# Difference in Arousal



## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

Sometimes I feel undesired by my H because of the amount of effort it takes to get him physically aroused. Last night, for example, we were kissing passionately and he was pleasuring me. I enjoy mutual pleasure but when I reached down to pleasure him I noticed he wasn't physically aroused. It took quite a bit of fondling to get him there. 

Other times I feel like just a few kisses and he's ready to go! 

Is this a normal thing for men? I've never asked him about it because I don't want to make him feel inadequate or broken, but it does get me thinking he might not be into me sexually sometimes. I feel silly even asking this but it's affecting my confidence right now!


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

How old is he?
How healthy/in shape is he?
Is he on any meds?


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

KJ_Simmons said:


> How old is he?
> How healthy/in shape is he?
> Is he on any meds?


Mid 30s. Not very in shape, but working on it. No meds.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

A guy here. It's common this can happen. Is your husband stressed about life, work, etc? Stress alone can do this. Is he depressed? When was the last time he had a complete physical exam from his doctor? Get his testosterone level checked as part of the exam. 

Trust me, it's not you! If anything, HIS confidence is down and you bringing it up too soon will feed into the cycle and could make the problem worse short term. Give it some time, if not medically caused. If this situation gets worse, you may have to bring it up. (no pun intended). 

Again, it's NOT you. 

He needs to work out, gym or lift weights. That is great physically for him and great confidence booster and stress reliever.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Nanners said:


> Sometimes I feel undesired by my H because of the amount of effort it takes to get him physically aroused. Last night, for example, we were kissing passionately and he was pleasuring me. I enjoy mutual pleasure but when I reached down to pleasure him I noticed he wasn't physically aroused. It took quite a bit of fondling to get him there.
> 
> Other times I feel like just a few kisses and he's ready to go!
> 
> Is this a normal thing for men?


*SEXUAL NONCONCORDANCE *

It is possible for females to get very aroused but not produce any vaginal lubrication. It is also possible for females to produce a lot of vaginal lubrication and not be aroused. This is completely normal and considered likely to happen with healthy individuals. 

The same is true for men regarding arousal and erections. Men can even reach climax while almost completely flaccid. Also men can get very erect when they are not even really aroused.

The real problem occurs when you begin to question it as a sign your partner is indeed not aroused in a way that begins to impact both of your levels of self confidence. 

If your husband feels emotionally and physically aroused, you should assume he is and enjoy it, regardless of the strength of his erection. You would probably be wise and "tease" him that he can NOT have any attention because you want all the pleasure for yourself and make him do whatever you want, even if it is for him to tell just you how beautiful you are while he rubs your back or you hand him a vibrator. Eventually he will likely force himself onto you once he reaches a "solid" state of sexual concordance and all systems are ready to go!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> A guy here. It's common this can happen. Is your husband stressed about life, work, etc? Stress alone can do this. Is he depressed? When was the last time he had a complete physical exam from his doctor? Get his testosterone level checked as part of the exam.
> 
> Trust me, it's not you! If anything, HIS confidence is down and you bringing it up too soon will feed into the cycle and could make the problem worse short term. Give it some time, if not medically caused. If this situation gets worse, you may have to bring it up. (no pun intended).
> 
> ...


He never really seems stressed about anything. He's very mellow, which is almost the exact opposite of me. Maybe he's just better at hiding it. 

He's actually never had any type of doctor visit since we've been together. We've been talking about it lately (not at all related to this) so I'll keep encouraging him to go. I'm also trying to encourage him to join a gym with me so we can both be healthier. 

I definitely do not want to bring it up to him and make it into a bigger problem.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Could just be age, fatigue, biology and have nothing to do with you.

I still wake up with an erection in the morning. Hard as would and could drive a nail in if needed. But I have noticed with age that at night I can get fatigued and although interested in sex it can take me awhile to get aroused even though I had been horney all day.

One thing he could try is to have a cup of coffee a couple hours before...that always does the trick for me. I am making an assumption this is only happening at night and not all times during the day, especially morning, correct?


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Nanners ~

Am I confused or did you just start a New Thread about photo albums?

Are your concerns old pictures of your boyfriend, your husband's erectile problems or both?


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Could just be age, fatigue, biology and have nothing to do with you.
> 
> I still wake up with an erection in the morning. Hard as would and could drive a nail in if needed. But I have noticed with age that at night I can get fatigued and although interested in sex it can take me awhile to get aroused even though I had been horney all day.
> 
> One thing he could try is to have a cup of coffee a couple hours before...that always does the trick for me. I am making an assumption this is only happening at night and not all times during the day, especially morning, correct?


He is always good-to-go in the mornings. We have rare opportunities to get frisky during the day, so I can't remember if it's ever been an issue then. 

He hates coffee so I'm not sure I could convince him to do that!

And I should clarify that it's not an every night thing. Some nights it just takes a little make-out session to get things started, other nights it's more of a struggle. I guess I just remember the struggle nights more vividly because it concerns me.


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

VeryHurt said:


> Nanners ~
> 
> Am I confused or did you just start a New Thread about photo albums?
> 
> Are your concerns old pictures of your boyfriend, your husband's erectile problems or both?


Yes, I suppose I do have more than one concern. My bad. 

The photo albums thing is more of a me problem though, not really my H.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Depending on what I'm doing if I am pleasuring her sometimes I am concentrating on the task at hand. Blood diverted to the big head has to come from somewhere . Did you want him to give you only half his attention?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Again, it's NOT you.


The times I have experienced a situations where it WAS the woman, were moments related to personal hygiene. 

I was once making out with my girlfriend in college, and it was painfully evident that she had just eaten an egg roll from the cafeteria. I could not bring myself to mention it to her, and it also killed the moment. 

The other thing that is a huge turn off for me is dripping wet hair. My wife will often shower before bed, and by coincidence that will be our moment to get close since the kids are in bed. I'll be warm and dry under the covers, and if she goes down on me while her hair is still cold/wet/dripping, it is challenging to stay focused. Also just as bad is when we swap positions and I find myself rolling into a big cold wet spot on the pillow where she was just moments ago.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Nanners said:


> He's actually never had any type of doctor visit since we've been together. We've been talking about it lately (not at all related to this) so I'll keep encouraging him to go. I'm also trying to encourage him to join a gym with me so we can both be healthier.


Well, stop talking about it and make sure he gets a physical exam. I would expect though that H would not mention to the doctor anything about some issues ED. That may be important for the doctor to know as it would be symptom of some other health issue. 

You said "a gym", not "the gym." Are you already a gym member? If not, you join if nothing else for your own health. He may or may not join you later.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
physical and mental arousal don't always happen at the same time. I'd say don't worry about it. If he enjoys intimacy with you, that is what matters.


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Well, stop talking about it and make sure he gets a physical exam. I would expect though that H would not mention to the doctor anything about some issues ED. That may be important for the doctor to know as it would be symptom of some other health issue.
> 
> You said "a gym", not "the gym." Are you already a gym member? If not, you join if nothing else for your own health. He may or may not join you later.


I do agree that my H would not bring it up to a doctor as he probably does not see it as an issue. Any suggestions on that as I don't want to discuss the situation with my H (not yet anyway)?

I'm not a gym member currently. I really do need to get off of my butt and join again.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

blueinbr gives good advice here. Stress, physical inactivity and additional pounds make getting an erection much slower. Once you get the ball rolling, it's no problem. It just takes more to get there. 

Suggestions for him:
- Reduce stress (does he have an easy life? if not, he stresses, but like many men, we hide it.)
- Lose weight (no crash diets, just cut out sugar, no sugary drinks for sure, and sad to say, reduce alcohol use(see next point))
- Watch out for whiskey d!ck, it's a real thing. Don't get drunk before sex, unless you are horny as heck.
- get more active, specifically cardio. A good erection requires good blood flow/pressure and oxygen levels. If cardio health is poor, the erection will be too. 

Suggestions for you:
- Don't be insecure about his erection. State your concern in a non-selfish way. ("I notice you are taking longer to get an erection, I hear that can be a sign of an underlying medical concern") Put the focus on his healthy and living a long life together, not on your insecurity over getting his penis hard. 
- Realize on a stressful day or after a big sugary meal, it's going to take longer. Don't be surprised or impatient. Maybe use it as opportunity to give him oral while he is soft . You can take it much deeper when it's flaccid! Turn that negative into a positive. 
- Track the times he seems to have more difficulty. See if you can coralate that to anything specific (time of day, day of week, type/size of meal, alcohol consumption), then avoid those things, or times. 

I've dropped 20lbs in the past few months, and taken some steps in my life to reduce my stress levels. I've been doing lots of cardio and my resting heart rate is down from 80 to 68. I'm 45 and my sex life is dramatically improving. So, I can say, the above suggestions are more than theoretical. 

My ExW used the pester the crap out of me when I couldn't get hard quick enough for her. How it made her feel insecure. That was very deflating, the feel like I wasn't man enough for her. There were lots of other problems in our relationship, this was minor in comparison. But it's a point worth making for you. Even though he probably would never show it, his ego is very fragile in your hands. You can build him up or tear him down. 

I'm not advocating you ignore it, because it's a concern. It's definitely a sign something is changing. That something could have dire health consequences if left unchecked. My new GF jokes that the erection is like the canary in the coal mine for a man's body. It's the first thing to signal a problem (be it emotional or physical). I have to give her credit for putting a positive spin on an embarrassing problem. (and she is loving the benefits of said improvement!)


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## Nanners (Jan 10, 2016)

Acoa said:


> blueinbr gives good advice here. Stress, physical inactivity and additional pounds make getting an erection much slower. Once you get the ball rolling, it's no problem. It just takes more to get there.
> 
> Suggestions for him:
> - Reduce stress (does he have an easy life? if not, he stresses, but like many men, we hide it.)
> ...


I will definitely take your advice, especially about monitoring it. I was so focused on what the difficulties might mean in regards to how he feels about me, but it could be more about his health, and that concerns me even more! Thanks.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Nanners said:


> ....I reached down to pleasure him I noticed he wasn't physically aroused. It took quite a bit of fondling to get him there.
> 
> Other times I feel like just a few kisses and he's ready to go!
> 
> ...





Nanners said:


> Mid 30s. Not very in shape, but working on it. No meds.





Nanners said:


> He is always good-to-go in the mornings. We have rare opportunities to get frisky during the day, so I can't remember if it's ever been an issue then.
> 
> And I should clarify that it's not an every night thing. Some nights it just takes a little make-out session to get things started, other nights it's more of a struggle. I guess I just remember the struggle nights more vividly because it concerns me.


A couple of topics.

It is not you. It is not that he doesn't desire you. Keep repeating that until you believe it, as it is true.

Next, sexual performance is a bell-shaped curve. Have you seen the Viagra commercial where the woman says, "About half (52%) of men over 40 have some degree of ED." Well some form doesn't mean complete impotence. So your mid-30-year old chronological age husband who probably if he is out of shape, probably has the body of a 40+ year old man. That sort of answers your question of is it a "normal thing for men." The answer is unfortunately for a typical man, YES.

Are there things he can do? Yes, and others have given you good advice. 

One of the things you state is that it doesn't happen in the morning. Well a man's testosterone level is the highest in the morning. Surprise! So yes after he is rested, when his hormone levels are the highest, you would expect him to be more able to perform.

Now the final comment is that lack sleep or sleep deprivation is to extensive that is to blame for all kinds of things. You really should monitor how much sleep his is getting to see if that factors into things.

In conclusion, as long as you don't make a big deal about it and as long as he doesn't panic to the point of performance anxiety, if he exercises, looses weight and gets more sleep, it will likely become less of an issue.

Good luck


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Nanners said:


> Sometimes I feel undesired by my H because of the amount of effort it takes to get him physically aroused. Last night, for example, we were kissing passionately and he was pleasuring me. I enjoy mutual pleasure but when I reached down to pleasure him I noticed he wasn't physically aroused. It took quite a bit of fondling to get him there.
> 
> Other times I feel like just a few kisses and he's ready to go!
> 
> Is this a normal thing for men? I've never asked him about it because I don't want to make him feel inadequate or broken, but it does get me thinking he might not be into me sexually sometimes. I feel silly even asking this but it's affecting my confidence right now!


 @Nanners. I've been in your exact same shoes, the only difference being that my husband has always been in excellent physical shape. My husband was 36ish when he started experienced what we later came to learn was performance anxiety. 

Started exactly as you describe above. We'd be messing around, hot and heavy, but he wouldn't get an erection. This went on for a few months with the 'failures' becoming more and more common. At it's worse, he was experiencing PA every 2 or 3 out of 4 times we'd try to have sex. 

I'm not going to lie, it _destroyed _my self-confidence. It didn't help that he was in denial about the whole thing. He called it 'a spell'. He didn't feel it was necessary for him to seek medical help. His response to my suggestion to see a dr. was always "I got this {lila}". It got to the point where I shied away from any physical contact with him for fear that he'd want to try to have sex and I'd have to deal with the aftereffects. 

He eventually made it to the dr. after one bad night where I broke down in tears. I just couldn't do it anymore. I too felt like he was losing interest in me. Every time he lost his erection was like throwing a cold bucket of water on me. I had zero desire to continue and couldn't pretend that it wasn't bothering me. 

My husband and I both ended up seeking individual counseling. He for his PA; me for my self-esteem. One of the things that my psychologist drove home with me was that I could not fix my husband. I could support him but I should not take ownership or blame for his condition. It was up to him to figure out how best to heal himself and/or treat the symptoms and communicate that to me. It was up to me to help him through the process but not to the detriment of my mental health. 

My husband, for his part, put 100% effort into really understanding his situation. Meditation helped a lot. If you want more information, feel free to pm me.


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