# When to Say When, enough, or keep fighting?



## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

So recently I posted this situation(Below) in another area and since the post a lot has happened. I need advice from other men and women who can give advice on what I should do. I have been married to this man for 4 years and been togehter for 9.5 years, since I was 17. For the last 9.5 years he has always told me I have control issues, and I talk down to people, and that I am always the one causing the problems in the relationshisp. Until very recently I have realized I may be part of the big picture here but, there is a much larger piece of the puzzle to which I was not aware of. My husband as always been a man who gets very angry easily, and takes it out on me. When he gets angry he calls me names uses 4 letter words, and really puts me down. Also he tends to have an agry way about him most of the time, he speaks in a tone which can be very angry. I often find myself asking him if he is mad or angry? He typically answers no. I also always find myself trying to change what I do so I do not make him mad or upset, although until recently I did not realize I was doing this. If we got into an argument it seemed like if he did not want to to talk about it, the conversation was over and he ignored me. I always felt unimportant and what I said never mattered. He discounts what I say, and always will say thats your story, or whatever. Someone recently made me aware that this is verbal abuse and I was being controlled by him without even knowing it. I now know they are right and I am starting to realize that when I apologize or make excuses for him and his actions to myself or others, I feed the fire. SO for the last few days I have been trying to stand up for myself and he still continues to try to push me (not physically), and ignore what I say. I feel like finally I know what a large part of the problem in our marriage is and I want to fix it. However he expects me to just forget about the past and move on like nothing happened, he wanted sex last night and I told him I needed some time I was not ready for that, and I that I enjoyed the evening we had together, but that I needed some time. Instead of responding to me he just said "whatever" and moved onto another area on the sofa, and acted like he was going to fall asleep. I tried to explain why I felt that way but he continues saying whatever and "thats your story" to me. Again discounting my feelings. He has agreed to counseling and we have anappointment Monday evening. Do I give this man a chance and stay in the home and see what happens or do I leave and try to work it out in a separate environment. Or give it up all together. Please read the very long scenario below and give your thoughts. I know I have my own set of issues, and I need to work on myself and how I embrace others, but I do not feel like I am an abusive person to him, but I am not sure when to call it quits. 


We recently went with 2 other couples to a halloween event and had a situation happen. So let me run this past you and see what you think. We were in a line for a ride at the theme park, and fight broke out between some other people in the line, my husband made a rude comment and one of the other couple's wives said, he needed to stop and, I agreed with her, and told him he needed to think about the people around him and their safety and you never know who is listening, he kept saying whatever, and I said no its not whatever you need to learn to censor yourself and not be rude, and he just kep saying whatever, when the other wife in the group said you need to stop arguing and my husband said something like you need to be quiet and she in turn said stop it, my husband while in front of our friends, called me a ***** and told me to shut the f* up, and proceeded to call me a C*. Until this point, he was totally fine, this was a weekend for us to try to re-connect. He then just wanted to leave. So he was incredibly rude, and would not speak to anyone at all, he was just being difficult. I excused myself from the group and pulled him aside and talked to him, he said he did not care and just wanted to leave! I went back to the group and said I apologize for his actions and I was going to go with my husband back to the hotel. We took a cab back to our hotel he would not speak to me the whole time. We went back to the room, he began packing his stuff and he said he was leaving, when he realized he couldn't and just had to stay cause we rode in the same car etc.. He refused to speak to me and was just being difficult and I tried very hard to get him to talk with me about it. He just said he had nothing to say he wanted to leave. I was sooooo frustrated and I grabbed my stuff and had intended to punch the bed but I slightly graced his side, and he claims I punched him. I can honestly say I did not mean to connect with him, but I truly did grace his side, and in no way punched him. He then jumped up and put on his shoes and wanted to leave he was very very angry. I Grabbed him in a hugging manner and asked him not to go. He kept forcing me away and I kept hugging him, I then sat on him on the bed and he said let me up and I would like to add this man was very very very angry, he then put his hands around my neck and started to choke me, when I did not move he choked harder. I had to pull his thumbs from my adams apple to prevent him from killing me, and he then proceeded to dump things and throw things, and he wanted me to give him the car keys and I refused. I did not want him to hurt himself or anyone else, so I refused which made him even more angry. he called me a *****, a fat F* b*, a C*, a physco etcc, everything you can think of. No one has ever caled me that before. He proceeded to argue with me, and I told him I was going to sleep in the car. Which I did. The next morning I spoke with him and he apologized that the night turned out the way it did. I said well I appreciate his apology but it does not change what happened. I cried all morning and he said he wanted to get some breakfast and go do something. We ran into the couples we left downstairs and they said they were going to a certain place, once we got into the car my husband said he just wanted to get breakfast, but he then wantedd to go home becasue he did not want to be anywhere with the other couple, cause their wives were b*'s. One of which is my sister. He said if we went there and we saw them he would walk away and I needed to respect that. I said I do respect it but I would not be rude. He can not expect me to to do that to my sister. He told me that I did not respect his decision not to speak to them. I became more frustrated. I told him I had really been trying to re-kindle our relationship and that this made it more difficult. He said he did not know if he wanted to be with me anymore and he was not sure he loved me. As the day progressed he said he could not leave me and that I was a part of him. He then tried to make it up to me and take me to the outlet mall near our house on the way home. I agreed to go. I did and we had an ok time. I am having a tough time moving past this moment. I do not think it was right for him to choke me, and then justify it by saying I punched him, which I did not. I apologized profusely and explained I did not intend to hit it him and I was stunned I even connected and I was so sorry. He never apologized for choking me and says he was just trying to scare me to get me off of him. He used the excuse that I weigh more than him and he had no choice. I keep reliving this in my mind and I am having a tough time getting past this. My sister told my parents who were watching our little girl, that we had an argument and they wanted to know more of course but I have not told anyone about this only posted it here. I don't know what to do, I just think he choked me on purpose, altough he has never physically hurt me before I just am not sure I can get past this, no one has ever spoken to me like this ever in my life. I can honestly say two days later it is all I think about and I keep reliving it. He can be a real jerk and everyone around us knows that. I need advice do I continue or let this be the big red flag that stops the relationship. I am so confused because I love him and I don't want to leave him. although my short stint, thinking I was falling for another man, I just wanted someone to love and romance me and want me. Please give me some advice. I need help. 


Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post, and respond.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You don't have the right to physically restrain him if he wants to leave. You put yourself into that dangerous physical situation. Let him go if he wants to leave.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

whoa whoa whoa...c-word...b-word...called you fat...then choked you? where were the cops? i'm serious. that $#@t should be end of story. somehow i think he could easliy end up in court mandated anger control, and jail. these are dangerous precedents that are being set.


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## ScaredinFlorida (Sep 29, 2009)

Dobo- You are right, I should have, my concern at that moment was I afraid of him hurting himself or someone else, or wrecking the car etc.., in his fit of rage. So while I was at some fault I believe there is no excuse for the choking. 

Voivod- I believe you are right, my therapist told me to leave today so I am trying to get out as we speak, just trying to figure out how to do it. Those words really hurt me and have not left my mind since he said then. We do have an appointment on Monday eve to go together to a therapist, and see if we/he/me can work out our issues separately and together. As I am at fault for some of this this is a huge part of our marital problems.

Please keep the comments coming I need to hear what others think, and support.


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