# Should woman ever pursue a man?



## southbound

I've read here before that women believe they should never pursue a man. There was a recent thread where a woman actually made a first move, but said after that it was up to the guy. 

Let me give example situations. I'm not necessarily talking about meeting someone in a bar for the first time and making the first move, but suppose you are single and there is a single guy at your work that interest you. Would you make the first move? 

Supppse you are single, and a man you have known a long time becomes single, and you are interested. Maybe you aren't around each other a lot, perhaps you went to high school and just know he is now single and close by. 

Would you try to show you are interested and perhaps make the first move, or is it the man's place to pursue the woman?


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## Diana7

I met my husband on line and I messaged him first. Why not? if I hadn't I wouldn't have been in a happy marriage now. 
Some men are pretty shy and they can only say no.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I've made first moves and have had them make first moves. Never seems to matter much in the long run either way. 
If I see something I like I will go for it. What's the worst that can happen?


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## *Deidre*

My husband and I started out as friends a few years ago, always had chemistry, never acted on it. He initiated the conversation asking if we could take things to another place. I've never pursued a guy, and just feel that guys should do the pursuing. I've seen friends of mine pursue men, and the guys were terrible decision makers, and left everything up to my friends. It never worked out for them. I'm sure it works out for some, but I think guys like pursuing. I just personally find it sexier when a guy takes initiative, and it's very masculine to me.


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## Livvie

I'm in my late 40s. Three different times I have made the first move/pursued. And after the first move, kind of initiated further moves. One resulted in a long term relationship---with a man who ended up having difficulty moving forward in a relationship, connecting, partnering (along with being abusive- I terminated relationship). The other two were most definitely interested in me, but ultimately "unavailable" in different ways.

Three times and I'm out. These men were non initiators, non pursuers for a reason. Lesson learned: I will definitely let a man know I am interested, but as far as initiating and pursuing? From now on I'll hold out for a man who is interested enough and is also able and willing to take initiative, because perhaps these traits bode well and also indicate a man who will ultimately be actually able to partner.


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## xMadame

I will ho after someone I like. If they are not on the same page I just walk away and that is fine. As far as I am concerned, my perfect partner could be out there but too shy to make the first move. Confidence is a very attractive quality, 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MrsHolland

There is no rule on whether they should or shouldn't.

Personally I never have and never would.


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## samyeagar

MrsHolland said:


> There is no rule on whether they should or shouldn't.
> 
> Personally I never have and never would.


Funny thing is I have never had to pursue, and have never been without women being obviously available. Hell, even my wife, she initiated first for the first time in her life.


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## Andy1001

xMadame said:


> I will ho after someone I like. If they are not on the same page I just walk away and that is fine. As far as I am concerned, my perfect partner could be out there but too shy to make the first move. Confidence is a very attractive quality,
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Is this a Freudian slip.I will" HO"


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## SunCMars

*Deidre* said:


> My husband and I started out as friends a few years ago, always had chemistry, never acted on it. He initiated the conversation asking if we could take things to another place. I've never pursued a guy, and just feel that guys should do the pursuing. I've seen friends of mine pursue men, and the guys were terrible decision makers, and left everything up to my friends. It never worked out for them. I'm sure it works out for some, but *I think guys like pursuing.* I just personally find it sexier when a guy takes initiative, and it's very masculine to me.


With a women I desire, I have always been like a bee after honey. Let no living thing get in my way. 

Uh, no dead thing either. Yikes!

One track mind...no reverse gear.


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## lifeistooshort

I personally have never pursued a man and would not..... and I've never had a shortage of interested men. 

IME, and of course I speak only for myself, men can be a little lazy in this regard. If a woman pursues they will often go along with it even if they're not terribly excited about it. 

When a man is interested he will pursue, provided he gets some hint that she's interested of course. 

My hb pursued me and I think he likes it. We've been together 12 years and he still does it. 

But his daughter pursued her hb, and they seem happy. I do wonder though if he would've pursued her.....but I'm glad they're happy.


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## lifeistooshort

SunCMars said:


> With a women I desire, I have always been like a bee after honey. Let no living thing get in my way.
> 
> Uh, no dead thing either. Yikes!
> 
> One track mind...no reverse gear.


Yep, I agree.

A man interested enough to pursue me is likely going to be willing to do a lot for me. Not that a guy whose woman pursued him wouldn't, it's just a good sign.


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## Married but Happy

9 out of 10 women I dated messaged me first. Half of those asked me out first. IMO, if a woman is attracted to a man, she should make it known. If he's interested, he'll follow up on it. If she does not make her interest known, she may lose out, because not all men will notice all suitable matches. My wife messaged me first, and asked me to meet. I admire women who know what they want and have the confidence to act on their interest. Most of the great women I dated were farther away than I would have looked - but ALL of those were among the best women I dated. Had they not made the first move, we'd have both missed some great opportunities and relationships.


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## Personal

southbound said:


> I've read here before that women believe they should never pursue a man. There was a recent thread where a woman actually made a first move, but said after that it was up to the guy.


Some women may feel that way, yet such things certainly aren't an all women thing.

The majority of the women I have been with asked me out in the first instance and or made the first move, asked me to have sex with them etc.

I don't think it's that uncommon for women to ask men out.



southbound said:


> Let me give example situations. I'm not necessarily talking about meeting someone in a bar for the first time and making the first move, but suppose you are single and there is a single guy at your work that interest you. Would you make the first move?


Shortly after my wife started working in the same editorial department as I, she asked me to get lunch with her a few times. Which then led her to asking me out on a lunchtime date as a romantic thing without ambiguity.

At the time I was dating different women, while my wife was early (a few weeks) into a sexual relationship with a guy who was disappointing. I was the first guy she'd asked out on a date and she only asked me because she thought I wasn't going to ask, plus there was another woman at work who was keen on me who had just asked if I was available.


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## *Deidre*

Livvie said:


> I'm in my late 40s. Three different times I have made the first move/pursued. And after the first move, kind of initiated further moves. One resulted in a long term relationship---with a man who ended up having difficulty moving forward in a relationship, connecting, partnering (along with being abusive- I terminated relationship). The other two were most definitely interested in me, but ultimately "unavailable" in different ways.
> 
> Three times and I'm out. These men were non initiators, non pursuers for a reason. Lesson learned: I will definitely let a man know I am interested, but as far as initiating and pursuing? From now on I'll hold out for a man who is interested enough and is also able and willing to take initiative, because perhaps these traits bode well and also indicate a man who will ultimately be actually able to partner.


That's a good idea. A guy who can't take the initative to even ask a woman out, just seems like he would not be able to take the initiative in other areas of life. I'm sure there are exceptions like with everything.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

When I made a first move they would match my enthusiasm. If they didn't I wouldn't be interested anymore. 

Sometimes I don't stand out or get noticed (or one said he thought I was too attractive to pursue. Which was sweet but BS) 

I'm quiet and shy and not super easy to approach as I'm not really open and friendly to strangers so a smile and a hello first went a long way.


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## Handy

This subject is not a yes-no situation. I like: * I will definitely let a man know I am interested, but as far as initiating and pursuing?*


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## aine

Maybe I am old fashioned but I have never pursued a man but reciprocated if I was attracted to him. At my current age if I had to go back into the dating world, I doubt I would pursue a man now either. Sounds like far too much effort tbh. To me a man should know what he wants and go after it (within reason).


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## Diana7

Such a large percentage of relationships start on line now(I believe its about 30-40%) and in my case and in the case of other women I know, we all messaged our husband's first. Several I know now in good happy marriages with lovely husbands(who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions BTW). I am all for being proactive, it worked for me and for many other couples I know. I don't understand this attitude of never making the first move.


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## katiecrna

I pursued my stbxh and I'll never pursue again.


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## knobcreek

I don't see why not, the world has changed so much and everyone's expectations along with it. I was shy growing up, who knows how many girls I've missed out on because they liked me and I was too stupid to pick up on their flirting. I was really completely clueless and figured they just wanted my weed or thought I was funny. I've had women Facebook me many years later and tell me they had a crush on me in H.S. and flirted with me all the time, I literally had no clue at all, completely tone deaf to it I guess.

Plus in today's brutal dating market, rejection is high for both sides so a lot of men may just back off pursuing women due to a lot of women's unrealistic standards (a survey of 4000 women on Match.com found that women rated over 80% of the men on the site as unattractive and un-dateable for instance). May find a diamond in the rough.


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## Handy

* Knobcreek
(a survey of 4000 women on Match.com found that women rated over 80% of the men on the site as unattractive and un-dateable. *

I read a dating thread on another forum. I can say most women claim they went out with up to 30 different guys before they found the one, and for some, even then it took a while before the "Chemistry" to kick in.

These women were mostly left behind wives so they have trust issues and go slow.


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## bkyln309

No, I have no interest in men either too lazy to pursue or not strong enough in character to know what they want and to go after it. Its very masculine and appealing for a man to pursue what he wants.


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## NextTimeAround

knobcreek said:


> *I don't see why not, the world has changed so much *and everyone's expectations along with it. I was shy growing up, who knows how many girls I've missed out on because they liked me and I was too stupid to pick up on their flirting. I was really completely clueless and figured they just wanted my weed or thought I was funny. I've had women Facebook me many years later and tell me they had a crush on me in H.S. and flirted with me all the time, I literally had no clue at all, completely tone deaf to it I guess.
> 
> Plus in today's brutal dating market, rejection is high for both sides so a lot of men may just back off pursuing women due to a lot of women's unrealistic standards (a survey of 4000 women on Match.com found that women rated over 80% of the men on the site as unattractive and un-dateable for instance). May find a diamond in the rough.


Men have not changed. They want to pursue. And I have noticed that one way to insult a woman is to talk about she was on the make when they first met. 

If men like being approached first, why turn that into an insult?


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## Married but Happy

I can't pursue a woman if I don't even know she exists. I used OLD almost exclusively - there were too few other ways for me to meet compatible women. Often, women have to make the first move to be noticed, especially if their profiles aren't informative, or they're outside my usual search radius. If I know a woman is interested, and I'm also interested in her, I'll do whatever is needed to build a relationship - but, she needs to reciprocate and be proactive enough to gain my respect.

Besides, if you can't make some effort to get what you want (or don't know what you want), then I feel that you won't put effort into building a relationship, either. This may not be true, of course, but I've found it to be a good screening criterion for woman who are most compatible with me.


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## arbitrator

*Hell yes, the female should pursue her male interest! 

Why not?*


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## Diana7

Handy said:


> * Knobcreek
> (a survey of 4000 women on Match.com found that women rated over 80% of the men on the site as unattractive and un-dateable. *
> 
> I read a dating thread on another forum. I can say most women claim they went out with up to 30 different guys before they found the one, and for some, even then it took a while before the "Chemistry" to kick in.
> 
> These women were mostly left behind wives so they have trust issues and go slow.


Wow, when I was single again I married the guy I saw 4th. The first three(one date only) were nice enough but there was no real attraction.


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## Satya

southbound said:


> I've read here before that women believe they should never pursue a man.


Well personally, I don't follow that.

I do expect a man to be a grown up and lead when needed, without prompting.

But there were plenty of times where I initiated pursuit and I don't regret it.

This is not directed at anyone specifically, but if you like a man, what are you waiting for? Him to come flying through your window like Superman to come sweep away your shrinking violet arse? Some men don't want to be pursued and you can't know that unless you try. Some men love it. Life is inherently risky but you'll miss the boat if you don't try. (And if course I'm talking about SINGLE men). 

If you don't scoop him up, very likely some other woman who is unafraid will.

And of course, he's perfectly free to reject your advances, but at least you tried.


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## Andy1001

If I seen a woman I found attractive I would try to get talking to her immediately.If I didn't see her but she seen me I don't see why she shouldn't make the first move.As far as pursuing a women the only one I ever asked out again after being turned down the first time is my current girlfriend.
Taking this thread a bit further, did any women on tam actually propose to their husband.


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## Satya

Andy1001 said:


> If I seen a woman I found attractive I would try to get talking to her immediately.If I didn't see her but she seen me I don't see why she shouldn't make the first move.As far as pursuing a women the only one I ever asked out again after being turned down the first time is my current girlfriend.
> Taking this thread a bit further, did any women on tam actually propose to their husband.


Odo and I mutually proposed, but it was my plan to propose to him on the night it happened. He just made his affirmative response conditional on whether I'd marry him back! Could not have predicted that. 

I was also going to propose to a man I'd been dating after my divorce and knew for years, but I learned he really didn't feel the same way about me and wasn't eager or ready for a future together, so I never went through with it and eventually he admitted that despite his words to the contrary, he did not love me as much as I loved him. Best lesson I have learned to this day.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

My bf has talked to me about the worry that a man will come off looking like a creep if they approach a woman. We get hit with so many creeps it's hard to let anyone make an impression because we often shut them down before they can. 

He approached me once and I ignored him. Kind of rudely apparently (I was seeing someone then) and then he tried again a couple months later. He just really wanted to go for it but there was a worry I would think he was a creep. 

Luckily he did it anyway but I wouldn't have minded if I had. 

I do feel bad for men out there, trying. They have to stand out and separate themselves from the creep messages we get all day.


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## Diana7

Satya said:


> Well personally, I don't follow that.
> 
> I do expect a man to be a grown up and lead when needed, without prompting.
> 
> But there were plenty of times where I initiated pursuit and I don't regret it.
> 
> This is not directed at anyone specifically, but if you like a man, what are you waiting for? Him to come flying through your window like Superman to come sweep away your shrinking violet arse? Some men don't want to be pursued and you can't know that unless you try. Some men love it. Life is inherently risky but you'll miss the boat if you don't try. (And if course I'm talking about SINGLE men).
> 
> If you don't scoop him up, very likely some other woman who is unafraid will.
> 
> And of course, he's perfectly free to reject your advances, but at least you tried.


LOVE it. :laugh::laugh:
I always tell people, your future spouse isnt going to come knocking on your door.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> LOVE it. :laugh::laugh:
> I always tell people, your future spouse isnt going to come knocking on your door.


Unless you marry a postman.😀


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Andy1001 said:


> Unless you marry a postman.😀


... or a Jehovah's Witness


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## MrsHolland

Satya said:


> Well personally, I don't follow that.
> 
> I do expect a man to be a grown up and lead when needed, without prompting.
> 
> But there were plenty of times where I initiated pursuit and I don't regret it.
> 
> This is not directed at anyone specifically, but if you like a man, what are you waiting for? Him to come flying through your window like Superman to come sweep away your shrinking violet arse? Some men don't want to be pursued and you can't know that unless you try. Some men love it. Life is inherently risky but you'll miss the boat if you don't try. (And if course I'm talking about SINGLE men).
> 
> If you don't scoop him up, very likely some other woman who is unafraid will.
> 
> And of course, he's perfectly free to reject your advances, but at least you tried.


Not sure why some find this topic so controversial. I have never had to pursue a man it has zip to do with waiting for Superman to sweep me away, ironically he did though but we met online. 

The only time I have ever pursued a man is when we are already in a serious relationship.


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## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> Not sure why some find this topic so controversial. I have never had to pursue a man it has zip to do with waiting for Superman to sweep me away, ironically he did though but we met online.
> 
> The only time I have ever pursued a man is when we are already in a serious relationship.


Its not a question of if we NEED to pursue a man, the question is whether we think it's ok for women to do it. 
I can see no issues with it myself.


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## MrsHolland

Diana7 said:


> Its not a question of if we NEED to pursue a man, the question is whether we think it's ok for women to do it.
> I can see no issues with it myself.


I don't care what other people do but I personally would not pursue a man it would not feel right to me. Seems some of you find that mindset confronting, like it is OK for the way you think but not for the way other people do.


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## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> I don't care what other people do but I personally would not pursue a man it would not feel right to me. Seems some of you find that mindset confronting, like it is OK for the way you think but not for the way other people do.


I wouldn't be married to such an amazing guy now if I hadn't contacted him first on the dating site we were both on, so I would completely recommend being proactive whether you are male or female.


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## MrsHolland

Diana7 said:


> I wouldn't be married to such an amazing guy now if I hadn't contacted him first on the dating site we were both on, so I would completely recommend being proactive whether you are male or female.


And that is great. Some of us however have zero desire to pursue a man, for me it would feel weak, for others it may be empowering.


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## Married but Happy

Some men feel they must initiate and pursue, and are put out if a woman approaches them, while others are open to pursuing _and _being approached. Some women will initiate, and some won't. It's really what works and constitutes matching attitudes for the two people when they first communicate. Personally, if a woman isn't able to initiate - or proactively follow up on contact in the beginning - and _especially _if she won't once we've started dating, it may indicate that she has responsive desire (RD) or low desire (LD), and that simply doesn't work for me. I want an equal partner who is into me as much as I'm into her, so women who are passive raise a red flag - for me. That's okay, as I'm probably not what they want, either.


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## Satya

MrsHolland said:


> I don't care what other people do but I personally would not pursue a man it would not feel right to me. Seems some of you find that mindset confronting, like it is OK for the way you think but not for the way other people do.


I really only speak for myself, @MrsHolland, and that's why I noted that my comment wasn't directed at anyone in particular. I've known many women who have a "wait and hope" approach. That clearly isn't you just because you choose not to do the pursuing. You know what works best for you and I respect that. 

I do think that a lot of women avoid trying to initiate, though, for whatever reason. I've always been of a mind that if you want something (or someone) or even if you just want to know your chances, the best way is to dive in and take a risk. The worst that can happen is they tell you to go away. I've seen a lot of disappointment because some women have this notion that they shouldn't be aggressive or it'll hurt their chances or image. I suppose I kind of say phooey to that notion... If that's who you are, that's who you are.

But of course, some women feel that if the man initiates, that shows he really wants her and maybe that's necessary for some women. I would certainly not want to be with a man who truly didn't want to be with me. That's why I ended up not proposing to a man I loved deeply but knew it wasn't reciprocated.


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## Personal

Andy1001 said:


> Taking this thread a bit further, did any women on tam actually propose to their husband.


I've had two women propose marriage to me, I turned one of them down and am still married to the other one.


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## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> And that is great. Some of us however have zero desire to pursue a man, for me it would feel weak, for others it may be empowering.


Well if sending one short message is pursuing? However I don't see it as 'empowering'(boy I so hate that word) or 'weak', but being proactive and using some common sense. I am forever thankful 12 years later that I made that decision.
Its sad that today so many women still cant seem to realise that they are equal.


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## MrsHolland

Diana7 said:


> Well if sending one short message is pursuing? However I don't see it as 'empowering'(boy I so hate that word) or 'weak', but being proactive and using some common sense. I am forever thankful 12 years later that I made that decision.
> *Its sad that today so many women still cant seem to realise that they are equal*.


:scratchhead: what does it have to do with equality? It is my choice to not pursue men so therefore I have choices and plenty of equality.
Your comment is quite bizarre.


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## musiclover

I've initiated not that it worked but I tried. Was talking to a random guy went back and gave him my phone number. Was hoping he called but he didn't. I don't see a problem with it. If I meet someone one that I connect with I'm gonna give it a shot. Why not


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## GusPolinski

MrsHolland said:


> Personally I never have and never would.





lifeistooshort said:


> I personally have never pursued a man and would not..... and I've never had a shortage of interested men.


:lol: :rofl:



> Lois: Meg, are you asking... whether it's appropriate for a girl to ask a boy out on a date? Of course it's appropriate! It's also sad and desperate and I would never do it, but you're not me, are you, Sweetie?


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## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> :scratchhead: what does it have to do with equality? It is my choice to not pursue men so therefore I have choices and plenty of equality.
> Your comment is quite bizarre.


Thst some women think they cant actually make the first move.


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## MrsHolland

Diana7 said:


> Thst some women think they cant actually make the first move.


It is still irrelevant to my comments so not sure why you would have quoted me. I *choose* to not pursue men which is vastly different to "thinking I can't". If I had of ever wanted to I would have, I'm free to do as I choose.
Can't say it simpler than that.


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## Faithful Wife

I read in a great dating book that if a man doesn't do the majority of the pursuing, he will quickly lose interest.

I've also had 2 men (both who pursued me heavily) tell me that in their experience, if a woman pursued them more than they pursued her, that they lost interest quickly. They both said that it wasn't because she pursued him that they lost interest. It was simply that if there wasn't enough interest on their part for them to pursue the woman first and more heavily, it was because there was a basic lack of attraction and interest. This would inevitably bear itself out, and both of these men said they learned to trust their instincts on who they felt naturally compelled to pursue and follow that inner guidance.

Once in a relationship, I will pursue with almost equal effort. At least 80% of what my partner does. I've found that if I do more than that, my partner will begin getting lazy in his pursuit and not as much fun. So even when i would love to pursue them more, I make sure not to go above the 80% line for the best results.


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## DustyDog

southbound said:


> I've read here before that women believe they should never pursue a man. There was a recent thread where a woman actually made a first move, but said after that it was up to the guy.
> 
> Let me give example situations. I'm not necessarily talking about meeting someone in a bar for the first time and making the first move, but suppose you are single and there is a single guy at your work that interest you. Would you make the first move?
> 
> Supppse you are single, and a man you have known a long time becomes single, and you are interested. Maybe you aren't around each other a lot, perhaps you went to high school and just know he is now single and close by.
> 
> Would you try to show you are interested and perhaps make the first move, or is it the man's place to pursue the woman?


To believe that a woman should not pursue a man as aggressively as men pursue women would be to set feminism back 50 years.

When I was in college in the 1970s, women just as eagerly asked men for a first date, told them it was time for the relationship to become sexual, etc.

For this to no longer be true means that feminism has failed.


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## DustyDog

Faithful Wife said:


> I read in a great dating book that if a man doesn't do the majority of the pursuing, he will quickly lose interest.


It was not a "great" dating book, it was a bad dating book.



Faithful Wife said:


> I've also had 2 men (both who pursued me heavily) tell me that in their experience, if a woman pursued them more than they pursued her, that they lost interest quickly. They both said that it wasn't because she pursued him that they lost interest. It was simply that if there wasn't enough interest on their part for them to pursue the woman first and more heavily, it was because there was a basic lack of attraction and interest. This would inevitably bear itself out, and both of these men said they learned to trust their instincts on who they felt naturally compelled to pursue and follow that inner guidance.


Those were aggressive men, who would, in time anyway, need to "own" the woman. Egalitarian relationships are not possible with them. There are many of us men who prefer the egalitarian ideal promised by feminism, who don't care who does the pursuing. Your 2 men were aggressive owner types.



Faithful Wife said:


> Once in a relationship, I will pursue with almost equal effort. At least 80% of what my partner does. I've found that if I do more than that, my partner will begin getting lazy in his pursuit and not as much fun. So even when i would love to pursue them more, I make sure not to go above the 80% line for the best results.


What the hell are you talking about? "Once in a relationship" is when the pursuit is OVER. If the pursuit is still on, the relationship has not been solidified.

As long as you're in a state where you're comparing who pursues who, you're competitors. Worst basis for a good relationship.


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## Andy1001

The only woman I ever pursued is my long term girlfriend who I almost married last year but I will marry her eventually.We met very early one morning,she thought I was someone else.It was love at first sight for me.She bought me a coffee from an all night place and we started talking and I asked her out, she refused to go to dinner with me but agreed to meet for a lunchtime sandwich that day.I joined her gym purely for the chance of seeing her and after a few lunch dates she eventually agreed to go to dinner with me and after about three months of once a week dinner dates she agreed to be my exclusive girlfriend.

She told me a few years later that the minute she seen me she knew we would end up together but wanted to be sure I was serious about her and not just after another notch on my bedpost.In her words she wanted to be courted.I had never had a ltr in my life at that stage and certainly had never been in love but somehow I knew she was the one.
It certainly helped that she was and still is stunningly beautiful.


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## MrsHolland

DustyDog said:


> It was not a "great" dating book, it was a bad dating book.
> 
> 
> Those were aggressive men, who would, in time anyway, need to "own" the woman. Egalitarian relationships are not possible with them. There are many of us men who prefer the egalitarian ideal promised by feminism, who don't care who does the pursuing. Your 2 men were aggressive owner types.
> 
> 
> 
> *What the hell are you talking about? "Once in a relationship" is when the pursuit is OVER. If the pursuit is still on, the relationship has not been solidified.
> 
> As long as you're in a state where you're comparing who pursues who, you're competitors. Worst basis for a good relationship*.


:scratchhead: what are you talking about? I have 2 marriages to my name and by far the better one is the one that still has pursuit as part of the fun. No wonder marriages die if people think once in a LTR then there is no need to pursue your spouse.

Maybe it is more a feature of highly sexual relationships, just a thought.


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## EllisRedding

Interesting how some people try to use the whole "pursuing" thing as a sign that a guy may not have any initiative in life or is lazy, pretty silly generalization lol.

Also, what exactly is pursuing? Just asking out on a date? Starting off a conversation / message? 

You could argue this guy below is pursuing ...


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## Andy1001

EllisRedding said:


> Interesting how some people try to use the whole "pursuing" thing as a sign that a guy may not have any initiative in life or is lazy, pretty silly generalization lol.
> 
> Also, what exactly is pursuing? Just asking out on a date? Starting off a conversation / message?
> 
> I guess there is a fine line between pursuing and stalking. In my case she opened her gym at five am and I finished work at the same time so one or the other of us would get coffee and we would talk. This developed into us having lunch together every day either in a restaurant or in my apartment which was right beside her gym. The funniest thing I remember about back then was when I finally met her family it turned out her father was working for me without me ever knowing he was her dad.


----------



## AVR1962

What I have found is that of the men I have pursued they either run or quickly lose interest so I feel it is best for me to wait and let the man pursue.


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## john117

bkyln309 said:


> No, I have no interest in men either too lazy to pursue or not strong enough in character to know what they want and to go after it. Its very masculine and appealing for a man to pursue what he wants.


I already have a full time career. If the pursuing gets to be another job I might as well stay in the lab and write patent applications.

There's a reason some people are hard to get, and it ain't always desirability.

People have finite resources... Emotional as well as physical.


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## uhtred

I see no problem with pursuing or not as a woman chooses. I do think though that by pursuing a woman my be gain access to relationships with men who are shy around women but are otherwise good men.


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## Buddy400

EllisRedding said:


> Interesting how some people try to use the whole "pursuing" thing as a sign that a guy may not have any initiative in life or is lazy, pretty silly generalization lol.
> 
> Also, what exactly is pursuing? Just asking out on a date? Starting off a conversation / message?
> 
> You could argue this guy below is pursuing ...


The difference between pursuing and stalking depends on whether or not the object being pursued / stalked welcomes the attention.

You'll know that you've "pursued" a woman if you get a date.

Otherwise, you're a creeper.


----------



## Buddy400

uhtred said:


> I see no problem with pursuing or not as a woman chooses. I do think though that by pursuing a woman my be gain access to relationships with men who are shy around women but are otherwise good men.


What women are interested in "good men" who lack the confidence to approach women?


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## Wolf1974

I will never again go out of my way to pursue but will show interest and see if it's returned. I have no issue with a woman pursuing. Had more than one relationship that way


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## EllisRedding

Buddy400 said:


> What women are interested in "good men" who lack the confidence to approach women?


The problem is those women who complain about how they can never find a "good man", yet may be passing quite a few by b/c obviously if he doesn't pursue he must be lazy and lack any sort of initiative lol. This may go along the lines of @Wolf1974 above. You have pursuing vs showing interest, what is the difference (may depend on each person)


----------



## Andy1001

Buddy400 said:


> What women are interested in "good men" who lack the confidence to approach women?


Some people are shy.Does that mean they are not entitled to find happiness in life like everyone else?


----------



## bkyln309

Sorry but men who use the "shy" excuse are just being lazy. Shy men for hundreds of years have been pursuing women. This generation of men just want everything handed to them. Show me your interest and I will return the favor.


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## EllisRedding

bkyln309 said:


> Sorry but men who use the "shy" excuse are just being lazy. Shy men for hundreds of years have been pursuing women. This generation of men just want everything handed to them. Show me your interest and I will return the favor.


This goes back to my previous post though. You at first mention pursuing, but then you mention showing interest. So is showing interest / pursuing the same thing? I could see where these could be two different things.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

bkyln309 said:


> S Show me your interest and I will return the favor.


Or you'll reject the favor--but either way, dude'll know where he stands, which beats the heck out of sitting around waiting for some female initiated pursuit that may never come and then whining about it.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Andy1001 said:


> Some people are shy.Does that mean they are not entitled to find happiness in life like everyone else?


I just find that even the shyest / nerdiest guy will value the relationship if he approaches first.

In fact, even in my current relationship. By the 5th date, I know now that my (future) husband was back in touch with his special friend. In fact, on the day that we went to a picnic, he was texting her and out of nowhere, IMO, h reminds me of how "I was really coming on to him; he couldn't get rid of me."

The truth of the matter is that we were introduced; he offered to buy me a drink; he gave me his business card so that I could e-mail him my details; We were watching a World Cup game at the pub. When it was over my (female) friend wanted to get something to eat so i asked him if he wanted to join us.
So his memory of how we met was just plain offensive. And I think he created that memory in order to rationalize his reconnection with this so called friend of his. So imagine how much more emboldened a guy would feel if it in fact were true.

When I finally decided to ask him who approached whom when he met her, he said he could not remember.
This is why if I were single, I would not approach a guy first.


----------



## uhtred

Several reasons. 

Some women are quite happy with shy quiet men just as some men are happy with quite women. Not everyone wants the same thing.

Confidence is not the same for all activities. Some men are specifically shy around women, but not in any way timid in general.

An even more important issue is that people change. I was very shy when I was young - had limited social skills due to having a mostly absent father and an alcoholic mother. I gradually became more outgoing and am very social now, but by the time that happened I was already in a permanent relationship.


"Pursuing" someone doesn't mean you are committed to a relationship. It can just mean getting close enough to learn about the person and find out if they are interesting. 




Buddy400 said:


> What women are interested in "good men" who lack the confidence to approach women?


----------



## Buddy400

Andy1001 said:


> Some people are shy.Does that mean they are not entitled to find happiness in life like everyone else?


I'm introverted. Now that I'm experienced (old), I could handle pursuing a woman (now that it doesn't matter anymore ).

Are shy guys entitled to happiness by having the same options with women that outgoing guys have?

Are short guys entitled to be good basketball players?

It's not a matter of being 'entitled', you have to deal with reality and do the best you can.


----------



## Buddy400

EllisRedding said:


> The problem is those women who complain about how they can never find a "good man", yet may be passing quite a few by b/c obviously if he doesn't pursue he must be lazy and lack any sort of initiative lol. This may go along the lines of @Wolf1974 above. You have pursuing vs showing interest, what is the difference (may depend on each person)


That's like telling a guy that he should ignore a woman's looks.

Sure, you're better of if you can de-prioritize stuff like that and prioritize other characteristics, but if confidence is what a woman is attracted to, I'm not sure how much she could do about this.


----------



## Wolf1974

Buddy400 said:


> That's like telling a guy that he should ignore a woman's looks.
> 
> Sure, you're better of if you can de-prioritize stuff like that and prioritize other characteristics, but if confidence is what a woman is attracted to, I'm not sure how much she could do about this.


I think we are defining this differently. I am very confident in all areas of my life. However I won't, at any stage of a relationship, put more effort in than a woman will. To me pursuing is when men never take no for an answer, make grand gestures to show they are interested, purposely friend zone themselves to get close to someone they want more from. No doubt in my mind these techniques work for some guys but not my way and I have always have success in dating . I would caution anyone , male or female, to never put more effort into something they aren't getting a return out of


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## EllisRedding

Buddy400 said:


> That's like telling a guy that he should ignore a woman's looks.
> 
> Sure, you're better of if you can de-prioritize stuff like that and prioritize other characteristics, but if confidence is what a woman is attracted to, I'm not sure how much she could do about this.


I am not disagreeing that confidence can't be an attractive quality. I think it has more to do with how each person is defining "pursuing", "showing interest", etc... and really the inference that if a guy maybe isn't confident to approach a woman he is lazy or somehow a failure at other avenues in his life (not from you).

For one woman, pursuing/interest could be just talking to a guy, and getting the feeling he is listening (invested in the conversations). For others, it would be him asking her out on a date. The next group, just asking for a date isn't enough, but the "wow" factor of the date ($$$) is what matters.


----------



## Buddy400

Wolf1974 said:


> I think we are defining this differently......





EllisRedding said:


> I am not disagreeing that confidence can't be an attractive quality....


To be clear, I'm not weighing in on what should or should not be attractive to a woman.

Personally, I think a guy just like me would be ideal for any woman. :grin2:

I've discovered over the years that many women are attracted to qualities in men that I think they shouldn't be.

Recently I was reading a blog by a woman who was training her husband to be an "alpha" male so that he would be someone who she could respect and want to have sex with. 

It all seemed a little perverse. 

But then she made the point that women can't control what they're attracted to any more than men can, so why would we expect them to? She had a point.

Sure, it would help both genders to put a few fences around what they desire but that's not good for them, but you can't pretend to be attracted to someone you aren't (and if you try to force it, it won't work).

So, if women are primarily attracted to guys who pursue them (and consider guys whose attentions they don't desire as "creepers") then that's the reality that we all need to deal with.

I only ask that everyone acknowledge reality instead of making believe that human nature is what we wish it would be.


----------



## Andy1001

EllisRedding said:


> I am not disagreeing that confidence can't be an attractive quality. I think it has more to do with how each person is defining "pursuing", "showing interest", etc... and really the inference that if a guy maybe isn't confident to approach a woman he is lazy or somehow a failure at other avenues in his life (not from you).
> 
> For one woman, pursuing/interest could be just talking to a guy, and getting the feeling he is listening (invested in the conversations). For others, it would be him asking her out on a date. The next group, just asking for a date isn't enough, but the "wow" factor of the date ($$$) is what matters.


I am glad someone brought up money.
When I was very young I went to a school for gifted kids,yeah big deal.There was a little girl in my class who was as timid as a mouse,she spoke to nobody except me and that was because we sat together.She was a boarder in the school,I was a day pupil and she used to follow me around like a little puppy.I was never unkind to her and always let her tag along with me and she would come to my home most days,she grew very close to my mom and eventually she came out of her shell a little.
I finished high school when I was fourteen and completely lost touch with her.On the day of my moms funeral which was in Scotland thirteen years later a woman who I vaguely recognised from tv came up to me and hugged me,she was crying really badly and I took her aside so she could compose herself.I hadn't a clue why she was at the funeral until she told me she was the little girl who sat beside me in school.She told me she had always loved me and when I disappeared from her life she vowed she would never again let someone she cared for go without letting them know.She had completely turned her life around,built a hugely successful company then in a total reversal she managed to get on tv and at this stage she had a very successful weekly show and an even more successful production company.
I felt bad for her having loved me and me not knowing or reciprocating.
I felt worse when I realised she was worth over a billion dollars.
She was shy with boys but in every other aspect of her life she was hugely successful.
Just as an aside when she was ten years old her iq was measured at 162,that was higher than Einstein or Hawking.


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## Holdingontoit

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sometimes I don't stand out or get noticed (or one said he thought I was too attractive to pursue. Which was sweet but BS)


Not necessarily BS to him. I am maybe a 4 on a good day. I might ask out a 5 or a 6 but I am not pursuing 8s, 9s or 10s. I am tired of getting laughed at.

And yes, I realize that the lack of confidence is not unrelated to my lack of success.


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## MEM2020

We are going on year 28 - because my wife asked me if I was going to a mutual acquaintances birthday party. 

Friendly assertive people are very appealing to me. I am not a big fan of aggressive people. 




southbound said:


> I've read here before that women believe they should never pursue a man. There was a recent thread where a woman actually made a first move, but said after that it was up to the guy.
> 
> Let me give example situations. I'm not necessarily talking about meeting someone in a bar for the first time and making the first move, but suppose you are single and there is a single guy at your work that interest you. Would you make the first move?
> 
> Supppse you are single, and a man you have known a long time becomes single, and you are interested. Maybe you aren't around each other a lot, perhaps you went to high school and just know he is now single and close by.
> 
> Would you try to show you are interested and perhaps make the first move, or is it the man's place to pursue the woman?


----------



## southbound

I forget how semantics can make a thread really difficult. 

When I said pursue, I meant to show interest to the point that it says, "I am interested, I would like to go out." Others might call it showing interest. It might be coming right out and asking the guy out or just giving a signal that says they are interested.


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## Wolf1974

southbound said:


> I forget how semantics can make a thread really difficult.
> 
> When I said pursue, I meant to show interest to the point that it says, "I am interested, I would like to go out." Others might call it showing interest. It might be coming right out and asking the guy out or just giving a signal that says they are interested.


Maybe my view is limited since all my second life dating has been online. I stopped asking women for dates and instead just asked if they want to accompany me on what I was already planning to do. Natural course was taken from there. I already showed interest by emailing them in the first place or responded when they emailed me. As you say semantics...we both get the same place different techniques :grin2:


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## MEM2020

When it works - it works easily.

She asked if I was going - I end up asking if she wants a ride - we have fun at the party. Then I ask her out on a date. And I just keep asking. 




southbound said:


> I forget how semantics can make a thread really difficult.
> 
> When I said pursue, I meant to show interest to the point that it says, "I am interested, I would like to go out." Others might call it showing interest. It might be coming right out and asking the guy out or just giving a signal that says they are interested.


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## heartsbeating

southbound said:


> I forget how semantics can make a thread really difficult.
> 
> When I said pursue, I meant to show interest to the point that it says, "I am interested, I would like to go out." Others might call it showing interest. It might be coming right out and asking the guy out or just giving a signal that says they are interested.


Do you mean who demonstrates interest first?

With my husband, he made contact first. The interest was reciprocated. He'd asked for my number, I gave it to him (which I never did initially). We'd arranged to meet casually at a club; it wasn't a date, no set plan. A guy I'd dated a few months before had gotten in touch and asked to meet later that night, different place, a set plan, my intention was to be there. 

I danced with hubs and when I started dancing with his friend, hubs told me he didn't play like that - said if I was still interested, he'd be at the club next door. Although my memory is vague, I remember being stunned and mentally kicking myself. Needless to say, I went after him. Never made it to meet the other guy (sorry, yes I technically stood him up). Hubs and I danced and kissed all night. Next day he asked me on a proper date. A lunch date. The date continued beyond this. He needed to run errands and asked if I was cool to keep hanging out. We chatted, listened to music, collected his dry-cleaning. He then blew off plans he had for that night and invited me to continue the date with a movie and dinner. He fed me strawberries. 

I have no idea what the crazy kids do these days. This was waaaay back. Pre-iphones. 

If you're feeling it, go with the flow.


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## Satya

I'm still of a mind that gender aside, in this world we often have a finite window of opportunity. So, if it's something you want, go for it. If you get rejected, it's no great loss then anyway. If you get a proposition by someone you otherwise didn't have your sights on, responding in the affirmative could also provide a possibility for something good in your future. 

Maybe upbringing and attitude have to do with it somewhat. I've never thought of myself as "aggressive," rather I follow what I know to be right and no one else can do that for me. Maybe because I was always average in looks growing up, so I didn't necessarily have anything worthy enough on the outside to draw men in over. Not that I wanted to, just making an honest observation. I suppose my circumstances and life brought me to the conclusion that I'd better seek what I want because it won't be handed to me.


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## aine

I answered this before and said no but I realise who I was at 22 and who I am not many years later, if I was interested I just might let him know


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## DTO

A couple of things (and I'll try to avoid getting lost in semantics - LOL).

First, I think with the internet/social media, you have to be willing to make the first move (unless you do “in person” only), because you don’t have any non-verbal cues to guide you. My GF is a perfect example. We "met" through a mutual friend's discussion on FB and chatted every so often. Given our 15-year age difference I (understandably) never looked at her from a relationship perspective. If she had not suggested an in-person meeting there’d be no “us”.

Second, it seems many of us prefer the “pursuit” to be similar to how we like to behave in a relationship. Example: with a lady from my past (also a “friend of a friend” encounter), I expressed interest and offered breakfast the following morning to talk in person. She was interested too but kept stalling for some reason. I ended the conversation and told her to let me know if she changed her mind, because I’m not into that and wouldn’t want to set a precedent where that is seen as acceptable.


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## AVR1962

Perhaps one way to look at this would be contact initially from either male or female is positive but only one is pursuing one has to realize it is not mutual. Even that has its fuzzies though. I was married to a man who I pursued and when I asked him why he didn't pursue me he told me that he had never been a purser and that it wasn't a lack of interest on his part but just not who he was. I wish I would have steered clear. Being the sole purser has areal one-sided feeling even if the other person indicates differently.


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## JayDee7

It's always been a turn off for me personally when a woman is the pursuer. A little smile or small talk are enough from a woman, even a question like do you have a girlfriend or are you married are usually enough to let the guy know you're interested. Anything more and it looks like the woman is a little too desperate and easy, while she might not be either of those things. I'm just cautious with women, so it may just be me. Be careful especially if the man makes a good living. There are what I call sharks everywhere circling who want to be with a wealthy man. I'm 40 years old, married, I know that no 22 year old should really be attracted to me. But sure enough, many do flirt openly with me because I am well off. I see them as sharks and to be honest hussies.


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## cnikkoaloysious2

its depend on the situation some guys are so choosy

Sent from my Q710 using Tapatalk


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## RubyRing

MrsHolland said:


> There is no rule on whether they should or shouldn't.
> 
> Personally I never have and never would.


I agree that there is no longer a rule on this. I can say that I HAVE pursued men in the past, but after my first divorce, I NEVER did again and here's why.

I have NEVER had any success when being the pursuer. If I chased a man in my youth, it NEVER led to a real relationship. My long term relationships, were all with men who initiated. Not every man who pursued me wound up being a boyfriend or husband, if I didn't like them back, obviously, but if a guy I liked pursued me, those had the best chance of turning into a real relationship.

That being said, I am on my third marriage, so obviously, I have had long term relationships not work out. But at least they were of some reasonable duration, and were happy for long periods of time, even if in the end, they failed. My first and second husband divorced me, much to my sorrow.

I really think if a man WANTS a woman he will pursue. I also think if a man doesn't particularly like a woman, but she throws herself at him, well, he might just see the opportunity for easy sex, and justify it, because SHE initiated it. It is for that reason that I stopped pursuing when I got older (and perhaps wiser). I wanted to be sure that the guy really liked me, and didn't just see an easy opportunity for no strings attached sex.

One thing I NEVER did was play hard to get. If a guy I liked pursued me, I responded warmly and enthusiastically. Once we established that we were a couple, I felt free to initiate anything and everything. No qualms about asking a husband or boyfriend for a "date night". No qualms about initiating physical affection, including sex. Only in the initial stages do I shy away from pursuing. 

Now that I have am very happily married (third time's a charm  ) it doesn't matter to me, who suggested the night out listening to live music, or who initiated hugs, kisses, etc, or who was the first one to say "I love you" this morning.

But in the beginning, I like to know that the guy really likes me, and is pursuing a RELATIONSHIP and not just a booty call. If he does that, I won't leave him guessing as to weather or not I like him back, or tell him I am to busy washing my hair to see him THIS weekend, but I am free in 3 weeks if he would like to see me, or any of that nonsense proposed in "The Rules".

Disclaimer: I am only speaking of MY experience and my reasons. If anyone here has had sucess with female led relationships, more power to them. Any woman here who has no issue with pursuing men, should do so. Men who prefer to be chased by the woman, rather than doing the chasing, I have no problem with that. To each his or her own. Different strokes for different folks.

Thanks all !


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## Diana7

I think it depends on what you mean by pursue. So many relationships start with meeting on line now, and I am sure that just as often women contact men as men women. 
I contacted my now husband on a dating site, and I am so grateful I did. Happily married for 14 years this year. If he hadn't responded then I certainly wouldn't have chased him, but just sending that first message is a great idea.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

On-line is different, about anything goes. Some websites, you can't even message the woman first even after you match. IRL, I tend to think more traditionally and find it a little off putting if the woman is aggressive.


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## NobodySpecial

It depends what you want. If someone were to have a problem with me being me, including demonstrating interest, that person and I would not get along.


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## lifeistooshort

I have no problem letting a guy know I'm interested, but I'm not pursuing anyone. 

IME men will pursue a woman that interests them....especially if she's shown interest. 

But a lot of men are lazy this way and will take someone that doesn't interest them enough to pursue if it's made easy and put in front of them. At least IMHE.

If a guy I like shows interest in me I will respond.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I dunno, I can only say there were women I chased woven in with women chasing me.

I was never not chasing women if I was awake, it was habitual and not stressful but a way to just appreciate the female form and conversations. 

Once I hit on a DMV lady, and she printed her phone number and gave it to me. I called her, and we had several encounters.

And she just used me for sex, but I her too. She was a great person.

So it can all be said, it's a balance.


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## NobodySpecial

I have to admit. I don't get the pursue/chase thing. Sounds like a weird game.


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## Rubix Cubed

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Once I hit on a DMV lady, and she printed her phone number and gave it to me. I called her, and we had several encounters.
> 
> And she just used me for sex, but I her too. She was a great person.
> 
> So it can all be said, it's a balance.


 Did it get you faster service?


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## farsidejunky

NobodySpecial said:


> It depends what you want. If someone were to have a problem with me being me, including demonstrating interest, that person and I would not get along.


This.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Rubix Cubed said:


> Did it get you faster service?


And I did!

At that time I was renewing tag on my second motorcycle a hundred years ago.


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## southbound

NobodySpecial said:


> I have to admit. I don't get the pursue/chase thing. Sounds like a weird game.


I’ve never fully understood that either. I always thought if two people were interested in each other, there would be some effort on both sides.


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## bobsmith

Just a guy here with apparently a rare INTJ personality. I can only think of one woman that I really actually pursued without provocation. All the rest made it known they were interested. None of them really actually "pursued" I would say. More like other women have said, they showed obvious interest and made it known. From that point, it is in the guy's court. 

I just figured I would reply for the women that some guys like me will NOT initiate contact, and for many reasons which I stand firm on. I have no idea if you are standing there with a boyfriend, have one at home, or just not looking. I also don't want to be just another guy hitting on someone. If a woman has interest in a guy, it would be a good idea to make that known. When it comes to actual "chasing", that just becomes a look of desperation. 

I apparently don't read through the thick of social interactions, if someone is just being nice and chatty, or has real interest. I guess if you are trying to attract my type, you will have to be clear. 

I have observed several women over the years that seem to flaunt their "available" status with the hair flipping, eye gazing, and such. It isn't long before a guy approaches. Usually these women are shrouded with other women around and totally confusing, at least to me, what the hel is going on.


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## Kay43

Interesting topic because this came up with my teenage daughter awhile back. She had a crush on a basketball player at the local high school. 

Another parent said girls shouldn’t be chasing boys that they should let the boys do the chasing. My daughter told me mom if I wait for that I won’t meet any boys because I’m homeschooled and don’t get around many. I told her go for it. Talk to him. So she did. Didn’t end up working out but hey at least she had the guts to talk to him. 

Not that I want my teen with just boys on the mind, but come on we all had crushes in high school right? As for myself, it’s been a long time, but I think I’ve pursued a few. I would much rather have the guy make the first move though.


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## Wolf1974

I think in the new era of blurred lines and responsibilities nothing is wrong with a woman pursuing. It honestly is kinda refreshing


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## jlg07

my wife asked ME out on the first date (of course I had sent her an email telling her she was keeping me up at night -- I had a, umm, vivid and interesting dream about her the night before, and I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep).
We were great friends and I didn't want to do anything to screw that up. I had broken up with my LTR GF about 2 months before.

SHE consulted with her Gf's about it (we worked together) and they said ask him out. She had NEVER done that with anyone else before. After that initial date, I did most of the date setup type of stuff....

We've been married for 30+ years.


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## AVR1962

SouthBound, I did not read all the replies so the thread may have taken a different life from the original post but in response to the OP, I am 56 and have not found in my dating that me initiating works. I am not a bad looking 56 year old and I am not chasing guys 10 years younger. I have noticed that men are much more receptive to me when they make the initial move for conversation. Perhaps my approach stinks!!!! Would I make an attempt? Perhaps but it would probably be very subtle, a hint that I am open to YOU pursuing me. I pursued my ex (married 24 years) but he was very passive. What resulted of that is I would feel rejected, unwanted (which is perhaps what men feel) because I was making the advances and he was taking it in. Never again as it made he feel terrible. So I really do encourage the shy guys to take those steps. I have so many times sat at the bar of a restaurant for dinner (I do not look my age) and everyone is on their cell phones. If you want a connection, go for it!!!!


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## NextTimeAround

MEM2020 said:


> We are going on year 28 - because my wife asked me if I was going to a mutual acquaintances birthday party.
> 
> Friendly assertive people are very appealing to me. I am not a big fan of aggressive people.


That's not the same as asking for a date.


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## Not

I’m a pursuer right now. I know what I’m looking for and figure if I don’t take charge myself what I’m looking for isn’t going to just walk through my door lol! So I’m going for it.


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## lifeistooshort

AVR1962 said:


> SouthBound, I did not read all the replies so the thread may have taken a different life from the original post but in response to the OP, I am 56 and have not found in my dating that me initiating works. I am not a bad looking 56 year old and I am not chasing guys 10 years younger. I have noticed that men are much more receptive to me when they make the initial move for conversation. Perhaps my approach stinks!!!! Would I make an attempt? Perhaps but it would probably be very subtle, a hint that I am open to YOU pursuing me. I pursued my ex (married 24 years) but he was very passive. What resulted of that is I would feel rejected, unwanted (which is perhaps what men feel) because I was making the advances and he was taking it in. Never again as it made he feel terrible. So I really do encourage the shy guys to take those steps. I have so many times sat at the bar of a restaurant for dinner (I do not look my age) and everyone is on their cell phones. If you want a connection, go for it!!!!



I think that's because the men who make the initial moves are the ones who are interested.

When you pursue you end up with the ones who aren't interested enough to pursue you, so of course you'd end up feeling rejected.

If he couldn't be bothered to pursue you why would he bothered to do anything for you once he had you? Making men pursue you weeds these guys out.

That's why it's a mistake to pursue men. Once a guy puts effort into pursuing me I'll do a lot of things for him.....if I like him of course.

But he has to be interested enough to come after me.

The one I'm seeing now sure did. As soon as he found out I wasn't with my husband anymore he started pursuing. He figured that if he didn't someone else would get to me..
.but now that we're item I make lots of effort for him.


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## Diana7

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> On-line is different, about anything goes. Some websites, you can't even message the woman first even after you match. IRL, I tend to think more traditionally and find it a little off putting if the woman is aggressive.


 Yes it is different. I sent the first message to my now husband on a dating site. Thank God I did. Happily married now for 14 years this year. 
The first message opened the flood gates for messaging. We emailed hundreds of times that first few weeks. We also met up only 4 days after that first message, we only lived 40 min's drive away from each other. I knew he was the one after a week. 
Had I not felt I should sent that first message it may well never have happened.


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## bobsmith

I guess I find it somewhat amusing to hear women feel rejected if they try to talk to a man, and they are not interested.....So the man should do it...... Cause, you know, men must handle rejection better. 


I have personally seen many fights break out just because a guy tries to talk to a woman having no clue if she is attached or not. It is pretty immature I admit, but I just think it is pretty weak for a woman to say they don't want to deal with rejection. 

However, at least the trend around here it seems is that the women that are not getting hit on are the ones stepping up. The ones that are flocked with men have no need to be brave most of the time. Arrogance typically wins the day around here.


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## Personal

My wife asked me out on a date close to 23 years ago.

Anyway by way of contrast to what @lifeistooshort wrote, the following has often been my experience.


I think that's because the women who make the initial moves are the ones who are interested.

When you pursue you end up with the ones who aren't interested enough to pursue you.

If she couldn't be bothered to pursue you, why would she be bothered to do anything for you once she had you? Making women pursue you weeds these gals out.

That's why it's a mistake to pursue women. Once a gal puts effort into pursuing me I'll do a lot of things for her.....if I like her of course.

But she has to be interested enough to come after me.

The one I'm married to now sure did. As soon as she found out another woman was interested in me she started pursuing me. She figured that if she didn't someone else would get to me.


I've not been shy about pursuing other women at all, and have been with some of them. Yet both of the women who I have been married to, pursued me as have most of the women I have been with.

My ex-wife asked a friend to ask me to talk to her, she then told me how beautiful I was. Followed by asking me to kiss her and all the rest through to asking me to have sex during the night we met.

While my wife asked me out on one date at lunch, before asking me out again for that evening. Followed by asking me to her place at the end of that evening. Before asking me to have sex with her on our third date.

Personally whenever I wasn't interested in a woman for whatever reason (there were plenty that asked), I simply turned them down and that included offers of NSA sex as well.


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