# Failing Marriage and 3 weeks pregnant. Advice needed!



## Gerwaiian (Jan 3, 2013)

First I will add that I am 27 and my husband is 30.
I told my husband a week ago that I am not in love with him anymore. Then I just found out that I am 3 weeks pregnant.
My husband is not a bad man, he is just not a good husband. He doesn't give me emotional or physical attention what so ever. He is obsessed with the idea that he needs "me time" more than he needs "us time".. He works 40+ hours a week (and I commend him for his financial support) and has 4 children with 2 other women. I am not currently working (though I really want to be) because I am taking care of his 3 youngest (5, 3, 2.) when he and the children's mother is working. More than anything I feel like a glorified babysitter. I spend more time with the children than they do. My husband is also an alcoholic. I believe he has ADHD and uses the alcohol to self-medicate. I've asked him to go to the Doctor to see and he "wants to" but he won't make the appointment. His daily routine is to work then come home (usually already drinking) then play with the kids, play xbox, (while continuing to drink) then eat and go to sleep.. That = "me time." He says he works all day, then the kids are all over him, then he just needs his me time to relax. Meanwhile, I have taken the 5yr old to school, took care of the toddlers all day, picked the 5yr old up from school, did homework, made dinner, gave bathes, and put them to sleep - all by myself. I am tired of being a primary parent to children that are not technically mine. I love being a step mommy, but hate that ALL the responsibility is thrown on me! He is stuck in this "routine" that it leaves no room for anyone else. I have brought this to his attention, countless amounts of times and he doesn't even try to work on it for an hour. I have talked, yelled, cried, ignored, try to accept, and wrote letters, all with fail. i even recommended couples therapy, but "he doesn't need therapy." He barely says anything back to me and it just seems like he could care less that I'm about to walk.
He has also set no boundaries for his ex (mother of the 3 youngest that I have all the time) and she calls constantly at all hours of the day AND NIGHT, and always says sly remarks and comments to him to arouse feelings of the past. She also tells me that he still loves her and will never turn his back on her and tries to degrade me. Umm HELLO! I am taking care of your children more than you are and I am a bad person and role model?? Anyway. I am so worn out and tired and he (nor she) seems to care or let up any bit. Also I shouldnt have to feel alone, when my husband is here. Am I wrong to feel that way??
I just found out I am 3wks pregnant by going to the ER on Christmas Eve with a sharp pain in my left side that lasted over 24 hours. (He didn't go with me, just in case anyone was wondering.) I had an inconclusive pregnancy test and had to go back and get more blood drawn (he didn't go to that either) and I am positive. Before getting pregnant, I told him we should stop trying because we had things to work on in our marriage before bringing a child into it. We had sex twice after that conversation and he "forgot" to pull out and now here I am, 3wks and confused.
I never thought I could have children so this is a blessing, but at the same time I really don't see us lasting much longer at the rate we are going.. I have told him many times what I want and need from him and he says there is nothing he can do differently to help me get back to where we were, and that if I was going to be in love with him, it would be natural and I would just BE in love with him. To me "I love you" are just words unless there are actions that prove otherwise.
Point of all this is I don't know if I should have this baby and bring it in to something that is already so broken, or if I should terminate the pregnancy and just walk away. I'm tired of being used and abused and unappreciated. I don't want to separate from the father of my child, and I sure as hell don't want to share my child with someone who will just pawn it off on whoever he is with!! I see how he is now with his kids and I don't want that for mine, if I am not here to care for it myself. I am so broken, because I have never ever believed in abortion, but I have never been in this circumstance where I am 99.9% sure my baby is already set up for a failed parenting situation. He will go for 50/50 and that is not something that I can in my heart of hearts allow. I don't trust him alone to be responsible for my child. He said if I can't see myself with him forever, that I should just abort, because he doesn't want another child that he doesn't' live with.. I know this is ultimately my decision and it is something I have to live with for the rest of my life, either way I choose, but any advice will be much appreciated. Thank you ahead of time.

And no, I am not just trying to throw away a life. I know the value. I just see what he, his exes, and his kids go through now and I don't want that for me or mostly my child. This has been consuming my life since I first heard there was a possibility I was pregnant. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to consider..


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Gerwaiian:

You DO have a big decision to make. I think you should talk to your family (would the be supportive of whatever decision you make? Will they understand WHY you don't want your child to spend 50% of his/her time with a father who palms them off on someone else? Will they understand how you feel since you thought you COULDN'T have a child?).

You should also talk to someone professional: spiritual advisor, your doctor, your GYN, a counselor. Someone who can help you assess the situation and make the BEST decision for YOU.

It sounds as though your H does NOT respect you at all. It also sounds like you are afraid to STAND UP TO HIM and tell him off (he sure as hell NEEDS it!)

You cannot 'blame' the entire pregnancy on him 'forgetting' to pull out. YOU should have known that *THAT* is NOT a reliable birth control method!

Go talk to someone within the next week (a couple of SOMEONES would be even better).

Good luck!


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

This is a tough situation for you, make sure you think about this before you can't turn back. The love you feel for your own child will AMAZE you. If you give up your maybe only chance to have this wonderful blessing, you might miss one of the best experiences of your life. 

You sound like you are done with your marriage. I wouldn't be happy either. Your H sounds pretty selfish, are you sure he would fight for 50/50 custody? If he continues to drink you could use that as a valid reason not to. The safety and welfare of children are #1 with the court. Get some legal advice asap.

Do you have family that would help you with the care of your child, sometimes kids plenty of love from one parent if they have loving Aunts and Uncles and the grandparents who love to spoil them.

You might even remarry at some point and find true happiness. You are still young and you can create any kind of life that you want. I wish you the best of luck and this would be a good time for prayers to help with your decision. I truly believe children are a gift from God. I have two and they have given me more joy than anything in my life!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ths is a tough one.

I think that the only chance you have is to file for divorce. When he realizes that you are serious about leaving he might listen to you and change. Otherwise just go through with the divorce. 

He and his ex have free baby sitting and he gets sex, childcare and a house keeper. Quite a deal for him. Not a good deal for you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your post begs so many questions...

How long were you involved with this little triangle? Like, how long were you dating/engaged before you got married, how long have you been married? Did you know he was an alcoholic before you married him? How did he and his ex handle the child care before the free babysitting service started? What did you do before you started babysitting for free? How long was he separated/divorced before you hooked up with him? Why weren't you responsible for the birth control, considering he's fathered 4 kids with 2 different women (soon to be 5 with 3 women...)?

I can't counsel you on keeping the baby, terminating it, or giving it up for adoption, but given the fact that he can't take care of his spawn now, I doubt he'll be banging down your door to take your child for his custody days, no matter what the agreement says. So I would make your decision based on you being a single mom with sole custody. Can you support a child by yourself? Do you have family that you can count on to help?

Most importantly, learn the warning signs about how you got into your current situation, and don't allow yourself to become a victim again. You're being used big time by an expert, and you'll continue to be used as long as you let yourself. Your husband is NOT a good man, he's NOT a good husband, and he's NOT a good father. Don't fall into the cycle with another one like him. Get counselling for yourself if you need it to learn what your role was, and how to avoid it next time.

Good luck! And I mean that with all sincerity!

C


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## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

I feel like I need to add one suggestion for you. The fact you were experiencing severe pain on your left side so early in the pregnancy may be something to watch out for. The egg can get fertilized in the fallopian tube and get stuck there instead of attaching on the uterus like it is supposed to. I had two friends experience this. Both of them ended up with their fallopian tubes rupturing and serious internal bleeding. I'm not trying to scare you but to be aware and cautious of you have any severe pain on the same side get to the doctor or ER quickly. I'm sure everything will be fine and wish you well. Take good care of yourself


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