# BS finally out of the fog



## selfiesarah (Nov 20, 2012)

I'm a people pleasing chump who finally wised up after 25 years with a narcissist. I deluded myself into believing he was a good person who had a terrible childhood. That deep down he loved me and just had trouble showing it. That he was a good person with strong morals. That his selfishness and lack of communication was a symptom of depression. 

For months people here tried to help me see him for what he really was, but I clung to my delusions. It's taken 8 months for me to get the truth - or enough of it to convince me I never, ever, want to be with him ever again. 

Who is he? Well he's a guy who ten years ago hooked up with a co-worker at a Christmas party and then paid for her to have an abortion. That piece of information would have been handy to know 8 months ago when he confessed to being in an EA with a different co-worker. However, he chose to continue hiding it and pretend like this affair was as a result of distance in our marriage. Lonely married guy is befriended by poor tragic abused divorcee...you know the rest.

He told me he loved OW but didn't want to leave our family. Then he sat back and watched as I tore myself to shreds and blamed myself for being too busy, too fat etc to keep my husband, and as I tried everything to keep our family together. 

Meanwhile in the land of cake, cake and more cake, he took the opportunity to start having sex with OW - it was all very exciting apparently with him sneaking out our spare bedroom window and driving to her house in the middle of the night - I kid you not, this is real. I read it for myself in their emails.

I was paralysed by desperation. Every part of me wanted to run for the hills and never see him again, but I have two kids who love their dad so much and I couldn't bear to hurt them by kicking him out. 

So for months the agony triangle continued and I hated myself for not being strong enough to step out of it. Hope is your worst enemy in this situation and although the lies kept coming, I still clung to the belief that the fog would clear and the nightmare would be over.

What ended up happening was my own fog cleared the minute he told me about the cheating from 10 years ago (which he only did because OW was going to). Suddenly I saw him for what he was - an immature, manchild who was so arrogant he thought he could dictate the terms of my life by taking away my choice to choose if I wanted to stay married to him after he cheated - and not for a second do I believe this was the only instance either.

Unfortunately, I think when a BS is in the fog, you want to believe the person you married must be a good person and it's really hard to give up on that idea even in the face of a steaming pile of evidence.

I see a lot of people on here getting frustrated with BS for this reason, but I have to say that even though it took 8 months, every time someone told me I was getting screwed over by my WH a little bit of the message sunk in. Eventually all those little bits added up to undeniable truth.

I also give a million thank yous to chumplady.com, without whom I would probably still be chumpy. As she says "Trust that they suck".


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

I'm so happy for you that you've reached this point and I hope the realization that you don't want this person back in your life helps you to accelerate your healing from this point onward. There is a point at which we as BS have to just look at the WS' actions and the evidence speaks for itself. Like you, I wanted to believe the best of my STBXH but at the end of the day no good person does the things that he's done. I really can't delude myself any longer!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

selfiesarah said:


> Unfortunately, I think when a BS is in the fog, you want to believe the person you married must be a good person and it's really hard to give up on that idea even in the face of a steaming pile of evidence.
> 
> I see a lot of people on here getting frustrated with BS for this reason, but I have to say that even though it took 8 months, every time someone told me I was getting screwed over by my WH a little bit of the message sunk in. Eventually all those little bits added up to undeniable truth.
> 
> I also give a million thank yous to chumplady.com, without whom I would probably still be chumpy. As she says "Trust that they suck".


Basically the BS fog is another word for *DENIAL*. Like you and so many others that come here, you were in denial. Once again, your example shows that for many people, it takes a lot more suffering and heartache before your eyes even begin to open.

Congratulations on finally coming out of denial.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Reaching "the other side" is a great place too be!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Congrats.
You will be way better from now on.
Lawyer time. Nail him to the wall.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

For some of us it takes various beatings to get through to us. I am in what I think is real R and still have hope that things will work our for our M. No matter the outcome, D or R, I believe it is refreshing when we (the BS) come out of our denial.

You are not out of the woods but you are well on your way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Life is better on "this" side than it was on "that" side for sure.


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## myhusbandswife (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you for your inspiring story!  One day I will be out of this crazy fog that I am in!


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Congratulations! Leaving "looking glass land" Is hard but it feels so good to be on the other side!

Just came from there myself, it's normal to feel disoriented, it's just a stage, one of the many.
It will take some time to get your bearings, but you get there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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