# Back again, new GF difficulties she seems unforgiving need perspective



## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Hi guys, if you recall i was with the girl for 5 years who ended up lying to me, being a total scrub, and cheating several times.

I thought I found a real love when I met this woman, a very successful professor with a book coming out, she is gorgeous and funny and of course brilliant. Shes also very structured and hardworking unlke my ex. 

We've been dating 3 months now and Ive noticed some issues we have been having.

Anytime there is conflict it seems that she constantly keeps tabs of each perceived offense and we spend hours and days going over small things I said or how she perceived them. At one point she sent me a 20 page document of our gmail chat with points highlighting and outlining where I said "mean" things and she wanted me to address each point....she then told me she felt it was ridiculous she would have to send me the document bc it wasnt her job that I should know enough to go back and look and address each point and it was demeaning to HER. 

This happened when we were broken up, I had broken up with her bc the constant power dynamics of having to grovel no matter what the disagreement was, her calling me names twice, her very divisive behavior, and such, I broke it off. I was cold in the gchat and now that we are trying to work through it again its been several days of nonstop discussion of why I acted the way I did, how I can guarantee I wont act that way again, and it goes on and on.

She visited my family right before our breakup and the shower water was cold, which apparently put her in a very bad mood, when she came into the room she was mad bc the lights were off and the tv was on and I didnt ask to hug her, she then spent the entire night attacking me, criticizing and wanting to know exactly why the water heater broke down, what model we had, what experience we had with the water heater breaking, why i hadnt warned her this happens on occassion and such, and calling me the biggest jerk in the world. 

After that is when i shortly broke things off. 

I care about her,she is nice and sweet sometimes and says that Im used to someone who swept everything under the rug and my compass is off. Still it doesnt seem like this THIS relationship is healthy to me...she says she works by analyzing things and thats how she can come to forgive. I get that my last relationship was deceptively easy bc my gf and I didnt confront problems, but this relationship just doesnt seem right either. It seems TOO argumentative, but perhaps she is right i am just not used to a "healthy" dynamic with an "equal partner"

Last night we had yet again one of our "scheduled" "talks" about my wrongs and i got defensive and upset bc it was very attacking, 

this is her email to me after: I want you to know that you've meant a lot to me, and I'm very sorry that we weren't able to rebuild trust, as we had hoped to do through that conversation. Hope you feel better soon.

I didnt reply bc it was obvious she ended it....or was pulling that card at least...so I get another two emails

Email 1: :-(

Email 2: Are you still asleep?

My response: I was yes but either way your previous email w words was pretty clear 

Her Response: Fine

She emails another hour later later

Her: Im very hurt

My response: "I want you to know that you've meant a lot to me, and I'm very sorry that we weren't able to rebuild trust, as we had hoped to do through that conversation."

so am I but again you made it very clear. Its not fair to end things like that and then come to me and say how hurt you are



Someone ****ing help me, I feel like my head is spinning and I dont know up from down. She goes to a therapist and says her therapist confirms what she is doing is right and healthy and that my compass is off. I need HELP and perspective


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude. Find your testicles and stop putting up with all that. You're in for a lifetime of hell if you hitch your wagon to this woman. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

SF
At one point she sent me a 20 page document of our gmail chat with points highlighting and outlining where I said "mean" things and she wanted me to address each point

Was she writing you a damn book?

HI there, well I wondered if the grass was greener on the other side lol! 

It appears that everyone has issues some of the past ones may have been big with your previous relationship. 

This gf sounds like she is going to analyze every thing to death including you. 

You get those that don't want to speak like my ex and the silent treatment, then you get these that can't stop. 

Please find someone with a happy medium, when the person makes you feel good, bottom line ask yourself how does she make you feel about yourself?

Peace


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

run shes not the one and your gut is telling you.

don't over analyze it. she sounds like a controlling bi*ch.

move on to the next woman and if she doesn't make the grade then rinse and repeat until the right one comes along! 

take your time no need to hurry.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

If you marry this woman, you can expect a trilogy or perhaps a series of your "wrong-doings". She sounds like she needs to analyze everything in her world so she can control it. So, you can expect her to bring up past 'hurts'.

Move on. You have to keep moving on until you find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Stellafeller, 

Do you want to be happy?

Are you happy?

What do you need to do to be happy?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Three month relationship?

Move on, honey.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Stellafeller said:


> . (For this alone you should break things off. She behaved in a deplorable manner.) She visited my family right before our breakup and the shower water was cold, which apparently put her in a very bad mood, when she came into the room she was mad bc the lights were off and the tv was on and I didnt ask to hug her, she then spent the entire night attacking me, criticizing and wanting to know exactly why the water heater broke down, what model we had, what experience we had with the water heater breaking, why i hadnt warned her this happens on occassion and such, and calling me the biggest jerk in the world.
> 
> After that is when i shortly broke things off. (Smart move.)
> 
> ...


 Time to move on. Go dark on her, do not take her calls and ignore future emails. Go out, hang with friends and keep looking for Miss Right.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

She's a psycho. 

Quit talking to her. Period. 

I recommend you get into IC and try to figure out why you pick such schizoid women to have relationships with. You need to get to the heart of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StayInIt (Jul 27, 2012)

This woman is a jerk. Seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

StayInIt said:


> This woman is a jerk. Seriously.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A lot of high functioning people are crazy in some ways...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

It will only get worse....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> It will only get worse....




Unless you can boundary the hell out of this situation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Stella,
Your compass was working when you ended it. Broken when you let her get back together and immediately resume beating on you.

As soon as that happened, the ONLY move was: Hey, clean slate or no restart. If you can't accept that I understand. 

The water heater example is perfect because that is a fairly objective 'event', which she personalized and then went semi bat shlt over. 

That said, if you knew the water heater was broken any she got out shivering you damn well should have hugged her til she warmed up. 



QUOTE=Stellafeller;5219410]Hi guys, if you recall i was with the girl for 5 years who ended up lying to me, being a total scrub, and cheating several times.

I thought I found a real love when I met this woman, a very successful professor with a book coming out, she is gorgeous and funny and of course brilliant. Shes also very structured and hardworking unlke my ex. 

We've been dating 3 months now and Ive noticed some issues we have been having.

Anytime there is conflict it seems that she constantly keeps tabs of each perceived offense and we spend hours and days going over small things I said or how she perceived them. At one point she sent me a 20 page document of our gmail chat with points highlighting and outlining where I said "mean" things and she wanted me to address each point....she then told me she felt it was ridiculous she would have to send me the document bc it wasnt her job that I should know enough to go back and look and address each point and it was demeaning to HER. 

This happened when we were broken up, I had broken up with her bc the constant power dynamics of having to grovel no matter what the disagreement was, her calling me names twice, her very divisive behavior, and such, I broke it off. I was cold in the gchat and now that we are trying to work through it again its been several days of nonstop discussion of why I acted the way I did, how I can guarantee I wont act that way again, and it goes on and on.

She visited my family right before our breakup and the shower water was cold, which apparently put her in a very bad mood, when she came into the room she was mad bc the lights were off and the tv was on and I didnt ask to hug her, she then spent the entire night attacking me, criticizing and wanting to know exactly why the water heater broke down, what model we had, what experience we had with the water heater breaking, why i hadnt warned her this happens on occassion and such, and calling me the biggest jerk in the world. 

After that is when i shortly broke things off. 

I care about her,she is nice and sweet sometimes and says that Im used to someone who swept everything under the rug and my compass is off. Still it doesnt seem like this THIS relationship is healthy to me...she says she works by analyzing things and thats how she can come to forgive. I get that my last relationship was deceptively easy bc my gf and I didnt confront problems, but this relationship just doesnt seem right either. It seems TOO argumentative, but perhaps she is right i am just not used to a "healthy" dynamic with an "equal partner"

Last night we had yet again one of our "scheduled" "talks" about my wrongs and i got defensive and upset bc it was very attacking, 

this is her email to me after: I want you to know that you've meant a lot to me, and I'm very sorry that we weren't able to rebuild trust, as we had hoped to do through that conversation. Hope you feel better soon.

I didnt reply bc it was obvious she ended it....or was pulling that card at least...so I get another two emails

Email 1: :-(

Email 2: Are you still asleep?

My response: I was yes but either way your previous email w words was pretty clear 

Her Response: Fine

She emails another hour later later

Her: Im very hurt

My response: "I want you to know that you've meant a lot to me, and I'm very sorry that we weren't able to rebuild trust, as we had hoped to do through that conversation."

so am I but again you made it very clear. Its not fair to end things like that and then come to me and say how hurt you are



Someone ****ing help me, I feel like my head is spinning and I dont know up from down. She goes to a therapist and says her therapist confirms what she is doing is right and healthy and that my compass is off. I need HELP and perspective[/QUOTE]


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> Stella,
> Your compass was working when you ended it. Broken when you let her get back together and immediately resume beating on you.
> 
> As soon as that happened, the ONLY move was: Hey, clean slate or no restart. If you can't accept that I understand.
> ...


[/QUOTE]


You don't have to grovel. When you accept she's controlling you why not control the frames yourself of do what you want without regard for her for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's nuts. 
Just move on.
Do whatever it takes but don't engage.
I wouldn't buy the therapist thing. I'm sure she hasn't told her therapist about the 20 page document. Sounds like BS to me.
I'm sure many go through the process of figuring stuff out by text, email, phone calls, etc. but this is kind of beyond normal. It's like she's trying to perfect the relationship well beyond the level it would ever need to go in the history of mankind, unless she wants to merge consciousness with you with 100% overlap, something which is clearly impossible. There has got to be room for slop, so to speak.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You found real love after 3 months of dating???? How does that work exactly??


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Fight or flight? OP, this sounds like one case where flight is the only option.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's nuts.
> Just move on.
> Do whatever it takes but don't engage.
> I wouldn't buy the therapist thing. I'm sure she hasn't told her therapist about the 20 page document. Sounds like BS to me.
> I'm sure many go through the process of figuring stuff out by text, email, phone calls, etc. but this is kind of beyond normal. It's like she's trying to perfect the relationship well beyond the level it would ever need to go in the history of mankind, unless she wants to merge consciousness with you with 100% overlap, something which is clearly impossible. There has got to be room for slop, so to speak.


Some people really are as controlling as the lady on the movie "misery" who realized the little penguin figurine was turned by 60 degrees...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

That woman is nuts. It doesn't matter why. She just is.

Collect your balls and move on.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

My suggestion is No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think you need to read that book and join the forum. 

YOU keep picking the wrong women. you need to work on you so that you stop doing that.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

All this in a 3 months relationship??? We've not had that much drama in 26 years... how can you stand it?

This is just a small sample of what your life is going to be like if you stay with her...

Run and don't look back is my advice.


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

Thanks for the advice, I dont know if the grass is greener to reply to the first post, but the sex sure is. Ha! 

Anyway, I am going to take a step back and ask for space, I cannot spend my time constantly arguing or defending myself. Idk why I pick broken birdies ugh but ty guys I have been trying to give the benefit of the doubt even tho the behavior seems unreal to me and makes me question my own reality.


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## Yolandi (Oct 27, 2013)

She sounds exhausting. I hope you followed through with some space Stellafeller.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's nuts.
> Just move on.
> Do whatever it takes but don't engage.
> I wouldn't buy the therapist thing. I'm sure she hasn't told her therapist about the 20 page document. Sounds like BS to me.
> I'm sure many go through the process of figuring stuff out by text, email, phone calls, etc. but this is kind of beyond normal. It's like she's trying to perfect the relationship well beyond the level it would ever need to go in the history of mankind, unless she wants to merge consciousness with you with 100% overlap, something which is clearly impossible. There has got to be room for slop, so to speak.



It's not perfecting it. It's an effort to put it all on her terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Dump this woman. Life with her would be absolute hell. If you marry her or God forbid get her pregnant you might as well pre-fill the divorce paper. Dump!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Get away from her ASAP! Far far away! This woman is NUTS! Talk about a control freak! Her behavior is not normal in the least.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

If this is how she is after 3 MONTHS, when supposed to be on her best behavior, imagine what she will turn to be like in 3 YEARS ? 
When people show you their true colors, believe them. Run.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hey Stella, 

Look the red flags are there at the beginning we can choose to ignore them or take note of them and learn.

3 months into this you are seeing things that don't sit right with you, like you said you question yourself this is your conscience.

Sex is not a reason to stay with someone even if it is good. 

Holding a score card mm... well how many scores are going to be in her book after a few years.

You know what you gotta do.


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