# Freaking OUt about school function with the STBXH



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, I have been trying really hard to stay dark to STBXH. I don't talk to him unless it is about the kids and that is it. If he asks me about financial info b/c we can't agree on child support and I am waiting to go to a lawyer until I get the funds together. 

So, my daughter starts kindergarden and I am so emotional about that b/c my baby is growing up but I am also stressing about having to do all this with him. I asked him if I could take her in the morning and he could pick her up and he wanted to be there in the morning, which I understand. Then I found out about the kindergarden orientation for the families and the new parent meeting the first day of school and I am freaking out. I am an emotional person when it comes to my kids, so I am going to be emotional to begin with and now to add that he will be there with me through all of this, I am really freaking out.

I know that this sounds so silly to some but for me, who struggles when I am around him but better when I don't have to be around him at all, this is a huge deal for me. He knows a lot of people in town b/c of his job and we have always ran into someone everywhere we go. At our last family function that we had to go to together we ran into some guests that he knew and I got bombarded with how questions about how it was to be married to a bartender and someone so great, blah, blah, blah. He was standing next to me and I just froze b/c I didn't know what to say. 

Has anyone else had to go through with this and how did you answer questions and what did you do. It isn't like I can avoid him. I know I can introduce him as my daughter's father but how do I hold myself together on such an important day for my daughter. She is the one that this should be about and I can hide my tears and blame that occasion for my tears but I need to keep my mouth shut about saying anything negative to him. 

I just don't know how to react or what to do or how to stay away from talking to him about anything outside of her. This is two weeks away and I am trying so hard to just plan for anything and everything so I don't do anything wrong ... does this make sense, lol?

Here is some of my background:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...54-please-help-me-stay-strong-going-dark.html


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Go talk to the principal and/or school counselor before school starts. Tell them you are in the middle of a divorce. They will appreciate hearing from you upfront. They will ask if there is a custody order and tell them yes or no. Lots of schools send separate communications to divorced parents. This will also give the school a heads up should your daughter have any adjustment issues. Then go the orientation-separately, don't sit with him if you don't want to. Keep your head held high. You can do it.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

No experience with this so take it with a grain of salt.

Go to the event alone. It might be better to show up right at the start time so you can control who you sit with. If he is waiting outside tell him you think it would be best to sit separately.

If he attempts to sit with you, quietly and calmly(easier said than done, I know) let him know you "Do not think it is appropriate (substitute "necessary?) to sit together for this event.

If he sits with you anyway, cause most jerks will, let him know that you would prefer to keep any conversation limited to your child.

Be strong,
Stretch

PS Very impressive to be managing these encounters weeks in advance.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Go talk to the principal and/or school counselor before school starts. Tell them you are in the middle of a divorce. They will appreciate hearing from you upfront. They will ask if there is a custody order and tell them yes or no. Lots of schools send separate communications to divorced parents. This will also give the school a heads up should your daughter have any adjustment issues. Then go the orientation-separately, don't sit with him if you don't want to. Keep your head held high. You can do it.


Awesome advice! This is what I did with my daughter's school and they were understanding and supportive. Unfortunately they see this VERY often and are pros in dealing with it. Good luck!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A friend of mine has 3 kids and what she did was yes talk to the school and let them know she was going through a divorce. She didn't communicate to him about school functions as that was no longer her job. He did show up but she didn't talk or sit with him. NO CONTACT was the way she went. She treated him like another parent there that she didn't know.

The good news is it's kindergarten. EVERYONE is emotional when they send their baby off to school so if you cry no one will think anything of it. I see all those moms sniffling as they leave the building and I nod knowingly. I'd have no idea they were crying over a divorce.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> A friend of mine has 3 kids and what she did was yes talk to the school and let them know she was going through a divorce. She didn't communicate to him about school functions as that was no longer her job. He did show up but she didn't talk or sit with him. NO CONTACT was the way she went. She treated him like another parent there that she didn't know.
> 
> The good news is it's kindergarten. EVERYONE is emotional when they send their baby off to school so if you cry no one will think anything of it. I see all those moms sniffling as they leave the building and I nod knowingly. I'd have no idea they were crying over a divorce.


I am holding onto the fact that it is an emotional day for most parents and if I am crying, that I can blame in on that. I really think that I am ok with going and will not plan on meeting him anywhere and will not sit with him or anything like that. It will be hard, but it will also benefit me in the long run and I can only worry about myself right now along with my kids! THanks fo rthe advice!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Go talk to the principal and/or school counselor before school starts. Tell them you are in the middle of a divorce. They will appreciate hearing from you upfront. They will ask if there is a custody order and tell them yes or no. Lots of schools send separate communications to divorced parents. This will also give the school a heads up should your daughter have any adjustment issues. Then go the orientation-separately, don't sit with him if you don't want to. Keep your head held high. You can do it.


I agree with this and will actually be going to the school next week and talk with them about this. I also hope to be able to talk with my daughters teacher to let her know too so there are no awkward situations or conversations that we have to have on orientation night. THanks for the advice!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Stretch said:


> No experience with this so take it with a grain of salt.
> 
> Go to the event alone. It might be better to show up right at the start time so you can control who you sit with. If he is waiting outside tell him you think it would be best to sit separately.
> 
> ...


THanks so much Stretch. I have been working in IC about what to expect before it happens. It is like a pattern and so if I prepare myself for it then I can handle it better. I prepare for the worst and if it isn't that bad, then it is a relief and if it gets bad, I have a plan in action. This has really helped me!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Tell everyone the truth. 

I say: He's actually my ex-husband - we're going through a divorce. I tell people all the time when they make assumptions that we are (still) married, and I say it in front of the ex if he is there.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know I don't, I was not what one who lied, cheated, humiliated his family and got someone (his daughter's friend) else pregnant while married.

I tell people about my divorce with pride. The stock standard response I get from people is "oh - I'm sorry". 

I say "its ok, I'm not".


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> I tell people about my divorce with pride. The stock standard response I get from people is "oh - I'm sorry".
> 
> I say "its ok, I'm not".


Me too BBT...that is my standard response!! I will never be sorry about divorcing the pos.

Hang in there, sherri...talk to school, go and hold your head high and be there for your child! You are doing a great job handling the sitch!


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