# Insoluble Situation



## Aphelion (Mar 30, 2021)

Hello everyone. I'm new here, and I've joined because I need strangers' perspective on my problem. I posted the following post on another forum (not a relationship forum), and I'm sorry if that seems lazy, but I don't think there is any point in me typing it anew. It's written in second person in an attempt to make it more relatable. I would be very grateful for any constructive feedback.


What would you do if your mother-in-law came to your house, her diddler accompanying her, and after a plethora of comments like:

"This house belongs to my daughter." (it belongs neither to your wife nor to you though, since you're renting it)

"This is my daughter's car." (you bought it together)

...and so on.

Then spends day after day and night after night trying to convince your wife that you are a junkie and that she should leave you.

Lies about being mortally ill in order to control her daughter (but your wife believes every lie that oozes out of her mouth).

Your wife sneaks about before you get up for work in order to take the car keys so your mother-in-law's diddler can drive them all around while you're at work the whole day. You can't force anyone to give you the keys back because you'll end up hurting someone and no one will believe your side of the story because you're a strong male and they're old and feeble. It's winter, and it's cold enough to freeze the snot running out your nose, yet you must trek the 6 km on foot in the predawn darkness while traffic whizzes dangerously close since there is no sidewalk. Then you need to spend 8 hrs doing physically demanding work, and trek back home through January twilight.

After a month or so of this, she and and your mother-in-law's diddler physically assault you when your wife is not there. You go to the police and tell the truth. They go to the police and lie. Your wife doesn't want to talk about it, because your wife is, as she claims, the real victim. Then when it pleases your mother-in-law, she goes home (which is in another country) and keeps feeding your wife venomous advice on how she should comport herself in marriage and what she should be doing and saying and thinking.

Eventually, after a couple of years and despite all of it, you get a kid, and your wife says that her mother is coming to visit. You're naturally against it. It happens anyway because, as per your wife's incredibly sound explanation that she has always been using: "She's my mother".

Your mother-in-law has arrived. She's handling your kid. Your stomach is churning. You avoid her completely so you don't risk seeing her mien (imagine a self-important, haughty, elongated equine face). You're helpless, because you're a man in a modern society and whatever you do will be condemned and whatever you say will be dismissed. The authorities cannot do anything as long as your wife allows her to stay. Your wife keeps saying: "She's my mother" as if it should be logical to the whole world that those words justify everything.

You have spent hours every day reading about all the minutiae of caring for a newborn, yet whatever you suggest to succour or soothe the crying babe is promptly dismissed with this provocative, rhetorical question: "How many children have you raised?" and the child gets taken to the other room where your wife and her mother forge decisions without you.

Your mother-in-law leaves yet again, and your wife spends 5 or 10 or 15 times a day with her on the phone, absorbing all the horrible guidelines to life. (Your mother-in-law can do everything in theory and is opinionated about every subject, although she's never actually done anything useful in her life nor is she actually capable of doing anything, and her opinions are stuff pulled out of her behind that have no merit whatsoever--sophistry without the clever part in the definition. She's always been relying on other people and twisted every form of help she had ever received to make it seem as if she's the resourceful one). Then you start noticing that your wife has started subtly alienating you from your kid, wanting to be the only one to feed him, and calling you only when she's tired or when some physical work needs doing. You feel it in your gut that your mother-in-law is responsible, since whenever you walk into the room, she's on a video call with her, drinking in the venom and showcasing your child to her. Your skin crawls because those eyes are pointed at your child. Then you remember that your child was in her arms and the contents of your last meal churn in your throat. Iridescent, painful hate roils in you, and you have no release.

You remember Raymond Carver and his story Little Things. You decide that you don't want to settle the matter in that way, so you're not contesting anything, since you cannot broach any subject with your wife without insults flying this way and that.

You're soon starting work, and your wife will stay at home, on leave from work, for about two years to care for the child. She wants to call her mother yet again to stay for an indefinite period of time, and you're, naturally, against it, but your being against it is not important.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd file for divorce and make damn sure I get 50% parenting time. Then I'd make sure to make sure I get right of first refusal for when the ex is busy or has plans. What I would not do is lay around being a sperm donor, ATM, and doormat for someone who is attached to the umbilical still and her insufferable mother.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Aphelion said:


> What would you do if your mother-in-law came to your house, her diddler accompanying her...


If the diddler wasn’t my father then I’d be kind of shocked and I’d let my father know a weird man or woman was diddling my mom.




Aphelion said:


> Then spends day after day and night after night trying to convince your wife that you are a junkie and that she should leave you.


That depends on if you are a junkie or not.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Divorce.... and more divorce.

You really screwed up bad having a kid with her. You knew it was garbage already.... that’s on you.

Did I mention the part about getting a divorce???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Am I the only one who had no idea what a diddler was?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I the only one who had no idea what a diddler was?


Diddler on the roof?

Anyone?

<crickets>


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I the only one who had no idea what a diddler was?


Me neither. I have not idea, but I can tell that if the OP is not a junkie, at least he seems to be a wimp of a man for putting up with the MIL.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I don't know what the diddlers capabilities are but it sounds like your MIL needs a good f-ing and she may be taking pot shots at you because you won't give her one. When wifey and the diddler are not around, ask your MIL if she's as good in the sack as her daughter. Just service the old bag and her attitude about you will change.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg why did you have a child with her? You should have never married her let alone had a child with her.

Why are so many so called adults, so enmeshed with their parents? It's sad - and sick.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Am I the only one who had no idea what a diddler was?


Yep.

Oops, I notice another Floridian is also unfamiliar with the term.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you want to keep your wife, move several hours away from her mother. If she won't move, divorce her. Or just go ahead and divorce her. Your wife's allegiance has to be to you, not her mother.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His MIL lives in another country. I don't think he can move far enough to get away from her. He won't be divorcing, either.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Yep.
> 
> Oops, I notice another Floridian is also unfamiliar with the term.


So what’s it mean ?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> So what’s it mean ?


If you don't know what it means, Texas has gone to the dogs! OK, we'll assume you've spent a great deal of time under water and just came up for air. In this context, diddler would imply paramour, lover, boy toy etc. He may be introduced as her 'fiance' to save face. Fiance is usually employed when they're not married and have 5 kids trailing behind them.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> His MIL lives in another country. I don't think he can move far enough to get away from her. He won't be divorcing, either.


That depends. Assuming he's in Europe, "another country" could be close. The point remains. Move far enough away that it's too expensive for her to travel. There's no way I would tolerate this level of disrespect from anyone in my home.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> He won't be divorcing, either.


How do you know?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> If you don't know what it means, Texas has gone to the dogs! OK, we'll assume you've spent a great deal of time under water and just came up for air. In this context, diddler would imply paramour, lover, boy toy etc. He may be introduced as her 'fiance' to save face. Fiance is usually employed when they're not married and have 5 kids trailing behind them.


You have to forgive me as I’m originally from south Louisiana 🤣🤣🤣


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sfort said:


> How do you know?


Because if you hang out here long enough it becomes pretty clear what people will do after reading a few of their post. You can pick out who is going to lay down and who is going to stand up.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Because if you hang out here long enough it becomes pretty clear what people will do after reading a few of their post. You can pick out who is going to lay down and who is going to stand up.


Ah. I don't have that prescience here. That does bring up an interesting question, though. If "we" already know how it ends, why engage in the discussion?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I didn't know what a diddler was either but surmised lover from the context. 

@Aphelion by your use of km I'm guessing you are not American. That may have some bearing. I'm not sure. 

When you marry, you must sperate from your family of origin (your parents). Both spouses have to do this but your wife never has. After that 1st incident with the car keys & forcing you to walk to work, I would have expected my wife to create better boundaries with her mother. After the physical violence by the mother & the mother's diddler resulting in police action, I would have been out the door to divorce court if my spouse didn't side with me & ban the mother. The fact that your wife allowed her mother to be violent against her husband was too much. 

Instead you carried on & brought a child into this terrible half marriage. Your wife remains firmly under her mother's thumb. After all this time that will never change. The dynamic should have been corrected early on in your marriage. Since it was not, you are stuck with it. 

So accept that this is it or divorce but you can't expect change now. It's too late.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Ah. I don't have that prescience here. That does bring up an interesting question, though. If "we" already know how it ends, *why engage in the discussion?*


Because once in a blue moon someone might realize how they are being perceived by not only strangers but, also their spouse and it will spur them to be proactive in solving their problem rather than sitting back and letting it beat them down.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I don't know what the diddlers capabilities are but it sounds like your MIL needs a good f-ing and she may be taking pot shots at you because you won't give her one. When wifey and the diddler are not around, ask your MIL if she's as good in the sack as her daughter. Just service the old bag and her attitude about you will change.


Laying with the Devil is a bad idea.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You do not need to display violence against any interfering person in your life.

Just leave them. 

Abandon them to their own miserable pool of acrid phlegm.


_Are Dee-_


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## Aphelion (Mar 30, 2021)

I see there's some confusion. I'll try to clarify.

-No, I'm not a junkie.

-The diddler is my wife's motherf*****. He's not really that important. A drooling slave is what he is. My wife's father was lucky enough to have died a long time ago.

-Those saying that it's my own fault for having a child, I know. But it's done. Should've, would've, could've doesn't help me.

-Those saying I should get a divorce, it wouldn't go in my favour at all. If I get a divorce, I'll see my child at best over the weekends and pay alimony through the nose. I'd pay so much alimony that I'd be lucky enough to rent a basement, let alone pay the bills and have enough for food and gas to get to work. Eventually, since my kid would be spending most of the time with my wife and her mother, I'd just become some outsider who gives him money, and I'd never stand a chance of having his love and him having any notion of me loving him.

-We live in Germany. The mother-in-law is several borders away, namely 1200 km. Travel is not a problem, since she's getting money from my wife on a regular basis, because my wife believes that she owes her since the mother raised her and all that malarkey. I can't even imagine looking at my kid as a future investment.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I guess I'm missing the point of you wanting anyone else's perspective on this, since you can't divorce her. I guess all you can do is suck it up. Sounds like Germany's divorce settlements are downright Draconian. 

From my perspective, it boils down to whether or not you can stomach living in a basement and seeing your child on weekends. If not, learn to survive. I guess you could stand up to your wife and draw a line in the sand. It may work, it may not. JMO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Then I guess you learn to live with that which you cannot change.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> If you don't know what it means, Texas has gone to the dogs! OK, we'll assume you've spent a great deal of time under water and just came up for air. In this context, diddler would imply paramour, lover, boy toy etc. He may be introduced as her 'fiance' to save face. Fiance is usually employed when they're not married and have 5 kids trailing behind them.


We use the term when speaking of paedophiles and child sex offenders. "He was diddling the little girl" or "She was diddling one of her students"


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