# Wife is confused, wants space



## Confusee

So we have been together for 6 years, married for 1. Everything was going good in our lives I thought until a few weeks ago when she said we had to talk. She is confused as to what she wants and doesn't know what to do. Insists she needs space and time and wants to be separate to learn who she is again. Says she is falling out of love but she still loves me.i was blind sided by this and disn't know what to do. I guess she met another guy about a month ago who she connected with and she has never had feeling like that for anyone other than me before. That's where she started second guessing our marriage. I have no idea what to do I am currently backing off and giving her space. Any insight for what I should do. I don't want to lose her but I feel like she has put up a wall and won't let me in. I'm just confused and scared don't know what is happening. Im depressed with anxiety at work unable to eat or focus on work. It's tough...


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## Confusee

She said I have changed, less spontaneous less thoughtful. Not the man she originally married. Our lives have become separated a bit as we work long hours and rarely have time together anymore. I feel we need to spend more time together so I can prove I'm commited to make this work but she disagrees


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## tech-novelist

She is cheating on you, at least emotionally and probably physically. If it's not physical yet, it will be soon.
If you want to know what is going on, read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html and do what it says.


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## just got it 55

180 and let her walk give her what she wants

BTW I think she is full of sh!t

No kids ? get out you are dodging a cannon ball

55


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## karole

I'm sorry. Your wide most likely has a boyfriend. Have her served with divorce papers to see if that wakes her up. So sorry.


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## MrsAldi

Confusee said:


> She said I have changed, less spontaneous less thoughtful. Not the man she originally married. Our lives have become separated a bit as we work long hours and rarely have time together anymore. I feel we need to spend more time together so I can prove I'm commited to make this work but she disagrees


I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
Unfortunately both of you guys stressful work lives has taken a toll on your marriage. 

You said yourself, you are not the man that she originally married. 
Did she just notify you of this or has she been complaining for a while about this? 

Unfortunately now she's found support in the arms of another & is now unwilling to work with you to save your marriage. 

Maybe let her go for now & work on being better able to manage your work stress & make quality time for relaxing. 
Who knows maybe if she sees the improvement in you, she might be willing to work on the marriage. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## MrsAldi

Also are you getting treatment for your anxiety? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 225985

As @just got it 55 mentioned, you MUST do the 180 if you want any hope of getting your wife back.

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

For the anxiety, tomorrow make an appointment to see your family doctor. Talk to him about Zoloft (anti anxiety). It takes about two weeks to take full effect, so ask about something to hold you over until then. Xanax works well but you will only get about 10-20 pills. That is it. Anxiety is your enemy. It will cause you to do the wrong thing and make the wrong decisions. Like begging to get her back.

It sounds at least to be an emotional affair. They are very powerful. This can easily become physical if not already.

Sorry you are here but you came to the right place. 

Listen to the advice here. But be sure to follow the advice.


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## Confusee

I brought it up and she insisted she hasn't cheated on me. She just started questoning us when she talked to another guy one night and realized all common interests they have. Stuff I don't initiate like traveling. Im more money orientated and she wants to travel and be a free spirit. She wants to feel like when we first stared dating, I was more spontanius suprised her more often. The honey moon stage....


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## MarriedDude

Confusee said:


> So we have been together for 6 years, married for 1. Everything was going good in our lives I thought until a few weeks ago when she said we had to talk. *Pretty Much what a husband hears...95% of the time*
> 
> She is confused as to what she wants and doesn't know what to do. Insists she needs space and time and wants to be separate to learn who she is again.*She wants space to date the other guy. Also Typical*
> 
> Says she is falling out of love but she still loves me.i was blind sided by this and disn't know what to do. I guess she met another guy about a month ago who she connected with and she has never had feeling like that for anyone other than me before. That's where she started second guessing our marriage. *Because he doesn't have to deal with the Day to Day like you do...She gets the "New Love" Feeling...*
> 
> 
> I have no idea what to do I am currently backing off and giving her space. *Have you asked yourself....How is it that a relationship can be worked on....while not seeing each other??? Cause...it can't. The longer you wait...the weaker you look. Read up on the 180....Do this NOW...YESTERDAY...NOW...*
> 
> 
> Any insight for what I should do.*180 Immediately...Start Divorce paperwork...immediately. This Is the only thing that will make her wake up. * I don't want to lose her* You already lost her* but I feel like she has put up a wall and won't let me in.
> 
> I'm just confused and scared don't know what is happening. *In a nutshell...You wife is having an affair and now she wants to spend more time with the other man..So she is going to string you along....and have you wait for her to decide if she wants the new guy or you. Stop waiting. Start the paperwork. .*Im depressed with anxiety at work unable to eat or focus on work. It's tough...


Go see a doctor for the anxiety. Read up on the 180. Stop chasing her. Stop talking to her. 

Man the ***k up and get your life back. 

She is only doing what you are allowing her to do. 

Sorry you are here....YOU are the only one that can fix your marriage.


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## MarriedDude

Confusee said:


> *I brought it up and she insisted she hasn't cheated on me. *She just started questoning us when she talked to another guy one night and realized all common interests they have. Stuff I don't initiate like traveling. Im more money orientated and she wants to travel and be a free spirit. She wants to feel like when we first stared dating, I was more spontanius suprised her more often. The honey moon stage....


She says this because she has already detached from you...So in her mind (weird as it is), she hasn't cheated...She has already left you...She just neglected to tell you about it.


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## MarriedDude

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## MarriedDude

The 180....from Elegirls signature line




MarriedDude said:


> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> 4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
> 5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
> 6. Do not ask for help from family members.
> 7. Do not ask for reassurances.
> 8. Do not buy gifts.
> 9. Do not schedule dates together.
> 10. Do not spy on spouse.
> 11. Do not say "I Love You".
> 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
> 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
> 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
> 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
> 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
> 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
> 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
> 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
> 20. All questions about marriage should be put on
> hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
> 21. Never lose your cool.
> 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
> 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
> 24. Be patient
> 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
> 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
> 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
> 28. Be strong and confident.
> 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
> CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
> 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
> 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
> 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
> 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
> 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
> 
> 
> 2 things to think about if you do this:
> 
> 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
> 
> 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## 225985

Confusee said:


> I brought it up and she insisted she hasn't cheated on me.


Assuming she is telling the truth, which at this point is suspect, she probably is referring ONLY to sex. There are many forms of cheating. This is emotional cheating, or an emotional affair. 

She will compare you to him and you will lose in every match-up. Been there, done that. There is no way you can match him. He is a fantasy. You are real.


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## Marc878

Check your phone bill and quit buying her BS.


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## Marc878

Full of lies, hiding and denials. Cheater script all the way. A blind man could see this.


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## Evinrude58

I want space, I don't know myself, I'm confused....,,,,

Translation: I feel like crap when I'm married to you and seeing/screwing him. I need to get separated so I don't feel like the low-life that I am. 
The rationalization wheel will start spinning. You didn't do x, y, z.
Thus new guy makes me feel beautiful and loved and is exciting and spontaneous.

You have already received good advice.
If you don't have kids, I know it hurts but count your blessings. This happens all the time, not just to you.

There is zero doubt in .my mind that you are being cheAted on. Every single one of these women who walk away, lie and say they haven't. BS.

You shouldn't want this woman. You have practically zero chance of keeping her. However, if you want a chance, hit her with reality and divorce papers, kick her out if you can, and go dark on her as you've been told. Never ever talk to her. It will be very hard, the hardest thing youve ever done. It's a horrible experience and I second the Zoloft suggestion.

Make no mustake. She's been cheating for quite a while. This decision on her part doesn't happen overnight.

In very sorry. My advice is to divorce her and never look back. You don't have a future with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344

Evinrude58 said:


> I want space, I don't know myself, I'm confused....,,,,
> 
> 
> 
> Translation: I feel like crap when I'm married to you and seeing/screwing him. I need to get separated so I don't feel like the low-life that I am.
> 
> The rationalization wheel will start spinning. You didn't do x, y, z.
> 
> Thus new guy makes me feel beautiful and loved and is exciting and spontaneous.
> 
> 
> 
> You have already received good advice.
> 
> If you don't have kids, I know it hurts but count your blessings. This happens all the time, not just to you.
> 
> 
> 
> There is zero doubt in .my mind that you are being cheAted on. Every single one of these women who walk away, lie and say they haven't. BS.
> 
> 
> 
> You shouldn't want this woman. You have practically zero chance of keeping her. However, if you want a chance, hit her with reality and divorce papers, kick her out if you can, and go dark on her as you've been told. Never ever talk to her. It will be very hard, the hardest thing youve ever done. It's a horrible experience and I second the Zoloft suggestion.
> 
> 
> 
> Make no mustake. She's been cheating for quite a while. This decision on her part doesn't happen overnight.
> 
> 
> 
> In very sorry. My advice is to divorce her and never look back. You don't have a future with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




You know I never jump on the cheating band wagon but I really think at the very least she has compared you to this friend and has checked out completely. Grass is greener on the other side.
Follow the advice about taking an anti depressant..it will help you keep a clear head when everything comes out and comes to a head.
You have gotten a lot of good advice on this thread...hopefully you can take some of it. 
Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone


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## 225985

citygirl4344 said:


> You know I never jump on the cheating band wagon but I really think at the very least she has compared you to this friend and has checked out completely. Grass is greener on the other side.
> *Follow the advice about taking an anti depressant.*.it will help you keep a clear head when everything comes out and comes to a head.
> You have gotten a lot of good advice on this thread...hopefully you can take some of it.
> Good luck.
> Sent from my iPhone


 @Confusee discuss your symptoms, feelings of anxiety, etc with your doctor. There is a difference between antidepressants and antianxiety meds, although sometimes there is overlap. No doubt you may be depressed later, but you probably have more a problem with stress and anxiety (feelings of panic, heart racing, feeling out of control) than depression (no motivation, lack of energy, always feeling down etc.)


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## eric1

do you know her boyfriend's name?


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## MarriedDude

@Confusee

I hope you are OK...its quite a bit to take in. This is a safe place to talk, vent, ask questions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confusee

She wants to try and date for a little bit, sleep in different bed. Go and have date nights and rekindle the spark. Take is slow and revaluate in a month. See if she can fall back in love with me. I'm more than willing to give it a shot but I'm really putting my heart out there. She is willin to put down her walls and try. The past few weeks she has been very defensive and won't let me in. She wants me to be the man I used to be. More caring, thoughtful. I'm more than willing to be a better person and put her first I have sort of taken her for granted for some time now and didn't quite have that spark. I'm so confused I want it to work but will I be worse off in a month if she still decide's to end it?


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## Lostme

Yes you will be worse off.

What is she being so defensive for? it does not sound like she is letting her walls down. Are you sure she is not seeing someone else and just stringing you along in case it doe snot work out with the other person? cheaters are good at doing this.


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## Confusee

She talked with some of her older married friend's and they got to her. I had a real talk with her and she isn't a cheating type. She just said she had talked to this guy a few times as he is easy to talk To. She asked if i would be willing to try this for a month as she owed it to the marriage. She will cut all ties with this other guy. She is a very strong person but she is the type that needs people around when she is hurt.


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## Confusee

She called this morning and it was something she wants to try if I would be up for it. It was not my idea but hers


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## karole

Please dear, check your phone records to, at least, find out how much she is actually talking to the guy. You owe it to yourself to rule out an affair. In my humble opinion, if she is confiding in another man her difficulties regarding you and/or your marriage, that is cheating. So, please, do some investigating. You need to know what you are up against. 

Best of Luck.


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## naiveonedave

Confusee said:


> She talked with some of her older married friend's and they got to her. I had a real talk with her and she isn't a cheating type. She just said she had talked to this guy a few times as he is easy to talk To. She asked if i would be willing to try this for a month as she owed it to the marriage. She will cut all ties with this other guy. She is a very strong person but she is the type that needs people around when she is hurt.


my guess is that this is her EA person. It would not surprise me that it went PA and now she is taking it underground. How do you work on things if you are separated, it makes no sense.

Right now she is in having in love feelings with this other dude. She won't be able to reconcile that when you try to date her, which means she will dump you after a month. The separation is merely an act to ease her guilty conscience.


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## tech-novelist

There is a 99%+ probability that she is cheating on you. She is following the cheater's playbook to the letter.

Have you followed the advice in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html? If not, you don't know anything about what she is actually doing.


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## Relationship Teacher

Confusee said:


> So we have been together for 6 years, married for 1. Everything was going good in our lives I thought until a few weeks ago when she said we had to talk. She is confused as to what she wants and doesn't know what to do. Insists she needs space and time and wants to be separate to learn who she is again. Says she is falling out of love but she still loves me.i was blind sided by this and disn't know what to do. I guess she met another guy about a month ago who she connected with and she has never had feeling like that for anyone other than me before. That's where she started second guessing our marriage. I have no idea what to do I am currently backing off and giving her space. Any insight for what I should do. I don't want to lose her but I feel like she has put up a wall and won't let me in. I'm just confused and scared don't know what is happening. Im depressed with anxiety at work unable to eat or focus on work. It's tough...






Confusee said:


> She said I have changed, less spontaneous less thoughtful. Not the man she originally married. Our lives have become separated a bit as we work long hours and rarely have time together anymore. I feel we need to spend more time together so I can prove I'm commited to make this work but she disagrees


She's got a wall up, that is for sure. Part of it is because of disbelief. Why is she going to trust that you will change (for the better), when she feels she knows "the real you".

The best thing to do is just act along factual lines. Facts don't need grandiose support or justification. Facts are just facts. You also don't really need to prove anything to her. Just show her. If she realizes it, she will come back. If you try to force it onto her, she will step back.

I'm always asking men and women what they expect, when they have become emotionally separated. You've been starving for it, and some random guy/gal is now offering to give it to you......until the relationship becomes a committed one. The problem is that she is somewhat blind by hormones, and doesn't realize it is all fake (from this other guy).

The issue is that you have to be the guy that will give her passion, commitment, and friendship - consistently.


Just focus on being the man you need to be, whether or not she comes back to you. If you "fight" for her, you are acting out of desperation. Desperation is an illusion. Relationships don't work on illusions.

Again, prove nothing to her. Show her. When she says "too little, too late." Accept it, and keep showing her. Take responsibility for yourself. Let her take responsibility for herself.

Ask her to stop seeing this other guy. Tell her you won't check-up on her, either.

I specifically advise individuals to still be there for their distancing partner, otherwise, you might give her an easy exit. Generally speaking, this means offering gifts of love and waiting for them to accept. They key is to do it in a low-key manner.

Another helpful thing is to just let her talk it out. If she is still there enough to do so, let her just explain everything to you. Don't beat down her words and opinions, just listen.

Good luck. Remember that this happens *a lot*. As such, it is a simple (not necessarily easy) thing to resolve.


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## 225985

Confusee said:


> She talked with some of her older married friend's and they got to her*. I had a real talk with her and she isn't a cheating type. *She just said she had talked to this guy a few times as he is easy to talk To. She asked if i would be willing to try this for a month as she owed it to the marriage. She will cut all ties with this other guy. She is a very strong person but she is the type that needs people around when she is hurt.


So what exactly is the cheating type? Don't believe the old stereotypes. Nearly anyone can cheat. Most of the betrayed spouses here probably would not have believed their wife or husband was the cheating type. Until it happened. 

Ok, if you agree with the dating thing, tell her it is exclusive dating for both of you, not with ANY others and if either you and her date another period during this period you agree to divorce. That is not foolproof protection, but you are giving her clear warning. She may take it underground, but try this. Oh, and make it clear that even if you get back together or stay together if either of you find out months or years later that one of you dated others during this period, the divorce agreement kicks in immediately. Make this non negotiable. If she hesitates, then you know you are her Plan B and she is already dating the other guy.

If she is NOT dating anyone, she should have no problem agreeing fully to this.


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## Evinrude58

I disagree with letting her string you ing for a month.
She is: 

1)lying about not seeing or having contact with the other guy while she "dates" you. Why do I say this? Because she was emotionally attached to him enough and detached from you to end the marriage.

2) she already is worried Bout the consequences for her actions and feels guilty. She is showing you what you need to do--- file for divorce, ask HER to leave, show her you are no whiny desperate man who will hang around to give her ego kibbles. Do to be mean, just end it and file. This WILL give her consequences and FORCE her to rethink her selfish "love" for this OM. Simple. Anything else leaves her with you in her back pocket and him to see underground or just pine for while she has time to finish detaching from you.

3). You can't make someone fall in love with you. It's not your job. It was HER job as your wife to work out problems, and take care of her love. Yes, you had a role. Guess what? When this happens, they will make you feel so guilty that the marriage ending was YOUR fault when THEY are giving their emotions to another man. Don't fall for that bs. You weren't perfect but you weren't banging Sally down the street AFAIK.

4). You can use her guilt to get an equitable divorce. There's a time limit on that guilt. After they fully detach, they don't care whether you live it die. Yes, a month can cost you. And it won't work out like you think. She's plan b'ing you. You aren't plan a. And even good married women can't talk the craziness out of a wayward wife once it gets started--the cheating, I mean.

So there's my advice. I've been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

Btw, she isn't the "cheating type"????

My cheating ex was the most vocal person in our Sunday school class while she could hardly be free of her phone for an hour for wanting to sext her cybersex partners.

You have her in a pedestal.
She will prove me right when I say in a month, you will say she's changed so much, you don't even know her. 

She is a cheater, and you are in denial. 

Question: are you willing to even try to do some digging as you've been told, to find out the extent of her relationship with the OM? 


The reason is, it could help you detach and deal with this in the correct manner. We see this constantly here on TAM. Not one single time have I seen a cheater who wanted "space" and said she'd "date" her husband, actually come back to the marriage with love for her husband. It doesn't happen. It's just stringing you along.

And yes, she's a cheater based on your words. You're just scared to see the truth. Everyone is. Do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

A one-month trial? Do you really think you can slove all your marital problems in a month? Do you think you can light that spark in her in a month? I don't. You'd be hard to find anyone that would either. Why don't you ask a marriage counselor if they thought you could win her back in a month? It would take you much longer to just get yourself familiar with the how and whys relationships succeed and fail. 

Think about it! She's putting a limited time period on it so, 
1) She will convince herself and her support group that she tried to save the M. 
2) She worries her boyfriend will hang on only a short time before he moves on from the drama. 

The only thing that's going to happen during that month is you looking even more unattractive and pitiful at playing the "pick me" dance in futility. Good luck with that. 

My advice, don't agree to a time limit and insist on counseling. Either she's A) all in at a serious attempt at figuring this mess out between both of you or it's B) divorce. There is no plan C, that's only limbo. It's not going to work if, she's not all in, he's waiting in the wings, or you can't trust her. 

Best


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## MarriedDude

Confusee said:


> She wants to try and date for a little bit, sleep in different bed. *Is this 'Other bed" in your shared house?*
> 
> Go and have date nights and rekindle the spark.*How often did you go out as a couple before this happened? be Honest....When was the last time you went and did something just for fun?*
> 
> Take is slow and revaluate in a month. See if she can fall back in love with me.*Did she use those words exactly? Words mean things...It sounds like she just said she doesn't currently lover you...this is important.*
> 
> I'm more than willing to give it a shot but I'm really putting my heart out there. *Why are you willing to give it a shot? Really ask yourself why. *
> 
> She is willin to put down her walls and try. The past few weeks she has been very defensive and won't let me in. She wants me to be the man I used to be. More caring, thoughtful. I'm more than willing to be a better person and put her first I have sort of taken her for granted for some time now and didn't quite have that spark. I'm so confused I want it to work but will I be worse off in a month if she still decide's to end it?


*You need to decide if the month is really worth it. The boundaries need to be solid and totally understood by both of you. 

Now for the hard part.....this wasn't really out of the blue...was it? Things probably felt a little off for sometime...if you really think it through..you will probably come up with an event...or series of events that started to turn the relationship. You REALLY need to figure this out. If you don't...you will merely address symptoms of a problem..and it will never work long term. *


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## MarriedDude

Why is there no edit function???


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## naiveonedave

OP - the OM will get more sex in this 1 month separation than you got over the past several years.

If I were you, every date you go on while separated, I would assume your W and the OM had had sex within the past 24 hours, most likely much less...


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## anchorwatch

blueinbr said:


> Because you are not a Forum Supporter.
> 
> ETA: Sorry to threadjack. I will delete this shortly.


Really? Is that new?


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## Yeswecan

Confusee said:


> She just said she had talked to this guy a few times as he is easy to talk To.


This "guy" is a marriage counselor? Maybe the three of you can meet and discuss your marriage with the ''guy". 

She is testing the waters, sir.


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## jb02157

I know how you feel, wife did more less the same thing to me at about the 6-7 year mark. Just like that with a stroke of their confused mind, they send you into limbo. Just like that your finances don't matter after you've spend your life trying to make things work for both of you. It's for this reason that if I'm ever able to get out of this marriage, I'll never do it again. It makes no sense to tie your finances so close to someone who can undo everything in a matter of minutes.


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## Evinrude58

"She just said she talked to this guy a few times because he's easy to talk to."

And.......
You are so dependent on her that you actually believe that bullshlit???

I won't even bother translating lies into reality.

However, I will say that NO woman breaks up a marriage over a few "talks".
They break up a marriage because he's so good in bed, the new dude seems so exciting, you are old hat now, you do to make enough money, she's worth more....,,

What do you think this guy is telling her about you? It's not how great you are, I assure you. 

He is just telling her what she wants to hear, and it's really easy to do. As a result, he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You.... 
Hell she knows you.

There is a character trait that few people have. It's called loyalty.
You need to find a loyal person, or stay single.

But don't do the month thing and let her have that power. She can date and separate. aFTER you file for divorce and be sure to tell her good riddance. You don't need a disloyal cheater for a wife.
Every time you speak to this woman you will walk away from the conversation injured emotionally.
End it. The love is already over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice

OP,
Fundamentally this comes down to a few simple questions. One, are you comfortable being put on trial to prove yourself worthy? You have one month. Two, out of all the things you are accused of being or not being are they as serious as ending the marriage? What I mean is, given all that you are accused of doing to harm the marriage who is actually harming it worse you or your W? Three, are you content in having this scenario replay throughout your time together whenever she feels slighted in any way? Four, who finds the marriage more valuable and therefore worth saving at any cost?

If you will answer the questions above honestly you will find that your marriage is woefully one sided. I often find it curious the way people profess to fall in and out of love as if it is a passing fancy. I regret to inform you that, based on the information present, your wife does not now nor has she ever truly loved you. Love is not something that one can move in and out of at will or on a whim. True love elevates one's feelings for another beyond self.

Your wife and you do both share a common objective, you both want her to be happy. In marriage however, it can only be truly successful when the other person wants their spouse's happiness more so than their own. If your wife felt this way she would have approached you in a way that would have allowed you to see, or perhaps feel, her unhappiness and, although she would not ask, it would incite change in you since your desire is to make her happy.

Life often has a way of clouding perception and causing us to lose sight of what is ultimately important. The answer to that is not to "fall out of love" but rather be inspired to work harder to put life into perspective and focus more intently on what matters most. You have indicated that you are willing to do that now. So now the fifth and final question, is she?


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## Marc878

You'll wake up when she hits you with the 2x4 of seeing her with her other man.

Separation is for two purposes only. Prep for divorce or to spend more time with the other man.

Check your phone bill if you want the truth.

Perhaps you'd rather not know?????


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## karole

Marc878 said:


> You'll wake up when she hits you with the 2x4 of seeing her with her other man.
> 
> Separation is for two purposes only. Prep for divorce or to spend more time with the other man.
> 
> Check your phone bill if you want the truth.
> 
> Perhaps you'd ratheer not know?????


QFT!!


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## Spicy

You have gotten some good, strong, replies. I would follow the advice to look at phone records etc. If by chance all that shows nothing, then I personally would err on the side of, "What harm can come from me giving it a month?" A lot of harm is sure to come by giving up, going through a divorce and always wondering if I you should have tried. Hell, you can do all that 30 days from now just as well, right? You have 6 years invested, does it deserve a 1 month trial? Only you can answer this.

Would I have sex with her? No. That is too big a risk for you in case she is cheating. I would be upfront and say "We can do this month that you are suggesting, but we won't be having sex during that time. Let's reconnect and rebuild in every other way. We will figure that part out after the month." After the month, should you against all odds get back together again, she needs to go get tested for STDs.

Some people go through weird stuff emotionally. Some times they take it out on those closest to them, their spouses, even when their spouse doesn't deserve it...they just happen to be the ones there. I don't believe every one of them are cheaters. I hope your wife isn't. I wish you the very best...we will be here for you either way.


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## Archangel2

OP - You might look at a thread started by @Hantei. When he caught his wife cheating, she blamed him because he was not "someone who is enigmatic, artistic and enlightens people around him. Who stands up in the crowd and lives life to the fullest". Sound familiar? I think you would benefit by reading this thread.


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## eric1

If this friend is just a friend did she tell you his name?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## threelittlestars

Wow the denial is strong with this one.... 

Its okay, the majority like to learn their lessons the hard way. YOU will also learn that way because you think your wife is good an honorable right now. Well very soon or....five years down the road you will learn the truth. 

What you SHOULD be doing is not letting her go date right now. she wants YOU to do the pick me dance. WOOO her? Damnit she is your wife, and you love her and are not asking to date other people. Thats FraCKING romantic! She has another man in her life she specifically wants. You dont know who or what but you are denying because you THINK you know your wife. Often we know nothing more than the surface about our partner. Not like we THOUGHT we did. The worst thing you could do is go along with this. Either she tells you what this is really about or you file for divorce. Then date after papers are started. 

But you wont do this, so go for it, The next six months to a year are probably going to be brutal. Please come back when you know the truth. 
Come back either way. Tam is VERY helpful


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## Oscarquevedo83

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=344385, this is my story, very similar like yours


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## EleGirl

Confusee said:


> She wants to try and date for a little bit, sleep in different bed. Go and have date nights and rekindle the spark. Take is slow and revaluate in a month. See if she can fall back in love with me. I'm more than willing to give it a shot but I'm really putting my heart out there. She is willin to put down her walls and try. The past few weeks she has been very defensive and won't let me in. She wants me to be the man I used to be. More caring, thoughtful. I'm more than willing to be a better person and put her first I have sort of taken her for granted for some time now and didn't quite have that spark. I'm so confused I want it to work but will I be worse off in a month if she still decide's to end it?


Living apart almost always leads to divorce. It's not a way to fix a marriage. It's a way to ease out of a marriage.

How can she even see if you go back to being the man you used to be if she is not living with your? It makes no sense. Right now she is looking for a way out of the marriage, not to fix it.

If you go along with the separation, you are actually show more apathy and more lack of spark. A man who is decisive and who really loves a woman does not allow wishy washy situations in his marriage/relationship.

Do not agree to a separation. Tell her that if she wants to work on your relationship, that she needs to stay with you and work on it with you. She needs to end her friendship with this other guy. Until she agrees to end the friendship/EA and agrees to work on the marriage with you while living in the same home, interact with her according to the 180.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask her to read them with you and do the work that they prescribe to rebuild the passion and love in your relationship.


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## GusPolinski

Confusee said:


> She wants to try and date for a little bit, sleep in different bed. Go and have date nights and rekindle the spark. Take is slow and revaluate in a month. See if she can fall back in love with me. I'm more than willing to give it a shot but I'm really putting my heart out there. She is willin to put down her walls and try. The past few weeks she has been very defensive and won't let me in. She wants me to be the man I used to be. More caring, thoughtful. I'm more than willing to be a better person and put her first I have sort of taken her for granted for some time now and didn't quite have that spark. I'm so confused I want it to work but will I be worse off in a month if she still decide's to end it?


She's already started dating.

_Someone else._
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Would love an update.


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## poida

Hi Confusee, 

Your story reads a lot like mine and the same people are here giving the same advice. I mean it's the right advice but I remember it had little impact for me initially. Read my post "Over her cheating but now she "needs space" ".

I'm trying to think of the best way to make this really simple for you and 3 years down the road, re-married and very happy, here's what it boiled down to for me;

Selfish people cheat and selfish people are not capable of maintaining a selfless approach to a marriage. As some have said on this thread, a successful marriage requires a selfless attitude. Your litmus test here is the way your wife handles difficult issues in your marriage, and whether she has even REALLY listened to your needs. If when you try to work through something that concerns you and it ends up in an argument where it ends up being about HER, then you have a woman not capable of a selfless marriage. In that case, my advice is to hand over divorce papers ASAP. Even if you managed to break off the affair, she is not capable of providing true R in your marriage to allow you to move forward and grow. Unless she is grovelling at your feet, it's over. Try to accept that.

Personally, after all I have been through, if your wife reads as above, little of the advice being given to you in this forum matters. Simply know that it is over and everything you do from here on in is for your well-being.

If I'm right - and I'm betting my left nut that I am;

1. Issue divorce papers immediately.
2. Some to a financial settlement and act on it immediately.
3. Start exercising and keep at it.
4. Counselling. Lots and lots of counselling. This is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and what will make you happy.
5. For goodness sakes, DON'T make my mistake and start dating. Hook ups are fine but no relationships. You won't be ready to open your heart for at least 2 years and you will only hurt people.
6. Read above again. Seriously, you might think you are ready at 6 months, 1 year etc BUT YOU ARE NOT. It takes a long time. Use it for yourself.
7. Know that pretty much everything she says now is a lie or diminished truth. Do not trust her.

If your wife if grovelling for forgiveness, you might have something to work with - If she can sustain it and be totally honest. In that case, the 180 is probably your best starting point and listen to the advice here. Most of it is good. Turnera in particular was spot on every time for me.

Good luck and PM me if I can help, and I'm sure I can.


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## SunCMars

turnera said:


> Would love an update.


 @Confusee 

We can help you through this mess. You are not alone. What is going on?


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## ABHale

Tell her to "go find yourself and don't let the door hit you in the azz as you leave." 

Do not chase after her. 

Do not let her live in the same place as you as she finds herself/cheats. Make her leave. 

Tell both of your families and friends what is going on. 

File for divorce. 

Playing hard ball is going to be the only thing to snap her out of this. Or prove she doesn't give a chit about you. 

By the way, she is cheating on you.


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## niceguy28

Where's your self respect. Do you have children? If not there is no reason to put up with this. Tell her to go and find yourself somebody else. I don't understand for the life of me why the men on this site give their wives so much power and control over them. That is the reason they do what they do in the first place. They know their poor sap of a husband won't kick their behinds to the curve. If she needs to find herself let her go find herself on her own.


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## Lostinthought61

@Confusee how are things going?


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## 3kgtmitsu

It was hard reading this thread.

You can sit here and debate what you should or shouldn't do, but bottom line she is in the wrong, your not. People do wrong things, and then scramble to figure out a way to make themselves feel better about it. I personally would kick her to the curb, but that's easier said than done when your in an emotionally charged situation. But what I can tell you, is go AGAINST what your gut tells you to do. No matter how bad you want her back, or how much you want to fix it, the single best thing you can do is act as if you are just flat out done with her and prepared to move on. The more you try to win her back, your just giving her more ammunition to continue her behavior.

I do believe that people can make mistakes in a marriage and bounce back, the 180 like people talk about REALLY makes your W face reality that she screwed up and the relationship is done and if she truly cares and wants to make it work, its going to be a LOT of proving on her part. And you need to be prepared for the fact that it may or may not work, but the whole point is to walk away with some dignity. Look at it like if you were in business with someone and they screwed you over, would you continue to do business with them? Of course not! But since there are emotions involved, its hard to approach it with logic. 

Surround yourself with people who support you, and bring something positive into your life. It will be hard at first, but time heals all.


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## 3kgtmitsu

niceguy28 said:


> Where's your self respect. Do you have children? If not there is no reason to put up with this. Tell her to go and find yourself somebody else. I don't understand for the life of me why the men on this site give their wives so much power and control over them. That is the reason they do what they do in the first place. They know their poor sap of a husband won't kick their behinds to the curve. If she needs to find herself let her go find herself on her own.


That's because it goes against logic. Its easier to blame yourself and try to fix the problem by chasing it, which is our nature as men. I think once you start to understand the psychology at play, you can then start to learn how to at the very least keep yourself out of that situation. Love and heartache can really turn the toughest guy into a total sap sometimes, its an easy pit to fall into that can eat you alive.


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