# Hw do I have this talk with my husband?



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Okay, my husband and I have had some issue with sex in the past, both shy about talking about it, me low drive for a while, him using porn and lying to me about it.

Well we have worked through at lot of these issues and for the last couple of months things have been great. I've put way more effort into our sex life, he's put way more effort into keeping the romance alive.

That being said, I am having issues with some of the things my husband is doing in bed, mostly with oral sex and foreplay. It feels like sometimes he is pulling things he does in bed right from porn and it's thinks I don't like. I have asked him if he is trying to emulate porn and he says no, but he knows the porn was a sore issue for me so I am not sure if he would say yes if he was. 

I have talked to him before, but not much has changed. I don't know how to have this conversation so he doesn't feel like I am attacking him. I don't know if during sex I should be telling him what to do, but it feels like that would be a mood killer. He's not selfish and I know he want to please me in bed.

I am at the point where it is becoming frustrating and I have not been satisfied and have been faking it so it can be over. It's not like this all the time, most time I am very aroused before sex so things go great, but if I am not so much aroused before hand I find it hard sometimes for him to get me there and I end up faking it. I know that not good.

I am at the point now where I am avoiding sex but I don't want to be doing that as I want to be having sex with my husband as much as he would like and I would like to have it more and be able to orgasm. I feel like we are falling into our old sex patterns of him wanting it and me not cause it's not always pleasurable and sometimes painful. I don't think he realizes that woman take a lot to get there and it is in no way like it is in porn. We are not always hot and ready to go.. we need to be warmed up some.

The men on this board, how would you want your wife to approach you with this? I don't want him to think he's terrible in bed, I just want him to not emulate porn and for me to feel comfortable letting him know what I like.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you want him to know what you like, you have to tell him. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable to do that is your problem, not his, unless he has done something you haven't mentioned here to induce that feeling.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You don't want to be having this discussion DURING sex.

I'd say a short time afterwards would be best that way it seems more spontaneous and not like you've been brewing over it for months or years.

As you're laying there in what is supposed to be post coital bliss, you could say something like 'you know when we're making love and I blow you, I really don't like it when you splash all over my face, it sort of kills the mood for me'.

It will only seem awkward until you put it out there.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Get him the book She Comes First. It's kind of how to in oral.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A few ideas for you.

1) Don't correct him or direct him every single time you're in bed. Make small corrections but only very infrequently.
2) Use positive reinforcement much more than negative. Tell him one way or another when you are enjoying something. Smile. Moan. Afterwards say briefly how much you liked it when he xyz.
3) Talk positively and unemotionally to him during the day well away from the bedroom. I would structure this as a positive, team oriented project. "Hey, I want to have sex more often with you and I want us both to have fun. We don't really talk well about sex, and I'm not always comfortable talking about it, but I want to be able to so that we can make it more fun for both of us." This puts it is a team thing, and also reveals that it is a difficult topic for you which should help him open up and be receptive. Now you have to use the 3:1 ratio, where you say at least 3 good things for every negative thing.
4) I think it is fair play to bring up porn, but I'd do that in a totally different conversation. Don't link it to #3 above. But is your issue that he was watching porn? Was it lying about it that was the problem? Are you morally opposed to porn even existing? I'm not clear on what the current problem is when you think he may be emulating porn. He might find those acts alluring. He might be curious about those acts. One thing to keep in mind is he is doing it within the marriage with you, not going outside the marriage. Ok, you might not enjoy some particular sex acts which is fine, but what is the connection to the porn which is problematic to you? Once you figure this out you can communicate to him why it is unpleasant for you when he tries these things.
5) Try some games. His-night/Her-night is one which may work. Set up safe words, which means STOP or NO. This allows the other person to experiment safely. You set up rules ahead of time, and anything within those rules is fair game up until the safe word is said. On Her Night, you set up the scenario and you direct the action. He doesn't do anything unless you tell him to. Now this can be as vague or as specific as you want. This allows you to teach him how to do oral etc the way you like it, and thus divert him away from whatever it is you didn't like that he was doing. His Night is the opposite, where he sets the stage and directs the action. Since you have things you don't like, the safe word may get used. This is where you need to have the boundaries set ahead of time to hopefully avoid the safe word, and to set the context of positive exploration of each other's sexuality rather than you always saying "No" which has a negative feeling.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Get him the book She Comes First. It's kind of how to in oral.


If my partner handed me a "sex how to book" I'd be insulted. 

Especially if was this one.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Games would be great for actual instruction on what you like...since women are all different...and telling him you'd like some wooing for at least a period of time not to be less than, such and such seems like it's a turn off for him...but he's a man and ready almost all the time....hmmm....thinking....I guess it's his fault. He can figure it out since he made the problem. 

Sorry for all the sarcasm and irony. I guess it's how I tend to read these posts, now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Is it that acts, is it the way he interacts with you during? Do you feel they are demeaning? Do you feel they are dirty? Is this because you have seen them in porn or some other reason that you don't like them? Is he bad in bed or selfish? Do you just only like vanilla sex? 

I agree with the other post, you need to tell him what you like or don't like, there is no road map and everyone is different. Nothing wrong with guiding him with your hand. When he does it right tell him not to stop, so forth. Saying softer, harder, slower, faster. If he is attentive you shouldn't have to do it for long.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I happened to see your post. It made me think of a comment that was in a article from this site The Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire . She said that porn at times emulates what men want in sex. Men are not always getting ideas from porn, but the other way around. I know long before I ever saw porn, I wanted to give oral to a woman. Just a drive within me.

Your husband can sense you are avoiding sex. It's a bad feeling for him as well.

Don't discuss negatives in bed, and please check out some of the articles in site I mentioned above. Her site has helped my wife work thru some bad baggage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> She said that porn at times emulates what men want in sex. Men are not always getting ideas from porn, but the other way around.



Why hell yes! Do you think they could sell it if they made stuff that men didn't think about? Who would buy it? 

That's a great truth to help those who don't understand. I've never seen it posted before.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some thoughts:
Never fake - that just gives him the idea that what he is doing is working when it isn't. If an O isn't going to happen, just let him know, but don't put pressure on him.

Always make the statements positive unless he is doing something really awful. "Could you try doing XYZ - that would be fantastic.."

Be sure to ask what he wants as well. The things done in porn are often not good for men either - they are just there for visual effect.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In the spirit of teamwork, try having a "Let's learn about our bodies" session in bed. He can tell you/show you what he likes and vice versa. Keep it positive but truthful. When he does something you don't like, gently tell him that doesn't do it for you or it is painful or whatever your objection is This takes a lot of the guesswork out of sex and instills confidence in the partners. 

It doesn't really matter if he saw it in porn or thought it up all on his own. If it isn't pleasurable for you, then it's off the table.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There's no "right" way to do this. There are definitely wrong ways, of course, but most people (man or woman) will be even moderately insulted when you have this chat.

Here's the thing - most people (and I really emphasize that - _most_) are in a similar boat as you, or have been, or will be. Why? Because we're too afraid of talking to each other about this subject, or too worried about hurting our partners feelings. Rightfully so, of course, but all the same.

The only advice you need to listen to is "don't be critical". No matter how you say it, your husband will still be hurt, if even slightly.

8 years now with my wife (4 married) and we're still both giving each other pointers here and there. And we both still get slightly hurt by them.

Honestly, though, folks need to stop being so worried about talking openly about their sex life and their preferences.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Thank you for the advice. I guess I will approach my husband with the positive things I like and playfully suggest other things I would love or like to try. 

We are just really starting to get comfortable with each other and being more adventurous and playfull. I really don't want to put a damper on that.. 

As for the porn, there is nothing in most porn I've seen that disgust me or that I haven't or wouldn't do. It just seems that the moves are pretty Standard in all of them and I just like it a little different. I think we all have different ways that feel better for each of us. I know my husband wants to know these things, as he wants to please. I just don't want to hurt his feeling. 

Sent from my D2206 using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> The men on this board, how would you want your wife to approach you with this? I don't want him to think he's terrible in bed, I just want him to not emulate porn and for me to feel comfortable letting him know what I like.


You need to get over porn being something that threatens you as that is half the problem. Even if your husband is doing something completely spontaneous, odds are you will loose your mojo wondering if that is something he saw on a porn. 

So I would advise you to perhaps try and use porn to your favor. Research a few videos or instructional guides that are written out in the event videos offend you and give that to your husband to read. Then you can control and anticipate something new and fun that you want him to try. This should be fun for him as well, and you can ask him to share similar research with you on things he might want you to try. If you don't want him watching porn, you can limit him to something he might read in a book.

Here, order a few sexy things on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Passionista-Empowered-Womans-Pleasuring-Kerner/dp/0060834390/

https://www.amazon.com/Tantric-Massage-Beginners-Essential-Techniques/dp/1514131870/

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"he knows the porn was a sore issue for me"

well, maybe you should get over that. It seems to be ruining you sex life, trying to control your husband that way


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Mainstream porn is pretty repetitive and IMHO pretty dull. Things are done for visual effect, not because they feel good to either person.

If he gets his clues from porn, maybe find porn that is better at showing things that are actually enjoyable? Some of the high end amateur porn companies (like Abby Winters) show couples that are actually enjoying sex. Or if by "a little different" you included slightly kinky, there are amateur sites for that as well. 







Daisy12 said:


> Thank you for the advice. I guess I will approach my husband with the positive things I like and playfully suggest other things I would love or like to try.
> 
> We are just really starting to get comfortable with each other and being more adventurous and playfull. I really don't want to put a damper on that..
> 
> ...


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## Farmer (Sep 28, 2016)

I think you will find that most men REALTY want to please there woman in bed. It could be as other have mentioned that his is just looking for ideas to please you. If what you have seen in porn does not up set you, what would happen if you told your husband that you would like to try xyz? It may open the door to other conversations.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sex therapy can do wonders...if you make the effort not to be prudish and keep an open mind. A marriage coach can also help.


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