# Suspecting infidelity



## Carnut (Apr 26, 2014)

My wife of eight years recently told me I don't take care of her... Prior to that she has been saying we should just be roomates, she wants an open relationship, She can find me a Girl friend, etc....Getting to the root of the problem is going to be tough.. She has a job and saves all her money while I pay all the bills aside from her car and her phone which she just got maybe a month ago. Since sh egot this new phone it seems she is on it all the time, texting, etc. I walked in on her texting someone and she quickly turned the phone off.. once she got a text and immediatley went to use the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she told me she has to work.. Yet, she has to work today and went out last night... I took at look at the history in our daughter's laptop and found that my wife had been searching hotels/motels in our area...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Give her part of what she wants for now.
A room mate pays half of everything.
Tell her to start doing so.

Do not confront her with any of the red flags you've found for infidelity.

Buy a voice activated recorder and some heavy duty Velcro.
Velcro the recorder securely under her car seat.

Cheaters often communicate with their lovers while in their car.
It makes them feel secure about it.

Do that and you'll have all the info you need within a week.

Often these recordings are difficult to hear due to engine noise.
There are people here who can point you to free software to clean it up or may even help you clean it up themselves.

What is the model of phone she has?

There are smartphones that auto back up to computers and/or the cloud.
There are people here who can show you how to access these back ups if her phone has this capability.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Carnut said:


> My wife of eight years recently told me I don't take care of her... Prior to that she has been saying we should just be roomates, she wants an open relationship, She can find me a Girl friend, etc....Getting to the root of the problem is going to be tough.. She has a job and saves all her money while I pay all the bills aside from her car and her phone which she just got maybe a month ago. Since sh egot this new phone it seems she is on it all the time, texting, etc. I walked in on her texting someone and she quickly turned the phone off.. once she got a text and immediatley went to use the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she told me she has to work.. Yet, she has to work today and went out last night... I took at look at the history in our daughter's laptop and found that my wife had been searching hotels/motels in our area...


You have a lot of red flags; you may want to move this thread into the infidelity forum.

In the meantime, consider getting a voice activated recorder (VAR) for her car.

C


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Carnut said:


> My wife of eight years recently told me I don't take care of her... Prior to that she has been saying we should just be roomates, she wants an open relationship, She can find me a Girl friend, etc....Getting to the root of the problem is going to be tough.. She has a job and saves all her money while I pay all the bills aside from her car and her phone which she just got maybe a month ago. Since sh egot this new phone it seems she is on it all the time, texting, etc. I walked in on her texting someone and she quickly turned the phone off.. once she got a text and immediatley went to use the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she told me she has to work.. Yet, she has to work today and went out last night... I took at look at the history in our daughter's laptop and found that my wife had been searching hotels/motels in our area...


And why would you want to stay with a woman who obviously doesn't respect you?

She isn't transparent.
She doesn't contribute financially.
She want's you to be room mates.
She's not having sex with you.
She wants an open marriage.
She even "offered" to get another woman for you. 

Based on what you posted above , at this point ,whether or not she's having an affair seems academic imo.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry, Carnut, but it's rather obvious that the "red flags" of deception are definitely fluttering away in the breeze. Seems as if you have been her "Plan B" for some time. Now that she's spread her wings (probably as well as other appendages) and has largely become non-affectionate at home, and rather quasi-secretive; yeah, I'd be forced to say that she is fastly attempting to scale "Plan A."

Do "the 180," get a keylogger for the computer, and a VAR for underneath her car seat. You'll then find out more than you'd ever want to know!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here but you've come to the right place!*


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> And why would you want to stay with a woman who obviously doesn't respect you?
> 
> She isn't transparent.
> She doesn't contribute financially.
> ...


Aside from the financial situation(which is quite common in many relationships) all these problems could be a direct result of he affair.

Destroy the affair and these,problems may go away.
They will be replaced by new ones but that bridge can be crossed later.


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## Carnut (Apr 26, 2014)

tacoma said:


> What is the model of phone she has?
> 
> There are smartphones that auto back up to computers and/or the cloud.
> There are people here who can show you how to access these back ups if her phone has this capability.


Se has an Iphone. But I don't have acess to her account. I tried to check her email but could not use the password, so obviuosly she changed it at some point.


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## Carnut (Apr 26, 2014)

So a VAR, and I assume a keylogger is a program you install on the hard drive?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Aside from the financial situation(which is quite common in many relationships) all these problems could be a direct result of he affair.
> 
> Destroy the affair and these,problems *may* go away.
> They will be replaced by new ones but that bridge can be crossed later.


I agree.

But is this marriage really salvageable after accepting that amount of disrespect?
I doubt this happened overnight.
I don't know.

We all have our boundaries, and strong personal boundaries are important if one is a victim in an abusive relationship.

If they have no kids together, I think it's best he just cut hiss losses and divorce.

Clearly, he needs to work on himself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I agree.
> 
> But is this marriage really salvageable after accepting that amount of disrespect?
> 
> ...


The internet history was seen on his daughter's computer, so...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> *Destroy the affair and these, problems may go away.
> They will be replaced by new ones but that bridge can be crossed later.*


*But is that a bridge that is really worth crossing?*


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *But is that a bridge that is really worth crossing?*


That's up to the BS.

He seems to want to cross it now, he's entirely within his rights to change his mind once he actually gets to it as well.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Someone re post my standard post. It has all he needs. M at work.

Original poster. Message a moderator to move this to coping with infidelity.

Best course at this time is play captain clueless while you look around.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Carnut said:


> My wife of eight years recently told me I don't take care of her...


You don't get her off during sex?



Carnut said:


> Prior to that she has been saying we should just be roomates, she wants an open relationship, She can find me a Girl friend, etc....


Those three statements mean she's screwing other guys. She started maybe a year or so before she first mentioned that crap. She also has zero sexual attraction for you, since she as much as said you can't get laid on your own. ergo: you are sexually repellant to her.

When was the last time a woman or girl approached you for a date or NSA sex?



Carnut said:


> Getting to the root of the problem is going to be tough.. She has a job and saves all her money while I pay all the bills aside from her car and her phone which she just got maybe a month ago.


the root of the problem is the strange roots she's been sucking, etc.



Carnut said:


> Since sh egot this new phone it seems she is on it all the time, texting, etc.


that's why she got the new phone. It's a great way to meet men and have an affair.



Carnut said:


> I walked in on her texting someone and she quickly turned the phone off.. once she got a text and immediatley went to use the bathroom. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she told me she has to work.. Yet, she has to work today and went out last night... I took at look at the history in our daughter's laptop and found that my wife had been searching hotels/motels in our area...


Do you have any reason to believe that you are the biological father of her daughter?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Carnut said:


> So a VAR, and I assume a keylogger is a program you install on the hard drive?


Yes a VAR in her car and a key logger would be nice.

Anyone have a link to that software to clean up a VAR recording?


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## Carnut (Apr 26, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> You don't get her off during sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know I am the biological father... This whole fiasco does not go back that far


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Don't jump to any conclusions, it is fine to be suspicious as I see your point. My suggestion is to sit with her, tell her kindly and lovingly what you have noticed and ask what it is all about. If she claims there is no affair ask to see her phone. If she is not interested in someone else she should be willing to let you see her phone. If the conversation gets heated or if she gets upset or tries to turn this to you with blame then I think that could be a sign of guilt on her part. There is no sense in living like this, speak to her.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> Don't jump to any conclusions, it is fine to be suspicious as I see your point. My suggestion is to sit with her, tell her kindly and lovingly what you have noticed and ask what it is all about. If she claims there is no affair ask to see her phone. If she is not interested in someone else she should be willing to let you see her phone. If the conversation gets heated or if she gets upset or tries to turn this to you with blame then I think that could be a sign of guilt on her part. There is no sense in living like this, speak to her.


i would VAR the car first. randomly asking someone who IS in affair to see their phone will tip them off that you are suspicious. 

unless you can be crafty about it... like "honey, i cant find my phone, mind if i use yours for a minute?"

then walk off and check text messages. just be sure to YOUR phone off so that it doesnt ring in case she tries to call it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*And whatever it is that you, please do not just "build your case" on only one piece of "damning" information. Stay coy, stay silent, and much like a skilled investigator or a prosecutor, assemble as much useful information as you can, then build your case from that.

Then once you have assembled it all and are satisfied that it is as incontrovertible as possible, then you move toward a full and as a dramatic presentation/disclosure to them as you may see fit! 

A cheater does not like to literally be caught with their pants down! Pulling the wool down over the BS's eyes is greatly their order of the day!*


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

My standard post. Like we said. Get your ducks in a row and play dumb husband. Early half azzed confronts are DISASTERS! IF she asks why you are acting strange tell her you are sick.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.


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