# Life is complicated



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I had to think about it a bit to decide just which forum to post this in, as it incorporates themes from several of them. I decided on "Sex in Marriage" because sex is, at the least, an ingredient in all of it.

First, some background. You'll have to bear with me for a few paragraphs.

My wife and I have been married for a little over two years (after knowing each other and dating for about nine years prior). I'm not a very religious person at all, and my wife isn't extremely so either, although she comes from a family of practicing Catholics, which I believe has some degree of influence on her. Anyway, since we got married in a church, they required us to take a few little "prep courses" prior to the wedding. It was all well-intentioned subject matter, if you ask me, and for the most part, not even all that steeped in dogma. One of them, though, which was a little more in line with the dogmatic aspect, was "Natural Family Planning" (for those unfamiliar, essentially methods of birth control that rely on biological signs and observations rather than methods such as physical barriers and chemicals and such). I think my wife felt more comfortable with this approach, or at least that it was less intrusive, complex, and risky than pills or other chemical methods (and we don't care for condoms - we both feel it diminishes the experience a lot), and it reports a fair success rate, so I was willing to go this route as well. However, as I imagined would be the most likely failing with such a method, we misread some signs and ended up pregnant barely two months after the wedding.

Shortly thereafter, while my wife was pregnant, I began treatment for severe anxiety and depression (brought on at least partly by the number of life changes I was experiencing at the time), which consisted of both psychotherapy and pharmaceutical therapy. I ultimately ended up on a fairly high dose of antidepressants, most of which I am still taking daily. This had the effect of initially all but killing my sex drive, but I've regained a portion of it since then, although nowhere near what I was like years ago (my psychiatrist did prescribe a moderate stimulant to try to counteract the "de-energizing" effects of the other drugs, which helps somewhat). I've discussed the side-effects with both my psychiatrist and my regular doctor, but both agree that there probably isn't much that can be done that wouldn't likely disrupt my otherwise successful treatment. Since then, aside from the birth of our son (who is now two years old), we've also found ourselves working quite a bit between us (particularly my wife, who mentioned to me that she counted out about 70 work hours just last week). Job stress is definitely an issue for us, but especially so for her.

My wife and I get along quite well. We don't fight much, and what disagreements we have are civil. We enjoy each other's company, kiss each other goodbye every morning before work, and spend time together when we can (usually consistenting of an evening out to dinner while grandma watches the little one). There is sex (about once or twice per month), although not as much as I'd personally like (I'd prefer perhaps weekly, at least). However, when you mix all the ingredients I've mentioned or implied together (mental health issues, libido-killing drugs, stress, anxiety, unplanned pregnancy and concerns about the risk of another, and having a toddler in the house much of the time when we're both at home), it results in very little sex, or even desire for it at times. Very often, she's simply too tired or busy, or it's just very late by the time we get our son to sleep. Sometimes it's even me who doesn't feel up to it, even on a night when I figure she'd have said yes (I'm generally the one who initiates), because I'm also tired or just not feeling enough drive.

I'm not sure I'm laying out a specific problem so much as just looking for perspective. Maybe I'm actually not that far from "normal" (such as it was). I could admit that I wish we had more time together, just us, although the various demands of life make that difficult and probably not likely in the short term. I wish we both felt more sex drive, although between the antidepressants for me and the stress for her, I feel like that's probably not going to happen soon. I wish we felt comfortable having sex more often than the handful of days each month that we feel are "safe" (we restrict ourselves much more than the actual NFP practices would ordinarily call for; the unplanned pregnancy really "spooked" us, and the amount of stress in her life has a reputation for messing up the biological signs you're supposed to watch anyway). I'm not by any means close to giving up, but like I said, perhaps I'm just looking for perspective.

Thanks.


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Yours is a fairly common situation. What might be helpful would be to reflect on what you would really like from your marriage and your life. Do you have any goals? If not, why not set some? Life has a habit of flying by and and you don't want to live your later years in regret.
Try to find some time to share your thoughts and aspirations with your wife and come up with a common vision. You might find yourself considering a change of lifestyle and priorities - it really comes down to what you want from life and what you are prepared to do to get it.


----------



## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Sex is not the issue it is the depression, right? Once you are through it things might be back. Have you ever tried mindfullness meditation?
And then there is the BC issue. It is allways a pain in the back. Maybe you try out another method or you supplement your current method, by condomes for example - not what I want! Look at sister zeus website for a more natural approach or there is a herbalist called susun weed which has a good website too and there is a yahoo group which is called herbalcontra.


----------

