# How can I be a better wife?



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

We have been married over 20 years. 

We know each others little (and big) irritations and habits.

We have "labelled" some of those irritations + habits. For example he will say something like........... "now dont start moaning..........." when a situation arises where I MAY have a little whinge (like in the car) 

I would like to change so he doesnt make these assumptions about me. I want to be a better wife. 

How long before he will notice do you think? And being a MAN, do you think he would notice at all??:scratchhead:


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

lol, I think in some way that's what's great about long term marriage. Generally speaking you can expect a tiger to change his stripes. Each of us have our own personality quirks that developed over our lifetime. On things like what you talk about above it's what makes you, you. I think after 20 years you know what each other is going to do with a high degree of certainty within a situation. My wife and I have been married over 10 and we are that way as well.

There is something comforting about knowing your spouse that well. Honestly if it's not a truly destructive habit, why change it? The key (IMO) to marriage is not changing each other, but accepting and loving each other for how we each are.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I am trying to work on this issue too. Have you heard of the 'Love dare' book? Its predominately a US publication but I got a copy on UK Amazon no problem. Its a 40 day programme to challenge how you think about your relationship. I am on day 20 and it certainly has made me look at myself - the bad and also the good. I'm in a slightly different situation to you in that my oh has no wish to get out of the rut we're in so I'm tackling it on my own, I think it would be really powerful if you worked it through as a couple.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Willow said:


> I am trying to work on this issue too. Have you heard of the 'Love dare' book? Its predominately a US publication but I got a copy on UK Amazon no problem. Its a 40 day programme to challenge how you think about your relationship. I am on day 20 and it certainly has made me look at myself - the bad and also the good. I'm in a slightly different situation to you in that my oh has no wish to get out of the rut we're in so I'm tackling it on my own, I think it would be really powerful if you worked it through as a couple.


Can you tell me what the Author of this book is please? Sounds interesting. I think I would work through it alone, since my hubby wouldnt be interested in anything like that either.:scratchhead:


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

I myself are trying to work that out but we all know that no one is perfect especially when it comes with two people trying to accept one another. And the more I tried to be a better wife, the more frustrating I become. 

My relationship was on the verge of breaking up. Then I ask God for help and he gladly help us. We just got to take it slowly and let it pass by like it was another bump on the road. We are imperfect to begin with and will always be. 

Remember to take it easy one step at a time. And the best sacrifices in a relationship is to be yourself and accept him for who he is.


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## 13878 (Jun 21, 2010)

Firstly, I firmly believe that you should alter your perspective on men. Not all men don't notice little things. Many are extremely observant. 

I would recommend that, if you haven't been, that you should take proper care of your health. This can do a lot with regards to getting easily upset (i.e. moaning). Take Vitamin D (but of course ask your doctor to make sure you are able to). Vitamin D is said to dramatically improve mood and energy.

Try something new with your wardrobe and makeup. It can definitely add some excitement to your marriage. I would also recommend that you sit down with your husband, and in a VERY sweet way, gently ask him what you can do to be a better wife.

Take what he says (even if you think it's silly) and take immediate action. I can't tell you how huge of a difference this alone will make in your marriage. Good luck!


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> Can you tell me what the Author of this book is please? Sounds interesting. I think I would work through it alone, since my hubby wouldnt be interested in anything like that either.:scratchhead:


Its authors are Stephen and Alex Kendrick, there is also a website where you can download the first 5 chapters to get a feel for it, its The Love Dare 
Some of it is very targetted to Christianity but for most of them you can re-script it to work to your own beliefs and still get the gist of the day challenges. 

I'm on day 25 and its certainly made me think about how I interact in relationships, not only with my husband but also with the kids too!


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

perfectlovehere said:


> Firstly, I firmly believe that you should alter your perspective on men. Not all men don't notice little things. Many are extremely observant.
> 
> I would recommend that, if you haven't been, that you should take proper care of your health. This can do a lot with regards to getting easily upset (i.e. moaning). Take Vitamin D (but of course ask your doctor to make sure you are able to). Vitamin D is said to dramatically improve mood and energy.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this is very helpful :iagree:

I do not want him to think I moan and complain all the time. I dont want him to see me as flying off the handle with every little upset. I want him to enjoy and treasure me being his wife. And I believe once I start looking after myself and being a nicer person, he will follow my lead and we will be closer hopefully.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

The other book that gets cited a lot is the "5 love languages", which is basically a way to understand what your husband perceives as loving. If you are doing things that you perceive as loving, but he doesn't, it can lead to frustration on both parts. ie. You clean the house for him, get him coffee in bed (acts of services) when he really wants physical affection. You're thinking, but I'm acting in a loving way, and he is feeling like his needs aren't met. 

It may be worth a read.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Also, in addition to the whining, think of the positive things you can do. My DH's love language is touch. He loves those drive by caresses, massages and whatnot. I positively HATE giving massages. And I would never do drive by touches without extreme concious thought. So I put my best effort into that concious thought. And I try really hard to do massages.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Not sure I would like all that religious banter in those books. Any other books you can suggest?


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Turnera kindly recommended 'His Needs, Her Needs' to me- although my situation is different to yours I would have found it a good read with some interesting perspectives even if we were not in the crisis we are in. I'd say its definitely worth a look!


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## LFC (Jul 14, 2010)

Sorry to be direct.Blow jobs are a good start.
Don't talk too much when he first come in from work.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Okay, if you are serious about this, read: "Care and Feeding of Husbands." If you're a feminist, or left-leaning, you'll probably find it a bit offensive. But it does successfully articulate what most men really want: To feel strong, to feel like a good lover, to feel appreciated, to feel like they are the protector. 

Truthfully, that's the book that most described what I want from a woman.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Okay, if you are serious about this, read: "Care and Feeding of Husbands." If you're a feminist, or left-leaning, you'll probably find it a bit offensive. But it does successfully articulate what most men really want: To feel strong, to feel like a good lover, to feel appreciated, to feel like they are the protector.
> 
> Truthfully, that's the book that most described what I want from a woman.


What a coincidence. :lol: This is the book I have ordered from Amazon. When it arrives and I have read it, I will let everyone know what I think.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

LFC said:


> Sorry to be direct.Blow jobs are a good start.
> Don't talk too much when he first come in from work.


So.... a blow job when he comes in from work 

Actually, yeah not talking too much when he comes home is a good idea, unless he wants to chat first. Mine usually likes to tell me about his day:sleeping:

Anything I have to say I leave til later when I feel he has relaxed enough to listen.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Dame Edna, please let me know what you think of 'The Care and Feeding...' , its one I've considered getting hold of. 

The transition from work to home is vital to my h and it took me a long time to 'get' that. He needs to be acknowledged, greeted but then needs alot of space to get himself organised, do things for him. He'll often go out again- cycling, walking, and its only when he's home watching the news at 10 that he'll be able to hold a conversation. Sometimes on very stressed workdays not even then, and unless its showstopper urgent i've learned to keep things til there's a better time.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Willow said:


> The transition from work to home is vital to my h and it took me a long time to 'get' that. He needs to be acknowledged, greeted but then needs alot of space to get himself organised, do things for him. He'll often go out again- cycling, walking, and its only when he's home watching the news at 10 that he'll be able to hold a conversation. Sometimes on very stressed workdays not even then, and unless its showstopper urgent i've learned to keep things til there's a better time.


:scratchhead::scratchhead:No talking, conversation, etc till he's sitting comfortably in his chair at 10?? Did I just drop into a timewarp into the 1950's? What could be so damn stressful about work they they would be unable to have meaningful conversations with their own spouse? Honestly your husbands need to learn to leave work at work. I refuse to bring the stresses of work home, my family does not deserve having less of me just because I may have had a bad day at work.

Seriously, you are his WIFE even if he is stressed about something, he should then be talking more to you about it. You are his mate, his lover and his friend. Why wouldn't he share his innermost thoughts and intimate details about things?


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> :scratchhead::scratchhead:No talking, conversation, etc till he's sitting comfortably in his chair at 10?? Did I just drop into a timewarp into the 1950's? What could be so damn stressful about work they they would be unable to have meaningful conversations with their own spouse? Honestly your husbands need to learn to leave work at work. I refuse to bring the stresses of work home, my family does not deserve having less of me just because I may have had a bad day at work.
> 
> Seriously, you are his WIFE even if he is stressed about something, he should then be talking more to you about it. You are his mate, his lover and his friend. Why wouldn't he share his innermost thoughts and intimate details about things?


Oh gosh I can see why you'd read it as that! I'm not saying he won't ever talk, just that evening time transition is not the time to talk, in the same way that I am incapable of any meaningful or civil conversation pre 8am, even if I get up at 5. In the past I used to rush around during the day to get everything done so I could spend time with him straightaway, now I cut myself some slack during the day, have the necessary spaces he needs cleared and get on with other things. I'm not a big tv watcher, tend to do more practical stuff, so I needed that schedule tweak.

He does have a high pressure job and I am often his sounding board as he works through a situation, he just isn't often ready straight after work and his commute.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think it is GREAT that you are asking this very question, more of us should do this & many many marraiges would be saved- and SO much happier. I wasn't always the most attentive to my husband. I wish I would have bought that "Proper care & feeding of husbands" Book mentioned ages ago, but I did not, even though I loved listening to Dr. Laura on the radio quite often. I think I listened more to her advice about children -than marraiges. 

Not all men are the same, just as not all women are the same, then we have our differing Love Languages on top of that. 1st seek to understand what his primary Love Language is & go out of your way to meet it -daily. 

Things I didn't do either daily or very entusiastically back in the day -that I do NOW -with much heartfelt Enthusiam & Joy -I try to list below - WOW, what a difference in My & HIS happiness & the explosion in wanting to be more intimate. 

1. Get up & cook his breakfast every morning, pack his lunch 
daily, Caring about what he is eating -for his health, cause
I want him to be around a long long time, for us , for our 
family. 

2. Take more interest in how I look around him, not wearing 
old Grandma Nightgowns to bed assuming since he married
me, it was no longer necessary to "turn him on". 
So now I love shopping for new & exciting lingerie & 
surprising him, something I should have been doing the last 
20 yrs. 

3. Not bringing our younger kids to bed with us, but 
turning them away so he knows HE is my priority & our time
 together is something I desire. 

4. Planning vacations for just the 2 of us, overnight & 
alone, realizing we need & deserve this time to rekindle, 
reflect, and simply enjoy the moment. Never did this as we 
always made it about "the kids" , what they would enjoy, 
putting ourselves on the back burner. 

5. Not always having the lights off when we make love (he 
always wanted on, I balked), not always being so quiet, but 
learning to express what I loved that he was doing, what I 
wanted more of, letting go of previous inhibitions in the 
bedroom, not being embarrassed to moan a little. 

6. Going above & beyond to pleasure him with Bj's, and touch 
every night. This is a complete turn around for me as a 
wife. At one time, I would only give a half hearted BJ as 
a Bribe for something I wanted. Quite pathetic looking 
back, embarrassed to even say, but true.


I know most of my examples are sex related, just because that is where *my* husband struggled the most -with me. He wanted more, but I was "aloof" . 

If your husband has Acts of Service as his primary, maybe he would feel more loved /content /happy if more was done around the house before he got home , as an example. Maybe the sex life is great, but other things suffer. We all have a different story to sort out. 

All I know is Me changing did as much FOR ME as it did for him, the rush of Passion, that lusty desire for each other. Nothing better in life. But my hubby's primary love language is Physical Touch. And I was neglecing him for a long long time in this area. 

I have a feeling Dr. Laura's book would be talking ALOT about this particular issue. 

Let us know about the book!


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## Liam_680 (Aug 31, 2010)

Since your man knows all your small and big irritations, your pros and cons and every little habit that you do, changing for him and being a better wife is something that he will definitely notice at once.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ok, it's crude, but simple. "Testicles empty, belly full." Men are the simplest of all life forms. If women would master just those two skills, help watch the finances, and treat a man with a smidge of respect, I believe 95% of domestic problems would vanish.


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Well, I am back to tell you what I thought of the Book "Care + Feeding of Husbands"

Once you had read the first couple of chapters on tending to their every need etc, the rest of the book went round in circles saying exactly the same thing. The point was made in the first chapter or two, and the rest got quickly repetitive.

The bin (trash can) was a good place to leave it:sleeping:

:rofl:

I have made a couple of mental notes though. Just gotta follow them thru


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

LOL - I thought you comments on the book were pretty funny. As I warned you:



> Okay, if you are serious about this, read: "Care and Feeding of Husbands." If you're a feminist, or left-leaning, you'll probably find it a bit offensive. But it does successfully articulate what most men really want: To feel strong, to feel like a good lover, to feel appreciated, to feel like they are the protector.


Dr Laura is a bit of nut, but she doesn't successful articulate what guys want. We don't expect everything, but men have pretty fragile ego's when it comes to sex and desire. A woman who makes us feel strong and sexually attractive goes a long way.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> We have been married over 20 years.
> 
> We know each others little (and big) irritations and habits.
> 
> ...



I would suggest trying to be more deliberate about actually thinking about what you want to say, why you are saying it, how you are feeling about it, and the way you say it. IOW to break out of a habit or a pattern, try to put the brakes on your "automatic" reaction to a situation and really think about it.

Play around with it, change things up a little bit, be empirical.

If you always react to a certain annoying situation the same way, try changing your reaction.

You mentioned a whinge in the car but unfortunately you don't say what it was about. Your concern may be perfectly legitimate and the only real "problem" is the way you communicate it.

Oftentimes when we are upset about something else or stressed out some minor irritation causes us to lash out in a sarcastic manner at our partner. 

What I try to do when I fall into one of these automatic patterned responses is to at least catch myself and apologize for it.

For example if I'm rude or sarcastic to my wife about some minor issue, I will try to catch myself and say: "Wow I'm sorry I said that/I'm sorry I was sarcastic. I apologize, I love you, it's just I'm feeling stressed about [whatever is actually bothering me at the time]." Then if circumstances permit I will actually try to give her a hug to show I really love her.

If we're in the car and I cannot hug her, then after apologizing for being nasty I will reach my hand out to hers and briefly hold hands (can't be an unsafe driver after all).

So it's just working on the little things that can help a lot.


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## marco100 (Nov 25, 2010)

DameEdna said:


> Thank you, this is very helpful :iagree:
> 
> I do not want him to think I moan and complain all the time. I dont want him to see me as flying off the handle with every little upset. I want him to enjoy and treasure me being his wife. And I believe once I start looking after myself and being a nicer person, he will follow my lead and we will be closer hopefully.


The easiest thing to do is to make a deliberate point of hugging him more frequently. This may be a behavior change but it's pretty easy and well worth it once you get used to it. Doing it at random is pretty good. If you are just sitting there watching tv or something make a point of getting up and going over to him and asking for a hug. If he says why just say "I feel like it" and smile. 

I know this sounds pretty simplistic but it actually works pretty well and there's no downside I can see. As the woman you might have to initiate but the point is some nice hugs can be pretty addictive.


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