# I Read it .. again and again and now cant Breathe !!



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

I know my wife for last 12 years ... we met when she was 17 and i was 21. We've been married for last 6 years and have a daughter whom i love which i cant even describe in words.

The problem started when someone i dont even know ( probably from my wife's office) mailed me her chat records with another colleague of hers... it was days and days of chat logs... not just that he also mailed me few mails she has emailed to that colleague of hers .. and another friend of mine.. where she has confessed loving him ( or at least that is Written in letter/Email). 

i asked her about all this after 2 days of receiving the mail because i could not even believe that she could do something like that .. !! my whole world turned upside down . i couldn’t sleep , eat or even breathe.. i felt hurt and cheated and lost ... nothing can be compared to this... 
At first she just referred to the office guy as a friend but when i told her details of few of her chats .. she accepted it and said that she is glad and relieved that i know about it . i said nothing. my heart sank and skipped a beat..!! i have not loved anyone like her and i know i will never be able to even think of loving someone .. ive always been faithful to her and she cheated with 2 guys ... one of which was my good friend.

i keep on reading those mails and chats where she has used same words and lines she ones used for me ... i even read my mails to her and her mails to me ( going back 1999... some 18k pages ).. i dont know what to do ... yeah one more thing.. her office colleague is also married and is very scared of his wife... ive just found out her mail id and phone number ... should i tell her ?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

mik said:


> yeah one more thing.. her office colleague is also married and is very scared of his wife... ive just found out her mail id and phone number ... should i tell her ?


Everything! Give her copies of everything you have. Then immediately go to your wife's business and tell HR.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Call his wife and send her the copies , remove any items that reveal your source .

Your wife has to leave her job today. To help you understand what is happening and start to create a plan read the following:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Mik Sorry you here !!! I agree Exposure is one sure fire to kill the affair, most businesses dont like having employees conducting an affair especially utilizing business assets to carry the affair on. Businesses have been sued by BS's for facilitating affairs if they chose to do nothing. Do not tell your WW that you are exposing this would give her and the OM time to get their stories straight etc . How are you doing in light of this information ? I would suggest working on yrself at this time. Are you wanting to R or D? You get to decide 

Good Luck


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and so sorry you are going through such a difficult situation but you are not alone.....
First of all you are lucky someone else thought the right thing to do was to let you have a choice about your own future by telling you what was going on........
That is a gift even if you don't see it in this moment.
I am not sure if you want to save your marriage or not but if you do you could have a chance if you follow a few steps.......
Your first step is to talk to the OM's wife and compare notes, the best way to stop an affair is to shine a light on it and stop the secrecy..........I would inform the wife, and then your families and friends and I would also let people in management and work colleagues know what is happening under their noses.......
This way the affair will be hard to carry on any further.....
Then you must demand she leave her job so there is no other contact between them, she must never speak to him again......
If she refuses these steps ask her to move out.....whatever you do don't move out yourself you didn't do this don't make it easy for her.........
You keep your child with you......then you go see a lawyer and protect yourself financially and with your child.......
Tell your wife you love her and would be willing to work through your marital problems but only if it's the two of you that she had one chance to fix what she broke, you do this all calmly and with integrity look confidence and be loving .........but keep the message simple, do not take any blame for the affair or the exposure, just simply say I will do what I must to protect my marriage and family and then walk away.
Your wife will be furious with the exposure so what your marriage can handle her anger not the other man.......
Then once she has met your new boundaries and needs to move forward in the marriage, you two figure out what was missing and start spending time together just filling each others needs and working towards being in love again.........
This is difficult but the best way to save this is to stay calm and get yourself a great plan and don't buckle under the pressure, it takes a long time to get things back to normal so patience is key as well.......
In all marriages there are times when one has to carry the other and be stronger right now it's you even though you feel betrayed, your wife is lost right now and she is in affair fog babble and she won't be the wife you married and won't make any sense, she will rewrite history, do the blameshifting and will lie every time she has to protect herself of her affair partner......don't let it throw you off understand that she is possessed right now and needs help........
hugs I know it's tough


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Mik Sorry you here !!! I agree Exposure is one sure fire to kill the affair, most businesses dont like having employees conducting an affair especially utilizing business assets to carry the affair on. Businesses have been sued by BS's for facilitating affairs if they chose to do nothing. Do not tell your WW that you are exposing this would give her and the OM time to get their stories straight etc . How are you doing in light of this information ? I would suggest working on yrself at this time. Are you wanting to R or D? You get to decide
> 
> Good Luck


Yes, yes. Do not tell your wife what you are doing. Don't give her the chance to cover her tracks or the OM's. Thanks, forgot to mention that. Need more coffee.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not tell your wife that you are doing it - do not even threaten to do it. Just do it.

Oh, don't tell your wife even after you do it. Wait for her to come to you with the knowledge.

Also, do not leave your house - you haven't done anything wrong. 

Contact the OMW and tell her everything, while at it contact HR and share the logs with them.

Expose the affair wide and far - it will make it costly for them to continue it.

right now your wife is arrogant - you need to knock down the walls of her fantasy world before you can even think it you'd keep her.

oh - since they are in the same office etc, it is likely gone PA already.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Find your anger.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forward the messages to the guy's wife. Do so without giving your wife or that guy any warning before hand.

Your good "friend" is not your friend at all. If he is married or partnered, tell his wife/girlfriend also.

Your wife...if she wants to stay married to you has a lot of rebuilding and restoring to do. 

Do you want to stay married or not?


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Do not tell your wife that you are doing it - do not even threaten to do it. Just do it.
> 
> Oh, don't tell your wife even after you do it. Wait for her to come to you with the knowledge.
> 
> ...


I disagree with forwarding the logs to her company. You will get someone in IT fired. This person probably has been cheated on. Saw what your wife was up to and felt the need to let you know. All against company policy. Your wife has admitted the affair. The company does not need to know how you know.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Why did someone send you those texts/ emails? Who has the time to copy 18K pages and forward you? There is something fishy here. Did the one who sent you was unhappy about your wife's affair? Did he not get his pie?
What type of affair was that? EA or PA?
Does your wife show remorse? You did not mention about her reaction.


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

Many Thanks.. 

Sorry i think i have to specify a bit more.. all this happened 1 month and 10 days ago.. !! i met that office guy and talked to him , i remained calm in all conversation and i think he was also honest with me ... he accepted that they had physical relationship whereas my wife clearly denies it . She on the day we had our "chat" told me that she is in love with this other guy but its a shame that they cant be together. she moved out with our daughter the same day to her parents place which is some 40 miles from me. i love my daughter very much and drive everyday to see her . My in-laws are very nice people they always welcome me and even they want us to reconsider. but they know it will take time. Me and my wife used to have too many fights and both were responsible ( even she acknowledges that).. and now she says that cause i have hurt her so much in her last 3-4 years that she cant think to live with me. she in the last one year has discussed it with almost everyone in our family terming me as angry all the time... i am NOT AT ALL like that .

i think i still love my wife... too much i guess... i know i am being a doormat or whatever but still i cant see her losing her job or anything..!! but i want her to realize that she has done something really wrong.. !!


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

was it a EA/PA?

Dont begg or plea to her at any coast. Dont come to any decisions so soon, take your own time to figure out what you want.

Is she remorseful or blaming you for her affair, never take any blame for her affair, affair was her choice, you have nothing to do with that.

Expose the affair to OMW, friends and family. 

Do 180 on her.
Dont allow her to manipulate you. Dont buy her word that she is relived when you came to know about it, she is indamage control.

Read through the previous treads. Take care of yourself.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she is rewriting marital history and exaggerating things in order to justify to herself that having an affair was fine and dandy and hurting you is necessary since you are "evil"

GO SEE A LAWYER NOW

she has no right to remove the child from the home

expose to the OM's wife today


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

@Angryandused : the person has mailed me only her and her office colleagues chats and mails... the 18k or so pages were mine and my wife's mails etc... it was an EA and no remorse... when i confronted her with all .. she said that she is relieved and glad... now after a month or so she told me that it should not have happened this way and i am a very nice man and best father ever .. !! what is the meaning of all this ??


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how did the co-worker get the emails and such anyways?


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

Again i think there have been some unfortunate events in family and my wife was emotionally very disturbed ... at times i feel the circumstances responsible for everything


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you cant blame circumstances
you can't blame yourself


you can blame her


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Mik. I feel that unless you set some boundaries then yes you will be a doormat and yes she will continue to cake eat if you want to know how to recover your marriage in a healthy way then please let us know 

Good luck with being second prize
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mik said:


> it was an EA and no remorse.


 Stop calling it an EA. The OM confirmed to you that it went physical so you know that it is both a EA and a PA.

Also, stop being so willing to forgive her. Forgiveness without remorse by her means that she will not value it. You must be willing to walk away for this to work.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

mik said:


> @Angryandused : the person has mailed me only her and her office colleagues chats and mails... the 18k or so pages were mine and my wife's mails etc... it was an EA and no remorse... when i confronted her with all .. she said that she is relieved and glad... now after a month or so she told me that it should not have happened this way and i am a very nice man and best father ever .. !! what is the meaning of all this ??


She is startng to come out of the fog and is starting to realize what she will lose. I also suspect that the OM will not be there for her and she knows it. She is starting to be nice to you again because you are there for her. That is what this means.

You need to do the 180 on her and listen to what the others have said. You got good advice here.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How are you sure that nothing physical happened. If she has no remorse, it is likely that she will continue to cheat on you....

Will you leave her without any consequence?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mik said:


> @Angryandused : the person has mailed me only her and her office colleagues chats and mails... the 18k or so pages were mine and my wife's mails etc... it was an EA and no remorse... when i confronted her with all .. she said that she is relieved and glad... now after a month or so she told me that it should not have happened this way and i am a very nice man and best father ever .. !! what is the meaning of all this ??


Who is the person e-mailing you their correspondence?
How do they have access to it?

The OM stated it was physical so your wife is probably lying about it just being an EA.

You should forward all the correspondence you have between them to the OM`s wife.

This is the best way to get him away from your wife.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife said that you are a very nice man....This is the kiss of death. What she means is that she is not attracted to you and sees you as a brother. She is a serial cheater. Do not be a doormat. See an attorney and move on with your life. She clearly does not respect you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MIK, you need to protect yourself financially! Don't let her use or ruin your credit to carry on her affair!

What this means is cancel all joint credit cards you have with her.
Take half of whatever money you have in joint checking/savings accounts and put it in accounts with only YOUR name on them! Do not let her use your money for her pleasures! 

Last but not least, get thyself to a lawyer and found out what your rights and options are!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce and do the 180. That might not knock her out of the fog, but you'll be closer to ridding your life of a parasite.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

mik said:


> @Angryandused : the person has mailed me only her and her office colleagues chats and mails... the 18k or so pages were mine and my wife's mails etc... it was an EA and no remorse... when i confronted her with all .. she said that she is relieved and glad... now after a month or so she told me that it should not have happened this way and i am a very nice man and best father ever .. !! what is the meaning of all this ??


The fog is lifting a bit. 

Can someone post the 180 rules for our friend.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

mik said:


> @Angryandused : the person has mailed me only her and her office colleagues chats and mails... the 18k or so pages were mine and my wife's mails etc... it was an EA and no remorse... when i confronted her with all .. she said that she is relieved and glad... now after a month or so she told me that it should not have happened this way and i am a very nice man and best father ever .. !! what is the meaning of all this ??


Oy, you are a nice man.

Translation:

I love you but I'm not in love with you.

or

You are so beta I can't possibly be attracted to you. You're like my brother or father.

or

You just don't make my private parts tingle anymore but since I still want sex I'll be getting it with someone who does make me tingle.

or

Since I can walk all over you I feel like you are the woman in this relationship and I'm not a lesbian.


However you slice it, you're toast.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> i remained calm in all conversation and i think he was also honest with me ... he accepted that they had physical relationship whereas my wife clearly denies it .


Who has a reason to lie here?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorce your wife and demand primary custody, she is the one that cheated, she is the one that ended the family, she is the one who you'd lose it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Everything! Give her copies of everything you have. Then immediately go to your wife's business and tell HR.


:iagree: You have to do it for yourself and for your child! Your wife seems to have the notion that she can do anything that she damn well pleases to do! It's time to move on for you and your child~trust me, somebody out there is absolutely going to love you for the man that you truly are! Best of luck, my friend!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> The fog is lifting a bit.
> 
> Can someone post the 180 rules for our friend.


Look in my signature block below.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mik,

Your wife has no legal right to remove your child from the family home. If you allow her to keep your child 40 miles away you will lose most of your custody rights to your child.

Please see an attorney yesterday and get a custody arrangement in place ASAP. Have this done as an emergency.

And also, as others have said, protect yourself financially.

Start treating your wife as described in the 180 in my signature block below.

If there is any chance of you getting your wife back doing the 180 and filing for divorce will do it. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time until it's final. And you can even remarry afterwards.

But using the 180 and filing will show you wife that you are taking this serious and if she does not want to break up your family she has to get on board with recovery ASAP.

You can let her know the terms under which you will agree to reconcile... to include end of the affair, she quits her job, you both go to MC together and handle your issues and her affair.

And taht you will not stop the divorce until you two have worked on the marriage for say 6 months.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Told the other mans wife yet? That's your biggest weapon to break up the affair.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I can understand you mik, you are still in love with your wife, you want to forgive her and take her back But sorry you are wrong no man can forgive this kind of behaviour unless the WW spouse is so remorseful and begging for a chance to save her marriage. she is not remorseful or begging to R but you are ready to forgive her, its not because of love its because of fear!! fear of being alone, fear of unknown people. This is not the time to be afraid to become a real man (she may also be wishing/waiting to see her husband to become a real man), else even if you R without her true remorse then this cheating is going to happen again soon how many times can you forgive her like this? for ever?

This is the time for you to decide to be a real man with self respect and dignity, Dont look for excuses for her cheating, its her choice and she should owe it completely and remorseful else get a lawyer serve her D. dont be a cuckold and a doormat. 
Dont downplay her PA as EA. She bad mouthed you during her affair period, so the length of the affair is too long and what you saw is only a portion of the ice berg. What did you done with your friend, what is his version of the story?
Do the 180, it can strengthen you, take care of yourself. Its time for you to respect and love yourself more than anything.


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

yeah i guess thats all true .. i know that she has used me like a ragdoll.. or doormat .. problem is that i want to make things work bvecause of my daughter ( our )... I am financially Very strong and so is she .. her parents are like multi millionares so she has no problem getting the best lawers in the country .. !! also from the legal point of view if i file a case and show the mails and letters exchanged can i get the custody of chaild ? I can get my mother to live with me till the time permanenet arrangements are made for my 3 year old daughter ... 

I read the 180 rules... its been more than a month and like an a$$ ive been running for any knids R, ive even given her option to live in the house where i pay for everything and live her life the way she wants, ive even suggested her to use the 2nd guest room.... but she has refused. I am unable to understand that why when she has committed this blunder ; still she has no guilt or remorse... this is not the person i met and married ... ive always believed that it takes two to tango and if she has gone out of marriege to obtain any kind of comfort/support ; something must be missing or i must be ignoring lot of things.. i have lost around 9 kilograms in a month ( i am 60 Kg's now  ] havent slept for days and going on anti depressents.. i know i have fkd up big time and i should show some self respect and fight it .. but i cant ... i ve lost all hope and the life that i knew is over ... probably i have to start a new life ...


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

mik said:


> i ve lost all hope and the life that i knew is over ... probably i have to start a new life ...


When you really examine it, you should be glad the life you knew is over and you can start a new life. You were/are married to a woman that doesn't give a rats azz about you and you need to get rid of her. Most of what you feel is rejection. I could get into what caused it, but that not important now. You lost this chick a long time ago but ignored the signs. 
Believe me, you are no different than most. When their relationship breaks up, its the worst time in their life. A year or so later, they are head over heals in love with someone else claiming they have now found their sole mate.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

mik said:


> yeah i guess thats all true .. i know that she has used me like a ragdoll.. or doormat .. problem is that i want to make things work bvecause of my daughter ( our )... I am financially Very strong and so is she .. her parents are like multi millionares so she has no problem getting the best lawers in the country .. !! also from the legal point of view if i file a case and show the mails and letters exchanged can i get the custody of chaild ? I can get my mother to live with me till the time permanenet arrangements are made for my 3 year old daughter ...
> 
> I read the 180 rules... its been more than a month and like an a$$ ive been running for any knids R, ive even given her option to live in the house where i pay for everything and live her life the way she wants, ive even suggested her to use the 2nd guest room.... but she has refused. I am unable to understand that why when she has committed this blunder ; still she has no guilt or remorse... this is not the person i met and married ... ive always believed that it takes two to tango and if she has gone out of marriege to obtain any kind of comfort/support ; something must be missing or i must be ignoring lot of things.. i have lost around 9 kilograms in a month ( i am 60 Kg's now  ] havent slept for days and going on anti depressents.. i know i have fkd up big time and i should show some self respect and fight it .. but i cant ... i ve lost all hope and the life that i knew is over ... probably i have to start a new life ...


Answering these questions is why you consult with a good shark attorney asap. There are no good reasons to have an affair. It doesn't matter what you did or did not do. Time to get on the ball.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

mik said:


> yeah i guess thats all true .. i know that she has used me like a ragdoll.. or doormat .. problem is that i want to make things work bvecause of my daughter ( our )... I am financially Very strong and so is she .. her parents are like multi millionares so she has no problem getting the best lawers in the country .. !! also from the legal point of view if i file a case and show the mails and letters exchanged can i get the custody of chaild ? I can get my mother to live with me till the time permanenet arrangements are made for my 3 year old daughter ...
> 
> I read the 180 rules... its been more than a month and like an a$$ ive been running for any knids R, ive even given her option to live in the house where i pay for everything and live her life the way she wants, ive even suggested her to use the 2nd guest room.... but she has refused. I am unable to understand that why when she has committed this blunder ; still she has no guilt or remorse... this is not the person i met and married ... ive always believed that it takes two to tango and if she has gone out of marriege to obtain any kind of comfort/support ; something must be missing or i must be ignoring lot of things.. i have lost around 9 kilograms in a month ( i am 60 Kg's now  ] havent slept for days and going on anti depressents.. i know i have fkd up big time and i should show some self respect and fight it .. but i cant ... i ve lost all hope and the life that i knew is over ... probably i have to start a new life ...


Shes still in love with the other man. He doesn't want anything from her but sex. Thats why you out him to his wife. After you
out him he will throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage. No doubt he is still banging your wife. OUT HIM NOW


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Bump for update. How you doing mik?


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

since your financially very strong(your words) you hire the best darn lawter you can afford. sounds like your more afraid of her mom and dad and their money.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

mik get your child home, demand she be home


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

hey guys... 
many thanks for the support and help.. bit of update. i met the OM, as mentioned earlier he is sh1t scared of his wife and he was virtually begging me not to show them to his wife. He said he felt used and abused just like me ,,, he told me a different story about how my W has painted a very tainted picture in front of her whole office (esp him) about me being emotionally numb and that i dont understand her feelings etc... kinda stone cold man. i has a 2 hour chat with him and i felt he was honest about most of the things. 

my wife hasnt changed her attitude and still behaving like i have committed some grave crime... i still feel very much suicidal and fear that things might never go right .. not for me but for her and our daughter as well ... and i cant see anything bad happening to either of them. 

i started 180 route but it was a failure as i myself send her a message .. but i will try again ... honestly i dont want to destroy the OM's life as i know for sure he will get into serious trouble, might get divorce , but at the same time i am very very angry. i dont want to approach my wife's office or sue the organization for soliciting illicit behavior but i cant get over what has happened.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

mik said:


> hey guys...
> many thanks for the support and help.. bit of update. i met the OM, as mentioned earlier he is sh1t scared of his wife and he was virtually begging me not to show them to his wife. He said he felt used and abused just like me ,,, he told me a different story about how my W has painted a very tainted picture in front of her whole office (esp him) about me being emotionally numb and that i dont understand her feelings etc... kinda stone cold man. i has a 2 hour chat with him and i felt he was honest about most of the things.
> 
> my wife hasnt changed her attitude and still behaving like i have committed some grave crime... i still feel very much suicidal and fear that things might never go right .. not for me but for her and our daughter as well ... and i cant see anything bad happening to either of them.
> ...


Just like you cannot trust a word that comes out of your wife’s mouth, you cannot trust a word that comes out of the OM’s mouth. They are both liars and deceivers. That is proven beyond any doubt whatsoever.


Believe me you will not go at all wrong if you follow the advice given to you here. These people are far better than any advice you will get anywhere else, no matter how much you’d pay for it.


So let the OM’s wife know what’s been going on. And do her the same favour that your wife’s colleague did you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mik is such a Nice Guy! 

So sweet of him to put the OM's feelings before his own. 

I bet if I drove my truck over to his house he'd wash and vacuuum it for me, no charge!


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

mik, gotta quit being a doormat! christ now ur rolling over for the guy that banged your wife...grab your nads and tell her.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

mik said:


> hey guys...
> many thanks for the support and help.. bit of update. i met the OM, as mentioned earlier he is sh1t scared of his wife and he was virtually begging me not to show them to his wife. He said he felt used and abused just like me ,,, he told me a different story about how my W has painted a very tainted picture in front of her whole office (esp him) about me being emotionally numb and that i dont understand her feelings etc... kinda stone cold man. i has a 2 hour chat with him and i felt he was honest about most of the things.
> 
> my wife hasnt changed her attitude and still behaving like i have committed some grave crime... i still feel very much suicidal and fear that things might never go right .. not for me but for her and our daughter as well ... and i cant see anything bad happening to either of them.
> ...


Please the guy is cheating with your wife and will say anything to protect himself. 

Get off your rear seat and expose the affair to his wife and his work . You cannot save your marriage hiding away the truth.

What is the single item waywards fear? Exposure , as it tells people the truth about them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Forget suicide, no one person should have the ability to control your emotional and mental well being, now go man up and bring your kid home, she has no right to take your kid away from you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Forget suicide, no one person should have the ability to control your emotional and mental well being, now go man up and bring your kid home, she has no right to take your kid away from you.


For real. Talk to a lawyer. Get your kid back. She's playing you.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mik,

you were being played by her, and now you are being played by him.

This affair must end before your wife can even begin to see you as an option again. 

Exposing the OM is the thing that will make the affair too costly for him to continue in it.

Instead of doing that, you talked to him and let him give you a sob story that resulted in you seeing his as a helpless victim and you feeling you need to protect him.

Really?

He's a grown man who has been having an affair with your wife. He is now convinced you not to do anything about it. To basically give him a free pass - you know what he'll do with that pass - he will continue the affair.

You are trying to play nice guy consensus builder in a pool a sharks- you really gotta step up you game and play hardball - because this pair are walking all over you.


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

probably today for the first time i hit the wall... realised that its all finished ... my fear for losing myself and knowing the fact that i will never be able to hold my daughter in my arms like i used to , i will be never able to see my wifes face through the strands of her hair .. never will be able to smell them; and react as soon as they come over my face ... i wont be able to do that ever ... never can i see her her sitting close to me or look into her eyes while she is doing something random.. i can never get angey at her for coooking on holidays and can never ask her to come and sit close to me rather than wasting her time cooking .. and never can i rely on her for ordering out .... i was scared to know that we will probably never will come close again.. thats a terryfing fact . this is horrible. this is a nightmare and this is certainly a kind of death. i know. The "me" i know started to die the day she left me but probably today he is gone.. 



... . small things big things ... more than anythying everything in my life was dependend on her... no matter what i did or wanted to do she was there ... involved somehow and somewhere ... she were always there with me , probably she never realised it , but she wre there ... always. everyone who know me know her.. many people saw us as the best couple, the role couple, the model couple .....everyone was SO wrong.. we certainly are not.. ! how hard it is for me to realise that ... that i will surely live a misreble alone life .. i am scared of tomorrow and have no strength left. i tried to do the worse; but again i am too too scared to do it as well... 


probably today i realised that my life is really finished . like i live it and like i know my life. its been abruptly laid to rest. today probably was the first day of my life when i got up crying... as soon i opened my eyes i burst into tears..... today was the first time i realised that no matter how i try and how much i want probably SHE will never share anything with me ... i sobbed again .. .i always say that i miss her and yes i do .. its not just i miss her in the empty house but i miss her when i am at work, when i am driving when i am thinking ... i miss her all the time and i know now that i cannot be with her ... there is rage in me .. there is a part of me which wants to live , the part which was holding me back, keeping me sane and wanted me to TRY , TRY and try no matter what , to make things right or at least work in the direction of making things right. 



This is a black day. This was a black day. 


what needs to be done. i cannot understand.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

mik said:


> hey guys...
> many thanks for the support and help.. bit of update. i met the OM, as mentioned earlier he is sh1t scared of his wife and he was virtually begging me not to show them to his wife. He said he felt used and abused just like me ,,, he told me a different story about how my W has painted a very tainted picture in front of her whole office (esp him) about me being emotionally numb and that i dont understand her feelings etc... kinda stone cold man. i has a 2 hour chat with him and i felt he was honest about most of the things.
> 
> my wife hasnt changed her attitude and still behaving like i have committed some grave crime... i still feel very much suicidal and fear that things might never go right .. not for me but for her and our daughter as well ... and i cant see anything bad happening to either of them.
> ...


You feel bad for the man who was sticking his d!ck in your wife! In fact, you feel worse for him than the wife he is cheating on!!

*Really!*

You don't want to approach your wife's employer even though everyone at her office has been told what a douche bag you are and probably knows about the affair!

*Really!*

Your wife allowed another man to have sex with her and is treating you like you committed a crime. And you are just sitting around with a thumb up your a$$!

*Really!*

If you don't handle your business you deserve everything you will get.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

First get your kid back , second understand she was one part and experience in your life, you saw it differently than she did, you assume and expected too much, why are you denying your self all the opportunity god has created for you cause of her? Get your kid back, first, u see my email, email me and I will email you an awareness exercise u must do daily to regain control of your mind.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mik: Let's get ahold of our self first. Then once that's done, I want you to get on your knees and thank the Almighty for all that is right in your life. Start with your child. Quit dealing with Point A to Point B stuff; move on to your and your child's future.

Go to church! Any church that fosters your Christian nature. The pastors there will be more than happy to counsel you, because whether you've accepted Christ as your personal Saviour or not is immaterial. You are still one of His children and He loves you beyond measure. And do not fear going to Church. The true Christians there will love, embrace, and offer counsel to you. Just remember that "all have sinned and have come short of the glory of God." And if you can afford it, get into IC with a Christian counselor for they will do you an absolute world of good. But do this and stay on this site because the vast majority of us on here deeply care about you as a person and want to help you carry your cross and your burden, much the same as we'd like for you to help us in carrying ours.

Christ taught us to care for and love one another unconditionally whether it is compassion or tough-love that you're receiving here. Seek that help today in getting on with the rest of your life and your childs life. 

May His peace come upon you and continue to be with you always!


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Mik, I'm so sorry man. You just have to look after your daughter and urgently get professional help to deal with your PTSD.

Guys, ease up on him, he's a broken man.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Mik---I hope I read you wrong, and that you are not contemplating suicide----You have a very huge responsibility, and that is to be the father of your daughter, for as long as you are on this planet----hopefully, that will be a very long time---YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS HER FATHER---whether it be in a divorced situation, or a reconciled mge---your daughter needs her father

Things look/are bleak right now---but you cannot force your wife to do anything, she doesn't want to do----if she has decided to move on---then so be it---

You must put the woman you married and loved and described to rest----your wife is not that woman any more

You will see in time, that life can be/will be good---the sun will come up manana, and eventually you will move into a new life---into a world that does actually have happiness in it---hopefully down the line you will meet someone else, and the woman you married, but had to put to rest, will fade from your memory, and be replaced by a new and wonderful woman, who will take care of you for the rest of your years----

Right now this doesn't seem possible to you---but the future is out there, you just have to go after it----be good, take care of yourself, stand tall, and remember MOST OF ALL, YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS HER FATHER IN HER LIFE.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mik, stop crying man. Be a man.
Get up.


----------



## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

I hope you are not a troll because some of the stuff your write seems very immature and desperate. I will try and keep it short and straight to the point.

1. You should have let the other man's wife know about the affair that would have caused reality to hit your wife in the face and she would have probably come back to you or at least been confronted with the consequences of her actions.

2. You should have at least considered a divorce rather than beg all the time and giving her all the power while you waited like a door mat. By acting the way you did , you made your wife respect you even less because you did not resepct yourself.

3. Cut this bull**** about wanting to stay together for your daughter. It's just an excuse...you are co dependent on your wife and are too afraid to be alone so you use the excuse of having a daughter to justify your co dependency issues.\

4. You are depressed and suicidal because of the pain you bring to yourself with these actions rather than respect YOURSELF you defer everything towards your wife's feelings even if it means messing up your emotional well being but yet you refuse to do anything to improve your situation. The woman you are in love with is not the woman you are with now, you are still attached to an idealized version of your wife and you don't see your wife for who she really is. The sad thing is, none of this is going to be any good for your daughter. 

The first thing you should do is expose the affair to the OMW and thn prepare for divorce after. If she turns around and is actually remorseful then you will be alright, if she doesn't then you shouldn't have stayed with her in the first place, win/win. Get to work my friend


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

_"honestly i dont want to destroy the OM's life as i know for sure he will get into serious trouble, might get divorce"_

this guy destroyed his life all by himself. 


you need to totally expose this, seeing as your wife hasn't incurred any consequences for her bad behavior. maybe full exposure will bring her down from the pedestal you still prop her up on. 

these are not "good" people(her & OM), by any means. belive that!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you believe your wife and the other man when they say he is afraid of his wife. That was just their plan to shut you up. They are cheaters. If a cheaters lips move it means they are lying. They know you are a nice, good man and they can walk all over you. Their plan is to get her out of your house so they can have their affair and keep his wife in the dark. He gets two families.

Tell his wife now or just forget your family. Then when he throws your wife under the bus to save his marriage you may be able to get your family back. Right now don't believe anything they say.

The people here have been through all this and much worse, listen to them, it WILL help.



Read up at this link;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

And go here;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

mik,

Go to a Psychiatrist for an emergency appointment. If you can't get in to see one, go to your Doctor. Get some meds to help with your depression and anxiety.

Stay away from Booze. Start working out. Working out is one of the best antidepressants and anti-anxiety solutions there are.



You are suffering from Oneitis. You need to develop an abundance mentality. There are around 3.2 BILLION women on the planet. Do you really think that you can't find 1 good one out of 3.2 billion of them, if that is what you ultimately want?

Your cheating, remorseless, using, lying wife does not have a golden vajayjay. She was not who you thought she was. She was an illusion. The sooner you realize that, I mean REALLY realize it in your heart, the better.

You aren't going to lose your daughter. You might end up seeing her half of the time, but you can handle that. When you don't have her, you can still call her everyday. You will mean as much to her as you do now. You will always be Daddy to her. Nobody can take that away from you unless you do something stupid, like let yourself give in to the darkness.

You have to be strong for your daughter. With a mother like hers, your daughter is going to need you to teach her how to be a healthy adult. Nobody else can do that but you. She looks to you to serve as a role model as to what a good man should be, and that will continue till the last day of your life. Now how do you show her?

Good men aren't weak. You need to Cowboy up, and kick some butt (figuratively.)

See a counselor. But see a lawyer first. Get the best one you can find in the area. Let him do his thing.

Burn the OM to his wife. The other man's wife deserves to know. Aren't you glad someone was willing to help you out by keeping you from continuing to live a lie? Do this poor woman the same favor. That guy was scr3wing your wife and laughing at you about it. Get the last laugh.

Nobody else in this world will stand up for you but you. Start standing up for yourself, man.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts, but please consider why you would even WANT to love and stay with someone who has cheated on you twice. You deserve better. Get individual counseling, please, and prepare to leave her. This is a marriage not worth saving--her behaviors are beyond the pale. Good luck.


----------



## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Mik, Someone provided the info to you. Are you glad they sent it or would you have preferred to find out 18 - 24 months down the road after the affair had been ongoing for months or years?

If you are glad you found out now, don't you think the OMW deserves the same open, honest truth given to her that was given to you? The truth is what is deserved. From there it is HER decision and HER choice what actions to take. To deprive her the right to make that choice, you are not much better than cheating yourself as you are enabling and prolonging a lie in HER case.

Q~


----------



## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

C'mon buddy, pick yourself up and dust yourself off man! Not to belittle what you are going through but life is all about facing adversity. You can do this! 

Another thing about life is that it's made up of chapters. What you're going through is just the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. 

If I look back on my life, the last 5 years were better than the 5 before that, and so on...

as long as you make good decisions FOR YOURSELF then there is no reason why your next chapter can't be so much better than the last one!

As far as your daughter is concerned...you have countless memories still to make with her! 

But right now you need to get your s___t together (pardon my french) and suck it up. 

What your daughter needs most from you right now is for you to show some real character and you're not going to find that faced down in the dirt. 

Get up!


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

Heya guys... i cant thank you all much for the support... i know i have to pick myself up .. 180 or no 180 but i need to carry on ... as far as me being a pu55y is concerned .. well i was deeply in love and received same as well.. so it was / still is very difficult for it to let go. but as they say life goes on. I am and will always be thankful to the guy who provided me with the information and i will do the same by sending all the mails, msg's and letters to OM's wife; she deserves to know it as well. As far as my daughter is concerned .. i will always be her father .. no matter what so am going to a lawer but rather i have just bought a harrley davidson and am going for a month long vaccation across europe.... ( wont go for a vacction for anniversery for sure ) ... 
i think it will take me few months ..maybe more to get back but have to do it for sake of myself and my daughter. 
will keep posing regarding the new developments ... 
thanks all again...


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mik,
Slow down buddy.

It sounds like you have found your balls and that is good.

Get the emails to the OM's wife. Also send them to your in laws so they see the truth too.

Go see an attorney just so you understand your rights concerning your marriage and daughter. If you go away for a month it could look like you abandoned your family not your wife.

Then go away and go dark on your wife.

Handle your issues first then get on your Harley!!

HM64


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mik: Now is not the time for vacation. It is much rather the time for you to go totally dark on your STBXW and for formulating plans with your attorney for your divorce and the ultimate custody of your daughter. There will be plenty of time later on for vacation; although it might feel like it, now is not that time. There are major priorities here and sorry to say, vacation just isn't one of them!

Immediately channel your energy into the filing and getting some muchly needed help from a good Christian family counselor both for you and your daughters peace of mind.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to talk to a lawyer. If you leave, she may be able to charge you with abandonment and make it very difficult or impossible for you to see your kids. Be strong and play smart.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mik that's not a vacation - that's you running away hoping it will be better or gone away when you return.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If you read the Nice Guy link that chap provided for you you'd see that running away from confrontations is just another Nice Guy tactic. You need to change your life around. Not for her but for you. Otherwise you'll always be running and genuflecting to others.


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

@Arbitrator : probabl yyou are right !! its not the right time for a vacation and i should be preparing myself for bigger action and face things head on. am sorry i am non-religious; so going to a religious councilor won’t help.

My wife came over few days ago to have a "chat" she proposed divorce ... is she taking the 180 route ? putting more and more pressure one me and making my life a living hell... also she knows that i am not in favour / never in favour of divorce she has started talking about it . i believe that from broken family kids suffer the most. i love my daughter and i am ready to let her be with her mother is thats the best for her. but at the same time i will not stop the fight for the right of her custody. 

She (W) keeps telling me that its my fault why and how she did it .. that she was forced to look for peace and solace outside our marriage .. i somewhat actually have started believing in it; at the same time i know its BS.

what should i do .. how to counter attack 180 ?


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She is firmly in control of the situation. It is obvious you are afraid to lose her, you are not mentally in position to "counter attack".

Any move of yours at this point (sans filing first) is a weak move.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You don't counter. You divorce her. The 180 isn't to manipulate her, its to help heal yourself. Just tell her yes, and move on.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Mik, your concern for your daughter re the negative effects of a broken home are valid, but believe me it's much worse growing up in an intact home where the parents hate each other.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

instead of tring to counter-attack, just go dark(except for daughter issues) and divorce. silience speaks volumns


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If we look at reasons why we the BS contribute to marriage issues there may or will be a lot or a few. Read the treads here on TAM and you see horror stories of marriage woes or marriages that were great. 

But if we look at reasons that we the BS are to blame for the WS having an A. I hear crickets.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mik DO NOT believe her blame shifting for one moment. Even spouses close to being ideal get cheated on so don't think for one minute her BS. If you were exhibiting any shortcomings in the marriage, she had an obligation/duty to bring up to you and give you a chance to correct it. She didn't, did she? So what does she do? She starts having affairs with other men. Now that is mature, isn't it? 

Listen, cheaters tend to demonize their spouses in order to justify the unjustifiable and make themselves feel better. Female cheaters are notorious for doing this because they have bought into the 'unfulfilled emotional needs' concept to justify their betrayal to their husbands. But the truth that is inconvenient for them to face up to is that they had other options, one being counseling and the other divorce.

The fact is that you didn't set her up with those men, you didn't take her to them and undressed her to have sex with them, she did that all that without your help. *Both of you contributed to the marital environment but only she is 100% responsible for her betrayal.* The next time she starts with her BS blame shifting, consider saying to her "Yes I suppose you MUST lie to yourself and others to justify your betrayal, isn't that right?" and leave her alone.


----------



## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Mik, this post may offend you, but I think it has to be written because you are a gigantic doormat and need to be slapped hard in the face…. to wake you up, for the sake of your daughter, who appears to have been completely abandoned by you. The only glimmer of fire inside you, it appears, is your alleged love for your daughter, so I’m going to exploit that. Here we go. 

I am not convinced that you love your daughter. Seriously, read that sentence again. Someone who loves their child would…

1.	Never allow anyone to take their child from their home without a fight. You have done nothing, zip, zero, squat, nada, to bring your child home. Not only is that pathetic, but it’s a slap in the face to your daughter. A man who wouldn’t go to the ends of the earth or do anything (within reason) possible to get his child back is no man at all. Doesn’t sound like love to me.
2.	A father who loves their child would seek legal advice IMMEDIATELY on how to protect the welfare of their child, whatever that took. You seem indifferent towards the whole thing, and in fact you are scared of retaining an attorney altogether for whatever made up reason you could grasp at (I think it was that your wife could also hire an even meaner attorney. OOOO SCARY!!!1! That’s totally a good and valid reason for leaving your daughter swinging in the wind because you are too much of a coward to seek legal advice).
3.	Fathers who love their children don’t decide to go on a vacation for a month while their children have been stolen from the home. I can just imagine the conversation with the police you would have if she was kidnapped one day:

Officer: Mik, you say they left a ransom note demanding 30,000 dollars for the release of your daughter. How do you want to play this?

Mik: Dunno, I’m going to be motorcycling through Europe for the next month. KTHNXBYE!

Officer: ??????

4.	And finally, real fathers put their children first, always and forever. You haven’t done that at all. Nope, you are too busy focusing on protecting the OM’s feelings. You remember the OM, that poor poor man who needs consolation because f’ing your wife was so emotionally straining for him? You are too busy worrying about how the people at work view you due to your wife’s lies (but of course, not willing to do anything about it). And if the office knows, you can bet (as you have already confirmed) that friends and family will hear and believe her story. AND THAT WILL TRICKLE DOWN TO YOUR DAUGHTER. But still….you do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Sorry Mik, I call BS on you loving your daughter; actions speak louder than words and your actions demonstrate a complete lack of regard for your daughter, and for yourself. This is coming from someone who doesn’t know you….imagine what your wife and family think of you and your complete lack of action? I can give you a hint….they think you are a lousy father, a weak individual, and someone who won’t/can’t say NO to anything. Are they right? If they are right, WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT IT?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mik said:


> @Arbitrator : probabl yyou are right !! its not the right time for a vacation and i should be preparing myself for bigger action and face things head on. am sorry i am non-religious; so going to a religious councilor won’t help.
> 
> My wife came over few days ago to have a "chat" she proposed divorce ... is she taking the 180 route ? putting more and more pressure one me and making my life a living hell... also she knows that i am not in favour / never in favour of divorce she has started talking about it . i believe that from broken family kids suffer the most. i love my daughter and i am ready to let her be with her mother is thats the best for her. but at the same time i will not stop the fight for the right of her custody.
> 
> ...


mik:

Like my STBXW, yours also seems to separate herself from any liability for any of your marital problems. I richly think that it's just the inherent nature of not wanting to own up and take responsibility. In my situation, the only written communication that I have received from her is so revealing of her nature that it totally has only one mention of the pronouns "we" or "us" or "yours," but more than 20 mentions of the pronouns "I," "me," or "mine." That's a rather telling analysis of where her priorities now seem to lie. And it appears that yours is really no exception.

Now if you don't want a Christian Counselor, that's your business. If not, get in touch with a good IC. They'll still be able to help. But if you should ever reach such a low point in your life over this situation, that it literally brings you to your knees, and you don't know where to turn, please let me counsel you about the unending love of our Heavenly Father, for whether you are a Christian or not, He loves you beyond any measure that you'll ever know. And while I greatly care for your pain and suffering on this earthly plain, I care even more for your eternal salvation. I'm not what you would call a religious fanatic, as I'm just about as mainstream as they come. But I feel that I'm eminently qualified to share that "good news" with you.

I'm here if you ever need or want to talk about it! God's Peace!


----------



## Archie (Mar 16, 2012)

Mik,
I hope that by this time you've mailed off copies of communication to the other man's wife and are on your new Harley, gaining the true concept of what freedom is that only riders understand. If you are riding, you're also rediscovering who YOU are and the confidence in yourself that "being in the wind" embodies. I sicerely hope that the OMW has the copies and that all hell is breaking loose for the two fornicators. Dude, clear your head now. Learn what true self-reliance is and write off the name-calling and flak you've gotten in this very place off to amateurish, armchair idjuts that have no real grasp of YOUR reality.
If you're on the road riding, you are EXACTLY where you need to and should be, for there is no better therapy than removing yourself from a screwed up situation, stepping back and evaluating it from a distance.
You're spot on when you say your daughter is and ALWAYS WILL BE -your daughter-, regardless the thoughtless indescretions of your (hopefully) soon to be ex-wife. The relationship between you does NOT have to be hindered or limited by the past. Think of her and build a beautiful relationship from a pile of ****; you CAN do this.
This is an opportunity, borther. Move along, find your new self and make us proud.
Ride safe, amigo.


----------



## mik (Mar 5, 2012)

@arbitrator @KirkSpock @morituri @archie and everyone else... few new developments ... 

for a while now i was feeling that whenever she has to get something done from me ... like is she wants something from the house ( like the Bl00dy Espresso machine, which she took few days ago or music or dvd's) she acts a bit nicely ( though she is never nice to me at all otherwise, or even decent enough). so i tested this theory yet again.. for last 2 days she's been asking if i will go to her parents place ( where she is with my daughter now) to see our daughter , when i go there she was there both times and she talked nicely and asked me how i am etc etc ... even offered that if i want i can take our daughter to MY place and she can stay overnight ... i knew that instance something BIG Is coming .. she called this morning and told me that she is planning to put our daughter in a prep school ( she will be 3 in may) and that the joining fees is approx 39.5k and another 2750 a month and if i would like to contribute anything... well... ive told her that i will pay the entire fees etc, and monthly fees as well.. cause as a matter of fact i easily can and not just that i am sure she otherwise will keeping going on telling everyone i know about how miser i am .l.. am not afraid of that but if she puts our daughter in some BS school then ...?? 

so that is something i have realized . i have told her not to contact me unless too necessary or if its about our daughter.. by either text or mail. 

about the bike and other responsibilities... probably i went overboard by purchasing the bike but am enjoying it ... i take it for a spin to the close by coffee shop and enjoy a coffee there {she took my Espresso machine ;( }

i have set up a trust for my daughter so her education part is taken care of , also i have consulted some of the better lawyers and i can get the custody in time.. but it will take time ... which i really really dont want as it will have bad effect on my daughter... she is with her mom and i know no matter she is with me she is great with our daughter... i know i might be sounding a softy here .. but thats the truth... i can go to meet her whenever i want ... and now i can get her to my place whenever i want ... i dont want anything else.. when our daughter grows up and will understand ... she can then choose where she wants to live... its that simple for me now... i know we as a couple are done .. i was hoping to get back - on certain conditions of course.. but now with the awake of april... i think things are more clear and straight ..!! and NO i have not informed OM's wife. i met him again. i know from my wife's office ppl ( one guy who used to work in my company in IT has joined there and i saved him couple of times) ... that she and OM are virtually avoiding each other even in important meetings.. either of them is always absent.. he has got his timings changed a bit and now leaves 3 hours before my wife... 

well i dont care anymore , not about them 2 at least.. just my daughter... she is my priority .. on top of all.

guys thanks again for all the support... i must have read all of it many times... still ill keep you posted on any new developments ... cheers


----------



## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

mik said:


> and NO i have not informed OM's wife.


I am happy you are making progress, but VERY disappointed to hear you have not told OMW.

You love your daughter right? *what if OMW was your daughter*? She is someone daughter and mother and deserves to know truth. Would you want your daughter treated this way some day? She deserves to know she is living a lie!!!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mik said:


> ... just my daughter... she is my priority ...


You're a good man, mik, and an even better father! Give that daughter of yours a big hug and kiss from all of us here at TAM! We greatly care about you both!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

mik, OMW deserve's to know the truth. Just like you know it she has to know as well. Letting her know now is the best thing you can do.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

mik said:


> @arbitrator @KirkSpock @morituri @archie and everyone else... few new developments ...
> 
> for a while now i was feeling that whenever she has to get something done from me ... like is she wants something from the house ( like the Bl00dy Espresso machine, which she took few days ago or music or dvd's) she acts a bit nicely ( though she is never nice to me at all otherwise, or even decent enough). so i tested this theory yet again.. for last 2 days she's been asking if i will go to her parents place ( where she is with my daughter now) to see our daughter , when i go there she was there both times and she talked nicely and asked me how i am etc etc ... even offered that if i want i can take our daughter to MY place and she can stay overnight ... i knew that instance something BIG Is coming .. she called this morning and told me that she is planning to put our daughter in a prep school ( she will be 3 in may) and that the joining fees is approx 39.5k and another 2750 a month and if i would like to contribute anything... well... ive told her that i will pay the entire fees etc, and monthly fees as well.. cause as a matter of fact i easily can and not just that i am sure she otherwise will keeping going on telling everyone i know about how miser i am .l.. am not afraid of that but if she puts our daughter in some BS school then ...??
> 
> ...


Its good that you are moving on but in reality you cannot say you did everything to try to work things out with your wife. The fact that they still see each other in work means that in their minds the affair never ended. She never could return to you in that circumstance. Had you exposed to the OMW she may have forced him to quit his job. You don't know and never will know if that one action could have turned things around. As long as you can live with how things finished I suppose that's good for you. Me, I just hate loose ends and "what ifs."


----------



## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

MIK, while you are still making some mistakes, I am very glad to see you moving in the right direction. I understand this is quite possibly the most shocking, jarring, and emotionally draining experience a person could experience, so I'm not going to "beat you up" like I did in my first post to you  
Just hang in there, TRY TRY TRY to follow the excellent advice given here (ESPECIALLY about informing the OMW.....as of right now, you are the OM's ACCOMPLICE in the affair, so long as you withhold from the OM's wife that she is, in fact, part of a cuckold. I also think it will make you feel VERY empowered to inform the OM wife, but that's just a personal opinion).
Also, try not to kid yourself about your daughter magically understanding everything when she gets older. She will understand what she is CONDITIONED to understand. If she's living with her mother 90% of the time, you can already guess how she'll be conditioned to view YOU (ie: you are the "scumbag", "weakling", "unavailable" father, or at least, that's what your wife will tell her). You should consider FIGHTING for your daughter so this doesn't happen.

Hang in there!


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, will you stop acting soooo stupid! Have you contacted the OMW? Probably not. Have you contacted the HR department at their work? Probably not. What exactly have you done? The answer is probably nothing. If she wanted to paint you as a monster, you might as well live up to the title and blow her fantasy world up! You need to let her know that there are consquences to her actions.

IF you do expose the affair to the right people, she is going to go nuclear on you and say the most vile things to you. Expect it and also know that this is a normal reaction. The only reason she is being civil and nice right now is because you hold all of the cards and they know it, but you don't! You can make things very difficult for her and legally, there's nothing she can do about it! Conducting an affair on company time is her fault. NOT YOURS!

She's taken your daughter away from you and now she wants to ditch her at some prep school? Why? So she can REALLY live the single life? No husband to live with and no kid to take care of. She's got this all worked out!

Dude, you REALLY need to burst her bubble. GET A LAWYER NOW! Look into if you live in a "no fault" or an "at fault" state. You are WAY behind right now, dude.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Dude, will you stop acting soooo stupid! Have you contacted the OMW? Probably not. Have you contacted the HR department at their work? Probably not. What exactly have you done? The answer is probably nothing. If she wanted to paint you as a monster, you might as well live up to the title and blow her fantasy world up! You need to let her know that there are consquences to her actions.
> 
> IF you do expose the affair to the right people, she is going to go nuclear on you and say the most vile things to you. Expect it and also know that this is a normal reaction. The only reason she is being civil and nice right now is because you hold all of the cards and they know it, but you don't! You can make things very difficult for her and legally, there's nothing she can do about it! Conducting an affair on company time is her fault. NOT YOURS!
> 
> ...


Save your breath crossbar,

mik was given all the advice he would ever need and chose to ignore it all. He might have saved his marriage. At the very least he would have been in better shape than he is now. Instead he decided to throw himself a pity party and he's the only one who showed up. I would say that I hope one day he'll look back and realize what a fool he was but reading his posts I doubt he will ever have that much insight.


----------



## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

mik said:


> for last 2 days she's been asking if i will go to her parents place ( where she is with my daughter now) to see our daughter


Why does she have to repeatedly ask you over the course of 2 days to go see your daughter??




mik said:


> . even offered that if i want i can take our daughter to MY place and she can stay overnight ...


You're the father, you have parental rights, you don't need wife's permission to take your daughter overnite, just DO it. Unless there are compelling reasons why you cannot be with your daughter overnite that you're not sharing with the forum?




mik said:


> about the bike and other responsibilities... probably i went overboard by purchasing the bike but am enjoying it ...


Imagine how this will look in a custody trial. You can't be alone with your daughter without mom's permission, she has to practically beg you to come see her, rather than demand to see her or file legal motions for visitation you buy a motorcycle and take off work and go away for a month long vacation. 




mik said:


> and now i can get her to my place whenever i want ...


You always could. It's not up to your wife. You are letting her call all the shots and offering no resistance at all. If she changes her mind next week you going to go along with that too?



mik said:


> and NO i have not informed OM's wife.


None of that matters regardless of what so many told you on this thread. Telling the om's wife, trying to stop the affair, getting revenge on the other man won't get your wife back it will only increase conflict and she'll get even with you by telling you that you can't see your daughter and you'll go along with it like you do everything else.

Also exposing the affair is a card you can play down the line if necessary. Tell her she gives you an easy divorce and you want this, this, and that or you'll expose the affair. 



mik said:


> well i dont care anymore , not about them 2 at least.. just my daughter... she is my priority .. on top of all.


It makes sense not to care about the 2 of them it doesn't make sense that you let your wife dictate when you see your kid.



> also i have consulted some of the better lawyers and i can get the custody in time.. but it will take time


You also wrote that you spoke to attorneys and you will get custody of your daughter at some future point?

No way to know that, and what you've done so far does nothing to strengthen your case for custody and everything to weaken it.


----------



## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> please let me counsel you about the unending love of our Heavenly Father... I'm not what you would call a religious fanatic..
> I'm here if you ever need or want to talk about it! God's Peace!


Yes you are. 

Nothing you wrote about the love of a heavenly father is going to help this guy out one bit. Most of your posts are preaching gospel and no good advice at all.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jectruc said:


> Yes you are.
> 
> Nothing you wrote about the love of a heavenly father is going to help this guy out one bit. Most of your posts are preaching gospel and no good advice at all.


Sometimes there are no viable answers to offer other than trying to implore a distressed person to try some personal inward reflection and then praying about their situation. When there are no apparent answers at hand, then it is their option to exercise their faith and turn their burdens over to God.

I'd much rather encourage them to do that than just offering them up some useless sarcastic answer.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Sometimes there are no viable answers to offer other than trying to implore a distressed person to try some personal inward reflection and then praying about their situation. When there are no apparent answers at hand, then it is their option to exercise their faith and turn their burdens over to God.
> 
> I'd much rather encourage them to do that than just offering them up some useless sarcastic answer.


I'm not a very religious person. Bad experiences with "organized religion." I am spiritual however. Turning toward God in whatever form He/She takes can be very comforting and therapeutic. I hold no hostility toward anyone who tries to help another person find comfort in any form or method.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Mik, have you read "No More Mister Nice Guy" , "His Needs Her Needs" and "Married Man Sex Life".

You seem to be "being taken for a ride."


----------

