# Is it bad enough to divorce over?



## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating. 

She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website. 

I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds like it's reached the stage that some intensive mutual MC might be in order!*


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi, 

firstly who are you to be so judgemental...you betrayed the trust first and because of that most likely made your wife feel hugely insecure, hence seeking validation from another male to give her an ego boost.

I don't think it's the right way to resolve what you had did to her, but I can understand why she did it.

And secondly, you signed up to a dating website as "operations were slow" that is no excuse, haven't you heard of Netflix or Xbox, do that with your spare time, instead of creeping on other women's profiles.

I don't think it would be responsible of you to try and seek revenge for her email correspondence as it would just be a vicious cycle and will only make matters much worse.

If you love your wife then try to see what she did was a direct result of your behaviour. Try to talk things through with each other and if you both decide the marriage is worth saving then seek some relationship counselling and try and move forward and forgive one another.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating.
> 
> She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.
> 
> I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?


Just don't have kids until you are sure you can trust her.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Are you still working offshore?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Just don't have kids until you are sure you can trust her.


And she him!

Call us old fashioned, but when my husband is away for work and things are slow he reads the news on the internet, plays games on his phone or skypes me. He doesn't sign up to dating sites!

Mind you, I don't send nude photos of myself to ex's either.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust. 

Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too. 

Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. Your marriage is salvageable if you both start being totally honest with each other about everything with the understanding that you both are working towards trust and a stronger marriage.

Counseling might be in order and /or marriage help books you read together.

Before this discovery, how satisfied were you and her in your relationship?

Have either of you had any other breaches of trust since the dating sight and the nude pictures?

Why did she keep the pictures?

Has she kept in touch with the other man?

Did she send nude pictures to him?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JJKKDM said:


> After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust.
> 
> Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too.
> 
> Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.


This sheds a different light on it and I would be extremely reluctant to continue a relationship with such a hypocrite.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

frusdil said:


> And she him!
> 
> Call us old fashioned, but when my husband is away for work and things are slow he reads the news on the internet, plays games on his phone or skypes me. He doesn't sign up to dating sites!
> 
> Mind you, I don't send nude photos of myself to ex's either.


If I was talking to her I would say exactly what you said. Both of them need to grow up, and learn to talk about their problems.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> After she discovered the dating profile, things went downhill from there. I tried to reassure her that nothing was meant by this gesture and it was simply an extremely immature and poor choice (I had never seen how a dating website worked). For 4 years after I did this she constantly controlled everything I did, who I hung out with, phone, internet, email and monitored my whereabouts. I accepted this as part of the repercussions for betraying her trust.
> 
> Throughout these years she has portrayed her self to be the perfect spouse who has unconditional love for me and is completely transparent in her actions. The only thing she asks of me is honesty. I tried my hardest for 4 years to be the man she wanted me to be but it never seemed to be enough. Its only when I asked for her email passwords, phone and text messages that I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else, talking about her exes sexual performance to her friends and most recently finding the semi nude photos of the guy she reached out too.
> 
> Its only when I dug up her past and started to ask friends about her past that I find out she has lied about a lot of things. How could she have treated me like I was the terrible person who betrayed her trust for 4 years when she was being untruthful and deceitful herself? Just makes me think that she's still doing things behind my back and it causes her to think I'm doing those things to her also, even though I'm not. How can someone be so hypocritical? When I confront her about it, she doesnt take responsibility for the way it makes me feel. Always has some answer to justify what she did.


Nope get out. You probably are young. Maybe you poisoned the well, but it doesn't sound like it is possible or worth the effort to fix it. She sounds shady. Assuming you are young and can move on to someone else.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> I dated my wife for 6 years and have been married to her for 1. Recently I found out that she had messaged an acquaintance of hers 2 1/2 years into our relationship. I'm not exactly sure what the messages said but I found out by discovering semi-nude photos of this man on her email account. They were sent 4 years ago while we were living together and dating.
> 
> She has explained to me that the reason she did this was because of a bad fight her and I got into along with me betraying her trust by signing onto a dating website while offshore working. I assured her that the dating website was simply used by me and another guy for 3 days for entertainment while operations were slow. I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.
> 
> I've had this perception of my wife as this extremely loyal but jealous person for 7 years now. Now that I've found out she's capable of being emotionally unfaithful, my perception of her has changed. The thing I valued most in a spouse, loyalty, is now gone. I know its sound hypocritical of me since I betrayed her trust first, but is there a way I can get past this?


You don't have enough information. Your behavior does NOT mitigate any of her actions. She could very well open a thread complaining of your behavior and wonder if it is reason enough for divorce. My answer would be the same. There is a lot more "disclosure" that you and her both need to go through along with working on the basic relationship principles


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Well, the relationship has a lot of issues of dishonesty and betrayal.

IF you stay in the relationship, you need full disclosure from her (I am assume you have to her, already).
Maybe you BOTH should do a polygraph, to clear the air.

If you just rug-sweep, however, the relationship is, in my opinion, mortally wounded.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

Already have two children with her. 18 month and 5 month


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This parallels some things in my recent marriage. I was friends with a some ex-GFs and a friend who was never an ex, but we hung out because she went to hs with me, lived near where I was staying st the time and had a kid around my kids age. Everything was strictly platonic and I have never ever given anyone I have ever been with reason to doubt me. She didn't like me being friends with this woman or my exs on facebook. Her defense was always, what if it were me, how would you feel. I couldn't argue that because despite her not being me, I guess it would make me feel insecure. Interestingly enough, down the road I had found out about sexting some dude and whatnot. Now, this was years later, but maybe **** happened earlier I missed? It's usually the ones who want to lock you down so that they know you are always on defense. People who are always on defense never think about going on offense, cause if she is so hard core watching me, clearly she wouldn't do anything.

That being said, anytime someone asks if "this" is dovorcable, it makes me think they are looking for an excuse to leave. You know how you feel and you know the doubt you have in your heart. Maybe MC works? Maybe not. The only thing that matters is you being true to yourself and ask yourself, "Given enough information and reassurance, will I ever trust her again?" If the answer is yes, then go MC and see if she can fulfill it. If the answer is no, then you know you are doomed and the longer you try to make it work, the more frustrating You'll feel nd the more anxiety you both will have.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

That doesn't answer the question, can you get over this? Meaning, is there anything that can satisfy your angst? If not, and you fear you'll never stop looking over your shoulder, then either you need to go into IC or you gotta walk. 

Does she know you are questions the very essence of your relationship?


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

I asked her why she kept the pictures of him and at first she said that it was like a back up plan in case our relationship ended. Verbatim she said "so I could send the pictures back to him and say, hey remember when you sent me these". I inquired about it yet again a few days later and she used the explanation that it was 4 years ago so she doesn't remember why she kept them. I told her I thought it was because she was sexually arroused by them and wanted them for some kind of keep sake or trophy. She swears up and down that wasnt the reason and nothing physical happened with this guy because he lived in Alaska at the time.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

After finding the photos I asked her to disclose everything she's ever done behind my back. She confessed to dating more guys at the beginning of our relationship that she had originally stated (the guy in the photo being one of those she chose not to disclose from the beggining). This really didn't bother me that much because I had dated around when we first met too. Neither one of us were being exclusive. I had issues with the establishment she worked at so chose to break off the communication. But like always something made me go back to her (the sex was very satisfying) so we started talking again. Once she quit her job she moved in with me and from that point on we were exclusive. So will anything ever truly make me forget about what she did that far into our relationship, probably not but I couldn't bare to look my kids in the eye and tell them I broke up our family because I found some pictures in you mothers email 3 years before we married.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You have a lot of doubts and uncertainties, like her staying at another man's house. Get her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, then you'll have your answer.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If your marriage is currently good why were you looking for trouble? How about if she said you were gone working and she was bored so one night her and a girlfriend played around on the internet flirting with an old boyfriend? Sounds like your story doesn't it? Sounds like two people with trust and integrity issues to me, not good any way you look at it. 

""Before she found out about the dating website account things were good."" That comment cracked me up. It was good for you because YOU had gotten away with something and thought she was the dutiful little wife. Surprise!

If both of you can truly say nothing inappropriate has been going on for the last few years can you move forward? Can you not bring up the past? Can you write your past off as immaturity?

You have two kids in the scenario now, for their sake I say try counselling and try to work past this, both of you need to be fully transparent to prove you are trustworthy going forward.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cooper said:


> If your marriage is currently good why were you looking for trouble? How about if she said you were gone working and she was bored so one night her and a girlfriend played around on the internet flirting with an old boyfriend? Sounds like your story doesn't it? Sounds like two people with trust and integrity issues to me, not good any way you look at it.
> 
> ""Before she found out about the dating website account things were good."" That comment cracked me up. It was good for you because YOU had gotten away with something and thought she was the dutiful little wife. Surprise!
> 
> ...


It's always a shame when one is hyper judgmental of the other when they themselves KNOW they have crossed a line also.... 

I will never understand this from people.. this SHOULD make them more humble and understanding.. but instead they choose to only see the faults of the other.. you both stepped out of line at one time in the relationship...both of you need to come clean, examine your own actions against the one you vowed to love & devote yourselves to...

Understand WHY, what was missing, what caused you both to do what you did, WHY it was so emotionally hurtful and devastating to the other ..together decide what is important in going forward ... 

Integrity, trust, a "willing transparency" in a marriage...anything less.. you will find yourselves here again.. no matter who you are with in the future.


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

It's good that you acknowledge that you gave her cause for doubt with the dating sites but who knows if she did anything before that without you knowing. The bottom line is once trust is dented or broken, it's a very hard thing to restore - but as you have small children you both have to commit and to try everything possible to restore trust and I wish you good luck with that - you'll need it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would recommend couple's counselling.

You pair have children and you both need to consider them, too. Even if only at the level of co-parenting should you split up and divorce.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I couldn't bare to look my kids in the eye and tell them I broke up our family because I found some pictures in you mothers email 3 years before we married."

They may have been three years before you married; but, this is a brand new revelation for you. Would you have married her if you had found the pictures before marriage?

It would be beneficial if you asked her how in good conscience she could put on the 'holier than thou' act. How she could play warden when she should have been in jail right along side of you. Self-entitlement is an ugly thing to deal with.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.


Trust. 
It's what you both need back in your marriage to make it happy again. 

I understand that you just recently discovered these things and you might feel resentment towards her for all the boundaries that she put in place. 

Both of you made mistakes in the past. 
Fighting about who made the biggest or worst mistake will not be helpful. 

Marriage Counseling would be the way forward, focusing on mutual trust and mutual FAIR boundaries. 
Plus taking care about not holding resentment against each other for past mistakes. 







Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

JJKKDM said:


> Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.


"Before she busted me for being on a dating website, I was happy with the relationship. Now that I betrayed her trust and have repercussions, I am no longer happy"


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> JJKKDM said:
> 
> 
> > Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.
> ...


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Tough call. I would have a good talk with her and if this ever happens again, make it known that it's grounds for divorce.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It seems to me that you started the betrayal issue and really have no grounds for divorcing her. If you are serious about resolving this, you first have to commit to yourself and her that things like this are strictly off limits. She should be willing to to make the same commitment to you. If you both can't to this you shouldn't continue the marriage.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I believe you when you say it was up three days, you were screwing around with a buddy. Because why lie on some anonymous Internet forum?

But if you were my spouse, I would totally call BS that it was a joke. I would not believe you and would assume you were looking for someone else to (date/bang). It's the most logical reason to jump to.

Now this by no means excuses her from reaching out to other ex-partners. Certainly not holding onto pics just in case you break up and she has someone to go back to.

Did all this hit the fan within the past few months? Bringing kids into this mess was a grave mistake. As I said here or on your other thread, you both need intensive counseling to try to make a go of it, either together or apart, for the sake of those kids.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

I understand why she did it...she felt you were looking for a hook up, you can paint it whatever way you like but that's probably what she thought in her mind.

You're not going to get a hookup offshore but the possibility of meeting someone when you got back or engaging in inappropriate virtual behaviour was there. Whether you were going to or not she will never know, you can say what she done is worse but the fact remains.....she more than likely wouldn't have done that if you didn't set up a dating site.

You can say it was for entertainment purposes which I find absolutely ridiculous and a poor excuse.

I have no sympathy for you because you're reaping what you sow......KARMA! 

Really try talking to your wife and listening to her, then do your best to work through your issues and seek some relationship counselling. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

JJKKDM said:


> Before she found out about the dating website account things were good. I was able to hang out with my friends, not have my phone constantly ringing answering questions or video chatting to confirm I am where I say I am. When we were together it was fun. There were no breaches of trust at this point. I was satisfied with the relationship.


No, her actions are *not quite* divorce ready. They do deserve scrutiny and should not be rug swept. 

You have young children. You should work on mending this marriage, but not spend forever in repair mode. Let her know that you love her but feel the marriage is on shaky grounds. Tell her that "Yes, I screwed up once, and I have no intention of ever doing anything shady again. We need to start trusting each other again. There are things that you have done and said to others in the past that worries me, also".

Do not tell her everything you know. Let her guess on some of it. She will not like being put on the spot and left in the dark on those accusations. It hopefully will make her reflect. Your marriage is on a slippery slope. Stand your ground for now.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

This happend four years ago after 2 1/2 years of dating/living together. I just found about this situation on 1/5/2017.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JJKKDM said:


> This happend four years ago after 2 1/2 years of dating/living together. I just found about this situation on 1/5/2017.


Here is my thing, you have demonstrated through your actions that everything is on the up and up since your really bad move to signing up on a dating site. Your W should recognize that. Two wrongs to not make a right. But, being honest with each other will make it right. Time to talk about it and not carpet sweep as it appears to be doing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So, did she send pics as well?

Did she sleep over at the guys house, or did she sleep with the guy?

Sorry but I have read about a similar story. The wife put the husband through hell when he confessed to cheating. Went on for many years. Turned out she was cheating on him before he ever cheated on her. She was also cheating on him the entire time she was putting him through hell. He tried to R, then a few yrs later he found out that she meet up with the OM twice more after they started to R. 

Good luck. I wouldn't stay. Be the beat father you can for your kids. that doesn't mean you have to stay with a unapologetic woman that has treated you like crap for four years.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

What she did was actually cheating, while what you did was poor judgement, so I agree with you that exchanging semi nude photos with another man, and secretly spending the night at the home of another man, is far worse than looking at a dating site out of curiosity that you did not act on. But the real issue here is that you accepted responsibility and were remorseful for what you did, while she rationalizes what she did without remorse.

What you did for 3 days early in your relationship does not compare to what she has done throughout your relationship. You have only been married one year. If you have no children, I would seriously consider divorce. But that is just me knowing what you tell me. You are the only one that has the full picture of who you both are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JJKKDM said:


> I know this is no excuse for my behavior but I feel like texting some one and exchanging seductive pictures while I am away at work is way worse than scrolling through profiles on a dating website.


You're wrong.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

turnera said:


> You're wrong.


I don't know, it's about intent. I am not saying either is good, but I actually got caught, early on while dating the first ex-Herschel, on a dating website. Now, I had already an account on there (ahem) because that is where I originally met her, however, I had a friend tell me to log on and check out someone he wanted to ask out. That's all I did, gave him my opinion and logged out (forgetting to remove my account again). It was innocent, and I got slammed for it because she had no idea if I was telling the truth or not (probably should have stayed on looking back on it).

She has the intent to send naked pictures. If his intent was to hook up with someone, well, then he's a DB. All we know is what he tells us, and he could lie, which will do him no good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I believe you when you say it was up three days, you were screwing around with a buddy. Because why lie on some anonymous Internet forum?
> 
> But if you were my spouse, I would totally call BS that it was a joke. I would not believe you and would assume you were looking for someone else to (date/bang). It's the most logical reason to jump to.


Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land. 

My take is you don't like being under close supervision, it's humiliating and degrading and stifling. You'll get nowhere playing the 'you did worse than me' crap; you'll NEVER have a decent relationship again if you try to grind her down that way.

What you CAN do is come to her, hat in hand, and say 'look, we both screwed up, and I don't want a marriage where we don't trust each other. Let's do something about this. Together.'

Now, if you find out she was reciprocating with other men beyond receiving this guy's pictures, then you have bigger problems. But I doubt she'll ever tell you the truth if you're busy crucifying her for doing so.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

turnera said:


> Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land.


 They were not married at the time. What you are missing is that he logged on to that site early in the relationship, whereas as she did what she did later in the relationship. Also, he states that his intent was not to cheat, whereas she clearly intended to cheat and did.

Think about it. Worse case he is lying and by going on the site he was thinking about getting in a relationship where he might exchange semi-nude photos or secretly spend the night at someone's house, but backed down and did not in fact do so. She in fact did these things. Of course he does not have to measure what he did by worse case since he knows if he was lying to us or not and knows for sure his true intent. Bottom line he never actually cheated, and if he is not lying, he never intended to cheat. She intended to cheat and did. I do not see how you can treat his actions the same as hers, especially in light of her lack of remorse.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> You're wrong.


No he's not. That's bull **** to tell him that looking without actually involving another person is worse than sexting and spending the night with another man. Pure bull ****.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Normally, I respect your opinions, but in this case I think your view is a little one sided.



turnera said:


> Especially considering the travel considerations for offshore workers. Wives at home have no control over when and how you come home, how you get there, where you stop along the way, and how long it takes you to get home once you step foot on land.


Nor do offshore/military workers have control over what their SO's are doing while they are away...Don't minimize what those left at home are capable of doing themselves...I have seen it many times



turnera said:


> Now, if you find out she was reciprocating with other men beyond receiving this guy's pictures, then you have bigger problems. But I doubt she'll ever tell you the truth if you're busy crucifying her for doing so.


For example, she was calling, texting, and messaging with said OM for 3 weeks during the duration of his work. As well as potentially spending the night at another man's home. I would say she probably stepped over that line. I believe part of the problem is that she has been acting holier than thou for several years yet she committed several acts that many would consider cheating and withholding that information. Last time I checked the CWI forum, this was hallmark cheater behavior. 

Are they BOTH wrong? You bet and they both should be admonished. (Although I think she stepped WAY further over the line, most likely into the EA zone. Big difference.) 




turnera said:


> What you CAN do is come to her, hat in hand, and say 'look, we both screwed up, and I don't want a marriage where we don't trust each other. Let's do something about this. Together.'


By far some of the best advice I have seen in this entire thread. Marriage is a group effort, get her involved in trying to find a solution. This old stuff from the past is just that, things from the past. You can't change it, but you can learn from it.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

turnera said:


> You're wrong.


Let's assume that OP is telling the truth and that he didn't communicate with any of the women in the profiles on that dating site. That would make it a one-way communication where those women did not interact with him in any way. That would be like looking at porn. What his wife did was a two-way communication, complete with flirting and probably sexting involving an old flame. On top of that, she spent the night at another man's house. What was that all about? It sounds to me, she's more dishonest than he was.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else


Sounds innocent enough to me. 

They probably watched movies and made popcorn.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JJKKDM said:


> I find out she has lied on more than one occasion. One being staying over at a guys house that she knew I didn't approve of and telling me she was somewhere else


Although the sexting photos which confirm at least an emotional affair (EA) are bad, her "staying over at a guys house that she knew" you "didn't approve", and her lying about it by telling you that "she was somewhere else" is actually what would end it for me. You not approving of the guy shows that you did not trust his intentions with her and shows that you did not consider him to be a friend of your couple relationship, and yet knowing this she was sneaking around with him behind your back. That is what cheaters do.

A major study shows that in only 3% of the time does a cheater get caught in the act of having sex, and in only 7% of the time do they ever admit to having cheated (that includes the 3% caught in the act). This means that in dealing with a cheater, it does not make sense to play the cheater game where they want you to wait around for you to catch them in the act or for them to admit it, because neither is likely to ever happen. You must use common sense and logic to decide what happened (something they do not want you to do), and take action accordingly.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.


It's still bull **** and this is why: She knew, based on how she felt, he would feel about what she was doing and did it anyway. He said he was just screwing around and wouldn't have done it had he known how she would feel about it but she _knew_ and still took it several steps farther. No, there's no way what he did was worse than what she did. No way in hell.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I'm curious how she found out about your dating profile. I only ask because I had a friend who was trying to cheat on her husband and found his dating profile! Did she possibly "stumble" upon it while on the dating site herself..?


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

TRy said:


> They were not married at the time. What you are missing is that he logged on to that site early in the relationship, whereas as she did what she did later in the relationship. Also, he states that his intent was not to cheat, whereas she clearly intended to cheat and did.
> 
> Think about it. Worse case he is lying and by going on the site he was thinking about getting in a relationship where he might exchange semi-nude photos or secretly spend the night at someone's house, but backed down and did not in fact do so. She in fact did these things. Of course he does not have to measure what he did by worse case since he knows if he was lying to us or not and knows for sure his true intent. Bottom line he never actually cheated, and if he is not lying, he never intended to cheat. She intended to cheat and did. I do not see how you can treat his actions the same as hers, especially in light of her lack of remorse.




No, that's wrong, they were in a committed relationship and living together for some years. So he shouldn't of been anywhere near dating sites, he got his just deserts!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

turnera said:


> The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.




Here here 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> It's still bull **** and this is why: She knew, based on how she felt, he would feel about what she was doing and did it anyway. He said he was just screwing around and wouldn't have done it had he known how she would feel about it but she _knew_ and still took it several steps farther. No, there's no way what he did was worse than what she did. No way in hell.




But the point is being missed here...

Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site, she won't know for sure that he's telling the truth because he did cross that line, she will never know how far he went and that's why she acts the way she does, she always wants to feel as if she can get one over on him too. It's a vicious cycle but that's what it is.

I don't believe for one second he had no intentions of engaging in foul play otherwise he wouldn't have signed up to a dating site in the first place. 


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

JJKKDM,

Offer to take a polygraph if she will take one as well. This may clear up her doubts as well as yours.

Was the guy who you did not approve of married or did he have a girlfriend at that time?

I have to agree that the half naked pics were an emotional affair at least. 

Was there a time when the passion left your marriage, meaning you still had intercourse but the kissing just died or she no longer want you to touch her breasts or something of that nature.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Loveontherocks said:


> But the point is being missed here...
> 
> Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site, she won't know for sure that he's telling the truth because he did cross that line, she will never know how far he went and that's why she acts the way she does, she always wants to feel as if she can get one over on him too.


 You are missing the point when you say "Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site". The OP is allowed to make his decision based on what he knows in his heart is the truth about his intentions not to cheat, without there being a requirement that he treat her incorrect view of his intentions as a fact that he must base his decisions on. The only facts that he know for sure is that he did not intend to cheat and never did, while she intended to cheat and did. First she cheated with the sexting guy, where she had at least an emotional affair (EA), and then with the guy that she secretly stayed over with while lying to the OP about her whereabouts.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

His wife _stayed over at a guys house and lied to cover it up _.

That trumps signing up for a dating site any day of the week.

They can play the game of "whose transgression was worse" until HELL freezes over, but at the end of the day, it's not looking so good for reasons to stay married which is his original question.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> The reason I say he's wrong, that his wasn't worse, is that he did it first. Up to that point (as far as we know), she had been a model girlfriend/partner, giving him no reason to even consider signing up for a dating site. Now, if he were just opening a website and browsing girls, that's one thing. But to take the step to SIGN UP requires a level of psychological commitment of crossing over a line. Which he is downplaying. If he didn't know he was crossing that line or if he believed she would have seen it as harmless fun, he would have come home and told her about it right away. IIRC, he didn't.


You're wrong.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Number one, she was exchanging nude pictures=sexting=affair.

Number two, she spent the night with another man = affair #2

Number three, she regularly lies

Number four, she kept souvenirs of her sexting affair

Number five, she hounded him for years playing holier than thou

etc.

I tried to check out a website once that made the news to see what the hubub was about. To see anything you had to sign up and maybe pay money. So I just said forget it.

There is no comparison to what they did.

The only way I would stay with her "knowing" she spent the night with another man is if she passed a polygraph. I would offer to take one too under the circumstances.

As far as her lying habits and constant bizarre behavior, I would have the kids DNA checked.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

TRy said:


> You are missing the point when you say "Whether he had intentions to meet anyone or not she won't believe him because he set up a dating site". The OP is allowed to make his decision based on what he knows in his heart is the truth about his intentions not to cheat, without there being a requirement that he treat her incorrect view of his intentions as a fact that he must base his decisions on. The only facts that he know for sure is that he did not intend to cheat and never did, while she intended to cheat and did. First she cheated with the sexting guy, where she had at least an emotional affair (EA), and then with the guy that she secretly stayed over with while lying to the OP about her whereabouts.




But SHE doesn't know that, think about it, you find your OH on a dating site and they tell you "oh I only set it up for a joke, it was harmless."

Would you believe that? 

Say we didn't know anything about OP dilemma now and his wife was to post back when the dating site problem occurred telling us how she caught him on this site but he says he just did it for a laugh and never intended to use it.....we would all be telling her how much of a liar he is and not to fall for such BS. I know this because I've read similar situations on here and all the replies are usually unanimously agreeing that we would think he was up to no good. 

And for the record I'm not condoning her behaviour, two wrongs don't make a right and if I were in her situation I would of taken the moral high ground and kept my dignity intact. All I'm saying is the OP is partially to blame in this scenario.

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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Loveontherocks said:


> But SHE doesn't know that, think about it, you find your OH on a dating site and they tell you "oh I only set it up for a joke, it was harmless."
> 
> Would you believe that?


 If you look at who should believe what, it does not compare.

*What she is worried about believing:* She found out that the OP was on a dating site for 3 days before he closed his account, but she does not know if she should believe him that he never made contact with anyone off that site. The OP has no history of lying to her.

*What the OP is worried about believing #1:* He found out that she not only made contact with a man that he does not trust, but she secretly stayed over alone with this other man at his house while lying to the OP about her whereabouts, and the OP does not know if he should believe her that she did not have sex with this other man when she stayed over. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.

*What the OP is worried about believing #2:* He found out that she had an emotional affair (EA) with another man that for sure included sexting photos to each other which she kept, and he does not know if he should believe her that this EA did not go physical where she had sex with this other man. She has a proven history of lying to the OP.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

TRy said:


> If you look at who should believe what, it does not compare.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree it looks bad but what I mean is she only has his word that nothing happened, I know for sure if my husband had set up a dating site I wouldn't take his word for it that it was just "innocent fun" the OP wife probably thinks there's more to it, the fact the OP basically said he had no issues with his wife prior the dating site shows her actions and behaviour are more than likely as result of what his betrayal did to her, she probably feels she can't trust him so she may as well cheat herself. 

That's how it looks from my perspective and I also don't believe for one minute his intentions were innocent, I think she happened to catch him before he was able to take it further. In my eyes no one sets up a dating site just for a laugh....maybe 12 year olds but grown men who do that type of thing are there to chat to women and possibly meet up with women. 

I'm not saying her behaviour is right but let's not sugarcoat his actions, he's hardly whiter than white.


Finally where did he say he shut it down after three days voluntarily? I think she more than likely caught him and that's why it was shut down after three days.

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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

I agree it looks bad!


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.

As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.
> 
> 
> 
> As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.




Hi OP,

It seems as if she had overstepped the mark by remaining friends with a guy you thought had desires on her. The fact her and a few others went to his house would make me think it was just to crash there and nothing more. 

Could she be unwilling to cut ties with this friend because he's part of her social circle and doing this will make it awkward for her to spend time with the rest of her friends? I still think if you are sure he is interested in her then she shouldn't remain friends with him, I'm sure she wouldn't want you hanging out with a girl who had the hots for you.

I still think her behaviour is because of the dating site and how it's really messed up her self esteem, she probably felt like she wasn't enough for you so tried to seek validation elsewhere.

You would both benefit immensely from some relationship counselling because you've said your relationship was great prior to all this. Try and get counselling arranged and hopefully you both can see where you've went wrong, learn from your mistakes and move forward.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JJKKDM said:


> This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records).


 This other man (OM) was more to her than just a guy in a "group of friends".



JJKKDM said:


> As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.


 First, they did not have to go back to his house because there designated driver had stranded them. She could have just as easily taken a cab from the bar that night like she did from his house the next morning. They all could have.

Second, she originally lied to you that she spent the night at Heather's house, and if they in fact had all stayed together at his house there would have been no reason for such a lie. Only after you caught on to her lie because of the cab, did she revise the story to say that they all stayed at his house. And just like she knew that her friends were willing to cover for her by tell you that they all slept over at Heather's home, she knew that these same friends would be willing to cover for her by telling you that they all stayed at the other man's place with her that night.

Now that you explained it in more detail, is sounds even worst because it does not make sense.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What i find interesting is that the prosecution you went through by her for transgression pales in comparison what she expects from you...more than anything else she is a first class Hypocrite...she is a first class liar, she has clearly demonstrated that she must still think of him if she still has his pictures, and she still has demonstrated that she can justify any of her actions based solely on your transgression...that is a non starter...tell us, what actions has she done since 1-5-2017 to demonstrate heavy lifting to save this marriage, and more importantly to rebuild your trust? 

to be honest i tell her that she has destroyed ALL trust with you...and start by DNA the kids. you now have to start from the bottom up.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Let's see. She gets pizzed about you making a dating profile to laugh at the profiles. I have seen a couple of my friends do this, some of the profiles are hilarious. 

Then she sleeps overnight at a guys house after a party, where she has been drinking, then lies about it. I don't care if she says she slept on the couch with two other girls. That doesn't mean s**t. She could have lied about the two other girls being there or he could have slept on the couch also. It's not like she told the truth about where she stayed that night.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes it is bad enough to think about whether you want to stay with this woman. Reasons have already been outline by others. And if you are telling the truth about signing on to a dating site with friends for a laugh, then her actions are not justified. There is a very strong chance that she cheated. By the way I do understand and believe your explanation for what you did all those years ago (I have seen more than one of my colleagues, friends etc do something similar with no intention of cheating at all).

It sounds like she has a habit of easily lying to you and then when found out, lying again to provide some kind of bogus, highly questionable explanation. Are you prepared to live with somebody who contacts old boyfriends, leaves from a party with men pursuing her to spend the night at their place while lying to you constantly when you are away, and deflects you by turning the blame on you, and you constantly having to check up on her to catch her (her never feeling remorseful to tell you on her own). I sure don't think this is someone I would want to be around let alone be married to.

So the simple answer to your question is YES!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JJKKDM said:


> Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was going to a Halloween party with all her friends. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.
> 
> As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.


Bull$hit. Polygraph.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She and two other girls slept on the couch. Just how big was that couch?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Bull$hit. Polygraph.


Yep. And DNA the kids.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

At the end of the day, you both have done wrong. 

Everyone keeps pointing the finger, but instead of playing the blame game, why not figure out if your marriage is worth saving or not? As I mentioned previously, you can't change the past, it is a done deal. Can you learn from it and move forward as a stronger couple or not?

I would highly recommend some MC with a neutral third party to discuss your issues and lay it out on the table. To be effective though, your both must be on board. If you all are not willing to own your own $hit in what happened and be willing to work on the relationship, it may be a lost cause.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

C3156 said:


> To be effective though, your both must be on board. If you all are not willing to own your own $hit in what happened and be willing to work on the relationship, it may be a lost cause.


 Actually the OP has been willing to own his "own $hit" and has been doing so in spades for over 4 years. It is the wife that has been lying and blame shifting without remorse all these years.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment"... She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls.


If this was the truth, there's no good reason for her to lie about it.


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

She found an email I had sent to my friend while checking up on my emails. My old college room mate's wife worked at a day care. One of her co-workers found this dating profile and messaged me. I immediately knew that some how this was going to get back around to my wife. So to mitigate that, I sent my old roomate an email asking him to tell his wife not to say anything to mine. 

When explaining what happened on this forum, I realize how shady this all sounds on my part. I really do. I assure you that my intent with this dating website was not to start another relationship or find hook ups, purely for entertainment. A few of the guys I worked with were on dating sites looking for "hookups". They kept saying how "crazy" some women were on this site and that you wouldn't believe the things they would say. I opened the profile strictly for entertainment (again I acknowledge this was extremely immature) and there is no way I could tell you now how long it would have remained open had she not caught me. This was a shared account between me and another guy who was also curious. I know there is absolutely no way for my wife to know my true intentions and that I did influence her behavior.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> Let me clarify the "sleeping at another mans house comment". This happened about 11 months after the photo exchange incident. I was again offshore and she told me she was *going to a Halloween party with all her friends*. This particular group of friends had a guy in it that she text and called fairly frequently (some type of communication 3 to 4 days a week, I checked the phone records). I told her more than once that I felt he wanted more from here than just friendship and she always assured me he did not.
> 
> As the party at the bar ends, her and a few girls go back to his house. She states that their designated driver had left them stranded so she had to take the ride going to his house. *That night she told me that she was at her friend Heather's apartment going to bed*. Upon checking the call/text logs I see she contacted a cab company early in the morning (she wouldn't have had to do this because her car was at Heather's apartment). I confront her about it and she admits to lying about where she stayed. *She assures me she slept on the couch with two other girls*.


Okay, first off, you guys have 2 small children. So, if you're working offshore, and are away, how in the world can she go out, especially overnight?

Secondly, she slept on the couch with 2 other girls? I don't know what kind of couch this was, but we have a pretty wide couch if we take the back cushions off. And still, there's no way that H and I could both sleep on there for a night. Never mind adding an extra person to the mix!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> When explaining what happened on this forum, I realize how shady this all sounds on my part. I really do. I assure you that my intent with this dating website was not to start another relationship or find hook ups, purely for entertainment


Metaphorically speaking, you're worried about the pimple on your nose when you've been tentatively diagnosed with brain cancer.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

JJKKDM said:


> This was a shared account between me and another guy who was also curious. I know there is absolutely no way for my wife to know my true intentions and that I did influence her behavior.


 This is another example of you taking responsibility for your actions, something she has not done. The problem here is that your wife used your remorse to justify her cheating on you and to bully you with a false holier than you control over you and your marriage.

To better evaluate this matter, let’s separate what each did, and look at the transgressions on their own merits by asking the following questions:

1)	If you found out that your spouse had a shared account with a friend on a dating site for 3 days where you had no evidence whatsoever that they ever acted on it, where they claimed that he and the friend never had the intent to cheat, where in remorse they accepted “as part of the repercussions for betraying” your trust years where you “constantly controlled everything” they did, who they “hung out with”, “phone, internet, email and monitored” whereabouts, and where they did not have a history of lying to you, would the average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say no.

2)	If you found out that your spouse had an emotion affair (EA) where they exchanged and saved sexting photos with a member of the opposite sex, and where your spouse has a history of lying to you “about a lot of things”, would the average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say yes.

3)	If you found out that your spouse secretly stayed overnight at the home of a member of the opposite sex that you did not trust while lying to you about their whereabouts, where the reason for the lie did not make sense if the replacement story was true (why lie if all 3 girlfriends slept over?), where the story of why she did it did not make sense (why did she wait until morning to take a cab?), where their story of where they slept did not make sense (3 on a couch?), where she and the other man that you do not consider a friend of your relationship have a relationship that includes regular non-work related contact throughout the week (remember the history of an EA), where your spouse has a history of an EA, and where your spouse has a history of lying to you “about a lot of things”, would an average person seriously consider divorce based on only this? I would say yes again.

Bottom line is that the average person would not seriously consider divorce based on what the OP did, but the average person would seriously consider divorce for either of the two things that the OP's spouse did, and more so if you consider she did both divorce-able things. In answer to your question in this threads title "Is it bad enough to divorce over?", for her no, for you yes.

It takes from 3 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to deal with a full on affair by their spouse; your 4 years of paying your dues for the dating site matter is more than enough time considering you never actually cheated; your dues are more than paid and she does not get to bring it up anymore. If you still want to give this marriage a try, she needs to be willing to start paying her dues for her far more serious martial transgressions without bringing up the dating site matter as an excuse. Again, your dues are paid, her's are not.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Post created in error.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I am wondering if the OP is looking for a good enough reason to divorce his wife? Because his wife's thread paints a very different story, and either the OP is leaving out a lot of info or the wife is exaggerating her side of the story.

I'm not saying that either of them are in the right, but it feels like a lot of posters here are ganging up on the wife because they're getting an incomplete picture/story.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@FeministInPink

I actually confronted him regarding this. I specifically told him he left out quite a bit and with doing so it has painted a completely different story. He said it is very hard to be objective on here. Either way I feel I have filled in the gaps pretty well. I do not feel I am exaggerating but that is my opinion.. My husband has seen what I have posted and I had no intentions to hide it. I actually told him I was doing it prior to doing so. I told him what he posted portrays me as a completely different person and makes what really happened 100 x's worse than what really happened. 

After reading each others post, we have seen how all of this looks to each other as well as to others. We have decided that we both need to put everything that happened YEARS ago behind us. All of this happened prior to marriage. We have decided that from the date we got married, anything before that no longer, matters. We will be seeking out marriage counseling and do our best to try to make this work. We both know this isn't going to be easy and that we have a long road ahead of us. We have two beautiful children depending us and we do love each other deeply despite our mistakes and flaws.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@Nucking Futs

I voluntarily offered to do a DNA test, I told my husband I would even schedule it. He is the one who chose not to. I have nothing to hide and I have not slept with anyone since we have agreed to be exclusive.


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## JaSim340 (Jan 12, 2017)

@Blondilocks it was a pretty big couch that could easily fit a few 120 pound 22/23 years olds. like we stated this was long before we had children.

If anyone is curious I have posted a link below of a similar couch. The couch he had was longer on the ends that this one.

oversized leather sectional sofa - bingewatchshows.com


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

JaSim340 said:


> @FeministInPink
> 
> I actually confronted him regarding this. I specifically told him he left out quite a bit and with doing so it has painted a completely different story. He said it is very hard to be objective on here. Either way I feel I have filled in the gaps pretty well. I do not feel I am exaggerating but that is my opinion.. My husband has seen what I have posted and I had no intentions to hide it. I actually told him I was doing it prior to doing so. I told him what he posted portrays me as a completely different person and makes what really happened 100 x's worse than what really happened.
> 
> After reading each others post, we have seen how all of this looks to each other as well as to others. We have decided that we both need to put everything that happened YEARS ago behind us. All of this happened prior to marriage. We have decided that from the date we got married, anything before that no longer, matters. We will be seeking out marriage counseling and do our best to try to make this work. We both know this isn't going to be easy and that we have a long road ahead of us. We have two beautiful children depending us and we do love each other deeply despite our mistakes and flaws.


I am glad to hear this. I hope the two of you can work out your issues and have a healthier relationship moving forward!

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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP Your wife is a cheater she gaslighted you, she used your incident to gaslight you. She's been lying to you this whole time I would DNA the kids seriously let her know that you're doing that. I personally could not be with her. Look you know damn well what she did.! She is cheated she slept with that guy. and you know it. First off people don't hide stuff unless they have something to hide. Now only you can only answer this... you know your wife is a cheating POS That cannot be trusted. If I was you in a bit dead serious I would DNA the kids. And I would talk about where she could go and stay because she can't live with me anymore I would dissolve the marriage.


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