# Maybe love just isn't enough....



## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Thinking that I just may have started to understand the meaning...So I have 2 issues.
#1 my boyfriend of a year. If I didn't love him, I'd probably drop him. We just don't spend enough time 2gether. He lives 2 and a half hours away in the mountains. When we are 2gether, it's great. We fuss very little, only 2 times I can really think of, but it never amounts to anything. It had to do w/ me learning how to cut hay, and learning the tractors and how they worked. It's how he makes his living, so money is involved and you have to do the job right, or you lose hay, which is loss of $$. I get it.
To be truthful, I never thought anything would go any further than a trail ride on horseback last year.It's obviously has grown to be more, much more. He's brought up marriage, which we both can see in the future, a least a couple of yrs. down the road. I told him when it gets to that point, a prenup. should be printed up. He's not rich, but he's done pretty well for himself. I think it's not just wise, but one thing less that we could fight about. He doesn't really say anything.?...He's discussed moving in 2gether, and I said I think that's a good step forward, even before getting married. I refuse to go through another divorce!, so i want us both to take our time in getting to really know each other before the "I Do's".
Thing is, during the summer, it's hay season. I'm just learning to cut so it's easier for him to call his buddies to come help him cut. There's only a small window of opportunity to get it all cut and baled so u have to be quick. I'm not. It's a new skill I'm learning. So I don't see him very much during that time.
Be for you know it, it's winter. Hunting season. He's a guide, so people will come from out of state to hunt. He of course stays at the cabin during this time so they doing go tearing it up.All in all, the season is about 6wks to two months. I don't see him during this time cuz it's just a bunch of dudes. I'd be the only female, no thanks. Hunting is one of his favorite hobbies and he gets paid at it as well.
Driving can be down right dangerous to and from his house in the winter time. He totaled his car last year as a matter of fact, and he's lived up there for 10 yrs. So I don't get to see him often then either. I miss him but he seems to be hesitating on me moving in. I get it, he's scared but then so am I. When I move, I have to give up my job of 14 yrs, change over the 401k, and do something with the stock I have w/ the company. Then I'd need to find another job, and give up my residence. I will have to start over. It's a huge leap. If I didn't believe in us, I would never even give it a thought. There's no chance of him moving down here because of the ranch. Denver would have a problem with his cattle and horses running a muck in the city I'm afraid. Lol
2nd issued. (Sigh) My sister. She's the only family I have, other than my daughter, who lives w/her dad. Anyway, I told my sister about 18 months ago that I was going to start dating. Put my profile out there on the net and see what gives. I brought it up through conversation and she was all for it. Well i met my boyfriend and after about three months I wanted her to meet him. At that point, she coped an attitude and asked me why, what was the point and that she wasn't going to drive all the way out to his ranch. Well, I told her I thought the world of this guy and was really excited for her to meet him. Told her we could have lunch sometime in Denver. She just said she'd think about it. I was like, ok. Not understanding her attitude. A couple of months later I told her that she, her husband, and both my nephews were invited to the ranch for branding the cattle. That the boys would have alot of fun, that we would all join in on the festivities. She asked me why and if they were going to get paid. I just laughed and said of course not. All the neighbors scratch each others backs to get the job done. My boyfriends neighbors run about 800 head of cattle alone. Come branding season everyone chips in and have a pot luck after...well, anyway needless to say my sis and her family didn't come. After that I just stopped bring up his name. I mean what was the point? She seems not to like the guy and she's never even met him...I know about 6/7 yrs ago, she had said something about buying land in Mexico to raise cattle. I told her then, that if that's what they wanted to do, to let me know cuz I wanted in on it. Well then, 2 years ago she said that they were going to be moving to Kentucky. There was no invite of if I wanted to go, knowing she is the only family I have. I just kind of shrugged and said ok. At that point, I knew that I need to make my own life and stop being dependent on her. So I did and met a wonderful man. I don't know what her problem is, other than maybe she's jealous. ? I just can't understand it though cuz she has everything I've ever wanted. She has a husband that adores her, two handsome sons and a job. She's stable. I don't have any of that. She was there and watched me lose my home and family. She watched me hit rock bottom, and boy did I hit hard! I was depressed for a good two years. I've had to fight my way to the surface. It was really hard but I've made it.
So I had lunch with my sis about a month ago. She invited me, being that I stopped texting/calling her. She would never call/text me, and I started feeling as if I was bugging her. She would always rush me off the phone...So during the last 8 months when she would ask about Phil (bfriend) or my daughter, I would be vague. She doesn't like my daughter, so i know she just wanted to really know how bad she's doing. Smh
As for Phil, i was straight with her this time and said that i loved him and that I'd probably be moving out of town. Her jaw dropped to the ground. I could tell she thought i wasn't seeing him anymore, and was shocked that that was not the case. She said she needed time to "digest" the situation. What? Then she got mad at me and told me that i never talk to her. I told her of course not, cuz she acted as if she disapproved of my relationship to Phil. She was like, "I Don't even know the guy!" I was like, "precisely!"....She Been "digesting" for A month now. 
Not sure what to do in either situation. Thoughts any1?
And yes, I am posting in the men's section hoping the guys could give me some hints on what is running through my boyfriend's head. Both the prenup, moving in together, marriage.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First and foremost, it's your life and not your sisters. So do what's right for you.

Second, it's hard to tell if your sister us being controlling or looking out for you. Either way, see #1.

What you have before you is a major life change so make double certain this is right for you.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Your absolutely right! The fact that the boyfriend is hesitating is good in the way that I know he's putting alot of thought into this as well. I'm not looking for a "shot gun" wedding, but something that's going to last. That being said, I'm willing to risk everything. I just want to be happy. I want to spend my holidays with ppl I love. Right now I spend them by myself...oh but my sis has an excuse for that of course. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just being honest. Tired of being alone but at the same time I won't settle. That would just bring more unhappiness/loneliness. I've read the other threads on here and feel for the ppl on here that are going through it.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

So I'm home once again this wkend, while the boyfriend is 2 1/2 hrs. away getting ready for hunting season. He's more active than most 35 yr.old men, which I love....just wish I could be a part of it. I don't want to sound "needy" so i don't complain, but I miss him. At the same time, kinda feel put on the back burner until the time is right for him for us to spend time together.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Waits4Mr.Right said:


> So I'm home once again this wkend, while the boyfriend is 2 1/2 hrs. away getting ready for hunting season. He's more active than most 35 yr.old men, which I love....just wish I could be a part of it. I don't want to sound "needy" so i don't complain, but I miss him. At the same time, kinda feel put on the back burner until the time is right for him for us to spend time together.


Understandable. When I was in the military we had times of separation and it was difficult. So I have empathy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Your post is too long OP, I read thru half of it and had to stop.

First thought, count EXACTLY how much time you spent with him (in HOURS).And I'm not talking about "time spent cutting hay", I'm talking time TOGETHER, engaging and JUST BEING TOGETHER.

You are 1 year in, and still in the "honey moon phase". Marriage shouldn't even be on the table. Wait AT LEAST 2 years and see if your "butterflies"/love is still there after that time.When I say 2 years, I mean time of CONSTANTLY being together. Not few hours a week. I mean ON DAILY basis.

After that, it would be good time to move in together and see what it's like. If you continue down this path, you are setting yourself up for a complete failure/another divorce. 

I would highly suggest you invest TIME and do your DUE DILIGENCE before you make ANY long term commitments.

You are FAR FAR from it. Your YEAR probably really counts as "few months" in real time spent together.Which means you probably need 4-5 years to get over "honeymoon phase".

I don't recommend dating people that are long distance for that vary reason. Distance KILLS ANY relationship.

I would also recommend you focus on "ACTION of love" and not the "feeling of love". What actions has your boyfriend taken to show you love? I will tell you right now, getting your butt to his farm and making your WORK for HIM......(probably for free) is quite opposite of "showing love".

If he "loved" you he would want to spend each and EVERY moment with you (that includes hunting too). That's what lovers do, they can't wait to be together and do ANYTHING.......just not "work".

But that's just me....


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Waits4Mr.Right said:


> So I'm home once again this wkend, while the boyfriend is 2 1/2 hrs. away getting ready for hunting season. He's more active than most 35 yr.old men, which I love....just wish I could be a part of it. I don't want to sound "needy" so i don't complain, but I miss him. At the same time, kinda feel put on the back burner until the time is right for him for us to spend time together.


I don't think you shared much about his relationship history but this concerns me. You've got a guy who's a "man's man" type and that's fine but I'm not sure he's enough of a "woman's man" too. They aren't mutually exclusive...there is a time and place for both. You say you love him. Does he say he loves you with as much enthusiasm? Does he miss you like you miss him? I understand taking things slow and be deliberate, but I just want to know that there is a somewhat equal emotional commitment here. If I'm feeling it then I can't imagine being ok not seeing my girl for weeks at a time. So I'm concerned that the "back burner" feeling you have might never go away.

"You say you feel so lonely... that our house just ain't a home. I'm always somewhere else... and you're always there alone..."


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies, and yes my post is Very long. Sorry. Maybe I should of cut it in half being there's two issues, my boyfriend being the most important. 
I have to be honest. Time spent really equals months, maybe 2/3. We both say we love each other, but I think, "how can someone who loves you spend days and now a week w/o phone/texting that person, even if it just to say "I love u"?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Waits4Mr.Right said:


> Thanks for all your replies, and yes my post is Very long. Sorry. Maybe I should of cut it in half being there's two issues, my boyfriend being the most important.
> I have to be honest. Time spent really equals months, maybe 2/3. We both say we love each other, but I think, "how can someone who loves you spend days and now a week w/o phone/texting that person, even if it just to say "I love u"?


And above is exactly what you need to focus on.

Love is defined by action, not words.

I would highly recommend that you focus on thinking with your brain, and ignore your heart for time being. Your heart will only disable you from thinking clearly about the entire situation.

Allow this man to prove to you that he loves you.....with actions.

I would slowly start writing him off simply due to distance. 

Also read up on "honeymoon phase" and keep a close eye on it. It might take you few more years of "very little time here and there together" to get over this phase. Remember 2 years is for couples that see each other daily/couple of times a week.

Keep this in consideration. And do NOT even think about marriage until y our honeymoon phase has passed and the sparks are still flying!!! 

For every 1 or 2 attempts you make to reach out to him, he should make 1 as well. If you reach out few times....and he doesn't reply/reach out as well.....leave him alone.

Again, man that loves you will want to spend each and every min with you and will make YOU priority!

Good luck


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

You know there's a reason he lives this solitary, removed life, right? Its what suits him.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

:scratchhead:You guys all have good points. Maybe I need to refocus on me and what I want. Since the boyfriend is busy and winter is here, I want to get a 2nd job. This starts a disagreement w/ the boyfriend cuz he doesn't want me to. I don't need one but I don't need to be laying around the house doing nothing either. Hopefully it'll keep me too busy/tired to think about the time I want with the boyfriend that I'm not getting. It's not like I see him more if I'm not working that 2nd job, so I'm not sure why he should care really....but he does?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you get a second job, that's even LESS potential time you will have to spend together. Since you don't need the money, I would can the idea.

What I WOULD do is plan to spend more time up there this winter. So, he's leading some hunting parties, big deal. Can't you still be there for the weekends and see him in the evenings? Does he HAVE to spend every night at the cabin so the men don't destroy it? (If that's the case, he needs to find new clients). And if you can't get to his house, have him pick YOU up at the bottom of the mountain.

Long distance relationships are really tough. If you don't make an effort to spend time together and actually get to KNOW each other, I'm afraid this one is going to fizzle.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

I'm afraid it's going to fizzle too. Haven't heard from him in the past wk. Last time this happened, when we very 1st started seeing each other, he called it off. Which was no big deal cuz no lines had been crossed but now...If he were to call it off, there would be no going back. His reason for no 2nd job, is that we wouldn't see each other. I told him I would make it work w/ my other job, so i get the same days off. I also reminded him that I was the one that had the problem of not spending enough time together. I love him but I'm not going to beg for his time/attention, which is why I won't text him now. Last week I texted after not hearing from him for a few days. I was kinda worried something had happed or he was hurt. Maybe even mad at me, I didn't know but everything seemed fine when we talked. Now, here we are again....no call, no text. Granted, he's busy but not that busy! Maybe the guys on here know something I don't cuz I'm lost.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

DoF said:


> Your post is too long OP, I read thru half of it and had to stop.
> 
> First thought, count EXACTLY how much time you spent with him (in HOURS).And I'm not talking about "time spent cutting hay", I'm talking time TOGETHER, engaging and JUST BEING TOGETHER.
> 
> ...


:iagree: The 2 years is my standard as well. It's not long and drawn out but...long enough for the skeletons to fall from the closet.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

W4MR... are you still around?


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

@H.a.a.c. yup I'm still here...still haven't heard from the b~friend but I'm thinking maybe I'm going about it all wrong. I just don't want to be "That Girl" who nags.
I'm sure he'll text when he gets the chance and if he decides to break it off, then it's he's loss. 
Mean while just trying to stay busy and not think about it/him too much.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

It takes a few seconds to send you an "I love you" text... His actions aren't matching. Do you really need to know anything more? 

I'd let this one go and start dating someone who makes time for you.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

@CardReader: I know, those are my thoughts exactly. A quick text would @ least let me know I'm being thought of. @ this point, I'm not sure where I stand w/ him. Last time I was with him (2 wks ago) he did look me in the eye and said "I Love You", which was the 1st time. The other times he just made it sound off handed instead of sincere....and as sincere as he was, how does a person just call it quits? Which is why I'm stuck. I love him.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

W4MR....I sympathize with young couples today. The added

pressure but....

the "unneeded pressure" When I dated my high school and college flames (1st and 2nd loves), 

there were no such thing as "starter homes" or "starter marriages." 

Try not to over analyze things, it can cloud your judgment when you see him

next. Judging what he should do, based on how you see it has too many 

variables. If you feel his texts should be more frequent.... tell him...in person.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

@Chuck71: Lol I don't know about a young couple as you discribe. I'm 39 and the boyfriend is 63. Maybe this is why I'm confused. Once I get to know someone, I know whether or not they are someone I'm willing to move forward with. He on the other hand seems wishy washy. We've been together for a little over a yr and it seems like one minute we're talking about moving in together and the next, he seems to be stalling. If he's not sure, why not just say so. That way we aren't wasting anyone's time. He brings it up every now and then, and I just laugh it off now. I'm not going to push but at the same time I want a future. ..With him, preferably but if not then someone else. I'm looking to settle down and he knows this. If after a yr. I'm still wondering if they are the one, I move on. Not sure how long it takes him.?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My mistake....I had thought early 20s. His reactions may say one or both of two

things. He is scared (and we never will admit it) or unsure how to behave in this setting.

By behaving....the way you will perceive his actions and reactions


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hon, this guy isn't that into you. An older guy with a younger woman he's into will absolutely prioritize her. I know of what I speak..... when I started dating my hb I was 31 and he was 50, I'm now 40 and he's 59. I'm a huge priority for him as he values what he's got.

This guy has his life and you're good to have around when convenient for him. Do yourself a favor and stop trying to be the cool gf who takes the scraps a guy throws at her. Such women telegraph that they are of low value and we both know you're not. Cut him loose and find someone who values you and wants a life with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Maybe you guys are right. I haven't dated in a little over 8yrs so maybe I was seeing something that wasn't there. I just started to meet his family and friends, so i thought we were moving forward. Then all of a sudden he's gone dark on me. Haven't heard from him in 18 days. ? I know he's hunting but why not at least give me a heads up that I wouldn't hear from him during this time, instead of leaving me here to wonder. Thought maybe I was just going crazy with my expectations.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

So he Finally texted me today. I didn't answer right away but he probably thought I was sleeping since I work nights. He just sounded really focused on his guides. Just one more hunt and he's free he says. I just wished him well.
Not sure I'll be honest with him and tell him I thought he was calling it off once again cuz that will just let him know he can hurt me. Not sure I'm comfortable with that. At the same time, that means I'm building a wall between us, and I don't like that either but I guess I'm trying to protect myself just in case.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

W4MR...

Methinks it's time to toss this one back...

*18 days?*

Are you kidding me?

When me and the beloved SO were first involved, we could barely go *18 minutes* without contact!! And honestly, we didn't!!

Four years later, and we still contact each other frequently throughout the day.

At age 63, I think you are dealing with a confirmed bachelor.

Time to pack it up, move along 

There are FAR MORE suitable partners just waiting to meet you...


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

@ HappyAsAclam, Thanks for your thoughts. I'm starting to think you may be right. A relationship can never work if it's just one sided. I think I miss him much more than he misses me. And now we are @ the starting of winter, when I will see him even less.  Don't think the relationship can work where it's at now and will fizzle w/o seeing him to boot.


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Your post is very long, so I will have to read through it later. A word of advice though; paragraphs are your friend!


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

@ Ashalicious: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. 
Should of wrote two posts but then decided not to. 
¯\_(ツ)_/¯


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