# Finding Proper Support



## SingleDadof2 (Mar 9, 2015)

Hello All,

New to this site and unsure of where to turn. Hopefully someone can provide me with some insightful perspective. Here it goes...

I am a dad of a five year old son, two year old daughter, and have been with my wife for 10 years. August of last year my wife told me she was done. She had been unhappy for two years and simply didn't want to be married any longer. Complete shock to me, our friends, and family. She kept it pretty well hidden. Tried to work on it through counseling and such, but she said it was too late and she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. She also alluded to be confused about her sexual identity. She said she isn't sure if she is a lesbian since she has never been with a woman. 

Fast forward to now. She moved in with a friend of hers a week ago who is openly gay. They are posting on social media calling each other babe, saying I love you, ect. This is something new, that wasn't present up until recently. My children stay with her part of the week and my son mentions them sleeping in the same bed. 

I know I should only focus on what I can control, but there are so many things here that I'm having issues with. For starters, we are going through the divorce process but we aren't divorced yet. If she is going to be parading around with another relationship, why not do it discretely? Secondly, our children are confused and do not understand why mom no longer does things with dad. My daughter seems to be too young to understand, but my son still thinks of us as husband and wife. He simply thinks she moved because she is mad, his words not mine. We officially started the divorce process in December after Christmas. After such a long relationship, shouldn't one hold off not only for their own sake but for their kids? Lastly, I feel like I have been bamboozled and who I fell in love with was simply a facade, not who she truly is. 

This feeling of helplessness is horrible. I miss my relationship with her. I'm saddened to see my kids grow up in a broken home. Most of all, I'm sad there is nothing I can do to win her back. Anyone who has experienced sometime similar have words of wisdom or ways to cope?

Side note, I'm already seeking weekly personal counseling. Today just seems to be worse than others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it's awful.

How old are you and your wife.

You are right that your wife should not be exposing the children to this new relationship of hers. It's way to early and it will only serve to confuse them.

But it seems that she is not thinking about the wellbeing of the children.


If you live in a state in which adultery is makes a difference in child custody and any form of support, you might want to pursue that. There are a few states where it does.


All you can do not is to move on with your life. So what are you doing for yourself? How is your social life? What kinds of activities are you involved in?


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## SingleDadof2 (Mar 9, 2015)

Thanks for the reply. I'm 31 and she is 28. I live in Arizona, in which is a no fault state. We are actually going through mediation and trying to agree on things that way. I let her know about the concerns I have for our kids and exposing them too soon, but I feel it is being brushed off. 

As for what I'm doing, I've have reconnected with many old friends I lost contact with during my marriage. I also am exercising and doing more family things with my children. While I am enjoying that aspect of my life, there is a empty void I can't seem to fill.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm sorry single dad. I would say keep focusing on you. Do something every day you enjoy. Even if it's something small. And keep reaching out.

It must be incredibly hard


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yea, AZ is one of the completely no-fault states. But it also has "covenant marriages" which I suppose yours is not.

Just as a curiosity... adultery is still illegal in AZ...

Cheating Arizona Wife Could Face Jail Time Under State’s Anti-Adultery Law | Video | TheBlaze.com


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SingleDadof2 said:


> As for what I'm doing, I've have reconnected with many old friends I lost contact with during my marriage. I also am exercising and doing more family things with my children. While I am enjoying that aspect of my life, there is a empty void I can't seem to fill.


I know the feeling. At this point you need to take it one day at a time. I promise, it will get better.

One thing that might help is if you can find new activities to do. There is a website I really like, Find your people - Meetup I live in Albuquerque.. not all that far from AZ. There are a lot of really interesting things to do on that site. They are things to do with other adults and things that include children. Take a look if you will, you might find something that interests you. That way you can meet new people.

You can find divorce support groups.. search the meetup site in your area for things like "parents without partners" or "divorce" and all kinds of things should come up if you want to find people in a similar situation and find local support.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First of all, get your children into therapy. Second, you only knew what she projected and you fell in love with that construct. The construct is incompatible with reality, so you have to form a new construct. It will probably be mixed with the old her and some of the new her. Third, cut her out of your life as much as you can. Cut all communication to very little words as possible, and do not answer anything that is irrelevant other than the children. You have to learn to stop seeing and treating her like your partner. Act indifferent towards her until you can feel close to it.

Judging from what you posted, she is in the infatuation stage. Her behavior and judgement will be skewed until her hormones go to her norm. Only thing you can really do is focus on you, improve yourself, and increase the probability of a better mate selection. You can view her as an egg donor that she has rights to the children also. If you choose to see her differently,over time, your perception will change as you rewrite the construct of your ex.

As for the void, your behavior and habits have changed to include her into your life. Plus, part of your identity was meshed with that construct. You probably pictured forever and had that concept in mind when you married her. You will have to learn new habits and behavior as you, as an individual. One day, you will eventually remove her identity from yours and she will be someone from your past.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So sorry you have so much on your plate.

I second the advice about getting the kids into therapy. The poor dears must be so confused on so many levels. Is the five year old in kindergarten yet? If so, I'd start with the school counselor. If not, ask your family MD for a referral. 

Under no circumstances should any parent be exposing kids to a new partner so soon. Bad form on her part. Its not at all uncommon for separation agreements to include a clause for no overnight visitors. Courts hate them, but if both parties sign the agreement its just a contract clause like any other.

Take your time healing and reach out to all the friends and family you can. Start a project at home, rearrange the furniture, paint your bedroom. Something pro-active to make your world better. Sadly it takes time, but you and the kids will make it through this.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I'm so so sad that you are going through this. It sounds horrible. I am very glad though, that you are seeking weekly personal counselling.

When you see fit, maybe it's best to also have your children see a counsellor. It must be confusing for them, to say the least.

There is nothing you can do to win your wife back. Neither should you, if she's left the family to experiment with a new partner. You deserve health, happiness and wellbeing, and so do your children. You will find it with a new, better partner. 

Time heals all. Give it time and be an active participant in your own healing. Best wishes.


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## SingleDadof2 (Mar 9, 2015)

Thank you all for the words of support and advice. Didn't realize how therapeutic talking to others who have experienced something similar could be. I'll take a moment to respond to each person.

Littledeer, I will do something small each day for me. I think I plan on becoming an active poster here as well. Even if it isn't necessarily talking about my issue. Maybe what I'm going through could be insightful to others.

Elegirl, thanks for letting me know I have something to look forward to. I know it will get better, I simply have to remind myself of that. I enjoyed life before her, and I can enjoy it after her. Thank you for the website as well. I think meeting new people and developing friendships could be beneficial. Give me things to do as well! 

Mr. Fisty, your post spoke a lot of truth. The person I still feel for is simply a version of her I idealized. The present person is not one I want to be involved with. In a way it feels like the passing of a loved one. The person you knew is gone forever. In this case I still see her because of the kids, but she doesn't resemble who I once knew. Looking at her for who she is, not for who she was will help. Thank you for the breakdown!

Pluto2, I let her know it was inappropriate to introduce the children to her girlfriend so soon, but unfortunately my words hold little weight. Therapy for my son may be a good way to circumvent the environment she has placed him in. Not sure why am hesitant about it. Especially considering I'm going through it myself. I may set up a session or two to see what can be gained from it. It can only help right. My son isn't in school yet. He starts kindergarten in August. 

Orange, I second the counseling bit. If this is confusing for my adult mind, I can only imagine what they are thinking. As you said, time heals all. I can't wait until a few years from now and all this will be a distant memory.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SingleDadof2 said:


> ...
> 
> Didn't realize how therapeutic talking to others who have experienced something similar could be.
> 
> ....I think I plan on becoming an active poster here as well. Even if it isn't necessarily talking about my issue. Maybe what I'm going through could be insightful to others.


Well then welcome to TAM!!!

.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this. The exact same thing happened to some friends of mine (kids ages and genders are the same thing, for a second there I was afraid you were him! But wrong side of the country, whew).

It sucks. I think there's no way to go but to push through. I've really benefited from therapy, I hope you will too.


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## SingleDadof2 (Mar 9, 2015)

Hello All,

Just wanted to give an update to the online community. I am at a better point than I was earlier this month. Much to the thanks of many of you folks here actually. While sadness still rears it's ugly face, I don't see it as often. Actually went on a date this past weekend as well. Talk about a boost of confidence. I can see light at the end of the tunnel again where only darkness resided before. Feeling hopeful! 

Side note, I also have the contact information for a child counselor to have my five year old son. Hoping to have him seen within the next week or two. I realize I need to be the rock for my children to rely on. They are depending on their father, and I don't want to let them down!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. Just keep moving forward. Like you say your kids need you to be their rock.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

SingleDadof2 said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Just wanted to give an update to the online community. I am at a better point than I was earlier this month. Much to the thanks of many of you folks here actually. While sadness still rears it's ugly face, I don't see it as often. Actually went on a date this past weekend as well. Talk about a boost of confidence. I can see light at the end of the tunnel again where only darkness resided before. Feeling hopeful!
> 
> Side note, I also have the contact information for a child counselor to have my five year old seen. Hoping to have him seen within the next week or two. I realize I need to be the rock for my children to rely on. They are depending on their father, and I don't want to let them down!


This warms my heart - I am happy to see that you're taking your own wellbeing seriously, getting out there and also being a good dad to your children. A lot of parents go through the motions and can't control their reactions during a stressful situation like divorce, and of course that has a direct impact on the kids. To see that you're actively partaking in their well-being by seeking out a children's counsellor, shows how important they are to you. Tip of the hat to you!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is great news! And I can't begin to tell you how it warms my heart to hear all the love you have for your son.
One small piece of advice. Its not at all unusual or even unexpected to have some ups and downs during this dreadful process. So just be aware that its a possibility. If you should feel down, know that its par for the course, and that you will come back up. Usually even stronger than before.
Do you have any plans for the summer with your son?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You were in a negative state before, with a negative mindset, so you projected your anxiety and that is why you had a dim view of your future. The positive steps you have taken help change your mindset, and given you a new view. Doing anything that nets a positive in your well-being, changes the biochemistry of your brain, affecting how you think and behave. Good job on the improvements, and keep them going.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yay! So glad to hear a good update.


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