# Drinking everyday



## fuzzy slippers

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I stumbled across this forum while doing a google search for relationship help. I am hoping for some insight in regards to my boyfriends drinking habits. We've been together for nine years, very happy and no kids. We've only been living together for just over a year. In this last year, I've noticed that he drinks everyday. This is not an exaggeration, but a reality. I can't say for sure how much he drinks everyday, but my guess would be about 3-4 servings. It's hard to say, because he buys boxes of wine, not bottles. I have noticed that if we're hanging out, he'll wait until I'm out of the room (bathroom for example) to fill up his glass. That in itself weirds me out a little. 

That being said, he has a great job, he gets up for work in time etc and doesn't treat me any different when he's drinking. He's still kind, attentative etc. However, it does concern me that he drinks _everyday_. I believe strongly in moderation, and don't like the thought of being reliant on substances. 

I haven't brought it up, because I don't really know what to say. I don't really have (or feel that I have) grounds to be upset. He's not hurting me in anyway. However, I'm concerned he might be doing long-term damage and this "habit" might increase in time. I don't have a problem with him drinking, but I do think that every day is a little excessive. I think it is more of a habit than a serious addiction, maybe he is just unaware?

Is it normal to drink everyday? Should I talk to him or mind my own business? If I should talk to him, how can I bring this up without upsetting him?

I know things could be a lot worse (he could be abusive, or addicted to serious drugs) but it is still something that I would like to discuss and work on with him. If I had an addiction, I would want him to discuss it with me. 

Thanks for reading!


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## Hope1964

Health experts have said that a glass or two of red wine every day is good for the heart 

Drinking a bit every day wouldn't raise red flags for me. Getting wasted every day would. We have much more conservative views on alcohol consumption in north America than they do in Europe too, so maybe there's a cultural thing.

If his drinking is not adversely affecting his life then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Discuss it with him, sure, and keep an eye out, but don't freak out too much!


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## deejov

My personal experience may not apply,

It is a problem if he:
drinks and drives
get cranky if there is none
it affects his health, relationships, or job
he is using it cope with life, or stress
he is not able to stop. ie, if there is none in the fridge, he immediately goes and gets some. Instead of just going without until tomorrow.

If he is hiding it, he is aware that others might not approve. That is a very small red flag, if it is the only one. Do you drink at all?


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## fuzzy slippers

Thanks for the replies!

Hope1964: Any suggestions as to how I could bring it up? It's probably not a big issue, but I would like to understand why he drinks everyday. I would like to see him take a night off here and there, just so he is not so dependent. Thanks for the reply, I'm probably over-reacting, and will try not to worry about it too much.

Deejov: "No" to the first three "flags", but "yes" to the last two. He definitely relies on alcohol to help him relax and sleep. He has never in the last 14 months we've lived together, not gone to bed without a glass beside his bed. I think he uses alcohol to cope with stress, and to help him sleep. I would like to see him try other methods to relax. Also, he never lets his supply go down to nothing. Like I said, he drinks every single night and definitely buys more if we are out. I also see the hiding as a red flag. I just think he would rather I not notice that he drinks everyday (which I have never brought up by the way). To answer your question: yes, I drink. But very infrequently. Usually only socially on the weekends with friends, or occasionally if we go out for a nice meal. I don't like drinking during the week, because I feel groggy in the morning and don't sleep as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking during the week, but just not every day. 

I would just like to understand why he drinks everyday. Also, I would like to see him take a night off (like once or twice a week) just so it is not everyday. I don't think drinking everyday is a good thing. Just like, I don't think eating cookies or eating chips everyday is a good thing. Nothing wrong in moderation, but everyday is too much (IMO!) 

Any suggestions on how to bring this up, without sounding like I am judging him or making him feel bad about his actions?


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## Hope1964

'Hey honey, I've noticed that you have a drink or two pretty much every day, and I was just wondering if you ever feel like you would rather do something else to get to sleep?' (wink wink)


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## fuzzy slippers

Hmm...good suggestion, but I don't think that'll work. We have a good, healthy and regular sex life. He still gets up after sex and grabs (another) glass of wine. I really don't think he could replace his wine drinking with sex and it might confuse him if I suggest he slow down on the drinking and get intimate with me instead.

I'd really just like to talk to him about it, but don't know how to broach the subject without sounding judgmental. How can I have an honest talk about this? What is the best way to bring this up?


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## omega

If your concern is more the frequency than the amount, I don't think every day wine drinking is a problem.

I encourage my husband to drink red wine every day, about a glass. His family has a really bad history of heart attacks and I am a bit obsessed with keeping him healthy. And I buy the box wine too, because at the rate of one glass a day, it's the only kind of wine that doesn't go bad (the kind where it comes out a spigot at the bottom) and doesn't have to be chilled.

[For context, we live in a European country where getting drunk is considered unmanly and pathetic. He says he got drunk once in college, but I've never seen him so much as tipsy.]

Daily wine consumption if it's not excessive is probably completely fine.

Now if the AMOUNT is worrying you... does it alter his behavior? Is he becoming tipsy? If he's acting completely sober, he may just have a higher tolerance than you do because of body size / being male, so it may appear more than it really is to you. I do think that drinking so much that one's behavior changes, on a daily basis, is a definite problem.

(By the way, I never drink. I have a cardiac sensitivity and can't have alcohol unless it's cooked off in food. So I'm not some wino telling you all this!)


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## fuzzy slippers

It is frequency AND amount that concerns me. It is not one glass of wine a day, it is usually either 2-3 beers, or 3-4 glasses of wine. It does not alter his behavior or interfere with his working life, or our relationship really. I just think he has a strong reliance on wine (and alcohol) for him to be able to relax. 

I don't think it's a good idea to do anything EVERY single day. And this applies to sex, exercise and drinking...all activities that I think are wonderful and healthy. However, not to the point where you would never go a day without it. I am not exaggerating when I say I haven't seen him go a single day in 14 months without having a drink in a day. If he went to the gym for 14 months straight, without taking a single day off, I too would be concerned. Same goes for sex. I think a day off once is a while (once a month or at least once in a while) is healthy and very necessary. I am concerned that his is addicted, or highly reliant on alcohol in order to be happy and to function. This is why he does it every day. If it wasn't a problem, I think he would have not had a drink at least ONE day in the last 14 months...no? He has not gone a day without a drink, since I have lived with him. He lived alone for 5 years before this, and I think he developed a habit for daily drinking, and this concerns me. 

Now, how best to bring up my concerns without making him feel bad? I don't want to sound naggy, but I am concerned. I think he subconsciously recognizes his "problem" because he does try to hide it (filling up his glass when I'm not around). It feels like the elephant in the room and I just want to talk about it. Suggestions?


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## that_girl

My husband is the same. While I don't worry about it on a "omg my husband drinks everyday!" level...i do worry about his health.

We have talked about it and he is on the cusp for getting help. I don't push it as he never misses work, never gets moody/violent/etc. 

I also have a couple glasses of wine a night...

Eh...something more to add to the cup of healing, I guess. In time...in time.


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## omega

Yeah, that is a bit odd. I was trying to play devil's advocate, but every day without fail is weird. 

I wonder if you approached it really openly, not trying to play tricks like "accidentally running out of wine" to provoke a confrontation - but said something like "there's something I'd like to talk to you about - I don't want to upset you but I'm concerned about your health." And couch it in terms of loving concern. Don't accuse. I'd focus more on the "can we find other ways for you to de-stress that might help remove the stressors rather than just numbing them out?" rather than "you are turning into an alcoholic and it's freaking me out."

Maybe suggesting a massage, or to see if there are some things stressing him out that could be dealt with - if it's finances, something as simple as implementing a budget, if it's deadlines, maybe there's something eating up his time that he could cut out. Is there something actually CREATING stress for him, or is he just a stressy person?


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## that_girl

Omega has some good ideas.


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## fuzzy slippers

Thanks again for all the responses.

Omega: great advice! I think I will approach it as you suggested. He will be home from work soon, so hopefully I can muster up the strength to bring it up tonight. Hopefully I can find tactful and caring words so that it doesn't come across wrong. I would hate for him to be uncomfortable to drink around me, and have to hide it or something. I think it's fine that he drinks and that he drinks regularly, I would just like to see him take a night off now and then. 

Also, no he's definitely not a stressy person (I am ) but I think he suppresses a lot of emotions. We've both been through a lot of loss in the last year (his dad and my mom) and I think alcohol makes it easier to deal with. While drinking, and exercising and making love are all wonderful things in life that should be enjoyed, I don't think they should become crutches for avoiding feelings or emotions. I think alcohol has become a crutch for him. We all go through rough patches, and I just want him to be aware of his drinking and perhaps explore other methods of relaxation and coping. I just hope it doesn't upset him to talk about!


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## joe kidd

I was drinking everyday for awhile. We made a deal. I would not drink during the week if she didn't chastise me about it on the weekend. Seems to work. BTW the last 2 weekends I have had little to none.


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## fuzzy slippers

Thanks for sharing your experience joe kidd. Can I ask how this conversation or "deal" came about with you and your partner? I definitely don't want to make a deal with my partner, or make any "drinking rules" but I would like to discuss it and hopefully he will drink a little less or at least take a day off now and then. Did your partner discuss it in a way that you found helpful? Any suggestions as to how I should bring it up?


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## that_girl

My husband drinks partly to cut the pain of a botched hernia surgery in his groin. Meds don't help. We have to save up for another surgery (because he has to take time off). 

Does your husband has physical pain?


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## pidge70

As Joe's SO I made this "deal" with him because alcohol is a horrible trigger for me. My mother drank a lot and she would then verbally, physically and emotionally abuse me. I rarely drink myself anymore as I was diagnosed with PKD and drinking is a definite no no for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fuzzy slippers

that_girl: no, he doesn't have any physical pain but I do believe he is in emotional pain from the passing of his father. He's young, in his mid-twenties. I know it's common for young men without families to drink frequently, but even my friends boyfriends who drink excessively (blackout, puking drunk a few weekends a month) don't drink _every_ day. 

pidge70: I'm really sorry to hear about your history of abuse and alcohol. I completely understand why you and your SO have some ground rules about drinking in your relationship. I did not mean to say that ground rules aren't important or that there is not a place for them, because there absolutely is. Especially if there are triggers in your relationship. However, I don't feel that any drinking rules need to be put in place in our relationship, as his drinking does not negatively affect me or our relationship. I am only concerned because I think he drinks too much, too frequently. I think he uses alcohol as a crutch and I would like to see him deal with stress and emotional pain in other ways too. I was asking Joe about how you two had the conversation, as I was hoping he would have some tips on how to broach the subject. As your situation is different and you have valid personal reasons to discuss this with him, I don't think they would work in my case.

Anyone else have suggestions for how to bring this up? I'm thinking of going with "I'm wanted to talk to you about something, but don't want to upset you. I've noticed you drink 'most' nights..." I don't know what to say after that, maybe "and it concerns me...?" But I think that might upset him to hear. Also, I don't think I'll say "noticed you drink EVERY night" because that sounds too judge-y and might cause him to become defensive. 

Tips? Suggestions?


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## deejov

If it was me... I would not say " I noticed you drink everyday". (dont' think he wants to know you noticed, does he?) that can put someone on the defensive.

I would casually ask him (maybe when he's hauling a new box in the house or getting a glass after sex), do you drink wine EVERY day? Does it help you relax? Does it give you a headache the next day? Do you ever not drink for periods of time? 
How he responds might tell you a lot about why he is doing it. And open the door to offer other suggestions for relaxing.


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## VTEnviro

My wife just confronted me about a drinking habit. She waited until she was exasperated about it, and worried I would flip out on her.

I knew I had a problem for some time, and finally being called on it was cathartic to me. I listened to her respectfully and am now independendtly seeking assistance.

There is a very fine line here, had she been insulting or caught me when I was drunk, I would have flipped out.

I was in the same boat as the OP who mentioned her man sneaking an extra drink when she wasn't looking.

It has been bad for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am honestly looking forward to getting help, and have her to thank for it.

Be careful, but let your SO know you will be there to provide support.


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## Noel1987

But alcohol a day doesn't keep you fit sometimes we do get mood disorders when things are not going well financial etc but when everything is perfect why don't we all give a... Cheers


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## Trickster

My wife doesn't drink at all. I like to drink alcohol... anything. I can easily drink a bottle a day. Compared to my wife's drinking habits, I think I am an alcoholic... I even stopped drinking and started to go to A.A. meetings and she laughed telling me I wasn't an alcoholic. Sometimes I can drink every day. I can also abstain for a few days. 

The first step in A.A is 

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Sometimes I am powerless over alcohol. My life is NOT unmanageable though. Not yet!

You hubby may be the same. He may just enjoy the wine and feels that he has earned it.

If my wife wanted me to stop drinking, I would! I wouldn't get all defensive on her... I don't think I would.

Just tell Him you are concerned about his health. I slow down my drinking to loose weight.


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## Young&Married

I think it would be smart to bring your concern to his attention, he obviously cant read your mind, so he will have no idea of how you feel until you confront him. 
He probably hides it because he doesnt want you to think he has a problem, either that or it's something he enjoys enough that he would rather keep to himself.
I can kind of relate to him.. I enjoy drinking. I find it relaxing, & I enjoy the slight buzz. I would prefer to have a drink more often at the end of the day, I see nothing wrong with it. My husband on the other hand seems to think I have an alcohol problem, & because of his concern, he finds it appropriate to tell me when i can & cant drink, & what my amount is. Feeling like i cant make the decision MYSELF has caused major problems in our marriage. Now i feel like i need to hide it from him, i want to do it more now than i ever enjoyed before. I can honestly say, had he just "shared" his concern with me, rather than assuming the worst, & becoming controlling- I would have taken what he said into consideration, & limited myself. Dont get me wrong; I have never taken it to the level of being completely smashed, passing out, with no knowledge of what had happened. haha. I just began ignoring what he was saying & drinking more than what he "TOLD" me not to. 

Take into consideration that it may just be something he really enjoys doing.. There really is nothing wrong with it until he gives you reasons to have a problem with it. Which sounds very unlikely!
Good luck!


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## TBT

You could talk to him about it from a health perspective.Alcohol directly affects the brain,as being highly soluble it can pass through cells the same as water.85-90% of alcohol is metabolized through the liver and prolonged use could cause damage.Hope you can get some assurances and I'm pretty sure there is a 20 question test a person can take to see if they may have an alcohol problem.


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## rainydayismusic

He is definitely not drinking for his health.. I can tell you that in my sitch w/my husband, he was drinking long before we were married, this I knew, but a year into our marriage, he was drinking a six-pack every day..jump ahead a couple years and its a 12-pack, yes twelve...And he functions rather well, as long as you don't pick a fight and don't expect him to remember much from the night before...I'm not saying every person will do this, but anyone who has to drink alcohol every day, has a serious chemical dependency..I really don't think that there you can 'Reason' with someone like this..They have to hit rock bottom usually, and decide that they need help for themselves, and they cannot understand until then how their drinking affects those around them.


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## Nikolauz

If that's 3 - 4 servings, that's a little over the healthy "1 - 2 glasses of red wine". It's still not a problem at this stage, but it may become 6 - 7 servings pretty easily. Because, while 3-4 glasses of wine is okay in itself, it's a little more than it should be, especially if it's every day. That looks to me as a beginning of something... As for being kind to you, well, he will be kind to you unless he gets wasted, and then it may be too late.

Blog with use too.


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## Jamison

I think thats where it can all start and possibly go down hill from there, and that is if he feels the need to drink everyday. It can start with that, and for some, it can go from drinking very little everyday to increasing the amount he is drinking everyday to get a better effect. As far as how to approach him, you are welcome to try what others have suggested, but just understand, that just because it might not seem bad now, doesn't mean it couldn't get that way. Also, you could tell him all day long how you feel (and you should) but if truly has a problem, regardless of what you say, he will continue to do what he wants until he can get some help. Another suggestion for you, is to seek out a counselor for yourself, one that might specialize in alcohol issues, and talk with them about your concerns, and see what they can suggest for you. 


Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse: Signs, Symptoms, and Help for Drinking Problems


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## endlessgrief

fuzzy slippers said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I have noticed that if we're hanging out, he'll wait until I'm out of the room (bathroom for example) to fill up his glass. That in itself weirds me out a little.


I been with a man who drinks every day and has drunk every day since we got together in 1985. I am no rookie here to living with a drunk. The fact that he is already "hiding" how much he drinks at parties is a red flag for things to come. He knows in his heart that what he is doing in not acceptable to some or most people so he feels the need to hide. Naturally, the next step is you will feel that you have the right to ask him about it, a fight will ensue. Then he will tell you he will "cut down" on the drinking and may do so FOR YOUR BENEFIT for a little while (don't forget about the resentment you may get for taking away his favorite toy). I could go on, but take it from someone who knows, this will get worse and worse. It is not about YOU, but if you stick around, you will make it your problem. Women tend to "mother" and try to change bad behavior. When you get to be my age (44), you are exhausted, you will be living with a spouse as a roommate and not a lover, you will be full of resentment.

If I scare you, that is good. Put some cold water on your face, read through these forums diligently, read books, attend ALANON, and see what your future will be if you stick with this man. 

Oh, and I will bet he is a good man. My husband is the nicest, funniest person I have ever met. He is still a drunk who can get verbally abusive and stay out all night. Don't let him bring you down with him. Rise above and keep yourself right. 

You only get one life . . ..


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