# Room336



## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

Well if you have read my last few posts you will know what is going on. To make a long story short, wife and I have been together for 15 years and married almost 11. Things blew up about a month and a half ago and I was asked to leave. Been living in an extended stay hotel ever since. Wife called me a couple of days ago wanting to have dinner in a nice quiet place and talk about things. I had asked her about a week ago, but she wasn't sure about it at that time. The first week or so of the separation, I did not give her the space she had asked for and I acted like a child and let my emotions get the best of me. However, I have been giving her space ever since. 

Need some advise on what to talk about. I don't want to argue , or place blame on each other. That is what I am worried about the most. I am not ready to reconcile and I believe she is ready either. I want to be completely 100% sure we are both ready and I have worked on my issues.


----------



## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Don't put any pressure on yourself about it. Just keep it casual, if she wasnt ready last week when you asked her but feels she is now then maybe she has something that she wants to say... Listen and whatever you do, dont try to "fix" whatever issue comes up. Just listen and be present in the moment, remind yourself to take a deep breath and really think about what you are going to say next if you feel it getting heated. I have a really bad case of run at the mouth when Im in moments like that... easier said then done I guess but when I remember to breathe (and count in my head lol) then I find that I dont end up going somewhere in a conversation that I dont want to be. Good Luck!


----------



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

The problem about starting communication is that some people might not be ready, and I mean one or both. She may be still hurt and you could be still desperate and anxious. 

I can say that I am not ready yet to speak with my wife, and she isn't either and it's been 6 weeks since the break up. I've tried but the conversation seems sooooo vague and forced to the point that she asked for space. Moreover, if you guys are not ready from one moment to the other this can be awkward or even turn into a fight or plead. 

When you feel secure about your own composure is when you can start talking to her, and i mean that your first thought is not "I hope she takes me back, I hope she takes me back" but instead "mmm I am glad I am finally talking to my wife" and you are truly calm not just pretending to be cool.


----------



## justinjenny99 (May 8, 2010)

*Re: Room336 Meeting for dinner*

Thanks for your replies, both of you. I do think we are both ready to talk. I spoke with her earlier and her anger and anxiety has gotten a lot better and so has mine. I didn't want to talk when we were still filled with high anxiety and emotions. I really don't expect to be invited back to the house. It has been six weeks for me as well and it is too soon. I really can't put a time line on something like this. I would like to, but hers may be different. I heard the average separation is anywhere from 2-6 months. I will keep you guys posted on how everything went.


----------



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

That's good! like I said it is different from couple to couple. My wife is still really cold, sometimes I feel like as time goes by she has grown resentful for all the stupid things I did. She has turned short and cold even on emails, I really do not know what to think, and the only thing I can do is to wait and instead of turning all the coldness into something colder, I just reply lovingly. 

I am loving unconditionally although many times I feel like I cannot hold it anymore. I am living through what my best friend told me, "Let life to surprise you, life arranges itself no matter what" and that's true. I am trusting god that if we are meant to be together at least I tried and I am making changes in my life that will last forever. 

I am at peace with myself and with those around me.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

justinjenny99 said:


> Need some advise on what to talk about. I don't want to argue , or place blame on each other. That is what I am worried about the most.


Maybe this meeting should be more low-key...just talk and enjoy each other's company. Stay positive...maybe talk about some things you've read that have made a positive impact on you and why...if she says negative things, let it roll off...people argue with other people...if you choose not to go there, she will likely change her tone.

Talking about funny/fun times in the past might also be a good conversation starter.

It seems you are currently working on yourselves individually so it may be too soon to have serious relationship talks...maybe keep it at a lighter level at first.


----------



## firetruckred (Apr 25, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> That's good! like I said it is different from couple to couple. My wife is still really cold, sometimes I feel like as time goes by she has grown resentful for all the stupid things I did. She has turned short and cold even on emails, I really do not know what to think, and the only thing I can do is to wait and instead of turning all the coldness into something colder, I just reply lovingly.
> 
> I am loving unconditionally although many times I feel like I cannot hold it anymore. I am living through what my best friend told me, "Let life to surprise you, life arranges itself no matter what" and that's true. I am trusting god that if we are meant to be together at least I tried and I am making changes in my life that will last forever.
> 
> I am at peace with myself and with those around me.


This! My wife and I have been separated for two months and have VERY little communication and what is there is business like or cold coming from her. When ever she is that way towards me I do just as stbxhmaybe described, love unconditionally, that method has helped me so much.


----------

