# has your ex ever came back ?



## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine. 

I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?

I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you think you will actually get an apology I think your going to be highly disappointed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

They always come back is a myth.

Infidelity isn’t a mistake but a choice. It’s who they are.
Ive seen maybe 3 true reconciliations since I’ve been here. 
From what I’ve seen most who do try and come back are just looking for a soft spot to land.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I don't expect an apology ... damn it'd be nice though


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> They always come back is a myth.
> 
> Infidelity isn’t a mistake but a choice. It’s who they are.
> Ive seen maybe 3 true reconciliations since I’ve been here.
> From what I’ve seen most who do try and come back are just looking for a soft spot to land.


3 out of how many ?


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Mine tried to come back. 

Tried.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Very rare that a wayward admits what they did was wrong. I think WW in particular do not have empathy for the destruction they leave behind. I’ve read and spoken to men who completely F’d up and come around to admit and try to make up for the destruction they caused , even if it’s just to give closure to the wife they betrayed what they have done to their family. I have also seen the exact opposite from women. There seems to be an inability to self reflect and admit fault. When there is admission, it always seems to come with a caveat of a cause outside of themselves.

So I advise that you move forward to a new life and empower yourself with your own closure. Your future will be as bright as you put in the effort to make it so.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Arkansas said:


> 3 out of how many ?


Since 2015/16 when I came on here. Not to mention repeated infidelity is not uncommon even if they come back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most betrayed are in shock and just want them back without thinking about what they’d be getting back.
Way too many live on hopium for an extended time.
Limbo is self inflicted.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I got a very brief apology as my ex-husband was walking out the door for the last time but it meant nothing (and changed nothing) at that point. The damage was done and an apology didn’t help. Most cheaters aren’t really concerned about the feelings of others so my advice is don’t give it a thought.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

jsmart said:


> So I advise that you move forward to a new life and empower yourself with your own closure. Your future will be as bright as you put in the effort to make it so.


Oh I know .... but the funny thing is .... I'm the kind or person who is big on personal responsibility. We make ourselves who we want to be right and value of self comes from within and all that stuff

But dammit if too often I don't have that creeping feeling of worthlessness from what my wife (vows, faith, trust) did and her throwing me in the trash. Sure, I know its her loss, I know my value .... but its so weird how it still creeps into my mind


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Arkansas said:


> Oh I know .... but the funny thing is .... I'm the kind or person who is big on personal responsibility. We make ourselves who we want to be right and value of self comes from within and all that stuff
> 
> But dammit if too often I don't have that creeping feeling of worthlessness from what my wife (vows, faith, trust) did and her throwing me in the trash. Sure, I know its her loss, I know my value .... but its so weird how it still creeps into my mind


You seem to hang onto a fantasy of maybe that’s not really her.

Bud, if it wasn’t who she is she wouldn’t have trashed and dumped you would she? Infidelity doesn’t just happen.

My sister was a wayward. Before she went to church, taught Sunday school, etc. Her wayward thinking never changed. Years later once the mask had slipped off she’s never been sorry, etc. Her husband was a decent guy. I grew up with him.

See what is versus what you want to see.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

You mention that most don’t think cheating is the cheaters fault? Uh not here. Most of us will tell you that cheating is 100% the cheaters fault. Never shoulder any of that blame yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

there really is no rule or circumstance when they will return, if they even do....most as you noted will revise their history to make them be the victim others will just suppress those feelings until they disappear, and there is that small very small group that will actually step up and have a cathartic moment when they come to grips with the impact they did to their ex. Usually when they become the victim of the new person cheating on them. 

in any case some of the best stories i have heard is when the betrayed spouse finds someone new and better than their cheating spouse and are truly happy that drives the cheater crazy and they try to find a way back in your life.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mine tries weekly


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Ex-wife apologized when she was given an assignment from a seminar she was taking. I believe the seminar was run by a group similar to EST or Lifespring. I didn't buy it but I let her spew out her "apology." But over the years she has gone back to blame-shifting and a complete revision of what happened in our marriage. She was simply terrible so I can see her motivation to do this mind dance in order to live with herself. She desperately tried to maintain a friendship (we share a son). I ultimately had a limited friendship with her. But decades later she began badmouthing me out of the blue to family and friends. I have gone no contact because our son is now an adult and there is no reason to have her in my life. She has done ok for herself. She is in a long-term marriage but some of us suspect she has cheated on her new husband. She has kept her AP in her life to this day, decades after we split up.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Even if she did come back, why would you want her to?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> Infidelity isn’t a mistake but a choice.


Another profundity right there.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Arkansas said:


> I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine.
> 
> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?
> 
> I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


Sorry you're having a low point, I've certainly had my share of those for similar reasons. I agree that cheaters can't/won't admit to wrongdoing, why would they? Everyone likes to be the hero in their own story, no one likes to admit to shortcomings and failure, especially when it's that ugly. 

Obviously, you're not trash (you new lady ain't a trash collector), so stop thinking of yourself that way. Would you _want_ her to come back, even for an ego boost? What kind of ego boost would that be, really? I don't know, but I'm not the least bit flattered by attention from people with no morals or ethics. You're doing great, keep on keeping on!



Arkansas said:


> Oh I know .... but the funny thing is .... I'm the kind or person who is big on personal responsibility. We make ourselves who we want to be right and value of self comes from within and all that stuff
> 
> But dammit if too often I don't have that creeping feeling of worthlessness from what my wife (vows, faith, trust) did and her throwing me in the trash. Sure, I know its her loss, I know my value .... but its so weird how it still creeps into my mind


Totally get this! I am a big believer that actions and choices make you who you are, talk is cheap. Loyalty and fidelity are rare and worthy, faithlessness is cheap and tawdry, _you_ are the prize.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Arkansas said:


> I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine.
> 
> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?
> 
> I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


You're better off getting a dog.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Not coming back because she is 'happily' married to Sancho, and I would never consider taking her back anyway. But, my cheating ex recently told our daughter that her actions that destroyed our family were the biggest regret of her life. Dumbass.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

oh no, I'd never take her back ... she is the type of person now I avoid and have nothing to do with (lying, cheating, manipulating etc)

I guess I was just curious how many cheater that destroy their marriages and lives admit they were wrong and try to reconcile? I wouldn't ever take her back - but if she tried I admit I'd feel a bit pleased she realized what she lost


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Arkansas said:


> oh no, I'd never take her back ... she is the type of person now I avoid and have nothing to do with (lying, cheating, manipulating etc)
> 
> I guess I was just curious how many cheater that destroy their marriages and lives admit they were wrong and try to reconcile? I wouldn't ever take her back - but if she tried I admit I'd feel a bit pleased she realized what she lost


She will not return to apologize to you nor will she ever recognize what she lost.

She will return to you if she wants or needs something from you. Should she learn you are happier without her she may make an appearance. If you have a lotto strike you can definitely expect her to return with an out stretched hand.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i think that to live with themselves, cheaters make up in their mind how the faithful spouse did horrible things to them. things that MADE THEM HAVE TO CHEAT.
it is of course all self delusional bull, but they really believe it, since they keep playing that mind movie over and over in their heads.

So, unless they suddenly found a therapist that opened their eyes, or took some LSD and instant karma opened their minds....they are not coming back. to come back, they would have to call into question all that made up bull in their brains


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

OP wasn't looking for an apology, he asked simply if X has tried to come back. 
In my case, yes, Exorcist tried when she realized grass wasn't greener. Heck, there wasn't even any grass on the other side. Twas a mirage..

I couldn't be happier, new wife is younger, hotter, NICER , loyal and a happy partner..
Plus she blessed me w two awesome boys.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Arkansas said:


> oh no, I'd never take her back ... she is the type of person now I avoid and have nothing to do with (lying, cheating, manipulating etc)
> 
> I guess I was just curious how many cheater that destroy their marriages and lives admit they were wrong and try to reconcile? I wouldn't ever take her back - but if she tried I admit I'd feel a bit pleased she realized what she lost


An apology from most would probably be looking to get something for them. Most don’t give a **** about anyone but themselves l


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> Not coming back because she is 'happily' married to Sancho, and I would never consider taking her back anyway. But, my cheating ex recently told our daughter that her actions that destroyed our family were the biggest regret of her life. Dumbass.


Now I can't get Santeria out of my head


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Arkansas said:


> I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine.
> 
> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?
> 
> I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


I think when they do come back it's not usually because they are actually remorseful but only because they need to use that person for something and that's something is usually financial or sexual or has to do with wanting to get out of some custody responsibility or something.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Dude, after what you've been through, surly you don't want that skank to come back, do you?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Do what I do. If your EX ever calls you have whatever woman you are with answer the phone. Works every time!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> i think that to live with themselves, cheaters make up in their mind how the faithful spouse did horrible things to them. things that MADE THEM HAVE TO CHEAT.
> it is of course all self delusional bull, but they really believe it, since they keep playing that mind movie over and over in their heads.
> 
> So, unless they suddenly found a therapist that opened their eyes, or took some LSD and instant karma opened their minds....they are not coming back. to come back, they would have to call into question all that made up bull in their brains


Actually, they rarely do believe it, they know. It’s the story they tell other people. Maybe if they keep saying it out loud they’ll believe it. There are some cases where they really did have a terrible partner, but mostly, they know they were the lesser half.

I had a horrible and violent family member, he was the worst. Drugs, alcohol, absent father, never took her or the kids anywhere. He had a few wives, one was married to him for a few decades and she cheated and left for his childhood friend. We adored her 😣.

She adored him, but waited til she was a grandmother to finally do what she did. She has a great husband and it’s lovely to see pictures of her finally living a life. But whenever I see her she is still riddled with pain and shame. She never tried to justify what she did. She’s the only person I know who I can honestly say, has a right to justify what she did. She’s been married for 15 years now. We don’t see her kids or grandkids since the divorce. She was such a patient and good wife, if anything we should have done more for her during that terrible marriage, we all looked away.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Was married for over 20 years. My ex begged and pleaded. Once she realized the true impact to all (me, kids, her parents, siblings, friends), she lost it. BIG TIME!!! She tried to hurt herself multiple times and had to be placed into a psych hospital multiple times.

This week was the 3rd anniversary of the divorce being finalized. I have had one semi-long relationship, which was when she was really losing it, and several short term ones. Whenever she finds out that I’m no longer seeing someone, she finds a reason to come to my house, yes, that’s correct, MY HOUSE, and either hints or comes right out and asks for us to at least date, which will never happen

It took a while, but my life is great, and a great deal of credit needs to go to woman I had a semi-long relationship with.
Good Luck, and stay strong!!!
The other side is fantastic!!!!


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

My cheating ex-wife who I divorced back in the '90s gave me a half-assed apology only after our divorce was final and asked if we could date each other again. I asked her why the sudden change of heart, and apparently her boyfriend ended up throwing her under the bus when he realized his wife was going to take him to the cleaners. Yeah, she wanted me as fallback, but only on conditions. She then went on to hand me a laundry list of items she wanted me to change about myself in order for us to try again. I laughed at her, and kept laughing as I walked out her door for the last time.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Every ex I have ever had has tried to come back, even the ones that cheated. One thing to keep in mind though, if they do come back to apologize, it's not because they know they did you wrong, it's because things didn't work out for them as they would have liked. 

Closure is something you give to yourself, it's not something an apology from your wayward ex can provide for you.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Arkansas said:


> I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine.
> 
> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?
> 
> I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


Both of my x's sought to return. I don't recall an apology from either, just explanations on why they did what they did. What I realized though is an apology is a powerful chip that the betrayed person keeps in their pocket by seeking closure and acknowledgement from the wayward. 

In doing so the betrayed person keeps themselves in emotional jail waiting for something they have no control over and in doing so empowers the wayward and disempowering themselves. It's like a continuation of the humiliation and emasculation from the infidelity. It's one of the hidden costs of infidelity and few betrayed spouses even know they're actually doing it.. 

The best posture you can take is to accept and expect that no apology is even needed. If you think about it her apology will make you feel better about yourself or something akin to that. Well, remove that dynamic altogether and live your life of empowerment from within, not from external validations.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes closure is when the one left behind closes the door.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Arkansas said:


> Oh I know .... but the funny thing is .... I'm the kind or person who is big on personal responsibility. We make ourselves who we want to be right and value of self comes from within and all that stuff
> 
> But dammit if too often I don't have that creeping feeling of worthlessness from what my wife (vows, faith, trust) did and her throwing me in the trash. Sure, I know its her loss, I know my value .... *but its so weird how it still creeps into my mind*


The lady with whom you are currently living will get fed up with this nonsense at some point and jettison you. Why are you talking about this crap with her?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I guess it happens more often than I thought ?


To clarify, again, I wouldn't touch the woman today, I see her for the Demon she is. Ya'll have all kinds of colorful names for your ex's ..... I simply call mine a Demon because in my mind, Satan accepted her invitation and a Demon spawned forth.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Arkansas said:


> I had a cheating ex wife and after 24 years divorced her. She cheated in the worst ways and there was nothing nice about the divorce and I know most people say it wasn't there fault - but in this case it really wasn't mine.
> 
> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?
> 
> I'm guessing really low - I think a person's mind can't admit that much wrong and damage but maybe I'm wrong? part of this question is because my current lady says my ex will come back, I'm certain she won't. I never got a heart felt apology from the ex, it would be nice to get one I guess?


My ex was a likely cheater; but the divorce was bad and she tried to screw me over. We now have a friendly relationship since it benefits our kid.

She regrets not trying harder; you can feel that vibe (and it's been many years). It's for practical reasons (not surprising) - I'm doing very well for me and our kid while she struggles to take care of herself. She's also lonely.

But asking to come back is different due to pride and emotional distance, and I date / have my fun. Most people wouldn't suck it up and ask to come back despite all that. I think you're safe there.

Nonetheless your lady might be picking up vibes and you should respect her by minimizing contact with your ex.

Never got an apology and you won't either. Who cares?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Some have tried, especially in today's electronic world. I still get various "hey how's it going?" DMs.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Benbutton said:


> Even if she did come back, why would you want her to?


Exactly. You've moved on and she's probably the same selfish person


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Arkansas said:


> oh no, I'd never take her back ... she is the type of person now I avoid and have nothing to do with (lying, cheating, manipulating etc)
> 
> I guess I was just curious how many cheater that destroy their marriages and lives admit they were wrong and try to reconcile? I wouldn't ever take her back - but if she tried I admit I'd feel a bit pleased she realized what she lost


As you can see, they sometimes try to come back but more often than not, they do NOT come back. So even though you’re saying you wouldn’t want her back, you’re asking because a part of you wants the validation that comes from having her come back and beg. After so many years, we get it. It’s F’d up but in your case, she most likely will not come back. So please don’t pain shop. Empower yourself to know and fully embrace that you’re worthy and that you’re too good for her. Instead move forward with a goals and plans to live life as you see fit.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Arkansas said:


> I guess it happens more often than I thought ?
> 
> 
> To clarify, again, I wouldn't touch the woman today, I see her for the Demon she is. Ya'll have all kinds of colorful names for your ex's ..... I simply call mine a Demon because in my mind, Satan accepted her invitation and a Demon spawned forth.


I don't have a name for mine but I do compare her to the Titanic. Why? Because as many people went down on the Titanic as did with her.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Arkansas said:


> I was just curious - what % of people who cheat and destroy their marriages like my ex did - how many of those people realize their mistakes and come back later admitting them and maybe looking for what they threw away?


I think most importantly is how do you get to a point that you really don't care, and don't think of them much.....never minds giving a hoot about what they might do or would have....don't let them occupy time in your mind, live your life w/o them 

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## michelleM68 (Jan 22, 2011)

I think you are seeking to see if she cared that she hurt you, because you had care for her. We want people to care about us as much as we care about them. But the reality is sometimes they dont. I think they become so miserable that they can only care about themselves to change their misery. But their spouses are not always 100 responsible for their misery. It can be from childhood abuse or parental issues that were never resolved that no one can fix but a good therapist and themself.


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## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

My ex has tried to "reach out" and be friends. Ain't going to happen. Ever. I want nothing to do with her or her family and don't have to because our daughter is now an adult. 

For me the revenge will be sweet since she ended up marrying her affair partner last year. He's 70 next year she's 50 this year. At some point the balance of probabilities is that she will end up alone when he pops off.... she gets to live her choice. I am happily remarried to an amazing woman and we have a little son together with our blended family. My daughter loves her 3 brothers to bits and they her. 

Ironically I now realise that despite the awful intense pain and destruction that woman caused me and her daughter with her last PA, she actually did me a favour in the sense that I only now realise what was missing in a marriage and that was a spouse that actually loved me.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Why would anyone want to take an ex back anyways?


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Approaching the 4th anniversary of D-day. 
Ex has consistently begged to start over. Has offered anything and everything.

never gonna happen


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Arkansas said:


> I guess it happens more often than I thought ?
> 
> 
> To clarify, again, I wouldn't touch the woman today, I see her for the Demon she is. Ya'll have all kinds of colorful names for your ex's ..... I simply call mine a Demon because in my mind, Satan accepted her invitation and a Demon spawned forth.


Brother, you are mistaken. When she’s truly out of your thoughts, then you’re over her. It takes a long time. It has been 8 years since my divorce. Took me 2 to get over my cheating ex. She never came back, but seems to want to talk regularly now. When my youngest turns 18, I’ll never speak a sound to her ever again. I only do now because I have to because of my kids.
She knew me well or probably would have.

I am just in the last year or so getting over a woman I only knew for about three years. She didn’t cheat on me. She came back but the same nonsense she pulled that caused our breakup was even worse and I didn’t go back.

I had the chance to get back with my college sweetheart after about 20 years, but chose not to after seeing her for twice more.

women do come back, but they are still the same. They will still hurt you just as badly.
And your emotions you still have for them will still adversely affect your life. 

people are giving you really good advise about not letting your emotions affect your current relationship. Heed their advice.

when your ex is really out of your head, you will have no emotions of hate or love for her. She will be like a stranger to you.

good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kamstel2 said:


> Approaching the 4th anniversary of D-day.
> Ex has consistently begged to start over. Has offered anything and everything.
> 
> never gonna happen


I would have to tell the soiled contaminated WW that I was not into necrophilia, I don't have sex with dead bodies. Being you're dead to me, not going to happen. I'm one that if some other dude was with her after me, I would never go back.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Kamstel2 said:
Approaching the 4th anniversary of D-day. 
Ex has consistently begged to start over. Has offered anything and everything.

never gonna happen
I would have to tell the soiled contaminated WW that I was not into necrophilia, I don't have sex with dead bodies. Being you're dead to me, not going to happen. I'm one that if some other dude was with her after me, I would never go back.





She has lost everything since then.

She was fired from her job probably about two weeks after I confronted her, she has never regained her professional reputation in her field, a field in which everybody knows everybody. She has no relationship with my son, as far as I know, and my daughter, may talk to her very in frequently.

She has been admitted to psych hospitals numerous times, at least five or six different times.

She has begged and pleaded for any type of relationship at all. Including some really weird stuff. I mean extreme stuff in which I was to be brutal with her and then just toss her aside basically, because she said that it was more than she deserved, and would gladly except the punishment or whatever.

Like I said she has been placed in psych hospitals multiple times.

She has basically lived with her parents since de de, they have tried getting her small apartment, but they are worried about her harming herself so they bring her back into their house.

Here was a woman now in her early 50s, who had everything that I think, most women dream about. And she threw it all away for POS.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Kamstel2 said:


> Kamstel2 said:
> Approaching the 4th anniversary of D-day.
> Ex has consistently begged to start over. Has offered anything and everything.
> 
> ...


Sounds like some of the things my XW does


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Kamstel2 said:


> Kamstel2 said:
> Approaching the 4th anniversary of D-day.
> Ex has consistently begged to start over. Has offered anything and everything.
> 
> ...


I would act as she never existed. 
The one who shall not be named!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have had several instances where the couple got back together. There were one or two that lasted afterward, but not without some significant counsel intervention. One fell apart quickly when my client, a lovely woman, found out that her ex needed more of a nurse than a partner. He came back after getting a cancer diagnosis, and knowing full well that his affair partner would never take care of him, but his ex wife would. Too bad and so sad for this guy, as we, and her friends, and siblings pulled off an intervention. We would not sit idly by and allow this prick to use her again. We made arrangements for hospice, contacted their kids, and told them that we were not allowing their mother to give over her life for him again. The kids understood and knew their father to be a master manipulator. He grumbled and cussed at his kids and us for preventing his plan to come to fruition. It took us a few weeks to convince her that it was no longer her job to care for him.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Taxman, any other examples other than the woman returning home only to have the door closed in her face be the ex husband’s new fiancé ?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> when your ex is really out of your head, you will have no emotions of hate or love for her. She will be like a stranger to you.


I don't know that after 24 years, and everything I lived .... that she will ever be out of my head

and I hate that, I do


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Arkansas said:


> oh no, I'd never take her back ... she is the type of person now I avoid and have nothing to do with (lying, cheating, manipulating etc)


good for you. so many people get cheated on, but then seek out the same sort of person for a 2nd spouse.....its like they are programmed to like that type of person


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

Arkansas said:


> I don't expect an apology ... damn it'd be nice though


Oh they never do, just make excuse as to why they did it.


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> Both of my x's sought to return. I don't recall an apology from either, just explanations on why they did what they did. What I realized though is an apology is a powerful chip that the betrayed person keeps in their pocket by seeking closure and acknowledgement from the wayward.
> 
> In doing so the betrayed person keeps themselves in emotional jail waiting for something they have no control over and in doing so empowers the wayward and disempowering themselves. It's like a continuation of the humiliation and emasculation from the infidelity. It's one of the hidden costs of infidelity and few betrayed spouses even know they're actually doing it..
> 
> The best posture you can take is to accept and expect that no apology is even needed. If you think about it her apology will make you feel better about yourself or something akin to that. Well, remove that dynamic altogether and live your life of empowerment from within, not from external validations.


Wow man very powerful words, this rang thru my head multiple times I can now get out of that EJ and be free. Who needs therapist's when you have this free forum.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

colingrant said:


> Both of my x's sought to return. I don't recall an apology from either, just explanations on why they did what they did. What I realized though is an apology is a powerful chip that the betrayed person keeps in their pocket by seeking closure and acknowledgement from the wayward.
> 
> In doing so the betrayed person keeps themselves in emotional jail waiting for something they have no control over and in doing so empowers the wayward and disempowering themselves. It's like a continuation of the humiliation and emasculation from the infidelity. It's one of the hidden costs of infidelity and few betrayed spouses even know they're actually doing it..
> 
> The best posture you can take is to accept and expect that no apology is even needed. If you think about it her apology will make you feel better about yourself or something akin to that. Well, remove that dynamic altogether and live your life of empowerment from within, not from external validations.


Very well said.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Arkansas said:


> I don't know that after 24 years, and everything I lived .... that she will ever be out of my head
> 
> and I hate that, I do


Maybe she will never be out of your head, but can you fit those thoughts and feelings into a little box that you keep chained up and out of your sight, so it's almost like they are gone?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> Maybe she will never be out of your head, but can you fit those thoughts and feelings into a little box that you keep chained up and out of your sight, so it's almost like they are gone?


It has to be a very busy day for me not to think about everything that happened - so yeah, most days she enters my mind and everything bad that happened. We had 24 years of marriage, maybe that's not so unusual even now, 2 years after divorce?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

it would be unusual if you didn’t. It takes a long time to heal up from such a thing. One day you won’t remember. The next few months, you might go two days in a row. A year or two, maybe 3 or 4 days. It’s been 8 for me and it’s rare I think if me ex and when I do, I have no emotion good or bad, almost as if she’s a stranger. She always was. I thought I knew her and didn’t. Took a while to wrap my head around that. When you do, you’ll be over it too.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Arkansas said:


> It has to be a very busy day for me not to think about everything that happened - so yeah, most days she enters my mind and everything bad that happened. We had 24 years of marriage, maybe that's not so unusual even now, 2 years after divorce?


I don't think it's unusual at all. That's a huge part of your life, maybe even close to half of it, and like Evinrude said, it would be more unusual if you didn't think of her.

I don't really care if I think about my EX or not...I just let the thoughts and feelings come and go as they will. I try not to feel hurt when I have them, because I don't like to be sad. But I definitely DO NOT hang onto any of the thoughts or feelings either - I will try to say something positive to myself, like, "Yes, that hurt me, but I'll be ok", and then I continue on doing whatever I was doing.

And that's true for YOU too -- YOU WILL BE OK, if you allow yourself to be!


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## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

Most of us will tell you that cheating is entirely the fault of the cheater. Never take any of the blame on yourself. Infidelity is a choice, not a mistake. It's just who they are.


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