# Overreaction or separation?



## eekwhatdoido (Mar 3, 2018)

*Situation:
*
My husband and I have been married for 4 years (together for 9 years, two dogs and no kids). We live in a home we rent, we both have decent jobs which we enjoy and have been generally happy. We have hobbies, families get along, our friends are friends with each other and enjoy a regular sex life.

Unfortunately, a year ago I made a poor decision and signed us up for a joint credit card without telling my husband. I signed up for it as we had to book a flight and the airline gave us 50k in points. I run our finances since my husband doesn't really like having to deal with it or think about bills. I purchased the tickets with every intention of paying it off and telling him about it. Instead of paying it off, I racked it up to 10k and still didn't tell him. I do not normally make decisions like this and shame kept me from talking to him about it. The purchases I made were flights (which he was on), groceries/home wares, target/restaurants and leads for my work. I did not make any large purchases like a car or vacation to canada or supporting my hidden 2nd family. Also, i always made payments on time and other than having a large balance it does not hurt our credit and we wouldn't close it if we paid it off.

At this point, my husband found out about it (1 year since i opened it) and thinks I am reckless and that he cannot trust me. He immediately closed his joint checking account and opened up a sole checking account. He has accused me of stealing his identity, theft and stabbing him in the back. He is worried he will never fully trust me again, thinks due to this decision he can't trust me to be a good mother and is thinking about separation. 

*To give some backstory:
*
When we were 18 and first dating (6 months), I cheated on him with a guy at college. We were both so emotionally immature and different then and we broke up for a few months then got back together. I earned his trust back (punished myself and shamed myself) and we were able to move forward. He even has told me he totally trusts me especially since i work in a heavy male dominated field.
Fast forward 8 years....
The past year I have been struggling with depression where my work suffered, my weight skyrocketed and I as a whole was an emotional train wreck. I was in two car accidents (neither my fault w/ one totaling my car). I have been seeking therapy and on anti-depressants and have actually lost weight. We had a huge fight last year about my weight where he told me that he thinks my weight is a problem and isn't attracted to me anymore. (yet still loves on me, kisses me and tells me i'm beautiful). I was overweight when we began dating but i have gained over 80lbs since we have been together. My health is an issue and i do agree that it is something I need to change. I had a really hard time dealing his opinion of me and i believe it somewhat attributed to my depression.

He thinks my behavior is habitual citing "driving drunk" and being fat. I drove home drunk twice from a office happy hour about 1.5 years ago and since then I really have stopped drinking. I've stopped bc I don't enjoy being hungover not because I believe I am an alcoholic (which i am not). He referenced my weight and mental issues both of which I am seeking help for, made improvements and have nothing to do with his trust. I have never suffered from depression before. He mentioned that I cheated on him 8 years ago when we were 18 years old. I take the jab with my chin up bc I know i deserve that one.

When it comes to finances, we both are kind of terrible about our credit cards. We spend money we don't have on impulses for example not less than 2 weeks ago we went and bought him a new laptop and me a Roomba and put it on a credit card! We literally enabled each other with this bad behavior. This does not excuse my behavior but it does shed light on the situation.

When things are good, they are goooood. We have the same interests, love to go to concerts, dogs, have a great group of friends and make each other laugh. Over the holidays, we went on a 19 hr road trip and had the best time with music, games and the drive. I've been eating healthier and been conscious of my negative thoughts about myself. He has even remarked that since I've started therapy I have been able to help him with some of his demons and seeing things differently. I've also made some very good financial decisions like our ROTH, 401k, taxes where we live and how we pay bills/save.

*Moving Forward:
*
I do believe that no marriage is perfect and that all marriages have their consistent fights. I think that if i loved myself a little more, lost weight and lived a little lighter that that conflict in our marriage would end. Other than that, the only other issues tend to be "you didn't make me feel valued when you did this" or "every time we go out with friends you always want to leave early". 

When i talked with my therapist about this, the first thing she asked was is this something i've done before. I said no but the closest thing to it is when i eat food I shouldn't and hide it from him. She thinks that this sounds like a one time mistake and if he wants to separate its not because of this. She can totally see why I hid it from him and thinks that I am already shamming/punishing myself-- he doesn't need to add to it. She can see how it betrayed his trust but thinks this is a big overreaction. I have not shared this conversation with my husband as I feel like i can't defend my actions because then it belittles his feelings.

Since finding out, he was mad and upset, then kind of fine. The next morning upset and yelling at me through text and then at home we both cried. The next day he was still upset and kept saying "how could you do this to us...we were so happy" but then at home we talked a little more and focused on solutions and even had sex. He is now on a scheduled trip to CA and is acting like every text i send him is aggressive. Before he left he said he hasn't made his decision yet and is stuck bc he is worried i'll change and he will see me be happy with someone else. He also said that I'm amazing, and wonderful and make him feel awesome and he is worried he wont find that again if he leaves. 

I told him i have a plan to pay off the card, i will pay it with my bonus money from work which I have to earn. That means working longer hours and I would get part time job if needed. I would pay off all the debt and any of our other cards and take care of it. We will split all the bills and make sure there is 100% transparency with the finances. I also want to do couples counseling since we should have done that long ago. Since he is gone, I'm going to lay out the plan and share that with him when he gets back.

Part of me is like is he overreacting with separation? Can I convince him that this was a one time mistake in our marriage and I don't have a track record of this? Can I convince him to trust me again? Should i even try? I want to be with him and be happy because it really is great when we are. I know that this is a marathon, not a sprint and all marriages will have really great years and really ****ty. But that is what marriage is for right? If we were going to give up why the **** would we even have committed to each other?

I go back and forth between being pissed, saying "fine, lets separate. I get the dogs" and getting on my knees and begging. I know i have done a lot of wrong in the relationship. I know that I have made poor decisions and don't deserve sympathy for those actions but I do think there is a lot of gray area. I don't want this to be a "let's cut bait" type situation and I think that fighting for our marriage is worth it. 

But obviously internet people, tell me your thoughts on the situation.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hiii! First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure you are in a great deal of pain that we can't really see through a computer screen. My heart goes out to you! 

In my opinion, I think if you give him some space to deal with his own reactions and sort through this, he will probably realize he's overreacting. I would give him time to calm down and organize his thoughts a bit better. Yes, I think it's a bit of an overreaction and it sounds like he'll probably come to his senses. It's not easy to "wait things out" but I think that's exactly what you should do here. If you push for him to forgive you or stay, it might just make him more frustrated and confused. 

I'd lovingly say "I know I hurt you and I'm really sorry. I hope you'll be able to forgive me and I'm here when you're ready to work through this." Or something like that. See if he comes to you after he goes through the rollercoaster of emotions.


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## eekwhatdoido (Mar 3, 2018)

Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I was not expecting that when I posted.

I think you are right. I have been kind of pressuring him to either be 100% in or 100% out and I need to give him time to make sense of all his emotions.

Since he is out of town I have an opportunity to move some of my stuff into our guest room and stay in there. Should I do that to give him space or is that just being dramatic?

Thanks again!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How did you open a joint credit card without his signature?


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## eekwhatdoido (Mar 3, 2018)

I just opened it up online and it didn't require a physical signature.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@eekwhatdidido, you two are young. Like most people- and especially young people, starting to build your life- you're making some mistakes. You are also working to fix them: 


$10k is a lot of money to go into debt! At the same time, it's not insurmountable. You're willing to get a second job to pay it off, showing accountability and a willingness to fix the problem. 

You drove drunk twice, and then to address that, you haven't it done it in years and basically quit drinking. 

You realized you were getting depressed, then went and got help for it, both medical and talk therapy. 

Same for gaining weight- 80lbs is a lot of weight to gain. However, you are changing your diet and losing weight. You're addressing it, not ignoring it.

In my experience, people who work hard to improve their lives, who fix the errors they find, tend to be successful in life. The pattern you're describing is one of a person who wants to be accountable and make improvements. Even now, you're reaching out for help. I think you're on a great path. 

Since you've been with your H since you were 18 or 19 years old, this is probably the first and only real adult relationship you've been in. Is your H similar in age? If so, the same probably goes for him. My thought is that he is over-reacting and also that he is not particularly sensitive to you. You've had a rough year, including two accidents, and you're doing the finances because he won't. But then, he is young and also making mistakes, and hopefully correcting as well.

My recommendation to you is to continue the therapy. I like that your therapist is working on correcting your negative thoughts. It sounds incredibly simplistic but how one thinks about oneself is directly related to what s/he tells themselves. One of the most powerful and effective techniques I found was changing my own self-thoughts so that I was "speaking" to myself in a caring way. When you speak kindly and honestly to yourself, you will see through anyone who tries to treat you poorly. Their words will feel bad, it won't fit with what you know yourself to be. (Conversely, people who speak poorly to themselves feel badly about themselves; when someone treats them poorly, it feels true and feel like a fit).

As far as your current situation: yes, you made a financial mistake. It's not a lethal mistake, it is fixable, and you are working to fix it. If your H wants to separate finances over it, that is his prerogative. He'll then be responsible for paying his own bills, etc. 

If he wants to separate or divorce over it, then that is also his prerogative. You're willing to work with him and you don't believe any of this is worth divorcing over but he has his own decision to make. You are young, with a career and a good head on your shoulders. You will be fine and yes, you'll find love again, he shouldn't worry about you. (BTW all of these things are true, and you shouldn't worry about you, either!)

That's about all I'd do, regarding the current situation. I wouldn't move out of the bedroom. Unless you've done something truly horrible like cheat, do not get on your knees and beg! I would take advantage of you getting your own separate checking account and would start beefing it up, taking care of your own business. If he calms down and decides to work with you, great! If not, well, OK. You'll have your path set out for you. But there is no need at this time to react to him. There isn't anything more you can do in regards to finances anyway. 

It sounds like you're in low point in your marriage- these happen. He is having issues, you're addressing everything you can. The ball is in his court. Just keep working on yourself and know that you are going to be OK either way. Moving forward, continue to make decisions that will ensure your well-being (e.g. don't get pregnant at this time, continue on in your career, pay off your debts, continue your self improvement.)

Best of luck to you!


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## eekwhatdoido (Mar 3, 2018)

@RoseAglow This was unbelievably helpful and made me cry. Thank you for your feedback and thoughts on the situation.



RoseAglow said:


> _"In my experience, people who work hard to improve their lives, who fix the errors they find, tend to be successful in life. The pattern you're describing is one of a person who wants to be accountable and make improvements. Even now, you're reaching out for help. I think you're on a great path. "_



I've never looked at it like that. I've always looked at the fact the I have problems to fix rather than the fact I am trying to fix them.



RoseAglow said:


> _"Since you've been with your H since you were 18 or 19 years old, this is probably the first and only real adult relationship you've been in. Is your H similar in age? If so, the same probably goes for him. My thought is that he is over-reacting and also that he is not particularly sensitive to you. You've had a rough year, including two accidents, and you're doing the finances because he won't. But then, he is young and also making mistakes, and hopefully correcting as well."_



Yes, we are both 27 and this is the only real adult relationship either of us has had. We've never really had real set backs (losing a job, losing our parents, having a kid etc.) and you did put it in perspective. I think all he sees are my problems too rather than me trying to fix them. So do you recommend acting as if a separation isn't going to happen? Just kind of stay calm when he gets upset or over reacts? How do I convey to him this isn't a "lethal mistake" without minimizing his feelings? I know a big part of this is trust. 



RoseAglow said:


> _"My recommendation to you is to continue the therapy. I like that your therapist is working on correcting your negative thoughts. It sounds incredibly simplistic but how one thinks about oneself is directly related to what s/he tells themselves. One of the most powerful and effective techniques I found was changing my own self-thoughts so that I was "speaking" to myself in a caring way. When you speak kindly and honestly to yourself, you will see through anyone who tries to treat you poorly. Their words will feel bad, it won't fit with what you know yourself to be. (Conversely, people who speak poorly to themselves feel badly about themselves; when someone treats them poorly, it feels true and feel like a fit)."
> _



Thank you for sharing that and I will continue with therapy. I struggle the most with my negative thoughts and the high expectations for myself. If I don't meet those expectations or fail I consider my self a piece of crap and not good enough/worth it. Those are my own inner demons that I have to battle and i never realized how much thoughts can really become an internal truth. I also think because of my lack of self worth I've justified his reaction and made him think i'm more distrustful because in his eyes "if i felt guilt or shame, i would have told him."



RoseAglow said:


> _"It sounds like you're in low point in your marriage- these happen. He is having issues, you're addressing everything you can. The ball is in his court. Just keep working on yourself and know that you are going to be OK either way. Moving forward, continue to make decisions that will ensure your well-being (e.g. don't get pregnant at this time, continue on in your career, pay off your debts, continue your self improvement.)"_



I think I needed to hear that. I've been so cruel to myself and thinking the worst. At least for a moment you've made me feel like I'm not a piece of **** and i'm worth something. *I will be okay with either outcome.*


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@eekwhatdidido, I'm glad my post was helpful! 

One of my biggest realizations as an adult was that the voice in my head that says I'm a POS is just that- a voice. Not only that, every person has a similar voice. I think many women and men have the voice that says any failure makes us a Failure. A terrible worthless Failure. It's all a lie though. You're totally normal in this, ask your therapist about it. You are far, far from worthless! You are very much worthy of a good relationship, of love, of a great life! 

We all fail sometimes. We just do, we are all human. You made mistakes just like every other person. We all try to avoid the really big failures that cause real destruction. You got lucky that you didn't cause real harm from drunk driving, and then you made a great choice to not do it again and you've actually stuck to that decision. Otherwise, financial debts can be paid, weight can be lost. You're going to make other mistakes in life. We learn and grow from them. As you get older and gain experience, you'll gain more confidence in your ability to make corrections and you'll have less fear of failure. Getting older does have some perks. 

As for your Husband, there is no way to convince him that your mistakes are not lethal. They might be, to him. To me, your mistakes are common and really are small items that you are actively working to address. But he will have his own values, his own math to do to decide whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship. My recommendation would be to ask him for his thoughts, listen to him and accept what he says as his truth, but not necessarily The Truth. He doesn't decide your worth: you decide it. While as an outsider, I do think he has over-reacted, it is a good habit to avoid that kind of judgement with your spouse. His reaction is just that- his reaction. You both will feel differently about a gazillion things in the world, and your feelings are just as valid as his. 

If he wants to separate, then you don't have much choice but to do so. But it really is true that you are going to be OK either way. If he does make that decision, it doesn't mean that you are terrible or worthless or bad or any of that. It would just mean that he was not the guy for your long term future. It would mean you are like the vast majority of us in 2018, who didn't end up long term with their teen sweetheart, who had at least one relationship fail. You will be OK.


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