# Help my mom is driving us apart



## keritochoa (Oct 14, 2007)

My DH and I have been married for 2 years now and have been together for 5 years. For the past several months we have been fighting to the point of no return, where we say things to each other and it does not phase us that we are hurting each other. I mean we always had problems but I think they have gotten worse now that we do not talk to his parents. My mother is completely unbearable!!!!!!! She makes drop everything for whatever she needs, she not only does this to me but to only one of my other sisters. I have an older sister who is not prego and needs my mother day and night. Instead of my sister and I putting my mother in her place, we just do whatever she wants to appease her. I know that she is getting in between me and my husband but also my sisters. She makes snide comments about my hubby but never about my sister who is prego's hubby. I am in no way shape or form jealous that she is pregnant but I am tired of the sympathy that she needs. She acts like she is the only woman in this world who had ever gotten pregnant. I finally have convinced my husband that we need to go to counseling. I try to stay away from my mother but she seems to always get under my skin. When she is alone with me or my husband she is as sweet as pie but when she gets around my eldest sister she is a b*tch! I can't help but to call her that. I love her to death but can not deal with her at this point in my life when I see my marriage going down the tubes. My poor father just does whatever she wants because she is the type of person who can never be wrong and will hate you if you do not agree with her opinions. Can someone please help me!!!!!!! Thanking you for reading my post....If anyone can offer me advice, please feel free to do so.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First how close do you live to your parents?

Why did you stop seeing his parents?

Is it possible to move away from where you are?

draconis


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## keritochoa (Oct 14, 2007)

we live close to them, less than 1 mile. There are in the next town over. He stopped talking to his parents because of his sister. She has done things in the past that he is not happy with, she caused us a lot of tension while we were planning the wedding. She is spoiled and he is tired of his parents covering up for her. She is a liar and a manipulator. My DH works for Sony and travels a whole lot but it would only be possible for us to move if he got a transfer. My job is close to where we live and it very very expensive to move. We live across from Manhattan and it is very expensive to live here.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well that takes out the easiest solution. My sibling had a simular situation and simply moved four hours away. The parents had to call or set things up yet were close enough to plan things but right on the spot never happened.

I don't know how you'd just make yourself unavailable. Does your mother just show up or call?

draconis


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## keritochoa (Oct 14, 2007)

yeah you can say that she just shows up, but I think her opinions are what is killing us. I see we fight day and night when she calls or when she has her smart @ss remarks. I believe my pregnant sister has alot to do with it. Thank you for all your help. I am going to try and find a way to get away from her


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you the best of luck. Stay off the phone with caller ID. As for her coming over be out more? No clue, but I hope you keep us updated.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

keritochoa said:


> yeah you can say that she just shows up, but I think her opinions are what is killing us. I see we fight day and night when she calls or when she has her smart @ss remarks. I believe my pregnant sister has alot to do with it. Thank you for all your help. I am going to try and find a way to get away from her



I think I am misunderstanding something here. If you and your husband both understand that your mother isn't worth the skin she's wrapped in, what are you and hubby having problems with? What is happening that is causing the two of you to seek counseling? 

If you cannot move far enough away to make it difficult for fmaliy to drop by, you stop answering the door when they drop by, without hiding the fact that you are home. You make sure they leave a message on your answering machine instead of you answering the phone.

There are many ways to put an end to this and, since you and hubby understand the problem that you are trying to rid yourself of, hubby should be extremely supportive of your actions.

What is it that you are fighting about?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think SageMother has a good point here in that you need to stand up to her. Additionally I'd tell her you will not stand for her verbal abuse or her bad mouthing your husband. 

When my father had done something my wife disapproved of she put her foot down in no uncertian terms. Yes it could have estranged him from our family but rather he did things her way and respected her all the more for it.

draconis


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

draconis said:


> I think SageMother has a good point here in that you need to stand up to her. Additionally I'd tell her you will not stand for her verbal abuse or her bad mouthing your husband.


I'd have to agree with this. A lot of times verbal abuse continues because we
enable it. If it happens when you see these family members, don't see them.
You didn't say what the problem is with your husband, though... it sounds
like the trouble in your marriage wasn't originally caused by your mother...
is that right?


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## keritochoa (Oct 14, 2007)

The problem with me and my husband is that there is a lack communication due to the fact that I am fearful of the problems that my family causes. He kind of explodes when my family treats like garbage. I think because I am fearful of my mother and yes I am married and should not but she has such a strong personality she could make my life a living hell. He is understanding to a certain degree.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

keritochoa said:


> The problem with me and my husband is that there is a lack communication due to the fact that I am fearful of the problems that my family causes. He kind of explodes when my family treats like garbage. I think because I am fearful of my mother and yes I am married and should not but she has such a strong personality she could make my life a living hell. He is understanding to a certain degree.





How does your mother have that much control over you life?

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had a little experience with a strong, overbearing mother myself (not to your extent) and it's really hard to stand up for yourself sometimes. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you have the luxury of a choice. Interactions with her are hurting your family and I agree with the posters that say you have to dis-entangle yourself from her influence.

If you can't stand up to her you need to stop interacting with her. Do not answer the phone, go to her house or allow her in yours. If she has a key, change the locks. Don't contact her until you feel you can assert yourself and tell her you won't stand for her crap anymore. You have to keep telling yourself that the only opinions that matter are from the people that care about you. You can't make her happy. You're not a bad daughter for not wanting a relationship with someone whose only objective is to hurt you.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

morning, 

it sounds more like every time your mom comes around you get into the mode of acting a certain way that you probably have since you were a kid. when your husband sees that he gets upset because you are not standing up for your marriage, instead letting minor petty problems seep into the marriage. so i encourage that you personally seek help so that you gain the skills to know how to keep those boundaries.


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

Sorry, I think you need to tell your mom to butt out of your business and if she can't act like an adult (not overbearing and manipulative), you'll just have to step away from the relationship for a while. Also, if you have any hope of saving your marriage, please seek counseling (professional, pastor, etc) to help you in that regard.


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## suziewong (Oct 15, 2007)

Who did you marry? Your husband, your mother or his parents? If you are committed to your marriage with your husband you have to put him first and you have to stand up to your mother. My son was having the same problem with his mother-in-law but he soon told her when she was welcome in his house and when she could call her daughter. Now that everyone knows the rules it's working well.
Stand up for yourself as you are no longer her "little girl"!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Let's give Keritochoa the benefit of the doubt sometimes people have their parents "babysit" because they can't afford to pay for one among other things. This maybe the reason she feels backed against the wall. She may have been conditioned to being the "little girl". To give an answer to her question we as a group need to find the reason she is doing what she is doing first, then give suggestions.

draconis


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