# Are threats to make a false domestic violence complaint common?



## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Are threats to make a false domestic violence complaint common?

A few months back my wife threatened to make a false domestic complaint against me. I've never hit her or any thing close to like that. It was like a dagger to the heart, I still can't believe she said it.

I've previously posted about her being abusive but didn't mention this because I was worried it would reduce the anonymity of the post but have since read this isn't that uncommon.

Any one else have this experience and how you worked through it. Did your relationship survive? 

Months later our relationship is back on track but I'm having a lot of trouble "getting over this". As soon as the words left her mouth much of my attraction to her evaporated and even months later hasn't completely returned. I had to try really hard not to turn into an instant misogynist. 

I feel like I'll never completely trust her again.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Are threats to make a false domestic violence complaint common?
> 
> A few months back my wife threatened to make a false domestic complaint against me. I've never hit her or any thing close to like that. It was like a dagger to the heart, I still can't believe she said it.
> 
> ...


To answer your question first, I have no idea if those threats are common.

I know if I was in your position, I would never look at a person the same way. That type of threat stems from a malicious mind frame and that is frightening as hell. I don't know that you'll ever fully recover from that type of evil intent being spewed from her mouth. Are you considering trying to move past or is this something you can never really see yourself overcoming?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I've never heard of anyone I know in real life either saying something like that or hearing it from their partner. I'm sure it happens. I can't speak to how common it is. But it's not something I would think would be common among well-adjusted mature adults without emotional/mental issues or personality disorders. 

I think, for me, that would be a very serious issue in the relationship. A threat like that means that she's actually given some thought to doing it. You say you don't feel like you can ever completely trust her again. I'm of the opinion that you _shouldn't_ trust someone who would threaten that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It happens. Is it common? Define common. I doubt that there are any stats on it. My guess is that false reports are low. But it's devastating when it happens.

If she literally said that she would file false charges against you for domestic violence, why on earth are you still with her?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Are threats to make a false domestic violence complaint common?
> 
> A few months back my wife threatened to make a false domestic complaint against me. I've never hit her or any thing close to like that. It was like a dagger to the heart, I still can't believe she said it.
> 
> ...


In the state I live in they hand out RO like candy. Most domestic situations always come down to the he said/she said so you have no real proof one way or another. 

I have lived the false allegation temp RO situation and know many people in my area who have. The biggest problem with even someone just threatening it is when you have disagreements or arguments which are bound to happen in relationships you almost always feel you have to give in at some point because if you spouse gets mad enough they can always just file a report to get back at you. Once they threaten it, it always sticks in your head. 

The intent and fundamentals of the law is good but its application is flawed. Like I said in my part of the world you can get one for near anything and its used more as a revenge tactic more than someone who actually needs help.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

If my wife said that to me- even if we had been married 20 years- I would instantly and immediately do the following:

1) Attain a VAR and have it recording at all times.
2) Call the top 5 divorce lawyers in the region and get consultations
3) Get a notarized statement that I claim my wife threatened to file a false domestic complaint against me just to have in case she tries when 4/5 happens (so I have a documented statement of such threat PRE her claim).
4) File for divorce with whatever lawyer gave me the best impression.
5) Have her served with papers at work or any place where I am not around.
6) Avoid any and all unnecessary contact with said wife.

Things get complicated. If you have kids, you must fight to stay in their presence or you risk the court giving you limited visitation as opposed to 50/50 custody. You cant just leave the marital house permanently or you can be got for "abandonment" (and a woman willing to file a false domestic claim would surely try to screw you with abandonment if she could).

Saying such a thing shows you she is wicked, AND that she has little to no respect for you- not a good combination. I agree with EleGirl- wtf are you still doing with this woman? PREPARE YOUR EXIT NOW!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> If my wife said that to me- even if we had been married 20 years- I would instantly and immediately do the following:
> 
> 1) Attain a VAR and have it recording at all times.
> 2) Call the top 5 divorce lawyers in the region and get consultations
> ...


I would add to that. I'd have the VAR on me and get her talking about the accusation. Get solid proof of it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Few things are quite as common as a domestic violence or child abuse complaint coming from someone (usually a woman) who is going through divorce or separation. I think most cops and judges are pretty good at separating real victims from BS slingers. There are really few ways for the average woman to wield power over her husband. Calling the law is an obviously tempting one and it is frequently used. Hopefully, your marriage will heal and improve. If it fails, you might as well expect that she will at least try to accuse you of some sort of abuse, regardless of how saintly you may be. Truth and reality can't compete with emotions. Always amazes me that a wife can be a great mother for 15 years but in a divorce, her husband will accuse her of being a complete nut job. He could be a wonderful father for 15 years but when the marriage fails, she'll say he's so violent he can't be trusted to spend time with his own kids. In truth, both are usually pretty sane, responsible adults. Nothing brings out nasty like a separation or divorce.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Are threats to make a false domestic violence complaint common?
> 
> A few months back my wife threatened to make a false domestic complaint against me. I've never hit her or any thing close to like that. It was like a dagger to the heart, I still can't believe she said it.
> 
> ...


You shouldn't trust her. She is threatening to have you falsely arrested. You should go and go now. Until you are gone get a VAR and keep it with you at ALL times.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Few things are quite as common as a domestic violence or child abuse complaint coming from someone (usually a woman) who is going through divorce or separation. * I think most cops and judges are pretty good at separating real victims from BS slingers. * There are really few ways for the average woman to wield power over her husband. Calling the law is an obviously tempting one and it is frequently used. Hopefully, your marriage will heal and improve. If it fails, you might as well expect that she will at least try to accuse you of some sort of abuse, regardless of how saintly you may be. Truth and reality can't compete with emotions. Always amazes me that a wife can be a great mother for 15 years but in a divorce, her husband will accuse her of being a complete nut job. He could be a wonderful father for 15 years but when the marriage fails, she'll say he's so violent he can't be trusted to spend time with his own kids. In truth, both are usually pretty sane, responsible adults. Nothing brings out nasty like a separation or divorce.


We are thankfully due to better training. But unfortunately domestic violence is mandatory arrest and this can very much lean in favor of someone making a false claim. I'm not going to state on a public forum a common way to do this but I have seen it done a few times. Their are even websites and u tube videos on how to make false claims and get your other arrested and out of the house. This is no joke and I would highly suggest the OP leaves and be done with her.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> We are thankfully due to better training. But unfortunately domestic violence is mandatory arrest and this can very much lean in favor of someone making a false claim. I'm not going to state on a public forum a common way to do this but I have seen it done a few times. Their are even websites and u tube videos on how to make false claims and get your other arrested and out of the house. This is no joke and I would highly suggest the OP leaves and be done with her.


+1

I remember reading somewhere that even a threat which goes nowhere legally is PERMANENTLY in your record. As in, even if the domestic claim was demonstrably false, it will stay in your record forever. Anyone familiar with domestic claims able to confirm or deny this?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> +1
> 
> I remember reading somewhere that even a threat which goes nowhere legally is PERMANENTLY in your record. As in, even if the domestic claim was demonstrably false, it will stay in your record forever. Anyone familiar with domestic claims able to confirm or deny this?


The only way something could stay with you is if you were found guilty or plea bargained a case. Otherwise no


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I would add to that. I'd have the VAR on me and get her talking about the accusation. Get solid proof of it.


I hear what youre saying and agree it would be great to have her on tape threatening such a thing. At the same, I cant help but wonder if he would be better off just staying clear the hell away from her?

From what he said, she made this claim a few months ago and has since "improved"; how would he go about getting her to say such a thing again? Tough one for sure..

OP, be ready for war with the divorce. A woman who says that may very well get downright nasty..



Wolf1974 said:


> The only way something could stay with you is if you were found guilty or plea bargained a case. Otherwise no


Good to know, thanks...


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> The only way something could stay with you is if you were found guilty or plea bargained a case. Otherwise no


I am not sure that is true. In fact, I think it is actually not true.

If it was dismissed or you were found not guilty, then there is still a record of your arrest. See the link:

No charges, no trial, but presumed guilty | Toronto Star

Note, in this article these are people that were never found guilty, and in fact, charges were dismisseed, but still had their career dreams shattered. It's a Canadian article, but I have seen the same thing regarding US accused.

Employers/agencies will often ask if you have ever been ARRESTED, regardless of outcome. You then get to "explain" your arrest. You don't think that saying, "I was arrested or domestic violence (or even a rape accusation, like the Duke Lacrosse Team members), but was not convicted" is going to have SOME affect on your prospects? What about even just the embarrassment of having that in the file. 

If you lie and say "no", then you will be subject to firing for lying on your application.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Background/time line, a covered a lot of this in a previous post so will keep it brief.

Been together since high school, over 10 years

Threat along with attacking me in public was the crescendo to a six month period of abusing me during a time that was very stressful due to non-relationship reasons moving country/money/jobs. 

After I called her out on it she stopped being abusive. She was very remorseful about what she had done. 

We stayed together another month, she went back to being a nice wife. I was extremely unhappy due to not being able to move past what she said and did. 

She asked why I was unhappy I told her I still love her but wasn't "in love with her" due to what she did/said. She didn't go crazy, told me if I needed time she'd give it to me, got on plane and flew back to her home town.

I called her told her I wanted a divorce after she arrived home. She was initially upset but no crazy threats and told me she would wait for me to change my mind.

I was then living on my own in a city I had only just moved to (to take new job). It was hard, she was kind on the phone, it was hard being on my own, my father put a lot pressure on me to work it out with her (after hearing me out and initially being understanding).

After a not so pleasant night out my wife called and being upset I told her I thought I was going to change my mind. Next time I talked to her she had quit the job she had just started (in home town) and booked a flight back.

Since she's been back she has been great. I told her what I wouldn't put up with again and she agreed. So situation is no longer volatile I just want to move past this and be 100% confident in my marriage again but can't figure out how to accept it.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

If she literally said that she would file false charges against you for domestic violence, why on earth are you still with her?[/QUOTE]

Here's the list

- High school sweet hearts
- Lots of common interests 
- She's stopped acting crazy
- She looks stunning and I do not (shallow I know)
- When sane has a pleasant personality
- Has always been faithful and never shown any signs of wanting to be otherwise
- Our families like each other
- Similar life goals 
- She finds me attractive

ect 

She actually if my "dream girl". I just wish she hadn't acted the way she did, I know she'd take it back if she could.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

I'm of the opinion that you _shouldn't_ trust someone who would threaten that.[/QUOTE]

That's kinda how I feel about it


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> If my wife said that to me- even if we had been married 20 years- I would instantly and immediately do the following:
> 
> 1) Attain a VAR and have it recording at all times.
> 2) Call the top 5 divorce lawyers in the region and get consultations
> ...


That would have been a sane reaction. What I actually did was be an idiot by inviting a woman I'd be befriended at the job I'd just left, who had previously invited me to her room after I'd dropped her home following a drinking session (with work colleagues) back to my house while my wife was away working. In the end I changed my mind. 

Wife was not happy when I told her and for a while I continued to ignore her abuse while begging for her to forgive me for what I almost did. I didn't want to make excuses for the mistake I made so it was a couple more weeks before I told her the abuse had to stop.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Background/time line, a covered a lot of this in a previous post so will keep it brief.
> 
> Been together since high school, over 10 years
> 
> ...


Two questions:

How long has it been since the incident? The longer it has been, the more chance she has to show that she has changed/won't happen again.

Also, would she be willing to sign some sort of notarized affidavit saying that she has made this false accusation in the past, which you could hold on to for future security (she might be offended, but might take it in the same vein as a "pre-nuptial" agreement.)

Either way, recognize there is some risk that this could happen again, hence the warnings by the fellow posters.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> +1
> 
> I remember reading somewhere that even a threat which goes nowhere legally is PERMANENTLY in your record. As in, even if the domestic claim was demonstrably false, it will stay in your record forever. Anyone familiar with domestic claims able to confirm or deny this?


If the spouse filed charges it is permanent on your record. Whether you were found innocent, guilty or it was dismissed it shows up at least it does in my state. I type my name in the public access court site and it shows up even though she dismissed one before trial.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

honcho said:


> If the spouse filed charges it is permanent on your record. Whether you were found innocent, guilty or it was dismissed it shows up at least it does in my state. I type my name in the public access court site and it shows up even though she dismissed one before trial.


That is total crap. Im sorry that happened to you man 

I cannot even begin to process how anyone could justify doing that to another person. Totally classless and sadistic...

OP, take heed! I like the above suggestion if you do decide to stay with her- make sure she signs a notarized statement admitting her threat to falsely implicate you with domestic violence charges. Unfortunately, that still wont prevent you from facing honcho's fate if she ever decides to follow through.

I would leave her immediately.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Yes. I would have trouble trusting her again. I'd make sure I had at the very least a smart phone and the moment an argument started, I'd start it up in voice memo and I'd leave a LOT of memory free.

Some VARs can hold a week of data. Just saying.

She should sign a statement she made a false accusation and have it notarized. This will not cover you if she shows up bruised (nor should it!) but IF she tries to railroad you, she will have to 'take a hit'.

That being said, you can keep track of where you are at all times, whom you talk to, watch for signs she is setting you up and make sure you can photo and audio document supposed 'violence scenes'.

This is a lot of work for a hot piece of tail.

THAT BEING SAID: we all say and do stupid things. So far, she's shown a change. Let's see how long she can keep it going.

Will she make more mistakes? Probably. Here is the problem: once she lets that genie out of the bottle (as opposed to her other abuse) you are DONE. 

Maybe marriage counseling? There is another answer. Make sure she tells a counselor about that incident and sign a release ABOUT him/her communicating that incident if the authorities get involved.

Good luck


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> That is total crap. Im sorry that happened to you man
> 
> I cannot even begin to process how anyone could justify doing that to another person. Totally classless and sadistic...
> 
> ...


Have you ever screamed or joked about something horrible with your spouse? "I'll bury your lover in the backyard"? "Pow, zoom, straight to the moon!" "I'll make you wish you'd never married me!"

People say such things...and don't really mean them.

So...how much 'slack' do we cut each other? That is the question. Yes, he loses this annoying worry, but he also loses a potential great spouse, to hear him talk about it.

That takes some measured consideration. I am NOT minimizing this, just reflecting.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF she's cured of crazy behavior, it's time to let it go and see what the future brings.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My story is slightly off topic, but I have a male friend whose ex-wife and daughters have consistently terrorized and falsely reported him to child protective services _for years_.

He's not been found guilty once, yet it happens over and over again, and I don't understand why the court system allows this to continue.

He's basically unable to disagree or parent without at least a threat, and I told him ages ago that I wouldn't be able to tolerate what he goes through. I would give up custody and walk away before living like that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You both have a lot of work to do.

Haven't seen marriage counseling mentioned.

You need it. If the both of you are going to seriously try and make a go of it, then take the right steps. Make an appointment. Inform of her when.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I am not sure that is true. In fact, I think it is actually not true.
> 
> If it was dismissed or you were found not guilty, then there is still a record of your arrest. See the link:
> 
> ...


Arrest yes but not court records. Only one who has access those are police and law enforcement entities. When you do a criminal background check those don't show up. I believe government does have some a exception with that though I'm not 100% sure on that one

Potential employers can ask anything they want but only have a right to certain information. And yes I realize if you don't provide it they can hold that against you but I was only speaking of what information is available out there through state cic reports.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JCD said:


> Have you ever screamed or joked about something horrible with your spouse? "I'll bury your lover in the backyard"? "Pow, zoom, straight to the moon!" "I'll make you wish you'd never married me!"
> 
> People say such things...and don't really mean them.
> 
> ...


Big difference between a joke and a threat. Ontop of that it's such an odd threat out of the air to come up with. It sounds like something she has either thought about or done to someone else before. Either way run


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

honcho said:


> If the spouse filed charges it is permanent on your record. Whether you were found innocent, guilty or it was dismissed it shows up at least it does in my state. I type my name in the public access court site and it shows up even though she dismissed one before trial.


Really? Well maybe that does vary from state to state on criminal background checks. Doesn't work that way here. Granted you can now get a ton of information on google and independent internet search records. Everything is out there. So if employers are using those tools you can count on them knowing everything. Always best to be honest I would think


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> If my wife said that to me- even if we had been married 20 years- I would instantly and immediately do the following:
> 
> 1) Attain a VAR and have it recording at all times.
> 2) Call the top 5 divorce lawyers in the region and get consultations
> ...


This! :iagree:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
A threat of a false report would be reason for me to cut off all contact with a person under any condition where witnesses were not present. They are basically threatening to destroy your life. This is worse than physical violence because the harm is much worse.

I know you are back together again, so I won't suggest that you leave - but be alert. I would not accept a single slip-up on this.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Big difference between a joke and a threat. Ontop of that it's such an odd threat out of the air to come up with. It sounds like something she has either thought about or done to someone else before. Either way run


In this culture? Really? Watching Law and Order would bring up this threat. Certainly the Lifetime channel or Desperate Housewives.

And I don't think it's a joke. I think she said something out of a fit of anger. Whether she regrets it or not, I do not know. Neither do you. Do you hold your children accountable when in a fit of anger, they say 'I hate you!'

Generally not. Yes, she is not a child. But people do stupid things in the spur of the moment, up to and including slapping people when that isn't cool at all.

If I was so stupid to do such a thing, I would want forgiveness...hopefully I would try to apologize IMMEDIATELY and not see this as 'counting coup' in the argument wars like she seems to have.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I understand the idea of a second chance. 
But you do understand, you are the one taking the bigger risk by taking her back right?

Let's say next time she doesn't threaten you by making false domestic violence claims, but actually does it. 
People here have said that ends with an automatic arrest. Now I don't know how useful a VAR will be to a police officer. Even if you do have one, do you want to test it against your wife crying to an officer about how mean and abusive you are? 

You taking a chance here ends with either, you having your marriage, or you in jail. 
I knew a guy that went to prison. He was hired at the grocery I used to work at, never found out why he went though. But he told me, the two people that don't do well in prison: child molesters, and domestic abusers.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

JCD said:


> Wolf1974 said:
> 
> 
> > Big difference between a joke and a threat. Ontop of that it's such an odd threat out of the air to come up with. It sounds like something she has either thought about or done to someone else before. Either way run
> ...



Yes really. I have worked in this field for 14 years. Not the tv one the real criminal justice world and people can have thier whole world torn apart by false accusations. The worse being false claims of any kind of sexual assault but a second would be false claims of domestic violence again because of the repercussions behind it. 

Someone threatens to falsely imprison me, physically hurt me or my kids, or actually hits me or my kids it's an automatic deal breaker. If you don't have an issue with it then so be it. I was advising the OP as someone who has seen this go sideways on several occasions.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I've never heard of anyone I know in real life either saying something like that or hearing it from their partner. I'm sure it happens. I can't speak to how common it is. But it's not something I would think would be common among well-adjusted mature adults without emotional/mental issues or personality disorders.
> 
> I think, for me, that would be a very serious issue in the relationship. A threat like that means that she's actually given some thought to doing it. You say you don't feel like you can ever completely trust her again. I'm of the opinion that you _shouldn't_ trust someone who would threaten that.


 I have. Friend of mine got into an argument with his wife and she threatened to file abuse charges when he never ever laid a hand on her or for that matter very seldom raised his voice.

What it did was make him the door mat because of the fear that she would do it.

This went on for three years and finally the light bulb went off on his head and one night she started in on him and she brought it up again and this time he told her to go right ahead and make the call. He handed her the phone and left. 

Returned four days later and she was panic stricken. She wanted to know where he went and he told her he went to the land of OZ. Then he packed up two suit cases and told her to have a good life and left again. 

He stayed in a motel, went to work came back to the motel and never once called her until she reported him as a missing person, then he came back and told her that he was done, and handed her divorce papers and told her to call the cops, bring in the local, county and state, he didn't care but the marriage was over because he no longer trusted her and wouldn't live with the threat over his head.

She fought to keep the marriage but he wanted nothing to do with her. At least he made his point that if you threaten someone, then either make good on your promise or shut up.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Two questions:
> 
> How long has it been since the incident? The longer it has been, the more chance she has to show that she has changed/won't happen again.
> 
> ...


It's been a couple of months since she's been back.

Thought about asking for affidavit decided against it. Have told a large number of people about what happened (not sure if that would help or not). She didn't do or say anything crazy when I asked to separate which allowed me to trust her enough to try and reconcile. 

I do appreciate the risks, that's why despite her only saying it the once and not repeating other respectful behavior it still bothers me. When she made the threat she made it clear the purpose of doing so would be to "make my life hell" which made it clear how she intended her words to betaken.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I understand the idea of a second chance.
> But you do understand, you are the one taking the bigger risk by taking her back right?


Yes I do


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

6301 said:


> I have. Friend of mine got into an argument with his wife and she threatened to file abuse charges when he never ever laid a hand on her or for that matter very seldom raised his voice.
> 
> What it did was make him the door mat because of the fear that she would do it.
> 
> ...


One difference between your friend and I is that I let her know I wouldn't accept shortly after the first time she said it. I was already a door mate and continued to be for a little while longer (still took her other abuse) but like your friends wife once I called her out and said I wouldn't accept any abuse she also started to work to save our marriage. I think by demanding you be treated with respect you become some one a woman will fight to keep.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Arrest yes but not court records. Only one who has access those are police and law enforcement entities. When you do a criminal background check those don't show up. I believe government does have some a exception with that though I'm not 100% sure on that one


And the arrest alone, even if you were innocent and charges were dismissed, can destroy your livelihood and career, and shown by that article I linked to.

So what does this mean for all these police forces with their 
"mandatory arrest" policies in Domestic Violence calls? It seems to me that those policies are leading to a lot a ruined innocent lives just from the mere accusation/arrest.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

what I really struggle with is due process. I mean if there are no physical signs of abuse, the person arrested is being arrested on mre hearsay.

Don't get me started on double jeopardy. Look at the FSU QB, cleared by the legal system, but now being chased by the NCAA under Title IX. If he is not charged or found not guilty by the legal system there really should not be any other means of going after him. Sorry for the thread jack.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> what I really struggle with is due process. I mean if there are no physical signs of abuse, the person arrested is being arrested on mre hearsay.
> 
> Don't get me started on double jeopardy. Look at the FSU QB, cleared by the legal system, but now being chased by the NCAA under Title IX. If he is not charged or found not guilty by the legal system there really should not be any other means of going after him. Sorry for the thread jack.


Because when someone really wants to get someone arrested they can hurt themselves, have a friend come with them and say they "witnessed it" and then come in the police station and file a complaint. It doesn't happen often but it does in fact happen


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> And the arrest alone, even if you were innocent and charges were dismissed, can destroy your livelihood and career, and shown by that article I linked to.
> 
> So what does this mean for all these police forces with their
> "mandatory arrest" policies in Domestic Violence calls? It seems to me that those policies are leading to a lot a ruined innocent lives just from the mere accusation/arrest.


I am a police officer and I agree with you. Mandatory arrest, while it had its day and was needed, is outdated and needs revamping.

But remember we are law enforcement not law makers. We didn't implement mandatory arrest and we have no power to make it go away either


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

in Massachusetts it is fairly common occurrence during divorces. If you own guns in MA, you have to have a permit. It is common for a wife going thru a divorce to make a false report of violence to get a restraining order. Then the police come and confiscate all of your guns, usually never to be seen again. 

It is so common that the advice given to those getting a divorce is to temporarily transfer ALL of your guns to someone else during the process.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> in Massachusetts it is fairly common occurrence during divorces. If you own guns in MA, you have to have a permit. It is common for a wife going thru a divorce to make a false report of violence to get a restraining order. Then the police come and confiscate all of your guns, usually never to be seen again.
> 
> It is so common that the advice given to those getting a divorce is to temporarily transfer ALL of your guns to someone else during the process.


Sadly

Accurate

Here they do it because it's unfortunately common knowledge that it will end a military spouses career. And we have a ton of military bases


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> in Massachusetts it is fairly common occurrence during divorces. If you own guns in MA, you have to have a permit. It is common for a wife going thru a divorce to make a false report of violence to get a restraining order. Then the police come and confiscate all of your guns, usually never to be seen again.
> 
> It is so common that the advice given to those getting a divorce is to temporarily transfer ALL of your guns to someone else during the process.[/QUOTE
> 
> ...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yes, the cops here will not arrest a spouse filing a false report either. I think it is because MA is an antigun state. You would think filing a report, when the spouse has a airtight alibi (i.e. out of the country) would be a no-brainer!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> murphy5 said:
> 
> 
> > in Massachusetts it is fairly common occurrence during divorces. If you own guns in MA, you have to have a permit. It is common for a wife going thru a divorce to make a false report of violence to get a restraining order. Then the police come and confiscate all of your guns, usually never to be seen again.
> ...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> NewToHeartBreak said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not saying it didn't happen that way but normally is the DA that won't file on the false report charge not the cops. From our perspective we would love to have a precedent that if you lie to us you will be charged. The DAs perspective here is we don't want victims afraid to come forward. As a result they won't file on a false report to authorities even if we want them to. Same goes with the misuse of 911. Had one guy call to complain that his limo service for his wedding was late and was making his wedding fall behind. Wrapped up 911 operator for 15 minutes cause he kept calling back. DA refused to file on that as well
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

honcho, it will mess up anything you do the rest of your life. It doesn't matter if it was dismissed. It is there to look at and anything that looks like it could possibly be defined as leading to abuse will be held against you, if you are ever in a relationship that your spouse wants to end. It can be used to help with any type of violence against women you might be accused of doing. If a woman decides she doesn't want anyone to know she had sex with you of her own decision, she can claim rape and that dismissal will be considered by the prosecution. Anything can be tied back to that if it is necessary. And they will do it. Don't even think for a minute they won't.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Where I live false reports are very common. Its really unfortunate because it has gotten so bad that even women are skeptical of other women when they file a complaint. From what I've seen they use the threat to control their husbands or actually file the complaint as punishment for something. One women in my neighborhood did it just because her husband wanted her to control her spending. I wish I was making this stuff up.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

The problem with this is not all women do this its the type of woman. In some areas an abusive and manipulative type is one of the common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dcFlorida (Sep 14, 2014)

My suggestion is that you URGENTLY receive legal assistance from an attorney, a really good attorney. Not some guy at the corner bar.
Unfortunately, most men are in denial when they are 'threatened' in this manner. Fact is, your spouse has most likely already gotten lots of advice, and is ready to move on. 
What is at stake?
Divorce
Division of assets
Alimony
child custody
child visitation...

will spouses play dirty???? You bet! look at what is at stake.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Never had to worry about a false assault charge...if and I mean if... the cops were evn called, someone was always bleeding.

From my side of the track it had to be really really bad to bring the cops in.

Back in the day my old lady knew more felons then I did so calling the cops was the last thing family and friend wanted around the front yard.

So from were I'm sitting I think false DV reports happen but are they common no. Generally speaking getting the cops involved only cost everyone time and money in the long run.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I hope it's not common. I'm sure it's more common than I'd like to believe. It's devious and low blow and if you can prove she lied and record the confession, I would hope anyone who makes a false police report is fined.. It also hurts all of the women who are in REAL abusive, dangerous situations and it wastes taxpayer dollars. I'm glad I didn't have to have bruises to prove I was in a dangerous situation since I left out of fear. 

He only left a black eye once (and HE actually took a photo of it - I was napping with our toddler and he thought it was sweet - never even registered to him that I had a black eye) although fingertip bruises on my arm were pretty common - usually he used his forearm to press against my neck and hold me against the wall and his favorite thing to do was to hit my head with his closed fist/knuckles to leave knots on my head - you could feel them but they were hidden by my hair. 

But for anyone to cry wolf out of some skewed sense of entitlement or to get the upper hand is reprehensible. I could never trust someone who basically said they would lie to get me in trouble so they could get their way - that's blackmail.


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## dcFlorida (Sep 14, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I hope it's not common. I'm sure it's more common than I'd like to believe. It's devious and low blow and if you can prove she lied and record the confession, I would hope anyone who makes a false police report is fined.. It also hurts all of the women who are in REAL abusive, dangerous situations and it wastes taxpayer dollars. I'm glad I didn't have to have bruises to prove I was in a dangerous situation since I left out of fear.
> 
> He only left a black eye once (and HE actually took a photo of it - I was napping with our toddler and he thought it was sweet - never even registered to him that I had a black eye) although fingertip bruises on my arm were pretty common - usually he used his forearm to press against my neck and hold me against the wall and his favorite thing to do was to hit my head with his closed fist/knuckles to leave knots on my head - you could feel them but they were hidden by my hair.
> 
> But for anyone to cry wolf out of some skewed sense of entitlement or to get the upper hand is reprehensible. I could never trust someone who basically said they would lie to get me in trouble so they could get their way - that's blackmail.


I am so sorry you went through this. I think the lesson from this is that many humans are capable of sinking to extreme lows in order to get what they want, to feed their egos.. this includes hitting, threatening, name calling, using children as a weapon or falsely accusing someone. 
The scary thing is that in many cases (including my own), such issues come out much later and with few warning signs.

What is the answer? Never trust anyone? Be ready for anything? Have an alibi for everything?


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

dcFlorida said:


> I am so sorry you went through this. I think the lesson from this is that many humans are capable of sinking to extreme lows in order to get what they want, to feed their egos.. this includes hitting, threatening, name calling, using children as a weapon or falsely accusing someone.
> The scary thing is that in many cases (including my own), such issues come out much later and with few warning signs.
> 
> What is the answer? Never trust anyone? Be ready for anything? Have an alibi for everything?


Never trust anyone. Keep only a few sets of clothes, a laptop, a half tank of gas (at least), a means of protection, and a small nest-egg of cash.

Freedom and self-respect are more important than material presence and success.

Children? While great, you are now unfortunately handcuffed to the system; you must comply with its rules in order to even be allowed to see them.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I only posted my experience because even having been in the situation where I got a restraining order due to domestic violence, I realize there are people who abuse the system and it's a shame because it ruins it for everyone.

There are no answers. You can't live never trusting or always covering your butt. You can look for red flags, enforce personal boundaries and expect mutual respect. And if falsely accused of anything, spouse or not, remove yourself from that situation and try to prove your innocence.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I only posted my experience because even having been in the situation where I got a restraining order due to domestic violence, I realize there are people who abuse the system and it's a shame because it ruins it for everyone.
> 
> There are no answers. You can't live never trusting or always covering your butt. You can look for red flags, enforce personal boundaries and expect mutual respect. And if falsely accused of anything, spouse or not, remove yourself from that situation and try to prove your innocence.


It's alot more who abuse it than you could ever realize. The threat on domestic violence is used for leverage. Oh, and they will make the call and lie too.

Your right, if someone would do this to you, you have a choice to leave or stay, and to leave is the correct choice.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I only posted my experience because even having been in the situation where I got a restraining order due to domestic violence, I realize there are people who abuse the system and it's a shame because it ruins it for everyone.
> 
> There are no answers. *You can't live never trusting* or always covering your butt. You can look for red flags, enforce personal boundaries and expect mutual respect. And if falsely accused of anything, spouse or not, remove yourself from that situation and try to prove your innocence.


Sure you can- Ive been doing it all my adult life 

Trust in real life leads to people exploiting your complacency for personal gain. Maintaining trust means believing the trusted person will follow a moral code; the majority of society doesnt respect morals or principles- only a person's ability to effect their will upon the world is respected by society at large. Humanity at large values Power, not moral code or principle (and its a shame). 

We trusted GM and Toyota to make cars safe for us to drive at a given price; they exploited that trust for profit, and people died as a result.

People trusted companies like Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch to give them sound financial advice for a given fee; these companies exploited that trust and sold their customers on financial instruments they knew would fail (and exploited AIG in the process). 

People trust that their spouse will be loyal; CWI shows repeatedly that spouses exploit and betray this trust for their own neurochemical gain. 

You trusted your husband wouldnt harm you and would be your partner in life; he exploited this trust and abused you for his own sick satiation of an inferiority complex inspired by our society (and f'd up genetics in all likelihood).

Yes, we "trust" in red lights stopping traffic and certain institutions providing certain functions that enable us to survive- but in every one of these institutions is a narcissist waiting to exploit any of the small weak members failing to keep up with the herd.

I get what you mean though- to receive respect, you must define and enforce boundaries, etc.. Im guess im more of a pessimist than you are- I think good people worthy of trust are very rare, and thus I live my life in fight or flight mode.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, you get my meaning. I would rather be trusting and disappointed than live my life jaded. I DO prefer to think most people usually do the right thing when it counts. 

If I let my ex make me jaded, he has somehow gotten the best of me. I have done many things in the past that resulted in my being taken advantage of. But that speaks to THEIR character, not mine.  I'm still good with me. 

I'd rather be a little trusting than bitter and walled off. Yet not so trusting that I assume red lights won't malfunction.  It is a careful balance: looking out for yourself without doing so because you are sure someone is about to screw you over.

I'm an optimistic optimist.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'll preface with my belief that my ex is a BPD'r with a good dose of narcissism thrown in as well. I was the one on the receiving end of the physical abuse but that didn't stop her from threatening to call the cops and get me kicked out of the house. Her exact words where, "I'll tell them when they need to hear to get you out of here" Like the OP I was completely shocked and was actually speechless. 
I have a friend who's wife sprung a surprise divorce on him. From what I understand she was able to get a restraining order on him simply on the fact that a) he owned a gun b) he was a steroid user and c) that he had been involve in two bar skirmishes during they're marriage ( I was present for one and it didn't turn into a full fledge fight). He came home to find his locks changed and a notice taped to the front door. It eventually got worked out but took a few weeks.
During my concealed weapons class the instructor counseled. "Don't ever let anyone see your carry weapon. If someone sees it you get a new one." He explained that all someone needs is to be able to describe your weapon to file a false claim against you and make it stick. Maybe not full proof but good advice none the less. 
During my divorce my attorney counseled that if things got hot use your phone to record video. Always have a bug out bag packed. If things are getting hot and you can leave...leave. If you can't leave when she starts assaulting you cover up (go fetal) but don't restrain her or fight back. The idea being that you don't want to leave marks that she could use to say you attacked her. 
Are we having fun yet????


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> That would have been a sane reaction. What I actually did was be an idiot by inviting a woman I'd be befriended at the job I'd just left, who had previously invited me to her room after I'd dropped her home following a drinking session (with work colleagues) back to my house while my wife was away working. In the end I changed my mind.
> 
> Wife was not happy when I told her and for a while I continued to ignore her abuse while begging for her to forgive me for what I almost did. I didn't want to make excuses for the mistake I made so it was a couple more weeks before I told her the abuse had to stop.


If I take your meaning here your "almost affair" precipitated this whole abuse/ false charges thing, correct?

I tend to be a low volume poster so I am going to answer as if so and if your reply (should you reply) shows differently it may be moot.

At the point you brought Mrs.ONS home you had already betrayed your wife. Hence why your "wife was not happy".

She went into Betrayed Spouse mode even though you fessed up.

Her reactive chemicals (hormones and steroids and such) got her pumped up. All kinds of questions and uncertainties arise in the mind of a new betrayed spouse.

Revenge would certainly be something that would cross the mind of many BS's. The debate goes on here from time to time, deejo just closed a thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/215074-revenge-ideas-anyone.html from a wife who is going to expose but was feeling in the "mood" for revenge.

Can I say that I think the feelings are completely understandable?

Can I also say that people who seem like a decent type can become VERY vindictive for the right reasons? 

It would be fun to flip a switch for 30 seconds and see who gets evil fastest and worsts-esh.

People who feel victimized or in a weaker position sometimes justify "using" the system to their advantage.

Now you know how your wife would be if "push comes to shove". Ohhh! That's a bad metaphor to use here.

To whatever extend she would do it to that extent she is not a person with integrity (or lacks goodness in that way, etc), she has some entitlement there.

I think considering what you did, (almost a worse case scenario) she fell to her lowest common denominator. How often does that happen to a person?

She seems to have acted with consideration and love thereafter, (meaning after you corrected her).

From here she seems like a decent person overall, with some entitlement and some spitefulness, but well within the norm IMO.

If your ONS is a "one off" then I think her "Roid rage" is a "one off" as well.

I think you move forward telling yourself that "It was an extreme situation, caused by you, that revealed a weakness in her, but she is overall deserving of your love and trust." You will both likely take the relationship less for granted going forward.


Get that counseling and I am glad you are both working on the marriage, I hope you have many better years to come.

Take care!


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Decorum said:


> If I take your meaning here your "almost affair" precipitated this whole abuse/ false charges thing, correct?...
> 
> I think you move forward telling yourself that "It was an extreme situation, caused by you, that revealed a weakness in her, but she is overall deserving of your love and trust." You will both likely take the relationship less for granted going forward.
> 
> ...


Mostly right and even where your not 100% right your advice still applies. I hold her a lot less accountable for the abuse I got after I told her what an idiot I'd been.

She made the the threat before I asked woman over and at the time didn't know the woman had previously invited me into her room when I dropped her home one night (declined offer at time). She did know we txted each other a lot and had noticed the other woman seemed attracted to me at social functions with work colleges. My Wife has also told me ow wasn't the reason she was upset enough to make the threat.

There was a lot of other stress in our life at the time and though her been annoyed about txt messages wouldn't have helped I think it was so minor in comparison to every thing else that was going on, I'm sure we still would have had the argument where she made the threat even if I'd never meet that woman. The abuse started before I even meet the OW.

After she found out then every thing you've said applies. Hurt and angry doesn't even come close, I hate to think what my 130 pound wife would have done to that OW if she'd bumped into her after that but it would have been one sided and bloody.

But either way yes an extreme situation caused a lot by me and a bit by things beyond either of out control. I've talked to her a lot about it and she talks about feeling frustrated and desperate to get our lives back within our control. This has now happened most of the circumstances that were creating stress have changed for the better.

I feel that I've now forgiven her and she says shes forgiven me. We still both carry a little in security towards each other but it's fading by the day and is no longer a barrier to being happy together. 

I'll never forget it and I know my wife won't forget what I did but I have a fantastic wife, I can now look back at what happened and still say shes the best thing that has ever happened to me.


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