# Am I asking too much?



## candygirl99 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years. We have a 4 year old little boy together. 

A year ago - my husband hit me with a bombshell... he was not happy, did not love me anymore, and wanted a divorce. I had thought we were a little stressed with both of us working FT and our son. He had no emotions when he delivered the revelation. He claimed he had worked through the decision over the prior year on his own. He just wanted to work out the logistics and move on. He refused counseling and just plain didn't want to talk about anything regarding the relationship. He moved to a separate bedroom in our home.

After 5 months of intense arguing - I couldn't take it any more. He was taking no action to move forward with a divorce. I went to a consultation with a lawyer myself. The day after I went... he told me "he was willing to give things some time and see how the relationship would go." Desperate to hold my family together... I agreed. He said he would go to counseling as well.


Another 6 months pass to today. I feel like I really put my heart out there... I kiss him goodbye in the morning, bought thoughtful christmas and birthday gifts, initiated sex more often, I made an effort to clean our home more, cook at home more, use coupons - all things which he said he wanted. Yet - I feel like we are simply roommates who have sex occasionally. And it is just sex. I don't think I have really kissed my husband in over a year. We get along... when we don't discuss our relationship. I set up counseling and he didn't show up 2 months ago. 

As a sidenote - He is constantly online (facebook, truck forums, etc) and carries his phone 100% of the time. When we were arguing earlier... I removed my relationship status totally from my facebook profile. I have since replaced mine when we agreed to "see how things would go"... he has not. I have even directly asked him to change his to married and told him it makes me upset. He says he doesnt want to... and won't change it to make a point since I removed it first. He also has passwords on all his devices... and says he hates when he thinks I am spying on him and has the passwords to keep me from being nosey. He says he is not cheating on me in any way.

I have had it. I approached my H and told him I want a real relationship and marriage. I need more. He told me he was fine with how things are... and didn't want to talk about it. He said he we had just "lived together" for so many years before... he was fine and will continue to go on this way. I told him that I need a commitment from him to really try to reconnect and work on our marriage... or I was going to a lawyer to start the process to divorce. I am just so fed up with his refusal to communicate with me...

Am I wrong to want more? Should I just continue to live with my H for the sake of my son? We get along OK most of the time when I don't ask for more of a relationship. Am I asking for too much from him OR am I in denial... and need to continue the steps to start a divorce?


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

He's definitely cheating on you. Could even be a non-physical affair, but the bottom line of it all is that he is not happy with the current relationship. It also sounds like something happened with his affair and you're the backup plan. That wouldn't make me feel that great either.

You are both responsible for the state of the marriage, letting things go and not putting any effort into it. 

Continue the steps to start a divorce. Life's too short to be unhappy. 

I just wish my wife would have the common decency to put the effort in like you have. I would not even be thinking about leaving at this point, but its even more apparent that she's just hanging on.


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## candygirl99 (Feb 6, 2012)

I agree 100% we are both responsible for the state of our marriage.

I guess what I'm upset about is his lack of communication with me. I mean if you don't want to be with me... just flipping tell me. 

Telling me "we will see how the relationship goes" and not putting in effort isn't cool. I wish he would just be honest with me... and not string my hopes along.

It is just wrong to stay with me because he doesn't want to face the reprecussions of a divorce (child support, not seeing his son daily, etc).


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If yo ureally wnt to get a divorce then you should go through ith it. His fine with the way your relationship is because he is not putting any input towards it. It takes two to make a marriage work from what you have written its quite obvious that you are doing it all alone. You shouldnt be together for the sake of your son thats wrong yeah let him be a part of your sons life but if your staying togther because of your son its wrong. Your clearly not happy and i dont blame you I think you should consider your options do you want to stay in a marriage thats just noty going anywhere or do you want to move on with your life and make it better for both you and your son.


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## candygirl99 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't want a divorce... thats my issue. I care about my husband. I made a vow to to be with him forever.

My issue is he is not talking to me either way. No conversation as to what he wants. 

I am at my wits end... and feel like I am being pushed to see an attorney or loose my mind.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Your husband has:

-repeatedly refused to communicate with you
-refuses to engage in your relationship and marriage 
-has refused to go to counseling
-has password-protected his phone, is online constantly 
-refuses to change any of his behaviors in any way despite all of the work you seem to be putting into reconciling. It sounds like he is deep in the fog of an affair and is keeping you hanging on as a second option, which you should not be as his wife.

At the very least, he mayan EA going on, that may or may not have gone physical. From what you've written, you have done all that any committed spouse could do to keep a dying relationship going and he has steadfastly done nothing. It's time to start looking out for yourself. You might still love him, but he obviously doesn't respect you nor the marriage. 

I'd say that it's time to talk to a lawyer about divorce unless you want to spend more years in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage with an uncaring, disengaged husband.


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## candygirl99 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ok. Here is my update. 

Last night I put my son to bed... and I seduced my H. I told him I love him, want us both to really try to make our relationship work, and asked him to really try to make an effort on his part.

I know I am probably a little stupid for throwing sex into the mix and using it to get a response from my H. I also know that his answers may be partially skewed because of what we were doing.

BUT - About a year ago... when he was dead set on a divorce... he refused any attempt I made to initiate sex. So I think if he didnt want to agree to try... he would have just turned me down for sex AND either not responded or said no he wouldnt try? In the end there was not alot of discussion... but he did agree to make an effort.

I know some of you will think I am being stupid by not seeing the signs and moving forward. But we do get along, we have a great son that neither of us wants to give up time with... we just need to both really make a real effort to see if we can reconnect. If he says he will try... I feel like I at least need to see if he means it.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

candygirl99 said:


> I have been married for 10 years. We have a 4 year old little boy together.
> 
> A year ago - my husband hit me with a bombshell... he was not happy, did not love me anymore, and wanted a divorce. I had thought we were a little stressed with both of us working FT and our son. He had no emotions when he delivered the revelation. He claimed he had worked through the decision over the prior year on his own. He just wanted to work out the logistics and move on. He refused counseling and just plain didn't want to talk about anything regarding the relationship. He moved to a separate bedroom in our home.
> 
> ...


IMO you are definitely not asking to much! You didn't ask for a roommate you agreed to a marriage! To be honest I think you h did go to an attorney and found out that it's cheaper to keep ya!! He would have to pay alimony and child support split all assets in half or more depending on which state you live in. I completely understand your desperate desire to keep your family together ( I have that same desire). I am starting to think that it's something in the water that only affects men!!!:lol::lol::lol: Not sure why it's so hard for some of them to communicate!! But it is definitely soooo frustrating!!! 

Good luck!!! And BTW if you figure out the communication thang POST IT!!!!!


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