# So frustrated



## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

So im lucky if I have sex once a month and last night I really thought I was going to get lucky, we went to bed after watching one of her favourite romantic films that normally turns her on, she was hugging me tugging at my underwear giving me all the signals, so I start kissing her caressing her, then she pushes me away saying you have got to be up for work at 5am I said that didn't bother me, but that was it no kissing back nothing totally shut down, so I did what I always do i turned over with a raging hard on feeling hurt and confused, whilst she looked at f#$king Facebook on her phone.
I just want a wife that wants to f#$k me not be a best friend.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> So im lucky if I have sex once a month and last night I really thought I was going to get lucky, we went to bed after watching one of her favourite romantic films that normally turns her on, she was hugging me tugging at my underwear giving me all the signals, so I start kissing her caressing her, then she pushes me away saying you have got to be up for work at 5am I said that didn't bother me, but that was it no kissing back nothing totally shut down, so I did what I always do i turned over with a raging hard on feeling hurt and confused, whilst she looked at f#$king Facebook on her phone.
> I just want a wife that wants to f#$k me not be a best friend.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


The make this a deal breaker!

Or forever hold your meat!

Its ok to get out of a marriage where thevsex is poor.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is a huge amount of info missing here ..... how's the relationship.....Did things change lately?.....Job..stress...family....who runs the house?...kids? ages ??


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Who was she chatting with on FaceBook?

If she stayed awake her excuse was only an excuse. Therefor you two have big problems.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

This is a little background that I posted elsewhere.

Hi guys and guls 

I've just turned 40 and ive been in a nearly sexless marriage for nearly 15 years, I found this forum yesterday as I looked for somewhere to voice my concerns over my marriage. 

When we first started dating nearly 21 years ago it was great we had sex pretty much every night, untill she went to collage she made new friends and as it was a agricultural collage she made alot of male friends, one in particuler she got close to, i was in the reserves army and working shift work and she would see him "as a friend" whilst I was away training or working, i really didn't like this as I didn't think men and women could be close friends and not get intimate she would say how they would watch movies together and would say nothing happened but I just couldnt handle it and I ended up seeing a hypnotherapist to help with my jealousy and it did work after i didnt care if she was with him and thats how it went on until we bought our first house together, the sex was still great but the excuses started to come, we got married shortly after and had our first son then it went down hill from then on she was never in the mood or to tired.

(Funnily as soon as we had out first son her best "friend" disappeared until the invention of Facebook, where he's now married and lives 200 miles away).

Which I respected as we had a baby to care for, we took it in turns to do the night feeds and it worked out well.

We moved to a bigger house and we had our daughter, after then it was as though someone had flicked a switch to her libido to off, I tried everything whilst working full time doing 60hrs a week, housework, flowers you name it i did it and still do though not the flowers as she says it's a waste of money, I even had a vasectomy so to take away the worry of getting pregnant and that didn't work(I really thought that would work).

Skip forward to now and it's still the same though now I work 9-5 and I'm home every night and weekends, I cook every meal get the kids school lunches ready most mornings before work.

I normally go to bed at around 10pm but she normally stays up later and watches TV when she does come to bed with me I try it on she just shrugs me off and says she not in the mood or tired and then looks at facebook on her phone for the next hour, normally till I pass out.

Now I've made it sound as though she an ogre but she is a loving wife and mother, she works hard,working full time and keeps the house lovely.

But it's just when it comes to me she says she has no energy but she has the energy to ride our horses pretty much every day.

I have thought about having an affair I've had the chance about 4 times now with 4 different women but I don't as I love my wife and always will.

I need sex to feel loved and when she turns me down constantly it makes me feel unloved unwanted and unappreciated. 

I don't know what to do I don't want a divorce for the kids we don't fight and we do act all lovey dovy most of the time.

Thanks for listening.

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Ah, yes. I remember reading that.

I believe she had a torrid affair with him, having wild sex on the couch while the movie ran on unwatched. She fell in love with him, and she does not love you. You are persona non grata.

She tolerates your existence in order to have money.

The other night she was using you as a little warm up before she got on line with her lover.

That is what I believe.

I do wish you well.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
you would be better off posting this in your other thread where all the pertinent information is at.

News flash: you are going to get the same opinions here that you would in the other thread.

You will tolerate the intolerable until you can't.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Easy .... she screwed around on you and your also a doormat and ATM. If she got everything she needed out of you for 15 years with no sex then why should she start now
when your just a room mate that provides. Your not a lover in her eyes and have not been for a very long time. You condoned that fact when she was with other man
before you even got married ......


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> So im lucky if I have sex once a month and last night I really thought I was going to get lucky, we went to bed after watching one of her favourite romantic films that normally turns her on, she was hugging me tugging at my underwear giving me all the signals, so I start kissing her caressing her, then she pushes me away saying you have got to be up for work at 5am I said that didn't bother me, but that was it no kissing back nothing totally shut down, so I did what I always do i turned over with a raging hard on feeling hurt and confused, whilst she looked at f#$king Facebook on her phone.
> I just want a wife that wants to f#$k me not be a best friend.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk




I was once in the same position as you first it was a month without sex then 3 months and then 6 months....I eventually sat her down for a serious talk about our future together.
We went to MC she said that I had gained weight and she no longer found me attractive. 

I went on a diet thru our local hospital, started working out went from 212 down to a svelte 162 in 6 months 
Nothing changed at home but everywhere I went women would strike up conversation with me.

Went to a party with wife mostly her friends, none knew me
I had women openly flirting with me all evening. We get home wife thinks all the attention I was getting was cute.
I asked her how cute would it have been if I’d gone home with one of them?

Her answer.....I know you would never cheat on me. I was thinking but did not say out loud “ Probably not but I am a whisper away from filing for divorce”. Instead I said..... a marriage without sex, even when there is Love is still just a friendship. She agreed, that was 2 yrs ago and still nothing has changed in our marriage


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People have already responded with their thoughts and insights on your other thread. There is nothing new here. 

Check with one of the Mods to see if this thread can be merged onto your other thread as an update.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Tell her you are thinking you need a different friend for sex and ask her for help setting up your Tinder account.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Pantone429c said:


> Went to a party with wife mostly her friends, none knew me
> I had women openly flirting with me all evening. We get home wife thinks all the attention I was getting was cute.
> I asked her how cute would it have been if I’d gone home with one of them?
> 
> ...


You should have said, "You're right, my honor would not have let me."

Then had her served divorce papers at work the next day.

Same goes for you, you will tolerate the intolerable, until you can't. Have some self respect


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Year one you might have been a victim. But year 2-15 you were, and remain, a volunteer. You make your choices. 


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Pantone429c said:


> I had women openly flirting with me all evening. We get home wife thinks all the attention I was getting was cute.
> I asked her how cute would it have been if I’d gone home with one of them?
> 
> Her answer.....I know you would never cheat on me.


This is why nothing will change for you or Lonelygent. 

If someone knows you will never do anything about it, then there is no reason for them to do anything different.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now I am not saying anyone should cheat or that they should manipulate anyone into thinking they will cheat or anything. 

I am saying that when someone has you broken down and whipped enough that they know you will not doing anything about it, then they have no incentive to do anything differently. 

The wolf does not care what the sheep wants.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You will stay where your are until you change it.

Talk = nothing

You are the one keeping yourself where you are.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Disengage. Start sleeping in the other room. Start spending more time out of the house, even if you have to aimlessly walk around shopping malls. Give her a taste of what life is like without you. If she questions you about it, tell her she should contact her "friend" to see when he might be available for a real relationship. Because that's the only person she seems capable of having a real relationship with, or being a wife to. Tell her if she plans on continuing a relationship with you, she needs to come clean about the nature of her "friendship".


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Have you taken her phone from her and read her complete history files, to see what she has been doing?

Or are you afraid to do that?

I would never allow my wife to have any secrets from me. Nothing is off limits. I allow her to access everything of mine, in return.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

No matter how many different ways this question is asked it's always going to be the same simple answer. Not easy, but simple. You have to bring the situation to a head. If you're not strong enough to do that the situation simply will not change. All the suggestions to have a heart to heart with her, read the love languages, etc imply that she doesn't know how you feel on the subject. I assure you she does and doesn't care.


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## DelicateFlower (Jan 10, 2018)

I don't know if you wife LIKES sex or not. From my own perspective, there are issues in my marital sex life that has sent it straight to the trash compactor BUT as a woman who would happily give up sex with my husband, I understand he is a man with needs and I give it to him - even if I have to fake til I make it. 
Granted he would take it every day if he could but he's settled on once a week and on occassion twice. (Disclaimer: he is 56 and has to take Cialis which is ridiculously expensive, so this is also a driver for the limited sex)

But I understand he needs it. Sex is a primary objective for all males in the animal kingdom; man or beast, they always want it and always need it. (Although there are exceptions  ) 

With this said, you're wife is either cheating on you or completely selfish that she never gives it to you. 
My sister, hates sex now, but still gives it to her husband. 

If you're wife can't adhere to the "give and take" method, it's not a marriage. You're a wallet and a security blanket, which makes you her carpet. 

Her toying with you like the night of this incident, is almost cruel and seems intentional. It's like she's toying with you for some reason. I suspect there is more going on here than meets the eye.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

DelicateFlower said:


> I don't know if you wife LIKES sex or not. From my own perspective, there are issues in my marital sex life that has sent it straight to the trash compactor BUT as a woman who would happily give up sex with my husband, I understand he is a man with needs and I give it to him - even if I have to fake til I make it.
> Granted he would take it every day if he could but he's settled on once a week and on occassion twice. (Disclaimer: he is 56 and has to take Cialis which is ridiculously expensive, so this is also a driver for the limited sex)
> 
> But I understand he needs it. Sex is a primary objective for all males in the animal kingdom; man or beast, they always want it and always need it. (Although there are exceptions  )
> ...


Thank you for your comment, my wife has always been a little selfish she an adopted only child so she is used to getting her own way, I don't think she's having an affair, I really don't think she has the time what with working full time the kids and horses and myself being home on the evenings and weekends, I've not seen anything on Facebook or her messenger talking to other men, it maybe that we have been together for so long she was 15 when we started dating and she turns 39 this year that she may be bord of me or resents that she missed out dating other men.
It seems like after everything she does in a day their is no time left for me as selfish as that sounds.

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with @DelicateFlower in the sense that she is toying with you. She blatantly teased you and then shut it down for a reason you said was no problem... It seems like she just wanted her ego stroked.

Can I ask you a few questions? How often do you initiate sex? How do you initiate it (I mean, is there a standard thing you do)? 

I think besides having a talk with her and telling her this is not going to fly anymore because it really shouldn't, you could also try "backing off" and see what she does. Tease her back. Or change the way you initiate and when you initiate. Most of us have a particular style and method, so that can get predictable.

Honestly, I've never been in this situation because so I'm just throwing ideas out there. I wish you the best!

(I also second the comments that you should look through her Facebook....but speaking as someone who has done this a few times, it always sucks when you find something.)


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

purplesunsets said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with @DelicateFlower in the sense that she is toying with you. She blatantly teased you and then shut it down for a reason you said was no problem... It seems like she just wanted her ego stroked.
> 
> Can I ask you a few questions? How often do you initiate sex? How do you initiate it (I mean, is there a standard thing you do)?
> 
> ...


I initiate everytime she never does, normally I do what she likes starting with a back rub then caressing her body then I'll go down on her till it leads to sex but 9 times out of 10 it's one sided.
I don't know why she teased me the other night then shut me down it was like she changed her mind.
I have tried in the past not initiating but that ended up with me having zero sex. 
I swear she would be celibate given the choice.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You need to have the talk. 15 years is a long time. No need to wait any longer.

"I didn't get married to be celibate. If you aren't interested in engaging with me ___ times a week, that is fine, I will go find someone who is. Once I do, there's no guarantee that this marriage is going to be something I am interested in staying in."

Stop initiating. Stop giving backrubs. Don't be needy. Be cool. Be aloof. Work out. Make yourself scarce. Go out at night. Let her stew on it. 

These will be the consequences of her ****ty behavior. Even a selfish ***** like her will be able to figure that out.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> I initiate everytime she never does, normally I do what she likes starting with a back rub then caressing her body then I'll go down on her till it leads to sex but 9 times out of 10 it's one sided.
> I don't know why she teased me the other night then shut me down it was like she changed her mind.
> I have tried in the past not initiating but that ended up with me having zero sex.
> I swear she would be celibate given the choice.
> ...


Hmmm... okay, well definitely have the talk that all these smart people are mentioning! But also.. why not try doing something different? Surprise her! I think many women like to be dominated to an extent and, although your attempts are loving, they are the exact opposite of what would excite the majority of women. Now, I'm not saying you have to be totally different and super aggressive, but a little more assertive might do the trick, haha. Why do you think 50 Shades of Grey is so popular among women? And speaking as a woman with a great sex life (primarily because my husband is so dominant in bed), I've never once felt the need to watch that movie...not just because it looks awful, but because I feel satisfied with my sex life.

Sooo...I would say, try surprising her in the shower, or in the kitchen...somewhere new. Grab her like you mean it and put your hands on her neck (not to strangle her, hahaha) and kiss her aggressively. Then leave. Don't do anything else. Try doing this kind of stuff every once in awhile to surprise her (and of course tease her) and to see her reaction. If she seems repulsed by it, please please stop because I am not at all suggesting you force yourself on her....But you may be surprised at how much she likes it.

I'm not trying to insult you but if my man always gave me a back rub and then went down on me, I'd be super turned off for two reasons: it's predictable AND it kind of makes me feel like he is "too weak" or not dominant enough. I feel awful saying that because I'm a feminist and what I'm saying sounds like I'm almost condoning rape, but not at all.. If my husband forced himself on me and I didn't respond, he would immediately stop and I 100% expect that. If he kept going despite my inactivity, well, I would say that's not dominating and that's rape. Ah... a very fine line but as a kind man who clearly loves his wife, I don't doubt for a second you won't see that line! 

So what I'm saying is, her lack of interest could possibly be a result of many things... so you should definitely talk to her but you can also test out some new moves to see if it's possibly your predictability that is killing the vibes. If the roles were reversed, perhaps you'd be thrilled at first to have her always initiating, but after awhile it gets too easy, there is no chase left, and then it gets boring.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i could not do a sexless marriage. i would give her the talk, and a few months later if she is not trying, file for divorce. Sex is not everything in a marriage....but it is a good 50%. Otherwise you could just get a roommate to split the rent money.

Is there any sort of medical issue she might have...making sex not possible? Like is her vagina dry all the time and it hurts when she has sex? Is she taking drugs or over the counter medicines that kill her libido (like antidepressants)?

BTW SOME women never initiate. If i did not initiate...i would never get laid. But once the foreplay starts, she gets into it pretty quickly


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i could not do a sexless marriage. i would give her the talk, and a few months later if she is not trying, file for divorce. Sex is not everything in a marriage....but it is a good 50%. Otherwise you could just get a roommate to split the rent money.
> 
> Is there any sort of medical issue she might have...making sex not possible? Like is her vagina dry all the time and it hurts when she has sex? Is she taking drugs or over the counter medicines that kill her libido (like antidepressants)?
> 
> BTW SOME women never initiate. If i did not initiate...i would never get laid. But once the foreplay starts, she gets into it pretty quickly


Sex is actually (for most of us) way more than 50% of a marriage--which isn't to say that anything else is a lower percentage--but rather than trying to put a percentage on it, any percentage, will understate its importance.

A transmission on only about 10% of a car. But no matter how powerful the engine, how high performance the wheels and tires, how perfect the interior, how aerodynamic the body, etc, without that 10% being fully functional, the car goes nowhere. 

So even something that only makes up a small percentage of a larger entity may still be 100% responsible for it's existence or performance. So it is with sex. Sex is probably far less than 10% of a marriage (in terms of time spent, effort put out, etc), but no matter how little a percentage it may be, if it isn't working right, the whole thing goes to **** and the marriage dies, along with the joy and even the soul of the people in the marriage.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

purplesunsets said:


> Hmmm... okay, well definitely have the talk that all these smart people are mentioning! But also.. why not try doing something different? Surprise her! I think many women like to be dominated to an extent and, although your attempts are loving, they are the exact opposite of what would excite the majority of women. Now, I'm not saying you have to be totally different and super aggressive, but a little more assertive might do the trick, haha. Why do you think 50 Shades of Grey is so popular among women? And speaking as a woman with a great sex life (primarily because my husband is so dominant in bed), I've never once felt the need to watch that movie...not just because it looks awful, but because I feel satisfied with my sex life.
> 
> Sooo...I would say, try surprising her in the shower, or in the kitchen...somewhere new. Grab her like you mean it and put your hands on her neck (not to strangle her, hahaha) and kiss her aggressively. Then leave. Don't do anything else. Try doing this kind of stuff every once in awhile to surprise her (and of course tease her) and to see her reaction. If she seems repulsed by it, please please stop because I am not at all suggesting you force yourself on her....But you may be surprised at how much she likes it.
> 
> ...


WOW...that is excellent advice I never looked at it like that before, you are absolutely right no wonder she's not involved, I can see her in my head saying not this move again, I shall do what you said to do and I will report back.
How if I could just get her to put Facebook down for 1 second lol.

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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Loneygent1977


> I need sex to feel loved and when she turns me down constantly it makes me feel unloved unwanted and unappreciated.


You have stated this exact sentence to your W? If not, why not? If you have, what was your W response?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> WOW...that is excellent advice I never looked at it like that before, you are absolutely right no wonder she's not involved, I can see her in my head saying not this move again, I shall do what you said to do and I will report back.
> How if I could just get her to put Facebook down for 1 second lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


 I'm so glad I could help! Hmmm that's a tricky one. I guess that's why I said kitchen or shower because it seems those would be two likely places she can't use Facebook .


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sex is actually (for most of us) way more than 50% of a marriage--which isn't to say that anything else is a lower percentage--but rather than trying to put a percentage on it, any percentage, will understate its importance.
> 
> A transmission on only about 10% of a car. But no matter how powerful the engine, how high performance the wheels and tires, how perfect the interior, how aerodynamic the body, etc, without that 10% being fully functional, the car goes nowhere.
> 
> So even something that only makes up a small percentage of a larger entity may still be 100% responsible for it's existence or performance. So it is with sex. Sex is probably far less than 10% of a marriage (in terms of time spent, effort put out, etc), but no matter how little a percentage it may be, if it isn't working right, the whole thing goes to **** and the marriage dies, along with the joy and even the soul of the people in the marriage.


Agree 10000%


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If were taking bets, I'm not at all optimistic about the grab her and dominate her approach. There's something else going on here. I like the idea of frankly telling her how her behavior has made you feel, but that's all in the past now. Because you intend to disengage from being dependent on her for intimacy and affirmation.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Tron said:


> You need to have the talk. 15 years is a long time. No need to wait any longer.
> 
> "*I didn't get married to be celibate. If you aren't interested in engaging with me ___ times a week, that is fine. We can divorce then I will be free to find someone who is interested in making love with me. This marriage is not going to be something I am interested in staying in if you don't desire me and we don't have sex."*
> 
> ...


There! Fixed it!

Lonelygent, do not get into an emotional or sexual relationship with another woman until you are divorced.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The above post, most definitely.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Well guys I tried mixing it up, I kissed her passionately with my hands on her neck behind her ears in the kitchen but sadly she was like a deer in headlights and she was more interested in getting a KitKat out of the cupboard lol,I said that to her and she said im hungry pmsl.
I've been more forceful I'm my actions ie I chose what to eat normally I make her decide as I chose crap options, shes a fussy eater lol.
And it's silly but I shared a viral Facebook pic with her saying I need a vacation sex Buffet and unlimited margaritas, her reply...that sounds like YOUR dream holiday lol.
I'll keep trying being the alpha no sex yet but she has been working nights this week so since Sunday we have only seen each other for 15 mins as I've been working days.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

You would be surprised how much little things like always making her decide what you're going to eat add up and take a toll. Good of you to make that connection.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Well guys I tried mixing it up, I kissed her passionately with my hands on her neck behind her ears in the kitchen but sadly she was like a deer in headlights and she was more interested in getting a KitKat out of the cupboard lol,I said that to her and she said im hungry pmsl.
> I've been more forceful I'm my actions ie I chose what to eat normally I make her decide as I chose crap options, shes a fussy eater lol.
> And it's silly but I shared a viral Facebook pic with her saying I need a vacation sex Buffet and unlimited margaritas, her reply...that sounds like YOUR dream holiday lol.
> I'll keep trying being the alpha no sex yet but *she has been working nights this week *so since Sunday we have only seen each other for 15 mins as I've been working days.
> ...


It gets dark at night. 
It gets dark in the daytime when your eyes cloud over, when you think 'dark' thoughts.

'Someone' at work is on her mind. Maybe 'on' more than her mind.... Just a feeling.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Well guys I tried mixing it up, I kissed her passionately with my hands on her neck behind her ears in the kitchen but sadly she was like a deer in headlights and she was more interested in getting a KitKat out of the cupboard lol,I said that to her and she said im hungry pmsl.
> I've been more forceful I'm my actions ie I chose what to eat normally I make her decide as I chose crap options, shes a fussy eater lol.
> And it's silly but I shared a viral Facebook pic with her saying I need a vacation sex Buffet and unlimited margaritas, her reply...that sounds like YOUR dream holiday lol.
> I'll keep trying being the alpha no sex yet but she has been working nights this week so since Sunday we have only seen each other for 15 mins as I've been working days.
> ...


It takes many months of day in, dY effort to transform yourself into someone that she "might" be attracted to.

..... And people that try to become "alpha" end up making fools of themselves and turning their wives completely off worse 9 times out if 10.

(And any adult man over the age if 21 that uses the term 'alpha' is probably closer to 95 times out of 100 will look like a moron) 

Don't try to be whatever you think alpha is.

Just try to be the best you that you can be.

If you are fat - lose weight.

If you are skrawny - get some beef on your bones.

If you are lazy - get off the couch and do something productive.

If you are unemployed/underemployed - get a job.

If you are a workaholic - take a week off and take her to the beach. ...... In the Bahamas.

If you play video games all the time - stop.

If you don't do any healthy, active hobbies in the fresh air and sunshine - get some.

If you don't get together with fun people and do fun things regularly - start.

If you spank to porn all the time - stop.

If you haven't updated your wardrobe in 10 years - do it now.

If your teeth are yellow - get white strips. 

Get a new, current hair style. If you just have a few patches of gray, wirery hair over your ears and the back of your head and are bald on top - shave it off and go Kojack.

If you have visible nose and ear hair and have long, straggely eyebrows or a long, thick unibrow - you deserve to be celibate until you die alone. 

Don't worry about being alpha like a 17 year old wanna be. Focus on being the best adult man that you can be.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Townes said:


> You would be surprised how much little things like always making her decide what you're going to eat add up and take a toll. Good of you to make that connection.


It's not 100% of the time but she is a really fussy eater and she normally does the shopping so she decides anyway I just cook it.

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## HK56 (Nov 24, 2014)

I find it so interesting that women who are lucky enough to have a husband who wants to have sex with them refuse it or just can't be bothered (this is me saying it without knowing your wife's reasons). Knowing my own situation, where my husband behaves with me the same way your wife behaves with you, I can safely say that unless you do something fundamental about it nothing will change. I know this from experience. I allowed this to happen and continue so where is the incentive for the other person to change? Nowhere. I'm taking control of my life now, still doubt my husband will do anything. Not that it'll matter to me as I am so tired of it all. Sadly they won't change in my humble opinion and you'd need to make a decision whether you can live like that forever, try to fix it together as she has her own reasons for not having sex with you (as does my husband but he refuses to try together), or can't live like that any more and move on. I tried with the full weight of emotional labour on me for 4-5 years, nothing happened so now I am moving on. Always try first together if you can. Hope it works out for you!


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yeah, this "grab her and kiss the back of her neck" thing only works in fantasy novels with Fabio on the cover. You need to bring things to a head now. No more baby steps or experiments to appease the whims of Internet strangers.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

HK56 said:


> I find it so interesting that women who are lucky enough to have a husband who wants to have sex with them refuse it or just can't be bothered (this is me saying it without knowing your wife's reasons). Knowing my own situation, where my husband behaves with me the same way your wife behaves with you, I can safely say that unless you do something fundamental about it nothing will change. I know this from experience. I allowed this to happen and continue so where is the incentive for the other person to change? Nowhere. I'm taking control of my life now, still doubt my husband will do anything. Not that it'll matter to me as I am so tired of it all. Sadly they won't change in my humble opinion and you'd need to make a decision whether you can live like that forever, try to fix it together as she has her own reasons for not having sex with you (as does my husband but he refuses to try together), or can't live like that any more and move on. I tried with the full weight of emotional labour on me for 4-5 years, nothing happened so now I am moving on. Always try first together if you can. Hope it works out for you!


I really don't know why she's not interested in sex, I keep myself fit as I have a very active job, I'm ok in the looks department I'm 6ft 4in tall and well I'm doing alright in the trouser department if you know what I mean.
The trouble is with my wife is she's a very private person and she dosent talk about her feelings, I've asked her before and got nothing, we don't have any stress in our lives were financially sound nothing to worry about at all.
It maybe just the time we've been together which will be 22 years this April married 16 years in August so she maybe bored of me or just sees me as something to cuddle on the sofa.
The thing is we never argue at all if someone was looking in on our lives they would see a perfect marriage, which it is minus the sex.
You could ask her and she would say it's perfect what's wrong with it.
It was my birthday on the 21st of Feb and we did have fantastic sex on the sofa when the kids were at school as we both had the day off work but nothing since then at all.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Yeah, this "grab her and kiss the back of her neck" thing only works in fantasy novels with Fabio on the cover. You need to bring things to a head now. No more baby steps or experiments to appease the whims of Internet strangers.


Or when the emotional connection and sexual chemistry is actually strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LonelyGent (LG):

How long will you continue to try and push a rope?

I can tell you from experience, as well as reading and advising men on hundreds of threads, that pressure only makes the situation worse. It has become cliche, but you have to be wiling to lose the marriage in order to save it. In other words, while you may not be the one to file for divorce, you must not fear her walking away, either. 

"Wife, it is abundantly clear that you do not desire intimacy with me, nor do I have any interest in pursuing someone who shows so little regard towards my needs. I intend to have a marriage with someone who is enthusiastic about intimacy with me. I hope that type of marriage can be attained with you. I understand and accept if it cannot be, just as I expect you to understand that with that choice will come my choice to stop investing in our relationship, and consequently, you."

When you talk to her about this, and all future interactions with her, you must remain cool, firm, and dispassionate...no anger, no tears, no anxiety.

After making that statement, stop taking steps to get her to change. Stop everything you do for her. No foot rubs, no listening about her day, no acts of service for her such as opening jars or helping her with things. You cover the things in the house that are your responsibility, spend time with the kids, and pursue your hobbies, and that is all...not an ounce of effort towards her.

When she tries to get you to do these things, simple reply with:

"I don't really feel like x (listening, helping you, etc.)."

Or:

"I am already doing x (going to the gym, playing my video game, watching paint dry, etc.)."

Then, when she loses her ****, simply tell her this:

"If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

She will know this is about sex, and likely get angry at you.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

If she threatens divorce:

"Then I will miss you, and probably won't find someone who I love as much as you. But I will settle for someone who is interested in intimacy."

Bottom line is that you must be willing to lose the marriage, or you will never improve the situation. Then you will be just another poor soul who comes back to this site 2 years later complaining about how nothing has changed.

And please understand, this may result in divorce. Or she may come around, but this will never likely be the sex life you fantasize about. But either way should be seen as a win for you. If you can't view it that way, don't even bother. Just continue to complain while nothing changes.

Fortune favors the bold.

Good luck.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear that things haven't really turned around yet.

Like it has been mentioned, the changing of "you" will take some time to sink in for your wife.

Maybe you are correct in that all your time together has worn off the shiny and you and your life is just 'comfortable'. There is nothing that is exciting anymore.

Not seeing each other essentially is not great for your relationship either.

Is it possible for the both of you to get on the same work schedule?

How about more spontaneous date nights/weekend trips? 

Generally my thought is the lack of sex is a symptom of the state of the marriage so you may need to dig a bit to find out what the underlying issue is.

Good luck.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> It was my birthday on the 21st of Feb and we did have fantastic sex on the sofa when the kids were at school as we both had the day off work but nothing since then at all.


Going to start with the positive, right here. So... why would you say this happened as compared with the next two weeks?

Sex is something you can decide to do, just like taking out the garbage or fixing the plumbing. Or a birthday present. 

She doesn't respect you, obviously. Notwithstanding what you've said about being a decent wife. A wife that doesn't **** - that's not a wife at all. 

That "private person" business is pure B.S. There have to be consequences for shirking a prime duty of marriage. If you aren't willing to impose them, welcome to celibacy.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> Going to start with the positive, right here. So... why would you say this happened as compared with the next two weeks?
> 
> Sex is something you can decide to do, just like taking out the garbage or fixing the plumbing. Or a birthday present.
> 
> ...


Well it was purely birthday sex, I've tried planning sex for certain days but her answer was no I don't like that ,I like it to be spontaneous, i nearly pmsl at that one.
I try spontaneous and I always get rejected, I tried yesterday rejected..reason I've got stomach ache...5 mins later after getting dressed ..oh I feel much better now.
I've tried everything to better myself as I've said before I'm fit well groomed I look after the kids work full time do housework cook the dinner because I'm a trained chef though Its not my job.
Example The other night (Sorry I'm venting here) we were making out in bed we always do for fear of the kids seeing us, so start going down on her and I kid you not she picks up her phone and looks at Facebook, that was it then instant turn off for me though she orgasmed.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

There's more to love and marriage than sex. I get now that some of us are LD and HD, but if you want more sex, then bring it up as an issue. Don't hide things from your spouse. Be honest. But yes, at the end of the day, sex makes up very little percentage of what it actually takes to have a great relationship so put the value on the person and who you fell in love with, not their body. I would not consider ending a marriage over something like that. A relationship is a two way street, so sometimes you will have to go without, but sometimes, she will also have to step up and put out. But just ask yourself if you're doing it out of love. It should always be the right motivation behind an action.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Silverbird said:


> But yes, at the end of the day, sex makes up very little percentage of what it actually takes to have a great relationship so put the value on the person and who you fell in love with, not their body. .


Considering the fact that one of the partners experiences emotional connection and love through physical intimacy I think your above advice is pretty .....well....BAD.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Well it was purely birthday sex,


That's what I was getting at. This is just a decision she can make. I do extra innings with my wife and girlfriend even though I can only have one orgasm every eight or 12 hours. 

You can just see the look on their faces when they need a good pounding. And the same goes with my wife - she has the BJ down to 2 minutes. And it gets her whatever she wants. 

A lot of women use this as a power trip to keep the man down. Keep him sexless and tripping all over himself serving the wife while she continuously crushes his ego. Like this:




> I've tried planning sex for certain days but her answer was no I don't like that ,I like it to be spontaneous, i nearly pmsl at that one.
> I try spontaneous and I always get rejected, I tried yesterday rejected..reason I've got stomach ache...5 mins later after getting dressed ..oh I feel much better now.
> I've tried everything to better myself as I've said before I'm fit well groomed I look after the kids work full time do housework cook the dinner because I'm a trained chef though Its not my job.


Yup. Doormat. 



> Example The other night (Sorry I'm venting here) we were making out in bed we always do for fear of the kids seeing us, so start going down on her and I kid you not she picks up her phone and looks at Facebook, that was it then instant turn off for me though she orgasmed.


Can she be any more disrespectful? This is no different than the wife who just knocks herself out for her husband and he verbally abuses her no matter what she does. Emotional abuse. 

It's just nothing for either a man or woman to put out for their spouse. Literally minutes. So what if it isn't rockets and explosions. Neither is changing a tire on a car. I do it all the time for my wife, about every other time we have sex I have to go through her fantasy story for her. Jesus - I have repeated different versions thousands of times now. 

What you are doing isn't working. The servile approach. When my wife gets pissy but I know she really needs it - I am pretty aggressive and she is always grateful in the end. I don't take "no" for an answer.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> That's what I was getting at. This is just a decision she can make. I do extra innings with my wife and girlfriend even though I can only have one orgasm every eight or 12 hours.
> 
> You can just see the look on their faces when they need a good pounding. And the same goes with my wife - she has the BJ down to 2 minutes. And it gets her whatever she wants.
> 
> ...


I might try the physical approach and see what happens, obviously if she says get off I will.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Silverbird:

Denial of gravity won't prevent the splat of leaping from a 5th story window.

But gravity is such a small part of life in general, right?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Gent:

How do you feel when she grabs her phone while you are pursuing intimacy with her?

Don't tell me turned off...but how you actually feel...


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> Gent:
> 
> How do you feel when she grabs her phone while you are pursuing intimacy with her?
> 
> Don't tell me turned off...but how you actually feel...


Hurt and rejected, as though I'm an annoyance to her.

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Then stop what you are doing, tell her that her behavior is abhorrent and disrespectful, leave and got to nearest titty bar. 

Then proceed to ignore her (like she did to you) until she apologizes and agrees to clean up her act. 

Sorry, but she is a *****! And unless you straighten this out with some equal and appropriate reaction she is going to continue to wipe her feet on you!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Nothing wakes a women up like stopping mid-stroke and pulling out.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

anonmd said:


> Nothing wakes a women up like stopping mid-stroke and pulling out


... but it takes a pretty determined man to actually execute such a maneuver. Most women have little to fear on this front.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Hence the reason it is effective.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are like the guy who repeatedly smashed his hand with a hammer.

When asked why he does it...he says:

"Because it feels so good when I stop."

Please go back and read post number 45.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Hurt and rejected, as though I'm an annoyance to her.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> ... but it takes a pretty determined man to actually execute such a maneuver. Most women have little to fear on this front.


Not determined...but one who loves themself enough to not tolerate such ridiculous behavior in order for a little validation and an orgasm.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

anonmd said:


> Nothing wakes a women up like stopping mid-stroke and pulling out.


This. 

Gent, my wife used to give me the "hurry up" crap. At the time I was like you, and tolerated it.

After some time here, and building self love, she pulled it again.

I got off of her immediately.

She was shocked and asked me what I was doing. 

I told her I had no interest in having sex with someone who was not interested in having sex with me.

She demanded that I come back over to her.

I gave her a firm no.

She again demanded it.

The last thing I said to her before I went to sleep:

"No means no, right?"

She has never said or done anything like that since. And if she were to, she would get exactly the same response.

How on Earth can you expect your wife to respect you when you don't respect yourself?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> Gent, my wife used to give me the "hurry up" crap. At the time I was like you, and tolerated it.
> 
> ...


Brilliant FSJ!

Mine was executed not quite so eloquently but equally effective.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Lonelygent1977

It might seem that we are being hard on you, but a number of us have been where you are.

We don't want to see you come back 5 years or 10 years from now telling us that it has only gotten worse and you realize that you've wasted the bulk of your life on an unloving and ungrateful *****.

I'd like to see you get your balls back, build some self-respect and maybe even more importantly have a wife that loves and cares about you. 

It is pretty clear that currently you don't have any of those things. And she isn't some unique precious flower that you can't live without. 

Build up your confidence and your self respect. She will need to step up her game or get sh!t-canned. 

Read @Cromer's thread and see how things are going for him these days. That is what awaits you if she can't get on board.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The shock is the sudden realization there is a limit to her magical vajayjay's power. Likely the first time in her life. It is the 105mm howitzer beehive round of marital combat, use it wisely . With power comes responsibility.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> Gent, my wife used to give me the "hurry up" crap. At the time I was like you, and tolerated it.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice I will give that one a go next time she's does it again.

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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Excellent advice I will give that one a go next time she's does it again.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


When, the once a month you get duty sex?

You're problems are not when you're getting to the bedroom...as you so studiously refuse to acknowledge, your problem is you have a wife you curtail to when it comes to sex.

You stay with your I'm hurt and rejected then you go ahead try again only to be hurt and rejected. Do you love hurt and rejection?

You're lucky if you're even getting scraps, let alone the absolutely remote possibility you'll ever get to f*ck her. I don't mean making love I mean you and her going at it...yep you'll probably never get that.

By all means continue being a doormat and doing the softly softly approach, she might let you go down on her while she looks at her phone.

*I know it's not funny but I did laugh at that, the sheer balls of the disrespect is almost respectable on her part*


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Yeah I'm living the dream marriage right now lol, she's got a sore throat today so that's this weekend out pmsl.

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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Well for the last 48hrs I've withheld any affection to my wife and funnily enough she dosent like it, she's pouting pretending to be Ill wanting me to wait on her hand and foot, I offered her some pain killers which she turned down and that's it, I haven't chased her at all no hugs kisses nothing, I'm kinda having fun.
It will be interesting to see where this leads.

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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Don't relent.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Example The other night (Sorry I'm venting here) we were making out in bed we always do for fear of the kids seeing us, so start going down on her and I kid you not she picks up her phone and looks at Facebook, that was it then instant turn off for me though she orgasmed.


Huh? Why would you not just stop the instant she grabbed her phone??


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Huh? Why would you not just stop the instant she grabbed her phone??


I told her to put it down she didn't, so I took it off her and threw it onto the floor, I carried on as I love going down on her, I enjoy it as much as she does.

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Hopeful Cynic said:
> 
> 
> > Huh? Why would you not just stop the instant she grabbed her phone??
> ...


You might want to ask yourself two questions and really really try to absorb the answers:
1. What does she *really* think of you, that she has the balls to pick up her phone and get on Facebook while you are going down on her?
2. Why do you love going down on a woman who would do that?

I think number 2 is actually more important.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You might want to ask yourself two questions and really really try to absorb the answers:
> 1. What does she *really* think of you, that she has the balls to pick up her phone and get on Facebook while you are going down on her?
> 2. Why do you love going down on a woman who would do that?
> 
> I think number 2 is actually more important.


This is the second thread that's mentioned the wife on the phone during sex. I'm just dumbstruck. :frown2:


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

minimalME said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > You might want to ask yourself two questions and really really try to absorb the answers:
> ...


Me too! Not only at the entitled nerve of these women, but at the fact that the men still want to continue in a relationship with a person who would do that...


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

minimalME said:


> This is the second thread that's mentioned the wife on the phone during sex. I'm just dumbstruck. :frown2:


Me too! What could possibly be competing for a person's attention on their PHONE in these moments?

Hmmmm now I kinda sorta want to conduct an evil experiment and try this, just to see what his reaction would be...something along the lines of a full-stop with "what the hell?!?" would be my guess. 
Intriguing.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You might want to ask yourself two questions and really really try to absorb the answers:
> 1. What does she *really* think of you, that she has the balls to pick up her phone and get on Facebook while you are going down on her?
> 2. Why do you love going down on a woman who would do that?
> 
> I think number 2 is actually more important.


It's probably because she's the love of my life and I don't know no better I'm 41 years old the last women I Slept with I was 16.
She's only done it once and she knew how pissed I was because I didn't continue having sex with her.
I don't know why she did it(head scratch time) sigh

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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Don't Panic said:


> Me too! *What could possibly be competing for a person's attention on their PHONE in these moments*?


Absolutely _nothing_. There's not one thing that's that important. But it's not really about the phone, is it? It's how people are treating one another. It's dehumanizing.

It's like giving someone the silent treatment or 'ghosting' in dating. It's an artificial ego boost that comes from an attitude of 'you don't matter'.

It's awful. :|


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> It's probably because she's the love of my life and I don't know no better I'm 41 years old the last women I Slept with I was 16.
> *She's only done it once* and she knew how pissed I was because I didn't continue having sex with her.
> I don't know why she did it(head scratch time) sigh
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Once is way enough!!!


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Once is way enough!!!



This sounds like a bad joke, imagine her reaction if she is on top and you open a playboy. Some behaviors cannot be tolerated. 

You are 41 years young, you do have options. 


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Pantone429c said:


> This sounds like a bad joke, imagine her reaction if she is on top and you open a playboy. Some behaviors cannot be tolerated.
> 
> You are 41 years young, you do have options.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing she really didn't want to sleep with me that night lol ,well she got her way didn't she pissing me off so I didn't sleep with her.
Sadly my options are limited money is tight so I couldn't afford my own place plus for my 2 kids it would devastate them should I leave, I did think about finding another women to curtail my urges, but I don't think I could handle the guilt.

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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> I told her to put it down she didn't, so I took it off her and threw it onto the floor, I carried on as I love going down on her, I enjoy it as much as she does.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


While plotting my own evil experiment, I've been thinking about your scenario...Is it possible OP, that maybe she was indeed attempting to provoke this very response from you? In other words, being "bratty" so that you would react in an assertive manner? You "threw her phone and carried on". And you mentioned she enjoyed it.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Don't Panic said:


> While plotting my own evil experiment, I've been thinking about your scenario...Is it possible OP, that maybe she was indeed attempting to provoke this very response from you? In other words, being "bratty" so that you would react in an assertive manner? You "threw her phone and carried on". And you mentioned she enjoyed it.


Oh yes she got the big O she didn't fake that one. 

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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Don't Panic said:


> While plotting my own evil experiment, I've been thinking about your scenario...Is it possible OP, that maybe she was indeed attempting to provoke this very response from you? In other words, being "bratty" so that you would react in an assertive manner? You "threw her phone and carried on". And you mentioned she enjoyed it.


Oh and the next time we do have sex again I'm going to take full control, I'm going to go full Dorian grey on her minus the whips lol though we do have a cupboard full of them from owning horses lol

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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> I'm guessing she really didn't want to sleep with me that night lol ,well she got her way didn't she pissing me off so I didn't sleep with her.
> Sadly my options are limited money is tight so I couldn't afford my own place plus for my 2 kids it would devastate them should I leave, I did think about finding another women to curtail my urges, but I don't think I could handle the guilt.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk




Two years ago sex with my wife became all but nonexistent. It came down to her saying... you have gotten fat and I no longer find you desirable 

Well she was right so I went on a diet, got on a weight lifting program worked my ass off and got into the best shape of my life......guess what....her reason for no sex was only an excuse because nothing changed.

What did change was that other women started paying attention to me. (i am not a cheater) So we are invited to a party hosted by a friend of my wife. (Because of the work I do I do not wear a ring) 

My wife wanders off to be with her friends, does not bother to include me or introduce me to anyone. 

A couple of hours go by and wife comes downstairs to the rec room and here I am laughing with a couple young women and having a really good time 

Wife comes over real pissy and says 

I am ready to go home, I have a headache, so I handed her the car keys and told her I’d find my own way home....

After that sex was frequent for a couple of months
But it was duty sex, she isn’t into it......I have kept my weight off and am considering other women.....my issue isn’t guilt.
But I am not ready to take that step.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

My ex-wife was being abusive in bed, worse than yours. I just stopped having sex with her and masturbated next to her every night. For six months. She was so beside herself that when she broke, it was like a lion breaking out of its cage. All over me. 

But she was very calculating and cunning in doing just enough to barely tolerate being married to her and I was reading up on all kinds of literature, especially coping with the abuse a person can dish out as an adult when they were abused themselves as a child. I ended up leaving, and thank God for it. 

You mentioned trying the aggression with her, not taking "no" for an answer - I thought about that pretty carefully before mentioning it. My wife is from a culture that really respects a man who is physically dominating. It isn't like the USA where they can get you arrested when they say "no" and you push. It's bizarre that in the US it is something like 1/3 of women have rape fantasies, yet they also have the law on their side to ruin you for providing even a hint of it. But the worst thing that can happen in this scenario is attempting to be aggressive and then letting her dominate you by stopping it. I'm an MMA coach and retired fighter and can throw my wife over the roof - she is just a tiny little pipsqueak. So there's no doubt how this is going to turn out and she really gets off on giving me resistance and having me dominate.

I guess it is similar to the people who like S&M, bondage, and whatever - if you did those things to a person who didn't want it then you'd be in jail for felony crimes. So you really need to know your wife here and although there is risk, the reward is pretty awesome in terms of her getting explosive orgasms.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> My ex-wife was being abusive in bed, worse than yours. I just stopped having sex with her and masturbated next to her every night. For six months. She was so beside herself that when she broke, it was like a lion breaking out of its cage. All over me.
> 
> But she was very calculating and cunning in doing just enough to barely tolerate being married to her and I was reading up on all kinds of literature, especially coping with the abuse a person can dish out as an adult when they were abused themselves as a child. I ended up leaving, and thank God for it.
> 
> ...


Other than the sex issue my wife is a great wife and she has in the past reacted well to me dominating her, we have talked in the past about sex and she said she likes it when I'm in charge so I should be ok and I know how far I can go.
My main issue is getting to sleep with me, without the excuses.
It's Monday morning here in the UK now and I'm off to work and she's in bed and will be working nights at our local hospital till Friday morning so for the next 4 days I'll only see her 5mins each day so no sex till at least Friday night but I know she will be tired so that's another week gone.

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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> This is a little background that I posted elsewhere.
> 
> Hi guys and guls
> 
> ...




Ever consider going onto hotmail.com, get an email address then set up a facebook account using a fake name. 

You know the kind of guy she likes and capture someone elses picture. Put a fake profile together make it so you live a 1-2 hr drive from her. Tailor it to her perfect kinda guy. Send friend requests to a couple female friends of hers and then eventually send a friend request to her. 

OR.. just snatch her phone away from her, lock yourself in the bathroom and see what she is up to..

What is the worst thing she could do, punish you with no sex?




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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Tron said:


> Tell her you are thinking you need a different friend for sex and ask her for help setting up your Tinder account.




Now that is a good idea. Better yet as her hottest friend to help him set it up.


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> There! Fixed it!
> 
> 
> 
> Lonelygent, do not get into an emotional or sexual relationship with another woman until you are divorced.




Seems he is happy in the marriage except in the bedroom,so why not have an affair. I work with single women that hit on me often and they know I am married.

So what is the harm if he fulfills his needs elsewhere?


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Pantone429c said:


> Seems he is happy in the marriage except in the bedroom,so why not have an affair. I work with single women that hit on me often and they know I am married.
> 
> So what is the harm if he fulfills his needs elsewhere?
> 
> ...


I have thought about it in the past, I've had 4 different girls who know that I'm married want me but I turned them down, I must admit it was painful as a few of them were stunning, way out of my league lol.
I did go on tinder just to see what it was like and I had loads of msgs wanting dates, but I never acted on them, then when they merged with Facebook I stopped looking as some of my wife's single friends would pop up, and I didn't want them telling my wife that I was on tinder lol.

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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Oh great! another guy who has an excuse why he cant do this or cant do that, then wonders why things never change. Also in your earlier posts you said money was not an issue, then later, in order to continue to do nothing you say you can not afford to divorce.....which is it?

Dude, unless you take drastic action, your life is not going to change, except for you will be older, had suffered longer. You need to disengage. Quit trying the little tricks (kissing the back of her neck...oh god) time to be a man, not a doormat. 

Good luck to you.....


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Oh great! another guy who has an excuse why he cant do this or cant do that, then wonders why things never change. Also in your earlier posts you said money was not an issue, then later, in order to continue to do nothing you say you can not afford to divorce.....which is it?
> 
> Dude, unless you take drastic action, your life is not going to change, except for you will be older, had suffered longer. You need to disengage. Quit trying the little tricks (kissing the back of her neck...oh god) time to be a man, not a doormat.
> 
> Good luck to you.....


I'm comfortable with money dosent mean I can afford a mortgage and a 2nd place

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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> I have thought about it in the past, I've had 4 different girls who know that I'm married want me but I turned them down, I must admit it was painful as a few of them were stunning, way out of my league lol.


That makes no sense. This seems to be a common problem among guys that my father coached out of me when I was a boy.

Thanks Dad! 

Swagger up to the plate and swing for the fence. They love it. The worst that can happen is they are flattered and say no.

You just said they want you. So they are in your league. But moreover, it is a mandatory title defense, I can't remember if that's from Hoyle or Robert's Rules of Order. But it's in one of those books I'm sure. lol. :smthumbup:


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Pantone429c said:


> Seems he is happy in the marriage except in the bedroom,so why not have an affair. I work with single women that hit on me often and they know I am married.


Off topic...

I'm curious about those of you who get hit on even though you're married. What is that like? What do women do? Do they directly proposition you and ask for sex? Or are they being playful?

I'm very uncomfortable even being friendly with single guys who seem interested. 

A married man is completely off limits based on principle alone, and it's often hard to muster up being 'professionally nice' because I don't know if it'll be mistaken as flirting.

It seems pretty common for most men to think you want them whether or not that's truly the case.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Pantone429c said:


> Seems he is happy in the marriage except in the bedroom,so why not have an affair. I work with single women that hit on me often and they know I am married.
> 
> So what is the harm if he fulfills his needs elsewhere?
> 
> ...


You must be kidding....I hope.

He won't be happy in his marriage when his wife finds out he is in an affair and she divorces him. He will get his children 50% or less of the time, have to pay out a lot of money, his own standard of living will lessen due to his child support and other related bills, and will have a justified reputation as a cheating lowlife.

"The harm" of fulfilling his needs elsewhere is in the fact that he probably made vows to his wife to be with her "until death do us part...for better or for worse" and he will be breaking those vows. His wife will be devastated. His children will know that their daddy is a cheater. 

The honorable thing to do is have a serious talk with her about his sexual needs and that only she can fulfill them. If she refuses to meet him at least 1/2 way, he is going to divorce her so he can get those needs fulfilled with someone who will joyfully fulfill those needs and enjoy him.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> Well it was purely birthday sex, I've tried planning sex for certain days but her answer was no I don't like that ,I like it to be spontaneous, i nearly pmsl at that one.
> I try spontaneous and I always get rejected, I tried yesterday rejected..reason I've got stomach ache...5 mins later after getting dressed ..oh I feel much better now.
> I've tried everything to better myself as I've said before I'm fit well groomed I look after the kids work full time do housework cook the dinner because I'm a trained chef though Its not my job.
> Example The other night (Sorry I'm venting here) we were making out in bed we always do for fear of the kids seeing us, so start going down on her and I kid you not she picks up her phone and looks at Facebook, that was it then instant turn off for me though she orgasmed.
> ...


Seriously that is ****ing bull****. You should have called her on that ASAP. I would have taken the phone and yanked the battery. What was your response? You should have been furious at her and let her know it.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> You must be kidding....I hope.
> 
> He won't be happy in his marriage when his wife finds out he is in an affair and she divorces him. He will get his children 50% or less of the time, have to pay out a lot of money, his own standard of living will lessen due to his child support and other related bills, and will have a justified reputation as a cheating lowlife.
> 
> ...


Exactly, I love my wife the only problem we have as far as I'm concerned is in the bedroom our lives outside of that are perfect, I don't want to cheat, I really need to have a talk with my other half to see what is wrong with our sex life.

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its always been (or at least started) pretty subtly when women have flirted with me. 

It can be difficult being friendly when there is also the possibility of romantic interest. I think you have to just be sure to steer the conversation away from any topics that are too personal / intimate. 



minimalME said:


> Off topic...
> 
> I'm curious about those of you who get hit on even though you're married. What is that like? What do women do? Do they directly proposition you and ask for sex? Or are they being playful?
> 
> ...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Its always been (or at least started) pretty subtly when women have flirted with me.
> 
> It can be difficult being friendly when there is also the possibility of romantic interest. I think you have to just be sure to steer the conversation away from any topics that are too personal / intimate.


I'm just wanting to know if it's an ego thing? 

I mean, is being friendly and nice considered 'throwing oneself' at someone? Do men think that just because a woman speaks to them and is pleasant - do they think 'she's hot for me'?

I'd think it'd have to be A LOT more overt than that? But I'm not a man.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, being nice and friendly is absolutely not "throwing yourself" at someone. At the same time some people may misinterpret it as flirting. That is there problem.

For myself, I'm happy to not know for sure if a woman is being friendly or flirting. I would never respond to friendliness as if it were flirting, unless it is made very obvious. 

Unfortunately some men will. Its probably wishful thinking. An attractive woman talks to you - and you so want her to be flirting that you misinterpret what she is doing. 

I wish I had good advice fro how to behave. Mostly I think that if can avoid intimate topics. Also, be aware of just how powerful body-language and facial expressions are. 





minimalME said:


> I'm just wanting to know if it's an ego thing?
> 
> I mean, is being friendly and nice considered 'throwing oneself' at someone? Do men think that just because a woman speaks to them and is pleasant - do they think 'she's hot for me'?
> 
> I'd think it'd have to be A LOT more overt than that? But I'm not a man.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

For me if the women is flirtatious ie laughing at my awful jokes whilst touching my arm for example, I'd think she were into me, but if we're just chatting and the body language is defensive then is know she were just being friendly.

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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uhtred said:


> No, being nice and friendly is absolutely not "throwing yourself" at someone. At the same time some people may misinterpret it as flirting. That is there problem.
> 
> For myself, I'm happy to not know for sure if a woman is being friendly or flirting. I would never respond to friendliness as if it were flirting, unless it is made very obvious.
> 
> ...


Thank you!

In my situation, conversations with men I work with don't even come close to initimate. 

The married men have excellent boundaries, and the single guys my age are super friendly, but they don't ask me out, so I carry on in a professionally pleasant way.

The male guests on the other hand...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't fool yourself...nearly all married men will have women flirting with them time to time, hoping for more (which can mean many things). A truly married man knows this and is always prepared to the right thing and steer both away from dangerous shoals.

It's in shaky marriages, with poor communication mostly, that a H has a poor sense of direction. And wives, too.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

There are ways to solve this but you won't find it condensed into a single forum post.

I strongly suggest you go buy and read "married man sex life primer" by athol.

I am a stranger from the internet and you can choose to ignore my suggestion ("yuk, books!?"). But your answers are in that book and the other places that book will lead you to. Go get it already


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Also, girls flirting with you is one thing... Getting their number, and legs open, are completely different. Don't let your ego make you think you have all these opportunities just because you got a "look"


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> I have thought about it in the past, I've had 4 different girls who know that I'm married want me but I turned them down, I must admit it was painful as a few of them were stunning, way out of my league lol.
> I did go on tinder just to see what it was like and I had loads of msgs wanting dates, but I never acted on them, then when they merged with Facebook I stopped looking as some of my wife's single friends would pop up, and I didn't want them telling my wife that I was on tinder lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk




I was at a old hotel in Savanna Ga I was on my way up to the handball courts and was passing a conference room 

a woman was giving a talk about sexual harassment in the work place.....She had a beautiful southern accent but not like she was from the area.

I wanted to see what went with voice so I stepped into the room and she was a looker. I stayed just to listen and watch, she commanded the room. 

The attendance was made up mostly of men some in suits or casual dressy , I was not dressed appropriately but screw it, I stayed.....I just had to. After awhile she announces time for a break and people got up for coffee.

I stayed put next thing I know is she is in my face wanting to know who I was, what company I was with, where is my name tag....I expected her to start wagging her finger at me

She says....Are you supposed to be here....I blurted out “Do you come with that accent”. She says EXCUSE ME!!!
I laughed and said you have a lovely voice and that is what drew me into the room.

She says well you can’t stay! So I left...very married man (what I kept telling myself back then) She was spectacular!

At dinner I am sitting alone nursing a beer and catching up on some work on my tablet and there she is again. But this time in jeans and still .......yum yum! 

She was ignoring me
And I had noticed that there was a dance in the main ballroom later that evening, Shag.....I don’t Shag but they had a lesson before the dance.... How hard could it be?

I walked up to her and just asked.....Do you dance? 
One thing led to another, she ordered a scotch straight up.
I got another beer and we talked and then went to the dance and had a ton of fun.

I was right she wasn’t from Georgia, she grew up in Richmond Virginia lived their her entire life.

I was up front told her I was married, she didn’t care we were just friends.... I told her that me and my wife were just friends and that I didn’t want to be “Just” friends with her.

I have seeing her ever since and as often as possible....

Guess what got her interested in me?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pantone429c said:


> I was up front told her I was married, she didn’t care we were just friends.... I told her that me and my wife were just friends and that I didn’t want to be “Just” friends with her.
> 
> I have seeing her ever since and as often as possible....
> 
> ...


Oh nice. So are you proud of this? You expecting pats on the back here?


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> You must be kidding....I hope.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




No ...I wasn’t kidding! I started a new topic To cheat or not to cheat”. Lots of haters in there. 

You can bet that if he thought when he was saying those Vows that he was going to need to give up sex that he would of stayed single.

My wife did the same thing to me and I treater her like a princess... whatever she wanted didn’t matter.

Then one day ....you ever hear the saying “The last straw”
I had that day and then A week later I was away on business
And I bumped into someone special

Spouses of either gender get angry or whatever drives them and then do something to punish the other. 

Eventually it becomes habit and then they think that since they no longer find their spouse attractive no one else will either....Big! Big! Mistake!

I am here to tell every guy who is being treated poorly that you do not have to put up with that....if your wife is withholding sex as some sort of punishment you do have options other than divorce. Why turn your life upside down with a divorce.

If you get caught, hold your ground and say
“What did you think was going to happen”

Now i did exhaust every other possible avenue short of divorce. I wasn’t getting any sex and if I did she acted like it was a chore. So what’s left?


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## Pantone429c (Feb 8, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh nice. So are you proud of this? You expecting pats on the back here?




Na no pats but you could bow and pay homage if you like <g>


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pantone429c said:


> No ...I wasn’t kidding! I started a new topic To cheat or not to cheat”. Lots of haters in there.
> 
> You can bet that if he thought when he was saying those Vows that he was going to need to give up sex that he would of stayed single.
> 
> ...


DIVORCE is whats left! If you dont like how your marrriage is, change it or END IT. Way to blame the victim here, it isnt HER fault you decided to cheat, its YOURS and yours alone. Own it. Just because you are too chicken sh!t to do the right thing doesnt mean someone else is responsible!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator message:*

He has now left the building.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

BobSimmons said:


> When, the once a month you get duty sex?
> 
> You're problems are not when you're getting to the bedroom...as you so studiously refuse to acknowledge, your problem is you have a wife you curtail to when it comes to sex.
> 
> ...


Yeah she hasn't f#$ked me in a long long time...sadly.

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