# Dating with ex around?



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Is anyone there dating while your ex is still pressuring you to go back to him/her? How is it working? Tough? How can you handle it? Especially if you have kids together?


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Well I had to respond to this. In my previous threads I mentioned that I was separated, but still living in the same house. Officially, I completed the three months of separation I had planned. I made the decision and advised my spouse that I intend to divorce, and there is no chance for R. My preference was to do this amicably. 

Right now its a reasonably fair arrangment at home. I pay mortgage, bills, and she gives me a fair amount of money every month to go towards that. 

Since separation, I have not been happier. I even decided I'd be willing to start dating, and, well, I started meeting people, and have found someone interesting whom I'm hoping to date exclusively. 

Do I worry about the wrath of a woman scorned? Yes. But we are both trying to be friendly to eachother, at least until we finally go our separate ways. Don't know how she'll take the fact I'm dating though. 

You might say, the scene from Dexter season 2 where Debra encounters Lila at the fridge keeps playing over in my head...


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

It's tough even after the divorce. I am sitting in the emergency room with my ex husband waiting on our daughter to get examined after a car wreck she was involved in. The POS OW is out sitting in his truck. I am so bitter and I am sure your soon to be ex will also. I can't stand to be in the same room with her especially since this will be our first Thanksgiving in 27 years not together as a family. I am sure time will heal that and hopefully sooner than later.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

P.S. We didn't even get lawyers involved and divorced fairly civil but it still hurts. Try to keep your dating life very quiet so it doesn't hurt her more than necessary.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

We are divorced since almost 2 years and got the church annulment 2 weeks ago but my ex is still not admitting the situation and still every once in a while tries to drag me back to the relationship. I feel bad if i want to date and i feel like if i am cheating. I need to do things discretely so he won't find out.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You are single. There's no need to be discrete. Simply don't have any conversations with him. If you have to due to kids, as soon as he gets off track, just take it back to the subject you need to resolve then hang up, walk away, etc. There is no need to be drug back if you're sure after 2 years that you have no chance of getting back together.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

i was thinking this today. i have been seperated from ex wife for 10 months now. first 8 months i did not date as it was to soon, howveer the last 2 months i have been seeing someone.

the ex wife does not know, we also get a long ok still however i reckon if she finds out or i tell her she will be so bitter and a *****.

whereas i beleive id be happy if she found someone else.


strange


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You are single. There's no need to be discrete. Simply don't have any conversations with him. If you have to due to kids, as soon as he gets off track, just take it back to the subject you need to resolve then hang up, walk away, etc. There is no need to be drug back if you're sure after 2 years that you have no chance of getting back together.


He can't force me to go back to him you are right EW, but also he is the father of my kids, i will always need to deal with him. If i can help him to not fall back into depression or threatening to suicide it will be better. I also don't need to be pushed to get a restraining order, that's why I am going slowly. 

I shared how i feel and like to get more perspectives. It will help me to see i am not alone and also to see how others deal with similar situations.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I have been dating someone for 6 months, my exh has recently started asking me out(note he cheated and wanted the divorce). He is aware im dating but not someone exclusively. I have gone out of my way to make sure ex does not encounter my new guy. I am very concerned on how my ex will react, since he has not reacted well to me even having a free fri or sat night without my DS, he gets verbally abusive. My concern is that he will take it out on DS, so for now i make a concerted effort to not let him know. At the point my new guy meets DS (thinking about the year mark) i will let exh know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

I think the only time an ex needs to be told about a new partner in your life is when that partner starts spending a significant amount of time with your child. I also don''t think it is a good idea to start dating until the divorce is final. Don't drag a third party into any drama....


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

brendan said:


> i was thinking this today. i have been seperated from ex wife for 10 months now. first 8 months i did not date as it was to soon, howveer the last 2 months i have been seeing someone.
> 
> the ex wife does not know, we also get a long ok still however i reckon if she finds out or i tell her she will be so bitter and a *****.
> 
> ...


At first you won't be happy knowing she found someone else. A few days afterwards the anger/jealousy will wear off upon realizing now she's someone else's problem. Then you'll buy a bmw and an audi and a range rover, then build a nice modern house and totally reinvent yourself, and she'll try getting back with you but you will have fully moved on and her moves will have no effect on you.
THEN you can feel happy (and hope) she found someone else and it's all good from there. :smthumbup:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

ranaz2 said:


> I think the only time an ex needs to be told about a new partner in your life is when that partner starts spending a significant amount of time with your child. I also don''t think it is a good idea to start dating until the divorce is final. Don't drag a third party into any drama....


I'm not waiting for a divorce seeing as we are 5,000 miles apart and he is going to fight me tooth and nail against divorce, so i will be dating before divorce, i will be ****ing before divorce damn right i will be, will i be telling him, for god sake no.

I have no need for any man that i date to be around my children.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

aston said:


> At first you won't be happy knowing she found someone else. A few days afterwards the anger/jealousy will wear off upon realizing now she's someone else's problem. Then you'll buy a bmw and an audi and a range rover, then build a nice modern house and totally reinvent yourself, and she'll try getting back with you but you will have fully moved on and her moves will have no effect on you.
> THEN you can feel happy (and hope) she found someone else and it's all good from there. :smthumbup:


coughs, sounds like you are trying to convince yourself, snickers.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> coughs, sounds like you are trying to convince yourself, snickers.


It worked, now I just have to convince you and others LOL


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

I'm on the flip side of this coin. i dont know the specifics in your particular case. In mine he had affair, I was blindsided he wants the divorce. I would do anything to be together again and sadly we live in the same house... whats worse like you he wants to be friends and amicable (we have 4 kids together). The pain of watching him giggle like a teeny bopper will he texts and chats is like having your heart ripped out of your chest. Then theres anger and blind hatred momentarily. 

Even worse - he wants to be friends and likes to talk about all the qualities he's looking for in my replacement. 

For the love of god, be discreet, if he still loves you - at least till its a serious relationship... theres no need to torment someone who still feels about you like they did the day you married. 

If he was an awful person then go on with your bad self, hes reaping what he sowed...
but if hes a good guy -spare his feelings... it doesnt hurt you to be kind. just my opinion.

Why not just move on?!? because just like you cant make someone love you, you just cant make someone stop loving you.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Been D for 9 months. Separated for almost 2 yrs.......And it still hasn't stopped. I have been dating someone for about 4 months now. I have decided to stop doing that for right now. Only because the pressure I feel from my ex H is unbearable! I've tried to make him see that I can do whatever I want to do on my time. But I start to feel bad because he does try so hard sometimes. So I have to end the fun relationship to be able to work on the important relationship - I say this because we have a young child together. I will not make her life a stressed out mess because of her dad and I.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

LVS said:


> We are divorced since almost 2 years and got the church annulment 2 weeks ago but my ex is still not admitting the situation and still every once in a while tries to drag me back to the relationship. I feel bad if i want to date and i feel like if i am cheating. I need to do things discretely so he won't find out.


No LVS - once the divorce is final that's it, game over, he had his chance and threw it away. You are completely free to do what you want. You don't have to date in secret, but at the same time showing some class and not rubbing his nose in it would be best.

Cork on a fork however, why can't you wait until your divorce is final? Are you that desperate to be in another relationship? Can't you stand being alone to work yourself out? My IC told me it takes at LEAST 3 years, sometimes up to 8 yr, to get over a divorce and be ready to get involved with another relationship.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

No BBT, not desparate at all. And I would say each person, and scenario, could be different. Who is to say that the last more-than-a-year of living like roomates wasn't enough? Both myself and my STBXW are moving on, and have a very simple agreement regarding dating. Neither wants to hear the others stories, and we don't bring anyone to our home. I'll only be there another two or three months, doesn't make a big difference to me. Not only this, but by the time I move out, everything will be settled. Everything, which the exception of having to wait those extra few months for Ontario law to finalize the simple divorce. 

As a plus, my STBXW keep our contact limited, but on friendly terms.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune to hook up with my STBXH. I'm hoping I won't be seeing or hearing much from him in any case. 

I have no plans to date and if I do, my kids won't see or hear much about it. My daughter says she would be happy to see me with someone who made me happy but I think it might be hard on my son, and he's had enough of a hard time. 

That said, if the right person comes along and wants to have some fun then I'm game but I'm def not into getting into any serious relationship. 

I guess I'll just play it by ear,


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I feel sorry for anyone who has the misfortune to hook up with my STBXH. I'm hoping I won't be seeing or hearing much from him in any case.
> 
> I have no plans to date and if I do, my kids won't see or hear much about it. My daughter says she would be happy to see me with someone who made me happy but I think it might be hard on my son, and he's had enough of a hard time.
> 
> ...


I second that sister. I have no desire to date someone else for a VERY long time. I'm going to need it to get over the lies, deception and manipulation my STBHX has dealt out for years. Right now I'm really happy being alone. 

My son is taking this really hard. He told me the other night please don;'t find another husband. Poor kid he just wants his daddy here. Little does he know his daddy is a pyschopath who doesn't deserve a partner like me.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yeah, my H is a bit of a psycho as well. It's hard on my son. He isn't saying much but he and his father were close not too long ago and his father is treating him like dirt now. My daughter is glad everyone is with her now. She's been hating on my H for 2 years now. 

My son is 15. Eventually (hopefully) he'll make friends and get into dating himself and won't care much what his mom does but right now he needs me and I'm going to be there for him. I can go out and socialize and I'll do that but I won't be bringing any "new daddy" home anytime soon, if ever. 

I've been separated from my H for 2 years now but in the past 6 months I pretty much lived alone. My daughter was around but she's been in college since Sept and my son was with my H so it was really just me..and I LOVED it. No way in hell am I living with anyone ever again. 

But I'd love a friend with benefits. Someone fun, without issues, who can have a round of drinks and not turn into a monster. It's not too much to ask, is it?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

WITHOUT ISSUES OMG please let me know where I can find one of these, do these people even exist?????


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Not sure. I haven't dated in over 25 years...:scratchhead:

From what I hear it's pretty hard to find someone out there. A lot of my friends have done or are doing the online dating thing and no one I know is impressed. 

I have no plans to do anything like that. I belong to Meetup.com and go to things to find people who like to do the same things I do, like hiking and camping and also to go out and socialize. I like to get dressed up and go out. But I'm not looking to hook up. 

I'm used to being alone and doing things on my own, by myself so I don't care if I find someone. I guess that's a good thing. 

Some say that I have issues. Who knows? I'm weird enough. :rofl:


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> But I'd love a friend with benefits. Someone fun, without issues, who can have a round of drinks and not turn into a monster. It's not too much to ask, is it?


Funny - I noticed that so many of us women become so secure and strong after we are finally free that all we want is a friend with benefits. I'm not divorced yet - as the matter of fact we had in house separation - but just telling my husband we getting divorced made me be myself again.
And I did find my friend with benefits 

Good part is your ex doesn't need to know about dating as there is hardly a point to introduce your "friend" to kids


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Not planning to look for any "friends" just yet. I've got way too much on my mind but at the rate I'm going with dropping rate due to stress and running around like a crazy woman I'll be looking pretty damn hot soon.  :smthumbup:

I know one thing: I will NEVER EVER get married again.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Not planning to look for any "friends" just yet. I've got way too much on my mind but at the rate I'm going with dropping rate due to stress and running around like a crazy woman I'll be looking pretty damn hot soon.  :smthumbup:
> 
> I know one thing: I will NEVER EVER get married again.


:iagree: with you


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> But I'd love a friend with benefits. Someone fun, without issues, who can have a round of drinks and not turn into a monster. It's not too much to ask, is it?


I have no desire to date either. I have a FWB who takes me out to dinner, we see movies together, take weekend trips to the beach, etc- and it's wonderful. He's never met my kids and never will. xH has never met him either, and never will (God willing, lol). They DO exist- find a guy with a stable career, no kids, never married- a perpetual bachelor if you will, because that type of man will literally have NO strings attached. Best of luck to you!


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> I have no desire to date either. I have a FWB who takes me out to dinner, we see movies together, take weekend trips to the beach, etc- and it's wonderful. He's never met my kids and never will. xH has never met him either, and never will (God willing, lol). They DO exist- find a guy with a stable career, no kids, never married- a perpetual bachelor if you will, because that type of man will literally have NO strings attached. Best of luck to you!


Same here, after my divorce no more marriage or relationship for me. Jsut something "light" and easy going based on mutual respect. I call it an extended FWB. We do things together, travel, concerts, plays, museums, bowling etc but we have separate lives. She's also divorced and all I can say is that it simply "works".
I think it's amazing how much better people get along things just "work" when the pressures of a relationship are absent.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Aston, I like your term "extended FWB..." going strong with mine for a couple years now, we have our own lives but it's mutually beneficial for us to get together a few times a month as well- we respect each other's boundaries and neither of us wants more. It's great! Glad to hear you have a situation that works beautifully for you as well


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> Aston, I like your term "extended FWB..." going strong with mine for a couple years now, we have our own lives but it's mutually beneficial for us to get together a few times a month as well- we respect each other's boundaries and neither of us wants more. It's great! Glad to hear you have a situation that works beautifully for you as well


SingleInTX I'm glad you something beneficial as well. It's amazing how much clarity and less "heavy" things feel when it's mutually understood on how you want it. We just hit the 1 year and 2 months mark and I couldn't be more content.


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