# Advice wanted



## Confusedanddazed (Mar 6, 2011)

Two people who dated many years ago. Fell in love but both were two young and immature at the time.

12 years pass with no contact. They both get married to other people. Both have kids. Both very unhappy in their marriage.

They meet up again and reconnect. Emotions for each other are exactly the same. Both realize they are still in love. Emotional affair starts that leads to a sexual affair as well. Goes on for a year.

They finally come clean with their spouses. They both want out to be with each other.

Both spouses have anger issues and are emotionally abusive. Very controlling and manipulative.Both lovers admit they were never in love with their spouses. Both have self esteem issues.


Are these two married lovers crazy with delusional notions of romantic love or is more likely a case of "Grass always looks greener on the other side."

Friends have been supportive.

Spouses have used guilt as a weapon. Both lovers feel they are scum for the damage they will cause by actually going for it. Emotional damage to their kids is their biggest fear.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ah, there is nothing like reconnecting with an old flame. Makes you feel like a teen again, right?

BUT, you are not teens. So acting like teens is really inappropriate. An unhappy adult faces marital issues and tries to change them. If it does not work, s/he finally may choose to leave. Leaving an unhappy marriage is sad but may have to happen.

Running away, however, is entirely something else, and that's where the damage comes in. 

You both owe it to your kids and your selves to cut contact now, with NO plans to reconnect. Mourn the loss of that heady feeling--give it 3 months, at least. Start individual counseling. When ready, address the marital issues, through counseling. This will help you get an objective view (the therapist's) on whether you really "never loved your spouse" or whether they really have anger management issues. Some of that is stuff you "realized" b/c you were looking for reasons to justify your affair. Promise yourself that you will reassess the issues after ending the affair and trying counseling.

Two people who stayed in bad marriages only until something that seemed better came along do not have a strong chance of making it as a couple. Each of you needs to grow up, a lot. Commit to being single--if your marriage ends--for at least a couple of years, to get to know yourself, to give yourself the time and energy to focus on your kids b/c they will need it. You cannot even imagine how much they will benefit from having you, clear-eyed and focused and no longer in an unsatisfactory marriage--fully engaged in their lives. 

Be prepared b/c nothing will feel more "wrong" than parting from your old flame. It just "feels" so right, correct? So do a lot of things that are really, really bad ideas. You cannot depend on your feelings for this. Accept that you have contributed much to your own unhappiness (by tolerating a less-than-satisfactory marriage and not doing anything about it for solong). Accept that you need to go through a lot of steps to get clear on anything, b/c you've allowed this affair to cloud your judgment. 

And, while it is easy to say that being young and immature drove you apart 12 years ago, remember that what you feel now is a reflection of the memory of your good times back then, an escape from the present into the past. Your tolerance for the marriages is the biggest sign that you are not ready to commit to anyone new--you need to address those issues in yourselves. Let go of each other and face your commitments and realities. Too much is at stake to do otherwise.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

:iagree:


----------

