# My Situation Thus Far...



## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

First off, I’ve been reading this site since last year when all the sh*t went down. I’ve seen a lot of good advice and similar situations but nothing that really nailed down what it going on with me so I finally decided to post and seek some suggestions. So, forgive me if this gets a little long as I’m trying to put everything down from memory and I’m not even sure if this is the right section of the forum.

My wife and I have been married for 23 years last April. We have a 16 yr old daughter and a 6 yr old boy. My boy was born in 2008 and the pregnancy came as a surprise. Prior to the surprise pregnancy, I lost my father with whom I was very close. It was a devastating blow and in retrospect, I probably should have sought out a grief counselor but never even considered it. As I was still dealing with my fathers death, I was not prepared for the pregnancy and was conflicted on how I felt or should feel. Once we found out the sex though, I was pretty much elated and was happy with the situation though unprepared with what was to come. The birth was difficult to say the least. My boy’s umbilical cord was abnormally long and was wrapped around his neck which led to an emergency C Section. It was a scary time and I thought I would lose them both. But, everything worked out and he was a beautiful, healthy boy.

As a baby though, he was nothing like my daughter. Very demanding, cranky, threw up several times a day and just generally a difficult baby to deal with. My wife was a SAHM and had to deal with most of this on her own as I worked full time. Fast forward a bit and my wife was just really down. This led to a doctor visit and a Post Partum Depression diagnosis for which she was given a prescription, which did help. During all of this, I was still dealing with the loss of my Dad as well as a new development: my job of 12 years was coming to an end as the company filed Ch.11. So, I, worried about our future, and everything else, wasn’t necessarily always the best person to be around and I accept my responsibility in all of this.

Now I need to go back a bit and talk about our sex life. Since the birth of my daughter, my wife devoted so much time and effort into her, she kind of lost interest in sex. We had it fairly regularly but if I didn’t initiate, it wouldn’t happen. After a time, I asked her to go to a doctor to get checked out and she did and was told that it was “natural” and given a prescription for some kind of cream which she never even filled. But, in the end, l just dealt with her libido and lived my life. She always told me that she didn’t “feel sexy” due to a little weight she had gained though I always reinforced my feelings for her and how I thought she was still sexy and how much I still wanted her.

Fast forward: not long after my wife’s diagnosis for depression after our second child, she put on more weight (which I’m sure added to the depression) but she, to use her words “wanted to dig herself out of that hole” and began taking exercise/weight training classes. Eventually, she liked it so much she wanted to become an instructor, which she did. The weight flew off and she was/is in incredible shape. Further along and my boy started kindergarten where he was having a really hard time and was almost kicked out. Turns out, after a child psychologist checked him out, he was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed medication. I was always skeptical of this but in the end, it was the right decision as it was an almost immediate change in his school performance and behavior though he still has some issues.

That was a tough time but we got through it and our relationship was improving. We were walking together every afternoon, sex was more regular and things were looking up all ‘round though she would still never initiate with the notable exception of a period last year when she began reading the Fifty Shades of Gray books which seemed to stimulate her libido considerably.

Then came the Facebook bullsh*t. One day she posted something for which I made a comment and her responses afterward were just mean. Needless to say, I was pissed. When I got home she was still on Facebook (where she seemed to spend a lot of time) and I told her how mad I was. She seemed very surprised by my reaction as she just thought it was a joke but I didn’t see it that way. So I went walking to cool off and she apologized and deleted the comments. The next day, I got home early and got on our home computer to look at something and her Facebook was still up. Curiosity got the best of me and I had a look. The first message thread was with a female friend of here whose husband and I are good friends. In the string, my wife was telling her how pissed I was and that I told her that her comments made me sound like a selfish bastard, which I did say, but then she commenced to relay how selfish I was with some LOL’s and the like thrown in.

I realized this was talk between two girlfriends and though a little miffed, I got over it and my wife got home and we went walking. I mentioned to her what I had seen and we talked about and it was no big deal. After our walk, she wanted to go see if she could find a new skirt for our outing and went shopping. When she left, something triggered in my head about her Facebook messages so I went back to look again at a string with a male high school mechanic friend of hers that was helping us out with her car. She had sought him out on Facebook after it began making weird noises and he offered to help. As his shop was on my way home from work, I had seen her car there on a couple of different occasions, once stopping to meet him, and all seemed okay. That evening though, the messages were from that day where she said “I really missed seeing you today.” The tone struck me as very odd and I began to get suspicious. I dwelled on it for a few minutes and decided to go for a ride since she was supposed to be out shopping. I asked my daughter to watch our son and left. As I was driving to his shop, which was very close, I was telling myself that I was being stupid for doing this but was just compelled to do so. As I passed this shop, her car was there. It was 8:00 at night. My heart dropped into my stomach and I freaked out so bad I missed the turn and had to go through a neighborhood to get back there. I was freaking out as I pulled in and walked over. They were just standing there and nothing was going on but she seemed really surprised to see me. I asked her what the hell she was doing there at this time of night and she said she needed to pay him. Again, I was very stressed and told her we needed to go home. When we got home, I told her I had seen the messages and the tone struck me as odd and why didn’t she tell me she was going over there. She said it never occurred to her to do so but that there was nothing going on and that I was freaking over nothing. After I calmed down, I accepted her explanation but told her I did not want her speaking to him on FB anymore as I felt that her being over there was just not right and she agreed to do so though still insisting that I was overreacting.

So, later in the week, we went for our night out and had a great time. We partied down, danced, I met a lot of her old HS friends and we had spectacular sex that night. The next morning, both of us feeling a bit under the weather due to the party, we got in the pool with our son to chill and relax. But for some reason, I began have a feeling that something just wasn’t right so I got out of the pool and went in the house to check the computer. Two days before, I discovered that she had changed her FB password. I admit I was paranoid now so I had set the computer to remember the passwords when I discovered that she had locked me out which to me, was the wrong response from her and made me even more suspicious. So, though she though herself clever, I was able to access her account and had a look. My heart fell again when I saw she had spoken to the mechanic guy THAT VERY MORNING!! The same one she promised me she would not speak to again! He had contacted her to ask if everything was alright and was she okay. She responded that everything was okay but that my reaction was “stupid” with an “LOL” thrown in and that she had “looked for him all night” while we were out! I stormed out to the pool and told her she needed to come inside right now. She came in and was of course surprised that I was able to get into her account so I asked her what the F*ck was going on and why had she spoken with again and why had she tried to lock me out? She said she just wanted us to meet and hang out and again that there was nothing going on. I told her that her response to this made me even more suspicious it seemed like she had something to hide. My wife is very stubborn and her response was that she was pissed that I didn’t trust her and she didn’t feel that I should tell her who she should and shouldn’t speak to. I told her if we were both going to have FB accounts, she needed to respect our boundries and understand that she had access to all my stuff and I should also have access to hers.

So going forward, I thought this would be okay but a week or so later, another guy that I had met that night sent her a message at like 2AM asking her “whats up beautiful?” She only responded to say that he must have been drunk and left it at that. I waited a couple of days to see if she would say anything but she didn’t so I asked her if she felt that was appropriate. She said no but the guy had always been like that. I accepted that though I didn’t agree. Another week goes by and the guy sends her another message that I read while at work. He is apparently into tattoos and she had posted some kind of tattoo thing on his wall the day before. The message said, “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo on my neck of lips and would you like to be the model!” I told her that night that she needed to tell him to stop sending her messages that it was inappropriate as she was married. But she seemed to be more concerned with hurting his feelings more so than mine so I basically told her what to send; which really pissed her off. During all of this, though she is in great shape now, she lost her boobs and still had a little belly pooch from the C Section and she wanted plastic surgey. I was not really for this as I thought she looked fine and still found her sexy but she didn’t seem to care what I thought and went for the appt and had the surgery over Christmas break; even though in my opinion, it was way too much money that we really couldn’t afford.

Since all of this occurred, things have gone downhill and we haven’t had sex in four months. We went to Marriage counseling, at her behest, but she didn’t seem to like what the MC told us as far as her having to try to make this work and we haven’t gone back. I have tried to do everything I can to be a better person, father and husband for her and our family: bought books, listening to podcasts and whatever I can think of to try and get her interested in me. All to no avail. She says she still loves me, is still on love with me but no longer feels the connection and can’t bring herself to even try and be affectionate or make love. I told her if she can’t even try, how is this going to work? Last Sunday, Fathers Day we were going to take the kids to lunch and the aquarium for the day but as we were driving down the street, I just broke down in the car and started sobbing. The day before we had agreed to separate for a while and I was looking for apartments and I realized that this might be our last outing as a family and just had a nervous breakdown. We went back home and gave the kids an excuse about my losing my father (which wasn’t really why I broke down). On Tuesday, I decided that I wasn’t going to leave as I was afraid of what it would do to the kids and if she really needed space and wanted this to work, she could go to her Mom’s for a while but I wasn’t leaving and she had to agree to go see someone on her own to try and overcome whatever this mental block is she has. She agreed and that’s where we are now.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Sorry man. I think she's disengaging. 

Now's the time to start looking out for yourself. Get fit, get your finances in order, work on relationships with family and friends. 

Best case...see recognizes the man she married and becomes attracted again. Next best...you lose her anyhow but you're in the best position possible to move on with your life in a positive way.


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

Something I neglected to mention: Last week, I had a weird feeling again and while she was putting our son to bed, I checked her Ipod FB app, which is where she does most of her FB'ing these days. When it came up, I didn't even notice that the account wasn't under her name and I went straight to the messages. The only message string there was with the very same guy I asked her not to speak with again! My heart sunk and I immediately got dizzy as the messages were all sexual in nature! When she came back in the room, I confronted her and asked her what the hell was going on. She did seem confused and when I showed her, she pointed out that it was not her account but someone named Sunshine Day. She says that she left her Ipod at the gym and when she went to get it, it was at the front desk. She says that someone must have gotten on it and logged her off and logged themselves on but she always has it password protected so I don't see how this is possible. And, what are the odds of some random person at her gym logging on to her device and carrying on a EA with the VERY SAME GUY???? She swears the account is not hers and I've not been able to locate it since but the probability of that happening just seems to me to be almost incalculable. Am I wrong?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheDudeAbides said:


> Something I neglected to mention: Last week, I had a weird feeling again and while she was putting our son to bed, I checked her Ipod FB app, which is where she does most of her FB'ing these days. When it came up, I didn't even notice that the account wasn't under her name and I went straight to the messages. The only message string there was with the very same guy I asked her not to speak with again! My heart sunk and I immediately got dizzy as the messages were all sexual in nature! When she came back in the room, I confronted her and asked her what the hell was going on. She did seem confused and when I showed her, she pointed out that it was not her account but someone named Sunshine Day. She says that she left her Ipod at the gym and when she went to get it, it was at the front desk. She says that someone must have gotten on it and logged her off and logged themselves on but she always has it password protected so I don't see how this is possible. And, what are the odds of some random person at her gym logging on to her device and carrying on a EA with the VERY SAME GUY???? She swears the account is not hers and I've not been able to locate it since but the probability of that happening just seems to me to be almost incalculable. Am I wrong?


She's getting fast and good at lying. It comes with practice.

You gotta hit this head on, and you might just lose her. 

By the way what many people don't understand about cheating and affairs is once someone is used to being able to have that affair, that breaking it off is tramatizing at a certain level, almost like losing a husband or wife!

So it is painful and they keep putting off breaking it off!

With the husband or wife that is being pained by it, they rationalize that they are still there. So as long as you are still there for them, they get more and more comfortable with the alignment.

I'm kinda getting done with it all about to be "entitled" to being treated great and it's the only way...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Your wife has cheated on you. I don't know how much more proof you need.

Sunshine Day was her second account, there is a 100% chance of that. There was no-one at her gym playing on her ipad talking to the same guy you caught her with at 8 o'clock at night when she lied about where she was going. Not to mention the obvious FB messages, the lying, the not listening when you asked her not to contact him, the worrying about their feelings over yours, etc. Apparently you have asked her not to do things, and she keeps doing them. She has no consequences for her actions and it's only getting easier for her to cheat. 

There was no-one at the gym playing with her ipad. That's absolutely ridiculous. You don't play on other peoples ipads. WTF?

If you need more proof before you pull the trigger on this relationship get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) off amazon and put it in her car. When she leaves the house the next time there is a 100% chance she will call one of her lovers and you will have all the proof you need. All you are doing at this point is showing her you have no spine and she can talk her way out of what would be totally obvious to you if it wasn't your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop confronting with half-assed information. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

yep, she's trying to gaslight you.

is the mechanic guy married? 

keylog the computer, see if "sunshine day" logs in from home too


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... What will it take to prove to you that she's having an affair? 3d footage of them having sex? Remember, you most likely don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

PBear said:


> Stop confronting with half-assed information.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree. Build up enough forms of proof and confidence in your case.

If you can't deal with a cheater you let her a$$ go.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For some reason my detector is going off...

But, giving the benefit of the doubt for now...

OP, what is your current conditioning relative to your wife's? Are you in great shape, or is your wife leaving you in the dust fitness wise? Also, do you live in your spouse's hometown where she knows everyone and you don't? Also, did you move there recently?


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

Again guys, I've been suspicious but want to believe her. As for an answer to the last question: yes, this is her hometown and I'm not from here. Over the last few months, I've lost quite a bit of weight (though I was never as heavy as she was before she started working out) and am back in clothes I haven't worn in a few years though I'm not the workout fiend she is.

She swears up and down that she wouldn't cheat on me and wouldn't do that to our kids but the last FB thing really freaked me out. Yes, it is a very small town and what she says is feasible as she teaches the workout class with several people she went to high school with but I still have a hard time believing it.


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

She no longer does any facebooking on the PC, it's all on her phone and Ipod which I don't have access to as she keeps them PW protected. I am skeptical of an actual affair simply because I don't see how or where she could pull it off. I'm very good friends with her father and brother (her brother is my best friend and it's how I met her in the Navy) and they both know the whole story and call be frequently.

I seriously think she has some psychological/emotional issues that she needs to deal with but just seems stuck in how to move forward.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TheDudeAbides said:


> She no longer does any facebooking on the PC, it's all on her phone and Ipod which I don't have access to as she keeps them PW protected. I am skeptical of an actual affair simply because I don't see how or where she could pull it off. I'm very good friends with her father and brother (her brother is my best friend and it's how I met her in the Navy) and they both know the whole story and call be frequently.
> 
> I seriously think she has some psychological/emotional issues that she needs to deal with but just seems stuck in how to move forward.


Dude
In a marriage both spouses have each others passwords.
You hand her yours and demand she give you hers.
No compromising on this.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OP pm a moderator and have this moved to the cwi section.


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

The thing is, she JUST changed her PW's due to my looking last week. Prior to that, I regularly checked her phone and FB and there was NEVER anything there! Her phone messages contained nothing but back and forth with work friends. Her email; nothing but the usual stuff. And up until the weird thing last week with the FB, her account had nothing out of the ordinary. I know it looks suspicious but she's not very computer saavy and I originally set up her FB, email and the like and anything computer related I have to do for her.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I hate to mention it, but you might want to DNA test your youngest son. A lot of weird stuff was going on while he was conceived. Im hoping that is not the case, but worth a look.

She is clearly cheating with this mechanic. You should not confront her with partial info. VAR the car/home. GPS the car. Collect weeks worth of data. Then if she is still seeing him, it is certainly a physical relationship, and you should divorce


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did she tell you why she locked you out?

How do you get things unstuck? You figure out your boundaries and what you're willing to do to enforce them. Boundaries might include transparency on passwords, counseling, etc. Failing to comply with boundaries might include separation or divorce, if it's that important to you. Only you can decide. But right now, she's doing whatever the heck she wants just because she can. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Nothing will make her open up her phone and quit Facebook like divorce papers. 

Puts things in perspective if there is hope. Otherwise she is using her bambi eyes and your kids to vouch for her cheating ways. There isn't a cheater on earth that openly says, "Yes, I would cheat on you and do that to my kids."

Same story. Cheaters compartmentalize. Not only will she do it to her kids, after a few months she will be blaming you for doing it to the kids. "I did it because you were so controlling and selfish." 

A mod should move this to "Coping with Infidelity." The advice will storm in.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TheDudeAbides said:


> She no longer does any facebooking on the PC, it's all on her phone and Ipod which I don't have access to as she keeps them PW protected. I am skeptical of an actual affair simply because I don't see how or where she could pull it off. I'm very good friends with her father and brother (her brother is my best friend and it's how I met her in the Navy) and they both know the whole story and call be frequently.
> 
> I seriously think she has some psychological/emotional issues that she needs to deal with but just seems stuck in how to move forward.


LOL denial isn't just a river in Egypt is it? Naive doesn't begin to describe you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> LOL denial isn't just a river in Egypt is it? Naive doesn't begin to describe you.


Spidey sense


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

Murphy, there is no doubt that my boy is mine: he is the spitting image of me and we had no issues when he was born. PBear, yes, I asked her why she changed her PW's and she said to see if I would check. She wanted me to read something on FB last night while she was doing the checkbook and she gave me her phone and while I read what she wanted me to, I also had a look at her messages and there was nothing worth mentioning. I will tell her tonight that I need access if she wants this to work and I'll let you know what she says. 

I don't she'll have a problem with it but she's always been very stubborn and says that I have to trust her; and prior to all this sh*t, I never had a moments doubt. And she knows that too. I'm so close to all of her family, I have serious doubts about cheating just because she knows I would immediately tell her Dad, Mother and Brother and I don't think she could handle that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You said the youngest was a surprise?
DNA the kid.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

TheDudeAbides said:


> I'm so close to all of her family, I have serious doubts about cheating just because she knows I would immediately tell her Dad, Mother and Brother and I don't think she could handle that.


You won't immediately tell her Dad, Mother and Brother because you haven't immediately done anything. She apparently is safe from that risk. Do you mean you will immediately tell her parents if you literally walk in the room and see them naked together? Would you believe her if she responded "It was my first time and he never had a chance to penetrate. I was changing my mind and knew I couldn't do that to my kids. Don't tell my parents though or we will really really be over because once you do that there is no turning back and the shame will be too much." Again, to save your marriage, and save face, you decide to not tell anyone and rug sweep (which is what you trying to do now), because maybe she is telling the truth and did have a change of heart once she was nude with him. It's possible. 

This is viscous cycle and that immediate threat is a false threat.

If you meant, she won't admit to cheating even if you caught them nude together, you are right. She won't. Ever. She will lie forever.

However, she can handle that. Not only can she handle that, she can also handle a few others a bit closer than her dad, mother, and brother.

Her kids.

Where there is smoke, there is fire. She wouldn't change her passwords if she didn't have anything to hide. She wouldn't be paying a mechanic at 8 o'clock at night. She wouldn't be lying about where she was going. She wouldn't talk to the person after you asked her not to talk to the person unless she cared more about his feelings than yours. She wouldn't care about his feelings more unless she had feelings for him. She wouldn't be telling him on facebook she "looked for him all night." She wouldn't have had her ipad in someone else's hands, talking to the same guy she is being caught with, on some unknown facebook name. And she would have known who was on her ipad and could easily tell you who Sunshine was. Obviously it is her, so she'll pretend she has no idea. And no-one in her workout class would be talking to the same damn mechanic she is cheating with, on her ipad, while she is in the room, talking about sexual things. She WOULD hurt her kids, as almost every person being cheated on on these forums had kids, and they all say the same exact thing.


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

Thanks for the advice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to her family before she makes up a story where you are abusive and controlling because she will.
Just stick to the facts and ask for their support.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

TheDudeAbides said:


> The thing is, she JUST changed her PW's due to my looking last week. Prior to that, I regularly checked her phone and FB and there was NEVER anything there! Her phone messages contained nothing but back and forth with work friends. Her email; nothing but the usual stuff. And up until the weird thing last week with the FB, her account had nothing out of the ordinary. I know it looks suspicious but she's not very computer saavy and I originally set up her FB, email and the like and anything computer related I have to do for her.


She has become computer savvy. My H. Can look at anything he wants anytime he wants and if there is something he can't access for whatever reason...I give him access ASAP no questions asked on either end.


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## TheDudeAbides (Feb 5, 2014)

Yes, I am going to demand her passwords today. Some upthread seem convinced that she is screwing around and while the nagging doubt is always there, it just seems so unlikely. Especially with the mechanic guy; who is short, bald and ugly. 

She has assured me she has no interest in him and if she did, I would have to ask why? I am 6'4", around 220. I'm not fat, though I'm not really into working out as much as her. I have a great head full of hair, though I'm getting gray. Prior to her new and improved workout regimen, she was at least 50 lbs overweight. I never once gave her crap about it and accepted her for who she was and figured she would do something about it when she was ready.

Her brother and I talk almost daily and he agrees that what she is doing is totally unfair to me but doesn't think she is cheating but said he would support me whatever decision I make.

I told her by next week she needs to have an appt with another counselor, Dr. whatever in order to move this forward and if she doesn't, then I'll have no choice but to surmise that she doesn't want this to work and seek legal means.

She keeps insisting she doesn't want that and doesn't want to lose her family but I've told her that we can't have a marriage and not be intimate and if thats what she wants, then she just needs to tell me and we'll call it quits. But I'M NOT moving out; she can go stay with her Mom.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So her phone is on lockdown but at the gym some random chick took it, bypassed the password, logged into Facebook and then was kind enough to leave it at the front desk without logging out of her account. Omg you are an easy mark.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So her phone is on lockdown but at the gym some random chick took it, bypassed the password, logged into Facebook and then was kind enough to leave it at the front desk without logging out of her account. Omg you are an easy mark.


No, he knows...

Thing is, is he has to respect how his brain is still trying to trust her like it's his loyal wife, and it's not that anymore to him.

He needs almost no contact like Joka.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

dude, see a lawyer yesterday. This is a no doubter.

Losing 50 lbs, hiding phone and lying


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So her phone is on lockdown but at the gym some random chick took it, bypassed the password, logged into Facebook and then was kind enough to leave it at the front desk without logging out of her account. Omg you are an easy mark.


Wow, good catch.

Very good catch.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I understand you want to believe her. I was where you are once. I wanted so much to believe it wasn't true. I was even blaming myself and trying to make things better so she wouldn't cheat. My greatest regret to this day is I didn't grown a backbone sooner.

My previous advice stands. Get your own act together. You can't control what she is going to do but you can control what you do. Put yourself in a position of strength. Knowledge is strength, health is strength, a solid support system is strength.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Coldie said:


> Wow, good catch.
> 
> Very good catch.


Not to mention having the passwords doesn't do any good if it's only to the accounts she wants him to see. It's impossible to know how many other 'Sunny Day's' are out there.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

given that the evidence is her increased interest in other men while displaying decreased sexual interest in you - 
it is her responsibility to prove to you that, despite this evidence, she has not become a slvt. it is NOT your repsonsibility to meet her half way or extend her the benefit of the doubt. I think you should tell her this. does she like blunt talk like this? regardless, perhaps that's the best way to get through to her. she is appearing more and more like she is a "non-keeper"


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