# Wife Having a EA: Guidance on What to Do



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Hi All,

I have another thread that details my recent marriage issues so look there if interested. A forum member, Thor, suggested I ask for guidance once I have proof this is happening.....for which I do.

Long story short:

--Marriage issues-wife wants me to work out my problems first as well as she feels she is not the core of the problem.
--I have accepted some of my issues of which the key one is I was a beta male doormat for many years.

Flash forward to now:
--From this forum, reading and counseling I feel I am a new man. I still have months go to but this has been one eye opening experience.
--My wife and I are plodding along. She generally does not want to talk too much on our problems. She even at times shows me some love and affection which I am unsure how to handle......to the matter at hand below:

--Snooping per the suggestion of folks in this forum uncovered she is having a EA with a married man (I know it is still a EA as she writes like she is dreaming of a possible PA). She has the hots for him and even made a comment or two to her friends that she needs to keep her options open and plans for the future (when friends thought she was being obsessive over it). She spends hours thinking about it daily......I know 

--I want to try one last time to make our marriage work.....my wife does have a good heart, I think she may still love me deep down, we have many kids.....several are still young, and I believe in my marriage vows....till death (or near death anyhow).

--I feel good about moving on and trying with exception of 2 things that keep eating at me.......dealing with these will make it much better for me to move forward. They are:

--My wife's EA....confront or not? Some say let it play out and have her make the decision for herself (which could ruin 2 families in the process but if that is the right thing to do then so be it).

--My wife not wanting to say we have a chance......yet. She says she does not know about us. I feel like I am making progress and changing for the better but she will say it is too late to save some things.....yet sometimes she want to talk, be touchy-feely and even want to be romantic.....not sure how to read this. I sometimes wonder if my wife is throwing me dog bones just to keep me around for when the time comes to bolt. Funny as she feels lying and manipulating are things she cannot stand. On top of this in my new found confidence where I am that if she keeps this up for the next few months I may even tell her point blank that if she still does not know then do not be surprised if I decide I want to move on so she loses me.......turn things around as that may indeed happen.

So I am torn.....if I cannot deal with or if the above 2 items are impossible to overcome then should I just throw in the towel and cut our losses or should I do as my heart is telling me to continue to try.....one last time?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Gunthar said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I have another thread that details my recent marriage issues so look there if interested. A forum member, Thor, suggested I ask for guidance once I have proof this is happening.....for which I do.
> 
> ...


How long have you been married? The real question you need to answer is are you willing to wait for someone else to make the decisions in your path in life? Or will you decide your own path?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The bottom line is that she can't have it both ways. You have all the proof needed to confront her? Confront her. Honestly, as long as the EA continues, as long as this OM remains in her life, there is NO WAY your marriage can be repaired. You need to decide if you want to be THE MAN for her...or her contingency plan. As long as this OM is in the picture, you ARE the contingency plan.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like you prefer to repair your marriage rather than move right to divorce. So the correct play would be to nuke the affair asap. You have to confront her and you have to expose to the other man's wife. It isn't going to be pretty, but it is necessary. You cannot be Nice enough to bring her back into the marriage.

Rule 1 in confrontation is never reveal your sources. If you have seen emails you have to find another way to explain what you know. Otherwise she will move to a different mode of communications. You can preemptively put spyware and VARs in place for those other methods, but ideally she should have no idea how you found out.

Be aware that two things are going on here. One is she is leaving your marriage. The second is she is moving towards this other man. You might disrupt the move towards this OM, but you have to also reverse her leaving the marriage.

You can work on improving the marriage and you should lead in that direction. Hopefully she will follow you there. Take responsibility for your screw ups and issues which have led to the marriage being damaged. But don't accept any responsibility for her decision to get involved with this OM.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

The affair needs to stop before 2 families are ruined.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Gunthar said:


> --My wife not wanting to say we have a chance......yet. She says she does not know about us.


She's saying this because she's in an affair.If you want a chance at R you have to break up her affair.You might want to move this to CWI as that's what you're doing.Good luck.


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