# Porn



## Paige Fouts (Feb 28, 2017)

Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

...


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm not a newly wed. But a lot of people watch porn. If he is watching porn and not having sex with you, that's an issue. If he's having sex with you, but watching porn on the side, that's really not unusual.

It's really not about you.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

The problem here is respect, not porn. Your partner does not respect your feelings.

While porn is not a problem for me, I agree that if one partner is hurt by the other's porn use, then that is a problem.

The use of dating sites is inexcusable. You know his excuse was bs, why did you accept that? He was essentially looking for an opportunity to cheat on you, emotionally or physically. You need to set boundaries on what you're willing to accept from your husband and now is the time to do it.

You may need to introduce a third party opinion in the form of couples counseling to help your husband understanding that he is hurting you by ignoring your feelings. There are also excellent books that can help such as His Needs Her Needs (other more experienced posters please suggest others). It also sounds like you mau need some individual counselling yourself to deal with your insecurity and lack of boundaries.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

If you told him before the marriage no porn without your presence, then you have a leg to stand on... 

I personally would never marry a person who had such an issue with pornography.

As you point out, it's indicative of strong negative self esteem issues with the partner.


The much BIGGER problem is the dating sites he's still trolling. That's a HUGE red flag for cheating.

That alone would make me see what my annulment of the marriage options were since its only been 6 months.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you met your husband in his mid-twenties, then odds are he is already a "creature of habit" when it comes to doing what he wants online with his personal time and has always done so like it is no one else's business to tell him what he can and can't do. Combine that with your self esteem issues and you are sitting on a ticking time bomb! 

Should he still be on dating websites? No! But apparently visiting those sites and the "friendships" he made are too rewarding for him to let go. That is not good, and will likely be a source of conflict for a while. 

For me when I met my wife there was no such thing as dating websites, there was just plain ol' dating. Once my wife and I started a relationship in college, she could not help but to notice that I had a lot of female friends always saying hello to me. Not only just females, but very attractive ones that very well knew I was attracted to them and enjoyed my attention. So here I am dating my wife and along walks by this petite curly red head that comes bouncing over to give me a hug and say hello. Turns out I enjoyed that attention too at the time even though I knew there was nothing going to happen in that relationship. But eventually my soon to be wife had it, and told me that I needed to end all of my "prospective romantic friendships" and only keep my real friends. It was not an easy thing to do, because that killed the majority of my social life at the time. But it made me realize that I was a habitual prospector of romantic relationships, and I needed to just let go of that part of my personality. It took some time, but eventually I learned to devote all that attention towards my wife.

As for the porn, that is going to be a tougher one. The first thing is to make sure he understands that you are not shaming him and that it is his dishonesty on the topic that is hurting you more so than the porn. Would a man watch porn simply because he is bored? Yes! Is there better things he can be doing with his time? Yes! Will that ever change? ...let us know when you find the answer?

Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How is your sex life? You're a newlywed in your 20s. Are you having sex on most days? Are you initiating 3 or 4 times a week?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Honestly, I would be more concerned about him still being on dating sites (not to minimize the porn issue, but dating sites points more seriously to potential infidelity issues). Has that stopped?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Paige Fouts said:


> Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.


He doesn't tell you because he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

If he tells you, your self-esteem issues are triggered. If he doesn't tell you and you find out, both the self-esteem issues and his lying are the issues. He can't win so he just goes to enjoy the porn himself. 

If you set aside the dating sites for a minute (which is totally wrong of him), remember he's not looking for someone else when he looks at porn. YOU are the one that has to understand that.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I'm afraid that I did not properly address the OP's question. Yes, the dating sites are much more of a red flag to me...why on earth does a married person need to be trolling dating sites?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Paige Fouts said:


> Ok. I don't know if I'm doing this right but I need other people's input. I don't know if I'm over reacting or what. Here it is. I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We got married in Aug of 2016. We have been together for 3 years. We met on POF. alright my husband has been caught being on dating websites, porn sites, you name it. He says the dating websites where just to see who was on them. Really?. I asked him to stop or I was gone. Then the porn sites started. I ask for an explanation but get I'm a guy. I had asked him to stop that because he wasn't up front with me and talked to me about it. We have watched it together before. I'm okay with him watching it but don't keep it from me. I have extreme self esteem issues that I am trying to work on. He doesn't understand that when I find out he does this behind my back a thousand and one things go through my head. So, I just recently caught him doing it again. I lost it. He lied. He told me he was done. This time it was I was bored. OK well why lie to me. Be honest with me. Tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can make ur fantasies happen. The lying is what I have a problem with. I can't get him to understand this. He says I'm over reacting. Any other newly wed out there that can just help me. Im so lost.


All of these things along with the lies are big red flags. A married person has no reason to be on dating sites, and for me porn is a no no as well.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> *Looking at porn* and going onto dating sites when you are married is NOT perfectly normal for a man unless he has no moral values.


Per the bolded, says who? I hope you at least understand that these are solely *your* morals. Implying that a person in a relationship (whether male or female) has no moral values if they watch porn is a bit of a stretch...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd be far more concerned about his incessant lying!

And unchecked, it will only get worse over the due course of time!*


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Let's address the dating sites first. That's a big no noa and there is no acceptable explanation. In case he doesn't know it, you could go on Tinder or ****** ******* and have 50 men after you in 15 minutes if he wants to play that game.

The porn is a different story. Yes your feelings need to be discussed but if your sex life is active and often then unless your lingerie drawer is free of vibrators that you use when he is not around then if he wants to rub one out once in a while you don't get to have a double standard.

Porn can be a major issue but if that a taboo for you unless it is announced and together than the same applies for the "rabbit". 

Communication will help you


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Porn use is offensive to many women and can cause the "contrast effect," where it interferes with a husband's ability to find his wife sexually stimulating. Add to that the dishonesty, and porn can cause serious issues in a marriage. This study found that divorce rates double when people start watching porn mid-way through their marriage: Divorce rates double when people start watching porn | Science | AAAS.

Here's another article on why porn can be destructive to marriage by Dr. Harley, licensed clinical psychologist at Marriage Builders: Addiction to Pornography #1.

It's troubling that your husband dismissed your feelings when you brought it up to him. If it bothers you, he should care enough about your feelings to stop watching porn whether he agrees or not.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

He sees nothing wrong with lying and porn and use of dating sites, therefore there is no reason to expect he'll ever stop doing it.

If you can't live like this, then don't.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

stixx said:


> He sees nothing wrong with lying and porn and use of dating sites, therefore there is no reason to expect he'll ever stop doing it.
> 
> If you can't live like this, then don't.


This is so true. You have to set your personal boundaries, and let him know what they are, and that you're serious about moving on if he violates them. There really is no other way. The hardest thing I've had to learn in marriage is that you don't have to convince someone of anything. If it hurts you, bothers you, isn't ok with you, it's within your right to say "That's not going to work for me." They don't have to agree with you, they just have to realize that if they violate your boundary they could lose you. If they don't care, then that's your answer.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your sex life is not the issue, and as pointed out, porn is not the issue. Nothing you have done or not done is the issue. The issue is your husband lying and hiding things from you.

You two need counseling. He may need counseling on his own to learn how to tell the truth.

Some people find it extremely difficult to tell the truth. Personally I have a poor opinion of men, so I have a tendency to think men are inclined to intentionally lie to their wives, but it is possible your husband is just insecure and currently incapable of telling the truth.

I have been married for 43 years. My wife still suffers from being insecure, and finds it hard to just tell the truth. Even after years of counseling. Luckily, I am extremely egotistical so when I catch her it doesn't bother me much, but I do realize lying is surely one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. It is a terrible thing.

My heart hurts for you. Please be well.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

What would you say if he said hell yes i watch porn . When your being a ***** I'd rather watch porn and take care of myself.

your harsh reaction to "carching" him like he was a teenager embarrassed him into lying.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, I would be more concerned about him still being on dating sites (not to minimize the porn issue, but dating sites points more seriously to potential infidelity issues). Has that stopped?


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Being on dating sites is the real red flag to me.

The OP said that she had self image issues and porn made her feel uncomfortable with herself. That is something she should explain to her husband. 

I view porn (as long as it doesn't detract from their sex life as much like masturbation. As Bad Santa said, he is probably a creature of habit for both. Porn addiction is a totally different thing and a huge problem.

One of the things I learned in saving my marriage was that I cannot and should not believe I have a right to change my spouse, even if what they do hurts me. I can explain why what they do hurts me, but ultimately it is my spouse that gets to decide if they want to change or not. I can show my spouse that I am capable of change and I can change how I react when my spouse does something that hurts me. Ultimately, I can leave my spouse if things become too hurtful.

The OP is trying to change her husband. She shouldn't do that.

Likewise, if she has self-image issues, she needs to really work on them as they may be more than just be associated with porn, but impacting negatively her sex life with her husband. We all need to take responsibility for our own happiness and that includes sexual happiness. 

Good luck op


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