# Wife had affair



## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

I have been married for 30 years during which time my wife and I have had many ups and downs. 2 college graduate boys and a sixteen year old junior in high school. In May of this year my wife was contacted by a mutual friend we both knew from high school and we both met him to catch up. Turns out they had been in contact before and since then have been emailing, texting and talking on the phone hundreds of times during the past 8 months. In August my wife sent me an email saying that she wanted a divorce but we couldn't afford to move out until after the first of 2013. She then told me in November that she wanted to spend a few days alone to get herself ready to start her first job in 15 years. I had always trusted her and didn't question he plans. Early this month my son found a love letter email on the computer from this old high school friend. She told me they were in love and in her mind we had been legally separated since August and she was free to do whatever she wanted. I went a little nuts and she immediately moved out and I filed for divorce last week. I have since found her password to her email and have found hundreds of their communications to each other over the past year. I am absolutely sick about it but I can't stop reading how they planned this whole thing out. Sorry for babbling and I hope I can get some good advice here.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

First thing , save all the evidence. Forward them to your mail. And then save them on an a backup. Change your passwords.

Then start exposing her affair and what happened to close friends and family. First to your kids(in appropriate terms) and then to her family. 
This woman totally blindsided you. She was with you while she pursued another relationship. And she kept lying to you all there months. You were fighting a war the you never knew about. She planned the whole thing.

Find out about her lover and if he is married. If he is married expose to his wife. If he is not, expose it to his kids and family. No holds barred..And this is not out of just revenge. Expose the affair at his work place if that matters. you owe this man nothing.

And finally, don't believe for a minute any justifications she is giving you for the affair. Not one!! She started and confirmed the relationship way before the separation talk. don't trust this woman at all.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I have been married for 30 years during which time my wife and I have had many ups and downs. 2 college graduate boys and a sixteen year old junior in high school. In May of this year *my wife was contacted *by a mutual friend we both knew from high school and we both *met him *to catch up. Turns out *they had been in contact before *and since then have been emailing, texting and talking on the phone hundreds of times during the past 8 months. *In August my wife sent me an email saying that she wanted a divorce *but we couldn't afford to move out until after the first of 2013. She then told me in November that she wanted to *spend a few days alone to get herself ready to start her first job in 15 years*. I had always trusted her and didn't question he plans. Early this month my son found a love letter email on the computer from this old high school friend. She told me they were in love and *in her mind *we had been legally separated since August and she was free to do whatever she wanted. I went a little nuts and *she immediately moved out *and I filed for divorce last week. I have since found her password to her email and have found hundreds of their communications to each other over the past year. I am absolutely sick about it but I can't stop reading how they planned this whole thing out. Sorry for babbling and I hope I can get some good advice here.


Where is your wife now? With other man? She was planning to divorce and move out, and now she did move out, so I am assuming that she has been telling family and friends you plan to divorce and possibly telling them how unhappy she's been in your marriage for such a very, very long time.

Aside from your meet-up in May, has your wife had an opportunity to be meeting up with him? Has this been a physical affair?

If you've been able to read all of the emails, you probably have a good idea of the extent of what your wife has done. Do you want to reconcile? If so, what have you been doing since you found out in August that she plans to divorce you after the first of the year? Has life just gone on as normal or have you both been making plans to divorce?

Assuming that you're posting here because you want to reconcile, have a talk with your wife. Tell her face to face that you love her and want to fix your marriage. Tell her you plan on fighting for her and fighting for your marriage and that you are willing to improve your legitimate faults.

Next, expose the affair to your family and hers and close friends. Tell them she has been cheating on you, with whom, and ask them to support your marriage by encouraging her to work it out with you. Tell them she was cheating on you well before August when she first told you she wanted a divorce and that as far as you can tell, the cheating is the reason she wants the divorce. Call them on the phone, keep it brief, then move on to the next person. If you can't reach them by phone, leave a message to call you back. If you don't get a call back by the time you've finished with your list, send them an email letting them know you tried to reach them by phone and then state what you would have told them over the phone.

Contact other man's wife/girlfriend if he has one, also contact his parents, siblings, close relatives and friends, and let them know he is cheating with your wife and breaking up your family. Tell them your wife was perfectly happy in the marriage until other man started making a play for your wife and you still are fighting for your marriage. You can do this by Facebook message, email, or phone call.

The goal is to get other people to show their disapproval to your wife and other man, to remove the secrecy of the affair, and to upset their fantasy that everyone will be HAPPY for both of them that they FOUND each other and fell in love AFTER your divorce. Your wife had been planning on letting everyone believe that you were so bad and she was so unhappy; and that other man was there for her in her time of need, AFTER she decided to divorce, and then their friendship blossomed into something more AFTER she actually was divorced.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE IN ADVANCE THAT YOU ARE EXPOSING TO ANYONE. It will just give her and other man a chance to thwart your plans by warning every one about your "unfounded" "paranoid" jealousy.

If your wife gets mad about the exposure, tell her that everything you are doing is only because you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage, and that, after all, you only are telling the truth; and it is she who has been telling lies.

By the way, it's interesting how "in her mind" you were "legally" separated. If it's only in her mind, how could it be "legal"? She is really in la-la land. How could you be separated and you not know it?

Finally, DO NOT let her know that you cracked her email. NEVER reveal your source of information. If she tries to lie to you about the affair, if you catch her in a lie, just tell her that you KNOW she is lying, but don't say how. Tell her the lie doesn't make sense, her story doesn't add up, but don't say how you know it is a lie, just that you know.

If your wife does agree to reconcile and work on the marriage, she will have to give up all contact now and forever with the other man.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

She has moved out. The marriage is definitely over. She met him those days she was gone in November. There are over 500 emails and I am sure double that amount of texts over the 8 months they have been talking. She has absolutely fallen for him and I can't believe it is her writing those things because she has never spoken to me that way. 

She told me about the affair and that they were in love on Dec 11 only because she was confronted with evidence by our son. I filed for divorce on Dec 13 myself because we don't have much to split up and I don't want to give it all to lawyers. 

All 3 boys are disgusted and ashamed. My family is completely blown apart. I have found an apartment close to the high school and my 16 yr old is going to live with me.

She is planning a trip with him in January to AZ and I am planning on moving with my son the weekend of January 12-13. It may seem that I am moving too fast, but I can't get away from her fast enough and I won't be able to move on until we are settled. My focus is on my 16 yr old and I want him to feel secure in our new life as soon as possible.

She is coming to the house today with a girlfriend to spend the day with the boys and I am leaving for the day to spend it by myself.

One more thing about the emails. I am not sure how healthy it is for me to be reading this stuff. It is unbelievably painful to see how they are talking to one another, but I find myself logging on daily.

Don't know what else to say except that the pain I am going through is excruciating. Thanks for your support.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not let her take your son. It will not work out, this has an 80% failure rate.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Do not let her take your son. It will not work out, this has an 80% failure rate.


I thought older kids had a say in whom they wanted as primary custodian. 

Anyway, its going to be alright friend. You're going to survive, thrive in fact.


Readthis

It'll help you prepare mentally for the divorce and to detach emotionally from your wife.

Start working out. This time next year(hopefully earlier) you'll be dating a younger more beautiful woman that'll make your wife seem frumpy.

EDIT: I also suggest you not to reconcile even if she comes back begging for a second chance( don't expect this though). Pretty soon you'll be left with an empty nest and trust me it gets so very boring and on top of that you have a cheating wife, lots of resentment to get over and totally not worth it in your case. You'll do better.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Why are _you_ leaving the house when it's _she_ that is leaving the marriage? You're making this way too easy for her.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Do not let her take your son. It will not work out, this has an 80% failure rate.



No, My son has decided to live with me.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jim123 said:


> Do not let her take your son. It will not work out, this has an 80% failure rate.


Actually, jim, that affair failure rate is 97% within 2 years. Either way, not a particularly safe bet.

Dumbasses


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

3putt said:


> Why are _you_ leaving the house when it's _she_ that is leaving the marriage? You're making this way too easy for her.



I know I am making today easier but I am doing it for the boys.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I thought older kids had a say in whom they wanted as primary custodian.
> 
> Anyway, its going to be alright friend. You're going to survive, thrive in fact.
> 
> ...


No way we will reconcile. She is jumping into a relationship with this guy 100%. He has told his wife as well and it has become such an F'ing mess all around. I can't even stand to look at her anymore. I have only seen her once in the last two weeks. I need to move on as fast as I can for my own sanity.

Thanks for the advice.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Put the POSOM on cheaterville.com. Everytime someone does a google search on him they will know what a pile he is. Be sure and send him the notification from their annonymous option.

Good luck


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Put the POSOM on cheaterville.com. Everytime someone does a google search on him they will know what a pile he is. Be sure and send him the notification from their annonymous option.
> 
> Good luck


Not sure if that is such a good idea. They will both know it was me and I don't want to rock the boat until I get want I want in the divorce. I bookmarked that site though, thanks for the input.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Put the POSOM on cheaterville.com. Everytime someone does a google search on him they will know what a pile he is. Be sure and send him the notification from their annonymous option.
> 
> Good luck


Yes do that cheaterville it has very good results find out where he works and out him there also.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She is rocking the boat not you come on. What ground do they have to stand on, none!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> No way we will reconcile. She is jumping into a relationship with this guy 100%. He has told his wife as well and it has become such an F'ing mess all around. I can't even stand to look at her anymore. I have only seen her once in the last two weeks. I need to move on as fast as I can for my own sanity.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


How do you know he has told his wife? You can bet your ass that if this info came from your WW, it's one big-assed lie.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

3putt said:


> Actually, jim, that affair failure rate is 97% within 2 years. Either way, not a particularly safe bet.
> 
> Dumbasses


You are correct it is an 80% failure for the affair. If they marry, the married has a failure rate double that of a marrige without an affair, The rate is 90%.All said and done it is a little less than 3% but rounds up.

I know three cases like this. All with the same ending. Accross the street from me, his wife did the same thing. Her kids hate her and will not talk to her, She was not invited to her daughter's wedding nor has seen her grandchild. She broke up with the love of her life. He however, met a wonderfull woman and they will be married. She came out of an abusive relationship. He has never been happier and his life is great.

There are far more good woman out there then good men. if you are a good man, it is a men's world,


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"No way we will reconcile. She is jumping into a relationship with this guy 100%. He has told his wife as well and it has become such an F'ing mess all around. I can't even stand to look at her anymore. I have only seen her once in the last two weeks. I need to move on as fast as I can for my own sanity."

Yes, you absolutely do need to move on and do it quickly. If more members did this they would heal sooooo much faster!! Eliminate all thoughts of her, good or bad. Keep evidence in a safe place and then forget it. WORK ON YOURSELF AND YOUR SONS. TIME TO BE SELFISH!!!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

tom67 said:


> She is rocking the boat not you come on. What ground do they have to stand on, none!


Right now his priority should be his sons and the divorce process. He can post them after he gets a quickie divorce. If she gets wind of it before, things can turn pretty hostile.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

3putt said:


> How do you know he has told his wife? You can bet your ass that if this info came from your WW, it's one big-assed lie.


It doesn't matter.

And OP, I can tell you that you're far ahead of the others who come here for help.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

jim123 said:


> You are correct it is an 80% failure for the affair. If they marry, the married has a failure rate double that of a marrige without an affair, The rate is 90%.All said and done it is a little less than 3% but rounds up.
> 
> I know three cases like this. All with the same ending. Accross the street from me, his wife did the same thing. Her kids hate her and will not talk to her, She was not invited to her daughter's wedding nor has seen her grandchild. She broke up with the love of her life. He however, met a wonderfull woman and they will be married. She came out of an abusive relationship. He has never been happier and his life is great.
> 
> There are far more good woman out there then good men. if you are a good man, it is a men's world,


It's sad to see people destroy themselves and their families just for some momentary gratification.

Dumbasses


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> She is rocking the boat not you come on. What ground do they have to stand on, none!


I know. At this point I owe her nothing but I have a divorce settlement to think about and in the long run if I am civil now, I stand a better chance of getting what I want that will impact my life for many years. Believe me, I went nuts when she told me, so much so that she felt she had to leave immediately.I will get them both back, but I have to think straight before doing anything that would jeopardize my life after this divorce.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I know. At this point I owe her nothing but I have a divorce settlement to think about and in the long run if I am civil now, I stand a better chance of getting what I want that will impact my life for many years. Believe me, I went nuts when she told me, so much so that she felt she had to leave immediately.I will get them both back, but I have to think straight before doing anything that would jeopardize my life after this divorce.


You are right merry christmas!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I know. At this point I owe her nothing but I have a divorce settlement to think about and in the long run if I am civil now, I stand a better chance of getting what I want that will impact my life for many years. Believe me, I went nuts when she told me, so much so that she felt she had to leave immediately.I will get them both back, but I have to think straight before doing anything that would jeopardize my life after this divorce.


Anger is good, do the 180 and you'll feel the anger transform to indifference. That should be your goal right now. And I agree with you on not wanting to rock the boat till you're out of it.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

3putt said:


> How do you know he has told his wife? You can bet your ass that if this info came from your WW, it's one big-assed lie.


From reading their emails to each other. This is the benefit of having access to her email without her knowledge, although as I said before I am not sure it is healthy for me at this point.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> From reading their emails to each other. This is the benefit of having access to her email without her knowledge, although as I said before I am not sure it is healthy for me at this point.


Verify from his wife personally that she is aware of what is going on.

Curious, do have no interest in busting this up to see if your marriage is repairable? If not, then just what exactly is it you're seeking?


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## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

I feel your pain on this.

When I read my wifes emails to the other man I didn't recognize her writing. It was like another person wrote them. It was as heart breaking to know I never really knew her as what the emails were about. I learned there was another hidden person in her all of this time.

I've been reading a lot about affairs since dday, as I'm sure you have too. One thing that stands out is that right now she is living a fantasy. There are no bills, no day to day, and no concerns with the other man. When she moves in with him all of that ends. It will likely be the death of their relationship. When that happens there is a good chance she will come crawling back. Considering you supported her for 15 years I think there's a really good chance of that. 

Right now is a good time to do all you can to emotionally detach from her, but it's also a good time to start working out, buy yourself some nice new clothes, and spend time with friends.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> *She is planning a trip with him in January to AZ and I am planning on moving with my son the weekend of January 12-13. *It may seem that I am moving too fast, but I can't get away from her fast enough and I won't be able to move on until we are settled. My focus is on my 16 yr old and I want him to feel secure in our new life as soon as possible.
> 
> She is coming to the house today with a girlfriend to spend the day with the boys and I am leaving for the day to spend it by myself.


Nice to se where her priorities are. 

Are the boys ok with spending the day with her? She will probably try to seek their approval by convincing them how "unhappy" she was and how they should be happy for her. Garbage like that.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> Nice to se where her priorities are.
> 
> Are the boys ok with spending the day with her? She will probably try to seek their approval by convincing them how "unhappy" she was and how they should be happy for her. Garbage like that.


Ya. Priorities huh? Anyway, the boys are anxious about seeing her and I have told them to be respectful and civil with her. I also told them that there are no rules here and they are free to say or react in anyway they feel. Hoping for a calm day, but to say that emotions are running high is an understatement.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

3putt said:


> Verify from his wife personally that she is aware of what is going on.
> 
> Curious, do have no interest in busting this up to see if your marriage is repairable? If not, then just what exactly is it you're seeking?


At this point I cannot see going down any other route but a divorce. In my opinion she didn't just have an affair when they physically met, but was cheating with each email, text, phone call for the past 8 months. many times with our boys and I sitting in the same room while she talked to him via text. (another nugget I read in the emails). I just don't think I want to be with a person so selfish and hurtful to a 30 year relationship. I was looking for people who may have had the same experience as I when I found this forum. Appreciate the opportunity to spill my guts.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

MysticMouse said:


> I feel your pain on this.
> 
> When I read my wifes emails to the other man I didn't recognize her writing. It was like another person wrote them. It was as heart breaking to know I never really knew her as what the emails were about. I learned there was another hidden person in her all of this time.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I am in such a dark place right now I can't wait for the next few months to go by so I can have a chance to see the sun again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I assume all of your and her family knows of your impending divorce; are they also aware of her cheating? If so, what has been their reaction and influence, if any? She doesn't care what your boys think about this, either?

What was so wrong with your marriage that your wife didn't even want to work on it, in her opinion?

How is your son, the 16-year-old? I can only imagine how he felt finding that type of message from his mother to another man. If he was close to his mother and thought well of her, this has to be very hard on him, also, maybe even harder than it is on you. What was your wife's reaction to your son when he found out?

You have gotten through the worst, which is finding out and being in that land between reconciliation and divorce and that feeling of not being in control of your own destiny. By filing for divorce and taking control, things will get better each day. It's not a straight line and for sure there are some tough days ahead as you split up 30 years worth of stuff and the emotions that go along with them, but time is the biggest healer.

Try to plan ahead for days that you know will be tough, anniversaries of special occasions, holidays (like this one) where you will be without your children, so that you have something to do that will keep you busy on those days.

Reading the emails is, I think, necessary for you at this point. You might as well keep abreast of what she's up to. After you get the division of assets and custody settled, and your divorce is final, you can stop reading them. Skip over the sex and love parts of the emails as much as possible and just monitor if she is going to try to take advantage of you in the divorce. Don't dwell on them.

She is telling him things she never told you. This is not surprising. She felt very deeply for you and she loved you, but she did not have an affair with you. It is different. What you are reading in the emails are the types of things that two wrongdoers say to each other; they feel especially close to each other, in large part because they both are involved in cheating and they shared that secret, and now that it is not secret, they share that guilt and that shame for betraying not only their spouses but their own long-held ideals, for hurting all of those that they professed to love the most, their spouses and their children and even their other family and friends who respected them.

Even if she is not acting guilty or ashamed, it is there. She is not acknowledging it or expressing it, instead her and other man are caught up in telling each other how their love is so true, they are soulmates, how their marriages were so bad, and how their spouses didn't grow with them, and what a great and wonderful future they will have together - all that bullspit - so they can avoid talking or even thinking about how badly they've behaved.

You know what ends up happening? Sometime in the future, when they are living together, or even married, maybe three months down the line, maybe three years down the line, but not much longer than that, they wake up one day and realize that they feel the same way about each other that they once felt about their spouses. They ruined two families, caused all that pain, just to wind up no happier in the end.

Try to focus on the positive. Hold your head high. Your boys loved their mother, but even they don't see her side of this at all. Show your boys how to handle adversity by your example. Even the adult kids will be looking for you to be strong and go forward with dignity and self-respect and be an example of how they should handle themselves when things go wrong.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> From reading their emails to each other. This is the benefit of having access to her email without her knowledge, although as I said before I am not sure it is healthy for me at this point.


Save those emails in a word document, contact BW and aske her whether she wants the evidence. If so send her everything. They have been planning this carefully, you both got blinsided, she needs to know the real extent of the deceit in order to make informed choices, not with the garbage she's been sold by her cheater of a husband. Do it gently, she's another victim here.

I'm sorry man, take care of you and your son.
Embrace, life the 180, let her go.
The 180 degree rules
Just Let Them Go


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ifyou haven't already, you have to get yourself and you 16 yr old into individual counseling. This may sound a bit much but this has been seen here thousands of times.

Cheaters follow a script. So do the betrayed spouses. You need to find a counselor that has experience with infidelity and PTSD. I am as serious as a heart attack. The damage this does to one is that bad.

Also, see your MD. He sees this all the time and can offer you some help that will ecen things out a bit. I have never seen any one say this turned out to be bad advice for them but there have been plenty that gave thanks they tookthe advice and could kick themseves for not doing it sooner.

BTW this will get a lot better.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> From reading their emails to each other. This is the benefit of having access to her email without her knowledge, although as I said before I am not sure it is healthy for me at this point.


He could be lying to his wife too. he is a cheater remember. Or he gave his wife the same bull**** your wife gave you.

This happened to one poster here too. Save all the evidence (Forward all their mails to your own) and then contact his iwfe,. Then most respectfully tell her that who you are and that you have the correspondence of the last few months between then and all the details. And you would give them to her if that is what she wants..

Absolutely save the evidence. Ask us if you need help in doing that.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

First, I would like to thank you for taking the time to wrtite me on Christmas day with your kind words of encouragement. It certainly has made me feel better about myself on this day. 

My answers to your questions and comments are in blue bleow.


Will_Kane said:


> I assume all of your and her family knows of your impending divorce; are they also aware of her cheating? If so, what has been their reaction and influence, if any? She doesn't care what your boys think about this, either?
> I originally was not going to tell my family until after the holidays, but she moved in with my sister in laws mother who happens to be a 78 yr old retired family therapist. She has told me she is getting daily counseling from her. I am absolutely uncomfortable with this arrangement mainly because of how close her mom is to my family and I will always wonder what has been said to my brother and his wife whether on purpose or by accident. The second problem I have with it is I don't see how she give objective counsel to someone who is living and helping her with errands,cooking, cleaning. Saw a pic she posted of the two of them having a holiday meal at a fancy restaurant last night. The nightmare just keeps mushrooming.
> 
> My family knows what she did, but I have not given out any details. My sister called her and she unloaded a mountain of crap not only about me but our children and her relationship with them as well. She even mentioned our sex life to my sister? To what end I do not know and my sister thinks she is nuts.
> ...


Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement. They mean a great deal to me at this dark time in my life.

Take care.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> He could be lying to his wife too. he is a cheater remember. Or he gave his wife the same bull**** your wife gave you.
> 
> This happened to one poster here too. Save all the evidence (Forward all their mails to your own) and then contact his iwfe,. Then most respectfully tell her that who you are and that you have the correspondence of the last few months between then and all the details. And you would give them to her if that is what she wants..
> 
> Absolutely save the evidence. Ask us if you need help in doing that.


I am hesitant to let anyone close to me know I am reading their email. Don't know how she will react and I don't want to loose the ability to read them at this point.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Ifyou haven't already, you have to get yourself and you 16 yr old into individual counseling. This may sound a bit much but this has been seen here thousands of times.
> 
> Cheaters follow a script. So do the betrayed spouses. You need to find a counselor that has experience with infidelity and PTSD. I am as serious as a heart attack. The damage this does to one is that bad.
> 
> ...


Already got a referral from my MD for a family therapist. Just haven't pulled that trigger yet. Asked my son if it would be alright for me to contact his counselor at school and he said no for now. Watching him carefully and will either get him talking with someone at school or bring him to my therapist after I get started.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Save those emails in a word document, contact BW and aske her whether she wants the evidence. If so send her everything. They have been planning this carefully, you both got blinsided, she needs to know the real extent of the deceit in order to make informed choices, not with the garbage she's been sold by her cheater of a husband. Do it gently, she's another victim here.
> 
> I'm sorry man, take care of you and your son.
> Embrace, life the 180, let her go.
> ...


I am hesitant to let anyone close to the situation know I have access to their email. I don't know her and can't know what her reaction will be. They are extremely difficult to read and I don't know how strong she is. Going to have to think about this more.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm curious, has this affair gone physical or is this a long distance emotional affair? I wasn't able to infer whether it was a PA or just an EA from your posts.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I'm curious, has this affair gone physical or is this a long distance emotional affair? I wasn't able to infer whether it was a PA or just an EA from your posts.


They dated briefly in High School 37 years ago. She was my high school sweetheart after that and we have been married for the past 30 years with 3 kids. 2 years ago he contacted her online to say hi and catch up. We both met up with him in May with my 16 yr old along too. Apparently they had been talking for a few months about meeting and this was when they really started getting serious with their online relationship. He lives 600 miles north and when my wife recently went back to work she told me she wanted a few days of alone time to get ready for her new job. I have always admired her honesty and integrity so I had no problem with her time away. This is when they met and consummated their affair. Had my son not inadvertently seen an email from him and confronted her with it, she would still be deceiving all of us. She is also planning on meeting up with him again next month. I can't get away form her fast enough. I just hope I am making the right decisions for my boys and I.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Even if she is not acting guilty or ashamed, it is there. She is not acknowledging it or expressing it, instead her and other man are caught up in telling each other how their love is so true, they are soulmates, how their marriages were so bad, and how their spouses didn't grow with them, and what a great and wonderful future they will have together - all that bullspit - so they can avoid talking or even thinking about how badly they've behaved.

*This part you wrote is truly amazing* and spot on from what I have read of their correspondence. Right down to the soul mate comment. Good point that if what she was doing was right, then why did she feel compelled to lie and deceive?_

It is not amazing at all. These cheaters all follow a script, they almost all say this stuff to each other, when we find out about our spouses doing this to us it all is a mystery, we have never given much thought to it before. As we investigate and learn and visit forums such as this, we realize that the behavior of cheaters, right down to what they say to each other, can be predicted as easily as the behavior of small children placed in a room with toys and candy. It plays out like a bad TV movie and it is predictable right down to the exact words that they speak. They are a bad cliche.

The amazing part to me is how they don't realize how juvenile and childish they sound when they say the things they do to each other, it almost is like eavesdropping on two teenagers who don't have any clue about what the real world is like, how they are going to be rich and live in a big house in eternal bliss with each other, with none of life's harsh realities like chores, financial pressures, health problems, and the like intruding on their world. Some posters refer to it as "the land of rainbows and unicorns." 

The truth is, other man leaves his underwear on the floor too, other man needs to eat, too, and other man's bathroom gets dirty, too. The best way to end these affairs is through exposure to all family and friends of you, her, and other man. The second best way is to let her go live with other man, let her get a taste of her new reality, not the fantasy of what she believes is to come.

I encourage you to have a brief chat with each of your and her family members about her infidelity and the current state of your marriage, as unemotional as you can, sticking just to the basic facts, that she is cheating and that is when the problems in your marriage really started, despite what she might be telling them. Tell them it has been hard on your children and ask for their prayers and support of your kids.

I assume your boys will someday have kids of their own and that you will have to deal with her and her family, and I believe it will make quite a difference for you if they know the truth.

I also encourage you to have brief chat with other man's wife to let her know where your marriage stands and to ask her to keep you up to date with any big developments, and promise to do the same for her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> [
> 
> It is not amazing at all. These cheaters all follow a script, they almost all say this stuff to each other, when we find out about our spouses doing this to us it all is a mystery, we have never given much thought to it before. As we investigate and learn and visit forums such as this, we realize that the behavior of cheaters, right down to what they say to each other, can be predicted as easily as the behavior of small children placed in a room with toys and candy. It plays out like a bad TV movie and it is predictable right down to the exact words that they speak. They are a bad cliche.
> 
> ...


Soulmate Shmoopies......

This is a perfect example of what you are talking about....

PART 1: WH and OW–Our Love is Real « Soul Mate Shmoopies

These animation vids were done by a BW, and they are so accurately illustrated it's not even funny. These waywards are all the same.

Every damned one of them. It truly IS a script!


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> Not sure if that is such a good idea. They will both know it was me and I don't want to rock the boat until I get want I want in the divorce. I bookmarked that site though, thanks for the input.


:iagree:


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

While I know this has been a tough week, you are actually doing well. Stick with your plan, concentrate your efforts on you and your son. Expose this ugly affair to the light of day. Life has a way of evening up the score, without you doing much in retaliation. Best wishes to you and your family.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> I am hesitant to let anyone close to the situation know I have access to their email. I don't know her and can't know what her reaction will be. They are extremely difficult to read and I don't know how strong she is. Going to have to think about this more.


i am not sure what you mean by this. you can not let anyone know but keep them for your own reference. once the divorce is done, who cares!! And if you contact his wife, don't tell her you have evidence yet, but discuss what you are comfortable with..


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> Thanks for the advice. I am in such a dark place right now I can't wait for the next few months to go by so I can have a chance to see the sun again.


 You were once the rock of her life, living a good life with three great kids. But now like smelly rotting fungi she thrives in a fantasy in their underground. Let the sun begin to shine on their treachery. Pick up the phone and just tell the truth.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Rather than telling the OMW that you have evidence you should just call her up and confirm that the affair is out in the open. My guess is that she's still in the dark about all of this but I could be wrong. Affairs are all about the secrecy, once you take that away all that you're left with is a trail of deceit and broken families.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Rather than telling the OMW that you have evidence you should just call her up and confirm that the affair is out in the open. My guess is that she's still in the dark about all of this but I could be wrong. Affairs are all about the secrecy, once you take that away all that you're left with is a trail of deceit and broken families.



I read in his emails to her that his wife overhead a voice mail and caught him so I am sure it is out in the open. I don't think she knows the extent because I saw an email yesterday that he said he just told her he was still in contact with my wife. I believe his wife thinks they just met in November and had a fling. That is my dilemma with the evidence I have. I wonder if she is strong enough to read through what I have of 500+ emails over the past 8 months.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I read in his emails to her that his wife overhead a voice mail and caught him so I am sure it is out in the open. I don't think she knows the extent because I saw an email yesterday that he said he just told her he was still in contact with my wife. I believe his wife thinks they just met in November and had a fling. That is my dilemma with the evidence I have. I wonder if she is strong enough to read through what I have of 500+ emails over the past 8 months.


Don't tip your hand till your divorce is over and done with.

You should visit Chump Lady's site. Its good for a BS who's divorcing.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I read in his emails to her that his wife overhead a voice mail and caught him so I am sure it is out in the open. I don't think she knows the extent because I saw an email yesterday that he said he just told her he was still in contact with my wife. I believe his wife thinks they just met in November and had a fling. That is my dilemma with the evidence I have. I wonder if she is strong enough to read through what I have of 500+ emails over the past 8 months.


This is not your problem. You problem is putting an end to this adultery, and giving POSOM's BW the evidence you have is the quickest way to accomplish this.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

3putt said:


> This is not your problem. You problem is putting an end to this adultery, and giving POSOM's BW the evidence you have is the quickest way to accomplish this.


Disagree, his problem is to ensure that the divorce is easy. He can expose later.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Disagree, his problem is to ensure that the divorce is easy. He can expose later.


I must've had him confused with someone that was attempting recovery.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If divorce is the course then I would agree with Bjornfree. If OP is trying to end the affair and save this family then exposure is the best tactic.

Sometimes things like this are just dealbreakers and the betrayed can't get out fast enough, and there ain't nothing wrong with that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get this divorce moving and when your WW comes crawling back then exposure will be a consequences that she will have to face to stay married.

At least in this case!

Since each case is different, and this one appears to be an exit affair then it should be handled as such...versus a WW begging to stay married and submitting to what ever it takes to stay.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Disagree, his problem is to ensure that the divorce is easy. He can expose later.


That is pure selfishness. His job is not to keep his why happily in an affair so he can save money. Thats disgusting. His job is to stop the affair and let the OMW know what is going on so that she knows the truth and can make her own decisions regarding her family. Women are twice as likely to reconcile with a cheating husband as are men.

Keeping this a secret from her is making him an accessory to their "crime". In effect, making him as guilty as them.

OP needs to get in touch OMW as soon as possible and give her enohg information for her to decide how much she wants to know.

Stopping the affair may save his own marriage or at least let her sons regain some respect for their mother.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> If divorce is the course then I would agree with Bjornfree. If OP is trying to end the affair and save this family then exposure is the best tactic.
> 
> Sometimes things like this are just dealbreakers and the betrayed can't get out fast enough, and there ain't nothing wrong with that.


There are two families that need saved.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> Get this divorce moving and when your WW comes crawling back then exposure will be a consequences that she will have to face to stay married.
> 
> At least in this case!
> 
> Since each case is different, and this one appears to be an exit affair then it should be handled as such...versus a WW begging to stay married and submitting to what ever it takes to stay.


Can it be an exit affair if the OM is not divorcing his wife? He's just using her.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Your story sound a lot like mine 29 years HS friend. When I caught my wife she wanted to R never thought about leaving me.

Let that POS's BW see what you have she needs to know. Take care of yourself and focus on the kids. I caught my wife about a week before there weekend but they were together 8 or 9 times. I am sure it would have been more but there was 100 mile distance between them.

Good Luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Can it be an exit affair if the OM is not divorcing his wife? He's just using her.


Good point, maybe a discussion with OMW is needed.

I'm not seeing WW being all in, so thats were I'm coming up with this conclusion that its an exit affair.... 

If Op wants to fight for his marriage, then by all mean expose the affair far and wide. It appears OP has two choices,1) divorce or 2) stay and let her continue with the A.

I understand there are two families at stake, I just don't see this marriage working out, OP is heading for divorce and WW is not making any effort to change her current course.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm not saying he can or even wants to save it, but , how many times does and affair stop on a dime. I am not recommending reconcilliation. That is up to OP and what he can do. Before I came here,I had no idea people could reconcile.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I just hope I am making the right decisions for my boys and I.


If you have doubts why are you making life changing decisions?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Regardless if he wants to save his marriage or not, he still needs to contact OMW to gather intel. It's imperative to let OMW know you are divorcing your wife because of OM. 

You don't need to give specifics, but you do need to expose this. I think OMW needs to know your wife is divorcing you so she can peruse and live happily ever after with OM 

Your WW needs to deal with the consequences of her actions and the destruction it's caused. You are making it too easy on her. IMO.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Socalmarriage:

Is there any chance she has access to your computer in any way? If your sons find this website would they tell her? You have some information on here that would put a stop to your access to her communications if she were to find out. 

I think it's beneficial for you to have the support of TAM. So if there's any chance of her discovering this website you should move this thread to the private members section for more security. If not then all is good. 

I hope you are taking care of yourself. 

Her actions are just so deceitful it's hard to believe she doesn't know the pain she's caused you, your sons, & the OM's family. She's going to go into a deep depression the minute she realizes the devastation she's caused. 

And be sure of this: She will come to that realization unless she is insane. At the moment she is piecing together her perfect world built on the foundation of treachery, betrayal, and deceit. She and OM are seeking external sources of magical and mystical romance through wild sex, secretive trysts, and an 'us against the world' attitude. 

Never realizing that she IS part of the world. That what she had at home, an honorable man, three well raised and successful children, future grandchildren, a decent living, are the real thing. The real world. 

She's going to fall hard. Very hard and it won't take too long. So be prepared for the calls that will begin anywhere in the next six months to two years.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Socalmarriage:
> 
> Is there any chance she has access to your computer in any way? If your sons find this website would they tell her? You have some information on here that would put a stop to your access to her communications if she were to find out.
> 
> ...


From what I have read of the 500+ emails between them, they are deeply in love and there can be no reconciliation for my marriage. He has told his wife they are still seeing each other and has no intention of stopping. They are planning to move to another state together and at this point I am only concerned with what is left of my family's health and well being. I cannot bring myself to do or say anything that will possibly jeopardize my future with my 16 yr old son and the mental health of my two grown sons.

I appreciate ALL of your comments and will take them into consideration moving forward.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

theroad said:


> If you have doubts why are you making life changing decisions?


I don't have any doubts about ending the marriage. I just want to make sure the decisions I am making now will benefit my 16 yr old and I as we move forward through this unbelievably painful process.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> That is pure selfishness. His job is not to keep his why happily in an affair so he can save money. Thats disgusting. His job is to stop the affair and let the OMW know what is going on so that she knows the truth and can make her own decisions regarding her family. Women are twice as likely to reconcile with a cheating husband as are men.
> 
> Keeping this a secret from her is making him an accessory to their "crime". In effect, making him as guilty as them.
> 
> ...


From what I have read of the 500+ emails between them, they are deeply in love and there can be no reconciliation for my marriage. He has told his wife they are still seeing each other and has no intention of stopping. They are planning to move to another state together and at this point I am only concerned with what is left of my family's health and well being. I cannot bring myself to do or say anything that will possibly jeopardize my future with my 16 yr old son and the mental health of my two grown sons.

I appreciate ALL of your comments and will take them into consideration moving forward.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> From what I have read of the 500+ emails between them, they are deeply in love and there can be no reconciliation for my marriage. He has told his wife they are still seeing each other and has no intention of stopping. They are planning to move to another state together and at this point I am only concerned with what is left of my family's health and well being. I cannot bring myself to do or say anything that will possibly jeopardize my future with my 16 yr old son and the mental health of my two grown sons.
> 
> I appreciate ALL of your comments and will take them into consideration moving forward.


Cheaters lie................to everyone including each other. For a man to lie to his AP is more than common. All this stuff he is promising your wife means nothing until he has actually done it. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIS WIFE. The odd are heavy against you hearing the same story from her. She deserves to be in the loop.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW those cheaters that are "deeply in love" have only a three percent chance of having a long term relationship. Only a one in ten chance of it lasting three years. How deep is that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I went a little nuts


Could you please explain what you mean by that? What exactly did you do?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry brother but from were I'm sitting your are not making the dicision to end this marriage you wife is. As far as your sons go, I think they are getting a good examble of how not to be a doormat and how painful infidelity is...a life lesson for sure...painful but a life lesson all the same.

I don't come from a very good part of town, I can't imagine OM feels safe with 3 sons having it out for him?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> He has told his wife they are still seeing each other and has no intention of stopping. They are planning to move to another state together and at this point I am only concerned with what is left of my family's health and well being.


I'm betting there's a 99% chance his BW has NO idea what is going on, that she is in a perfect marriage.

Have you talked to his BW personally to confirm this?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> Ya. Priorities huh? Anyway, the boys are anxious about seeing her and I have told them to be respectful and civil with her. I also told them that there are no rules here and they are free to say or react in anyway they feel. Hoping for a calm day, but to say that emotions are running high is an understatement.


How did this work out?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

3putt said:


> I'm betting there's a 99% chance his BW has NO idea what is going on, that she is in a perfect marriage.
> 
> Have you talked to his BW personally to confirm this?


OP is worried it will screw up his divorce settlement.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like OP is taking the "die out approach" = file for divorce, let the affair turn into a real relationship, fail, and have WW come crawling back months later...

I could be wrong and this is a huge deal breaker and OP is dusting him self off and working on better things to come.

No matter how it goes we all know how phucking painful this sh1t gets and no matter how many of us tell him it gets better in time ....at this point its hard to believe....but my brother, it does get better in time!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut your wife off financially.

No joint credit cards.

No paying for her car insurance or her car payments.

Stop her having any access to your paycheck.

stop putting money in your 401K at work. That way when she goes after 50% of your retirements she'll only get what is in there now.

she's out by her choice. So you need to have the locks changed and your kids instructed not to let her in the house without your there. if she shows up, they call you and wait for you to come home.

next, find the other man's wife and let her know everything you know. 

then post the OM and your wife on cheaterville.com where they both belong.

See if you can get records of money your wife has spent on the affair, trips to see him, phone calls, cell phones, clothes she bought to for him etc. All of this is money you can recover when you split assets.

you're in socal, so while it is 50% split of assets you can go after money she spent on the affair and affair partner, and money she is spending now to have an appartment go on trips etc.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Could you please explain what you mean by that? What exactly did you do?


During our 37 year relations ship of which 30 years we were married, I have never screamed, used the F word or called her names in any way. I was on the receiving end of that behavior many times in full view and earshot of the boys over the years. When she told me in our room that night, I went off verbally. Calling her some pretty nasty names and I made her sleep downstairs. During the following day she kept texting me say she wanted to handle this like adults and I continued my verbal barrage using F Bombs liberally. I feel badly about how I acted but it was 30 years of pent up anger that just spewed forth and I couldn't help myself. Anyway, I am trying to be as civil as I can until I get what I need from her in the settlement. Then I'm thinking of creating a blog to let the world know what she has become after the divorce is final.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Yes do that cheaterville it has very good results find out where he works and out him there also.


What do you mean when you say that cheaterville has very good results?


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Cheaters lie................to everyone including each other. For a man to lie to his AP is more than common. All this stuff he is promising your wife means nothing until he has actually done it. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HIS WIFE. The odd are heavy against you hearing the same story from her. She deserves to be in the loop.


This is an email he sent her the other day. "Once again your common sense comes through. It is not like I loathe my wife but this is a bumpy road we're going to be on. At least we're sleeping in different rooms. I feel sorry for her though. She is who she is and she had to find out the hard way that I don't really like who she is or who we became as a married couple. She is desperate to hold on to our life together though - the one we built here. That is going to be hard to put to sleep for me... Incredibly hard because I know she will be devastated for a while. Oh well, life in the food chain...

We'll talk later on today after you get off. "


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean when you say that cheaterville has very good results?


Referring to somedaydig's results where is x om lost his job as an attorney now he's in sales he put him on cheaterville.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> This is an email he sent her the other day. "Once again your common sense comes through. It is not like I loathe my wife but this is a bumpy road we're going to be on. At least we're sleeping in different rooms. I feel sorry for her though. She is who she is and she had to find out the hard way that I don't really like who she is or who we became as a married couple. She is desperate to hold on to our life together though - the one we built here. That is going to be hard to put to sleep for me... Incredibly hard because I know she will be devastated for a while. Oh well, life in the food chain...
> 
> We'll talk later on today after you get off. "


So it sounds like she still doesn't know and if she knew maybe she could make a more informed decision of what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> I read in his emails to her that his wife overhead a voice mail and caught him so I am sure it is out in the open. I don't think she knows the extent because I saw an email yesterday that he said he just told her he was still in contact with my wife. I believe his wife thinks they just met in November and had a fling. That is my dilemma with the evidence I have. I wonder if she is strong enough to read through what I have of 500+ emails over the past 8 months.


This sounds like he not telling his wife the 'whole' truth, meaning that he's working both ends. Keeping his wife and your wife on the line.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> This is an email he sent her the other day. "Once again your common sense comes through. It is not like I loathe my wife but this is a bumpy road we're going to be on. At least we're sleeping in different rooms. I feel sorry for her though. She is who she is and she had to find out the hard way that I don't really like who she is or who we became as a married couple. She is desperate to hold on to our life together though - the one we built here. That is going to be hard to put to sleep for me... Incredibly hard because I know she will be devastated for a while. Oh well, life in the food chain...
> 
> We'll talk later on today after you get off. "


This doesn't mean he isn't playing your wife. It could be totally, partially or not true at all. Doesn't sound like his wife knows anything is going on.

Contact her asap.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> This doesn't mean he isn't playing your wife. It could be totally, partially or not true at all. Doesn't sound like his wife knows anything is going on.
> 
> Contact her asap.


The day after I found out, I called and left a message explaining what was going on. I got an email from him stating that the reason for my phone call was only to spread the pain. I assume she never got it and I have been trying to find her cell number, but have not had any luck. I need her to convince me she can handle the information I have before I tell her anything.I wouldn't want anyone to do something violent or stupid based on what I say to them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> During our 37 year relations ship of which 30 years we were married, I have never screamed, used the F word or called her names in any way. I was on the receiving end of that behavior many times in full view and earshot of the boys over the years. When she told me in our room that night, I went off verbally. Calling her some pretty nasty names and I made her sleep downstairs. During the following day she kept texting me say she wanted to handle this like adults and I continued my verbal barrage using F Bombs liberally. I feel badly about how I acted but it was 30 years of pent up anger that just spewed forth and I couldn't help myself. Anyway, I am trying to be as civil as I can until I get what I need from her in the settlement. Then I'm thinking of creating a blog to let the world know what she has become after the divorce is final.


Your angry outburst when you found out is not unusual. I would not let that bother you.

But doing things like a blog to let the world know what she did to you.. it will only back fire. Many people who you know will think that you have gone off the deep end. Plus it will be giving her way too much power. To put that much effort into trying to tarnish the name of people who did you wrong makes them the center of your life while you are putting out all that effort.

Also remember that while your children might be upset with their mom for what she did to you and your family, she is still their mother. Any such blog will be a huge embarrassment to your children.

It’s cathartic to think of the things we would do for revenge. But doing them seldom brings the desired effect. Your time would be better spent taking care of your 16 yr old son and getting on with your life. Remember that the best revenge is living well.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> The day after I found out, I called and left a message explaining what was going on. I got an email from him stating that the reason for my phone call was only to spread the pain. I assume she never got it and I have been trying to find her cell number, but have not had any luck. I need her to convince me she can handle the information I have before I tell her anything.I wouldn't want anyone to do something violent or stupid based on what I say to them.


YOU did nothing, this is all on the cheaters shoulders. You are also not giving her the option to make her own decision as to whether or not she wants to save her family or move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> The day after I found out, I called and left a message explaining what was going on. I got an email from him stating that the reason for my phone call was only to spread the pain. I assume she never got it and I have been trying to find her cell number, but have not had any luck. I need her to convince me she can handle the information I have before I tell her anything.I wouldn't want anyone to do something violent or stupid based on what I say to them.


Yep it sounds even more like he's keeping his wife in the dark. And at the same time he's leading your wife on. 

Do you have the funds to hire a PI to find out where she works, if she does? Is there anything in all those emails that indicate where she works?


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your angry outburst when you found out is not unusual. I would not let that bother you.
> 
> But doing things like a blog to let the world know what she did to you.. it will only back fire. Many people who you know will think that you have gone off the deep end. Plus it will be giving her way too much power. To put that much effort into trying to tarnish the name of people who did you wrong makes them the center of your life while you are putting out all that effort.
> 
> ...


Well said. I just threw the blog idea out there. Would never do it. Just want to get on with living, but i'm in such a dark hole right now it feels like an extreme effort just to breath.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Visit her house during the day when the OM is at work.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - When you wife said handle this like adults she meant:

For you to just shut up and let her have her affair without exposure to anyone, or any trouble from you. 

The come back should have been:

Adults, honor their vows and don't cheat. Selfish trash is what cheats. So you've already taken being an adult off the table.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> Well said. I just threw the blog idea out there. Would never do it. Just want to get on with living, but i'm in such a dark hole right now it feels like an extreme effort just to breath.


I've been in that same dark hole. It will take you some time to get out of it. It can take months. Some literature says it take 2-5 years to heal from an affair. Seems about right to me.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Your explosion of anger is something to be expected from a BS but you need to keep as calm as you can. You have kids to set and example for, how to be a man and do the right thing. You need to make sure you do not lose it and end up in jail at some point.

I needed help to get through the first couple of months my anger was over the top.

The blog thing is going to be a bad idea. Exposure to the family is the right thing to do. Also do not worry about the POS's wife. Get her the information you have. You cannot be the judge about her stability and what she can handle.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And even if her lives far away, southwest would get you there and back the same day.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

To say "life in a food chain " when talking about his wife he cheating on and is about to dump !! What a narcissist !! Your wife will get her desserts soon enough!! Just wait and watch.

Have you saved the emails between them ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The day after I found out, I called and left a message explaining what was going on. I got an email from him stating that the reason for my phone call was only to spread the pain. I assume she never got it and I have been trying to find her cell number, but have not had any luck. I need her to convince me she can handle the information I have before I tell her anything.I wouldn't want anyone to do something violent or stupid based on what I say to them.


What abut f*cking another guy's wife ? Is that spreading pleasure ?

What about you ? Would you have preferred to have the information if his wife had the info ? The likelihood of her being violent is not a good reason IMO. It is very unlikely. How did you react when you found out ?


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Visit her house during the day when the OM is at work.


They live 600 miles away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> They live 600 miles away.


Fly Southwest. If you are in socal there are many same day flights you can grab. Go out in the morning and back in the late afternoon.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your that will freak your WW and OM big time. right now he feels safe from you. He's beyond your reach. the thing is he isn't beyond reach at all.

that way they will be dealing with someone who isn't afraid of them, and who will act.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

that would be an unnecessary hassle and expensive... there are many other better alternatives


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I've been in that same dark hole. It will take you some time to get out of it. It can take months. Some literature says it take 2-5 years to heal from an affair. Seems about right to me.


Thanks


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> To say "life in a food chain " when talking about his wife he cheating on and is about to dump !! What a narcissist !! Your wife will get her desserts soon enough!! Just wait and watch.
> 
> Have you saved the emails between them ?


Yes. I put them on an word doc. Also decided to look over her cell records last night. 29 hours of phone time between them from 11/21-12/19.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What abut f*cking another guy's wife ? Is that spreading pleasure ?
> 
> What about you ? Would you have preferred to have the information if his wife had the info ? The likelihood of her being violent is not a good reason IMO. It is very unlikely. How did you react when you found out ?


Good points


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are probably in san diego, or orange county, and her lover is in the bay area---

Stay on top of your timeline for following procedure on your D----you can probably do the whole thing w/out attorneys------the court will make you go thru a mandatory settlement conference---so have everything set, as to property, custody, and child support

You probably are better off not contacting the OW, till your D., is final, if you really want this to go thru---then do NOT ROCK THE BOAT---OW, already knows---and I am willing to bet, your wife's lover is a CS, and will back down, when push actually comes to shove on his end----so in the long run, your so called wife will actually get hit by the karma bus-----as she spends the rest of her life, trying to find a half way decent man, at her age which is probably right around 48 to 50.

Just stick to your guns---your zero tolerance is working for you, and you will find that life will work out for you----even tho the state of Calif, is totally F'ed up---the people in the state are good for the most part, and there are plenty of things to get yourself involved in---just keep your head up


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You are probably in san diego, or orange county, and her lover is in the bay area---
> 
> Stay on top of your timeline for following procedure on your D----you can probably do the whole thing w/out attorneys------the court will make you go thru a mandatory settlement conference---so have everything set, as to property, custody, and child support
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments. I am in Orange County and they are in Trinity County close to the border of Oregon. By the tone of their emails, I'm sure they will make a go of it. I appreciate your advice to stay the course and I am leaning towards waiting until the divorce is final to make any attempt to pass on this info. 

I have to protect what is left of my family and the OW will have to fend for herself. I am sure that sounds selfish and cruel, but I need to focus on what is important to me and although throwing a monkey wrench into his life sounds extremely appealing, I need to focus on what is important to my family.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I highly suspects MOM is a hard core cake eater who will throw your wife under the bus the minute things don't develope his way and consequences are too much for him (financial, children repulse...). MOMs are ussualy more goal oriented while WWs are more emotional driven.
You wife will be very soon "life in a food chain" or permanent mistress. He won't leave her wife. He will treat your wife as cake, he's already telling her it will take time and effort before he can't get rif of her wife for good while you and your DD16 have been already slaughtered in the altar of the soulmates love.
It's a shame BW is in the dark and being set up.

What's the plan of your wife, to move away from DD16? Sporadic visits?


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I highly suspects MOM is a hard core cake eater who will throw your wife under the bus the minute things don't develope his way and consequences are too much for him (financial, children repulse...). MOMs are ussualy more goal oriented while WWs are more emotional driven.
> You wife will be very soon "life in a food chain" or permanent mistress. He won't leave her wife. He will treat your wife as cake, he's already telling her it will take time and effort before he can't get rif of her wife for good while you and your DD16 have been already slaughtered in the altar of the soulmates love.
> It's a shame BW is in the dark and being set up.
> 
> What's the plan of your wife, to move away from DD16? Sporadic visits?


I'm sorry but I am new to this. Can you please explain what a MOM is and the other acronyms as well for me? As far as I can tell, their plans are to move in together in another state. He has asked her to marry him in one of their emails. I'm sure his wife doesn't know the whole picture like I do and I am really torn about what to do about that. One minute I am protecting my own and the next I want to tell her everything to make his life as miserable as possible. At this point, he is in control of their collapsing marriage. I won't make a move until I am confident it is the right one not only for me but the OW as well.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I'm sorry but I am new to this. Can you please explain what a MOM is and the other acronyms as well for me?


MOM = Married other man
DD16 = 16-year-old Darling Daughter


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a tough decision (telling the MOMW -"married other man's wife").

He will likely dump your wife sending her back to you. When you won't take her back the divorce will be a battle and because you are in Calif you will lose big. 

Courts don't give a dammn about cheating. The length of time you've been married will be used against you. It's not fair but...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> Thank you for your comments. I am in Orange County and they are in Trinity County close to the border of Oregon. By the tone of their emails, I'm sure they will make a go of it. I appreciate your advice to stay the course and I am leaning towards waiting until the divorce is final to make any attempt to pass on this info.
> 
> I have to protect what is left of my family and the OW will have to fend for herself.* I am sure that sounds selfish and cruel, but I need to focus on what is important to me and although throwing a monkey wrench into his life sounds extremely appealing, I need to focus on what is important to my family.*


I guess we are already too late and the "karma bus" has already arrived for you. Good luck with that.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> It's a tough decision (telling the MOMW -"married other man's wife").
> 
> He will likely dump your wife sending her back to you. When you won't take her back the divorce will be a battle and because you are in Calif you will lose big.
> 
> Courts don't give a dammn about cheating. The length of time you've been married will be used against you. It's not fair but...


I agree that length of marriage is the key factor that the courts will look at. By reading their correspondence, I can't see how he would dump her. He has told his wife what they are doing together and also told her he was not going to stop seeing my wife, (I know this is all according to what he is telling my wife). They are planning to spend another weekend together at the end of January. Maybe I will try to contact the OW during that weekend. I just want to get us moved into our respective apartments and look ahead to finishing out this divorce as quickly as I can.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a wonder you're able to function at all much less exercise thoughtful judgement. Stay focused on your boy. Get plenty of exercise, vitamins, and a healthy diet. 

Does her family support her poor decision-making?
Are your boys in touch with their grandparents on her side & her other relatives?

Cheaters don't realize (or don't care) who gets hurt as long as their selfishness is satisfied. 

Keep showing your boys how a real man and father acts during the hardest times in life. They are learning a valuable lesson.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> I agree that length of marriage is the key factor that the courts will look at. By reading their correspondence, I can't see how he would dump her. He has told his wife what they are doing together and also told her he was not going to stop seeing my wife, (I know this is all according to what he is telling my wife). They are planning to spend another weekend together at the end of January. Maybe I will try to contact the OW during that weekend. I just want to get us moved into our respective apartments and look ahead to finishing out this divorce as quickly as I can.


Are you a man?

OM will say and do almost anything to get into a girls pants, and will keep on to keep getting into her pants.

The point is you can not believe what the OM is telling your WW about living happily ever after.

His BW does not know what is going on. Refusing to tell the OMW is wrong, even if you want to divorce WW.

WW's play nice up to finalizing the divorce to get the BH to roll over. As soon as the BH refuses to get riped off the WW gets the hair's up on her back an then lawyers up.

And the courts don't care how many OM a WW banged or how many times come divorce time.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

theroad said:


> Are you a man?
> 
> OM will say and do almost anything to get into a girls pants, and will keep on to keep getting into her pants.
> 
> ...


Please explain the advantage I will get by telling the OW what I know? The fact is I would never consider reconciling with a person who is capable of doing what she has to me and my boys. From where I am looking right now, there are many more cons to that course of action than pros to my position. The most of which will be getting cut off from the steady stream of information I get from their email exchanges. As far as being a man in this situation I am trying my hardest to keep emotion out of my decision making and do what is best for my 16yr old son's future. Of course I want to take a baseball bat to the jerk who has caused so much pain, but that wouldn't prove anything except that I have lowered myself to his level of thinking.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lowered myself does not equal standing up for myself and what is right.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You can tell the OMW(his wife) what you know without revealing your evidence(things like how long the affair was going on and that it was already physical). You can send her the conversations when your divorce is complete


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> Please explain the advantage I will get by telling the OW what I know? The fact is I would never consider reconciling with a person who is capable of doing what she has to me and my boys. From where I am looking right now, there are many more cons to that course of action than pros to my position. The most of which will be getting cut off from the steady stream of information I get from their email exchanges. As far as being a man in this situation I am trying my hardest to keep emotion out of my decision making and do what is best for my 16yr old son's future. Of course I want to take a baseball bat to the jerk who has caused so much pain, but that wouldn't prove anything except that I have lowered myself to his level of thinking.


Dear socalmarriage,

Having read this thread, and especially in light of what your WW has and is doing, I think you would be fully justified if you were to end your marriage. I'm not sure, however, that this is what you really want to do.

What confuses me is that in none of your posts do you mention actually doing anything to initiate divorce proceedings. Have you spoken to an attorney yet. If not, why?

You keep saying you want to make sure you are doing the right thing for your children. That is admirable but, in truth, we never know if what we are doing is the right thing or not. We only learn that over time.

My suggestion to you is to focus on fixing yourself first. What you are going through is soul wrenching. It will take years for you to fully recover from it and you will not be the same person when you have recovered.

If your mind is made up about getting divorce, start the process (you can always stop it if things change). A lot of the advice from other commenters would be appropriate if you were undecided about this or wanted to try to reconcile with your WW. Assuming this not being the case, you are fee to ignore it.

If for some reason you cannot bring yourself to do this, then reconsider what you really want.

Most importantly, do what is best for you. If you do, your children will eventually understand and be better off for it.

Hoping things work out for you and your family.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear socalmarriage,
> 
> Having read this thread, and especially in light of what your WW has and is doing, I think you would be fully justified if you were to end your marriage. I'm not sure, however, that this is what you really want to do.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments. I filed for divorce two days after my wife told me what she was doing, (two weeks ago). Soul wrenching is an accurate description of what I am going through. Thank you for your support.


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## socalmarriage (Dec 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You can tell the OMW(his wife) what you know without revealing your evidence(things like how long the affair was going on and that it was already physical). You can send her the conversations when your divorce is complete


That sounds more like my speed. Thanks.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> Please explain the advantage I will get by telling the OW what I know? The fact is I would never consider reconciling with a person who is capable of doing what she has to me and my boys. From where I am looking right now, there are many more cons to that course of action than pros to my position. The most of which will be getting cut off from the steady stream of information I get from their email exchanges. As far as being a man in this situation I am trying my hardest to keep emotion out of my decision making and do what is best for my 16yr old son's future. Of course I want to take a baseball bat to the jerk who has caused so much pain, but that wouldn't prove anything except that I have lowered myself to his level of thinking.


The OMW is innocent in this and without being warned she can not take action to protect herself and her marriage.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Friend, 
I am so sorry you are here.

I was hoping as I neared this point in the thread that someone would have suggested what Warlock has.

Just tell omw about the letter, whatever your wife has admitted, and about the time frame they consummated the afair, Im sure she will confirm that posom was away.

Then tell her that you suspect they are going to meet up in AZ in Jan. When your wife is gone.
However you can word that so it comports with the facts without tipping your hand.

If you can, tell from the things your wife has said, i.e. its not over and they are going to be together.

Let your wife deal with denying it.

I have read the thread but Im not clear what is out in the open or not, but it sounds like there is enough to let omw know what is going on.

Tell her you are divorcing and your wife will be comming after her husband.

Give her the rest after divorce.

Also read (your sons should read someday too)
The book a Married Mans Sex Life. (MMSL)
The title is misleading, its not a sex manual.

Its about staying attractive to a woman and keeping her interest.

Btw, this is not to say you did anything wrong, I was a domesticated nice guy for years.

That has nothing to do with the fact your wife cheated, that is on her.
But this will help you in your future, and help ease you back into relationships.

I wish you well!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

socalmarriage said:


> Please explain the advantage I will get by telling the OW what I know? The fact is I would never consider reconciling with a person who is capable of doing what she has to me and my boys. From where I am looking right now, there are many more cons to that course of action than pros to my position. The most of which will be getting cut off from the steady stream of information I get from their email exchanges.


I don't see anything wrong with that, provided that's what you're really doing. If you've come to the conclusion that you can't reconcile and you're keeping your hand face-down, so that you can gather enough damning information to make the separation go your way (financially and in terms of custody) that's one thing. Just be very wary. I've had friends that have been in your situation, gathering intel, and they contract a strange sort of Stockholm syndrome and they start having second thoughts.



socalmarriage said:


> As far as being a man in this situation I am trying my hardest to keep emotion out of my decision making and do what is best for my 16yr old son's future. Of course I want to take a baseball bat to the jerk who has caused so much pain, but that wouldn't prove anything except that I have lowered myself to his level of thinking.


This crap is the sort of feminist thinking that has emasculated the men of western society this last half-century. As though standing up for yourself, in this case kicking the ass the man that has dared to defile your home and destroy your marriage, is somehow brutish or troglodytic. Lowering yourself to his level would be seducing his wife and throwing his family into abject turmoil. Beating the mortal **** out of him with a sap would be showing him that actions have very real and very lasting consequences. Men of such character don't understand or learn from anything else.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"Then start exposing her affair and what happened to close friends and family. First to your kids(in appropriate terms) and then to her family."

Can't disagree more. 

1. Good parents put their children first. They will have enough stress already from the divorce and you don't want to increase it. Want to make her feel bad, tell her, look honey what you do is your business, but we should tell the children and minimize the stress and disruption to them. 

2. I do not know how much money you have but it will not be enough for a nasty court battle. Your lawyer will listen to long stories of infidelity, file motions, battle, as long as the money spigot is flowing. Then you can tell your Junior son if he is smart, Sorry but Boston College or Notre Dame are too expensive, I spent your college fund because I was mad at your mother. 

I certainly agree it was nasty and dishonest the way she did things. If she brings the same qualities to the second relationship/marriage, that may not work out either. 

Your best revenge will be putting your children first, carrying yourself with dignity, and if she comes packing her bags looking to come back, you simply say, it's too late, sorry.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> I don't see anything wrong with that, provided that's what you're really doing. If you've come to the conclusion that you can't reconcile and you're keeping your hand face-down, so that you can gather enough damning information to make the separation go your way (financially and in terms of custody) that's one thing. Just be very wary. I've had friends that have been in your situation, gathering intel, and they contract a strange sort of Stockholm syndrome and they start having second thoughts.
> 
> 
> 
> This crap is the sort of feminist thinking that has emasculated the men of western society this last half-century. As though standing up for yourself, in this case kicking the ass the man that has dared to defile your home and destroy your marriage, is somehow brutish or troglodytic. Lowering yourself to his level would be seducing his wife and throwing his family into abject turmoil. Beating the mortal **** out of him with a sap would be showing him that actions have very real and very lasting consequences. Men of such character don't understand or learn from anything else.


And you widget flamed here for pointing it out. Haha But they can't understand why their women are attracted to some dude that takes what they want. Which is someone else's.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> "Then start exposing her affair and what happened to close friends and family. First to your kids(in appropriate terms) and then to her family."
> 
> Can't disagree more.
> 
> ...


That's revenge? That sounds like turning tail and slinking off like a whipped dog to some men . Fyi that's the kind of behavior that gets one here.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

chapparal said:


> And you widget flamed here for pointing it out. Haha But they can't understand why their women are attracted to some dude that takes what they want. Which is someone else's.


Flamed for what? Common sense?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw Good parents do not put their children first. They put each other first. It says so in the Bible.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JMGrey said:


> Flamed for what? Common sense?


Well duh


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Knowing the conservatism of orange county, and the situation as it is in calif----when your D., is over you file in the "OC", against her lover for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----you file a suit in your name for a quarter of a million dollars, and you file a suit in your sons name for the same amount.

Her lover is gonna have to answer w/in a month, and he is either gonna have to come to the "OC" to file, or hire an atty. to do so, then he is gonna have to come all the way to the "OC" to fight the suit---this is gonna cost him a LOT OF MONEY, either way,----you have him by the you know whats, and you can squeeze as tight as you want-------

Also I do not see your wife doing real well in a small town up by the oregon border, when she has been used to the lifestyle she has been living in the "OC"-------give her 6 months and she will be going nuts with cabin fever

You can watch from the sideline, as she comes apart at the seams, and he slowly gets dragged under trying to defend a lawsuit he will absolutely lose---especially in the very conservative "OC".


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> "Then start exposing her affair and what happened to close friends and family. First to your kids(in appropriate terms) and then to her family."
> 
> Can't disagree more.
> 
> ...



His kids are not actually kids. The youngest one is 16. The rest of them are in their 20's.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Knowing the conservatism of orange county, and the situation as it is in calif----when your D., is over you file in the "OC", against her lover for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----you file a suit in your name for a quarter of a million dollars, and you file a suit in your sons name for the same amount.
> 
> Her lover is gonna have to answer w/in a month, and he is either gonna have to come to the "OC" to file, or hire an atty. to do so, then he is gonna have to come all the way to the "OC" to fight the suit---this is gonna cost him a LOT OF MONEY, either way,----you have him by the you know whats, and you can squeeze as tight as you want-------
> 
> ...


God jnj you're good thanks. I know cal is different with the napoleaonic law but good info!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Knowing the conservatism of orange county, and the situation as it is in calif----when your D., is over you file in the "OC", against her lover for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-----you file a suit in your name for a quarter of a million dollars, and you file a suit in your sons name for the same amount.
> 
> Her lover is gonna have to answer w/in a month, and he is either gonna have to come to the "OC" to file, or hire an atty. to do so, then he is gonna have to come all the way to the "OC" to fight the suit---this is gonna cost him a LOT OF MONEY, either way,----you have him by the you know whats, and you can squeeze as tight as you want-------
> 
> ...


The OP will also be paying an attorney, so it will cost him bucket loads of money to do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

socalmarriage said:


> I agree that length of marriage is the key factor that the courts will look at. By reading their correspondence, I can't see how he would dump her. He has told his wife what they are doing together and also told her he was not going to stop seeing my wife, (I know this is all according to what he is telling my wife). They are planning to spend another weekend together at the end of January. Maybe I will try to contact the *OW *during that weekend. I just want to get us moved into our respective apartments and look ahead to finishing out this divorce as quickly as I can.


OW = other woman... meaning a woman who is an affair partner.

I think that here you mean to say the OMW. OMW = other man's wife.

I doubt that he has told his wife what is going on. If he had told her, he would not object to you talking to her. He's feeding your wife a line to make her feel special.

The main reason for telling the OMW at this point would be to save your marriage. See this is what you would do if you wanted to reconcile. Why? Because the OM is lying to your wife. He’s obviously not telling his wife what is really going on. If his wife knew what was really going on he would be so busy trying to save his marriage that he would dump your wife like a hot potato. She would then learn that she has been used by the OM.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't think he should tell his wife just to reconcile. This man is lying to his SO. Lying to OP's wife is no big deal either. Catching him red handed will be worth in itself whether he reconcile or not..


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