# My indiscretion - should I take it to the grave?



## RandomFella (Feb 18, 2015)

I accept that many of the responses to this post will be negative and less than friendly - some may even dismiss me as a troll.
What I want to write about happened about 15 years ago. I had the day off work. My wife's friend drove past our house (she lived one block away) and noticed our car in the driveway so decided to stop by expecting my wife to be at home. I answered the door and invited her in for coffee. She is the flirty type and very soon our conversation became decidedly sexual. This eventually ended up with her giving me a BJ.
She was the aggressor and I was the passive participant. I accept this was no excuse to let things continue to this point - I was weak and should share the blame.
I am not being dismissive but it happened and I cannot change the past. The guilt, although fading with time, has ensured that I remain on the straight and narrow ever since.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Take it to the grave. I see nothing good can come of telling your wife this happened 15 years ago.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A Bartles & Jaymes? At that hour??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> The guilt, although fading with time, has ensured that I remain on the straight and narrow ever since.


Whatever helps you to stay on the straight and narrow is valuable. Your fading guilt is still bothering you and that is probably one of the reasons that you wrote this thread. I would make a list of the positive and the negative of you telling your wife. If the most important ones outweigh the lesser ones then you have some good information from which to evaluate.

Happlymarried25 is a woman and she has been married for 25+ years so she probably knows a lot about how a woman would feel about such things; I would take her post seriously. I would say that you can continue to use your guilt to keep you doing the right thing for her and you. Of course, at some point you want to get rid of the guilt and keep doing for yourself and your wife just because it is the right thing without any negative forcing you to do that. If you want to confess then ask your God to forgive you and see if that helps.

*Here is a question or you, your wife has been faithful to you for 15 years; would you want your wife to confess to you that she had sexual action thoughts about another man 15 years ago?*


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Tell your wife
By giving her all the real truth she has a chance to decide what's her next plan is, which is her right anyway
If you keep holding it in you're robbing her of that chance, read:entitlement, the base of any affair

Should share the blame ? You share the blame


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## katiestadri1 (Feb 19, 2015)

Definitely take it to the grave. 
As a woman I can tell you honestly what we don't know won't hurt us. However I kind of wonder how a woman just gives a BJ and goes home like it didn't happen. I don't do that very often and I am definitely not giving one without getting something in return so is there a little more to this story you just don't want to tell? Just curious because most men I know don't think a BJ is even considered cheating because they didn't do anything wrong, the woman did...lol.
Must have been a really amazing BJ if you remember it 15 years later


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Take it to the grave. I see nothing good can come of telling your wife this happened 15 years ago.


My husband is a wise man. One time my friend stopped by to give me something but I wasn't home. The house was a mess that day and I was worried about her seeing it. He said he didn't invite her in bc he didn't feel comfortable doing that with me not home. He got brownie points from me that day. Op if you are being honest and it was a one time thing, take it to your grave. Ignorance is bliss. I would not want to know. Since you gave into temptation so easily,I'd hope you set up some boundaries after that!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the way to look at it Dawg. If you don't tell her you will be plagued with guilt and know what a POS you are for allowing it to happen. However if you do tell her you will be plagued with guilt and know what a POS you are for allowing it to happen and she will likely be devastated. Pick you're poison.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife told you she gave one of your friends a BJ 15 years ago, would hearing about it now bring you two closer or add anything to your life? Take that crap to the grave. If you are reincarnated, continue keeping it a secret throughout your next life. If you do decide to unload that guilt on her, be prepared to hear some things she's done that you might wish you never knew about. If you decide to proceed with telling her, I'd leave out the part about this woman being the aggressor and forcing your penis into her mouth. Forgive the pun, but the story is a little hard to swallow.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I couldn't live with this lie. 

Honestly any chance you have of reconciliation will come if you confess. If she comes to find out on her own first, which always seems to happen, then the possibility of the forgivness is reduced.

Tell her. Your wife deserves honesty


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Take it to the grave, but never EVER let it leave your mind what a POS you were for letting it happen. 

It will keep you from letting it happen again...


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

RandomFella said:


> I accept that many of the responses to this post will be negative and less than friendly - some may even dismiss me as a troll.
> What I want to write about happened about 15 years ago. I had the day off work. My wife's friend drove past our house (she lived one block away) and noticed our car in the driveway so decided to stop by expecting my wife to be at home. I answered the door and invited her in for coffee. She is the flirty type and very soon our conversation became decidedly sexual. This eventually ended up with her giving me a BJ.
> She was the aggressor and I was the passive participant. I accept this was no excuse to let things continue to this point - I was weak and should share the blame.
> I am not being dismissive but it happened and I cannot change the past. The guilt, although fading with time, has ensured that I remain on the straight and narrow ever since.


Give your wife great oral 50 times in the next 5 days and all is forgotten.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

you were wrong then. it remains wrong to this day. what if this friend already told her those many years ago. guessing it was all planned as your W did not know you were off.


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Tell the TRUTH to God and to your WIFE and ask both for forgiveness. Then after that's done, forgive yourself. Then you can move on with your life in a healthy way and have a healthy marriage.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Please take this to your grave. Do not hurt her anymore...just love her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So you never finished the tale....

Is your wife still friends with this woman? What convos have you and this woman shared in the past 15 years? She has never flirted or forced herself on you again? 

"In the year Two-thousandddd"


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If your wife and her are close friends she may already know.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So, let's assume you're not a troll.
You call getting a BJ an "indiscretion," not a betrayal. Stop minimizing what you did.
You, sir, want to control your wife's right to decide how to live her life by withholding critical information. Or you just don't have sufficient inner strength to own your actions.

An honorable man would tell his wife and face the music.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Telling her might have been a wonderful idea about 15 years ago. Now, you've got a grenade which is laying next to a pile of TNT. The grenade is the BJ. The pile of TNT is the fact that you've kept it a secret for 15 years. 

If I were blissfully unaware of something similar my wife did 15 years ago, I would like very much to remain blissfully unaware. There is sufficient drama today to contend with without driving back in time 15 years to pick up this smelly load.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

I would want to know but if I did the relationship would change forever.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

I still say the biggest risk is the other woman. Was she married? Are they still part of your life or even live in the same town, state? Heck, even the same country? There's always that chance that she wants to cleanse her soul and tells or her hubby finds out and tells or she tells someone you don't even know and that person tells. That's about your only risk here that your wife finds out and it's from someone else and not you. Plus, you seem like a person with a conscience so that's probably going to nibble away at you for the rest of your life.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd take it to the grave. 

If you have a chance to find out your wife's attitude - say, if the situation comes up in a movie or TV show - ask her if you want. Theoretically. Would she want to know about a long ago never repeated indiscretion, or would it be better not to know? Tell her what you'd want - I'm assuming that you'd not want to know. You may not change what you decide to do, but if she says she'd rather not know, then you may find a little more peace.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

CincyBluesFan said:


> I still say the biggest risk is the other woman. Was she married? Are they still part of your life or even live in the same town, state? Heck, even the same country? There's always that chance that she wants to cleanse her soul and tells or her hubby finds out and tells or she tells someone you don't even know and that person tells. That's about your only risk here that your wife finds out and it's from someone else and not you. Plus, you seem like a person with a conscience so that's probably going to nibble away at you for the rest of your life.


That used to be the biggest risk. Now, everyone with internet access is a potential snitch. Another suggestion for people who wish to keep secrets....don't put your confession on the internet.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I hope you haven't been letting the friend around her or you since then. If you have, then that says even more about your character. As it is, I find it hard to believe that this just randomly happened with someone you know stopping by your house. If you can't be fully honest with your wife or internet strangers, at least be honest with yourself.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

ThirtyYearsIn said:


> I would want to know but if I did the relationship would change forever.


The relationship has already forever changed. He is now remaining on the straight and narrow, as I see it, solely because of guilt.

I am staying out of this one as I can see it won't really matter.

I find it interesting that the entire description and subsequent guilt seems to be described very clinically and with little emotion, either way except the feeling of guilt he currently holds.

I think the key thing here is that no where does the OP mention love for his BW, timeframe they had been married, or anything else pertinent to the situation. It feels that he is remaining not due to love or anything related to the BS, but instead rather than admitting his weakness and faults. It feels almost as if he is just biding his time, and staying because of his guilt and that is his sole motivator. That is my take on it, and the reason he is afraid to admit the issues, not for her sake, but to relieve his soul entirely. He fell prey to quickly so I believe that there is more to the story than just the one incident (such as extensive marital problems, etc).

My $0.02 on this. I feel telling is the correct thing to of, but then again what do I know as I have always done the correct and moral thing,


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> So, let's assume you're not a troll.
> You call getting a BJ an "indiscretion," not a betrayal. Stop minimizing what you did.
> You, sir, want to control your wife's right to decide how to live her life by withholding critical information. Or you just don't have sufficient inner strength to own your actions.
> 
> An honorable man would tell his wife and face the music.


I am with you and will have to settle for quoting you. If I used my own words, I would get banned.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am an advocate of complete honesty in a marriage. However, you case involves not just being honest but also being timely. I believe your wife should have had the choice to decide 15 years ago. You have now added extended deception to betrayal. You have dealt with the guilt for 15 years and since you are the perpetrator that is how it should be. I see nothing to be gained by inflicting this pain on your wife by "cleansing your soul" now save your own absolution. I suggest you take it with you to whatever exists beyond this life, if anything does, and hope we are all not knowledgeable of what transpired in this life else you may be in for some turbulence. Live with the knowledge and guilt that although your wife has been faithful to you, you could not do likewise.

You indicated that the guilt has kept you "on the straight and narrow" so do not relinquish it lest you veer off again.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I am an advocate of complete honesty in a marriage. However, you case involves not just being honest but also being timely. I believe your wife should have had the choice to decide 15 years ago. You have now added extended deception to betrayal. You have dealt with the guilt for 15 years and since you are the perpetrator that is how it should be. I see nothing to be gained by inflicting this pain on your wife by "cleansing your soul" now save your own absolution. I suggest you take it with you to whatever exists beyond this life, if anything does, and hope we are all not knowledgeable of what transpired in this life else you may be in for some turbulence. Live with the knowledge and guilt that although your wife has been faithful to you, you could not do likewise.
> 
> You indicated that the guilt has kept you "on the straight and narrow" so do not relinquish it lest you veer off again.


So, now there is a statute of limitations on cheating? If you can keep it hidden for x years, you get off the hook and don't have to deal with the consequences of your actions? Please tell me where the cutoff is.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

altawa said:


> So, now there is a statute of limitations on cheating? If you can keep it hidden for x years, you get off the hook and don't have to deal with the consequences of your actions? Please tell me where the cutoff is.


The day the Divorce is granted!! LOL


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> That used to be the biggest risk. Now, everyone with internet access is a potential snitch. Another suggestion for people who wish to keep secrets....don't put your confession on the internet.


Good point. I've read right here on TAM so many people that have found cheaters, spouses of cheaters, workplaces of cheaters, family members of cheaters, etc. on Facebook and exposed them there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Provided that this woman is still very good friends with your W, then I'd greatly consider leaving it alone! But not withstanding, I would still get with your pastor or with an IC for immediate counsel.

But if however, this woman is no longer friends with your W, then I'd judge accordingly, still applying prayer and counsel before reaching a decision.

In any event, pray to God asking for His forgiveness! If your conscience then dictates that you tell her, then do so!

The only possible retribution that you now entertain is the outside chance that your W ultimately comes to learn about this episode from her, or God only know's, from the scurilous "hearsay" of some conniving third party!*


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Provided that this woman is still very good friends with your W, then I'd greatly consider leaving it alone! *


I would actually say the opposite. How offensive to think this woman is still around his wife (and him) after what happened. Do they think it's cute that they share a secret around her? If the "friend" is involved in their lives in any way shape or form, then she must be cut off...which will most likely mean the truth comes out.

But seriously, how many on TAM think it's ok to just not tell and still allow this woman to come around?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If the wife ever finds out, she will see the entire relationship as a lie from the day of the BJ. So, at this point she will see 15 years as a lie. But if she doesn't find out for another 10 years she will see 25 years as a lie.

Because every single day is an opportunity to tell the truth, every day which goes by without telling her the truth is an intentional deception.

Not telling her means inflicting even more pain on her when she does find out the truth. So keeping the secret is not harmless, it is choosing to make the eventual pain even greater.

The only way there is zero chance of the wife ever finding out is if the OW is dead and never told anyone else. There is no way to know who else she told, and presumably she is still alive. Which means there remains some significant chance the wife will eventually find out.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Randomcheater, its pretty simple. If you respect your wife you'll come clean, although you should have come clean years ago to give her the courtesy of letting her decide if she wanted to continue with you. Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life. 

Same thing happened to me. I found out years later, as well as the ongoing cheating, and I was robbed of several years of my life I'll never get back.

So if you respect her, you'll tell her. If you don't, you'll keep your mouth shut. So if you take the advice to keep quiet, then sorry to say you don't respect her. While you might think the decision to deny her the truth is the right one because so much time has passed and you think you are a changed man, the fact remains...you disrespected her and continue to do so by keeping her in the dark about what you did.

Others are saying no good will come of it and advising you to keep quiet. I disagree. God help your wife if you are ever on a business trip and some woman comes on to you and wants to go back to your room.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Randomcheater, its pretty simple. If you respect your wife you'll come clean, although you should have come clean years ago to give her the courtesy of letting her decide if she wanted to continue with you. Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life.
> 
> Same thing happened to me. I found out years later, as well as the ongoing cheating, and I was robbed of several years of my life I'll never get back.
> 
> ...


Oh, but nothing would ever happen.....he _feels_ guilty, and wouldn't cheat. 

I agree with you, he effectively stole 15 years of her life. And people here are urging him to continue doing it.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Randomcheater, its pretty simple. If you respect your wife you'll come clean, although you should have come clean years ago to give her the courtesy of letting her decide if she wanted to continue with you. Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life.
> 
> Same thing happened to me. I found out years later, as well as the ongoing cheating, and I was robbed of several years of my life I'll never get back.
> 
> ...


Good post. I'm sorry to say I was one of the ones initially saying to take it to the grave. That was from a perspective of someone who has never cheated or been cheated on (while married). I think I've changed my mind since reading this. You're right about her being robbed of the choice and living a lie for 15 years. These different perspectives are why this is a good forum.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life.


Depending on the individual, this could be seen as a bigger betrayal than the act itself. If the roles were reversed, I would want to know. I would also be firmly applying boot to ass, so the risk is yours.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

All of this condemnation rests of the presumption that wife has no secrets of her own. She could have secrets that make his look like choir practice. If one of my wife's friends just spontaneously showed up and announced her desire to give me knob, I'd have to wonder if my wife wasn't behind it, perhaps to knock me off any moral high ground I occupied or to keep me comfortably occupied while she did something similar, elsewhere. The BJ fairy just doesn't usually just pop in at my house, unexpected.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

dude, you asked for opinions. here's one.

your cheating happened years ago. her dday is the moment she finds out.

i seriously hate cheaters. you, sir - do not deserve your wife. your entire life has been fraud. how dare you.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Good post. I'm sorry to say I was one of the ones initially saying to take it to the grave. That was from a perspective of someone who has never cheated or been cheated on (while married). I think I've changed my mind since reading this. You're right about her being robbed of the choice and living a lie for 15 years. These different perspectives are why this is a good forum.


I'm glad you came over here to CWI after the discussion in the other section. It just provides a different perspective.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> All of this condemnation rests of the presumption that wife has no secrets of her own. She could have secrets that make his look like choir practice. If one of my wife's friends just spontaneously showed up and announced her desire to give me knob, I'd have to wonder if my wife wasn't behind it, perhaps to knock me off any moral high ground I occupied or to keep me comfortably occupied while she did something similar, elsewhere. *The BJ fairy just doesn't usually just pop in at my house, unexpected.*


Which makes me think there was more than just one time. Perhaps an EA first?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Is it _telling _the OP has not responded to any of this?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Ripper said:


> Depending on the individual, this could be seen as a bigger betrayal than the act itself. If the roles were reversed, I would want to know. I would also be firmly applying boot to ass, so the risk is yours.


Which is why he will chicken out and she will continue to live a lie. He came here either to troll or to get reassurance for what he was already doing and wants to continue doing. Unfortunately, he got that. 

I feel so bad for his wife. She deserves so much more.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> All of this condemnation rests of the presumption that wife has no secrets of her own. She could have secrets that make his look like choir practice. If one of my wife's friends just spontaneously showed up and announced her desire to give me knob, I'd have to wonder if my wife wasn't behind it, perhaps to knock me off any moral high ground I occupied or to keep me comfortably occupied while she did something similar, elsewhere. The BJ fairy just doesn't usually just pop in at my house, unexpected.


Is this your way of blaming her for this? Seriously? What secret do you think this person has that justifies him cheating on her?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

In another thread he says his wife has been on TAM account?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...52129-does-your-so-read-tam.html#post11949457

Methinks if this was true he would not have posted this story, unless he's begging to be caught. Or this story involves a bridge.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would tell. But then again, I am a grown up. Oh, and I love and respect my wife more than you. Oh, and I work harder at and respect my marriage more than you. You get the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

altawa said:


> Is this your way of blaming her for this? Seriously? What secret do you think this person has that justifies him cheating on her?


I agree. We can assume til the cows come home if his wife has also been faithful. UB, you are a level headed poster I believe. Lets not assume his wife did any kind of cheating too unless OP indicates that he thinks so.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

As a wife who did find out about a one-night-stand....DO NOT TELL HER.

The knowledge and mental movies last for years. Actually, forever. 

You can forgive, it's the forgeting that sucks.

Not to mention the revenge affair, which I came very close to doing.

No good will come from telling her....ever.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> As a wife who did find out about a one-night-stand....DO NOT TELL HER.
> 
> The knowledge and mental movies last for years. Actually, forever.
> 
> ...


So you would much rather live the lie that was your life. Especially in this case where the AP was a good friend.

I dont agree. The issues only remain when you do.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> As a wife who did find out about a one-night-stand....DO NOT TELL HER.
> 
> The knowledge and mental movies last for years. Actually, forever.
> 
> ...



Was the ONS with one of your friends? I could possibly agree with you if the ONS was a random hookup at a bar (depending on circumstances), but a close friend who did this in your own home? A friend who may still be around your family? You still wouldn't want to know?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> So you would much rather live the lie that was your life. Especially in this case where the AP was a good friend.
> 
> I dont agree. The issues only remain when you do.


My life has not been a lie.

My DH made a mistake that was enhanced by alcohol and low-life co-workers.

He was forgiven. I, however, cannot forget, and I remember the date every year even though it happened years ago. 

I would have been no worst off for never knowing...actually I would have been entirely better off. 

People make mistakes, use poor judgement, and do stupid things...we don't need to take others down with us when we do.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Was the ONS with one of your friends? I could possibly agree with you if the ONS was a random hookup at a bar (depending on circumstances), but a close friend who did this in your own home? A friend who may still be around your family? You still wouldn't want to know?


Fifteen years later? Friend or bar fly or hooker, no, I don't need to know at this late date.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

altawa said:


> Is this your way of blaming her for this? Seriously? What secret do you think this person has that justifies him cheating on her?


Of course not. He's responsible for wherever his penis ends up. Just saying his wife may not be the innocent victim folks here assume that she is. He shouldn't have done it. If he was going to tell her, he should have told her then. At this point, 15 years later, I fail to see anything good coming out of a disclosure and a whole bunch of potential for bad. She's lived with him every day for 15 years after this event. That 15 years tells her more about him than 20 minutes worth of BJ 15 years ago would. What would the "truth" tell her? That she married a flawed human? Did she believe he had wings? Is she not also a flawed human and might she not be carrying around secrets that trouble her every bit as much, maybe even more? 
Would she be better off divorced? Would that make her happier? Make her life easier?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> My life has not been a lie.
> 
> My DH made a mistake that was enhanced by alcohol and low-life co-workers.
> 
> ...


If you lived without the truth, then you lived a lie. So you would have been living a lie having never have known and you can't say whether you would have been better off or not. No one knows that. I know that my STBX and others on here, repeated the deeds when no consequences were dealt out (known or not) so you don't know that it wouldn't have gotten worse.

Sorry if you don't like my response, but you are an enabler if you are willing to blame coworkers, alcohol and everything else for his actions. He made a choice and not a mistake (as there was no good intentions in what he did, which are the basis of all mistakes). Saying and believing those things are just enabling him with his past issues. 

Glad it hasn't happened further (that you are aware of) but now you are more vigilent having known the truth. Yes it sucks, but you now know the truth.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> As a wife who did find out about a one-night-stand....DO NOT TELL HER.
> 
> The knowledge and mental movies last for years. Actually, forever.
> 
> ...


There you have it Random. Let yourself off the hook. Take it to your grave. Listen to this and get away with it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Of course not. He's responsible for wherever his penis ends up. Just saying his wife may not be the innocent victim folks here assume that she is. He shouldn't have done it. If he was going to tell her, he should have told her then. At this point, 15 years later, I fail to see anything good coming out of a disclosure and a whole bunch of potential for bad. She's lived with him every day for 15 years after this event. That 15 years tells her more about him than 20 minutes worth of BJ 15 years ago would. What would the "truth" tell her? That she married a flawed human? Did she believe he had wings? Is she not also a flawed human and might she not be carrying around secrets that trouble her every bit as much, maybe even more?
> Would she be better off divorced? Would that make her happier? Make her life easier?


She doesn't know what those 15 years are telling her about him as lots of his actions and thoughts have been based on lies and covering them up. Does that make it a good life since he hasn't cheated again but continues to act solely out of fear and guilt?? Is that a good life to live??


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Fifteen years later? Friend or bar fly or hooker, no, I don't need to know at this late date.


Ya, well here is the problem. If he is ever in a hotel room hundreds of miles away on business or something, if he got away with it once, he'll figure he can get away with it again.

Afterall, its just a ONS, right? That's what not telling and getting away with cheating does....teaches them a very valuable lesson. Maybe in your case it won't happen again because you are a little more wise as to the capability of your H.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> If you lived without the truth, then you lived a lie. So you would have been living a lie having never have known and you can't say whether you would have been better off or not. No one knows that. I know that my STBX and others on here, repeated the deeds when no consequences were dealt out (known or not) so you don't know that it wouldn't have gotten worse.
> 
> Sorry if you don't like my response, but you are an enabler if you are willing to blame coworkers, alcohol and everything else for his actions. He made a choice and not a mistake (as there was no good intentions in what he did, which are the basis of all mistakes). Saying and believing those things are just enabling him with his past issues.
> 
> Glad it hasn't happened further (that you are aware of) but now you are more vigilent having known the truth. Yes it sucks, but you now know the truth.


What a load of crap. Are you just another bitter TAM BS that wants everyone to suffer because you are/did?

I did get the truth, and I can promise you I wish that is one "truth" I didn't know. I have suffered with that knowledge since it happened. There are mental pictures I cannot erase. It was one time, and he felt remorse. Good for him. It was one time that I, however, cannot ever forget. Is he forgiven? Yes.

That doesn't lesson the impact on me one bit, and since it was a one time deal, the ignorance would have been bliss.

As for sharing blame with his coworkers and booze....I knew them well, they WERE part of the problem and alcohol is always happy to assist in stupidity.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I for one would always want to know. There were several people that didn't come forward when they knew my x-wife was cheating on me before marriage and early on. 

They could have helped me save several years off my life with her and I'm not real happy with them about it.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Of course not. He's responsible for wherever his penis ends up. Just saying his wife may not be the innocent victim folks here assume that she is. He shouldn't have done it. If he was going to tell her, he should have told her then. At this point, 15 years later, I fail to see anything good coming out of a disclosure and a whole bunch of potential for bad. She's lived with him every day for 15 years after this event. That 15 years tells her more about him than 20 minutes worth of BJ 15 years ago would. What would the "truth" tell her? That she married a flawed human? Did she believe he had wings? Is she not also a flawed human and might she not be carrying around secrets that trouble her every bit as much, maybe even more?
> Would she be better off divorced? Would that make her happier? Make her life easier?


She has spent the last 15 years with a confirmed liar. You seriously think this is the only thing he has lied about? Even if it is, it was not his decision to make as to whether or not to continue the relationship, it was hers. And it is a decision that was taken from her, leading to 15 years of her life wasted on a liar.

Your whole post smacks of blameshifting (she's probably no angel), a statute of limitations on cheating, and complete lack of consequences for cheaters.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I for one would always want to know. There were several people that didn't come forward when they knew my x-wife was cheating on me before marriage and early on.
> 
> They could have helped me save several years off my life with her and I'm not real happy with them about it.


Understood...but there is a big difference between one indiscretion and habitual cheating.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> What a load of crap. Are you just another bitter TAM BS that wants everyone to suffer because you are/did?
> 
> I did get the truth, and I can promise you I wish that is one "truth" I didn't know. I have suffered with that knowledge since it happened. There are mental pictures I cannot erase. It was one time, and he felt remorse. Good for him. It was one time that I, however, cannot ever forget. Is he forgiven? Yes.
> 
> ...


Labeling someone as a 'bitter TAMer' because you don't agree with their position....nice.

The truth of the matter is that in the end, you got to make a decision, and you decided to stay. She doesn't get that choice.....he is keeping that ability from her, and has for 15years. There is no place on this planet that behavior like that should be acceptable, yet here we see people not only accepting it, but condoning it.:scratchhead:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Understood...but there is a big difference between one indiscretion and habitual cheating.


Yes, and if you had never found out about his "one indiscretion" it could have very likely repeated.

I never found out. She got away with it. She learned a valuable lesson, that she could get away with it......for a while. Too many times no consequences = no change.

And I don't care if it is one "indiscretion". Once they cheat, they are no longer worth my time.

So like I said, the OP can keep his trap shut and deny his wife the truth. Then when eventually when he finds himself on business, or otherwise, far far away from his wife in a hotel room, if the opportunity presents himself, he will know......that he can get away with it again.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Understood...but there is a big difference between one indiscretion and habitual cheating.


Oh really, please enlighten us......are you of the camp that sometimes cheating is ok? Did the vows he took that day just become null and valid during the duration of the blowjob?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> What a load of crap. Are you just another bitter TAM BS that wants everyone to suffer because you are/did?
> 
> I did get the truth, and I can promise you I wish that is one "truth" I didn't know. I have suffered with that knowledge since it happened. There are mental pictures I cannot erase. It was one time, and he felt remorse. Good for him. It was one time that I, however, cannot ever forget. Is he forgiven? Yes.
> 
> ...



I'll say the same to you, what a load of crap. I am not bitter but thanks for assuming. Yes life is hard and I am hurt (just like you), but you are the one that sounds bitter and resentful. I didn't cheat on you, but you are hurt and don't like my viewpoint so I guess it is fair for you to take your hurt feelings for your Ws out on me.

I am just facing the facts. My WS didn't come clean and even though she said she felt guilt, she didn't atone for it and hid it. Therefor when faced with temptation again, repeated the deed (and there was 15 years between the incidents). I guess my pain and hurt doesn't count though as I don't share your viewpoint and you are the only one that is right?

Alcohol only lowers inhibitions to do what one wanted to in the first place. If someone were so drunk to have not been in control of their faculties, they wouldn't have been able to "rise to the occasion" (believe me as a man I know how this works, something that women don't deal with or can't/won't understand as they aren't affected the same way, it is still possible for them when extremely intoxicated) and do anything about it. Only blaming the co-workers, friends, and alcohol, is playing into his hand. 

You can say load of crap, but lots of us on here have lived it so our opinions are no less valid than yours. Even my WS said that once the line is crossed it is that much easier the next time around so believe what you want and make excuses if it eases your mind and makes you feel better.

I wish you the best.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

If OP been married for that long, then he probably should know if the wife wants the truth or to bring it to the grave. My spouse and I spoke about this before. He would want to know but I prefer not to but I also said I don't know as being betrayed by someone you trust wholeheartedly is really very painful.

As for OP, it makes me wonder what's the main objective to tellling. To ease your guilt? This should have been brought up/confessed to the spouse 15years ago, not later. I feel telling the truth is going to hurt the wife, if OP is true to not committing another deed again then I agree he should take it to the grave. If he wasn't sincere admitting isn't going to stop him from messing around anyway. 

Ultimately would the wife wants to know? Would she be happier knowing? Would this help solve anything or make things worst? And how old is she now? It be really awful to shatter her beautiful happy life that she thinks she is living in. As someone said you can forgive but forgetting is the problem. Once again to OP, do you think your wife wants to know after 15years?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Understood...but there is a big difference between one indiscretion and habitual cheating.


Not really, just one more taken opportunity! 2 or more makes one a serial/habitual cheater and once the line is crossed it gets easier the next time around (been told this by many serials). Also EA's count, as generally ONS don't just happen, they are preceded by something more.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

altawa said:


> Labeling someone as a 'bitter TAMer' because you don't agree with their position....nice.
> 
> The truth of the matter is that in the end, you got to make a decision, and you decided to stay. She doesn't get that choice.....he is keeping that ability from her, and has for 15years. There is no place on this planet that behavior like that should be acceptable, yet here we see people not only accepting it, but condoning it.:scratchhead:


I read TAM...a lot. There are a lot of very bitter people here who want everyone else to suffer along with them, hence the urgency to contact the other spouse, the in-laws, the friends, the workplace, the dog and God.

That might make you feel better in the short term. It won't fix your over-riding issues. 

This was one time that happened years ago....who here is the same person they were 15 years ago? As a spouse of someone who did this...I'm telling you...let it go. What was 15 years ago to you will be TODAY for her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

altawa said:


> She has spent the last 15 years with a confirmed liar. You seriously think this is the only thing he has lied about? Even if it is, it was not his decision to make as to whether or not to continue the relationship, it was hers. And it is a decision that was taken from her, leading to 15 years of her life wasted on a liar.
> 
> Your whole post smacks of blameshifting (she's probably no angel), a statute of limitations on cheating, and complete lack of consequences for cheaters.


Without knowing this woman, why would you assume she has been completely faithful and truthful throughout her marriage? Statistics show 25% of married folks commit adultery at some point in their marriage. You believe we'd be better off with 25% more divorces? In all honesty, you don't know which of these two players is the greater victim of deceit. You can guess or assume but you don't know. That's not blame shifting, it's just putting emotions away and honestly admitting we don't know everything about this couple.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

It's very intriguing reading theads like this and seeing the different perspectives of WS's vs BS's. I think valuable research data could be compiled here.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

LonelyinLove - Whether we agree or disagree, you have the right to your opinion.

My only question for you is if the situation was similar to OP's, where your close personal friend had sexual relations with your husband in YOUR home, would you not want to know? Would you be ok that she's still around your family as long as you don't know? 

If so, ok we will have to agree to disagree. That shouldn't make either of us bitter.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Without knowing this woman, why would you assume she has been completely faithful and truthful throughout her marriage? Statistics show 25% of married folks commit adultery at some point in their marriage. You believe we'd be better off with 25% more divorces? In all honesty, you don't know which of these two players is the greater victim of deceit. You can guess or assume but you don't know. That's not blame shifting, it's just putting emotions away and honestly admitting we don't know everything about this couple.


The statistics are overwhelmingly higher that cheaters will indeed cheat again at some point in time.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Without knowing this woman, why would you assume she has been completely faithful and truthful throughout her marriage? Statistics show 25% of married folks commit adultery at some point in their marriage. You believe we'd be better off with 25% more divorces? In all honesty, you don't know which of these two players is the greater victim of deceit. You can guess or assume but you don't know. That's not blame shifting, it's just putting emotions away and honestly admitting we don't know everything about this couple.


Although these statistics may show that, it doesn't mean that everyone is automatically a cheater and because they were married to one that they automatically become one their self (or were one first). Just because one spouse is bad, doesn't mean the other automatically is. Yet you have labeled her a cheater, player, and various other things, just because her husband did cheat. 

Yes your scenarios might be likely, but then again they may not. It is not fair to label her as deserving when you know nothing about her (in fact it was never even insinuated that she had done anything wrong the entire time, yet you feel the need to treat her as such. Where is the fairness in that? Without the proof (other than some statistics) it is blame shifting if you are making her the object of attention here.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

so, OP is clear to repeat the transgression, so long as he keeps it all a secret.

if it works the first time...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I get paid a pretty decent living to dig up the truth. I get paid because things are seldom as cut and dry as they initially are reported. Good guys aren't always good and bad guys aren't always that bad. If his wife had secretly nailed four guys in the past 15 years wouldn't it change your view of her status as a victim? I've met very few saints.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I get paid a pretty decent living to dig up the truth. I get paid because things are seldom as cut and dry as they initially are reported. Good guys aren't always good and bad guys aren't always that bad. If his wife had secretly nailed four guys in the past 15 years wouldn't it change your view of her status as a victim? I've met very few saints.


She is still a victim of his lies and deceit. Would her actions make his less egregious? Possibly, but that would then make him the victim in her charade just as she is the victim in his. There is no excuse for infidelity, and whether she did it or not, doesn't justify his infidelity. They would just both be wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right and one's actions doesn't erase the other's actions.

Infidelity is stand alone events, and even RA's are unacceptable. No justification exists for cheating, yet you are creating one here.

Your villianization of her to make his actions more acceptable or less heinous is unnecessary and uncalled for. Until we know otherwise it is only fair to give her the benefit of the doubt.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

she does not know she's a victim. he does. we do not know he's a victim. we know only one thing.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

For all of you clammering that one sin begets another, i.e....once a cheat, always a cheat...have you missed his obvious remorse? 

Or, how about the knowledge of your spouses sin enabling your own?

Who is to say what effect this knowledge will have on the wife?

For myself, I swore that one day I would get even in the same way...and what would that have accomplished, except a monentary personal satifaction, but one that would have destroyed my DH the one time cheater. 

He should have come clean 15 years ago but now? No. There is no point in it except to hurt the wife. 

And this crap about living a lie for 15 years? How do you know?

Have they been happy years? They are still together. How does one mistake erase 15 years of happy and successful? 

Waiting to see who casts the first stone....


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> I read TAM...a lot. There are a lot of very bitter people here who want everyone else to suffer along with them, hence the urgency to contact the other spouse, the in-laws, the friends, the workplace, the dog and God.
> 
> That might make you feel better in the short term. It won't fix your over-riding issues.
> 
> This was one time that happened years ago....who here is the same person they were 15 years ago? As a spouse of someone who did this...I'm telling you...let it go. What was 15 years ago to you will be TODAY for her.


And she still has a right to that information and the decision that she chooses to make because of it. You are talking from a position of knowledge...you got to find out. For all you know, she would want to know. But, she is living in a position of ignorance because of the willful act of the person that is supposed to love, honor, and cherish her. She has been played a fool for more than a decade.

That is unacceptable.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

OP maybe should drop the first stone on his head.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Okay, I guess most of you walk on water.

Who knew, I thought only one man did....


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Encouraging the OP to keep this betrayal from his wife? To have her live a lie the rest of her life? To rob her of the choice? 

Cowardly advice... 

If you can't accept the consequences of KNOWING what kind of person you are married to then that's your own weakness and a self-respect issue you should try to address with counseling.

Why stop at one indiscretion? Why not 10 or 100 or hell hide all of them? Why 15 years? Why not 15 months or 15 days? After all, ignorance is bliss! What's the real difference besides some arbitrary value?

Sorry, but morality doesn't have an expiration date... OP you made your bed. Lay in it. Man up and own your sh!t. She deserves to know who you REALLY are.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I get paid a pretty decent living to dig up the truth. I get paid because things are seldom as cut and dry as they initially are reported. Good guys aren't always good and bad guys aren't always that bad. If his wife had secretly nailed four guys in the past 15 years wouldn't it change your view of her status as a victim? I've met very few saints.


I have LE background, I know all about things not being cut and dried. I also know not to create something where it isnt, and you are trying to make her out to be a bad person in order to help the OP blameshift and justify the lies.

And if his wife had nailed four guys, I would be telling her the same damn thing. It has nothing to do with gender.....it has to do with honesty, honoring ones vows, and her (or him if the situation was flipped) having ALL the information to make decisions that affect his/her life.

But, lets go with your flipped scenario and say she nailed four guys: If she hid it for 15 years, should she be free of the consequences of that action, and should he have to live in ignorance and continue to live that lie.....should he still have to allow her to make that decision for him?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Without knowing this woman, why would you assume she has been completely faithful and truthful throughout her marriage? Statistics show 25% of married folks commit adultery at some point in their marriage. You believe we'd be better off with 25% more divorces? In all honesty, you don't know which of these two players is the greater victim of deceit. You can guess or assume but you don't know. That's not blame shifting, it's just putting emotions away and honestly admitting we don't know everything about this couple.


So, its ok because she _might_ have cheated....even though there is *zero evidence* of that, or any other problems.......that is the argument you want to hang your hat on? Nothing like manufacturing a story to back your position, huh.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Okay, I guess most of you walk on water.
> 
> Who knew, I thought only one man did....


I see you're making religious (Christian) references. If so, how could you reconcile telling someone to lie? Isn't part of Christian atonement and redemption to confess your sins to those you've sinned against? I do believe it is.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> For all of you clammering that one sin begets another, i.e....once a cheat, always a cheat...have you missed his obvious remorse?
> 
> Or, how about the knowledge of your spouses sin enabling your own?
> 
> ...


Which obvious remorse? The remorse where he hid it for 15 years and never addressed it with her, never gave her the common courtesy of making a decision that has affected her life to this point, that he never addressed the problems that led to him doing this in the first place (unless his story is going to change to she threw him down and raped him with her mouth).

No, I see no remorse. I see a coward.

ETA: How do we know she has been living a lie: How about, he posted it here.....do you really not understand that?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> For all of you clammering that one sin begets another, i.e....once a cheat, always a cheat...have you missed his obvious remorse?


I'll admit i missed it! He stated it as guilt and that is what I see it. He never seemed to be remorseful about it but just shamed and guilty that he did it. Remorse would have made him reveal the secret. Guilt makes him keep it secret!!





> And this crap about living a lie for 15 years? How do you know?
> 
> Have they been happy years? They are still together. How does one mistake erase 15 years of happy and successful?
> 
> Waiting to see who casts the first stone....


How do you know they were happy? That is only for them to decide, and he never used the words love or happiness in his post, but has only used "guilt forcing him to remain on the straight and narrow". Sounds like this is the only thing keeping him from straying and not love for his spouse.

I can tell you first hand that it does erase those years of happy thoughts. I agree with your point that it will forever change things, but it should be her decision to make and the things have already been forever changed. She is not getting that chance though. 

I can tell you that when I found out, as did everyone else in my family that discovered the truth (parents and kids included), we were forever changed in our views of the past. Would I be happier having it held from me forever? I can say without a doubt NO. I not only felt hurt because of the WS's actions, but I also felt the butt of every joke that she ever made, as I trusted her implicitly. All of our so called happy moments were entirely one sided as she didn't share the same feelings, and I felt that I had wasted too many years of my life with the diluge as she was spending many of those "happy" moments thinking and focusing on others but we all missed the signs.

Like vellocet, I felt that I had been robbed of many of my prime years of life. I know there are others on here that feel exactly the same. So continue to belittle us and call us "bitter", "sinners", "full of crap", and stone casters, but not all of us did things to deserve having our lives destroyed and made a mockery of, because our spouses chose to cheat whether once or repeatedly.

As an example, should we remove the child from the house of abusive parents (non-physical that is)? I have known many children that when looking back were emotionally and mentally abused and yet their parents were considered good parents as the child was oblivious of this having grown up with it and knowing nothing else and proclaimed their childhood happy. Does that mean that their childhood was truly happy as they didn't know about being unhappy and what being truly happy and treated decently was and had no choice in the matter, therefor it must have been happy, right??


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> I'll admit i missed it! He stated it as guilt and that is what I see it. He never seemed to be remorseful about it but just shamed and guilty that he did it. Remorse would have made him reveal the secret. Guilt makes him keep it secret!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And, don't forget, that guilt is fading, as per the OP.

Still haven't seen an answer to my question that I posted: Since it seems some have decided that there is a statute of limitations when it comes to cheating, where is that number set? How many years of successfuly hiding something makes it ok?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

altawa said:


> And, don't forget, that guilt is fading, as per the OP.
> 
> Still haven't seen an answer to my question that I posted: Since it seems some have decided that there is a statute of limitations when it comes to cheating, where is that number set? How many years of successfuly hiding something makes it ok?


I already answered it, That statute ends on day the divorce is granted!!


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> I already answered it, That statute ends on day the divorce is granted!!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> For all of you clammering that one sin begets another, i.e....once a cheat, always a cheat...have you missed his obvious remorse?


Nope. We also haven't missed the fact that you were told about his cheating. You weren't kept in the dark and he didn't get away with it....did he?




> Or, how about the knowledge of your spouses sin enabling your own?


our own what?




> Who is to say what effect this knowledge will have on the wife?


Nobody. I'm considering the lesson he learns by getting away with it.




> For myself, I swore that one day I would get even in the same way...and what would that have accomplished, except a monentary personal satifaction, but one that would have destroyed my DH the one time cheater.


Why would it destroy him if it didn't destroy you? And no, I wouldn't recommend getting even. You'd become no better.




> He should have come clean 15 years ago but now? No. There is no point in it except to hurt the wife.


Then I guess he just gets to get away with it. And he'll know he can get away with it in the future if the opportunities are perfect.




> And this crap about living a lie for 15 years? How do you know?


Because just when you thought you knew someone....you don't.




> Waiting to see who casts the first stone....


Ah the tired old, "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" argument.

Well guess what, when it comes to the sin of infidelity and cheating, I am without it. So let me look around here...hmm..where is the most jagged stone I can find?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

LonelyinLove said:


> For all of you clammering that one sin begets another, i.e....once a cheat, always a cheat...have you missed his obvious remorse?
> 
> Or, how about the knowledge of your spouses sin enabling your own?
> 
> ...


We are all different. You thought of revenge when you learned of your H infidelity.
When I learned, revenge never entered my mind. See, not everyone reacts the same.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Here is the thing, I'm not even completely sure he should tell her....but not for the reasons that come from those condoning keeping the lie.

Its like after 15 years, really?

The way I see it, tell or don't. But if you don't, then hopefully you look at her and feel shame pretty much for the rest of your life. Should have told her when it happened.

So my question is....why didn't you tell her when it happened?

Afraid you would have lost her? If so, that is all the more reason TO tell.

But now it is 15 years later and I know precisely what you will do. You will keep quiet about it. You will get away with it.
And for all purposes the marriage will move forward with her being none the wiser.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Q tip said:


> so, OP is clear to repeat the transgression, so long as he keeps it all a secret.
> 
> if it works the first time...


By all means, he should immediately confess, get a divorce, and regain control over at least 50% of his income. His victim wife, currently statistically controlling at least 80% of his income, gets to drop that down to a maximum of 50%. She gets to pick up another job to make up the difference or she can lower her standard of living. Even if she swaps this turkey in on some other partner, she'd be swapping a guy who had apparently been faithful at least 14 years for an unknown person who might cook meth in the basement or kill her in her sleep. There are no perfect people on this earth and if you believe you could never ever possibly commit adultery, perhaps you just haven't been given the right temptation on the right day. If you believe you are too smart, too holy, or too moral for the devil to mess with, he'll be more than happy to prove otherwise.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Y'all still debating this? OP is off somewhere laughing at 7 pages+ of bickering.

Most folks would want to know. I would. A few would rather have not found out about their spouse's ONS. That's how they feel individually, then so be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> By all means, he should immediately confess, get a divorce, and regain control over at least 50% of his income. His victim wife, currently statistically controlling at least 80% of his income, gets to drop that down to a maximum of 50%. She gets to pick up another job to make up the difference or she can lower her standard of living. Even if she swaps this turkey in on some other partner, she'd be swapping a guy who had apparently been faithful at least 14 years for an unknown person who might cook meth in the basement or kill her in her sleep. There are no perfect people on this earth and if you believe you could never ever possibly commit adultery, perhaps you just haven't been given the right temptation on the right day. If you believe you are too smart, too holy, or too moral for the devil to mess with, he'll be more than happy to prove otherwise.


So you would commit murder or rape children if it was the right temptation on the right day? That may sound harsh but to a person of integrity it's the same thing. Of course I wouldn't cheat on my spouse or rob a bank or murder someone or rape children. There are a lot of crimes I'll be happy to say I'd never commit under any circumstances. That's not being "holier than thou" it's just being a decent person.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Y'all still debating this? OP is off somewhere laughing at 7 pages+ of bickering.


And if this is true, then he had no intentions of telling her and hasn't learned his lesson if he thinks this is some sort of joke.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

vellocet said:


> And if this is true, then he had no intentions of telling her and hasn't learned his lesson if he thinks this is some sort of joke.


I don't think any of it's true. But even if it was, no, he ain't going to telling her. But we knew that already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There are no perfect people on this earth and if you believe you could never ever possibly commit adultery, perhaps you just haven't been given the right temptation on the right day.


Sorry, but wrong.

I've been approached when away on business or otherwise. Its called principles and not being interested in betraying one's family that keep us from cheating.

I know that people who have cheated really really really want to believe that it can/will happen to anyone. But it just aint so.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Canon in D said:


> As for OP, it makes me wonder what's the main objective to tellling. To ease your guilt? This should have been brought up/confessed to the spouse 15years ago, not later.


Good question, what is OP's objective? If it is to dump his guilt on her, it is wrong. If he wants to be honest with her then it is right. And yes this should have come out a long time ago, but better now than never.



Canon in D said:


> I feel telling the truth is going to hurt the wife


His cheating is what did the harm, and then his silence about it for 15 years. Definitely there have been lies and deceptions since then to keep his wife unaware, which also have harmed her. Telling her isn't doing the harm, it is revealing the harm. To me, this is the same as telling someone else their spouse cheated - it is the cheating which causes the harm not informing the betrayed of it.




Canon in D said:


> Ultimately would the wife wants to know? Would she be happier knowing? Would this help solve anything or make things worst?


Certainly some people really do not want to know. Is there really any way to know ahead of time if she is one of those people?



Canon in D said:


> It be really awful to shatter her beautiful happy life that she *thinks* she is living in.


The bold is the relevant part. She has no idea she's been living in a sham marriage for the last 15 years. It will be even more devastating when she finds out years from now from an outside source other than her husband.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Sorry, but wrong.
> 
> I've been approached when away on business or otherwise. Its called principles and not being interested in betraying one's family that keep us from cheating.
> 
> I know that people who have cheated really really really want to believe that it can/will happen to anyone. But it just aint so.


I have not ever cheated nor been cheated on so I don't know the feeling of being a BS. From the friends and family who've gone through this and even the threads I've read here from BS's it seems that it's a very heinous crime someone has committed against them.

With that in mind when I read someone saying that any of us could do it I think that's ridiculous. That's like saying any of us could rob banks, murder people, or rape children. I don't think any of us could do that. I know I couldn't. I would consider me cheating on my spouse to be equivalent to these other crimes I've listed. Maybe worse because of who it is you're betraying.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Q tip said:


> she does not know she's a victim. he does. we do not know he's a victim. we know only one thing.


What if she does know, and as a result has been having a string of revenge affairs for the last 15 years? Maybe if OP confesses to her his BJ, she will reveal to him what she's been up to?

There are so many unknowns and possible permutations but as you say there is only one known fact. Actions should be based on what is right and what is known, not all the possible hidden lies.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

altawa said:


> ...it has to do with honesty, honoring ones vows


Good point. Our vows require us to be honest with our spouse, and by keeping this secret OP is breaking his vows every day.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't think any of it's true. But even if it was, no, he ain't going to telling her. But we knew that already.


Your probably right, since he hasn't come back he very likely could be a grenade throwing troll.

The morality question posed in this thread is still valid. I'm shocked at how many people are all too eager to reach for the kool aide so they can pop their blue pill and return to ignorance.

When did the truth become less important than happiness? Following that line of thinking, ANY sort of lying (eg including cheating) should be okay as long as it makes you happy. Right?

I'll take my red pill and the pain that comes with it all day long. My pain, for better or ill, has made me stronger and part of who I am. It's an inevitable part of life.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: My indiscretion - should I take it to the grave?*



Thor said:


> Good question, what is OP's objective? If it is to dump his guilt on her, it is wrong. If he wants to be honest with her then it is right. And yes this should have come out a long time ago, but better now than never.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I totally see where you are coming from. And I completely understand what everyone else is saying. I was betrayed by my ex before. I'm on both sides. The pain is beyond words. I don't know if I would want to know if there weren't signs to show something had happened.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

Sometimes I wonder if people post stuff just to gather information for their research or for fun.... OP hasn't respond and he gave so little information.....


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The story has more holes in it than the Indianapolis Colts defense.

Let's assume he got the B.J. He set it up. She was invited. The whole she saw my car in the driveway so she thought my wife was home on my day off.

Hogwash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Even if she swaps this turkey in on some other partner, she'd be swapping a guy who had apparently been faithful at least 14 years for an unknown person who might cook meth in the basement or kill her in her sleep. There are no perfect people on this earth and if you believe you could never ever possibly commit adultery, perhaps you just haven't been given the right temptation on the right day. If you believe you are too smart, too holy, or too moral for the devil to mess with, he'll be more than happy to prove otherwise.


SO wait she is automatically a cheater and player because you say she is and suspect it, even though their was no mention of it by the op, yet he is truthful now and has only had the one discretion and been faithful for 14 years because he has said so?

Really, are you that jaded and hating of the female species that all are deserving of being cheated on because they have done something to merit it within your opinion, yet the males that have cheated, by their own admission, are less susceptible of lying and being repeat cheaters because why now?? We are supposed to immediately believe that she is a serial cheater (as all your offerings have him being cheated on by her with multiple men) and yet he is a cheater (by his own admissions) that had done this with a friend within his own home with little persuading and so easily, and is now supposedly to be believed that he has only done this once, even though he lied and hid it for years??

Just applying your logic here and it makes little sense.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> The story has more holes in it than the Indianapolis Colts defense.
> 
> Let's assume he got the B.J. He set it up. She was invited. The whole she saw my car in the driveway so she thought my wife was home on my day off.
> 
> ...


Yes. Methinks the way he told it was to make us think it wasn't premeditated, as if it matters in the first place.

He knew what he was doing.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

vellocet said:


> Yes. Methinks the way he told it was to make us think it wasn't premeditated, as if it matters in the first place.
> 
> He knew what he was doing.


Actually the very suspicious thing I noticed is that when she found out the wife wasn't home he invited her in for coffee and she accepted. My wife and I would both know that kind of thing is way out of bounds for married people.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

altawa said:


> And, don't forget, that guilt is fading, as per the OP.
> 
> Still haven't seen an answer to my question that I posted: Since it seems some have decided that there is a statute of limitations when it comes to cheating, where is that number set? How many years of successfuly hiding something makes it ok?


In the theoretical sense, Never! no expiration.

Practically speaking? It depends on the context.

one time, a decade earlier as a teenager?

One time, as a teenager, but an STD resulted?

Multiple times, a decade ago.

Multiple times, a STD resulted.

Any amount of times and a pregnancy resulted.


Never revealed?

Revealed only to cheater's family?

Lots to consider?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is a masterful OP, in my opinion. So far, a perfect drive-by.

He posts a short paragraph that is just believable enough and just controversial enough to generate pages of debate in which he need not resurface to keep things going.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Sorry, but wrong.
> 
> I've been approached when away on business or otherwise. Its called principles and not being interested in betraying one's family that keep us from cheating.
> 
> I know that people who have cheated really really really want to believe that it can/will happen to anyone. But it just aint so.


I can say the same exact thing happened to me, and the irony of the situation is I felt bad about it for years that I put myself in that situation to allow the approach to even happen (I went to a place alone when I could have went to another place with my co-workers) even though I never cheated, comes in the fact that the exact same night my STBX was at my home bringing the neighbor back into our home with my children present and sexing him up in our living room. 

I had the morals and decency to not stray and yet she had already many times before and with many different men and was doing so again in my home with my children present.

Yep some people still do have morals.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> I can say the same exact thing happened to me, and the irony of the situation is I felt bad about it for years that I put myself in that situation to allow the approach to even happen (I went to a place alone when I could have went to another place with my co-workers) even though I never cheated, comes in the fact that the exact same night my STBX was at my home bringing the neighbor back into our home with my children present and sexing him up in our living room.
> 
> I had the morals and decency to not stray and yet she had already many times before and with many different men and was doing so again in my home with my children present.
> 
> Yep some people still do have morals.


It's common for people without morals just to claim that no one has morals and we'd all do the wrong thing if the circumstances warranted it. They do that to deflect their own guilt for being a person with no morals. The reality is that most people actually are moral people. Most people do the right thing in life. People without morals are a minority. BTW, the brief summary of your story sounds heartbreaking. I'm really sorry you went through that. I hope that you have since found real happiness.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I don't understand why people get all riled up over such an obvious faux post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

CincyBluesFan said:


> It's common for people without morals just to claim that no one has morals and we'd all do the wrong thing if the circumstances warranted it. They do that to deflect their own guilt for being a person with no morals. The reality is that most people actually are moral people. Most people do the right thing in life. People without morals are a minority. BTW, the brief summary of your story sounds heartbreaking. I'm really sorry you went through that. I hope that you have since found real happiness.


Thanks. Working on the happiness, but not yet. It is odd as that time with the neighbor, is the one that I found out about that actually revealed the breadcrumb trial back to the others. I never would have suspected everything that happened and I was beating myself up over the slip in decision I made (which was really nothing as I rebuffed the advances and nothing happened more than being approached within public on my behalf, and I even told her about it and felt bad), yet she was going all the way with him and had with others many times over the preceding years. I beat myself up, as I have some sense of morals, vows, and decent treatment of others, and here she was saying it was nothing as she had been stepping out on me for years (thinking her actions were nothing).

Yep, quite the kicker.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> I don't understand why people get all riled up over such an obvious faux post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because of the ideal behind it and how real of a situation and possibility it is in reality (assuming then post is not true).


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> SO wait she is automatically a cheater and player because you say she is and suspect it, even though their was no mention of it by the op, yet he is truthful now and has only had the one discretion and been faithful for 14 years because he has said so?
> 
> Really, are you that jaded and hating of the female species that all are deserving of being cheated on because they have done something to merit it within your opinion, yet the males that have cheated, by their own admission, are less susceptible of lying and being repeat cheaters because why now?? We are supposed to immediately believe that she is a serial cheater (as all your offerings have him being cheated on by her with multiple men) and yet he is a cheater (by his own admissions) that had done this with a friend within his own home with little persuading and so easily, and is now supposedly to be believed that he has only done this once, even though he lied and hid it for years??
> 
> Just applying your logic here and it makes little sense.


"Female" is a gender. We are all the same species (presumably). The wife is not automatically anything but a wife. She is not automatically guilty or guiltless. Would you care to argue otherwise? I personally have met no perfect people and I've been around a while. Perhaps you are one. The rest of us are human and every human I have ever met has made mistakes. Yes, he has admitted cheating. We have not heard from her. As she is presumably of flesh and blood, she has made mistakes, too. Whether they are as bad or not remains unknown. She may be Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm or she might have a sack of sins larger than the OP's. My ONLY suggestion in this regard is that we don't know and we should not assume.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "Female" is a gender. We are all the same species (presumably). *The wife is not automatically anything but a wife. She is not automatically guilty or guiltless. Would you care to argue otherwise? * I personally have met no perfect people and I've been around a while. Perhaps you are one. The rest of us are human and every human I have ever met has made mistakes. Yes, he has admitted cheating. We have not heard from her. As she is presumably of flesh and blood, she has made mistakes, too. Whether they are as bad or not remains unknown. She may be Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm or she might have a sack of sins larger than the OP's. My ONLY suggestion in this regard is that we don't know and we should not assume.


Thanks for the lesson in gender and species. I left out the "of the" within my typing, so see I am not perfect either. Guess that means I am also a murder, adulterer, bitter, sinner, and everything else bad out there since I made a tying error and deserve to have been cheated on for it (hint this is not my first typing error, so I guess so)??
Your explanation now makes everything you have been stating that much more plausible as I now understand what species and gender mean. 

I take it all back and will join your side and assume the worse for everyone from here out in the future and not assume that the worst they have done is little mistakes but egregious lifestyle choices, unless they have cheated then I will assume that they have only done it the once and have seen he error in their ways and become a born again truth teller from that point forth? Does this make you feel better and sound more plausible? Funny that you state the above bolded yet have not taken this to heart and only assumed the post of her. No one has said she did nothing wrong in her life, but you have taken it to the extreme to have her being a total where that is deserving of his betrayal and might have actually planned and orchestrated his betrayal. Talk about a stretch. Care to argue that??


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> This is a masterful OP, in my opinion. So far, a perfect drive-by.
> 
> He posts a short paragraph that is just believable enough and just controversial enough to generate pages of debate in which he need not resurface to keep things going.


Regardless of the authenticity of the OP I think this thread raised some great discussion topics. I even found it funny that most WS's encouraged lying and most BS's encouraged truth. That's telling.


----------



## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> Thanks. Working on the happiness, but not yet. It is odd as that time with the neighbor, is the one that I found out about that actually revealed the breadcrumb trial back to the others. I never would have suspected everything that happened and I was beating myself up over the slip in decision I made (which was really nothing as I rebuffed the advances and nothing happened more than being approached within public on my behalf, and I even told her about it and felt bad), yet she was going all the way with him and had with others many times over the preceding years. I beat myself up, as I have some sense of morals, vows, and decent treatment of others, and here she was saying it was nothing as she had been stepping out on me for years (thinking her actions were nothing).
> 
> Yep, quite the kicker.


No matter what stick to those good standards you have set for yourself and require them of a future mate. There are plenty of good moral people out there. Just keep looking. Your serial cheating ex will probably end up alone at the end when it's most important not to be alone.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Regardless of the authenticity of the OP I think this thread raised some great discussion topics. I even found it funny that most WS's encouraged lying and most BS's encouraged truth. That's telling.


The truth of your assertion aside, it's interesting that a FNG knows enough about the various posters to make the assertion in the first place.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> "Female" is a gender. We are all the same species (presumably). The wife is not automatically anything but a wife. She is not automatically guilty or guiltless. Would you care to argue otherwise? I personally have met no perfect people and I've been around a while. Perhaps you are one. The rest of us are human and every human I have ever met has made mistakes. Yes, he has admitted cheating. We have not heard from her. As she is presumably of flesh and blood, she has made mistakes, too. Whether they are as bad or not remains unknown. She may be Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm or she might have a sack of sins larger than the OP's. My ONLY suggestion in this regard is that we don't know and we should not assume.


You have sure made plenty of assumptions, both about her and his 'truthfulness'. Now, nobody should make assumptions?:scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Random has been married at least 15 years and has only recently found it necessary to get on a marriage forum. He is probably better positioned to be giving most of us advise than we are positioned to give it. It's like getting wellness advise from a waiting room full of desperately ill people.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

GTdad said:


> The truth of your assertion aside, it's interesting that a FNG knows enough about the various posters to make the assertion in the first place.


Only what they've offered in this thread and their others. Whenever I meet a new poster here I immediately check threads they've started and look at the oldest. That's usually where you find their story or they synopsize it in-line to give you some background on their perspective.

For example, I just read your "28 years but where to now?" thread so I know where you're coming from.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Random has been married at least 15 years and has only recently found it necessary to get on a marriage forum. He is probably better positioned to be giving most of us advise than we are positioned to give it. It's like getting wellness advise from a waiting room full of desperately ill people.


So just being married is enough? He has also been living a lie (and I would bet more than 1 lie) for the past 15+ years and this is supposed to make him an authority we should learn from?? 

Sorry but by you logic, since my history (20+ years and no cheating or betrayal on my part only on the spouse's part) is more extensive than the OPs, I guess all should be learning from me and my experience then, correct??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

altawa said:


> You have sure made plenty of assumptions, both about her and his 'truthfulness'. Now, nobody should make assumptions?:scratchhead:[/QUO
> 
> Paste a few of my alleged assumptions, please.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> So just being married is enough? He has also been living a lie (and I would bet more than 1 lie) for the past 15+ years and this is supposed to make him an authority we should learn from??
> 
> Sorry but by you logic, since my history (20+ years and no cheating or betrayal on my part only on the spouse's part) is more extensive than the OPs, I guess all should be learning from me and my experience then, correct??


Did you research and join this forum because you were deliriously content and happy with your marriage? I sure as hell didn't.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Did you research and join this forum because you were deliriously content and happy with your marriage? I sure as hell didn't.


I found it by the "sex in marriage" forum which turned out to be quite a bust. They should retitle that forum "No Sex in Marriage" because that's what 90% of the posts are about.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Did you research and join this forum because you were deliriously content and happy with your marriage? I sure as hell didn't.


Nope. I can also bet the OP didn't either, but you offered him up as a mentor of sorts due to the longevity of his M and stated we should probably be learning from him due in part to that longevity. What's the difference here, other than I never cheated and lied about it for decades. So your question is relative how (except to gaslight from your previous statements and claims)? Maybe you should start to "assume" that I am lying and have been stepping out on my partner for years as I am human after all and the statistics would lead one to believe that being married and male, I am lying about this and "must" have cheated at some time.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Random has been married at least 15 years and has only recently found it necessary to get on a marriage forum. He is probably better positioned to be giving most of us advise than we are positioned to give it. It's like getting wellness advise from a waiting room full of desperately ill people.


Have you lost your freaking mind? You seriously want to come in here and tell people in AN INFIDELITY FORUM, that some cheater is a better person to give advice about honesty?

And, he has been married a whopping 1 year longer than me. I have never cheated. I guess that makes me more qualified than him.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Paste a few of my alleged assumptions, please.


Sure.


unbelievable said:


> *All of this condemnation rests of the presumption that wife has no secrets of her own. She could have secrets that make his look like choir practice. If one of my wife's friends just spontaneously showed up and announced her desire to give me knob, I'd have to wonder if my wife wasn't behind it, perhaps to knock me off any moral high ground I occupied or to keep me comfortably occupied while she did something similar, elsewhere.* The BJ fairy just doesn't usually just pop in at my house, unexpected.


One giant assumption.


unbelievable said:


> Of course not. He's responsible for wherever his penis ends up. * Just saying his wife may not be the innocent victim folks here assume that she is.* He shouldn't have done it. If he was going to tell her, he should have told her then. At this point, 15 years later, I fail to see anything good coming out of a disclosure and a whole bunch of potential for bad. She's lived with him every day for 15 years after this event. That 15 years tells her more about him than 20 minutes worth of BJ 15 years ago would. What would the "truth" tell her? That she married a flawed human? Did she believe he had wings? *Is she not also a flawed human and might she not be carrying around secrets that trouble her every bit as much, maybe even more? *
> Would she be better off divorced? Would that make her happier? Make her life easier?


More baseless accusations blaming the victim.


unbelievable said:


> *Without knowing this woman, why would you assume she has been completely faithful and truthful throughout her marriage? * Statistics show 25% of married folks commit adultery at some point in their marriage. You believe we'd be better off with 25% more divorces? *In all honesty, you don't know which of these two players is the greater victim of deceit. * You can guess or assume but you don't know. That's not blame shifting, it's just putting emotions away and honestly admitting we don't know everything about this couple.


Without knowing her, you seem to have no problem assigning blame to her for infidelity that you have ZERO evidence of. More baseless speculation.


unbelievable said:


> I get paid a pretty decent living to dig up the truth. I get paid because things are seldom as cut and dry as they initially are reported. Good guys aren't always good and bad guys aren't always that bad. *If his wife had secretly nailed four guys in the past 15 years wouldn't it change your view of her status as a victim? *I've met very few saints.


Again.


unbelievable said:


> By all means, he should immediately confess, get a divorce, and regain control over at least 50% of his income. *His victim wife, currently statistically controlling at least 80% of his income, *gets to drop that down to a maximum of 50%. She gets to pick up another job to make up the difference or she can lower her standard of living. *Even if she swaps this turkey in on some other partner, she'd be swapping a guy who had apparently been faithful at least 14 years for an unknown person who might cook meth in the basement or kill her in her sleep. *There are no perfect people on this earth and if you believe you could never ever possibly commit adultery, perhaps you just haven't been given the right temptation on the right day. If you believe you are too smart, too holy, or too moral for the devil to mess with, he'll be more than happy to prove otherwise.


Complete and utter bull****. And yes, I know I would never cheat. I HAVE MORALS. Hard for those without to understand.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I have been married longer than all of the ones arguing on here. Therefore, since I am the most knowledgeable, I officially declare this thread totally jacked and derailed.

Toodles!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Regardless of the authenticity of the OP I think this thread raised some great discussion topics. I even found it funny that most *WS's encouraged lying *and most BS's encouraged truth. That's telling.


Who are these WS of which you speak?


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I have been married longer than all of the ones arguing on here. Therefore, since I am the most knowledgeable, I officially declare this thread totally jacked and derailed.
> 
> Toodles!


But your history only makes you knowledgeable on M, and not the internet and threadjacks, so you can only rule on M items. :rofl:


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> But your history only makes you knowledgeable on M, and not the internet and threadjacks, so you can only rule on M items. :rofl:


Who knows...perhaps I had an affair with Al Gore, who invented the internet.:butterfly:


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> Who knows...perhaps I had an affair with Al Gore, who invented the internet.:butterfly:


I knew someone was going to work that into the conversation!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> Nope. I can also bet the OP didn't either, but you offered him up as a mentor of sorts due to the longevity of his M and stated we should probably be learning from him due in part to that longevity. What's the difference here, other than I never cheated and lied about it for decades. So your question is relative how (except to gaslight from your previous statements and claims)? Maybe you should start to "assume" that I am lying and have been stepping out on my partner for years as I am human after all and the statistics would lead one to believe that being married and male, I am lying about this and "must" have cheated at some time.


I have no idea what your flaws might be but because you breath air, I can safely assume you have some. I have not accused his wife of anything but being human. You would like to argue that she is probably a saint? 

In your mind, a guy who did something wrong 15 years ago but might have 35 years of marriage success is a "cheater". You have always told the unvarnished truth to your spouse, your boss, your kids, your friends, the IRS? Nothing in your life you feel guilty about...ever?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> In your mind, a guy who did something wrong 15 years ago but might have 35 years of marriage success is a "cheater".


Uh.......yeah. Duh.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

There we go. I knew it was only time before the assumptions, mocking, challenges, and personal attacks started. 

I have said nothing of her being a saint yet my position is different so you automatically make it out that way and mock me. You made her out to be a wh0re from the beginning and won't accept that even though your words to back it up are out there. Even if she was a saint or wh0re doesn't mean that her Husband has the right to cheat. Keep telling yourself that it is right though and eventually it may come true. Pinning his actions on her possibilities and whether that makes him right or wrong is outrageous. It is blameshifting at its finest. Keep fooling yourself though.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I promised myself I wouldn't post on this thread again, but ugghhhh.

If a man has been married 35 years, but 15 years ago put his penis into the friend of his unknowing wife, with the goal of ejaculation...then yes, he is a cheater.

OK, I'm really done here now. No one is going to budge on their opinions and that's cool. Have a pleasant evening.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I promised myself I wouldn't post on this thread again, but ugghhhh.
> 
> If a man has been married 35 years, but 15 years ago put his penis into the friend of his unknowing wife, with the goal of ejaculation...then yes, he is a cheater.
> 
> OK, I'm really done here now. No one is going to budge on their opinions and that's cool. Have a pleasant evening.


I LOL'd.....

~ Passio


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, your wife's friend just _happened_ to be passing and she just _happened_ to stop by and she just _happened_ to give you oral sex?

And she just _happened_ to never mention this ever again? 

And after that one time she just _happened_ to never pass by ever again? :scratchhead:

Really? Any why would she do this to her friend?

What makes you think your wife doesn't already know about this event? 

Here's a clue. women, especially friends, do talk to each other.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> In your mind, a guy who did something wrong 15 years ago but might have 35 years of marriage success is a "cheater".


That's like asking if an employee with 35 years of successful service who steals a lot of money from the company just once is a thief. Yes.

A 50 year old who never broke the law in their life but one day, just once, murders someone, but it's only the one time, are they a murderer? Yes.

You could be married 100 years and cheat only once. Does that make you a cheater? Yes.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

omg how is this thread 10 pages long and the OP has 1 post in this thread...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

CincyBluesFan said:


> That's like asking if an employee with 35 years of successful service who steals a lot of money from the company just once is a thief. Yes.
> 
> A 50 year old who never broke the law in their life but one day, just once, murders someone, but it's only the one time, are they a murderer? Yes.
> 
> You could be married 100 years and cheat only once. Does that make you a cheater? Yes.


We are hardly talking about murder. We are talking about a course of action that occurs in 25% of all successful marriages. Every person with a pulse is capable of adultery and that would include you. If you haven't succumbed, it's only because the right temptation didn't hit you in the right way on the right day. It doesn't mean your legs won't be in the air this time next year. I haven't cheated on my wife and I certainly don't intend to. I'd like to think I never would but I have sense enough to know we are all human beings and every mother's son or daughter among us is capable of all manner of evil. 
I don't know if this OP is even real. I don't know if his story is real. I don't know what sort of drama he was going through in his life when this alleged event happened. Had he been cut off for years like some folks on this forum? He didn't say. He's human and so are you. Before your life is over you may do something far worse. 
Whatever he did 15 years ago, his wife has found him pretty acceptable for the past 15 years. I can't imagine how hearing about this historical event now is going to improve her life or his. Dropping an honesty bomb makes sense if doing so is likely to improve a relationship or solve a problem. There is no problem at the present. There was one 15 years ago. Dropping this bomb creates a problem where there currently is none. If this couple has kids, they'd be better off without their father because the guy did something idiotic 15 years ago? Just curious to know how you believe digging up that old bone is going to make life better for her. She'd learn what? That her husband is human? Aren't we all? Nobody is divorced. Nobody has committed suicide or homicide. Nobody's checked into a psych ward. If there are kids, they have both parents who still live together and get along swimmingly. The only downside to this is Knucklehead has some guilt. He can jolly well keep carrying it quietly.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Yes, infidelity really isn't that bad.


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## RandomFella (Feb 18, 2015)

I would never have made this post if I knew what a fire storm it would have created. I am relatively new to this forum and, perhaps naively, expected useful/impartial advice. What I received was/is mostly condemnation from seemingly bitter and moralistic folk choosing to preach from the high moral ground. i do appreciate the response of a few well meaning folk though.
My story is true, i tried to be brief and unemotional to avoid sounding salacious. I will attempt to address any 'holes' in my story.

The woman lives far away in another state and has been there for more than a decade. The only contact my wife has with her is the occasional birthday/Christmas phone call. I have no contact with her.
My wife knew I had the day off. The meeting was unplanned.. The encounter lasted perhaps 30 seconds before I told her to stop. Nevertheless, the deed was done, I had succumbed to temptation. I am convinced that she initiated the BJ believing it would lead to spontaneous sex. It did not. She is a person with an unashamedly high libido. It was a one off incident with her. We never spoke about it afterwards so it is difficult for me to assess how she felt about it. I don't believe she has ever mentioned it to my wife. Yes, we flirted a bit before the incident. Things cooled down considerably after.

Beside that incident I have never been unfaithful to my wife nor do I have any reason to believe she has cheated on me. I love her dearly and tell her often. She does the same. Accordingly I do a lot of things to make her life easy like helping out in the kitchen, doing more than my fair share of house cleaning and romantic weekends away. I do this out of love and not guilt. We are nevertheless a very sexual couple and are very open in our discussions. She is an avid reader of books ranging from alternative health to conspiracy theories, she even reads the odd romance novel that gets passed her way. If she gets aroused by a handsome hero in said romance novel then, according to some interpretations of the Bible she will have committed fornication in her mind and should be stoned to death. I am Agnostic so I would encourage her to read more of these books.
Like the majority of marriages in this world, ours is not perfect. We have issues like most marriages do. By and large though we are happy and fulfill each other’s needs.

Yes, I did leave TAM open on her iPad to read but I was not logged in. That was long before this post and it was never my intention for her to read this post.

This response is in no way an attempt to excuse what I did.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> We are hardly talking about murder. We are talking about a course of action that occurs in 25% of all successful marriages. Every person with a pulse is capable of adultery and that would include you. If you haven't succumbed, it's only because the right temptation didn't hit you in the right way on the right day. It doesn't mean your legs won't be in the air this time next year. I haven't cheated on my wife and I certainly don't intend to. I'd like to think I never would but I have sense enough to know we are all human beings and every mother's son or daughter among us is capable of all manner of evil.
> I don't know if this OP is even real. I don't know if his story is real. I don't know what sort of drama he was going through in his life when this alleged event happened. Had he been cut off for years like some folks on this forum? He didn't say. He's human and so are you. Before your life is over you may do something far worse.
> Whatever he did 15 years ago, his wife has found him pretty acceptable for the past 15 years. I can't imagine how hearing about this historical event now is going to improve her life or his. Dropping an honesty bomb makes sense if doing so is likely to improve a relationship or solve a problem. There is no problem at the present. There was one 15 years ago. Dropping this bomb creates a problem where there currently is none. If this couple has kids, they'd be better off without their father because the guy did something idiotic 15 years ago? Just curious to know how you believe digging up that old bone is going to make life better for her. She'd learn what? That her husband is human? Aren't we all? Nobody is divorced. Nobody has committed suicide or homicide. Nobody's checked into a psych ward. If there are kids, they have both parents who still live together and get along swimmingly. The only downside to this is Knucklehead has some guilt. He can jolly well keep carrying it quietly.


I've read a lot of BS's say that cheating is akin to murder because it kills part of them. In some ways it could be considered worse for a couple reasons. 1. Murder victims are dead and don't have to live with the pain that a BS does. 2. In cheating the crime is committed against the person that is supposedly most trusted. It's a more severe level of betrayal.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

RandomFella said:


> I would never have made this post if I knew what a fire storm it would have created. I am relatively new to this forum and, perhaps naively, expected useful/impartial advice. What I received was/is mostly condemnation from seemingly bitter and moralistic folk choosing to preach from the high moral ground. i do appreciate the response of a few well meaning folk though.


You come on here and ask a hotbed question about whether you should tell your wife about your betrayal that you have lied and covered up for many years, and expect that everyone here is not going to get "involved" and instead remain impartial giving well reasoned advice? Tell the truth, in that you never intended to tell her and were only looking for the supporting evidence to drive you to continue to keep your secret as you have for all these years, lest you would have done so already, many years ago. 

Also please don't insult those that have given advice (just because it isn't what you sought/ desired, and in agreement with your intentions) by calling them "bitter and moralistic in choosing to preach from the high ground". Had you have not cheated and lied about it for all these years, you would be on that same footing by having done nothing, and that would be so awful and made you a horrible person how??? Your shame for your actions is not our doing and shouldn't be held against us. If I said you had a chip on your shoulder because you're a cheater and did something despicably wrong and aren't owning up to it, you'd be upset and offended by that, so why should we not feel the same with your accusations (yes some might be the charges you have stated, but without having known them you can't say that for sure, it is just insulting and name calling). Doing the right thing doesn't make one person better than another and sorry if you feel that way, but that is typical cheater speak used to knock down others that they have perceived to be up a notch from them due to their bad choices.

Hint, you'll win more friends with kindness than insults (and being a WS, to this crowd, you are already behind the 8 ball unfortunately). You say you're new here, yet the first post is a very clinical and limited description of a hotbed issue and then next post is condemnation of those that responded in disagreement of your expectations for responses, and blame shifting. You need to own your actions and just sitting back stating all the negative flaws and influences this OW had in lauding over you for this action are nothing but justification, gas lighting, and blame shifting. You had an encounter in the middle of the day, while not influenced by anyone or anything else, and you openly invited the person into your home and accepted their advances. It was your choice and decisions to follow through and not her pressures/libido/etc that led to the actions. You admit to flirting and knowing of her libido, so admit that you put yourself into this situation and wanted it as much as she did. Stop blaming others and face the music finally. Sorry if this seems harsh but the truth and reality sometimes are, and this is what you need to face (as you have been hiding from it for way to long).


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> You come on here and ask a hotbed question about whether you should tell your wife about your betrayal that you have lied and covered up for many years, and expect that everyone here is not going to get "involved" and instead remain impartial giving well reasoned advice? Tell the truth, in that you never intended to tell her and were only looking for the supporting evidence to drive you to continue to keep your secret as you have for all these years, lest you would have done so already, many years ago.
> 
> Also please don't insult those that have given advice (just because it isn't what you sought/ desired, and in agreement with your intentions) by calling them "bitter and moralistic in choosing to preach from the high ground". Had you have not cheated and lied about it for all these years, you would be on that same footing by having done nothing, and that would be so awful and made you a horrible person how??? Your shame for your actions is not our doing and shouldn't be held against us. If I said you had a chip on your shoulder because you're a cheater and did something despicably wrong and aren't owning up to it, you'd be upset and offended by that, so why should we not feel the same with your accusations (yes some might be the charges you have stated, but without having known them you can't say that for sure, it is just insulting and name calling). Doing the right thing doesn't make one person better than another and sorry if you feel that way, but that is typical cheater speak used to knock down others that they have perceived to be up a notch from them due to their bad choices.
> 
> Hint, you'll win more friends with kindness than insults (and being a WS, to this crowd, you are already behind the 8 ball unfortunately). You say you're new here, yet the first post is a very clinical and limited description of a hotbed issue and then next post is condemnation of those that responded in disagreement of your expectations for responses, and blame shifting. You need to own your actions and just sitting back stating all the negative flaws and influences this OW had in lauding over you for this action are nothing but justification, gas lighting, and blame shifting. You had an encounter in the middle of the day, while not influenced by anyone or anything else, and you openly invited the person into your home and accepted their advances. It was your choice and decisions to follow through and not her pressures/libido/etc that led to the actions. You admit to flirting and knowing of her libido, so admit that you put yourself into this situation and wanted it as much as she did. Stop blaming others and face the music finally. Sorry if this seems harsh but the truth and reality sometimes are, and this is what you need to face (as you have been hiding from it for way to long).


I'm proud to be called moralistic. I think it's funny that it was said as an insult as if having morals is an undesirable trait. That explains a lot about the state of the world these days.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"It was just that one time."
"It didn't mean anything."
"She came on to me."
"We weren't in a good place in the marriage"

All those types of statements are your attempts, OP, to not take responsibility for your choice to betray your wife. Minimize it all you like, but betray her you did.

So what to do now? You have admitted that for the past 15 years you have lied to your wife by not telling her what happened. Many on this board, myself included are advising you to tell the truth. You take responsibility for your actions. You respect your wife enough to tell her the truth.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Dangit, I'm back to this annoying thread. It's like meth.

To the OP, having morals is cool. 

You admitted you flirted before it happened, so my moralistic self is going to assume that you went way over the line with this woman well before your pants were unzipped.

That you allow your wife to still take birthday calls from the woman who put your d!ck in her mouth (in your wife's home) is gross...whether or not it was 30 seconds or 30 minutes. How disrespectful to your wife. You should have told the woman to stay the he!! away from your family immediately.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> Dangit, I'm back to this annoying thread. It's like meth.
> 
> To the OP, having morals is cool.
> 
> ...


It's okay that you came back. I think there's a half-way house with an opening for you.:lol:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

RandomFella said:


> The encounter lasted perhaps 30 seconds before I told her to stop.


Ah, and this wasn't pertinent enough to bring up in the first thread.

Sorry. Not only is your story not real convincing, changing it mid stream doesn't help.




> Accordingly I do a lot of things to make her life easy like helping out in the kitchen, doing more than my fair share of house cleaning and romantic weekends away.


Well if you are going to keep her in the dark and deny her the truth, then you damn well better be doing all those things and more.

You have a lifetime of making up to do, even if she doesn't know what you did.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

RandomFella said:


> My indiscretion - should I take it to the grave?





RandomFella said:


> I am relatively new to this forum and, perhaps naively, expected useful/impartial advice. What I received was/is mostly condemnation from seemingly bitter and moralistic folk choosing to preach from the high moral ground.



Why are you wasting everyone's time, honestly?

What you came here to do was to seek validation for keeping this secret that's been eating away at you all these years. I do believe you feel regret but clearly not enough to put your wife ahead of your own selfish needs. After all, why make life difficult for yourself? It was just once, no big deal right?

It's obvious you have absolutely no intention of ever telling your wife the truth because you won't man up and OWN your actions. Must be horrible looking in the mirror every morning and seeing a coward staring back at you. Perhaps you should rename this thread "Please justify my cheating so I can have a clear conscious."


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Only what they've offered in this thread and their others. Whenever I meet a new poster here I immediately check threads they've started and look at the oldest. That's usually where you find their story or they synopsize it in-line to give you some background on their perspective.
> 
> For example, I just read your "28 years but where to now?" thread so I know where you're coming from.


You have no idea where I'm coming from.

Regardless of whether this is real or not, I'm torn on what the correct response should be. On the one hand, honesty and transparency should be paramount in a marriage. From that perspective, the OP owes his wife the truth so that she can make informed decisions regarding her life.

On the other, if this has indeed been eating at him for 15 years, he gets to transfer the weight of his burden to his wife. All of the sudden her world is crashing down around her while he sits back in relief. "Whew! I sure am glad THAT's off my chest." I'm just unconvinced that's a just result for her, truth or not, particularly if he's done a 180 on his previous behavior and has since devoted himself to his wife and marriage.

My problem was with you painting all or at least most of those who agreed with keeping it to himself as WS's. Not only was your statement factually wrong to my knowledge, but quite an insult to those who have never strayed. I'm not sure why you chose to go that route; it seemed like a pretty unnecessary swipe to me. Personally, I took no offense because I hadn't weighed in up to that point.


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