# Need advice



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum. I'm going to get right into it and explain the situation. A little background about my husband and I. We met in our teens, 16 and 17. We connected and have been together since. We have 3 kids and 16 1/2 years invested, 6 1/2 years married. Fast forward, I gained a lot of weight throughout the years (was always chubby) not just from having children but from overeating and not exercising. I reached 315 lbs when my husband proposed. He told me he loved me as I am and my weight didn't matter. Well after we married, I began to lose weight for my health of course. I got down to 280 lbs and my husband started to get really insecure and downright began to sabotage my efforts. I gained 15 lbs, my fault not his, I know but it's hard without support. Anyway, 2 years ago, I caught him gawking over some lady while we were shopping. I was at the checkout and he went to get something. Since the guy was almost done scanning our items, I went to call him but he didn't hear me. Some lady passing by made this comment, "I would slap the crap out of him if that were my husband." Well, I had already realized what he was doing and I walked out the store. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. We discussed the matter and let it go. This year I managed to lose 31 more lbs and stand at 249 lbs. I am still a working progress. The issue is he decided to come clean about some feelings he had towards me throughout the years and felt he needed to let it out. He told me this May that for years he stared at other women's bodies because of the way mine looks. He proceeded to say every time he looked at other women was because of the way I looked. He also told me he compared my body parts to theirs specifically my stomach and my butt. In response, I asked, "what do you mean about the way I look?" He said because their stomachs are smaller and he just likes to look. No problem, I look too but I don't compare. I questioned him sabotaging my weight loss efforts if he didn't like my body bigger. His response was that he felt insecure when he noticed other men noticing me. Selfish, I know. He says he doesn't feel this way anymore and that he realized that it's wrong. He has made silly mistakes in the past and I've forgiven him but this has been tough for me. This has left me questioning how he feels about me. It's hard to trust what he says when I feel like he's lied to me for years. I've always been confident and always considered myself beautiful (still do) regardless of my size but this has affected my self esteem a bit. At times, I feel uncomfortable showing myself to him or dressing in front of him. He had never criticized me until he told me these "secrets." How do I move on from these hurtful words? How do I learn to feel comfortable with my body around him? Lastly and most importantly, how do I forgive him? I want to stop feeling hurt over these words. Thank you.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Good for you on the weight loss!!! 

I think.... just as this is a confusing time for you, it must be for him also. I say, take a deep breath, be glad that he is sharing his feelings, let it all go....and keep on keeping on.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that while your weight loss is a very good thing, it has caused confusion for both of you. 

Can you get into individual counseling to handle your self image issues and the things he has said? Maybe he can some times as well. You need would do well to get support through the upcoming changes.

Keep in mind that the weight loss from here on out will be even more of a change.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I am coming at this from the man's perspective. I have various reasons why the weight started sticking to me over 25+ years of marriage. But, my wife fortunately doesn't get after me or put me down about my current dimensions. 

It is deplorable that he treats you this way. You sound pretty self secure and that strength should let you transform your body, moving it to a weight where you are happier, for yourself, regardless of what he thinks or says. 

My initial reaction to him would be to fight fire with fire, find his flaws and magnify them. But your energy and efforts are better spent at making the changes that will get you where you want to be.


----------



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

Thank you so much. I think individual therapy would be helpful. I know my weight loss has been confusing for him. Friends and family are often giving me compliments. One family member said to him, "you're going to have to watch out now." He laughed about it but I knew it bothered him. I don't want to leave my husband. I make it clear to him all the time. He's afraid I'll leave him when I lose all the weight. I keep assuring him that I won't. I'm not one to fight fire with fire but when he came clean about his feelings I told him this, "Everything you feel or felt is and was a reflection of you not a reflection of me. I'm happy the way I am. I'm not perfect, neither are you." I understand his feelings and how these changes can be confusing for him. I'll do my best to let go even though it still hurts a bit. Thank you again.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Gamerlady82 said:


> Thank you so much. I think individual therapy would be helpful. I know my weight loss has been confusing for him. Friends and family are often giving me compliments. One family member said to him, "you're going to have to watch out now." He laughed about it but I knew it bothered him. I don't want to leave my husband. I make it clear to him all the time. He's afraid I'll leave him when I lose all the weight. I keep assuring him that I won't. I'm not one to fight fire with fire but when he came clean about his feelings I told him this, "Everything you feel or felt is and was a reflection of you not a reflection of me. I'm happy the way I am. I'm not perfect, neither are you." *Excellent response! * I understand his feelings and how these changes can be confusing for him. I'll do my best to let go even though it still hurts a bit. Thank you again.


Great job on the weight loss. It is very tough and I have seen how tough first hand with my niece. All you can do is keep reassuring your H. Let him know that reduced weight, exercise and eating healthy will keep you around for him a long time!!! And, why not encourage him to join you in exercising? Make it a fun time together instead of a stressful mess you H has created with insecurities!


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A married man looking at other women's bodies? Unfathomable. 

It sounds to me that he probably was comfortable with your body for a long time but I'm guessing something else went sideways in your relationship. Now the "glow" that masked any flaws you may have had has dimmed and he's not happy with your weight.

I suggest that you keep working on losing weight since you've already done well with it. Worst case scenario is that you'll look fabulous when you dump him. Best case is he realizes what a gem he has now.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Losing the weight requires a drastic change...and although H may be interest in seeing you lose weight...it is also a change in your relationship dynamic. This is going to be a process that ought to be a change in both of you...as you need to be ready not only for the physical changes, but also be ready to deal with issues that the weight had insulated you...had protected you from in a way.

H also has to be ready for the changes. Yes, his insecurities will surface...especially if he had been playing a codependent role in the matter...which perfectly explains his sabotaging behavior in your past weight loss attempts. Yes, he desires the weight loss, but he is also unprepared of how it will change things. That is, of course, about him...not you.

As sick as it sounds...your H supported your weight retention to keep things safe and familiar.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Gamerlady82, 
First off men are all animals, regardless of how you look. If left to themselves, men would stick their penises in anything that moved. I remember way back when I had my first girlfriend and I was still looking at other women (not in front girlfriend). It really perplexed me! "Why do I desire other women when I already have one?" Because men are all animals, plain and simple. My wife is a 48 year old milf that is hot as hell. I have not cheated on her in 23 years but I still can't help looking. 

I would forget about what your husband looks at (although I would tell him NOT to do it in front of you because that is a lack of respect) and concentrate on yourself. Make yourself as hot at you can, forget about what he says and rock his world. Be secure with yourself, who you are and what you are. That is enough for any man. 

If you catch him looking at women while in your presence just remember men are all wild animals wanting to seed everything in their path. It's nothing personal


----------



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

"Men are all wild animals" lol! This made me laugh. Aside from that, I know that my weight loss has brought changes in both of us. For instance, I have more confidence. I dress up more often, wear a bit of makeup, and let my hair down. He makes compliments all the time and says he appreciates that I do these things. On the other hand, he gets really protective and jealous whenever men look at me. My weight was a protective shield for me. I experienced attention from older men in my early teens which was creepy for me. I also was sexually assaulted by a 28 year old man when I was 14. I dealt with this in therapy and it made life easier. 

I know he's going to look but I don't appreciate him comparing me to other women. Throughout the years, he's always looked and it never bothered me. I don't know what changed that made him unhappy with my weight. I know I became unhappy with my weight and I chose to change it. I explained that it's for the better. My main priority for losing the weight was and still is health related. We exercise together whenever we have time. During the summer, we hiked at least twice a week. I've tried my best to get over the hurt his words caused me but it's been difficult. We both have to adjust to the new me. I really appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you.


----------



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

@UMP. I've made it really clear to him that it's disrespectful to me when he looks. Guess what? He still does it. Granted, it's not as often as before but it still happens. I've just started ignoring it because I'm not the type to drive myself crazy over someone else's behavior. Him looking only became a real issue when he told me he literally stood there looking at me then at them, back at me then back at them comparing our body parts.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

This might seem a bit trivial but say this....Honey, you can check the menu but you'd better come home to Eat...

When my wife and I married, she told me one day that she was do reliant upon my strength, i.e., she was getting weakened, perhaps not physically but socially, spiritually, even intellectually because she could just ask me for answers. After a while she decided that although we both are stronger as a team, we are at our best when we are both independently STRONG, when we stand on our own. I think you need to get to the point where you are confident and secure in your own self, in the body you have, in what you create (a home environment, in earning, etc.) and then hubby will be compelled to try to catch up with you!!


----------



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

@ankh...I'm slowly getting my confidence up little by little. His words did affect my self esteem a bit but again I'm working on it. I'm pretty independent already. I attended college, graduated this year, and just obtained a great position in a local hospital. I manage our finances most of the time. I feel good most of the time but I absolutely understand what you're saying and I agree. Thank you for your input.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gamerlady82 said:


> "Men are all wild animals" lol! This made me laugh. Aside from that, I know that my weight loss has brought changes in both of us. For instance, I have more confidence. I dress up more often, wear a bit of makeup, and let my hair down. He makes compliments all the time and says he appreciates that I do these things. On the other hand, he gets really protective and jealous whenever men look at me. My weight was a protective shield for me. I experienced attention from older men in my early teens which was creepy for me. I also was sexually assaulted by a 28 year old man when I was 14. I dealt with this in therapy and it made life easier.
> 
> I know he's going to look but* I don't appreciate him comparing me to other women*. Throughout the years, he's always looked and it never bothered me. I don't know what changed that made him unhappy with my weight. I know I became unhappy with my weight and I chose to change it. I explained that it's for the better. My main priority for losing the weight was and still is health related. We exercise together whenever we have time. During the summer, we hiked at least twice a week. I've tried my best to get over the hurt his words caused me but it's been difficult. We both have to adjust to the new me. I really appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you.


At one point you felt that he was sabotaging your weight loss. I think you said by not cooperating with your diet. But you were able to overcome that.

His new thing of looking to openly at other women and telling you that he is comparing their body to yours might just be another way of sabotaging your weightless. He knows that your emotions have a lot to do with your weight. So it's a great, passive aggressive way to undercut your continued success.

Don't give him a lot of attention for it. Just realize that this is him trying to get back to a point in the relationship where he felt safer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gamerlady82 said:


> @ankh...I'm slowly getting my confidence up little by little. His words did affect my self esteem a bit but again I'm working on it. I'm pretty independent already. I attended college, graduated this year, and just obtained a great position in a local hospital. I manage our finances most of the time. I feel good most of the time but I absolutely understand what you're saying and I agree. Thank you for your input.


You are coming into your own. Keep the course.

I think that your husband is struggling with the changes, feeling less secure. Hopefully he will catch up with you.


----------



## Gamerlady82 (Dec 22, 2014)

@EleGirl. Reading your post, I felt an epiphany because I didn't consider his behavior sabotaging but I think you're right. I have already chosen to ignore him and let him deal with his insecurities while still assuring him that I love him and that I'm not leaving him because of my weight loss. Thank you for your comment, it was really helpful.


----------

