# Content being settled for?



## RandomDude

Just curious ladies, if you feel that your husband "settled" for you in terms of his physical preferences how would you feel? Would you be content knowing that he's with you for your personality and although he is attracted to you that you were never really his type? 

Curious tis all


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## Faithful Wife

I know I wasn't "settled for", he chose me and went after me specifically. Loves my appearance and personality, etc.

No, I would not accept being "settled for".

OTOH, my H has widely varied tastes in what is attractive to him, so I know he is still attracted to many "types" that are nothing like me. That doesn't bother me, and it doesn't mean he "settled".

I feel pretty much the same...I am attracted to many types, but I specifically love him, his look, his personality, etc.

I would never have gotten with him if I was just "settling".


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## RandomDude

Do you think I settled for my wife? =/


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## Faithful Wife

I don't actually know that part of your story, Dude. I had the impression you were hot for her?


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## RandomDude

Sure, after being my best friend for a year, I was never all over her or anything, which I guess, caused some problems/insecurities


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## Faithful Wife

Did you settle?


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## RandomDude

I don't know, I'm asking you lol

I thought I did but then you said:


> OTOH, my H has widely varied tastes in what is attractive to him, so I know he is still attracted to many "types" that are nothing like me. That doesn't bother me, and it doesn't mean he "settled".


So now I'm confuddled :scratchhead:


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## Cosmos

This could never happen. I'm the sort of woman men _aspire _to being with, not _settling_ for.:rofl:


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## Faithful Wife

How can anyone else tell you if you settled, Dude?


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## samyeagar

Oh the timeliness of this question...just this morning on my way to work, I was thinking about this. I have had issues from time to time with feeling that way myself, as if my STBW is settling. I know she isn't, and I know that I am along the lines of her 'type'. Most of the time, I feel that I am good looking enough to keep her interest, but not much more. It isn't anything she has said specifically, but rather the lack there of.

Do you find yourself telling your wife how hot, beautiful, sexy, attractive you find her? How often do you, and does it feel forced? Does it feel like you are saying it because that is what a husband is supposed to say to his wife, or because you genuinely believe it?


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## Cosmos

samyeagar said:


> Oh the timeliness of this question...just this morning on my way to work, I was thinking about this. I have had issues from time to time with feeling that way myself, as if my STBW is settling. I know she isn't, and I know that I am along the lines of her 'type'. Most of the time, I feel that I am good looking enough to keep her interest, but not much more. It isn't anything she has said specifically, but rather the lack there of.


There's so much more to being right and perfect for someone than looks alone...

My SO isn't _the_ most handsome man I've been in a relationship with, but he is by far the very best. If our relationship (God forbid) ended tomorrow, I would be hard pressed to find another like him.


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## RandomDude

> Do you find yourself telling your wife how hot, beautiful, sexy, attractive you find her? How often do you, and does it feel forced?


Sure whenever she does look hot, beautiful, sex, attractive, or whenever she seeks validation and I have to comply (validation is actually what made me ponder in this) lest I was to face the wrath of Darth Wifey.



> Does it feel like you are saying it because that is what a husband is supposed to say to his wife, or because you genuinely believe it?


Depends, sometimes yes, sometimes no, as I mentioned above. My attraction to my wife has always been attached to her as an individual, so during tough times when she makes me forget who she is deep down she becomes rather meh to me.



> How can anyone else tell you if you settled, Dude?


I thought I was settling until you posted what you said lol
So maybe I wasn't?


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## Faithful Wife

Sam...I still think you just need to express to your stbw that you need more words of affirmation.

My H wants WOA too, which didn't necessarily come naturally from me at first, or at least, not in the way he needed to hear them. So he told me exactly what he needed and how to fulfill that need in him, and I happily adopted this into my daily life. Now I LOVE telling him how I feel about him, and I'm really good at it...and not one word is fake.


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## RandomDude

Cosmos said:


> There's so much more to being right and perfect for someone than looks alone...
> 
> My SO isn't _the_ most handsome man I've been in a relationship with, but he is by far the very best. If our relationship (God forbid) ended tomorrow, I would be hard pressed to find another like him.


That's the thing =/

So maybe I wasn't settling at all!


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## tracyishere

I would be devastated to think I was settled for. 

I know I am not all his type, and that is ok. But if he felt he had to sacrifice something to be with me I'd be hurt.

My H is not someone I was initially attracted to, but I have never felt like I settled for less than what I deserved. I had a choice and he's the man I chose because he was/is my everything. I don't look at him and see his flaws. I look at him and see his perfection.


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## RandomDude

Then tis obvious that STBX has been expecting too much from me.


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## TiggyBlue

I would HATE to know I was settled for (because I didn't settle at all).


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## lovelyblue

RandomDude

Would you be okay if you wive settled for you?


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## samyeagar

Cosmos said:


> There's so much more to being right and perfect for someone than looks alone...
> 
> My SO isn't _the_ most handsome man I've been in a relationship with, but he is by far the very best. If our relationship (God forbid) ended tomorrow, I would be hard pressed to find another like him.


You're absolutely right that it is a package deal, and I know my STBW would have a difficult time finding the package that she is getting in me. Likewise, I would be hard pressed finding someone that brings everything she does to the table. I know exactly what I have in her which is why I'm not letting her go  We are very good together, and we have in spades all those little intangibles that are needed to make things work, and work well. I have no expectation that she sees me as the hottest guy ever, I just wish I could find a way to move past feeling 'just good enough'.

I am very curious to know more about why RD is feeling this way, and what is making him question this because it may give me some insight and frame of reference in understanding my STBW.


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## RandomDude

lovelyblue said:


> RandomDude
> 
> Would you be okay if you wive settled for you?


On a physical level sure, but on an emotional level, no way. STBX doesn't seem to have shared my priorities however.


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## Cosmos

> I am very curious to know more about why RD is feeling this way, and what is making him question this because it may give me some insight and frame of reference in understanding my STBW.


Yes, RD, please tell us more? You seem a little introspective of late, and it would be good to know what's going on with you.


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## RandomDude

Say what? O.O

Nothing is going on... much, just another topic was talking about validation and reminded me of how my wife never seemed to have been satisfied with what I could give her in terms of it.


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## Cosmos

RandomDude said:


> Say what? O.O
> 
> Nothing is going on... much, just another topic was talking about validation and reminded me of how my wife never seemed to have been satisfied with what I could give her in terms of it.


Oh, OK 

But does the above perhaps say more about your W than it does about you? There are some who are never satisfied with what they have - until it's gone.


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## samyeagar

I go through phases where this bothers me, and other times it doesn't. This is the one and only recurring issue between my STBW and I, and it always devolves into an argument, but I have already decided it is not a deal breaker for me. All the good that we have together greatly outweighs this for me, and over all, I know I haven't settled with her. This would be the only thing that remotely feels like settling to me. In this one area, I often feel like I am settling for being 'just good enough'.

The thing that got me thing about this myself again though is somewhat of a concern to me is a woman at work told me out of the blue that she though the sweater I was wearing looked really good because it brought out the color of my eyes. I told her thanks, that it was one of my fiance's favorites too. Didn't tell my STBW about that because I'm not sure how to say it without it being a shot across the bow given our history on this issue...


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## Dad&Hubby

RandomDude said:


> Sure, after being my best friend for a year, I was never all over her or anything, which I guess, caused some problems/insecurities


When your wife walks by you with just a tshirt on, one that still shows off the bottom of her behind, does it get your motor running?

Do you ever just "want" her, without having something else get you horny?

If you answer yes...then you didn't settle.

Everyone has certain "preferences" but that doesn't mean the person you love and are hot for has to fit that model.

I love old muscle cars, but drove a little 4 banger turbo charged sports car in the early 90's. I didn't settle for that car, even though it wasn't the 71 'Cuda that was always my dream car.


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## samyeagar

RandomDude said:


> Say what? O.O
> 
> Nothing is going on... much, just another topic was talking about validation and reminded me of how my wife never seemed to have been satisfied with what I could give her in terms of it.


Was she openly expressing her dissatisfaction, or did she just not express that she WAS satisfied? Do you think not expressing satisfaction is a form of taking something for granted?


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## tracyishere

I think making your SO feel like he's/she's the hottest, sexiest most desirable person on earth is important. Nothing feels better than knowing your SO has the hots for you.


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## samyeagar

tracyishere said:


> I think making you SO feel like he's/she's the hottest, sexiest most desirable person on earth is important. Nothing feels better than knowing you SO has the hots for you.


I know...and I do that regularly, though I am often left feeling like that person who says "I love you" and the other person responds "I'm glad"


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## tracyishere

samyeagar said:


> I know...and I do that regularly, though I am often left feeling like that person who says "I love you" and the other person responds "I'm glad"


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## RandomDude

Cosmos said:


> Oh, OK
> 
> But does the above perhaps say more about your W than it does about you? There are some who are never satisfied with what they have - until it's gone.


:scratchhead:

I dunno, I do know I had a hand to play in her insecurities. I have tried to remedy it but meh...



Dad&Hubby said:


> When your wife walks by you with just a tshirt on, one that still shows off the bottom of her behind, does it get your motor running?
> 
> Do you ever just "want" her, without having something else get you horny?
> 
> If you answer yes...then you didn't settle.
> 
> Everyone has certain "preferences" but that doesn't mean the person you love and are hot for has to fit that model.
> 
> I love old muscle cars, but drove a little 4 banger turbo charged sports car in the early 90's. I didn't settle for that car, even though it wasn't the 71 'Cuda that was always my dream car.


Guess that's a line I can use for the next time, if there is a next time. Thanks mate.



samyeagar said:


> Was she openly expressing her dissatisfaction, or did she just not express that she WAS satisfied?


The former



> Do you think not expressing satisfaction is a form of taking something for granted?


In some ways yes


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## RandomDude

samyeagar said:


> I know...and I do that regularly, though I am often left feeling like that person who says "I love you" and the other person responds "I'm glad"


Hmmm, I did that too, though it wasn't because I didn't feel it, I just didn't like saying lovey doveys for no reason at that time

It was more like:
Her: I love you...
Me: I love me too!


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## samyeagar

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, I did that too, though it wasn't because I didn't feel it, I just didn't like saying lovey doveys for no reason at that time
> 
> It was more like:
> Her: I love you...
> Me: I love me too!


That right there is a mindset that I can't seem to grasp. Did she ever express to you the need for a positive reciporication to those kinds of things? If she had, why wouldn't you give her what she wanted?


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## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm, I did that too, though it wasn't because I didn't feel it, I just didn't like saying lovey doveys for no reason at that time
> 
> It was more like:
> Her: I love you...
> Me: I love me too!


OUCH! Some humor is ok. But, when a person is being genuine about how they feel that could really sting.


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## RandomDude

It's been years since I was like that, at that time I just didn't like the whole idea of throwing the word 'love' around until it has no meaning, that and I wasn't one to easily express my emotions.

I've changed since then however, but it wasn't enough. She seems to want me to put her on some pedestal like other men but why she needs that much validation is meh.


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## tracyishere

My H tells me he loves me everyday, multiple times a day and vice-verse. There is always meaning in those words. 

After years of rejection and "meh" behavior towards her, it doesn't surprise me that she wants affirmation that you have the hots for her. 

She doesn't want to feel settled for...


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## RandomDude

Well eight months celibacy and having yet to move on, she's pretty hot to me at present times but of course she's not willing to allow me to express that yet it seems.


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## Faithful Wife

Aren't you almost divorced now anyway? Why do you need to worry NOW about whether you validated her?

I can see you examining yourself for your own reasons, is that what you are doing? Because I'm not sure if you are asking if her feelings are justified, or if hers are? Also it sounds like this is in the context of an ongoing relationship...which there isn't one is there?


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## RandomDude

Cause we're semi-reconciling... sort of, quite frankly I have no idea what we're even doing. See my seperation journal thread.


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## samyeagar

There are certain things that self validation are fine because there are objective, tangible was to validate. I know I make enough money because all the bills are paid. I know I am handy enough around the house because things aren't broken and falling apart, and when they do break, I can fix them. I know I am a good provider and protector because I can see the results of my actions with my own two eyes, and while it is nice to hear appreciation for those things sometimes, it is not about validation but rather helps me know I am not being taken for granted.

It is a different story when it comes to those intangibles like emotional support. The outward signs are a lot harder to see since they HAVE to come from inside the other person. Seeing her smile, hearing her say I love you, her taking my hand, those are forms of validation that can only come from her. If those things aren't done, then it send one of two messages...she doesn't feel that way, or she does, but is taking it for granted. I suppose one could go on and assume that even if those outward signs of validation are not there, that the feelings are, and be happy with that, but making that type of assumption is going down a very dangerous path in a relationship.


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## Faithful Wife

RandomDude said:


> Sure, after being my best friend for a year, I was never all over her or anything, which I guess, caused some problems/insecurities


Between this and refusing to "just be lovey dovey for no reason", I'm going to make a guess that maybe you are/were settling.

A man who is totally hot for a woman and in love with her typically IS all over her and DOESN'T hold back verbal affirmation.


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## samyeagar

There is also a big difference between feeling desirable and feeling desired. Feeling desirable is something that comes from within. Your self esteem. Feeling desired is something that can only come from someone else.

I know I am an attractive guy. Not many women would look at me and think I am completely hideous. There are some I certainly would not be their cup of tea. There are some out there that I would be a total toe curling masturbation fantasy. Most would fall somewhere in between. Most of the time, I feel like I am spot in the middle of the somewhere in between.


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## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Between this and refusing to "just be lovey dovey for no reason", I'm going to make a guess that maybe you are/were settling.
> 
> *A man who is totally hot for a woman and in love with her typically IS all over her and DOESN'T hold back verbal affirmation*.


I think that is spot on. RD, is it a case of those feelings being there, but you chose not to express them? Were you able to express other feelings, almost in stream of consciousness, reflex fashion? Did you ever say anything about other women?


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## DesertRat1978

I definitely settled for a lot of partners in the past. Wife, not so much. She had the body and the personality. Current issues aside, I knew from the first date on that I was going after this one and this one only. I had two other dates with other women scheduled and immediately cancelled them upon meeting the wife. The wife has sometimes voiced concerns that I settled for her and that once something better comes along, I will be gone. I have been consistent in my disapproval of that but sometimes I wonder if she has some ulterior motive.


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## RandomDude

samyeagar said:


> I think that is spot on. RD, is it a case of those feelings being there, but you chose not to express them? Were you able to express other feelings, almost in stream of consciousness, reflex fashion? Did you ever say anything about other women?


I do express them, I'm just not a lovey dovey person, not usually anyways.


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## samyeagar

RandomDude said:


> I do express them, I'm just not a lovey dovey person, not usually anyways.


What about expressing feelings about other things? Are you generally filtered in most things, or just with regards to her attractiveness? Are your equally filtered with regards to other women being attractive?


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## badcompany

RD hit a good point. 
Attractiveness is as much in the mind and actions as it is appearance. As I wrote in another thread acceptance of appearance is a simple yes/no matter and the rest is personality and compatibility.
My stbwx was pretty hot in my mind, but her LD and BPD have made her a zero to me.


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## Deejo

Faithful Wife said:


> Between this and refusing to "just be lovey dovey for no reason", I'm going to make a guess that maybe you are/were settling.
> 
> A man who is totally hot for a woman and in love with her typically IS all over her and DOESN'T hold back verbal affirmation.


That isn't who RD is, to my understanding, never, ever has been. That being the case, then SHE settled.

I'm not a professional, but that never stops me from acting like one.

When I think of RD and his WIFE, (you aren't nearly close to divorce dude, trust me, I know, took me four years) I think of Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. Two people who undoubtedly are attracted to one another and love one another but just can't quite seem to make it work. Whether that is a result of each having their own issues, or the other's issues playing a factor is something they would have to choose to sort out if they were ever to try and make a go of it ... again.

If the point of attraction is the dysfunction, then one way or another you need to recognize that, embrace it, or run away from it as fast as you can.

I don't think either of you settled. You like a challenge and you like drama. You got those things in spades with your ethnically different wife.


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## swade87

I've only seen, or seen photos of, about 4 of my fiance's ex girlfriends. They were all blonde. I am not. Does this bother me? Sometimes. Mostly because I look ridiculous with blonde hair.


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## Faithful Wife

Ok Deejo...but the two things I mentioned PLUS the fact that he would even make this thread to ask the question PLUS some of the other things he has said about her that sound like he is very ambivalent about her in certain ways...I still think it sounds sorta settly.

Not that she didn't settle, too.


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## DvlsAdvc8

There is settling and then there is settling. 

Most of the worry about settling is just insecurity or doubt. That kind of settling portends to say "she doesn't really like me"... or even disappointment... "I can't do better?"

In the strictest sense however, I think everyone really is settling. There may be something better out there, I may not have gotten everything I wanted, but I still love this person as much as I could love any.

So the problem is in the question. No one can conceivably get every want fulfilled, even if only because those wants are often contradictory. The question should rather be, "are you happy with your choice?"

And the only person to ask is yourself.


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## Deejo

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> In the strictest sense however, I think everyone really is settling. There may be something better out there, I may not have gotten everything I wanted, but I still love this person as much as I could love any.
> 
> So the problem is in the question. No one can conceivably get every want fulfilled, even if only because those wants are often contradictory. The question should rather be, "are you happy with your choice?"
> 
> And the only person to ask is yourself.


Bingo.


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## Deejo

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok Deejo...but the two things I mentioned PLUS the fact that he would even make this thread to ask the question PLUS some of the other things he has said about her that sound like he is very ambivalent about her in certain ways...I still think it sounds sorta settly.
> 
> Not that she didn't settle, too.


I don't disagree with you. I do appreciate that RD is looking for answers. After all, you can't get those until you ask the right questions.


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## Tall Average Guy

Deejo said:


> I don't disagree with you. I do appreciate that RD is looking for answers. After all, you can't get those until you ask the right questions.


The answer is 42.


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## Faithful Wife

Yes...I like the way Dude is always double checking himself...but really, I don't see how this particular question can be answered by anyone but himself.

Just asking the question publicly seems to suggest it is true...because if you "know" you did not settle, you wouldn't ask it.

Does that sound right, Dude? I'm not sure that's what you wanted to hear but...


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## BWBill

_OTOH, my H has widely varied tastes in what is attractive to him, so I know he is still attracted to many "types" that are nothing like me.

I've only seen, or seen photos of, about 4 of my fiance's ex girlfriends. They were all blonde. I am not._


I didn't even know what I was looking for until I met my wife.


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## Faithful Wife

Aw Bill....that was sweet.


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## SimplyAmorous

Random Dude, I recall a very similar question you asked about a year ago.... but it was more along the lines of..."*How would you feel if you learned your husband chose you for your personality over your looks?*" - something of that nature... the answers from the women were almost all the same.... it would crush us emotionally to learn this ....that we were "settled for" in this way... 



> *RandomDude said: **I do express them, I'm just not a lovey dovey person, not usually anyways*.


 Speaking as a woman who likes this type of sh**... this would bother me tremendously if my husband couldn't give this back to me..willingly / just cause he wanted to...not out of compulsion or trying to please, but freely expressed from his  to mine.. 



> Originally Posted by *samyeagar *
> There is also a big difference between feeling desirable and feeling desired. Feeling desirable is something that comes from within. Your self esteem. *Feeling desired is something that can only come from someone else*.


 We all need this from our husbands/ Lovers...when this is lacking ...let's say his threshold of desirous validation is a level 6 & he's bothered to show any more....and she is left yearning for more...sad to say but it's going to bother us women emotionally (even some men)....it is what it is....she will start to question....wondering if she is loved enough...wanted enough... settled for... 

We want to feel, by his words & actions we fuel his fire...we're in his heart & in his soul...quirks and all. 

If we feel this way towards him....we want to feel a similar measure coming back to us....some are surely more intense over others...we know your STBX is one of those ..


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## RandomDude

Well, will be seeing her soon... =/

It's true though, when we first met we were just 'friends', for a full year, getting to know her in the midst of people trying to split up our friendship, she became very 'forbidden'. With her showing her quality as time went by though along with our chemistry, everything only made me desire her more.

I wasn't really very lovey dovey to begin with, yet it didn't mean I wasn't romantic, I worked around my weaknesses, was a flirt after all. Sure I'm not one to show up with flowers or cheesy love notes or love poems or confess my lovey doveys to her face but meh.

Since our first interreligious arguments though, which then led to more arguments, and so on and so on, it became harder and harder to express my love to her, and the whole WOA thing I was never good at not to mention during the first years of marriage I was working up to my chin and had no time to express myself my way the flirty but not so lovey dovey way. Then our issues piled up and it just got harder and harder.

Meh, I dunno.

She was never what I pictured I would end up marrying, but from this:


> In the strictest sense however, I think everyone really is settling. There may be something better out there, I may not have gotten everything I wanted, but I still love this person as much as I could love any.
> 
> So the problem is in the question. No one can conceivably get every want fulfilled, even if only because those wants are often contradictory. The question should rather be, "are you happy with your choice?"
> 
> And the only person to ask is yourself.


So ok, maybe I was settling, but am I happy with my choice...

>.<

Sometimes yes sometimes no... BAH! Hell I don't even know what I should be feeling nowadays with this seperation


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## tracyishere

Well the good news is. You don't have to make that decision right away. You could always just lay back and see where it goes...


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## Lyris

It's a very Australian man thing, to have trouble with verbal expression of emotion.

My husband is like that too, and I've just accepted it. I choose to believe he loves me and is attracted to me because of the things he does, not the things he says. 

Would I like to hear it more? Definitely. So I've settled in that area. And I'm sure he's settled in areas too. But I know he loves me very deeply and has done so for 23 years. I know he finds me sexy. And I also know I am actually objectively reasonably attractive. 

It's enough. Much more than nearly everyone I know has.


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## RandomDude

> It's a very Australian man thing, to have trouble with verbal expression of emotion.


:scratchhead:

Don't know whether I should be offended =/


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## Lyris

It's just an observation. I'm Australian too.


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## sinnister

My wife thought I was settling because I didnt ever date women other than white women. Truth of the matter is I didnt even care, I only dated women who showed me any interest. The only woman I ever pursued and succeeded with was her.


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## Dollystanford

No. New Dolly motto: adore me or f*ck off


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## WyshIknew

Dollystanford said:


> No. New Dolly motto: adore me or f*ck off


:allhail:


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## WyshIknew




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## Caribbean Man

BWBill said:


> I didn't even know what I was looking for until I met my wife.


Sounds like me^^^ .

Wasn't really looking for anything in particular, in fact I have never chased a woman or even a girl.
But I've always had an eye for beauty .

I know for sure that my wife's the only woman I was ever attracted in the way that I am now, and I'm still very much attracted to her body and personality. To me, her personality is like none I've ever come across,there's always something deep ,new,and exciting in her.
Even when we get upset and argue , it isn't long before we start poking fun at each other and laughing again.

I know I'm biased , but I've been around lots of pretty women and no matter how pretty or sexy, I've never felt that way deep down inside about them like I did and still do with my wife.

The question of "settling" for her, or she for me, simply does not arise..


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## ASummersDay

Theoretically, there will always be someone who is objectively "-er" (fill in the adjective) than the person we have chosen to be with. What matters to me is that I adore my partner for exactly who they are - that the relationship is enriching and fulfilling, that my life is more meaningful with them in it. Only if these things weren't true, that's when I would consider it "settling".


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## gbrad

I know I settled on looks. Personally I would be okay with it if I was with someone who settled for me, that would mean that I married up in looks and they most likely went for me for the other things I bring to the table. Score.


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## RandomDude

sinnister said:


> *My wife thought I was settling because I didnt ever date women other than white women. *Truth of the matter is I didnt even care, I only dated women who showed me any interest. The only woman I ever pursued and succeeded with was her.


Yeah what's with that?


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## Lon

The problem comes when men are expected to pretend that their wives are very objectively ideal in the looks department, when in reality it was not looks that initiated or has maintained the relationship.

I have never been with a woman that is my ideal physical type, and because I can't tell untruths without being obvious I have never once been able to tell a woman she is the best looking woman in the world.

I can tell her how I genuinely feel though, so when I've said I'm completely smitten, in love, attracted, turned on etc by her it is very real and meaningful.


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## RandomDude

Lon said:


> The problem comes when men are expected to pretend that their wives are very objectively ideal in the looks department, when in reality it was not looks that initiated or has maintained the relationship.
> 
> I have never been with a woman that is my ideal physical type, and because I can't tell untruths without being obvious I have never once been able to tell a woman she is the best looking woman in the world.
> 
> I can tell her how I genuinely feel though, so when I've said I'm completely smitten, in love, attracted, turned on etc by her it is very real and meaningful.


Exactly, yet it doesn't seem to be enough


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## Accipiter777

If you cant be with the one you love, love the one youre with.


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Exactly, yet it doesn't seem to be enough


Because it is not. No one wants to feel like they are not good enough for their SO. If you do not feel that your SO is the best woman in the world than she will know it. 

I deserve to be treated like his number 1, not a runner up.


----------



## WyshIknew

tracyishere said:


> Because it is not. No one wants to feel like they are not good enough for their SO. If you do not feel that your SO is the best woman in the world than she will know it.
> 
> I deserve to be treated like his number 1, not a runner up.


But you can still be his number 1 without being the most beautiful woman in the world surely?


----------



## tracyishere

WyshIknew said:


> But you can still be his number 1 without being the most beautiful woman in the world surely?


Of course, but I should be made to feel like I am.


----------



## ASummersDay

I don't need to be the most beautiful woman in the world, I just need to be the most beautiful woman _to him_. I'm not talking objectively, on a scale of 1 to 10 or something. I mean I want him to appreciate the whole package that I offer more than he appreciates any single aspect of someone else.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Content being settled for?*



tracyishere said:


> Of course, but I should be made to feel like I am.


This is the problem I mentioned above. Kind of the theme of the entire thread.


----------



## tracyishere

Lon said:


> This is the problem I mentioned above. Kind of the theme of the entire thread.


Why is it a problem to expect that my H treats me like I'm his #1? 

How would you expect to be treated?


----------



## Lyris

I don't need to be treated like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, either objectively or to him. I'm not delusional. And I'm also not focused on looks to that extent.

He loves me. He's loved me with focus and devotion for two decades. He clearly finds me attractive, and although there are women out there who he would find more attractive, that's fine. 

He gets a great deal in me, I get a great deal in him. We're lucky.


----------



## TikiKeen

Ah, this has been a good read. At first I thought H settled, because I was insecure based on having a disabled child. I was afraid the other stuff, not looks, that I brought to the table wasn't enough.

Now that I'm not working outside the home, and now that I've put on that 15-20lbs...it's looks.

He tries to reassure me, but he's like you, RD...sharing feelings and needs is foreign to him. It's a sign of weakness, and undoing that old belief is a PITA for him. So he shows me in other ways. I do wish he would show me in ways I recognize and appreciate (love languages), but now that I'm tuned in to how he shows and tells me, it's easier. A little. (Does that make any sense?)

I'm really pretty; I know that. He married up in the looks department, and down in the "wife with a great career" department. Then he reminds me that he married me for my feisty, and while that's a huge negative sometimes, I have to remember that few women in our area are as outspoken as I am. There are few doubts as to where I stand on most things.

I only feel like I've settled with anything, including friends, if I feel like I was "bait and switched" with dishonesty.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

ASummersDay said:


> *I don't need to be the most beautiful woman in the world, I just need to be the most beautiful woman to him. I'm not talking objectively, on a scale of 1 to 10 or something. I mean I want him to appreciate the whole package that I offer more than he appreciates any single aspect of someone else.*


Beautifully stated...this gets to the  of it... we all want and crave THIS .... whether we are male or female...and we all have imperfections , but when we love that deeply...it just doesn't matter.. Love is blind in this way... we become each other's 's.


----------



## RandomDude

I guess it gets weird when I see certain traits as imperfections while she sees them as perfections possibly leading to her impression that I've settled. Meh


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> I guess it gets weird when I see certain traits as imperfections while she sees them as perfections possibly leading to her impression that I've settled. Meh


Your attitude suggests that you have settled.


----------



## tracyishere

tracyishere said:


> Your attitude suggests that you have settled.


If you are not willing to make the effort to make your SO feel special, somebody else will.


----------



## RandomDude

Sure, by all means they can be my guest while we're seperated, she did date an OM a few months ago after all. Speaking of which, going to question her about it soon once she arrives.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Content being settled for?*



tracyishere said:


> If you are not willing to make the effort to make your SO feel special, somebody else will.


No amount of effort or lack thereof can make someone else feel special, that is all on them. If you think someone is special, then if they are open to how you act around them, they will sense it, and if they value that connection it should feel special to them.

I'm not trying to argue semantics, just suggesting that the way you feel about yourself has entirely to do with your relationship with yourself and nobody else.


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Sure, by all means they can be my guest while we're seperated, she did date an OM a few months ago after all. Speaking of which, going to question her about it soon once she arrives.


You know that's not true. If another man was swooning your wife you'd be pissed off.


----------



## tracyishere

Lon said:


> No amount of effort or lack thereof can make someone else feel special, that is all on them. If you think someone is special, then if they are open to how you act around them, they will sense it, and if they value that connection it should feel special to them.
> 
> I'm not trying to argue semantics, just suggesting that the way you feel about yourself has entirely to do with your relationship with yourself and nobody else.


True. But his words, his actions, his behaviour demonstrate how he feels. And how he feels impacts how I feel. And I want to feel desired and loved.


----------



## RandomDude

Well yeah, I was...

But I hardened up that time and I can harden up again the next time so no biggie.


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Well yeah, I was...
> 
> But I hardened up that time and I can harden up again the next time so no biggie.


Or you can make the effort she needs in order for her to feel desired and loved.


----------



## RandomDude

I already tried, but I have my limits as I mentioned before in my seperation thread, I just hope it's not what she needs out of me.


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> I already tried, but I have my limits as I mentioned before in my seperation thread, I just hope it's not what she needs out of me.


Well you know what should be next on the mc agenda then.


----------



## tracyishere

Lyris said:


> I don't need to be treated like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, either objectively or to him. I'm not delusional. And I'm also not focused on looks to that extent.
> 
> He loves me. He's loved me with focus and devotion for two decades. He clearly finds me attractive, and although there are women out there who he would find more attractive, that's fine.
> 
> He gets a great deal in me, I get a great deal in him. We're lucky.


If a man did come along and treated you like you were the most beautiful sexy woman he's ever met, wouldn't you wish the same from your H?


----------



## Lyris

No man is going to get close enough to me to treat me in any kind of admiringly romantic way. I don't form attachments with men other than my husband. So if anyone did on their own, they would be crazy and best avoided. 

And to be clear, my husband does treat me as though I'm the only woman he could possibly want. He just doesn't say it. He doesn't express it verbally.

There have been times in our more than two decades together that I wish he did. I would compare him unfavourably to one or another men I knew who were very openly admiring of their wives. And those relationships have almost all failed now, one because of the admiring husband's cheating. 

I don't show my photo here any more. But there's nothing wrong with how I look, and I run 30km a week, so I'm in good shape. I'd say for my age I am easily in the top 10% of people I know. I have no insecurities about that at all. 

But yeah, I'd like to hear more from my husband about how and why he loves me. But that's not who he is and I accept him unreservedly. We have been together more than half our lives. There's no-one else for me, no matter what. 

He would kill to protect me and our children without hesitation. He looks after us financially with no resentment, in fact with pleasure. He wants my life to be happy and easy. He is trustworthy, reliable, honest, funny, brilliant, dark, gorgeous looking and great in bed. He admires, appreciates and respects the work I do for our family.

Would I give all that up for "you're pretty" every day? Not a chance.


----------



## RandomDude

Maybe I'm not so horrible after all =/


----------



## NextTimeAround

I think there is a big difference between being sexy and being beautiful/ attractive. And if I had to choose one or the other, I would rather be sexy. If I had to choose one or the other in a partner, I would choose sexy. Sexy is what makes me want to show non stop affection and do everything to please my partner. Which is what I assume that my being deemed sexy would mean to my partner.

I think women put too much store in the value of the narrow definition of beauty. Traditional characteristics such as being slim, specific haircolor skin color, whatever, quite often doesn't even come into play, I believe, with a lot of men.

There's a live thread on the Men's Clubhouse where many of the male posters are saying that as long as she has a pretty face she can be overweight / obese......

I've seen this in real life. It has to be since a lot of average looking women find love.

Since I know a lot about the situation with my fiance and his (ex) EA, I was intrigued. He tried to reassure me that he didn't find her sexy because she was overweight (which she was by 50 pounds, self described on a social media site). But in a separate conversation, he had said that for an LTR, the face is more important than the body. And I think what really attracted him to her was her feisty in your face behavior and their shared interest in arcane types of music.

He had to cut completely any ties to her to reassure me that he was not settling with me. And of course, his total commitment to me now is reassurance as well. I think he does find me beautiful, face and body. But this is for me, a reminder as to how important personality and self-possession play into attraction.


----------



## tracyishere

Lyris said:


> No man is going to get close enough to me to treat me in any kind of admiringly romantic way. I don't form attachments with men other than my husband. So if anyone did on their own, they would be crazy and best avoided.
> 
> *A man does not need to be romantically involved to treat you well.*
> 
> And to be clear, my husband does treat me as though I'm the only woman he could possibly want. He just doesn't say it. He doesn't express it verbally.
> 
> 
> *There have been times in our more than two decades together that I wish he did. * I would compare him unfavourably to one or another men I knew who were very openly admiring of their wives. And those relationships have almost all failed now, one because of the admiring husband's cheating.
> 
> I don't show my photo here any more. But there's nothing wrong with how I look, and I run 30km a week, so I'm in good shape. I'd say for my age I am easily in the top 10% of people I know. I have no insecurities about that at all.
> 
> *I don't doubt that.*
> 
> *But yeah, I'd like to hear more from my husband about how and why he loves me.* But that's not who he is and I accept him unreservedly. We have been together more than half our lives. There's no-one else for me, no matter what.
> 
> He would kill to protect me and our children without hesitation. He looks after us financially with no resentment, in fact with pleasure. He wants my life to be happy and easy. He is trustworthy, reliable, honest, funny, brilliant, dark, gorgeous looking and great in bed. He admires, appreciates and respects the work I do for our family.
> 
> Would I give all that up for "you're pretty" every day? Not a chance.


I see your point. But I still think based on your reply that you would prefer that he be all that and still make an effort to make you feel like his "hot mamma."

You work hard to look the way you do. Wouldn't it be nice if he stopped taking that for granted? 

And no, being treated like #1 does not mean it has to be through words. It means respect, admiration, lust, love and appreciation. I deserve the whole package. I deserve his best.


----------



## RedRose14

My husband didn't settle for me and I didn't settle for him. When we met we had both come out of bad long term relationships and had no intention of getting involved with anyone. The thing is we couldn't resist each other, both found each other completely wonderful in every way and still do 20 years later.


----------



## tracyishere

RedRose14 said:


> My husband didn't settle for me and I didn't settle for him. When we met we had both come out of bad long term relationships and had no intention of getting involved with anyone. The thing is we couldn't resist each other, both found each other completely wonderful in every way and still do 20 years later.


And that is how it should be

:smthumbup:


----------



## Blondilocks

The word 'settling' makes it sound like you have no other options or limited options.

A more accurate term would be 'trade offs'. Does this person have ninety percent of what you're looking for but doesn't have xyz? Is that acceptable to you? If not, keep looking.

R'Dude, please don't be offended but you seem awfully hung up on your race - to the point that you come off as thinking your race is superior to that of your wife's. It isn't - it's just different. Mixed race children/adults can be the most beautiful in the world. The superior attitude is the most ugly.


----------



## RandomDude

No no, I'm not supremist, none of my people are, but some of us including myself are awfully hung up on it because our people have intermixed way too much throughout history to the point that our descendants have strayed away from who we remember ourselves to be. "Conquer a woman and a few generations later the woman conquers you" in other words. We've been through two genocides one recent with Stalin so meh. I still wish she's of my people, hence in that way I've been settling. 

Not to mention her race doesn't really like me either lol, but she's never been racialist - she's more annoyed that I can't be converted to her religion (another problem of ours). So we've both settled in that regard. I'm content with being settled for in terms of religion, but she's not in terms of race. No fair. But meh


----------



## Jellybeans

RandomDude said:


> Just curious ladies, if you feel that your husband "settled" for you in terms of his physical preferences how would you feel?


I would feel very sad thinking my husband "settled" for me, or anyone, for that matter. Nobody wants to feel "settled for."



RandomDude said:


> Would you be content knowing that he's with you for your personality and although he is attracted to you that you were never really his type?


I would be happy knowing he loves me for my personality but he better be attracted to me on top of that.



RandomDude said:


> What if you were in a IR relationship and your husband prefers women of his own race would you be content that he finds you as an individual attractive and not other women of your race?


This wouldn't bother me. I would think he was with me because he's attracted to me, regardless of face.

But as for feeling like he isn't attracted to me, no way. No woman wants that.


----------



## Lon

I think the problem is that attraction, for me atleast, is both a sliding scale as well as a binary state.

For the sliding scale, it comes down to "how much" you are attracted to someone, while on the binary argument you are either attracted to someone or not. And I think long term physical attraction requires both, and that is difficult to achieve.

I tend to go with the "how much" I am attracted approach, and keep my standards realistic, because even though there are women that I would be more physically attracted to, and I suspect that would potentially increase my chances of being in a state of physical attraction to her over the long haul, it is also a two way street and I see how the idea of sex rank plays out in real life.

Scarcity and competition seem to play into this unfortunately. For instance I took my son to the swimming pool yesterday, there were many people there of all ages, of the dozens of adult women, there were only two that I felt my eyes wanted to dwell on, and many others that I considered attractive. The two I noted were both fit (obviously work at it) and had naturally inherited physical qualities. And of course they were with tall fit athletic men who inherited naturally good physical qualities.

To me I think "settling" just means accepting that you may not be one of the pretty people. Those who are the pretty people will not really understand this concept.


----------



## Blondilocks

Religion concerns beliefs. Race concerns your very being. Being forced to dye your hair so you won't look like who you are is demeaning. Being denied in public is humiliating.

Why didn't you hook up with one of your own kind if that is so important to you? It sounds like your people have been happily co-mingling with other races for centuries. Are you sure that isn't their true legacy and their strength? It's certainly their history as you've pointed out.


----------



## tracyishere

Lon said:


> I think the problem is that attraction, for me atleast, is both a sliding scale as well as a binary state.
> 
> For the sliding scale, it comes down to "how much" you are attracted to someone, while on the binary argument you are either attracted to someone or not. And I think long term physical attraction requires both, and that is difficult to achieve.
> 
> I tend to go with the "how much" I am attracted approach, and keep my standards realistic, because even though there are women that I would be more physically attracted to, and I suspect that would potentially increase my chances of being in a state of physical attraction to her over the long haul, it is also a two way street and I see how the idea of sex rank plays out in real life.
> 
> Scarcity and competition seem to play into this unfortunately. For instance I took my son to the swimming pool yesterday, there were many people there of all ages, of the dozens of adult women, there were only two that I felt my eyes wanted to dwell on, and many others that I considered attractive. The two I noted were both fit (obviously work at it) and had naturally inherited physical qualities. And of course they were with tall fit athletic men who inherited naturally good physical qualities.
> 
> To me I think "settling" just means accepting that you may not be one of the pretty people. Those who are the pretty people will not really understand this concept.


I think you are viewing people with very narrow glasses. Judging the athletic pretty people to be out of your league.

What you are really saying is that YOU lack the confidence to attract a mate who resembles your set of physical desires. 

You'd be surprised to know there are very attractive people who desire more than a hot body. Just get out there and find one.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Content being settled for?*



tracyishere said:


> I think you are viewing people with very narrow glasses. Judging the athletic pretty people to be out of your league.
> 
> What you are really saying is that YOU lack the confidence to attract a mate who resembles your set of physical desires.
> 
> You'd be surprised to know there are very attractive people who desire more than a hot body. Just get out there and find one.


Yes, I lack the confidence to make something rare into something common. For me I lack the confidence that it seems many of the tall fit athletic guys with good genes and upbringing have.


----------



## RedRose14

Lon said:


> Yes, I lack the confidence to make something rare into something common. For me I lack the confidence that it seems many of the tall fit athletic guys with good genes and upbringing have.


I've seen your photo Lon on the "post a pic" thread ... that was you with the brolly on the beach wasn't it? You are an attractive man, many a man would give his right arm to look like you. You don't see that because you are lacking confidence. Focus on your positives and feel good about yourself


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Content being settled for?*



RedRose14 said:


> I've seen your photo Lon on the "post a pic" thread ... that was you with the brolly on the beach wasn't it? You are an attractive man, many a man would give his right arm to look like you. You don't see that because you are lacking confidence. Focus on your positives and feel good about yourself


I know I am good looking, certainly atleast average, despite not spending all my energy working on my looks. But for men the presentation has more to do with this supposed "confidence" than looks. I've even argued on here before that it really isn't a "confidence" issue at all, more to do with an aspect of personality. I am highly confident in my abilities, I know my strengths and weaknesses and am deliberate about when I apply them. Instead of gregarious, charming, captivating etc, I am quiet, calculating, patient... I have come to accept that not appearing confident is just a part of my personality.

When people advise others to be more "confident" what they are affirming is that there personality makes them less appealing than, others who have different personalities.

I believe the attractiveness of the population follows a natural distribution, 95% of us have some control of where we fall on that spectrum but we still fall in somewhere. And takes special circumstances to be part of the 5%. when seeking a mate we all want as good a package as possible, and because it is mutually dependent then it means we tend to match up equally.

"settling" tends to take on a negative meaning when it means partnering with someone below you on the curve, but for me, the term settling simply means to find your equal.


----------



## RedRose14

It sounds to me like you are over-analysing the whole thing Lon, forget about scales and percentages, just meet someone you are happy with and who is happy with you.

If I was rating myself and my husband on an attractiveness scale my husband is way out of my league physically and personality wise, but I don't waste my time thinking about such things, my husband adores me, as I am and I adore him as he is


----------



## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> Religion concerns beliefs. Race concerns your very being. Being forced to dye your hair so you won't look like who you are is demeaning. Being denied in public is humiliating.


I didn't force her, and she's never dyed it. I've already stopped mentioning it and stopped denying her affection in public. It was wrong of me, and I accepted that, just as it was wrong of her to push her faith onto me. I've come to terms with it, mostly, and she's come to terms with my faith, mostly, but I'm content being settled for, why isn't she? It's been 8 yrs.



> Why didn't you hook up with one of your own kind if that is so important to you?


I did, just sh-t happens. I was young, stupid, and in love. I didn't realise the consequences until later and by that time I was already stuck with her. The racism against us on both sides was relatively milder until baby bells and marriage, it was too late by then. No one expected to last this long.



> It sounds like your people have been happily co-mingling with other races for centuries. Are you sure that isn't their true legacy and their strength? It's certainly their history as you've pointed out.


Yes I'm sure, and it wasn't our strength, we had the entire world at the palm of our hands within two generations but our descendants split into 4s, then 8s, then 16s... all different races/religions, and we ended up assimilating into the conquered. Our legacy written by the conquered portrayed us as bloodthirsty barbarians and although we did as much as we could to rebuild what we've destroyed we ran out of time before we tore the world apart again with civil wars and high death tolls. We didn't push our race or religion onto anyone unlike civilised imperalists, and that was our weakness.

Now our nations struggle to develop in modern times and we're still divided. We're not imperialist anymore however it isn't the middle ages, but our culture, history and traditions are under threat. Many of us are scattered worldwide yet unlike the Jews, we don't have something to hold onto or any unity to speak of. Least we can do is hold onto our blood. But not me, and I must bear the consequences of my choice.

Anyways I shouldn't have mentioned it. Let's end this thread, or at least, leave out the race/religion element.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Content being settled for?*



RedRose14 said:


> It sounds to me like you are over-analysing the whole thing Lon, forget about scales and percentages, just meet someone you are happy with and who is happy with you.
> 
> If I was rating myself and my husband on an attractiveness scale my husband is way out of my league physically and personality wise, but I don't waste my time thinking about such things, my husband adores me, as I am and I adore him as he is


Yes I'm always over analyzing 

I'm in a relationship, with someone I'm smitten with. I guess I just want to stay smitten, and worry too much when I get all lusty from seeing other attractive women :/


----------



## RedRose14

Lon said:


> Yes I'm always over analyzing
> 
> I'm in a relationship, with someone I'm smitten with. I guess I just want to stay smitten, and worry too much when I get all lusty from seeing other attractive women :/


That's great Lon that you are smitten, so stop worrying, there's nothing to worry about, and stop analysing. Communicate, love each other, spend time together, respect each other, be committed to each other and all will be fine. And it's ok to appreciate attractive people, we can look but we can't touch


----------



## tracyishere

RedRose14 said:


> That's great Lon that you are smitten, so stop worrying, there's nothing to worry about, and stop analysing. Communicate, love each other, spend time together, respect each other, be committed to each other and all will be fine. And it's ok to appreciate attractive people, we can look but we can't touch


Sometimes drooling is okay too...


----------



## RandomDude

tracyishere said:


> Sometimes drooling is okay too...


Tis rude!

Like staring, a definite NO GO!


----------



## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Tis rude!
> 
> Like staring, a definite NO GO!


Pssst RD....I stare at the phone and drool when you talk about exercising.


----------



## TikiKeen

I just had a visual of grown people drooling. Ow.

RD, the short version for me: do I end up comparing other attractive people to my H, with him coming out on top every single time overall?

Yep. That tells me I didn't settle. I know that while grass might appear greener on the other side, that other side might also just be a septic tank, too.


----------



## RandomDude

>.<

Great, now I can't have my lunch in peace -.-


----------



## RandomDude

TikiKeen said:


> I just had a visual of grown people drooling. Ow.
> 
> RD, the short version for me: do I end up comparing other attractive people to my H, with him coming out on top every single time overall?
> 
> Yep. That tells me I didn't settle. I know that while grass might appear greener on the other side, that other side might also just be a septic tank, too.


In that way I didn't settle then... hell now I'm so confuddled! =/

Like my recent date, she's not of my race but close enough, her ancestors came from the same motherland after all and she looks like us. She's also very attractive when she wishes to be - I first saw her at work and she was good-looking but was absolutely stunning when I took her out.

Since initiating a semi-reconciliation with my wife, we got into a discussion about OM/OW, and she demanded that I cut contact with my recent date even though I'd already FZed her as I felt nothing on the kiss. I didn't hesitate.

So have I settled? Should she be content?


----------



## lucy mulholland

I don't get the whole type thing -- why limit yourself? I've been attracted to a wide range of physical types. 

Trying to learn this time around to go with the most important stuff -- kindness, a sparkle in the eyes, shared interests, a sense of humour and of not taking each other or ourselves too seriously.

The new guy I have started to see is nothing physically like my x, except he also has dark hair. And no, this is not why I went for him. I wasn't sure I was attracted to him at first, then I realized how much I liked him as a person, got a good "vibe" and wanted to get to know him better. On our first date things were so magical that kissing him seemed pretty obvious, and then it was like the attraction was so magnetic, I can't imagine how it could ever not be there. 

So now we build from there. He's not my type, and time will tell but I don't think it's settling to choose someone for a variety of reasons other than just physical attraction.

And the attraction is bound to ebb and flow and things happen in any relationship to make you question your commitment. 

Is there something going on, RD, that's making you question your connection with your wife? Other than the idea of "settling"? It's easy for someone else to look "better" or even give off a connection, once you're hitched and committed. Best to find ways first to amp up that attraction, maybe rediscover each other a little bit?

Plus not everyone is as vocal with compliments -- I think I need to learn this too. I like hearing them for sure, and my new guy has been definitely forthcoming. But it's easy in a new relationship to both be a little insecure, and if you don't get the reaction you want from the other, to pull back out of fear rather than move closer or ask for what you want. 

So I say (as a reminder to myself, too) -- ask away! Especially when you're already intimate and committed.


----------



## lucy mulholland

Don't know why I wrote "he's not my type...' what I mean is, I clearly don't have one type, so I'm just going with it without a set idea of what's attractive. I just know he is.


----------



## RandomDude

I simply can't find certain types attractive just like everyone else - we all have our types. Unless of course, I fall in love.



> Is there something going on, RD, that's making you question your connection with your wife? Other than the idea of "settling"? It's easy for someone else to look "better" or even give off a connection, once you're hitched and committed. Best to find ways first to amp up that attraction, maybe rediscover each other a little bit?


Well, she's never been secure when it comes to my attraction to other women. I've played a hand in that and over the years I've tried to make it up to her but she doesn't seem content. She's always been honest with me and I feel I have to be in return, and honestly, she's still not my type but I still choose her over anyone else, shouldn't she be content with that?



> Plus not everyone is as vocal with compliments -- I think I need to learn this too. I like hearing them for sure, and my new guy has been definitely forthcoming. But it's easy in a new relationship to both be a little insecure, and if you don't get the reaction you want from the other, to pull back out of fear rather than move closer or ask for what you want.


WOA doesn't come naturally for me, it's a LL debacle that we've suffered throughout our marriage as well. Perhaps that's the real culprit no? Not that she's not my type, but that I've failed in giving her words of affirmation. Yet I can't give her more than I can honestly give.


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## lucy mulholland

I guess I just wonder, why keep going over and over in your head that she's "not your type"? If you love her, married her, have fun together, and you find some things about her attractive, why not focus on those?

GUSH about the things you do love about her. 

And yeah, maybe there needs to be some healing if you've betrayed her trust about other women in some way in the past - it can take a long time to get over that. 

Gush aout the things you can honestly gush about, and tell her the rest doesn't matter. Because I don't think it does. Nobody can be absolutely everything to us, except when we know in our hearts they're the ones for us, and then you overlook some of the other stuff. 

I think movies screw us up, expecting it to be like sparks flying all the time or something.


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## lucy mulholland

I'm more interested in this idea of falling in love. It's been a while for me, but I think I really am. And I don't want to start getting anxious about whether he does too. 

But it's such a crazy process that can't really be measured or even described. I guess you know when you are. And then you hope the other person is too. But you can't be exactly on the same page all the time.


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## TikiKeen

You asked:
So have I settled? Should she be content?

Yet another conundrum for you to solve. Trust your gut. If you think your gut might be changing, sit still. Breathe the wind.

What would happen if you learned how to give her those WOA, yet were also able to recognize when she's on a phishing expedition and trying to persuade you to give them to her on her terms? I know you've discussed how she's pressured you that way before. But, it's still important to try to speak in a way she 'gets' most of the time.

What if your 'type' turns out to be more of an internal thing? That's always a possibility...


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## TiggyBlue

RandomDude said:


> Well, she's never been secure when it comes to my attraction to other women. I've played a hand in that and over the years I've tried to make it up to her but she doesn't seem content. She's always been honest with me and I feel I have to be in return, and honestly, she's still not my type but I still choose her over anyone else, *shouldn't she be content with that?*


I guess only she could answer that. It's not really a case of should or shouldn't imo, more of a case of is or isn't.


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## tracyishere

Well I can say that I need that affirmation almost daily. WOA are big in my books. Thankfully my H is happy to provide wonderful encouraging words. He makes me feel sexy, and beautiful all the time. 

Yup... He's a keeper


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## RandomDude

TikiKeen said:


> You asked:
> So have I settled? Should she be content?
> 
> Yet another conundrum for you to solve. Trust your gut. If you think your gut might be changing, sit still. Breathe the wind.
> 
> What would happen if you learned how to give her those WOA, yet were also able to recognize when she's on a phishing expedition and trying to persuade you to give them to her on her terms? I know you've discussed how she's pressured you that way before. But, it's still important to try to speak in a way she 'gets' most of the time.


Hmmm... she does have a habit of pushing things, are you saying she's acting all insecure just to get me to give in? It's possible, but I would be VERY p-ssed if that's what she's doing.



> What if your 'type' turns out to be more of an internal thing? That's always a possibility...


Huh? :scratchhead:



TiggyBlue said:


> I guess only she could answer that, it's not really a case of should or shouldn't imo, more of a case of is or isn't.


She isn't


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## DesertRat1978

Up until recently, i have been very liberal in my WOA with the wife. I have made it known from the beginning that I did not settle. At the time that I met her, I was doing quite well and had a lot going for me. I could have pursued other women easily. However, I waited 10 months to have sex and moved somewhere that was quite inconvenient for her.


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## TikiKeen

RD, I honestly don't think she's aware that she does it.


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## RandomDude

TikiKeen said:


> RD, I honestly don't think she's aware that she does it.


:scratchhead:

No way am I going to convince her to be content then... looks like I'm fked


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## TikiKeen

Thinking in absolutes again! *clears throat* Try not to. I know it's a PITA. But...polar thinking leads to polar actions. What does the gray look like to you, that area in between "eff this" and "gung ho"? I ask because I was 38 before I saw that I often thought in terms of "oh well. Eff this sh!t" before I got to "Man, that would hurt to keep doing XYZ that way."

Assume she's not doing it intentionally, and if you want to change up how you give WOA, do it any way. Pleasing her isn't as fun of a goal as changing you into a guy who thinks being tender is a good thing to do sometimes. It's there, you've shown it here. But it goes back to the idea that vulnerability=trying for a long time with minimal results right at first.


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## RandomDude

In our later years of marriage I did acknowledge WOA and physical touch as her love languages, I used to be the type of person who replied "I love me too" whenever she confessed her love to me. I've stopped that, and I stopped pushing her away in public, and then I tried to give her physical touch but then she went "don't touch me unless you want sex"

But meh I'm thinking too much again, maybe she's changed, maybe she's not, but I'd rather she feels more secure with herself without need from me. But that's just too much to ask it seems.


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## tracyishere

I don't know if it really is about insecurity and low self esteem with oneself. I think it's more insecurity with your partner and your relationship. If I felt confident my H was in love with me, I perhaps would not need him to affirm his desire for me as much.


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## RandomDude

> think it's more insecurity with your partner and your relationship.


=/

A possibility


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## TiggyBlue

tracyishere said:


> I don't know if it really is about insecurity and low self esteem with oneself. I think it's more insecurity with your partner and your relationship. If I felt confident my H was in love with me, I perhaps would not need him to affirm his desire for me as much.


:iagree:
Insecurity in yourself and insecurity in a relationship are two different things, it takes both partners to make a relationship feel secure.


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## RandomDude

Hmmm, alright, I'll move forward and focus on the security on our marriage rather than worrying about her insecurity as a person. See if things change, thanks guys.


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## Created2Write

RandomDude said:


> Just curious ladies, if you feel that your husband "settled" for you in terms of his physical preferences how would you feel? Would you be content knowing that he's with you for your personality and although he is attracted to you that you were never really his type?
> 
> Curious tis all


I would be devastated. 

Luckily, DH said he was too vain to marry a girl who wasn't hot, so no worries on that score.


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## RandomDude

Ok, had a discussion with someone about this... how about this:

- You are an attractive and highly desired woman, walking down the street you will tend to invert gazes

Would you feel content if your H:
- Chose you over plenty of other hot prospects more his type
- Chose you despite the pressures of his peers
- Chose you despite the hostility of society and her peers
- Chose you for the sheer quality of your spirit and individual personality
- Chose you because you are his best friend and he is yours

Yes? No? Maybe? =/


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## tracyishere

RandomDude said:


> Ok, had a discussion with someone about this... how about this:
> 
> - You are an attractive and highly desired woman, walking down the street you will tend to invert gazes
> 
> Would you feel content if your H:
> - Chose you over plenty of other hot prospects more his type
> - Chose you despite the pressures of his peers
> - Chose you despite the hostility of society and her peers
> - Chose you for the sheer quality of your spirit and individual personality
> - Chose you because you are his best friend and he is yours
> 
> Yes? No? Maybe? =/


I don't care why he chooses me. I care why he loves me. I don't care what his peers think, I care what he thinks. He better be my friend or I'm gonna kick his butt. I don't want to marry my enemy, I want to marry my friend.


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## RandomDude

Then she should be content... but meh, trying to figure out if this is more my problem or hers, but it's nonetheless ours.

Oh well, this is a past issue anyways, who knows what has changed since our 9 month seperation, taking her out on Friday anyways


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## Blondilocks

It is my opinion that you will be happier if you forget about race, type, society and peers. Society and peers don't live with you. 

In the words of an infamous talk show psychologist: you wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do.

Really hope you and your wife can get back together.


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## always_alone

RandomDude said:


> Ok, had a discussion with someone about this... how about this:
> 
> - You are an attractive and highly desired woman, walking down the street you will tend to invert gazes
> 
> Would you feel content if your H:
> - Chose you over plenty of other hot prospects more his type
> - Chose you despite the pressures of his peers
> - Chose you despite the hostility of society and her peers
> - Chose you for the sheer quality of your spirit and individual personality
> - Chose you because you are his best friend and he is yours
> 
> Yes? No? Maybe? =/


One thing I *wouldn't* say is that he settled.


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## Faithful Wife

Did you settle, always?


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## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> It is my opinion that you will be happier if you forget about race, type, society and peers. Society and peers don't live with you.
> 
> In the words of an infamous talk show psychologist: you wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do.
> 
> Really hope you and your wife can get back together.


I was over it actually, and as I mentioned I did stop trying to get her to dye her hair + stop rejecting her in public. However, taking out my recent date is like a whole new world compared to walking down the street with my wife. I've been 'reminded' as such, but meh, you are correct. I'm done with such thoughts, I recently chose her over my date so I have to honor my own decision.

Anyways on topic...

I havee some people saying I did settle, and others saying I didn't, both with good points and hell I don't know what to believe. She is beautiful and sexy to me, and perhaps this is more a problem of my inability to give her WOA rather than a problem with her feelings of security. Besides, I can only control one not the other correct?


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## TiggyBlue

RandomDude said:


> *
> I havee some people saying I did settle, and others saying I didn't, both with good points and hell I don't know what to believe.* She is beautiful and sexy to me, and perhaps this is more a problem of my inability to give her WOA rather than a problem with her feelings of security. Besides, I can only control one not the other correct?


lol mate no one can tell you if you did or didn't settle. The only person who can say if you settled is you.


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## RandomDude

I thought I did but then people here have got me confuddled lol

If I was to ask myself if I settled in terms of my physical preferences, then -> Yes
But if I was to ask myself if anyone else fits the bill when it comes to my lifetime partner -> No

Physical preferences are meaningless anyway correct? What matters is how I see HER correct? So if I was to ask myself if I'm happy with my choice overall -> Yes

So I didn't settle, right? Or did I? >.< Oh hell what does it matter, the important thing is that I make her feel like I didn't correct?


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## RandomDude

It's trivial nowadays but made her feel insecure in the past, I'm just covering all the angles


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## Created2Write

RD, physical preferences are important in that physical attraction is important. If you're physically attracted to and aroused by her, then I'd say you didn't settle. 

As far as who she is, if she treats you well, makes you a priority, attempts to understand you and your needs, then I'd say you didn't settle. If you're happy and fulfilled being with her, why would you have "settled"?


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## tracyishere

Blondilocks said:


> The important thing is that you stop obsessing over this meaningless measure of 'right'. Is she the right girl for you? Only YOU can know that. I'm pretty sure she is as I'm pretty sure no one else could or would tolerate all your hand wringing over such trivial sh*t.


That was just rude. I think RD is doing a very honourable thing for his SO by discovering and openly discussing issues that he feels have to be dealt with in order to make his wife happy.


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## Created2Write

Whoa Blondilocks...uncalled for. Just uncalled for. Some people place value on the people they're with, and they want to do the right thing. RD has been through a lot with his wife, and it's awesome that he's trying to find the right thing to do. Having concern for relationships isn't "obsessing".


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## RandomDude




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## always_alone

RandomDude said:


> What matters is how I see HER correct?


Correct! Type is irrelevant. What matters are the individuals and how they feel about each other.


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## always_alone

Faithful Wife said:


> Did you settle, always?


Not always an easy question!

My SO is exactly right for me in so many ways. He gets me in a way no one else ever has --or ever will, I'm sure. And I get him.

So I would have to say no. But at the same time, life is more complicated than all of that and sometimes I wonder. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm prone to mid-life crisis.

I think I have way less drama in my life than RD, but I kinda get where he is coming from.


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## Blondilocks

It seems some people have gotten their knickers in a twist over a post that was deleted. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems RD is trying to figure out what will make HIM happy - his wife or other. When one clears the extraneous theories/philosophies from one's mind, the truth will be easier to determine. Happy now?


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## Created2Write

He's trying to figure out what would be best for _both_ of them, himself and his wife. He's trying to figure out if they both settled, or if they didn't, and that requires reflection, questioning, and ultimately, discovery. I think it's honorable that he's asking these questions. It's difficult to work through painful memories.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Why would it matter if you settled? All that matters is whether you're happy with what you have. Asking the question implies you're not, so why continue?


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## RandomDude

Me? I'm happy, but wife has never been happy/content with feeling 'settled for', hence this thread

Meh, I would be finding less excuses to divorce her if she isn't such an ice queen at present times during our semi-reconciliation


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## treyvion

RandomDude said:


> Me? I'm happy, but wife has never been happy/content with feeling 'settled for', hence this thread
> 
> Meh, I would be finding less excuses to divorce her if she isn't such an ice queen at present times during our semi-reconciliation


Describe some of the ice queen scenarios
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

Tis all in my seperation thread, but nevermind... think we'll let this thread die


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## DvlsAdvc8

She thinks you settled, but you're happy with her? That sounds like a classic self-esteem issue.

"I'm not good enough"

Forget about the settling and figure out why her self-esteem is so low and work on that maybe?


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## RandomDude

Thanks guys... right now I guess the answer to my question is staring at me right in the face -> Words of affirmation, which I had failed to give my wife, regardless of whether or not I 'settled'

Or have I truly failed? During the good times she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I would never dream of rejecting her, but during the 'meh' times and bad times I struggle with WOAs, and especially when sex becomes demanded of me.


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## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> Thanks guys... right now I guess the answer to my question is staring at me right in the face -> Words of affirmation, which I had failed to give my wife, regardless of whether or not I 'settled'
> 
> Or have I truly failed? During the good times she's the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I would never dream of rejecting her, but during the 'meh' times and bad times I struggle with WOAs, and especially when sex becomes demanded of me.


*Words of Affirmation*... *Admiration* (talked about in "His Needs, Her Needs)....also *Validation*.... get ahold of these... . http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

If/when you get back with your wife RD...and I think you'll be prepared for a wonderful journey ahead...when she opens that door unto you ...


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## RandomDude

IF she opens that door, my patience is wearing thin especially when everything I do is met with cold responses, right now I'm thinking of moving on (as I mentioned in my seperation thread)

Thanks though SA, but think we'll let this thread die


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## RandomDude

Please >.< let this thread die

I was stupid enough to open up this thread to try and evaluate an old persistent issue despite the fact that my marriage is dead anyways. Our semi-reconciliation is not getting anywhere so there's no longer any point of this either than self-reflection.

I'm no longer in a position to withhold approval/validation at the moment and if anything my wife is having her sweet revenge on me.


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## patrice84

I thought this was a ladies lounge?


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