# Does this mean he doesn't love me?



## jbjbjbjb (Jan 14, 2015)

We've been married for 8 years and although we were very "lovey" in the early years, I think things have fizzled out. Yes we've now got kids and busy work lives too, but there are some specific things that my husband doesn't do that he once did, that I feel can only be a result of not loving/caring about me.
One obvious example is gift giving...we used to give each other a card every anniversary, Christmas, valentines, birthday and often a thoughtful/unique gift. Now, although I still do this for my husband (on every special occasion), he usually does not do the same in return. He sometimes manages to buy the card, but doesn't get around to writing in it. Or, he'll tell me what idea he had for a gift but didn't get around to organizing it. I put a lot of thought and effort into his cards and gifts - and he knows I put a lot of value on receiving cards/gifts (not that I want expensive things...I just feel valued from the thought/planning/sentiment that goes into the gift or card).

I used to shrug it off and make excuses for him, but we have been to at least 10 couples counseling sessions ( about a year ago) and I've explicitly told him I need him to write me a card. I tried implementing a $20 mandatory thoughtful gift for our last anniversary....I had his watch engraved with a quote, whereas he told me all his ideas were too expensive so I got nothing. The card he bought did not get written in, despite me asking for him to write in it (probably on a weekly basis for the next few months following our anniversary). He knows how upset it makes me. I asked the reason he doesn't do it....he doesn't know, but now says it's partly because I expect him not to do it that he doesn't do it. Does that even make sense? I don't get my hopes up for a card/gift, because if I do I will just end up more upset and feel more disappointed. And I only expect to not receive anything because of his recent track record. 

I try to tell myself he just isn't romantic, but he used to do all these things. It's got to the point where I think if he had any decency he would just write me a card out of guilt (since if someone kept giving me things, I would feel I had to reciprocate). Maybe he has nothing nice to write and he doesn't love me....but he insists he does. 

Other than the romantic side of our relationship, he is a good husband and helps with the kids, household things etc. If he had never been romantic I wouldn't worry (but he was for at least the first 5 years - this is more over the last 3 years.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is upset at you about something. The actions that you describe are a passive aggressive way to punish you for whatever he's angry about.

Let's look at some things....

He did not buy you a gift or write in the card because he figured you expected him not to... or in other words because you wanted him to get you a gift and write in the card. So what is it that he wants you to do, but you do not do?

How's your sex life? Is it going down hill too?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things you both enjoy... just the two of you?


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## jbjbjbjb (Jan 14, 2015)

Thanks for the reply.

I've asked him why he doesn't do these things I need from our relationship and he doesn't have an answer. I've asked if he knows how important they are to me and he does. He knows how I feel when he doesn't do them. I have not done anything bad or anything that I can think of that he would feel angry about. I've asked him if I've done anything wrong and he's said no.

Sex life is ok....I just have to not think about how these things make me feel. I substitute this interest in me for his lack of romance in gifts/cards, and it works in the short term. I'm good at pretending things are ok when they are not...until it all gets too much and we have an argument (which is usually me just questioning him and him not having any answers).

We do a lot of things together with our kids (I am the one who organizes all our family outings/holidays etc). Because the kids are young we don't get out much just the two of us....occasional dinner on special occasions. I always choose and book place, arrange childcare etc....but have more recently made him do this every 2nd time so he takes more responsibility. I still ultimately feel it is me making the decisions though. We have time together at night when kids in bed - we do talk, watch movies together, cook meals together, have recently gone on a health-regime together, so we do together-type things. But they are non-romantic things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home? Or is your husband the sole breadwinner in your family?

It's very usual for a person who is upset at their spouse to not be able to put the reason they are upset into words. Instead is comes out in passive aggressive antics like the ones your husband is doing.

Your marriage is in trouble. What is going on is a downward spiral.

There are some good books that I think will help you. Read them in the order listed...

*"Divorce Busting" *(pay attention to the chapter on how to create change and the 180 {not the 180 liked to in my signature block below})

*"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"*


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## jbjbjbjb (Jan 14, 2015)

Thanks.will definitely give those a read. Yes...I work outside the home 3 days a week and my husband is in full time employment. I find I dwell on our issues on the days when I'm home with the kids as its not as mentally distracting as my job is. I worry if he can't express what he is upset with me about or doesn't know we can't fix it. 

Thanks For your input.


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## Atomic girl (Oct 30, 2014)

I recommend the book "proper care and feeding of husbands" awesome advice by Dr Laura (she's harsh, but good) . When you make demands on a man, you are imasculating him, now you act like his boss, or worse, his mother! Think about how much you so this, and stop it asap!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
From a man's perspective it may not be that he is angry/upset with you at all but rather a matter of responsibility and importance. To MOST men (notice not ALL men) romance is part of the wooing process. Once life settles in with the responsibilities and schedules and worries then the things perceived to be of lesser importance are sometimes let go.

A responsible man is very conscious of his role and is constantly reevaluating life's situations to be sure his family and their future is cared for and secure. I do not mean to belittle your concerns but to MOST men cards, flowers and little gifts are not crucial to his families survival and security. They are a "bonus" if you will and their importance is lessened in his eyes.

If he is helping, providing and in other areas being a good H then perhaps don't put quite so much emphasis over a piece of paper with writing on it and look at what he does every day to express how much he cares. Just my 2 cents worth.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> From a man's perspective it may not be that he is angry/upset with you at all but rather a matter of responsibility and importance. To MOST men (notice not ALL men) romance is part of the wooing process. Once life settles in with the responsibilities and schedules and worries then the things perceived to be of lesser importance are sometimes let go.
> 
> A responsible man is very conscious of his role and is constantly reevaluating life's situations to be sure his family and their future is cared for and secure. I do not mean to belittle your concerns but to MOST men cards, flowers and little gifts are not crucial to his families survival and security. They are a "bonus" if you will and their importance is lessened in his eyes.
> ...


 As another man I mostly agree with the above. The thing I would like to add is take a hard look at your husbands other actions. Does he still still communicate with you? Does he still touch you when you are close? Does he look at you? Is he considerate about your goals? Does he do things to make your day a bit easier?

If he has closed down emotionally to you and does none of those things my guess is he has fallen out of love with you, and there could be countless reasons for that. If he still shows you love and respect in your day to day lives maybe the card and gift exchange just got old and tired for him, and frankly you trying to force him to write in the card isn't going to give you the sentimental message you are hoping for. 

Yes I understand how important that tradition is to you, so here's my suggestion....go buy yourself the gift you want, wrap it up and put it on the table with the heart felt card to your self. In the morning while your husband is there act all surprised and appreciative about the gift and card. Spare no expense on the gift, and show your husband the card, just make sure the signature at the end is "With love, your next husband"

Maybe a bit passive/agressive but your husband should get the point and maybe the day could start out with a little levity instead of guilt and resentment.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

There is nothing in any of your posts that lead me to believe he doesn't love you. NOTHING. Back when I loved my wife more than life itself, I never bought her cards. The process of picking the right one and putting my feelings in it gave me hives. I always thought she understood that.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You both need to bring the spark once in a while in your relationship. People can easily fall out of love over time, and it is something that needs to be nourished. You need to make you and the husband the priority over the kids at times. Unlike you and your children, whom have a biological bond, you and your husband do not share that bond. It takes more work for the two of you to maintain that level of love. I am guessing, that each of you may be going towards the platonic. Every relationship needs some level of excitement, or your relationship is no better than room mates caring for children.

See if you can set an example of starting to do romantic things. Take him out on a date. You may have to be the one who gets the ball rolling on this one. Take him somewhere he would find exciting, and hope he returns the favor. Romance is needed to infuse in any long term relationship to get that in love feeling.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Atomic girl said:


> I recommend the book "proper care and feeding of husbands" awesome advice by Dr Laura (she's harsh, but good) . When you make demands on a man, you are imasculating him, now you act like his boss, or worse, his mother! Think about how much you so this, and stop it asap!


That really is a good book once you get past the title. If read with an open mind would fix many problems in marriage


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Not sure why he is not doing it, seems a bit silly not too. My wife is the same way and although I value "showing love each and every day" vs card on special occasion WAY WAY WAY more, it would be silly for me not to do that for her (especially she is just like OP).

But on the other hand, for OP to say that husband no longer loves her because "he doesn't get me a card/gift" is a bit silly as well.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

DoF said:


> Not sure why he is not doing it, seems a bit silly not too. My wife is the same way and although I value "showing love each and every day" vs card on special occasion WAY WAY WAY more, it would be silly for me not to do that for her (especially she is just like OP).
> 
> But on the other hand, for OP to say that husband no longer loves her because "he doesn't get me a card/gift" is a bit silly as well.


If her love language is gifts, then it's not. He is literally not showing her love in the way that she is able to feel it.

Gifts has always been one of my love languages, but I've always been made to feel bad for it, and so in the last couple of years, I've tried hard to find anything else that ranks as high for interpreting love in hopes that I could replace gifts with it. For wanting gifts, I was treated like I was selfish, petty, and materialistic. Trust me, it sucks when you know what you need to feel loved, and are told how very wrong it is to want that.

jbjbjbjb, do you know what your husband's love language is, and do you do those things for him? Would he be willing to read the book or at least do the quiz with you? Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> From a man's perspective it may not be that he is angry/upset with you at all but rather a matter of responsibility and importance. To MOST men (notice not ALL men) romance is part of the wooing process. Once life settles in with the responsibilities and schedules and worries then the things perceived to be of lesser importance are sometimes let go.
> 
> A responsible man is very conscious of his role and is constantly reevaluating life's situations to be sure his family and their future is cared for and secure. I do not mean to belittle your concerns but to MOST men cards, flowers and little gifts are not crucial to his families survival and security. They are a "bonus" if you will and their importance is lessened in his eyes.
> ...


And the more times you tell him he's screwing up, the farther away he pulls. 

Men's #1 needs are usually sex and admiration. You're giving duty sex and you've made it clear he's a disappointment.


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## Don-Juan (Sep 1, 2013)

Cooper said:


> As another man I mostly agree with the above. The thing I would like to add is take a hard look at your husbands other actions. Does he still still communicate with you? Does he still touch you when you are close? Does he look at you? Is he considerate about your goals? Does he do things to make your day a bit easier?
> 
> If he has closed down emotionally to you and does none of those things my guess is he has fallen out of love with you, and there could be countless reasons for that. If he still shows you love and respect in your day to day lives maybe the card and gift exchange just got old and tired for him, and frankly you trying to force him to write in the card isn't going to give you the sentimental message you are hoping for.
> 
> ...



I like what *"Nochoice"* has to say on this, completely agree!:smthumbup:


Per *"Coopers"* advice, do not threaten your H with divorce unless you are willing to actually divorce him! The "passive/aggressive" "with love, your next husband" would not go over very well in our house, jus say'n.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MachoMcCoy said:


> There is nothing in any of your posts that lead me to believe he doesn't love you. NOTHING. Back when I loved my wife more than life itself, I never bought her cards. * The process of picking the right one and putting my feelings in it gave me hives.* I always thought she understood that.


I had to laugh at this post.. Ok.. My H is similar to this.. We only did the card thing early on.. then stopped (we did save them all!).... writing is NOT HIS THING.. where I could write a book, he struggles with a sentence.. that's just the reality.. when we were dating... I wrote him letters, he answered every one faithfully.. not long ago I asked about this.....as I'll never see that again [email protected]#$....he told me he was never crazy about all that writing - he did it cause he wanted me.. 



> *vms said*: If her love language is gifts, then it's not. He is literally not showing her love in the way that she is able to feel it.
> 
> Gifts has always been one of my love languages, but I've always been made to feel bad for it, and so in the last couple of years, I've tried hard to find anything else that ranks as high for interpreting love in hopes that I could replace gifts with it. For wanting gifts, I was treated like I was selfish, petty, and materialistic. Trust me, it sucks when you know what you need to feel loved, and are told how very wrong it is to want that.


 THIS ^^^ I am someone who has gifts on the very bottom personally but "Words of Affirmation is #3".. I've told my H I'd be more excited if he wrote me something mushy on a paper napkin over buying me gold... I probably won't see either....mind you.... but he shows it in other ways..he is a Time and Touch man.. One time he said to me.. 'My touch should be worth a thousand words".. stopped me in my tracks. I was trying to get him to flirt more ... that SHUT ME UP! He was right.. 

*So I ask you..in what ways does your husband show he loves you ..outside of the written words and gifts??..*

It's tough when a couple has Love languages on opposite ends...sounds it may be the case... We generally GIVE what we crave to receive..this coming natural to us...almost like breathing... 

The test again..







 Love Languages Personal Profile 







sounds you & he are pretty close with the movies at night, cooking meals together, the health-regime together...the sharing of TIME seems to be fulfilled anyway....and you much enjoy being together ? 

Is it possible he is craving more TOUCH.. Erotic/ sexual touch / affection....(many men do!)... while you are craving for Gifts with the affirmation.. If you feel you have fallen down on your end to "fill his cup"...I'd start there ...hence Dr Laura's book... this could bring you closer ... 

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands  .... 

Another question...does he feel "respected" as a man..so important also...another really good book...

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs:


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