# Wife is getting REALLY fat.



## topaz

I don't want to sound like an ass but it's becoming a huge problem.

We are in our 40's. When we started dating she was 120 pounds. She is now 220 pounds. I have gained 20 - 25 pounds since high school all after quitting smoking a few years ago. I am working out and trying to lose it.

The problem is this. She has zero girl game. Doesn't try to be sexy. Doesn't initiate. Seems to be low desire. So it's up to me to do all the work.

My past experience with heavier girls is they usually go out of there to be exceptional in other areas to make up for the fact they are overweight.

I love my wife and will continue to love her. But it would seem that love and attraction are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I am now getting completely unattracted to her. She has gained 100 pounds. She does not wear it well. I don't think it's even possible to wear 100 pounds well. She does not put any effort into our sex life. She does not try to be sexy at all.

I have hinted at her working out, I have offered to do it with her, I have cooked healthy meals (but she just snacks later on on something unhealthy because it didn't "fill' her) I'm out a ideas.

I haven't been blunt and to the point about her being fat and me being unattracted for a few reasons. One I don't want to be mean and hurt her. Two.... our sex life is already lacking and I"m quite sure this would kill it completely. I'm still attractive and get attention all the time from other woman even friends of my wifes. I don't cheat.

I don't know what to do here. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed and maybe I deserve it. But attraction is not a choice. I'm fine with a few extra pounds. Even 30 or 40 pounds. I was even fine up to about 175 pounds which was a 55 pound weight gain. But passed that I just can't ignore it. I have always found fat a total turn off. Combine that with no other stimulation.... because she basically leaves me to run the show...... and I'm hand tied. I still want to be sexual.... because I enjoy it and I like to connect with her... but I'm not physically stimulated. And she's generally not engaging me otherwise... therefore I find I am initiating less and less.


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## ChristianGrey

Is she blaming you of having a LD and suggesting you to seek advise?


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## Observer

I'm not sure why anyone would "flame" you, it's understandable imho. She sounds depressed. Try an intervention with her family so she goes to see someone. Once her mind is right, and you approach her the right way, maybe you can exercise as a couple. Sorry for you though, that is tough. Keep telling her you love her though, she needs help I think.


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## topaz

No she's not blaming me LD. She is really LD so she still thinks I'm HD. But I do me way more than I do her. 

Funny thing is a few years ago she thought she was depressed and started anti-depressents. She did that for about 6 months. And gained a good chunk of weight at that time. She hasn't been on them for a long time but she never lost the weight.

I dont' think she feels depressed right now. But if she is and needs medication than I guess she needs it. But I would fear she will gain even more weight!


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## PBear

Has she always been LD? 

The weight could be a "keep away from me" device for her. She doesn't want you to bug her for sex. If she's obese, you're not sexuality interested in her. Problem solved, without her having to reject you. 

How is your relationship otherwise? 

Frankly, I think you have two ways to go on this. There's the health approach. At her weight, getting older is going to be very negatively impacted. She will lose mobility, and health issues will be rampant. You want to continue being able to "do stuff" with her in the future. So talk to her about this. 

Another approach is to tell it like it is. Your marriage is in trouble. Intimacy and attractiveness are key issues right now, but you may just want to focus on marriage counselling in general, and work on things naturally. 

C


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## norajane

She probably is depressed, still. She knows how much weight she's gained, and there are very, very few women who are ok with gaining 100 pounds. That depression is probably causing her to eat more, to stuff her emotions down with food. It's a vicious circle, and she likely feels hopeless to get control of it so it's easier not to try. Getting control of it probably seems overwhelming to her.

She also probably feels very unsexy, and highly self-conscious of her weight during sex. That makes her not want sex.

Add any health issues she might be experiencing because of her weight, and I would guess she's not as content as you think she is.

Unfortunately, weight is a complex issue with individual nuances. I don't know what is a good, positive way to help someone get started with the long weight loss journey if they themselves haven't decided they want to do so. As you've already seen for yourself, you can try to buy and cook only healthy food, you can suggest going for walks after dinner or taking a tennis class together or whatever, but if she isn't interested in dealing with the problem, it won't change. 

Sometimes only a health scare gets through to some people. Has she been to a doctor to get her blood sugar checked for diabetes or her heart and cholesterol checked?  Do you think that would help her realize she needs to get control of this before it kills her?


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## Flying_Dutchman

#1 cause of overeating is low self-esteem.

An ongoing depressive state can do it.

All that docile passivity. See how much of this she fits.

Avoidant personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe

Good evening topaz
maybe a different approach. Drop any comments about the effect on how attractive she is, but instead focus on the health issues.


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## topaz

Thanks for the responses. One thing though.... no one had directly responded to whether or not I should have a blunt conversation and say.... look I love you and I am still attracted to you....BUT... your weight is effecting that attraction and although I still love you, attraction is not a choice. Additionally, I want us to be healthy so we can do fun things. I have no interest in pushing someone around in a wheel chair when they get older simply because they CHOSE to let themselves go.

Thoughts?


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## ConanHub

You know your wife best. You have to decide about conversation. My wife quit smoking several years ago and gained 40-50 lbs. She is 5' tall so this was a lot. She was not to happy with it but I just kept on her like an animal sexually. I always initiated and a lot. I kept up non stop sexual tension and I took her an astounding amount of times. I always made sure she was very exhausted and fully satisfied every time.

She started looking into different exercises and was frustrated but I always lovingly supported her and told her I loved her no matter what. I never once backed off the sex and affection, I actually poured it on heavier than ever.

She developed an interest in working out and I supported"her" interest. My focus stayed solely on loving that woman till she couldn't take any more. It was not just the sexual arena, I spent all my time with her, even shopped with her. We watched movies and still took her out to eat. 

I never brought her weight up once. I just went full.throttle with her in life and love.

I took no notice of her weight. I just loved her each day like it was my last.

It took a couple of years but she finally found exercises she liked and joined the Y.

Today her body could easily be displayed in Playboy and I have never slowed down on the loving. All aspects and full throttle.

Worked wonders here. Have fun.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feeling-Lonely

My husband always says: "you need to go for a run" Not for your body but for your mind. Exercise does wonders for emotional lows. Tell her that you love her and are worried abut her well being. 

If she has problems exercising by her self suggest walking/running groups. Excess weight is a common problem now days and there are more support groups than you can count.

In fact my H and I have an agreement that we would speak up if one or both started gaining too much weight.


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## lucy999

topaz said:


> Thanks for the responses. One thing though.... no one had directly responded to whether or not I should have a blunt conversation and say.... look I love you and I am still attracted to you....BUT... your weight is effecting that attraction and although I still love you, attraction is not a choice. Additionally, I want us to be healthy so we can do fun things. I have no interest in pushing someone around in a wheel chair when they get older simply because they CHOSE to let themselves go.
> 
> Thoughts?


Tread verrrry carefully. I'm not sure if this is the way to go. 

If my BF told me what you describe above, I would be MORTIFIED. It would increase my depression and low self-esteem. I would feel as though he's judging my every bite of food and it would create tremendous pressure for me. It wouldn't help me; it'd be to our detriment as a couple. 

That said, if he didn't discuss my appearance but came merely from a health angle, I'd still be embarrassed and mortified, but not as much.

But then again, I'd want to know if he's not as attracted to me because I wouldn't want him stepping out on me. And he has every right to tell me how he feels.

To quote Run DMC: It's trick-ay.


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## Flying_Dutchman

Yep. As Conan and Lucy say,, you know her better than we do,, she might appreciate the honesty or she might be devastated. If her esteem is low, devastated is more likely.

Communication is usually a good thing but if someone is sensitive to something you have to be careful how you communicate that to them.

If you can't find stealth means of getting her to exercise or eat less, I guess you may have to tell her before you find you can't pretend any more but, while you can, I'd exhaust the stealth route first.

Only you can assess that point,,, and I don't envy you. That's a tough place to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Hey, I get it. Love and attraction are intertwined but separate, and your wife has gained a lot. If my husband gained 100 pounds I wouldn't be attracted to him either, though I'd still love him.

I would be careful with the health thing though, eve though it is valid us women know exactly what that means. When men bring that up it's only part of it, the attraction this is always part of it.....not trying to vilify anyone but it is what it is. We're keenly aware of how weight gain is viewed, probably more so then men as we get a lot of messages from society about how we should look. Your wife knows she's gotten really fat; whether it's purposeful to keep you away I wouldn't know but she knows.

I might consider approaching her when you're both relaxed and ask her if she's feeling well (she can't be feeling well with all that weight). Tell her you've noticed she's put on a little weight and of course you love her and you've gained some weight yourself so you get how it happens (leave out the part where she's gained a lot more as it's irrelevant to this conversation) but you know she can't feel well. Tell her if you can be of support in any way you're at her disposal, and you know this is sensitive for women but you wanted her to know that. 

She might blow up but that's a storm you'll have to weather; you have to step up and say something, but like others have said tread carefully. Make no mention about attraction, at least initially, because that will not be well received and believe me when I say your wife already knows it. Whether she cares about that is another matter but I think the feeling well approach is the least of evils.


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## As'laDain

ConanHub said:


> You know your wife best. You have to decide about conversation. My wife quit smoking several years ago and gained 40-50 lbs. She is 5' tall so this was a lot. She was not to happy with it but I just kept on her like an animal sexually. I always initiated and a lot. I kept up non stop sexual tension and I took her an astounding amount of times. I always made sure she was very exhausted and fully satisfied every time.
> 
> She started looking into different exercises and was frustrated but I always lovingly supported her and told her I loved her no matter what. I never once backed off the sex and affection, I actually poured it on heavier than ever.
> 
> She developed an interest in working out and I supported"her" interest. My focus stayed solely on loving that woman till she couldn't take any more. It was not just the sexual arena, I spent all my time with her, even shopped with her. We watched movies and still took her out to eat.
> 
> I never brought her weight up once. I just went *full.throttle* with her in life and love.
> 
> I took no notice of her weight. I just loved her each day like it was my last.
> 
> It took a couple of years but she finally found exercises she liked and joined the Y.
> 
> Today her body could easily be displayed in Playboy and I have never slowed down on the loving. All aspects and* full throttle*.
> 
> Worked wonders here. Have fun.��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i find that full throttle energy drinks curb my appetite. so the full throttle route makes sense.


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## Starstarfish

> Funny thing is a few years ago she thought she was depressed and started anti-depressents. She did that for about 6 months. And gained a good chunk of weight at that time. She hasn't been on them for a long time but she never lost the weight.


I realize you used the "funny thing" here ironically, but really - this probably has a lot more to do with it than you might imagine. Why did she suddenly stop taking the medication? What has she done since? Depression rarely just ups and disappears, so if she now in counseling or trying alternative therapy or ... ?


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## Youngster

OP,
I'm in the same boat as you. I've managed to stay roughly the same weight my whole life, wife has put on about 100 lbs over the years.

The attraction thing is hard, really hard. I've let my wife know that her weight is a problem and that I'm worried for her health. Tried all sorts of meal plans/etc but nothing really helps. I've nagged her to the point where she does walk every day but her weight has stayed the same.

Over the past few years I've been distraught over my wife's weight. It bothers you when you want intimacy, when you do activities, when you're out in public and your embarrassed by your wife's appearance.

I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you. Only YOU know what is ultimately a dealbreaker for you. Only SHE can lose the weight and she'll only do it when she is motivated to do it. Nothing you say or do will change her until she wants to change herself. I've tried everything and all I get from it is arguments or tears.

Unfortunately this probably isn't what you were hoping to hear but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone.


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## Yeswecan

ConanHub said:


> You know your wife best. You have to decide about conversation. My wife quit smoking several years ago and gained 40-50 lbs. She is 5' tall so this was a lot. She was not to happy with it but I just kept on her like an animal sexually. I always initiated and a lot. I kept up non stop sexual tension and I took her an astounding amount of times. I always made sure she was very exhausted and fully satisfied every time.
> 
> She started looking into different exercises and was frustrated but I always lovingly supported her and told her I loved her no matter what. I never once backed off the sex and affection, I actually poured it on heavier than ever.
> 
> She developed an interest in working out and I supported"her" interest. My focus stayed solely on loving that woman till she couldn't take any more. It was not just the sexual arena, I spent all my time with her, even shopped with her. We watched movies and still took her out to eat.
> 
> I never brought her weight up once. I just went full.throttle with her in life and love.
> 
> I took no notice of her weight. I just loved her each day like it was my last.
> 
> It took a couple of years but she finally found exercises she liked and joined the Y.
> 
> Today her body could easily be displayed in Playboy and I have never slowed down on the loving. All aspects and full throttle.
> 
> Worked wonders here. Have fun.��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a bit late in this thread but this is how I address my wife weight that she never lost after our first child. She has tried but gets frustrated and gives up the weight loss programs. One day she will go head long into it. I do not push her. However, she is a sexual dynamo and I do find her very attractive from day one at 120 lbs to to at 200 lbs. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.


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## PBear

*Re: Re: Wife is getting REALLY fat.*



Yeswecan said:


> I'm a bit late in this thread but this is how I address my wife weight that she never lost after hour first child. She has tried but gets frustrated and gives up the weight loss programs. One day she will go head long into it. I do not push her. However, she is a sexual dynamo and I do find her very attractive from day one at 120 lbs to to at 200 lbs. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.


Being late is OK. Thread's not over till the fat lady sings. Sorry, couldn't resist! 

And you're right. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I can't blame him for not being attracted. 

C


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## ConanHub

Yeswecan said:


> I'm a bit late in this thread but this is how I address my wife weight that she never lost after hour first child. She has tried but gets frustrated and gives up the weight loss programs. One day she will go head long into it. I do not push her. However, she is a sexual dynamo and I do find her very attractive from day one at 120 lbs to to at 200 lbs. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder.


Don't give up. Be insatiable about every aspect of life with her.

Took my wife some time. My goal was to simply fill her to overcapacity with love from every angle. I didn't care that she lost the weight except for how it made her feel.

Best wishes. P.S. My wife tried and failed many times before she found what clicked with her. How healthy is your kitchen? Have you tried paleo and organic/local grown food?


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## Yeswecan

ConanHub said:


> Don't give up. Be insatiable about every aspect of life with her.
> 
> Took my wife some time. My goal was to simply fill her to overcapacity with love from every angle. I didn't care that she lost the weight except for how it made her feel.
> 
> Best wishes. P.S. My wife tried and failed many times before she found what clicked with her. How healthy is your kitchen? Have you tried paleo and organic/local grown food?


This is the way I approach it. We eat healthy. Portion control. Need to work on that. So do I.


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## ChargingCharlie

My wife was always a bit on the heavy side since we met (never obese, but she was overweight). She had an epiphany after we came back from a vacation a few years back when she saw pictures of herself and was mortified - she did a weight loss program and started exercising and lost 50 lbs. Got all kinds of comments on how good she looked (we have some pictures from around that time, and she did look good).

However, a major life event took hold (nothing bad, mind you), and since then, she's put most of the weight back on, and her eating habits are back to her old ways (like the OP, she wants to eat something that fills her up). She has tried some things, but she says that she can't find the time to eat right or exercise due to the kids. My theory is that she's lazy and uses the kids as a crutch, but who knows?

Hang in there - one day she will realize that she needs to do something, and will then make the effort.


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## tulsy

topaz said:


> ...
> We are in our 40's. When we started dating she was 120 pounds. She is now 220 pounds....


The old bait-n-switch. You married a thin woman who became fat.



topaz said:


> ...
> The problem is this. She has zero girl game. Doesn't try to be sexy. Doesn't initiate. Seems to be low desire. So it's up to me to do all the work...


No doubt. She probably doesn't feel too sexy carrying the extra weight, and she probably knows how you feel about her weight...your body language towards her is likely letting her know that you're not as interested in her anymore.



topaz said:


> ...
> 
> I have hinted at her working out, I have offered to do it with her, I have cooked healthy meals (but she just snacks later on on something unhealthy because it didn't "fill' her) I'm out a ideas.
> 
> I haven't been blunt and to the point about her being fat and me being unattracted for a few reasons. One I don't want to be mean and hurt her. Two.... our sex life is already lacking and I"m quite sure this would kill it completely. I'm still attractive and get attention all the time from other woman even friends of my wifes. I don't cheat.... she's generally not engaging me otherwise... therefore I find I am initiating less and less.


You should be able to talk to your wife about anything. She's your best friend...tell her that, and then tell her you want to grow old and healthy together, so you want to make sure that you are both taking good care of each other. Then start talking and take charge....

Do you both work?
Who does most of the cooking?
Do you watch a lot of TV? Either of you?

I would say take charge and become DIRECTOR of the healthy lifestyle. If you watch a lot of TV, back off a bit and get more active. If you ARE watching, try Biggest Loser, which may help inspire her to loose the weight, WITH YOU, as a team!

You should take over the bulk of the cooking and shopping for food, and rid the house of unhealthy snacks. YOU should go shopping together, but stick to the outer aisles, fresh veg, fruit and meats. Learn about healthy eating and implement it. COOK FOR YOUR FAMILY. Get her to be your sou-chef, she can do meat trimming and clean up while you wash and cut the veg...teamwork.

Cook savory foods, not sweet. Get sugar our of your lives, and bring back butter and healthy fats. If she MUST have something sweet, try yogurt (you can get multi-pack of individual yogurts, like key lime, lemon meringue, vanilla and coconut) and maybe a piece of dark chocolate, with 70% cacao.

For snacks, only get quality snacks, whole foods. Get some chick-peas, soak them over night in water, drain the next day and sprinkle with some of your favorite seasonings. Bake them for a tasty and healthy alternate snack. Unsalted nuts, dried apricots, things like that. 

More snack: fresh fruit! 

Avoid bread, rice, pasta, and noodles after lunch...these should not make it to the dinner plate.

Drink tea and water, never pop. 

Activity: Start small, but start somewhere. Ask her to go for a walk with you after dinner. Ask her about her day, talk about yours, catch up. Recall plans for trips you had and make plans to follow through. Repeat it every night, even if you are tired. Get up off the couch, look her in the eyes, smile and reach out your hand and tell her, "Let's go!". Don't even tell her where you are taking her, just take her for a walk and tell her it's a surprise. You can tell her after the fact you just wanted to go for a walk and spend some time with her.

Eventually, after walking for a month together, try P90 or TurboJam, or T25, or BrazilianButt or some other "at home" exercise program. Track your progress on paper in order to get results, and make SURE you compliment her.

A healthy diet, moderate to medium exercise and the added bonus of doing it together (both the cook and exercise) can add a MASSIVE spark back into the bedroom.

The talking, the togetherness, the cooking and shopping together, the "getting off the couch", the planning the future, the compliments, the good feelings all of this brings...it works, bro. She won't be as LD as she was, and the sex will be better than ever.


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## ChargingCharlie

Soda is a big thing - my wife drinks nothing but that, yet is always complaining of headaches, being tired, etc. I drink water usually, and I rarely have headaches. 

Regarding the sex life improving as you lose weight, this makes sense, but in our case, didn't work that way. She looked good, so self-esteem shouldn't have been an issue, but we only had sex a couple of times in that period of time.


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## ConanHub

tulsy said:


> The old bait-n-switch. You married a thin woman who became fat.
> 
> 
> 
> No doubt. She probably doesn't feel too sexy carrying the extra weight, and she probably knows how you feel about her weight...your body language towards her is likely letting her know that you're not as interested in her anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> You should be able to talk to your wife about anything. She's your best friend...tell her that, and then tell her you want to grow old and healthy together, so you want to make sure that you are both taking good care of each other. Then start talking and take charge....
> 
> Do you both work?
> Who does most of the cooking?
> Do you watch a lot of TV? Either of you?
> 
> I would say take charge and become DIRECTOR of the healthy lifestyle. If you watch a lot of TV, back off a bit and get more active. If you ARE watching, try Biggest Loser, which may help inspire her to loose the weight, WITH YOU, as a team!
> 
> You should take over the bulk of the cooking and shopping for food, and rid the house of unhealthy snacks. YOU should go shopping together, but stick to the outer aisles, fresh veg, fruit and meats. Learn about healthy eating and implement it. COOK FOR YOUR FAMILY. Get her to be your sou-chef, she can do meat trimming and clean up while you wash and cut the veg...teamwork.
> 
> Cook savory foods, not sweet. Get sugar our of your lives, and bring back butter and healthy fats. If she MUST have something sweet, try yogurt (you can get multi-pack of individual yogurts, like key lime, lemon meringue, vanilla and coconut) and maybe a piece of dark chocolate, with 70% cacao.
> 
> For snacks, only get quality snacks, whole foods. Get some chick-peas, soak them over night in water, drain the next day and sprinkle with some of your favorite seasonings. Bake them for a tasty and healthy alternate snack. Unsalted nuts, dried apricots, things like that.
> 
> More snack: fresh fruit!
> 
> Avoid bread, rice, pasta, and noodles after lunch...these should not make it to the dinner plate.
> 
> Drink tea and water, never pop.
> 
> Activity: Start small, but start somewhere. Ask her to go for a walk with you after dinner. Ask her about her day, talk about yours, catch up. Recall plans for trips you had and make plans to follow through. Repeat it every night, even if you are tired. Get up off the couch, look her in the eyes, smile and reach out your hand and tell her, "Let's go!". Don't even tell her where you are taking her, just take her for a walk and tell her it's a surprise. You can tell her after the fact you just wanted to go for a walk and spend some time with her.
> 
> Eventually, after walking for a month together, try P90 or TurboJam, or T25, or BrazilianButt or some other "at home" exercise program. Track your progress on paper in order to get results, and make SURE you compliment her.
> 
> A healthy diet, moderate to medium exercise and the added bonus of doing it together (both the cook and exercise) can add a MASSIVE spark back into the bedroom.
> 
> The talking, the togetherness, the cooking and shopping together, the "getting off the couch", the planning the future, the compliments, the good feelings all of this brings...it works, bro. She won't be as LD as she was, and the sex will be better than ever.


Great advice Tulsy! I used white hot passion but this is fantastic advise! OP. You can make a difference. I hope you don't give up and succeed! Best wishes!:smthumbup:


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## As'laDain

has anyone tried saying something along the lines of "wife, i am less attracted to you when you are overweight. i am sexually attracted to thinner women. when you gain weight, i lose sexual attraction for you. that means i spend less time thinking about you and more time thinking about anything else, because i feel like i should be attracted to you regardless, but the truth is, thats not the case."

if so, how did it work out?


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## jld

I would really feel hurt if I heard that. I don't think I would find it very motivating.


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## As'laDain

jld said:


> I would really feel hurt if I heard that. I don't think I would find it very motivating.


you value honesty right? what if it were the truth?


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## jld

Yes, it would be the transparent thing to do.

I guess you would have to decide if that would be the right thing to do, in those circumstances. It might be, especially if it were a dealbreaker.

And then she would have to decide if she would want to stay with you, knowing that.


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## As'laDain

jld said:


> Yes, it would be the transparent thing to do.
> 
> I guess you would have to decide if that would be the right thing to do, in those circumstances. It might be, especially if it were a dealbreaker.
> 
> And then she would have to decide if she would want to stay with you, knowing that.


sometimes you have to say something that will hurt the other person if you are to be completely transparent. 

that has always been the difficulty with transparency.


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## norajane

As'laDain said:


> has anyone tried saying something along the lines of "wife, i am less attracted to you when you are overweight. i am sexually attracted to thinner women. when you gain weight, i lose sexual attraction for you. that means i spend less time thinking about you and more time thinking about anything else, because i feel like i should be attracted to you regardless, but the truth is, thats not the case."
> 
> if so, how did it work out?


You could say all that, or you could say, "your weight is affecting our sex life." It amounts to the same thing, without being bombarded with "I'm unattracted, let me count the ways."

Still transparent, but less brutal.


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## As'laDain

norajane said:


> You could say all that, or you could say, "your weight is affecting our sex life." It amounts to the same thing, without being bombarded with "I'm unattracted, let me count the ways."
> 
> Still transparent, but less brutal.



i disagree. 

the truth is, if it causes a loss of attraction, it needs to be stated. "your weight affects our sex life" could just mean that we need to adopt different positions. it doesnt make the issue clear. 

changing the sex life isnt the problem. the problem is the desire to have sex diminishes if one partner is not attracted to the other. trying to sugar coat it is being dishonest. its like a lie of omission.


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## norajane

Overweight women know they're overweight. Even slender women believe they are too fat. 

Trust me, women know EXACTLY what it means when their man says anything about their weight. You really, really don't have to drum it into her head what it means when you bring up her weight.

The boys weren't into the fat girls in high school. That lesson has been reinforced in us super-effectively ever since.


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## As'laDain

norajane said:


> Overweight women know they're overweight. Even slender women believe they are too fat.
> 
> Trust me, women know EXACTLY what it means when their man says anything about their weight. You really, really don't have to drum it into her head what it means when you bring up her weight.
> 
> The boys weren't into the fat girls in high school. That lesson has been reinforced in us super-effectively ever since.


does that mean that the man they marry should lie about it to accommodate their feelings of insecurity?


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## norajane

As'laDain said:


> does that mean that the man they marry should lie about it to accommodate their feelings of insecurity?


There is no lie. Seriously, all you have to do is is say, "Hon, I'm worried about your weight gain." or "I've been noticing you've been gaining weight" I promise you 1000% that she will know every word of your suggested speech as soon as you say the word weight:



> has anyone tried saying something along the lines of "wife, i am less attracted to you when you are overweight. i am sexually attracted to thinner women. when you gain weight, i lose sexual attraction for you. that means i spend less time thinking about you and more time thinking about anything else, because i feel like i should be attracted to you regardless, but the truth is, thats not the case."


You can elaborate all you want, but it will just be hurtful if you keep going on with a litany. If she asks, feel free to elaborate. But she won't need to ask. 

You asked if anyone had tried your suggested approach. I'm telling you how it might be received by a woman. You don't have to agree with my perspective.


----------



## EleGirl

topaz,

How is your wife's sleep?

Does she have insomnia?

When she does sleep, does she snore or make noses like she' catching her breath?

Does she toss and turn a lot?

Does she do a lot of kicking when she's asleep?


----------



## As'laDain

norajane said:


> There is no lie. Seriously, all you have to do is is say, "Hon, I'm worried about your weight gain." or "I've been noticing you've been gaining weight" I promise you 1000% that she will know every word of your suggested speech as soon as you say the word weight:
> 
> 
> 
> You can elaborate all you want, but it will just be hurtful if you keep going on with a litany. If she asks, feel free to elaborate. But she won't need to ask.
> 
> You asked if anyone had tried your suggested approach. I'm telling you how it might be received by a woman. You don't have to agree with my perspective.


ok, so what if you say those things and she does nothing to fix it? are you supposed to suddenly become attracted to fat women? 

at some point, you have to be honest before you just give up on the whole marriage.


----------



## norajane

As'laDain said:


> ok, so what if you say those things and she does nothing to fix it? are you supposed to suddenly become attracted to fat women?
> 
> at some point, you have to be honest before you just give up on the whole marriage.


Yeah, but you don't need to use the nuclear option the first time you bring it up.

And you should first try and figure out what is going on that she's gained 100 pounds. No one gains that much weight for no reason.


----------



## As'laDain

norajane said:


> Yeah, but you don't need to use the nuclear option the first time you bring it up.
> 
> And you should first try and figure out what is going on that she's gained 100 pounds. No one gains that much weight for no reason.


why is it a nuclear option? married couples go long stretches with little sex all the time. if everything else is great, most men are not likely to leave. 

but when it comes to sex, anything less than honesty is a disservice. the wife has a right to know why sex is on the decline and how their weight affects their husband. beating around the bush can leave them thinking they can fix the problem in a way that does not address the problem itself. 


i dont believe that withholding this information does any good. it may be a painful thing for a woman to hear, but is it any more painful than it is for the man who feels like he has to act like he is attracted to someone he is not? 

doesnt she have a right to know exactly what the problem is? 

to be clear, i also believe in "aftercare" for a statement like this. in otherwords, if you tell your woman that her weight is causing you to lose sexual interest in her, then its your obligation to help her lose weight if she decides she wants to. i mean, if she is willing to do it for you, you should help her as much as you can. 

maybe im just weird... but my own experiences dictate a lot of how i feel about things.


----------



## norajane

It's the nuclear option because those words can't be unsaid and forgotten. That's why we don't tell children in great detail how clumsy they are when they drop the ball - words have meanings and are remembered all too clearly when they are hurtful. 

I know some feel the need to say those words. Sure, that's enough of a reason to say them. It may not have the intended effect (it often doesn't because women who have gained 100 pounds are usually pretty unhappy and desperate to lose it), and then you have those words sitting there between you. You have to make a decision about the marriage. How can you stay married if she doesn't lose the weight after what you said? Are you ready to leave? If so, bombs away.


----------



## bravenewworld

As'laDain said:


> has anyone tried saying something along the lines of "wife, i am less attracted to you when you are overweight. i am sexually attracted to thinner women. when you gain weight, i lose sexual attraction for you. that means i spend less time thinking about you and more time thinking about anything else, because i feel like i should be attracted to you regardless, but the truth is, thats not the case."
> 
> if so, how did it work out?


Please don't do this OP. As'laDain I'm sure you wrote the above thinking of using honesty with good intentions, but I would compare the above speech to punishing a dog who pooped inside by rubbing their nose in the feces smeared carpet. It's unnecessary, not results-oriented, and overly cruel. 

As someone who has almost lost 50 lb (refusing to update my ticker until I do!) I can say two things almost certainly: Your wife feels awful about herself AND this is a hole she can't see her way out of. Yet. 

Now, I think it is perfectly reasonable to hold her hand and gently say something like the following:

*"Wife, when we got married I pictured us spending our entire lives together. I know you've gained quite a bit of weight in a short amount of time, and it makes me fearful because I'm aware of the serious health risks associated with being medically obese. It's hard for me to discuss this with you, because I love you and don't want to hurt your feelings, but as your husband your health is extremely important to me. I want us to spend our golden years enjoying our friends, family, and life in general. It would be tragic to be homebound, stuck using wheelchairs and oxygen tanks because we didn't take proper care of ourselves. 

I understand this is a lot to take in, but I just want you to know I am here to support you in creating, for both of us, a healthier lifestyle. If you'd like to get a physical at the doctor and/or join a weight loss support group like weight watchers, I will absolutely clear time in my schedule if you need me to be there to support you."*

You can't approach it with all the sex stuff. It's just bad news bears (even if it's the truth.) My advice is to focus on the bigger picture - her health and how that impacts your future together. 

Also while tulsy had great advice - I'd say start with small, easy stuff. Rome wasn't built in a day. Encourage her to drink lots of water, take walks, stretch daily, wrap her burgers/sandwiches in lettuce instead of a bun or use an english muffin, switch to diet soda, and take a probiotic every day. Just those simple changes and nothing else would probably have her losing at least 1-2 lbs a week. 

Remember, it's not a sprint - it's a marathon. You are entitled to your feelings though. It's sad this has come between you but the good news is it can change. I went from running less than a mile to doing ten mile runs. Size 14 to size 8 and sometimes even a 6. It took a long time to get in this place (and I still have further to go!) but if I can do it, truly anyone can. Nowadays I put most of my skinnier friends to shame, fitness-wise. 

I wish you both the best of luck!


----------



## bravenewworld

Oh and one other tip that has worked extremely well for me - only buy sweets in single serving sizes. If I want an ice cream - I go to Baskin Robbins and buy 1 scoop. If I want a cookie - I buy literally one cookie at McDonald's or Mrs. Field's. 

There's nothing worse than having full tubs of ice cream and boxes of cookies in the house! But totally giving them up (for me) doesn't work either. It's all about balance.


----------



## EleGirl

bravenewworld said:


> Oh and one other tip that has worked extremely well for me - only buy sweets in single serving sizes. If I want an ice cream - I go to Baskin Robbins and buy 1 scoop. If I want a cookie - I buy literally one cookie at McDonald's or Mrs. Field's.
> 
> There's nothing worse than having full tubs of ice cream and boxes of cookies in the house! But totally giving them up (for me) doesn't work either. It's all about balance.


I do something similar. If I cannot buy one, I buy the smallest package available. Eat one (two if small) and give the rest to my kids.


----------



## As'laDain

hey, if it works, go for it. 

however, i find it odd that we are supposed to be honest, except when it might hurt our spouses feelings. that sounds like a setup for covert contracts to me. 

barring a medical condition that makes them fat, anyone can lose weight. its pretty darn simple to do. exercise more and eat less and you lose weight. the missing ingredient is usually motivation.


----------



## bravenewworld

As'laDain said:


> hey, if it works, go for it.
> 
> however, i find it odd that we are supposed to be honest, except when it might hurt our spouses feelings. that sounds like a setup for covert contracts to me.
> 
> barring a medical condition that makes them fat, anyone can lose weight. its pretty darn simple to do. exercise more and eat less and you lose weight. the missing ingredient is usually motivation.


No one is saying don't be honest, however, the truth is multifaceted and we are saying focus on the things that aren't going to put up her defensive force shields so she'll actually listen to what he has to say. 

Personally, if my spouse was obese and likely suffering from severe depression, I would find it odd if I chose to focus 90% of a serious heart to heart with them about how their weight and depression was affecting my sexual attraction. There are bigger fish to fry. 

And if losing weight was so easy, there would be no fat people. Meanwhile, one in three adults age 20 and older is clinically obese. There are so many individual concerns that factor into long term weight loss that even when you are motivated it takes a while to find out what "works." 

Also, from the OP's initial post and the fact she is 100 lb overweight, depression is likely clouding her judgement and probably needs to be treated in conjunction with lifestyle change. Hopefully OP's concern will convince her to seek treatment for herself.


----------



## EleGirl

As'laDain said:


> hey, if it works, go for it.
> 
> however, i find it odd that we are supposed to be honest, except when it might hurt our spouses feelings. that sounds like a setup for covert contracts to me.
> 
> barring a medical condition that makes them fat, anyone can lose weight. its pretty darn simple to do. exercise more and eat less and you lose weight. the missing ingredient is usually motivation.


Yes being honest is important. 

Is the OP only concerned about his being attracted to his wife so that he can have more enjoyable sex with her? Or is he really concerned about the entire spectrum of problems caused by a 100 lb weight gain.

If his only concern is his own sex life, then sure he should tell his wife that this is the only thing about her that matters.... his sex life and her part in it. Then she can come to realize that she's married to a man who does not give a rats arse about her.

I'm hoping and assuming, as it seems others are, that his concern is not just his own sexual response but instead he's worried about what seem to be mental health and physical health issues that are related to his wife's 100 weight gain.

What is the truth here? I hope it's the second. If it's the first... she should dump him.


----------



## EleGirl

bravenewworld said:


> No one is saying don't be honest, however, the truth is multifaceted and we are saying focus on the things that aren't going to put up her defensive force shields so she'll actually listen to what he has to say.
> 
> *Personally, if my spouse was obese and likely suffering from severe depression, I would find it odd if I chose to focus 90% of a serious heart to heart with them about how their weight and depression was affecting my sexual attraction. There are bigger fish to fry. *


:iagree:



bravenewworld said:


> And if losing weight was so easy, there would be no fat people. Meanwhile, one in three adults age 20 and older is clinically obese. There are so many individual concerns that factor into long term weight loss that even when you are motivated it takes a while to find out what "works."
> 
> Also, from the OP's initial post and the fact she is 100 lb overweight, depression is likely clouding her judgement and probably needs to be treated in conjunction with lifestyle change. Hopefully OP's concern will convince her to seek treatment for herself.


There are many things beside the amount of food and exercise a person gets that can lead to weight gain and difficulty in losing the weight.


----------



## ariel_angel77

ConanHub said:


> You know your wife best. You have to decide about conversation. My wife quit smoking several years ago and gained 40-50 lbs. She is 5' tall so this was a lot. She was not to happy with it but I just kept on her like an animal sexually. I always initiated and a lot. I kept up non stop sexual tension and I took her an astounding amount of times. I always made sure she was very exhausted and fully satisfied every time.
> 
> She started looking into different exercises and was frustrated but I always lovingly supported her and told her I loved her no matter what. I never once backed off the sex and affection, I actually poured it on heavier than ever.
> 
> She developed an interest in working out and I supported"her" interest. My focus stayed solely on loving that woman till she couldn't take any more. It was not just the sexual arena, I spent all my time with her, even shopped with her. We watched movies and still took her out to eat.
> 
> I never brought her weight up once. I just went full.throttle with her in life and love.
> 
> I took no notice of her weight. I just loved her each day like it was my last.
> 
> It took a couple of years but she finally found exercises she liked and joined the Y.
> 
> Today her body could easily be displayed in Playboy and I have never slowed down on the loving. All aspects and full throttle.
> 
> Worked wonders here. Have fun.��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Conan you are just awesome. Your wife's a lucky woman.


----------



## PieceOfSky

I am approaching the 100 lbs greater than when we met mark. I'm 5'10, was about 165 lbs when we met 22+ years ago, and am currently at about 255 lbs.



I know I am fat, and that I have let myself go. That is, I know it when I think about it. But, often I am oblivious to it. Seeing photos of myself is shocking, but there somehow are very few of those.



Our sex life has been an issue for years, more like a decade and a half. Fifteen years ago, when life suddenly changed (kid #1) and sex became drudgery for her, IIRC I was about 195 - 200 lbs. I don't think I look fat at all in photos from that time frame.



In the last couple of years, it was revealed that she does not want to have sex with me because I am not attractive to her because of my weight. She admits, more or less, to being repulsed by me. Once, after returning from a trip to her family together, she angrily yelled that if I reach 300 lbs, she is divorcing me.



I can say that's not a helpful approach 



Our marriage tanked when I was still at a respectable weight. I feel like my weight is just a convenient rationalization for her to not clean up her side of the street. But, I also see, yeah, I am not attractive in the way she would hope, and I can respect that.



Similarly, there are things she should do differently for her health's sake, and for our kids and fir our marriage. It's quite possible my weight gain is my own passive-aggressive stand-off play. I have have wondered if in part my weight keeps me from having to choose between staying and leaving -- might as well stay if I'd just sink if I got back in the pool.



As it stands, I have to find motivation that has nothing to do with her or my sex life. To some extent, in spite of her. Still working on it.



Depression is a killer of motivation, and the meds often cause weight gain. Studies have shown exercise can be as effective as antidepressants , IIRC.



I was extremely sedentary. We did a fitness thing at work where we wore pedometers for a month or two. It was eye opening. Fitness trackers like the Fitbit, Jawbone Up*, and many others can be fun. Maybe that is something you can try to do together. There is a gamefication aspect to these, where you set goals and the progress is tracked on your on-line accounts, and you can "friend" each other and, well, provide some peer motivation.



For me, there was a big difference between doing nothing and walking just a bit more. It changed my outlook.


----------



## EleGirl

One of the best exercises for weight loss is sex. Having sex twice a week for a year is equivalent to running 90 miles in the year. On top of that, it get all sorts of good brain chemistry going..

Emotionally pulling away from an overweight person will do more to harm any chance of weight loss.


----------



## PieceOfSky

(My phone cut me off.)



I'd say weight is a serious issue for various reasons. It must be talked about. It will be harder to talk about once it is worse.



I see no point in bringing up the attraction issue right now. If it becomes necessary, consider stressing part of that issue is it us difficult to be attracted to someone who is not taking action to take have good self-care.



Research the benefits exercise has in countering depression.



Watch (alone at first) these two documentaries:



Forks over Knives

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead





You are ahead if you still love her and can make her feel desirable and loved. Especially loved.



Avoid setting up an adversarial relationship involving her weight. I am not proud to admit this, but some of humans do not do the the things we should, precisely when we are feeling pushed or shamed or bullied or goaded into doing it.


----------



## As'laDain

if it works, go for it. if not, keep cycling through the options. 

hopefully something will work.


----------



## As'laDain

topaz said:


> I don't want to sound like an ass but it's becoming a huge problem.
> 
> We are in our 40's. When we started dating she was 120 pounds. She is now 220 pounds. I have gained 20 - 25 pounds since high school all after quitting smoking a few years ago. I am working out and trying to lose it.
> 
> The problem is this. She has zero girl game. Doesn't try to be sexy. Doesn't initiate. Seems to be low desire. So it's up to me to do all the work.
> 
> My past experience with heavier girls is they usually go out of there to be exceptional in other areas to make up for the fact they are overweight.
> 
> I love my wife and will continue to love her. *But it would seem that love and attraction are not necessarily mutually exclusive*. *I am now getting completely unattracted to her*. She has gained 100 pounds. She does not wear it well. I don't think it's even possible to wear 100 pounds well. She does not put any effort into our sex life. She does not try to be sexy at all.
> 
> I have hinted at her working out, I have offered to do it with her, I have cooked healthy meals (but she just snacks later on on something unhealthy because it didn't "fill' her) I'm out a ideas.
> 
> *I haven't been blunt and to the point about her being fat and me being unattracted for a few reasons*. One I don't want to be mean and hurt her. Two.... our sex life is already lacking and I"m quite sure this would kill it completely. I'm still attractive and get attention all the time from other woman even friends of my wifes. I don't cheat.
> 
> I don't know what to do here. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed and maybe I deserve it.* But attraction is not a choice*. I'm fine with a few extra pounds. Even 30 or 40 pounds. I was even fine up to about 175 pounds which was a 55 pound weight gain. *But passed that I just can't ignore it. I have always found fat a total turn off*. Combine that with no other stimulation.... because she basically leaves me to run the show...... and I'm hand tied. *I still want to be sexual*.... because I enjoy it and I like to connect with her... *but I'm not physically stimulated*. And she's generally not engaging me otherwise... therefore I find I am initiating less and less.





EleGirl said:


> Yes being honest is important.
> 
> *Is the OP only concerned about his being attracted to his wife so that he can have more enjoyable sex with her?* Or is he really concerned about the entire spectrum of problems caused by a 100 lb weight gain.
> 
> If his only concern is his own sex life, then sure he should tell his wife that this is the only thing about her that matters.... his sex life and her part in it. Then she can come to realize that she's married to a man who does not give a rats arse about her.
> 
> I'm hoping and assuming, as it seems others are, that his concern is not just his own sexual response but instead he's worried about what seem to be mental health and physical health issues that are related to his wife's 100 weight gain.
> 
> What is the truth here? I hope it's the second. If it's the first... she should dump him.


he is trying to *stay* in love with someone he is no longer attracted to physically. being honest about it does not mean that he doesnt give a rats arse about her. 

he needs to be honest about it.


----------



## jld

Those are both good videos, Piece.

I would work on the weight loss. 100 lbs. is surely a health concern.


----------



## As'laDain

i think a bigger problem then the weight is that they arent having much sex anymore...


----------



## jld

She may need there to be some weight loss to feel attracted.


----------



## As'laDain

jld said:


> She may need there to be some weight loss to feel attracted.


who knows. all i know is that the OP has tried just about everything but honesty. while it may seem cruel, and i seem to get bashed a lot for it, i still believe that he should not spare her feelings at the expense of their marriage.


----------



## jld

I agree that he should be honest. And be willing to accept the consequences of that honesty.


----------



## As'laDain

jld said:


> I agree that he should be honest. *And be willing to accept the consequences of that honesty*.


 he is going to have to. the alternative, if nothing else works, is staying in a marriage where he disconnects and builds resentment. and we all know where that leads... divorce the hard way or divorce the hardest way.


----------



## EleGirl

As'laDain said:


> he is trying to *stay* in love with someone he is no longer attracted to physically. being honest about it does not mean that he doesnt give a rats arse about her.
> 
> he needs to be honest about it.


Apparently you think that the only thing that is important is that he is not sexually attracted to her any more and their sex life has tanked.

He says that his wife is depressed. But that the only medical attention he mentions. There are conditions that could lead to, or aggravate the weight gain. For example she gained weight on an antidepressants. Then she stopped them but seem to still be depressed.

There is at least one antidepressant that does not lead to weight gain, often leads to some weight loss. Not only that it increases a person's sex drive and give them a lot of energy: Wellbutrin (bupropion)

If she is depressed, she is not going to have the energy to lose weight. She sounds very depressed.

She needs to be checked out for sleep apnea... both obstructive and central. Sleep apnea causes weight gain. It also leads to depression, being tired all the time, and other mental health and physical health issues. If she has central sleep apnea, her oxygen levels during her sleep could be so low at night that it's causing a brain fog that makes the problem worse.

There is a reason that she gained weight. That reason has to be found. The main problem here is not his lack of attraction to her. The main problem is that she is tanking in a lot of ways, she does not have the mental and physical energy to look for the cause and find a solution. As a loving husband, the first thing he should be doing is to use his energy to help her.


----------



## jld

EleGirl said:


> As a loving husband, the first thing he should be doing is to use his energy to help her.


:iagree:


----------



## As'laDain

EleGirl said:


> Apparently you think that the only thing that is important is that he is not sexually attracted to her any more and their sex life has tanked.


no, whats apparent is that i am willing to look at facts. *he* spent most of his post talking about how he is losing attraction for his wife and doesnt know how to motivate her. *apparently*, i saw that he has only been hinting and his hints have not worked. how do you motivate someone who does not care about their health? who wont seek treatment for depression? who wont do anything about their weight?

when niceties and vague suggestions dont work, try... something else. 


are you really that adverse to spouses being honest with each other? does stating the truth somehow mean that he is saying that he is leaving? 

if my wife starts losing attraction for me i WANT to know about it. what i DONT want is for her to look at me one day and tell me that its over, i havent been fulfilling her for years, and she found someone new, all while i thought everything was going just peachy. if my wife waits to tell me until she is already gone, i will feel completely devastated and cheated out of my opportunity to fix things. 

but sure, by all means try everything. maybe wellbutrin will work for her. it made my wife throw knives at my head, but maybe it will work for her.
but if she wont try it... 
lets just try more nice lies.

they have helped her out so far, right?


----------



## jld

I don't think Ele is advocating lying. She is advocating priorities and leadership.


----------



## As'laDain

jld said:


> I don't think Ele is advocating lying. She is advocating priorities and leadership.


im sure she is. but i dont see all the fringe suggestions working on someone who is depressed. subtle suggestions dont help much when your depressed.


----------



## EleGirl

As'laDain said:


> im sure she is. but i dont see all the fringe suggestions working on someone who is depressed. subtle suggestions dont help much when your depressed.


I did not suggest "subtle suggestions".


----------



## EleGirl

As'laDain said:


> no, whats apparent is that i am willing to look at facts. *he* spent most of his post talking about how he is losing attraction for his wife and doesnt know how to motivate her. *apparently*, i saw that he has only been hinting and his hints have not worked. how do you motivate someone who does not care about their health? who wont seek treatment for depression? who wont do anything about their weight?
> 
> when niceties and vague suggestions dont work, try... something else.
> 
> 
> are you really that adverse to spouses being honest with each other? does stating the truth somehow mean that he is saying that he is leaving?
> 
> if my wife starts losing attraction for me i WANT to know about it. what i DONT want is for her to look at me one day and tell me that its over, i havent been fulfilling her for years, and she found someone new, all while i thought everything was going just peachy. if my wife waits to tell me until she is already gone, i will feel completely devastated and cheated out of my opportunity to fix things.
> 
> but sure, by all means try everything. maybe wellbutrin will work for her. it made my wife throw knives at my head, but maybe it will work for her.


Wellbutrin works for some people, not for others. That's the way it is with drugs. It can take a few trials to find the right drug for a person if that's what they need.



As'laDain said:


> but if she wont try it...
> lets just try more nice lies.
> 
> they have helped her out so far, right?


Again, you are assuming that the only truth that matters is the OP's sexual attraction to his wife.

And you are saying very clearly that to tell her that he is concerned about her health would be a lie.

If this is the case, she should not be in that marriage. It could explain her depression.


----------



## PieceOfSky

As'laDain said:


> im sure she is. but i dont see all the fringe suggestions working on someone who is depressed. subtle suggestions dont help much when your depressed.




Saying you are not attractive to me because you are fat doesn't help much either.





The weight must be talked about. And the depression must be too. The depression is most urgent.



The difference is in how things are framed, what points are emphasized, and in whether emotionally significant words are leveraged efficiently for a positive effect or dropped without awareness of their impact. 



I suspect Norajane is right about the 1000%. 



There is enough of a case to be made for healthy action on her part for reasons not touching on attraction. It does not seem he has fully made that case yet.



If all else fails, then escalate with the attraction issue, starting first with lack of self-care being a disappointment that can be hard to ignore. Emphasize, if true, the attraction is not all gone and the love still stays, but seeing attraction decline to zero is a possibility. And, it is hard to want to stick around while someone is not taking action to prevent, perhaps is even encouraging, a very early death preceded by an uncomfortable sedentary weight.


----------



## As'laDain

EleGirl said:


> Wellbutrin works for some people, not for others. That's the way it is with drugs. It can take a few trials to find the right drug for a person if that's what they need.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, you are assuming that the only truth that matters is the OP's sexual attraction to his wife.
> 
> *And you are saying very clearly that to tell her that he is concerned about her health would be a lie.
> *
> If this is the case, she should not be in that marriage. It could explain her depression.


go back and read his posts. is health what he is *most* concerned with?


----------



## Akinaura

EleGirl said:


> Again, you are assuming that the only truth that matters is the OP's sexual attraction to his wife.


EleGirl, the OP's first post on here was really focused on how he had lost his sexual attraction to his wife. He specifically mentioned he still loved her, but the sexual attraction was gone. I guess I'm not understanding how As'ladain's posts are to be tossed out of hand for focusing on that instead of the wife's depression?

I ask because I live daily with depression, and have a constant struggle with my weight due to the anti-depressants and the depression both not giving me a whole heck of a lot of reason to do anything but sit and eat...constantly.

I get that she may have underlying issues that need to be addressed, but how do you suggest the OP does this? By sitting her down saying "Sweetheart, I'm worried about your health, let's go get these tests done." It's not addressing his issue and instead asking him to curb his own emotions to solely meet hers. This is going to lead to resentment because his needs aren't getting met...just like they are now.

It would be better if he sat her down and said "Look, I know this may hurt you, but we have a problem in the marriage. I am losing my attraction to you because of your weight. I have tried hinting at eating better, I have tried hinting at working out together, but I don't think I've been heard. You can call me superficial, but at the end of the day, your weight is going to cause you more medical problems and I don't want to lose you to something we could have fixed years before simply because I stayed quiet."


----------



## PieceOfSky

As'laDain said:


> go back and read his posts. is health what he is *most* concerned with?




I did not see any concern about her health for her sake.



Regardless, if he is trying to motivate, he should start with some things first and use others as a last resort.



I agree with your wanting communication to be truthful, and the consequences of there being a gap in understanding is ultimately destructive. 



I think we disagree on timing, at least.


----------



## As'laDain

PieceOfSky said:


> I did not see any concern about her health for her sake.
> 
> 
> 
> Regardless, if he is trying to motivate, he should start with some things first and use others as a last resort.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with your wanting communication to be truthful, and the consequences of there being a gap in understanding is ultimately destructive.
> 
> 
> 
> I* think we disagree on timing, at least*.


probably so.

out of curiosity, were you successful in motivating a depressed overweight wife to address her issues?


----------



## bravenewworld

Akinaura said:


> EleGirl, the OP's first post on here was really focused on how he had lost his sexual attraction to his wife. He specifically mentioned he still loved her, but the sexual attraction was gone. I guess I'm not understanding how As'ladain's posts are to be tossed out of hand for focusing on that instead of the wife's depression?
> 
> I ask because I live daily with depression, and have a constant struggle with my weight due to the anti-depressants and the depression both not giving me a whole heck of a lot of reason to do anything but sit and eat...constantly.
> 
> I get that she may have underlying issues that need to be addressed, but how do you suggest the OP does this? By sitting her down saying "Sweetheart, I'm worried about your health, let's go get these tests done." It's not addressing his issue and instead asking him to curb his own emotions to solely meet hers. This is going to lead to resentment because his needs aren't getting met...just like they are now.
> 
> It would be better if he sat her down and said "Look, I know this may hurt you, but we have a problem in the marriage. I am losing my attraction to you because of your weight. I have tried hinting at eating better, I have tried hinting at working out together, but I don't think I've been heard. You can call me superficial, but at the end of the day, your weight is going to cause you more medical problems and I don't want to lose you to something we could have fixed years before simply because I stayed quiet."


From my perspective:

OP: My wife's hands look terrible - she takes zero pride in them and never manicures them. They are dry, shriveled, and often change color from blue to black. It's really gross and I have problems maintaining an erection when I see or feel them during intercourse. Should I let her know how unappealing I find this, how it affects our sex life, and how much better I like a woman with a french manicure and soft hands?

Response: That does sound super unappealing and I can understand why you are losing your attraction. However, before you give your wife that speech why not convince her to go to a doctor. Because those are symptoms of gangrene.

-----
Gaining 100lbs in that time frame is a serious medical issue. If OP cares about his wife and making the relationship work, common sense would say that needs to get fixed first. Unless he is completely mentally done with the marriage - in which case they are both better off the sooner he gets out of it.


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## Akinaura

bravenewworld said:


> From my perspective:
> 
> OP: My wife's hands look terrible - she takes zero pride in them and never manicures them. They are dry, shriveled, and often change color from blue to black. It's really gross and I have problems maintaining an erection when I see or feel them during intercourse. Should I let her know how unappealing I find this, how it affects our sex life, and how much better I like a woman with a french manicure and soft hands?
> 
> Response: That does sound super unappealing and I can understand why you are losing your attraction. However, before you give your wife that speech why not convince her to go to a doctor. Because those are symptoms of gangrene.
> 
> -----
> Gaining 100lbs in that time frame is a serious medical issue. If OP cares about his wife and making the relationship work, common sense would say that needs to get fixed first. Unless he is completely mentally done with the marriage - in which case they are both better off the sooner he gets out of it.


I get that it's a serious medical issue, but the problem I think here on the forum is that a lot of the women are saying do the soft beta approach (which hasn't worked yet) when in regards to depression, the soft approach doesn't usually work. It would show up as exactly as the OP has stated: half-way attempts, inability to stick to commitments. It has to be a serious enough wake up call to get someone to actually say "yes, I need help, please help me" And this is coming from a woman who has been dealing with depression for nearly 10 years now.


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## PieceOfSky

As'laDain said:


> probably so.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> out of curiosity, were you successful in motivating a depressed overweight wife to address her issues?




I am working on the depressed overweight husband (me). My point is I have not found her blaming my weight for her lack of interest in sex (or even kissing) after 15 years of an unhappy and increasingly sexless marriage, a real motivator. It feels like just another thing to angrily point her finger at, so she can feel justified in holding on to her real reasons for anger and keep her emotions distance. I take issue with her delivery, and the importance it suddenly has. And, her continued inaction on what I see are core problems that have been there since my weight gain.



That is how a I see it, introspecting.



And, afaik, I don't have the emotionally crushing blow of just realizing I am fat. I am. I know it. People who know me or see me know it. I am not wanting to hide from that reality.



My guess is if OP makes his discussions about his sexual attraction for her dying, then she will develop an aversion to being physically intimate with him, she will not be motivated by his words to dig herself out of depression, and he will have lost the opportunity to motivate her. She may feel threatened or abandoned by his sex-focused interest in her weight, especially seen in relief against the backdrop of mental and physical health consequences. If so, she may have to make a truce with that before she will make herself get up and get moving and do the right thing.


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## Youngster

OP,
Let me tell you a couple of stories......... 

3 years ago my father was out hunting. Shot a deer and was pulling it out of the woods when he had a heart attack. He didn't have a cell phone on him and he was hunting alone. He pretty much crawled/staggered out of the woods. Got to his truck and drove himself to the hospital....he's a tough guy. He was in bad shape so the local hospital had him airlifted 60 miles to a special cardiac unit....he had some stents put in and was lucky to be alive.

I got to the hospital late that night. Talked to the Doc, he said he was lucky, really lucky.....once in a lifetime lucky. My father was 5'10" 275, Doc said he needed to drop the weight NOW! Change his eating habits and lifestyle or he wouldn't last 5 years.

My old man was upset, said he'd change, told all of us he was sorry for what he put us through......thanked god for the second chance. Today he's 5'10" and weighs......you guessed it 275!


My wife because of her weight has had back problems for the last probably 5 years. Has to go in for cortisone shots every once in a while. Her doctor told her she needs to lose weight.....she hasn't lost a pound and in fact has continued to gain weight.


Now both of these people who I dearly love don't have depression or mental ailments. They don't have underlying problems that prevent them from changing their lifestyle. My wife and father both know that their weight is endangering their health. 

I've tried the soft approach. I've tried the hard approach. I've even had the break down in tears in front of them approach. Guess what? Nothing has worked because they don't want to change.

All this hint hint wink wink beat around the bush talk is nonsense. Your wife knows she's fat. You can try everything in your power. Maybe god and devil will join hands with you and tell your wife she needs to lose weight. But NOTHING is going to happen until SHE wants to lose the weight. You need to come to this realization, some people are happy with the way they are. 

Your dilemma and what's eating you up is can you continue to live this way?


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## FormerSelf

If the OP is willing to work with her side by side, leading and exampling , encouraging his W into making healthy steps to address the depression and to change the family diet, doing the same things that he expects of her, then I think it would be okay to gently and realistically confront the situation.

I like ConanHub's method, but it will take a certain measure of effort on OP to reinvigorate certain areas in their life and intimacy that had been shut down. There also may be major areas of hidden anger that may surface as well.

What I don't think should take place is letting this slide. People who are approaching morbid obesity...unlike other types of diseases or disorders...are wearing a giant SOS flag. I am not going to sit here and judge all cases, but someone doesn't leap from 120 to 220 and can say it just happened. There has to be either a physical issue or a mental issue that led to it.

I agree with those who say that W is probably well aware of her situation...and as much as H is embarrassed to be in public with her, she may be just as embarrassed for herself. Shame will undoubtedly shut down a lot of initiatives.

Still, there may be a level of denial at work. If wife really understood the gravity of her situation, one would think she would take charge...unless the perceived pain of doing what it takes (exercising, being in public, etc) exceeds the pain of being obese. It is a trap and many folks enter a zone of denial to shut off their stress and negative feelings and where eating is a method of managing emotions and self-medicating. 

Undoing the unhealthy eating will be ugly. Getting into a healthy lifestyle will be painful. Getting real and taking action will make her situation VERY REAL...where she is not having the luxury of hiding her feelings behind food...and her issues will feel like gasoline added to the fire. This means that OP is responsible to join her 100% all of the way...'cos if OP says, "Here is the problem, deal with it." then she will feel alone and ashamed...and nothing will change. This is going to require to change the entire dynamic of the relationship from stem to stern...and OP is going to have to address his own contributions to the problem.


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## Mr The Other

Well said.

If she was good at tackling this problem, then it would not have got to this stage. It means it is ten times harder now. 

OP can give support, and do everything to stop her drinking soda, but ultimately it is not up to him. If a man had got this fat, we woudl not expect his wife to take responsibility. What he can do is support her and try to work on any issues around it.


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## bravenewworld

I agree that OP is not responsible for his wife's weight gain. The weight is the symptom of a greater problem he may or not be involved in. The only thing he can really do is take inventory on how is he enabling her behavior, and stop doing so.

I wouldn't be attracted to nor want to be in a committed relationship with some 100lbs overweight. A sedentary lifestyle causes me to be depressed, and I don't want to spend significant time caring for a middle-aged adult like they are a senior citizen. 

But, he is married. And I do believe married people should at least spend some time trying to fix a significant problem rather than get resentful and walk away. A new relationship is not going to fix your communication issues.


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## changedbeliefs

I'd just like to add my opinion on two counts:

1) A person should only lose weight, change their appearance, dress a certain way, whatever....for their OWN reasons and motivation. Any of the above done for someone else, or because someone else talked them, bullied them, or pushed them into it - even if for the right reasons - is a building on a shaky foundation. OP, your wife is ultimately going to have to want to lose the weight. Not to make you happy, not to be attractive to you again, not to save a marriage....but because that's what she wants to do.

2) We all know that people tend to gain some weight as they age, and certainly aging itself changes our appearance to an extent. That being said, when we're seeking our mate, their appearance is paramount to the physical attraction, and physical attraction is paramount to the relationship (though, potentially, to different degrees in each case). When one partner's appearance changes as a direct result of their own actions (or inactions, as the case may be, and let's not add in the whole 'I have a glandular problem' type of arguments here), how can it not be justified that the other person may lose their attraction? If I wasn't attracted to 250# women while I was dating, and married a 150# woman....who became a 250# woman...there's no magic that implies I now find that attractive. Sure, maybe other qualities may weigh more now, maybe even completely OUTweigh that fact, but our preferences are our preferences, and like it or not, it drove everyone's decision to get married in part. 

As far as the communication of this issue...look, we never want to hurt people's feelings, but sometimes, you can just never know, a) what will or won't hurt someone's feelings vs. b) what will actually have the effect you're striving for. Conan related his story, but YMMV applies; how did he keep up such a sex life, was his attraction not (as) diminished, or at all? Sometimes you need to just blurt it out, and you need to rely on the receiver haven't confidence that you're not a POS and that you love them. I mean, aren't we supposed to assume that in a marriage anyway?


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## As'laDain

Conan had THE best solution.

but, they arent having sex so...


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## t910

Reading through this chain has been very helpful for me. I'm struggling with this problem myself as my wife is about 60 pounds heavier than when we married 11 years ago. The only difference I see in our situation is that she is not depressed at all and generally speaking, our marriage is good, including our sex life. If we have any problem, it's that I don't show enough affection and passion for her. I'd love to give her that but I find myself being passive aggressive toward her. That's wrong of me and I'm working on it. I just wish my otherwise wonderful wife would understand how much better our marriage could be if she would make it a priority to be as physically attractive to me as she is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.


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## Starstarfish

Just because someone doesn't seem depressed to you, doesn't mean they aren't depressed. How often do we see someone who seemed to everyone else to be "full of life" and "never down" who commits suicide?


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## just got it 55

ConanHub said:


> Don't give up. Be insatiable about every aspect of life with her.
> 
> Took my wife some time. My goal was to simply fill her to overcapacity with love from every angle. I didn't care that she lost the weight except for how it made her feel.
> 
> Best wishes. P.S. My wife tried and failed many times before she found what clicked with her. How healthy is your kitchen? Have you tried paleo and organic/local grown food?


Positive re enforcement is a powerful thing

Mostly to help someone with self esteem issues

The diabetic thing if not already is a real danger to long term health down the road for obvious reasons

I would do all CH suggests and focus on the exercise program that you both can do at her pace.

It's a long standing argument..... Am I fat because I am diabetic or am I diabetic because I'm fat.

I am willing to bet Blood Sugar is a factor now. 

Get the blood Sugar in line and your appetite will adjust

Spiking Blood Sugar increases appetite.

She needs medical and phyc help.

Just love her and support her But do not enable her

In the end it's her choice to make to save her life and marriage.

55


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## I dunno

You need to buy her a treadmill, say it's a joined pressy, to cause no offence. Wire it up to the national grid, could prove to be a nice little earner, just be careful with the wires, is it the yellow and brown or the black mmmm?! Be Good xxx


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## topaz

Where to start.

Yes she isn't sleeping great. Insomnia, tossing and turning but breathing seems fine. I think it's more possible pre-menopause effecting her sleep.

Of course I care MORE about just my attractions. You gotta realize that she didn't gain 100 pounds overnight. After kids I assumed she'd lose at least some of it. Then she gained. I tried to get her to walk with me etc. Then she had knee problems and a surgury. Around 60 - 70 pounds I really focussed on her health and things we couldn't do anymore because of her weight. (Jogging, roller blading etc) I spent a lot of time quietly suggesting her weight was effecting her health etc. Only now, at 90 - 100 pounds I'm like WTF. This is so far above expected age related weight gain etc I"m actually pissed and insulted that she would let it get this far. The more I think about it the more annoyed I am. We were always outgoing athletic, active people. That's the kind of person I looked for when I was dating. Because that's the kind of person I liked. I now am married to someone completely the opposite of what I"m attracted to. Both in appearance, and in motivation and actions. Call me a shallow bad guy. Maybe I am. And yes I still lover her and I still initiate because in part I have wife goggles on and can see past what is now and I see a refection of what I know is in there. But it's fading. And the goggles are starting not to work.

And it effects her to. She doesn't like it. Doesn't feel sexy, doesn't really initiate any more and has less and less interest in being sexual. So theres that too. I hear her complain about the weight, I hear how it hurting her back, her legs, her feet. It's like watching someone hit there self in the hand with a hammer but they won't stop.

Right now she's *****y as hell and were not getting a long so it's not a time to bring it up, but I feel like I'm being assaulted from all sides. Not happy and grumpy, not sexual, let her self go big time......... I trying to figure out what exactly she thinks is still so alluring about herself?????? (Yes, I'm quite annoyed today)

Oh and lastly..... we have a treadmill.... I bought her an elliptical, and we have a bowflex.


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## I dunno

Weight gain is a killer for both men and women, ok if it's evenly distributed. Watched a snippet of 'Some Like it Hot' the other night, Marilyn Monroe singing Running Wild on the train is a great example of this. I hope you can sympathetically encourage her to loose a little weight at a time, that or take up playing the ukulele. Good luck with it xxx


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## A_DelVeccio

Weight gain is so hard for a woman, and its hard to lose! It can be a vicious cycle because when you try it doesn't come off as fast as on a man. Eating is a sign of depression, insecurity and boredom. Maybe suggest something active to do together, and when you notice weight loss even minuscule then say "honey you lost weight? I can tell! Great job." maybe encouragement will help?

My husband teases me that I need to gain weight - I am 115 pounds and I would love to be curvy like JLO but, my body doesn't want to. And it gets frustrating, however when I told him it bothers me he has stopped.  

Weight gain or loss comments are stressful. IMO


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## ConanHub

Hey topaz. Really sorry for what your going through. My mindset was totally different than yours is. I am not passive in anyway. I was relentless and much of what you describe about your wife was the same with mine.

You name it, she probably experienced it. She is also from a very overweight family.

I have always been good at doing what I thought was right regardless of whether I got any support or not.

Again, this took 2 or 3 years of me being a life living dynamo. I have always been active and in good shape too. There is something about being overwhelmingly loved and made love too, by a very sexy body.

You sound defeated and angry and I'm not blaming you. Maybe you need to take control of the kitchen and/or stage an intervention.

I know one thing, it is hard to resist relentless love.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## topaz

I actually do most the cooking. And I cook healthy and realistic portions. She often will not eat my cooking because "she doesn't like it". Or she will but she will snack after undoing portion sizing. And if something is not in the house she likes, she is a grown woman with her own money she will buy it. 

She came home last night with all the fixings for making nachos that evening. She had no idea what I had done for dinner when she stopped on her way home. She had already decided she would be snacking later that night no matter what or how much we had for dinner.


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## NextTimeAround

Here's an interesting book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/XL-Love-Obe...ks&ie=UTF8&qid=1421534062&sr=1-10&keywords=xl

It also reiterated something that Machiavelli said about overweight women who lose weight: that is, a lot of times they gain (so to speak) the confidence to leave their husbands.


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## I dunno

The Machiavellian diet, I'm on it, doesn't work. The husband left me instead but then, I should imagine old Macha would have been proud of me, result. I have to give it to this guy though, he sounds lovely. Oh, it's cold, keep warm xxx


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## kindnessrules

Unfortunately this is an issue that lots of people struggle with, much more than a few decades ago. In the past obesity was not as common. Seems like almost everyone deals with it. It's very hard in a spouse. From what I have read, I just don't think we can talk to our spouses about their weight. They are already mortified and likely depressed and it just makes them feel worse. 

My husband was slim, healthy, and working out when we met and married. Unfortunately due to chronic illness he has gained quite a bit of weight. Not 100 pounds, but quite a bit. He has lost some and I think right now he is just trying to hold the line. He has severe cholesterol problems. When we first married I tried to "help" - I would pack him healthy snacks for work and cook healthy. He had never had anyone cook healthy for him before. He appreciated it, but would still snack overnight and at work. In fact he would end up eating more, what I packed for him and whatever else. We keep almost nothing in the house and I always cook very healthy, but as someone else said, he has a car and knows where the store is. Plus whatever he eats when he is at work or on the way to/from work. 

Although he was slim when he met, his weight issues are very longstanding, since way before we met, and his will is very strong. Over the years I have had to let go and adopt a "hands off" policy. I have to respect him enough to allow him to deal with it in his own way and time. He's an adult and I am not his mother or handler. He is trying very hard. He realizes he has a problem but he loves to eat and it's very hard for him. He is very stubborn, refuses to accept any help from anyone else. I would love to see him go to a weight loss program, like NutriSystem, Jenny Craig, or the like. He would have the weight off in a few months. But he wants to do it "his own way," which is no way. He sabotages himself - eats almost nothing all day which of course makes him eat more overnight when he is awake alone and of course gets hungry and frustrated. Overweight people are often night owls; they can eat whatever they want when everyone else is asleep.

Over the years I have learned to give him his distance. I just have to learn to deal with a husband whose appearance is different than the one I married. It is what it is. I try hard to hug him and tell him he's amazing, and I know he appreciates it. But we do not have a sexual relationship and there is distance between us. I'm not going to tell you I am happy about the situation.


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## norajane

> He sabotages himself - eats almost nothing all day which of course makes him eat more overnight when he is awake alone and of course gets hungry and frustrated. Overweight people are often night owls; they can eat whatever they want when everyone else is asleep.


Does he get enough sleep each night? There is a connection to sleep deprivation and eating too much, and too much of the foods that make a person fat. Sleep deprived people make worse choices on what foods to eat, and eat too much of it. There was a study done with college students, and only a few days of lack of enough sleep created this effect.


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## highwood

I have 40 lbs to lose myself. I find that for the last many years I would try and change everything at once...i.e. today is the day I am going to go to the gym all week for one hour each day, I am going to eat right, etc. etc. Immediately I would feel overwhelmed and then get anxious about making all these changes and then just give up.

I read a book recently called..."Small changes, big moves"...it is wonderful. It has taught me about making small little changes then when one or two of those are ingrained then add another one or two (basically you only work on two things at once and keep at it until they are a new habit). It also taught me that the reason that my resolutions never worked before was I was trying to change too much too fast then I would just give up because I would get anxious and stressed.

So what I did was becuase I was always into the gym just did not go regularly because sometimes an hour of cardio I could not fathom the thought of that (so I would not bother going)...now I go 5 to 6 times a week but just for short amounts...no more than 20 minutes (so basically I note the time when I start at the gym and 20 minutes later I am done). So 3 to 4 days per week I go and do 20 minutes of weights...then the other 1 to 2 days I just do 15 or 20 minutes of fast cardio..then that's it I am done and I feel good.

It is working I am now in week 7 and go regularly...the secret is the short time...sometimes I am laying on the couch after supper and think I don't feel like it but then I think..JUST 20 minutes...and I go and I always feel good after. 

She says in her book that even if someone made a commitment to go to workout once per week for 15 minutes...that is good..just let that become really ingrained might take 4 weeks might take 2 months then add another day and so on...

My point is maybe your wife can just work on two little microresolutions for a couple of months then once those become a habit then something else. So maybe she can commit to one 15 minute cardio session per week and also commit to not eating 2 hours before bedtime. ONce those are in place then throw another 15 minute work our per week, etc. etc


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## I dunno

It is the most difficult thing, I myself have put on a few pounds over the Christmas holidays. Although I have every intention of resolutely getting rid of the unwanted baggage, for the moment I find it almost comforting, like a noo noo blanket. Which in effect helps with the heating bills, my clothes are also telling me there isn't much of a problem, so my advice is to look out for signs and act, noo noos are like fire blankets, for emergencies only. Keep warm xxx


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## jaquen

The reality is this that it's far more likely that your wife:

- Will not lose the weight
- And if she does, she won't lose it all
- And if she loses it all, she won't keep it off.

Those are the breaks. Long term weight maintenance, in every single study, has an 80-90% failure rate. And "success" in most quotes studies typically refers to maintaining only 10% of the loss for up to five years. 

Most people, especially those 100+ pounds overweight, will stay obese. Your wife is morbidly obese. There are exceptions; I know because I've lost over 100 pounds myself. But it won't do you any good to wish, hope and dream that your wife will be an exception.

Can you love her, stay with her and appreciate her exactly where she's at? Is your waning attractions a permanent thing or can you find a way to be attracted to a woman in a very fat body? Are you going to be able to lovingly care for her if her obesity leads to the common diseases and ailments it so often does? These are tough questions but the only person you can change is you.

Your wife has to decide if she wants to undertake the massive, tough battle that is weight loss. It is a lifetime battle that doesn't end even if she manages to get back into the range of her original weight. You can't do it for you. 

If you can't love her, and accept her here, I understand. But don't waste years of your life, and hers, in quiet resentment, judgement and upset if you can not love her, and find your way back to attraction, with her body in this state.


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## Youngster

jaquen said:


> The reality is this that it's far more likely that your wife:
> 
> - Will not lose the weight
> - And if she does, she won't lose it all
> - And if she loses it all, she won't keep it off.
> 
> Those are the breaks. Long term weight maintenance, in every single study, has an 80-90% failure rate. And "success" in most quotes studies typically refers to maintaining only 10% of the loss for up to five years.
> 
> Most people, especially those 100+ pounds overweight, will stay obese. Your wife is morbidly obese. There are exceptions; I know because I've lost over 100 pounds myself. But it won't do you any good to wish, hope and dream that your wife will be an exception.
> 
> Can you love her, stay with her and appreciate her exactly where she's at? Is your waning attractions a permanent thing or can you find a way to be attracted to a woman in a very fat body? *Are you going to be able to lovingly care for her if her obesity leads to the common diseases and ailments it so often does?* These are tough questions but the only person you can change is you.
> 
> Your wife has to decide if she wants to undertake the massive, tough battle that is weight loss. It is a lifetime battle that doesn't end even if she manages to get back into the range of her original weight. You can't do it for you.
> 
> If you can't love her, and accept her here, I understand. But don't waste years of your life, and hers, in quiet resentment, judgement and upset if you can not love her, and find your way back to attraction, with her body in this state.


This is the biggest problem for me. One spouse continually makes bad choices until they have health problems. Now the "healthy" spouse needs to become the care giver. 

I think anyone would stay with their husband/wife if they were disabled due to an unexpected disease or an accident but what about when they do it to themselves?


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## I dunno

Sign her up to a gym, splashing around in the pool and RELAXING in the sauna, sublime. She'll love you for it and you'll end up with a fit, happy broad. Oh, the snow xxx


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## bravenewworld

Youngster said:


> *This is the biggest problem for me. One spouse continually makes bad choices until they have health problems. Now the "healthy" spouse needs to become the care giver.
> *
> I think anyone would stay with their husband/wife if they were disabled due to an unexpected disease or an accident but what about when they do it to themselves?


I agree with this 100%. Honestly, I wouldn't even be with someone who had a healthy BMI but was super inactive. My mom is in her sixties and still does 6+ mile hikes with me. It's very sad to see people as young as their 50's having severe mobility issues due to obesity. 

Still thinking OP needs to talk to her about it though in a more tactful way than focusing solely on sex appeal. 

OP, any updates?


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## MLH205

My husband told me about 6 weeks ago that we weren't having sex very often because he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I have gained weight since we got married 21 years ago. I cannot begin to tell you how heartbroken and devastated I am. Those words can never be taken back. I will forever hear them in my head. Did it spur me on to stop eating? Yes. Did it make me go to the gym more? Yes. But I will never be able to believe he is initiating sex because he is attracted to me. I will always feel like my body is just being used to satisfy a sexual need. I have always loved sex so much. That was the way I felt we stayed emotionally connected, but now that's gone. 

I tell you this to urge you not to speak to her in absolutes. Please, please don't tell her your attraction is gone. There are so many good ideas in this thread that can be used to tell her your feeling without destroying hers.


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## jaquen

MLH205 said:


> My husband told me about 6 weeks ago that we weren't having sex very often because he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I have gained weight since we got married 21 years ago. I cannot begin to tell you how heartbroken and devastated I am. Those words can never be taken back. I will forever hear them in my head. Did it spur me on to stop eating? Yes. Did it make me go to the gym more? Yes. But I will never be able to believe he is initiating sex because he is attracted to me. I will always feel like my body is just being used to satisfy a sexual need. I have always loved sex so much. That was the way I felt we stayed emotionally connected, but now that's gone


I'm going to be blunt here, so be warned:

Were you as crushed and devastated that you gained so much weight that your husband was having trouble being attracted to the one woman he's morally bound to have sexual relations with?

Nobody likes hearing they're fat. Nobody likes being confronted with the fact that their choices have helped a spouse detach from them sexually. But it amazes me that the devastation almost always comes from the spouse pointing out the elephant in the room, and not the elephant itself (absolutely no pun intended).


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## BlueWoman

Wow. About a week before my husband announced he didn't want to be married anymore he complained I had gained too much weight. And he was right now question. I was significantly overweight when we got married and struggled with trying to lose weight our whole marriage. I seriously considered weight loss surgery, but he was against it and I didn't push it because he still wanted me. In the last year of our marriage I gained a lot more weight. I was extrememly stressed and depressed and he was pulling away from me. (Having nothing to do with the weight.) Once he decided that he was done, I decided to go ahead with the weight loss surgery. In the end I didn't have it. But I have lost all the weight I've gained in the last year plus. 

I got to say, weight loss is not a simple calorie in calorie out model. There are so many factors involved in my weight gain and there have been tons more involved in my weight loss. First I had to deal with the fact that I did emotional eating. I had to work oin recognizing when it was emotional and not actual hunger. Believe it or not that's much harder than you might realize. In addition, I lost the ability to recognize the ability when I was full. Add to that, what I eat affect my blood sugar levels which effect how hungry I get. And exercise? Forget about it. It hurts when you are obese. And everyone has this expectation about how much you should move and it's hard and you are humiliated by it. 

I hate to say it, but it was blessing that my husband left. Because while I didn't end up going through the surgery I did learn tons about eating. And it was on my terms. 

This isn't really advice for you. Because I honestly don't think there was anything my husband could have said to me that would have changed anything for me. 

I might suggest that you encourage your wife to get counseling. And I might leave books around about intuitive eating. But after that, it really has to come from her. And you have to decide how you are going to respond to whatever she does.


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## jaquen

BlueWoman said:


> I got to say, weight loss is not a simple calorie in calorie out model.


Yes it it is, from a physiological point of view. If I locked you in a room with nothing but water, trust me, you would lose weight. 

What you describe here:



BlueWoman said:


> There are so many factors involved in my weight gain and there have been tons more involved in my weight loss. First I had to deal with the fact that I did emotional eating. I had to work oin recognizing when it was emotional and not actual hunger. Believe it or not that's much harder than you might realize. In addition, I lost the ability to recognize the ability when I was full. Add to that, what I eat affect my blood sugar levels which effect how hungry I get.


Are the psychological challenges many face when losing weight. They are important to face and to overcome. They, however, have nothing to do with how your body consumes it's excess adipose; that always comes down to taking in fewer calories than you expend. Even in cases of illnesses, or medications, that create a lower expenditure, the equation stands.



BlueWoman said:


> And exercise? Forget about it. It hurts when you are obese.


Thankfully exercise is not required to lose weight. The majority of weight loss, especially massive, comes from calorie restriction. Exercise is typically for overall health and maintenance. You could lose a great deal of weight sans exercise than add it in when you've lost enough to be more comfortable doing it.


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## BlueWoman

jaquen said:


> Yes it it is, from a physiological point of view. If I locked you in a room with nothing but water, trust me, you would lose weight.


Well sure. Except that we aren't locked in rooms with nothing but water. And food is more than just meeting a physiological need. 


And let's not mention that hunger is the most important drive we have. The instinct to eat when food is available is actually more powerful than the desire to have sex. 

So your argument is pendantic.


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## I dunno

Sing to her, nothing like a bit of Puccini, protect her from invading forces, have cannon balls shot at your stomach......she'll soon forget about the choccies, watch the weight just fall off. Oh, the snow's melting xxx


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## anonfrank

I am working on dear spouse's weight as well. Her issue is in part meds and in part emotional eating. She is now slowly losing.

I got her to start losing weight by losing some myself. I was not obese by any means, but 5'10" and 192 is where I was four years ago. I started by exercising every day and restricting my calories. I lost 30 pounds in about eight months. I maintained it until the last year, when I gained 10 back. Am now maintaining a nice healthy weight by exercising and watching every calorie.

I have to remind her constantly not to bring sweets into the house, as much for me as for her--if they are there, I will munch on them at least occasionally, and my son will learn bad eating habits. I've taken, in fact, to tossing out sweets or hiding them after she brings them home.

No amount of convincing is going to help someone who is not ready to lose weight, and that's what many in this thread are fighting. All you can do is take care of yourself and hope your SO will be motivated.


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## I dunno

The gin and chocolate diet, it sort of works. Keep warm xxx


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## jaquen

BlueWoman said:


> So your argument is pedantic.


There was no argument.

You stated "weight loss is not a simple calorie in calorie out model."

That is incorrect. Weight loss is actually only a "simple calorie in calorie out model". That's what weight loss is. Everything else you described is one's feelings about weight loss. These things need clarification since it's become fairly common for people to claim they're somehow, magically, the exception to this baseline scientific principle.



anonfrank said:


> No amount of convincing is going to help someone who is not ready to lose weight, and that's what many in this thread are fighting. All you can do is take care of yourself and hope your SO will be motivated.


1000% agree.


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## anonfrank

I forgot to mention a recent success I had with my wife.

I started using a Fitbit HR, ostensibly to track my sleep, last month. When she found it was a pedometer as well, and that she could track her progress daily, and could wear it as another watch, well, she asked if I could buy her one. Feeling I had made a breakthrough, you bet I scurried off and paid that $150 for another Fitbit! We'll see how it goes. She loves it so far.


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## I dunno

I'd take everything with a pinch of salt....pepper, vinegar, soy sauce, sugar, sherry, stop at the frogs legs. Heck, it's a icy xxx


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## bravenewworld

anonfrank said:


> I forgot to mention a recent success I had with my wife.
> 
> I started using a Fitbit HR, ostensibly to track my sleep, last month. When she found it was a pedometer as well, and that she could track her progress daily, and could wear it as another watch, well, she asked if I could buy her one. Feeling I had made a breakthrough, you bet I scurried off and paid that $150 for another Fitbit! We'll see how it goes. She loves it so far.


I love my pedometer! I found out that during my average restaurant shift, I walk 7-9 miles! I can be pretty hard on myself, and realizing I walk at least 35 miles a week makes me feel quite un-lazy! :smthumbup:


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## I dunno

Get her to dance, Back to Life, Back to Reality is my fav at the moment, a really feel good record. Just make sure she doesn't overdo things, I'd stay away from encouraging her to do the splits. Still cold xxx


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## Starstarfish

I just realized OP inferred that "overweight women" need to "make up" for their weight. Make it up to who exactly? 

And how did you "make it up" for you own gain OP, or do only women "owe it" for not being as hot as possible? 

Those are the statements that make it hard to sympathize with these threads, honestly, even if I myself was a REALLY fat woman who could give tips on what worked and what didnt.


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## Openminded

As someone whose thyroid was removed 30 years ago, I can speak to the difficulty of having your metabolism change literally overnight. Fortunately, at the time I was very thin so my weight gain wasn't nearly as noticeable as it might have been. But I had to make adjustments. No more eating everything I wanted or as much as I wanted or as often I wanted. I became very conscious of what I ate. I tracked calories. It wasn't easy but slowly the weight came off and once again I was back in the normal range for my height -- just no longer at the extreme lower end. It can be done but obviously you have to be very motivated.


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## topaz

Where to start:

First off, attraction is not a choice. It's not like I can MAKE myself more attracted to someone who is 100 pounds over what I am naturally attracted to. 

Additionally, and along the same vein as the comment above about "making up for it" - the weight gain in itself is one thing.... now combine that with someone who is unhappy in themselves... don't feel sexy, therefore don't dress or act sexy.... EVER. And in fact is grumpy and unpleasent, always tired and never feels good. Doesn't really want sex and doesn't contribute to the experience even when they do go along with it. Then the occasionaly E.D. because she is not contributing, not trying to arouse you and is 100 pounds overweight and I'm now in my 40's and not walking around with wood at the mere sight of some cleavage.....And remove the things you enjoyed doing together and had in common because she can't/won't do them anymore because of the weight and you quickly start to appreciate it's a package deal. Are you going to stop loving her her just because of some gained weight... how shallow. It's a lot more than that.

I can also appreciate one posters comments about all the soft methods you can take without crushing her. But what if you have tried all that? What if you have done everything you can think of to skirt the issue. I have bought her a gym membership, I Have bought home equipment, I have hit it from the health stand point, I have cooked healthy meals, I have loved her anyways. NOTHING has changed. She continues to gain weight and although I love her... I'm not particularily attracted to her. If she "made up for it" maybe by acting sexy.... being outgoing and fun, being outstanding in other areas....making an effort at all... maybe it would be enough. And no....I have no interest in following this with pushing her around in a wheelchair through my senior years becuase she chose to do nothign about it.

Vent done.


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## As'laDain

topaz said:


> Where to start:
> 
> First off, attraction is not a choice. It's not like I can MAKE myself more attracted to someone who is 100 pounds over what I am naturally attracted to.
> 
> Additionally, and along the same vein as the comment above about "making up for it" - the weight gain in itself is one thing.... now combine that with someone who is unhappy in themselves... don't feel sexy, therefore don't dress or act sexy.... EVER. And in fact is grumpy and unpleasent, always tired and never feels good. Doesn't really want sex and doesn't contribute to the experience even when they do go along with it. Then the occasionaly E.D. because she is not contributing, not trying to arouse you and is 100 pounds overweight and I'm now in my 40's and not walking around with wood at the mere sight of some cleavage.....And remove the things you enjoyed doing together and had in common because she can't/won't do them anymore because of the weight and you quickly start to appreciate it's a package deal. Are you going to stop loving her her just because of some gained weight... how shallow. It's a lot more than that.
> 
> I can also appreciate one posters comments about all the soft methods you can take without crushing her. But what if you have tried all that? What if you have done everything you can think of to skirt the issue. I have bought her a gym membership, I Have bought home equipment, I have hit it from the health stand point, I have cooked healthy meals, I have loved her anyways. NOTHING has changed. She continues to gain weight and although I love her... I'm not particularily attracted to her. If she "made up for it" maybe by acting sexy.... being outgoing and fun, being outstanding in other areas....making an effort at all... maybe it would be enough. And no....I have no interest in following this with pushing her around in a wheelchair through my senior years becuase she chose to do nothign about it.
> 
> Vent done.


i would just be straight up and honest if i were you. brutally honest. 

i mean, when everything else has failed...


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## ConanHub

As'laDain said:


> i would just be straight up and honest if i were you. brutally honest.
> 
> i mean, when everything else has failed...


Absolutely agree. If.my marriage was in.peril like yours is, I would get hard and serious with my wife before it dies. Letting her know in no uncertain terms the fate that awaited us if she didn't get healthier and start working on her part of the marriage.

I would never let her doubt my desperation to save our marriage because I truly do love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

BlueWoman said:


> Well sure. Except that we aren't locked in rooms with nothing but water. And food is more than just meeting a physiological need.
> 
> 
> And let's not mention that hunger is the most important drive we have. The instinct to eat when food is available is actually more powerful than the desire to have sex.
> 
> So your argument is pendantic.



Agree. I think jacqen's point was that it actually is as simple as calories in, calories out but what feeds (no pun intended) those numbers is much more complex which I think was your point.

Congrats on your weight loss, I'm happy you managed without surgery. I know it helps people but honestly every person I know that had it looks terrible, they all aged at least 10 years with the malnutrition and while they did lose weight they sag terribly. Keep it up 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopelessus

It almost sounds like she is depressed.


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## kindnessrules

lifeistooshort said:


> ... honestly every person I know that had it looks terrible, they all aged at least 10 years with the malnutrition and while they did lose weight they sag terribly. ...


This is what happened to my poor deceased father. He spent his entire life miserably heavy and desperate to lose weight. Finally he found a diet doctor (popular in the 60s) who gave him uppers, downers, diuretics, etc. He ended up losing a lot of weight too quickly. He achieved his lifelong goal of thinness but looked awful and emaciated and weak. He ended up dying within a year or two with various problems like blood clots, pleurisy, etc. 

Someone asked how much sleep my husband is getting: Never enough. He is a night owl who eats at night because he has the house to himself. I think anyone would get hungry being awake all those extra hours. But I don't think he is a true insomniac because I think of insomniacs as wanting to sleep but I think he likes being awake; he always says there is so much to do at night: movies, computer games, books. He thrives on being awake at night and even liked the night when he was a boy. 

His weight is gradually going down. His triglycerides are a little better although not where he and his doctor want them. But I do think he is trying. We eat only healthy things at home and keep no snacks. But I have no idea what he does outside of the house. He spends quite a bit at the convenience store and Walmart and the grocery when he picks up meds at the pharmacy in the grocery store and I know a lot of it is snacks. And of course the office snack machine. But what can I do? He's an adult. It's wonderful that he has lost 14 pounds since August. His BMI is still in the obese range but it's coming down - he's currently about 200 and about 5'9". Hopefully his severe cholesterol and triglyceride problems will improve, although I think he's one of those who will still have them even if he becomes thin.

Someone mentioned people becoming unhealthy due to lifestyle choices and the other person eventually becomes a caregiver, and the unfairness. The marriage becomes less about two marriage partners (affection, attraction, companionship, enjoyment, etc.) than a caregiver and patient. The loss of sex, fondness, affection, possibly respect. That "for better or worse" thing can be very difficult. I think all one can do is honor the marriage vows, thereby maintaining our self-respect, but find other healthy sources of fulfillment in life (not including an affair).


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## I dunno

It could be the depressed FAT or the depressed THIN diet, almost like a finely tuned radio.....which refuses to stay on the right frequency, sort of annoying. Oh, it's sunny! xxx


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## Bummed

whenever I get bummed about my situation, I read this thread. It shows I'm not alone.. I am in the same exact spot as the op. Down to every letter. we have 2 kids ages 6 and 4, she said she would try to loose it after we had our second child but it's been 4 years... She was everything I wanted when we met, so sweet and timid.very attractive...now she is a miserable soul, yells all the time, stressed out, 100# overweight, back hurts, feet hurt, zero drive and does not want to hear a word about it... I do all the cooking and I cook healthy foods but she'll snack on junk and fast food... i'm 5'8" 152#. I am into running/cycling/swimming, triathlons. I have zero support, nobody to tell me I'm doing a good job, she doesn't want to hear about my progress. She quickly changes the subject and I know it's to avoid her own issues.... She works as a teacher, comes home and sticks her nose in her Ipad and watches tv all night, she stays up until midnight. It could be a beautiful day outside, and there she is stuck on the couch scrolling through facebook, b*itching about other people...Says she's too tired to go for a walk with the kids. I tell her she's tired from being inactive but I get a bunch of BS back from her. She wants me to start doing more "family" things together and I do, but honestly it's embarrassing being seen with her. I don't know what to do to encourage her. I tried being supportive, we had a good discussion about it and she knows she needs to change for her -not for me- and nothing ever became of it. she would rather eat ice cream than go for a walk. I can't live like this, I see so many couples that truly love each other, and we are just fading away. All because she's lazy....some days I get so miserable and resentful I want to leave. I don't know what to do...she is not the person I married...I feel cheated in some ways.


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## NextTimeAround

A few people claim to eat healthy.

What does that mean? What are you eating that is so healthy? What have you stopped eating because it is not healthy?


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## bravenewworld

NextTimeAround said:


> A few people claim to eat healthy.
> 
> What does that mean? What are you eating that is so healthy? What have you stopped eating because it is not healthy?


What I eat that I consider healthy: Fresh fruit, fresh veggies, lean proteins, healthy fats, complex carbs, and low-fat dairy. 

Examples: Blueberries, leafy greens, egg whites, salmon, avocado, nuts, chia seeds, quinoa, sweet potatoes, almond or coconut milk, non-fat yogurt. Also, I drink plenty of water. 

What I try to avoid: Sugar in all forms besides fresh fruit, processed food, white rice, bread, pasta, and alcohol. Also I try not put too much salt on my food. It really causes bloating. 

It's not all or nothing. I still occasionally (1-2x per week) have a "cheat meal" like fried chicken wings or a couple of beers. I log all my calories with this really cool app called "My Net Diary." 

Supplement wise I take a probiotic, multi-vitamin, and fish oil pill every day. Not saying I am a beacon of health but I am SO much better than I used to be. I can feel it too!


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## bravenewworld

Also, if you're looking for a super easy, delicious, and healthy breakfast try overnight oatmeal with chia seeds. I credit this tasty and easy meal to taking off my first 30lbs. It tastes delicious and keeps you full:

Overnight, No-Cook Refrigerator Oatmeal


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## Holland

bravenewworld said:


> Also, if you're looking for a super easy, delicious, and healthy breakfast try overnight oatmeal with chia seeds. I credit this tasty and easy meal to taking off my first 30lbs. It tastes delicious and keeps you full:
> 
> Overnight, No-Cook Refrigerator Oatmeal


Great idea, I'm going to try this for the kids as well as me. We eat very well here but brekky is often rushed.


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## Satya

NextTimeAround said:


> A few people claim to eat healthy.
> 
> What does that mean? What are you eating that is so healthy? What have you stopped eating because it is not healthy?


I moved to the UK when I was 23, had already been a vegetarian for 13 years at that point, but realized when I moved that part of healthy eating really had to do with portion size and also determining the time you should be eating during the day.

I eat huge salads, nearly every single day. Lots of raw and steamed spinach for folic acid. For protein, I eat yogurt, vegetable protein, almonds, and beans. For fiber, I eat prunes, dates, figs (all dried), fresh fruit when possible. I have not eaten "fast food" since I was 8 years old. I cook meals whenever my work schedule allows, freeze things so they keep (I love to freeze soups). I LOVE anything with chili peppers, hot peppers, habanero peppers... peppers peppers peppers....! They are very good for kickstarting your metabolism and getting the blood pumping. They also clear you out like nobody's business, but your backside might need a little A&D ointment from time to time. :grin2:

I do cook with butter, but use it sparingly. I do not eat any fried food. At this point, if I eat a couple of onion rings, my stomach gets quite upset. If you keep consistent with the simple and healthy foods, soon your body will not only crave them, but won't be able to even tolerate the junk and it will give you stomach upset.

I do have a bad habit of drinking too much caffeine, which does stop vitamins from being absorbed in the body properly, but since I was 10 years old I've never once had an issue with my digestive system. The only times it bothers me is when I have had to go on antibiotics and it does a number on the good gut bacteria. Alcohol also has more calories than people are aware, so it's good to keep track of how many calories are being consumed when you add a glass or two of wine to your meals in the evening.

My SO and I don't eat anything past 4:30/5PM if we can help it and try to adhere to a rule of no carbs under any circumstances past 5:30. If I eat anything too late at night, I wake up feeling like there's a bowling ball in my gut the next morning.

In the past 10 years, my weight has fluctuated no more than 4-5 pounds. I'm aware that my metabolism has changed and I could certainly push myself to do more exercise, but eating right almost has to be a way of life for me at this point, because poor eating simply makes me feel so darn ill!


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## As'laDain

im weird. i eat almost nothing but greasy fat dripping foods, with lots of cheese. and potatoes fried in animal fat. 
some veggies and fruits on the side, occasionally. and i eat lots and lots of it too, usually at least 4k calories a day, and it can go up above 8k on some days. its not uncommon for me to eat a huge meal and then burn a few thousand calories over the next several hours. then of course, im hungry again.

at 68 inches tall and 136 lbs, im not over weight by any stretch of the imagination...

but i exercise more than the average college athlete, so that probably has a lot to do with it. there are a few people in my unit who stick to more "healthy" diets, but since i usually out perform them, i think ill hold what ive got. 


lifestyle really has a lot to do with what is healthy. im pretty sure my diet would eventually kill me if i weren't so active. on the flip side, my body does not recover fast enough on a normal diet, and recovers even slower on a diet that is typically considered healthy.


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## Satya

Let's also not forget genetics, which does play a significant role. One particular diet might not work for everyone. It may take some trial /error while mixing it in with your levels of physical activity.


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## ChargingCharlie

Bummed said:


> whenever I get bummed about my situation, I read this thread. It shows I'm not alone.. I am in the same exact spot as the op. Down to every letter. we have 2 kids ages 6 and 4, she said she would try to loose it after we had our second child but it's been 4 years... She was everything I wanted when we met, so sweet and timid.very attractive...now she is a miserable soul, yells all the time, stressed out, 100# overweight, back hurts, feet hurt, zero drive and does not want to hear a word about it... I do all the cooking and I cook healthy foods but she'll snack on junk and fast food... i'm 5'8" 152#. I am into running/cycling/swimming, triathlons. I have zero support, nobody to tell me I'm doing a good job, she doesn't want to hear about my progress. She quickly changes the subject and I know it's to avoid her own issues.... She works as a teacher, comes home and sticks her nose in her Ipad and watches tv all night, she stays up until midnight. It could be a beautiful day outside, and there she is stuck on the couch scrolling through facebook, b*itching about other people...Says she's too tired to go for a walk with the kids. I tell her she's tired from being inactive but I get a bunch of BS back from her. She wants me to start doing more "family" things together and I do, but honestly it's embarrassing being seen with her. I don't know what to do to encourage her. I tried being supportive, we had a good discussion about it and she knows she needs to change for her -not for me- and nothing ever became of it. she would rather eat ice cream than go for a walk. I can't live like this, I see so many couples that truly love each other, and we are just fading away. All because she's lazy....some days I get so miserable and resentful I want to leave. I don't know what to do...she is not the person I married...I feel cheated in some ways.


Get what you're saying, Bummed. In a similar boat (my wife is about 50 lbs overweight). Talks about how she hates how she looks and wants to change things, but instead of eating better and exercising, she'd rather sit on her butt playing computer games and eat junk food and drink diet soda while the kids watch TV instead of taking them outside to walk and play. 

I don't do triathalons or anything like that, but do exercise every morning if possible before leaving for work, and take the kids out on weekends. Also try to eat right (although I can't claim to be anywhere near perfect on this).

You're right - it is a bit embarrassing to see women that are near our age with three kids and a job still finding time to exercise and look fit, while my wife would rather sit at home playing games. Not much that you can do - she has to want to do it. You trying to eat right and exercise is good and may force her to get off of her duff, put away the ice cream, and get in shape. However, if she's lazy (which my wife is), then you're fighting an uphill battle. Easier to sit and play games than go outside and exercise for an hour.


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## As'laDain

I would rather throw the electronics away then watch my family sit on their backsides and waste away...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkyln309

I have no problem with this thread as long as the complainer is in really good shape. I cant tell you how many men I know who will not date (or complain about their wife's weight) and they themselves are overweight or unattractive. I tell them well you arent exactly Brad Pitt. And them hem and haw but the reality is: If you are not looking mighty fine, dont put that on your spouse.

My X gained 100 pounds. Was I less attracted to him? Absolutely. Did he hold me and the kids back since we were all very active? Yes. But did I still love him and have sex with him? Yes, but his drive was much lower. It was a factor in our divorce. But I maintained my shape as a woman. He did not.


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## As'laDain

I agree, but at the same time, it would not be realistic for me to require my wife to be in the same shape as I. I only want her to be thin enough for me to find her attractive.

I don't expect her to put her body weight on her back and ruck 20 miles at a 13 minute pace...

I think attractive is reasonable enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

I think that someone that is that overweight clearly does not respect themselves on many levels.

And I think that someone that doesn't respect themself cannot possibly respect their spouse or their marriage.


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## ChargingCharlie

Here's DW in a nutshell - go out to meet some friends last night, she decides that she needs a big Danish. Get home, we get the kids to bed, then instead of going to bed herself (as I did), she stays up to play games while eating more snacks. This morning, I get up to exercise and see that the kitchen is still a mess (dishes strewn on the table and the sink). Get everything put away and cleaned, then go out to exercise. While exercising, see a couple of women around the corner that just got home from exercising (of course, DW still asleep even though she mentioned that she needs to get up early to exercise). Kids get up early (before 8:00), wife grumpy because kids are awake (she wants to sleep in). Take the kids out to run around? Nope, she'd rather just let them watch TV while she checks in on Facebook. 

When I get home today, she will be on the computer playing games while the kids watch TV. She'll complain how tired she is - meanwhile, the house will be a mess. I'll want to get the kids to bed around 9:00, but she won't like that because that means that they'll be up before she wants to get up (note that she can go to bed early, but she won't do that).

Rinse, repeat. And she complains that she's overweight and always feels tired, but won't do anything about it (easier to complain than to adjust your diet and start exercising).

Put simply - she's lazy, and this is one reason that I don't like to go anywhere with her.


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## Marduk

Gotcha.

Here's what I recommend: come up with a list of ways that you are enabling her.

Right here I see that you're cleaning up after her, letting her sleep in, facebook, etc.

I suspect the kids are doing the same.

You can't control her, but what you can control is yourself. Stop enabling her in any way. If she wants to throw this pity party or get you to run around doing stuff for her, don't. "Wife, you're more than capable of doing that on your own. Tell you what, I'm going to take the kids to the park to get some exercise and fresh air, I expect your mess to be cleaned up and healthy food on the table for us when we get back."

If she doesn't..."I'll cancel our TV and internet subscriptions, and use that money for ordering in healthy food and a maid."

That's step 1. Live not enabling her. 

If she doesn't respond in a few weeks... "Wife, your poor health habits impacts more than just you. It impacts our kids and our marriage. For one, I'm not attracted to you any more. I love you and I want this to work, but I need this situation to change. I'll support you in this change however I can."

That's step 2.

Step 3 is essentially moving out of her bedroom, living like you're single (no other relationships!) and openly contemplating divorce.

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose a thing to save a thing.


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## ChargingCharlie

Kids are little, so they just want to play. They have to see that Mommy doesn't play with them like Daddy does. 

Your points are well taken - note they I'm talking about someone with the maturity level of a middle school child. Very juvenile. I realize that I'm enabling her, but to my mind I'm also trying to set an example. Today I came home and the kitchen was a mess again (nobody home) so I cleaned up. Played with the kids while she sat on her duff again on her computer. 

I honestly don't care anymore. She wants to outweigh me, go ahead. Already starting to disengage. No excuse for this much laziness on all fronts (health and household) and I don't mind setting a good example for the kids.


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## As'laDain

So, your plan is to give her no motivation to do the things that she needs to do, while acting your best and feeling righteous and superior?

Why? Why not try and motivate her with more than words?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

ChargingCharlie said:


> Kids are little, so they just want to play. They have to see that Mommy doesn't play with them like Daddy does.
> 
> Your points are well taken - note they I'm talking about someone with the maturity level of a middle school child. Very juvenile. I realize that I'm enabling her, but to my mind I'm also trying to set an example. Today I came home and the kitchen was a mess again (nobody home) so I cleaned up. Played with the kids while she sat on her duff again on her computer.
> 
> I honestly don't care anymore. She wants to outweigh me, go ahead. Already starting to disengage. No excuse for this much laziness on all fronts (health and household) and I don't mind setting a good example for the kids.


Rise above it.

Disengagement is enabling if you do it the wrong way; which is what I mean by your path.

I've seen the path I've just laid out for other dudes.

I realize it's scary.

Do it anyway.


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## coffee4me

ChargingCharlie said:


> Kids are little, so they just want to play. They have to see that Mommy doesn't play with them like Daddy does.
> 
> Your points are well taken - note they I'm talking about someone with the maturity level of a middle school child. Very juvenile. I realize that I'm enabling her, but to my mind I'm also trying to set an example. Today I came home and the kitchen was a mess again (nobody home) so I cleaned up. Played with the kids while she sat on her duff again on her computer.
> 
> I honestly don't care anymore. She wants to outweigh me, go ahead. Already starting to disengage. No excuse for this much laziness on all fronts (health and household) and I don't mind setting a good example for the kids.



You acknowledge you are enabling her but you are setting and example? Of what? Enabling? 

Are your kids male? In that case it might work that you are the only one setting and example of how to maintain health and not be lazy. However you are also setting an example that it's acceptable to have a spouse that doesn't contribute and doesn't care about health or appearance. If you have a daughter she is at greater risk for adopting your wife's attitude toward eating and appearance. I was greatly influenced by my mother. I remember my whole childhood being able to point to my mom and proudly saying "that's my mom!" I am a product of her example as my friend told me when she heard someone ask my son to point out his mother he said "she over there, the pretty lady with the long black hair" 

It so strange that in a country where we are overwhelmed in the media by topics on weight and food that so many people walk on eggshells talking about it in their own homes. It's not uncommon to hear weight gain and its effect on appearance addressed in my house and it's not taken negatively. It is a given that the only reason someone in the family is saying something is because they love you and are concerned about your health. I'm thankful that people in my life have told me frankly when I needed to work on myself. I'm also glad I was given the knowledge about food I needed starting at a young age. It's an uphill battle with stocky genes but the first step is acknowledgement.


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## bravenewworld

Satya said:


> Let's also not forget genetics, which does play a significant role. One particular diet might not work for everyone. It may take some trial /error while mixing it in with your levels of physical activity.


So true! I kept a food diary for about 6 months to figure out what foods gave me the nutrition I needed and allowed me to lose weight WHILE keeping me full. Not easy! 

Speaking of cheat meals - had my first one in two weeks tonight - a big ass burrito, and wow, my tummy is not happy. It's weird how you adjust.


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## bravenewworld

OP, is it feasible to get your wife a trainer and have her see a nutritionist? Sometimes we all need that little push - a game plan and motivation helps.


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