# Help need advice after affair am I an idiot or what?



## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Help - this is a long story - I have been married 16 years with 2 children. 
It's the same old story. Get married, have children, I focus on children, neither of us communicate, husband feels neglected, has affair. Back in February my husband confessed to a two-year affair that devastated me. This affair came to a head only because the other woman's husband found out and threatened to tell me, otherwise it would have carried on. I won't lie, our relationship was at rock bottom, no sex we lived more like brother and sister and went through the motions of being a family but neither of us were happy. I understand the reasons behind the affair, over time I can get over it, learn to forgive and ultimately I want to fight for my marriage. 
The past seven months have been great. I've took up running which I love and have lost three stone in weight and most of all I feel confident and stronger and I'm happy with who I am. I get help more around the house, our sex life is fantastic, we go out at every opportunity. Obviously my husband has to regain my trust and I know over time the raw feelings over the affair and betrayal will fade. I feel that we are both trying to get through this together BUT ONE BIG PROBLEM:
The affair my husband had was not just about sex but emotional as well as two years is a long time. I knew this and talked with my husband about this, I knew it wouldn't end overnight and I expected contact to continue. 
During the seven months since the affair I have dealt with the other woman's husband coming to my house to tell me they are still contacting each other which I knew anyway, her sending messages telling me do I know about the contact still. I have always shied away from confrontation but I now stand up for myself more, I've had the usual slanging match on the doorstep, warning her off etc.
My husband assures me that it ended seven months ago but my problem is still the contact. I came to a point where I asked him to promise me he wouldn't contact her again - he couldn't do that. Am I stupid to put up with this? I feel that I have given 100% in the last seven months to try and save our marriage because I love him. To know that he won't stop the contact feels like a kick in the teeth, surely if he wants our marriage to work he should stop now after seven months. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and he'll never walk away.
He says that things are fading, but I checked his phone on Monday and the message was general but ended 'have a nice day sexy!' - the same sort of messages he sends me. I confronted him, through coffee over him, packed his bag for him and screamed at him to get out! - but when it came down to it I backed down because I don't want him to go, I still love him and I admit although I'm stronger I can't imagine being on my own with two children.
AM I STUPID - do I give it more time and hope things do fade with her. Is he keeping his options open - he claims he'll never be with her even if we do split up. He says he opened up to her when things were bad between us and he doesn't hate her.
I can understand this but only to a certain point. To read the message the other day tells me different. I've told him to sort himself out, I don't think he knows what he wants, but he still tells me he won't leave. He also told her at the beginning of the affair that he wouldn't leave me. Why do they still contact each other if they both know it was over? Are they both laughing at me behind my back? is it genuinely just texting? 
Emotionally I'm up and down hour by hour day by day - it now feels that I'm back to square one again, trusting is going to be hard, do I give it best now or wait and see. Can someone give me sensible advice and help me move forward PLEASE!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You aren't stupid but you may be unrealistic. You can insist their affair end. Her husband can insist the same. There are only two people on earth who can decide when it's over and that's your husband and this other woman. It's great that you understand the reasons behind the affair and that you can forgive but perhaps your husband is having a harder time forgiving you. The neglect occurred before the affair. This affair went on for two years under the nose of a wife who had been married at least 14 years! I can't imagine my wife having an affair for two weeks without me figuring out something was up unless I just wasn't paying attention. You say he has to regain your trust but don't you also have to regain his? The past 7 months have seemed great to you but he's still emotionally attached to another woman. I wonder if this reconcilliation is more your idea and the other husband's idea than their's. He just needs to make a decision.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

Well, understand that you are sad. 
I always believe that your own life is controled in your own hands, if you can not enforce your own boundaries, then, nobody can help that. worse, he might try to break it again and again. he has shown you what can be done with or without your consent. that stupid man, he cheated on you , hurts you, you are the victim, but he behaves like he is the victim, try to negotiate with you. he doesn't feel guilty at all. it's ok that you forgive him, but if you forgive him too quickly, without costing him any pain, then, he will forget his own fault and forgive himself even quicklier. I can forgive a cheating man once, but he has to completely break the contact 100%, no nigotiation here. you have my forgiveness, it's my kindness and my generosity, not your loot, then, be grateful. if he doesn't want to or not able to do it, then, better let him go.to keep him means keeping hurting yourself. you can drive a horse to the water, but you can not make it drink. if you try to do it, you are wasting your time and disppointing yourself. Love is not a one way street. I would never love a man who only knew how to hurt me.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

I feel your pain. I told my husband to think about how things might be different if he expended the same time and energy into our relationship as he put into his emotional affairs. I also let him know that it was unfair for him to show consideration to these other women when he should be showing consideration to me. Tell him to turn the situation around and tell you honestly what he would expect or want from you, if it had been you that had the affair. My husband and I go through these scenarios fairly regularly, but given time I hope that they will become less and become second nature again.
Example: 
Him: I should text J---our plans for blah blah blah.
Me: What would you expect from me in this situation?
Him: I got an email from I--- but I didnt reply because I know that it would upset you.
Me: Thank You, because I know that it would upset you if I were emailing an old lover who needed emotional support.
Him: I changed my workout scedule, K---- will have to find another buddy at the gym. I cant see her anymore because I would expect the same from you.
Me: Thank You, I love you for doing this for me. 
Now a few example on my efforts:
Me: Lets go for a bike ride. (I dont ride as much as he would like)
Him: Okay, how soon can you be ready.
Me: I can give you a pretty good workout here at home..wanna fool around?
Him: Heck Yeah!
Only time will tell and for both of us it is moment to moment. You will find that there are good days and bad and we can only hope the good become more frequent. I dont know if I could tolerate my husband breaking things off gradually.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks for your reply hope4us - it's nice to share my problem with someone in a similar situation.
We've talked for hours about this - I have given him an ultimatum but although I'm a lot stronger than 7 months ago - I end up backing down and telling him not to go. I'm not strong enough. The examples and conversations you describe with your situation - we have been through - we both are really trying and making an effort. For years I shut my own feelings out and would never talk or communicate. If he tried discuss anything with me I just walked away. This frustrated him badly.
He says I've now changed completely - I openly discuss my feelings with him constantly, although he says this is good, it also feels strange to him and needs time getting used to it.
As for still contacting her, he says that it feels like why he still has a photograph of his late grandad up on the shelf - it's just there. I told him that surely memories are within you that you'll always keep. He keeps saying that he doesn't hate her and can't cut her dead - guilt I suppose. But I told him that surely he is making things worse for her if she still thinks there might be something there for her. I told him that he doesn't have to be cruel to her or blunt - just cool things by sending texts back like 'can't talk now busy text you later' - then not text her back and wait for her to contact again. Similar scenarios and therefore surely she will get the message over time. He says things are fading but he knows that this situation can't continue and I won't put up with it for much longer. I feel that the ball is now in his court and most of the above we talked about yesterday. I told him that I'm trying to handle this situation but that my emotions are up and down daily and if too many down days happen I don't know what will happen further down the line. I'm giving it a little longer to see if he just brushes these conversations we've had aside but still continues to contact her - if so then the writings on the wall.
Thanks again for your advice - I'll let you know how things go.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

We had a similar conversation about the contact. I did suggest to him that if he ever did contact them, he should incorporate some positive aspects of our relationship. I explained to him that maybe this would give them a clue as to his being unavailable. He has given me excuses too, and I have to explain that I see it as complete disregard to me. 
I am in the same boat as far as the feeling strong enough to back away. We own a business together that I play a key role in. It scares me to think about what this could do to us. I am not sure if I could continue to work with him if we separated. I also know that his success is largly due to my hard work as his business manager and financial officer. It kills me to think about how it would effect our kids, employees and business associates. When I feel bitter, I think about taking him to the cleaners and yet my logical side has so much pride in what we have accomplished. 
I have to take things one day at a time.
I would like to say that I cant believe that this is happening to me...but after reading these forums....same thing, diferent story.


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## Ravensno (Sep 3, 2010)

Is the other woman a co-worker?


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

No they do not work together - he has no social or work related contact with her
She lives within 2 miles of us - the only possibility of seeing her is by driving by or at shopping etc
I assume you are suggesting that it is easier for him if they are not in constact close contact such as work?
Let me know what you think
Thanks GREEN


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

*"I assume you are suggesting that it is easier for him if they are not in constact close contact such as work?"*


Indeed, any contact is bad.. a clean break. Words are no contact what so ever


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Can anybody give me pointers that I can pass on to my husband to help him finish all contact with the other woman. I can't make him do anything, but some advise would be helpful.
Thanks
GREEN


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## lemmbone (Sep 6, 2010)

Your Not Stupid,
You are simply Hurting and my guess is that you are a Mother who wants to keep a family and nothing is wrong with that,Being a Man, sometimes we are Emotionless and its in our Genes and it sucks, But to be honest with you, i think that this will go on forever and i'm all about keeping love for the family and i really hate to see people Split up, but If it were in your Shoe's, I would leave, because you Are to good for that and you might want to start believing that and soon you will be back on your feet wondering why you let it go This FAR! It's time to live Now!


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

I guess I sound desparate


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ther has to be no contact what so ever or it will not work
In my case I saw the no contact letter/text and and witnessed the OM reply and reply and reply, with no response from my W.
This was a demand from me not an option for hear. 
At times my W asked if she could at least give him a explaination, (she felt bad for the dump)my reply was "look at the last text we sent(no contact letter) remember the part were you explained that YOU wanted to work on marraige". I also felt the OM didn't need and explanation but the books say its the best way. 
I'll never forget the OM's first reply after no contact letter "thats great your working things out ,do you want to meet, lets talk" 
This guys a dirt bag-all cheaters are dirt bags. Tell your husband to stop talking with this vampire for his own good.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm still upset
I think its BS "you cant make him do anything" 
You should pretend not to care, Your husband can tell/see your desperation make him think your ready for the big D and if he doesnt comply to the basic rules of reconcilation he's in for big trouble ahead.
be stong, fight for your marriage, and tell the vampire to feast on some other family.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Yours is a little bit different scenario than the usual around here.

as u & others have alluded to, u know u r partially responsible in leaving him in a weakened/needy state for so long that made it all to easy for him to fail u & look elsewhere for sex and companionship. we dont know the OW's story but, since she too is/was marr'd, we can assume its similar to your H's.

someone mentioned this was ongoing for 2 yrs, and u didnt suspect anything was going on? is this true? if so, then this speaks volumes on how poor yer rel'shp is/was, and how much work there needs to be done in order to resurrect a REAL marriage (that maybe didnt exist to begin with?).

so count me slow or dumb but, i dont get it when someone is talking about or emphasizing forgive/forget issues when they basically were saying all along "go ahead, find it elsewhere if u can horatio" i wont notice u or her at all.

matter of fact, i would probably run off with her (esp if she was single, lets say) if i were able to soothe/con my conscience for two yrs as i presume we'd have more in common than just clandestine sex. cant say i dont know how yer H didnt do just that. 
sorry, not trying to be rude here but, i can identitfy somewhat w/ yer H, as i too have been tempted (tks to my W's denials)but not above my ability to resist (as promised by the scriptures).

is he really sorry? or sorry they got caught. and what is the other couples story? diff than yers?

i hope alls well that ends well. u keep us posted. shalom.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

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My husband and I have talked about this.
I told him that this situation is unacceptable and that he must see for us to move forward he has to stop all contact. I know that I can't wipe out what happened or the years before when our marriage was really bad, but he has to show committment by cutting contact. I'm giving 100% and I feel that he isn't. If he is not prepared to do this then it isn't fair on me, him or the other woman. I told him to think about what I've said and make a decision. I left things for awhile and he has now told me that he has stopped contacting her and he has shown me the e-mails from her and his replies - it wasn't easy reading but most of what I read I knew anyway - I know I can now start trusting him again but I have pointed out that no matter how hard it is for him to do it or how hurt I feel, I must see all messages, e-mails etc otherwise if things remain quiet, I will get suspicious.
I hope we can get through this - as I said before we are getting on great, things feel different for both of us and I know there's a long way to go.
Thanks


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Hi Green,
I hope that things are still progressing in a positive direction for you. 
I have hit a few bumps in the road since my last post to you and I am sure that you will hit a few yourself. We need to try to not look back to the scene of the accident and focus more on our destinations. Hopefully we dont run out of gas on the way.


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Hi Hope4us

Nice to hear from you. I'm holding in there. Most days are really good between us I try to stay positive and look to the future. Occasionaly I have doubts and I feel that I'm slipping into old ways, i.e. not talking about things but bottling these feelings up. I asked my husband for reassurance even if he had contacted her or vice versa but he has said nothing for a couple of weeks now. The last time I asked him he told me not to force the issue and I feel doubtful. I guess it's trust which will take a long time to regain. I just don't know. Hope to keep in touch let me know how your're doing. Thanks


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## green (Sep 1, 2010)

Hope4us
I'm still struggling - bad day yesterday I had a feeling he'd been in touch with her and when I told him I wanted to talk about it and that I needed reassuring he just knocked me back and told me not to dredge up the past when he was trying to forget - apparently I wasn't making it any easier for him. I sarcastically told him that ok we'll do it his way and see how things go. He knows that means I will just bottle things up and our relationship will deteriorate. But I need to talk to somebody.
Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks


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