# erotic novel addiction?



## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Ok. I've been away from here a while. My wife got on line and tracked down everything I said before and had a fit. We still are not on a regular agenda. We did have sex a few days ago but it's like thats enough for a couple months or more so dont bring it up again. But... she reads at least one erotic/porn novel a day. There are deliveries at least twice a week from amazon.com and she says shes not interested in sex. I've checked these books out. They are about sex, nasty sex, the kind we used to have and she still claims shes not interested. Can she be addicted? What could she be getting out of them? She says she doesny masturbate but I just dont know. The thought of it is really confusing. Does she want something that I'm not. Does she want something else? Is it an addiction? She's beautiful and I love her so much but I don't know what to do. I desire her every moment and I think about her getting all worked up without me and it flips me out. I would do anything she asks but she won't even talk about sex with me. she says she gets embarrased.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

ahhhh those erotic books are sometimes worse than porn! They often depict the "perfect" man or woman, often the reader begins to believe that is how their spouse should act, forgetting that it is just a fantasy (most are fictional books).

If her interaction with you was that of a normal wife then I would say don't worry but it appears she has substituted the books for your sex life.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I find it humorous that some people think porn is bad, but read those books like they are no big deal. I can remember those books from years ago, and even though maybe not as descriptive back then, still quite steamy. Even magazines that cater to women have gotten quite erotic and edgy, Cosmo for sure but i have even seen some interesting articles directed towards sex and women in others that you might not expect.

Sex sells. I think your wife is definately turned on by those books and may very well be taking care of herself. Why would it be any different than a man hacking off to porn?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Porn stories can really arouse me. Actually I prefer reading porn stories than watching porn. But I only do it when my husband licks me because this way I can come very fast!

Women have good imagination, we have pictures in our mind when we read something. So porn stories can work better than porn videos for women. 

Don't know why she doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## Lostmind30 (Sep 26, 2010)

I have to agree with greenpearl. I don't go to the extent of including hubby while reading, but I do use them to increase my libido. Hubby would like 3 or more times a week. I could go a month before a "needing" hit me. 
I found the paranormal romance books like true blood and now I love them. They give me erotic ideas that I then turn around and incorporate hubby in. Now I always have one with me, but I read them at lunch at work or while relaxing in the tub, but I don't keep my face in them. 
If the books are doing the exact opposite for your wife, or so you believe, maybe you could do like many people on here suggest. Try to imitate that which she likes. Take one night when you know you will have the time and lay out rose petals and candles. Turn on some romantic music and put on new sheets. Have the house clean and food delivered. Things like that which may put her in the middle of one of her books. 
Now the down side would be that she may come to expect that, but if it works once just tell her that it was a special time that you can't do every episode, but that you will try to at least every so often. 
If it doesn't work, then I suggest just confronting her and telling her how you feel. Then maybe suggest counseling to see if the problem lies deeper. 
Good luck and sorry for your problems.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Ok, i tried to talk to her about the books and what she gets out of them. i even tried to read one and it was highly erotic. i asked if she gets aroused when she reads them and she said its just reading a book. she doesn't have any sexual feeling at all from reading them. I'm really confused here. Why would you read erotic stories? does any one else read books like these and not have some effect on them. Am i being lied to. I wound up sleeping on the couch and i don't like the thoughts that are going through my mind. I don't want to be without her because i feel that i love her so much but it feels that the love is only one sided. She told me that she loved me but i said those are words and that i didn't feel love from her. i'm 56 and i don't want the rest of my life to be a time of sexless misery. I've tried the candles and breakfast in bed, hell i do all the cooking. Is this the end of twenty years?


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Oh, she will NOT go to counseling with me. She says it always gets turned around on her!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Men have sexual desire to very old age. But I get the impression that women don't want sex anymore after menopause. I don't know. I am not sure. We have to ask women who are around sixties. I want myself to have sexual desire when I am in my 60's and 70's. But who knows!

Maybe she wants to build up her sexual desire, that's why she is reading those books. Maybe those books can't help her, she is frustrated, too.


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

bumpgrind1 said:


> Ok. I've been away from here a while. My wife got on line and tracked down everything I said before and had a fit. We still are not on a regular agenda. We did have sex a few days ago but it's like thats enough for a couple months or more so dont bring it up again. But... she reads at least one erotic/porn novel a day. There are deliveries at least twice a week from amazon.com and she says shes not interested in sex. I've checked these books out. They are about sex, nasty sex, the kind we used to have and she still claims shes not interested. Can she be addicted? What could she be getting out of them? She says she doesny masturbate but I just dont know. The thought of it is really confusing. Does she want something that I'm not. Does she want something else? Is it an addiction? She's beautiful and I love her so much but I don't know what to do. I desire her every moment and I think about her getting all worked up without me and it flips me out. I would do anything she asks but she won't even talk about sex with me. she says she gets embarrased.


From this brief description you've given us I see huge potential for a breakthrough in your relationship. What you need to do is sit down and have heartfelt...brutally honest communication about your sexual relationship. You may need a third party (sex therapist) to get involved. Here is my advice...take it for what you will: don't make a big deal out of the erotic literature. Just let her enjoy it. But...tell her you want to know her better and breakthrough the potential embarrassment. Tell her she doesn't need to hide anything because you accept her...all of her...no matter what. Tell her that the fact that she is into sex and obviously fantasizes about it is a turn on for you and you'd like to know what it is that really turns her on...no matter how "embarrassing". There is a book by Dr. Tammy Nelson called "Getting the Sex You Want" that may be useful in this situation. To be honest...I'm a bit jealous. I wish I had your problem because your wife is obviously interested in sex. You just need a communication breakthrough...don't give up!

Good luck!
CC


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

chingchang said:


> From this brief description you've given us I see huge potential for a breakthrough in your relationship. What you need to do is sit down and have heartfelt...brutally honest communication about your sexual relationship. You may need a third party (sex therapist) to get involved. Here is my advice...take it for what you will: don't make a big deal out of the erotic literature. Just let her enjoy it. But...tell her you want to know her better and breakthrough the potential embarrassment. Tell her she doesn't need to hide anything because you accept her...all of her...no matter what. Tell her that the fact that she is into sex and obviously fantasizes about it is a turn on for you and you'd like to know what it is that really turns her on...no matter how "embarrassing". There is a book by Dr. Tammy Nelson called "Getting the Sex You Want" that may be useful in this situation. To be honest...I'm a bit jealous. I wish I had your problem because your wife is obviously interested in sex. You just need a communication breakthrough...don't give up!
> 
> Good luck!
> CC


I don't know where you got the impression shes interested in sex. She says she isn't interested at all. our whole problem stems from the fact that for her its a non issue. she would be just as happy to never have it ever again. our early history was filled with wild nights and swinger clubs where she regularly hooked up with other females for girl on girl romps. that ended fifteen years ago and the sex between us gradually diminished to once every four or five months. Now when we have sex i usually feel like i've raped her. she always gets off and enjoys it but she really says she could do without it. im 56 shes 38 and like i said earlier, she will NOT go to any kind of counseling with me.
and we've had these "heartfelt discussions" before. I talk about my concerns and she just stares at me. She doesnt see it as a problem and just sort of shrugs her shoulders and says " what do you want me to do?" knowing that she'll just continue to dismiss it. I'm sick inside over this relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

most advice here is centered around everything you should do to help improve the sutuation while she has apparently totally checked out on you and doesnt have to do anything. unless you have been abusive, she has the obligation to help this situation. if she just simply doesnt try and doesnt seem to even care about your needs, your options become very limited. she either needs a wake up call or you need to find a real partner. The caviat to all this is that, as usual, we are only hearing one side and have to take it as you describe it. 

i was in a similar situation, that is minimal sexual interest from my wife. i just backed way off, became more dominant in all areas of our life (not nasty, just matter of fact about everything) and guess what, she apparently became more sexually interested. i have stayed the course and things are definately better. i would try backing off and act less interested and see what happens.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I desire her every moment 
This is your quote. 

I think like was said you should back off. Find other interests etc. back off. 

This may work although her lack of wanting to go to therapy is indicative of someone who for one reason or another has stopped caring. I would let her know this is your perception of her and the attitude that you PERCIEVE her to have about the relationship and this hurts you. Someone can get defensive about thier actions, but, how you are feeling is somewhat irrifutable. 

Good luck.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

she may not wanna admit it to spoil ur mood, pride and ego, but would there be a chance that she finds it even more interesting to read than to do it with u? i dunno, maybe the age difference, the lack ofaffection, or worse whether the love is just not there anymore?


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

bumpgrind1 said:


> I don't know where you got the impression shes interested in sex. She says she isn't interested at all. our whole problem stems from the fact that for her its a non issue. she would be just as happy to never have it ever again. our early history was filled with wild nights and swinger clubs where she regularly hooked up with other females for girl on girl romps. that ended fifteen years ago and the sex between us gradually diminished to once every four or five months. Now when we have sex i usually feel like i've raped her. she always gets off and enjoys it but she really says she could do without it. im 56 shes 38 and like i said earlier, she will NOT go to any kind of counseling with me.
> and we've had these "heartfelt discussions" before. I talk about my concerns and she just stares at me. She doesnt see it as a problem and just sort of shrugs her shoulders and says " what do you want me to do?" knowing that she'll just continue to dismiss it. I'm sick inside over this relationship.


Hugs man. I'm sorry. I assumed she was interested because she is reading erotic novels. If she refuses to go to counseling with you I think you have a choice to make. Sorry.

CC


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