# How to know if he wont change



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

I've posted in other boards on this site before. First time in this one. I have been married 8 years. We have two children 3 and 7. I am posting for some support. My husband has been physically abusive towards me several times. We have a horrible relationship and never show each other any affection whatsoever... havent in years. We still celebrate birthdays for each other but it seems to be for the kids sake more than anything. I dont ever feel like buying him a gift or baking a cake but I do so we can have a happy little birthday celebration in front of the kids. I am certain if we didnt have kids, I wouldve left a long time ago. He also has pleaded for a divorce in the past but I would instead say lets go to counseling or lets try to work on things. Nothing has helped. 

Anyway naturally feeling lonely and vulnerable... I am not surprised that I allowed myself to start a friendship with another man who was an old flame. No physical involved as he lives across the country. Just texting mostly and getting to know one another again. 

My husband found out about it and now that he actually feels threatened that I will leave, he swears he has suddenly changed overnight and he will NEVER hit me again. He says if I leave and break up our family, I am only hurting our kids. The last couple weeks, he hasnt been abusive but he has done some aggressive things. He locked me out of the house one night and I had no choice but to call the police and they used a crowbar to the storm door to get me in (I had my house keys but not the storm door key)... just FYI, he went as far as to disable the garage door opener and even the doorbell so I wouldnt wake the kids up ringing the doorbell. He also took my cell phone away, but gave it back after a day. He grabbed me and took it out of my pocket too by the way. He also called MY best girlfriend and told her that I had been talking to some guy and I was hurting our kids... He never calls or talks to MY girlfriends so that to me is dysfunctional. 

What do you make of all of this? Is this guy acting typical for someone to feel threatened in a marriage? My therapist says that the cycle of abuse is when they act nice for awhile but he cannot change his ways that quickly, he would need deep therapy first which he has no interest in getting. But some days he is being on his best behaivor. I dont know if he could change and if splitting up the family would be the wrong decision. I was 100% sure I am doing the right thing but now Im starting to question a little. I feel that once I file, there is no turning back for me. So I have put it off for a few days. Does anyone have any experiences with a spouse who is abusive and then swears they will change once divorce is threatened? How do you keep your focus to move forward with it?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi PAGirl (I am in PA too!)

I don't have experience in this. I have read a lot of Marriage Builders and would recommend you head over to their website for some research. Dr Harley has a plan for abusers and their spouses. 

Everything you documented above would be considered "Angry Outbursts" in MB-speak. It definitely constitutes abuse per MB.

Generally speaking the recommendation is for the abused spouse to separate immediately. The abuser would need to get into anger management. 

The spouses reunite ONLY after the abuser has demonstrated for a long time- a year or more- that they are and will remain outburst-free.

It is extremely destructive to remain with an abuser for everyone involved- including the abuser. His life will also improve if he can get a handle on his behavior. 

Good luck to you, whichever direction you choose!


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you. The problem is, my husband REFUSES to move out and also does not believe he needs any counseling. We are sleeping seperately at least. Although, every night he gets very annoyed with me that I insist on sleeping on the couch. But my lawyer (I didnt hire her yet, only got a consultation), had said to sleep seperately to legally begin the process of seperation. 

So I dont think I can take that road right now since he is not willing to comply with that.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If he has hit you in the past he WILL hit you again....and again....and again. Get out of there now!!!!!


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Is this for certain though? Its not easy to tell right now. He is very sorry to point he cries. But then flip flops and gets angry (locking me out of the house). But of course, he never expected me to actually threaten to divorce because I never did before. He is going through hell and I dont know if this is the turning point he needed???


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

The best indication of the future can be found by looking at the past.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

If he won't go, then he won't go. 

Unfortunately, you have the answer to your question. 

The very first thing your H would need to do is own up to his own behavior, admit it is abusive and dangerous to you and his children. 

If he did that, you would know that he was serious because he would acknowledge that the best thing he could do for his family is leave and get help.

After he made that acknowledge and took responsible, and took action, it's time to observe. 

The only way to know if someone will or won't change is to observe over a long period of time, in several different situations. You'd want to see him in many different situations where he would normally get angry and act out. Once you saw enough for YOU to be fairly certain, you would make a decision. But it would a long time from now.

I feel for you. I have experience living with an addict- I wanted so very much for him to get better! And he did, for some periods of time, but he was never able to hold it together for the duration. He folded in certain circumstances. I know it is incredibly hard.

I still recommend heading over to MB and looking at the website. You can email Dr Harley and be on his radio show, and get personalized advice. They are very good at helping spouses navigate these waters and getting what call "reluctant" spouses on-board with the program. It is a free resource.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

If he loves you he would do what ever it took to prove that. Counseling. ...moving out etc. Sounds like he has a real control problem and obviously treats you like a child.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

MSC71 said:


> If he loves you he would do what ever it took to prove that. Counseling. ...moving out etc. Sounds like he has a real control problem and obviously treats you like a child.


Yes he does have a serious control issue. He is playing lots of power games right now with me. I see through it though. Now I dont think he can change and believe he is toxic...


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

*Re: Re: How to know if he wont change*



PAgirl said:


> Yes he does have a serious control issue. He is playing lots of power games right now with me. I see through it though. Now I dont think he can change and believe he is toxic...


People like him will say whatever it takes to keep you close. If he has put his hands on you then yiu can file a restraining order which will force him to leave. I know that it's scary to do that. Especially if you are afraid of him


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GET OUT. NOW. You think you are doing your children a favor staying with this man?? Wrong, so so wrong.

OH...editing to add..he WILL NOT CHANGE.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go forward with D. You can reconcile if he goes into therapy and changes for real. How many times has he hit you? Write out a time line and give it to him.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Been there done that. 
My stbxh didn't show remorse but did go to counseling....it was just actions. His heart wasn't in it because he didn't accept responsibility. Everything was my fault. He never changed...and there wasn't kids between us. Just his three who seen the abuse. 

Get out. Just get the he!! Out. He won't change...and because of you talking with the other dude you just nailed your coffin chick. He will NEVER EVER let you live it down for such betrayal. He's got you where he wants you. Guilty. 

Get out. And get a life.

Edited to say...go buy a bat.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Thanks!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

PAGirl, this is his pattern. He wants to lull you into a false sense of security so you won't file/leave, but he will start up again. All of his behavior over the last week, while not being physically abusive, is highly manipulative and controlling; it's clear that if he can't control you (and the relationship) by using violence, he will use other measures.

You need to pack up your kids and leave. NOW. 

His whole line about staying together for the kids is horse sh*t; seeing their mother abused (and potentially becoming victims themselves) is going to be traumatic for them. By leaving this situation, you will be teaching them about self-respect and what is and is not acceptable in a relationship.

Get out now, and get a restraining order against this guy. He's not going to change, and once you leave and once you file, you may be in more physical danger than you are. You don't know what he's capable of after you leave. Be careful, be smart, and take care of your babies. I would recommend seeking out an organization like House of Ruth (an org that is in my area - there will be something like it in your area as well) (House of Ruth: Prevention | Intervention | Advocacy) for advice, and also potential help in finding a place to go, if you don't have family nearby that can take you in. And actually, if your family is far away and you can go there with your children, that might even be better than staying nearby.

Don't tell him that you're leaving, don't give him any indication or warning that this is going to happen. If you do, he may make it very hard for you - he's already shown that he'll do absurd, crazy things to control you. If you give him warning, he might drain the bank accounts, take the kids and disappear, etc... not to mention that he might physically hurt you so that you won't be capable of running away.

And if you're reading this on a computer/device he can access, make sure you remove this site from the browsing history.

Be careful, be smart, be cautious. And GET OUT NOW>


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