# Please advise I really need help



## ManInHell (Feb 1, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I am new here and I really need opinions from people who are having or had a similar situation..

I am a 30 years old married man and my wife is 30 years old aswell. We got married 5 years ago and have no kids. from the moment I met my wife I new she was a very special person in all aspects.. Before I met my wife I had different partners but couldnt find a stable relationship with non of them untill I met my wife. I was happy to finally find a person whom I can trust, count on, respectful, sweet, honest, responsible etc.. which made me feel very lucky to have met her.... BUT I also knew that she was very different than all women I met because she is a perfectionist, has a very low self-esteem, insecure and has almost no libido.. 

The first 8 months of our relation were OK regarding sex..But after almost 1 year I started to feel as if I was sharing an appartment with a fi¡riend rather than having a normal relationship with my wife.. We always had a great relationship, full of respect, understanding, we go out, have fun, we care for eachother, attentive, go on holiday, I help her 100% with the householding tasks..etc EXCEPT that Sex was less and less and she used to be tired all the time.. I was always open to her so I talked to her about the situation trying to understand why?

At that point she told me that she had 5 years therapy before she met me.. All that therapy was to improve her self-esteem, insecurity and to make her appreciate herself as a woman..Apart from that she told me that she has a low libido and that she almost never thinks about sexl.. She also added that her self insecure makes her doubt about her body, image etc.. 

After hearing that I was really more open and tried to put myself in her shoes and gave her all support as a good husband.. Things got worse and I came to the point that I missed something in my relation.. I started to feel that there was a barrier around her, I didnt know how to reach her and I felt frustrated all the time because of her low libido.. At that point I decided to stop with the relation (we were together almost 2 years).. The moment I talked to her about stopping the relation she was devastated and begged me to give it another chance.. A horrible month passed and I didnt know what tro do, I prayed god for hope and we decided to go on holiday to breng a change into the relation.. During the holiday we had more sex and I felt better and decided not to step out of the relation and give it a chance..

A couple of months passed and things came back to how they were.. A perfect, great, loving wife in all aspects but no sex in the relation.. She started therapy again, and I tried to do everything to bring her in the mood (clean the house in details so she wouldnt have something in her mind since she's a perfectionist, romantic dinners, be attentive and supportive ..ect) but that all didnt bring a big change to the situation.. 

4 years passed and this became the big issue in our relation, we have a wonderful relation except for the sex..UNTIL one day we were out together and I suddenly noticed that I was looking at other women with a real sexual desire.. I was shocked to feel that and immediately talked to my wife about it..I explained that the gap in our relation makes me feel that I really miss something which I am desiring to have somewhere else and that we really should do something about it cause its not normal how I feel about other women.. We went to the doctor and had her hormons checked.. Everything was fine with her hormons and the reason is only mental: perfectionisme, no self-esteem..etc 

I didnt know what to do anymore so I suggetsed to introduce sex films, toys etc anything which she would preffer.. It worked for 2 days and the story went on...

After being together for 5 years I met a girl at a language course and from the moment I saw her there was a BANG.. there was a click from the first moment.. To make the story short, after 3 months having contact with the new one, my wife discovered it by seeing a text message from her and she was devastated and very sad.. I told her that I really didnt mean to hurt her buit I was so lost in our relation and couldnt controle my self.. She understood somehow the situation and I decided to stop having contact with the other one.. 

We decided to go for a couple therapy in order to save our marriage.. Now one year later (6 years together ) but I couldnt stopt having relation with my other woman.. I have really a great relation with the other one and sex with her is just GREAT.. Though I just cant decide to stop my marriage.. I just dont have the strenght to do it.. My wife is my best friend, wife, co-worker and I just cant imagine not having her in my life... At this moment I feel devastated because I cant be 100% with my wife (always thinking about the other one) and cant be with the other one either (the guilt is killing me)...

Any advice?

Thanks a lot


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Find the strength to end the marriage.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Happily married couples dont lust after other people. Your marriage is not working for you. Do you feel it is fair to either of you to stay together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Ask for forgiveness, and let your woman go. She is not perfect but so do you. Her dislikes sex is one thing, it is workable with teamwork, love and respect....But you were cheating, that's unacceptable. 

So, let her go. You can still be good friends afterwards. 

And after you're finalizing your divorce and settle the alimonies etc, you can go find someone more compatible to your liking.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yup, you need to end the affair, come clean with your wife, take the lumps coming your way and you will end up more happy than you would be if you stayed in both of these relationships.

This will be so very painful for you, but living this dual existence is going to.... Rip you into pieces. Men are very good at compartmentalizing their lives, but they tend to exceed in the loyalty department. Even if you successfully compartmentalize this affair, the guilt will not ever go away because you are being disloyal.

Recognize that you have every right to have your need for sex met. You've been patient, giving, loving, understanding, encouraging, I can't think of anything else your wife might need to concur her fear of arousal. What you haven't been is steadfast and true to yourself. You haven't insisted she show progress in meeting your needs. You haven't been steadfast in insisting your needs are important.

You left a huge part of your needs unmet, your wife left them unmet, of course you fell for this other woman. I hate to sound so sexist but every woman knows men want sex as often as possible. If she left you without sex and you, however begrudgingly, allowed it to happen, you have contributed to your own misery.

Be a man and step up, then fess up. Take your lumps. maybe you two could work it out? maybe this might be the wake up call she needed to get her ass in gear and learn to deal with her past. Be the man she needs, the man who will force her not to settle for half an existence, who will force her to exorcise her daemons and become a fully, sexually developed woman.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I can totally see how this happened. What could you have done differently? Not much.

You are a man with needs, sexual needs that weren't being met. Men are built on testosterone, the sex hormone and us saying no to sex is like women saying no to emotion.

5+ years of low to almost no sex, so no change on her part. Becomes like a friend and room mate more than a wife. I can totally relate.

You did much to be there for her, a great husband, romance, a really good effort.

She never mentioned this issue until well after you were married. She should of told you before you got married and things might of been different.

I would recommend either you both get marriage counseling and you both me an effort to make this work (also getting a normal sex drive on her part).

Or you unfortunately divorce, still be friends with her and find some other women with a healthy sex drive and more or a match for you.

Wish you the best.


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## ManInHell (Feb 1, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies.. 

We are now in marriage counseling since she discovered that I was cheating on her (a year ago)... Since that time I just cant be 100% with my head home.. Im just a body and my mind is somewhere else.. I always admired my wife sexually and desired her all the time but she didnt responed.. 

Since a year I just dont feel like making love to her anymore so last September the therapist suggested I leave home and go live somewhere else until I make up my mind and both of us can have a break to re-breath.. It was a good step except that I just couldnt controle myself feeling guilty everytime I saw my wife or called her and heard she was lonely, sad, miserable... I just couldnt live like that... So last week I decided to come back home and be a man to solve things in a correct way... The counselor asked me to give a 100% last try to be completely body and soul with my wife and to decide if it works out or not and then take a last decision and end my marriage (off course not having contact with the other one during this period) So I am trying this now, but still dont feel like approaching my wife sexually even though I really need to have sex.. I sometimes wake up during the night with a huge erection... 

DAMN IT MAN in the past I used to be like a dog behind my wife to have my needs met and now I just dont want to approach her... I am getting crazy...The other woman is being so pacient since a year and now with my last step she showed understanding but want me to decide to finish my marriage NOT for her but to see that It doesnt work..

I cant look into the eyes of my wife, she is sooooo damn good person but according to the therapist I dont love her as a wife, only as a person :-((

I just cant imagine 6 years of investment in a relation, memories, happiness... etc will disappear once I end my marriage.. I know its life but I am a very sentimental person and the idea kills me..

Thanks for your opinions


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ManInHell said:


> I cant look into the eyes of my wife, she is sooooo damn good person but according to the therapist I dont love her as a wife, only as a person :-((


There, you have answered your own question. You don't love your woman as a wife, you love her as a friend. Divorce her with all the good intentions, with all the best settlements you can get for her, making sure she won't be penniless as a single woman. You could still be good friends, after all, you love her as a friend.



> I just cant imagine 6 years of investment in a relation, memories, happiness... etc will disappear once I end my marriage.. I know its life but I am a very sentimental person and the idea kills me..
> 
> Thanks for your opinions


Win some, lose some. Lose this wife, get another in the future. And if you're lucky, your ex-wife will remain a good friend. Look, nobody can say you never tried. You did try, but you got tempted. You were showing weakness of character. You regretted being tempted, and even now are still trying to salvage your marriage. Sounds like, deep inside you're not a bad person, and neither is your wife, but you two weren't meant to be together. She deserves better. And so do you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Try Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

You've tried doing chores for her, listening to her, and understanding her. That didn't work. Maybe you should try something else that many men have had success with. She will either respond, and you can be happy together, or she won't, and you can divorce knowing you tried everything you could have.

Either way, you shouldn't have sex with other women while you're married.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I also feel bad for your wife like you do.

You knew she had a low libido & you still married her. She hid nothing & thought she found a man that accepted her exactly like she is.

Eventually you will leave your wife but before you do tell her the truth. Tell her that you thought you could live with her low libido & tried for years to make it work but now that you are cheating, you realize you cannot be with her anymore.

Yes, you will lose your best friend & so will she.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I felt like you at one point. The cycling between a good relationship and bad one wore me down to a point that my wife and I agreed to separate. I resigned myself to the fact that we were going to divorce.

But she finally agreed to go to marriage counseling and you know what? I couldn't bounce back this time. I was tired of trying. I was tired of hitting the lowest of lows and then being expected to make believe everything was OK.

What I did was the old "fake it until you make it" routine. I played the part and eventually was able to get myself back in the marriage. However, I made it clear to my wife that I wasn't going through that cycle again.

You can try that, regain the love and relationship you want as long as you know that you CAN call it quits next time. Knowing you can do that will give you a different perspective on the efforts that you make.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> I felt like you at one point. The cycling between a good relationship and bad one wore me down to a point that my wife and I agreed to separate. I resigned myself to the fact that we were going to divorce.
> 
> But she finally agreed to go to marriage counseling and you know what? I couldn't bounce back this time. I was tired of trying. I was tired of hitting the lowest of lows and then being expected to make believe everything was OK.
> 
> ...


Chris, your post gives me hope. I've tried the fake it till you make it, but was alone in the game at the time. Now, he's in the game with me and I see glimpses of that old feeling. 

My question to you is, could you tell me more about the kinds of steps your wife took and how your response to those steps might have changed, or not, over time? For instance, my husband is being affectionate. I appreciate it very much, but I still feel auto-pilot guiding my responses. Did you experience this kind of switch from auto-pilot to a true response over time? Did she have to continually try harder or were her efforts fairly consistent over time? Also, did you give it a time limit or did you both just agree to throw everything into it as long as you could and as long as progress was being made you'd be able to keep at it?

Sorry if this is thread jacking. Not sure what to do here.


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