# Improve my sex life



## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

I am 35, my wife and I have been married for over 8 years. Sex was not always great but I thought I did give her some moments. However, since the birth of our son, our sex life has been terrible and it's been 3 years now. Reasons are many. 

First off, I'm more on the below average side, mine P is probably just 4-5" length and the girth is probably small too; I guess her V is bigger after giving birth and makes it worse. I never tried any P extension but have one ordered on the way (the one recommended in MrsBananaRama thread). 

Second, I have PE. I tried some sprays and it helps me last longer but it's a bit uncomfortable since my penis feels real hot when I put on the spray. Also we are not a couple of scheduled sex nights, so some nights I wanted to and I put on the spray but then my wife was tired and refused, or some nights we were in the heated moment and I paused to put on the spray but then we made it too fast and the spray was not in effect yet (it takes about 10 minutes to be effective). I found alcohol helps too but I'm not a drinker. And even when it lasted longer I still felt like it's not long enough for her and she's not getting orgasm. With the spray or alcohol I still can get only 5 minutes. 

Another important reason is that my wife needs PIV. I know my limitation and I have read a lot about oral sex and I can give her head for half an hour or so with my tongue and my fingers and she likes it but still not totally happy. I read some women get wild orgasm with oral but not my wife, unfortunately. 

What should I do to improve the situation? Should I do any operation to make my P bigger (and longer) or just stick with extension toy? Regarding PE, I plan to talk to my primary care physician to see if I can get any drugs for it. I have also talked to my wife about having it twice in a night, she give me a blow first and I do my turn in 30 minutes or 1 hour later. The problem with this is that it's probably around 9:30pm by the time our son gets to bed and we tend to sleep early, around 10:30 - 11pm since my wife goes to work early in the morning. In my 20s the time between 2 erections were only around 15 minutes but now it's at least 30 minutes. So we can't do this often.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Zoloft, an anti anxiety, can delay ejaculation and often is prescribed for PE. Talk to your doc.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

You don't have premature ejaculation.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

go to a sex therapist with your wife. You will both benefit. Sensate focus exercises with your wife will teach you both about your arousal response and hers. Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?

YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.

HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?
> 
> YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.
> 
> HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.




Are you saying it is one or the other, or both? I can see this being both eventually, snowball effect.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You don't have premature ejaculation.


I don't get it? Why do you say so?



badsanta said:


> Very important question, who is it that feels your wife is not satisfied?
> 
> YOU, because you fear if you can't give her explosive orgasms each time that she will stop being in love with you.
> 
> HER, because she is frustrated about something and is complaining that she wishes that you lasted longer.


Very good question, I guess both. My wife is not frustrated and often trying to encourage me (like "relax, it's ok just go for it") but many times when I got to the end (ejaculated) and she's still trying to move her body to get more, or simply asking for more (right at that moment). On my part I know it's short and the fact that I got nervous about it makes it worse. I love her and I want it to be good for her. 

Another issue is that my wife has never used birth control pills because she's afraid she won't remember to take it regularly, so most of the time I used condoms, which doesn't help her satisfaction. We have also talked about this recently and it's something we will try.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Have her do kegels, and you should also do kegels and reverse kegels for PE


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## GhostSnow (Jul 16, 2014)

seeing a sex therapist is the best thing you can do to improve your sex life


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

There are other BC methods besides the pill. My wife gets the shot. Discuss with her GYN.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bbad said:


> My wife is not frustrated.... I love her and I want it to be good for her.


Read that over and over a few times!

Odds are she wants you to be happy and may be getting frustrated as to why she can't please you... have you ever thought of that? In reality she can't please you because you are too worried about pleasing her. At the end of the day, no one is pleased. 

Simply enjoy sex! Compliment her! Let her see you pleased with her! Encourage HER to ask for something from you if she wants it, but WAIT until she actually asks you for something!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

bbad said:


> I don't get it? Why do you say so?


Based on what you have disclosed, I don't see you having PE.

I am basing this conclusion on the DSM-V criteria for clinical diagnosis.


My estimation is that you are subjectively diagnosing yourself based on external factors (her). Statistically speaking, only a few percent of men actually have PE. This doesn't mean we can't improve your duration or experience, however.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Based on what you have disclosed, I don't see you having PE.


I agree! Sometimes my wife just wants to please me and for it to be quick, so I have played around with ideas to induce myself to have PE on a few occasions, kind of as a way to surprise her and say, "OMG you are so hot that only took about 15 seconds!" (whereas normally I enjoy going for about half an hour). Some women actually do enjoy a husband that finishes fast, and she may be asking you "don't stop" because she knows it pushes you over the edge! 

But I know everyone's context is different. Just keep in mind her wanting a little more is way better than her getting frustrated and asking why it is taking you so long.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you tried sex toys?


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## keljoy76 (Feb 20, 2017)

Have you asked her what she really wants from you honestly? Maybe her body has changed from birth and she feels like she can't enjoy the sex you had previously. Maybe you need to ask her what positions she would enjoy to make it more pleasurable for her. Maybe she is having physical issues with getting aroused due to her body being different. Ask her. I know that after having two children there are parts of me that hurt in certain positions, or there is a lack of sensation. I now know what positions I like to make it better for me and my husband just happened to like them too. There are articles in Mens Health online with pictures of all different positions for oral and penetrative sex. Look at them together.

You both sound like you are putting a lot of pressure and expectation on yourselves, when talking together about your expectations for satisfaction might be a better solution. Frame it in a way that you are asking her because you want to have satisfying and intimate sex for her and with her. You want to understand her body and how its changed and her needs. If she knows she has that level of connection with you then she will feel even closer to you.

My husband also suffers from PE and you have to work together to manage it. You sound like you have a lot more control physically and mentally than a lot of PE suffers. Maybe you are putting pressure on yourself by labelling something that only happens occasionally.

in relation to managing it I can tell you that you have to train your body to be comfortable with the physical feeling of her V before you actually have intercourse. Otherwise its a sensory overload and it can end too soon. If you slow things down and enter her slowly in the beginning (not fully) and do that a number of times as part of your sexual routine, then when you are ready to achieve full penetration her anticipation will be high and she will be more aroused and you will feel bigger to her also. 

After you can do this without issue you can try different positions and speeds and whatever you like. What is important is that you are both mindful in the moment. It is not dirty to ask questions during sex, whether she likes it, how fast she wants it to go etc. 

You sound as though you are disconnected from each other, as you are trying to satisfy what you think each others needs are without actually knowing them.

With regard to the contraception maybe your wife should talk to her GP. Maybe a Mirena would work for her. Its not a pill and won't affect her hormones and reproduction and there would be no need for you to use a condom (only if you wanted).


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Although I am 65 now, I have not had intercourse for longer than my wife and I can remember. Maybe 20+ years is a good guess. My wife has medical issues and we found out that we are both sterile so there was no reason for intercourse. We both prefer oral anyway and are good at it. In the end all that matters are good orgasms and there is more than one way to skin a cat. I lived with my wife and a shared girlfriend that hung around for 30 years and enjoyed sex with me so much that ever after she got married she continued to have sex with me, with her husband approval which is another story. Our girlfriend specifically looked for a man that was OK with her continuing her relationship with me.

Enough of the history. My point is that I sexually satisfied two women enough for them to keep coming back for more. Even after out girlfriend got married she still came to me for sex with her husband's knowledge. Most times I did not use my penis to give them great orgasms. A vaginal canal is about 5-6 inches anyway, before you enter the cervix territory which has less nerve endings. Many, if not most women, get their orgasms from clitorial stimulation which does not need a long penis. Girth will help but so will sexual positions that put your penis in more direct contact with her clitoris. As you can see from my life, you can still have a great sex life and marriage without intercourse. You have an average sized penis which is what most women studied have selected when asked to pick a 3D model of a penis they are happy with. 5-6" dildos sell more than all the other lengths combined so you are right in the sweet spot.

Yes, some women are stretched out after having a baby. I could tell the difference between my wife and our girlfriend who had a baby while my wife did not. Did not matter to me because I always found a way to make them scream. There are many fetishes that do not involve intercourse, and if my experience is correct, most girls have better orgasms with a vibrator. You can even see vibrators being used or laying around in porn videos now. Try sex toys. My wife and our former girlfriend love their vibrators for masturbation and sometimes used them when they wanted more orgasms than I gave them. I did not care. 

I also believe, as do many sex therapist, that we are all responsible for our own orgasms. Use sexual positions, like cowgirl, that allow your wife to use her hands or a vibrator during intercourse. She should do whatever it takes to reach an orgasm as should you. The world is filled with women who had children and are not as tight as they used to be. Yet they find ways to have a good sex life. 

You are adequately equipped to give your wife intense orgasms in various ways. I am 65 and have ED. I ordered 100 generic Viagra pills from India at a cost of $100 a pill. Then I cut them in half and have enough for almost two years. They work just as well as the $35 name brand Viagra does. I have been buying generic Viagra for almost as long as Viagra has been available without any problems. Try to find a story about anyone who was harmed by using genetic Viagra impoted. In Europe Generic Viagra is legal so all those websites just buy from the companies making the generic Viagra for the European market. So you can take care of the ED problem cheaply and easily. You have to ask your wife to tell you what works or not. Encourage her to give you feedback and go from there. My wife knows what buttons to press on me and I know which to press on her. Good communication is the secret to great sex. Do not forget that your brain is your largest sex organ. I can arouse women by what I say to them. It is something I learned early in my sex life from a woman who taught me. Good luck.


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## sayhello (Feb 20, 2017)

So .... lots of very good advise here, sometimes extra help from others and also safe remedies/prescribed drugs may be needed to fulfil our expectations .... I find the following very good, hope it helps you 

https://tinyurl.com/z8d5qgy


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## sayhello (Feb 20, 2017)

Also this may help as well and is safe to use:

https://tinyurl.com/zadcmok


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you haven't tried it, try penetrating her for a few minutes, until you are pretty close to cumming and then pull out. Continue your focus on her with your hands, oral, breast play etc. Once you have calmed down a bit go back in for more. Keep doing this, trading off until you can tell she's about to go over the edge. Then you pop in for the last time and enjoy your happy endings.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bbad said:


> .....However, since the birth of our son, our sex life has been terrible and it's been 3 years now. Reasons are many.
> 
> ...I never tried any P extension but have one ordered on the way.....
> 
> ...


A few things. You certainly have a fixation on your Penis. May I suggest a sex therapist to do some individual and couples therapy sessions. Yes, see your primary care doctor, but PE is more of a mental stimulation issue and things like sensate focus exercises with you and your wife are usually part of the cure. 

As to the extension, that will certainly reduce stimulation and give you the large penis you seem to emotionally desire, so go for it and enjoy. 

Still spend some time with a sex therapist. Good luck.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Although I am 65 now, I have not had intercourse for longer than my wife and I can remember. Maybe 20+ years is a good guess. My wife has medical issues and we found out that we are both sterile so there was no reason for intercourse. We both prefer oral anyway and are good at it. In the end all that matters are good orgasms and there is more than one way to skin a cat. I lived with my wife and a shared girlfriend that hung around for 30 years and enjoyed sex with me so much that ever after she got married she continued to have sex with me, with her husband approval which is another story. Our girlfriend specifically looked for a man that was OK with her continuing her relationship with me.
> 
> Enough of the history. My point is that I sexually satisfied two women enough for them to keep coming back for more. Even after out girlfriend got married she still came to me for sex with her husband's knowledge. Most times I did not use my penis to give them great orgasms. A vaginal canal is about 5-6 inches anyway, before you enter the cervix territory which has less nerve endings. Many, if not most women, get their orgasms from clitorial stimulation which does not need a long penis. Girth will help but so will sexual positions that put your penis in more direct contact with her clitoris. As you can see from my life, you can still have a great sex life and marriage without intercourse. You have an average sized penis which is what most women studied have selected when asked to pick a 3D model of a penis they are happy with. 5-6" dildos sell more than all the other lengths combined so you are right in the sweet spot.
> 
> ...


Thanks, great advice here. I read the book "She comes first" and follow the techniques there for oral. However, I notice that whenever I was doing it for a couple minutes she was kind of begging me to come in, so may be it's a sign that she's enjoying it too much and I should have kept doing the oral?

Somethings I want to note here. First, mine is more like 4", so I'm sure it's short. Second, the clitoris is outside how can I position to get direct contact b/w my penis and her clitoris? Third, I never thought Viagra can help PE. I'll try a vibrator for sure.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Spicy said:


> If you haven't tried it, try penetrating her for a few minutes, until you are pretty close to cumming and then pull out. Continue your focus on her with your hands, oral, breast play etc. Once you have calmed down a bit go back in for more. Keep doing this, trading off until you can tell she's about to go over the edge. Then you pop in for the last time and enjoy your happy endings.


My wife does not like this and always say that she prefers me to hit hard and fast rather than on and off. I guess you all right that I was following her lead while she might not know what's good for her. However, if we don't have sex for a while, like a week, I tend to ejaculate right when my penis touches her vagina >. Funny thing is that I can hardly get it if I try to mastubate


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> A few things. You certainly have a fixation on your Penis. May I suggest a sex therapist to do some individual and couples therapy sessions. Yes, see your primary care doctor, but PE is more of a mental stimulation issue and things like sensate focus exercises with you and your wife are usually part of the cure.
> 
> As to the extension, that will certainly reduce stimulation and give you the large penis you seem to emotionally desire, so go for it and enjoy.
> 
> Still spend some time with a sex therapist. Good luck.


From an Asian country, seeing a sex therapist is kind of strange for me, but I'll try. 

On a side note, I got the extension, it seems big but the most ugly thing is that it's impossible to put on. Any better suggestion? I bought this one:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002JINPVC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bbad said:


> I'll try a vibrator for sure.


Do let your wife help choose the vibrator! 

Ideally you want something small and discrete, but yet very powerful. Something like this https://www.amazon.com/Multi-Speed-Waterproof-Wireless-Power-Massager/dp/B01N7STCFI/ as it will fit between the two of you during missionary while you perhaps grind more and thrust less while the vibrator does all the heavy lifting for you so you don't have to hurt your back.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bbad said:


> From an Asian country, seeing a sex therapist is kind of strange for me, but I'll try.
> 
> On a side note, I got the extension, it seems big but the most ugly thing is that it's impossible to put on. Any better suggestion? I bought this one:
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002JINPVC/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1


 A board certified sex therapist is a marriage counselor with extra training in human sexuality and sexual dysfunction. They are professionals and have probably seen and heard it all and know how to deal with your problems and hang-ups.

Now as to how to use an extender (not my thing) you might want to view the following videos from a company that sells them. The short answer is the right amount of "lube." Not too much and not too little.

Fantasy X-Tension 3 Extra Inches Extra Girthy Realistic Penis Extension | Penis Sleeves & Extensions | Lovehoney 

Good luck.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Are there any positions you find that take longer? Maybe you should look into positions that 're An little less stimulating to the glans? You can also by extenders that strap over you penis to give it more Length and girth as well as provide a Thicker barrier between your shaft and her her vagina. Gotta assume it must dull the sensation since the can come in pretty rigid materials. Check out a site "Extreme Restraints" they have a pretty great selection of those types of things. And no despite it's name it's not just for bondage  it's mine and my husbands favorite place to pick up stuff.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

I used to be a bit PE at one time when I was younger and overcame that, so I will say that you can pull it off too and grind your wife the way she wants. Don't be anxious or worried. I am in my 40s now and I can tell you that it is great once you throw the switch in your head and really get into the mindset to grind long and hard and give women the type of movement they need to have great orgasms.

I can tell you from my experience that "It is all in your head" - not down there. 

This article describes what I am trying to convey most closely. Take a look. This is the mindset you want. Of taking pleasure in the moment and wanting it to last forever. 

7 Genuine Tantric Techniques to Last Longer in Bed

Ignore the exotic references. This is universal. This is the switch I had to through to break through.

You are getting a lot of helpful comments from other members, so hopefully you can make it too.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

A vibrator and fantasies for your wife.

Stop focusing on simultaneous orgasms.

Make her come a few times, then have sex with her. She is completely capable of it. She may come much sooner after you enter her, if she is on a roll.


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## doheryourway (Mar 13, 2017)

The reasons for short sexual endurance could be following:
1) Fears to lose erection – therefore you are doing everything fast and your excitement rises quickly. Calm down and regulate the intensity of your movements. Additional factor could be the condoms and your desire to maintain good erection (with condom), which sometimes could be real issue if condom is too large or too thick and you can't get good/smooth stimulation. Try condoms which fit really good on you penis and are thin or ultra thin. 
2) Anxious mind – you want to have sex, but at the same time you unconsciously want to last it only a short time, so that you can return to the unresolved problems, which have occupied your mind.
3) Anatomy of your wife - you maybe get too much stimulation even from regular positions with her. Try another positions.
4) You allowed the wife to determine the speed of sex and you just followed, but your excitement grows uncontrollably. In this case you have to take the leading role back and choose the speed of sex, which is comfortable for you.
5) The location. Analyze, where do you have sex. Is it a place where you are rather isolated from other people, or where someone suddenly/accidentally can catch or see you. By example, my excitement always grows faster if it is a sex with some public elements.

You can train your sexual endurance - masturbate for approximately 30 minutes and then finish, even while watching porn.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

As others have said a sex therapist will help.

Do your pelvic floor exercises. Encourage her to as well. Her having a strong pelvic floor will make it easier for her to orgasm.

Getting a vibrator that fits between you during missionary sex might help.

Get a Hitachi wand for her, and for you to use on her both during foreplay and during sex. There's a VERY good reason they've been around for so long basically unchanged.

Doggy style is great for extra penetration so you feel bigger than you are to her. With the Hitachi you can tuck it between your legs and hold it against her or get a Liberator wand holder wedge to do it for you. You don't have to move much then until she's had her orgasm or is about to.

An appropriately sized C&B ring can make many men last a lot longer and is probably worth trying.

Edging each other is a great way to get you both practiced in making the pleasure last longer.

Above all, communicate and relax. Talk to her about how she feels, what she wants and how she wants it, and tell her how you feel and what you want.


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