# Little Confused, Advice?



## youngandnaive (Apr 26, 2012)

I have never really gone to this extreme for advice before but I think maybe I can get some help and advice here. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He just got out of the Marine Corps and wanted to move back home (across the country from where I have lived my whole life in California). When we first started dating I had found many nude pictures on his laptop. When I confronted him, He stated that he didn't know they were still there and apologized. After we moved to his home town everything (to my knowledge) was going well. For some reason I had some kind of gut feeling to check up on his email in which he had given me the password to earlier on in our relationship. I found that he was registered to lots of sites such as ****************** and lots of Sexual Sites. Well, My Gma always told me to keep my eyes and ears open, and my mouth shut. So I continued to observe. I had discovered Facebook messages between him and other females that I confronted him about, he said they were "just friends". I found that he had another email address and went "snooping". In which case I found "Craigslist Ads" that he posted about him being a Marine and looking for "Discreet Fun", and lots of Sexual Ads he responded too. I decided to be "Smart" about it all and print EVERYTHING out from emails to times, dates, nude pictures, etc. I had a very thick collection of papers of evidence because he is the type that will look me in the eye and lie straight to my face. I also found detailed emails in his school email between him and a female in one of his classes. Of course through all of this, I was hurt and confused because he really didn't give any signs of being unhappy with me or anything, in fact he talked about marriage in which I told him we weren't ready for.. To the point one night we were arguing about him contacting his ex g/f through Facebook when I brought out the "book" of evidence I had kept under our matress. He was so mad and tried to rip it although it was too thick for that. He called me "pyscho" and then just started to cry and apologize. I told him I was leaving and he said he couldn't live w/o me. He cried a lot and asked for me to stay and let him prove to me that he would stop. I am still with him but can't seem to trust him. Throughout our entire relationship he had been committing a form of cheating and I am just disgusted by it. The emails and pictures play in my head.. When we are not together I wonder what he is doing or who he is with..  I don't like being this person, but I do care for him very much so. It also has really affected out sexual relationship. I rarely am attracted sexually anymore and I know it really affects him.. We are both farely young, I am 21 and he is 24. Does anyone have any advice?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

you are only 9 months in.
you gave him the chance the first time you confronted him.
he is a liar, a cheater and a manipulator.
he has probably met up with some of the cl contacts.
not a good combination for marriage material.
i think you need to cut your loses and move on and get yourself tested.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Love doesn't exist without respect and there's no way to respect an habitual liar. Not only is he a habitual liar, he's also incapable of accepting responsibility. There's no indication that he intends to be faithful or that he's even capable of being faithful or honest. When caught in a lie, he responds by calling you a Psycho (more disrespect). Confronted with your leaving, he basically threatens suicide. Manipulation, selfishness, disrespect. This guy isn't anywhere near ready to marry anyone. I wouldn't waste another day on someone I couldn't trust. Thank the Lord you haven't gotten pregnant and dump this turkey while you can.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At 21yrs and no kids= bail


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Agree with all the other posters, he is dishonest, a cheater and possibly a sexual addict.
It is quite possible that he has met those women from the adds for 'fun', so be careful, he could infect you with sexually transmitted diseases.
You have a cool head and you are patient to collect all the evidence, I must admit I would have exploded the first time I found something and I would have confronted him.

You have lost all trust in him and you do not find him sexually attractive, get rid of him, he is not worthy.

If you stay with him you will self-destruct, you will eventually turn into psycho as you will be controlling and checking everything and you will be immagining him with other women everytime he is away/late.

You are young, get out of this toxic relationship, there are plenty more fish in the sea. He is not and never will be a husband material.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

You are 21 years old. Do you want to live the next 50years of your life like this?

Get out now! Its not going to get better. Look at this as a bad experience and learn from it.

Good luck with the rest of your life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Leave while you have very little invested in the relationship--and currently have no entanglements. Count your blessings you found out early on. As a Marine, he will be periodically deployed. You would worry yourself sick during that time due to the lack of trust.


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## youngandnaive (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your advice. It's so much easier said than done though.. He has a good heart, and swears he never went through with any of it. He says he just found it funny to talk.. : / Other than what happened, he treats me like a Princess.. I am so lost and confused  He swore that he would never do anything like that again. I just don't know..


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

First I want to say you handled the whole evidence gathering thing in a really good way and your Gma taught you well.

Your BF has been lying and cheating on you for awhile,so it might be best if you don't take much he has to say as truth.He's probably minimizing everything.I mean you don't advertise on Craigslist looking for discreet fun unless you wanted to act on it.To me that's a no brainer.

I'm with the others on this and I think your BF's actions don't bode well for the future.Let me ask you this:-Do you think and believe in your heart that you could ever see yourself standing across from this man on your wedding day and be 100% certain that he would honour his wedding vows?

As people here are saying you're still young with a lifetime ahead.Ultimately it's your choice.BTW,what advice do you think your Gma would be giving you? Take care.


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## youngandnaive (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you, It was hard to not say anything, but I was happy I had hard evidence so he couldn't lie.. My grandma said that if he agrees to go to counseling I should give him a chance, but she didn't want me to move out of the state in the first place. To answer your question about marrying him, and trusting if he could keep his vows, No at this time I can't see it : /


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Every single person has said that you should leave. There's a good reason for their opinions. I think your grandma taught you well on keeping eyes and ears open & mouth shut, but I think she's leading you astray by telling you to stay if he goes to counseling. 

You gave him a chance. He blew it. Did your grandma teach you to learn from mistakes? His gran apparently didn't. He went ahead and did it again, hid the info from you, lied when he was confronted, and tried to protect himself - not you - by attempting to destroy the book. 

If you were married and/or had children, I'd agree with your grandma to try counseling, but he has already SHOWN that he is not going to change, and that something he says is just something "funny" to him is more important than your well being. 

BTW, my daughter married a Marine stationed in NC who used those exact same phrases and behaviors. She went to a marriage counselor (although he was deployed, so she went alone) and the counselor told her that some of those men had told her that they coach each other on how to get away with these behaviors and see it as a game. 

I know you've moved a long way, and it will cost money and mean a lot of adjustments to return home, but I think that'll be the LEAST costly choice you can make.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't think you're confused at all. You did all the reasonable things and you discovered that your boyfriend has absolutely no intention of doing anything at all to contribute to your emotional well being. Now that you've discovered this, you feel disgusted. Do the next reasonable thing. Leave and open yourself up to someone who will contribute 100% to your emotional well being and make that as much a priority as his own. There do exist these people, you are one of them, and I am one of them, my boyfriend is one of them and a lot of my male friends and female friends also belong to this wonderful group of people. Step on over and enter the slice of the univserse for which you yourself signed up for. Leave your boyfriend to experience that to which he chooses to contribute. Obviously he is a weak person when it comes to doing things that serve his best interest, long term. No wonder he is crying. So let him deal with it. Don't change the rules of the universe of true love to accommodate someone who is not willing to pay the dues to enter through the doors. Bounce!

By the way, you are a lot smarter than me. I married a man who behaved as yours is, and I even gave him another chance at making our marriage a real marriage, and he continued to do the same thing. Then I realized why his past relationships had failed, it was not on account of 'psycho' women as he claimed. So what if you leave and he changes. What I told my husband was that it was his thing to work out on his own, he needed to do it for himself, to change, not for me and not for a marriage. I put him squarely right back into the pool of men who would have to prove to me that they were worthy of my time and energy (physical and spiritual) he does not get any extra credit, or any credit at all, for history. With forgiveness, I said, comes erasure, that goes for the good and the bad and everything in between. As I knew him, that person is gone. Now that we are divorced, I know nothing of him in his current state other than that he is the kind of person who emails me and signs his emails 'Love (name)' when he is not supposed to be contacting me at all. I hit the delete button and chalk it up to him not wanting to be alone with his feelings, having broken his arm so he cannot climb, and drinking and needing someone to manipulate and keep on a string. I just get out my scissors and go snip snip and put my nose back into my own life where it belongs and where I can keep track of all my other body parts, including my heart and my mind which holds my mental health.

And yes, my husband is/was military. And he said he was going to go to counseling. He said this long enough to convince me to give him another chance, then he inserted himself into my life where I had moved and started the demolition act again from inside out, different behaviors, same intent.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

If you are having problems trusting him and your gut is screaming like an air-raid siren, my advice is TO RUN LIKE THE WIND!

It will only get worse and he's a liar. There will come a time where you won't be able to believe anything he says. After 9 months, you should not be checking his Facebook and phone. It's early in the game for this kind of crap.

Move on and you will be better for it. Think of this relationship as a stepping stone to a healthy relationship. I know you love him, but trust is most important. You already know all this. Re-read your first post and pretend it is NOT you, but some other stranger posting about their relationship. What advice would you give to them?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

youngandnaive said:


> He has a good heart, and swears he never went through with any of it. He says he just found it funny to talk.. : / Other than what happened, he treats me like a Princess.. I am so lost and confused ... I just don't know..


Treats you like a "Princess" and has a "good heart." HUH?? And what is it about this "winner" that has you confused? Baloney. You are not confused. You are just afraid to walk out on this clown. Go ahead and try it, because I bet he escalates to threats and possible abuse. Either that, or he'll just kick you to the curb and hook up with someone else quickly.

He lies.
He cheats.
He manipulates.

And, no, it is NOT hard to leave when you are not engaged, only living together, and have your whole life in front of you. A life in which you can be with a man who is honest, faithful, and decent to you.

Time to take out the trash!


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## Didi Greenbank (Apr 28, 2012)

Definitely get out of relationship. But also work out why you are attracted to him and why you want to stay with him. once you have worked this out and you have made peace with this (does he have the positive and negative traits of your dad?) then hopefully you will choose different kind of men in the future. good luck and don;t get caught up in the conflict. don't play his game, work out why you are in the game and then choose not to play it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

youngandnaive said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice. It's so much easier said than done though.. He has a good heart, and swears he never went through with any of it. He says he just found it funny to talk.. : / Other than what happened, he treats me like a Princess.. I am so lost and confused  He swore that he would never do anything like that again. I just don't know..


Prince Charles treated Di like a princess, too. Get a guy with a strong character, with solid values, who will deal with you honorably and will treat you tenderly and respectfully; the kind of guy you'd be proud to have your children to someday emulate. Superficial things change. Rich can become poor, employed can be unemployed, handsome can become hideous, all in a flash. True honor doesn't change. Sounds old fashioned to speak about honor but if you want a decent guy, that's what he has to have.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't see how being treated with hidden disrespect over a long period of time = treated like a princess. Manipulated, maybe.


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## youngandnaive (Apr 26, 2012)

You guys are right...


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