# Am I overeacting



## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Ok so hubby and I go to dinner with his fam, and before we get there we have a small fight about who is right and wrong about a minor issue. By the time we get to dinner and meet his fam we solve it and we are happy again. The issue was minor and he had no reason to feel resentment anger or anything as we were both at fault and we solved it.

Then we go to dinner and are lovey dovey etc. During dinner with fam, I see a guy literally wearing no pants so I tell his mom and we are like really and laughing, and he says dont point its rude and 'like you havent seen that before'. I just thought it was uncessary to say it that way so I got offended by it. But whtaever, then when I spill water he is like ohhhh goodd, and I hate when he does this. It is such a overreaction. He always does this. So his comment about the pants thing was bothering me and I said, 'do you have to react so dramatically' and he gets all pissed off at me. Then there is tension and I can see he is unhappy with me. I try to make up and put my hand on his knee and talk to him and he is clearly still irritated with me. When we get out, i hold his arm and caress it but he is like stop, common..whist I do this, he is looking intently at st in the doorway as his family is exiting the door of the restaurant (we got out first) and i ask him whats wrong, what are you looking at, and he is focused on the door and doesnt answer (he does this, he focuses on one thing in other past instances too so I am used to it) but then all of a sudden, he yells at me and says, 'Im trying to see if my mom is able to get out okay!!' His mom is on clutches and there was a bit of a crowd in the entrance. His family also looked embarrassed and i was shocked and angry at him. Even his mom said it was unneccessary and he was being asslhole...I don't get why he did this and if he is treating me badly in our marriage. He tends to not accept blame when he does things like this. He said I was not giving him space and I was snapping at him in the restaurant? That 'they' his fam only sees his last reaction and thinks he is being an a,ss....
How so? Did I do st wrong here for him to behave this way? Am I the culprit?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe tensions where still high from the previous argument that's why he reacted so. I do think for you to say "do you have to react so dramatically" was disrespectful. What one spouse finds bothering might not be so with the other.

Do these kinds of arguments happen a lot?


By the way welcome to TAM


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why do you abbreviate something as st?

You don't do it with any other words.

Anyway stop being the one to try to make up all the time.

If he's acting like a prick then just leave him alone, don't try to nice him back into your arms, that never works.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

over20 said:


> Maybe tensions where still high from the previous argument that's why he reacted so. I do think for you to say "do you have to react so dramatically" was disrespectful. What one spouse finds bothering might not be so with the other.
> 
> Do these kinds of arguments happen a lot?
> 
> ...


Yes we fight over very small things often. I find it so unfair when he does not see how his reaction is so disrespectful. There are lines you do not cross. Even if he was angry at me, should he yell in front of other people, esp. family members like that? And over what, a comment I made about his reacting to water spilling being too much? Even if this is rude of me too, he could have talked to me later on. I dont see how that warrants snapping and yelling in front of other people. He has done this before too.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Whew, just reading that made me tense up. Sounds like you guys were both on heightened alert with each other and both on the defensive the whole evening. Hard to say why that started. Maybe your little fight in the car was still bothering him even though you felt resolved? What was the fight in the car about, if you don't mind me asking? 

Is your relationship always prone to this? Is there something particular going on, like a stressful situation?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Why do you abbreviate something as st?
> 
> You don't do it with any other words.
> 
> ...



lol I dont know, I didnt even notice i do that. I will stop doing it from now on.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

How long has this been going on? I mean the way you guys argue. I am just curious because it seems to be about small stuff that gets carried away....I am not being mean...we all have arguments in our marriage...a couple has to "learn how to fight fair"


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

I find that usually when my husband and I are bickering about small, silly things, these fights that get picked are usually just obvious surface things to argue over when it is actually a deeper issue upsetting us. Could this be the case with you and your husband?

Another thought I had while reading your post is, sometimes I feel couples will bicker and argue if they have simply spent too much time together without having any personal space/alone time. Some more than others require a little bit of time and space, and will feel irritated if they don't get this. Maybe you guys just needed a little time away from each other to shake off little annoyances before coming back together?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

over20 said:


> How long has this been going on? I mean the way you guys argue. I am just curious because it seems to be about small stuff that gets carried away....I am not being mean...we all have arguments in our marriage...a couple has to "learn how to fight fair"


How can I word my sentence as to show him he did not fight fair in this situation. We have been like this ever since we got married a year and half ago. I realize I could have taken the higher ground and not snapped at him over dinner but he also snapped at me. Even when I say babe I realise I didnt need to snap at you and I should have given you space, but I feel it is crossing the line to yell at me like that and you didnt need to go to that point, he says, you are trying to show that what I did is worst and play victim. I dont see how I am doing that?? He says he didnt snap at me in dinner, he merely pointed out that I shouldnt point fingers and that the guy might have seen it and its rude. Fine fair enough, but he did other things too, like commented with a uggh eww face on how I had food all over the table near my plate to me, even that he feels was not being rude to me. He never sees it from how I feel. I mean it was just a few rice and crumbs on the table?? He makes me feel like maybe he is right, maybe I was the one snapping and I go crazy. His inability to see 
1. his wrongdoing (very righteous attitude)
2. see his reaction yelling is crossing line
FRUSTRATES the shi,t out of me.
3. he thinks that im fixating on the yelling despite him coming to me and wanting to make up (this is just now as we were not talking to each other) is me trying to put blame on him and say what he did is worst. But he YELLED at me very disrespectfully in front of his entire fam with no fear of embarrasing me or him, like he didnt fear my reaction or sentiments on how that would make me feel. 

I just dont know how to convey this message to him. Did he not cross the line? Is he right to think I need to let it go and say 50 50 fault since he came to make up to me??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> During dinner with fam, I see a guy literally wearing no pants so I tell his mom and we are like really and laughing, and he says dont point its rude and 'like you havent seen that before'.


Ok I have to ask. What? 

Why was the guy wearing no pants at dinner?

Maybe if I understand this it all might make more sense.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> How can I word my sentence as to show him he did not fight fair in this situation.





peaceandhappiness said:


> I realize I could have taken the higher ground and not snapped at him over dinner but he also snapped at me. Even when I say babe I realise I didnt need to snap at you and..He says he didnt snap at me in dinner, he merely pointed out that I shouldnt point fingers.. he feels was not being rude to me...maybe I was the one snapping..me fixating on the yelling despite him coming to me and wanting to make up..he YELLED at me very disrespectfully..Is he right to think I need to let it go and say 50 50 fault since he came to make up to me??


Oh would you just stop it about the fair fighting already and about how he snapped so you snapped and how it's not fair and who should be blamed and blah blah freaking blah?

It's not all about who fights best or who fights fair. 

In fact, you can make it about not fighting at all. It takes two you know. Why don't you just quit it with the snapping and the score keeping and see how much better the two of you can get along if he's the only one picking fights all the time and not getting the expected response from you?

Seriously you sound like you're in grade school.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

peaceandhappiness said:


> How can I word my sentence as to show him he did not fight fair in this situation. We have been like this ever since we got married a year and half ago. I realize I could have taken the higher ground and not snapped at him over dinner but he also snapped at me. Even when I say babe I realise I didnt need to snap at you and I should have given you space, but I feel it is crossing the line to yell at me like that and you didnt need to go to that point, he says, you are trying to show that what I did is worst and play victim. I dont see how I am doing that?? He says he didnt snap at me in dinner, he merely pointed out that I shouldnt point fingers and that the guy might have seen it and its rude. Fine fair enough, but he did other things too, like commented with a uggh eww face on how I had food all over the table near my plate to me, even that he feels was not being rude to me. He never sees it from how I feel. I mean it was just a few rice and crumbs on the table?? He makes me feel like maybe he is right, maybe I was the one snapping and I go crazy. His inability to see
> 1. his wrongdoing (very righteous attitude)
> 2. see his reaction yelling is crossing line
> FRUSTRATES the shi,t out of me.
> ...



I see where you are coming from....you have been married for a year and a half right? Lets' push the issue aside for a moment. The two of you have to learn that not always is one spouse right or wrong. It takes two. Hubs and I read once a really great analogy. The speaker taught the group of married couples to use "fruit throwing " as a way to convey how hurt one is about the argument....for example a petty little fight might be.."you keep throwing apples at me behind my back....this is how I FEEL about.....such and such" or you just threw a huge pumpkin at me out of now where....am I missing something to want to say to me?

It sounds korny but I think it works....the sooner a couple can learn how to argue and resolve the better....it's like learning how to dance with two partners trying to lead.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ok I have to ask. What?
> 
> Why was the guy wearing no pants at dinner?
> 
> Maybe if I understand this it all might make more sense.


LOL no he was wearing pants up until lower than his ass cheeks and holding it up with a belt! I thought it was funny as everyone could see his boxers...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> During dinner with fam, I see a guy literally wearing no pants





peaceandhappiness said:


> LOL no he was wearing pants up until lower than his ass cheeks and holding it up with a belt


I'd like you to use the word "literally" in a sentence and then write down it's meaning 10x.

You're going to thank me for this.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Oh would you just stop it about the fair fighting already and about how he snapped so you snapped and how it's not fair and who should be blamed and blah blah freaking blah?
> 
> It's not all about who fights best or who fights fair.
> 
> ...


ok fair enough.  I know we are both immature to be hones. I just dont want him to walk all over me. sometimes i feel he does these things cause he doesnt fear the consequences which is not much as we make up again and usually he has a very righeteous attitude (50 50 you did, i did so we are both equal even if he yelled at me in front of his friends) and I never yell at him or make him feel embarrassed like that in front of ppl. i dont feel he has much fear, admiration or respect for me and walks all over me.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> I'd like you to use the word "literally" in a sentence and then write down it's meaning 10x.
> 
> You're going to thank me for this.


dude, why are being so rude?? Did you have a bad day? If you want to help me in my marriage by giving advice then thats welcome (all opinions and criticisms) but can't you just cut me some slack and stop being an english teacher? Slangs and street talk is different from me writing an essay and submitting it for my thesis. Yes i used the word literally in a casual way to convey something, yes it was wrong, yes his pants were not technically all the way down, get over it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> I just dont want him to walk all over me. .. i dont feel he has much fear, admiration or respect for me and walks all over me.


Ok, that's definitely a problem and I don't know how to solve it.

I've seen couples where the guy blasts the women in front of friends and relatives and she doesn't hit back. It does make him look like an abusive loser and does provoke sympathy towards the woman. 

You could try that. Just ignoring it. Or, firmly telling him that he will treat you with respect and not speak to you that way in front of other people. And not giving him sex for, say, a week after such incidents occur.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> dude, why are being so rude?? Did you have a bad day? If you want to help me in my marriage by giving advice then thats welcome (all opinions and criticisms) but can't you just cut me some slack and stop being an english teacher? Slangs and street talk is different from me writing an essay and submitting it for my thesis. Yes i used the word literally in a casual way to convey something, yes it was wrong, yes his pants were not technically all the way down, get over it.


Are you snapping at me?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

peaceandhappiness said:


> ok fair enough.  I know we are both immature to be hones. I just dont want him to walk all over me. sometimes i feel he does these things cause he doesnt fear the consequences which is not much as we make up again and usually he has a very righeteous attitude (50 50 you did, i did so we are both equal even if he yelled at me in front of his friends) and I never yell at him or make him feel embarrassed like that in front of ppl. i dont feel he has much fear, admiration or respect for me and walks all over me.


It's interesting that you say he "walks all over you" and yet the way you describe his behavior it almost sounds to me like he is acting (I hate this word, but) "beta." Like he is muttering things under his breath and sighing and overreacting to things and not controlling himself. The way he acts actually sounds to me like someone who does not feel like he has power. 

I really would like to know though, what was your fight before dinner about?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

OP have you reconciled with your husband on this matter?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> How can I word my sentence as to show him he did not fight fair in this situation. We have been like this ever since we got married a year and half ago. I realize I could have taken the higher ground and not snapped at him over dinner but he also snapped at me. Even when I say babe I realise I didnt need to snap at you and I should have given you space, but I feel it is crossing the line to yell at me like that and you didnt need to go to that point, *he says, you are trying to show that what I did is worst and play victim.* I dont see how I am doing that?? He says he didnt snap at me in dinner, he merely pointed out that I shouldnt point fingers and that the guy might have seen it and its rude.* Fine fair enough, but he did other things too, like commented with a uggh eww face on how I had food all over the table near my plate to me, even that he feels was not being rude to me. He never sees it from how I feel. I mean it was just a few rice and crumbs on the table?? He makes me feel like maybe he is right, maybe I was the one snapping and I go crazy. His inability to see
> 1. his wrongdoing (very righteous attitude)
> 2. see his reaction yelling is crossing line
> FRUSTRATES the shi,t out of me.*
> ...


UGH. My ex husband used to pick the crap out of me this same way. Pick pick pick, criticize criticize criticize. Then would have the nerve to get pissed because I would get annoyed and "give him dirty looks". I used to try and nice my way to making up too. Rarely did I ever get apologies from him, things would just go back to "normal". For a while. Vicious cycle that never ended til I left. 

You need to keep standing up for yourself, or he will NEVER treat you with the respect he should. That doesnt mean snapping back at him in front of everyone. Start approaching this from home, one on one. Maybe counseling could help the two of you learn to communicate better.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Are you snapping at me?


No I am merely asking you to not fixate on something minor and try to put me down, when it has nothing to do with my marital problems and does not help me (considering this is a marriage forum).


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

peaceandhappiness said:


> No I am merely asking you to not fixate on something minor and try to put me down, when it has nothing to do with my marital problems and does not help me (considering this is a marriage forum).


Well, truth be told, I wonder if some disagreements and relationship strife are due to nothing more than miscommunication.

I see examples of this all the time on these boards.

You said the guy had "literally had no pants", when in fact you meant the pants were slipping down and exposing some serious butt crack. This definitely caused confusion on behalf of one or more members, because you didn't accurately describe the situation.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe she felt that he "had no pants on". There are laws about this type of thing in certain cities....maybe the OP is very modest.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

over20 said:


> OP have you reconciled with your husband on this matter?


No he is at the gym right now. I will have a chat with him when he comes home. The problem is when I start to talk he becomes very defensive and doesnt listen. And we get into bigger fights. The level of being calm and seeing others perspective isnt there, on both sides but I am trying. Like right now I will try but when I say you make me feel this way, he will just say well you made me feel this way so i yelled. done. finished. both are at fault. I want him to say yes we both snapped etc and you could have done thing diff but i feel i also didnt need to yell and it was an overaction and will not do this again as it is disrespectful and disruptive to our marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Next time it happens you won't have to say "yes we both snapped" because you will have taken the high road. How can he defend against yelling at you in public when you've done nothing to him in return?

If that doesn't work.. you may need counseling to develop conflict resolution skills. Otherwise this problem will continue to fester.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

peaceandhappiness said:


> No he is at the gym right now. I will have a chat with him when he comes home. The problem is when I start to talk he becomes very defensive and doesnt listen. And we get into bigger fights. The level of being calm and seeing others perspective isnt there, on both sides but I am trying. Like right now I will try but when I say you make me feel this way, he will just say well you made me feel this way so i yelled. done. finished. both are at fault. I want him to say yes we both snapped etc and you could have done thing diff but i feel i also didnt need to yell and it was an overaction and will not do this again as it is disrespectful and disruptive to our marriage.


Honey you cannot make him say x or y....maybe give it some time...sleep on it....If you are anything like me I want to resolve a fight right away..my hubs is not like that..he needs time....time and space....I suggest in this instance give him time and space....I am not saying he is right or you are right...let emotions cool down.....maybe try writing a little letter expressing your thoughts.....being married is also about humbling yourself....maybe come to him tomorrow, calmly suggesting to talk....this, I think is the biggest issue in a marriage...learning how to get past a fight....chin up....the sun will come out again......be wise with your words.....


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Well, truth be told, I wonder if some disagreements and relationship strife are due to nothing more than miscommunication.
> 
> I see examples of this all the time on these boards.
> 
> You said the guy had "literally had no pants", when in fact you meant the pants were slipping down and exposing some serious butt crack. This definitely caused confusion on behalf of one or more members, because you didn't accurately describe the situation.


Of course miscommunications is a big problem in a marriage Lenzi. It is actually a big problem in all aspects of life whether it is with ones boss or child or a grocery store clerk... 
Anyways, does it really matter, does the discussion of the pants being fully off vs half off vs up to 'butt crack' really matter when I am trying to put across another major point here which is the lack of respect I feel my husband gives me....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When your husband responds to you harshly, do not respond back the same way. Gently tell him that you do not want him to speak to you that way. It is unloving. Do not respond to his complaint or what he is upset about. Respond to how he is treating you. When he can speak to you in an appropriate manner, respond to him calmly and discuss it civilly. The way you two are bickering back and forth does nothing to resolve an issue.
There is an ancient saying that I have seen to be true:
"A harsh word stirs up anger, but a gentle answer turns away wrath."
It is much better to respond calmly and gently rather than responding to angry person with anger. If you answer back with anger, you will get more anger directed at you. It's about self control. You cannot expect the other person to go first, so you do it and you can change things for the better.
I would not recommend withholding sex from him to punish him. Sex is not a weapon. It is better to clearly articulate your boundaries and to set healthy boundaries for yourself in how you respond to people who are rude to you. Being rude back only keeps the cycle going.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You two are caught up in a piss fight. Each of you feels like you are being victimized and controlled by the other. He is being passive aggressive and you are feeding into him by replying to his passive aggressive verbal picking on you.

It takes to do this. So just stop it. Stop your part of this nonsense. Do not react to him when he does this. When you are in public and he does this and you do not say anything to him, others will notice. He will end up looking like a person who is picking on his wife.

When you are responding to his every nitpick you look like you are part of the problem.

Do not talk to him about this topic tonight let it go. Why? Because then you once again play the nagging wife to his passive aggressive game. 

Give it a few days while you think through your boundaries and how you are going to handle this. 
For example you can have the boundary that you will not be talked to like that. If anyone talks to you in that manner you will walk away from them. Then every time he does this you just walk aways. At a restaurant go to the bathroom, or go sit next to someone else. At home just go to another room.

The passive aggressive/nagging wife game is fun to him because he thinks it makes him the victim and he has your attention. If you just walk away he does not have anyone to play with.

Here’s a story to let you see how this works. When my son was about 9-10 months old he got the idea in his head that it was hilarious to bash me in the nose with his head. I’d pick him up, he’d bash my nose, I’d scream … and he would laugh his head off. I guess he thought that making mommy scream was about as funny as it gets. So what I started to do was that then he would bash me I immediately put in on the floor and told him “I don’t like playing with mean little boys.” And I’d walk out. He hated that. He no longer got my attention. After doing that a few times he stopped bashing my nose. He wanted my attention and I’d only give it to him when he did treated me well.

Now that you have stopped playing the nagging wife role, start figuring out how to fix your relationship. This pattern that the two of you have is very destructive to marriages. It will not be all that long before he’s posting on TAM telling us that he’s married to a woman who just nags him all the time. No matter what he says to her, she just tells him to stop it, yada yada yada.

Get into counseling. Get him to go to MC with you at some point so that you two can learn healthy communications.

There are some books that I think will help you learn to talk to him about this in a healthy way and to set new patterns. 

“Love Busters”

“His Needs, Her Needs”


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## Anthony.W (Jun 6, 2014)

My wife and I use to argue a lot about small issues in the first year of our marriage. It was very tired both mentally and physically. We finally made the agreement to not care about who is right who is wrong about the small issues, and then we noticed the positive change to our marriage. 

I really don't think fighting for who is right or who is wrong about everything is necessary. It makes you to get the habit of focusing on the negatives of your partner and will affect the way you see your life. 

I use to look for my wife's mistakes and use it when we argue. However, it turned me to a negative person that I only look at the negatives. I almost forgot what made me attracted to my wife, because I only focus on the negatives.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

We talked and he got more angry. Said I was blaming him again and not accepting my fault. I formed a talk to first emphazise how I should not have done this and that and was sorry for it but he also cannot take it another level and yell at me. After a bit of fighting, I put my hands on my ears and he yanked! aggresively my hands off my ears and said it was rude of me and frustrating to him to not have me listen like a child. I screamed saying dont put your hands on me and he got so intimidating like in my face. I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS. then he comes to me over and over again and we talk and we never go anywhere. he does come ot me though and i dont to him cause of what he did to me (regarding the yanking i was so pissed off) now he is playing video games on our tv (thats where he plays its xbox) REAL loud. He never wears headphones when we are in a fight. we have a small apartment. i find that so unreasonable but what can I do. i dont want to talk to him in this state. i just dont understand how to get him to stop taking over the whole damn house with the noise when he never puts his headphones on while we are in a fight like this. he knows it bothers me and does it to piss me off more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does he put his hand on you like he did tonight?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?


29...i know...i need to mature up. im trying, i used to be worst....He puts his hands on me often after a BIG fight, usually cause I provoke it like I put my hands on my ears or I dont want to talk to him and i go in the room but he follows me and wont let me leave, like hold me there like a wall (not hold me down or anything) but still not let me leave the room. man handling basically.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you see why I said not to talk to him until you have an approach figured out? 

Do you have someplace that you can go tonight? I'm wondering if you leave him a note that says I cannot sleep with the game on loud. We both need to calm down. I'm going to my mom's for the night. We can talk I the morning.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

peaceandhappiness said:


> 29...i know...i need to mature up. im trying, i used to be worst....He puts his hands on me often after a BIG fight, usually cause I provoke it like I put my hands on my ears or I dont want to talk to him and i go in the room but he follows me and wont let me leave, like hold me there like a wall (not hold me down or anything) but still not let me leave the room. man handling basically.


Ok, now there are bigger issues at hand...if he is putting his hands on you in a negative way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> 29...i know...i need to mature up. im trying, i used to be worst....He puts his hands on me often after a BIG fight, usually cause I provoke it like I put my hands on my ears or I dont want to talk to him and i go in the room but he follows me and wont let me leave, like hold me there like a wall (not hold me down or anything) but still not let me leave the room. man handling basically.


You putting your hands on your ears might be a bit immature looking, but it is not an excuse for him putting his hands on you.

Has he ever bruise you or otherwise hurt you?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You putting your hands on your ears might be a bit immature looking, but it is not an excuse for him putting his hands on you.
> 
> Has he ever bruise you or otherwise hurt you?


I cannot go to my Moms, I have no family here. I live out of state. I did not read your response before I talked to him so I made a mistake...should not have. He went to bed stopped playing video games. But if I had left, he would have had an excuse to say I again made small thing into big thing and point the blame at me. He is so hard to reason with, he is very righteous.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you answer this please: Has he ever bruise you or otherwise hurt you? 

You are doing what is called "walking on egg shells": To be overly careful in dealing with a person because they get angry or offended very easily; to try very hard not to upset someone.

Your husband is being abusive. Do you realize that?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Can you answer this please: Has he ever bruise you or otherwise hurt you?
> 
> You are doing what is called "walking on egg shells": To be overly careful in dealing with a person because they get angry or offended very easily; to try very hard not to upset someone.
> 
> Your husband is being abusive. Do you realize that?


I realise this but sometimes I feel I am also very hard to deal with. I also get offended fast. And he says he has to walk on eggshells too. I dont think he is entirely at fault but I feel he is very difficult to deal with ONCE WE REACH A LEVEL OF FIGHT THAT IS BEYOND JUST NORMAL ARGUMENT. But even when it is normal argument he is VERY VERY good at being right and not giving me the apology I want if he messes up. It is very hard to have him be the bigger person and say babe I should not have done that. Or I am wrong. He thinks I put blame on him and do not want to be in the wrong. That I think HIS fault is BIGGER than mine...

Regarding video game, do you think this is abuse too or if he does this after big fights is it okay? We live in a relatively small apartment. What do you think I should do regarding this and what is your opinion on how big of an abuse this is?

Regarding him abusing and hurting me violently, not really. But once we got into a big fight and after that he hasnt done anything. And I did start that paticular incident (long ago) which we then went to marriage counseling for. PLEASE BE ADVISED I STOPPED DOING THIS AND GETTING OUT OF THE CAR ETC. AFTER THIS OR AGGRAVITING THE SITUATION BY TOUCHING HIM WHILE DRIVING. That incident that time, I was being completely out of control in the car where when we parked in the traffic light after arguing where I got out of the car. Then he went to the side and I got in again. Also I had yanked his hat off. Then when we got home I was yelling and screaming and he said stop and I didnt, so he held my mouth and I was yanking and jerking to get off and he pinned me on the floor and then I dont remember what happened but I must have also hit him or something cause then he put his hand on my throat and proceeded to stop me from yelling by putting pressure considerably. I called my mom crying and his parents also got involved. He wrote an apology to my parents and said he would never do this again. He hasnt ever since got to that level.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If this marriage is going to be fixed, the two of you need to get into MC. You both really need individual counseling as well.

Neither of you know how to talk to each other, how to properly fight and/or have an argument. 

Him playing video games after a fight is not abusive. He is being childish by not using his headset. The purpose of him not using the headset is that he wants to aggravate you. The video game is great, he can aggravate you without saying a word.

I'm writing more.. will post shortly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If this marriage is going to be fixed, the two of you need to get into MC. You both really need individual counseling as well.

Neither of you know how to talk to each other, how to properly fight and/or have an argument. 

His playing video games after a fight is not abusive. He is being childish by not using his headset. The purpose of him not using the headset is that he wants to aggravate you. The video game is great, he can aggravate you without saying a word.

I am very concerned about the physical abuse. You say that you no longer engage in this sort of thing. That’s good. It’s as bad for a woman to do it as it is for a man.

Do not allow him to get away with putting his hands on you again. This sort of thing almost always escalates and gets worse. If he touches you like that again tell him to stop. If he does not call 911. He needs to know that other will interfere if he does this.

If I were you I would write him a letter laying out YOUR boundaries.
We have a problem in this marriage as we cannot discuss things without it going to an argument, and then the angry words start to fly, you start pushing me around and intimidating me. So I’m setting some boundaries for myself. I will no longer engage in angry outbursts. I am also going to find a counselor and learn better ways to communicate. I hope that you will join me in this. 
1)	I will only engage in calm and having a healthy conversations. 
2)	I will not tolerate being yelled at and having angry arguments.
3)	I will not tolerate anyone putting their hands on me in violence.
4) For now, I will only discuss hard topics between us with a counselor present as a mediator and coach in how to talk without escalation and violence.
5)	
From now on I will use the word “STOP” as a safe word.

When I feel that a conversation is escalating into an angry fight I will say “STOP”. Then I will walk way and go someplace to calm down. I might go to another room, for a walk, or a drive. It’s us pt each of us to calm ourselves down. I’ll be separate for up to an hour.

If you put you try to prevent me from leaving, put your hands on me, push me around, follow me, I will call 911. 
I hope that you realize as I do that our marriage is in trouble. I just want to work together to fix it, to stop the anger and to go on to have a long and happy marriage. If we cannot do this, then I just do not see how we can stay together.

Give him the letter and follow through.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Thank you so much for this advice and I will follow through on this. i WILL NOT LET HIM get an opportunity to point fingers at me. but I am only human and if there is a moment where I do st wrong, does he get to play video games out loud or piss me off like that by taking over the house? should i just close the door in our bedroom and not let him know it bothers me or leave the house and stay in hotel (my only other option?)...if he is in the wrong I can ask him first to not play without headphones but if I did st too and the fight is between both of us it is hard for me to say pls put it on and not have him say no i will f off type attitude. thanks again for your wise advice so far.

ALSO re the letter, I will email him tom in the day time once I get a chance (although he will be at work so i dont know if this is good)...i will go to bed for now its late here. Or perhaps I will leave him a letter in the hosue while i go to the gym in the evening after work? i dont know.

P.s we tried counseling and it didnt help that much. it was a little bit of a drag cause once we fought we would make up then in counselling every week we would have to open up past wounds and relive it again and get into more fights on the way home when that issue was burried. so i found it to be very exhausting. in the end he really wouldnt think wow i made mistake that much anyway. perhaps same can be told for me. i dont know. we are both headstrung. but I still think he is very very righteous and domineering.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Thank you so much for this advice and I will follow through on this. i WILL NOT LET HIM get an opportunity to point fingers at me. but I am only human and


When I used the “STOP” word I practiced it in front of the mirror until it was an automatic reaction. I stood at the mirror, replayed one of our arguments in my head. When it got to the point that it was clearly going to blow up I said “STOP” firmly out loud and put my hand up in the “STOP” sign. I did that until it was automatic.
Then I used it with my husband. It worked. It ended most of our angry arguments. And when things did out of hand I just “STOP” and walked away.



peaceandhappiness said:


> if there is a moment where I do st wrong, does he get to play video games out loud or piss me off like that by taking over the house? should i just close the door in our bedroom and not let him know it bothers me or leave the house and stay in hotel (my only other option?)...if he is in the wrong I can ask him first to not play without headphones but if I did st too and the fight is between both of us it is hard for me to say pls put it on and not have him say no i will f off type attitude. thanks again for your wise advice so far.


After you give him the letter, you will know that you expect him to not play his games loud. So if he’s doing it he’s trying to get you to escalate and go after him verbally. So don’t give him what he wants. Ignore him. Get a pair of sound canceling headphones? Keep them in the bedroom. Shut the door and shut him out. If you can play music or a show on them that’s good. Or just get ear plugs.
The ear plugs would be good because he would not see them and you could just walk about and ignore him. 
Is there an apartment manager? You could report your apartment for making too much noise. Just don’t tell them that it’s you. Let the manager show up and chew him out for this. I would do that in a heartbeat. Just never let him know that you are doing it.
If ignoring him a few times does not work then the hotel room is a good idea. Moving out might be an even better idea. Seriously if he’s going to be so childish as to continue the video game harassment thing, and he’s abusing you physically, it might be time to just move on.


peaceandhappiness said:


> ALSO re the letter, I will email him tom in the day time once I get a chance (although he will be at work so i dont know if this is good)...i will go to bed for now its late here. Or perhaps I will leave him a letter in the hosue while i go to the gym in the evening after work? i dont know.


Don’t disrupt his work with the letter. This is personal so just leave it for him where he will find it.. like on the xbox or something. Or print out several and put them all over the place.


peaceandhappiness said:


> P.s we tried counseling and it didnt help that much. it was a little bit of a drag cause once we fought we would make up then in counselling every week we would have to open up past wounds and relive it again and get into more fights on the way home when that issue was burried. so i found it to be very exhausting. in the end he really wouldnt think wow i made mistake that much anyway. perhaps same can be told for me. i dont know. we are both headstrung. but I still think he is very very righteous and domineering.


Look for a different kind of counseling. You need behavior modification. You need to learn skills on how to deal with issues, how to talk, etc.

Now you can talk about issues in the couseling session, but the concentration is on how to talk to each other. 

Stop trying to justify yourself. Stop trying to figure out who is wrong an who is right. The fact is that both of you are doing things that are not right.
If he picks on you for something the response is not to point out that he’s wrong, or explain anything to him. Just respond “STOP” or don’t say a thing. That’s it. Don’t say anything more.

Look at today’s thing…

He tells you to stop pointing at the guy.. your answer “yea opps”. {It’s not that you were wrong. It’s that your actions were not really right. It is rude to point at people like that . Wearing pants below the butt is some stupid gansta thing. I hate it. I always want to walk past them at the store and just tug on the pants enough so that they fall all the way down. Stupid people. But I don’t ‘cause well I’d get in trouble (life is no fun sometimes)}

He complains about your crumps around your plate… ignore is comment. 

You kept asking him what he was looking at. What does it matter what he was looking at? He stares at the door, or fly on the wall, or some other nonsense, leave him alone. Bugging him by insisting to know what he’s looking at is harassing him. 

I’m not saying that he was right in his replies and picking on you. I’m saying that you are escalating the situation.

If you think that MC is not going to work right now, get into counseling at a domestic abuse organization so that they can help you. If you change, he has to change.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I understand how you feel. I have had similar issues early in my marriage (with the self righteous husband who never apologises). During stressful periods it was worse. What was even worse was even when I admitted to any wrongdoing, DH would simply accept my apology as his due and refuse to admit to any wrongdoing on his part. Since then he's said to me that women often apologise in order to get an apology; as if they are trying to give their partners a good example to follow... "if I say it, you should too". 

Guess what I've learnt not to do? You got it, I don't apologise to him much anymore. If I've caused serious offence or done something I know was bad (which is incredibly rare), I will apologise. If it's just something minor that I've done, I will probably admit I should've done something differently, but I don't apologise. Eg. He might tell me I shouldn't have done something that way, might even get pissy about it. I might say, 'oh, I'll do it differently next time', BUT, NO APOLOGY!

Don't be the weak link. You are his equal. You don't have to apologise if your breathing offended him. If he treats you like crap in front of everyone, he deserves the looks of disgust he receives; serves him right.

One thing that's also important to learn is to not hold grudges. If he wants to sulk and pout, let him. If he points out you did something silly (like pointing at someone and potentially embarrassing them), take it on the chin and move on. Treat it like a learning experience.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

peaceandhappiness said:


> We talked and he got more angry. Said I was blaming him again and not accepting my fault. I formed a talk to first emphazise how I should not have done this and that and was sorry for it but he also cannot take it another level and yell at me. After a bit of fighting, I put my hands on my ears and he yanked! aggresively my hands off my ears and said it was rude of me and frustrating to him to not have me listen like a child. I screamed saying dont put your hands on me and he got so intimidating like in my face. I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS. then he comes to me over and over again and we talk and we never go anywhere. he does come ot me though and i dont to him cause of what he did to me (regarding the yanking i was so pissed off) now he is playing video games on our tv (thats where he plays its xbox) REAL loud. He never wears headphones when we are in a fight. we have a small apartment. i find that so unreasonable but what can I do. i dont want to talk to him in this state. i just dont understand how to get him to stop taking over the whole damn house with the noise when he never puts his headphones on while we are in a fight like this. he knows it bothers me and does it to piss me off more.


Leave the house. Go to a park and read a book. Go see a movie by yourself or sit in a café and enjoy some time to yourself. Don't let him dominate you like that. Show some independence.

As for the yanking his hands off your ears, he shouldn't have done that, it was a bad move, however, putting your hands over your ears is ridiculously childish and I can see why it would've infuriated him. I would suggest never doing this again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> LOL no he was wearing pants up until lower than his ass cheeks and holding it up with a belt! I thought it was funny as everyone could see his boxers...


Ok, .... sagging. I hate that. 

So did your husband think it rude of you to laugh or was he concerned about a confrontation or what?
Trying to understand why he was upset. But the thread has gone into a more productive direction so I will just have to wonder what triggered him.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Of course miscommunications is a big problem in a marriage Lenzi. It is actually a big problem in all aspects of life whether it is with ones boss or child or a grocery store clerk...
> Anyways, does it really matter, does the discussion of the pants being fully off vs half off vs up to 'butt crack' really matter when I am trying to put across another major point here which is the lack of respect I feel my husband gives me....


Or....

You can take constructive advise and just politely do what is asked. Consider it an exercise on how people communicate without you twisting a comment the wrong way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about dealing with each other kindly and with each person's well-being at heart. There is a power struggle going on that doesn't need to happen.
Let him be and do not fight with him. Accept him for who he is and do your part to stop the fighting.
EleGirl has given you some very good advice. The whole thing about a letter to set boundaries is good. Don't be surprised if he does something similar back to you. If he does, that would be a good thing.
Learn to practice self-control. When you get out of the power struggle, things should begin to calm down. The idea in a healthy relationship is that you each look out for the best interests of the other. That doesn’t mean being pushed around. That’s not good for anyone. It does mean that when someone is behaving badly we don’t jump right in and join them. It does mean not pestering or bothering people.
The two of you are in a cycle where he does something and you hone in on it and pester him. The issue with him at the door of the restaurant was silly. You don’t need to know what he is looking at or what he is thinking. It doesn’t matter.
Also you seem to be quite worried about someone telling you that you did something wrong. It’s okay. Just relax. You may be right or you may be wrong, but listen to the other person, decide if their point is valid or not, then respond calmly. If you don’t think they have a point, then say something like, “thanks, I’ll consider that.” There is no need to argue. You do not have to get drawn into an argument.
The good news is that you have the power to change this situation for the better by being willing to go first and do the right thing. It is hard to do the right thing when you don’t understand what that is, but you have been very good about explaining what is going on, so others can give you an understanding of what went wrong and how to avoid conflict in a similar situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness,

How's it going today?


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

breeze said:


> I understand how you feel. I have had similar issues early in my marriage (with the self righteous husband who never apologises). During stressful periods it was worse. What was even worse was even when I admitted to any wrongdoing, DH would simply accept my apology as his due and refuse to admit to any wrongdoing on his part. Since then he's said to me that women often apologise in order to get an apology; as if they are trying to give their partners a good example to follow... "if I say it, you should too".
> 
> Guess what I've learnt not to do? You got it, I don't apologise to him much anymore. If I've caused serious offence or done something I know was bad (which is incredibly rare), I will apologise. If it's just something minor that I've done, I will probably admit I should've done something differently, but I don't apologise. Eg. He might tell me I shouldn't have done something that way, might even get pissy about it. I might say, 'oh, I'll do it differently next time', BUT, NO APOLOGY!
> 
> ...


So regarding the issue of taking the higher ground and not letting him be able to point fingers at me if we get into a fight, what should I do if he snaps loudly at me in public if something I do unknowingly bothers him (let’s say he did this regardless of me snapping at him in the restaurant). Here is what I think I should do. I ignore him at the moment, calmly later on tell him what he did I felt was unnecessary, disruptive to our relationship and disrespectful to me. I would like him to work on that in the future. IF he says well, the way you were ‘i.e. dunno lets say ‘rolling your eyes’ I felt was unnecessary and disrespectful to me, should I just say…’Ok I understand that you felt that way but that was not my intention. But in the future I would appreciate it if you could let me know that offended you after we get home.’ Is this good?? 
The problem with my spouse is I may make a mistake that is small (my opinion such as eye rolling) then re reacts with a big one (snapping loudly in front of his family or friends)…so I say babe I know I made a mistake but your reaction was ‘crossing the line’ – he hates that word cause he thinks in his warped mind eye rolling and yelling is the same thing. I pushed him there. You see where I am going with this.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is about dealing with each other kindly and with each person's well-being at heart. There is a power struggle going on that doesn't need to happen.
> Let him be and do not fight with him. Accept him for who he is and do your part to stop the fighting.
> EleGirl has given you some very good advice. The whole thing about a letter to set boundaries is good. Don't be surprised if he does something similar back to you. If he does, that would be a good thing.
> Learn to practice self-control. When you get out of the power struggle, things should begin to calm down. The idea in a healthy relationship is that you each look out for the best interests of the other. That doesn’t mean being pushed around. That’s not good for anyone. It does mean that when someone is behaving badly we don’t jump right in and join them. It does mean not pestering or bothering people.
> ...


Thank you all for the advice first off. This has really helped me. I wanted to ask, when he came home last night from the gym, I went up to him and said babe can we talk, and he was already all defensive and righteous from the get go but anyways I said I did this wrong, I should not have, I will work on that in the future but can you work on not doing this as I felt this was crossing the line. Then he just shuts me up saying there you go again pointing fingers, if you dont snap I wont yell. etc. So I say fine I dont know why I tried. I go watch tv that I was watching. He says you call that trying! All you are doing is pointing fingers. Comes after me and snatched the remote to watch what he wants. After fights he is stronger than me so he often just snatches the remote and watches what he wants. If I am in a sour mood I used to snatch back and it would escelerate but yesterday I just said fine hog the tv and walked off. He then followed me and started to talk to me. 
HE TALKS ALL OVER ME. HE DOESNT LET ME EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. HE IS VERY INTIMIDATING.

You see he really wanted to make up because it is torture to him to have this silence cold shoulders thing. Then the fight happened more and eventually he started playing video games and went to bed again. In between this I did somethings I should not have 1. I said dont touch me and you are aggresive, he got very hurt and defensive over this. I also said to him the way he reacts disgusts me and he got very angry over this. 2. He said I was deliberately yelling don't touch me to let the neignbors hear and call the police. 3. He thinks I try to potray him as being abusive when he has told me many times not to put my hands on my ears and I dont listen and act like a child.

One problem I have is if I give that letter and say I will not tolerate him being violent and call 911 he will be super pissed off more and the relationship fixing will take aback turn, believe me. He will just think i am trying to make myself the victim more here by putting up this letter.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> peaceandhappiness,
> 
> How's it going today?



We went to bed not talking, he got up and left for work without saying anything. I am thinking about how to word the letter right now to leave if for him when he gets back from work.

Like I said in my last post here, several things I am worried about.
1. He will be very defensive and think I am making a small thing he did into a mountain and trying to play victim and make him a domestic abuser when he has told me many times to not put my hands on my ears and act like a child that it bothers him very much and that I did it so he was just trying to have me listen to what he was saying.

2. calling 911 thing might push his anger out the door instead of make him think oh she is trying to be better so I should too. i dont know if the letter makes me look too I didnt do anything wrong, you need to stop doing this this this. that type of thing.

3. this is a side question but what do you think I should do when he snatched remote from me while I am watching tv. this is so dominating. if it is at night I dont know what to do except walk off cause i obviously dont want to cause a physical fight but how am I to address this type of behavior? or the fact that if I say please put on headphones, he refuses how many times am I to go to the hotel...He is the type that if I say I asked you and you refused so I am going to a hotel for the night to get some quiet and we can talk tomorrow, he will say ' No where do you think you are going, will block the door and say no I am not letting you go'. Snatch way the keys to the car from my hands. Then prob stop playing games cause he knows that it is too much to continue with it but then put the tv on (relatively better in volume) and continue on. So you see what I mean.


I am reposting this cause I think the topic is interrelated and could use some advice here:
So regarding the issue of taking the higher ground and not letting him be able to point fingers at me if we get into a fight, what should I do if he snaps loudly at me in public if something I do unknowingly bothers him (let’s say he did this regardless of me snapping at him in the restaurant). Here is what I think I should do. I ignore him at the moment, calmly later on tell him what he did I felt was unnecessary, disruptive to our relationship and disrespectful to me. I would like him to work on that in the future. IF he says well, the way you were ‘i.e. dunno lets say ‘rolling your eyes’ I felt was unnecessary and disrespectful to me, should I just say…’Ok I understand that you felt that way but that was not my intention. But in the future I would appreciate it if you could let me know that offended you after we get home.’ Is this good?? 
The problem with my spouse is I may make a mistake that is small (my opinion such as eye rolling) then re reacts with a big one (snapping loudly in front of his family or friends)…so I say babe I know I made a mistake but your reaction was ‘crossing the line’ – he hates that word cause he thinks in his warped mind eye rolling and yelling is the same thing and that I pushed him there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Thank you all for the advice first off. This has really helped me. I wanted to ask, when he came home last night from the gym, I went up to him and said babe can we talk, and he was already all defensive and righteous from the get go but anyways I said I did this wrong, I should not have, I will work on that in the future but can you work on not doing this as I felt this was crossing the line. Then he just shuts me up saying there you go again pointing fingers, if you dont snap I wont yell. etc. So I say fine I dont know why I tried. I go watch tv that I was watching. He says you call that trying! All you are doing is pointing fingers. Comes after me and snatched the remote to watch what he wants. After fights he is stronger than me so he often just snatches the remote and watches what he wants. If I am in a sour mood I used to snatch back and it would escelerate but yesterday I just said fine hog the tv and walked off. He then followed me and started to talk to me.
> HE TALKS ALL OVER ME. HE DOESNT LET ME EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. HE IS VERY INTIMIDATING.
> 
> You see he really wanted to make up because it is torture to him to have this silence cold shoulders thing. Then the fight happened more and eventually he started playing video games and went to bed again. In between this I did somethings I should not have 1. I said dont touch me and you are aggresive, he got very hurt and defensive over this. I also said to him the way he reacts disgusts me and he got very angry over this. 2. He said I was deliberately yelling don't touch me to let the neignbors hear and call the police. 3. He thinks I try to potray him as being abusive when he has told me many times not to put my hands on my ears and I dont listen and act like a child.


So he thinks that you putting your hands on your ears is justification for him to physically abuse you?



peaceandhappiness said:


> One problem I have is if I give that letter and say I will not tolerate him being violent and call 911 he will be super pissed off more and the relationship fixing will take aback turn, believe me. He will just think i am trying to make myself the victim more here by putting up this letter.


Just stop it already. So what if he gets pissed off. It's not your job to walk on egg shells trying to figure out how to get him to not act like an abusive ass. 

If he says anything about it's you trying to make yourself look like a victim, tell him that all he has to do is to act like a reasonable adult and not be abusive. he choses his own actions.

I suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and get his outbursts on tape. Keep these private from him. At some point you might be able to use these to show him why his behavior is way over the line.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

All this over a tv remote?

Really? Wow.

I probably would have told him that was uncalled for, tell him I was going out for a cup of coffee cuz I'm too mad and need to cool off a bit. Then I'd grab my coat and head out for awhile.

Defuse it. Then come back and tell him tomorrow I'll go out and get a second tv so this kind of situation doesn't happen again.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Revamped said:


> All this over a tv remote?
> 
> Really? Wow.
> 
> ...


But it is at 11pm at night so I cannot go out for a coffee. He has gone out with friends for drinks and come home drunk after a fight so I refuse to go drinking if somebody suggests that. BUT If he continues to do this, i will go buy a new tv. Regarding xbox, if he doesnt stop playing games loudly after a big fight I dont want to keep going to a hotel cause that is very expensive (at night it is hard to go out for walk or coffee etc.) Maybe i can go stay over at his parents. Sometimes I just want to murder that xbox.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> All this over a tv remote?
> 
> Really? Wow.
> 
> ...


See now this is a good solution that defuses the tv fight. keep one tv in the living room and one in the bedroom.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> But it is at 11pm at night so I cannot go out for a coffee. He has gone out with friends for drinks and come home drunk after a fight so I refuse to go drinking if somebody suggests that. BUT If he continues to do this, i will go buy a new tv. Regarding xbox, if he doesnt stop playing games loudly after a big fight I dont want to keep going to a hotel cause that is very expensive (at night it is hard to go out for walk or coffee etc.) Maybe i can go stay over at his parents. Sometimes I just want to murder that xbox.


You know the more you keep posting out this I'm getting to the point of wanting to just say leave him. 

No one needs to live in a situation where they are being abused and have to keep trying to guess how to act to keep their spouse from being a loud, abusive jackass.

He will keep this up. He's an abuser and few of them ever learn to change.

Please just leave. Just move out.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

When disagreements get to the point you're covering your ears from the shouting and ready to call 911, I'd have to pull the plug on the relationship.

I've taught my children there's two times you ever call the police. 1. When somebody is hurt and 2. When somebody is about to get hurt.

If things have escalated to even thinking about calling 911, that will be the day it's over.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> So regarding the issue of taking the higher ground and not letting him be able to point fingers at me if we get into a fight, what should I do if he snaps loudly at me in public if something I do unknowingly bothers him (let’s say he did this regardless of me snapping at him in the restaurant). Here is what I think I should do. I ignore him at the moment, calmly later on tell him what he did I felt was unnecessary, disruptive to our relationship and disrespectful to me. I would like him to work on that in the future. IF he says well, the way you were ‘i.e. dunno lets say ‘rolling your eyes’ I felt was unnecessary and disrespectful to me, should I just say…’Ok I understand that you felt that way but that was not my intention. But in the future I would appreciate it if you could let me know that offended you after we get home.’ Is this good??
> The problem with my spouse is I may make a mistake that is small (my opinion such as eye rolling) then re reacts with a big one (snapping loudly in front of his family or friends)…so I say babe I know I made a mistake but your reaction was ‘crossing the line’ – he hates that word cause he thinks in his warped mind eye rolling and yelling is the same thing. I pushed him there. You see where I am going with this.


I wouldn’t do it that way. I would respond immediately with something calm like this, “It’s okay. Just tell me what is bothering you and I will listen. You don’t need to get angry at me.”
I find that when dealing with people who are high stress, as your husband obviously is, that they need to be reassured. When you start off by reassuring them, it helps them to hear that it’s okay and you are listening.
If you were to shut up when he snapped at you, that would be like a reward. He would use it in the future to shut you up.



peaceandhappiness said:


> Thank you all for the advice first off. This has really helped me. I wanted to ask, when he came home last night from the gym, I went up to him and said babe can we talk, and he was already all defensive and righteous from the get go but anyways I said I did this wrong, I should not have, I will work on that in the future but can you work on not doing this as I felt this was crossing the line. Then he just shuts me up saying there you go again pointing fingers, if you don’t snap I wont yell. etc. So I say fine I don’t know why I tried. I go watch tv that I was watching. He says you call that trying! All you are doing is pointing fingers. Comes after me and snatched the remote to watch what he wants. After fights he is stronger than me so he often just snatches the remote and watches what he wants. If I am in a sour mood I used to snatch back and it would accelerate but yesterday I just said fine hog the tv and walked off. He then followed me and started to talk to me.
> HE TALKS ALL OVER ME. HE DOESNT LET ME EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS. HE IS VERY INTIMIDATING.


What happened here is that you apologized, but it looked like you had an ulterior motive and that your apology was not really sincere, then you went after him. When someone apologizes for something, that should be it. There should be no other agenda, like trying to talk to him about his issues. His issues should be brought up when they are happening, not later. When you do bring them up, it should be done calmly and without accusation. From what you have said, it sounds like he feels you are constantly on his case. I don’t know if this is true or not, but that he is acting like that’s how he feels.
This sounds like the kind of fights that kids have. He is using his masculine power against you. That is not what masculine power is for, but that’s another subject. Trying to get the remote back from him is pointless. By this time, you had started the argument by giving him what surely appeared to him to be a false apology in order to go after him. Whether or not that is what you were doing, that is what he was responding to and he told you that. His response was completely unnecessary, but if you then start fighting him for the remote back, you have now answered his move by escalating it. I’m not saying what he did was right. What he did was wrong. But to engage him only makes matters worse. It would have been much better to leave him alone. He needs to be able to calm down. If you want things to get better, you take the high road and learn how to behave in a healthy way. This does not happen overnight. It will take time.
When he wants to talk to you, let him talk. You don’t have to defend yourself. You can say things like, “I understand,” “okay, I see how you feel,” “we can work through this,” “things can get better if we work together.” Things like that calm and reassure him. Both of you feel like you are under assault. That has to stop somewhere.




peaceandhappiness said:


> You see he really wanted to make up because it is torture to him to have this silence cold shoulders thing. Then the fight happened more and eventually he started playing video games and went to bed again. In between this I did some things I should not have 1. I said don’t touch me and you are aggressive, he got very hurt and defensive over this. I also said to him the way he reacts disgusts me and he got very angry over this. 2. He said I was deliberately yelling don't touch me to let the neignbors hear and call the police. 3. He thinks I try to portray him as being abusive when he has told me many times not to put my hands on my ears and I don’t listen and act like a child.


Again try to see this from his perspective. He is telling you how he feels. He is trying to get you to listen to him and you are trying to get him to listen to you. If you want someone to listen to you, you have to be willing to listen first and sometimes this may be for a while when things have gotten to such a high degree of dysfunction. You may have to learn to be quiet and deal with your own issues for a while and just listen to him and reassure him when he is upset. I think the physical stuff will stop when you learn to do that.
I think if you stop engaging him, things will calm down. It might be better not to give him a letter at this time. I think a letter may escalate things. First you can get yourself under control. It sounds like he is mostly responding to you, not like he is the initiator. This doesn’t mean the way he is treating you is your fault, because it’s not. He should not respond that way to you. However, you are provoking him. I understand that he is provoking you too, but you can learn how to not take the bait.



peaceandhappiness said:


> One problem I have is if I give that letter and say I will not tolerate him being violent and call 911 he will be super pissed off more and the relationship fixing will take aback turn, believe me. He will just think i am trying to make myself the victim more here by putting up this letter.


I recommend that you hold off on the letter, but you write it, so you can see what your personal boundaries are and learn to walk in them. First you need to hold those boundaries and not start fights with your husband.
Can you afford a pair of noise cancelling headphones, as was suggested earlier? If so, I recommend that you go out and get a pair immediately. When your husband is playing his video games loudly, do not make a big deal out of it, just say, “Babe, can you please wear your headphones?” If he doesn’t, do not pester him further. Go to your room and put your headphones on or leave for a walk or a cup of tea or something uplifting, if it’s during the day. If you have to go stay at your in-laws, then go.
Do not tell him again that you are trying. Just begin to work on establishing healthy boundaries of your own and treating him respectfully without letting him walk all over you. But you don’t have to get angry back. Just be calm in how you speak to him and never accuse him or call him names. If you feel like you are going to escalate, say, “I feel like I’m going to escalate, so I’ve got to leave,” then go. Leave the room, or if you have to, leave the apartment, but get out of there and calm yourself down. Do not spend the time out with negative self-talk. Use the time to calm yourself, even if you have to go sit in your car or drive around the block a few times.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

I gave him the letter. Except I tweeked one thing. I said if he continues to impose on me when I need space, is aggressive I will have to seek help. (I did not say police..)

He didnt get angry. He kind of didnt really care about it. I mean no positive response or negative. So this is slightly good cause I was expecting him to be really pissed.

When I came home, he was ...you guessed it...playing video games. So I asked him to wear headphones politely and he said ok after this game with a little 'if I have to..' sigh. If he was pissed off he would have shown more attitude.

Thank you all because you all saved me from my misery of being in a bad mood.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Also the video game noise and his disrespect towards me really used to give me tension and stress (I know it is only video games but I felt so helpless like I cannot even relax in my house apartment).

Anyways I will from now on do this:
'Babe I realise we are angry at each other right now, but we are coexisting in the same apartment, and I would like you to please put on your headphones.' If he doesn't I will take all my stuff and tell him right before I leave, I asked you politely and you are acting like a bratty child, I cannot function with this noise, I am leaving to stay in a hotel'. If he stops me, I will not fight and just let him continue to play.

If he does it in a next argument again, I will not tell him, I will just leave and send him a text message.

If he does it again, I will go to his parents.

If he does it again, I will leave him and go to my parents (another state.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Okay, this is a good start. What other things are you going to implement to keep yourself feeling calm and not engaging in argument? In other words, what has stood out to you in this thread as being some things you can do to turn things around on your end?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

We cross posted. I think telling him that he`s being bratty is going to push his buttons. It is talking down to him and should be avoided.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> We cross posted. I think telling him that he`s being bratty is going to push his buttons. It is talking down to him and should be avoided.


:iagree: Yep.. leave out the bratty. Just say that you ask politely asked him to do something reasonable. The noise I hard to handle so you are leaving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Also the video game noise and his disrespect towards me really used to give me tension and stress (I know it is only video games but I felt so helpless like I cannot even relax in my house apartment).


I agree with you on this. The noise from video games can be very hard to take to a person who is not playing the game.

My ex was a huge gamer. We shared an office/family room. I would get a headache every night as when he played. I bought him a very good headset because I could not stand the noise. It felt like my head was being pounded on.

At first he would not wear the headset. So I finally told him to just move out if he would use the headset. It was his choice. After that he started to use them. 



peaceandhappiness said:


> Anyways I will from now on do this:
> 'Babe I realise we are angry at each other right now, but we are coexisting in the same apartment, and I would like you to please put on your headphones.' If he doesn't I will take all my stuff and tell him right before I leave, I asked you politely (*remove these words: and you are acting like a bratty child*), I cannot function with this noise, I am leaving to stay in a hotel'. If he stops me, I will not fight and just let him continue to play.
> 
> If he does it in a next argument again, I will not tell him, I will just leave and send him a text message.
> ...


good set of steps that escalate appropriately.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I'd like you to use the word "literally" in a sentence and then write down it's meaning 10x.
> 
> You're going to thank me for this.


lenzi, you totally cracked me up :lol:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

peaceandhappiness said:


> So regarding the issue of taking the higher ground and not letting him be able to point fingers at me if we get into a fight, what should I do if he snaps loudly at me in public if something I do unknowingly bothers him (let’s say he did this regardless of me snapping at him in the restaurant). Here is what I think I should do. I ignore him at the moment, calmly later on tell him what he did I felt was unnecessary, disruptive to our relationship and disrespectful to me. I would like him to work on that in the future. IF he says well, the way you were ‘i.e. dunno lets say ‘rolling your eyes’ I felt was unnecessary and disrespectful to me, should I just say…’Ok I understand that you felt that way but that was not my intention. But in the future I would appreciate it if you could let me know that offended you after we get home.’ Is this good??
> The problem with my spouse is I may make a mistake that is small (my opinion such as eye rolling) then re reacts with a big one (snapping loudly in front of his family or friends)…so I say babe I know I made a mistake but your reaction was ‘crossing the line’ – he hates that word cause he thinks in his warped mind eye rolling and yelling is the same thing. I pushed him there. You see where I am going with this.


I see that you are both very sensitive to criticism from each other. That's probably fairly normal, but can get difficult when you don't know how to cope when it escalates. You can apply techniques taught to parents when dealing with children. It would apply to an adult who hasn't yet learned effective methods of dealing with their emotions. One thing is not giving eye contact when he gets aggressive, do not open your body by putting your palms up, do not touch him, be more like a cat and keep your palms down. Think of the palms up and the touching to be more like a puppy, do not do that. Instead of raising your voice, lower it. If he yells at you in public, show your displeasure by telling him not to talk to you that way, no eye contact, low voice, palms down. If he continues, tell him you will are leaving to get some space, you will be back in 10min, don't follow you.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Yes, we are both immature and hotheaded. He is not as sensitive as me though but very self assured and arrogant. I am less confident and do not always know when to speak/how to bring him to his place when he gets too much. He is much more clever at that. 

Recently, I have started doing some self meditation and yoga classes.  This has really helped me clear my mind and relax. 

I have a tendency to feel a high level of stress over small things. One thing I used to feel a lot more but still do to some extent is how unfair it is that he seems to get what he wants. One small example, after a fight, he comes home and hogs the TV (for games or just watching something) as I take a shower after the gym and he doesn't. In the weekends if we are not talking to each other after a fight and come home together, I have to change and wash my face etc. he is a guy so just sits in front of the TV and plays games. Very small and stupid things like this made me angry at him. Almost like I wanted him to also feel inconvenience. I did not want to pester him and say I also want to watch TV (felt very naggy) so would just spend time on my computer. Now I use that time to meditate or read a book.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> One small example, after a fight, he comes home and hogs the TV (for games or just watching something) as I take a shower after the gym and he doesn't. In the weekends if we are not talking to each other after a fight and come home together, I have to change and wash my face etc. he is a guy so just sits in front of the TV and plays games. Very small and stupid things like this made me angry at him. Almost like I wanted him to also feel inconvenience. I did not want to pester him and say I also want to watch TV (felt very naggy) so would just spend time on my computer. Now I use that time to meditate or read a book.



Why does it make you angry? I don't understand. Is it inconvenient to take a shower after a workout? Or do you want him to feel what you feel?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> What happened here is that you apologized, but it looked like you had an ulterior motive and that your apology was not really sincere, then you went after him. When someone apologizes for something, that should be it. There should be no other agenda, like trying to talk to him about his issues. His issues should be brought up when they are happening, not later. When you do bring them up, it should be done calmly and without accusation. From what you have said, it sounds like he feels you are constantly on his case. I don’t know if this is true or not, but that he is acting like that’s how he feels.


This is a very good point. Nothing worse than "I'm sorry, BUT..."

That's not a real apology, it's a formality -- "I'm getting my insincere 'sorry' out of the way so I can avoid your problems with me and move on to my problems with you."


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> Why does it make you angry? I don't understand. Is it inconvenient to take a shower after a workout? Or do you want him to feel what you feel?


No it is inconvenient for me because I am in the shower and so he hogs the tv or plays games and after a fight the last thing i want to do is say I also want the tv and seem naggy when we are not talking.


Also, out of nowhere he bombs me today with 'your disgusting, ******* husband this, your disgusting ******* husband that..'...bla bla...when we were not even talking. Apparently he is angry cause i said to him 'you disgust me' but that was out of anger when he was physcially aggressive towards me?! He is still holding a grudge and acting all rude to me. I don't care. When I said previous to that you have also said this this to me in other fights, he said oh but at least i apologized...So i said fine, Im sorry. If he doesnt talk to me again tonight, I don't care. I already said sorry to him. Whatever...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> No it is inconvenient for me because I am in the shower and so he hogs the tv or plays games and after a fight the last thing i want to do is say I also want the tv and seem naggy when we are not talking.
> 
> 
> Also, out of nowhere he bombs me today with 'your disgusting, ******* husband this, your disgusting ******* husband that..'...bla bla...when we were not even talking. Apparently he is angry cause i said to him 'you disgust me' but that was out of anger when he was physcially aggressive towards me?! He is still holding a grudge and acting all rude to me. I don't care. When I said previous to that you have also said this this to me in other fights, he said oh but at least i apologized...So i said fine, Im sorry. If he doesnt talk to me again tonight, I don't care. I already said sorry to him. Whatever...


It doesn't sound like you really are sorry. Why did you apologize if you aren't sorry?
You two seem to be constantly hurting each other's feelings.
Here is an article I wrote that you might find helpful. It is really important to balance boundaries out. You have boundaries to protect yourself, but it is good to have boundaries where you build your spouse in the things he is doing right. Check this article out and tell me what you think. Encourage Him in Doing Good Things | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> It doesn't sound like you really are sorry. Why did you apologize if you aren't sorry?
> You two seem to be constantly hurting each other's feelings.
> Here is an article I wrote that you might find helpful. It is really important to balance boundaries out. You have boundaries to protect yourself, but it is good to have boundaries where you build your spouse in the things he is doing right. Check this article out and tell me what you think. Encourage Him in Doing Good Things | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


Thanks so much for this article! I must admit I do not do this too often because we have a lot of negative energy with all out bickering and fights. I will start using this more.
But today all I did was call him and say babe our car tire mechanic guy said this, where is the valve in the car cause he cant find it. And then he says oh I guess its ok to talk to your disgusting ******* husband when you need something! I even said please dont be rude to me I dont think I said anything to desrve that. It is disruptive. And he says well Im not the one who called me disgusting etc. So I said well you have also said this this to me in prvious fights. Then he says well at least I apologized so I said I dont remember you apologizing but yes, I said that out of anger, Im sorry, I didnt mean it. So I dont see why I should talk to him tonight. We didnt talk yesterday either...


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> No it is inconvenient for me because I am in the shower and so he hogs the tv or plays games and after a fight the last thing i want to do is say I also want the tv and seem naggy when we are not talking. [\QUOTE]
> 
> 
> You sound immature. Actually you're both immature. Are you trying to get back at him? Don't you have a laptop? What you're saying (TV) is beyond petty. You need marriage counseling to stay married otherwise you'll divorce in a few years because you both don't know how to deal with conflicts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Thanks so much for this article! I must admit I do not do this too often because we have a lot of negative energy with all out bickering and fights. I will start using this more.
> But today all I did was call him and say babe our car tire mechanic guy said this, where is the valve in the car cause he cant find it. And then he says oh I guess its ok to talk to your disgusting ******* husband when you need something! I even said please dont be rude to me I dont think I said anything to desrve that. It is disruptive. And he says well Im not the one who called me disgusting etc. So I said well you have also said this this to me in prvious fights. Then he says well at least I apologized so I said I dont remember you apologizing but yes, I said that out of anger, Im sorry, I didnt mean it. So I dont see why I should talk to him tonight. We didnt talk yesterday either...


Rule #1 in marriage arguments/fighting: NEVER, EVER call your spouse a name, call them disgusting, etc. Stop that. Don't do it.

Things like that cannot be unsaid. You cannot take it back. Only time can heal that kind of verbal garbage.

Even if he calls you an name, do not call him one. Be a better person than that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

spinsterdurga said:


> peaceandhappiness said:
> 
> 
> > No it is inconvenient for me because I am in the shower and so he hogs the tv or plays games and after a fight the last thing i want to do is say I also want the tv and seem naggy when we are not talking.
> ...


What I am getting out of the gym/shower/tv thing is this.

They live in a very small apartment. IT sounds like living room, place for a table, kitchen and one bedroom . They have one TV.

When he's home he hogs the TV and watches only things that he likes. Or he plays xbox on it. So she does not get anytime to see shows she likes.

If he comes home and she's watching a show on TV, he grabs the remote out of her hand and changes the channel to watch what he wants to watch.. without even asking her if it's ok.

They also do not seem to compromise to find shows that they can watch together. It's all what he wants to do. 

Plus he has the volume up so high on the TV/xbox that it is hard to put up with. Since it's a small place she cannot even go to the bedroom and get away from the sound.


peaceandhappiness can correct me if I'm wrong.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What I am getting out of the gym/shower/tv thing is this.
> 
> They live in a very small apartment. IT sounds like living room, place for a table, kitchen and one bedroom . They have one TV.
> 
> ...


We do share tv shows together and its fun when we are not fighting. All the tensions for me arise when we are and he hogs the tv and remote or plays video games (I dont mind the TV noise but the video games bug me a lot). The reason I bring this issue up is because we fight a lot these days and the tv living room area is the only form of relaxation as the apartment is really small. What I feel is unfair is after a fight he comes home and sits in front of the tv, so I dont get it first. I know that sounds childish so I guess next time I will just politely ask him to share it with me...

Tonight he said the letter was me pointing fingers at him. I did not address anything I did wrong during the fight. I only dictate to him what I wont tolerate and he was pretty pissed off about the you disgust me part.... Anyways, I said well you also put your hands on me and he was very much like, ' you put your hands on your ears and I was just pulling the off, you act like I was hurting you, did it hurt you? and I said 'no but you aggressively yanked it off' so he was like then it wasnt violence. He was also pretty pissed off about the part where I said if we cannot fix this then I dont see how we can stay together part. He said, oh its that easy for you huh. AND HE ADDED, alright then next time if you put your hands on your ears then I will leave the house and wont tell you where i am going! I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS. Last fight we had he had wanted to make up and been apologetic and I didn't so the next day he went to work all stressed cause I didnt make up and he was pissed off because of that. I came home after the gym and he says I am going out tonight. He goes and I am super pissed off cause I thought we would make up (I had enough time to forgive him for what he did) and he threw that bomb at me. So I text him while he is out saying how bad of a person he is leaving me alone in the house etc. and he comes home drunk at 2! I dont know how to make him stop this. Him going drinking and coming home drunk has only happened like 3 times in our relationship and he knows how much I hate it! When he leaves without at least telling me where he is going (like out for drinks or whatever) happened only once in our relationship. NOW HE IS THREATENTING ME IF I PUT MY HANDS ON MY EARS HE WILL DO THIS! Like those two things are the same thing. Like putting your hands in your ears is like leaving and not telling me where is going, or leaving for drinks with friends and coming home drunk! IF he does either of these two things, I AM LEAVING HIM. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE THIS BEHAVIOR. I HOPE HE UNDERSTANDS. IN FACT HE DOES BUT USES IT AGAINST ME. Actually from now on I am going to just NOT care. That way it will be INEFFECTIVE for him. Yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> We do share tv shows together and its fun when we are not fighting. All the tensions for me arise when we are and he hogs the tv and remote or plays video games (I dont mind the TV noise but the video games bug me a lot). The reason I bring this issue up is because we fight a lot these days and the tv living room area is the only form of relaxation as the apartment is really small. What I feel is unfair is after a fight he comes home and sits in front of the tv, so I dont get it first. I know that sounds childish so I guess next time I will just politely ask him to share it with me...
> 
> Tonight he said the letter was me pointing fingers at him. I did not address anything I did wrong during the fight. I only dictate to him what I wont tolerate and he was pretty pissed off about the you disgust me part.... Anyways, I said well you also put your hands on me and he was very much like, ' you put your hands on your ears and I was just pulling the off, you act like I was hurting you, did it hurt you? and I said 'no but you aggressively yanked it off' so he was like then it wasnt violence. He was also pretty pissed off about the part where I said if we cannot fix this then I dont see how we can stay together part. He said, oh its that easy for you huh. AND HE ADDED, alright then next time if you put your hands on your ears then I will leave the house and wont tell you where i am going! I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS. Last fight we had he had wanted to make up and been apologetic and I didn't so the next day he went to work all stressed cause I didnt make up and he was pissed off because of that. I came home after the gym and he says I am going out tonight. He goes and I am super pissed off cause I thought we would make up (I had enough time to forgive him for what he did) and he threw that bomb at me. So I text him while he is out saying how bad of a person he is leaving me alone in the house etc. and he comes home drunk at 2! I dont know how to make him stop this. Him going drinking and coming home drunk has only happened like 3 times in our relationship and he knows how much I hate it! When he leaves without at least telling me where he is going (like out for drinks or whatever) happened only once in our relationship. NOW HE IS THREATENTING ME IF I PUT MY HANDS ON MY EARS HE WILL DO THIS! Like those two things are the same thing. Like putting your hands in your ears is like leaving and not telling me where is going, or leaving for drinks with friends and coming home drunk! IF he does either of these two things, I AM LEAVING HIM. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE THIS BEHAVIOR. I HOPE HE UNDERSTANDS. IN FACT HE DOES BUT USES IT AGAINST ME. Actually from now on I am going to just NOT care. That way it will be INEFFECTIVE for him. Yes


Why do you want to stay in this marriage? This is down right ridiculous. I'm looking for a serious question.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

STOP!

You just HAVE TO STOP!

You are running in circles! All the blaming and name calling and "you did this so I'm going to do that". It will NEVER end unless you just STOP. STOP holding a grudge, STOP bringing it up, STOP thinking about it.

I realise he is doing the same thing; holding onto a lot of hurt over the name calling. Yes he yanked your hands off your ears, but you also did something despicable. Spitting out a sorry as if you were spitting venom at him is just insulting. If you can't do it with heartfelt remorse, don't do it at all.

If you have any chance at making a go of this you have to stop holding onto grudges like they are your greatest love. There is no room for anyone else beside a grudge.

Ignore the crap he is spitting out. If you feed it, it will grow bigger. Don't discuss it anymore. If he doesn't answer a question you ask, just move on. Eg. You: "the mechanic needs to know....", him, "blah blah, crap about disgusting husband", You, "nevermind then"

Simple, don't feed it, don't throw out fake apologies. Ignore it. Eventually he'll realise he's not getting the rise out of you he wants and he'll let it go.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Tonight he said the letter was me pointing fingers at him. I did not address anything I did wrong during the fight. I only dictate to him what I wont tolerate and he was pretty pissed off about the you disgust me part.... Anyways, I said well you also put your hands on me and he was very much like, ' you put your hands on your ears and I was just pulling the off, you act like I was hurting you, did it hurt you? and I said 'no but you aggressively yanked it off' so he was like then it wasnt violence.



Hon, you're scaring the crap out of me. You need to end this. Now. I mean right now. He doesn't understand he has NO RIGHT EVER TO PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU. And you want to argue with him. 

STOP.

NOW.

This can escalate in a matter of seconds. I'm not going to quote domestic violence figures at you. I'll just point out, this is how it all starts. He does a small act of violence, you resist, he retreats but comes at you in a different way. And you stand around and ARGUE.

Face the facts here. This isn't WORKING. In the past three days of you posting here, it's gotten WORSE.

Do me a favor.... It's a holiday weekend. Pack a bag and go to your parents. Don't tell him until you get there. Show your mom these posts. Tell her this is YOUR LIFE. Talk it out with her, decide whether or not to go back.

I don't even know you and I want you safe.

Please....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

peaceandhappiness said:


> We do share tv shows together and its fun when we are not fighting. All the tensions for me arise when we are and he hogs the tv and remote or plays video games (I dont mind the TV noise but the video games bug me a lot). The reason I bring this issue up is because we fight a lot these days and the tv living room area is the only form of relaxation as the apartment is really small. What I feel is unfair is after a fight he comes home and sits in front of the tv, so I dont get it first. I know that sounds childish so I guess next time I will just politely ask him to share it with me...


Based on what you have told us about him, if he is angry with you, he is not going to share anything with you. He thinks he is in the right and you are the problem. In order to resolve this situation, you have to learn to calm down and you need to see things realistically.
It is not true that the only place in the apartment to relax is the living room. I live in a fairly good sized house, but when I want to have peace and quiet go into my room, shut the door and sit on my bed with my computer or a book, because we have 7 people living in this house and it can get pretty lively. We have one T.V. in the family room. The living room has no T.V. We do not fight over the T.V. People get along.
You knew your husband played video games when you married him and now you are upset over the video games. It is what it is. At this point in your relationship, that is his only escape. As you learn to build your husband and your marriage in a positive way, this should resolve naturally. Right now it is much better for you to let it go. Either buy another T.V. and put it in your room or read a book or read on the computer.
What do you do for a living? Had you thought about taking some classes? If you began to take some evening classes, it might be a good thing on many levels.


peaceandhappiness said:


> Tonight he said the letter was me pointing fingers at him. I did not address anything I did wrong during the fight. I only dictate to him what I wont tolerate and he was pretty pissed off about the you disgust me part.... Anyways, I said well you also put your hands on me and he was very much like, ' you put your hands on your ears and I was just pulling the off, you act like I was hurting you, did it hurt you? and I said 'no but you aggressively yanked it off' so he was like then it wasnt violence.


The letter was pointing fingers at him. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You can tell him that it was about one topic, but if he wants to discuss what he is upset about, he can write his own letter. He is free to do that and you will listen to him. But if he does it, you will have to follow through and listen and not get into a fight over it. If you can dish it out, you have to be able to take it.
Have you sincerely told him that you are sorry for saying, “You disgust me”? I think that would be a good start. Then just leave it at that. No explanations or further discussion. If he wants to discuss it further, listen to him, but do not add anything.
All of this takes a lot of self-control, which is something that both of you have shown a lack of. Self-control is of vital importance to a healthy life. This is something you can learn. It is hard, but it is very worth it.
If you do not resolve the issues in your own life, you will take all of this with you into any relationship you have. This is something you can take ownership of and learn to calm down, not take offense so easily, and develop a strong sense of self-control. The only way the issues in this relationship are going to be solved is if you go first. 
Calm down
Stop taking offense so easily
Stop insulting your husband
Leave him alone when he is angry
Develop a strong sense of self-control, including your emotions
Stop getting sucked into arguments
Start looking at what your personal issues are and begin to work on them


peaceandhappiness said:


> He was also pretty pissed off about the part where I said if we cannot fix this then I dont see how we can stay together part. He said, oh its that easy for you huh. AND HE ADDED, alright then next time if you put your hands on your ears then I will leave the house and wont tell you where i am going! I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS.


When he is angry, being angry back makes it worse. Learn to listen to him and to remain calm. When he is done speaking, tell him that you will try not to put your hands over your ears. You will put out your hand and say stop and leave, so things won’t escalate. You both hate what the other person is doing, because neither of you is behaving in a loving or reasonable manner towards the other person.


peaceandhappiness said:


> Last fight we had he had wanted to make up and been apologetic and I didn't so the next day he went to work all stressed cause I didnt make up and he was pissed off because of that. I came home after the gym and he says I am going out tonight. He goes and I am super pissed off cause I thought we would make up (I had enough time to forgive him for what he did) and he threw that bomb at me. So I text him while he is out saying how bad of a person he is leaving me alone in the house etc. and he comes home drunk at 2!


He came home wanting to make up. You did not want to make up.
He got more angry because you did not want to make up.
The next day, you came home wanting to make up, but he did not want to make up.
Now you are angry because he did not want to make up.
Because you are angry and you think you are justified, you tell him he is a bad person, because he had to get out of there. Do you see how ridiculous that is? Do you see how you escalated the situation? If you had texted him something encouraging, rather than attacking him, he probably would have come home rather than gotten drunk. Then you were even more angry, because he responded badly to you attacking his character.
Do you see that you are both doing the exact same thing? Do you see how you are making things much worse?
Neither of you are listening to or caring about how the other person feels or what they think. Both of you are doing this constantly. The only person you can stop is yourself. Get out of the cycle by stopping your angry, insulting, demanding attitudes and behaviors. This is never going to stop unless one of you leaves or you stop doing this and start acting like an adult. This is not adult behavior. This is the kind of thing that is normally reserved for small children who have not learned self-control.


peaceandhappiness said:


> I dont know how to make him stop this.


See above. You cannot stop him by pressing all of his buttons and trying to make him do anything. You have to start treating him like someone you love and care about rather than treating him like a disgusting, bad person who you don’t think deserves to be treated with love or respect.


peaceandhappiness said:


> Him going drinking and coming home drunk has only happened like 3 times in our relationship and he knows how much I hate it! When he leaves without at least telling me where he is going (like out for drinks or whatever) happened only once in our relationship. NOW HE IS THREATENTING ME IF I PUT MY HANDS ON MY EARS HE WILL DO THIS! Like those two things are the same thing. Like putting your hands in your ears is like leaving and not telling me where is going, or leaving for drinks with friends and coming home drunk!


It is kind of the same thing. He is doing something you hate, just like you are doing something he hates when you cover your ears. He is shutting you out by leaving and not telling you were he is going, just like you shut him out by covering your ears and not listening to him. He is trying to control you, like you are trying to control him. Either you stop or it will get worse.
Do not bring up the letter again. If he brings it up, tell him that you were only covering your concerns, but you understand he has concerns as well and you will try to calm down and be more reasonable.



peaceandhappiness said:


> IF he does either of these two things, I AM LEAVING HIM. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE THIS BEHAVIOR. I HOPE HE UNDERSTANDS. IN FACT HE DOES BUT USES IT AGAINST ME. Actually from now on I am going to just NOT care. That way it will be INEFFECTIVE for him. Yes


He will not understand. There is currently no understanding in your relationship. You use things against him and he uses things against you. Marriage is not supposed to be a war.
Let go of your anger. Let go of wanting to control your husband’s behavior and focus on controlling your own behavior and calming down.
Start by doing things that bring you calm and peace and help you focus on positive things. Learn to nurture yourself and care for your well-being without the T.V. Let go of the T.V. for now. You do not need the T.V. to be happy. Learn something new. Engage in some sort of hobby. Do something positive and think about positive things. Do not get sucked into arguments with your husband. Forgive him for hurting you. Start fresh in your mind and learn how to deal with him in a more positive way.
If you think you are in danger leave. Some of the posters think you should leave now and they could be right, but if you aren’t going to leave, then please take into account what I have said above.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think the answer to your issues can be summed up with one concept.
You can only control yourself.
When you have yourself under control and you have good boundaries, people will respond to you based on that.
You want us to tell you how to get your husband to treat you better, but you cannot make him do anything. You can only make yourself do things. Once you get that clear in your mind, it will free you. You will realize that you can make a difference simply by working on your own life and establishing healthy boundaries. When you treat others as you want to be treated, they usually will respond favorably. If you set out to do this, it will take time to change the dynamic of your marriage. It has to be a real change within you and not simply to try to get a certain response out of your husband. It has to be because you know that these changes are better for you as a person.
Just think of how much better your life will be if you learn to calm down and not take offense easily? You will feel better all the time. You will not hang out where there is negativity. You will find a spot where you can be at peace, doing something that bring you joy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I felt like I was reading about siblings fighting at home.

I have no advice other than to read it to yourself again...is this a marriage or what?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

that_girl said:


> I felt like I was reading about siblings fighting at home.
> 
> I have no advice other than to read it to yourself again...is this a marriage or what?


Siblings in a dysfunctional home. I have three children and they have never acted like that, because they were taught how to work through their problems with lovingkindness and forgiveness. If I can teach it to my kids, grown adults should be able to catch on more quickly, which is why I have hope for this couple.


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## peaceandhappiness (Jun 30, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it and have learned a lot.

Regarding our bedroom, the apartment is so small (the bedroom is like a box, only the bed fits in and nothing else!) and there is no sunlight we get in the room. Actually not much in the apartment itself. So the living area is the only relax area. I dont have a problem with going anywhere else with a book or laptop, the problem is with the noise (tv I can handle but not games). 

Regarding the current situation, we made up cause I went to him in the morning and said 'why are you so stubborn, lets make up and talked to him'. He said he was hurt about the comment I gave him (fyi there have been plenty of mean things he has said to me) but I apologized - what to do - to move on.

He also said he feels it is his right to leave the house if 
1. there is any cold shoulders, quiet no talk going on for days. ( But he also doesnt talk to me so I feel this is unfair as it isnt like he is trying to talk and I am not). But its okay I will try to be the bigger person and go to him.
2. If I do not make up after a fight immediately if he apologizes and I hold a grudge meaning not even a night to sleep it off if he does something really mean. Fine, I will make up immediately from now on for him.
3. If I am too stubborn to see things from his perspective (i.e. if he says he didnt yell in front of the family and had the right to, or if he says he did not man handle me when i feel he did, I have to agree to disagree and not try to win the argument and say what he did was too much and crossing the line). In this point I think if I never get angry when he is escalating and difuse it by remaining calm and if i never walk off, he will not be able to manhandle me to make me listen, so I guess it is also up to me to puppet his behavior.
4. I do not walk off to another room when we are arguing and he is trying to put his point across no matter how much I disagree and feel overwhelmed. 

So basically he wants me to be more calm, composed, forgiving to his mistakes and let it go even when he is trying to be righteous and not admit to his mistakes. Also to give him space and not pester him when he wants to go out without me after a fight.

I will try doing all these things and see what he does. I know if I improve he will, but I am human and if i do make mistakes once in a while, I dont know how to handle him leaving the house. That feeling really screws me up inside because he makes last minute plans and I don't think it is healthy to do this to your wife who is not going to go drink alcohol at 9pm just because we got into a fight. I feel there are other ways to get space, (a drive, movie, coffee, walk or even go for an hour to drink a beer and come home!) BUT he disagrees. I feel abandoned, alone, bored, uncared for, and I feel pity on myself and feel anger and hatred towards his insensitivity, callousness and selfishness. I also miss my family. I need to deal with being okay with this.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

My ex used to not react to anything negative going on with us at the time, which always confused and annoyed me, but then he would get his revenge by humiliating me in front of other people, especially family. Maybe this is your husbands tactic, rather than dealing with hot spots in your marriage directly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

peaceandhappiness said:


> Regarding our bedroom, the apartment is so small (the bedroom is like a box, only the bed fits in and nothing else!) and there is no sunlight we get in the room. Actually not much in the apartment itself. So the living area is the only relax area. I dont have a problem with going anywhere else with a book or laptop, the problem is with the noise (tv I can handle but not games).


What did he say about using the headset?


peaceandhappiness said:


> Regarding the current situation, we made up cause I went to him in the morning and said 'why are you so stubborn, lets make up and talked to him'. He said he was hurt about the comment I gave him (fyi there have been plenty of mean things he has said to me) but I apologized - what to do - to move on.
> 
> He also said he feels it is his right to leave the house if


Ok so he gave you some things he needs from you. You will need to negotiate with him on this. 

The first thing I notice is that his only solution is that he will leave (and to party with friends) if you do anything that he is not happy with. This is unacceptable. It’s highly likely that in the future, when he wants to go out with friends, he’ll just escalate, get angry and go out and his list gives him justification.

So, perhaps, negotiate that neither of you can go out nor do things for hours, especially not with friends. This is not about an excuse to party. It’s about taking short break to calm down and think things through. So the break to calm down is 30 minutes to an hour. That’s it.



peaceandhappiness said:


> 1. there is any cold shoulders, quiet no talk going on for days. ( But he also doesnt talk to me so I feel this is unfair as it isnt like he is trying to talk and I am not). But its okay I will try to be the bigger person and go to him.


Cold shoulders and silent treatment are a form of emotional abuse. So this is good… neither of you can do this. A good rule is not never go to bed upset with each other. If there is a very big problem that cannot solved at night, then at least agree to put the topic aside for the night. You should both affirm your love to each other.


peaceandhappiness said:


> 2. If I do not make up after a fight immediately if he apologizes and I hold a grudge meaning not even a night to sleep it off if he does something really mean. Fine, I will make up immediately from now on for him.


This is mostly good. For most things neither of you should not go to bed angry. 
But there are situations where this is not a good thing to do. In the case of really bad things that are very bad this will not be doable. For example if he starts pushing you around, hits you, etc. then there is no reason for you to make up. You need to get out of the apartment and to a safe place. This is a deal breaker. This is a reason to end your marriage .

If he will not honor the “STOP” safe word and will not allow you 30minutes to an hour to calm down… you need to have that break before you can makeup. 


peaceandhappiness said:


> 3. If I am too stubborn to see things from his perspective (i.e. if he says he didnt yell in front of the family and had the right to, or if he says he did not man handle me when i feel he did, I have to agree to disagree and not try to win the argument and say what he did was too much and crossing the line). In this point I think if I never get angry when he is escalating and difuse it by remaining calm and if i never walk off, he will not be able to manhandle me to make me listen, so I guess it is also up to me to puppet his behavior.


You need to learn how to be an active listener. There are videos on youtube. Watch some. Go to counseling to learn as well.
If he says that he did not yell, then you can listen to him tell you that. But he also has the same obligation to listen you and accept your take on what happened. 

It is not ok for either of you to yell at the other in front of others. You both need to learn this. 
If he put his hands on you, he man handled you. He does not get to decide this. You will need to make this clear to him. Anytime he puts his hands on you when there is anger involved is not acceptable, ever. And the same goes with you doing this.



peaceandhappiness said:


> 4. I do not walk off to another room when we are arguing and he is trying to put his point across no matter how much I disagree and feel overwhelmed.


This is not acceptable. He does not have the right to keep you captive. What he’s saying here is that he’s completely rejecting the “STOP” keyword and the two of you separating to cool off.



peaceandhappiness said:


> So basically he wants me to be more calm, composed, forgiving to his mistakes and let it go even when he is trying to be righteous and not admit to his mistakes.


Being calm, composed and forgiving are good things. But the rest sounds like he just wants to walk all over you while are you calm, composed and forgiving. He also has to be calm , composed and forgiving. 


peaceandhappiness said:


> Also to give him space and not pester him when he wants to go out without me after a fight.


Go out where?? To hang out with friends for hours, drinking and leaving you alone? Not acceptable at all. He’s taking the break to calm down thing and trying to turn it into justification to go out and party. It does not work that way.


peaceandhappiness said:


> I will try doing all these things and see what he does. I know if I improve he will, but I am human and if i do make mistakes once in a while, I dont know how to handle him leaving the house. That feeling really screws me up inside because he makes last minute plans and I don't think it is healthy to do this to your wife who is not going to go drink alcohol at 9pm just because we got into a fight. I feel there are other ways to get space, (a drive, movie, coffee, walk or even go for an hour to drink a beer and come home!) BUT he disagrees. I feel abandoned, alone, bored, uncared for, and I feel pity on myself and feel anger and hatred towards his insensitivity, callousness and selfishness. I also miss my family. I need to deal with being okay with this.


No you do not need to deal with being ok with this. You can counter what he gave you and negotiate. The above needs a lot more to refine it before you could counter offer anything.

The bottom line is that he thinks its ok for him to abuse you.

He wants you to accept his view of things and shut up and put up.

And he wants to be able to pick fights with you to justify him going out for hours drinking and partying leaving you alone.

You did not answer my question. Why do you want to say in this marriage when you are is so much pain?


It's my bed time. I'll check back in the morning.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You can negotiate. It doesn't have to be his way or the highway.

Tell him you have major issues with feeling abandoned and that if he chooses to do this after a fight, it will cause you a great deal of (insert all the emotions you feel here when he leaves). This may be due to some childhood trauma/pain you have had to deal with, caused by someone close making you feel this way. It might help if you can pinpoint why this affects you so badly. If you can pinpoint why, share it with him during a period where you are both in a calm mood.


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