# Anger over wife's affair



## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife informed me about 2 weeks ago that she had an affair. Can somebody please explain to me why I am protecting her from my anger? I love her so much that I'm afraid to hurt her with the things I need to express. Also, how do I stop obsessing over what I want to do to the coward who knowingly took a married woman with children into his bed? My mind is twisted beyond all recognition. I want to hurt but I know it's not my nature. I want revenge but I know it is not my nature. Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

What have you done since you learned of the affair? You have every right to feel how you feel. You are angry? Let her have it... just don't get physical. She needs to see exactly what she has done to you. Has she gone NC with the OM? Have you, or she, told anyone about the affair?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

THEN TELL HER THESE THINGS!!! Dude, you're telling a bunch of strangers on a forum, and you should be telling her! Are you afraid to say those things to her? That she got to have sex with someone else and still keeps her marriage and family, and the douche bag gets to put another notch on his bedpost and your here barely able to hold your broken heart together? Are you afraid that those statements are going to hurt her? Well....I say, GOOD! She needs to know that what she did hurt you badly. That what she did has broke you. She need to know that there are consquences to her actions. That what she did hurt the people who actually loved her.

You need to tell her how you feel whether she wants to hear it or not.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

I spoke to my Dad about it the night I found out. She didn't tell anybody about it. I actually called her mother and told her my wife was having some problems and that she needed advice. Initially I raged insanely at her for a while but nothing since I have my thoughts together. I'm afraid of hurting her. He quit contacting her from what I understand and that really eats me up. I think it would have continued otherwise. I've actually yelled more at her friends than her. I don't know why I'm doing this.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Guess I never thought I'd have to deal with this sort of thing so I never planned for it. You're right crossbar. The thing about me is I'm so likely to lose my mind with anger that I won't remain rational.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> I spoke to my Dad about it the night I found out. She didn't tell anybody about it. *I actually called her mother and told her my wife was having some problems and that she needed advice. * Initially I raged insanely at her for a while but nothing since I have my thoughts together. I'm afraid of hurting her. He quit contacting her from what I understand and that really eats me up. I think it would have continued otherwise. I've actually yelled more at her friends than her. I don't know why I'm doing this.


Has she spoken to her mother since you called her? If not, then she is not remorseful about it... And telling her mom that she was "having some problems and needed advice"? Uh uh... "[Wife] had sex with another man. Please talk to her."


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife did tell her. I didn't want to be the one to break it to my mother in law. I haven't spoken to my mother in law since she spoke to my wife but she has my wife saying and doing all the right things. I just need to express myself to her so I can let go of what's in me before I do something really stupid.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> My wife did tell her. I didn't want to be the one to break it to my mother in law. I haven't spoken to my mother in law since she spoke to my wife but she has my wife saying and doing all the right things.  I just need to express myself to her so I can let go of what's in me before I do something really stupid.


Yes, you need to let it out, but you need to make sure that SHE understands that if you choose to stay with her, it is going to take TIME to move past this. And she needs to GIVE you that time, and any space you request. I would suggest getting into counseling, if you haven't made an appointment yet.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Forget the OM... he's a worthless pr!ck.

Stay focused on your wife.

What details has she given you?
What proof do you have, exactly?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Has your wife told you who he is? Does he have a wife?

Your wife is the one who spread her legs for him right?
Any cheap little fvcker would have gone in between without a conscious thought. 

And thats what the OM is a cheap little fvck who warrants neither your attention nor your anger, just contempt.

Now I'm assuming she TT'd you and rugswept the entire thing, because if she were brutally honest and willing to take responsibility for this mess, you would most likely blow up on her. So like the clever little escape artist that she is( as any WS is) she chose to withhold essential details thus painting the picture of her being a pious maiden who was ravished by the cheap little fvck.

Let go of the virgin mary image of your wife amici.

And drill the truth out of her or walk away


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Steve, here's something that you should print and give your wife to read.



> *"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"*
> 
> *#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions.* If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.
> 
> ...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

And here are some info for you to help you better cope with the ordeal.

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*
*Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey steve---stop, you are way out of line---

Yes her lover, is a total piece of scum---but he has NO F'ING RESPONSIBILITY, for your mge.

Your wife, and only your wife, is where your beef is. Tell me did he put your wife in a headlock/hammerlock, and drag her kicking and screaming into the bed with him---did he do that---you better believe he DIDN'T---she went WILLINGLY, HAPPILY---she is where your problem lies

Yes he gets, to get away with it, and go do his thing to someone else---and it becomes their problem----you need to deal with your problem

Let me ask you---is your wife, a grown mature woman, with a working brain---well if so---she knows what she did/she knew all along what was gonna go down---AND SHE WILLINGLY PARTICIPATED---THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH

Has there been one bit of accountability, or did she just go right back to her life the way it was---cuz if she did, and you allowed it---then you have no chance---she hasn't even faced any consequences---and the consequences arn't to come from her parents---they have to come from YOU.

At this point she more than likely thinks you are somewhat of a POS, cuz if she did this to you---she sure as he*l doesn't think very much of you---go read on the Doc Cool website, then YOU can get sick.

She went thru stop sign, after sign to do this---she happily did it, knowing what the consequences could be

Now the ball is in your court---what are you gonna do about it, besides the nothing you are doing right now!!!!!!!


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

marital infidelity would be a divorce filing for me. 
i would never accept that, i couldnt accept it. 
too much broken trust, the realization you married someone who you probably shouldnt have to start with.

think id just end it, and send the trash to the curb. Admit i was wrong about her, and being married to her would be easier than trying to keep the cheater with me and not be totally feeling disrespected and paranoid.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Steve_T said:


> Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


Yep Steve,

You have just about summed it up right there.

Will you ever be yourself? If you mean as before finding out. Nope. Being betrayed by your spouse changes you at the very core. In time... for better or worse... that will be up to you. 

Oh yeah... the consequences for the OM. If he is married, inform his wife and then just let it go. Here's a truth... The OMW views your wife in the same light. And in truth, she is no less a coward as you speak.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> My wife informed me about 2 weeks ago that she had an affair. Can somebody please explain to me why I am protecting her from my anger? I love her so much that I'm afraid to hurt her with the things I need to express. Also, how do I stop obsessing over what I want to do to the coward who knowingly took a married woman with children into his bed? My mind is twisted beyond all recognition. I want to hurt but I know it's not my nature. I want revenge but I know it is not my nature. Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


So why is it your obsessing over this OM who knowingly took a married women with children into his bed and you are not obsessed with knowing that married woman (your wife) with children (your children) took OM into her bed?

Of course you are angry. Of course you are hurt. But you are in denial. It was your wife that betrayed you, and not the OM. He might be scum, but he owes you nothing. It was your own wife that made the decision to cheat on you. The OM couldn't care less.

Consequences. That is entirely up to you. You hold the cards. Yes, there should be consequences for your unfaithful wife. If there aren't any consequences, she will do it again. Do you want to go through this again in the future? You are completely within your rights as a BS to feel what you feel and say what needs to be said to your wife. The longer you wait, the more she feels she got away with it and may just do it again. She learns nothing if you do nothing.

How did she meet him? Why did she continue to see him? How did they communicate with each other? How long were they in communication before she slept with him? How many times? Where? When? You need to know this and absorb this information. Yes. You need to feel the betrayal and she needs to feel the guilt and (hopefully remorse) for that betrayal or your relationship will never grow from this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> My wife informed me about 2 weeks ago that she had an affair. Can somebody please explain to me why I am protecting her from my anger? I love her so much that I'm afraid to hurt her with the things I need to express. Also, how do I stop obsessing over what I want to do to the coward who knowingly took a married woman with children into his bed? My mind is twisted beyond all recognition. I want to hurt but I know it's not my nature. I want revenge but I know it is not my nature. Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


I feel the same. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair has a husband who believes her lies that the affair was only a friendship. 

I know otherwise based on information sent to me. 

It really drives me crazy, that she approached my husband for an affair, pushed for it, and then when outed lies to her trusting husband and gets to go on with her cushy life. 

That is in part why I filed for divorce.  The anger was misdirected at a her. 

It's my STBEH who broke our vows, not her.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> I spoke to my Dad about it the night I found out. She didn't tell anybody about it. I actually called her mother and told her my wife was having some problems and that she needed advice. Initially I raged insanely at her for a while but nothing since I have my thoughts together. I'm afraid of hurting her. He quit contacting her from what I understand and that really eats me up. I think it would have continued otherwise. I've actually yelled more at her friends than her. I don't know why I'm doing this.


I agree that she would likely have continued seeing him, if he had not dumped her. 

When my STBEH's affair was outed. He dumped the OW immediately. He did not want her long term, she's a whiny pampered spoiled woman who is stabbing her trusting husband in the back. 

Not that my STBEH and her are not made for each other, just noting he did not want to marry her. 

She however, continued to contact him for months afterward.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Has your wife told you who he is? Does he have a wife?
> 
> Your wife is the one who spread her legs for him right?
> Any cheap little fvcker would have gone in between without a conscious thought.
> ...


Good advice. 

Let go of the virgin mother image of your wife. 

The OW or a cheating wife is more likely to lie to the husband, according to studies. 

The OW in my case has her doofey but loyal husband convinced she was forced into the affair by my STBEH. AT least my STBEH confessed and owed up to the affair. Initially, too, and this hurt our relationship, he tried to defend and protect her by claiming they were both equally responsible in initiating the affair. 

The texts, emails, and voicemails show otherwise. She was definitively the aggressor. 

The truth is the opposite and on top of that the woman was a serial cheater with a prior 1 year long affair, and numerous one offs, male strip club lap dances and girl girl stuff. 

So, be cautious in believing anything that comes out of her mouth.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Steve,
Anger will take some six months to go away and it entirely depends on her remorse.
In the meantime, start getting counseling for you. I dont know if you have kids. Dont decide on R or D until your mind comes to some level. 
She has to do heavy lifting for the marriage to exist.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> My wife informed me about 2 weeks ago that she had an affair. Can somebody please explain to me why I am protecting her from my anger? I love her so much that I'm afraid to hurt her with the things I need to express. Also, how do I stop obsessing over what I want to do to the coward who knowingly took a married woman with children into his bed? My mind is twisted beyond all recognition. *I want to hurt but I know it's not my nature. I want revenge but I know it is not my nature. *Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


Your wife knows this... That's why she felt comfortable enough to "inform" you. The usage of this verb is revealing! You're directing rage at the other guy when the main culprit is your wife. You're rationalizing that he somehow manged to deviate your wife and she is some sort of victim. Well... She isn't!

She just means nothing to him. She was just some easy lay. What you need to think here is if you think you can ever trust this woman again and if she actually gives a damn about you and your family.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Steve_T said:


> Guess I never thought I'd have to deal with this sort of thing so I never planned for it. You're right crossbar. The thing about me is I'm so likely to lose my mind with anger that I won't remain rational.


 What's rational about anything in this situation. You're a guy that (believe it or not) has feelings and is fragile. As long as you don't put your hands on her, then vent if you need to! 

The thing is, you're keeping your anger bottled up soooo much that sooner or later, that pressure cooker is going to blow up. THEN there's a chance that you could do something irrational. But, what you're doing is venting to people that you shouldn't be venting to. They understand your pain and it's obvious that you're hurt. But, the person that needs to know this the most, is oblivious to the magnitude of the pain and anger you actually have.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

RWB said:


> Yep Steve,
> 
> You have just about summed it up right there.
> 
> ...


Yes. Inform the other man's wife. She has a right to know.

Being betrayed does change you at your core. It is a permanent change, IMO. 

I do not think anyone can relate to it unless they have been betrayed. 

I don't support the idea of a revenge affair. 

But one man here mentioned he had one, and his wife was hurt beyond words. He said that surprised him because she cheated first and that made him vulnerable. 

IMO, being cheated on is the only way to understand the emotions of the betrayed spouse.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let her have your anger with both barrels. If at the end she curled up in a corner crying hysterically, then you did it right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Let her have your anger with both barrels. If at the end she curled up in a corner crying hysterically, then you did it right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

What consequences she had for banging someone on your back?

she have her fun and now have old life style, family and you ended with a lot of hurt and pain.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

sleep with one of her friends or stranger and send her some pictures and tell her we are even now then file for a divorce. 

I would do that.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You're directing rage at the other guy when the main culprit is your wife. You're rationalizing that he somehow manged to deviate your wife and she is some sort of victim. Well... She isn't!



Guys always attack the other man. They forget that the wife led that other man on. She didn’t tell the other man "I’m deeply in love with husband and honor our marriage, so leave me alone!”


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

She didn't tell me who this loser/coward is, but I found him. He has nothing. NOTHING! Some how a court decided he was a better parent to his son than his son's mother. She must be some piece of work. I've written some things down and tonight I'm going to let it out. I told her this morning before we both left that we were going to have a discussion tonight. Thank you all for your input. I'm sick of blaming myself for this and it's time for her to pay the piper. Thank you all again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> She didn't tell me who this loser/coward is, but I found him. He has nothing. NOTHING! Some how a court decided he was a better parent to his son than his son's mother. She must be some piece of work. I've written some things down and tonight I'm going to let it out. I told her this morning before we both left that we were going to have a discussion tonight. Thank you all for your input. I'm sick of blaming myself for this and it's time for her to pay the piper. Thank you all again.


Let her have it! Just don't get physical. And if she shows no remorse, pack her sh*t into garbage bags and throw it out on the lawn, then tell her to take a hike.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't know if you'll read this in time but Dude, remember. Express what your feeling. Pretty much say to her what you been saying to us. And if you want to do it loudly, okay...whatever floats your boat. But, when it's all said and done, and the dust settles a little. Have some viable solutions by the end. Whether it's a divorce, or seperation or immediate MC. Have some idea's of what you need from her and what you need for yourself. Because if you don't have those things then all you're doing is b*tchin and no one really pays attention to someone who just b*tchin.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Steve,

Many that have posted on your thread are going through the same sh*t you are right now. Read some posts from CTS and Sara, It will enlighten you and make you realize you are not alone.

You have been given good advice by all. Print out what Morituri sent you and give it to your wife after you have spoken with her.

It is fine to vent on your wife and be angry but in the end it will not solve too much other than letting your wife know how pissed you are and raise your blood pressure.

However, what you need to do is set conditions on your wife if you are to remain in the marriage.

1. SHe tells you the entire truth with a written timeline.

2. She has no passwords on her cell, facebook or email and gives you access to her computer and cell phone.

3. She agrees to write a No Contact letter to posom.

4. She agrees to be an open book on what she is doing, when she is doing it and whom she is doing it with.

5. She agrees to get professional counselling, not just a MC but a independent counsellor to find out why she did this.

This is a start and I hope you talk goes well tonight.

HM64


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Steve you get mad. You show her the raw emotion that is churning you up inside. (don't hit her) But she needs to see what she has done to you. She has lot her right to be thought of, considered before, and walked on eggshells for. 
If she wants you back she needs to shut up and take it. 
But you need to 180 and definitely 180 her. You need to put her out in the cold and she needs to see that her fantasy has real world consequences. 
Find your line in the sand and be prepared to head for non-defiled pastures. This is about you now and your wife better make this about you now too or she is nothing more than a cheater. You don't deserve this, and she better let go of this fantasy or that is all she will have left.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, I did it. I didn't yell except to tell her "Shut the f**k up" when she tried to interrupt me or take an angry tone with me. I was totally in control. She had to nerve to say the other guy threw her away like garbage. My response "No you threw our family away like garbage. You were treated as what you are." She has agreed to the transparency that I require from her but only time will tell if a liar is still a liar. I think I read somewhere that my wife is no less a coward and I would agree with that. No argument here. But as far as this prick with whom she did this, he is absolutely complicit as is anyone who has no trouble wrecking a home. I'm not openly hunting this piece of **** down, but if I ever cross paths with him.....Well **** needs to be cleaned up. They are both cowards and so is anybody else who enters into this kind of affair. Anyway, I feel better after blowing her boat out of the water last night. I really want to thank you all for your input. Very insightful!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You're in NC, look into Alienation of Affections.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Good job. At least she now knows the amount of damage that she caused. At least she knows that this has affected you deeply.

Still, it amazes me that a WW or WH can take an angry tone after what they've done. It's like they completely forget the pain that they caused because they're being selfish of their own pain...i.e. "being tossed away like garbage."


How is she acting now? I bet you she's giving you a wide berth.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

I have done that Keko. This man has nothing but debt. The lawsuit will cost me more than his entire life is worth. I'm considering a small claims court action which will at least inflict some punishment on him. My attorney gave his finances a colonoscopy and all he owns is a crappy 2001 chevy impala. The fact that she did this with this piece of crap loser has had a terribly negative effect on my self-esteem.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Steve_T said:


> My wife informed me about 2 weeks ago that she had an affair. Can somebody please explain to me why I am protecting her from my anger? I love her so much that I'm afraid to hurt her with the things I need to express. Also, how do I stop obsessing over what I want to do to the coward who knowingly took a married woman with children into his bed? My mind is twisted beyond all recognition. I want to hurt but I know it's not my nature. I want revenge but I know it is not my nature. Will I ever be myself again? I feel like my wife get's to keep her nice family and this coward she slept with gets to go on about his life without consequence while I lived with these tortured thoughts.


It has nothing to do with the "COWARD" and everything to do with your wife!! He was just a tool to complete the task if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Your issue should be with your wife and wife alone!!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You might want to erase the latter part of your last post.

Im sure just having his car taken away will hit him hard since he can't afford to replace it quickly.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Crossbar, she is calling me like every 3 hours or so to apologize. Every time she calls, she gets a little more of what she deserves. Yeah, the angry tone she tried to take nearly pushed me over the edge and the selfishness in that statement pretty much says it all. I understand now that this is a self-centered egotistical woman that I am married to and this knowledge will serve me well in the months to come.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> It has nothing to do with the "COWARD" and everything to do with your wife!! He was just a tool to complete the task if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Your issue should be with your wife and wife alone!!


That's like saying the driver isn't complicit in a bank robbery. I reject this argument and nothing will change my mind about that. I am taking issue with my wife (who is a coward) and I would with this piece of crap coward if he were man enough.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

Sir sorry for my harsh post.
you called your wife a coward and the other man a coward. but taking your wife after knowing she did it with a homeless loser makes you also a coward with no dignity which is worse and below level than both of them. 
if you have dignity you would have threw her a way like a garbage like what the other man did so she become an example for other people who cheat on their spouse. 

sorry again for harsh words but this is the truth.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Tell her you feel this way!

You should more pissed off at her then the one she had an affair with.. The OM is not married to you, SHE Is! 

Find out if he is married, if he is then rat his cheating ass out to his wife!


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> Anyway, I feel better after blowing her boat out of the water last night.


Now its like my Preacher would say, "forgive her and than get rid of her my son".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I went thru the same thing, I was in shock for a few days then the anger came out and I lite her butt up with my feeling. And told her all she had to say didn't mean crap it it was my time to talk and if she couldn't handle it then she knew were the door was.

Now the next step for her is to affair proof the marriage and get the tools like IC and other consequences like loss of privacy and accountability.

If there is true remorse she will lean into it and do the heavy lifting to keep her marriage.

Its not over brother, there is along road in front of both of you, so do not rug sweep this crap and open it wide open and face this crap head on. 

Again another consequence is her facing this crap and talking about it to you.....no matter how hard and shameful it is for her, she needs to own this unhealthy behaveior with out excusses.

She needs to understand why she has this kind of character/ behavior and change it for the better.

My chick has not only change her life style but has a better understanding of who she is as an individual by looking at her self and learning the tools that will prevent this kind of behavior thru IC and MC.

The point to all of this is your WW has to do the heavylifting to keep her marriage.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> I went thru the same thing, I was in shock for a few days then the anger came out and I lite her butt up with my feeling. And told her all she had to say didn't mean crap it it was my time to talk and if she couldn't handle it then she knew were the door was.
> 
> Now the next step for her is to affair proof the marriage and get the tools like IC and other consequences like loss of privacy and accountability.
> 
> ...


I have made these things clear to her. I've made her face every ugly truth about this I could possibly conjure up and I'm still finding horrible truths that she can hardly stand. My wife is following all the rules and providing all the transparency she can at present but I do understand that this is a long hard road, only I've made it very clear to her that she's going to be the mule that pulls this cart. Thanks for your words of encouragement. That's why I'm here and most of you have been very helpful. Thank you.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Steve T,
> 
> Sorry to hear this man. It is good you are able to express your raw emotions now.
> 
> ...


It was 2 weeks and the same for physical contact. I started keeping a journal of when she said she was too drunk to come home and her information matches what I have. What she did is inexcusable but she is doing whatever I ask of her. I can tell you this, our kids are much happier now that their mother comes home and spends time with them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Been there. Its amazing how the household enviorment changes for the better.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

And ya the trickel truth sucks....I'm still getting crap now after confronting her 2-1/2 years ago.

With in the 1st month alot came out with regards to details, but every once in a while she talks about her old life.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

the guy, I'm able to smile again now that my children don't ask me every night, "Is Mama coming home late again?" That used to break my heart. I pointed out to her what would have happened to our family. That was the knee breaker. She never considered how it would affect our children and never had to deal with it, because I was making excuses for her. I'm making her write letters of apology to both our kids, herself, and me. I will be making sure they are appropriate. I am really sorry to hear about your situation to bro. It really makes you feel like you are nothing. I've found that when I start feeling like nothing, praying makes me feel better. I've never been a man who prayed until these past couple of months. I can tell you that whatever God you believe in will listen and bring you comfort. Anyway, that's enough of my crap. I really appreciate your feedback the guy. Thanks man. Best to you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its all good now we both have made some healthy changes for our selve and its nice we get to reap the rewards from each other.

I can remember praying alot back in the day.

Just so you know you will get thru this sh!t, we all do.....some times with your wifes sometimes not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beelzebub said:


> Sir sorry for my harsh post.
> you called your wife a coward and the other man a coward. but taking your wife after knowing she did it with a homeless loser makes you also a coward with no dignity which is worse and below level than both of them.
> if you have dignity you would have threw her a way like a garbage like what the other man did so she become an example for other people who cheat on their spouse.
> 
> sorry again for harsh words but this is the truth.


Wow, this post is out of line. It's the OP's decision to decide what he wants to do in his marriage. To tell a man going through what he's going through that he is a coward and has no dignity is out of line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steve, 

Take a look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. The will help affair proof your marriage.... especially the "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Steve---OK, so you are on track with R, she is showing, remorse, she is contrite, she is repentenent, you are making her accountable

Next part----the deep, deep down core WHY, this happened

Why did she need to run off to bars, meatmarkets, what was she looking for---she knew she had a family at home,---did she not think when she took vows, she was gonna need to be with her family---FAMILY WILL ALWAYS BE 1ST, OVER EVERYTHING ELSE---so WHY, what were the circumstances behind, her starting up with the scum, she spread her legs for---she knew you were home, she knew her kids were home, she knew what she was doing, could very well destroy, all of your lives, yet she she still went ahead, with her lover----why

Many say it is chemistry---if so, what chemistry could she have had, with the POS, she was with, what did he do, that was so all powerful to her, to make her throw away the lives of everyone around her.

Everyone on this planet, find others attractive, but they DO NOT ACT ON THEIR LIKES---they know what is at stake---once again---WHY---you cannot really go on with this mge., unless you can FIX, the WHY!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya the next part is affair proofing the marriage, hell thats the most important part.

Often the "WHY" is an excuss for the affair, what the "WHY" really means is Why does she have these behaviors and lack of boundries.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Way ahead of you guys. I'm finding that this confession thing is exactly like digging. It's hard freakin work and you get really dirty in the process. I told my wife that every answer I got from her would lead to another question and I asked her if she was prepared to deal with that. She said yes, but as I've said before...Time is the only thing that changes a liars reputation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you strong enough to ask for the painful details of the A?

My fWW had a hard time talking about it, so I would give her a question in the morning and want to discuss it in the evening. This gave her time to really think about her answer with out the pressure and the defencive wall going up. A warning if you will.

Often it was 1-2 questions a day. and the A's were spread out over a long periods of time she really had to draw on her memory banks.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Steve_T said:


> Time is the only thing that changes a liars reputation.


Correction. Continuous pattern of honesty and transparency over time is what changes a liars reputation.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, this post is out of line. It's the OP's decision to decide what he wants to do in his marriage. To tell a man going through what he's going through that he is a coward and has no dignity is out of line.


I agree with EleGirl... Beelzebub is way out of line!

First off Steve, you are not a coward. It appears that you are a loving husband and father, a nice family man, and want to have and keep that family unit together.

Second, it does take a lot of courage and strength to go through what you have and want to hold on to your family.

I give you credit for your strength and enduring love as you try to rebuild what you once had. It is possible with effort. It is some work to do, but in time, all may even be better than before.

Good Luck and hope all works out for you!


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Just a thought on some of the comments on this thread.

It is only natural when the betrayed spouse finds out that an affair has happened, that we feel hatred for the cheaters lover also. 

It seems natural to want revenge.

And by all means, expose the affair for what it is worth. Tell everyone about the OM or OW and let people know... This person has potential to wreck your marriage given the chance!

I would not want someone around me whom has hurt someone else's marriage. I surely would not welcome any man around my wife that sleeps with another man's wife. These people are not to be trusted. 

This is why I call these betrayed spouses 'saints' that come in contact with the OM or OW. Help me, I do not know what I would do!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Steve_T said:


> I have done that Keko. This man has nothing but debt. The lawsuit will cost me more than his entire life is worth. I'm considering a small claims court action which will at least inflict some punishment on him. My attorney gave his finances a colonoscopy and all he owns is a crappy 2001 chevy impala. The fact that she did this with this piece of crap loser has had a terribly negative effect on my self-esteem.


Stop talking about this other guy, it has nothing to do with him, and if you do anything to him, you are not resolving the real issue! Why did you wife choose this scum, how did they meet, how long has he been banging her? 

Look good thing she came clean (after HE let her go-otherwise they would be still in the affair) but you need to get to the bottom of why SHE allowed this to happen. Then and only then can you both move on with your marriage.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Humble Pie is right, Steve.

I'm glad to see you've grown a serious pair of b*lls since you arrived here first. And well done to all who helped you do so.

You've taken control now. That's great. But now you have to figure out *WHY* it happened. 

Blaming the OM is a natural reaction but, if it hadn't been him. it'd have been someone else.

And when you do figure it out, try to put right what was wrong.

Think of it as both of you being given a second chance. Your original marriage is over but you can make a new start now. It won't be easy. It will be a long, rocky road but I hope it works out for you both if you decide to take up the challenge.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

after I read through the entire post I assume she met this man at a bar, during her late night escapades drinking the night away. 

Now in one of her clauses of R; did you request/demand her to get help with this drinking?

You know, not too long ago did we have a similar situation on TAM with WS who would drink herself silly leaving her husband and son alone most of the night, engaging in this cheating behavior. That relationship ending in divorce, I pray your wife removes herself from alcohol/bar so you will have a better chance than they did.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Steve T,
I will be saying a prayer for you, your wife and kids today.

I will pray that you stay strong in your resolve to repair your marriage.
I will pray that your wife remains faithful and tells you all the truth.
I will pray that she no longer lies in her life anymore.

Good Luck

Hm64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Let her have your anger with both barrels. If at the end she curled up in a corner crying hysterically, then you did it right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No Bandit. That is what I did and it almost destroyed us both. Anger is a valid response and it needs to be expressed but in a constructive positive way that will communicate what he is feeling without harming either. Steve, there is no timetable for how recovery from infidelity proceeds. Use the resources Mori provided for you. They are invaluable. Let your wife know how you feel and be strong. Make sure she understands that there are and will be consequences to what she's done. It sounds like she's getting good advice from her mother. Maybe you should express your feelings to her as well so she can guide your wife in a way that helps you both recover from this betrayal.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> Are you strong enough to ask for the painful details of the A?
> 
> My fWW had a hard time talking about it, so I would give her a question in the morning and want to discuss it in the evening. This gave her time to really think about her answer with out the pressure and the defencive wall going up. A warning if you will.
> 
> Often it was 1-2 questions a day. and the A's were spread out over a long periods of time she really had to draw on her memory banks.


Excellent advice! Many times constant questioning can send the WS into major defensive mode. Not only does this prevent the BS from getting the truth it can engender frustration and resentment derailing the reconciliation.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry you have to be here, man.
It's unlikely she went alone to that bar. I asume GNO, I asume toxic, enablers GFs, I asume some GF knew, encouraged, provided alibis...
She has to get rid of people who is not Friend of the Marriage, bad influences in her life.
Make her confess who knew (plus their reaction), enabled, encouraged, covered, helped in any way, shape or fashion.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

I feel sorry for what is happening to you and I remember the same feelings - about my WW and OM.

You seem to be a very caring and well-balanced person, and you are taking all the steps that should be taken after the affair.

But your posts show all efforts from your side - like making her write apology letters and ensuring that they are in proper way, asking her questions and getting answers etc. You are happy because your children get their mom early at home.

All this is good - but will you be happy when the dust settles, and you are alone again with your own thoughts? Take care brother - she might be really remorseful, but it doesn't appear from your post. 

I think you are hurrying the closure. I may be wrong though.
Best luck for whatever decision you take, and take care.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> I agree with EleGirl... Beelzebub is way out of line!
> 
> First off Steve, you are not a coward. It appears that you are a loving husband and father, a nice family man, and want to have and keep that family unit together.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the encouragement. Ignoring the lack of intelligence is not a problem for me. I deal with idiots on a daily basis.


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## Steve_T (Jul 2, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> after I read through the entire post I assume she met this man at a bar, during her late night escapades drinking the night away.
> 
> Now in one of her clauses of R; did you request/demand her to get help with this drinking?
> 
> You know, not too long ago did we have a similar situation on TAM with WS who would drink herself silly leaving her husband and son alone most of the night, engaging in this cheating behavior. That relationship ending in divorce, I pray your wife removes herself from alcohol/bar so you will have a better chance than they did.


The night I found out and we decided to work this out, that was the second condition I laid out right after,"Quit being a f***** *****!" I've found out that she has some addiction problems (big surprise right?) and she's getting help with that already. She has realized that these people she called friends at the bar were not her friends at all. She has cut off all contact with them at my insistence. She will be transferring out of the office she works in to another office next week so things are falling into place so far, but as I've said before only time will tell.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Steve_T said:


> The night I found out and we decided to work this out, that was the second condition I laid out right after,"Quit being a f***** *****!" I've found out that she has some addiction problems (big surprise right?) and she's getting help with that already. She has realized that these people she called friends at the bar were not her friends at all. She has cut off all contact with them at my insistence. She will be transferring out of the office she works in to another office next week so things are falling into place so far, but as I've said before only time will tell.


Remember actions are what count. Sounds like so far she has done everything you've needed her to. Remember to acknowledge each positive step she takes so she knows its not all in vain. Keep communicating.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> No Bandit. That is what I did and it almost destroyed us both. Anger is a valid response and it needs to be expressed but in a constructive positive way that will communicate what he is feeling without harming either.


Youre not being accurate Wulf.

If I recall your story, you had been verbally assaulting your wife for some time before your final outburst reduced her to groveling on the floor in hysterics.

In this case the OP had been holding his anger in... to his mental and emotional detriment. His wife was enjoying only minimal consequences. 

By letting out his anger he has empowered himself and demonstrated to her that she is not going to be allowed to rugsweep. I don't see what he has done as abusive or over-the-top. 

She needs to face consequences... harsh ones: one of them being she has turned her husband into a person he was not before. She's going to have to get used to the new husband she has created, or let him go so he can find a more worthy partner.


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

I think you are protecting her from your anger is beacuse you dont want to do something silly that would hurt the chance of reconciliation with your wife but actually your wife should be doing the repair not you.


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