# Sexless marriage, affair, now what?



## mr_confused (Oct 14, 2011)

So after 10 or so years of struggling with intimacy issues, last 4 completely sexless, me having and affair, her finding out - it seems I have deferred making a decision long enough, but I do need help.

The marriage is basically a roommate situation. We never fight - it seems more because nobody cares enough than it is because there aren't issues to resolve. We live in denial..... We peacefully co-exist but we do not touch, kiss, and we certainly don't do anything "intimate".

I made a mistake and started an affair with someone I knew. Feelings have developed. Terrible terrible decision...OBVIOUSLY. I know I should have left or fixed my marriage before being involved with anyone, but I did....I can't undo it. I stupidly thought sex was all that was missing, wanted to maintain full-time parental role, and financially it would be tough on everyone including my child. I did talk to my wife multiple times about the impact no kissing touching, cuddling, sex was having on me but we couldn't find that feeling....in fact I am afraid it is gone.

As an FYI, she knows about the affair. She doesn't fault me, she said she understands why I would. I did deny having feelings for the OW. That was 3 months ago, she hasn't even brought it up since then. No inquiries about if it is over, how many times, etc.. - stuff I would expect someone in love and betrayed or deeply hurt to want to know. It's weird. I have checked and I don't think she is in an affair - possible more weird. I honestly believe she just has lost any desire to be intimate, with me or anyone. She simple doesn't want or need such things. For a brief period she would give in to my advances, but having sex with someone uninterested is in many ways worse than not having it. 

Also, I'd say I'm a decent man (yeah I know - I had an affair)....but in terms of looks, being helpful around the home, with the child, high income, good provider, run rrrands, responsible, maintain the home, cook, etc..

I don't know what to do... I have been in counseling, suggested my wife do the same, she has no interest. She was open to MC, but I told her I need to first figure out if I want to fix it - perhaps I am wrong, but I don't see a point in going unless I am going to commit to fixing our issues.

The problem for me is that after 10 or so years of being basically friends, I don't desire her that way. I'm pretty sure she feels the same since I can't remember the last time she sought any intimacy from me, must be 7 or so years.

It's pretty messed up. We are in fact great friends, we met after high school, nearly 25 years ago. Somewhere along the way we grew apart, far apart, and I don't think it can ever come back. At the same time there is no fighting, no verbal abuse, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, drug abuse - the things that are definite "get out" signs.

It's sort of an odd question, but do you leave simply because you don't have any romantic love? I do love her like a family member, would only want the best or her always, but I don't "love love" her, not the way that seems appropriate in a marriage. 

I am not viewing leaving as something I'd do for his OW - if things worked out so be it, if not, so be it. I need to do what is best for me, but I am incredibly torn. I just don't think I can live a life absent of romance and physical intimacy and I can't live a life as a cheater having affairs.

Any advice is welcomed. Sorry for rambling......


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your situation sounds very familiar. With the only exception being that my stbxw never found out that I had cheated. In my case, there was enough other issues beyond the intimacy that I didn't see a future with her, so I chose to end it.

In hindsight (9 months later) I still believe it was the right decision for me. I'm happier and less stressed than I've been in years, and friends have commented on that. And because we separated on good terms, the kids are adjusting to the new reality very well, it seems. I don't think that would be the case if I would have stuck around to the point that we were at each others throats. The resentments and frustrations were definately pushing me there, though.

Good luck with your decision, whatever it is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ukurac (Jul 25, 2015)

my situation is similar no sex for past 20 yrs but life goes on new get along there is everything else great except that one most "important" thing sex. Well a lot of masturbating , internet is great you can have sex with different girl every day, and not cheating . Ha Ha 
Hang in there there is more to life and love than sex I know I been there 60 yrs


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