# Trouble Accepting Wife's Work Husband



## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

I would like to say this is my first post and am glad that I found a site like this. I have read some advice but I do know that every situation and person is different. Any advice or help is gladly appreciated. To begin with me and my wife have been together for 7 years married since 2011. I can say that to me its a happy marriage...with only 1 or 2 heated arguments in our history. We have a total of 4 children from our own and past relationships. I am 33 and she is 35. She works at a large retail store while I work at a convenience store. She usually works extremely early in the mornings and is out of the house by 4:30 and it is up to me to get the kids ready for school. I usually am up by 5 and the final child is out of the door by 8:15. And from then till 2 I do housework watch tv surf the net...whatever. And then at 2 I head to work which also happens that my wife gets off at 2. I usually get home around 8:45 but sometimes not till 9:45 or 10:45 depending on the day of the week since my store's hours vary. When I'm at work I am also the only one who is there. For those who work alone for the majority of the time I'm sure you can attest to how tedious and boring it can become. My wife though has a coworker in her office about 75-80% of the time.

And therein lies the problem...Her main coworker is female and I do not have a problem with her. But one of the managers in her store. He is younger and newly single but they were friends before his girlfriend broke it off with him. He is 20 years old by the way. I hadn't really noticed that a friendship was forming because a lot of the time I'm at work when she is home and am home when she is at work. It wasn't until I realized that she was texting him while I was home.

Instead of spending what little time we have together she is sending him a texts but also her female co-worker. When I broached the subject of why she is sending him texts her response was " Oh its nothing just about work. Besides your on the laptop and not paying attention to me. ". That part was true I was online but it was because we were trying to watch a show together or so I thought but instead she starts playing on her phone so I figured our show and time together was boring her. So I went on the laptop and started doing my own thing.

I voiced my concern later about how it had bothered me that she was texting him but she kinda blew it off. She even said that I could look at them and see what they were about. I said no...I thought it would be an invasion of her privacy and let it go. A day or two later she tells me that her and two of her female coworkers are planning a girls night out. I had no problem with that but I had a sinking feeling it wouldn't just be a girls night. I was suspicious and checked her phone while she was in the kitchen making dinner on one of the odd nights that we were both off in the evening. I found the texts that she had sent to him and was somewhat relieved that it didn't look like he was flirting with her at all...But then I looked like she was 

She had texted him 3 times in a row but he hadn't responded to a one of them. The last one was his name three times in a row almost like she was begging for his attention. And as I scrolled up I noticed that on another evening she had texted him that she was bored and had no one to talk to...That was a night that I was home too. And also that they were going to see a friend of his singing Karaoke who happens to be a coworker of theirs. And asked if he would be there. He said yeah and she asked if she could hang out with him. He said yeah...But what really got to me is that its better to talk to him through text than me face to face. I didn't say anything. I felt anger betrayal guilty for looking through her phone. 

And I let it fester and I knew she could tell. She went to get a new outfit for her girls night. I was mad about the texts about her wasting money that we needed but to be honest she hasn't gone out and done anything with friends in 6 years so I cant blame her for wanting to go out. She kept asking if everything was ok and I was short with her and said something like yeah. After I had known that he was going I wanted to see how long it would take her to shoot me down. I told her I could see if I could change my hours and it took her a total of 2 seconds. I kinda moped around the house for the next couple of days and 2 days before she finally tells me that he might be there. I said I figured as much the way you shot me down. Plus I told her I checked her messages she wasnt really upset only said. See I told you he isn't flirting with me but then I brought up her texts to him. She was being a friend is what she said.

I should have said this earlier but also I had gotten upset when she said that she was heading up to bed and I said ok be up in a few minutes ( we usually try to go to sleep together ). And I was and when I got up there shes texting him in our bed. I was pissed off. And I asked her why she was texting him in our bed and her answer was its no big deal or something like that. Well it must have been if she tried to say if it was one of our guy friends it would be ok. To me when you try to defend an action like that you already know its wrong. And we had a discussion about it and she said you have nothing to worry about. Hes the same age as my daughter. And then she said besides I would never cheat on you but you would! ( To be honest I never have cheated on her but I did have an odd online fling like cyber sex on a yahoo chat many years ago. Never saved a screen name or anything like that.)

So I was visibly upset and walked out of the house. We chatted a while more and went to bed. That actually happened before she went out with her friends. The guy didn't end up showing up because his then gf came into town. Well I got off work came home on that night and my mom left because she was babysitting. I was home by 10:45 and in bed by 11. She came in about 12:30 or 1. She told me he didn't show...Guess I gotta take her word. Well they still text but not in bed that I know of. All this happened about a month and a half ago.

Now about 2 weeks ago she calls me at work and asks me if its ok if he came over to play some games. We're both into playing video games and board games. I didn't like the thought and told her so but she just wanted to hear me say yes. Now the kids were there too.

Earlier when we had had our conversation about texting in bed she had stated that " She's sutbborn and doesn't like it when people try to tell her who she can be friends with. That it just makes her want to be friends with that person that much more. ". How am I supposed to take it. Does that mean that the more I tell her I don't like the idea of him coming around that she'll have him over even more? Plus when we were talking I asked her why she was texting him while I was home and her answer was " He pays attention to me. Your just on the laptop. " Does that mean she'll take the attention wherever she can get it? 

I've heard the term an emotional affair and am afraid that one can develop or is already developed. But I conceded because I know she doesn't care if I'm happy with it just that I tell her I'm ok with it because its what she wants to hear. He had left before I was home which I was grateful of. 

It was around this time maybe earlier that she told me she was bored. Right now we have no car. Only one parent who works full time that can babysit. Don't get much time together. Her best friend has lost over 100 lbs went from a 20-22 to a size 6 so now shes the big friend. ( They were both about the same size. ) and we will be grandparents in Nov/Dec. She doesn't just want to be known as mom or grandma or my wife which I truly understand. Heck I've been out with my own friends without my wife only 2 times in 6 years. It gets boring very boring. 

So I told her I'm fine with her having friends even him. I'm just not comfortable with him being there without me. He doesn't seem like that bad of a guy. This past Tuesday the 10th was my payday I get paid every Tues. She calls me at 7:50 I get off at 8 mind you and she says that he is over and that I can meet him. I'm like oh great I'm doing back flips in my head. So we kind of argue through text.

The bad thing is every payday she always leaves earlier than me so she takes my card to get groceries. And at lunch in their break room she invites him to dinner without even asking me. So I've been at work for 6 hrs with nothing to eat or drink and was looking forward to going home and spending time with the wife and kids and instead I get to meet the work husband.

So I head home and when I get there I'm the one who feels out of place. All this talk of boredom and being in a funk seems like its a distant memory to her. Shes smiling and her him and the kids are playing The PS3. I wasn't rude but wasn't exactly in the mood to be the life of the party. I said hi to him and went to make some Lasagna. As I'm eating my wife asks if I want to play. Why would I? I was just standing in basically the same spot for 6 hrs and and to walk back and forth to work. I want to eat and rest my feet. ( They're playing a dancing party game with the PS3's motion controller. )

My wife is off the next day so around 9:30 I tell my daughter to go take her shower and tell me when shes done so I can take mine. My wife says why don't you take it in the morning and I say I've to go get up early. I have to make sure the kids are ready for school. And she says I'm off tomorrow I'll do it but I tell her to sleep in. So I go to take my shower and change into some pajamas. I take the youngest daughter upstairs and she wants to sleep in my bed. I tell my wife to have fun playing games and go upstairs to my room to go to sleep because for once I can work a morning shift one of 3 or 4 a month that I get. 

I left them downstairs alone and went to bed. But of course I didn't sleep I just laid there thinking about the things that might be wrong. That might be making her depressed. Maybe I'm not around enough? Maybe I'm harping on this guy too much? Maybe just like me she just wants some friends that will come around to spend time with her? ( My friends really don't come around much anymore...Just busy with their own lives. ) So I laid there and waited for her dozed off and on. When she came in she noticed that I wasn't asleep. And we talked for a bit to be honest I had to work hard to hold back tears. I'm glad it was in the dark that we were talking.

She said they just listened to music and played UNO. I was thinking that it doesn't to play a game. She said she'd like to play with me but all we do is watch tv or she just sees the back of my head with I'm on the PC. So we played and it did take a long time to get to 500 lol. But part of me told myself that basically everyday that I'm on evenings shes gonna try to invite him over now because I let her before. On Friday and Sunday I switched hours and lo and behold on Saturday I was working the evening shift and she invited him and one of his friends over. Well I was 2-9 and got a ride home. Was there before they showed up because they couldn't make it till 10. 

I gave him a chance. I'm a nice guy. He likes wrestling and baseball and we played some video games. But I'm just scared that because I let it happen before that she'll do it all the time. Have him over that is. I was cheated on before but not by my wife by an ex of mine. So I do have trust issues and insecurities of my own. I can tell my wife that she is beautiful and that I love her but I'm afraid that it just falls on deaf ears. Because she just says your my husband your supposed to say that. I don't have to say anything I tell her that because I mean it. 

This is bothers me though she has told me that she enjoys the attention he gives her and that worries me. If she enjoys the attention what else might she enjoy if I let things go to far. I don't want to nag her to death about this stuff. It seems like he is all we ever talk about now. And I don't want to accuse her of stuff and make her want to lash out at her " controlling husband " because I don't want to be that type of man. 

I might have made a mistake too I was trying to look like a considerate husband and invited him over to watch wrestling on Monday night. So now there is an even wider door that has opened. Does it sound like this door is open too far now? And if so is there a way to shut it? I don't want to keep my wife locked away without friends and just to myself. But I don't want to feel left behind either.....

Sorry for the length of this post. I've just had a lot on my mind these last couple of months and had to get it off of my chest. For anyone that actually takes the time to read this and or give their advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

This is IMPOSSIBLE to read. You're going to have to break this up into paragraphs if you want some responses! PLEASE!


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> This is IMPOSSIBLE to read. You're going to have to break this up into paragraphs if you want some responses! PLEASE!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

It is impossible to read.

WWHT


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Uhhh I read it without to much difficulty - although it would be easier to read with paragraphs. 

I would be wary of this relationship. It does sound like an emotional affair could be forming. 

Time to get out of your comfort zone and not ignore your wife when you are together. 

Engage and listen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

Sorry I'll try to do better next time and edit it. Kinda hard when you have a lot on your mind but at work now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

soulseer said:


> Uhhh I read it without to much difficulty - although it would be easier to read with paragraphs.
> 
> I would be wary of this relationship. It does sound like an emotional affair could be forming.
> 
> ...


Thanks...I do try to spend time with her when we can...She loves Food Network and is a great cook. I try to dvr all the shows she likes so we can watch them together. So we'll start to watch them. She'll be in her spot and I'll lean on her and while the shows on Im watching it and shes texting away or on fb on the cell. It gets to me that picturee of peoples cats and song lyrics are more interesting than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> Sorry I'll try to do better next time and edit it. Kinda hard when you have a lot on your mind but at work now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will get more replies to your post if you go back and edit it. 

Just from the title, if your wife has a work husband then you need her to find another job ASAP. She needs to go NC.

Indeed when you edit the above I will read it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

thegreatshow said:


> i would like to say this is my first post and am glad that i found a site like this. I have read some advice but i do know that every situation and person is different. Any advice or help is gladly appreciated. To begin with me and my wife have been together for 7 years married since 2011. I can say that to me its a happy marriage...with only 1 or 2 heated arguments in our history. We have a total of 4 children from our own and past relationships. I am 33 and she is 35. She works at a large retail store while i work at a convenience store. She usually works extremely early in the mornings and is out of the house by 4:30 and it is up to me to get the kids ready for school. I usually am up by 5 and the final child is out of the door by 8:15. And from then till 2 i do housework watch tv surf the net...whatever. And then at 2 i head to work which also happens that my wife gets off at 2. I usually get home around 8:45 but sometimes not till 9:45 or 10:45 depending on the day of the week since my store's hours vary. When i'm at work i am also the only one who is there. For those who work alone for the majority of the time i'm sure you can attest to how tedious and boring it can become. My wife though has a coworker in her office about 75-80% of the time. And therein lies the problem...her main coworker is female and i do not have a problem with her. But one of the managers in her store. He is younger and newly single but they were friends before his girlfriend broke it off with him. He is 20 years old by the way. I hadn't really noticed that a friendship was forming because a lot of the time i'm at work when she is home and am home when she is at work. It wasn't until i realized that she was texting him while i was home. Instead of spending what little time we have together she is sending him a texts but also her female co-worker. When i broached the subject of why she is sending him texts her response was " oh its nothing just about work. Besides your on the laptop and not paying attention to me. ". That part was true i was online but it was because we were trying to watch a show together or so i thought but instead she starts playing on her phone so i figured our show and time together was boring her. So i went on the laptop and started doing my own thing. I voiced my concern later about how it had bothered me that she was texting him but she kinda blew it off. She even said that i could look at them and see what they were about. I said no...i thought it would be an invasion of her privacy and let it go. A day or two later she tells me that her and two of her female coworkers are planning a girls night out. I had no problem with that but i had a sinking feeling it wouldn't just be a girls night. I was suspicious and checked her phone while she was in the kitchen making dinner on one of the odd nights that we were both off in the evening. I found the texts that she had sent to him and was somewhat relieved that it didn't look like he was flirting with her at all...but then i looked like she was ...she had texted him 3 times in a row but he hadn't responded to a one of them. The last one was his name three times in a row almost like she was begging for his attention. And as i scrolled up i noticed that on another evening she had texted him that she was bored and had no one to talk to...that was a night that i was home too. And also that they were going to see a friend of his singing karaoke who happens to be a coworker of theirs. And asked if he would be there. He said yeah and she asked if she could hang out with him. He said yeah...but what really got to me is that its better to talk to him through text than me face to face. I didn't say anything. I felt anger betrayal guilty for looking through her phone. And i let it fester and i knew she could tell. She went to get a new outfit for her girls night. I was mad about the texts about her wasting money that we needed but to be honest she hasn't gone out and done anything with friends in 6 years so i cant blame her for wanting to go out. She kept asking if everything was ok and i was short with her and said something like yeah. After i had known that he was going i wanted to see how long it would take her to shoot me down. I told her i could see if i could change my hours and it took her a total of 2 seconds. I kinda moped around the house for the next couple of days and 2 days before she finally tells me that he might be there. I said i figured as much the way you shot me down. Plus i told her i checked her messages she wasnt really upset only said. See i told you he isn't flirting with me but then i brought up her texts to him. She was being a friend is what she said. I should have said this earlier but also i had gotten upset when she said that she was heading up to bed and i said ok be up in a few minutes ( we usually try to go to sleep together ). And i was and when i got up there shes texting him in our bed. I was pissed off. And i asked her why she was texting him in our bed and her answer was its no big deal or something like that. Well it must have been if she tried to say if it was one of our guy friends it would be ok. To me when you try to defend an action like that you already know its wrong. And we had a discussion about it and she said you have nothing to worry about. Hes the same age as my daughter. And then she said besides i would never cheat on you but you would! ( to be honest i never have cheated on her but i did have an odd online fling like cyber sex on a yahoo chat many years ago. Never saved a screen name or anything like that.) so i was visibly upset and walked out of the house. We chatted a while more and went to bed. That actually happened before she went out with her friends. The guy didn't end up showing up because his then gf came into town. Well i got off work came home on that night and my mom left because she was babysitting. I was home by 10:45 and in bed by 11. She came in about 12:30 or 1. She told me he didn't show...guess i gotta take her word. Well they still text but not in bed that i know of. All this happened about a month and a half ago. Now about 2 weeks ago she calls me at work and asks me if its ok if he came over to play some games. We're both into playing video games and board games. I didn't like the thought and told her so but she just wanted to hear me say yes. Now the kids were there too. Earlier when we had had our conversation about texting in bed she had stated that " she's sutbborn and doesn't like it when people try to tell her who she can be friends with. That it just makes her want to be friends with that person that much more. ". How am i supposed to take it. Does that mean that the more i tell her i don't like the idea of him coming around that she'll have him over even more? Plus when we were talking i asked her why she was texting him while i was home and her answer was " he pays attention to me. Your just on the laptop. " does that mean she'll take the attention wherever she can get it? I've heard the term an emotional affair and am afraid that one can develop or is already developed. But i conceded because i know she doesn't care if i'm happy with it just that i tell her i'm ok with it because its what she wants to hear. He had left before i was home which i was grateful of. It was around this time maybe earlier that she told me she was bored. Right now we have no car. Only one parent who works full time that can babysit. Don't get much time together. Her best friend has lost over 100 lbs went from a 20-22 to a size 6 so now shes the big friend. ( they were both about the same size. ) and we will be grandparents in nov/dec. She doesn't just want to be known as mom or grandma or my wife which i truly understand. Heck i've been out with my own friends without my wife only 2 times in 6 years. It gets boring very boring. So i told her i'm fine with her having friends even him. I'm just not comfortable with him being there without me. He doesn't seem like that bad of a guy. This past tuesday the 10th was my payday i get paid every tues. She calls me at 7:50 i get off at 8 mind you and she says that he is over and that i can meet him. I'm like oh great i'm doing back flips in my head. So we kind of argue through text. The bad thing is every payday she always leaves earlier than me so she takes my card to get groceries. And at lunch in their break room she invites him to dinner without even asking me. So i've been at work for 6 hrs with nothing to eat or drink and was looking forward to going home and spending time with the wife and kids and instead i get to meet the work husband. So i head home and when i get there i'm the one who feels out of place. All this talk of boredom and being in a funk seems like its a distant memory to her. Shes smiling and her him and the kids are playing the ps3. I wasn't rude but wasn't exactly in the mood to be the life of the party. I said hi to him and went to make some lasagna. As i'm eating my wife asks if i want to play. Why would i? I was just standing in basically the same spot for 6 hrs and and to walk back and forth to work. I want to eat and rest my feet. ( they're playing a dancing party game with the ps3's motion controller. ) my wife is off the next day so around 9:30 i tell my daughter to go take her shower and tell me when shes done so i can take mine. My wife says why don't you take it in the morning and i say i've to go get up early. I have to make sure the kids are ready for school. And she says i'm off tomorrow i'll do it but i tell her to sleep in. So i go to take my shower and change into some pajamas. I take the youngest daughter upstairs and she wants to sleep in my bed. I tell my wife to have fun playing games and go upstairs to my room to go to sleep because for once i can work a morning shift one of 3 or 4 a month that i get. I left them downstairs alone and went to bed. But of course i didn't sleep i just laid there thinking about the things that might be wrong. That might be making her depressed. Maybe i'm not around enough? Maybe i'm harping on this guy too much? Maybe just like me she just wants some friends that will come around to spend time with her? ( my friends really don't come around much anymore...just busy with their own lives. ) so i laid there and waited for her dozed off and on. When she came in she noticed that i wasn't asleep. And we talked for a bit to be honest i had to work hard to hold back tears. I'm glad it was in the dark that we were talking. She said they just listened to music and played uno. I was thinking that it doesn't to play a game. She said she'd like to play with me but all we do is watch tv or she just sees the back of my head with i'm on the pc. So we played and it did take a long time to get to 500 lol. But part of me told myself that basically everyday that i'm on evenings shes gonna try to invite him over now because i let her before. On friday and sunday i switched hours and lo and behold on saturday i was working the evening shift and she invited him and one of his friends over. Well i was 2-9 and got a ride home. Was there before they showed up because they couldn't make it till 10. I gave him a chance. I'm a nice guy. He likes wrestling and baseball and we played some video games. But i'm just scared that because i let it happen before that she'll do it all the time. Have him over that is. I was cheated on before but not by my wife by an ex of mine. So i do have trust issues and insecurities of my own. I can tell my wife that she is beautiful and that i love her but i'm afraid that it just falls on deaf ears. Because she just says your my husband your supposed to say that. I don't have to say anything i tell her that because i mean it. She has told me that she enjoys the attention he gives her and that worries me. If she enjoys the attention what else might she enjoy if i let things go to far. I don't want to nag her to death about this stuff. It seems like he is all we ever talk about now. And i don't want to accuse her of stuff and make her want to lash out at her " controlling husband " because i don't want to be that type of man. I might have made a mistake too i was trying to look like a considerate husband and invited him over to watch wrestling on monday night. So now there is an even wider door that has opened. Does it sound like this door is open too far now? And if so is there a way to shut it? I don't want to keep my wife locked away without friends and just to myself. But i don't want to feel left behind either.....sorry for the length of this post. I've just had a lot on my mind these last couple of months and had to get it off of my chest. For anyone that actually takes the time to read this and or give their advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


This is like the forrest of *Mirkwood*

I'm afraid if I read it I will get attacked bt giant spiders.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> My wife though has a coworker in her office about 75-80% of the time. And therein lies the problem...Her main coworker is female and I do not have a problem with her. But one of the managers in her store. He is younger and newly single but they were friends before his girlfriend broke it off with him. He is 20 years old by the way.
> 
> I hadn't really noticed that a friendship was forming because a lot of the time* I'm at work when she is home and am home when she is at work.* It wasn't until I realized that s*he was texting him while I was home. Instead of spending what little time we have together she is sending him a texts* but also her female co-worker. When I broached the subject of why she is sending him texts her response was " Oh its nothing just about work. Besides your on the laptop and not paying attention to me. ". That part was true I was online but it was because we were trying to watch a show together or so I thought but instead she starts playing on her phone so I figured our show and time together was boring her. So I went on the laptop and started doing my own thing. *I voiced my concern later about how it had bothered me that she was texting him but she kinda blew it off.* She even said that I could look at them and see what they were about. I said no...I thought it would be an invasion of her privacy and let it go.
> 
> A day or two later she tells me that her and two of her female coworkers are planning a girls night out. I had no problem with that but I had a sinking feeling it wouldn't just be a girls night. I was suspicious and checked her phone while she was in the kitchen making dinner on one of the odd nights that we were both off in the evening. I found the texts that she had sent to him and was somewhat relieved that it didn't look like he was flirting with her at all...But then I looked like she was ...*She had texted him 3 times in a row but he hadn't responded to a one of them. The last one was his name three times in a row almost like she was begging for his attention.* And as I scrolled up I noticed that *on another evening she had texted him that she was bored and had no one to talk to...That was a night that I was home too*. And also that they were going to see a friend of his singing Karaoke who happens to be a coworker of theirs. And asked if he would be there. He said yeah and she asked if she could hang out with him. He said yeah...But what really got to me is that *its better to talk to him through text than me face to face.* I didn't say anything. I felt anger betrayal guilty for looking through her phone. And I let it fester and I knew she could tell.


I got this far and highlighted what I think are serious flags.

1) You don't like this because it's what amounts to an EA with this guy. She's blowing you off for him. He's filling some emotional void/need in her.

2) I don't think you should feel bad for looking. She told you she didn't mind you doing it. She should have nothing to hide and she's your wife. I'm one of those married people that think there is no such thing as privacy other than going to the bathroom in a marriage. My husband can check phones or whatever he wants to, I have nothing to hide, and neither does he.

3) Bored? With you right there she's bored? Red flags are waving. This reaching out to others for whatever it is she wants needs to stop. It's one thing to have friends, but what she's doing is going overboard. It's become intrusive to your family.

You don't have to accept anything here. You have reservations and you should, your wife is walking on thin ice with this guy. Teetering on inappropriate.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It seem to be she's being very disrespectful at the very least. Frankly I find it hard to imagine finding anything attractive in 20-year old for a 35 year old but I do know it happens. Plus after thinking over it for a second, I realize my view might be consider sexist because I could see it if the male was 35 and the woman was 20. But that goes to the whole notion of men being send as the protector and keeper of the gate, so maybe that's why I feel that way.

Anyway, still this relationship to me is not a friend to your marriage at all. If a spouse have a problem with an OS friend within a marriage, then the other spouse should respect that. I think she is being selfish, and probably more. Do you feel comfortable putting your foot down about this? It could possibly lead to some type of affair if it haven't already.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have noticed (and I will get toasted for this but I don't care) that women tend to get roped into EAs without even knowing they are in an EA.

I think that is what is happening here. I honestly think your wife feels she is doing nothing wrong by becoming cozy with this man. 

Unfortunately, if you do not put a stop to it now, she could slide down that slippery slope into a full blown physical affair. You need to nip this in the bud. 

Expose this man to his wife if he has one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Friend, you've got a problem brewing with this kid. Even if your wife doesn't have a sexual affair with him, she's already dating him, and getting emotional support and attention from him. 

She is also making him a priority over you.

Texting in your bed is a good example as is inviting him into your family time.

I notice you didn't mention about her female coworkers coming over. I notice that you weren't invited to go out with them. Her buying a new outfit to have a few drinks with friends seems like she's trying to be more attractive too.

A physical affair could easily happen. He's twenty and will sleep with just about anything if its easy to come by.


I do think you need to laydown a few boundaries - it's not ok to be texting him in the evenings after work.

He's her boss, and not appropriate buddy material.

You might want to get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it shows how once innocent friendships quickly escalate into much more and destroy marriages.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Could it be his gf broke it off with him because of your wife? If you could get in contact with her that might help.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Friend, you've got a problem brewing with this kid. Even if your wife doesn't have a sexual affair with him, she's already dating him, and getting emotional support and attention from him.
> 
> She is also making him a priority over you.
> 
> ...


You have to talk to her asap that you are not ok with this. You may even have to file to wake her up.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sure the gf of this guy isn't too happy about his texting habits either.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell your wife she can have all the female friends she wants. This one is not kosher.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> I would like to say this is my first post and am glad that I found a site like this. I have read some advice but I do know that every situation and person is different. Any advice or help is gladly appreciated. To begin with me and my wife have been together for 7 years married since 2011. I can say that to me its a happy marriage...with only 1 or 2 heated arguments in our history. We have a total of 4 children from our own and past relationships. I am 33 and she is 35. She works at a large retail store while I work at a convenience store. She usually works extremely early in the mornings and is out of the house by 4:30 and it is up to me to get the kids ready for school. I usually am up by 5 and the final child is out of the door by 8:15. And from then till 2 I do housework watch tv surf the net...whatever. And then at 2 I head to work which also happens that my wife gets off at 2.
> 
> *DING DING DING. This is a marriage killer. Working on opposite shifts puts a huge strain on a marriage. This has to change ASAP. If you do all the housework you are messing up too but that is another discussion.*
> 
> ...


My advice stands. She must quit her job immediatley and go full NC with him.


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

Thanks for the advice...My wife does have female work friends. one of them that does come over. Part of me will admit that I am a bit jealous because of her ability to make friends.since I mostly work alone and spend the majority of my time at my house either with her alone I can't exactly make friends with my customers and invite them over. So part of my I guess you could call it negativity might stem from that fact too. But thank you it for the advice about the book I'm going to see if it's available at the local library.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay your wife is having an Emotional Affair at least. She is giving another person the time, affection, and support that you are supposed to get. She is not fully in your marriage. What she is doing is disrespectful and should be stopped. 

How do you stop it.
(Evidence)You need to start collecting what you can. GET A VAR and put it in her car. Then text messages, emails, phone records showing they are talking too much, and then, once you have enough evidence to conclude that she is having an affair EA or PA. ( this is largely up to you. You don't have to wait to find pictures of them doing it) You just need enough evidence so that when she start braying about how they are just friends. That there is nothing going on I love you. Blah Blah blah hell she even might be affectionate about it and give you hope. That you can look at the evidence and say yea no you are full of S%$& and this ends now. 
If you don't have enough evidence she could just deny everything and push the affair underground. So once you are sure you know what is going on you proceed to step two

Step two 
(confrontation)
Show the evidence you have and demand the relationship end. This has to be an all or nothing deal here. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Because as long as the A exists you don't have a marriage. Tell her that she is to send him one last message that tell him she is recommitting to your marriage, she is sorry for her actions, and that he is not to contact your wife in any way. Make her do it in front of you so she can't sulk off and setup new lines of communication. 

Then NO Contact make it a hard rule that, if you so much as find out they are communicating in any way at all, that she is out the front door. Also if you can afford for her to quit her job then the must quit her job and seek employment elsewhere.

After no contact starts you have to stay on top of your game. You need to know if she is just committing to a false reconciliation. This brings on step three.

(TOTAL TRANSPARENCY) She is to turn over her phone, laptop, and/or anything she used to communicate with the Other Man. You are to start digging for the truth. Be prepared for trickle truth. You will have to keep asking questions and asking but eventually she will expose more of the truth. If she starts telling you to get over it tell her you will once all of her stories make sense. 

Ideally you want the confrontation, no contact and total transparency to start on the same day. Is she won't commit to all three then tell he to leave. If she won't then you leave. Now it is really time to hit the Affair hard wiiiiiittthhhhh.......

(Exposure)
It isn't as important that exposure be on the same day as everything else. But The stories I have read where everything hit at once really did a good job of making sure the the WS and AP did not have a chance to reconnect. 

The most strategic targets in exposure are:
1) WS parents, and extended family (make sure that your WS doesn't get a chance to manipulate them on his/her side.)
2) The wife/Girlfriend of the AP. (This makes it harder for the AP to try focus on your WS. He has to deal with his problems first and hopefully the APW makes it impossible to connect with your wife.)
3) Close friends and mutual friends. ( this will help you find out if any of her friends enabled or encouraged the relationship. Those that did are toxic and need to be excluded from your marriage.)

After that comes the marriage counciling and the final decision to R or D. Be prepared for blame shifting where the A is all your fault and she starts tell you how distant and blah blah blah. It's crap she's trying to save her dignity, simply respond with..... Really it seemed that you were really close to me before you decided to give you time and attention to the OM. You will have to, at some point, work on the marriage problems that pre existed before the affair. But until the Affair is dead and gone, You need to turn everything back on the affair and don't give her any grounds that she can enable herself to feel justified. 

Either way be prepared for the worst and hope it isn't as bad as you think.
Also throughout this whole ordeal you need to try to stay as level headed as possible. the more emotional you get the more susceptible to manipulation you will be. Don't take her at her word, the old line I hear, "I could just tell by how she was acting that she was being truthful".... IF that was the case we'd all have caught and ended our wives affairs CWI wouldn't exist. I hear this line and it says to me, "I am hurting and would rather be in denial and live ignorant than try and face the whole reality." If your wife has been in an A for a while EA or PA she has learned how to manipulate you and make you believe it so trust but verify. 
The number one goal here is to find the truth so that you can decide your next move.


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

it would be great if there was no contact or if we could afford to have her quit her job. But the problem is she makes 14 dollars an hour while I make 8 neither one of us have a skilled labor job. She is the one who makes more than me while I work part time maybe 30 hours a week. She does do pretty much all the cooking. Well I do the dishes trash in laundry. She cleans the bathroom in the kitchen. Overall the seven years we've been together have been great it's just these last few months have been bad. But thank you for the advice so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> it would be great if there was no contact or if we could afford to have her quit her job. But the problem is she makes 14 dollars an hour while I make 8 neither one of us have a skilled labor job. She is the one who makes more than me while I work part time maybe 30 hours a week. She does do pretty much all the cooking. Well I do the dishes trash in laundry. She cleans the bathroom in the kitchen. Overall the seven years we've been together have been great it's just these last few months have been bad. But thank you for the advice so far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Disrespect was mentioned earlier by another poster. Can you see how this can happen with your present financial circumstances? This guy is younger, is a manager, makes equal or more than she does, and may have more of a formal education than you do. Most managers have at least an associates degree.

I guess what I'm saying is that some of her interest in him is that he has more appealing qualities than you do. Conversation, gives her attention, is fun and outgoing...

I know you don't want to be competing for your wife. You really don't want to encourage her and this guys relationship beyond a working one. Having him in your home is over the line IMO especially with the kind of texting and back and forth you have seen. I get along with my supervisor, but that's where it ends. He's not my buddy or friend, he's my employer. Maintaining a professional relationship is appropriate. What your wife is doing is NOT.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> it would be great if there was no contact or if we could afford to have her quit her job. But the problem is she makes 14 dollars an hour while I make 8 neither one of us have a skilled labor job. She is the one who makes more than me while I work part time maybe 30 hours a week. She does do pretty much all the cooking. Well I do the dishes trash in laundry. She cleans the bathroom in the kitchen. Overall the seven years we've been together have been great it's just these last few months have been bad. But thank you for the advice so far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So realize you are trading away your wife for 14 dollars an hour.

As has been said this 20 y/o has more going for him than you can deliver. Sorry but this is the truth. 

What happens when she asks you to leave? That her BF objects to her being alone with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you see if there is work you can change too that pays better and has better hours. Your job hours are keeping you away from home, and aren't paying you a lot.

Heck, the 20 yr old is your wife's boss. If he can get a job like that, why not you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No GNO's that include the work bf. No playdates at home with the work bf. No socializing with the work bf. Period.

Put your foot down. If you can't afford for her to switch jobs right away, she stays completely professional with this and has zero social contact with this KID outside of work.

You are her husband. You have a right to insist on proper boundaries.


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I suggest you see if there is work you can change too that pays better and has better hours. Your job hours are keeping you away from home, and aren't paying you a lot.
> 
> Heck, the 20 yr old is your wife's boss. If he can get a job like that, why not you?


lol he's more like a cashier manager he's not really her boss per semaybe I said it wrong earlier the more like eaquls I guess he only makes about a dollar more an hour than I do. I have been looking for jobs. Identifications out I want a better job but its just hard to find one right now. I'm not trying to throw my marriage away for $14 an hour. The problem is I pay child support she has a deadbeat accident and pay his and we have rent and bills to pay. We don't have parents that we can live with. Everything that we have we have to pay for on our own I have no brothers and sisters and she only has one. And no parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> lol he's more like a cashier manager he's not really her boss per semaybe I said it wrong earlier the more like peoples I guess he only makes about a dollar more an hour than I do. I have been looking for jobs. Identifications out I want a better job but its just hard to find one right now. I'm not trying to throw my marriage away for $14 an hour. The problem is I pay child support she has a deadbeat accident and pay his and we have rent and bills to pay. We don't have parents that we can live with. Everything that we have we have to pay for on our own I have no brothers and sisters and she only has one. And no parents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear this. There is nothing that would force me to accept my wife having this affair with this guy. Nothing.

Besides you refused to stop this when you could. You keep allowing and enabling it.

How about you stop doing that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> lol he's more like a cashier manager he's not really her boss per semaybe I said it wrong earlier the more like peoples I guess he only makes about a dollar more an hour than I do. I have been looking for jobs. Identifications out I want a better job but its just hard to find one right now. I'm not trying to throw my marriage away for $14 an hour. The problem is I pay child support she has a deadbeat accident and pay his and we have rent and bills to pay. We don't have parents that we can live with. Everything that we have we have to pay for on our own I have no brothers and sisters and she only has one. And no parents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whatever he does, it's more appealing than YOU. She is willing to toss _you_ aside for $14 an hour. You're standing there scratching your head about it. You want this to stop? Man up and put your foot down. If you DON'T do that, you'll continue to have more of the same. She'll keep inviting him over in your absence... texting in bed will resume... GNO's with him hanging too will become more frequent.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

So . . . your response to your wife disrespecting you/your marriage was to sulk for a few days?

My advice is to tell your wife that she can be the best of friends with this guy but she will do it as a single woman and if thats what she chooses you will start dividing up the assets that day - maybe that would show her that you are a man that REFUSES to allow his wife to have a boyfriend.

The fact is that she is behaving this way because you allow it. If you dont start asserting yourself now this is only going to end badly.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
the thing jumps out at me most is how immature your wife seems. 35 yr old women likes to "hang out" with 20-yr old boy! what's her problem? whatever it is she's amking it your problem too. I say tell her to knock it off with him...completely. if she objects ask her if it's OK for you to meet some new women......just to make a few more friends is all...that she can trust you etc.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

There are so many red flags here I don't know where to start.
You are right to be worried. To me it sounds like she has a crush on him, if it's not already a EA. 

He *is* meeting needs for her, needs she has told you about that are not being met. Often before someone cheats or walks away from a marriage they do verbalize that they are not happy.... we have to listen to this and 'do something' about their concerns if we want to affair proof our relationships. Your wife wants your time, conversation and attention.. a need for women as common as the need for sex in men.

As much as I think your wife is behaving badly, you two don't spend anywhere near enough time together... bonding and being a couple. Are both of your work hours a permanent thing? Can they be changed to be more marriage friendly hours?

The usual suggestion is a minimum of 15 hours a week spent together as a couple and that doesn't include anytime staring at any kind of screen or sleeping or working. 

Could you two find a few hours a week to spend alone, with no friends invited? You can just sit and chat or cook/bake, go out for meal, play board (or other kinds) games, do some DIY around the house/garden, learn a new hobby, exercise, walk the dog, go fishing etc etc...

IMO being a good spouse means spending time together, having fun and making good memories and deposits in our 'love-banks'...to keep the bond strong. Without that strong bond it's easy for others to step in and fulfill the needs that are being neglected.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are making $8/hr and working late. 

Get those resumes out and start looking. You are looking for more $, but also much better hours that will let you be with your wife.


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

waiwera said:


> There are so many red flags here I don't know where to start.
> You are right to be worried. To me it sounds like she has a crush on him, if it's not already a EA.
> 
> He *is* meeting needs for her, needs she has told you about that are not being met. Often before someone cheats or walks away from a marriage they do verbalize that they are not happy.... we have to listen to this and 'do something' about their concerns if we want to affair proof our relationships. Your wife wants your time, conversation and attention.. a need for women as common as the need for sex in men.
> ...


thanks for the advice. I have been trying to work as many the morning shift as I can my job is the one that's more flexible about the hours. Her job is very unusual thing about hours. Everything has to be done at a certain time in a certain way. The bad thing is about the place that she works at her job is one of the few full time positions if she would step down in going going to another department. Her hours without a medically needy cut by 10 to 15 a week and we would risk losing our house. Right now there is no one who can help us financially. But lately I have been trying to spend more time with her. But the Green Monster jealousy always is there even when I am spending time with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> thanks for the advice. I have been trying to work as many the morning shift as I can my job is the one that's more flexible about the hours. Her job is very unusual thing about hours. Everything has to be done at a certain time in a certain way. The bad thing is about the place that she works at her job is one of the few full time positions if she would step down in going going to another department. Her hours without a medically needy cut by 10 to 15 a week and we would risk losing our house. Right now there is no one who can help us financially. But lately I have been trying to spend more time with her. But the Green Monster jealousy always is there even when I am spending time with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you. But I will go on to say that having a house is useless to you if you have to leave your family eventually. This is nothing in thos world that would make me accept my wife in an afair like this. No jobs, no house, no anything. But this is me. YMMV.

So you are going to basically say, you give up because you cannot afford to save your marriage. You are surrendering your wife to a 20 y/o man/kid. Wondermous. This reminds me of the movie stripes when Bull Murray says " You can't leave ... all the plants will die."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a good article about emotional affairs, print it, and hand it to her. Wait while she reads it. Then tell her this has to end. Ask her for her input on how to change this situation. Really listen to her.

And then talk to her about how the two of you can find a compromise on your work schedules. It's unlikely your marriage will survive if you continue to spend fewer than 5 hours a week together.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Is she decent to be around when you spend time with her? 
Or does she text, FB, ignore you, or pick at you when you do something together?


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

badcompany said:


> Is she decent to be around when you spend time with her?
> Or does she text, FB, ignore you, or pick at you when you do something together?


no she is good compa We enjoy each others company and we still do I just find it off her having a male friend in my house I have taken a lot of the advice to heart. And I'm going to do something about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He is meeting some of her Emotional Needs. Only her husband should be meeting those needs. Read the book His Needs Her Needs to understand. As soon as another male meets some of her ENs, you are in serious trouble. Women WANT strong men. They WANT their man to say NO MORE.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

thegreatshow said:


> thanks for the advice. I have been trying to work as many the morning shift as I can my job is the one that's more flexible about the hours. Her job is very unusual thing about hours. Everything has to be done at a certain time in a certain way. The bad thing is about the place that she works at her job is one of the few full time positions if she would step down in going going to another department. Her hours without a medically needy cut by 10 to 15 a week and we would risk losing our house. Right now there is no one who can help us financially. But lately I have been trying to spend more time with her. But the Green Monster jealousy always is there even when I am spending time with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should be jealous... this 20 yr old kid is fulfilling *YOUR* wifes need for companionship and conversation. You need to step up and take over that role. Pronto!

I would be very lonely if I was apart from my hubby as much as you two are. I would be craving attention and companionship. 

You have been given a bit of a gift. Your wife has told you *BEFORE* she steps out of the marriage (at least I hope so) that she has unmet needs.

I think this misbehaving of hers is a cry for help...she wants your attention.

Be the bigger man. Give it to her and save your marriage before MR 20 yr old ruins it all.

*And* stop inviting him over for play dates 

Date your wife ...not him.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Interesting situation.
OP , the reason this situation exist is because you have demonstrated weakness on every level.

Here's whats happening.
Your wife got bored , started a pursuing a man more than 10 years her junior.
Yes, she's the one pursuing him , because she texts him and sometimes he doesn't respond , she invited him to the GNO , and he refused to show up , and if that wasn't enough , she eventually invited him home . All of this , in spite of the fact that she knew all along how you felt.

She is courting this man and using emotional blackmail against you , in an effort to force you to accept it.
Technically, she's justifying her indiscretion by your lack of attention , and rubbing it in your face.
This is what you need to do.
You cannot fix this with him in the picture , because he's causing the problem. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND , HENCE HE IS YOUR ENEMY.
A marriage functions best when there is ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN involved. Right now there are two men in your house , and one woman.

So here's what you tell your wife.
1)Tell her you married her because you only wanted one woman in your life and house , and that's her.
2)Tell her that both of you have problems and the marriage needs fixing.
3)Tell her that you will no longer compete with him for what she promised to give you alone.
4)Tell her she has to get rid of him if she's interested in fixing the problems in the marriage.
5)Tell her if she refuses , that she's not interested in fixing the problem , and you want a divorce , because you and your kids deserve better.

Do not ask , plead or beg her , and for gods sake ,do not cry.

She will call you controlling and jealous and say he's just a friend.
Ask her if she would be ok with you having a female friend , doing whatever you please , because that's what she's doing.
If she says yes , then you might need to reconsider your marriage to her. It means she no longer cares.

Pack her stuff , call a cab and kindly tell her to leave.

If she doesn't get it by then ,no matter how you try to be nice , she never will.

Doesn't matter if she's making more money than you, doesn't give her the right to disrespect you, and your kids.

I've been married for some time and my wife CANNOT bring a man ,except her family or a serviceman in our home when I'm not there. In return i CANNOT entertain any woman for any reason , except my family when she's not at home.
We have both agreed it amounts to disrespect.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Here's whats happening.
> Your wife got bored , started a pursuing a man more than 10 years her junior.
> Yes, she's the one pursuing him , because she texts him and sometimes he doesn't respond , she invited him to the GNO , and he refused to show up , and if that wasn't enough , she eventually invited him home . All of this , in spite of the fact that she knew all along how you felt.
> 
> ...


Goto agree with Caribbean Man here. 

TBH, I came to TAM with a very similar situation. Heck as I read through your post I saw so many similarities I was shocked.

First off - opposite shifts frequently work for committed couple. The issue becoames on of isolation either by one or both. You wife is young and still has emotional neededs. 

Second - You really have to put her in your position and as you do that get those job search applications out there - fast. Not just because of whats happening now but because of what you need for the future. 

As suggested start with a controlled conversation with her. Practice what you want to say until it doesnt cause any emotional reaction. when your this concerned its easy to lose that composure and start (as we see) getting to the anxious and tearful side. If it does then she will see she is winning. 

Put it to her that people have a mixed aquaintances in the work place, that is understandable. This guy is a manager and is to a degree over stepping the professional boundries - managers and subordinates cannot mix well as "friends" as there is a conflict of interest. 

Be prepared for athe "he's young enough to be my son" comment. It means nothing when hormones are involved. 

Make sure she sees the example of you bringing home a younger model and what she will feel about it. Make it clear that you can and will be prepared to do that - you cannot be seen to be sabre shaking, she needs from here on to know you mean what you say without it be a threat. 

Your W seems to be steadily setting up and emotional affair which can go PA very soon. If not already.

You need to be clear about boundries - list them and learn them and then deliver them to her. 

She is making a seperate life for herself under your nose. (Ive been there and saw it happening with my W). It will be claimed that it "just friendly chatter on texts". You can see them if you like! UUmmm, what about any that you havent seen because they are deleted once read or sent? (been there and seen that as well). You may want to tie up texts you know about with her bill (without her knowing at this stage) I guess there will be some that you know about as she sits there texting and many that you dont. 
The texting has to be part of the boundry setting. The bedroom is off limits to anyone male female or in between. Its you and your W's domain only.

Make it clear if hes over the house its when otheres are there as well, and not his friends but female friend of your wife or friends of both of your. Its not acceptable to entertain in the manner she is doing so. 

Dont be afraid to "forget" to tell her that your shft is changed and your hoem earlier than expected if you are really concerned. and consider being available when she and all her "friends" have a night out, Suggest youll come as well so that you can meet everyone and socialise with people - its a good way to make friends, isnt it? esecially as you dont have friends you socialise with at this time. 

Be clear about the discomfort you feel and what it looks like to others looking in . You have been hurt in the past, you need to feel secure in this relationship and she needs to knwo that. Its part of the boundry setting. 

DONT assume shes happy looking at the laptop ot TV for films that you like. Let her pick some and you watch together. If she picks it and starts the texting, pause the streaming or drop the sound on the TV. If she questions why, tell her your hanging on for her to finish so you can continue to watch TOGETHER. The message will take a time to get across. Keep doing this. If you are monitoring her, keep it to yourself! If there are issues that you ned to find out then you dont need these being covered up.

Keep communication open as much as possible, listen when she talks and take interst. You both work in reatl so at the very least you have that to talk about. Use the children and their day as a talking point, plan things to do together. If she resistes doing something in favour of being with the "manager" make it clear youd hoped to do something as a family. Dont make plans to block her contact with this man. She will see that and throw it back at you.

Make itr clear that your time together is very important as you do work opposite shifts. You want to have family and wife time.

Dont play games or use the computer and ignore her. Its a easy trap to fall into. Make it be seen that your there and available.

If she starts texting as you sit together fine - but as part of the boundries set a no "text talk time". 

Be welcoming to her friends, and be observant as well. There is an old saying "give then enough rope and they'll hang themselves".


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to lead. Stay off the computers when she is around. When you are spending time with her, and whips out tje cell phone tell her to put it away. You have quit being on the pc to spend time with her, she can do the same. And yea get a job that pays a living wage and better hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and go visit this 'man' and give him the what the hell speech.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I have noticed (and I will get toasted for this but I don't care) that women tend to get roped into EAs without even knowing they are in an EA.
> 
> I think that is what is happening here. I honestly think your wife feels she is doing nothing wrong by becoming cozy with this man.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have never had an PA.
But I can see how sometimes it seems like women have EA.. even without knowing so.

I have had weird things happen to me, with TWICE guys getting very aggressive and me being confused. I guess they thought we were dating?! But I thought we were just friends.

(BTW in my case this was NOT when I had a H or BF)

Now that I'm older I have realized that men who don't know you can very easily feel like you want something more.

This guy is 20 years old... I'm sure he sees this as more even if from the standpoint of being so young and not in many LTR.

Your wife is leading him on.. and even if it's innocent to her it probably won't be for him soon...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

The woman my stbxh left me for is someone he worked with for 12 years and stayed in touch with after he left the company. They were just "friends".


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

thegreatshow, not only are you letting this young guy into your marriage, but your feeble, wishy-washy response makes you look very unattractive to her. 

So at the same time that the guy is strengthening his bond with your wife, you're weakening your bond with her with your acceptance of your wife's dates with him. 

In her eyes, you're pathetic by letting her 'date' this guy. In her eyes, this guy is attractive to her because he's fearless about swooping in and taking your wife. She likes that.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

people never think that cheating esp. Cheating they are downplaying by saying that it's not really cheating, and they didn't *even* save any pictures after having cyber sex... They never think that those things are going to come back to bite him on the ass . well they do .

the truth is that when you cheated and yes you did cheat , you weakened the bonds of your marriage . with her relationship with this boy is on the up n up or not part of her justification for being allowed to maintain this friendship is what you did in the past . and if you're glossing it over with us and that's what you did with her, then I suspect she never got over it . you didn't accept that what you did was very, very bad.

You need to get honest with her about what you did, the full extent of what you did, not just what you got caught doing, and apologize profusely . you must understand what you did was a huge breach of trust and an afront to your vows .

and any remorse that you show must be genuine! if you can't do that then I don't anticipate that she will give up this boy . 

I also wonder how much you are projecting .

that said , no more beating around the bush when you talk to her . when you have something to say say it . when she offered her phone to you you should have looked . your discomfort should be taken seriously but I think you should also examine your actions . 

she have a general lack of respect for you ? well it's obvious that you help with the kids , perhaps the amount of time that you spend on line has bothered her over the years . also you said you don't work many hours . as a wife I wouldn't be happy with that .

you said she has been out since 6 years . does that include going out with you ?

while I know there has been a story or two about an older woman ending up having an affair with an extremely young man for the most part women aren't terribly interested in 20 somethings. they just don't see them that way .

They offer time to chat and to joke around. And another perspective. but if they're having deep meaningful conversations and she isn't being a mom to him, discussing your marriage and personal issues, then I would be more concerned.

It still doesn't mean she is falling for the guy, but it can get into dangerous territory if her boundaries are fuzzy.

And nothing prevents him from developing feelings.

Her boundaries are the key. That is where the discussion should lie. If she won't honor your concerns, include you and be respectful, your problem is deep and this is where it is coming out. This is a power struggle. It is about resentment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> people never think that cheating esp. Cheating they are downplaying by saying that it's not really cheating, and they didn't *even* save any pictures after having cyber sex... They never think that those things are going to come back to bite him on the ass . well they do .
> 
> the truth is that when you cheated and yes you did cheat , you weakened the bonds of your marriage . with her relationship with this boy is on the up n up or not part of her justification for being allowed to maintain this friendship is what you did in the past . and if you're glossing it over with us and that's what you did with her, then I suspect she never got over it . you didn't accept that what you did was very, very bad.
> 
> ...


The online incident is in the past...it was about 6 years ago. Hasn't happened since I apologized and took responsibility. I work on avg 30-34 hrs a week. Am currently looking for a new job that has better hours though.

Her problem is when I say that I don't want him at the house the response I get is... " Fine I'll him that I can't be friends with him. I'll treat him like a piece of crap like everyone else does. I'll sit at home fat depressed and alone just like you. I'll be the fat dumpy housewife that you want. " ......

That's the type of response I get. Like it was stated earlier basically her trying to use emotional blackmail into me conceding. And I've realized that for what it is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Her problem is when I say that I don't want him at the house the response I get is... " Fine I'll him that I can't be friends with him. I'll treat him like a piece of crap like everyone else does. I'll sit at home fat depressed and alone just like you. I'll be the fat dumpy housewife that you want. " ......


What is she, 5 years old? I can see a child talking this way because you said no, not your wife who should be a mature adult who respects her husband.

How 'everyone' treats this guy isn't her or your responsibility. She can be friendly with him without having him over and texting him all day long. He isn't her FRIEND. They're co-workers. An acquaintance, and an intrusion on your family. Tell her to get over herself and knock the dramatics off. You aren't buying it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have never had an PA.
> But I can see how sometimes it seems like women have EA.. even without knowing so.
> ...


Most people in EAs do not see it as an EA ... but it is. Their thinking is impaired by brain chemicals. They do believe that they are just friends. At some point it evolves to being romantic. And then they realize they are "in love". This feeling is real. It is an addiction. The problem is that one needs to stop an EA early. You will not leikly be able to reason with them. You have to be firm. I think EAs are very common. People will just say they have a close OSF. They really believe this. But they are bonded to that person. EAs often turn romantic and then sexual. But they do not have to. Marriages are destroyed in the early stages of an EA. Not just by penetration.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thegreatshow said:


> The online incident is in the past...it was about 6 years ago. Hasn't happened since I apologized and took responsibility. I work on avg 30-34 hrs a week. Am currently looking for a new job that has better hours though.
> 
> Her problem is when I say that I don't want him at the house the response I get is... " Fine I'll him that I can't be friends with him. I'll treat him like a piece of crap like everyone else does. I'll sit at home fat depressed and alone just like you. I'll be the fat dumpy housewife that you want. " ......
> 
> That's the type of response I get. Like it was stated earlier basically her trying to use emotional blackmail into me conceding. And I've realized that for what it is.


And my response to her is ... good. You must go NC with him. The response is not to give such a childish reply any credibility. Who cares what she says. It is not about what she says. It is about you asserting your boundaries and then her behavior. 

You will not be able to talk to her meaningfully about this until she goes complete NC for about two months. The clock starts over with ANY contact. If she sees him, or gets a text or an email or anything. ANYTHING. Since most people break NC this can take many months. But you have to be willing to verify the NC. If you are not capable of doing this to fight for your marriage you may need to just let her go. You decide. Your marriage is in your hands now. You have failed to act properly. You keep providing reasons not to act. Lose the fear. Fight for your marriage. OR move on. Nothing in between is going to help. It will only be pain.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what if she responds like that? It was done to manipulate you into backing down. Just shrug next time and say 'fine with me, anything's better than watching my wife throw herself at a 20 year old kid who doesn't want her.'


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> So what if she responds like that? It was done to manipulate you into backing down. Just shrug next time and say 'fine with me, anything's better than watching my wife throw herself at a 20 year old kid who doesn't want her.'


^^ This.

Except I would leave out the ' who doesn't want her' bit at the end. 

Coz he does want her. She is that fine piece of married strange he is working on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, hearing 'he doesn't want her' might be enough of an embarrassment to make her stop and think.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> IDK, hearing 'he doesn't want her' might be enough of an embarrassment to make her stop and think.


It might also lose impact if she subconsciously already knows he wants her. Or she might see it as a challenge .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Has there been anything to suggest the relationship is sexual or going that way?

I really wonder if this EA is rather one-sided.
My 3 sons are in the same age group as MR 20.

No offense to the OP but his wife is a size 20-22 dress and old enough to be the young guys mom. 
I suspect he may not have any sexual/relationship plans at all..... but rather likes this ready made family/tribe/group to hang out with. 
People with their own home that he can hang with, play games and drink with. 

I think the problem is that the wife has a crush on someone other than the OP and spends A LOT of time with her crush and that even if he and/or she have no plans to have an affair or run away together she could still fall *out of love* with the OP while she is getting needs met outside the marriage....

then the marriage is effed no matter who she works with and who she texts.


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## thegreatshow (Sep 16, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Has there been anything to suggest the relationship is sexual or going that way?
> 
> I really wonder if this EA is rather one-sided.
> My 3 sons are in the same age group as MR 20.
> ...



Actually that is an issue apparently the guy is very religious...does like Monday youth group. ..but just because your religious doesn't mean you cant think with your other brain. The wife is a great cook could be a chef if we could afford to send her to Culinary School and this guys mom doesn't cook many meals. To be honest I think your right in the fact that its more one sided. She keeps telling me that shes alaays had more guy friends than gfs. But somehow this just seems wrong and different. Like the fact that she tries comparing him to her gay friend that Im friends with. I worked with him as did she. If you have to compare a gay friend to a straight one their is a prob
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

thegreatshow said:


> Actually that is an issue apparently the guy is very religious...does like Monday youth group. ..but just because your religious doesn't mean you cant think with your other brain. The wife is a great cook could be a chef if we could afford to send her to Culinary School and this guys mom doesn't cook many meals. To be honest I think your right in the fact that its more one sided. She keeps telling me that shes alaays had more guy friends than gfs.* But somehow this just seems wrong and different.* Like the fact that she tries comparing him to her gay friend that Im friends with. I worked with him as did she. If you have to compare a gay friend to a straight one their is a prob
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO we should never ignore those gut feelings.

No matter what the situation _actually_ is...you're unhappy and you need to voice that to your wife.

In return she would (in a perfect world and marriage) do her bit to ease the unhappiness in her husband.

So...what's your plan? Talk to her? Ban their friendship? Run away from home?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Yeah. Simply put you have to break these two up.

Do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm a size 20 and never have problems getting attention from men, dating and finding a mate, or FWBs. I have never been with a man who is fat like me either. 
Something to think about. 

If she is jealous and unhappy with her weight, why not encourage her to start working out? Instead of trying to get validation from a younger man maybe she needs to get in shape? 

And also, how is your sex life?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also, younger men love me. Just be careful.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

BTW I'm getting weight loss surgery in the next month most likely. 
Does she have insurance? After you get her to stop pestering this kid, if she has a history of trying to lose and failing it might be worth looking into.


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## sodonewiththis (Sep 19, 2013)

The best advice I can give is that only 2 people know the whole story, you and the wife. Its really easy to get on here and say you should do this or that, and suggest there may or may not be something inappropriate taking place. What if all this worrying is over nothing? Is it worth potentially damaging the relationship further?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

^ First of all, you are completely illiterate. 

Second of all, we apply our knowledge to just the facts stated by the OP. We don't know any unknown facts that you are alleging. You base your answer off the facts given.

Third, if my wife was texting another man in our bed at night.. that is not happening. I don't care who he is. If your partner has a problem with that, as the SO, you should support his feelings instead of guilt tripping him into allowing it. No respect - which bring me to what you said,



> Its a marriage , a PARTNERSHIP , not a way to control the other person .


I wish you would tell your girlfriend this or rather reread it yourself. Her guilt tripping him into keeping this friend is the finest work of controlling the other person. In this situation, she gets her way because he backs down and allows it - which goes to show that she can have full control over him anytime she guilt trips him, which basically in your words means, yes, this isn't a marriage. 

Last, your opinion is completely biased. You obviously have no respect for this woman's husband. You think he is over reacting because a guy is in his house hanging out with his girl and texting her at night? Lol, I feel bad for this guy and the people that surround him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

thegreatshow said:


> The online incident is in the past...it was about 6 years ago. Hasn't happened since I apologized and took responsibility. I work on avg 30-34 hrs a week. Am currently looking for a new job that has better hours though.
> .


Cheating is always in the past for the cheater.

She will say the same to you.

Do you see the precident? You don't have the moral high ground.

Tell her "Yes, be an *sshole to him if that is the only way you can protect your marriage and honor your husband. But I'm not telling you to be one. You could just as easily tell him that you love your husband and won't do anything that jeapardizes your marriage. He might not like that, but if he is a decent person, he will respect it. So choosing to mistreated him would be your choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Splitscreen said:


> He is not her boss, first of all . Secondly , she was telling the truth about everything . Third she is not having an affair any which way . His phone is a piece of **** & you have to resend texts for them to go thru , hence multiple texts . & an associates degree ?! REALLY ? They are just friends and the husband is making a big deal out of nothing . Your advice is hilarious .
> 
> Blah, blah, blah !


So this is the wife he doesn't want to lose?

Why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Clearly the work husband relationship bugs the home husband.

Its something that needs to be resolved.

I would not at ALL enjoy or encourage my wife to become emotionally close to someone of the other sex.

Hell even online friendships that replace my emotional support as the husband freak me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Uh oh, looks like the op left his lap top open....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Splitscreen said:


> ...... ?! REALLY ? They are just friends and the husband is making a big deal out of nothing . Your advice is hilarious . He doesn't want a divorce & all your advice sounds like a 1-2 shot straight to divorce court . THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS . ........
> 
> They have a great marriage and DO spend time together !! & I swear if you hand me a pamphlet to read instead of TALKING about the issue , its going right in the trash . This is stupid advice !! They have survived fine for the last 7 years , he is just waaaay reaching and over reacting !
> 
> The gno ... ugh you all can go f yourself . He is creating these problems by imagining stuff & telling anyone and everyone . THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON . !


if there was nothing going on then dropping this "friend" because it bothered your husband would be no problem at all. But it IS a problem, because *SOMETHING IS *going on.

You need to read "not Just Friends" By Dr. Shirley Glass (one of the most respected works on the subject of infidelity). You won't like it because it will spell out the truth-- that this relationship is an emotional affair. 

And, just for the record, it is inappropriate to have an opposite sex "friend" over to your house without your husband in attendance or to invite him over during what should be family time......


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah. 

Good news is that looneytune spouses that show up, pretending to be third parties all the while throwing profanities around, insulting everyone hose their own case.

If they were in the right they would put things into perspective and try to understand why their spouse was upset. They would recognize the reason their spouse came here. They would see that their spouse reached out for help because they value their marriage.

I have given this guy a hard time about his previous cheating. But it doesn't mean that his wife gets a Get Out of Jail Free card
If the intensity of (defensiveness + offensiveness) is in any way proportional to the guilt they carry for either the wrong they have already done or the wrong they haven't yet done but desire to do, this fellow's radar is spot on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Splitscreen, you didn't do a very good job making your case. I think we all still side with your husband. Maybe you should take some time to step back and see what it feels like on HIS side. And I'll ask you this: If he started hanging out with a PYT from HIS work, inviting her home, would you be ok with that? If you say yes, then you're clearly in the midst of your EA.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Splitscreen said:


> He is not her boss, first of all . Secondly , she was telling the truth about everything . Third she is not having an affair any which way . His phone is a piece of **** & you have to resend texts for them to go thru , hence multiple texts . & an associates degree ?! REALLY ? They are just friends and the husband is making a big deal out of nothing . Your advice is hilarious . He doesn't want a divorce & all your advice sounds like a 1-2 shot straight to divorce court . THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS . Texting in bed ? I order pizza while im in bed , could I be sleeping with the delivery man ?!?! THE HORROR !!!!!! OMG !!!!!
> 
> They have a great marriage and DO spend time together !! & I swear if you hand me a pamphlet to read instead of TALKING about the issue , its going right in the trash . This is stupid advice !! They have survived fine for the last 7 years , he is just waaaay reaching and over reacting !
> 
> ...



This confirms exactly what the husband said when he posted.
Obviously, she doesn't care one bit about his feelings on this issue.
The irony.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If she wasn't drunk when she posted I feel sorry for the guy. Living with that kind of entitlement and anger can't be pleasant.

I will grant her a break though, because her life sounds like it hasn't offered many opportunities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Splitscreen, the point is, any choices you make once you are inside a marriage should be choices that BOTH of you are on board with; if one is not, the other should be negotiating a way to get what he/she wants that won't hurt their partner. You are clearly hurting your partner by doing this. There are myriad other ways to 'get out of the house' or have fun that don't include spending alone time with another male. Why not look into those?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Uh oh, looks like the op left his lap top open....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't you just hat when that happens.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Bro you have a problem. It seems that you are trying to communicate but getting no were. You said that you have time to surf the net when your alone so when she is around dump the laptop for awhile and see what happens from there.
I am self employed, I am a writer and work from home and as a result I do all the household thing as well. The negative side to working alone is that you don't have a lot of social contact so your "people base" is small. Further you develop a social handicap, because communication skills fall off quickly. I have been married for 34 yrs. and my wife is a professional. Now with the company she works for she is a supervisor and everyday she has to play an Alpha role even more so when she has to direct males. Furthermore she lives, eats and sleeps work. This is what your wife is doing, as I see it. Work is her center. You need to work it that you and her are the center. Instead of her going out with friends, when your off, it should be you and her going out. 
The fact is it is easy to fall into that mentality of work being everything and seeing co- workers as something a little more then just other people that you happen to work with. In addition, you must remember these are the people that she is seeing the majority of her day. 
I know the economy is awful presently but perhaps you need to consider finding new employment. Find yourself a new job that makes your hours more amiable to hers. A part of the problem is you to are apart more than together and it becomes very easy for mutual assumptions. This means on her part and on your part, whether between one another or other people. Finally, any assumption is deadly to any relationship and from what your wrote there is a lot of it going on between you and her both inside and outside the home.
However, she had no right to bring another male, especially a single male, into your home when your were at work and on this matter you definitely have a complete right to be angry. No married women should be putting herself in a compromising position as this whether innocent or not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Splitscreen said:


> He is not her boss, first of all . Secondly , she was telling the truth about everything . Third she is not having an affair any which way . His phone is a piece of **** & you have to resend texts for them to go thru , hence multiple texts . & an associates degree ?! REALLY ? They are just friends and the husband is making a big deal out of nothing . Your advice is hilarious . He doesn't want a divorce & all your advice sounds like a 1-2 shot straight to divorce court . THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS . Texting in bed ? I order pizza while im in bed , could I be sleeping with the delivery man ?!?! THE HORROR !!!!!! OMG !!!!!
> 
> They have a great marriage and DO spend time together !! & I swear if you hand me a pamphlet to read instead of TALKING about the issue , its going right in the trash . This is stupid advice !! They have survived fine for the last 7 years , he is just waaaay reaching and over reacting !
> 
> ...


Wow. So if you're his wife, and this is the way you assure him that you are loyal and committed, then yeah he's got a lot to be worried about.

No where was there anything good about the OP. nothing. Just attacks on him, and good things about the OM. Frankly, it sounds like a teenager defending the looser bf she's dating to her parents.

Not a wife valuing her marriage and making sure that above all other things, it's protected. Instead the post does nothing but protect the growing relationship with the OM, and threaten the OP if he doesn't shut up and like it.

I think you get the real meaning of the post if you read it and insert "my bf" every time the other guy is mentioned.

It isn't the job of or even appropriate for the wife her to be seeking to help the OM be seen by everyone as the great guy that he really is. He isn't a guy to take under her wing and craft him into something great. That's what gfs do with boyfriends. 

So already the relationship is way beyond appropriate as it wouid mean her time and passion is going into this other guy and NOT into her marriage.

So if this was the OPs wife, I'd like to ask - so how well does the other guy kiss? Because it sounds very much like its gone there already.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I'm confused. Why do you think Splitscreen is the wife?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *He is not her boss, first of all .* Secondly , she was telling the truth about everything . Third she is not having an affair any which way . *His phone is a piece of **** & you have to resend texts for them to go thru , hence multiple texts .*





> *This guy comes across as a jacka$$ until you get to know him , so ppl don't generally like him at first . & he IS a friend .*





> His wife is actually very beautiful just the way she is . & wow *I didn't know we had to check ages before we decided who to be friends with . Just as EVERYONE does , the closer you work with someone the more you know REGARDLESS of age . *





> Again , her husband is worrying over NOTHING and creating problems where there are none . *I think he's great .*





> *someone90 said:* I'm confused. Why do you think Splitscreen is the wife?


Someone90 what tipped me off is the bolded above. Sounds like Splitscreen knows the parties intimately.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because we've seen this many times before. The 'agrieved' spouse finds the thread, creates a fake login (note the low number of posts), and comes on and blasts the OP and takes the side of the cheating spouse. They THINK they are making a good case but we're so experienced at this that we can read between the lines. Go back and reread the post assuming it's her.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Splitscreen said:


> He is not her boss, first of all . Secondly , she was telling the truth about everything . Third she is not having an affair any which way . His phone is a piece of **** & you have to resend texts for them to go thru , hence multiple texts . & an associates degree ?! REALLY ? They are just friends and the husband is making a big deal out of nothing . Your advice is hilarious . He doesn't want a divorce & all your advice sounds like a 1-2 shot straight to divorce court . THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS . Texting in bed ? I order pizza while im in bed , could I be sleeping with the delivery man ?!?! THE HORROR !!!!!! OMG !!!!!
> 
> They have a great marriage and DO spend time together !! & I swear if you hand me a pamphlet to read instead of TALKING about the issue , its going right in the trash . This is stupid advice !! They have survived fine for the last 7 years , he is just waaaay reaching and over reacting !
> 
> ...


Your level of maturity is really low for your age. 

Have you heard the phrase "the lady doth protest too much"? Probably not. 
It means the more someone adamantly denies some thing and gets upset about it the more likely it is they are lying. 

I feel sorry for your husband. 

I'm really glad that you know you are beautiful. Now stop throwing the fat card back in your husband's face. 

You are following the cheater script to a T. "you are controlling me!" is the favorite line of would be cheaters. The fact that you tell people you are bored while you are with your husband and would rather talk to another man is a huge red flag.

I would suggest reading "not just friends" by Shirley Glass.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

turnera said:


> Because we've seen this many times before. The 'agrieved' spouse finds the thread, creates a fake login (note the low number of posts), and comes on and blasts the OP and takes the side of the cheating spouse. They THINK they are making a good case but we're so experienced at this that we can read between the lines. Go back and reread the post assuming it's her.


She claimed to be someone else and then talks about details only the wife would know. It didn't make much sense at all.

Anyway, if that really is the OP's wife then I would be less concerned about her faithfulness and more concerned about him being married to an idiot.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

someone90 said:


> I'm confused. Why do you think Splitscreen is the wife?


LOL. Really?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> LOL. Really?


:scratchhead::slap:


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I bet things are tense in their household at the moment 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

OP, I've read your thread painful as it is. WHile I really like Bandit.45 and agree with his thoughts on the WS being oblivious to the onset of an EA, I don't think it applies here.

Your wife is begging you to man up. She wants your attention, she wants you to help fix her boring life and she is falling in love with another man right in front of you.

Gawd that sux. My wife fell in love with another man right in front of me. (well got a really good dopamine induced high from him anyway).

It hurts to watch doesn't it? I, like you, was worried about making what seemed like unrealistic demands. But holy crap, she offered to let you see the texts where this guy is basically blowing her off and she is becoming needy and wanting for attention from him. Why the hell do you think she would do that?

I'm not going to just repeat what everyone else has said here, I will however, point back to Caribbean Man's post. It is spot on for your situation.

Don't do what I did, which is try to nice you wife out of her little fantasy world. She is letting go of you intentionally, right in front of your eyes, while you watch her go in slow motion not knowing what to do.

being nice and "respecting her need for a male friend" is _exactly the wrong thing for you to do_.

Come on man, she is begging you to fix stuff, and if you don't get on it very quickly she is going to sleep with this guy.

His Needs/Her Needs, Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus

If I could only give you one piece of advice at this point, it would be this.

Start listening to your wife. Really listening.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

thegreatshow said:


> Actually that is an issue apparently the guy is very religious...does like Monday youth group. ..but just because your religious doesn't mean you cant think with your other brain. The wife is a great cook could be a chef if we could afford to send her to Culinary School and this guys mom doesn't cook many meals. To be honest I think your right in the fact that its more one sided. She keeps telling me that shes alaays had more guy friends than gfs. But somehow this just seems wrong and different. *Like the fact that she tries comparing him to her gay friend* that Im friends with. I worked with him as did she. If you have to compare a gay friend to a straight one their is a prob
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Okay, you have trouble.

I've NEVER heard that line "He's just like a gay friend" when a woman is talking about a straight man who she wasn't either banging or looking to bang.

Sorry man but that line is one of the BIGGEST red flags there is.

She KNOWS he's a threat to you so she uses the "gay friend" disclaimer to try and remove you feeling threatened.

And EDIT: Just saw the wife's post. OMG. Really. I didn't even have to read it. Just to see a 35 year old woman end an argument with BEEECCCHHEESSS!! If my wife or any woman I knew do that, I buckle over laughing at them. WOW!!

And her response is priceless. There's ZERO self-monitoring going on AT ALL. There's not ONE OUNCE of self-reflection to see if her husband MIGHT has a reason to feel disconnected. He's saying he doesn't feel secure in this marriage and that he feels disconnected from her and her response is "Psssh Dude...you're so wrong, get over it". I can just see a finger snap and head bob with it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PS the OP is gone because the wife is berating him at the moment and he's going to be too scared to come back.

Which would be an egregious mistake.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Dis did you see the post from his wife?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Dis did you see the post from his wife?


Yup, priceless.

What can be said, this guy's nuts are locked up.

His wife isn't even aware of her own actions and the motivations behind them.

"He's just a friend".

It's amazing to me how cheaters will rationalize themselves right into the sack with this thinking.

Dopamine junkie is probably the correct term.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Omg you are like so mean not letting me go out with my boyfriend!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

This thread is depressing. Really wants to make me start yet another one of those what has happened to men threads. I hope things work out for him but it doesn't seem likely. If Splitscreen was his wife even if she isn't having an affair its fairly obvious that she doesn't care about him anyway.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

lol


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

wtf ?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Splitscreen said:


> Im not the wife . Thanks for playing though . & I agree , my maturity level is very low .  & by "he's a great guy." I meant the husband . Thegreatshow IS a great guy . The other guy is a douche canoe . Are we all clear here ?


So you know them?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

it's the 20 y o boytoy isn't he
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm guessing it's toxic friend, who WW went crying to over how mean we all were.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Douche canoe, that's a new one on me. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I've heard it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

View attachment 8818


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Splitscreen said:


> Im not the wife . Thanks for playing though . & I agree , my maturity level is very low .  & by "he's a great guy." I meant the husband . Thegreatshow IS a great guy . The other guy is a douche canoe . Are we all clear here ?


Yeah, sure. 

Still didn't help your case.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Was splitscreen's post deleted?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

another thing that spouses who are outed do is delete their posts . 

but it's too darn late when someone is quoted the entire thing 

I wonder if poor OP was told that he is never to post on this site again . if that's what she did I hope he tells her to F off like t she told us to .

on the other hand if she's brave enough to come back and discuss the situation like an adult maybe we can help their marriage . but if she's not willing to do that better husband has every right to seek advice and support from us .

then again maybe he can find some 20 year old girl who could be just like a gay friend to him . I'm sure it wouldn't bother his wife .
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Omg you are like so mean not letting me go out with my boyfriend!


Haha that got a real life laugh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

ESPN has a segment on Monday Night Football they call "C'mon Man!"
It's comprised of bonehead plays and stupid decisions. Every once in a while I come across a thread I call a "C'mon man thread". This is one of them. 

This situation is ridiculous. I don't have a problem with my wife wanting to spend time and do activities with another man, I'll just divorce her and find someone who values me and enjoys being with me. No anger, no spitefulness and no arguments. If that's what she wanted then we obviously don't have a marriage that I'm interested in maintaining. Marriage isn't 50/50, its 100/100. 

The OP already knows this is inappropriate but doesn't want to face the consequences of putting his foot down. If this is truly an issue, this couple needs to discuss their future together. If they are going to continue, they need to be on the same work schedules. This part where he goes to work when she gets home is BS. I would do what I had to do to make sure we have time together. Money comes and goes but time you can't get back. I also understand that some couples have no choice but to be apart but this is not the case here. He should be looking for work during the day. 

Just a friend????...LOL...Next thing you know, they'll be asking you to hold the camera. If I came home and found a 20 yr old playing UNO with my wife he would be muerto for having the balls to be in my house when I'm not there. She would be packed and he would be deader than a shrunken head at a hackey sack festival. 

There are many many many good women out there who look to preserve and nurture their relationships. C'mon man, you know what needs to change.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank you ma'am may I have another?

Op is totally PWed! 

Soon to be cuckold!


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Splitscreen said:


> Im not the wife . Thanks for playing though . & I agree , my maturity level is very low . & by "he's a great guy." I meant the husband . Thegreatshow IS a great guy . The other guy is a douche canoe . Are we all clear here ?.


HA HA HA HA A Douche canoe :rofl:

Well, when you throw your bait in the water you have to take what bites!

Op's wife is in a lazy MLC, if she would lose some weight and get a boob job she would be banging everything that buttons to the right. MMW


ETA: Oh and OP if this guy is very religious, then find out where his church is, you can out him to his uber religious friends if necessary, it a bargaining chip, with him and her, and an exposure path if necessary!

But you may find that all of his religious friends are in the same boat or canoe, or whatever! :rofl:


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Honestly, I don't know if this is physical or not. The kid seems uninterested. I can say that I have seen women end their marriages over one way EAs. They start comparing their husbands to the object of their affection over time the love/respect for their spouse dissipates.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Op hasn't been here since his wife or his wife's boy friend showed up has he ?

I bet he's in trouble for trying to stop them from being " friends " 
What would piss me off is the fact that she thinks her husband should be friends with the guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

movin on said:


> What would piss me off is the fact that she thinks her husband should be friends with the guy.


Without a doubt. When a spouse says "you would like so-n-so" that translates to "I wanna bang so-n-so"


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Another clueless male bites the dust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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