# When you think you are forever...



## starships (Aug 3, 2012)

Hi all. 

5 weeks ago my husband walked out on us and our marriage. We were 16 & 18 when we first met, we have been together 12 and a half years, we got married 16 months ago. 

I found out he had joined a dating site & confronted him about it. At first I was not getting anything out of him but then he said he had not had feelings for me for sometime and we had lost our connection. I only noticed the past week and a half before this that he was distant, but before that things seemed normal to me and we were still going out together, still going on date nights, still having weekends away. He seemed happy!

In 5 weeks it has gone from shock, to sadness, to nastiness and back again. At first it seemed like he was willing to try 'for my sake' and I gave him some space and stayed out of the home. I avoided contacting him during this week and waited for contact. A few days later he said he had no desire in saving our marriage and wanted to put efforts into finding himself. He has met a few people from dating sites and filling his time with other social events and seems to be having a fantastic time, all I hear is how happy he is without me. We have never had a huge circle of friends and it seems he has thrown himself into lots of social events in our city the past 5 weeks meeting many random people. He says he has done this because he wants people to talk to. I have asked him multiple times has he cheated, is he planning on cheating but I always get back no. He says he has met people & has made some very good friends. 

I am trying to be strong but right now at this moment I literally feel lost/empty/angry. I don't know how I will ever move on from this. I have no idea what it is like to be alone and to be fair, it is scaring me. My self esteem is rock bottom. I know people say you do move on, but how when I can't even concentrate on anything and this is the 5th week  ? This is the man I have been with from the age of 16 and I am 28 now. Our wedding day was everything I ever dreamed of, what our whole family had waited so long for, what we both planned, waited and put everything into. We had planned for children in the very near future. The panic and anxiety of looking ahead scares me. How does he move on and seem to be enjoying life so quickly? I have an appointment with a Councillor next week and hopefully will get something out of it. I have never coped with this type of anxiety or loss well.

I have seen a different side to my husband these past 5 weeks, he has been angry, selfish & abusive at some points. I don't want to go into details about that but it was a shock. He seems to resent me for a lot of difficulties in our lives right now (debt) but for him to walk out on us in this way makes me so so sad. He is not giving us a chance to sort things out or even get some outside help like counseling. Just like that its done, he wants me out so he can move on, eventually find someone else eventually and be happy.

I feel i fell into the trap of really believing that we would be forever. That every single problem we would get through. I suffered with depression the past 6 months, was not working and was not supporting my husband in our business as well as I should of been. He knew i was depressed but I did not seek help about it. The depression was caused due to money/business matters and I could see no way out and everyday seemed a hard slog. Changes definitely had to be made regarding this but we never had the conversation that unless we started making changes it was going to end our marriage  I am so frustrated that he will not put any effort into trying to save us. 

1 week ago I had a call from him telling me he really missed me. I met up with him for a talk and we ended up having sex. The next day he txt me to say although it was fantastic, and he felt 'something' I was told this was wrong, and would not be happening again, it was just sex! It set me back right to the first week emotionally. I felt used & can't believe i did this. I do crave him sexually more than I have done for a while and have told him so. 

I can't get my head around him walking out on us and saying everything is to late now, he is so much happier in his own company and without me. I have always thought we were honest about everything going on and I thought we were stronger than this.

I have now had a letter which says he wants to start divorce proceedings. 

I don't even know what I am doing writing this on here, but if I sit here much longer crying about it I feel I'm going to crack up. I can not imagine my future without him! I know people say in time it gets easier but I can't imagine it. I didn't even see it coming and to give up without fighting is killing me. I have stupidly bombarded him with txt messages since the second week. I know now this is the wrong thing to do. Even today I sent him messages and now reading them I look completely desperate! I just had this bad feeling there was somebody else. 

this is a great site, i am thankful to have somewhere to vent.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is a guy who doesn't want to be married. Never wanted to be married. What I'm wondering is how did you miss that about him?


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## starships (Aug 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This is a guy who doesn't want to be married. Never wanted to be married. What I'm wondering is how did you miss that about him?


He never gave that impression to me or our family and friends. We were very young when we met, spent time in education, he went to university, we set up our own business and over the years instead of saving for our perfect wedding we decided to spend money on our lives. He always said he couldn't wait to marry me. We were always very open about talking of marriage and how we always would. We saved for our wedding and spent the time planning it all together. He took me to Paris to propose. If it was true then why would he stand in church with me?  Even if it was true, i would like to think if he had any doubts at all he would never of asked me or went through with it. Even now looking at our dvd.. there is just no doubts showing, nor did there seem to be before or even after. These problems seem to have just happened in the past few months. 

He always seemed the guy who would tell me if we had problems on that kind of level. Last thing I ever wanted to do was to ever feel I had trapped him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stars, 

You just have to deal with the reality and stop asking all the whys. You will never get an answer except that he now feels like this.

The only thing you can do right now is to let him know that you do not agree with the divorce and would like to reconcile. Then you have to move on with your life.

So how do you move on with your life? Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That is how you need to interact with your husband from here on out. Have as little contact with him as possible. Do things that are good for you. Go to school if you need to get job skills. Make new friends. Visit your family.

If you suffer from depression go see a doctor and get the help you need with that.

This is all you can do... move on with your life.


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## starships (Aug 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Stars,
> 
> You just have to deal with the reality and stop asking all the whys. You will never get an answer except that he now feels like this.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I will take a look at the 180 link. I know what I have to do, it's just putting everything into place and feeling stronger that is the hardest. Hopefully in time I can return more positive. I have a very supportive family & friends around which is a massive help.


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## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

My now husband had a similar issue in his first marriage. When you start dating young, it's hard to separate the desire to GET MARRIED from BEING MARRIED. For years, you both were planning for the wedding (money for the wedding, great proposal) and your wedding was the end-all-be-all. Even men have dreams of what "that day" will be like. But now all of that is over. And now you're just married. It's a big letdown. The only exciting next milestone is children. (Don't do that while things are upside down). 

You asked why he would go to the church if he wasn't sure. I asked my husband the same thing. Do you seriously think he could just not show up? Or say the night before, "I don't want to get married" with thousands of dollars spent, and Uncle Louis and grandma in from out of town? Everyone would have just said, "it's nerves" and you would have married anyway. It does happen, but it takes a lot of balls. Especially if he does love you and wants to be with you. Chances are, the relationship would have been over if he'd back out of the wedding.

I think now it would be helpful to think of what marriage really is to both of you. If it was just being together forever, you could have done that without the wedding (lots of people do). 
Forget the hoopla, dig deep and find out what makes the marriage the most unique and hardest relationship in a person's life.


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

Dear starships,

I can feel you so much, it really hurts me to read your story. I am in a pretty similar situation (but different "getting there" ). Now you need to be very strong, I know that it is impossible to fight for someone who doesnt "allow to be fought for" and I also know that it seems impossible not to fight and just let go. Still, imho this is the only road for you out of a very destructing struggle, it might bring him back or not but it will be good for you anyways. try to detach!

be strong


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

married young.
he feels trapped.
you kind of slacked off or something from the way that sounded.
he had enough and walked.
now he is starting a new life more liberating or something.
he is probably elated and not feeling trapped.
But he misses you ie. he still loves you.
about it? what did i miss?

suggest a apology. the constant texting may not be a bad thing. He cant block you out that way and forget about you 
Instead of only two options which he has now
a. keep with a liberated life
or 
b. stay in a life with someone he is somehow had enough of and feels trapped or something.

perhaps you can offer c

go with him on his new liberated life, not be a hindrance. And you can both move on to a new cycle in your marriage.
wont happen without some apology and showing you are benefificial and not trapping him though. That you are part of the fun and WITH HIM rather than the other choice.
im not sure exactly what led to this? or what happend?
But it seems you may not have involved in your marriage and took it for granted or something? And now that he walked you have a big wake up call? Expecting him to jump to work it out, when you werent involved before isnt quite right either though?
But presenting yourself as WITH this new thing, instead of the other choice of trapped and whatever he is sick of might be your best bet? As it appears he is moving to something else, and if you want to go with him to this something else you really need to get on the wagon with him?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Starships, the same thing happened to me but we were married for almost 32years. Don't wonder about the past. He may have loved you very much as you believe, however that has no 
bearing on what is going on now. Circumstnces change, people change. I believe my husband leaving me for someone else was a direct result of the stress in our lives. If we had handled it better......if we had talked.....if, if, if.....

It makes no difference. Here we are. 

I went through (am still going through to varying degrees) the fear, the anxiety, the anger, the despair, the loneliness. It's going to take time. For me and for you. 

The 180 is good advice. Don't initiate any communication. If he contacts you, be friendly, but stay distant. And for God's sake, do not have sex.

Take care of you.


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## mykidsaremyworld (Jul 10, 2012)

I am going through the same situation as you right now. I know exactly the pain that you are feeling. I admit I have been acting irrational towards my husband, I have tried begging, crying, then when those emotions didn't trigger any reaction to him I became angry with him. All because I am hurt and I also do not see what my life would be like without him. I did slack off in my marriage and its sad that I didn't realize the damage that I was causing until it is too late.

On the flip side of things I know that my husband has done many things that were out of line. But yes he is living his own fun happy go lucky life right now. I know that if you are thinking like me that no matter how many times someone tells you to move on with your life you may feel panic inside as if it is impossible. Trust me I feel the same way, and I am also trying to work through those feelings. 

Basically don't view your life like you are moving on and forgetting about him. Go out and do something great for yourself, take some classes, join a gym, learn something new, like karate or kick boxing. Empower yourself, he will notice eventually, and it will take your mind off of things at least for a little while. Don't sit around watching him have a great time and let life pass you by. This is what I am trying now. Sorry my post is so long, but I understand, I am trying these things too, and I am here for you.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Starships, the same thing happened to me but we were married for almost 32years. Don't wonder about the past. He may have loved you very much as you believe, however that has no
> bearing on what is going on now. Circumstnces change, people change. I believe my husband leaving me for someone else was a direct result of the stress in our lives. If we had handled it better......if we had talked.....if, if, if.....
> 
> It makes no difference. Here we are.
> ...


i think she is trying to keep him not get rid of him.

no contact and not giving him sex he will be gonzo


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

bribrius said:


> i think she is trying to keep him not get rid of him.
> 
> no contact and not giving him sex he will be gonzo


Well, I admit I'm new to this, but that seems to be the advice of most people here. I do think that constantly texting or phoning him will be perceived as weak and needy, someone to avoid, especially if he wants a more interesting life.

I say be the best you can be and show him (don't tell him) what he is missing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> The 180 is good advice. *Don't initiate any communication*. If he contacts you, be friendly, but stay distant. And for God's sake, do not have sex.


Read the 180 in my signature below. There is nothing there that says "don't initiate any communication". It say no frequent....



Frostflower said:


> Well, I admit I'm new to this, but that seems to be the advice of most people here. I do think that constantly texting or phoning him will be perceived as weak and needy, someone to avoid, especially if he wants a more interesting life.
> 
> I say be the best you can be and show him (don't tell him) what he is missing.


That’s right, she needs to have enough contact with him to show him the changes in her. But she has to stop appearing needy and clingy. That is very unattractive.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Read the 180 in my signature below. There is nothing there that says "don't initiate any communication". It say no .....
> 
> My mistake. Sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frostflower said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Read the 180 in my signature below. There is nothing there that says "don't initiate any communication". It say no .....
> ...


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Frostflower said:
> 
> 
> > no need to appologize. A lot of people here advise everyone to "go dark" and "end all contact" as soon as any marital problem comes up. A good source for when to do the 180 (Plan A) and when to go dark (Plan B) are in the Plan A and Plan B in my signature block below. Another good source is "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.
> ...


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