# Will it get better? What to do when we have a 1 year old?



## poppy21 (Mar 9, 2013)

This is my first time posting but just after some advice really. We have been together for 4 years with a one year old. We are not married and have no interest in making plans ect. But we are in a committed relationship. We both bought a house last year which the 15% deposit is funded mostly from his inheritance but also some of my money. We both share a car whcih is again majority his money put into it but i sold my car too which funded it aswell. We are both young, im 22 and he is 24.

So basiacally before we had our little one we werent exactly "madly in love". We were going through a rough patch because i was young and wanted to live my life yet he didnt want me doing this as he was jealous and would beg me not to go out with friends. I then accidently fell pregnant and because i wasnt interested in going out or being away from him really the problem we originally had disappeared as i was in the house almost constantly or with him.

We had our baby and things were good. He sometimes didnt help out as much as i would like but he is a really good dad. The problem is that we are pretty much arguing 24/7. I think he is a good guy but i dont think im in love with him and it is sometimes difficult to get on with him. Im sure he feels the same as me as i am aware i make it hard to get on with me as i am so happy. We have sex maybe once a month if that. I long for affection and someone who i feel madly in love with. I dream about the future and about meeting someone who i can truly get on with and love and have a sex life with. Yet i dont have any desire to really have sex with him or be close with him. It hurts me because i so despretley want to love him but i find it impossible. He can be so selfish and controlling and i sometimes feel id be better off a single parent. For example i sold my car mostly due to pressure from him which was then used to put towards a car which cost 5 times my orginial car (1k to 5k). I now never get the car and have to walk 2-3 miles on average to my uni with my son. This money could have bn spent on buying two slightly cheap cars but he wanted a flashier one. This pisses me off everyday. I know this is my fault too. i should have put my foot down. But i just hate being in a relationship with someone who can be so selfish. I want someone to put me first.. Im so confused. Do we continue living the way we are, argueing and unhappy becuase we have a baby? 

We have spoke about splitting up and what would happen with the house ect. He said hed move out and rent somewhere until the time came when i could sell the house. Im a year away from finishing my law degree and being a single parent would make this extremely difficult. I would have no money to even sell the house and he has all his money locked into this. I want something stable for my son. i dont want to be moving or have another man inplace of his father. I dont want to split my time with my son with his dad. I love him incredibly and it hurts that he is in this situation and sees us in such an unloving relationship

i really dont know why i am even posting this or what im looking for really. But no one knows me here and no one can judge me so it feels good to get it out.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you are suffering from the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome. You may find it helpful to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman at this point. 

A healthy marriage (relationship) takes work and commitment. I'm not sure you are really committed to the relationship. If it weren't for the child, wouldn't you already be gone? Sometimes we don't realize what we really have until it is gone. You may want to step back and see what blessings you have on your side of the fence. It may be worth fighting for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are angry at him because you say that he is selfish. Yet you sold your car and gave him the money. You want a man who puts you first. But you don't even put yourself first when it's needed. You cannot blame him for the things that you did.

He is supporting you and the baby right now. How is that selfish? It sounds generous to me.

I agree that it's wrong that you have to walk miles to school while he has the use of the car. On the other hand, that walk is all that bad and it will keep you healthy.

Who takes care of your baby when you walk to school and are in school?

Can you get financial aid? If so maybe you can get the money you need to buy yourself a car.

I think that you would benefit from the book "Divorce Busting". It does not matter that you are not married, it will help. After that read "Love Busters" and " His Needs, Her Needs". It sounds like the two of you don't know how to make a healthy relationship. These books will teach you.

About the arguing. It takes two to argue. If you refuse to argue there will be no arguments. You have control over this. Just stop arguing. For 30 days have the rule that you will not say anything negative to him. You will not argue with him. When he comes in ask him how his day went. Smile.. let him talk and listen.

By doing this you will defuse the situation.

Get your sex life back on track too. Once the two of you are making love 2-3 times a week the arguing will go away. Sex is the best antidepressant there is.


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