# Successful Couples - How Do You Make Joint Decisions?



## Mer-Maid

From minor decisions (house decorating, vacations) to more major ones (financial, car or house purchases) etc. how do you discuss, compromise and decide as a couple?


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## Giro flee

We usually go with whoever has more knowledge on the subject at hand, or whoever has a stronger opinion. 

I like managing money and making long term plans, so that's on me. I usually decide when it is time to replace the furnace, or update insurance. H likes researching products, finding deals, and bargaining so he usually does the actual purchasing of large ticket items after I give the financial ok. 

We are both fairly laid back, both middle children so I think negotiation comes fairly easy for us. It also helps that we have very similar tastes, values, and goals.

(H would never do any home decorating, we'd live in a white, barren home if it was left to him.)


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## soccermom2three

Everything that Mrs.A said above except my husband likes to be involved in decorating just a little bit, like purchasing furniture and paint colors.


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## heartsbeating

We're largely on the same page about most things. I guess we work to our strengths and preferences and discuss. Big decisions are always made together. 

Something like buying a house/home - if one of us digs it and the other isn't so keen - we respect that we both need to feel the same way as it's our home. We'll simply move on to the next option as we feel a home is too important to make compromises. We need to both enjoy living there in whatever way that means for us. We have similar tastes and goals for what we look for though, so the understanding comes pretty easily with that.

He has a thing for cars. For me, so long as it gets us from A to B and without breaking the bank, I'm cool. He selects a couple of options and explains the features and benefits then we decide together, looking to the finances and our needs. I trust he knows what he's doing. He salivates over the Aston Martin but he's not presented it as an option yet so we're all good lol.

Financial - again, we discuss together. The actual managing of the finances is more my domain. Large decisions we make together. Our values and goals are aligned and so we draw on that to help us decide how to work things.

Small decisions.... like which 2 dishes should we get from our fave local Indian take-out is another story. I opt for the vegetarian dishes and he wants the lamb curry (I don't eat lamb) but then he's usually the one picking it up, so he'll return with 3 dishes instead of 2. A vegetarian dish for me, the lamb for him, and another for us to share. He works out that compromise for us. 

With vacations we just consider time of year, climate, how much we want to spend, how far we're willing to travel, the amount of time we have and then start working it out from there as to what makes sense along with what type of vacation we want - relaxing around a pool / bustle of a city / nature and hiking etc. There might be a level of compromise with that but it never feels like it. If one of us needs a quiet, easy travel, then the other just goes with that. It's hardly offensive to need to go relax for a week!

The _way _we make decisions and approach things can be polar opposites though. He will research until he's virtually an expert on the topic. This is great as he makes informed decisions. Me? I'm inclined to be more impulsive and intuitive. At times we no doubt frustrate one another to a small extent but simultaneously we respect this about each other too; seems to bring a sweet balance and make for an interesting life.


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## Coffee Amore

Mer-Maid said:


> From minor decisions (house decorating, vacations) to more major ones (financial, car or house purchases) etc. how do you discuss, compromise and decide as a couple?


So I asked my husband's help to answer this. This is my husband's answer..

"It's a three step process. Step one, my wife asks me what my opinion is on the matter. Step two, I express my opinion and the arguments for and against. Step three, my wife goes ahead and does what she wants."

 

On a serious note, in areas where I know he knows more than I do (cars, finances, household improvements, etc.) I will discuss it with him, but I defer to him since he has more knowledge about those things. In areas where I'm stronger or I take a particular interest, he defers to me because like heartsbeating's husband, I research things to death. My Google-fu is awesome. Where neither one of us has a strength in the topic, we talk and we generally find a way to compromise. 

Big decisions (whether to have children, where to live, whether we should allow relatives to move in with us, whether we should switch employers, etc.) are done together and only if we're both in agreement. We're both laid back people with easy going personalities, so generally we come to the same conclusion even before we've talked about it.


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## over20

You discuss it as a couple, the pros and cons. Do not attack each other. Come to a middle decision. If you can't go back to the drawing board and come back together when to two of you are ready. It's more important that the two of you are on the same page for a major decision than who is really right or wrong.

Blessings


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## Tall

over20 said:


> You discuss it as a couple, the pros and cons. Do not attack each other. Come to a middle decision. If you can't go back to the drawing board and come back together when to two of you are ready. It's more important that the two of you are on the same page for a major decision than who is really right or wrong.
> 
> Blessings


Disclaimer: This is not meant to offend.
But I strongly disagree with your premise, when it comes to major decisions. If the car needs new brakes, there is a right and a wrong decision. The middle ground is not an option. And in any relationship, there will be a string of major decisions where the "middle" decision will result in disaster.

As far as minor decisions go, I agree that the benefit that comes from sharing a joint decision has a value that may be inherently greater than the loss suffered from a suboptimal decision.


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## Married but Happy

We discuss most decisions, and usually whoever has the most knowledge/expertise will have the final say, considering input from the other. When it isn't that kind of decision, such as a vacation, we negoatiate and discuss until we both agree. We mostly like the same things, so it's not hard.

We both have strong opinions (from investments to decorating), but fortunately we are almost always in agreement, so only details need negotiation most of the time. Those other times, we still find agreement pretty easily.


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## NobodySpecial

Mer-Maid said:


> From minor decisions (house decorating, vacations) to more major ones (financial, car or house purchases) etc. how do you discuss, compromise and decide as a couple?


I think, in reality, we both try to have as little opinion as possible. Or kinda of know which things the other guy is going to have opinions about. We are building an addition on the house. He has some definite opinions. I had some thoughts on what I wanted, and mentioned them. He had much stronger opinions that were really different than what I wanted. I was like, ok roll with it. That it gets done is more important than WHAT get done for me, so rock out.


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## SimplyAmorous

Mer-Maid said:


> From minor decisions (house decorating, vacations) to more major ones (financial, car or house purchases) etc. how do you discuss, compromise and decide as a couple?


 We pretty much talk about EVERYTHING.. ..we brain storm together... sometimes it's a "Wait".. sometimes it's a "Lets do this thing, we have the $$, and it will be good"...

It is more ME who comes up with the ideas on *House renovations* (I've wanted to add windows, bust out our kitchen wall, open up a staircase, remodel bathrooms...etc... I call the contractors, get the bids, or we plan it out together ...find plans on the net...if we are going to tackle it ourselves)....Then he is solely in charge & I am his helper...

On *Vacations*....if I waited for him to plan something, we'd never leave the house...this is all on me, he may mention somewhere he'd enjoy...(once we went to a Metal detecting weekend at a Campground...something different).... but I am the sole planner here.. we've done Disney twice but never on Property -those prices would kill us..

With 6 kids, it can be a challenge to find a place to stay if we want to bring them all...many times we look for cabins...being a SAH Mom...  I have the time to gather all of this info... googling, making phone calls, reading Trip Adviser reviews .. juggling our many schedules... I enjoy it....he is always happy with whatever I come up with...

He is more the Over Seer who makes sure the house & cars are SAFE.... if something is in need of repair, he is on it.. I've never had to nag this man... which is a blessing...all the Manly stuff is HIS Domain ...

*Financial*... he makes 95% of the money but I manage it all.. I pay every incoming bill/ credit card...decide what CD's to get...I am very frugal so he's never worried about me overspending..If we are spending too much, I'd be the 1st to say we need to cut back.

*Cars*...he is the Mechanic.. so his decisions....he knows what to look for...He prefers older vehicles so he can work on them himself...He is a Chevy Man, and we've had amazing luck with Buicks -one of our cars we've had for 10 yrs now, only paid $2,000 for it (had 34,000 miles when we drove it off the lot)...he's only replaced the gas tank & a few other things out of the norm... He calls Fords "found on the road dead" due to one of our worst experiences in buying. Of course that one was MY fault, I wanted this cute little stick shift Bronco -but it had more issues than we could handle.

*House Purchases*: We've lived 3 places during our marriage... both of us are country lovers..in our early yrs we would drive around looking at anything for sale in the boonies we might be able to afford (not too choosy we just wanted land & privacy)....our 1st rented house was so small but the property was beautiful...3 private acres up on a hill...

Our 2nd house -we needed something in a pinch..we did buy it -but we both hated the location....(too "suburban", neighbors too close)...so we worked on it like MAD so we could sell it & 2 yrs later we did...the house we have now is our dream house...750 ft off the road....we plan to be here till we hit dirt..


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## heartsbeating

Adding to this, hubs recently told me that we needed to be up early the next morning as he'd arranged an electrician to sort things in relation to our upcoming renovation and a new washing machine and dryer was also being delivered. I knew nothing about it. He made a good choice for our needs because he's the type to research! He purchased the washer and dryer on-line and it was all sorted by the time I got home from work. The difference it makes for laundry days! and we'll sell it with our home as having high quality appliances. 

There's gotta be room to just make the call on some things... but big decisions we make together.


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## Plan 9 from OS

My wife and I talk about almost everything - big or small - and come up with a decision together. Even if one is more knowledgeable about an issue than the other, the info is shared so that we can both make an informed decision.

I think this mindset naturally extends from the fact that we tackle household chores together for most things. We'll do yard work together and spring clean together.


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## nikoled

My husband works a bazillion hours so generally I make decisions on most things, but anything major I would always bring up for discussion. I WISH he would be more involved quite honestly and I am trying to pull him into more decision making with me. Working as partners is something we are working on  Prior to recently we were kind of living our own parallel lines with him providing us with $$ and me doing everything else. It was a lonely place for both of us and we have acknowledged and are trying hard to fix- it's working by the way. Baby steps.


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