# Want to stay and fix it but feel exhausted



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I can't believe I am writing this here. I know for certain that my husband has been thinking about separation for some times now already. In some moments I find myself beginning to agree, yet at the same time the thought makes me incredibly sad.

Here's the deal:
1) I have not responded well to my husband's feelings, and he feels that his need for being heard is severely neglected. He doesn't like talking to me anymore, because he thinks I ignore, negate or undermine everything he says. I agree to this, partly, but some also has to do with different styles of communication (me being more blunt) and not sharing the same mother tongue (we speak his in our relationship).

On the other hand: 2) I find him mean and judgmental, especially when he expresses those needs of his. He blames me, criticizes me and uses expressions like "you NEVER.." or "you are being mean/you act like a child/you act like an ******* to me". My skin is maybe thinner than the average person's, but this kind of talk hurts me. It doesn't make me want to listen to his needs. It makes me want to run, and since I know that's definitely bad I try to stay — but tend to react by defending myself.

I am a very sensitive, scatter-brained, emotional, affectionate, carefree and careless, clumsy, absent-minded person. When my feelings or values get violated, I become a lioness though, stubborn like hell. He is a brilliant, genius, witty, charming, incredibly funny, sexy, intelligent, good with people, persuasive, intuitive, strong-willed. When his needs or values are violated, he gets hurt and shows it very aggressively.

I have tried to fix my part, learning to calm myself down when we discuss things, practicing "active listening" to show him that I understand where he is coming from, show him attention and affection. I am going to IC and have read half the self-help books in our library. However, every time I make a mistake, the fury that comes at me is an anger built up from all those times it ever happened before. 

I understand he is hurt. However, the more aggressive he gets, the harder it gets for me to act zen about it and listen to his feelings. 

The reason I am really considering separation is the fact that rarely has my husband claimed responsibility for our problems, apart from after days of yelling at me saying "I know I'm not perfect myself, but you just make me so...". I know I am far from perfect. And I know one person may fix the relationship if they take action to repair their part of the problem and at the same time establish their boundaries and stick to them. 

I just beginning to think that I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to take the blame over and over again, offer him a listening ear and commit to change. And then get rejected for most everything I need because: "you have been mean to me". 

*!"#!"€!%(")€#€"?#=*

Is it really too much to ask for him to take just a little responsibility for his own actions, to meet me even just a tiny bit, to try to fix our relationship WITH me? Apparently so. The more he talks about how "We have a horrible marriage!" "I hate being here!" "I keep thinking I would be better off on my own." — the more *I* start to think like that too.

Aarghh it's crap. I love him but *!"#!#€"# *, I'm starting to get fed up with this. We're BOTH hurt. NEITHER of us feel listened to. We BOTH just want to feel heard, appreciated and accepted. 

I have suggested for us to get professional help. He won't agree. He "hates therapy" and thinks all we need is for me to learn how to "treat him well". Well I have been in freakin' individual therapy for 2 months, I am working on this. But it is not working. I just want to sit down and have a real conversation about what either of us feel like are the problems here. And THEN figure out what we BOTH would need to feel better. As for now, we manage to get through the first part of the conversation, barely, but when it comes to the latter, it turns out I should give him what he wants before he can "think about doing that" for me. Great.

Well. Sorry about the rant. I shall go continues this in my journal and ask for some divine assistance.


----------



## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

i think your main issue is communication in particular listening to each other and remaining level headed. if he refuses to go to "therapy" try instead to go to a different type off class. i know some community colleges offer public courses in "interpersonal communication" there you will learn to listen, to handle conflict, use I statements, own your feelings instead of blaming others etc. you could also just buy a book on communication skills and agree to not work on any more marriage issues until you have both read it and use ideas from it.


----------



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Oh, yes, _I_ would like to do all of this. 

He won't go to a class. He won't read a book. I have read two dozen books about communication. We have managed to do one (1!) communication exercise which lasted 5 min. 

I thought it was incredibly useful for both of us, we both felt listened to and we both realized what our words sound like to each other. That is, I thought. My husband thought it was pretty useless (even though he also had to rephrase many things for me to understand and he didn't guess my motivations behind my words correctly on the first or even the second try). He thinks he already knows where I am coming from, he doesn't need to practice (and doesn't really even need to here my side to know). He also thinks he is the perfect communicator.

No, he will not do communication exercises with me.

Consequently, we just had a very serious talk. He texted me to come home so "we could talk". He then proceeded to tell me he would want to separate if we wouldn't be going on this month long trip we will be leaving for next week. He says he hopes I will work on this communication issue very hard, because nothing less will do anymore. He feels very disrespected and unappreciated by the way I have responded to his feelings, I know this and I am deeply sorry that I have caused him such pain.

I have improved some, and am nowadays able to listen calmly when I have been informed beforehand that he has feelings to share. So I listened, I offered him my compassion and understanding.

After him talking for about 40 min, I asked if he wanted to hear my feelings about these things. He said, if they negate his then no. 

No it is then.

I'm not sure what to think. I understand that he has been very hurt. I _know_ I have a lot to work on with this, personally, to get over the feeling that being criticized means the person hates me, to learn to respond to him and express my own feelings from a pace of calm and love — and to establish boundaries and enforce them. 

It just really rubs me the wrong way that he _refuses_ to show any understanding to my point of view, that his words hurt me, too. And that the way he expresses his feelings at least at the moment crosses my boundaries. He tells me that the way I speak is "not healthy for any human relationship". Yes, I agree I have things to work on. Just hurts me, that he can't take the log out of his own eye. 

Yes I have hurt him. And I do love him enough to want to try. But a part of me just doesn't have faith that he would ever listen to _my_ criticism of his way of communication enough to make a change.

Anyway. "By blaming others I give up my own power to change." So nevermind what he thinks or how he should be. All I can do is determine what I am willing to work on and work on that, as much as I can. And set my limits where I need them, even if it will drive him away from me. 

It all just hurts so much at the moment.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

tiredandout said:


> After him talking for about 40 min, I asked if he wanted to hear my feelings about these things. He said, if they negate his then no.


That pretty much tells you all you need to know doesn`t it?

He doesn`t care what you feel, it seems from your posts that he feels you are there to validate him and your needs are unimportant.

What has your counselor said about this dynamic you have in your relationship?

You seem to be beating yourself up attempting to fix a problem that isn`t yours to fix.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I doubt if communication is your only problem. If he wont listen then write him a letter. Better still tell him to come on here. Do you both work. Do you try to please him. If you do tell him you are doing the best you can.


----------



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

> He doesn`t care what you feel, it seems from your posts that he feels you are there to validate him and your needs are unimportant.


Yes. And here I am, 45 min later, him having stormed out of the house because in writing a note for his company — as a favor — he said I was "giving him attitude" (This is his favorite way of expressing that he thinks I am having some concerns I am not telling him. Yes this is often true. Why? Both because I am a more introverted person so speaking my mind right away is difficult for me, and because he attacks me about them.). So he decided to yell at me about that and then run off. I tried to talked him through it, calmly, but he just kept screaming. So yes, I also yelled back. Things have gotten impossible between us. 

I get that he has been hurt. But there's a limit to how much bad behavior it justifies. It's true he has lost any ability to care about my feelings. Don't know if I want to continue like that.

My counselor is obviously hesitant to judge him in any way because he is not there. She has pointed out to me, that the way my husband communicates things sounds hurtful and I have a right to want him to speak to me in a nicer way. With her I have also recognized that big part of why I have trouble listening to my husband's feelings is that they seem to erupt out of nowhere, so they surprise and sometimes (like right now) scare the sh!t out of me. Of course my therapist is there to help _me_, so she doesn't go about saying what my husband should do differently. But has agreed that I have a right to ask my husband to wait some minutes if I'm in the middle of something when he has some complaint, to take a minute to cool down myself and ask him then to talk to me calmly. I have also shared with her my issues with setting boundaries and claiming personal time and space and with those she has helped me tremendously. (Hence my husband feels like he's being "pushed away".)

God, I really do make him sound awful. He is not horrible. But we do have some SERIOUS communication issues and for him they have gone on too long (they have, but I have tried to work on them since the first appearance, too) — so he has lost all faith in our relationship and apparently can't any longer summon up any loving feelings for me in order to reach out to see things from my perspective.

It's all very, very sad.


----------



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Well, we kept talking about it and I guess it all comes down to the fact that 6 months ago when our problems started, I didn't recognize them right away. Being the conflict-avoidant type, I shrugged it off. Husband is very sensitive and quick to draw conclusions about my smallest actions or words, so he had time to get very upset by the time I caught on. 

After that I started to really work on this, learned techniques of listening and tried to learn to express myself better, and finally even started therapy. But the small problems kept on and my progress wasn't fast enough: he kept feeling hurt and that I wasn't doing what I could to be nice to him.

So we have arrived to this. Him resenting me for 6 months of disrespect and unappreciative behavior. Me feeling helpless having tried for 6 months to tell him what I had problems with but hearing that I didn't have room to ask him for anything because he "told me about his problem first and it still isn't fixed". I can understand this in the heat of an argument, but in the long run would think that he could consider, _knowing_ that I wasn't the best at talking about my feelings at that time, that I had had problems too, and that to save the relationship we would both have to meet each other's needs? 

I don't know if I'm full of sh!t or what. Maybe he is right and I just really have been the only bad guy, that it's all my fault and I shall now carry the consequences.


----------



## youngandtired (Mar 21, 2012)

My husband and I have communication problems as well (different native languages). But he is always trying to do better, both of us are. I have bad hearing and I am easily distracted, while he is a TERRIBLE listener. So we recognize this and say I need to talk to you like this and I need to talk to you like that. I took interpersonal communications (amazing class). If he refuses to get help, then he doesn't care about you. Leave him.


----------

