# Am I going crazy or am I justified?



## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Ok i've been Married for 13 years now and for the most part it is great, we have 2 awesome kids a boy 9 and a girl 6(My world revolves around them.) my wife was 19 when I met her and I was 27, She was a virgin(only been on one date before) and I had been Married once before(She had a PA) for 3 years while in the Military(the only other woman I have been with)...So here is the problem, about 10 years ago we started hanging out with another couple I'll call them George and Gracy we would go to movies, dinner, camping...things where fine and the when my wife turned 21 Gracy wanted to take my wife out for a "girls night out" I had no problem with this...I told my wife she could dance with the girls but we have a rule "We don't dance with strangers"...it has to be friends or friends spouses, OK heres the problem I new sometimes George would go out with them and my wife would dance with him( Not A problem) I liked him being there in case someone got out of hand but one evening I went out with them and what I saw shocked me! They where all doing this Dirty dancing crap...I wen't out to the Dance floor and said WTF! everybody including my wife told me to calm down and that it was just Dancing! Gracie then grabbed my hands and put them on her hipps and started slowly rubbing her Butt on me...I didnt much care for it! and the "good time mood" was broken. Afterward I told my wife that I don't mind her dancing with George but I did'nt mean like that! She told me that It's just dancing and she would never cheat on me! I began calm down and wonder if maybe I was over reacting...Long story short George and Gracy Divorced due to George not having any ambition and we stopped seeing them for years after they split...this dancing thing never came up after our first child was born...we have always been really happy but about a month ago my wife and I went to a casino and had a great time Until we got to the Dance Floor and then all these memories just hit me...and I could'nt wait to get out of there...I asked my wife if there had been anything going on with George...here is her official line: 
1. We just danced.
2. There was no sex or exchange of bodily fluids what so ever.
3. He never hit on me. 
4. I admit that kind of dancing is not appropriate but I was young and thats just how people danced.
5. I won't do it again.

I don't think my wife had a PA but im not sure about a EA, I can't stop mulling this over in my mind, I keep replaying it. I suggested going to counseling( for this and some communnication issues) but she says im the one that needs it and theres no problem...I just don't know what to do or say and I would really like to get a female point of view on this matter, Thanks for your time.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry,but this is a man here.Hope you don't mind my 2 cts.You're probably making a mountain out of a molehill.That happened a long time ago and like your wife said she now finds it inappropriate.She's matured as a person.Has she been a good wife and mother? You haven't said otherwise,so just love,respect and trust the woman she is now.Did you not do anything when you were younger that you find inappropriate now?By the way,why aren't you taking your wife out to dance yourself once in awhile?She would probably love it if you did.Take care.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I agree w/ TBT. People sometimes do things that are just immature ( ie, stupid), but they really don't mean much. In that context, I wouldn't be alarmed. If you don't see any other inappropriate behavior, don't obsess over this. Be well.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has your wife given you any reason not to trust her in recent years? Don't let past insecurities rob you of a future with your wife and children. Concentrate on those blessings you have today. Let the past stay in the past.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow. I wish my husband would have only danced 10 years ago! You are a very lucky spouse if that is your reason for posting in Coping with Infidelity. Count your blessings. Leave the past behind.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You just had what is called a "trigger". Getting on the dance floor with your wife triggered a return of the shocking memories of seeing your young wife dirty dancing with George. All the emotions and shock of that sight hit you again. I think that you were a little surprised that the memory affected you like it did and were a little overwhelmed.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are having triggers....


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't know. It seems strange that she would say that there was no sex or exchange of bodily fluids. It implies that there were other things that they did do.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I don't know. It seems strange that she would say that there was no sex or exchange of bodily fluids. It implies that there were other things that they did do.


Yes, I agree with you, such a response is strange. Did you specifically her this particular question, or did you just in general ask what happened and she then answered with said reply? I think that is important. In once sense I agree with the others that this isn't a big deal...IF she is giving you the full story. But she may very well not be. It also doesn't bode well that she is being defensive. What I would do is this: sit your wife down for a "talk". Tell her you want to discuss something important so she knows to take it seriously. Then begin by saying unequivocally that you have there suspicions/worries/anxieties etc regarding the dirty george dancing. Just share that it is really bothering you and that you'd like to get over it and move on. Make it clear that you aren't accusing her of anything but that you'd just like to dispell these worries etc. If she loves you she should understand where you're coming from and be willing, for your sake, to help you get past this. She has nothing to hide afterall, right. Now, if she gets defensive, I think that is a red flag. Try again, calmly, clearly, rationally, to explain that this is very important to you. She should let her guard down if she has nothing to hide, just as a potential suspect will willingly go into a police station for questioning if he is innocent. So watch for that. If she is defensive about discussing this I would worry. Now if she agrees to discuss it, start the questions slowly, moving from small issues onward. Don't ask if they slept together but ask stuff like, did you and george ever speak alone (Texting, phone calls etc). Yes? No? Did you two ever hang out together alone? Yes? No? Start with that line of questioning and see what she says. If she is being truthful from the start she should be able to provide detailed, expansive descriptions concerning
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Their friendship. Now if she admits stuff like, yes we spoke on the phone quite a bit, or hung out together, or says anything that in any way contradicts her initial story she gave you...red flag. She is tricke truthing you in that case. If that's the case I would suspect the worse, or something worse than what she's told you so far. You'd have to keep digging and trying to get her to be honest with you. You could say, if she changes her story at all from the first version, that she must come fully clean now or else it's a problem. Now all this being said, i'm giving you this advice if it's the worst case scenario. It may very well be that she's already told you everything and you have nothing to worry about. But you shouldn't, I believe assume that yet. Her being defensive about this and her saying "no fluids were exchanged" is pretty suspect IMO. in saying no fluids were exchanged it seems to suggest, at the least, that SOMETHING was going on, whether an EA or something physical. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I don't know. It seems strange that she would say that there was no sex or exchange of bodily fluids. It implies that there were other things that they did do.


Not if her replies were in response to his specific questions.Maybe those are the parameters he chose.


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## ahhnold (Mar 28, 2012)

what's with all the acronym talk ??? What is a PA and what is a EA ???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

ahhnold said:


> what's with all the acronym talk ??? What is a PA and what is a EA ???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PA-physical affair

EA-emotional affair


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Her saying no exchange of bodily fluid, or sexual intercourse occured is her quoting our "Rules of Indfidelity"...sorry I should have been more clear on that. and she has never been alone with George at all... our "Rule of Social Interaction" States if my spouse:

1.Doesnt know you well
2.Like you
3.Trust you 
I don't interact with you, and of course that applies to my wife as well, There are some issues Im having with PTSD and Deppresion, does anyone think this might be why I'm going off on this!

Whats a Trigger?

Thank you all for helping find some comfort!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Get therapy for yourself. It will help with your OCD about this matter. You are obsessing which causes your brain to compulse.

A trigger is a mental reminder about something that happened and it throws you back into that old situation.


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife says shes not being defensive, she just does'nt understand why it keeps coming up and she does'nt understand why now after all this time.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Do you tend to be obsessive in other areas of your life?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Fremen,

Your wife is a frickin angel compared to some of the spouses we have on this site.

SHe obviously has grown up so you should do the same and move on.

If she has never given you any reason to doubt her do not start now.

Keep moving forward and stop thinking of the past. Every young girl does some dirty dancing. As long as she kept her clothes on nothing else happened.

Good Luck,

HM64


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Fremen, I asked the above question, because if you have an obsessive personality, that is one area that responds well to cognitive therapy. You might want to look into that, if you think it's appropriate.


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Yeah I think everyone is right, I talk to my wife and she has assured me that she has never cheated on me nor would she and she was young and dumb just turned 21, and thats how everyone danced at the time but it was stupid and she grew out it(It's nothing I've never done!).

And yes I do have a dendancy to fixate on things(Compulse?)

What is cognative therapy?


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

The Follow up:
Ok so things have been okay...but my wife did tell me that last October George sent her a text message that was way out of line in it he said that "he had a dream about her naked in his bedroom and in the dream they had sex, My wife replied "that will never happen I would never cheat on my husband and even if I wasn't married I would'nt be with you!" My wife then unfriended him on FB(and so did I) and blocked his number on her phone...I just found this out and I was PISSED OFF, My wife said she was afraid to tell me because I might kill George and she maintains she did the right thing...I let her know that She is to never lie to me again even to save my feelings...I won't stand for it. So now my problem is what do I do about this guy? Should I let it go, should I confront him(he's engaged and doing this crap!) please advise.


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## Softly Walking (May 4, 2011)

fremen63 said:


> The Follow up:
> Ok so things have been okay...but my wife did tell me that last October George sent her a text message that was way out of line in it he said that "he had a dream about her naked in his bedroom and in the dream they had sex, My wife replied "that will never happen I would never cheat on my husband and even if I wasn't married I would'nt be with you!" My wife then unfriended him on FB(and so did I) and blocked his number on her phone...I just found this out and I was PISSED OFF, My wife said she was afraid to tell me because I might kill George and she maintains she did the right thing...I let her know that She is to never lie to me again even to save my feelings...I won't stand for it. So now my problem is what do I do about this guy? Should I let it go, should I confront him(he's engaged and doing this crap!) please advise.


She did do the right thing. Are you her husband or her father? Do you feel she is too stupid to handle an issue on her own with out running to you to get verification for doing the right thing? Or is this more about control? Did you want to be the one to reply and block him yourself?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

First off, you're right! Dirty dancing with other people while you're married is totally unfair and not tolerable. [at least that's how I think it should be]! It's true your wife was immature back then. 
Although you should have been past that if it was JUST that.

As for him sending her a text message what a coward!!!!!
She was hiding the truth from you and you were right for getting pissed off!!!! 

Her concerns should be your concerns and other way around. And if that message was bothering her she should have told you *right away*. PERIOD.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Softly Walking said:


> She did do the right thing. Are you her husband or her father? Do you feel she is too stupid to handle an issue on her own with out running to you to get verification for doing the right thing? Or is this more about control? Did you want to be the one to reply and block him yourself?


It's not a matter of being in control as it is a matter of husband's RIGHT TO KNOW that his wife was receiving sexual text messages from another man.
He should have been informed. That doesn't mean his wife was not able to defend herself in front of the other man.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Your wife definitely had the opportunity to let you know about this text,if not in October then at least when you re-visited the issue in March.She however chose to lie by omission,and you are right to be angry.Her saying she was afraid to tell you seems odd because what happened that she's not afraid to admit it now.BTW you said in your OP that you never saw George for years,so had he recently come back into your personal lives again on a more frequent basis? If he has then that may or may not have a bearing on what's been going on with you and your wife in the last little while.


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

George contacted both of us on facebook about a year ago, we had all been friends for along time with no issue(LOL except the stupid dancing!) as for her not telling me out of fear...I dont blame her there is no violence in our home but since I got back from overseas I have been sort of tense and have found myself yelling and getting angry more than I used to. But now I am having a problem believing my wife 100% she swears ther was no PA and she would not do that to me or our kids...I just dont know where to go from here.


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

@lovelygirl i agree, up until recent I have never been a controlling/Jealous guy. Im kinda over the dancing thing, I think it was just a case of thats how everybody else was dancing at that time(1997) and I told her I did'nt like it(even though I did it to) and she agreed and stopped kinda a mutal agreement as for george and his exwife? We where all friends until they got divorced in 2005 and they both dropped of the radar until my wife and I got FB accounts...and they both friend requested us...no problem I did'nt even have a problem with them playing Droid App games, but then out of the blue she said he started getting weird...I believe she told him off...but omitting the fact to not upset me sent me for a loop...the reason she finally told me is that I have been asking alot of questions in the past couple months because I could tell something was not right...BTW thank you all for your help!


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

@walkingsoftly, agreed and no, my opinion was that she needs to handle this, I just wish she felt safe enough around me to tell me then I would'nt be so angry, Ive been...diffucult... in the past few years and I feel that Im to blame for her being scared, I'm supposed to start counseling for PTSD and depression in a month(theres a waiting list) and she said she would go with me...but no I dont think shes stupid.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

fremen63 said:


> I think it was just a case of thats how everybody else was dancing at that time(1997) and I told her I did'nt like it(even though I did it to) a!


I don't think you should related it to the time/year. Even know, those lap dances with someone who's not your partner are not acceptable (in my book). It's all about the boundaries you and your wife agree on, regardless of the year we're in. 
The core concept of infidelity/inappropriate actions don't change much between years.


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## fremen63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree, but we where young and dumb and having fun and after word both decided that it was stupid and decided that it was innapropriate and yeah we came up with rules of conduct so to speak, I mean Im not going to split with my wife over dancing that occured 12 years ago...we grew up!


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