# She wants out and somethings' fishy



## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

My wife and I of ten years just seperated. She wanted it , I begged for mercy( WTF do men do this?), didnt work to say the least . After a few days, cooler heads prevailed and I agreed that its a good idea. I even helped her find a place to rent. She agreed to go to marriage counceling and says she'll try but that she doesnt have much hope. 


Some background. Info.. Sorry its so long. My wife suffers from depression. First, Post partum depression, then four years ago she got mono(at 36), bed ridden for months, couldnt recuperate. Doctors believed it morphed into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She lost her job and then got severly depressed, borderline suicidal. She gained a bunch of weight, Finances got tight, laundry piled up ..stress, stress, stress! I had to burden the lions share of responsiblities. Half the time I was supportive the other half I was bitter and bummed out about the situation and I withdrew emotionally and physically. I thought about leaving her but wouldnt dare in her state. She wouldnt go to a mental health counselor, blaming it all on her CFS.. 

Then she started to write a book. ( shes a super talented and published writer) 

She seemed to start getting better and then destiny worked its magic wand. A well known agent heard her do a reading of her book and eventually wanted to be her agent. She was estatic! But this guy seemed to have alterior motives. We disscussed this at great length and she confronted him about it and told her that she loved her husband very much and that she was very loyal. Well.... They start working together alot and he eventually offered her a job as his asisstant. This guy is older..55 and married and supposedly a devout christian. I got to know him better and was assured that nothing was going on... yet. Meanwhile our relationship was going much better. Things seemed great.... then she went to NYC on a business trip with him and three other agents ( all women BTW) When she came home something was up. She was cold, and withdrawn.. I asked her several times what was going on, and no, no, just tired. Then...Bamo that weekend she says shes moving out. I immedietly brought up an affair and she swares to God, Budda and Pan that no, no, never , not a single solitary shred of attraction for this guy. OK.. it was more about my treatment of her during the rough years and that we've grown apart. 

I of course did the man trap thing and begged for forgiveness..didnt work but she did agree to marriage counceling.. I wanted to give her some time and space and I took our seven year old son a road trip for a week while she packed her things. We will be heading back home today and we are going to have a nice dinner and tell our baby that we're gonna try an experiment to see if Mommy and Daddy can get along better. 

Im really struggling right now on multiple levels.. Is she really having an affair? and if so then fine its over...I cant control that. But if its something I can do, I will do whatever it takes to save this. I believe she still loves me... Just a couple weeks ago it was a normal loving relationship. Now its just weird.. Updates to come. Any insights.?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

There are some obvious red flags I would say yes especially after the trip. Sorry.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The first task is to find out if she's cheating or not.

Lots of red flags, most importantly your gut. 

Place a voice activated recorder in her car if you can. 

Her moving out may make a PI necessary. 

If she is cheating, the MC is a waste.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would contact the guy's wife and see if she notices anything unusual also.


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## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

wow, Im not going there... hidden recorders? I trust her that she hasnt cheated yet , at least not physically. However, I am suspicious of her future plans.. I think they there might be a secret nod and a wink .. Ill leave mine and you leave yours.. We know his wife and they do have issues.... major red flags.... we'll see... Im gonna call her out on it calmly) in our first counseling session on tuesday? This is what I plan to say.. 

I want you to be happy whether its with me or someone else. You are the mother of my boy and if your happy you'll be a better mom. If you have plans to to be together with this guy then just let me know.. If you love him and not me ..it will kill me..but I will move on but I dont want to waste my time if this is really not about me. 

Its gonna be hard not to go bat**** crazy but I need to be mature about this. Well see!


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Do what you want but I wouldn't confront during MC. You will get the short end of the stick. Your case has too many red flags and concerns me. 

Cheaters lie. They will swear on their kids lives they didn't cheat.
I again suggest you go undercover by whatever means and find out. I am leaning that she has.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Fugged call the guy's wife and tell her of your concerns put a var in her car. Why would she change suddenly? I think you know the answer but do what you want.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> There are some obvious red flags I would say yes especially after the trip. Sorry.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Why don't you investigate a little this weekend see if she is there by herself. Before you waste money on mc you have to rule him or some other guy out just my opinion.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

fuggedup said:


> wow, Im not going there... hidden recorders? I trust her that she hasnt cheated yet , at least not physically.


She was away with this guy and acted differently when she came back. You're suspicious of her and what she "might" do, maybe even leave you for this guy.

Yes, hidden recorders. Or bury your head in the sand and hope for the best.

I know what I'd do. And it sure wouldn't be confronting her and insisting she tell you the truth. Because you ain't gonna get it. At least not until and unless she's ready to give it to you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Trust?

You have to be kidding us.

You trustee dher to not move out. So forget trust. In this case trust is latching onto drift wood while the ship sinks.

Why did you agree to a separation. Bad idea IMO.

Instigation
Isolation
Escalation

if you are not willing to do all that it takes to save the marriage then just move on.

Cheating is not just PIV sex. How do you know she did not just go with this guy? Seems very likely here. But PIV sex aside your wife has left you. This is not being faithful. This is her taking you out of the picture. So forget about trust.

Also realize that you are not just competing with a guy here. You are competing with her career.

Also she may have been planning this for a very long time. Once she realized she could make it on her own ... she was gone. So WAW perhaps.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The only chance you have is to show her you can move on and hand her divorce papers. You will have months before to stop the process if she gets out of the fog.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree. File papers and let her go.

Talk to the OMs wife and let her know that your wife left and that you are suspicious that they are having an affair.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I agree. File papers and let her go.
> 
> Talk to the OMs wife and let her know that your wife left and that you are suspicious that they are having an affair.


I'm sure you are in shock and this all sounds drastic but it really isn't. Again please go pi mode for some of the weekend I think you may get some answers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tom67 said:


> I'm sure you are in shock and this all sounds drastic but it really isn't. Again please go pi mode for some of the weekend I think you may get some answers.


Find out what you're up against.

This forum is - literally - filled with people who said he/she would never do that.

As soon as they dig a bit, they find differently.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say you trust her, yet on weekend trip with a guy who has a sexual interest in her, she cones home distant, and she's moving out.

Don't stick your head in the sand for the sake of your kid. Stop being a push over nice guy and investigate.


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## fuggedup (Jun 21, 2013)

I already went though all her texts and facebook messages... nothing.. I told her it would make it all alot easier if she just admitted to having an affair.. No... nothing.. When her boss found out thats what I thought he called right away and was vehement that nothing happened. 

Perhaps Im naive. But I actually believe nothing happened.Yet. Like I said previously.. there could be some alterior motives.. 

Im gonna do some more homework ...and a bit of surveillance... but really what difference is it gonna make? She left or cheated because I pushed her away... I had many thoughts of leaving myself and only really stayed for kids sake.

BTW i live in a no fault state.. it would make no difference as far as possessions/ custody etc..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about it. She ran right to her boss to tell him and he actually called you.

Kind of confirms it doesn't it?


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## OnlyTime (Jun 22, 2013)

Maybe she will become rich and famous and you can get mega alimony!...Going back to the depression, it was a lot to go through for you but she is your wife and you said 1/2 the time you were there for her and 1/2 the time angered...Maybe it should have been 90/10 with 90% for her but that is the past now...The biggest lie someone can say to themselves is 'she/he would never do that'..I was 100% sure my ex would 'never do that' but I was also 100% wrong...Like I said earlier, hopefully it is a best seller.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

fuggedup said:


> I already went though all her texts and facebook messages... nothing.. I told her it would make it all alot easier if she just admitted to having an affair..


Sure it would be easier, but it doesn't usually happen that way. Most cheaters don't confess, even when confronted with indisputable evidence. Most betrayed partners are certain their partner would never cheat on them. 



fuggedup said:


> No... nothing.. When her boss found out thats what I thought he called right away and was vehement that nothing happened.


That's rather odd that he called to defend himself, don't you think? An innocent guy would be more likely to either stay out of it, or be insulted that he would be accused of such a thing. 

_The quotation "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." comes from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, scene II, where it is spoken by Queen Gertrude, Hamlet's mother. The phrase has come to mean that one can "insist so passionately about something not being true that people suspect the opposite of what one is saying."_



fuggedup said:


> Perhaps Im naive. But I actually believe nothing happened.


It's more like "you're in denial" because you can't handle the consequences if it was the truth. It would change your life, and not for the better, so it's easier to say "nothing happened" then "my life is about to get very complicated".



fuggedup said:


> Im gonna do some more homework ...and a bit of surveillance... but really what difference is it gonna make? She left or cheated because I pushed her away


Well, if she didn't cheat, and nothing's going on, then it's business as usual, you can work on making things better and not pushing her away. If she cheated, and you know you can't accept that- you need the information so you can file for divorce. If you're one of those guys that would stay with a cheater because you're afraid to start your life all over again, well you still need to know because you probably want to try to get her to stop screwing the other guy. 



fuggedup said:


> i live in a no fault state.. it would make no difference as far as possessions/ custody etc..


That's true.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's kind of clear that she's chosen to give her emotional loyalty to the boss. What woman does that if she isn't also having sex with him?

Gita wonder what the bosses wife would feel about your suspicion about the trip?

Do you know for sure those other women actually went?


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## OnlyTime (Jun 22, 2013)

lenzi, you are correct in that cheaters don't confess no matter what. Heck my newly married ex is still denying they are sleeping together.:rofl:


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