# Considering, but do not want, divorce



## OutofTime (Nov 23, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, together for 5. We are currently expecting our first child. The first two years of our marriage were very difficult, but I felt like things had gotten better over the last two, until recently. 

I lost my mother a few months ago. Having lost my father when I was younger, this has been very difficult to handle. Coupled with pregnancy, I am certain I have not handled it well. Since she passed, my husband and I have had terrible fights leading to my packing my things at least 3 times - twice at his request and once on my own. 

The fights have all started off about really insignificant things - whether we will pierce our daughters ears (during that fight, that lasted for several hours, he said I was malicious for saying it would be her decision (supposedly in the way I said it)); and the most recent because he got mad after asking what I planned to work on in the morning, my answer was clearly not what he was looking for, this escalated to a 3-4 hour fight in the middle of the night during which I was told, yet again, all the reasons I am so incredibly deficient as a wife. 

I will concede, as I did to him earlier in the month, that there are many things I wish I did better and on which I need to focus. I felt like, once we went through that fight earlier in the month, he could give me some time to address those things, as I had been swamped at work for the past two weeks - literally working 12-14 hour days. Unfortunately, I clearly did not address them fast enough, as the most recent fight would indicate. 

I feel like arguing with him is pointless. He does not listen to the other person's position whatsoever, instead says incredibly mean things during the fight, including, 1 week after my mother died, telling me that he "does not like me as a person." 

I'm tired of packing my things every few weeks. Really, every time he comes home, as he travels for work. When he gets back, we will have about a day where we are ok, then the next it will be a horrible fight. After each fight, I end up depressed and useless for the next day or so. I really feel like he doesn't like me at all, though he claims he does. When I start to leave he tells me he doesn't want me to. This last time I was accused of leaving because "I just don't want to clean the house." It is all just so ridiculous. I was also accused of only wanting him for free labor? I don't know where he comes up with these things. 

After the most recent fight, the next day, he of course apologized and was really nice all day. He said he regretted many of the things he had said and that he thought it was because he missed being intimate with me that he was so angry with me right now. 

I want to work things out. I know I am not without fault in our problems, too. I just wish these fights could not go the way they go. I don't want our child to grow up in a household like this, nor do I want her to be without one of her parents, as I was when I grew up, and it was horrible for me. 

We went to therapy recently, but the cost was just too much. I want to try to find a less expensive option, and/or have us each go on our own. I was told during the last fight that he did not have time or money for therapy. I feel like our marriage and our child's life are at stake. 

Does anyone have any advice on how to work this through? Any books or anything that may be able to give me some direction. I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ugh!!

You just lost your mother *a few months ago,* and he is still harassing and haranguing you with fights??? While you're PREGNANT???

Speaking from experience, when you lose your mother (the vessel who brought you in to the world), it is a BIG EFFING DEAL.

Your husband sounds like a narcissistic control-freak who just wants to WIN arguments at all costs.

He tells you that you are a *deficient wife*?? (Don't believe him for a minute. That's just his OWN insecurities lashing out.) Btw, his lame apology the next morning is just passive-aggressive coercion.

Does he have ANY idea that stress is the cause of most illness? Including cancer, depression, and inflammatory diseases? All of this fighting could result in a miscarriage (or untoward stress on your unborn baby) if he continues on this path. Babies in utero internalize all of their mother's stress.

You need counseling, for YOURSELF. Forget marriage counseling right now. Do you really want to live with a man who beats you down while you are PREGNANT??


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How is the intimacy between you? If it is poor it could be a factor, a H needs sex the same way he needs food, it is also the way he can get close to you to bond. You are pregnant so there are alternatives. This dance cannot continue, you need to both grow up and sit down and discuss calming exactly how you are both feeling. 

usually this type of thing happens because of poor communication (you may want to consider MC) and the lack of honesty with one another and the cycle continues.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I recently saw a TED talk about infidelity - the speaker said it often happens after a major life event and she specifically cited the death of a parent.

Not to minimize your situation, but this talk intrigued me and made me wonder if our judgement about the past and future are significantly impacted after such a loss.

So part of your reaction could be just related to the loss and not your husband or your marriage.


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## OutofTime (Nov 23, 2015)

I appreciate the responses. Intimacy has not been great for quite some time. I've attempted to initiate it, but it doesn't seem he is interested, which is incredibly confusing when he says that is one of the reasons why he has been the way he has been lately. So I am not really sure what to do about that. 

I agree that things cannot continue like this and that we need help. I have looked into less expensive counseling options, and believe he is now willing to go. I hope we are able to work things out.


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