# Engaged sexless and confused



## wittmann (Jan 10, 2013)

HI everyone . 

I really could use some advise it would mean the world to me.

I've have been close friends with my fiance for 4 years, we have only dated for 1. I'm going to buy her an engagement ring for valentines she asked me to marry her and I said yes. What I am worried about is.....

I love her to death I am very respectful towards her I treat her like a gold. She was Sexually abused when she was 15 I am older I'm 28 shes 20. Age isn't a number to us as we are close.

She is open and honest with me we talk never fight we are a lot alike in many ways she is very mature for her age. What I am wondering is....

She said on the phone she had sex once when she was 18 with a guy she knew for 4 months (I knew her for 4 years close) she accidently said that on the phone to me and went silent....That really hurts me a lot and makes me feel like chop liver...you know..

When I see her and we go out theres little to no affection, it seems we have to be in public or at her mom and dads......

I have talked to her about the situation she said I need to be patent I have. I do not bring it up or push her into anything I really do love her I am terrified of buying the ring and end up sexless and affection less.....it makes me feel worthless :/

She tells me about 10-20 times a day she loves me she is so sweet..she writes me love letters, she is everything I always wanted except for the barely any affection. 

It feels like I am friend zoned...or so they say at the Strip bars she insisted to going to.......she was more open with the female strippers (She did do toonie dives ) Than she ever has been with me...I'm getting confused.

SOme people I do know think shes a lesbian and doesn't know It I confronted her nicely and had a serious talk about it she said no....she has had sexual experience with girls in her teens.

She knows I used to be a wild guy before we started dating ( I was very sexually active ... I stopped cold turkey for her cause I love her.

She says the most sweetest things to me all the time  It's just now......

I don't know if I want to marry her or not now I'm scared she wont change...or perhaps she will know I'm commited? I really do love her beyond words....


I'm becoming very depressed about this everyday is it normal ? am I pig? Will she never fully open up to me ? She wont even let me touch her below but she rips my pants open? 

Is she a lesbian and doesn't know it ? I am sorry in advance if I made myself sound like a pig.....I'm really starting to become depressed and unhappy...i love her so much I'm just worried there will never be affection or worse.....Thank you all in advance


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

First of all you need to put away the ring and wait if you have any doubts. That little voice going off in your head is the voice of reason. It should be listened to. Marriage is nothing to rush into especially with doubts.

Second, dont go into marriage or any other relationship with the premise....."I can change them" or "they will change for me". Most likely they wont. Accept them for who they are or dont go through with the marriage.

Third, you are equating a sexual experience at "18" with her not being affectionate or intimate with you. That one experience does not mean she is going to be full time affectionate or intimate with anyone. It just means she had one sexual experience.

Fourth, you are not a "pig" for seeking advice about someone you care about. But strip joints with your possible fiance are not a constructive practice for a couple looking for a happy healthy future.....but thats just my opinion.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

wittmann said:


> She tells me about 10-20 times a day she loves me she is so sweet..she writes me love letters, she is everything I always wanted except for the barely any affection.



My friend, LOVE is shown in action not words, words without action mean nothing.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

A++ said:


> My friend, LOVE is shown in action not words, words without action mean nothing.


But that does not mean that she doesnt actually love him. Sometimes people just dont show affection well, especially in public. It does not mean, however, they love their partner any less. Wittman needs to understand that she may never show much affection to him or anyone else, regardless how much she loves. It may just be in her DNA.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*If you are not happy now , you need to slow down and rethink this relationship. You can't change a person just because you marry them. Your lady enjoys playing around with women ( redflag). You are in a sexless relationship which sounds more like the friend zone. Do you really need to be in a sexless marriage ? Don't run out and buy an engagement ring for your buddy/pal. JMO you need to find a women that can express love for you in everyway.*


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

A++ said:


> My friend, LOVE is shown in action not words, words without action mean nothing.



:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is a "toonie dive"?

I just want to clarify, she had women sit on her lap and do a lap dance?

The two of you need to have a serious talk about sex and affection before there is any engagement.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If she has been abused or raped certain sex acts can be very triggering. I remember bursting into tears when my ex did the wrong thing. It took me years to become comfortable enough to do some things.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

Almost everything you said is a red flag. Don't do this. If you think that things can change, then wait until they change to get married.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think if you marry as things are you will be miserable.

You need to have an open and honest discussion about, she and affection, what you need from her, why she apparently can't show/give it to you.

If it is because of the abuse, then she needs serious counseling, and needs to find out of she can move forward into a loving healthy sexual relationship.

If she cannot do this then you need to move on and not marry her, other wise you will be back here posting about how you are trapped in a marriage with a few kids and can't leave, but you are sad and the marriage is sexless.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

Getting engaged without being girlfriend/ boyfriend before? without having slept together before? She is too young for engagement and marriage IMO. Why not just be her boyfriend for now and see how it goes for a couple of years?


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## wittmann (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you very much everyone for your respectful replies it means a lot to me. A toonie dive is when a girl goes on stage with $5 and the female stripper sucks on her you know...lap dance is the same pretty much... I talked to her tonight and found out more....more or less more red flags

I really do love her and I would love to wait and see if things change, but it seems as if shes only likes girls. 

Another thing I also did forget to mention is, she is a flatout tomboy ( I have no problem with it) I have two lesbian friends irl and shes really into almost everything guys are into like my lesbian friends. Football, Dressing like a boy ,Shes very attached to her father. She also used to wrestle guys, shes into off road guy like stuff. This just helps to ad to the confusion ....So many signs really do point to her being a ........ I'm trying not to loose all faith I love her so much.

I knew she had fun with girls before but on the phone tonight, she admitted to being in a year long relationship with a girl she knows. She told me she liked to Give not receive... So she was Sexually active with her.

She told me she still has feelings for her and that she still finds women sexually attractive...........She dated her 2 years ago.

When I asked her if she likes to lick you know what still she said she thinks its gross now ...well how can she still have feelings for that girl or be sexually attracted to women? 

I'm not buying the engagement ring........ IS she still a lesbian and does not realize it ? Or she just will not admit it ? It makes me wonder... I will keep everyone posted on what happens

THank you all very much for helping me it means a lot


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You posted this:



> I love her to death I am very respectful towards her I treat her like a gold. She was Sexually abused when she was 15 I am older I'm 28 shes 20. Age isn't a number to us as we are close.


and 



> I knew she had fun with girls before but on the phone tonight, she admitted to being in a year long relationship with a girl she knows. She told me she liked to Give not receive... So she was Sexually active with her.
> 
> She told me she still has feelings for her and that she still finds women sexually attractive...........She dated her 2 years ago.


So you have a fiance who was sexually abused and still has feelings for another woman. And by the way she shows you no affection and you have not had sex with her despite dating for a year and being engaged (and no religious reasons for waiting).

Sorry, but there are far too many issues here. Run and find someone who can love you and show it. This is a recipe for disaster for both of you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When someone shows you who they are, you should take notice.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

>She said on the phone she had sex once when she was 18 with a guy she knew for 4 months (I knew her for 5 years close) she accidently said that on the phone to me and went silent....That really hurts me a lot and makes me feel like chop liver...you know..<

She slept with some guy while you were exclusive or you just knew her?

Bluntly, she sounds lesbian or bi. Be prepared to share her which means an "open relationship" or being cuckolded. The probability of success of that is ~5%.

You can't be cured of being gay. Think of it like being right or left handed or ambidextrous. You can be 10% gay and 90% straight and never touch another person of the same sex. A 50/50 person will have a very hard time of it. Your girlfriend sounds about 70% lesbian. I am guessing you do the one thing a bi female friend told me long ago another woman could never do even for most non-bi lesbians... hold her in his arms and make her feel a special kind of "safe and protected" I am guessing that is your role. Sorry

Oh and she is wayyyy too young for marriage. Probably needs about 100 years of therapy too. Honestly 95% chance you are wasting your time. My advice is move on. I know you won't but I call em as I see em.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Wow, why are you even comtemplating marriage with her? :scratchhead:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh dear. Yeah...dont marry this girl.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

wittmann said:


> Strip bars she insisted to going to.......she was more open with the female strippers (She did toonie dives and lap dances) Than she ever has been with me...I'm getting confused.


Sorry bro. She's gay. You might be a great guy and her closest friend, but it sounds like she isn't sexually attracted to you. She might just be dating you to cover the fact that she's gay.

I know a couple in a situation like yours, but they get over that problem by keeping the relationship open. Both are allowed to see other women. The cool thing is that she doesn't look like a stereotype lesbian at all. She's very girly and artistic.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Time to wake up brother. Most 20 year old girls haven't even begun to figure out who they are and what they want and this one has more then the typical dilemas. 

No sex, likes girls, abuse victim, had sex with someone else, but won't have it with you. What more could there be? Look, when you're in love with someone you can't keep your hands off them. It's simple. She doesn't love you and is confused about her feelings. I think she may be using you as a beard for her parents until she figures out what to do. 

I think you are blinded by the idea of love because true love requires reciprocated affection. You're most likely ready to settle down at 28, but this girl is not your huckleberry. Things don't typically improve after marriage. The relationship actually gets more complicated due to the nature of the commitment. If doubts are lingering things will blow up very quickly. Back off and evaluate. She's just too young and troubled.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> Sorry bro. She's gay. You might be a great guy and her closest friend, but it sounds like she isn't sexually attracted to you. She might just be dating you to cover the fact that she's gay.
> 
> I know a couple in a situation like yours, but they get over that problem by keeping the relationship open. Both are allowed to see other women. The cool thing is that she doesn't look like a stereotype lesbian at all. She's very girly and artistic.


Or because she wants kids and thinks it'd be easier to marry an OS partner and have kids then leave them later. My sister's ex boyfriend's wife did that to him. Admitted flat-out when their kids were pre-teen that she only married him to have kids and was leaving him now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. Seriously, you'd be a fool to marry this girl. She's not into you. She doesn't love you. She says she does to make you think it, but love is actions, not words. She's had sex with other people but hasn't with you. You're setting yourself up for some serious pain. Just dump her and move on. Any other course of action is the wrong one.

Once you've dumped her, you need to take a serious look at yourself and ask yourself how you got sucked in to an engagement with a woman who isn't into you sexually.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DO NOT (I repaet) DO NOT marry this woman!

You have been warned!

Save yourself! It's too late for many of us here but you can still save yourself!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she want children?


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## wittmann (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the advice! it means a lot yes elegirl she wants children


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wittmann said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice! it means a lot yes elegirl she wants children


 She wants to use you as the ultimate sperm donor. Once she has children, she will dump you to move in with a lesbian lover and they will raise "their children" together complete with child support payments from you the sperm donor. For a lesbian, it does not get any better than this. Wow, what a great deal for them and what a bad deal for you. Why would you want to do this?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I would bet her plan is to get a few kids. She and her ex gf are still together. Sorry you need to find a woman who wants a man. *


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## whisperingpine (Jan 2, 2014)

:iagree:


Enginerd said:


> Time to wake up brother. Most 20 year old girls haven't even begun to figure out who they are and what they want and this one has more then the typical dilemas.
> 
> No sex, likes girls, abuse victim, had sex with someone else, but won't have it with you. What more could there be? Look, when you're in love with someone you can't keep your hands off them. It's simple. She doesn't love you and is confused about her feelings. I think she may be using you as a beard for her parents until she figures out what to do.


:iagree:

PS - i could be doing the math wrong, but why were you even friends with her when she was 16 and you were 24? 

You should leave her alone, for her own good, and for yours. She is too young and troubled. If you really loved her you would help her get some help / counseling and not marry her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Old thread alert!


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