# Whats going on?



## centered_life (Aug 28, 2011)

Hello everyone, Im new. Im 28 yrs old, and I've been with my husband 10 years, and married 3 of those. This last year has been really rocky, which is hard after 9 years of of almost no problem. I've noticed a real change in my husbands attitude toward me, and Im totally baffled why it has come to be.

It started at my staff Christmas party where my husband began to flirt with a very attractive co-woker of mine. He's always been a big flirt, so I thought nothing of it. He began disappearing through the evening, and was popping outside to hang out with this woman privately. Eventually a friend of his told me I better go collect my man before something happened. Well, when I walked out side they were very close almost kissing, and he had his hand in her hair etc.. I asked what the h*** was going on and he kinda pushed her behind him and said nothing. It was enough inappropriateness that my friends saw, and commented on. I stayed the night at a girl friends to cool down, but I felt so betrayed. we talked about it, but he wont own it, and it feels undelt with to me. it doesnt think he's done anything wrong, other than that he acknowledges that he hurt me. If he doesn't understand how wrong it is, whats to stop him from doing it again? or going farther down the path of adultery?
The next issue came a few months later. I was just beginning to feel secure with him again, when we took a trip to Vegas with his cousin and his girl friend. About the second night he wasnt paying any attention to me, wasnt holding my hand, would walk off from the group to do who know what. That night when we were in our room I commented that I felt disconnected from him and asked what was going on. He told me that he was no longer attracted to me that my body had gone to sh**, and that there were plenty on other women here and he would rather look at them. To say the least I was devastated. Im 5'4" and 135lbs, not as toned as I want to be, but not overweight to say the least. He later apologized and said that he hadnt meant it and that he did love me, but that I was out of shape and he missed what I looked like before. To have your husband say those words to you is totally crushing. I have a whole slew of body complexes now as he seems so focused on my looks.
The third issue happened when I found a USB filled with porn. We had talked long before our marriage about out feelings on porn, and while Im am uncomfortable with it, we agreed that if it was used by us together than he could still enjoy it with me. But in this case it wasnt so. He was waiting until I fell asleep or went to work to use it. I felt betrayed again. Is this why he's so focused on my looks? because I'll never be those women. 
The last issue was when we were in Vancouver to watch the hockey game and the riots broke out. we were out on the street when this happened and I said that I wanted to go back to the hotel because it was scarring me, and he was being too flirty with one girl in our group and needed time to regroup. He was a little mad and said fine we'll go back.....well he ditched me on the way... so I was left alone downtown Vancouver in the middle of a riot. Turns out he wanted to take a short cut to the hotel but got stopped by police and thrown in the drunk tank. the fact that he would abandon me in such a horrible situation just shocks me. He said that he wasn't worried about me because I can look after myself, and he thought he would just meet up with me.
Im just so confused....He was never like this before. He was thoughtful, caring, made me feel so special. I don't know what changed, but Im not sure I want to be in a one sided marriage. I've arranged for us to start counciling next week, but Im just so lost.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Centered
Tough situations. 

1.His behavior is repeatedly disrepectful. 
2. In general he does not respect you
3. He also does have a problem with your weight - i don't know what you used to weigh - however you are 5 pounds from being medically overweight. 

Fix the respect thing first. As for weight, he may just have a low tolerance. 







centered_life said:


> Hello everyone, Im new. Im 28 yrs old, and I've been with my husband 10 years, and married 3 of those. This last year has been really rocky, which is hard after 9 years of of almost no problem. I've noticed a real change in my husbands attitude toward me, and Im totally baffled why it has come to be.
> 
> It started at my staff Christmas party where my husband began to flirt with a very attractive co-woker of mine. He's always been a big flirt, so I thought nothing of it. He began disappearing through the evening, and was popping outside to hang out with this woman privately. Eventually a friend of his told me I better go collect my man before something happened. Well, when I walked out side they were very close almost kissing, and he had his hand in her hair etc.. I asked what the h*** was going on and he kinda pushed her behind him and said nothing. It was enough inappropriateness that my friends saw, and commented on. I stayed the night at a girl friends to cool down, but I felt so betrayed. we talked about it, but he wont own it, and it feels undelt with to me. it doesnt think he's done anything wrong, other than that he acknowledges that he hurt me. If he doesn't understand how wrong it is, whats to stop him from doing it again? or going farther down the path of adultery?
> The next issue came a few months later. I was just beginning to feel secure with him again, when we took a trip to Vegas with his cousin and his girl friend. About the second night he wasnt paying any attention to me, wasnt holding my hand, would walk off from the group to do who know what. That night when we were in our room I commented that I felt disconnected from him and asked what was going on. He told me that he was no longer attracted to me that my body had gone to sh**, and that there were plenty on other women here and he would rather look at them. To say the least I was devastated. Im 5'3 and 135lbs, not as toned as I want to be, but not overweight to say the least. He later apologized and said that he hadnt meant it and that he did love me, but that I was out of shape and he missed what I looked like before. To have your husband say those words to you is totally crushing. I have a whole slew of body complexes now as he seems so focused on my looks.
> ...


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Telling her she is 5lbs from being medically overweight is really going to help her. Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13 (Jan 9, 2011)

I don't really have any advice, which I know you are looking for. Just want you to know there are people out there supporting you... stay strong and do what you feel is right.


----------



## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Centered,

You are not at fault in any way for his behavior. Your husbands actions are selfish, disrespectful and childish. You are not overweight. He is blame shifting to avoid taking responsibility for his behavior. He wants to act single when he has the opportunity.

Men don't like to be pursued, they want to be the pursuers. You may want to try the 180. 


> 1.* Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.*
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> ...


This takes some practice to do correctly, be patient with your self.

Cypress


----------



## centered_life (Aug 28, 2011)

MEM11363, While I thank you for your reply, the jibe about being medically overweight really hurt. I am not obese and dont have muffin tops hanging over my pants, Im simply not toned. When my husband and I met I was 110lbs however I was a young teenager, and bodies change as you mature. Im not sitting around doing nothing, I am active, but my lifestyle has changed from an active job, to a sitting job, with little time for the gym. I am working on my body, but I dont think its fair to have his loved based on 10lbs. Especially when he doesn't look the same either. He has also gained weight, and is not "buff" so why is it a one sided street?

To the rest of you, Thank you for the support, and ideas. Im just feeling so alone. My friends have no helpful thoughts, and are immature in stating "just leave" I dont want to be alone, I want the man that I married back. I know there are going to have to be some changes. I will try the 180. We are booked to start counselling in a week.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is being very disrespectful to you. Has he always been this way? It would piss me off if my guy was flirting with women right in front of me.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Since you've arranged for the two of you to start counseling it sounds like he's at least open minded to discussing things - which is good. He is being disrespectful and I don't think you're wrong to be bothered by his behavior. You need to communicate with him, calmly, rationally - no drama. Either in counseling or not you need to express to him what behavior bothers you and why. If he loves you and is committed to your marriage he'll listen and work to try to improve things. If he isn't interested or won't communicate then you'll have to evaluate what that means, how you feel about it and what course to take. I think the counseling is a very good idea.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> If he loves you and is committed to your marriage he'll listen and work to try to improve things. If he isn't interested or won't communicate then you'll have to evaluate what that means, how you feel about it and what course to take.


Bingo!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

centered_life said:


> The third issue happened when I found a USB filled with porn. We had talked long before our marriage about out feelings on porn, and while Im am uncomfortable with it, we agreed that if it was used by us together than he could still enjoy it with me. But in this case it wasnt so. He was waiting until I fell asleep or went to work to use it. I felt betrayed again. Is this why he's so focused on my looks? because I'll never be those women.


centered,

This to me is a real issue. He's living in a fantasy world. 

GM


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey centered---your H., has been inapropos to varying degrees 3 times-----Have there ever been any consequences, or forced accountability

Until there are consequences, he will continue to disrespect you, cuz he knows you do NOTHING about it---he says I'm sorry, and you sweep it under the rug

You have to get very hard, about this--cuz one of these times he WILL cross the line, and what you feel now, is nothing compared to what you will feel if cheated on

Put a stop to his BS, right now, even if you have to threaten dire consequences----its just the way it has to be


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think being dumped in the middle of a riot is a huge red flag of his total disinterest in you.


----------



## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

Centered,

The 180 is for when you have done all you can do the stop an affair, but it still continues. And, you are the only one working on the marriage. Its primary purpose is to protect you from the ongoing emotional damage caused by the affair. It can also cause the straying spouse to see what they will be missing by continuing the affair.

You know your situation better than I do. It may be that the 180 is not appropriate for your situation right now. 

Cypress


----------



## centered_life (Aug 28, 2011)

Thank you for the posts.
No he was never like this before. we were very open with our ideas of what a marriage looked like and we were both on the same page, and had each made some compromises that we were comfortable with. He was very adamant about being loyal and trustworthy and truthful, as he had a girlfriend in high school that was non of those things and it hurt him so much that he swore never to be that person. All this nonsense has started in the last while. He was always attentive, and excited to be with me, but then things started to change, where he wasn't so attentive, to what it is now, disrespect. 

Im not clear on what you mean as consequences? I didnt simply sweep it under the rug. We discussed it, set boundaries, but I dont think he really understands where Im coming from. When I found the USB of porn I told him to leave and to only come back if he was willing to be in this marriage. He was gone 3 days and came back and said that he didnt want to divorce. However, I am not one to just forget about something like this so we talked about it more. 

Ive been thinking more about the 180 and I dont think its appropriate for this situation. 

I've just come back from spending 4 days on a sailboat with him. And things were much better. He was more aware of my feelings (boats scare me, and usually he could give a damn and wants to sail his way) but he was careful to ask if I was comfortable, could we lean the boat a little more to catch some wind, or would that be too scary. So maybe Im finely getting through to him. 

He is open to going to counselling, however, it feels as though he has it in his head that its just to prove he's right. 

Im hoping that counselling will be the help we need.


----------

