# I need a mans point of view! Help me understand...is he stringing me along?!



## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

My BF & I have been together for 9 years (we are both 28) & we live together (6 yrs). We have been through a lot (family issues, moving 4 hours from our hometown to further pursue our careers, him going to back to college while I supported both of us, illnesses, etc) and are extremely close. We share finances & rent an apartment together. We don't split things 50/50 or anything. We share bank account & our each others co-signers on loans, credit cards, etc. He is a writer & is focusing on that right now - which means we mainly live on my income. Our relationship is GREAT. We don't fight a lot, are very respectful of each other, he takes me on sweet dates, takes care of the home since I work a lot, and keeps up his end of the relationship. I love him with my whole heart & can’t see myself with anyone else but I have made it VERY clear from the day we started dating that marriage & children were something that I wanted, eventually. I told him this early on, and explained that if this wasn't something that he wanted that he needed to let me know. He agreed that marriage & children were very important to him.
9 years into our relationship & now into our late 20's, I want to have that "eventually" to be NOW, so that in our 30's we can start having kids. I have told him this. We started "ring shopping" 6 (SIX!!) years ago. We always seem to go ring shopping on/near our anniversary or around other holidays (his idea, not mine - which this year, if he brings that up, I am refusing to go look at something that I have looked at a million times & have already picked out). He talks about what he wants for a wedding, etc. BUT whenever I bring up getting engaged or going to the courthouse to get married, he gets upset. Telling me that I need to stop worrying about it. Now, lets be honest - I will be paying for a majority of my ring - which is only $500 & I am OK with this. I would also be taking care of a majority of our wedding (just going to the courthouse is fine with me). Again, I am OKAY WITH THIS. I don't really think that he has to "bring home the bacon" or be the main supporter of our household. Realistically, his career as writer, could take another 10-15 years to "take off" - where he could be making a steady income. I have tried asking for a timeline, and he refuses to give me one. He tells me that he can't tell me when the day will come that it will be time to get married. I am just confused, as I am pretty much his wife (and he doesn't correct people when they call me his wife). He tells me that I need to get over being obsessed with weddings and marriage. 
I am just wondering why he does this to me? He knows that I want a marriage (which we practically have - so why not go to the court house & make this legal?) Why take me to look at rings for 6 flipping years? His he just stringing me along? We are planning on making a huge cross country move in the fall & my father has expressed his concern about this. Thoughts? Am I being too pushy? Even after 9 yrs?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Propose to him.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

marduk said:


> Propose to him.


That has been mentioned before, and he quickly shot that down, and said that it is the one thing that he gets to decide and do & that he wants it to be his responsiblity. 

I personally think that a marriage is a decision that 2 people make together, and this is my future as well, and that he needs to give me some sort of indication that we are on the same page. 

I just can't figure it out. Everyone tells me that if he wants to be with me then he will just do this for me. That if a man wants to marry a woman, then they marry her - they propose and they marry her - and they don't draw it out like this.

I have tried everything & I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I have tried not talking about it - and even changing the subject when marriage gets brought up. I have tried to focus only on myself, get involved in hobbies, go to the gym and go out with friends more. I had a friend tell me that he isn't afraid of losing me & that is why he hasn't proposed...she said that I need to pack up my stuff and leave to scare him - but I just can't do that, I would be heartbroken if he did that to me.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
First, think about why YOU want to be married. What difference will marriage make to your life. 

Then sit down and talk to him. Find out why he doesn't want to be married NOW. what difference does he think marriage will make to your lives. Surely the ring isn't the issue - and you don't actually need a ring to be married anyway.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, he is stringing you along. I can't tell you why, but it sounds like he loves things the way they are. You pay the bills and he has little responsibility.

You have to decide if you can live with the uncertainty or do you need to move on.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm not a man, but I'm chiming in anyway.  He's enjoying being supported by you. Why would he change that? 

More concerning to me, though, is that you are eachother's co-signors on your financial stuff.

You can't unring the bell, but I wouldn't do that until I was married.

Because what will happen if you guys break up? Then what? Every time either of you don't pay your bills, the other, as co-signor, has to ante up the money. I would become bitter and resentful about that. And both of your credit would take a dive if a bill went unpaid.

Do you really want that for your future if this goes bust?

9 years is long enough. You guys need to sh*t or get off the pot.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

If he wanted to marry you and start a family he would have done it by now.

_Realistically, his career as writer, could take another 10-15 years to "take off" - where he could be making a steady income._

Or never.

Sounds like your boyfriend likes his life the way it is.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

I would like to state, that when I decided to go back to school and completely change my career, he did support me & paid my bills. Also, he does ask for permission to spend money/go out/etc. before doing so. And talks about how he can't stand that he isn't working more. He did have a job (not in the writing industry) for a while but was let go due to budget cuts. The reason we are each others co-signers, is because that no one else would ever help us out. He has an almost perfect credit score & I needed him to help me with student loans & rebuilding my credit.

His life didn't become like this until about 1.5 years ago...and before that he worked. I guess what I am saying is that I have been wondering this for a long time -- before his life became this "carefree". I guess I am just confused. I kept thinking that after he went back to school that things would happen. He even told my dad that he understood what "needed to happen", when my dad questioned him. 

The reason that marriage is important to me is because I want those rights as a couple. If something was to happen to either one of us, then I want to be the one who makes those decisions and I want him to make mine. I don't need a ring - or a big wedding. I just want to be his wife.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Pretend to be interested in another man. If he gets jealous that is a good sign, if not, he does not care much for a long term relationship and is likely only in it for convenience.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

For starters, he could be stringing you along. However, in my opinion, stringing along means 'making empty promises in the hopes you will stick around.' 

As a guy, if I was in a 9 year relationship and hadn't proposed.. it would be for several reasons. (1) I am scared as all hell to become a husband and father; or (2) Because the relationship is so comfortable and you seem happy, I am to lazy to actually go out of my way to get the ball rolling; or (3) I really do not want to marry you; however, because you support me and we've been together so long, I do not know what it would be like to be without you and I am worried that you might jump off a building or something and it will be all my fault for wasting your life away.

There may be other reasons but those stand out to me. It's safe to say that at this point, he doesn't give a flying f*ck about getting married to you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

princesspeachchi said:


> We don't split things 50/50 or anything.





princesspeachchi said:


> He is a writer & is focusing on that right now - which means we mainly live on my income.





princesspeachchi said:


> _he_ takes care of the home since I work a lot





princesspeachchi said:


> Now, lets be honest - I will be paying for a majority of my ring - which is only $500 & I am OK with this.





princesspeachchi said:


> I would also be taking care of a majority of our wedding (just going to the courthouse is fine with me). Again, I am OKAY WITH THIS.





princesspeachchi said:


> I don't really think that he has to "bring home the bacon" or be the main supporter of our household.





princesspeachchi said:


> Realistically, his career as writer, could take another 10-15 years to "take off" - where he could be making a steady income.


*


princesspeachchi said:



I need a mans point of view! Help me understand...is he stringing me along?!

Click to expand...

*What are you serious? YES. Of course you are being strung along. 9 years and no commitment?!? What the hell is the point of this relationship? 

Look, he has no intention of voluntarily marrying you. You're his MOM. Who would want to marry their mother? You give him shelter, food and take care of him. Why would he want to buy the cow when he's been getting the milk for free for nine years??? 

Now I said voluntarily because given the threat of losing his cozy little setup then yeah you could probably get him to cave. But do you REALLY want a guy to be with you because of that? It's a catch 22. He doesn't want to commit and if you force him to commit he'll resent you for it. 

My advice, dump him because he's obviously just using you. I know you "love" him but honestly ask yourself, "Do I LOVE him or am I really just a codependent person who can't be alone"? If you STILL want to be with him then accept him for who he is. Someone that will never commit and give up this notion he'll propose on his own because he actually WANTS to marry you. 

Those are your options... Good Luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

princesspeachchi said:


> That has been mentioned before, and he quickly shot that down, and said that it is the one thing that he gets to decide and do & that he wants it to be his responsiblity.
> 
> I personally think that a marriage is a decision that 2 people make together, and this is my future as well, and that he needs to give me some sort of indication that we are on the same page.
> 
> ...


If you want an answer, propose to him. 

Give him a week to say yes or no. 

Otherwise you're just letting him sit on the fence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Freeloader comes to mind. 

My W uncle has been stringing along his W for decades. Freeloads. Never having a job. Talk about kids that never happen. Eventually his W simply said she does not want a house husband. Get a job because he does little else. She was looking to leave him as well. She is of age now were kids are out of the question. Always at a baby show for someone else. Unfulfilled is a term I would use here.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

There are men who don't want to take the immense risk of being married in the current social and legal climate in the USA. I probably would never marry again if something happened to my wife, for that reason.

Maybe you should ask him if that's the issue.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This relationship needs a direction. Right now you love him and are increasingly perturbed by his procrastination, but soon you will be resentful.

Having a history of 9 years, with your explicit desire for marriage/kids, you have more than "earned" the right to expect him to put up or shut up. If all he does is try to throw it in your face and say you are henpecking him, then walk out. He knows the promise he made...and it is either he works out some very specific timelines and goals at this stage OR it is time to move on.

I suggest that you give him an ultimatum..."make up your mind by such and such day" (preferably in the summer, so you have time to make alternate arrangements) or he will be moving on his own this coming fall. And "making up his mind" means establishing a marriage commitment, a marriage date, and establishing plans conducive to a marriage and for family planning.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

In reality, you COULD have kids without the marriage license, but given the fact that he barely contributes financially, that would be a really dumb move at this point. 

You are in a no win, here. Time for him to put up or shut up.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Whether he is stringing you along or not, you won't know unless he asks. Or doesn't. 

The only thing you can KNOW is whether you would stay with him if he never asked you to marry, and if not, how long are you willing to wait to find out.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

princesspeachchi, I am a man, and you asked for manly viewpoints, presumably from manly men, which I also are.

The reason you are having trouble understanding what is (not) happening in your relationship is because you are asking the wrong question.

You are asking whether or not you are being strung along by your long term boyfriend.

The question you should be asking is WHY IS THIS GUY YOUR BOYFRIEND AT ALL?????

What you WANT is a man with enough character to do right by you. 

What you have is someone who gets petulant when you ask him to formalize his commitment to you.

Trust me- one quality you DO NOT WANT in your man is petulance.

It's nice that you support struggling writer-boy, financially and otherwise. And its really sweet that he does the dishes.

When you have a couple of kids, and find yourself supporting them, and writer-boy, and doing the dishes to boot because he is "exhausted from taking care of the kids all day," well, its not going to strike you as nearly as endearing as it does just now.

Look. You seem like a smart, fairly successful young lady. In many cases, I would advise you to take the decent guy you have, and start the next phase of your life, the one with rings and kids and gradual weight gain.

You don't got a decent guy.

After 9 years, if you don't know whether he's stringing you along or not, well, it doesn't really matter.

The best thing for you to do is go find yourself a better man.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

At the end of the day...you are not getting any younger. One day you will wake up and wonder where the time went with nothing you wanted fulfilled accomplished. Time to find one that wants to join the party.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So when this doesn't work out look me up...  Ok, seriously, yes he's stringing you along. He probably doesn't really feel like he is. He wants what you want but just not on the schedule you want. He'll get there around 40 when he's ready to "settle down" in his head. He will have been "settled down" the whole time but in his head that comes at some point down the road and it's not NOW. 
I would suggest dropping the issue for the next 9-12 months. Don't say a word about marriage, kids etc. If he mentions something simply say "it's in you hands and give him a kiss" and walk away. He might need time to feel unpressured and able to propose on his terms. If at the end of that time he hasn't come around drop him. Walk away and be prepared not to look back. If he then shows up at your door step on a knee with a ring, follow your gut. IF you accept, DO NOT move back in with him until you're a married woman.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

Shoto1984 said:


> So when this doesn't work out look me up...  Ok, seriously, yes he's stringing you along. He probably doesn't really feel like he is. He wants what you want but just not on the schedule you want. He'll get there around 40 when he's ready to "settle down" in his head. He will have been "settled down" the whole time but in his head that comes at some point down the road and it's not NOW.
> I would suggest dropping the issue for the next 9-12 months. Don't say a word about marriage, kids etc. If he mentions something simply say "it's in you hands and give him a kiss" and walk away. He might need time to feel unpressured and able to propose on his terms. If at the end of that time he hasn't come around drop him. Walk away and be prepared not to look back. If he then shows up at your door step on a knee with a ring, follow your gut. IF you accept, DO NOT move back in with him until you're a married woman.


I'm not totally sure I agree with this, because it sounds like what she's been doing for some time now. I am in the camp with those who say it's time for an ultimatum. No proposal in one year (or whatever time period works for you) and you're out of there.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

9 years???

Your biological clock is ticking... tick-tock, tick-tock.

Your BF has a great life. Home all day, writing a few paragraphs, wiping off the counters, maybe a little Swiffering... while YOU slave away at a full-time job to pay for everything. Odds are, you don't need his "good credit" anymore anyway...

I agree with others. You either BUY a ring (not "shop" for one) and set a firm date... or it's time for BF to pack it up, move along.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

Have you asked him what exactly his reservations are? I mean, have you tried to push past his dismissive "it's not the right time" comments? 

You say he's all cool with talking about weddings and looking at rings right until the last minute. Something happens, and he avoids the subject all together. Then he gets upset when you bring it back to his attention or push him too hard. To me, it doesn't really sound like he's stringing you along. It sounds like anxiety. 

I wouldn't be able to tell you what about - maybe he's feels like marriage would be inappropriate with his current lack of financial contribution. Maybe he feels bad about not being able to buy you a ring himself. Maybe he's scared because marriage has become synonymous with stress and conflict and he thinks it will change your relationship for the worse. Maybe his anxieties stretch further - he knows you're expecting to have children after you get married, maybe he feels as if he is not ready. I'm just speculating, he's the only one who can tell you what's going on in his head. 

But that's just my opinion, I could be miles off.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

batsociety said:


> Have you asked him what exactly his reservations are? I mean, have you tried to push past his dismissive "it's not the right time" comments?
> 
> You say he's all cool with talking about weddings and looking at rings right until the last minute. Something happens, and he avoids the subject all together. Then he gets upset when you bring it back to his attention or push him too hard. To me, it doesn't really sound like he's stringing you along. It sounds like anxiety.
> 
> ...


I think that anxiety has a lot to do with it as well. I have tried pushing past his "its just not the right time" comments and I always come up empty handed. He can't really tell me why it isn't the right time - just that we are finally getting settled and figuring stuff out and he doesn't want to ruin that.  

Anyway! I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all of your comments on the subject, so far. It has really helped me & I was 100% ready to go home tonight and sit down and have a chat with him regarding our relationship - UNTIL this happened:

I was on my lunch break when I received a text from him saying 
that he was offered a job as a writer with an ad agency. I didn't even know that he had applied or interviewed for anything! I guess he had sent out a few writing samples & a resume and a colleague had recommended him for the position. He then said that he was so excited to be working again & was heading to the office right that minute. And then thanked me for being so patient and understanding during all of this.

Needless to say, that threw me for a loop. I just don't know if I have the heart to bring this stuff up tonight. I have a feeling that he will be in a very good mood & I don't want to ruin that feeling. I think I will give it a few days and then speak to him.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Peach, 

I never saw myself getting married. I didn't really hold much stock in "a piece of paper'. Not that I had anything against marriage, my parents are still married 38 years later.

Then I met this wonderful beguiling, seriously attractive woman. We dated and found we had so much in common. We talked about the future and having children. But she made it very clear that we would not live together.

*If I wanted to keep this woman in my life we would have to get married.* She wasn't willing to compromise.

It was only during the wedding planning that I realised just what it meant to her. She'd dreamed of this (dressed in white standing next to "interchangeable man in suit" as I used to joke). And I'm so glad we did. I have never stopped savouring being able to say my "wife" after thirteen years. Our wedding wasn't extravagant (within our means) but we got married at sunset from a ballroom that over looked the ocean. We were a handsome couple and have the pictures to show our children.

Now, in your case, you're both already living together, already financially enmeshed. So, I'm don't understand why your partner doesn't recognise how important marriage and children is to you. A long relationship has to involve some compromise. In my case, "not getting married" was not some important principle, so I compromised the ideas I brought to the relationship, because getting married was so important to my, now, wife.

When I read you OP I saw a lot of compromise on your side. "Stringing you along" is a loaded phrase. But remember, you are _allowed_ to make demands of your spouse. Sometimes they will be unreasonable. But I don't think that's true in your case. You're compromising too much and demanding too little.

And as for your partners writing 'career'. I work in advertising and have worked with plenty of writers. Some have written books. They worked around ten hours a day, understanding which periods of the day they were productive. And they wrote and wrote and wrote. In my business we can't sit around waiting for the muse to strike. We have to deliver to deadlines. 10-15 years before he "takes off"? He wouldn't last a year in my business. People with passion write as if their life depended on it. It takes application and talent. Talent doesn't need a decade plus to show.

You need to get both of you on the same page. Lay it on the line. And if he can't see a good thing when it's snuggling up on the sofa next to him... pull the plug. You owe it to yourself.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

Hey everyone! I had replied earlier, but I don't know what happened & i don't think it posted!

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the responses and comments to my situation. It has definitely given me some stuff to think about & has made me realize that my demands aren't that crazy (I thought I was the crazy one for sure). I still can't figure out why he keeps saying that he isn't ready. Maybe it is stress or anxiety like someone had mentioned? So I was 100% ready to go home and have a conversation with him about this until THIS happened today:

At lunch I received a text from him saying that he had great news. He was offered a position at an Ad agency as a writer & that he was heading to the office at that moment. I didn't even know that he was interviewing anywhere! I knew he had met up with some colleagues recently but I had no idea that he was pursuing anything. He is a screenwriter & has been finishing a few different screenplays these last few months. Anyway, he sent in a resume and what not and a colleague recommended him for the job and he got it. Needless to say I was thrown for a loop since I had no idea any of this was happening! He thanked me for being so supportive & understanding during all of this. So I think I am going to hold off on bringing this up tonight. He seems to be on cloud 9 right now & very excited. I don't want to damper his spirits. I am going to get my thoughts in order and talk to him in a few days. 

If anyone has any more advice they want to lend, I am open ears.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

LaundryMan said:


> I'm not totally sure I agree with this, because it sounds like what she's been doing for some time now. I am in the camp with those who say it's time for an ultimatum. No proposal in one year (or whatever time period works for you) and you're out of there.


My goal is to give him the chance to step up without the ultimatum (and who wants to get married under an ultimatum?).  It sounds like the issue has been beat to death. I think an ultimatum does more harm than good at this point. Its not like he doesn't know her feeling and desire. The only change at this point would be to drop it and let him have a last chance to act on his own without any perceived pressure. If he still doesn't step up then be gone. I wouldn't be suggesting the investment of more time without the OP having told us how good she thinks the other aspects of the relationship is.


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

I don't know about an ultimatum, but a strong swift jarring move might get his gears going. Right now he's getting free milk. The expensive milk kind.

You need to know what type of person you're dealing with.

What you need to do is separate your finances and possibly move out. Tell him you're moving on. If he comes back he comes back if he doesn't he doesn't. He's been free loading for too long. That's not a manly trait. A man that lives off a woman, with no intention of rectifying the situation is shameful.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

I have tried posting this 3 times now...so hopefully this works! 

Hey everyone! I would like to thank you all for the advice and comments. It has really made me think and get my feelings in order. So here I was, ready to go home tonight and talk to him about our situation BUT then this happened:

At lunch today he texted me and told me that he got a job! WHAT?! as a writer for an ad agency. Now he is a screenwriter, so clearly isn't his dream job but anything as a writer he would be happy to do. Anyway, I had ZERO clue that he was applying for positions. He did meet up with some colleagues last week & I guess one of them had him send in his resume and stuff somewhere. So as he texted me this he was on his way to the office to fill out paperwork! I was SO SHOCKED. He thanked me for being patient and understanding during all of this.

He is on cloud 9 right now and is estatic to be working. He keeps talking about how being at home was becoming depressing and that he is excited to be working for somewhere. I just can't bring it up tonight...I don't want to dampen the good mood. I am going to give it a few days then bring it up.

If anyone still has anymore advice, I am all ears. Again, thank you to everyone who has responded so far.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

princesspeachchi said:


> Hey everyone! I had replied earlier, but I don't know what happened & i don't think it posted!
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you for all of the responses and comments to my situation. It has definitely given me some stuff to think about & has made me realize that my demands aren't that crazy (I thought I was the crazy one for sure). I still can't figure out why he keeps saying that he isn't ready. Maybe it is stress or anxiety like someone had mentioned? So I was 100% ready to go home and have a conversation with him about this until THIS happened today:
> 
> ...


Ok, the job offering and beginning to have actual work can be a game changer. In other words, it is possible he wants to have steady work before he makes a commitment that entails having a family(kids). Perhaps, ultimately, he feels the financial responsibility could rest on his shoulders thus sitting on the fence until an answer materializes in the form of a steady job?

For me, I would want to feel financially stable before making commitments of such magnitude as children.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Ok, the job offering and beginning to have actual work can be a game changer. In other words, it is possible he wants to have steady work before he makes a commitment that entails having a family(kids). Perhaps, ultimately, he feels the financial responsibility could rest on his shoulders thus sitting on the fence until an answer materializes in the form of a steady job?
> 
> For me, I would want to feel financially stable before making commitments of such magnitude as children.


That's exactly what I thought when I read her update about the job.

But (you knew there would be one!), if financial security and having a job were really the reasons he was delaying things, as a couple who has been together as long as they have and are considering marriage, I would have expected him to talk about that with her. 

Why didn't he just tell the woman he loves that he is concerned about being able to support them especially when they have children? That would have helped them both, I think - he wouldn't have to feel so pressured about marriage and she wouldn't have to wonder if he's just stringing her along. Why take her ring shopping for 6 years straight if he had no intention of marrying until he had a job? 

Maybe he didn't want to reveal his insecurities about his employment situation? I don't know. But if they can't speak honestly about these kinds of things, marriage is going to be a long, emotionally painful slog.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

norajane said:


> That's exactly what I thought when I read her update about the job.
> 
> But (you knew there would be one!), if financial security and having a job were really the reasons he was delaying things, as a couple who has been together as long as they have and are considering marriage, I would have expected him to talk about that with her.
> 
> ...


It is possible he did not speak about it out of embarrassment. We constantly hear that the men want to be the bread winner. The man should gross more than the W, etc yadda yadda. 

Let see what the OP has for us after the new job on the horizon good news.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> Why didn't he just tell the woman he loves that he is concerned about being able to support them especially when they have children? That would have helped them both, I think - he wouldn't have to feel so pressured about marriage and she wouldn't have to wonder if he's just stringing her along. Why take her ring shopping for 6 years straight if he had no intention of marrying until he had a job?
> 
> Maybe he didn't want to reveal his insecurities about his employment situation? I don't know. But if they can't speak honestly about these kinds of things, marriage is going to be a long, emotionally painful slog.


If this really was the case, its likely that he figured if he revealed this, that she would tell him that he needed to get a job instead of doing the writing. He probably figured that would be shooting himself in the foot. 

I agree that this could be a turning point! Fingers crossed for OP.


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## princesspeachchi (Apr 20, 2015)

Well everyone I thought I would give you all an update.

So, we ended up talking about the situation. It got kind of heated, I cried for a few hours. I couldn't hold back my emotions. So here is what I got out of our conversation.

Here are a few key things that I told him during our discussion/argument:

- I want marriage because I want to know that I am good enough to be his wife & because I think that I deserve it after all these years. That I will be good enough to be his life long girlfriend but never good enough to have the special title of his wife. That I just get to play his wife but never get to actually have the title.

- That I want our families/friends/acquaintances to take us seriously. I personally feel like that when he introduces me as his girlfriend & then we explain to people we have been together for 9 years, that everyone gives me a look that says "Aww, poor girl." Also, his family will make comments like "Oh well you guys aren't married yet so we don't need to worry about (insert whatever it is here - most recently it was regarding splitting up time during holidays - since we aren't married they don't care to work around the fact that him & I like to spend time together with each of our families on holidays. They feel that I can go be with my family & him with his because we are married)". This has been said on numerous occasions, and it hurts my feelings that his family doesn't take us seriously. 

- I told him that I don't need a huge wedding, that we can go to the court house, or go on vacation & elope. That I just want to be his wife, and by marrying me, he is telling the rest of the world that he has chosen me to be his partner & the one who he is committed to. 

Here are his key points during the discussion:

- SO doesn't believe in what marriage is (obviously, his thoughts on marriage has changed over the years, because when we spoke about it when we first got together, marriage was something that he wanted too - of course, he could have just been saying that, but who knows). He doesn't think that we should have to get married to show our commitment to each other. Neither of us are religious, so he doesn't think that we ever need to sign a piece of paper to be together. (Logically, I understand what he is saying. That makes sense...BUT I can't help how I FEEL - I have tried to change how I feel about the situation but can't.)

- He wants to become more stable with his job & doesn't want me to pay for my ring or a wedding by myself. (I agree & think this is understandable - but when does this no longer get to be an excuse?). 

- We can't just run off and elope because his family & my family would be pissed & we would have to hear about it for the rest of our lives. (although, I said that it isn't about them, its about us)

- That he is 100% committed to me. He loves me. He cares about me & he wants what is best for me. That if he ever stops loving me then we will end our relationship - married or not - because it isn't fair to either of us to keep something going that isn't working. Right now, it is working & that I need to stop constantly searching for "whats next" in life & live more "in the moment".

- He can't justify spending a bunch of money on a wedding right now. 

- The only reason he is going to marry me is because he doesn't want to listen to me complain the rest of his life. Again, he doesn't believe in marriage, so therefore it's not important to him to rush and do something while we are so young still. (I can't say that 28 is THAT young - yes in the grand scheme of things, it is, but I want kids before my body tells me no)

- He feels that I just want a party & a title change and that is the most ridiculous thing in the world. He said that I need to stop caring about what everyone else thinks of our relationship & that I should just tell people to screw off if they have an opinion about it. He then pointed out that his sister is miserable in her marriage & that we have outlasted almost every relationship we know that started at the same time as ours & that we should be proud of that & that a lot of couples look up to us.

- He said that he feels like I care more about a wedding/party than I do about our relationship right now. (which is NOT the case...but I was tired of trying to figure out where our relationship stood).



In conclusion, I felt guilt tripped in a way. He said that it will happen eventually (before we have kids) and that I need to stop making him feel like a bad guy for this & that if I wanted a wedding more than a good relationship then I was welcome to leave & find the next guy who would marry me. He also told me that I need to stop being obsessed about weddings & babies -- because I guess thats "all I talk about" -- which I don't know what he expects, since almost EVERY SINGLE PERSON we know is having a baby or getting married. We have a lot of baby showers, weddings, engagement parties, wedding showers, etc. these next few months. He said that I need to stop making decisions based off my feelings & stop letting others cause me to be hurt by what they are saying. 

Like I said, LOGICALLY, I get where he is coming from & I understand his points - but I still can't help how I FEEL. Although he claims that he understands my point of view, I don't know if he actually does. 

For now I am just going to drop it & enjoy our relationship. I am also going to start going to therapy to deal with my anxiety issues - and see if that helps this as well. In the end, I just want to be with him. I just hope he keeps his promise that it will happen.

If you have any thoughts, please feel free to share them.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

princesspeachchi said:


> Well everyone I thought I would give you all an update.
> 
> So, we ended up talking about the situation. It got kind of heated, I cried for a few hours. I couldn't hold back my emotions. So here is what I got out of our conversation.
> 
> ...


Yep, he's stringing you along. Set a time in your mind for him to come through for you, and if he doesn't then take him up on the part in bold.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not sure if my thoughts will really help you, but here goes...



princesspeachchi said:


> - He feels that I just want a party & a title change and that is the most ridiculous thing in the world. He said that I need to stop caring about what everyone else thinks of our relationship & that I should just tell people to screw off if they have an opinion about it.


Your SO is being incredibly dismissive of your thoughts. He should also follow his own advice. He's not allowed to tell you what _you_ think. Or how you should feel. 

Also, he has the cheek to describe it as "our relationship", when the elephant in the room is that he has unilaterally changed his position on marriage. Which, of course, he's allowed to do, but has put you both on divergent paths. That's why he wants to "live in the moment" and have you shelve your plans of marriage and a family till an unspecified "later". 

He chooses to characterise marriage as "a party, a change of title" which begs the question if it is as insignificant as he claims, what's stopping him? 



> - SO doesn't believe in what marriage is (obviously, his thoughts on marriage has changed over the years, because when we spoke about it when we first got together, *marriage was something that he wanted too *- of course, he could have just been saying that, but who knows). He doesn't think that we should have to get married to show our commitment to each other. Neither of us are religious, so he doesn't think that we ever need to sign a piece of paper to be together. (Logically, I understand what he is saying. That makes sense... BUT I can't help how I FEEL - I have tried to change how I feel about the situation but can't.)


I went into my current relationship with much the same feelings and arguments. But now that I'm married I know that marriage is something more than rings, a piece of paper or public declarations of commitment in front of witnesses. I wish I could articulate what it is; a feeling or a mindset and so much more than going out with someone with a couple of buts of metal on your fingers.

And no, you can't change how you feel. Nor should you.



> *- That he is 100% committed to me. He loves me. He cares about me & he wants what is best for me.* That if he ever stops loving me then we will end our relationship - married or not - because it isn't fair to either of us to keep something going that isn't working. Right now, it is working & that I need to stop constantly searching for "whats next" in life & live more "in the moment".


He needs to demonstrate that or at least put a time frame on it. He also sounds hopelessly naive. Love is not enough. You are two different people who will change and grow over time. The only way you can keep on the same page is by constantly communicating "Are we both heading in the same direction?" "Do we still want the same things from life?". And sometimes in a long-term relationship there is no compromise position. You get to a fork in the road and ask - Do we both turn left or do we go our separate ways?

Honestly, saying "I'll marry you just so he doesn't want to listen to me complain the rest of his life" is him making a mockery of something you value so much. You just can't belittle your partners dearest wishes and hope to stay in a relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think if you stay with him at this point hoping he will change his mind again and want marriage, you are stringing yourself along.

He's trying not to tell you straight out he doesn't want to marry you, but that's what he has told you here:



> SO doesn't believe in what marriage is (obviously, his thoughts on marriage has changed over the years,


He should have mentioned that at some point during the last 6 years when he's been taking you ring shopping. Or at some point when you brought up marriage. *You deserved to know that his thoughts had changed. * Instead, he didn't tell you, and is now belittling your desire for marriage with him by saying you just want a party.



> I need to stop constantly searching for "whats next" in life & live more "in the moment".


He's telling you to stop having expectations of him. Do you really believe he wants kids? I am thinking he might not and would one day use this same line to tell you to stop asking him about having a baby. Do you want to take that chance?



> The only reason he is going to marry me is because he doesn't want to listen to me complain the rest of his life.


Yeah, that speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Look, you want to marry and start a family. This guy doesn't. I know you've spent a long time with him, and I know you love him, but love is not enough. You need someone who wants to be a team and wants to create a family. He doesn't. 

Every moment you spend waiting for him to want something that he doesn't, is time you have lost that you will never get back. There are men out there who do want to start families, so you might want to consider breaking up with this one who doesn't.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

princesspeachchi said:


> Well everyone I thought I would give you all an update.
> 
> So, we ended up talking about the situation. It got kind of heated, I cried for a few hours. I couldn't hold back my emotions. So here is what I got out of our conversation.
> 
> ...


Well, what an unfortunate update. I can see that you are still struggling, so here is the manly man translation for you.

"Here are a few key things that I told him during our discussion/argument:"

Manslation: Gee, princess, that's a whole bunch of noise. I don't wanna marry you, and let me tell you the story about free milk and the cow......

Please understand that I am not minimizing or dismissing the points you made. The problem is that, to writer-boy, they just don't matter.

The main thing from your end is, YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED (to him).

So let's move on to his points, as you transcribed them. Manslation provided free, of course.

Writer boy "doesn't believe in marriage." Think about this a bit. You want your version of the American dream. That requires a MAN WHO BELIEVES IN MARRIAGE. You don't got one. Think about the wonderful features that writer-boy is MISSING ENTIRELY, to not believe in the institution of marriage.

"I don't want to get married right now" is a legitimate and valid statement for a man to make. "I don't believe in marriage" is the verbal equivalent of getting a tattoo on one's forehead that says "unsuitable as a long-term partner."

He wants to become more stable in his job. How stable, exactly? Ooooh, specifics BAD! But that's okay- he'll just spout off this bullsh!t and you'll buy it without thinking about it too much. Besides, it sounds so noble- "Honey, you just keep paying the bills while I start making money at writing, and then we'll live happily ever after even though I won't marry you."

"And also, don't spend money on a ring, because I want to not-buy it for you with my money when I don't-marry you a few years from now. Sorry about that whole 'you wasted the best years of your life with me, doll."

And eloping is right out. Because his family would be horribly disappointed in him for not marrying you properly, even though he doesn't actually believe in marriage. Whatever, the details aren't important, he just needs to make an excuse that you'll buy to rule out this option.

You are 100% fulfilling HIS needs right now. I mean, you pay the bills and have sex with him and how cool is that? Don't focus on your future with him so much- he sure isn't focusing on his future with YOU very much at all......

Yeah, he has no income, how could he justify spending it on a wedding? The problem is, when he actually DOES have some cash, he won't be able to justify it then, either. But in the mean time, if you'll just keep paying the bills and having sex with him, well, how cool is that?

He could marry you for love. He could marry you because he feels responsible for you. He could marry you because he feels really comfortable and secure with you. He could marry you because he accidentally got you pregnant and wants to do right by you.

But he's going to marry you so you'll shut up about it.

Do you think this is going to make for a happy marriage? 

(Not that he's actually going to marry you, but, again, he just needs an excuse to shut you up about it until the next time you want to seriously discuss it.)

He doesn't actually think you want a party and a title change. He just threw that out there to put you on the defensive. He accused you of wanting to be married out of false motives, and used the accusation to diminish the importance of the discussion.

Yeah, he's a keeper, all right.

Why don't you ask some of those couples who look up to you two what they REALLY think? Invite them to be brutally honest, and then make sure you're sitting down.

And then another false accusation to put you further on defense. Sure, you pay the bills and have sex with him(and how cool is that?), but its only because you care more about getting married than about his struggling artistic feelings!



So in conclusion, you had a discussion and came away manipulated into feeling guilty. He left you so upset and confused, that he probably figures he'll get several months of you paying the bills and having sex with him before you start nagging him about marrying you after NINE YEARS.

Princess, you came on here looking for advice and perspective.

A dozen people with different life experiences and viewpoints have commented. Everyone who has offered an opinion has said that yes, your boyfriend is stringing you along.

Just as you feared and suspected.

Understand the choice you are making, by staying with him. You have gifts as a person and as a woman.

Lots of women squander their gifts on men unworthy of them. Many of those women can blame their poor choices on ignorance- they didn't know any better.

You've solicited outside opinions. If you make a bad choice here with writer-boy, if you find yourself un-married and childless a decade from now, it will have been your choice, eyes wide open.

I really hope you think very carefully about the path you are choosing.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

you are a writers wet dream....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Princess, I have to chime in and say that I agree with the other posters here. He has no intention of marrying you. Ever.

Even worse, he is trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for wanting to get married. Is that the kind of person you even want to be married to? Someone who tries to marginalize and discredit your needs and desires, when they don't conform with what he wants? Because he will continue to do that very thing, if you stay with him.

If he loves you and respects your desires and needs, he would recognize how important marriage and family is to you. If he really just sees marriage as a piece of paper, but he values YOUR desire to marry and sees how important it is to you, then he would marry you. 

But he's not. Instead, he's trying to minimize your desires and make them appear silly and trifling. Those aren't the actions of love.

Some TAMers have suggested that you give him a year to change his tune. I disagree. It's been nine years. If he was going to marry you, you would be married by now. I know you don't want to feel that it's all been wasted time, but you can't do anything about that now, so don't worry about that. But don't waste another minute with this man. Get out now before he has the opportunity to make you feel bad about anything else. Pack your stuff, get out of dodge, and stop paying for him to fool around with his writing. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself, especially now that he got that job.

Go find someone who will love you and give you what you want, because this man isn't going to. Don't waste another minute or another dollar on him.

Good luck, and be strong.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.CuddleBug and I dated for about 6 months, I asked her to marry me, surprised her with an engagement ring, and 6 months later we were married.

15+ married years later, own a place and have it paid off in 3.5 years.

We could have kids or just work. She loves her job so career it is.

I talked to Mrs.CuddleBug and we are both similar minded. No point in dating for 5+ years to go no where. Waste of time.

I wasn't ready for marriage until I turned 24 ish. Then it clicked and went fast from that point. Mrs.CuddleBug was 19 and started thinking about us and marriage at 20.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

he needs to be someone else's problem

you need to be your own strong person and you will do way way better

Hell, most guys would love to find a smart, financially secure, loyal, caring woman!


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## 2times2 (Apr 21, 2013)

I read your post and all I could think about is a friend of mine. She and her boyfriend lived together for 13 years and finally got married, not because he wanted to, but because she wanted to and the rest of us and our friends were all getting married. He said it just seemed like what he was supposed to do. 

He started an affair with another woman at his work about 3 or 4 months later. The couple were divorced before their 1st anniversary. I think if he had really wanted to be with her, there is no way he would have waited that long. She is doing fine now, but never had any kids. 

9 years is too long, especially with his recent comments. 
If you married him, you would always wonder or still feel "not good enough" because you had to talk him into it and it wasn't what he really wanted. 

Don't compromise with such an important part of your life. The partner you choose is so important to your happiness. Also, what if you marry him and then in a few years he is "not ready" for children or decides he doesn't want them at all. 

My advice is, let him go. There is someone else out there who wants the same things that you do.


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