# Emotionally cheating with ex



## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

This is going to be long but I'll give the shortened version.

Im not married but have been living with my g/f for 4 years, were in our mid 50's so were by no means spring chickens.

I met my g/f within weeks of her getting a divorce but because they couldnt sell their house her and her ex continued to live together. Our problems started about 3 years ago when I found out what she was doing on FB. She was flat out flirting with other guys, telling them how wonderful they were and treating them better than she was treating me. She was asking these "old friends" for their phone numbers abut never told me what she was doing. When I found out about FB I gave her an ultimatum FB or me!

She chose me and gave me her word she'd never get on FB but during that time I knew something wasn't right so I checked out our cell phone bill and apparently she was spending allot of time texting and calling her ex and never said a thing to me about it. She lied one day and said she was going to go the gym and ended up talking to her ex for 90 minutes instead. 

A couple of months later I saw she had sent him a text by than I had enough so I told her to send him a text telling him their friendship was over and its time to move on. When I asked her to see the text she said she deleted it, when I looked at our phone records one was never sent. She said she didnt want to hurt him again and wanted to do it by phone while she was at work the following day. I made her send the text right than and there.

I just recently found out that her and her ex have been going behind my back texting and calling each other for at least 3 years and she was the one that would ALWAYS call him. All I ever asked this woman to do is to be open and honest with me and her response would be "Im not doing anything I cant do in front of you" or "Im being completely honest" but shes been anything but.

When I found out how long they were in contact I was extremely hurt. For 3 years I begged her to be honest with me and she said she was. Now Im mad as hell because she intentionally deceived me and did everything possible to hide her emotional affair with her ex and intentionally hurt me in the process. Now that the damage is done and cats out of the bag she says she's sorry and wants to work it out but how can I ever think she's going to be honest with me when she hasnt been able to when thats all i was asking her to do? 

Her and her ex have no reason to stay in contact, if they had kids together or had business related matters I would completely understand, her excuse for constantly contacting him without telling me is she wanted to try to ease his pain. Are you kidding me?


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## justme85 (Aug 29, 2013)

Hey,

Sorry to hear of your troubles. This is an awful situation to find yourself in. Do you feel the relationship is still worth trying to salvage? If so, you'd need to lay it all out on the line with your girlfriend, maybe try counselling and make her understand that there is just the two of you in this relationship.

I think it may sound like you've been too soft with her in the past, and now she feels like she can walk all over you. Don't stand for being second best!

Best wishes


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

tug said:


> *Her and her ex have no reason to stay in contact*, if they had kids together or had business related matters I would completely understand, her excuse for constantly contacting him without telling me is she wanted to try to ease his pain. Are you kidding me?


Of course they have a reason to stay in contact. She likes it. So does he.

At this point, she has lied so much, you really can't believe anything she says.

What is good about her that would make you want to stay with her? All you've posted is that she looked for other men, treated them better than you, and has carried on a three-year affair with her ex-husband. You got anything positive to say about her?

What makes you think she hasn't been having sex with him? He lives far from you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why would she feel a need to


> ease his pain?


Did she, by some chance, play the: "But honey, those men I chat to and message on FB, their no threat to you" game with him once too often?

Find out the real reason why they divorced.


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## JustLookingWest25 (Aug 23, 2013)

First off, do you know why they divorced? Was she doing the same type of stuff to him, perhaps?

Second, I'm with Will_Kane: how do you know that they weren't still sleeping together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

JustLookingWest25 said:


> First off, do you know why they divorced? Was she doing the same type of stuff to him, perhaps?
> 
> Second, I'm with Will_Kane: how do you know that they weren't still sleeping together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats just it I dont know if they has sex, she swears they didnt. She stayed home from work one day so WE could call him and I could verify they never had a sexual relationship but I told her a call wasnt necessary. 

One time her ex sent her a text after she told him it had to come to a stop. I was irate so I called him and laid into him. After I calmed down he and I started talking like adults he told me exactly how he felt, he said he didnt want to be with her and that "she's always had a need to attract the attention of other men and I should "dump her a** and let some other sorry SOB deal with her crap. He didnt know it but I had the speaker phone on and she could hear everything he said. What he said never phased her. She said what he thinks about her doesnt bother her in the least. 

They were married for 10 years and during that 10 years she told him he needed to stop his drinking but he didnt. He would only drink on the weekend but whenever they went to a family function or on vacation he would end up getting drunk off beer. After 10 years she had enough and told him she wanted a divorce. What upset her the most is he would drink and drive and due to the nature of his job if he got a dui he'd get fired and they'd lose everything and she was tired of seeing him passed out on their bed on the weekend. 

She's trying very hard to right a wrong and I believe she's sincere but how long can she be someone she's not? She was married for 10 years and never stopped flirting regardless if her husband knew about it and he did know about it. She says she was wrong hiding their friendship and keeping a friendship with any man isnt worth our relationship and is willing to do what she has to make me see how much she loves me and how much she cares.

She's beautiful, easy to talk to, takes extremely good care of herself has a well paying job and is still a catch at 51. She can do much better than me but insists that Im the one she wants and wants to prove it to me. What reason would she have to lie at this point?


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

After reading some of the posts on the infidelity topic Im not really sure what to do. My g/f seems sincere, I think if she really wanted to get back with her ex she could. Knowing how this has effected me why would she continue to lie about keeping in contact w/her ex? All she would have to do is tell me she's not willing to give him up and let me decided if thats acceptable to me or not. I have health issues and she can be with someone who can contribute more to a relationship but she insists Im the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If she really cared, I mean really, don't you think she would have stopped after the first time? Brother, I am sorry you are here but you can either live with someone who doesn't care about you or you can live without them.

There are plenty of decent women in the world. Go out and meet one.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

tug said:


> After reading some of the posts on the infidelity topic Im not really sure what to do. My g/f seems sincere, I think if she really wanted to get back with her ex she could. Knowing how this has effected me why would she continue to lie about keeping in contact w/her ex? All she would have to do is tell me she's not willing to give him up and let me decided if thats acceptable to me or not. I have health issues and she can be with someone who can contribute more to a relationship but she insists Im the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with


He meets some of her needs, you meet the remainder of her needs. Which one of you provides the majority of this split? Only she knows. 

She is using both of you to get her emotional needs fulfilled. She is the type of person who cannot be satisfied by one partner alone. She is emotionaly greedy and immature. 

Do not marry this woman. She is not going to stop contacting him, or if she does, she will just find another OM or several others to take his place. You are her steady unsinkable island, but she needs a sea of validation from others 360 degrees around her to feel complete. It is, at the core, a profound character flaw.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

LostViking said:


> He meets some of her needs, you meet the remainder of her needs. Which one of you provides the majority of this split? Only she knows.
> 
> She is using both of you to get her emotional needs fulfilled. She is the type of person who cannot be satisfied by one partner alone. She is emotionaly greedy and immature.
> 
> Do not marry this woman. She is not going to stop contacting him, or if she does, she will just find another OM or several others to take his place. You are her steady unsinkable island, but she needs a sea of validation from others 360 degrees around her to feel complete. It is, at the core, a profound character flaw.


Moving Ahead and Lost Viking I believe you are both correct BUT..... she doesnt need me or the health issues that come along with being with me. I have certain health issues that cause her to make HUGE sacrifices to be with me. One of my health issues is I have multiple chemical sensitivities and because of these sensitivities it means no perfume, no fabric softeners of any kind and the list goes on and on. She has spent literally thousands of dollars to make her house tolerable for me. I need constant fresh air so that means windows open nearly all year, in the summer time it gets HOT and we dont use the a/c and in the winter time it's freezing and we use portable heaters rather than hvac but she hangs in there and does what she has to so we can be together. On the other hand she does all the things that has shown me she doesnt care and cant let go of her ex. 

Who makes those kind of sacrifices for someone only to spend time with some another man? For the past month she has worked extremely hard to show me her hearts in the right place but because she's lied about so many things Im still having a hard time believing her. Thanks again, Tug


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife made me dinner, had sex with me, spent countless hours looking for a new house so we could be together instead of me living apart from her during the week, paid the bills, etc, etc, etc. All the while cheating on me.

The sacrifices are pointless if she is still involved with other men or another man (IMO).

And the fact that what her ex said on the speaker phone did not bother her in the least. WTH. I told my wife many things about the XOM and she even called him an as*ho*e, after D-day 1 in 2011. Yet she was still seeing him. In the military we call it a feint. It is an action to mislead, to distract, to fake, to draw the opponent into thinking something otherwise.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All I can say is never marry her. If you can keep her around for companionship and learn to live with sharing her then that's what you will have to do. Or you will have to boot her.

You do not have the threat of divorce to hold over her head like most of the betrayeds here do. And she has already proven through her actions she will not stop talking to the OM. 

I don't see where you have many options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> All I can say is never marry her. If you can keep her around for companionship and learn to live with sharing her then that's what you will have to do. Or you will have to boot her.
> 
> You do not have the threat of divorce to hold over her head like most of the betrayeds here do. And she has already proven through her actions she will not stop talking to the OM.
> 
> ...


Thank you Bandit but I found out she lied again. This time it was a password to her iTunes account. The password had little meaning and has no access to her personal life but I needed it to upgrade the software on our Mac. She told me she hadnt changed it when in fact she did. This at a time when she needed to be honest with me even about what she had to eat for breakfast, trust starts somewhere apparently to her telling the truth with even the most insignificant details in her life is impossible and is never going to happen. I can understand her not wanting to give me her password to her email account but this password as I said is only used to update the software on our Mac. Im in my mid 50's and at no time have I ever known a woman to lie as much as the one Im currently with. Thanks to all that have taken the time to point me in the right direction and make me see who this person really is.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have to decide what your future is to be----you obviously are not gonna get it to go both ways

Your biggest problem, is one that her last H of 10 yrs couldn't overcome---she likes to and does flirt

All cheaters lie this woman lies, and it doesn't even phase her

She gets put down, it doesn't even phase her

She does things for you---maybe she wants to be Florence Nightingale, to balance her cheating

Whether she has sex with others---who knows---it seems like that didn't come up as a problem in her prior mge

You know her faults---either live with them, and stay with her---or end this relationship, and find someone else---

--there are many other women out there, and yes many of them, will not want a livin-in relationship with you, with your problems---so you have to make some kind of decision---either stay with her, and suck up the fact that she is gonna continue to lie and flirt, and maybe have sex outside your relationship---or leave------its one or the other---

--right now all you are doing is wrecking yourself mentally, and screwing up your own life---but then again---this is your problem and only you can decide how you wanna live your future----but make sure you understand---she probably ain't gonna change for you----she didn't for her X, why would she for you


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

jnj express said:


> You have to decide what your future is to be----you obviously are not gonna get it to go both ways
> 
> Your biggest problem, is one that her last H of 10 yrs couldn't overcome---she likes to and does flirt
> 
> ...


This is absolutely killing me, she didnt have to lie to me. What makes it worst is she kept lying to me even at this very moment she's lying to me. On several occasions I told her if she wanted out this is her chance. All she had to say the words and I'd be gone no questions asked and she said she didnt want to end it. 

I forgot to mention the mens socks that she put on my dresser thinking they were mine. When I saw them I asked her who they belonged to, she said she didnt know. When I put a pair of my socks up to the pair she put on my dresser it was obvious the socks didnt belong to me. Two people live here and one of us knows nothing about the socks while the other refuses to tell the truth. 

Everyone that has posted in the thread I created has been right on the money. Like I said I'm in my mid 50's and have had more relationships than I can remember and should be able to see that she's been unfaithful to me but how could I miss it? Thank you all


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

jnj
Whether she has sex with others---who knows---it seems like that didn't come up as a problem in her prior mge
[/QUOTE said:


> We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.
> 
> For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced.
> 
> I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In May my wif stopped lying. But as I look back on all the lies, big and small it is all a sign of disrespect. Why be truthful about anything if you don't respect the person? Why stay in contact with the ex if she wanted to leave him so badly over his drinking? What stay in contact for over 3 years behind your back? 

Don't you think that the socks belonged to someone who left them in your house?

This woman beneath the surfice is very cold and cunning (IMO). 

I believe you are being played big time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK - so she cheated on him with you (not physically, but definitely emotionally accompanied with dishonesty) and now you are upset with her because she is doing the same thing to you. Really?

You get what you pay for, or in this case, what you are willing to accept.

She has shown her pattern of behavior and will not change. The question is are you willing to live with this?

The socks that do not belong to you is a big red flag that she is probably physical with some one other than you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tug said:


> This is absolutely killing me, she didnt have to lie to me. What makes it worst is she kept lying to me even at this very moment she's lying to me. On several occasions I told her if she wanted out this is her chance. All she had to say the words and I'd be gone no questions asked and she said she didnt want to end it.
> 
> I forgot to mention the mens socks that she put on my dresser thinking they were mine. When I saw them I asked her who they belonged to, she said she didnt know. *When I put a pair of my socks up to the pair she put on my dresser it was obvious the socks didnt belong to me.* Two people live here and one of us knows nothing about the socks while the other refuses to tell the truth.
> 
> Everyone that has posted in the thread I created has been right on the money. Like I said I'm in my mid 50's and have had more relationships than I can remember and should be able to see that she's been unfaithful to me but how could I miss it? Thank you all


Oh man. That is bad. 

She has had either the ex H over to the house for some wangdang, or someone else. 

She is cheating on you and gaslighting you, trying to make you think you are the crazy one. _"Of course those socks are yours! Don't be silly. Here, calm down and drink this coolaide I made for you dear!"_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tug said:


> We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.
> 
> For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced.
> 
> I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?


Well, since you played a role in breaking up her first marriage, it sounds like you are getting dragged behind the Karma Horse.

Sorry man, I can't feel sorry for you. 

But... having said that, you have the opportunity now to extruicate yourself from this cheating woman and go out and develop a healthy relationship with a single woman who isn't a trollop.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

tug said:


> We met at the gym, because I asked her if I could work in with her she thought I was interested. After that we'd seen each other around town which is very odd when you consider the size of town we live in. We'd see each other at the gym and she pursued me even though she was married. We spent time talking in her truck but it never advanced into a sexual relationship because she was married, that went on for about a month than she told me she told her soon to be ex she wanted a divorce. She told him that she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore but she knew the real reason why she was leaving him it was because of me, she tries to justify it saying she told him two years before that she wanted a divorce unless he stopped drinking and he never did. Before we had sex I made her show me the divorce papers, I didnt want to think that I was the one that broke up their marriage. They lived together for 10 months after the divorce was final but he knew about me within days of her telling him she wanted a divorce.
> 
> *For the life of me I cant figure why a man would want to stay in contact with his ex knowing she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not. She gave me emotions she wasnt willing to give to her ex and he still took her calls and answered her texts for at least 3 years after they were divorced. *
> I told her now that I leave to lose my number and never call or text me. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend? Besides what kind of "friend" does that?


Why aren't you asking this, "Why for the life of me I cant figure out why a woman would want to stay in contact with her ex knowing she left him due to his drinking, after she had emotionally bonded with another man, sex or not?" 

You state that he still took her calls and answered her text for at least 3 years after they D. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend?

The answer= she never ended it with him. She never left him other then legally divorce him and moved in with you. You have her tell you how bad her ex was, and you have the ex telling you how bad she is. Yet for all this badness they have been in communication for over 3 years since the D. 

Now you have years of texts, etc. a pair of socks that don't belong to you. Hel* she does not even know your socks and you have been living together for how long? I rarely do the laundry and I know my socks, my son's socks and my wife's socks. 

Like I said before, the two of them are playing you for some reason and playing you big time.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I appreciate everyones honesty but I had no intentions to break up her marriage she told me it was over between her and her H long before it turned emotional. She was talking to some other guy about leaving him long before she met me because she wasnt sure who else talk to. A couple of months later I walked into the picture. I gave her the screen name and password to this site so she could read the responses,she could have posted her side of the story. I just got off the phone with her and she was upset with all the negative replies, the only thing she commented on where I misrepresented the truth is he drank ALLOT more than I was aware of and his drinking wasn't only limited to the weekend. She had been telling him for years to stop drinking and he didnt. He knew there was a problem and if he didn't fix the problem he was going to lose his wife which is exactly what happened. 

I believe in the golden rule, I believe in Karma. I was married for 13 years and my wife told me she wanted a divorce because she was homesick and wanted to be with her family that was 1300 mikes away. I didnt have to deal with infidelity but it still hurt and there is no way I would want someone else to feel that kind of pain because of me. 

I just told her she needs to go back to her ex, sure it hurts but anytime you have two people who keep saying they want nothing to do with the other but cant stop calling and texting each other speaks volumes. He went as far as saying she was the reason why he drank more and she'd still text him back if he were to text her tells me regardless of what he says about her she'll give him the attention he needs regardless of how it effects me and will do everything possible to hide their relationship. At least she was honest with him, thats more than I got.

Do I deserve this? Yeah I guess I do to a certain degree but what I deserved more was the truth. What's even more upsetting is I was actually begging for the truth for such a long time and I was given anything but. Had she told me 3 years ago that she was still in contact with her ex as much as she was I would have bowed out of the picture and moved on with my life.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> You state that he still took her calls and answered her text for at least 3 years after they D. Why would I allow someone who completely disregarded my feelings back into my life even as a friend?
> 
> The answer= she never ended it with him. She never left him other then legally divorce him and moved in with you. You have her tell you how bad her ex was, and you have the ex telling you how bad she is. Yet for all this badness they have been in communication for over 3 years since the D.
> 
> Now you have years of texts, etc. a pair of socks that don't belong to you. Hel* she does not even know your socks and you have been living together for how long? I rarely do the laundry and I know my socks, my son's socks and my wife's socks.


You are so right, just because they were divorced by no means they stopped caring about each other.

When I first found out about their "friendship" I sent him a private message on FB. I dont quite remember what it said but it wasnt nasty or threatening. When I told my g/f about it the first thing she said was "you didnt hurt his feelings did you?" My jaw hit the ground. His feelings, what about my feelings? She said she didnt want to drag him into this and hurt him more than he's been hurt. I told her she was the one that brought him into this and if he got hurt it was on her not me.

The day he sent a text after he was told to let it go I was irate. I called him and said some choice words to him thats when he talked trash about her and she heard how he really felt about her. She wasnt upset about what he said about her she was upset because of what I told him. Unbelievable.When it came between him and I she always chose to protect his feelings over mine

Just admitting to this on an open forum even though no one here knows me I feel like a spineless, pathetic fool. Who allows anyone to treat them like that knowing that person cares for someone else?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

tug said:


> You are so right, just because they were divorced by no means they stopped caring about each other.
> 
> When I first found out about their "friendship" I sent him a private message on FB. I dont quite remember what it said but it wasnt nasty or threatening. When I told my g/f about it the first thing she said was "you didnt hurt his feelings did you?" My jaw hit the ground. His feelings, what about my feelings? She said she didnt want to drag him into this and hurt him more than he's been hurt. I told her she was the one that brought him into this and if he got hurt it was on her not me.
> 
> ...


She was not upset by what he said because she knew the truth. And of course she protected the one she loves.

So you realize that you are a pathetic fool and are spineless. Now that you had your little pity party, move on. She has been fooling you for years. She never gave a mouse turd about you. If she had, she would never have continued with the ex. No one who really cares about a person would behave in such an immature way. 

She is a cheating lying idiot and is not worth your time.

At least you are not married. And her ex is right about her. That is more than likely one truth he has told you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

What I presume by reading your story is this:

Your GF was looking for an exit affair during her first marriage. She found you. You were her swinging vine to avoid being without attention and affection while she extricated herself from the marriage. That should have been your first clue about her ability to be faithful.

She's not the type to be without a man. I doubt she'd ever leave you before she has another one the hook. But you can count on her planning another exit. Perhaps it's the ex, but if not it will be someone else.

She is a compulsive liar and an attention seeker.

She not only had a EA with her ex, but a PA. I mean really, what's in it for him ex otherwise.

She may be 51, but she has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old.

Be thankful you didn't marry her. You deserve better.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am surprised she has any exes that are alive! 

You sure this man is real? You sure her job isn't just proceeds from many life insurances?


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

badmemory said:


> OP,
> 
> What I presume by reading your story is this:
> 
> ...


Your presumptions are spot on. 

She read the replies to this entire thread and is now saying theres nothing left for us to talk about. Rather than coming home she went to watch her grandsons football practice so she wouldnt have to deal with the problems she created. She sent me a text telling me she'd be home but she had to run an errand first. I know her well enough to know that when she's being vague she's up to no good. Why Im I hanging on so tightly to someone that doesnt give a shi*t about me? I know its over, who takes 3 years to make their ex feel better but only 2 months to fix the problems shes created for me in my life? Thank you all


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're not a fool. Just a guy who loves a woman. A bad woman. Move on and next time choose more carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You're not a fool. Just a guy who loves a woman. A bad woman. Move on and next time choose more carefully.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit in all honesty when it comes to making a commitment with a woman Im the last person that you can count on. I was married twice and never strayed but dating was different. 

3 years ago I thought I met someone who was worth changing my ways and making the commitment I hadnt been able to make before. Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

tug said:


> . . . Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?


The divorce rate among "Christians" in the U.S. is the same as for the general population. "Evangelical Christians" have an even higher divorce rate. If you want to know why, click the link below:

Christian denial and institutional resistance to change. | Dalrock


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## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

I think there is more going on with both of you. Tug you are not blameless in all this. You may be in your 50s and had lots of relationships but you may be doing the same thing wrong over and over.
First of all you are really controlling. You are also, high maintenance. Ok I know that is not nice to hear and I am not saying it to hurt you but you can not move forward unless you admit if there are things you could change.
You are spending a lot of time and energy on this person because you have difficulty with not being in control. Yeh she lied , well get over it. Look at the bigger picture ...take away this whole talking to the ex thing and was the relationship from HER perspective all that flawless my guess is no but she could not get anywhere with working it out with you.
There are two sides to the story and you would serve yourself well to try and figure out her side.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tug said:


> Bandit in all honesty when it comes to making a commitment with a woman Im the last person that you can count on. I was married twice and never strayed but dating was different.
> 
> 3 years ago I thought I met someone who was worth changing my ways and making the commitment I hadnt been able to make before. Had I known this woman who calls herself a Christian, listens to or reads the bible everyday would be the biggest lair I've ever hooked up with there is no way I would have mad such a commitment. Hell, she was a deconess at her church, I mean how can you go wrong with someone who believes so strongly in the lord?


I'm going to catch heat for this but....

Never look for a wife in church. I'm a Christian, I've got nothing against Christian women, but I have been around enough to know that about 50% of the single or divorced women in church are screwed up beyond belief, and most of them are hypocrites like your old lady.

Nah, ditch this chick.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> The divorce rate among "Christians" in the U.S. is the same as for the general population. "Evangelical Christians" have an even higher divorce rate. If you want to know why, click the link below:
> 
> Christian denial and institutional resistance to change. | Dalrock


Thank you for the link but the only thing that matters is she's not willing to put the work in to make what she's done to me right. All I can see is she was willing to give her ex 3 years of her live to ease his pain and gave me 2 months of lying and going behind my back and more than likely cheating on me. All I ever asked for was the truth and to be treated like a human being and I got none of that. When she had a the chance to let me go she didnt and made me believe she was sincere so I held on to that. Truth is she doesnt care and never did. Thank you all for taking the time to help me through the most difficult time in my life.


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## RaceCarMan (Dec 6, 2010)

Tug, your story sounds eerily familiar to me... and I know the heartbreak you may be going through.

I'd suggest you have a peek at Borderline Personality Disorder; some of what you describe could meet that criteria in your gf's behaviour. 

Oddly enough, my ex broke up with me under bizarre conditions, and two years later, was still sending me text messages that ranged from "still loving you" to outright utter crazed bizarreness.. and I know that during our relationship, she regularly kept in touch with her ex (as well as other men from her past).

It's called "triangulation." The odd thing was it was behaviour she would accuse me of, which was absolutely not what I did at all. The odd time I would talk to my ex-wife because of some issue with our children, my ex would suddenly accuse me of secretly planning on getting back together - even though my ex-wife and I have been separated/divorced since 1997. 

The advice given to you is what I wish I heard, five years ago... being with someone like what you describe can utterly change and destroy you.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

RaceCarMan said:


> Tug, your story sounds eerily familiar to me... and I know the heartbreak you may be going through.
> 
> I'd suggest you have a peek at Borderline Personality Disorder; some of what you describe could meet that criteria in your gf's behaviour.
> 
> ...


Race car man this woman has been sexually molested from the ages of 4 years old to 9 years old. Does she have issues? Im sure she does unfortnetly when I didnt know how severe they were till it was to late.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BPD might be a culprit in this. 

Or she might just be a lying ho.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Tug, I feel your pain. She's a attention seeker / co-dependent can't belone. If she didn't have you there, I bet she has many ships ready to come into port. You have to take some blame in this. Sorry to say...you started seeing her when she living with her ex still. *Don't be someone rebound*. She was only looking for someone to warm her bed. 

Tug, four years ago my 26 years marriage ended. He had a affair. Guess what? His relationship is now sour and he started texting me after four years. People like these can't stand alone. Go be with a women who knows what she has when she is with you. Block her number she only using you!


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## sickofittoday (Jun 20, 2011)

If you have to get her to stop emotionally cheating by force, then it's not really her doing the deciding. She wants to cheat. You cannot change that with threats.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

hereinthemidwest said:


> Tug, I feel your pain. She's a attention seeker / co-dependent can't belone. If she didn't have you there, I bet she has many ships ready to come into port. You have to take some blame in this. Sorry to say...you started seeing her when she living with her ex still. *Don't be someone rebound*. She was only looking for someone to warm her bed.
> 
> Tug, four years ago my 26 years marriage ended. He had a affair. Guess what? His relationship is now sour and he started texting me after four years. People like these can't stand alone. Go be with a women who knows what she has when she is with you. Block her number she only using you!


Thank you Here, last night I told her she needed to say it was over and thats exactly what she did. Like an idiot this morning I asked her to stay home from work so we could talk. First she said no than she said she'd only work a half day than she said she'd stay home the entire day. Here telling me she'd go to work half a day makes me believe that theres something going on at work. She cant drive but yet she HAD to go in for half a day. Does that sound suspicious? 

She has seizures, here lately she's had 2 grand mal seizures the first time she had one they made her stop driving for 30 days she had the second one 45 days after the first and she told her Dr she wasnt going to drive for 3 months which is the standard rule and the Dr said thats what she was going to recommend. A week later she was behind the wheel and driving as if she never had a seizure. I told her she needs to get a release from her Dr, if she has a seizure while she's driving she could kill someone. She naturally thinks Im trying to make her life hard on her but none of this is my doing. She lied to the Dr and led her to believe she wasnt going to drive for 3 months and the DR concurred. Had she been honest with the Dr and the Dr didnt see a problem with her driving than its out of my hands. 

She's actually mad at me because she feels she cant depend on me to give her a ride to and from work. I told her I actually enjoy taking her and picking her up, it gives us one on one time together without any distractions but if she cant keep her word for more than a day than I'll be damed if Im going to do anything to make her life any easier. Now her daughter picks her up 2 hours early because of her schedule and she has to take the bus home. Once she gets off the bus its a 5 mile walk home.I could pick her up at the bus stop but again she's completely destroyed my life I see no reason in helping someone who disrespects me as much as she does. She's essentially turned an 8 hour day into a 12 -13 hour day. If she needs someone to give her a ride Im sure he ex will be more than happy to donate his services. 

The relationship is over not because I want it to be but because she feels that she has tried for nearly 2 months to show me she's sincere and according to her nothings worked but when it came to her ex she gave him 3 years of her life and sacrificed my feelings and our relationship to make him feel better. Whats wrong with this picture?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Well if your XGF is still reading this.

Those socks came of of another man's feet. Why would there be socks left behind? Someone fixing the plumbing, or working on the electric wouldn't take their socks to do their job...

So where did the socks come from?... Someone getting dressed in a hurry because the BF came home early most likely.


tug, she was cheating on you. She was having an EA for 3 years. Who knows how long the PA was going on for.

I know that you love this woman, but she will never be true to you(and probably anyone else either). The pain you're going to experience now is less than if you wait to move on.

She's doesn't care that she has and continues to hurt you. This won't go away. Listen to your head, not your heart, don't let her talk you into staying together. She will only make you suffer even more.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Update; She cant drive because her grand mal seizures so in order for her to see that my heart was in the right place I offered to get up at 4:30 and give her a ride home at 2"30. The entire time she was questioning my integrity so I finally said "fine walk". I have just got off her Verizon account and opened a t-mobile account. She doesn't know it yet but she will soon be hit with a 300.00 early termination fee.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

I'm going to be harsher than most. 

I've read this whole thread, and before I even came to her post, I already concluded as did Antheia; I think you are highly controlling, and _that's_ why she doesn't care what you think. She's wanted an out for a long time. All the controlling and invasive phone calls and calling the ex etc, I mean, where's your dignity? 

Are you explosive? Do you raise your voice a lot? Get annoyed when things arent' going your way? Who does all the cooking/cleaning etc. Her? You? Evenly split? I wonder that if you have all these allergies, you possibly don't work, and she is the main breadwinner and also 'carer' for you? Did she spend all that money on getting the apartment set up for you because you whine otherwise?
I suspect in relationship you are demanding, especially when you use words like "she has to prove to me", and "FB or me", and then you getting on and sending messages etc. That's controlling, manipulative behaviour. All across your posts I see language and phrases that come across as more than just rightful justice or her being honest with you, but rather, petulant _insistence_. I bet you've drilled the "all I want is honesty" into her over and over again and she still hasn't got it, right? Might have something to do with the 'drilling', which might also be applied to other, less contentious areas, and as everyone knows, drills start to become painful and noisy. I'm not suggesting she should lie to you, only, as you will see further down, I wonder if she has a very good reason for it...self-protection from obnoxious self-righteous and whiney behaviour. Not saying that's you, but it's certainly a reason why someone would lie. Certainly why I wound up lying to the controlling, demanding abusers I was in relationship with. 

You are also come across as spiteful and vindictive- when you don't get your own way, you change the phones to ensure she's punished with a large bill. Do you usually somehow 'get back' at someone when they do something you don't like or you feel they've 'done you wrong'? 

Is the reason she doesn't want a ride with you is that the whole way there you talk, talk, talk and talk _at_ her, not with her? Or just ask a whole bunch of questions all the time and she has to tailor her answer for your 'approval'. (Although you won't notice this because it's all about how she's living up to what you want and whether her answers are 'acceptable' to you-even topics that are not related to her behaviour.). Are you always 'right'? Are you always finding some fault with some aspect of her views or opinions, where she goes, what she does, what she buys? Do you insist on knowing where she is at all times? Does she need to 'check in' with you? I surmise that the saying you are 'not reliable' is just a way of trying to get out of it without confronting you directly. No woman in a controlling, and perhaps abusive relationship, either physical or emotional abuse is going to say to her partner, "you are controlling and abusive" for fear of the response, which could range from anything from a verbal dressing down to being pushed in the chest, to outright slap in the head. 
Just to put perspective on it, she may have problems, she indeed may have BPD. But I can also relate to her situation, and offer this story as a perspective:

I was once engaged to a guy who was very controlling. I broke off the engagement. Then there was enormous pressure from him, and emotional blackmail, and promises of behaviour change, to get me back again. So eventually I got worn down and I agreed, but I felt pushed. I didn't feel strong or safe enough to say 'no'. He was an emotional bully who wasn't really all that interested in me or my feelings, it was all about _him_. So what I did was one night I got drunk and slept with my housemate. The only time I ever had a one night stand, which I didn't believe in. I told him about it. Because secretly I believed he would drop me if I did this. And he didn't. He didn't drop me. Deep down, I didn't want to marry him, I knew I didn't want to, but there was so much pressure, from him ,from his family, plus my Dad had just died and I was very messed up...and very young.... At the same time, there was a friend whom he did not want me to hang around with, because he was a 'bad boy'. Yet despite what my fiance wanted, I felt more comfortable and happy and like I could 'be myself' with this 'bad boy' (who was always very good to me, though he used up other women) ,and I virtually couldn't stay away from him. Yes, you can say what I did was wrong, that I should've broken up with the fiance, but I was terrified of him. I was also getting my emotional needs met by this other guy. Well, suffice it to say I went and got married, the 'bad boy'' was even a groomsman, and 3.5 years later the marriage was a controlling, abusive mess and I left. Twenty years later, the 'bad boy' tracks me down via FB and strikes up a friendship with me which has quickly turned romantic, and I am as serious about him as he is about me. (He's no longer 'bad'). What's the moral of the story? That the guy I couldn't keep away from in my early 20's turns out to be, 20 years on, triggering the same feelings as back then, only now I have the benefit of time, distance and seperation and maturity to see it for what it was. I _couldn't_ stay away from him, despite my fiance's demands, even though I sometimes felt bad, because I was in love with the bad boy. I just didn't have the maturity or strength of character to be able to do this or even admit this to myself. So I kept hanging out with him, going out, (my fiance was in another state), But I couldn't admit how I felt. Instead, I went with the 'safe', albeit controlling man. Falling in love with the 'bad boy' this time around 20 years later was easy - because it never went away. Now we are both free to pursue it, and he's the best man I've ever had-treats me wonderfully well, and I understand my childish behaviour much more now. I was just too scared to be without the fiance.

I imagine she has an element of fear operating in her - fear of you. She may need the attention of other men and will never be faithful, but my guess is she's also not getting what she needs from you. And perhaps like I did when young, she's hoping that her bad behaviour causes you to break it off so she doesn't have to and face your ire or demands to 'make it work'. I'm sorry if this isnt' as sympathetic as the other posts, but I see elements of where you are causing the problem, and that she may well indeed be shut down and has no 'voice' in the relationship. At no point have I seen any ponderance as to what you might be doing that might be contributing to this relationship breakdown? It's all about _her._ You mention, but do not elaborate on, several, if not many, previous relationships. Whilst there's been call to find out why she got a divorce, I'd also be asking about _your_ history. How come you've never sustained a relationship? What would your previous partners say about you? What was your part in the breakdown? If you say 'nothing, it all happened, she this, she that', then you confirm what I suspect; though can't confirm, that you have a tendency toward highly controlling behaviour (for her own good, or the relationship, I imagine) and probably a temper along with it.

She lies because she hopes you will break it off - that way she doesn't have to be afraid of you. I notice throughout the entire thread it's always about her, what she does, how she does things wrong...what about you? 
She lies to you because she's afraid of you, and doesn't love you, although at first she probably did until your 'other side' started to show, and that's why it was so easy for her to tell you it's over once you showed the thread (to me, is another indication of someone who is controlling and dominant) it was easy for her to just say it's over. Because the thread shows you've been discussing it, and she's seeing how you've written questioning whether you should be with her, and so now she now has 'permission' to say it's over, because she can see that you are already heading in that direction. Whew! Now you won't cause a scene. You may not like this post, but I felt I wanted to suggest another side to it. As someone who has been with abusive, controlling men, who act like the victim all the time but don't ever question their own behaviour, and how it's all _her _fault, I understand how she might feel. 
I would be very curious to know what her response would be to _my_ post. Or, if you are controlling, perhaps this is one you would make sure she doesn't see? And if so, would you be afraid that she might agree with some of it? A person who is not a bully or abusive or overly controlling would feel totally confident in showing my post to their partner. A person who does exhibit those behaviours, however, would not want to show it for fear of being confirmed. And if this is you, then you might need to get some help to enact some behaviour and attitude changes yourself if you are ever to sustain a healthy relationship.

I am not saying I am right in all of this - just that I see other possibilities. But I do know this much:
I hope you can seperate amicably and stop any spite and vindictiveness now. It will only eat you.

Metta


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wow Matta....

I need to pack a lunch the next time I read one of your posts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Miss Metta said:


> I'm going to be harsher than most.
> 
> I've read this whole thread, and before I even came to her post, I already concluded as did Antheia; I think you are highly controlling, and _that's_ why she doesn't care what you think. She's wanted an out for a long time. All the controlling and invasive phone calls and calling the ex etc, I mean, where's your dignity?
> 
> ...


Ms Metta, Im going to lay it on the line. I have mold hypersensitiveness which means I am extremely sensitivity to something that is everywhere but I cant see. Her house is/was moldy, in order for me to stay here I have to inject my thigh with a supplement called glutathione it has to be frozen, it cost $180.00/month. Because of mold I have had to move 13 times in the past two years because I couldn't find a safe place to stay and each and everytime I'd move I would have to throw away what few clothes I had and start all over with nothing but the clothes on my back. Last winter the hotel room I was in was making me so sick I had abandon it in the middle of blizzard and sleep in my truck, all I had were the clothes on my back. I was so cold that I thought I would freeze to death and was upset the next morning when I woke up because I didnt freeze to death, thats how hopeless my situations is/was.

I have been hospitalized on several occasions and each time I was hospitalized she came and saw me once. According to our cell phone records she was calling or texting the entire time I was in the hospital. 

This is her house and even though I pay rent when she's done watching the tv and Im on the laptop but still watching tv she turns it off. I have to have an air purifier in my bedroom and the living room, one day before she went to work she was upset for God only knows what and unplugged the air purifier making it harder for me to breath. The glutathione I mentioned earlier has to be keept frozen and she has the key to the deep freeze. A couple of weeks ago I called and asked her where the key was, she said she didnt know. I knew she knew where it was so I kept texting her, she finally, responded "why should I tell you?" I had to go the compounding pharmacy and buy more thats how sick i was. When she came home she unlocked the freezer

Im on her cell phone account and we are both administrators, when she gets mad at me for whatever it is and she doesnt like that I've unintentionally done she takes me off the account. The phone still works but I cant see what the bill is or any of my activity. She's not giving me anything I pay 50% of the bill but yet because she gets mad at anything I do she makes it impossible for me to access an account I pay for. Why would I stay on an account that I pay for but cant access? 

If Im controlling as you say than why was I the one begging/crying for her to treat me like she treats everyone else or just give me what she demanded, the truth? She thought I was talking to some woman on my phone not to long ago, when she went on break I didnt take her call was outraged. When we finally did talk she called me every name in the book and broke up with me. When I told her it was my mom she actually made me swear on my mothers soul (which I wouldnt do) that it was my mom and MADE me give her my moms phone number to verify I was talking to her. In the meantime she's calling and texting her ex, calling and texting another male co-worker and someone she met on FB and until recently I knew none of it.

Regardless I love this woman but I have given her dozens of opportunities to end the relationship and I swore I wouldn't beg or cry if she broke up with me. I'd get what few things mold hasnt taken away from me and I'd leave. She chose to be with me, no one forced or manipulated her. She made the decision to work on the relationship on her own free will. How am I controlling?

SHE HAS GRAND MAL SEIZURES that can strike at anytime. She lied to her Dr and said she wouldnt drive and her Dr said she wouldnt recommend getting behind the wheel. How would you feel if you lost a family member because someone was driving who had a history of Grand Mal seizures, was told not to drive but drove anyway? I told her yesterday it doesnt matter to me if she drives or not, if she kills someone thats on her not me. She saw my point of view and is having someone take her to work and is catching the bus home. Again, thats her decision not mine




> I would be very curious to know what her response would be to my post. Or, if you are controlling, perhaps this is one you would make sure she doesn't see? And if so, would you be afraid that she might agree with some of it? A person who is not a bully or abusive or overly controlling would feel totally confident in showing my post to their partner. A person who does exhibit those behaviours, however, would not want to show it for fear of being confirmed. And if this is you, then you might need to get some help to enact some behaviour and attitude changes yourself if you are ever to sustain a healthy relationship.


She has the screen name and the password to this account and even though I encouraged her to respond to any of this she chose not to. She'll tell her family and friends what an evil monster I am but refuses to allow me equal time so I can explain how she has completely broke me down and Im not anything like the person she's made me out to be. I want her to post but she refuses, thats how controlling I am.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

sickofittoday said:


> If you have to get her to stop emotionally cheating by force, then it's not really her doing the deciding. She wants to cheat. You cannot change that with threats.


Sick, she constantly reminds me that she hasn't talked to her ex since I told him to let go and move on. My reply is that had i not found out and made her stop texting him it would have never stopped. I told her because she was basically forced to stop texting him and didnt want to stop that it's just a matter of time till she starts up again. He'll find a reason to text her and she'll justify replying and it wont stop. 

She's wised up and realized that we shared cell phone accounts and could see whose calling her or texting her. She can control who she calls but cant control who calls her. It looks suspicious when she gets a call from the same number on numerous occasions during the course of the day, she talks to that person for no more than a few minutes and hangs up. She's got her work phone and can call that number from there. She knows that if I saw her talking on her cell phone for an extended period of time to the same number I'd ask her about it. Liars cheat and cheaters lie, she's all that and more.




bandit.45 said:


> I'm going to catch heat for this but....
> 
> Never look for a wife in church. I'm a Christian, I've got nothing against Christian women, but I have been around enough to know that about 50% of the single or divorced women in church are screwed up beyond belief, and most of them are hypocrites like your old lady.
> 
> Nah, ditch this chick.


Bandit you are wise beyond your years. I have told my ex for years that IMO Christians are some of the biggest hypocrites around. We were going to a Christian church and there was something about the Pastor I didnt like. Come to find out after going to that church for a couple of months that very pastor was fired because he was having an affair with a woman he was counseling to help her fix her marriage. Please understand I dont think all Christians are like this just the preacher of a church we were going to and my ex


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

tug said:


> Bandit you are wise beyond your years. I have told my ex for years that IMO Christians are some of the biggest hypocrites around. We were going to a Christian church and there was something about the Pastor I didnt like. Come to find out after going to that church for a couple of months that very pastor was fired because he was having an affair with a woman he was counseling to help her fix her marriage. Please understand I dont think all Christians are like this just the preacher of a church we were going to and my ex


When I was a teenager there was a head trustee at our church who was having an affair with one of the church secretaries. This trustee was popular with the men in the church and a wealthy tyther. When word got to this gal's husband that this church leader was banging his wife, he went to the pastor and the board of elders and demanded the trustee be kicked out of his office and exposed to the congregation. 

Well, instead, this group of deacons decided to fire the guy's wife and then they asked the man and his wife to leave the church. When my dad found out that they were protecting the trustee he quit the church and we never went there again. Unbelievable.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I just found a text message that my EX girlfriend sent to her snake in the grass daughter. She has apperently been using her daughters iCould email address to post on Craigs list. My g/f created her own craigslist account when she sold her iPhone so why she would need her daughters iCloud account is beyond me. Something tells me she's posting on the personals


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your girlfriend is slime. Sorry Tug but its the truth. 

Get out of there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Your girlfriend is slime. Sorry Tug but its the truth.
> 
> Get out of there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit you are so right and it hurts like hell. She keeps saying how much she loves me and cares for me but keeps lying. Im not sure if she's telling me how much she cares to spare my feelings, if thats the case why cant she see making me believe something that isnt is only going to make it worst on me. 

Because of my illness I cant just go to any hotel or apartment. Finding a safe place to live is a very complicated procedure. I know quite a few people who live in tents in the desert because of their mold hypersensitivity. I met someone on a mold forum, her and I became very good close friends because we felt each others pain. Ultimately she felt like she had run out of options and couldn't find a safe place to live so she took her own life. She sent me an email right after she took the phenobarbitol (sp) telling me she was sorry but she just couldn't take running from mold anymore. The reason why we became so close is we both knew we were running out of options due to mold and felt suicide was the only way out. PLEASE understand I AM NOT suicidal I just have a long hard road ahead of me and doing it with a broken heart only makes it worst.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

tug said:


> Bandit you are so right and it hurts like hell. She keeps saying how much she loves me and cares for me but keeps lying. Im not sure if she's telling me how much she cares to spare my feelings, if thats the case why cant she see making me believe something that isnt is only going to make it worst on me.
> 
> Because of my illness I cant just go to any hotel or apartment. Finding a safe place to live is a very complicated procedure. I know quite a few people who live in tents in the desert because of their mold hypersensitivity. I met someone on a mold forum, her and I became very good close friends because we felt each others pain. Ultimately she felt like she had run out of options and couldn't find a safe place to live so she took her own life. She sent me an email right after she took the phenobarbitol (sp) telling me she was sorry but she just couldn't take running from mold anymore. The reason why we became so close is we both knew we were running out of options due to mold and felt suicide was the only way out. PLEASE understand I AM NOT suicidal I just have a long hard road ahead of me and doing it with a broken heart only makes it worst.


Tug,

First, I understand you are in pain and feel miserable...

I think some factors (not only your GF lies) contributed to that...

1. Your health conditions;
2. Your GF is in active comms with her ex and lies to you;
3. Worries about finding a place for living;
4. Last but not least, your close female friend committed suicide.

Probably you can have a look at that from other angle?

1. Health - sorry... Frankly speaking, don't know what to suggest...

2. GF: You told that your GF invested a lot to make her house good for you so, obviously, she cared about you and your needs. 

3. Regarding future place for living - you lived somewhere before you moved in with your current GF... So, it's possible to find such a place again - you did it before. I am just thinking that probably your best option would be to have your own place and your GF moves in with you? 

4. The other thing - you developed online close friendship with a woman who committed suicide. It hurts badly to lose such a close friend. TAM would classify that as EA I guess... I also assume (maybe wrongly) that your GF didn't know about that woman...

I would suggest that you re-evaluate your current situation and all the factors on a rational level and then make your decision.


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

Been a while since I've posted on this board because I've had my own road to travel. Unfortunately, I see the world is just as I left it.

First, let me say how sorry I am for what you're going through. We all know how painful it can be. And I know hearing how sorry we are doesn't really help.

Second, there is a ton of excellent advice on here from many who have seen this show before. Sure, the players are different, and the scenery changes, but the scripts are all the same.

Lastly, try to take a step back and see your situation in an objective light. Get the opinions of outsiders, not just from here, but from people who know you. Take the "average" of their perspective then compare that to what your "gut" has been telling you all along. I think you'll be surprised how closely aligned they are.

People come here in anguish and desperation, and whatever they may say to the contrary, they're all really seeking some magic insight that will save their relationship. There's no magic. Whether a relationship is salvageable, is (sadly) not entirely up to you. It takes two for a relationship (not three, or more) to work, and you can only control you.

It's been said elsewhere, I'm sure, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You can't change other people. You can wait around for them to change themselves if you want to, but I think deep down you know that she is who she is.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Aerith said:


> Tug,
> 
> 1. Health - sorry... Frankly speaking, don't know what to suggest...
> 
> ...


I have to admit Im pretty desperate but not so desperate to do anything foolish enough to harm myself others please understand that. I've been kicked to the curb before I survived the heartache than I'll survive it now. 

We'll call my friend who took her life Carla. Carla lived in Australia so we never met and I only saw a picture she sent me via email. When I met Carla I had just moved from the 4 or 5th ****roach motel in less than 3 months ( I had to rent by the month since it was cheaper, 2 years I had to move 14 times due to mold). Everytime I moved it was because there was a water leak and mold was allowed to grow or the HVAC in the motel became moldy so when I moved into the hotel I'd have new clothes (cant used clothes from Goodwill) and within days would start to feel sick again so I'd have to leave that hotel and find another one, discard all my newly purchased clothes and start the process all over again which is exactly what happened to Carla. 

Anyway, my g/f broke up with me and I ran out of money and places to move to so I moved into my sisters house but after a couple of weeks started getting sick again which is when Carla and I started emailing one another even though my sisters house was making me sick I had no choice but to stay there. One night I went back to my g/f's house to talk and I started feeling better. I ended groveling my way back into her life and its been one fight after another since. We were either fighting that I was spending to much time on the internet trying to regain my health after my mold exposure or the men my g/f was flirting with (her words) on FB, she never even mentioned her ex. At the time sadly the only thing Carla and I talked about was suicide, we both knew time was running out and we had no other options and yes i told my g/f about my friendship with Carla when I moved back in with her. 

I dont want my relationship to end with my g/f and I know for a fact she's not talking to her ex. He called my g/f's daughter and told her to tell her mom (my g/f) he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. The problem Im having is for the last 3 years my g/f would put me through hell if I talked or even looked at another woman but she was calling or texting not just her ex but according to her phone records several men. I asked her last night if she was going to make an appointment for couples therapy and she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go only because she knows I'll keep looking for more things that happened 2-3 years ago and she'll have to answer for them and shes right to a degree. I told her that if she loved me and cared for me as much as she says she does than she wouldnt hesitate calling a therapist. 

She said I could continue to live with her but watching her move on with her life while Im still trying to put my life back together due to her cheating and lying would be more than I could handle.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I've been doing allot of research lately and the one area I never thought about was the amount of data my lying, cheating g/f uses on her phone. Were on the same cell phone account so I can see how much data she uses on an hourly basis.

To better understand data usage if your cell phone is using a wi-fi connection its not using data but once it starts using anything other than a wi-fi connection it starts using data. Applications like Skype use large amounts of data so if your s/o is using Skype, Yahoo phone or Google phone expect to see a surge in application data. When using data a phone number wont show up on the cell phone bill same with text messages. Theres an text application called Whats App that only uses data wi-fi connection texts sent or received using that application wont show up on your cell phone bill.

Anyway, both me and my g/f use a wi-fi connection both at home and where she works. So far this month she has used 600 megabytes of data to my 70 megabytes of data. On 8/23 between the hours of 8:00 & 9:00 am she used 200 megabytes which is more than I use all month. She claims she wants to make this relationship work but wont put an application on her phone to show what applications she's using that are consuming so much data. She's still hiding something but even now that Im ready to walk she cant be honest.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's not going to stop playing you. Get outta there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

tug said:


> Anyway, my g/f broke up with me


This is the same g/f? If so, why did she break up with you? While you seem to focus entirely on her behaviour, you do not seem to say anything about your part in it. 


tug said:


> . One night I went back to my g/f's house to talk and I started feeling better. I ended groveling my way back into her life and its been one fight after another since.


Let's see - you just say you 'groveled' your way back into your g/f's life. Groveling suggests that she wasn't crazy about the idea. Why? Why did she not want you back? Was it because she didn't really want to go on with you anymore but was feeling sorry for your situation? If she broke up with you once before, why are you so surprised about her behaviour? You sound pushy to me. You may have been needy, yes, but from what you say here, she was reluctant, but you pushed back in anyway. You say you don't want to break up with her. Well, what about what she wants? What does she say? Is she even _allowed_ to have a say? I keep noticing that it's all about her..._her _behaviour,_ her_ this, _her _that...how terrible _she's_ treating you. Yet at no point did you answer my former questions about how you are, what your behaviour is like. From everything you say, it's clear to me that she doesn't love you, has let you back in because she feels sorry for you...or you emotionally pushed her into letting you back...and therefore, she lies, because she effectively feels that she is living her own life and doesn't 'owe' you anything. From what you say, she's spelled it out to you, "continue to live with her but watching her _move on with her own life...
_", yet you continue to go on about how much she's lying or hiding from you. How much more do you need? Mate, she _doesn't care._ She's made up her mind. She's as good as told you so.What do you want, a neon sign with lights flashing placed on your lawn?

I hope you can let it go and move on, as others have suggested here. She's not going to change, and no amount of you pushing will change her. Stop obsessing about her, and start to make plans you need to, to take care of your health.
Metta


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Miss Metta said:


> This is the same g/f? If so, why did she break up with you? While you seem to focus entirely on her behaviour, you do not seem to say anything about your part in it.
> Metta


 Metta I had no idea my g/f was someone completely different than the girl I met. I met a woman thats a Christian, donates her time and money to church, she was a deaconess, didnt smoke cuss and more importantly likes to work out. I mean what more could a guy ask for, thats like the perfect woman. 

I became sick and extremely desperate and I still am to a certain extent to this day. Individuals with my health problems dont move from a house that doesnt make them sick, they cant it can mean their life if they move into a house that has mold. I was extremely sick when my g/f was doing all the lying and cheating, the brain fog I experienced was so bad that I couldnt leave the house much less focus on what she was doing. When she would get mad at me for god only knows what the first thing she'd do is break up with me but because of my medical condition I would beg her not to kick me out. 

Her house bothers me much less now than it ever has, because of it my brain fog isnt nearly as bad and I can do things on a computer that I couldnt do before. I found out about everything my g/f was doing because I basically hacked my way into her iPhone. Here's a perfect example. Were texting each other and Im asking her why its taking her so long to respond. She's telling me she's replying as fast as she's getting the text 

_Her-Im answering the second i get a text from you_ 
_Me	No problem, i was just wondering why it took 10 minutes to get a response_ 
_Her-I take great offense to that. A person should NEVER have to EXPECT less of anything positive from their partner. 
Something to keep in mind, i and i believe you have been so happy this week why would i do ANYTHING to change that? ANYTHING._

When I looked at our phone records earlier today I realized she was talking to her ex at the same time she was texting me. Thats why I asked her why it was taking her so long to respond. Rather than be honest with me about it she said "_I take great offense to that. A person should NEVER have to EXPECT less of anything positive from their partner. Something to keep in mind, i and i believe you have been feeling good this week why would i do ANYTHING to change that? ANYTHING."_ Who does that? Who talks to their ex while talking to their boyfriend at the same time and not say a thing about it.

She finally told me the truth about part of her past. She was married 3 times which I knew, what I didn't know is she cheated on 2 of her 3 husbands. Had I known that she was that much of a s*ut I would have never dated her. At the time I had no problem meeting women, physically I looked better than most 20 year olds. I dedicated my life to this woman because I thought she was the one, was I wrong.

Edit; she broke up with me once because I wasnt feeling good so I went to bed, the puppys were in the back yard and one of them dug a whole the size of a .50 piece. There I was sicker than a dog and she was yelling and screaming at me. She didnt talk to me for 2 weeks. During that time I had a birthday, she gave me a clock radio and a generic card that said Happy Birthday she couldnt even take the time to sign it all because of a small hole one of the puppys dug in the back yard. I had to endure her abuse because her house wasnt making me sick and she knew that she could walk all over me and I had no choice but to take it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tug said:


> When I put a pair of my socks up to the pair she put on my dresser it was obvious the socks didnt belong to me.


The socks belong to the OM.

She's a liar and a cheater.



tug said:


> ne day before she went to work she was upset for God only knows what and unplugged the air purifier making it harder for me to breath. The glutathione I mentioned earlier has to be keept frozen and she has the key to the deep freeze. A couple of weeks ago I called and asked her where the key was, she said she didnt know. I knew she knew where it was so I kept texting her, she finally, responded "why should I tell you?"


She's trying to kill you.



tug said:


> She has the screen name and the password to this account


Why? You want her to post here and tell her story so we can all pick sides in a big fight?


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why? You want her to post here and tell her story so we can all pick sides in a big fight?


Because thats the kind of person I am. Right now everyone that has read this thread has heard my side of the story. As truthful and honest as I have been Im sure she had her own side of the story. In reality how can you defend yourself after 3 years of lying and sneaking around? We were supposed to see a therapist this morning but I told her that no therapist in the world is going to help her. The changes she has to make come from within, she said she was going to help her with her anger issues. 

She cheated on me and what she was doing didnt bother her. She cheated on H #1 & H #3 and only thought of her own needs. She wasnt sorry or remorseful and never gave it a second thought, shes the true definition of a sociopath.

I've let go, now I have to find a place that hasnt had mold in the past 7 years, now comes the hard part.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

tug said:


> Because thats the kind of person I am. Right now everyone that has read this thread has heard my side of the story. As truthful and honest as I have been Im sure she had her own side of the story.


You obviously don't understand the purpose of these support forums. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify.

My opinion only of course..

These types of support forums are a place a person goes to get help and advice and support for their situation. It is not a place for the two fighting parties to each "post their side" so a bunch of anonymous internet strangers can figure out who is wrong and who is right and who is telling the truth and who is lying. More often than not, neither party thinks they're being dishonest, they just have their own distorted version of "the truth".

Once both sides start posting on a board like this, it never ends well and once you make your partner aware of your posts here, the advice given loses much of it's value ESPECIALLY if things go south and your partner becomes your most bitter adversary in a highly contested divorce- she will know your strategy and be one step ahead at the very least, and at worst, she'll use the very tactics given to you, against you.

She will also see the posters here referring to her in very derogatory terms and she won't be blaming them so much, she'll be directing her anger at YOU for telling LIES to a bunch of STRANGERS. "If" she posts here at all, she'll certainly come in swinging, and she'll have good reason to do so. 

Bringing her here will make a bad situation much worse.

It's just a REALLY BAD IDEA.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

lenzi said:


> My opinion only of course..
> 
> These types of support forums are a place a person goes to get help and advice and support for their situation. It is not a place for the two fighting parties to each "post their side" so a bunch of anonymous internet strangers can figure out who is wrong and who is right and who is telling the truth and who is lying. More often than not, neither party thinks they're being dishonest, they just have their own distorted version of "the truth".


Her and I dont fight, there's nothing to fight about. She admits that what she did was wrong and was trying to fix something that couldnt be fixed. In my eyes the only time I know she isnt lying is when shes not talking. 

To put everyones mind at ease I changed the password the next day. She might be able to read what Im posting (the truth) but she cant and wont create an account to defend herself. She knows that most people on this group are victims of someone else's selfishness and she'll get slammed by every member here who reads her post. 

Theres no excuse for lying to someone for 3 years especially when they have health issues that have cost them everything they own. She saw my suffering due to my health but she only thought of herself. No amount of therapy can take away the kind of pain she brought into my world


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I moved out Friday evening when she wasnt home. I was in a rush so I left most of my stuff behind. What hurts the most is I had to leave my two shih tzus behind. Daisy and Bo were my life they helped me when I was sitting there all alone and she wasnt home. Daisy is a year older then Bo so he naturally depends on her, wherever Daisy goes Bo follows. I would lay on the sofa on my side and Daisy would lay up against my chest, Bo would lay behind my legs right were my knees bent. We would sleep like that all night and not move. Im living with my sister, she uses allot of chemicals so Im affected by it. Im thinking that its the fabric softner she uses that creates the problem so if I stay out of the bedrooms where the closets are I should be ok. I just had a thought, Im going to ask my sister if I can bring bo and daisy with me. There my life and right now I need all the support I can get. 

I was laying downstairs and thinking of all the things I'd seen her doing behind my back and all the signs that she didnt love me were there but I ignored them. She said she loved me but showed me that she preferred to spend time with her ex. Knowing that it still hurts that a life that meant so much to me no longer exists


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Well done. Did she know you were going to move? You might find she chases after you. Despite that fact that she does not love you (you can also take comfort in the fact that she didn't really love H1 and H2 either, from what your story says). She will only chase after you not because she loves you, but because things have changed, the ball's in the other court. Don't fool yourself if you think she's going to 'suddenly realise what she's lost', it sounds to me that's not going to work in this situation. If you get back together, guaranteed it will happen again. If she couldn't keep promises before, then it's unlikely she will do again.

I don't think it would be rude to ask your sister if she could try and use natural products for her cleaning - you could even do some research and suggest some to her, gently, of course. By doing this, you are not just lumping her with the problem of your allergies, but also offering a solution at the same time. I.e, "Sis, I have this problem, would you be open to trying some non chemical cleaners, such as x and x and x?". She may well prefer the non-chemical items. You could also offer to do some of the cleaning/washing yourself, using non-chemical cleaners. That way, she can see that they do work. I do have an inkling of what you experience - though not allergic to mould, I detest the smell of chemicals, perfumes, room sprays, cleaners...yuk! They bother me. White vinegar, lemon juice and bicarb. soda (not the same as baking soda) and borax powder do some amazing cleaning - I use them myself. You can also buy commercially prepared natural, or low allergy cleaners. Health food stores have them, but really, you can make your own very cheaply.

Animals are such a great comfort, aren't they? And dogs in particular seem to know when their human is going through a tough time. I think it important for their psychological welfare, and yours, that if at all possible, they be with you. 

And yes, it does hurt, and will do for a while. Stay strong. This shouldn't be a move to 'win her back'. If she plays abandoned, it's not because she loves you, but because the game's changed and she's insecure without her 'base' (that is, you). If you return to her, it's really unlikely she'll change. I say this because her prior behaviour indicates that she _didn't care_ and didn't regret what she was doing either to you, nor her former H's. If she wheedles her way back, it's only because she's now left insecure. I think she is incapable of real love, which is sad. She said herself that she had 'issues' and 'anger' that she needed to see a therapist about, if I read one of your previous posts correctly. Do you really want to stay with someone who is perpetually angry at the world?
Think others here would also applaud your move,
cheers
Metta



tug said:


> I moved out Friday evening when she wasnt home. I was in a rush so I left most of my stuff behind. What hurts the most is I had to leave my two shih tzus behind. Daisy and Bo were my life they helped me when I was sitting there all alone and she wasnt home. Daisy is a year older then Bo so he naturally depends on her, wherever Daisy goes Bo follows. I would lay on the sofa on my side and Daisy would lay up against my chest, Bo would lay behind my legs right were my knees bent. We would sleep like that all night and not move. Im living with my sister, she uses allot of chemicals so Im affected by it. Im thinking that its the fabric softner she uses that creates the problem so if I stay out of the bedrooms where the closets are I should be ok. I just had a thought, Im going to ask my sister if I can bring bo and daisy with me. There my life and right now I need all the support I can get.
> 
> I was laying downstairs and thinking of all the things I'd seen her doing behind my back and all the signs that she didnt love me were there but I ignored them. She said she loved me but showed me that she preferred to spend time with her ex. Knowing that it still hurts that a life that meant so much to me no longer exists


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I dont think she'll be chasing me she knows that I cant be with someone whose lied so much. She told me that this is the last relationship shes going to be in and I told her she was kidding herself. She's always needed the attention of other men, even when she was married her need to be with another man was so strong she cheated on her husbands. When she was with me that drive she has is so strong she lied to me for 3 years and it ended our relationship. Now that I've moved I obviously stopped looking for the lies she told me but what I did find was some text messages she sent me, they were pictures of a female co-worker that my g/f took and she was making fun of her boobs and her stomach. She sent me a recording of this woman saying the word "stop" 4 times within a matter of minutes and how much it annoyed her. One of the pictures shows the woman close up from the neck down. She comments on how this lady things the men love her for her boobs but doesnt say anything about her huge stomach, my ex g/f was actually making fun about how this lady looked. Her co-worker didnt deserve this, I met her a few times and shes a little different but she's a very nice lady. My G/F just doesnt like her and ridicules her every chance she get.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Not sure what your g/fs comments about co-worker have any meaning other than to suggest or convince you that she is immature. If, at middle age, she is picking on other women's bodies, then she's very insecure. That's the sort of thing 14 year olds do...and even then it's nasty, nasty, nasty. 

I'm wondering if you just need more evidence that she's unstable. At this point perhaps you can count your blessings and what is _good_ about this situation rather than focusing all the time on what's bad and how horrible she treated you? This is not to take away from the fact that youv'e been through a hard time and been betrayed, but that from where I'm sitting, I can see a lot of things that are in your favour. For example, the fact that she's been unable to be faithful to _any_ man shows you are not the only one, which means it wasn't personal. That's a plus - you get to keep more self-esteem that way. Plenty of people on these boards don't get that-they're the only person that their spouse has cheated on, which causes a lot of self-doubt and lowered self-esteem. Secondly, you found a place to be, at least temporarily. That too is something to be grateful for. What else can you think of is good about this, or could be good about it if you allowed yourself to think that way? Sure, you're feeling burned and betrayed, but do try to think a little of what is working for you right now, what you can be grateful for. It will pick your mood up and give you a bit more energy. Good luck
miss metta


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I keep asking myself why? She broke up with me more times than I can remember but she always let me back in. All she had to do is stick to her word and tell me I had to move on with my life and stick to it. 

People with my illness have an extremely difficult time finding a safe place to live and her house was perfect for me. Everything that I had left after my exposure was in that house and she knew it. Im starting to become symptomatic at my sisters house, as time goes by my immune system will weaken and my health will continue to get worst. It'll get to the point that I'll have to leave and will have no place to go. 

I remember sleeping in a hotel room and it was getting me so sick in the middle of blizzard I had leave the the hotel room and sleep in my truck. I was so tired of running from mold or chemicals that I remember praying to God to put an end to my pain and let me freeze to death. When I woke up the following morning I was actually upset because my prayers werent answered. These are the obstacles I am facing


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Can't you wear some sort of mask or filter?


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I;ve tried all of that. I cant tell you how much money I've spent in air filters. Just in the past 3 years my illness has cost me well over $200,000 and Im on disability. I have to inject my self daily with compounded glutathione which is the mother of all anti oxidants 

Sick building syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

okay, so what's your next step? What's the next thing you need to do? It sounds like you need to look after your health first, and worry about left-over feelings for her, later. That is your priority.
You say where you are is making you sick. I think your sister would want to know about that. In her shoes, I would want to know - I would feel awful if my brother came to stay and something about the way I lived was making him sick, and it was something I could change and he said nothing about it...I would feel awful and bad..and also angry and resentful at him for not speaking up. I think that's your most immediate step that will have the most immediate impact on your health. Get that under control, then you have a bit of time to look around for something that is suitable for you. 
Metta


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

Miss the changes my sister would need to make would be drastic. One of the reasons why I stayed with my ex g/f for so long was she was willing to make those changes. Her daughters house and mold and the mold spores would get on her clothes and in her hair, because I am so sensitive to mold when she came home I would get sick. When she would come home from her daughters she would wash her clothes and take a shower thats what made me stay there and deal with the crap that I did. But after awhile the cons outweighed the pros and it was obvious what I had to do


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

tug said:


> I dont think she'll be chasing me she knows that I cant be with someone whose lied so much. She told me that this is the last relationship shes going to be in and I told her she was kidding herself. She's always needed the attention of other men, even when she was married her need to be with another man was so strong she cheated on her husbands. When she was with me that drive she has is so strong she lied to me for 3 years and it ended our relationship. Now that I've moved I obviously stopped looking for the lies she told me but what I did find was some text messages she sent me, they were pictures of a female co-worker that my g/f took and she was making fun of her boobs and her stomach. She sent me a recording of this woman saying the word "stop" 4 times within a matter of minutes and how much it annoyed her. One of the pictures shows the woman close up from the neck down. She comments on how this lady things the men love her for her boobs but doesnt say anything about her huge stomach, my ex g/f was actually making fun about how this lady looked. Her co-worker didnt deserve this, I met her a few times and shes a little different but she's a very nice lady. My G/F just doesnt like her and ridicules her every chance she get.




She sounds like a complete a$$. If she did this to her coworker, she probably has done the same to you. You are better off without her.


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## tug (Sep 1, 2013)

I was a fool for believing half the crap she told me like how she didnt know how the socks got into our bedroom. I just thought that a woman who believes so strongly in the Lord would never lie as much as she did. Im still in awe of the number of lies she told me, she lied so much that I dont think theres one day in that relationship that she didnt lie. Now that Im out of that house I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I dont have to worry about whose she's talking to or texting. I dont have to worry about if she's actually where she says is. Her ex husband the drunk that he was, was so right when he said "dump her azz and let some other sorry SOB deal with her crap". He's probably with her right now lol


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