# Texting To Check Up On....



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

When does requiring one's children to text in their location and or arrival to work, school, mall or anywhere get to be controlling? As you mull over the question, the children are young adults. Both in their early 20's.

I understand parent worry about their kids. However, when does texting one's whereabouts to one's parents become controlling?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I know my kids are traveling, I want to know they got there and then got home. If they are still living at home and are out very late, I'd like a text telling me they are headed home.

Other than that, nope. The mall, school, etc. is more like what you do for a 15 year old (or younger).


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

In their early 20s?

Really?

(hopefully my incredulity at this is clearly indicative of my thoughts on the subject)


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> In their early 20s?
> 
> Really?
> 
> (hopefully my incredulity at this is clearly indicative of my thoughts on the subject)


What are your thoughts?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> What are your thoughts?


Asking my adult offspring to check in after having arrived at work or the mall is positively ludicrous.

These "kids" are adults. Old enough to vote, drink alcohol, get married, joint the military, enter into contractual obligations, etc. They need to tell mommy when they got home? Please. 

My kids are 24, 21, and 19. I have no need for them to keep me appraised of their whereabouts. 

As an adult, my parents used to ask me to give them a call after returning home from visiting them, but usually only if the weather was bad. If I forgot, my dad would call and chastise me for making my mom worry, but I think he was secretly or subconsciously concerned himself. But I figured if I was dead on the side of the road, he'd find out soon enough. I know that sounds a little callous, but that's how I felt. People say it's different when you have kids of your own, but in my case... nope. If I call at some future time and don't get a response, then I'll worry, but not until. 

Now my oldest is living in NC, but far enough inland to not need evac from the coming hurricane. But she probably can look forward to extreme rain, high winds, and an extensive power outage. I did ask if she was prepared, and she assured me she was (she grew up in blizzard country, so she knows how to prepare for being housebound without power for an extended period of time). It'll be nice if she calls or texts after the storm passes, but I don't expect it, nor will I assume the worst if she doesn't. 

As my Thing 2 (daughter, 21) likes to remind my wife, that phone works both ways.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears both RMY and personofinterest think along the same lines as I do. Long travel please call or text arrival. Going to be late, please text or call. Anything above or beyond that I don't believe texting is needed. It appears to be controlling to me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Now that I'm over 50, I don't call mom much to give travel updates. I usually call my sister, or my kids. There is a point where safety and politeness requires communication. There was a character in a book I once read who was a military pilot. Whenever there was an accident on the base or anywhere near where he was, he would call home, he wasn't allowed to say what had happened but he found a way to set in his wife's mind what time it was. Then when the news released info about the accident, she would know it couldn't have been him because he had called. 
Another example is when I take scouts hiking. When we get into the vehicles to travel home, we text or call the parents, so they know where we are, that we are safe, and about what time we will get home. 

It's not a matter of control, it's about courtesy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm 40, and live roughly 20 minutes away from my parents. When I leave their home to go back to my own home, my Mom requires a phonecall to let her know that I made it home okay. The only exceptions were always if I was driving with my former husband. I find it a little controlling, but if it sets her mind at ease for me to make a 5 minute phonecall, I don't mind.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm assuming you don't contact people when you arrive at the grocery store or the mall, correct Mr. Nail?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Indeed. 

Courtesy works both ways... as in also not expecting/demanding silly levels of monitoring.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> When does requiring one's children to text in their location and or arrival to work, school, mall or anywhere get to be controlling? As you mull over the question, the children are young adults. Both in their early 20's.
> 
> I understand parent worry about their kids. However, when does texting one's whereabouts to one's parents become controlling?


When you get the response... Seriously? or Really?

Then you know it is more about your anxiety than them being independent capable adults. 

BTW, It's just work, school, and the mall, not Afghanistan.

Let them go.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Early 20's??? No, lol.

First time driving in bad weather as a teen/new driver? Yes.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> I'm assuming you don't contact people when you arrive at the grocery store or the mall, correct Mr. Nail?


What's a mall?
Of course I call from the grocery store, how else will I know what they forgot to put on the list?

I currently live within easy walking distance of the grocery and the school, but I have lived 60 minutes away. Maybe it's a country thing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> When does requiring one's children to text in their location and or arrival to work, school, mall or anywhere get to be controlling? As you mull over the question, the children are young adults. Both in their early 20's.
> 
> I understand parent worry about their kids. However, when does texting one's whereabouts to one's parents become controlling?


I only want to know if they are going long distance, driving, flying, particularly late at night, when they arrived safely, to just sent a sms. 
It is controlling if the parent wants a constant update on their location at all times. If they are adults (not teenagers) that is a big no no.
My kids would not reply


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I'm assuming you don't contact people when you arrive at the grocery store or the mall, correct Mr. Nail?
> ...


 OK, as someone who used to live in the lower arm pit of Alabama this made me chuckle. I know what you mean about the 60 minutes away from any decent store.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Early 20's??? No, lol.
> 
> First time driving in bad weather as a teen/new driver? Yes.


Teenager with newly acquired license absolutely. I would guess that some young adults like that mom/dad are asking for a text assuring all is ok upon arrival to where ever. Makes them feel loved and cared for? I don't know. Some get a bit tired of it. This I have witnessed. 

In my day(when off to college) I would call and assure my arrival was without incident. From then on it was write a letter and call(collect LOL) once a week. It helped form my independence, situational awareness and being responsible. 

anchorwatch nailed it with an anxiety issue. I understand a parent gets worrisome with their children out and about. I also understand it can become overkill with constant text that they have arrived to point A, B and C when point A, B and C are just around the corner. To alleviate that anxiety and the mind running wild, a text needs to be received.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I'm 40, and live roughly 20 minutes away from my parents. When I leave their home to go back to my own home, my Mom requires a phonecall to let her know that I made it home okay. The only exceptions were always if I was driving with my former husband. I find it a little controlling, but if it sets her mind at ease for me to make a 5 minute phonecall, I don't mind.


I can understand a call to mom upon arriving home. All good. But any other movement I don't see the need and the only value is to ease anxiety.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My 17-year-old daughter and I had to take her dad to therapy to get the therapist to tell him he needs to allow her to go to the mall without him. :/

It took many years after that before he stopped expecting her to give him whereabouts. And drove a huge guilt issue in her for it. She's 28 now and still has issues with his overbearing-ness.

Traveling to another city? Fine. Let your family know. Going to be late to an arranged appointment? Let them know. Other than that? Hell no.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> When does requiring one's children to text in their location and or arrival to work, school, mall or anywhere get to be controlling?


Immediately upon their being old enough to do those things independently.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

My Dad was always giving me hassle for going weeks without calling my mom but she wasn’t worried really,she said it it was him who worried. 
I wish they were both still around to hassle me.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Long ago, in a land far, far away, my then BF's bother would flip **** if BF did not call her at LEAST weekly. His parents tried hard to drive a wedge between himself and them with their constant nagging and negging.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In Asia, I note parents are much more controlling, even kids who are mid 20's have to check in. When they go overseas to study in many cases a parent (usually the mother) goes with them and often stays in the same country for the 3 years. It really beggars belief.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In the pre digital age, constant checking in with someone would have been more dangerous than not checking in at all. Does anyone remember trying to find a functional public phone at the filling station, the 7-11 or anywhere else that was open after 9pm. 

I had a couple of boyfriends who would do that "but I care about you " routine," if you're going to be late, just call me." which of course makes you even later ...... as long as no one slipped into your car while you were making the call. when I moved city, my parents became less protective, thank goodness....... but the boyfriends, what a way to control someone.

I would say now that just because technology and commercialism has made making a call or sending a text a cheap, easy and relatively safe thing to do (as long as you stop driving to do it) , it still doesn't make it right. 

Have you asked your husband why he needs this high level of reporting from his adult children.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

It becomes controlling after they turn 18. 20 is rediculas and to me a sign of poor parenting. If the kids aren't responsible and trustworthy by then, the parent failed.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My 18 year old son is living away at college. He knows to call me if he's traveling, if the weather if truly dire, or if he's running late to meet me. Otherwise, I generally hear from him via text a couple of times a week or so, just checking in and chatting. But I would never dream of trying to insist that he calls/texts to verify his safety and whereabouts at every turn. For one thing, he'd think I'd lost my damned mind. I didn't even try to do that when he was living at home. And for another, I trust him to make good decisions. If something bad were to happen, he would let me know. If he needed help, he would let me know. If he weren't able to contact me himself, someone else would eventually let me know. Fretting about it would just make both of us anxious and fearful. 

My parenting goal was to raise a fully functional, self-sufficient, contributing member of society. My job now is to continually move forward with letting him be that.


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