# Unexpected Truth - Signs



## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

I wanted to share my story in hopes it will help someone else.

Married 24 years and was looking forward to our 25th. We had planned for years to go back to our honeymoon site on our 25th, and up until 2 years ago, she spoke about that often. In 2013, I had a blood clot that caused a heart attack. It destroyed my heart. I spent 3 years in and out of the hospital waiting for a heart transplant. My wife was a good woman. A wonderful mother to our kids, financially responsible with our money, dinner every night, and very clean and tidy with our home and life. She wasn't ever very sexual, but I convinced myself I could live with that because everything else was so great.

When I finally came home after the transplant, I felt something was strange. I couldn't identify anything specific, but I had a feeling something wasn't right. All of a sudden, I realized that my wife was hiding her phone, and locking herself in a room to talk on it. One day, walking down the stairs, she was on the phone, and I heard he say, "I have to get off, my husband's here", and she hung up quickly. I said, who were you talking to. She said, "my sister". I went on with life. Late that night I realized she wouldn't have called me her husband if she was talking to her sister. That's the first time I knew she was lying. I didn't say anything to her, but I went on the Verizon website and looked at her activity. I found the number she was talking to, and saw there were hundreds of calls to/from the same number over the last 4 months. I signed on to a website that tracked the owner of the phone number. His name was Eric, and he lived about 20 minutes away. I pulled her aside and said "who is Eric (last name)?". She said, what are you talking about. I said he was the one on the phone when you said you were talking to your sister. She said I was mistaken. I told her she had been talking to him a lot over the last four months. She finally said, he's a guy at her gym who is helping her with some issues she's having. I told her she didn't need to lie to me, just tell me the truth so I will always trust her. She agreed.

She continued to hide her phone, but not as much as before. I felt better and started to relax. Then one morning I heard a beep that someone was texting her. I was in the bathroom and looked to see where the beep was coming from. I found her phone under a stack of towels, and read the incoming text. It said, "how was father's day for you? I look forward to seeing you at the gym tomorrow". It was the same number, Eric. I then realized it wasn't her phone, it was a different one. I confronted her, and she said I was mistaken again. She was just trying to pull pictures off her old phone. I said I saw the text from Eric, but she said that was from a year ago. I went to her drawer where she kept her sexy outfits, and saw that some sexy stuff I bought her years ago was on top of the pile. I then saw about 10 very sexy panties that I had never seen before. I told her what I knew and she again denied it.

HERE'S MY POINT:. Even after all those red flags, I still felt I must be wrong with my assumptions. She'd never lied to me for 24 years, and she was so adamant in her denial, I convinced myself that I might be wrong. 

If you "feel" something is wrong, no matter how honest she's been your whole life, don't let yourself be sucked into false hope. After much research on the topic, I now know that if there's ever a time you realize something's going on behind your back,... it is. It took planting a recorder in her car to find the truth. In one day, I heard everything they did together, and her plans to have him stay at "our" house during my next business trip, so they can have some more alone time. And that she promises to wear the "red ones" until he takes them off to "dive in".

I read so many "something doesn't seem right" messages on this site. I just wanted to share my story..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Thank you for providing some first-hand perspective and insight.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Boy I wish we could sticky your post at the top. Don’t feel bad .... countless people have fallen into that trap. It’s always so obvious to everyone except the poor person that is getting crushed.

Thanks for sharing


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@BHB4408 so what happened, did you divorce her? thank you for sharing this as it may help someone who has that gut feeling and doesn't want to trust it.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

Yeah these are some good things to look out for.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The gut is literally a human being's 6th sense and should be trusted as much as eyes and ears.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

curious @BHB4408, what did she say once you played her the tape and she heard own voice cheating on you ?


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

When I told her I knew the truth and played her the tape, I said I wanted a divorce. She ran to a attorney the next day and filed for legal separation. That stalled me for 6 months so I couldn't file. The day the 6 months was up, I filed for divorce and it was granted very quickly by the court. My state is community property state, and she never had to work outside the home, so there was a chance I would have alimony for the rest of my life due to the 25 year marriage. My $12,000 attorney got it down to 7 years, at a 50% level. I saved all my life to have a good retirement, and was all set to retire in 6 years. But now, it won't be that soon. She is coming out of her menopausal state (according to her sister), and regrets what she's done to me and our 3 kids, but I can never go back. Never can trust her or maybe anyone again. I would have bet my life that she would never do such a thing, and it was a shock to me when I actually heard the recorded conversation. I will wish her the best, and have gone on with my life. Funny thing is....After 8 months of wondering what was happening, and being lied to, when the divorce was granted it was a huge weight off my shoulders and I never shed a tear. There are many more signs I should have paid attention to. If anyone on here has seen signs and are wondering about them, talk to me, to see if they are the same things I missed.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally I think your thinking was and is wrong on this a little (or maybe a lot). For instance, why are you so sure she never cheated before or that she never lied? If that is the case why was there no guilt about it when she got caught? After 25 years? I mean a burner phone is going pretty far. Given all that I suspect the truth is she probably lied to you for years which is why she was so comfortable with it. Seems to me she just doubled down on her typical behavior. She sounds like a real asshole. People don't change on a dime. Doesn't happen. You just didn't see it. Kind of like how you used to think she wasn't sexual. I don't think that true of anyone. People are not sexual with some people, they may be very sexual with others. Especially in the beginning.

I suspect you never really saw your wife for who she was. I bet if you think back there will be other stuff you overlooked. Maybe not cheating but somethings. You probably will be able to tell from how her life goes moving forward. I suspect the problems for her are just beginning. You are probably going to hear some stories from your kids. If she is who I think she is then people like your wife need people like you to give their life stability. Once that stability is gone they are really lost.


> My wife was a good woman. A wonderful mother to our kids, financially responsible with our money, dinner every night, and very clean and tidy with our home and life. She wasn't ever very sexual, but I convinced myself I could live with that because everything else was so great.


What you describe here is a good partner and mother, not a good wife. This is the first tell that your not really seeing this for what it is, lots of people make that mistake. Seems like you kinda settled, and I guess it worked you raised some good kids, had financial stability, not a total loss. Now you have to pay her for 7 years for that. If you look at it that way then giving her that for good kids might have been worth it. You should stop thinking you lost a good wife though. Nope.

I wouldn't believe her sister either, she is just embarrassed by her and is probably trying to save face. Is her sister single? Just saying.

That's another tell by the way. Every woman who lives long enough gets menopause. Doesn't make them cheat. I suspect thinking this is less painful then to admit who she really is though.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Thank you sokillme: Everything you said is so true. I guess I didn't say it in my post, but looking back now there are many things that I overlooked that shine a light on the way things went down. You're also right about her being a good partner and mother, but not a good wife. I'm glad you brought that up. So true.

I also like that you pointed out my comment that she never lied to me or did anything behind my back. When I think about that, I think I never imagined she would do that to me, so I probably glossed over some signs. You are spot on in your thinking.

There's only one thing I'll come back with you on. Her sister has been a good friend of mine for 30 years. That's how I met my wife. She is married with 3 kids, and has been with me, on my side, since this nightmare began. I think it's true that she's masking some things to protect her sister, but she's proven to be very reliable in how she's dealt with me. She and my ex wife are no longer in contact. Her other sisters too went through a horrible menopause, as did her mother. When they brought that up, I researched menopause, and there are hundreds of examples of it being the cause for the same behavior she had. There are books written on menopause being the factor is cheating wives. I agree that it might not have had anything to do with it, but it's something I like to think to make it more explainable.

I appreciate your comments. Really.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BHB4408 said:


> or did anything behind my





BHB4408 said:


> Thank you sokillme: Everything you said is so true. I guess I didn't say it in my post, but looking back now there are many things that I overlooked that shine a light on the way things went down. You're also right about her being a good partner and mother, but not a good wife. I'm glad you brought that up. So true.
> 
> I also like that you pointed out my comment that she never lied to me or did anything behind my back. When I think about that, I think I never imagined she would do that to me, so I probably glossed over some signs. You are spot on in your thinking.
> 
> ...



Yes, I know menopause can throw a woman and marriage for a loop. I went through some of my own craziness. Specialist identified issues with my hormone levels and put me on HRT. However, menopause only exposes an unhappy marriage cause the wife usually changes from a person who tolerates a lot (due to all that oestrogen) to one who will not tolerate anything and has little empathy for her spouse. This has been researched and is covered well in the literature especially by Dr Louann Brizenidine; The Female Brain. 
However, though menopause might expose flaws in the marriage and result in a wife trying to establish the balance of power, her legitimate needs etc., in NO WAY is it an excuse to cheat.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BHB4408 said:


> Thank you sokillme: Everything you said is so true. I guess I didn't say it in my post, but looking back now there are many things that I overlooked that shine a light on the way things went down. You're also right about her being a good partner and mother, but not a good wife. I'm glad you brought that up. So true.
> 
> I also like that you pointed out my comment that she never lied to me or did anything behind my back. When I think about that, I think I never imagined she would do that to me, so I probably glossed over some signs. You are spot on in your thinking.
> 
> ...


I don't know I think the potential has to be there. Man sounds like a nice get out of jail free card. 

It's a shame you didn't go for her sister given how different she is. Maybe she hasn't gone though menopause yet.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One of the hardest things to endure with a *cheating spouse* is to realize that the person you thought you were in love with is not really that person. It is a projection that person displays for you so you will be compliant to their wants and needs.

That sentence sounds very cynical doesn't it?

It is, nonetheless, true.

Blaming her decision to conduct an affair (complete with burner phone) on her menopausal state? Complete tripe, sorry.

Pursuing sex with another man is a deliberate act. Once, twice, years of it. It points to a character issue.

Be glad you wised up and divorced her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

michzz said:


> One of the hardest things to endure with a *cheating spouse* is to realize that the person you thought you were in love with is not really that person. It is a projection that person displays for you so you will be compliant to their wants and needs.
> 
> That sentence sounds very cynical doesn't it?
> 
> ...


Great post and completely true. 

Why do people think and want to make excuses for other people that **** on them?????


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BluesPower said:


> Why do people think and want to make excuses for other people that **** on them?????


Because it's easier to accept.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

michzz said:


> One of the hardest things to endure with a *cheating spouse* is to realize that the person you thought you were in love with is not really that person. It is a projection that person displays for you so you will be compliant to their wants and needs.


This is true but what really blows your mind, not to discount OP's suffering as I had the very same thoughts when it happened to me, but what I came to understand is that that is true of everyone in your life to a certain extent. It's like the human version of the observer effect. That's the thing you are never safe in life, even with people.

That's not to say there are signs to look for, I mean reading here for a log time will teach anyone there is a definite pattern to how this works. Actually about 5 or so. So it stands to reason if the behavior after the fact is so predictable you should be able to extrapolate the warning behavior from very early on. Reading here and other places can make you really wise about this, like any other kind of studying. Part of what I think started me doing so. 

But again you are never really truly safe. You can minimize risk by making good choices or none at all but that is about it. Truth is everything good in life comes with risk, lots of times great risk. Often the greater the risk the bigger the reward. That's how it works, relationships are no different.

The good news is it's also nothing to be afraid of, once you understand this. People just have to change your mindset again. Try not to think of it this way (how can I ever trust again, I can't even trust my own judgment) Part of the lesson is you should never really trust anyone without any reservation. Blanket trust is slavery. Not saying don't try to trust but at least understand the you never act like you KNOW. Everyone has to go through this at least once in their life to understand that. You can't teach it. It's like sex but in a bad way, before you had it the first time, you heard all about it but you didn't really know how it felt. Also you are not alone. It's the rare person who isn't cheated on at least once in their life. And whose to say if they just don't know they were cheated on. Really you can never be truly sure that you weren't cheated on, you have to act on faith anyway. Almost all of your life is faith to a certain extent right? I mean you have faith the continued explosions that the engine of your car produces aren't going to blow you up in the process. That being said this is why it's important to change your mindset.

To me the best way I learned to deal with this is, one, study it so I understand it. This makes me feel a little safer (though I admit that might just be a game I am playing with myself). But also I don't look for all my happiness and even more so my self worth from one person or even just people in general. I gauge my success in relationships by how I behaved. I understand and made peace with the fact that you can do everything right to the best of your ability and still lose. I am OK with that. Beside everything in life ends, if your wife hadn't cheated your marriage still would have ended when one of you died one day. Again that's life.

*@BHB4408* the other thing that gives me an advantage to be able to think that is that I am almost 20 years out. Because of my experience I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are going to be fine. Assuming your life follows the course of almost everyone's life when this happens to them, you are going to have great joys that you never imagined were possible at the time you were going through it, and you are going to have other sorrows that seem almost as bad (maybe not worse, I don't think there is much worse). That is also life. You get to the point that you think, if I can get over that I can handle anything. That is what you should think. Draw strength from that.

The best thing I can say is the way you handled this, the fact that you were uncompromising in your standards, sets you up very well moving forward. Which is part of the reason why I am mostly down on staying together. I think for most people staying together is just staying in a very dead marriage. All it does is prevent people from moving forward to a fulfilling life.
You will actually look back and be proud of how you handled it. It will turn into a victory even though it may feel very much like a defeat right now. Trust me this **** is like braking your arm, almost everyone who goes through it heals and can use their arm again. Just takes time and suffering.

Besides life is not about being safe. Life is about living.


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## BHB4408 (Oct 9, 2017)

Thank you sokillme and others. I like and agree with the statement that menopause is not the cause of her deeds, and that's an excuse to make me feel better. Bingo. When you marry and live with a Christian woman for 25 years, you try to figure out why she starts cussing one day, and eventually cheats. You look for the cause and grasp on anything that explains the distinct change from the woman you married to the woman you hear about on the streets. I think I already said this, but once I found out what was really going on, it explains many unanswered questions I had over the years before I found out. Sad but true.

sokillme, I'm happy to report that I've moved on with my life already with success. The year of lying I endured before I realized what was happening lead me to believe I couldn't ever trust or love her again, so when the time came to divorce her, I didn't shed a tear or lose any sleep. The worst thing I felt was what it did to my grown kids. They were old enough to figure it all out, and in fact said they knew it was bad before I did. I also learned a lot about how to operate in my new relationship(s), and it's helped me a lot. I'm a better person now, and am actually happy it happened so I could get out of the relationship that was torturing me.

The last thing I'll say is I've had great response from women who are looking for a guy like me, and I'll make someone a very good partner when the time comes. I've accepted the things I should have done better in my marriage, and I'm a better person who will be a better partner in the future.

Thanks again for your comments, thoughts and support. I really enjoy this site and hope to be able to help others if they are going through what I went through.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BHB4408 said:


> Thank you sokillme and others. I like and agree with the statement that menopause is not the cause of her deeds, and that's an excuse to make me feel better. Bingo. When you marry and live with a Christian woman for 25 years, you try to figure out why she starts cussing one day, and eventually cheats. You look for the cause and grasp on anything that explains the distinct change from the woman you married to the woman you hear about on the streets. I think I already said this, but once I found out what was really going on, it explains many unanswered questions I had over the years before I found out. Sad but true.
> 
> sokillme, I'm happy to report that I've moved on with my life already with success. The year of lying I endured before I realized what was happening lead me to believe I couldn't ever trust or love her again, so when the time came to divorce her, I didn't shed a tear or lose any sleep. The worst thing I felt was what it did to my grown kids. They were old enough to figure it all out, and in fact said they knew it was bad before I did. I also learned a lot about how to operate in my new relationship(s), and it's helped me a lot. I'm a better person now, and am actually happy it happened so I could get out of the relationship that was torturing me.
> 
> ...


A postive outlook and I have no doubt your experiences will make you a great partner for someone who will appreciate you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I signed on to a website that tracked the owner of the phone number.


What's the web address for that?


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## Rob Panache (Jul 18, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> The gut is literally a human being's 6th sense and should be trusted as much as eyes and ears.


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## Rob Panache (Jul 18, 2020)

I'm new here, so hopefully I'm following protocol. What if your gut one day says one thing and then the next day the opposite? In my case, I'm simply not sure if something happened on a business trip. This is not a case where I suspect something is going on now, but wondering if my trust in our completely and open relationship is misplaced.


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## Rob Panache (Jul 18, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> The gut is literally a human being's 6th sense and should be trusted as much as eyes and ears.





BHB4408 said:


> When I told her I knew the truth and played her the tape, I said I wanted a divorce. She ran to a attorney the next day and filed for legal separation. That stalled me for 6 months so I couldn't file. The day the 6 months was up, I filed for divorce and it was granted very quickly by the court. My state is community property state, and she never had to work outside the home, so there was a chance I would have alimony for the rest of my life due to the 25 year marriage. My $12,000 attorney got it down to 7 years, at a 50% level. I saved all my life to have a good retirement, and was all set to retire in 6 years. But now, it won't be that soon. She is coming out of her menopausal state (according to her sister), and regrets what she's done to me and our 3 kids, but I can never go back. Never can trust her or maybe anyone again. I would have bet my life that she would never do such a thing, and it was a shock to me when I actually heard the recorded conversation. I will wish her the best, and have gone on with my life. Funny thing is....After 8 months of wondering what was happening, and being lied to, when the divorce was granted it was a huge weight off my shoulders and I never shed a tear. There are many more signs I should have paid attention to. If anyone on here has seen signs and are wondering about them, talk to me, to see if they are the same things I missed.


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## Rob Panache (Jul 18, 2020)

Thank you for sharing so much of your story to help others. If your offer still stands, I would love to pick your brain regarding signs. My case, at least what I know, is quite mild compared to yours but it still leaves me wondering and preoccupied. Are you open to emailing directly vs. posting everything? If that is against the 'rules' just let me know. I just joined today.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rob Panache said:


> Thank you for sharing so much of your story to help others. If your offer still stands, I would love to pick your brain regarding signs. My case, at least what I know, is quite mild compared to yours but it still leaves me wondering and preoccupied. Are you open to emailing directly vs. posting everything? If that is against the 'rules' just let me know. I just joined today.


All you need to do is to start your own thread, posting what your situation is, and you'll get TONS of ideas and advice from members who have been through and seen everything!

That's the best way to get help and guidance...!!


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