# New mom....husband said he doesn't love me anymore



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

Well I'm brand new to this and a little disappointed that my life has come to the point where I'm looking for advice and support for my failing marriage. I can use any advice, thoughts, anything.

My husband turned 38yrs old in Oct and I'm turning 33yrs old next week. We've been together for 7yrs and marriage for little over 5yrs. We have a baby girl who is 7 months old. My husband grew up rough. He didn't know his father and his mom physically and emotionally abused him. He grew up with no money and in and out of foster homes. As an adult, he pulled himself up and went to college and became a functioning productive normal adult. I grew up in a normal household. My parents have been married for 40yrs and my family is close to each other. My husband kept avoiding having kids. He kept saying that we don't have enough money saved and he wants me to finish grad school first, etc. I asked him numerous times if those were the only reasons or if he just didn't want kids in general or wasn't ready to be a dad. He swore up and down that wasn't the case. We ended up getting pregnant and he seemed happy and excited. He talked about all the things he was going to do and how he would keep our daughter at home with him on his days off instead of daycare. After we had her...he didn't do anything. I mean nothing. He said he can't stand crying. He decided he wanted to take care of the house and I would do all of the care for the baby. Even now, she doesn't cry at all (or barely) and he still doesn't take care of her or keep her when he's home. I do everything. He just plays with her. 

The first weekend of Nov he went to Dallas with his brother to watch the Cowboys game. We talked while he was gone and everything seemed fine and normal. When he came home, he was quiet and stopped talking to me. I kept asking him what was going on but he kept saying "nothing". Then finally a week after he came home, he told me that he isn't "in love" with me anymore, he feels no passion or lust towards me and that he thinks he wants a divorce. We immediately started to go to counseling and still in it. I've read a book that says during times like this, give him space, don't pressure him, don't keep telling him you love him and try to get him to work on the marriage. Just give him some time to process his feelings. I've done that. He seems to be pulling further and further away from me. He barely talks to me anymore and when he does it's very cold. He says he loves me as a person and the mother of his child and cares for me, but he doesn't act like it at all. 

What the heck should I do?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Have you checked to see if there is another woman in your marriage? From what you described, that is certainly what it looks like. You need to investigate.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yep, he's got someone else. Try telling him to gtfo if he's not all in; I know it's counterintuitive but that actually increases your perceived value, while waiting for him and begging for his scraps makes you less appealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

No he isn't cheating. He tells me where he is going and with who he is going it and. For instance, he went to the local college basketball game the other night with his co-worker. I know his co-worker has season tickets and he was gone for the amount of time it would take to be gone. Our MC doesn't even think it's an affair. Most likely, it's from his upbringing. The first 6 months of our daughters life, I was caring for her 100% of the time, I was working full-time, and I was finishing grad school. I had no time left over for him....especially not sex. I always said no because I was so tired. I'm almost positive I caused this problem because I didn't have sex with him. After he told me that he didn't love me and attraction, etc he initiated sex with me one night. I did it with him. The next morning he said that he didn't know why he did it, he was confused, he won't do it again. The next night he tried again and I said no because of what he told me previously and it tore me upside to be intimate with him and then be rejected like that. After I turned him down, he moved out of our bedroom into another room.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Just my 50p worth.

Trust me Heartbroken......he's cheating. The sleeping with you and then regretting it is the biggest Red Flag you'll see.

VAR time and 180 immediately. Protect your child and your financial matters.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> No he isn't cheating. He tells me where he is going and with who he is going it and. For instance, he went to the local college basketball game the other night with his co-worker. I know his co-worker has season tickets and he was gone for the amount of time it would take to be gone. Our MC doesn't even think it's an affair. Most likely, it's from his upbringing. The first 6 months of our daughters life, I was caring for her 100% of the time, I was working full-time, and I was finishing grad school. I had no time left over for him....especially not sex. I always said no because I was so tired. I'm almost positive I caused this problem because I didn't have sex with him. After he told me that he didn't love me and attraction, etc he initiated sex with me one night. I did it with him. The next morning he said that he didn't know why he did it, he was confused, he won't do it again. The next night he tried again and I said no because of what he told me previously and it tore me upside to be intimate with him and then be rejected like that. After I turned him down, he moved out of our bedroom into another room.


I used to know where mine was all the time too - or at least I thought I did. He did a very good job of covering up until the very end. After he left and I distanced myself from the situation the red flags began to pop up more and more. I missed a lot.

Really look into things. Check credit card statements, get the var, see if there is a way for you to check cell phone records. If it turns out he's not then fine but if he is - you need to know.

In the meantime, begin to focus on yourself and that baby of yours. It's what's most important right now.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

what does VAR mean?


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> what does VAR mean?


Voice activated recorder. The device will start recording when it detects someone talking. I'm sorry this is happening. There is nothing worse than a spouse walking out on you. Like many have already said...he is more than likely cheating. He is following what it called the "cheaters script". Gather your evidence because it will help you in court.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I either don't believe it's cheating or I don't really want to think about it. I really don't feel like he's cheating. I guess time will tell.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Listen, the first time I came here, EVERYONE said my wife is cheating too. She was not. 

He may or may not be cheating; be aware of it and sensitive to the possibility, but do not start getting paranoid about it. It made me do some foolish things that I am not proud of. 

I cant tell you exactly what to do, but do not get obseessed with the cheating thing; look into it but if nothing is coming up and you cannot justify it, do not continue to think that is the issue. Truthfully, some people go through a mid life crisis without cheating. 

I would look into Divorce Busters or the 180 thing.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Mo42 said:


> Listen, the first time I came here, EVERYONE said my wife is cheating too. She was not.
> 
> He may or may not be cheating; be aware of it and sensitive to the possibility, but do not start getting paranoid about it. It made me do some foolish things that I am not proud of.
> 
> ...


Mo - I am experiencing what you did.  In my heart of hearts I didn't think he was cheating on me. Then after getting on here, I am now going crazy. Checking his phone, checking our bill, searching phone numbers, looking at his computer, etc. So far...nothing. I can't find anything and it's making me crazy because everyone is saying he's cheating on me. 

I'm actually reading the follow up book to Divorce Busters called "7 Steps to Save your Marriage". I'm trying to follow it to a tee. I just started reading it a few days ago. Thank you so so much Mo for your post.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yes, an affair certainly seems like a strong possibility here.

But it could just as easily not be. I wouldn't interpret his sleeping with you and then backtracking hard the next day as a sign of an affair, necessarily. If he is a relatively thoughtful guy, I could see it as just suddenly feeling guilty about maybe leading you on to think that maybe he has or will change his mind. By being rejected the following night, he probably felt that not sleeping together was the best course of action. I know for me when I am rejected, especially if it's been a problem for a while and a lot is on the line, I get so hurt/angry/frustrated that I can't even stand to be in the room with her, let alone in bed with her. I go sleep on the couch, happily.

With all of that said, take the advice you find here to heart. Consider the 180. There are lots of things you can do to improve your value to him and make yourself more desirable all on your own. Then however things play out, you'll be better off either way.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Yes, an affair certainly seems like a strong possibility here.
> 
> But it could just as easily not be. I wouldn't interpret his sleeping with you and then backtracking hard the next day as a sign of an affair, necessarily. If he is a relatively thoughtful guy, I could see it as just suddenly feeling guilty about maybe leading you on to think that maybe he has or will change his mind. By being rejected the following night, he probably felt that not sleeping together was the best course of action. I know for me when I am rejected, especially if it's been a problem for a while and a lot is on the line, I get so hurt/angry/frustrated that I can't even stand to be in the room with her, let alone in bed with her. I go sleep on the couch, happily.
> 
> ...


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well we are separating. I went to a MC apt on fri and he told me that he wanted to separate for sure and that he doesn't think he can learn to love me again or feel attraction towards me again. In the apt he said that he wasn't going to move out until our house sells because he can't afford to pay for 2 places and he wasn't going to dump maintaining the house on me by myself. Then yesterday he tells me that he's going to start looking for places and if someone comes up that is a good price then he's going to take it. I also found out that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring for about a week or 2. 

He actually brought up how we're going to split our 7-month old daughter. He had the nerve to ask for one week at a time! Really? One week? He hasn't spent more than probably 4hrs with her and he thinks he can handle one week? I obviously said no. So right now we negotiated one weekend day and one or two weekdays.

What am I going to do? She's my life. She's what keeps me going everyday. How can he take her away from me? Is she going to lose her bond with me? Is she going to forget me if she doesn't see me and smell me and hear me every day? Why is he doing this to us? I'm so angry.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well we are separating. I went to a MC apt on fri and he told me that he wanted to separate for sure and that he doesn't think he can learn to love me again or feel attraction towards me again. In the apt he said that he wasn't going to move out until our house sells because he can't afford to pay for 2 places and he wasn't going to dump maintaining the house on me by myself. Then yesterday he tells me that he's going to start looking for places and if someone comes up that is a good price then he's going to take it. I also found out that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring for about a week or 2.
> 
> He actually brought up how we're going to split our 7-month old daughter. He had the nerve to ask for one week at a time! Really? One week? He hasn't spent more than probably 4hrs with her and he thinks he can handle one week? I obviously said no. So right now we negotiated one weekend day and one or two weekdays.
> 
> What am I going to do? She's my life. She's what keeps me going everyday. How can he take her away from me? Is she going to lose her bond with me? Is she going to forget me if she doesn't see me and smell me and hear me every day? Why is he doing this to us? I'm so angry.


She won't forget you - ever. You are just reacting out of hurt. If anything, you should be pressing him for 50/50. Make him man up and be a proper Father. In the end, that is the best solution for all of you - especially your daughter. She needs both of you no matter how hurt/angry he makes you. Also, you don't see it now but you will one day be _happy_ to have the space to concentrate on yourself while she is with him. 

Now, if he ever shows that he is unfit - all of this goes out the window... but give him a chance to be a real Father on his own. You really don't want to have to compete with a once or twice a month 'Fun Dad' who bears none of the responsibility but can lavish her with gifts/attention then send her back to you for all of the everyday stuff. That causes resentment all around.


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear it. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, as I'm in a similar situation and still trying to figure it all out myself, and frankly making lots of mistakes along the way. If you are like me, you're experiencing a roller coaster of emotions. It's a very difficult place to be. 

When my wife stunned me by saying she wanted to separate, she left for the weekend, but then came back and stayed at our house for the following week. That was the hardest week of my life. After she nailed down a place to stay longer term and left the house... things got ever so slightly easier. At the time, I didn't want her to go, and I'm not saying it was easy, but the space allowed me to start processing things and begin to focus on myself and think in a more rational way. In your case, his leaving will make it a bit easier for you to focus on you and your daughter. I'm sorry to say, but it's a difficult journey. Lean on friends and family, if you can, but also don't hesitate to sign up for counseling/therapy. It can really help.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Honor - I know in the end I'll work with him and he'll get to see her and help raise her because it's the right thing to do. Right now, however I'm so damn mad. I mean...he's the one who decided to leave. He's the one who decided that he didn't want to work in MC and fight for us. He is the one that is doing this to us and now he gets to take her away from me? That's not fair. She's my life. She's my everything. I've raised her this long...I've done everything and now all of the sudden he thinks he can take her for 24hrs at a time? It's not fair.

Evolver - I keep telling myself that things will get easier when he's not around but I don't see it. I think it's going to be incredibly lonely...especially on the nights that he takes my daughter. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to IC....starting today actually. Since my husband doesn't want to do MC anymore, she wants to see me for IC and him for IC. I hope you're right.....things will get easier.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Honor - I know in the end I'll work with him and he'll get to see her and help raise her because it's the right thing to do. Right now, however I'm so damn mad. I mean...he's the one who decided to leave. He's the one who decided that he didn't want to work in MC and fight for us. He is the one that is doing this to us and now he gets to take her away from me? That's not fair. She's my life. She's my everything. I've raised her this long...I've done everything and now all of the sudden he thinks he can take her for 24hrs at a time? It's not fair.
> 
> Evolver - I keep telling myself that things will get easier when he's not around but I don't see it. I think it's going to be incredibly lonely...especially on the nights that he takes my daughter. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going to IC....starting today actually. Since my husband doesn't want to do MC anymore, she wants to see me for IC and him for IC. I hope you're right.....things will get easier.


I understand. The hurt makes us want to lash out in anger. Try to avoid doing that with him... it just lets him know he has power over you. It's not easy (I've lashed out several times too), but you will be glad if all you show him is a calm, cool exterior. 

Conrad has a saying about staying at 50,000 feet and watching yourself and your surroundings from that vantage point. If you can accomplish that, it will let you stay detached enough to operate logically instead of emotionally while dealing with the moment. That doesn't mean keeping everything bottled up, but it means understanding, and separating, emotions and logic.

Try your best to stay active and concentrate on yourself and your daughter. It will help you not to dwell on what an a$s he is. Also, keep letting things out here. We've all gone through very similar situations and are here to listen and help. I've found just getting things out helps tremendously.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Honor - thank you. I will try my hardest to take your advice. I actually e-mailed him a while ago asking him if he wouldn't mind if my daughter and I go to my relatives' house overnight for xmas eve and then come home on xmas morning. We both just talked about how we both want to spend xmas with our daughter, even if that means we'll do it together in our house. He told me that he is 100% ok with that. In turn, I thanked him for being flexible and also told him he could invite his brothers over for xmas day. 

Today is my first IC....healing begins today!


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well I think I've come to the realization and decision that I will be divorcing my husband. He is just not the man I thought he was. I'm now questioning our entire marriage myself and if it was all just a great big lie. This past Fri night he didn't come home until after 2am. Then on Sat (my bday) he was out all day and didn't come home until 11am on Sun. I know what he was doing. He watched a college game with friends during the day and then went to his work xmas party in the evening and partied after that. I knew he was going to be out but instead of staying at home with my daughter alone, I went to my relatives house for the day. Even though he told me he'd probably stay the night at a hotel or something on Sat night, a part of me was hoping that he knew that was wrong and would come home....but he didn't. I don't have any proof but I'm sure he's cheating. I mean come on....he isn't getting it from me since 2nd week of Nov and he says he's not attracted to me and he wants passion and lust. He has to be getting something from someone else. Has to be.

I'm friends with his ex-wife. She knows what's going on. She's married with 2 kids now. My daughter and I went to her house for dinner the other night. The ex told me that my husband did this to her 3 times while they were together. 3 times! I asked her if he cheated on her and she wouldn't answer. She basically avoided that question. I even told her that with her not answering it I was going to take it as a yes...he cheated on her. She didn't say a word. This is relevant because a couple weeks back I asked my H why he fought for his marriage with the ex but not with me. He told me that he thought the marriage with the ex was reconcilable but with me he didn't think it was. Well the ex told me that the reason he fought for his marriage with her was because he did something to her and it was his fault so he was fighting to save it so it wouldn't be because of him. Well now I know what he did...he cheated on her.

So basically, this is a pattern with my H. I guess every so many years he feels like he needs to be a bachelor and says he wants to separate. Then he gets his fun in for however long and than wants to come back. Well he doesn't realize it now but he pulling that s**t on the wrong girl because I am not going to take him back. I'm done! I don't deserve this. I have been through so much in my life (fought medical challenges when I was younger and survived when I should've died) I have two bachelors degrees, a masters degree, a good job, a good family and a great mom. He should be counting his lucky stars he was able to get a girl like me and if he's dumb a** enough to through it away then do it. I don't care. I will move on and find a man that will treat me and my daughter the way we're supposed to be treated. I'm only 33yrs old....I still have time to start another life and live a long and happy marriage with someone else!


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well I think I've come to the realization and decision that I will be divorcing my husband. He is just not the man I thought he was. I'm now questioning our entire marriage myself and if it was all just a great big lie. This past Fri night he didn't come home until after 2am. Then on Sat (my bday) he was out all day and didn't come home until 11am on Sun. I know what he was doing. He watched a college game with friends during the day and then went to his work xmas party in the evening and partied after that. I knew he was going to be out but instead of staying at home with my daughter alone, I went to my relatives house for the day. Even though he told me he'd probably stay the night at a hotel or something on Sat night, a part of me was hoping that he knew that was wrong and would come home....but he didn't. I don't have any proof but I'm sure he's cheating. I mean come on....he isn't getting it from me since 2nd week of Nov and he says he's not attracted to me and he wants passion and lust. He has to be getting something from someone else. Has to be.
> 
> I'm friends with his ex-wife. She knows what's going on. She's married with 2 kids now. My daughter and I went to her house for dinner the other night. The ex told me that my husband did this to her 3 times while they were together. 3 times! I asked her if he cheated on her and she wouldn't answer. She basically avoided that question. I even told her that with her not answering it I was going to take it as a yes...he cheated on her. She didn't say a word. This is relevant because a couple weeks back I asked my H why he fought for his marriage with the ex but not with me. He told me that he thought the marriage with the ex was reconcilable but with me he didn't think it was. Well the ex told me that the reason he fought for his marriage with her was because he did something to her and it was his fault so he was fighting to save it so it wouldn't be because of him. Well now I know what he did...he cheated on her.
> 
> So basically, this is a pattern with my H. I guess every so many years he feels like he needs to be a bachelor and says he wants to separate. Then he gets his fun in for however long and than wants to come back. Well he doesn't realize it now but he pulling that s**t on the wrong girl because I am not going to take him back. I'm done! I don't deserve this. I have been through so much in my life (fought medical challenges when I was younger and survived when I should've died) I have two bachelors degrees, a masters degree, a good job, a good family and a great mom. He should be counting his lucky stars he was able to get a girl like me and if he's dumb a** enough to through it away then do it. I don't care. I will move on and find a man that will treat me and my daughter the way we're supposed to be treated. I'm only 33yrs old....I still have time to start another life and live a long and happy marriage with someone else!


Sounds like you've come to an important realization...

... you are much better off without someone so willing - and able - to hurt you.

Remember that resolution in the days ahead. Work on you and taking care of your child. Put the past - and him - where they belong...behind you.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well I think I've come to the realization and decision that I will be divorcing my husband. He is just not the man I thought he was. I'm now questioning our entire marriage myself and if it was all just a great big lie. This past Fri night he didn't come home until after 2am. Then on Sat (my bday) he was out all day and didn't come home until 11am on Sun. I know what he was doing. He watched a college game with friends during the day and then went to his work xmas party in the evening and partied after that. I knew he was going to be out but instead of staying at home with my daughter alone, I went to my relatives house for the day. Even though he told me he'd probably stay the night at a hotel or something on Sat night, a part of me was hoping that he knew that was wrong and would come home....but he didn't. I don't have any proof but I'm sure he's cheating. I mean come on....he isn't getting it from me since 2nd week of Nov and he says he's not attracted to me and he wants passion and lust. He has to be getting something from someone else. Has to be.
> 
> I'm friends with his ex-wife. She knows what's going on. She's married with 2 kids now. My daughter and I went to her house for dinner the other night. The ex told me that my husband did this to her 3 times while they were together. 3 times! I asked her if he cheated on her and she wouldn't answer. She basically avoided that question. I even told her that with her not answering it I was going to take it as a yes...he cheated on her. She didn't say a word. This is relevant because a couple weeks back I asked my H why he fought for his marriage with the ex but not with me. He told me that he thought the marriage with the ex was reconcilable but with me he didn't think it was. Well the ex told me that the reason he fought for his marriage with her was because he did something to her and it was his fault so he was fighting to save it so it wouldn't be because of him. Well now I know what he did...he cheated on her.
> 
> So basically, this is a pattern with my H. I guess every so many years he feels like he needs to be a bachelor and says he wants to separate. Then he gets his fun in for however long and than wants to come back. Well he doesn't realize it now but he pulling that s**t on the wrong girl because I am not going to take him back. I'm done! I don't deserve this. I have been through so much in my life (fought medical challenges when I was younger and survived when I should've died) I have two bachelors degrees, a masters degree, a good job, a good family and a great mom. He should be counting his lucky stars he was able to get a girl like me and if he's dumb a** enough to through it away then do it. * I don't care. I will move on and find a man that will treat me and my daughter the way we're supposed to be treated. I'm only 33yrs old....I still have time to start another life and live a long and happy marriage with someone else!*



Thats the attitude. You work full time, went to school to better yourself, pretty much take care of your daughter 24/7 while he tries to be a bachelor again. F' him. He has issues from his past which you cant fix. You are a great catch and will find happiness for sure. Let him go. Once you do he will probably realize what a mistake he made and want you again. Don't look back you are going to be fine. Next time be very particular about the man you are with - you do not need to settle for this.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

JohnC_depressed said:


> Thats the attitude. You work full time, went to school to better yourself, pretty much take care of your daughter 24/7 while he tries to be a bachelor again. F' him. He has issues from his past which you cant fix. You are a great catch and will find happiness for sure. Let him go. Once you do he will probably realize what a mistake he made and want you again. Don't look back you are going to be fine. Next time be very particular about the man you are with - you do not need to settle for this.


Thank you so much and thank you for the boost of confidence. Today I will be telling him in counseling that he may think he settled when he marriage me but that I realize now that I settled as well. In talking to our therapist during an individual session, I came to that realization that I settled when I married him. There were so many red flags that should've made me run the other direction, but I didn't because he was the only guy who wanted to marry me and pursued me. I had low self-esteem at the time and just wanted someone to love me....so I married him. My therapist also had me write a pro and con list about him as well and the therapist wants me to tell my H about his con list. The therapist thinks that my H has his heads up in the cloud and have unrealistic thoughts about marriage and how good of a catch he is and needs his bubble to be burst. So I will be doing that today. I'm scared and nervous about how that's going to go over.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I am so confused now! In our last MC session, the counselor told us that we need to decide if we want to continue with MC and try to fix our marriage or just quit. She said he needs to know how to help us....what direction she needs to go in therapy. This is all because my H is so up and down and is confused....openly even says he's confused. We're about to put out house up on the market and separate once it's sold. Right now we're living in the same house. He said in that MC session that he wants us to be amicable and be able to be around each other without it being weird and what not. But in doing that, he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression or him lead me on to think that his feelings have changed.

So since that session (which was last Thurs) things have changed. He's been nicer to me, talking more. On Sat night he wanted to watch a movie and picked out a movie that he knew I wanted to watch when it was out in the theater. Then yesterday he ran some errands for us, bought a couple toys for our daughter's stocking, picked up a new small xmas tree, dinner. He came home and we ate dinner and watched a movie. It was a little like it used to be. Tonight, we're taking our daughter on a hayride to see the Christmas lights.....together.

I know he told me not to think anything about it and not to think that he's changing but it's hard. I miss him....I miss our friendship. I know we live in the same house, but it's not the same and that's why I miss him. This weekend, however, was nice for me. Also, since he told me he wanted to separate, he was going out with his brother and friends about 2-3 times a week. It's now been little over a week and he hasn't gone out once. Not one single time.

I wrote him an e-mail on Fri (day after our MC session) and told him that I have decided that I am willing to work on our marriage if he wants to work on it. I have made that decision for myself and he can make whatever decision he feels is best for him. I came to that resolution because I do love him. I know everyone is telling me to leave him and don't turn back and take my daughter away from him, etc. but I don't think I can do that. If I can make things work....I think I want to.

How do I handle this new relationship of being amicable and attempting friendship with him until we can physically separate? Do you think there is hope? Maybe being friends can show him how much fun we have together and he'll remember what he has with me?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I have two bachelors degrees, a masters degree, a good job, a good family and a great mom. He should be counting his lucky stars he was able to get a girl like me and if he's dumb a** enough to through it away then do it. I don't care. I will move on and find a man that will treat me and my daughter the way we're supposed to be treated. I'm only 33yrs old....I still have time to start another life and live a long and happy marriage with someone else!


You sound wonderful to me! I'd marry you and I don't even know you. Forget about him. Just don't become bitter and angry.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I am so confused now! In our last MC session, the counselor told us that we need to decide if we want to continue with MC and try to fix our marriage or just quit. She said he needs to know how to help us....what direction she needs to go in therapy. This is all because my H is so up and down and is confused....openly even says he's confused. We're about to put out house up on the market and separate once it's sold. Right now we're living in the same house. He said in that MC session that he wants us to be amicable and be able to be around each other without it being weird and what not. But in doing that, he doesn't want me to get the wrong impression or him lead me on to think that his feelings have changed.
> 
> So since that session (which was last Thurs) things have changed. He's been nicer to me, talking more. On Sat night he wanted to watch a movie and picked out a movie that he knew I wanted to watch when it was out in the theater. Then yesterday he ran some errands for us, bought a couple toys for our daughter's stocking, picked up a new small xmas tree, dinner. He came home and we ate dinner and watched a movie. It was a little like it used to be. Tonight, we're taking our daughter on a hayride to see the Christmas lights.....together.
> 
> ...


I'm afraid you are going to get your heart broken again Listen to what he has been saying to you and do not try and interpret a couple of nice things he has done recently as meaning something other than that. He has been clear. He does not love you and wants to seperate. He even said as much to the MC. He told you not to get your hopes up for some miracle. Take him at his word. 

I feel the pain in your writing, but from what you have shared he has some emotional issues that he needs to get squared away and you can't solve them. Perhaps he really wants to be involved in his childs life and is trying to send you that message. Kudos to him for that, but don't set your self up for a painful fall. Wow he has not gone out and stayed out all night for a whole week?!! Big deal, a married man with a toddler should not be doing that at all - period!!

I would hate to see you get hurt again. BTW happy new yoear to you and your daughter. 

Regards JC


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> You sound wonderful to me! I'd marry you and I don't even know you. Forget about him. Just don't become bitter and angry.


lol...thank you! I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust another man again. I mean, how do you trust another man again after the things that he has said to me. He told me that he's not attracted to me and never has been since day one and that sex was just a physical act with no emotion behind it....men don't need to be attracted to someone to have sex with them. How do I move on from that with someone else if we end up divorced? The same thing with "not in love with you anymore"? How do you trust someone else after that?


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

JohnC_depressed said:


> I'm afraid you are going to get your heart broken again Listen to what he has been saying to you and do not try and interpret a couple of nice things he has done recently as meaning something other than that. He has been clear. He does not love you and wants to seperate. He even said as much to the MC. He told you not to get your hopes up for some miracle. Take him at his word.
> 
> I feel the pain in your writing, but from what you have shared he has some emotional issues that he needs to get squared away and you can't solve them. Perhaps he really wants to be involved in his childs life and is trying to send you that message. Kudos to him for that, but don't set your self up for a painful fall. Wow he has not gone out and stayed out all night for a whole week?!! Big deal, a married man with a toddler should not be doing that at all - period!!
> 
> ...



JC - I know you're right. I'm still going out with my friends and doing things on my own like I should be with the 180 but it's getting hard. I think I need to have a good balance of spending time with him and not spending time with him. I need to listen to him with his warning. I need to listen!

Happy New Year to you as well!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> lol...thank you! I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust another man again. I mean, how do you trust another man again after the things that he has said to me. He told me that he's not attracted to me and never has been since day one and that sex was just a physical act with no emotion behind it....men don't need to be attracted to someone to have sex with them. How do I move on from that with someone else if we end up divorced? The same thing with "not in love with you anymore"? How do you trust someone else after that?


Do you really love yourself so little that the opinion of one person is able to crush you like a bug?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> lol...thank you! I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust another man again. I mean, how do you trust another man again after the things that he has said to me. He told me that he's not attracted to me and never has been since day one and that sex was just a physical act with no emotion behind it....men don't need to be attracted to someone to have sex with them. How do I move on from that with someone else if we end up divorced? The same thing with "not in love with you anymore"? How do you trust someone else after that?


I hear you. It's rejection. I've been rejected too. I guess it's how we handle it. We can't make our spouses love us just as we are, but because they can't is not our problem, its theirs. 

Once I asked her why did she divorce her second husband. She told me he was angry, controlling, and trying to run her life. 11 years later when she dumped me, she said I was all of those things as well. I guess all 3 of her husbands have been wrong.

Fog is slowly lifting. I'm seeing how I've been conditioned to blame myself for her unhappiness. Gaslighting. Cake eating. Her disordered defense mechanisms. Lack of communication. Unable to grasp that a rejection of her behaviors is not a rejection of her or the marriage. Not her. She self rejects to avoid ownership of her stuff. 

IDK if this helps, but I'm slowly realizing that my happiness is more important than the relationship. I calmly, maturely, intelligently expressed concerns with her, together with MC and pastor. She refused to put the work in. 

This too shall pass.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why she divorced her second husband?

You'd be better off asking him if you want the truth.

She isn't going to tell it to you.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Do you really love yourself so little that the opinion of one person is able to crush you like a bug?


No I don't feel that little about myself but my feelings right now are legitimate. I'm not sure why you're on this site, what your story is, what part of healing you're in, but for me....right now, this is how I'm feeling.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> I hear you. It's rejection. I've been rejected too. I guess it's how we handle it. We can't make our spouses love us just as we are, but because they can't is not our problem, its theirs.


I know I can't make my H love me just the way I am and it's his problem but it still stings. I trusted him, felt safe with him and now I'm blindsided. I guess that's life and I just need to buck up and be a big girl and continue IC and get myself to a healthy emotional state.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> No I don't feel that little about myself but my feelings right now are legitimate. I'm not sure why you're on this site, what your story is, what part of healing you're in, but for me....right now, this is how I'm feeling.


I didn't say your feelings weren't real.


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