worry.

Could be make or break time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

art101 said:


> She isnt cheating on me


Then she will have NO PROBLEM with you telling her parents, siblings, and best friends about her behavior.

You say it's over anyway, you might as well take this one chance to save your marriage by making her accountable for her abusive and insensitive and selfish choices. Maybe you'll do her a favor by exposing it and get her to learn a little something.

Get to it!


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