# Relationship assesment - 1 year in.



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

When my marriage came apart, I came here. I re-grouped, and moved on. Stronger. Thanks.

I'm now approaching the 1 year "anniversary" of meeting the newest person in my life, and from both our accounts... we're "The One" for each other. Each of us believes this. I do, really; and I do believe she means it when she says it too. She's very expressive and outgoing. We have no problem talking about or telling each other whats oin our minds.

But.


You knew it. There is a "but".

In nearly a year, we've never had an argument. We've disagreed, but not much really. Usually stuff that can get sorted out PDQ. 

For her, I think she's in love 110%, as much as one can be. As am I. However it appears to manifest itself in waves, and sometimes I wonder whether I exist or not. Now, that's probably me..and I'm the one who probably has the problem. IF I was to poll her I bet she'd never know how "hurt" I've felt over these months, when those occasions do come up. 

We both have kids, we both have homes - houses. We don't always have our kids at the same time, but sometimes we do. When we dont have them, the one without stays at the home of the one with, if that makes sense. It took us a lot to get here, but that's were we are now, and the kids are cool with it too.

The big "issue" - which is I guess mine, is what happens when we each have our kids and we aren't together. This is when I get the "blown off" feeling. I can't understand why someone who can profess unending, undying, unmatched (you get the idea) love, can virtually go AWOL from me on those days. I mean... I still wake up at the same time, so does she. In light of the fact we're not physically together, how hard is it to just send a quick msg "good morning" or something like that? 

The other day - this weekend, late afternoon after some mindless, generic txt message I get a message "This play is soooooo funny". I had no idea what was being refererred to so my response was "Hmmmm....Play? Funny? I'm sorry I don't know what you're referring to. This is the first time you've mentioned this..."

(It turns out this was something of an all ages show, and she later recommended I take my kids to see it tomorrow, since the performace was now over). What bugs me about this is...well 2 things...

1/ It seems to me that she often refers to something - say this event - in a vague way... "this play....etc" as if stating without details is going to make me ask questions about it. Which of course I am curious, but the curiosity after 11 1/2 months has worn off... I dont know if that sounded right or not.

2/ If we would have "liked it and should go tomorrow", why couldn't we have done this thing together? When I asked this she said her parents invited them. So, - I thought later that evening - why couldn't she have said - lemme call BF to see if they wanted to come too. It was after all a public performance.


Maybe I'll start with that and read the comments about that, and fill in the rest of the story as needed...see where this goes... Because there is much, much more to the story (and one of you knows a lot of it already)...


C_C


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to HER about these things? 

C


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> The big "issue" - which is I guess mine, is what happens when we each have our kids and we aren't together. This is when I get the "blown off" feeling. I can't understand why someone who can profess unending, undying, unmatched (you get the idea) love, can virtually go AWOL from me on those days. I mean... I still wake up at the same time, so does she. In light of the fact we're not physically together, how hard is it to just send a quick msg "good morning" or something like that?
> 
> *So...you would like her to initiate contact more when you both have your kids? Is she responding when you initiate contact?*
> 
> ...


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Yes, and no.

One weekend when were were apart I was being affectionate over txts - since that's what we have, thats what we use. I didnt get anything "warm and fuzzy" back, if anything she was further off the 'warm/fuzzy" mark than ever... talking about other stuff - (who was up for their shower next etc...).

So I said something that referred to me being romantic and her not being so much so (I hated sounding like I was asking her to say SOMTHING....TO.... ME...)

Her response was "Love trancends silence and being unspoken, it survives even when not there" or something close to that effect.

It would have been MUCH easier have typed I love you... and less key strokes too.

The next day I laid off the txts a bit (at the suggestion of a friend of mine). She sent a bunch of txts.... again nothing romantic... kids in shower, watch netflix, having icecream...that kind of thing. At 12:06 (midnight) she sent "good Nihgt" and I replied then... "good night "

GF "Thanks"
ME "Why thanks, baby?" 
GF "For answering me"
ME "when would I not"
GF "tonight. You seemed busy... Too busy"


SO it was OK for her to ignore me, but the second I do it it becomse noticed...

So yeah we've talked about stuff, but not recently.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you've talked about "stuff"... Have you talked about this particular "stuff" in person, and not through texts? Have you talked about how this makes you feel? Have you brought up the subject of the play? 

Communication is easy when everything is roses and sunshine. It's when there's problems that communication between partners really shows strengths and weaknesses. 

C


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

> So...you would like her to initiate contact more when you both have your kids? Is she responding when you initiate contact?


Yes she does respond, but sometimes she doesn't. That can be explained by actually being busy with the kids. I get that. It's more the end of the day/beginning of the day I guess. She'll wake up and be on FB for however long, and then get around to me... When we're together it's kinda hard not to say good morning or good night to the person whose right beside you. LOL. I dont want to be the one always saying good morning or good night...first. Lately she's been better. So it's improving...




> This to me sounds like her way of engaging you, in general. It's vague so you HAVE to have a conversation vs. just "yes" or "no." Which may be annoying, but above you are complaining that she doesn't contact you enough when you both have the kids. Here she is contacting you and doing so in a way that you have to have more than just a cursory conversation. See that?


Engaging might have been required at the beginning of the relationship when we didnt have anything to talk about... but, we rarely DONT have nothing to say. I guess instead of saying "Kid #1 in the shower" I'd rather here "I miss you sweetie..." or something. Sometimes I get the feeling she mentions something to show whatever it is "better than...." Better than what I dont know.



> If her parents didn't invite you and your kids, I can see where she might feel like she is putting them out or asking too much of them. OR, they have stated that they don't feel comfortable with you yet, or something. This may be about her relationship with her parents more than her relationship with you.


I've been over to her parents house lots for dinner, thankgiving etc. We get along great together, but I usually only go over by myself, not with my kids. Although this halloween I was over there after trick or treating with my daughter, and that was very cool for all. No issue. 

The trick or treating thing bring up another example though... we both had our kids, and she didn't even suggest or entertain meeting up and going out together (This is something I have a big issue with). And actually now that I'm on this, I never saw her on her Birthday either. Which was on a Sunday this year, but we had kids. She never considered that I'd want to spend time with her on her Bday.. or even suggested she wasnt available so that I could know what to or not to plan. We didnt talk about this. I saw her the following day, and everything was lovey dovey and wonderful. As it always is. Until we're apart again and the ignoring thing happens. But, it doesnt always happen....



> It's also possible that somewhere in her mind, your gf doesn't want to disturb your time with your kids - she doesn't want to impose.


Right. I have a problem with that...she's not imposing, yet its as if she is trying to force me to spend time with my kids. I dont need to be told to do that. I have a great relationship with my kids, and for that I am so very fortunate.



> I don't really know, but I can see the possibility of many different reasons for her behavior that aren't about whether she loves you or not and it might be good to be open to those possibilities when you have a conversation about this.


Agreed to being open. Believe me I am all about transparency and honesty, but at the same time I dont know why she would do this. It's been suggested to me (by my therapist) that she might be hanging on to a vulnerability....protecting herself. She's not the type of person who needs protecting, trust me, and least of all from me. She says she can _feel_ how much I love her... and she loves me more because of that.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PBear said:


> So you've talked about "stuff"... Have you talked about this particular "stuff" in person, and not through texts? Have you talked about how this makes you feel?


A few month ago I did just that, yes. Although, now I dont recall what was said. I'm sure it was reasonable.



> Have you brought up the subject of the play?


Nope, only in txts. that just happened yesterday Not sure what more to say about play...or what good it would do. I asked her why she wouldn't have brought it up earlier, and the reply was "invited by parents", which to me doesn't address my question, but maybe to her it does.



> Communication is easy when everything is roses and sunshine. It's when there's problems that communication between partners really shows strengths and weaknesses.


NO arguement there...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

There are people who will not be affectionate over text. It's just not their thing. For some it feels too cheesy, some cannot live without it, we all different. 

The other thing - she is busy with kids. she is trying to do her best to make up to them the broken home. Her focus is on THEM. If you are in solid relationship, you don't need confirmation every hour. Give her the freedom of spending time with her children, do not suffocate her.

But you definitely need to talk to her. if you are saying "what good will it do?" you are already doubting your SO good intentions.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

The thing is...now you are looking at her behavior and interpreting it to mean something bad. She is wrong and you are right as opposed to you have needs and she isn't clear on what those are. I'm reading your post and wondering what exactly it is you want from her and maybe she is unclear as well. So I see this as a case of you each having different needs and you haven't communicated those clearly to each other or negotiated them.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

badsanta said:


> For married couples almost 90% of communication is nonverbal. When you are apart, your mind tries to fill in the gaps.
> 
> Nothing like a short text or the absence thereof for one to then way overanalyze everything to come to the conclusion that the other person is upset with you.
> 
> ...


THIS...made me laugh.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> The thing is...now you are looking at her behavior and interpreting it to mean something bad. She is wrong and you are right as opposed to you have needs and she isn't clear on what those are. I'm reading your post and wondering what exactly it is you want from her and maybe she is unclear as well. So I see this as a case of you each having different needs and you haven't communicated those clearly to each other or negotiated them.


I can see how you'd come to that conclusion, because only a very few bullet point of the last 11 1/2 months were typed out. I would seem to want more, and at the same time less from her. 

What do I want? I guess what I haven't said is we USED to text at bedtime...11PM ish... until we were tired... could be as long as an hour, couple be as short as 5 mins. But she was affectionate in her way, which is not mine, but I saw it just the same. Now it's down to the occasional ILY and I'd say 50/50 on getting a good night outta her (EDIT: when we're togther at night, its nearly impossible to stop her from telling me how she feels...and thats a good thing...it the abscense thats hard to make sense of...). I make it a point to make the effort to say good night or good morning. When I get a funk on...as I did this weekend, I find myself ignoring that which I want... the good night, as if to make a point, but all I'm really doing is being an idiot.

I'd like to be spoken to as a subject, instead of being the recipient of inconsequential fluff of the the day. 

She sent me a note today telling me she was busy after work and to come over a bit later than I would usually. She TOLD me, and it made a difference, in a good way..  
Despite the fact that I had a bit of a bombshell today - and needed her support - I can live the bit longer...LOL.

I'm hoping she recognized my need to be informed, communicated to, and that this was a step towards that. I dont care (figuratively) what she does, it would just be nice to hear..."hey I'm/we're doing this, I'll ttyl..." instead of hearing about what they're doing in a vague, unexplained way... that makes me have to guess...and pull teeth to figure out the whole story. 

Instead of telling me that (as an example) "the margaritas are really going down good tonight"....which would leave me scratching my head and thinking back to the "play", she told me she was going out after work. Now I'm a bit curious because this is something different in nearly a year, but it's all good, as they say, she just asked me to come over later. Cool. 

It's a big deal, getting to the year... and I guess I've been obsessing over it for a long time. As retarted as this sounds, back in month 3 or 4 she made mention of most of her relationships tanking by day 365. She's told me already that this isn't the case with us (I'll save you the details, the scmooze....). I thought at first when I heard it she was one of those women who sets an arbitrary limit and just calls everything over at that point. Friday is the big day and we plan on making the most of it...at least I know I'm planning that, and I'm sure she'll be doing the same. We celebrate every month as a milestone. We have a lot to be thankful for, and deserve to be happy 

C_C


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Neither my SO or I have kids living with us, but I has mine living with me off and on throughout our 3+ years of dating. And I think I'm those three plus years, I can count, using just my fingers, the number of times that we missed talking to each other on the phone before falling asleep at night. Even when we saw each other during the day, we made a point to "tuck each other in" every night. 

You need to evaluate whether you're on different pages with regards to your needs and love languages. And then work at meeting each others needs. 

C


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

The other thing I wanted to put out there is that for 9, maybe 10 days we're essentially living together. I go to work from her house, come home to her house, sleep and do it all over again. Except for some activities with kids on a couple days, thats how our life is. I help shovel the driveway, cut the grass... go shopping together. I do buy groceries, not many, but some. Much of this time her kids are there too. I see a Brady solution in the future, just not quite sure of when that is, I see it though. And, last week she said she just had to wrap her head around the whole co-habitating thing again. So, it's on her mind. My one kid will be off to university in 2 or 3 years, that will make things much easier to blend. For me, I already see the direction... but I dont quite think she's there, yet, as is attested to challenges surrounding "special days"...Christmas, Thanksgiving etc...

Just thought I'd add that bit too....


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is everything roses and sunshine for those 9 or 10 days? 

C


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PBear said:


> Is everything roses and sunshine for those 9 or 10 days?
> 
> C


Blissful. Not blindly so. 

Genuine.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm surprised then, that the two of you can't work out a compromise for the other times...


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> Her response was "Love trancends silence and being unspoken, it survives even when not there" or something close to that effect.


Am I the only one here that would have replied "no it doesn't" to that line?


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Am I the only one here that would have replied "no it doesn't" to that line?


Specifically why I posted it. For all the "great communication" and strategies from her, this was WAAAAAY off the mark. Shut me down right quick, and put me in a real funk. And... I memorized the entire dialog. Read it over and over... to figure out what I did that was wrong.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm surprised then, that the two of you can't work out a compromise for the other times...


I'm a bit at a loss to explain it... that's why I'm here. There are a few other quirknesses... (thats a new word, by the way)...

I asked her once if she was embarassed about being seen in public with me ( not that I'm unsightly, she finds me attractive...and I guess so...LOL). Chagned her FB status to "in a relationship with..." and then hid it. No one can see that status, but if you look at my page it shows it right out there - everyone can read it. Little things like that...guess keeps me guessing...and scratching my head.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Sounds like you're worried she's not as invested as you are? Are you asking us if we think you should be worried?


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Is that the current, the question, that seems to present itself? I don't know that there is an answer to that from a few entries here; I'm not asking it specifically because I know how she feels about me... But you may still have an opinion. Her actions and words when we're together make it unmistakable how she feels. 

C_C


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not every communicates through text and phone calls the same way. If things are good at other times, maybe you need to temper your expectations. 

C


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> Is that the current, the question, that seems to present itself? I don't know that there is an answer to that from a few entries here; I'm not asking it specifically because I know how she feels about me... But you may still have an opinion. Her actions and words when we're together make it unmistakable how she feels.
> 
> C_C


That's the question that presents itself coming from you telling us that she usually makes it no more than a year and her texts are different than they used to be. 

I'm on the fence about the texting and whether it means anything. If there is a particular way that she texts, i.e. non-contextual texts where she seems to want you to guess - you can address that directly. Ask her why she sends you those. Let her know that you have been perceiving them as her messing with you and then go from there. But start with trying to understand, with neutral curiosity, why she does that from her perspective.

If she USED to text good night and she doesn't anymore, there is a part of me that says "We get comfortable with each other and don't feel like we need to do those things so much." Maybe that's okay and maybe we need to be vigilant that comfort doesn't turn into taking each other for granted. I don't know.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> That's the question that presents itself coming from you telling us that she usually makes it no more than a year and her texts are different than they used to be.


Right. OK. well I'm not really asking. As it stands now the one year thing is pretty much irrelevant. Although I'll let you know Saturday for sure... LOL.



> I'm on the fence about the texting and whether it means anything.


Oh I think it does, it's the modern day passed note... just in a brief, and instant form. If it didn't have value it wouldn't become part of our (some people's) communication tools/strategy.



> If there is a particular way that she texts, i.e. non-contextual texts where she seems to want you to guess - you can address that directly. Ask her why she sends you those. Let her know that you have been perceiving them as her messing with you and then go from there.


A few people have indicated that it's her way of sharing. I can accept that. IT would be nice though to get something a little more personal, not just "kids in the shower..." updates. If you know what I mean.



> But start with trying to understand, with neutral curiosity, why she does that from her perspective.


 Yes. I would like to know that. She's told me that she's not all that lovey dovey via txt, but historically thats not accurate. I think it's just her saying that so she doesn't have to. But she does ask me about my day etc... I'm not saying she doesn't. BUt, like I mentioned, it comes in fits and starts... and sometimes completely non-existent.



> If she USED to text good night and she doesn't anymore, there is a part of me that says "We get comfortable with each other and don't feel like we need to do those things so much." Maybe that's okay and maybe we need to be vigilant that comfort doesn't turn into taking each other for granted. I don't know.


I've heard that, and I can sort of agree with it. Sort of. But if that's the case, then we shouldn't need to say "you look nice, honey", or kiss, or hold hands as much. And that's not true at all...

C_C


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The tables have turned here. I'm the one who desires a little more intimacy from my BF, whereas I used to be more like C_C's gf. 

Sorry, I have no idea anymore. LOL!


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> To me it sounds like when you are together, she is very intimate, in a purely innocent sense, but when you aren't together, she isn't.


 Bingo.



> When you try to be intimate through texts that passion gets lost on her...


 I dont know about that...but I dont always get the "appropriate response", so I've backed off with my txting in that regard.



> I guess my question would be, when you text her and the kids aren't with her, does she reciprocate that intimacy?


When the kids aren't with her, we're always together... so txting doesn't happen.



> Maybe she can't interpret feelings and emotion in textual form, so then she doesn't reciprocate those emotions.


 I would think by now she's pretty clear on what my meaning is...



> Maybe, also, when her kids are around she feels the pain of abandonment from her past relationship, and when you two are together she welcomes your "physical" presence filling that void.


maybe. but, I dont know. She doesn't seem like the type to dwell on that, and it was so long ago for her that I dont there's anything to be pining about. She thoroughly enjoys my company. OF that there is no question...


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

On Friday we celebrated our 1 year anniversary. As has become our tradition, we make our own cards. Her words were true, and honest as I've come to expect from her - "The first of many to be certain". Really, what else do I need to hear? We didn't go out for a fancy supper as we were heading out the following evening to my company Christmas Party. We just enjoyed being together.

I am convinced that she is into me as much as I am her, as I was told today..."when she's silent..think of all the little loving gestures that make you believe she loves you. Revel in those until you can be together...."

I will indeed.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Could she be spending time with her ex or someone else? do you mean you don't spend time together when she has her children only. Does she disappear when you have your children? 

Do you go places together likes plays and outing! When you lived together those 10 days, she did not have her children.

From what you said her actions speak volumes. She wants you part time not really integrated into her life. She is living a different life when she is not with you.

Do some investigating. I don't think you should see her as a long term potential. She does not seem to think you are important enough to want you full time. no matter what her words say. I think you need to work on your picker. The fact that you put up with this for a year is telling. You don't value yourself enough. It's best not to go ahead with this relationship. Take a break from her and date some more until you are able to select a woman who acts like she is crazy about you and treats you with respect.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Could she be spending time with her ex or someone else?


 Her ex...you've got to be kidding. After te amount of money he's cost her through litigation, im surprised she doesnt have a hit out on him....LOL...seriously just kidding about the hit. Someone else? Her kids and her ailing parents, someone else...no.



> do you mean you don't spend time together when she has her children only. Does she disappear when you have your children?


 I only have my kids when she has hers, but she has hers for longer than when I have mine. When my kids got back to thier moms, I am over at her place, with her kids and without her kids. 



> Do you go places together likes plays and outing! When you lived together those 10 days, she did not have her children.


 Oh yes of course. We love going to plays, movies, or just down to the lakeshore to walk around. We go out shopping together...Of course we do stuff. During those 10 days she has her kids for part of it, and not for another part of it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How long in between your ex and starting out with this new GF?

Those who fail to learn from their past are destined to repeat it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I'm a bit at a loss to explain it... that's why I'm here. There are a few other quirknesses... (thats a new word, by the way)...
> 
> I asked her once if she was embarassed about being seen in public with me ( not that I'm unsightly, she finds me attractive...and I guess so...LOL). Chagned her FB status to "in a relationship with..." and then hid it. No one can see that status, but if you look at my page it shows it right out there - everyone can read it. Little things like that...guess keeps me guessing...and scratching my head.


I find this post interesting. You seem to spend a lot of energy interpreting, trying to understand what it all means, rather than simply "asking". The FB relationship thing for example, why not simply ask her? "why is your relationship status hidden, are you trying to hide it?"


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How long in between your ex and starting out with this new GF?.


a year.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I find this post interesting. You seem to spend a lot of energy interpreting, trying to understand what it all means, rather than simply "asking". The FB relationship thing for example, why not simply ask her? "why is your relationship status hidden, are you trying to hide it?"


I guess I do. I don't want to make the same mistakes with this person that I may have made with my ex. 

I brought this up with her quite some time ago. I did ask her. If I recall...its been quite a while....the answer was to do with her privacy, and she never listed status at any time. Or something to that effect. I only mentioned it now as a "for instance...."; its been dealt with. She has no problem posting celebrations and stuff with me on her FB page. Just doesn't publicly list relationship status... Doesnt seem to mind that mine is visible. Doesnt mind aI posted a picture of the two of us dressed up for a wedding in my family. The two of us, and the two of us and my kids. Good looking family, I must say 

My therapist concluded to me that she appears genuine, and agrees that im the one who has an issue with the times when we're apart. She said essentially... if there are so many indicators and actions that she cares unconditionally, then when the feelings of being ignored come along, recall the ways she demonstrates she DOESN'T ignore you. Therapist said that my intuition, my gut feelings are accurate...and I should listen to them. Therapist thinks I'm a lucky guy, and we discussed where things would go from here, because all things progress. I see possibilities...

Thinking about the status thing though...I know that was back 10 months ago, and just as a matter of conversation at the time she told me that she'd never gotten to a year with anyone else. This is where I think I jumped to the wrong conclusion thinking I was on borrowed time...with an finite deadline to this relationship. 

One of the comments on her anniversary card to me was "The first of many to be certain!" Pretty self-explanitory.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Remind yourself the only ones who care about Facebook relationship statuses are 14 yr old girls and Elvis fans.

TALK to her. Obviously, this bothers you but you clam up. Do something about that.


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

@revamped.......You're right about fb. I guess at the time that came up i was thinking about the one year comment...and the finite - ness that implied. Obviously that is not the case here. I guess I was thinking the last time I trusted..... That not turning out so well. Time to let go of that and move on. Because she is more than worth it.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> @revamped.......You're right about fb. I guess at the time that came up i was thinking about the one year comment...and the finite - ness that implied. Obviously that is not the case here. I guess I was thinking the last time I trusted..... That not turning out so well. Time to let go of that and move on. Because she is more than worth it.


Revamped is indeed correct.
What I see here is two people who might speak slightly different Love Langauges. 

Have you taken the quiz?
Home | The 5 Love Languages®

It's quick and easy and often reveals subtle ( or not so subtle) differences in the way each partner wants to be loved.


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

The Love Languages one is a good read for both. It might take a little convincing for her to read it but if she cares about you she will read it, and may get some insight from it. 

While my situation isn't exactly the same, I too suffer from some anxiety from the way my girlfriend acts when she's not with me. This includes Facebook (she too took a LONG time to update relationship status, but that's a whole another discussion). She went through the Love Languages inventory and found out that Physical Touch is high on my list (which is true) but she kind of forgotten about 'Words of Affection'. 

I told her a few times and sent an email indicating that things are great and all, but that I need some validation -- maybe not as often as I would like, but sometimes -- and that's just what i need in a relationship. On my side, when she makes the effort (and for her, it is not because she doesn't love me, its just she doesn't act that way) I need to accept it, rather than try to go 'Why didn't she do X which is so natural to me?'

I guess one last thought I'd give you is that I read somewhere that the key to a happy relationship is to NOT try to interpret deeper motives to things your partner does. So for example, if your partner didn't do the laundry, its not because they hate you, its because they forgot. Similarly, if your partner doesn't text you more lovey dovey, its not that they don't love you. Its just that they don't text. 

But communication is the key, you shouldn't feel bad that you have these needs, and that you need your partner to meet these needs.


----------



## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I'm a bit at a loss to explain it... that's why I'm here. There are a few other quirknesses... (thats a new word, by the way)...
> 
> I asked her once if she was embarassed about being seen in public with me ( not that I'm unsightly, she finds me attractive...and I guess so...LOL). Chagned her FB status to "in a relationship with..." and then hid it. No one can see that status, but if you look at my page it shows it right out there - everyone can read it. Little things like that...guess keeps me guessing...and scratching my head.


OP...I only signed in to respond to this. I was in a relationship that was publicised all over facebook. Once that rship ended, I swore never to do that kind of thing again. It didn't matter who I dated, I decided to keep my rship private. It has nothing to do with being ashamed or proud of the other person, just keeping it off social network. I have seen many ladies do the same too.
Your SO might be in the same shoe, so don't judge sorely on that


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

And this is why i don't do facebook...you can second guess yourself until your out of a relationship


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> OP...I only signed in to respond to this. I was in a relationship that was publicised all over facebook. Once that rship ended, I swore never to do that kind of thing again. It didn't matter who I dated, I decided to keep my rship private. It has nothing to do with being ashamed or proud of the other person, just keeping it off social network. I have seen many ladies do the same too.
> Your SO might be in the same shoe, so don't judge sorely on that


Well like I said, there are more little niggly things that on their own don't mean much, but when lumped together....

We were at dinner out the other night with another couple and somehow the conversation ended up talking about daughter going to some post-secondary school...during which she basically alluded to moving to one city and possibly another depending on where school was going to be. 

Another time she mentioned buying a place in Europe and spending half her time there and half her time here. When I said that sounds nice she said "Stick around then..."

Maybe as time goes on things will become clearer? I guess with only a year in there is still a lot to work out. It'll be 8 years before the daughter goes of to post-secondary anyways...

Maybe I just think too much?


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Lol! We've all been guilty of thinking too much.

And she's talking about her long term plans, it seems that you are included.

Sometimes, people say their dreams out loud. Again, you are included. Btw, you handled that quite nicely....

May I make a suggestion?

Relax.

Breathe.

You got this!


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Lol! We've all been guilty of thinking too much.Btw, you handled that quite nicely....


I did? In what way?


> May I make a suggestion?
> 
> Relax.
> 
> ...


I sure hope so, I'm too old to start from scratch.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> Another time she mentioned buying a place in Europe and spending half her time there and half her time here. When I said that sounds nice she said "Stick around then..."


You didn't respond with an attitude. You were pleasant and didn't stomp on her ideas for the future. 

The "what about ME" accusation didn't come out.


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

To me, I think you come off as immature. You celebrate every month of your relationship, you worry about your status on Facebook, you only text message instead of actually calling her, and so on. Why don't you pick up the phone and call her instead of trying to interpret what the texts mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> To me, I think you come off as immature. You celebrate every month of your relationship, you worry about your status on Facebook, you only text message instead of actually calling her, and so on. Why don't you pick up the phone and call her instead of trying to interpret what the texts mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate your opinion, and I see where that comes from. I guess then, we are both immature since it is both of us that enjoy celebrating the "Monthlies". We cherish the small, "insignificant" things, because they in fact make up the more valuable moments of our lives. My X was closed off and sterile, often ignoring special occasions..birthdays, etc...

We never "talk" on the phone, or rarely - when she was ill in the summer and basically couldn't leave the bed - and that call was appreciated beyond words - because it was special. We usually don't have time with 2 kids each and each others houses to make time for a phone "call". And...often that time is at night, after the kids are tucked in. So, it works for us, it's what we do. But, you'd be correct that nuances of voice tone don't get translated well, if at all.

I am happy beyond words with where our relationship has gone. A number of initial milestones behind, some of which I know were not light decisions on her part, tell me how vested she is in us. Not "me", not "her"....Us.

C_C


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I appreciate your opinion, and I see where that comes from. I guess then, we are both immature since it is both of us that enjoy celebrating the "Monthlies". We cherish the small, "insignificant" things, because they in fact make up the more valuable moments of our lives. My X was closed off and sterile, often ignoring special occasions..birthdays, etc...
> 
> We never "talk" on the phone, or rarely - when she was ill in the summer and basically couldn't leave the bed - and that call was appreciated beyond words - because it was special. We usually don't have time with 2 kids each and each others houses to make time for a phone "call". And...often that time is at night, after the kids are tucked in. So, it works for us, it's what we do. But, you'd be correct that nuances of voice tone don't get translated well, if at all.
> 
> ...


I never said either of you were not committed or invested in each other. All I said was that you both come off as immature. What you describe is what a lot of teenagers do(celebrating every month together - our 3 monthiversary!, texting only instead of calling, etc.). I did some of that myself as a teen(texting only), but I grew out of it. I don't hear of many adults or know of any adults doing the same thing. I personally would not want to deal with that(too immature). You can celebrate the special times(holidays, birthdays, fun events, job promotions, etc) without reverting back to more childlike tendencies. 

I have a child myself, but it's still really easy to just pick up the phone and call someone. I have done it many times at night after my son is in bed. A phone call is faster than trying to type out a text, so I don't understand the excuse of not having "time". You say "it works for us", but then why are you here? Obviously, it's not working out so well. 

Maybe it's time to pick up the phone and just talk on the phone. If she isn't mature enough to handle that, then maybe it's something you need to think about for your future and how things will be handled.


----------

