# need to post in infidelity.



## FoolishOne

I'm desperate for advice. I've got myself into a very bad situation and everything I could do seems useless.

I'm a mad hatter. I cheated first. It was bad. I did everything wrong. What's worse was after being caught I made matters worse and now everything is crap. I didn't respect my husband, myself, or my children and family. I did some very stupid things and then ran from the consequences.

My oldest hates me. My husband is having an affair.

I need advice. I have pretty much all I think I'm going to get evidence wise, but I have no idea how to confront. I have no leg to stand on. I had an affair. There was no good reason for what I did and then I rugswept and manipulated gaslighted and lied lied lied. The worst was the blame shifting. I said and did some horrible things. He still doesn't know the extent of my affair. How am I supposed to handle his infidelity when my sin looms large? How am I to be anything other than a hypocrite? I feel like such a monster for what I've done to him. Part of me thinks I deserve this.

I've been lurking here and other sites for a while and that was what showed me how badly I had handled everything. I knew I handled it poorly for a while now but always hoped time would heal our wounds without the need for me to come clean. 

That info also helped me come to the conclusion my husband is in an affair and completely detached. As well as the knowledge to find enough evidence (not as much as I would like.) I wish I had acted sooner and now everything is slipping down the drain.

I want to save my marriage. I do. I love my husband. I didn't appreciate him at all. I mistreated him. But I can't live without him. The thought of my family splitting rips me apart and I know its all my fault. 

I'm so scared a confrontation will be the beginning of the end. I'm scared that the mask he is wearing will fall away and he will walk out on me. Walk out of my life and into HERS. 

I think my husband is planning on getting our youngest into college before divorcing me.

Once the youngest is gone in 2 years I think he will leave. I feel like there is a time bomb strapped to my marriage, and it has a hair trigger. I'm so afraid to do ANYTHING right now.


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## Andy1001

What is the timeline here.
Did you rediscover your love for your husband when you realized that even though you treated him like dirt,lied,cheated and gaslit him,someone else found him attractive and is now sleeping with him.
It turns out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
Karma is a ***** isn’t it?


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## personofinterest

There are some people who think character is fluid and dependent upon others. In other words, since you had an affair 1st his is fine. I'm not one of those people. I want to have good character even if other people don't and I don't think that I get a pass to be badd because someone else was badd. That said, it sounds like your affair was compounded by continual lies and mis treatment of your husband. Make no mistake, his affair is in fact wrong to. But he is was likely born of desperation and heartbreak over yours, so it is a bit different. I don't think you can really come at this in the same way a regular betrayed spouse would. I think you need to lay it all out there like you have for us and get completely honest. You do not have to accept his affair, but you don't get to be as hard line as someone who has never cheated would.


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