# Advice Please, am I unreasonable?



## Callmebruce (Oct 30, 2012)

I've been brought up in a very strict family where family comes first.
I'm 35 and been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. Since before we got married, on several occasions I overheard my wife saying that she's having fantasies about some of my friends and about having sex with them. This completely cut me down at the knees, felt so betrayed and took me a long time to get it out of my mind, over the years things were busy with kids and work and forgetting about the marriage.
We've alway told each other that we love each other but we behaved like a retired couple, tired with the kids and work...
Recently, my cousin visited from overseas, she completely opened up to him an I've never seen her like this before, it was great, like we were alive again, we went around the country together n spend many weeks together.
He then returned and all was good till she started getting obsessed with him, constant messaging, I love you, I miss you, I really want you to come back, you don't understand how much i care about you, etc...
It felt like it was getting a little out if hand an I asked her to "tone it down" a little bit.
She said she didn't realise it was effecting me and she said she will stop.
After a while, I still suspected something was going on and I checked her messages (I know it's wrong and untrusting and all that), anyway, I was right, the messages kept going, when I confronted her about them, she had deleted them and lied about them ever being there... She obviously deleted them because she knew they were inappropriate, then she denied ever writing them.
Since then, I've got a real big problem with trust.
Almost a year has passed and I still can't look at her the same way.
Recently, I suspected some more "texting" was going on so I checked again (I know, I know but when you smell a rat, there usually is one).
She writes to him about our problems but tells him that what they talk about is none of my business and I don't need to know so she doesn't tell me.
My cousin is caught in the middle, I can understand his position and I told him not to worry.
But inside I'm being torn, am I being unreasonable in expecting some loyalty?
She tells me I'm her #1 and best friend and she can tell me anything but she tells him that what they talk about is none of my business. Even after detailing everything in our own relationship.
I don't mind my cousin knowing, we haven't been close because we're on opposite sides of the world, but I do feel very close to him.
She's always been undermining me and putting me down in public, which is something that I don't deal we'll with, and why should I?
I find this lack of loyalty to be too much to get over.
I had a lot of close girl friends that I lost contact with once we got married and recently getting in contact with to prove to myself that what she's doing is OK. It doesn't feel right to me and I feel guilty for even talking to them. I can't she how my wife doesn't understand how I feel.

Is it ok?
Is it still ok, even though she knows how I feel about it?
Am I being a paranoid freak?
Be honest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is having at least an emotional affair. There is a chance that it's also been physical when he was around.

You are not controlling or parnoid. You have every right to tell her to either end her contact with him now or you are filing for divorce. 

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" By Dr Harley. You need a lot of support in this as you are not reacting in a 'normal' manner. What I mean by that is that you seem almost like you are afraid to stand up for your rights as a husband.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Woman's opinion please*

no it's not ok, it's completely inappropriate - she told another man she loved him, wtf???

your cousin is NOT 'caught in the middle' - he should have nipped it in the bud straight away, what the hell does he think he's doing even responding to her?

your wife is making it even worse by fantasising and talking about other men who are close to you - friends and family members. Doesn't sound like she has any respect for you at all all things considered. Time to make a decision my friend - put your damn foot down and tell her to stop or it's over

yes marriage should be the most important thing but only when it's both of you who think so....


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## Callmebruce (Oct 30, 2012)

*Re: Woman's opinion please*

Hi Dollystanford
Thanks for the advice.
In her defence, she has never been very social and I don't think she really knows how to act in public. I understand this is a way of getting attention.
When i get ready to leave, she says, I'm so sorry, I have ruined everything, I love you.
The problem is that I do live her (maybe I'm just used to her)
We are completely opposite in everything, there is 0% in common.
How many chances do you give?
I'm against telling her to stop because i think this is a decision for her.
Kind of like telling someone "please stop cheating, it's hurting me"
I think it's something she should understand on her own.
People say communication is most important in a relationship, but I think it's respect and loyalty.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

She sounds very social to me, and either has no concept of personal boundaries or has been seeking a connection with someone, anyone, for emotional closeness. 

Your cousin isn't at all innocent in this. Respect and loyalty you said, how is he showing either of them by dallying with your wife? 

Doesn't sound like there is much if any intimacy between you & your wife. Work on that, stat. Kick the cousin in the teeth and tell him to go find his own wife.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

ok fine don't 'tell' her to stop
but you need to lay out the consequences if she doesn't, because at the moment there aren't any. That should make her understand pretty quickly - don't be passive in this, you'll regret it


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She wants to cheat with you cousin & probably talking trash about you & your marriage. She's also a liar. You need to get tough with her if you want to save your marriage. Go read the CWI forum to get advice on how to proceed.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I'm against telling her to stop because i think this is a decision for her.
> Kind of like telling someone "please stop cheating, it's hurting me"


Or you can SAY NOTHING (which is what YOU'RE DOING) and she justifies it in her own head by saying "it's okay with him, he's never complained!"

Failing to stand up for your most basic rights/needs is NOT PROOF of strength (I'm an adult; I KNOW how to act; she should know how to act, too; I'm above pettiness and b1tching) it is GUTLESSNESS in the face of disrespect.

If you were in a men's room and someone at the next urinal turned and did his business on your pant leg, would you just MOVE OVER to another urinal and ignore his behavior? I HOPE you would say "OF COURSE NOT". That is what is happening here (metaphorically speaking) to your relationship with your wife.

If your answer was, "Yes I would, I'm not going to sink to his level" then NOTHING WE CAN SAY here at TAM is going to help you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Or you can SAY NOTHING (which is what YOU'RE DOING) and she justifies it in her own head by saying "it's okay with him, he's never complained!"
> 
> Failing to stand up for your most basic rights/needs is NOT PROOF of strength (I'm an adult; I KNOW how to act; she should know how to act, too; I'm above pettiness and b1tching) it is GUTLESSNESS in the face of disrespect.
> 
> ...


It's the rationalization hamster!


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## Callmebruce (Oct 30, 2012)

Cheers Guys!
Exactly what I through, I've been fed this rubbish about getting too paranoid and possessive and started to think I was over exegarating.
Posted this in few forums and got exactly the same response


@WorkingOnMe: No, I dont like people pissing on my shoes :smthumbup:

@Dollystanford: Don't be passive - Spot On!!!, she knows how it makes me feel so it's already past the point of asking, going on too long.

@LastUnicorn: Think she feels I'm too good for her or some rubbish like that so she has to cut me down, she's not very social at all, but tries to be accepted by flirting around, she never does it with strangers, just with my friends, maybe she knows she wont be rejected that way because everyone tries to be polite. She doesn't understand that I could have given her everything if she just opened up to me.

thanks again Guys ! :iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a copy of not just friends by Shirley Glass.

Your wife is clearly in an emotional affair with the cousin.

She is very wrong in continuing her talking with him and hiding it from you. I woud talk to the cousin and I would be telling him to stop participating. He isn't caught in the middle, he is an active participant.


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