# Please provide some thoughts on this situation please..



## stevedaddy (Oct 9, 2009)

A mother is leaving her two children (one of which is still breastfed) for four hours on a saturday to pursue a hobby. Because she doesn't believe her Husband understands what it's like to take care of his own children without help, she committed him to stay home and not leave the house at all or associate with anyone who may provide some help watching the children. The husband has various responsibilities (work) requiring his attention on this particular weekend as well as parents who are always asking to see their grandchildren. The husband feels like it is a good idea to kill two birds with one stone by taking the children to his parent's house (allowing them to spend time together) while at the same time, tending to some of his work requirements. Upon informing his wife of his plan, she immediately accuses him of disregarding her wishes and demands emphatically that he stay home and learn what it is like to watch the kids. (Background: everyday after work the husband comes home and dutifully helps with the children without being asked. He regularly bathes, feeds, and puts the older child to bed with a book and a song, cleaning up the dishes afterward - he's not a slacker when he is at home). The young wife points out that the husband has never spent four straight hours alone with the newborn and needs this experience to appreciate what the wife has to deal with everyday. Husband plans on spending the majority of the time with the kids, but wants to provide them some time with the grandparents, allowing him to run some work related errands during this time. The proposed plan presented by the husband sparks an argument with the wife.

Who should back down?


----------



## amymc01 (Oct 6, 2009)

Having been a stay-at-home mom of a newborn in the past, I do understand that mom feels unappreciated and overwhelmed. Many stay-at-home moms begin missing outside interaction and even envious of dad's ability to get out of the house every day (even though he is working, too). What I do not understand is, if mom has the opportunity to get out of the house for four hours on a Saturday, and dad is willing to keep the kids, why does it matter WHAT he does with the kids. He is not using his parents as alternative babysitters, simply allowing grandparents an opportunity to visit their grandchildren.

Suggestion - compromise - stay at home with the kids for part of the time and allow grandparents part of the time. Continue to allow mom this time away from home/kids and she will eventually feel better when the baby is older and not quite so needy. Speaking from experience - it is very overwhelming to have an infant alone all day, day after day. Do what you can to alleviate her stress and give her an outlet.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

neither should 'back down'.

there is no 'back down'.

you should want to abide by your wife's wishes because you love and support her.

and she should want to abide by your wishes because she loves and supports you.

marriage is about compromise, not power plays by proxy with the children as pawns.

i also wonder if one side or the other is a 'right fighter'.

respectfully, you and your wife need to communicate and interact more amicably.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Dude, you should stay home and stop taking the easy way out. Admit that you're running home to mommy and daddy so they can do what you're afraid to do on your own.


----------



## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

I think it is a great idea for your wife to get out on a Saturday and do something for herself. Four hours isn't asking for much. However, I don't understand, if you help out as you say you do when you get home from work, why she cares if you take them to visit their grandparents. As long as you show appreciation for what she does all week and are willing to let her get out now and then without a complaint??? Do you let her know that she is appreciated?? Have the two of you gone out together without the children lately? Maybe you need some time for just the two of you?


----------



## stevedaddy (Oct 9, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. Some of it is actually useful! It's not so much an issue of her being able to get out and do something. She just doesn't want me to have help. Apparently it is some sort of test. I'm not at all "afraid" of a 2 year old and 2 month old. I've handled them before for 2 hours at a time (feedings for the young one tend to require the mother's presence).

It has to be a case of not feeling appreciated. However, I don't understand why she doesn't. I tell her she's a great mom everyday and always pitch in when I'm not working. I pretty much never go out to hang with friends, leaving her home, but do have to travel for work somewhat regularly. 

I'm hoping to get a better perspective of where she's coming from.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

stevedaddy said:


> It has to be a case of not feeling appreciated.........I'm hoping to get a better perspective of where she's coming from.


I think you've hit the nail on the head in these two statements. Honor your wife's wishes in this matter and see how it all turns out. She is obviously trying to drive home a point and it is your duty to do all you can to understand her. I don't consider asking any parent to spend 4 hours of undivided attention with their children out of line. I think it is a great opportunity that more parents should do on their own initiative. When they get to be teens (like mine are) they'll be more interested in friends, sports, TV.... than you. You'll Cherish these kinds of memories. Good luck


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I agree with Amplexor. Your wife really is reaching out here to get you to understand what she does all day long. You should do it. She obviously feels unappreciated and under valued and needs you to experience this. If it's important to her it should be to you also. What do you have to lose? You get to spend with your children and make your wife happy. Why even argue about it, it's pointless. Pick your battles more wisely. I am sure your W can leave you a bottle to feed the baby.


----------



## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

stevedaddy said:


> she doesn't believe her Husband understands what it's like to take care of his own children without help, she committed him to stay home and not leave the house at all or associate with anyone who may provide some help watching the children.
> 
> she immediately accuses him of disregarding her wishes and demands emphatically that he stay home and learn what it is like to watch the kids.
> 
> The young wife points out that the husband has never spent four straight hours alone with the newborn and needs this experience to appreciate what the wife has to deal with everyday


I'm thinking that this goes a tad beyond "appreciating" your wife. IMO, she thinks you don't have a clue about how difficult her life is right now and how important what she does is to your family's welfare. That's a bit different than just appreciating what she does. At least to me, it's different. There are times when my husband can "appreciate" my help, but he doesn't realize the level of perseverance and patience or aptitude or whatever it is that it takes to get the job done. It's more than hearing gee honey, thank you for doing that or wow you're doing a great job. I'm just not sure if he even gets how great of a job I really did. That's where I think your wife is.

The other thing that struck me as odd was her accusation of you "disgregarding her wishes and demands". WOW! To me, that says she's very resentful of never feeling part of the decisions being made in the house. Now, that may be far fetched, and I apologize if it is, but that's how I'd take that statement.

I realize you say you have work responsibilities but in this particular instance I think it would be a good plan, if possible, to make other arrangements for the work responsibilities and do it her way. IF this is a normal behavior for her to demand you do it her way, then no but it doesn't sound like it's "normal" for her to demand you do things her way.

Is it possible that you, unintentionally, give the impression that your "work" is more difficult, more demanding, more important than hers? [winces] I'm afraid it's possible that you do.

She's making a very, very strong statement here and I don't think you want to miss the point. If it's not clear to you, then ask her to explain it in detail so that you can hear her and make changes if needed. I'd say it's important.

Anyway, just my $0.02. Use what works for you and throw the rest away. 

Lost


----------



## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

I think what she has asked, that you take care of both kids without any help, is not unreasonable. You should make an effort on it, say, as an act of appreciation.

On the other hand it sounds like your wife impose this on you hastily and disregard your work commitment. You should be able to negotiate it for another day and commit a few hours to this.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would say make an effort to stay home with them...2 hours and 4 can be night and day with a newborn...4 usually means you will have a combination of tired, hungry and diaper changes and can feel somewhat 'glued' to the baby if there are other things pressing that you hoped to get done...I do think she wants you to really understand what her days are like. By doing this, you will reinforce that her feelings really matter to you. There will be plenty of other time for visits with your parents.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She'd just like you to walk a mile in her shoes...


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sorry, my opinion differs on this one from some of the comments on here. It sounds to me like she is trying to punish you. It sounds a bit patronizing to me that she should give you an order to stay with the children without help. Unless you have been neglecting the wife (which from your post does not sound like you are) why is she so unreasonable. I would think that you already know how hard of a time it is to take care of a newborn. You aren't ignorant to her situation; why should you have to "pay' a debt to her. You are also working and contributing to the household. Unless there is something else going on here, like you may have told her at one time how tired you are from work and could not help her with something that she got offended by there is absolutely no reason to make you stay at home with no help just so you can see what she goes through. I mean c'mon, unless you are just plain ignorant, you should already appreciate and admire her for the hard work she does.

Also, would it not make more sense to get the grandparents involved; I mean, why doesn't she also invite the grandparents over when she is with the baby to have them spend time with them and help her. Sorry dude but it sounds like a cop out to me. Again, from my perspective it looks like punishment; like you need to pay the price for her being so tired of the hard work. That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 

BTW, we raised three children as well and I know darn well that you are sacrificing for them too. I think your wife just needs some attention from you and she isn't getting enough of it but this is no way to tell you that. I agree with others on here that a comprimise is the best option. She may be mad for some reason but it makes no sense to me that the way to show you that is to make you mad as well - totally childish of her.

And for all the posters on here in case you are going to bash me, when I was raising my kids, we didn't have parental leave for husbands, I had to work and at the same time took turns with my W getting up 3 times a night to feed the baby. There is no reason to stick the difficulty of raising an infant in the H's face.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's either to punish you or to allow you to see how things really are... therefore gaining your "appreciation."

Not sure which but either way...you probably should stay home this once. Get her point and move on. Doesn't mean that you need to stay home every Saturday with the kids. Just this once.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Anyone breastfeeding a 2 mo. old is sleep-deprived. She probably has not had more than 2-3 hours of sleep in a row, and nothing--truly nothing--replaces a consistent 6-8 hours of unbroken sleep. With a 2 year old on top of it, she feels like total crap most of the time and probably NOTHING you do could help (as you will see, however, giving up b/c you can't "fix it" for her isn't the right answer, either). 

Having said that, I think it is important for you to recognize that the one issue is, your wife is taking out her frustrations on you and does not realize it. This is a very difficult situation both of you. 

At the same time, I find it incomprehensible that you cannot give 4 hours on a weekend to devote to your family. NO JOB is that urgent or important. Is it worth being on the "fast track" or whatever, to let your job interfere with your family life? Learn to live within--and be happy within--your current means and get yourself off the track to a better position and more money. Your family is forever; your job probably isn't. 

Also, start taking one night a week where your wife sleeps elsewhere with a loud fan to block any noise while you get up with the baby. At 2 months, her milk supply is safely established and she can pump out any excess as needed. One night a week will really help her cope better (she won't sleep well the first night, so don't let her give up) AND will give you a MUCH better idea of her life these days. (To make it even more realistic, she should spend the next day with her mom or a girlfriend and the newborn, while you tend allllllllll day to the 2 year old. Then imagine that being replayed every single day and night for weeks on end. NOW you'll start to get it. OK, everything in parentheses is tongue-in-cheek, but after a night with a newborn that YOU have to feed, etc., you will really understand a bit better. Try two nights in a row and get back to us!) 

Finally, the fact that you "help out" is probably irritating as hell to her, in a way. It's her life, and you get to "play" at it and then want credit for "helping out." You only have to be daddy for 2 hours. She has to be mommy 24/7 (minus the four hours she goes canoeing). It's hard work being mommy--so much to do, so many disruptions, such high stakes, filled with doubts, and often boring as sh*t. Our outside jobs have lots of external rewards (including being paid, promoted, getting great reviews, etc.) that others see and validate. Mommy doesn't get paid or get promoted or get professional feedback. Yes, she gets messy kisses and sweet smiles, which no one sees but her. And she gets tons and tons of crying and dirty diapers and laundry and. . . the list is endless. Furthermore, it is more or less expected that somehow mommy will find this the most fulfilling job of her life, because she is female. Well, it isn't. God knows that I love my kids and was glad to stay home with them, but I was never happier than when the youngest started school and I could get my REAL life back, the one where I could earn money and not have someone hanging on me all day long. It was a stage I was willing to go through, it was satisfying in its own way and I'd do it again, even knowing what it is like, because of the love I feel for my kids. But I also know that working outside the home is so much easier in a lot of ways, and unless you've done the "stay at home mom" thing, you simply cannot appreciate it. 

So here's your mission, if you choose to accept it: realize that you will never fully understand. Realize that your wife is in an incredibly difficult stage of life and she has no one but you to "blame," b/c she sure as heck isn't going to blame the kids. Realize that the blame isn't fair, but don't get angry about it. Sympathize with her, and do your pathetic 4 hour shift once a week. Do what you can to help her get some decent sleep once a week. Don't be her whipping boy, however, and gently remind her, "You're tired and frustrated b/c right now you have the world's best and worst job. It's temporary. Please don't blame me; I'm on your side. Go have a good cry or a nap if that's what you need; I'll take over from here." Then follow through, and do what needs to be done, and do it right. Don't decide it's too hard or "just her way," and be satisfied with an inferior job. You'll just be leaving work for her to finish. ("Needs reduction" is a common male strategy when faced with what has traditionally been called "women's work." It's reducing the standard applied to the task to get through the task faster. Men typically do this so they can get back to what THEY want to be doing. Women know that taking a short cut NOW means more work for THEM later--if you don't fold the clothes now, they'll need to be ironed later--and we are not sending our children and husbands out in wrinkly clothes; that is not an option--would you go to work in a wrinkled shirt? Would you hand over wrinkled documents to your employer? Will you iron all the kids' clothes before they go out in public?)

It's hard work to be a mommy at this stage--and it's hard work to be a good husband to a chronically sleep-deprived woman, too. Heck, my own mom couldn't really "get it" totally b/c she bottle fed all of us and bottle fed babies sleep longer intervals, and start doing it earlier, than breast-fed babies. She finally spent a few nights with me with my 2nd newborn and could not believe how much I had to get up to feed him. (And don't think bottle feeding is the answer, either, b/c you will not be able to do every-other night, and that's the ONLY way to make this get a lot better, faster, and you will either fall apart after a couple of nights of this, or be more horribly cranky than she already is, and she'll wake up anyway b/c that's what moms do and why should both of you be up? I always loved it when my husband said he couldn't get up b/c he had to go to work in the morning--when our kids were older but up with ear infections, etc--like, what, you think I'M going to sleep all day tomorrow, with a little kid at home? I have to get up and go to work too!! ) 

So, I hope this helps. Good luck.


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I totally agree with Sister359. I tell people all the time when I leave work that I am going home to my real job and work is where I get to relax. I mean really getting to go to the bathroom by myself is wonderful! I don't have to worry about the kids eating, playing, crying and everything else. Just do the 4 hours and honor your wifes wishes. Show her how much you care.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I don't get this at all -
I do remember thinking that 'he' doesn't get it...
and it's true - I'll be politcally incorrect and say mothering is different to fathering especially when you are breastfeeding - but I have always hated the let's balance the books method of relationships...
sure I stayed at home and spent more time with my kids than my H. Do I regret 1 minute of it? NO! Do I resent the fact he had more freedom - maybe - 
either way just don't get the punitive aspect of this -
as though caring for your children is a test, and a potential scoring card -
it's a privilige and however you do it best with help, alone is the best way to do it.....

better add I am crap at relationships my H left me last year! 

still don't get it though


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think your wife is making a sleep-deprived argument with you regarding your reasonable desire to squeeze in work-required errands during a time she is elsewhere. Plus, the kid get to see their grandparents!

You do not have to do exactly what she wants you to do when you are in charge of your kid.

The kid is yours too, not just hers.

I don't think you need to match her level of being alone childcaring just because that is how she does it.

Actually, I think she could learn a bit about leaning on others from you. Grandparents are an excellent resource.

That all said, I hope your wife gets more rest and you don't have so many work obligations.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think anyone "agrees" with the punitive aspect, but that isn't the point. He will help the relationship more by truly trying to understand--as much as he can--how incredibly difficult her job is. I would not trade a moment spent with my kids, but my husband's inability to understand and lack of effort to even try was not good for our marriage. If he just reacts negatively because she is "wrong" to "punish him," they will just stay trapped in this downward spiral. Her behavior is an indicator of how she's feeling. He can ignore her behavior and deal with the feeling in a positive way, their relationship will likely get stronger or at least not get worse.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Atholk - TERRIFIC advice - wonderful stuff!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Funny thing..

When I had my first child...I used to get jealous that my H could commute to work and listen to the radio!!!! All by himself


----------



## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

stevedaddy said:


> A mother is leaving her two children (one of which is still breastfed) for four hours on a saturday to pursue a hobby. Because she doesn't believe her Husband understands what it's like to take care of his own children without help, she committed him to stay home and not leave the house at all or associate with anyone who may provide some help watching the children. The husband has various responsibilities (work) requiring his attention on this particular weekend as well as parents who are always asking to see their grandchildren. The husband feels like it is a good idea to kill two birds with one stone by taking the children to his parent's house (allowing them to spend time together) while at the same time, tending to some of his work requirements. Upon informing his wife of his plan, she immediately accuses him of disregarding her wishes and demands emphatically that he stay home and learn what it is like to watch the kids. (Background: everyday after work the husband comes home and dutifully helps with the children without being asked. He regularly bathes, feeds, and puts the older child to bed with a book and a song, cleaning up the dishes afterward - he's not a slacker when he is at home). The young wife points out that the husband has never spent four straight hours alone with the newborn and needs this experience to appreciate what the wife has to deal with everyday. Husband plans on spending the majority of the time with the kids, but wants to provide them some time with the grandparents, allowing him to run some work related errands during this time. The proposed plan presented by the husband sparks an argument with the wife.
> 
> Who should back down?


sometimes even the most commited couples and most loving parents feel over worked , under paid , and under appreciated . for a marriage and family to be successful both of them have to put in equal amounts of work . what worker hasnt said the boss doesnt understand how much work i do and when i quit he will be overwhelmed . then the boss just hires a new employee and the worker finds out that he was doing his job . 
his wife felt like the worker so she quit to show him and he just hired a new worker so that he could do the part of his job that his wife didnt undrstand or appreciate . of course he helps out when he comes home from work . their his kids and his home . of course her job never ends because when the husband comes home he doesnt do her job . he only helps out . the main parts of what her job is she still does .

even though her reason is petty and and wrong , they are his kids too and last i checked you are supposed to watch your kids because you chose to have them and you are their parent . she needs , and deserves to have a hobby , and time for her to do what ever she wants to do , by herself or with friends , and so does he . his job is to provide financially . her job is raise their kids and take care of their home . they both are on the clock at the same time for the same amount of time . when he gets done work she gets done work too . at that point they have the same goal . their marriage, their family , and their home . when he goes out with the guys on thursday night she either can get a sitter or stay home with her kids . when she goes out with the girls on saturday afternoon he can either get a sitter , or stay home with his kids. and when they go out to dinner and a movie friday night . they both get a sitter and forget about their kids for 4 hours and remind each other that all the hard work they put into their family has a paycheck . its called romance , love , and sex . and after remembering why they love each other so much and why the hard work is worth it . the worse day quickly arrives . monday, back to the grind ....


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Do you usually allow your wife to treat you as a child and forbid you from doing this and that and planing your life? 

Do i get correctly that she stays at home while you slave away? That you help around the house when you get home? 

She doesn't feel appreciated? Does she appreciate what you do for both of them? This is like a tantrum. 

Or there is more to this than what you told us. Do you make nasty comments about her staying at home? Do you say that you wished you could stay home instead of going to work (she will be taking that as a sort of insult to the stuff she does)?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Guys this thread is 3 years old.


----------

