# I can't drive on highway. He is mad now.



## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I got my license about 7 years ago. I do enjoy driving on roads I know - especially in our small town but when it comes to huge cities and busy traffic- I am lost.
My husband knows this very well. He always drives and even when I asked before to drive, he said he is ok to do it.

Next month, he needs go to the airport 3 hours from our town. I asked if he can get someone whom he is usually helping, because I don't feel confident enough to make it home on my own. I can do 2 line roads, but when it comes to 4-line highways and very busy traffic, I am scared. I feel confused and unable to function well. I never drove in that city on my own. I told him I am afraid I will cause an accident or will hurt myself. I was just honest. 

Our - his best friend told me I am being ridiculous and having just stupid excuses for not doing it.
But this is not like I don't want to - I would love to ,but at the same time I have no confidence to do so. I am not that good at driving. I still have problems in small cities not just the big ones. He said, he would not drive me next time I need to go to airport neither.

At this point, I just cry. But how can I be able to drive that far in that kind of traffic on my own, if I didn't learn it when someone is actually with me?
I guess I am just being selfish for thinking more of my and someone else safety, than to help him.
My husband and I don't talk because of this. He actually point out how bad driver I am last night, and suddenly I am ready to go anywhere.
What should I do?

Edit:
To explain my situation better - I did not cry front of him. He actually has not idea I cried. I just felt really pressured by his friend and then by him. I cried when I was alone bc I felt useless.

We do have two cars but mine has better gas mileage. He will be gone for about two weeks and does not want to pay for parking. So yes, 12 hours of driving, 2 days off of my work are "better" option.

I chose to go and try even though I feel no confidence about that. Just like someone else mentioned - 18-wheelers intimidate me and fast pace on the road. I feel like I can't make fast decisions under that pressure. I guess, it takes practice.

What gets me though is that my H already drove some people to airport and maybe those same people could do same favor to him. He always complains about my driving skills or won't let me drive when I asked him to. I asked him many times, he did not let me.
Also, this problem did not bother him that much until his best friend did not start pushing him as well.

My H can get short commute flight from city one hour from us for $35 to get to his main flight. He won't bother with that. He thinks it is better to drive 6 hours- for me- than for him spend one extra hour in airplane. Is that fair??? He did not bother to ask if I have to be at work, or if I have a night class. Does not matter at all. What matters to him is to be at the airport and if I get home safely - that's another question.

In my case - it is not that I am lazy and don't want to help him - I am already taking him to hospital and will drive out of my comfort zone, but it is still not that bad as those other roads. This is all about my fear and really - just not knowing how to react. I just don't trust myself enough and have no experience on highways.

Anyway, I told him to go with me and let me drive couple times to the airport and back. I know if I will manage that - I will be proud of myself and feel more independent. I always admired women that can drive on their own to everywhere. I just was not that brave and I know many girls like me who did not grove up with cars or women-drivers in family.

But - at the same time - I feel hurt that he did not say a single world to his friend to be on my side as his wife. He did not admit what he knows - that I am not experienced enough. Otherwise, why would he criticize me so often?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Can you do runs with your husband before hand on the highways. If you don't start doing it you will never do it. Get an experienced driver to sit next to you while you drive the highways a few times to gain confidence. They aren't as scary as they seem.

It's that old saying "anticipation of something is far worse than the something"


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

When my wife first came here she was like that. 

Now she can drive our Ford F250 super duty on the interstate pulling a fully loaded trailer without issues. 

If you were my wife I would be out practicing with you to get you over your fears. 

Thats my nice side speaking. You don't want to know what my class A CDL holding HazMat endorsed truck driving side thinks about people like you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Learn to be a highway-competent driver. Never know when you will need to hit the road! Seriously though, you never know when an emergency will come up and you will be forced to drive. Deal with your fears now, take a driving course if you have to. You need to be mobile and confident in today's busy world.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In addition, there are usually other routes between places that are not large highways. You should be able to plan an alternate route back, on a road less travelled.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you have no experience drive a few times on a state highway or similar 60-65 mph type road. Then start on an interstate with someone more experienced. 

Also I assume you have a highway worthy vehicle ...

And you can drive in bad weather like snow etc if need be. 

And you can use a GPS or maps or smartphone navigation.

So approach the issue by building those skills and you will be fine.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I can relate, I was like you until I moved to Houston. The first time I drove there was in downtown 5 pm  I was terrified but my husband encouraged me. Once you start you will get used to it. I don't love it, but it's fine. Don't hold yourself back, asking for rides is the worst if there is not valid reason. Practice a few times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

I will ask him to do some practice on highways. I know driving gets easier with experience. I just don't have that confidence in big cities. Time to work on it, I guess. I just hope he will be patient. When I learned how to drive - he yelled at me all the time.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ask a friend or family member to practice with. I think I was so scared because my dad would yell and make me nervous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You said he wasn't leaving until next month. Have him sit in the passenger seat and drive out there and back 2 or 3 times before you have to take him for real. This could help you get familiar with the rout so you wont feel scared when the time comes.

Having said that, there are some people who really shouldn't drive even though they passed their test. If you think you are one of them, stay off the roads - my kids are out on the roads.


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## CherryOnTop (Jan 19, 2014)

I used to be like this too, and I understand. My anxiety would skyrocket, and I would go into a panic attack. It was an unsafe situation.

Just make sure you start out slowly. Don't go from your 2-lane, small town roads immediately to the big city freeways. 

I still won't drive in New Orleans! lol But after working on it, I can drive most any place now without any panic. 

It really is something you have to confront. You'll find yourself feeling much more independent and proud of yourself once you do. You can do this


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I can drive highways and interstates in big cities. I live in Las Vegas. I have no problem taking anyone to the airport. However, I DO NOT drive middle of down town. I avoid it like the plague. There are one way streets, pedestrians, crazy drunk people jaywalking...it's terrible. We were stationed in Tacoma near Seattle for 7 years. I never drove down town Seattle either. I've never had an accident or a ticket and I've been driving for 12 years. I've done road trips from Washington state to Louisiana many times on my own and was never afraid. I just don't drive where I am not comfortable. 

I personally think it's immature of both your husband and his best friend to tell you things like "stupid excuses" or "since you won't drive me, I won't drive you" How old is he 15? 

I think you should practice highway and interstate driving with someone in the vehicle though. Preferably someone who doesn't get annoyed easily. If you still are not comfortable by the time he leaves, try an alternate route. It may take longer, but it may be similar to what you are familiar with. It's better you be safe than try to make someone happy who can have someone else simply drive him. He can pay them for gas.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

City driving sucks. I hate it. I do it when I have to but I don't like it.

St. Louis at 5pm sucks.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In all honesty, you're going to find that driving on the interstate is actually easier than the driving you've been successfully doing. You just need a little practice and some confidence. There is very little in this life that you just "can't" do. Take a competent co-driver with you to help navigate so you can concentrate on driving. Stay out of the far left lane and stay out of the far right lane unless you are near your exit. Just use good driving habits. Scan your mirrors, signal your intentions, keep your speed down (but not slow enough to cause problems), and maintain a three second distance between you and the car in front. Practice before the airport trip and on the day of the trip, leave well before you need to. You don't want to feel pressured to drive faster than your abilities. You're probably a better driver than you know.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Next month, he needs go to the airport 3 hours from our town. I asked if he can get someone whom he is usually helping, because I don't feel confident enough to make it home on my own.


Try to look at it from his point of view. You are forcing him to ask his friend for a HUGE favor, essentially giving up 6 hours out of his day to drive your husband to the airport. That's very difficult to do, when your own spouse has a license and can take you instead.




> _Our - his best friend told me I am being ridiculous and having just stupid excuses for not doing it_.


I don't know your entire situation but I can understand your husband's frustration. It's not like you just got your license. *You've been driving for seven years!!* When I was a teenager I had no problem making a two-day drive from Missouri to Colorado, and I had only been driving for about a year at that point. So unless you are mentally handicapped or have some physical limitation you aren't telling us about then highway driving shouldn't be a problem for you anymore. In fact highways are actually easier and less confusing than local roads. And heck, today you have GPS! How can you get lost anymore? 



> _At this point, I just cry. ...My husband and I don't talk because of this. He actually point out how bad driver I am last night, and suddenly I am ready to go anywhere.
> What should I do?_


Some women don't understand that when you break down and cry over such a small thing, it can really irritate men because it looks like you are trying to take a cheap, childish way out instead of dealing with the issue. I know that sounds harsh but I am just telling you what it probably looks like from his point of view.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I just don't have that confidence in big cities. Time to work on it, I guess. I just hope he will be patient. When I learned how to drive - he yelled at me all the time.


Don't worry about it. I am licensed to the hilt, trained, qualified and experienced in driving anything you would ever see on any road anywhere it could be legally allowed to go and my wife pecks my driving to bits even though she cant drive our big 4wd pickup places I can drive her rear wheel drive sedan.  



> Some women don't understand that when you break down and cry over such a small thing, it can really irritate men because it looks like you are trying to take a cheap, childish way out instead of dealing with the issue. I know that sounds harsh but I am just telling you what it probably looks like from his point of view.


EXactly. If you are unsure speak your mind about what is concerning you and be willing to explain yourself in detail. 

Whining and crying without justified rational reasoning is the fastest way to piss off any guy when it comes to learning basic skill sets.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

A coping technique I use when I have to drive in a big city with unusually FAST traffic, such as Montreal, is this....I plan the drive for when there is a LOT of traffic. When there is a LOT of traffic it moves VERY SLOWLY and you don't have to worry about the speeding cars and having to react quickly, or finding your exit/being able to read the signs at high speed with watching the road as well.

People who are experienced usually look out for you. For instance, we have a left exit off of our highway, that I have to take to get home. I know for sure that often enough someone who is all the way in the right lane, is suddenly going to veer over to take that exit. So I always make sure that any car that is seeming to stay on the highway, has room for a quick left exit without causing any accident. 

If you get really nervous, you can always put your 4-way blinkers on and pull over to the side and drive slow for a while. 

Another thing is to write the directions down on a clipboard in big letters, and to check Google Maps in advance, and to use "Street View" to have a photo of the various exits, entrance ramps, important junctions, etc. . Also bring a good road map, one that you can easily read. You can take a highlighter and highlight the routes you'll go on. It's also good to have a compass around. Just in case you are not sure you are going the correct direction (due to stress) you can look at the compass and see. 

Organize the car. It will make you feel more secure knowing where everything is. 

You can also make a voice recording on your cell phone of the directions. Or helpful tips you want yourself to remember. And then play it while you're driving. (Or make an audio CD to put in your CD player that has the directions, etc.)

Always check the weather the day before. Make sure you have plenty of windshield wiper fluid and know where the spare tire is. And make sure you have a valid road plan, and extra water and snack just in case of a flat tire.

So, you have to be prepared, but if you're prepared then your experience will be better.

One other thing, the ROAD SIGNS leaving the airports are really clear, very very clear. For all the people who are visiting the city and have no idea where they are when they get in a rental car. So it's good you'll be in an area where it's not expected that people are going to know where they are and how to get where they want to go. The signage will make it easier. 

I think you can do this. But the important thing, is for you to think that you can. You can have a plan, where if you get upset, you can just pull over to the side of the road and have a snack or call a friend, read a book, listen to the radio, and then drive a bit as you like and if get nervous again pull over. Just make sure you can pull over safely. If a cop comes along you can just be honest, maybe you will get some help. 

At the worst you get off an exit and wait until there is light traffic, and then drive. 

I always take the bus to the airport. Driving to and from is such a hassle. Why can't your husband take the bus? Gas is so expensive, bus ticket is cheap by comparison. And no worries about driving or traffic or weather...

But bottom line if you really don't think you can do it then don't. And tell the guys to stop bullying, everyone has something they don't feel okay doing and being pressured into what could become a bad/dangerous situation is wrong.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I have had my license since I was 17. I am 38 now. I can drive in snow, rain, etc. I know how to drive on the highways, but I still avoid it. I hate driving, period. The only reason I got my license in the first place was because my parents made me do it. I am perfectly fine with driving in our small town/rural area. I can even handle taking back roads into larger towns nearby. I can drive on the busier roads, but I avoid it as much as possible because I do NOT do as well on them as I do on the roads in our town. When I go anywhere, someone else drives, if at all possible. It's been that way since my younger sister got her license 19 years ago. And, when my husband needed to go to airports, I was not the one who took him. It was always a friend or his mom. Why? Because I am not confident with highway and city driving. Never have been, and he's fine with that. Not everyone DOES build up that confidence with more practice. Some actually get more anxious, like i do. Hopefully, AG, you are not like me.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I have had my license since I was 17. I am 38 now. I can drive in snow, rain, etc. I know how to drive on the highways, but I still avoid it. I hate driving, period. The only reason I got my license in the first place was because my parents made me do it. I am perfectly fine with driving in our small town/rural area. I can even handle taking back roads into larger towns nearby. I can drive on the busier roads, but I avoid it as much as possible because I do NOT do as well on them as I do on the roads in our town. When I go anywhere, someone else drives, if at all possible. It's been that way since my younger sister got her license 19 years ago. And, when my husband needed to go to airports, I was not the one who took him. It was always a friend or his mom. Why? Because I am not confident with highway and city driving. Never have been, and he's fine with that. Not everyone DOES build up that confidence with more practice. Some actually get more anxious, like i do. Hopefully, AG, you are not like me.


You sound like my wife, she is around your age and never got over it. She just doesn't do city driving. All the one way streets, crowded roads, and traffic signals in strange spots freak her out. I tried to get her more comfortable with it but nothing ever worked. I no longer encourage her to try it. 

If anything I give people an earful when they give her a hard time about it. It really is something that she isn't comfortable with and a few of her friends were insensitive about it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But bottom line if you really don't think you can do it then don't. And tell the guys to stop bullying, everyone has something they don't feel okay doing and being pressured into what could become a bad/dangerous situation is wrong.





ReformedHubby said:


> If anything I give people an earful when they give her a hard time about it. It really is something that she isn't comfortable with and a few of her friends were insensitive about it.


When I read letters like this I try to mentally switch the genders. I wonder if you both would be so generous if this was about a man instead of a woman.

If a man came on TAM and said he doesn't want to drive on the highway because he isn't comfortable with it, and even cries his way out of it, I think universally everyone would say he's a lazy, entitled baby and his wife should divorce him on the spot. 

I wouldn't go quite that far, but I would say in this case, the wife should suck it up before asking a friend to give up his whole day on a six hour trip to the airport (3 hours out, 3 back). She's been driving for seven years. And getting lost is not an issue anymore when you can pick up a gps at Wal-Mart for less than $100.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> When I read letters like this I try to mentally switch the genders. I wonder if you both would be so generous if this was about a man instead of a woman.
> 
> If a man came on TAM and said he doesn't want to drive on the highway because he isn't comfortable with it, and even cries his way out of it, I think universally everyone would say he's a lazy, entitled baby and his wife should divorce him on the spot.
> 
> I wouldn't go quite that far, but I would say in this case, the wife should suck it up before asking a friend to give up his whole day on a six hour trip to the airport (3 hours out, 3 back). She's been driving for seven years. And getting lost is not an issue anymore when you can pick up a gps at Wal-Mart for less than $100.


Easier said than done when its your wife that feels this way. Could I live with myself if her anxiety about city driving caused her to have an accident? I couldn't. She has been driving for twenty years. 

Its not about evening some sort of gender double standard. Its about protecting your spouse from harm.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> At this point, I just cry. But how can I be able to drive that far in that kind of traffic on my own, if I didn't learn it when someone is actually with me?
> I guess I am just being selfish for thinking more of my and someone else safety, than to help him.
> My husband and I don't talk because of this. He actually point out how bad driver I am last night, and suddenly I am ready to go anywhere.
> What should I do?


You should learn to drive on the highway and freeway. You can do it. Immigrants who come from countries without busy freeways learn to drive cabs in big cities like L.A. and New York City. Driving is just another skill. You just have to practice it enough until it becomes second nature. 

I've had my license since I was a teenager, so driving is nothing to me. Sometimes I have to travel to large cities, far larger than where I live, and I have to drive myself to conferences and meetings. The very first time I had to do it, I was lost and it was scary, but after doing enough trips now, I have the hang of it. 

Lastly, don't cry. Talk to your husband. You are a grown woman. You should talk things out instead of using tears to communicate. And you are asking a huge favor by getting his friend to drive him instead of you. Do some practice runs to the airport. Do at least 3-4 practice trips. Maybe you need to use landmarks to remember where to go or maybe you need GPS...do whatever works for you to remember how to navigate a freeway/exits/ramps. You CAN do this. Trust me...you can. He shouldn't yell at you. It's only going to make you more nervous. Can you get someone calmer to go with you during the practice trips? Also, there are driving instructors. You could get one if you want someone who is a professional.They're used to teaching people who have anxiety about driving. Might cost some $$ but you might be less nervous with a person like that.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Theseus said:


> When I read letters like this I try to mentally switch the genders. I wonder if you both would be so generous if this was about a man instead of a woman.
> 
> If a man came on TAM and said he doesn't want to drive on the highway because he isn't comfortable with it, and even cries his way out of it, I think universally everyone would say he's a lazy, entitled baby and his wife should divorce him on the spot.
> 
> I wouldn't go quite that far, but I would say in this case, the wife should suck it up before asking a friend to give up his whole day on a six hour trip to the airport (3 hours out, 3 back). She's been driving for seven years. And getting lost is not an issue anymore when you can pick up a gps at Wal-Mart for less than $100.


Hello, the OP is a woman and the men are the ones bullying her.

In fact, I was skiing with a GUY the other day and HE did not want to go to the TOP of the mountain because HE claimed it was TOO ICY and DANGEROUS, nor did HE want to ski the MOGULS with me. I HAD A BORING DAY FOLLOWING HIM AS HE MADE WIDE RISK-AVERSE SLALOM TRACKS ON THE NOVICE-INTERMEDIATE SLOPES.

I am not gender biased. I have a lot of FEMALE friends who are scared to get on a snowboard. 

So, hopefully, that answers your question about GENEROSITY based on gender. I never bullied the GUY I was with to go down the expert slopes or the moguls. I sucked it up. It's not nice to bully someone about their physical safety. He may have had knee surgery or he may have had some kind of anxiety about skiing on ice or moguls and risking knee injury. So I kept my mouth shut. I also don't bully either my DAUGHTER or my SON to push their physical limits. 

I am GENDER NEUTRAL when it comes to generosity. I just don't bully, period.

If you're seeing gender bias when there is none, based on appropriate pronoun use, I pity anyone who sits in a bar next to you and tries to strike up a pleasant conversation.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In fact, I was skiing with a GUY the other day and HE did not want to go to the TOP of the mountain because HE claimed it was TOO ICY and DANGEROUS, nor did HE want to ski the MOGULS with me. I HAD A BORING DAY FOLLOWING HIM AS HE MADE WIDE RISK-AVERSE SLALOM TRACKS ON THE NOVICE-INTERMEDIATE SLOPES.
> 
> I am not gender biased. I have a lot of FEMALE friends who are scared to get on a snowboard.



?? :scratchhead:

What the hell does that have to do with anything?????? Skiiing and snowboarding require a lot of skill and physical conditioning. Driving a car doesn't require a tenth of that. I don't see any obese people on the ski slopes, but I see plenty in their cars! More importantly, *SKIING IS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY*. By contrast, the husband here isn't asking the OP to drive him to go racing, or for fun. He's asking her to drive him because he simply needs to get to the airport. 



> _So, hopefully, that answers your question about GENEROSITY based on gender. I never bullied the GUY I was with to go down the expert slopes or the moguls. I sucked it up. _


But if that same guy was your husband and afraid to get a job or drive to work, or afraid to change the baby's diapers, I think you would lose patience pretty quick and would "bully" him to get over it, wouldn't you?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Theseus said:


> But if that same guy was your husband and afraid to get a job or drive to work, or afraid to change the baby's diapers, I think you would lose patience pretty quick and would "bully" him to get over it, wouldn't you?


My husband got into an accident on his way to work one morning. It was what brought his current problems to the surface. I didn't ridicule him when he cried because he had anxiety about getting behind the wheel of a car for awhile. I didn't ridicule him when he was unable to focus on driving, nor any activity. Believe it or not, there are women who are compassionate about such things. And, guess what? I still don't ridicule him about anything. Also, I wouldn't have bullied him to drive to work. We would have found other arrangements, had it been necessary.

And, for long trips, I still don't drive. I can't. It's not just anxiety about driving. I actually CANNOT. I fall asleep on long trips. By long trips, I mean anything that requires driving more than 1 hour in one direction. It doesn't matter if I have had a good night's sleep or not. It happens if I get 8-9 hours or only 5-6 hours.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty, you have a whole month to work on this. First a four lane road that's not busy even from one exit til the next.

Seriously though, your husband feels like you're not towing the line somewhat. That's my knee jerk response anyway. I don't understand the level of anxiety you have when thinking about driving busy roads but I would be disappointed in my wife if she couldn't force herself to make the effort.

In reality you need this much more than your husband does though. It's a step that has to be taken towards independence. It sucks feel like you can't cope without someone else. That can make you question why you're with the people you're with.

Good luck.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wow,I thought I was the only one with a spouse like this!
My wife hates the expressway,here near Chicago it is a b!tch but I do the driving
on the highways,even then she still gets very nervous and scared.
Try to practice on roads that are a little busier and work your way up.
I just go ahead and do the driving for her when it comes to thatI l know it scares 
her so I'm fine with doing it.
Those big trucks (lot of them) intimidate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I fall asleep on long trips. By long trips, I mean anything that requires driving more than 1 hour in one direction. It doesn't matter if I have had a good night's sleep or not. It happens if I get 8-9 hours or only 5-6 hours.


I do that too when I have my wife drive. It drives her nuts sometimes when traffic gets her wound up and I am dead asleep and snoring like an old bull.  

I just tell her that if she is going to get us killed I want to go in my sleep.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I was very scared the first several times I drove on the highway. My heart was pounding.

Merging onto it is scary and people are driving fast.

BUT...eventually the fear subsided...and it didn't take long at all either.

Now those fearful first trips are a distant memory and I can't imagine what I'd do if I'd never faced the fear...it would greatly inconvenience life.

You can't say you CANT drive on the highway if you NEVER ever try.

A more honest title for your thread is:

"I refuse to drive on highway. He is mad now."

And when written that way, his frustration becomes more understandable.

Be careful about playing the Victim Card too often; you limit your own life if you do so.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> I more honest title for your thread is:
> 
> "I refuse to drive on highway. He is mad now."
> 
> And when written that way, his frustration becomes more understandable.


^^This.

There's no such word as "I can't".

It's just "I won't"

You can fix this, and your husband knows it. That's why he's so frustrated with you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

married tech said:


> I do that too when I have my wife drive. It drives her nuts sometimes when traffic gets her wound up and I am dead asleep and snoring like an old bull.
> 
> I just tell her that if she is going to get us killed I want to go in my sleep.


In my case, unfortunately, it's NOT just when I am a passenger. I am NOT safe behind the wheel of a vehicle on long trips.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@AwfullyGuilty, if I were you I'd be mad at your husband. Make a 6 hour round trip to take him to the airport??? Why can't he drive himself and either A) park the car at the airport, B) to save money park off sight and take a shuttle to the airport, or C) if he will be gone for an extended time OR you will need the vehicle he could take a limo or car service. If he is going on a work related trip they will sometimes pay for the parking. If he's going on a vacation without you, why would you even consider driving him??? 

Now having said that, I don't do city driving either. I grew up 45minutes from a large city and now only live an hour from that same city. I've been driving over 30 years and have only driven downtown a total of 3 times. Could I do it if I had to, yes. Will I be dropping the husband off at the airport, not a chance. In the 21.6 years of M, I've never driven him to the airport. He does one of the above suggestions...parks in airport garage, parks off sight or uses a car service...depending on the time of year and length of trip. 

He knows how I am about driving in traffic or at night and doesn't make me. Hell I get anxious enough when he drives downtown!!! I have to drive on some very busy expressways and have gotten better about it but I am still very nervous. I think some people are just naturally more anxiety riddled and driving can cause a near panic attack. For those of you who don't understand the feeling, you're lucky. 

So once again, AwfullyGuilty, I'm more irritated at him for making you feel guilty about not for wanting to spend 6 hours driving him and less concerned about your hesitation to do it.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Have you thought about hiring a professional driving instructor to help you get more proficient behind the wheel?

What if there was a problem with your husband and/or children and you had to drive/navigate on the highway to get them to the nearest hospital? Also, what if something happened to your husband and you were solely responsible for your own daily transport? 

It's not healthy for you to be that reliant on others and be completely unable to accommodate your own and your families transportation needs. 

I was really fortunate my Dad was a professional driver and taught me how to drive in some of the most congested cities in the US. If you didn't really have someone to teach you properly I completely understand/empathize but as an adult it's up to you now to seek out those resources. 

Crying and refusing to deal with the situation isn't helpful and I can understand your husband's frustration.

Also please don't perpetuate this is some type of lady issue. Plenty of women are mechanics, race cars, drive ambulances, etc. This is a personal responsibility issue neutral to gender.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> @AwfullyGuilty, if I were you I'd be mad at your husband. Make a 6 hour round trip to take him to the airport??? Why can't he drive himself and either A) park the car at the airport, B) to save money park off sight and take a shuttle to the airport, or C) if he will be gone for an extended time OR you will need the vehicle he could take a limo or car service.



Not an option if they only have one good vehicle and she will need it while he's gone.

And a limo or car service? Are you serious? Do you have any idea how much it would cost to take that to an airport three hours away?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

bobbieb65 said:


> @AwfullyGuilty, if I were you I'd be mad at your husband. Make a 6 hour round trip to take him to the airport??? Why can't he drive himself and either A) park the car at the airport, B) to save money park off sight and take a shuttle to the airport, or C) if he will be gone for an extended time OR you will need the vehicle he could take a limo or car service. If he is going on a work related trip they will sometimes pay for the parking. If he's going on a vacation without you, why would you even consider driving him???


I don't know where you live but it costs about $65 by cab to get from my house to our airport and that's if the cab driver takes the freeway. I live perhaps 16 miles at most from the airport! I can't imagine the cost of taking a limo or cab service if the OP's husband lives as far away as he does from the airport. Now a shuttle service is a good option, if the shuttle actually services their area. If they're too far away from the airport, the shuttle might not go to their area. 

I can't imagine being mad at this husband. I actually feel sorry for him. He has a spouse who is unwilling to step up to the plate when she should. She's had a lot of time to learn how to navigate city roads.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Like you my wife is comfortable and happy driving her minibus or the family SUV around our local area on roads / routes that she is familiar with but she does her best to avoid long drives, motorways and big city centers.

For the last half dozen foreign holidays we have been on I have put her on the hire car insurance but she has as yet refused to drive abroad (more of a problem for us from the UK as the majority of countries drive on the other “wrong” side of the road).

If you do discover a way to overcome your fears / concerns PLEASE share it as I am fed up with doing the lion’s share of the driving.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Thank you everyone! To explain my situation better - I did not cry front of him. He actually has not idea I cried. I just felt really pressured by his friend and then by him. I cried when I was alone bc I felt useless. 

We do have two cars but mine has better gas mileage. He will be gone for about two weeks and does not want to pay for parking. So yes, 12 hours of driving, 2 days off of my work are "better" option.

I chose to go and try even though I feel no confidence about that. Just like someone else mentioned - 18-wheelers intimidate me and fast pace on the road. I feel like I can't make fast decisions under that pressure. I guess, it takes practice. 

What gets me though is that my H already drove some people to airport and maybe those same people could do same favor to him. He always complains about my driving skills or won't let me drive when I asked him to. I asked him many times, he did not let me. 
Also, this problem did not bother him that much until his best friend did not start pushing him as well. 

My H can get short commute flight from city one hour from us for $35 to get to his main flight. He won't bother with that. He thinks it is better to drive 6 hours- for me- than for him spend one extra hour in airplane. Is that fair??? He did not bother to ask if I have to be at work, or if I have a night class. Does not matter at all. What matters to him is to be at the airport and if I get home safely - that's another question.

In my case - it is not that I am lazy and don't want to help him - I am already taking him to hospital and will drive out of my comfort zone, but it is still not that bad as those other roads. This is all about my fear and really - just not knowing how to react. I just don't trust myself enough and have no experience on highways.

Anyway, I told him to go with me and let me drive couple times to the airport and back. I know if I will manage that - I will be proud of myself and feel more independent. I always admired women that can drive on their own to everywhere. I just was not that brave and I know many girls like me who did not grove up with cars or women-drivers in family. 

But - at the same time - I feel hurt that he did not say a single world to his friend to be on my side as his wife. He did not admit what he knows - that I am not experienced enough. Otherwise, why would he criticize me so often?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Given this extra detail there is no way I would expect anyone (let alone my wife) to use that much time and gas driving me if I could get a commuter flight for $35.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

This makes no sense at all. He wants to pay for gas to drive 12 hours and you loose two days of work pay, just to avoid paying for parking for two weeks. Paying for the parking will cost much less than what it will cost to drive him to the airport. 

OP. you say you have had you license for seven years. How old are you? Reason I ask is that in many cases when people wait till later in life to learn to drive, they have a harder time learning and are intimidated by things that probably would not have bothered them when they were a teen and thought they were invincible. My best friends wife is having this very issue now. She is 30 years old and though she wants to learn to drive badly. She is terrified she will have an accident. 

Have your husband or even a friend take you out on highways for short drives. It can even be just a few exits or so. I would also recommend using a GPS for Longer trips so you just have to follow the directions it gives, and not know completely where you are going. To get used to the GPS, use it on trips around town.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Theseus said:


> ?? :scratchhead:
> 
> Driving a car doesn't require a tenth of that. I don't see any obese people on the ski slopes, but I see plenty in their cars! More importantly, *SKIING IS A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY*. By contrast, the husband here isn't asking the OP to drive him to go racing, or for fun. He's asking her to drive him because he simply needs to get to the airport.
> 
> ...


I left my marriages because of men who tried to bully me into doing stuff I didn't want to do. And, no I did not ever bully my husband. I had a nanny, there was no need for him to ever change diapers, it was his fifth kid, he changed diapers when he felt like it. AND FURTHERMORE my second child was fecally incontinent for 7 years, poop up to 20 times a day, so don't even BEGIN to think you understand what that kind of diaper changing is like, yet I never asked anyone else to do it, ever. I got a set up for washing the kid over the toilet with a spray wand (Babidet) and went to it. UNTIL HE HAD SPINAL SURGERY. Father and stepfather did not want to go to the hospital with me to wait while surgery took place. I drove him myself, into big city...and drove him HOME too, after, kid just having spinal surgery, alone, with stuff for throwing up for him, needing to maybe stop along the way to take care of him, many bumps, etc. Nobody to help me. Yet I did not bully anybody into coming down to help me. I dealt with it. But did not want to. I know how it is, so I would never bully anyone. People have limits. They are not just flesh and bones, they have a psyche and a neurology hooked up to all that, and in many cases it can't function, when it can't let it be. No amount of mind over matter is going to magically make someone do something they can't.

DRIVING requires no skill? You've got to be kidding me. And you must be an AMERICAN who thinks that it's necessary to drive. Not all people think like that. And, there are buses and airport shuttles. There is no need to waste oil and other resources including human life to get ONE PERSON to the airport in an entitled way when there is perfectly good public transportation. 

You have some really solid opinions, I suggest you get out more and see what the world is really like. Driving is necessary skill, hahahahahaha.

And you know nothing about my private life in my marriages, thinking I'm a bully. Where did you come up with that idea?
Thin air?

This is my last post on the matter. I don't want to have the thread go off topic. But the bottom line is nobody has the right to make someone else do something they don't feel okay doing. No matter how easy THEY think it is. Deal with it, as should the person who needs to get to the airport.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Thank you everyone! To explain my situation better - I did not cry front of him. He actually has not idea I cried. I just felt really pressured by his friend and then by him. I cried when I was alone bc I felt useless.


OP, No need to apologize for crying. I think it was uncalled for for people to criticize you for crying. Everyone reacts to stress differently. My wife is a cryer too, but you know what she is also tough . She is no delicate flower. She can do tricep push ups while standing on her head (yes really). She also faced what we thought was a terminal illness fearlessly. She also was an ICU nurse when she used to work. I could go on and on. Just because you shed tears it doesn't mean that you are weak. It just means you were upset.

I do think you should give it a try, but if you don't ever become comfortable with it don't consider yourself a failure. There are a lot of people with this fear.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So he's set it up to require you to drive 3 hours, and roughly what? 150 miles in order to save him $35 and an hour? And you need to take off two days of work to do it?

I'd say this shows where you are on his priority list. He feels you missing work and spending more money than you'll save is a fair trade off from showing who is important. And I'm guessing he was probably goaded into setting things up this way by the friend who thinks you "being ridiculous."

If you follow through with this, I'd expect more and more requests like this.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I agree that you need to practice this skill set.

You have 4 weekends between now and when he wants to go! I would suggest that you use them to make this trip (with friends, not with critical H as your coaches).

Once you are more comfortable, you will feel PROUD of yourself for having acquired this skill set and this bit of independence which may prove very useful in the future.

Drive your H to the airport next month with confidence and tell him, "Oh, by the way, this is the LAST TIME I am wasting 6 hours of my time and untold amounts of gas because you're TOO selfish...or is it TOO FEARFUL?...to take a $35 puddle-jumper to the airport. Now that I've shown you I *can* do it, you need to know I will *not* do it on a whim from you. Perhaps it's time *you* faced *your* fears, hubby!"

Expect a blow-up, but he sounds like a bully who is hyper-critical, negative and a pill. You'll be PROUD of yourself for standing up to him, as well.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Drive your H to the airport next month with confidence and tell him, "Oh, by the way, this is the LAST TIME I am wasting 6 hours of my time and untold amounts of gas because you're TOO selfish...or is it TOO FEARFUL?...to take a $35 puddle-jumper to the airport. Now that I've shown you I *can* do it, you need to know I will *not* do it on a whim from you. Perhaps it's time *you* faced *your* fears, hubby!"


LOL, I didn't want to say anything about that. Its quite possible that he is afraid of the smaller plane. I know I am.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Its quite possible that he is afraid of the smaller plane. I know I am.


But if that's true is his fear any more valid than hers? It's been indicated on this thread that her fear makes her less than a functioning adult and a burden on others. 

If he didn't take the plane because of fear, isn't he in the same boat?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> But if that's true is his fear any more valid than hers? It's been indicated on this thread that her fear makes her less than a functioning adult and a burden on others.
> 
> If he didn't take the plane because of fear, isn't he in the same boat?


Couldn't agree more. I am actually shocked that some reacted to the OP the way they did. Its fine to offer her words of encouragement, but to say she is behaving like a child and needs to "get over it". Was overly harsh in my opinion. None of us really know if this is mild apprehension or a full blown phobia.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My H can get short commute flight from city one hour from us for $35 to get to his main flight. He won't bother with that. He thinks it is better to drive 6 hours- for me- than for him spend one extra hour in airplane. Is that fair??? He did not bother to ask if I have to be at work, or if I have a night class. Does not matter at all. What matters to him is to be at the airport and if I get home safely - that's another question.
> 
> In my case - it is not that I am lazy and don't want to help him - I am already taking him to hospital and will drive out of my comfort zone, but it is still not that bad as those other roads. This is all about my fear and really - just not knowing how to react. I just don't trust myself enough and have no experience on highways.
> 
> ...


You really should have posted these details in your first two posts. This changes things. 

Practice driving on the freeways and highways. It's for YOUR independence and safety as well. 

I think some reacted as they did because your original post didn't flesh out the details. You make it sound different in this third post.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Sorry your husband's being such a jerk, AwfullyGuilty. I knew that there would be an alternative to driving 12 hrs. I'm on your side about this. If he reacted differently then I would cut him some slack but he's behaving very childlike. Not letting you drive so you get more time behind the wheel and getting his friend in on making you feel guilty...really. I wouldn't be driving him anywhere until he adjusted his attitude. 

Tell him you'd be willing to drive the hour so he could catch a connecting flight or he will have to make other arrangements. You have two cars, off sight parking isn't that expensive when you take into consideration the time and money involved in the 12 hours to be driven. You need find an agreeable compromise. 

And your husband needs to learn some marriage manners.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> You really should have posted these details in your first two posts. This changes things.
> 
> Practice driving on the freeways and highways. It's for YOUR independence and safety as well.
> 
> I think some reacted as they did because your original post didn't flesh out the details. You make it sound different in this third post.


I was taken aback by your first reply. Why was her crying about it an issue? You seemed more focused on that in your original reply.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Not an option if they only have one good vehicle and she will need it while he's gone.
> 
> And a limo or car service? Are you serious? Do you have any idea how much it would cost to take that to an airport three hours away?


Yes I'm serious and no I don't know the cost because I don't know where they live. He's being a douche and should be reacted to as such. BTW, limo and car services often offer shuttle buses from larger town to airports. She could drive him to the nearest town that has that or he could even take a bus/train. There are many forms of transportation and if he tried hard enough he could figure it out. Our son has done this many times because he didn't want to pay the parking fees...and he was only 18.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I can't imagine being mad at this husband. I actually feel sorry for him. He has a spouse who is unwilling to step up to the plate when she should. She's had a lot of time to learn how to navigate city roads.


Do you still feel that way after her last post??? If he let her drive more often so she'd get more practice and took a different tact then he's chosen, maybe I'd think like you do about it. He's showing no consideration for her anxiety about driving and that makes me have no compassion for him. 

Like I said, I've been driving for over 30 years and will not drive into the city unless it was an emergency and dropping hubby at the airport does not qualify! It's not just about navigating roads, it's about respect and compromise in a marriage.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I got my license about 7 years ago. I do enjoy driving on roads I know - especially in our small town but when it comes to huge cities and busy traffic- I am lost.
> My husband knows this very well. He always drives and even when I asked before to drive, he said he is ok to do it.
> 
> Next month, he needs go to the airport 3 hours from our town. I asked if he can get someone whom he is usually helping, because I don't feel confident enough to make it home on my own. I can do 2 line roads, but when it comes to 4-line highways and very busy traffic, I am scared. I feel confused and unable to function well. I never drove in that city on my own. I told him I am afraid I will cause an accident or will hurt myself. I was just honest.
> ...


I can understand your fears up to a point. When I was 17 and a new driver, I was afraid of the same things. I had some fender benders as a new driver which also made me fearful. My uncle got mad at me in an extremely similar situation when I was 18 and afraid to drive him to the airport over an hour away. 

However, by the time I was 19-20, was able to drive alone all the time in Northern New Jersey and New York City with absolutely no problem. If you are familiar with that area, it is an aggressive and challenging place to drive. But I had to do because how else was I supposed to get anywhere? At 27, I learned stick in a few days. I can drive off road, in snow, and in difficult conditions. The only thing I don't do yet is drive our 38 foot RV! My husband does that for now. 

I'm not saying that you should be exactly like me, but given that you have been driving as long as 7 years, it seems like your fears are a little irrational at this point. You just need to be able to completely take care of yourself as an adult. You can't always rely on having a man/someone else there to do things for you, driving included. 

Being able to drive in various conditions is one of those things that you just have to "woman up," and do, otherwise you'll always be dependent on someone else or on public transportation, and it lessens your freedom as an individual. 

I agree that you and your husband should make practice runs to the airport until you are comfortable enough with it. Do whatever you need to to increase your level of confidence behind the wheel until you don't have any doubts about your ability anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just start practicing, with or without him. Longer or faster drives each time. You'll get there.

Your marriage, though, sounds like it could use some fine-tuning.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I agree with what others have said about practicing on busier roads until you get comfortable. 

I think part or even most of your anxiety is about the number of cars on the road in the city. There's a lot going on and you see cars driving faster and closer. 

But your job will be to tune that out. Like any other road, you will have just one car in front of you and one behind. The one in front is the only one you really have to pay attention to. Pick your lane and stick to it. On a four lane highway, pick the second lane so you don't have to worry about on ramps and off ramps. 

I've driven the highways around LA, Boston, and NYC. They're all the same to a certain extent - fast and aggressive in the high speed lanes and slower and more relaxed in the low speed lanes. That's where you belong - the low speed lanes. 

The other thing that could be helpful is a newer GPS that tells you what lane to be in. If you have a four lane highway that splits, sending two lanes one way and two another way for example, it tells you about that up to a mile in advance. That gives you plenty of time to make your lane change if you need to. Reduces anxiety.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> I was taken aback by your first reply. Why was her crying about it an issue? You seemed more focused on that in your original reply.


The reference to the crying in her first post sounded manipulative and childish. Others picked up on that too. I'm not a big fan of people victimizing themselves. She CAN learn how to drive on big city streets if she wanted to. There are professional driving instructors who will have the patience and time to teach her. There may be kind calm friends who could teach her too. But to cry instead of looking at possible solutions just came off as victimizing herself.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

bobbieb65 said:


> Do you still feel that way after her last post??? If he let her drive more often so she'd get more practice and took a different tact then he's chosen, maybe I'd think like you do about it. He's showing no consideration for her anxiety about driving and that makes me have no compassion for him.
> 
> Like I said, I've been driving for over 30 years and will not drive into the city unless it was an emergency and dropping hubby at the airport does not qualify! It's not just about navigating roads, it's about respect and compromise in a marriage.


The more she posts about her marriage, the clearer it is they have bigger issues than her not being able to drive him to the airport. He sounds very inconsiderate and she sounds like she's got a learned helpelessness.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I agree with what others have said about practicing on busier roads until you get comfortable. 

I think part or even most of your anxiety is about the number of cars on the road in the city. There's a lot going on and you see cars driving faster and closer. 

But your job will be to tune that out. Like any other road, you will have just one car in front of you and one behind. The one in front is the only one you really have to pay attention to. Pick your lane and stick to it. On a four lane highway, pick the second lane so you don't have to worry about on ramps and off ramps. 

I've driven the highways around LA, Boston, and NYC. They're all the same to a certain extent - fast and aggressive in the high speed lanes and slower and more relaxed in the low speed lanes. That's where you belong - the low speed lanes. 

The other thing that could be helpful is a newer GPS that tells you what lane to be in. If you have a four lane highway that splits, sending two lanes one way and two another way for example, it tells you about that up to a mile in advance. That gives you plenty of time to make your lane change if you need to. Reduces anxiety.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> LOL, I didn't want to say anything about that. Its quite possible that he is afraid of the smaller plane. I know I am.


My point EXACTLY!

SHE'S a whiny, unaccomodating, cry-baby be-yotch because she's afraid to drive 6 hours on freeways.

But HE'S somehow 'justified' in his fears of flying a puddle-jumper.


She's a pill and someone who should be emotionally beat-up by him to 'get over' her IRRATIONAL fears. But HE is golden wallowing in HIS IRRATIONAL fear. 


...yeah, not so much..... Call his on his hypocritical double-standard!

.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I won't drive anywhere that requires parallel parking. I won't do it. Never. You can't make me! Whaaaaa! 

No, seriously, I won't do it. I'd go broke on valet parking before you see me attempting to parallel park. 

I understand your anxiety and I'm mad at your hubby for making fun of it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I won't drive anywhere that requires parallel parking. I won't do it. Never. You can't make me! Whaaaaa!
> 
> No, seriously, I won't do it. I'd go broke on valet parking before you see me attempting to parallel park.




That reminds me of when I took my road test for the license. I had to parallel park as the final thing left to test. The tester asked me to do it on a stretch of the road that didn't have any cars parked on it, so I just pulled in. I didn't parallel park, but he didn't knock any points for it either although he should have.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Father and stepfather did not want to go to the hospital with me to wait while surgery took place. I drove him myself, into big city...and drove him HOME too, after, kid just having spinal surgery, alone, with stuff for throwing up for him, needing to maybe stop along the way to take care of him, many bumps, etc. Nobody to help me.


And that is OK?

Seems like you and I see marriage very differently. I see marriage as a partnership where two people help each other out, especially when it comes to children. And I don't consider it "bullying" to insist on that. 




> _DRIVING requires no skill? You've got to be kidding me. _


I never said that. 



> _You have some really solid opinions, I suggest you get out more and see what the world is really like. Driving is necessary skill, hahahahahaha._


I never said that either. Not everyone needs to drive, but in this case the OP already does. She has a license, a car, and insurance that someone paid for, and she has been driving for seven years.



> _And you know nothing about my private life in my marriages, thinking I'm a bully. Where did you come up with that idea?
> Thin air?_


I never said you were a bully either. Notice I put the word "bully" into quotes in my post. That's because I DON'T consider it bullying to insist that a spouse show certain considerations in a marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I won't drive anywhere that requires parallel parking. I won't do it. Never. You can't make me! Whaaaaa!
> 
> No, seriously, I won't do it. I'd go broke on valet parking before you see me attempting to parallel park.
> 
> I understand your anxiety and I'm mad at your hubby for making fun of it.


Heh. The closest I EVER come to parallel parking is pulling in behind a car that's already parked. If I am required to park between two cars, forget it. That was one thing my teacher never taught when I was in class. I will seriously drive around looking for a "regular" parking space, even a block away, rather than parallel park. :rofl:


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I never said that either. Not everyone needs to drive, but in this case the OP already does. She has a license, a car, and insurance that someone paid for, and she has been driving for seven years.


Just because she has had a license for 7 years, doesn't mean she is confident about certain aspects of driving... nor does it mean she WILL be confident/comfortable doing them later on. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But bullying her into it, telling her to "suck it up and do it, whether you like it or not", is NOT going to help her confidence. If anything, THAT method is lore likely to make it WORSE. 

As for AG's husband and the smaller plane.... How is it more logical to have her drive all that distance, miss work, lose pay, PAY MORE out of pocket, rather than the lesser amount to take a connecting flight? It doesn't. And, if his problem is a phobia (I didn't see if that was confirmed yet?), how does HIS phobia carry more weight than hers? :scratchhead:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I can only parallel park because I drive a Mini


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> Thank you everyone! To explain my situation better - I did not cry front of him. He actually has not idea I cried. I just felt really pressured by his friend and then by him. I cried when I was alone bc I felt useless.
> 
> We do have two cars but mine has better gas mileage. He will be gone for about two weeks and does not want to pay for parking. So yes, 12 hours of driving, 2 days off of my work are "better" option.
> 
> I chose to go and try even though I feel no confidence about that.


Good for you. This update makes a HUGE difference in understanding your situation. I wish you had said this at that start. 

Your first post sounded exactly like my mother: avoid any responsibility, guilt people into doing everything for you, and then cry when they refuse. I'm glad you are giving it a shot.


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## Kaci (Mar 11, 2013)

Haven't read most of the messages, but I would get up very early on a Sunday morning, grab some hot coffee and your hubby and begin driving in the areas that make you nervous. It's a great way to become familiar with roads and highways. Gradually work up to slightly busier times of the day. Stay away from these areas during rush hour.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I won't drive anywhere that requires parallel parking. I won't do it. Never. You can't make me! Whaaaaa!
> 
> No, seriously, I won't do it. I'd go broke on valet parking before you see me attempting to parallel park.
> 
> I understand your anxiety and I'm mad at your hubby for making fun of it.


Parallel parking a car or the wife's minibus "No Problem", doing the same in the SUV with the caravan / track car in tow takes a lot more thinking about for me as I probably only tow anything half a dozen times a year.

As with many things you need to practice to be any good.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Kaci said:


> I would get up very early on a Sunday morning, grab some hot coffee and your hubby and begin driving in the areas that make you nervous.


Stick with decaf.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I agree that you and your husband should make practice runs to the airport until you are comfortable enough with it.


Not really sure that six hour round trips for practice is feasible.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

My husband does not have a phobia about small planes. The only reason he gave me for not taking that flight is that he does not want to sit an extra hour in plane. That's all. He actually knocked at his head to show me if I am "crazy".
I want to learn how to drive for my own good and I will do that practice. I still feel scared when it comes to many cars and fast traffic around me, but at least I will try. 

I got my license when I was 25. My H was my instructor - no patience though. He would often yell at me.
He preferred to drive us everywhere. That's how it is in my country. Men mostly drive. My family did not own a car until I was about 17. My father got his license when he was 40. Things are different in country where I am from.  My use public transportation while here it is not option.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband does not have a phobia about small planes. The only reason he gave me for not taking that flight is that he does not want to sit an extra hour in plane. That's all. He actually knocked at his head to show me if I am "crazy".
> I want to learn how to drive for my own good and I will do that practice. I still feel scared when it comes to many cars and fast traffic around me, but at least I will try.
> 
> I got my license when I was 25. My H was my instructor - no patience though. He would often yell at me.
> He preferred to drive us everywhere. That's how it is in my country. Men mostly drive. My family did not own a car until I was about 17. My father got his license when he was 40. Things are different in country where I am from.  My use public transportation while here it is not option.


So let me get this straight. Your husband would rather ride 3 hours in a car than 1 hour in a plane. He'd rather you miss 2 full days of work than pay $70 to ride a plane. He's forcing you way out of your comfort zone apparently to prove to his buddy that he's not whipped.

Your husband is acting like a d!ck. My suggestion, tell him to F off.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband does not have a phobia about small planes. The only reason he gave me for not taking that flight is that *he* does not want to sit an extra hour in plane [YOUR time isn't important]. That's all. He actually knocked at his head *to show me* if I am "crazy".
> I got my license when I was 25. My H was my instructor - *no patience* though. He would *often yell* at me.


AG, I realize that you're from a different culture and it may be typical where you come from, but FYI, in America, what you describe he does is bordering on abusive behavior. I'd be willing to bet there's more of that than you're listing here. Something to think about.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> My husband does not have a phobia about small planes. The only reason he gave me for not taking that flight is that he does not want to sit an extra hour in plane. That's all. He actually knocked at his head to show me if I am "crazy".


I don't care what he "SAYS", he's LYING his head off! It makes NO SENSE that he would rather spend THREE HOURS sitting in a car (I drive a very large Cadillac, and it still ain't all THAT comfortable after three hours) than 30 minutes sitting on a plane. It is illogical and utter nonsense.

He can say he's not afraid of a small plane all he wants, I call BS! 

Why don't you just tell him, "no". Tell him you have work to do at your job, work to do at home, and you're not interested in driving SIX HOURS round trip just because he'd LIKE IT TO BE SO. Tell him to get one of his buddies to drive him (like he's done before) or he'll HAVE TO get on that little plane. What's he going to do? FORCE you to get in the car? Force you to drive? No, he's just going to be mean and nasty. NEWSFLASH: Your husband is already mean and nasty to you. He's being unreasonable and bullying, and you're ALLOWING it. You DESERVE better treatment than you're getting from him.

Please get the book "Codependent No More" and start reading it. You could gain an awful lot from it.

Best wishes!


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I don't care what he "SAYS", he's LYING his head off! It makes NO SENSE that he would rather spend THREE HOURS sitting in a car (I drive a very large Cadillac, and it still ain't all THAT comfortable after three hours) than 30 minutes sitting on a plane. It is illogical and utter nonsense.
> 
> He can say he's not afraid of a small plane all he wants, I call BS!
> 
> ...


I don't want to tell him NO because that would be selfish. Just like his buddy told him - next time I need to go somewhere - he would not drive me neither. They look at me as a bad guy in this. And that's how it made me feel as well. I don't want to be selfish even though it does not make sense. I am going to bring that short fly out one more time. I will see what they think.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Also, I already own Codependent no more - book. I am in the middle of it now.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't want to tell him NO because that would be selfish. Just like his buddy told him - next time I need to go somewhere - he would not drive me neither. They look at me as a bad guy in this. And that's how it made me feel as well. I don't want to be selfish even though it does not make sense. I am going to bring that short fly out one more time. *I will see what they think.*


Sounds like there's three people in your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How about this: Tell him you are going to take him this time. But you aren't going to take entire days off from work to do it in the future. You will save up money so he can hire a cab or whatever, but your work is important to you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Who is they? And who cares what they think?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> Your marriage, though, sounds like it could use some fine-tuning.


Read her other threads, this is a massive understatement.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

AwfullyGuilty said:


> I don't want to tell him NO because that would be selfish. Just like his buddy told him - next time I need to go somewhere - he would not drive me neither. They look at me as a bad guy in this. And that's how it made me feel as well. I don't want to be selfish even though it does not make sense. I am going to bring that short fly out one more time. I will see what they think.


It would not be selfish, it would be sensible. How much will you lose in wages? How much will the gas cost? What is your time worth? What about his, he won't be terribly productive in the car for 3 hours. Balance that against a less than an hour flight for 35 dollars. Twice. Then throw your anxiety on top of that.

Yes, you should practice driving and become more comfortable and independent. Yes you ought to do nice things for your spiuse, and cooperate as a team. This doesn't seem to be the case here though, does it? He's being the selfish one.

I hope you find some answers in your reading, that will help you realistically assess your marriage. Combine this situation, which is minor, with what you've posted before, and it makes one wonder why you are married to this guy at all.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to learn how to drive so that he can't hold that over your head when he's making ridiculous demands. How often does he make you do something and use "or I won't drive you" as the "punch line?"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And find out if he's being controlling or abusive by reading about it.


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