# Is this really happening..



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Like many of you, I am facing a separation.. Or a divorce. Not sure which at this point. I have been reading through the forums for the past few weeks, and finally decided to put on my brave "face" and post something. My story is similar to many others on here, so I will try to keep it simple. (As if anything is simple these days..)

My husband informed me several weeks ago that he no longer feels committed to our marriage, or our family. He was deep in a depression, and struggling with anxiety during this time, so I was assuming that he was just in a dark place. I agreed to give him some time, and space most of all, and proceeded to back off.

Within 2 weeks he had decided that he was moving out on his own, and going to "clear his head" by doing what he wants, whenever he wants. We tried MC once, and when we were set to return the following week he blew it off, stating that there was no point since he still felt like leaving.

We have been together 7 years, married for 1. Over the years he has had several "breaks" in which he has up and left, and ended up returning when he realized the grass is never greener on the other side. Once or twice there was an OW involved, once or twice there was not. This time, I have no real confirmation, other than a plane ticket to visit "family friends". All of the signs point to OW, especially the entire moving out situation.

Anyways, he has lived on my couch for the past few weeks as he tries to find a place of his own. We have a child together so he stays with her during the days I'm at work, and I go home to her at night. 

When we are in the house together, things are good. Sometimes, almost normal. Like yesterday, we had a perfectly lazy Sunday, relaxing and playing outside. Normal, family stuff. Something that gives me false hopes, and something that he KNOWS gives me those hopes. I've always been firm about "if you really don't want to be here, get out". But this time he hasn't gone running out the door.. yet.

It seems as if he's hanging around while he gets everything in order to leave. I wish it was because he was unsure, but I can't keep fooling myself. I've already gone through the intense, multiple week grieving period in which every thought, word or action made me cry uncontrollably.

I am settling into a new "normal" in which I have begun the 180 with the help of TAM. I'm sure it's new to him, because in the past I have been the begging, stalking, crazy woman when this happens. This time, I'm trying to be strong. I know that when we got married, I told him if he ever decided to leave, I'd be done. I'm trying to find that inner strength to follow through on that.

I know he always comes back, so it's hard for me to swallow that I have to be the one to call it quits, for real this time. I feel like the bad guy, even though he's the one choosing to give up on our marriage.

I have found a TON of great advice and support in all of the posts here, and I figured now would be a good time to join. I'm sure it could be healthy for me to hear the cold hard truth, because many around me seem to sugar coat things, or tell me to just get on with it.

My problem.. I am not ready to give up on this man. I understand we've had a rough history, but there is something undeniable that has always brought us back to each other in time. And whatever that "something" is, I know it's still here somewhere.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Like many of you, I am facing a separation.. Or a divorce. Not sure which at this point. I have been reading through the forums for the past few weeks, and finally decided to put on my brave "face" and post something. My story is similar to many others on here, so I will try to keep it simple. (As if anything is simple these days..)
> 
> My husband informed me several weeks ago that he no longer feels committed to our marriage, or our family. He was deep in a depression, and struggling with anxiety during this time, so I was assuming that he was just in a dark place. I agreed to give him some time, and space most of all, and proceeded to back off.
> 
> ...


Your story is similar to mine and my STBXW's. 

You say you aren't ready to give up on him, and that the "something" that always brings you back together is still there - I thought like this to begin with. In all honesty, there comes a point when it's either not there, or even if it is, you have to let it go - it's difficult and I'm struggling to myself, so I understand.

But, sadly, it has to be done. Do what's right for you.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Your story is similar to mine and my STBXW's.
> 
> You say you aren't ready to give up on him, and that the "something" that always brings you back together is still there - I thought like this to begin with. In all honesty, there comes a point when it's either not there, or even if it is, you have to let it go - it's difficult and I'm struggling to myself, so I understand.
> 
> But, sadly, it has to be done. Do what's right for you.


I was actually just reading your thread, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I have spent a lot of time thinking and re-thinking all of this, but I'm not getting very far.. Even once he moves out on his own we will still see each other twice a day because of our daughter. I know this will prevent me from moving forward, but at this point it is the only option.

NC would probably be the best way for me to gather my thoughts and move on, but since we can't do that, I'm hoping the 180 will help. So far, he has been a little nicer, and has even asked about my day at work (which NEVER happens).

My husband has been having another rough week, struggling with his anxiety..and while I want to believe it's because he might be realizing he's making a bad decision, I have a feeling he's just stressed on the details of his "own" life. I just hate that he seems so wrapped up in this possible POSOW, and has begun changing his style of music, how he talks/texts, etc..

Ugh. I just can't stand not being able to understand (does that make sense?)


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I was actually just reading your thread, I'm sorry you're going through this too. I have spent a lot of time thinking and re-thinking all of this, but I'm not getting very far.. Even once he moves out on his own we will still see each other twice a day because of our daughter. I know this will prevent me from moving forward, but at this point it is the only option.
> 
> NC would probably be the best way for me to gather my thoughts and move on, but since we can't do that, I'm hoping the 180 will help. So far, he has been a little nicer, and has even asked about my day at work (which NEVER happens).
> 
> ...


Whilst NC is not an option, once he moves you can communicate only when it's regarding your daughter, this will help.

The changes you're seeing in him could well be the result of a POSOW - Some people (myself included for a while) are chameleons, and they will change to please people drastically. I believe your husband may well be one of these. One day he'll learn that this is not the way to live, like I have.

As far as not being able to understand, I totally get this. I tried to rationalise everything, look for meaning in everything and apply logic to the situation when my wife left. It took me a while to realise, but the heart is irrational, emotions are irrational, you can't understand what doesn't make sense. It's best to stop trying to understand, you'll drive yourself crazy and you'll end up making yourself ill.

I did this, I wasn't able to sleep, or eat anything for weeks, I lost loads of weight too, but now I don't look for reasons or explanations, and my appetite is back, and I am sleeping better (still not great, but much improved.)

I hope things get better for you.

TAM has your back


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Whilst NC is not an option, once he moves you can communicate only when it's regarding your daughter, this will help.
> 
> The changes you're seeing in him could well be the result of a POSOW - Some people (myself included for a while) are chameleons, and they will change to please people drastically. I believe your husband may well be one of these. One day he'll learn that this is not the way to live, like I have.
> 
> ...


He's definitely a chameleon, I've known that since we met. He was a totally different person on the phone and via text messages, and once we actually started dating I had to back off for a while because he was so different in person. I can't help but wonder if he's setting himself up for failure with this OW by going to see her.. Or maybe I'm hoping he will fail, because it would hurt less.

I'm a total controller, so not having any control over my own life has thrown me into a tailspin. I have barely slept, been sick constantly, and lost 10lbs in a month. I have recently begun sleeping and eating a bit better, but not much. I'm just afraid that I will completely regress the day he actually moves out.

I have tried to back away, knowing in my heart that I can't do anything about him, or his actions. I can let him run his course while I work to improve my own. But at the end of the day, I still want him.

As for NC other than our daughter, I'm sure that's how it will be. He has given me all of these false hopes of talking daily and still seeing each other, "dating" essentially.. But I know his history, and once he's out the door, I become a zero.. until the next best thing blows over and he's got nobody again.

I'm tired of being his plan B..


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> He's definitely a chameleon, I've known that since we met. He was a totally different person on the phone and via text messages, and once we actually started dating I had to back off for a while because he was so different in person. I can't help but wonder if he's setting himself up for failure with this OW by going to see her.. Or maybe I'm hoping he will fail, because it would hurt less.
> 
> I'm a total controller, so not having any control over my own life has thrown me into a tailspin. I have barely slept, been sick constantly, and lost 10lbs in a month. I have recently begun sleeping and eating a bit better, but not much. I'm just afraid that I will completely regress the day he actually moves out.
> 
> ...


Chameleons are also controllers, they shift their personality to get the desired outcome from different people. I was a controller, but there are some things in life that are beyond your control. It's difficult but the more you practice it the easier it becomes, like anything in life.

If you are tired of being his plan B, simply stop being his plan B. He can't have you as a plan B if you don't allow him to.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> If you are tired of being his plan B, simply stop being his plan B. He can't have you as a plan B if you don't allow him to.


Sounds simple enough.. I've thought about trying to "win" him over again, but that sounded stupid, so I've just continued being a "good wife", with a newly discovered cold shoulder. I still do many of the things I used to, cooking, cleaning, checking in with him randomly..but I don't do any of it lovingly anymore. I know the obvious answer here would be to let him move out, file for divorce, and continue on with my life as my own plan A.. But why is that so hard?

I don't want to file, this wasn't my idea. I've seen many posts say that if you file, this may bring them back to their senses, but in my case, it would just give him more room to roam.

I guess I can't really make sense of any of this, so I'm grasping at straws at this point. Whenever he gets his own place, I guess I'll just have to see what happens before I make my next move. I know my true husband is in there somewhere, and I also know that it's too soon to truly give up on him.

If he isn't committed, and wants to leave so badly, why hasn't he gone already? And why hasn't he already filed..? These are the things that make me question the situation, and give me false hopes..


----------



## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> As far as not being able to understand, I totally get this. I tried to rationalise everything, look for meaning in everything and apply logic to the situation when my wife left. It took me a while to realise, but the heart is irrational, emotions are irrational, you can't understand what doesn't make sense. It's best to stop trying to understand, you'll drive yourself crazy and you'll end up making yourself ill.
> 
> I did this, I wasn't able to sleep, or eat anything for weeks, I lost loads of weight too, but now I don't look for reasons or explanations, and my appetite is back, and I am sleeping better (still not great, but much improved.)
> 
> ...


I agree with WWB on this. Going over the possibilites and trying to read into everything while holding onto hope, that's torture. I've lost around 20 myself, down to 167, so that's the one good thing to come out of this. 

But you absolutely have to focus on yourself and your daughter and try not to think about him or at least don't entertain the thought of things getting better.

I am still working on that myself but it's making things easier. Like WWB I'm sleeping better, my appetite is kind of returning and I feel my confidence rise. It's hard to face things you can't control sometimes but we will all come out of this just fine.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The fact that this is not the first time is not good.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

oviid said:


> I agree with WWB on this. Going over the possibilites and trying to read into everything while holding onto hope, that's torture. I've lost around 20 myself, down to 167, so that's the one good thing to come out of this.
> 
> But you absolutely have to focus on yourself and your daughter and try not to think about him or at least don't entertain the thought of things getting better.
> 
> I am still working on that myself but it's making things easier. Like WWB I'm sleeping better, my appetite is kind of returning and I feel my confidence rise. It's hard to face things you can't control sometimes but we will all come out of this just fine.


:smthumbup: The weight loss is about the only positive that I've found so far, but no complaints! (Except I'm HUNGRY!)

I try to tell myself not to imagine things getting better, that I will refuse to let them. But it creeps into my brain sometimes. I am definitely trying to stop torturing myself, but when he acts like the "perfect" husband these days, it's hard! It's annoying that he can be so good to me now, with all of this going on.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> The fact that this is not the first time is not good.


Agreed. This is the first time since we've been married, and I know I've probably forgiven it too many times already. I've always kind of considered him a drifter, he gets depressed and needs a boost..and since I've forgiven it in the past, maybe that allows him to do it again. I take partial responsibility.

Since being married, we've even had discussions about him running out the door, and I've thanked him for making it through some tough times without leaving to cope. He agreed that splitting up wouldn't solve anything. He told me the last time he left that he hates trying to start his life over, and that we would tough it out from now on, and sadly, I believed it.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I try to tell myself not to imagine things getting better, that I will refuse to let them.


Thoughts like this will hinder your recovery from this - try your best to imagine things getting better, and you have to let them, or you'll be stuck feeling like this indefinitely.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Thoughts like this will hinder your recovery from this - try your best to imagine things getting better, and you have to let them, or you'll be stuck feeling like this indefinitely.
> 
> I wouldn't wish that on anyone.


Oh I am imagining things getting better, for me.. Just not between the two of us. I keep that hope to a minimum, while I try to remain focused on my life. 

Aside from being a mom, I work full time and am finishing up college full time..So it's not like I don't have plenty to keep myself busy. Funny, he even told me that we're going in 2 different directions..apparently I'm too ambitious and successful for him.

Ah, I like recalling things that make me mad. It helps


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Oh I am imagining things getting better, for me.. Just not between the two of us. I keep that hope to a minimum, while I try to remain focused on my life.
> 
> Aside from being a mom, I work full time and am finishing up college full time..So it's not like I don't have plenty to keep myself busy. Funny, he even told me that we're going in 2 different directions..apparently I'm too ambitious and successful for him.
> 
> Ah, I like recalling things that make me mad. It helps


Ah, I misunderstood your post! 

Recalling things that made you mad is always good fuel - I use it quite often.

Sounds to me like he perceives your success and intelligence as a threat to his masculinity.


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I havent seen in any of your many posts what he doesnt like about you. 

Maybe its not yet too late. Tell us more.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> My problem.. I am not ready to give up on this man. I understand we've had a rough history, but there is something undeniable that has always brought us back to each other in time. And whatever that "something" is, I know it's still here somewhere.


The status quo for marriage is that you are always together. You need to change that statement.

“There is something undeniable in that he’s not really in the marriage and often leaves for affairs and other unknown reasons.”

There is nothing good or romantic about the fact that he uses you as his backup plan between other women and constant failed attempts to find himself. 

The best thing you could do right now is to see an attorney and get your plan for divorce in order.
Let him know that if he leaves this time, there is no coming back to you. Don’t tell him that you have a divorce ready to file but just that if he leaves HE, not you, is ending the relationship.

Then on the day he leaves, have him served with divorce papers.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose something to save it.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

accept1 said:


> I havent seen in any of your many posts what he doesnt like about you.
> 
> Maybe its not yet too late. Tell us more.


It's funny that you asked this. We actually just had a semi-decent conversation about what is actually going through his mind.

After he took a huge step and told me he had decided to go stay with family as of the 1st, he started telling me that he realized he was truly afraid of me, and my reactions. In the past, I have had unfavorable reactions to his actions and words, even when they weren't that serious. (As in, serial texting and freaking out if he went out with friends). I have my own insecurities, and his past indiscretions have fueled those.

Rather than jump all over him, I let him talk. He has realized now that he is scared of what I may do or say. It has put him in a "safe zone" in which he feels like retreating is the only way to manage his fear and anxiety. He has also decided to start IC to try and decipher some of his anxiety ridden thoughts.

Whether it helps my M or not, I am all for him getting some help. I have watched anxiety wipe out the man I once knew, and put him in less than favorable positions more than once.

As for the OW. Maybe I jumped the gun, maybe not. I'll let that rest for now, as I'm doing my best to be supportive of his recent breakthrough.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> It's funny that you asked this. We actually just had a semi-decent conversation about what is actually going through his mind.
> 
> After he took a huge step and told me he had decided to go stay with family as of the 1st, he started telling me that he realized he was truly afraid of me, and my reactions. In the past, I have had unfavorable reactions to his actions and words, even when they weren't that serious. (As in, serial texting and freaking out if he went out with friends). I have my own insecurities, and his past indiscretions have fueled those.
> 
> ...


I suffer from anxiety, it can really cripple who you are, I lost myself to it. Working on getting him back and doing well. Hopefully your H will be able to do the same .


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I suffer from anxiety, it can really cripple who you are, I lost myself to it. Working on getting him back and doing well. Hopefully your H will be able to do the same .


I sure hope so! Good luck to you 

I suffer as well, but nowhere near as badly. I guess that my experience always made me minimize what he's actually going through, which just worsened his fear towards me. He feels like I don't understand, and I use it against him.

He also says it was a relief to tell me that he's moving out on the 1st, which is partially why he's been suffering so much lately. Not sure how I feel about that one.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are not willing to end the marriage, then you are at his mercy. 

The only person you can change/fix is yourself. So put your energies on yourself. Work to be the best you can be.

He will do whatever he will do.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are not willing to end the marriage, then you are at his mercy.
> 
> The only person you can change/fix is yourself. So put your energies on yourself. Work to be the best you can be.
> 
> He will do whatever he will do.


I am willing to end the marriage at some point, but on my own terms. I do not believe that we have exhausted all of our options at this point. When we got married, we technically started "fresh", as dumb as that sounds. So rather than rely on past indiscretions, I am trying to treat this as an entirely new situation.

As for now, I am focusing as best I can on my daughter, my job, and my education. I have a full plate, and along with my normal routine, I am looking into IC as well as going back to training at the gym. I am definitely out to better myself, even if it doesn't save my M.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I am willing to end the marriage at some point, but on my own terms. I do not believe that we have exhausted all of our options at this point. When we got married, we technically started "fresh", as dumb as that sounds. So rather than rely on past indiscretions, I am trying to treat this as an entirely new situation.
> 
> As for now, I am focusing as best I can on my daughter, my job, and my education. I have a full plate, and along with my normal routine, I am looking into IC as well as going back to training at the gym. I am definitely out to better myself, even if it doesn't save my M.


I'm not so sure that I could ignore past indiscretions, after all the past is what gets us to where we are today!

It's good to hear that you're making all of these changes to better yourself for you, and not to save your marriage. The only way these changes will stick is if you change for yourself.

It took me a while to learn that, but I'm getting there!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'm not so sure that I could ignore past indiscretions, after all the past is what gets us to where we are today!
> 
> It's good to hear that you're making all of these changes to better yourself for you, and not to save your marriage. The only way these changes will stick is if you change for yourself.
> 
> It took me a while to learn that, but I'm getting there!


Over time I have come to learn a lot about my H, his tendencies, and what makes him tick. I don't want to sound as if I am making excuses for him, because there are some things I'd never consider doing myself, and even things I always swore would be unforgivable.

He is a "runner" by nature, he was taught his entire life to run from problems. I can't vouch for what he does when he runs, but I can say that it has helped us bridge many tough conversations. It has definitely made me question his commitment, but over time I have come to see that this is just who he is.

The only part that has gotten me through the past is making moves toward the future. I am all about family, and sometimes I may forgive things that most people wouldn't. From the outside I'm sure it sounds bad, but I do what I believe to be right, in my own heart.

I've obviously set myself up for a pattern here, and can only hope that by staying supportive I may be around when (if) the pattern ever breaks.

I have decided to see how things play out through the holidays, if he actually attends IC and MC like he has told me. Our living arrangement leaves much to be desired, but we still communicate (better than before) and he has hopes that he can recover the man that was lost in this anxiety problem.

What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment  I know I could be setting myself up for major heartbreak in another few months, but if I continue working on myself, I can come out of this knowing I did all I could for him, as well as our M. No regrets, that's my motto.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Over time I have come to learn a lot about my H, his tendencies, and what makes him tick. I don't want to sound as if I am making excuses for him, because there are some things I'd never consider doing myself, and even things I always swore would be unforgivable.
> 
> He is a "runner" by nature, he was taught his entire life to run from problems. I can't vouch for what he does when he runs, but I can say that it has helped us bridge many tough conversations. It has definitely made me question his commitment, but over time I have come to see that this is just who he is.
> 
> ...


It's important to have no regrets. Heartbreaks heal over time, regrets stay with you for life. I totally agree with this.

But.... Don't use "no regrets" as an excuse to keep tormenting yourself - I've done this with my STBXW, I thought I'd given up on her a couple of times, but then this little voice in the back of my head said "What if you regret it?" and then I second guess myself.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's important to have no regrets. Heartbreaks heal over time, regrets stay with you for life. I totally agree with this.
> 
> But.... Don't use "no regrets" as an excuse to keep tormenting yourself - I've done this with my STBXW, I thought I'd given up on her a couple of times, but then this little voice in the back of my head said "What if you regret it?" and then I second guess myself.


Ugh, I know it can be a slippery slope. Up until last week I had never even considered giving up, and only am now because I've just about had it. I know it's becoming too much for me to handle, and I just about had a mental breakdown.

I've told myself repeatedly that this is it. He gets one chance, no more letting him slip or get away with words without actions. If he cannot step up in the next 2 months, I have to cut myself loose. I'm choosing to wait until after the holidays for personal reasons, but it seemed to be a good timeline in general.

I cannot stand anymore of this back and forth. I think I've reached my limit. If this one last chance doesn't resolve things, I'm going to move forward, without him. You're right, I cannot keep tormenting myself. I definitely don't want regrets, but I know I will end up resentful if this pattern doesn't break.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Ugh, I know it can be a slippery slope. Up until last week I had never even considered giving up, and only am now because I've just about had it. I know it's becoming too much for me to handle, and I just about had a mental breakdown.
> 
> I've told myself repeatedly that this is it. He gets one chance, no more letting him slip or get away with words without actions. If he cannot step up in the next 2 months, I have to cut myself loose. I'm choosing to wait until after the holidays for personal reasons, but it seemed to be a good timeline in general.
> 
> I cannot stand anymore of this back and forth. I think I've reached my limit. If this one last chance doesn't resolve things, I'm going to move forward, without him. You're right, I cannot keep tormenting myself. I definitely don't want regrets, but I know I will end up resentful if this pattern doesn't break.


I thought I had reached my limit several times, but then given time and space, I've got back on to that slope.

Resentment will kill your relationship anyway, and all your hurt will have been for nothing, and will happen again.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I thought I had reached my limit several times, but then given time and space, I've got back on to that slope.
> 
> Resentment will kill your relationship anyway, and all your hurt will have been for nothing, and will happen again.


True. I may be setting myself up for failure here, but as long as I'm aware of it, I have no one to blame but myself next time, right..? :scratchhead:

I feel kind of stupid, honestly. After all this time, I should be able to tell truth from lies, no? I'm putting a lot of faith into this man, mainly because I haven't always done so. I'm just hoping that it proves to be worthwhile.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> True. I may be setting myself up for failure here, but as long as I'm aware of it, I have no one to blame but myself next time, right..? :scratchhead:
> 
> I feel kind of stupid, honestly. After all this time, I should be able to tell truth from lies, no? I'm putting a lot of faith into this man, mainly because I haven't always done so. I'm just hoping that it proves to be worthwhile.


You may be setting yourself up for failure, yes, and you would have no one to blame but yourself. The alternative is to not put yourself in that position, that way you avoid the hurt and self-loathing.

It's natural to believe in the ones you love, that's why I haven't been able to fully let my STBXW go yet.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> You may be setting yourself up for failure, yes, and you would have no one to blame but yourself. The alternative is to not put yourself in that position, that way you avoid the hurt and self-loathing.
> 
> It's natural to believe in the ones you love, that's why I haven't been able to fully let my STBXW go yet.


I think I'll just follow your lead, and stay in the middle of my tunnel for now as well. I'm not at a point to even want to decide to hold on or let go. I've decided to stay in-between for now, and see what happens.

I'm looking for follow through on his part, which isn't his strong suit. He's not committing to a decision either way, R or D, so I think we're stuck at a crossroads until we can see each other clearly.

But I'm holding firm on my 2 month timeline. I cannot imagine being in limbo for any longer than that, and even that amount of time isn't guaranteed. At any given time, I know I have the ability, and the right, to walk away on my own. Easier said than done though, huh?


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I think I'll just follow your lead, and stay in the middle of my tunnel for now as well. I'm not at a point to even want to decide to hold on or let go. I've decided to stay in-between for now, and see what happens.
> 
> I'm looking for follow through on his part, which isn't his strong suit. He's not committing to a decision either way, R or D, so I think we're stuck at a crossroads until we can see each other clearly.
> 
> But I'm holding firm on my 2 month timeline. I cannot imagine being in limbo for any longer than that, and even that amount of time isn't guaranteed. At any given time, I know I have the ability, and the right, to walk away on my own. Easier said than done though, huh?


I'm sat in the middle, and my STBXW is at the entrance, encouraging me to move forward, to move further away from her. I'm not stuck in-between per se, it's more like I'm refusing to move.

Limbo is not an easy place to be, I've been there before a few years ago, I was there at the start of this separation when she was "confused" and "didn't know what she wanted". I'm on the outskirts of that Limbo again right now, but I'm also refusing to enter it. I don't think I can handle that place again.

It is easier said than done, but you do have the right to move forward.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'm sat in the middle, and my STBXW is at the entrance, encouraging me to move forward, to move further away from her. I'm not stuck in-between per se, it's more like I'm refusing to move.
> 
> Limbo is not an easy place to be, I've been there before a few years ago, I was there at the start of this separation when she was "confused" and "didn't know what she wanted". I'm on the outskirts of that Limbo again right now, but I'm also refusing to enter it. I don't think I can handle that place again.
> 
> It is easier said than done, but you do have the right to move forward.


I don't blame you for refusing to move. Much better than me, I keep doing circles, going one way and then the other.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I don't blame you for refusing to move. Much better than me, I keep doing circles, going one way and then the other.


I took a step back in to Limbo yesterday. It terrified me. Last night/this morning I was all for fighting for my marriage, but I realised what it will do to me. I'll just end up being hurt all over again. I can't deal with that, nor should I have to.

I think it's time to continue down my tunnel.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I took a step back in to Limbo yesterday. It terrified me. Last night/this morning I was all for fighting for my marriage, but I realised what it will do to me. I'll just end up being hurt all over again. I can't deal with that, nor should I have to.
> 
> I think it's time to continue down my tunnel.


I was catching up on your thread earlier, and saw that you were going back and forth. It was already too far in to comment, you had stepped in, and back out by the time I caught up.

:smthumbup: Continuing down your tunnel is a great step, and I know your confidence will continue building up as you go. I don't blame you for sliding back into Limbo momentarily, as I can see that your W was pulling your strings. 

You exhibit great strength, and a lot of love. Even though she may not deserve it, you still have a lot of love for that woman. She should feel lucky, and be willing to do anything to protect that. I know you are on a path forward now, and it's probably best for you... But I also wish a little tiny bit, that your W would wake up, and realize what she's giving up. If you make it to the other end of your tunnel alone, I know great things will be there waiting for you 

I'm all the way back in Limbo, without a doubt. My H had another anxiety breakdown (or something..) yesterday, and wound up taking a walk to calm himself. His anxiety has taken him over, and I'm scared. It seems like he's grasping at straws, reasons for his anxiety, things to blame.. A week ago it was me, and my reactions. Then yesterday it was our home, simple as that. He denied that it's the people in the home, just simply our home (which is amazing, and we both loved it until last month..)

I asked him if we moved would it help, and he said he doesn't know. He just doesn't want to be in the home. Last week it was that he wanted to LEAVE the home, and the people.

So I'm torn. Lost. Confused. Worried that one of these days he's just going to up and disappear. I HATE limbo.

So I decided to protect my assets (save money..in case he flips out and files D). I'm going to an IC soon, and continuing SLOWLY through my tunnel. Unless he gets some serious help, his end of the tunnel will be dark soon.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I was catching up on your thread earlier, and saw that you were going back and forth. It was already too far in to comment, you had stepped in, and back out by the time I caught up.
> 
> :smthumbup: Continuing down your tunnel is a great step, and I know your confidence will continue building up as you go. I don't blame you for sliding back into Limbo momentarily, as I can see that your W was pulling your strings.
> 
> ...


She was indeed pulling my strings. Once those strings are severed, it'll only get easier. I know this path is best for me now, but I guess in a way I do still kinda wish she'd wake up too. I don't have as much love for her as I used to, which is something I realised yesterday. I started seeing the woman I fell for in her again, and I'm scared that I will end up feeling for her the way I did. I've never felt anything as amazing as what I felt for her. The future I had in my mind for us is gone, and that's sad, I wanted her to be the mother of my children, but I'm realising that I still can have a future in which I'm happy and in love, I just don't think it can be with her.

The middle of the tunnel is no longer a comfortable place to sit.

I'm sorry that you're stuck in Limbo - I know how hard it is to be there. In the past I have suffered from anxiety attacks, for irrational reasons. I now have medication to control my anxiety levels though, which has been an absolute godsend throughout all of this. Is your H on any medication?

It sounds to me like your H is unsure of what he wants, to begin with I went through this with my W - and it's so frustrating knowing that there is nothing you can do to help them decide. They have to reach that decision on their own. As a "rescuer" this is a huge thing to try and understand.

The two core emotions that humans experience are fear and love. Every other emotion is born from them. That is why you are torn, lost, confused & worried. You love him, and at the moment, that makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability breeds fear.

Protecting yourself financially is a very wise move, as is going to IC. My IC does wonders. Is your H going to IC?


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> She was indeed pulling my strings. Once those strings are severed, it'll only get easier. I know this path is best for me now, but I guess in a way I do still kinda wish she'd wake up too. I don't have as much love for her as I used to, which is something I realised yesterday. I started seeing the woman I fell for in her again, and I'm scared that I will end up feeling for her the way I did. I've never felt anything as amazing as what I felt for her. The future I had in my mind for us is gone, and that's sad, I wanted her to be the mother of my children, but I'm realising that I still can have a future in which I'm happy and in love, I just don't think it can be with her.
> 
> The middle of the tunnel is no longer a comfortable place to sit.
> 
> ...


She's starting to remind me of H. He is so manipulative sometimes, and knows exactly what to do to get me where he wants me. I totally get what you're saying, as I feel the same about my marriage. I've never known something as amazing as this feeling (well, how it used to feel anyway), and I'm afraid I never will know it again.

I'm beginning to feel resentment towards H. He is still living in my house, and we are getting along well. But there are small changes in his behavior and his "grooming" that I've begun to notice. His "trip" is in 3 weeks, which is when he'll be visiting this "friend". I'm pretty sure I know exactly what will happen between them, and it's making me sick.

I'm sick of being in limbo, sick of hanging on, sick of wondering what will happen. My stupid heart keeps telling me he's just going on a trip, trying to convince me that I'm over thinking it. My stupid heart is also telling me that once he's back, he'll get over the "grass is greener" mentality and start working on us. He says we'll go back to MC next month, so I'm starting to believe he's using a "free pass" on his trip.... and just wondering if he'll re-focus once he returns, or just give me up totally.

I want to give him up by then. I want to be strong. I'm sick of being sick. But I can't find my strength to let go completely. Still stuck in the tunnel.

He hasn't made any appointment with an IC, although he "says" he called and left messages. I'm going to make an appointment for myself, and see if I can work through my weaknesses before we try returning to MC. Maybe I'll get to a point where I refuse to go, because I'm done trying.

I can't continue to be vulnerable, exposing every ounce of my being to this torture. Some days I believe he is just suffering mentally from his depression and anxiety, but others it seems as if he's just playing me for a fool, while he goes on with his "secret" life.

This SUCKS!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> She's starting to remind me of H. He is so manipulative sometimes, and knows exactly what to do to get me where he wants me. I totally get what you're saying, as I feel the same about my marriage. I've never known something as amazing as this feeling (well, how it used to feel anyway), and I'm afraid I never will know it again.
> 
> I'm beginning to feel resentment towards H. He is still living in my house, and we are getting along well. But there are small changes in his behavior and his "grooming" that I've begun to notice. His "trip" is in 3 weeks, which is when he'll be visiting this "friend". I'm pretty sure I know exactly what will happen between them, and it's making me sick.
> 
> ...


You'll know that feeling again one day, trust me. Just as I will .

The resentment you are feeling for your H will kill your love for him, this could make things easier. At first you will be sad because you never thought you could feel that way towards him, but in time that sadness will pass, and you'll be left either angry, or empty. Either of those you can draw strength from.

It's extremely difficult to find the strength to let go completely. I think that I have let go completely, but that could change, as it has done a few times already. You will find that strength though when you are ready, and when the time is right, and not a moment sooner. If it's what you want, I hope that moment comes quickly for you. If it's not what you want, then it will never come.

Could you perhaps book a session of IC on his behalf? I don't know if you can do that with IC?

For you to become vulnerable to someone, you need to trust that they won't hurt you. It sounds to me like you don't have that trust in your H. I too am unable to be vulnerable any longer, I can't trust anyone right now.

Whilst depression & anxiety is an illness that can be fixed, it consumes who we are, makes us in to someone we don't like, and because we don't like ourself, we punish ourselves by sinking further in to depression, and the cycle goes on and on. Most of the time, people with depression don't know that they are suffering with it, because mentally you feel worthless, and like it's deserved, and that somehow you've brought the way you are feeling on yourself.

On the flip side - do you really want to hang around and be his plan B? He clearly doesn't have his priorities straight. You could be focusing your energy on you, and then eventually someone that deserves you, because you truly deserve better.

That someone could be a completely new man, or it could be your H sometime in the future. It can't be the man he is now though.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He has left before for OW. He is a cheater, he is immature and has no respect for you. File for divorce.


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> He has left before for OW. He is a cheater, he is immature and has no respect for you. File for divorce.


And what is just as bad? When you forgive the cheater and they continue to treat you with no value or respect because you forgave a cheater!

Hear hear 3x!

Slap him with the papers!


----------



## toomuchtimetothink (Oct 27, 2013)

I too am in the same situation. My husband and I have been married just over one year but been together for over 12. We have 2 young kids and he decided that he had enough and that he is being suffocated and leaving. He made me out to be the "bad wife" and that he could never please me but turns out as the weeks and days pass that there is another women. She kicked out her fiance and my husband has moved in with her now. He is rarely around for our kids and I have had to pull up my socks and take on everything on my own. He is around but not for long and not in the way that I need/want him to be. Im sorry that this is happening to you but know that you are not alone in all this and that there are other ppl out there (like myself) that need ppl to talk to about our situation. My friends are absolutely amazing and helpful but they all still go home to their family and husband. Im here for you!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

How are you doing CB1? .


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> How are you doing CB1? .


Ugh. Still in the middle of my tunnel, and digging my feet in.

I spent most of the weekend with my friends (a couple) and their friend (a single dad), and the kids. We did a bunch of fun stuff together, which in turn made H jealous I guess. He actually came and slept beside me one night, once I was asleep already. Interesting surprise when I woke up.. Eh.

Spent a day together just as a family, had a ton of fun, and had friends over for pumpkin carving. A nice, "normal" weekend. Then come Monday, I get blasted all over his FB, pictures changed, horrible songs with cruel lyrics posted, etc...

I guess checking in together over the weekend on FB might have made the OW mad or something, who knows. Anyway, I told him his FB drama doesn't phase me, and went out to spend some time with the friend of my friends. It's nice to have someone who understands what I'm going through!

Long story short, he's still "moving" this weekend, going on his trip to see OW in a few weeks, and I'm just doing my thing. Family, work, school, friends. He's yo-yo'ing back and forth, and cannot figure out why I'm standing firm in one spot, refusing to play this game.. 

I'm not quite at a point where I'm ready to run out and file the papers, but it feels like I'm getting closer. I'm over the high school drama, and the games. And I'm definitely tired of feeling like he's answering to the OW, which makes ME feel like the OW. Ugh.

How are you WWB? I'm heading to your thread to catch up


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

toomuchtimetothink said:


> I too am in the same situation. My husband and I have been married just over one year but been together for over 12. We have 2 young kids and he decided that he had enough and that he is being suffocated and leaving. He made me out to be the "bad wife" and that he could never please me but turns out as the weeks and days pass that there is another women. She kicked out her fiance and my husband has moved in with her now. He is rarely around for our kids and I have had to pull up my socks and take on everything on my own. He is around but not for long and not in the way that I need/want him to be. Im sorry that this is happening to you but know that you are not alone in all this and that there are other ppl out there (like myself) that need ppl to talk to about our situation. My friends are absolutely amazing and helpful but they all still go home to their family and husband. Im here for you!!


I'm so sorry you (and so many) are also going through this. I pulled up my big girl panties in the past week, and I'm doing what I've got to do. It's amazing how shallow and dim these men can be, and my only hope is that karma finds all of them one day!

Thank you for being here, as I am for you  It's nice to be surrounded by people who understand!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> He has left before for OW. He is a cheater, he is immature and has no respect for you. File for divorce.





2galsmom said:


> And what is just as bad? When you forgive the cheater and they continue to treat you with no value or respect because you forgave a cheater!
> 
> Hear hear 3x!
> 
> Slap him with the papers!


At first, I thought these were harsh. But really, it's just what I need to hear


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> *Long story short, he's still "moving" this weekend,* going on his trip to see OW in a few weeks, and I'm just doing my thing. Family, work, school, friends. He's yo-yo'ing back and forth, and cannot figure out why I'm standing firm in one spot, refusing to play this game..


GOOD!! Be sure to tell him that the door only swings one way! BYE!!!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Ugh. Still in the middle of my tunnel, and digging my feet in.
> 
> I spent most of the weekend with my friends (a couple) and their friend (a single dad), and the kids. We did a bunch of fun stuff together, which in turn made H jealous I guess. He actually came and slept beside me one night, once I was asleep already. Interesting surprise when I woke up.. Eh.
> 
> ...


It does sound to me like he was jealous that you were able to have a nice weekend without him. I think that him coming in to sleep next to you was probably some kind of head game, like "Hey, I'm still here, don't you dare forget about me". My W did something similar on Saturday I think. She saw on FB that I was going out, so Saturday morning started contacting me saying how she felt miserable and how hard her life was right now.

It would probably do you good if you blocked him on FB - then you wouldn't have to see any of the hurtful posts, but more importantly, he wouldn't be able to see any of yours either. I say that but I haven't blocked my STBXW yet - but I have unfriended her. She blocked me for a while, but I guess she unblocked me to keep tabs.

He can't figure out why you aren't budging because it's new to him, in the past you let him walk all over you, now you aren't doing it he's confused. Again, similar to me.

I'm glad you're feeling like you're getting closer to filing - I haven't filed yet and I don't know if I will because I didn't want my M to end. Plus, when she left she said she'd pay for all of the divorce costs, so I'm going to let her .


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It does sound to me like he was jealous that you were able to have a nice weekend without him. I think that him coming in to sleep next to you was probably some kind of head game, like "Hey, I'm still here, don't you dare forget about me". My W did something similar on Saturday I think. She saw on FB that I was going out, so Saturday morning started contacting me saying how she felt miserable and how hard her life was right now.
> 
> It would probably do you good if you blocked him on FB - then you wouldn't have to see any of the hurtful posts, but more importantly, he wouldn't be able to see any of yours either. I say that but I haven't blocked my STBXW yet - but I have unfriended her. She blocked me for a while, but I guess she unblocked me to keep tabs.
> 
> ...


He can keep his head games, and little reminders. I enjoyed my weekend, with and without him. I didn't look too far into any of the time I spent with him, and didn't mention any of the little things he did that made my heart melt.

I'm taking the "I don't give a ****" approach from here on out. I know he wants to double back and make sure I'm still hanging by his thread, but I'm not. I cut it. I refuse to be a puppet, and I'd much rather sit back and watch him play his game alone!

As for filing, I never said I'd be paying  I would make him pay for it, as he is the one who has been living on my couch saving all his money, while I pay the bills, etc.

I've already decided in my brain how our R will play out..And yes, I'm sure somewhere it's giving me false hopes, but I know this man, and know that this won't last. So when the day comes, whenever it may be..I plan on letting him beg, and questioning if he's ready to fight for our M... And while he does that, I'll continue with my new lifestyle, and see how it feels. Revenge is probably not the best route, but the thought of it helps me get through the days! :rofl:


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> He can keep his head games, and little reminders. I enjoyed my weekend, with and without him. I didn't look too far into any of the time I spent with him, and didn't mention any of the little things he did that made my heart melt.
> 
> I'm taking the "I don't give a ****" approach from here on out. I know he wants to double back and make sure I'm still hanging by his thread, but I'm not. I cut it. I refuse to be a puppet, and I'd much rather sit back and watch him play his game alone!
> 
> ...


The head games are just so exhausting. When your H moves you'll be free of them, or at least you'll have more choice in the matter. I got sick of the head games, which has led me to where I am now. I just don't get why they need to play games. Why can't they just say whatever it is that they feel, it would make life so much easier.

The "I don't give a ****" approach is a good place to be, don't give a **** about anyone apart from you and what's important for you. That's the approach I'm taking, and honestly, I'm enjoying my life a lot more.

Hehe, don't pay! Let the person that wanted this pay. I'm not paying a penny towards my D, and if she demands it, I guess we won't be getting that D for a while .

I've also played out every possible R scenario, it does give you false hopes, but you can't help but play it out can you? It's just one of those things you have to do. I guess it's all part of the "denial" stage. Whilst I accept what has happened, my brain does still wander to thoughts of R sometimes. It used to make me happy thinking about R, now it makes me sad because I know I'm just torturing myself.

The best revenge is living well, but the trick with revenge is, you need to do it without the motive to get back at someone, if you live well, and do so naturally, he will notice and he will regret it majorly.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> The head games are just so exhausting. When your H moves you'll be free of them, or at least you'll have more choice in the matter. I got sick of the head games, which has led me to where I am now. I just don't get why they need to play games. Why can't they just say whatever it is that they feel, it would make life so much easier.
> 
> The "I don't give a ****" approach is a good place to be, don't give a **** about anyone apart from you and what's important for you. That's the approach I'm taking, and honestly, I'm enjoying my life a lot more.
> 
> ...


This is so true. Right now, little parts of me just want to see him suffer..But as a whole, I am definitely just trying to improve my life for myself and my daughter.

As for the D, and maybe an R.. He's still sticking to this "I just need space for a little while" speech, and not making anything final. Uh huh, just need space to go do your thing, and expect to leave me hanging? Uh, no. I told him last night that my priorities are myself and my daughter, and that our marriage has fallen off that list. He told me, well that M is a big maybe anyway. Hmm. Ok, if you say so. M is becoming a thing of the past, I'm not willing to salvage it if he's going to keep destroying it!

He still won't admit to anything, keeps justifying things, and blah blah. I didn't actually even mean to have a conversation with him last night, but he was being so disrespectful something slipped out. I mentioned something about him giving the best side of him to someone else, which spurred on this whole defensive conversation of how he'd never do that.

Well, if you'd tear our family apart, I'm sure cheating wouldn't be too far down the list. 

Anyways, I'm still doing ok. Reading your posts gives me hope, because I see you making forward progress, even if you have a bad day or two. I am hoping to keep going through my tunnel soon here, the middle is getting a little dark and chilly!

Looking forward to going out for Halloween with my little one, and some friends. Maybe even the single dad  Nothing beyond a friendship there, but still nice to have someone to talk to, and it doesn't hurt that he flirts a bit :smthumbup:

In no way am I ready to move on to another person, and I know this. I've even made it clear to him. But a little ego boost now and then has helped a lot! I've spent way too much time under my rock (marriage lol), and have lost a lot of self-esteem along the way.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> This is so true. Right now, little parts of me just want to see him suffer..But as a whole, I am definitely just trying to improve my life for myself and my daughter.
> 
> As for the D, and maybe an R.. He's still sticking to this "I just need space for a little while" speech, and not making anything final. Uh huh, just need space to go do your thing, and expect to leave me hanging? Uh, no. I told him last night that my priorities are myself and my daughter, and that our marriage has fallen off that list. He told me, well that M is a big maybe anyway. Hmm. Ok, if you say so. M is becoming a thing of the past, I'm not willing to salvage it if he's going to keep destroying it!
> 
> ...


No harm in a little playful flirting  My single mother friend is like that!

At the moment he seems to be fence sitting & cake-eating. There will come a point when you will no longer allow it, or he'll get off the fence. All in good time.

I'm in no way ready to move on either, but I am starting to really miss the physical aspect of being in a relationship. I have opportunity, but I'm not ready to act on that. Particularly as I don't like meaningless sex, which is what it would be to me. I also have to consider the other persons emotions/feelings about it all.

I lost a lot of self-esteem in my M too, and I never had much to begin with, I am getting it back though .


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> No harm in a little playful flirting  My single mother friend is like that!
> 
> At the moment he seems to be fence sitting & cake-eating. There will come a point when you will no longer allow it, or he'll get off the fence. All in good time.
> 
> ...


You're definitely right, he is comfortable sitting on the fence, and trying to cake-eat but I'm onto that game. He's more than welcome to sit on that fence as long as he wants, I'll just walk away so there's no one to catch him on one side of it! :rofl:

The problem here is that we've been through these rough spots before, and I've always forgiven him. So he's assuming that the door will remain open, and I'm fighting like crazy to close it this one last time. Part of me keeps thinking that I just need to get through this period of time, and things will straighten out. But the other part of me DOESN'T WANT THEM TOO!!!!

I can totally agree about the physical aspects. I mean, I love a little harmless flirting, and feeling good about myself. But I too miss the rest of the "relationship", although I was doing ok with it until he came to sleep by my side the other night. Now, I miss it with a vengeance. I'm against meaningless sex as well, and even worry that some sort of physical contact (in a non-sexual way) would give another person the wrong idea. I don't want to be rushed into anything.

So maybe I'll get a cat. They like to cuddle!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> You're definitely right, he is comfortable sitting on the fence, and trying to cake-eat but I'm onto that game. He's more than welcome to sit on that fence as long as he wants, I'll just walk away so there's no one to catch him on one side of it! :rofl:
> 
> The problem here is that we've been through these rough spots before, and I've always forgiven him. So he's assuming that the door will remain open, and I'm fighting like crazy to close it this one last time. Part of me keeps thinking that I just need to get through this period of time, and things will straighten out. But the other part of me DOESN'T WANT THEM TOO!!!!
> 
> ...


You should dig a massive trench on your side too, so he has further to fall .

Me and my STBXW had a rough patch like this once, and separated for a while. In hindsight, I should have let it go then, but I begged and pleaded and then gave up, and fought to win her back by being her friend. She fell back in love with me and we resumed our relationship.

Yeah, I don't like the thought that my actions could give someone the wrong idea - I don't want to inadvertently hurt people.

Cats are awesome, I have two. Four before STBXW left hehe.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

How are you doing CB1?


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> How are you doing CB1?


I think I'm doing ok.. Today is our one year anniversary, and we had a nice weekend, a decent talk, and a sweet message this morning to wish me a happy anniversary while I was at work.

I had a spa evening booked previously for Saturday night so we decided to go. I've been suffering from kidney stones for two weeks, and he's been a big help around the house so we were on good terms. It was a nice night, massages and a hot tub. Plus we were in the city where we had our first date 7 years ago (we married on our dating anniversary). There was some physical affection (hugging, light kisses) and a great drive home. All in all, it was a blast.

Once we got home we went to a friends house and I had a few drinks. Eventually this turned me into an emotional wreck, and I laid it out to him. I told him I was tired of waiting, and I either want to be married or be done. I let him know that I no longer had any fight left in me, and it was all about moving forward, with him or without him. I also told him that all I had ever wanted was to be his wife, and it breaks my heart not knowing where I stand. He hugged me and kissed me and told me that he love me, and that I'm still very much his wife. That he just needed time to sort things out in his head. I then told him again that it's all or nothing, stay or leave.. And that I was tired of sleeping on the couches in the living room.. He then went in and made our bed, and we've been sleeping together again for the past two nights.

I would say that I'm happy, but I'm a bit scared.. I guess even though I was hoping for this, I wasn't really prepared. I'm scared that I'll be hurt again. We're headed back to counseling in the next few weeks, and he's potentially canceling his trip so that he can be here for me because of my medical situation. He's explained to me that this trip means nothing, and that I created a situation and problem by assuming things. 

So hopefully, we're on a good path.. But I'm still protecting myself.

How about you? I was just catching up on your thread, and saw that your W wanted to meet up, but backed off a bit again. How are things going? How are you doing with all of that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I think I'm doing ok.. Today is our one year anniversary, and we had a nice weekend, a decent talk, and a sweet message this morning to wish me a happy anniversary while I was at work.
> 
> I had a spa evening booked previously for Saturday night so we decided to go. I've been suffering from kidney stones for two weeks, and he's been a big help around the house so we were on good terms. It was a nice night, massages and a hot tub. Plus we were in the city where we had our first date 7 years ago (we married on our dating anniversary). There was some physical affection (hugging, light kisses) and a great drive home. All in all, it was a blast.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you've had an eventful time . I'm happy things are improving for you!

It's natural to be scared, that's just you protecting yourself. When me and my W discussed R, I was scared! I know for a fact that she's scared, and that's what's stopping her from R. I hope your medical situation improves soon, kidney stones are incredibly painful.

I'm doing ok I think - although squarely back in the middle of limbo, and I don't like it. I can feel myself trying to find a way out today. Starting to feel angry at the way I'm being treated, left hanging on and only spoken to when it suits her. Sucks because I love her, and I want to do everything I can to see if this is salvageable, but I don't want to cause myself any more pain or anxiety, and at the moment, I am.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Sounds like you've had an eventful time . I'm happy things are improving for you!
> 
> It's natural to be scared, that's just you protecting yourself. When me and my W discussed R, I was scared! I know for a fact that she's scared, and that's what's stopping her from R. I hope your medical situation improves soon, kidney stones are incredibly painful.
> 
> I'm doing ok I think - although squarely back in the middle of limbo, and I don't like it. I can feel myself trying to find a way out today. Starting to feel angry at the way I'm being treated, left hanging on and only spoken to when it suits her. Sucks because I love her, and I want to do everything I can to see if this is salvageable, but I don't want to cause myself any more pain or anxiety, and at the moment, I am.


Thanks, this is definitely the MOST painful experience ever (aside from the last two months of my life living in limbo!).

Things are staying consistent so far, yet it has only been a few days. Night 3 sharing the same bed last night, there's just something about it that makes me wake up smiling. Like for those few hours, all is right in my life. Weird, I know lol.

I'm sorry you're back in limbo, but I know you've got it under control. You've shown incredible strength already, so I have faith that you'll pull yourself back out of it soon. Toying with the idea of R is definitely a roller coaster, and I can only hope that your W decides to get on, and stay on this time.

I don't blame you for loving her, or being angry with her. I understand completely. This is where my little "drunk emotional break" came from the other night. I got so fed up with not knowing my "place" in his life, and only being there when he wanted me to be.. So I let it all out, at once. Usually pressure like that sends him running, but this time he seemed receptive. Apparently the 180 was somewhat successful, because for once, I feel like he actually heard me.

I just hope you find some peace WWB. You seem like a great person, and she would be lucky to share her life with you.. But she needs to REALIZE that! Up until now, it seems as if she's taken you for granted, and you deserve so much more! I hope she can open her eyes and see what you're offering her. Very rarely do people continue to love someone like you are loving her, especially after what has happened!

I wish you nothing but positive vibes and lots of luck. It seems as if she is starting to wake up, slowly. I just hope she keeps on that track for your sake!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Thanks, this is definitely the MOST painful experience ever (aside from the last two months of my life living in limbo!).
> 
> Things are staying consistent so far, yet it has only been a few days. Night 3 sharing the same bed last night, there's just something about it that makes me wake up smiling. Like for those few hours, all is right in my life. Weird, I know lol.
> 
> ...


It's extremely painful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone! 

Glad you're seeing some consistency, consistency show's that he's committed to making it work. I can imagine the huge smile I'd have on my face if I could wake up next to my wife again, but I really don't think that's going to happen. 

I chose to put myself in limbo this time, and I can chose to take myself out of it. I've been here for nearly a week now, and it's already taking it's toll on me. I hope she gets aboard the R train too, but I don't think she will. I'm not sure why, I just don't think she will. What I do know is I don't think I can stay in limbo much longer. It's driving me crazy.

I wish my wife would show me some sort of emotional break, at the moment she just keeps talking to me like nothing has happened and it frustrates me. I don't want to push her in to making a decision, but at the same time, I don't want her to think there's no rush because it's painful being stuck where I am. I hate the not-knowing. In a perfect world, she'd call me and say she wanted to meet up to discuss R. However, I just don't know. The talking to her is great, but it's intensifying my feelings for her, and to what end?

I wish I could see what she's thinking.

I'll find my peace eventually, one way or another. Whether she makes realisations or not. I hope you're right that she's starting to wake up slowly, or perhaps she's just trying to keep her options open, stringing me along as plan B. That's what I fear.

I've made myself very vulnerable to her again, despite my better judgement. The heart wants what the heart wants. 

I hope she keeps on that track too, but if she doesn't I'll still be ok.

Edit: She fell off the track. Previously I'd slam the brakes on and help her back on to it. This time, I just kept on rollin'.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's extremely painful. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!
> 
> Glad you're seeing some consistency, consistency show's that he's committed to making it work. I can imagine the huge smile I'd have on my face if I could wake up next to my wife again, but I really don't think that's going to happen.
> 
> ...


Just saw your thread.. Sorry to hear that she told you that she didnt want to R.. But I'm happy for you that you finally have something solid. Goodbye limbo, and goodbye tunnel.

She doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be strung along. I'm so glad you had the all or nothing talk with her, just sad that she chose the nothing route 

I'm working on night 6 of sleeping in our bed together, and amazed at some of the actions I've seen. He cancelled his trip to see the supposed OW and she is no longer on his Facebook. Not sure what the story is there, but he told me the trip wasnt worth it.. I'm assuming he meant losing our marriage, because that is what I told him would happen if he left.

He has been more affectionate than he has been in months, even before the separation.. And I've been on medical leave from work, and I was woken up to some sweet sentiments this morning. Nothing better than hearing that he loves waking up to his beautiful wife! 

I so wish you were on the path to R as well, but she doesn't sound worthy of your time. I truly hope you continue down the positive path you are on, and find someone who reciprocates all of your feelings!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Just saw your thread.. Sorry to hear that she told you that she didnt want to R.. But I'm happy for you that you finally have something solid. Goodbye limbo, and goodbye tunnel.
> 
> She doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be strung along. I'm so glad you had the all or nothing talk with her, just sad that she chose the nothing route
> 
> ...


I was expecting her to not want to R. I thought I'd be upset, but I seem to have skipped that part and just gone to angry. Angry for her leading me on, angry for having the future that I always wanted waved in front of my face. It's good though because it gives me strength. I'm looking forward to getting out of my tunnel, it's not very nice in here .

I always felt as though I was the one that didn't deserve her, but you're right, that's not the case, and it never was. It was her that didn't deserve me. I just can't waste any more effort on someone who just doesn't care. It's a shame she chose the nothing route, but I think she always intended to choose that path. I'm starting to think she needs validation, that she needs me to want her in my life, emotionally and sexually. She needs the attention and she needs her ego boosting. I don't know why she needs it from me specifically - she's a beautiful girl (not woman, yet) and she gets a lot of attention from men.

I'm really pleased things are going well for you! . It's good that your H is showing you some actions to prove that he's serious about your M. If you're not sure what the story is there, perhaps you should discuss it with him? If you're ok not knowing, then that's fine. If it were me, it'd drive me crazy!

Glad that the affection is returning, and that he's taking care of you! A few days ago I would have given anything to wake up next to my wife, tell her how beautiful she is, and give her a kiss to start my day. Now... now I'm not so sure. I still miss her, but I just can't trust her with my heart again. It's sad, but this time I don't feel like "I've given up" I feel like "She's pushed me too far" if that makes sense?

I wish I were on the path to R too, but being single has it's positives as well . But, I will continue down the path to D, as it's the only choice I have. I'm sure I'll find someone one day who reciprocates my feelings, but for now I'm really not looking. I have too much work to do on myself, too much healing to do. Anything I get in to right now would be doomed to fail from the start.

I hope things continue to go well for you, and it's really nice to see one of these threads have stories of happiness rather than stories of pain and misery. Your story is a good reminder that sometimes, all is not lost. A good reminder that if you truly love someone, you'll do what you have to do for that person.

In a way those reminders help me detach from my wife, because if she truly loved me, she would be by my side.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I was expecting her to not want to R. I thought I'd be upset, but I seem to have skipped that part and just gone to angry. Angry for her leading me on, angry for having the future that I always wanted waved in front of my face. It's good though because it gives me strength. I'm looking forward to getting out of my tunnel, it's not very nice in here .
> 
> I always felt as though I was the one that didn't deserve her, but you're right, that's not the case, and it never was. It was her that didn't deserve me. I just can't waste any more effort on someone who just doesn't care. It's a shame she chose the nothing route, but I think she always intended to choose that path. I'm starting to think she needs validation, that she needs me to want her in my life, emotionally and sexually. She needs the attention and she needs her ego boosting. I don't know why she needs it from me specifically - she's a beautiful girl (not woman, yet) and she gets a lot of attention from men.
> 
> ...


You are so right, if she loved you the way you love her, she wouldn't be doing this to you. I'm sure she loves you, but it definitely sounds like she's needy and selfish (my H is as well, a work in progress!). I'm glad hearing that she doesn't want to R has given you strength. I think you've known all along, and even though you were hopeful, you knew better. Which is probably why you're doing so well 

It does make sense that she's pushed you too far, and I agree that she has. You are not giving up, in no way, shape or form. You have worked diligently on yourself, while trying to save your M. It's her loss sadly, but you are on to great things now! Just in the past few weeks I have seen an amazing turnaround, and have faith that you have finally found your way to the end of that tunnel 

Things here are great. Had a bit of a scare the other night and our daughter ended up in emergency, thankfully he was there with us. It was a night he "should" have been out of town, and as he sat there holding our baby, he looked over and told me how happy he was that he was there with us.. That he doesn't know what he would have done if he would have been gone and couldn't have been with his little girl. That almost broke my heart 

Other than a rough night, we've been doing well. We've talked a bit about everything that happened, and I was able to confide in him that even I have had dark moments in our M. I never confided in him when I had doubts, or wondered where my life was headed.. So I told him I was proud of him for being brave enough to admit this to me, since I was too scared to too him when I felt it. We also talked about how these things happen to everyone, and that there are better ways to approach it other than giving up on everything.

He is planning on taking me to the beach for a weekend next month for my birthday, a spa weekend  he hasn't planned anything for a special occasion in years so I'm excited! Our intimacy has returned full force thankfully, because even before this we were in a pretty rough spot (my fault really, overworking myself and being lazy!).

It feels good to be able to go full circle on this post, even though you're probably the only one who reads it  I spent hours searching this forum for stories with happy endings, and reading posts in the R section to give myself hope. Strangely enough, when this all began last week, I had given up on R and wasnt even sure I still wanted it to work.. Funny how a little effort on the other side can change those feelings!

I hope you are doing well  one of these days I know we'll be hearing about a wild and crazy date night 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> You are so right, if she loved you the way you love her, she wouldn't be doing this to you. I'm sure she loves you, but it definitely sounds like she's needy and selfish (my H is as well, a work in progress!). I'm glad hearing that she doesn't want to R has given you strength. I think you've known all along, and even though you were hopeful, you knew better. Which is probably why you're doing so well
> 
> It does make sense that she's pushed you too far, and I agree that she has. You are not giving up, in no way, shape or form. You have worked diligently on yourself, while trying to save your M. It's her loss sadly, but you are on to great things now! Just in the past few weeks I have seen an amazing turnaround, and have faith that you have finally found your way to the end of that tunnel
> 
> ...


I did know all along yeah, but I had to try one more time for myself. I now haven't spoken to her in almost a week, I have times where I miss her, but it's easier now.

I'm glad I don't feel like I've given up. I really didn't want that regret. Now I can say I tried my best and I can move on, without always beating myself up over "what if".

I'm glad things are going well for you!  you really deserve to be happy. I hope your daughter is okay? I don't have any kids, but I know that if one of my hypothetical children needed to go the emergency room, I'd want to be there.

It's good to get everything out in the open, it helps you both to process everything and heal and move on. I tried to have this chat with STBXW, I laid everything out, poured my heart out. She didn't reciprocate, stayed quiet, and then when I'd finished just calmly said that it was "too late".

I hope you have a good birthday, and it's really nice to hear he's putting so much effort in! It seems like he's had some kind of epiphany! Have fun with the "intimacy" . That's one of the things I really miss about being with my W, even though that tailed off towards the end.

I'm really happy for you that you have gone full circle here, it doesn't seem to happen often from what I've been reading so make the most of it .

I too have given up on R, but I think if I were to start seeing some effort from STBXW (which I won't) I'd probably second guess myself. I know that in my case, it would be best to just let it go though. If she does start showing some interest, I hope my heart doesn't over-power my head.

I'm not so sure about crazy date night stories.... at least not for a long time. It will be a good while before I post anything like: "So, I was in the club and these four chicks approach me, we have a few drinks and start chatting, the next thing I wake up in the back of a van with all four of them, and I'm dressed as a police officer. There's empty cans of whipped cream everywhere, and I have no idea how any of it happened."

Who knows what the future holds  haha.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> I did know all along yeah, but I had to try one more time for myself. I now haven't spoken to her in almost a week, I have times where I miss her, but it's easier now.
> 
> I'm glad I don't feel like I've given up. I really didn't want that regret. Now I can say I tried my best and I can move on, without always beating myself up over "what if".
> 
> ...


I'm the same way.. Even though limbo sucked, I knew that I didn't want to feel regret later on for giving up.. So I just kept trying. If nothing else, I know now that my H recognized that I'm dedicated, and although I was working on bettering myself, I never truly gave up on him either.

You will be able to move forward knowing that you did what you could, and never gave up. At least you'll be able to sleep at night 

My daughter is doing well, finally! It's been a long week, and I'm glad I had help! He isn't usually too involved during sickness, but this time he's been incredible! Sadly, now he's getting sick too, so it's time for me to take care of everyone!

I'm holding out for a story like that now, I believe everyone deserves a night like that! Whipped cream and four women.. Geez! Lol way to go! That would definitely deserve it's own thread  but for now, keep doing what you're doing. Going a week without contact is great, you should be proud of yourself!! I know it's still hard sometimes, but I can tell from what you say that it's nowhere near as hard as it was a few weeks ago! Great progress 

Stories definitely don't seem to come full circle much these days, not on TAM anyway! I'm assuming some people stop coming on when things improve, but my goal is to share the good side along with the bad. I want people to see that not every story ends in D, just as many other stories show that D can sometimes be the right choice for some! I know I spent a lot of time looking for happy endings, and never found a lot. I won't even say that this my happy ending, because my story is far from over! But so far, it's taken a happy turn. I know a lot of people feel hopeless, I know I definitely did for a while there.. And I want to show that sometimes things can turn around 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I'm the same way.. Even though limbo sucked, I knew that I didn't want to feel regret later on for giving up.. So I just kept trying. If nothing else, I know now that my H recognized that I'm dedicated, and although I was working on bettering myself, I never truly gave up on him either.
> 
> You will be able to move forward knowing that you did what you could, and never gave up. At least you'll be able to sleep at night
> 
> ...


Yeah, I've truly got to that point now where I can rest easy. I actually had a bit of a shock yesterday that made me realise how emotionally detached I am from her now. I had a moment of weakness yesterday morning and sent STBXW a message. She replied being very grouchy and said that she was really unwell with Glandular Fever, and that she didn't want to talk to me. I just said "fair enough" and stopped texting her. Then last night she sent another message saying she was sorry for being grouchy and that she was really unwell and has been hospitalised. I didn't respond and I found it difficult to care, even though I really wanted to.

In the past, when she's told me she's been unwell, I've always been sympathetic, tried to cheer her up and make her smile, and keep her occupied to stop her getting bored. I think she sent that follow up message because I didn't react that way. 

Glad she's doing well  Make sure you take good care of your H, I'm sure he will appreciate it .

Haha, well I very much doubt there will be a story like that from me.... but I am going clubbing this weekend and I do tend to turn in to a bit of a manwh*re when I've had a few drinks.

Keep sharing your positive news, it's nice to know that things have worked out for someone, even if they haven't worked out for me. It gives me faith that one day I'll be happy with someone, and with someone that actually cares.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

I just caught up on your thread, and I'm proud of you! She needs your sympathy, but doesn't deserve it!!

I will definitely take good care of him, he's a bit of a baby when sick! I'm just enjoying hearing him making plans for the holidays and such, it's been a while since I heard anything that gave me a sense of permanence. It's nice to know that he's truly planning on sticking around, because my biggest fear is that he'll wake up in that dark place again and decide he's changed his mind!

Keep the faith, one of these days a lucky lady is going to be worthy of everything you have to offer. You will be happy with someone, and it won't be tainted by a troubled past. You will be starting over fresh, and it will feel amazing!!

As for the drinking and clubbing, I'm sure you'll have a few adventures to share at the end of the weekend  much more exciting than mine, at home sick and doing homework!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> I just caught up on your thread, and I'm proud of you! She needs your sympathy, but doesn't deserve it!!
> 
> I will definitely take good care of him, he's a bit of a baby when sick! I'm just enjoying hearing him making plans for the holidays and such, it's been a while since I heard anything that gave me a sense of permanence. It's nice to know that he's truly planning on sticking around, because my biggest fear is that he'll wake up in that dark place again and decide he's changed his mind!
> 
> ...


She isn't getting anything from me! I've given her more than enough already. 

I think most men are babies when they are sick. I think it comes from childhood when our mothers used to dote over us when we were ill. It's good that he's looking ahead and seeing you as a family! I don't think he'll change his mind on you, from what you've said. It sounds like he's had some kind of awakening and he's in it for the long haul!

I hope you're right that one day I will find that. It's difficult to see sometimes, but I know it's out there for me when the time is right, and not a minute sooner!

Haha, well we shall see, I'm not planning on seeking any "adventures" per se, but I won't run away from them if they emerge .

I hope you feel better soon, and good luck with the studying  I'm sure it will go well!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Just catching up on your thread over here! It's easier to post to you on this one though, less popular lol

I see that you texted her drunk, but I'm overlooking that  I also see that you had a lot of fun, dancing and apparently kissing a girl! Way to go!

You keep looking forward to living your awesome life, you've already done well so far! I'm proud of you for blocking her, and I'm sorry for the hurtful things she said to you. I agree with you though, people speak the truth when they are angry!

As for me, my daughter is finally feeling good again. I'm almost there as well. My H.. well he's surviving lol he's right in the middle of the worst part, so I'm just doing what I can for him!

I found out this morning that I was waaaaaaay off about this OW.. Like, way off. I haven't mentioned anything to H, but I feel so bad now that I jumped to conclusions. True, I had past experience and a reason to believe something was up..but I should have believed him when he swore to me that I was wrong!

Other than that, we are doing well. I am starting to feel more comfortable with all of this, and feel that we are progressing nicely in R.

I finished my studying, wrote my paper, and already started a whole new class! This one is Positive Psychology, so I'm thinking it will be interesting  Way more interesting than my Marriage and Family class next month haha


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Just catching up on your thread over here! It's easier to post to you on this one though, less popular lol
> 
> I see that you texted her drunk, but I'm overlooking that  I also see that you had a lot of fun, dancing and apparently kissing a girl! Way to go!
> 
> ...


Hey CB1  I hope things are good with you!

Hmm, I wouldn't say my thread is more "popular", but I post a lot so it's always quite near the top of the list I guess.

I did indeed text her drunk, huge mistake on my part, I felt awful about it the following day, and there was some pretty nasty fallout, but nevermind, I'll not dwell on it.

I did dance with lots of women, the kiss however I still don't think actually happened. My friend probably saw some guy in similar clothing with a similar build and thought it was me! I have absolutely no memory of a kiss whatsoever!

The things she said were very hurtful, I'm not sure which was the most hurtful, but she told me she knew she'd made a mistake on our honeymoon, but she resolved to try make the best of a "sh*t relationship". Still, the past is the past, and I won't beat myself up about it!

Glad you and your daughter are on the mend! I'm sure your H will be too soon with you taking good care of him .

What did you find about about the suspected OW? I'm intrigued.

I'm so happy that your R is going well! It's one thing to R, but to R and have it go well and be happy is a rare thing, you're very lucky .

Sounds like you've been very busy! I've always liked the idea of studying Psychology, but I don't have the time or money at the moment. When I studied at university I opted for Computer Sciene and Mathematics. In hindsight I wish I'd done either Psychology or Music, or both! Best of luck with the new class!


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I too am interested in what you found out CB1, but also glad things seem to be going so well for you. Don't beat yourself up too much for being suspicious of something that reminded you of the past and made you jump to a wrong conclusion. Our past experiences are all any of us have to go on to try and predict what is going on in the world around us. It's not infallible... if something is walking like a duck, and quacking like a duck, you can be forgiven for thinking it was probably a duck even if it wasn't.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Hey CB1  I hope things are good with you!
> 
> Hmm, I wouldn't say my thread is more "popular", but I post a lot so it's always quite near the top of the list I guess.
> 
> ...


No way. She is absolutely just trying to hurt you. There is no way she knew on your honeymoon that your M was a mistake, and definitely NO way she just decided at that point to "make the best of it". Ugh. I'm really starting to dislike your STBXW.

I am so glad that you are choosing not to beat yourself up about it, and also hope that you are realizing that she is doing everything she can to hurt you. She has lost her control over you, and at this point, it seems as if all she has left are hurtful comments. She is failing at her own game, and it's probably driving her nuts that you're doing so well!

So all along I would accuse him of things regarding this OW..And I found out yesterday that she has a man. Just like H told me. So I've figured out that I got this crazy idea in my head and ran with it, without actually hearing him explain it to me. Here he was, trying to tell me she had a boyfriend, and that they were just friends..and I just heard "Lie Lie Lie". 

Although, I'm still not clear on all of the details.. There may still have been something going on there, but I've given up on trying to answer all of my own questions!

So far things are still going well.. Although I found myself thinking this morning about whether or not I'm truly happy. Why am I doubting myself?! He is doing everything I ever wanted, saying all of the right things..and here I am, sitting here wondering if this is truly the direction I wanted to be going.

It makes me sick. I read all of these sad posts, people wishing for R....and I feel crazy. Do you think it's normal at this point to have doubts? I mean, I love my H...but I'm kinda wondering what life would be like on my own. :scratchhead:


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> I too am interested in what you found out CB1, but also glad things seem to be going so well for you. Don't beat yourself up too much for being suspicious of something that reminded you of the past and made you jump to a wrong conclusion. Our past experiences are all any of us have to go on to try and predict what is going on in the world around us. It's not infallible... if something is walking like a duck, and quacking like a duck, you can be forgiven for thinking it was probably a duck even if it wasn't.


What I found out could mean that I was hearing the truth all along, yet continued to think H was lying.. I simply found out that the OW does have a man of her own..Which is what my H was telling me. That nothing was going on.

Except, I know that it could still have been something more. I'm just trying to let go of it, what's done is done.

Yea, in the past, he said the same things to me.. That "nothing" was going on between him and a different OW... That they were just friends. And later on, the consequences ended up smashing his entire web of lies. At the end of that "situation" there was something that absolutely could not be denied, and it went against all of his lies.

Whew. I must be on a negative kick today. Something is going on in my brain, and I'm feeling the need to step back and take some time to think. I'm questioning my own feelings at this point, which seems crazy to me..

Plus, I think all of the fun you and WWB are having is making me a bit jealous


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Wow.

I think I'm crazy.

Why am I having doubts?

It's really bugging me..

How do you finally get what you want, and still end up having doubts about it?!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> No way. She is absolutely just trying to hurt you. There is no way she knew on your honeymoon that your M was a mistake, and definitely NO way she just decided at that point to "make the best of it". Ugh. I'm really starting to dislike your STBXW.
> 
> I am so glad that you are choosing not to beat yourself up about it, and also hope that you are realizing that she is doing everything she can to hurt you. She has lost her control over you, and at this point, it seems as if all she has left are hurtful comments. She is failing at her own game, and it's probably driving her nuts that you're doing so well!
> 
> ...


Yeah, she has said some extremely hurtful things, some of which I think I have listed in my thread. Ultimately I know she's just lashing out to try and knock me back, because she doesn't like the fact that I'm getting on without her. Don't worry, I'm starting to dislike her too. Before she left she didn't have a spiteful or malicious bone in her body.

Good news about your H! I'm glad that you've found out and can at least put some of that doubt to rest . It's definitely best to let go of questions that you'll never get answers to.

I do think that it's normal to have doubts at this point yes. R is a very scary thing. It's terrifying making yourself vulnerable to someone who has hurt you in the past. I completely understand. Your doubts stem from fear, fear is our way of protecting ourselves. The only thing that will abate those doubts is time unfortunately, along with consistent work and actions from your H.

Remember that you've been through emotional hell, and that is going to take it's toll on your ability to trust. Give it time, but ultimately, do what's right for _you_.

Whilst I am having a lot of fun and I'm loving it, I'd still trade away all of the flirting and female attention to make a go of things with my W, at least, the way she used to be. Who she is now, I couldn't give that up for.

You aren't crazy, don't worry . R isn't easy, and if it ever is easy, then it's not a true R because either:

A.) There was no problem to begin with.
or
b.) The problems aren't being resolved.

Try not to beat yourself up about the doubts, they are entirely natural.


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Your head and you heart aren't in agreement because the trust was shaken - again. I like to think most of us can forgive a transgression and move on if we feel the one that hurt us is genuinely remorseful and making amends. At least once. Although it takes a lot to genuinely put it behind us. However, the trust that was once whole and unbroken is still cracked no matter how much glue they use to try to put it back together. We are ever after very protective of ourselves and having it broken again. That eases up a bit over time, but occurrences like you experienced bring it all back into focus like the original transgression happened yesterday. 

You aren't crazy for reevaluating whether you made a mistake the first time. You are unable not to. I'd have a talk with him and let him know why you thought and felt the way you did. Maybe ask him to be more careful in his relationships with the opposite sex in the future - or cut them out entirely. I know none of us like to feel suspicious or jealous, but sometimes - if the relationship is important enough - the other person should understand why you feel that way sometimes and be willing to do whatever it takes to fix it. I know I gave up all of my female friends when I got married - it just wasn't worth the possible hassle. Part of "treat others like you want to be treated".


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Thanks guys  it's nice to hear that I'm not completely crazy!

I'm just struggling with all of it today, and with the holidays coming I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I keep telling myself I should be ecstatic and enjoy every moment, yet there are times where I still feel the need to be a little down. Fleeting moments of jealousy, or flare ups of anger over things that were said or done while we were separated.

I'm guessing I should talk to H, or try IC. I don't want to continue holding a grudge, but at the same time, I don't think I should have to "just get over it". He hasn't asked or told me to get over it, but I know him well enough to know that he doesn't want me dwelling on this. Unlike other times though, I feel the need to fully process everything in my own time. In the past we were just "dating" and breaks seemed to be the norm.. But this time, we're married. And the stability of my marriage was shaken to its core. I'm having a hard time believing that it can ever be strong again.

I knew this wouldn't be easy. I also knew that there were some things I should have said before we started this R. It may be too late now, for fear of screwing things up.

As for the friends of the opposite sex.. Ugh. We've had conversations about this for years. He tends to be over friendly with his female friends, and I've brought it up quite a bit. He gets upset and tells me I'm just jealous. I get upset because he's nicer to them than he is to me. And for me, I've always had male friends. I only have a handful of female friends, and we aren't super close. So he throws that in my face. The way I act with my closest male friends comes across as flirting to my H. So that conversation is never ending!

Although, given his history.. You'd think he'd be more willing to cut ties, or at least distance himself from these female friends. At least I've never given him a reason to be jealous, or question my motives!

I don't know.. Hopefully I'm just having a bad day over here.. Maybe it's because we spent the first two weeks of R together, and now we've been apart for a few days. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Thanks guys  it's nice to hear that I'm not completely crazy!
> 
> I'm just struggling with all of it today, and with the holidays coming I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I keep telling myself I should be ecstatic and enjoy every moment, yet there are times where I still feel the need to be a little down. Fleeting moments of jealousy, or flare ups of anger over things that were said or done while we were separated.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's why I gave up my female friends... I couldn't reasonably expect her to give up her male friends unless I did - even though she was the one in multiple EA's that first year. I knew it would probably have been used as a stick to clobber me with at some point down the road. I _kind_ of regret it now (I miss their council), but I _was_ happy for 8 years so I don't regret it that much. No use tainting those memories with something as useless as regret.

You are right about holding a grudge. If you do it will eventually fester into something poisonous. It's the hardest thing in the world to let it go, but if you really want things to work you have to find a way to wipe the slate clean at some point. Distrust and suspicion are no way to live... that's why I can forgive most things once if I feel they are sincere and repentant, but never twice. 

_"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"_

If you find someone good for IC, I don't see how it could hurt. Should at least help you get to the root of why you feel like you do and what you can do about it.

I'm wishing you all the best and hope you both can achieve peace with each other and yourselves.

.. and hope all of the sickies get to feeling better!


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Thanks guys  it's nice to hear that I'm not completely crazy!
> 
> I'm just struggling with all of it today, and with the holidays coming I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I keep telling myself I should be ecstatic and enjoy every moment, yet there are times where I still feel the need to be a little down. Fleeting moments of jealousy, or flare ups of anger over things that were said or done while we were separated.
> 
> ...


It's natural to feel down at times, you've been through an extreme emotional trauma. Things will take time to settle down. The jealousy and anger are natural too. If I were in your position, I know I'd want to get angry about the way I had been treated. As a "Nice Guy" I'd suppress that anger, for fear that if I confronted her it would damage our chances at R. That wouldn't work out in the long run. Have you discussed with your H how you are feeling, and why you are angry?

Personally for me, IC has been fantastic, it's helped me figure a lot of things out, and work through a lot of issues. If I'm honest I figure most things out myself, but talking about it in IC helps cement it in my mind. The only downside of IC is that it's expensive! You're right that you shouldn't have to just "get over it". You need to work through it, it's not a switch you can flip. 

Don't fear screwing up. If your H loves you, he will listen, understand and be supportive, and apologetic. He'll do his best to help you through this. 

Friends of the opposite sex - I think that given the history, it would be fair to be concerned about this. This is something you should discuss with your H, tell him how you're feeling. My W didn't like me having female, or male friends. I can understand the female friends, but she thought my male friends would be a "bad influence" and would goad me in to being unfaithful. That would have never been the case, but still, I used to get the silent treatment or the cold shoulder if I went out with them.

I hope things improve for you, and your doubts fade. Remember, you're not crazy .


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CB1, how are you doing now? Better I hope!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Sadly, I am back..and once again preparing to embark on this journey of divorce.. But this time, I'm smarter, I'm stronger and I'm absolutely OVER it!

Six months into a false reconciliation, I brought up an issue that we've been dealing with (I've been bringing it up, he's been rugsweeping). But I'll back up a little.

We decided to R in November, right before our anniversary. He made all the claims to be a better husband, to respect our marriage vows, blah blah blah. We jumped right in, and seemed to be doing well. He seemed content, and seemed to have returned from his dark, twisted place that his depression and anxiety lead him to. Oh, and the girl he was talking to.. He said she was history, nothing more than a friend. Yeeea, right.

In February, we were sitting on the couch together and his phone went off. I had let my guard down, and trusted that he was committed again so I stopped keeping tabs on him. Well, the phone happened to be next to me, and the message is forever burned into my mind. It said "Why don't you just date her? Do you still talk to her?". It hit like a ton of bricks, and of course, I assume it was about the girl he was talking to while we split up last year... The worst part.. The message was sent from a girl that was a "friend" of his several years ago..while we were split up. A girl he slept with, and ended up paying for an abortion for her. 

After the message, I blew up and he lied and lied and lied. He claims he doesn't know who the number is (I remember it from all those years ago..funny how our memories work). Then he says ok, it is her, but that message wasn't for me. After a few hours of nonstop lies, he refused to talk about it anymore. So I shut up, and started keeping tabs again. Turns out he had been talking to her since the week after Valentine's Day, along with reconnecting with the girl from our last separation. I'm talking 100's of messages each night while he was at work. 10,000 or more in the month. I continued questioning him randomly, and he kept lying. He swore he wasn't talking to either one, yet spent hours texting or calling one or BOTH in the same night.

For a brief period at the end of March, he actually stopped contact with both. Promised me the world, swore he was done, that they weren't worth ruining our M... Within 2 weeks, he was back on the phone every night... And still lying to me, telling me he wasn't speaking to them, even when I had the phone bill in front of me.. He just changed the password on the account and continued his "friendships" as he calls them.

Fast forward to now, he has been out of the house for a month. I kicked him out during yet another heated argument about his lies.. He came home for a few days, but spent 2 hours on the phone with his girlfriend, and couldn't even acknowledge me when he came home that night... Too busy investing everything into her I guess. So I kicked him out again, and changed all the locks this time.

Now that he's been gone, we have had minimal contact. I didn't do the typical begging, pleading and crying thing.. I simply told him he had a choice to make, either save his family or abandon it for this fantasy life. Of course, he then tells me he hasn't been happy since we reconciled, that he's just been existing here with me..and now he's ready to live his life his way. Ha, what a joke.

Other than a frustrating moment in which I looked at his Facebook and found both of the girls he texts constantly, plus 2 new ones... I have been firm in NC, other than child or financial related texts. We see each other once a week when he visits, and I try to make myself scarce.

I am working up the courage to file for D. I have already talked to an attorney, and if I had the money, I would have already hired him! I'm working through the weak moments, the ones where I look around and think of how lonely I am... Then I remember the text messages, hours of phone calls, and skanky girls on his facebook page.. That always helps. 

Whew, this is getting long. On the plus side, I just recently completed my BA in Psychology, and I am on the verge of landing an awesome job! My daughter and I are doing well, making our home our own and personalizing it just the way we want it (think, lots of zebra!). Sadly, I believe I am detached this time..I miss my husband, but I can honestly admit that I haven't seen that man in almost a year. I definitely do not miss this person that has been "existing" in my home for the past 6 months.


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Sadly, I am back..and once again preparing to embark on this journey of divorce.. But this time, I'm smarter, I'm stronger and I'm absolutely OVER it!
> 
> Six months into a false reconciliation, I brought up an issue that we've been dealing with (I've been bringing it up, he's been rugsweeping). But I'll back up a little.
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear this CB1 :/ he sounds a bit like my STBXW, some people will just never change.

Did his father behave this way towards his mother by any chance?

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things and have found the strength to do what you have to do, and that's a good place to be at. Good job on being strong! It's not always easy, but it does get easier.

Onwards and upwards from here on out, your needs and your daughter's needs are what's important to you now


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good that false hope is exposed for what it is. Your STBXh is insatiable in his desire for novelty.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> Sorry to hear this CB1 :/ he sounds a bit like my STBXW, some people will just never change.
> 
> Did his father behave this way towards his mother by any chance?
> 
> ...



Thanks WWB  I've been following your thread this whole time, but finally got the strength to log back in and admit to my mistakes. Your posts, along with others, have given me the courage and strength I needed to put a stop to this once and for all. I must say, even under the circumstances (divorce and devastation), I'm super happy to be back here surrounded by strong people who have lived it, and survived it.

His dad actually spent 25 years making his mom miserable before jumping up one day and leaving for his OW. They are some scary similarities in their behavior and thought processes, so it's time I wake up to that and realize that he's turning out just like his dad!!

Happy to say that my daughter has adjusted well. The first two weeks were tough, and since she isn't even 4 yet, I struggled with explaining things to her. I finally told her that mommy and daddy both love her, but we needed some space. After pondering that, she told me I was the bestest mommy in the world, and she's been fine ever since. Even seeing him once a week has been ok, she doesn't break down or cry anymore. I hope that means she's accepted this as our new reality. I've done a lot to keep her busy and improve our lives, and just want the very best for her 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Good that false hope is exposed for what it is. Your STBXh is insatiable in his desire for novelty.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


I agree! For the longest time I accepted it as a character flaw, but now it has gone beyond that. He has sacrificed and abandoned his family for the fantasy life, and I refuse to subject my daughter to it!

The saddest part.. When I asked him months ago how he would feel if his daughters husband treated her this way, he said he would kill him. But letting her observe this behavior is only setting her up for disaster later on... And when asked why he thinks he can get away with treating me this way, he ended the conversation and walked away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

CrazyBeautiful1 said:


> Thanks WWB  I've been following your thread this whole time, but finally got the strength to log back in and admit to my mistakes. Your posts, along with others, have given me the courage and strength I needed to put a stop to this once and for all. I must say, even under the circumstances (divorce and devastation), I'm super happy to be back here surrounded by strong people who have lived it, and survived it.
> 
> His dad actually spent 25 years making his mom miserable before jumping up one day and leaving for his OW. They are some scary similarities in their behavior and thought processes, so it's time I wake up to that and realize that he's turning out just like his dad!!
> 
> ...


There are some amazingly strong people here. This is an inspirational place.

I try not to hold Boomerangs behaviour against her, behaviour is learned and she is just acting the way her mother taught her! She probably thinks she's doing nothing wrong, I do because I was taught differently.

It sounds like you're really taking care of your daughter through all of this, which is great. I have seen so many couples split and the child is forgotten about! My own parents included!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

WantWifeBack said:


> There are some amazingly strong people here. This is an inspirational place.
> 
> I try not to hold Boomerangs behaviour against her, behaviour is learned and she is just acting the way her mother taught her! She probably thinks she's doing nothing wrong, I do because I was taught differently.
> 
> It sounds like you're really taking care of your daughter through all of this, which is great. I have seen so many couples split and the child is forgotten about! My own parents included!


I agree that behavior is learned, although what my H has been doing even goes beyond what his father did in the past. Sadly, the overall lesson to his done was that it was ok to torment and walk all over the wife, simply because they are "men". My MIL used to try to talk sense into him, but even she has given up. She tries to support us both, because despite everything I'm still her favorite  

I'm sorry your parents split was so negative for you  I can't imagine being caught in the middle and forgotten, that must have been rough. Luckily, my mom was a trooper and raised 2 of us by herself. She gave me a lot of strength, and has been an inspiration throughout this new journey as a single mom. In reality, I've done much of the same for the last 4 years. H has never been super involved, and working opposite shifts left me home with my daughter alone 5-6 days a week. I think that's helping a lot, as I'm used to not having much help or support
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear the R didn't work out, CB1... but I can't say I'm surprised either. You've learned a lot... use it. LongWalk hit the nail on the head, I think. He's addicted to novelty - no woman will ever be happy with him.

We're here whenever you need to vent or just talk.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> CrazyBeautiful
> 
> I agree! For the longest time I accepted it as a character flaw, but now it has gone beyond that. *He has sacrificed and abandoned his family for the fantasy life, and I refuse to subject my daughter to it*
> 
> ...






CrazyBeautiful

It s refreshing to see a woman like you that has such integrity and is strong enough to not be a door mat. In fact you are demonstrating that you are not going to let a selfish person who will harm his own child for his own fantasy get a free ride! *Congratulations CB!!!*



I know that you are in pain but I can say that even adds to your courage. Make a short and long range plan to become even more self reliant and achieve the goals in that plan. Then you will never beg again because you will be able to live with them or without them. *Getting yourself self sufficiicent is the absolute best approach because the only two beings that you can trust 100% is God and you and sometimes you have to wonder about you!*


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Honorbound said:


> I'm sorry to hear the R didn't work out, CB1... but I can't say I'm surprised either. You've learned a lot... use it. LongWalk hit the nail on the head, I think. He's addicted to novelty - no woman will ever be happy with him.
> 
> We're here whenever you need to vent or just talk.


HB! 

I must admit, I'm not too surprised either. I have learned a lot, and I've grown stronger over the past few months. Since the night in February when I saw the text, I began to mentally prepare myself for this. I knew it was coming. It's happened too many times to truly believe that he would stop.

No woman will ever be happy with him - and he will never be happy with any ONE woman. He's always told me that I'm it.. Even though he strays, he has admitted (in a rare moment of truth) that he will never find anyone like me, so he doesn't even try. Sadly, that just means he'll take whatever piece gets thrown at him.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> CrazyBeautiful
> 
> It s refreshing to see a woman like you that has such integrity and is strong enough to not be a door mat. In fact you are demonstrating that you are not going to let a selfish person who will harm his own child for his own fantasy get a free ride! *Congratulations CB!!!*
> 
> ...


Thank you sir  I appreciate the kind words! Strength was never my best attribute when it came to him, so I have worked hard on that. I can admit, I used to be that door mat you speak of.. and refuse to go back to that. 

I definitely do wonder about myself sometimes, I tend to be irrational and quick to jump! I am working on becoming self sufficient, hoping to land a job with the state here pretty quick so that would put me in a good place. I am also due to start attending Grad school at the end of summer, which will be a handful, but in the long run it will be extremely beneficial. I think it's safe to say that he thought my life would halt as soon as he left, as it used to do.. But I am determined to continue moving forward and building up my independence. He actually commented right before my graduation when I got my first job offer, and asked if I was doing all of that to become independent so I could leave him. Honestly, that was in the back of my mind the entire time. Mainly it was to support our family, and give us a better future.. but there was always a nagging voice in my head telling me to think of the big picture!


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Just an update, as today was our weekly visitation.. I go NC during the week, unless it's something important (mostly child related, sometimes not..). He comes over once a week to see our daughter, and the first few weeks were rough. The 3rd visit, he showed up and took us to dinner and a carnival.. Which was weird. I thought something had changed, but he spent days convincing me otherwise.

This marks almost 2 weeks since I made my last statement about him coming home; it was basically telling him that he could always come around again if he was willing to work through X number of things.. When I sat down and thought about the things I wanted on that "list", I realized that the majority of them were beyond his reach.. And I believe that was intentional. That is when I decided that I didn't want him to come home, ever.

This visit was rather uneventful. Our daughter is sick, so they spent quite a bit of time laying together and watching a movie. He also helped me fix my truck, and we went over a few things (vehicle registrations, insurance payments, medical stuff) that have been piling up. I made a few snarky comments about his facebook and his girlfriends, and he questioned me on why I had 2 bath towels hanging from the hook (come on, really?!) and where all of our wedding pictures had gone (off the walls and into the closet!).

Interestingly enough, we have always gotten along better during separations.. Mainly because I was always trying to nice him back, and he was just happy to be rid of his responsibilities. Today though, we got along.. and it wasn't because I want him back. It's because I don't care. I look at him and see my best friend..but that's it. He is no longer my H, because I haven't seen that man in a while..

He made a couple comments about how his life is "just dandy" which in his language means he's screwed. Things are falling apart all around him, and aside from the bills/vehicles that my name is on, I am not stepping in. Time for a reality check.. and this is just the beginning. The D papers will be his biggest wake up call. He told me he doesn't want "this" life, so "this" wife is no longer responsible for him.. only MY life.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

I guess it should be mentioned that he doesn't like when he loses control/power, or when I refuse to sit and pine for him. He's so used to me chasing him, begging and pleading.. I think this is a whole new experience for him.

It's new for me too. It's strange to finally feel DONE. To be able to look at him, smile and remember the good, but not hold out any hope that it will return. Maybe I can finally start appreciating it for what it was, while accepting that it is no longer that way.

Either way, it feels good to watch him walk back out the door and not fall apart. I just went about my business, and it actually felt good to have the house back to myself!


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

First Happy Mothers day CrazyBeautiful!!!
I bet you are a great mother for your daughter. 


Your last several posts tell me that you are DONE with your husband. Your resolve and actions indicate that you are on a path to new freedom and independence. I can only think that will be such a positive move for you even though you will have a rough time from time to time. You will have to deal with the residuals from your breakup, financial situations, your graduate schooling and of course raising your daughter. Many have done it and so can you.


*I hope that you keep us informed in your progress as it is encouraging to see a pitiful door mat become a strong solid door that keeps people like your husband outside of your life and provides the security that you and your daughter need on the inside of your life.*


Your husband is a punk because he chooses his girlfriends over his daughter and daughter’s mother. He causes havoc with his daughter’s mother and upsets the child’s emotions but he watches a movie with her. Does he think that his few hours that he watched a movie makes up for his abandonment of his family?


He helped you fix your truck, big deal that is trivial. Is he going to help fix the damage that he has done to his daughter? Will he still do what is best for his daughter even when you have divorced him? He is concerned about bath towels and wedding pictures when he has his girlfriends on his face book? It seems like your cheater husband may start having to live with his betraying consequences with you getting stronger and more independent. Your husband may wake up some day and make some changes so he can get you back but it sounds like he has pushed you so far that he will not be a real significant person in your life any more.


*You are proving that the very best action that a BS can take is to become more self reined and self sufficient*.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> First Happy Mothers day CrazyBeautiful!!!
> I bet you are a great mother for your daughter.
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for the Mother's Day wishes  It was a beautiful day, spent with my daughter and my mom!

I believe I am DONE with him finally. I can't see myself ever letting him back in, to my heart or my home. He can get in my head, but it's easy to kick him back out of there now! I just can't stand the thought of his actions and behaviors, but worse, I can't believe he actually think it's acceptable in his own brain. Makes me wonder...!

He tends to be pretty helpful on the one day a week he shows up, then disappears for the remainder of the week. I mean, if I really needed him, I'm sure he'd be around, but I DON'T NEED HIM ANYMORE! I think that's the part that drives him crazy. I could have watched a movie with my daughter alone. I could have fixed my truck, or had someone else do it for me. The point is, I no longer depend on him. Sure, it's nice if he comes around and helps me.. But I don't expect it, and never ask for it.

I don't think he sees the damage he has done. Sure, he knows that he hurt me, and that his daughter misses him. But he misses the big picture. I was a child of divorce, the same age as my daughter. Too young to remember details, but at this point, I can vividly remember years of resenting my father and never wanting to be around him. Now that I'm older and know the story, I only harbor more resentment towards him. My step-father has been in my life for almost 20 years, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and is the first person I call when I need my "dad". I can only hope that one day my daughter has someone like my step-father in her life one day.

I know my H is perfectly capable of making changes, especially when his new life fails and he needs to run home. Problem is, now I don't fall for it. Even in November when we decided to R, I always had reservations. I enjoyed the good days, but never let any of the bad slip by. In the past, I would pick my battles. Since November, I've put everything on the table. If it was unacceptable, hurtful, or just plain wrong, I told him and tried to work through it. It was HIS choice to lie and rugsweep, so I just continued to bring up the issues and try to resolve them.

He has indeed pushed too far. And if he ever tried to come home, I just don't see myself allowing that. I told my aunt the other day that I would give him a 6 month plan, a list of things I needed in order to consider R, and that he shall remain out of the house until the 6 month point. Then, when 6 months rolled around, I'd slam the door in his face and tell him he failed. I know that's cruel, but I also know that in 6 months, I wouldn't even be speaking to him lol


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Crazybeautiful

Glad you had a beautiful day with your daughter and mom.

Do not try to figure out what he believes go by what he DOES. ACTIONS always tell the truth!

*



Now that I'm older and know the story, I only harbor more resentment towards him.

Click to expand...

*You probably know what I am going to say but it is the truth. Your resentments will eat you up from the inside. Oh you can mask them but the resentment will spill over into every relationship you have. Taking actions to not let anyone make you a door mat is one positive move but you holding on to resentments is a HUGE negative. *Forgiveness is much more a positive for you than anyone else. Forgiveness is NOT getting justice for the perpetrator it is freeing you can fly.*

You may need help with forgiveness so do not be too prideful to get help. Forgiveness also involves the spiritual so do not block out that aspect.

The plan I was talking about was for you to get yourself better and stronger. Your 6-months plan is good for revenge but it will only give you temporary satisfaction and hold you back. * The best outcome will be if you get a lot better, more self sufficient, and free from emotional baggag*e. My plan focuses on you and your daughter and your husband is out of your mind, and emotion.


I know that is lot easier said than done but nothing about betrayal is easy. You have a choice to keep working on yourself until you are a complete winner or allow the injustices and hurts done to you to control your life.* Forget about what is fair and look at what will help you the most!*

Think of the time when these hurts and injustices will not burn in your emotions
Think of a time when he can no longer get into your head
Think of a time when his actions will affect you about as much as your old boyfriend from Jr. High or High School. Nada---ZILCH

Just think of all the money you will make with that post-graduate degree!


----------



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

:iagree: with Mr Blunt

Forgiveness is for you, not for the person being forgiven. It frees you of the hold the resentment has over you that will keep you tied to that person until you let it go.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

I have been working on feeling less resentment, and just spent an hour talking to my mom this morning about anger. I had anger issues when I was younger, and I have noticed them coming around again lately. I feel like I owe it to myself and my daughter to clear out the bitterness... So I am working on forgiveness.

I have spent a bit of time thinking through the things I resent him for, as well as the things I have done that I resent (mainly, sticking around for so long!). I have forgiven myself for making SO many mistakes, and believing SO many lies... and am working towards forgiving him for simply being him. If I tried to deny that this is part of his personality, I'd be lying to myself. Problem is, I always figured he'd outgrow it.

I'm starting to see the cage I've been living in during our relationship, and it got smaller since we married. I chose to ignore my feelings of being smothered and held back, instead focusing on improving our M.. Little did I realize, it would blow up in my face.

As I continue down this path, I've started to find my true value again.. Even though I have bad days, and I struggle, I know that I will get through this.. Failure is not an option.

So for now, my 6 month plan is basic. 
-Wake up each day thankful for what I have (mainly, my daughter and my life).
-Focus on my daughter, loving her through her bad days (she is 3 haha), nurturing and teaching her.
-Seek IC or some type of anger management, or divorce support group.
-Journal resentments, forgiveness, etc. (I refuse to contact him, but I'm a writer so I have to put it down somewhere).
-Secure employment to support myself and my daughter.
-Continue my education.

Also, I am in no hurry to burn a bunch of money on a divorce I didn't ask for..So for now, I'll wait til he pays and files. Within 6 months, I plan on doing it myself if needed.. As soon as I secure the funds for the lawyer I consulted with.

I can honestly say that for once in my life, D is looking far more appealing than R. While I wish he would change his ways and come home, I know better now. He is who he is, and I loved him for that at some point..I just outgrew it, and he didn't.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

So today I put together all of the paperwork for child support, it's the first step for me. I have all of the paperwork for the D, just going through it is overwhelming.

I decided to file for child support first, while I wade through all of the other paperwork. I found it extremely sad to select 1 day per weekend, which only ends up being 14% of time with our daughter. By marking that option, I was being generous. On average, my STBX spends 2-3 hours per week visiting my daughter... And never calls or checks in during the week. The only time he texts and asks how she's doing is when he needs something else, like his mail etc.

My daughter has been sick for almost 2 months, since before he moved out. She has had 3 ear infections and constant congestion, so each day is a struggle. She is about to go for surgery to put tubes in her ears and have her adenoids removed... Yet he thinks she's doing just fine. No need to check on her!

It's frustrating that he can be so disconnected 6 days a week, and when I brought this up to him over the past weekend he actually came over the next day to visit..
So 2 days in a row, shocker!!! He also said he'd come today, but flaked last night because he made plans to go to the gym. When I told him the other night that I was disappointed in his lack of visitation, he told me I was making him out to be a bad parent. Sadly, he's doing that himself.

I just make each day as awesome as possible for my daughter, and keep her active and happy. I can't force him to be involved, and I refuse to cover for him or make excuses. Now I just don't mention that he plans on coming by, because most of the time he doesn't show up. I wish for my daughters sake that he could step up... I just can't imagine going a day without her pretty little face, so I don't know how he makes it through each week!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> My daughter has been sick for almost 2 months, since before he moved out. She has had 3 ear infections and constant congestion, so each day is a struggle. She is about to go for surgery to put tubes in her ears and have her adenoids removed... Yet he thinks she's doing just fine. *No need to check on her!*



*Your husband is pathetic!*

He may have some good points but they are all not worth much if he will not even be there for his own daughter. He is about as attractive as tits on a boar hog!

Document his neglect of his daughter during her illness and use that in court when custody of your daughter is being decided.


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Oh I'm definitely documenting everything! I also found out that he's been drinking quite a bit, work nights and all.. Which helps explain why he's never around or always exhausted. He actually had the balls to tell me today that I'm an unfit mother because I do not work currently.

So according to him, money takes the place of love and attention.

On top of the name calling and rambling through empty threats, he also told me he's shorting child support this week just to be a d***.

So glad I submitted all of the child support paperwork today, he now has 20 days to respond. As for the D, he told me he consulted a lawyer (which I doubt) but ill be moving ahead on filing regardless. At least then I know it's done.

Trying hard not to fall apart tonight. Even though I know his words are empty, and he's projecting.... It still tears me apart to hear. Especially since he claims I'm unfit, yet he abandoned his daughter six weeks ago and never calls or sees her... So if I'm unfit, that makes him.....?

Ugh. I'm just bitter tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Get all the help that you can in your community/churches/friends and other places.
You need to be reinforced that you are a good woman and a good mother.* You do not believe that 100% or else your pathetic husband’s words would not upset you so much. He has no business judging you with his record and is a poor judge of people. If he was a good judge of people he would realize that he not supporting his own daughter is pathetic.



Get emotional and spiritual help and keep working on becoming finically independent of your husband. You may have a very rough life for the next several months or even a year or two but there is light at the end of your tunnel. Just get the right support for now so that you can complete your plan. We here at TAM can help you but only to a certain degree. You need face to face help right there on your community or church-Synagogue, etc


*What are you doing to get support for yourself?*


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

I spoke with my neighbor about a divorce support group at his church, so I'm looking into that. I am also working with my insurance and the county to see if I can find some type of low cost IC.

I have an extremely supportive family and group of close friends (other than the one who is informing STBX of every move).

I KNOW I'm a good mother, but I do have my days of doubt. Not that I'd ever believe he (or anyone else) would be better fit to raise my daughter... I believe every parent has moments where they feel that they aren't doing it right. With the way things have been, I question myself sometimes. But aside from his words, I don't typically fall into that dark place. My daughter is happy, healthy (aside from the ear infections), well loved and well taken care of. 

He on the other hand, wouldn't last an hour in my shoes.

All contact between the two of us has been restricted to email, only regarding visitation or legal stuff. I am having his number blocked by the phone company, as I do not deserve to be attacked whenever he has a bad day. If he wants to be immature, so be it. But I refuse to get involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Wow!

Saturday I took my daughter to the zoo for the first time. I guess STBX heard it through the grapevine and texted me to see a pic and tell me he was glad she had a good day. We then discussed visitation for Monday (today).

Three hours later I get several texts in a row, asking if I was busy and could he please come see his daughter. It turned slightly desperate, "things aren't ok, i really miss her and need to see her".. So I asked if this was his way of flaking on her for Monday's visit. He swore it wasn't so I let him drop by for 2 hours. It went well.

Fast forward to today. I tried calling to find out when he'd be visiting. I received a message from his roommate saying that he had returned home drunk at noon, and passed out after being out all weekend. Ok then. When I finally did receive a message, I was already on my way out to go bowling so I told him not to bother. He claimed he was too "sick and tired" to come by.

I took my little one bowling and she took a spill, crushed her hand with the ball. I ended up taking her to the ER and letting him know, in case he wanted to be there for her. When he reminded me that he was too "sick" to drive, I lit him up for being an irresponsible parent, and noted that he couldn't drive because of the DUI checkpoints, not his fake illness. He fired right back and we got into it, but I cut him short and took my daughter to the doctor.

I feel bad for breaking NC to fight with him. But I cannot believe that he'd play the broken hearted daddy card two nights ago, just to completely blow her off today. I actually felt bad, and hoped for her sake (and his) that he'd stick with it and visit more.

After his little drunken weekend, I decided I don't want him around for a while. I don't trust him alone with her, and when he comes here to visit he typically falls asleep or gets distracted by the TV or fixing things in the garage. Not cool. So until he gets his crap together, visits will be limited.

My other concern is the drinking. His dad is an alcoholic. So is his mom. My mom booted my dad out when I was 2 because he was an alcoholic. I feel somewhat depressed about my STBX turning to alcohol. He claims its all in fun and just a way to go out and let loose.. But I have a feeling he's drinking away some serious stuff. I know he's feeling the stress and hurt from leaving, in some way.. And I know it shouldn't bug me.. But he's my daughters dad. My dad chose the bottle over me. I can't stand the thought of my daughter losing her dad to the bottle too.

Ugh. On the bright side, her little hand is just fine and she's ready to go back to bowling!


----------



## movinonup (May 6, 2014)

Man, so sorry you're going through this. Just finished your threads today, and I feel so bad that you've had to go on such a roller coaster. Separated, divorce, reconciliation, divorce, now an absentee Dad. That really sucks. Been a few days now, are things looking up at all?


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Things are about the same... He's just trying to drag me through all of his drama, and not happy that I don't want any part of it.

We talked for a few minutes last week and decided to write up our own agreement to file with the D papers, and set a time to meet up for visitation. All went well, until he came by the house to grab some stuff... He actually thought I would have sex with him! I broke it down very simply: "I don't want to be with you, and you don't want to be with me. By having sex I'd be fooling my brain into thinking something has changed.. And in 2 days ill wake up and kick myself for doing it."

He didnt like being rejected, proceeded to start an argument, grab his stuff and leave. The next 24 hours were harsh, more rude texts and threats regarding child support and divorce. He now wants me to change my weekend plans to accommodate his, for some reason he wants my daughter for 12 hours Saturday when I've already scheduled an out of town trip. When I explained this to him, he claims I'm denying him time with her (after I offered half day for Friday and Saturday).

I'm just so over the rollercoaster, and jumped off a few weeks ago. Ever since he's tried to drag me back on. I'm not falling for it. He's still the same selfish jerk he was six months ago, and I know it won't ever be any different!

Plus, I've recently started hanging out with someone casually... And I'd much rather explore my options than go back to the same abusive situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

So basically. Tomorrow we're supposed to sit down and write up an agreement and complete the paperwork so he can file.

Sadly, aside from the drama we actually still can get along and had a blast taking our daughter somewhere fun the other day.

If we can just get ourselves together and write up this agreement, there would be nothing left to argue about!

I can see us being friends, once the ties are cut. Until then, one of us will continue to drag the other thru the mud and feel like we have a right to the other and their life. It's time to cut loose, we're both better off and we both see that. Untangling 8 years is hard, so is letting go. But it's healthier and happier this way. That's what I keep telling myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

Another update, although I don't think anyone is still reading!

For the past few weeks I have been dating an incredible man. We have known each other for about a year, and without even realizing it, we fell into something amazing. What started out as casual fun has evolved into something I never thought possible. These feelings..I never thought I'd feel them again. The happiness, there are no words to describe.

I have reached a great point with my STBXH and we have begun co-parenting well. We have started alternating weekends, which I originally thought would be devastating, but it has actually been great. It gives my D time with her daddy, and frees me up to have a social life which I had given up on years ago.

Although the situation is quite interesting, we're working through it well. He has met my BF previously, but now knows that things have gotten serious. The STBX also admitted to moving in with one of the women he spent hours on the phone with, but claims it's a totally causal roommate thing, and that he's actually talking to/dating an entirely different woman.

Aside from the lies about who he lives with, I'm actually ok with the situation. It makes me feel better knowing that there is a woman there, a mother, who has the instinct to care for my D if my STBX doesn't step up! We have talked several times, worked through a few of the more serious issues, and he finally apologized for the lying and misery of the end of the marriage.

We have yet to file the papers, but it is a work in progress. Instead, we are focusing on taking care of our daughter, eliminating drama, and building our new lives. We both openly admitted that we are happier apart, and that our friendship is far more important than trying to salvage our failed marriage. We are both happy, and our daughter has finally settled into her new routine. She is HAPPY, which means the world to me. And she has admitted that she prefers it this way, because mommy and daddy don't fight anymore. Keep in mind, she isn't even 4 yet! She's so perceptive, and it breaks my heart to know that the fighting bothered her so much. Especially since we rarely fought around her, but there was always a huge amount of tension in the home.

All in all, after 2 months of drama and chaos... I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I made it through, and we're all better off.


----------

