# Just Feeling Down Today



## nice777guy

Work has been incredibly stressful the last week. Not that my STBXW was really that great of a listener - but still - I miss having someone around who was at least kind of "obligated" to listen to me vent or listen when I felt down. Or even NOTICE that I was feeling down.

Still pi$$es me off sometimes that she did this to us. I don't think she's real happy with things either - I think she's finding out that the grass actually was not indeed greener.

But still - knowing that she hurts doesn't exactly help me feel better.

And no - I'm not planning to reach out to her - not longing for "her" - just for "someone."

Was chuckling to myself this morning about something kind of silly. "How I long to hear those magic words...'Stop picking at that or it will get infected!'" Just not having someone to kind of look out for you.

There's a lot of things that a spouse does that would not be expected of a really good friend.

Anyway - thanks for listening.


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## GreenEyes

What kind of work do you do??? I'm at least lucky that when I have a stressful day at work, all of us can sit and vent to each other while we are working, although we usually vent in a lighthearted way because we all really love our jobs....

I need to read about what exactly happened between you and your wife because I don't know if I had or not...It just blows my mind when people cheat, EA or PA, doesn't matter. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will....my feelings are if you feel the need to go outside your marriage for your needs, whether they be emotional, physical, why don't you just do the other person a favor and get a divorce before it's shoved in their face that you cheated....unless of course the BS doesn't care and wants to still continue with the marriage....I just feel like we only get one life, I for one want to spend that one life with someone who will love me and _want_ to stay committed to me...


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## proudwidaddy

@Nice I feel your pain today. I'm going through the divorce process, roughly 32 days in. Wife gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. Last night she texted me to tell me that my son (8) was sick with the flu, but thankfully my daughter (5) did not get hit. It hit me hard because he is a daddy's boy, and I wasn't there to hold him. Plus I came down with a nasty sinus infection so I wasn't able to sleep at all. I did get to go over and give him a big hug before work this morning, that felt good for the both of us. It's just hard to believe that this is happening. I have 11 years of memories that seem to always flood my mind.


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## nice777guy

GreenEyes said:


> What kind of work do you do??? I'm at least lucky that when I have a stressful day at work, all of us can sit and vent to each other while we are working, although we usually vent in a lighthearted way because we all really love our jobs....
> 
> I need to read about what exactly happened between you and your wife because I don't know if I had or not...It just blows my mind when people cheat, EA or PA, doesn't matter. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will....my feelings are if you feel the need to go outside your marriage for your needs, whether they be emotional, physical, why don't you just do the other person a favor and get a divorce before it's shoved in their face that you cheated....unless of course the BS doesn't care and wants to still continue with the marriage....I just feel like we only get one life, I for one want to spend that one life with someone who will love me and _want_ to stay committed to me...


Right now at work everyone is stressed. We do bounce things off each other a bit - but we're also starting to get a little testy with one another as well.

Wife had a series of EAs and cyber-affairs over the last 2-3 years. She would stop - or hide things better - from time to time - make me believe that things would be OK again. But then something else would always pop back up. Seemed like she wanted to be single again.

Like I said - I don't miss "her" - but the idea of a relationship that I'd worked with her to build for 17 years. I don't understand how you give that up so easily. Although I know it was over.

Thanks.


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## nice777guy

proudwidaddy said:


> @Nice I feel your pain today. I'm going through the divorce process, roughly 32 days in. Wife gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. Last night she texted me to tell me that my son (8) was sick with the flu, but thankfully my daughter (5) did not get hit. It hit me hard because he is a daddy's boy, and I wasn't there to hold him. Plus I came down with a nasty sinus infection so I wasn't able to sleep at all. I did get to go over and give him a big hug before work this morning, that felt good for the both of us. It's just hard to believe that this is happening. I have 11 years of memories that seem to always flood my mind.


I've fought to have my kids basically half the time. Its complicated though - because I work. She doesn't work due to health issues - so she's "with" them more than I am - after school everyday and during breaks/summer - but I have more overnights. Hard to see them split between homes - even though I think things are getting better for them. Was way too much tension when we were under the same roof.

My mind mostly focuses on what "should" have been. The memories are nice - but she's also done a lot of damage over the last 2 years.


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## Shooboomafoo

Hey Niceguy...
Hope that lull blows over fast.
Feelin that way too.


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## nice777guy

*Dean* said:


> Only been on here a few months but most of the time, your upbeat,
> positive and may write something funny.
> 
> Going for a run always helps me when I'm having a bad day


Most days, I feel pretty good about things. I think its more related to "other" stress - job stress - and not having that special someone to talk to.


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## GreenEyes

nice777guy said:


> Right now at work everyone is stressed. We do bounce things off each other a bit - but we're also starting to get a little testy with one another as well.
> 
> Wife had a series of EAs and cyber-affairs over the last 2-3 years. She would stop - or hide things better - from time to time - make me believe that things would be OK again. But then something else would always pop back up. Seemed like she wanted to be single again.
> 
> Like I said - I don't miss "her" - but the idea of a relationship that I'd worked with her to build for 17 years. I don't understand how you give that up so easily. Although I know it was over.
> 
> Thanks.


That's what I'm scared of, that my H says he won't do it ever again, but maybe he'll just hide it better next time...I'm afraid of never finding out, or finding out after I've wasted most of my life on him.....That's my biggest fear as far as my personal life goes, that I will find out after having spent most of my life with him that it was all just a big joke.....

You should just call up a friend, go and hang out, do whatever you do for fun, and just check out mentally for the day....sometimes we all need that....


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## Shooboomafoo

In the past, in an effort to connect with my wife, above and beyond her discussing her own self, I had hit a rough patch in job, finances, our marriage. I was in a depression and needed to talk to her, to get her to understand where I was coming from, and why I was the way I was at the time.
I found that she was about as deep as a wet tissue.
Instead of discussing things like adults, possibly figuring ways to make things better, or at least, stop the bleeding, all I got was superficial garbage. There was no understanding partner or committed soulmate. Just a little sympathy from the closest person to me perhaps? Naw.. 
I hated that. I hated the lack of being able to discuss things like that and cooperate. 
My special someone turned out to be unworthy.


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## Sparkles422

shoo: I understand completely when the office closed, I was out of a job and I had no idea what to do. Instead of discussion, he pulled away further and ended up in an EA. The one time I really needed him, he was not there, although I had been there each and every time for him. Read that and reality sinks in, better now than more years of later.

nice777: rollercoaster.


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## nice777guy

GreenEyes said:


> That's what I'm scared of, that my H says he won't do it ever again, but maybe he'll just hide it better next time...I'm afraid of never finding out, or finding out after I've wasted most of my life on him.....That's my biggest fear as far as my personal life goes, that I will find out after having spent most of my life with him that it was all just a big joke.....
> 
> You should just call up a friend, go and hang out, do whatever you do for fun, and just check out mentally for the day....sometimes we all need that....


That's part of my problem. I gave so much of my time and myself to my wife - and continue to do so with my kids - I don't really have any "good friends." And a lot of my friends are - of course - married.

We had a pretty good 15 years - was just the last two to three that stunk. Funny - I don't think she ever lied to me about antything important. Then suddenly - feels like everything she says is a lie - even now that so much of doesn't even matter.


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## nice777guy

Shooboomafoo said:


> In the past, in an effort to connect with my wife, above and beyond her discussing her own self, I had hit a rough patch in job, finances, our marriage. I was in a depression and needed to talk to her, to get her to understand where I was coming from, and why I was the way I was at the time.
> I found that she was about as deep as a wet tissue.
> Instead of discussing things like adults, possibly figuring ways to make things better, or at least, stop the bleeding, all I got was superficial garbage. There was no understanding partner or committed soulmate. Just a little sympathy from the closest person to me perhaps? Naw..
> I hated that. I hated the lack of being able to discuss things like that and cooperate.
> My special someone turned out to be unworthy.


My wife had health problems. Amazing how often our discussions were completely about her. BUT - as the sole breadwinner - she at least understood the importance of my job.

Still - kind of like you're saying - some people really aren't worthy.

As much as anything - just missing the "idea" that I have a mate - a partner.

Hang in there Shoo...doesn't sound like you really lost much of a friend!


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## nice777guy

Sparkles422 said:


> shoo: I understand completely when the office closed, I was out of a job and I had no idea what to do. Instead of discussion, he pulled away further and ended up in an EA. The one time I really needed him, he was not there, although I had been there each and every time for him. Read that and reality sinks in, better now than more years of later.
> 
> nice777: rollercoaster.


When my wife started having health problems, I was totally there for her and supportive. That's another thing that makes me mad when I think about it. I helped get her through a lot of hard times - a lot of self created drama really - while I've been fairly steady over the years.


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## GreenEyes

nice777guy said:


> That's part of my problem. I gave so much of my time and myself to my wife - and continue to do so with my kids - I don't really have any "good friends." And a lot of my friends are - of course - married.
> 
> We had a pretty good 15 years - was just the last two to three that stunk. Funny - I don't think she ever lied to me about antything important. Then suddenly - feels like everything she says is a lie - even now that so much of doesn't even matter.


I hear you, I was looking for a friend to hang out with over the weekend and come to find out I really don't have many haha


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## kenn

An affair is like an ATOMIC BOMB. It destroys everything around and whatever is left, will die also. And then their are the after effects of it also.


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## goincrazy

GreenEyes said:


> I hear you, I was looking for a friend to hang out with over the weekend and come to find out I really don't have many haha


I feel ya!!!! I came to this state because my ex is from here. He never wanted to go out or do anything, so we didn't have many friends. I met people through work and school and that's it (most of them are married). Now I'm stuck here because I can't find a job closer to my family. Someone suggested meetup.com, and I joined a couple of groups. There are groups for almost anything that you are interested in. I would suggest that you take a look at that website.


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## nice777guy

goincrazy said:


> I feel ya!!!! I came to this state because my ex is from here. He never wanted to go out or do anything, so we didn't have many friends. I met people through work and school and that's it (most of them are married). Now I'm stuck here because I can't find a job closer to my family. Someone suggested meetup.com, and I joined a couple of groups. There are groups for almost anything that you are interested in. I would suggest that you take a look at that website.


I have looked there (meetup) - but only found a few political group meetings - and for the wrong party as well.

Its just funny too - reading about other people dating - wondering where they are even MEETING people. Not to mention the awkward "hey - I was wondering...if you aren't doing anything this Friday...if you might like to..." kind of stuff.


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## Conrad

nice777guy said:


> When my wife started having health problems, I was totally there for her and supportive. That's another thing that makes me mad when I think about it. I helped get her through a lot of hard times - a lot of self created drama really - while I've been fairly steady over the years.


NG,

All you really wanted was for her to be nice to you.


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## nice777guy

Conrad said:


> NG,
> 
> All you really wanted was for her to be nice to you.


No - not that simple. I wanted her to get better. Wanted our lives to get better again.

This is a girl / woman who caught my attention the first time I laid eyes on her.

During the 4 years I was in High School, there were two girls that cast a major spell over me. And the other girl was a distant second to my eventual Wife (and now eventual STBXW).

It wasn't all "Nice Guy" syndrome. There was love, lust, fear - all of it. The light and dark sides.

Not sure where you were headed with that comment - but 17 years of marriage and 21 years of close friendship can't be so easily wrapped up in such a few simple words.


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## spudster

> Not sure where you were headed with that comment - but 17 years of marriage and 21 years of close friendship can't be so easily wrapped up in such a few simple words


Sure it can. Simple: she is not the woman you_ thought _you knew.


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## Conrad

Since you're wound up with this today, why not spill it?

What would not have improved for you had she not been more considerate and nice?


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## nice777guy

spudster said:


> Sure it can. Simple: she is not the woman you_ thought _you knew.


Actually - I think - she changed. As people are prone to do. 

Even the more raw attraction that used to be there - and was still there just a few years ago - is gone.

Lying was the biggest change.

She didn't lie for the first 14-15 years of our "relationship." Then it was like a switch flipped and lying become normal. Hard to look past something that basic and important.


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## nice777guy

Conrad said:


> Since you're wound up with this today, why not spill it?
> 
> What would not have improved for you had she not been more considerate and nice?


Well - was actually wound up with it yesterday. And it has less and less to do with "her" - more to do with the general feeling of being alone.

She generally WAS considerate and nice. 

But she had a tendency to blow things up when they started going well. I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.

When my mother passed away - my wife stepped up. That - and the EAs and other during the last two-three years - have been the hardest times in my life. So - one of those times I was glad to have her as my partner. The other time - she was largely responsible for the pain and drama.

I don't miss her. In part because I still see her too much! But its short and brief - not emotional.

But I still picture the damned porch and the TWO rocking chairs - and now one is empty. Makes me a bit sad - scares me a bit - and can pi$$ me off too.


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## 2sick

nice777guy said:


> Well - was actually wound up with it yesterday. And it has less and less to do with "her" - more to do with the general feeling of being alone.
> 
> She generally WAS considerate and nice.
> 
> But she had a tendency to blow things up when they started going well. I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.
> 
> When my mother passed away - my wife stepped up. That - and the EAs and other during the last two-three years - have been the hardest times in my life. So - one of those times I was glad to have her as my partner. The other time - she was largely responsible for the pain and drama.
> 
> I don't miss her. In part because I still see her too much! But its short and brief - not emotional.
> 
> But I still picture the damned porch and the TWO rocking chairs - and now one is empty. Makes me a bit sad - scares me a bit - and can pi$$ me off too.


Hey Nice guy! I hear you. It's not that you would get back with her, it's that you miss the idea of the companionship. The Ideal concept of what a marriage should be.. and may have been at one time. I completely understand it...my h is still here but the true partnership is missing. I know it hurts when someone you have given your all to (and sometimes even more) just doesn't return the favor But hey you are a good guy and I'm sure you will find that person who WANTS to share with you and will support you like you support them. Until then you always have us to banter with!!!

You could always blog ya know...or even start journaling!!!

Hang in there!!


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## spudster

> I become more convinced every day that she has "some" bi-polar tendencies. Long-term/long-ranged cycling.


If it is bi-polar, then it is self-inflicted. I for one believe people can indeed drive themselves insane. In your wife's case, it has been a war between the truth within her soul and the lies she was telling herself to overcome the guilt she was feeling for decieveing you and everyone in her life. She was constantly rewriting her own history, piling lie upon lie, until the truth center in her soul finally rotted away. There is nothing there anymore. An empty void surrounded by an onion shell of lies and self-delusion.


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## nice777guy

spudster said:


> If it is bi-polar, then it is self-inflicted. I for one believe people can indeed drive themselves insane. In your wife's case, it has been a war between the truth within her soul and the lies she was telling herself to overcome the guilt she was feeling for decieveing you and everyone in her life. She was constantly rewriting her own history, piling lie upon lie, until the truth center in her soul finally rotted away. There is nothing there anymore. An empty void surrounded by an onion shell of lies and self-delusion.


At one point - years ago - she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II and placed on a ****tail of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and mood stablizers.

At the time she was seeking treatment, I "thought" we agreed that she has this habit of blowing things up every 2 to 4 years. But then recently, she can't recall those conversations. And she accuses me of only saying such things out of meanness.

She thinks that because she still takes the meds that were prescribed 5 years ago, there simply CAN'T be a mental health problem. Nevermind that she's added other medications over the years - and her body has started going through "changes" - as is normal for her age.

My biggest issue with her now is how to best handle things with the kids.


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## spudster

> At one point - years ago - she was diagnosed as Bi-Polar II and placed on a ****tail of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and mood stablizers.
> 
> At the time she was seeking treatment, I "thought" we agreed that she has this habit of blowing things up every 2 to 4 years. But then recently, she can't recall those conversations. And she accuses me of only saying such things out of meanness.
> 
> She thinks that because she still takes the meds that were prescribed 5 years ago, there simply CAN'T be a mental health problem. Nevermind that she's added other medications over the years - and her body has started going through "changes" - as is normal for her age.
> 
> My biggest issue with her now is how to best handle things with the kids.


Then she is broken. She is damaged goods, and at some point you need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of what is your one shot on earth taking care of a broken vessel.

I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and make arrangements to move on. From where I stand, you have little chance of ever having a content and fulfilled life with this woman.


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## nice777guy

spudster said:


> Then she is broken. She is damaged goods, and at some point you need to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of what is your one shot on earth taking care of a broken vessel.
> 
> I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids and make arrangements to move on. From where I stand, you have little chance of ever having a content and fulfilled life with this woman.


We are divorcing. So - basically - yes - I'm doing this.

Thanks.


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## goincrazy

nice777guy said:


> I have looked there (meetup) - but only found a few political group meetings - and for the wrong party as well.
> 
> Its just funny too - reading about other people dating - wondering where they are even MEETING people. Not to mention the awkward "hey - I was wondering...if you aren't doing anything this Friday...if you might like to..." kind of stuff.


Maybe look at other interests then. There are groups of people who just go out to dinner together. Other groups go hiking, play kickball, do happy hour together, book clubs, etc. I finally went to my first meetup a couple of weeks ago. It's a singles group for people in their 20's-30's. It was awkward to say the least...driving to a place by myself, going in to find these people, and then sitting and having dinner like they're my pals. I made myself do it because I can't keep sitting in my apartment. It's too lonely and depressing. I'm glad I did it, and I've joined a couple of other groups as well. Haven't gone to any other meetups yet, but I'm going to keep trying.


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## nice777guy

goincrazy said:


> Maybe look at other interests then. There are groups of people who just go out to dinner together. Other groups go hiking, play kickball, do happy hour together, book clubs, etc. I finally went to my first meetup a couple of weeks ago. It's a singles group for people in their 20's-30's. It was awkward to say the least...driving to a place by myself, going in to find these people, and then sitting and having dinner like they're my pals. I made myself do it because I can't keep sitting in my apartment. It's too lonely and depressing. I'm glad I did it, and I've joined a couple of other groups as well. Haven't gone to any other meetups yet, but I'm going to keep trying.


Literally - all I saw on meetup were political groups. Guess it hasnt caught on here in my mid-sized midwest town.

The church I sometimes attend...the one divorced woman my age will hardly talk to me!!!

Is it wrong to move to a bigger church for "social" reasons?!?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goincrazy

nice777guy said:


> Literally - all I saw on meetup were political groups. Guess it hasnt caught on here in my mid-sized midwest town.
> 
> The church I sometimes attend...the one divorced woman my age will hardly talk to me!!!
> 
> Is it wrong to move to a bigger church for "social" reasons?!?!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! There are meetup groups here for just about everything you can imagine!! I would think that there would at least be a group for people who are divorced or who just like to go out to dinner. Maybe join a gym and go to a bigger church on the side. I'm thinking about trying to get a job at a bigger hospital so that I can meet more men. lol.


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## nice777guy

goincrazy said:


> Wow! There are meetup groups here for just about everything you can imagine!! I would think that there would at least be a group for people who are divorced or who just like to go out to dinner. Maybe join a gym and go to a bigger church on the side. I'm thinking about trying to get a job at a bigger hospital so that I can meet more men. lol.


My oldest daughter has actually asked that we find a bigger church - one with more than 2 other people in it's youth group!

Guess there's nothing stopping me from putting my own group out on meetup - is there?


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## proudwidaddy

I'm actually feeling horribly down today. Had the kids spend the night last night, which was amazing. Now I'm depressed after dropping them off. I'm going through the divorce process, wife said she loves me but doesn't love me. I'm slowly getting over her, but what has me down is my current living situation. I went from a beautiful house to renting a room out of a college house. Come June I get to move in with my best friend who is also going through this. That will help. I just feel that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel like I went from having this great life that we worked hard for the last 11 years, to now thinking I will never get any better. I hate the rollercoaster.


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## notreadytoquit

nice777guy said:


> My oldest daughter has actually asked that we find a bigger church - one with more than 2 other people in it's youth group!
> 
> Guess there's nothing stopping me from putting my own group out on meetup - is there?


When you search around your aread did you put a larger distance or did you limit yourself to your own specific zip code? Are there any groups that interest you that are maybe an hour or so away from you?. 

You can always start your own single parents group as well. I am sure you are not the only parent like that in your area.


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## nice777guy

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm actually feeling horribly down today. Had the kids spend the night last night, which was amazing. Now I'm depressed after dropping them off. I'm going through the divorce process, wife said she loves me but doesn't love me. I'm slowly getting over her, but what has me down is my current living situation. I went from a beautiful house to renting a room out of a college house. Come June I get to move in with my best friend who is also going through this. That will help. I just feel that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel like I went from having this great life that we worked hard for the last 11 years, to now thinking I will never get any better. I hate the rollercoaster.


Just the financial damage done by splitting everything up into two houses is enough - I think - to keep a lot of people hanging on in situations where they aren't happy.

We haven't got hit "too hard" - but vacations, college funds, replacing "My" 1999 Dodge Caravan, retirement, emergency savings - all reasonable things that were in reach are now afterthoughts.

I just hope most attractive 35-40 year old women aren't looking for a Sugar Daddy. If I ever date again - and show up in my 99 Family Truckster - I'm afraid they won't even open the door!


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## nice777guy

notreadytoquit said:


> When you search around your aread did you put a larger distance or did you limit yourself to your own specific zip code? Are there any groups that interest you that are maybe an hour or so away from you?.
> 
> You can always start your own single parents group as well. I am sure you are not the only parent like that in your area.


Definitely worth another shot. I may have just put in my zip code.

Or - maybe its time I start getting involved in Politics!!! Although I think people are more welcomed into political circles when they have more money to spare!!!

Again - pulling up in my 99 Dodge - they may shut out the lights and pretend the offices are closed!


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## spudster

> I'm actually feeling horribly down today. Had the kids spend the night last night, which was amazing. Now I'm depressed after dropping them off. I'm going through the divorce process, wife said she loves me but doesn't love me. I'm slowly getting over her, but what has me down is my current living situation. I went from a beautiful house to renting a room out of a college house. Come June I get to move in with my best friend who is also going through this. That will help. I just feel that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel like I went from having this great life that we worked hard for the last 11 years, to now thinking I will never get any better. I hate the rollercoaster.


When you don't have the kids, get out of that house and go to the gym. Work out like a bandit and flirt with the ladies. Don't stay home.


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## nice777guy

spudster said:


> When you don't have the kids, get out of that house and go to the gym. Work out like a bandit and flirt with the ladies. Don't stay home.


The Gym...I remember that place!

Good advice...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goincrazy

nice777guy said:


> The Gym...I remember that place!
> 
> Good advice...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was thinking about joining a gym (just to get out more), but I really like the workout routine I have at home. It's convenient, and it works! I may take a kickboxing or self defense class though. I'm thinking about taking up Spanish again too. It's all about getting out of the house. When I first moved out, it really really bothered me to have a weekend where I didn't have any plans. I just sat there and cried until the tear ducts were dried up. Now I don't mind quite as much, but it's been getting to me a lot recently. I get depressed, and it's hard to shake it sometimes. I'm lonely...bottom line. It sucks.


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## kenn

proudwidaddy said:


> I'm actually feeling horribly down today. Had the kids spend the night last night, which was amazing. Now I'm depressed after dropping them off. I'm going through the divorce process, wife said she loves me but doesn't love me. I'm slowly getting over her, but what has me down is my current living situation. I went from a beautiful house to renting a room out of a college house. Come June I get to move in with my best friend who is also going through this. That will help. I just feel that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel like I went from having this great life that we worked hard for the last 11 years, to now thinking I will never get any better. I hate the rollercoaster.


I know how your feeling, I remodeled our house from top to bottom and now I have a room at my sisters house and the wife has the house, and get this, isn't paying the mortgage. She said she won't sell and will have it go into foreclosure. If I had the money and a job, I'd move back there to my house and she said she would leave and I'd live their instead. But I don't have a job or any money. Had to quit my job and move 750 miles away to have someplace to live. But that is another story for another time. She did want me to quit claim the house to her for $10. After all that work I did, and she'll either sell it then and make a little money and me nothing, or she'll live there and have a boyfriend live their with her and be doing it in our bedroom with her. Can't handle that thought process. Rather burn it down than let her have it. But don't want foreclosure either. AND she won't sell it and she is a Realtor. Go Figure.


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