# Texting Female Co-Worker



## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Hello! So my live in boyfriend who has a history of cheating I think may be at it again. Because of his cheating I've developed a tendency to check our cell phone records and his phone because I don't trust. 

Well just recently I saw a text from his former boss/partner saying "how come you never want to hang out? I can stop asking". When I asked him he said because they are always inviting him to happy hour and he never goes. Ok, that sounded sort of legit. It made me "aware" though and I've been checking alot lately.

Well sweetest day weekend her and him had texted a ton on Friday night and through the weekend. He said it was just friendly banter. Friendly banter that he deleted from his phone because all were deleted. I told him that it made me uncomfortable and hurt my feelings and given our history of his cheating I need for it to stop. He said that it would. He promsied. AFTER telling me that he's just going to get his own phone so I can't check anymore. How crazy is that? Anyway, I let it go for a day or two.

On Friday I went out of town until Saturday afternoon. I found it odd that he had no plans with friends as he's a party boy. His car recently got repo'd and he said the only thing he had going on was riding home with his best friend and then he didn't know. Well that morning when I was packing he started packing a bag. When I asked him what it was for he said in case he spent the night at his friends house. Found that odd. When he got in the shower I checked his phone and he texted his friend the day before in the morning and asked if he could crash at his friends house. His friend said of course. Well when he got out of the shower I jokingly asked if his friend knew they were having a pajama party. He said "no". I found that odd. If he had it planned the day before why lie about it, right?

Well that day he was available all day via text and a few phone convos with the exception of 7:00 PM-2:45 AM where he sort of disappeared with the exception of a few texts and one call that I missed at 9:00 PM.

He did stay at his friends because I heard them the next morning and he did call me at 2:45 am and he was there. 

Anyway, when I got home on Saturday I asked him if he had heard from that woman and he said "nope". Well yesterday I checked his phone and there were not texts on his actual phone. That wasn't good enough for me. I still had a FEELING that he was lying. So I checked the actual cell records and they DID TEXT! From Friday 2:00 PM - 7:00 PM (when he disappeared) and then from 11:00 AM-4:00 PM on Saturday before I got home. Guess what??! ALL texts were deleted from his phone. Remember I checked yesterday!

So I confronted him today. I asked him flat out if she met him at the bar and he said no. I said you promised me that it would stop and you did it anyway! He said "oh you checked my phone too? That's real cool" and HUNG UP ON ME!

Why would he do that if he was in the wrong?! Why couldn't he just explain and reassure? I get that I shouldn't be snooping but at the same token I'm only snooping in reaction to my gut feeling and his lies. So this happened this morning and it's now 8:20 PM and he hasn't come home from work. He hasn't responded to my calls or texts. Why am I being punished for his sneaky behavior? I'm sitting at home questioning myself as if I've done somethign wrong. Like what if I would have not checked, etc.? Things would be fine? I know this is wrong thinking but I can't help it. I feel like a crazy woman. By the way he's called me psycho and crazy and nosey, etc. when I've confronted him about things before. So yes, I'm crazy because he's got me to this point.

I'm just confused. I need to hear that I'm not in the wrong. This woman isn't even his type. So opposite of what me, his ex wife and ex's are. Very very different. Not even attractive. At all and I'm not just saying that because I'm jealous. The last girl he cheated with was very pretty although I hate to say it. This one is not.

So what is going on? Why am I at home hysterical feeling like I l'm a crazy "checker". Again, why am I being punished for his poor behavior? Am in the wrong at all?

I really need to hear from some of you. That I'm not crazy. That this behavior is unacceptable. 

I don't even know how to approach...do I tell him to pack and leave? Do I continue calling and texting him? What do I do? Please help.

Thanks in advance!!!!!

P.S. She work two hours away, from time to time here locally.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Sorry to break it to you, He is a serial cheater and oesn't respect you. Move on.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry, OP, but I'm wondering why you're in a relationship with a man who has a history of cheating, and where there is obviously little or no trust?

You know your BF lies to you. Do you really want to be in a live in relationship with a guy who has a history of cheating and is now lying to you about his contact with another woman?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are not crazy. You did nothing wrong. He is a lying. cheating piece of pond scum who will ruin your life if you allow him too. You are not married, you don't have kids. Thank your lucky stars he revealed his true nature unmistakeably. You need no further proof than his reaction. He doesn't give a **** about you, he can't even be bothered to do a decent job of hiding it from you. Just put his stuff in garbage bags out by the garbage. Change the locks. Have a friend come stay with you for a couple days if possible. In the future, if you find someone cheats on you, do not put up with it, no second chances if you have nothing to tie you for life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He has a history of cheating.

Dude. There's your answer. It won't get better. Kick his ass out.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks everyone!!! Quick responses. I've made my decision and yes, I want him out. Thing is on top of everything else he's been violent before. I'm afraid of how to approach because once I change the locks, etc. he'll have really hit rock bottom. No car and no place to live. I'm afraid he's going to go ballistic and try to harm me and my 18 year old daughter. I've always cried wolf with break ups before and now that he sees I'm being serious. I'm honestly scared. I already put in a request to have the locks changed but I'm not sure how soon they'll be out. I'm really scared. The reality has really set in of what a bad situation I'm in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You rent? I would call the super, let him know the deal, maybe he can change to lock right away. It only takes a few minutes and a screwdriver to do it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You might also want to call the police, on the non emergency line to get their advice.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Yes, I rent. They don't open until 10 am though. I know he won't be back tonight as he has no car and is out drinking. Thing is I'm working from home tomorrow and I don't even want to see him. I'm blown away by the fact that he hasn't called or texted me back. Who does that when they're caught? Is that normal for cheaters?

I am doing the right thing, right? Why am I scared that I'm making a mistake or that this is my fault. Like my crazy checking ways drove him into another woman's direction? 

I'm really hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It's good to have a tiger for a friend. Tigers can swat the heads off of cheating boyfriends if they try to get violent!

But seriously again for a minute, are you sure there is no resident manager you can speak to tonight? And definitely call a friend, go stay there if you must, if you are really worried about what might happen.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Good morning everyone - He did not come home last night. I haven't heard from him since 11:30 AM yesterday. He's NEVER disappeared on me like this. When I caught him cheating last time he was so remorseful. Called and texted like crazy. Now this and he disappears? What the heck did I do wrong or what is different about this situation in where he's gone so dark? Not caring?

I just don't understand what is going on. I just texted him that I'm working from home today and that if he needs to come here for anything to please let me know beforehand. No response. I'm confused. I don't understand what any of this means.

I did get a call yesterday from a company stating that he had applied for a rent to own home. I didn't know of this. That hurts because he's obviously been looking for another place to live behind my back. I just don't understand why he would've used my number as a reference?

I'm just honestly torn apart right now. I can't even handle how I'm feeling. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm a mess. 

I just don't understand how he can be so heartless? So evil and ruthless after all I've done for him and the woman that I've been to him. Yes, I know I've had crazy moments but they're all because he led me there. I keep feeling like somehow this is my fault. That somehow I'm losing a good man. I keep thinking of his potential because when he's good he's so good. I'm so sad thinking that four years ago (our 2nd month of dating) he took me to vote and then out for dinner and drinks and we watched the votes come in. Now four years later and this?

I don't know what to do? I can't handle him not responding and being so mean and careless. Did I really do something that wrong? 

I also am taking this so personally as a negative reflection of myself. I'm an attractive woman with a great job, etc. and the woman that he's been talking to is so opposite. Really not attractive at all, etc. How could I not take this as a poor reflection of myself? 

I just don't know what to do. I'm really a mess over here. In the worst way. What do I do? He's not responding? Why am I panicking?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> I did get a call yesterday from a company stating that he had applied for a rent to own home. I didn't know of this. That hurts because he's obviously been looking for another place to live behind my back. I just don't understand why he would've used my number as a reference?
> 
> I'm just honestly torn apart right now. I can't even handle how I'm feeling. It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I'm a mess.


I know you are hurting now and you don't want to hear this but this is the best news you could have hoped to receive. Let him go, you deserve better.


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## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong! You seriously deserve so much better than this guy who obviously does not care about your feelings. HE is the crazy one, IMHO. You can and will get through this. Try and do something to keep yourself busy and get your mind off of your decision. You're questioning yourself so much right now, but when all is said and done, you'll realize you made the right choice. Either that, or you'll keep letting him back in and continue being miserable, "crazy", and paranoid..who honestly wants to live like that? I wouldn't hold out for him to ever change..look at what he's done in the past, and look at what he's doing now. And by that I also mean his reaction to you finding out about his dishonesty..he doesn't deserve you.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You invested a lot into the relationship. It can be hard to accept that you may have been mistaken. You're in a bit of a fog yourself. It can be difficult for you to get perspective. Please listen to us. This is a good thing. He is showing his true self. You are in love with a fiction he likes to portray every once in a while, it isn't him. Cut him out of your life, get help to reinforce the choice from friends and family. In a month or 2, you'll realize you made the right choice. 

This is hard to believe, but this is not about you, what you do, or what you don't do. This is all about him, and his lack of character, or what ever you want to call it. Nothing to do with you. This is not your fault, so never, ever believe that for even one minute. Get this cretin out of your life, keep him out, no matter what, and move on. You will be fine, great even, with out him.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already. 

I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.

Does this sound about right? Again, he's NEVER disappeared on me like this. What can it be? I'm beating myself up so badly.

I know, deep down inside that I didn't do anything wrong. I can't help myself right now. 

Sorry for sounding so pathetic. I've just officially lost it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already.
> 
> I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.
> 
> ...


When you love someone, the REAL them, and they love you the same way, this is not what it looks like.

Love isn't a game where we do childish things like "disappearing" in order to manipulate and control someone else.

Someday I believe you will look back on this man, and this relationship, and realize that you love an idealized version of him, that somehow never, no matter what you tried, matched up to the REAL him. This IS the real him. A lying manipulator. It can be very hard to accept the dying of a dream, believe me, I KNOW. 

But here is the truth: in the end, each of us is ALONE, an island in the universe. I don't mean that in a "the world is a rotten place," kind of way. What I mean is, people die. People change. People do things you don't like. So before you embark on a romantic partnership, the best thing you can do is to learn to truly love _yourself_. Not in a selfish way. In a genuine way. Like the love you have for your mother, or a best friend. You want what's BEST for them--and sometimes what's best isn't what they want.

If your mom's allergic to honey, do you slather her bread with it because she craves some? No. Doing what YOU WANT is different from what's BEST for you sometimes. You think you want this man (your dream of what he is, NOT the _real_ him). Go be your own best friend. Learn to do that FIRST and it will guide you in choosing a partner worthy of respect (he ain't it).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> Thanks all, I'm trying but it's really hard. I keep thinking and feeling I'm going to be so lonely. As crazy as this sounds he's been my best friend. The one that I did everything with. Talked to about everything, etc. I feel so lost without him already.
> 
> I just talked to my mom about the fact that he disappeared and he's never done so. She said that he's "upping" his game because he knows that I'm getting stronger. So he's going to get stronger to to try and keep me in my place.
> 
> ...


You are not pathetic at all, you love him and there is nothing wrong with that. Letting him treat you like this is the problem. All feelings aside you have to get strong..QUICK and you need to take control of the situation! Even if you have to fake it at first do it. Let him know him talking to this woman is not acceptable and you wont tolerate it, you deserve more!

If you stay on TAM long enough you will see that the people that have success stories are the one that are strong and stand their ground. I was a weak one in the beginning. Im 3 years in R and I still have weak days but its the days when Im strong and stand up for myself that are the best! Draw your line in the sand!


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Why do you keep a cheater around? Do they sit girls down in school and instruct them that men are projects and if they just endure and keep at it, year after year, decade after decade, you can change them (the guys)?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Make sure when you draw your line in the sand, it doesn't include any part of that loser! Have you had the locks changed yet?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The Art of Loving:Amazon:Books

Have a look at this book, its an oldie, but a goodie.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What is wrong with you???

The guy cheats on you, lies to you, cheats some more, is violent with you and now you feel bad because he's not texting you?

You should be doing back flips. Pull yourself together and realize this guy isn't someone you should have around and being alone for a while will be far better than having him around. You have your mother (who sounds like she has her hear on right) and a daughter you want to protect. 

If for no one else, do this for your daughter so she understands how to be in a decent relationship.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Well he just walked in the door, took a shower like nothing. Asked me if I missed him..I said nothing. Then he said “when I tell you that it’s nothing with my female coworker other than work, or because she has no friends or it’s about a partner of ours, or the kids, etc. it’s nothing” then he pulled up a pic of her on their internal work website and said that this is her and I would NEVER.

Forum friends, she looks hideous, like not even close to cute.

Anyway, I told him looks don’t matter and if he had nothing to hide why delete? He said “why is your phone locked?” I said this isn’t about me. I’ve done nothing to break your trust. He said that he deletes them because he feels like he doesn’t have anything to prove to me because he doesn’t do anything wrong. That I’m going to learn eventually to stop looking at his phone. I said “oh I’m going to learn?” I said I’m not going to stop either. When you’re honest is when I’ll stop! He said you’re going to have a sad life then. I said I don’t HAVE to have a life with you!! He said ok, enough said! I told him to leave me alone. That I’m working and I didn’t bother him yesterday nor today that I’m starting to not care.

He said that his ex co worker was in Detroit, where she works on Friday and they went to lunch Saturday so they were texting him…Like he would be like “text him and say” I said why couldn’t he just text you himself and my boyfriend didn’t answer.

He said I’m just going to get my own phone. I said can you just please tell me that if the texts are innocent then WHY have you deleted them? He said I deleted yours to. He said that he told me that I could look at them before and that I said no, I don’t want to see, just tell her to stop and I did say that but that doesn’t mean to seriously delete them!

Why is his answer “you’re going to learn to not look at my phone or I’m just going to get my own phone”, etc. etc.? Even if it is innocent and he’s tired of me checking and doesn’t feel like he needs to prove because he doesn’t do anything wrong WHY does he approach that way?

Yes my phone is locked..for reasons of privacy other than other men. I’m not a cheater, nor have I ever been. 

I’m tired! I told him that my daughter is home right now that I don’t want to talk…not while she’s here…

So what do I do now? That he's here? I was secretly hoping that I wouldn't hear from him and I'd be able to at that point say I'm dropping your things off at a friends and be done.

But of course he's back and has me second guessing myself.

Typical abused woman, I know.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> When I caught him cheating last time he was so remorseful. Called and texted like crazy. Now this and he disappears? What the heck did I do wrong or what is different about this situation in where he's gone so dark? Not caring?


Because he's been down this route before and knows that the game is probably up with you - ie, you're not going to sit back and accept him cheating on you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but you truly are better off going through this now rather than doing so if you were married to him and had children with him.

Your latest post tells us he's back. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling that you have to check up on him?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Have you enjoyed the past day? That's your life if you try to fix this guy. He is not a project, he is not his potential, he is what he is, and it is not good. Are the locks getting changed today? If so, tell him you want him out when the worker is there, that he has until the worker is done to get his stuff and get out. If he can't get it all, then you will pack up the rest and leave it at the rental office for him later. Don't give him the chance to stay after the worker is gone.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He's going dark and then using your contact information as a way to reel you back in, hoping the fear of 'losing him' will draw you back.

Ignore. If you can, block his number so you stay strong. Change the locks immediately. If possible, have a friend (female) stay with you for a week or so to help keep you company and to have someone there as a witness.

Do not agree to allow him access to your house/apartment without someone present for physical and emotional security. 

Lastly, be grateful you found all of this out now and not five years from now after marrying and having a child or two. 

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what my counselor told me - thinking about people and reacting to what they do gives them POWER in your mind. Put him out of your thoughts as much as possible and focus on you. Do some nice things for you and live happily. THAT is the best revenge.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Wise counselor one taught me that it's best to go low and slow as TC redhead said when you don't play into their game they get frustrated and stop playing their game


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Darn - just read he had come home. I think I'd still follow the same script. 

I would calmly tell him that this just isn't a relationship that you're comfortable having and that it needs to end. You are aware he's seeking housing elsewhere and would prefer that he leave now until he finds that place. Wish him luck and keep it pleasant.

If you truly think he will be physically threatening, have a friend come over and remain there SILENTLY as support. 

If he starts escalating and becoming loud, do NOT hesitate to involve the police to help defuse the situation. Make it clear to him that any physical violence will not be tolerated. 

For what it's worth, the OW doesn't have to be attractive for something inappropriate to be happening. It sounds like you both have some issues (you're locking your phone too) and it's time to work on you and making a pleasant home for your child.


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## Penny_Lane (Nov 2, 2012)

She's not going to do that...leave/tell him to leave.
She's in a "thing". Ya know people talk about cheating spouses being in a Fog, this is one too.

Until she really understands that her life is being spent day after day in a paranoid state, waiting for the axe to come down, will she begin to think differently.
OP, when YOU get sick and tired enough you'll tell him to stay gone. Or better yet when he comes back from disappearing, maybe one day, you'll be gone.

He is punishing you by disappearing. And you're almost believeing you deserve it. Do you think you do? Yes? Why?

The very, very first thing I think you should do, for yourself, for your sanity, is make ONE boundry line. Just one.
Something that you can no longer live with, something that makes you feel terrible about being with him. Something that allows you to have some control over what happens to you.

The consequence of having a boundry line is that you'll need to stick to it. So choose the first one as one you can handle. And it's not exactly an ultimatum, it's different. It's about you deciding what you will not live with. It's about deciding how you want to be treated.

On another note and something to think about - When you or anyone has past experiences with someone who has lied there is a tendency to not know now, in the present, what is true and what is a lie. Right? You have no idea and it's driving you crazy, yes?
So, YOU will have to decide what's the truth because as you well know, he can't be relied on to tell it. So, get in in your head that to ask him will get you nowhere. It will go around and around in a circle and never feel right.
You think that he's like you or I, transparent and honest. He isn't.
So, open your eyes, see what's happening and make your own truth. You already know it...that's why you're looking for it. Yes, it's terribly hard/difficult to comprehend how some people can lie straight to your face. But some people do. And some people will never stop, for their whole life....do you want to be with someone who's going to lie/hide things from you for your whole life?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

cosmos hit the nail on the head regarding your qu. He is acting differently now because he knows the game is up. However, if you accept his behaviour he will know he has all the control and continue in this vain. Because you have accepted this behaviiour. 

Also, he is acting differently now because he has checked out of the relationship. He doesn't care for this relationship anymore. If he did he would not have ignored you, he would have called you and texted to let you know every step of the way what he was doing and when he would be back. And he has checked out because he is now looking for another place....without even informing you!.

Don't question him any longer, you will be just opening yourself up to more hurt and more lies. Every answer he gives will have a blame factor in it, and the blame will fall to you. So, unless you want to hear him tell you how rubbish you are and how you MADE him do such selfish things to you, don't entertain him by feeding him with openings to blame and abuse you. 

He doesn't care anymore. Don't feed his ego by caring for someone who treats you like dirt. Don't feed him!


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks again everyone! You are all providing so much wonderful advice! 

Penny Lane, I really like the idea of one boundary line. I'm going to work on finding what that is although in my situation there are a few.

Remains, when you say checked out of the relationship, how so? Is he living with me just to use me? 

He said he didn't call because he didn't want to argue with me. That I knew where he was (which I did) and I had no reason to be concerned. Does that sound bad?

I asked him about the rent to own and he said that he applied a long time ago for rent to own homes that are listed but did not follow through with the application fee. That he gave them my number knowing they may call. If he was hiding something he wouldn't have gave them my number. Does that sound like it could be true?

Also, I have access to the cell phone records. Actually, I'm in charge of the account. I went ahead and blocked her number so they cannot contact eachother (that way) anymore. Was that dumb? I'm questioning myself on that.

He knows I'm withdrawing. When he got home he was super loving and up my butt. Today as well.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Reread your whole thread. Is that the future you want for yourself? Is that the example you want to set for your daughter?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Reread your whole thread. Is that the future you want for yourself? Is that the example you want to set for your daughter?


:iagree:

OP, do you really want a future with someone you feel you can't trust? Frankly, I'd find it too exhausting.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Reread your whole thread. Is that the future you want for yourself? Is that the example you want to set for your daughter?


:iagree:

Sometimes, someone else just says it so much better.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He sounds like he's training you the way he would a pet. If you don't 'behave,' he has to administer some consequences to get you back in line. He keeps you dancing so that he can do what he wants without input from you. You started to stand up for yourself, so he disappears to throw you off again. He's going to keep teaching you lessons until you understand that you shouldn't 'snoop.' And on and on.

You're letting him train you because you're in 'love.'

But, in your heart, you know this isn't really love. I don't think you'd be on this forum asking for strength if you really believed it was love.

What you are is trapped in your emotions. We've all been there at some point in our lives & when we extract ourselves, we can see in hindsight that it was nothing close to love.

Your first real step in reclaiming yourself is to follow the advice that everyone here has given you & start taking some steps to get away from him. If you can't bring yourself to do it physically, force yourself to try a 180. If you can only handle one step at a time, start taking them.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Read other threads on here. It is only once you realise that the way he manipulates you is standard practice, the way you are behaving is standard response, only then will you see what he does and remove yourself. He knows exactly what he is doing. You don't. Because you don't do this behaviour, therefore you don't recognise it. It takes a bit of time but is worth every bit of time you spend on reading....10 fold.

There is nothing different here. He is manipulating you and you are his puppet on a string. I have been there. I have been that crazy one, the one with issues. Once you realise what he is doing to you it is so obvious, so clear. And so so abusive. Mental cruelty.

He is being nice to you because he ****ed around. He ignored you and was cruel for 2 days (was it 2?) and now he has had his cake it is time to be nice again. And you are excusing him.

Stop! Read up on other threads and see what you write mirrored back to you. Read up articles on manipulative behaviour, on projecting their BSh*t, on how cheaters behave. Your confidence will grow in your own thoughts and his gaslighting will no longer work.

And yes, he is living with you just to use you. When I say he has checked out of the relationship, what I mean is he no longer has much interest in sustaining it. He is doing things that are incredibly obvious regarding cheating, and he doesn't care. He treats you badly because he doesn't care anymore. He lies...doesn't care. He ignores you...doesn't care. He is only nice to you right now to counteract the crap he just put you through. If he continued with his crap on his return would you still be with him? Probably not. And so he nices you back on side again.

If he cared he would take care of you and look after you at all times. Not just when he has behaved badly.

(BTW, did he text his friend to stay there just for your benefit? Because he knew you would read it? Did he leave the phone handy for you to read his 'can I crash at yours?' text...and then once out he changed his plans? I would put my money on this one.)


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Good morning everyone – I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Right back where I was a few days ago. I told you that I blocked the one woman’s number. The co-worker. The one that isn’t attractive. Well, today when I checked the cell phone records I scrolled down a bit further into early November and I saw that he was texting another female from work. Very attractive. This was one that I asked him to stop texting as well and that he said he would stop. Well he texted her twice on 11/1. Once at 4:26 PM and once at 4:27 PM and then she responded at 4:33 PM. Nothing after that. I’m just blown away. I know that it could be totally work related but again, those texts were deleted. I have a huge lump in my throat and I don’t even know how to approach him. I know that if I approach him today during the day he’ll probably just hang up and disappear again. Although I’d be surprised if he did that because he gets his daughters this weekend and he definitely needs a place to stay with them.

Gosh, I’m SOOO tired of his having no respect and disregard for what I want/need in the relationship. I was so ready to let the other woman that he was texting go but now this? It’s like is it EVER going to stop? I don’t understand what has gotten into this man?! Like I feel like he’s gone mad crazy and just ruthless.

I just don’t understand any of this. I’m attractive, kind, loving, have a great job and am so good to him (minus the crazy stalker checking). 

What do I do? Do I confront him about it? Let him know that I know? 

I’m having panic and anxiety right now. Can’t even function at work.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> Gosh, I’m SOOO tired of his having no respect and disregard for what I want/need in the relationship. I was so ready to let the other woman that he was texting go but now this? It’s like is it EVER going to stop? I don’t understand what has gotten into this man?! Like I feel like he’s gone mad crazy and just ruthless.
> 
> I just don’t understand any of this. I’m attractive, kind, loving, have a great job and am so good to him (minus the crazy stalker checking).
> 
> What do I do? Do I confront him about it? Let him know that I know?


What you do is take some deep cleansing breaths. You tell yourself that you are WAY better than this. As you breathe, you let the voice in your head declare that you have a long life ahead of you and you don't want to spend it like this. Imagine where you want to be 5-10 years from now.

Take the time to jump off your mental hamster wheel. Force yourself to do it. Take yourself back in time to a time before you knew this man. Ask yourself how you would have advised a friend in this situation. Force yourself to act with some strength and self-respect. Force yourself.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> Good morning everyone – I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Right back where I was a few days ago. I told you that I blocked the one woman’s number. The co-worker. The one that isn’t attractive. Well, today when I checked the cell phone records I scrolled down a bit further into early November and I saw that he was texting another female from work. Very attractive. This was one that I asked him to stop texting as well and that he said he would stop. Well he texted her twice on 11/1. Once at 4:26 PM and once at 4:27 PM and then she responded at 4:33 PM. Nothing after that. I’m just blown away. I know that it could be totally work related but again, those texts were deleted. I have a huge lump in my throat and I don’t even know how to approach him. I know that if I approach him today during the day he’ll probably just hang up and disappear again. Although I’d be surprised if he did that because he gets his daughters this weekend and he definitely needs a place to stay with them.
> 
> Gosh, I’m SOOO tired of his having no respect and disregard for what I want/need in the relationship. I was so ready to let the other woman that he was texting go but now this? It’s like is it EVER going to stop? I don’t understand what has gotten into this man?! Like I feel like he’s gone mad crazy and just ruthless.
> 
> ...



Im not dismissing what your WH/BF (cant remember what he is), is doing because I think its crappy the way he is treating you BUT you dont know the context of the texts. If he agreed to not contact her and HAD to for some reason (work related) then he is hiding it because he is worried you will go off. Granted if its innocent he should have just left it there so that you could verify it if you found out. Men are dumb sometimes and dont think about what consequences their actions are going to result in. Im on the fence on this ONE instance! Im sure someone will come along and ask me if Im "naive" but Im just trying to think this through at every angle.

Regardless of this recent finding I think that he doesnt deserve you!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He has a history of cheating.
> 
> Dude. There's your answer. It won't get better. Kick his ass out.





ankh said:


> Why do you keep a cheater around? Do they sit girls down in school and instruct them that men are projects and if they just endure and keep at it, year after year, decade after decade, you can change them (the guys)?





Chris Taylor said:


> What is wrong with you???
> 
> The guy cheats on you, lies to you, cheats some more, is violent with you and now you feel bad because he's not texting you?
> 
> ...





SadandAngry said:


> Reread your whole thread. Is that the future you want for yourself? Is that the example you want to set for your daughter?


All of these...

Sweety, he's a serial cheater. He will never change. You are only BF/GF. GET OUT NOW. 

My STBXH is a serial cheater. Its not worth the heartache. THEY NEVER CHANGE. Just read other stories on TAM. 

JUST LEAVE HIM ALREADY. He's not worth your time or your love. Yes it will hurt to leave but guess what, you won't be constantly paranoid, checking up on things and causing un-needed stress and anxiety to your body. You will be able to move onward and upward, heal yourself and find someone who will truely love you for you. 

How many times has he cheated on you anyways?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Are you even reading the replies you get?


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

SadAndAngry - Yes I'm reading the replies. I'm sorry that I love this man and I'm trying to look at things through every different angle. I'm sure I'm not the only person on this board who has had a hard time and wanted to make sure and rule out all possibilities.

I know that I'm needing to move on as well though. Of course I don't want to live my life constantly checking but I keep thinking the "what if's"?

I appreciate everyone here...so I guess I don't bring it up? I feel like I'm not going to be able to contain myself and it's going to splurt out with no control.

IF I do approach is there a way you recommend I do without coming across as a total psycho?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So you are a psycho since you want a man who is honest and doesn't cheat on you???


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> SadAndAngry - Yes I'm reading the replies. I'm sorry that I love this man and I'm trying to look at things through every different angle. I'm sure I'm not the only person on this board who has had a hard time and wanted to make sure and rule out all possibilities.
> 
> I know that I'm needing to move on as well though. Of course I don't want to live my life constantly checking but I keep thinking the "what if's"?
> 
> ...


You're asking for advice on micromanaging your paralysis here & no one is interested in giving you that advice.

Everyone sees that these details about how you handle this latest little outrage don't matter in the end. Your decision here is a big one. If you don't want to be pathetic, you have to force yourself out of this pattern.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> ...I love this man ...


OK. But he doesn't love you.

He's using you for a crash pad, a meal ticket (car repossessed?) and occasional punching bag.

If your daughter ended up with a guy who treated her like this, how would you feel about that? Because that's the behavior you're modeling for her.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

He's been with me for four years. I'm the only woman besides his ex wife that he introduced to his family, etc. How can he not love me? I'm sorry if I sound dumb and naive but it's so hard to believe/hard to hear.

I've been a great woman to him. Have loved him, his family, his daughters like my own. I'm clean, I love to cook, am attractive, have a good job, am fun to be with, love to do fun things....etc. etc. I know that it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but it's just hard to believe that he would do something like that and risk losing all he has with me.

Has anyone else on here felt this way?

I'm sorry. I'm very sad.

P.S. Of course I don't want to set a bad example for my daughter. The thought of that petrifies me. It's just so hard for me to let go.

Is it perhaps a pride thing on my end?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Foghorn said:


> If your daughter ended up with a guy who treated her like this, how would you feel about that? Because that's the behavior you're modeling for her.


This is the question you need to ask yourself. If you were hearing this story from your daughter, what would you tell her to do?

You've already expressed he's physically abusive. He seems to be emotionally abusive. What is good in this relationship for YOU?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> He's been with me for four years. I'm the only woman besides his ex wife that he introduced to his family, etc. How can he not love me? I'm sorry if I sound dumb and naive but it's so hard to believe/hard to hear.
> 
> I've been a great woman to him. Have loved him, his family, his daughters like my own. I'm clean, I love to cook, am attractive, have a good job, am fun to be with, love to do fun things....etc. etc. I know that it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but it's just hard to believe that he would do something like that and risk losing all he has with me.
> 
> ...


So your only requirements for love are being with you for a length of time and he introduced you to his family?

Hmmm...some questions for you...

Does he respect you?
Does he compromise with you?
Does is he open and honest about everything he can be?
Does he support you in times of emotional stress?
Does he do thoughtful things for you...cleaning, make dinner..simple things like that?

I would think he would if he loved you. And I know you can answer "no" to the first 3 right off the bat.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I just wanted to make sure you are reading this stuff, because honestly, it doesn't sound as if you are. You already have all the answers you truly need, what to do and how to do it. Does he love you? Etc. 

He is not like you emotionally. It will be impossible for you to fathom what is going on in his head, because it just won't make sense in a rational way for you. Truthfully, it doesn't matter what he thinks, it matters what he does. That is who he is, who he will continue to be. Not the idea or facade that he put on that you fell in love with. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a facade, and he no longer wants to put that much into it. You cannot change him. Face that, accept it, get the locks changed and put his stuff out of your house.

Read this thread, gather strength to stand up for yourself from the words we have written. You will doom yourself if you do not. You may doom your daughter if she picks up what you're putting down. I really hope she wont!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> He's been with me for four years. I'm the only woman besides his ex wife that he introduced to his family, etc. How can he not love me? I'm sorry if I sound dumb and naive but it's so hard to believe/hard to hear.
> 
> I've been a great woman to him. Have loved him, his family, his daughters like my own. I'm clean, I love to cook, am attractive, have a good job, am fun to be with, love to do fun things....etc. etc. I know that it sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but it's just hard to believe that he would do something like that and risk losing all he has with me.
> 
> ...


Whether he loves you or doesn't is NO reflection of your worth. There are some amazing people who have spouses who don't love them and who treat them terribly.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

As stated before, it is not a reflection on you if he is a bad person, the best person cant change that. You must 180 him fast and follow through. Either he changes or time will change you!

I also do want to say, neither spouse should password lock their cell phone, and if you keep yours locked you cant expect the other spouse to be open, if you are not.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Hello all - So I decided to bring it up. In a very nice, calm way. I said what is with this girl? Do you work with her? etc. etc. I said I just need to know why you deleted the messages. I'm trying to move forward with you and it's very difficult to do so when I don't have answers. 

He said "it was just what I told you. nothing. just work stuff." I said, ok then why did you delete? He said "I have no idea". 

I said really? You have no idea? Do you realize if any of this is innocent why it's making me suspicious?! I said I was praying to God that you would have a different answer for me. You can't even say it was because you thought I'd be upset. You're answer is you have no idea? How is that reassuring to me?

He said "I did nothing wrong." I said you broke a promise to me! That's wrong! He said he didn't expect to come home and have a sermon.

I told him that I gave him an opportunity to be honest. To redeem himself and I prayed to God that you'd give me another answer. I told him that he's been cheated on and disrespected before and he knows how bad that hurts. Why can't he understand why I question and how it's coming off as shady and sketchy? He said "it's your speculation, not mine". I said how can I not speculate when you're do these bizarre thing and then have no answers. I told him that when you cross the line you need to give an explanation. He told me to stay out of his business and he'll stay out of mine.

So I told him ok, I'm starting to feel vengeful and vindictive. You have me fired up. You know the saying don't get mad, get even. That's how I'm feeling but you know what? I won't do that because I choose to take the high road. I don't want any baggage or karma so you keeep doing what you're doing.

I told him that I'm disgusted that he can't act like an adult and communicate. He said that he answered me and I said I don't know is not an answer!

I haven't even said a word to him. He's so prideful and stubborn because he feels violated privacy wise. So because I questioned him again he's upset. Laying on the couch. Whatever though. I'm sorry. If he wants to go and text other females and delete them I may just start doing the same.

Maybe if I start dating behind is back it'll give me the courage to walk away because I'll see that there is better out there and I obviously haven't developed the courage to walk away on my own.

Is this normal thinking? I'm really upset.

What is a 180? I've heard of that here. Can someone guide me on that?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, you will not start dating people behind his back. That's truly pathetic. You don't need to let him push you into being pathetic. Again, think about yourself, your self respect. your daughter.

Are you reading the posts still? Read them again and again, and again. Read them, think about them, internalize then. You already know we are right. You keep coming back here. Read them. Make your plan, make it safe by getting help from the people there, and do what you need to do.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis' divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes."


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

For you I would say you need to do these things and keep doing them until you are able to rid yourself of your boyfriend. Do not stop if he tries to win you over. He has shown you who he really is, and you deserve better, for real, not only when he wants to lull you into complacency.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

DF,
Dont let the fact that he left instead of you throwing him out affect you.

The universe is looking out for you!

Dont beg him, its a gift, pack his shlt and put it at the door tell him to call you when he comes for it and leave it on the otther side do not open the door.

Tell him you realize he cannot be faithful to one woman so you are moving on and you want no further contact with him.

Do you have a male friend or brother that can be with you when he picks up his stuff?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You ask if anyone else has felt this way. The answer is yes. Your thread is exactly like another I read not long ago. Very similar to other threads I have read, and very similar to my own story...more in the reactions of you to him though. I knew my man was not being honest with me, but I was so in love (his cheating and weird behaviour was at the beginning of our relationship and by the time I found out about it he had stopped and dedicated himself to me. Which made it difficult as he was now the man he should have always been. But I could not build a relationship on lies. And he would not talk. He manipulated me terribly in order to avoid talking and to cover up his lies. Just as your man is manipulating you). I eventually got to a point after reading threads of similar behaviour and reading articles on manipulative behaviour and projection, where I saw right through him. I then was ready to end the relationship as he would not come completely clean. And only when you accept this man, accept his behaviour (accept that you cannot MAKE his behaviour different and move on), that you cannot change him, that he has to want to change, when you see through his manipulations and lies and do not accept them any longer, when you are ready to end the relationship, only then will you stop feeling the pain. And you will stop being his puppet on a string.

People telling you what you have to do does not work...not when it is not what you want, and not when there is a sliver of hope we might be wrong. The fact is, we are not wrong. You are just not seeing the obvious and you are making up excuses for him. You know these excuses are not valid. 

You ask about asking him your questions without sounding like a psycho. The answer to that is you don't sound like a psycho. He is telling you that you do for the purpose of shutting you up and that is it. Solely it. This is called gaslighting. He does it to make you look and feel crazy so that you will stop questioning his actions. He doesn't want to discuss with you why he is cheating and why he is treating you like sh*t! Your dialogue you wrote in your last post...do you notice how he answers and addresses nothing you put to him? He answers with an accusation or another question...or an 'I don't know'. As you rightly say, I don't know is not an answer. Avoidance tactics. That is all they are. Stop pushing him to be 'normal' and deal with the issues. He DOES NOT want to know. He wants to carry on doing whatever he likes without you annoying him. He is selfish. 

And BTW, you are feeding him what you want to hear. Don't. This behaviour is displaying such weakness. And the way you question him and take it all in shows your complete lack of confidence in your thoughts and feelings and you are displaying him big holes in your justifications that he can jump right through. Just listen to his answers and HEAR his actions. They say it loud and clear. He IS cheating on you. He does not want to talk about it with you. His answers tell you he has no interest in answering your questions or how you feel. He is telling you to shut up and leave him alone. And the way he does that is by making it difficult to talk with him and by blaming you for wanting to sort something that he DOES NOT! 

When you realise all this, it will give you great strength to deal with his behaviour and to not accept his sh*t any longer. Only then will you be prepared to throw him out where he belongs. And you will be happy to pass him over to whichever poor woman who is going to be his next victim.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree: Wow What she said!!!!!!!!


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

Hello all and Happy Friday! 

I hear what you’re all saying! Promise! I’m going through some comparing stage it seems. It’s like when I thought about some of the other women that he’s had a history with they are all factory workers, not very attractive, just trashy. I’m so much better. I have an amazing job, am attractive, fun to be with, smart, loving, good to him, etc. etc. so when he was talking to them I felt stronger because I kept thinking “this is who you’re going to cheat on me with? Ok, get lost and good luck with that”. 

Now with other girl who I think is super cute, I feel petrified. Challenge? Comparing myself. It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever felt. Like I’m afraid to lose him to someone attractive. I don’t get it! How is it that when he talks to women who I think are less than me I feel stronger but when someone attractive comes in the pic I’m weaker? Don’t want to lose?

Why is this? Do any of you have light to shed on this?

But again, I hear what all of you are saying. Trust me, I’m listening. The way I’m feeling is just like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I know I need to move on but now that he’s possibly interested in someone attractive or vice versa it has me feeling some crazy way. I can’t explain.

Why am I so frozen? Why can’t I just tell him screw you, I want you gone!? I can’t seem to figure it out. I’ve NEVER felt stuck like this! EVER! I feel so pathetic!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You aren't pathetic, he is!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You are aware that you are now in competition. You now HAVE competition. But it is up to you if you want to compete. 

Only when you get fed up of being treated like a fool and a doormat will you not care any longer.


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## drainedfemale (Nov 5, 2012)

I understand. How is she competition just by looks though? I shouldn't be this foolish I'm thinking.

I'm fed up..that's the issue here. If I'm so fed up why can't I leave him/move on?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She is competition because he is paying attention to her, period. It isn't about you, nor her, or either of your qualities.

You can move on, dump him what ever. Nothing is stopping you.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

B/c you base too much of your self worth on how he feels/thinks.

You need to stop that and work on finding strength in yourself. Start building up your confidence.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> Hello all and Happy Friday!
> 
> I hear what you’re all saying! Promise! I’m going through some comparing stage it seems. It’s like when I thought about some of the other women that he’s had a history with they are all factory workers, not very attractive, just trashy. I’m so much better. I have an amazing job, am attractive, fun to be with, smart, loving, good to him, etc. etc. so when he was talking to them I felt stronger because I kept thinking “this is who you’re going to cheat on me with? Ok, get lost and good luck with that”.
> 
> ...


The reason you are concentrating on what these women are like is that there is a part of you that hopes, that believes, that if you were somehow different, in SOME way, that he would stop this behavior. So then you go back and you look at how you've treated him as a partner. How good you've been to him. etc. And that's scary, because it makes you realize--there is nothing you can do differently. Nothing.

You are who you are physically.
You are who you are in terms of personality.
You have been dedicated to being a good partner.

But somehow that wasn't enough.
Now here is why it wasn't enough--because IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU
He doesn't behave this way with multiple women because there is anything wrong with YOU. There is something wrong with him.
He either believes he doesn't deserve love (he looks down on himself, he suffers from low self-esteem) OR he thinks too much of himself (he is super self-centered, and at his core he believes he should be allowed to do whatever he wants, when he wants, and you have no say in the matter). It doesn't matter which fits him better. Regardless, these are symptoms of serious problems that you CANNOT change. 

HE HAS TO WANT TO CHANGE THESE ISSUES.
HE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE.

You are scared to death of these truths, that is why you are turning around in circles. You want a magic pill to give him that he will swallow and wake up and agree to change.

There is no magic pill. There is only you deciding what sort of disrespect, lies, and manipulation you will tolerate in a life partner--or that you won't.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

"There is only you deciding what sort of disrespect, lies, and manipulation you will tolerate in a life partner--or that you won't."

And acting to make this reality. Live your life in the first person, you CAN do this for yourself, we cannot. We can support you, but you must do it.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

drainedfemale said:


> I understand. How is she competition just by looks though? I shouldn't be this foolish I'm thinking.
> 
> I'm fed up..that's the issue here. If I'm so fed up why can't I leave him/move on?


Dear df,

Because you're a good person and still have feelings for him. If you are inclined to try to save the relationship, follow SadandAngry's 34 points for a while to see if he comes to his senses. If he does, you will finally have something to work with. If he doesn't you will already have begun to emotionally detach and will know when it's time to pull the plug and move on without him.

But think really hard whether you want to patch things up with a guy who (as you stated in your first post) "has a history of cheating." In all likelihood, you will be better off without him.

Wishing the best for you.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Realize that there are parts of your brain that were wired to him, that physical wiring does not just go away, but you do not have to validate it either. If you want to distance yourself then consider these responses to him as brain patterns that will be replaced in time, as you make different choices, he does not control you, you just need time to heal from him, go NC and move on.


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