# This is insurmountable, right?



## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

New here. Divorced for 2.5 years. Have been dating guy #3 on and off since January - definitely more off than on.

The good: we're both fun, outdoorsy, laid-back, love our kids type of people. Chemistry is of no issue. We are happy when together

The bad: We live 1.5 hours apart - but he drives for a living (sales) and has no real issue being the one coming up to see me. We have great fun together - but the moment he leaves it goes down hill fast. He hates the phone. Texts and phone calls to him go unanswered. He'll call (sometimes) when he's on a long drive home from a sales trip. So it's always, ALWAYS on his terms. And sometimes, he'll be out of touch for days. And then all of sudden not only is he texting, but sexting me. Not upset about that - that's fun...but it's confusing to know who's on the other end of the phone any given day.

We're recently on the outs because we went on a great date...then didn't hear from him for 2 days ..it was only "At customer site. ttyl" But he didn't. The following day we had a huge fight (we're broken up now) about him being distant and me being needy (which I hate being called!!) 

So now it's a beeeautiful day and I so want to invite him up for Sunday. But the truth is more likely that I'd like a guy to be with Sunday, and he's just the only one I have to call. That's kind of ridiculous.

And he might take the invite or he might let it fall to the floor. He may call and yell at me. And if he does show, we'll have fun and then he'll leave and I'll be questioning everything all over again.

Gah. Tell me how to get over this. It would be SO MUCH EASIER if we didn't have the parts that are good...and if only there were other guys as options..but it's so dry around herer. I'm miserable.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Labeling each other as "distant" and "needy" isn't helpful. You would like more contact from him. You can ask for that. If, instead of showing a willingness to do that he makes your wanting it wrong by calling you needy, then he has shown you who he is (an a**hole) and he should remain dumped. 

From the sounds of it you don't mean that much to him. I vote let him go.


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## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Labeling each other as "distant" and "needy" isn't helpful. You would like more contact from him. You can ask for that. If, instead of showing a willingness to do that he makes your wanting it wrong by calling you needy, then he has shown you who he is (an a**hole) and he should remain dumped.
> 
> From the sounds of it you don't mean that much to him. I vote let him go.


You are spot on. "He's just not that into you." comes to mind. On a bad day, I take that personally....like somehow I am "less than". It makes me want to make him want to want me. And that's so pitiful and so not me. 

I surprise myself.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

getonyourfeet said:


> You are spot on. "He's just not that into you." comes to mind. On a bad day, I take that personally....like somehow I am "less than". It makes me want to make him want to want me. And that's so pitiful and so not me.
> 
> I surprise myself.


By the time my marriage was finished, I felt like I wasn't enough for my x. I was never enough. He made me feel like I was a work in progress...and I let him. It chipped away at how I thought of myself. There was always some criticism about how something could have been better, even something as stupid as how to load the dishwasher. 

I don't know if you had something similar in your marriage?

All I can say is it is worth surrounding yourself with people who think you are enough....and make sure you know it. Friends, family, lovers.

Why do you think his neglect makes you want to make him value you more? I ask because some people are broken in the way that they get off on creating that kind of dynamic in what could be a loving relationship. Those people will treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated.

I am on the kick him to the curb side. Call a girl friend and get some emotional support until you feel able to guard your heart against him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

are you sure he isn't married? Living with someone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Basically, you're an option for him.

He just isn't interested in spending more time with you or being more invested than he currently is in your relationship. Now, if you're happy with the level of engagement the two of you currently have, wonderful. If you want more, though, then he's not the guy for you. Sure, you two have great times when you're together, but what you have now is all he's interested in.


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## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Why do you think his neglect makes you want to make him value you more? I ask because some people are broken in the way that they get off on creating that kind of dynamic in what could be a loving relationship. Those people will treat us how we allow ourselves to be treated.


This question is a good one. One of my best friends, when I was going in for round 2 or 3 with this guy said, "..almost sounds like battered woman syndrome."

I took REAL offense to that...and it's truly way too harsh for my situation...and there was no violence of any kind in my marriage...

but your comment in combination with that is giving me pause. Thanks.


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## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> are you sure he isn't married? Living with someone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been to his place - total bare-bones bachelor pad. No signs of a woman being around.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Is he saying other women?


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## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Is he saying other women?


At this point, totally possible because we have been broken up for a month. When we were together, I don't think so - but not sure. His work and his sons keep him extremely busy...and he's extremely gun shy of getting involved. Claims he has enough drama from women with hidden agendas to last a life time. So any conflict makes him bow out; swim away (he's a Pisces!)


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He isn't ready to date anyway. 

Did you meet him online?


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## getonyourfeet (Oct 16, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Did you meet him online?


Yes. 

Are most online guys unavailable?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No idea. I just figured that his distance from you suggested online.

Aren't there any clubs or social organizations in your area? I mean hobby or interest clubs.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He does not sound worth your time. Do you feel like you NEED a man? If thats how you feel, then you need to take some time and work on yourself. You should not feel like you need a man in your life for it to be complete. 

Let him go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds married or involved with someone. Which would explain his absences, being out of touch, living far away, driving to you, only communicating when he wants. 

Have you ever been to his house? 

How did you meet him?



getonyourfeet said:


> We have great fun together - but the moment he leaves it goes down hill fast. He hates the phone. Texts and phone calls to him go unanswered. He'll call (sometimes) when he's on a long drive home from a sales trip. *So it's always, ALWAYS on his terms. * And sometimes, he'll be out of touch for days. And then all of sudden not only is he texting, but sexting me. Not upset about that - that's fun...but it's confusing to know who's on the other end of the phone any given day.


He sounds like bad news. Or someone to keep around for sex only -- if you even want to deal with that. You have been dating him since January--which is ten months now -- and he has been inconsistent the entire time--almost a year. I say cut him loose so you can date other people and not worry about him. His behavior to you is sh*tty -not bothering to respond to you at all, blowing you off, disappears for days and then comes back all sexting you horny stuff like the other stuff never happened.

You deserve more. But you will never get it as long as you are involved with him.

What's that old Oprah saying? The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He has showed you a million times.

This is who he is. He does not respect you which is why he treats you this way. 

Value yourself more and end it with this guy. You can tell him "Your behavior is pretty sh*tty with your many disappearances and not even giving a fig to respond after spending entire weekends with me. I am not interested in doing this anymore." 

Or better yet, don't even reach out to him as he has done to you.

When he texts you after his last (current absence), just write back "Who is this?" and delete his # from your phone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

getonyourfeet said:


> At this point, totally possible because we have been broken up for a month.


Good. Stay that way.



getonyourfeet said:


> His work and his sons keep him extremely busy...and he's extremely gun shy of getting involved. Claims he has enough drama from women with hidden agendas to last a life time. So any conflict makes him bow out; swim away (he's a Pisces!)


That is a bullsh*t excuse and you know it. If he really was interested, no matter the drama he has had, he wouldn't care and he'd call you and be consistent.




getonyourfeet said:


> You are spot on. "He's just not that into you." comes to mind. On a bad day, I take that personally....like somehow I am "less than". It makes me want to make him want to want me. And that's so pitiful and so not me.
> 
> I surprise myself.


Well, don't feel too down on yourself. When people reject us, it does make us wonder why and we feel bad. The thing is to not wallow in it. This guy's actions show that he just plain sucks and can't be honest. He doesn't even own his bad behavior and calls you "needy" when you aren't being needy by wanting consistency in a relationship. That is called gaslighting someone. 



getonyourfeet said:


> It would be SO MUCH EASIER if we didn't have the parts that are good...and if only there were other guys as options..but it's so dry around herer. I'm miserable.


More miserable than you would be if you were still in this off/on dating farce of a "relationship?" I doubt it.

Get online and make a dating profile. Meet people. Join a meet up group. Get busy. Stop giving this guy space in your head.

The way he treated you sucks. Realize that and move on.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

I REALLY like the gaslighting comment.


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