# Should i be upset or am i overreacting



## Nena22002222 (9 mo ago)

Should I be insecure or mad? My husbands friend keeps sending him videos/pictures of nude women. And husband replies back with “nice” or other affirmative reaponses. Am I overreacting?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Would he be mad if you sent nude pictures/videos of yourself to random people?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Would he be mad if you sent nude pictures/videos of yourself to random people?


Not exactly apples to apples since I assume the guy is sending her husband nude pics of random models. It would be more like, would he like her girlfriend sending her nude pics of well hung studs?



Nena22002222 said:


> Should I be insecure or mad? My husbands friend keeps sending him videos/pictures of nude women. And husband replies back with “nice” or other affirmative reaponses. Am I overreacting?


You aren't over reacting. It is completely within your rights to not approve of it. You can be both insecure AND mad about it. That is your prerogative, and it is how you fell. If it really bothers you and you tell your husband, then he should ask his friend to stop sending him those pics.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You should let him know that it’s embarrassing to you as his wife to have a husband doing this. There’s no room for this in a marriage.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Nena22002222 said:


> Should I be insecure or mad? My husbands friend keeps sending him videos/pictures of nude women. And husband replies back with “nice” or other affirmative reaponses. Am I overreacting?


I would be mad. I have no problem admitting I'm insecure either. I"m also possessive. My husband is mine and I would not appreciate another man showing him naked women. He also doesn't watch porn.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

And asking him to stop before he causes a fight?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would also be mad. He needs to tell them to stop sending them. He also needs to find better friends.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not exactly apples to apples since I assume the guy is sending her husband nude pics of random models. It would be more like, would he like her girlfriend sending her nude pics of well hung studs?


I know I'm in the minority, but I disagree. You're using this to deflect from the fact that it's sexual by saying they're strangers. But if she sends her pics to strangers, it's the same thing. It's a double standard to say it's ok for him to have nude pictures of other women but it's not ok for her to give other men nude photos of her.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not to mention that this behavior is adolescent.

Certainly, not worthy of an adult, especially one who is married.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know I'm in the minority, but I disagree. You're using this to deflect from the fact that it's sexual by saying they're strangers. But if she sends her pics to strangers, it's the same thing. It's a double standard to say it's ok for him to have nude pictures of other women but it's not ok for her to give other men nude photos of her.


I get what you are saying and I think having nude pictures of anyone when your spouse doesn't approve is flat out wrong. And if you have zero tolerance then I can see there is no "scale". To me sending your pics to strangers is further up the scale from receiving pics of random people. And sending your pics to people you know is way up in the red zone, lol. My wife would never do this, but I would be way more upset with her sending pics out vs. having pics of male models. I think I would likely leave her over sending her pics out into the world. That nude body is for me alone.

No matter how you look at it, it is very childish behavior.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I don't think the OP should have to tolerate being treated disrespectfully and that is what this is.


----------



## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Your husband is too trusting.
The friend “don’t got much sense” either.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know I'm in the minority, but I disagree. You're using this to deflect from the fact that it's sexual by saying they're strangers. But if she sends her pics to strangers, it's the same thing. *It's a double standard to say it's ok for him to have nude pictures of other women but it's not ok for her to give other men nude photos of her.*


Such this, comparing the effect of that fly-swatter, to this sledge-hammer response.

_Never under estimate the wrath of a woman._

Um..


_The Typist-_


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know I'm in the minority, but I disagree. You're using this to deflect from the fact that it's sexual by saying they're strangers. But if she sends her pics to strangers, it's the same thing. It's a double standard to say it's ok for him to have nude pictures of other women but it's not ok for her to give other men nude photos of her.


If HE was sending nude pics of HIM to random pictures, then it would be as you say. Not him getting sent random nudes.

That being said, OP if your boundary is to NOT have him do this (and it clearly is -- I think MOST married folks of either sex would feel this way) -- then it is 100% wrong and he needs to stop. It has nothing to do with what HE thinks is ok. If he respects you, then he needs to respect your boundaries and stop this stuff. He just needs to tell his friends that he doesn't want to see that stuff anymore, period.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> If HE was sending nude pics of HIM to random pictures, then it would be as you say. Not him getting sent random nudes.


Agree to disagree. It's a double standard, but not really relevant to discuss unless the OP wants to. She asked if this was ok for him to do, your answer is yes, mine is no.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agree to disagree. It's a double standard, but not really relevant to discuss unless the OP wants to. She asked if this was ok for him to do, your answer is yes, mine is no.


You replied before I finished my thread (hit post too quickly!). It is not ok for him to do this at all since SHE has that as a boundary.

I was simply pointing out that sending nudes of oneself is quite different from getting random nudes (neither of which is acceptable to most married folks).


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You replied before I finished my thread (hit post too quickly!). It is not ok for him to do this at all since SHE has that as a boundary.


I see. That happens to me all the time, I'll type something out and hit post and realize I didn't finish my thought or when I re-read after it's posted it doesn't make sense...


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think the problem may be that you don’t want to have to “teach” a grown man how to be a good husband. You just want him to know. I feel that way, anyway and would be angry if this was happening in my marriage.

But your husband may need to be told. I’d say if he stops immediately after you ask him to stop, then he’s interested in doing the right things. If not...sigh. You might have a tough road ahead with your husband.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I wouldn't give it a second thought unless the pictures were of women your husband &/or the other guy knows. Then I would demand it stop. 

To the extent that you & your husband ever took racy pictures together, I would make D @ M N sure he knows never to share them with this buddy. You can't have that jerk forwarded your pictures to heaven knows who.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it just speaks to the lack of respect men who do this, have for women in general. If men don’t respect women in general, their wives will be no exception. Just how I see it, anyway.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If it bothers you, then ask him to ask his friends to stop doing this. That _may _not stop them, but it's not his fault if they continue. However, he should stop responding to those messages.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I see. That happens to me all the time, I'll type something out and hit post and realize I didn't finish my thought or when I re-read after it's posted it doesn't make sense...


This never hap


----------



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

If it’s to the point where it’s all the time it doesn’t pass the sniff test. It smells, they need to back off and do something productive.


----------



## Dillinger (12 mo ago)

If you're not cool with it, that's all that matters. My personal opinion (not cool with it) doesn't matter. Tell him.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Nena22002222 said:


> Should I be insecure or mad? My husbands friend keeps sending him videos/pictures of nude women. And husband replies back with “nice” or other affirmative reaponses. Am I overreacting?


Just how old is your husband because honestly it sounds so immature.....you would think the were swapping basecards


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Nena22002222 said:


> Should I be insecure or mad?


Do *you* feel "insecure or mad"?

Some people are more open about these types of things than others. One wife could say she doesn't care, it's just fantasy, not someone he is ever going to meet, while another wife could say her husband shouldn't look at any other woman's naked body but hers.

I would feel insecure and angry, but that's how I would feel -- I mean in regards to the WHOLE situation -- I wouldn't feel this way if he only looked at a picture of a random naked model. But if he replied back with “nice or other affirmative reaponses", as you said, that's what would make me feel insecure and angry.


Nena22002222 said:


> My husbands friend keeps sending him videos/pictures of nude women.


To me, the friend sounds immature and I would respond in kind and text him a raunchy pic of a porno dude. Just for fun. But, that's me and what I would do.


Nena22002222 said:


> And husband replies back with “nice” or other affirmative reaponses.


That would hurt me. Not to make excuses for him, but could he feel like he has to say something like that back to the friend? Nonetheless, I'd pull up the raunchy pic of porno dude on my phone, show it to hubby and say, "Nice!!!" I'd probably be extra and say a lot more, but that's just me.


Nena22002222 said:


> Am I overreacting?


Girl, don't second guess yourself. If you're feeling upset over this, then you have every right to feel upset. If it's not bothering you, then don't let anyone else's opinion influence you.

Just my opinion!
Edited to clarify.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think that is disrespectful to you and the marriage. Dude needs to grow up.


----------



## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

As a guy I’d me mad if it was my wife doing this. Although, he cannot control what is sent to him, he can control how he reacts to it. I have had a work friend do this to me and I put a stop to it. I also agree that you don’t have to get as mad if it’s random models like playboy models. I know this sounds like flip flopping but it is really how you feel about it and if you want it to stop then it needs to stop.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> I wouldn't give it a second thought unless the pictures were of women your husband &/or the other guy knows. Then I would demand it stop.
> 
> To the extent that you & your husband ever took racy pictures together, I would make D @ M N sure he knows never to share them with this buddy. You can't have that jerk forwarded your pictures to heaven knows who.


Why is it ok if they don't know the woman? It's still a naked lady regardless.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> If it bothers you, then ask him to ask his friends to stop doing this. That _may _not stop them, but it's not his fault if they continue. However, he should stop responding to those messages.


He should block them if they refuse to stop.


----------



## Ryko (9 mo ago)

I'll chime in cause I'm probably a bit younger than most from what I can tell, and can offer a different perspective!

Personally, I don't find this an issue in the slightest.

It's a common occurrence for group chats to share pictures of attractive people.
From where I come from it isn't even a "secret":
men gather together during the holidays and even the older generations get shown pictures of the young kids' "catches" and they happily comment on them in front of their wives which routinely make jokes on how immature they are or how pathetic they look drooling over a young girl. (all in good fun)
And more recently the same has been happening the opposite way around with the women discussing men and the husbands laughing about it.

Frankly being upset seems an enormous overreaction to me. It's just a picture, unless you are a very conservative religious person and are concerned for his afterlife, I struggle to see the potential damage.
Also, and this is my absolutely humble opinion, I sincerely doubt any husband doesn't watch at least some form of porn. Even if they don't they can just shut their eyes and use their imagination and achieve the exact same result 

Regarding whether sending out your own pictures is a comparison, I don't see how it is even remotely the same kind of thing.
Firstly OP mentions her husband RECEIVING which is a completely passive act.
Secondly she mentions him receiving from male friends, so most probably than not he receives pictures of an unknown party.
It would be different if a woman sent them her own pics, which would still arguably be different than him sending his.

How is this even similar to anyone sending out their own naked pictures to someone else?
Most people would assume that by sending out your hot pics you are at the very least trying to provoke or flirt with the recipient; I don't get how essentially being shown soft porn/erotic imagery is remotely the same.


----------



## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

I had pretty much the same situation. Except my husband was hiding from me that his friend was sending him the photos. And my husband was looking for and finding photos to send back. This I think led to an increase in his porn usage (and more lies) and a decrease in his desire for me.

IMO married men should not be looking at any naked women other than their wives. Any friends trying to encourage a married man to do so should be gotten rid of.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ryko said:


> I'll chime in cause I'm probably a bit younger than most from what I can tell, and can offer a different perspective!
> 
> Personally, I don't find this an issue in the slightest.
> 
> ...


Are these pictures shown around always of naked people? If so I hope the people's 'catches' are aware that their naked pictures are being shared around with lots of people when they were probably taken just for their partner. How disrespectful.
It's nothing to do with age. I know lots of young people who don't act that way and never would.
Plus you are wrong, lots of married men don't watch porn, many understand the damage that porn does.
It's not about age, it's about integrity and respect.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why is it ok if they don't know the woman? It's still a naked lady regardless.


If the pictures are of strangers who were PAID to get naked, then it's that person's bad choice so I have much less sympathy for her dignity. They chose to trade dignity for money or fame. 

Looking doesn't bug me. Humans are visual creatures. There is also not real danger that the looker is going to leave their SO for some professional model they don't know & will never meet. I agree it's crass but it's a pick your battle kind of thing to me & this is not a hill I want to die on. If somebody else feels strongly the other way, that person needs to express their views on porn & be with somebody who shares their views. Porn is a subject on which people rarely change their minds from being OK with it or liking it to stopping because their partner asked. All that happens is the viewing becomes hidden & then they lie about it. The lying is so much more wrong than the viewing IMO. Again this is why somebody who is anti- nude pictures needs to be with somebody who shares those views.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't be "mad", but I would ask my husband why is his friend sending him naked pictures of women and if he really likes it? Is it a passive thing and he can't be bothered to stop it? Then I will be able to make a judgement.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why is it ok if they don't know the woman? It's still a naked lady regardless.


IMO there is a HUGE difference between getting a nude pic of the "Playmate of the Day" or something like that vs a nude pic of Jane down the street. I have pretty much zero chance of running into the Playmate, but I'm very likely to see Jane while out for a walk. Anytime I see her I couldn't help but think of her with no clothes on. It would be even worse if it was someone you truly know vs an acquaintance. I know that is how my wife would see it too. She wouldn't be crazy about the Playmate, but she would probably just see it as rather stupid and immature (I agree BTW). Jane on the other hand would make her go ballistic, rightfully so. 

Likewise, getting pics of random paid nude models is COMPLETELY different than sending out your own pics to random people. If my wife got nude pics of studs out of Play Girl (does that even exist anymore?) I would think it was rather odd and out of character, but I wouldn't immediately freak out. She doesn't know them and those models chose to put their bodies out there, presumably with the approval of any SO. Now if she sent her nude pics to random guys or posted them online I would totally freak out and it would likely bring an end to our marriage. 

All that said, if your spouse isn't comfortable with you getting the randoms, then you should respect that and not do that either.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why is it ok if they don't know the woman? It's still a naked lady regardless.


It's not. It's a double standard. Saying "I don't know her" is an excuse to try to make the woman feel crazy for objecting. "Her body is for me alone" = "I'm allowed to fool around and she isn't." It's all part of the idea that cheating is different when men do it. Because "reasons."


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I know I'm in the minority, but I disagree. You're using this to deflect from the fact that it's sexual by saying they're strangers. But if she sends her pics to strangers, it's the same thing. It's a double standard to say it's ok for him to have nude pictures of other women but it's not ok for her to give other men nude photos of her.


A paid professional being paid to pose for provocative photos posted on the internet
is not the same/equivalent of one's wife/GF sending her provocative photos out for
others to see whether she knows them or not is not the same.

Same as if a husband would not want his wife to do nude love scenes in mainstream 
moves. So either he accepts this or he does not marry her and he just moves on.

Men according to your logic must keep their eyes closed all the time. So we do not see all
the hot women on magazine covers, tv, movies, and all the women we happen to pass
in everyday life.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's not. It's a double standard. Saying "I don't know her" is an excuse to try to make the woman feel crazy for objecting. "Her body is for me alone" = "I'm allowed to fool around and she isn't." It's all part of the idea that cheating is different when men do it. Because "reasons."


Seeing a provocative photo is not fooling around.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldtruck said:


> A paid professional being paid to pose for provocative photos posted on the internet
> is not the same/equivalent of one's wife/GF sending her provocative photos out for
> others to see whether she knows them or not is not the same.
> 
> ...


Nonsense. None of the women you list are naked.

It's a double standard. You're in the majority, most people think it's totally fine for men to do it and not for women. I realize people don't agree with me so I won't argue any more. It's a double standard, men get to define what "cheating" entails and women are expected to accept whatever they say.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldtruck said:


> Seeing a provocative photo is not fooling around.


So then it shouldn't be an issue if the woman does it. After all, it's not fooling around.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Nonsense. None of the women you list are naked.
> 
> It's a double standard. You're in the majority, most people think it's totally fine for men to do it and not for women. I realize people don't agree with me so I won't argue any more. It's a double standard, men get to define what "cheating" entails and women are expected to accept whatever they say.


You haven't ever seen a mainstream movie with naked women or naked men?

I don't understand this double standard thing. It is okay for men to look at naked pics of women if their SO is okay with it. It is okay for women to look at naked pics of men if their SO is okay with it. There is no double standard there. I have NEVER seen someone here say it is okay for me, the husband, to look at nude models, but it is not okay for my wife to look a nude models. That would be a double standard. Not once have I seen that.

I bet that the vast majority of men AND women here would have a drastically different reaction to finding a nude pic of a random model on their spouse's phone vs finding a naked pic of another parent from your kid's school. Regardless of the genders. I know I certainly would. The difference is night and day.

Also, this is not even remotely close to me or my wife sending out naked pics of ourselves. I'm truly baffled that you equate those. I can't figure out the logic behind it. Try it with your husband and see the difference in reaction. I bet he would shrug it off if you said you wanted to pick up a copy of Playgirl, but I suspect he would have quite a different opinion if you said you were going to pose for a shoot in Hustler or start you own OnlyFans site. Again, I know I would. If she wants to look at guys in Playgirl, meh, go ahead. But share her nude body with thousands of other people, are you kidding me?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You haven't ever seen a mainstream movie with naked women or naked men?


I can think of two with full nudity, and there were a lot of boobs in Game of Thrones. But it's not the norm.

I know very few people agree with me. For centuries, men have been the arbiters of what counts as "cheating." It's fine for them, but not for us, because there are totally different standards for what counts as cheating. Do what you want, I'm not trying to control you. It is what it is.

This needs to be my last post about this, because it's a threadjack. I don't want to cause trouble.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can think of two with full nudity, and there were a lot of boobs in Game of Thrones. But it's not the norm.
> 
> I know very few people agree with me. For centuries, men have been the arbiters of what counts as "cheating." It's fine for them, but not for us, because there are totally different standards for what counts as cheating. Do what you want, I'm not trying to control you. It is what it is.
> 
> This needs to be my last post about this, because it's a threadjack. I don't want to cause trouble.


Never seen 9 1/2 weeks, 50 Shades, Basic Instinct, Magic Mike, Showgirls, Wolf of Wall Street, and the list goes on especially when you include streaming services. I would say nudity in mainstream movies is the norm.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Never seen 9 1/2 weeks, 50 Shades, Basic Instinct, Magic Mike, Showgirls, Wolf of Wall Street, and the list goes on especially when you include streaming services. I would say nudity in mainstream movies is the norm.


There's very little full frontal male nudity in those. Female nudity, sure. I'm proud to say I've never seen any of the 50 shades movies. Wolf of Wall Street makes me sick to my stomach. The way women are portrayed in that movie is disgusting. I realize that's how men see women; it makes me physically sick that we are nothing but meat. Doesn't change my stance: it's ok for men to have sexual thoughts about other women, but for women to put themselves out so other men can have sexual thoughts about them is "cheating."


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

The part that would bother me is not so much if my husband looked at a random model's naked picture, but rather a response to the pic with something like "nice!" is what would bother me.

I mentioned somewhere in this forum that when I see a guy on tv with nice muscular arms, it appeals to me as it reminds me of my husband and if I saw a pic of a shirtless random guy, I might stare a second longer. Hey, I still have a pulse! Seeing pics of fully naked random men doesn't do it for me, but maybe it does for other women.

Just my 2 cents! Actually, 5 cents, LOL! (Canada stopped making the 1 cent coin.)


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There's very little full frontal male nudity in those. Female nudity, sure. I'm proud to say I've never seen any of the 50 shades movies. Wolf of Wall Street makes me sick to my stomach. The way women are portrayed in that movie is disgusting. I realize that's how men see women; it makes me physically sick that we are nothing but meat. Doesn't change my stance: it's ok for men to have sexual thoughts about other women, but for women to put themselves out so other men can have sexual thoughts about them is "cheating."


The part you are missing is it is also okay for women to have sexual thoughts about other men, just don't act on them, same as for men. As well as, women AND men putting themselves out there when their SO doesn't approve is a kind of cheating. It really is a two way street. You can't find anyone here that has said otherwise. 

I don't mean to argue with you, but you are fabricating this double standard.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The part you are missing is it is also okay for women to have sexual thoughts about other men, just don't act on them, same as for men. As well as, women AND men putting themselves out there when their SO doesn't approve is a kind of cheating. It really is a two way street. You can't find anyone here that has said otherwise.
> 
> I don't mean to argue with you, but you are fabricating this double standard.


Agree to disagree. The double standard has been in place for so long and is such an accepted part of life that no one wants to acknowledge it.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> The part that would bother me is not so much if my husband looked at a random model's naked picture, but rather a response to the pic with something like "nice!" is what would bother me.
> 
> I mentioned somewhere in this forum that when I see a guy on tv with nice muscular arms, it appeals to me as it reminds me of my husband and if I saw a pic of a shirtless random guy, I might stare a second longer. Hey, I still have a pulse! Seeing pics of fully naked random men doesn't do it for me, but maybe it does for other women.
> 
> Just my 2 cents! Actually, 5 cents, LOL! (Canada stopped making the 1 cent coin.)


I do think men tend to be more turned on by nude pics than women. Just seems to be how we are wired. 

No for you, would you see looking at a naked pic of a man be the same as your husband sending out naked pics of himself, or him looking at a naked women the same as you sending out your naked pics? Purely hypothetical.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agree to disagree. The double standard has been in place for so long and is such an accepted part of life that no one wants to acknowledge it.


There is a double standard about how men & women's sexual behavior gets viewed by a patriarchal society but I don't think that is what this thread is about. 


The issue is one partner of either sex receiving nude pictures of the opposite sex from a same sex friend. Here is a guy getting the nudes of women from his buddy but flip it around what if the wife was getting d!ck picks from her GF? 

My point & I think some other posters share it, is that my level of upset & objection would depend on who was naked in the pictures. Strangers who got naked on purpose for money would not cause me to bat an eye other than maybe to roll my eyes at my partner in an "oh are will still in high school?" way but if the friend was sending my partner nudes of someone they both knew or could bump into in the area, that would cause me to go nuts & shut this down hard immediately. The gender of the nude model or the recipient doesn't change my view


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I do think men tend to be more turned on by nude pics than women. Just seems to be how we are wired.
> 
> No for you, would you see looking at a naked pic of a man be the same as your husband sending out naked pics of himself, or him looking at a naked women the same as you sending out your naked pics? Purely hypothetical.


No way. If either one of us sent out naked pics like that, I think it would be quite normal to assume there's a problem. And just looking at random naked pics, I wouldn't give it a second thought. To me, just looking is not a big deal.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

I hate to use the phrase, "boys will be boys", but in this particular instance, of guys only looking at random naked pics of women, I kinda have to say it might just be a case of boys will be boys. HOWEVER, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and women can of course do the same!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> There is a double standard about how men & women's sexual behavior gets viewed by a patriarchal society but I don't think that is what this thread is about.
> 
> 
> The issue is one partner of either sex receiving nude pictures of the opposite sex from a same sex friend. Here is a guy getting the nudes of women from his buddy but flip it around what if the wife was getting d!ck picks from her GF?
> ...


That is exactly the point I was making.

Getting nude pics of some celeb or hot young model, male or female, is rather sophomoric, but not a show stopper. If your spouse doesn't approve you should stop, but finding out about it before you've discussed that boundary shouldn't be a marriage ending event. On the other hand, Finding a nude pic of the local bartender, parent from school or next door neighbor is likely to end the marriage or at least cause a real come to Jesus moment. One has a high likelihood to escalate into affair territory, the other will not. This is all regardless of the genders involved.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I hate to use the phrase, "boys will be boys", but in this particular instance, of guys only looking at random naked pics of women, I kinda have to say it might just be a case of boys will be boys. *HOWEVER, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and women can of course do the same!*


Absolutely! Unless, of course, their spouse doesn't approve. In which case they should respect that and stop the behavior. The OP is not wrong for not approving of him getting those pics and especially him commenting on them.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

"Boys will be boys." Says it all.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


TexasMom1216 said:


> "Boys will be boys." Says it all.


I hated using that phrase because it's often used to excuse much worse behavior than looking at naked pics of female models.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I hated using that phrase because it's often used to excuse much worse behavior than looking at naked pics of female models.


It's used to excuse all cheating. Of all kinds. And to allow men to define what is cheating in the relationship. We are expected to accept cheating because men can't help themselves, but very stringent rules are set for women by men about what constitutes cheating.


----------



## Nena22002222 (9 mo ago)

Melinda82 said:


> I had pretty much the same situation. Except my husband was hiding from me that his friend was sending him the photos. And my husband was looking for and finding photos to send back. This I think led to an increase in his porn usage (and more lies) and a decrease in his desire for me.
> 
> IMO married men should not be looking at any naked women other than their wives. Any friends trying to encourage a married man to do so should be gotten rid of.


This is exactly what happened. I caught him doing this. And hiding or deleteing the pictures. When i comfronted him about it he laughed it off as if its no big deal


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Nena22002222 said:


> This is exactly what happened. I caught him doing this. And hiding or deleteing the pictures. When i comfronted him about it he laughed it off as if its no big deal


That's definitely not cool. He's is doing something he knows you don't approve of and is lying/hiding it. Sadly he will probably just be more careful about hiding it from you. Have you explained to him how you feel without freaking out about it?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> If the pictures are of strangers who were PAID to get naked, then it's that person's bad choice so I have much less sympathy for her dignity. They chose to trade dignity for money or fame.
> 
> Looking doesn't bug me. Humans are visual creatures. There is also not real danger that the looker is going to leave their SO for some professional model they don't know & will never meet. I agree it's crass but it's a pick your battle kind of thing to me & this is not a hill I want to die on. If somebody else feels strongly the other way, that person needs to express their views on porn & be with somebody who shares their views. Porn is a subject on which people rarely change their minds from being OK with it or liking it to stopping because their partner asked. All that happens is the viewing becomes hidden & then they lie about it. The lying is so much more wrong than the viewing IMO. Again this is why somebody who is anti- nude pictures needs to be with somebody who shares those views.


Just because someone has such a low opinion of themselves that they do that for money surely doesn't mean we should use them for laughs or tittilation?
I agree that a couple needs to have similar views on this stuff.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Never seen 9 1/2 weeks, 50 Shades, Basic Instinct, Magic Mike, Showgirls, Wolf of Wall Street, and the list goes on especially when you include streaming services. I would say nudity in mainstream movies is the norm.


It doesn't have to be if you are choosy about what you watch. We dont watch many films as we are very selective and do go and see some really good ones. We are shortly going to see Operation Mincemeat. Plus I am going to see Downton Abbey with a female family member.


----------



## Ryko (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Are these pictures shown around always of naked people? If so I hope the people's 'catches' are aware that their naked pictures are being shared around with lots of people when they were probably taken just for their partner. How disrespectful.
> It's nothing to do with age. I know lots of young people who don't act that way and never would.
> Plus you are wrong, lots of married men don't watch porn, many understand the damage that porn does.
> It's not about age, it's about integrity and respect.


I don't mean to be rude Diana but I think you're being very disingenuous on both points.
I sincerely doubt that men that don't watch some form of porn are statistically relevant. You can research the IFS' study on porn usage and results seem to show that circa 95% of men make use of some form of pornography throughout their live with the number going as high as 99% if you exclude religious groups & statistical outliers that have particular motives to avoid the use or to lie on the surveys.
It's public info, you can look it up.
(more anedoctally speaking I have never met a man that hasn't ever made use of porn)

By this I do not mean that there are no men that don't, surely there are; I'm just saying that they're a very severe anomaly and would be reasonable to assume that a man that says he doesn't to his wife is potentially lying to appease his partner. I know several older gentlemen that do this.
(it also begs the question on what you define as porn. if you are only referring to hardcore videos then maybe you might be somewhat right, but if you include suggestive imagery such as softcore or partial nudity then i'm afraid you're being naive. If a person is masturbating he can go to the bathroom with a random magazine and find tons of stimulating imagery that works just the same as porn or these days he can just go on google or any social network and find tons)

Regarding the catches, again, it's not going to be hardcore imagery (at least in my family, although I know for a fact that some more chauvinistic extractions would easily do so) but is it really that relevant if a girl is wearing a skimpy bikini with a surface of 1 square cm that she posted on her social media? How is it substantially different from a softcore shot with partial nudity? It's still suggestive and would still be easily used by men for sexual arousal.

Anyhow I don't think it's an age thing, my point was societal. Once upon a time porn and sexualization were severely frowned upon and now they aren't anymore so to me it would be completely ok if my partner's friends were sharing pictures of other men.

I've dated A LOT of women, hundreds, spanning from teenagers to women in their 40s and they all did to some degree, to be honest; it never upset me. I know some of my friends from more conservative backgrounds would, but it is a rare occurrence.
This is of course limited to my specific background. (larger international cities and definitely more relaxed environments in terms of sexuality)


----------



## Melinda82 (10 mo ago)

Nena22002222 said:


> This is exactly what happened. I caught him doing this. And hiding or deleteing the pictures. When i comfronted him about it he laughed it off as if its no big deal


Let him know it is a big deal to you! Tell him how you feel when you see those photos and his responses. You can't control whether or not he continues doing this behind your back. But you can make sure he knows exactly how upset you're going to be if you ever find out he's doing it again. If he really cares, he should dump the friend. 

My husband rarely texts that friend anymore. I'm glad. He was a bad influence.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ryko said:


> I don't mean to be rude Diana but I think you're being very disingenuous on both points.
> I sincerely doubt that men that don't watch some form of porn are statistically relevant. You can research the IFS' study on porn usage and results seem to show that circa 95% of men make use of some form of pornography throughout their live with the number going as high as 99% if you exclude religious groups & statistical outliers that have particular motives to avoid the use or to lie on the surveys.
> It's public info, you can look it up.
> (more anedoctally speaking I have never met a man that hasn't ever made use of porn)
> ...


I am a lot older than you with a lot more different types of life experiences. I appreciate that the majority of men watch porn but there are also a lot of decent guys who go against the flow and don't. 
There are also many many more women who don't. 
Yes maybe it's more about those you mix with. It's harder to go against the flow if you are among a very small number but I SO respect those who still do.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Nah, I wouldn't be cool with it... and it would make me question the type of friends my husband was choosing to surround himself with. In other words, it'd chip at the respect I'd have for him.


----------



## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agree to disagree. It's a double standard, but not really relevant to discuss unless the OP wants to. She asked if this was ok for him to do, your answer is yes, mine is no.


It's not a double standard. YOUR take on this is the double standard. No one is seeing him nude, or her nude, no one in the marriage is being seen nude. No interaction with the nude party. No risk. Totally different. Just because you feel restricted by not being able to show other men yourself naked/or get the attention of other men does not make these 2 VERY DIFFERENT scenarios the same thing.
It does however reveal your issues. Personally this would be a huge red flag and a dealbreaker to me.
"Oh honey I saw you looked at a playboy online, so I sent the neighbour pics of my a**hole"


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Okay, I can sort of wrap my mind around what is meant by calling it a double standard. I will try to explain and hopefully I explain it in a way that's clear to understand.

So, we basically understand a double standard to mean a rule that's unfairly applied to one person or group, right? Example: As teenagers, my parents allowed my brothers to stay out late at night because they're male children but not me because I'm their female child.

So, that's a clear example of a double standard. It also deals with just one issue, my brothers basically having no curfew and I had to be home before dark.

But, what if we don't look at a double standard as simply just one issue, we don't view it as a tit-for-tat?

But, instead we broaden the double standard to a whole subject or category? Can we call it a double standard then?

The husband looks at naked pics of women. What category would such behavior belong in? Engaging in sexual behavior? If his action of looking at naked women is considered engaging in sexual behavior, what other aspects would you consider to be sexual behavior? There are many, right?

Put another way, let's say you had to write an essay on the subject of sexual behavior and had to list examples of it, what would you say?

With the above in mind, I think the wife sending out her own naked picture would be one aspect of sexual behavior.

So, if we look at just the ONE action of the husband, it may not appear to be a double standard. However, if we broaden our line of thought and view it as engaging in sexual behavior as a whole, well, it does appear to be a double standard then, doesn't it?

Although the double standard mentioned in this thread may not be clearly apparent at first thought, I think with a little deeper thinking, it can make sense.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So then it shouldn't be an issue if the woman does it. After all, it's not fooling around.


You are talking about SEEING a provocative picture -- NOT HER sending one.
The equivalent to what her husband is doing is HER seeing some rando nude guy from the web. This is NOT a person in a marriage SENDING nudes of themselves to others, which is what you are trying to say here.

IF it is OK for him, then it is OK for her. If it is NOT ok because of her boundaries in the marriage, then HE NEEDS to stop.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Okay, I can sort of wrap my mind around what is meant by calling it a double standard. I will try to explain and hopefully I explain it in a way that's clear to understand.
> 
> So, we basically understand a double standard to mean a rule that's unfairly applied to one person or group, right? Example: As teenagers, my parents allowed my brothers to stay out late at night because they're male children but not me because I'm their female child.
> 
> ...


That makes absolute sense and in that broad of a context I can see how that could be looked at as a double standard. The problem with making it so broad is that you lose the fact that not everything is equal once you start getting more specific. If you go that broad then watching one of those movies I mentioned would be given equivalency to sending your own pics out to people, and it is not. I mean if you take it to the extreme you could say, well he is looking at a naked models (sexual behavior), so I should be able to go screw the whole football team (sexual behavior) otherwise a double standard is being applied. Obviously that is nonsense. Although I can see how it could be twisted like that to create the appearance of a double standard, in real life it is not a double standard because you have to take into account the specifics.


ETA: I think this could be the mentality some cheaters use to justify their actions. They were justified in that ONS because I saw him looking at a centerfold the other day. They usually aren't that extreme, but they will try any way they can to shift blame.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It seems like there’s this idea out there that wives need to be more tolerant than husbands about what is clearly absurdly disrespectful/low class behavior. Being married doesn’t mean you stop thinking others of the opposite sex are attractive, but you don’t disrespect your spouse by putting yourself in situations that degrade your partner or bring down the marriage. It’s not that complicated - respect your spouse and all will be good.

I feel there are just too many excuses made for husbands behaving like guys at a frat party. I’m not a prude but if my husband wants to invest time in porn, strip clubs, nude pics of other women...I won’t stop him, but I don’t need to be with a guy like that.🤷‍♀️


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That makes absolute sense and in that broad of a context I can see how that could be looked at as a double standard. The problem with making it so broad is that you lose the fact that not everything is equal once you start getting more specific. If you go that broad then watching one of those movies I mentioned would be given equivalency to sending your own pics out to people, and it is not. I mean if you take it to the extreme you could say, well he is looking at a naked models (sexual behavior), so I should be able to go screw the whole football team (sexual behavior) otherwise a double standard is being applied. Obviously that is nonsense. Although I can see how it could be twisted like that to create the appearance of a double standard, in real life it is not a double standard because you have to take into account the specifics.
> 
> 
> ETA: I think this could be the mentality some cheaters use to justify their actions. They were justified in that ONS because I saw him looking at a centerfold the other day. They usually aren't that extreme, but they will try any way they can to shift blame.


You make good points and I agree. In my previous post, I was trying to illustrate how it could make sense "on paper". I agree that in reality, it would unfairly lump it all together. Also, the cheaters point you make, I never thought about that, good point!


----------



## Housecat (Nov 27, 2021)

I think it may be more like trying to put it on an equal level emotionally. To many women, a husband viewing and enjoying images of other women naked hurts, feels disrespectful, feels Iike a betrayal. Many women want their spouse to only view them in a sexual context, only be interested in looking at their body as something that arouses them. 

Most men are far less bothered by their wives getting their jollies looking at other men. To provoke a similar emotional reaction, it goes to the wife sharing provocative photos of herself with other people. Its absolutely tit for tat, as well as a double standard, if viewed from an emotional standpoint. 

I view it as similar to comparing porn usage in men with women utilizing romance novels. 

Either way, it seems like an unhealthy way to communicate and solve a problem.

OP, if you feel that way it isn't wrong. If he was hiding it from you, then he knew it would make you feel that way and he knew it was wrong to do. If you speak to him about it, be calm and clear about how you feel. If he cares for your feelings, he will listen.


----------



## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

My husband and his 3 mates do this daily on Watsapp and I’ve said would he like it if my friends sent naked smutty photos of men he said no
But he carries on

I gave up caring tbh life’s too short and men are children

so what’s good for the goose ….

do it with your mates with naked men


----------



## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I would be mad. I have no problem admitting I'm insecure either. I"m also possessive. My husband is mine and I would not appreciate another man showing him naked women. He also doesn't watch porn.


 He 100% watches porn your not next ti him 24/7 I’d say most men watch porn my husband claims he doesn’t that’s rubbish I grew wise to men a decade ago


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lawcher62 said:


> My husband and his 3 mates do this daily on Watsapp and I’ve said would he like it if my friends sent naked smutty photos of men he said no
> But he carries on
> 
> I gave up caring tbh life’s too short and men are children
> ...


So start sending those pics with your friends.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

The issue for me would be less about the viewing of random women, and rather that I'd expect more in terms of interaction and behavior with friends/peers. Different if it happened to relate to a meme every now and then, but otherwise I'd be thinking grow the funk up. And that's coming from someone who indulges in goofy behavior.


----------



## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So start sending those pics with your friends.


Lol I’m an adult I don’t need to be a teen again


----------

