# Ex violent towards kids and I want to smash him



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife’s ex recently grabbed their son and threw him around, kicked him and hinted at doing the same to their daughter. My wife is a peace keeper so she wants to talk to him to death to try and fix this. She talks about him losing visitation if this keeps up and lawyers etc. She thinks he would never actually hurt them. The big issue is the next day the kids were scared to go with him. I love these kids like my own. I’m thinking I should throw this guy a beating and put and end to this now. I say this because I have talked to him in the past and he will just talk you to death with his bull****. I took the night to think about it and decided what I thought was best. I told him if the kids were ever scared of him hurting them or my wife was I would find him and beat the living **** out of him. He seemed to get it and says it will no longer happen. Problem is my wife is pissed and she thinks I should have talked to her about this first. I did spend the night with her before this and got the genuine feeling that she was very concerned and not sure what to do. I feel an overwhelming need to protect these kids and her. I thought by doing this I would solve the problem before it turned into one and not burden her with it. I feel like without a real consequence he would do it again but worse next time. Turns out it all blew up in my face and she is mad about this. Also many other people in her family are taking the same stance towards him. Not as aggressive as me but close, they took the time to speak to him about this, I did not it was more of a warning of what is to come if this does not end now. I think this adds stress to her wanting to keeping the peace when so many people are disturbing it. Am I wrong here?


----------



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

482 said:


> My wife’s ex recently grabbed their son and threw him around, kicked him and hinted at doing the same to their daughter. My wife is a peace keeper so she wants to talk to him to death to try and fix this. She talks about him losing visitation if this keeps up and lawyers etc. She thinks he would never actually hurt them. The big issue is the next day the kids were scared to go with him. I love these kids like my own. I’m thinking I should throw this guy a beating and put and end to this now. I say this because I have talked to him in the past and he will just talk you to death with his bull****. I took the night to think about it and decided what I thought was best. I told him if the kids were ever scared of him hurting them or my wife was I would find him and beat the living **** out of him. He seemed to get it and says it will no longer happen. Problem is my wife is pissed and she thinks I should have talked to her about this first. I did spend the night with her before this and got the genuine feeling that she was very concerned and not sure what to do. I feel an overwhelming need to protect these kids and her. I thought by doing this I would solve the problem before it turned into one and not burden her with it. I feel like without a real consequence he would do it again but worse next time. Turns out it all blew up in my face and she is mad about this. Also many other people in her family are taking the same stance towards him. Not as aggressive as me but close, they took the time to speak to him about this, I did not it was more of a warning of what is to come if this does not end now. I think this adds stress to her wanting to keeping the peace when so many people are disturbing it. Am I wrong here?


First off, mad props to you for caring for children who are not biologically your own. Sounds to me that you are much bigger man than he is. As cliche as it may sound, you serving justice on your own might be more satisfying but not a wise choice. I say talk to your wife to establish your firm position on this, because it sounds like the guy's continuing this because he doesnt have to face much consequences. If the kids are scared, you guys should reassure them it is ok to express how the feel about this so you guys can take legal action against it. good luck man


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

What the guy needs is a proper ass beating!
Thanks for doing the right thing OP!


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This sounds more like a matter for the police. However satisfying it may be to hit him, that blurs legal picture. If he hit / kicked a kid, then the police should know and he should never be near the kids again.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Call Child Protective Services (CPS), or the equivalent government agency in your location, and report the abuse. They are obliged to investigate. If you do not know who to call the children's school or physician will know, while you're at it report it to the school. Do not threaten to call CPS, tell no one and just do it.

Do not get violent with the father or you may end up in jail and then who will advocate for these children?


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

DaveinOC said:


> First off, mad props to you for caring for children who are not biologically your own. Sounds to me that you are much bigger man than he is. As cliche as it may sound, you serving justice on your own might be more satisfying but not a wise choice. I say talk to your wife to establish your firm position on this, because it sounds like the guy's continuing this because he doesnt have to face much consequences. If the kids are scared, you guys should reassure them it is ok to express how the feel about this so you guys can take legal action against it. good luck man


Thank you. Guess Im just old school, legal action to me is the last resort, in my stubborn old mind. Maybe I should listen to her more I just have a hard time with it because if it were up to her no one would say anything.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Oh and while you are at it ... ask yourself why you are with a woman who would allow this to be done to her children when she herself could take action and have it stopped?

When I was a young child I used to wonder about a similar question ... why didn't my mother protect me from my father? It's a mind-**** for a child.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> What the guy needs is a proper ass beating!
> Thanks for doing the right thing OP!


My thoughts exactly, wife thinks otherwise .........


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

uhtred said:


> This sounds more like a matter for the police. However satisfying it may be to hit him, that blurs legal picture. If he hit / kicked a kid, then the police should know and he should never be near the kids again.


Sometimes I wish I though more like this. If I did she would probably not be mad at me right now. She did warn him that if this were to get out he would never see the kids again. She said he seemed to take this serious but honestly he is a total bull**** artist salesman. This is why I thought the only proper resolution was my fist.


----------



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> Oh and while you are at it ... ask yourself why you are with a woman who would allow this to be done to her children when she herself could take action and have it stopped?
> 
> When I was a young child I used to wonder about a similar question ... why didn't my mother protect me from my father? It's a mind-**** for a child.


That is a valid concern, however its a bit extreme to evaluate why he's with a woman who would "allow" that. tolerating and passively not take action are not the same thing. Also, there might be other qualities to her that he loves so he shouldn't just look at 1 aspect of her traits and make assessment of whether he should be with her or not. If this is the case, there are literally million things he can base his relationship decisions on (and equally as many deal breakers). I am saying this because while people should choose whatever suits their own life, we have too many "checklist" items that serve as sole determinant of make or break criteria in marriage today.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> Call Child Protective Services (CPS), or the equivalent government agency in your location, and report the abuse. They are obliged to investigate. If you do not know who to call the children's school or physician will know, while you're at it report it to the school. Do not threaten to call CPS, tell no one and just do it.
> 
> Do not get violent with the father or you may end up in jail and then who will advocate for these children?


Your right I need to chill out sometimes. Its up to her if she wants to get cps involved about this I only know one form of justice. When this happens I just lose it in a "I'll just take the charge to end this" state of mind. I turn into a bull in the china shop. Jail would kind of screw up my job but at least he would know ill be out soon and he could expect another beating if he hurt the kids in any way.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> Oh and while you are at it ... ask yourself why you are with a woman who would allow this to be done to her children when she herself could take action and have it stopped?
> 
> When I was a young child I used to wonder about a similar question ... why didn't my mother protect me from my father? It's a mind-**** for a child.


She has discussed this action with him and he seemed to get it from what I understand but I flew off the handle.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

DaveinOC said:


> That is a valid concern, however its a bit extreme to evaluate why he's with a woman who would "allow" that. tolerating and passively not take action are not the same thing. Also, there might be other qualities to her that he loves so he shouldn't just look at 1 aspect of her traits and make assessment of whether he should be with her or not. If this is the case, there are literally million things he can base his relationship decisions on (and equally as many deal breakers). I am saying this because while people should choose whatever suits their own life, we have too many "checklist" items that serve as sole determinant of make or break criteria in marriage today.


Nice try. IMO no one should have "stands by and lets loved ones get beaten" on their "checklist".

He said it himself ... she is more concerned about this becoming public knowledge that protecting her own kids.

She does not want to be "embarrassed". :slap:


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why hasn't she withdrawn his visitation rights? Do not beat him down until the children are safe from him. That will risk further injury once gets his hands on them and blame his children for it. 

I am quite frankly disgusted at your wife's hesitance. 

Also, in such a personal affair - if you live in a modern country - it's not wise to get your own hands dirty, do what you have to do, but there are others who will be willing and more ready to deal with the consequences, unless you are completely confident you can evade those consequences, which - honestly, I doubt in your current emotional state, no offense, forgive me for being blunt, but I agree with you in that it IS a serious issue with potential life-long consequences for the kids.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Why hasn't she withdrawn his visitation rights? Do not beat him down until the children are safe from him. That will risk further injury once gets his hands on them and blame his children for it.
> 
> I am quite frankly disgusted at your wife's hesitance.
> 
> Also, in such a personal affair - if you live in a modern country - it's not wise to get your own hands dirty, do what you have to do, but there are others who will be willing and more ready to deal with the consequences, unless you are completely confident you can evade those consequences, which - honestly, I doubt in your current emotional state, no offense, forgive me for being blunt, but I agree with you in that it IS a serious issue with potential life-long consequences for the kids.


Ii's early stages this just happened yesterday and I think that may be why she has not yet withdrawn them, she only told him that can happen if things don't change. She constantly gives him the benefit of the doubt. I know he is a **** tard and she is the sweetest most forgiving person in the world. This is why I took it there. Problem is she feels like I should have discussed this with her first. Almost like I should have got approval for my message before I delivered it to him. Feels like a stupid advisor to me. I don't like that.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I would advise to take immediate legal action, and do not touch, threaten, or even insinuate a threat to her XH. Because all that can turn around and backfire on you, and you could be the one to end up in hot water.

I wouldn't wait to contact CPS. While you're waiting, those kids will be exposed to further abuse. If it could cause problems with your wife, you can also go to their school counselor or your minister, convey to them what happened, and ask them to contact CPS (they have to, as mandatory reporters). I'm upset that this wasn't your wife's first course of action. Because this is very likely not the first incident--it's simply the first incident you are aware of.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

482 said:


> Ii's early stages this just happened yesterday and I think that may be why she has not yet withdrawn them, she only told him that can happen if things don't change. She constantly gives him the benefit of the doubt. I know he is a **** tard and she is the sweetest most forgiving person in the world. This is why I took it there. Problem is she feels like I should have discussed this with her first. Almost like I should have got approval for my message before I delivered it to him. Feels like a stupid advisor to me. I don't like that.


Hmmm... I see, on one hand I can see you feel she's perhaps in somewhat of a shock, and is incapable of making solid decisions at this current time, on the other hand you mention that she has repeatedly shown forgiveness and benefit of the doubt. Is it also in cases such as this? Has this happened before? You mentioned you spoke to him in the past.

She also seems to feel disrespected that you went over her head, crossing a boundary without her permission - into her family life. First of all, she's right you should have consulted her first, second of all she's being negligent in regards to the safety of her own children and should not judge you for stepping up to defend HER kids. 

Once things are calmer, apologise for crossing the boundary but ensure that she understands your reasons for doing so; she has to acknowledge her own negligence, you do not simply give someone like that a slap on the wrist. Based on what you mentioned, as well as the insinuations that this is not the first occurence, this man has identified himself as a child abuser, and needs to be removed from your lives and the lives of the children until he EARNS the right to see them again, if he ever does.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

482 said:


> Problem is my wife is pissed and she thinks I should have talked to her about this first. I did spend the night with her before this and got the genuine feeling that she was very concerned and not sure what to do. I feel an overwhelming need to protect these kids and her. I thought by doing this I would solve the problem before it turned into one and not burden her with it. I feel like without a real consequence he would do it again but worse next time. Turns out it all blew up in my face and she is mad about this.


While I can understand that she may feel that it wasn't your place my impression is so what if she's mad? There are children's safety at stake. If she's too much of a wimp to protect HER OWN KIDS, then it's your duty - and any other adult's duty - to protect those kids if she won't. I'd make sure she understands that. And that you will be notifying CPS if it happens again.

My last question, though, is what's the deal with you worried about her being mad? Are you thinking she'll leave you or something? Or are you just afraid of, uncomfortable about, her being mad?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The welfare and well-being of these children is first and foremost, @482 !

Did I miss reading it earlier, but just what are the ages of these children?*


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife is mad at you likely because she sees the downstream consequences that you don't... Namely, you're in jail and then she and the kids are defenseless.

We aren't old school any longer. Your tactic would have worked fine then. You can protect them but it has to be cerebrally done.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

482 said:


> Thank you. Guess Im just old school, legal action to me is the last resort, in my stubborn old mind. Maybe I should listen to her more I just have a hard time with it because if it were up to her no one would say anything.


What good will it do the children when you are in jail for beating is sorry behind? You beating him up will not help at all. Though it might be very satisfying. Plus, there is always the chance that he will end up winning the altercation.

You need to use the law. That's how you keep yourself out of jail.

I'm sorry but your wife is a huge part of the problem. She's basically ok with him beating up her kids. Yea, I know, she says she's not. But she is allowing it. Keep in mind that if he is ever prosecuted, she could be prosecuted too for enabling it.

How badly was your step son hurt? One thing to do is to take him to the doctor to be examined to make sure there were no injuries. Even if you know there are no serious injuries, take him to the doctor. let him tell the doctor what his father did. 

Medical staff are required by law to report any domestic violence. So let them take care of the reporting. 

Until there is a legal case against this guy, there is no way to protect the children from him. 

Take your wife and go see a lawyer. Find out how to protect yourselves. 

As someone else suggested, you could also call child protective services. You could also report the abuse anonymously. They will then start an investigation. 

Where did this beating take place? Did you see it? Did any one outside the family see it?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

482 said:


> My wife’s ex recently grabbed their son and threw him around, kicked him and hinted at doing the same to their daughter. My wife is a peace keeper so she wants to talk to him to death to try and fix this. She talks about him losing visitation if this keeps up and lawyers etc. She thinks he would never actually hurt them. The big issue is the next day the kids were scared to go with him. I love these kids like my own. I’m thinking I should throw this guy a beating and put and end to this now. I say this because I have talked to him in the past and he will just talk you to death with his bull****. I took the night to think about it and decided what I thought was best. I told him if the kids were ever scared of him hurting them or my wife was I would find him and beat the living **** out of him. He seemed to get it and says it will no longer happen. Problem is my wife is pissed and she thinks I should have talked to her about this first. I did spend the night with her before this and got the genuine feeling that she was very concerned and not sure what to do. I feel an overwhelming need to protect these kids and her. I thought by doing this I would solve the problem before it turned into one and not burden her with it. I feel like without a real consequence he would do it again but worse next time. Turns out it all blew up in my face and she is mad about this. Also many other people in her family are taking the same stance towards him. Not as aggressive as me but close, they took the time to speak to him about this, I did not it was more of a warning of what is to come if this does not end now. I think this adds stress to her wanting to keeping the peace when so many people are disturbing it. Am I wrong here?


The next time it happens.....and it will the kids need to file a police report.

They could even file charges now most likley. 

Abusers don't just stop becuse someone threarened them! They might even get worse!


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm... I see, on one hand I can see you feel she's perhaps in somewhat of a shock, and is incapable of making solid decisions at this current time, on the other hand you mention that she has repeatedly shown forgiveness and benefit of the doubt. Is it also in cases such as this? Has this happened before? You mentioned you spoke to him in the past.
> 
> She also seems to feel disrespected that you went over her head, crossing a boundary without her permission - into her family life. First of all, she's right you should have consulted her first, second of all she's being negligent in regards to the safety of her own children and should not judge you for stepping up to defend HER kids.
> 
> Once things are calmer, apologise for crossing the boundary but ensure that she understands your reasons for doing so; she has to acknowledge her own negligence, you do not simply give someone like that a slap on the wrist. Based on what you mentioned, as well as the insinuations that this is not the first occurence, this man has identified himself as a child abuser, and needs to be removed from your lives and the lives of the children until he EARNS the right to see them again, if he ever does.


This has happened once in the past but not as bad as this time. Last time he grabbed the son by the neck. The son was scared about it.

We did speak in the past about him being difficult about a visitation situation. He will just talk you to death until he properly sells his bull****. This is why I didn't even want to talk to him about this. I just wanted to provide a message, clear and to the point. 

Add to all this he is a complete functional alcoholic. 

I have expressed to her that I am sorry she is upset about all this but not for what I did because I think it was the right thing to do. I have also made it clear why I did what I did. I did it because I think she would just talk to him and get the bull****. She did speak to him and says he is scared to death about losing them. She says she had it under control and there was no reason to do what I did the way I did. She says its important to her and the kids that me and him are civil. I did it because I think it was the best option to stop this from ever happening again. I chose conflict over comfort. We can be civil as long as he does not cross the line.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

turnera said:


> While I can understand that she may feel that it wasn't your place my impression is so what if she's mad? There are children's safety at stake. If she's too much of a wimp to protect HER OWN KIDS, then it's your duty - and any other adult's duty - to protect those kids if she won't. I'd make sure she understands that. And that you will be notifying CPS if it happens again.
> 
> My last question, though, is what's the deal with you worried about her being mad? Are you thinking she'll leave you or something? Or are you just afraid of, uncomfortable about, her being mad?


Yes I guess it just sucks being uncomfortable all the time, not sleeping good, less productive at work, not worried about her leaving. Uncomfortable being divided. 

She feels she had it under control and I should have let her handle it. She also feels like I should have discussed this with her before I did it.

I feel like what I did was the best option to prevent this from happening again. I feel like I should protect the kids. I feel like she should be standing right behind me rather than pissed off on the other side of the room.

I guess when things like this happen I see no end in sight. I can just agree to disagree she has a hard time with that.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *The welfare and well-being of these children is first and foremost, @482 !
> 
> Did I miss reading it earlier, but just what are the ages of these children?*


9 and 8


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What good will it do the children when you are in jail for beating is sorry behind? You beating him up will not help at all. Though it might be very satisfying. Plus, there is always the chance that he will end up winning the altercation.
> 
> You need to use the law. That's how you keep yourself out of jail.
> 
> ...


I think he was more scared than hurt. This took place in his home. Him and the two kids were the only ones there. 

The good I see in the beating is that people don't like getting their ass kicked. I figure he will think about that before he does something like this again.

Her take is she had it under control. I should have not done what I did without talking to her about it. She says he understands the severity of the situation and it will not happen again.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

482 said:


> 9 and 8


*Report this damned ogre to CPS and to your attorney immediately! This unconscionable rectum already has a discernible track record.

Please keep in mind that if something subsequently happens to these previous kids by his actions or inactions, your conscience will literally eat you alive if you do nothing to offer them protection!*


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... letting it drop are we? Seriously, I don't like your wife but that's not your problem.

Both the kids are traumatised now, they have learnt they can't trust either parent; their dad can snap and assault them, their mum will not protect them - a slap on the wrist and a warning is not protecting them. They need to *SEE* the consequences of their dad's actions.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This is a little known fact about bullies. They're full of thunder and bravado while they're abusing someone, but they are the first to cower and beg for mercy when they're bullied back. Scientists have actually done experiments on rats and observed rat bullies behaving exactly this way. Sounds like you handled him well.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> So... letting it drop are we? Seriously, I don't like your wife but that's not your problem.
> 
> Both the kids are traumatised now, they have learnt they can't trust either parent; their dad can snap and assault them, their mum will not protect them - a slap on the wrist and a warning is not protecting them. They need to *SEE* the consequences of their dad's actions.


No one is letting it drop. My position on this is clear to everyone involved. Her position is that him and the kids spoke about what happened and it will never happen again. Also if anything like this ever happens again she will make sure he will not see the kids anymore.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> This is a little known fact about bullies. They're full of thunder and bravado while they're abusing someone, but they are the first to cower and beg for mercy when they're bullied back. Scientists have actually done experiments on rats and observed rat bullies behaving exactly this way. Sounds like you handled him well.


Thank you. I can use a little positive reinforcement right now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

482 said:


> Yes I guess it just sucks being uncomfortable all the time, not sleeping good, less productive at work, not worried about her leaving. Uncomfortable being divided.


Then that is on YOU to figure out why her being upset with you upsets YOU. Maybe read No More Mr Nice Guy or Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. The point is, you should acknowledge her anger, but not let it dictate your decisions. She NEEDS you to be strong like that, especially since she's not able to stand up to things like this.



> She feels she had it under control and I should have let her handle it. She also feels like I should have discussed this with her before I did it.


Discuss it first? Sure. Let her handle it? She already SHOWED you how she would handle it - by not handling it. She should have taken him to the doctor the first time his father abused him. She did not. This time, after a far worse event, she AGAIN did not take her son to the doctor and let CPS handle it. She is an appeaser and you, as ANY adult would be, are obliged to step in. If she doesn't like hearing that, that's her problem, but you won't witness abuse of a child and not take steps to prevent it. 



> I can just agree to disagree she has a hard time with that.


Agreed.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was she there when he spoke to the kids? Were you?

Have you spoken to the kids alone without their mother? You need to. You need to make it clear to them that you WILL step in and defend them. they just have to let you know. Please do this soon.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

turnera said:


> Then that is on YOU to figure out why her being upset with you upsets YOU. Maybe read No More Mr Nice Guy or Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. The point is, you should acknowledge her anger, but not let it dictate your decisions. She NEEDS you to be strong like that, especially since she's not able to stand up to things like this.
> 
> Discuss it first? Sure. Let her handle it? She already SHOWED you how she would handle it - by not handling it. She should have taken him to the doctor the first time his father abused him. She did not. This time, after a far worse event, she AGAIN did not take her son to the doctor and let CPS handle it. She is an appeaser and you, as ANY adult would be, are obliged to step in. If she doesn't like hearing that, that's her problem, but you won't witness abuse of a child and not take steps to prevent it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for all your comments. Taking with people on this post really helps put this all into perspective. I have read both of them. Establishing my nuts has and does dictate many of the decision I make. Here is some that made this decision for me

Fear does not keep me from taking risks or speaking my mind, I welcome confrontation if it's necessary

I am a good father to the kids and a good husband to my wife

_These I need to get better at living _

I apologize *once* when it's appropriate not to please others (I must have apologized 15 times that she is upset about all this. Not for what I did)

Patience over temper, I'm comfortable being uncomfortable (I need to get more comfortable being uncomfortable and not let her anger and unhappiness effect me so much)


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

482 said:


> No one is letting it drop. My position on this is clear to everyone involved. Her position is that him and the kids spoke about what happened and it will never happen again. Also if anything like this ever happens again she will make sure he will not see the kids anymore.


I know you aren't letting it drop, but your wife? Well, you know the situation best, we can only voice our opinions you based on the little you have mentioned.

I have to agree with Turnera - don't just take her word for it, go talk to the kids yourself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

482 said:


> I apologize *once* when it's appropriate not to please others (I must have apologized 15 times that she is upset about all this. Not for what I did)


Wait, so you two have talked about this FIFTEEN times in the last day? That's harassment, and you need to take the step to stop the conversation. 

And if she continues to harass you, there's no reason for you to still apologize for how she feels, got it? That's you getting down in the weeds with her. 

"I've told you my position, I'm not going to discuss it again." (this, after you tell her if she doesn't protect them, you will)

Then change the subject and/or walk away.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

482 said:


> Sometimes I wish I though more like this. If I did she would probably not be mad at me right now. She did warn him that if this were to get out he would never see the kids again. She said he seemed to take this serious but honestly he is a total bull**** artist salesman. This is why I thought the only proper resolution was my fist.


He gets bruises, that fade.

You get banged up in jail.

And then, as an act of revenge, he really gets to beat the snot out of the kids.

Call CPS, call the Police.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I find it extremely shameful that your wife is not at the lawyer's office right this minute filing a motion to modify custody. Good for you for standing up for those kids. Someone has to.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am seriously disgusted with your wife. What kind of mother doesn't take action on this?? Were this me, I would rain hell fire on his ass. I applaud you for taking the initiative, but recommend you DONT follow through. Go through the proper legal channels, and do it quick. 

Does this make you wonder what kind of person you are married to?


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

turnera said:


> Wait, so you two have talked about this FIFTEEN times in the last day? That's harassment, and you need to take the step to stop the conversation.
> 
> And if she continues to harass you, there's no reason for you to still apologize for how she feels, got it? That's you getting down in the weeds with her.
> 
> ...


Sorry no we talked about it twice. Both times I just tried to be there for her and listen. It seemed like thats what she needed. Her brothers all talked to him about this and I think she was a bit overwhelmed that the peace keeping mission was not going well. During these discussions I probably said 15 times I was sorry she was upset about all this. The rest I totally agree I need to just refer back to what I already said, end of story.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So she thinks that throwing a child about and kicking them isn't hurting them??? What sort of mother is she????.


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

You have said that if it happens again you'll do something (whether with your fists - which is the stupidest thing you could do) or call CPS.

How do you know it's not happened again? Maybe it's happened before and you don't know? He knows that someone told you about him which could mean serious trouble for the person he suspects. 

You don't know everything that goes on with that family and you never will. If you become physical, it's just going to end badly for you and those kids won't have anyone to help them - which you need to be doing now legally NOW not waiting "until the next time" maybe that time could be fatal or life-changing for those kids. You can't help if the "next time happens".... Maybe that has already happened.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Well she spoke to him about this and she feels everything is ok. She let him know that if anything like this ever happens again she will get cps and the police involved and he will no longer see his kids. She said he seems to get it, understands the severity, and agreed this will never happen again. In addition I hold my position on this issue. He knows what to expect if he ****s up again. She also knows it and is going to have to learn to agree to disagree with me. I told her I hope it never comes to that but if it does he's going to get whats coming to him. By the sounds of things that would be loss of his kids with cps and police involved and a beating.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

482 said:


> My wife’s ex recently grabbed their son and threw him around, kicked him and hinted at doing the same to their daughter. My wife is a peace keeper so she wants to talk to him to death to try and fix this. She talks about him losing visitation if this keeps up and lawyers etc. She thinks he would never actually hurt them. The big issue is the next day the kids were scared to go with him. I love these kids like my own. I’m thinking I should throw this guy a beating and put and end to this now. I say this because I have talked to him in the past and he will just talk you to death with his bull****. I took the night to think about it and decided what I thought was best. I told him if the kids were ever scared of him hurting them or my wife was I would find him and beat the living **** out of him. He seemed to get it and says it will no longer happen. Problem is my wife is pissed and she thinks I should have talked to her about this first. I did spend the night with her before this and got the genuine feeling that she was very concerned and not sure what to do. I feel an overwhelming need to protect these kids and her. I thought by doing this I would solve the problem before it turned into one and not burden her with it. I feel like without a real consequence he would do it again but worse next time. Turns out it all blew up in my face and she is mad about this. Also many other people in her family are taking the same stance towards him. Not as aggressive as me but close, they took the time to speak to him about this, I did not it was more of a warning of what is to come if this does not end now. I think this adds stress to her wanting to keeping the peace when so many people are disturbing it. Am I wrong here?


I can't post on this thread because if I said what I wanted to I would be banned. Protect those kids OP.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Have you talked to the kids yet - yourself? Or still taking wifey's word for it?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

482 said:


> Well she spoke to him about this and she feels everything is ok. She let him know that if anything like this ever happens again she will get cps and the police involved and he will no longer see his kids. She said he seems to get it, understands the severity, and agreed this will never happen again. In addition I hold my position on this issue. He knows what to expect if he ****s up again. She also knows it and is going to have to learn to agree to disagree with me. I told her I hope it never comes to that but if it does he's going to get whats coming to him. By the sounds of things that would be loss of his kids with cps and police involved and a beating.


Ok so now everything is wonderful because he gets it... right!???

The truth is that he will probably take it out on the children. One of the things that abusers do is to threaten the children that if they tell about any further abuse they will "really" harm the children, or harm their mother (or other parent), or their dog/cat. Or they just lay a huge guilt trip on the kids "Oh I'm sorry I beat you to a pulp. If you tell anyone about this, they will throw me in jail and will never be able to see you again. And I love you so much.. blah blah blah"

These children need help. You and your wife need to talk to the children about what to do if he hurts them. They need to know that if he threatens to hurt them, any pets or anyone else that they need to tell you and that you and their mother will protect them.

It would be best if you (actually their mother) could get them into counseling. Then let them talk to a counselor. Counselors are required reporters. So if they tell the counselor, he/she will get the police and CPS involved. That works nicely because it takes the contention about this away from you and their mother.

Usually it's best for a step-parent to not parent their step-children. The children already have 2 parents. But in this type of case, when the children need protection, it's a completely different story. But the step-parent is at a huge disadvantage because step-parents have zero legal standing. Plus a step-parent accusing their spouse's ex could be viewed as jealousy and unreasonable interference if there is no real proof of the abuse.

Get the children into counseling to help them learn how to deal with this and to take it out of your hands on many levels.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

First off:

I am perfectly OK with telling the guy that if he touches the children again, you will beat this guy to a pulp.
...........................................................................
That said, children are masters at playing both sides against the middle.

Make sure the facts coming out of their little mouths are true.
..........................................................................

Oh, next time he may record your threats and have you jailed for just a string of words.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Have you talked to the kids yet - yourself? Or still taking wifey's word for it?




As soon as I speak to them it will be the first thing I tell them.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so now everything is wonderful because he gets it... right!???
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If this happened they would tell me or another adult. (Big family). They have no problem speaking up when something is not right that’s for sure. They do speak to a counselor at school.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> First off:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I believe them. He already has it in a text message. I would tell a cop standing right in front of me the exact same thing I told him. I think anyone with a child would totally get it and if not I made my bed and I will lay in it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

482 said:


> I believe them. He already has it in a text message. I would tell a cop standing right in front of me the exact same thing I told him. I think anyone with a child would totally get it and if not I made my bed and I will lay in it.


Works for me.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you are acting as a parent to these children, you have every right to react to such situations. It is simply not practical to discuss every action and reaction ahead of time. Did she discuss what she told him with you before she did so?

Not sure this is your situation, but I have seen numerous situations in which a woman encourages her new husband to be a father to her kids until there is a disagreement. Then it becomes, "They're my kids, not yours!" You are either their parent or not. I think this has to be the fundamental discussion with your wife. It doesn't mean you get to act unilaterally on anything you choose, but you have to be free to react to situations using your best judgement for the welfare of the kids. The two of you will never agree on all things, but if she trusts you she should be able to respect your decision making process. 

As far as the threats go, I can't really fault you for that. It's not the best idea intellectually, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do and suffer the consequences. Call it the price of being a man. At least the way I define a man. Don't expect the average woman to understand this. Or an increasing number of "men" running around these days.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

zookeeper said:


> If you are acting as a parent to these children, you have every right to react to such situations. It is simply not practical to discuss every action and reaction ahead of time. Did she discuss what she told him with you before she did so?
> 
> Not sure this is your situation, but I have seen numerous situations in which a woman encourages her new husband to be a father to her kids until there is a disagreement. Then it becomes, "They're my kids, not yours!" You are either their parent or not. I think this has to be the fundamental discussion with your wife. It doesn't mean you get to act unilaterally on anything you choose, but you have to be free to react to situations using your best judgement for the welfare of the kids. The two of you will never agree on all things, but if she trusts you she should be able to respect your decision making process.
> 
> As far as the threats go, I can't really fault you for that. It's not the best idea intellectually, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do and suffer the consequences. Call it the price of being a man. At least the way I define a man. Don't expect the average woman to understand this. Or an increasing number of "men" running around these days.


This is a great point she did not talk to me first before discussing this with him. She did call me as soon as she found out before anyone else because she was completely overwhelmed. It was a chaotic moment. I was at work and she was going to her families house where the kids were. The kids were letting everyone know what happened and not wanting to go there at all. Sometimes I get that "these are my kids" vibe but not often and that may just be me. She is open about the fact that she wants me to parent right along with her. We have agreed to disagree about how I reacted to this issue. She "still hates me" but "loves me too" lol. Also she said she does not agree and probably never will but she understands my need to do what I feel I need to do. She said she would bail me out. :smile2:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ILoveSparkles said:


> You have said that if it happens again you'll do something (whether with your fists - which is the stupidest thing you could do) or call CPS.
> 
> How do you know it's not happened again? Maybe it's happened before and you don't know? He knows that someone told you about him which could mean serious trouble for the person he suspects.
> 
> You don't know everything that goes on with that family and you never will. If you become physical, it's just going to end badly for you and those kids won't have anyone to help them - which you need to be doing now legally NOW not waiting "until the next time" maybe that time could be fatal or life-changing for those kids. You can't help if the "next time happens".... Maybe that has already happened.


This is why YOU have to talk to the kids, alone, and let them know you will protect them, and ask them to come to you if something else happens.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

WTF????? "Grabbed him and THREW him around"

WTF???? "KICKED him"

WTF????? "Hinted at at doing the SAME to daughter"!!!!

She thinks he would never actually HURT them?? He just did!!

She wants to talk him to DEATH to fix this???? That just could happen, to either her or the kids. !!!

WTF???? The next day the kids were SCARED to go with him!!!!


WTF man!!!!

Doesn't matter WHAT your wife says or thinks, if you don't report this, you're responsible if he puts them in the hospital or kills them. Because you KNOW, and aren't reporting his ass!!

I'm a member of a crime forum, you don't want to know how often the second beating brings them to the brink of death, and sometimes death!

How the hell can she look the other way when he kicked her son??!! I'll say it again .... WTF????

Forget about being macho and don't touch him, he's not worth it, it's not worth jail, and these kids need you dammit!!

Be a man and call and report him, or take him to the doctors and let the doctor report him and you back the doctor up. 

Holy Hell!!!!




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

AND he's an alcoholic I believe you said ... and he could very well lose it one day, no matter WHAT he says to her!!

If you only realized how far into their life this will affect them, further than you'll ever know, and they could turn around and do the same thing to their children. 

DO SOMETHING!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> WTF????? "Grabbed him and THREW him around"
> 
> WTF???? "KICKED him"
> 
> ...


Thanks for your comments. When I say she thinks he would never hurt them I mean she is confident this is over. We have talked about it a lot. I don't feel as though me going over my wife's head and reporting him is a wise decision but I respect your opinion. If I did do nothing I would feel horrible if anything ever happened to them. That is why I let him know what to expect if there is ever any issue in the future. She also let him know he will lose the kids. If anything ever happens between my wife's actions (police involved, cps involved, him losing visitation) and my actions (I will beat the living **** out of him) Id say that would be the end of that. Its ok if I'm in jail the kids will no longer be with him and she will bail me out. Do I wish it would happen now, a little bit. I just hope the guy realizes the severity of the situation and makes the right decisions moving forward. I would prefer the kids have a healthy relationship with their father because I know that is what she wants.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@482 did you recently get married?

In your thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/371705-struggling-man-looking-advice.html from March, you mention your *girlfriend* of 9 months at the time getting pregnant, and then sadly miscarrying. You also mention that you split up for 3 months after that and have only been back together since July? 

Assuming that this is not your wife but your _girlfriend_(who you've only just recently gotten back together with after a 3 months hiatus) I think you overstepped your boundaries threatening the ex husband. I think it's wonderful that you feel so close to her children, but you've essentially only been in their lives for 1 year and 3 months total? and by the sounds of it, the relationship hasn't been smooth sailing. I mean, she moved out for 3 months only returning this summer. 

It's okay to be vocal about your thoughts with her, in privacy, but don't go messing with her ex-husband. You could be giving him fodder to use against her in a custody battle.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Lila said:


> @482 did you recently get married?
> 
> In your thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ion/371705-struggling-man-looking-advice.html from March, you mention your *girlfriend* of 9 months at the time getting pregnant, and then sadly miscarrying. You also mention that you split up for 3 months after that and have only been back together since July?
> 
> ...


No flies on you, lol. :smile2: I call her my wife we are not yet married. Im sure she will be one day if she plays her cards right :wink2: We did split up for 3 months, I moved out. Boundaries were crossed and I do not budge on them. Things are much better now. I may have overstepped but I just had to do something. She has not once yet said she things I overstepped just that she was not happy about the way I went about it.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

482 said:


> No flies on you, lol. :smile2: I call her my wife we are not yet married. Im sure she will be one day if she plays her cards right :wink2: We did split up for 3 months, I moved out. Boundaries were crossed and I do not budge on them. Things are much better now. I may have overstepped but I just had to do something. She has not once yet said she things I overstepped just that she was not happy about the way I went about it.


I totally get that you felt like you had to do something but don't let the anger you felt on behalf of your girlfriend's kids possibly jeopardize their custody arrangement. 

You seem to be very much in love with her but the fact remains that you've been dating less than a year (not counting the 3 where you were broken up). Your girlfriend may not think you overstepped but her ex may, and that's who you need to worry about. All he sees is "her new live in boyfriend", a.k.a. the flavor of the month. Don't give him ammo.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

When posting for advice, try to be accurate. You're not married so don't call her your wife. You can call dog crap blueberry pie all you like but that don't make it so. This is a material fact in the story.

If you're just dating this woman, the you are a little out of place flexing your muscles with the kids' father. Report it if you think it's a problem.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Just being her boyfriend for a year changes the whole dynamic. 

The fact that you've already have gotten the you're not their father vibe, maybe you should reevaluate if you want to be with a woman with baby daddy issues. 

More power to you if you can stomach the delicate balance that is required in such a relationship. It's really tough. I've seen a few guys in real life waste years of their life giving their heart to single moms and pumping their resources in helping her to only get discarded for what appeared to be trivial matters.

BTW: Do you have kids of your own? or do you hope to have any?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

482 said:


> Thanks for your comments. When I say she thinks he would never hurt them I mean she is confident this is over. We have talked about it a lot. I don't feel as though me going over my wife's head and reporting him is a wise decision but I respect your opinion. If I did do nothing I would feel horrible if anything ever happened to them. That is why I let him know what to expect if there is ever any issue in the future. She also let him know he will lose the kids. If anything ever happens between my wife's actions (police involved, cps involved, him losing visitation) and my actions (I will beat the living **** out of him) Id say that would be the end of that. Its ok if I'm in jail the kids will no longer be with him and she will bail me out. Do I wish it would happen now, a little bit. I just hope the guy realizes the severity of the situation and makes the right decisions moving forward. I would prefer the kids have a healthy relationship with their father because I know that is what she wants.



An abuser doesn't stop being an abuser just because someone has asked them to stop.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> When posting for advice, try to be accurate. You're not married so don't call her your wife. You can call dog crap blueberry pie all you like but that don't make it so. This is a material fact in the story.
> 
> If you're just dating this woman, the you are a little out of place flexing your muscles with the kids' father. Report it if you think it's a problem.


I agree, its weird lying about something so important. Have you actually asked her to marry you?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

482 said:


> No flies on you, lol. :smile2: I call her my wife we are not yet married. Im sure she will be one day if she plays her cards right :wink2: We did split up for 3 months, I moved out. Boundaries were crossed and I do not budge on them. Things are much better now. I may have overstepped but I just had to do something. She has not once yet said she things I overstepped just that she was not happy about the way I went about it.



Good you aren't married. Don't marry her. Seriously. SHE should be raining hellfire and brimstone on her POS ex. And by hellfire and brimstone, I mean she should have been furious and used every means at her disposal to protect her kids from the POS alcoholic abusive father she gave them. Instead, she says a few harsh words and lets it basically slide. Leave her and her Baby Daddy drama and find yourself a decent woman capable of actually protecting her kids. This isn't the kind of creature you want for the mother of your children. She's a piss poor mother to the ones she has.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, its weird lying about something so important. Have you actually asked her to marry you?




I call her my wife. Not just on this forum but to her also. I have not asked her yet that will take some time. I do tell her all the time she is going to be my wife so get used to the idea, she loves that. I did not realize it was such a big deal to everyone (so sensitive) it will be gf from now on in the forums.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Good you aren't married. Don't marry her. Seriously. SHE should be raining hellfire and brimstone on her POS ex. And by hellfire and brimstone, I mean she should have been furious and used every means at her disposal to protect her kids from the POS alcoholic abusive father she gave them. Instead, she says a few harsh words and lets it basically slide. Leave her and her Baby Daddy drama and find yourself a decent woman capable of actually protecting her kids. This isn't the kind of creature you want for the mother of your children. She's a piss poor mother to the ones she has.




Thank you for your comments but I’m sure a decision as big as marriage I will have to make myself based on everything I know about her not just one thing. She was married to this POS for over 10 years and feels she is doing the right thing.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

jsmart said:


> Just being her boyfriend for a year changes the whole dynamic.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks. I do have a daughter of my own, no more for me.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

482 said:


> I call her my wife. Not just on this forum but to her also. I have not asked her yet that will take some time. I do tell her all the time she is going to be my wife so get used to the idea, she loves that. I did not realize it was such a big deal to everyone (so sensitive)
> 
> You can call her what you like but she isnt your wife. Why lie?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

482, it's just that not being legally married can have a huge effect - for good or ill - on the advice we give you. For instance, if you chose to take the kids and live somewhere else to protect them, you would have no grounds to do so. Even married, you have LITTLE legal grounds to do so, unless you've legally adopted them, but at least you're legally her spouse.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

If I knew a relative, friend, or even a stranger ... THREW AND KICKED a child, I'd STILL report it!

Married or not, you have NO excuse not to report the abuse. 

If you choose not to, there's nothing more to say. And I think it's horrible that you won't. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

482,
I'm with you on protecting your girlfriend's kids, and think the Ex more than likely does need a little roughing up, but wanted to make 2 points.
1) If she decides to break up with you, you have no say about those kids, as in you would never see or talk to them again if that is what she chose. That being said, I'd say you do owe her a heads up on getting yourself involved. Not saying you shouldn't get involved, just let her know beforehand even if she disagrees because in the end they are her and his kids.

2) You seem to be under the impression that a little jail time would be your only repercussion of doling out an asswhippin'. Now that you've given him the heads up why wouldn't he be prepared? I would, and I think most anyone else would as well. This ain't high school anymore. Be smart. You've already set yourself up for an assault charge don't double down and get yourself ventilated on top of that.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> 482,
> I'm with you on protecting your girlfriend's kids, and think the Ex more than likely does need a little roughing up, but wanted to make 2 points.
> 1) If she decides to break up with you, you have no say about those kids, as in you would never see or talk to them again if that is what she chose. That being said, I'd say you do owe her a heads up on getting yourself involved. Not saying you shouldn't get involved, just let her know beforehand even if she disagrees because in the end they are her and his kids.
> 
> 2) You seem to be under the impression that a little jail time would be your only repercussion of doling out an asswhippin'. Now that you've given him the heads up why wouldn't he be prepared? I would, and I think most anyone else would as well. This ain't high school anymore. Be smart. You've already set yourself up for an assault charge don't double down and get yourself ventilated on top of that.


Valid point thanks for your comments. 

Looking back on it I probably should have talked to her first but I can see where that may have went wrong. She would have done her best to have me do nothing and try and keep the peace. I would have been angry about that and would have let the resentment build for saying nothing. Or I would have had to do it anyway after she asked me not to. At least this way she was mad for a bit but she does not have to feel like I did exactly what she asked me to do. Also if something did happen and I never said anything I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

I guess he could be prepared, I would be. He could hire a full time body guard. I don't think he's ever held a gun or has the balls to use one on another person. I shoot every weekend but I would never use one. I'm not that concerned about it. Im mean I'm no Jean-Claude Van Damme but I think if he pulled a gun on me I would end up beating him with it. I truly believe only a ***** does things like he did so that is what he is in my eyes. Also I think that my message and lack of communication thereafter will always be in the back of his mind, reminding him to do whats right. I can totally understand where your coming from with your message but I will have to deal with whatever consequences come my way as a result of this. You did make me think twice about where though so thank you.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

turnera said:


> 482, it's just that not being legally married can have a huge effect - for good or ill - on the advice we give you. For instance, if you chose to take the kids and live somewhere else to protect them, you would have no grounds to do so. Even married, you have LITTLE legal grounds to do so, unless you've legally adopted them, but at least you're legally her spouse.


I get it, GF from now on in the forums


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> 482 said:
> 
> 
> > I call her my wife. Not just on this forum but to her also. I have not asked her yet that will take some time. I do tell her all the time she is going to be my wife so get used to the idea, she loves that. I did not realize it was such a big deal to everyone (so sensitive)
> ...


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

See I don't get this, those of you who are saying even if they're not together he has no right to the children, maybe he has no personal involvement, but if he knows a child has been thrown kicked and hit, and that child tells him and has bruises, he STILL should be telling the authorities!

If you guys started reading the crime forum and see how often children end up dead because no one wanted to get involved, you'd change your mind!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Still waiting for the kid's point of view of what happened... =/

What's taking so long OP?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dianaelaine59 said:


> See I don't get this, those of you who are saying even if they're not together he has no right to the children, maybe he has no personal involvement, but if he knows a child has been thrown kicked and hit, and that child tells him and has bruises, he STILL should be telling the authorities!
> 
> If you guys started reading the crime forum and see how often children end up dead because no one wanted to get involved, you'd change your mind!
> 
> ...


We completely understand what you're saying. But we've been around long enough to understand that the LEGAL SYSTEM dictates where the kids end up.

Yes, you can report it to CPS. That doesn't mean you get the outcome you expected.

I dealt with CPS. My evil stepmother reported us. CPS went out to meet our daughter in 2nd grade. They clearly saw there was nothing wrong with her and dismissed the case. But they still had to visit, do a report, and, if finding anything out of the ordinary, REMOVE the child. So one must be careful in such situations.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

So if your kids are telling everyone about what happened, expect a teacher or the counselor to be told too. Both are mandatory reporters to CPS and will call them. I don't think CPS is going to look too kindly on your girlfriend for doing nothing while her ex grabs the kid by his neck, throws him, and kicks him. They will not accept "but he said he would never do it again twice!" as an excuse. They will rip her a new one for this too.

Also, you KNOW that this is wrong. You KNOW that the correct thing to do is to alert the authorities now especially since it has happened twice but you are ALLOWING yourself to be talked into doing the wrong thing by your girlfriend because you are AFRAID of what effect this will have on your relationship of barely a year. Good people stand up and do the right thing even when there are consequences and even if it pisses others off. Doing the right thing isn't always easy. This moment in your life is a very clear test and you are failing it.

Abusers who put their hands on the necks of their victims and attempt to choke them are seven times more likely to accidentally kill them. Neither you nor your girlfriend know for sure what will happen the next time he is drunk around her kids. You do not have a crystal ball and you cannot predict the future. You can only go off of the words of a drunk, abusive POS and some how both of you accept his word as gospel and don't question it. That says a lot about both of your rational thinking skills combined. If the absolute worst case scenario happens and he accidentally kills that little boy either by choking him or by knocking him into something hard that he hits his head and it causes a brain bleed, will you be able to sleep at night knowing you could have prevented this today? Will your girlfriend sleep at night knowing she trusted her son's murderer over him, you, and everyone who would or could tell her that she was sending this child to the wolves? If not, make the call yourself and let the chips fall where ever they may.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Still waiting for the kid's point of view of what happened... =/
> 
> 
> 
> What's taking so long OP?




The kids point of view is the only one I believe. It’s exactly like my original post describes.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What did THEY say exactly? Exactly - please


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> What did THEY say exactly? Exactly - please



This time
The boy said the father grabbed him and threw him to the ground. When he was on the ground he kicked him. He also said he made a fist and gestured to the daughter he was going to hit her but did not. The daughter agrees this is what happened.

Last time
What happened before is that he grabs him by the back of the neck and takes him somewhere when he is acting up. This made him uncomfortable enough to mention it to other family members.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

nekonamida said:


> So if your kids are telling everyone about what happened, expect a teacher or the counselor to be told too. Both are mandatory reporters to CPS and will call them. I don't think CPS is going to look too kindly on your girlfriend for doing nothing while her ex grabs the kid by his neck, throws him, and kicks him. They will not accept "but he said he would never do it again twice!" as an excuse. They will rip her a new one for this too.
> 
> Also, you KNOW that this is wrong. You KNOW that the correct thing to do is to alert the authorities now especially since it has happened twice but you are ALLOWING yourself to be talked into doing the wrong thing by your girlfriend because you are AFRAID of what effect this will have on your relationship of barely a year. Good people stand up and do the right thing even when there are consequences and even if it pisses others off. Doing the right thing isn't always easy. This moment in your life is a very clear test and you are failing it.
> 
> Abusers who put their hands on the necks of their victims and attempt to choke them are seven times more likely to accidentally kill them. Neither you nor your girlfriend know for sure what will happen the next time he is drunk around her kids. You do not have a crystal ball and you cannot predict the future. You can only go off of the words of a drunk, abusive POS and some how both of you accept his word as gospel and don't question it. That says a lot about both of your rational thinking skills combined. If the absolute worst case scenario happens and he accidentally kills that little boy either by choking him or by knocking him into something hard that he hits his head and it causes a brain bleed, will you be able to sleep at night knowing you could have prevented this today? Will your girlfriend sleep at night knowing she trusted her son's murderer over him, you, and everyone who would or could tell her that she was sending this child to the wolves? If not, make the call yourself and let the chips fall where ever they may.




Amen and AMEN!!!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

482 said:


> This time
> The boy said the father grabbed him and threw him to the ground. When he was on the ground he kicked him. He also said he made a fist and gestured to the daughter he was going to hit her but did not. The daughter agrees this is what happened.
> 
> Last time
> What happened before is that he grabs him by the back of the neck and takes him somewhere when he is acting up. This made him uncomfortable enough to mention it to other family members.




Right! And you're not doing anything about this????

Next time it could be his son hits his head on the table and dies .... or maybe becomes paralyzed. 

Or his daughter is kicked and has internal bleeding. 

But that's ok ... cause you don't want to lose your girlfriend. 




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

482 said:


> Your right I need to chill out sometimes. Its up to her if she wants to get cps involved about this I only know one form of justice. When this happens I just lose it in a "I'll just take the charge to end this" state of mind. I turn into a bull in the china shop. Jail would kind of screw up my job but at least he would know ill be out soon and he could expect another beating if he hurt the kids in any way.


No, this is not how it works. What would happen is that you would have a restraining order against you and if you went near him again you’d be back in jail. You would also be seen as the violent man and a danger to the children. The father, who is actually the violent man, would be seen as a victim and it would enable him to become more abusive. You would be doing him a favor by trying to teach him a lesson.

The mother cannot simply withdraw visitation. She would be in violation of a legal agreement or a court order and it could make matters worse. The children should have immediately been taken to the ER for evaluation and the abuse reported. She obviously doesn’t have the children’s best interests at heart if she’s being so cavalier about this serious abuse.

If you are going to help your girlfriend protect her children, you will need to help her formulate a plan to help them. I cannot imagine marrying someone who is so dysfunctional and doesn’t even understand her basic parental responsibilities.

It’s not about when he might really hurt these children. He has already “really hurt” them. They are in danger of being further hurt. If something isn’t done to protect them, they will form methods to protect themselves or escape. They will carry these methods with them into adulthood. This could like anything from physically running away, to becoming violent, or escaping reality with drugs and alcohol.

All people who are physical abusers are also emotional abusers. These children are definitely being emotionally and verbally abused right now. The damage from that will cause them to go into self-protection mode or escape mode like I mentioned above.

Right now these kids need to be shown what healthy relationships look like and that those who are in authority over them are committed to making sure they are safe and healthy. Quite frankly, your response about wanting to beat up their dad is neither safe nor healthy. It only increases the layers of dysfunction.

As others have said, take him to the doctor. He was kicked. He could have internal injuries. He should be evaluated by a doctor and a police report should be filed. It’s not too late. I would force this issue and let your girlfriend know that if she doesn’t do something to properly take care of her children that the relationship cannot continue. If she doesn’t get this under control now, there will be hell to pay when these kids get to be a bit older and you will be dealing with that if you marry this dysfunctional, weak woman.



482 said:


> Well she spoke to him about this and she feels everything is ok. She let him know that if anything like this ever happens again she will get cps and the police involved and he will no longer see his kids. She said he seems to get it, understands the severity, and agreed this will never happen again. In addition I hold my position on this issue. He knows what to expect if he ****s up again. She also knows it and is going to have to learn to agree to disagree with me. I told her I hope it never comes to that but if it does he's going to get whats coming to him. By the sounds of things that would be loss of his kids with cps and police involved and a beating.


This is ridiculous. It is imperative for the well-being of the children that something is done. I know that you cannot make her do anything, but you can tell her that you are not going to sit idly by while this issue is not being properly addressed, so you are going to call CPS if she refuses to deal with this appropriately.
The children cannot have a healthy relationship with their father, because their father is an abusive, unhealthy person. Saying you want them to have a healthy relationship with their father implies that is even possible. It isn’t. They can be healthy despite their father, but don’t expect the relationship to be healthy. By the way, they don’t have a healthy relationship with their mother either, because their mother is enabling abuse and is clueless about how to make her children safe. At least you're in a position to do something appropriate about it. So do it and stop making stupid excuses for why you won't step up to the plate and contact the school counselor and CPS if your girlfriend won't.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP you've gotten a lot of good advice.

Those kids have been hurt twice; it's escalating. 

Your GF has a serious deficiency somewhere in her judgement. I suspect that she lived in an abusive environment as a kid herself. She is reacting like a kid who is going to try to "manage" and "avoid conflict/getting him angry" as a survival tactic. Her kids need her to stand up for them. Those child-like strategies are going to keep her kids in an environment where they are high risk for more harm and possibly death. In the US, 5 kids die from abuse daily. https://americanspcc.org/child-abuse-statistics/

Cynthia's post is so on-target. Please get the kids to a doctor for a check-up, just to be sure. 

As long as you didn't actually harm the guy, I honestly have no problem with you threatening him. You put him on alert. But as noted, it has to stop here. Go through legal routes from here on. Your GF might not have the wherewithal at this time. You might need to be the adult.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

482 said:


> I call her my wife. Not just on this forum but to her also. I have not asked her yet that will take some time. I do tell her all the time she is going to be my wife so get used to the idea, she loves that. I did not realize it was such a big deal to everyone (so sensitive) it will be gf from now on in the forums.


It's a big deal for many reasons. The legal structure of a relationship matters. In this case it matters a lot. Your the boyfriend. You have zero legal say about anything to do with her children. This is something that you need to come to realize and come to terms with. Even less than if you were married. And if you were married, you still have zero legal rights with her children. 

This is something that I dealt with as a step parents with children whose mother was a huge problem. And believe me, the courts and police will side with the parents over your regardless of what is going on. This is because you are what is called a 'legal stranger' to the children.

Did you say that your threat to their father is on his phone? Did you sent it via text message?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dianaelaine59 said:


> If I knew a relative, friend, or even a stranger ... THREW AND KICKED a child, I'd STILL report it!
> 
> Married or not, you have NO excuse not to report the abuse.
> 
> If you choose not to, there's nothing more to say. And I think it's horrible that you won't.


No one is telling him to not report the abuse. Many here have actually told him to report it. But he does not want to do that. He's the one who said he does not wan to report it.

What people are telling him is that he has no legal standing with the children. This can be a very important issue.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

482 said:


> This time
> The boy said the father grabbed him and threw him to the ground. When he was on the ground he kicked him. He also said he made a fist and gestured to the daughter he was going to hit her but did not. The daughter agrees this is what happened.
> 
> Last time
> What happened before is that he grabs him by the back of the neck and takes him somewhere when he is acting up. This made him uncomfortable enough to mention it to other family members.


No I meant what the kids say about their dad's "apparent" apology after the beating. Your wife/girlfriend said they talked to the kids, however I don't trust her nor do I trust the dad.

You should talk to them yourself, find out what's happened in the aftermath, don't talk their word for it.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> No I meant what the kids say about their dad's "apparent" apology after the beating. Your wife/girlfriend said they talked to the kids, however I don't trust her nor do I trust the dad.
> 
> You should talk to them yourself, find out what's happened in the aftermath, don't talk their word for it.


They said they talked about it with their father. An agreement was made that it would be a hands free house from that point on. They said they feel comfortable with the discussion and resolution. They also know they can call me anytime something is not right.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

"They said they talked about it with their father. An agreement was made that it would be a hands free house from that point on. They said they feel comfortable with the discussion and resolution. They also know they can call me anytime something is not right."


You DO know alcohol changes all that????


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

They shouldn't be calling you. They should call 911 and have the police deal with it. This has gone on long enough. If (when) it happens again, they should be instructed to call 911.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> They shouldn't be calling you. They should call 911 and have the police deal with it. This has gone on long enough. If (when) it happens again, they should be instructed to call 911.


I understand where you are coming from. I just want them to know I'm here for them if they need someone they can trust to come get them out of a bad situation.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

482 said:


> I understand where you are coming from. I just want them to know I'm here for them if they need someone they can trust to come get them out of a bad situation.


Yes, they do need someone to be there for them, since so far that hasn't actually happened. Instructing them that it is appropriate to call 911 and tell the police if their parent is harming them is being there for them. These kids need tools more than words right now. 

Words matter, but they have to be backed up with action.


----------



## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I don't think he's getting it. 

They've already been hurt, they've already been kicked, they've already been thrown. 

And no one's done anything about it, as a matter fact they want them to go back to their father. 

They already know that they can't depend on anyone to take care of what's already happened to them. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Both parents are at fault here. The father who is abusing the kids and the mother who isn't protecting her children. OP's position in this is that he is close to what's happening and close to the children, but he doesn't want to rock the boat with the mother, because she might end the relationship.

These children deserve better than this. They deserve to be safe whether it means that you, OP, lose your relationship with their mother or not. Physical violence against the father is not the answer. It would deepen the problem.

The children are not safe with their father. He has already hurt them physically and is undoubtedly hurting them emotionally on a continuing basis. The children need tools to deal with the situation. If their mother isn't going to step in, OP should tell the kids to call 911 if the father ever throws one of them down or kicks them or otherwise gets angry and is physically violent towards them. Even if he gets angry and they are in fear that he will hurt them, they should call 911.

The school counselor at the very least should be informed of all of this.

If the mother is angry that you have stepped in to protect the children, so be it. You do what you can and if she breaks up with you, it's over. If you do end up broken up from their mom, you will no longer have access to the children and if you break that no-contact the mother will have the ability to get a restraining order against you if you don't comply. This is a real possibility and another reason why the school counselor needs to know and why the kids need to know that it is perfectly fine for them to call 911 is they are threatened with physical violence or if they are assaulted by their father.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> Both parents are at fault here. The father who is abusing the kids and the mother who isn't protecting her children. OP's position in this is that he is close to what's happening and close to the children, but he doesn't want to rock the boat with the mother, because she might end the relationship.
> 
> These children deserve better than this. They deserve to be safe whether it means that you, OP, lose your relationship with their mother or not. Physical violence against the father is not the answer. It would deepen the problem.
> 
> ...


I understand your opinion on this. It has nothing to do with our relationship ending. It has everything to do with respecting her judgement on this issue and what she thinks is best taking everything into account. She was married to him for a long time and honestly thinks this will never happen again given what has taken place. Also this is her children, that she loves, it would be kind of screwed up to go behind her back and report this wether we are together or not. If NOTHING was being done about it then yes I could understand that but that is not what has happened here. It also has to do with what I think was best. Him getting the fear of beating from me and the fear of losing his kids from her and many others in his family including his own mother may be all that it takes. All this has never happened before. They know they can call me if they need help with anything, that is a tool. They could also call the cops.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Will YOU call the cops if it happens again?


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

turnera said:


> Will YOU call the cops if it happens again?



100% right after I kick the **** out of him. She would also


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am not suggesting you do this behind her back. It's important to be upfront about it, but doing it without her permission isn't the same as going behind her back. It's doing what you believe is your personal responsibility whether she likes it or not.

Normally I believe in mutual agreement, but not when someone's safety is at stake, especially when that someone is a little kid.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, and it's also illegal not to report child abuse.


----------

