# I feel like I hate my life.



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

So, I feel like I am barely hanging on. I have pretty much hated my life for years and years. My husband knows that, but probably figures that since I have stopped saying it out loud that things will be fine. Or something. 

I don't know how to change my life. I don't know if I can change my life and stay married to my husband. I just don't know what to do. We aren't even friends, really. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. I literally can't even bring myself to open my mouth and speak sometimes.

So now I find myself keeping secrets. Keeping myself from bearing my soul to him. He doesn't know me anymore. We both know that. When I do say stuff I find myself disappointed in the outcome.
I tried alcohol for the first time in my life on Friday night at a friend's house. I haven't told my H. He will be disappointed. I should be able to share that kind of experience with the person I'm married to, but I feel like I can't. (Background-alcohol is against our religion that I no longer believe in)

He is going back to school and I don't think our marriage will survive it. I'm 34 and husband is 40, married 16 years. I'm resentful. I was supposed to get to finish my education at some point, but instead he is going back for round 2 before I ever get my turn. I just gave him all our money so he could pay for the initial classes.

There are dozens more things I could talk about. It feels like the cards are stacked against us. We've grown apart. I want to do and experience things that he just has no interest in or actually would be against. The truth is, he doesn't approve of who I have become. He tries to be a good sport about it, but...

Soon he will be working and in school all the time and I will wonder what the **** the point of marriage is. If I am going to be the primary care provider for the kids I can do that without the marriage contract. My life would not change at all, but his would. I don't know how he could afford to live on his own. We live with my parents right now and are in the midst of bankruptcy. Did I mention I hate my life?

I can't see how we could stay together after the kids are gone. That won't be for 15 years, though. I don't think I can take this kind of relationship for 15 more years. We have both mentioned staying together "for the kids" but I don't know how well that works out. I don't really like the idea of another woman (or man, in my case) helping to raise my kids. Or all the issues that step families create.

I am so angry inside. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I want to change my life, but I feel so impotent all the time. This sucks! I hate this and don't want it. I don't want to divorce. I don't know if I can stay married. And this all sounds far too much like my first post here several months ago. Dang it.

I don't even know what I am looking for here. I just needed to get this out. Maybe someone has some wonderful, helpful words of wisdom or can tell me it gets better. I dunno.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately I can relate though. Are you seeing a therapist?

After much counseling and soul searching, I have finally identified my problem. I simply can't find "purpose" in my life. It sounds as though that may be part of your problem as well. I haven't found a solution, but I'm looking. Do you have any long term goals or aspirations? Do you and your husband share these?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

NotAName,

A lot of Angst in your post, but little history. Can you define some moments in your relationship that you feel contributed to these feelings. Some more background may help to determine the root of the issue for you.

Be strong girl.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Here is my intro post back on Feb 4.



> I got married to my husband when I was 18 and he was 23. We dated for 6 months before getting married. I married him because he was the nicest guy I knew and would make a good father and we were horny. Basically, we got married for religious reasons. I was attracted to his heart more than his body, but I didn't think that would ever be a problem.
> 
> We never have been good at communicating. To the point that it has often been a joke that others know more about our individual lives/schedules than we do. It's not so funny anymore. The communication is so bad now that it just isn't really happening and I don't even know how to make it happen.
> 
> ...


Since that post I have been able to make significant changes in our sex life and my attitude towards sex. It is constant work to maintain.
While that has been a positive change, I still am not attracted to him. He has even made the comment that he is "spoiled" by me. So, he seems to be very pleased with our current sex life.

I have made changes to myself and have tried to encourage H to follow. He has resisted pretty much ever suggestion or request I have made.

I don't think he should change for me. I won't change for him. However, I am struggling with lack of attraction and him staying the same won't help that issue.

I have lots of changes I am working towards for myself. Baby steps. I just feel myself stepping further and further away from my husband.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So, stop doing things for your husband. It's time to get a little selfish. It seems that he is being selfish himself. It's your time to go to school. It's time for your dreams. You need to become strong and independent where you are self sufficient. Then you will be in a better state of mind to decide upon the future of your life.

You also need some tools to enforce your own boundaries. Go read the Boundary Testing Handbook in the men's Forum for some pointers. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html#post353096

Do you know what your needs are? Have you researched this at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> So, stop doing things for your husband. It's time to get a little selfish. It seems that he is being selfish himself. It's your time to go to school. It's time for your dreams. You need to become strong and independent where you are self sufficient. Then you will be in a better state of mind to decide upon the future of your life.
> 
> You also need some tools to enforce your own boundaries. Go read the Boundary Testing Handbook in the men's Forum for some pointers. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html#post353096
> 
> Do you know what your needs are? Have you researched this at all?


I don't really understand how boundaries relate to my marriage. I will look into that.

I have done lots of quizzes and reading and things about needs. I have read from the Marriage Builders website as well as the Married Man Sex Life blog. I've also read The 5 Love Languages and other marriage self-help type stuff.

I feel like I know what my needs are in a relationship. I feel like my H thinks my needs are shallow and materialistic. So, there ya go. I have not shown him any of the needs quizzes I have taken or told him straight out that I need xxx from him. I have tried to just suggest certain things and he just shoots down the idea. Now I just don't say anything.

I plan to go to school when my youngest starts kindergarten. That is actually only a year away. 

My H does have to go back to school. I understand that on a logical level, my heart just isn't in it.

You know, the resentment is keeping me from living my life. I think that is part of what is holding me back. Fear, too. It is like I have just shut down on a lot of things. I guess I would be happier if I just lived like I didn't have a partner. SInce I do have a partner I have this unmet expectation of him helping me raise the kids and take care of things around the house. I am always disappointed because he doesn't help with those things. He does do some stuff with the kids and errands, it's not like he doesn't do anything. I really might have too high of expectations. I don't really know.


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## clarah (Jun 1, 2011)

I am soooo there. You just blogged my thoughtson my own life. 
Progress is progress, depite how small it may seem. I hope thigns get better for you soon.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

He's crossing your boundaries when he won't listen or consider your views or feelings. In essence, minimizing your importance in the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

827Aug said:


> I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately I can relate though. Are you seeing a therapist?
> 
> After much counseling and soul searching, I have finally identified my problem. I simply can't find "purpose" in my life. It sounds as though that may be part of your problem as well. I haven't found a solution, but I'm looking. Do you have any long term goals or aspirations? Do you and your husband share these?


I haven't been in any individual therapy.

I did sit down a while back and write out some goals and my core values and stuff. It was REALLY helpful. For a while I was looking at them daily and had a list of little steps towards my bigger goals. I need to refocus and get back on that.

Having purpose does make a huge difference!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Suicide is rage at others turned inward by shame and frustration. I believe the key to overcoming it is to finally draw a line in the sand and repeat to yourself "As I AM, accept me as I AM, or don't accept me but this is who I AM." 

I was tossed in the nutch hutch multiple times for repeated suicide attempts before I was 17. What I learned surviving that could be boiled down to "F#ck all you other people! It's not me, it's you" More or less. And that's what turning a deaf ear to your pain is, it's a kind of blaming you for their own indifference to your suffering. People who don't care about your suffering are cruel. Loved ones who don't care about your suffering are sadists.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Ugh. I feel so out of control. It is not so many days later and I feel worse. I feel like I hate my life and want to die (don't worry, I am not having suicidal thoughts). 

I def lost it a little bit tonight. I don't understand how I can go from feeling fine to so irritated and upset in one day. Maybe the hurt and rage is always under the surface somewhere waiting for the trigger? I dunno. I could feel myself start to slip...I started getting pissy and snippy at kids and H which evolved into yelling at people after my youngest urinated on my bed at 11pm.

I am just so pissed. I feel very undermined (sp?) as a parent and also like H does not pull his weight as a parent or adult.

Sorry for bumping my old thread and sorry for being a complainer. I am just feeling so desperate and lonely right now.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have mentioned your dreams many times and that you feel like you can never achieve them. What are they?

What are your children's dreams? Do they get a little closer to them each day? Children's dreams are easy, because when they choose to experiment with them we call this extracurricular activities! Do you encourage them to move towards their dreams, are you creative in finding a way so that they can? 

Well, the same thing you would do for your children, you can do for yourself.

What about your parents' dreams? Many people (such as myself) dream about having their grandchildren and children living with them and being actively involved in their lives. Not everyone wants their children to grow up and leave! (Although it is nice when people grow up and go have adventures and education and then come back to tell about them...) Is it possible that your parents are secretly happy to have you and your children at home? Might you actually have more flexibility than you realize in doing things for yourself, just that you have not given your parents or husband the real opportunity to support you? It's not an all or nothing. You could choose one thing that is super important to you and then ask your family to make it happen for you, even if it is one activity lasting a few months for a couple hours a week. You can see how it goes. Maybe it would even be something that is paid work in the environment that you dream about.

Your H would be able to manage very well on his own. As a student, he can live in a rented room somewhere. If that is really what he wants to do, he will find a way. It doesn't sound as though you want to divorce him just so he can live separately and support you and the children while giving up his own thing. 

It is good that you left a religion you didn't believe in. Also that you recognize the part that the religion played in your past decisions. It's good to be curious and to question whether things are good, bad or neutral in terms of what they might contribute to your life. If you spent a lot of time adhering to tenets of your religion and this is what caused you to always support your H no matter what, then it will take a bit of effort for you to get the hang of making your own decisions without that framework. If you keep at it, it will get easier, but you should allow yourself the freedom to make some mistakes and to experiment and to be open about your desire to make things better for yourself. I think you will find more cheerleaders in your own house than you think.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> It's not me, it's you" More or less. And that's what turning a deaf ear to your pain is, it's a kind of blaming you for their own indifference to your suffering. People who don't care about your suffering are cruel. Loved ones who don't care about your suffering are sadists.


Amen.
The key is to find someone who does care.
I'm not talking about always a spouse.
It could be someone from your past who cared but you saw it as meddling or you didn't recognize it at the time. 
It could even be yourself, in stronger and better moments.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Thanks, Homemaker. 

I know that my life is pretty great when compared to so, so many. When I think how I hate my life I try to pinpoint what that means. It is hard to pinpoint the true reason because there is such a pile of unresolved issues and resentment. 

I think it boils down to a bit of self loathing, parenting problems and marital/communication problems. Of course, that impacts my whole life. I think I have a bit of anxiety, too, but managable.

Ugh. I just feel so stuck. 

Living with my parents is only a problem because I feel judged for doing things contrary to their religious beliefs. I don't feel comfortable wearing the clothes I want to wear or staying home from church or watching rated R movies in my own home. They also judge us for our parenting and housekeeping skills. They usually don't say anything, but I know they are thinking it. It does come up from time to time.
I also feel very self conscious of every thing---like the fact my husband doesn't help with the yardwork or that my kids leave a mess. 

My dream is to be a professional genealogist. I started doing some reading and work towards it, but then I start to get scared and believe I can't do it. So, there is some self-esteem issues going on there.

I do have a goal of building stronger friendships, however I seem to be having trouble actually doing it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I may be able to help a bit. Just from my observations.

You are never shy with your opinions. And, you are smart.

I'm willing to bet you enjoy debate and enjoy "finishing discussions" - would that be accurate?


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*I have two things to say: 1 * I'm assuming that since your religion is so strict on alcohol that divorce is also a no-no. If that's the case and your husband is very devout in his religion, it is very difficult to bring a person to do something that is against their religion, especially if they adhere very strongly to its principles. 

2 * The worst thing you can do is stay together for the kids. It makes it much worse and the impact it has on your children can be life lasting. Being raised in a household where the parents should be divorced can almost be worse at times than for kids of divorced parents. The trauma can be more significant (being present when fights take place, having to take sides, choosing between what two differing parents are telling you to do, walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion to happen and doing whatever you can as a child to prevent it, etc.) not to mention that even if the parents aren't fighting but instead not talking to each other at all (I've experienced that as well) the children will still pick up on the tension and lack of love in the house which will also increase their anxiety and quality of life. 

What also ends up happening in a loveless marriage is that the children then become surrogate spouses and end up having to fulfill the roles and responsibilities that the husband or wife should be providing to each other. This dysfunctional way of behaving can lead to an enmeshed family where roles and responsibilities of the parents and children are blurred and unhealthy relationships and boundaries are formed. This is NOT the kind of family you want to create. 

I can speak on this because I have the perspective of your children, with the foresight of what the future holds for them. As much as my parents thought they were doing the right thing by staying together, I always wish (and still do; my parents just this weekend had a huge blowout) that my parents would divorce. I would rather have been a broken family on the inside and out rather than having to hold the broken family together all by myself (my sister was never involved in my family's problems which created resentment in me and gave me double the responsibility of the family on top of the other responsibility that no child should ever have to their parent: fulfilling their emotional needs).

I say this coming from both a clinical and personal perspective. I am now 25 years old and a therapist. It's no surprise that my profession came from the experiences I had growing up in a family that should have ceased to exist. I see the same themes in your family and I wanted to share this with you not just to help you with your perspective, but to give you insight into those who probably don't speak up as much as they'd like and/or who have little power and control over the situation they are stuck in: your children. Good luck.....*


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I may be able to help a bit. Just from my observations.
> 
> You are never shy with your opinions. And, you are smart.
> 
> I'm willing to bet you enjoy debate and enjoy "finishing discussions" - would that be accurate?


The internet is my outlet for my opinions. I pretty much don't talk to anyone in my house about my personal feelings or opinions.

I do sometimes get into it about cleaning or childrearing. I usually get out a little of my issues and then shut down with no resolution. It has happened enough times that I pretty much just don't talk about my issues anymore.


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## iwin (Jul 4, 2011)

Here is my advice:
1- Find the women's center in your area. 
2- Go get some support and help there. Get into groups and things like that.
3- Have a sit down with your husband in the presence of a counselor (the will make sure the meeting stays on track and prevent chaos)
4- Tell your husband how you feel and his need to change and support your needs
5- Register for your first class. If you have to hold a garage sale or go work on Saturday in McDonalds just do it.
6- Work towards your goal and start loving yourself again


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