# How do I overcome extreme jealously?



## lynn z (Jul 28, 2011)

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. We are happy, compatible and want to work things out. My problem is I am extremely jealous of other women. I can't stand it when we "glances" in the direction of other women. He doesn't stare because he knows I hate it but sometimes it happens accidentally like he'll just look over and there's a women right there. I get SO upset, I just BLOW UP! (to myself, not him). I try to control where he looks, and I can't go certain places with him or watch certain TV shows/movies because I know there will be young beautiful women. I know he thinks other women are better looking than me. I trust that he will never cheat on me and I know I do have insecurities in myself and I try to keep myself as attractive & fit as possible. I have hobbies and interests. I just can't help but be PISSED when he looks! It really hurts me to think of him fantasizing of other women, *I can't STAND the thought of him possibly thinking of other women while WE have sex!* Do men really think of others when they have sex? How do I get over this killer jealously and anxiety? I need suggestions on how to change. Does anyone else have this problem? Please, help me!


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

lynn z said:


> I try to keep myself as attractive & fit as possible.


It has nothing to do with the way you look, people will ALWAYS look at other people who they find attractive, it is human nature,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you been like this in all of your relationships?
Were you cheated on previously? 
Where do you think your jealousy stems from?

Your boyfriend will look at other women. Just as you will look at other men. It's human nature. Other people are attractive. There will always be someone younger, prettier, hotter, older, fatter, skinnier, richer, poorer, fitter than you, me, and anyone else reading this. That is the way of the world. 

What does your boyf say about it?

Jealousy is a huge monster. I was in a relationship with someone who was extremely jealous and all it did was push me away over time. It became very unattractive and while at first I thought I could handle it, over time it made me lose a lot of respect/love for my partner. 

If your boyf feels you cannot trust him, it WILL make him feel he is at a constant battle with what you perceive and not how he really is. If he has given you no reason not to trust him, then what are you worried about? Use the old adage "trust, but verify." 

Therapy could be beneficial to you to find out why you are so jealous & how to squash/handle this.


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## GAR (Apr 1, 2011)

I do not think of others when having sex. 

I guess you need to figure out if this is you, him or both. Does he stare at other woman? Does he lust after other woman? If he does, he has a problem. 

If he does not and it's you then you need to work on replacing those racing thoughts in your head with positive thoughts. Distract yourself, think of something good about him/your relationship when these thoughts enter your head. .


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Jealousy is a huge monster. I was in a relationship with someone who was extremely jealous and all it did was push me away over time. It became very unattractive and while at first I thought I could handle it, over time it made me lose a lot of respect/love for my partner.
> 
> If your boyf feels you cannot trust him, it WILL make him feel he is at a constant battle with what you perceive and not how he really is. If he has given you no reason not to trust him, then what are you worried about? Use the old adage "trust, but verify."
> 
> Therapy could be beneficial to you to find out why you are so jealous & how to squash/handle this.


I agree with everyone else, THIS IS such a HUGE undeniable part of human nature, to take this from him is to take his humanity, even take his masculinity. It simply isn't going to happen and if it seems it has, he is hiding who he is from you. This you do not want. 

But by no means -does THAT mean he is thinking of other women when he makes love to you. Of coarse some men may do this, but never assume because he notices the attraction of others this is automatically happening. 

There is a special emotional bonding when you have sex with someone you love that is SO STRONG, you are emeshed with them. If you FEEL this coming from him in those moments, chances are he is NOT thinking about anyone else. 


I am also curious WHY you are THIS jealous? What has happened in your past? Another boyfriend hurt you terribly? This boyfriend HURT you, disrespectful comments ? Do you fear abandonment? 

Does HE give you ANY indication he is thinking of other women while he is with you? Does he lack giving you verbal affirmation to make you feel like he loves you like no other? 

Me & my husband are more OPEN in this area than most (I even go the the strip club with him & allow him a non touching lap dance -but we have been married now for 21+ yrs with no unfaithfulness on either side, I know this helps)-other women would be vilified by such a thing. We both have literally zero insecurities in these things. For us, it adds a little bit of healthy jealousy , a spicing. 

Women LOOK too ! Here is a thread about it : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...u-thinking-when-you-see-nice-looking-guy.html

And here is a thread asking MEN about what they think - read some of these answers from men on here & get a look into their Psyche: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/24519-way-men-really-think.html 

Personally, I do not find it disrespectful for me or my husband to notice the oppostie sex . It comes down to what you have with that person. If you feel he is head over heels for you, FEELING this on a daily basis (or allowing yourself too)-this SHOULD make all the difference in the world. 

And to know he can look, and still wants YOU at the end of the day , well how much better is this -than to desire to forceably sheild his eyes to other attractive women - it then becomes a forced LOVE. People need freedom to truly love, not shackles. 

So true what Jellybeans said ...


> There will always be someone younger, prettier, hotter, older, fatter, skinnier, richer, poorer, fitter than you, me, and anyone else reading this.


The Most Destructive Passion | Psychology Today


Here is a list of books on amazon with reviews -that may help you . I never had obsessive jealously with my boyfriend/now husband BUT I did struggle with it with my BEST girlfriend in my teens-when she moved on to other friends. Books have ALWAYS helped me dissect my feelings & overcome. It can be a very powerful & destructive emotion,if we do not get a handle on it. 

Amazon.com: jealousy and insecurity: Books


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

lynn z,
Do you have other syptoms like social anxiety? Alot of people I talk to dealing with this problem have social anxiety also. Aslo, you stated that you had a huge problem with him thinking of other women during sex. Do you ever think of him with other women when the two of you have sex? About 75% of these same people I have talked to do this. Men and women. Sounds counter productive but, to me it just goes to show how connected the fear and erotic parts of the brain must be.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Put simply, jealousy stems from your own insecurities and your own issues with self-esteem. One method of overcoming jealousy would be to enter counseling to gain insight into these insecurities and explore why your self-esteem is not where it should be.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this but let me tell you that no man will put up with this very long. Eventually he will either leave for another woman or just leave you because having to prove your faithfulness day in and day out gets old fast.

If you love him get some help with this. Only you have the power to change. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SacredLady (Jun 24, 2011)

Well, you do not trust him if you are so jealous. Trust is also having faith and knowing that you can rest assure on him. You cannot because you are so busy wondering if he is thinking about someone else. That's trust issues and insecurities. First, you need to love yourself. How can you expect someone else to love you if you are so unsure about who you are? Love yourself and build confidence in who you are. From there, you can then work on jealousy and your bf. Jealousy can easily push someone away. Start working on your trust issues... Start small such as watching movies with beautiful women. I would sometime wonder what my bf think we there's a beautiful woman in the room, but 'I' have him. He think I'm beautiful even when I'm at my worst. I'm sure he feels the same of you. You just need your confidence to know that you are a great woman. Start accepting who you are first. Accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am dealing with my jealousy and I have learned it comes from my abandonment issues as a child.

It's a bumpy road to self-healing but I haven't had those jealousy/panic feelings in 3 days now. 

Maybe you have repressed (or known) issues that have caused you to be suspicious and feel less than worthy of your bf's attention?


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*I think the solution is to be two-fold. I am someone who is not a jealous person at all. Now this may just be personality and mentality differences but whenever my fiance looks at another girl, I look to see if she's hot myself. I don't like girls or anything like that but I can acknowledge a good looking one if I see one. If she is, I agree with him and say she is good looking but if she isn't, I make fun of him for having bad taste. This shows him that I am not insecure about myself and actually helps in him being more attracted to me. When I'm not bothered by it (whether I'm good at hiding it or not) I come off as a very confident, secure, and mature woman. That is attractive and sexy to a guy. The other part of it is the trust factor.

I know that my fiance loves me no matter what I look like and that he would never cheat on me. Having that very basic and fundamental form of trust makes it easier for me to accept and be fine with him looking at other women. It is completely (in my opinion anyway) unreasonable to think that we would no longer be attracted to anyone else ever again just because we are now in a relationship. Let me also say that that does not equate to your partner automatically wanting to cheat on you, but that does not absolve them from ever looking at another woman. As far as the not thinking about you when having sex is concerned, I have 5 years on your relationship and have been with my fiance for 7 years and let me tell you, there are just some times when you think of someone else. To me, it's not a form of cheating. To me, it doesn't mean that I don't love him or he doesn't love me. To me, I'm not jealous of whomever he's thinking of. To me, it's just us being human. The more we try to hold on to the ideal of one mate the rest of your life looking lovingly at that person for the rest of your days and never, EVER having a wandering eye again, the more hypervigilent we will be with it. When that happens, any time there is an infraction, even the tinniest of glances, will break this idealistic perfection that was unreasonable to begin with. Accepting that we are going to be attracted to other people and acknowledging it rather than holding it in will actually help in you and your partner being more attractive to each other.

In short, those two things have been the key to me not being a jealous person. I've never been a jealous person so it's not like I've had to overcome it. This is just who I am and these two parts of who I am is what makes me not a jealous partner - Accepting and acknowledging that we are attracted to other people and that complete and utter trust in the other knowing that although they may have a wandering eye at times, their body will never follow.*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it does come down to trust.

I had to accept that I DO trust my husband...but my nature is to NOT TRUST because of past crap.


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