# She says she has low libido but..



## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I would appreciate a lot any opinion on my situation.

We recently married (less than 6 months ago), we have no kids, I am 30 and she is 35.

Since after we married her libido has dropped and we have sex about once a week or less. Before marriage was a bit better 1-3 times a week. Now is going toward once every 10-14 days.

She is on ipertension medication since before the marriage. I read that this can sometimes cause low libido.

Since the beginning I was unhappy with the situation and I tried to talk to her several times. She made me feel bad every time as it was bad for me to want to make love to my wife. I always tried to bring up the subject making an effort not to hurt her feelings and to avoid a fight, but every time she gets extremely defensive and she attacks me. 

So I gave up talking and tried not to think about it to give her a rest and don't worsen the situation putting pressure on her.

She works in a restaurant in the evenings and she wears nice blue-jeans and the t-shirt provided by the restaurant. She spends a lot of time for her make up. That is fine with me, I like the fact that she wants to feel good. 

I am surprised when she puts on sexy underwear to go to work. I never said a thing but she doesn't wear it at home around me. Sometimes when I see her in sexy underwear I compliment her but most of the times she turns down the compliment like I shouldn't have said anything.
It's really upsetting me, I feel all the passion fading away already, and we're not even one year into our marriage.

I don't understand her behaviour, can you guys/girls help me understand?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Do you ever take her out on dates? Do you do any of the things you used to do when dating (outside of the bedroom I mean)?

How often do you two talk these days (I don't mean about which TV show to watch or who's turn it is to do the dishes)?

Is her job stressful for her?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

It really sounds like it could be medical issues that are causing her low libido. She should see a doctor about it and not just because the lack of sex is harming your marriage- there could be something very wrong with her causing it, or there might be other meds that might work for her while keeping her sex drive intact. Maybe the problem is that her meds *aren't* working and it is stressing her. 

Quoting an earlier post of mine out of laziness:
"If it isn't medical, it could be a lack of understanding on her part. We womenfolk live in an age where we are told that if we aren't in the mood, no one has the right to try to change our mind. Simultaneously, we are told men are *always* horny, they just want sex, they will say whatever they need to to bed you, etc. It's a terrible situation. 

Yes, we should absolutely reserve the right to say no. However, to boil a husband's sexual desire down to just a physical thing is an injustice to both men and women. I know I didn't fully understand that and probably still don't completely... We are told that "men connect physically" but we told in a way that makes it sound inferior, and again, like it is an excuse they give us because they are just horny and will say anything to get sex. 

*She might honestly not believe you when you say it is something you need, because the importance of a physical connection may just sound like a bad pick-up line to her if she doesn't understand.* This honestly might be where a lot of the problems you are having come from. 

You could try having her read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. Is the woman right about everything? Doubtful. But it is a woman talking about the importance of sex to men, and I know it gave me some food for thought."

As to her clothing choice, some women gain confidence by wearing lingerie. I personally wear lingerie to job interviews- they have no idea I am doing it and for whatever reason, I find it very empowering and it allows me to adopt a more confident persona. Some women just find it more comfortable (they lost me on that one). Since she works at a restaurant, getting dolled up and allowing occasional "accidental" peeks at sexy underwear might net her more tips (you never know ). 

I don't understand why she would be unwilling to accept compliments unless she possibly felt they were insincere (not saying you were). She might be having some self-esteem issues and might not want to believe you are attracted to her. Some people might suggest she might be cheating or trying to attract other men, which is possible but obviously exploring alternatives first is a good idea IMO.

It really sounds like you are trying to respect her and that you love her and I'm sorry you are hurting right now.  Ultimately, your emotional needs are not being met (as well as physical) and if she is unwilling to work on the problems, you might have to face a hard decision about whether or not you can spend the rest of your life in that situation.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

@ Browncoat: I tried dates, and even after a good night spent with friends or a romantic dinner that I cooked for her if she's not "in the mood" there is no way I can change things. And if she is not "in the mood" I would not like to push her do it, it would seem "fake" to me.

Talking is ok, but depends on her mood a lot, sometimes she is stressed and doesn't want to talk, sometimes she is more open. I am always 100% available for her but it takes two to have a good conversation.


@ kittykat09:

Thanks a lot for your reply! I find it really helpful. I am still processing all the information though.

One more request: do you have a book to suggest for me too?

Possible explanation for her not accepting my compliments: maybe she thinks that I compliment her because I want sex in that moment and maybe she doesn't.


When I get rejected some days I take it lightly but some days it's very hard to cope with it. I guess this is normal but I notice that I am trying less and less to initiate sex. This way I realize she's the one that get the benefit from it but I am tired and a bit scared of being refused. [Oh my god, I'm only 30 years old!  ]


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Mishy said:


> @ Browncoat: I tried dates, and even after a good night spent with friends or a romantic dinner that I cooked for her if she's not "in the mood" there is no way I can change things. And if she is not "in the mood" I would not like to push her do it, it would seem "fake" to me.
> 
> Talking is ok, but depends on her mood a lot, sometimes she is stressed and doesn't want to talk, sometimes she is more open. I am always 100% available for her but it takes two to have a good conversation.
> 
> ...


I have seen books suggested for men in other threads, but I'm not sure off the top of my head. If you check in some of the other LD threads there might be some titles listed.

I know when I was having troubles with LD I definitely took the slightest hint of sexual advance from my fiance as "what a pig, all he wants is sex and he would say/do anything to get me in bed." I'm not proud of it and if he wasn't so patient with me, I could have caused a lot of resentment and damage.

One thing that helped me was he stopped trying to initiate anything but still went out of his way to do nice things for me. It helped me see that his motivations weren't just sexual. I would hate to recommend a course of action that would just get you walked all over, though. >.> It was a combination of many things that helped me see that I was hurting him and that change needed to be made even if it wasn't "convenient" for me.

When you have tried communicating about your needs, how have you tried to approach it?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Mishy said:


> I am surprised when she puts on sexy underwear to go to work. I never said a thing but she doesn't wear it at home around me. Sometimes when I see her in sexy underwear I compliment her but most of the times she turns down the compliment like I shouldn't have said anything.
> It's really upsetting me, I feel all the passion fading away already, and we're not even one year into our marriage.


Big red flag right here Mishy. Have you considered the possibility that there's another man she's involved with who works with her at the restaurant?

The makeup is one thing, because you have to look good for customers. But putting on sexy underwear is not for customers...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mishy said:


> One more request: do you have a book to suggest for me too?
> 
> When I get rejected some days I take it lightly but some days it's very hard to cope with it. I guess this is normal but I notice that I am trying less and less to initiate sex. This way I realize she's the one that get the benefit from it but I am tired and a bit scared of being refused. [Oh my god, I'm only 30 years old!  ]


You have a difficult yet common problem. It's concerning that it happened so early in your relationship and seemed to coincide with marriage. 

Do you both want children? I ask because the frequency of sex decreases after children are in the picture for upwards of a yr sometimes it does not come back. 

There are many good books for you. I don't think you should start by trying to figure her out. I think you need to understand yourself before you can deal with her. That is because your lack of boundaries drives what happens to you. You are being too nice. 

That may sound strange but people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You have control over how this relationship goes or does not go. You need to set up boundaries and stick to them or you will get run over. 

Would you be willing to post in the Mens Clubhouse with a link back to this post. They are experienced in dealing with men that are too nice and get what they settle for - not much. The best to you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> It really sounds like it could be medical issues that are causing her low libido. She should see a doctor about it and not just because the lack of sex is harming your marriage- there could be something very wrong with her causing it, or there might be other meds that might work for her while keeping her sex drive intact. Maybe the problem is that her meds *aren't* working and it is stressing her.
> 
> Quoting an earlier post of mine out of laziness:
> "If it isn't medical, it could be a lack of understanding on her part. We womenfolk live in an age where we are told that if we aren't in the mood, no one has the right to try to change our mind. Simultaneously, we are told men are *always* horny, they just want sex, they will say whatever they need to to bed you, etc. It's a terrible situation.
> ...


kittykat09 -- that is really insightful. I had really low libido AND really low self-esteem that totally collided after our son was born. I had a terrible time losing weight, and was desperately trying everything to lose it (I was mega-huge when I was PG). I didn't feel at all sexy, so I didn't really believe my husband wanted _me_, I thought it had to be that he just wanted sex and I happened to be there. Plus I was exhausted, so I never was in the mood anyway. He was not terribly understanding, and even though I was going to doctors to try to deal with the weight and energy issues, he wanted me to go to another doctor to deal with my libido. It was all blowing my confidence and self-esteem even more. 
Even when we figured out that I had a thyroid problem and the pounds started coming off and my energy started returning, it didn't help, because he was in his 2nd EA by then. It made it impossible for me to feel like I could approach him without him mentally comparing me to her (younger, firmer, etc.) body. 



Mishy said:


> Possible explanation for her not accepting my compliments: maybe she thinks that I compliment her because I want sex in that moment and maybe she doesn't.


This is exactly the way it seemed to me during this time.

Health issues, and certain medications can cause libido issues and/or depression, which also affects libido. 

Now, your wife isn't me, and maybe you already do these things, but...

1. Tell her you think she's beautiful when she's wearing a sweatshirt and scrubby jeans and just got done cleaning the bathroom, not just when she's wearing lingerie. 

2. Do some of the little things you used to do when you were dating. Did you write her little notes and leave them for her to find? Leave a flower in her car? Pack her lunch? Take her back to times other than what's going on now. She's created an association of your wanting sex with her not feeling like it. You've got to help her break that association by focusing on love and romance, not sex. KWIM? 

3. Whatever you do, don't mention other women or anything that can be taken as a threat that you will go elsewhere. That will do nothing to help her trust your feelings for her.

Ladies, am I off track?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Mishy ~

I think you would be wise to explore what/if anything else may be happening at your wife's job. It is suspicious that she dresses in sexy undies for work, but not for you.

And, for you ... your sexual desires are normal.  It's normal for both men and women to want to connect with their spouses sexually ... it provides an emotional connection and bond between you in your marriage.

However, you have to be willing to really make it a priority and be willing to have boundaries of actions that you hold yourself and your wife accountable to (whether that is for sex or just for your relationship in general.) A great book to give you some insight about boundaries is the following:

Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books

You can also go to the following site and take the 'nice guy' test to see if you fall in to that category. A nice guy is one who defers his own wants/desires to someone else (his wife, for instance) instead of standing up for them... he generally gets his sense of self-worth from another instead of himself... and he often engages in 'covert contracts'.

No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

If you score high on the assessment, the following book may be beneficial to read. This is a free copy of the book:

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

There are a number of men who have had success with the following book as well. There is a companion blog and the author also posts periodically on TAM.

Married Man Sex Life

I hope that you can figure out what is going on with your wife. But, that shouldn't cause you to delay in trying to improve yourself. 

Best wishes.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> I have seen books suggested for men in other threads, but I'm not sure off the top of my head. If you check in some of the other LD threads there might be some titles listed.
> 
> I know when I was having troubles with LD I definitely took the slightest hint of sexual advance from my fiance as "what a pig, all he wants is sex and he would say/do anything to get me in bed." I'm not proud of it and if he wasn't so patient with me, I could have caused a lot of resentment and damage.
> 
> ...


On one hand I understand what you are saying. But I disagree that a man has to turn off his needs and attend to a woman's needs even more to resolve problems like this. It takes two to tango. That is not fair to ask or expect anyone to put their needs aside. I'd say the same thing if a man came in here and said I expect her to have sex with me and I'm not going to do XYZ for her. Relationships are naturally a give and take. From a man who has done the patient waiting game for years, its not a recipe for happiness. 

I think for HD spouses, the LD is not the issue, even a lack of sex, but the attitude is. The sexual mismatch and tension doesn't just come from a lack of sex. That's the symptom of the core issue. There is a profound difference between acknowledging you don't want to have sex and making yourself freely available while you or the two of you sort out the LD issue. There are plenty of other things we do in relationship out of obligation that we don't enjoy at the moment or that are wrapped up in duty. You don't make it to the finish line of the race by stopping, giving up and sitting on the side of the road because you got a side cramp. You slow down, let the pain subside, walk till you run and persevere. 

I understand why women think the way they do. They hate to think that a man sees them as a piece of meat, only good for one thing. It's not true BTW...They think that all men want is in your pants. Actually YES thats EXACTLY what we want. It's not bad, its not evil, its not sexist. Its male sexuality 101. Everything we do from the time we're old enough to look at a set of boobs and get turned on is designed to get us back in from whence we came. Getting a job, finishing school, dressing nice, EVERYTHING to pea**** and attract you to get back to the promised land and procreate. Everything we have to offer a partner hinges on meeting our primary needs and being connected to them. Some men do not need that to connect. Most do, myself included. Some women need that connection just as badly as men do. 

The OP has every right to be concerned. On one hand, there may be things he's done or does that turns her off. I'm a two to tango guy. It's rarely one sided but it can be. It may be a hormonal thing or medication. In the short term, any one or all of those may be a reasonable explanation for a slowdown. The correct response (or attitude as I like to put it) is to put your hard hat on, do the work and get to the bottom of the issue. It's too important to the long term success of a relationship not to. You should never let a marriage suffer because you can't be mature enough to keep your promises made to each other over a feeling or lack thereof. The circumstantial evidence given here sounds like she's just not into him or she's pushing him away because she doesn't want to deal with the issue. 

To the OP, I suggest doing more research. Definitely like the MMSLP and No More Mr. Nice Guy materials as well. There's a lot of good information out there. Don't accept where things are and take action to remedy it starting with eliminating anything that you do that may contribute to the problem. It won't hurt. Make yourself the best man you can be and have enough confidence and love for yourself to expect your wife to do the same. Easier said than done...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with the posters advising you to look for another man. Look at her cell phone usage. Does one number pop up a great deal, or at odd times? Check the phone itself. If she doesn't think you suspect her, she may not delete her texts/emails. Check her credit card statements. Dinners out when she claims to be working? Hotel rooms? Check her email and Facebook accounts. Any inappropriate messages?

If you find something, then you should kick her out of the house and start from there. Reconciliation is possible, if you both want it.

If you don't find anything, then you have to work on yourself. Stop asking for sex like an awkward teenager. Women don't like that. Leave her alone. Do you own thing. Women like independent men. Start dressing nicer. Work out. It may be possible to pull her interest back to you.

Do a search for the thermostat threads in the Men's Clubhouse. Basically, you don't want your wife to believe that you're more invested in the relationship than she is.

Good luck.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies.

@ kittykat09 


> When you have tried communicating about your needs, how have you tried to approach it?


Different ways. At first I was disappointed and "pouting". She was frustrated with me and we had arguments. Then I tried a more "adult" approach, talking to her about how I feel when she says "no". Again her reaction was "I have done nothing wrong, what do you want from me?". Then I tried again this time being more supportive, suggesting to ask her doctor about the meds she is taking, she said she would do it but it was just a way to procrastinate. In fact she hasn't seen the doctor yet. Then again I bring up the thing after two weeks of being rejected and we had a fight, I left the house and went to have a coffee not far from the house. She complained about me not doing enough etc. I really felt she was just trying to make me feel bad. After a few hours she calmed down and we were able to talk again, but the best I got is "I will try to be better", so she is procrastinating again to keep me quiet. So no more talking, it does not lead anywhere.


@ Bottled Up, PHTlump, Enchantment



> Big red flag right here Mishy. Have you considered the possibility that there's another man she's involved with who works with her at the restaurant?


Well, anything is possible, but I don't think is the case. We have separate laptops and she leave her facebook open when she is at work. She is not protective of her cellphone, she leave it around the house so it's not a problem for me to access it. I could read into her email account no problem if I wanted but I don't think I should. I would feel dishonest and controlling.

About her job, I have been to the restaurant a few times and met quite a few people. Sometimes I stop by before she finishes and have a drink while I wait for her and then we go home together.

I don't think (and I really hope) that she is having an affair. She could be "interested" in a co-worker maybe, but I don't see any sigh, the people at the restaurant seem pretty comfortable when I stop by.

OR...Am I just being "blind" ?


@ Enchantment:

I have downloaded and started reading "No More Mr Nice Guy!" and I believe I am one of them given my childhood and teenage experience. Really interesting book, thanks!


All in All, looks like I have a ton of work to do, but I don't like to sit and watch, let's see how it goes.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

phantomfan said:


> On one hand I understand what you are saying. But I disagree that a man has to turn off his needs and attend to a woman's needs even more to resolve problems like this. It takes two to tango. That is not fair to ask or expect anyone to put their needs aside. I'd say the same thing if a man came in here and said I expect her to have sex with me and I'm not going to do XYZ for her. Relationships are naturally a give and take. From a man who has done the patient waiting game for years, its not a recipe for happiness.


I don't remember saying anything that said a man needs to turn his needs off... I talked about my thought processes when I was LD and that I realized that it *was* damaging to the relationship and that sex *is* a need for guys. 

I think where are you getting that interpretation from was when I said that it helped when he expressed interest in me in a non-sexual way so I saw he wasn't just saying things to get sex. I don't think that is an unreasonable thing to want from a partner.  It wasn't meant as a way of saying "Do what I want or no sex for you," just that feeling like you are only attractive when a guy wants to have sex with you is not conducive to having sex.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mishy,
Read "married man sex life" by Athol Kay. Great book. 

If you want 1-2 pages on what may be happening I have a link for you. 




Mishy said:


> @ Browncoat: I tried dates, and even after a good night spent with friends or a romantic dinner that I cooked for her if she's not "in the mood" there is no way I can change things. And if she is not "in the mood" I would not like to push her do it, it would seem "fake" to me.
> 
> Talking is ok, but depends on her mood a lot, sometimes she is stressed and doesn't want to talk, sometimes she is more open. I am always 100% available for her but it takes two to have a good conversation.
> 
> ...


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

My suggestion would be to have a friend she may not recognize go in one night she's working and see if things seem fishy. Like the others, I think she's got another man in her life at work.  I hope that's not the case, but it really does sound like it.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi everyone,

She left her laptop on yesterday while she was at work and I had a peek at her facebook and email but there was nothing. 

At this point I don't think she is cheating, unless it's at work. 
She just may be trying to get male attention at work. I don't know.

I started reading "No More Mr.Nice guy!" and I started to do something for me:

I had an haircut, I bought new underwear, I started to use my mountain bike every day.I am trying to be honest and to communicate my needs instead of keeping them to myself just to avoid a fight.


I don't know if this is the reason but this morning we made love!
She also said she would like to have a bike too.

I think I have a long way to go with the book and to keep improving myself though. 

I thank you all for your advice and suggestions and I will keep you updated.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

If you are Catholic I would seriously consider an annulment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

maggot brain said:


> If you are Catholic I would seriously consider an annulment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WTF?... nonsense.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Good Luck!

You're in a tough situation

I hope you fare better than most of us!


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Hi everyone!

Just a quick update.

Things seems to get better!

As I said before I started exercising with my bicycle every day, I pay more attention to myself (shower/haircut/try to look the best I can), and I am more firm and confident with my wife. I try (and it's hard) to not seek approval but focus on myself and my needs.

I don't know if it's working but we made love three times since the last post I wrote!!

I hope it's not just a phase, I will keep you updated. 

I always appreciate your comments/ideas/opinions.


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## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

That is awesome, Mishy!!!! Congrats on taking the time to find yourself again in all of this. 

Please do keep us posted on the progress! Here's hoping for a real change in her!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mishy said:


> Hi everyone!
> 
> Just a quick update.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Awesome!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have bigger problems than a wife with low libido. You have tried to tell her about something that was troubling you greatly a number of times and each time she turns on you. She devalues you as a person. In her mind you don't have any needs worthy of mentioning and shame on you for even bringing them up! She was all hot to trot up until the nuptials and then she forgot what sex was. In short, she was willing to toss some crumbs out until you were safely in the trap. Now, it's gonna be all about her. You'll find this to be a very common theme on these posts. She's 35 and should know by now how to treat another human being with a little respect. She chooses not to in your case. Do not make offspring with this woman! I would very calmly and clearly explain the way the land lays in terms that even a deranged chimpanzee could understand. Having done that, I'd give her maybe 3 months to behave, communicate, and perform in a reasonably acceptable fashion. If she chose to pooh pooh my needs further, I'd toss her and her jeans and her go-to-work fancy drawers into the street.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I do agree though, that even if you two want kids (and I saw that she's 35), I'd still wait a bit before trying to have kids.

You two are newlyweds and have a lot of stuff to work through before you're ready for the additional challenge of kids (and let me tell you the first one is really a challenge).

You may need to settle into a routine sexually. For example agree that you only have sex Y-times/week... and maybe even have a night each week (Saturday or Sunday) where you always reunite as a couple. What neither of you need is you coming up to her each night begging for sex. Once you know, you can just expect to take care of yourself some nights, and if she doesn't want to on an "on" night make sure she understands that the next is "on". You need to impress on her that she can't just keep pushing you off, that even if she's not 100% into it (so long as it's not painful), y'all can find some energy to have at least a quickie.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She was all hot to trot up until the nuptials and then she forgot what sex was. In short, she was willing to toss some crumbs out until you were safely in the trap. Now, it's gonna be all about her. You'll find this to be a very common theme on these posts. She's 35 and should know by now how to treat another human being with a little respect. She chooses not to in your case.


Hi Unbelievable,

what's the point of marriage if we don't have fun & sex? Why would she marry me? Just because I am a "good person"/"good partner"?

I am asking not to criticize your post but to understand what could be going through her mind.



Browncoat said:


> I do agree though, that even if you two want kids (and I saw that she's 35), I'd still wait a bit before trying to have kids.
> 
> You two are newlyweds and have a lot of stuff to work through before you're ready for the additional challenge of kids (and let me tell you the first one is really a challenge).
> 
> You may need to settle into a routine sexually. For example agree that you only have sex Y-times/week...


Yes, I agree about waiting to have kids. 
At the moment we are trying to save some money, we just settled in Canada after years of work abroad.

Honestly I am scared that once we will have kids she will "forget" about sex again.

About the routine, It's a good idea even though I don't like to plan things. 

The biggest challenge I face having sex with her is getting her "in the mood". Once we begin everything is fine and she enjoys making love. But I don't understand why sometimes she says "I want to make love to you but not now, let's wait until tonight, I need to relax". 


We made love again, two times, and I like the fact that is more passionate compared to what we had lately, maybe I am on the right track. It's not going to be easy though because we still have some occasional arguments.


Thanks everybody for the good advices and support.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

If she's a pretty lady (And is sounds like she is) and she works in a restaurant wearing what you describe, then she probably gets leered at and hit on all the damn time.

I can kinda, sorta see how a woman in those conditions might gradually adopt a jaundiced view of sex and men in general after awhile. 

I wonder if a change would help her?


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> If she's a pretty lady (And is sounds like she is) and she works in a restaurant wearing what you describe, then she probably gets leered at and hit on all the damn time.
> 
> I can kinda, sorta see how a woman in those conditions might gradually adopt a jaundiced view of sex and men in general after awhile.
> 
> I wonder if a change would help her?



Hi Ocotillo,

you comment makes me somewhat angry, not at you but at my wife. 

So she dress nice for everybody but turns me down? WTF? I think that if you dress in a certain way it's because you want to be looked at in a certain way. 

I am even more confused.

:scratchhead:


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Another Update.

No sex for more than a week now. I am more concerned by the lack of intimacy than the lack of sex.

We had several argument this week for silly things.

I start to think that the sex we had was just a "phase". 

She still dresses nice and wears sexy underwear at work. On her day off she says "I want the day to myself" so she went shopping and watched tv show in bed while drinking wine. 
I felt being there or not would have not make any difference to her.

I am really frustrated so I focus on my hobbies. It's unbelievable to me that I am in this situation only after 6 months of marriage.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Mishy, you need to start investigating harder/better. When she goes "shopping" then you find a way to track her. For all you know she went for a rendezvous with someone else and then came home to sip on wine in bed wallowing in the bliss of her secret satisfaction.

If I were you I'd be snooping... ALOT. Just because she left her laptop open/on and you found nothing doesn't mean a thing. You need to install a keylogger on the laptop and you need to put a VAR in her car and find a way to GPS her where she goes.

The way she treats you + only 6 months of marriage + this whole sexy underwear thing just stinks to high heaven. Something is rotten here and you need to uncover the truth...


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Please suggest a trip to doctor, should could be suffering a hormonal imbalance that causes depression symptoms.

I had problems with depression and low sex drive on birth control pills.

OR...on another note, I hate to mention but...

I wouldn't rule out showing up to her work at "unannounced times" near the beginning or end of her shift to see her and guage her reaction. If she is up to no good she will be mad/not happy to see you or uncomfortable. Also you will be able to see if she wears her wedding ring while working.

I know of a few women who were unhappy with their marriage but instead of working on it, they would go for girls night out and take off their rings to see if any "better" man would try to pick them up, to see if they had a better option. See some people won't leave a relationship until they have an "upgrade" (in their mind an upgrade anyway) lined up to take care of them.
Only you can be a judge of whether or not she is like that.
(PS these three women I mentioned are sisters and all but one is now divorecd, the third has admitted cheating but goes back to husband to take care of her)

I would rule out this senario for my own piece of mind.
Not trying to hurt your feeling but just because you didn't find affair, doesn't mean she isn't possibly considering it. Best to stop it before it starts, just food for thought.
Best of luck


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mishy said:


> She still dresses nice and wears sexy underwear at work. On her day off she says "I want the day to myself" so she went shopping and watched tv show in bed while drinking wine.
> I felt being there or not would have not make any difference to her.


This is all a huge red flag for me. I think you may need to have her followed, or do it yourself. There's a lot that doesn't add up at all here.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Bottled Up said:


> Mishy, you need to start investigating harder/better. When she goes "shopping" then you find a way to track her. For all you know she went for a rendezvous with someone else and then came home to sip on wine in bed wallowing in the bliss of her secret satisfaction.
> 
> If I were you I'd be snooping... ALOT. Just because she left her laptop open/on and you found nothing doesn't mean a thing. You need to install a keylogger on the laptop and you need to put a VAR in her car and find a way to GPS her where she goes.
> 
> The way she treats you + only 6 months of marriage + this whole sexy underwear thing just stinks to high heaven. Something is rotten here and you need to uncover the truth...



Hello Bottled Up,

We don't have a car, she went shopping taking the bus (there is a good public transport system where we live) and she stayed away for less than 2 hours. It takes at least 20-30 minutes to go to the mall and back with the bus. She actually bought a few clothes and she texted me while she was there. I don't think she would have time to meet with someone but anything is possible.

A few days ago I checked her mobile phone and it's clean. 

At this point I think she may be attracted (emotional affair?) to someone at her workplace. I have no chance to check her finishing time because being a restaurant people finish to work when all the guest leave and then they have to clean up.




reset button said:


> Please suggest a trip to doctor, should could be suffering a hormonal imbalance that causes depression symptoms.
> 
> I had problems with depression and low sex drive on birth control pills.
> 
> ...


I tried to talk to her about seeing a doctor but she doesn't want to. She had troubles with sleep and I suggested to go to a sleep specialist/doctor/clinic for a check up or even just for a talk. But she refuses firmly.

Thing is that when things are good she says things like "you are stuck with me", "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever". 

Why would she turn to someone else instead of talking to me? Is she seeking approval trying "test" other men? This sounds like an immature (teenage) way of thinking to me.

I am sticking to be healty/looking good/exercize/doing things that I enjoy, but there is a lot going on in my mind right now. I don't know what to think and what to do.




Browncoat said:


> > Originally Posted by Mishy
> > She still dresses nice and wears sexy underwear at work. On her day off she says "I want the day to myself" so she went shopping and watched tv show in bed while drinking wine.
> > I felt being there or not would have not make any difference to her.
> 
> ...


Well, I will try to do that but it's not going to be easy. We don't have cars, people at the restaurant know me. I will find a way, maybe I will drop in at the restaurant one night and try to surprise her.


I am thinking to write a letter to her expressing my concerns/feelings/needs/etc. Maybe it's more effective than talking. 

Do you think is a good idea?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

This may not apply to your situation, but for some women, sex is often only appealing for the alluring process. Once the subject is caught, sex is no longer appealing and they move on to the next unsuspecting prospect. If this does apply to your situation, it will take some therapy to undo this kind of thinking process - and the sooner the better. One way to find out is to take away the ideal that you are caught and see what happens. Does she come running, when she thinks you may be on the lookout for others yourself - and then when secure - she stops the sex again? 

This is sometimes referred to bait and switch. These women don't do it on purpose and often don't even know they do it. Its a warped thinking pattern about sex. Thus the need for therapy!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mishy said:


> Well, I will try to do that but it's not going to be easy. We don't have cars, people at the restaurant know me. I will find a way, maybe I will drop in at the restaurant one night and try to surprise her.
> 
> 
> I am thinking to write a letter to her expressing my concerns/feelings/needs/etc. Maybe it's more effective than talking.
> ...


I've never had to have anyone followed, but right off the top of my head maybe ask a friend to follow her with a camera as a favor. A friend she doesn't recognize. Another option would be to hire someone, but that costs $$$.

You could try writing a letter, but if she were cheating kind of doubt she'd come clean... who knows. At this point though you don't know for sure, just some odd signs.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Mishy said:


> Thing is that when things are good she says things like "you are stuck with me", "I love you forever", "I want to be with you forever".


All people say that. The marriage vows include, "until death do us part." Many people don't mean it.



Mishy said:


> Why would she turn to someone else instead of talking to me? Is she seeking approval trying "test" other men? This sounds like an immature (teenage) way of thinking to me.


She could be pursuing a man for any number of reasons. Maybe flirting with other men strokes her ego, making her feel like she has many options. Perhaps she's dissatisfied with you.



Mishy said:


> I am sticking to be healty/looking good/exercize/doing things that I enjoy, but there is a lot going on in my mind right now. I don't know what to think and what to do.


If you were just talking about a lack of sex, absent the red flags, I would recommend sticking to self-improvement. But that's a slow process that will take months or years to come to fruition. Given the red flags in your marriage, you don't have that kind of time. So I recommend stepping up your surveillance on her computer and phone, and then confronting her. If you've been able to gather evidence of an affair, then hit her with that. If not, tell her the lack of intimacy is unacceptable. Tell her that you've noticed indicators of an affair and ask if she's having an affair. If she admits it, then deal with that. If she denies it, tell her that you will kick her out if you discover an affair. If she knows the consequences beforehand, she may refrain from any, or further, activity.



Mishy said:


> I am thinking to write a letter to her expressing my concerns/feelings/needs/etc. Maybe it's more effective than talking.
> 
> Do you think is a good idea?


A letter is a good idea for organising your thoughts. But DON'T give it to her. A letter comes across as whining without the courage for a face to face confrontation. It exudes weakness.

Spend a few days writing the letter and imagining her responses to your points. Then think up responses to her points. At that point, throw the letter out and have a conversation.

Good luck.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Mishy said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I would appreciate a lot any opinion on my situation.
> 
> ...


Hello, fellow meal ticket.Sorry that you are only now finding out you are just somebody to help financially.
It sounds like she is giving it up to somebody else and is keeping you around merely for convenience. 
Sis the two of you have sexual contact before marrying? If not, she has decided that you don't "measure up" in some way and this is her way addressing it.
If you did have physical sex before the marriage, then she knew about any shortcomings you had and we are back to your being the money supply.
Dump her and do better the next time.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> A letter is a good idea for organising your thoughts. But DON'T give it to her. A letter comes across as whining without the courage for a face to face confrontation. It exudes weakness.
> 
> Spend a few days writing the letter and imagining her responses to your points. Then think up responses to her points. At that point, throw the letter out and have a conversation.
> 
> Good luck.


I wrote the letter, and gave it to her.

I could not talk to her anymore. I needed to communicate my feelings without being interrupted or lead into an argument that had nothing to do with what I was trying to express.

At first she was mad, but then she replied, saying that I don't have to worry about the underwear thing and that it's immature from me to be worried.
She also apoligized for being so hard to talk to and promised to make an effort. Work is taking a lot of energy out of her and that I should try to be more understanding and that she is commetted to me and our marriage.

I said to her that I am committed to the marriage and to her and that I want to see some effort on her side, not just word and promises.

I am trying also to set some boundaries, saying "no" more often, and to get more respect. I guess there is a ton of work to do.

I am considering a keylogger for the laptop, and gps tracker and a var to put in her purse, can anyone give me some advice on those devices/softwares on what to choose best (even via PM)?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why would she marry you if she wasn't really that "into" you and didn't wish to have sex with you? Hmmm.. This is a tough one..... I assume you have a job or some other source of income? I assume you pay a portion or most of her bills?


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Mishy, 

Here is my take. It's possible people at work, either employees or customers, do flirt with her, it makes her feel sexy, so she dresses the part. So it comes to... do you make her feel sexy?

Do things for her, just little dumb things. Tell her she's beautiful when she first wakes up, then walk off. This says hey I see you, but I don't expect anything from you. Send her a text during work that says I was just thinking of you, hope your shift is going great, it says hey I'm thinking of you. Give her a back rub, but don't ask for anything in return, in fact, give her a foot rub, she's on her feet all day. If you don't want to do it, get her a gift certificate to get it done somewhere else. Ask her to DO STUFF WITH YOU! My husband for years blamed me for not wanting to do anything with him, but he wouldn't ever really ask me, he's say it'd be nice if we took the boat out, then expect me to arrange it all and make it happen, don't be that guy, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Make it definite, will you go to the movie with me on Friday at 7:00. 

I know it's hard, she likes wine? Maybe buy a bottle of wine, drink it together and just talk, don't blame, at all. Woman will take any hint of "you're doing this" and make it into you blaming them for everything wrong in the world.

Okay, my personal experience is, some people on here are just super paranoid. If you don't think she's cheating... trust your instincts. If you do all of this stuff to "catch" her and don't find anything, you're going to feel like an a$$ for doing it. 

Oh... usually if people get upset when you say something, it's because it's hitting home. I could tell you that you're green. Would it bother you? What if everyone on the forum told you that you were purple? Would that bother you? How about if I say you're insecure? If you say something that works her up, chances are it hit on something she's been worried about herself. A man can say I love your curves, and a woman can instantly go to are you saying I'm fat!? The man didn't say that, the woman thought that already and took his words to mean that.

Take some time to work on yourself, make yourself happy, make yourself interesting. Get a new hobby, or dive back into one you have. Work on yourself, you get more confident ( you said you're working on it that's a HUGE turn on for women!). You can also work on building her up. Stop by her work, before you leave say I'm going to rock your world tonight. Send her a text later that says Can't wait for you to get home, I'm going to make you feel great! When she gets there, give her a massage, soft her, hold her... don't ask for sex. There's a good chance she'll be ready for it before you ask anyway. Make her look forward to it, sounds like maybe your sex life is getting boring for her.

And as our MC says... be ARM CANDY! This is more than just being dressed nice, but that's nice too, be that guy that a woman can say, I wish that was MY husband. I wish MY husband did that... 

Good luck! And good for you for wanting to make things better.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Why would she marry you if she wasn't really that "into" you and didn't wish to have sex with you? Hmmm.. This is a tough one..... I assume you have a job or some other source of income? I assume you pay a portion or most of her bills?


Exactly! She was a single waitress looking at middle age. Not having a car, I'm guessing she does not make a whole lot and does not get out much. Moreover, waitressing is a physically demanding job (harded to do as you age and she's working the nights and weekends serving the folks who are out enjoying themselves rather than being one of them.

I'll be honest. The thought of doing that for the next 30 years would seem bleak to me as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Mishy said:


> I am trying also to set some boundaries, saying "no" more often, and to get more respect. I guess there is a ton of work to do.


Keep doing what you are doing and, as Dr. G says, detach from the outcome.

You can't control your wife, so quit trying. Forget all the stupid keylogger stuff, etc. Pay attention to her actions. Pay attention to your boundaries. Keep working on yourself. She fell in love with a hot shot version of you. Be that guy.

You can live without sex until you get yourself in a confident enough place that you would leave your wife if she doesn't meet your desires.

You are doing well - keep going.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Riven said:


> Mishy,
> 
> Here is my take. It's possible people at work, either employees or customers, do flirt with her, it makes her feel sexy, so she dresses the part. So it comes to... do you make her feel sexy?
> 
> ...


Hi Riven,

Thank you for your post. My attitude is changing since my last post. I am not looking for/expecting sex anymore. I am working on myself and my hobbies and interests.
Somewhat I feel relieved. My mind is not worried so much on the "problem". I have more time to feel happy for myself.

We had our anniversary (not of marriage but of the day we got together) and I gave her a nice card, then had flowers delivered, and then took her out for dinner. We had a great day overall and a very pleasant night. I did not expect any sex and it did not happen. But I didn't get any card or present. I would have really liked a card, but I didn't say anything that day because I wanted to enjoy being with her without fights. She has never been someone that writes cards though.

I will try to flirt more, but I don't think that's going to help my case because I think she would perceive it as me wanting sex.


@ DTO this is a temporary situation. We could have got a car but since we just moved here I wanted to save some money for something bigger (house) so she choose to work at the restaurant because she has experience and she can make a lots of money. It a very fine restaurant. Her job is not in the restaurant industry (and she is qualified) but the pay is much lower. I know people that have cars and then they have huge debts or have declared bankrupt. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for not having a car. I just don't like to live above my possibilities and I am not ashamed of that.


@ FormerNiceGuy

Thanks for the support! I believe that the spy stuff is bad, so I will stick to observing her actions. If she wants to cheat on me there is not much I can do. I believe that if man/woman decide to cheat there is nothing that can stop him/her.
My mind is much clearer now that I am no longer worried about pleasing others and sacrificing myself for them.


M.


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