# And so it begins .....



## Mr.Married

Today is my first trip to bring my father for testing after receiving the kind of cancer news that no person wants to hear. It’s going to be a bad ride without much hope by my estimate. I figured a few of you have been down this road.

The question is: What were the things you are glad you did before quality of life was too far gone?


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## joannacroc

I'm so sorry to hear that. Probably if they have grandkids to have them spend lots of time with the person so they can have memories to hold onto when they're gone, and so the person you love knows they have people in their life who love them. We spent a lot of time with my grandma when we knew she was far gone. She couldn't remember a lot day to day but she knew she was with someone who loved her. If they love the water, maybe take them to the coast to smell salt, hear the waves, dip their toes in the ocean. Or whatever travel thing they love. 

We used to treat my grandma to the things she loved to eat like chocolate pastries that we knew maybe weren't so good for her because we knew her time as limited, and at that point it was kind of moot whether she had it or not - it gave her pleasure. She liked gardening so we'd take her to the park, or for walks in her wheelchair to see the flowers when she couldn't walk.


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## Affaircare

Mr.Married said:


> The question is: What were the things you are glad you did before quality of life was too far gone?


The summer before my Dear Hubby passed away, we took a driving trip down to San Juan Capistrano, CA. We rented a fancy GMC SUV that was luxurious (compared to our 1991 Nissan Pathfinder), and we drove along the coast until we got tired, then found a nice middle-of-the-road hotel room and went out to dinner. It took us almost a week to get down there. Then, in San Juan Capistrano, we stayed in a pretty fancy hotel, actually, about a block from the ocean. We either laid by the pool or walked to the ocean...we ate fish tacos in blue corn tortillas...we went dancing one night at the hotel bar...we rented room service and ate all the candy in the mini-bar in the room! In the end the bill was almost a mortgage payment for us, but it was worth it! Then on the way home, we drove through Joshua Tree National Park, Death Valley, and up to Krater Lake. We had ALWAYS wanted to go to those places, and we just went. Literally each place was an unbelievable memory, and to this day I have stories to tell of how wonderful it was. 

We got back from that trip at the end of July, and he passed in September, so it was our last hurrah. I didn't specifically know it would be, but I did know we would never be able to do something like that again. It was our one shot to do what we had always dreamed of, and it was an expensive trip (for us)...but it was SO WORTH IT that I would not trade it for anything. The entire time we were gone, Dear Hubby was ecstatic with joy-- having fun and enjoying the ride, the views and the travel. He probably took a thousand photos, and we talked to each other the whole way.

I'm not sure if your father is a traveler, but whatever it is that he has always kind of wished he could do...just do it. I mean, I get it...you may not be able to afford "a trip to Europe" right now or that kind of thing...but if he's always wanted to "drive down the coast" or "go to the Redwoods" or even just sit on the bed and eat a bag of candy while watching a movie, just do it. Invite the whole freaking family over for a family reunion and hire a cleaning crew to clean up afterward, just do it. You won't regret it.


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## Tasorundo

I am sorry you are in this situation and hope that maybe the news is not as bad as feared.

I think that type of question is going to be very personal, and unique for each person. What kind of things did you father like to do?

Are you looking to do something for him?


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## ConanHub

Mr.Married said:


> Today is my first trip to bring my father for testing after receiving the kind of cancer news that no person wants to hear. It’s going to be a bad ride without much hope by my estimate. I figured a few of you have been down this road.
> 
> The question is: What were the things you are glad you did before quality of life was too far gone?


Making sure to have them included in everyday events, Family picnics, get togethers, weddings and birthdays, having the children laughing and playing and even getting scolded, hearing family laughing, joking and bantering together.

That is life and it should be savored.

I'm sorry.


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## happyhusband0005

Mr.Married said:


> Today is my first trip to bring my father for testing after receiving the kind of cancer news that no person wants to hear. It’s going to be a bad ride without much hope by my estimate. I figured a few of you have been down this road.
> 
> The question is: What were the things you are glad you did before quality of life was too far gone?


Man, it sucks. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 3B lung cancer, had surgery to remove part of a lung, went through chemo and radiation. They thought they got it all but a few months after a clear PET scan we rushed him to the hospital thinking he was having a stroke only to find out the cancer was in his brain. More aggressive treatments including removal of one tumor through traditional surgery and killing the other one with Gamma knife surgery (focused radiation). After that they did whole brain radiation only to be double certain they killed the cancer. This was overly aggressive and they do not do that now because basically the cooked his brain and he was never the same, his coordination was shot he seemed really depressed but basically he had serious brain trauma from the radiation. He lasted another year or so before passing away after seriously hurting himself, breaking multiple ribs in a fall, he never left the rehab hospital. 

I think the biggest thing most people end up wishing they had was just more time with their parent. Losing my father was strange in many ways. It was a slow down hill ride and his change in personality made it a situation where we lost him long before he actually died. So his death wasn't a huge shock and didn't have a major impact on me at the time. It was later on when things in life would happen that typically he would be the first person I would think to tell about or ask advice on, and he wasn't there. 

So really just spending time, talking, leaving nothing unsaid. Cancer is awful and the grind of treatment and the fight can tend to take over and just spending quality time is lost. Try and steal as much quality time as possible, stay positive but take nothing for granted.


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## manfromlamancha

Really sorry that you are in this situation - I have been there more than once unfortunately (mother, father, in laws, godfather).

Leave nothing unsaid (there can never be too many "I love you's").
Make a list and ask all the questions that only he can answer.
Spend time with him (as you all know time is the most valuable commodity we have).
Remind him all the time in subtle ways of the great legacy he has created and how proud you are to be part of it (without becoming morbid or talking about dying) - this is to reassure him that he will never be forgotten.
Finally, ask him (everyday) what he would like to do.


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## Mr.Married

happyhusband0005 said:


> Man, it sucks. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 3B lung cancer, had surgery to remove part of a lung, went through chemo and radiation. They thought they got it all but a few months after a clear PET scan we rushed him to the hospital thinking he was having a stroke only to find out the cancer was in his brain. More aggressive treatments including removal of one tumor through traditional surgery and killing the other one with Gamma knife surgery (focused radiation). After that they did whole brain radiation only to be double certain they killed the cancer. This was overly aggressive and they do not do that now because basically the cooked his brain and he was never the same, his coordination was shot he seemed really depressed but basically he had serious brain trauma from the radiation. He lasted another year or so before passing away after seriously hurting himself, breaking multiple ribs in a fall, he never left the rehab hospital.
> 
> I think the biggest thing most people end up wishing they had was just more time with their parent. Losing my father was strange in many ways. It was a slow down hill ride and his change in personality made it a situation where we lost him long before he actually died. So his death wasn't a huge shock and didn't have a major impact on me at the time. It was later on when things in life would happen that typically he would be the first person I would think to tell about or ask advice on, and he wasn't there.
> 
> So really just spending time, talking, leaving nothing unsaid. Cancer is awful and the grind of treatment and the fight can tend to take over and just spending quality time is lost. Try and steal as much quality time as possible, stay positive but take nothing for granted.


Thank you for responding. Your description is exactly what I believe is coming.


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## Mr.Married

Affaircare said:


> The summer before my Dear Hubby passed away, we took a driving trip down to San Juan Capistrano, CA. We rented a fancy GMC SUV that was luxurious (compared to our 1991 Nissan Pathfinder), and we drove along the coast until we got tired, then found a nice middle-of-the-road hotel room and went out to dinner. It took us almost a week to get down there. Then, in San Juan Capistrano, we stayed in a pretty fancy hotel, actually, about a block from the ocean. We either laid by the pool or walked to the ocean...we ate fish tacos in blue corn tortillas...we went dancing one night at the hotel bar...we rented room service and ate all the candy in the mini-bar in the room! In the end the bill was almost a mortgage payment for us, but it was worth it! Then on the way home, we drove through Joshua Tree National Park, Death Valley, and up to Krater Lake. We had ALWAYS wanted to go to those places, and we just went. Literally each place was an unbelievable memory, and to this day I have stories to tell of how wonderful it was.
> 
> We got back from that trip at the end of July, and he passed in September, so it was our last hurrah. I didn't specifically know it would be, but I did know we would never be able to do something like that again. It was our one shot to do what we had always dreamed of, and it was an expensive trip (for us)...but it was SO WORTH IT that I would not trade it for anything. The entire time we were gone, Dear Hubby was ecstatic with joy-- having fun and enjoying the ride, the views and the travel. He probably took a thousand photos, and we talked to each other the whole way.
> 
> I'm not sure if your father is a traveler, but whatever it is that he has always kind of wished he could do...just do it. I mean, I get it...you may not be able to afford "a trip to Europe" right now or that kind of thing...but if he's always wanted to "drive down the coast" or "go to the Redwoods" or even just sit on the bed and eat a bag of candy while watching a movie, just do it. Invite the whole freaking family over for a family reunion and hire a cleaning crew to clean up afterward, just do it. You won't regret it.


That’s the best story ever!! That’s the way to do it for sure !


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## Mr.Married

Tasorundo said:


> I am sorry you are in this situation and hope that maybe the news is not as bad as feared.
> 
> I think that type of question is going to be very personal, and unique for each person. What kind of things did you father like to do?
> 
> Are you looking to do something for him?


Thanks for responding. I’m not really looking for anything in particular... just thought some of y’all would have some good ideas. He’s already lived a full life filled with world travel. He’s more of a fishing type guy.


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## Tasorundo

Mr.Married said:


> Thanks for responding. I’m not really looking for anything in particular... just thought some of y’all would have some good ideas. He’s already lived a full life filled with world travel. He’s more of a fishing type guy.


Is there anywhere he has talked about fishing, or a certain type of fish? Some friends of mine are big into fishing and I went with them to a viewing of a collection of fishing documentaries (it was fun because of who we were with, but not really my thing). Anyway, there were a lot of neat stories, places, and fish that made for interesting movies and adventures.


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## rockon

Affaircare said:


> The summer before my Dear Hubby passed away, we took a driving trip down to San Juan Capistrano, CA. We rented a fancy GMC SUV that was luxurious (compared to our 1991 Nissan Pathfinder), and we drove along the coast until we got tired, then found a nice middle-of-the-road hotel room and went out to dinner. It took us almost a week to get down there. Then, in San Juan Capistrano, we stayed in a pretty fancy hotel, actually, about a block from the ocean. We either laid by the pool or walked to the ocean...we ate fish tacos in blue corn tortillas...we went dancing one night at the hotel bar...we rented room service and ate all the candy in the mini-bar in the room! In the end the bill was almost a mortgage payment for us, but it was worth it! Then on the way home, we drove through Joshua Tree National Park, Death Valley, and up to Krater Lake. We had ALWAYS wanted to go to those places, and we just went. Literally each place was an unbelievable memory, and to this day I have stories to tell of how wonderful it was.
> 
> We got back from that trip at the end of July, and he passed in September, so it was our last hurrah. I didn't specifically know it would be, but I did know we would never be able to do something like that again. It was our one shot to do what we had always dreamed of, and it was an expensive trip (for us)...but it was SO WORTH IT that I would not trade it for anything. The entire time we were gone, Dear Hubby was ecstatic with joy-- having fun and enjoying the ride, the views and the travel. He probably took a thousand photos, and we talked to each other the whole way.
> 
> I'm not sure if your father is a traveler, but whatever it is that he has always kind of wished he could do...just do it. I mean, I get it...you may not be able to afford "a trip to Europe" right now or that kind of thing...but if he's always wanted to "drive down the coast" or "go to the Redwoods" or even just sit on the bed and eat a bag of candy while watching a movie, just do it. Invite the whole freaking family over for a family reunion and hire a cleaning crew to clean up afterward, just do it. You won't regret it.


I'm not afraid to say this, your story brought a tear to my eye.


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## happyhusband0005

Mr.Married said:


> Thank you for responding. Your description is exactly what I believe is coming.


I will say as horrible as the surgeries and treatments were, the reality of a difficult prognosis brought us much closer. My father was not one to express emotions at all. But I remember sitting in his hospital room after his first lung surgery and he was telling me how good of a father he thought I was and how much he regretted not being able to be more present when we were kids and things of that nature, and I got to tell him how I thought he had it all wrong and in fact he was much more present than he seems to remember and reminded him about him coaching my baseball team and being my Boy Scout troop leader and so many other things. These moments are the blessings that come from tragedy. When my father passed we had the opportunity to be there with him, it is a surreal experience. It was a moment we (myself my mom and my sisters) had plenty of time to mentally prepare for. What I was not in any way prepared for was the fact that my grandfather was also there with us. Losing a parent is one thing, but throughout the battle it never even registered that my grandfather was watching his child go through it. And witnessing the excruciating pain my 90 YO grandfather was in watching his oldest son die was not something I was at all prepared for. Even thinking about it rips me up till this day, it was hands down the most visceral display of agony I have ever witnessed. But it was also vibrant reminder that being a parent is a lifelong thing, even when I'm 90 and my kids are 60 they will still be my children, and it made my father trying to play things down and act like all this was no big deal was him trying to protect us, because he saw that as still his job as our dad.


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## cp3o

The fact that you, and your father's, situation is not uncommon in no way diminishes the awfulness of it. You both have my commiserations.

I've never fancied fishing - driving is one of my pleasures. I'm good at it - or at least the training I received years ago gives me no excuse for not being so - and I enjoy doing what I'm good at.

As to ideas - I'm fortunate in that my cancer is of the prostate. No symptoms but a good-listener doctor heard about my family history and suggested I get a precautionary blood-test. The subsequent tests said Stage 4 - but only just. That was seven years ago and, knowing that I had several years I just upped the holidays, took on an allotment (very calming) and turned up on time for my 12 weekly implants.

Last November it became necessary to start chemotherapy. I'm still fit and able (better than most 73 year olds) but it was a sobering event. When asked the oncology consultant replied "we tell people in your position 1-3 years" Later - when, over the 'phone, the nurse got to the question "can you still get upstairs?" the answer was "yes - and as many times a day as I want" A minute later "can you still drive?" That was brought it home. A few days later I came home in the driving seat of a (used) bright red GT86. And every day I can find an excuse I take it out - it makes me feel good just to see it outside my home!

I'm also planning to meet up with an old friend as soon as the Covid-19 situation allows - we've 20+ years to catch up on.

And that is all I can offer - talk to him about what he wants to do, abilities he feels proud off, things that make him feel good and, as far as you can, facilitate his wishes without hesitation or criticism. Not only will you help him but, I hope, it will slightly ease the pain when/if you lose him.

You both have my best wishes.


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## Casual Observer

This one hits home hard. My dad passed away way too young, not quite making it to his 57th birthday. It was over 31 years ago now I think? And me, I'll be 65 in a couple of week, and every year since I turned 57, I've been thinking, this is a year my dad never saw. And yet, I still encounter situations all the time where I wish I could talk with my dad, ask him about this or that.

So the obvious thing is, whatever questions you might have had, things you would have wanted to know that your dad has to be around to ask...ask them. Seems like "duh" but it's not. I was lucky, so are you I guess, we had 6 months warning of the end. And I was pretty good at asking those questions. 

OK, here's something. Something I picked up on when my almost-103-year-old Grandmother died (the longevity genes are on my mom's side of the family, not my dads!). Ask your dad, during what you think might be the last few weeks, about his dreams. You may be really surprised how lucid they are, and what they encompass. My Grandmother dreamed of her childhood, so many wonderful things (and earlier in life she didn't claim to much of a wonderful childhood, by the way!). Maybe, when we know we're going to go, God tries to protect us, to help us on our way, and dreams are the venue.


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## frusdil

I'm so sorry to hear this news, I've been there with my own Dad, who we lost far too young - he was only 63. We were all so ripped off, him, us, everyone.

From my experience, the only thing Dad wanted at the end was his family around him. Especially Mum. We talked, said things we felt needed to be said, reminisced about old times, it was incredibly emotional and I still tear up remembering it. 

But that's my Dad - yours may have different wants, or things he still wants to do, and they may be things that will surprise you.



happyhusband0005 said:


> What I was not in any way prepared for was the fact that my grandfather was also there with us. Losing a parent is one thing, but throughout the battle it never even registered that my grandfather was watching his child go through it. And witnessing the excruciating pain my 90 YO grandfather was in watching his oldest son die was not something I was at all prepared for. Even thinking about it rips me up till this day, it was hands down the most visceral display of agony I have ever witnessed. But it was also vibrant reminder that being a parent is a lifelong thing, even when I'm 90 and my kids are 60 they will still be my children, and it made my father trying to play things down and act like all this was no big deal was him trying to protect us, because he saw that as still his job as our dad.


That is absolutely heartbreaking. I remember thinking when my dad was dying that I was glad Grandma and Grandpa weren't here to watch him go through that. Their baby, their first born. It would have broken them.


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## Casual Observer

happyhusband0005 said:


> But I remember sitting in his hospital room after his first lung surgery and he was telling me how good of a father he thought I was and how much he regretted not being able to be more present when we were kids and things of that nature, and I got to tell him how I thought he had it all wrong and in fact he was much more present than he seems to remember and reminded him about him coaching my baseball team and being my Boy Scout troop leader and so many other things. These moments are the blessings that come from tragedy.


It is so hard reading this. It's like you were there when my dad died. This is likely a common thing, a reminder that our parents need us to let them know hey, they did good. They probably focus on their failures, little things that stick with them, but that's not how their children see it. This is a reminder that we shouldn't wait until someone we love is dying to tell them how much they mean to us, how much they influenced us, how much they made us a better person. Because they might not be around to hear it, if we wait.


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## pastasauce79

I'm sorry for what you are going through. 

My father was diagnosed with stage 1 lymphoma of the nose. It was an aggressive cancer and it required an aggressive treatment, even at stage 1.

He survived and he's been in remission for the past 3 years. But the treatment was extremely aggressive. It left him looking almost like a Holocaust survivor, which was absolutely devastating for us. I don't even know how much weight he lost. His doctors were worried about the cancer spreading to his brain. 

My sister and I live in a different country. My only brother was there for when my dad needed it, but it was mostly my dad driving himself to the hospital, getting admitted for a week to receive his chemo treatment and then driving himself home after the treatment. He didn't want any help! He is a very proud and stubborn man. He wasn't going to let us see him crumble. We had to let him be. 

For me his diagnosis and treatment was hard. I didn't know how much love, and resentment I had towards him. It was definitely a learning and growing experience for all of us. 

My dad is good for now. He's back to being himself, he's gained weight. I appreciate him, I understand him better and I cherish the moments I can share with him because I really don't know what the future holds for any of us. 

The hardest part for me was seeing my strong patriarchal father as a vulnerable and weak man. He asked for forgiveness, which I thought it would never happen! At the same time, his stubborness was a big factor in his healing process. 

We all know our parents are going to die one day, but are we really prepared to face that reality? I wasn't prepared, and it hit me really hard. 

My only advice is to cherish every moment you have with your dad. Make memories and record those memories. They are going to warm up your heart later.


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## In Absentia

My father died of lung cancer 4 years ago. He lasted 3 months after diagnosis. I missed his passing because I didn't make it back on time (I was in another country). Unfortunately, my mother insisted he shouldn't be told of the gravity of his condition, so he didn't really get to say goodbye or do anything he liked. He deteriorated very quickly at the end. I was totally against this, but there you go.


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## LisaDiane

happyhusband0005 said:


> I will say as horrible as the surgeries and treatments were, the reality of a difficult prognosis brought us much closer. My father was not one to express emotions at all. But I remember sitting in his hospital room after his first lung surgery and he was telling me how good of a father he thought I was and how much he regretted not being able to be more present when we were kids and things of that nature, and I got to tell him how I thought he had it all wrong and in fact he was much more present than he seems to remember and reminded him about him coaching my baseball team and being my Boy Scout troop leader and so many other things. These moments are the blessings that come from tragedy. When my father passed we had the opportunity to be there with him, it is a surreal experience. It was a moment we (myself my mom and my sisters) had plenty of time to mentally prepare for. What I was not in any way prepared for was the fact that my grandfather was also there with us. Losing a parent is one thing, but throughout the battle it never even registered that my grandfather was watching his child go through it. And witnessing the excruciating pain my 90 YO grandfather was in watching his oldest son die was not something I was at all prepared for. Even thinking about it rips me up till this day, it was hands down the most visceral display of agony I have ever witnessed. But it was also vibrant reminder that being a parent is a lifelong thing, even when I'm 90 and my kids are 60 they will still be my children, and it made my father trying to play things down and act like all this was no big deal was him trying to protect us, because he saw that as still his job as our dad.


This is brutally painful to read...I'm SO sorry you went through this!!!!!


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## Mr.Married

LisaDiane said:


> This is brutally painful to read...I'm SO sorry you went through this!!!!!


Yes it does sound terrible 😞


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## happyhusband0005

LisaDiane said:


> This is brutally painful to read...I'm SO sorry you went through this!!!!!


It was rough to watch my grandfather go through it but it was a strong reminder that your kids are your kids whether they're 6 or 60.


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## happyhusband0005

Mr.Married said:


> Yes it does sound terrible 😞


I think a part of my grandfathers profound grief came from the fact there was definitely a good amount left unsaid between them. My grandparents basically disowned my father for moving across the country for college. They repaired things to a degree over time and had a decent relationship later in life but I know there was probably a lot my grandfather probably wished he had said. That is a good lesson for us all, you never know when the opportunity to say what you want to say will be gone.


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