# Getting the kids out of my room



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, and have two little girls, (almost) 6yo and 2 1/2 yo. Both of them sleep in our rooms. The 6yo on a mattress on the floor next to our bed and the 2 1/2 yo's bed is raised up and level, next to our own bed. 

My wife swears this is the easier arrangement since neither are great sleepers (actually the older one does sleep relatively well these days, the younger though is very inconsistent). Plus neither of the kids want to leave our room. So, not only am I fighting the kids on this, but my wife as well. Again, she says this is easier for her, cause when she wakes to tend to them, they are right there next to us, as opposed to getting up and going into their room. 

I was wondering if anyone here had their own advice or experiences that can help me with this.

In case anyone was wondering why she wakes up at night with the kids and I don't, my wife is a very light sleeper, and I'm not :sleeping: lol. Plus, she says since I work and she's the stay-at-home mom, she should wake up with them (which is very sweet).


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

It's definitely time to move them out. 6 is old enough to sleep in her own room. Both of my children breastfed and coslept in the bed with us. We tried to move my son to his room at 2, but it didn't work. So we waited and tried when he was 3 and it was easy. Bought a new bunkbed and he moved into his cool room. My daughter easily moved into her crib at 1. She's 2 1/2 now and doesn't really wake at night. If she does, she doesn't need someone to come in, she has learned to self soothe. 

The little one might have become dependent on mommy putting her back to sleep. But I think the 6 year old needs out and the little one should sleep on the mattress on the floor and then transition her out. 

This puts a huge strain on your intimacy. My H hated the kids in our room. I can't imagine both at one time! Ugh! I wish you luck.

ETA: This is not helping the kids at all. They are becoming more dependent. You are breeding light sleepers that have bad sleeping habits. They need to learn to sleep on their own. There's nothing wrong with attachment parenting, but the line has to be drawn somewhere.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Unintended incindiary comment removed. God I need to edit myself better before hitting submit.

No they don't want to leave your room. The question is, can you and your wife get on the same page about changing that. If not, you are hosed.

If the answer is yes, then a good book is by a guy named Ferber, Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems. This book will address the issue you are likely facing of sleep association. Where the condition present upon falling asleep is not present upon partial wakings... The book does a better job than I do.

I am a strict disciplinarian in terms of expectations but a *positive* disciplinarian in terms of approach. For my part, I believe that teaching a child to sleep by themselves is a good thing in our current culture. If they can overcome difficulty with sleep association, they will sleep right through their partial wakings without needing to be soothed back down, resulting in higher quality sleep. I have been reading that sleep deprivation in school children is reaching epic proportions.

So if you also feel that it is in your CHILDREN'S best interest, you can have a family meeting and explain to them how it is going to be and why. Recognize and empathize that it is not what they want. But as the parent you are confident and assured that it is in their best interest. Explain what will happen based on the Ferber book. Then execute. Since there are two of them, and they are older, it will take a little longer than one youngish child... 

My two cents. This is a hot issue. So if you disagree with me, I sure don't blame you.

Best of luck to you.

S


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> The little one might have become dependent on mommy putting her back to sleep.


Sleep association dependency knows no age limit, IMO. It is WAY easier to adjust that association at 2 than 6! Better do it for th 2yo as well IMO.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Thanks for the comments so far. As I said before, it has an added difficulty because my wife isn't really convinced that moving them into their own room is necessary - she just swears up and down that its easier for her this way.
The only thing I can think of right now is this:
With my older one, have start sleeping in her room and I put sleep on the floor next to her, and then transition myself out once she's more confident on her own. 
Any opinions?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion you are just adding a different dimension to the sleep association. When she partially awakes and the conditions under which she fell asleep are not present, she will wake up fully. 

The only way to win your wife over is to look at it from the stand point of the best interest of the children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When I married, my wife had a 3 year old son by a previous relationship and he had grown accustomed to sleeping with her. I naturally wanted to sleep with my wife, so he was sent packing to his own room. There was some crying for a couple nights but he survived, the world still turned, and now he's 31. Parents need to be in charge and kids need rules and boundaries. The seemingly loving gesture of allowing a 6 year old to sleep on the floor of their parent's room is really training them to be needlessly fearful and insecure. Most of what passes for parental kindness is really dereliction of duty. Teaching kids boundaries is not cruel, it's the most loving gift a parent can give.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my opinion put the kid into their own rooms, they will cry. tough. kids cry. they will sleep. its harder for the parent that wants the kids in the room.

my oldest stayed in the room with us unti she was 1. then she was outta there. she was a good sleeper, until she knew that i would always pick her up when she fussed, and she was backtracking independance.

triplets stayed with us for 2 years, that seemed like a good number. besides if one woke up, then the other then the other. none of our kids slept in our bed. and i do understand with kids and their sleeping, between the three little ones, we hardley had a decent nights sleep...for years. at 7 finally not one little one wakes up.

your wife, will hate you for moving them and will give you hell. but she will come around. its tough when this is the routine. it will take a while to adapt to a new one. try date nite every other nite, movies, candy, flowers...music...massages....multi position sex...

yes i had baby lust, husband made me snap out of it....i was mad...but i understood and realized, there are two of us in the realtionship. and i didnt want to be (1) ALONE...

just my observation.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's all up to you and your family......the advice is spot on for your situation though. As for us if given the option my 12,10, or 8 year old will sleep in our bed in a heartbeat. 

Often when the wife or I are on business trips and the other is alone it's a perfect time to have the family bed open for business again!!

Good luck!! I will say at 2.5 they were in our bed 90% of the time even if they had their own rooms.......we like it though


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