# Bedroom help



## KimA523 (Aug 16, 2015)

So I’m looking for a way to get that spark back in the bedroom. My SO and myself have been together for 11 years and I have recently just had a child that is 1 y.o. (I also have 2 other 8 &6) and I have also just gone back to school for nursing. It’s tough because I am on the computer a lot doing assignments or studying, and when I’m not exhausted he is and I feel like there is never a “right time” to have sex. We have tried planning sex and I’m not sure what it is about it but it doesn’t seem to work out. What I mean exactly is it takes longer than usual for me to get into it or I just tell him to stop because I feel extremely awkward.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

KimA523 said:


> We have tried planning sex and I’m not sure what it is about it but it doesn’t seem to work out. What I mean exactly is it takes longer than usual for me to get into it or I just tell him to stop because I feel extremely awkward.


Planning or scheduling sex can solve a lot of problems but it also creates some new ones. In the books I have read where a spouse claims that she wants things to be natural and spontaneous and that scheduling makes things seem too routine. The authors suggest trying to change your perspective. Planning or scheduling sex is more about planning or scheduling an opportunity for something erotic to happen. Sex should not guaranteed and there is a risk it may not even happen and that is perfectly OK.

This give you a challenge to work on. What happens when one person can't get aroused and it is just not going to happen, but the other person is very aroused? What things are OK and what things are not OK? Perhaps you would still enjoy a one-sided experience where you just focus on one person's pleasure and not the other. Perhaps desire needs a little distance and you work out how to focus on quality instead of quantity. Perhaps he is perfectly OK taking care of himself as long as you are not offended or jealous regarding how her does this. Perhaps he might enjoy you taking care of yourself and then sharing with him the details of how you did that or even doing so in front of him.

So when you encounter a challenge like having trouble getting going, take it as an opportunity to learn about how to solve it.

*When it comes to spicing things up, perhaps it is about doing the opposite.* Perhaps you need to schedule nonsexual intimacy and work on hugging and massaging each other in the context that sex will not or can not happen in that moment. This will allow you do be more vulnerable and push nonsexual intimacy so that it can be done in the nude. Then since desire needs distance, this might be what it takes to create a sudden spark later in the day for things to happen spontaneously and naturally. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Why do you feel awkward? More like roommates and not a married couple?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That telling him to stop must never happen, once the flesh-tivities have started

There will come a time when, one too many, stop-telling's will convince him to stop forever. 

The time for forbearance is prior to intercourse, while the two of you are still in discourse.

He will look for release somewhere else, somewhere where the stop signs are un-imagined.

Most men show their love, via physical sex. 

Cut off that avenue, and he will soon make a u-turn, with your turn, now being over.


_Lilith-_


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

maybe try adding some novelty? Something to try that you can both look forward to ahead of the "scheduled" times? New sex toy, lingerie, new position to try....

Another option, if times are not aligning and you both are often tired, if the mood ever does strike, pull him into the bathroom and go for a quickie. That may spark some added desire on both your parts.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

So your kids ages are about where we were when we had our third kid, now 6, 11 and 13. Kids sure do know how to "**** block" if you know what I mean. My wife and I scheduled intimate time together and it helped quite a bit for both of us. She really likes it and tells me often that it's the best thing we did. On our scheduled nights, there is no pressure for sex on either of us, all we do is allocate that night to "us". That could mean anything from kissing, cuddling to crazy monkey sex and everything in between. The whole trick to the schedule is to not to make it about sex, but a time and way to connect with each other. If you do that, everything else should happen naturally and you should find each other again. 

The only trick to make it work is YOU have to be "present" on those days, meaning you have to do everything in your power to get all those crazy thoughts out of your head (laundry, kids, house, bills). Your husband should know you enough to help you with that (talking always works, massages work great with coconut oil, hot tub is good too) and to be able to get you in the mood. Sometimes you'll get there, sometimes you won't but all that counts is that you are trying. 

Good luck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I went back and read another thread of yours (now closed) from 2015 and you were reporting the same problems. I would like to point out the following two problems you mentioned:

Historically it is you that always initiates and he frequently turns you down. You admit to initiating even if you don't want sex just to test to see how often he desires you. 
When he does accept your initiation you then struggle to get aroused. 

I admit to doing the same thing in my marriage. That is wanting sex but fearing rejection. So one develops a habit of initiating when not in the mood so that the subsequent rejection does not hurt as much. Then when there is an opportunistic acceptance you are not in the mood and performance anxiety takes over and prevents arousal because you are too worried about pleasing your spouse and not yourself. 

It becomes a typical death spiral of bad sex creating even worse sex. 

The solution is about being aware of how needing a partner to validate you is actually immature and comes across as needy. We all want to be wanted, but unfortunately that is not how sex works in a long tern relationship. After a decade we must transition to wanting to be known and seen completely. Arousal and eroticism are about removing shame and guilt to just be ourselves and share that completely with a spouse. Sex then becomes about arousal that comes from within and is shared. That arousal can be a fantasy of wanting to be with your spouse, but it is important to acknowledge that it is something you created and that your spouse may have not had any active role in the matter. Particularly if it is a fantasy about being touched in a certain way that your spouse is unlikely to know without this idea being shared. 

So the next time you initiate, try meditating on what you want your husband to do to you. Try and make it something that is fairly realistic and easy to accommodate. Then when it comes time for your scheduled time together ask him to do that for you in the way that you imagined it. Perhaps it involves him avoiding your erogenous zones to focus elsewhere first. Or perhaps it involves him applying the lube to himself so that your first sensation his hot wet touch and not a glob cold lube with a tendency to run down your inner thigh.

Hope that helps.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

We’ve never tried scheduling and my wife would never go for that either. I think it’s more about seizing opportunities when they present themselves and being prepared.

If the one year old is asleep and other kids can be occupied with a video- go for it. We have loud/inexpensive door alarms on the front/back door so when we slip away we can be sure no one is coming or going (knowing that kids can’t escape the house and that someone can't come in goes a long way in helping you relax). Have a few videos/video games that you know the kids love but reserve those for your brief "getaways" (to keep these especially interesting to the kids). 

Keep an extra car seat in the house so you can restrain the one year old for twenty or thirty minutes with a video (we own an entire collection of "Baby Einstein" DVDs that did a great job of keeping our one year old busy and happy)... obviously, you can't let a one year old wander the house and you certainly won't be able to relax if you're worrying about the kids. It certainly won't harm the child if they are in their car seat in front of the TV while your behind them in the same room on the bed. 

I pretty much trained my wife on the fact that if she is undressing for a shower- I'm pretty much showing up. It has even become a bit of a code word between us over the years such that now she will say I'm going to take a shower (my eyebrows instantly raise). So, this is a bit of a heads-up that I need to start figuring out how to get the kids occupied. 

Obviously, you need a reliable latch on your bedroom door to keep kids out... again it will be impossible to relax if you're worried your 6 or 8 years old kids are about to open the door.

We also used those audio only baby monitors so we could hear what kids our up to when we were off in the master bedroom alone. I think little things like these can help put you at ease. If you wait until kids are asleep all the time- you might find yourselves too tired also when that time comes around.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

KimA523 said:


> So I’m looking for a way to get that spark back in the bedroom. My SO and myself have been together for 11 years and I have recently just had a child that is 1 y.o. (I also have 2 other 8 &6) and I have also just gone back to school for nursing. It’s tough because I am on the computer a lot doing assignments or studying, and when I’m not exhausted he is and I feel like there is never a “right time” to have sex. We have tried planning sex and I’m not sure what it is about it but it doesn’t seem to work out. What I mean exactly is it takes longer than usual for me to get into it or I just tell him to stop because I feel extremely awkward.


I might have to go and look at the 5 year old thread to see if it changes any context. But for now, make your scheduled time together time instead. Don't push the sex, but be willing to let it happen. Expectation can often push down arousal.

Also, if either of you have any interest in any type of kink, try doing that instead of looking to have sex. I have done more kink scenes without having sex then I have with sex. Kink is sexual in nature, but doesn't usually require sex. And again, if conditions end up right, go for it. It's easier to have unexpected sex, then planned sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just know it's not impossible to have a good sex life when a couple has children.

It's just not. Too many couples start using it as a convenient excuse but it's many times covering up their real reasons.

Remember you two are a couple before you're parents.

You have to decide what's important to you and here's a hint if you want to continue in a good marriage at times their must be personal time for you both.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

KimA523 said:


> What I mean exactly is it takes longer than usual for me to get into it or I just tell him to stop because I feel extremely awkward.


try this simple trick.
when you are working at the computer, earlier in the day, watch a little porn. Maybe even masturbate. Or do whatever you know MAKES YOU HORNY. when your husband walks in the door, you want to be horny, and having been thinking of sex, all afternoon long. It will over-ride any of that "i am too tired to get laid" way of thinking.

and for him...in the afternoon...start texting hubby about how much you want him tonight! maybe send a sexy pic to him? get HIM thinking all afternoon long about getting laid too.

If you both are having trouble getting into the mood, work on it for a longer time, get a slow burn going, so when he walks thru the door, you rip off his clothes....


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