# Is it possible to re-connect emotionally??



## Bequia2010

If so How long did it take. 

I have not felt emotionally connect to H for about 3 yrs. We've been married 26 yrs. We've discussed this issue many times. He has not asked me to do anything specific, but I do things I think he would like, and I have been specific about asking for what I want. My H does not remember, know how, or is passive agressive and chooses not to make the effort. We've quite having sex because we are not emotionally connected. He is a very smart man, making a very big mistake. From my point of view, his deliberate choice is NOT to be emotionally connected. 

Have others been able to make intimate recoonection? I would like to know if there is any hope for us.


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## BigBadWolf

Bequia2010 said:


> If so How long did it take.
> 
> I have not felt emotionally connect to H for about 3 yrs. We've been married 26 yrs. We've discussed this issue many times. He has not asked me to do anything specific, but I do things I think he would like, and I have been specific about asking for what I want. My H does not remember, know how, or is passive agressive and chooses not to make the effort. We've quite having sex because we are not emotionally connected. He is a very smart man, making a very big mistake. From my point of view, his deliberate choice is NOT to be emotionally connected.
> 
> Have others been able to make intimate recoonection? I would like to know if there is any hope for us.


Thank you for posting this question, it is this exact thing I feel like sometimes a broken record so it is good to see from someone else the same thing.

Emotional connection and sexual attraction are intertwined, and when the man and woman neglects either one, the other suffers.

Your man is not making the effort, because he is not recognizing how serious the situation is. The problem is, when things have deteriated to the point that he recognizes it is often too late, for there are affairs and divorce already imminent.

Your man is feeling already the resentment to you for no sex, so he has attempted to fill this with other things, in turn making you feel undesired and resenting him.

This forum is very full of this scenerio sadly.

I know from "your point of view" he is making a deliberate choice not to emotionally connect, and this is making you feel you are not worthwhile to him as a woman.

But understand in his mind he is not doing it deliberately, he is doing it instinctively to protect himself from the emotional hurt of being, in his mind, rejected already as a man from the lack of sex.

I know this is hard to always see, but the husband or wife are not magically knowing the answer and deliberately hurting the other, they are confused and hurting themself and do not know the solution.

To recognize this, is to cut off from the root this source of resentment, so that the way forward will become clear.

What you must do, and this is hard to say exactly, but find the way to show him how serious this is, to say the lack of sex and lack of emotional connection are the one and same problem, and you are seeing him and your marriage as worthwhile to make the effort to fix.

Whether this is a discussion, or should involve an outside counselor only you can determine, but again, if you can recognize your husband is just as confused, and then put aside the resentment to communicate CLEARLY what is happening, then your man will be able to understand himself what he needs to do to make things right also.

I wish you well.


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## larniegrl

I guess I am still doing the wrong things. I still do not feel emotionally connected to my husband. We have sex, as much as he wants and I also initiate as well. I do feel as though I meet his emotional connection needs. What about mine though? I've specifically told what I needed, and it is almost as if it goes over his head. 

He has mentioned that he is still angry that I moved out for 3 weeks over the fall, but also acknowledges that he was to blame. I've told him recently though that I do not feel loved or even liked by him as a person, and if I don't see some kind of action soon that he doesn't leave me any choice.

This is strong language for me...I have always just let things be and gone with the flow. This is probably why I am even in this situation. I have noticed though...with the lack of support/affection/emotional connection...that my heart is pulling more and more away from him. Doesn't he see this? Does he not care? Doesn't he understand that I will not wait for forever for him to get a clue?

We were going to a counselor, and he's decided recently that he doesn't like it anymore. She (the therapist) has told me (privately) that she thinks its time for me to leave...that he is completely shut off from me emotionally. I HATE giving up. I do still love this man, but the endless feelings of inadequacy are too much for me to stand. He is just not acting...I hear the words "I love you", "I don't want you to leave", but I do not see anything in action.

Is it really that hard to just love another person completely and to want to prove it?

The beginning of my story:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/8387-moved-out-now-what.html


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## Alexandra

Has the idea of different love languages come up here at all? If so, sorry to repeat.

It's been my experience that we often look for connection in the way that makes sense to us, while our partner may be attempting that connection in another way entirely. It's like getting your wires crossed, no power gets through. 

You mention that you have requested specific things to fulfill your needs. Have you ever considered figuring out how he may be communicating emotionally other than those ways? If you can find something he's attempting or doing, you can at least be encouraged that he's trying, even if it's all greek to you.

BTW, it's TOTALLY possible to reconnect emotionally. Don't give up. Try different, unexplored options and think outside of the box. You can do it!


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## themrs

I don't feel emotionally connected to my husband either and we do have sex all the time (3-4x a week). I initiate about 1/3 of the time and I never deny him when he comes on to me. 

We had this very problem last night. Yesterday morning I initiated sex with him and he was pleased. He called me up while I was at work and said he was excited to see me when I got home but his tone and attitude was that he wanted more sex which turned me off. I would have liked him to just want to be with me in a non-sexual way as we had just had sex that very morning.

At any rate, after the kids were in bed we were watching a movie and talking about old times (mostly I was talking) and I wanted him to participate more in the conversation so I started asking him specific questions about our relationship. That's when things took a turn for the worse and I know he must have felt pressured to share his feelings and frustrated when he couldn't articulate them and we got into a big fight.

I tried to release the tension of the situation by hugging him, but he kept pushing me away. When he finally came to bed, I tried again kissing him and hugging him. He let me, but he didn't kiss me back. Then he had the nerve to say he was glad I was acting more "feminine" as if hanging on a man when he isn't reciprocating is part of my girlish charms. It pissed me off and I stopped (because he wasn't kissing me back) and he got mad because of that and started basically telling me how I don't know how to treat him.

To make a long story long, he ended up in the living room watching tv while I stayed in the bedroom reading a book and crying that I feel like my husband doesn't want too or know how to make me feel loved in a way that isn't sexual.

I'm not trying to jack your post Bequia2010. I just wanted you to know you are not alone and I know how you feel. I think BBW is correct that it is a cycle, but I would submit that the emotional connection diminishes before the sex does. I still continue to have sex with my husband, but his failure to connect with me on an intimate level nonsexually makes me want to stop. I know that's not the right thing to do, but I need more than sex to feel loved and apparently he doesn't.


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## themrs

Alexandra said:


> Has the idea of different love languages come up here at all? If so, sorry to repeat.
> 
> It's been my experience that we often look for connection in the way that makes sense to us, while our partner may be attempting that connection in another way entirely. It's like getting your wires crossed, no power gets through.
> 
> You mention that you have requested specific things to fulfill your needs. Have you ever considered figuring out how he may be communicating emotionally other than those ways? If you can find something he's attempting or doing, you can at least be encouraged that he's trying, even if it's all greek to you.
> 
> BTW, it's TOTALLY possible to reconnect emotionally. Don't give up. Try different, unexplored options and think outside of the box. You can do it!


I tried to look at the ways he was trying to connect with me and receive his form of love, but his way of connecting is not making me feel linked to him or united with him in any way. His way of loving is all about the things he does FOR me, but not WITH me. And a lot of time he thinks he is doing something WITH me simply because we are in the same room together. He is trying to bond with me over shared activites, which is great but what I want is to connect. Bonding and connecting are not the same imo. I want communication on a more intimate level than with a male friend and not just because we have sex.


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## Alexandra

OK. So you have identified that he's trying to connect with you. Great! At least he's trying, right? Not to get to the actual connection part.

It's a big part of the male psyche to feel that they have to provide or do things FOR us, as you say. As women, however, we totally want to be WITH people. Sounds like an impossible situation right? Difficult, yeah. Impossible, nope.

Look at what exactly you're trying to fulfill with the desire to be WITH him. Is it laughter? Insight into his emotions? Confidence that he'll listen to your feelings? Now, is there any way to tap into those things with his form of communication (the doing things FOR you stuff)?

Sometimes we can gain insight into their emotions by observing what they DO. Sometimes we can get them to listen to us when we're washing the car together. It's all a matter of looking for the food in the pantry, instead of under the bed, know what I mean?

I won't get into how men totally think that sex is THE way to connect. It's just too hard for us women who are starving for our type of connection to get.


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## themrs

Alexandra said:


> OK. So you have identified that he's trying to connect with you. Great! At least he's trying, right? Not to get to the actual connection part.
> 
> It's a big part of the male psyche to feel that they have to provide or do things FOR us, as you say. As women, however, we totally want to be WITH people. Sounds like an impossible situation right? Difficult, yeah. Impossible, nope.
> 
> Look at what exactly you're trying to fulfill with the desire to be WITH him. Is it laughter? Insight into his emotions? Confidence that he'll listen to your feelings? Now, is there any way to tap into those things with his form of communication (the doing things FOR you stuff)?
> 
> Sometimes we can gain insight into their emotions by observing what they DO. Sometimes we can get them to listen to us when we're washing the car together. It's all a matter of looking for the food in the pantry, instead of under the bed, know what I mean?
> 
> I won't get into how men totally think that sex is THE way to connect. It's just too hard for us women who are starving for our type of connection to get.


I understand what you are saying and I will take your advice. The next time we play a game together, I will initiate a conversation with him then.


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## larniegrl

I understand for the most part (not saying I know everything) about how my husband connects emotionally...the problem is that he hasn't taken the time to learn how I connect. I've learned the hard way that I will give and give and give until I am completely depleted emotionally...just to give him what he needs. 

I think that boundaries are pretty important here. You need to know what you like/don't like and want as an individual in the relationship and then stand your ground. Not in a needy/naggy/demanding sort of way...but in essence of "this is part of who I am, and it is important to me."

This is a new perspective for me, and I just started doing it...so I'm not sure it will actually work in real life. = ) The other thing needed is romance...not the "high maintenance" kind, but the often reminder from my hubby that I am beautiful, desireable and that he is willing to go above and beyond to make me feel so.

As you can tell...I am far from figuring it out.


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## themrs

larniegrl said:


> I understand for the most part (not saying I know everything) about how my husband connects emotionally...the problem is that he hasn't taken the time to learn how I connect. I've learned the hard way that I will give and give and give until I am completely depleted emotionally...just to give him what he needs.
> 
> I think that boundaries are pretty important here. You need to know what you like/don't like and want as an individual in the relationship and then stand your ground. Not in a needy/naggy/demanding sort of way...but in essence of "this is part of who I am, and it is important to me."
> 
> This is a new perspective for me, and I just started doing it...so I'm not sure it will actually work in real life. = ) The other thing needed is romance...not the "high maintenance" kind, but the often reminder from my hubby that I am beautiful, desireable and that he is willing to go above and beyond to make me feel so.
> 
> As you can tell...I am far from figuring it out.


You're not alone.


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## John1970

Is it possible to re-connect? Gee, how I want to know!


My wife's in a passionate affair now, but says she doesn't want me to leave. I go mad a lot, but then she makes an affectionate gesture... and I go even madder as I think she's not serious about it.

Anyway I've decided to start a blog. 

Check it out there's only two posts, but I'll try to add more AS IT HAPPENS plus some thoughts.

meshehim


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## themrs

Well Alexandria, I did talk to my husband. He said he didn't realize it was a problem. He thought we were having deep meaningful conversations when we talked about things like what the kids learned at school or what was for dinner. It was very frustrating to hear.

Anyway, I told him that it didn't have to be deep. I asked if he could just make a habit of asking me how my day was and that would help a lot. 

Since then, he has asked me how my day was every single day. When I go in the bedroom for a while, he comes in like 15 minutes later to see how I'm doing and if I need anything. 

We'll see how long this lasts, but it's nice while it's lasting!


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## LadyWolf15

I too have been having a similar issue lately. My husband and I have been married for just over 3 years though, much shorter time than what I've seen you guys post on this topic. My husband and I work opposite shifts (I work nights and he goes to school during the day) but with the hours we are gone, I actually get to spend more awake time with him working nights than if I worked days. Only down side is I don't get to sleep with him at night. We only seem to have sex on the weekends anymore as we only really get about 3 to 4 hours together after I get up and before I go to work. Often times I'm just too tired or stressed from work to initiate or partake in sex. However, we end up making up for it on the weekend like rabbits. 
I've noticed many patterns emerging that are distressing to me as I'm not sure how to correct the problem. One thing I noticed is something minor really but while I usually cook dinner for us when I get up, there have been times I don't wanna cook and it used to be if I said something, he'd offer to cook, even if it was something he could just throw in the microwave. Well the other day, I couldn't think of what to do with the chicken I had pulled to thaw before I went to bed and while grumbling about what I could make, he asked what was wrong. I told him I wasn't sure what to make and because I was feeling kinda lazy I didn't really feel like cooking. However, I told him there were times before I didn't want to cook but had always done it anyway. So he looks at me and says "so what's the problem then?" It really pissed me off. Mostly because I bust my butt all night working my 8 hours then because I am a supervisor at work, I stay late. So my 8 hr day turns into more like a 10 hr day, then I come home and have homework to do so I only average 4 to 5 hrs of sleep a day and he only goes to school for 7 hours and averages about 8 hrs of sleep a night. It wouldn’t kill him to cook dinner some night for me. I didn’t say this of course. He is a very defensive individual and saying this would most defiantly lead to a fight.
Something else I've noticed he does a lot is when I try to cuddle with him on the couch before I leave for work, he doesn't cuddle back. No arm over the shoulder, nothing. It's also gotten to where I'm the only one every saying "I love you". He'll never say it first even though he'll tell me he loves me back. It feels more like an automatic response more than him really meaning it. 
We've also been getting into a lot of fights lately about kids and money usage. In particular, we both ride motorcycles. He recently sent his bike in for a major front end repair from when a friend of his who was learning how to ride ran it into the back of a van. It was justified so I didn't say anything, but when I told him I wanted to get a slightly bigger cage for our pet sugar gliders, even though we previously talked about it and he was okay with the idea, he tried talking me out of it, saying we couldn't afford it and there was no point because the one we had was just fine. He does this a lot when it comes to something I want to buy but he'll get mad if I try to justify why he wants to buy something. Keep in mind; I am the only one who works. 
Also we've been arguing about kids as we have none, I really want to start a family and, career wise for me, it is the right time. However my husband was raised in a traditional family where his mother never worked so he feels that since I can't just up and quit my job (I work for the Navy) that he'll be a stay at home dad. Which I'd be okay with but he wants to wait till he's done with school because he refuses to let our kids be taken care of by a baby sitter or day care. Problem is he has another year and half of school left at which time I will be in the process of transferring duty stations and going back to a boat. Which when considering my career is a very bad move for me. Every time the topic is brought up, we end up fighting.
Sex anymore feels automatic. I don't feel connected anymore like I should. Half the time I feel like he wouldn't even care or notice if I wasn't there except around dinner time or when he wants to have sex. The last week I've been leaving for work depressed and strung out because I'm not sure what to do about this. I try being nice, I try being affectionate, but it seems that unless he wants sex, he never reciprocates. I'm so totally lost and sad about where we have gone in such a short period of time and am unsure if I should even be considering having kids with a man I cannot connect with.


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## Stonewall

You are treating the symptoms. You need to delve into the root of the disconnect. What is causing the disease. Once youve determined that then you will be able to proceed. Love languages is a good start as well as his needs her needs.


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## Thound

Pardon the interruption, I have been trying to reconnect with wife for the past 10 years. I have been trying the 5 LL. What appears to be working now is I have backed off and stop trying to make her happy. I've been working out and I'm starting to look pretty good for an old fart. I told I didn't want sex for services rendered. I have been doing what a husband should do, because it is my responsibility. I have quit being jealous (at least not openly). I have quit being manipulative and controlling. There are times after doing my manly things that I hope she will throw herself at me, but she hasn't . I'm going to keep doing this, because I promised for better or worse till death do us part, but if nothing changes I hope I wake up dead fairly soon. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.


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## EleGirl

Yes it is possible to re-connect emotionally.

To start moving in that direction get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" read it and do what it suggests.

I read about a study recently that followed couples who reported themselves to be unhappy. Five years later, 85% of them reported that they were again happy. 

Marriage is a journey. There are ups and downs. You have a chance to completely rebuild your relationship.


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## MrK

I understand that this is an old thread, but it still confirms what I feared. Not ONE response of "yes, we disconnected emotionally, worked at it and are good again".

Thanks for that 85% figure Ele, but I'd still like to hear directly from someone who reconnected and not from the authors of research where responses can be manipulated into producing what the researcher WANTS to prove.

Not ONE first hand account.

Guys, when they leave, they're gone. Usually for good. Plan your healing around THAT! Not working out or losing weight. Screw the flowers and foot massages. By the time they fill you in on the fact that they are unhappy, it is usually WAY too late.


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