# Guilt about wanting out



## Theenie

The problems in my relationship could fit many of the forum categories but due to addiction being a large part of the issue I chose this section. This is my first post and stumbled upon this site trying to find answers to some of my relationship problems. 

I have been with the same person for 5.5 years and is my first serious relationship, there are no children for either and are engaged. We have been engaged for 3 years. I have put off the actual marriage because basically soon after we got engaged we had problem after problem. It all started as little things like he'd be home late and I'd find out he lied about why. Then it became big things like "lost wallets" with all his recently cashed pay cheque. Or he didn't realize he took so much cash out and wasnt even aware he had spent so much money buying some fries here and a shirt there (but when questioned about when/where and where are these items hed get angry). As time wore on he became more and more callous to my feelings and due to abandonment issues stemming from my mother leaving it made me cling more to him.

I thought for sure he was cheating on me and it made me want him more and more because I needed to 'prove' I was good enough. Needless to say for the vast majority of the time it was a very dysfunctional relationship. Anyways, later on I found out (via people telling me hey did drugs with him and finding evidence) he developed a serious drug addiction about the time we got engaged and that is where all the money and time was going. He would go to work and could hide it enough that unless you were me and saw the missing money and time or did it with him you'd never guess. His teeth didnt rot, he was always seemingly normal at family functions... he wasnt injecting so no track marks....but then hed be gone for 12 hours and say he just needed to get out for a bit and I was suffocating him. I felt like he was trying to escape me so i told no one of him disappearing all the time out of shame.

I confronted him with the evidence (residue, 'tools', texts etc) and he admitted it but said it was just at a party one time, but I knew he was lying. Since then it has gotten worse, I offered to support him through rehab, offered to control his money, get counseling myself many many times and nothing changes. He still disappears and so does large chunks of cash, I even got up one day and left him for a week and he didnt even text me once to ask where i was! 


I know from reading these boards that guilt is super common, but I just feel like sometimes it is all my fault and if i was just a better, prettier, nicer person hed never have turned to drugs. I dont want to deal with it and want to move on but feel like i turned him this way by not being enough and i should be the one to clean the mess up i caused.

I know I have my own issues with body image, rejection and abandonment issues and need to work those out before being able to help anyone but at the same time those issues make me feel like it is all my fault


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## Bartimaus

Perhaps I shouldn't reply to this but I have to because you seem so understanding and patient. 
Are you leaving out some information? First of all,what is his problem or why does he do the things you say? There is a reason and you need to learn why he does this drug and missing person role. Unless it is because of the earlier problems you guys have had then I don't know what to tell you because you now seem to be doing what most women would refuse to do for him and the relationship.


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## Prodigal

Theenie said:


> I just feel like sometimes it is all my fault and if i was just a better, prettier, nicer person hed never have turned to drugs. I dont want to deal with it and want to move on but feel like i turned him this way by not being enough and i should be the one to clean the mess up i caused.


Here's one of the first things I was taught in my own recovery through Al-Anon:

I didn't CAUSE it; I can't CONTROL it; and I can't CURE it.

You left for a week, and he didn't care. If your being there or being better or smarter or prettier, etc., would get him clean, he wouldn't keep using, would he? If we could all love or make addicts get clean and/or sober, there wouldn't be any addicts in the world.

What you have right now might be as good as it ever gets, and it can get a whole lot worse. Are you willing to stay? If you decide to stay, how about getting help for yourself?


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## LovetheDaisy

You need to leave him. You also need to work on your codependent issues. You cannot fix him, even though you love him. When you left and he didn't even try to find you, that is a sure sign that he is SO consumed with his drug use, that you are not thought of above his drugs. I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is fact. I have experienced most of what you are going through and it sucks. But, the cold hard facts are that you need to FIX YOU. You need to work on your internal issues and let this man find his path. No reason to feel guilty, you didn't make him take the drugs, he chose them. You need to deal with your insecurities and the reason why you feel compelled to be treated like dirt, just to have someone around.

Love yourself, sister and walk away.


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## gonefishin

Theenie.

Relationships will always fail or struggle when there is addiction, abuse, or basic mistrust.

You need to think long and hard about getting married to this man. 
Keep in mind it will not get any easier when you have children.

Sounds like you deserve better.


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## Theenie

Thank you, in regards o if I am leaving anything out feel free to ask anything if it helps to make a bigger picture.

I stayed at a friends last night but came back home this morning. The logical side of me says to leave him for good but when i really think of it I become very anxious. I have been with him since I was 18 and just feel like he is my only option in life or it is forever alone for me. I can honestly say there are others out there who would find me attractive, I am a bit chubby and not model gorgeous but im also not someone youd murder on the spot to ensure I couldn't ever breed. I think a large part of the issues is I deal with issues from childhood I need to resolve before i can be in any relationship and one this unhealthy is 1000 times worse for trying to better myself.

It is just hard as anytime I try and do anything good for myself he does something that causes it not to matter. Like recently i got my drivers learners permit and even drove with a friend a few times since. Even though i should have done it years ago, just that one simple step for myself made me feel really proud of myself as i have always been terrified of driving. Yet a day later the landlord is callingb about unpaid rent when he told me it was paid. yes I was stupid for believing him and now know to never believe anything he may say as he lies so carelessly. It just totally destroyed my elation at doing something positive for myself. There are many cases of this where I do something good for me or us and then I come home to him and he tells me how 'retarded' it is I'm happy about something so stupid.

I know he was molested as a child and perhaps that could be part of what led him to drugs as we moved back to his hometown about a year in to the relationship (where the man still lives who did it), or he is just deciding he is young and wants to 'have fun' because the engagement scared him? I really have no clue and if i try and get him to open up he gets angry. 

Sometimes I just feel like I am clinging to a sinking ship when there is a rescue boat a hundred yards away because I am too terrified to just jump and swim. I know no one can fix this but him and I and no one can make me see sense but me. I really am so hurt and want to move on and be done with all the fighting and lies but at the same time it feels impossible to do so, I deserve this situation or it terrifies me to a near anxiety attack.


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## Cherry

Drug addiction is a baffling thing in life. My H is a recovering crack addict. You will never know for sure if they will relapse. The statistics prove that. It has been 4 years clean for my H. What your H is doing now is something you should always anticipate happening in your marriage. Can you tolerate it? You are. Do you want to live like this for life? Chances are no. So when your H is clean, off drugs, how is he? That's who you want, right? If you can tolerate him on a relapse, this relationship can survive. Can you talk to him when he is sober? That's the man you need to talk to. Can you find out if he hates using drugs (these kinds of questions when he is in a sober moment). These addicts can be amazing people sober, my H is now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry

Oh and he more than likely relapsed because he moved back to his old using town. Encourage a move if you plan to stay with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin

Theenie.
You need to build your self esteem. The last thing you should be thinking about here is wether you will find someone else. Do not worry about that. Worry about your self and your future.
Take a year, make some goals for your self and make them happen. Train for a road race, take some college courses. You know what to do. Life is short. Do not waste your time.


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## Calisha Brown

Every relationship needs a care and its in our hands that how we pretend and understand our partner. So if that ends there is nothing. I think you should start life in a new point of view.


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