# Living with avoidant spouse



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Curious how many husbands out there are married to women with intimacy issues. In our case, she self-diagnosed (since she is a licensed therapist). Furthermore, her mother was an emotional train-wreck (including hospitalization) and her dad was cross-dressing. Crappy home life led her to moving in with a friend at 16. They were not very well off financially. Booze some drugs etc. Parents no divorced.

A few years ago she started having big hormonal swings and while thinking she needs therapy won't make an appointment and sticks to anti-depressants. As she gets older her OCD and anxiety is getting way worse. I wrote her a letter to explaining my feelings and at first she ignored it, then got mad at it then didn't really take anything I had to say to heart. When I said we were basically roommates she got irritated and bitterly said "well what's a marriage supposed to look like?" 

After reading 'Avoidant' by Jeb Kinnison I definitely know she has an avoidant attachment style and I'm between secure and anxious. She had mentioned she wanted to marry someone like me since I had a job where I was gonna be gone a lot that paid well. She also thinks there is nothing wrong in the marriage and I'm just unhappy. I ended up praying for our marriage in our couples prayer, she stays quiet.

Do other husbands see the following and what have you done about it.
- Says she loves me and is in love with me but I don't see anything tangible
- Physical affection is more reactive than proactive and short... doesn't seem to want to touch me a whole lot but is all over the kids
- Will ignore a suggestion I make but will adopt it later when her friends make the same one.
- Said she's attracted to my eyes and voice but doesn't makes comments about anything else physical she likes. She knows I love everything about her even though I she is not happy with her body.
- Expects foreplay but says she doesn't like giving it
- No problem with orgasm but afterwards like trying to flee a crime scene
- Doesn't want to talk sex. When asked what she loved about being with me could only say I don't know and then how I play with her nipples. I listed a number of things. If pressed i get an unemotional "its fine" like surprised I asked.
- Doles out criticism freely but takes hers personally. Example: will critique my outfit without thinking. If I say I don't like something she gets irritated.
- Excited about gifts, big money purchases and vacations. Wants me to get a new truck so I look sexy.
- Gets extremely anxious if money becomes an issue.
- Asked for a love letter for Christmas... "yeah that's not gonna happen". Once a year get a card that says she loves my faith and I'm a good dad and she doesn't want to be with anyone else.
- Says I have a lot of needs. And left it at that.
- Gets extremely uncomfortable talking about our relationship and blurted out "maybe all this was a lie"
- Complains about having to initiate sex but then doesn't flirt or tease.
- Seducing and teasing happens once a year
- Sex initiation is a single booty bump, quick footsies or "wanna come upstairs"
- Once sex starts, lays there while I do everything (very minimal kissing). Touching, if it happens, feels like a very awkward massage and straight to vigorous hand job (no teasing). When close, she puts me inside her or climbs on top, has an orgasm and then rolls off right into the bathroom to grab a towel. Hardly any bonding after... right to sleep or next item on the to do list. No feedback unless I say something.
- No eye contact during sex unless she's drunk
- All of this is better if she's been drinking a bit

I truly believe there's something in her past that causes her to have to control everything in our from kids to food choices. She also gets uncomfortable when I step in and try to discipline our kids. 

So I'm at a loss at how to proceed. We've talked about and nothing ruins the mood by bring up needs. I mentioned that I have addressed a majority of her critiques and couples should give each other their best and want to improve. Her response was I can't change her and change takes a long time. Since she's a therapist, I find this odd like seeing your doctor smoking a cigarette and having a greasy burger. 

My gut says pray, see a therapist and find other ways go get my needs met (not an affair). I'm not sure how to broach the subject that she really needs therapy. My worst fear is she married to escape her childhood nothing else and she's keeping that a secret. At what point do you go from providing a safe space for your spouse's emotions pain to enabling a one-sided relationship?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rrobert14 said:


> Curious how many husbands out there are married to women with intimacy issues. In our case, she self-diagnosed (since she is a licensed therapist). Furthermore, her mother was an emotional train-wreck (including hospitalization) and her dad was cross-dressing. Crappy home life led her to moving in with a friend at 16. They were not very well off financially. Booze some drugs etc. Parents no divorced.


I'm assuming you knew all of this BEFORE you got married. You certainly ignored a lot of red flags. I hope you own that, whether its fair or not, the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. Screwed up families RARELY output children who grow into normal adults. How damaged they are is the crap shoot you take.



Rrobert14 said:


> I'm not sure how to broach the subject that she really needs therapy. My worst fear is she married to escape her childhood nothing else and she's keeping that a secret. At what point do you go from providing a safe space for your spouse's emotions pain to enabling a one-sided relationship?


I also find it fascinating that most chemically imbalanced people end up in behavioral sciences, psychology, social workers, etc. It's like they are drawn into these fields because they want to understand what is wrong with them. I've yet to meet a sane non-phd holder in one of these fields of study. 


Oh yeah, you wanted advice... You need to DRAG your wife to marriage counseling (and individual counseling for her childhood issues) including threatening to pursue divorce if she refuses. It will be a LONG SLOW turn around IF it even happens but she has to get to a point where she WANTS to rekindle the relationship for fear of losing you. Clearly you are being taken for granted and that's a tell tale sign she has no respect for you. If she does not try to get help, YOU must also be prepared to walk away.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm assuming you knew all of this BEFORE you got married. You certainly ignored a lot of red flags. I hope you own that, whether its fair or not, the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. Screwed up families RARELY output children who grow into normal adults. How damaged they are is the crap shoot you take.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks for the inputs. None of this came up before we got married.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Rrobert14 said:


> Thanks for the inputs. None of this came up before we got married.


Then frankly, I find it even more disturbing you didn't take the time to get to know the background of the person you were marrying.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> Then frankly, I find it even more disturbing you didn't take the time to get to know the background of the person you were marrying.



I did and absent hiring a PI wouldn't get this anywhere else but her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's a fact of life that if you want to get you gotta give. Your wife has yet to learn that lesson. She is an inconsiderate and selfish lover. Drag her to a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. She may be embarrassed, but the saying 'physician heal thyself' was coined for a reason. Buy a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think what you have there, OP, is a pretty typical woman....

She ain't gonna change. She doesn't want to. That's why she doesn't want to go to counseling.

Doesn't sound so bad, anyway....

What makes you happy? Focus on that. Do that. Stop worrying about what your wife is NOT doing so much.

I will say this: leave and shake her up a bit. She's totally in her comfort zone and doesn't want out, lol.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Both of you read "The 5 Love Languages", then tell her "I work at meeting your needs, you need to work on meeting mine!"

Here is link you can give her - https://forgivenwife.com/new-to-this-blog-start-here/

My wife had past issues affect her, I had to take her to MC and tell her, "We either are going to have a marriage, or a divorce"

Don't threaten, mean it. If she tells you to go take care of yourself, hand her the papers & move on. I spent years trying to work things out, wasn't until my wife saw me with one foot out the door she decided to work on things.

Sounds harsh? Weigh your options, live in a sexless marriage with a gold digger, or live by yourself with the possibility of meeting someone that WANTS to be with you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I also find it fascinating that most chemically imbalanced people end up in behavioral sciences, psychology, social workers, etc. It's like they are drawn into these fields because they want to understand what is wrong with them. I've yet to meet a sane non-phd holder in one of these fields of study.


Getting a PhD in psychology is no guarantee of sanity. I am living proof 

There are many things that should come up during dating but don't mostly because the person witholding the information is convinced it's not important...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

john117 said:


> Getting a PhD in psychology is no guarantee of sanity. I am living proof
> 
> There are many things that should come up during dating *but don't mostly because the person witholding the information is convinced it's not important.*..


Or, they KNOW it's important and do their best to keep it hidden.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not sure it's always the case. My wife's loving family back in her country were described as ruling class elite that loved each other.

The current score: seriously mental illness mom, autistic brother, a-hole other brother, passive aggressive king dad, and sleeping around sister.

For her it was all normal. If you don't know better, they are normal.


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