# Spouses who....



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?

Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything. 

Not only does she say these things to me about him, but to others as well. Why would she treat him one way at home, act like all is well, but then blast him behind his back? 

Why do people do this? I'm sure it can work for men as well, who may do the same sort of thing.


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?
> 
> Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything.
> 
> ...


That sounds how my wife treats me. Except sometimes she takes shots at me around others to make it seems like she is training this dog.

Bad reference. I did it again.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO spouses who do this, are very disrespectful. Its almost like they are two faced. Face one: "Honey I love you, you are wonderful!" Face two: He is a piece of s*it who does nothing!" 

Its almost like someone who is bipolar. Anyway, its hard to say WHY some people do this. IMO, if you truly love your spouse, you should not only praise them to themselves, but to others as well, especially when they are not around to hear it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?
> 
> Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything.
> 
> ...


I was friends with a couple like this. They did it to one another. It made me sick. Not people I wanted to continue associating with.

It's disrespectful. Plain and simple. She's also a user... getting what she needs (likely financially) from him so she has to be phony to keep her lifestyle up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Not only does she say these things to me about him, but to others as well. Why would she treat him one way at home, act like all is well, but then blast him behind his back?


Because she is a hypocrite. Feel sorry for her husband.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Maybe the next time she starts bashing him to you, you need to call her out on it. Say something along the lines of, "If he is so awful and can't do anything right, why are you still with him?" 

I wouldn't want to continue to hang around people like that, Its negative and toxic.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I believe one of the reasons may be because people really do hate on you if you have a faithful spouse and the person you're around has a lousy spouse or no spouse at all. So I've been around people who downplay the quality of their relationship in order to avoid the jealous. 

I don't talk much about my relationship when I had friends because I didn't want to be insensitive. Unfortunately only one of them was in a decent relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have a friend who speaks very rudely to her husband in front of me. It makes me feel uncomfortable aNd I feel bad for her husband. Not even sure what to say. But it makes me happy I'm not married.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I was friends with a couple like this. They did it to one another. It made me sick. Not people I wanted to continue associating with.
> 
> It's disrespectful. Plain and simple. She's also a user... getting what she needs (likely financially) from him so she has to be phony to keep her lifestyle up.


Well, they both work and she actually makes a good living herself, so I doubt finances are a real issue, but I still don't get it. Maybe its for appearances or she wants others to feel sorry for her that she is in such a terrible situation? :scratchhead: When really she may not be. I have heard her talk to others about him that don't even know him, so they don't see how she treats him when he is around. They just know what she says about him when he isn't around.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

It's called "victim complex". She needs everybody to see how horrible a husband he is, which is usually indicative of covering her own mistakes. 

My ex-traitor did the same nonsense. Even during our separation when she wanted us to be "friends"...buddy to my face, while she twists the knife in the back.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Well, they both work and she actually makes a good living herself, so I doubt finances are a real issue, but I still don't get it. Maybe its for appearances or she wants others to feel sorry for her that she is in such a terrible situation? :scratchhead: When really she may not be. I have heard her talk to others about him that don't even know him, so they don't see how she treats him when he is around. They just know what she says about him when he isn't around.



She gets SOMETHING out of it. When I finally told my friend she should leave if it was so bad, she cut me off. Deleted me from FB and my husband too, who's shoulder she also had whined on.

Some people like to play on the sympathy of others. They have no intentions of fixing their problems. My 'friend' had always been that energy draining vortex of negativity. When I stopped listening to her she cut me off.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

It is disrespectful to speak about your spouse in this manner when he is not there to even defend himself. Most of what she says is probably untrue if she cannot say it in front of him. I hate people that insist on going behind someones back to talk smack about them instead of just saying it to their face.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I have heard her talk to others about him that don't even know him, so they don't see how she treats him when he is around. They just know what she says about him when he isn't around.


Have you ever made a comment to her about it or called her out on it?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sound slike a toxic friend syndrome as well. She talks down on him because others talk down about their SOs. I wouldn't put up with it. You tell me what you think in front of my face, not behind my frigging back. 

I've seen it also as women trolling for di*k from other unhappy women's husbands. See who has a crappy relationship with their hot man so they can sidle up to the guy and "help him." Which makes it a thousand times worse in my mind.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Don't get me started on "support" groups, especially those on Facebook. I've never found a bigger collection of toxic, self-absorbed, divorce-happy men and women in my entire life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?
> 
> Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything.
> 
> ...


This is terrible!  You had better beware of her as a friend, because she probably does the same thing to you! She does NOT love her husband, or she would not do this. She is using him.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

This kinda reminds me of how my husband has been before. He is a recovering alcoholic and done well, however when he would talk to his sponsor (this was after 2 years of being clean) he would paint me in an ugly light. I actually overheard him one day talking to his sponsor on the phone in our back yard one Spring day. He had him on speaker phone while he was doing some stuff in the yard. My daughters window to her room was up and I was cleaning in there when I over heard him say how I never cooked, and I never did this or that. That was funny the week prior to me hearing this, I had cooked him and my son meals every night for them both and froze them, because my daughter and I both had to be away for a few days at a conference.

I had and still do so much for him and the family, but yet got talked about like that. I remember it really hurting my feelings, and I thought, wow this is how he really feels about me huh? The thing is, I wasn't alone when I heard him say this. My neighbor had come over and was in the room with me, when we both over heard this. She had come over to show me this new homemade stuff she had that got stains out of carpets. She was as shocked as I was to hear him say that, she knew I had cooked and cooked many times before and done numerous things. He has always been like that though. He paints me in a different light to others, even to his family. But then wants to hug me or put his arm around me and wants lovin' to my face, but then talks like that about me to others. I think it speaks volumes about him, and less about me. But sometimes it makes me feel like, wow who did I really marry?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He paints me in a different light to others, even to his family. But then wants to hug me or put his arm around me and wants lovin' to my face, but then talks like that about me to others.


This would turn me WAY off. Meaning I couldn't be affectionate with such a person.

How do you do it?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> This would turn me WAY off. Meaning I couldn't be affectionate with such a person.
> 
> How do you do it?


I actually don't do it much anymore. I have tried many times over the years to explain this to him and how it doesn't make me feel close to him or desire him. He says he understands, but then a day or two later, goes right back to the way he was, after he gets what he wants of course. I have learned to not give myself so freely anymore. He still acts like he doesn't understand. I think he does, but just doesn't care. 

I don't think I will ever truly understand a person who claims they love someone but then talks crap about them to others.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?
> 
> Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything.
> 
> ...


It's likely a personality trait and if she does it with him then she does it with others including her friends. Some people need to play the victim and built them selves up by tearing down others.

This will make her especially vulnerable to an affair because some guy or guys will validate everything she says whether they actually care or not.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Manipulative people do this.

They are calculating about what they show to different people. They'll play a horny man differently than another woman. 

Understand they're doing the same to you. To your face they show one thing. To others, they are busy painting you badly. It can go on for years without you realizing it, and when you do the "story" about you has become written in stone and it is too late to change it no matter how false it is.

Remove such people from your life because they are a danger to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AgentD, that sucks. I had an ex like that. I left him. One time we were out with his relatives and he said some really rude things about me that he thought was funny and both of his relatives called him out on it. It was an eye-opening moment for me.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

Mine apparently still is. Shrug.

I'm on board for the notion that manipulators do this quite well.

It actually makes a boatload of sense in my sitch.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CallaLily said:


> I have a question, what do you think about people who are one way to their spouses, but act another way when they are not with them?
> 
> Meaning, I have a friend who is married, she loves all up on him when they are together, treats him good, praises him etc. He seems to respond well to all of this etc, But then when out or he isn't around, she talks about him like a dog. He doesn't do this, he can't do that, etc etc. She always finds a problem with him about something, and big time into blaming him for just about everything.
> 
> ...


Basically ...they are too much of a coward to be honest to someone's face... I've annoyed some GF's of mine by defending the ones they are tearing down... and asked outright if they know they feel that way about them.

Also when you see this behavior in someone, you can bet your bottom dollar -no matter how nice they are to YOU...likely they have also spilled some unfavorable chatter behind your back as well ...this is why I appreciate those who keep it *real*...even if they step on my toes, I appreciate this far more. 



> *Thundarr said*: It's likely a personality trait and if she does it with him then she does it with others including her friends. Some people need to play the victim and built them selves up by tearing down others.
> 
> This will make her especially vulnerable to an affair because some guy or guys will validate everything she says whether they actually care or not.


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