# What to do when a spouse refuses to 'talk'?



## Kari- (Jan 29, 2014)

I've been married for less than 4 months, and my husband has already decided he can't be bothered with discussing issues in our relationship. I won't bore you with needless details, so I'll just give a quick run down of our situation.
-He does not work. He does not cook, clean the house, shop, etc. 
(He does clean after our 6 cats, and does dishes, takes out the trash, and wipes the counters down.)

-He is currently in legal trouble, and refuses to get a job. I'll be paying his fines.

-I'm his second wife, and I'm considerably younger than he is. He's my first husband.

Now, here's what has led up to our deal-breaking issue.
I've been dealing with newly discovered fertility problems, and it has taken a lot out of me, emotionally. He's been very supportive, but I know there is only so much I can expect from him during this time without being deemed unreasonable. Due to this, there have been several things he's said lately that has gotten under my skin, but I chose to ignore it and go on. The last straw, however, was earlier this morning. Short run down as followed:

-I had a doctor's appointment at 11am. He doesn't wake up until around 3pm, so I didn't bother waking him up and making him tag along. We received GREAT news, and I was very happy once I got home. I stayed up for nearly 30 hours straight before going to the doctor due to being anxious. I had to get a shot while in the office, and a side effect was drowsiness. Since I hadn't slept, and I had just received a shot that was going to make me sleep - I ended up going to bed at 4pm, waking up at 3:30am, and going back to sleep until my husband woke me up at 3pm.

-He woke me up to go buy groceries. I was a bit annoyed, but not visibly. Yet. I asked him why couldn't he run to the store (I mean, obviously, I was sleeping and not really in the mood to go.) He gives me an excuse. I dismiss it, and ask again. Another excuse. Dismissed, round 3. He's ran out of excuses, so then sighs loudly and begins to pout. "I'll go." he says. Hell no. "No, don't worry about it. I'm going." I get up, get dressed, and begin to leave. "Why are you angry?" he asks. "I don't have time to discuss it, I'm going to the store." and I left. 

I feel as if it were obvious why I was annoyed. I also feel as if debating it while I was still annoyed would only result in a worse argument than if we talked about it later. Maybe after I got home. But, much to my dismay, he had decided to go to sleep! Within 20 minutes, he was knocked out... and I had hours upon hours to contemplate exactly how angry I was.

Now, the outcome was as I expected. Once he woke up, he was still pouting. Claiming he 'wasn't angry, just depressed'. That's what he says when he's wanting me to feel bad. That's how he guilt trips me into sucking it up and resolving the issue on my own. But I'm sick of it. I used a calm tone and assertively told him that we need to talk. This behavior is unacceptable. He tried some more, explaining how he is simply too depressed to talk. Once he realized I wasn't having any of his nonsense, he started getting angry. Being stubborn, I refused to let him intimidate me and demanded he explain what entitles him to be able to do NOTHING, have all the say in EVERYTHING, and expect me to stay. 

What's his reply?

"10 minutes of being uncomfortable and you're threatening to leave me. You don't believe in divorce, but now you're going to divorce me."

Cute, but no. I didn't say I was leaving. I never mentioned divorce. I wanted to know why I should continue to do everything short of wiping his ass and still have my needs neglected. Again, no surprise when he's decided he's far to exhausted to speak anymore (despite sleeping all day) and shuts down. 

If this situation was reversed (and it has been) then I'm absolutely the worst person on this planet. I should be begging for his forgiveness, and offering my soul to him. If his feelings are hurt, I immediately realize what I've done wrong, apologize, and try my best to make it right. But when I'm the one who is upset - "It was only a joke! You're being too sensitive! Go smoke, you're getting cranky!" etc. No apology, and I'm left to sort through the wreckage of my self esteem on my own.


So, now I begin the question - 

What do I do? When I say that he REALLY doesn't care, I mean it. If I were to leave tonight, he'd be perfectly fine with that as long as I left him enough money to order take out each night. I'm hurt, and I'm tired of feeling like my emotions should be left at the door before approaching him.

I don't want to get a divorce, and I don't want to leave... but what can I do to make it clear to him that this nonsense will NOT be tolerated?

We don't have children together. He doesn't have friends or family to go stay with (he's not from here, I am). 

Please help me.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

There is a lot that needs to be addressed in your post. Too much to go into at this hour, so I'll start here. You stated that you are having fertility issues. I think the most important question you should be asking yourself is, after everything you have written, here, why in the Hell would you be considering having children with this man who won't work, does nothing, seems to believe he is entitled to everything, and doesn't care for you? No child deserves to be brought into the world with that kind of father. If you think he will be a better father than he is a husband, think again. Having a baby would simply mean that you would, now, have two totally dependent human beings to take care of instead of the one you already have.

Run away.......... As fast as you can!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with EI, and had the same thoughts. Why in the world do you want to have children with this child? I'm thinking you're not going to be able to rely on him for child care either. 

The whole dynamic is dysfunctional. Having children is only going to make things worse. But you don't want the only advice that I can offer. So all I can say is "good luck"! And maybe to suggest you get individual counselling, so you can figure out why you're putting up with this, and adding more onto yourself.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh. And I forgot one of the best parts. He will be teaching the kids how to treat you. So you can expect a family of entitled little clones of him.

C


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

EI said:


> Run away.......... As fast as you can!



This,

and visit a therapist to have analysed how you could end up with someone like him, 

....and not want to quit this by yourself.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Kari- said:


> He's ran out of excuses, so then sighs loudly and begins to pout. "I'll go." he says. Hell no. "No, don't worry about it. I'm going." I get up, get dressed, and begin to leave.



There's a lot to say about your situation, but this one thing jumped out at me. Why would you go to the store when a) you didn't want to and b) he had just agreed to go himself? 

Look at your own role in the disfunction. How exactly is he able to not work and do so little? Who would be enabling him?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The whole store thing was a little childish. You pushed and pushed and he finally said he'd go and you made the whole argument pointless by going anyway. Instead of attacking, a better method of dealing with it might've been to tell him you didn't want to go today, that if he felt it was necessary, could he deal with it please, and then gone back to bed. No arguments necessary, no need to hear flimsy excuses, you've passed the buck back to him and left him with it.

As for the rest, you're in for a world of pain if you have children with a person who cannot take care of you or your children. He is dead weight. You will end up being a single Mum with the added bonus of an incredibly aggravating partner to make you feel like crap every day.

First things first, I think you should take having children off the table until he's found work. Make a roster for chores, talk with him about what needs doing and split them up between you, because washing up and looking after the animals is not enough if he's home all day every day.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This post sounds trollish to me. As do a couple of other posts around here later.



> -I'm his second wife, and I'm considerably younger than he is. He's my first husband.


And it seems like the younger women are getting the dregs around here.

In the event that I am wrong, I side with EI. Kari, you are extremely selfish to want to bring a child into the situation that you have with your husband. And he is unlikely to get better. 

What kind of job do you have? How certain is it? Where are you getting money for fertility treatments?


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Married only 4 months and you saw no hints of this beforehand? This man only wants a Mummy to cater to his needs and believes he is entitled to it. My ex was like this - and it wears you down. You lose all respect for the man because of his spineless and lazy ways and become resentful that he is not interested in you as a person, only as a carer. I already see a 'parental' tone in your approach - believe me this won't get you what you need from him, because he isn't interested in what you need or want, he's only interested in his needs. And I imagine like me you will need to use it more and more because it's the only thing he understands, but he will never meet you on equal ground. 

Other people have mentioned the child concern, so I won't add to already excellent advice and concerns, but I also want to point out his avoidance tactics. Sleeping and 'depression' are one way to cop out - my ex did this, too. If he didn't want to deal with anything, including me or issues, he would go to bed, any time of day. Oh, and he was 'depressed'. It's frustrating and demeaning to be just tuned out all the time. The other tactic he uses to avoid dealing with your feelings is the melodrama and to change subject, "you're leaving me". This is a ruse - it's designed to get off balance and off the topic so that you wind up explaining to him how you aren't leaving etc, and in the midst of this, you 'forget' what you were trying to talk about, and he gets off scot-free. My ex did this all the time, too, plus many, many other sly and sneaky tactics, often in the guise of being good for me, in order to get me to take care of him, or take responsiblity for him. After 7 years of this, I was so worn down I was broken. The guy withdrew sexual interest, conversational interest, affection or touch interest, all interest in me except as a means to get his needs met ,which included just having me around so he could avoid loneliness, within a year. And I kept thinking something was wrong with me and I could fix it. Or he would be inviting me on trips not because he wanted me especially, but because he didn't want to be on his own. This one is a good example of something that _looks_ generous or inclusive, but actually wasn't. I wound up after years of it emotionally exhausted and drained from this one-way street, he eventually resorted to actual temper tantrums and smashing things (it took a few years to build to this), and I was very confused and lonely, because the man just was not interested in me as a person, even if at times he looked like he did (usually fear of losing me if I really stood my ground), and was really only after someone to take care of him. He also was a perpetual 'victim', that is, things happened 'to' him, in his mind, he was never ever responsible or had any part in anything that happened in his life, it was always 'others are doing this'. I eventually learned that things like 'support' for me had another motive behind it. 

I hope you can find the strength to move on from this - I was warned by a counsellor once that if I stayed with this guy, this is what would eventually happen, and that is exactly how it turned out. I fear the same for you. I'm sorry, I wish I could offer you something positive, but I think you are being used and taken for a ride, and that your fear of his disapproval or perhaps even his anger is running the show a bit for you, here, which is why you ran out and got the groceries in the end. I surmise that you started to say what you needed, but then he managed to get you to feel guilty somehow,or rather, you managed to get yourself to feel guilty and perhaps 'bad' or 'irresponsible' if you didn't go get them, and so reversed your course. Anyway, I hope some of this helps somewhat.

Metta


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If he's showing you this side of himself after only 4 months, imagine what you're yet to find out...

It would be highly irresponsible and selfish of you both to bring children into this equation, and I do hope that you decide to move on from this unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he should grow the f*kck up. He's just a Big Baby!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, my hope for you is that you will soon decide that you want and deserve more than your so-called husband can offer.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

xfghdfjd said:


> -He is currently in legal trouble,


Unless you're directly involved in his "legal trouble," don't become part of it. If he's broken the law, it's up to him to face the music and learn from it. You don't have to pay the price for his wrongdoings - as well as everything else...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kari- said:


> -He does not work. He does not cook, clean the house, shop, etc.
> (He does clean after our 6 cats, and does dishes, takes out the trash, and wipes the counters down.)
> 
> -He is currently in legal trouble, and refuses to get a job. I'll be paying his fines.
> ...


Please re-read all of the above that you wrote. Why do you want to be with him? Truly. 

How much older is he? What are your ages? What kind of legal trouble is he in? Why doesn't he have a job? Is he looking for one? What do you mean "he's not from here?"


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Kari- said:


> what can I do to make it clear to him that this nonsense will NOT be tolerated?


Scare the s.h.i.t out of him.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Kari- said:


> -He woke me up to go buy groceries. I was a bit annoyed, but not visibly. Yet. I asked him why couldn't he run to the store (I mean, obviously, I was sleeping and not really in the mood to go.) He gives me an excuse. I dismiss it, and ask again. Another excuse. Dismissed, round 3. He's ran out of excuses, so then sighs loudly and begins to pout. "I'll go." he says. Hell no. "No, don't worry about it. I'm going." I get up, get dressed, and begin to leave. "Why are you angry?" he asks. "I don't have time to discuss it, I'm going to the store." and I left.


He manipulated you into doing exactly what he wanted you to do. You allowed his tactic to work so he's going to do it again and again.

I suggest reading Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft - Google Books There is a free preview at the link. Why does he do that? He does it because it works and because he feels entitled to the benefits he receives from the way he treats you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said he is older which means he probably isn't going to change.
What you see is what you get.

Why'd his first marriage end?

How old are you guys?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why are you dealing with fertility issues when you already have a child at home?

I'll allow for real depression, but only if he's willing to do something about it. Otherwise you are nothing but a mother, and a bad mother at that.

Seriously... you should have drawn a line in the sand a long time ago. Your only options now are to stick it out in this terrible situation of leave while you still have a future.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

He needs to get a job and once that happens you need to stop nagging him. Until these two things happen, don't even think about having a kid.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Do I interpret the "not from here" as in, not from the US? Are the legal problems you mentioned immigration related?

Ditto what everyone else said. What was the overwhelming reason you liked him so much and decided to get married?


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