# Engaged and Fighting - She thinks i'm hiding things



## Cheap_Wine (Nov 7, 2011)

It was exactly one week from the time i proposed until a huge fight erupted. I was at an all day soccer tournament with my daughter (child from previous marriage). When i arrived home my fiance was in a weird mood and began asking me about our day. Long story short my neighbor from my previous marriage was there with her daughter. We spoke for all of about 5 minutes if that. Just general how are the kids and the intermittent scream for her daughters team who was playing. So in the run down of the day I told my fiance that my daughter and i went over with a few of her friends to watch the neighbors game until my daughters next game started. Before i could say anything she asked me if i saw the neighbor and i said yes, and explained the general conversation. Later in the evening she approached me and said that she thought i was hiding the fact that i had spoke with the neighbor. Right before bed she blew up again and said i was lying about the whole day and that she knows i had a thing for the neighbor.. I never did and denied all her accusations. Then she asked if i told her we got engaged. I said no, but before i got another word out she blew up even more that i was hiding the engagement from people. Infact that is far from the truth because i have told more people about the engagement then she has.

Now in the past (about two years ago) i had hid somethings from her as i was going through my divorce and while i thought i was doing it out of protecting her from the mess it ended up just causing a bigger one. We both have been to individual counseling about the trust issue and things have been going great for a few months. Now I feel like the progress i have built and the excitement of our engagement is torn away.. She is still wearing the ring, but we are sleeping in different rooms and barely talking.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Complete and total honesty is what is needed. Trust me on this, whenever there are lies, no matter how insignificant they seem at the time, she will always remember them. That's why she blew up about your neighbor, because you've lied in the past, even if only to spare her feelings. Open up. You might be surprised.


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## Cheap_Wine (Nov 7, 2011)

Thanks Candie. The truth is that i have been honest about everything since the divorce. Even showing her the horrible twitter post my oldest daughter posted about our engagement. Every time she accuses me of something i didn't do I get angry. This time more than any other since we litterally just got engaged.


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## Cheap_Wine (Nov 7, 2011)

I have even gone so far as to give her complete access to every and all accounts from banking to email. Just to have as much transparency as possible.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So let's assume she's not crazy and you're not hiding anything. Then what? What do you think prompts this behavior? Is this a sudden thing or a long dirty trail of suspicion? And if so why do you think that is? Is she just trying to poke you with a sharp stick for some reason? Is this how she gets attention?


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## Cheap_Wine (Nov 7, 2011)

I ask myself that question everytime we get to this point. I know that she has had a string of bad relationships. The last one was physically abbusive as well as cheated and lied to her. But at the end of the day I blame it on myslef because of not fully including her in my divorce nightmare.. But in counceling i was told that i compartmentalize my life and that is why i did not include her. thos os one trait that i have to relearn not to do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So to put it bluntly she's clingy and you're distant.


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## Cheap_Wine (Nov 7, 2011)

I wouldn't say that. It seems to be the other way around if you ask me.


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## WifeOrMother? (Nov 6, 2011)

She has trust issues (for good reason it seems). Maybe you could patch this up by you and your fiancee meeting the neighbor for dinner sometime? This "olive branch" shows your fiancee that there is truly nothing she needs to worry about in relation to the former neighbor. Of cource, propose this idea to the fiancee first . . . . 

It's going to take a LONG time to build back the trust between you two - espcially given her previous relationships. If you are willing to keep working at it, I bet you will conquer this issue in time. Good luck!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

WifeOrMother? said:


> She has trust issues (for good reason it seems). Maybe you could patch this up by you and your fiancee meeting the neighbor for dinner sometime? This "olive branch" shows your fiancee that there is truly nothing she needs to worry about in relation to the former neighbor. Of cource, propose this idea to the fiancee first . . . .
> 
> It's going to take a LONG time to build back the trust between you two - espcially given her previous relationships. If you are willing to keep working at it, I bet you will conquer this issue in time. Good luck!


Great advice...I went through a similar ordeal as the OP, and we're finally coming through it now. I'm still not at 100% trust, don't know if I ever will be, but I do feel better. Like the OPs fiancee, I too had a history of sh!t relationships that were partially to blame. I started H on a clean slate, but unfortunately a few lies here, and a few omissions there were all it took to practically destroy any trust I did have. Now he knows WHY I was like that, and we're both trying to course correct.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Cheap_Wine said:


> I ask myself that question everytime we get to this point. I know that she has had a string of bad relationships. The last one was physically abbusive as well as cheated and lied to her. But at the end of the day I blame it on myslef because of not fully including her in my divorce nightmare.. But in counceling i was told that i compartmentalize my life and that is why i did not include her. thos os one trait that i have to relearn not to do.


Personally, she should NOT have been included in "your divorce nightmare". That was your business with your EX to deal with; not the new girlfriend (no matter how long you have been dating). YOUR business; not hers. All she needed to do was be supportive of you. 

By her having a string of bad relationships, lies, cheating.....she is bringing all that "emotional baggage" into your relationship with her. She needs to get this worked out within herself......and you can either support her through it, or walk away from her and the baggage she is toting around.

PLEASE do not get married until these issues are straightened out once and for all. If you decide to not get married to this woman, get your ring back.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Complete and total honesty is what is needed. Trust me on this, whenever there are lies, no matter how insignificant they seem at the time, she will always remember them. That's why she blew up about your neighbor, because you've lied in the past, even if only to spare her feelings. Open up. You might be surprised.


This is so true. I wasn't always totally honest with my husband about some of my feelings...I would hide anger and stuff that was bothering me... and now he resents me for it. I've worked on trying to be honest and a very good wife to him for years, but even little things like if I wait for a good time to tell him something he gets mad and calls me a liar and accuses me of hiding things...and says he doesn't trust me. I can't get him to trust me again. This is what is going on with you. I wish you all the luck in the world because I know how frustrating it is!


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So let's assume she's not crazy and you're not hiding anything. Then what? What do you think prompts this behavior? Is this a sudden thing or a long dirty trail of suspicion? And if so why do you think that is? Is she just trying to poke you with a sharp stick for some reason? Is this how she gets attention?


Having recently behaved similarly to his fiance I can say it was motivated by unusual behavior involving someone who obviously seemed to pose a potential threat to our relationship. I didn't actually think there was anything going on, but I recognized that what happened could be explained by unfaithfulness and that if she was unfaithful he was exactly the kind of guy it would be with. It was entirely rational for me to be suspicious, I've learned to never ignore that. Basically, I am insecure about my relationship. 
I think his fiance is probably just like me. She sees this neighbor as a potential threat, she is exactly the kind of woman his fiance expects him to cheat with. It's possible his fiance has very good reason for this, even if it has nothing directly to do with his behavior it could be that the neighbor has behaved in ways that indicate inappropriate intent. In my case that was the thing that really started my suspicions, the guy started setting off alarms the second I met him.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

stillme4you said:


> I've worked on trying to be honest and a very good wife to him for years, but even little things like if I wait for a good time to tell him something he gets mad and calls me a liar and accuses me of hiding things...and says he doesn't trust me.


Something that really helps when you have to wait for a good time to share something is to write a letter addressing things as they are happening. That way when you do share he has your narrative of what was really going on, it makes it more like you were talking to him the entire time instead of trying to hide things. It's a lot easier to understand why someone didn't tell you something important earlier when you have evidence of their intent.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

what i find works to help trust is issues is if you open up to your partner about everything. give her details and information that may seem trivial to you but shows her that you have nothing to hide and that your life is not some big mystery with other women involved. for example, tell her about your day at work, tell her what phone calls you received, who you spoke to, what you spoke about. it may seem over the top to start with but eventually she will see that you are open about everything and have nothing to hide. eventually she will get bored with the details and become less interested in all these things and your life can hopefully return back to normal.

it may seem like overkill to start with but this really works...just be casual and conversational about it though. dont make it sound like you are giving a written account of your daily activities. sounds like she just needs some transparency and reassurance to re-build the trust that was lost in the past. the re-building process can take time so be patient with her.


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