# Lost Respect and Love for wife of 12 years



## Want2Love (Oct 13, 2009)

I have lost all respect for my wife of 12 years and fallen out of love with her. I believe it is do to the following: We started dating when we were 18, got pregnant and married when we were 21. I immediately started working to support our family. I soon became self employed and have been up until recently. I have changed careers and, while still making good money, I have am at home a lot and travel about one week a month. This career change has been my first chance in 12 years to slow down and really get involved. It has also given me time to reflect on our past. It seems as though I had been so busy that I didn't even realize a lot of things. Over the years I have caught in a hand full of petty lies (one of which she even swore on our children that she was telling the truth before shown the proof) and a couple of bigger ones. I see deceitful behavior with her when she deals with our 3 kids. If my 11 year old daughter mentions something that may be cause for me to fuss at my wife, my wife will then say something to my daughter to effect of, "Thanks a lot [daughter's name]!" She has not been caught cheating on me and has not admitted to it. There are a couple of questionable circumstances that she has been questioned about regarding infidelity, but denies, denies, denies. After 12 years of observance and learning how she lies, I now realize that she lied about a couple of circumstances from before we were married and realize that she definitely cheated on me shortly before our marriage. I have questioned her about it because I know what her response will be. She will keep up a lie at all costs. 

I inherited a built-lie detector from my father. My mom attests to it. It's feeling that we get in our gut, it is rarely wrong and has proven itself time and time again with many people in my life.

She is a decent woman, but all of her body language, actions, ora say that she is hiding something big. She has been a stay at home mom for 12 years and does an okay job with the house work. But she doesn't ever do anything to give herself some self gratification. Something to give her some self worth.

It is all of the above behavior that has caused me to lose all respect for her. I think I could gain it back if we could sit down and I could explain to her that I have lost respect and why and that I need to know what she is hiding and I need her to answer the questions that I have about premarital actions. But is would be disaster as she would only be hurt and deny, deny, deny.

What should I do? We have had an awesome sex life until very recently, but that is do to my lack of respect for her, I believe. She is smokin' hot, physically though. 

To leave her would mean chaos for our 3 kids, I'm afraid. My 11 year old and 7 year old have already mentioned (in joking about another subject, I didn't ask them) that would want to live with me. But they don't get the choice until they are 12.

Please advise. I have recently been overwhelmed with a strong to desire to love. I just want to fall in love and give somebody my tremendous love that I have to offer. The thought of leaving makes me feel guilty. She hasn't worked in 12 years and I would be breaking up an otherwise happy family for my own happiness. I think that my heart is less important that my kids' hearts.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You've spent the majority of your marriage being tuned out. Now you want to go back in time and punish her when you weren't even there.

To me, this seems petty.

I think you're looking for excuses to escape rather than that she's really done anything wrong.


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## Recovered (Oct 8, 2009)

To follow on what dobo said.....you can't change the beginning of the story or any of the chapters that you've already read. You can only change the ending.

Jealousy, resentment and suspicion are destroyers. Not destroyers of marriages....but destroyers of the people that harbor them. Move on and break up the family if that's what you feel is appropriate.....but when you get wherever it is that you're going in your life.....there you'll be still holding resentment, jealousy and suspicion. These are emotions that that often have little to do with the target and everything to do with the internal condition of the person harboring them.....at least from my personal experience.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You say she is a decent woman, does an okay job with the housework...really nothing negative other than you feel she's been keeping secrets from you and has lied to you in the past. If she is an otherwise good person, do you think she does this for fear of your reaction? That you might hold things against her or leave? 

I think you can have all the love you are looking for with your wife (she's smokin' hot afterall!) by letting go of what may have happened before you married her (she was young and that was a long time ago) and re-connect with her emotionally. 

It sounds to me that she has distanced herself emotionally from you because she doesn't feel you are a safe place to open up...if you can get to that point, you may find everything you are looking for.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Am I the only one seeing that she has cheated on him numerous times? 

Yes, he can't go back and change the past, but for God's sake if this were him saying he cheated on her you women folk would be up in his face about it (my opinion, maybe not fact).

Whether or not he has done some wrongs in the past she has been deceitful and cheated on him repeatedly.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yeah. It is always about women taking the side of women to you revitalized. It is getting seriously old.

He has no demonstrable proof about what she did or didn't do. He admits her lies are petty. He also admits he was largely absent for the entire marriage. If he wants out, it only takes one vote so stand up and get out. But if he needs to paint her as the bad guy to justify it, it doesn't fly.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I didn't read that she cheated multiple times, but that he believes she did prior to their marriage. He said she has not been caught cheating, but doesn't provide any details as to whether he suspects she has since marriage.

There's no excuse for cheating within a marriage, but what comes loud and clear in the original post is that they have enough distance between them and coming up with conclusions based on trends and incidents in the past won't solve anything.


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