# Any advice for an exit strategy



## Kay80 (Jul 11, 2013)

Hi - I'm posting in an attempt to help a close friend. She has been married for 9 years and is seriously considering leaving her husband. There have been many issues in the marriage and she is miserable. Her husband has had control over the finances and has three times now got them into major credit card debt and has overextended them financially. Each time it has been up to her (and the help of others) to fix everything. He has a misconception of their financial status and believes that he deserves a great lifestyle even though they can not afford it. This last time she got a loan to pay off the credit card debt he racked up and cut up the cards. A week later she "intercepted" new cards that he ordered in the mail. In addition to the debt from credit cards and bills he didn't pay they also owe the IRS and have property that is most likely going to be foreclosed on. She realizes that this is not going to change and will be a repeating theme in their lives.

She has asked him to go to marriage counseling and he refuses saying everything is fine and it's "in her head". He is manipulating and very controlling. Without counseling she feels her only option is divorce and taking her two small children.

She has a very small family (and no one who will really be able to help her) but she has some close friends like my husband and I who are here to support her.

My friend is well educated and has a good paying job. They are currently renting so there is no marital home to protect. Her idea is to get everything set up to leave, and move while he is at work one day and have him served with papers. She is not doing this to "screw" him over financially or otherwise but to keep him from guilting her into staying (master manipulator). Her concern is doing this the right way in order to protect her kids. 

Does anyone have any advice as to what she needs to have lined up prior to leaving?

Thank you so much!

Kay


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, she needs to set up her own bank accounts, if she hasnt already. Start getting money together for security deposits, attorney's retainers, etc. Make copies of every paper she can get her hands on, legal documents, financial records, bills, copy of their joint accounts. Get her name off of any joint credit cards they might have left, or close them. Consult an attorney and get paperwork started. (is she looking at legal separation or divorce?) Start looking for a place to live. Secure a storage space if needed and hire movers to move her stuff. (much faster that way)


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

One question that came from all this... why does she feel right in taking their two small children? What does she need to protect her kids from? Is there any physical abuse or violent tempers present in the relationship that puts them at risk?

Maybe she isn't doing it to screw him over, but it sure sounds like that is exactly what she intends to do.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

cdbaker said:


> One question that came from all this... why does she feel right in taking their two small children? What does she need to protect her kids from? Is there any physical abuse or violent tempers present in the relationship that puts them at risk?
> 
> Maybe she isn't doing it to screw him over, but it sure sounds like that is exactly what she intends to do.


I second this, she has no right to sequester the kids unless she expects abuse. It's vindictive and wrong to separate a parent from their children.

To answer your question, as a spouse you have a right to do certain things. So I would do as someone else suggested and close joint accounts or get her name off BEFORE she serves him with papers. She'll still be responsible for the debt but it will keep her from being liable for debts that he will incur during the pendency of the action.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Kay,

I think that some assumptions are being drawn, here, that may not actually be the case. Is the place that she's moving to far away from where she lives, now? Is the plan actually to keep the children away from their father, or just to move while their father is out of the house, so that they don't have to bear witness to a scene?

One thing that I would definitely suggest that she have lined up is counselling for the children. Regardless of what they may or may not have already witnessed, divorce is difficult. It sounds like she may also have some co-dependency issues (i.e. "fixing" his screw-ups). She should look and see if there are any CoDA meetings near her and get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Depending upon the ages of her children, they have probably been learning from her actions. She needs to change her actions so that they can learn better ways to deal with things in their future.

Best of luck,
Mattsmom


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I had a homemaker friend who went through this a year ago. First get copies of financial records, get her name off credit cards, set up a bank account that he won't have access to. Save up some cash and hire an attorney. With kids involved you can't just up and leave you need to do this legally and an attorney will advise you the best course of action.

Bottom line hire an expert to walk her through the process or she can start reading on line for divorce laws in her state.


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