# Recently Separated and in a mess



## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Hi,

I recently separated from my partner of 9 years, we are both 39 and have 2 beautiful girls together who are 2 & 4. Our relationship had been in a rut for a while, while there were no underlying issues (or at least I think not. e.g. cheating, abuse, drink/drugs etc) we had just started to neglect each other and we both felt unloved & unheard. We live on the other side of the world away from our families and the stress of parenting, working full time we drifted apart. Also in the last 2 years I lost my grandmother (who was like my mum to me) and then my father. Covid restrictions prevented me travelling to the first funeral and then my Dad's death got written off as Covid (pretty sure he died suddenly of a heart attack)

My mental health went down the toilet and being a typical bloke I didn't seek help. I pushed my partner away when really I needed support. I started to get angry and I was angry at the world not her. I was never abusive towards her and I'm definitely not a violent man but I would get into these rages that would come from nowhere and stomp around slamming doors or swearing etc. They would often dissipate as quickly as they came and I would be left feeling incredibly remorseful and upset. I was angry with myself for getting angry.

I went overseas earlier in the year to deal with my dad's house. I was supposed to go meet my ex and the kids in Europe but things didn't work out that way and the job I took on proved to be a much bigger task than I ever imagined. My ex was really upset I didn't spend time with them and I was really hurt I didn't get the support I needed. We entered into a massive miscommunication and misunderstanding. During an argument (over something really petty) I told her we'd be better of going our own ways. I never meant it and wish I could take it back.

I returned home after not really seeing them for 3 months. I missed my kids soooo much during that time. My ex had told me she wanted to separate still but we were still living under the same roof, going to counselling, and at times acting like a family. We were still intimate with each other and she told me that "_deep down she didn't want to separate_" but "_didn't see any other way for us_". Our counsellor suggested a trial separation.

My ex has a friend, she's nice enough but is way overprotective and loves a drama. I'm pretty sure every time my ex confided in her she would reinforce her decision to leave. This friend doesn't have a family or relationship. Personally I think that's like going into McDonalds to ask for culinary advice. This friend doesn't really appreciate the struggles we were in. They definitely don't know my story, I'm not even sure my ex does. I bottled it up for so long.

I went to get some help from my GP when I got home, along with a psychologist they said i'd been suffering from depression caused by grief and adjustment. I had some therapy and some anti-depressants and feel a million times better, calmer, more rational etc.

Nevertheless, during the first month at home when we were still living together emotions were running high for sure. One day me and the ex would be in bed together the next discussing separation. This friend decided it would be a good idea one night to call the police and I got arrested for domestic/family violence. I have never ever abused my ex, sure we had some arguments but who doesn't. The night in question she had been cooking dinner for the kids and i was fixing the dishwasher. I smacked her on the bum with a spoon in the kitchen (I meant nothing by it) and then later when she wanted to leave the house and I wanted her to stay and help bath the kids we got into a bit of an argument. She did calm down and then we were laughing and joking in the bathroom with our 2 kids. She also accused me of deliberately popping party balloons left over from our daughters birthday to cause her shock. The last thing I said to her that night was "Goodnight" & "I love you" before going to sleep in a separate bedroom. 

I was honestly slightly traumatised getting pulled out of bed by the police. They were pretty supportive but I was still treated like a criminal. .Because I admitted smacking her on the bum with a spoon I got a restraining order put against me and now can't even go to my own house. This was 6 weeks ago. I feel like this was a ploy to get me out the house. I had told her I would move out but we should sort the kids & finances etc out first.

I went from seeing my kids every day to now 2 days a week. I had to move into a fully furnished apartment as I have literally a bag of clothes and that's it. I am seriously worried about our joint finances. I am still paying the mortgage on our family home from my savings but that can't continue for long.

Now lawyers etc are involved and it is all spiralling out of control very quickly.

I love my ex and my kids. All I ever wanted was a family :-(


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Would she go to relationship counseling?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Would she go to relationship counseling?


We went last year and things genuinely improved between us. Less miscommunication etc. When my Dad died this year I fell back into old habits as I was depressed and didn't talk to her about anything.

I would go to counselling now for sure but seeing as she got a lawyer involved I think that ship has sailed? She would have to want to go and I don't think she wants to save the relationship


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

tassiepom said:


> Hi,
> 
> I recently separated from my partner of 9 years, we are both 39 and have 2 beautiful girls together who are 2 & 4. Our relationship had been in a rut for a while, while there were no underlying issues (or at least I think not. e.g. cheating, abuse, drink/drugs etc) we had just started to neglect each other and we both felt unloved & unheard. We live on the other side of the world away from our families and the stress of parenting, working full time we drifted apart. Also in the last 2 years I lost my grandmother (who was like my mum to me) and then my father. Covid restrictions prevented me travelling to the first funeral and then my Dad's death got written off as Covid (pretty sure he died suddenly of a heart attack)
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM.
Your story confuses me a little bit. You call your wife your ex. Are you divorced now? It seems like separated?

And the friend, you said she’s a she? But is “overprotective” of your wife?

Just a quick jab here … you kind of went nuts and destroyed your marriage. Right? Am I reading this right?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> Your story confuses me a little bit. You call your wife your ex. Are you divorced now? It seems like separated?
> 
> And the friend, you said she’s a she? But is “overprotective” of your wife?
> ...


Sorry we are not married. Yes we are separated.

Yes my ex partners friend is female. She is overprotective and a bit of a drama queen. When my ex was pregnant she had this hysterical fit that she thought she had some kind of terminal illness. When my ex told her she was pregnant she flipped out saying "_why didn't you tell me_" it was literally early on in the pregnancy and hardly anyone knew. This friend also accused me of "t_rying to weasel my way back in_" when I got back from overseas. I was like its my family, it was distressing 

What do you mean "_went nuts and destroyed my marriage_"? 

Yep I was suffering from depression and wasn't the best version of myself but I didn't intentionally try and destroy anything


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

tassiepom said:


> Sorry we are not married. Yes we are separated.
> 
> Yes my ex partners friend is female. She is overprotective and a bit of a drama queen. When my ex was pregnant she had this hysterical fit that she thought she had some kind of terminal illness. When my ex told her she was pregnant she flipped out saying "_why didn't you tell me_" it was literally early on in the pregnancy and hardly anyone knew. This friend also accused me of "t_rying to weasel my way back in_" when I got back from overseas. I was like its my family, it was distressing
> 
> ...


I see, thanks for clarifying.
I have to admit that friend thing sounds a little off to me.
Was you SO having a relationship with her friend too?

So what now? Are you figuring out how to live alone or are you looking for ideas to get back with her or?
What do you want?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I see, thanks for clarifying.
> I have to admit that friend thing sounds a little off to me.
> Was you SO having a relationship with her friend too?
> 
> ...


Her friend is a 'little off' I personally think she is batshit crazy

Is my ex having a relationship with her? I don't know. The thought has crossed my mind though. No way of finding out really

What do I want? I want to work on my relationship. Family means everything to me. Do I admit things have been far from perfect, of course. I don't want things back the way they were, NO! I always strive for better. 

I would never stay long term in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids but it is a reason to really try. Our kids deserve 2 loving parents. If we actually gave each other some attention rather than focus on the kids 24/7 we probably wouldn't be here


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

tassiepom said:


> Her friend is a 'little off' I personally think she is batshit crazy
> 
> Is my ex having a relationship with her? I don't know. The thought has crossed my mind though. No way of finding out really
> 
> ...


In terms of your relationship with your ex, it looks like that ship might have sailed. And the ‘friend’ is making sure it stays that way.

You need to set up a good co-parenting plan, it sounds like you’re doing that now.

And you need to focus on being a better you. Don’t chase her. Live your life, focus on yourself. Go to the gym, put yourself out there, go on dates. Move on.

If your SO wants you at all, that’s when you will know it.

But if you’re doing the “pick me” dance, she won’t respect you and never come back.

To be honest, the friend has way to much influence (it sounds like) and will kill any thoughts of you in your ex’s head. Move on for your own sake.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tassiepom said:


> Hi,
> 
> I recently separated from my partner of 9 years, we are both 39 and have 2 beautiful girls together who are 2 & 4. Our relationship had been in a rut for a while, while there were no underlying issues (or at least I think not. e.g. cheating, abuse, drink/drugs etc) we had just started to neglect each other and we both felt unloved & unheard.......
> 
> ...





tassiepom said:


> ....I would go to counselling now for sure but seeing as she got a lawyer involved I think that ship has sailed? *She would have to want to go and I don't think she wants to save the relationship*





tassiepom said:


> Sorry we are not married. Yes we are separated.
> 
> ....Yep I was suffering from depression and wasn't the best version of myself but I didn't intentionally try and destroy anything


In my book the restraining order to bar you from your house and your kids is a red line in the sand.

If you did physically abuse her, you deserve it. If you didn't than your ex-wife and the mother of your children does not deserve any sympathy from you. Your kids should be fought for to make their lives good, but not your ex-wife.

Let the lawyers do their thing. I would not loose any sleep over a woman who doesn't stop a restraining order happening, provided your version of the story is correct.

Look for ways to protect your children from their mother who would do this to you.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> In my book the restraining order to bar you from your house and your kids is a red line in the sand.
> 
> If you did physically abuse her, you deserve it. If you didn't than your ex-wife and the mother of your children does not deserve any sympathy from you. Your kids should be fought for to make their lives good, but not your ex-wife.
> 
> ...


Yes I was angry when I was depressed and there is no-one more ashamed of my behaviour when I was depressed than me, I'm glad I figured out why that was. 

I have never ever physically abused my ex partner. I feel the events of what happened are a massive misunderstanding. She told her friend, it got taken out of context and before you know it....

The cops told me its not the first time its happened and it wont be the last


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tassiepom said:


> Yes I was angry when I was depressed and there is no-one more ashamed of my behaviour when I was depressed than me, I'm glad I figured out why that was.
> 
> I have never ever physically abused my ex partner. I feel the events of what happened are a massive misunderstanding. She told her friend, it got taken out of context and before you know it....
> 
> The cops told me its not the first time its happened and it wont be the last


Yes, but you get to decide if it is the last time it can ever be done to you. You can make it so it never happens again, by never being alone in the same location with your ex-wife. And based on what happened, I strongly suggest you take steps to never be anywhere near her.

By the way, you have probably been banned from purchasing firearms or possessing firearms.

Good luck to you.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> Yes, but you get to decide if it is the last time it can ever be done to you. You can make it so it never happens again, by never being alone in the same location with your ex-wife. And based on what happened, I strongly suggest you take steps to never be anywhere near her.
> 
> By the way, you have probably been banned from purchasing firearms or possessing firearms.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Sorry I get to decide if *what* is the last time it can ever be done to me? What can never happen again? I don't understand

I kind of need to be near her, we have two young children together. I have no intention of abandoning them. Whether I like it or not I have to have (some form) of a relationship with this woman for probably the next 18 years...maybe longer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tassiepom said:


> Sorry I get to decide if *what* is the last time it can ever be done to me? What can never happen again? I don't understand
> 
> I kind of need to be near her, we have two young children together. I have no intention of abandoning them. Whether I like it or not I have to have (some form) of a relationship with this woman for probably the next 18 years...maybe longer.


You don't have to ever be in the same place she is without a neutral 3rd party present. Yes, your children are important and yes, you should spend time with them, but in an earlier post you said, "......* I got a restraining order put against me and now can't even go to my own house* ......" What happened is that if you violated the restraining order, you can be arrested and end up in jail, which will not be financially good for you or your children. In such a situation it is best to play it safe and stay as far way from your ex-wife as possible, as she might call the police once more on you.

That is why you should stay away from the mother of your children, because she has no qualms about seeing you go to jail, even though that would not be in her children's best interest. She has allowed the "nuclear destruction card" to be played in your relationship.

Of course you have free will and can do anything you desire, including getting yourself arrested.

Good luck. And yes, "........ I get to decide if *what* is the last time it can ever be done to me........."


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

tassiepom said:


> Hi,
> 
> I recently separated from my partner of 9 years, we are both 39 and have 2 beautiful girls together who are 2 & 4. Our relationship had been in a rut for a while, while there were no underlying issues (or at least I think not. e.g. cheating, abuse, drink/drugs etc) we had just started to neglect each other and we both felt unloved & unheard. We live on the other side of the world away from our families and the stress of parenting, working full time we drifted apart. Also in the last 2 years I lost my grandmother (who was like my mum to me) and then my father. Covid restrictions prevented me travelling to the first funeral and then my Dad's death got written off as Covid (pretty sure he died suddenly of a heart attack)
> 
> ...


You said;* the stress of parenting, working full time we drifted apart. *
I`ve been there, having to parent, working long hours and not having any family support. Both myself and my wife have lost loved one`s over the last 10 to 5 years, yet we stuck it out and are still together. I`m sure many other couples have endured the same experiences and are still together. The idea being, you both strive for a few years to achieve a better life later on.
You and your partner have been together for 9 years and have 2 children. Any reasons you did not marry?
Rarely will wives walk out from a marriage knowing they`ll be worse off. Most will have a plan B, meaning either another guy or even a woman.
If a wife asks for a trial separation or some me time or claims she needs some space, it probably means she has an affair partner.
This happened to me with my first wife. After two kids and 7 years of marriage later I arrived home from home one evening and she`d gone with the kids, apparently to her parents. There was a note on the table that read, I`ve left you. Discovered my wife had an AP.
This so-called friend sounds somewhat suspect to me, is a heavy influence and way too close with your wife.
Put this to the test. If you and your partner do consider a reconciliation, tell her to call time on the friend because she is throwing spanners into your relationship. I wager she`ll choose the friend over you.
Who exactly initiated getting lawyers involved, you or your partner? Bet it was your partner.
I advise you visit a lawyer and obtain legal advice, if not your partner will screw you over, she`ll be awarded the home while you pay and child support and you`ll only be given visitation rights to your kids on your partner`s terms. It`s not a case of if, but rather, when.
Trust me on this one.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> You don't have to ever be in the same place she is without a neutral 3rd party present. Yes, your children are important and yes, you should spend time with them, but in an earlier post you said, "......* I got a restraining order put against me and now can't even go to my own house* ......" What happened is that if you violated the restraining order, you can be arrested and end up in jail, which will not be financially good for you or your children. In such a situation it is best to play it safe and stay as far way from your ex-wife as possible, as she might call the police once more on you.
> 
> That is why you should stay away from the mother of your children, because she has no qualms about seeing you go to jail, even though that would not be in her children's best interest. She has allowed the "nuclear destruction card" to be played in your relationship.
> 
> ...


I have no intention of going anywhere near her while the order is in place. It does allow certain conditions such as we are allowed to talk about the children and/or attend counselling or mediation. The type of order here in Australia is called a Police Family Violence Order (PVFO) its a civil matter not criminal (unless you breach it). A solicitor told me they hand them out like sweets and someone can make the most minor of claims to get one filed. The police always air on the side of caution

This was some information the solicitor gave me

*The justice system regularly deals with persons who make a complaint to police about their partner, but later decide that they want to know how to get domestic violence charges dropped.*

*Allegations are sometimes made out of spite, in anger, or due to a miscommunication. When the parties calm down and the dust settles, often both people want to reconcile but will still have the domestic violence offences pending in the Court. *


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Who exactly initiated getting lawyers involved, you or your partner? Bet it was your partner.


Yep, she initiated getting the lawyers involved not me


gameopoly5 said:


> I advise you visit a lawyer and obtain legal advice, if not your partner will screw you over, she`ll be awarded the home while you pay and child support and you`ll only be given visitation rights to your kids on your partner`s terms. It`s not a case of if, but rather, when.
> Trust me on this one.


She can keep the house as far as im concerned, she'll have to buy me out in the property settlement but I'm ok with that. The only thing I'm prepared to fight for is access to my children


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How was your childhood? Trying to understand where your anger is coming from.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> You and your partner have been together for 9 years and have 2 children. Any reasons you did not marry?


She was married before and told me pretty early on in our relationship she wasn't that keen again. I thought bringing 2 little people into the world was a bigger commitment than marriage. Maybe I was wrong. I was always keen to get married


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> How was your childhood? Trying to understand where your anger is coming from.


It was ok, I grew up without my father in my life regularly but my mum did a brilliant job of raising me and my brother

I went for some counselling after I admitted I probably was depressed. I had never associated depression with anger before but when I read this below I was stunned. This is me....









If You're Often Angry Or Irritable, You May Be Depressed


Physicians have been taught to look for signs of hopelessness, sadness and lack of motivation to help them diagnose depression. But anger as a depression symptom is less often noticed or addressed.




www.npr.org


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

tassiepom said:


> Yep, she initiated getting the lawyers involved not me
> 
> She can keep the house as far as im concerned, she'll have to buy me out in the property settlement but I'm ok with that. The only thing I'm prepared to fight for is access to my children


*Yep, she initiated getting the lawyers involved not me*
How do you think I knew that?
Don`t bet on she`ll have to buy you out in a property settlement, not when there are children involved.
I was a legal executive in the UK and conducted many divorce cases, So I know what I`m talking about.
Some years ago a male coworker`s wife filed for divorce. They had 2 young children together. The court ordered that his wife can remain in the house with their children and her husband still had to pay the mortgage.
As I advised, see a lawyer and obtain legal advice become you get screwed over.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Don`t bet on she`ll have to buy you out in a property settlement, not when there are children involved.
> As I advised, see a lawyer and obtain legal advice become you get screwed over.


I already have but I'm also getting a second opinion on Monday. It was a family law solicitor that told me she would have to buy me out if she wanted to stay in the house.

I want access to my children secured first, the property can come later


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> It was ok, I grew up without my father in my life regularly but my mum did a brilliant job of raising me and my brother
> 
> I went for some counselling after I admitted I probably was depressed. I had never associated depression with anger before but when I read this below I was stunned. This is me....
> 
> ...


Did you get depressed after the death of your father? Or were you depressed before that?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Did you get depressed after the death of your father? Or were you depressed before that?


Probably before but it definitely got worse this year. I lost my grandmother in March 2021 and couldn't travel to the funeral because of Covid. She was like my mother and helped raise both me and my brother while my mum worked. While she had a good long life not being able to say goodbye hit me hard. Then in Feb 2022 I lost my father. He was only 68 and dropped down dead in the street after being discharged from hospital and being told there was nothing wrong. Basically I feel like I lost both parents within a year


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> Probably before but it definitely got worse this year. I lost my grandmother in March 2021 and couldn't travel to the funeral because of Covid. She was like my mother and helped raise both me and my brother while my mum worked. While she had a good long life not being able to say goodbye hit me hard. Then in Feb 2022 I lost my father. He was only 68 and dropped down dead in the street after being discharged from hospital and being told there was nothing wrong. Basically I feel like I lost both parents within a year


It's never easy dealing with depression, also the people around you. It seems to me that your partner detached during your relationship. Anger is terrible. Even if you are not physical, it creates a very unsafe space, which can be frightening. I know, because I've been there. When trust leaves the relationship, it's usually over. I might have missed it... are you having individual therapy? It's a lot to deal with.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> It's never easy dealing with depression, also the people around you. It seems to me that your partner detached during your relationship. Anger is terrible. Even if you are not physical, it creates a very unsafe space, which can be frightening. I know, because I've been there. When trust leaves the relationship, it's usually over. I might have missed it... are you having individual therapy? It's a lot to deal with.


I think you hit the nail on the head. It did create an unsafe space and she told me that once during counselling last year and hearing the woman I love say that was one of the hardest things i've ever dealt with. There is no-one more ashamed of how I acted than me. I wish I'd dragged myself out of my hole sooner. There is alot of stigma with mental health and I thought if i admitted it she would perceive me as weak

I think we both detached. I wanted support from her when I needed it and she didn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with me plus 2 young kids.

Yes I've been having therapy....its helped...ALOT


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> I think you hit the nail on the head. It did create an unsafe space and she told me that once during counselling last year and hearing the woman I love say that was one of the hardest things i've ever dealt with. There is no-one more ashamed of how I acted than me. I wish I'd dragged myself out of my hole sooner. There is alot of stigma with mental health and I thought if i admitted it she would perceive me as weak
> 
> I think we both detached. I wanted support from her when I needed it and she didn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with me plus 2 young kids.
> 
> Yes I've been having therapy....its helped...ALOT


I have a somewhat similar story and it didn't end well. Yes, therapy helps a lot. Unfortunately, you can't wind the clock back. I wish I could too.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I have a somewhat similar story and it didn't end well. Yes, therapy helps a lot. Unfortunately, you can't wind the clock back. I wish I could too.


You mind saying what happened to you?


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

tassiepom - just saw your post and had a weird thought

I'm not a Poker player but -

She played her hand - you have a PVFO looking at you

I think you should trump her PVFO - begin all legal proceedings necessary to separate finances and living arrangements and get shared child custody determined legally.

Seems her head is somewhere the Sun never shines and you are not the one to help her at this time.

I'm guessing she has some issues of which you have yet to learn.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> You mind saying what happened to you?


My wife developed challenging mental issues (OCD and depression/anxiety), but she hid the seriousness from me. This after 3 kids. She wouldn't communicate with me (I found out later this is part of the illness), so I grew angrier and angrier (I have abandonment issues) and desperate. This drove a big wedge between us. I isolated myself, she obviously detached. She hated my anger, although it wasn't frequent at all and I was never physical, but I can see now how she was scared and how I created a fear environment. When the kids were older, she withdrew from our sexual relationship, so we are not together anymore. Basically, once she detached it was over.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> My wife developed challenging mental issues (OCD and depression/anxiety), but she hid the seriousness from me. This after 3 kids. She wouldn't communicate with me (I found out later this is part of the illness), so I grew angrier and angrier (I have abandonment issues) and desperate. This drove a big wedge between us. I isolated myself, she obviously detached. She hated my anger, although it wasn't frequent at all and I was never physical, but I can see now how she was scared and how I created a fear environment. When the kids were older, she withdrew from our sexual relationship, so we are not together anymore. Basically, once she detached it was over.


How long did this go on for? Did your wife seek help too?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Another thing that bothers me and I want to get off my chest is some of the circumstances of my ex's previous marriage and if there are any unresolved issues.

My ex's father died when she was in her 20's, he was wealthy and she his only daughter. She had told me early on in our relationship that she had got married to an older guy. To be honest I never dug too deep, everybody has made mistakes in past relationships....me included.

During our separation when we were still living together I found out that not only was he older, but 40 years her senior! Not only that he was also the lawyer responsible for her fathers estate. He had the keys to the purse so to speak. She said he 'groomed her' they ended up moving overseas to where we live now. She studied while he basically bummed about living off the inheritance. He eventually died. 

Financially, she thinks I want to roll her in this separation which is not true. I can't help thinking there is past trauma that is unresolved. Aside from that the circumstances are just weird. Why would a young 20 something woman marry a man 40 years older?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> How long did this go on for? Did your wife seek help too?


I wanted a divorce in 2008, but wife said she would go to therapy. She didn't, but we arranged regular sex and this lasted another 10 years, After which she dropped the bomb: no more sex. She had detached in those last 10 years, but she stayed "for the family". Of course, it was a shock to me. I had no idea. A total mess.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I wanted a divorce in 2008, but wife said she would go to therapy. She didn't, but we arranged regular sex and this lasted another 10 years, After which she dropped the bomb: no more sex. She had detached in those last 10 years, but she stayed "for the family". Of course, it was a shock to me. I had no idea. A total mess.


I told her I wanted to separate earlier in the year when we were having an argument, obviously I didn't mean it, but know I feel like she's pushing through with it just to be stubborn. It was an incredibly stressful time for me after the death of my father and I feel like she could have cut me some slack.

We had still been having sex while we were 'separated' almost right up until I moved out, that part of our relationship had no problems....or at least I didn't think so


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So if I’m reading correctly, you often wanted to divorce, but didn’t mean it?

I’m familiar with the Family Violence system and the follow ups after an intervention order: so you’re currently also seeing a psychologist, and have you been enrolled in a Men’s behaviour program? Have you been attending all your appointments and what has been the diagnosis from the people you’ve been in contact with AFTER the AVO was put in place?

You mention no physical abuse, but can you tell us more about the threats of separation? What types of things would you say in anger?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> So if I’m reading correctly, you often wanted to divorce, but didn’t mean it?


Yep I told her we should separate after a petty argument got a bit out of control in July. It was by email as I was overseas because my Dad died. I was pretty stressed out at the time 



Luckylucky said:


> I’m familiar with the Family Violence system and the follow ups after an intervention order: so you’re currently also seeing a psychologist, and have you been enrolled in a Men’s behaviour program? Have you been attending all your appointments and what has been the diagnosis from the people you’ve been in contact with AFTER the AVO was put in place?


I'm not seeing a psychologist because of the order. I was seeing him for help with depression well before it concerning dealing with the grief of loosing both parents within a year, I'm not in any Men's behaviour program because I'm not violent. When my psychologist learnt what had happened he was shocked. He does not think I am violent in any way shape or form



Luckylucky said:


> You mention no physical abuse, but can you tell us more about the threats of separation? What types of things would you say in anger?


I would have angry outbursts, often over nothing or something so minor it seems ludicrous now. I occasionally slammed a few doors and would swear. My irritability was off the scale. I never made any threats of separation. Most of this was earlier in the year or last year. We were apart for 3 months while I was overseas.

No-one is more ashamed of the hole I got myself into than me. I admit getting angry like that was unreasonable and it might sound silly but i'd get angry with myself for getting angry. Luckily it didn't take much for me to see that and coupled with sessions with the psychologist I'm pretty good.

In the very angry letter I got from her solicitor it says I was critical of her driving (I was, she almost caused a accident) and that I called her a ***** and a hardarse since I got home in August. The day in question she had said in front of the children "Mummy is acting like a B I T C H" (spelling it) I replied saying "yes you are acting like a *****". She got super pissed because it was in front of our 4yr old. Maybe she took hardarse the wrong way because English isn't her mother tounge but I didn't mean it as an insult


Read the below, it explains it perfectly. This was me









If You're Often Angry Or Irritable, You May Be Depressed


Physicians have been taught to look for signs of hopelessness, sadness and lack of motivation to help them diagnose depression. But anger as a depression symptom is less often noticed or addressed.




www.npr.org


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm angry at myself too. But I was stressed out because of life - 3 little kids, wife acting strangely and denying there was anything wrong, work. It's a lot. I got angry at life, but also because I felt rejected, again, after a very depressing childhood, with a violent father and a very cold, emotionless mother. I was stuck and I could not believe it was happening to me. I was in a foreign country, with no family or friends around me. I got it terribly wrong, but it is what it is. I cannot repair it now so I have to leave with guilt and regret for the rest of my life.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I'm angry at myself too. But I was stressed out because of life - 3 little kids, wife acting strangely and denying there was anything wrong, work. It's a lot. I got angry at life, but also because I felt rejected, again, after a very depressing childhood, with a violent father and a very cold, emotionless mother. I was stuck and I could not believe it was happening to me. I was in a foreign country, with no family or friends around me. I got it terribly wrong, but it is what it is. I cannot repair it now so I have to leave with guilt and regret for the rest of my life.


Yep I can empathise with that. It was the same for us, we live overseas with no family and as soon as we had kids our relationship went south. No time for each other. I always believed your partner should be the most important person not the kids. If they see a loving relationship they will just feed off it.

I have guilt that I could have done things alot better too and while it takes 2 to tango it only takes one person to stop dancing (a counsellor told me that and I love it) I am 50% responsible for 100% of the problem and my ex had her share of problems too. She would avoid conflict or any kind of disagreement like the plague and bottle it all up until it would all come out at once;


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tassiepom said:


> Yep I can empathise with that. It was the same for us, we live overseas with no family and as soon as we had kids our relationship went south. No time for each other. I always believed your partner should be the most important person not the kids. If they see a loving relationship they will just feed off it.
> 
> I have guilt that I could have done things alot better too and while it takes 2 to tango it only takes one person to stop dancing (a counsellor told me that and I love it) I am 50% responsible for 100% of the problem and my ex had her share of problems too. She would avoid conflict or any kind of disagreement like the plague and bottle it all up until it would all come out at once;


Yeah, my wife kindly apportioned blame one day... 50/50... lol. I think this is quite spot on, though. She would also not saying anything at all and I was supposed to read her mind. But that's her illness. I should have looked after her, not getting angry with her, but this is a character flaw of mine.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

But much of that anger you describe is aggressive. 

So nothing was recommended during the court proceedings??? Are the children also now protected persons under the order? What type or orders are in place now?


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> But much of that anger you describe is aggressive.


Yes unfortunately it was. But I never made any threats towards my ex-partner or children. My anger was infrequent in nature. Its not like it happened every day



Luckylucky said:


> So nothing was recommended during the court proceedings??? Are the children also now protected persons under the order? What type or orders are in place now?


There are no court proceedings. No the children are not protected. A PFVO is in place, it is a civil matter not criminal


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm in Aus too OP, as is LuckyLucky, my bestie is also married to a cop. They had no choice but to arrest you and put that order in place. He told me they always know when its bs and they hate doing it, but under the law they have no choice. That should be the line in the sand for you, that your ex actually allowed that to happen is bloody disgraceful.

I'm a hard arse on this one, but I'm going to say it. Mental Health being used as a reason for cruel behaviour gives me the absolute ****s. It's NOT ok at ALL. You are 100% responsible for everything you said and did during that time. Depression sucks the life out of everyone around the person who has it. It's often harder on them than the person themselves. I've been on the receiving end of it too many times and I sure as **** won't tolerate it anymore.

If you really didn't want to separate, you shouldn't have said it.

She is done. All you can do now is secure an equitable custody agreement for the kids and the property settlement.


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> I'm in Aus too OP, as is LuckyLucky, my bestie is also married to a cop. They had no choice but to arrest you and put that order in place. He told me they always know when its bs and they hate doing it, but under the law they have no choice. That should be the line in the sand for you, that your ex actually allowed that to happen is bloody disgraceful.
> 
> I'm a hard arse on this one, but I'm going to say it. Mental Health being used as a reason for cruel behaviour gives me the absolute **s. It's NOT ok at ALL. You are 100$% responsible for everything you said and did during that time. Depression sucks the life out of everyone around the person who has it. It's often harder on them than the person themselves. I've been on the receiving end of it too many times and I sure as ** won't tolerate it anymore.
> 
> ...


You're right they did have no choice and I don't begrudge them in the slightest for doing it (the police). They actually offered me an apology, more than once

You're also right that poor mental health is absolutely no reason for cruel behaviour. I'm not excusing my actions in the slightest and no-one is more ashamed of it than me. All I can say is I'd never been 'depressed' before, not like that. Loosing 2 people so close to me in reasonably quick succession and feeling like my partner didn't give a **** put me in a big hole. I should've dragged myself out sooner. I own my behaviour and will have to live with it.

Again I shouldn't have said what I did but people sometimes say things they don't mean. Its illegal to drive a car after drinking. It should be illegal for a man to operate an email account at 4am in the morning when he's having a disagreement with his partner and been working 12-18hr days / 7 days a week for 2 months. Again I can't take it back so I'll own it


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> I'm a hard arse on this one,


I'm glad someone else doesn't think this is rude either. The letter I got from her lawyer said I insulted her by calling her a hard arse. If I recall I wanted to take my 4yr old away for the night to visit family but it was "too disruptive"


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## tassiepom (2 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> and I sure as **** won't tolerate it anymore.


To be honest I wish she hadn't either. I definitely needed calling out on it. This might still be reasonably raw but I can objectively see one of our major problems (aside from poor communication) was that we kinda bumbled through our relationship without setting good boundaries. Her as well as me.


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## Timithy Dean (2 d ago)

tassiepom said:


> Hi,
> 
> I recently separated from my partner of 9 years, we are both 39 and have 2 beautiful girls together who are 2 & 4. Our relationship had been in a rut for a while, while there were no underlying issues (or at least I think not. e.g. cheating, abuse, drink/drugs etc) we had just started to neglect each other and we both felt unloved & unheard. We live on the other side of the world away from our families and the stress of parenting, working full time we drifted apart. Also in the last 2 years I lost my grandmother (who was like my mum to me) and then my father. Covid restrictions prevented me travelling to the first funeral and then my Dad's death got written off as Covid (pretty sure he died suddenly of a heart attack)
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're going through that. I feel your pain. I just posted a rough explanation of my situation. It's nice to know you're not alone. Hope things are going a little better since the post.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

tassiepom said:


> I'm glad someone else doesn't think this is rude either. The letter I got from her lawyer said I insulted her by calling her a hard arse. If I recall I wanted to take my 4yr old away for the night to visit family but it was "too disruptive"


This is HER going along with this to make things look WORSE. Realize that she had this planned with her friend to get you out of the house and get things looking better on her side (since you are an abuser). This is planned because she went and got lawyers involved right away.
You need to realize that she is NOT your friend and will try to take you for everything she can...


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