# Lack of Communication



## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

Hello. I have turned to the internet to find some answers. My wife and I have only been married for 2 month but lived together for 2 1/2 years before we were married. I am an artist and have little background in psychology. I have always been interested with the human mind. I went through severe depression and learned then the importance of communication. 

My wife is very mathematically minded. You can ask her how she feels about something and she says I dont know. You can ask her to describe how she feels and she can't. It's almost like there is thoughts at all in her mind. I struggle with this because my mind is always going. You tell me something and I think of every possible situation and outcome. I think about the conversation I might have with someone and what they would say and what I would say back. I think about all the bad that might happen and how to solve it. I describe in detail how something makes me feel and discuss my views. 

I love my wife but I know communication is the #1 thing in a relationship. I fear if we can't communicate than we will grow apart. I fear if we have children she won't be able to talk with them and problem solve with me. 

I want to find a way to help her think more deeply and to be able to express feelings and to problem solve. I want to ask her what do you think and she can say exactly what she feels instead of throw her hands up and say I dont know! 

On a side note we rarely have sex. It has gotten better but I just feel at this point in our relationship it should be at least a majority of the week. Now don't take me for just wanting sex. I feel like sex or rather making love to my wife is "Love." For me and the love i feel for her is so deep and powerful only tears can touch the emotion. Making love is the best physical expression of this power or emotion inside of me. This emotional release we share with each other as one. The problem is she has a thyroid problem. So she has a low sex drive. I feel like she doesn't care to even try to over come it. Because we don't talk about it until I get upset. This is also due to the lack of communication. 

I come to you on this forum for help and advice. I want any books that might help her to learn to communicate and share. As well as anything that might help with increasing sex drive naturally.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

It all comes down to communication. Just because she cant describe what she likes when you directly ask her doesnt mean that she cant communicate. Some people dont like to be put on the spot. You might just watch and listen to her. You can pick up some clues. Sex will also get better with communication.
Did you start feeling all of this after you got married or was she always like this?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Communication is really important.

What you need to consider is that maybe she feels you are the one who isn't communicating. Yeah, I know that seems weird, but it's how it is. Almost certainly, both of you are communicating but not connecting.

Fortunately this also gives you the chance to do something about the problem. Just try to learn to communicate as she does, to bridge the gap, then let it grow from there. Once you get communications open, it's easier to expand them.


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## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

The problem is she doesn't know how to communicate. She really doesn't have the skills to communicate. I ask her if there is anything I am doing or can do and she says no. I am very open and honest. I tell her anything I am thinking. Then I try to explain it until she says she understands. For example I told her that I feel as if she doesn't care about if we have sex or not. I understand she has low sex drive but things can be done about it. I told her it makes me feel like she doesn't even care if we make love or not because there is no attempt to try to get past it or to research what could make her have a better drive. 

Ive felt this way for a while about communication. That she doesnt know how to express anything like there are almost no thoughts in her head. I can see how her parents don't communicate well and I know it is a learned trait. As far as sex there have been times where there are weeks between or maybe once a week or once every two weeks. We are 24 years old. So I feel like there has to be something to improve the situation.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Hold on i have a thyroid problem but it doesn't affect my sex drive  i don't think that has anything to do with it, even when my wasn't treated i still wanted sex.... alot.

And i love your description of how you emotionally contemplate issues internally in your mind, i do this. 



> I struggle with this because my mind is always going. You tell me something and I think of every possible situation and outcome. I think about the conversation I might have with someone and what they would say and what I would say back. I think about all the bad that might happen and how to solve it. I describe in detail how something makes me feel and discuss my views.


You are sensual and maybe your wife is not.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

jgphillips said:


> I want to find a way to help her think more deeply and to be able to express feelings and to problem solve. I want to ask her what do you think and she can say exactly what she feels instead of throw her hands up and say I dont know!


I've been your wife. Express feelings (emotions) and problem solve even still sounds unnatural to me. Can you two solve other less emotional issues together? Sense of team? Can you speak to mathematical side? Too much feeling prodding would send me into shell.

You asked for a book, try "His Needs Her Needs" together.


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## Spousal Unit (Aug 25, 2012)

jgphillips said:


> The problem is she doesn't know how to communicate. She really doesn't have the skills to communicate. I ask her if there is anything I am doing or can do and she says no. I am very open and honest. I tell her anything I am thinking. Then I try to explain it until she says she understands. For example I told her that I feel as if she doesn't care about if we have sex or not. I understand she has low sex drive but things can be done about it. I told her it makes me feel like she doesn't even care if we make love or not because there is no attempt to try to get past it or to research what could make her have a better drive.
> 
> Ive felt this way for a while about communication. That she doesnt know how to express anything like there are almost no thoughts in her head. I can see how her parents don't communicate well and I know it is a learned trait. As far as sex there have been times where there are weeks between or maybe once a week or once every two weeks. We are 24 years old. So I feel like there has to be something to improve the situation.



Uhh, wait a minute here. You and she are both 24 and you are doing it only ONCE A WEEK...or less? What's it gonna be like in 5, 10, 20 YEARS from NOW? Do you see where this is going? Sorry to be so blunt, but this is NOT a road you want to take.

Either you and your W need to get some professional help right away, or work it out between yourselves if you can. I just see red flags EVERYWHERE. You need to resolve these communication problems right away before you have a child or take on many other commitments together. Communication will only get harder when you have jobs, kids and bills to juggle.


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## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

Spousal Unit said:


> Uhh, wait a minute here. You and she are both 24 and you are doing it only ONCE A WEEK...or less? What's it gonna be like in 5, 10, 20 YEARS from NOW? Do you see where this is going? Sorry to be so blunt, but this is NOT a road you want to take.
> 
> Either you and your W need to get some professional help right away, or work it out between yourselves if you can. I just see red flags EVERYWHERE. You need to resolve these communication problems right away before you have a child or take on many other commitments together. Communication will only get harder when you have jobs, kids and bills to juggle.



Yes. I have actually told her the same thing. We might have sex 3 times a week is I am lucky. She does go to school full time and work full time so I understand shes tired but there are 7 days in a week and 4 of them would be nice! I have told her that sex is not the most important thing to me, that communication is but sex is pretty important. Without it problems arise and resentment comes around.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Spousal Unit is so spot on.

When do you try to talk to her about? After sex? Was it good or meh? At other times? Try changing up when you do. We are going on 20 years and I'm not best communicator but still to this day talk very candidly and regularly.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Have you tried asking how her day was and just listening?

Have you tried being naked and affectionate without being sexual? EG take a bath together, or give her a massage.


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## Tiny T (Aug 31, 2012)

I've only been married 1 1/2 years and it's like I've married a different person. He is so self obsessed oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I feel trapped.


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## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

Let me say this. The sex and communication problems are essentially two different problems but I understand they could be related in most cases. She has low low sex drive. Sex is great. Probably better for her than me. I try all different times of the day to ask her to expand on what she means. Or if I am trying to figure out what we need to do about something she is no help and she needs to be. It's like she can think sometimes. I don't mean that in a rude manner. Even little things like she's hungry but she can't figure out what she wants to eat like its this terribly huge decision and her mind can't process it. Now she's smart. When it comes to chemistry physics and math. Things of that manner. But other than equation on paper she struggles to think about how something makes her feel. Or what she thinks about something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JG, I agree with Cloud that you are not describing hypo-thyroidism because it typically causes tiredness, not a lost of sexual desire. Like Cloud, I have it and find that it is easily treated by swallowing a pill every day.

Because you enjoy reading about psychology, I encourage you to read about SPD (Schzoid Personality Disorder). Avoiding sex and emotional detachment are two of the hallmarks of SPD. Importantly, SPD is NOT the same thing as schizophrenia. As to your W's love of mathematics, it is interesting that Psychiatrist David Tharp writes:_The schzoid individual may be able to get highly involved and invested in their nonhuman interests such as mathematics or science._ See http://www.stonebriarps.com/2009_July_August_Schizoid_Personality.pdf.​There is a subgroup of SPDers called _"Secret Schzoids,"_ which I believe you will find of considerable interest. In 1995, psychiatrist Ralph Klein, described this subgroup as follows:_There are many fundamentally schizoid individuals who present with an engaging, interactive personality style which contradicts the observable characteristic emphasized by the DSM-IV and ICD-10 definitions of the schizoid personality. Klein classifies these individuals as __secret schizoids, presenting themselves as socially available, interested, engaged, and involved in interacting in the eyes of the observer, while at the same time remaining emotionally withdrawn and sequestered __within the safety of the internal world._ See Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.​If these descriptions of schzoids ring a bell, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. Take care, JG.


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## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

Uptown said:


> JG, I agree with Cloud that you are not describing hypo-thyroidism because it typically causes tiredness, not a lost of sexual desire. Like Cloud, I have it and find that it is easily treated by swallowing a pill every day.
> 
> Because you enjoy reading about psychology, I encourage you to read about SPD (Schzoid Personality Disorder). Avoiding sex and emotional detachment are two of the hallmarks of SPD. Importantly, SPD is NOT the same thing as schizophrenia. As to your W's love of mathematics, it is interesting that Psychiatrist David Tharp writes:_The schzoid individual may be able to get highly involved and invested in their nonhuman interests such as mathematics or science._ See http://www.stonebriarps.com/2009_July_August_Schizoid_Personality.pdf.​There is a subgroup of SPDers called _"Secret Schzoids,"_ which I believe you will find of considerable interest. In 1995, psychiatrist Ralph Klein, described this subgroup as follows:_There are many fundamentally schizoid individuals who present with an engaging, interactive personality style which contradicts the observable characteristic emphasized by the DSM-IV and ICD-10 definitions of the schizoid personality. Klein classifies these individuals as __secret schizoids, presenting themselves as socially available, interested, engaged, and involved in interacting in the eyes of the observer, while at the same time remaining emotionally withdrawn and sequestered __within the safety of the internal world._ See Schizoid personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.​If these descriptions of schzoids ring a bell, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. Take care, JG.



Other than the interest in math and science this is the only thing that seems to fit her... 

"He or she will frequently respond with short answers to direct questions, and generally offer little in the way of spontaneous conversation or comments."

To be quite honest a lot of it applies to myself other than the fact I know how to share my thoughts with people I really care about and can voice an opinion to friends and stranders. However I struggle with people in authority unable to truly say what i feel. I have to fight crying when talking to some people like that e.g. my father or my insane boss. The anxiety tears me up talking to them. Also I hate huge social interactions. I am a photographer and I dread shooting because of the interaction with people. 

I really appreciate the articles though. I have yet to read the second ones but will. 

"He or she will frequently respond with short answers to direct questions, and generally offer little in the way of spontaneous conversation or comments." 

That does seem like her but thats the only part as I said other than science and math. She can interact very well when it is just regular interaction or if someone ask her things such as work ect. It is really just between me and her that she doesn't know how to express what she feels it seems and I ask about that and it's as if she doesn't know what she feels. I know she loves me and she does to.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

jgphillips said:


> To be quite honest a lot of it applies to myself ... I struggle with people in authority unable to truly say what i feel. I have to fight crying when talking to some people like that ... Also I hate huge social interactions. I am a photographer and I dread shooting because of the interaction with people.


All of us occasionally exhibit all the traits of the various personality disorders, albeit at a low level if we are emotionally healthy. PD traits are not something you "have" or "don't have" but, rather, symptoms that vary in degree from person to person. They become a problem only when they are sufficiently strong and persistent to undermine our close relationships with other people. Your aversion to working with people, for example, may indicate you have mild to moderate aspects of Avoidant PD in your personality. If so, it does NOT imply you have the full blown PD.


> _"He or she will frequently respond with short answers to direct questions, and generally offer little in the way of spontaneous conversation or comments."_ That does seem like her but .... She can interact very well when it is just regular interaction or if someone ask her things such as work ect. It is really just between me and her that she doesn't know how to express what she feels it seems and I ask about that and it's as if she doesn't know what she feels. I know she loves me and she does to.


This is why I suggested you take a look at the discussion on secret schzoids. Such folks typically interact very well with business associates and casual friends but are emotionally withdrawn around people they love. I suggest this only because you seem to be describing a behavioral problem that goes well beyond a simple lack of communication skills. Again, if your W does exhibit such traits, it does NOT mean she has the full blown disorder. We all have such traits to some degree. This is why PDs are considered to be "spectrum" disorders. 

On the other hand, I may be totally off base here. Another thing to consider is Aspergers, i.e., very mild traits of autism.


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## jgphillips (Aug 28, 2012)

Uptown said:


> This is why I suggested you take a look at the discussion on secret schzoids. Such folks typically interact very well with business associates and casual friends but are emotionally withdrawn around people they love.


I most definitely will look into it. It seems like small talk sometimes is easier than anything for her. But as an example her grandmother just died. We went to see her grandfather and there was so much awkward silence. I don't know him well enough to talk about things that he might open up to, but she does. She just sat there in the silence. I really feel like he's alone so much now he needs someone to just talk about things until they find a subject he bites on. She couldn't do it. 

I see some similar traits in her family. Really able to talk to anyone about random things. But no communication between each other as far as emotions for each other. Now in private they might express them but my W has never seen them do it herself. Her mother also snaps at people when they ask her a question. Everything is an over reaction and dramatic. I don't think there is a visit where they aren't at each others throats because none of them no how to discuss without getting upset. Mainly the Mother.


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