# When does it stop...



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

When does the sick and nauseating feeling of being betrayed leave you alone?

When wil these visions of my "loving" wife and the other man leave my head?

When will the panic and shaking stop when I talk to her?

The loneliness is getting to me. Even though I was lonely with her as well.

When will the sun rise in the east again? Cause it hasnt for days.

Im tired of the darkness. I dont wanna fight anymore, but I know I cant give up. I have a responsibilty to my kids.

When will the lies stop? She lies about everything now.

Sorry, having a tough go of it today. Shoulda stayed in bed today. Im afraid if I stop, I wont get up again.

Im trying, but feel like Im just spinning my wheels.

So tired.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Push through it hun it does get better...but it does take time and it is very painful 

My thoughts are with you.
Rhea


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

it was a few years ago but i remember the day it stopped for me.

just before 6 am, another night of no sleep was ending.

i didn't have to get up but i could no longer stay in bed.

i got up and dressed. my wife woke up and asked where i was going. i told her i was going to where i could find peace.

i think my response shocked her because she said, 'you can find peace here'.

i told her no, i couldn't.

that was the day i reclaimed my life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Dark Angel, it does get better. For me it took six months for the pain to get bearable. However, I still have days were those thoughts come back. I still find myself having "flashes" and asking "why"--and it has been 15 months since my cheating spouse moved out. The best thing you can do now is do things to take your mind off of your situation while your heart heals. Spend time with family and friends, find hobbies, read, etc.

Here's a big HUG for you!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Betrayal will stay with you a long time emotionally. I believe it gets better as far as a person coping with it but it does not leave a person emotionally.
Far as lonliness, some lonliness is just part of the human condition and must be dealt with from the aspect some is a part of life.

If your with someone who lies all the time, it really is time to break up and move on. No one can live like that. Like the saying goes with friends like that who needs enemies, only magnified if your married to them.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

It may take you a long time but it does get easier, I am nearly two years down the line and we still have problems but are trying to deal with things. I still think about my husband and the other women but not as often now. 

Time is the only healer and it is your choice whether to stay with her.

Good luck


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

DA, the time will vary for each person. As you've read from other posters here. 

I was almost beginning to get used to the idea of being dumped when I found out xgf ran off with her neighbor. That sent me into a rapid downward descent! Lied to, cheated on, and betrayed. 

About 6 weeks after that, I suddenly woke and the pain was gone. Mine was only a 3.5 year relationship, though. 

I was already getting used to the fact that she lied so maybe that made it easier. I don't know. 

But it will ease! You can't rush it.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

My ex of 16 years left me for an EA, never to this day admitted what he did was wrong or lying to me that he still loved me and wanted to work on our marriage. I believe what he said to our marriage councellor was "Our marriage is fine it's everything else that bothers me."  Yeah, what a head case. Know how you feel and I think it's harder to work toward closure when the other party doesn't admit wrongdoing of any kind. It DOES get better. But.. I'll never forget how I felt in the early days. Looking back I think how the hell did I get through that??? You have your kids, your strength lies in them. Show them you're an awesome dad, hold your head high and know you deserve better than your ex. You're worth way more!!:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Oh yeah, my grandad was diagnosed with lung cancer yesterday and it doesn't look like his chances are good. Last year lost both my grandma's within weeks of each other and ex asked for divorce in the fall. My mother died when I was 4 and I don't speak to my father. My family is all but gone. But I'm still standing. I didn't want to depress you further but it just goes to show what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm living proof. Good Luck. ((HUGS))


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Forgive yourself for your part in it. Forgive her for her betrayal. Tell yourself you did your best. Understand she no longer wants you. 

Ask yourself - can I stop hurting? (yes) when? (now) 
Can I stop thinking about her? (yes) when? (now)

Stupid little thing, but it works.

Repeat as often as needed. 

Find something or someone that makes you LAUGH alot. For me it was a six week old kitten.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I read somewhere it takes half the time to recover from the relationship as you were in it. 
so like if you were together 10 years, it would take 5 to get over it...
I thought it was total bull but it seems for me it took a couple years ( like 2) for the "rawness" of it to subside, after an 8 year relationship with the ex.

I had terrible trust issues after him... to where I wanted to protect myself from any more upset, yet men were coming at me left and right after I left my ex. soooooooooooooooo.....
after a couple years either I got better or the right person came along or a combination of the 2.
My husband now is a far cry from my ex... not perfect but so much better in most all ways. I am glad for that but it was hard to let someone back in...
I was pickyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, pickyyyyyyyyyyy about men. So much that people would comment on it to me.
I would tell them, I was being careful.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

DK,

Is she still in the house with you?

Are you working on the relationship together?

Keep coming here and venting, it's good to let it out!!


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## unhappy at home (Mar 21, 2009)

DK, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you....
Hang in, I agree with Snix, find someone who makes you laugh! it's good for the soul.
Hugs from a fellow Ontarian


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

DK:

One breath at a time, one step at a time...one foot in front of the other.....

Hugs


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

Gosh preso if it is right that it takes half the length of time in the relationship to get over it then I am in for a long ride.

Have been with H for 25, yes 25 years. So only 12 to get over him YEAH. 

Thats depressing


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Gosh preso if it is right that it takes half the length of time in the relationship to get over it then I am in for a long ride.
> 
> Have been with H for 25, yes 25 years. So only 12 to get over him YEAH.
> 
> Thats depressing


*Yes, it can be UNLESS you divide the number by the "JERK" factor*: 

25/2 = 12.5/*6* = 2.25yrs = 27 MONTHS! :rofl:

Jerk/Selfish/BiFch factor: Jerkscale of 1-10...how large a jerk is HE? My dh: about a *6 *on the Jerkscale.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hey wingman.

I don't have any words b/c that feeling is just a haze of greif. Just know you are loved and appreciated and that what seems to have been a very difficult relationship is coming to a close.

Take care,

S


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> *Yes, it can be UNLESS you divide the number by the "JERK" factor*:
> 
> 25/2 = 12.5/*6* = 2.25yrs = 27 MONTHS! :rofl:
> 
> Jerk/Selfish/BiFch factor: Jerkscale of 1-10...how large a jerk is HE? My dh: about a *6 *on the Jerkscale.



:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl::lol:

yes the jerk factor drastically reduces the time...

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mumof2 said:


> Gosh preso if it is right that it takes half the length of time in the relationship to get over it then I am in for a long ride.
> 
> Have been with H for 25, yes 25 years. So only 12 to get over him YEAH.
> 
> Thats depressing


yah I know which is why I didn't believe the article I read.
The jerk factor reduces the years for sure.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

I know you don't believe this but it does get better. I'm hurting everytime I have to see or speak to my husband. Just when I think I can work on me there he is ready to throw something into the mix. Right now his biggest complaint is that I am talking to another man on the internet. He can't understand how I could do that to him? He doesn't get that he has been doing this to me for well over a year & the amount of women he's "become friends" with grew. 

The best advise that I can give you is to seek some counseling & start doing something for you that will get your mind off of her. It will get better I promise.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

It's going on two months separation for me and I still got the nauseated feeling and I just take a deep breath in and realize that this is reality. Having been through this with my last relationship, being alone has got to be the most horrible feeling. It took about 6 months before I could feel any better, 2 years before I even dated, 5 years before I got into another relationship. 

With the failure of my current marriage, I wrote a letter and cried my eyes out. My letter said everything I wanted to say to him and more, then I just threw it away. In the end it made me feel a bit better.

Keeping an eye on the future and closing the one to the past is something I am trying to exercise. My therapist is helping me work through that daunting task. 

Good luck man. *hug*


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Veronica Jackson said:


> It's going on two months separation for me and I still got the nauseated feeling and I just take a deep breath in and realize that this is reality. Having been through this with my last relationship, being alone has got to be the most horrible feeling. It took about 6 months before I could feel any better, 2 years before I even dated, 5 years before I got into another relationship.
> 
> With the failure of my current marriage, I wrote a letter and cried my eyes out. My letter said everything I wanted to say to him and more, then I just threw it away. In the end it made me feel a bit better.
> 
> ...


Instead of thinking about the past, focus on the present and future, noting all thats right. You have your health, you are not blind or dumb, you survived and now stronger, etc........
It really does help to focus on the positive things and things that are right as you will notice more and more of them.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist Veronica. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold!! I know mine is. Good Luck on your journey. It does get better one day at a time!!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks all so much for your kind support. It does make it feel a little bit better.

Just to know somebody care is sometimes enough.

Really busy and tough couple of days, just wears me out. No time to post.

I think I should forgive myself, Im just not sure how yet.

As for forgiving her. Not ready yet. Not untill I still dont feel so drawn to her. Even if it is toxic.

She's still mad as hell at me. Probably cause I wont roll over and just say "OK" any more. She really cant handle not having total control.

Deal with it, this is how it is now.

She's started telling my 5yr old to keep things from me so "daddy doesnt get mad". He told me some things and I re-affirmed to him that he could tell me whatever he wanted.

Unacceptable.

I think its time she grew up. Lord knows what else shes saying to him.

If she keeps getting me this angry, it will certainly be easier. I just dont want to deal with her illogical thinking and disconnect from reality.


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