# Going through painful seperation



## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

I separated from my wife in early December. I left the house because there was a lot of friction between us and I wanted to avoid our relationship from getting worse. We have 3 children 2 boys from previous marriages and 1 girls between her and me. The bottom line for our separation is financial and of neglect. We lost our business in Nov. of 2009 after 3 very hard years of trying to keep the business running. I went into depression trying to keep the business running that I neglected my household. I never cheated on my wife or was abusive. I am not a drug addict or alcoholic, ran around with my friends, gambler, or robbed people from there money. I just quit on her. I didn't help her. She told me that it would be good to separate, but wants nothing to do with me. 

This is the current situation. She doesn't want divorce, wants me and her to get together with our daughter and do family outings. She changed the locks on the door. I have my things at home and she hasn't asked me to remove them. Our wedding photos are removed but pictures of me and her are still up. I can go visit my daughter when I please. She is friendly towards me. I AM VERY CONFUSED!!!! 

She is focused on take care of our financial problems, and so am I. But I am going thru deep depression at the moment and I am finding it hard to give her space when she wants us to do things together. I really miss her. What can I do to save my marriage?


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Welcome to the board carlosh. No matter how many stories I read, it is incredible as to how much that they are the same. I can also relate to your situation. My wife left (I talk about it in my thread: Newly Separated... Again!) me in December. She wanted our wedding photos, photos of her and I together, and anything else that was sentimental concerning our time together. I don't understand it... but it is what it is.

You haven't done anything wrong. You've fought to protect your family's welfare, keep a roof over their heads, and food on the table. We tend to blame ourselves for the things that we've done right. I guess that it is all a part of the process. The unfortunate thing is that these things happen. No matter how much we play by the rules... we can still end up losing everything.

2009 was a tough year for many small business owners. Let's be honest, 2009 was just a really rough year! You had to make a choice and a choice that was by no means an easy one. Yet, you've made the tough decision. It was a 50/50 gamble and you've rolled the dice. I commend you... we commend you. 

My wife doesn't want a divorce either. So I can greatly understand your confusion and the feeling of being in limbo. The loneliness sets in and the confusion increases. You start to second guess everything and you may start to beg a little for her to come back or give you another chance... because this time... everything is going to be different. Trust me, I can feel and relate to your pain.

What you need to do is to hold your head high. Spend time with your children and take things one day at a time. As hard as it is going to be (and it will be hard!), give her the space. If you don't, then things will go south faster than you can imagine. People like us don't have too many choices here. The cards that we have been given are pretty crappy and the dealer isn't allowing us to trade in anything for a better hand.

For the time being, she has the power. But that doesn't mean that we are weak. Time is on our side and we have to hold onto that hope. Really read over some of the other posts that are here. Read the replies and hopefully you will find some strength in the words.

You're not alone. I hope the best for you.


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## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

Thank you very much for replying to my post. I have been very close to my daughter and at the same time helping my wife in getting us out of the financial mess we are in. I keep reassuring her that I will not let her down and that I will find whatever means necessary to get us out of this mess. 

I am currently looking for a good marriage counselor in the Los Angeles area. I want to start going to marriage counseling so that I can begin on making all the changes in me to make our marriage work. I am 100% committed to changing for the better of me, my children and my wife without any hesitation. I full understand my mistakes and will do whatever it takes to change them. 

I am giving her space so that she takes the time to see me change and at the same time give her time to let the anger subside which will result in a more opened minded person. 

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond to me. God Bless you.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

No matter what, don't do counseling or therapy for anyone other than you! Everything else will fall into place. You might be able to get things worked out, and you might not be able to. But at least you are getting yourself where you need to be.

It's also wonderful when your spouse wants to share in this counseling with you. It's going to take two in order to make "one". 

I sincerely hope and wish the best for you. Please keep us posted on what is going on.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What lovely advice from DS - 
life is just so tough sometimes 
hang in there 
it is great that she is focussed on sorting out financial problems 
you need to do this no matter what the outcome
in some ways it is confusing - but your wife is also acting relatively rationally comapred to some!
at least she seems to know what she wants from you etc
maybe it is not what you want at the moment
but if you can 'go with the flow' - and in the meantime work towards getting on top of that depression - and I'd recommend counselling, medication (if your doctor advises) and lots and lots of exercise and funny dvds -
like DS says keep posting 
the only thing I find weird in your story is that she changed the locks - maybe that is her anger ?


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## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's been about a month and a half since our separation and things are not as bad as I had thought. I feel that there is a chance at getting back with my wife but it is going to take time and time is all I have. She lets me spend as much time with my daughter as I like and from time to time I spend time at the house with my daughter and we even get to do things together (going to park to do biking). There are times when she gives me food to take with me. 

My game plan is as follows:
- Be nice. Don't give her any reason to be mad at me.
- Give her space. 
- Be the best father that I can be to our daughter and be as involved as much as possible.
- Accessible, Make myself as accessible to her to show that I can be counted on.
- Don't get "Girlish" on her. The last thing she wants right now is to talk about our relationship. 
- Don't listen to anything negative she throws at me. I have to remind myself that it is her anger that is speaking not heart.
- I have to be patient and give this time to work it's self out. I might take months, but I have no intention at all to look for another woman to replace my wife. 

At this moment, my clothes is still at home and she still has photos of me and her before we got married. She does not want me to announce to everyone (we are in the Real Estate business) of our separation. She wants it to be hush. She agrees that we must do things together when we go out with our daughter. She hasn't even mention the "D" word. The other day she apologized to me for being mean to me. She has a good heart and is not a spiteful person. 

These reasons give me hope to believe that there might be a chance at reconciliation. Also, forgot to mention, I gave her a pair of movie passes so she can go with her sister to the movies. I told her that she deserves the time off to relax and while she is out I will take care of our daughter. 

Hope I am doing the right thing, I am not hurting as much as before, but I do have some days that depression hits me but not as bad. I pray to God everyday.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think this actually sounds good.

No guarantee of course but I think you have hope out of all the stories I have heard her thusfar.

The only side note - the "changing of the locks." Legally (and you are in the RE business and would probably know this), she has no right to do this anything short of a restraining order on you, which wouldn't even make sense since you see the daughter.

It's your property. . .you could certainly fashion a good faith agreement about your habitation agreement but that was a bad faith gesture on her part. You have a right to access to the house, to inspect it, and maintain the premises, if you name is on the mortgage and deed.

Whether you want to take her to task on this is up to you.

Of course, consult with an attorney (you don't have to retain) - don't take my post as legal advice.

I actually have gone through some of that same issue and my attorney said pretty much I have a right to the house as long as I don't "create mischief" when I am there. . .just be polite, be with children and go about my business.

He did acknowledge though that she could try to get a restraining order, try, he said, and if, if he said, she got a real liberal female judge he knows, where the man is the "big bad bully", there could be a restraining order on me. . .but a strong case would have to be presented that I was disrupting the household and he thought it was like a 3% chance of it happening.

But like you, I haven't really taken my stb-x to task on it and she hasn't changed the locks so everything is cool in that regard - it's an uneasy truce.

Just letting you know your rights may be being violated.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

To follow-up on this post. . .just be aware if this doesn't work out, there is still a lot of gender bias in the legal system towards men still.

This is a great example (but not the only one - custody is still another one).

A man gets thrown out and locks changed - oh, he was probably a loser, beat his wife, cheated. . .serves him right. He can always find shelter, right? I mean, it's just like throwing a drunk out of a bar, no?

Throw this around and a man locks his wife out. . .well, that's just uncalled for. A woman needs shelter (and not a man), needs to be protected, cared for. . .you'd be spanked in court.

I am not saying this out of any resentment. . .I just got a great book on the gender bias still prevalent and as a man, you just need to tread more carefully within family law bounds and act accordingly.

Good luck. I hope you reconcile.


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## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

So far things are normal. I am not give my wife any reason to be upset with me. But I still go thru the day thinking of her. I am finding it very difficult to move on. I miss her and I need some good advise on how to move on and quit obsessing on her. 

The good thing is that we get along and she allows me in the house. Yesterday for example, she went out for a few hours to pick her son up. She left me at home alone with my daughter. Talk about trust. She took down the pictures of us in the living room but left a small picture that we took on our wedding day with our daughter. 

Maybe I still have hope, but I don't want to get disappointed if she does decide to move on. How can I prepare or better yet how can I move on. I really need help here.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

carlosh said:


> So far things are normal. I am not give my wife any reason to be upset with me. But I still go thru the day thinking of her. I am finding it very difficult to move on. I miss her and I need some good advise on how to move on and quit obsessing on her.
> 
> The good thing is that we get along and she allows me in the house. Yesterday for example, she went out for a few hours to pick her son up. She left me at home alone with my daughter. Talk about trust. She took down the pictures of us in the living room but left a small picture that we took on our wedding day with our daughter.
> 
> Maybe I still have hope, but I don't want to get disappointed if she does decide to move on. How can I prepare or better yet how can I move on. I really need help here.



Hi Carlosh

To me it does not sound like you have to prepare yourself to move on just yet. What I have read from you sound like good signs. I did not have any of the things that you have when my wife left so all my signs were bad. My advice is to keep doing what you are doing, visit, take it slow, and keep the peace. The only thing that I would add to it is maybe you should find some time for yourself. One thing I wish I could have done differently was not to give my wife all the power, not to say that you should have power struggles with your wife. Just that if she see's that you are doing things for yourself she might feel like she needs to be closer. Just a thought, hang in there, it sounds like it is going well..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm confused. Why did you agree to separate? What was SHE unhappy about?


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## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

Sportsman, thank you for your encouraging words. 

Turnera, we separated for several reasons.

- We lost our business that we had for 3 very hard years.
- I went into depression and neglected my wife. We both have something to with this but I will take most of the blame. 
- She got fed up and when I left the house she told me not to come back, that she is moving on with her life. 
- It mainly is because I didn't cherish her and took her for granted. I never cheated on her or abused her. 

But this is one thing I don't understand, about two weeks before our separation she went to a convention in Las Vegas. She came back very different. I know for a fact that nothing happened over there because I have friends who were there and they saw her behaving very professional. But on the way home a friend of mind hitch a ride with them and my wife was telling the girls what a wonderful relationship we have and how much she loves me. My friend told me that she even got jealous at how beautiful she painted our relationship. Two weeks later we separated. 

She confirmed three times since our separation that she is moving on. But with the things that I explained in my other post I don't know if she is being nice to keep the peace. My friends say that she could be doing this just to teach me a lesson and to see if I change. I still think she loves me but has 
a lot anger and resentment in her that she needs time to her self. Her actions speak louder than her words.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you, I'd be pushing to move back in. If you're amicable, what's the problem? You can't fix the marriage if you live apart.


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## carlosh (Jan 5, 2010)

I tried several times and got rejected. I feel that if I continue to ask it will only push her away. She had her sister move in with her boyfriend to make ends meet. So as of now things are good between us but I have expressed to her that I love her and will never stop loving her. From time to time I send her text messages wishing her "good Luck" although I want to tell her that I "miss her" I am just afraid to push her away.


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