# Dealing with family-in-law - suggestions needed



## had-quite-enough (Apr 2, 2014)

I have been dealing with my husband's family who choose to live in denial. This frustrates me greatly to the point where i can take no more. 

The brother-in-law is the root cause. Some background information. My husband and the brother is a pair of twin, twin jealousy stories is aplenty. My husband is more outstanding between the 2, somehow or the other, through comparison by their parents and whats not, the brother developed inferior complexity. 

I'm an Asian, and my in-laws came from rather traditional families. The whole mess took place when i was newly married into the family. The brother then has a gf and he wasn't happy at all when the family did not extend the invite to his gf for reunion dinner. He did not understand the parents' view. Instead of straightening this out with his parents, he took to his blog to smear my name. He wrote stuff like i'm fatter than his gf, not as pretty as his gf and yet he doesn't understand why i am getting the preferential treatment. I chanced upon his blog and i blew my top upon seeing such accusation! I confronted him and scolded the whole family for creating such mess. 

I even developed depression where i seek professional treatment. But after the confrontation, the family instead of reprimanding him for his actions, protected him and keep on insisting that he will change. Yes, initially he did change, he did apologize for what he wrote about me. But, to me, sincerity is more important than anything else. I noticed that his so-called changes were just shows for the parents, hoping that when the parents see this side of him, they will stop being angry at him. What the parents failed to see is that this is just nothing but a show. 

After some time, i read on his blog again, i confirmed my doubts. He wrote in his blog that he did all those things just to appease his parents and not wanting to create scene which could tarnish his image in front of them. And he went on to say that, he must fight to win favoritism back. 

Subsequently, my husband and i saw many of his "shows". When the majority of the family is around, he will put up a nice show, he will take charge to do the dishes after dinner, start conversation and try to be a goody 2 shoes. But, if the majority of the family wasn't around, he will just come home, ignore everybody, walk straight to his room and shut his door with a loud bang. And i have never seen him wash any of his dishes after dinner if the gf isn't around. 

We tried to tell the family this, no one seem to agree with us. They keep saying he's a changed person should give him a chance. To add on, they even say we should have more empathy for him because he has inferior complexity. 

I believe that the family do know that he is acting. But what really pissing me off is that they choose to live in denial and somehow in a way, is trying to tell my husband and me to live in denial as well and family harmony is more important. I'm the one being hurt in this mess. How can i just close 2 eyes and live in denial and pretend that there's family harmony? Aren't they trying to force me to create family harmony for them? Isn't this selfish of them? 

Why should we even give in to people who has inferior complexity issues? By giving in to all their demands, isn't it telling them that yes, the world do owe u a living, as your family, we owe u a living, u can take it out on us. 

I'm really at my wits' end and can really take this no more. I cannot live with a family who constantly live in denial and paint a beautiful picture of family harmony when in fact none is in existence. If they want to do it this way, suit them, but why drag me into it? Just because i'm like part of the family? So it's my responsibility to help contribute to the so-called family harmony? 

I really appreciate if any kind soul could give me some suggestions on what to do. I have been to professional helps but things just doesn't seem to work out. My last resort is to cut off all ties, including a divorce. Since i can't fit in, i might as well leave for the betterment of my emotions.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm sorry you seem so frustrated with the situation. 

I understand that when your BIL post insults about you on his blog that it was hurtful. You said he apologized but was not sincere. There isn't anything more you can do about that situation, it's done and over. 

You don't have to like him just be cordial around him. As far as his behaviors where he puts on an act to the rest of the family. How does that effect you directly? Why do you care? 

It just seems that you are dwelling on the brother and his bad behavior when there is nothing you can do about that. So why dwell on it. Focus on yourself and your marriage.


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## had-quite-enough (Apr 2, 2014)

Coffee4me: Thanks. I guess the point is missing. The pressure came when the family keeps on trying to suggest empathy and expect us to turn up during events and bear with his behaviors. Much as i don't want to care but when the external forces keep on pressing down on, how do one do it without feeling exasperated?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The answer to that is you don't go. Let your husband see them on his own.

I've just had to do that with my inlaws...I reached breaking point and could take no more.

My husband now sees them, albeit rarely, on his own (I would never ask him to cut them off...) and I stay home.

Best decision I ever made, both for myself and for our marriage.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

had-quite-enough said:


> Coffee4me: Thanks. I guess the point is missing. The pressure came when the family keeps on trying to suggest empathy and expect us to turn up during events and bear with his behaviors. Much as i don't want to care but when the external forces keep on pressing down on, how do one do it without feeling exasperated?


I was in a situation with my MIL. I don't tolerate bad behavior. I made it clear, as did my H (we struggled at first, because he felt that I was attacking her, I felt he was not being loyal to me, etc.. but we made it). This is what we did:

1) I stopped going to visit, only when necessary (Christmas) and for very short periods (ie. 2 days)

2) My H made it clear that if she behaved badly again (drama queen) at our house, she would not be welcome back. I also said it, right in front of her.

I think she's gotten the picture! My H now asks me if we can invite her, I politely say yes, and she politely declines when he suggests it. Perfect!

I could go on and on about this, but I won't start a rant here. Put your foot down and do not interact, It's the best way to shut down manipulative, attention-seeking, unstable people.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

had-quite-enough said:


> Coffee4me: Thanks. I guess the point is missing. The pressure came when the family keeps on trying to suggest empathy and expect us to turn up during events and bear with his behaviors. Much as i don't want to care but when the external forces keep on pressing down on, how do one do it without feeling exasperated?


You most certainly don't need to show him empathy. I am wondering what you mean by "bear with his bad behaviors". Is there something specific he does to you or your husband at events that you cannot tolerate?


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## overwhelmed1984 (Apr 22, 2014)

Hi, this sounds similar to what I have gone through. It is hard when the family sides with the person who is in the wrong. It would help if your husband supported you because without his support his family will bring your marriage down. 

My husband's family have similar issues but thankfully my husband has agreed with me and has attempted to set boundaries. It is hard to do with a family so controlling and enmeshed. Hopefully your husband will support you in this.


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