# A Year and a Half Since D-Day



## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

Hello,

I never in a million years thought I would be posting on a board about infidelity. Here's my story, in a series of posts.

I suspected that my husband was having an affair with one of his employees since 2008. Not knowing for sure drove me crazy. He was distant and always talking about her in the context of their working relationship. I sensed that something was going on between them.

One day, I brought our kids over to his shop to have lunch and saw all of these inspirational love posters and her shoes tucked under my late FIL's desk. The sight of all her crap sickened me, but I didn't say anything. The kids were there, and I didn't want to have a big confrontation with them.

Both of us had been going through the motions for quite some time. We were like robots in the bedroom. Or, maybe that was me. I wondered if he was fantasizing about her when he made love to me. It's an awful feeling that I can't even begin to describe.

I finally confronted him in 2010 when I logged into his forum account (unrelated to TAM) and saw the exchange between them. They were talking about meeting somewhere for some "rolling around" and "lovin'". I printed the messages out to show him.

Then I went out into the garage, where I chain-smoked and cried. I confronted him with the printouts as soon as he came home. He sat there in flabbergasted shock because he didn't know that I knew his password. Then he denied what was obvious.

I didn't say goodbye to my kids. I just left. He tried to stop me, and I slapped him. He let me leave, and I drove for a long time, crying and thinking very dark thoughts. My life was in tatters, due to that and other things that were going on at the time.

I had my sleeping pills in my purse and was thinking about my boys a lot. They didn't deserve to have the stigma placed on them, so I checked into a hotel. The clerk took one look at me and asked if I was okay. I told him no, that I needed a place to stay for the night. He gave me my key, and I went to my room.

I had turned my cell phone off in case my husband tried to call or text me. I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't take my pills. Instead, I lay there and vegged until I finally drifted off to sleep.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*The Next Day*

The next day, I woke up. I turned my phone back on. He had left two text messages for me. I checked out of my room and left the hotel. The air was crisp. The sun was out. It would be a normal day for everyone else but me. I had to go home. So, I did.

My husband was waiting for me in the garage. His eyes were puffy, and he was still crying. Soon, we were both crying. He told me that he still loved me but that he was so lonely.

Both boys were in school. He had told them that we had gotten into an argument and that I wouldn't be coming home that night. 

After our talk in the garage, we went into the living room and cuddled together on the couch. I felt numb and shattered.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*The Next Year*

The events leading up to the official D-Day are a blur. I agreed to seek counseling. My psychologist diagnosed me with major depression, major anxiety, and agoraphobia. I was able to get out of bed every morning, but it was hard to focus on anything for any lengthy period of time. After much prodding, I finally agreed to go to a psychiatrist for some meds. I've always believed that psychotropic drugs were a band-aid. I'll post more about that in another section.

At any rate, my husband and I made a point to meet in the garage when he came home so that we could have private conversations without the kids overhearing. He continued to deny having sex with his employee and was very upset with his family, who laid her off from her position at the business.

My SIL contacted me and asked if she could take my kids on a trip to see her grandfather. The grandfather lives on the East Coast, and it would be the first time that I wasn't going on a major trip with them. I thought I was terrified of them getting on a plane without me. In reality, I was terrified of being alone with my husband.

I had been battling a horrific vaginal infection for a week, and it wouldn't go away. Despite that, I felt that I had to perform because that's what he always expected.

We had a good time going out to dinner and hanging out together. The hard part came when he wanted intimacy. He got upset the last night we were alone together because he wanted me to do something that I couldn't.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*The Official D-Day*

The official D-Day didn't come until the day after the kids returned from their trip. I went back to the doctor because I was still not able to shake the infection.

I'll never forget the look on the doctor's face when I told her that I wasn't sleeping with multiple partners. I felt humiliated and hurt all over again. The emotion started building up as I drove home. It was summertime, and both kids were home, recuperating from their fun trip. I envied them.

I texted my husband and told him that I had an STD. His messages stopped. Twenty minutes later, he pulls up in front of the house. We left the kids at home and drove to a remote location. I was crying as I got into the car because I knew that he was finally going to tell me the truth. The first thing he said to me was, "Know this, I have always loved you."

I always pictured myself walking out the door if my spouse cheated on me. I dumped a boyfriend over this issue, although it took some months of soul searching before I got the courage. I couldn't do it. Even though this guy had put me through an incredible amount of pain and torment, I still loved him. We had a long history together, two children, and a life together, as screwed up as that was.

I did tell him that he would have to dump her and that I wasn't going to put up with this anymore. He became an open book, then. I was there when he sent her the email. She wrote back with a weak apology and asking him to send her money so that she could pay her child support and other bills. He didn't respond. We waited together for several days for future emails, but they never came.

Every time the phone rang, my gut clenched. She had tried to call him, using a private number a couple of times both on his phone and at the shop. He was a nervous wreck, too.

Eventually, she defriended him on that forum. He went through the breakup withdrawals and remorse while I waded through the emotions that I felt. We talked about the affair nonstop for weeks.

He had me research a marriage counselor. That's what saved our marriage, ultimately.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*Reconcilliation*

I dreaded going to every counseling session because I hate baring my feelings to anybody and exposing my emotions. This comes from growing up in a household with a violent alcoholic, who would loved to play cruel power trips on me.

I learned a lot about myself and my husband. We cleared up a lot of issues that have caused us to resent each other over the years. I told the therapist that it takes courage to admit that you share the blame. She agreed.

The last time we saw her was in October. Our relationship has improved greatly, although we could still use some work on communication, especially when there is a problem.

We make firm plans to go out to lunch every Thursday. We still have conversations out in the garage when he comes home, although the affair hadn't come up until last night.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*A Setback*

I'm still battling with my anxiety and depression, which gets triggered by small events. This happened yesterday, and I found myself wondering if this reconciliation was a facade and that he was just humoring me.

Yes, I get paranoid, anxious thoughts all the time. Even though things have been going better between us better than they ever have, I still have occasional bouts of worry that he's doing things behind my back. We've been through his accounts. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapy. We've taken weekend vacations and had a blast. He's been very receptive to me when we make love. 

Is this normal? Will these bouts of apprehension and paranoia ever go away completely?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm about the same length of time away from Dday as you are. R has gone fairly well, but as I have lamented on this board often; the suspicion, doubt, hurt, and loss of self respect still lingers.

I'm told by others who've been in R a lot longer than I have, that this is normal, even with a remorseful wife. My only advice is to make sure your husband continues to do the heavy lifting, take things week by week, and continuously evaluate your current happiness. As far as I'm concerned, there's no time limit on changing your mind as a reaction to a betrayal like this.

I would also suggest that you work on yourself as though you were preparing to go on without him. Do things for you, get in shape, get counseling if you need it. Whether you ultimately stay with him or not, it can only improve your life.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

*Re: A Setback*



PurpleLion said:


> I'm still battling with my anxiety and depression, which gets triggered by small events. This happened yesterday, and I found myself wondering if this reconciliation was a facade and that he was just humoring me.
> 
> Yes, I get paranoid, anxious thoughts all the time. Even though things have been going better between us better than they ever have, I still have occasional bouts of worry that he's doing things behind my back. We've been through his accounts. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapy. We've taken weekend vacations and had a blast. He's been very receptive to me when we make love.
> 
> Is this normal? Will these bouts of apprehension and paranoia ever go away completely?


I think that's perfectly normal. I keep seeing here that the average time it takes to "get over", for lack of a better term, an affair is 2 - 4 years. But even some people here who dealt with infidelity in their marriages 20 years ago say it never goes away.

That being said I'm glad you got some help and are dealing with your situation as best as you can:smthumbup:


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I'm about the same length of time away from Dday as you are. R has gone fairly well, but as I have lamented on this board often; the suspicion, doubt, hurt, and loss of self respect still lingers.
> 
> I'm told by others who've been in R a lot longer than I have, that this is normal, even with a remorseful wife. My only advice is to make sure your husband continues to do the heavy lifting, take things week by week, and continuously evaluate your current happiness. As far as I'm concerned, there's no time limit on changing your mind as a reaction to a betrayal like this.
> 
> I would also suggest that you work on yourself as though you were preparing to go on without him. Do things for you, get in shape, get counseling if you need it. Whether you ultimately stay with him or not, it can only improve your life.


Most weeks have been pretty good to great. It's the good to great that keep me around. He's my best friend, and I can't imagine life without him. On days like yesterday, I have to remind myself of this.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

*Re: A Setback*



Jasel said:


> I think that's perfectly normal. I keep seeing here that the average time it takes to "get over", for lack of a better term, an affair is 2 - 4 years. But even some people here who dealt with infidelity in their marriages 20 years ago say it never goes away.
> 
> That being said I'm glad you got some help and are dealing with your situation as best as you can:smthumbup:


That's good to know that I'm not acting like a crazy person. That makes me feel a lot better. Not sure if I'll ever get over this, but we'll see. I can say that we're laughing together more often than we had been, so there is hope.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PurpleLion said:


> Most weeks have been pretty good to great. It's the good to great that keep me around. He's my best friend, and *I can't imagine life without him*. On days like yesterday, I have to remind myself of this.


PurpleLion,

I understand you think you can't imagine it, but you should. I've found myself very slow to invest too much emotionally for two reasons; One - I'm not sure I can trust her and I don't want to be hurt again; and Two - I might eventually decide I can't get past this no matter how remorseful she is. Yes, it's a self protection mechanism, but an understandable one.

Like you I'm sure, I look forward to a time that this will change, but I haven't reached that point and I'm not sure I ever will completely. For me, this is an exploration into a new emotional world. I try to be philosophical about it and not make assumptions. 

Wouldn't it be nice if someone could predict how we would feel about things given more time, but no one can. I certainly thought that after almost a year and a half, I'd be confident that I made the right decision to R, but that just hasn't happened. That said, I seem to be a little more optimistic with each passing month. Maybe you're in the same boat.


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## PurpleLion (Jan 15, 2013)

Badmemory,

I can totally relate to the trust mechanisms. It took me about two weeks before I would let him make love to me after he finally told me the truth. I've had many days where I've looked at my husband and wasn't sure who I was seeing anymore. That's a horrible feeling. Those incidents are starting to diminish.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

PurpleLion said:


> Most weeks have been pretty good to great. It's the good to great that keep me around. He's my best friend, and *I can't imagine life without him. *On days like yesterday, I have to remind myself of this.


It's great that you're healing and especially wonderful that he is doing all he can to help you. 

But that bold part up there, you have to realize that it is a real possibility and likely a probability some day. If not divorce, then death. It's a fact of life. You will always be able to get through it - and thrive.

Happiness, a sense of peacefulness, serenity, all that comes from inside you. No one can ever bestow that on you. 

Oh, your husband can enrich and enhance your life. He can be a great partner, and a wonderful father to your children. But, really - he has no responsibility in your happiness. 

As your husband, he should be there to support your happiness and you should be there to support his. 

Same with your children, you are there to love and support them - and in doing so you may find serenity and a sense of happiness but they are not responsible for your happiness either. 

Peace to you and your family


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