# Is this a general trust issue? Need other women's insight!a



## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

First of all, I have been married about five years. My husband's libido leaves much to be desired, and I am often having to "service" myself. He has told me that he is only able to make love about once a week, but it usually ends up being 10 days or even two weeks before we do. I spent most of these years with him suggesting fun things to try, sent him a few articles to read, etc. 

The other day I was cleaning in his office (man cave) and found evidence that he has been masturbating. Now don't get me wrong - we both do it, but I am puzzled as to why he is hiding it from me. We had a sort of loose agreement that if he has masturbated recently he would let me know; because his libido is so much lower than mine this will mean an even longer wait for sex if he has. So when he lets me know I won't hang around hoping when he is unable. Then I can just take care of it myself (which makes me sad because I would much rather make love with him) When I found the evidence ( a towel) I didn't mention it just casually asked if had done so lately. So he said no. He has told me that he doesn't mind telling me when he does it, so why he is now lying I don't understand. 

I don't like being lied to because it makes me wonder if he is lying about other things, too. He knows that I have trouble telling when people are lying, as well. I feel kind of down and also shut out from what may be going on. I also found that he has resumed taking a prescription drug that he had stopped taking but is also concealing this from me. 

Am I just paranoid, or have I married a liar? Is this a sign of trouble ahead? I would love input!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Seems like you need to ask him about the towel specifically. Let him know you found it and it appears to be evidence of him masturbating. Go from there. Do you have access to his internet history? Might want to check for porn use. 

Without more evidence than just the towel, it's hard to say. My ex husband preferred masturbating to having sex with me and he did it nearly every day. So I knew it wasn't a libido issue for him. 

Sex is more complicated than libido, even for men. He may actually masturbate on occasion because it's easier. Not cool for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Porn addiction.. struggling with ED issues (has he ever had trouble here), other sexual issues (premature Ejaculation , feeling he can't please you, takes too long)..or he has lost attraction (a feeling of distance/resentment, gaining weight ).....

For whatever reason, he has decided hiding the truth is his easy way out....to avoid a very difficult vulnerable conversation....and working his way through this with you..

Trust has been broken , he outright lied on this one.... and you know it's not the 1st time...

Desire is a very delicate thing...we can't demand it.. we can, only on our own end, be willing givers to each other...the way it is meant to be - the desire for intimacy pulls us to each other & we express this in love... if you've made your feelings known time & time again, how you want to make love... and he is choosing this over you..

It's NOT OK...if you don't confront... opening this up... it will just eat away at you, nothing will change...He needs to come clean.... I would see this a betrayal of the vows to love & cherish each other fulfilling each others sexual needs.....his knowing you want to be with him...and turning a blind eye, using his sexual energies elsewhere, this is very very hurtful...devastating. 

This is a trust & an Intimacy issue..


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Seems like you need to ask him about the towel specifically. Let him know you found it and it appears to be evidence of him masturbating. Go from there. Do you have access to his internet history? Might want to check for porn use.
> 
> Without more evidence than just the towel, it's hard to say. My ex husband preferred masturbating to having sex with me and he did it nearly every day. So I knew it wasn't a libido issue for him.
> 
> Sex is more complicated than libido, even for men. He may actually masturbate on occasion because it's easier. Not cool for you.


I have checked his internet history several times over the years, and have never found porn use. I don't want to tell him I found the towel, because I want to see if he keeps lying about it. No sense in revealing my source, right?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Maybe he watches porn incognito.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Porn addiction.. struggling with ED issues (has he ever had trouble here), other sexual issues (premature Ejaculation , feeling he can't please you, takes too long)..or he has lost attraction (a feeling of distance/resentment, gaining weight ).....


Yes, from the very beginning he had trouble maintaining an erection. Sometimes, he uses Viagra which helps. Often he can't sustain, or he gets tired. He is really out of shape and likes to veg out in front of the computer. Before we met he had been single for a long time, and no doubt got used to just pleasing himself. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> For whatever reason, he has decided hiding the truth is his easy way out....to avoid a very difficult vulnerable conversation....and working his way through this with you..
> 
> Trust has been broken , he outright lied on this one.... and you know it's not the 1st time...
> 
> ...


You are so right. You have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Since I made this post, I gave him a chance to come clean about the drugs. The way I discovered the drug use, was that I was looking in his pants pocket for his car keys so that I could lock the car up for the night. I found a plastic film container with a pill in it. I recognized the color and shape and realized this was a drug his doc gave him awhile back which ended up disagreeing with him. So when I asked if he still had this drug around, he looked me in the eye and said "No." So I said that we needed to talk and admitted that I had accidentally found the pill in his pocket. He looked embarrassed. I asked point blank why he felt that he had to lie to me about it. He said that he feared my judgement, of all things. Why on earth would I judge him? His doctor had prescribed it, for heaven' sake. I told him that I feel that he just doesn't trust me or my intentions, and now the feeling is mutual.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening darkfilly
Its so difficult to put myself in the mindset of someone who would masturbate when they have a willing available partner.

You have my sympathy, but no useful advice.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

We had a talk about his other lie; the one about taking prescription medicine after saying he had thrown it out. It appears that he is just not comfortable telling me things. I guess this is going to take a little work. I trust him, and can't understand why he doesn't feel comfortable trusting me about things. Is this a guy thing?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No. It is not a guy thing. Your husband is lazy. Sex takes effort, giving as well as receiving and more time. Masterbating takes little effort, almost not time and is completely self serving.

Your H needs to grow up a little and take responsibility for your sexual fulfillment. He is setting you up for an affair in the future.

Not saying you will cheat but you will be left extremely vulnerable one of these days and the "wrong" guy is going to hit on you at the "right" moment. If your sex tank is running on empty, you might stop caring what man's "pump" you get full at.

Be honest with him and let him know that his dishonesty is harming your relationship as well as his lack of sexual effort towards you.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> No. It is not a guy thing. Your husband is lazy. Sex takes effort, giving as well as receiving and more time. Masterbating takes little effort, almost not time and is completely self serving.
> 
> Your H needs to grow up a little and take responsibility for your sexual fulfillment. He is setting you up for an affair in the future.
> 
> ...


I hate to say it but you are right. I am not looking for an affair but sometimes a "what if" goes through my mind. And believe me, I have talked with him time and time again about how I am being left hanging in the sexual department. We have some really great things together, but sex is not one of them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you have children yet? If not, I would suggest keeping it that way.

Until this gets resolved, your marriage is in trouble.

I know that it can be wonderful in many other ways but the sex and honesty issues are marriage killers in and of themselves.

I hope you find a way to communicate the seriousness of these issues to your husband. He needs to understand that a lack of sexual effort, yes it takes work, and a lack of honesty will eventually destroy your marriage.

I hope it turns around but it sounds like it will be up to you to push the issue.

I am speaking from unfortunately witnessing the demise of many marriages.

Mrs. Conan and I had a beautiful young friend who was joyfully anticipating her marriage. After she tied the knot with the lucky man, about a year in, there were undercurrents of dissatisfaction. 

We came to find out that she was largely in a sexless marriage! She was ashamed but could not live that way. They ended up divorced and I was flabbergasted to say the least!

She was young and beautiful and desirable. The man was an idiot for not working to fix his issues! He will never have another bride like her. I was sorry for her and furious and disgusted with him.

That is one tail of many. Honesty and sexual responsibility are non negotiable issues in my opinion.

Take care.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Seems like you need to ask him about the towel specifically. Let him know you found it and it appears to be evidence of him masturbating. Go from there. Do you have access to his internet history? Might want to check for porn use.
> 
> Without more evidence than just the towel, it's hard to say. My ex husband preferred masturbating to having sex with me and he did it nearly every day. So I knew it wasn't a libido issue for him.
> 
> Sex is more complicated than libido, even for men. He may actually masturbate on occasion because it's easier. Not cool for you.


His brain may make porn more exciting than the real thing. So he fantacizes about sex with a porn starlet.

You can replace that by getting into good shape, and taking care of your dress. Wear lingerie and sexy panties and bras.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That's not possible. A real woman cannot compete with the variety and is foolish to even try.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

treyvion said:


> His brain may make porn more exciting than the real thing. So he fantacizes about sex with a porn starlet.
> 
> You can replace that by getting into good shape, and taking care of your dress. Wear lingerie and sexy panties and bras.


Um...so it's her fault that he's lying to her? 

Believe me, I tried with my ex husband. I bought and wore lingerie. When I put it on he would tell me he was too tired. Or old. Or whatever. And then he would go to his computer and jack off. When he came home from work one time I was wearing nothing but an apron. He ended up going to his computer instead of having sex with me. And when I got upset about it, he turned it on me - said there was something wrong with me that I thought we would have sex as a result of that. 

This is not her fault. This guy won't communicate honestly and has sexual hang-ups that he is trying to hide.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign clipclop2
I'm sorry but I disagree. I will take my wife over images on the screen any day. I do watch porn, but never if my wife is willing to be intimate with me instead. The great majority of porn is actually pretty boring - a few standard actions, and then stuff that seems to be done just for the sake of novelty. Some of it is fun fantasy, but clearly not reality.




clipclop2 said:


> That's not possible. A real woman cannot compete with the variety and is foolish to even try.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> I will take my wife over images on the screen any day.


Yes. I like the sight of the female body as much as any man, but comparing porn and other forms of erotica to the real thing is like comparing chewing gum to a Bavarian torte.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Then give up porn and only be with your wife. Choose her solely over porn.

Fact is, over time trying to compete with porn is a losing proposition that will kill a woman's soul. She ages. Her body changes.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Fact is, over time trying to compete with porn is a losing proposition that will kill a woman's soul. She ages. Her body changes.


I know a tiny bit about your situation, clipclop, and I feel for you. Other people's situations are very, very different though. 

You have to care first before porn would wear at your soul.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah, that's true. You definitely have to care first.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

I have been reading about something called Sexual Anorexia and a light bulb just went on in my head. Now i am beginning to realize that this marriage is doomed. I can't see myself putting up with lack of satisfying sex, deceitful behavior, and an otherwise lazy attitude towards marriage. I am tired of doing all the work. He makes a great roommate, but fails with an F plus at being a husband.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening darkfilly
> Its so difficult to put myself in the mindset of someone who would masturbate when they have a willing available partner.
> 
> You have my sympathy, but no useful advice.


:iagree:


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> This is not her fault. This guy won't communicate honestly and has sexual hang-ups that he is trying to hide.


Thank you for that validation! He can't seem to accept that he may have some kind of a sexual hang up. Now it's becoming my hang up as well. sigh.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

Does anyone think it is crazy to decide to go back on a medication that will effectively kill my libido? It's either that or have an affair. Or leave him.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

If you really feel like your H gets an F+ in the husband department, that he is not honest with you, and is lazy and unwilling to work on the relationship, your best bet is to leave him. But let him know before hand that you are not happy with your marriage, and that you are willing to give him one more chance. If he fails again, you need to be ready to make good on your threat, and actually leave him. The vast majority of these "last chances" don't work out, so make whatever arrangements you need to make in advance.

You should resist the temptation to have an affair, it will only serve to make you more miserable, and complicate matters.

Life is way too short to be as unhappy as you seem to be in your marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why would you want to have an affair? Either you are committed to your husband and the marriage or you are not. Make your choice and go from there.
Personally I would not take medication to kill my libido.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You've laid out three options:

1. Take medication to kill your libido
2. Have an affair
3. Leave him

How about option #4? You both get into marriage counseling and try to solve your sexual (and other) problems. If, after doing this, you're still in the same boat then I suggest you divorce him and find someone who will be a true partner in marriage and love you the right way.


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## darkfilly (Mar 7, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> You've laid out three options:
> 
> 1. Take medication to kill your libido
> 2. Have an affair
> ...


The reason option 4 wasn't listed, is because we have tried marriage counseling. Twice. The second time around, I realized that he was only going along with it to keep the peace, and that he wasn't trying any of the suggestions recommended by the counselor. I bought the books she recommended, he read them, but wouldn't try the suggestions in them.


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