# Catch-22?



## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Been married 15-plus years. The last five plus years now its been a sexless marriage. Even before that it was once every couple months for a few years. Sex finally ended when I got tired of the no's and I'm tired's and not tonite's and so I stopped initiating. 

Lots of other issues to address in the marriage, but sex is one of them. If the marriage is to be resurrected, this issue will have to be fixed. Granted, I dont fully understand her lack of interest in sex but am trying to find out. Have heard from some people, just do it. Fake it till you make it as it were. Rekindle the sexual relationship and other issues can possibly resolve easier since intimacy may be restored. Plausible theory.

Problem now is, lack of attraction. Between attitude changes, weight gain and yes several years of resentments, I am not attracted to her right now. 

How in the heck do you try to start having sex with someone you aren't attracted to? Why would you? Has anyone else done this?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Are you still in love with her?


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Are you still in love with her?


Ah.....the $64,000 question. I don't know. Like I said, there are other things that need to be fixed as well. I hope to answer the question as we try to work on and through the issues.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Start with thinking about all the reasons you love your wife - there had to be attraction at some point. Focus on those things.

Communicate these resentments/frustrations, get in to marriage counseling.


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## greg54 (Nov 2, 2012)

Lead by example. If you want her to be more attractive, work out yourself (if you don't already). Most women will start working out themselves when they see their husband getting in better shape.The same goes for eating healthy. If you want her to behave more sexually, act more alpha. There are excellent resources on this board on how to do this.

Do some reading on Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and get the primer book. Make yourself an attractive man and learn what really grabs a woman's sexual interest (it's not doing the dishes, luckily). Then if she still doesn't respond, at least you're in a better position to cut loose and find someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

On her best day she was acting like a wife once every couple months? Why bother? Do you even remember being happy? You've invested 15 years and that's sad, but not as sad as 30. Maybe you can squeeze a crumb or two more out of her but why drag an unwilling person through life? She's known every day for 15 years what you wanted. She'd rather have a cupcake than a contented partner or a peaceful, happy relationship.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

"Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" is a book which walks you through a process of analyzing exactly where you are at.

Is there any chance of a history of sex abuse or assault in her past? Physically or emotionally abusive parents? Alcoholic or personality disordered parent? If so it is a major contributor to her dysfunction and it explains a lot of her side of the problems. These are not things which you can resolve or which she can overcome by herself.

What has kept you there for so long? Has anything changed recently for you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whatever cobwebs she has between her ears, she had them when she said "I do" and she's had 15 years of marriage to get them cleared out. I have tons of sympathy for victims of all stripes, but when someone accepts a marriage proposal they are saying they are capable of being a married partner, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Don't get married, waste decades of another human being's life, and try to excuse the failure by "my alcoholic dad didn't let me go to the prom". I would feel differently if she started off as a squared away wife, suffered some major trauma, and then couldn't function as a wife due to emotional or psych issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find a MC who is also a sex therapist. Give the marriagei 6 months. If things do not improve you know you did what you could and move on.


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