# Cell phone philanderer



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah that was the mode of contact. The I-Phone.
It was what was being password protected from me, what was being taken to the bathroom to call on, or text message on.
It was what lit up in the middle of the night and me "having seen the password entered once" took a look and saw the string of messages, with the I love yous, and the soul mate talk.
"You still owe me a kiss", " Well I'd be happy to if I ever get to see you again"....

It was what I sat in the living room with her and our daughter watching her devote 120% of her undivided attention to.
Texting him, them, girlfriends, games, farmville, mafia wars.
Incessant, nonstop, take it to the bedroom at bedtime and text some more before hubby comes to bed.

The cellphone bill had hundred of texts to him and back and forth, for month after month.
Even in our "working it out" phase, telling me she was going to delete his number and not talk to him again, she used Yahoo instant messenger on the phone or Facebook messaging to contact him. We'd go out to dinner, me in my hopeful ridiculousness, would sit there while she pulled it out and stared into it like a zombie. Looking around i would see other couples sitting across the table from one another, EACH on their own cellphones, not a word between them.
The stop light at the intersection looking around me, people all staring into their cellphones.
Onto our camping trip, and hes contacting her via text message, our family trying to get away from it all and have a good time. Shes on her cellphone talking with her single girlfriend ,and him too.

Here we are, five days away from divorce, and she gets home slightly before I do, and as I walk thru the door, shes on the cellphone. She is on the cellphone for three more hours after than until she decides to retire to the bedroom, taking the phone with her. 
Mind you, our kid has NO interaction with her at all. Hasnt since my stbxw has ever purchased this Iphone. Unless i had said something guilting her into playing with our child, she has very little interaction other than the basic "taskmaster" type of do this, do that.
With her mother living there, our daughter has began to go up to my stbxw's mothers room and spend mostly the entire night up there, on her computer, or watching something on t.v.
Ive been packing my things, getting myself ready to move out. Trying to take care of myself, and go about some normalcy of a life, I still interact with my child, but wont demand that she come downstairs from her Nana's room and hang out with this black cloud of depressing remainder of her parents.
This morning, like all mornings I get up, get ready, come out side into the living room and the stbxw is on her phone, playing some game, texting some dude, or whatever.
Morning, noon , and night.
It has truly replaced every human-interaction she has.
It has taken the place of her involvement in her child.
It was used as the tool to continue her involvement and affair with another man.
You would think someone would want to be rid of it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I doubt this makes you feel much better... I know hearing this when I was consumed by the exact same experience (maybe worse? ie; 3,000-5,000!!! OM texts logged monthly on W phone) you describe didn't help make it any easier...

I had the same unbearable trigger about iphone in general and a constant reminder of the horrible pain and betrayal everytime I saw someone on a cell phone... and mind you, I counted at one point. I don't know if you've reached a point where you mentally log this yourself... but, did you know that on average over 30% of people in traffic are on a cell phone? Somedays it was as bad as 40-50%... and I see anywhere from 100-200 people a day in traffic to and from work... So in my damaged psyche I was seeing 50+ affairs conducted daily on my commute.... Uggggggggg. lol.


Anyway, point is... it passes. I promise. It never goes completely away and I have moments of panicked tunnel vision from time to time when I see these smiling texting little harpies... but by and large... It goes away. Im sure, like me you will catch yourself laughing or shaking your head when you see these people and remember how they "owned" you once...

Hang in there bro, the swelling goes down.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks Pit.
Its a real mfr i'll tell you.
I think for her right now its a method of not having to have anything to do with the situation. An escape.
I took the court ordered "Parenting/Co-Parenting" class yesterday, and it triggered a lot. My stbxw scored quite high on it, for me to have to insist she involve herself with her kid in lieu of a cellphone-all-nighter.
I took a magnet to it one time. It didnt do anything though.. Darn..


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Post my EA, which yes was iPhone dependent, my wife and I made each other a commitment that both our iPhones go into the chargers located in the laundry room. Shortly after D Day I realized that we were sitting next to each other in the living room, each with our noses in our phones. We might as well have been sitting in different cities. A need for intimacy was one of the things that made me susceptible to an affair - and a smart phone definitely gets in the way of intimacy if not managed properly.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

My archaic cell phone has been slowly approaching it’s demise for over a year and a half. I have not been able to talk on it for the past year and the texting works on and off. I secretly enjoy that my cell phone is half broken and just sad, compared to the way more advanced mini computers everyone is now running around with in the palms of their hands.

Technology is wonderful, it has even helped save lives. However, technology can be life changing and not always in a good way. Swear I’ve witnessed people literally change from the person they once were after getting their new techno-savvy toys (e.g., iPhone & alike smart phones, iPad, Xbox).

The cell phone is probably the number one helpful tool for most individuals to conduct an affair. It also helps them to withdraw from the reality of their surroundings. With reality gone, they tend to lose feeling accountable for their actions. It is very disturbing.

I am not at all embarrassed by my non-data, non-internet, non-techno-savvy, non-smart phone cell plan and cell phone. I already have a Garmin gps’ (topo & city), scanner, laptop, p/c, camera, internet, TV & plenty of other devices. Why the heck do I need a phone that does all the same stuff. Unless those latest and greatest cell phones will mop my floors and scrub the toilets, I have no desire for one.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thanks Pit.
> Its a real mfr i'll tell you.
> I think for her right now its a method of not having to have anything to do with the situation. An escape.
> I took the court ordered "Parenting/Co-Parenting" class yesterday, and it triggered a lot. My stbxw scored quite high on it, for me to have to insist she involve herself with her kid in lieu of a cellphone-all-nighter.
> I took a magnet to it one time. It didnt do anything though.. Darn..



Again, I wish I could impart some meaningful reassurance.. I wish I could stress how deja vue everything your saying is to me. 

Actually at one point I strongly considered getting one of those signal blockers (illegal in the US, but they can be aquired.) I was convinced that if I could just separate her from that evil crackpipe (iphone) things would be different... The broadband connection to her alternate reality, her "on demand fix".... Truth is, you can't. Even if you could, it would only cement you into this role she has you written into now. Manipulative or controlling or whatever costume she is seeing you in.. Free will brother, ONLY by free will can any true reconciliation happen. 

Another hard truth only the wisdom of surviving this will give you is... Rather than wasting another moment thinking about "what if's" and trying to sever her from this fantasy, you should be spending every ounce of that energy trying to sever yourself from it. When you can let go of your role in her reality, and detach your self from that internal _urgency_ and _panic_ to effect the outcome... That's when 'forward' starts happening for you...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

QUOTE=Pit-of-my-stomach;406216]
Another hard truth only the wisdom of surviving this will give you is... Rather than wasting another moment thinking about "what if's" and trying to sever her from this fantasy, you should be spending every ounce of that energy trying to sever yourself from it. When you can let go of your role in her reality, and detach your self from that internal _urgency_ and _panic_ to effect the outcome... That's when 'forward' starts happening for you...[/QUOTE]

---Ah, the beaming light of wisdom. 

I got my parenting class score for the test, 98! woo hoo!
This saturday I am going to go looking at houses with my real estate agent.
Next Tuesday is my court date to finalize the divorce.

There may be a bit of time where I still have to stick around until I can actually "move in" to my new place, and maaaaaan am I trying to hold that to a minimum.

Got most if not all of my stuff boxed up, the rest is all furniture.

So most days right now its     :smthumbup: :sleeping:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Technology helped ruin our relationship and no one was cheating 

We promised to NOT be on our phone, computer, or game console when together. So far, it's helped us connect again. 

Sorry for your situation  It does suck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> ---Ah, the beaming light of wisdom.
> 
> I got my parenting class score for the test, 98! woo hoo!


The comment wasn't meant to be condecending, I hope it didn't come off that way. Yeah, wisdom sucks. The price of aquiring it is usually pain or mistakes or something. I sincerly wish I had no wisdom at all.

I had those court ordered parenting classes too. I don't think a test was required for mine though. In this class there were like 50 people (divorcing parents) I think I was the only one with tears running down my face. I hated that I was "training" to prepare my son to cope with life being from a broken family. Hearing about the pain and confusion he would deal with was pretty harsh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A dancing banana. 

That is one of my triggers. I can laugh now, since it's so stupid. 

But when I first discovered my exH's online dating profile and he went through some messages showing me, I saw he had sent a dancing banana smiley/gif to a woman who had said he was "so hot." I guess it counts as "wink" or something on PlentyofFish? Idk. But now when I think of that dancing banana pushing his arms in and out, I think how stupid/funny/tragic. 

Also, anytime I hear of PoF (PlentyofFish), it's a trigger for me. So, not a cellphone, but a stupid banana. LOL.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

a few weeks ago at the playground, I noticed all four women there were sitting on the benches, heads down typing away on their phones. They were all on the verge of morbid obesity, two of them had infants sleeping in the stroller while the older kids were all being mean to each other and fighting on the monkey bars, using foul language trying to hurt each other. I have a smartphone too, but was too busy running around playing with my son, and keep him uninterested in playing with the bad kids. I think I just live in the wrong part of town, cause when we go to the big playground downtown almost all the parents are having a great time with their kids and the kids are meeting other great playmates.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ahhh cellphones....Yes, that is how I found out that my ex was doing me wrong. The first time was back in Oct 2010 when I had began to notice how over protective he was being of his phone. He wasnt that way before. Before, he would get home from work, put it on the charger and forget about it. Now, he was suddenly very protective of it. He'd never put it down, he'd always have it in his hand, it was always kept face down and kept on vibrate. (This was a regular texting type cell phone, not a smart phone) I was going to question him about it but decided to just look for myself, so I pretended not to notice his change in behavior, all the while plotting to get that phone. One morning after taking kids to school and coming back home, I saw the phone sitting on the night stand next to the bed. He was sawing logs so I knew he was very much sound asleep. I took the phone and discovered several sexual text messages between him and ow. Let's just say he got a very rude awakening. I cried, I screamed, I shouted. He hung his head and took it (looking back at it now, the only guilt he felt was that of being caught, not of hurting me) Well, short story going long, he convinced me that he was being stupid in a moment of weakness but nothing had ever happened.....da da da da.....but turns out he was in fact sleeping with that sexual textual deviant and another woman as well (the other one is the crazy cuckoo "just a friend" I have mainly spoke of)....so, the cell phone is how I discovered my ex's affairs. I discovered it in October 2010, from Oct 2010 to April 2011, he gaslighted me. It was April 3, 2011 that it all fell apart for good. That day is the day I officially left him.
Smart phone as well as any cell phone makes it so much easier to go underground with an affair. It's easy to get a track phone where there are no records, no monthly bills, or on smart phones a person can use different apps that will disguise certain things, like folders can be re-named something generic and be used to hide pics or something.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> The comment wasn't meant to be condecending, I hope it didn't come off that way. Yeah, wisdom sucks. The price of aquiring it is usually pain or mistakes or something. I sincerly wish I had no wisdom at all.
> 
> I had those court ordered parenting classes too. I don't think a test was required for mine though. In this class there were like 50 people (divorcing parents) I think I was the only one with tears running down my face. I hated that I was "training" to prepare my son to cope with life being from a broken family. Hearing about the pain and confusion he would deal with was pretty harsh.


No way not all at taken as condescending. It was very much appreciated. Driving home from the test was full of tears, and then later on that evening again. Knowing what my daughter was going to be going thru, knowing her closeness to me, and very much resenting my wife for her nonchalant attitude towards it all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My weakness is the computer. I put it away when my kids are home or when i have to get stuff done or when my husband is home.

I have a feeling i will need to cut cold turkey for a while and just live. I find it gives me more stress to be connected...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I spent a bit of time on Facebook, each night. Had a few games I liked on there, and had family up north that Id keep contact with.

but ever since my stbxw started posting $%##$ to her loverboy, and he on her page, I defriended her, and then ultimately shut down my profile.

I can say, that I feel like I have taken something off of a neverending "to do" list, you know? Sort of makes me feel a bit out of touch but, who cares where someone is eating at the moment.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I dont' know how we, as society, got into this "constant contact 24/7" mentality.

When i lived in a Hare Krishna community, it was so peaceful. I had no self doubt, no stress really. No TV, no internet, my phone was simple--- it made calls.

I don't let my 12 year old sit on her phone or computer. Phone gets shut off at 5pm and computer use is 45 minutes. Too much contact just breeds discontent.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, *I dont' know how we, as society, got into this "constant contact 24/7" mentality.
> *
> When i lived in a Hare Krishna community, it was so peaceful. I had no self doubt, no stress really. No TV, no internet, my phone was simple--- it made calls.
> 
> I don't let my 12 year old sit on her phone or computer. Phone gets shut off at 5pm and computer use is 45 minutes. Too much contact just breeds discontent.


*CNN*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sign of the times


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I guess. I am not crazy on my phone, especially when out. I can't stand going out with friends and everyone is on their phone. I could have stayed home and been ignored for free.

As far as cheating goes, it had made it much easier. Everyone has their own phone (we dont' even have a house phone) and for some reason there is this weird etiquette that we have to respect the privacy of other people's phone behaviour. I don't get that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Phones aren't responsible for cheating. Oh sure, it's easier to communicate now with anyone/antyime but the cheaters are responsible for cheating.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I didn't mean that, I just meant it made it easier.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

There were few times we did things as a family, but the last time we did I decided to bring my nice camera... a couple days ago I happened to be looking through some of the pics and in most of the photos my W was texting on her blackberry, and this was at the same time she was having her A (which I didn't realize at the time). Incredulous!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Oh I didn't mean that, I just meant it made it easier.


The cheaters make it easier.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

DON'T let your child just go upstairs. Be the same stronger person you are being right now, but with her. Spend all the time in the world with her right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Phones aren't responsible for cheating. Oh sure, it's easier to communicate now with anyone/antyime but the cheaters are responsible for cheating.


Drug dealers aren't responsible for drug addicts or people overdosing either.

Not going to put the blame on them for the choices the "users" made... but I'm certainly more leary and resentful that there is a "drug" dealer on every corner now... lol.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Drug dealers aren't responsible for drug addicts or people overdosing either.
> 
> Not going to put the blame on them for the choices the "users" made... but I'm certainly more leary and resentful that there is a "drug" dealer on every corner now... lol.


^ :lol: LOL


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I spend too much time on infidelity message boards


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Drug dealers aren't responsible for drug addicts or people overdosing either.
> 
> Not going to put the blame on them for the choices the "users" made... but I'm certainly more leary and resentful that there is a "drug" dealer on every corner now... lol.


A drug dealer and a cell phone are not the same. 

But I do like your analogy at the end


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> A drug dealer and a cell phone are not the same.


yeah I know. cell phones/texting and facebook have other very productive uses...

but, so do drug dealers? I mean they aren't always dealing drugs... They are good for doing community services hours, fathering illegitamate children and who the hell would buy those expensive spinning rims and gold teeth if not for the drug dealers?

lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But cell phones don't deal cheaters... people do that!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I spend too much time on infidelity message boards


Ditto!!


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