# Made a big mistake and paying....



## looking4help (Aug 25, 2009)

I broke it off one time and had no contact – left town – and started therapy with my DH. We are in the process of reconciling. I am STILL getting emails and letters from this other man. Now, am I partially to blame? Yes. I felt awful for hurting him, as well and I have responded to a few of his emails. I was just trying to be kind. I wouldn’t tell him anything specific, but I feel mean. We have not spoken on the phone or text in a long time. I’m done – but HE says that he can’t move on. He refuses to look for another woman because “I will always be the one”. 

The last time I broke this off with him on the phone – he cried and SCREAMED as if he was being tortured for almost an hour. I just sat stoic – no emotion – and told him, “I’m sorry”. “I’m sorry.” I told him that I will always feel he was a part of the downturn of my marriage and that association will forever taint our relationship. Regardless of what happens with my DH. He just cried like a woman. 
After I got off the phone with him he emailed the song “I will always love you”. He just won’t get it.

Part of the problem with this other man (when we were in the “relationship”) is he was very selfish. Wouldn’t pay for much but expected me to break my neck to see him. And I really truly mean break my neck. I was stranded on the highway – and he didn’t come help – he just wanted me to get to his dinner ASAP after AAA responded. It was bad. I’m still ashamed at my judgement. Will always be ashamed, actually.

Anyway, here’s my question. This other man knew that I cited his selfishness and frugality as an issue. Now he is sending me gifts. I have returned all of them to him. This time, he sent a gift card to a hobby store of sorts (he would never use it because it’s my hobby) and it’s for a large amount of money. What do I do? I don’t even know if “I” will use it! I can’t return it and don’t want to be indebted to him. 
I now feel obligated to talk to him. 

Any advice? I plan on sending him another email to tell “no more” contact – plain and simple. But, what about the gift? Just send it back to him? Again, he can NOT use it. Thanks in advance.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Send it back. Change your emails/phone if you have to. Every time you make contact he will see it as a window of opportunity to continue this...if you ignore him (send it back, no note) he will eventually give up.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Your right in not accepting gifts... would be a good idea for you to move on with your life rather than get involved with him anymore.
Stop worrying about who is to blame and just get it together and realize it didn't work out. Move ahead in your life, do not go backwords or stay in limbo over this relationship. It didn't work and it's not showing signs of being anything good. Don't you deserve better?
Move ahead and keep that person out of your life. Work on the anger, as your actually mad at yourself a lot more than your mad at him. Forgive yourself for being in such a one sided relationship, learn what you can from it and move ahead with your life.


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## looking4help (Aug 25, 2009)

I am actually pretty angry at him too. He really did a very good job on playing on my vulnerabilities. I'm not saying i am not 100 percent responsible for what I did -- but the "God will forgive you" and "i wanted your young child FOR US"...."Your child will be happier with us -- than with you and your DH"....comments, are REALLY wrong, in my opinion. I feel like he was focused 24-7 on getting me out of my marriage even though I told him I still wanted to work on it. He may have had love on the brain -- but I can now see why I feel so strongly that men/women should not get involved with anyone who is married. Again -- I MADE MAJOR MISTAKES -- but when I said "no" I shouldn't have had any pressure, or doorstep visits with a man in tears.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

NO contact. No response. No returns. Change numbers. 

If he calls/emails/etc....hang up immediately and turn off the phone/answering machine or block him in any way that you can.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, then start working on you. you cheated and picked a bad cohort to do it with.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Ok whats the problem here? Stop all contact with this guy and work on your DH. End of story. Stop trying to be a nice person and do what is right.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You have to sever all contact, PERIOD.

Change your phone number, email address, etc. 

You can't talk to him, you can't text him, you can't email him, and you DEFINITELY can't accept gifts from him.

All that is if you want your marriage to work.

Trying to be "nice" will only drive your husband away.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The jerk my wife cheated with for years was a manipulator like this guy.

He kept threatening to tell me, show up at our house, tell our kids if she didn't keep screwing him.

And convinced her that it would go badly for me.

Jerk was so mistaken. I would have welcomed the confrontation.

******* come to my house?

Bring it on!

And she? My wife was conflicted. She wanted to stay with me, then she wanted to stay with him, depended on the day of the week, her mood, what?

But ultimately she realized he was a loser who could never be a good man to her. 

Whether or not I decide to keep her, is my decision to make, not hers. And as HARD as it is to live this nightmare of having a wife who cheated for so long, continued contact by her of ANY KIND would be an immediate deal breaker.

The jerk you cheated with? He knows that is how it would be for you.

So he is trying actively to be a homewrecker.

This is not love. He just doesn't like losing a possession.

Concentrate on your marriage.

I recommend sending the jerk a formal letter telling him to leave you alone. The letter? Have it be from both you and your husband. Signed.

In that letter tell him that continued harassment will be dealt within the legal system.

Then follow up that way if he does try to contact you anymore.

Look at what you once thought was worth tossing aside your vows for. 

I'm sure you smack the side of your head daily thinking of it.


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## looking4help (Aug 25, 2009)

Yes, I do. I feel like a fool. There are days I wish my DH expressed his undying love for me like this other man - but my DH is a man. The other guy is a home wrecker who I enabled. 

I try to concentrate on the negative in him....there is plenty.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

looking4help said:


> Yes, I do. I feel like a fool. There are days I wish my DH expressed his undying love for me like this other man - but my DH is a man. The other guy is a home wrecker who I enabled.
> 
> I try to concentrate on the negative in him....there is plenty.


Expressing his undying love and acting like a stalker?

At this point I don't think you should be yearning for such an expression at all. Your husband is trying to deal with dashed illusions of what his wife is and the state of his marriage to you.

Be realistic in what you get from him at this point.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Does your husband know about the affair? If the guy won't back off, I agree that getting your husband to step in is not a bad idea.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You can block him from contacting you via email. I did it with my mother in law. I believe you can also get him blocked thru your phone provider, though there may be a fee.


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## looking4help (Aug 25, 2009)

My DH was more understanding about the other man because it happened while we were seperated. In my religious views, it doesn't justify it - but I suppose it could be a bit worse. I even had a divorce attorney. 

When I said I wanted my DH to be expressive of emotion with me - I meant before the seperation. He has always been cold and stoic. Obviously, this didn't help. 

As for blocking the guy, he sends cards and gifts to me at work! AND my DH and I work together! It's just a bad spot to be in (a spot that I created, I realize). 

As for email - I can see a place where it filters email and sends his to 'trash' ..but is there a way to flat out have it bounce back?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

looking4help said:


> As for email - I can see a place where it filters email and sends his to 'trash' ..but is there a way to flat out have it bounce back?


Yes, all email providers have a way to add someone to a "blocked senders" list.

What type of email is it coming to? Yahoo? Hotmail? Gmail? or your work?


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## looking4help (Aug 25, 2009)

It is gmail


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Check the online help inside of gmail and set up a filter.

OR

Just get a different email address and shift to that one.

Be judicious as to how you give it out.


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