# New here and so confused



## erinlea01 (Mar 9, 2016)

I have been reading through some of the posts and thought I would finally post in hopes for some insight from others. 

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have to boys ages 10 and 11. We started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. We married young (early 20s) and were done have our children by the time I was 27.

During our years of dating and early marriage, we talked openly about our dreams, fears and what we wanted out of life. One thing we have always agreed on... is that infidelity would not be tolerated.

To make a long story short... a female co-worker of my husband was going through a rough time with her now ex husband. My DH and I talked openly about how difficult it was for her as he was an ******* to say the least. He was always open about her talking to him and I honestly did not have any concern with it.

I had my first son and 18 months later, my second son came along. I noticed that my husband seemed distant and was always "stressed" but thought it was because we had moved, doubled our mortgage and had a 2nd child when getting pregnant at that time was total surprise.

I definitely had post-partum depression after the birth of my second child and after about 4 months of it, realized that I was struggling and went on some medication. I started to feel better but my husband was very secretive. I suspected something was going on but wasn't 100% sure. I noticed that he was very short with me, withdrawn, but was always looking for sex. When I said I was tired (due to having 2 small children), he would become very mad. At the time, we had 2 separate bank accounts and I noticed that he changed his cell phone bill from paper to electronic. I asked if he was having an affair and started to suspect that he was with this female co-worker and he accused me of being "crazy" and needing to get help. I was only getting 55% of my regular wages and he felt that I was responsible for bills, groceries, formula, diapers, etc. There was no way that I could afford to cover all of the expenses so I started drawing from my credit cards and our joint line of credit. I got us into a financial mess. All the while, he was spending $600 to $700 a month on his cell phone bill.

On Valentine's day, I bought him a gift, made him a special dinner and he didn't so much as give me card. That night, I found a receipt from a Jewellry store for a necklace that he never gave me.

After 4 years of his supposed "friendship" I confronted the OW and she admitted that they talked daily, etc. She would not admit to a PA and either would he but I am not stupid and know that it was more than just a friendship.

For the past few years, I have really struggled. I now realize that I am suffering (severely) from depression and anxiety. I started online gambling, spending money when I shouldn't etc. I came clean and am working on this. The problem that I have is... whenever we try to talk about budgeting etc, he claims "I don't spend anything." Tonight I tried sitting down and talking to him about where we need to cut back etc. and he looked at me like I am idiot.

Sorry for the long post and it may not all make sense but I feel like he wants to blame me for everything that has gone wrong in our relationship and not take any responsibility himself. For years, he made me feel like I was losing my mind when all the while, I was right. He was willing to make me feel like I was going crazy and telling me I needed help versus coming clean and trying to work things out.

I feel like no matter what I do, it's never right and now enough. I love him and I know he loves me but I feel that right now the bad outweighs the good.

How do/did people know that it was time to call it quits. I know I have made my share of big mistakes but never, ever have I thought about sharing my life with someone else. I told him tonight that if he was ready to call it quits, he needed to tell me and his response was "when I feel that way I will let you know." So I am just supposed to wait around and live on pins and needles until the day he feels I have been punished enough?

I young (37) but feel that time is slipping away. At times I can't imagine my life with out him and other days I just want out. Sometimes I think my boys are the only reason why I stay.

I am just so confused... I don't know what to do. I have been to quite a bit of counseling but I still can't seem to make sense of anything....

Erin


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Is he still involved in the affair or has he stopped contact with her?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Hi sorry that you are here.

It is hard to tell someone when it is time to call it quits, you just wake up one day and realize you have had enough.

Did you ask him about the jewelry he bought?

Have you asked him to go to marriage counseling?

I think it is ok for couples to have separate checking accounts, as long as there is one that they share and put money in for the bills.

I would make him cut ties (or set boundaries)with this female, it does sound there could be more going on.


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## erinlea01 (Mar 9, 2016)

For a few years now, I truly believed that the affair has stopped. They still work at the same company but there's no indication on cell phone bills, etc. that it's still going on. I would have loved to tell him to quit his job but that's not realistic and he makes a good living. For about 2 months now, he seems to be on his phone a lot and is withdrawn but again, there's nothing on it to prove me otherwise.

We did do marriage counseling and I quit going after the counselor told us that we weren't going to discuss the affair and move on. He said we couldn't control each other and needed to focus on ourselves as individuals. While I do partly agree with that, the whole reason why we went was to figure out how to get passed it. I also found out that even though we were going to counseling, he was still talking to the OW.

I have made my share of mistakes too but never infidelity. I feel like I carry all of the burden of what has happened and although I realize that him having an affair isn't because of anything I have done, I know that he is not being honest with me. As much as I try to put it behind me, I think of it multiple times a day. I, myself have continued with counseling on my own but I just feel totally lost.

I have spent money foolishly, put us a risk of huge debt and acknowledge what I have done. He repeatedly asks me "why and how?" but I have lived in such a fog for so long... I honestly can't give him the answer he is looking for because I don't know the answer myself. I feel that I am just tired of trying to live up to someone's expectations when no matter what I do... it's never going to be good enough.

I also feel that he only needs to me to make sure his meals are cooked, clothes are cleaned and he is sexually fulfilled on a regular basis. I have lost all sight of who I am and what I want out of life. When I think of where we should be at... it makes me even more depressed.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sounds like you two are not resolving your conflict. You are angry with him over this OW he still works with, and he with you over the spending that spiraled out of control.

You are spiraling on a destructive ride that feeds on itself. He won't admit his infidelity, and if he does he will surely blame you for making life at home hellish. You will blame his distance and lack of support for you and your kids as why you went on your credit binge which wrecked your finances. It's a ride to the death each trying to one up the other. 

Until, you decided to get off the ride. Yup, just accept he is lying (or hire a PI to prove it), get your finances in order and divorce him. 

You can start this by telling him how you feel. Even if he won't admit to a PA, you can still feel threatened by it, and this OM he works with. Insist he find another job. Give him a deadline. Is your financial well being really that important that you would live with this? You'll never find peace while they see each other every day. 

Then after the deadline comes and goes with no action on his part, file. This is probably scary for you as you haven't put together a vision as to what post divorce life would look like. You can take some time and do that. Who knows, in that time the truth may surface. It typically does eventually.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

If you want to have a strong Marriage this woman have to go from your life. Your husband should stop contacting her and if he refuses to do it then you know where you stand.

You can also check his phone,mail records. I still belive that in a good relationship there should not be secret accounts,mails and stuff like that. If you dont have anything to hide then why keep it away from your wife/husband.

If he comes clean then he should go and see a therapist. Remember you cant force him. He have to do it by himself. 

His next actions will show you how much he cares about you and your marriage.

Please take care of your medical problems and stay strong my Lady. Your sons are going to need you,no matter what.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Sounds to me like your WH is willing to let you twist in the wind, suffering and in pain.

Why wouldn't he?....He's been cake-eating in your M for years.

My bet is the A is VERY underground and continuing.

You deserve better than this.

Make a decision for your own sanity and happiness.

There is a poster on another site I like that always says to BS that the FIRST thing they have to do before they can begin to heal themselves, much less their M's, is to get themselves out of infidelity.

That means doing whatever is necessary to end the A and cake-eating.

Your WH won't do it....so you need to.

File for D now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling might help. So long as he had stopped his cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

erinlea01 said:


> For a few years now, I truly believed that the affair has stopped. They still work at the same company but there's no indication on cell phone bills, etc. that it's still going on. I would have loved to tell him to quit his job but that's not realistic and he makes a good living. For about 2 months now, he seems to be on his phone a lot and is withdrawn but again, there's nothing on it to prove me otherwise.
> *
> We did do marriage counseling and I quit going after the counselor told us that we weren't going to discuss the affair and move on. *He said we couldn't control each other and needed to focus on ourselves as individuals. While I do partly agree with that, the whole reason why we went was to figure out how to get passed it. I also found out that even though we were going to counseling, he was still talking to the OW.
> 
> ...


Some counselors need to be FIRED, or simply beat!
He needs to write a timeline of affair, and answer any questions you have. If he is on phone a lot, check the records. No one should be anyone's plan B.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

erinlea01 said:


> For a few years now, I truly believed that the affair has stopped. They still work at the same company but there's no indication on cell phone bills, etc. that it's still going on. I would have loved to tell him to quit his job but that's not realistic and he makes a good living. For about 2 months now, he seems to be on his phone a lot and is withdrawn but again, there's nothing on it to prove me otherwise.
> 
> We did do marriage counseling and I quit going after the counselor told us that we weren't going to discuss the affair and move on. He said we couldn't control each other and needed to focus on ourselves as individuals. While I do partly agree with that, the whole reason why we went was to figure out how to get passed it. I also found out that even though we were going to counseling, he was still talking to the OW.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of issues here, simple and difficult at the same time.

Your counselor was right in the idea of working on yourselves, but the affair concern has to be put to rest. It makes zero sense for you to always have a nagging suspicion and try to work on yourself. It will never work.

Ultimately, it is up to him to end the relationship he is having with OW, however deep it is. You aren't dumb, and because of that you really don't need to know all of the details.

1. Ask him to stop the inappropriate relationship.
2. You will not monitor him, leaving it entirely up to him.
3. This is not a discussion, you are laying it at his doorstep. His denial is his problem. Do this with an unwavering face.

No ultimatums. No monitoring.


Then, you do have to focus purely on yourself. You might be the one extending the olive branch. If you can't do it, then your relationship is less savable. In this effort, you have to re-find yourself. You also have to start from square one with him. Sorry (little guy), women need intimacy to fully appreciate sexual intercourse. If you have sex without making love, you are allowing the relationship to degrade. 

Yes, he will become angry. Your self-development skills will be important here. Realize that it is personal to him. His victimization will be directed outwards - at you. You have to let him be responsible for his feelings. Only then is the relationship savable and capable of moving towards bliss. In this, you have to accept 100% responsibility for your own feelings as well.

Think about whether you want to stay married or be ecstatic to be with him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just to be sure go online and check your phone bill.

Takes 30 minutes tops.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Your counselor blew it when he(she) told you to Move on past the affair.

Find a new counselor for both of you to attend. A relationship worth keeping is worth fighting for.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am having less and less faith in " counselors"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

There needs to be transparency. I would look for another counselor and or your husband needs to be honest about the OW. You will feel lost and feel as though you're the only one trying in this marriage until he owns what he has done. You will resent him for questioning you for your wrong doings and rug sweeping his.

I have felt the whole staying for the children. My husband ended up coming clean about suspicions of past infidelity and I saw genuine remorse. Although I was mad he lied about it for as long as he did, I was able to move forward and learn to rebuild the trust. The cheating happened before having our first child but I was never fully capable in trusting him until he admitted it years later. I had forgiven him somewhat before he had come clean because time truly helped with my healing. I saw him be a better husband and a great father. I still was not able to fully let go until he told me what i suspected. I felt liberated from being led to believe what I thought was just crazy allegations, was in fact true.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Is OW married as well? You can bet your H is still cheating. Check for a burner phone. He is gas lighting you, making you feel like you're losing your mind. Do a complete 180 and detach ( sounds counterproductive, I know) it will help you work on yourself. You have got to wake up and get out of that fog. If OW is married then expose her. If she's not married then she has friends and family, expose her to them. Do what you have to end their relationship. Yes, you fvcked up but that does not warrant being cheated on and made to feel like you're crazy. 

God Bless.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here, it is difficult. There are a few things you can do. Forget about the marriage for now. Are you still working?
your WH is not putting your mind at rest and although you did wrong with spending the money, his treatment of you is a form of emotional abuse with the gaslighting etc. 

1. start work full time in order to become financially independent, tell your H to pay for daycare etc, your boys are big enough now
2. Find out if that OW is married and tell her H about what you suspect. Her relationship with your H is inappropriate regardless it went physical
3. why didn't your pursue the jewellery receipt? You must pursue these things, not simply give in. To your WH that is tacit acceptance of what he is doing
4. start doing the 180 on him, this is for you to strengten you and enable you be less emotional and draw up the pros and cons of staying or not in this marriage
5. go get IC for yourself, so you can get to a good place independent of your H
6. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are
7. ensure you have a few supportive friends who will be with you.

You cannot continue like this and your WH seems to have no intentions of making sure you will heal. He sounds selfish and doesn't place much value on your marriage


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