# I'm new



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I guess I will just jump right in. My DH cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second son. The whole ordeal is coming up on 2 years ago. At the time I found out, I outlined a series of things he needed to do in order for us to stay together (counseling, meds for his situational depression, no contact with the parties involved, the need to answer any questions I had at any time and the understanding that it would be a long slow road.) He did it all willingly. He comes from a family that does NOT deal with relationship problems, they just jump from one to the other, and sometimes back again; they also have no clue about personal boundaries. We discussed this with his therapist, and we came to an understanding of the way that had shaped his adult behavior. 
So, fast forward to now, almost 2 years later. He is a good man, and has worked hard to prove himself and his committment. That being said, WHEN am I going to get over the feeling of always being on guard, or waiting for the other shoe to drop? It's EXHAUSTING!! Sometimes he says he feels like he will be punished for his stupidity for the rest of his life, and he feels like a first class loser for doing this to me. He does NOT blame me for how I feel, it saddens him more than anything else. 
I love him with all of my heart, but how do I let my guard down? It's always been hard for me to let people in to begin with, and his infidelity totally destroyed me and my self-esteem, even though I know it had little to do with me. I want to put it all behind me, but i'm stuck, and I am afraid it will ruin everything!~~


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

what do you mean other parties involved? And it was two years ago and he has been amazing to you? You need to move forward. I know and UNDERSTAND thats hard. But if you love him you really need to try because you will kill your marriage it will just dissolve I have learned that first hand were my husband told me he couldnt take it anymore that he was leaving. Yes they know they have done wrong but when you do that day after day for two years he obviously loves you. people mess up that is a FACT knobody is perfect I bet you 75% of marriages have had some type of cheating in them I cant tell you one marriage that is "the perfect marriage"


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

hi mommybean, its been 9 months since my H cheated on me and i know exactly how your feeling.
its very difficult to let your guard down .
my ex had affairs, so i been there to. 
my H in the latter few months has been similar to your H, he has been amazing.
but that one HUGE element TRUST is so diminished.
dont get me wrong, i wouldnt cage my H in and on talking to him recently. he says most days he thinks about what he did, just doesnt tell me.
whereas because he doesnt say, i dont think he remembers , but he does. 
i also know what you mean by the ruin. your feelings suddenly burst and because you feel that you cant get over it, your feelings become over whelming for him to take on board. 
and deep down you are really sorry that you feel that way, because you feel your pushing your H away. 
i felt like recently.
your trust element in the relationship to someone who you loved has been diminished.

when my H goes out with mates, he is more aware or calling me for reassurance and if i start to get those butterflies, then b 4 i wouldnt have called him. but now i do. 

unfortuately you cant keep bringin it up, its unfair.
when i burst into tears now. i stil try and keep a stil tongue.
but my H knows why and he just supports me.
i even bet sometimes, you could be thinking of a loaf of bread, but some how you link it to the cheating. just these bizarre thoughts.
im on that stage at the mo, but slowly doing a bit of brain training is helping me through. keeping busy. looking on the positive aspects, fact H is doing his best.
spending time together. you need to try and do some courting moves and no bringing up cheating memories.
when you lying next to eachother, ask him questions, remind him how he fell in love with you in the first place.
go back to your memories and when you had your children.
your then reminding yourself of why you fell for eachother in the first place.
were not on an easy road, but unfortunately we all make mistakes.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. Sunflower...I know no marriage is perfect and I never expected ours to be. I love him, imperfections and all. It's just hard...really hard to let it all go. 

Justean, my hubby tells me too, that I never see the pain he goes thru relating to the mistakes he has made...he has a very early morning route so he can be home with our boys while I work, and he says the time on his route is when he thinks about things the most, and when it tears him up the worst, but I never really see that. 
I have gotten to the point where I try not to bring it up at all, I just want to forget about it, but I can't. He is the first person I have every really let completely in, and once he broke my trust, I put that self protective wall back up, and its hard to break it down again. Don't get me wrong, I don't withhold affection from him, and we honestly don't argue much. We do lead very hectic lives though, lives that leave little time for JUST us, and I find that I am at my worst and it all starts to bother me again the most when we have not had time to connect as a couple, rather than just as mom and dad. I don't want HIM to pay for his mistakes for the rest of our lives, nor do *I* want to pay for them for the rest of our lives either.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Thanks for your replies. Sunflower...I know no marriage is perfect and I never expected ours to be. I love him, imperfections and all. It's just hard...really hard to let it all go.
> 
> Justean, my hubby tells me too, that I never see the pain he goes thru relating to the mistakes he has made...he has a very early morning route so he can be home with our boys while I work, and he says the time on his route is when he thinks about things the most, and when it tears him up the worst, but I never really see that.
> I have gotten to the point where I try not to bring it up at all, I just want to forget about it, but I can't. He is the first person I have every really let completely in, and once he broke my trust, I put that self protective wall back up, and its hard to break it down again. Don't get me wrong, I don't withhold affection from him, and we honestly don't argue much. We do lead very hectic lives though, lives that leave little time for JUST us, and I find that I am at my worst and it all starts to bother me again the most when we have not had time to connect as a couple, rather than just as mom and dad. I don't want HIM to pay for his mistakes for the rest of our lives, nor do *I* want to pay for them for the rest of our lives either.


i totally agree with everything you feel and say. im the same.
as H and W were going back out again and makin the most of situations and time alone . were communicating and he's making me feel special . i dont suppose i can ask for more than that, because there is no more to give.
then its just about time and not letin those memories dictate your marriage . not an easy target. but we have to move forward.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its for sure hard I am not saying it isnt hard I struggle with a kiss and rub I cant imagine what I would be like if it were more. Cause well if you read my other posts I was a pretty big mess over that! but if you really love each other then it will find its way! I do think that he is remorsful and loves you cause if not he would be gone right.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

Mommybean, if you have forgiven him then you should never talk about it again to him. Talk to your girlfriends and anyone else who'll listen, but never to him. You will only drive him away. This is what I did. Its been 6 years since my husband had an affair on me and with a much younger girl. He was 40 and she much much younger. While I have forgiven him I still haven't forgotten. It gets better with time. My husband recently begain having an EA with a co-worker, she also much younger then him but still not as young as the first. She's 26 and he is now 46. I started to suspect something in August of 2008. He started coming home later, not by much, but still enough to draw my attention. He also stopped calling me during the day. He just started acting out of his ordinary self. When I confronted him with proof in hand of tihs second infidelity, I told him it was the end of us because I had already given him his second chance. I stayed with him through the holidays because of our children but wanted him OUT the first of the new year. He told me on 12-23-08 that he started seeing a marriage counselor on his own for several weeks. He told me she wanted to see me after the holidays by myself. I agreed but half heartedly because I've done not a thing wrong. Idid go see her and she told me quite a few things about my husbnd that I didn't realize. She told me that he does in fact love me and our children and just can't understand how he could yet again jepardize our marriage especially after the first affair. He is seeking help and did it on his own which is sign to me that he is deeply ashamed of his indescrections. While he didn't have a physical affair this time, an affair of any sorts in an affair. I told you all of that to say this. If he's going to cheat, theres nothing you can do to stop him. If he does do it again, worry about it then and not now. Don't compromise how good your marriage is at this moment with fear about what may come down the road. This may not be good advise, but its how I cope with my situation..best of luck to you!!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

No, I think it IS good advice. I think that by looking out for the other shoe to fall, I am missing out on the good that is happening right now, and I know I need to take a step back and re-adjust my view of our relationship...its just very hard to let your guard down once its up.....


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Mommybean, I can relate to some of what you said in your post, although it has been much more recent for me-2 months ago my husband confessed to me his involvement with someone else. Fortunately, it was more of an inappropriate friendship but no real emotional involvement on his part. I don't want to compare my situation to your-I'm sure they're different but my husband is also very remorseful and really wants to save our marriage.

I don't know if you should keep bringing it up with your husband but if you are still having difficulty after 2 years then something needs to happen to make you feel better about the whole thing. In my case, in order to even begin to think about trusting my husband again or giving him a second chance, I sat down with him and told him in a no-nonsense way that if he ever did something like this again-in ANY way that I would be gone. It would be over for us no matter what I had to do to get out of the marriage. It made me feel a lot better and more in control of the situation. I gave him the ultimatum that I could not/would not deal with that again. As for ME, I know that I wouldn't go through this again. It was way too painful. I hope that helps! How about the catch-all, counseling, even if it is just for you at first? My husband and I have found that counseling has helped us a lot--we were fortunate to find a very good marriage counselor. Good luck to you!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Shelby said:


> If he's going to cheat, theres nothing you can do to stop him. If he does do it again, worry about it then and not now. Don't compromise how good your marriage is at this moment with fear about what may come down the road. QUOTE]
> 
> i just wanted to add, im going to take this on board and use your information to retrain my brain thoughts.
> its a start.
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mommybean-

Was there anything that you were doing or not doing at the time that may have helped drive him into having an affair. And have you yourself changed? If so, you have less to worry about.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Lets see, I was working full time so he could be home with our kids and work part time (I can make more than he can since I have a degree), I was pregnant with our second son (a planned pregnancy), I came home every evening and jumped in and cooked, cleaned..whatever, took over the responsibilities of our oldest. I was always available for sex, since I craved it even more during pregnancy. 
I think he just got bored..went to his sisters wedding back home without me, since we could not afford air-fair for both of us. An "old friend" from back then saw him and contacted him on Myspace once he got home...and it went from there.....he proceeded to shut down on me and tell me nothing was wrong, until he went back home for yet another visit and when he came back from that, I snooped around and found out about her and the other one, who was also someone he knew from his past. All of this co-incided with an extreme depression he was going thru that he refused to do anything about. Once it "hit the fan" he went to counseling and got on med's....the affairs seemed to have less to do with me and more to do with issues from his upbringing and an inability to deal with them, as well as a lack of understanding the concept of boundaries in relationships and interactions with others. 
So, about the only thing I have changed is that I try to give him more opportunity to get out of the house without the kids. I spoiled him rotten during the time he was being deceitful, and have continued to do so. His therapist flat out told him he was lucky to have a wife like me, but he had to be willing to do the work on his end. Having never seen a healthy relationship before, I'm simply not sure that he realized the amount of work and dedication they actually took. 
What I am working on now, within myself, is learning how to let go, since once I am hurt, I tend to hold on to the pain with the tenacity of a pitbull....


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