# Choosing sibling over husband?



## rn3s02 (Jul 24, 2017)

Am I "choosing" my sibling over my husband?

A little history: My husband and my brother do not get along. I admit that my brother is a bit of a **** to my husband sometimes, but my husband is no saint either. At my husbands request, I have distanced myself from my brother and other relatives who have been mean to him. I have also talked to them about their behavior toward my husband and they have all told me that they will do better. According to my husband, they have all started treating him better, except for my brother. I offered to talk to him again about his behavior but my husband said that it would be a waste of time so dont bother. So I didnt.

Today: My brother will be getting married next year. He has asked me to be in the bridal party. It means a lot to me so I accepted. My husband is furious. He says by standing beside my brother at the alter that I am not supporting my husband and I am choosing my brother over him. Is this true? 

I am baffled by my husbands behavior about this situation. He demands that I refuse to be in my brothers bridal party bc he doesnt like him. I feel this is an unfair demand bc I told my husband how important it is for me to be there. If reversed, I would never think to demand that my husband not see his sister or be beside her on a special day bc i didnt like her. Am I crazy? Am I really not standing by my husband and supporting him like I should? My husband has gone as far as to threaten violence against my brother. that "if i dont give him repercussion for his behavior, he will". I told him if he ever laid his hands on my family our marriage would be in serious trouble. That if he instigates a fist fight our marriage will not last. This infuriated him more. Am I supposed to stand by my spouse regardless of their behavior? 

I admit that my family is not perfect and have not always been nice to him and my husband has not been so nice to them in return. I feel like I am constantly forced in a position of having to choose between them when I shouldn't. If reversed the thought of telling my husband to cut ties with his family and choose between us never crosses my mind. I feel like i would be hurting my husband not his family if i ever did this. Please help me. I feel like a ****ty wife and at the same time I feel like my husband is insane. I really need an outside perspective.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

rn3s02 said:


> Am I "choosing" my sibling over my husband?
> 
> A little history: My husband and my brother do not get along. I admit that my brother is a bit of a **** to my husband sometimes, but my husband is no saint either. At my husbands request, I have distanced myself from my brother and other relatives who have been mean to him. I have also talked to them about their behavior toward my husband and they have all told me that they will do better. According to my husband, they have all started treating him better, except for my brother. I offered to talk to him again about his behavior but my husband said that it would be a waste of time so dont bother. So I didnt.
> 
> ...


In your other thread you talk about your husband repeatedly threatening divorce and verbally abusing you.He refused to consider marriage counseling until you actually packed a bag and was about to leave him.
He screams at you but you aren’t allowed to bring it up afterwards because that’s not “giving him a chance”
Now he has threatened violence against a member of your family.
Your husband apparently has mental issues and seems to be escalating and you should worry about your own safety.
If you were my sister or daughter I would advice you to leave.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If anyone, family or not, was rude and offensive towards my husband, I would not have anything to do with them. There has to be consequences to bad behaviour.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is insecure and controlling. You being in the wedding means he can't control your actions. Since you already said yes I will wager his goal will be to try and blow things up by making your life miserable, before, during and after the wedding, he is not going to let you enjoy it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> If anyone, family or not, was rude and offensive towards my husband, I would not have anything to do with them. There has to be consequences to bad behaviour.


I can see many reasons why a family could dislike a spouse, the "consequences to bad behavior" go both ways.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I can see many reasons why a family could dislike a spouse, the "consequences to bad behavior" go both ways.


Well if he was abusive or nasty then I wouldn't be married to him.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I read in your post a lot of "dutiful wife" thinking....and your husband likes to work that angle, it seems. As someone else already pointed out, that works both ways. May I ask why your brother seems to dislike your husband so much? Does it have anything to do with what another poster mentioned you posted in another thread about your husband being something of a jerk? Is this brother older than you and being protective? 

Your husband should not go to your brother's wedding- even if he was invited. Your blood relative relations shouldn't have been expected to be severed the day you got married. Your husband married into your family and vice versa. 
You shouldn't be expected to "forsake all others" for your husband's ego. People need a variety of healthy relationships in their lives. 

I think more information is needed about the root cause of contention between your family and your husband. If it's due to ****ty behavior on your husband's part, then you may find yourself really needing to lean on your family at some point. It would be foolish to miss an important day with your sibling over a jealous, controlling man's bad behavior....IF that is how it is. 

My first husband was really nuts....and this is some of the crazy **** he would have done. The other poster upthread is probably correct in saying that your spouse will be a **** about it all and not let you enjoy it. That would cause a serious rift in any relationship I have had. I think you need to sit down with hubby again and lay it all out.

Good luck- I hope your brother has a wonderful wedding either way!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your husband sounds like a verbally abusive, childish, controlling little jackass.

There's a reason your WHOLE FAMILY doesn't like this guy, but you want to continue keeping your head planted firmly in the sand and doing whatever the little tyrant tells you to do and if that includes *shunning* your own family, you'll eventually do it. Maybe not without a fight first, but you'll do it. You'll continue to cling to this abuser, always trying to please him, for all it's worth.

And any ass-hole who puts you *IN *a position to have to choose between him or your family shows you all you need to know about him.



> I am baffled by my husbands behavior about this situation.


Why? He's an abuser having a temper tantrum. If you were smart, you'd kick him right in the ass out the front door and let him have his tantrum out on the curb. Use that time to change your locks.

He's emotionally and verbally abusive with his threats of divorce every time you fight, and his childish and nasty screaming at you. You've been foolish and *encouraged* his **** behavior towards you and your family for way too long because you've been playing by his rules and doing everything he tells you to do. You obviously don't have the guts to stand up to your abuser and stop this crap, so instead you continually allow him to dictate your actions and make your decisions for you and you do what he tells you to do because you're always, seeking his approval. What's so special about this guy that you're willing to disrespect YOURSELF and your entire family in order to desperately hold onto him? Is he rich? Powerful? I can't figure out why you're clinging to this jerk like grim death.

You'll find out how *foolish* your blind devotion to your abuser has been when you wake up a few years from now to discover you've *completely shut your entire family out. * Same with any friends of yours. It's coming. That's a promise.

An abuser's FIRST order of business is to isolate their prey and this jerk-off is doing a great job of that, constantly creating strife with your family and making 'rules' about how much you see them. That would be a cold day in hell when any man EVER dictated to me when I could see my family. But this is pretty normal for you. You don't even see how he's manipulating you - you're like the frog in the pot of warm water. You don't even realize how he's slowly been raising the heat for a while, and the water is getting warmer and warmer.

Don't believe me about how he's slowly isolating you and abusing you? It's happening and will continue to happen. Check back with us in 5 years - *if* you're even allowed to use a computer or cell phone without his permission by that time.

My last piece of advice to you is to *NEVER* shun your family for someone you only have - at best - a 50% chance of being with 10 years from now. Your family is your family for LIFE. That never changes. But if you get wise to the abuse you've been continually accepting from your husband and finally put an end to it down at the county courthouse, then this abusive ass-hole can become history in as little as a year or two. See how easily he can disappear? Not so for your family - they're there for life. 

Stop being foolish.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I read your other thread. Did your husband ever get any mental health treatment? @Uptown offered excellent advice.

Your husband is a bully who may have personality disorder issues. Marriage is supposed to be two working together, but the described dynamic here is marriage as a controlling competition. In my opinion, you are surviving in an abusive relationship.

There are reasons your family are uncomfortable with him and they worry about you. Whatever your choice, it seems he fluctuates to put you in the wrong.

You mentioned no divorce in your family, so that means you have considered it. Without professional treatment, he is unlikely to change.

It is overwhelming living on the edge of a precipice. Be safe.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rn3s02 said:


> I am baffled by my husbands behavior about this situation. He demands that I refuse to be in my brothers bridal party bc he doesnt like him. I feel this is an unfair demand bc I told my husband how important it is for me to be there. If reversed, I would never think to demand that my husband not see his sister or be beside her on a special day bc i didnt like her. Am I crazy? Am I really not standing by my husband and supporting him like I should? My husband has gone as far as to threaten violence against my brother. that "if i dont give him repercussion for his behavior, he will". I told him if he ever laid his hands on my family our marriage would be in serious trouble. That if he instigates a fist fight our marriage will not last. This infuriated him more. Am I supposed to stand by my spouse regardless of their behavior?


I'll give you my take on this situation as a former battered spouse who was married to not only an alcoholic, but a narcissist to boot. I, too, wondered if something was wrong with me. Was I being a good wife? Was my husband justified in becoming enraged when I questioned his authority? The thing is, I couldn't see clearly when I was in the middle of it. 

But one Sunday evening, when my ex's yelling and ranting turned into a threat to my life - and I finally realized it for what it was - I got out. Your husband is already threatening your brother with physical harm. It's just a hop, skip, and a jump to you being next. I sincerely hope your husband doesn't get physical. But the reality is, he very well may decide you "deserve" to be hit. 

At this point, you're tolerating cruel and unloving behavior from your husband. Don't let your fear and doubt hold you back from having a plan in place to leave quickly if he escalates to physical violence. I sincerely hope you will realize sooner rather than later that you deserve a helluva lot better than what this sick man is dishing out.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If anyone, family or not, was rude and offensive towards my husband, I would not have anything to do with them. There has to be
> consequences to bad behaviour.


Perhaps you should read ALL her threads.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Cooper said:
> 
> 
> > I can see many reasons why a family could dislike a spouse, the "consequences to bad behavior" go both ways.
> ...


Wow. Pride much?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> My husband is furious. He says by standing beside my brother at the alter that I am not supporting my husband and I am choosing my brother over him.


RN, as we discussed last July in your other thread, these attempts to come between you and your family members -- thus isolating you from them -- is exactly what you should expect if your H is a BPDer. Indeed, that behavior -- isolating you away from family and friends -- is item #3 on the list of 18 BPD warning signs I referred you to. 

If he is a pwBPD, his abandonment fear is so great that he cannot see that your remaining close to family benefits BOTH of you (because he will end up with a happier and healthier W). Instead, his fear distorts his perception. He thus mistakenly views all of your interactions with others to be a zero-sum game: i.e., any time or money you spend on friends and family comes at a direct cost to him. Moreover, he mistakenly views your decision to spend time with your brother and other family members as you choosing THEM over HIM.

I therefore join @*Sunsetmist* in cautioning "It is overwhelming living on the edge of a precipice. Be safe."


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I didn't read all the posts, or any of OP's other threads. But, it sounds to me like a bunch of teen-aged girls squabbling over petty stuff.
GROW UP PEOPLE.

If you want to be in the wedding.....do it. If hubby doesn't want to go, kiss him as you're on your way out the door and say "see ya when I get home" and be happy. 

I hate it when grown-ups act like 10 yro's.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

From your other thread:

"I have dated my husband for 5 years and married for 2. For 7 years he would threaten to leave me whenever we fought. Id usually confront him, hed say sorry, wed make up and move on. He said he wanted a divorce a few months ago. This time i couldn't get over it and confronted him about it. He said it was because i wasn't giving him enough affection and made him feel undesirable. That if i wanted it to stop i had to more affectionate. I have always held his hand, held him, kissed him gave him sex about 2-3 a week. Everyone who sees us tells us how in love we look. Im at a loss here. I admit i dont have as much sex as i used to but its hard to give affection to someone who tells u ur not good enough and they're not happy. I feel like im crazy. I told him that he puts me in a dark place when he does this and makes me not want to give affection but he insists i need to change. Am i really at fault here?"


I remember reading that thread before. Your family is right about your husband, and you should be listening to them, not him. What a jerk he is, expecting you to reward him for treating you like shyte. Do you really believe that this is how a healthy relationship works? Go participate in your brother's wedding. Then see if the family will help you get the hell out of there. 

|


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You married an abusive, controlling, insecure man.

How much reading have you done about abusive men? 

Are you aware that the #1 step abusive, controlling men do is force you to choose between your family and them?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> He said he wanted a divorce a few months ago. This time i couldn't get over it and confronted him about it. He said it was because i wasn't giving him enough affection and made him feel undesirable. That if i wanted it to stop i had to more affectionate.


Two things. First, my abusive ex-fiance told me once: "You're not mature enough; if you don't become 'more mature,' I'm going to have to leave you." Sound familiar?

Second, the SECOND most common thing abusers do is CHANGE THE RULES. If he says you have to do ABC to get him to stay, and you do ABC, he'll then say you really have to do XYZ to get him to stay. Why? Because as long as you are on the defensive, scrambling, moving marbles to get just the right combination that will make him finally happy, you don't have time or energy or inclination to question his bullsh*t actions. It's how they maintain control.

Have you read this book yet? You shouldn't be doing ANYTHING until you read it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Double post


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