# How cyclical is your sex life?



## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

As we have aged (early 40s), our sex life has become very cyclical, specifically when it comes to her libido. My libido has always been much greater, and has caused a small bit of stress over the years, as I'm ready to get after it always.

Perhaps this cycle has always existed and it has just taken us a long time to identify it. 

For about a week during the month (fertile/ovulation time) her desire is very strong and we have sex 2-3x per day.

For the 6-7 days prior to her period, she has negative libido. As in, zero. She doesn't want to be touched and has no interest in sex at all. During her period, she usually does have desire, but is not comfortable with doing it during that time. The mess, etc, is not appealing to her and makes her self conscious.

The other week her libido is average, and we will usually do it once every other day, or so. 

Basically 2 weeks out of 4 is a no go for sex. What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion. 

We have a very healthy marriage and strong family life.

I know in many ways I'm just feeling sorry for my self. I also recognize that there are couples on here that would laugh at this situation and long to have sex nearly as frequently.

As she approaches menapause, my other concern is that the ovulation-fueled horniness will go away completely. The libido will die. 

My question is, how normal is this cycle driven sex? And when the ovulation stops, does the sexual desire also stop?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes, you are right. a rough calculation puts you at 21 x per month. an enviable situation indeed!

that most men would be thrilled about.

however, every situation is different. i cannot say i have heard other couples going through such a rigidly defined sex pattern.
i would guess you are not unique, but not typical either.

its ok to feel frustrated on the dry weeks, but like you say, put in in context and appreciate what you do have, because there's no easy answer other than
a sex battle between you and her.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Menopause had the opposite effect on my wife, her libido shot through the ceiling, and continues to climb. According to our physician, there is a definite upswing in testosterorne with nothing blocking it, therefore she wants and needs sex more often than she did before the menopausal phase. It has also given her an incredible uptick in her orgasmic capacity. We were good with 2-3 times per session, now it averages 10-15 times, until she gets sore. If she did not get sore, then we would be doing it every day.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

No doubt, you are in a very enviable position. I am completely jealous.

To your question, my first wife was very cyclical, but not nearly as desiring of sex as yours. Basically the week just after her period with the uptick in hormones was the only time she was interested in sex. 

My second wife is in my the middle of menopause and is all over the place.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Shamrockfaced said:


> As we have aged (early 40s), our sex life has become very cyclical, specifically when it comes to her libido. My libido has always been much greater, and has caused a small bit of stress over the years, as I'm ready to get after it always.
> 
> Perhaps this cycle has always existed and it has just taken us a long time to identify it.
> 
> ...


What you may need to realize is that your readiness for sex is just as hormone driven as her own, only on a different scale/cycle. As a man, you're basically saturated with testosterone, which is on a daily cycle as opposed to a monthly one for your wife. As a result, the ebbs and flows of your own hormone cycle are less obvious than your wife's is. Keep this in mind and realize that desire for sex with a person is very unlikely to occur for anyone in absence of the right chemical mix in addition to other relationship factors.

Will menopause affect things? Almost certainly, just as age will likely eventually take its toll on your own libido. Healthy lifestyle and hormone replacement can help.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I feel like for most people your situation is in fact enviable...sometimes we take what we have for granted. My husband and I have a great sex life and so I can relate to why you might find a small problem in something that is otherwise fantastic. 

Over the years, I've learned a lot about how hormones affect our lives. Many of our experiences in life are a cause of chemicals. It's sad, but it's true. A fearful thought can increase your cortisol levels, causing you to act more erratically than usual. A wonderful hug or deep conversation can release oxytocin, causing you to feel closer to your wife. So, yes, sex is certainly chemicals! 

Men are more attracted to women when they are ovulating too. It makes sense.. our bodies physically change to become more attractive when we are ovulating. Mother Earth planned it out so we could reproduce successfully! Haha. It sucks, but it's true. 

I'm like your wife. Soooo eager during ovulation, less so during the other weeks but still frequently... and there are a few days every cycle that I'm like "**** everyone. Nope. Don't talk to me."  Fuuuun, no?? hahaha


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

Fozzy said:


> What you may need to realize is that your readiness for sex is just as hormone driven as her own, only on a different scale/cycle. As a man, you're basically saturated with testosterone, which is on a daily cycle as opposed to a monthly one for your wife. As a result, the ebbs and flows of your own hormone cycle are less obvious than your wife's is. Keep this in mind and realize that desire for sex with a person is very unlikely to occur for anyone in absence of the right chemical mix in addition to other relationship factors.
> 
> .


This is an excellent point and one that I had not given much thought to. I think I need to mature a bit more in this area. That makes a ton of sense.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ours is cyclical but weekly cycle based on time stress and tiredness. Friday night sex, Saturday sex x2 if possible, Sunday sex x2, Monday to Thursday spotty based on time, stress, tiredness.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Shamrockfaced said:


> Basically 2 weeks out of 4 is a no go for sex. What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion.


There are also any non-hormonal things that are cyclical. For instance monthly billing cycles and pay periods. Those can have an impact as well. 

Yay we have extra money to go shopping! - Those are the good weeks!
Yikes we have a big bill to pay! - Those are the bad weeks!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Shamrockfaced said:
> 
> 
> > Basically 2 weeks out of 4 is a no go for sex. What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion.
> ...



I get what you are saying. She doesn't have any of those stresses of billing /financial cycles. I bear all of those. And my way of handling is usually: sex when I'm stressed.... Sex when I'm relaxed. Haha.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Back in the day, when I was married I experienced the same exact thing. Married at that time 20 plus years, mid 40's I told my buddy. It is just like this. she has her period, for the next 4-5 days, she is friendly, the next week she is interested in getting together, the NEXT week she will chase me around the room! the NEXT week....she hates my guts, then she has her period and we start over.
I actually liked this. I was able to plan accordingly, and I knew that even if she hated my guts, in a couple of weeks she was going to want me like a elephant wants peanuts! 
She quit being so predictable end of her 40's. Not sure if her cycle changed, or her relationship with the neighbor was the cause......


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Back in the day, when I was married I experienced the same exact thing. Married at that time 20 plus years, mid 40's I told my buddy. It is just like this. she has her period, for the next 4-5 days, she is friendly, the next week she is interested in getting together, the NEXT week she will chase me around the room! the NEXT week....she hates my guts, then she has her period and we start over.
> I actually liked this. I was able to plan accordingly, and I knew that even if she hated my guts, in a couple of weeks she was going to want me like a elephant wants peanuts!
> She quit being so predictable end of her 40's. Not sure if her cycle changed, or her relationship with the neighbor was the cause......


Haha..sounds like me. A few days before...i really hate my husband. I want to kill him over and over just for breathing. ...most annoying person in the whole world....My H thinks I am bipolar those days. Then, in a day or two...I love him so much...love of my life...I can't live without you....Bipolar....:grin2:

We are ruled by our moon cycles....


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Shamrockfaced said:


> Basically 2 weeks out of 4 is a no go for sex. What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion.


What makes you think the two things are separable?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Menopause had the opposite effect on my wife, her libido shot through the ceiling, and continues to climb. According to our physician, there is a definite upswing in testosterorne with nothing blocking it, therefore she wants and needs sex more often than she did before the menopausal phase. It has also given her an incredible uptick in her orgasmic capacity. We were good with 2-3 times per session, now it averages 10-15 times, until she gets sore. If she did not get sore, then we would be doing it every day.


We all hate you (well, at least those of us with menopausal wives)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Shamrockfaced said:


> As we have aged (early 40s), our sex life has become very cyclical, specifically when it comes to her libido. My libido has always been much greater, and has caused a small bit of stress over the years, as I'm ready to get after it always.
> 
> Perhaps this cycle has always existed and it has just taken us a long time to identify it.
> 
> ...


Sigh. Distracted by the math fail.


Sorry.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Shamrockfaced said:


> What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion.


I hate to break it to you, but that's all sex and love are. For you, as well. Just a series of chemicals firing off in our brain influencing our thoughts and behaviors.


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Shamrockfaced said:
> 
> 
> > What sort of bothers me is that it seems like sex is based on a chemical change in her body, and not really one of desire or passion.
> ...



Suggestions on how best to deal with the cycle?

This weekend, we had pretty intense sex (Friday night) and she went to sleep telling me (I need you to F* me again soon). This is about 1 day into "I hate you cycle", so I'm feeling like I got lucky, since this is normally no sex zone. Next morning, she wakes up and turns me away, but dresses in an outfit that she knows gets me revved up. All day, I'm anticipating an evening if fun. After dark, we have a few drinks and but she starts pushing me away. Sending serious mixed signals. We go upstairs and I'm assuming we're about to go on a romp. Instead, she comes to bed and scolds me about a silly laundry issue, puts sweats and sweatshirt on and turns her back to me. The message is clear: no sex for you. It's done. At this point, I'm drunk, horny and naked. Now I'm pissed. So, thus begins the 10ish days of exile until her period, which will last 4-5 days and then she'll be ready to rock on me again. I'm understanding the cycle, but still struggle with it on my end. For the next 4-5 days, she'll barely speak to me and all of my little flaws will become magnified. It's sort of frustrating.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Shamrockfaced said:


> Now I'm pissed. So, thus begins the 10ish days of exile until her period, which will last 4-5 days and then she'll be ready to rock on me again. I'm understanding the cycle, but still struggle with it on my end. F*or the next 4-5 days, she'll barely speak to me and all of my little flaws will become magnified.* It's sort of frustrating.


This sounds... extreme. Has she always been this hormonal? Does she work outside of the home? How does she function generally with such extreme hormonal cycles?

Look from my point of view - these hormone fluctuations suck! I don't think mine are nearly so extreme, but its also something, as a woman, I feel is my responsibility to be observant over and control. 

Us women get a big influx of estrogen twice a month, at ovulation, and before our period. For me, I notice hardly any change when I ovulate, but I DO get anxiety with my hormone changes right before my period. 

I use an app to track my cycles, and I also make notes regarding my mood etc. It was a HUGE eye opener years ago to see the patterns. I finally connected AH HA! That is why usually super mellow me starts feeling anxious for no reason - hormones! Gar! 

Once I saw the patterns, it was easier for me to tell myself "its just homones" and redirect my thoughts rather than indulge the anxiety. 

And the same goes for giving my husband a heads up "sorry, lady time of the month is just around the corner, I am feeling edgy and frustrated at the moment". 

Lucky for me, doesn't really affect my libido - oddly enough my husband must be able to detect my estrogen spike right before my period. He has always gotten super horny right before I get mine. More accurate than any app - for years I wondered why, until I learned about the hormone cycles. 

Any way - Any chance your wife would be willing to - be more conscious of this? Use an app, talk to a DR about her hormone levels etc? I wouldn't make it about the sex, but having a spouse you can hardly talk to, even for a few days a month, sounds not like much fun. I doubt she enjoys being in that state either.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Does once every year or two count as a cycle?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Does once every year or two count as a cycle?


... as long as you keep it up (so to speak) :wink2:


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> ... as long as you keep it up (so to speak) :wink2:


Ha, yep. It's been three months, so who knows? That last session interrupted our streak of almost two years - if we hadn't done it then or since, we'd have set a new record, breaking the old record of two years, one month. I believe in striving for goals.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I plotted my sexual life on SPSS (it's like Excel for smart people ) and it plotted:


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Shamrockfaced said:
> 
> 
> > Now I'm pissed. So, thus begins the 10ish days of exile until her period, which will last 4-5 days and then she'll be ready to rock on me again. I'm understanding the cycle, but still struggle with it on my end. F*or the next 4-5 days, she'll barely speak to me and all of my little flaws will become magnified.* It's sort of frustrating.
> ...



OK, so I could use some ideas on breaking this cycle. The last time I posted on this was after the laundry incident. That pissed me off and I did the 'cold shoulder' treatment for about 2 weeks. Pretty rare for me. BTW she's alot better than me at doing that. We didn't speak much and went to bed with backs to each other. No touching, anything. I can't do that for long. We love each other and even when she's *****y, at the end of the day we're best friends. A few weeks of that and things normalized. We had sex about 10 days ago and have glided into/through ovulation cycle. Last weekend we went at it all weekend long like crazy. On Tuesday, I could sense that the cycle was over. No sensual play and the mood is changed. I can't tell minor things bother her and the 'honeymoon' is over. Thing is, I'm horny as ever. What ideas are there for trying to romance her when she's not 'in the mood'? 

I will say, I've succeeded in doing this once before and it seems she had the most kind blowing orgasm... So I think if I can help her out to get there... It's worth it for her. Do ask me to follow that same formula because I think it was luck.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Shamrockfaced said:


> I did the 'cold shoulder' treatment for about 2 weeks.... We didn't speak much and went to bed with backs to each other. No touching, anything. I can't do that for long. We love each other and even when she's *****y, at the end of the day we're best friends.


Dude.... This not okay. What conversations have you had with her regarding this? This needs addressed, like yesterday (or more like years ago). COLD SHOULDER FOR TWO WEEKS? I feel like an A-hole if I give a cold shoulder for an hour. I mean seriously, ya gotta pick your battles. "Being mad" is not fun, and I truly think people can CHOOSE to not be mad, to let the little stuff go... 

People need to learn how to grow up and communicate like adults. I am not even talking about the sex part, I am talking about going to bed with your back to each other. That kind of stuff will really poison the well. 

Have you two considered couples counseling? Sounds like communication could be the heart of the issue.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I used to get sent to the dog house for long stretches. No more.

Dude, you need a plan. You need a go-to activity. The next time she gives you the cold shoulder, you don't say a word. You get up and go elsewhere in the house and do your go-to activity. With a smile on your face. And act as if nothing is wrong. The idea is to give the impression that her not wanting to interact with you is a good thing, because it frees you up to engage in purely selfish activities. Exercise. Play video games. Watch tv in another room. Some show she hates that she would never watch with you. Whistle when you come back into the room like you were having a great time by yourself.

You will never break this cycle if you always come back to her with your tail dragging between your legs like you were a bad dog. No, instead, come back with a dead squirrel in your mouth, drop it at her feet, and wag your tail and smile like you have been the best boy and are waiting to be thanked.

When you cannot do that any longer, file for divorce. If you blink first, you lose. Make her blink first.


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## Clockwork (May 2, 2018)

We are very regular and consistent. 3-4 times a week and that happens every week. For example there is never a week where we only do it once. Back to back nights happen, especially on the weekends. But for example if we do it Saturday and Sunday we probably don't do it Monday and maybe not Tuesday. But by Wednesday we will definitely be chomping at the bit. So on average, every other day. 15 times a month. I've come to realize that this is actually quite a bit of sex for married people.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Clockwork said:


> So on average, every other day. 15 times a month. I've come to realize that this is actually quite a bit of sex for married people.


My wife and I have been together for almost 22 years, of which 19 of those years we have been married and we still do it 4-6x a week and often more. That said I'm still surprised that some married people choose to do it a lot less than that.


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## Shamrockfaced (Feb 9, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Shamrockfaced said:
> 
> 
> > Dude.... This not okay. What conversations have you had with her regarding this? This needs addressed, like yesterday (or more like years ago). COLD SHOULDER FOR TWO WEEKS? I feel like an A-hole if I give a cold shoulder for an hour. I mean seriously, ya gotta pick your battles. "Being mad" is not fun, and I truly think people can CHOOSE to not be mad, to let the little stuff go...
> ...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She doesn't even give you a pity F**k during those two weeks?


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Have you tried being more nurturing during those weeks without an expectation of sex?


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## Mywifecanhelp (May 16, 2018)

I would say my wife has a pretty steady drive, she's even fine having sex during her period. But she does have jumps in her sexuality ever few months where she will go into hypersexual mode. Usually when there are no stress sources in her life. But I've never noticed any difference in her desire related to her menstrual cycle.


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