# Update on situation!



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I have been gone for a while as a lot has happen in the last few weeks. Here is a recap.

Been married 18 years, we have 4 children and have had a rocky marriage in spots but got married young and we both had immaturity issues. All in all our marriage had been reasonably happy. Only once in the 18 years had I ever felt like we should have gotten a divorce.

8 years ago a year after the birth of our 3rd child I had found out that my dh was looking at porn. At that time I was home with 3 small children of my own and watched other people's children during the day and then worked nights from 6 till 10. I had suffered with depression after my 3rd child and went of meds that completely killed my sex drive. There was years that I could not even orgasm,even on my own with masterbation. Our sex life was poor during this time, but I was too tired and the meds i was on was working for my depression and making it easy to manage and be a good mom. In looking back I neglected my husband, I see that but he never came to me with anything so I thought everything was ok.

When I found the porn back then I was mad and hurt but we never really dealt with it. I just told him to stop but it was months later that I realized that I had a hand in the reason why he used it. I started looking into changing meds, lost weight and tried to rekindle our sex life. It did improve a bit but still my husband was uncomfortable with telling me things he wanted or when he wanted to have sex. He told me now that he felt like there was some things you did not ask your wife to do.

He said he stopped looking at porn for a while after that first time but with the birth of our 4th child there was a slow down again for natural reasons, having a newborn ,and he believes this is the time he started using again. I had no idea he was using or that he was not being sexually fufilled as yet again he said nothing to me. He did tell me now that when he used the second time it was not near as heavy as the first. When my 4th child was 1 1/2 I started to rekindle the sex and from then I introduced lingerie and other positions and tried to get the frequency up to at least twice a week.Did I slack a time, I'm sure I did. With no feedback from my husband I would think at times that he did not desire me and he tells me now that he would feel like it was easier to turn to porn instead of risk being rejected by me.

If you read my original post my husband told me this time that he only looked at porn maybe twice in the last 6 months and that was about his average . Since then I have found out that this was lie. He looked at it at least twice a week. He had 8 videos saved on our computer for at least 9 years, he even took those videos and put them on an old computer in the garage so he could masterbate and watch them out there. I found out he looked at it on our laptops, and also on his work laptops and his phone. He told me he used it when he was home alone during the day. At times when I was in the hospital after having surgery. Pretty much anytime he could look at it he did.

I was devastated to hear all this as I had been trying so hard this last year to improve our sex life. Of course I felt like I was never going to enough. My husband said he still felt uncomfortable telling me things that he wanted. The last couple of month before all this came out we started having sex 7 times a week and I was really getting into it and had finally found a medication that did not interfere with my sex drive. He said I was wearing him out at time and his drive to look at porn was not there. He said he believes he would have stopped looking at on his own as he was getting the sex life he always wanted.

It's been a tough month as I have repeatedly caught him in lies until finally he totally came clean with me about everything. We talked and he cried which I hardly ever have seen him do in our 18 year marriage as he was so afraid I was going to leave him. He has thrown out his computer in the garage. He has given me all his password to his accounts and laptop and phone. He has disabled his wifi on his phone and put parental controls on our computer with me holding the passwords. We have really talked about our past and what we want sexually and have made progress on being more open. I love my husband, he is a great provider and father and I want to make our marriage work.

I told him I don't want porn to be an issue in our marriage anymore that I want to be the one to fulfill him sexually and that I was more than willing to be adventurous and to try new things. I am really enjoying our sex life now and probably want it more than him. We are taking steps to improve our marriage, date night, open communication. I feel like we are on the right track to having the marriage we both always wanted.

I have asked him to completely cut out all porn for at least 6 months. I told him that I am 100% behind him and that I am not going to judge or want to leave with anything he tells me now or when he has an urge to look at it and what triggered it. I told him that as time goes by if he feel like he still has a need for it that we would deal with it then but I wanted him to give me and our marriage a chance. I told him I want no more lies and if he lies to me again that will be why I leave, not the porn. I think I am being fair and he has told me over and over that he will do anything to show me that he has changed as he loves me so much and does not want our marriage to end .


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Daisy,


I sympathize with you. I totally and completely do. I'm on your side.


I just hate to see you consumed with this. Being the "porn police". What a drag.

Are you religious, is that what is driving you crazy? Does your husband claim to be religious? I mean, the Christian religion. He would be disobeying one of it's major teachings if he whacks to porn.


If it's not religion; is it your feeling of not being the center of his sexual attention?

Once again, I sympathize, from life pain and experience.

But I think porn is here to stay. Men (and some women) enjoy it so much.

He wants to do this. He is a grown man.

You can't compete. If you were a suntanned, busty blonde; he'd want a big booty Kim K. lookalike.

If you were a petite Asian, he'd want a tall redhead.

And porn allows him to do this. Why would he give it up?

Because it hurts you? For most men, they don't care that it hurts their wives.

Can it help you to know that SO many women are in this position. It's a sort of sisterhood.

Does it make it hard to have sex with him? 'Cause you are disgusted by what he's looking at. I get that too. It's really hard.

Does porn bother you on a moral level; like, the damage that those women do to their bodies, or the risk of disease they put themselves at?

That bothers me too. It doesn't phase people who like porn.



I think you have to set yourself free. He'll change if he wants. You can share your pain, and your feelings of lower self worth. If that motivates him, it motivates him. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

What do you think?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

It's not a religious things, and no porn does not disgust me or bother me on a certain level, as long as it is responsibly made porn. What bothers me is that he got into a habit to go to porn instead of trying to have sex with me. And granted there was times when he got rejected a lot and watching pen was a "sure thing" when asking me for sex might not be but those times are gone. In the last year there has been times when I have been horny and waiting for him to come to bed and I fall asleep before he comes up. I know what you are going to say why didn't you say anything but talking about sex has not been easy for us, we have always had problems with communication, hence why we have had so many issues over the year. We are getting past those issues now and my dh has told me thing I thought he would never tell me and I know he is being more open as am I. I just want to give our sex life a chance before we think about whether he needs to have porn with it cause we never really had a healthy sex life like we should have. Does that make sense? 

I am not naive on why men want to look at porn, and if we go down the road and my dh decides he wants to look at some, we may start looking together or I may just let him look alone as long as it does not interfere with our sex life. I know my husband does not want to leave me or to have me leave him. He loves me and our children and I know the thought of his 4 girls finding out about this sickens him. We have a great life together and we have a great relationship and have fun together and that's why I am not going to throw all this away because of porn. I'm sure there are much worse things we could have been doing. He told me that he was never satisfied with our sex life, but he was so completely happy with all other aspects of our relationship that they thought of leaving never crossed his mind and he thought that taking care of himself was just something he had to do and he accepted that. I asked him long he would have been satisfied with that if we had not found all this out and started making changes. He said for the rest of his life cause he loved me so much and was so happy with our family that he did not want to leave, even if that meant never being sexually satisfied.

Maybe I'm being naive, but I'm choosing to believe him and until or if I find proof that he is lying to me again about looking at it I feel I need to give my marriage 100% of my effort. Am I wrong to do this and setting myself up for disappointment?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

To me this is a bit like drinking alcohol, especially since you aren't opposed to it. Let's say your husband had a great time with you. You did things together often and enjoyed it. Then, you became busy, depressed, etc. You stopped being with him. And he missed those feelings. You took that away, and when he asked to spend time with you, you said no for what seemed to you valid reasons. 

At this point, your husband is lonely. He made a promise to not have great fun with anyone except you and you aren't interested. Not only does it hurt, but he feels empty. So he starts drinking more. He always drank some, but now he drinks a lot. And he hid his drinking from you because he knew you wouldn't approve.

When it all comes out and you fix things, can your husband go back to drinking occasionally? It depends. In his case, it sounds like he was not hiding an addiction, but just hiding the activity because of its frequency. He felt bad about filling the void that way, maybe, because he knew it was too much? 

The void has now been filled, and since the void was temporary and you are spending time together, can he have a drink now and again? I think so. In fact, I think he needs to know its ok if he does. Things that are forbidden are actually more tempting and, if you are the "police" as another poster said, if he does stray then he will feel guilty and either feel he should confess or go back to hiding. Healthy relationships should allow for trust and freedom for each party. 

The only remaining issue may be trust. He lied a lot. If his lies were just to hide this temporary situation, then I hope you can forgive him.

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I don't know why some men prefer porn over real life sex. 
At one time my husband preferred porn over sex with me. 
Why? 
Because I was not actively engaged in sex, he thought I didn't enjoy it, which is true I didn't enjoy it at the time. 

He also was afraid I would scold him or call him disgusting if he told me his fantasies. 
Since, will the help of a sex therapist, I have become better at sex & so has he and he doesn't even think about looking at porn now. 

You would benefit from having a open, casual conversation about sex with him, be careful not to get angry with him, otherwise he will lie so you won't react or get angry with him. 

He obviously feels shame if he went to the extreme length to show you how he's not watching porn. 

Sex is a two way street, if you want the porn gone, then honestly you're going to have to look at what the problem is. 

Is it that he does not feel comfortable & vulnerable enough to disclose his desires with you? 
Because no matter what he tries, you will reject him? 
I mean, he tried the underwear thing with you & you call him absent-minded? 
He wants to engage with you, but I think you're still rejecting on some level? 
Is it because these things make you feel like less of a lady? 

You guys need to work on your communication regarding sex first. 

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, sometimes these conversations are difficult & not what you want to hear. 
But a good sex life means looking at yourself first, then your husband. 



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## Looking2Change (Jul 24, 2016)

AS A GUY WE WILL ALWAYS LOOK AT PORN. It's not going to change so don't try to stop it. Guys are visual and porn is visual. Nothing wrong with looking at porn to be totally honest. If he's unhappy in the bedroom he's going to look at porn even more. Sometimes, it's easier to just look at porn and not have to do anything than to have sex. It's the same as women always telling guys they have a headache etc.

It's a part of life and you will never change it. Don't feel like he's cheating on you or anything like that. Guys like variety and we like porn. Nothing more nothing less.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I have not told him that he can't look a porn every again.. I told him that if he feels the urge to look at porn or has done so to tell me the truth about it right then and there. I have told him over and over that I not going to mad about it turn around and leave him. I told him what has to stop is the lying. I will not tolerate the lying at all. If he has a need to look at porn on occasion and it's not interfering with our sex life then, so be it. I asked him to stop looking at it for a while so we can give our sex life a chance. You are right MrsAldi, we do need to communicate better about sex. We both know that and have made great progress in that area. We are talking now more than we ever have and I want that to continue as does my husband. What I want him to be is comfortable in telling me that when he needs to have sex, or if we are not doing something he wants to do or feels that the frequency is not enough. These are things he was too shy to tell me in the past as he did not want to anger or disgust me and that's why he turned to porn. He thought it was easier to satisfy himself and not to bug me when he knew I was tired and stressed. 

I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am interested in all the things he wants too and to not feel shy or wrong about asking me for things he wants. I am his wife and I told him it's important to me that he is sexually satisfied, just like it's important to him that he meets my needs. I have forgiven him completely, I want to move on with our marriage.. They only thing I will not accept now is the lying. I have looked closely at how I acted in our marriage and I know some of these issues I brought on myself...I have changed myself and am getting more comfortable and kinky with sex. I am probably feeling more comfortable to say things to him and do thing then he is at the moment. I hope as times goes on and he sees that I am not disgusted by the things he wants that he will become more comfortable and open up even more than he has already. Do I hope that my husband will never have the urge to look at porn again..yes part of me does.. Do I still have the same attitude about porn as I did 8 years ago. Absolutely not.. It's not the deal breaker in this marriage anymore...lack of trust and lying is.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm assuming "use porn" means he uses it to get aroused and then masturbates.

A few things...

First, you say you're having sex 7 times a week. What if his libido calls for sex 14 times a week? If that's the case, you're not meeting his needs. Now I'm not saying 14 times a week is reasonable or unreasonable, but what is he supposed to do in that case? Talk to you? Has he done this in the past and nothing changed (until you found the porn)?

Second, what if he came to you and "demanded" you perform sex with him absolutely whenever he requested it, and the repercussion of not doing so would be the end of the marriage? Would that be fair? Probably not.

Finally, you mention that after your 4th child it was a year and a half before you started to rekindle the sex life. What was he supposed to do while you weren't there for him? (and that's not a criticism of you... kids, babies, jobs all contribute to sex being the last thing on your mind... but not the last thing on HIS mind). So he took matters into his own hands, so to speak. And sometimes that 5 minute exercise is better than waiting.

I realize this is more about the lying than it is the porn but don't put him in a situation where he feels lying is better than admitting he uses porn to get himself off.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I was browsing this site the other day and someone here posted a link to a site with clinical info on the effects on porn. Maybe it was a mod, I'm not sure. Anyway, the site had a testimony from a man who said he had been into porn for years and years. IIRC, about 15 to 20 years, that started in his twenties. What he discovered was that it severely affected his sex drive, his erection, etc. He had to quit cold turkey for two years before his sex drive went back to normal. Tell your husband about this. Aside from the moral aspect of this, porn can negatively impact one's sexual health.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm assuming "use porn" means he uses it to get aroused and then masturbates.
> 
> A few things...
> 
> ...


First the 7 times a week wears him out so I'm sure it won't increase to 14. My husband is a decent guy and would never demand I do anything. He loves me and part of the reason he went to porn was that he didn't want to think he was forcing me to have sex with him or to bother me when I was tired and exhausted from looking after the kids and working. I have not told him in any way shape or form that I would leave him if he started looking at porn again. I have told him to not worry about telling me that him using or having urges to use will make me leave cause it won't. On the matter of the kids... We are done and I do not see anything in the future that will come in between our sex life.

I am not trying to put him in a situation that he feels he needs to lie. I am trying to do the opposite so that he does feel comfortable with me to tell me if he needs to look at porn. I hope I am making him feel this way. What can I say to him to make him feel that I am ok if this is something he needs. He tells me he does not want to look at it again.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

@Daisy12 have you done anything about the issues of insecurity on your end? (They came up as pretty apparent in your "Can men be this absentminded?" thread)


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It sounds like you are opening the door to him for him to be completely honest and open about his needs and that's great.

Do you think he looks at this as a Charlie Brown and Lucy football situation where sex was good, faded, was good again and he's just waiting for you to yank the football away once he feels comfortable talking to you about it?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Chris Taylor said:


> It sounds like you are opening the door to him for him to be completely honest and open about his needs and that's great.
> 
> Do you think he looks at this as a Charlie Brown and Lucy football situation where sex was good, faded, was good again and he's just waiting for you to yank the football away once he feels comfortable talking to you about it?


I do feel like this at times as I have 18 years of him not telling me what he feels or wants. It's hard to accept that things are going to change now. He has made changes already but still I always look for what was done in the past.

Kivlor I am working on my insecurity issues. And I'm trying to not let my feeling about myself affect the way I interact with my husband. I am taking time for myself, working out to improve my physical and emotional health.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I enjoy porn - was about to look at some but instead got my voyeuristic fix by coming here.

I'll look at some, get some arousal and enjoyment, then have sex with my wife.

We have daily sex and we're in our 50's.

I won't tell my W about the porn because it's my business. I've talked about it in the past and we've looked at some together but it's not her thing so it's not relevant.

I like the visual and the fantasy much like many women like women's magazines and novels. I enjoy things in porn that I never want to do.

If your H now is adequate sexually with you, it's none of your business what he looks at. In a marriage you are a couple, but when your fears, weaknesses and insecurities are used as a weapon to control your spouse, YOU are hurting the marriage. Just remember that. Don't allow your marriage be limited to the point of each of your individual insecurities or neither of you will grow and instead resentment and stagnation will result.

Good luck but I'm afraid you will ignore my advice.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

And by the way, forcing your husband to share this with you knowing you won't like it or accept it isn't really being fair at all. He knows better than to be completely honest. Sorry but I believe that's the straight jacket you're putting him in. It's controlling behavior.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I enjoy porn - was about to look at some but instead got my voyeuristic fix by coming here.
> 
> I'll look at some, get some arousal and enjoyment, then have sex with my wife.
> 
> ...


I don't think a marriage build on lies is ever going to truly reach the level of intimacy and happiness that it should. You may think your spouse is happy,but tell her about the porn and then see what happens. Maybe she would be fine with it, but I'm guessing that they answer is no since you fail to tell her about this part of your life. 

I am not in anyway telling my husband that it's the porn or me. We have a wonderful life together, 4 great girls that we both adore and I would never destroy my family over the fact that my husband wants to occasionally masterbate to porn. I am telling him that I am not living with lies. This is the second time he has lied to me about this and if he wants to look at porn I told him that's fine, but be a man and tell me the truth cause if you can't tell your wife what you are doing then obviously you are ashamed or think what you are doing is bad. 

It was my husband descions to stop looking at porn, not mine. He said sitting at the computer makes him sick, the only thought he had of porn in the last couple of month is of regret of using it and not coming to me to fulfill his sexual needs. He has made so many changes to get it out of his life. I never told him looking at porn would make me leave, but yes I did tell him continuing to lie to me would make me leave. So I have to trust that my husband respect and cherished me and our family enough to not make the same mistakes of lying to me about his porn use if or when he feels the need to start looking at it again. 

Is it unreasonable to tell my husband that yes, you can look at porn, but no you can't lie to me about it and I don't want it to interfere with our sex life?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think it's unreasonable to essentially say to him "I don't like porn, I don't like you watching porn but if you plan to, tell me in advance." He probably thinks he's in for a sh!tstorm if he does tell you he's going to watch it. It's like telling him it's OK to cross the line in the sand that you have already laid down.

And you have already said sex is good and it's not interfering with your sex life. So why box him in a corner about it?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Daisy12 said:


> I don't think a marriage build on lies is ever going to truly reach the level of intimacy and happiness that it should. You may think your spouse is happy,but tell her about the porn and then see what happens. Maybe she would be fine with it, but I'm guessing that they answer is no since you fail to tell her about this part of your life.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You didn't read my post completely I'm afraid. My wife is fully aware of me using porn. She doesn't care too much for it - it doesn't do anything for her. She recognizes I am not her and she and I view porn differently. She accepts and loves me and I accept and love her. I don't lie because she doesn't ask me about it. This is how married people can have different opinions but still respect each other.

She does many things I wouldn't do as well. But I respect that she is free to do then and they don't affect me.

Respect, independence, acceptance.

And believe me, we are plenty codependent - it's not as though we live separate lives.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Why would he give it up?
> 
> Because it hurts you? For most men, they don't care that it hurts their wives.


Do you have any statistics or studies to back up the statement that "most men don't care if they hurt their wives"? Or perhaps whipping OP up into a misandrist frenzy is not the best way to help her? Clearly her husband became addicted to porn due to the years of rejection and lack of interest she showed him about sex. It's a hard habit to break especially if he has a HD. At least she owns the part she played in that. 

@Daisy12 - I appreciate you are trying to fix this but this may be one of those things you either A) accept that he will watch porn privately or B) do not accept it and severe the relationship. Trying to control him is not going to work. He has to want to stop on his own. You both have to make your own choices.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

He does want to stop on his own and I am in no way forcing or making him. He told me he does not want to go back to the old way we were nor does he want to look at porn, he wants a healthy sex life with me. He said he is ashamed of himself,and it sickens him to think about the lies he has told me and how much he has hurt me and how this could have potential ruined our marriage and the happiness of our daughters, cause yes when this came our I felt like leaving as I was tired of all the lies and I was hurt and confused about all this. I told him I am not going to have him give up porn and turn around and cut off sex with him. I made a commitment to myself and to him to make our sex life important and to keep the effort into it that it deserves. He has made the same with meeting some of my needs that he has not been meeting. 

Am I now suppose to lie to him and say I love porn and think it's great that you watch it? My husband does other things that I don't really see the point in or don't care for myself but he doesn't have to lie about it.. This is what makes a healthy relationship is that we can agree to disagree. I told him the him looking at it the future is not going to be a deal breaker. Lying about it is... 

So If I don't want to live with porn in my live at all, am I suppose to leave my husband ,destroy my kids life's even if my husband is willing and wants to give it up? I feel like there is no win win in this situation. I say it's ok if it's something you need just no lies, but this means he never will tell me the truth and if I say don't look at it or I'll leave, I'm controlling him and this will never work in the long run either. What am I suppose to do? I'm sure there have been men that have completely given up porn for a healthy exciting sex life with their wife's, or am I being naive?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I don't get it. If you are having sex 7 times per week, and you claim you don't care about his use, why does he have to report to you?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't get it. If you are having sex 7 times per week, and you claim you don't care about his use, why does he have to report to you?


He doesn't have to report to me.. He is telling me now that he is done with the porn. I am telling him if that changes down the road and you feel like you need or want too look at it again that's fine, let me know. I am not saying tell me everytime you look at it and ask me first if it's ok. If he starts watching again I don't want to know about ever single time, but if he hasn't told me he started again I am thinking he is not looking at it because he told me he wasn't and I find something before he tells me he is looking at it again I will feel he is lying again to me and I won't be in a marriage with someone who lies to me all the time. Does that makes sense?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> He doesn't have to report to me.. He is telling me now that he is done with the porn. I am telling him if that changes down the road and you feel like you need or want too look at it again that's fine, let me know.


Why does he need to let you know? If he resumes eating kale, should he let you know that too? Or if he resumes walking by the longer route home from work?



> I am not saying tell me everytime you look at it and ask me first if it's ok. If he starts watching again I don't want to know about ever single time, but if he hasn't told me he started again I am thinking he is not looking at it because he told me he wasn't and I find something before he tells me he is looking at it again I will feel he is lying again to me and I won't be in a marriage with someone who lies to me all the time. Does that makes sense?


That is nutty. Simply not saying anything is not lying.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> He does want to stop on his own and I am in no way forcing or making him. He told me he does not want to go back to the old way we were nor does he want to look at porn, he wants a healthy sex life with me. He said he is ashamed of himself,and it sickens him to think about the lies he has told me and how much he has hurt me and how this could have potential ruined our marriage and the happiness of our daughters, cause yes when this came our I felt like leaving as I was tired of all the lies and I was hurt and confused about all this. I told him I am not going to have him give up porn and turn around and cut off sex with him. I made a commitment to myself and to him to make our sex life important and to keep the effort into it that it deserves. He has made the same with meeting some of my needs that he has not been meeting.


You sound like a very reasonable person with a good grasp of the situation.



Daisy12 said:


> Am I now suppose to lie to him and say I love porn and think it's great that you watch it? My husband does other things that I don't really see the point in or don't care for myself but he doesn't have to lie about it.. This is what makes a healthy relationship is that we can agree to disagree. I told him the him looking at it the future is not going to be a deal breaker. Lying about it is...


No it's about what are you willing to accept. What is more important to you? Keeping the family unit together or not tolerating his deceit. What is YOUR boundary? 



Daisy12 said:


> So If I don't want to live with porn in my live at all, am I suppose to leave my husband ,destroy my kids life's even if my husband is willing and wants to give it up? I feel like there is no win win in this situation. I say it's ok if it's something you need just no lies, but this means he never will tell me the truth and if I say don't look at it or I'll leave, I'm controlling him and this will never work in the long run either. What am I suppose to do? I'm sure there have been men that have completely given up porn for a healthy exciting sex life with their wife's, or am I being naive?


You say its the deceit not the porn itself that bothers you. Does he HAVE to tell you every time he uses porn? Maybe a don't ask, don't tell solution is the only compromise. If it affects his sexual output then that SHOULD be a deal breaker. At 7 days a week, it doesn't seem to be the case.

Again YOU have to decide what is okay for you. Treat it like any other vice. What if he started smoking cigarettes? Would you tolerate it? Would you find it too repulsive to stay. These are the things YOU need to decide and IF he loves you enough, he will do whatever he can to keep the relationship together. If he doesn't then you have your answer too.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why does he need to let you know? If he resumes eating kale, should he let you know that too? Or if he resumes walking by the longer route home from work?
> 
> 
> 
> That is nutty. Simply not saying anything is not lying.


Him eating Kale never nearly destroyed our marriage... And yes I asked him out of respect for me that I want to know if he's watching it. He has no problem with this as all he wants is to save our marriage the same thing I want Am I suppose to leave him cause my knowing that he is using porn is a disservice to him. I'm sure he would not agree.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> And yes I asked him out of respect for me that I want to know if he's watching it.


Having him report to you every time he masturbates to porn is you attempting to control the situation. 

What exactly do you plan to do with this information? Sex him up more? Guilt him? It's not a reasonable request.

It would be like you having to give him daily reports on your menstrual cycle. You know he watches it. That should be enough.

Again you either accept your spouse with all their flaws or you don't if one particular flaw crosses a boundry. That's your decision to make.

His is to decide whether its worth losing his relationship and family over. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Having him report to you every time he masturbates to porn is you attempting to control the situation.
> 
> What exactly do you plan to do with this information? Sex him up more? Guilt him? It's not a reasonable request.
> 
> ...


You make it sound like I want to know about it everytime he watches it.. I don't . I do not want to police it or guilt him or "sex him up more" to convince him not to look at it.. I want a simple one sentence, "I'm looking at porn again." That would be that. At least then if I find something I don't have to feel lied to because I will already know that something might be there.. His porn use the first time did get out of hand where it did interfere with our sex life and our marriage so I would like that to not happen again.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Daisy12 said:


> You make it sound like I want to know about it everytime he watches it.. I don't . I do not want to police it or guilt him or "sex him up more" to covince him not to look at it.. I want a simple one sentence, "I'm looking at porn again." That would be that.


Why don't you just assume he is unless otherwise told? Why does he have to keep updating you? I personally do not find this reasonable. It's controlling. 

Does he tell you, "I'm going to the bathroom again" whenever he goes pee? Or do you just assume he uses the bathroom when he needs too?

You'll know if it's impacting your sex life if the frequency of sexual encounters changes. Then you have a valid basis to question him on whether the porn is playing a role.

Frankly at his age, if he's sleeping with you daily AND masturbating on top of that, then a lot of women would kill for a stud like that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You're twisting our feedback and saying you must like porn. I didn't read anything of the sort in anyone's posts.

No one has said its ok for him to watch porn if it impacts your sex life.

We get that you don't like it. But that's your self esteem ONLY and nothing to do with your H (assuming the above and it's not impacting your sex life).

Making his casual use porn watching about YOU is not healthy.

We are pointing out - and you don't seem to accept - that a health spousal relationship supports independent likes and actions even if you don't like them if they don't directly impact you.

And BTW the fact that you don't like it doesn't count as his actions affecting you. That's YOU and your boundaries regarding porn affecting you.

I find it completely unbelievable that a guy would FOREVER give up ALL porn - particularly if he was sexually starved for years - just because it makes his W uncomfortable. And that's the boundary you have set, pretending that crossing that boundary is lying.

You would be better off just divorcing than pretending like this is about lying. I believe that's disingenuous.

BTW I am happy for him if he WANTS to not watch porn again. I think a healthier attitude would be to celebrate that decision, and periodically revisit it and talk about it if he has turned to porn from time to time. He may want to stop and want positive encouragement. But I believe you've thrown down the gauntlet and he now HAS to say he'll never watch again. So if you can soften your stance a bit over time, it might create a safer marital environment to work with him on this.

Just my $.02. Feel free to disregard. But I do have 30+ years in a very positive relationship, and my W and I are opposites in many ways. Perhaps that's why we learned how to accept, support and celebrate differences, and try not to harshly judge things we don't agree with but which aren't deal breakers.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I don't totally disagree with what you guys are saying. I know that I am asking a lot of my husband, and I am trying to be respectful of his needs and rights. I do feel sometimes like I am setting myself up for a disappointment and that maybe my husband may resent me later on for feeling like maybe he has to lie to me or that I am not letting him do something that he wants to do. This is a conversation I have talked to husband about many times because having his respect is important to me and if me taking this stance now is going to cause him to lose respect for me, I want to fix this now to insure that doesn't happen.

I have not lied to him about how I feel. He knows I don't care for the porn, but I have told him over and over again that if he wants to look at it down the road that I am not going to leave him over it. I just want to know If he is watching it again. Maybe this is wrong and going to cause problems in my marriage but for now this is what I need to move forward in this marriage. I am not lying to him or misleading him with a trap of if you need to look at porn great I'll stay and then leave when it happens. I have given this a lot of thought and are being honest with myself with what I can handle. He can chose to go or stay. He want to stay and has reassured me that giving up porn is not going to be hard to do now as he has me for support for when he has the urges to look at it and I am actively fulfilling his sexual needs.

So everything you guys are telling me is all things I have thought about before, but I'm trying to make my marriage work with out devaluing myself and ruining my peace of mind, cause if he asked me to do that then I'm going to lose respect for my husband and this marriage will never work. Having him look at porn behind my back makes me feel devalued in this marriage as we spent many years not telling each other how we felt and lying about things and it has destroyed the intimacy and trust in our marriage. I don't think continuing to lie is going to build that intimacy and trust back.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> BTW I am happy for him if he WANTS to not watch porn again. I think a healthier attitude would be to celebrate that decision, and periodically revisit it and talk about it if he has turned to porn from time to time. He may want to stop and want positive encouragement. But I believe you've thrown down the gauntlet and he now HAS to say he'll never watch again. So if you can soften your stance a bit over time, it might create a safer marital environment to work with him on this.
> 
> Just my $.02. Feel free to disregard. But I do have 30+ years in a very positive relationship, and my W and I are opposites in many ways. Perhaps that's why we learned how to accept, support and celebrate differences, and try not to harshly judge things we don't agree with but which aren't deal breakers.
> 
> ...


I am giving my husband 100% of my support on his descion to stop looking at porn, and it was his descion. I have told him I have no judgment against him and my opinion and feelings about him has not changed because he looked at porn. This is all true. I have apologized for my lack of interest in our sex life and for neglecting him and his needs. I am not totally blameless here and I know that. I have made him a promise to never make him feel again like if he comes to me for sex that I am going to reject him like I did before. I told him that he can tell me anything about what he wants and I am not going to be disgusted by it or it's not going to change the way I see him or look at him. If he tells me today that he thought about porn everyday this week, my first response is what can I do to help. 

This is an part from an email I sent him


"I am 100% behind you. There is nothing you can tell me about your past use, nothing you can tell me about the urges or thoughts you have had or are going to have from now on out or if you have a set back and have looked at it again, that is not going to change how commited i am.. I am not going anywhere, or giving up.. As long as you are 100 commited to being honest, i am going to be 100% behind you. I know you are a decent, good person with integrity and i feel that more so about you since you have come clean and have made so many changes for me and the children. Nothing you say or do is going to change how i see you. Don't hold back because you fear this. The more you get these secrets out and know that you don't have to lie anymore i truly feel you are going to feel better about yourself and be able to move on."

I'm trying to be supportive to my husband and not make him feel like he is being boxed into a corner.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> He does want to stop on his own and I am in no way forcing or making him. He told me he does not want to go back to the old way we were nor does he want to look at porn, he wants a healthy sex life with me. He said he is ashamed of himself,and it sickens him to think about the lies he has told me and how much he has hurt me and how this could have potential ruined our marriage and the happiness of our daughters, cause yes when this came our I felt like leaving as I was tired of all the lies and I was hurt and confused about all this. I told him I am not going to have him give up porn and turn around and cut off sex with him. I made a commitment to myself and to him to make our sex life important and to keep the effort into it that it deserves. He has made the same with meeting some of my needs that he has not been meeting.
> 
> Am I now suppose to lie to him and say I love porn and think it's great that you watch it? My husband does other things that I don't really see the point in or don't care for myself but he doesn't have to lie about it.. This is what makes a healthy relationship is that we can agree to disagree. I told him the him looking at it the future is not going to be a deal breaker. Lying about it is...
> 
> So If I don't want to live with porn in my live at all, am I suppose to leave my husband ,destroy my kids life's even if my husband is willing and wants to give it up? I feel like there is no win win in this situation. I say it's ok if it's something you need just no lies, but this means he never will tell me the truth and if I say don't look at it or I'll leave, I'm controlling him and this will never work in the long run either. What am I suppose to do? I'm sure there have been men that have completely given up porn for a healthy exciting sex life with their wife's, or am I being naive?


Your being naive. 


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