# Step son too enabled/entitled



## complainforme

I have 2 children 19 & 23 and a stepson 23. My new husband of three years constantly dotes on his son. He enables him to do no wrong; he allows him to do nothing in other words. He finally got a job 8 months ago. Hadn't been able to hold onto one for more than a couple months. He always blamed someone else or something else for all the shortcomings of Life. He expects everything on a silver platter. And every time something doesn't go his way, it's another COMPLAINING phone call to his father no matter what time of day, night or business interruption it may cause. No matter to the stepson. It's always about HIM! He's a narcisistic .... My kids have been difficult during the transition from my divorce to re-marriage but they are accepting now for the past 6 months and even helpful. His son has become increasingly resistent to being in the household; hates everything, his (newly) remodeled room, newer car, birthday gift (a new gps), parking in the street instead of driveway, you name it; it's a complaint waiting to happen I have discussed all of this with my husband and he continues to play to his sons (needs) and tries to make everything right all the time and give into every one of his wishes and complaints. I am sick and tired of my day before it starts. Stepsons mother is crazy and he tried to live with her, no luck. The sister threw him out after 2 days, had enough. My husband now tries to find fault with my kids because of his son's inadequacy and I bite my tongue each day. This adult child has to go but my husband is resistent to letting him move out with his cousin. I think it's the best things to teach him responsibility. After all the parents couldn't get through. He might as well get out and make his own way while he still knows everything right? I joke because otherwise I'd cry each day. This is supposed to be my new beginning with my new husband but each day it feels like the end. Help.


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## Hicks

Hard to help out here.
This situatiion is all too common in a divorce / remarriage.
Out of guilt, he will continue to overindulge his son, regardless of what you say.


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## tacoma

I'm on mobile right now so I can't get to a link but Google "step parent disengage" and start reading.

You're in an impossible situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland

You are now learning why second marriages fail at a much higher rate than first marriages.

This is not going to end well.


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## tacoma

Home now.

Got a link for you.

In my experience (and it is extensive) this is the only thing that might allow you to continue in your marriage for any length of time.


> What would be the best advice one stepparent could give to another when you find yourself in the situation where your stepkids won't respect you? Or if your spouse will not support you when it comes to his or her kids? One word. Disengage. What is disengaging? In essence, it is a way to protect yourself from being taken advantage of by the people living in your house. If you are tired of toys lying all around the house, tired of making sure that everyone gets done what they are supposed to get done, tired of being taken for granted, tired of many other things that result from being a stepparent you will find renewed energy and the answers to your problems if you disengage.
> 
> Disengaging - Stepfamily Help Page


However since your step son is already a legal adult I don't see any respite for you in the future at all.

You are going to have to get the kid out of your house.
What are the odds you can do that?


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## Althea789

I have been married to my husband for 8 years. I have 3 kids from my previous marriage, he has 2. His daughter is like your stepson. I tried warning my husband there would be consequences to his parenting style, of course he refused to change. He has created a monster as a result. He blames his ex. What a joke. I wish I could just sit back, laugh and not care, but the problem is, she is very disrespectful to me, and to my things. She is now a teenager & I can hardly stand to be in my own house anymore. I resent my husband for allowing her to be the way she is without addressing it. I honestly wish I would not have married him, but now my best years are well over, may as well lay in the bed I made. I invested everything into our home & family. Too late to walk away now. I agree with everything everyone else posted as well. Sorry, welcome to our world!


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## Emerald

I agree with disengaging.

Stop trying to get your husband to see your point of view. 

Stop trying to manage this adult's childs life. 

I married a man with 2 young adult sons. For 3 years I tried to impose my will of "how I think they should conduct their lives" on these MEN by talking ad nauseum with my husband who in the end does what he wants anyway when it comes to his children.

I let it all go one year ago. Life is much more peaceful for me now.


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## wifenumber2

Complainforme, I feel for you because I'm living under similar circumstances and am typing this now alone in my bedroom after a spat involving his 24 year old son (my issues are posted in detail tonight on this forum). 

Did you try the disengaging tips? I read them and got the message; however, it seems those are meant for parents with younger kids. My situation is similar to your's and I feel that the stress will only be relieved once he moves out. 

If I saw you in person I'd hug you!!! Hopefully we'll get some good advice on here to cope until they move out!


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## Bobby5000

The way you are talking, you don't seem like a spring day either. There's a certain nastiness in the way you describe things which will presumably lead him to protect his son more and be more distant towards you. 

Your stepson has a job, great, but somehow you are complaining about that. I don't get it. 

I raised two stepkids and we are really close. One thing I made sure not to do is favor my our own side, and if anything tried to bend in their favor. We had our tough times but they are both doing well. My wife and I tried to show them love even through tough times.

I think the poster above gave you some good advice. You shouldn't be trying to change or re-make your step-son. The average man isn't appreciative of that process by a wife or mother and it has to be ten times harder with a step-mother.


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## LoveAtDaisys

Agree with everyone else, only have one question:

You say you have a 23-year-old as well. Why is your child staying in the house? That is, why do you have no problem with your 23-year-old but are so angry about your husband's 23-year-old? 

I don't ask to be rude, I ask because likely the first thing either your husband or your stepson will say is "but [your child] gets to stay" and you'll need an answer figured out for that time.

Yes, you shouldn't try to "change" him; he's an adult, if he wants to be a directionless mooch he's old enough to make that choice. However, he's also old enough to pull his weight. Just make sure you're not doing anything you wouldn't do for your own children.


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## unbelievable

A 23 year old is not a child. He's been an adult 5 years. He needs to get his head screwed on straight and find his own place in the world. Leave some Army recruiting pamphlets next to his Legos, video games, and dirty magazines.


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