# What does non-committed sex mean to a man?



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

It means I'm horney and your horney we both think eachother are hot so lets ****.

See ya next time

Not really ready for the whole relationship thing. But still would like some ass!


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Yea, I used to be in the camp that placed women on pedestals and felt that sex was just for love and that I couldn't really let a woman know I was like all those other guys that only wanted to bed her. I was special like that - haha.

I for the most part avoided sex before I got married for the very reasons the OP stated. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make that commitment. The few ONS I had (2) both left me dazed and confused over what it could possibly mean, given my mindset. I simply couldn't fathom that some women simply enjoyed sex for the fun of it.

I married my wife and she largely confirmed to me that women didn't really like sex.

After my divorce I had a "Come to Jesus" moment, when I realized that women are just like me (well some are at least willing to admit it) and they just enjoy sex because it is fun. Almost every woman I have met since my divorce absolutely enjoy it. 

I am in my 50's and I tend to date only women around my age. Most of these women have been thru menopause. The last one I met told me that she uses her ***** for recreation not procreation and she just wants to have fun. She doesn't understand why so many woman and a lot of men place all sorts of attachments on something so enjoyable.

So she dates guys. If there is a connection there is a connection. If there isn't there isn't.

Other than that I am on the same page as ChillyMorn69


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I guess to add, I don't understand the two extremes. All or nothing. 

Completely abstaining out or compulsively screwing anything that moves (and probably some that doesn't)


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Different here! There must be a firm relationship of some kind with them (i.e., Marriage, Committed Relationship, BF/GF).

I look upon that person as being someone who is totally special to me; someone who I want to share that heartfelt and loving recreational act with them, and only them, out of due respect for their feelings and their due respect of mine!

Sorry, but I know it's just a trait of my proud Southern upbringing that I feel totally honored to have been taught to follow over the due course of time!

And I make absolutely no apologies for it!*


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

"I'm just curious why most men engage in non-committed sex and what it meant to them?"

Doesn't really mean anything for me. I have only done it a couple times and it wasn't satisfying at all. I highly doubt I could do it again.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Machjo said:


> I'm wondering how atypical I man in how I've approached sex in non-committed relationships in the past, or how typical it was.
> 
> ...I avoided sex with women out of a fear of developing emotional dependency. Even without experiencing it, I knew instinctively that I'd feel 'obligated' to a woman if I had sex with her. So to avoid putting myself in such an emotionally vulnerable position, I just avoided sex with women.
> 
> ...


OK, I am a guy. My primary love language is touch. I like to express my appreciation of a woman through touch and I love being touched by a woman. It makes me feel emotionally good. Touch is not sex, but touch can lead to foreplay and that can lead to sex. 

Sex by its nature feels really good. Sexual arousal and orgasm leads to the release of lots of feel good sex hormones and bonding chemicals into your brain. Sex is called making love for a real reason, it can through the release of hormones and chemicals create feelings of emotional attachment. That is the real reason you should be careful in selecting your sex partners as they can quickly become far more than ONS's.

Why engage in non-committed sex? Well kind of depends on what you mean by "non-committed." When I was an undergraduate in college, I had the hopes, dreams and sacrifice of my parents helping to fund my college education and my also working my way through college. I was second generation citizen and first generation college. 

I couldn't afford emotionally to drop out of college or to have to marry some woman I got pregnant and yet I too had social and sexual needs and desires. Finding women who were in a similar situation was a mutually beneficial relationship for both of us. We knew what we each wanted, we knew that we were each marriage material and yet we were not demanding friendship rings or engagement rings. Parents and friends would approve of who we "dated." We were not ashamed to be seen in public with each other, we liked each other and we were friends (with benefits). So it was a "commitment of sorts," but not the kind of commitment that is designed to lead to marriage.

It felt good, we both benefited, It allowed us to attend functions where dates were required. It allowed us to cry on someone's shoulder to have someone to call when we needed help. We knew that if the other found someone they fell in love with that we would be the odd man out. Still our educations and future careers were what was important to each of us at the time. One such lady who I really enjoyed eventually fell in love with a guy and married him. We remained friends for many years after that and eventually drifted apart, but still friends.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I know for me I was very much like what you describe as when feelings developed I pulled away. I was cheated on and left and it was a huge blow to the ego and self worth. It was hard to reconcile how I had done the right things in marriage and was still getting divorced. I was still under the Illuison that so long as you did the right things your spouse would always love you...clearly not true.

So I was hurt and empty inside and the only thing that made me feel better was the Attention of women and boy did I get it. I had one night stands, threesomes, multiple partners, FB, FWB. When one started to feel something I bounced. I never lied about what I was looking for and many of them were looking for the same thing, just simple connection/a distraction from the pain. This was out of character for me as my x wife was only my 2nd sexual partner. A lot of drinking was involved as well  

So after about 2 years of this I finally figured out no matter how many I slept with I was never going to feel good about it or myself so I stopped. I started working on me, went to counseling, worked on my career and turned things around.

I don’t look down on People who have casual sex it just wasn’t and isn’t for me now.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Female perspective here. I've done the casual sex thing, and 1) with one or two specific exceptions, it was never all that great; 2) showed me that I have a strong preference for emotional connection with my sex.

The only times I've pursued casual sex was when I was going longer-than-normal between relationships, and I was so pent up that I thought I would go crazy if I didn't get some sex [with a partner]. The point where masturbation isn't cutting it, where the masturbation makes you feel worse than better. You can have all the toys in the world--and I have some very good ones--but at the end of the day, it's not the same as having a living, breathing person in bed with you.

I'm in a LTR now, and I'm quite happy now that I've got the emotional connection with my sex. If he and I break up some point down the road, I know I won't be ready for a new relationship right away, and would likely engage in some casual sex after that, even though it's not my preferred mode, before getting into another relationship.

Bear in mind that I speak on behalf of myself only, and not for all women.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This man couldn't do it. I just don't think of sex that way. It's way too personal for me.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

For me it means a good time, if its a one night stand obviously neither of you was thinking relationship anyway even though sometimes it happens, if you're dating and up front about what your intentions are and she is on board with it, nothing wrong with that either. As long as you're not hurting anyone I say have fun. Life is too short not to. With that said it absolutely is better when there is a connection, but I don't see the point of waiting around on that.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I had some casual sex before marriage. Some relationships, with strong emotional ties with the sex.

Marriage. And some swinging, which is casual sex, while married.

I was never forced to do anything. No one could have coerced me.

The sex with emotional attachments is better for me. But the casual sex was fun. I have no regrets. They were all wonderful women, and I truly, truly, appreciate the gift they gave me of allowing me to make love to them.

Yes, even the girlfriend who cheated on me and I never saw again. The gift of sex she gave me was a blessing, and I will never think otherwise.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Machjo said:


> What are other men's experiences with one night stands, sex early on in a relationship, or other forms of non-committed or no-strings-attached sex?


I prefer NSA sex with trusted partners, never enjoyed ONSs. Problem I found, is that almost all women are simply incapable of having a FWB relationship without emotional attachment.



> Did you do it just for the physical pleasure of it?


Yes, but not just the sex, I enjoy the romance, foreplay, teasing, flirting, all that comes with it. You don't get that with ONSs.



> Did you do it under pressure or out of a fear of a woman walking away if you didn't give her the sex she wanted?


Only woman I ever 'compromised' for in such a manner would be my ex-wife. It was because of commitment.

Either than that, in non-committed relationships? meh



> Were you seeking it compulsively?


NSA/FWB sex is like the middle ground between a love-relationship and one night stands, so I'm not sure if it can be considered compulsive.



> How did it affect you emotionally?


Myself, meh, the women though? Many end up being disappointed that no matter how great our chemistry and love life, I could not give them what they wanted; aka a love-relationship. Many times when our arrangements end we part very amicably and look back on our experiences fondly, some however, felt used and cut contact. I just go "ok... whatever" and move on.



> I'm just curious why most men engage in non-committed sex and what it meant to them?


Some of just us prefer our freedom rather than the ball and chain. My ideal relationship would be a great friend who has her own life and we spend time every now and then enjoying each others company, but without any of the promises, or commitments or expectations or restrictions.


----------



## lindee (Feb 22, 2018)

my husband left several months ago for three nights stayed in another couples home I think he slept with another woman a one night stand I have asked him again and again but he denies sleeping with anyone will not tell me any details on yhose days he was gone. I think he did, someone give me some input on getting the truth from him


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lindee said:


> my husband left several months ago for three nights stayed in another couples home I think he slept with another woman a one night stand I have asked him again and again but he denies sleeping with anyone will not tell me any details on yhose days he was gone. I think he did, someone give me some input on getting the truth from him


Yea, stop talking to him about it. He's never going to admit cheating until you have hard evidence. And even then he will lie in the face of the evidence. That's what most cheaters do.

Just stop talking, watch and listen. Keep an eye on his cell phone, computer, and what he's up to. When you stop talking he'll think your got over it and start getting sloppy with evidence if he's cheating.

If he cheated that one time, it's probably not the only time he cheated. The very fact that he left for 3 days and will not tell you what he was up to is, in my opinion, enough to divorce him. How can you stay married to a man who lies and hides things from you?

There is also another way to look at this. If he cannot be open with you about those days, then that is proof enough that he cheated.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> This man couldn't do it. I just don't think of sex that way. It's way too personal for me.


I'm right there with you.
I think men, regardless of popular opinion, are much quicker to become emotionally attached to a women than a woman to a man.
So yeah there's no such thing as casual sex.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I would recommend a kindle book called "the book of pook" by pook

It will answer your questions. Ignoring any mental/psychological reasons why you feel this way.. it will help you get a more realistic perspective on sex and male/female relationships


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"It's a forever thing!" (Miles o'keefe from 'the drifter',1988)


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I have very little experience with this and it is a great topic that I wished that I'd asked about after my divorce. For me, I just wanted some ass. But after a couple of ONS it was weird and unsatisfying. Hard to explain. Except for those two, I'd only ever been with my XWW. I'd been hit on a lot (to include two married women going through a divorce, which freaked me out), but I just lost interest in the hit-it-and-quit-it scenario. 

Now I've been seeing someone VERY regularly for the past couple of months and I really, really like her. I know it's soon after the divorce and I didn't intend to "get involved" like this so fast. We went on a half dozen dates before we got intimate. We get along so well and the sex is freakin' amazing. We laugh, talk, tease, sleep naked (my XWW went to bed like she was dressing for an arctic storm), etc. and it is fun to have all of that as part of a sexual relationship. From my experience so far the casual sex thing just isn't for me, and that was very surprising because I thought I'd feel differently.

She is out of town on a business trip and we talked for 4 hours last night. She had two short relationships since her divorce 6 years ago and that's been it. She said several times last night about how much fun she's having and hasn't felt this good about herself in a very long time. She gets back today and she is blowing up my phone with texts the likes of which I'd never thought I'd see on MY phone LOL. She is in for it when she gets here this afternoon. You just can't get that with a casual encounter.

I guess sex just turned out to be far more personal for me than I thought it would be.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

In light of some of the previous posts, I think that also for me that a committed relationship is best. But I am not willing to settle just to be in a committed relationship, so the only other alternative, if you enjoy sex is to be in a more casual relationship, that might mean a short term fling, a FB, a FWB or even a ONS. Perhaps not optimal, but certainly better than nothing. I also think that denial of natural urges is one of the driving motivators in some people settling for less than they actually want. And no, rubbing one off just doesn't do the job (see FIPs post above if you need me to explain it)


----------



## biwing (Feb 2, 2017)

I have had 'casual' sex but only after I was married and none of it was cheating. 
They were mostly friends, mine or wife's. I never felt or let a connection happen as I was deeply in love, and still am with my wife. (49 yrs married) 
All of the other women were with my wife's knowledge beforehand in the form of MFM's, MFF's, FFM's and MMF's with a couple of FWB's. It was all about the sexual release for each person, not for anything more. Mutually, everyone understood where we weren't going from it.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

StillSearching said:


> I'm right there with you.
> *I think men, regardless of popular opinion, are much quicker to become emotionally attached to a women than a woman to a man.*
> So yeah there's no such thing as casual sex.


:|


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I've had maybe three or four ONSs in my past. I never really enjoyed them. I'm MUCH more into committed relationships.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

sokillme said:


> This man couldn't do it. I just don't think of sex that way. It's way too personal for me.


Ditto. Never have, doubt I ever would. And I'm a raging HD who positively loves everything about sex.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I prefer ongoing relationships, but they don't need to be committed - they can be casual, or FWB. ONS can be fun, but if so, I'd want repeat encounters. Ongoing relationships or repeated encounters usually lead to better sex for both of us, because there is time and opportunity to find what works best for the greatest enjoyment.

Basically, sex is good fun - I just want us both to be on the same page regarding expectations (or lack thereof). Ideally, I want great sex AND a great relationship, but when that isn't available, great sex and friendship (i.e., FWB) will do nicely.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> I prefer ongoing relationships, but they don't need to be committed - they can be casual, or FWB. ONS can be fun, but if so, I'd want repeat encounters. Ongoing relationships or repeated encounters usually lead to better sex for both of us, because there is time and opportunity to find what works best for the greatest enjoyment.
> 
> Basically, sex is good fun - I just want us both to be on the same page regarding expectations (or lack thereof). Ideally, I want great sex AND a great relationship, but when that isn't available, great sex and friendship (i.e., FWB) will do nicely.


Couldn't agree more! FWB > ONS anyday!

Sex is better, safer, and there can be romance, teases, jokes, flirts... all the fun stuff! 

Only problem with it are the potential emotions that develop.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Couldn't agree more! FWB > ONS anyday!
> 
> Sex is better, safer, and there can be romance, teases, jokes, flirts... all the fun stuff!
> 
> Only problem with it are the potential emotions that develop.


I don't see a problem with emotions developing. That's a silly myth, IMO. IF they do, they may be returned - or not. If not, that's no different than "typical" dating relationships, most of which end because one loses interest eventually, or romance/love doesn't develop. Emotions of friendship, respect, caring, etc., are good things to have grow. Whether or not it's FWB, you always take a risk with your emotions.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> I don't see a problem with emotions developing. That's a silly myth, IMO. IF they do, they may be returned - or not. If not, that's no different than "typical" dating relationships, most of which end because one loses interest eventually, or romance/love doesn't develop. Emotions of friendship, respect, caring, etc., are good things to have grow. Whether or not it's FWB, you always take a risk with your emotions.


For the last few months I put myself through self-imposed guilt on not being able to reciprocate the feelings of my ex-FWB-turned-GF. It's kept me isolated from the game. Now the game has followed me to somewhere I didn't want it to follow (not going to mention it here). She handled it well, but the experience reminded me of the women who didn't. I remain fond of all of them whom I had relations with, I respected them, treated them as best I could. Now I question this guilt, it seems born of society's expectations that a man should love a woman, and if a man can't love a woman but sleeps with her he is using her. Perhaps that is outdated thinking, I don't know.

What do you think?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Now I question this guilt, it seems born of society's expectations that a man should love a woman, and if a man can't love a woman but sleeps with her he is using her. Perhaps that is outdated thinking, I don't know.
> 
> What do you think?


Women have agency, and can choose for themselves if they want to have sex with a man. They are adults, and entirely capable of evaluating potential consequences of their choices. Moving forward, they are accepting responsibility for themselves. If both are honest with each other (to the extent they each know what they want and think about the situation), then no one is using anyone. 

Of course, if either party is being dishonest with their intentions, that would be wrong. The problem is that sometimes intentions and feelings change, and inertia and uncertainty keep things going along the same path, despite the feeling that a different outcome is desired. That's human nature - to be unsure, and to want to keep what you have until it's very clear that you need to act. The idea that a man always uses a woman if he doesn't love her is nonsensical. We also know that many women use men in various ways, by settling for someone they don't truly love. It's complicated, of course, so the best we can do is be as honest with ourselves and each other as we can manage, and be observant of your partner to see if their behaviors match their words.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Women have agency, and can choose for themselves if they want to have sex with a man. They are adults, and entirely capable of evaluating potential consequences of their choices. *Moving forward, they are accepting responsibility for themselves.*


That's the thing, so many women don't. Then again, don't blame them, many cultures still shame them for multiple lovers. Also based on culture it still seems expected for the men to be the 'gentleman', taking responsibility for others, protect women yadda yadda.



> If both are honest with each other (to the extent they each know what they want and think about the situation), then no one is using anyone.


Agreed - a good mentality to have, but surprisingly not a common mentality however. 

*sigh*


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> That's the thing, so many women don't


If they've grown up in western culture, and believe in the equality of the sexes, then I will treat them as though they are responsible and mean what they say. If they are not, then it isn't my fault or problem, and I won't accept any nonsense to the contrary. I will avoid any I don't believe or trust, though. I can also be a gentleman without being a doormat or a surrogate parent.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> If they've grown up in western culture, and believe in the equality of the sexes, then I will treat them as though they are responsible and mean what they say. If they are not, then it isn't my fault or problem, and I won't accept any nonsense to the contrary. I will avoid any I don't believe or trust, though. I can also be a gentleman without being a doormat or a surrogate parent.


Where I live it's multicultural, and western culture I found has many of the same gender-based expectations, as it modernises sure - its better, but it's ongoing. In more conservative cultures it's much worse. In some not much (if any) progress is made either.

As for emotions; friendship, fondness, respect, these are all well and good. But when love or attachment comes in, the whole arrangement gets complicated and becomes something it is trying not to be. Is it just a failure of FWBs as a type of relationship or is it more of a problem of people even if the people who get attached make the majority (from my experience)?


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Machjo,

Slightly off topic here, but I have a personal question for you. I have read many, but not all of your posts and threads. I hear you say over and over that your early sexual relationships were forced on you and/or you were coerced into things you didn't want, and that these incidences warped (my term, not yours) your perceptions and attitudes about sex and relationships.

How does this happen? What are you talking about, exactly? I am not saying that it didn't and doesn't happen; a woman forcing a man by either psychological or physical means. But as I have never experienced it, or been told about it by anyone I know, I don't understand what really happened to you. If you were underage and don't wish to speak of it I certainly understand.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I had a lot of one night stands in my younger life and I can honestly say I never felt anything other than happy to have had sex.If I met the woman I had sex with on another night then that was fine,if I never saw her again then that was also fine.I didn’t care.
I never got emotionally involved with any woman, and then after years playing the field I met my long time girlfriend and fell in love for the first time in my life.I was twenty seven when this happened.She didn’t sleep with me for about two months and I waited for her.That was the longest stretch without sex I had had since I was fifteen.
We were doing just fine and then we had a fight that escalated into us breaking up and canceling our wedding which was only a few months away at the time.There were other things happening at the time which weren’t helping the situation but the gist of the matter was I had no experience of having feelings for someone and then losing her.I had no coping strategy whatsoever.
We got back together eventually but I had decided to have some counseling and I went to three professional therapists and they all came to the same conclusion.I lacked empathy.Simple as that, I didn’t have the ability to take someone else’s feelings into consideration on any matter and I had subconsciously hidden this by always being a laid back,go with the flow type of guy and if that didn’t work I would just cut people out of my life.
My point is,if you are an empathetic person,if you have a caring nature then casual sex will leave you feeling empty.If you are an emotional black hole like I was you can have sex with hundreds of women without ever feeling anything other than satisfied.
A former long term poster on tam asked me once did I ever think that some of these women may have had feelings for me.She used my daughter as an example to make her point.She asked me how would I feel about my daughter falling for a man who behaved like me and her point really hit home.
I use tam as a way of trying to improve my empathy,I try and put myself in other peoples position and think about what I would do in their situation.The problem is I get angry when someone doesn’t do what everyone else can see is the obvious solution.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Where I live it's multicultural, and western culture I found has many of the same gender-based expectations, as it modernises sure - its better, but it's ongoing. In more conservative cultures it's much worse. In some not much (if any) progress is made either.
> 
> As for emotions; friendship, fondness, respect, these are all well and good. But when love or attachment comes in, the whole arrangement gets complicated and becomes something it is trying not to be. Is it just a failure of FWBs as a type of relationship or is it more of a problem of people even if the people who get attached make the majority (from my experience)?


Equality is a work in progress, I agree. Some people are already there, but many are not, especially more conservative cultures and groups.

Sure, love and attachment is complicated. But that's true in any dating situation. Even if both say they want a relationship, most of the time that does not occur. You may date dozens of people - or more - before finding someone whom you'd like to be with long term. FWB is no different - but is front-weighted against long-term commitment. That can change, of course, but it's an honest and clear boundary. If you accept it, you accept the consequences if your feelings change. If that bothers you, don't do it!

I've been in several FWB scenarios, lasting from a few months to many years. None of those developed unmanageable romantic feelings. And all of them remain close friends. Knowing yourself, and being careful about whom you connect with, minimizes the potential problems. Besides, we were - are - all mature adults who can deal with disappointment if it occurs.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> Equality is a work in progress, I agree. Some people are already there, but many are not, especially more conservative cultures and groups.
> 
> Sure, love and attachment is complicated. But that's true in any dating situation. Even if both say they want a relationship, most of the time that does not occur. You may date dozens of people - or more - before finding someone whom you'd like to be with long term. FWB is no different - but is front-weighted against long-term commitment. That can change, of course, but it's an honest and clear boundary. If you accept it, you accept the consequences if your feelings change. If that bothers you, don't do it!
> 
> I've been in several FWB scenarios, lasting from a few months to many years. None of those developed unmanageable romantic feelings. And all of them remain close friends. Knowing yourself, and being careful about whom you connect with, minimizes the potential problems. Besides, we were - are - all mature adults who can deal with disappointment if it occurs.


Wonder if it's different for men compared to women, as I remember having a FWB who came from a conservative culture. We kept it under wraps, but she wanted more, and when I didn't reciprocate, she felt I was using her, and even sicced her cousins on me. Others were less violent, they just simply cut contact. And of course, others who are actually able to deal with it maturely. I guess that's just the risk isn't it? Some folks told me I shouldn't date women from particular races and cultures if all I want is FWBs, but I find myself more attracted to women who actually come from these conservative cultures, which I guess is a problem. Sometimes I get lucky, especially with women who grew up here regardless of their background, other times... meh.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Machjo said:


> Exceptions might exist with some people having delinked sex from emotions without causing them any real harm. By all means. *But then, that person does have a responsibility to not sleep with a person who may be emotionally vulnerable (such as a person who's just left a bad divorce within the last year for example)*. To befriend the person, fine; but expect that person to not always be thinking straight at the time. I would also apply this to either sex since even a man who's just gone through a bad divorce might not be in a healthy frame of mind and might think he wants sex when he really doesn't. In other words, he's just using it as an analgesic.


How can we tell these things? Even if it may be damaging to one particular person casual sex could mean a very different experience for another particular person.

I don't know, it's just that it's stuff like this that has made me quite hesitant to pursue anything new since my last partner. Right now I'm starting to see how such a mentality - or even the expectation to be responsible for someone else' feelings and decisions - as unhealthy, but that's just me.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> How can we tell these things? Even if it may be damaging to one particular person casual sex could mean a very different experience for another particular person.
> 
> I don't know, it's just that it's stuff like this that has made me quite hesitant to pursue anything new since my last partner. Right now I'm starting to see how such a mentality - or even the expectation to be responsible for someone else' feelings and decisions - as unhealthy, but that's just me.


You can't be certain of another's state of mind, but I try to avoid anyone I feel may be unstable - that's just common sense. So far, it's worked well, but I suppose I could be blindsided. If so, it's not my fault - just bad luck.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> You can't be certain of another's state of mind, but I try to avoid anyone I feel may be unstable - that's just common sense. So far, it's worked well, but I suppose I could be blindsided. If so, it's not my fault - just bad luck.


Gotta admit I feel shackled by it, like, right now I look for a certain "type" to reduce the risk of complications. However, this limits the pool extravagantly.

There have been several opportunities last few months, but I dismissed them, because, I judged them as the "type" that wants a relationship. And because I felt they most likely wanted a relationship instead of casual sex I stayed away. I don't know how many of them could be able to enjoy a FWB arrangement, because I never tried.

Also why I brought up culture, as in conservative ones, many women say they want a relationship, that they are good girls etc... because that is 'most appropriate'. One of my cousins is in a very conservative country, but she's just like me, she enjoys casual sex without the complications of a committed relationship. She's shunned by it. It doesn't bother her but that would affect ALOT of other women.



Machjo said:


> I'm not saying I'm right, just that *sexual relations are a complex matter to be approached with caution.*


Unfortunately true...


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Machjo,

Firstly- Thank you very much for sharing your experiences. It gives me a much better understanding of where you're coming from, and I'm sorry you had to go through that as a boy. I have two more lines of questioning for you, in hopes of understanding as well as just forum banter-



Machjo said:


> One woman whom I'd met had actually raped me by any reasonable definition of the word, ...


Again, what do you mean by "raped" you? When a woman is raped, in the classical physical fashion, it is an act of violence. Whether the man enjoys hurting her, or just doesn't care in his own pursuit of an orgasm, he is physically traumatizing her. If you were raped in the sense of her forcefully penetrating you with a toy, or hurting your penis in some way, then yes you were raped. But I'm still hazy on if you mean that you decided you didn't want to (maybe she was ugly or smelled bad or something) but she got you drunk and it happened anyway. Meaning your mind said "no, this is a bad idea" but whatever she was doing caused an erection and you had sex with her. And then regretted it when you sobered up, or the drugs wore off. 

I am just trying to understand you my co-forumer. You portray yourself as a victim of female sexual predation, and I'm trying to figure out how much of it truly is predation, coercion and abuse..... and how much is you just not standing up for yourself and setting limits. Anyone can walk over a doormat.

And your Father. I've only heard you reference him once. Again, I haven't read all of your posts/threads, but only once did I hear about him. You seem to feel that women are dangerous, but your father emotionally abused you as a child and set you in this pattern of not being able to speak up and out. Perhaps to progress in your relationship therapy and be able to maintain healthy adult M/F relations, you need to work out the damage your parent(s?) did you in your formative years.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Thank you again for your openness. What your babysitter did was wrong and was rape. If you had been 15 and enjoyed it, it would still be statutory rape, but at 8yo it was legit rape/sexual abuse.

The woman that you willingly had a one night stand with, even though she tricked you and traumatized you with the fear of AIDS (or pregnancy), did not rape you. Please please stop telling people you were (as an adult) raped. It is very insulting to actual rape survivors. As a man who had a previous ltr with a rape survivor, and the issues we had to overcome for us to have enjoyable sex with trust that I wouldn't hurt her as another had,... I am angry at you for calling your one night of bad sex with someone you wanted..... Rape.

Okay, she was a crazy B and said something to terrorize you. After giving you an orgasm. Did you get AIDS? Are you paying child support? When she put her vagina on you, after you asked her to and took off your pants and laid back on the bed,..... Did she give you a black eye? Split your lip? Rip your a$$? Were you afraid to jog in the park, or take the subway? You don't have the right to say you were raped by that crazy B. You were just scared by her. In an orgasmic way.

BTW, I get equally upset when men say they were "Divorce Raped" or that the car dealer "raped them" with hidden fees. Rape is a specific violent act in a sexual fashion. It is not to be used lightly every time someone takes advantage of your gullibility. I think your father's overbearing and (likely ) abusive treatment of you instilled "learned helplessness" and you naturally fall into the victim role now. The first wife would beg you until you had sex with her? That's every man's dream! You must have been quite a lover to have her begging for it! And, she was damaged goods too. Quit volunteering to be a victim.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Machjo said:


> When I was in my promiscuous state, I looked for women on what clearly was a hook-up site (and certainly never on what some might accept as a friendship, courtship, or marriage site), and that helped to a degree. One woman whom I'd met had actually raped me by any reasonable definition of the word, and I won't say it didn't affect me. However, since I was meeting women who I knew were looking for the same thing I was, I felt that at least we were using each other reciprocally. I'm not excusing the behaviour (and especially not of the one who raped me), but at least I knew that none of the women could walk away thinking that I took advantage of them without accepting that they had aggressively sought to do the same to me. Again, I'm not excusing my past behaviour and know I was wrong, but at least I wasn't using a person who wasn't using me reciprocally.


Hook-up sites make me strangely uncomfortable. Like, I appreciate a bit more non-sexual foreplay prior to sex, not to mention I generally like to know who I'm sleeping with. Was the same way with marriage. 

Most of my FWBs in the past came from face-to-face encounters or simply from friends. Minority came from online. I still hate online dating to this day.



> As for the one who raped me, again though I'm certainly not excusing what she did, even then I'll accept that I contributed negligently to my own rape by hooking up with strange women whom I didn't even know. If you're going to sleep with a random stranger, then accept that you're making yourself vulnerable.


That's why FWBs > ONSs, you're not sleeping with strangers.



> I have no doubt that I would have faced less of a risk on friendship sites, but then I would have been playing unfairly and could easily have hurt someone. Even in the case of the one who raped me, I can say that I wouldn't have been surfing hookup sites had I not already been emotionally numbed; so while it definitely affected me, I couldn't really feel the full emotional brunt of it except in a numbed state. As strange as it might sound, that still didn't deter me from hooking up on hookup sites however much it might have depressed me. I rationalized it as my preferring to hookup with people who were just as broken as I was rather than hurting someone new who hadn't yet been hurt by anyone. When I look at it that way in hindsight, I was pretty heartless seeing how I was quite aware that they probably hurt as much as I was and that I was really just exploiting their own vulnerable state for my own sexual gratification even if they were doing the same thing to me.


That is the mentality that I have adopted in the past but now I question all this self-imposed guilt.

Is someone broken simply because they desire non-committed sex?

In fact, I would say someone would have to BREAK me in order for me to start desiring commitment. All of my being despises dependence, vulnerability, imprisonment, and this is why FWBs is the best form of relationship for me.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

One persons opinion about sexual opportunities.

A few men have a bus load of opportunities and for many men, the pickings are slim (fewer).


----------



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Never had a ONS, not sure I can do it. Well the closes I've come to one was meeting a cute German gal at a NYC dance with my female roommate, who would get me tons of attention, very odd.
We kiss all night, she wanted to go home but I told her I needed to take my roommate home. The next day I went over and did the deed. I think I was able to actually go throught it because we had over a 24 hour piriod of knowing each other.
Met up a few more times, but didn't have that connection witg her.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## norman (Mar 20, 2018)

I've never had any non-committed sex. It was never something I felt at all comfortable with. I don't even like the idea of having sex with someone shortly into a relationship. To me, sex has always been something to share with someone I'm deeply in love with and I've never been comfortable with the idea of having casual sex. And I don't think I could even physically go through with it because of how nervous I'd be. I would actually often masturbate about casual sex. I liked the fantasy of it, but the reality of it was always immediately a turn off for me. I remember my first girlfriend started trying to get me to have sex after a few weeks together. It was way too soon for me and I made her wait. But I always felt like she was in a rush and wondering, "How long do I have to wait for this guy?" It was very frustrating and not what I wanted my first sexual experiences to be like at all.

I've had 4 partners and I always dated for a couple months before having sex. Like I mentioned, I really felt pressured with my first girlfriend which always diminished how special it was to me. We were never a good fit. She went on to have lots of non-committed sex herself after we broke up. It was never a good relationship, and unfortunately, it really brought me down and made me feeling very confused about sex and love. Even though we did not have sex right away, I felt very pressured into it when we did. It was not a good experience at all.

Things went more smoothly with my next 2 partners as we were more on the same sexual timetable. And when I was dating my wife, she gladly waited a few months to have sex. And though I could tell waiting that long wasn't her usual way of going about dating, she enjoyed the build up to out first time together which was a very fond and memorable experience. 

I'd later find out that before I met my wife, she had a much more casual attitude about sex than I would have thought. There were one-night stands, FWBs, rebound sex after break-ups, and sex on first dates or very early into her relationships. It was intimidating to find out my wife had far different sexual experiences and went through a promiscuous phase before we got together. She had some bad relationships and turned to seeking out sex partners for the sheer physical pleasure of it. But fortunately we met at the right time and were looking for the same thing and had great emotional and sexual chemistry.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


----------

