# Was I out of line?



## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

As most know, my wife plays soccer in a recreational league. Tonight they had practice for the first time from 3 - 5. At about 5:30 my wife texts me that she is "still there" which is typical for her when she is there playing games. I don't hear from her for another hour and a half so I call.

She is walking to her car and will be home soon. She calls 10 minutes later to say she is leaving. I start asking questions about who she hung out with and it turns out she was hanging out with a guy on her team for at least part of this time being just the two of them. So I start asking what I thought were routine questions like "so it was just the two of you?, who is he? How long on the team? etc.. she suddenly says " look he's married. I'm like, Ok.... and then it starts.

"Why are you so suspicious? Why are you so insecure? You are so afraid I'll have an affair that give me the third degree.."

She got so pissed and mean saying stuff like "I don't even feel like coming home anymore" and then when she gets home she throws her phone. A total over reaction in my opinion to my asking what I considered to be routine questions of a wife who just spent part of two hours alone with a man (alone in his company but still in public).

Now, in her defense we are just getting through me snooping on her and I was genuinely suspicious for a while but my questions seemed warranted this time. Was I out of line? Please don't hold back on me. If I violated some expectation of privacy of her time I want to know about it.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Now she is in the bed room acting sad and laying down like she is taking a nap. WTF???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is no privacy in a marriage. If I remember correctly your wife hasn't done a whole hell of alot to put you at eas. Correct me if I'm wrong but when there is smoke there is fire.

What really sucks is you weren't her priority, instead talking with OM was.

She has exhibited alot of red flags so were you out of line, no....bottom line she told you one thing and did another.

With this fragile marriage she should step it up... even if she is straight and not screwing around..


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

the guy said:


> With this fragile marriage she should step it up... even if she is straight and not screwing around..


That was my thought. Yeah, maybe I'm a little sensitive at the moment but that didn't just happen. She put the marriage on notice in kind of a blindside and since then I've been a little over vigilante. Why would you do anything with the appearance of inpropriety at that point?

Then again, she could have lied and said she was there with her whole team and I wouldn't have known any better. She was honest and I didn't recognize that at all. I'm confused right now how to think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya she was honest IMO.

But again there is healthy marriages and there are unhealthy marriages. I don't think she is stiding for a healty marriage and that just as concerning as infidelity isuues.

And it should be address...a side from infidelity I'll say it again...she told you one thing and did another, there is a degree of disrespect.

I'm just getting a feeling that this is a one sided marriage and the both of you are struggling when there are tools out there that can help the both of you.

Now, as far as the infidelity goes....this issue is something that has me thinking...I'll have to go back and revisit your other thread to catch up.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Paulination said:


> As most know, my wife plays soccer in a recreational league. Tonight they had practice for the first time from 3 - 5. At about 5:30 my wife texts me that she is "still there" which is typical for her when she is there playing games. I don't hear from her for another hour and a half so I call.
> 
> She is walking to her car and will be home soon. She calls 10 minutes later to say she is leaving. I start asking questions about who she hung out with and it turns out she was hanging out with a guy on her team for at least part of this time being just the two of them. So I start asking what I thought were routine questions like "so it was just the two of you?, who is he? How long on the team? etc.. she suddenly says " look he's married. I'm like, Ok.... and then it starts.
> 
> ...


I am sorry, but I do not know your whole story. Has she cheated on you or did you have an EA? Is that why you asked all those questions? Sounds like she feels you are talking to her like a policeman on a murder case. Then behaves like a child and stomps around the room throwing phones. She probably feels it is none of your business if she hangs out with a man alone at night. Most husbands would disagree. Mine included. 

Did you have a bad gut feeling?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> I am sorry, but I do not know your whole story. Has she cheated on you or did you have an EA? Is that why you asked all those questions? Sounds like she feels you are talking to her like a policeman on a murder case. Then behaves like a child and stomps around the room throwing phones. She probably feels it is none of your business if she hangs out with a man alone at night. Most husbands would disagree. Mine included.
> 
> Did you have a bad gut feeling?


I don't really have a bad feeling about it. I was curious so I asked what I thought were appropriate questions and she freaked. No EA or PA ever just circumstances that have caused me concern.


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

I was just reading over your other thread, and I don't think i could blame you for wondering or asking questions. The lack of trust plays a huge part in the way we respond to situations. 

One thing I'd hold on to is that she told you who she was with and didn't hide it so it sounds as though she's trying to be honest with you, even though she detests the questions. My husband had trouble being truthful, so any time he is truthful, I thank him for it even if it's not exactly what I'm happy to hear.

Have you sat down and spoken about trust with her and why you are having trouble? It sounds as though she may not be fully aware of the problem that exists.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I haven't read your other thread(s). However, I think if a woman was misbehaving, she'd be unlikely to say, "I'm on way" and be delayed by only ten minutes. Also, I think that you have an idea that you're asking "routine questions" - when in fact, you've interrogated her to know who, what, when, and how - is over the line. 

If she has had an affair or you have solid reason to suspect one, then I'd still propose getting your information less directly. Cheaters lie. Honest people dislike being harassed if they've done nothing wrong. You simply can't anywhere using your current method.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Honest people dislike being harassed if they've done nothing wrong. You simply can't anywhere using your current method.


I'm thinking I owe her an apology.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Paulination said:


> I'm thinking I owe her an apology.


Don't . 

You asked her a question as any husband would based on the situation. She could have responded differently and quelled your concerns.

Next time go with her, ask to be introduced to him and then ask him where his wife is? I am sure your wife won't be pleased.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> "Why are you so suspicious? Why are you so insecure? *You are so afraid I'll have an affair* that give me the third degree.."


That comment from her is uncalled for. She is turning this on you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

At this stage (bearing in mind past events) your wife is supposed to be putting your mind at ease, not raising suspicions by spending time alone with other men. In all probability the time spent with this man was for the reasons she gave you, but her reaction was insensitive and unhelpful.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You had the right to know who your wife was with. How is that out of line?
You don't owe any apology because there was nothing wrong asking for information about the OM. 
If the role were reversed, I'm sure your wife would do the same and even more.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

No you were not out of line. In light of your current marriage situation she was out of line. Your insecurity over the last few months is based on her stated unhappiness. An unhappiness that makes your marraige weak and your wife more vulnerable to the advances of another man. Just because she may have not cheated in the past does not change this fact. She cannot tell you that she is unhappy and then make believe that that this will not concern you or make you suspicious. Until her unhappiness is addressed and your marriage gets stronger, she needs to be sensitive to this.

BTW, many people have boundaries in their marraige against opposite sex friendships. This is a debated topic but it is still very common and there are even books on the subject supporting such boundaries. Your wife playing soccer on a team with men would thus be outside the boundaries of many marriages. In light of her unhappiness, you would prefer that the two of you had such a boundary, while she is in your face ignoring this boundary. You do not owe her an apology for feeling this way. If you apologize you will be conceding that she may freely have these opposite sex friendships without any boundaries. 

I recommend that rather than apologize for having legitimate concerns, that you both sit down and compromise on a set of opposite sex boundaries that you both can live with. Neither of you will get everything you want out of this compromise, but you both will at least know what to expect.

As a side note. All the focus in your marraige seems to be about your wife's happiness with little concern by your wife about yours. This is not a healthy marraige dynamic and your wife needs to step up to the plate on this. If you do not get support for this in MC, find a new therapist.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Paulination said:


> As most know, my wife plays soccer in a recreational league. Tonight they had practice for the first time from 3 - 5. At about 5:30 my wife texts me that she is "still there" which is typical for her when she is there playing games. I don't hear from her for another hour and a half so I call.
> 
> She is walking to her car and will be home soon. She calls 10 minutes later to say she is leaving. I start asking questions about who she hung out with and it turns out she was hanging out with a guy on her team for at least part of this time being just the two of them. So I start asking what I thought were routine questions like "so it was just the two of you?, who is he? How long on the team? etc.. she suddenly says " look he's married. I'm like, Ok.... and then it starts.
> 
> ...


Just my two cents, Paulination, but what she did was totally inappropriate. And the "look, he's married" comment raises a red flag with me. Why would she feel the need to say that? So no, I don't think you are out of line.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Paulination said:


> I'm thinking I owe her an apology.


If my husband told me, "I'll be home soon," then I didn't hear from him for an hour and a half, and then I found out he had spent that hour and a half in the company of another woman, you can bet your azz I wouldn't be the one apologizing.

Makes me wonder, if she thought you would have no problem with it, and all is innocent, why she didn't phone you back when she realized she would be delayed and say, "I've decided to hang out with ________ for a little while."

That would have been courteous to you, since you were waiting on her, as well as being upfront about her whereabouts. It also would have afforded you the opportunity to express whether you were comfortable with it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Out of line, no way!

I'd be ticked off at her actions.


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

I wouldn't apologize for the questions itself, but I probably would apologize if your questions hurt her in any way. That may open up a chance for you two to discuss the situation.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

No, no apology from you is needed. After all of the concerns that she has raised already, you had every right to ask the questions that you did. She might be ticked off at your vigilance, but too bad, she needs to focus on maintaining appropriate boundaries and helping to keep your comfort first.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

She just feels I should be confident enough in the marriage and trust her enough to know that she can have a conversation with a team mate without it always raising red flags.

It apparently makes me look weak and makes her feel like I am treating her like a child which she totally resents. I have tried to frame it much the way you guys have described but she just gets pissed beyond belief no matter how calm I am.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Paulination said:


> She just feels I should be confident enough in the marriage and trust her enough to know that she can have a conversation with a team mate without it always raising red flags.
> 
> It apparently makes me look weak and makes her feel like I am treating her like a child which she totally resents. I have tried to frame it much the way you guys have described but she just gets pissed beyond belief no matter how calm I am.


That's her trick to make you feel insecure. Don't fall into this trap.
You did nothing wrong. Hers wasn't just a talk with a team mate, it was more than that - she said she would be back in short but she got back after an hour. 
So irresponsible from her part.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Paulination said:


> I don't really have a bad feeling about it. I was curious so I asked what I thought were appropriate questions and she freaked. No EA or PA ever just circumstances that have caused me concern.


Believe me you are way over confident.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Believe me you are way over confident.


About what?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm just going to not worry about it. It isn't worth the absolute hassle of bringing it up. I'll take what she says at face value and if she falls for someone else I'll deal with it then.

If she wants to bomb this family then so be it. It will be a lonely world out there since her support system is cpompletely behind me.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Paulination said:


> I'm just going to not worry about it. It isn't worth the absolute hassle of bringing it up. I'll take what she says at face value and if she falls for someone else I'll deal with it then.
> 
> If she wants to bomb this family then so be it. It will be a lonely world out there since her support system is cpompletely behind me.


She's got you figured out. Make a snit, stamp feet, pout and you roll over. You were not out of line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Paulination said:


> She just feels I should be confident enough in the marriage and trust her enough to know that she can have a conversation with a team mate without it always raising red flags.
> 
> It apparently makes me look weak and makes her feel like I am treating her like a child which she totally resents. I have tried to frame it much the way you guys have described but she just gets pissed beyond belief no matter how calm I am.


 I am not saying that she has cheated, but every cheater uses this same exact attack in this situation. Cheaters live by the motto that the best defense is to go on the offense. It is right out of the cheaters script. Just like telling your spouse that your are not happy is right out of the cheaters script.

Look when your wife told you that she was not happy, she may not have been cheating on you. But just because she has not cheated on you yet, does not mean that she can claim that you have no right to fear it in the future. Hanging out alone with another man for 2 hours after a game would be an issue in most marriages even without the unhappiness comment. She has no right to be mad or angry about you asking questions. You have every right to ask these questions and she has no right to get pissed about it. Not only do you not owe her an apology, but she owes you one for getting pissed.

By her playing on a team with men you are already more open in your boundaries than most couples. She is now playing you by being angry to push the boundaries even further in establish her right to spend time alone with these other men (OM). As a statement of fact, in the two hours of fun conversation that your unhappy wife enjoyed with the OM, she had more positive emotional bonding with the OM today then she is willing to have with you. And she even had you help make it possible by having you watch the children.

You need to sit her down and agree on opposite sex boundaries before it is too late. Such a boundaries are normal and healthy and does not make you weak. Do this now and do not back down. Be strong now or regret it later.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't really have an opinion on whether you should apologize or not, but I completely agree with your last post: if she's going to do something that destroys the family, you can't control it. 

It's clear that she feels antagonized when you question her. You have a legitimate need to know the answers to your questions. However, asking them causes problems, so is there another way to assuage your anxiety and get the information you need without becoming her adversary? Maybe a "locate my phone" ap on your phone that has both your numbers registered will show you at 5:29 that she is at the ball field. When she says, "I'm still here," you'll know she hasn't left with someone else and is telling at least that much truth.

OTOH, if she says, "I'm still here" and your phone locator ap shows that she's six blocks away, then you know she's lying and will have to choose how to respond. Even then, I doubt questions will work. She'll accuse you of spying, being the bad guy, etc. even though the discussion at hand is about her location. 

In the future, whenever she says, "You don't trust me" or "You're so insecure that..." I would not engage on that topic. I'd say, "Once we've settled the matter of why you were gone for an hour and a half longer than I reasonably expected, we'll discuss any issues you'd like to bring up, but right now this is the topic." Alternately, if she simply won't focus on your topic, then listen, hear her out, and come back to yours.


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## Heheals (May 20, 2012)

Paulination

Was this the first time she's done something like this? If it is, I wouldn't worry too much this time around; although, just out of common courtesy maybe see if she can call you next time she figures she'll be longer than normal? That way you aren't worried whether or not she's been in an accident or something? 

My husband and I both have been in accidents, so we have a bad habit of worrying if one is later getting home than normal, so we have started to call each other if we are going to be late out of common courtesy. 

This at least doesn't put as much pressure on trying to find out what she's doing, as making sure she gets home safely.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't really have an opinion on whether you should apologize or not, but I completely agree with your last post: if she's going to do something that destroys the family, you can't control it.


I've been concerned about my marriage now non-stop for over four months and it comes to the point where I'm tired of banging my head against a wall to save it.

I have put forth a ton of energy to better myself and feed the marriage the way it needs to be fed and I get nothing in return. Then she does something I feel is innapropriate and I approach her about it in a calm, non confrontational manner and I get my head handed to me. For what? 

I am just going to do my thing and like I said if she blows it up then so be it. I'm done snooping, tracking, analyzing and over thinking it. I have been a good husband, too good for my own good and when I became aware of my sghortcomings, I fixed it. Like someone else pointed out, it seem my focus is always on what I can do, not what she can do.

You know what? My needs are not being met and I'm not happy. I bring that up and it all gets turned back around on me. The only thing my wife does to feed this marriage is have sex with me three times a month and take care of the kids. The rest is on me yet I'm the one worrying about everything. It is like she isn't concerned at all. She has everything to lose but I'm the one trying to figure out how to make this thing better.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Let her come to you. Start detaching and start moving away from her. When she comes home from soccer, be wearing your new threads and new haircut. Say hi to her on your way out. Go hear some bands and come home at 1 am. Be up and out before she gets up. IIRC, you're already in top shape, right?

When you have conversations, always bring up the hot new chick at work/grocery store/barbershop/whatever. Then quit talking about her after about 4 weeks.

Lock you phone and all your commo gear. Buy a burner phone and send texts to it at all hours of the night. Delete all texts.

Start flirting with the women right in her face.

IF you don't get any kind of action from the above, go ahead and file.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*The only thing my wife does to feed this marriage is have sex with me three times a month and take care of the kids. The rest is on me yet I'm the one worrying about everything. It is like she isn't concerned at all. She has everything to lose but I'm the one trying to figure out how to make this thing better.* 

You have been hanging out here long enough to know that your story and your wife's attitude is not uncommon. Time to turn it around. Stop going the extra mile. Let her pitch in and do her fair share. Do not be available to watch the kids while she plays her games. She takes you for granted. Sometimes when you stop doing something for someone, they realize what they have been taking for granted.

If you need more sex, make that a more important part of your marriage. Don't make any immediate threat of more sex or else, but let her know that you don't think marriages in general can remain happy ones without sexual compatibility, and you have no intention of spending your entire life in an unhappy marriage. Push for more sex for several weeks. I doubt you'll get it, but after that length of time, when she still hasn't upped the frequency for you, ask her point blank if this is how the rest of your marriage is going to be. If it is, let her know you're not sure how long you will be able to put up with it. If she agrees it should be more freqent but she's not ready yet, ask her when this will happen. You've got to get to the real reason she doesn't want more frequency in the bedroom and then work on whatever that reason is.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

"Look, he's married." When has being married ever stopped someone from being the OM?

Paulination, if you have to check up on your wife as you describe and she doesn't care about your feelings, what kind of marriage is this?

I love the agreement that my husband and I have about opposite sex friends. It isn't allowed in our marriage because opposite sex friends often lead to infidelity. If my husband questioned me about some dude, I would do everything I could to assure my husband that nothing was going on.

Only guilty spouses behave like your wife.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I can actually see your wife's point of view.

My wife and I do have some trust issues. Not about cheating, but about lying and secret-keeping in general. And as someone who has been wrongly accused by my spouse, I can say that this kind of behavior from a spouse can get really frustrating really fast. When you have been trying to earn trust with your spouse, every question feels like an inquisition or an attack. While it is possible something more is going on, it's also possible that she's being very sensitive about this because of your previous accusations of infidilty.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I can actually see your wife's point of view.
> 
> My wife and I do have some trust issues. Not about cheating, but about lying and secret-keeping in general. And as someone who has been wrongly accused by my spouse, I can say that this kind of behavior from a spouse can get really frustrating really fast. When you have been trying to earn trust with your spouse, every question feels like an inquisition or an attack. While it is possible something more is going on, it's also possible that she's being very sensitive about this because of your previous accusations of infidilty.


I get what you are saying, but I never accused my wife of infidelity. I did ask her if there was someone else. She said "no", and then I secretly verified that.

I didn't accuse her of doing anything wrong this time either. Choosing to spend 1 1/2 hours of lone time with a guy after practice seemed inapropriate to me and I wanted to know who he is and the overall circumstances of their visit. Seems to me that someone trying to earn their spouses trust back wouldn't do what she did. Sounds more like someone who doesn't give a sh!t what her husband thinks.

I've been to her games and I've seen these people. No one special to look at and I don't think two sweaty somewhat out of shape people dressed in knee pads and tank tops will find much chemistry so I really am not feeling threatened. I just felt it deserved a conversation. She felt otherwise.

Maybe I can work on my delivery but I don't see myself not addressing concerns of mine just to not make her angry.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Paulination. First off, 3x a month is not enough for any man I know -- I think that should be the focus of your conversations with her. That's really a sign that something is off.

As far as the whole soccer thing, well, you've gotten varying advice here. You need to remember that this board skews suspicious. I can completely understand that your wife felt attacked and suspected for no reason, and she got pi$$y about that. But the real problem is what's underlying the lack of an adequate sex life. I'd concentrate on that, and let the whole soccer incident go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Paulination said:


> She got so pissed and mean saying stuff like "I don't even feel like coming home anymore"


Paul, you're smarter than that. "I don't feel like coming home" is just cheater speak for "if you're going to call me out on my cheating ways then I'm going to pull the 'you can't have me, then' card. Which means she thinks you are doormat enough to lap it up and back down and apologize.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Paulination said:


> Now she is in the bed room acting sad and laying down like she is taking a nap. WTF???


 Yesterday, I was furious at my husband for something he did the day before. I ignored him all day. Around 5pm he finished what he was working on, realized I was still giving him the cold shoulder, so he went outside where I was pulling weeds, and sat in the swing, alone, waiting for me to come to him. I went inside. He stayed outside, chin on hand, pouting, waiting for me to come out and ask him what was wrong. He KNEW what was wrong! He's just used to me caving when he pouts, and then him getting the upper hand (control) without even having to apologize! Sorry, I'm done being your patsy; find someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Paulination said:


> She just feels I should be confident enough in the marriage and trust her enough to know that she can have a conversation with a team mate without it always raising red flags.
> 
> It apparently makes me look weak and makes her feel like I am treating her like a child which she totally resents. I have tried to frame it much the way you guys have described but she just gets pissed beyond belief no matter how calm I am.


Of course she does. That's her trying to regain control so that she can continue to have Independent Behavior while you sit at home and wait for her crumbs.

Look, I'm not saying she cheated; doubt she did. But she doesn't like being questioned, she is not remorseful, she is not putting herself in your shoes. That is NOT a person working on your marriage. 

Could you have used different words? Maybe. But you DESERVED to know why she was almost TWO HOURS late.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, Paulination. First off, 3x a month is not enough for any man I know -- I think that should be the focus of your conversations with her. That's really a sign that something is off.


Her libido is crap. She'll have it whenever I want it but unless it is a Friday or Saturday night she seems uninterested and I'm not interested in having sex with someone as active as furniture.
Fri or Sat, she's good to go with some enthusiasm but any other time, not so much.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

turnera said:


> .
> 
> Look, I'm not saying she cheated; doubt she did. But she doesn't like being questioned, she is not remorseful, she is not putting herself in your shoes. That is NOT a person working on your marriage.


She's not working on it. I have done all of the lifting and my shoulders are tired. Not ready to call it quits but man is it getting old.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That's no good, Pauli. You know it. That's the problem you need to discuss with her. And what difference does it make if it's Friday or Saturday? So, if it's a work night, you go to bed a little earlier...trust me, a woman who wants to make excuses will find any excuse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She sounds like me, in that if I know I have A, B, and C to take care of either tonight or tomorrow morning, I can't relax enough to enjoy anything. Who does most of the housework?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Oh, Paulination. First off, 3x a month is not enough for any man I know -- I think that should be the focus of your conversations with her. That's really a sign that something is off.
> 
> As far as the whole soccer thing, well, you've gotten varying advice here. You need to remember that this board skews suspicious. *I can completely understand that your wife felt attacked and suspected for no reason, and she got pi$$y about that. *But the real problem is what's underlying the lack of an adequate sex life. I'd concentrate on that, and let the whole soccer incident go.


See, to me, the bold is the problem. Being out with another man for 1.5 hours sounds an awful lot like a date to me. Refusing to answer any questions about raises a red flag. I don't know what she did with him, but she is making it very difficult for him to trust her, particularly in view of her other behavior.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Paulination said:


> when she gets home she throws her phone


Paulination,

Never a dull moment. Throwing the phone is an elevated abuse level over ranting or raging. This is because even if it is not thrown at you, if you witness it being thrown you can't help but feel threatened that next time it could be thrown at you. Even a woman can throw a phone hard enough to break facial bones or chip a tooth.

Whatever you have done and however she feels about it does not justify allowing herself to lose control, verbally rage and throw the phone. You should confront regarding this specific issue. Make sure you communicate your support and your desire to help. Make a plan for how you two will work together to make sure this does not happen again.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Paulination said:


> I've been concerned about my marriage now non-stop for over four months and it comes to the point where I'm tired of banging my head against a wall to save it.
> 
> I have put forth a ton of energy to better myself and feed the marriage the way it needs to be fed and I get nothing in return. Then she does something I feel is innapropriate and I approach her about it in a calm, non confrontational manner and I get my head handed to me. For what?
> 
> ...


Paulination, if you're not seeing her work on things, and you're unhappy with what's happening, what is keeping you there?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Paulination, if you're not seeing her work on things, and you're unhappy with what's happening, what is keeping you there?


This is my second marriage, we have young children and a happy history. Worth fighting for but not worth doing it alone.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Paulination said:


> She just feels I should be confident enough in the marriage and trust her enough to know that she can have a conversation with a team mate without it always raising red flags.
> 
> It apparently makes me look weak and makes her feel like I am treating her like a child which she totally resents. I have tried to frame it much the way you guys have described but she just gets pissed beyond belief no matter how calm I am.


Paulination,

It looks like she has very strong feelings about how you should act and serious resentment over any feelings you have regarding how she should act. I might detect some unfairness here.

Her observation that you look weak is classic projection. Resentfully feeling that she is treated like a child comes from her sense of entitlement (see unfairness above) in which she should be above having to accept any consequences for her actions. This is textbook immaturity.

Btw, my observation of your actions is that of a farmer who noticed that the hen house door is open and is getting a lot of squawking as he closes it


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Paulination said:


> This is my second marriage, we have young children and a happy history. Worth fighting for but not worth doing it alone.


Dude, you are hardly alone however you may have to do some serious work on your own to pull this out. Is your wife the kid's mom? Are you their dad?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I only read the first page, but I've read and responded to your other posts. You both handled this situation poorly. You have every right to know the answers to the questions you asked, but you should have taken your time finding out the answers and not put her through an interegation. She should thicken her skin a bit and realize that she caused you to be uncomfortable in this marriage. If she wants to work on your marriage she needs to be more accepting of you questions.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Dude, you are hardly alone however you may have to do some serious work on your own to pull this out. Is your wife the kid's mom? Are you their dad?


Two of them are ours. A 4 year old little girl and a 6 year old little boy.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Paulination said:


> Two of them are ours. A 4 year old little girl and a 6 year old little boy.


Cool. So the increasing demands from the growing kids overwhelm your wife who is hard pressed to take care of herself. She crumbles and everything in her life she feels bad about, she takes out on you. You'll probably see similar behavior in your daughter in about ten years. 

Your job is to help your wife grow into a level of adult maturity so she can help you raise your kids into adulthood. The first order of business is to agree to no hostile raging and no throwing stuff. All couples have misunderstandings and blowing up is no way to solve them. If she keeps this up she will loose the respect of the kids and any influence over them as they get older


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first step toward that is to say 'any time you throw something or raise your voice, I will leave the room until you are calm enough to have an adult conversation.' And then do it.


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