# Considering leaving soon



## Scapa (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi all,
I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do or who to ask, so google brought me here!
I'm married 6 years with two young kids (under 4) and am quite unhappy. I have been unhappy in the marriage for roughly 2 years now. We moved to Australia in the hope (mine) that it would put some life/sparkle back into the relationship, but it has made things worse. My wife misses her family and as she is working part time when I am not, it means that we don't really have any "family" time. We can't afford for her not to work either.
Our lease on the house we are renting is up in a few months, and it seems like the best time to bring things to an end. Otherwise things will get costly and messy. I know she will move back to be with her family.
I guess it's only since we relocated that I realised how different we are. I'm quite active and she would prefer to read a magazine as an example. I've made a lot of sacrifices for her and the marriage, and I just feel it's time I was happy again. I just don't want to see the kids get hurt, or my wife.

Scapa


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## Scapa (Feb 17, 2010)

More info:
We haven't slept together for about 2 years and not even held hands. I truly feel that I don't love her anymore. Most of the time we sleep in seperate beds too. I really don't feel like there's anything to rescue left.
I'm quite a positive person, an optimist and she is quite negative, always looking for someone to blame. I don't care what her family and friends will say or think, I just want to be happy!

Scapa


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## bchin (Feb 5, 2010)

It seems to me that you're pretty decided on what you want to do. You've said it yourself, you're unhappy and she's unhappy. If you've been unhappy for two years how much longer do you pretend to drag this out? Have you too spoken? Has she said she's unhappy? Is she unhappy cause she misses her family and friends? Or is she unhappy because she's married to you? These are all questions you two need to sit around and figure out. 
Good luck!


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## lillylilac (Feb 17, 2010)

(HUG) it sounds like the love has definately gone from your relationship.
I think we all WANT to move away to try and change things and make life better. It can be so hard when it doesnt' work. I think you maybe moved to try and make your life "happy"...

I too googled this site as I amn't happy in my relationship/marriage. I do love my husband very much but we want different things out of life and we are so different that I am now very unhappy with the rut I have found myself in.

Sometimes being different is what bring people together, but if you aren't happy the chances are she isnt happy either. We all fear change of any kind and sometimes staying together is easier than seperating.

But I suppose to make life easier and happier we need to break free,. I can't speak from experience as I havent go to that stage yet.

But I amn't happy either... so can't tell you if it is easier on the "other side" or not. I am sure the journey wont be easy.

The fact you have come here is a good indication you are ready to do something about it...

Good luck with what happens next in your life and hope you do find happiness again

I do wish you all the best and I am sure you will make the right decision for both yourself and your wife and of course your children.

Take care


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## Scapa (Feb 17, 2010)

bchin said:


> It seems to me that you're pretty decided on what you want to do. You've said it yourself, you're unhappy and she's unhappy. If you've been unhappy for two years how much longer do you pretend to drag this out? Have you too spoken? Has she said she's unhappy? Is she unhappy cause she misses her family and friends? Or is she unhappy because she's married to you? These are all questions you two need to sit around and figure out.
> Good luck!


I'll break this down a bit, to help me and maybe others:
"If you've been unhappy for two years how much longer do you pretend to drag this out?" - Fair question, I think we have both come to the realization that we are not in love and that we are both unhappy. I don't think either one of us wants to be the one to start the ball rolling, to be the "bad guy".

"Have you two spoken?" - She has never broached the subject. When I do she stonewalls me, trying to avoid it, maybe hoping it'll fix itself.

"Has she said she's unhappy? " - No, not in those words. It's plain for me to see though. Any time I take a day off to be with the family she takes the time to work, which is anther indicator to me, she doesn't want to share time.

"Is she unhappy cause she misses her family and friends? Or is she unhappy because she's married to you?" - Definitely the first, possibly the second to be honest. But she has two siblings here, I have none and no friends, and little time to make friends.

HTH

Scapa


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## spritza (Feb 16, 2010)

I am also seeking advice on this forum and I am SO tired of kicking around the question of whether or not our marriage will last. Having finally realised that no it won't, the sense of relief is profound! Advice received from this website identified a key problem that I had previously not recognised i.e. controlling personality (duh, hard to miss you'd reckon). Being able to pinpoint the "source" of his disrespect etc, everything fell into place and I had a big A-HA moment. 

So I guess I'm trying to say that if you know things aren't going to get better and if looking towards your future together makes you wonder "why bother?", make the hard decision (and yes, it's a very hard decision regardless of extraneous circumstances) and start planning a life where you can actually look forward to the future. Honestly, it's like the weight of the world off your shoulders. If you can figure out and come to terms with why your marriage isn't working and won't work, you should (hopefully) be able to leave your marriage without bitterness or recriminations on your part. 

good luck. 
PS - I've only just realised that I will be getting divorced so I'm in the EARLY stages.... he doesn't even realise it yet. for what it's worth, hope it helps


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## SockMonkey (Feb 18, 2010)

Hi Scapa

I'm so sorry to hear your news, I hope things work out for you soon. Have you thought about going to talk with someone as a couple? 

I am in the same situation myself, we sleep in separate rooms, things have been off for about 7 years now. The first couple of years I kept asking why, no response really. Now I'm just mad a lot of the time. Angry about the things he does wrong or doesn't do or does with a lazy attitude that never gets done right. So mad I can't sleep.
I am sure if things were ok in the relationship then I wouldn't be so mad at those things but I can't stop being angry.

It's a bad place to be in, not knowing the future of the relationship. 

I wonder if your wife is unhappy with herself, if she had some activities and groups of friends to do things with would that help do you think? Maybe if she wasn't lonely for her family that might help too.

Sorry, I'm not much help with advice, I'm in a mixed up state of mind myself. I just wanted to wish you much luck.


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## bchin (Feb 5, 2010)

Scapa, 
I can see her wanting to avoid the talk, (I am one of those people who avoid all talks) and both of you wanting to avoid being the BAD person. Unfortunately, someone has to step up to the plate. If its true that you both are unhappy at the end you both will be relieved and ultimately feel better about this whole thing. It seems you should use the end of your lease to bring up the subject once again as to what lies in your futures. As far as the children, yes they are too young to understand and you seem like a good father who is concerned but you need to do whats right for you, your wife and your children before like you stated things get expensive and messy. Sounds to me like your the more decided one and has given this alot of thought, that being said it should be you to initiate the subject. Hopefully once everything is settled things will fall into place. She has family with her and she'll be alright. As for you, I wish you strength. The sooner the better. Hope you keep us posted.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Scapa said:


> "Has she said she's unhappy? " - No, not in those words. It's plain for me to see though. Any time I take a day off to be with the family she takes the time to work, which is anther indicator to me, she doesn't want to share time.


 So GET the words out of her. You don't just give up on a marriage and destroy your children's lives just because you aren't willing to ask hard questions and look honestly at yourself to find out WHY she doesn't want to be around you.

If she purposely avoids you, there is a REASON. From YOU. Something about YOU makes her want to be away from you. We go to what makes us happy, and avoid what makes us unhappy. Find out what it is that makes her unhappy to be around you, and fix it.

You talk of YOUR sacrifice, but you said YOU wanted to move. So SHE sacrificed already, yes?

Stop wasting time worrying about what YOU want (for now; your turn will come later), and find out what SHE wants, and be man enough to change to give it to her.


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