# Why can't I orgasm with my husband?



## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

How to orgasm?

Lol. No worries about my previous posts... We're going to work things out.

I'm just curious... Why is it that... I couldn't orgasm with my husband? It's our 6th year this year...

What factors do I need to consider??


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Couple of questions:

1) Have you ever had an orgasm with your husband?

2) When you say "why can't I orgasm with my husband" - are you referring to PIV sex?

3) This will sound stupid - do you know how to orgasm on your own (or as men say, take matters into your own hands)? If you can't make yourself orgasm, chances that someone else will are fairly low.

4) How much trust is there? I know for some women, there has to be some trust in order to let themselves have orgasms.

5) Stress? Stress affects women just as much as it affects men. How much stress is going on in your relationship/life?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As mentioned, can you orgasm with your hands or with toys?
If so, you likely can orgasm with a penis.

For this to occur you need friction and motion at the right place, the right pace.
If you are too wet, this works against friction. Too dry, it helps, but can be irritating, maybe painful.

One position, one type of PIV might do the trick. Practice and concentrate. 

One of the lady TAM posters (?) has given out her secret a few times?? Hopefully, she will do so again.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

1) I can orgasm on my own.

2) never orgasm with husband of 6 years.

3) trust: rebuilding after broken promises.

4) stress: comes and go. Normal. No big deal.


How and what goes through the mind before orgasm?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I’m sure there are others here who can help you far more than I. I just want to say bless you for recognizing this as an issue and trying to find a means for resolving it. 

Your husband is a lucky man.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Happykat said:


> 1) I can orgasm on my own.
> 
> 2) never orgasm with husband of 6 years.
> 
> ...


Need to expand your answer to @snerg ‘s question.
When you repeat that you have never orgasmed with your husband, it sounds like you mean by any means, not just intercourse. You say you can bring yourself to climax; so have you taught him how you get yourself off and let him try it?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

And experience with men prior to hubby?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

What factors do you need to consider?

That the brain is the largest sex organ. That you may need to feel valued, cherished and loved in order to share an orgasm with your husband.

That when your husband said:



> My hubby confessed, saying it was a mistake marrying me.
> He said he settled down for me.
> He thought I was ugly.


He effectively poisioned the well. That he has hurt you in a way that will affect your intimacy and vulnerability to him.

He has a porn addiction that negatively impacts you.

The things he has said and done are the kinds of things that take years to fix - that is if he is putting in the hard work to fix them.

I see you are doing a lot of things to try to please him. What is he doing to make up for his deplorable words?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I shouldnthave said:


> What factors do you need to consider?
> 
> That the brain is the largest sex organ. That you may need to feel valued, cherished and loved in order to share an orgasm with your husband.
> 
> ...


Whoa! I missed that quote. Is it from another thread?

We’d all be hard pressed to find any woman who could enjoy sex with a man who said such a thing. 

I hate to make the situation worse, but it sounds like the OP is the one who settled...for an insensitive jackass (although she may have had no way of knowing before it was too late).


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Yes another thread - I remembered OP, from that one, and I usually like to see what kind of topics a poster starts to get a little perspective.

"I can't orgasm" is vague, it's not like "I have been trying to explain to my husband how I like oral and it's a bit off the mark" - so I was curious to see what the "source" was.

Seems like the husband has a porn addiction, then said those heart breaking things.

Op - if you ever in this life find a man who LOVES you, who is attracted to you, who cares about you and your pleasure - I think you will be mind blown by the physical response you will have.

Good sex starts with trust, and vulnerability - I don't see the ability to have either when a relationship is this broken.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Happycat,

Does your H know that you can't orgasm with you?

Does H know you don't but doesn't care?

Tamat


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Happycat,
> 
> Does your H know that you can't orgasm with you?
> 
> ...


This. Does he even try?

Considerate lovers can make their women tingle just by looking at them a certain way and can have them in a tropical heat just by talking to them correctly.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Hey all. Thanks a lot. Appreciate the replies.

- I never orgasm, in anyways (toys etc) with him. I even tried masturbation next to him. I just cant. 



He suspects it is due to me having low self esteem. He might be right.. but I'd say he contributed to crumbling it too... He was critical most of the time. Made fun of my small eyes, big nose .. (the first three years of marriage), suggested that I drink soya milk to grow my boobs...

He criticized my house work, my child care skill etc. 

I know he didn't do it to hurt me. It was just how he was raised. His parents put down each other...in front of their children and me. His mom sometimes say things like, "when r u going to get that higher position job?".. 

I suspect how he treated me in the past, is most likely due to his parents' influence.



Then the porn addiction issue. Everytime I caught him...I always feel not good enough, and he even blamed me saying I wasn't pretty enough or hot enough. Which was true the first time --- I didn't realize that being pretty was important...

I changed. (But I can't be well dressed all the time when babies are so demanding of my time. )... guess the scars still linger.



I take full responsibility now that building my self esteem is my job.


------

- he cares about my pleasure. Still do... also my well being (I think..now I have a little doubt. )


He said all those nasty things he said recently ("settled down, ugliest woman he dated, big mistake"), he did it when he couldn't think straight... And he did it to hurt me.

But now I somehow believe it.. I think it contains truth. Yeah, I wasn't looking my best when we dated... Had short hair, flat cheated, pimples face. But somehow it still hurts to hear your spouse said that.


---

Divorce is not an option for him.
And I don't want to give up just yet. Because over the years he matured and so do I. 

We were immature. And I'm determined to help him win this battle against porn addiction. We have three kids.

Problem is, he doesn't think he's addicted...and he sees me as controling, low self esteem, ***** giving him a hard time by not trusting him..

I gave him options but he sticks with truple+applock app (accountability app)...although he hates it.

Soo.. thanks guys, I realized having orgasm is NOT a priority now.

Im not sure what should be the priority now...


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## askmft (May 30, 2018)

Hello there, before I post a response to your initial inquiry, I decided to explore your past posts. It is quite clear that your relationship has been on a roller coaster and you guys are on the verge of trying to work things out. While intimacy plays a major role in a relationship, it will never be satisfied until other things in your relationship balance out.

The fact that you have never orgasmed with your husband in last 6 years, demonstrate that intimately there was a problem. Now how do you fix this problem? Will you fix only this problem so you can orgasm, or would you prefer to fix the overall picture of the relationship, so you can have a relax and healthy sex life with your husband?

From a psychological standpoint of sexual intercourse, there might be some subconscious nerves preventing "blocking" the orgasming part of your sex life due to unresolved issues that you might be or might not be consciously aware of. Issues such as a cheating spouse, or watching porn, etc might be unresolved in your case. You can evaluate yourself and see what and where the blockage is coming from. If not, contacting a therapist or a relationship coach might be an ideal approach. 

Someone that would be able to diagnose the issues, from your past and present sex life, relationship history, and etc would be the ideal person to discuss your problems with if you are looking to resolve the issues. Alternatively, it would be ideal for you to take time out for yourself, and figure out the problems your relationship is facing and then try to work out the problems in your relationship. Most importantly, the communication. Once a couple encounters a relationship problem, they tend to change their communication which results in relationship deteriorating. I can go on and on from one thing to another and do the whole therapy in this reply, but I hope the provided information does help you out, as I created the account to respond to you.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Your husband sounds like a D word that ends with ICK! He has torn you down in a way that no husband should ever do. I am so sorry that you've been hurt this way. The mind is the #1 thing to stimulate for orgasm. I do not believe you are going to be able to move towards orgasm until your husband has created an environment that makes you feel safe, sexy and comfortable being vulnerable. With his past actions, I feel this is going to be something your husband also has to really want because he has A LOT of work to do...a LOT. 

My wife was once in your situation, I helped her repair her self esteem to the point that this "flat chested Amazon woman" (5'10" 36a) can go out in heels and no bra and feel very confident and sexy. Your husband should be your number 1 cheerleader.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Happykat said:


> Hey all. Thanks a lot. Appreciate the replies.
> 
> - I never orgasm, in anyways (toys etc) with him. I even tried masturbation next to him. I just cant.
> 
> ...




It's not only his choice.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Porn-obsessed dudes who put down their wives are lousy lovers. The worst.

They think sex is all about them, and it's the woman's job to cater to their whims. They need do nothing but get hard and orgasm, and if the woman doesn't like that, then it's her fault. Ugh.

I can't imagine how you could have an orgasm with him, given what you describe about your dynamic.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Happykat said:


> Hey all. Thanks a lot. Appreciate the replies.
> 
> - I never orgasm, in anyways (toys etc) with him. I even tried masturbation next to him. I just cant.
> 
> ...


The first thing addicts do is rationalize to themselves that they are not addicted. It's a tough barrier to break through.

That said, if he's rational at all, he must acknowledge that, as a couple, your sex life sucks. As a married man, he must know (or be made to know) that your sex life together is infinitely more important than his sex life with a computer. 

The second thing addicts do is blame shift. This is all somehow your fault. He may honestly believe that or he may know better and just be avoiding. Either way, it's just plain wrong. 

He says you have low self esteem. Geez, I wonder why that may be? When your husband, the person to whom you have pledged your life, labels you negatively, what the hell does he expect!?!

As a husband, and as someone who supposedly loves you, or at least should care about you, his mission in life should be helping keep you up, supporting you emotionally, doing everything in his power to bring love and joy into your life, not tearing you down and then belittling you for feeling down. 

You say he has matured. I'm curious as to how and in what way. His current actions do not speak to maturity. 

I commend you for realizing that whether or not you are having an orgasm is not your number one issue right now. I wish you the best navigating the path you have chosen. But seriously, you need to put the metaphorical 2x4 upside this guy's head--he doesn't seem to be getting it otherwise.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Happykat said:


> . He was critical most of the time. Made fun of my small eyes, big nose .. (the first three years of marriage), suggested that I drink soya milk to grow my boobs...
> 
> He criticized my house work, my child care skill etc.
> 
> ...


Happykat, you answered your own question about why you can't orgasm with your husband. My question would be why do you even care about putting out to this douche but I know the answer. You don't, hence why you can't orgasm with him. Beside, I suspect if you've been with even a couple or three other men, you'd know he's a dud in the sack.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You H needs to turn over a completely new leaf if you are ever going to trust him let alone orgasm . Allowing yourself to orgasm with someone is one of the most intimate and vulnerable positions you can ever be in. He has not given you any reason to trust him and be vulnerable, hence your physiological reaction to him.
Your body (YOU) do not feel safe with him emotionally.

Your H needs to sort himself out, if he doesn't you would be better off leaving him tbh.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just tell him if he had a bigger **** it wouldn't be a problem


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This. Does he even try?
> 
> Considerate lovers can make their women tingle just by looking at them a certain way and can have them in a tropical heat just by talking to them correctly.


Do you give lessons? >


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

HappyKat

You sound like awesome person, and even better yet you're willing to give it your all to make like joyful!

I predict that if you ever decide to drop you're H, he'll be a bundle of tears following you around like a hopeless puppy asking you for forgiveness and how can he make all better.

Stay adorable, just not with Denis Downer!

S1



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If you are able to orgasm when by yourself, I think that the problem is not that you "can't" orgasm with your husband. It is that you "won't."

Orgasm involves trust and being able to completely let your guard down. Your husband has poisoned the well, as another poster pointed out.

Do you think you will ever be able to trust him again after his cruelty to you? I'm not implying that you should, I don't think I could if I were in your shoes. If he is now a trustworthy and safe man, and you truly want to trust him and let him have that part of you, maybe you can get help from a sex therapist.


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## Saige (Oct 23, 2011)

Many years ago my husband and I had to work through unhealthy porn habits. It still pops up sometimes if we get in a big fight, he'll hole away and avoid reality with it. And we also dealt with/deal with some pretty aggressive behavior. He was also raised in a very tough environment. The counselor called it 'attack dog mode'. When he perceives a threat, he goes for the throat, says any horrible thing he can to (verbally) 'strike at his attacker.' 

It took many years.... years and years to get past some of the awful stuff. We aren't even past all of it and regress at times. 

We went through the same thing. I flat out couldn't even have sex with him for a long time, it made me physically ill for him to touch my hand much less anywhere else. Then he worked hard, really hard. And I worked hard... When he would show progress, I would take a tiny (emotional) risk. It has always been two steps forward, one step back. Slowly we had sex again, then after years, we created intimacy again. Most everyone around me didn't support my choice to stay, but I have decided that as long as we are working forward, it is worth it. 

I had to decide to take the risks. There have been many times when I wasn't willing or able to trust him with intimacy.... and that was OK. He hadn't earned it back. 

One huge factor is boundaries. This has worked because I have established rock solid boundaries. He knows that my boundaries are in place, I WILL NOT allow the behaviors that created this mess in our relationship again. You have to be 100% firm. Write it on paper, draw up a contract. And don't budge. When he starts to respect your boundaries. ie no porn, no name calling, show respect, etc, you will be able to build a friendship again, then later maybe a better sexual relationship, then after that, maybe a good sexual relationship. And you have to choose. Don't stay by default, choose to stay or go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Do you give lessons? >


Haven't got my business license for it yet.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am a guy and if some woman treated me the way your H treats you, I wouldn't even date her let alone be worried that I couldn't orgasm with her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The reason you're not orgasming is because your H is an @$$ and a lousy lover- it doesn't have anything to do with you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And assuming you live in the United States, it doesn't matter if he is agreeable or consenting to a divorce or not. 

If you want a divorce and fill out the proper paperwork and pay the fees with the court, a divorce will be granted whether he likes it or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Happykat said:


> Hey all. Thanks a lot. Appreciate the replies.
> 
> - I never orgasm, in anyways (toys etc) with him. I even tried masturbation next to him. I just cant.
> 
> ...


 Ugh. I sure hope it is for YOU.

What a complete douche bag.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Happykat said:


> Hey all. Thanks a lot. Appreciate the replies.
> 
> - I never orgasm, in anyways (toys etc) with him. I even tried masturbation next to him. I just cant.
> 
> ...


Wait... an orgasm is a priority! And you should seek one out - alone! Especially since your husband isn't capable. Even more so since he isn't kind and loving towards you.

Consider divorce... you don't need his approval for that either.

The option is yours - he can keep his options to himself.


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