# Husband actively pursues online relationships



## Gallop77 (Dec 6, 2017)

I have been in my marriage almost 10 years now. My husband is a very good provider and does love me. We haven't always had the best relationship. We both have made the other feel unwanted at times. About a year after our wedding I found nude photo emails of him. He said that he was using an online service to watch women on a webcam. I do not believe this was the whole truth since why would he be sending photos of himself if he was watching them??? Anyway it wasn't so much the other women as it was the lying that hurt me. I do not believe it went further than a computer screen although I know he did cheat on me once for real with a girl he met online. Just typing that has me shaking my head because I should have never married this man. I just do not know what do here. I'm hurt yes, he assurese that he doesn't need to do that anymore since his insecurities are gone, but I see our phone bill and I know he has been instant messaging someone and he has taken to using our digital camera for photos ( you can set a timer and it has a stand) then the photos are deleted. I have so much doubt. I'm not perfect but I would never cheat online or otherwise. He also said that he would never leave his wife, never had any interest in that. Do women stay in marriages where they know this is occuring? Should I just get divorced? I really do not know. I have no one to talk to about this. Please help me


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband is a serial cheater. You said you should never have married him. So, fix your mistake and file for the divorce already.


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## pailinepark (Dec 5, 2017)

your husband is obviously cheating on you like mine is, you should get something on him before its too late. i had to hack my husbands mobile and his laptop because he kept hiding it all. Now i have proper evidence on his infidelity


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

his activities are intolerable within a marriage. it doesn't matter 'if some women stay in marriages like this'.
maybe some do, but that's not the point. he has no business being married and acting like a 20 year old horndog.

he's either got to stop forever with everything, or you must leave him. he obviously has huge issues that need to be addressed.


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## Gallop77 (Dec 6, 2017)

I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself. Any men out there have an opinion. On this?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> Husband actively pursues online relationships


Actively pursue a lawyer.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Gallop77 said:


> I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself.


I don't believe this to be the case.

For example, is this something you came to understand on your own or did he put the idea in your head?

I'm sure some women stay in those marriages, but it isn't healthy. You seem to understand you've made a mistake in marrying him.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

This guy is a real piece of work. Kick him to the curb!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You should actively pursue a divorce.


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## Gallop77 (Dec 6, 2017)

I read about it on other websites. At first I thought it was my fault for kind of checking out. I was working 60 hour weeks while going to school full time. We did not see each other alot. I know he is very insecure about getting older, going bald and not being as muscular as he used to be. He is a really good husband in every but this


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do not blame yourself for his inability to be a good husband.

HE participates with other women as a single man.

He continues doing it because you haven't done anything to show him it's not right/it hurts you deeply.

When will you show him it's unacceptable by filing for divorce?


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Gallop77 said:


> I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself. Any men out there have an opinion. On this?


I'm a man and I have an opinion.

You say he loves you, and he probably does.

I love Hotpockets, especially ham and cheese filled. 

As long as you can define the word "love" any way you want, then you can use it freely.

But most people wouldn't agree your husband loves you by the "commonly accepted definition" of the term.

He's a dirtbag.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Gallop77 said:


> I read about it on other websites. At first I thought it was my fault for kind of checking out. I was working 60 hour weeks while going to school full time. We did not see each other alot. I know he is very insecure about getting older, going bald and not being as muscular as he used to be. He is a really good husband in every but this


That's like saying "This as a great water bucket, cept for this giant hole in the bottom." Who cares why he cheats? He cheats. He's never going to stop cheating. Either you're ok being in a one sided open marriage or you aren't. If you aren't, leave. That simple.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Gallop77 said:


> I have been in my marriage almost 10 years now. My husband is a very good provider and does love me. We haven't always had the best relationship. We both have made the other feel unwanted at times. About a year after our wedding I found nude photo emails of him. He said that he was using an online service to watch women on a webcam. I do not believe this was the whole truth since why would he be sending photos of himself if he was watching them??? Anyway it wasn't so much the other women as it was the lying that hurt me. I do not believe it went further than a computer screen although I know he did cheat on me once for real with a girl he met online. Just typing that has me shaking my head because I should have never married this man. I just do not know what do here. I'm hurt yes, he assurese that he doesn't need to do that anymore since his insecurities are gone, but I see our phone bill and I know he has been instant messaging someone and he has taken to using our digital camera for photos ( you can set a timer and it has a stand) then the photos are deleted. I have so much doubt. I'm not perfect but I would never cheat online or otherwise. He also said that he would never leave his wife, never had any interest in that. Do women stay in marriages where they know this is occuring? Should I just get divorced? I really do not know. I have no one to talk to about this. Please help me




He is on aol.com. They have a lot of chat rooms. There is an old theory that young men/boys say. “If you line up 100young women and ask the question (do ya wanta f***) you can count on 1% of them saying yes......well that is amplified by a multiple factor on aol. I am not computer save but there are people her that can teach you how to track his online activity. Good luck as you do have a problem.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

aol still has chat rooms?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Gallop77 said:


> Any men out there have an opinion. On this?


Yes, dump him. There are good guys that don't cheat. Find one. 

At the very minimum go hard core. Letting yourself be walked on NEVER WORKS. I know because I did that for a long time. It just made things worse. Even if you think you might want to save your marriage, behave like there is almost no chance of it. Demand accountability from him. Demand to check his phone. etc, etc. Tell him the only way you will stay with him is if he submits to all your conditions and answers every question, under polygraph if necessary. If his marriage is important to him, he will try to save it. If not, you are better off without him.

IMO you are probably better off without him anyway, but it's your choice.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

toblerone said:


> aol still has chat rooms?




Yes but you must download their software. You can’t just google their site. I have always had an email address on Aol, I can collect my email but I no longer have access to their chatrooms. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Don’t look back, run. You deserve better than him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Run away, far away. I once felt online stuff wasn't "so" bad. there's so much more that they can do and get into on chat sites dedicated to messiness as well as vanilla communication channels. Stop blaming yourself for his ****ty actions. HE chose to cheat on you, to send pictures of himself and whatnot.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

David51 said:


> Yes but you must download their software. You can’t just google their site. I have always had an email address on Aol, I can collect my email but I no longer have access to their chatrooms.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


As of March 2017 there were about 1500 people using AOL chat. Last I heard, they were discontinuing the AIM chatrooms permanently as of today.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Gallop77 said:


> I read about it on other websites. At first I thought it was my fault for kind of checking out. I was working 60 hour weeks while going to school full time. We did not see each other alot. I know he is very insecure about getting older, going bald and not being as muscular as he used to be. He is a really good husband in every but this


If he is insecure about getting older AND a good husband, he should:

1. Exercise to retain a level of fitness and be the best he can be.
2. Turn to you (his wife) for reassurance. 

At the end of the day, all that really matters is that your spouse still thinks you're attractive.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Gallop77 said:


> I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself.


No, that is a convoluted excuse he told you to justify his behavior or it is a convoluted excuse you made up to justify his behavior and put your head in the sand.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Respond to his ACTIONS, not his words.


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## bossanova (Dec 21, 2017)

I’m not a proponent of divorce when infidelity happens IF the cheating spouse is repentant and changes their behavior. This doesn’t sound like that kind of case though. I’d give him some ultimatums and you definitely need marriage counseling if you want to make it work.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah not much to add. Some people are not marriage material. Hope you don't have kids, if you don't, don't have kids with this man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gallop77 said:


> I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself. Any men out there have an opinion. On this?


Yes. He is wrong to do it.

And there should be consequences for his wrong actions.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Tell him to cut the crap, man up and be a real husband, or you'll go get a real shark of an attorney and crush him into utter annihilation in divorce court.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gallop77 said:


> I have been in my marriage almost 10 years now. My husband is a very good provider and does love me. We haven't always had the best relationship. We both have made the other feel unwanted at times. About a year after our wedding I found nude photo emails of him. He said that he was using an online service to watch women on a webcam. I do not believe this was the whole truth since why would he be sending photos of himself if he was watching them??? Anyway it wasn't so much the other women as it was the lying that hurt me. I do not believe it went further than a computer screen although I know he did cheat on me once for real with a girl he met online. Just typing that has me shaking my head because I should have never married this man. I just do not know what do here. I'm hurt yes, he assurese that he doesn't need to do that anymore since his insecurities are gone, but I see our phone bill and I know he has been instant messaging someone and he has taken to using our digital camera for photos ( you can set a timer and it has a stand) then the photos are deleted. I have so much doubt. I'm not perfect but I would never cheat online or otherwise. He also said that he would never leave his wife, never had any interest in that. Do women stay in marriages where they know this is occuring? Should I just get divorced? I really do not know. I have no one to talk to about this. Please help me


*Please enlightenment me as to how your husbands actions are, in any way, showing loyalty to you! It is just another method of cheating, more indicative of serial philandering!

The onus is certainly on you to do something about it!

I really don’t know whether your H is beyond being a lost cause or if he can be helped with psychological counseling! But in any event, you should be visiting with a good family attorney to be fully assessed of your property and custodial rights!

Best of luck to you! My prayers are with you!*


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## Rock_Singer (Apr 23, 2016)

So this activity started a year after you were married? Im assuming it has continued for the 10 years now?
If that is the case...why did you let this continue happening after the 1st year?

Forgive me though, I am not one to give any real advice on this issue. I must admit I have stayed with a wife who posted a dating profile...after catching her in a online EA.
This went on for 3-4 months after I moved back home after the EA supposedly ended. I am not sure if she is still doing this. I havent the energy to watch her & spy on her any more.

Anyway.....I do think if you have confronted your spouse that his behavior is destructive....and his response is to keep doing it...
Then your only choice is to leave. Living with a spouse that has outside relationships is a nightmare. 
Dont put yourself thru this...you already have for 10 years...why the rest of your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It probably started before the marriage and just continued.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's very likely telling the truth when he says he didn't intend leaving you. But that doesn't mean he really intends to stop. He likes the excitement of "new".


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

actively pursue a divorce lol


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Gallop77 said:


> I have been in my marriage almost 10 years now. My husband is a very good provider and does love me. We haven't always had the best relationship. We both have made the other feel unwanted at times. About a year after our wedding I found nude photo emails of him. He said that he was using an online service to watch women on a webcam. I do not believe this was the whole truth since why would he be sending photos of himself if he was watching them??? Anyway it wasn't so much the other women as it was the lying that hurt me. I do not believe it went further than a computer screen although I know he did cheat on me once for real with a girl he met online. Just typing that has me shaking my head because I should have never married this man. I just do not know what do here. I'm hurt yes, he assurese that he doesn't need to do that anymore since his insecurities are gone, but I see our phone bill and I know he has been instant messaging someone and he has taken to using our digital camera for photos ( you can set a timer and it has a stand) then the photos are deleted. I have so much doubt. I'm not perfect but I would never cheat online or otherwise. He also said that he would never leave his wife, never had any interest in that. Do women stay in marriages where they know this is occuring? Should I just get divorced? I really do not know. I have no one to talk to about this. Please help me


Sorry but a man who loves his wife does NOT act this way. He has cheated once already and you seem surprised that he is doing it again. 
You are also trying to justify it by saying it is because he is insecure about himself. Nonsense. Sadly you have married a cheater with no morals or integrity despite the red flags, and here you are. 
I would never put up with a man who did this, not for a second.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

How can he love you, if he's cheating on you? Ask yourself that question.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Gallop77 said:


> I know he does it to fulfill his insecurities about himself. Any men out there have an opinion. On this?


it is definitely a bad sign that your marriage is missing something sexual that he needs. But i would not go so far as to call it "cheating". 

A lot of these video chat things are pay for use sites. You pay by the minute, some woman strips, talks, and often does sexual acts. I would call it more of a "hyper porn" thing than cheating.

As long as it is not him finding local women, video chatting with them, and then trying to hook up physically with them too....i would be careful about throwing around words like "cheating" and "divorce" about his actions.

In other words...all is not lost. Maybe the two of you can come to some agreement on boundaries, and possibly improved sex withing the marriage? For instance, allow and monitor his use only of "normal" porn...like prerecorded video clips....no one on one interaction, in exchange for you getting much more involved in his sex life


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