# Friends? Whose Friends? HER friends....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Noticing with all of this Divorce hooplah, that I sure did spend a lot of time with people who "originated" as my stbxw's friends.
Old friends from her highschool, friends that were closer that we spent the last fifteen years involved with (holidays, parties, bbq's, kids functions)
Now?
I feel like the biggest outsider on the face of the planet.

I have a few very few friends that arent "in her corner" so to say. Not to sound immature about it, but even in their claims of not picking sides, its not "me" that gets to continue going to their functions, parties, gatherings.
Its.... her. The cheater. The one that ruined this. 
Why do I feel the need to point this out to everyone that Hey, I didnt cause this, SHE did.

Sounds immature and childish just typing it. Maybe I have issues.

There are literally going to be close to thirty people I am going to really miss. I guess thats what happens when you entwine yourself with someone else, and get led around by the hoop in your nose. 
Many of them are good people, trying not to get caught in the middle. 
But its not "me" that gets the "how are you doing" calls from anyone.
Its not "me" that gets the invite to the pool party, "Bring the girl, my kids will be there" invites.

And some of them were actually supportive of her actions to become involved and test the waters with another man.

Its taking everything I have to prevent myself from finding him. MAybe I am placing the blame squarely on the wrong shoulders, but I dont know how to rid myself of this blackness I feel towards him for his assault, and victory over my not-so-happy-home-exposed-and-vulnerable-to-an-influence.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo its amazing that you are expressing this at the same time I am going through the same feelings. I think it may be part of the whole detachment process. A lot of my "friends" were her friends or mutual ones that usually came from her side. And now I'm starting to recognize that these so-called friends knew a lot of what was going on in her life, particularly with the infidelity, than I did, yet none of them felt the impetus to give me a heads-up, or let me know my WIFE was having sexual relationships with other men?? Now I understand it was pretty overwhelming for them too, and I didn't want to put them in the middle or pit them on her side vs my side, but I'm realizing to a certian degree her GF's were living vicariously through her affair, getting the thrill of it without having to commit the act, and their H's were getting to stroke their ego and build up their marriage by talking tough about things. I am a little sad because I'm coming to the realization that my only friends from this are the ones who DID take my side, and that I will be letting the other ones all out of my life.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lon you are so right. For people who said they wouldnt take sides, shes the one getting the calls and texts and consolation.
I guess I couldnt expect much, could I??
I feel so betrayed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You ahve to stop worrying and wondering about what everyone else says and feels.

If people don't stick with you and shun you, then that is there problem. You know the truth of what happened & that's all that mattered. Now if someone comes at you saying "Oh, I can't believe you left your poor wife, etc/fill in the blank with nonsense" you can tell them (if you so choose to do so), "Actually my wife cheated on me with X and did not want to reconcile & that is why we are divorcing." End point. 

Divorce will show you who your real friends are. If someone shuns you, hey, they just did you a favor.

Not everyone will be in your life forever, not everyone will be a friend, not everyone will like you. Fact of life.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JB, I agree completely, I'm learning not to worry too much about what people think, the ones who matter know what's really going on, or I trust will figure it out, even if they've been giving misinformation from my stbxw. It is just the filtering process right now, time to look around and take a little assessment of my life, see where I stand in my relationships with certain people in my world.


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

In my situation "our" friends are kind of split. I guess all of the men agree with me, but about half of the female friends side with me to varying degrees. This has her really upset. Last Sunday she and all of her female friends (old mutual friends, not her new work friends) met and ate lunch. My wife read them an explanation of why she is divorcing me and her spin on everything. She e-mailed me a copy of it. I call it her "manifesto". One of her friends is really angry at her. Another doesn't like what she has done or is doing but still tries to offer her advice. The others are comforting her. 

It sucks anyway. We had started a dinner group and would all eat at a different person's house each month and have a party. The very first one had kind of a situation when one of the women decided to draw "I LIKE ****S" on my wife's back and color it in like a tattoo. I didn't like it but didn't like it. I didn't make a scene about it, but the guys could tell it was bugging me (not surprising since I suspected my wife of cheating with co-workers over the past year). The woman doing the drawing was drunk and flipped me off and told me to F-off. Long story short, the dinner groups were canceled and that was probably the last time I will go to any group functions with them. The same probably goes for my wife. She may go out with the women, but probably not go to the family or couple events. I race dirt bikes with and will live 1/4 miles from one of the couples so I will probably still have a relationship with them, but that may be it.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Or in our case NO friends. Since H hightailed it to NJ and left everyone in his dust there are no friends to really speak of for either of us. They began as childhood friends, they took me into their circle and we have helped several (financially among other ways). Two of his friends were privy to the knowledge of his OW but kept it to themselves. The ones we helped with $$$ have never even made any kind of attempt to repay it, even after H called and told them to pay it back to me. Yeah, like that'll ever happen, hasn't yet in 3 years. So now we both have to make new friends. C'est la vie!


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## tyme (Jul 7, 2011)

Shoo and Lon, your situation is very similar to mine. I too have seemed to be shunned by our mutual "friends". Even one of my best friends that recently found a new GF. Had them over before we seperated twice and now she is best friends with my STBXW. Now everything i say to my friend ends up to my wife within 2 days. They are over there all the time and I only recieved 1 text from my friend in 4 months. Now it seems like i'm all alone and don't have anyone to talk too. I'mn not the one who is have at the very least an a EA and probably a physical one too.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I know the feeling also all too well, I'm the one now that was dropped like a dress on prom night. they are friendly enough to me when i see them but when I have the kids I dont get the phonecalls to hang out while everyday they are out with my stbxw. It's a little sad only because the ones that suffer are my kids when they are over I have to entertain them myself instead where they would have been with our "friends" kids. My son said to me the other day,"dad, you haven't seen such and such in a long time and they never ask about you", I said simply "well son, they have decided that when mommy and daddy split up that they wanted to be friends with mommy only". I dont lie to my children, even if it may be a little too grown up for them to understand I tell them the truth at all times because eventually there will be some understanding and I only shield them from things that ultimately can be extremely traumatic. It's a tough situation and although they say they wont choose sides the reality is they do choose and it sucks but it shows that they were never your true friends in the end.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

At the beginning when I brought the affair to light it seemed like a lot of them were supporting me. But as time went on very few if any pick up the phone/drop email to even say: hey how are you doing? Do you need any help? They know I had to move countries with a two year old and restart my life from scratch:setting up new apartment, looking for a job, taking care of a child on a daily basis etc. Most of them were mutual friends.

Now my ex H still lives in CT. He is still with the w**** and I think he has made some friends there through his tennis mostly. I don't really think he communicates that much with the mutual friends here in Canada(but then I could be wrong). 

But son and I don't get invited anywhere. I think in the last 10 months since the divorce we have been invited to one mutual friend's house for bbq.

I am seriously thinking of closing Facebook and see who actually remembers to ask about me and my child. I am really disappointed in a lot of people after my divorce. And it always seem like I am the only one trying to make the effort to stay in touch with them. I still remember their kids bdays, Xmas cards, etc. 

I have joined a single parents group in my town through meetup and few in the group have experienced the same issues as I have. I mean it is bad enough that you get cheated on, betrayed on the deepest level possible and then you get abandoned by people who you thought were your friends.


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

I have had the same experience as many of you. In the beginning our mutual friends seemed supportive. But unless I reach out they don't call me anymore. It's been weeks since I have seen this one couple we were both close to. I think it is hard for them too because they don't know who to call so they call neither of us. As Jellybeans said, Divorice will show you who your real friends are. I sometimes feel myself getting envious because at least he has the OW to do things with but then I realize that he will always be alone with just her for company and I have the opportunity to make lots of new friends ... and when those new friends call me I will know it is because it's ME they really want to hang out with (and not just half of a couple to double date with).


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shoo, 

As is often the case, you posted precisely what is on my mind. Why does the cheater get to keep the friends? The ones that seemed so supportive at first I haven't heard a word from. That's OK. It gives us the opportunity to make a whole different set of friends (hopefully many of them female)


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Shoo,
> 
> As is often the case, you posted precisely what is on my mind. Why does the cheater get to keep the friends? The ones that seemed so supportive at first I haven't heard a word from. That's OK. It gives us the opportunity to make a whole different set of friends (hopefully many of them female)


I gotta chime in cause I didnt keep any of the friends, I am a man alone on an island where two little cute kids visit and stay over. All I have are my 2 little ones and the interaction with them is great. I'm trying to find people to hang out with. I joined up on this meetup.org site and it seems cool. We'll see, for now I wont sweat it, these same people that smiled in my face are now the ones that stab me in the back.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Rico said:


> I am a man alone on an island where two little cute kids visit and stay over. All I have are my 2 little ones and the interaction with them is great.


Those are the best ones. I'll have 4 nights a week sleeping in a bed with 2 beautiful girls that love me very much. On the other nights, the kids will be there. :rofl:

I'm sure on my nights with the kids for a while, we'll all 4 share our king size bed. We did while my wife was gone on her "vacation". Keep that interaction with those 2 precious kids. I know I certainly look forward to seeing my 3 on Wednesday night.

I believe adult interaction will come with time.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I've been dropping in on this thread because the whole issue of friends and having friends after a split was a big concern of mine when I first began thinking about divorce. I hated the thought of my husband being "abandoned" since I was generally the social director.

Then I was talking to a friend of mine over the weekend who was venting about the 17 million places they had to be, because his wife had committed them to this or that. I asked him, "what would you do if you didn't have her to do all that, though" and he got this goofy look and said, "nothing!"

But all that, and reading this again makes me wonder...in my experience, the main reason that the women "keep" the friends is because they were the ones that made and nurtured the friendships in the first place. The wives were the ones that set up dinner parties and play dates. The husbands may enjoy it and ask when they'll be seeing the So-and-So's again...but it's the wives who mainly chat and plan and drive those kinds of relationships. Would you agree?

So even though they're "couple friends", it can be hard for the husband to understand what happened after a split, hard for them to reach out the same way and intuitively work on those relationships. Since it all "just happened" to some extent while they were married, it's hard to know what went on to make it happen and it can clearly feel a lot like it all just dropped away. I'm guessing that most guys didn't spend a half hour on the phone once or twice a week with these friends catching up on things. At least most guys I know don't do that much, lol.

I guess then what I would suggest is that if there are people that you miss, reach out. They might be choosing sides, but they also might just be in the same habit of calling who they used to call to make plans. It can't hurt, really.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

COGypsy, yeah true my W was the one nurturing all the friendships and it caused so much stress between us. Firstly she was ALWAYS resentful that I could never put in that kind of effort, and I was frustrated that I have never known how, have never been good at it, am introverted and never have time because I was the one working full time, taking care of my child evenings and weekends, making supper, playing, getting him ready for bed, and trying to start on the chores and trying to keep our budget working. As her resentment grew she just planned more and more of her time with HER friends and basically excluded planning for me and to a large extent my child. Until the point where she basically just wrote me out of her life. Could I have written myself back in? Maybe, though I doubt I ever could catch up, I was so far behind and anytime I do reach out to OUR friends I just get shut down. Now even on my own I am getting really tired of rejection, even if I had the time or energy to "nurture" all those friendships, I first would have to have a friendship, and honestly I can no longer count how many times I've put in the effort to reach out and constantly shut down, almost every single friendship I have is completely one-sided and dormant. And so I have to figure out what in me is the cause because I'm obviously the common denominator and honestly its brutally hard feels like someone I'm not which basically makes me feel like I just want to withdraw from the human race.


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