# Want divorce but don't want to leave kids



## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

I'm already emotionally divorced from my wife but I don't want to leave my kids, they are only 4 and 3.

Any advice would be great.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd say divorce while they are young, it will be easier then if they get a few years older. 

Also more financially messy the longer you leave it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You don't give a "why" you want a divorce or have to be less than a half-time dad... Context can help people give you better advice. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The "kids" is probably what keeps most unhappy couples together. 

If your wife is also unhappy in the marriage and wanting it to be over the divorce doesn't have to end up as a war, couples can divorce and both parents can remain nearly fully engaged in their children's lives. But as divorced parents it will never be the same as a happy family unit, but it doesn't sound like you have that now.

If divorce is immanent you have to expect things to be different, but with careful planning and compromises by both parents you can lessen the pain of divorce on all parties involved. 

Why do you want to divorce your wife?


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

She is so controlling that its abusive. I have spent 6 years on trying to get a happy/okay marriage but to no avail.

I would have left earlier but I wanted my kids to learn to talk before I did.

1.) My plan would be to start packing. Apply for joint custody.

2.) Stay for 15 years then divorce her.

Any advice or past experience would be helpful.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I guess I'm confused. If you wife is so controlling as to be abusive to you, why are you not going to apply for full custody - or primary physical custody, depending on the way that's handled in your state? You may not get everything you petition for, but I would always advise anyone leaving an abusive marriage to petition the courts for as much custody as they can possibly get. You don't want to leave your children with an abusive ex/parent unless the court says you have to. Fight for your children as well as yourself.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I wouldn't want my kids around an abusive person either. Document the abuse and get as much custody as you can. Children should not be subjected to abuse, so unhealthy.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

My best plan is to stick it out for 15 years. Or until she gets abusive to my little ones.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would recommend against divorce. The courts would absolutely kill you since you want to leave while having two small kids. You will never recover financially. I have plenty of experience with this one. I wanted to get divorced to but didn't because of the state I would be in after the divorce and how much I would have to give her. I have friend that got divorced and even 15 years later they are unable to get a house, buy a car etc. Do your homework on divorce and I'll guarantee you will have second thoughts. 

Emotionally checked out? Fix it. You will always regret a divorce.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

jb02157 said:


> I would recommend against divorce. The courts would absolutely kill you since you want to leave while having two small kids. You will never recover financially. I have plenty of experience with this one. I wanted to get divorced to but didn't because of the state I would be in after the divorce and how much I would have to give her. I have friend that got divorced and even 15 years later they are unable to get a house, buy a car etc. Do your homework on divorce and I'll guarantee you will have second thoughts.
> 
> Emotionally checked out? Fix it. You will always regret a divorce.


That is what is going through my mind. I've spent way too much emotional time trying to get my wife to see a therapist and fix our relationship. Its time for me to think about myself for me and my kids.

I'll document her abuse and take recordings and pictures. The more I become emotionally independent I'm sure she'll respond with abuse.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I guess I'm confused. If you wife is so controlling as to be abusive to you, why are you not going to apply for full custody - or primary physical custody, depending on the way that's handled in your state? You may not get everything you petition for, but I would always advise anyone leaving an abusive marriage to petition the courts for as much custody as they can possibly get. You don't want to leave your children with an abusive ex/parent unless the court says you have to. Fight for your children as well as yourself.


This x100

OP, first I would gather as much evidence as possible about the abuse/control etc and ANYTHING else you can find on your wife (maybe cheating/other relationships etc).

Prepare yourself and get all evidence in place LONG before you announce the divorce.

I agree that you should leave, sounds very unhealthy for you and your children!

Also speak to a lawyer as well. I always like to recommend "no lawyer" approach (as let's face it, they are the ones that make out with most of the money) and for 2 to decide things on their own/reach mutual agreement. BUT if you say she is abusive and controlling, forget that advice.

Also be prepared to shell out good 10-15k......have some kind of finances/budget aligned. Lawyer can give you a better idea and steer you in right direction when it comes to evidence etc.

Keep us posted and good luck


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I can tell you what your life is going to look like if you go thru with a divorce. It will mean she will eventually date and you will too. More than likely both will remarry and the person you remarry may have children. This means possibly raising children that are not your own. Dealing with your ex who might always be willing to be co-operative. You may have to deal with a new wife's ex and that is not always easy. Stepkids might not accept you. new inlaws are not always accepting of a second spouse. Then you have to share kids at holidays. the kids end up with emotional issues and many times need counseling. Some side with one parent and blame the other. Oh, let's not forget the huge lump sum of child support you are going to be obligated to pay. Divorce spiders threads of stress and there is nothing easy about it.

Emotionally checked out? You say she is abusive to you which I guess you are meaning verbally. My suggestion is to first try marriage counseling. Try to fix what you have. Too often we get ourselves into another situation that is not any better than the first one.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I can tell you what your life is going to look like if you go thru with a divorce. It will mean she will eventually date and you will too. More than likely both will remarry and the person you remarry may have children. This means possibly raising children that are not your own. Dealing with your ex who might always be willing to be co-operative. You may have to deal with a new wife's ex and that is not always easy. Stepkids might not accept you. new inlaws are not always accepting of a second spouse. Then you have to share kids at holidays. the kids end up with emotional issues and many times need counseling. Some side with one parent and blame the other. Oh, let's not forget the huge lump sum of child support you are going to be obligated to pay. Divorce spiders threads of stress and there is nothing easy about it.


I would not assume above, things can go either good or bad way. It really depends on how good of a job he does finding another woman and the same for his ex.

PLENTY of great relationships with Ex and new mates.

Also, he has to think about effects his current relationship has on him and his kids (that can't be good either).



AVR1962 said:


> Emotionally checked out? You say she is abusive to you which I guess you are meaning verbally. My suggestion is to first try marriage counseling. Try to fix what you have. Too often we get ourselves into another situation that is not any better than the first one.


I do agree with this. But I have a feeling OP has been down this road already.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

mikealone said:


> I'll document her abuse and take recordings and pictures.


This will help but as long as you have small children, you will be ordered to pay more than you are able to pay.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> This will help but as long as you have small children, you will be ordered to pay more than you are able to pay.


Do NOT let our crappy justice system discourage you OP.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

AVR1962 said:


> I can tell you what your life is going to look like if you go thru with a divorce. It will mean she will eventually date and you will too. More than likely both will remarry and the person you remarry may have children. This means possibly raising children that are not your own. Dealing with your ex who might always be willing to be co-operative. You may have to deal with a new wife's ex and that is not always easy. Stepkids might not accept you. new inlaws are not always accepting of a second spouse. Then you have to share kids at holidays. the kids end up with emotional issues and many times need counseling. Some side with one parent and blame the other. Oh, let's not forget the huge lump sum of child support you are going to be obligated to pay. Divorce spiders threads of stress and there is nothing easy about it.
> 
> Emotionally checked out? You say she is abusive to you which I guess you are meaning verbally. My suggestion is to first try marriage counseling. Try to fix what you have. Too often we get ourselves into another situation that is not any better than the first one.


She has been physically and psychologically abusive too. Its kinda the story of her romantic life. First love left her, one date tried to pummel her with a baseball bat, first husband nearly died after he went out for a secret day in the woods with a bottle of vodka, 2nd husband slapped her after she punched his tooth out. Both her sons left her to live with her dad at 10 and 14. Punched me 3 times, last time I said I was calling the cops she replied " Go ahead I'll have them lock you up". That is what I'm dealing with.

Counselling as failed 3 times, she truly believes that she does not have a problem and projects everything onto me.

For example: My youngest step son left after she constantly bullied him and he left when she got physical, now she is saying he left because of me. When I remind her that my oldest step son left to live with her Dad and that I had not met her, that is when she starts to get rage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

mikealone said:


> She has been physically and psychologically abusive too. Its kinda the story of her romantic life. First love left her, one date tried to pummel her with a baseball bat, first husband nearly died after he went out for a secret day in the woods with a bottle of vodka, 2nd husband slapped her after she punched his tooth out. Both her sons left her to live with her dad at 10 and 14. Punched me 3 times, last time I said I was calling the cops she replied " Go ahead I'll have them lock you up". That is what I'm dealing with.
> 
> Counselling as failed 3 times, she truly believes that she does not have a problem and projects everything onto me.
> 
> For example: My youngest step son left after she constantly bullied him and he left when she got physical, now she is saying he left because of me. When I remind her that my oldest step son left to live with her Dad and that I had not met her, that is when she starts to get rage.


You have almost no chance in an American family court to get full custody unless you can prove domestic violence/ abuse. If you were my brother what I would recommend is wait until she hits you next time, file a police report and have her arrested, then start divorce proceedings. Since you don't know exactly when that will happen have a plan of attack now. Know how you will split the accounts, where you will put your money, research divorce attorneys and so on. This is the best shot you have


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Financially, it's likely to get worse if he waits, rather than better. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I guess it should go without saying that if you knew all these things about her you probably shouldn't have knocked her up not once but twice. 

So now that you've given an abusive monster two babies you've decided it's about that time to bail possibly. 

First,I hope you don't have a back up gal waiting for you. 
Second, before you skip out you need to document the crap out of what's been going on or you WILL get raped in court. Wear a tape recorder around your neck if you have to and warn her,on tape that she's being recorded. Anything abusive out of her mouth will be documented right there. Keep a journal. Detailed with dates,times,and locations of the incidents. 
As PBear said,it is likely to get worse for you financial if you wait. You want to spend the next 15-18 years in the prison cell of an abusive marriage? You want to teach your babies that it's ok for a spouse to be abusive? They ARE watching you and your wife and they are taking in all of this. 

Nobody deserves to be abused. I really hope you can get out of this with a fair deal. I also agree with the folks who said you need to go for full custody. Once you leave the likelihood of her taking out her bitterness on your children is very high.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

Wolf1974 said:


> You have almost no chance in an American family court to get full custody unless you can prove domestic violence/ abuse. If you were my brother what I would recommend is wait until she hits you next time, file a police report and have her arrested, then start divorce proceedings. Since you don't know exactly when that will happen have a plan of attack now. Know how you will split the accounts, where you will put your money, research divorce attorneys and so on. This is the best shot you have


The problem is I would have to have video evidence of her hitting me. She is a very good liar. When I said I was going to call the cops on her and she replied "I'll have them have you locked up" she wasn't kidding. I am going to secretly tape her admitting that she hit me in the past. I actually did a test record last night because I thought she was gonna go into a rage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mikealone said:


> The problem is I would have to have video evidence of her hitting me. She is a very good liar. When I said I was going to call the cops on her and she replied "I'll have them have you locked up" she wasn't kidding. I am going to secretly tape her admitting that she hit me in the past. I actually did a test record last night because I thought she was gonna go into a rage.


Did you check to see if that recording is legal where you are, and can be used as evidence?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I guess it should go without saying that if you knew all these things about her you probably shouldn't have knocked her up not once but twice.
> 
> So now that you've given an abusive monster two babies you've decided it's about that time to bail possibly.
> 
> ...


Yes there were red flags when I dated her but she was so convincing her excuse were that she was frustrated that we were not married and then every thing would be okay. She has a jeckyl and hide personality I saw the good side when dating her. I don't think she is a monster I think she is unwell and needs therapy and in this day and age she isn't going to get it. Her parents are no help they say she does not listen to them (I think they are happy that they don't have to deal with her, they see her Easter, Family Reunion, Thanksgiving and Christmas, 4 times a year and live 1/2 hour drive away).

I was leaving after 2 months of marriage, step kids convinced me to stay. Then she got a great job and she was on a happy high for a while that is when baby one was conceived and everything looked good. Baby 2 came out of the blue, my step daughter told me that my wife told her that baby 2 was a mistake.

I don't want to spend the next 15 years in a prison cell more like an open-air prison whereby I slowly get my freedom step by step.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> You have almost no chance in an American family court to get full custody unless you can prove domestic violence/ abuse. If you were my brother what I would recommend is wait until she hits you next time, file a police report and have her arrested, then start divorce proceedings. Since you don't know exactly when that will happen have a plan of attack now. Know how you will split the accounts, where you will put your money, research divorce attorneys and so on. This is the best shot you have


Believe it or not that still won't matter. Even if you can prove abuse to you or the kids, if you are a woman in an American court you will get away with this kind of behavior.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

mikealone said:


> I don't want to spend the next 15 years in a prison cell more like an open-air prison whereby I slowly get my freedom step by step.


I won't be freedom my friend. You might be free from her but you will financially wrecked for life.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> Did you check to see if that recording is legal where you are, and can be used as evidence?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, but then again if she knows I have recordings of her abuse she may think twice before she goes into a rage.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mikealone said:


> Nope, but then again if she knows I have recordings of her abuse she may think twice before she goes into a rage.


You could always threaten to make copies and send them to everyone she knows. Exposure might be your friend here.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

jb02157 said:


> I won't be freedom my friend. You might be free from her but you will financially wrecked for life.


She already wrecked me. She made out she was sensible with money.

She told me she was a highly paid nurse, she was actually a nurses aid until she got fired.

She told me her house was hers and fully paid for, another lie she rented it.

She told me her car was hers, it was her fathers who had loaned it to her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

mikealone said:


> She already wrecked me. She made out she was sensible with money.
> 
> She told me she was a highly paid nurse, she was actually a nurses aid until she got fired.
> 
> ...


You didn't know these things before you married her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

How long did the two of you date before getting married? That's an awful lot kept hidden! wow


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mikealone said:


> She has been physically and psychologically abusive too. Its kinda the story of her romantic life. First love left her, one date tried to pummel her with a baseball bat, first husband nearly died after he went out for a secret day in the woods with a bottle of vodka, 2nd husband slapped her after she punched his tooth out. Both her sons left her to live with her dad at 10 and 14. Punched me 3 times, last time I said I was calling the cops she replied " Go ahead I'll have them lock you up". That is what I'm dealing with.
> 
> Counselling as failed 3 times, she truly believes that she does not have a problem and projects everything onto me.
> 
> For example: My youngest step son left after she constantly bullied him and he left when she got physical, now she is saying he left because of me. When I remind her that my oldest step son left to live with her Dad and that I had not met her, that is when she starts to get rage.


What made you marry this woman knowing gall of the above?


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You could always threaten to make copies and send them to everyone she knows. Exposure might be your friend here.


Exactly.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mikealone said:


> My best plan is to stick it out for 15 years. Or until she gets abusive to my little ones.


I must disagree with this! You are subjecting your children to witnessing misery and dysfunction if you stick this out when you DONT want to be in the marriage! You will be teaching them that THIS is what marriage is, and they will end up in marriages JUST LIKE YOURS. GET OUT while they are so little, they will adjust quickly and not even remember you two to together!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This is the same woman as your post in 2008? I think you should call the cops anyway when she hits you, even if she threatens to lie when they get there. You'll have a record of you being the one to call.
Do you neighbors live close? Could they have witnessed anything (even just hearing it)?


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> You didn't know these things before you married her?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I believed what she said.

I sent flowers to her on her birthday at the hospital where she worked.

I found out she didn't own the house 2 years in the marriage when the landlord came knocking at the door demanding unpaid rent.

I found out she didn't own the car when her friend borrowed it and had a crash and died in it.

Call me naive but honestly who makes up lies like that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? Just curious, it doesn't change your existing situation. As far as that goes, if I was you I'd be talking to a lawyer about your best exit strategy, and then getting out ASAP. It's not going to do you or your kids any good to stay there for the next 15 years. If you allow her to inflict this kind of punishment on them, you're as guilty of neglect as someone who starves their kids. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mikealone said:


> No I believed what she said.
> 
> I sent flowers to her on her birthday at the hospital where she worked.
> 
> ...


Honestly, THIS should have been enough to get you to divorce her. These are not little lies!


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> I must disagree with this! You are subjecting your children to witnessing misery and dysfunction if you stick this out when you DONT want to be in the marriage! You will be teaching them that THIS is what marriage is, and they will end up in marriages JUST LIKE YOURS. GET OUT while they are so little, they will adjust quickly and not even remember you two to together!


I know a wife who has just divorced her husband because in 15 years of marriage he was never home, she enjoyed all the money he gave her but she said she didn't want to show her kids that this was what marriage was.

I doubt that getting divorced affected her husband at all.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PBear said:


> How long did you date before you got married? Just curious, it doesn't change your existing situation. As far as that goes, if I was you I'd be talking to a lawyer about your best exit strategy, and then getting out ASAP. It's not going to do you or your kids any good to stay there for the next 15 years. I*f you allow her to inflict this kind of punishment on them, you're as guilty of neglect as someone who starves their kids. *
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> How long did you date before you got married? Just curious, it doesn't change your existing situation. As far as that goes, if I was you I'd be talking to a lawyer about your best exit strategy, and then getting out ASAP. It's not going to do you or your kids any good to stay there for the next 15 years. If you allow her to inflict this kind of punishment on them, you're as guilty of neglect as someone who starves their kids.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


2 years. She isn't inflicting punishment on the kids. She did on the step sons. They live at Grandpas and are young men now. She is a pain to my 15 year old step daughter but she will stick up for Mom no matter what. 

This is no easy thing. The key would be for all to do an intervention but no-one will because they are happy with me holding the pillars up, so to speak. If I go those pillars are gonna come tumbling down and I don't want my kids to get hurt.

I hope this analogy makes sense.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's abusing you, she did it to her step sons, and she's a pain to her daughter. And you think she'll continue to be great to your kids? 

And the abuse is also about how they see you being treated. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> :iagree:


Okay say I leave my wife. Her biggest fear is abandonment (probably got it from having cya 4 times a year parents). She goes into depression and cuts her wrists and is successful this time (she did this with crazy ex husband who left razor blades around the house enticing her to do it, he also caused his sister to hang herself). 

What do I tell my kids? Mummy is in heaven because of Daddy leaving her.


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## mikealone (Nov 26, 2008)

PBear said:


> She's abusing you, she did it to her step sons, and she's a pain to her daughter. And you think she'll continue to be great to your kids?
> 
> And the abuse is also about how they see you being treated.
> 
> ...


Maybe if I'm around she'll think twice. I think there is a possibility that Mommy treats Dad like crap so we will too. She has taught my step daughter to think this way to me and her Dad.

I have no doubt that my step daughter is going to have problems in adult life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, if you want to stick around in that relationship and be abused, knock yourself out. But the odds of you changing her behavior when you've shown her that you're not willing to make a stand over things are very slim. Your choice, your life, though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mikealone said:


> Okay say I leave my wife. Her biggest fear is abandonment (probably got it from having cya 4 times a year parents). She goes into depression and cuts her wrists and is successful this time (she did this with crazy ex husband who left razor blades around the house enticing her to do it, he also caused his sister to hang herself).
> 
> What do I tell my kids? Mummy is in heaven because of Daddy leaving her.


If that happens, its ALL HER. No one is responsible for that except the one screwed up enough to take their own life! If thats what is keeping you there, then I am emphasizing even more that you need to GET OUT and take your kids with you!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Believe it or not that still won't matter. Even if you can prove abuse to you or the kids, if you are a woman in an American court you will get away with this kind of behavior.


Untrue. I have been in the courtroom several times when a father was awarded full physical custody. Only time I've seen it done is when physical abuse or neglect can be proven, or when the mother is under a psych hold of some kind.

Nothing is going to be 100% but family courts believe themselves to be acting in the best interest of the kids.... So when abuse is proven the other parent generally can get full custody.

To clarify that's physical abuse they mostly don't care about mental or emotional abuse


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

mikealone said:


> No I believed what she said.
> 
> I sent flowers to her on her birthday at the hospital where she worked.
> 
> ...


Those are red flags that should never EVER be ignored.

Deal breaker for sure!!!

You know who makes up lies like that? Someone that is extremely shady and completely messed up. Not someone I would EVER trust, sorry.

Grow a pair of balls and stand up to this woman like you should have MANY years ago. Keep the kids completely out of the equation, they will be fine regardless if you are married or not (actually much better of when you 2 are divorced.....away from this woman).

It seems like you not only cut your balls of here buddy, but also threw them on the ground and stomped on them.

Sorry


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

mikealone said:


> The problem is I would have to have video evidence of her hitting me. She is a very good liar. When I said I was going to call the cops on her and she replied "I'll have them have you locked up" she wasn't kidding. I am going to secretly tape her admitting that she hit me in the past. I actually did a test record last night because I thought she was gonna go into a rage.


A lot of this depends on the jurisdiction, training of officers and what physical evidence she would leave....in other words a claw like scratch across your face would go toward probable cause. Yes video and audio evidence would help and easy to accomplish but you can't bait her either. That I'll come back on you in court


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Oh man what a mess I guess you should try and document as much as possible - maybe a hidden camera or tape recorder whatever captures this abuse


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## Melissa R (May 1, 2014)

I have stayed in a marriage for 23 years for my kids. They are teenagers now and see the character and personality flaws of their dad. I stayed because of economics and because I felt that I had to be there to protect them from his free flowing hostility and extremely up and down behavior. I hold my husband accountable for his behavior and they see it. and realize that his behavior is wrong. My husband has a relationship with his kids because I facilitate it and run interference for them when needed. If I left him long ago, he would not have much of a relationship with his kids from his previous marriage or ours. I believe I have done right for my kids. It has taken a toll on me though. I have struggled with the stay or go question and felt the lesser of two bad choices was to stay for the betterment of my kids. Jury is still out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Melissa R said:


> I have stayed in a marriage for 23 years for my kids. They are teenagers now and see the character and personality flaws of their dad. I stayed because of economics and because I felt that I had to be there to protect them from his free flowing hostility and extremely up and down behavior. I hold my husband accountable for his behavior and they see it. and realize that his behavior is wrong. * My husband has a relationship with his kids because I facilitate it and run interference for them when needed. If I left him long ago, he would not have much of a relationship with his kids from his previous marriage or ours. * I believe I have done right for my kids. It has taken a toll on me though. I have struggled with the stay or go question and felt the lesser of two bad choices was to stay for the betterment of my kids. Jury is still out.


While I applaud your efforts, HIS relationship with his kids is HIS responsibility, not YOURS, and if it crashed and burned, then it would be on his head. How healthy is it really to have a forced relationship with their father? If he really wanted it, he would make sure it happens. I think you need to back away and give yourself a break.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

My recommendation is to face your feelings honestly and commit to doing whatever it takes to renew your marriage relationship. I struggled in the first few years of my marriage thinking that I had "settled" for someone who I was never going to truly love. When our two children showed up, I decided to invest myself into my wife. The result is that I love her so much more than I ever thought possible. Do you really think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? There really is help available. Try Googling “marriage help” and see what you find.


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## asandsnake (May 1, 2014)

As someone that grew up in a home with unhappy parents, it will be easier on your children if you leave. They are young and this will become their normal. It is tough growing up knowing that one of your parents wants out, and they will be able to tell.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Holly smokes, I just seen the original thread by OP.

That's horrible and confirms our advice. Evidence > Divorce FAST

OP, you have a LOT of "working on yourself" to do. How did you allow this to happen and proceed to this point is beyond me. You should end up with a lessons learned log and read it daily. YOu will need to better yourself and learn from all of this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mikealone said:


> My best plan is to stick it out for 15 years. Or until she gets abusive to my little ones.


Puhleeeze don't stick around for 15 years in a miserable, abusive relationship. Is this what you want your kids experience to be growing up, and their "take" on marriage?

They will figure out pretty quickly that you two are miserable. Then they will be miserable too.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3065-my-wife-unbearable.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/34899-weird.html

?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mike,

You wrote your first post SIX YEARS AGO before you even had kids!! Same problems, same desire to get out of the marriage.

Why in the world did you have kids with this unstable woman?!

It's on you. Own it. I really have no advice for you, but I do feel sorry for kids -- you had a choice in the matter, they didn't.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like she has a personality disorder and refuses to get help (not uncommon) and you are codependent because you value her well-being over your own personal safety and that of your kids.

Get out. It would be different if she were willing to get help but she sees nothing wrong. I know people who refuse or go, take meds for a short time, think all is well and then drag their family through hell and back over and over. I also know some who manage it well, take medication and are very self-aware and recognize when they start to overreact.

Bottom line, if she wants to make it work she'll get help. If she doesn't you need to leave. If you leave you need to take the kids because *IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOUR YOUNG CHILDREN*. 

Get a recorder or a hidden camera. Personally I would record first and get clarification on legalities later - I'd rather get a slap on the wrist for electronic eavesdropping when it's done to get proof so I could protect the children. In my state voice recordings are legal even when the other parent is alone with the kids because you consent on their behalf to record their conversations. There is also some legal case precedence on this.

You are NOT responsible for her well being or her getting help. In fact, leaving her and taking the kids may be the ONLY way to shake her up enough that she does seek help. If she kills herself you tell the kids "Mommy was sick" and when they are old enough to understand mental disorders you expand that to mentally sick.

In addition, you ARE setting an example of what is OK. Would you want your daughter or son in your shoes one day? Feel your heartache and frustration, feel cornered and desperate? Then leave.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

From previous posting Dude sounds WELL versed in mental health issues

Strange he would be posting like this???

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physic...mply-do-not-care-post7987122.html#post7987122

mikealone
Member

Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 41
Default Re: I simply do not care...
You could try lithium orotate, here is a good video from the Mars and Venus guy John Gray. Note: I'm not telling you to buy from this guy, you can get lithium orotate cheaper if you shop around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijMbycw2boM



Dialectical behavioral therapy is good for bipolar, you can self teach yourself from books from your local library. I loaned this one from my local library.

WPS | unlocking potential

DBT Holds Promise For Patients With Bipolar Disorder | Psychiatric Times


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yup, codependent. He thinks he can "fix" her enough to put up with her for another 15 years. Easier said than done.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

NAh, well maybe

but his posts just don't add up

the pieces don't fit

one post he talks about his STEP DAUGHTER

then about alienation ....fishy fishy



03-23-2014, 01:06 PM #18 (permalink)
mikealone
Member

Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 41
Default Re: Do you wear your wedding ring?
Gave my ring back to my wife last Monday, told her she was disloyal.

This is due to my step daughter giving me some adolescent attitude and my wife siding with her.

Told my wife I'm not putting up with her parental alienation.


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