# new to forum/need help in marriage



## e-girl (Jan 23, 2008)

Hello All,
I have read some of the posts and it seems I have alittle of everything.
I have been with the same guy for 15 years, including being married for 7.
I was having troubles before we got married (I know why did I do it then) I thought getting married would change some things, example he never shared his life saying "It doesn't effect you" or "It's none of my business" also he would say things like "well we're not married" or "you're not my wife" so with that I thought marrying me he would look at me as a partner and equal.
Well, that didn't seem to work he still thinks his life is his life and what he does does not effect me. I'm not a ball and chain, I let him do whatever and he has freedom to go out if he wants.
Also, he went through a bad depression about 7 or 8 years ago and slowly getting somewhat better but has big issues.
1 major one is we've only had sex 5 times since we've been married! I feel very lonely and unattractive, he doesn't compliment me and makes jokes about my big butt. Well yes my butt is somewhat big (but hey what's alittle junk in trunk?) I'm 5'9" and 130 lbs(not too bad), I don't think I'm gorgeous but many have said I am pretty and I get more out of complete strangers than my husband. He says it not me, but what am I suppossed to think. Oh, and when I say no sex, it's nothing, I couldn't tell you the last time we even made out, nothing, nada, nothing at all in a sexual manner. I'm going crazy, just watching people kiss on TV drives me crazy. I have not cheated on him at all, not even kissed anyone.
2 He doesn't do anything to help around the house, I have a full time job and run two different companies (trying to get them off the ground) and it keeps me very busy, he has 1 job. I cook and clean every night, he leaves clothes and dishes everywhere. Thank god he has his own bathroom.
3 He has picked up smoking again, he knows I hate it (he doesn't do it around me) but I can smell it.
4 He has gained alot of weight in the last 10 years and has psorais very bad and doesn't clean up the flakes after himself, they are everywhere. UGH!
5 He doesn't listen, I'm all about talking things out. About every 6 months we have the same conversation about everything I just wrote and then some, that I haven't mentioned (yeah, there's more). He's good for two or three days and then back, I just keep taking it until BAM we have the conversation.
Well, I have hung in there for sooooo long, I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do. I'm scared to stay with him and scared to leave him.
I spoke with him again on New Year's Day and then a week ago he said he doesn't understand what is the problem and he doesn't see he does anything wrong and what I'm talking about. 
Well I then said everything again. Well he then started making the bed and did the dishes about three times. He thought doing that, everything was perfect, I said no and then had to explain everything again just the other day. UGH!!!!!!
Now at this point I've been so unhappy it's hard to just be happy in the marraige again. 
I think he wants to try things out, but now all he keeps saying is that I don't love him. OMG, I tell tht's the only reason I'm with him. Honest;y, I don't need him for anything, DUH it's not the sex, it's not $$, I make enough, it's not b/c he hot (sorry, I know that's mean, but true, no Brett Favre, here) 
I have asked him to seek counseling before about 5 years ago and he said I had the problem, so I went and she told me to leave him, but I couldn't b/c he was already in that depression. I mentioned it several times since and nothing.
Well, I asked again New Years and nothing, I said we had to go the other day and he still hasn't said anything about it.
At this point I don't really know if I even want to try to work it out, b/c I just tired, you know, just tired of everything.
Well, now that I've bored you to death and my fingers are numb.
What do I do?


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Hi E-girl
Now that you have been married to him for 7 years and in total 15 years together,things have not change and remained the same. Things can only change if he is willing to change. In the mean time maybe you have to take the time out to work on yourself. Why have you stuck around for so long. I understand that you love him but put love aside for a second, what is holding you back from your happiness? Is this marriage a security blanket for something that you are trying to avoid. Now, I do not suggest divorce because I do not think it's my place and I do not always think that's the answer. Counseling is definitely needed and if he decides he does not want to go, go by yourself and not to the one who told you to leave him but to one that can discuss the other issues that are breaking this marriage apart. This will not be a cure all but more of enlighting experience for you. We all stick around for different reasons and maybe you may want to look into that a little more. Questions to ask yourself? Do I deserve this? Am I a loving person? Do I deserved to be loved?


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## e-girl (Jan 23, 2008)

Thank you fredfoxw28,
I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my lengthy post.
To be honest, I guess I don't really have a good answer for why I've stayed. I want to say part of it, is I don't like giving up and divorce seems like that's what I'd be doing and also it's like OK you can't just work things out kind of thing. Some parts are I didn't leave someone when they are already down I wanted to be there for him through all this depression.
I have thought again about going to talk to someone myself, but I'm also to the point is why am I always the one fixing things. I know double edge sword.
To answer your last questions:
_Do I deserve this?_ NO
_Am I a loving person?_ YES
_Do I deserved to be loved? _ HELL YEAH, it would be about time. (Let's just say, I never had much of a childhood either. My father was never around and my mom has no clue how to love) whatever boo who me, sorry about that.
Anyway, Thanks again.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

He is my advice.

Leave him. He is to lazy to work on himself, you, the marriage or the house.

Why do you stay with him A) pity or B) don't want to say that your marriage failed. Either or both are not reasons to stay. You deserve to be happy and he will never make you happy.

BTW 5'9 and 130lbs is an awesome weight don't let him fool you. I bet your BMI is much better then his.

draconis


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## e-girl (Jan 23, 2008)

My friends don't want to tell me that, It's kind of scarey hearing it. 
We've talked again 
And now he says to write everything down, b/c he still doesn't understand what he does wrong or what the problem is. He also says to write down my one biggest complaint with him and he will work on that....
OK, kinda sounds like he's trying, but one thing :scratchhead:
At that rate it'll be another 5 years before we get to where I'd like to be.
BTW...we still haven't had sex or even made out.
Oh, he kissing me (peck on the lips) before he leaves for work and the one time he tried to kiss me the other day before he brushed his teeth UGH! :nono: I said I want to but with nice breath and he got mad. He does this sort of thing, trying when he knows I won't and then he says I'm the problem.
Anyway, I guess I have some thinking to do....
? should I take it upon myself to make an appointment to talk to someone? he still hasn't
_Why do you stay with him A) pity or B) don't want to say that your marriage failed. Either or both are not reasons to stay. You deserve to be happy and he will never make you happy._ BOTH


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

e-girl said:


> _Why do you stay with him A) pity or B) don't want to say that your marriage failed. Either or both are not reasons to stay. You deserve to be happy and he will never make you happy._ * BOTH*


A better question is what do you really want here, can you stand to live with him like this until he gets it? What happens if he doesn't?

I understand that the more you invest into something the less you want to lose it, however, He is who he is. He can only change if he wants that change.

draconis


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

I hope this doesn't sound mean, because Im not trying to be, but it sounds like you are his mother, not his wife. I agree with your therapist. I mean, he wants you to write it down??? WTF???? You are his wife, not his mom and he's not your son! I honestly wouldn't stay. All that you described would drive me insane and honestly you do deserve BETTER, much better! Don't settle or limit yourself to the same stuff you had as a child, grow from your childhood...my best advice! Hope it all works out and you can be happy, you deserve it!


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## e-girl (Jan 23, 2008)

Hi all,
Thanks for all your replies.
Finally after a month he is doing some things. He has done the dishes acouple of times and picks up some of his things in the rest of house. He talks to me alittle better and he did clean up his side of the bedroom. Still not touching the surface. I do see some effort but I'm just not feeling it. He constantly says "I don't think you love me anymore" and pouts around and tries to make me feel guilty or just bugs me all the time.
Still no sex or even kissing he says he doesn't want to kiss me b/c he thinks I think it will lead to sex and he doesn't want that. I had off this weekend and mentioned sex acouple of times and well nothing.
Am I asking to much for him plan something special or even bending over backwards. I know if I was in his shoes, I'd be doing ALOT more. 
I was surprised on Valentine with roses (the second time in our entire relationship), a card, CD and video game I've been asking for, for 2 years (yes, I love the videogames ). So plus on that.
But, he still has not made an appointment with a counseler or anything.
OK, I know I've asked this before and I guess I need a brick to fall on my head, but what do I do?
I almost feel like I'm not in Love with him anymore and now I don't find him attractive. Now I feel like the bad guy.


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

You are not a bad guy......sometimes its too late. Maybe he is doing just barley enough thinking he will get you to "hold on' to him. Your decision needs to be do I stay or go...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sarahdale24 said:


> You are not a bad guy......sometimes its too late. Maybe he is doing just barley enough thinking he will get you to "hold on' to him. Your decision needs to be do I stay or go...



DItto, you are not the first person to feel something is a little to late.

draconis


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## e-girl (Jan 23, 2008)

Hi All,
OK, some news, I told him again, this is it and he had 'til the end of March to make an appointment to talk to someone. He made a call and we have an appointment this week coming. I hope they can help us, but I still feel like I'm just too spent to work at it anymore.
Thank you for not letting me feel guilty or like the bad guy, but I still do. I really think I realized that it's me feeling guilty if I leave.
I'll keep y'all posted.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

e-girl said:


> Hi All,
> OK, some news, I told him again, this is it and he had 'til the end of March to make an appointment to talk to someone. He made a call and we have an appointment this week coming. I hope they can help us, but I still feel like I'm just too spent to work at it anymore.
> Thank you for not letting me feel guilty or like the bad guy, but I still do. I really think I realized that it's me feeling guilty if I leave.
> I'll keep y'all posted.


Glad to hear things are moving forward for you.

draconis


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