# The inlaws are creating issues in my marraige



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Married 17 years and have known my inlaws for twenty. My BIL and wife went on trips with us andwe had a blast. Things changed after we had kids.
My hubby and I tried six years and finally had our son with medical help. He was the joy of our lives. We asked my BIL and SIL to be his godparents as they were so good to him and just tickled over our son. After our son was born, my hubby and I started having issues because he refused to do anything for the baby and couldn't stand him crying. I was very hurt. We went to counseling and found out hubby had ADHD. It was a very difficult time. Apparently my hubby discussed this with his brother.

We were told we couldn't have any more kids but I was happy with just having my son. I knew BIL and SIL were trying and had no luck. Nobody was to know because it had to be a secret. The week of Christmas, I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. On Xmas eve. Hubby called his bro excited that I had gotten pregnat on my own. BIL, was like why do u want another when u can't handle whaT u got? I was devastated. The following xmas, they announced they were finally pregnant,with invetro. Keep in mind during this whole time, I kept getting snide remarks about having another baby. I planned to throw a shower for her, when she called and informed me that they would be providing everything their child would need.(yes,they have money)

We were asked to also be their daughters godparents. We figured the jealousy thing had ended and we could go on. Over the past ten years we only see the niece on holidays and birthdays. Four years ago we announced we were moving out of state. This really ticked off SIL since they had been planning to move to the same area we did. They came to visit and she made sure to make remarks about my kids health(both were having major medical issues) even saying my daughters issues were related to her home life.My kids are loved dearly and never want for love or attention from me so I took big offense.

Two years ago they moved two towns away from us. My BIL asked me to help get peoplet to help paint house,clean floors and clean the house so they could just move in. I asked my friend as a painter to stop his job so he could paint their entire house on time,got the floor cleaners for him, and set up the cleaning crew. Amonth before they move, they piled my living room with their crap. When they finally moved, I was dealing with the death of my grandfather and my MIL was at my home(she is blind) and we were having to watch every move she made to keep from hitting her stuff. I had MIL for three weeks. I had my hubby call his brother to come get her,as I had my fill(she likes to play games and tell me how I run my home wrong). My BIL was instructed to get her the following morning. He did not show until 1:00 that afternoon.

Two months later, SIL, yells at me at daughters party that she didn't understand why I did not keep MIL as she had such a rough life and how difficult it was when they were inthe middle of moving. They had her for three days! When we moved they refused to talk to us and wouldn't help me when hubby moved here six mmonths before I did! Plus they had taken days off to visit local attractions and I had their house move in ready!I wasn't even invited to see the house. I helped SIL get into company she was dying to work for. And then she refused to even tell me when she got hired. I asked BIL what was the big deal on the phone as he had told me secretly. I found out later she was listening in and she left a 5 min. Message on my phone about how it wasn't a secret and her hubby didn't want me to know(HE ALREADDY TOLD ME) she was lying.then they invited us over Thanksgiving. She ended up having to work and they never called to cancel, we just had to assume it was off. They invited us at xmas but I was ticked that I had helped withthe job, the house and not one invite after 7 months. I refused to go. Hubby went without us. This ticked me off, I feel he should have refused after all this. I did email her and told her that I was upset because I had helped her. I also wanted to be able to see my niece. No response.

We just celebrated daughters bday. Niece and daughter got along great. Not to mention this was second year in a row with no invite for nieces bday. Niece and daughter wanted to see movie together,I did not mention the day we would go and SIL says WE ARE BUSY. So now a new movie is coming out so I mailed her book and sent her invite to go see it this weekend. It is a very popular kids book. Got email from BIL thbat niece didn't like book and she wouldn't be going to movie.

I feel my hubby should step up and refuse to do anything with brother until he resolves this.8 do not expect an apology, but SIL waS in wrong about job and MIL and I feel like he should not have went over at xmas knowing all this. We are now on them being here a year and 5 months and I have never been invitedto house. Two years in a row, no invite to niece's party, niece isn't allowed to go any where with us. I think hubby should make a stand and set his brother straight. My feelings have been hurt and I feel I went above and beyond to help them with move and job and SIL thinks she is above us. I want to know if you think I am wrong cause it is causing issues between hubby and I because when they get together, they act like nothing is wrong!
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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tamara24 said:


> Hubby called his bro excited that I had gotten pregnat on my own. BIL, was like why do u want another when u can't handle whaT u got? I was devastated.


I agree this was an insensitive remark, but it's a discussion between brothers and your BIL knew of his issues and ADHD...I am sure BIL was also having a hard time since they were trying to get pregnant and having issues as well. I see what you're saying, but considering the circumstances I would not hold a grudge.



tamara24 said:


> Four years ago we announced we were moving out of state. This really ticked off SIL since they had been planning to move to the same area we did. They came to visit and she made sure to make remarks about my kids health(both were having major medical issues) even saying my daughters issues were related to her home life.My kids are loved dearly and never want for love or attention from me so I took big offense.


This is a strange comment. Did she elaborate on what she meant by home life? I can't imaging saying something like that and not going into specifics.


tamara24 said:


> I had MIL for three weeks. I had my hubby call his brother to come get her,as I had my fill(she likes to play games and tell me how I run my home wrong). My BIL was instructed to get her the following morning. He did not show until 1:00 that afternoon.


That was pretty short notice to give him to pick her up...I don't think a few hours delay should even be an issue.


tamara24 said:


> They invited us at xmas but I was ticked that I had helped withthe job, the house and not one invite after 7 months. I refused to go. Hubby went without us. This ticked me off, I feel he should have refused after all this. I did email her and told her that I was upset because I had helped her. I also wanted to be able to see my niece. No response.


If you do things for others and expect something in return, you may end up disappointed in the end. Sometimes it just feels good to help others without expectations in return...and if you feel you are being taken advantage of, you don't need to volunteer in the future. Since this is family, I would have gone along and let the brothers & cousins visit with one another...even if you are not happy with SIL.

I really think the reason SIL isn't inviting you to her home or sending her child to go places with you is because you have emailed her basically telling her you are upset with her...SILs don't always have a lot in common so she may not be the ideal friend in your eyes, but please don't let that come between your husband's relationship with his brother. I guess I'm not seeing anything overly horrible that would warrant removing them from your lives.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thank you Swedish for replying. Let me clarify a few things.
First, my son had to go to Johns Hopkins and I had MIL the week before we left,plus the two weeks. They had a week notice to get MIL and refused to discuss it until hubby called and said look,she is your mom too, and we have had her three weeks. They had her for three days and she got made over that. My MIL was on my doorstep a week after we moved and I had her for three weeks while I was unpacking. They had three weeks to unpack before they got her for three lousy days.
I know the comment was made about my daughter out of jealousy,my BIL is a pretty good guy,but again,it was a secret(SIL insisited it stay a secret but BIL told us anyway,she still doesn't know that we knew).I don't hold it against him but it was Christmas Eve, we were surprised. And thrilled and that totally ruined it. Hubby did not disclose ADHD diagnosis to BIL until this year.

SIL is known for snotty comments. And if you question her, she takes it out on BIL for weeks so we do not say ANYTHING as we don't have to live with her and don't want BIL to have to hear about it for weeks. She dislikes MIL and anything to do with family. Secretive over stupid things.BIL knows this is stupid and tells us anyway. 

I don't expect gratitude,I did it for my BIL cause he was totally lost and needed help.it has now been a year and a half and I still have not been invited to see the house. Christmas, I was mad that BIL knew she lied and instead telling her to stop,he just let her go on. She emailed me a two page email on how she was respecting BIL wash for her not to tell me about her getting the job.(he had already told me two weeks earlier)that is when I replied that it upset me when I did nothing wrong. In fact the reason I had asked why she didn't tell me was because I was sending her a card to congratulate her.
We weren't sisters before we all moved her and I certainly didn't expect to see them every weekend. But I just saw my niece for the first time in over a year and that was six months before the drama. The second year we have not been invited to our nieces bday. 
I just expect some respect and don't feel that this is how you treat people that help you out. My hubby talked to BIL and he was like we are going to invite you out in Feb.and no invite at all. My BIL will come here and I fix him dinners and such as SIL does not cook and he is responsible for his own food. I know he doesn't eat well, so I try to make something he likes when he comes over. The past few times he is here by I in the am. And tries to find things to do here so he doesn't have to go home. That tells us things right there, but if she is the one putting her foot down, he needs to stand up for his family.
I am just tired of hubby not wanting to say anything. I don't like that my niece can't come see us. Both of my kids, even with special needs have straight A's and my son wins science fair four years in a row my daughter has won three big awards for her studies. I don't think I am doing something wrong that they need to fear for her safety in our care,my gosh we have dealt with almost every crisis a kid could have!when SIL last two visits, she started listening at the door to listen to what my daughter and hers were discussing. I confronted her as what would an 8 and 9 year old be so terribly bad discussing. She ignored me. But that is very offensive!
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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The additional info. better paints the picture! Sounds like you have a solid relationship with your h and his BIL other than being frustrated that they don't confront SIL. But really, that is up to your BIL whether he says something or not to his wife...and up to your brother whether he says something to BIL...they both probably feel they'd rather keep things as is rather than rock that boat...guessing they have their own ideas on how that would work out (lots of conflict & in the end won't change SIL only cause more problems) where you may feel confrontation is the only way to try to change the situation (which may or may not work in the end)...Frustrating, I know, but really, if you feel so strongly, you should be the one confronting her ... and really try not to let your issues with your SIL damage your own relationship with your h and BIL.

If you do decide to confront her, just be clear on what you expect from it...since you are 'family' I would suggest saying that you are disappointed you rarely see your goddaughter and talk about your expectations in that regard...I would seriously avoid saying anything like 'we will not be part of your life unless you do this or that...' because it will put a strain on the relationship of two brothers that really don't want to be part of an ultimatum...at that point it becomes a battle of who's wife gets their way...I'd seriously take the high road and just realize SIL is not you and may never change in the way you'd like.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Thank you again.
I know I will never be best friends with SIL. In fact, I think she has all the money to be safe and secure and has a huge house with all new furniture and yet she is jealous that I had her dream job before she did, I was moved before her and I feel that she very jealous of my daughter. My niece is cute and does not want for a single thing. In fact they have a closet filled with surprises so when she has a good day she can pick from the closet. My daughter, has medical issues,adhd and eating disorder from wrong meds,but she is in the honors program, earned a medal for best reader in her school. She is pretty,not that I am saying that to be sound ****y. We have been approached in malls and pagaent people for my daughter to model. I think that is what bugs my SIL. Her daughter. May have money, but mine has the looks. Do you know what I mean?I could care less. After struggling to have my kids,I apppreciate each one for their own gifts and I certainly believe intelligence is highly more important than looks. My niece has her own special gifts too and I think she would benefit from having a family environment. They are not very touchy feely people but when I had my niece in the past she loved the hugs and giggles when we baked cookies or rice krispy treats.
I agree that I should not make an ultimatum with the guys and I will not prevent them from doing things together. I am angry that my hubby did not stand up for me when I was getting attackedby SIL for nothing. Then BIL let's her keep attacking me. It hurts my feelings that BIL would treat me this way about being invited to the house and such. I live thirty minutes away! Not to mention, my friend that painted his house finds it funny that I set all that up and everytime, we were in line to pick kids up, he would say hey, did you see my paint job yet? Hehe! This went on the whole school year. It was embarrssing! It aggrevates me that hubby doesn't say look, you are treating my wife badly. Instead they both act like we live in happy town when they get together and never rock the boat.I am frustrated with it!
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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

I'd love to share my opinions about the relationship with my B&S in laws. We have terrific relationship because we only meet once a year! The rest of time they would email photos of my lovely nephew and we don't talk about personal things. We would leave greetings or short messages on each other's facebook but we rarely chat. We exchange gifts when we meet once a year. We never have an argument nor a conflict. We never ask each other for help nor talk about very personal issues. Simply respect with distance, not too far but not too close.
My F&M in laws are very great parents. I can tell you how much I love them as my own parents. We are very close.
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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I think it will end up like that. I saddens me to know that no matter what I do, I will never get to be the aunt that I want to be. I don't care to even get together after the latest ordeal. 

I know that I will not tell my hubby that he can't see his brother,but I do not have to be present for this. They can meet and I do not need to worry about the ordeal of the SIL. 

I think BIL will contnue to ignore the issue cause hubby and him are the same and can not handle confrontation, even if it is nice.
I think he will get the point with the hoildays coming up and I do not plan to send anymore gifts other than nieces bday and Christmas gifts. I hate doing it like that because she already has everything money can buy her and I don't want her looking at us as the gift express. 
I wish my FIL and MIL got along. I think that is why hubby and BIL are like they are. MIL and FIL cannot stand the sight of each other,so you have to make plans to see them seperately. You have to have seperate parties. Now that we moved MIL sends kids emails and presents and very involved with what the kids are doing.She plays games and loves to tell you everything she thinks you are doing wrong and how she would do it.But I would never say that she was not good to my kids.FIL barely has seen them ten times in 12 years, could not even tell you our kids favorite color.
That is the other thing that gripes me. SIL can NOT stand FIL, yet he loves her to death because she buys them flavored coffees from a really expensive store and ships it to them with other wonderful gifts. Since we have been dealing with family medical stuff, our present giving has been slim for all adults involved and limited to kids. I still send a card though. FIL finds this insulting and SIL is eating up all the new found attention. Even has niece calling them Grandma and Grandpa bubbles because they sent niece a bottle of bubbles once.I laugh knowing the things she has said about them and then FIL has to make a snide comment on how his other son's family provides so much love. If he only knew! 

Thanks for the opinions, I needed to vent and just wanted to know if I am wrong in expecting hubby to side with me concerning the way I am being treated about the no invites and love the iece from afar. 

I also wanted to mention that after not being invited to nieces bday again this year, I decided they would not be getting invite from me for my daughter's bday. Hubby said, lets take higher road and invite them so we can at least say we did. We invite them and they show up! SIL barely spoke to me but talked to the kids and my hubby and when we start to leave the resturant, she says thank you to my hubby for dinner. Hello, I planned and invited! Talk about confusing signals.....


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