# Stuck between my career and my marriage



## kevinrs1982 (Nov 14, 2012)

So I am in a dilema where I gave up my career to move closer to me and m wifes family.

The problem is that there is no jobs in my field around where I live.

The closest commute would be a hour and fourty five minutes away which is too far away.

She will not move away since she has a support system here and I am not happy with the work I have found here and I am not getting paid nearly what I am worth.

So do I just suck it up and give up my career I worked so hard to build up over the years or do I give her a ultimatum.


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

Does your wife work in the area you are currently living in?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My guess is moving back home wasn't quite what you bargained for. She got her way and you aren't appreciated for the huge sacrifice you made. 

This isn't about money.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think that jobs are to make your personal life better.
The question is, what arrangment gives your "family" the best personal life in the present and future?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I think that jobs are to make your personal life better.


I don't know that this is true for a lot people. Many of us (I include myself) want a job that challenges us and pays us what we are worth. We want to spend that 40 hours a week doing something we think is worthwhile.



> The question is, what arrangment gives your "family" the best personal life in the present and future?


He is part of his family. The issues that make his quality of life good need to also be included.

To the OP, a couple of quick questions:

What type of acknowledgement has she given to your sacrifice? 
What has it meant monetarily as well as time wise to your family? 
How long have you been in this situation?
How much have you been accepted into your wife's support system?
What type of support system have you developed independent of you wife?


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Commute on the weekends? That's what my husband is doing right now. It sucks--but he wasn't getting anything in his field here. He takes a bus back at forth so he doesn't have to drive.
Our situation is a little different--he had a job here when we moved here and I committed to being the support system for an aging parent, then he got laid off. There's no other option for my parent than a facility or caretaker at home.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Kevin,

While your intent was noble I fear the ramifications may be far reaching. After we were married around six years and had two little ones I was feeling smothered by my wife's connection to her family and old life. I got transferred about 600 miles away and that adventure solidified our marriage and family. I do not think we would have made it if we stayed the status quo.

I suggest you find the job in the city 90 minutes away, find a room to rent, coming home on the weekends. This is going to be complex but there has to be some compromise on the both parts. Your wife needs to make you her first priority as well. No ultimatums at this point but you need to let her know she needs to be considering the compromise as well and start thinking out of the box.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

kevinrs1982 said:


> So I am in a dilema where I gave up my career to move closer to me and m wifes family.
> 
> The problem is that there is no jobs in my field around where I live.
> 
> ...


What is your line of work if you don't mind sharing it? I too made a move that would put my wife closer to her family; however, the both of us recognized early on that the top priority is to ensure that I am able to have a good job so that I can support my family first and foremost. I in turn took the opportunity to make the move - but still within my career choice - once I had another job lined up. 

Are your kids that bothersome to you that your wife MUST be close to family in order to have that support system? If you don't have kids, then I'd be pi$$ed if I were you quite frankly. Even if you do have kids but none of them have any special needs then I'd be resentful of her if your career choice was taken away from you and you are doing a job that you hate.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RClawson said:


> Kevin,
> 
> While your intent was noble I fear the ramifications may be far reaching. After we were married around six years and had two little ones I was feeling smothered by my wife's connection to her family and old life. I got transferred about 600 miles away and that adventure solidified our marriage and family. I do not think we would have made it if we stayed the status quo.


I talked to the wife of a friend who said the exact same thing, and it was her family and friends that they moved away from. She said the best thing for her marriage was getting away for 3-4 years so that the two of them could work on themselves. Before that, she admitted it was just two easy to escape to family and friends when things got tough. They then moved back, and worked to set up healthy boundaries. Obviously, everyone is different, but it can be healthy to get some separation from family for a time.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I talked to the wife of a friend who said the exact same thing, and it was her family and friends that they moved away from. She said the best thing for her marriage was getting away for 3-4 years so that the two of them could work on themselves. Before that, she admitted it was just two easy to escape to family and friends when things got tough. They then moved back, and worked to set up healthy boundaries. Obviously, everyone is different, but it can be healthy to get some separation from family for a time.


What was funny was when I was transferred back to the general area my wife insisted we live further away. "We need to live somewhere where it is convenient to us if we want to visit but inconvenient to them if the want to visit us". The magic number was 70 miles away and it worked perfectly.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I did something vaguely similar... Although it was mostly a mistake on my part... I quit a job that was bad for my health (still have the effects of it, though not as bad as they used to be) to go back to school... This was back in 2000. I did go back to school, to get the only 2 year degree I thought was worthwhile and I had interest in. Well, by the time the first year was up, I had found out that nobody wanted AS degree people. No jobs for you. If you wanted to do what I did, you HAD to have a 4 year degree. No way to get one here locally and no employment to be had in my area of specialty. I changed my curriculum to obtain the greatest benefit to me, and never finished the degree. 

I put that knowledge to work in my own business, but it still doesn't make a lot of money. 

The wife now resents ALL of it. But she didn't want us to move from here, either, nor me to go off somewhere else to go to school... Basically, her wants had nothing to do with my benefit, or even OUR benefit. 

And she resents the outcome. 

And will not accept ANY responsibility for me compromising to honor what she wanted. It's still all my fault. Don't make the same mistake. Your wife will forget completely what the reasoning is, or the 'why', or even that it is all on her shoulders that you moved away from opportunity. But she WILL blame you for the outcome if you end up in a financial bind.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't know that this is true for a lot people. Many of us (I include myself) want a job that challenges us and pays us what we are worth. We want to spend that 40 hours a week doing something we think is worthwhile.


For sure. I would rather make $15/h doing something meaningful than $25/h doing something I hate. I've had sucky jobs before and it affects everything. One of my friends is around the $70k/yr range at a job he hates, and I can see how much it destroys his spirit. He hasn't been happy since working there, and he has been there for several years.


If absolutely forced to pick one or the other, I would pick career. I remember being happy when I was single and working at a job I liked. I have never been happy doing a job I hate; all other things going on in my life had no impact on this. I could have perfect friends and perfect relationships and life would still suck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If the job is 1.75 hours from your wife's friends/family then tell her that SHE needs to split the difference with you. Move an HOUR away from her family. You will still have a 45 minute commute daily (but where I live, that is considered par for the course).

If she is UNWILLING to move to within a REASONABLE distance from YOUR job, then tell her she is choosing her family-of-origin over your marital family. Ask her if THAT is what she REALLY wants to do. You'll have your answer.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't know that this is true for a lot people. Many of us (I include myself) want a job that challenges us and pays us what we are worth. We want to spend that 40 hours a week doing something we think is worthwhile.


Having a job doing something that you feel is worthwhile does help your personal life. It's a source of fulfillment and pride that allows you to be the kind of person at home your family wants to be around. I've been in bad jobs before that didn't fulfill me intellectually or financially, and my family paid a price for it.


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## LookingForHelpwithTakeTwo (Nov 4, 2012)

Kevin rus

I don't know anything and am not successful at relationship or hjob - yet i am divorced - yet they give me more and more work at job ( is that success or failure?)

my humble advice to you my friend is find a job that you can do and do it well - disregard every other advice- do that job - be a man - do what a man does - which is his job- that will allow you to answer other questions.

Tommy


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If the job is 1.75 hours from your wife's friends/family then tell her that SHE needs to split the difference with you. Move an HOUR away from her family. You will still have a 45 minute commute daily (but where I live, that is considered par for the course).
> 
> If she is UNWILLING to move to within a REASONABLE distance from YOUR job, then tell her she is choosing her family-of-origin over your marital family. Ask her if THAT is what she REALLY wants to do. You'll have your answer.


:iagree:

We also need to know, OP, if your W works or if you are the sole breadwinner. If you are, your W should realize that you need to live nearer to where you are able to work. Either way, she needs to compromise.


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