# Reconnect During Separation



## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

OK....I have posted a few times now and have learned TONS - I am reading every book I can. I just took out his need her needs, divorce remedy and one other one that I will read tonite.

Last night he stated lets give our separation 30 days since he already paid for a room...long story short...together 20 years...he had affair 10 years ago....I never forgave and made him relive it over and over and over for 10 years by asking WHY....I have nagged...and nagged and nagged - I became a *****....plain and simple. Last week was another fight and I asked him to leave - I had done that several times over the last few years -this is the first time he said he had the guts...

I started talking to 2 counselors and a dear friend and have come to realize just how much of this IS MY FAULT..and I want to save this....

He listened last night....he hugged me and said lets see what the next month brings. We are going to do a few dates...actually we have a wedding in 2 weeks which I KNOW will be awesome....and he said today he would go so that is good...

But now I struggle to know HOW to reconnect with him on a normal level....I am still giving him space so will not call or email unless i have to....but want to get back that sarcastic fun goofy relationship we had....but at what point does a man want that when separated!?!?

I do not want to do too much too soon....but want him to see this person so he knows its not just bull**** (I have told him before I would stop the nagging and get happy, it never happened) - so of course now he is not too trusting...but even just learning what I did last week lifted 1000 pounds from my shoulders and made me feel lighter and happier already...

And with him not being here I am not sure how to really show him the changes I am working towards....

From a guys point of view.....what would you want or what would be too much or just right in terms of contact and trying to reconnect with him......


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You've got a good book there in HNHN. 

I hesitate to say you could have gained from reading Harley's "Surviving an Affair" at the time.

Get "Love Busters" too. That will address your behaviors that kill love and empty one's love bank.

Just start to fill his bank, when possible, with his most important emotional needs. Do it without expectations of anything in return. A little at a time, one foot in front of the other. 

After ten years, I'm sure this is going to take time for him to believe it's real. But if you were as you described, this change in behavior will be very noticeable. 

Here's some basics; Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Good luck.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks Anchorwatch, I actually started reading divorce remedy last night and that book is great so far! Hope to get to HNHN today - I have to find LoveBusters did not see it at the library. 

I guess that is where I am confused, we are so out of touch I am not even sure what his emotional needs are anymore. :-(

I have been so preoccupied with getting him to fill my emotional needs since he had the affiar that I totally lost track of what has mattered to him...

He was here last night after our daughters school conference and stayed until 8pm...the 3 of us sat on the couch together and watched the Simpsons.....I cannot even tell you the last time we did that...it was great and I am kicking myself in the ass for not doing that more often.... 

We laughed and talked and it was nice.....but the big elephant is still there - then he left. I hate it. 

I am just so scared of doing or saying the wrong thing....I am not texting or emailing unless I absolutely have to and am guessing that is best for now...

I miss sending goofy silly texts --- I miss feeling like I can call him whenever....but I know I need to wait for him to start that back up again.....

I am terrified that he will not forgive my past attitude - especially since I had never forgiven the affair..... :-(

The whole I am not in love you and I should have left years ago thing is still sitting in my head - and although I get they all say that, I am just not convinced he is like others and can be woo'ed back.....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get those books.

Here are the concepts.

This is how you create romantic love. 

The Most Important Emotional Needs

This is what kills loving feelings

Love Busters

Just keep at it. Be pleasant even it it's in the face of failure, no negative behaviors.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'll just add something based on my experience. You are working in crisis mode right now. You have found new value in your relationship and are hoping not to loose it. If you both do manage to keep things together the hard part is going to be not falling back into old behavior patterns when things get back to feeling comfortable again.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks so much! I have a lot of reading to do today ---- 

I just wish I could read him better these days.....


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Shoto, I think that is EXACTLY his concern and why he will not break his wall down easily. 

I am 100% confident my behaviors will change. I already in a week feel so much better about myself and the fact that I have taken responsibility for my fault in all of this. I have NO INTENTION of being that unhappy angry person with him or with anyone.....my only unhappiness now likes in the fact that this may really be over...

I just wish I can get him to read some of the books and articles....his constant "i am not in love with you" remarks hurt like hell - and I am sure he is as conflicted as I was...but I also told him the same, and know deep down it was never really true - it was just my anger getting in the way...

He swore a month or two ago there was no way to save this...but yet seemed to try in his own way to save it...so I know he is confused...

i am just afraid the time away is doing more harm than good.....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

workingatit said:


> Thanks so much! I have a lot of reading to do today ----


Ten year's worth. 

“Believe you can and you're halfway there.” T.R.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So you say this:

he had affair 10 years ago....I never forgave and made him relive it over and over and over for 10 years by asking WHY....I have nagged...and nagged and nagged - I became a *****....plain and simple. Last week was another fight and I asked him to leave - I had done that several times over the last few years"

But you say this:

"I have been so preoccupied with getting him to fill my emotional needs since he had the affiar that I totally lost track of what has mattered to him..."

It's pretty obvious that if you're continually nagging him and have not moved past the affair, there is NO chance he's going to meet your emotional needs.

Out marriage counselor said that without forgiveness, there was no chance for our marriage and, after five years, my wife should have been at a point to move on (I'm not saying "forget", but not making it the club which is used to beat me every day.)

I realize that everyone who has been cheated on has a different ability to rebound after the affair, but if you want the marriage to work, you have to rebound.

he also has to commit to making it work. he can't walk around butthurt all the time because of your past bad behavior. He has to recognize that you are trying and he has to try with you.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

Chris - thank you! And that is where I am at. I have spoke to 2 different counselors in the past 2 weeks and HAVE FINALLY reached a place of forgiveness. Why? because it was SPELLED OUT FOR ME that he DID try to apologize and did try to make amends and I was too busy feeling wounded and hurt to see it.

He actually blurted out last week, right before I asked him to leave - how he thought he HAD SHOWN he was sorry. The problem was that my expectations of how he should apologize and how he did were totally different things. He never before told me that his actions were his way of showing he cared and wanted to fix things....

I can move on from this with the new knowledge I have and am taking a lot of steps to better understand myself and how to let go of anger and the negative feelings....and I have told him all of this in the last few days.

I am not sure how committed he is at this point....he has been out for a week.....he does not email or text unless its about our daughter, but we have had some good conversations while he has been at the house.

He did say lets give it a month and see what happens.....that is how long he rented the room for.

I know he is deeply hurt that I made him relive his pain over and over and he thinks he can never feel the way he used to about me and it breaks my heart ot know that this could have been prevented if I had dealt with my feelings more honestly a long time ago....I asked about mutual counseling, but he said not right now.....

Are you and your wife back together now?


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