# Contact with his ex



## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

Hey all, I have posted on here before regarding my long term partner's sometimes contact with an ex. She was and still is married. I had terrible upset when I discovered he was in contact with her via text (that I know about) in the past some of which were inappropriate texts. Long story short we had a huge blow up about it and I left. after strong assurances from him that there was nothing going on and wouldnt be I took him back.. We have gotten on wonderfully since then and he moved to my hometown far away from where she lives. (He goes back there periodically to see his daughters and for business).
There was no contact for a long time then she mailed him while on vacation asking how he was and the emails were innocent as friends. Then, the last reply I found from him to her, he told her he had gotten back with me and had moved to be with me. Actually, the content of that last email went along the lines of..." She left me, (mostly because of you and contact with you), there have been an ever increasing number of single women becoming problematic and it was not what I wanted and I didnt want to be on my own so I took the dogs and moved over to be with her. I come back periodically to see my daughters. ".... You can imagine my deep disappointment and upset that he seemed to be saying he only moved because he didtn want to be on his own when the truth is (and she would figure this out), was that he loved me and made the huge committment of moving to be with me. Now, the problem I have is that we both need to move back to his country (different area) for our work and I am so torn... I love him deeply, and I know he does me, but I simply cant get out of my head that she is still lurking in the background and i will never know if he still has contact of meets up with her. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?? He emphatically says there is nothing between them and isn't it mature to be able to be civil if he happened to bump into her? (which I dont have a problem with if it was purely 'bumping into'). I am so confused as we have the most fantastic relationship and he clearly demonstrates he loves and cares for me deeply...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does he have children with her, or with someone else?

C


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## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

Hi, No,(he has two grown up daughters with his ex wife), this was a woman he was seeing before..


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## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

sorry, to add, this was a (also married) woman he was seeing during his marriage..dysfunctional he was unhappily married and his wife was also seeing someone..!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

He sounds very dysfunctional! Frankly I would tell him to break off all contact with her; period. No if ands or buts. Either he is in a relationship with you or her, but not both. If you don't stand up for your self you will wind up in a situation like his ex wife.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

sindydee09 said:


> sorry, to add, this was a (also married) woman he was seeing during his marriage..dysfunctional he was unhappily married and his wife was also seeing someone..!


If you marry man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to man who cheats on his wife.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sindydee09 said:


> I didnt want to be on my own so I took the dogs and moved over to be with her.


My question. Who is he likely to be more honest with; you or her?

Either he doesn't want to tell her he moved back with you for love; because he's keeping the door open for her.

Or, he was honest with her and moved back with you only for the convenience.

Either way - not good.

There's no reason for them to have any contact. That's a boundary that he has to accept. If he doesn't, divorce him. Continue to monitor him if he agrees.

As for as his tepid reasoning to her about moving back with you; I hope all his actions toward you suggest otherwise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sindydee09 said:


> sorry, to add, this was a (also married) woman he was seeing during his marriage..dysfunctional he was unhappily married and his wife was also seeing someone..!


Really? :redcard: him.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

sindydee09 said:


> Hey all, I have posted on here before regarding my long term partner's sometimes contact with an ex. She was and still is married. I had terrible upset when I discovered he was in contact with her via text (that I know about) in the past some of which were inappropriate texts. Long story short we had a huge blow up about it and I left. after strong assurances from him that there was nothing going on and wouldnt be I took him back.. We have gotten on wonderfully since then and he moved to my hometown far away from where she lives. (He goes back there periodically to see his daughters and for business).
> There was no contact for a long time then she mailed him while on vacation asking how he was and the emails were innocent as friends. Then, the last reply I found from him to her, he told her he had gotten back with me and had moved to be with me. Actually, the content of that last email went along the lines of..." She left me, (mostly because of you and contact with you), there have been an ever increasing number of single women becoming problematic and it was not what I wanted and I didnt want to be on my own so I took the dogs and moved over to be with her. I come back periodically to see my daughters. ".... You can imagine my deep disappointment and upset that he seemed to be saying he only moved because he didtn want to be on his own when the truth is (and she would figure this out), was that he loved me and made the huge committment of moving to be with me. Now, the problem I have is that we both need to move back to his country (different area) for our work and I am so torn... I love him deeply, and I know he does me, but I simply cant get out of my head that she is still lurking in the background and i will never know if he still has contact of meets up with her. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?? He emphatically says there is nothing between them and isn't it mature to be able to be civil if he happened to bump into her? (which I dont have a problem with if it was purely 'bumping into'). I am so confused as we have the most fantastic relationship and he clearly demonstrates he loves and cares for me deeply...


Unless it's the ex he has kids with (sounds like not), there is no reason for them to be in contact. Outside of monitoring or being with him 24-7, there's no way for you to know what he's up to at any given moment. Even with a keylogger installed on a personal PC, he could take it further underground and never access certain things on that PC. Particularly if he's suspicious of any possible monitoring. 

If you have to ask if you should give him the benefit of the doubt.....that pretty much answers your question right there.


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Give the poor guy a break!

He is just keeping his options open in case he feels like cheating.

He was able to cheat on his wife with this woman. She was OK with it knowing he was married, and he was OK with it knowing she was married. Nothing is different now, except now he's not married, only in a committed relationship. I don't think it will bother her, and I'm pretty sure it won't bother him.

Proven fact, neither of them has a problem with cheating.

Anyway, it's always nice to have options, you know, in case things don't work out. That's all, no big deal.

Why does he say he stays in contact with her? Just good friends? Who say inappropriate things to each other? Does he do that with all of his friends, or just this one?


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## dykdeuykdek (Jul 9, 2014)

szfgnhjanhawoinkls yhjdstyketyk


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## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

Thank you all so much for your replies and input..I take on board everything you say and know that I need one more conversation with him wherby I ask him to respect that boundary of zero contact with her and if he can't give me that promise and assurance I am afraid I will lose the man I love because I could not live with that shadow lurking in the background, thank you again for your help


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

I really dont' think it matter is if he was unhappily married or not. He should not be cheating on someone when he's married.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sindydee09 said:


> You can imagine my deep disappointment and upset that he seemed to be saying he only moved because he didtn want to be on his own *when the truth is (and she would figure this out), was that he loved me* and made the huge committment of moving to be with me.


What makes you think that's the truth? What makes you think he wasn't telling her the truth and lying to you about loving you. He sounds like a text book "can't be alone" person. They're a dime a dozen and I'd don't understand why you think he would be lying to her. To what end? If anything it's FAR more likely he's lying to you and using you. You really seem to be in some hardcore denial.



sindydee09 said:


> I love him deeply, and I know he does me, but I simply cant get out of my head that she is still lurking in the background and i will never know if he still has contact of meets up with her.


I believe you do love him deeply. More than he loves you for sure. Do you love him so much that you are willing to be his doormat? Or worse the penis police, monitoring him 24/7, looking over your shoulder the rest of your life? Cause short of that he will cheat on you the minute you let your guard down. Don't be a fool.



sindydee09 said:


> Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?? He emphatically says there is nothing between them and isn't it mature to be able to be civil if he happened to bump into her? (which I dont have a problem with if it was purely 'bumping into').


Benefit of the doubt???? HELL NO! You should be on high alert right now. VAR in the car, key logger on the computer, gps tracker, cell phone monitoring etc. If nothing else you should a least have your bags backed and an attorney on retainer so you don't waste anytime dumping this loser. It's not a question of IF with this guy, it's WHEN he cheats on you. You can bet the farm on that.



sindydee09 said:


> I am so confused as we have the most fantastic relationship and he clearly demonstrates he loves and cares for me deeply...


How by lying to you??? Listen to me carefully. YOU DO NOT LIE AND HIDE THINGS FROM PEOPLE YOU CARE FOR DEEPLY. Period. End of story. There is no gray area here. He's a selfish man who loves himself more than you.



sindydee09 said:


> sorry, to add, this was a (also married) woman he was seeing during his marriage..dysfunctional he was unhappily married and his wife was also seeing someone..!


Yeah..... that means this ain't his first rodeo and he would have no problem cheating on you too. All the prior guilt from being a cheat is long gone. This is as comfortable for him as putting on a T-shirt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sindydee09 said:


> sorry, to add, this was a (also married) woman he was seeing during his marriage..dysfunctional he was unhappily married and his wife was also seeing someone..!


So this is the same woman he cheated on his wife with? 

if that is the case, it seems they have had a lon emotional affair spanning years, even before you. You say he's a long-term partner so this kind of seems like he has had some kind of relationship with her for a long long time.


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## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

yes,the married woman(still married-wouldn't leave her husband for him all those years ago). He has moved here to my country so obviously cant see her physically.. And we are due to relocate back to his country to a different area far from where she us in 4 months. It is a big move for me and no matter how much he reassures me i am not sure how i resolve in my own head all of it,even if he genuinely doesn't have contact with her again...i need to have another difficult conversation. He desperately wants me to move with him and says he so wants to be with be,spend the rest of his life with me etc awful situation...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sindydee09 (Apr 15, 2014)

if he makes an absolute promise that he will have no contact then I may try the move with him,if he says I am "trying to control him/tell him what to do" then I simply won't be making the move..thx all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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