# My sexual frustration and considering divorce.



## MrMojoGenX

Married about 15 years with 3 young children. We are both conservative. We both had some religious hang-ups about sex. I’m over mine, but my wife still has some hang-ups. When we have sex, it is ok. We are both attractive and fairly successful. She is very passive about sex and kind of shy about her body; she is somewhat of a prude and inhibited. I have tried everything I can to help her open up, and she has a little, but not a lot.

The main problem is that she has HSV-1 genitally, and she has outbreaks often because of it. (Most people have HSV-1 by adulthood. It’s usually indicated as a cold sore, and rarely as a genital infection.) It is assumed that I have HSV-1 genitally (probably from my first & ex-wife), but I don’t ever show any symptoms. There is no cure for HSV-1, but anti-viral medication can significantly reduce the re-occurrence and severity of outbreaks. However, none of the usual treatments (Acyclovir, Valtrex or Famvir) have been very effective for her.

My wife contracted HSV-1 genitally immediately after marriage when we had sex for the first time. For most of the time in our marriage, her outbreaks have interfered with our sex life. I feel like she was not doing enough to figure out why she was having problems despite the treatments. Add to it that she is not affectionate by nature, she is very passive and plain sexually, and a number of other personality incompatibilities. This situation has been very frustrating to me. We both lived a celibate life until marriage. I did so with the hope of bonding and enjoying a full and complete relationship in marriage, and I feel like I’ve been robbed of having a relationship like that after having prepared myself so well for marriage.

It has been hard for me to accept or acknowledge, but I also now feel that I made a mistake in marrying my wife; although she is a nice and decent person, I do not like her as a spouse. I had many doubts before we were married, and in part because she is generally a nice and decent person, I went through with the marriage believing that the things about our relationship that bothered me would improve, but they never have. We just are not very compatible, and so I do not accept her for who she is. I could continue to try to tolerate the things that aggravate me about her, but I have been very unfulfilled in this relationship, and I don’t expect anything to change.

We have discussed our relationship over and over. I’ve explained myself and my feelings to her again and again. We are in marital counseling, which hasn’t changed anything. Also, neither of us wants to divorce because we feel strongly about staying together for the sake of our children. In some ways we feel that regardless of our dissatisfaction, we need to be responsible, including sacrificing our needs, for the sake of our kids.

For some time I’ve been struggling with having an affair. My wife knows I’m struggling, but this has not changed anything on her part. So, as much as I want to keep trying, I don’t think the next 15 years are going to be much different than the last 15: sexual frustration, which has prevented me from bonding with her, and has made me more and more apathetic.

If I had any hope that she would have substantial relief from her HSV-1 outbreaks, I would still try for the relationship that I had hoped for. I believe I could learn to love her for who she is if I could at least have sexual fulfillment, but I feel just plain neglected. So, I have nearly decided upon divorce, and to start over with a new relationship when I’m ready.

Divorce would be particularly bitter for her given that she may never have a normal sex relationship because of her condition. Particularly bitter since she was infected from me.

What would you do if you were me? Give up and start over? Or stick it out and maybe end up in an affair?


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## MrMojoGenX

More thoughts from me about a guy in a similar situation:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...40296-grown-weary-trying-hold.html#post595691


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Wow, you gave your wife herpes and now your not happy with your sex life? As a woman, I can't believe how she felt when she learned that she contracted it from you. I've never had a cold sore or fever blisters in my life, ever. I highly doubt I have the virus, but my best friend has them the same as your wife. This sounds a little selfish.

She says they are incredibly painful during the outbreaks. I'm not quite sure how often her outbreaks are, but she got them from her cheating husband. She states that she wishes she could air them out all day until they are healed. She uses protection whenever she has sex, so she does not spread to anyone else. She's done having children and is forced to use condoms for the rest of her life unless she finds a man who haves the GHV themselves.

Why would you end up in an affair? Why not work on your wife and your marriage. The damage is already done. What if you have an affair and not use a condom. You'll spread the disease onto someone else and the cycle continues. It takes both people to work on the marriage, that includes both the husband and wife. It really sounds like you have your mind made up. If not, start with communicating to your wife. Tell her everything. Your thoughts, fears, goals, happiness, what you want in life, but in a gentle way. Don't start pointing the finger at her accusing her of anything. Goodness, I'd be crushed if my hubby gave me herpes, I would of probably left him if it was done carelessly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> *How do you know *she's not that into sex because she's depressed with the fact that she has HSV-1?


She enjoys sex with me. I didn't state or imply otherwise. She is simply plain and passive for my tastes, but that's not the primary problem. I'd be thrilled to have plain vanilla sex on a regular basis, as would she. And yea, of course she's depressed with her condition. We both feel bad about the situation. However, she has NOT given priority to addressing her condition. That's a problem.




OneMan said:


> If all you care about is getting some sex from a "clean" woman then by all means go for it, just make sure you divorce your wife since obviously she's not good enough for you.


That last comment is just downright rude. I've always wanted a full relationship with her. She seems to be content to just continue things as they are.


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## MrMojoGenX

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> my best friend has [the virus] the same as your wife. She says they are incredibly painful during the outbreaks. I'm not quite sure how often her outbreaks are…She states that she wishes she could air them out all day until they are healed.


Yes, my wife experiences the same thing. I’m well acquainted with her condition, and I feel awful for her. Why she doesn’t try harder to address the problem is beyond me. After months and years of trying acyclovir and Valtrex with little success, she only tried Famvir for the first time a couple weeks ago. It shouldn’t take 15 years to get that far. Six months to a year sure, but 15?...



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, you gave your wife herpes and now your not happy with your sex life? As a woman, I can't believe how she felt when she learned that she contracted it from you…This sounds a little selfish… Goodness, I'd be crushed if my hubby gave me herpes, I would of probably left him if it was done carelessly.


Just to be clear, this is NOT HSV-2, which is what most people recognize as genital herpes. On the surface, I can understand your superficial comment. But on closer and deeper inspection, it’s more complicated than how you are characterizing it. I had NO CLUE that I MIGHT have HSV-1 genitally before my wife contracted it. As I stated in the original post, it is PRESUMED that I have HSV-1 genitally and that I contracted it from my ex-wife, who was the only person I had any sexual contact with besides my current wife. I have NO SYMPTOMS of HSV-1 genitally: none. So, I might not even have HSV-1 genitally. A blood test will only show that I have anti-bodies for HSV-1, but that will be the same result for every person who has ever had a cold-sore, for example on their mouth. Anyone who has had a cold-sore (approximately 80% of the population) will have HSV-1 antibodies. It is rare to have HSV-1 genitally because most people have HSV-1 antibodies from a cold-sore on their mouth in their youth. If I had any idea that I might give anyone HSV-1 genitally, I would have had a very frank discussion about it. So your presumptions about this are fairly rude and jump to conclusions. While I’m probably the source of her infection, I very much understand how awful she feels as well as my feelings for her and about my role in it. Most of our aggravation is felt toward my ex-wife, who we believe spread it to me. My wife doesn’t blame me. Honestly, I would hate to be your friend, let alone your spouse. You sound very judgmental. What you have completely ignored is my comment about my wife’s failure to be more assertive to address this condition.

Also, any good guy, as I am too, ought to be able to enjoy a healthy sex life in marriage. Particularly, when a guy has not intentional or recklessly brought about conditions that interfere with that. So, how is that wrongly selfish?



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Why would you end up in an affair?


Why does anyone end up in an affair: because I’m emotional and sexually neglected.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Why not work on your wife and your marriage. The damage is already done...It takes both people to work on the marriage, that includes both the husband and wife. It really sounds like you have your mind made up. If not, start with communicating to your wife. Tell her everything. Your thoughts, fears, goals, happiness, what you want in life, but in a gentle way. Don't start pointing the finger at her accusing her of anything.


You must have missed the part of my original post that we have been working on this since we married 15 years ago: that we have talked and talked and have seen, and are seeing a marital counselor. What fears, goals, etc. do you think I may not have already told her at this point? In a gentle way, in a frustrated way, in any good way I could…

The damage is done, but that doesn’t resolve the problems at hand, and if she would demonstrate a sense of urgency and priority to trying to deal with her condition, that would give me more hope she cares about our relationship, herself and me.

I haven’t made up my mind about divorce, but yes, I’m close to it. I’m trying to find a solid reason or reasons to give me the strength to enjoy what I can and stick to it, but after 15 years of this, I’m not finding any anymore.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> What if you have an affair and not use a condom. You'll spread the disease onto someone else and the cycle continues.


This rude comment totally jumps to conclusions.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> Well you gave the woman herpes so you shouldn't be surprised by her later behavior.


She would have no reservation in acknowledging that she is sexually passive and inhibited. This personality attribute predates any infection. You are putting words in her mouth, and jumping to conclusions with rude remarks toward me.



OneMan said:


> :bsflag: She's not the one with the problem. If you expect her to do cartwheels every time she has sex with you then that's your fault you've set an impossible standard for her, considering it was YOU who put her in that condition.


Never expected cartwheels or such. As I’ve stated above, I’d be happy just to have plain sex on a regular basis. The problem here is your rude comment.



OneMan said:


> No it wasn't rude, it was the truth, and nothing else. You're lucky to even get any sex with her. If you know there is no cure and she's been taking all of those treatments to reduce pain and outbreaks, then it's pretty self-centered for you to place blame at her feet and claiming she doesn't or hasn't tried to do anything about it.


Lucky to get any sex? That comment is so unrealistic and immature on so many levels, it’s hardly worth addressing.

I never stated or implied I blamed her for her condition or that she “hasn’t tried” or done “anything about it”. The issue there is that she has not given it the priority or urgency she ought to. There are still plenty of things to try. The question is will she try them, or take another 15 years to address it.


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## Catherine602

Did you know you were infected before marriage and did you tell your wife. 

Have you been treated to clear yourself of the virus so that you are not reinfecting her? Do you wear a condom? What has your reaction been to this horrible painful disease that you gave her? 

You might spend your time looking vigorously for innovative treatment programs for treatment and be proactive and take her for treatment. You seem to expect her to do all the work to find a cure for her condition. You seem to feel that it interfers with your sex life. That is what you get when your wife has a disease of this type. You suffer along with her. 

Her life took a very bad turn for a woman who has been virtuous. She gets an STD from a man who is unsympathetic and has outsized sexual expectations. I think need to count your blessings. Your wife has sex with your dispite the disease that you gave her. You have 3 healthy kids. Why do you think you are worthy of an exciting sex life from a woman you care nothing for? 

You can divorce and look for a clean woman but I think you self centedness has you deluded . Let's see what you look like on paper - recently divorced herpes positive man with joint custody and child support for three small kids and alimony to an ex with an incurrable venereal disease. 

Looking for a clean woman. Preference will be given to women with a good job making 6 figure. Must be willing to provide 3/4 of living expenses and take care of 3 kids part time. She must be a lady in public and provide porn sex to delight and entertain.

You expect a great deal with so little to offer. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

MrMojoGenX said:


> Yes, my wife experiences the same thing. I’m well acquainted with her condition, and I feel awful for her. Why she doesn’t try harder to address the problem is beyond me. After months and years of trying acyclovir and Valtrex with little success, she only tried Famvir for the first time a couple weeks ago. It shouldn’t take 15 years to get that far. Six months to a year sure, but 15?...
> 
> 
> 
> Just to be clear, this is NOT HSV-2, which is what most people recognize as genital herpes. On the surface, I can understand your superficial comment. But on closer and deeper inspection, it’s more complicated than how you are characterizing it. I had NO CLUE that I MIGHT have HSV-1 genitally before my wife contracted it. As I stated in the original post, it is PRESUMED that I have HSV-1 genitally and that I contracted it from my ex-wife, who was the only person I had any sexual contact with besides my current wife. I have NO SYMPTOMS of HSV-1 genitally: none. So, I might not even have HSV-1 genitally. A blood test will only show that I have anti-bodies for HSV-1, but that will be the same result for every person who has ever had a cold-sore, for example on their mouth. Anyone who has had a cold-sore (approximately 80% of the population) will have HSV-1 antibodies. It is rare to have HSV-1 genitally because most people have HSV-1 antibodies from a cold-sore on their mouth in their youth. If I had any idea that I might give anyone HSV-1 genitally, I would have had a very frank discussion about it. So your presumptions about this are fairly rude and jump to conclusions. While I’m probably the source of her infection, I very much understand how awful she feels as well as my feelings for her and about my role in it. Most of our aggravation is felt toward my ex-wife, who we believe spread it to me. My wife doesn’t blame me. Honestly, I would hate to be your friend, let alone your spouse. You sound very judgmental. What you have completely ignored is my comment about my wife’s failure to be more assertive to address this condition.
> 
> Also, any good guy, as I am too, ought to be able to enjoy a healthy sex life in marriage. Particularly, when a guy has not intentional or recklessly brought about conditions that interfere with that. So, how is that wrongly selfish?
> 
> 
> 
> Why does anyone end up in an affair: because I’m emotional and sexually neglected.
> 
> 
> 
> You must have missed the part of my original post that we have been working on this since we married 15 years ago: that we have talked and talked and have seen, and are seeing a marital counselor. What fears, goals, etc. do you think I may not have already told her at this point? In a gentle way, in a frustrated way, in any good way I could…
> 
> The damage is done, but that doesn’t resolve the problems at hand, and if she would demonstrate a sense of urgency and priority to trying to deal with her condition, that would give me more hope she cares about our relationship, herself and me.
> 
> I haven’t made up my mind about divorce, but yes, I’m close to it. I’m trying to find a solid reason or reasons to give me the strength to enjoy what I can and stick to it, but after 15 years of this, I’m not finding any anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> This rude comment totally jumps to conclusions.


Most the comments on here you claim to be rude, not just by me. We are just voicing our opinions. Giving someone a STD that is incurable is much more rude then my simple statements/opinions. You changed her life forever. She did not ask to contract it no matter what level it is. You both are entitled to a healthly sex life and marriage. Having an affair is selfish and will destroy your wife if she loves you.

Divorce her before you cheat. The least you could do is be open and honest with her. 

Not once have I ever thought about having an affair on my husband, nor would he on me. We fully respect each other and our communication is very open(100% transparent). We are each others best friend. My husband has always put my needs before his own. Even after I broke my neck, which was a life changing event for the both of us. After I broke my neck and had surgery, it took me 3 years to get back into being intimate with my husband. Not once did he complain or was disappointed with the lack of intimacy. He stood by my side and still does to this day now that I'm disabled. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry. My husband puts so much effort into our marriage and I appreciate everything he does for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMojoGenX

Catherine602 said:


> Did you know you were infected before marriage and did you tell your wife.
> 
> Have you been treated to clear yourself of the virus so that you are not reinfecting her? Do you wear a condom? What has your reaction been to this horrible painful disease that you gave her?


Did you read all of my posts on this thread? because nearly every question you ask I answered above. Read this one in particular:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...ustration-considering-divorce.html#post595773
Good grief. Lots of reading comprehension problems with the replies so far. No useful responses at all to this point.



Catherine602 said:


> You might spend your time looking vigorously for innovative treatment programs for treatment and be proactive and take her for treatment. You seem to expect her to do all the work to find a cure for her condition.


She has not welcomed my proactive attempts to help her. I would be more than happy to help her, but she does not include me like she should. This is a problem of hers.



Catherine602 said:


> Her life took a very bad turn for a woman who has been virtuous. She gets an STD from a man who is unsympathetic and has outsized sexual expectations. I think need to count your blessings. Your wife has sex with your dispite the disease that you gave her. You have 3 healthy kids. Why do you think you are worthy of an exciting sex life from a woman you care nothing for?
> 
> You can divorce and look for a clean woman but I think you self centedness has you deluded . Let's see what you look like on paper - recently divorced herpes positive man with joint custody and child support for three small kids and alimony to an ex with an incurrable venereal disease.
> 
> Looking for a clean woman. Preference will be given to women with a good job making 6 figure. Must be willing to provide 3/4 of living expenses and take care of 3 kids part time. She must be a lady in public and provide porn sex to delight and entertain.
> You expect a great deal with so little to offer.


The rest of your comment is completely uncalled for. For example, “unsympathetic”, “outsized sexual expectations”, “care nothing for”, “self-centered”, “deluded”… Those comments are very rude.

I also happen to make a very good six figure salary and have a very successful career and support my wife and children very well. She never has to work or worry about finances. And AGAIN, I have not been tested herpes positive! I HAVE NO SYMPTOMS OR OUTBREAKS TO TEST! There can you read that?

Some of you posters must be projecting your own issues or past issues you have dealt with, but at any rate you aren’t really trying to understand my situation.


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## MrMojoGenX

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Giving someone a STD that is incurable is much more rude then my simple statements/opinions. You changed her life forever. She did not ask to contract it no matter what level it is.


Presuming I have HSV-1 genitally, you understand that I did not ask for this either, right? That I was an innocent person who probably contracted it from my former wife at the time, right? And that it also changed my life forever, right? And that I had NO IDEA I had it, right?

It is NOT rude of me to give someone a STD, when I had no idea, AND I acted very responsibly in my sex life prior to having a relationship with my current wife. I felt terrible!

This is simply a tragedy. Not necessarily where someone is to blame, but most of the comments seem to be stuck on that because there is an STD, someone must be to blame. As I said, my wife doesn’t blame me. She is more mature than that to understand that I didn’t know, I wasn’t reckless, and I didn’t intend to hurt her.

You all have said a lot of rude things to me and about me that were completely uncalled for.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You both are entitled to a healthly sex life and marriage.


Thank you. That is a positive and validating comment.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Having an affair is selfish and will destroy your wife if she loves you. Divorce her before you cheat. The least you could do is be open and honest with her.


I agree. I’d rather just divorce than hurt her. I have been very open and honest with her. As I said in the original post, I have told her that I am struggling so that we can work thru this together.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not once have I ever thought about having an affair on my husband, nor would he on me. We fully respect each other and our communication is very open(100% transparent). We are each others best friend. My husband has always put my needs before his own. Even after I broke my neck, which was a life changing event for the both of us. After I broke my neck and had surgery, it took me 3 years to get back into being intimate with my husband. Not once did he complain or was disappointed with the lack of intimacy. He stood by my side and still does to this day now that I'm disabled. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry. My husband puts so much effort into our marriage and I appreciate everything he does for me!


Good for you! You are very fortunate. However, how many years of marriage were you able to build a bond and strength in your marriage before you broke your neck? You were both able to build a reservoir of love to draw from and hope for. My wife contracted this on day one on our wedding night. We’ve never had a chance to bond well. We didn’t even know what was wrong at first! And on top of it our personality incompatibilities, and it seems we were doomed to fail from the beginning.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> You blamed her for a condition you gave her, and then turns around and asks for more sex.


No, and no. That's not an accurate understanding of my posts.



OneMan said:


> Obviously if she's having sex with you she's still trying, but it is also obvious you don't appreciate her efforts in pleasing you.


She is trying, but yes, I'm not so happy because it's not a high enough priority in her life to my satisfaction.



OneMan said:


> You'll have an affair if you want to, no need to ask.


No, I don't want an affair. I want a happy marriage, but it takes two to try THEIR BEST.


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## that_girl

Genital issues can cause total emotional/mental blocks on sex.

I had genital warts once (yea, don't judge) from an ex lover...yep. They have gone away and haven't returned in years! (thank god) but for that time, i was not into sex...it's embarrassing.

But yea, she got the herpes from you. So...that's a little yucky too. You never got tested before? Eesh.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> You said you got [HSV-1 genitally] from your ex-wife.


NO. I NEVER SAID THAT! I SAID “PROBABLY”, quote: “*probably* from my first & ex-wife”

No wonder your wife cheated on you and left you. You never listened or tried to understand a thing she said!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I broke my neck 3.5 years ago. We've been married 12 years. I'm still in my 30's and fairly young. My husband and I are extremely compatible and we do have a very deep bond with one another. I ran 36 miles a week before I broke my neck, now I spend a good portion of my day resting. This has altered my body shape a little. My husband and I have zero expectations of each other, therefore eliminating any resentments toward each other. We are also emotionally/physically connected to each other, which is very important in a marriage. If your wife is not emotionally connected to you, she will not desire a sexual relationship from you.

Honestly, my drive is currently higher then my husband's. He does so much for me and goes above and beyond what most men would do for their wives. I do recognize this and I always remind him the appreciation he deserves. His feelings towards me are as strong as mine are to him. We do deeply desire each other despite my physical appearance. I'm no longer toned and look quite the same. My husband is a triathlete and loves to race in ironmans. He's very athletic. 

You are absolutely right, I'm very fortunate to have my husband. We work well together as a team. We communicate well and easily compromise on any issue. We started off very very well from day one. Our marriage has always been strong despite our struggles and setbacks. We both work equally hard to keep it going strong. 

Good luck with whatever happens. Try to understand your wife. Most of us women are very emotional and these emotions run our lives. It's the way we were built.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMojoGenX

that_girl said:


> You never got tested before? Eesh.


But why would I get tested before my current wife? My ex-wife said she was tested and didn't have any STDs. My ex-wife didn't show any symptoms. I didn't show any symptoms. And in fact unless either of us showed any genital outbreak, there is no way to positively confirm HSV-1 genital infection.

My ex-wife was the only one I had sexual contact besides my current wife. I had no reason to believe I had an STD, and again because I don't have symptoms or outbreak, I still cannot positively confirm that I do.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> Doesn't have anything to do with comprehension. We all told you what we think you should do and you dismissed that. Your call, but it seems you're only here for validation instead of constructive advice, which we gave you.


Very little of the posts here have offered constructive advice. That you think that it does reflects poorly on your intelligence.



OneMan said:


> In the whole 15 years ya'll been married and not once she didn't ask for your help? Kinda hard to believe, but if true I can understand why she wouldn't.


Yes, not once, and that is not the only thing. That is just the kind of person she is since before we were married. She has a lot of quirky behaviors that I have just come to accept. So, for you to add, “I can understand why she wouldn't” is just rude.



OneMan said:


> You only state that because she isn't giving you a boat load of sex every day.


That’s a lie. I never said or implied that and have repeatedly said, “regular sex”. How about even just a handjob once a month?! You are ridiculous!



OneMan said:


> Or have you forgotten already that when married, both spouses are in it together?


What a condescending remark. If I were your wife, I would’ve left you too just based on your behavior here in such a short time.



OneMan said:


> No those comments were called for, you just don't want to hear the truth about yourself.


So, now you are the arbiter of truth? No wonder your wife cheated on you and left you.



OneMan said:


> You know you should've treated your wife better. If anything, you would be supporting her emotionally instead of thinking solely about sex constantly. The woman popped out 3 kids for you and still has the energy to have sex with you, without fully succumbing to severe depression, like most women would do in her position. Instead of being thankful you continue to think only about your wants.


Generally, I’ve been good to my wife, and generally she’s been good to me. You WAY don’t understand the situation. It’s also funny, you state “both spouses are in it together”, but apparently she get a free pass for everything or anything?



OneMan said:


> We understand your situation, you just don't want to take the time to acknowledge you are wrong.


Frankly, with responses like yours, it’s not likely you understand much of your own life, let alone mine.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> My life?lol My life is still here and it's better than ever.


"life" was a typo for "wife", which I corrected, and you know what I meant, which tells me you have very little integrity and honesty with yourself.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> So either you gave it to her or you're implying your wife cheated, which is highly unlikely in this case.


No you are assuming too much because you are ignorant about how HSV-1 might be transmitted to genitals. There is more than one way to get HSV-1 genitally, not just intercourse.

And no, I don't think that my wife cheated.


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## MrMojoGenX

OneMan said:


> Yes you do [want an affair], you said it yourself.


Absolutely false. Never said or implied that. I stated I was struggling with trying to avoid having an affair, as any normal man might in my situation, and I discussed it with my wife so that we could work thru it together.



OneMan said:


> You want some new, "clean" woman that knocks your socks off, instead of having to be careful and considerate of your wife's feelings and her body. I think if that "clean" woman knew about your situation, she would run for the hills.


Absolutely false. I never said or impled I wanted a "clean" woman or even anything like that. With your hair-brained responses, I think you have confused someone else's post with mine. :rofl:

Why don't you just run on now and go play with your tinker toys. Your posts are not welcome on my thread.


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## MEM2020

MrMojo,

When my W started experiencing pain in intercourse it was tough for both of us. It is also true that she has made an effort to be a great partner despite intercourse often being a non-option.

Long term, i would not have been ok with her taking a "oh well I guess we just won't hardly ever have sex" approach. Plus she is highly affectionate which is just as big a deal to me. 

The way you describe this - was like getting hit by lightning. The only thing I do question is why you didn't sort it out before having kids. 





MrMojoGenX said:


> Yes, my wife experiences the same thing. I’m well acquainted with her condition, and I feel awful for her. Why she doesn’t try harder to address the problem is beyond me. After months and years of trying acyclovir and Valtrex with little success, she only tried Famvir for the first time a couple weeks ago. It shouldn’t take 15 years to get that far. Six months to a year sure, but 15?...
> 
> 
> 
> Just to be clear, this is NOT HSV-2, which is what most people recognize as genital herpes. On the surface, I can understand your superficial comment. But on closer and deeper inspection, it’s more complicated than how you are characterizing it. I had NO CLUE that I MIGHT have HSV-1 genitally before my wife contracted it. As I stated in the original post, it is PRESUMED that I have HSV-1 genitally and that I contracted it from my ex-wife, who was the only person I had any sexual contact with besides my current wife. I have NO SYMPTOMS of HSV-1 genitally: none. So, I might not even have HSV-1 genitally. A blood test will only show that I have anti-bodies for HSV-1, but that will be the same result for every person who has ever had a cold-sore, for example on their mouth. Anyone who has had a cold-sore (approximately 80% of the population) will have HSV-1 antibodies. It is rare to have HSV-1 genitally because most people have HSV-1 antibodies from a cold-sore on their mouth in their youth. If I had any idea that I might give anyone HSV-1 genitally, I would have had a very frank discussion about it. So your presumptions about this are fairly rude and jump to conclusions. While I’m probably the source of her infection, I very much understand how awful she feels as well as my feelings for her and about my role in it. Most of our aggravation is felt toward my ex-wife, who we believe spread it to me. My wife doesn’t blame me. Honestly, I would hate to be your friend, let alone your spouse. You sound very judgmental. What you have completely ignored is my comment about my wife’s failure to be more assertive to address this condition.
> 
> Also, any good guy, as I am too, ought to be able to enjoy a healthy sex life in marriage. Particularly, when a guy has not intentional or recklessly brought about conditions that interfere with that. So, how is that wrongly selfish?
> 
> 
> 
> Why does anyone end up in an affair: because I’m emotional and sexually neglected.
> 
> 
> 
> You must have missed the part of my original post that we have been working on this since we married 15 years ago: that we have talked and talked and have seen, and are seeing a marital counselor. What fears, goals, etc. do you think I may not have already told her at this point? In a gentle way, in a frustrated way, in any good way I could…
> 
> The damage is done, but that doesn’t resolve the problems at hand, and if she would demonstrate a sense of urgency and priority to trying to deal with her condition, that would give me more hope she cares about our relationship, herself and me.
> 
> I haven’t made up my mind about divorce, but yes, I’m close to it. I’m trying to find a solid reason or reasons to give me the strength to enjoy what I can and stick to it, but after 15 years of this, I’m not finding any anymore.
> 
> 
> 
> This rude comment totally jumps to conclusions.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment

MrMojoGenX said:


> If I had any hope that she would have substantial relief from her HSV-1 outbreaks, I would still try for the relationship that I had hoped for. I believe I could learn to love her for who she is if I could at least have sexual fulfillment, but I feel just plain neglected. So, I have nearly decided upon divorce, and to start over with a new relationship when I’m ready.
> 
> 
> What would you do if you were me? Give up and start over? Or stick it out and maybe end up in an affair?


Hi MrMojo ~

You've mentioned that she has been on various medications, yes? Is it possible that with little luck so far in trying to get relief from this, that she has given up hope on getting her outbreaks under control?

Has she ever been seen by an infectious diseases doctor? Would she be willing to go?

And...there's got to be more here. Because even during an outbreak, presumably you could be intimate in other ways. Does that ever happen?

How does your wife feel about all of this?

You said that you attended marriage counseling before and it 'didn't work'. What happened to get you to go to counseling? Why did you give up?

And, honestly, if you and your wife cannot resolve the issues, then divorce is always a better option than cheating.

Best wishes.


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## Catherine602

There are several things in this post that makes me suspecious that this is not real: 

I am not aware of herpes that does not respond to at lest one or a combination of antiviral agents. 

Having frequent severe outbreaks would indicate that she is severly immune compromised and that would show in other ways

She has had to have c sections for all three births if she has incurable genital herpes. Each prenancy is risky because an outbreak while pregnant could spread to the fetus. Also taking antiviral drugs in the first two trimesters may effect fetal develpoement. under these circumstances any responsible medical professional would advise her to get her tubes tied after the 2nd child, if not the first. 

The OP wants to argue, and says things to excite outrage. 

Can't keep his story strait - he is happily married, not happily married contemplating divorce, frequency is not a problem then it is, she does not refuse him then she does. 

Looking for a clean woman to infect. Now if that does not excite outrage... 

He has not been tested which is a ridiculous claim. 

No one is as cold as this man unless he is dead. 

This is probably the same person who has been posting other fantastic tales only to engage in arguments. 

I say starve him out - if he is real he is not listening anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMojoGenX

MEM11363 said:


> MrMojo,
> 
> When my W started experiencing pain in intercourse it was tough for both of us. It is also true that she has made an effort to be a great partner despite intercourse often being a non-option.
> 
> Long term, i would not have been ok with her taking a "oh well I guess we just won't hardly ever have sex" approach. Plus she is highly affectionate which is just as big a deal to me.
> 
> The way you describe this - was like getting hit by lightning. The only thing I do question is why you didn't sort it out before having kids.


Mem, thank you for a thoughtful post.

Good question. I felt somehow we would work it out. She demanded we have kids or she was going to leave, and at the time I couldn’t bear being divorced a second time, among other considerations. I love my kids. They are not a mistake. We purposely sought to have children. But I/we maybe/probably made a mistake moving forward with kids before this was sorted out.

I’m jealous of the affection. It is a big deal to me too, but my wife is not affectionate like that. I’ve kind of learned to live with that.

I’m sorry you both went thru health problems. I hope it has improved.

Yea, it came like lightning, and in some ways, I think I am only now just coming to grips with what it really means. Perhaps my optimism that things will work out have clouded my acceptance that her health really won’t improve ever. I have a hard time accepting that.

Unlike your situation, my dear wife has not made much of an effort to be a good partner despite intercourse often being a non-option. I have not learned to live with that well despite much discussion with her about it. She rarely, mostly never, initiates sex. This is just her personality. So, I/we have tried to address it in different ways, mostly unsuccessful.


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## MEM2020

Mojo,
She is somewhat better. Maybe 1/3 of the time she has no pain and we can connect in the usual way. The other 2/3 she is happy to do "other stuff". 

A different way to put this is: There is never any doubt in my mind that me and my happiness are paramount to my W. She knows the sexual part of marriage matters to me so she makes it a priority. I know she has pain and am super careful to ensure she feels no pressure to have intercourse when her condition is flaring. And we both love "touch" so every night I am not on business travel is a 'high touch' night. 

I understand you initially felt guilty about her condition and it sounds like she boot strapped that into a "we MUST have kids" move. Difficult situation for you to be in. If my W showed indifference to the physical aspect of our marriage we would quickly have a "situation". 





MrMojoGenX said:


> Mem, thank you for a thoughtful post.
> 
> Good question. I felt somehow we would work it out. She demanded we have kids or she was going to leave, and at the time I couldn’t bear being divorced a second time, among other considerations. I love my kids. They are not a mistake. We purposely sought to have children. But I/we maybe/probably made a mistake moving forward with kids before this was sorted out.
> 
> I’m jealous of the affection. It is a big deal to me too, but my wife is not affectionate like that. I’ve kind of learned to live with that.
> 
> I’m sorry you both went thru health problems. I hope it has improved.
> 
> Yea, it came like lightning, and in some ways, I think I am only now just coming to grips with what it really means. Perhaps my optimism that things will work out have clouded my acceptance that her health really won’t improve ever. I have a hard time accepting that.
> 
> Unlike your situation, my dear wife has not made much of an effort to be a good partner despite intercourse often being a non-option. I have not learned to live with that well despite much discussion with her about it. She rarely, mostly never, initiates sex. This is just her personality. So, I/we have tried to address it in different ways, mostly unsuccessful.


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## MrMojoGenX

Catherine602 said:


> There are several things in this post that makes me suspecious that this is not real:
> 
> I am not aware of herpes that does not respond to at lest one or a combination of antiviral agents.
> 
> Having frequent severe outbreaks would indicate that she is severly immune compromised and that would show in other ways


Exactly, my point! There seems to be more going on there. I have been trying to get her to take responsibility for her medical problem and get the HELP she needs to figure out what is going on! She does not include me. She gets defensive, but she doesn’t address it seriously enough. I mostly stay out of it, but I haven’t let it go. For example, we first discussed the possibility of getting some immunology diagnosis done about 8 years ago. She has yet to see an immunologist! She wouldn’t have started the Famvir if I hadn’t pressured her to get a prescription. How many times do you have to try Acyclovir and Valtrex over and over and for them not to work until you acknowledge they don’t work?




Catherine602 said:


> She has had to have c sections for all three births if she has incurable genital herpes, having 3 babies under tgese circumstances seems unusual


Incredibly, no c-sections. Yes, this was a very serious concern for us. VERY fortunately for us, she generally did not have any serious outbreaks while she was pregnant, and mostly while she was nursing. She did have other issues, but the virus seemed to go into remission during these times. We discussed possible hormone correlation to the virus. Yet she has made no attempt for diagnosis for that either. As soon as the last child was being weaned, I made it very clear to her she needed to make sure that she took care of the virus issue. I felt she ignored me. Her outbreaks started again in June and have been ongoing more or less since then.



Catherine602 said:


> The OP wants to argue, and says things to excite outrage.


Whatever, that is completely callous.



Catherine602 said:


> Can't keep his story strait - he is happily married, not happily married contemplating divorce.


Whatever. My wife is a good woman. She is not a great spouse. We generally get along, but that does not mean we are happily married. I never said we were happily married.



Catherine602 said:


> Looking for a clean woman to infect. Now if that does not excite outrage...


I HAVE NEVER SAID NOR IMPLIED I WAS LOOKING FOR A CLEAN WOMAN. And certainly not one to infect! Are you trying to be a jerk?! If so, I’d rather you just go away and not post.



Catherine602 said:


> He has not been tested which is a ridiculous claim.


I’ve never said I have not been tested. Blood tests show that I have HSV-1 antibodies, but those blood tests will show positive for HSV-1 antibodies for 80% of the population. I have had no skin samples to test because I have no outbreaks or symptoms visible to the eye.



Catherine602 said:


> This is probably the same person who has been posting other fantastic tales only to engage in arguments.


No you are dead wrong, and I would rather that you just go away and not post on my thread anymore.


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## MrMojoGenX

Enchantment, thanks for a thoughtful post.



Enchantment said:


> You've mentioned that she has been on various medications, yes? Is it possible that with little luck so far in trying to get relief from this, that she has given up hope on getting her outbreaks under control?


She might not be as optimistic as I am that maybe more can be done to get the outbreaks under control, but I don’t feel she has given up. I feel that she just doesn’t feel it’s as important to address.



Enchantment said:


> Has she ever been seen by an infectious diseases doctor? Would she be willing to go?


No, she has had an immunology blood test done, but she hasn’t seen a specialist. This is one of my complaints. I still try to persuade her to go.



Enchantment said:


> And...there's got to be more here. Because even during an outbreak, presumably you could be intimate in other ways. Does that ever happen?


When she is at the peak of her outbreaks and in pain, I do not ask for intimacy. I don’t want her to feel pressured when she is in pain and uncomfortable. But at other times during her less severe times of her outbreaks and when she does not have outbreaks, she does not try much to be intimate in other ways. As I stated in my original post, she has some sexual hang-ups. One of them is initiating sexual intimacy.



Enchantment said:


> How does your wife feel about all of this?


I could write a book to answer that question. Generally she is depressed about the situation. Putting aside sex, it’s a difficult health condition to live with and still attend to responsibilities. So, it confounds me that she doesn’t put more effort and priority into getting it under control.



Enchantment said:


> You said that you attended marriage counseling before and it 'didn't work'. What happened to get you to go to counseling? Why did you give up?


We are currently in counseling for 2 months now, and still trying on that front. We’ve tried two other times years ago, and because of money and time and the therapists involved, it was difficult to do.



Enchantment said:


> And, honestly, if you and your wife cannot resolve the issues, then divorce is always a better option than cheating.


I agree.


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## MrMojoGenX

MEM11363 said:


> Mojo,
> She is somewhat better. Maybe 1/3 of the time she has no pain and we can connect in the usual way. The other 2/3 she is happy to do "other stuff".
> 
> A different way to put this is: There is never any doubt in my mind that me and my happiness are paramount to my W. She knows the sexual part of marriage matters to me so she makes it a priority. I know she has pain and am super careful to ensure she feels no pressure to have intercourse when her condition is flaring. And we both love "touch" so every night I am not on business travel is a 'high touch' night.
> 
> I understand you initially felt guilty about her condition and it sounds like she boot strapped that into a "we MUST have kids" move. Difficult situation for you to be in. If my W showed indifference to the physical aspect of our marriage we would quickly have a "situation".


I’m glad you both have something that works. I’m not in the same boat there. There is doubt in my mind that me and my happiness are paramount to my W particularly on sex. That’s why I am at the point I am. Besides her health condition, she doesn’t demonstrate that sex is important enough. So, even in good health, there is a problem.

Yes, I did feel terrible about my role in her condition. I cared for her, we were married 7 years at that point, and we wanted kids. Despite concerns, we moved forward with kids. I believed we would be able to work out those concerns, but it hasn’t changed. I love my kids, but our choice to have kids definitely complicates matters.


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## Enchantment

MrMojoGenX said:


> Generally she is depressed about the situation. Putting aside sex, it’s a difficult health condition to live with and still attend to responsibilities. So, it confounds me that she doesn’t put more effort and priority into getting it under control.


Well, I think that may be the answer as to why she isn't putting more effort in to the whole thing. When a person is depressed, they simply don't respond with the same verve and zest that a non-depressed person would.

Perhaps you are barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. Perhaps she needs to get her *mental* health on a better footing in order to be able to tackle her *physical* health. When people have chronic conditions, it can be so very difficult for them, and depression is often a natural result.

Coping With Chronic Illnesses and Depression

Best wishes.


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