# How worried are you about infidelity



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts. Do you check up on them? Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker, business trips, innocent text messages, attending social events etc? Do you check their phone, email, credit card receipts etc? 

Again this is for the case were there wasn't a previous incident. I imagine its very different if you have caught them cheating in the past.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

No, and no. If ever I believe I have to turn to sleuthing out if a suspicion of cheating it would be the end right there.

If ever I believe I have to search her phone and computer because something is fishy, the trust is gone, and it will be one and done.

It's the trust issue for me. Should the trustworthiness leave, its it's over. 

Period, finite', done and done.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Not worried at all. I am a generally observant person, so don't really need to proactively look for things. I have made my boundaries very clear with my wife. I do not subscribe to "court of law" burden of proof. I know what my plan of action will be if those lines are crossed, so there is pretty much zero uncertainty in outcome for me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Not worried. 

Now if my wife got a Halloween costume, coordinated or not, I’d be very suspicious.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It occupies none of my brain space. Never had any issues.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Not worried at all. But he doesn’t give me reason to worry.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I do not think about it. Nor worry about it. However, if it rears it's ugly head my W knows the outcome. It will not be favorable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't worry, I trust him. We both have our own boundaries and if a situation came up like you describe we would discuss it first.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't worry, I trust him. We both have our own *boundaries* and if a situation came up like you describe we would discuss it first.


Were these boundaries discussed ahead of time, or assumed? 

I think if @uhtred has any concerns, this is an opportunity to go over boundary and privacy questions, making sure both partners are on the same page, and understanding why such things are important. As long as that's established, I'd see little reason for concern. But a long history of things being "ok" is not an indication that things will always be that way. We would like to believe that faith alone is enough, but that is often not the case.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I don't worry, I trust him. We both have our own boundaries and if a situation came up like you describe we would discuss it first.


Exactly. I’m surprised at the amount of couples that don’t ....only until it is over the line.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think it's a loaded question. Most who are cheated on are caught completely off guard. Once it's done to you, it never leaves your thoughts, whether R or D. It's hard to trust anyone again.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

No, never checked up, or worried about anything ever. I wasn't the possessive or insecure type, and thought I had no reason to be. 

Although my last relationship ended due to infidelity, I was confident that this time we were totally honest with each other and there would be no secrets.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not at all but I am not sure I have the typical mindset. 

My wife and I have well established boundaries and I have no intention of compromising on them. If she does cheat I know got through it once (with someone else) I can get through it again and now I know I will be fine. Last time I mistakenly was sure I wouldn't be able to get over it and that was the hardest part, now I know better. 

Finally I am always striving to improve myself, I am in good shape for my age and feel positive where I am in life, if she doesn't appreciate me I will have options. My worth is NOT based on my wife's faithfulness to me only my commitment is.


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## DieCastRN (Oct 18, 2019)

uhtred said:


> In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts. Do you check up on them? Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker, business trips, innocent text messages, attending social events etc? Do you check their phone, email, credit card receipts etc?
> 
> Again this is for the case were there wasn't a previous incident. I imagine its very different if you have caught them cheating in the past.


I wasn't worried about it with my ex-wife and I'm not worried about it with my new girlfriend, either. I don't feel the need to check up on her. I don't worry about lunches with opposite-sex coworkers. We're both nurses and work nights, there's bound to be times when we have lunch with opposite-sex coworkers in the break room. If you're talking about going out to lunch? Well nothing much is opened at 1 AM, so not worried about that. Not really a lot of opportunities to go on business trips as nurses, although there is a conference coming up that's out of town. We're going together. No I don't check texts or social media, this is a new relationship so it would be weird at this point but I never did with my ex-wife either. 

I really can't imagine living my life without any trust in the person I'm with. If I'm at that point the relationship is over. It just seems like a very sad and pathetic way to live.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

uhtred said:


> In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts.


You know, this is a humorous question. Both @Emerging Buddhist and I spend a lot of time here on TAM, so we think about infidelity often, what causes it, how to avoid it, what are some signs...those kinds of philosophical thoughts. In addition, we very regularly (daily pretty much) are aware of treating each other in a loving way, making the effort to be good partners, and being sure to stay sexually in touch. So it's on our minds in a general way...

...and yet as regards to worrying about "is s/he cheating?" or being jealous, it rarely comes up at all. I suspect that's because every spare minute I have, I spend with him and enjoy him...and vice versa, at the end of the day, he drives home as swiftly as possible and we spend the whole night together. 

You asked these next questions, and I'll put my answer in italics: 

Do you check up on them? _Nope, I don't check on him. I do look on my phone on that "locate EB" thing when it's 4:30 because I miss him, but not ever because I think he's not where he says he is. It's more like "Is he home yet?" _
Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker? _No that I know of he doesn't go to lunch with any co-workers, much less members of the opposite gender. If he did, it would probably be some awards banquet that he hates. _
Do you worry about business trips? _Nope I just miss him like heck! We stay in good touch via texting and Facetime when we are apart for business trips, and on the occasion we go with each other._
Do you worry about innocent text messages? _No but let me say this: I believe they are innocent if it's "Where's that file?" "In this drawer" and we're done. If I thought he was chit chatting about personal lives or some game, etc. we would have a talk. _
Do you worry about attending social events etc? _Nah, we are both homebodies pretty much. Any social event he's required to attend is either televised or some awards banquet/smooze which he hates. If at all possible we attend together, but if it's not, he gets out ASAP and gets right home. _
Do you check their phone? _No I don't but then again, we show each other our phones all the time, we say "Oh hey go get that it's on my phone" and we don't keep them secret or glued to our side. _
Do you check their email? _No but see above. We both work in IT and are on our computers a lot, but just like our phones, we don't keep them secret or shut 'em down when the other comes over. We share passwords, and often show each other an email. _
Do you check their credit card receipts etc? _No but I think he checks mine! LOL We have a joint account set up so we can both see each other's spending and saving. So it's like one account but "his card" and "her card" and we can break it down pretty easily._



> Again this is for the case were there wasn't a previous incident. I imagine its very different if you have caught them cheating in the past.


Here's the thing--I think we are both pretty trusting because we are both very open with each other. We share passwords and phones and computers openly, but we also share our thoughts and feelings and are transparent. If one or the other suddenly began to get secretive, there would be discussion about the thing that's being hidden.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Here's the thing--I think we are both pretty trusting because we are both very open with each other. We share passwords and phones and computers openly, but we also share our thoughts and feelings and are transparent. If one or the other suddenly began to get secretive, there would be discussion about the thing that's being hidden.


Did you evolve this way/did it just turn out, or did you discuss privacy and boundary issues early in your relationship?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> No, and no. If ever I believe I have to turn to sleuthing out if a suspicion of cheating it would be the end right there.
> 
> If ever I believe I have to search her phone and computer because something is fishy, the trust is gone, and it will be one and done.
> 
> ...


Once you start checking, it is time to leave and not look back. 

A few years ago my SO started having funny calls from a woman who had attended a seminar that he had presented at. The police were informed but they seemed relaxed about it. Then I had the same problem a few months latter. We discussed the issues and we decided to swap phones every two weeks. That has been the case since and if you ring one of our phones you cannot guess who is going to answer it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm actually not worried at all. Mostly this is curiosity. I've seen what feels like a big split in posts between people like me who have no concerns and people who are very concerned. Just trying to learn more about how people think.

I've got basically zero suspicions My wife has very few - but every now and then she will ask a question that makes me think that sometimes she worries a bit, though she never comes out and says something. 




Casual Observer said:


> Were these boundaries discussed ahead of time, or assumed?
> 
> I think if @uhtred has any concerns, this is an opportunity to go over boundary and privacy questions, making sure both partners are on the same page, and understanding why such things are important. As long as that's established, I'd see little reason for concern. But a long history of things being "ok" is not an indication that things will always be that way. We would like to believe that faith alone is enough, but that is often not the case.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I'm actually not worried at all. Mostly this is curiosity. I've seen what feels like a big split in posts between people like me who have no concerns and people who are very concerned. Just trying to learn more about how people think.
> 
> I've got basically zero suspicions My wife has very few - but every now and then she will ask a question that makes me think that sometimes she worries a bit, though she never comes out and says something.


I'm relieved to hear that! That you have no concerns. How do you address your wife's occasional worries? Have you found a way to put her at ease? 

I'm guessing, just purely guessing, that whether the man or woman in the partnership, there could be some feeling of "No so bad that she/he thinks someone would be interested enough in me that cheating is something to watch out for." Partly an ego thing (which is bad, because sometimes we act on our egos) and partly wishing our partner could see what someone else might see in us. Maybe that would inspire them to take another look at us ("us" being generic here) and see something they've missed or taken for granted.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Her concerns are strange. She has no trouble with things that many people might worry about - like when I take a business trip and the only other person is female. Occasionally though she will seem slightly suspicious about a credit card receipt. In the strangest case, one time I got a card from Tiffanys thanking me for my purchase etc etc just an add. I'm sure Tiffanys thought a 6 month reminder was nice advertising, but sadly they had not counted on my wife thinking it was *new* purchase, not the thing I had gotten her 6 months ago. (talk about total marketing fail) I was very sad that she thought this was suspicious. 

In general though she is not suspicious and I'm completely non-suspicious. 





Casual Observer said:


> I'm relieved to hear that! That you have no concerns. How do you address your wife's occasional worries? Have you found a way to put her at ease?
> 
> I'm guessing, just purely guessing, that whether the man or woman in the partnership, there could be some feeling of "No so bad that she/he thinks someone would be interested enough in me that cheating is something to watch out for." Partly an ego thing (which is bad, because sometimes we act on our egos) and partly wishing our partner could see what someone else might see in us. Maybe that would inspire them to take another look at us ("us" being generic here) and see something they've missed or taken for granted.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Were these boundaries discussed ahead of time, or assumed?
> 
> I think if @uhtred has any concerns, this is an opportunity to go over boundary and privacy questions, making sure both partners are on the same page, and understanding why such things are important. As long as that's established, I'd see little reason for concern. But a long history of things being "ok" is not an indication that things will always be that way. We would like to believe that faith alone is enough, but that is often not the case.


We each have our own boundaries that we ourselves have decided on. We are also each open with phones, computer etc We also spend most of the time together anyway as he mainly works from home(part time now).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it's a loaded question. Most who are cheated on are caught completely off guard. Once it's done to you, it never leaves your thoughts, whether R or D. It's hard to trust anyone again.


Its hard, but its possible. I doubt I could trust again if I was still with that one who had cheated, but yes we do trust each other and both of us were betrayed by our previous spouses in different ways after long first marriages.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Did you evolve this way/did it just turn out, or did you discuss privacy and boundary issues early in your relationship?


Never a discussion of need or needed agreement that I recall... from the beginning I said my phone and computer were hers to look through any time she desired and she said the same. I have comfort that she knows where I am, when I am there...especially when I am on the M/C between here and wherever.

We are very open with another, I have stepped away from holding any fears in this relationship other than how little time because we met relatively late ... and that is not so much a fear as it is being careful it is not a sorrow to be anxious over because I love every minute we spend together and keep that present.

I have the utmost faith that neither will do anything to jeopardize what we have found in another, no walls allow the clarity needed to be honest... transparency, I believe AC mentioned, is foremost in our actions and words and we both hold ourselves accountable that our actions match our words... it's a beautiful thing when you find it.

There is nothing I need worth losing AC's trust.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts. Do you check up on them? Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker, business trips, innocent text messages, attending social events etc? Do you check their phone, email, credit card receipts etc?


It doesn't occupy my thoughts, and I don't worry about lunch with an opposite sex co-worker, business trips and the like etc. Likewise I also don't check her phone email, receipts etc.

If I encounter any uncharacteristic behaviour, I will look into it and address something if I feel it is warranted. Yet I don't expend my energy on worrying about such things.

If my wife wants to cheat on me she will do exactly that and I will be unable to stop her. So I don't see the point in worrying about what might be the case or not.



RebuildingMe said:


> Most who are cheated on are caught completely off guard. Once it's done to you, it never leaves your thoughts, whether R or D. It's hard to trust anyone again.


Although I was caught completely off guard when my ex-wife cheated me (which is why she is my ex-wife), I've never found it hard to trust anyone again.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts. Do you check up on them? Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker, business trips, innocent text messages, attending social events etc? Do you check their phone, email, credit card receipts etc?
> 
> Again this is for the case were there wasn't a previous incident. I imagine its very different if you have caught them cheating in the past.


I have seen too much; I don't trust anyone. Then again I've never been a blindly trusting person.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I've been cheated on in the past--my first relationship. I was so smitten and in love. It was so painful.

Present day I have zero reason to worry. My husband and I are totally transparent with eachother. Phones, passwords, etc. And he was cheated on, too.

However, never say never. I trust him 98%. And he knows this. It's not him--it could be anyone. It's sad, though, that I won't be able to completely trust again.

Years later, my first bf got in touch with me again. I think he was sniffing around. It wasn't an angry conversation, but I told him that his cheating had changed me forever. He was genuinely sad to hear that--he didn't like that at all.

He is now married to a lovely woman and they have a gorgeous daughter. I do hope he is faithful to her. I hope what I said resonated with him in some way.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I (thankfully) have not been the victim of either an emotional or physical infidelity, that I know of. I did once catch email exchanges between my wife and an ex boyfriend from HS, that while there was nothing in appropriate going on, I didn’t like the idea off a private email exchange with someone of the opposite sex, much less an EXBF. So first, I made sure it ended. Second I started checking email/phone periodically. This was nearly 10 years ago and I still do it. Once you feel the need to start checking, it is mentally difficult to stop checking.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't worry about it at all...but my outlook is very different than most. For starters I was a serial cheater, and the woman I am dating had multiple EAs in her marriage and had a PA on the one serious boyfriend she had before she met me. I view infidelity as far more common of an occurrence than most people do. But... I am not worried at all, not because it can't happen, but because if it does happen, all that means to me is that she doesn't want to be with me. I can't spin my wheels worrying about what "might" happen. I'd much rather just enjoy my relationship. She could wake up tomorrow and decide she is done for dozens of other reasons. For that matter, so could I. With that said I do get the feeling that we are far more compatible with each other than we were our previous partners, so infidelity hasn't been an issue thus far. I have known other serial cheating couples that have gotten together and stayed faithful to each other, so....I do believe its possible. Yes....I can hear the laughter all the way over the internet LoL.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Not at all but I am not sure I have the typical mindset.
> 
> My wife and I have well established boundaries and I have no intention of compromising on them. If she does cheat I know got through it once (with someone else) I can get through it again and now I know I will be fine. Last time I mistakenly was sure I wouldn't be able to get over it and that was the hardest part, now I know better.
> 
> Finally I am always striving to improve myself, I am in good shape for my age and feel positive where I am in life, if she doesn't appreciate me I will have options. My worth is NOT based on my wife's faithfulness to me only my commitment is.


Yep. Fear of the unknown completely incapacitates some people. Not knowing what they will do, or what will happen when faced with this situation. In my case, I have been through it once as well, and am not afraid of it again. I known that I bring a lot to the table, so moving on I have plenty to offer that others want. I've done it before. Reconciliation is not on the table if the trust of the relationship is broken, and I get to decide for me where that line is. My wife can do what ever she wants, but I am the only one who gets to decide how I react.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

First marriage: I never worried about it for a moment, and I believe I was correct in my belief that there was no risk. 

Second marriage: I worried somewhat, because my wife seemed a bit naive, and lacking in a self-observing stance about relationships. She couldn't look at situations from the outside. Nevertheless, I am pretty sure that she never cheated on me.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Up until about a year ago, I trusted her 100%. Then, over the course of a few months, she made some new friends; one of which was a guy who I had some concerns about. I met him at a concert and my wife just seemed to really want to befriend him. Skip to a few weeks later and I see a snapchat message from him on her phone. I happened to be standing there when it popped up. I confronted my wife and her story was all over the place. He wasn't at the bar the night before, then he was. He contacted her in a group Snap, but no such thing exists. I had a literal breakdown. Ended up in the hospital. But, I also did some sleuthing and didn't discover any evidence of anything. It was traumatic and I still feel the anxiety. 

That said, I spent the last year trying to build up more responsible boundaries. Went to therapy for myself and with her. 

Last week, I found a completely innocent text exchange between her and a guy she's befriended. But, since it was 200 txts over 3 days, I thought it was excessive. I asked here to put the shoe on the other foot. I'm texting a woman I met a lot. Is she ok with it. She said no. 

She still goes out at least once a week. I still have concerns about the decisions she's making, but it bothering me isn't enough to change her behavior. And if she didn't cheat or anything, then why should it?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I never worried about it and that is what bit me in the ass. With adultery so prevalent and being seen as "empowerment" by some groups, you would have to be blind not to take some sort of precautions.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

uhtred said:


> In particular if there was no prior infidelity and no blatantly obvious signs, how much does this occupy your thoughts. Do you check up on them? Do you worry about lunch with an opposite-sex coworker, business trips, innocent text messages, attending social events etc? Do you check their phone, email, credit card receipts etc?
> 
> Again this is for the case were there wasn't a previous incident. I imagine its very different if you have caught them cheating in the past.


I was a WW and I am the kind of person random people tell their deep dark secrets to, so I am well aware infidelity is a thing, no one is immune, and there are lot of situations and emotions that might lead a person astray. That said, I don't think about it often and don't worry about it any more than one might imagine and worry about any other catastrophe befalling their marriage. 

I don't check up on DH. He is where he says he is and comes home when he says he will or he'll call/text to let me know something changed. 

DH is a truck driver, so there aren't any lunches with co-workers. 

He's local now, so he isn't away for work anymore. When he was working regional and only home anywhere from 6-10 days a month I did sometimes wonder if a combination of horniness and loneliness would lead him to stray, but I never saw any signs. (You'd weep if you saw our old cell bills in the early '00's. Hours upon hours per day. Thankfully, we had unlimited calling to each other as we were on a shared account, which was kind of a new thing back then!)

DH isn't exactly a social creature. He has a few friends and family members (both his and mine) he keeps in touch with and that's about it. He goes to social events rarely, 90% of the time with me, usually under duress, and generally doesn't stay long.

I don't check his phone or email nor does he check mine in the sense that we're snooping. We're open with our stuff. Frequently heard sentences in my house include:

"Hey, someone called me and I'm in the bathroom. Can you see who it was?"

"Hey, I'm trying to feed the bird! Can you read me the text that just came through?"

"Log into my e-mail and read me the one from XYZ. The signal here is garbage."

"Do me a favor? Grab my phone and text Friend that...."

I do check financials, but that's because it's part of my job as SAHW. All accounts are shared and I manage those accounts. That includes checking balances, tracking spending for budget purposes, making sure there hasn't been any fraud or identity theft, etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm not too worried. There have been a couple times I was concerned throughout our 28 year relationship but it was probably due to relationship problems in general.

The one time I was concerned enough to investigate only uncovered that she was stressing out and going through hormone changes as well as self confidence issues.

She has been far more worried about me and, to be fair, I was a wild one when we met. I didn't think anything short of touching genitals was cheating at first.

I altered my point of view on infidelity after she kicked a hole in our TV after I kissed another woman.

Neither of us has cheated on each other though she cheated in both of her marriages before me and was the OW twice before she got married to her first husband.

She has always behaved trustworthy and hasn't entertained any nonsense with me.

While I won't cheat, she has had a harder time trusting me mostly do to my personality and how others interact with me.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'm not really going to sweat the things I can't control.

I had some serious discussions with my wife prior to marriage. She knows how I feel about infidelity, and trust in general. She had to deal with me coming off the relationship that I had prior to us meeting that trust became a real issue. I promised her that I would never cheat on her; however, if our marriage had issues to the point where I would consider doing such a thing, she had better heed the conversation. We had one of those talks this year, and it ended up with her in tears. Fortunately she heard the call loud and clear, made a series of short term adjustments, and is working on the long term solutions. She took it serious, and I commend and love her for that.

I've always taken one of Ronald Reagan's mottoes to heart: "Trust but verify." Everything is open book, I phones and computers. We know each others passwords and use each others laptops and phones all the time. Neither of us have anything to hide. This position has nothing to do with control, but everything with respect.

Once, she jokingly asked what I would do if she had a fling with her favorite celebrity. I told her prior to doing that, have her luggage staged and her exit plan solidified because she would be needing it. I also added that the same standard applies to me. To me, cheating is not a mistake, it is sheer betrayal. I could never forget or forgive myself for perpetuating such a betrayal on the person I love. Like, I told her, the issue in that case would be not what she would do to me, but what I would do to myself. I simply could not envision living with myself after suc ah low, vile and disgusting action.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

The only reason I check his phone is because of having stumbled upon an occasional reminder from TAM, when I have nothing else to do. "Hey, I'm bored. It's been 4 months... haven't checked his phone!"  

If he notices me, he'll shake his head (knows who the culprit is - the internet), and continue doing whatever it was he was doing! All in good humour. I trust him 100%, and he knows it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I never worry about it. I didn't even when my ex cheated (that relationship was supposedly monogamous, too) - I just dealt with the reality in a suitable way and moved on. It's even less a concern now, since we have an open relationship and are accepting of adding people to ours through polyamory. There is no reason or motive to cheat on each other when it's easy to get permission to do what you want.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> I never worried about it and that is what bit me in the ass. With adultery so prevalent and being seen as "empowerment" by some groups, you would have to be blind not to take some sort of precautions.


*The sad fact of the matter is that after having lost at marital infidelity twice in two marriages, I'm becoming extremely jaded about ever finding Ms. Right ~ because if I ever do, can another be implicitly trusted with something quite as fragile as my heart?

The odds overwhelmingly scream out a resounding, "No!" *


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I would never have guessed there was this much trust on TAM.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Infidelity in the abstract does worry me. Like Arbiter, I've learned to be less trusting with everything and everyone. As I have said many times here, I don't treat my husband like a girlfriend or buddy. I am more careful what I disclose to him. Sadly, I've learned the hard way. Everybody, including spouses and parents, want to hitch their wagon to a winner so too much negative talk about oneself can be toxic to relationship.

At the same time, I've noticed that my husband has gotten better about responding when I get frustrated over things. For example, if I say "I think she does things that way because she is hoping that I will forget ........" Instead, of my husband saying you're crazy / paranoid / I'm sure she has no ulterior motives (and how would he know) ....... he will recognize, whether playing devil's advocate or not, that he can read this person's mind as well as I can and will concede "yes, that is a possibility." Now, I call that progress.

so, no, while my husband leaves his FB, email accounts and so open on the computer that says home downstairs, I don't feel the need to peek.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there is a lot of variation. There is a subset of people who are very worried and spend a lot of time checking on things, and I think they tend to be very vocal when someone posts about a possible infidelity. Then there is another group that doesn't really worry about it. 



SpinyNorman said:


> I would never have guessed there was this much trust on TAM.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SpinyNorman said:


> I would never have guessed there was this much trust on TAM.


It is not trust for me. It is pragmatism. 

I do not worry because I know what to look for, and I put up with no foolishness. If something bothers me, and there is not a good answer, then see you later. 

It does not have to be actual cheating however you define it, any foolishness and it is over. I am too old to waste time with anyone...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it's not a matter of spending time worrying.

it's a matter of being vigilant, with eyes open to human frailties, knowing your spouse and guarding your marriage from all negative possibilities.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I have to admit I worry about it for three reasons:

1. Hubby is very outgoing and is a chic magnet.
2. He travels a lot for work with short-term relocations.
3. He admitted to me a couple of years ago that it is getting rougher and rougher to be without us for long stretches. Not so much missing us but feeling "single". So I've gathered up the kids and traveled to where he is a lot. 

Lately, that is not going to work as our oldest started school this year and I'm pregnant. But this will be his last year for traveling and relocations. We're really an open book to each other, don't believe in privacy except for the bathroom, and will look at each others phone, emails, etc just to keep things open. But he could easily cheat if he wanted to so I have to admit that the thought crosses my mind. And I took his admitting he was feeling "single" as he was feeling "tempted." He surely didn't rule it out although he says he has never cheated and I believe him. But I am watchful. Just being honest.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

lessthennone said:


> Up until about a year ago, I trusted her 100%. Then, over the course of a few months, she made some new friends; one of which was a guy who I had some concerns about. I met him at a concert and my wife just seemed to really want to befriend him. Skip to a few weeks later and I see a snapchat message from him on her phone. I happened to be standing there when it popped up. I confronted my wife and her story was all over the place. He wasn't at the bar the night before, then he was. He contacted her in a group Snap, but no such thing exists. I had a literal breakdown. Ended up in the hospital. But, I also did some sleuthing and didn't discover any evidence of anything. It was traumatic and I still feel the anxiety.
> 
> That said, I spent the last year trying to build up more responsible boundaries. Went to therapy for myself and with her.
> 
> ...


Man, I just have to say; 200 texts in three days?

That's got to be more than many husband/wife examples of texting, in a good relationship. 

Wow.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I don't worry about it for a few different reasons. One is that I've already been cheated on...by every guy I've been with except for my current one. They all screw up at some point and I catch on and then move on. I don't want to ruin the time I'm spending with my new guy now worrying about something that may or may not happen. If it happens I'll deal with it then. 

He is very open with his password to his phone, never leaves the room to take a call, shows me the stuff people send him, etc. He's also been cheated on so he has said more than once that he could never do that to someone. It's entirely possible he's lying to me and again, if that's the case, he'll screw up and I'll figure it out and move on. We've talked about our previous relationships and based on things he's said, he strikes me as the "if it's not working out, just move on and find someone else type." I also don't want to punish him for the sins of others, that's just not fair.

I have made my boundaries very clear as to what I think is okay in a relationship and what isn't. He says he feels the same way that I do and I trust that he's not bull****ting me. I could be wrong though and if I am I'll be sad but I'll survive. I've done it before. That might sound callus and harsh but after discovering 3 separate times that I wasn't enough for someone I'm used to it I guess. 

At the moment I'm also not worried because he says I'm the best sex he's ever had and I'm sure no guy would ever lie to a woman about that!!!! LOL


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> At the moment I'm also not worried because he says I'm the best sex he's ever had and I'm sure no guy would ever lie to a woman about that!!!! LOL


Of course we never lie about that. Just like women never lie about anything to do sex. 

But in all honesty, for me, when I am in love, it is the best sex ever. I don't know if you guys are there or not...


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Of course we never lie about that. Just like women never lie about anything to do sex.
> 
> But in all honesty, for me, when I am in love, it is the best sex ever. I don't know if you guys are there or not...


Truth be told I have never lied about sex to a guy I'm with. I just don't see the point. If things need improvement, lying won't help.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> I think it's a loaded question. Most who are cheated on are caught completely off guard. Once it's done to you, it never leaves your thoughts, whether R or D. It's hard to trust anyone again.



Exactly ! In my previous marriage, I never in a million years thought my hubby would cheat, and then he turned out to be a serial cheater.

I have not reason to believe my current hubby would cheat. If he does, and I find out about it, I guess I will deal with it then. (IOW, get on with the divorce).


Until then, I am enjoying are relationship, and don't want to worry about what if's and maybes. Just because my last hubby cheated, doesn't mean this one will.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm not worried at all and my wife has never expressed even the slightest concern. We've never had a boundary talk but I assume that we both follow the same rough approach - don't do anything you wouldn't do if your spouse was right there with you.

We are very open with each other. We share one password safe. We can unlock each other's phones and computers. We often do so to respond to texts for the other person when driving or in other similar situations.

Both of us have lots of opposite gender friends. Most of the people I work with are women and most of the people at the place she volunteers are men, so it's pretty natural. 

Why does it work for us? Probably because neither of us has ever been burned in the past nor has the other ever given cause for concern. It's also clear when I meet guys that she knows that they expect me to be some kind of superman because of how my wife has described me and when she meets women that I know, they already love her from how I have described her (although there is far too much "you must be a saint to live with Mr. Falcod").

When I read some of the threads on here where people freak out over simple things, it makes me very grateful for what I have. A few examples of things that would probably cause people here to be convinced that it is VAR and PI time include:

- Early in our marriage a guy we were friends with invited us on an island hopping trip one summer. It was an annual thing he did with a group. I couldn't go because I didn't have enough vacation time, but Mrs. Falcod could because it aligned with a school break. So she went away for a couple of weeks with this guy, one other lady we knew, and a group I'd never met. I worried about her travel going smoothly. I worried about the cost. I worried about whether she'd have fun. I never worried that she'd hook up with someone.

- Several years ago, my doctor started making death threats, so I decided to lose some weight and get into better shape. A friend at work was huge into fitness and diet (in fact, she was considering quitting to become a trainer). She offered to train me if I'd come over to her house for an hour before work 3 days a week. I did that for about six months until I built up the knowledge and gear to work out at home. Yes, she was extremely attractive and my wife was very grateful for all the help she gave me. Of course, it would also be insane for an amazingly attractive married woman to start an affair with an amazingly unattractive married man 20 years older than her.

- Recently, a former intern was driving through town on a long trip. She wasn't feeling well, so she called and asked if she could rest at the house for a while. I told that was fine. She came in, chatted politely for about 10 minutes, and then fell asleep on the couch. My wife came home to find me reading a book with an early 20 something young lady that she'd never met sound asleep on the couch next to me. Her response was to make sure that the guest bedroom and bath were all clean and ready in case she needed to stay the night.

-


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sometimes my tail can get a little (unnecessarily) bristled, the whiskers twitch. However, the origins have nothing to do with Batman, his actions, or behavior. It's from observing the mistrust of my father... yep, those father issues surface on occasion, although much less the older I get. I am aware of this and try to catch any distorted thinking. I'm a lot more trusting of Batman's love for me, and more secure within myself, than perhaps I was in the past. That was kind of a big deal for me to recognize.


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