# Divorced vs Single



## Whatsright86 (Jun 24, 2017)

Hi all

I think I'm on the brink of divorce in my marriage of 2 years (no kids)...and suddenly I got curious about this.

How did you break the news to your friends and families?

For those who've gone through a divorce without any kids involved, did you find it any different than a pre-marriage relationship breakup? For example, were any potential dates turned off because you were divorced?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We are both previously divorced after long first marriages(23 and 25 years). I had no problems at all dating or marrying a divorced man, he is the best. Some of the truly nicest people I know are divorced. Well, friends and family knew long before my divorce was complete as I was separated for 2 years before I felt able to end it legally. Children knew straight away, close family and friends more or less within days of the separation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

For better or worse, there is still a level of seriousness afforded to marriage that non-married relationships are often not considered to have. With a marriage there are legal entanglements, vows (solemn promises) are typically exchanged before witnesses, and there is often an element of religious affirmation involved. It's harder to end a marriage because there's a greater level of expected commitment involved in a marriage than in a non-marital relationship. So, yes, ending a legally/religiously sanctioned marriage will be seen by many people as a much bigger deal than a simple breakup because it's ending a much more formal and public commitment. 

And, frankly, a divorce - certainly a series of them - is often seen as a bit of a red flag to those in the dating world. Divorces bring up questions about your suitability as a partner that most potential new partners will want addressed if they're looking for something long-term. Most in the dating world don't usually ask why all of your other previous relationships ended, but they're pretty likely to want to know exactly why your marriage(s) did. 

Whether they're turned off by you being divorced will likely depend why and how your marriage ended. Did you divorce after catching your spouse cheating? Did your spouse divorce you after catching you cheating? Two very different messages to a potential date. Did you leave your spouse because you got bored? Did your spouse leave because you stopped being the person they thought they were marrying? Again, two very different situations. Why you're divorced - particularly so soon after your marriage - will likely matter just as much, if not more than, the fact that you are divorced.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

No one has cared I am Divorced only care about how recent to make sure not too soon.

Woman have cared that I have Children and 50% custody though and cancelled dates.

Breaking news was awkward for me i think i just told people individually those closest to me and then word kind of spreads. Also a lot of people figure it out on Social media if you use it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rowan said:


> For better or worse, there is still a level of seriousness afforded to marriage that non-married relationships are often not considered to have. With a marriage there are legal entanglements, vows (solemn promises) are typically exchanged before witnesses, and there is often an element of religious affirmation involved. It's harder to end a marriage because there's a greater level of expected commitment involved in a marriage than in a non-marital relationship. So, yes, ending a legally/religiously sanctioned marriage will be seen by many people as a much bigger deal than a simple breakup because it's ending a much more formal and public commitment.
> 
> And, frankly, a divorce - certainly a series of them - is often seen as a bit of a red flag to those in the dating world. Divorces bring up questions about your suitability as a partner that most potential new partners will want addressed if they're looking for something long-term. Most in the dating world don't usually ask why all of your other previous relationships ended, but they're pretty likely to want to know exactly why your marriage(s) did.
> 
> Whether they're turned off by you being divorced will likely depend why and how your marriage ended. Did you divorce after catching your spouse cheating? Did your spouse divorce you after catching you cheating? Two very different messages to a potential date. Did you leave your spouse because you got bored? Did your spouse leave because you stopped being the person they thought they were marrying? Again, two very different situations. Why you're divorced - particularly so soon after your marriage - will likely matter just as much, if not more than, the fact that you are divorced.


I agree with much of what you said, but I would be far more interested in a man who had had one divorce, especially if that marriage had been long, than a man who had had multiple shorter relationships and maybe lived with a few women. As you say the reason would be important to me as well. If he had been cheated on(as my husband was) then that to me is justifed, but if the marriage ended because he had abandoned his wife and children for no big reason, or even worse because he had cheated or left her for another lady, then that would be a total no no for me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The reason why someone divorced was far more important to me than their status (single or divorced) I had no issues telling friends and family why I divorced. As a matter of fact once I set the record straight that it wasn't my fault but my x wife's I felt very vindicated.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> The reason why someone divorced was far more important to me than their status (single or divorced) I had no issues telling friends and family why I divorced. As a matter of fact once I set the record straight that it wasn't my fault but my x wife's I felt very vindicated.


I think this is really important. For me, as someone who is divorced (no kids), I would almost _prefer_ to date a divorced man, because he is more likely to understand what I went through. That being said, there are also a number of red flags that are easy to spot with a divorced man that would cause me not to date him (or break it off, if we already started dating), but they are about how he relates to his own divorce and his attitude about the marriage ending. 

Generally, a divorced man with kids is a no-go for me, unless they are grown, because as an intentionally child-free adult, I don't want to deal with the hassle. He might be a great guy, but I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where kids are involved. When I first started dating after my divorce, I did date a few guys who had kids, and that was enough to show me that was something I definitely didn't want. If I had kids of my own, I might feel differently.

In regards to telling my family, they made it very easy for me. Not to say that they are gossipy, but my MOTHER is, so word got around. I never really had to tell anyone, except my grandparents (the only people my mom DIDN'T tell, thanks Mom). But they all did offer their support, and made it very easy for me to talk to them about it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My family knew my marriage was in bad shape but were still shocked when I told them I separated and filed. Blood is thicker than water, so family members on each side will be on their side. But who cares. You're lucky you don't have kids, you never have to see her again!!

I only told my mother and a couple close friends. Everyone else figures out soon, especially with Facebook.

The hardest part was telling people we haven't had sex in over 4+ years..... embarrassing. Living in a sham of marriage crushes your will to live. I had a couple religious friends say sex isn't everything and you can fix it. Hahaha. I looked at them and my ex in the eyes and told them I would never have sex with her again, I'm was doing the right thing by leaving her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I think this is really important. For me, as someone who is divorced (no kids), I would almost _prefer_ to date a divorced man, because he is more likely to understand what I went through. That being said, there are also a number of red flags that are easy to spot with a divorced man that would cause me not to date him (or break it off, if we already started dating), but they are about how he relates to his own divorce and his attitude about the marriage ending.
> 
> Generally, a divorced man with kids is a no-go for me, unless they are grown, because as an intentionally child-free adult, I don't want to deal with the hassle. He might be a great guy, but I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where kids are involved. When I first started dating after my divorce, I did date a few guys who had kids, and that was enough to show me that was something I definitely didn't want. If I had kids of my own, I might feel differently.
> 
> In regards to telling my family, they made it very easy for me. Not to say that they are gossipy, but my MOTHER is, so word got around. I never really had to tell anyone, except my grandparents (the only people my mom DIDN'T tell, thanks Mom). But they all did offer their support, and made it very easy for me to talk to them about it.


Great point about kids I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I tried dating women with no kids but they never got the commitment I had to my daughters so the potential for a long term realtionship was a no go. Even when my kids are up and out I wouldn't date a woman who never had kids. I couldn't relate as the largest part of my whole identity is a father.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Great point about kids I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I tried dating women with no kids but they never got the commitment I had to my daughters so the potential for a long term realtionship was a no go. Even when my kids are up and out I wouldn't date a woman who never had kids. I couldn't relate as the largest part of my whole identity is a father.


I agree. When we met and married, our children were all aged between 18 and 28, so we had that in common. I think it would be hard for anyone with no children to suddenly become a step parent to young adult kids.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Great point about kids I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I tried dating women with no kids but they never got the commitment I had to my daughters so the potential for a long term realtionship was a no go. Even when my kids are up and out I wouldn't date a woman who never had kids. I couldn't relate as the largest part of my whole identity is a father.


I would prefer to date a divorced man who has children. I have children myself and have found that the few guys I've dated who don't have children just don't get it. They seemed to have little concept of how important my kids are to me and, because the kids are grown up, couldn't understand my interest and involvement with them. I also generally have found the men without kids to be more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

doobie said:


> I would prefer to date a divorced man who has children. I have children myself and have found that the few guys I've dated who don't have children just don't get it. They seemed to have little concept of how important my kids are to me and, because the kids are grown up, couldn't understand my interest and involvement with them. I _*also generally have found the men without kids to be more self-involved, more self-obsessed and need*_y.


My limited experience with women who didn't have children was the same.

Nothing wrong with that mind you. Everyone gets the life they want. I could only imagine the freedoms of no kids. Just having them 1/2 time has been life changing


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> My limited experience with women who didn't have children was the same.
> 
> Nothing wrong with that mind you. Everyone gets the life they want. I could only imagine the freedoms of no kids. Just having them 1/2 time has been life changing


And as someone without kids, I love having that level of freedom. It's very precious to me, and I would be loathe to give that up.

However, to say that people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy is pretty harsh, and is perpetuating a negative stereotype and makes kid-free people out to be bad people. We have different priorities. That's it. Not better or worse, just different.

ETA: I was handling that with kid gloves, and I realize that I should just say what I mean. The statement that "people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy" is actually really insulting and offensive, not to mention judgmental.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> And as someone without kids, I love having that level of freedom. It's very precious to me, and I would be loathe to give that up.
> 
> However, to say that people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy is pretty harsh, and is perpetuating a negative stereotype and makes kid-free people out to be bad people. We have different priorities. That's it. Not better or worse, just different.
> 
> ETA: I was handling that with kid gloves, and I realize that I should just say what I mean. The statement that "*people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy"* is actually really insulting and offensive, not to mention judgmental.


Good thing that isn't what I said then. What I said is the women *I* met were that way. Never said anything about all people


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Good thing that isn't what I said then. What I said is the women *I* met were that way. Never said anything about all people


No, but you were quoting @doobie's post, and she said it. (Although she said men. You said the women you've met. I combined them for people.)


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> And as someone without kids, I love having that level of freedom. It's very precious to me, and I would be loathe to give that up.
> 
> However, to say that people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy is pretty harsh, and is perpetuating a negative stereotype and makes kid-free people out to be bad people. We have different priorities. That's it. Not better or worse, just different.
> 
> ETA: I was handling that with kid gloves, and I realize that I should just say what I mean. The statement that "people without kids are more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy" is actually really insulting and offensive, not to mention judgmental.


I was careful not to be judgemental here - what I said was:

_I would prefer to date a divorced man who has children. I have children myself and have found that *the few guys I've dated who don't have children* just don't get it. They seemed to have little concept of how important my kids are to me and, because the kids are grown up, couldn't understand my interest and involvement with them. I also *generally have found the men without kids* to be more self-involved, more self-obsessed and needy.​_
Wolf then pointed out that he has had similar experiences with the women he's dated who don't have kids. 

I've experienced some quite harsh treatment from SOME of my adult friends, both male and female, who don't have children. The last guy I dated didn't have children and he once told me that I'd had no value in the past because I was bringing up children - this is despite the fact that I had a career (and retrained and changed career twice while raising a family). Also despite the fact that he said I was the most interesting person he'd ever met but couldn't understand why when all I've done with my life if "be a mother" which is far from the truth - I've worked, I've done volunteering, I've run two businesses and I have many interests. During the time we were together, all this guy wanted to talk about was how his plans for the future had fallen through leading to depression (he was still in a far more comfortable financial position than I could ever hope to be). While we did have some interesting conversations about history, archaeology, science, biology, current affairs, etc, the conversations always came back to how depressed he was, reporting in detail his conversations with people and what other people were doing socially - who was sleeping with whom, etc - all of which I don't find particularly intersting.

I have a female friend who has no children and she dominates every conversation by detailing every conversation she has had with others (and I mean every single word said!), picking apart the conversations and "hidden meanings" and then repeating the whole process two or three times! I'm sure that I've been made aware of every single conversation this woman has had in her life. When not talking about conversations with others (most of whom I don't even know), she'll be telling me in minute detail about how she's moved her furniture round or what she's bought and the exact location of it in her apartment. When I have managed to get a word in edgewise, she's interrupted me to say "That's boring - you haven't done anything with your life that's worth talking about". I was made aware every time she shaved her legs, how she prepares her clothing, body and face for dates, etc. After a date, she would come and describe the whole evening, everything they said to each other, and even explicit detail about the sex! 

I meant no offence to those who don't have children, I was merely pointing out that *in my experience*, I *generally *found the men I've dated who don't have children to be more self-obsessed, more self-involved and needy. I said it because it's been the truth (with the men I've dated).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

It is only natural to be curious as to how you can will be accepted on the other side, but even more importantly is how you will accept yourself and what lessons you will learn from your experiences. Some people never accept themselves for who they are and continue to audition and have others audition for the roles they imagine they play. Others never learn the correct lessons from their experiences and just continue to make the same mistakes over and over. 
So to me I think your question should be - what did I learn from this short marriage to become a better person. There are reasons why you were only married for a short period before getting divorced. What were those reason? What can you learn from them?
I think when you accept those answers and began to live them, you will find that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. They will either accept you or reject you for who you are. Either way it is a win-win. You either happened upon someone who is right for you or you found someone who is not.
So my advice is to not worry what others think, focus on your self. Learn your lessons and become a better version of your self. If you do that, the future will take care of it self.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> No, but you were quoting @doobie's post, and she said it. (Although she said men. You said the women you've met. I combined them for people.)


I quoted her for the point she made same as I quoted you earlier for a point you made. I was clearly and specifically only talking about my limited experiences dating women who didn't have kids and how it shaped my list of deal breakers, same as you have made yours about not dating men who have kids. 

Really failing to see what point you are making here. I am no more wrong for my opinion on who I date than you are for whom you choose to date or pass on.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I may be a little sensitive and defensive on this point, and read too much into your earlier comments. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

As a childless woman, you would not believe the seemingly constant attacks I receive from some people who have children. I'm accused of being selfish, self-centered, or immature for not having children, or I'm told that I don't know what I want, that I should have children before it's too late, because I will regret not having children later. I have to constantly defend my choice.

The two posts were feeling like that, and I may have inferred too much and was feeling defensive.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I may be a little sensitive and defensive on this point, and read too much into your earlier comments. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
> 
> As a childless woman, you would not believe the seemingly constant attacks I receive from some people who have children. I'm accused of being selfish, self-centered, or immature for not having children, or I'm told that I don't know what I want, that I should have children before it's too late, because I will regret not having children later. I have to constantly defend my choice.
> 
> ...


My apologies if you were upset by what I wrote, that really wasn't my intention at all  . I was trying to point out the reasons that I have for preferring to date men who already have children. I brought up my kids alone and came across loads of men who wanted to date (and have sex) with me but who didn't want to get into a serious relationship with somebody who already had kids. It seemed as if these guys saw me and my kids as a potential burden, I'm not a burden, I was never looking for a replacement father for the kids and really didn't want anybody who wasn't a parent (with the feelings and emotions that being a parent can bring) to have any say in how I was running my household and bringing up my kids (plenty of guys tried to tell me I should be doing things differently). This has led me to overcompensate with a high level of independence and it's also led me to being unable to ask for anything - help, favours from friends, etc. I tend to just manage on my own, however much of a struggle I have. I once moved a heavy double wardrobe from my front door, all the way upstairs and into my bedroom on my own, rather than ask anybody to help me! As I'm only 4ft 10ins and 42 kilos, it was quite a challenge  . 

As for the attacks on you for choosing not to have children, that really is unfair and you shouldn't have to defend yourself for your life choices. I also have friends without children who are not selfish or self-obsessed, some of whom are brilliant uncles, aunts, significant adults in the lives of the children of their friends and relatives. You've made the decision that's right for you and shouldn't have to explain yourself to others. 

Once again, so sorry if it upset you, that really wasn't my intention  x


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

doobie said:


> My apologies if you were upset by what I wrote, that really wasn't my intention at all  . I was trying to point out the reasons that I have for preferring to date men who already have children. I brought up my kids alone and came across loads of men who wanted to date (and have sex) with me but who didn't want to get into a serious relationship with somebody who already had kids. It seemed as if these guys saw me and my kids as a potential burden, I'm not a burden, I was never looking for a replacement father for the kids and really didn't want anybody who wasn't a parent (with the feelings and emotions that being a parent can bring) to have any say in how I was running my household and bringing up my kids (plenty of guys tried to tell me I should be doing things differently). This has led me to overcompensate with a high level of independence and it's also led me to being unable to ask for anything - help, favours from friends, etc. I tend to just manage on my own, however much of a struggle I have. I once moved a heavy double wardrobe from my front door, all the way upstairs and into my bedroom on my own, rather than ask anybody to help me! As I'm only 4ft 10ins and 42 kilos, it was quite a challenge  .
> 
> As for the attacks on you for choosing not to have children, that really is unfair and you shouldn't have to defend yourself for your life choices. I also have friends without children who are not selfish or self-obsessed, some of whom are brilliant uncles, aunts, significant adults in the lives of the children of their friends and relatives. You've made the decision that's right for you and shouldn't have to explain yourself to others.
> 
> Once again, so sorry if it upset you, that really wasn't my intention  x


Thanks for that. 

If they saw you having kids as a burden, that's their shortcoming. There are plenty of men who would see that "burden" as a blessing.

But I could see how they might be concerned about a financial burden, to some extent. If you don't have kids, and you marry someone who has kids, a good portion of your income is going to go towards those kids, even if your partner is receiving child support from their ex-spouse. (Let's be honest here, child support doesn't come close to covering the cost of raising a kid. That's why so many divorced co-parents fight over who is going to pay for summer camp and band uniforms and softball league dues.) So either you accept, as a childless person, that you are going to help financially support your partner's children... or you nickle and dime everything involving the kids, including the rent, the utilities, the grocery bills. (Because THAT isn't going to hurt the relationship.) But there are people more generous of heart, who will say, bring it on, it's a package deal, I want you AND your kids.

RE: Attacks about not having children... luckily, that BS has died off since I divorced. But back when I was married (and before that, when we were engaged), it happened all the time. At least once a week.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> I may be a little sensitive and defensive on this point, and read too much into your earlier comments. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
> 
> As a childless woman, you would not believe the seemingly constant attacks I receive from some people who have children. I'm accused of being selfish, self-centered, or immature for not having children, or I'm told that I don't know what I want, that I should have children before it's too late, because I will regret not having children later. I have to constantly defend my choice.
> 
> ...


As a man who never fathered children I run into the same and it's tiresome and I also don't feel that I need to explain to every person why. When married it was an even bigger issue and EVERYONE always had to know why we didn't have kids.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

honcho said:


> As a man who never fathered children I run into the same and it's tiresome and I also don't feel that I need to explain to every person why. When married it was an even bigger issue and EVERYONE always had to know why we didn't have kids.


It is INCREDIBLY invasive! What if the couple in question desperately wants children but their parts don't work right? IVF and adoption is prohibitively expensive. What if they've been trying, and they've had multiple miscarriages? It's a very painful topic for a many childless couples, because they didn't make that choice.

I have gotten downright rude to people who ask me these days, letting them know just how inappropriate their questioning is. I just don't give a **** anymore.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I may be a little sensitive and defensive on this point, and read too much into your earlier comments. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
> 
> As a childless woman, you would not believe the seemingly constant attacks I receive from some people who have children. I'm accused of being selfish, self-centered, or immature for not having children, or I'm told that I don't know what I want, that I should have children before it's too late, because I will regret not having children later. I have to constantly defend my choice.
> 
> ...


Sorry about the attacks you received FIP certainly not what I was doing. As a single father I get it. I have been accused of everything from being a child molester to an abusive husband because my x wife left me when we had an eight month old and a four year old. I found those attacks, all from women mind you, equally insulting and offputting. As if somehow wanting to be a father was a bad thing. Because of my bad experiences I am much more comfortable dating and wading in my own pool so to speak. I think in the end that's what we all do.


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