# How about a raincheck for sex some other time?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OK, here is one I still struggle with that almost got the best of me here recently. 

On a day that was understood that there would be some "quality time" together, things got busy and we both ended the day in a foul mood and agreed we would make time the next day. Prior to this we had had out-of-town family of hers visiting for a few days, so I had been patiently entertaining and trying to be a good host. Once they left, I was in need of some attention, but I am aware that I was feeling perhaps needy for her attention and had gotten a bit grumpy about it. So I tried to just let it go and give her some space to decompress from having her family at our house.

Next day rolls along and I'm really looking forwards to finding some quality time to be with my wife. But it just is not happening as weekend schedules with other family drama going on got in the way, and I had completely forgotten the we had agreed to go to a social event that one of my wife's friends was hosting. So we get to the end of the day and my wife looks like she is ready to collapse and go to bed. She likes for sex to be natural, so I cringe to have to tell her that I am getting too aroused. I tell her that I am dying to be with her, and she looks at me and says, "how about a raincheck for some other time?" Now I knew if I insisted, that she would reluctantly agree to just let me do whatever I need to do, but I could see she was indeed tired ....so I just calmed down and let it go.

So as yet another day rolls along, my desire levels are now at a point of making me rather aroused AND resentful at the same time. For me this spells a worst case scenario, because if there is one thing that I KNOW will cause problems, it is me getting upset about wanting sex. I'm reminded of her lectures where she tells me she will just do it for the sake of not having to deal with a grumpy husband, and I can so see this now from her point of view. But yet I knew she was not to blame as our schedules and families had been chaotic for the past week. So I had to stop and ask myself why I was getting so resentful with my wife.



In the event I loose my patience for one moment, she overreacts to it and gets angry with me and will not let it go for days on end. While family was visiting I did snap for a moment for the kids letting the cats in the house repeatedly when they were told not to, because those freaking know to go hide under the bed of our guests that happen to be very allergic! My wife insists that I need to be able to handle moments like this without yelling at the kids and staying calm or else it destroys the whole mood of the house. To me this seems unfair, I'm not perfect, I'm not getting violent by any means, but I do allow my frustrations to show form time to time. I think SHE is the one that needs to have more patience for me sometimes, especially for when a moment is ludicrously absurd as cats playing a vicious game of repeated hide and seek with me in the house. 
So yes, stress levels got the best of us and she likely needs her space from me before feeling intimate, but why can't she just be forgiving instead of hanging onto the one bad moment of the week.
Why does a high level of arousal tend to make me angry and impatient?

So anyway, I found it in myself to just accept that sometimes I behave like an idiot and let things get to me. I let everything go and calmed down. Patiently waited for a moment that would be ideal for intimacy and then drug my wife to the bedroom. We had a great moment together, but she has no idea how close I was struggling to not be resentful and get angry again over sex. 

Freaking cats!



















I am not sure what my question is, but if anyone sees a better solution, let me know? Having to calm myself down whilst annoyingly aroused is not fun! Perhaps it is just sometimes a way of life...

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it is a way of life when you and your partner have very different sex drives...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Advocate for yourself. Sex is like exercise. Any particular time you miss is no big deal but if it never gets into the schedule the long term consequences are bad.

But advocate far in advance. Realize that for sex to be natural and "just happen", your wife needs a sufficient amount of rest and recharge time in her schedule. That means that your schedule is "full" long before 10 or 12 or 16 hours of activity is scheduled. In fact, you guys may have only 6 or 8 hours available on a weekend day to engage in other activities if your wife needs 4 to 6 hours of unscheduled time to relax and be in the mood for sex. So, once your wife has scheduled 6 hours of activities, tell he the schedule is full and you are too tired and too busy to add more events / activities / errands. Tell her your lives have gotten too busy. Tell her you need time on the weekends to relax and recharge. Tell her you need to cut back on the pace.

She may not like this. She may feel that much time is being "wasted". She may accuse you of being lazy and unambitious and old and all sorts of things that she hopes will shame you into complying with her desire to add more items to the schedule. What do these words mean to you? Nothing. You are accustomed to being accused of being immature, sex-crazed, a horn dog, etc. What difference does it make which words she uses to accuse you of being less than? Of course you are. You have accepted that. And so her accusations have no power over you.

The point being: her needing hours to relax and recharge and let sex "just happen" is just as selfish and arbitrary as you saying that your schedule is "full" even though you have nothing planned after 4:00 pm. Her choice to schedule 16 hours of activities, leaving her exhausted and the 2 of you with no time for sex unless it is a quickie, is not better and more noble than your desire to relax and only schedule 1 or 2 activities each weekend day. Maybe she will find that she is more open to scheduling sex or getting her motor running more quickly if she comes to understand that insisting on "just let it happen" sessions means a substantial cut back in how many family activities, social activities and projects around the house you are willing to perform.

Realize that this will require you to become intimately familiar with the family schedule weeks in advance. Like many men, you may have allowed your wife to manage the family's social calendar. But you cannot do this if you wish to insist on more free time. You have to know with certainty that this is the weekend we are going to Sheila's party on Sunday, so when your wife asks on Friday night or Saturday morning "can we do ____" on Saturday, you are ready to reply "no, we have Sheila's party on Sunday evening, so we have to end all scheduled activities at 4 pm Saturday afternoon to give ourselves sufficient rest and relax time this weekend, and I don't see how we can fit that in before then."

Of course, she may also decide to divorce your lazy butt when you give signals that you are not willing to work yourself to exhaustion as is required under her view of the husband's role. She may believe in the concept of working hard and playing hard. Remind her that the playing hard part is a vital part of that formula!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I do have a solution.

Of course my solution has created its own set of problems.

Sometime in the last few years I disrupted my relationship to deal with the sex problem. This was after months or years of talks that went nowhere. Anyway I said I need daily sex to avoid these timing problems. And we do something almost every day. W "services me" a fair amount of the time which is less than ideal, but it turns out to be way better than the alternative for both of us. Even if she's not in the mood she doesn't mind and enjoys it. And we're much closer. And I'm MUCH calmer and more agreeable. We're kind of like kids again that way.

I also stopped taking care of myself almost completely. She didn't like that and prefers that I don't have to do that (doing her job) and I have to agree I'd much rather a half hearted HJ from her versus TCB myself.

But I switched my orientation to porn too. Now I look at it to get aroused if I know she's tired. Just to ramp things up. I'm over 50 and this daily sex thing I signed up for takes work. It's a labor of love, but does take concentration and effort 

But I also look at porn more seriously in situations like you describe where things are just busy beyond our control. Sometimes I'd just prefer to remove the pressure.

I would say it's better to go with starfish sex or a HJ if you are in the position you're in now because your W won't actually mind (from what I understand) and it will get you past your funk. OR just go get some quality porn - really whatever you like that you don't want to share  - and TCB. 

Either way you've got to get the baby batter off the brain ("There's something about Mary")

Oh - I also think it's very important for you to be completely honest. A HJ tonight isn't a get out of jail card for tomorrow. It's just a pressure release valve for the relationship. Tomorrow is still on because you want more than to just get off.

A parallel for the periodic quicky HJ is the texts and calls and short connections you might make with her during the week. It's not a replacement for actual longer talks and connecting time, but sometimes your W probably just wants to connect during the day.

My $.02


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Why does a high level of arousal tend to make anger and impatient behaviours? 

Sometimes I think sex has a calming down effect. 

I have noticed that my husbands bad habits don't irritate me after sex. 
None of it bothers me, but when we don't, my goodness, every little thing he does wrong, annoys me. 

I read in one of my girl magazines that kissing releases the same hormones (or whatever they are called) on the brain in the same way the heroin addiction does. So I imagine that is why I'm like annoyed and irritable, because I am going through withdrawal and not liking it one bit. 

Solution? I find exercise helpful. 
You need to find something to channel your energy somewhere else. 
Punching bag? I was thinking of taking up boxing, or even some martial arts. 


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

The dance you two play is so complicated. I struggle to read and not glaze over.

Why can't your guests simply close the bedroom door so the cats can't get in?
If your guests are sooooo allergic and they know you have cats then they could put their hand in their pocket and go to a hotel.
Not having sex just because you have guests is a very lame excuse, the no sex is because she does not want sex, not because of guests.

Is this how the rest of your life is going to be? I think you actually like it this way though, lots of drama and self flagellation.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife always seems to have a lot of time and energy for everything and everyone else, but you and sex. Just being honest. You are always walking on eggshells for your wife. I don't get it, tbh.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You seem to have bought the "it's all the guy's fault" line of thinking. 

It's never her fault for deprioritizing your intimate life, it's never her fault for overscheduling, etc but it's your fault for being impacted.

There's no point in getting angry, I will grant you that. But you have demonstrated that you'll play her game, then blame yourself. 

You should know that bad experiences stay in the mind a lot more than good. That's how it works. But even when all the planets align things may not always happen. No point in getting upset or angry.

If you can fix it, do so. 

If you cant fix it, get even.

If you have a Healthy Marriage overall, a rain check won't make any difference. If your marriage is like mine, all the rain checks Nintendo issued for the NES Classic won't make any difference.

Is the white cat in the picture yours? Looks suspiciously like our cat . No hide and seek tho. Kinda hard to hide 21 lb.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Note: I am a bitter person right now...

Oh wow. We have had a few fights over rainchecks. Recently, wife said, "I'm too tired, can I get a raincheck?" I said, "for tomorrow morning?" She said, "I don't know, what difference does it make, we're married, we'll have sex again eventually." I said, "it's not a raincheck if there is no specific date/time for redemption." We both got angry and there was no sex for the next month. I thought to myself, if there is no date/time for redemption and no commitment to follow through, it is not a raincheck. It is another way to say "I don't feel like it, f*** off." Sometimes I think she intentionally picks fights like that to have an excuse to be mad. I can't take much more of this life...

See... bitter.

Oh, and I agree with the other poster. Using guests as an excuse not to have sex is a lame excuse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

My wife frequently offers rain checks, but never acts on them. The funny thing is that I think she actually means it at the time. I just view the offer as a null statement.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Stop talking to her about having sex. Just start fondling her and take it slow and hit all the right places, and there's a better than reasonably good chance she'll get into it even though she was deadset against it beforehand.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I've heard the "raincheck" before, although don't recall that's it was called. First time we were able to go out after the kids were born (they were just short of a year old), we went out to a nice dinner and drinks, and it was guaranteed that we'd have sex that night (it had been more than a year at that time). Long story short, we got home, she puts on her flannel pj's, and informs me that she's really tired. Next week, we go out again, and this time it's even stated that there will be sex. Get home, she's crampy so no sex. 

Another one about a year later (had sex one time in the prior year), she's going out of town to visit a friend Sunday through Monday. On Friday, she mentions that we should "meet in the middle" (her euphemism for sex). I say, sure, let's do it when kids in bed. She stumbles around asking if we can do it the next night, needs to loosen up, etc. Next night comes around, she mentions that she's really tired, let's do it before she leaves in the morning. Morning comes, she informs me that she has to pack so she can leave - no sex. 

Last one - this last summer she's going out of town for a week with friends. Day before she leaves, kids have an event near our house for a couple of hours in the evening. Decide that I'm going to take her upstairs to do the deed - instead, as we're walking home, she's going on and on about how her head hurts, how much she has to do before she leaves, etc. Figured I'd bag it - no point in pursuing it. 

Deidre is right - they find time to do other things, but sex is off limits.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> *Oh - I also think it's very important for you to be completely honest. A HJ tonight isn't a get out of jail card for tomorrow. It's just a pressure release valve for the relationship. Tomorrow is still on because you want more than to just get off.*


If only this were true in my marriage! Unfortunately if I accept a one-sided experience today and expect mutual participation tomorrow, then my wife has a tendency to feel that "she will never be enough" for me. 

So regardless of what type of intimacy we have, I have found that my wife responds very well to knowing that she "satisfies" me, and it is as if she needs to experience me that way for a day or two before she can feel proud of herself. Otherwise it is as if, "whatever happened yesterday did not get the job done" and she struggles with feeling inadequate. I've also found that backing off for a day or two gives her a chance to want me a little!

BUT, I wish a HJ today could be an appetizer for the main course tomorrow, but it never works that way for me...

:|

Badsanta


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i once got a rain check(s) for sex from my wife...who knew it had an expiration date after 20 years. Good thing i saved all the Green stamps at least that will be worth a lot one day.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> The dance you two play is so complicated. I struggle to read and not glaze over.
> 
> Why can't your guests simply close the bedroom door so the cats can't get in?
> If your guests are sooooo allergic and they know you have cats then they could put their hand in their pocket and go to a hotel.
> ...


These particular guests liked to stay up all night chit chatting. It is part of my wife's culture, and if I step out they are free to speak in their native language as opposed to struggling to translate everything for me.

As for these guests, their only complaint was that I needed to drink more alcohol! They are probably correct, as I'm more of a Mountain Dew kind of guy that gets all jacked up on caffeine in order to get my party started.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

badsanta said:


> If only this were true in my marriage! Unfortunately if I accept a one-sided experience today and expect mutual participation tomorrow, then my wife has a tendency to feel that "she will never be enough" for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You DO realize this is her codependency speaking - he way of controlling you, don't you? My W naturally does the same thing and was raised in an alcoholic family - AA but still the normal syndrome.

I recently gave up on being controlled like this. Ok a little bit.

I move forward with my life and no longer take responsibility to respond to her attempts to control me by being hurt, or feeling bad about herself. You have that power too, you know.

All you have to do is say "Of course you're enough for me. I'm not playing that game though because I want to have some intimacy with my W now. You're just expressing that to try to manipulate and control me."

It's the truth. She will NEVER stop with the controlling behavior and it's important for you to see it for what it is. You have to put in a tough exterior, let her act out and feel put upon, and stick to your needs.

Don't be so easily manipulated.

Btw when she realizes you won't be so easily manipulated she'll pull out the drama but don't fall for it. Let her emote but don't you take any ownership for it. It'll freak her out at first, then piss her off, but eventually she'll have to own her emotions


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> You seem to have bought the "it's all the guy's fault" line of thinking.
> 
> It's never her fault for deprioritizing your intimate life, it's never her fault for overscheduling, etc but it's your fault for being impacted.
> 
> There's no point in getting angry, I will grant you that.


I agree with you somewhat, BUT playing the blame game over why I'm not getting any has *never* worked well for me, even when my wife actually accepts the blame. 

Awkwardly it is worse when I try to preemptively prevent her from overscheduling because I know we need some intimate time. How dare I get preemptively horny over her busy schedule a week from now! BUT, it does seem to work if I point at her calendar and say, "see these two days here, you really don't want me to be all grumpy do you?" So if I make it much more about me being in a very peaceful mood, she will actually side with me and say OK we can do it here and here! I've just got to be super smooth in that conversation so I come across as if I am genuinely trying to help as opposed to blackmailing her!

>

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wantshelp said:


> Sometimes I think she intentionally picks fights like that to have an excuse to be mad.


Can't tell you how many times I feel that way. My wife says she has a hard time forgiving me, so come time to be intimate she will be like, "I'm still upset at you for screaming at the printer a few days ago when the paper jammed! You need to control yourself as I am very sensitive to those things!"

And I am like... "Its a printer!"

Her... "That does not matter, you also get the kids upset when you scream and our daughter was crying!"

And I am like... "The paper was stuck and the whole printer fell off the desk and onto my toe!"

Her... "You just don't listen to me do you?"


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So, basically, your wife controls the whole marriage. Why do you let your wife control you and the marriage? And why do you find that arousing? I'm not trying to be rude, but you have to see that this isn't about house guests etc...it's about the fact that your whole marriage seems to be controlled by your wife. 

I don't want to control my fiance, it would hurt me to know that he wants me and I keep denying him.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> So, basically, your wife controls the whole marriage. Why do you let your wife control you and the marriage? *And why do you find that arousing?* I'm not trying to be rude, but you have to see that this isn't about house guests etc...it's about the fact that your whole marriage seems to be controlled by your wife.
> 
> I don't want to control my fiance, it would hurt me to know that he wants me and I keep denying him.


 @*Deidre* imagine you marry your husband and he is from Japan. You move to Japan and he and his family never bother to speak to you in English. You only get to eat Japanese food, live in Japanese culture, listen to Japanese music, visit mostly his Japanese family and friends, go to his Japanese church, shop at only Japanese stores, drive a Japanese car, raise your own children that do NOT speak to you in English and only talk to you in Japanese, and eventually you give up your citizenship to your English speaking homeland and become Japanese. 

So now when this Japanese husband looks at his English wife of over twenty years and there is little to no English left in her, and she has now somehow become the dominating force in the marriage and most respected in the Japanese house... He realizes she has become who she is now out of her love for him. 

Obviously this is just an illustration to help give you the idea










I sincerely want my wife to be confident, fiercely independent, and in control of her life, since she has sacrificed so many things for me!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I could have wallpapered the family room with all the rain checks I got over the 24 years of my marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

browser said:


> Stop talking to her about having sex. Just start fondling her and take it slow and hit all the right places, and there's a better than reasonably good chance she'll get into it even though she was deadset against it beforehand.


*From my vast experience with both my XW and my notorious RSXW, all that I can really offer up is "Good luck with that!" *


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @*Deidre* imagine you marry your husband and he is from Japan. You move to Japan and he and his family never bother to speak to you in English. You only get to eat Japanese food, live in Japanese culture, listen to Japanese music, visit mostly his Japanese family and friends, go to his Japanese church, shop at only Japanese stores, drive a Japanese car, raise your own children that do NOT speak to you in English and only talk to you in Japanese, and eventually you give up your citizenship to your English speaking homeland and become Japanese.
> 
> So now when this Japanese husband looks at his English wife of over twenty years and there is little to no English left in her, and she has now somehow become the dominating force in the marriage and most respected in the Japanese house... He realizes she has become who she is now out of her love for him.
> 
> ...


Except it would seem that the very thing you desire most, she won't give you. I think that you make a lot of excuses for why you aren't treated well by your wife.  I understand what you're saying here, but there are a lot of spouses who sacrifice for the other, and they still manage to have sex on a regular basis.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> The dance you two play is so complicated. I struggle to read and not glaze over.
> 
> Why can't your guests simply close the bedroom door so the cats can't get in?
> If your guests are sooooo allergic and they know you have cats then they could put their hand in their pocket and go to a hotel.
> ...


Completely agree. What's the big deal about a raincheck? Sometimes one or the other just doesn't feel like it, and that's ok.

This is really about control, not sex.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Would you rather get a "raincheck" and have sex when she isn't so tired and more in the mood or have sex with her now knowing she isn't in the mood, is tired, just wants to do it because otherwise you get grouchy and just wants it to be over? I'd take that raincheck if I were you. You may be feeling resentful but don't show it because that is a surefire way for her to avoid you and sex.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

A simple "take that raincheck and shove it up your ass. Get back to me when you care about having sex with your husband." should suffice. And then go sleep in the couch.

Edited out my typo


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Never figured you for a challenge like that...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Can't tell you how many times I feel that way. My wife says she has a hard time forgiving me, so come time to be intimate she will be like, "I'm still upset at you for screaming at the printer a few days ago when the paper jammed! You need to control yourself as I am very sensitive to those things!"
> 
> And I am like... "Its a printer!"
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married27years said:


> Would you rather get a "raincheck" and have sex when she isn't so tired and more in the mood or have sex with her now knowing she isn't in the mood, is tired, just wants to do it because otherwise you get grouchy and just wants it to be over? I'd take that raincheck if I were you. You may be feeling resentful but don't show it because that is a surefire way for her to avoid you and sex.


THAT is the exact conclusion I have come to! She actually is now willing to have sex with me or give me a HJ in the moments in which I absolutely have to have it, but if we both go into that moment grouchy about things it tends to be a counterproductive experience. 

I can handle holding out for a few days, but when things get delayed again after that for a few days in a row, I did find myself getting angry/resentful at her and those are feelings that can be very hard to let go of. It would have been SO EASY to begin my routines of passive aggressive temper tantrums!

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Never figured you for a challenge like that...


I can handle the big stuff no problems these days, but when my wife is no longer in the mood for sex because I lost my temper with the cats in the house a few days earlier and caused a scene in front of her company... well then... ALL BETS ARE FREAKING OFF! 



> Come here kitty, it is time to go out!


WHY? Because I am not good at traveling back in time to prevent our cats from being born!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Completely agree. What's the big deal about a raincheck? Sometimes one or the other just doesn't feel like it, and that's ok.
> 
> This is really about control, not sex.


There is nothing wrong with the occasional rain check. The problem is when it becomes the pattern and not the exception. Because, then it really is about control. But it isn't on the part of the person getting the rain check, it is on the part of the person giving it. A healthy relationship has some a lot of give and take. When one side decides to take total control of when it(or if) it is given and when it may(or may not be) taken, the relationship is out of whack.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The problem with the "raincheck" is not that the person said "not now". Of course they can say "not now" whenever they want.

The problem with the raincheck is that they don't actually mean a "raincheck". They don't mean "as soon as I feel better, we will have sex". They mean "not now". But they don't want to say "not now". Saying "not now" makes them feel guilty. Especially given all the times they previously said "not now". So they say "raincheck" to lessen their guilt. To give the impression that they want to, but that this particular moment is not a good time.

If they truly meant "I am exhausted, raincheck" then when they got up in the morning they would immediately jump their partner's bones. How often does that happen after a "raincheck"? I am guessing close to zero percent of the time.

The anger and frustration triggered by "raincheck" is not about hearing your partner say "no". It is hearing the same BS line for the hundredth or thousandth time and realizing that your partner thinks little enough of you that they think you actually believe the "raincheck" BS is real.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hmmm... I always thought you had things well in hand.

Perhaps you can get Emit Tang Buddhist to entertain kitty for awhile.









I think both you and the cat could use one of these...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Your wife always seems to have a lot of time and energy for everything and everyone else, but you and sex. Just being honest. You are always walking on eggshells for your wife. I don't get it, tbh.


Honestly?

I think the exact *opposite*.

This poor woman is *constantly* dealing with what sounds like a dog in heat humping her leg. And when he doesn't get his 'private time,' he apparently gets all moody and short-tempered and she KNOWS damned well it's all tied to the constant leg-humping dynamic she has to deal with all the time.

The OP's entire LIFE seems to be dictated by his 'arousal' and his 'need' and I honestly don't know how his wife *stands *it. I don't. I don't know HOW she stands it. The OP is like this massive, festering pile of sexual NEED just constantly pulling at the hem of her skirt all the time.

Are you the poster a couple months ago who couldn't even give this poor woman a back rub after she'd busted her ass all day doing something physical (I can't remember what it was she'd been doing) because you were afraid you wouldn't be able to control your arousal?

I honestly don't know how she stays. I don't.

Sorry.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly?
> 
> I think the exact *opposite*.
> 
> ...


YEP that is me alright! Although I'll admit that I've yet to get into the "leg-humping" thing you describe but it does sound fun... I'm more of the kind of guy that as my wife is putting away groceries that she might turn around and casually look at me and say, "why is your hand in my pants and grabbing my butt?" BUT (no pun intended there) the thing that gets me is that I'll get away with grabbing her butt for an exaggerated amount of time before she will turn around, slowly raise her eyebrows and ask me that. THEN she will shove her boobs in my face and tell me that I'm NOT getting them anytime soon, brag about how delicious her ***** is, and then smile really huge because guests are arriving in the house at any moment and she will say to me, "poor you!!!!!!!!!"

In other words, she knows very well how to fight fire with fire! She has said to me that doing that is like her #1 favorite sport in the house. She has definitely become a formidable ninja master.










Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> YEP that is me alright! Although I'll admit that I've yet to get into the "leg-humping" thing you describe but it does sound fun... I'm more of the kind of guy that as my wife is putting away groceries that she might turn around and casually look at me and say, "why is your hand in my pants and grabbing my butt?" BUT (no pun intended there) the thing that gets me is that I'll get away with grabbing her butt for an exaggerated amount of time before she will turn around, slowly raise her eyebrows and ask me that. THEN she will shove her boobs in my face and tell me that I'm NOT getting them anytime soon, brag about how delicious her ***** is, and then smile really huge because guests are arriving in the house at any moment and she will say to me, "poor you!!!!!!!!!"
> 
> In other words, she knows very well how to fight fire with fire! She has said to me that doing that is like her #1 favorite sport in the house. She has definitely become a formidable ninja master.
> 
> ...


Ah ok lol This changes things a little then...sounds like it's a playful game at times, between you both. I do that sometimes with my fiance, teasing and then we have to leave somewhere...lol It can be fun but I don't offer rain checks after I've done that though. lol


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Herschel said:


> A simple "thanks that raincheck and shove it up your ass. Get back to me when you care about having sex with your husband." should suffice. And then go sleep in the couch.


Yes. This is totally what I will do next time... If there is a next time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsHolland said:


> If your guests are sooooo allergic and they know you have cats then they could put their hand in their pocket and go to a hotel.


I know not entirely related, but why would your guests stay over if they are seriously allergic to cats? Assuming your cats are usually in the house, whether or not they are physically present when the guests are there will still cause allergic issues for your guests since their dander will be everywhere. I am allergic to cats and generally avoid being anywhere near them. My Inlaws used to have cats. My W stayed with them for a few days with our son (he was about 1yr old) and when she came home his eyes were all swollen. I told her that unless the inlaws got rid of the cats we won't be going there again. 

As far as the raincheck, I have no issue with as long as (a) the person issuing the raincheck makes a good faith effort to redeem said raincheck relatively soon after issuance and (b) rainchecks are not the norm.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I know not entirely related, but why would your guests stay over if they are seriously allergic to cats?


In my opinion "severely allergic" is only a cultural slang for "I do not want farm animals that run loose outside all over my bed, as I the thought of that seems horrifically gross to me!"

Some cultures just don't like cats you know. 

The room they were sleeping in belongs to our son, and he adores to have all the cats sleep in his bed with him. So that is like their goto place in the house.

His room usually looks about like this with our three cats, so we had to put all new sheets and a comforter for our guests










Awkwardly my wife is NOT a cat person, but as soon as she learned that they will ONLY poo in a litter box in the garage or outside in the woods instead of in the house like little weiner dogs so often do (even after being trained), she quickly fell in love with them!

Badsanta


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> YEP that is me alright! Although I'll admit that I've yet to get into the "leg-humping" thing you describe but it does sound fun... I'm more of the kind of guy that as my wife is putting away groceries that she might turn around and casually look at me and say, "why is your hand in my pants and grabbing my butt?" BUT (no pun intended there) the thing that gets me is that I'll get away with grabbing her butt for an exaggerated amount of time before she will turn around, slowly raise her eyebrows and ask me that. THEN she will shove her boobs in my face and tell me that I'm NOT getting them anytime soon, brag about how delicious her ***** is, and then smile really huge because guests are arriving in the house at any moment and she will say to me, "poor you!!!!!!!!!"
> 
> In other words, she knows very well how to fight fire with fire! She has said to me that doing that is like her #1 favorite sport in the house. She has definitely become a formidable ninja master.
> 
> Badsanta


So... if she replies to your sarcasm with sarcasm without getting offended... why are you getting no sex?

I think you are learning from your cats...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Ah ok lol This changes things a little then...sounds like it's a playful game at times, between you both. I do that sometimes with my fiance, teasing and then we have to leave somewhere..*.lol It can be fun* but I don't offer rain checks after I've done that though. lol


Et tu, Deidre? 

What is it about aggressively initiating sex for when the opportunity of actual sex is impossible, so freaking fun for some folks? 

Let me guess... which of these olympians has a girlfriend like Deidre?










It is NOT funny to make a grown man loose control of his erections or is it? Well I admit it is really funny until that moment someone does it to you just as your grandma comes over for a visit or something! Then it is NOT COOL!

Now to the wife that likes to play this game on the way up to your room, that is FUN!!!










But you and my wife are the ones that like to play that game on the way down to the lobby to go out on the town. Having the sign tell me my boner is just 1 inch is NOT COOL!!!! OK!

>

Badsanta


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Never figured you for a challenge like that...


Me or badsanta?

I am an ardent, "either your with me or your against me" kinda guy when it comes to family and relationships. Now, it's not so easy if they are lying to you or to themselves and you can't see through it. But if you know what I need and want and you aren't aboard the happy family train, then GTFO.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This poor woman is *constantly* dealing with what sounds like a dog in heat humping her leg. And when he doesn't get his 'private time,' he apparently gets all moody and short-tempered and she KNOWS damned well it's all tied to the constant leg-humping dynamic she has to deal with all the time.
> 
> The OP's entire LIFE seems to be dictated by his 'arousal' and his 'need' and I honestly don't know how his wife *stands *it. I don't. I don't know HOW she stands it. The OP is like this massive, festering pile of sexual NEED just constantly pulling at the hem of her skirt all the time.


I agree. This is why leg-humpers and not-leg-humpers should not marry, unless the not-leg-humper gets enormous pleasure from being so desired and from bringing pleasure to the leg-humper. Nothing wrong with being a not-leg-humpers. Or being a leg-humper. The problem is when the not-leg-humper sees it as a burden and a chore to cater to the leg-humper. And they get married and they have kids. And then the cost of granting them both the freedom to find a better match has gotten higher than either is willing to pay. Stress and frustration inevitably follows.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Rain checks are bullish!t, as are "coupons" that seem to expire the day before use, and promises to pay up on lost bets. 

Tiresome, off putting and unattractive.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> What is it about aggressively initiating sex for when the opportunity of actual sex is impossible, so freaking fun for some folks?
> 
> Let me guess... which of these olympians has a girlfriend like Deidre?
> 
> ...


Why don't you quit being a big baby and ignore it!  

Pretend that she doesn't turn you on, pretend that you prefer the going to the strip clubs but you will stop if she orders that Baywatch type swimsuit online and jumps up/down and starts slow motion running. Then say meh...keep jumping up and down! 

For the record, men can be big teases too!!! 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> For the record, men can be big teases too!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

Careful. Cats will leave poop on your pillow if you mess with them. 
I think you did the right thing by backing down with wife. Sex with an unwilling partner sucks.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


>


How on earth did you get that picture of my husband?  

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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bilbag said:


> Careful. Cats will leave poop on your pillow if you mess with them.
> I think you did the right thing by backing down with wife. Sex with an unwilling partner sucks.


Sex with an unenthusiastic partner sucks. Sex with an unwilling partner is illegal. :nerd:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@badsanta, 

Do you woo (yes woo) your wife on those days you want sex with her? I ask because you implied on my thread that foreplay is mostly a bedroom activity for you and your wife. Maybe she needs some non sexual foreplay long before she enters the bedroom. 

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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Sex with an unenthusiastic partner sucks. Sex with an unwilling partner is illegal. :nerd:




Sex with an unwilling willing partner is pretty fun. If you've got a safe word.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Me or badsanta?
> 
> I am an ardent, "either your with me or your against me" kinda guy when it comes to family and relationships. Now, it's not so easy if they are lying to you or to themselves and you can't see through it. But if you know what I need and want and you aren't aboard the happy family train, then GTFO.


It was meant for @badsanta... but it's clear where you stand too @Herschel! :smile2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Why don't you quit being a big baby and ignore it!
> 
> *Pretend that she doesn't turn you on*, pretend that you prefer the going to the strip clubs but you will stop if she orders that Baywatch type swimsuit online and jumps up/down and starts slow motion running. Then say meh...keep jumping up and down!
> 
> *For the record, men can be big teases too!!! *


OK @MrsAldi I have tried pretending that my wife does NOT turn me on with rather extravagant results. 

How about some *MrsAldi's Guide for Men Being a Big Tease #1 Pretending she does not turn you on.* ideas here?

Because if there is one thing in a relationship that is great, it is learning to take a really frustrating situation and make into something fun!

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> @badsanta,
> 
> Do you woo (yes woo) your wife on those days you want sex with her? I ask because you implied on my thread that foreplay is mostly a bedroom activity for you and your wife. Maybe she needs some non sexual foreplay long before she enters the bedroom.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


OMG, I know I need to work on that! Here is how that played out in my house recently...

My wife had a recent doctor's appointment that went really well. I wanted to do a little something extra for her for having had a tough few months, so I got her some roses, and chocolates. I come home and I'm unloading groceries and my son comes screaming and crying in the kitchen that his x-box will no longer read the disc of his favorite game. So I wash it for him and he comes back crying again that it is still not working and I told him the disc may be damaged and that additional washing may not help. He goes into a freaking meltdown.... Meanwhile my wife walks into the kitchen and asks me about my girlfriend. It confused the crap out of me because I was so distracted by my son's drama, so she pointed to the roses on the counter and asked if I had gotten those for my girlfriend or something (she knew they were for her!). I then let out a huge sigh and said the she was not supposed to see them yet, that I was going to put them in a nice vase and surprise her. THEN to add insult to injury our daughter came into the kitchen and said, "yummm chocolates and ripped right into them without even asking!" I got upset and told them they were not for her, then my wife got all upset and said, "she can have some!"

So I actually had to run to the store again the next day to get my wife some _more_ chocolates and a card to say something sweet to her that the kids could not sabotage. As I am on my way out the door, she starts questioning me as to where I am going and why... I make up some lame excuse that I had forgotten toilet paper and just darted out the door. She calls me on my cell all upset from the house because she found two packs of toilet paper under the counter and she started accusing me of having dementia or something and being over eager to run out of the house without checking with her first to see if SHE needed anything. So I was like, "yes honey I will get you some fingernail clippers since you have lost yet another pair!" OK, so THIS TIME I do manage to sneak past her and put her some chocolates and a card on her desk. The whole day goes by and she does not notice them??? I come to find out she was not in the mood to use her office and wanted to do her work from another room that day. So I go get her the chocolates and the card and tell her that I had been waiting all freaking day for her to discover these! FINALLY she smiled and appreciated my gesture. 

Did that help things in the bedroom? Who knows as our guests were arriving later that day and I had work to do to help her get the house ready!
@Lila so I guess I need to keep working on this one and learn to be a little more smooth?

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bilbag said:


> Careful. Cats will leave poop on your pillow if you mess with them.
> I think you did the right thing by backing down with wife. *Sex with an unwilling partner sucks.*


By this @bilbag I assume that you meant a partner willing to have sex, but yet unwilling to make it an enjoyable experience. Kind of like the, "OK come over here and just be quick!" type of thing. 

There is actually some research I am reading about how couples use foreplay as a way to disconnect emotionally and purposely make sex unenjoyable as a way to express their anger and frustration at each other.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OK @MrsAldi I have tried pretending that my wife does NOT turn me on with rather extravagant results.


Extravagant good results? 



> How about some *MrsAldi's Guide for Men Being a Big Tease #1 Pretending she does not turn you on.* ideas here?


Mr A's Guide To Making Your Wife Sex Crazy....

#1. Rain check before she has a chance to. 

#2. The next day, concentrate really hard on a project and ignore her. Answer FAQ with one word answers. 
Pretend that you forgot all about the scheduled sex. 

#3. Do whatever it is (non sexual) things that might turn her on but continue to ignore her. Don't even touch her. You're too busy thinking about that project you are working on. 

#4. Buy a weight set and start working out, while continuing to ignore her. The pheromones will send her crazy and she may try to seduce you while working out. 
You can't, you've to get a shower and ready for work. 

#5. Rain Check again, sports is on sweetheart, ask her to get you a drink, maybe a snack. Resist the urge to look or touch her behind when she bends over putting your drink and snack down in front of you, concentrate real hard on looking at the TV. 

#6. When she goes to touch it, say I'm not really in the mood, but if you could do that specific thing I like, I might be a little more interested. 

(Note, this will only work if the wife is genuinely interested and attracted to the husband)



> Because if there is one thing in a relationship that is great, it is learning to take a really frustrating situation and make into something fun!


If it works, you might just be in for some fun!  

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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@badsanta: Here is how to be a tease as a guy. Next time you want to surprise your wife, make sure to leave for the store when she can catch you. When she asks you where you are going, tell her "you don't want to know." She will insist she does. Repeat "no, really, you don't want to know." She will get snippy and insist more forcefully that it is not your place to tell her what she does and does not want. Make a huge sigh, and then slump your shoulders and say "OK, you win, I was going to get flowers and chocolates to surprise you because you are an awesome wife and you deserve them. But now you ruined the surprise so I am no longer in the mood to get them for you." Then walk away and go do a task from her "honey do" list. If she says "oh, OK, go get them" just sigh more and remind her that she is the one who spoiled your good mood, and ruined what would have been an enjoyable experience for both of you. Tables turned!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

MrsAldi said:


> Mr A's Guide To Making Your Wife Sex Crazy....


I fear that list list is not entirely fictitious :frown2:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Et tu, Deidre?
> 
> What is it about aggressively initiating sex for when the opportunity of actual sex is impossible, so freaking fun for some folks?
> 
> ...


LOL!!!! @ the Olympian pic! :grin2:

All in good fun, Badsanta. 0 And he likes it...well, he tells me he hates it sometimes, but then he ends up liking it. 

But, I don't do rain checks after teasing...that wouldn't be kind at all.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I am not sure what my question is, but if anyone sees a better solution, let me know?


My advice?

Start putting some of the responsibility and accountability of YOUR SEX life on her.

Stop chasing her of sex. It's weak. Instead you give her an expectation of your minimum needs.

As an example: "Wife I need sex a minimum of 3 times a week or I will become resentful".

Now you leave it up to her to decide when that works for her so it's not "an appointment" or boring.

She can decide Mon, Wed, Fri, or Fri, Sat, Sun or whenever she's feeling it. If she's got a headache, she can rain check you.

BUT ITS IRONCLAD THAT ITS THREE TIMES A WEEK AND IT'S *ON HER* TO MEET THAT NEED HOWEVER SHE SEES FIT.

Now if you need it three times a week and she lets you down again and again then it's time to start exploring separation.

All the conversations in the world are worthless if there is no follow through on what you will and will not accept.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My suspicion is that a raincheck is never cashed. You may have sex, but you will never get more sex (by cashing in the raincheck) than you would have otherwise without one. This may not be true with an HD partner - there is always an opportunity for more sex. Not so much with an LD partner, where a raincheck is another form of deferral and avoidance, resulting in less sex overall.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> My advice?
> 
> Start putting some of the responsibility and accountability of YOUR SEX life on her.
> 
> ...


I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.


The whole point is it's NOT a schedule.... It's up to the low drive partner to dictate what days. 

I'm assuming OP is always up for sex as a HD. Hell knows I always am. Any time, any day.

BUT a specified minimum requirement must be communicated to meet the other partners needs. 

Else a sexless relationship, to me anyway, is a pointless one. Might as well be roommates.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Sex with an unenthusiastic partner sucks. Sex with an unwilling partner is illegal. :nerd:


Unwilling was not used as a legal term but for emphasis. Unenthusiastic is not strong enough to go with sucks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Extravagant good results?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> I fear that list list is not entirely fictitious :frown2:


It took me a while to figure it out.  
A manipulating tactic, to get what he wants!  
Don't worry though, I have plans...TBC

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> My advice?
> 
> Start putting some of the responsibility and accountability of YOUR SEX life on her.
> 
> ...


This would take away all her power over me, and she obviously would not go for this type of arrangement. 

I think once or twice I have preemptively started describing how intolerable and grumpy I am going to become in the next few days without sex, BUT I have to do this while I am actually still in a playful mood. This tactic seems to work as it validates her opinions that I get too grumpy when I go without sex for too long.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We've had a standing Sunday afternoon date for years now, it's fun and certainly not boring. We avoid scheduling other things then, that's our time, don't mess with Sunday afternoon.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.





BetrayedDad said:


> The whole point is it's NOT a schedule.... It's up to the low drive partner to dictate what days.
> 
> *I'm assuming OP is always up for sex as a HD.* Hell knows I always am. Any time, any day.
> 
> ...



My wife once tested me if I could have sex at a moments notice and I did toss her to the bed and prove that I could. While I was being playful, it was honestly not an enjoyable experience for me. It was like, "Oh shît I better cum or she is going to be so pissed at me for doing this and I will never hear the end of it!" So I kind of had to force it. 

Even when you are HD, not all orgasms are good orgasms! 

But essentially YES, I am going to agree with @BetrayedDad in that my wife understands my minimum requirements and she is free to meet them however she sees fit. At the same time, I do not behave as if I am entitled to these things as sometimes I have to admit that life can be pretty shîtty and everyone just needs extra space to decompress. My wife knows that my intentions with intimacy is for her to feel loved. 

For me to enjoy intimacy I have to have an opportunity to anticipate things for a day. That is much better than going to pound town at the drop of a hat.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.


Slightly off topic but...

Yes scheduled sex can work, but only for couples who actually want to have sex with each other. It does not work to fix hd/ld mismatches. 

Spontaneity can be worked around. Think back to when you were dating. You knew you'd be meeting your SO at a given time and day, and you knew that sex was likely on the itinerary. More or less scheduled, right? Yet you actually looked forward to it. It created anticipation, not dread. Same thing after you're married, but only if the two people are still into each other.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> At the same time, I do not behave as if I am entitled to these things as sometimes I have to admit that life can be pretty shîtty and everyone just needs extra space to decompress.


No, you are not entitled to sex from her but she is not entitled to you as a husband either if she continues to not meet your needs. 

Being married to you is a privilege not a right. Some spouses think then can take the other for granted in perpetuity because of a ring on a finger.

Relationships are first and foremost COMPROMISES. I hope you are not giving far more than you are getting. That is all.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.


Give it 5 or ten years and tell us how the spontaneous part is going for you. Many women lose spontaneous a few years after marriage, may take the men a decade + to realize they actually have no control over when...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

thank you for this thread. I once lived like you.

NEVER AGAIN will I live with a woman who views sex as a chore. that is essentially what you are stuck with.

and you know what? its amazing whats out there. You choose to tolerate this....then its on you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sex *should* be fun and spontaneous. When one partner is unable to be spontaneous, sometimes scheduled sex is better than nothing. Sometimes not. 




*Deidre* said:


> I've read threads on here where people have wanted to ''schedule'' sex, and I wonder if it honestly ever works. Sex seems like one of those things that should be spontaneous, fun and not scheduled like a doctor's appt. :scratchhead: But, if it works...I'd be interested to read those stories.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

anonmd said:


> *Give it 5 or ten years and tell us how the spontaneous part is going for you.* Many women lose spontaneous a few years after marriage, may take the men a decade + to realize they actually have no control over when...


I'm at over 20 years and am still getting lots of spontaneous sex.

What am I doing wrong? :wink2:


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Personal said:


> I'm at over 20 years and am still getting lots of spontaneous sex.
> 
> What am I doing wrong? :wink2:


You're supposed to be doing it with your spouse?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

browser said:


> You're supposed to be doing it with your spouse?


I have been, exclusively for those 20+ years.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> OMG, I know I need to work on that! Here is how that played out in my house recently...
> I had been waiting all freaking day for her to discover these! *FINALLY she smiled and appreciated my gesture. *


You got a smile out of her which is nice 



badsanta said:


> @Lila so* I guess I need to keep working on this one and learn to be a little more smooth?*


{Sigh}Badsanta, not going to lie. Yep, you need to work on the smoothness. Right now you're as smooth as asphalt. You need to work towards buttah 



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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> The whole point is it's NOT a schedule.... It's up to the low drive partner to dictate what days.
> 
> I'm assuming OP is always up for sex as a HD. Hell knows I always am. Any time, any day.
> 
> ...


That's true. I wonder if people who had sex often before marriage, changed ''because of'' marriage, or were they always ''LD,'' and didn't want to show that side to the other person? I ask this because my fiance and I have an awesome sex life, and it's effortless. The teasing games we play, that's all part of it, but the thought of telling him no, or putting it off and off and off...that would bother me, personally. It would bother me if we just lost that connection in the future.  I don't want to become ''that wife,'' who's always saying no, and always pushing my husband aside for the kids, for chores, for guests, for whatever. (Not saying your wife is a bad person, badsanta, but it just surprises me that she doesn't miss sex with you, actually.)

Now things change with everyday life when people get married, I understand that. But, for a couple to be so off balance when it comes to sex like badsanta and his wife, just makes me wonder if it was always that way, or did marriage cause it?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

anonmd said:


> Give it 5 or ten years and tell us how the spontaneous part is going for you. Many women lose spontaneous a few years after marriage, may take the men a decade + to realize they actually have no control over when...


But could it be that the couple is mismatched though? In general? It isn't only ever about sex, when people stop having sex, IMO. There are other factors that probably show the couple not connecting, and so sex feels like a chore, when it shouldn't be. I don't think that what you're saying here ''has'' to happen in marriages. But it sad for sure when this happens in marriages.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw a mismatch is SOOOOOOO common and love and affection fvcks everything up. I was born to be a horn dog crazy sex crazed f boy but met a sweet Catholic girl before I was 20. It doomed my nefarious plans of debauchery but I got an amazing life that I never wanted. Now I have 5 amazing kids, an adoring W, bank.... but no sordid stories to tell.


Aw.  I like your story.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ya know @badsanta - you're just the guy to do this...
> 
> I SERIOUSLY and HONESTLY suggest you do the following: print out a "sex raincheck" with the date for each leg hump rejection you get... AND DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT IT FOR 1 YEAR.
> 
> ...


Then I would look like "spreadsheet guy" and become an overnight viral sensation 










I can't handle that much fame!

Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Meh, junior varsity level. Start worrying when vermin show up in above excel sheet 

+ A moth ate my sweater
+ A field mouse is in the basement
+ How can you want sex with them running rampant in the house?

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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I suspect X would have their own stories of getting what they never wanted.... but being presently surprised


I have my story of getting what I never wanted (near celibacy) - and I really didn't want it. I was surprised, but not pleasantly. She wasn't pleasantly surprised when I moved out, either.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> By this @bilbag I assume that you meant a partner willing to have sex, but yet unwilling to make it an enjoyable experience. Kind of like the, "OK come over here and just be quick!" type of thing.
> 
> There is actually some research I am reading about how couples use foreplay as a way to disconnect emotionally and purposely make sex unenjoyable as a way to express their anger and frustration at each other.


 Yes, when they feel like they have to do it even if they don't want to. The good thing with your spouse is she offers rainchecks. For some, it would be a good reason for them to miss it entirely. Hopefully her rainchecks are good.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I suspect Mr and Mrs @badsanta would have their own stories of getting what they never wanted.... but being presently surprised





*Deidre* said:


> But could it be that the couple is mismatched though? In general? *It isn't only ever about sex, when people stop having sex, IMO.* There are other factors that probably show the couple not connecting, and so sex feels like a chore, when it shouldn't be. I don't think that what you're saying here ''has'' to happen in marriages. But it sad for sure when this happens in marriages.


 @*Deidre* when I was dating and being crazy in college, I noticed something very different about my wife. When the sex was over, I still really enjoyed being around her. With all my other previous girlfriends I think it was only about sex, because after I got what I wanted, I could no longer stand to be around them unless I was aroused again. But with my wife, we were actually really great friends and I have always felt the same level of comfort being around her as I do when I am alone (if that makes any sense). 

So YES, it is actually very possible for a relationship to be driven completely by sex! You need to pay very CLOSE attention to how you each feel as a couple just after you are both sexually exhausted. Do you still enjoy being around each other, or do you each overwhelmingly feel like you need some space.

The quality of sex in a marriage will be subject to all the daily stress and misfortunes of real life. Underneath that there better be a very strong friendship that can survive through a few dry spells here and there until the seasons change for the better. 

My wife and I happen to be in a very good season for love right now, but I started this thread when I felt myself almost have a momentary relapse into ugliness! 

Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @*Deidre* when I was dating and being crazy in college, I noticed something very different about my wife. When the sex was over, I still really enjoyed being around her. With all my other previous girlfriends I think it was only about sex, because after I got what I wanted, I could no longer stand to be around them unless I was aroused again. But with my wife, we were actually really great friends and I have always felt the same level of comfort being around her as I do when I am alone (if that makes any sense).
> 
> So YES, it is actually very possible for a relationship to be driven completely by sex! You need to pay very CLOSE attention to how you each feel as a couple just after you are both sexually exhausted. Do you still enjoy being around each other, or do you each overwhelmingly feel like you need some space.
> 
> ...


I really like this post, what you're saying here is really important! And yes, my fiance and I love being together. We were friends for a few years first, and that trust was built over time. Without sex involved, and so I was concerned when decided to take our friendship to dating, that the sex would mess the friendship up. But it didn't. This is by far the best relationship I've ever had, and he is just everything I could ever want in a guy. So a definite yes, we love being together ...even right after sex.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I really like this post, what you're saying here is really important! And yes, my fiance and I love being together. We were friends for a few years first, and that trust was built over time. Without sex involved, and so I was concerned when decided to take our friendship to dating, that the sex would mess the friendship up. But it didn't. This is by far the best relationship I've ever had, and he is just everything I could ever want in a guy. So a definite yes, we love being together ...even right after sex.


 @*Deidre* I just had a thought to share with you as I have seen many of your posts where you are kinda freaking out about how/why couples end up becoming so bitter after years of being married. 
*
Badsanta's Model of the ideal Marriage*

Think of you marriage like a jumbo jet with two giant engines. One engine is fueled by friendship and the other is fueled by hot sex. Ideally you want to keep both engines throttled up so that your marriage will go places, but inevitably after so many flight hours each engine will need maintenance and experience sudden malfunction. Obviously a marriage is going to take you up to great heights, so when one of those engines goes out on you, you need to be able to rely on the other as if your family's life depends on it. In a good marriage:



Great sex can heal a struggling friendship
Great friends can heal a struggling sex life

Guess what? You will find yourself in both of those scenarios more often that you will think, and it is important to keep the vision that you really need both your engines going to be able to relax and enjoy the relationship. Unfortunately because most people realize that they can keep flying high on just one engine, they may tend to ignore problems without realizing:



Toxic sex will burden a strong friendship
Toxic friendships will burden a great sex life

Then when both engines in your jumbo jet fail, you loose hydraulics, all control, and crash land. Some couples see it coming and manage to do an emergency landing (therapy) and/or just bail out (divorce) to take their chances alone.

Badsanta


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@deidre I heard a cheesy morning talk show Q&A game - "What aspects of a woman are correlated with the most sex in a marriage?"

Of course there were lots of good guesses, but the number one characteristic was being accommodating.

I believe that's really the key to an active sex life, when things get hard, or busy, or whatever gets in the way.

Maybe it's another aspect of empathy.

But I know it requires something else - a willingness to talk about each persons needs and a willingness to actually listen.

It can be truly hard to press your spouse for sex when both work, have kids, etc. And if your guy is a good man, he'll probably just suck it up. But it will be on YOU to monitor this, if you have responsive desire. Because if you don't have spontaneous desire (like most men) then it'll be easy for time to pass and sex become less frequent. If it's not on your mind all the time, and you worked a hard day, and fed the kids and did laundry.... 

The danger is that he can start to build resentments and get cranky and neither of you might know exactly why.

And frankly all it takes is a tired wink and sultry smile to give a green light to most guys.

So that's my $.02 for a healthy long-term sex life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> @deidre I heard a cheesy morning talk show Q&A game - "What aspects of a woman are correlated with the most sex in a marriage?"
> 
> Of course there were lots of good guesses, but the number one characteristic was being accommodating.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your advice here. Married life will be different, I know...and then, when we decide to have children, again...things will change. At least this is what my parents and some friends tell me. I'm choosing to think positively, but I don't want to lose interest in my fiance, I love having sex with him. Love being with him in that way, and I hope that never changes. On his part, either. 

Thank you as well for your advice above, @badsanta.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

seems youare doing an awful lot of "ASKING FOR SEX" and not getting any. How about just grabbing her in the kitchen, pulling down her panties, and doing her on the kitchen table. Do not give her a chance to say "how about a lame rain check". Just get laid, she will probably LOVE your forcefullness.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> seems youare doing an *awful lot of "ASKING FOR SEX" and not getting any.* How about just grabbing her in the kitchen, pulling down her panties, and doing her on the kitchen table. Do not give her a chance to say "how about a lame rain check". Just get laid, she will probably LOVE your forcefullness.


No I get plenty... It is just that when it happens she EXPECTS me to be all revved up and ready to explode. Keeping that on ice for a few days on end is frustrating but usually worth the wait.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> seems youare doing an awful lot of "ASKING FOR SEX" and not getting any. How about just grabbing her in the kitchen, pulling down her panties, and doing her on the kitchen table. Do not give her a chance to say "how about a lame rain check". Just get laid, she will probably LOVE your forcefullness.




Dude this is about the dance. If anyone is going to rip off undies it's Mrs badsanta (ripping off baddantas) and I doubt that's happening 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Dude this is about the dance. If anyone is going to rip off undies it's Mrs badsanta (ripping off baddantas) and I doubt that's happening


Now she will rip my shirt off to give me purple nurples!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wet willies too?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> wet willies too?


Dude shut the fück up or my wife will hear! In her country no one has ever heard of "wet willies" and if I'm lucky she will never find out about them.

Now on the other hand when we are making out and she starts kissing/licking my neck/earlobes, well now... that is a much different story!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Now on the other hand when we are making out and she starts kissing/licking my neck/earlobes, well now... that is a much different story!


What your wife doesn't do that!? :surprise:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Personal said:


> What your wife doesn't do that!? :surprise:


Because he is quite possibly hairy? Getting a hair stuck in the back of your throat is no laughing matter! 

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Because he is quite possibly hairy? Getting a hair stuck in the back of your throat is no laughing matter!


Ear and nose trimmers are magical things. :wink2:


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Personal said:


> Ear and nose trimmers are magical things. :wink2:


Pfft! Some men find that offensive and are too wimpy to use trimmers! 
This is a direct quote from my husband "The hair is what makes me a man!" 
Okay Mr A, okay!  

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Pfft! Some men find that offensive and are too wimpy to use trimmers!
> This is a direct quote from my husband "The hair is what makes me a man!"
> Okay Mr A, okay!


Sure it does.

My wife likes that I have a full head of hair at 45, yet she appreciates the fact I am horrified that I now have hair growing out my ears!

If I didn't attend to it, I imagine I'd get lots of unfulfilled rain checks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Damn it! I missed it.

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I am having trouble with my WiFi, so I missed it. 


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OMFG, what kind of mental image do you have of me?


Chewbacca Image!  



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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Damn it! I missed it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk





MrsAldi said:


> I am having trouble with my WiFi, so I missed it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk



Don't worry, how about a raincheck?

>

Badsanta


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Don't worry, how about a raincheck?
> 
> >
> 
> Badsanta












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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

badsanta said:


> OMG, I know I need to work on that! Here is how that played out in my house recently...
> 
> My wife had a recent doctor's appointment that went really well. I wanted to do a little something extra for her for having had a tough few months, so I got her some roses, and chocolates. I come home and I'm unloading groceries and my son comes screaming and crying in the kitchen that his x-box will no longer read the disc of his favorite game. So I wash it for him and he comes back crying again that it is still not working and I told him the disc may be damaged and that additional washing may not help. He goes into a freaking meltdown.... Meanwhile my wife walks into the kitchen and asks me about my girlfriend. It confused the crap out of me because I was so distracted by my son's drama, so she pointed to the roses on the counter and asked if I had gotten those for my girlfriend or something (she knew they were for her!). I then let out a huge sigh and said the she was not supposed to see them yet, that I was going to put them in a nice vase and surprise her. THEN to add insult to injury our daughter came into the kitchen and said, "yummm chocolates and ripped right into them without even asking!" I got upset and told them they were not for her, then my wife got all upset and said, "she can have some!"
> 
> ...



The thought was sweet, but I think flowers and chocolates are so cliche! How about a massage, either by you or at her favorite place? Or a mani-pedi? Or a "day trip" to do something fun together? Or maybe a night or two away somewhere? Not sure what kind of doctors appt it was and what kind of "tough few months" she had had.... I do know that when I was done going through (not only the surgery) but all the doctors appointments I had and radiation treatments for breast cancer, to which I was burned to hell and back.....I got nothing from my husband.....NOTHING. So, maybe there needs to be some more thought on your part as far as the wooing goes.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lukedog said:


> The thought was sweet, but I think flowers and chocolates are so cliche! How about a massage, either by you or at her favorite place? Or a mani-pedi? Or a "day trip" to do something fun together? Or maybe a night or two away somewhere? Not sure what kind of doctors appt it was and what kind of "tough few months" she had had.... I do know that when I was done going through (not only the surgery) but all the doctors appointments I had and radiation treatments for breast cancer, to which I was burned to hell and back.....I got nothing from my husband.....NOTHING. So, maybe there needs to be some more thought on your part as far as the wooing goes.


Oh shît, so the cast iron griddle and copper/non-stick ceramic pots and pans I got my wife this Christmas might land me in the doghouse...










...because I really love her cooking and perhaps this present is more about me?

...wait a minute, I'll put a note on the card that she can use these to boss ME around I the kitchen and that I am going to enjoy learning to cook for her as good as she cooks for me!

Shewwwww! That was a close one!

Thanks @Lukedog

Badsanta


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

hahahahaha! But that's something that my husband would get me for Christmas. My husband does absolutely none of the cooking. Says he just can't flavor the food like I do and that I just do such a better job at it. If he did we would subsist on hot dogs and french fries. Now, if he got me pots and pan and I asked for that, then ok. If he got that for me and I didn't ask, then I would tell him to kiss my ass, and return them. Last year I got two bottles of alcohol from him for Christmas. Hes the alcoholic. He will buy me things that he likes.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Reading about all these TAMford wives sure is depressing. Most depressing, I've got one too. She returned after two weeks away last night and was too tired. I had high hopes for a morning frolic, but she was up and out at 5:30 a.m. doing her little Energizer Bunny thing. Sh!t O'dear.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

23cm said:


> Reading about all these TAMford wives sure is depressing. Most depressing, I've got one too. She returned after two weeks away last night and was too tired. I had high hopes for a morning frolic, but she was up and out at 5:30 a.m. doing her little Energizer Bunny thing. Sh!t O'dear.


Returns from long trips away have always resulted in great intimacy in my marriage, even when my wife was exhausted from traveling on international flights all day. 

The hugest mood killer for my wife on a return trip home would be to find our house in a mess. The last thing she wanted was to be gone for weeks and come home to and be greeted at the door by, "honey look at this mess I made for you to clean up!" 

*...anyway, back to the topic of rainchecks...*

To update this thread since I have started it my wife found herself in two more instances of needing to offer me a raincheck. The holidays have honestly been stressful to say the least. But in the name of improving communication she lets me know that her rainchecks are not guaranteed. Instead she might mention what is troubling her along with suggesting another time that will work better and why. She also shares with me where she is in terms of her attitude of being able to enjoy the experience for herself. Now THESE rainchecks have indeed well worth the wait! 

An example might be 11pm, "sorry but the kids have me really upset this evening for the way they just treated my mom. Tomorrow morning they both have that youth rehearsal at the church for the Christmas service from 9-12. After I drop them off you and I can go for a nice breakfast and then spend some time together before we pick them up. I'll be in a much better mood by then."

Now that works for me!!!!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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