# So heres where im at...



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

So its been about six weeks since d-day. Ive discovered two guys she was dirty-texting with, and she admitted to sex with a guy back in june and about two years ago she 'made out' with some guy. Becauase, you know. He just kept asking for a kiss. What was she supposed to do!? Lol...

Now, about two weeks ago, as far as i knew it was the two text guys plus the sex. I sat her down and told her that my 'spider-sense', which have been right about everything so far, told me there was more. I made sure to be as direct as possible, even bringing up specific thimgs id thought about like certain male friends, ex boyfriends, etc...anything at all. I wanted to know if she so much as held hands with a guy. She said to me 'honey, i swear on our children that there has never been anything else.' Three days later she reveals she also made out with some dude. 

So now i believe i have no choice but to believe ALL my suspicions are true. Shes had a few guy friends over the years that i now believe were affairs. Ive scoured her facebook and found that one friend in partocular seemed a little too close. There was nothing bad in any of their discussions, but they just seemed a little too fond of each other. Almost like best friends more than anything else, but still....shes my wife. Another friend has apprenltly been so nice hes been fixing her car 'for free'. Nothing major, but little tuneups and stuff. I saw a text from him one day a while back where said 'hello my sweet marion'. I asked her about it and because im naive i believed her when she played it off as nothing. Its just how he is, of course. Hell...i gave her so much trust i let her spend the night at a guys house once. Please dont tell me how stupid ive been....i already know.

I dont think she goes looking for it, but she does have a problem saying no. So i have to assume she gives in a lot more than shes told me. I cant believe that on just two occasions shes forgotten all about her husband and messed around. More likely, as someome else told me, shes probably cheated in some form on most if not all of her nights out.

Now, im sure of one of two things: either she is genuinly sorry, consumed with guilt and absolutely committed to changing her ways OR she is a complete psychopath who can basically create realistic emotions at will.

Whats bothering me the most isnt even the physical stuff, its the lying. And how she gets so defensive about it. She acts like theres no reason i have not to trust her, and that the ball is in my court. If this marriage is going to work, i need to figure out a way to get over it! Nevermind that i have every reason not to trust her. Nevernind that every time we have sex i can see, hear, feel and taste every other guy. Thats just my problem. She wants to basically pretend it never happened and just move forward. Which i guess is a nice idea but its not so easy.

I guess i 'forgive' her, depending on it means. To some people it means 'i have completely forgotten about it' whereas to me it means 'i dont hate you and am not going to beat the **** out of you.' 

Ive been in counseling for a few weeks now and its going ok. Ive asked her to look into it as well, and shes agreed but i can tell its only to placate me. I want her to really acknowledge she has a problem, but she doesnt think she has one. Shes likened it to driving a car and crashing it. She only crashed once so its not that bad right? Except shes crashed it a bunch of times! I think she only considers it cheating if theres actualy penis-in-vagina. 

Shes agreed to stop all behavior that might lead to cheating, such as going to the bar. But i dont want a prisoner i have to watch every second. I want a wife who respects the sanctity of our mariage and who can actually say no to a guy even if weve just had a big fight or something. Is that too much to ask?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> I want a wife who respects the sanctity of our mariage and who can actually say no to a guy even if weve just had a big fight or something. Is that too much to ask?????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, it isn't, but she isn't that wife. She's made that abundantly clear.

Have you been STD tested?

Do you know what the 180 is?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

What is she doing to help you with this? It shouldn't be you doing all the policing and watching, it should be her making everything transparent and setting your mind at ease.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

YOU'VE been to counseling for a few weeks now??? WTF?

Sorry but the only reason you need counseling is to wake you up from being so naive.

Your wife has cheated on you multiple times that you know of nad probably more. The guy who's tuned her car up for free? I'd bet my bottom dollar she's tuned him up once or twice too.

She's not sorry. If she was she'd already be in counseling and doing everything to make you feel better.

She's trying to rugsweep by ignoring the issues here. If you allow this, it will all come rushing back to you in the future. You need to know what happened, with whom and why.

You should also get yourself tested for STDs. She may have given you one of those gifts that lasts a lifetime


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

No tests yet....as far as i know i dont have anything obvious like herpes or warts, no painful peeing. If ive got aids, well....i dont even want to know! Lol.....

Im seeing a counselor because ive been an emotional wreck. Even she doesnt seem to think this means my marriage is over.

The hardest part here? Logistics. If she were any other girl id be long gone, but shes not. I really do love her, even if im pissed. But i still think about leaving. Except i cant even if i really wanted to. We're too intertwined. Whod watch the kids while shes at work? Where the heck will i live? Its pretty much her house so i cant kick her out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you know what the 180 is??? If so, DO it. If not, find out and DO it.

And you REALLY need to get tested, and stop having sex with her NOW.

As for who would look after the kids while she's at work - seriously?? Ever hear of daycare?

You've got it bad, my friend.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

As far as making me feel better....shes trying to focusd totally on the future. I applaude her for being so forward driven, but still...we nees to fix our past problems first. 

Ive heard of the 180 but whenever i ask what it is i get told to google it or something. Ive read about it, seen forums discussing it, but have never actually seen it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> No tests yet....as far as i know i dont have anything obvious like herpes or warts, no painful peeing. If ive got aids, well....i dont even want to know! Lol.....
> 
> Im seeing a counselor because ive been an emotional wreck. Even she doesnt seem to think this means my marriage is over.
> 
> ...


Um, you realize there are more STD's than that and that some of them don't make themselves known right away, right? For instance, you may not get herpes warts right away. Chlamydia can stay hidden for years without symptoms. Not to mention HPV. 

Staying with a serial cheater who continues that behavior is also teaching your children that this behavior is acceptable. I get so angry when people throw that into the mix.

My ex developed a nasty drug addiction and when really high would beat me (literally). I could have stayed 'for the kids' but figured I'd show them a healthier version of their mother and left. Children need a healthy environment. Period. So, keep in mind constantly - are my wife and I mirroring a healthy marriage and relationship? How would I feel if this were my children's marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah i know ive got it bad. Because while im trying to deal with my pain and stuff, im also trying to keep her from leaving me, which she'll probably do if i dont get over it soon enough. Sick huh? I know....like ive said....i really do love her and want this to work, but the trust is so hard. And she blames me for 'digging at it' too much. Like all i need to know is that shes cheated. Doesnt matter how it happened or with who or what they actually did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> Shes agreed to stop all behavior that might lead to cheating, such as going to the bar. But i dont want a prisoner i have to watch every second. I want a wife who respects the sanctity of our mariage and who can actually say no to a guy even if weve just had a big fight or something. Is that too much to ask?????


So your wife is a serial cheater. When confronted she says she will cut out things that might lead to cheating but you do not like that. You want her to be in risky situations hanging out and drinking with other men but just want her to be able to say no.

Right. Essentailly she has proved she cannot have male friends or go out to the bars. She has trouble saying no to other men's sexual advances.

This seems like another hot wifing thread. So what is it that you really want? Just that she can play the sexual games but not give in?

So she wants you to stop digging at it so much? Amazing. What do you think she sees in these other guys? It sounds like she digs the guys who just take what they want. Guys with high self esteem. These guys do not seem too worried about you. Why is that?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Um, you realize there are more STD's than that and that some of them don't make themselves known right away, right? For instance, you may not get herpes warts right away. Chlamydia can stay hidden for years without symptoms. Not to mention HPV.
> 
> Staying with a serial cheater who continues that behavior is also teaching your children that this behavior is acceptable. I get so angry when people throw that into the mix.
> 
> My ex developed a nasty drug addiction and when really high would beat me (literally). I could have stayed 'for the kids' but figured I'd show them a healthier version of their mother and left. Children need a healthy environment. Period. So, keep in mind constantly - are my wife and I mirroring a healthy marriage and relationship? How would I feel if this were my children's marriage?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The lesson this provides to children is very important. We teach them by example.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Yeah i know ive got it bad. Because while im trying to deal with my pain and stuff, *im also trying to keep her from leaving me, which she'll probably do if i dont get over it soon enough.* Sick huh? I know....like ive said....i really do love her and want this to work, but the trust is so hard. And she blames me for 'digging at it' too much. Like all i need to know is that shes cheated. Doesnt matter how it happened or with who or what they actually did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you care a lot more about her than she does about you? You are afraid of losing her if you don't stop "digging" but she is not afraid of losing you if she doesn't tell you the truth?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> No tests yet....as far as i know i dont have anything obvious like herpes or warts, no painful peeing. If ive got aids, well....i dont even want to know! Lol.....
> 
> Im seeing a counselor because ive been an emotional wreck. Even she doesnt seem to think this means my marriage is over.
> 
> ...


Trust me you can fall in love with a good and faithful woman. They are worth the effort. This is not the woman you were looking for. However, you need to find your own inner strength and self esteem.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> She said to me *'honey, i swear on our children *that there has never been anything else.' Three days later she reveals she also made out with some dude._Posted via Mobile Device_


Every single time it's been posted that a cheater has sworn on their children on these threads it has turned out to be a lie. EVERY SINGLE TIME.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Yeah i know ive got it bad. Because while im trying to deal with my pain and stuff, im also trying to keep her from leaving me, which she'll probably do if i dont get over it soon enough. Sick huh? I know....like ive said....i really do love her and want this to work, but the trust is so hard. And she blames me for 'digging at it' too much. Like all i need to know is that shes cheated. Doesnt matter how it happened or with who or what they actually did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course she doesn't want you to 'dig at it' - she's afraid of what you'll find. If everything was out in the open, she wouldn't be stonewalling you.

YOU are not to blame!!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Trust me you can fall in love with a good and faithful woman. They are worth the effort. This is not the woman you were looking for. However, *you need to find your own inner strength and self esteem*.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Theyre charming and witty and forward. She digs the high of being hit on. The thrill of the hunt. Of engaging in the taboo. 

Ive been out alone before. Go to karaoke night, im one of the only ones there who can sing good. Its the only time im Confident and 'cool'. Girls dig it. They see the ring on my finger and they dont care. They want me. Sometimes im attracted, but even being drunk i stil know im married. Why cant she do that too? 

I just get to resentful about it. Her kid? I love the boy but hes a seriously troubled kid with a lot of behavorial problems and hes a pain in the butt. Hes driven off a few boyfriends in the past. But im still here and i stick by them. When she told me was pregnant i begged her not to go thru with it and she did anyway. Any of these guys she messed around with wouldve junped ship. When she weighed 300 pounds i still thought she was beautiful. None of these fuys wouldve looked twice at her. I did and always have. I know im not perfect but neither is she and our imperfextions tended to compliment each other. I suck at working, im good with the kids. She works good, not so good with kids. But this takes it to a whole new level of imperfection.

Sorry if im just ranting incoherantly....sometimes i just need to get things off my chest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Jadiel said:


> I dont think she goes looking for it, but she does have a problem saying no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you believe this crap, you're screwed. I can't say no, if I told this to my wife she WOULD not have taken me back.

BTW, you'll never give her 100% trust again. You're going to play warden for probably the rest of your life. It'll die down eventually but you will always check up once in a while.

Didn't answer your call, late getting home etc...It'll trigger no matter how long it's been. If you really love that person it will trigger you. If you just don't care anymore, well then..........

I swore on my parents that I wasn't cheating to my wife, guess how that worked out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to do a total about face here. You should be kicking her out, and SHE should be pleading for you to let her stay. Seriously. Just do some reading around here and see where pleading and begging get betrayed spouses.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Im scared to read here honestly....scared to even post but i feel i have no one else to talk to. But damn sometimes the hate for cheaters is so depressing. Is it really so bad? Is it possible that some people cheat but arent evil demonic people?

Im reminded of my dad. Good guy. Loved his wife, loved us kids. Worked his ass off to support us. Gave us his time and energy even tho homestly he just wasnt into having kids. And he cheated almost every chance he got. Does that mean hes suddenly so evil and bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Theyre charming and witty and forward. She digs the high of being hit on. The thrill of the hunt. Of engaging in the taboo.
> 
> Ive been out alone before. Go to karaoke night, im one of the only ones there who can sing good. Its the only time im Confident and 'cool'. Girls dig it. They see the ring on my finger and they dont care. They want me. Sometimes im attracted, but even being drunk i stil know im married. Why cant she do that too?
> 
> ...


She cant do it because she isnt capable of doing it you are honorable and your words and committments mean something it was how you were raised etc I for one would not put up with a cheating spouse especially a serial cheater they are so far gone in living a lie in my opinon screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me 

good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

No, all cheaters are not bad. I am with my husband despite him cheating, and I wouldn't be if he was evil and bad. Cheaters do follow a script though. While they are in what we call 'the fog' their actions are very predictable.

what my husband did was despicable and it always will be. He is not that act though.

PLEASE read the newbie link in my signature.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Regarding your dad--But was your mom really happy with it all?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Jadiel, this is something that will have a drastic effect on the advice you are given. There is a history of her cheating gong back to the start of your relationship, when YOU were the OTHER MAN. Do you feel any sense of hypocrisy complaining about being cheated on when you were the affair partner prior and you had no problem getting involved with a woman who would cheat on her husband?

_Here's the kicker that I left off: When we first met, back in 03, it was instant chemistry. *We were both with other people though, albeit miserably. I got a divorce, and she stayed with her guy (kids father), and then we started seeing each other on the side. *Should've been a red flag. 

Especially when, *after she broke it off to get back with kids father, a year later the split up, she got with another new guy, then also was seeing me on the side again.* You'd think I'd learn? 

*Then we were together for one year, and got married. Have been for 4 years.* I always thought everything was fine, except were growing apart a tiny bit. The occasional night of her going out with her friends and me playing Warcraft became a regular thing. *She was going out thursday, friday, saturday, and i was playing WoW all night.* But we never fought, there never seemed to be any problems beyond your typical marital annoyances. Cap off the toothpaste and stuff like that. 

I feel like such a moron. _


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks. I wouldnt call myself honorable...i can be a bastard. Ive been the other man myself and ruined some marriages....and damn am i sorry about it. Never gonna do it again tho.

I was raised with old fashioned ideas about sex tho. Ive had unmarried sex but except for one or two partners theres always been deep, caring emotions going on. Pure mechanical sex is, to me, just awful. 

As for my wife, shes not even sure who her father is, except its not who her mothers husband was, and was probly one guy in particular, but couldve been any of like three guys. Her mom has been in and out of bed with men for her entire childhood. To her sex is about 'oh wow i got someone to sex me i am so awesome'. 

Now i doubt everything. I doubt my own skils as a lover. She always tells me im awesome, but hell what does that mean? Nothing. Nothing she says means anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you read the newbie link in my sig? Did you read that link on the 180 I posted? Have you made an appt to get tested for STD's?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

will_kane said:


> every single time it's been posted that a cheater has sworn on their children on these threads it has turned out to be a lie. Every single time.


yuuuuuup.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

And what would be the down side of her leaving! I mean really, do not understand that she is going to keep on dating and you are paying for her room and board. You are better than this and you know it, you just want to hold on to the past that you made a large investment in. Am I right? Write back David


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

As for feeling hypocritical...you habe to understand that as far as i knew their relationships were practically over. Im not saying it makes it right. But itd be like the difference between vandalizing a junk car that belongs to someone but is left abandoned in the woods, or vandalizong their brand new ferrari. I deluded myself into thinkin she only cheated with me because she was terribly unhappy and i treated her good. I believed i was special enough that i could fulfill her desires and she wouldnt feel tempted to cheat on me. Guess we see how that turned out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You play WoW, yes, you are a moron! I kidd I kidd!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Did you read the newbie link in my sig? Did you read that link on the 180 I posted? Have you made an appt to get tested for STD's?


Have you?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> So its been about six weeks since d-day. Ive discovered two guys she was dirty-texting with, and she admitted to sex with a guy back in june and about two years ago she 'made out' with some guy. Becauase, you know. He just kept asking for a kiss. What was she supposed to do!? Lol...
> 
> Now, about two weeks ago, as far as i knew it was the two text guys plus the sex. I sat her down and told her that my 'spider-sense', which have been right about everything so far, told me there was more. I made sure to be as direct as possible, even bringing up specific thimgs id thought about like certain male friends, ex boyfriends, etc...anything at all. I wanted to know if she so much as held hands with a guy. She said to me 'honey, i swear on our children that there has never been anything else.' Three days later she reveals she also made out with some dude.
> 
> ...


Hang on! This is my story! 

Except I am a year and 6 months (my god, that long?) out from DD. I have been at the point of nearly done for most of that time and we have just recently been split for 6-8 weeks. Just got barely back together. 

It is all just sooo pointless.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Im scared to read here honestly....scared to even post but i feel i have no one else to talk to. But damn sometimes the hate for cheaters is so depressing. Is it really so bad? Is it possible that some people cheat but arent evil demonic people?
> 
> Im reminded of my dad. Good guy. Loved his wife, loved us kids. Worked his ass off to support us. Gave us his time and energy even tho homestly he just wasnt into having kids. And he cheated almost every chance he got. Does that mean hes suddenly so evil and bad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There isn't a hatred for REMORSEFUL cheaters who recognize they have hurt their faithful spouses, who cease that activity and actively seek to HEAL the wounds that THEY created. 

BIG difference. After all, I am a cheater and I can tell you that folks here have been super supportive of my attempts to do the above.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Well one thing i like about here is it gives me the strength to keep in mind that SHE did this to us. And if she does not want to give me total honesty and do what she needs to do to make it right and show me some genuine remorse then screw her. 

Shes done this all to me before, altho we were just sort of dating at the time so its still a little more forgivable. But still....i shouldve known. I shouldve seen this coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> Yeah i know ive got it bad. Because while im trying to deal with my pain and stuff, im also trying to keep her from leaving me, which she'll probably do if i dont get over it soon enough. Sick huh? I know....like ive said....i really do love her and want this to work, but the trust is so hard. And she blames me for 'digging at it' too much. Like all i need to know is that shes cheated. Doesnt matter how it happened or with who or what they actually did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this is why you need to reconsider divorce..if she cannot even empathize with your pain, things will only get worse..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> Thanks. I wouldnt call myself honorable...i can be a bastard. Ive been the other man myself and ruined some marriages....and damn am i sorry about it. Never gonna do it again tho.
> 
> I was raised with old fashioned ideas about sex tho. Ive had unmarried sex but except for one or two partners theres always been deep, caring emotions going on. Pure mechanical sex is, to me, just awful.
> 
> ...


why is this not so surprising


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> As for my wife, shes not even sure who her father is, except its not who her mothers husband was, and was probly one guy in particular, but couldve been any of like three guys. Her mom has been in and out of bed with men for her entire childhood. To her sex is about 'oh wow i got someone to sex me i am so awesome'.


Wow, you must be proud to have a wife from such family?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> *As for feeling hypocritical...you habe to understand that as far as i knew their relationships were practically over. Im not saying it makes it right. But itd be like the difference between vandalizing a junk car that belongs to someone but is left abandoned in the woods, or vandalizong their brand new ferrari.*
> 
> I deluded myself into thinkin she only cheated with me because she was terribly unhappy and i treated her good. I believed i was special enough that i could fulfill her desires and she wouldnt feel tempted to cheat on me. Guess we see how that turned out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe you need do some self examination too. You are still making excuses for yourself. Her marriage was already over? Seriously? Give me a break. And it was not the first marriage you broke!
Clean your side, find self respect so you can demand it from others. If you still posess that warped thinking process how in the work are you going to expect for her to change?
Oh well... you were special.

I don't don't about your marriage, it seems your wife have serious FOO issues to work, no boundaires, intimacy issues... Intensive threrapy, tons of readings, good role models (long term succesful marriages I'm thinking)... nothing will be done without wanting to change.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

When there is no remorse it is due to a lack of care. For you and for their actions. 

When there is defensiveness of talking it is due to the lies they gave you that they don't want uncovering.

When they accuse you of dragging it up, it is to shut you up. So they don't have to discuss the lies they told you (and to continue hiding the truth they have hidden).

When they want to look ONLY to the future and not deal with the past it is because the past is a pack of lies and they want you to shut up.

When you worry that they can't say no to sexual possibilities presented to them from others, it is because that is how it is. The worry is there for good reason. If there was remorse, truth, honesty and openness, you would not be worrying of these things.

That is how yours resembles mine. All EXACTLY the same. And guess what? He lied to me continuously for over a full year, accused me of dragging up, paranoia, a freak, look to the future, 'you will never get over it', ....because he lied. And another 'truth' came out only when I gave up on the relationship.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Let me get this straight. Both you and your wife come from backgrounds where cheating has been common place. Your dad regularly cheated on your mom. Your wife's mom got around to the point that she didn't know who her father was. You were the OM and broke up a few marriages. Your wife (girlfriend?) is acting like the "town bike" and everyone is taking their turn.

The bottom line is that you do not have a full appreciation about what a marriage (or lifetime commitment) is all about - especially if you appear to be OK about her physically cheating so long as she's honest about it (did I read that right???). She has no boundaries. Do you have any kids with her? I'm assuming no and I'm assuming that you didn't adopt her kid. 

So...what's keeping you in this relationship? I'm guessing you two aren't married. If not RUN, RUN, RUN from this woman and never look back. You do realize that the men around you are talking about you behind your back and are holding you in scorn because your GF/Wife is sleeping around.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Let me get this straight. Both you and your wife come from backgrounds where cheating has been common place. Your dad regularly cheated on your mom. Your wife's mom got around to the point that she didn't know who her father was. You were the OM and broke up a few marriages. Your wife (girlfriend?) is acting like the "town bike" and everyone is taking their turn.
> 
> The bottom line is that you do not have a full appreciation about what a marriage (or lifetime commitment) is all about - especially if you appear to be OK about her physically cheating so long as she's honest about it (did I read that right???). She has no boundaries. Do you have any kids with her? I'm assuming no and I'm assuming that you didn't adopt her kid.
> 
> So...what's keeping you in this relationship? I'm guessing you two aren't married. If not RUN, RUN, RUN from this woman and never look back. You do realize that the men around you are talking about you behind your back and are holding you in scorn because your GF/Wife is sleeping around.


Well thats not all totally accurate....true i came from a cheating background too but i always knew it was wrong. I think my dads cheating encouraged me not to cheat. When im around other women, i have this invisible shield up around me because i know im a married man and dont need to be acting 'familiar' with other women, even when its totally innocent and harmless.

And no, im not ok with her cheating as long as shes honest about it....i dont remember what i said but it didnt come out right. I just really hate the lying.

And we DO have a child together. A little girl who just turned four and she is amazing. A little angel. To me, this girl is a very strong indicator that we do, or at least did, have something special between us. Like shes a reflection of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Well thats not all totally accurate....true i came from a cheating background too but i always knew it was wrong. I think my dads cheating encouraged me not to cheat. When im around other women, i have this invisible shield up around me because i know im a married man and dont need to be acting 'familiar' with other women, even when its totally innocent and harmless.
> 
> And no, im not ok with her cheating as long as shes honest about it....i dont remember what i said but it didnt come out right. I just really hate the lying.
> 
> ...


And yet here you say,

Thanks. I wouldnt call myself honorable...i can be a bastard. Ive been the other man myself and ruined some marriages....and damn am i sorry about it. Never gonna do it again tho.

It's called the Karma bus and it hits those that deserve. it.

You reap what you sow.

Perhaps you have an inkling now of what the other husbands of the marriages you wrecked feel like.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I am sorry you found out more and now have no trust! I just wanted to jump in here and say that you will likely never trust her again. After you have been lied to and hurt by a person so much you just dont feel like you can believe them again. That doesnt mean that you cant stay together it just makes the road longer and harder.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope you show you little girl what it means to command respect, she diserves it, she will be better off for it. Giving her a good examble of respecting you will also give her an examble of self respect for her self.
As far as her boy go...he's just like her mother...absolutely no regard in respecting others.

Geez how many time is your wife going to be used before she gets it?

I mean its hard not to spoil your daughter but do everyone a favor and command respect from her, she will be a better adult for it. Look at her mother, a women that has huge entitlement issues. Her parents didn't do her any favors and now there daughter/ your wife has past it on the your step son.

In short if any one deserves a spanking in this family it is your wife, then your step son. And if thats a problem then both of them can pound sand IMHO.

Again you love your daughter...that doesn't mean you can let her walk all over you. She diserves better, no matter how hard it is, you have to raise her right by commanding respect...as far as your wife and her kid...well that may just be a lost cause. Still, its not to late to try...try and show them the tough love that is required, to give them an examble of how to respect you and others.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> No tests yet....as far as i know i dont have anything obvious like herpes or warts, no painful peeing. If ive got aids, well....i dont even want to know! Lol.....
> 
> Im seeing a counselor because ive been an emotional wreck. Even she doesnt seem to think this means my marriage is over.


Friend, you need to get a complete STD panel. Lots of nasty bugs can go without symptoms for a long time.

Also, your therapist is not your life coach. Most therapists take a neutral position with respect to your choices. She probably sees her job as helping you with the emotional issues you have identified. So if you told her your goal was to figure out whether to D or R, she will be neutral in which direction you should go. If you told her your problem to be solved is your anger/anxiety/upset over your wife's infidelities, your therapist will try to help you understand your emotions. Again, no value will be placed on D vs R.

If you said in session you think you'd like to consider R, your therapist might offer the comment that your marriage might be savable. Not that you should try to save it or that it would be the thing most men would do, just that statistically there is a chance of saving your marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get your child paternity tested. Do it now so you don't wonder forever, and because she is young enough you can do it without explaining to her why you are swabbing her mouth. She'll believe some dumb cover story.

Get all the passwords for your wife's emails, FaceBook, twitter, etc. Then start digging. On FaceBook you can download a complete history of all messages. It is in the control panel somewhere. To do it you will need to be logged into her account and also have access to her email. FB emails a confirmation message, and then will send a file to that email account.

Review her texting history and phone number history of her cell. It may reveal even more data.

To reconcile you will need full complete disclosure. I don't usually like or recommend it, but I think your wife's compulsive dishonest and infidelity requires a polygraph to ensure she has fully disclosed to you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you read the newbie link in my sig? Did you read that link on the 180 I posted? Have you made an appt to get tested for STD's?


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Im getting around to std and paternity tests....right now i just cant bear the results! 

Something interesting tho....we talked about paternity and she aasured me not to worry. I told her ive always worried about it because of eye color. Wifes eyes are blue, mine are brownish. Child has blue eyes. Ive heard this is extremely unlikely. But wife assures me it is 100% impossible for anyone else to be this childs father. But then, i checl her phone and she googled this very same question. Is it possible? But why would she need to google it? If what she says is true, she KNOWS its possible. 

Altho my kid looks just like me, so either its my kid or my dads kid....lol...on the other hand, people who dont know any better say my stepson looks just like me too. 

Right now? I just want to make it till the holidays are over. As far as my marriage goes, she can say everything she wants about how commited she is, but every decision shes made has been to drive us further apart. I told her time and time again that i needed truth, honesty and full disclosure. It was the only chance to save our marriage. And every time we talk another detail comes out, another name, or i just catch her lying. Or i find something in her phone, or a mutual friend reveals something. 

She ALWAYS does this. I tell her to do something, she ignores what i say, does what she wants to, and when it blows up in her face she refuses to deal with the consequences and acts like its my fault. Its usually snaller issues, but this time clinches it. Instead of being honest and truthful, shes given me half truths, misleading statements, manipulated me and gotten defensive, blamed me for what hapened, or just flat out lied. 
So now..im just waiting it out. I have no desire anymore. I still love her, but i dont even feel like hugging her, kissing her, being lovey dovey or affectionate or intimate. In a few weeks her mother is going to move in for a while, and shortly after that we'll get a substabtial amount in our tax refund which i think would be a perfect time to make my exit. Ill have startup money, and her mom can help with the kids until im stable with a home and a job. 

Dont really know what else i can do. This seems best tho. No point in being in a marriage where its full of lies, and id rather leave now while we can still be on friendly terms, at least for the kids sakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> Im getting around to std and paternity tests....right now i just cant bear the results!
> 
> Something interesting tho....we talked about paternity and she aasured me not to worry. I told her ive always worried about it because of eye color. Wifes eyes are blue, mine are brownish. Child has blue eyes. Ive heard this is extremely unlikely. But wife assures me it is 100% impossible for anyone else to be this childs father. But then, i checl her phone and she googled this very same question. Is it possible? But why would she need to google it? If what she says is true, she KNOWS its possible.


The fear of finding out can be powerful, but my experience is that getting the truth brings relief. Even if it is bad news it is at least the truth. "The truth shall set you free" has been true for me.

Statistically the chances are 1 in 2 your child will have blue eyes. You have two color genes. Brown overrides blue, so we know you have at least one brown gene. You might have two brown genes, or you might have one brown and one blue. We don't know. We do know your wife must have 2 blue genes because she has blue eyes.

So her children will have one blue gene from her, and then one color gene from you. So your wife contributes blue. If you contribute blue then your kid has blue eyes. It is entirely possible you are the father based on eye color. (If you contributed a brown color gene your child with your wife would have brown eyes).

Her googling the issue may or may not indicate uncertainty in her mind. She may know you are the father but she is curious about the eye color. She may have been trying to find the info so she could explain it to you.

I completely understand your trust issues. Trickle truth etc is a killer. I have had the same discussions with my wife about needing the complete unvarnished truth, and she does not believe me! Just like your wife. I think it is universal not to believe it.

And that does lead one to the kind of negative conclusion you have made with the eye color situation. You don't trust anything or anybody. BTDT. On this one issue, though, the eye color is not proof or even indication you are not the father. Get the dna test so you can have scientific proof one way or the other.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't believe you still believe what your wife tells you.

Any way back to the matter at hand. Not only will the DNA test give you some closure, it will also bring to light the hard reality that you wife has done so much damage that a DAN is even required.

A consequences she will have to face even if the DNA goes in your favor, just having to go thru the step of getting one has to tell her how much your wife has destroyed.

In short, its more of a statement IMO, that she hurt you to this kind of degree of betrayal that now a DNA is needed.

Same kind of thinking goes for a STD test...sure its a benifit for your own health..but also a statement in how much pain was caused by her actions.

Maybe with these kinds of consequences and some IC your old lady may learn to affair proof her marriage.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Well for the genetics, my father has blue eyes so that could be where i got my blue gene if i have one. 

Trickle truth does suck. When she first admitted to having sex with this guy, she told me how they met at a party, flirted then left. Went to his place, it was in and out. Claims sex was quick and awful. Left immediately after. Then slowly other details come out later. Different positions, length of time she was there, etc. Then a mutual friend tells me that her version of events while still at the party are way off. The OM was even going to call me bexause he wanted to give me his side of things. 

Wife FREAKED when she found out i was talking to people. And more freaked than just the fact i was talking to people. I know she told the mutual friend to stop talking to me, and OM never contaxted me, probly because she also told him not to.

And she raised a good point. The details dont really matter. She had sex with another man. But you know what doesmatter? The lying. If she volunteers it was all missionary, then later adds in that she was on top, thats another lie. If she says it was terrible but he made her cum multiple times, another lie. She doesnt get that the lies are killing us! Shes been wanting to have sex all week and i physically desire it, but emotionally im just not feeling it. I dont trust her at all so i dont feel up to doing the most intimate and close thing a loving couple can do together. And she really just doesnt get it. Shes even let it slip that shes worried id hurt myself if we werent together, which coupled with her previous relationships i know of makes me feel like shes with me only out of pity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think if your chick is really in it for the long haul then she needs to face the consequences, like DNA and STD test, telling you the shameful and humiliating details of the sex and relive the feeling she had during the "walk of shame".

All this crap need to come out and looked at.. open this can of worm wide open and maybe she will learn something from it, instead of sweeping it under ther rug.

Maybe she can get this monkey off her back once and for all and tell you everything. Instead she holds it in, with an attempt to feel less pain for her self and you.

What does matter is she must own this crap and no matter how painful it is get it out there in the open and except the consequences once and for all.

My fWW found this approach to work best. The TT just takes to damb long to move on with or with out her marriage. The relief my wife felt by owning her adultour behavior helped her move on and away from that life style she once had. She is a much more emotionally healthier individual these days.

To bad your chick can't get this off her chest and move on. In stead she hides from it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Seriously please take a step back and see this for what it is.

Your wife is a serial cheater.

She through her own googling show's that she isn't sure about if you are the father of her child.

You've tried and tried to get her to be faithful and not lie, and her response - more lies, telling the friend to stop talking to you, and to get defensive.

Look, if she says that it was that one guy only - then take her to get a polygraph ASAP they only cost a couple of hundred.

She won't take it, and if she did she wouldn't pass. You know this, I know this, she knows this.

The only unknown here is do you have the personal respect to stop living in a relationship where you are faithful and true, and she's out cheating at will?

Are you willing to let her have her fun until she finds someone she really likes better than you?

Are you willing to let her have her fun until she brings home aids , an STD, or even another man's baby?

I don't think be big problem is TT with her - it's that she doesn't want to give up any more of her current secrets because it will interfere with her future cheating opportunities.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Which begs the question....why tell me at all? I only discovered a texting affair with someone. She never had to tell me anything else. I dont get it. She couldve just said there was never any sex with anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maybe she got tied of carrying that kind of wieght..mine did! 

I'm thinking she wants this off her chest, but just won't face the reality of it all....cause in the end, it is even to painful for her to totaly face what she has done and what she had become.

Until she can face this she can not own it, there by not learning nothing but what she will only face. Half truths and ignoring what she has become. 

She has a chance to realy change her self...she just needs to face her self first.

Again she will only face half of what she has become, the rest is to painful for her face and understand.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Which begs the question....why tell me at all? I only discovered a texting affair with someone. She never had to tell me anything else. I dont get it. She couldve just said there was never any sex with anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


..and you would have believed that. 

:sleeping:


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Well there we have it. Finally got the truth tonight, or at least as much as she was willing to give. So far, its sex with four guys, and threeway with another dude and his wife.

Yay for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> Well there we have it. Finally got the truth tonight, or at least as much as she was willing to give. So far, its sex with four guys, and threeway with another dude and his wife.
> 
> Yay for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to hear that

But brace you´re self.It might be more


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Dont care at this point. Five, twenty. I dont care. Its over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ilou (Oct 25, 2012)

Committed Spouse + Liar/Cheater/Cake-eater (lol) = Good marriage? 

I'm glad you thought it out. Planned your exit. And KNOW when to quit. Good job man.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm sorry it has gone this way for you. You will get through this and have better days ahead.


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