# Is there a point where you give up the fight for your marriage??



## dianejewel (Oct 12, 2012)

My husband and I recently had a really bad fight at which point he told me he wanted a divorce and tried to kick me out of the house. I refused to move in the middle of the night though and told him that I will not move until a divorce is final. After a few days his attitude changed a little, he went from wanting a divorce to still deciding if he wants one. Then a day or two later he started to act as if nothing ever happened and we were fine. So I asked if this meant that he decided against it, and he said no he was still deciding. I recently read an article online that said in some cases the husband starts to act like everything is fine because either he really doesn't know what he wants, or he's hoping to keep the wife calm for when he does file the papers. But because it's hard to tell the difference, I have just completely backed off and don't talk to him at all. Now he is a little upset with me because he says I am ignoring him when he is the one who was ignoring me to begin with and has refused to talk to me. He is also a little upset with me because I had told him I needed to start preparing myself now for a divorce rather than later, such as getting my own auto insurance, separate cell phone bills, changing my direct deposit of income. He has asked that I not do anything yet. I do not want a divorce and I love my husband very very much. But I start to get scared when I read and hear about other husbands who have acted the same way only to set the spouse up to get screwed later on. In a way I felt tricked into thinking things were ok for those couple of days. I felt like my emotions were toyed with. And everyday is just another day of "I'm still deciding" and mean while he comes and goes as he pleases and does what he wants. I feel like I am sitting on egg shells and any slip up will force him to decide divorce. So now I'm at a point of thinking, how long do I walk on egg shells, and just sit back and watch him come and go and not say or do anything out of fear? Is it just a game? I am feeling that maybe there's a point that I just have to throw in the towel and give him the divorce he wants and quit fighting for the false hopes? His happiness is very important to me, and if this is what will make him happy then maybe it is completely selfish of me to try and make him stay. 

I often wonder if he only stays with me (at least now anyways) because of my daughter, his stepdaughter. She is only 6, but has raised her with me since she was a baby. In her eyes, he is her daddy and they have a very close bond, they are each others bestfriend. Her biological father only see's her 2 weeks a year and she refers to him by his first name. I have made it clear to my husband though, if him and I were to split I would never remove him from her life if he chooses to want to continue the relationship. I cannot do that to her.

Some other factors that may or may not be important: We have only been married for 4 years, but have a history of about 16 years. We have been separated before since being married and were actually living apart then.

I want to believe that because we have been through so much together that we can get through almost anything including this. But I'm sure many other people felt that way as well only to end up in a divorce after all. And kind of feel this might be our breaking point. What do I do from this point?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Obviously, you guys have a history. That is something that can never be replaced, and forms a bond that lasts a lifetime.



> But I start to get scared when I read and hear about other husbands who have acted the same way only to set the spouse up to get screwed later on. In a way I felt tricked into thinking things were ok for those couple of days. I felt like my emotions were toyed with. And everyday is just another day of "I'm still deciding" and mean while he comes and goes as he pleases and does what he wants. I feel like I am sitting on egg shells and any slip up will force him to decide divorce. So now I'm at a point of thinking, how long do I walk on egg shells, and just sit back and watch him come and go and not say or do anything out of fear? Is it just a game? I am feeling that maybe there's a point that I just have to throw in the towel and give him the divorce he wants and quit fighting for the false hopes? His happiness is very important to me, and if this is what will make him happy then maybe it is completely selfish of me to try and make him stay.


My advice. You let him take the steps to the divorce if that is what he wants. Don't do anything out of fear. It makes you irrational and plays with your emotional side. Don't take surveys from friends about what other men have done. It is irrelevant to your situation and will only feed your emotional instability. You must allow him to live with the guilt of divorce if he chooses that route. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Do not walk on egg shells. Start focusing on taking care of you. Do things for yourself that are self fulfilling. Read books and start being a little independent. This protects you for the worst and prepares you to be a better partner if things work out. 

Keep calm and wait. Be nice and kind, but value yourself enough not to walk on eggshells. This also means to value yourself enough not to have intimacy with a man who is "deciding" if he wants a divorce. Throwing the divorce word around like that is absolute crap. If he wants a divorce, there is the door.


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