# Am I paranoid?



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

If you read any of my previous post you know my story. Things are getting better with my wife and I and it is great. Now, I have a new problem.....was there someone else? I don't think that there was, but my mind just keeps f'ing with me. I am paranoid all the time about everything and it is not helping my cause here. She has been very secret and not very open with me about her reasons for wanting to leave, other than I was an ahole. I wish she would just spill her guts about everything and get it over with so we can move forward. Things have been great, but there are a lot of things that we have not talked about. It seems to me that they need to be discussed not just pushed to the back of her mind. If I make her mad she will give me some new bit of info and we move a little bit forward. I also found out that she recently spoke to her ex boyfriend and deleted the message, when I asked her about it she said she didn't then later she slipped and told me she did (short version of the story). I love this woman and I do not want to make things worse. What am I to do? The one little lie has freaked me out....is there more lies out there?......worse ones? I don't know and it is killing me. My worst fear is the unknown.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do you see what you are doing? You are turning things back on her. You really need to get some counseling. You were MEAN to her--and her only real mistake was in letting you get away with it as long as you did. 

Why are you suprised if she acts secretive? She has absolutely no reason to trust you with ANYTHING, because in her experience, you will punish her for everything and nothing, so being secretiv is a natural defense. And, ask yourself this: if there was someone else, and she has walked away from that to give you one more chance, do you really want to F*CK things up? You had betrayed her trust in you by being mean, over and over. Maybe she needed to know she was worth being treated nicely. Wrong, maybe, in a married person, but are you in any position to judge her? Let it go. Focusing on what she may have done wrong is totally counter-productive. Focus on being the best man you can be, a man she can trust with her heart and mental health, a man she would never think of leaving. The past is old news. Today is here. Start focusing on what really matters, now. Good luck!


----------



## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> Things are getting better





sorry4everything said:


> it is great





sorry4everything said:


> Things have been great.


 



sorry4everything said:


> but my mind just keeps f'ing with me.


As harsh as this may sound, you are choosing to let your mind mess with you. Why? I can only guess right now but I would say it's easier for you to keep making her mad to get info out of her and let the wound stay fresh and keep having to endure the pain of hearing the little details... than it is for you to take a chance on being hurt again.

You really only have a couple of options here if you want the marriage to work, let it go and move on, or drag this out to it's completion and THEN let it go and move on. But keep in mind things may not be so "great" by the time that happens.
Please also keep in mind you are not the only one in the middle of a healing process, no matter who's fault it was.

I won't say it's easy, some people never get over it, but it is possible to let it go and end up having a long, happy marriage.




sorry4everything said:


> Now, I have a new problem.....was there someone else? I don't think that there was


You might wanna go with your gut instinct, it's often right. Whatever you do, try and make a decision you can live with, stick to it, and go get it done as fast as you can. The sooner the wound closes the sooner you both can truly move on.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let her know that the worst fear is the unknown, and you are not healing. Healing is a big part of forgiveness, so secrecy is not helping you and the marraige. To move on you need to heal and you total discloser with what she is currently doing.

What I mean is, for me to heal at day one, I had;

1) my wife needed to be fourthcoming and very open about what she is doing now. Phone calls, receipts, pass words, more phone calls, pay stubs, and more phone calls. I had to be reassured that she was were she said she was all the time. No more girls night out, no late night rescues.
I needed her to be with me or work.

This type of sh*t doesn't have to last for ever, you will gett your security back with time ( 10 months into confronting, she finaly went out with a friend, will see what time see gets home) (malls close at 10 and she better have shopping bagges under her arms)

2) The details of her cheating had to be discussed. My imagination was our worst enemy in getting our marriage back. Im thinking the worst, gang bangs orgies migets circus clowns. I wanted to now everything. This was important, I want to know how these guys charmed her, what made her decide which guy to pick, were they slept, what made one guy so much different then the rest. How they were in bed, and what made her drop a particular guy. 

It is very hard for her to talk, she begged not to leave, she promised not to use it against her, she knew it would hurt, she felt uncomfortable, she blocked out some very ughly ONS's, she was humiliated and ambarrest. All kind of thing went through her head, everything in her being told her not to talk about her affairs, but she understood it had to be done for me to move on. So she spilled her guts. But only 1/2 her guts maybe 3/4 I'm not expecting to get the hole trurth;-)


So when you ask your w details keep this in mind reassure her, tell her its interesting, that you want to learn from this and promise no anger or judgment. Approach it as......a matter of factly, you need to heal and this will help.


Take your time (it took us months before I had enough), ask one question in the AM and ask her to dicuss it in the PM, next day different question. This will give her time to do some soul searching and answer you the best she can. Do not have a high expectation, alot will be half truths, but as the days go by and you play your card right she will feel more comfortable giving you details. Just the other day she brought up one of her lovers like it was nothing. I just stayed cool and laughted with her.

Just remember, you love her and you just want to talk about ....question #1, then say nothing, let her talk, don't cridicise, dont judge, its all about the story she has to tell, its nothing about you, its about..... what made him a good kisser, or his smell.. what he wore. I do not know why I needed this info. I quess its my compettive nature to be better then the other guys.


Me, you and a punch of guys on this forum know WHY, no attention, worked to much, not around. out with the guys, blah blah blah. What I was searching for is.. hey if that guy can do it, so can I. If a stranger can get my W attention then I can to. I can be btter then them.

I learned alot, like flirting, white teeth, big arms, colegne, I mean after a while I stopped doing all the things I used to do when I was tring to get in her pants 19 years ago.

I quess my point is you need to now some of these details to get back to the spark. You need some details so you can except the fact that it was in a hotel, instead of the back of the bar/car or you slept with him 3 time, as compared to everyday and twice on Sunday.


If she can understand the point maybe she'll start talking.BE WARNED THE THINGS YOU MAY WANT TO KNOW, YOU MAT NOT WANT TO KNOW. thats why its good for both of you to take the time to ask a question, it will give you the day to deside if you really need to know that answer.

Good luck.


----------



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Turns out I am not crazy. An odd number kept turning up and so I really started looking. I looked at her email and found her little love letters with her and her bf. He is 15 years older than her and is on his second marriage. WTF! I love her, I really do. One of the messages that she sent was while I was home after we had sex, she told me she was tired and going to bed, really she was sending him messages about how much she missed him and wished he was with her to hold her and keep her warm. They swear it was just emotional and never physical, but how can I believe that? I am at a loss.........my heart says stay, you love her and my head says are you a f*@%ing retard? I don't know what to do and I am totally confused. I finally opened up to her and was doing everything I could to show her I loved her and this is how she repaid me. She got me to take the armor off my heart so she could stab me in it, this is why I protected my heart.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She screwed up and she needed to see/feel the consequences. So have you confronted her and has she commited to stopping all contact with OM or are you behond that point since she is continuing her affair? 

It sounds like she is still in the fog and certain steps need to be taken. You should not tolorate this behavior and remove her from the home, at the very least, expose her affair and make it as diffilcult to continue as possible. By informing not only her family but the OM's family as well. 

Do not make a big mistake by leaving the home, that is important. And dont forget to protect yourself finacialy. Cancel her cell, your internet service, and your joint credit cards. Pack her things and either take them to her parents or get one of those storage containers that get drop off in front of the house, or even bag them up and put them on the front porch.


----------



## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> She got me to take the armor off my heart so she could stab me in it


Replace the ''she''s with ''he''s. You did this to her every time you abused her in your marriage. I don't think it's a what-goes-around-comes-around situation, but it certainly is a symptom of the shaky foundations of your marriage, foundations that you were responsible for eroding over time. You both need to go into counselling and build from the ground up. if she loves you enough to set your past at the door, you do the same for her.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> Turns out I am not crazy. An odd number kept turning up and so I really started looking. I looked at her email and found her little love letters with her and her bf. He is 15 years older than her and is on his second marriage. WTF! I love her, I really do. One of the messages that she sent was while I was home after we had sex, she told me she was tired and going to bed, really she was sending him messages about how much she missed him and wished he was with her to hold her and keep her warm. They swear it was just emotional and never physical, but how can I believe that? I am at a loss.........my heart says stay, you love her and my head says are you a f*@%ing retard? I don't know what to do and I am totally confused. I finally opened up to her and was doing everything I could to show her I loved her and this is how she repaid me. She got me to take the armor off my heart so she could stab me in it, this is why I protected my heart.



You felt paranoid and now you know why. There is a reason for the feelings we have. We get them when the “logic” or the equation of what we’re taking in through body language, behaviour over time, words that are said etc. etc. just “don’t add up”. All that can make us feel as though we’re paranoid or going crazy in the head. In essence believe it or not your gut can make sense of it all and you should listen to what it’s telling you.

You are now getting the bulk standard MO of a cheating spouse. You’re crap, her marriage is crap, you never did anything right, you always did everything wrong. You don’t have any redeeming features whatsoever, there is absolutely nothing good about you whatsoever. All this is the standard MO of a cheating spouse. She deceives and lies, blames and denies, again all bulk standard MO of a cheating spouse.

Now you’ll take a stroll through this particular path through the forest, the stroll of the loyal spouse. Best to get yourself geared up with a guide along that particular path. If you want to save your marriage, I highly recommend Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce.

Bob


----------



## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

Please go back and read some of sorry4everything's first couple of posts before you jump to conclusions about what he needs to do.
His wife was ready to leave him and was removing herself from their home because he was emotionally and physically abusive for years( by his own admission). That doesn't excuse cheating, but if she had an emotional affair it is due to his years of neglect and abuse. 

S4E, you are trying to change and I commend you for that. You have admitted that your behavior was wrong, and that is the first step to rebuilding your life. I am truly sorry that you have discovered that your wife has been getting her emotional stability from another man. Is she wrong in doing this... maybe.
Perhaps she should have just left you like she had planned to before seeking out this other man as a shoulder to cry on.
You want this marriage to work? Forgive her, just like you are asking her to forgive you for years of abuse.
There is still a chance that if you stop the abuse and she stopps contact w/ the EA and you both get some more counseling under your belt it might be salvageable.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I did, and he "never cheated or physicaly violent" .


So both he and I didn't contribute to the marriage, we never stepped out side the marraige and connect to OP, were where just work acholics and emotional chalanged. 

No one had influence on us except us, but for our DS they are being influenced by blood sucking vampires the pry on weak emotional neglegted women. 

For us to change we did it for us, but for our DS they are cunfused witch = I want my H and the OM... Come on now her behaviors are being influenced, ours weren't.

So now we are the bad guys, yes we were, but for her to "lean" on OM ...... Hell I needed no one to lean on..... I met my bbad behaviors head on and changed, for my family, wife, and my self. 

" For better or for worse" she made that vow and so did he, the marriage diserves her recommitment. 


Sorry for the rant ! Mrs LG "is she wrong for doing this... mayby" that just didn't sit well with me. By the way how do you guys past those quotes?


----------



## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

The little quote button at the bottom of the post.

I think I said up there that "it doesn't excuse her cheating".... although, I have a hard time equating an EA w/ a PA.

That is just me, though.

Perhaps this OM was helping her navigate a way to get out of an abusive relationship and they found a true connection. Maybe the OM is a "fixer".

Either way, they have both made mistakes, sounds like a sh!t ton of 'em. They both need to work on forgiveness and communication or move on w/ their lives with lessons learned.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Either way, they have both made mistakes, sounds like a sh!t ton of 'em. They both need to work on forgiveness and communication or move on w/ their lives with lessons learned.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How come it doesn't look like everyone else's?


Sorry for the thread jack s4e


----------



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

the guy said:


> How come it doesn't look like everyone else's?
> 
> 
> Sorry for the thread jack s4e


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I am working on forgiving her. I love her and our marriage has been better than ever.......but is it trick? I guess only time can tell. My biggest problem is that I was finally doing what I should have been doing all along and that is when she decided to **** on me. Really? I am the one concidering the divorce now, I am so confused, this has never happened to me before. I love her and want so bad to be with her, but I don't thoink I can love her like she deserves after what she did. She crossed a lot of lines that I am not sure I could forgive. The guy she was talking to is 15 years older than her, fat, ugly, on his second marriage(which is failing), and makes half as much as me. WTF! He has nothing to offer that I can't do better. I called him acouple of times and threatened him, to me you don't [email protected]*k with a mans family! EVER! If they talked after we were over fine,but I feel lime this idiot was trying to rob my little girl of her daddy, who she loves more than anything. I would never ever talk to another mans wife or gf, never! That is the lowest piece of scum on the face if the earth. Anyhow, I love my wife with all my heart and I am doing my best to get past this. I just hope that this is not a trick and she truly loves me again.........please let it be true, I have learned my lesson(very painfully) and I will NEVER take her for granted again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

The other thing is that I am so angry at the guy that I hope I run into him somewhere. I have the emails and I think I will drop them to his wife, so she knows. The only downside I see is that I don't want any problems for my wife. If I can find a way to burn him alone then I will. She says I am focusing on revenge with him too much, but I would much rather channel the anger to him and the love to her. There is definitely nothing I hate more than a homewrecker (male or female).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please listen to your wife--she NEEDS you to focus on her and not on revenge or the OM. 

You do not have to jump to trusting her--she needs to recognize that she has betrayed your trust as much as you betrayed hers. So, focus on that--rebuilding trust with each other. 

You've been through some very emotional times--a long period of unkindness (which had anger or anxiety or something at its root), a period of deep panic and self-awareness, plus a lot of guilt, a huge sense of relief that she was willing to try again, and now this. Maybe it would be useful to back away from all of it emotionally by focusing on what you need to do to rebuilt your marriage. Is it hard for you to think about when you were mean to her? Does the anger (toward OM) feel less painful than the guilt and/or fear of knowing how close you came to losing her, and why? It's possible you are seizing on the anger--a feeling with which you are more familiar and comfortable, perhaps--to avoid other emotions. The anger would also then be leading you away from the very emotions and actions on which you need to focus. Also, by channeling the anger to him and the love to her, you may actually be avoiding the need to confront her betrayal and how upsetting that has been to you. How you treat her now will show if you really meant what you said when you promised to treat her better. Her affair has set up a challenge for you: can you treat her with love and respect even though you are extremely angry at her? My guess is, that is what she wants to see from you. (and you can be very angry, and even express anger, with love and respect; learn that now and you will cover ground many, if not most, people fail to cover, ever). 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.


----------

