# Not sure what to do



## rjg (Jan 4, 2012)

I need an outside perspective on my situation. 
SOme quick background: I'm in my late 30s and have been married for about 3 years. Prior to that I was in a long term relationship that lasted about 8 years (I broke it off for various reasons), and then dated lots of women for about 2 years. We have no kids, though my wife really wants some.

I've been feeling really down for probably the past year, and really sick of my job. Also, been feeling really irritated with my wife. Its hard to tell whether one is causing the other, but I definitely feel sick of both of them (though more so the job actually). Regarding my wife:
-She's attractive, fairly smart, is knowledgable about the world, has a good amount of money from her family, etc seems to love me and wants the best for me
-But:
-always has some sort of ailment. She has various allergies, neck pains, feminine issues, and once a year has some sort of medical crisis involving the emegerncey room
-has lots of anxiety issues and major issues w/ her divorced parents (her mom is kind of crazy and her dad kind of blows her off). Almost she talks to one of them she ends up in tears and vows to "take a break" for a while (she's also in her late 30s)
-is prude about sex (and i'd say we only have it maybe 3 times a week on a good week). When we do its always missionary, and lasts for all of 3 minutes cause once she "finishes" cause she gets too sensitive and has to stop. No going down on her allowed, different positions, etc. She doesn't even like kissing that much. So it's kind of like bare minimum. 
-Visiting her family and in-laws always involves crazy drama, fights, tears, etc. 
-is always complaining or whining something w/ her job
-Alwyas has some sort of dramatic experience to report form the day (got pushed on the street, boss did something horrible, etc)
-has a voice that really annoys me (combination of tone, accent, etc)
-is super anal about neatness/cleanliness 
-DOesn't seem to really "get" money. She'll think nothing of spending a lot of money for a lamp or pillow. BUt then will try to be frugal in sort of meaningless ways when I try to explain budgets to her. Or get stressed out and say "I don't want to talk about money right now". Her mom doesn't work (re-married a wealthy guy) and her dad just spends whatever he has

I suppose in retrospect I was aware of some of these issues before getting married, but the full extent only became clear later. She told me her ex-bf broke up w/ her with the comment "I can't take it anymore". And i know what he meant.

Do my complaints just seem overblown and typical for any marriage? Since i'm feeling so down, i can't tell how much of this stuff I should be really concerned about. I find myself snapping at her all the time which of course causes even more problems. I also look back at all the women I dated that were more mellow, and easier to get along with that I didn't stay with. If I'm really honest it's because I didn't find them attractive enough. And the women who "had it all" always seemed to slip away. So based on al that experience, I really feel like my wife is realistically the best I'm going to do without a major overhaul of my personality to become more charismatic, exciting, etc. 

My job is sort of similar in that there are some great perks (vacation, pay, commute). but I just feel so tired, depressed, bored yet stressed being there. Can't seem to even focus on finding something else. I could actually afford to quit for a while (maybe a year or 2), but am petrified of doing so.

Any outside perspetive on all this?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You do sound like you're in a rut personally, and a bit on the depressed side, which should all be considered first, prior to tackling issues with your wife. She sounds like a caring woman, but with some intimacy issues. The good thing is, none of what you mention sound like an affair is going on, unless its yours, and you are listing all these reasons as justification for moving on.. I hope that is not the case. 
Take a long breather. Vacation, week off. Give yourself some time to decompress and dont worry yourself about your wifes annoyances for now. Get "you" right with you first, and you might find that it frees up some room for your wife to make changes.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

You listed nine negatives.

Write down a list of her biggest ten positives. Once you've done that, whenever a negative starts bothering you, focus on your list of positives.


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## rjg (Jan 4, 2012)

OOE said:


> You listed nine negatives.
> 
> Write down a list of her biggest ten positives. Once you've done that, whenever a negative starts bothering you, focus on your list of positives.


How's this? 
attractive
in shape
smart and well educated
loyal
sweet
supportive
has her own money and no debt
caring
has really good friends
Has good taste


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