# Need Help!



## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Hey guys, I been browsing this forum for a while and I just joined because I really need some advice. My wife and I have been been arguing over the most simple things. I am the talk it out type when we argue. She is the shut down, stare and ignore me for days until I'm about to have a nervous break down type. We have a stepdaughter together and my wife and her ex communicaties for the sake of their child, school, grades how she's doing, etc. She told me he was physically and mentally abusive to her in the past so, I have a little resentment torwards him because of that. Well, two days ago I just got a sick feeling and I checked our phone records. She talked to this SOB 57 times this billing cycle (30 days). Their conversations range from anywhere between 45 minutes to 3 hours 2 to 3 times a day! WTF! I confront her about it, she completely lies at first. I show her the call log and she finally admits it (its too damn obvious), and she says they talk about their daughter. She talks to him when I am not around like when I'm at work or when she is visiting her family or when shes off. Is this at the mimimum an emotional affair because they basically talk everyday for hours? Why did she lie about it up until I showed her the phone records if there is nothing going on? Her lying and secret phone conversations make me feel like this is more than phone chat. advice please!


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

It sounds like she is not at all over her ex and may be having second thoughts. Even though my parents divorced mutually and always said how awful the other person was, my mom used to wish to reconcile with my father for many years.

But give us a little more detail - how long married? How long was she separated from him before you got together?

You are in a really tough place, because you can't demand NC. The lying about the talks is a HUGE red flag though.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> It sounds like she is not at all over her ex and may be having second thoughts. Even though my parents divorced mutually and always said how awful the other person was, my mom used to wish to reconcile with my father for many years.
> 
> But give us a little more detail - how long married? How long was she separated from him before you got together?
> 
> You are in a really tough place, because you can't demand NC. The lying about the talks is a HUGE red flag though.


I agree with this 100%. 

I would place one of those recording devices in your place and pick up her conversations.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Long phone calls when you are not around? Big red flag. How long has this been going on? 

You may have a chance to stop this before it truly gets out of hand. But, In my book it is already an EA.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

goshjosh said:


> Long phone calls when you are not around? Big red flag. How long has this been going on?
> 
> You may have a chance to stop this before it truly gets out of hand. *But, In my book it is already an EA*.


At the very least.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

We dated for a year and then got married. We've been married for 3years. Her daughter is 11 and they haven't been together since she was 4. According to the call log, this has been going on for a while. I never suspected my wife to unfaithful or secretive so I had no reason to suspect anything. Like I said earlier, it was just a sick gut feeling that I had to do some searching.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd say she was in the midst of an emotional affair BUT her OM is her Ex.
That fact tells me she had no reason to hesitate sexually since they're already familiar with each other on that level.

Odds are this is physical.

You need to put a VAR in her car to find out the content of these phone calls.

Don't say another word about this to her, act like you've blown it off and go on your merry way.
Anything else will alert her to hide it more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I'd say she was in the midst of an emotional affair BUT her OM is her Ex.
> That fact tells me she had no reason to hesitate sexually since they're already familiar with each other on that level.
> 
> Odds are this is physical.
> ...


I agree. It's easy to "booty call" an ex. There is familiarity and ease with each other physically. Sex is almost a given, considering how much time they are talking and her attempts to hide it.

You need to hear at least her side of the conversations. VAR or two where she is most likely to talk to him. Keep in mind though, that you've confronted, and so she will likely cool this down and keep things quiet for a while. You are going to have to be vigilant.

Sorry you are here.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Assume the worst, hope for the best.

Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Put one in her car, the other in the house where she is likely to talk to him when you are not around.

Stop talking about it with her, act like you accept her explanation.

You will have your answer from the VAR within a week or so.

This probably is a physical affair. Unless your 11-year-old step-daughter has fairly serious physical, emotional, or educational problems, they can't possibly talking that much about her. If they were talking about your daughter, your wife would have mentioned to you how it is taking up so much of her time, plus she would have been doing it in front of you. Since you live with the step-daughter, you would have to be aware of the problems and how you could help.

So they are NOT talking about your step-daughter. What are they talking about if not your step-daughter? What team is going to win the World Series this year?

Start to figure out where and when they would have time to meet up for sex. They probably are doing it, you just have to figure out when and where.

Start looking at emails, texts, call histories, don't overlook checking her browser history - her internet searches could tell you a lot (for example, searching for divorce lawyers).

Keep your eyes open for other signs, changes in birth control, types of lingerie she buys/wears, changes in how she dresses, are there some days she dresses better or wears sexy lingerie for no reason you're aware of? Observe any personal interactions they have.

If you start to pay attention to other signs, you probably will start to see them. If this has been a physical affair, you might as well wait until you have the evidence until you confront. If you use the voice-activated recorders, it probably won't take too long.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Wow! I am overwhelmed with the support! Thanks guys. My stepdaughter is an A,B honorol student. She has nothing that would bring that much attention and conversation between the two of them. Lol.. They have all the time in the world! She only works 2 days a week and I work 7 days a week and when she makes the calls I am always at work! I went through the call history and the calls increased Oct of last year. She has a lock on her phone and she wont let me look throught it. I'll keep an eye open and in the mean time project VAR has just begun.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

I just want the truth. Its a shame to find out my wife is a liar.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

What kind of phone does she have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

She has an Iphone, and its on my account. They talking and texting away like two love birds. No wonder there is absolutely no time for me and she always stayed mad at me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Experiment with the VAR in your own car 1st to make sure it works. Some times there is back round noise and you need to get a quility recorder.

Don't forget the vecrow tape, you don't want her reaching under the seat for something and find it.

I suggest getting two one for the bedroom or were she takes most of her calls.

If you can only aford 1, then the car is her safe place, it will yeild some results.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

weird223 said:


> She is the shut down, stare and ignore me for days until I'm about to have a nervous break down type.
> 
> *She told me he was physically and mentally abusive to her in the past *so, I have a little resentment torwards him because of that.
> 
> We dated for a year and then got married. We've been married for 3years. Her daughter is 11 and *they haven't been together since she was 4.*


Now she is probably telling him that you are physically and mentally abusive to her.

At least mentally abusive.

Controlling.

Not trusting.

Interrogating her over every little phone conversation.

How sure are you that he REALLY WAS abusive?

How sure are you that they haven't "BEEN TOGETHER" since she was 4?

What happened last summer through October? Why do you think it increased then?

How is your sex life and general relationship? How long have you been arguing over simple things?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

weird223 said:


> They have all the time in the world! She only works 2 days a week and I work 7 days a week and when she makes the calls I am always at work! I went through the call history and the calls increased Oct of last year. *She has a lock on her phone and she wont let me look throught it. *I'll keep an eye open and in the mean time project VAR has just begun.


She keeps it locked and you can't look at it, but you have never directly asked to see it?

OR

She keeps it locked, you have asked to look at it, and she has refused?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

weird223 said:


> .She talked to this SOB 57 times this billing cycle (30 days)... ...advice please!


Don't sleep in the same room as her, she isn't your wife, treat her like a roommate (like a male roommate), friendly, casual, helpful, etc. Start making plans to get your own place. When your roommate asks you what you're doing tell your roommate the lease and the marriage license is for two adults, not three, you don't want to break the rules, so you're moving on.

T


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

weird223 said:


> She has an Iphone, and its on my account. They talking and texting away like two love birds. No wonder there is absolutely no time for me and she always stayed mad at me.


You may already know this, but since it's an iPhone you can access her call logs and text history (including the actual deleted texts) if you have access to the computer she syncs to. Even Skype chat logs, etc. Simple search for a few files and boom. Has worked for many of us in finding out what we needed to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

The day that I confronted her with the phone calls, she had the nerve to lie about it and said she don't know what I'm talking about, I had the print out in my hand. She refused to look at it and then I said well, let me look through your phone then. She said, I cant believe you don't trust me and then got really mad and said I couldn't look. So, she keeps it locked and when I ask she refuses. 

Thats the thing Will Kane, What the hell is the truth. I dont know what changed in Oct. Im trying to put that together now. Our sex life sucks, which the cause of that is almost obvious now. My wife always got mad over the smallest things. She's the know it all type, I'm the stupid husband, and she is never wrong. Never apologizes for anything. I'm no saint by all means, but I absolutely don't physically or mentally abuse my wife. All of our arguments are petty, but no matter what level the argument is on she makes an effort to stay mad for days.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

The guy: I'm going to Walmart when I leave work to check them out. I'll make sure I test the one I buy and put it in good hiding spot. Thanks for the advice.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

She refuses?

Okay she just told you who she is in a relationship with and that what she is doing is inappropriate.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, and wants to cover up some of those lies. You can recover texts with Dr. Fone or other software for free or a very low cost. 

Get the phone, and the code, or offer to help her pack. 

No amount of VARs, investigating, and so forth matters if you *can't muster the will* to enforce decent boundaries and transparency in your marriage.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> She refuses?
> 
> Okay she just told you who she is in a relationship with and that what she is doing is inappropriate.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Can I get an AMEN!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

weird223 said:


> The day that I confronted her with the phone calls, she had the nerve to lie about it and said she don't know what I'm talking about, I had the print out in my hand. She refused to look at it and then I said well, let me look through your phone then. *She said, I cant believe you don't trust me and then got really mad and said I couldn't look.* So, she keeps it locked and when I ask she refuses.
> 
> Thats the thing Will Kane, What the hell is the truth. I dont know what changed in Oct. Im trying to put that together now. Our sex life sucks, which the cause of that is almost obvious now. *My wife always got mad over the smallest things. She's the know it all type, I'm the stupid husband, and she is never wrong. Never apologizes for anything. *I'm no saint by all means, but I absolutely don't physically or mentally abuse my wife. *All of our arguments are petty, but no matter what level the argument is on she makes an effort to stay mad for days*.


The reason your wife acts like this is because IT WORKS!

When she does, she gets you to back down, apologize, give in, give her what she wants. You probably figure it's a petty thing, it doesn't matter that much to you, whatever, so you give in rather than drag it out any longer.

Recognize this for what it is - a tactic your wife uses on you to get her way.

Start looking at your wife as if she was a child. Have you noticed with your step-daughter, when she wants something, she will say or do anything to get what she wants. For example, she wants to stay out later than you'd like with her friends, so she says, "all the other kids are doing it" and that doesn't work so she says "I am mature enough" and that doesn't work and so she says "please please please you are the best please" and that doesn't work and then she says "I hate you, you are the worst parent in the world" - she will keep trying a new tactic until she gets what she wants.

Your wife does that with you. She has found the "indignant, angry" card works to get you to stop fighting and let her have her way. So you caught her being deceptive about the phone calls (lying by omission, never mentioning how much she talks to her ex) and when you call her on it, SHE gets mad at YOU for NOT TRUSTING her. You did drop the matter, correct (as far as she knows)? So, to her, this tactic continues to work. She wanted you to drop it, and you did.

Hopefully, she'll think you really did drop it and she'll continue talking to her ex so the VAR will give you a clearer picture of the extent of her affair with the ex.

When she stays mad at you for days, I wonder if she is on the phone telling friends and family how mentally abusive you are?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

weird223 said:


> Wow! I am overwhelmed with the support! Thanks guys. My stepdaughter is an A,B honorol student. She has nothing that would bring that much attention and conversation between the two of them. Lol.. They have all the time in the world! She only works 2 days a week and I work 7 days a week and when she makes the calls I am always at work! I went through the call history and the calls increased Oct of last year. She has a lock on her phone and she wont let me look throught it. I'll keep an eye open and in the mean time project VAR has just begun.


PLEASE let us know the results.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get a couple VARs, cheap and effective. It will also drive home the depth and breath of her betrayal when you hear it for yourself in her own voice.

Good luck
WD


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed SHE would never put up with this so why are you? There is no room for 3 people in a marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She simply does not care how she disrespects you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? One more time:
NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sony vars are best: icd.px312 has been used with great effectiveness. Don't get the 30 dollar ones.

Get cracking on the sync with iTunes NOW.

Sigh. Another failed early confront. She will take it underground now. Harder to find.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

weird223 said:


> She has an Iphone, and its on my account. They talking and texting away like two love birds. No wonder there is absolutely no time for me and she always stayed mad at me.


Is that iPhone set to back up to a computer in your house?

If it is you can retrieve all her texts from that computer and see the content in it's entirety.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

weird223 said:


> She told me he was physically and mentally abusive to her in the past so, I have a little resentment torwards him because of that.


Physically and mentally abusive to his daughter? If so, then there's no doubt he was abusive to her also. And since you said...



> I'm no saint by all means, but I absolutely don't physically or mentally abuse my wife.


... and therein lies your problem, your roommate obviously gravitates to being beat down mentally and physically; you're not her cup of tea.

Of course, she may have lied about her ex being abusive, who knows, we know she's a liar, there's no telling what she's saying about you to him.

T


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Well, I thank you guys for all the help, but this case became pretty self explanatory once I became AWARE. When I got off work yesterday, I decided to check her lap top, but it was locked out, but she has a kindle and thats wasen't locked out. CONCLUSION: She talks dog **** about me! They flirt talk about sex, he disrespects me by calling me the side piece!!!!! and they just lol...lol about it. He tells her he loves her and has a cute nick name for her. She apologized to him for not being able to talk to him for a while as she will be going UNDERGROND, but luckily I saw those recent messages. I havent confronted her about it yet. I'm devasted but relieved. I pretty much have what I need to end this, but how do I approach this situation? She stayed at her aunts house this weekend and she's coming home today.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

weird223 said:


> The day that I confronted her with the phone calls, she had the nerve to lie about it and said she don't know what I'm talking about, I had the print out in my hand. She refused to look at it and then I said well, let me look through your phone then. She said, I cant believe you don't trust me and then got really mad and said I couldn't look. So, she keeps it locked and when I ask she refuses.
> 
> Thats the thing Will Kane, What the hell is the truth. I dont know what changed in Oct. Im trying to put that together now. Our sex life sucks, which the cause of that is almost obvious now. My wife always got mad over the smallest things. She's the know it all type, I'm the stupid husband, and she is never wrong. Never apologizes for anything. I'm no saint by all means, but I absolutely don't physically or mentally abuse my wife. All of our arguments are petty, but no matter what level the argument is on she makes an effort to stay mad for days.


F*ck!! You hit all the classic signs for a woman in affair. Only it will be harder for you since she now knows that you are on to her.

Act nonchalantly for the next few days and even try to apologize for suspecting her. She is a terrible partner irrespective of the affair. You are lucky that you still don't have kids with her


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

weird223 said:


> Well, I thank you guys for all the help, but this case became pretty self explanatory once I became AWARE. When I got off work yesterday, I decided to check her lap top, but it was locked out, but she has a kindle and thats wasen't locked out. CONCLUSION: She talks dog **** about me! They flirt talk about sex, he disrespects me by calling me the side piece!!!!! and they just lol...lol about it. He tells her he loves her and has a cute nick name for her. She apologized to him for not being able to talk to him for a while as she will be going UNDERGROND, but luckily I saw those recent messages. I havent confronted her about it yet. I'm devasted but relieved. I pretty much have what I need to end this, but how do I approach this situation? She stayed at her aunts house this weekend and she's coming home today.


Does adultery matter in your state ? And you realize that they already are having sex, right ?

Also, save alll the proof(you might find more in the trash folder). Forward all the message to your personal mail and change all your passwords. If you are in a state where adultery matters, you might have to lie low and gather more evidence. You might also want to start contacting an attorney. And the kind of woman your wife comes off as, you have to start protecting your money.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Stayed at her Aunt's house? Did she take her daughter too? If not, I very much doubt it was the Aunt she stayed with.

Do you wish to divorce it reconcile? I would suggest that she is poison and you would have a very lucky escape by divorcing her. Throw her out (do not leave the house), though this is a very tricky issue due to the poor daughter being caught up in her poisonous and careless and thoughtless mother's stupid behaviour. Perhaps allow the daughter to stay until she gets herself a place of her own or is in a position to take her with her. 

I would not EVER recommend staying with a woman like this.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Remove the harddrive out of the laptop. Hide it well.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

weird223 said:


> Well, I thank you guys for all the help, but this case became pretty self explanatory once I became AWARE. When I got off work yesterday, I decided to check her lap top, but it was locked out, but she has a kindle and thats wasen't locked out. CONCLUSION: She talks dog **** about me! They flirt talk about sex, he disrespects me by calling me the side piece!!!!! and they just lol...lol about it. He tells her he loves her and has a cute nick name for her. She apologized to him for not being able to talk to him for a while as she will be going UNDERGROND, but luckily I saw those recent messages. I havent confronted her about it yet. I'm devasted but relieved. I pretty much have what I need to end this, but how do I approach this situation? She stayed at her aunts house this weekend and she's coming home today.


Oh, dude I'm so very sorry for you. I completely know and understand what a world wind of pain and sh1t this puts people through. 

What I am proud of is your much stronger then I was. 

Weird223, I personally do *NOT* see any way you can win this fight because of who the OM is. As a side note my soon to be Ex wife does the same thing by shutting down and not talking. I also have been told that my EX probably is making me out to be some bad guy to the OM, so who knows what this guy is thinking about YOU. This guy is thinking your abusive and your thinking the same about him and she is pulling the wool over both your eyes.

The only thing I can really say is just go the path your going and cut her loose and move on with your life. Thank goodness the kid isn't yours so its a clean and cut case for you. 

Again to me this is an impossible fight because this OM will just be around until one of the 3 of you is dead. 

What you got hit with is what usually happens during a Divorce the Wayward spouse eventually realizes that the grass isn't greener, it isn't better, its the same sh1t.. Of course you didn't know that, if you did you would have taken it a bit slower and just been the guy she broke off dating to go back to her husband.

Again very sorry.. Trust me I get choked up just reflecting back on my own issues. 

Keep posting to vent it helps.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'd change the locks and tell her while you're preparing the divorce papers (call him by that guy's pet name) she can move in with him or the aunt. Either way, she's out.

Oh yeah, and like posted, take the HD out of her computer.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear weird223,

You have no children with your WW and therefore no reason to prolong this misbegotten marriage. Get an attorney, start the D proceedings. In the meantime, act nonchalant around her while you continue to gather evidence of her infidelity (make sure you keep copies of everything you find in a safe place).

When the D papers are ready, sit her down, tell her what you know (but not how you know it), tell her you are filing for D and ask her to leave. Speak to her in a calm and rational manner. Don't get into a discussion or argument with her, just listen to what she says and keep repeating that you are through and going to D her.

Her reaction will tell you if there is any hope of saving your marriage (assuming you have an interest in doing so). If she is extremely apologetic and begs for another changc, maybe it is salvageable. In this case, say nothing more and insist that she leave. If she argues with you, says anything bad about you or your marriage or refuses to leave, you will know that she a lost cause. Again, don't respond to any provocative things she says, just tell calmly and firmly that you are filing for D.

The point is that your marriage is probably already over and you need to go into self-protection mode now. The extra benefit of this is that, if your WW has any remorse for what she's doing, this will bring it out.

The worst thing you can do now -- especially when you confront her -- is to show any sympathy for her or weakness in your resolve. She will exploit any crack in your resolve.

Be strong. Good luck.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

weird223 said:


> Well, I thank you guys for all the help, but this case became pretty self explanatory once I became AWARE. When I got off work yesterday, I decided to check her lap top, but it was locked out, but she has a kindle and thats wasen't locked out. CONCLUSION: She talks dog **** about me! They flirt talk about sex, he disrespects me by calling me the side piece!!!!! and they just lol...lol about it. He tells her he loves her and has a cute nick name for her. She apologized to him for not being able to talk to him for a while as she will be going UNDERGROND, but luckily I saw those recent messages. I havent confronted her about it yet. I'm devasted but relieved. I pretty much have what I need to end this, but how do I approach this situation? She stayed at her aunts house this weekend and she's coming home today.


You dated for a year and now are married for three years. She has an 11-year-old step-daughter. She is talking sh1t about you to her ex-husband, whom she supposedly divorced 7 years ago because he was physically and mentally abusive to her. They "flirt talk" about sex and he calls you the "side piece." They have 3-hour phone conversations and she has plenty of opportunity to see him because she is home most of the time while you work seven days a week.

It is not clear that they are having sex, but I would assume that they are. Any evidence that they are having sex in the messages you saw?

Do you want to reconcile? You do not have a child with this woman. I don't know your level of attachment with the step-daughter.

I'm not sure you could reconcile even if you wanted to. Your wife may not want to.

The typical course of action if you wanted to reconcile would be to blow up the affair, end it, and cease all contact with the other man. In your case, impossible, because the other man is the child's father.

If you want to reconcile, find a time and place where you can sit and talk to your wife alone, no interruptions, no step-daughter in listening range. Probably after step-daughter is in bed or if she is out at a friend's house.

When you confront, stay calm. Be calm and confident that you will be OK either way - reconciliation or divorce. Be prepared mentally for the end of your marriage and divorce. You have to be ready to end the marriage, and mean it, unless you are willing to accept your wife having an affair.

Tell your wife that you love her, that you know you have faults, and that you know your marriage can be better, and you want to improve any legitimate faults you have and improve your marriage.

Tell her that even though you would like to stay married, and make your marriage better than ever, you recently found out that she has been having an affair with her ex-husband, and that is unacceptable to you. DO NOT tell her what you know OR how you know it. Just tell her you KNOW, that you were provided with INDISPUTABLE evidence.

Tell her that you took vows together, you work seven days a week and have been trying your best to provide a nice lifestyle for her and her daughter, and that if she is not happy in the marriage she should leave, but that there is NO EXCUSE for her cheating on you. You DON'T DESERVE that kind of treatment and you REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT for another minute.

Tell her the affair ends now, AND under the following conditions, or you will file for divorce:

1. She ends all contact with her ex-husband except as it is related to her daughter.

2. She sends a "minimum contact" letter to her ex-husband. In the letter she states that she is choosing YOU over HIM, that she has compared the two of you and YOU ARE BETTER THAN HIM in EVERY SINGLE WAY. That going forward she only will speak to him about her daughter. This should be a HAND WRITTEN letter on paper, signed by her, and given to you to make sure it contains nothing inappropriate, no terms of endearment, no niceties of any kind, for you to mail to her ex-husband.

3. She understands what "minimum contact" means, it means no conversations or messages NOT related to the daughter. If he sends her a message other than about her daughter, she shows it to you immediately.

4. She gives you complete access to all communication devices and accounts. All passwords and you can look at them whenever you want. She allows you to put gps on the car and on her phone. That she answers whenever you call. That she NEVER deletes anything, not even browsing history.

5. That going forward, there will be no more phone calls from him except in emergencies. From now on, all messages with him will be by email or text, and you get to see them all.

6. That she tells you the entire truth about the affair with her ex-husband, what it involved, when it started, how frequently it occurred, and most importantly WHY.

7. Any other conditions you want. That she throws out any special lingerie she wore for him, that you replace the bed they used, whatever you need to help you rebuild trust.

8. Tell her you need her to rebuild your trust. You don't want to play cop for the rest of your marriage, but for the immediate future, your trust is less than zero and it's up to her to show you she wants to be married to you. You have ZERO interest in staying married to someone who does not love you or want to be married to you.

9. If she refuses your conditions, to you, it is the same as her telling you she wants to continue the affair, and that is unacceptable to you, and you will be filing for divorce. Then do it. Then expose the affair to your family and close friends and hers, tell them that she has been having an affair with her ex-husband and either refuses to end it or refuses to let you verify it has ended. Tell them you have proof. Ask them to talk to her to end the affair and work on your marriage. Don't tell her you are doing this or plan on it, just do it if she refuses to end the affair or let you verify it has ended.

10. Assuming her ex-husband is not married and has no girlfriend - if he does, expose the affair to her. Do not tell your wife you are doing it. Do this no matter if your wife chooses to reconcile or not. Ask the wife/girlfriend to let you know what is going on and tell her you will do the same. Tell her what you know, but not how you know.

11. Leave the VARs in place, DON'T tell your wife about them, and monitor to see if she really is limiting contact to only about their step-daughter.

Tell your wife you can't control her, that you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept and not accept in a marriage, and you cannot accept her adulterous behavior.

Tell your wife privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and there is no secrecy in the marriage.

Try to keep your step-daughter out of it, let your wife deal with her.

Personally, I think reconciling is more trouble than it's worth. You working seven days a week, she doing very little and still bad-mouthing you and carrying on with her supposedly abusive ex, married three years, no kids of your own with her, I wouldn't even try to reconcile. Don't confront at all. Just go to an attorney, file for divorce, have your wife served, and let her find out that way. Then let her come to you and ask you what's going on. In the meantime, just act normal. Be happy that you are rid of this ungrateful woman and that due to your short union alimony likely will be very small or non-existant.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

If you are the side piece, he's the main course. They are having sex. Lots of it. In your home.

There is no way I could reconcile with this despicable woman.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Tacoma: The iphone is synced to her lap top which is locked.

Tony55: I dont think he abuses his daughter. He better not be!

Warlock: I need to check the stage laws and yes, I have to face the facts that they are having sex.

Remains: She took her daughter, but yesterday she came home and WAXED, didnt say a word to me and left??? 

Broken: Its her laptop

Hardtohandle: CALM! dude I know where he lives and works. Thank God I am a rational person! Yes, this is a no win situation. The way they talk to each other makes me sick and almost too much to handle. She's all over him. I got nothing like that. He doesn't take care of his daughter. She is on MY health and dental insurance and he reaps all the benifits with my wife! Whatever he is thinking he better keep his space. ITS OVER!!!


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

WillKane: No, there is no slap on the face proof if they are intimate. Just I love yous and flirting and talking trash about me which is more than enough for me to leave.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

weird223 said:


> Tacoma: The iphone is synced to her lap top which is locked.


Have you tried to guess the PW?

Kids names, birthdays, SS#, old phone number?
Most people use really crappy passwords.

Worth a shot


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

weird223 said:


> She took her daughter, but *yesterday she came home and WAXED, didnt say a word to me and left??? *
> 
> The way they talk to each other makes me sick and almost too much to handle. She's all over him. I got nothing like that. He doesn't take care of his daughter. She is on MY health and dental insurance and he reaps all the benifits with my wife! Whatever he is thinking he better keep his space. ITS OVER!!!


Can you guess what (or who) she was doing last night?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Are you definitely headed for divorce or are you considering reconciliation?

It might be a good idea to talk to a divorce lawyer just to see where you stand and if there is anything you can do to protect your income and assets should you head down the road to divorce.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Tacoma: I've been trying with no luck.

Will Kane: Damn, she just makes it so freaking obvious. She dont give a crap about me! Reconcillation is not an option. Its over!


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

W223, not sure how tech savvy you are but there are PC password hacking tools out there. Basically you boot the laptop up with a LINUX ISO image that you create by downloading image off the internet with another PC/Laptop and burning ISO image to CD/USB. Then you boot laptop off of the image. The LINUX software then scans for all the user account passwords and decrypts for you displaying password in clear text. You may need to change BIOS settings to boot off of CD/USB. Note this way of doing it may not work for a laptop supplied by her job if IT at her job is really up to speed.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is her ex remarried? Does he have other children? A gf?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Keep the status quo...she says nothing to you and you say nothing to her.

And in the mean time you get a few more steps ahead of and get all your ducks in a row this week.

Today you are only one step ahead of her, so keep quit, start planing...you know retain a lawyer see and doctor, join a gym (the gym will keep out out of the house more so schedule the gym time when she gets home.

let her notice all these changes and even the money drawn for the retainer...you do not owe her the truth so make up your stories just like she makes up hers.

of course the stealthier you are the better off you will be, but in the end of the week you have to have your self protected finacially and emotionally (hence the lawyer and doctor visit).

With in a week you will have a game plan and then you can confront.


So please take a breath...knowing you are *now* one step ahead of her!!!!

Again take this opportunity to plan before you confront.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are at a point were its time to keep the VAR in her car so you can hear what she is planning, and get another VAR and keep it on you when she is around you.

This tactic will protect you from false accusations if she call the cops and it records any other threats or promises she makes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short, now that the choice has been made to end the marriage its all about protecting your self and moving on.

You might want to fake a fight with regards to money this will give you an excuse to stop all joint account.

Again the things you need to do might tip her off (the VAR in her car will tell you) put at this point who cares.

Another tactic is be all lovey dovey and she may not notice your colvert action this coming week with regards to portecting your self.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

walk on mars: No, he is not married and he has a child by another woman. I don't know if he has a gf.

The guy: I feel alive knowing the truth. She went into stealth mode and stop using her cell phone, and instead she is using her facebook to talk to him. I have full access to their conversations. I see it all. Ill play it cool. She spent a lot of time deceiving me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is what you can do.

1. Buy a new hard drive and a disk clone program like Ghost.

2. Take her drive out of her laptop and clone it to the new drive using your PC and ghost.

3. Put the drive back in her laptop,

4. Analyze at will.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you're done with being deceived, disrespected, and treated like garbage while you've worked your ass off for the family then no on will blame you. Chalk it up to experience and prepare to live a better life. 

Secure your finances before you do anything else. Then see a lawyer to find out what you can expect in a divorce. See several lawyers and pick the one that seems like the most aggressive. Don't pinch pennies in selecting one. 

Gather your wits, you'll be okay in time. Start the 180 (click the link at the bottom of this post).


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

konusb will get you on the comp.

it goes on a usb stick.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

to Weird123

Your wife has treated you like a door mat; but you already know that.

*Try to keep your emotions under control so that you can execute your plan to get out with the least amount of dmage to you.* It will be hard but get as much legal stuff in order so that you get what you want. 

The damage has already been done so just get the information that will help you get out with you getting the best deal.
Do not get information that is NOT valuable for your plan. Do Not get information that is going to rape your emotions again unless that information is going to benefit you legally and will help with your exit plan. Stay away from the intimate details about their EA and PA; you already have enough information and have made your decision.

*Get some help so that your emotions do not work against you.* Your marriage to this woman is over and you do not need to struggle and be weakened with emotions that can not be trusted.

Do not take anything personal anymore it is all about business now and you making the best of this for ONLY YOU!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

weird223 said:


> I feel alive knowing the truth... ...She spent a lot of time deceiving me.


Multiply what you know by four and you might get close to the truth.

*Run*

T


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Please tell me exposed this woman. If I were you I would mail their conversations to your friends, parents, and anyone else you know. Make sure they know what kind of garbage she is. I bet you they have been at it since the start. I also bet the abuse was a lie or at least a distraction to keep you off the trail. I would cut ties change the locks and even see if you can get an annulment if you can prove that she was still seeing the ex during the time of your wedding. that's of course after you contact your insurance company and cut her butt off.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

No kids = lawyer up and go.

Sorry mate but you deserve miles better, your big revenge is that these two muppets get to be together.


Till one cheats on the other again


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

badbane said:


> Please tell me exposed this woman. If I were you I would mail their conversations to your friends, parents, and anyone else you know. Make sure they know what kind of garbage she is. I bet you they have been at it since the start. I also bet the abuse was a lie or at least a distraction to keep you off the trail. I would cut ties change the locks and even see if you can get an annulment if you can prove that she was still seeing the ex during the time of your wedding. that's of course after you contact your insurance company and cut her butt off.


If you do expose her conversations, make sure you preface it with all the things she said to you about him. Then it will state the obvious....all she says is BS and not to be believed. 

Send it to him too!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Terrible for the step daughter. I think you are doing really well, dealing with this. Hope you have some plan to help her cope with her mother's behavior. It might be strange to attempt to get shared custody of some visitation rights, but it might make a difference. She will have to cope with a terrible feelings.

Do you think she will realize that you have been spending time with her while her mother has been fornicating?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Poor step daughter.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Hey guys. I made it back. I appriciate all the good advice, and knowing that I'm not alone in this type of situation helps a lot. I'm still playing it cool. I've been doing great with the 180. It keeps me tame and from lashing out or exposing myself, but behind closed doors I can't even see straight. I know enough to walk away, but I am still digging because I want to know the TRUTH! Deep down I know I may never find out everything.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Shamwow said:


> You may already know this, but since it's an iPhone you can access her call logs and text history (including the actual deleted texts) if you have access to the computer she syncs to. Even Skype chat logs, etc. Simple search for a few files and boom. Has worked for many of us in finding out what we needed to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our iPhones went out the door (literally, in the dead of winter) after our Dday, but if I recall correctly, you can reset the passcode from your computer if it's on your account. Then even she can't get to it, and will have to ask you to unlock it for her. You can also (with AT&T) block certain phone numbers, such as the OM's. Sounds infantile maybe, but it would certainly inconvenience them. Since you know there's s**t going on, why let them continue unfettered if you can do something about it? Just sayin....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are you saving the evidence?


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

weird223 said:


> Hey guys, I been browsing this forum for a while and I just joined because I really need some advice. My wife and I have been been arguing over the most simple things. I am the talk it out type when we argue. She is the shut down, stare and ignore me for days until I'm about to have a nervous break down type. We have a stepdaughter together and my wife and her ex communicaties for the sake of their child, school, grades how she's doing, etc. She told me he was physically and mentally abusive to her in the past so, I have a little resentment torwards him because of that. Well, two days ago I just got a sick feeling and I checked our phone records. She talked to this SOB 57 times this billing cycle (30 days). Their conversations range from anywhere between 45 minutes to 3 hours 2 to 3 times a day! WTF! I confront her about it, she completely lies at first. I show her the call log and she finally admits it (its too damn obvious), and she says they talk about their daughter. She talks to him when I am not around like when I'm at work or when she is visiting her family or when shes off. Is this at the mimimum an emotional affair because they basically talk everyday for hours? Why did she lie about it up until I showed her the phone records if there is nothing going on? Her lying and secret phone conversations make me feel like this is more than phone chat. advice please!


I fought with my husband at the drop of a hat during my emotional affair. 

Hours a day.

Keeping secrets.

Read my thread. See what happened when I did that. She's clearly having an emotional affair at the least. She's had sex with him before, so I don't see why she would stop at talking.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Double trouble: I hear ya but, I'm trying to get as much info as possible. Judgement day is coming.
Warlock: everything I have is documented and saved, thanks. I feel pretty good now. (probably the beers), but earlier at work, I thought I was gonna lose it. Emotions! 
I'm glad I found my way here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Myka, I read your post earlier, and I truly wish you the best. I appreciate your honesty, eventhough my heart skipped a beat when you said that. The truth hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Unfortunately good news is rare here. At least there's good advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

weird223 said:


> Myka, I read your post earlier, and I truly wish you the best. I appreciate your honesty, eventhough my heart skipped a beat when you said that. The truth hurts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you.

Sorry. I said it as gently as I could.


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