# Let the past go?



## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him. 

He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line. 

Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


I'm assuming the 'kind of friendly' you mean overt flirting? 

You don't want to ruin this relationship because you _think_ he might be flirting with you.

Though you don't want to remain silent if that is his intent.

A little more detail on his behavior might better help people to advise you.

TBH for me personally I received a call, message, or text about this, it would be devastating and put me on alert - I'd start looking for red flags and digging. But other women when confronted with this sort of information can bury their head in the sand or instead blame the whistleblower and not the culprit. 

So I'm with you on the unsure on how to move forward. Any more information you can share?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


 IF the past is present then you must prepare yourself to the fact that his behavior is now becoming directed at you. I would first tell him of his outwardly approach to you and if the activity does not cease then move to the next step. For now, take the path of least resistance.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If the guy flat out hits on you and tries to bed you, then tell his wife. Otherwise, leave it alone. You never know - they guy may have changed or is trying to be a better man. Same advise if the genders were reversed btw.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. *I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line. *
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


that.girl...

Some of us here know exactly who you are referring to (another TAM member) and followed the semi-wierd exchange between the two of you on another thread.

My advice: Let sleeping dogs lie. My take is he only wanted to see you to resolve PAST issues; not to "hook up" with you again. If I'm wrong or out of line, I'm sorry -- call me out on it. My interpretation was that he hoped TAM members would help the two of you resolve any past hurts.

Relationships that ended, ended for a reason. That's it. They are OVER.

Let this one go. No need to ruin someone's current life because of old baggage.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> that.girl...
> 
> Some of us here know exactly who you are referring to (another TAM member) and followed the semi-wierd exchange between the two of you on another thread.
> 
> ...


$hit. Now you have me curious.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

If it was an overt pass at you, tell him he needs stop it or you will be telling his wife. I've done this in the past. The first time I was like, "wait, what just happened???" Second time a couple weeks later, I sent him a very firm email the next morning. He apologized and it never happened again. His wife still does not know, and she'd be devastated if she knew, given the relationship she and I have.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


He's trying to get kind of friendly with you, he's a proven cheater, and you don't know if he's faithful? You do know. You're not sure if getting friendly with him would be out of line? You do know and you know that it is way out of line considering his past.

You haven't done anything wrong, yet. If he continues to contact you and gets "friendlier" and you don't cut him off and notify her, then you've done something wrong.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> If it was an overt pass at you, tell him he needs stop it or you will be telling his wife. I've done this in the past. The first time I was like, "wait, what just happened???" Second time a couple weeks later, I sent him a very firm email the next morning. He apologized and it never happened again. His wife still does not know, and she'd be devastated if she knew, given the relationship she and I have.


Unfortunately for his wife he'll just move on to the next target. At least you can take comfort in that you won't be a party in it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I would put him on ignore.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


If he makes a play for you definitely

He will of course say its an old jealous GF but at least she's had her first heads up of possibly many to come


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Mrs Chai said:


> I'm assuming the 'kind of friendly' you mean overt flirting?
> 
> You don't want to ruin this relationship because you _think_ he might be flirting with you.
> 
> ...



Good post. In my case when OMW blew the whole thing wide open I got calls from a few people who said "who is this horrible woman?" referring to her when she told them what her husband and my wife had been doing. Many called her a liar, b!tch, crazy woman, etc.

She's a BS's hero. She destroyed her ex and darn near destroyed my wife. She did destroy my wife's career. She told everyone, and I mean everyone. The very first person she told was me on the very night she discovered what was going on. She screamed what they had done right in my front yard for all to hear. Neighbors were coming out to see what was going on. Eventually police showed up. It was quite a scene. My wife upon realizing what was happening ran into our bedroom and locked herself in. I stood there like a deer in the headlights. This woman laid it all out then fell to her knees and sobbed with a sorrow I had literally never seen in another human being before. I didn't do anything but stand there. I couldn't process what was going on. It was like I had detached from my body and was watching this in a movie. The only other time in my life when I felt that way was the first firefight I was in during the gulf war.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> She's a BS's hero. She destroyed her ex and darn near destroyed my wife. She did destroy my wife's career.


Isn't that destructive to you, too? If divorced, doesn't that mean you end up having to pay your cheating wife alimony and more child support because your wife can't get a job? If reconciled, doesn't that mean you are now the sole financial support for your family? 

How is that good for you as the BS to the point you consider OMW a hero?

that.girl, I suspect you'd be better off in the end if you stay out of it. I don't see the upside for you if you tell his wife of past deeds. Unless he's propositioning you now, I'd just back off and let them deal with their own marriage.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> Good post. In my case when OMW blew the whole thing wide open I got calls from a few people who said "who is this horrible woman?" referring to her when she told them what her husband and my wife had been doing. Many called her a liar, b!tch, crazy woman, etc.
> 
> She's a BS's hero. She destroyed her ex and darn near destroyed my wife. She did destroy my wife's career. She told everyone, and I mean everyone. The very first person she told was me on the very night she discovered what was going on. She screamed what they had done right in my front yard for all to hear. Neighbors were coming out to see what was going on. Eventually police showed up. It was quite a scene. My wife upon realizing what was happening ran into our bedroom and locked herself in. I stood there like a deer in the headlights. This woman laid it all out then fell to her knees and sobbed with a sorrow I had literally never seen in another human being before. I didn't do anything but stand there. I couldn't process what was going on. It was like I had detached from my body and was watching this in a movie. The only other time in my life when I felt that way was the first firefight I was in during the gulf war.


I would add her to my Christmas card list ad infinitum ... reminding her of her courage and integrity, and your gratitude.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

norajane said:


> Isn't that destructive to you, too? If divorced, doesn't that mean you end up having to pay your cheating wife alimony and more child support because your wife can't get a job? If reconciled, doesn't that mean you are now the sole financial support for your family?
> 
> How is that good for you as the BS to the point you consider OMW a hero?


The price of integrity is steep sometimes.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

so tell your H an old cheating BF wants to friend you. what the hell do you think his response would be.

surprised your judgement is so weak here.

of course stay away. no good can possibly come of this.

stay in touch and his W will be here on TAM CWI hating you. let her hate someone else. hope he has no diseases. ladies do hate genital herpes.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Q tip said:


> so tell your H an old cheating BF wants to friend you. what the hell do you think his response would be.
> 
> surprised your judgement is so weak here.
> 
> ...


that.girl... did you already know badsanta was HERE on TAM? Is THAT why you're here too?!

Sad... and VERY coincidental...

Leave him and his WIFE and his marriage alone. Are you still feeling unresolved GUILT for *releasing the hamsters to their death?!?!*


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. * I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. *But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?



Good lord what is it with people sticking their noses in other people's lives?

No, stay out of the exBF's marriage. What happened in his past is HIS past. Even if you think he is likely screwing several other women presently, it is none of your business!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> that.girl... did you already know badsanta was HERE on TAM? Is THAT why you're here too?!
> 
> Sad... and VERY coincidental...
> 
> Leave him and his WIFE and his marriage alone. Are you still feeling unresolved GUILT for *releasing the hamsters to their death?!?!*


That's right! What happened to those poor hamsters? That was just mean!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> That's right! What happened to those poor hamsters? That was just mean!


They probably became cat food, poor things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> They probably became cat food, poor things.


My guinnea pig was eaten by a fox last summer. Broke my heart. I usually left him outside during the warmer months. He loved it and never strayed too far and came to me when I called for him. Our cat and dog even hung out with him.

One morning I went out to the patio and found clumps of his fur. Called him but he never came. Heard from a neighbor she had seen a fox carrying a black and white furry thing that was clearly dead. 

I really like that little cavvy!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

that.girl...

this is honestly, the WORST of the worst I've seen here on TAM.

Are you a stalker?! Did you KNOW that badsanta was here? Are you h*llbent on destroying his marriage to "get back" at him?

Sure, go ahead, tell his wife. At the end of the day, will YOU be able to SLEEP (knowing you sent at least 20 hamsters to their death AND destroyed a marriage?!) All the while, the "cheat-ee" is in the middle of a sex change operation (according to you) to "transition" from Chrissy to Chris.

Not sure I believe Chrissy is "transitioning." Just another way to stick a dagger in the heart of badsanta.

My advice? Seek counseling and see why you hold such a grudge. Don't blame badsanta for the fact that your deviated septum made you blow snot rockets all over your sexual partners.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


Move on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> that.girl...
> 
> this is honestly, the WORST of the worst I've seen here on TAM.
> 
> ...



IDK...hamsters not withstanding... I don't see her stalking him. How the hell would she know he was here? This seems extraordinary but I have heard of another member who was identified by a b!tchy friend who then got all up in her marriage business.

I shudder to think if people in my real life could read my private business. It's one thing to say these things in an anonymous way but damn...if people I knew knew this sh!t? No thank you!


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> that.girl...
> 
> this is honestly, the WORST of the worst I've seen here on TAM.
> 
> ...



Stalking. Hamster genocide. There's obviously way more to this story than what's being told on this thread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


I would let it go. If something bad is happening now, that could use some scrutiny.

I would love to bump into some former GFs and apologize for my idiot behavior. I am not the same man at 43 that I was at 19 or 20.

I was just thinking about this yesterday. There is a woman whose heart I absolutely broke about 24-25 years ago. She was beautiful and wonderful and I treated her like trash.

It haunts me to this day and I still sometimes cry about it.

If I had the chance to talk to her today, I would pour my heart out with how terrible I feel about it and ask for her forgiveness.

Thing is, I am absolutely transparent with Mrs. Conan. She knows everything already and, if given the chance, she would approve of me and my former GF making amends.

Both of us have done things that were terrible in our pasts. We still hurt for what we were but we are much different people today.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I agree with the others here. I would try to decide very carefully if what he has done so far since being in contact with you again would constitute a clear boundary violation as a married man, completely independently of what you know about him from your prior history together. If you feel so inclined, you could even play along with whatever it is he is doing that is making you feel like maybe he is trying to be "friendly" with you, just to see where he takes it.

Otherwise, yeah, his wife getting a phone call from you about this could set off an explosive episode in their marriage, so you want to be positive. Since it is certainly possible that he hasn't cheated within his marriage at all, and that his contact with you is innocent, you don't want to risk sinking his marriage unless you're pretty darn confident that this is real.

Can you describe in detail what he is doing now that leads you to feel like he is trying to get "friendly" with you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> IDK...hamsters not withstanding... I don't see her stalking him. How the hell would she know he was here? This seems extraordinary but I have heard of another member who was identified by a b!tchy friend who then got all up in her marriage business.
> 
> I shudder to think if people in my real life could read my private business. It's one thing to say these things in an anonymous way but damn...if people I knew knew this sh!t? No thank you!


Too late for me. People in my circle already know I'm a freak!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Too late for me. People in my circle already know I'm a freak!


True, my two BFF's know everything. But not everyone has the luxury and blessing of 40 year old friendships. BFF's since we were 12 on one and 15 on the other. And we're all crazy!


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Sorry guys, some days it's hard for me to post from work. 

I want to clarify a few things -

I did not kill any hamsters. I told him I set them free, but really i just gave them away. Mean and petty, i know, but i was young and stupid and hurt. 

I am not stalking anybody. I joined this site in August to work through my divorce. I definitely was not expecting to run across an old flame, and I'm a little freaked out by it. 

He's been PMing me wanting to meet up and "talk it out." He's kind of flirty, keeps saying how much he missed me, wanting to watch this really kinky video we made together... while he hasn't exactly tried to talk me into bed, I really get the feeling he's headed there. 

I don't want to destroy an innocent man's marriage. But if i was married to a guy like that, I'd want to know. Especially since he's been flirting with me since yesterday. 

And the snot rocket comment was kind of mean. I know i have medical issues, but i can't exactly afford rhinoplasty.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

that.girl said:


> He's been PMing me wanting to meet up and "talk it out." He's kind of flirty, keeps saying how much he missed me, wanting to watch this really kinky video we made together... while he hasn't exactly tried to talk me into bed, I really get the feeling he's headed there.


Oh yeah, he's a snake of the lowest form. I'd expose him from the highest roof tops. The person who exposes is never in the wrong. The truth shall set you free.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

that.girl said:


> Sorry guys, some days it's hard for me to post from work.
> 
> I want to clarify a few things -
> 
> ...


If the makes you feel uncomfortable, then I think it's best to cut all contact with him. If he insists on contacting you after you asked him to stop, then tell his wife that he won't leave you alone. I wouldn't go into all of your history, because it seems like there is a lot of unresolved crap between you two. But deal with what is in front of you only. Anything beyond that is speculative, because the guy may be more quirky and possibly have poor boundaries but may not in his heart of hearts want to cheat on his wife. Who knows? We have no idea.

But I know when you deal only in the present and address only what issues are cropping up today, you'll be fine.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I just want to say thanks to everyone for their support.

I still have a lot of feelings for that.girl and do not know what to do. My wife does not give me much attention anymore these days, and this whole thing seems like a Valentines destiny come true for me. I always think about the times we were together and have wanted to find her and tell her how much I still care about her.

I really just don't know what to do!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

This site has meant so much to me and I am seriously thinking of becoming a forum supporter if you guys can help out my cause and convince that.girl to give me a second chance?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

badsanta said:


> This site has meant so much to me and I am seriously thinking of becoming a forum supporter if you guys can help out my cause and convince that.girl to give me a second chance?


If you really want that.girl and not your wife that's fine as long as you let your wife off the hook. Tell her the truth and let her move on.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You two need to take a break for the weekend. Get some space and think it over. No one posts over the weekend anyway. We all post during the day when we're supposed to be working!

Ever noticed that? Monday's seem to be the most populated day here at TAM.

BadSanta, how do you think your wife would feel you flirting with another woman? Don't be a d!ck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> If you really want that.girl and not your wife that's fine as long as you let your wife off the hook. Tell her the truth and let her move on.


I have wanted to talk to her so many time, but I can not build up the courage. I just need closure and feel like it is something I can explore without telling her. 

I do not like the idea of someone else raising my kids or having to pay child support.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You two need to take a break for the weekend. Get some space and think it over. No one posts over the weekend anyway. We all post during the day when we're supposed to be working!
> 
> Ever noticed that? Monday's seem to be the most populated day here at TAM.
> 
> BadSanta, how do you think your wife would feel you flirting with another woman? Don't be a d!ck!


Thanks Anon!

I think you are right and I just need to set everything aside for a while and think about it.

Your advise has always been helpful, and I know i can be a d!ck sometimes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What the......


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Dude you've got some [email protected] coming to CWI forum as a WH and asking people to help you start an EA with an XGF.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> Dude you've got some [email protected] coming to CWI forum as a WH and asking people to help you start an EA with an XGF.


Thanks for saying this. I'm trying to keep my tongue in check but you're absolutely right. If he and that.girl really want each other then at least have the decency to come clean with everyone, end any other relationships they may be involved with, and ride off into the sunset. Don't, however, cheat.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I just want to say thanks to everyone for their support.
> 
> I still have a lot of feelings for that.girl and do not know what to do. My wife does not give me much attention anymore these days, and this whole thing seems like a Valentines destiny come true for me. I always think about the times we were together and have wanted to find her and tell her how much I still care about her.
> 
> I really just don't know what to do!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nqcgUDoV_M

If your wife doesn't pay you any attention anymore, then you need to change that dynamic. If you cannot change it and you determined that you cannot live your life that way, divorce and find what you want. You know it's wrong to pursue it, so do the right thing and cut all contact and work on the marriage. There is no ambiguity here. There is no gray area here.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

badsanta said:


> This site has meant so much to me and I am seriously thinking of becoming a forum supporter if you guys can help out my cause and convince that.girl to give me a second chance?


Seriously? Have you cracked, no one is going to help you have an affair. Get off of this site, forget about that.girl and work things out with your wife. If your marriage crumbles then be honest and make an orderly exit.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

That.girl do you see a pattern here? It took Badsanta a nano second to decide to jettison his family to work it out with you. He does not even know you or who you are now and he does not care. Badsanta is thinking about himself and what he can get out of you. You just got out of a miserable marriage to a selfish man, don't get caught up with another one. 

I don't think TAM is a safe place for you to work on your post D issues. You need a lot of help to sharpen up your picker. Pick a man who knows you and loves you for yourself and not what you can do for him. Don't get involved with married men in any way. 

Don't talk to BS. By talking to him, you help him stay in his marriage. That what he wants to use you for, a little side action to help him say married. You are worth more than that. Break all contact, refuse to be used. Stay away from selfish, deceptive men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hang in there Bad. I like you a lot and can tell your going through some shyt but let's keep it real.

It is good you're being honest here but slow down and take stock.

I don't have much time right now but I will take a lot of time for you soon. You have always struck me as very caring and you seriously make me laugh!

Take care brother. Hearts can lead us to destruction if we let them.

You rock too that.girl. This is extraordinarily strange, no? &#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

that.girl said:


> I recently ran across an old boyfriend that i hadn't spoken to in several years. Our relationship ended because i caught him cheating with a friend of mine, and found out that this cheating was a pattern of behavior for him.
> 
> He is now married. I don't know if he's been faithful or not, but i know he's been trying to get kind of friendly with me. I kind of feel like i should warn his wife about his past behavior. But since i don't know if he's ever messed around on her, I'm not sure if that would be out of line.
> 
> Should i say anything to her, or leave the past in the past?


*That-G: I'd greatly say to just let sleeping dogs lie ~ unless of course, he actually does try putting the moves on you ~ at which point I'd have no hesitation whatsoever in informing his old lady about the past ~ and the present!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Q tip said:


> so tell your H an old cheating BF wants to friend you. what the hell do you think his response would be.
> 
> surprised your judgement is so weak here.
> 
> ...


The OP is not married.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Hang in there Bad. I like you a lot and can tell your going through some shyt but let's keep it real.
> 
> It is good you're being honest here but slow down and take stock.
> 
> ...


I always liked badsanta too (still do btw). But there's no reason to sugar coat it or treat him with kid gloves. He's acting like a douche rocket and needs to course correct.

ETA: If badsanta was never a TAM member, and that.girl talked about him without the benefit of us knowing him prior... how would he be perceived? This is a good lesson for all of us on TAM for both the "tar and pitchfork" crowd as well as the "see the good in all" crowd. We don't know who people really are sometimes, and that cuts both ways.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I always liked badsanta too (still do btw). But there's no reason to sugar coat it or treat him with kid gloves. He's acting like a douche rocket and needs to course correct.
> 
> ETA: If badsanta was never a TAM member, and that.girl talked about him without the benefit of us knowing him prior... how would he be perceived? This is a good lesson for all of us on TAM for both the "tar and pitchfork" crowd as well as the "see the good in all" crowd. We don't know who people really are sometimes, and that cuts both ways.


I absolutely agree but I have helped people in his situation more than once. I don't take it easy but he is exhibiting signs of emotional breakdown.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And if BadSanta's W were posting, I would be advising some strong protocol. Hell yeah he has crossed a line! But I have stayed good friends with cheaters that have reformed.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

badsanta said:


> I have wanted to talk to her so many time, but I can not build up the courage. I just need closure and feel like it is something I can explore without telling her.
> 
> I do not like the idea of someone else raising my kids or having to pay child support.


Holy cow man. I mean... WOW. 

Do you see what you are saying? You are in a "Coping with Infidelity" forum, full of betrayed spouses at every turn, telling us how you feel entitled to exploring a relationship with someone else behind your wife's back. Do you have any idea how absolutely disgusting that is?

Further, do you see what she is saying about you here? That you're creeping her out, that she feels you are a serial cheater (you're proving it here too btw), to the point that she feels compelled to inform your wife how much of a crappy partner you are?

Then to top it off, you clarify that you do not want to see another man potentially raise your children while having to pay child support? Do you see how conflicting these statements are? You want to explore a relationship with another woman but you don't want to see your wife find a man of character and see him raise your kids? Can you see how incredibly selfish this all is?


There is just no way this is really happening. This must be a fake troll here or something. I mean, if you are real, then I'm sorry, but wow, you need to run back to your wife and let her know that you aren't worthy of her loyalty.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> There is just no way this is really happening. This must be a fake troll here or something. I mean, if you are real, then I'm sorry, but wow, you need to run back to your wife and let her know that you aren't worthy of her loyalty.


No he is not a troll but I do agree with your comments.

BadSanta needs to start being real with his wife and with himself.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This also gives insight into who a poster really is. Badsanta says he wants to work things out with his wife and makes her out to be the problem. But given what just occurred, is she? 

He needs to tell his wife about this, now. That's authenticity and intimacy. He is having problems? If he cannot go to his wife with a serious problem like this that he is being deceptive. He is not sincerely willing to do the hard work to improve his marriage. 

Badsanta may be looking for an easy way out that brings as little inconvenience to him and risk the stability of his kids and his wife. All for a person he does not know and who has done nothing for him. 

Would anyone want a spouse who went ape-sh!t over an ex to kept it from them?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How did BadSanta find (recognise) that.girl on this forum? Disturbing?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

It all started with this post from that.girl. 



that.girl said:


> The guy i was referencing in that post couldn't make it more than thirty seconds (and I'm not exaggerating).
> 
> He was also totally crazy, but that's another story.


Followed up with badsanta responding something about he had that problem once with an ex and she had some kind of thumb sucking issue which caused her to blow snot on him when they kissed. And something about hamsters. 

It seems highly unlikely to me, but what do I know.

ETA: The most confusing part for me is how badsanta went from being a regular poster to only having like 20 posts or something. Did he go through and manually delete each one of his prior posts?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> It all started with this post from that.girl.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's honestly what I am thinking, in an attempt to cover up anything he's said that might embarrass him or make him appear less than desirable to that.girl. I can't blame him though, I know I have considered exactly the same thing if my wife were to come to this forum. (I know that.girl isn't his wife, but I bet he did it for the same reason)

Edit: Yep, that's what happened. See below:



badsanta said:


> We exchanged some harsh words last night and well.... long story short I went back and deleted ALL the posts as I kind of feel the need to protect my privacy a little at the moment with things I have said in the past about my wife and family.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Got a moment now. Agree with Personal. Contact between that.girl and BadSanta should be nixed but Bad needs to keep posting what is going on with him to get help.

Start a thread BadSanta and expect help but not towards that.girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Interesting. Sincerely, thanks for the thread T.G.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I know I've spoken poorly of BadSanta, but deep down he's not such a bad guy. He's a little odd, but it's kind of cute once you get used to it. We've definitely both got some issues we need to work out. 

Please PM me, Santa. We really need to talk about that video.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

that.girl said:


> Sorry guys, some days it's hard for me to post from work.
> 
> I want to clarify a few things -
> 
> ...


Oh... Dear... Lord! 

*He wants you to watch a really kinky video you made together?*

*In the name of Odin's socks, yes. yes! You need to tell his wife! Not soon. But Now!*

I hope I made my point as succinctly as possible?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This just went off the rails! Bad idea that.girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

This ain't real. No way a man who is a serial cheater ends up on a site seeking advice on infidelity. And by chance meets up with a girl he misses! No way!

My 'man' researches everything. Anything he wishes to find out he looks it up. I still have no chance of him ever coming on this site and reading up about infidelity. Why? Because he is an unremorseful man. And he has no intention of change. Therefore he has no reason to research what he needs to do to solve the problem and no reason to research what the effects are of what he did. He has no interest! No man (or woman ) would ever come to this site unless they were searching for answers. Either to deal with a cheating partner or to help a partner who was struggling from their betrayal. He is not either.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

WTF?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I always liked badsanta too (still do btw). But there's no reason to sugar coat it or treat him with kid gloves. He's acting like a *douche rocket* and needs to course correct.
> 
> ETA: If badsanta was never a TAM member, and that.girl talked about him without the benefit of us knowing him prior... how would he be perceived? This is a good lesson for all of us on TAM for both the "tar and pitchfork" crowd as well as the "see the good in all" crowd. We don't know who people really are sometimes, and that cuts both ways.


Hi Plan, 

Well you are exactly right. I was indeed being a *douche rocket*, and thanks for sticking up for me. That.girl and I exchanged phone numbers Friday and made plans to see each other again for valentines. We went to our favorite restaurant in downtown Nashville, which was Joes Crab Shack. We then went to Lonnie's Western Room because that was where we first met and she wanted me to sing for her. Then as the night heated up we were headed back to her place to have sex and then she got a sudden phone call about some big family emergency and had to leave. She gave me a huge kiss (I mean WOW!), and handed me a gift wrapped present that she said included a certain DVD that I was interested in. She made me promise to not open it and watch it until I was home and she could be on the phone with me.

...So I get home VERY LATE and the wife and kids were already asleep. I called her as I was opening her gift and anxiously sitting in front of my DVD player. I open it and inside is a valentines card. I open it and find the following:

I told your wife everything! (our DVD was smashed into pieces and glued back together in the shape of a broken heart)

PS: Lonnie's has a live webcam​
That.girl then told me on the phone to never ever call her again and that she hated cheaters like me, and that she was done with this website because the only thing here are broken people like me. She then hung up. 

So I did not sleep last night thinking today would be horrible with my wife about confronting me attempting to cheat on her with my old girl friend. What has been eerily strange is that my wife is acting like everything is completely normal. I am thinking that for valentines that that.girl wanted me to be scared straight and that her true valentines gift is a second chance with my wife and that she did not tell her anything. Now that the day has gone by normal (even made love today), and I am pretty sure she does not know I am going to put this whole thing behind me and be a better person.

Anyway, I wanted to apologize to everyone on this site for not listening to you guys, I should have never tried to get together with that.girl again. Perhaps this site is what saved me, and she took most people's advice not to say anything and let the past be the past.

Thanks everyone and I wish you well! I need to just go focus on being a great dad and husband! :smthumbup:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If this is a real. 

Oh you live under the same bridge still? Lucky you. BTW, this is an unkind way to pay back the people who have tried to help you. Do you do this IRL? Better work on that. Good luck.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Dude...

This is probably a first for me, but I really wish your wife had found out so that you could be dealing with the true ramifications of what you have done. I can't believe that you've learned a true long-term lesson here, having gotten out of this without consequences again. I'm sure the scare felt real, but it lasted less than 24 hours. I wouldn't suggest that "That.Girl" might return someday, but what happens when another ex comes along, or just a new pretty face who is willing to flirt with you? I can't for a second believe that you won't be flirting back or engaging inappropriately with her, especially now that you've been taught that you can get away with it.

There is really nothing you could say to me that would convince me otherwise, so there is no reason to respond here. If you feel like I'm wrong, just prove it to yourself and your wife by counting your lucky stars and avoiding interacting with other women alone from here on out.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Funny how the acronym for BadSanta is BS just like this whole story...

I lost interest after he said his favorite restaurant was Joe's Crab Shack.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I just want to say thanks to everyone for their support.
> 
> I still have a lot of feelings for that.girl and do not know what to do. My wife does not give me much attention anymore these days, and this whole thing seems like a Valentines destiny come true for me. I always think about the times we were together and have wanted to find her and tell her how much I still care about her.
> 
> I really just don't know what to do!


On the contrary. You know _exactly_ what to do. But sadly seem compelled to forever do the exact opposite of what you know you should do.

Counselling might help you with this problem.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

nice avatar


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Funny how the acronym for BadSanta is BS just like this whole story...
> 
> I lost interest after he said his favorite restaurant was Joe's Crab Shack.


huh? thats a restaurant? never could figure out the smell when I drive by to get some real food.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BetrayedDad said:


> Funny how the acronym for BadSanta is BS just like this whole story...
> 
> I lost interest after he said his favorite restaurant was Joe's Crab Shack.


I've been to that Joe's in Nashville, it's a dive.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Bs = tg?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Haven't read the entire thread, but from your original post I'd say this guy is bad news. Always remember, he's a former bf for a good reason, probably been "hunting quail" for years. Why should he stop just because he's married? If he's flirting with you, you know perfectly well what he's after (and it's NOT your outlook on life or your reaction to who won the Superbowl.) Unless there's a very good reason to be in contact with him, best to ignore him. He'll keep it up for awhile, predators always do, but when he finally realizes he's not going to bed you and make you just another notch on his bedpost, he'll move on to another victim. Honestly, these guys are a dime a dozen. It never ceases to amaze me how successful some of them are at seducing women. :scratchhead: At least you're onto his little game.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> Good post. In my case when OMW blew the whole thing wide open I got calls from a few people who said "who is this horrible woman?" referring to her when she told them what her husband and my wife had been doing. Many called her a liar, b!tch, crazy woman, etc.
> 
> She's a BS's hero. She destroyed her ex and darn near destroyed my wife. She did destroy my wife's career. She told everyone, and I mean everyone. The very first person she told was me on the very night she discovered what was going on. She screamed what they had done right in my front yard for all to hear. Neighbors were coming out to see what was going on. Eventually police showed up. It was quite a scene. My wife upon realizing what was happening ran into our bedroom and locked herself in. I stood there like a deer in the headlights. This woman laid it all out then fell to her knees and sobbed with a sorrow I had literally never seen in another human being before. I didn't do anything but stand there. I couldn't process what was going on. It was like I had detached from my body and was watching this in a movie. *The only other time in my life when I felt that way was the first firefight I was in during the gulf war*.



Thank you for your service...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

thummper said:


> *Haven't read the entire thread,* but from your original post I'd say this guy is bad news....


Really?? Haven't read it yet?

That's too bad, because it happens to be the craziest fawkin thread I've read in quite some time. 

Crazy...and only 5 pages long so far...how could you NOT read it?

This thread is shaking it's own head in disbelief.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Really?? Haven't read it yet?
> 
> That's too bad, because it happens to be the craziest fawkin thread I've read in quite some time.
> 
> ...


Yep, Tulsy, I went back and read it from the beginning. Geeze, what a mess! Unbelievable!!! The last thing she needs, while trying to work through a divorce, is to get mixed up with this guy. He needs to go home and spend some time with his wife, and not be puttin' the move on another female. Just my opinion.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Wow I can't believe this sham thread and actors in it are still alive on TAM. Isn't there a long time poster that_girl (with an underscore rather than a period). Presumably this is a completely different person. Wouldn't be so happy if i were her.


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