# Spouse obtained divorce/family lawyer behind my back



## WOS

I need urgent advice! I’m pretty sure my spouse retained a lawyer (saw a payment made to divorce & family lawyers). My spouse is currently abroad for an extended time period and things have not been great. Nevertheless, this is still a shock!!

What should I do? My spouse does not know I know.


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## Evinrude58

It’s simple. Ask your wife what is going on. If she’s hired a lawyer, the only thing left to do is hire your own. I see no reason why you shouldn’t just ask her.


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## Benbutton

Go hire your own attorney, don't sit around and wait to be served. Start the process asap and follow their advice.


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## WOS

Thank you both for your quick replies, I will go seek advise myself. Are there documents I should get ready? Since my spouse did not inform me I thought there might be some benefit to surprise serving the other person. It made me wonder if I needed to do something similar, ugh. That was my initial (shock) thinking though, I don’t want to play games like that. I’m just so shocked, we have children together.


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## Married but Happy

Check all your financial accounts and credit cards, and print out current statements. Document any unusual expenses she incurred. Remove her from any credit cards that are in your name, take half of all joint funds and put them in an account in your name only, change any of your direct deposits to that account, put a hold on any home equity loan accounts or similar that she can access, and while doing this get a lawyer and see him/her ASAP.


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## Trident

Was the payment a few hundred or a few thousand dollars?

Could be nothing more than a consultation to get options, versus a retainer in preparation for a divorce filing.

There is a slight advantage to being the first to file but it's not a huge issue if you are the one served.

Unless it's pursuant to a restraining order that gets you booted out of your house.


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> Thank you both for your quick replies, I will go seek advise myself. Are there documents I should get ready? Since my spouse did not inform me I thought there might be some benefit to surprise serving the other person. It made me wonder if I needed to do something similar, ugh. That was my initial (shock) thinking though, I don’t want to play games like that. I’m just so shocked, we have children together.


Bank statement with dates

Mortgage balance or appraisal.

All marital debts

Also make sure your attorney documents her attorney fees and makes sure that is a debt she will need to pay, not you.

Question, since I don't know your backstory, did she cheat on you? Has there been talk of divorce/separation? What problems are there?


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## WOS

Backstory: I am actually a female and my husband works abroad (dream position for him). After about 2/3 months he came back for a visit and I found out he had lied about something big. Since then things have been strained and he’s expressed that things, for him, had become beyond repair. Since he caused the strain/fight I think he was discontent before that and used it as an excuse. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he s cheating (the change was so sudden!), but thus far I have no evidence of that. This happened 2/3 months ago.


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## WOS

Oh and the fee was in the thousands so it wasn’t just a consultation.


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> Backstory: I am actually a female and my husband works abroad (dream position for him). After about 2/3 months he came back for a visit and I found out he had lied about something big. Since then things have been strained and he’s expressed that things, for him, had become beyond repair. Since he caused the strain/fight I think he was discontent before that and used it as an excuse. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he s cheating (the change was so sudden!), but thus far I have no evidence of that. This happened 2/3 months ago.


Sorry, someone mentioned your "wife", so I assumed.

Please, protect yourself. NOBODY pays a lawyer behind their spouse's back unless its against their spouse. Get an attorney, get your ducks lined up and blindside him.


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> Oh and the fee was in the thousands so it wasn’t just a consultation.


Make sure your attorney knows that has to be paid back to the marital assets/funds. Your half of the marital assets shouldn't be reduced because his lawyer fees have already been paid.


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## WOS

I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


Thats a tough one. On one hand you want to be sure what's going on. But on the other hand you don't want him to know you are on to him so you can get your ducks in a row.

Anyone else in the forum have an opinion on that?


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## jlg07

What is his motivation? To hit you with a HUGE surprise and get you off balance so that he has the upper hand.
Many times folks who get blindsided don't take active steps to protect themselves, make sure they get all the financials that they should, the custody/child care, etc. Folks who are blindsided don't think logically -- they get emotional and then can't get good plans together.

Sure ask him what his intentions are -- this WILL let him know that you are aware and are prepared to fight him if necessary. BUT it WILL let HIM know you are aware which may push his plans quicker. Give yourself time first to get with a lawyer or two to get YOUR plan solidified.


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## WOS

Just googled divorce lawyers and the first firm I see is the one he retained. They do military law (which is probably why he selected it). Would it be helpful to seek out a lawyer within the same firm? (Due to military law expertise) Or do firms not do that?


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> Just googled divorce lawyers and the first firm I see is the one he retained. They do military law (which is probably why he selected it). Would it be helpful to seek out a lawyer within the same firm? (Due to military law expertise) Or do firms not do that?


A lawyer in the same firm will not or likely cannot take your case. I may be wrong, but it would be a conflict of interest and his hiring of a lawyer in a firm pretty much retains him at the firm itself.

Talk to people you know that might have experience. You need to find an attorney with a reputation for being a bulldog that goes for the throat.


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## WOS

I understand what you’re saying, it’s just so sad it has to be like this. We have a child with special needs and because of that we will likely have to be in each other’s lives forever. I was hoping for a good co parenting relationship, if anything.


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## drencrom

WOS said:


> I understand what you’re saying, it’s just so sad it has to be like this. We have a child with special needs and because of that we will likely have to be in each other’s lives forever. I was hoping for a good co parenting relationship, if anything.


I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. And I don't understand any man, or woman, that wants to put a child's life in turmoil. 

Start with researching attorneys. Maybe find a site where people in your area suggest attorneys, etc., if any such site exists.


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## Talker67

WOS said:


> I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


i would get my ducks in line first.
get the documents, move monies around so he can not drain stuff from overseas (maybe someone more experienced can chime in on how MUCH of the family money you can squirrel away before the courts take a dim view of it).

Filing first might have the advantage of the jurisdiction being set here in the USA (i assume you are living here now), where the laws might be better.


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## Tdbo

drencrom said:


> Thats a tough one. On one hand you want to be sure what's going on. But on the other hand you don't want him to know you are on to him so you can get your ducks in a row.
> 
> Anyone else in the forum have an opinion on that?


I'd say that if he is being secretive with her, she needs to go at him full tilt.
Find an excellent divorce attorney. Hire a shark.


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## Diana7

I would ask him. Is this job away permanent? If it is it's hard to see how he will be able to really co parent apart from the occasional visit.


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## WOS

The job away is not permanent.


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## Marc878

WOS said:


> I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


You already know his intentions. Get a good attorney. You probably should get 3 consultations. Ask for Free one. Pick the best one.
*Go online and review your phone bill. That’s an easy place to look for a clue.*


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## EleGirl

WOS said:


> Just googled divorce lawyers and the first firm I see is the one he retained. They do military law (which is probably why he selected it). Would it be helpful to seek out a lawyer within the same firm? (Due to military law expertise) Or do firms not do that?


Is your husband active military or retired?


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## WOS

Active. Thanks, everyone for the practical advice. I am wrecked but will search for a lawyer, and gather paperwork, tomorrow.


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## Casual Observer

WOS said:


> I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


What's the reason you wouldn't question a spouse about their apparent plan to exit the marriage? The only reason to delay would be if you believe you can have an advantage... which you could... if you act quickly. Talk with an attorney and find out what legal ways you have to tie up assets so he can't drain them, ESPECIALLY since he spends time overseas. He could drain your accounts, create debt you'd be obligated to pay, while living outside the country and perhaps not planning to come back.


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## Casual Observer

WOS said:


> I understand what you’re saying, it’s just so sad it has to be like this. We have a child with special needs and because of that we will likely have to be in each other’s lives forever. I was hoping for a good co parenting relationship, if anything.


How long have you been married? How old is your child? How long have you been together? Do you work? Do you own a home together? What are your finances like, in general?


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## Mr.Married

The questions you are asking us are the ones you need to ask a lawyer. We are not professionals.
If it were me I’d simply call him up and ask ... no blow up ... no screaming... just a matter of fact conversation.


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## drencrom

@WOS If you don't want to say, I understand, but if you could tell us what city/town you live in, maybe we can help you search for a bulldog attorney.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

WOS said:


> Thank you both for your quick replies, I will go seek advise myself. Are there documents I should get ready? Since my spouse did not inform me I thought there might be some benefit to surprise serving the other person. It made me wonder if I needed to do something similar, ugh. That was my initial (shock) thinking though, I don’t want to play games like that. I’m just so shocked, we have children together.


You might serve him first. That may be your best option to have a sliver of possibility to save the M, if you want to.
Freaking out and pleading with him will have the opposite effect.


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## Mr.Married

Edit .... doesn’t apply


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mr.Married said:


> The OP is the wife.


I changed, the gender references, I do see in her post #8 where OP adds that. 🙂 same answers apply of course.


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## Mr.Married

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I changed, the gender references, I do see in her post #8 where OP adds that. 🙂 same answers apply of course.


I thought maybe you were practicing gender neutrality 🤣🤣🤣


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mr.Married said:


> I thought maybe you were practicing gender neutrality 🤣🤣🤣


🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Gabriel

Seems quite obvious he is planning a divorce and paid a hefty retainer to get things moving. He's even basically told you things are over.

I'd think the money for HIS attorney should come from HIS money, though, not a joint account.


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## Livvie

Gabriel said:


> Seems quite obvious he is planning a divorce and paid a hefty retainer to get things moving. He's even basically told you things are over.
> 
> I'd think the money for HIS attorney should come from HIS money, though, not a joint account.


What?

I'm betting his whole paycheck goes into the joint account, if so it IS his money.


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## Trident

Livvie said:


> I'm betting his whole paycheck goes into the joint account, if so it IS his money.


It's THEIR money.


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## Livvie

Trident said:


> It's THEIR money.


Yeah. Meaning it would also be his money. Please read the post I wrote that in response to 🤔.

Someone suggested he shouldn't use that money to pay an attorney but if that's the _only account his paycheck goes into_, that IS his money.


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## Evinrude58

Might as well bite the bullet and ask him OP. I would definitely start monitoring the bank accounts and such as you’ve already been advised.


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## Gabriel

Livvie said:


> Yeah. Meaning it would also be his money. Please read the post I wrote that in response to 🤔.
> 
> Someone suggested he shouldn't use that money to pay an attorney but if that's the _only account his paycheck goes into_, that IS his money.


If she isn't working, then I would agree. If she is working, I'd separate my finances, yesterday.


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## Evinrude58

It so kinda really strange that OP’s man us working overseas and they do t even talk. Especially can’t even talk when he just doesn’t thousands on an attorney. Damn. Get some communication OP! He’s still your husband for a little while at least. If you don’t ever talk to him, why would he want to be married to you?


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## Young at Heart

I agree with Evinrude58. The OP really needs to call and talk to her husband to find out what is going on. Typically in most things, speculating only makes things worse than they really are.




WOS said:


> Active. Thanks, everyone for the practical advice. I am wrecked but will search for a lawyer, and gather paperwork, tomorrow.


That the payment is for thousand and not hundreds in legal fees is indicative of some serious attorney research and advising. It is totally reasonable to ask what your spouse spent all that money on, especially on a military salary. After all since the two of you are married it is also your money and the money used to provide for your children.

The military has programs to help spouses of deployed service members, as it is important for morale. You might start with talking to either a local military chaplain or one assigned to his unit.

You might also want to spend some time thinking about if you want to try to reconcile your marriage depending on his attitude, and anything he may have done. If you do want to give reconciliation a chance, ask the Chaplain if there are any marriage counseling programs available to you. I would tell him, that you don't yet know what is going on, but you just needed to reach out to someone before you know what this is all about. Also ask the Chaplain if there are any individual counseling programs available to you through the service or any support agencies.

Good luck to you.

Then we you find out from you H why he spent all that money, you will have some options.


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## Diana7

Gabriel said:


> If she isn't working, then I would agree. If she is working, I'd separate my finances, yesterday.


Regardless of whether she is working it's still joint money.


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## TurnedTurtle

Young at Heart said:


> That the payment is for thousand and not hundreds in legal fees is indicative of some serious attorney research and advising.


The expenditure is probably for a retainer to cover future services, rather than payment for completed services. All the lawyers I talked to regarding my pending divorce wanted $5K upfront (after the initial consulation) ....




Young at Heart said:


> It is totally reasonable to ask what your spouse spent all that money on, .... since the two of you are married it is also your money and the money used to provide for your children.


Agreed -- if it is a joint account, the funds belong to both of you, so it would be perfectly reasonable to ask what the expenditure was for.


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## Beach123

WOS said:


> I’m just shocked he’s doing this. Should I ask him what his intentions are? What could his motivation be to do it like this? (Without my involvement)


What the the big thing he lied about?


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## Beach123

It’s possible he got someone else pregnant and retaining an attorney for parental rights.

But if you think he is cheating - have you checked his phone bill yet?


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