# Suspecting dad of (possibly) cheating



## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

Today, I stumbled upon a host of emails in my dad's inbox that suggest that he has the intention to cheat on my mom-a marriage of over 25 years.
I should note, I am not the snooping type. I was borrowing my dad's old phone, since I am currently abroad visiting them-and I guess his inbox on his iphone is linked to a junk mail account of his (which he presumably forgot links to this phone..)

This seems like a recent development, but I have enough proof to know that he has the intention of cheating on my mother. There are notifications in his inbox of 2 opened online dating sites, detailed (and very graphic emails) of secret rendezvous, sex, etc., and a craigslist ad. He even had the audacity to mention that he is indeed married and has children to some of his potential other women.

I love my dad very much. My parents marriage is admired by all of their friends-my mom is a great woman, and I do believe that my dad still loves her. My dad loves me and my brother very much, and that I know for sure.

I think it's something about moving as US expats to Southeast Asia that leads to some excitement about cheating. I should mention that he has friends from work who have, since moving here, cheated on their wives. 

I haven't told anybody, and I don't really know what to do. I don't want to be the cause of a divorce, or a rift between him and my mom/myself and brother. He intends to cheat on my mom on his next business trip (as I have learned from correspondences), so I really do want to address it before that time.
Who do I tell first? My dad to clarify things? Or my mom? or my brother.
I don't want to embarrass my dad, and I do want him to know that I love him, but I do want to address this head on.

I really lost at this point as to what to do.
Please, any advice for a 22 year old daughter who so badly wants to reconcile this issue, is much appreciated.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Your mother is the one who he's betraying first of all. You need to tell her first. If you tell your father he will likely try to talk you out of it with promises of stopping. Before you tell your mother have some resources in hand that will help her tackle this. Let her know about this site as well. She's going to need all the support she can get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

thesunwillcomeout said:


> Your mother is the one who he's betraying first of all. You need to tell her first. If you tell your father he will likely try to talk you out of it with promises of stopping. Before you tell your mother have some resources in hand that will help her tackle this. Let her know about this site as well. She's going to need all the support she can get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I still think if you tell your dad first he's going to give you a whole lot of promises, and then when your gone, continue on. The fact that he's looking means he is in the most dangerous spot of all....he's about to destroy his life. Much better to bust it now before he crosses over. Either way your mom deserves to know because, as I understand it, he's already corresponded with POW?? And if that's the case he's already cheated. Either way she will one day find out and you can't spare her the devastating news of his unfaithfulness. 

My parents survived my fathers affair ---it was AWFUL! But my mother was a pit bull and yanked that man out of the fog by exposing high and low without realizing what she was doing. (Something to do with her temper). Though it took time things came back around and they were soooooo close in their twilight years. My father was very grateful for my mom and what she did and told us kids. He loved her. 

Remember your mom will hurt either way. Shower her with love
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Call him and confront him. Tell him what you found and you will tell mother if he doesn't confess to her first. he will try to cover it up or talk his way out of it. Don't bother. Talk to your mother later to make sure he confessed. If you are not sure if you should confront him on phone, do it on email


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I have no experience in something like this, however if it were me, I would do it this way: First, tell your brother and show him all of the evidence. This is gonna do a couple things. It will give another opinon of exactly what the content of the emails and stuff are, but most importantly verify what you already know so you don't feel so alone. Secondly, both you and your brother confront your Dad with the info. Let him know you weren't intentionally snooping, but this is what you found. Tell him that he has two choices...tell your Mom about it or wait in the wings when you and your brother tell her. I would give him the opportunity to confess, however you and your brother need to be present to support your Mom AND, more importantly...make sure he doesn't gaslight or minimize his actions.

Good luck.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

I hope others will chime in here. Maybe some would say go to your dad first. Just know if you do and he tries to talk you out of it, be strong and say "either you tell her or I will". If you think you can do that and not buckle then let him know first. But your mom deserves to know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Call him and confront him. Tell him what you found and you will tell mother if he doesn't confess to her first. he will try to cover it up or talk his way out of it. Don't bother. Talk to your mother later to make sure he confessed. If you are not sure if you should confront him on phone, do it on email


Yes, this! Much better! But don't let him talk you out of it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I have no experience in something like this, however if it were me, I would do it this way: First, tell your brother and show him all of the evidence. This is gonna do a couple things. It will give another opinon of exactly what the content of the emails and stuff are, but most importantly verify what you already know so you don't feel so alone. Secondly, both you and your brother confront your Dad with the info. Let him know you weren't intentionally snooping, but this is what you found. Tell him that he has two choices...tell your Mom about it or wait in the wings when you and your brother tell her. I would give him the opportunity to confess, however you and your brother need to be present to support your Mom AND, more importantly...make sure he doesn't gaslight or minimize his actions.
> 
> Good luck.


And this! ^^^^ Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

By the way FBR...I do believe as you state that your Mom loves your Dad and he loves her, as well as you and your brother.

However, an affair isn't about that love. It is about selfishness and egoism.

My wife loved me (as well as our children) throughout her 5 year long affair.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

fbr321 said:


> Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.


Intention is everything. 

Your father is already betraying your mother. She needs to know. 

There is nothing like discovery for a man to end his cheating ways,. 

You are likely right, too, your father loves your mother and is giving in to temptation and he is acting like a sheep following the herd of his cheating acquaintances, instead of leading the herd. Extramarital sex is all much easier and almost openly accepted in the country he now lives in. 

You will in the end be helping your father.

I wish someone had stopped me from giving in to temptation.

This will definitely ruin the marriage and your mother may divorce him. Stop it now. Tell her before she finds out and before your father actually has sex with another women.

If you confront him first, he will likely take the cheating underground. You will have taught him not to use his regular phone. He will buy a burn phone and hide it.


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## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

Thank you so much for the advice, it really is such a relief to be able to talk to somebody about this.
I think I will begin by talking to my brother about this first, and hopefully, together, we can think of a plan on how to tell my dad. I'm really bad at confrontations (I tend to cry excessively..) but I will be reminded to stay determined and give him that ultimatum. My brother is currently in the states, so I'm the only one here who can physically talk to him. I'm moving back to the US soon, so it really is up to my dad to make things right after I'm gone.
Still in shock-today has been the longest day of my life


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Some good advice above. Also, don't place blame on yourself for the stress this will put on your parents marriage. You are not the cause. He is.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

fbr321 said:


> Thanks for the advice. The only thing that is preventing me from telling my mom first is that I am almost sure that my dad hasn't done anything yet, but that he has the intentions to cheat. Do you find it wise to address it before it becomes a reality and tell him first? I just don't want to make my mom sad unnecessarily if I can prevent it.


Here is the thing that you might not realize yet. Yes, you Dad has indeed "done something yet". Sure, it wasn't physical (yet), however the intent is there. So what happens if you tell your Mom that Dad "intends" to cheat? Is that not enough? Perhaps your Mom can stop him before he has an affair. Perhaps they will fight, but they'll have a chance to address it before it gets too far.

I would recommend that you tell your Mom what you know, and let her handle your Dad. Then, you can step aside and let them deal with it. You see, if you tell your Dad first, he will merely cover his tracks and STILL try to cheat on your Mom. I'm sure you don't want that to happen.

Tell your Mom. Let her handle it. As a Mom myself, whose H did the same thing, I would want to know and I would be hurt if my son knew and kept me out of the loop, especially this period of time before Dad accomplishes his intended goal.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Adjust your perspective a bit. 

If you love your _Father_, you have to save him. He needs you. 

Infidelity isn't a single gunshot, or knife wound to a spouse's heart.. 

It's an atomic bomb. This will destroy him as well. It's a full scale thermonuclear explosion, anything and anyone anywhere near it will be impacted. The wreckage and fallout may take a lifetime to clear up, if ever.


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## hotsthrnmess (Dec 5, 2012)

Tell your brother first, get the support you need from him and then tell your mom. If you still have access to it, show her your evidence (maybe find a way to save it?). Although he hasn't physically cheated, the intentions are there and frankly, that is definitely enough. Show her the evidence and be there to support her. Don't blame yourself for anything that happens as a result of exposure. You will not be the reason for a divorce (if it happens), his actions will be. You are doing the right thing and imagine the feelings you'll have if you don't let your mother know.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

fbr321 said:


> Today, I stumbled upon a host of emails in my dad's inbox that suggest that he has the intention to cheat on my mom-a marriage of over 25 years.
> I should note, I am not the snooping type. I was borrowing my dad's old phone, since I am currently abroad visiting them-and I guess his inbox on his iphone is linked to a junk mail account of his (which he presumably forgot links to this phone..)
> 
> This seems like a recent development, but I have enough proof to know that he has the intention of cheating on my mother. There are notifications in his inbox of 2 opened online dating sites, detailed (and very graphic emails) of secret rendezvous, sex, etc., and a craigslist ad. He even had the audacity to mention that he is indeed married and has children to some of his potential other women.
> ...


I recently learned that my mother cheated on my father. So I can understand how you must feel. However, your mother deserves to know what is going on with her husband. Maybe you talk first with your father and give him a chance to tell the truth by himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Here is the thing that you might not realize yet. Yes, you Dad has indeed "done something yet". Sure, it wasn't physical (yet), however the intent is there. So what happens if you tell your Mom that Dad "intends" to cheat? Is that not enough? Perhaps your Mom can stop him before he has an affair. Perhaps they will fight, but they'll have a chance to address it before it gets too far.
> 
> I would recommend that you tell your Mom what you know, and let her handle your Dad. Then, you can step aside and let them deal with it. You see, if you tell your Dad first, he will merely cover his tracks and STILL try to cheat on your Mom. I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
> 
> Tell your Mom. Let her handle it. As a Mom myself, whose H did the same thing, I would want to know and I would be hurt if my son knew and kept me out of the loop, especially this period of time before Dad accomplishes his intended goal.


Now is the time to tell your mother. Do it right away before he actually has the chance to follow through with the sexual act. He could give your mother an STD, a deadly one.

It will be easier for your mother to get past his betrayal, if it has not progressed to actual full on sex. 

If you tell your father first, it's almost a given, he will simply go into stealth mode. Telling him first will be like pulling the pin on a grenade.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can tell your brother first, but you absolutely, absolutely have to tell your mother before you tell your father. She will be hurt & humiliated beyond repair if you don't. I have children your age, a daughter and a son, and I know whereof I speak. Do not make this a plan to approach her carefully. Tell her now. Right now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Really, tell her this very minute. She will never understand why you didn't go to her absolutely immediately with your discovery. It will feel like a betrayal to her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, my last bit:

Tell your mother immediately. Then tell your father that you told her, that you had to tell her, and that you love him.

Then, step back. Do not get in the middle at all. This is between your parents. You stumbled on this by accident. Do not stay in the thick of it once your mother knows.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry for this.
My teenage daughter discovered FB messages outlining my STBXH A (in excrutiating detail) while borrowing her dad's computer and came to me. She did the right thing. She is brave and smart and she had the courage to tell me, "Mom, I think Dad might be having an affair." I took it from there. 
And for what its worth, IMO the infidelity is towards the entire family, not just your mom. Assuming your dad is or wants to have an affair. Then he is already deceiving the family and confronting him before your mom allows him some time to cover his tracks.


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## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind words and the advice. I am planning to tell my mom first thing today.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Hope you're able to tell her in person, so you can give her a big hug.


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## hotsthrnmess (Dec 5, 2012)

fbr321 said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and the advice. I am planning to tell my mom first thing today.


You're doing the right thing, and when it's all said and done, your mother will appreciate it! Keep us posted, fbr!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I don't want to be the cause of a divorce, or a rift between him and my mom/myself and brother.


YOU would not be. He would.

Most men who go on their business trips abroad bring their wives back a tasteful present. Your father seems intent on bringing back your mother a present of an STD or HIV. How nice of him.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

fbr321, I would first forward all those emails to your email addy just for safe keeping.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

This might be gender biased because I'm a man and you're a girl, and that might ultimately be what decides who you tell first. It might be easier to talk to your mom, for me it would be my dad.

Essentially I would do what Warlock suggested,_ "Call him and confront him. Tell him what you found and you will tell mother if he doesn't confess to her first."_ I'd give him a chance to go ahead and come clean with my mother.

When is he traveling?

T


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## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> I recently learned that my mother cheated on my father. So I can understand how you must feel. However, your mother deserves to know what is going on with her husband. Maybe you talk first with your father and give him a chance to tell the truth by himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advice. I have to know, how did your father react? 
Apparently this is not the first time he cheated on my mother (what I recently learned from talking to her...happened over 10 years ago), but this will be the first time that my brother and I know.
Is there something about coming from the point of view of son or daughter that changes the cheater's perspective? I need some hope to hold onto, because I know my dad loves me and my brother.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would make an bogus email account and send your mom all the emails from the bogus email account. That way you are not tied to it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

fbr321,

How old are you? How did you come to this place?
Most of us here are betrayed ones.


Did you inform your mom? As someone earlier said in this thread, you should make some preparations for your mother such as counseling etc.

If you did tell your mom, how did the conversation go?

Take care,
AU


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

hotsthrnmess said:


> Tell your brother first, get the support you need from him and then tell your mom. If you still have access to it, show her your evidence (maybe find a way to save it?). Although he hasn't physically cheated, the intentions are there and frankly, that is definitely enough. Show her the evidence and be there to support her. Don't blame yourself for anything that happens as a result of exposure. You will not be the reason for a divorce (if it happens), his actions will be. You are doing the right thing and imagine the feelings you'll have if you don't let your mother know.


Also imagine your mom finding out after you are gone and you nor your brother are there to help her through this.


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## fbr321 (Dec 6, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> fbr321,
> 
> How old are you? How did you come to this place?
> Most of us here are betrayed ones.
> ...


I'm 22 years old, just graduated college. I came across this place because I really wanted some advice and guidance as to what to do.

Today has been a very long day, but I really think that all of your kind words helped me a lot. I told my mom first, then my mom called my brother. My mom is a rock, and while I was crying hysterically when I first told her, she kept it together. My mom then told me that this happened once before, 10 years ago, when I was just 11 years old, and she had to go through this alone, for me and my brother. 
Perhaps it was the change of scenery, moving here to southeast Asia sparks something in men here.
I sent my dad a very long email after I told my mom (he was at work), pretty much telling him that I know now, that I had to tell my mom and brother, and (to an extent) shame him. I remained firm and told him that I love him, and I know he loves my mom (my mom said that their marriage has never been better, they have sex regularly, etc.).
I gave him the ultimatum: go have sex with these women here or lose the love and respect of your daughter. I came at him not only as a daughter, but as a woman, who so badly wants to believe that a marriage is worth fighting for. 
My mom and I left the house because it was suffocating and went to a secluded beach area. My dad called and drove straight there. We cried together (and I have never seen my dad cry like this), but my mom and I addressed the issue openly and to the point. I didn't want to shame him and embarrass him unnecessarily, but I let him know what he's facing now-that his infidelities of the past, and these intentions of infidelity now are known not only to my mother, but to me and my brother. 
The thought of him potentially losing me and brother devastated him. And I know it. Despite everything that has happened, my dad is an amazing father to me. And I assured him that our relations will not change, but if he does act on these intentions (and I assured him that I will know if he does), he will lose everything.

I'm mature, his graphic emails sent to these women didn't phase me, because part of me thinks there's something that prompts this weird fantasy of another "life." 

I guess I just have to start moving on. Not saying that it won't be tough, but we are all going to fight for this family. And I wouldn't fight for it if I didn't know how true my parents love is.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your an amazing young women, That took a lot of strength. I'm very sorry you found yourself here but thank you for sharing your story.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

fbr321 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I have to know, how did your father react?
> Apparently this is not the first time he cheated on my mother (what I recently learned from talking to her...happened over 10 years ago), but this will be the first time that my brother and I know.
> Is there something about coming from the point of view of son or daughter that changes the cheater's perspective? I need some hope to hold onto, because I know my dad loves me and my brother.


I just recently learned this and the cheating was 10 years ago. They decided to stay together for the kids and keep all of it between themselves. Basically, my father decided to suffer in silence. But we suspected there was something odd between them. Even now, they don’t discuss it much with us, which is very frustrating. I accepted that this whole mess is between the two of them, I can only offer my perspective on it. Currently, I am not even angry anymore, just disillusioned.

Good luck to you and your family.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your an amazing young women, That took a lot of strength. I'm very sorry you found yourself here but thank you for sharing your story.


This times a gazillion million.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You did great - good luck to you all. Your parents have a hard emotional time ahead.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are fabulous! Help your mom as much as you can. I'm sure she is being strong for you, but this hurts to ones core. I wish you luck in fighting for your family.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

You evinced maturity. I am happy and proud of you, whoever you are, whichever part of the world you live.

I hope your father had a dose of bitter and very necessary medicine.

I am sorry for your mother, and your family.

How did she deal with your father's affair 10 years ago? 

In prayers for good things to you and your family.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

You have just become one of my heroes! Now the hard part begins. If your father wants to repair he'll need to address this head on and fix what's wrong in himself and work hard to heal your mother (and you all).

You did great!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What a brave woman you are! I'm proud of you, conducting yourself with such a grace. Great things will happen to you.
Your Mom AND Dad are sure very proud of you. You Dad know you are fabolous.
Leave them deal with it by themselves. You did your part. The marriage is theirs. Maybe you can light the burden out of your mom, taking care of some little things and supporting her your way. About your Dad, I hope he step out to make amends not only to your mom but to you nad your siblings.

And now take care of yourself. I'm sorry, friend. I now you are hurting too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What a brave woman you are! I'm proud of you, conducting yourself with such a grace. Great things will happen to you.
> Your Mom AND Dad are sure very proud of you. You Dad know you are fabolous.
> Leave them deal with it by themselves. You did your part. The marriage is theirs. Maybe you can light the burden out of your mom, taking care of some little things and supporting her your way. About your Dad, I hope he step out to make amends not only to your mom but to you nad your siblings.
> 
> And now take care of yourself. I'm sorry, friend. I now you are hurting too.


:iagree:

Well done.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My question is would you want to know if your husband was cheating on you? Would you want your husband to bring home an incurable miserable or possibly life threatening sexual disease?

I sure would. I don't care who tells me the truth, even if its my children. My ex h cheated on me with several women. I found out before Internet and cell phones were available. I immediately left. I'll immediately leave again because I refuse to be betrayed even if its after 25 years.


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