# Is being a divorced father emasculating?



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Had a post up in the family/parenting section

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/51827-single-father-vs-single-mother.html

And thought I'd rephrase it here. I'm wondering if there are any divorced or single fathers on here that have atleast 50% custody of their children, and if so how have you found the challenge? I personally feel like I am not succeeding at balancing parenting with all other aspects of my life very well (career, social networking, my health and fitness etc)

I find myself sobbing frequently out of frustration and emotional drain, and I don't know if it is a healthy way for a man to be. I'm looking for tips or advice, and would any of you consider giving up a little custody in order to focus more on masculine things?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

This is a powerful indication that you’re massively linked to your ego. You are right there at it’s epicentre and letting it buffet you which way and that.

While you are a slave to your ego, it’ll never grow. It sure is a sign you haven’t read that book Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.

It’s less than $10 and takes probably eight hours to read. But you have to be motivated to stop wallowing in self pity, to stop being a victim, miserable, pessimistic and negative for it to do you any good.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If men were made to be better at mothering children, we’d be the ones giving birth to them! Of course it has a massive amount to do with the multitasking nature of a woman’s brain vs. the exceedingly focused natured of the male brain and so very much more.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Lon said:


> Had a post up in the family/parenting section
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/51827-single-father-vs-single-mother.html
> 
> ...




While I have no children,I will attempt to answer the OP's question.
From what I have SEEN with my own two eyes,the answer is NO.
I personally know of many fathers who went through bitter divorce kept their children , moved on with their lives and were very successful.
One such person is a very close friend of mine who like me is also involved in bodybuilding.
He went through a bitter divorce and a nasty custody battle.
He had one child,a 9 yr old daughter. She was very close to him.
He won custody,his ex wife immediately migrated to England,and put the house up for sale. 
He built another house , put his daughter through school and university and today she is a psychologist. She graduated at the top of her class.
He also got remarried [ while his child was in university ].
I also know of other cases.
Maybe sacrifices would have to be made,but I honestly don't think its emasculating.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

AFEH, yes this is the second time you have made that book recommendation to me... under the circumstances I've outlined, no I haven't read it, nor have a read anything more than 3 pages long for several years, I just really haven't had near enough focus, honestly - I haven't started any books, fiction or non-fiction, because even interesting ones I lose interest in and it just makes me feel like more of a failure (so yeah if that is me being linked to my ego I guess I quite strongly am). But you gave conflicting comments in reply to my original question.

Thinking back, there are a couple other dads I know that have taken on full-time parenting role, one was a high school buddy who knocked up his 23 year old girlfriend when he was 16. He had a ton of support from his parents, and they had a good relationship for a few years (married and had a second child) before she went crazy and abandoned them all. He is very successful, he is a chief engineer on one of the largest ferries, he is captain of his volunteer fire department - I look at him in amazement - I sat down for coffee with him last year and everyone knows him, wouldn't stop saying hi. I asked him how he does it and he said he just really stepped it up because its his kids and he loves them. Well, its all great, but he works 10 hour days, is away one week out of every year, gone 5 evenings out of every week... and has basically outsourced the parenting to his "amazing" daycare lady, babysitters and his parents.

So to me it seems that the only way to really achieve the necessary focus to succeed as far as career and hobbies outside of child raising, is to essentially give up custody, be it in the form of the other parent or else hired help. Or you can all tell me I'm just crazy and egotistical.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I read both threads and on this I agree with AFEH you're letting your ego get the best of you. You've let society dictate what a man should be doing and you somehow think because you're struggling that you're doing something wrong. 

Here are some truths for you. Parenting is HARD. Single parenting is even harder whether you are male or female. Yes there are people that seem adept at juggling and I say yay for them but I for one am not one of those people and I'm female. 

Have you heard the term mommy track? Those are the women who had to let their careers slide once they had kids because they no longer had the focus or time they once had. I'm a CPA and the only reason I succeeded is because I did it BEFORE I had kids. Once the kids came I lost my game. My bosses and coworkers didn't take too kindly to me being a clock watcher (I had to pick kids up by 6 at daycare) or having to miss work due to a snow day or illness. The ones who kept it together had family or paid support. I have a single SIL who does this but she makes a boat load of money so she has a nanny and about 12 back up sitters. Thats how SHE does it. Don't kid yourself most people who do this successfuly have help. I'm convinced of it.

And lastly your son is FIVE. Geesh cut yourself some slack. In a couple of years it will get easier because he will be older.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My main concern isn't what society thinks, it's my ability to function in it, and actually survive this, and hopefully thrive someday. So any advice how to let go the ego (aside from the _Awareness_ recommendation from Bob?) Yes I definitely can relate to the term "mommy track" as you describe it. I lost my game 5 years ago, I guess the stress and anxiety about my job performance has been looming over my head all this time too, when we moved into this house as a family it just never felt like my/our house, even though my name is on the title it always felt like a fragile home, though maybe that was just the state of the marriage starting to show through.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It sounds like you just don't want to be a parent at all. Maybe I'm reading between the lines too much, and I apologize...but it sounds like you are trying to convince us and yourself that you are no good at this, thus you need to give up.

Giving up, or letting go of your son would lower any respect many people have of you. "Oh, he let go of custody so he could have hobbies and have more of a life." Wow. Imagine if a woman did that? She'd be the most selfish person ever! It's no different when a man does it, imo.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A personal story. When I was working I was the breadwinner so my career came before my husbands. This was before we had kids. He just had a job and we joked that it was our spending money. But then I quit to stay at home and suddenly he was the sole provider and our whole dynamic changed. In 9 years he's gotten several promotions and his career really took off. The moral is he had my support and things were well at home. THAT was how he was able to do this.

Now here you are reeling from a bad marriage, divorce and now single parenting. And you wonder why you don't have game right now? Can you possibly cut yourself some slack while you figure this out? 

If you're problem is learning how to function then the book Awareness won't help you. That book is about learning how to let your ego die. I do love that book but I'm not sure what benefit it would serve you right now. I think what you most need is compassion for yourself. I think what you are going through is normal. It's a tough transition.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BTW we don't have hobbies. Well unless you count spending hours and hours on the internet a hobby. LOL

My husband works and spends time with us. There is little free time at my house and we are still married. He works a lot to keep me at home. It's not always a cake walk at my house either as we are financially struggling.

We ALL have problems. Yours is being a single dad and mine is trying to keep us affloat while looking for part time work. It would help your perspective if you realized this. Take an attitude of gratitude. Focus on whats RIGHT and less on whats wrong. Make sense?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TG no its not from selfishness that I would do it, its that I'm broken and can't put myself together and I don't want my son to be raised by a broken man. It is breaking my heart that he sees me like this.

I have no hobbies, but people, my counsellor, friends tell me I should so I'm trying so that I don't go insane from the loneliness.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks mavash... I just want to be able to focus on one thing and do it well and I can't remember the last time I have felt like I have.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You won't be broken forever. Everyone has issues with life at some point. Kids just want you there.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> Thanks mavash... I just want to be able to focus on one thing and do it well and I can't remember the last time I have felt like I have.


This made me laugh outloud. I've got 3 kids and I'd kill to be able to focus on one thing again. LOL I haven't had that luxury since before my first was born. My life is truly insane and I'm a full time parent. Kids in 3 schools, hubby working all the time, squeezing pennies until they scream, cleaning the house only to have it trashed 5 minutes later, etc.

Welcome to parenting is all I can say.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Lon, this thread is breaking my heart. You said in the above post that *you want to focus on one thing and do it well*....why not let that ONE thing be your son..........and being an awesome father to him? Life is short, my friend, and he's going to be a little guy for a short time. Kids grow up so darn fast. Remember....he's the same age as my daughter. Lon, considering you never have more kids.....PLEASE do not give up what custody you do have of your son. It will hurt him....and you. It won't make you feel any better than you do now. You'll feel worse, and you'll probably carry around alot of guilt because of it. Spend every precious moment you can with that child. Just because someone tells you "you need a hobby" doesn't mean to give up on your son, get a hobby, and things will be honky dory. No hobby, no other person can replace your son. He needs you in his life. 

You need to figure out what makes you feel "broken" and try to work on those things. Take baby steps. Start to just smile for no reason at all...........just do it..........it will make you feel better. Smile at yourself in the mirror, smile at others that you see everyday, whether you know them or not. Might sound strange, but it always makes me feel better, and it doesn't cost anything. 

Lon, I beg you......do not lose more time with your son than what you already lose with him.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This made me laugh outloud. I've got 3 kids and I'd kill to be able to focus on one thing again. LOL I haven't had that luxury since before my first was born. My life is truly insane and I'm a full time parent. Kids in 3 schools, hubby working all the time, squeezing pennies until they scream, cleaning the house only to have it trashed 5 minutes later, etc.
> 
> Welcome to parenting is all I can say.


:iagree: Pull up your big man panties and make the best of it while you can (until your son is all grown up - which will happen very fast).


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lon said:


> TG no its not from selfishness that I would do it, its that I'm broken and can't put myself together and I don't want my son to be raised by a broken man. It is breaking my heart that he sees me like this.
> 
> I have no hobbies, but people, my counsellor, friends tell me I should so I'm trying so that I don't go insane from the loneliness.


Lon, I have been separated for 3 or 4 months now, and have roughly 50/50 custody of the kids during this time. 

I always thought I was a pretty good dad, but one day I decided that even though I felt I was disqualified because I was a broken person, I was still my kid's dad, so I embraced it. I stopped doing everything the "right" way and started doing it my way. I made mistakes, I learned to ask for help, I learned that the approval in those little eyes and the ones I see when I look in the mirror meant more than anything else on the planet.

Long story short, it sounds like you are doing what I did before and looking at raising your son as an issue, or something you have to deal with and can't handle. If you let it, your relationship with your son right now can become your biggest asset on your own journey for personal growth.

He will not be brought up by a broken man - he will instead learn what a broken man does to repair himself through his time with you.

(PS - I am a card carrying member of the Awareness book recovery group - made a huge difference in my life. Thanks AFEH.)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its times like this when I hate what society does to us. We are bombarded by images of the perfect life where everything is just peachy all the time. Well guess what life isn't like that. Its messy, disorganized, painful, and sometimes it just plain sucks. But that doesn't give us license to put our head down and give up. Our kids need us to be the best parent we can be. If that means letting the house go, losing our 'game' and eating frozen pizza so be it. I for one think they are worth the sacrifice. At my age I'll never be top of my game again. Those days are over and quite frankly I could care less. What does it matter?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mavash, love your post but we’ve interpreted the book differently. Personally I don’t believe, like some, that the ego ever dies and to go down the path of trying to kill it off is the wrong path.

Rather I think the ego grows and expands, it gets bigger, wider, deeper, more skilled, more wise.

But there are times when the ego is brittle, blind, dumb and deaf. These are when its sad and seriously depressed and can see nothing but darkness and problems all around it. It’s when it has no hope and may even be suicidal, wanting to kill itself off.

But what the ego doesn’t know at these times is that it is just going through a phase, it’s learning some pretty hard lessons, but it’s going through a transition from one place to another. For example from being married to not being married.

Lon is very wrong if he thinks he’s the only one to be in the place he is in now. Many of us have walked his path before him. But if he wont listen and buy a book and read it, then he’s obviously not ready to learn or he just wants to stay in his place of fatalism, sadness and depression.

Lon needs to find delight in the world around him, in the scent of a rose, the colours in the sky, the laughter of children, the wonders of man. 

I been lookin' in the mirror somethin's gettin' clearer
Wonderin' who am I
Just a chemical solution caught in evolution
Only livin' to survive

Or am I just another lifetime lookin' for a lifeline
Cryin' when the sun don't shine
Am I livin' in the ghetto, maybe I should let go
Of all the dreams inside

But who am I to reach so high
And who am I to raise my eyes
Born to live
Born to die
I can do anything I'll tell you why

I'm the one who took a walk on the moon
And I made the seven wonders too
There is nothin' that I cannot do
Cause I am human
There is nothing that I cannot be
I'm the one who sailed the Seven Seas
And I know that it is all in me
Cause I am human

The blood that's runnin' through my veins 
It tells me I'm the same as all the other ones gone by
And the air that I am breathin', emotions that I'm feelin'
Underneath the same blue sky

And I know if I believe it, then I can achieve it
Nothin's standin' in my way
Then maybe history will make a place for me
And I'll be livin' for that day

But who am I to reach so high
And who am I to raise my eyes
Born to live
Born to die
I can do anything I'll tell you why

I'm the one who took a walk on the moon
And I made the Seven Wonders too
There is nothin' that I cannot do
Cause I am human
There is nothing that I cannot be
I'm the one who sailed the Seven Seas
And I know that it is all in me
Cause I am human

Not born to make mistakes, not born to fade away
Not only livin' to survive
Don't tell me I am nothin', know that I am somethin'
Brother, don't ya realise

I'm the one who took a walk on the moon
And I made the Seven Wonders too
There is nothin' that I cannot do
Cause I am human
There is nothing that I cannot be
I'm the one who sailed the Seven Seas
And I know that it is all in me
Cause I am human


Wake up Lon to the wonders all around.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Lon needs to find delight in the world around him, in the scent of a rose, the colours in the sky, the laughter of children, the wonders of man.


:iagree: I hope he finds delight in the laughter of his young son.

Lon, where are you?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

^ What a magical thing that would be. And it doesn't cost a penny.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If men were made to be better at mothering children, we’d be the ones giving birth to them! Of course it has a massive amount to do with the multitasking nature of a woman’s brain vs. the exceedingly focused natured of the male brain and so very much more.


^ this

also to TS its only bad thing if you think it is. It all depends on your outlook i suppose


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Acorn said:


> (PS - I am a card carrying member of the Awareness book recovery group - made a huge difference in my life. Thanks AFEH.)


I realize many are not Book readers, but committing to reading and digesting just a PAGE a day of 1 outstanding book that speaks to the heart of your struggle... oh what you could be missing.. 

I bet this IS a great book, you have 2 thumps up for it. Never underestimate the power of a well written book...it gives "Aha moments of clarity along the way - those defining moments where you gain real wisdom, wisdom you can use to change your life, your mental outlook. 

The Amazon US link here>> 
Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality : Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: Books


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: I hope he finds delight in the laughter of his young son.
> 
> Lon, where are you?


still reading comments. I found a pdf of _Awareness_ and have been trying to read it, have gotten a dozen or so pages in. So far it is not really engaging, it points to some interesting ideas, ones I frequently also think about... I feel like I'm constantly waking up but unable/afraid/unsure/whatever of being able to take a next move. I'm just trying to focus on the words enough to keep reading and seeing if there is anything I'm ready to learn from it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Thats not the first book I'd recommend to someone like you and I've read over 150 books like that one.

That darn book gave me a headache and I just read it for the first time last summer. LOL


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Lon - when I read (even the very recent) articles about how women cannot "have it all" I get really frustrated that gender is raised as an issue. In reality, where I am gender is not the issue at all. It is just that you can only be completely dedicated to one thing (by definition). And, as a parent, to be a great parent, you must be completely dedicated. You cannot be a great parent and a great {something else}. Stop trying to be perfect. Set a good example for how to deal with adversity, heartbreak, new situations.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Thats not the first book I'd recommend to someone like you and I've read over 150 books like that one.
> 
> That darn book gave me a headache and I just read it for the first time last summer. LOL


I think with all life lessons a person has to be ready for them. When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears sort of thing. I was in Borders bookstore in Oxford, England where I used to live, sitting having a coffee and blueberry muffin. I was there because I was depressed and having suicidal thoughts and I was looking for help. I was that depressed that I had images in my head of how I was going to kill myself.

I looked up from my coffee and there across the aisle was about 30 or so front covers of the book looking right at me from a stand as it was on promotion. It was kind of saying, shouting “Buy me and read me”.

I’d suffered from extreme stress, problems in my marriage and problems with my career, laying on my bed totally awake at night and unable to sleep. Anthony de Mello taught me how to detach, how to see myself in my stress and swamped by my problems and emotions. He taught me how to take a vacation from my ego, how to have a holiday, a break from it. And there wasn’t one blue or other colour pill involved, no alcohol or any other type of drug. Just a different level of consciousness.

I practiced what I’d read by detaching from my ego at night. All the stresses that were keeping me awake left me and I finally I got to sleep when I wanted to. No sleeping pills did I ever need.

These days I spend a great deal of time in my ego. I am exceedingly comfortable with being “Me”. In fact I love being Me. But I can also observe myself, my own behaviour when I have the need.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

A lot of us haven’t a clue how to manage our emotions and I think this the more so with men. Some of us can’t even name them and can actually be unaware that we’re having them. When we’re sad, we don’t know what to do to overcome our sadness.

Another part of getting out of our depression is to understand our emotions, to become intelligent about them. I got really lucky and saw and bought Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More Than IQ: Amazon.co.uk: Daniel Goleman: Books at the same time as Awareness.

I also had help from people on forums to do with psychology. One woman told me she welcomed depression as an honoured guest at her table, because he sure as heck there to tell her there is something seriously wrong in her life. It’s another way of looking at these things, another perspective, another dimension, level of consciousness.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Acorn said:


> (PS - I am a card carrying member of the Awareness book recovery group - made a huge difference in my life. Thanks AFEH.)


You are so very welcome Acorn. Glad I could help out.


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