# The little things that hurt



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

How do people cope with finding out things to do with the A, or the lead up to it, that are hurtful, maybe not something outrightly betraying but something you find out that still hurts?

I was talking with H last night. We were discussing something we'd spoken about at counseling, which was what happened at the start and how I would like him to act differently if he could go back and change it.

He told me that two of his co-workers met the OW on a project they were all working on, and thought she was hot. It became apparent that she didn't like them though, she liked H. He toldme that for a while, the kind of guy talk they had at work involved them joking about the OW, about how she wasfit, she was hot etc, and H would chime in teasing them about she didn't want them, she wanted him.

It might seem like a small thing, but he hasn't mentioned it before and I feel quite upset by it. I feel reallydisrespected that he would talk like that. It fits in with his reasoning that the A was basically a huge boost to his ego, but I look at him and think that's so not the H that I know, that arrogance, that boastfulness. I know what he's like when he's with guy friends but he's always been so proud of us, he's told me his friends call me very complimentary things.

I know looking at it, him behavinglike that really has nothing to do with me directly but it still hurts. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it is right now.

How do people "filter" things like this? I'm trying to think, it doesn't change things, it doesn'tmatter in the scheme of things, but it is bothering me.


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I had a trigger last night.. my kids came up to me and my daughters friend was with her, her friend said, "M you are much prettier than J (OW)." I said, "where did you see her?" and she proceeded to tell me that the OW goes to watch him play softball when he has my kids. 

For some reason this just made me freak out, even though we are going through a divorce, and its basically over. It doesn't feel like its ever going to stop hurting.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

The little things don't just hurt, they can eat at you and cause you to obsess if you let them. At first, I felt like I couldn't control it. As time passed, and my H and I made more and more good memories, it started to become easier for me. 

Nowadays, the negative thoughts are pretty infrequent and I sleep through the night most of the time. When the past starts to bring me down, I remind myself that things are good now and we've both made lots of positive changes in our lives. That's what matters. Try to stay in the here and now. It takes effort, especially in the beginning, but it gets better with time. ( if your marriage is truly recovering and the infidelity is no longer happening)

Once, someone on here posted about picturing yourself physically putting the negative thoughts and memories in a box and locking it. That's helped me countless times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

Its funny how the little things dig at me more than the big stuff. Everyday I pull out of my office and drive up to the intersection by my office. If I miss the light for the left turn, I get to sit there for 2 minutes and stare at place where my W had her affair. The OM picked a spot 2 minutes from my office to have the physical in counter with W because it was close to where he worked. Which BTW is 2 blocks from my office and the only route I can drive to get home. So everyday I get to drive past the park where it happened and park my car about 100 yards from where the OM works. 

I sometimes gun it so I don't hit the light. I wish there was another way to drive but with road construction, I have only one way to go. So 3 times a day I get to be reminded of what happened. (Goto work, Lunch, and going home, 5 days a week)

Sitting at that light is my daily reminder of the $hitty parts of my life. That is the little thing that hurts.


----------



## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

my son's father is still friends with the OW so my son talks about her from time to time. It has been almost 9 years since the man slept with this woman and it still hurts me when my son says her name. 

I have no feelings for his father but it still hurts. I make it stop hurting by reminding myself of how miserable I'd be if I were still with that man. I remind myself of how far I've come since that awful time.

I don't know when it will stop giving me that little stab of pain.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

My most ruthless triggers are not avoidable.

My W's OM was my _friend_ and he is in the military... Do you have any f*cking idea how many triggers I Hit with the military thing? Pfffffffft. Everyone is ExMilitary it seems and as illogical as it is for my brain to associate it, they have all betrayed me deeply. You have any idea how many commericials/billboard/veterans's days/and general mititary references there are out there?!? - I do.

The other is the text/phone thing... Every person talking on a phone or texting is stabbing me in the heart indirectly because in my twisted melon they all must be cheating/thinking of cheating or betraying someone else... Do you have any idea how many people there are on phone's? any idea how many people talking on phones in traffic everyday?!? - I do.

Awful what this does to the hardwiring in your head.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

WOW.....what I am reading in comfortaing to know that I'm not in this alone and it's not all in my head but it also makes my soul ach because I fear that pain will be with me forever.

My little things are and I know its shallow but what was he thinking. This woman is not very attractive (well at least to me). She's big, missing a few teeth, drinks HEAVILY, does drugs sometimes(sometimes...yeah right). She has a few kids by different men. I am nothing and I mean nothing like that. Yet he manage to get it up to have sex with this woman (and I use the term loosely).

Because she was loud in bed like some porn star. This is just a few of the things I have to feel like I have to compete with.

And I was hoping and praying to one day never have those thoughts again and there still on my mind daily 3yrs and 3mnths later.


----------



## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> My most ruthless triggers are not avoidable.
> 
> My W's OM was my _friend_ and he is in the military... Do you have any f*cking idea how many triggers I Hit with the military thing? Pfffffffft. Everyone is ExMilitary it seems and as illogical as it is for my brain to associate it, they have all betrayed me deeply. You have any idea how many commericials/billboard/veterans's days/and general mititary references there are out there?!? - I do.
> 
> ...


I do that ALOT!! Ppl getting married. I'd think why he's just going to cheat. When he is on the phone even if he is in front of my I feel there is something else to it. If he is sitting and thinking I think it's about her ( s***y thing is sometimes it is). When we have sex I even feel that he maybe thinking of her or something she may have done better or did something I wouldn't do. Crazy thing is I have asked about the things she has done and he told me while he didn't mind her doing the things she did even the drinking and drugs he doesn't want me to do those things she does in bed. And the drinking and drug thing he said it didn't bother him because she's not his wife. I told him that wasn't right. To have sex with this woman tell her you love her and feel that way.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Stupid things trigger so I remove the things!. 
I have insisted on NC. 
I won't enter her new house. 
I won't engage in relationship talk
I won't talk to her at all if I can arrange it. Email is a marvelous thing.

Music was a big trigger. Some songs reduced me to a Dday mess.I simply listened to them until the power was gone. 

The guy she is with is quite a lot older then me and talks in management speak. I hear it coming out of her mouth.. 
She wants to "manage our relationship"
I tell her to fcuk off.
So if anyone says.. "mission statement" I'm stuffed


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

- Seeing where he's spending money from the joint checking account (which I'm the only one making regular deposits into), and wondering what it's for, if it has to do with OW, etc...

- Not being contacted by any of his family, to whom he has presented this as a mutual decision. God forbid they know the truth about the golden boy.

- Finding out little lies he told that I didn't even know about: that he was going out more often than I knew and lying about where he'd been. I knew about three lies, then at MC I found out there were probably dozens I hadn't known about.

- Facebook. That's hard. He's not even posting on it for the last week and a half, and that's almost worse, because my imagination runs away with me. I need an intervention.

- Having the responsibility of telling all of our friends. He left 2 and a half weeks ago, and every time some mutual friends contact me about all of us getting together (which, now that it's getting to be summer, will only be more frequent), I have to figure out what I should tell them, what excuse to give. From what's happening, it would appear he's just not responding to people if they contact him.

Those are the "little" things that hurt me the most.


----------

