# Things we will miss



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I got to thinking recently about all the things that people who hastily divorce when they supposedly "fall out of love" or are "no longer happy" will miss in life. 
I found an article from a woman who explains what she regrets. I found it interesting.

Why I (and, I suspect, many separated women) regret divorcing | Mail Online


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No sniveling. Stop whining. I am sick to death of hearing about the regret people feel after they train wreck everything and everyone.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In 2009, the percentage of adults under age 34 in the United States who had never married was 46%, the highest since demographic stats were recorded. All the griping and male bashing has paid off. Marriage is on the way out.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> No sniveling. Stop whining. I am sick to death of hearing about the regret people feel after they train wreck everything and everyone.


:iagree:

Too many people get married in haste or for the wrong reasons, or are not willing to put the effort into what a long term relationship requires. While there are good reasons to divorce (i.e. physical abuse) or be concerned about the integrity of your marriage (i.e. partner cheating), I'm amazed at how a large number of people have such a cavalier attitude about getting into or maintaining a marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"and they all lived happily ever after." What rot! Landing a prince or a princess doesn't magically make anyone's life sweet. Marriage takes work from both parties every day for the rest of their lives. If people spent as much focus and energy on being married as they did on getting married, they'd have far fewer problems.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> "and they all lived happily ever after." What rot! Landing a prince or a princess doesn't magically make anyone's life sweet. Marriage takes work from both parties every day for the rest of their lives. If people spent as much focus and energy on being married as they did on getting married, they'd have far fewer problems.


I do agree with that. If you want to be lazy and just consider your self and do as you please, you should stay single.

Being married may take work and time and effort but the rewards should outweigh those things.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I hate to sound like a clanging gong, but I have never looked at my marriage as "work". I know many do, I read this all the time on here. Just never felt this way -ever. My husband has made it soooooo damn easy and He would likely say the same about me (except when I only got horny once a week) but he wasn't exactly taking me down either & never gave me a pinch of conflict over it -so what did I know. I know he has always felt overwhelmingly thankful that we found each other, and always treated ME this way, unwaveringly. 

Although we have had some struggles along the way (infertility the worst) we have ALWAYS been on the same page in everything - how we spend our $$$, kids-how to raise them, where to live, where to vacation, we even have the same Love Languages in the same order. He is quieter, so I bring the communication out of him. Where he is strong, I am weak, where I am strong, he is weak. I LOOVVEEEE being married!  He is still my best friend, my comforter, my lover, My Anchor during the little storms of life. 

I realize some may want a bucket at this point. Throw me off off this forum, but seriously, if you find 2 hearts who WANT the same damn thing, are attracted to each other and love to GIVE as well as RECEIVE, there is no greater blessing than this thing called "Marraige". Nothing I have ever done in my life has been as beneficial as marrying my dear husband. Every GOOD thing I cherish on this earth has come from this union. THe best years of MY life started when I met him. And I know how much he feels the same. 

Keeps me on a "high" literally every day. 

I don't think it was ever meant to be "work" if we are very careful to choose someone who compliments our quirks & understands our flaws, who we can be ourselves with 100% of the time. 

I hope the world does not give up on Marraige. I too, feel too many take it cavelier. I look forward to each of my children finding the love of their lives and watching their families grow & flurish. They still believe in the fairy tale, and so do I .


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I hate to sound like a clanging gong, but I have never looked at my marriage as "work". I know many do, I read this all the time on here. Just never felt this way -ever. My husband has made it soooooo damn easy and He would likely say the same about me (except when I only got horny once a week) but he wasn't exactly taking me down either & never gave me a pinch of conflict over it -so what did I know. I know he has always felt overwhelmingly thankful that we found each other, and always treated ME this way, unwaveringly.
> 
> Although we have had some struggles along the way (infertility the worst) we have ALWAYS been on the same page in everything - how we spend our $$$, kids-how to raise them, where to live, where to vacation, we even have the same Love Languages in the same order. He is quieter, so I bring the communication out of him. Where he is strong, I am weak, where I am strong, he is weak. I LOOVVEEEE being married!  He is still my best friend, my comforter, my lover, My Anchor during the little storms of life.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Perhaps it is just a matter of semantics - meaning being married does take effort and dedication from both partners. You cannot just cruise along uncaringly - you do have to work together. However, when you are with the right partner, even that 'work' can be very enjoyable and it does not seem like work at all.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> In 2009, the percentage of adults under age 34 in the United States who had never married was 46%, the highest since demographic stats were recorded. All the griping and male bashing has paid off. Marriage is on the way out.


I am curious what male bashing has to do with it.

The percentage of adults marrying later is mostly due to the fact that young adults are more focused on getting an education and establishing a career first. I think that is a positive for both males and females.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I hate to sound like a clanging gong, but I have never looked at my marriage as "work". I know many do, I read this all the time on here. Just never felt this way -ever. My husband has made it soooooo damn easy and He would likely say the same about me (except when I only got horny once a week) but he wasn't exactly taking me down either & never gave me a pinch of conflict over it -so what did I know. I know he has always felt overwhelmingly thankful that we found each other, and always treated ME this way, unwaveringly.
> 
> Although we have had some struggles along the way (infertility the worst) we have ALWAYS been on the same page in everything - how we spend our $$$, kids-how to raise them, where to live, where to vacation, we even have the same Love Languages in the same order. He is quieter, so I bring the communication out of him. Where he is strong, I am weak, where I am strong, he is weak. I LOOVVEEEE being married!  He is still my best friend, my comforter, my lover, My Anchor during the little storms of life.
> 
> ...


I felt exactly like you for 18 years. I used to need a bucket when I would hear people talk about marriage being "work." If i had come to this forum 2 years ago and read about all this "work," I could have written your exact post. 

I'm not saying you are wrong now. Your posts have been very helpful to me with your words of wisdom since I have been here. As Enchantment wrote, it may be semantics as well. I have thought to myself since coming here, however, that perhaps the work part is what I left off. I feel like I cruised along thinking no work was needed.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

The only thing i found amusing was that the article reminded me of a couple stbx and i know. in my first year with hubs, they other couple had split up. Together for like 4years, got married, separated a year later. Fast forward 4 years, hubs and I get married. The other couple were finally talking and kind of hanging out here and there. Give it another year, they're together again, and hubs and I are falling apart. Now? They're expecting another child and just so happy and in love still. It took them six years to get to that point (roughly) and the girl writing the article was what, 7yrs past her divorce. 

must be the magic number.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> I felt exactly like you for 18 years. I used to need a bucket when I would hear people talk about marriage being "work." If i had come to this forum 2 years ago and read about all this "work," I could have written your exact post.
> 
> I'm not saying you are wrong now. Your posts have been very helpful to me with your words of wisdom since I have been here. As Enchantment wrote, it may be semantics as well. I have thought to myself since coming here, however, that perhaps the work part is what I left off. I feel like I cruised along thinking no work was needed.


But Southbound, you admitted some things over the years, things that changed, although they were little-they fell by the wayside. Ex) the playing of board games she enjoyed, you excused yourself -(but again, her fault for not telling you when it ceased, it bothered her), not feeling it important to take walks with her on vacation since she had her relatives to take a stroll with, she asked but you wanted to stay in feeling it was unnecessary, you would not be missed. 

I guess FOR HER (being 9 times more sensitive than other women - your words ) playing those silly games & taking those walks could be considerd "work" on your part -an effort made to please -even though you would rather read the newspaper or take a nap. 

Doing something we do NOT necessarly enjoy to please the other is what I call "work", knowing they love it but we get little out of it .

An example --- I personally hate playing board games with my kids --HATE it, I think I would rather clean the bathroom, I know this is awful ! If they get Monopoly out, I automatically start yawning-it seems a natural reflx for me . Half way through I get so tired of it, I sometimes throw myself on the floor dramatically and act like I can't take it anymore. They usually let me off the hook. Yes, I am terrible, and this is truly "work" for me. Scrabble I can handle, Monopoly I can not! Now if my husband wanted to get out a sex game, I would jump at that. No yawning at all, I would come alive . He is so calm, he can enjoy Monopoly and of coarse my type games as well.

You admit your wife didn't seem into sex, see, now there was "work" on HER part. She was lazy! You said the whole marraige she was hardly interested & treated you like you was a sex fiend. So obviousy she KNEW you was in want or she would not have make comments like that. She made little effort to please you -but should have --WORK again. 
*
Putting forth effort cause we LOVE IT TOO, it enriches us just as much, we selfishly want the same things -this is NOT work*. This is what I mean. My husband is an affection hound, I am too, no work, all bliss. 

I think you and her did not have as much in common as you originally thought, and your love languages was way off. There will ALWAYS be SOME work if they are off. That goes without saying. And this is why marraige have to step up this give & take. If one is all giving and the other all taking, it is doomed. 

You were a starving man Southbound, and you said she was 9 times more sensitve than other women, how in the world was it not "work" on your part to even deal with these 2 isseus alone? Baffles me terribly how you was not more pi**ed off with her! 

You are the who should have left her!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But Southbound, you admitted some things over the years, things that changed, although they were little-they fell by the wayside. Ex) the playing of board games she enjoyed, you excused yourself -(but again, her fault for not telling you when it ceased, it bothered her), not feeling it important to take walks with her on vacation since she had her relatives to take a stroll with, she asked but you wanted to stay in feeling it was unnecessary, you would not be missed.
> 
> I guess FOR HER (being 9 times more sensitive than other women - your words ) playing those silly games & taking those walks could be considerd "work" on your part -an effort made to please -even though you would rather read the newspaper or take a nap.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the post, SimplyAmorous! As for your last line that I should have left her, I've had several people say that. They weren't seriously suggesting it, but after hearing the situation and the lame reasons for why she left, they said I was the one who should have been miserable and didn't see how I stood it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Thanks for the post, SimplyAmorous! As for your last line that I should have left her, I've had several people say that. They weren't seriously suggesting it, but after hearing the situation and the lame reasons for why she left, they said I was the one who should have been miserable and didn't see how I stood it.


I KNOW what it is -it is that very calm patient temperment you have, my husband is the same mind you. 

I asked him one time out if pure curiosity -what he would do If I shut the sex off for the rest of our marraige, if he would leave me . He said "No", told me he would still love me , he would not be happy about it, but he would stay- because that is how strongly he feels, we have too many other things going on". In response , not in a mean way but a playful kinda "are you craaazzzyy" kinda tone - I said ...."'You are an A**hole! " and I told him I would NEVER do that, I couldn't , it would destroy me, I do not LOVE THAT much. 

He was not offended by this, he realizes he is different than most men, but yeah, you and mine, Not the norm, just not the norm at all. 

Sweet loving guys though ! Your outlook on marraige is steadfast no matter what, almost that "unconditional" love type thing going on- like this 











Personally I do not believe in that concept, I think we need more from our spouses What's Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 1)

Although, I must admit, it is sweet to be loved by someone who thinks like this. I need to be careful not to abuse it. 

I think you deserved better Southbound!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I KNOW what it is -it is that very calm patient temperment you have, my husband is the same mind you.
> 
> I asked him one time out if pure curiosity -what he would do If I shut the sex off for the rest of our marraige, if he would leave me . He said "No", told me he would still love me , he would not be happy about it, but he would stay- because that is how strongly he feels, we have too many other things going on". In response , not in a mean way but a playful kinda "are you craaazzzyy" kinda tone - I said ...."'You are an A**hole! " and I told him I would NEVER do that, I couldn't , it would destroy me, I do not LOVE THAT much.
> 
> ...



Marriage to another person is a sacred thing to me. Some people treat their pet or an antique car more seriously than a marriage, but not me. Nothing short of cheating or abuse was going to end it for me.

Honestly, I believe that relationships go through phases. I think everyone at some point thinks they've lost the spark compared to what it once was. If people are willing to work, however, I think that can return stronger than ever. I think they owe it to themselves and each other to try everything. I'm certain this could have happened with my wife and me, but her quick solution was to get out.

I'm puzzled at the speed of the divorce too. It wasn't as though she gave me a space of time to change, she just suddenly wanted out. Why would someone not want to do everything they could to make it work out? There is no guarantee that future relationships will be better.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think it boils down to what a wise man once asked:

"Which would you rather be-happy, or right?"

Too many people in marriages are more concerned with being right and winning the argument that they forget (if they even had a sense of it in the 1st place) that they are marriage PARTNERS, not in a "master and slave"-type arrangement.

Too many men think that a woman giving advice or showing concern for their well-being is nagging them and trying to CHANGE (i.e., EMASCULATE) them.

Too many women think that when their man gets complacent because he believes that there is no problem, (because he was never TOLD that there was one) that the fairy-tale is over and that they have fallen out of love.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> "and they all lived happily ever after." What rot! Landing a prince or a princess doesn't magically make anyone's life sweet. Marriage takes work from both parties every day for the rest of their lives.


No it doesn't. God if it did, who would want it? 


The problem is that people don't FIX the problems. They "work on them". You have to learn how to work on things EFFECTIVELY. If you can manage that early on in the relationship, much of the relationship can be smooth sailing after that.

I would not say DH and I have to work on marriage every day of our lives. We enjoy each other. We PREFER to be with each other. Spend time together. Share jokes and laughs, food and kids. If it were all work, then what would be the point?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> I think it boils down to what a wise man once asked:
> 
> "Which would you rather be-happy, or right?"
> 
> Too many people in marriages are more concerned with being right and winning the argument that they forget (if they even had a sense of it in the 1st place) that they are marriage PARTNERS, not in a "master and slave"-type arrangement.


:iagree:



> Too many men think that a woman giving advice or showing concern for their well-being is nagging them and trying to CHANGE (i.e., EMASCULATE) them.
> 
> Too many women think that when their man gets complacent because he believes that there is no problem, (because he was never TOLD that there was one) that the fairy-tale is over and that they have fallen out of love.


And many other similar confusions.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You were a starving man Southbound, and you said she was 9 times more sensitve than other women, how in the world was it not "work" on your part to even deal with these 2 isseus alone? Baffles me terribly how you was not more pi**ed off with her!
> 
> You are the who should have left her!



I probably think too much, but I had some more thoughts on this.

Aside from taking marriage seriously, I didn't leave her because everything else was good. Lack of sex certainly causes resentment and caused me to withdraw, but other things were good. Here is a list of things I liked about her during the good times. This is not necessarily a romantic list, it's things aside from the fact that I loved her. This was what I was accustomed to for 17 1/2 years. Some of these may seem to contradict some other things I've written, but keep in mind, these are from the good times. Her personality changed in the last few months during the separation and she became a different person, but during the good times, she was like this:

- she didn't flirt or have guy friends that caused issues, no drug or alcohol problems

- she had a sweet personality, not harsh and bossy

- sure, the board games and such were not my thing, but she didn't nag me all the time with stuff like honey-do lists, and she wasn't picky about things like bringing a blade of grass onto the carpet or leaving the toilet lid down, etc.

- She wasn't moody! She would pout at times, and even if I thought the reason was silly, at least I knew what the reason was. She wasn't the type to be in a good mood one minute and mysteriously in a bad mood the next minute. She came from a family who liked drama, but she never participated much. She and her family were way more sensitive than most, but we rarely argued, so it wasn't a huge issue with her. As for her time of the month, it didn't change her personality one bit. I wouldn't have known unless i knew.

- I had no mother-in-law problems

- physically, she was great. She was 5'7", around 120, great figure, and a beautiful face. There was something unusual about her body chemistry concerning body smell; I think she could have went a week without bathing and nobody would have been the wiser. She liked foot massage, for example; she could come in after work, take her shoes off, and there wasn't a hint of odor, seriously! 

- she was a morally good person and a good mother.

- she was a hard worker and took her job seriously. The rest of her family probably had a thousand jobs over the years because if some little thing happened that they didn't like, they quit, but she found a good job and stayed with it. 

- we agreed spiritually

- we never had money arguments and she had no spending problems. 

So, I looked at it as a total package. really. how could I do better than what I just described other than better sex?

With my luck, I might marry someone who wanted sex 7 days a week, but only to discover she is bossy, hateful and mean, a compulsive spender, has a lot of guy friends and is flirty, got irritated if a cracker crumb got on the carpet, and had body odor and feet like an ape. :rofl:


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

southbound said:


> I felt exactly like you for 18 years. I used to need a bucket when I would hear people talk about marriage being "work." If i had come to this forum 2 years ago and read about all this "work," I could have written your exact post.
> 
> WoW! Yep 18 years with us too. Although when things started getting bad all I heard about was 'all that you've put me through for 18 years." I had no idea I caused her such misery! Mind you, for the majority of our marriage she would talk about how good we had it.
> 
> And, I think, 'the things we would miss' was/is a huge catalyst to get working to make things right . . . for both of us.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jayde said:


> southbound said:
> 
> 
> > I felt exactly like you for 18 years. I used to need a bucket when I would hear people talk about marriage being "work." If i had come to this forum 2 years ago and read about all this "work," I could have written your exact post.
> ...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out. We're still in MC and each week she comes up with something else about me. First it was the drinking. I stopped that. Then she said she was concerned with my using sleeping pills (to occasionally help me sleep since I'm not drinking). Made it out like I was a junkie ... they're OTC, non-addicting, I use about once every couple weeks and a 1/4 dosage at that.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If a person is missing after the divorce in order of Scripture is not divorced from himself, so if he married himself, he would miss only himself means that may not be or was?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I hate to sound like a clanging gong, but I have never looked at my marriage as "work". I know many do, I read this all the time on here. Just never felt this way -ever. My husband has made it soooooo damn easy and He would likely say the same about me (except when I only got horny once a week) but he wasn't exactly taking me down either & never gave me a pinch of conflict over it -so what did I know. I know he has always felt overwhelmingly thankful that we found each other, and always treated ME this way, unwaveringly.
> 
> Although we have had some struggles along the way (infertility the worst) we have ALWAYS been on the same page in everything - how we spend our $$$, kids-how to raise them, where to live, where to vacation, we even have the same Love Languages in the same order. He is quieter, so I bring the communication out of him. Where he is strong, I am weak, where I am strong, he is weak. I LOOVVEEEE being married!  He is still my best friend, my comforter, my lover, My Anchor during the little storms of life.
> 
> ...



I too never looked at my marriage as work . I use to teased and said it was wasn't a four letter word I wanted in my marriage. He was easy to live with as well as I . In fact, I didn't even realize my marriage really was in trouble until I started to figure things out. (stupid I know, maybe working at it would have helped?) It just wasn't the way our marriage was.

Even all that I have gone thru, call it foolish, if, and when,another partner comes my way , I hope too, it is an easy and natural love again . 

~sammy


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

One comment earlier spoke about how relationships go through cycles. i think that is a really true point. Hopefully over the course of the relationship, the good times are better than the bad. But it is does take work and a whole lot of patience and change to make a relationship solid. Too many people want the ideal relationship, but they're not willing to pay the cost.


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