# still thinking and confused



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

i love my fiance dearly and we want to get married. we are young i am 21 and he is 23. but my biggest fear of marriage is feeling trapped and i dont know why. he is a good man to me and always very willing in any way in any situation. plus my family, mainly mom, is trying to push me to "grow up" and marry my fiance due to "disgracing" the family (premarital sex). my father is trying to fight my desire to marry my fiance by setting me up with his old colleagues sons from his country which is an arranged marriage with his personal agenda behind it. 

the thing is i know exactly what i want and when, but it seems like no one wants to wait, but me. i'll be done with my BA next year in the fall and that is when i am hoping to marry in the spring afterwards while i am working on my teacher's credential. 

all this pressure is driving me crazy and i feel like i cant focus on what i have to do in the now and everything is waaay over my head and my feet are not grounded at all. 

i feel that my best bet is that by june i move out into an apt with my fiance. this way it's easy for the both of us. he gets his meals and such and i can play housewife until i finish school. budget the money and save up monthly for a wedding. i dont have to live with the pressures of my family, even though i plan to move 2 minutes away. 

i still feel we both need to grow a bit until things settle. but all this outside pressure is interrupting my instincts on what i feel is best for me. 

what do you ladies/guys think? i appreciate any hardcore, blunt opinions that is straightforward w/o any questions. just opinions please. thank you!


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

You have to do what is best for you. You are the one that has to live with your decisions, it is your life. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, wanting to plan things out and take it one step at a time. Finishing school is so important and should be a priority above all. Planning and preperation are admirable qualities in a person. Hang in there! You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you...take a breath........we are here if you need us. 

kajira - (a mom)


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira ~ Is wise to tell you to do what is best for you.

I would move an hour away if I could so family would have to plan to go to see you but still could. 

If you are not ready then it isn't your time. You are your own person and people need to respect that. You are not here to do the bidding of your parents and not a pawn to close a business deal. Do what you want. It seems you have mapped a good path for yourself.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

Listen to your gut. If you say now's not a good time to get married, now just ain't a good time to get married. It doesn't matter the reason. You don't have to explain your life decisions because you are the ONLY person that is going to have to deal with the consequences. Others may be affected, but at the end of the day they go home and lie in their own beds.

As long as moving in with the fiance won't cause you to think you have to marry him now, go for it. 

Some advice? I don't know how pushy your family is, but if you run into any issues with them trying to assert themselves once you're out of the house--do not hesitate to set down boundaries. This will be your apartment. Certain behavior won't be tolerated: do not hound/guilt/nag you with marriage talk, put you down for premarital sex, stop by without calling, disrespect your fiance. Don't let their pressure infect you.

Good luck.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Thank you everyone. This makes me feel better that i have the support in what i am doing/planning feels right.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

oceanbreeze said:


> Thank you everyone. This makes me feel better that i have the support in what i am doing/planning feels right.


We will always be here for you.

draconis


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## atula (Nov 6, 2007)

I think you are a very brave girl and you should just do whatever you think is correct. Marriage is not a decision you make in a day or two. It is your life which you are thinking about and that too spending with someone else. So you cant just wake up one morning and say I'll get married to xyz.
You can just talk to your parent calmly and tell them that you are not yet ready for the big day. You can also tell them that it is not about whom you marry but the question of marrieage itself. 
Ithink when you are so clear in your mind about your future then you should let your parents too know about it...


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## 3plus3 (Nov 1, 2007)

I think your plan sounds fine. You need to do what is best for you, don't let anyone pressure you into marriage when you aren't ready.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

oceanbreeze,

Don't let anyone tell you when to get married. If you are not ready then don't do it. This is probably why you are thinking about being trapped. With all the pressure you are experiencing it's got to be hard. 

We are in the 20th century and all though many parents still think that premarital sex is wrong, 90% of the population is doing it and living together before married. Living with some one prior to the marriage, in my opinion, is the best way to see how one will be after you are married.

Again, do what feels right for you. I know you love your parents, but you are an adult now and have grown up a long time ago, so make your own decision.

Good Luck!


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