# Almost infidelity in the military



## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Long story short me and my wife have been in a rough spot for the last couple years. About 8 months ago things got really bad and I started an emotional relationship with another woman that lasted about 2 months. I got into the relationship because I liked the feeling that someone was interested in me and it boosted my confidence and self-esteem. I ended that relationship because I wanted to be fully committed to repairing my marriage because I am still in love with my wife and I want to be with her. I'm almost positive that my wife didn't know about the relationship. If she did know she never said anything about it. 

Fast forward to today.

My wife has told me that she has been depressed for some time and has started seeing a counselor. This isn't new information- she has told me before that she has felt depressed and we had talked about it some but it always seemed to go away or it lightened up enough that she was able to hide it from me. 

Without rambling on as to how I had found out...
a couple of days ago I discovered that my wife has been emailing and texting a guy who is married that lives in the state but not in the area and they have been having some inappropriate conversations. Nothing has been too sexually explicit but there are undeniable innuendos. I’m pretty sure that I have caught this before anything physical has happened but they have talked about him coming down to visit soon.

I am hurt for obvious reasons but I’m not mad at her because I am hoping that she is just doing this for the same reasons that I did even though things now aren't half as bad as they were before.
If this is the case, part of me almost wants this to continue because I know that without me entering into my relationship a few months ago I would not have had the strength to handle that very rough time and my wife and I would not be married today. 
On the other hand she has more opportunity to make take this from just a conversation to something physical. If it does go physical I don't think I can stay with her.

What scares me the most is that they have talked about him coming to visit and him going on a tiger cruse (when a friend or family member comes to the ship for the last few days before the ship pulls back into its home port. spouses are prohibited from participating in tiger cruses) the next time she is deployed.

I’m afraid that if I confront her about it now I will lose her but if I don't confront her then things will go too far and I will have to end it.

If I do confront her I can have full transparence of her Facebook, text and personal email but I have no way of having access to her work email. This is important because I know that they have had conversations via that account. 

I am willing to allow it to continue for a little while no matter how bad it makes me feel so that she feels better about herself until she can work things out and decide that she wants to make a full effort in our marriage but I cannot allow it to go so far that it would cause me to end our marriage.

If feel that if I make the wrong move then I will cause our marriege to end and I want to do whatever it takes not just because I love her and want to be with her but for our two young kids too. 

Am I crazy? What should I do?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Admit to yours and confront on hers. 

Your plan has disaster written all over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you let this continue it will go physical. Since they are already planning a face-to-face meeting you can be sure that they are not just planning to meet for coffee. The suggestions about the cruise is very bothersome also. That leaves no doubt what your wife is planning.

You have little choice here. Confront her and try to get a commitment to work on the marriage or let it go until it does become physical then divorce her.

It may be too late already but I would not just ignore the situation.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Their plans aren't wistful "one of these days" abstract type plans. The plan is concrete with clear dates. Is she initiating the plan or just floating along with it. 

BTW I gather your wife is mil and you are civilian? Is the OM in the mil too? It could be an advantage if he is. Is your wife enlisted or commissioned? The OM?


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Their plans aren't wistful "one of these days" abstract type plans. The plan is concrete with clear dates. Is she initiating the plan or just floating along with it.
> 
> BTW I gather your wife is mil and you are civilian? Is the OM in the mil too? It could be an advantage if he is. Is your wife enlisted or commissioned? The OM?


My wife is Navy, me and the OM are civilians. the plans i discussed aren't as concrete as I may have made them seem. They are former coworkers and longtime friends so him coming to visit isn't anything that would cause alarm outside of context. The OM initiated the tiger cruse thing but the email and texts that I have end with him mentioning it. She has not replied to it yet but based on what I have it seems like she is just floating along with it for the most part.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> My wife is Navy, me and the OM are civilians. the plans i discussed aren't as concrete as I may have made them seem. They are former coworkers and longtime friends so him coming to visit isn't anything that would cause alarm outside of context. The OM initiated the tiger cruse thing but the email and texts that I have end with him mentioning it. She has not replied to it yet but based on what I have it seems like she is just floating along with it for the most part.


the OM mentioned the tiger cruse thing in a half joking kind of way. no like "hey lets do a tiger cruse and hookup"


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So it's more wistful. 

I'll echo Thoreau's advice and recommend you nip this in the bud. Address your issues together. And certainly come clean with your indiscretion. 

You might wait on confronting her on *her *activity and just come clean with yours. 

"Honey, I need to get something off my chest...." etc. Come totally clean on all that occurred, your feelings at the time, your reasons for cutting it off, your feelings for your wife, the damage you could foresee from continuing on that path. Apologize and tell her the steps you are taking to prevent a re-occurrence. 

Let it rest for a few days and gauge her reaction in both her interaction with you and her interaction with the bud. If she doesn't come clean immediately give it a few days and then confront if she doesn't seem to be cutting it off.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You actually are a bit crazy here.

You seem to think that your EA was therapeutic and therefore her EA could be helpful as well.

You'll have to take it from the people here that cheating in the way you two are doing it isn't healthy for any marriage. You may think that your 2-mo. thing was good for you, but believe me, when your W finds out, you will learn that it is a very bad thing for you and your marriage. Betrayal is never therapy.

Please take the advice to nip her EA in the bud.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

My concern with this is that she will not fess up, end our marriage and ruin our kids’ lives. I am scared that she will use this as something to hold over me and neglect to realize that she has made a mistake as well before it is too late. She tends to be very emotional and makes rash decisions when she is upset. She also likes to hold on to things for weeks or months at a time. Add to it that that she has been depressed for some time now. If she doesn’t recognize her own mistake I if feel the outlook of our marriage seems bleak no matter what I do. This sounds bad but her good qualities far out way her bad ones.

Also I can't really see (honestly) what she is doing with the other guy. Like I said, I can't get access to her work email. Judging from the incompleteness of the conversations, her work email is where I assume most of the contact is being made. I could trust in what she says but I feel I may still be suspicious for quite some time. This is a problem if she is telling the truth and actually trying to fix our marriage but my suspicion manifests its self in a different way. I.e. controlling, smothering, picking fights or something like that. This would cause other problems in our already rocky marriage. Like I said, we have been in a rough patch for about two years now. I know that we are better than this and we can get through it. I just have to figure out how to show her that.

I want to pray about it for a few days but I feel like this is something I need to do right away.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

After you confront her and agree to work on your marriage, have her write a no contact letter. A prototype is on the first page of this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

It's also a good idea to read that thread.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You should not expect faithfulness from your wife if you aren't giving the same. You have no right to be hurt or angry or to demand any "transparency". Neither of you are holding any high ground. Confess your's and give her full transparency to your communications. Then you talk about whatever she's been up to.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Doing nothing will insure the destruction of your marriage. If you are so afraid to confront your wife about this then your marriage is already lost.


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