# Gathering my thoughts



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

There is a fine line between blaming the victim and denying responsibility. I've read several other stories here, and I can empathize with many here.

In the past, in my marriage, I was quiet. A Nice Guy. I'm working on fixing that - I want to maintain the humility and compassion for others I've cultivated, but pair it with a balance of firm boundaries and strict self-respect. I was passive, but with little aggression at all - the aggression I felt was directed inward at myself, rather than at her. Now, it's my goal to be far more direct, open, and honest - and damn the consequenses.

Looking back, I can understand the choices I made, although I also recognize how they contributed to my propblems. My wife has a history of sexual abuse, and although in the beginning we managed it; as children came along and we grew settled, I didn't keep as sharp an eye out for red flags as I should have. I did, however, get very good at absorbing the blame and attacks she spun back around to me. 

In heavy fights, they'd usually start with her ambushing me, then making her way through the victim chair, then attacking herself - first verbally, then physically, then in worst-case-scenarios, threatening to cut and/or kill herself. Because I wouldn't give in and accept the fact that I was a monster who was driving her to it.

Looking back, I can see that I spent far too much time trying to convince her she was wrong, trying to get her to relent. To calm down and realize that I was not a rapist, that I did care about the kids, that I wasn't a monster trying to hurt her. Now, if things ever got to that level again, I'd walk away from the argument, and starve her of oxygen for her internal fire.

It is difficult, though. Over time, my friends became our friends, and then her friends. My family became her family. Now, she has an army of people who are scolding me for being "mean" and "harsh" to her, and the few who aren't, are still in the "well, you both have to own up to your mistakes, and start listening to each other" state. I've cut virtually everyone loose, and have minimal contact even with my own family, except my Dad who's my boss, and who has lived with her as well. Thank God for him.

A year ago, when I moved out, I did so in order to change something. I caught myself in the middle of an argument walking out of the room with the intention of killing myself. I was praying for the courage to overcome my fear of death, and instead, was given the courage to tell her I wanted out. It's been a roller-coaster of a year - spent a week in the depression ward, had charges pressed against me by an old friend, battled a bogus restraining order, was summarily fired from my position in the theatre company I had helped lead for five years.

Nowadays, I live alone. My wife filed for legal separation when I opened my own bank account. She asserts that I have not been supporting the children - I only covered their rent and food, and didn't give my wife money to pay her credit card bills, as well. Because my wife persists in insisting that she wants to fix the marriage, the separation terms were a bit rough for separation - but they default to being the divorce terms in six months. As divorce terms go, they're not bad. Every other weekend, child support, and 5 years alimony. If we were looking at divorce, it would have been far uglier - she's indicated that she'd use everything against me.

Currently, the biggest argument we have is over vacations. She has, over the bast few years, taken multiple vacations without me. My work schedule wouldn't afford me much time off, and finances were tight, so her parents would step up to the plate and take her and the kids. Shortly before she filed, they all spent a week at Disneyland without me - our family's annual trip, which we couldn't afford to go on because I had moved out. Now, they've got a trip planned to Oregon to see her family up there, and camping in yellowstone. I've told her that I do not want them to go, that it bothers me, and that if she does choose to go, she is increasing the rift between us. She's tried to compromise by offering me an invitation to come along - take time off of work, and drive halfway across the country with my inlaws for two weeks of camping. The same inlaws who found her a lawyer and are covering all the expenses.

I admit here - I'm bitterly lonely, and really do miss the old days. But having learned what I have, I cannot go backwards. I'm worried about my kids, what life will be like for them, if standing my ground is denying them at a chance at a better life. Certainly everyone around me is encouraging me to buckle - although those are the people I've now seen get most angry at me for enforcing any boundaries at all. It feels like I've made the right choice, but watching and waiting for the wreckage to settle creates a lot of pressure to yeild.


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Ok. Really rough MC session. 

Apparently, according to now both my wife AND the MC, my "line in the sand" of her calling off her now THREE week vacation or I'm out the door is simply indicative of my issues with control. I'm so paranoid about not having control over her that I'm demanding impossible things of her. 

Never mind that she just went on vacation without me yet again four months ago. Never mind that she has freely admitted that she has control issues, and cannot bring herself to let of the power in the relationship. Nope - I'm clearly the one not owning up to my share of co-creating our problems. 

She admits that although she's heard me explain how it would feel to have her go on vacation without me, it's still more important to her that my three year old son meet the 16-year old cousin he's never met before she goes off to college in a few years. And she's flabbergasted that I might be insulted by that fact. 

I am so angry right now.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I am sorry about your situation, it seems that both of you will need to work really hard if you want to save the marriage, but as long as she keep blaming you 100% for the problems in it without taking responsability I don't see a positive outcome


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BaxJanson said:


> Ok. Really rough MC session.
> 
> Apparently, according to now both my wife AND the MC, my "line in the sand" of her calling off her now THREE week vacation or I'm out the door is simply indicative of my issues with control. I'm so paranoid about not having control over her that I'm demanding impossible things of her.
> 
> ...


Are you in IC?


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, I am - have been for a year. 

I've been focused first and foremost on regulating my emotions, particularly when I sag into depression. On setting and enforcing fair and equitable boundaries - and on clearly communicating them, in spite of my fears, misgivings, or passivity. On asserting myself when I feel strongly about something, and a bit of practice on getting back into the habit of feeling strongly about things. And then most recently starting to engage those old wounds. I've got a ways to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.

It is very grating to hear her whine about the distance she's created between us, and her incessant demands that I be the one to bridge the gap she is widening, though.


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

However, in the interest of owning my own ****, I do recognize and embrace these things:

Ok. I cheated on my wife. That's a big one. I hugely regret that choice. If I had it to do over again, I would not make that choice. I am ashamed of it, and it was wrong of me. Offered the same choice tomorrow, I would choose otherwise. I am not that man anymore.

I was passive. When confronted by a choice, I would ignore it, put it off, pass it off, or find some way around making the choice. It is true that in the recent past, many (if not most) of the choices presented to me were traps. However, passivity is a bad habit, and not a trait I want in me. I am learning tactics of fair and safe assertiveness, as well as daily practicing decisiveness. I've also learned to spot traps - lose/lose choices, choices with hooks, black/white/all/nothing/A or B binary thinking - and how to navigate them successfully. I am still passive, but learning not to be. And I'm proud of my progress.

I was a liar. When confronted by the choice between a pleasant lie and an unpleasant truth, I would choose the lie rather than face the fallout of the truth. It is true that recently, I faced a set of responses which were over-the-top and terrifying. But lying was still wrong. I will not do this anymore, even in the smallest things. To take even a small step off the path is to change the jorney, the destination, and the man. I am not that man anymore.

I was a coward. When faced with horrific alternatives, I backed down. The shame of the horrific circumstances is not on me, but the backing down is. I have learned how brave I can be, and will not be a coward again, even though it may cost me much.

I was manipulative. Rather than being upright and honest about what I wanted, I would try to find ways to get them to make the choice I wanted rather than be vulnerable enough to ask. This showed disresepct for those around me, and a lack of character on my part. Again, there were circumstances where doing so would have been a risky or even dangerous choice, and the fact taht that is true is not my shame. But that I did not make the choice anyway IS my shame. I am not this man anymore.

I was a fool. I believed things which were not true. I was fed lies, and even in the face of evidence to the contrary - much of which came from within myself - I clung to the lies, and held them out as truth. Worse, I doubted myself, and the things which I knew to be true. I rejected that, and so harmed myself greatly. Many of the lies I believed were about my own lack of value and worthlessness, which did even more damage. No longer. I will cling to the truth, and trust my ability to suss it out. And I know myself better than any other person alive.

I was a hypocrite. All of the above, I desired the opposite from those around me. I didn't get it, and that angered me, and filled me with resentment. I will not be one anymore. I will accept from others only that which I put forth. I will neither accept behavior I do not give to others being given to me, nor will I commit behaviors I would not accept from others.

I did not effectivly defend myself. I have learned that logic is no defense against crazy-making, truth is no defence against gaslighting, and I cannot 'nice' someone into being nice to me. The only defense against abuse and manipulation which is sure to work - while still adhering to all of the above - is not to play the game. 

If this is an impossible set of standards for me to meet on my own - and it sure as heck looks daunting to me as I type it, even as I embrace the challenge - I know that all of these things are Good, Right, and Godly, and as long as they are my goals, God will aid me in reaching them. I may fail in my task, but if I do, I shall fall facing in the right direction - like the skeleton in the desert, mere steps from the oasis. Bearing these in mind, and remembering what the life they brought about felt like, God willing, I shall not go astray again.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bax, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, very controlling behavior, inappropriate anger, lack of impulse control, constant blaming, always being "The Victim," black-white thinking, suicide threats, and a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Of course, only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. 

Yet, for the purposes of deciding whether to remain married to her, you don't need to know whether her traits surpass the diagnostic threshold. Even when those traits fall well short of that threshold, they can make your life miserable. Moreover, strong BPD traits are easy to identify when occurring in a woman you've been married to for 11 years. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about behavior such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and constant blaming. Indeed, you've already spotted such traits.


BaxJanson said:


> ...then in worst-case-scenarios, threatening to cut and/or kill herself.


Self mutilation -- such as hitting oneself in the head, arm cutting, or head banging -- is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, the suicide threats and self mutilation you mention are so strongly associated with BPD that they constitute one of the nine traits used to diagnose BPD. Specifically, that defining trait is _"Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior."_ Moreover, a 2004 study of hospital admissions concludes that,Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but *the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder.* This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. _See _Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI.​


> My wife has a history of sexual abuse.


Did it occur during childhood? I ask because childhood sexual abuse is strongly associated with the development of strong BPD traits. Not all sexually abused children develop BPD but such abuse greatly raises their risk for doing so. Various research studies have estimated that at least 40% of BPDers were sexually abused in childhood. _See_ The Relationship Between Child Abuse and Borderline Personality Disorder.


> She has many tendancies and habits that border on emotional abuse. [Your 4/25/13 post.]


No, what you're describing is full-blown emotional abuse.


BaxJanson said:


> In heavy fights, they'd usually start with her ambushing me, ... then attacking herself....


BPDers carry enormous rage and self loathing deep inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is always there. When it is released, nearly all BPDers typically direct their anger outward onto the spouse in temper tantrums and hissy fits. Yet, if the spouse stands up to them, the BPDers sometimes will switch to directing the anger inward against themselves, at which point they will reveal the self loathing they always carry. 

Generally, those moments -- called "moments of clarity" -- don't happen very often because a BPDer's subconscious usually protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. With my exW, for example, I saw it happen maybe five times in 15 years. But it is a very very frightening thing to behold. My exW would start shaking and trembling. She would be disintegrating right in front of me, giving new meaning to the expression "emotional breakdown." At such times, she would threaten suicide or other forms of self harm. Very scary.


> ...then making her way through the *victim chair*.... I spent far too much time trying to convince her she was wrong, trying to get her to relent. To calm down and realize that I was not a rapist, that I did care about the kids, that I wasn't a monster trying to hurt her.


BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) have a fragile, fractured sense of who they are. To the extent that a BPDer has a consistent self image, it is one of being "The Victim." She therefore will maintain a death grip on that false self image by continually seeking validation for it. Generally, this means you will be perceived as the "Perpetrator," the cause of her every misfortune. Moreover, every imagined fault of yours will be added to a list that always gets longer and longer. 

And that ENTIRE list will be brought out every time you have an argument, no matter how trivial the issue at hand. This action of blowing up every disagreement into an attack on everything you ever did wrong is called "kitchen sinking" -- because they will throw everything (e.g., your affair) into the argument except the kitchen sink. After all, the whole point of the argument is not to solve the apparent issue but, instead, to obtain "validation" of her false self image of being "The Victim." This is why BPDers generally are only interested in creating drama, not finding practical solutions or compromises.


> Not that she isn't sweet and charming - she's a wonderful woman.


If high functioning BPDers were throwing hissy fits all the time, nobody would remain married to them. While they are behaving good, they tend to be very VERY good. It is because they offer this mixture of very good times and occasional very bad times that these BPDer relationships are so addictive and hard to let go of. 

Another reason is that, during the good periods, the BPDer will exhibit a purity of expression and warmth that otherwise is seen only in young children. Hence, in this sense, walking away from a sick BPDer can be almost as difficult as walking away from a sick child. It is something that is extremely hard for us caregiver types to pull off -- even when we understand intellectually that our enabling behavior is actually harming the BPDer, not helping her. 

Generally, a BPDer's problem is not being BAD but, rather, UNSTABLE. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- were both full-blown BPDers if their biographers are correct.


> Over time, my friends became our friends, and then her friends. My family became her family. Now, she has an army of people who are scolding me for being "mean" and "harsh" to her.


The vast majority of BPDers are "high functioning," which means they interact very well with business associates, casual friends, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those folks pose a threat to her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause engulfment (a frightening feeling of being suffocated and controlled). 

This is why a BPDer can be caring and considerate all day long with complete strangers and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love her. Heaven help those casual friends, however, if they make the mistake of trying to draw close to her in a LTR. Then they will start triggering her two fears. It therefore is rare for a BPDer to have any close, long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).


> A year ago, when I moved out, I did so in order to change something. I caught myself in the middle of an argument walking out of the room with the intention of killing myself.


Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. Living with someone who can flip in seconds between adoring and devaluing you is extremely disorienting. You will drive yourself nearly crazy with the mistaken belief that, if you can only figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore her to that wonderful human being you saw at the beginning. The result is that therapists see far more abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than the therapists ever see of the BPDers themselves.


> If we were looking at divorce, it would have been far uglier - she's indicated that she'd use everything against me.


If she actually does have strong BPD traits, you should expect the divorce process to get very ugly very quickly. A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment, which is why a BPDer typically walks out on the marriage after 12 to 15 years. That is, as the years go by, her abandonment fear grows stronger as she sees her body aging. At the same time, her resentment -- of your inability to make her happy -- grows each year. Further, as you develop stronger personal boundaries to protect your sanity, she will mistakenly interpret them as evidence that you plan to eventually leave her. The result is that excessive caregivers like you and me rarely ever walk away. Instead, the BPDer's fear of abandonment becomes so painful that she preemptively abandons her spouse to prevent him from doing it to her. My exW, for example, abandoned me 15 years into our marriage.

By "abandoned me," I mean she had me arrested on a bogus charge (in front of my step daughter) and thrown into jail for three days -- during which time she obtained a R/O barring me from returning to my own home for 18 months (the time it takes to get a D here in my State). Yet, because she is the eternal "Victim," she still is convinced to this day that I was the one who abandoned her.


> My wife is currently throwing a multi-friend temper tantrum because I'm not calling to check in and see how her Individual session went. Setting her friends and family against each other. [Your 5/1/13 post.]


That behavior -- in which one friend is played against the other -- is called "triangulation." BPDers will use it frequently because they are so insecure and fear that people will turn against them when they discover what the BPDer is really like on the inside. My exW, for example, was jealous of my love for her five adult children so she would play us off against each other.


> Big difference from the current stance of giving others what they need - what I want to give them. To do it because I want to because I love them, and not because they need it. [Your 4/26/13 post.]


Like me, you almost certainly are an excessive caregiver or you would never have stayed with such a controlling, abusive woman for 11 years. There is nothing wrong with our desire to help people. That is fine. Where we go wrong is that we are willing to keep trying to help even when it is counter-productive and when it is to our great detriment to do so. Our problem is that our desire to be *needed* (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be *loved *(for the men we already are). 

One result is that we mistake being needed for being loved. Another result is that, even when someone really does love us, we have difficulty realizing it if that person doesn't also desperately need us. A third result is that our personal boundaries are so weak -- and our empathy so great -- that we have great difficulty knowing where our own problems leave off and those of our partner begin.


> On top of weekly IC for myself, I've been attending weekly MC with her.


My experience is that, if your W has strong BPD traits, MC likely is a total waste of time and money until she has had several years of intensive therapy to learn how to control her deeper issues. Moreover, MC can actually be destructive in such a case because the BPDer likely will use the sessions as a stage on which to play her role of being "The Victim." For a BPDer, it is a cakewalk to hide her dark side for 50 minutes a week in front of the therapist.

As to IC, what type of therapist is he? And is he also treating your W? Whenever strong BPD traits are a serious possibility, it is important to see a clinical psychologist (i.e., PhD degree) or psychiatrist who has not treated or seen your W. The reason is that therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less tell her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection). 

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion -- on what you and your two kids are dealing with -- is to see YOUR OWN psychologist. That way, you're seeing a professional who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. If your IC is not a psychologist or psychiatrist, or if he is treating your W, I strongly urge you to see a psychologist of your own. 

I caution that simply having BPD traits is not necessarily undesirable. On the contrary, at low levels these traits generally are essential to our survival. This is why every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of these traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. The traits become a problem only when they become so strong and persistent that they distort one's view of other peoples' intentions.

At issue, then, is NOT whether your W has BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has most BPD traits at a strong level and whether those traits have been persistent over your 11-year marriage (starting after the infatuation period ended).

Significantly, I don't know the answer to those questions. I've never even met the lady. I nonetheless am confident that you can spot a strong occurrence of any BPD trait if you take a little time to learn what red flags to look for. I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD warning signs at Maybe's Thread. If it rings a lot of bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Indeed, there are more than a dozen very active TAM members who are very experienced with what it's like to live with a BPDer -- and how painful it is to leave such a spouse. Take care, Bax.


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Fantastic (and chilling) information, Uptown. Gonna need some time to process all that, much less what to do with it.

She was out of the house last Saturday, so I came in and started packing my stuff which was left there. She's said she's been packing her stuff, but it's like a box a week, and it goes out to the garage with the rest of the crap. I walked in on Saturday and filled 6 boxes, and put them in an out-of-the-way, yet very visible corner of the living room.

Boy, she did not care for that. 

Called me that night, asking what I had packed, why I had packed it, finished up with a) I can take them out of the house any time I want, b) she doesn't want them in her living room, and c) we're going to be talking about this in MC next time. But we can't talk about it now, because she's too upset.

It's easy for her to file for separation, because it doesn't impact her life at all. I don't want her to not file because it'll make her miserable if she does - that's not a good reason to stay. But likewise, she does need to see clearly exactly what she's doing.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BaxJanson said:


> Yes, I am - have been for a year.
> 
> I've been focused first and foremost on regulating my emotions, particularly when I sag into depression. On setting and enforcing fair and equitable boundaries - and on clearly communicating them, in spite of my fears, misgivings, or passivity. On asserting myself when I feel strongly about something, and a bit of practice on getting back into the habit of feeling strongly about things. And then most recently starting to engage those old wounds. I've got a ways to go, but I'm proud of how far I've come.
> 
> It is very grating to hear her whine about the distance she's created between us, and her incessant demands that I be the one to bridge the gap she is widening, though.


How does she react to your personal boundaries?

Care to share an example?


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Typically, by either excusing the behavior or blaming me.

I had told her I would come watch the kids one Thursday afternoon, so she could go somewhere. It takes me half an hour to drive from the office to the house. I told her I'd leave the office at 5:30.

5:15, and 5:20, i got a pair of texts from her: When will you be getting here? Are you almost here?

I got in, and asked her "How long does it take to get from the office to the house?"

"30 minutes."

And when did I say I'd leave at?

"5:30"

I do not appreciate getting multiple texts checking up on me, when you knew approximately when I would be getting in.

"Well, I don't appreciate you getting so angry at me over just a couple of texts checking up on you. I just wanted to know what time you'd be here, and you get all upset at me. We'll be talking about this in our next (MC) session." 

Or when I said, quite firmly, "I am not OK with you insinuating that I don't care about the health or well-being of my children as a tactic to win an argument. I will not stand for it anymore - if it happens again, I will divorce you."

Her response: "I can't control what I say when I'm that upset! You're just setting impossible standards so you have an excuse to divorce me like you want to, anyway. I'M not ok with talking about divorce, when we've agreed to be working on fixing the marriage. Which you aren't even doing, because you never try to contact me, when that's the one request I've made - that you pursue me, seek me out."


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bax, I asked a question in my post that you apparently overlooked. Or perhaps you don't know the answer. The question is "How old was she when the sexual abuse occurred?"


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BaxJanson said:


> Typically, by either excusing the behavior or blaming me.
> 
> I had told her I would come watch the kids one Thursday afternoon, so she could go somewhere. It takes me half an hour to drive from the office to the house. I told her I'd leave the office at 5:30.
> 
> ...


Your response, "I'm sorry you feel that way"


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Uptown, I believe she was in the 8-12 range, although I am not sure of the specific age.

Conrad, that sounds like a good response to that type of attack. I do know I don't enjoy it much when she bounces that one at me.


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

It's been strange - I had the kids over the weekend, and got sick as a dog. They climbed on me as I lay on the couch, trying not to breathe too much, and my daughter showed her mastery of Netflix as she pulled up all the mythbusters and National Geographic she could stomach - I was coherant enough to stop her from putting on "Rise from Pompeii" which looked to be more about the zombies than the volcano she was looking for. But as I returned the kids Monday morning... I'm not sure if it's the rehearsal schedule which has me going, or the lingering nyquil in my system, but... I'm disconnected. Unplugged from her. There was no anger, no fear, no guardedness, no lingering affection, no attraction... It's rather nice.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BaxJanson said:


> Uptown, I believe she was in the 8-12 range, although I am not sure of the specific age.
> 
> Conrad, that sounds like a good response to that type of attack. I do know I don't enjoy it much when she bounces that one at me.


If she persists, "I don't like where this conversation is heading"

If it continues, you turn on your heels and leave the room - silently.


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

"Do you have rehearsal this weekend?"

Me: "I have rehearsal from 1-5 both saturday and sunday."

Her: "So you can do easter eggs with us Saturday morning, then."

Hmmm. I do like dying eggs with the kids, and Easter is at my house this year. But still...

Me: "I am available at that time, yes."

Her: "Would you like to?"

That's a bit better, but still not quite what I'm looking for.

Me: "Getting closer. Yes, I would enjoy that."

Her: "What are you after?"

See? A year of MC is useful.

Me: "You haven't asked."

Her: "Ah. Could you do after rehearsal for a dinner thing?"

What the? Should have known it wouldn't be that easy. And now she's complicating things. Still, Bax, be clear and decisive - don't be passive.

Me: "Possibly (Doh! Passive!) although I'd prefer the morning. (Better.)"

Her: "Any reason?"

Don't explain. I don't need a reason.

Me: "Nope." (Good one!)

Her: "Ok - just reasoning this out. Do you prefer to include the cousins like we have done in years past?"

Hmmm. Another variable, which I don't like. But I don't want to just say "No" all the time, and it is tradition (although the appeal to tradition is not unnoticed). Don't be passive, and maybe throw her a bone...

Me: "Yes, I'd like to include them."

Her: "Ok, then there's a slight problem with doing the morning... they have karate..."

Doh! Good work, Bax - you uncovered the trap. She has unspoken expectations here. Now, what do I do with them...?

Me: "I'm not set on having them there. Make a decision, then ask me. But tomorrow. I'm going to bed now. G'night!"

And log off.

And let go that breath I've been holding.

This morning: Her: "Would you like to dye eggs with the kids and me Sat morning?"

Still not quite as direct as I'd prefer, but far better. "Yes, I'd enjoy that. What time?"

Her: "What time would you like? it's just you and the kids - we'll do the cousins later in the day."

Me: "No thank you then. You enjoy your time with the kids, and I'll color eggs with them on my time."

She calls me. I don't answer. 

Her: "Please call me on your lunch."

Nope. I'm good. I think that's pretty clear - and I'm definately feeling on top of my game today.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Next time, start how you ended.


----------

