# Am I 15 years late?



## Melancholic (Aug 2, 2011)

I married my husband in 1996. The day we became engaged his mother reacted with fury at the news, and I mean fury. While we were on our honeymoon, his mother, without our knowledge, had all the gifts delivered to her house and opened them.  She turned up at our first home, without invitation, every weekend for the first two months of our marriage. We lived three hours from her home. I had to ask my husband to communicate to her that this was neither appropriate or polite. He told her that I had problem with the situation.

When our daughter was born in 2000 our families got together for the christening. At that time, we lived thousands of miles away. Some members of my family struggle financially. Although I understood, I felt self-conscious that so many of his extended family had made the journey and I had only my mother and my eldest sister there. I told my husband this most intimate vulnerability.

My husband had to leave on active duty after a few days. His mother, my mother and my sister were staying with us. His mother locked herself in her room and would not come out for days. It was very weird. My Mum asked her what she had done to upset her. My mother-in-law's response was incomprehensible gibberish, followed by a walkout. My Mum thought that this woman was mentally unstable and told me that she feared the mayhem she would create for me, the unhappiness she would bring.

After my mother and sister had left, my mother-in-law saw her opportunity. One sunny morning, while playing with the baby, she suddenly announced that my husband's family was a far better family than mine. I didn't think I had heard her correctly. She went on to say that my family was very unsupportive. The wound was shocking and acute. Immediately I knew that my husband had told her of my most deepseated pain (for whatever reason) and she had calculated to use that information to wound me as much as she could. I lost my temper and threw her out on her ear, in the rain, not before having an all out interchange of venom with her. She said "He's mine, I made him." and "You'll never be anything to him. I'm number one in his life." [Currently, ironically :iagree: with this statement.]

The fallout from this was that my husband resented me for 18 months afterwards for causing this problem.  Then my mother was suddenly pronounced terminally ill. She was given months, maybe weeks to live. We dropped everything and went to her. My grief was overwhelming and I simply had no will to fight for him when, that day after we arrived he was telling me, as I was not paying him much attention by grieving the way I was (relying on him, he called it) he was going to take our child to see his mother because he was feeling guilty about how long the separation had been (he added that I didn't understand how upset he was about my Mum, that he was hurting too and I was ignoring that). MIL had been on the phone using guilt of course. I told him if he wanted to he should go, and he did. He abandoned me at the worst time in my life. I have never been able to get over it. Even now, I weep as I type.

After Mum died, he begged me to be more understanding of his mother, and so, even though I had contemplated divorce at this time, I apologised to her, for him. :scratchhead: Of course nothing changed. He was all happy that everything was great now and I was as sad and lonely as ever.

Years passed and her behaviour gradually worsened. A few examples: at every birthday party, Christmas etc MIL deliberately offends someone so that they become angry, then she makes them feel guilty and they apologise, and she is happy because now everything is about her. The fact that the party is ruined is of no consequence. We were going overseas to Europe in 2004. MIL announced that she should be coming along with us. My husband was conflicted about saying no. I said absolutely not. I had to reinforce my husband's rights to him ie that he had the right to go overseas with his family without his mother. When we were leaving, she said she would drive us to the airport. I said I thought this was an exceptionally BAD idea. That was how we ended up on the receiving end of a ridiculously dramatic, loud and embarrassing tirade in the food court of the International Departures terminal in Sydney. People were staring and I just bailed. I grabbed my daughter's hand and stood up. MIL shouted "Where are YOU going?" I said "I'm not sticking around to listen to this." and off I went. When I met up with my husband past immigration, all he said was "That was weird." No, 'Sorry.' No, 'I should have listened to you.' 

Easter 2010, I am outvoted when he sends our daughter, now 9, to spend a week with MIL. I have to go away to a funeral. During this visit my daughter is bullied and called, among other things "ignorant".  MIL tells our daughter that we are poor. She tells the kid that she reads evil books and should be reading only the bible because she needs to be a better person. My daughter is heart broken. Her grandmother is the first person to break her heart. This is the straw for me. My husband fought with her and stopped talking to her for a year. During this time she rang and left a nasty phone message for me, calling me a "B-tch.", at 8 am on a Monday morning, while my daughter was at home. This shocked my husband who said he never would have believed it if he hadn't heard it. :scratchhead: It came as no surprise to me whatsoever.

Recently, he reconciled with this mother (he actually apologised to her!) and came home bearing gifts from her and telling me how much she cares for our daughter and me and that I should try and understand her.  Sound familiar? That familiar betrayal, but it's not just of me anymore.

I have told him that I am thinking of divorce and am hurt and angry that he has chosen his own need for his mother's approval over the happiness of his wife and child. This is all a little too psychologically deep for him to compute. He cannot face the fact that his mother does not care how her behaviour affects him.

I'm just so damn tired. I'm not sure if I feel anything for him anymore. There's just so much disappointment inside me. I don't like who I am. I've become resentful and critical towards him and this is rubbing off on my daughter. She speaks disrespectfully towards him, just as I do. Can I fix my broken heart? Am I asking too much of marriage? Have I been stupid in hanging around this long?

I am afraid.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. I can empathize...I left a long relationship (3 years) because the man was this way and his family was batshet crazy.

I have no advice...but I can understand the deep wounds this has caused on your heart  Nothing worse than feeling betrayed.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you are absolutely right. It does make you lose respect for a man who cannot stand up to his mother. 

I think you should try counseling, and if that doesn't work move on knowing you have tried all you could.


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