# In Loveless marriage of 3 yrs, Now in love with another woman.



## brownguy (Nov 8, 2013)

Well i am new here - and here is my story which i would love some advice or input on I am 38 and have been married for 3 years and have a son of 2 yrs of age with my wife. for the last 2 years (after he was born) my wife has not really paid attention to me, and everything to my son (which i understand) but now 2 yrs later and nothing has changed after numerous serious conversations. I feel alone, and not loved, close to no sex or intimacy etc... She is always tired to do anything with me, but never for him (even if i do everything with chores etc, plan a evening out - still doesnt want to, or never looking forward to it) . I have told her numerous times, also did our marriage counsellor that she needs to be a mom and a wife, and she still have not budged much. As well to add to this, she has a major anger management problem - which does not help, which she never apologizes for as well. Its just crazy at times - where she is yelling at me, and i stay calm and talk. (i am a talker - she is not which is another whole issue) - there are a lot of issues let just say. She has never really been affectionate or attentive to me, but now its out of control. 

So what has happened of late, in the last 3 months i have become close to a female co-worker who is going through a divorce. We have been friends for a year (before her divorce) and now she is going through a divorce and we have been there for eachother, and one thing led to the next and we have fallen in love with eachother. We have gone out for nice dinners, shopping, day road trips, she has done very nice thoughtful things for me (which no one has done for me) as well me for her.. etc. (your also probably wondering how i get to go out with my wife not wondering, she doesn't really care I go out thats the other thing! ) Anyways this woman she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met (brilliant, beautiful and just fun to be with). Her and i just CLICK. She also has a young daughter as well. I know people may say its just lust, or cause its new - but i know this is different. But as of recent she said she cannot continue this, cause she is going through a tough time with the divorce, and cant be in a relationship now - which i can understand (since i a technically still married by law only), but she doesnt want to lose me out of her life and wants to remain friends. But it does leave me a heart broken, as i feel lost. I have had divorce on my mind, and there is a high chance i would leave my wife for her just cause i feel like i am not appreciated where im at right now and of course many other reasons - and with her i would be very happy, have a sister for my son, and live life happy with someone who shows they love me. 

*How do i stay friends with someone i love? 

Do I remain her friend until her situation changes so i dont lose her? or forget her? 

Do i stay in my un-loved marriage so i dont break up our family?*

*CONFUSED BROWN GUY*


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## brownguy (Nov 8, 2013)

no advice or suggestions from anyone? was hoping people here could help out some how.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

*How do i stay friends with someone i love?*

you can't and besides, I don't think you are really in love, just starving for affection and right now you are in the dopamine fog that is why you think you are in love.

but as long as you keep seeing this woman on daily basis the fog will remain.

*Do I remain her friend until her situation changes so i dont lose her? or forget her?*

no you should not remain friends and you should not even work at the same place anymore, let me tell you any kind of relationship you could had with this woman, you both ruined it with the affair.

If you were that unhappy you should have divorced first, let me tell you something, less than 5% of the relationships that begin as an affair survive and this statistics have a really simple logic

A relantionship that begin as an affair have poor or non foundations:

- you have been married for 3 years and with a baby boy how can she trust you will not have and affair with some else in the future.
- She is a woman willing to have a relationship with a married man, how you know she will not do it again
- your family a friends will put a scarlet letter in both of you for destroying your marriage, and nay new people you met will judge the both of you without a second thought, making your social life and your kids (yours and hers) really difficult
- your son will hate your OW all his life, as you left her mother for the OW.

you may think that your "love" can overcome this, but the truth is that it can't (again i don't even think you are in love with her).

*Do i stay in my un-loved marriage so i dont break up our family?*

you should not stay in a loveless marriage, however I have hear of cases like yours, with the proper help you can begin to have a loving relationship, you can begin being honest with her about all (including the affair).

*"your also probably wondering how i get to go out with my wife not wondering, she doesn't really care I go out thats the other thing!"
*

If she dont care why did you not simply proposed an open mmariage, or told her before cheating that you were gonna look intimacy in other place. Easy because you know she will care.

tell her and when you see how she end devasted with the news of your affair you will see if she cared for you or not (we have had many WS like you that claims the same), if I am wrong then decission is easy just divorce her.

BTW betrayed spouses are not stupid, if your aptitude changed that much she surely noticed it, and maybe suspects it, but people sometimes prefer to live in denial instead on confront paunful situations.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

If you are unhappy with your wife and marriage then you need to leave it. 

How is wining and dining another woman helping your dissolving marriage? Its not. 

I think you owe it to your wife to tell her the absolute truth. That you had a physical and emotional affair with another woman. That you were happier giving your time and attention to this other woman, and receiving attention from her. 

She will most likely be angry. Divorce is not easy, as anyone who has ever been there will tell you. Be prepared for child support payments and uneasy custody arrangements. Also be prepared for the fallout from your son, who will look at you as the man who left his mother for another woman.

IMHO - your life is about to get so much harder. Even if you do end up with this OW, then you will have to deal with two sets of ex's, two children who are dealing from divorce.


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

*How do i stay friends with someone i love? 

I think you can do it. Just be friends until both of you get settled in your situations

Do I remain her friend until her situation changes so i dont lose her? or forget her? 

Well If you can forget her then obviously you are not in love with her. I would remain friends. Why would you not be friends. Maybe not as close but friends at least

Do i stay in my un-loved marriage so i dont break up our family?*

Absolutely not. 

*CONFUSED BROWN GUY*[/QUOTE]


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

49crash said:


> *How do i stay friends with someone i love?
> 
> I think you can do it. Just be friends until both of you get settled in your situations
> 
> ...


[/QUOTE]


I guess you are a teeneger or someone very very ignorant about affairs.

your answers lack of fundament or even a logic background.


*I think you can do it. Just be friends until both of you get settled in your situations
*

wrong affair partners can not be just friends, they love the thrill of engaging an illicit act, they got jealous of each other affecting their daily life, they detach even more from their spouses. it make even harder to break from the fog, and most of the time they were not friends to begin with, they have sexual attraction from the begining.


*Well If you can forget her then obviously you are not in love with her. I would remain friends. Why would you not be friends. Maybe not as close but friends at least*


this is why I ask if you are a teeneger, there is no such thing as a unique love that you can't forget, and even I gave up that point and accept that maybe exist that kind of love (disney love) I doubt that just by dating for 3 months this coworker he found she is the love of his live.


*Absolutely not.*

anyone who has read about reconciliations know that feelings change, but under certain circunstances is worth to try to save a marriage.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

First of all, I really liked your post because it is a realistic example of a person getting involved in an emotional affair and making selfish excuses for the reason they feel their spouse no longer "gets them".

Second, do you realize how much you are endangering your marriage? 

Third, thank you for being honest.

*How do i stay friends with someone i love?* 
You are still married, even if you do love her you owe your wife and child to stay faithful. You cannot be friends with this other woman. You must first fix your marriage or divorce your wife. It is not fair for your wife to live with someone who no longer loves her.

*Do I remain her friend until her situation changes so i dont lose her? or forget her?* 
If you truly love her, why are you afraid of losing her or forgetting her??? DO you see how this contradicts your feelings of love? When a person truly loves someone, time and space is irrelevant. Perhaps you are afraid that the other woman will in fact not love you and is only using you to get the ego boost she needs to leave her marriage. You both are wrong on so many levels, take a deep look at yourself and recognize this please.

*Do i stay in my un-loved marriage so i dont break up our family?*
We cannot tell you what to do. We can only give advice. You should not leave your wife without at least giving it your all to fix your marriage. You can fix your marriage. There are a lot of resources to do this. Marriage is sacred. Try counseling. You almost sound as if you are a bit jealous of all the attention your son is getting from your wife. Why is this?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Leave your wife. That's step one. The way you've been treated she deserves to be dumped, and it's the right thing to do anyway. After that you can feel free to remain friends with the ow. Just don't expect anything lasting to come of it. Soon enough real life will wipe the shine off the new relationship and it will end.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I should print it and keep it somewhere, in case H and I eventually decide to have children. This is exactly the kind of wife I do NOT want to become if ever a mother. This situation is the very reason of my fear.

Your wife was surely wrong to neglect you to such extent. I assume your sexual life also sucked as well as the emotional needs being unfulfilled.

I'm not gonna applaud you for the affair, as I find you both did wrong. You should come clean with your wife. 
It appears that she barely knows you're there anyway. Afterwards, you're free to be friends with whoever you want. 
What is the point for you to live a loveless life, and what is the point for her to be married to a man in love with another woman?

But what if she wants to work on the M? Would you be willing to consider it?


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## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

Dude, you are cheating and trying to justify it.

If you marriage is bad, you either divorce or fix it. Cheating solves nothing.

Pick one and commit: divorce or fix. But why would you want to do something so immoral and disrespectful to your wife and yourself as to cheat. And what does it say about your affair partner that she would be willing to become involved with a married man? What kind of a catch is that? And what kind of woman (or man) settles for a married man (or woman)? Um, one with no self-respect. Not a good prospect.

Divorce or fix it. Dating is for single folks and you are not.

Edited because I just saw that you have a child. Do you realize that lots of marriages go through a tough time the first few years after a child? Babies and toddlers take an enormous amount of time and energy and focus. Are you helping? Or are you just waiting to text your affair partner and letting your wife do all of the work? Who is taking care of your home and your child when you are having the nice dinners and day trips with your affair partner?

Do you help all the time or just when you want sex? If you are not pulling your weight in the marriage, sweeping the floor and doing the dishes one night is not going to make much of an impact.

Really look at your part in this. Why did you marry? When did it go wrong? What is your wife yelling about - ignore the yelling and try to hear her. She's yelling because she feels like you are not listening and she's not getting through to you. Are you hearing what she needs and trying to respond? Or do you just schedule another nice day trip with your affair partner and leave?

And what about your son? Who is sitting around the dinner table with him when you are having dinner with your affair partner? Who is playing with him and changing his diaper and potty training him while you are on your day trips with your affair partner? Who is loving him?

Do you really want to destroy his world because it makes you feel good to cheat?

You need to go to the "Coping with Infidelity" section here and read. Read about what you are doing. Read about what you will do to your wife. Read about what you will do to your son. Your actions now, your cheating, will change him forever. And not in a good way.

Whatever you do, end the affair now. It's no good for anyone, including you. Come clean to your wife and decide whether to say or go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Is your wife a SAHM?

Does she suffer depression?

Tell OW she was right to put your adultery in the bin. Don't date her until you file for D and separate

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

You can't keep in with the affair because you are going to bring in the same problems that led to you cheating in the first place. 

Its probably communication and resentment. You'll divorce and move in with this woman and in 1-2 years the same problems will surface because you've done nothing to work on yourself.

Trust me when I tell you this. Right now you are high as a kite on chemicals flowing through your blood stream. Years and years of neglect all flowing out and positive affirmation and great sex! 

It all feels good, but if you stepped away a bit and saw it for what it was you would not feel the same way.


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## brownguy (Nov 8, 2013)

*ok WOW - thank you everyone for taking the time to write your thoughts. *

OVerall i know i did something VERY wrong, and nothing will ever correct that. I have never cheated on any relationship before - but i have been doing everything to make this work and its like she doesnt want to try - she is happy with this marriage as is, which made me alone - and yes fall into someone elses arms -- The main issue i have is that i was completely lied to when we got married - we had a long distance relationship for 2 years - and the person she SOLD me on, is not the person that walked in the door after we got married. She did everything to impress me, got me, and then changed (even before our son) - then after our son she just deglected me as a husband or partner. (after we got married her friends said WOW SHE CHANGED SO MUCH WHEN YOU GUYS WERE DATING - this was kinda of a red flag to me, but i ignored it. We all change a little to impress the other person, but this was a complete flip)

The other woman and I are trying the FRIENDS thing, but yes it is hard (more for me i feel - cause YES i do love her. Is it a daze of NEW LOVE? i dont think so, cause we genuinely get along, have goals in life of the same nature and many other connections, we have had the same issues in our past relationship etc. So i feel its more than that (even other who see us together comment that we would make a good couple, i know that has no real merit but still)

I have been praying for guidance, and trying to find out what I really want on a personal level - and what is even possible to be had. I dont want to drag this on, as I cannot take the stress and heart ache, as well not fair to anyone in this, especially my wife regardless of how bad she is to me. 

I know i sound like a bad guy -but im really not. I just want to be in a loving relationship nothing more..- thats is.


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## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

Hey Brownguy stop beating yourself up. Nobody is perfect and stop trying to hold yourself to that standard.

You've been a good man to stick around as long as you have and put up with what you have. Consider this as well.....you may have some self esteem issues that need to be addressed. Reason I say this is that if there was a "bait and switch" only a doormat would put up with that or someone who felt that was the best that they deserved. 

I say that in the best way from one guy to another. As for the affair try this. Do an overnight or a 1-2 day deal if you can swing it. Hang out with this person without sex and see how you two get along normally. Or even better, show up at her door with a basket full of laundry and say, "get to work". See how it feels to do normal married things with her.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

brownguy said:


> I have been praying for guidance, and trying to find out what I really want on a personal level - and what is even possible to be had. I dont want to drag this on, as I cannot take the stress and heart ache, as well not fair to anyone in this, especially my wife regardless of how bad she is to me.
> 
> I know i sound like a bad guy -but im really not. I just want to be in a loving relationship nothing more..- thats is.


Okey, you have to accept that cheating just after 3 years in the marriage don't sound like something a good person will do.

if everything you say is true and you are as unhappy as you said, is time to be honest with your wife, sit with her explain her your current feelings and the fact you can not stay married under the circuanstaces you are living, explain with detail all, and also hear what she has to say (I bet she have some complains too), If in that moment both of you decide to divorce then I will suggest to not diclose your affair (after all you are not divorcing for the affair, or to be with the other woman, but becuase the marriage failed), disclosing it will just hurt her and knowing it happnened is no useful at all.

In the other hand if you agree that you will try to save the marriage, then there is no excuse, she have the right to know that you cheated, you have to give her the option to decide if in spite of that she considers that the marriage is worth saving.


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## wabert (Oct 15, 2013)

i m not a councilor or been on here enough to reach any status except registered member, I m battleling through a 35 yr marriage that was physically loveless for 25 yrs, stepped over the line with my love of my life, confessed, and now my wife is trying to make up for the 25 yrs of denial, I m in love with the OW deeply, the history with the OW is deep. my wife misled me before we married or I would be married to the OW. this info is so you can judge what I m fixing to say, if you desribed your marrage sincerly, RUN, the talk of your kids hateing you is off base to me, raising a child in a loving home means more than staying in an unhappy marriage that they will see. that will affect them more than having a step mom.An open marriage I don t even consider for that reason.and you can t love 2 women enough to be fair to both, crazy option.if she can t change, don t battle it, I regret not leaving yrs ago when my wife acknowkleged she knew i was un fulfilled and now she is, hard to swallow.


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## wabert (Oct 15, 2013)

Sudra said:


> Dude, you are cheating and trying to justify it.
> 
> If you marriage is bad, you either divorce or fix it. Cheating solves nothing.
> 
> ...


i think most of this is off base, not right to cheat, lord doesn t like divorce either, you ll do more harm to your son if he sees a marriage that isn t a real marriage. A loving home to raise children in should be your priority in my humble opinion


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