# STBXH - WTF, already!



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry my posts are so long, but I have to vent. Here's my story.
Since I moved out during the summer, I've noticed a definite pattern with STBXH. He never compliments me; he will say something nice about inanimate objects like my dress, but not say I look nice. OTOH, when he is mad, it is directly aimed at me: YOU are delusional; YOU are wrong; YOU are crazy, etc. I can predict it. Example: on our anniversary a few months ago, I tried to get into a better mood by getting myself some fancy lingerie (which I've never had) and wearing it under a nice dress. People at work told me I looked really good. When he saw me later that day (neither of us mentioned the anniversary, of course), he said "THE DRESS is nice." What, and I sucked? I almost cracked up at him because he was so true to form. I now weigh less than I have since we've known each other, and it doesn't matter how dressed up I am, how I wear my hair, anything, he will NEVER acknowledge any of it -- and I know I'm the only person he treats that way, cuz he's such a suck-up.  Fast forward to today. I dropped our son off at his house. I had on a (somewhat shorter than I usually wear) skirt, lacey tights, heels and a sweater. TWO WEEKS AGO, I got my hair cut. He's seen me every single day since then, and has not said a work about it, and I didn't expect him to. I walked in with my son's stuff, and STBXH says 'Wow.' I assumed it was something to do with our son, so I just ignored him. Then he turns to our son and says 'Well, what do you think of Mommy's new haircut? She looks pretty nice, huh?' Then I realized the 'Wow' was actually aimed at me. I just kind of muttered 'Oh, thanks,' but why now?! He started dating within the last two weeks (someone younger than he is, and therefore, a lot younger than me). We are finally starting to get our house ready to put on the market. When I was dying for him to say something nice to me, instead he told me he found me UNattractive. W.T.F.?!?! This is really bugging me, though it probably seems like a really small deal to everyone else. Considering what he said to me recently, and how consistently he's NOT said anything positive about how I look, it is actually a pretty big change.
Another incident that is bugging me: a few days ago, I went on a little overnight by myself, with plans to do some hiking. I thought I was on a well-marked trail, and would have no trouble getting done before sunset. Well, I got lost, and it was pretty hairy (dark, snowstorm, miles more than I'd planned to walk) and I very well could have ended being out all night and getting hypothermia, and goodness knows how that would have turned out. It was really treacherous, but actually kind of exhilarating. Friends, family, co-workers were all expressing relief that I made it out OK, and some were soundly reprimanding me for what could have happened -- even days later, my best friends have been telling me they're so glad I was OK. STBXH didn't want to hear about it. He knew the basics, and our son wanted to tell him all the details, but STBXH acted like he couldn't get out of my place fast enough when he came to get our son after school the day I got back. Would he have felt better if I'd frozen to death? I thought so until his comments today. What is up with him? AAAARRRGGGHH!! :rant:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IF you keep this up you will drive yourself nuts. Do not expect anything from this man. He is your STBXH. Realize that he has already cut you out of his life.He might be complementing the dress knowing that it will drive you nuts that he is not complementing you.

You are actually lucky. A lot luckier than a lot of people in this sort of situation. You are lucky that you STBXH complements anything at all. 

For many the ex is nothing but ugly and costic every time we see them. With my ex-husband for the first 6-7 years after our separation he was outright ugly to me every time I saw him. Generally seeing him meant that I had to listen to some lecture from him about how I was was flawed as a human, how I was a bad mother, and on and on. He also used to send me monthly letters saying the same things with every child support check.

Your STBXH is apparently trying to be half nice without actually having any interest in our life.

Move on and get over it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry. Don't mean to make anyone angry. The point is that I know he's being manipulative. There is a reason he is doing it now. Everything from extreme negativity and criticism to raging anger are usually the norm. He adamantly denies any wrongdoing in our relationship, which included multiple EAs, abuse and lots and lots of lies. He is NOT nice to me, that's why I'm so confused. I have heard about my faults far, far more than I've been complimented. It if wasn't so unusual, it wouldn't have stood out so much. He's too smart to send emails or letters that can be brought into court - his abuse is spoken. I cannot go NC, but if I can avoid it without it upsetting our son, I don't answer emails, text, or even sometimes things he says in person. When I'm trying to feel better about myself after he pretty much tore everything about me down to the ground, things like this just throw me for a loop. I'm certainly not trying to minimize what anyone else is experiencing. A lot of it feels very familiar to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, now I understand where you are coming from.

I'll tell you what worked for me.

I told my ex during the divorce and for a long time after that I would only communicate with him via email and letter. This worked very well because I had time to read, digest and decide how to respond.

I had a paragraph added to the visitation paperwork that said that he could not come to my door when he either pickedup or dropped off our son. Instead our son was to go to his car or come from the car to my door n his own. 

This worked very well.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I honestly don't want it to come to that, because STBXH is very good at playing victim, i.e. "Why are you treating me this way?"

So far, my relationship with my son has improved since I moved away from his father. He's been spared seeing a lot of the worst between us. I feel like I'm on a tightrope, balancing what is good for me, and minimizing the disruption to his life. He's only 9.


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