# Am I Being Fitness Tested?



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I'm not sure what to think. Some of you already know my whole story posted in here, but basically the last year has been a big struggle to set boundaries on what is inappropriate behavior and what isn't.

Currently, my wife told me about a month ago that she wanted some time away so that we can both get our heads on straight and make ourselves right. She had just started taking anti-depressants and I told her that she shouldn't be making major decisions until the meds kick in. She was insistent so I told her that I can't live in limbo any more. I told her that my life living some place else and doing who knows what isn't going to be a re-building time for me, it will be more torture. I told her that I need some finality so that I can plan for my future and have some certainty in my life. I told her that if she leaves then we should just get divorced and in six months if we both have our heads right then we can re-marry and start over. She was about to go out of town for a week and th eday she left she texted me and said that she wants to work it out and make it better.

OK, the few weeks after that were much better I thought. I thought the talk of divorce had shaken us up both a little and we were both working hard to give the other one what they needed. Last Saturday we went out and had a very nice, stress free, scare free time. Sunday morning was good. 

I'll describe the following because it seems to be what set her off again. About Sunday mid-day I was venting about how the garage was so cluttered that it was like a weight pressing down on me. She got really defensive and became kind of combative, but I never blamed her for anything. She left to go eat and watch a movie with her friends.

When she came home about 5:00 I was in the garage with the kids and we had done a complete transformation. It looked awesome. Me and the kids were laughing and actually having fun. My 14 year old decided to have some fun with her and told her that we threw away all her stuff (she and her whole family are hoarders). She blew up and started going through the trash cans, the back of my truck, etc. I showed her how we consolidated her stuff and didn't throw anything away. I stayed happy and upbeat the whole time.

Later that evening she started in again about how she doesn't know what the right thing to do is, maybe we should separate, we're both not happy, etc, etc. She tells me that night that she wants to leave. Unfortunately I am really hit hard by this (again) and try to reason with her. It gets really emotional that night with us both crying and she is telling me that I am handsome, a great guy, a great husband, the greatest dad, etc, etc, but she still isn't happy and needs to leave.

The next day I have a burst of peace and feel like if that is what is going t happen then OK I can do that. I am sad because I don't want it to end, but I think I can move on and be happy. I even do a little flirting and that is a big ego-boost. I think I can move on.

She gets home last night and seems to be happy. I am on my way to the grocery store and she asks if she can go with me because she just wants to spend some time with me. We are shopping and everything is going fine. On the way out she gets a phone call from one of her co-workers and they are talking about some kind of inappropriate comment made by her boss (the one I told her was an idiot last year). Evidently now they all don't like him and are trying to gather info and set him up to be fired. I ask her about it and she doesn't want to tell me, then she starts to go down her hole and get cold again and is cold the rest of the evening.

This morning she is cuddled up around me. Once we get up she is in a foul mood again. It is back and forth. I'm not sure if she is just confused, having some kind of mental problem and is testing me. I just watch her some times and thinks she has mental problems. I don't know what to think.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well. Depression sucks. I'm not sure if manning up will be as effective with someone with depression. I'm also not sure if she's fitness testing you, specifically because of her depression.

Wow. When I had depression, I'd be happy, then mad, then withdrawn, then happy again....all in the space of five minutes. One minute she probably feels hopeless and separating would be a fix for her, but the next minute she is up again and knows that separation is not the right answer. Then she falls down into the hole again for another cycle.
Are her flip-flops more frequent since she started the meds? Mine were. My brain was trying to pop out of the depression, and would for an instant, but I was not quite there yet on the med schedule. After my 4 weeks, I stabilized, and wow! I could think again. It was like the old me. I felt awesome and had clarity of thought.

You may have to ride this out a bit until her meds stabilize. Just remember, your responsible for your own moods. It will be tough not to get dragged down with her, but this is a time to remember that and be strong. You'll know when she pops out. But it will be a tough ride for a few weeks, at least. Just don't take it personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I was venting about how the garage was so cluttered that it was like a weight pressing down on me. She got really defensive and became kind of combative, but I never blamed her for anything. She left to go eat and watch a movie with her friends.
> 
> When she came home about 5:00 I was in the garage with the kids and we had done a complete transformation. It looked awesome. Me and the kids were laughing and actually having fun. My 14 year old decided to have some fun with her and told her that we threw away all her stuff (she and her whole family are hoarders).


Okay - I don't know your past, but it sounds more like she could just be afraid of you. From what you're giving here, she knows that you will possibly throw away her things without asking, and even allow your children to joke about it. Maybe it was innocent, but it depends upon your history together.

Do you have a history together of being affirming, or critical? Depressed, or happy? Her motivation here might be influenced by this.

I'm one of those people who has to always be doing something productive. My wife craves daily time to veg out. In our early years, I stupidly implied that she was lazy. Not directly, but I would just remind her of something she wanted to get done. She saw it as a sign of not respecting her, which it was. Now, if she's sitting on the sofa in the morning, and I hint about the garage that needs to be cleaned, even if I plan to do it alone, she might just go ape sh** on me.

Of course, now that we've been married a long time, she has taugh me the joy of silent contemplation. My brother thinks I'm lazy.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks. Both of your responses really make sense and have some element of truth in them in regards to our relationship. I do want to clarify, though, that she isn't scared of me, not physically any way. I do wish I had some help around the house, though, and that has always been a rift in our marriage. I grew up in a very clean and organized home. Hers was very cluttered and unorganized. Her lifestyle has overpowered mine over the years and it is kind of a bummer.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. Stupid question. Did you check out a cleaning service? I know this seems silly, but the cost may be worthwhile to your sanity. Once a week for two hours, etc.

I can't wait until my kids are older...then I'll get them to help as their chores. I am the same way you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mike,

Do you use humor?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am not a medical professional nor should you look for them anonymously on the web. However fast cycling mood swings sounds quite different from mere depression. For example, one common malady of senior citizens is 'sundown syndrome'. That's a serious mood crash in the early evening. It's real it's medical and it's serious. This is not to say that your spouse has some kind of organic brain damage, but constant inexplicable severe mood swings from one end of the spectrum to the other indicates something a bit more complicated than simple depression. Even severe clinical depression doesn't manifest like that. But BPD or PTSD do sound like that.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

True that! I'm no doctor. I only know what I went through after starting my pills. All cases will be different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Yes we use a cleaning service twice a month. I do use humor quite a bit. A lot of the times she doesn't like it though. That brings up an interesting point, our relationship is turning out like the relationship her parents had and my relationship with my kids is a lot like the one she had with her dad. All the funny things her dad does she loves, but her mom hates. Now I have a lot of similarities to her dad but when I do something that he does it makes her really mad. Her dad can do the exact same thing and she loves it (I can give examples). She is becoming her mother, who was angry and bitter at her husband for 20 years. She suffered from depression also. It wasn't until her dad suffered a heart attack and her mom got on meds that her mom started getting along with her dad. When the counselor says that her upbringing was kind of dysfunctional it makes her mad because she doesn't accept that. I fully accept that mine was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

reMike,
You are being tested and you are consistently failing. 

Would you like a harsh dose of reality?




Mike188 said:


> Yes we use a cleaning service twice a month. I do use humor quite a bit. A lot of the times she doesn't like it though. That brings up an interesting point, our relationship is turning out like the relationship her parents had and my relationship with my kids is a lot like the one she had with her dad. All the funny things her dad does she loves, but her mom hates. Now I have a lot of similarities to her dad but when I do something that he does it makes her really mad. Her dad can do the exact same thing and she loves it (I can give examples). She is becoming her mother, who was angry and bitter at her husband for 20 years. She suffered from depression also. It wasn't until her dad suffered a heart attack and her mom got on meds that her mom started getting along with her dad. When the counselor says that her upbringing was kind of dysfunctional it makes her mad because she doesn't accept that. I fully accept that mine was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> reMike,
> You are being tested and you are consistently failing.
> 
> Would you like a harsh dose of reality?


Yes, I would like to hear what you think if that is shat you are asking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mike,
All "venting" stops. Cleaning the garage was great. Complaining about it first - not good. 

She is doing this hot/cold thing. Next time that happens - when she goes to be warm - just look her in the eye and say "I don't like what happened yesterday" and just be quiet. If her explanation for her behavior makes sense - don't apologize just say "ok". If it does NOT make sense, just shake your head and walk away. 

In the meantime stop saying I love you first. Let her say it first and then say it back. Unless she was being nasty and then says it. If that happens just nod - like you heard her and don't say it back. 

You are letting her repeatedly smack you emotionally without any consequence. BAD move.




Mike188 said:


> Yes, I would like to hear what you think if that is shat you are asking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hey I already HAVE a job and a manager I have to manage. I already HAVE performance reviews. I don't need more of that. Just the other day I heard the wife screaming from the downstairs bathroom after she discovered the toilet was running. Didn't know what the noise was about but when I came down to see, she pointed at the handle shouted "giggle that" and walked away. I'm pretty sure that if it were overflowing she'd have the same reaction.

When nothing is ever your fault, your responsibility then the whole world can go up in flames and your job is done, smugly sitting there clucking at the hubby who didn't wield the fire extinguisher fast enough.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dog,

What do you want?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The point is that being 'tested' is no more no less than what it sounds like. I can picture said irritated spouse walking around with a check list in his or her head tallying up all the things you didn't do right or didn't do at all. I'm not sure there's an upside to that. A typical low score from the Romanian judge, as it were.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Runs,
I have read your post. You self describe as COMPLETELY beaten down. If my W was doing what yours is I would ask myself: Am I doing something to cause this? If so, I would fix it. If not, I would give her severe frost bite. 

You mention your W threatened to call the cops for no reason. Easy enough - that happens - next day I move out. No conversation no nothing. When she writes me a letter apologizing for the false accusation, promising to play fair and asking me to return, I do. Not until. 




Runs like Dog said:


> The point is that being 'tested' is no more no less than what it sounds like. I can picture said irritated spouse walking around with a check list in his or her head tallying up all the things you didn't do right or didn't do at all. I'm not sure there's an upside to that. A typical low score from the Romanian judge, as it were.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> The point is that being 'tested' is no more no less than what it sounds like. I can picture said irritated spouse walking around with a check list in his or her head tallying up all the things you didn't do right or didn't do at all. I'm not sure there's an upside to that. A typical low score from the Romanian judge, as it were.


That's not quite how it works.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah it wouldn't turn out that way in this case. It would only ONLY escalate. She would be happy to get me locked up in county for a bogus charge. Call her bluff, I discover she's not bluffing. I'm not prepared to a do a year in jail on a fake charge. I am in the middle of being the sole source of support for wife, 3 kids in college, etc. They shouldn't have to drop out because of their parents bad marriage. 

Look it's very simple. Picture living with an active alcoholic who makes everyone walk around on eggshells 24/7. Now subtract the alcohol.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah it wouldn't turn out that way in this case. It would only ONLY escalate. She would be happy to get me locked up in county for a bogus charge. Call her bluff, I discover she's not bluffing. I'm not prepared to a do a year in jail on a fake charge. I am in the middle of being the sole source of support for wife, 3 kids in college, etc. They shouldn't have to drop out because of their parents bad marriage.
> 
> Look it's very simple. Picture living with an active alcoholic who makes everyone walk around on eggshells 24/7. Now subtract the alcohol.


We all have decisions to make.

There are ways to indicate this is unacceptable that get the message across without the fireworks.

Martyrdom is a rather self-limiting career.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Runs,
This is really a bit much. You could pack up and leave when she isn't there. Or you could have 2-3 family members there while you pack - with a video camera. Funny how that works. 

And then do all the paperwork for the divorce remotely. You have plenty of choices you simply prefer to see yourself as a victim. Which is ok for you I guess if that is how you want to live your life. But don't lower the bar here for others. 




Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah it wouldn't turn out that way in this case. It would only ONLY escalate. She would be happy to get me locked up in county for a bogus charge. Call her bluff, I discover she's not bluffing. I'm not prepared to a do a year in jail on a fake charge. I am in the middle of being the sole source of support for wife, 3 kids in college, etc. They shouldn't have to drop out because of their parents bad marriage.
> 
> Look it's very simple. Picture living with an active alcoholic who makes everyone walk around on eggshells 24/7. Now subtract the alcohol.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

MEM,

When do you figure you drop all the subterfuge mind play and just outright say " ok look. I've had enough of this sh$t. Time to start acting respectful in this household or I'm fkn done with this crap."

Does that ever work? In a nice even tone, of course.

Really, just asking. I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The toilet story reminded me of when my wife dragged me into the bathroom, pointed to the toilet, and said...fix that now.

I looked at her and said, not right now. I'm going golfing. When I got home, it was fixed. She actually went to the hardware store, bought a new seal, and installed it herself. She was beaming! I said..."nicely done!". And brought all the kids in to show them how their mother fixed the toilet!

I guess I passed a fitness test without even realizing it that day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> MEM,
> 
> When do you figure you drop all the subterfuge mind play and just outright say " ok look. I've had enough of this sh$t. Time to start acting respectful in this household or I'm fkn done with this crap."
> 
> ...


It depends on your goal.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AO,
The only subterfuge I have recently suggested was you bouncing your W without explanation. I fully understand why you chose not to do that. You were choosing to be honest with her which is generally a good practice. 

She is still lying, manipulating, blameshifting etc. with YOU vis a vis her ongoing affair. You have been on here trying to figure out why your sex life is broken and it is very possible she has been meeting the OM for nooners. 

As for MNG - I think his chances of recon are higher if he does a 180 "in place" because his W comes to him every couple of days for assurance that HE still loves her. Sadly he keeps giving it to her. I am not suggesting he lie to her. Rather that he stand up for himself. 







alphaomega said:


> MEM,
> 
> When do you figure you drop all the subterfuge mind play and just outright say " ok look. I've had enough of this sh$t. Time to start acting respectful in this household or I'm fkn done with this crap."
> 
> ...


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Maybe subterfuge was a bad choice of words. I get the thermometer technique, and just walking away silently when the response you get is childish. They are all designed to illicit a response from your SO based on respect and standing up for your own morals, and that you are in control of the situation at all times and you don't get swayed by childish tests.

My situation aside, because that bounce had to be done. But is it ever helpful in a relationship to just come out and say..."look! Your being disrespectful. I've had enough!". It seems more forceful and direct, and to the point that you are not going to take disrespectful behavior. The actions of say, the 180 seemed designed to work over longer periods of time with a more subtle approach.

How do you know what is better to use at a given situation. Would it be having to deal with the same disrespectful behavior over multiple tests, where you just need to give an in the face response?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Honestly, I think it was a case of, I want all the cake but you can't have any. My wife got really attracted to me again and poured on the love sauce AFTER she realized that I wasn't just planning on dating after our separation, I actually was. That sauce seemed to stop as soon as I took her back. It may have been a female version of possessiveness. I think there's an actual name for that behavior response...something mpressive sounding, of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When sorely provoked I say "that is not acceptable". I rarely say that. It is an "extreme" response in our marriage. 




alphaomega said:


> Maybe subterfuge was a bad choice of words. I get the thermometer technique, and just walking away silently when the response you get is childish. They are all designed to illicit a response from your SO based on respect and standing up for your own morals, and that you are in control of the situation at all times and you don't get swayed by childish tests.
> 
> My situation aside, because that bounce had to be done. But is it ever helpful in a relationship to just come out and say..."look! Your being disrespectful. I've had enough!". It seems more forceful and direct, and to the point that you are not going to take disrespectful behavior. The actions of say, the 180 seemed designed to work over longer periods of time with a more subtle approach.
> 
> ...


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> She is doing this hot/cold thing. Next time that happens - when she goes to be warm - just look her in the eye and say "I don't like what happened yesterday" and just be quiet.


I thought that you were supposed to wait for her to bring up stuff, otherwise it was needy?


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