# We both cheated - feel stuck in a bad marriage



## MAB1220 (Dec 23, 2012)

A little background. We had been dating for about a year when I became pregnant. He asked me to move in with my two boys. His daughter lived with him full time as well. Despite my reservations we combined our families and it was a disaster. We were not prepared for the challenges of a blended family. He was controlling and abusive and I became very depressed and isolated. We eventually made it to therapy but my feelings for him were rapidly dissolving. I was lonely and I cheated. I take ownership of that wrong. He cheated about 4 months later but didn't own up for another two years. Also he feels that his cheating is not as bad because I did it first and I disagree. Cheating is cheating. During that two years he badgered and belittled me every chance he got, called me a ***** and made himself out to be this innocent wounded party. When I finally found out what he had done I became very angry at his hypocrisy. We are both hurt and angry. He can't seem to see that his constant criticism doesn't allow for healing. I can't make myself kiss him or have sex with him and that makes him furious. I am not bothered as much by his affair as I am his hypocrisy and the verbal abuse I was subjected to for such a long time. I am not sure if l like or love him anymore. He still goes to therapy but I don't go with him as I feel the therapist we were seeing broke confidence. I am just honestly not sure what to do from here. I have purchased books and gotten them from the library but it doesn't do any good if I am the only one who reads them. We are staying together for the sake of our 4 children temporarily but if we are going to make it long term we have to figure out if/how to reestablish intimacy. Any advice?


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

My advice is to not worry about leveling the playing field. 

Unless you want your marriage to end.


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## MAB1220 (Dec 23, 2012)

I don't feel I am trying to the level the playing field. I am looking for the right first step sorting through the mess of feeling and moving on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the first right step is to find some good counseling for yourself. If the one you were seeing didn't work, you should find one that does. Reestablishing intimacy requires so many things - dealing with resentment, loss of trust, respect, love - and these are difficult issues that are personal and will take time to address. A good IC would help, in my opinion.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

Has he agreed to counseling yet?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You should try counseling.

That being said, no amount of counseling would ever
help me feel "okay" about my stbxw being some strangers kum dumpster twice a week, while playing house with me and the kids.


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