# Marriage issue, advice requested please



## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

Hello, I am 27 years old, Active Duty Navy with 3 boys ages 7, 3, and 6 months. My husband is 28 and stays home with the kids while I work and we've been married 10 months. I am taking this month off work and starting to realize many things but I don't quite know what to do about it. I feel my issues may be minor compared to others and I know it could be worse but I just want to see what I can learn from here first. I feel the communication between me and my husband has changed dramatically, I feel he used to want to spend time with me but now not so much. Its not easy with the kids I know and I tell him all the time he has the hardest job of all. When I try to talk to him about how I feel, he just says he wants to spend time with me, but then I feel he's only doing or saying so because I complained about it. We used to watch TV shows together and movies and he would always set time aside to be with me. Now all he does is play a video game hours straight, all night most of the time. He is on a chat line and I cannot talk to him about anything and he ignores me half the time. He gets off the video game to sleep and cook dinner and that's it. The children are still managed to get taken care of even though he plays this game constantly. He tells me he will get off the game when I complain, but that doesn't mean he wants to, it's because I say something. Other stay at home husbands wait until the kids are sleeping to play then only for a couple hours. He doesnt want to hear that. I play the game with him sometimes to spend time with him, but it is just for a couple hours then I get tired and go to sleep. He feels discouraged sometimes he doesn't have his own money because he used to work, but I remind him he was unhappy at that job and I provide him with all he needs. I try to mention getting part time work but he shoots that idea down also. I'm just feeling like he thinks the children are taken care of and that's good enough. I try to get him out of the house to do things with me n the kids but he seems forced to do it and unhappy whenever he isnt playing the video game. He says if he has to be unhappy to make me happy so be it, but I don't want that either. I would like to see if I am doing something wrong or if there is something else I should be trying to change this addiction I feel he has to this game. My next command I will be going on deployment so I am worried what will happen if I cannot work on this issue now while I am here. Thank you all for reading


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The video gaming needs to be curtailed.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How many hours do you guestimate he spends per day playing video games?

With three kids - at least 2 are all home during the day - I would barely find time to pee let alone play video games.

You hate to be his mother but it sounds like that's what he needs. Video games need to be limited to X minutes a day. 

Is the house relatively clean when you get home? Does he keep up with laundry, dishes, etc?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I don't think the video game is the issue, it is the symptom. Something else is causing the problem, the video game is the escape from the problem. SAHD and no money of his own, it like he might feel what am I needed for. You are doing the male role in the house providing and going off to war. If he has not been brought up to where that would be ok, it might be the problem. Any guy can do it short term but not all can do it all the time. Don't call me a SPig either, just an opinion. Some guys couldn't take on that role, just not wired that way. Stay safe on your deployment, prayers are with you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree that men are not wired to stay home and take care of kids. Arragements are going to have to be made so that he can go back to work otherwise your problems will only get worse and your marriage will suffer. He needs to feel that he is bringing home some of the money to.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ABHale said:


> I don't think the video game is the issue, it is the symptom. Something else is causing the problem, the video game is the escape from the problem. SAHD and no money of his own, it like he might feel what am I needed for. You are doing the male role in the house providing and going off to war. If he has not been brought up to where that would be ok, it might be the problem. Any guy can do it short term but not all can do it all the time. Don't call me a SPig either, just an opinion. Some guys couldn't take on that role, just not wired that way. Stay safe on your deployment, prayers are with you.


Video game is a definitely an issue. I have been there concerning video games and how they take away from a marriage. 

I think the second issue might be the need to in your career to be deployed. Perhaps the H has gotten accustomed to living life as a single dad?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Are these video games multi-player in which he chats, texts other persons online? Or are they single player, just him by himself? If he is connecting to others, that might be significant.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ABHale said:


> I don't think the video game is the issue, it is the symptom. Something else is causing the problem, the video game is the escape from the problem. SAHD and no money of his own, it like he might feel what am I needed for. You are doing the male role in the house providing and going off to war. If he has not been brought up to where that would be ok, it might be the problem. Any guy can do it short term but not all can do it all the time. Don't call me a SPig either, just an opinion. Some guys couldn't take on that role, just not wired that way. Stay safe on your deployment, prayers are with you.


I agree. Men don't usually do well as a SAHD. Men tend to feel bad about themselves. They lose confidence because it's deeply ingrained in male DNA to provide for their wife & kid. Woman grow resentful of having the financial load on their shoulders and eventually lose respect for their husband. 

I would encourage your husband to get out there in the job market. He'll feel better about himself and you won't come home and rightly be disgusted that after you've been out there working, he's at home playing video games. You don't want to feel like his mother. 

You don't want to find yourself in a situation that you betray your family because you grow resentful toward your husband and a smooth talking interloper gets you to compromise yourself. You may not feel this way yet but the rates of SAHDs getting played out is higher than average.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Actually many of your husbands feelings are normal regardless of gender. Being financially dependent on another is often demeaning to a persons self-esteem. I get you are worried about your deployment as he might be an adultery waiting to happen. Oddly if he says it wasn't the sex at some level it is using sex as a means to repair/gain a messure of self-esteem. (which makes as much sense as an alcoholic drinking)

Are these his and your children? How long have you been together? If long term why the delay in getting marred? 
Oh, when was the last time you were at the shore.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

He needs a part time job of something to get him out of the house and away from the video games and kids. Essentially he has lost his identity and is using the video game as an escape.

It could be worse if it was alcohol instead of video games. 

Even if he has a work-from-home opportunity, this would be a great start. Worst case scenario he could also make a job out of playing video games and start/monetize his own youtube channel. By doing this he would start learning some valuable video editing and production skills and help him network a little. 

https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/97527?hl=en


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Video game is a definitely an issue. I have been there concerning video games and how they take away from a marriage.
> 
> I think the second issue might be the need to in your career to be deployed. Perhaps the H has gotten accustomed to living life as a single dad?



He is using the gaming to lose himself and forget about the problem. That is the reference to "if you want me to be unhappy". There is a deeper issue here.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He is using the game to escape life. He's going to tell you he is only getting off because you are complaining and if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to accept that you will need to do that. It won't be him that will walk out one day because you have nothing between you anymore, it'll be you. 

Start laying down some laws about game free nights when you're around (yes, sounds controlling, but if you don't, it won't happen). Don't bother trying to enforce this when you're not around because it'll be ignored, but when you're at home, you need to be together, off the computers, even if it's just to watch some TV together and go to bed.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

JohnA said:


> Actually many of your husbands feelings are normal regardless of gender. Being financially dependent on another is often demeaning to a persons self-esteem.


I agree with that. I went through the same thing as a SAHM. I had always hated being dependent on someone else financially, and I had never imagined that I would feel that way when DH and I decided I would be the one to stay at home but I ended up feeling quite depressed. On top of that, I always had so much to do but it was all so mind numbing. Nothing was interesting. Gaming was a way to escape the boredom.

Now I'm back at work and I actually find it difficult to get into gaming. Now it bores me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The great majority of woman would love to be able to be a SAHM, especially when the kids are young. I could understand extroverted woman missing adult interaction if their in a situation where they don't have other moms to get together with but this idea of woman not liking the feeling of being dependent on her husband while being a SAHM is pure feminist thinking. I'm not saying it doesn't exist in some women but to say that it's at the same level of what a man feels is not even remotely true.


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## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

Thank you all so much for your replies. The 7 year old is mine, the 3 year old is his and the 6 month old we have together. I try my best not to fight with him about videogames, it is pretty much his only social outlet. He does not do any housework other than staying home with the kids while I work, and cook dinner. If I try to task him with other things I am wrong or it is a hassle. It does frustrate me that I always put the kids and home chores first before doing anything fun for myself, and I come home from work and get no credit and he sleeps and plays videogames. We have been together about 2 years now, so it is still new. I don't remember him ever playing this much before, but he also used to work. I try to talk to him about another job, but he shoots it down every time. I'm really kind of lost I feel it is my own fault in some way bc I have him stay home and buy him stuff he wants. This is my first duty station been on shore this whole time. I am not worried about infidelity I monitor him if you will, but not in an annoying way to him. I do my best to keep him encouraged about staying with the kids and he likes being a homebody. The comments mentioning him utilizing the videogames as an outlet or escape makes perfect sense, he has admitted to doing so with past relationships but won't admit I am doing something to bring this on with him again. Hope I answered all questions. Thank you


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Does he resist going back to work because he doesn't want your infant to be with a baby sitter/daycare?

I believe it's critical he get back to work. You're not voicing it yet but his actions will lead to resentment, which will turn to a lack of respect. And a woman can't love a man she doesn't respect.

I've no doubt that both of you would be happier if the roles were reversed. He'll feel his life has purpose, you'll get the opportunity to mother your infant and his own 3 year old. I imagine that is not possible but it should not stop him from getting back in the job market. Numbing himself with video games will not fill the void he has. 

I must add that for a blended family to work, your 7 year and his 3 year old must become OUR kids.


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## MrBreeze (Dec 16, 2014)

jsmart said:


> this idea of woman not liking the feeling of being dependent on her husband while being a SAHM is pure feminist thinking. I'm not saying it doesn't exist in some women but to say that it's at the same level of what a man feels is not even remotely true.


Dafuq? The idea that women feel of lesser value when removed from a role that culturally feels more valued in the same way a man might? You must be Christian. Wait, I take that back, stereotyping like that and making huge general assumptions would make me a real a$$

Now to get back on topic. One thing about video games is they make you feel like you are achieving something, that's what keeps you playing it, particularly subscription based games like WoW. The goalposts keep getting moved but in a way that makes it feel like you are still making progress and should keep going. If he is feeling a little low on self worth games are an easy escape.
My wife and I have a rule about not getting onto games before the kids are in bed, I would recommend you do the same, but that is a personal choice, there is no wrong/right answer. Being at home most of the day allowed for more time gaming, but it also allows for more time being active with kids, or working on the house/yard (assuming you aren't on base). I know if I were a sahd I would be very tempted to spend more time on games, I'm tempted on the occasional weekend I get at home, however having that rule means it is far more likely I will get out and spend time outside with the kids, or watch a movie with them, or just do something with them. 

Regarding the two of you spending time together, playing alongside my wife is something I really enjoy. Unfortunately it's not all that common, but she makes the effort and I appreciate it. The way you handle getting the other half makes a huge difference. "Get off the computer/console and spend time with me" will get a much different reaction to "let's watch a movie or have a glass of wine". Yes, it's like dealing like kids, but the reality is nobody of any age likes being told to stop doing something they enjoy, but an invitation to join in on something else they might enjoy will always receive a more positive response.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How about playing a game together? Would that be possible?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Why doesn't he want to go back to work? I think that is an important thing to find out. 
If this was reversed, and a man was complaining about his wife that is a SAHM who is doing what he is doing everyone would go nuts on how lazy she is and that it's her JOB to cook and clean and take care of the kids. I don't think that it should be any different if it's a man. Everyone has a job, you can't just stay home and play video games sorry. It's his job to clean, cook, do laundry and watch the kids if he doesn't want to work. 
Personally i don't think staying home is very healthy for you mentally unless you get out often. Isolation cause depression. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to work, it's probably the best thing for him he just doesn't realize it now. 
You should really talk to him about his job. Which is a SAHD which entails cooking, cleaning, laundry blah blah blah, OR he can get a job, part time or full. He NEEDS to do one or the other. The problem is he has too much time on his hand and is bored so he is wasting it away with video games which can be very addicting as you know.


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## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

Yes the reason my husband stays home is because he is highly against daycare. We do play videogames together, it just never seems like enough.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

There is a bigger underlining issue here. He has low self-esteem. You need to find ways for him to help himself. If not he will sink into depression.


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## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

You are right on point with his self esteem, he has always admitted to having that issue. We have had a good talk about these issues recently and I voiced my expectations to him. I'm glad all of you were able to give me advice and we can work through this. I felt like I never had a chance to even talk to him because he was gaming so much, but since then I have expressed to him that issue as well. I am letting things play out since we've talked, his game is going to be down for a bit and we are going out of town next week and he has been looking forward to that, so hopefully it will spruce him up a bit if you will. I appreciate all advice posted here, I will continue to review it and keep thinking of the right way to resolve the issue completely.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Jerseygirl2789 said:


> Yes the reason my husband stays home is because *he is highly against daycare.* We do play videogames together, it just never seems like enough.


That's a good one. Did he say that with a straight face?

a couple of questions

1. What KIND of job did he have before?
2. Does he have Drivers License?
3. Did he live alone before he met you...or with Parents, friends, etc..?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Jerseygirl2789 said:


> Yes the reason my husband stays home is because he is highly against daycare. We do play videogames together, it just never seems like enough.


Why is he against daycare? The cost? What kind of learning experiences is he providing the children? A parent staying with a child, while the parent is playing games and ignoring said child, is definitely *NOT* better than daycare.

IamSomebody


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## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

My Husband used to work part time as a cook. When I brought up to him getting part time work at a new restaurant opening up he likes, he mentioned he won't get to work there long because I will be transferring soon. That is a good point he made, I haven't thought of it that way. He does have a driver's license, but we only have one vehicle. If needed he could just drop me off at work though. He does not like the idea of daycare he reads bad stories and has never liked them. He was unhappy at his last job and I really don't mind that he is a SAHD. If he has an issue with it then he should try harder to do something to change it or bring that up to me, right ? He used to live with his ex before he met me. I'm just not sure if there is something I can do, I'm beginning to think he has to do something for himself. He is in a hard place because it will be difficult for him to get work beings we move every couple of years.


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## shirdon3 (Mar 15, 2016)

One statement you make is key to whether your guilty feeling is valid or not. You said that he admits doing this same thing in prior relationships. This is him, the way he responds/reacts to life. He, as you acknowledged is doing it as an escape, to prevent himself from facing life as it really is. You are not his psychologist or counselor and should not try to be that.
At the same time you need to insist (put your guilt aside for a while, better yet forever) and insist to talk about your relationship and feelings, that you expect that he will put aside the videos for a couple or so hours each night so you can interact with him. He will put up a fight but tell him it is urgent and necessary for your sanity. Don't let him off of the hook because you feel guilty. It is not your fault that he has fallen back into an old pattern so don't let the hassle cause you to turn tail and run. He depends on that that the hassle will shut you up and you'll leave him alone. I believe it is highly important that you fight on through the hassle and insist that he change. If you don't he won't. 
I've mentioned elsewhere the course by Clair Coleman. There are lots of tips in her marriagestabilizer course.

http://www.marriagestabilizer.com


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## Jerseygirl2789 (Mar 9, 2016)

Thank you so much for the advice. We had a great time while we were visiting his family. He even asked me, why don't we have this much fun at home? I admitted to being so distracted with household responsibilities I don't take time to stop and just laugh every once in a while. I have expressed to him I expect for him to stop playing video games for a couple hours to have family time. He has been doing so, we are watching TV and movies and having dinner together. I hope it lasts. Once I go back to work I believe it will stick, when I get home we all have dinner together, the kids go to bed and me and my husband either play a game or watch a movie. Thank you all again.


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