# Looking for outsiders perspective



## Darcy (Aug 31, 2012)

It is so hard to see things clearly when there is so much emotion involved. I am having major issues in my marriage. I have two young children, a beautiful home, happy job, two sweet dogs, and I do feel fortunate for all these things.
However, my husband is and has continuously been a source of sadness & anger for me. He has issues with drinking, stemming from emotional/personal issues – and I did discover these before we were married. However, he sought help – quit drinking and vowed he would not drink anymore/change his ways. Those ‘ways’ consisted of thing like drinking alone, wetting the bed, getting so drunk he would slur his speech, become mean/weird a different person, shady behavior. Whether connected to the alcohol or not, I also discovered was a financial nightmare – totally irresponsible, never paid small dr. bills, tickets etc. has awful credit. This was also a source of argument – and he vowed to improve. 

Anyway we are married and two small children later. He has managed to improve his credit, and largely quit drinking. However – not completely. I have caught him multiple times over the past few years drinking. A couple of times he has even driven. And he always initially lies about it/tries to cover it up. He was laid off almost two years ago – and sat around for months twiddling his thumbs before deciding he was going to start his own business – the dream. 

At that time I find out he never received his college diploma due to missing some class. 7+ year later, and he never did anything about it. I got him to contact someone after pestering him – and they made an exception, and granted him the degree. I am thinking, what kind of a person spends four years at a top university (parents shelled out ridiculous amount of money for) – and never bothers to make sure he technically graduates?! 

I find out recently that while I was out of town with my kids – he went out drinking again behind my back two separate weekends, including strip clubs ALONE, and gambling. He spent $700+ in one night. He also lied to me about what he was doing in that area at first before I pressed him again and again to come clean.

He seems to have had no problem spending this money, despite the fact that he has been unemployed for nearly two years, and we have had to rely on his parents for money to pay for half of our bills. I work full time and pay my half. 

His parents agreed to fund his business venture (basically making his hobby his livelihood), and pay for whatever amount of money needed for his half of the bills. But – nonetheless, and extra money I have come across in my job – like large bonuses, has ended up going to pay for bills. This is money that if he had a job – would have gone into savings. So I am in fact, funding this business as well. This is a time in our lives where I envisioned us both in our earnings primes – saving etc. for our children future, and being able to take trips. 

Although he is not supposed to be mixing business expenses & personal expenses he continues to – and lies about it. He has taken over $3300 out of our house bills money for his business and would have never owned up to it if I hadn’t noticed & questioned it. He claims that its only been a year since starting the business and its ‘turning a profit’ of $3,000 a month and will grow. I have serious doubts that someone so irresponsible and with issues telling the truth can successfully start a business. How could I ever trust what he tells me his numbers are, or is just inflating them to keep going. 

I am losing all respect for him, and I fear for our marriage and the pain a separation would bring my children. I think he is a spoiled brat, who has not motivation and just expects his parents will always bail him out of any financial troubles he has. He has taken a frightening amount of money from them on a regular basis. Why can’t he be his own man? I am just so angry and resentful towards him. We have started seeing a therapist – but it’s a long week till the next visit. 

He thinks I am this nag who will never be happy with him no matter what, and gives him ‘panic attacks’ etc. That I should be happy that he does the laundry (even though he never folds or puts anything away). Then he’ll turn around around and apologize, and say he’ll work on it. After the latest incident he told me he was going to stop the business, it was over, it wasn’t working he’d never make enough money. Two weeks later I ask him again and he says yes it’ll be sold off in two months. The next sentence he then says, well actually – I don’t know know if I am going to actually sell it off now. 

Thanks for letting me vent here.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hate to say this, but I've already been in your shoes. I'm just about 15 years ahead of you. Unfortunately, the story doesn't end well. My estranged husband destroyed our family, squander away all money, and tossed a good business. Sadly, the final nail in the coffin will be in 12 days. Our dream home will be auctioned off because the bank refused to work with me because of what he did.

Now is the time to make permanent changes. There's still hope for you at this point. Hope counseling can have a positive impact on his irresponsible behavior.

Best wishes for your family.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Yep, sounds all too familiar to me, too (except the drinking part.)
My STBXH's parents apparently bailed him out for YEARS from his poor financial decisions. I am $100,000 in debt to MY parents as well (I don't expect his sorry azz to come up with dime-one to help pay them off.) He is full of dreams and bullsh*t, indulges HIS wants regardless of whether the bills are paid or not.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to GET OUT. GET OUT NOW. I hope your children will NOT grow up like mine who NOW checks the phone before answering as she knows not to pick up for bill collectors (how RIDICULOUS and SAD is that? I was not raised that way and neither was my STBXH, but it's what we sunk to.) I left his lying, selfish azz in May and I have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER. I have a job, I pay my bills, if my car needs repair, I have the money for it. I live a much more stress-free life without the ridiculous and never-ending financial stresses brought on by his narcissistic needs and immature choices.

I wish you happiness and fulfillment, but you're not going to find it with him. You and your children deserve so much more, and you can give it to yourself and them. good luck!


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I also had a husband who was financially reckless and deceitful. The situation got worse over time, not better. The stress was tremendous, and I felt that he took advantage of me and had no respect for my hard work and income. I suggest you lay down the law. He gets counseling for his drinking and take steps to learn to manage money properly, or you walk. 

It is hard to be on one's own, especially with children, and I miss the life we once had. But I LOVE having total control over my finances. The debt he incurred in my name still hovers over me, but the day to day money, though uncomfortably tight, is under my control and I know exactly what is going on with it. It is a huge relief.


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## WTBJ (Sep 1, 2012)

I have alcoholism, I got sober 7.5 years ago. I'm not perfect, still make mistakes, and still do crazy things. It sucks  However I am a 75% improvement from where I was 7.5 years ago at the age of 21. I would suggest you go to Al-anon. It is a support group for loved ones affected by alcoholism. My hubby does not drink and he has problems too. Al-anon can really be alife saver and a marriage saver, and bring harmony to yourself, NO MATTER WHAT happens in your life and your marriage.

All the best, and just to let you know, we don't drink to hurt people, we drink because we are sick. Imagine finding out you are an alcoholic at 20, getting sober at 21, and now 7.5 years later at 28 explaining to 70 year old people that they have alcoholism. Like talking to a cactus!

Go to Al-anon and pray for the guy, as he sure as hell sounds like he needs it 

"G-d this is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him. Save me from being angry, thy will be done." You can replace the word person for bastard/idiot/whatever you think they are acting as at the time 

Hope that helps

Jess


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## Darcy (Aug 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I will see what the counseling brings. I guess I just dont want to be the person who many years later looks back thinking I should have been stronger earlier and realized nothing will every change. My two kids are just babies right now so its so tough. But, yes I do yearn for the financial & emotional stability - knowing things are not being hidden from me at least. My plan for now is to draw a clear in for him, and if it gets crossed again its done. I understand with alcoholics - there will always be backslides. And I think the financial part/lack of drive is just his upbringing. There also has to be a point for me to say ok enough. And I dont know if itll be possible for me to build up respect for him when he keeps screwing up. I did go to one Al-Anon meeting, and perhaps I will go to more to see if it helps. Thanks everyone taking the time to provide your input to a stranger....sometimes you just need to write things down and get them out.


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