# Husband away and texting other women



## Sunshine8 (Mar 6, 2014)

I have read some of the posts on here and the fact that they resonate so strongly with me truly makes me sad. I hate to be a person who has to post here.

I have been married to my husband for 3 years, together for 5. I love him with all of my heart and I genuinely believe that he loves me too.

For most of our relationship, he will go through phases where he texts or facebook messages other women. He is in the military, and most of the time they are women he used to be stationed with or women that are from his hometown. I have called him out on it before, and he will tell me that he gets a rush from it and that it is fun for him to see how far he can get these women to go. He normally wants them to send him pictures, talk dirty to him, etc.

The last time it happened, I called him out and I felt he was truly remorseful. We had a very open discussion about it and I thought things were resolved. He was deployed last year for 9 months and I had access to all of his accounts and I believe he was faithful the entire time he was gone. It was about a year that he was "clean" and I was beginning to feel confident and happy in our marriage again. In fact, I feel that when he came home our marriage was stronger than ever. 

He is now at a school for 8 weeks across the country from me. I was nervous before he left because I knew this would be a test. Well, he failed. He has been going out and getting drunk with friends every weekend. This bothers me enough, but I also had "that" feeling and started checking up on him. I found a craigslist post that had a kik username that resembled some of his other usernames. I logged into that kik account with his usual password and found a secret email address. He had been emailing girls who had replied to his craigslist ad. Most of them were spam asking him to sign up for a site, etc. On the kik account I talked to one girl who said he had told her he wasn't married.

I changed all the passwords on the accounts and waited. He changed them back and I changed him again. I then called and asked him if there was something he wanted to tell me. He said he was sorry, that he did it because he was bored and I kept getting angry about him going out drinking so he felt he couldn't talk to me without me getting angry. I asked him why he couldn't send those kinds of text messages to me and he said he didn't see me that way. I told him I could forgive him but I wanted us to have open communication from now on and no more of this. He got frustrated and hung up on me.

Now he is refusing to speak to me. I have sent a few text messages and he is sending one word responses and has hinted at wanting a divorce. Last night he told me that "maybe this marriage thing isn't for me". I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want a divorce, though I feel like that is what most people will suggest. I also don't want to threaten divorce if I'm not willing to follow through. 

I'm beside myself upset right now. I honestly don't know what to do or say that can either help this situation or help my mental state. He won't be home for four weeks. It is extremely difficult to communicate with him being so far away.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

You've told your husband that this hurts you and upsets you. He keeps doing it. What that basically boils down to is that sexting/chatting/having EA's with other women is more important to him than your feelings. I would not be surprised if he has had PA's as well, given his overt disregard for your marriage and all appropriate boundaries. 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who treats you like a backup plan?


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Sunshine8 said:


> I have called him out on it before, and he will tell me that he gets a rush from it and that it is fun for him to see how far he can get these women to go. He normally wants them to send him pictures, talk dirty to him, etc.
> 
> *Yikes! No boundaries here.*
> 
> Last night he told me that "maybe this marriage thing isn't for me". *You might want to take his word for it*.




~ Passio


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

From what you've written, it sounds as though your husband gets off on having strange women paying him attention. That's all fine and dandy, except that he is married. What happens if/when texting women isn't enough and he wants to video chat with them, meet with them, make out with them, bed them?

I know you don't want to threaten to divorce because you don't actually want to follow through with it, but maybe you need to figure out how to want to do just that. You are a valuable, worthwhile human being and you don't deserve to be mistreated by your husband. Maybe he is right and this marriage thing isn't for him, but you can't worry about him. That's not a reflection on you, that's his own issues or lack of maturity.

His continued lying and shoddy behavior will lead to resentment and hurt. I've seen a post here about letting go and I think it applies in your situation. Let him go and do what he wants to do. Get yourself away and focus on how awesome and amazing you are and move on without him. Maybe he comes crawling back, but he should have to earn your trust and respect because if you dont have those, you don't have a marriage. If he doesn't come back you're better off without him.

Good luck. Perhaps get into counseling to help with the battering your self esteem has taken through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

The part that concerns me is that you say that he's done this "for most of our relationship." 

So he was doing this BEFORE you got married? If so, sadly, it seems that he may have been "telling" you then what he's telling you now: "maybe this marriage thing isn't for me" - though it appears you didn't want to hear that then or now. IF he was doing this BEFORE you got married, I'm sorry to say, he was really giving you the truth about him. If you thought he would change once he got married, that is a big mistake that too many people make. You both made that mistake - being in love can put blinders on people, and they engage in magical thinking. Weddings are lovely, and we'll live happily ever after. 

But to be blunt about it, he showed you who he truly was, and on some level (though you didn't pay attention) you did know what you were getting - it was truth in advertising. You expected the rings would change things, change him. They don't.

I'm so sorry about this happening to you, because it is very painful. But if this stuff was going on before you got married, I'm afraid there isn't much chance that his behavior is going to change. Again, I'm so sorry.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Sure I understand he might get a rush from hussling pics and dirty talk from women , which man wouldn't? 

Its unlikely he would be able to stop if the interactions with the women led to further intimacy. 

He is looking for trouble and plainly disrespecting you and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you accept his behavior, he'll stay married to you. Otherwise, he likely won't. Is that really how you want to live your life?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So you catch him being utterly disrespectful with the sexting, with the secret accounts, and he flips it around and makes you the bad guy. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry you are here too.
and i'm sorry your husband continues to disrespect you. his actions are not those of a married, committed man that truly loves his wife. not at all.

do you have children?
how much longer will his job continue to take him away from home?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm sorry to read about your situation, Sunshine8. It really looks like he's not going to change and he's even told you that "maybe this marriage thing isn't for me." I'm afraid it's true. He wants to do things single guys do.


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## Sunshine8 (Mar 6, 2014)

We don't have children. He's in the military so he is gone a lot. At least one month a year. All the words I am reading here are not what I wanted to hear at all. But maybe you all are right. I do deserve better. 

I told a close friend everything last night. It was the first time I've ever told anyone about any of it. She was shocked. She said he only ever says great things about me (she works with him) and that she thought we were one of the last real couples out there. I don't understand how he can have this secret life.

I'm terrified of looking like a failure and of being a disappointment to every who's believed in us. I'm terrified of being alone and not having my best friend with me. I just don't want to deal with this. I wish it would go away.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> he will tell me that he gets a rush from it and that it is fun for him to see how far he can get these women to go. He normally wants them to send him pictures, talk dirty to him, etc.


I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but if my SO did anything like this I'd be gone. I couldn't be emotionally involved with someone who continually broke my trust and behaved as though they were single.

He obviously has no intentions of stopping his singleton behaviour and, whether he realizes it or not, he's cheating on you and your marriage.

Who wants to spend their life continually checking up on a spouse like this? It must be playing havoc with your self-esteem and causing you endless anxiety, OP, and IMO it's time for you to make some decisions.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband sounds like a Sex and Love Addict

http://www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/Characteristics-of-Sex-Love-Addiction.pdf

My husband is a sex addict who has been clean for almost 4 years. It's a lifelong struggle for him and he has to work on it continuously or it would take over his life again. He attends a 12 step group. Your husband telling you that he doesn't think he's cut out for marriage is, in a way, a cry for help. He probably has no idea why he does all this stuff.

My suggestion would be to urge him to see a certified sex addictions therapist (CSAT) for an evaluation. but at the same time, begin to dissociate from him. You cannot help him, only HE can. And he has to do it because he wants to, not because you force him to.

Look up the 180 (google 180 The Healing Heart) and do it, for YOU. Keep in mind that the 180 is NOT for you to win him back. It's for you to dissociate and work on YOU, for YOUR happiness apart from him.

Good luck. This whole thing really sucks.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And this would be a good book for you

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Sunshine8 said:


> I'm terrified of looking like a failure and of being a disappointment to every who's believed in us. I'm terrified of being alone and not having my best friend with me. I just don't want to deal with this. I wish it would go away.


Your feelings are normal and understandable. Unfortunately, when a spouse does this sort of thing, those of us who are betrayed feel humiliated. But YOUR behavior was not the behavior that was dishonoring the marriage vows. Try to keep reminding yourself of that. And remember that you also deserve better than this. If this keeps going on for years, it will eat you alive. You cannot live with the pain of ongoing betrayal. Be good to yourself. Talk to your friend again. You will need support.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Sunshine8 said:


> I'm terrified of looking like a failure and of being a disappointment to every who's believed in us. I'm terrified of being alone and not having my best friend with me. I just don't want to deal with this. I wish it would go away.


i know you are scared but living every day with a man i couldn't trust sounds more terrifying to me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Craigslist is for hook ups. Plain and simple. You have to decide what you want but know that going out on weekends getting drunk and having secret accounts and especially a craigslist account means he is getting strange.

His reaction is plain old blameshifting.

He has already mentioned the D bomb. He already has one foot out the door.


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## IPoH (Jul 31, 2012)

This is going to hurt, there's no other way to say it though. A marriage is a giant, beautiful treasure. It is so great that no one person can take care of it alone, it requires two people to care for it, protect it and keep it going. Sometimes one partner can make up the difference of the other partner for some things, but not for everything. He has left you to take care of the marriage yourself, he has abandoned you to do all the work while he still wants the benefits of the appearance of a wonderful marriage. You can try to make up for his lack of work in the marriage but ultimately you can't and the stress will break you. You deserve to be treated so much better than this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My thought is he is doing one of two things:

1.) Enjoys the thrill of the hunt more than marriage and if pushed will end the marriage.
2.) Believes you are more scared to lose him than to put up with the infidelity and is testing you.

If it's one, you will be miserable if you stay. So, get out.

If it's two, he will own you if you stay. So, head for the exit, if he is bluffing you will find out. If not, it's really number one and at least your pointed in the right direction.

Don't isolate yourself. Gather evidence, show it to your family, his family. Make sure they all know the truth. 

Sorry you are here, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. You will get lots of advice here, you have to live with whatever choice you make (or don't make). So, evaluate it, plan out your options and make the choice you can live with. Sometimes they all stink, but even the stinky choices sometimes have merit in the end.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Acoa said:


> My thought is he is doing one of two things:
> 
> 1.) Enjoys the thrill of the hunt more than marriage and if pushed will end the marriage.
> 2.) Believes you are more scared to lose him than to put up with the infidelity and is testing you.
> ...


Great advice from Acoa, as usual.

Don't let him manipulate you. You are more valuable than that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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