# NG starting to Man Up



## kirby32 (Feb 21, 2011)

Hello everyone. First post, so a bit of background. 

I'm married w kids. Came here originally trying to find a solution to my wife’s lack of interest in sex. However, instead of learning how to fix my wife I learned that I was the cause of my own unhappiness.

I studied Manning Up. I got a copy of Dr. Glover’s book and it described me almost perfectly. I’m re-reading the book now and working through the Breaking Free activities.

A few weeks ago my wife did s*** tested me and for the first time I saw it for what it was. It opened my eyes to what they were and looking back I could see that I had been failing these tests for years. It was an epiphany moment. Felt like my blinders were finally taken off.

I confronted her and let her know I was tired of being the nice guy that got walked over. I was going to be more assertive and make my life what I wanted. After that we had a few nights of talks where we both got things off our chest. 

It’s been almost a month so far and things are going well. My attitude is much better. “Confident, happy, fun to be around” is my phrase to repeat to myself. I’ve been working out and eating better (5 lbs lost so far). I have been assertive and vocal instead of silent and frustrated.

I still have a long way to go. I still find myself waiting for her to notice me and other NG issues occasionally. I correct myself and try harder each time I do catch myself.

My biggest issue at this point is trust. I’ve always been an optimist. Trust everyone completely. Believe everyone follows the golden rule. When the blinders came off I finally realized that people are selfish and that I could not trust them as I had. Call it a loss of faith in the goodness of people. I am working to learn to trust my judgment of people again.

Between this lack of trust and reading about all the affairs on these boards has me paranoid about my wife and an affair. I am 100% certain she has not and will not have one, but I keep having panic attacks where I feel I cannot trust her. Little stupid things set it off. I keep it to myself and have not let on about this. I believe it is just something I have to work out.

I can’t thank the members here enough in getting me to the help I needed. Those giving advice and those seeking it all contribute to the fountain of knowledge that TAM provides.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Kirby,

If she does something stupid like that, it will hurt.

Yet, she will be pissing all over the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, use some of that "optimism" you've wasted on others where it belongs - on yourself.

That little voice inside that seeks her approval? Approve of yourself! Nothing will be more sexy to her than that.

Trust me.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Kirby,

I can share my experience so far for your perspective. I too am probably into this for a month also. My first attempts were very poorly managed. By the 3rd week I really started to find a groove with working out and just doing things I wanted. I received a positive response after passing a test within the first week, but then things died down fairly quickly. My W even began pulling back also and this was gonna be a battle of wills, yesterday she broke and asked to talk. It was very productive and for the first time wasn't emotional and mature about the whole thing. I catch myself also waiting for her to notice but then I realize that is me still seeking approval so I have a long way to go. I also realize that I've been this way for 8 years or so in our 10 year marriage so it is gonna take a while for her to notice and more importantly believe that I have changed. I was actually looking forward to some tests so that I could pass them but there hasn't been many at all. I think since I had a emotional blow-up over this back in Nov. my W is not herself yet as she is walking on eggshells not to upset me anymore. I went through a whole phase of insecurity too that something might be up, but never found anything and have just stopped looking with confidence in myself that if she wants to do that it is her loss and I would them move on and find someone else who will make me happy. For me I still know my W is afraid to upset because I was an emotional wreck (a child) so until she believes she can be herself again and I can prove I will no longer get upset like in the past will she then see the Man i will become.

Keep moving in the right direction and like others have said at least you will be a better person for it.

Good luck
Bill


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Kirby....and Bill too, for good measure..

Stop worrying about things u can't control. Your wife could be giving u all the attention u need, but still be having an affair. There's no way to control that. Worrying about it is your nice guy. And its going to bleed through into your interactions with your wife...she will sense your lack of confidence no matter how hard u try to hide it.

Remember what MEM and Conrad told you. You have her...but she has U. Be the strongest person you can be, and remember that you are worthy enough to be with her. Act like you are worthy. Hell! Have that confidence that she's lucky to have a husband like you! Puff up that mane and roar like the confident man you are!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mr.miketastic said:


> The whole problem I see with the nice guy thins, is that in my case, I feel like I was slowly conditioned over time to be that way. My W has had some issues with guilt-tripping, some pretty heavy passive-aggressiveness and using sex and anger to get her way.
> Over some number of years, I started putting myself last just to keep the peace. Giving in because otherwise would put me in the doghouse for a wile. Just to give an example. She is still carrying a grudge against some girls from high school and still will do anything to jab at them, even after 25 years. She has treated me this way as well by using sex and anger to manipulate.
> 
> Anyway, after getting conditioned or "trained" as some like to waggishly put it, to be the nice guy, the "trainer" gets buyer's remorse and blames the "trainee" for being such a doormat and acts accordingly. This is bullcrap. Put a stop to it. I understand love is something difficult to give up, but it might be better to be alone and happy, than in love and miserable.


Mike,

Was it to "keep the peace"?

Or were you secretly hoping to "get a piece"?

Believe me, they can tell the difference.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Mike,
> 
> Was it to "keep the peace"?
> 
> ...


Spot on!

I was keeping the peace to get a piece! Ironically, I didn't get many pieces and then my pie went to some other guy's plate.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kirby,
My 48 years experience are very consistent. If you treat people fairly AND demand they do the same, mostly they behave very well. It is only when you act like a doormat that you bring out the worst in folks and that is your own responsibility. 

Glad you are here.



kirby32 said:


> Hello everyone. First post, so a bit of background.
> 
> I'm married w kids. Came here originally trying to find a solution to my wife’s lack of interest in sex. However, instead of learning how to fix my wife I learned that I was the cause of my own unhappiness.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*suggestion*

Bill,
Next time you do something in front of your W - anything - that you think you didn't handle as well as you could have try this:
You: I don't like how I handled that. Next time I plan to do X instead. Does that seem right to you?
W: Sure
You: I need you to know, if you see me doing something you think I could do "better" I want you to love me enough to be willing to give me constructive feedback. And I will do the same for you. 

This may make her more comfortable being open with you. 




bill2011 said:


> Kirby,
> 
> I can share my experience so far for your perspective. I too am probably into this for a month also. My first attempts were very poorly managed. By the 3rd week I really started to find a groove with working out and just doing things I wanted. I received a positive response after passing a test within the first week, but then things died down fairly quickly. My W even began pulling back also and this was gonna be a battle of wills, yesterday she broke and asked to talk. It was very productive and for the first time wasn't emotional and mature about the whole thing. I catch myself also waiting for her to notice but then I realize that is me still seeking approval so I have a long way to go. I also realize that I've been this way for 8 years or so in our 10 year marriage so it is gonna take a while for her to notice and more importantly believe that I have changed. I was actually looking forward to some tests so that I could pass them but there hasn't been many at all. I think since I had a emotional blow-up over this back in Nov. my W is not herself yet as she is walking on eggshells not to upset me anymore. I went through a whole phase of insecurity too that something might be up, but never found anything and have just stopped looking with confidence in myself that if she wants to do that it is her loss and I would them move on and find someone else who will make me happy. For me I still know my W is afraid to upset because I was an emotional wreck (a child) so until she believes she can be herself again and I can prove I will no longer get upset like in the past will she then see the Man i will become.
> 
> ...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> My biggest issue at this point is trust. I’ve always been an optimist. Trust everyone completely. Believe everyone follows the golden rule. When the blinders came off I finally realized that people are selfish and that I could not trust them as I had. Call it a loss of faith in the goodness of people. I am working to learn to trust my judgment of people again.


When I was a kid on the streets years ago, I once came up with this quote, that "It's not who you trust, it's what you trust them to do". What I mean by that is that you simply can't trust anyone's word, you can only attempt to gauge their integrity once they have proven themselves, let them earn it - small tests. Some people can be also trusted with one thing, yet not another, etc etc. 

Nonetheless, when you do get betrayed, and lose out a lot - make yourself realise that in the end you were naive, foolish, and too trusting. Make yourself realise that in the end you allowed it to happen, then make steps to remedy your own weakness. However, this does not mean not trusting anyone ever again - it's all about taking responsibility for one's own mistake, learning from it, and moving on despite it.

To be honest, legit life is not so much different after I left the old life behind. Same old politics, same old patterns; for if people can get away with something they will - emotions such as guilt or principles/morals can limit what people can do - but that's your job as a person to gauge what you can trust them to do.

Being an optimist is good, but you have to be realist too.


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Mem,

I like that, thanks. Good way to show confidence in myself. I think as time goes by she will see that I can handle things and I will be able to respond correctly. Still learning but I'm on my way.


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## kirby32 (Feb 21, 2011)

Thanks for the encouragement. 

I've been reading through bill's thread a few times. He seems to be just a month or two ahead of me in the questions and issues that are coming up. It's been very helpful to watch his progress unfold in the thread.

One issue that has been fueling my anxiety is an event that is coming up in a few weeks. A guy she dated is coming back to town to perform at a public event we are attending. Another good friend is also performing, so no getting out of the event. We will be there with hundreds of others including at least a dozen friends. 

She was so excited when she told me he was going to be performing I got immediately jealous (I held it in and kept calm). It's been a good while since I'd seen her that excited when she talks about things we do together. (Seeking her approval, I know...)

The insecure part of me keeps thinking "How do I compete with a guy up there performing when I'm just an average Joe in the crowd". I've been working to replace these thoughts with ones of confidence. I'm determined to walk into that place fully confident in myself and have a good time.


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## kirby32 (Feb 21, 2011)

I wanted to come back and give an update to my previous posts. 

The event that was causing all my worry was last week and I did awesome. The whole week before it I focused on being positive and expecting to have a good time. I looked up some of her friends stuff on youtube and even chatted with her about it during the week prior. Went with the idea of "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The more I learned about him the more human and less intimidating he was.

Night of the event I was confident and in good spirits. I got out of my shell and chatted with a ton of people including the guy I was so worried about. He was actually pretty decent. My fears were completely unfounded.

Proving to myself that I could overcome my fears has been a big boost for me. I'm ready to tackle whatever comes next.

Thanks again for the advice and encouragement.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

kirby32 said:


> I wanted to come back and give an update to my previous posts.
> 
> The event that was causing all my worry was last week and I did awesome. The whole week before it I focused on being positive and expecting to have a good time. I looked up some of her friends stuff on youtube and even chatted with her about it during the week prior. Went with the idea of "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The more I learned about him the more human and less intimidating he was.
> 
> ...


Kirby,

Great job.

Stay the course.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Welcome to the journey my friend. My biggest advice would be to do whatever you have to do to be comfortable in your own skin. Don't let anything she does get to you to the point that it throws you off course. That's one thing you can control. When she realizes she doesn't have her claws in you anymore, the sh*t tests will instantly fail and you'll gain some respect in her eyes.

I'd also suggest you not share with her specific steps of your journey. This is for YOU, and contrary to popular belief, many won't don't like to have a bunch of "talks about us." And by just doing instead of briefing her on it, you'll maintain that air of mystery that women love and will keep her guessing. Definitely sexy qualities to have.

I have a few e-books on generating and building sexual tension if you're interested. These books break down the whole manning up journey and will inspire the hell out of you. PM if you're interested and I'll shoot them your way.


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