# What's wrong with me?



## unknowing (Mar 5, 2014)

Some of you may have read my other posts about my H and some of the things I am going through.
I am not happy anymore but I cant seem to walk out. I am a nervous wreck most of the time. I wake up with my stomach in knots, I go to bed the same way and pray myself to sleep. I worry constantly. I have no excitement over anything and I dont understand it when I see happy people. How is it that they can be happy? What does that feel like?

I know I shouldnt live this way and I have to make a change but I am afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if I leave. What will happen to him? What kind of crazy thing will he do? What will it be like if I'm alone? 

After saying all of this, I know it sounds crazy but I do love him dearly. I love that he knows when I am upset and hugs me and talks to me to try to make me feel better. I love that he is willing to go out and do fun things just to make me happy. I love that he works and supports me. There are lots of things I love about him but there are also things I just cant take anymore.

Even with the love that I know is between us, there is so much that is driving me crazy and I feel like the marriage is really over. 
Considering the way I feel most of the time, I would probably be happier if I left. Knowing this, I am still not able to leave. I have been living this way a long time (years). What is wrong with me? Why cant I leave? Why am I so afraid?

I am currently reading "Codependent No More", hoping it will help me to pull away, but so far I still dont think I can. I worry so much about what will happen to him. I cant stand to hurt him and I hate to abandon him when I know he has problems he cant control. Someone please help me here. What do I do? How do I break away????


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

First off, you have GOT to stop worrying about what will happen to HIM. He is a grown man, he will need to take responsibility for himself, and once you leave, he is no longer your problem or responsibility. He does not need YOU in order to survive. 

Look at all this time you have WASTED by allowing yourself to be afraid to move forward! YEARS that you could have spent having a happier life. Take one step at a time. Open your own bank account. Start making copies of important documents. Start looking for a place to live. Getting some things in order can help you start to move. 

I dont know what the issues are within your marriage, but clearly you know you are done, you are just too afraid of change. But if you change nothing, then nothing changes. Do you still want to be where you are 10 years from now??


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It will deeply complement and clarify what you learn in CNM.


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## OwlGirl (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear you are living with such pain inside. How long are you really willing to take this emotional turmoil?

I empathize very much with you. I've displayed many codependent behaviors in my relationship and it has caused me nothing but hurt feelings. The more I do/think of him, the more he pulls away.

I have been told by many to focus on myself and if he is willing to put in the effort to save our marriage he will do so. It's still in the early stages but he seems to be coming around. But honestly I think we're too far gone at this point, and he is too selfish to provide me with the loving relationship I desperately need.

You have to change your behavior. It's the only way to make yourself happy. It's scary and I understand your fear. But your emotional strife has got to stop. Life is too short! If he loves you he will wake up. If not, you move on. But give it a timeline and stick with it!

I wish you all the best in your journey of self discovery.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

I know where you're coming from. I'm the same way. This marriage is a hollow vessel now, and has been for somewhere between 6-9 years......and yet, because she seems okay with everything and just goes on with life, I feel like a quitter for being the one that's so close now to ending this nightmare. I feel guilty, scared, etc........... I can't explain it, either, other than we've been together 33 years.

But still, you'd think since she's ended the sexual aspect of our relationship (and watched while all communication got destroyed in the aftermath), that I could just walk away and not look back. But I struggle with opening my mouth. I don't get it, either.

I just feel like one day soon I will just spill and leave. When I try to 'plan' a specific day and so on, I freeze up. For me, it will be a spill, and probably at the worst possible moment


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

There is part of you that is fearful to make a big decision as you are exhausted and not in your right state of mind. This is a very reasonable state to be in and clearly, regardless of divorce or not, you need some coping strategies. I know what has been effective for me in vaguely similar circumstance (pm is interested), but you are your own person. I am sorry that I do not offer more substantive advice, but I wish you the best.


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