# Arguments about Son bring out worst is Me and my H



## TryingMom (Mar 22, 2011)

My H and I are confused and concerned about our 13 yr son. If he can't figure out a school assignment he avoids the worry by simply not doing the work. Not turning it in and just saying "well I'm not good enough, that's just the way I am." 

Even worse, my H and I have very different opinions on how to handle it. And... what I see in his way of handling is what I dislike most about my H himself. And I'm quite certain that he feels the same about me. 

This post is less about what to do about my son, and more about how to get my H and I to work together. Our marriage has been in very rocky places before. I don't want to go back to that, but the stress of dealing with our son's situation might put us back there.

Please anyone advise...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

TryingMom said:


> My H and I are confused and concerned about our 13 yr son. If he can't figure out a school assignment he avoids the worry by simply not doing the work. Not turning it in and just saying "well I'm not good enough, that's just the way I am."
> 
> Even worse, my H and I have very different opinions on how to handle it. And... what I see in his way of handling is what I dislike most about my H himself. And I'm quite certain that he feels the same about me.
> 
> ...


I doubt I can advise, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone - our son is suffering because of our (so far) inability to tell one version of discipline, encouragement, consequences, boundaries, etc (he's 8)
Explain a bit more about your differences, someone might come along and have thoughts as to what you could do - in fact I could too; knowing something and doing something are two different beasts!!


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## army-of-one (Mar 22, 2011)

Trying Mom,

I wish you would add more detail to your post. My wife and I have the same issue, but expanded to our three children. I am so frustrated most of the time because I feel she enables the children to be irresponsible, and then does not support my efforts to change those patterns in the kids. In fact, as the kids complain about my correction, she'll just agree with them, and tell them I'm out of line. I would love to hear anyone else's ideas about how to deal with this.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

army-of-one said:


> Trying Mom,
> 
> I wish you would add more detail to your post. My wife and I have the same issue, but expanded to our three children. I am so frustrated most of the time because I feel she enables the children to be irresponsible, and then does not support my efforts to change those patterns in the kids. In fact, as the kids complain about my correction, she'll just agree with them, and tell them I'm out of line. I would love to hear anyone else's ideas about how to deal with this.


Til TM comes back onstream, expand on yours: it sounds as though there could be quite an issue of undermining or not working together - certainly is in our household, but getting OH to recognise quite how manipulative kids can be when they get a whiff of indecision, or conflict, is a VERY different thing
We don't live together fulltime, he comes & goes 10 days at a time, so 8yo has me parenting single handed BUT with the knowledge that Dad might very well do things differently so he pushes his boundaries with me beyond my threshold and I spend much of the time being cross with him, losing it, etc, whilst knowing that's no good for him, me or the relationship between the three of us when Dad IS here - because the moment he arrives 8yo is rushing to tell Dad what I've done, a bit like the classroom snitch
Dad maintains he takes these tales with a pinch of salt but the effect of ignoring (which he reckons is better than validating them with a response) is that I am not SEEN to be getting Dad's backing on things
Spiral as above!


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## TryingMom (Mar 22, 2011)

My H and I used to have the relationship of good cop bad cop (him being the good) but this caused a lot of friction in our marriage beyond the kid portion and almost broke us. (Well, he did break it for awhile, and we have worked to rebuild since - not pretty.)
I'm highly sensitive to being pushed to be in a "pre-broke" role - like being bad cop. I just can't be the only one to be the tough one. 

So as it relates to my son, again, my H wants to take the path of as I see it, easy way out... "Let him fail. He'll learn. We shouldn't do anything." His teachers tell us differently. They see my son's potential and ask us to be regimented with him. So I am trying to be, but it is frustrating and not always 'soft.' (No Stepford wife way of dealing with this!) I'm sure my H sees me as being extreme. 

So I see him in an extreme of 'easy way out' (aka lazy) and he sees me as 'psycho extremist.' We are able to talk to each other about this - and both acknowledge that we are each seeing an exaggerated version of our spouse. (The ability to talk through this together is a huge improvement over how we were before.) 

But I'm still afraid of those moments. With the painful part of our past. We both try to keep peace in our relationship. If its just the two of us we can. But when a stress enters from a third it just knocks us, me, back. 

I'm wondering if anyone can help give advise on really dealing with the "third party" component. How to create a unified front. And keep the peace.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, the way I see it, this is about what to do with/about your son. By resolving the issue with your child, it will automatically bring about at least some resolution to the problem between you and your husband. 

Unfortunately, you disagree on what to do with the child, and to come to an agreement, you have to resolve the problem between you and your husband. 

So it's really kind of a catch-22. 

As for the way you two are dealing with your son: I agree with your husband's POV...to a point. It is, if the child does actually learn from it quickly, an effective way for the kid to get the message that "hey, if I don't do my work, bad things end up happening. I don't like those bad things, so I'm going to do my work." But, it seems your son isn't getting that message. Therefore, that method is no longer really a viable method. The teachers have also asked you to change things, so it's clear that things need to be changed. 

At the same time, though, if you're too rigid, it only makes things bad in a different way. 

With our sons, we tend to follow the 80% rule: if they sit down and do their homework without complaint and without taking forever, we let them be done as long as it is at least 80% correct. If they struggle with a particular subject, we bump it to 85-90%. But we don't push for perfection. And we don't sit there and hover and keep demanding they get done. They get a time table: ok, it's 2:30 and we're sitting down to do homework. You have to do this math worksheet with 10 problems, write your spelling words 3 times each, and read that story and answer 5 questions. You should be able to finish this by 3:30. get started, let me know if you need help, and let's see how you do.

This gives them a goal to work toward, the knowledge that we are there to assist if they need it, and also makes them responsible for their own homework. I usually sit at the table with them with my laptop doing my own work. If they aren't done by the appointed time, but they have been diligently working, we give them a bit more time. 

We also have consequences when they don't do these things. 

I guess what I'm trying to say with this novel (sorry about that), is that you two need to find a middle ground. Something between "let him fail" while he's actually continuously failing and standing over him like a drill sargeant with a bull whip. If you two can't agree, maybe a teacher, or a friend or relative, or even a counselor if necessary, could help you two not only discuss it but come to that compromise.


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## LGSL (Mar 23, 2011)

Have you guys been to counseling? Sounds like the situation with your son can set you off on a bad cycle, and maybe getting some support can help you through a potentially rocky time and also give you some ideas for how to work on things with your son?

I also love this book by Gary Nuefield (SP?) called Hold On To Your Kids. Love it!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Either find a local class on parenting (try United Way), or read some books together on parenting teenagers.


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