# 4 Years Married, definitely considering divorce...



## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

First time poster! I have to say that this forum has been very helpful for me to sift through and realize I'm not alone in things. 

Below is my story...

I've been married for almost 4 1/2 years. We dated for 9 months and married 3 months later. We didn't live together before getting married and we both thought it was what we wanted. I THOUGHT it was what I wanted, to be married. We also got married older...we both were 30. He's only 6 months older than me. 

Long story short...I've learned a lot about myself by being married and him as well. Things that probably would have been a relationship breaker before we got married. I wish that we would have courted longer and lived together if it came to that. I'm regretting that now as we are such different individuals.

Our first year was pretty rough. I transitioned from living on my own to moving in with my husband right after we got married. It was difficult. His sister lived with us for 6 months and that also created many problems. Half my stuff was in the basement and my husband didn't acknowledge or understand why the transition was difficult for me. But, we made it through that year into the next. 

3 years later, we started marriage counseling and I was already starting to have doubts about our marriage, questioning why I entered into it. I thought it would help us, and in some areas it did, but in the long run, I started feeling it more and more and recognizing things about myself.

Main points I have recognized:

I'm not physically attracted to him - I thought I was in the beginning, and he did gain weight (20 - 30 lbs), not physically active anymore like he used to be. I thought he was really cute when we started dating, and the physical intamcy was so so. I thought I'd be ok with it...but its completely diminished. 
I like doing things with my friends and my activites by myself. 
I love my career - I am involved in the technology field and spend a lot of time at the office. Its a true joy for me and I love the accomplishmnents that I achieve on a daily basis. 
I don't ever want children - We talked about kids in the beginning and I told him I might not want them. He was ok with that. I made the full on realization that I truly didn't want them after the second year of marriage. I've never had the motherly instinct or wanting to have children. 
 I'm extremely independent and don't want anyone depending on me. It sounds silly, but it bothers me to have anyone dependent on me for anything, even emotionally. 
 We grew up very differently and don't agree on politics, how we want to do things, the way we do things, etc. We are on opposite sides most of the time. Compromise is very difficult for either of us. 

I feel terrible about everything. Its my own doing that I am considering/wanting the divorce. He asked me what was wrong last night, and out it all spilled. It was heartbreaking for me to see how hurt he was. BUT, I felt relieved that I finally told him. I know that honesty is key in any relationship, and it was wrong to hold this in for so long (2 years essentially). I really thought the marriage counseling we were going through would help. I feel selfish but I want to be happy in my life. Staying and not saying anything to him would be a cruelty in itself, how is that fair? Its not. 

After our conversation last night, its awkward. I know that he needs to process everything. It was a bomb dropped on him. He had no idea that I felt the way I did. The attraction thing, he kinda knew, but didn't seem too bothered by it...which was weird. 

How did some of you handle the awkwardness? I've offered to go stay somewhere else for the week if he wanted, but he said no, that its ok for me to stay there. But it hurts me to see him so down and just...mopey. I know I should expect this. I feel relieved that I told him...and very sad for the hurt that I am causing. 

I'm trying to figure out my next steps...I am hoping to get a session in with our marriage counselor and talk to her before making any real decisions at this point sometime this week if possible. Although, in my heart and mind, I do know what I want, but seeking guidance from her as well.

I wasn't planning on spilling the beans last night to him, as I was hoping to get some further feedback from the mc. But he asked the question that he never asks..."What's wrong?". I can't hide my feelings very well, and out it all spilled.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I hope its decently organized. For those in the same boat...take it a day at a time. I'm trying to do that right now.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

From what I've heard, MC can help couples decide on the next course of action, including divorce.

But staying in a marriage out of obligation alone is not something I would want to do. Just my feelings. 

Good luck


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

At this point you need to figure out if it is possible for you to be happy while you are still with him. If you come to the realization that there is no chance you can be happy with him then it is time to move on. I think I am at this point with my wife.


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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. We are definitely moving forward with a divorce. He's been amazingly amicable and understanding of where I am coming from. I couldn't have asked for a better situation with him as I have heard horror stories from others who decided to move on with divorce. Its definitely a sad time for both of us, but we are trying to be most respectful of each other. Even his family has been supportive. 

Tomorrow we see our MC to get guidance on next steps.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good luck to you. You are doing the right thing by setting him free so he can find a woman who truly loves him. You are doing the right thing by moving on if you are not happy with him.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

flashDveloper said:


> First time poster! I have to say that this forum has been very helpful for me to sift through and realize I'm not alone in things.
> 
> Below is my story...
> 
> ...



This is good that you are being honest about your feelings, goals,etc. Better now than popping out kids and then 10 years from now crying yourself to sleep. 

Make the decisions that you feel will bring you happiness in life and your career. Its also possible that you just were not compatible with your stbxh. Regardless I hope you find what you are looking for and good luck!


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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

So far this week, things have gone well. My husband has been most understanding, and after seeing our MC yesterday, he was even more accepting of the situation. Its hard on him, but acknowledged that he'd rather see me happy than keep me trapped in a relationship I don't want to be in. He wants to be friends and keep the divorce proceedings as easy as possible on both of us. We've discussed our assets and it was a painless conversation. I am grateful for his openness and I pray that one day he finds that true mate for himself that wants the same things in life that he does. He deserves it, very much. 

I will continue to go to counseling. I feel very guilty over everything and worrying about everyone effected in this. I know I shouldn't, but its my nature. I want him to be ok, even though I know there are going to be rough periods emotionally. I do care about him a great deal. 

Thanks for the support. I hope everyone is doing well in their situations.


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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

As I have stated, things are going so smoothly. I know deep in my heart this is right...I have immediately started grieving the loss that is impending of our marriage and him moving out next month. 

Coming forward with my feelings and thoughts, things I learned about myself by being married, and everything else is a weight lifted. Now comes the hard part of dealing with the sadness I feel, the crying (man, its amazing how tear ducts don't dry up), the nervous/anxiety I am feeling with the changes that have started (no more kissing, touching, hand holding..), and everything else. its a very scary time...change is hard for me. I've made sure to surround myself with my friends, family and activities I am involved in. It does help. 

He's been wonderful. That's all I can say. We went to breakfast this morning together, we watch TV together each night this week before bed and discussed our days, and in general, its as if not a lot has changed, but has in some ways, behavior wise. There's more control on both our parts, hence the beginning of the changes. We both sleep in separate rooms (have been for almost a year due to his snoring...its bad) and that's something we are used to. So I guess, there's changes, but not at the same time...other than talks of what we are splitting and such, which are done with ease. We are both trying to make it as easy on each other through out this whole process. I couldn't have asked for a better situation...but none the less, it still hurts...a lot. I love him, but not the right way to remain married (even after a year of marriage counseling), and we aren't compatible in many areas...

I know I will always have him around in my life and I am blessed to know this. He doesn't want to lose the friendship that we have, and he told me that earlier this week. I am very grateful for this...but at the same time I am worried about him.

He's "compartmentalized" his emotions right now, meaning, I feel alone in the grieving department. He's acting as if everything is fine...but he admitted that it will probably hit him when everything is done...4-6 months from now. I worry, and I feel guilty about everything that is happening, that its my fault...I know it takes two, but why do I feel so sad and hurt? He doesn't even show an ounce of sadness now...I only saw it for 2 days...and that was right after I told him this past Saturday night everything. Sunday and Monday were the only days that I saw his pain...and its disappeared. 

I guess I've taken this thread as a journal in some ways (me being the online type)...but I am hurting right now...even though I know its right, but the loss is not any less painful, because I still love him. 

It has been a full week now since this decision was made. I hope that I am making the right decision...I am trying to be logical and not allow the emotional side of me to take over...as I am extremely emotional...usually runs my head. But I keep reminding myself of the things that didn't make me happy, and what I learned about myself as a person in the past 4.5 years being married - my needs/wants, our differences and how they impacted both of us, and that he deserves to be loved my someone who fits him better, and will make him even happier than I ever could...

Ok, long post...for those experiencing the same...I hope you are doing ok.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you did a very good thing in being honest with him. You respected him enough to tell him the truth and to explain your perspective. You've given him dignity and closure to this and let him go so that someone who can really love him might be able to give him what you can't. And, you took ownership of your own happiness and life. I think that people who suffer the pain of infidelity (being the betrayed spouse, I mean) often lament the fact that the wayward spouse didn't have the decency to be honest and break it off *before* going elsewhere and this is kind of the ideal way to end things, if you're going to end them. Maybe you guys even have a chance to be friends down the line. I wish my WH had done this instead of cheating on me a whole lot because then I may not have lost my best friend as well as my life partner in one fell swoop. I'm glad to hear that some people out there are actually mature and responsible. I hope the rest of your divorce goes smoothly for you both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He might be fine. You said that you both had issues up to now. So maybe he has been thinking of things that he has not told you. By you bringing up the divorce you took the responsibility off of him. So he might just feel like a large weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

It sounds like the both of you will be better off after this divorce.


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