# How do you ever live up to the ow??



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hermes (Oct 8, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You dont. You cant. Trying to compete with her is a useless waste of your energy. 

You are reality. She is fantasy.

Unless he wants to be in reality, there is nothing that you can/should do to force him. 

What message does competing with her give your husband? Why should he stop seeing her if he can see her and have you fighting for him too? It shows weakness on your part. It shows that you are ok being treated like this. 

With that in mind, affairs are usually about something other than sex. What needs is he getting met with her that you are not meeting?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She can't live up to you. You bore his children. He married you. You're the one who (presumably) cared for him and/or his kids when one or all were sick. You are his financial partner. You have been his confidant and shrink. There is no serious competition. Her female parts are no more magical than your's. You both look exactly the same in the dark. If they were honestly polled, I suspect a majority of cheating men would say they stepped out of their marriage because they felt disrespected, devalued, or neglected and not because one woman was any prettier or sexier than the other.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ultimately, even cheaters have to live in reality.

The reality is that you have a lot to offer. You are an excellent mother and a great wife. You took vows with him and have been through life's ups and downs. You provide a loving stable home and a loving stable relationship. And you still are "fun" and "seductive," just not when you've been up all night with a sick child.

You are referring only to the sexual side of things - "seductiveness" and being "fun" - if these things are so important to your husband, than he doesn't belong in a marriage with children. He should be unmarried and childless. Because when you decide to get married and you decide to have children, some of that "fun" and "seductiveness" is replaced with a screaming baby at 2 am and changing diapers and everything else that goes along with it, and also with the joy of watching your children grow and being there for them.

So, in that sense, his affair is with other woman is a fantasy, because if your husband was with other woman and decided to marry her and have children with her, than he would be in the same spot he is with you now.

What may be attractive to him is that he can have other woman on the side for "fun" and you at home to take care of that part of his life. That is called cake-eating, and you should put a stop to it if that's what's going on.

Is his affair still ongoing? Does he still see or talk to the other woman?


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Ultimately, even cheaters have to live in reality.
> 
> The reality is that you have a lot to offer. You are an excellent mother and a great wife. You took vows with him and have been through life's ups and downs. You provide a loving stable home and a loving stable relationship. And you still are "fun" and "seductive," just not when you've been up all night with a sick child.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The same thing applies for the guys. How do you match up to the guy that did not fall a sleep on the sofa. Was he bigger, better last longer. As a BS we all have the same problems here.

It is a tough thing to work on but it does heal with time. I am better about this stuff a year later. Just remember he is still with you and not her. Do not compete it will drive you nuts.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

Who knows what her "reality" is like. Yeah, i'm sure she seemed great, as she put her best foot forward, but her reality might show a different person!

Heck, i worked in a night club for years (waitress). dimly lit club....and the girls all wore makeup. They looked fantastic! But see some of them out in the REAL world, without and in some cases even with makeup, and OH MAH GAWD!!! it was just a HUGE contrast, and in some cases shocking! But, that was their reality.....you know? 
So, who knows.....in the "FOG" she may be a fantastic person, but step out in to the light of reality, and she's a troll.

Besides, he married YOUR reality, and he knew he wanted you and loved you then. He just couldnt see very well in the Fog.

hope that helps


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

You have already had some fantastic responses but here is my 2 cents worth....BTW I am about 7 months past Dday.

I used to say my wife had a vacation once a week, how do you compete with that. How do you compete with a house with no kids, bills, problems, responsibilities etc...HOW?

Thing is you don't. You two are different people, offering different things. You offer stability, family, love, a history and so much more. the OW offers a fantasy life, no history, no family, no stability and the biggie, shes a woman who would have an affair with a married man she's simply NOT ALL that and your husband knows it.

You are reality, his wife, the mother of his children. You are the real deal, not some fantasy...I have learned that even fantasies get old and boring after a while. That they even, after a while, seem empty and void of life. 

You may be reality, you may come with kids, bills, problems but that's life, that's what it's all about, that's REAL. A marriage is real and an affair is fake, it's lies and deception, deep down it doesn't feel good to them.

The WS's push down the bad, the wrong that it is but it seeps back up over time, it starts eating at them and they know what they are doing is wrong and deceitful, our therapist says deep down they are not happy, they are not content like they can be in a marriage.

You can give, along with many other things, peace and contentment, happiness, joy and security. An affair can't do that in the long run, it just can't.

Your not in a competition, there is no race. This is life, marriage and reality. IT's just you two, not you three. 

I am going out on a limb and saying I bet he wishes it never happened, I bet he wished it was just a bad dream. In saying that, he does want you, not her, he does choose life with you not the fantasy with her. So, it couldn't have been that good.

Remember again...YOU are not in a competition here. You are in a marriage. Comparing will get better over time if that's what you are doing a lot of now. It's hard, I KNOW, but it will get better. Try to stop looking back, focus on the today and tomorrow. 

I'll leave you with something someone on here said to me a while back:
"You can't go forward if your always looking backwards" 

You want to move forward right? you want happiness right?
Focus on what you have now and what you will have tomorrow.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You'll have just as much success in asking yourself 
"what did *I* do that _forced_ them to cheat."


Plain and simple, it's the wrong question to ask.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

This is something we all struggle with, because it is part of the damage that is caused to our sefl esteem. I am 1 year post d-day and trynig to firgure out if I want to forgive him and try to work on things. Some times i think I will and some times I just cannot, but one thing that was said to me by my sister in law during my most painful time was this (granted he broke it off with her pretty soon after being caught) - "She was such a piece of crap that was not even good enough as a mistress".

If your husband left her already, try and focus on that. She was not even good enough for him to continue with her. Also, think about this (and this was told to me by my husband) - after all the stupidity has come and gone, who wants to be with a woman who is capabale of going so low (granted I come from a Latin country where women are supposed to be perfect ladys and on my case she pursued him for quite some time before.)


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> You have already had some fantastic responses but here is my 2 cents worth....BTW I am about 7 months past Dday.
> 
> I used to say my wife had a vacation once a week, how do you compete with that. How do you compete with a house with no kids, bills, problems, responsibilities etc...HOW?
> 
> ...



Thank u for the responses. To answer some of the questions - he demanded a transfer immediately when everything exploded. Unfortunately we all work for the same company so there has been a time he had a meeting and saw she (he claimed he put his head down as she walked pass him and supposedly no words where spoken!) 
He has said to me, friends and family that this was his biggest regret in life and if he could go back in time he would never do it. He does try but I'm having a very difficult time. I was the fool how was always the "good girl". I always played by the rules and he was the only person I've been with. It's devastating as I really thought we had something special - that I was something special. It's painful as I don't understand how he could live 2 separate lives - I don't understand how she knew about me and still did it. I don't understand how she could buy my boys presents and talk to me and when she hung up sleep with my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

cattiva said:


> Thank u for the responses. To answer some of the questions - he demanded a transfer immediately when everything exploded. Unfortunately we all work for the same company so there has been a time he had a meeting and saw she (he claimed he put his head down as she walked pass him and supposedly no words where spoken!)
> He has said to me, friends and family that this was his biggest regret in life and if he could go back in time he would never do it. He does try but I'm having a very difficult time. I was the fool how was always the "good girl". I always played by the rules and he was the only person I've been with. It's devastating as I really thought we had something special - that I was something special. It's painful as I don't understand how he could live 2 separate lives - I don't understand how she knew about me and still did it. I don't understand how she could buy my boys presents and talk to me and when she hung up sleep with my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, my WW told me and our family the same thing...
only to break NC with the OM 8 months later.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> The WS's push down the bad, the wrong that it is but it seeps back up over time, it starts eating at them and they know what they are doing is wrong and deceitful, our therapist says deep down they are not happy, they are not content like they can be in a marriage.
> 
> I am going out on a limb and saying I bet he wishes it never happened, I bet he wished it was just a bad dream. In saying that, he does want you, not her, he does choose life with you not the fantasy with her. So, it couldn't have been that good.


:iagree:
my wife tells me this all the time.
thing is, as their affair went on, and time went by, she says that their interactions became "routine", and started to lose that sparkle and soulmate crap and all that sh!t.
and she started to understand what kind of person she had become. and after our daughter was born, she would see how i had made this TOTAL 180 in the way i acted and the character i displayed and who becoming a father had made me. but she also said, "i just chose not to see it, i didnt want to see it". why?
because YOU CANT COMPETE with nothing but sex and "i love you's". thats easy. dirty diapers, all nighters with sick kids, bills, dirty bathrooms and farts, they just cant compare to an affair. reality is, well...REALITY. and it is much harder than a fantasy.
so why beat yourself up over it?
i got by wanting to compare myself to OM in every way by doing what i wanted and feeling better about MYSELF. and basically, by telling myself until i KNEW it that i was a better man, because i didnt wreck two families for some strange.
once i finally understood that, there was no comaprison to be made.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Although, I didn't know i was competing with OW 10 years younger than I, for all of 8 years,, I had naturally started to take better care of myself...lost over 28 lbs (once I hit 40). Started eating to live rather than living to eat. I wasn't grossly obese but it felt great to be in my own skin after the healthy lifestyle changes. Even if she is soo beautiful, sexy etc. the only thing she doesn't have that I do, is quality of character...she can't buy it, borrow it or steal it...she's trash and she knows it, I know it, my husband knows it and 6,500 people know it on cheaterville. Chin up babe, get your groove thing back on 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Hermes said:


> You dont. You cant. Trying to compete with her is a useless waste of your energy.
> 
> You are reality. She is fantasy.
> 
> ...


To Hermes: BTW, I agree that it's a useless waste of energy to compare the self with the OW but this question is valid and a reality for all BSs, even a rite of passage. WSs cannot be forced to do anything they do not want to do...their choice to betray is proof of that. I don't believe cattiva is weak for posting this question, it was forced upon her and the rest of us. Affairs may be about more than sex but did you think that because the WS strayed needing to have their "needs met", that the BS's needs were being met in the marriage (& that's why they did not stray)? Give me a break, stop the blaming and the guilt trip as if it's the BSs fault why the WS had to have an affair. That's adding insult to injury, the rapist saying the woman made him do it. The government offers divorce when a marriage gets that bad. The "needs met" responsibility in marriage is 50 - 50.

After DDay, even sitting across from him in a restaurant, I could not see myself in his eyes. Two years later and it's still a struggle. I had to see me in my own eyes to continue healing, with or without him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just by being yourself. My wife had an affair and I eventually drifted into a revenge affair *with a woman who was nowhere near as attractive as my wife*.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? _Posted via Mobile Device_


maybe you'll feel slightly better if you change the wording of your question hows about "how do i ever live DOWN to her", she's a piece of crap, do you want to be that - No. In my case, do i really want to put on 3 stone (3 x 14 pounds) so i can also be a fat ba57ard, no thanks, i'll leave that to POSOM.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are also the mother of his kids, the woman he married and the one that makes his house a home. She will never be that. She can never walk in your shoes.

The sad part is they think they want your man....until there is child support, farting in bed, unwashed laundry and dishes and all the bills to go with it.


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## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> You are also the mother of his kids, the woman he married and the one that makes his house a home. She will never be that. She can never walk in your shoes.
> 
> The sad part is they think they want your man....until there is child support, farting in bed, unwashed laundry and dishes and all the bills to go with it.


I understand everything everyone is saying - yes I know I'm the better person - that's without a doubt My question is physically - on that seduction level. No matter how I change ill never have the ass and legs she does. She has time to go and work out- I've got responsibilities Everything I've heard is she was always dressed in the Lacey boy shorts - always left her high heels on and I'm here. I'm scared that ill never match her on the seduction level- on that excitement level. It's always just me. I'm vanilla. 
I'm the sensible shoes and she's the high heels!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Why would you want to?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

cattiva said:


> How do you ever live up to her? She's the all inclusive resort and I'm reality - I'm the house the kids the bills! She's the fun seductive woman - I'm the mom taking my son to hockey practice. No matter what I do - I'm never going to be her. No matter what - ill never have her body frame - were both extremely small but completely different frames. He claims there's nothing he wants of her - but how can u not want the all inclusive?? No matter what I'm always reality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's like that for any AP, male or female. That's why it's called the affair fog. It is a total fantasy. It's very rare that the AP can live up to the fantasy - which is why affairs, once exposed, usually die. 

You can never compete with a fantasy so it's best not to even try. Just try to move on, and when reality hits the WS - just be in a position where you don't care anymore and you're in the driver's seat.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

cattiva said:


> I understand everything everyone is saying - yes I know I'm the better person - that's without a doubt My question is physically - on that seduction level. No matter how I change ill never have the ass and legs she does. She has time to go and work out- I've got responsibilities Everything I've heard is she was always dressed in the Lacey boy shorts - always left her high heels on and I'm here. I'm scared that ill never match her on the seduction level- on that excitement level. It's always just me. I'm vanilla.
> I'm the sensible shoes and she's the high heels!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



There is nothing wrong with you, it's your husband's problem. If your spouse is that superficial, then maybe you're better off without him. Also remember - you got your husband in his PRIME. She is getting the leftovers.


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