# Willing to forgive......but



## Bpm2616 (Oct 17, 2012)

I am a male, been married for 9 years, we have an 8 year old son on the autistic spectrum. I am 39 w is 42. 3 weeks ago received phone bill double in price than usual. On the line with company for 1/2 hour trying to figure out "the mistake". My wife comes into the room, guilty conscience got the best of her, said my name 3 times with the look of concern. I knew I was in for a shock. She told me she had been talking to an old friend from high school on facebook for a while. . She said it was nothing else but emotional since he lives 2 states away. Met him once and kissed him. Ok. Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated. 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...she has been a stay at home mom for 7 years dealing with a child with special needs, I worked my ass off trying to make ends meet with some $ leftover. Have I been emotionally there, probably not, did we communicate, not like we should have. I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling. She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Yes, there is hope. But it will take lots of work from the both of you. She has had 2 affairs, and as you are learning an EA is a big problem. Her feelings for the FB guy is probably what's driving the "I don't love you anymore"

As long as she is not still on contact with another man then marriage counseling could help. However she may be to far gone? 

You need to talk to her, she needs to come clean.there very well could be more. You are getting trickle truthed here. 

Sorry to say this but you need to get tested for STD's too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She's in love with FB dude or thinks she is & you are plan B if he doesn't leave his wife for her.

What "lonely place" was she in that she felt the need for a boob job & multiple affairs?

Look, I am so very sorry about all of this. It is a shock & I hope you can take care of yourself - sleep, eat, see a doctor if you need to.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You need to start looking after yourself and I agree with the STD test. Multiple affairs (2 that you know about), physical and emotional plus you just paid for a new rack that is obviously not intended for your enjoyment. 

Consider the 180.

Good luck WD


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## Bpm2616 (Oct 17, 2012)

She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Forgiving her is not an option at this point.

It's sort of like the giraffe telling the lion that he wants to be friends as the Lion is chewing his leg off.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> I am a male, been married for 9 years, we have an 8 year old son on the autistic spectrum. I am 39 w is 42. 3 weeks ago received phone bill double in price than usual. On the line with company for 1/2 hour trying to figure out "the mistake". My wife comes into the room, guilty conscience got the best of her, said my name 3 times with the look of concern. I knew I was in for a shock. She told me she had been talking to an old friend from high school on facebook for a while. . She said it was nothing else but emotional since he lives 2 states away. Met him once and kissed him. Ok. Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated. 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...she has been a stay at home mom for 7 years dealing with a child with special needs, I worked my ass off trying to make ends meet with some $ leftover. Have I been emotionally there, probably not, did we communicate, not like we should have. I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling. She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


*It does not sound like she wants to stop with the A. She needs to keep you around for a meal ticket. She wants you to be ok with this arrangement. You tell her hell naw. She is a cheater and a lair who will use you. You can't make her stop she has to want to .*

*You get tested for Std and Aids asap*.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her to move out you don't care where except that you will need her address to have her served with d papers later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bpm2616 (Oct 17, 2012)

She says she has stopped communicating with FB guy, and the gym was a one time thing with protection,,I know,I know....please see my 2nd post.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Even if she isn't communicating with the FB guy and the guy she screwed from the gym was a one shot deal and you can forgive her for it, so what?

It's obvious she no longer wants to be married to you.

Don't leave your fate in her hands. You never know where they've been.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

You want to stay...WHY?

Let's see, she's not in love with you. She used your money to fund surgeries to look good for her boyfriends on the side. And, she's all but telling you that you're her wallet until the man she's in "love" can probably provide for her. 

Now she's going to make YOU do the work so the relationship can be rekindled. 

Quit being a doormat. You worked your ass off so she could be a SAHM. I wouldn't even fathom reconciliation with all her repeated lies and deceit but if you want to be successful, man up and make her do the work. 

Set boundaries, transparency, and heavily consider the prospects of moving on.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have gotten some very sound advice I truly hope you take some action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, she is lying...Get access to her all her accounts(facebook and mail) and see if you can get more information about the nature and extent of the affairs...She even got her implants for her lovers. How far off is she if she could do that to you ?

The FB guy and her probably had sex. They are not teenagers. If she has an iphone, you can retrieve all her deleted messages. You might not even have 10% of the total truth. She was lying all this time. Why would you expect her to come completely clean now ?She is just gauging her options now. Also called fence sitting. Kick her out from your side and expose the affair to both sides of the family.


You are the backup guy. Someone she will fall on to once everything else fails. Good luck!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.


This is called limbo land my friend.

We get that you love her & want to forgive her from the title of your post. We are trying to help you & are not emotionally involved like you are.

You have a child. You need to eat, sleep & if necessary go to the doctor.

Stop pushing her to make a decision. Do the 180. Read the CWI forum here - knowlege is power.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly. For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.


Most BS are shocked about the affair, We NEVER thought they would do this. It's beyond our imagination etc. etc....Yes we get that.
Been there too!

I like what another poster here mentioned, do some more research, have you checked phone records, her email etc.? I have to wonder if there is more to this.

Your going to struggle for a while, it's going to hurt like hell, and it's going to consume every waking moment of you. Especially if you don't have all the answers. Your mind will wonder about everything, the sex, if there were others, the FB guy, etc. If she cares at all she will talk to you, open up and tell you everything.

We could use a little feedback on how she is behaving right now.

A few important questions:

Is she being defensive right now when you ask her questions?
Is she giving you reasons for her affairs?
Is she blaming you for her affairs?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

like james said"you want to stay?",you're the fall back guy as none of the om's will make a commiment to her, freeze her out,stop paying for the gym,internet,cell phone,once she sees you playing hardball,she will probable make a mad dash for whats in the bank so be careful there.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> *She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly.* For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis? We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now, I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but *she says she doen't know every time,* even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her. *I have no appetite, can't sleep, I'm a p.o. that needs to have all my senses working properly.*


Sorry you are here, but it's a good place to start given circumstances. Several of the posters in this section has been right there where you are now. Me2. It's one of the most traumatic experiences you can have within a relationship - the betrayal from a close relative.

You were hit by a fastgoing train three weeks ago, which means that you probably are bouncing around between denial and bargain phases of the trauma and healing proces.

First of all; you need to take care of your self. You need to eat, sleep and keep your body fit in order to function properly. Full attention on that. If you can't concentrate on this, see a doctor to get some help.

Second; you need to get out of denial. Let me try to help you here.



Bpm2616 said:


> She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly.


No, she is not. She has just proved the opposite to you, no need to contradict that one. She had it inside of her, you just didn't know. She has made conscious choices to flirt and act out with other men. She is a different person than you thought she is. Period. If you just a bit like me, you feel plain stupid to learn that you were deceived. Not your fault - it's on her!

Third; your wife is probably in shock too. Her perfect double life came crashing down over her head. Her head is despereatly trying to juggle all the "what-if's" and minimize the damage. She's in damage control mode. That's why she can't decide for or against anything yet. It would be good for you, if you could gain strength and lead the proces.

You have been deceived and betrayed. You know now that she is capable of doing just that. So don't trust, but verify.

You need to make sure she gets out of her affair fog and have terminated all relationships with other men. Don't trust - verify. In newbie links in this section, you will find info on how to deal with this.

You don't have to decide if you will stay married to her or kick her out just yet. Take your time to get yourself together and think things through. Don't rush your decission. If you are too quick to promise anything, it will hit you in your back later on.

If she at any point resist, you need to have consequences in place. Hold her accountable for her actions.

The marriage you thought you had is over! If you choose to keep her, it will be a totally different relationship. Prepare for that.

Enough for now. Educate yourself on this forum. Post additional info and progress made when you can and feel like it. We will be there to support you.

Hang in there, and remember: Food, sleep and physical activity.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're plan B right now bpm.

Please, if anything in this thread you listen to, please listen to this next sentence. 

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER.

No matter what you do you cannot control what she is going to do. Many betrayed spouses think "I have to save my marriage!!!" and try to get their wayward spouses to do what they want them to and it always backfires. 

She is in the land of fog, cake, and pink colored grass and tan seas.

You can't be rational with her. 

One, you need to take your respect back from her. 

this is gonna be blunt, so I apologize in advance but this is what shes telling you.

"I've been talking with a friend and getting emotional with him but hes far away so don't worry about cheating, oh yeah I also fvcked a guy from the gym awhile back. I don't love you, but instead of letting you go so you can find a woman who does, I'd rather use the children as an excuse to stay with you so I can maintain my lifestyle while I have affairs with my boyfriends, at least until I find one with deep pockets. I mean god forbid I actually have to get a job and take care of myself, as long as you're footing the bill(especially for these new 9000$ boobs you bought for my OMs to enjoy), why leave?You're okay with this right?"

If you accept that she WILL NOT respect you. You can't have love without respect. This will make OM seem like more of the man, and you the walking talking meal ticket who pays for plastic surgery and also functions as a doormat to wipe her shoes off of. 

You're at the precipice of your marriage. you have two choices, and despite anything you may say, it is simple, it truly is very simple.

Yes or no answer. No sentences, no excuses, yes or no. 

Do you want to be a plan B, at least until your wife finds a OM with a good sized bank account? 

If your answer is yes, then consign yourself to your reality. 

If your answer is no, then it is time for decisive action

by decisive action I mean severe. 

The time for counseling, talking things out, bargaining has past.

Also if you were thinking of it, don't get counseling for her. Counseling is 100% WORTHLESS if shes in contact with other men so if you think paying money to sit her in front of a shrink would magically fix everything, you're dead wrong. 

Now lets get onto action.

This will help you. This one action will wake your wife up. This will force her to realize just what shes doing and get out of this cake eating limbo(OMs for sex and emotions, you for finances and watching the kids). Its so very simple and so many more BSs would be better off if they just manned up and did. 

That action is, KICK HER OUT. 

Before you make excuses, before you try to deny it, it is very simple and as easy as saying 4 words. "I want you out."

Tell her she has till the end of tomorrow to be packed up and out. Tell her that you WILL NOT pay for her to have an affair. Don't pay for her to call her boyfriends, remove her from your cell phone plan(shes already running up a big bill), if you have a joint bank account, take half of it and put it in another and forward your future paychecks into the new one. 

You may be thinking "Yeah but I don't want to lose my marriage" 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but its too late for that bpm, as its already gone, you're just clinging to the broken pieces of it in limbo. 

Can a new marriage be made? Yes, but it depends on you and the actions you take RIGHT NOW. 

Stop saying "Shes honest, shes a good person, blah blah justification, rationalization, etc"

Shes not, she may have been, but she isn't now.

You have to realize just how selfish and uncaring she is right now. She is a SAHM, yet she spends the hard money YOU bust your ass for to have an affair? Completely intolerable and if you accept this ridiculous and cruel behavior, and don't take decisive action, your new marriage will never be built.

Before reconciliation is even on the table. You need to get her out of affair fog land, make her own up to her decisions, and go NC with OM. Also shes gonna be doing all this OUTSIDE the marital home. 

Don't accept crumbs, get the whole bid, and if she doesn't do any of this, then there was no chance for reconciliation from the start.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> You want to stay...WHY?
> 
> Let's see, she's not in love with you. She used your money to fund surgeries to look good for her boyfriends on the side. And, she's all but telling you that you're her wallet until the man she's in "love" can probably provide for her.
> 
> ...


Sadly, I agree. 

This women is a serial cheater. She disrespected you, too, by allowing you to pay for the boob job. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair was also a serial cheater. She prior cheated with her husband's best friend and her girlfriend's husband. A true lowlife. 

She, too, was getting liposuction and lip augmentation and numerous other weekly spa treatments and salon treatments, so she could attract other men to cheat on her loving faithful spouse who also PAID FOR EVERYTHING.

There are a lot of good women out there who would never do that to you and who would appreciate a loyal husband. 

Throw this fish back in the pond. She's not a keeper.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Scapism, MLC, whatever... Nothing excuse bad behavior. IT's not out of character, this is how she is now.
You have to make your demands.
NC letter (With your aproval) to FB guy plus Gym guy.
Complete transparence of comunication devices and acountability of whereabouts.
Full disclosure to your satisfaction.
I'd demand also IC with a pro marriage counselor. Huge risk, she would try to use it to shift the blame, rewrite the marriage and excuse her behavior along with her "I want out" new attitude.


On the other hand you need to embrace the trust but verify policy. Her ILYBINILWY, wishy washy, fencesitting mindset is pretty consistent with a false R/gone underground. So keylog the PC, spyware on the phone, GPS, VARs, whetever you need to be sure she's not making a fool of you while pretending she's "trying", stringing you along and milking your wallet.


BTW, don't pay the boob job. No way. Your marriage is hanging by a thread. Being you the breadwinner and her the SAHM/main caregiver to your son is basically a garantee you will be screwed up in the divorce (financialy and custody wise). You need that money. Don't reward her. Don't back off on this.

Talk to a lawyer, find wher you stand, think about all scenarios. Prepare for the worse.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

What a nice wife. 

Meets a loser on facebook to start talking to. 
Probably has sex with him, then he says something to make her feel insecure. 
Then she has you buy her new boobs for her lover. 
And then the sh!t hits the fan!!!

Your wife doesn't want you. She wants the house you own, and the car you gave her. 

She wants her lover to satisfy her freak side.

And the fact you could pay that lying tramp alimony...

Well, how about you tell your wife, she can either choose you and you two will go to MC, you expect her to live her to wifely duties (clean cook and come), you want a NC or whatever the hell that is in the morning to be sent, you want all of her passwords to everything, you want her phone, she will go to IC, and you won't be paying that for that boob job until she earns it. 

And if she says no to any part of this, tell her "All right, well I'll go to Walmart, we'll have a garage sale on Saturday. I'll go to the bank call the credit companies to cancel our joint accounts and your accounts today, call a lock smith to change the locks later today or tomorrow, and I want you out of here by 5 today. I don't care where you go, but this place won't be your home. But I expect your help with the garage sale, or I will sell everything of yours that is not collected." 

And then you can use the expenses of the garage sale to pay your legal fees.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Bpm2616 said:


> She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


There is zero hope as long as other MEN are in the picture. She's gotta make a choice either you or pack her crap and leave.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You can be fairly certain the fb bf has pic and vids of your wifes new assets
Be prepared to see them in recovered msgs if you can recover them. Then again you may not want to do so. 

You said you are a po? Hope her bf isnt a sleeze bc he could use the pics (if any) to harm you in your work - if she revealed whatvyou do


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> Met him once and* kissed *him. Ok.


Not OK. "Kiss" is busted adulteress talk for copulation and/or fellatio. Probably the later, in light of her subsequent confession. Or maybe she's just throwing curve balls.



Bpm2616 said:


> Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated.


"Just once" is affair talk for "I can't remember how many times I've done this." When was the one time supposed to have happened?



Bpm2616 said:


> 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...


Boob jobs, weight loss, physique sculpting are usually undertaken after a woman has decided to move on, but prior to actually executing the sentence. They H is a dead man walking and doesn't even know it.




Bpm2616 said:


> I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling.


You're a good man to say that, but this wasn't any result of your faults. Had she decided to divorce you for your faults, then maybe you could get some of the blame, maybe not. In the case of adultery this and the fallout is 100% on your wife's head.



Bpm2616 said:


> She says she has fallen out of love with me,


What she did was devalue and suppress your male traits, causing herself to lose sexual attraction to you. You just flunked too many of her sh!t tests, when you didn't even know you were being tested. Your mind reading skills, so critical to women's evaluations of whether or not you are her true fantasy soul mate unicorn, just weren't up to snuff. Happens pretty much to the vast majority of guys. This is where the ILYBINILWY originates. When the first OM (who knows when that was or how many there have been - polygraph) started banging her, your wife's limbic system started releasing chemistry to weaken the bond to you and create a stronger and stronger bond to him. The link is a light discussion of the facts, but google will let you get as scientific as you want. When she gets this huge surge of brain drugs and gets the shakes over sex (which she probably hasn't had since she was 14) she remembers that vibe as "in love." She doesn't get that with you anymore because you cause her to release mellow attachment hormones. Even if your wife drops OM#1 and moves on to OM#2-10, the crack cocaine-like craving for animalistic sex with you doesn't just come back. It has to be recreated and that's a lot of trouble. Usually, you can't get it back, because when a girl/woman dumps you, you were dumped long ago in her mind. This is what ILYBINILWY means. She has warm fuzzy feelings for you and wants to keep them going, but not if it means giving up the wild, uninhibited can't-do-with-husband car and hotel sex.



Bpm2616 said:


> she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy.


High-making chemicals,dopamine, PEA, etc discussed above are in full flood if the affair continues, so her feelings will not abate while they remain in contact. But she also wants the laid back feel good vibe from home and family, if she can have both. You could work out a deal with her on this. It's called an Open Marriage. The scorecard on that always comes out much better for the woman than the man. You will also be babysitting while she's getting it on with her OMs.




Bpm2616 said:


> I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


Not a chance unless you enforce NC covertly. You'll have to put cell spy on her phone, key log the computer, VAR and GPS in her car. Even if she agrees to NC and total transparency, MC is probably going to fail. However, you can make certain changes to your behavior that may possibly appeal to her limbic system (where female sexual attraction lies) as raising your personal SMV. Since you're a cop, I suppose you already lift frequently and use, er, ah "supplements" so you should already have a good physique going into this. That's a big plus in your favor. If you read these two books: No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer, they'll give you a good heads up on how you got here as far as losing your appeal. More than likely you broke the 16 Commandments too often. You also need to find out where you are on the male hierarchy.



Bpm2616 said:


> She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly.


She sure had you fooled. Don't worry, though. Nobody lies like an adulteress trying to save her meal ticket. They make politicians look like pikers.



Bpm2616 said:


> *For her to do this is beyond my imagination, *mid life crisis?


It shouldn't be. About 40% of married women in random surveys admit it and most of the rest are probably lying.



Bpm2616 said:


> We haven't been intimate after that and I am trying to get on with my life one way or another now,


Then you need actions, not words. Lay out your demands, sorry she doesn't get to decide. You're the man, remember? You decide based on how good she crawls. When you're not working nights, leave the house. Make sure you're dressed sharp: suit, open collar or tie, shined shoes, good haircut, all like you're pulling much more $$ than a cop. Head out the door and say, "I'm going out, see you later." If she asks where you're going evade and leave. Give her something to think about. She needs to see that having to stay with her son means she's not going to be able to party every night like she thinks she can if she stays with you for the kids. Let her know no matter what happens, you'll have you own life that doesn't include her, and you won't be the babysitter.

Your wife actually thinks at some level that you do not have options. You've been reinforcing that based on your behavior. Women are attracted to men with options, especially when those options are other women. The females in the herd take their cues on which males are attractive from the other females. Your wife thinks no other woman is or would be attracted to you. You need to fix that if you want to get her interest. Move away from her toward what she thinks is her "replacements" and it should increase your attractiveness. YMMV.



Bpm2616 said:


> I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce,


Part of your problem is that you are giving up the dominant position in the relationship to your wife. You let her make the decisions. Women do not like this. Even if it's McDonald's vs. Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, you need to decide. You are the man, not her.



Bpm2616 said:


> I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling,


That would be the best decision by far for you, aside from the monthly cash payouts, but not for her.



Bpm2616 said:


> but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor.


That's because she can't get a solid commitment from FB guy and although she enjoys random hotel sex with guys from the gym, they aren't offering to support her lifestyle. She has to stall you until FB guy comes through. Even if it takes 15 years, she'll eat cake as long as you let her.



Bpm2616 said:


> How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her.


Have her served tomorrow. That will shock her, possibly even into some sense. In the unlikely event that it does, you can slow it down or stop it. She'll live under your roof and fvck the OMs as long as you will allow it. Pull the plug now and you may snap her out of it. Probably not, though.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh - in the divorce settlement she pays you $4500 for half the boob job or you take one and she gets the other.

Serial cheater and not even a show of remorse. Run!


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*She is a serial cheater who will continue to lie to you. You can't turn a hoe into a house wife. She has a plan have you be her sugar daddy. Your W is a very selfish person. She has told you many lies. If not this om, she will just find another one. This is what you should do. You let her get a job to support her men. Don't keep letting her use your hard earned money on men. Serial cheaters don't stop they just take the A underground. Why would you want to live with a W that does not love or respect you ? *


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Machiavelli hit all the high points. Read them carefully.

I'd advise you to go ahead and file. If you decide you want to R you can always not complete the divorce but reality can sometimes wake a person up. Even if she does come around and want to fix the marriage, which she will have to do because she broke it, you have to decide if you want to check up on her for the rest of your marriage. You're a cop you said? You want to be a correctional officer too? It can be done but know what you're signing up for.

My son is on the moderate to severe end of the autistic spectrum. I know the kinds of challenges you both face in raising your son. It's sad you have this on your plate now too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> I am a male, been married for 9 years, we have an 8 year old son on the autistic spectrum. I am 39 w is 42. 3 weeks ago received phone bill double in price than usual. On the line with company for 1/2 hour trying to figure out "the mistake". My wife comes into the room, guilty conscience got the best of her, said my name 3 times with the look of concern. I knew I was in for a shock. She told me she had been talking to an old friend from high school on facebook for a while. . She said it was nothing else but emotional since he lives 2 states away. Met him once and kissed him. Ok. Then after more talking the next day she said she had sex with some guy from her gym at a hotel during the day while I was at work. Just once so stated. 3 weeks prior to that I payed $9000 for a breast augmentation, which I said hey don't do it for me, if you will feel better about yourself then ok. Wtf...she has been a stay at home mom for 7 years dealing with a child with special needs, I worked my ass off trying to make ends meet with some $ leftover. Have I been emotionally there, probably not, did we communicate, not like we should have. I have admitted my faults, understand she was in a lonely place and am willing to forgive and work on rekindling. She says she has fallen out of love with me, she wants to stay together for our son but still has feelings for the fb guy. I have been an absolute mess and consumed with this. Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


*She did not fall out of love! She put her cheater's parachute on, waved goodbye to you and your little boy and jumped out of the aeroplane of your marriage.

And now, when she sees the smoking wreckage of the aeroplane on the ground she says: "Gee! Did you see what my co-pilot did? It was all HIS fault!*


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Bpm2616 said:


> Is there hope through counseling to get back what we hd


There is hope, but not through counseling. The counselor is just a person paid to listen to your problems and help you through them. The counselor can't make your wife tell the truth. Counseling assumes that you both want to be counseled and you both are committed to work toward saving the marriage. That is not the case here.

You had faults, she had some, too. The cheating is not your fault. Your faults were just faults, so were hers, up until the cheating. The cheating is a huge betrayal of you, much much more damaging than any faults either of you had prior.

You have been busy supporting your family and helping in the care of your son and all that entails. Somewhere along the line you stopped noticing what your wife was up to. You failed to notice that she had become a bit selfish. $9k for a boob job just to make herself feel better about herself is just one thing you stated; if you think about it, look back a couple years, I think you will see a lot more selfish behavior from your wife that you just wrote off based on how unselfish she had been in the first half of your marriage and when you first had your son. I guarantee that she has not been that honest unselfish person for quite a while now if you think about it.

Your wife has told you she is in love with another man. She told you there is no chance of it getting physical because other man is two states away, then she told you she kissed him once - do you find that to be a bit contradictory. Did she kiss him from two states away, or is there actually a way that one of them could travel to see the other? For all you know, other man could have come to stay near your town in a hotel any number of times and your wife could have gone to see him and have sex with him.

Cheaters lie. It is the nature of cheating to lie. Your wife is a cheater. Your wife has lied about it and will continue to lie about it. From this point forward, ASSUME ALL OF YOUR WIFE'S WORDS ARE LIES *UNLESS* they are backed up and supported by her actions.

So, your situation is that your wife thinks she is in love with another man and she says she loves you but is not in love with you. What you want is for your wife to be in love with you and not have any feelings for the other man. How are you going to accomplish that? Probably not through counseling.

What you have to do is to break up your wife's affair with the other man. If the other man has a wife or girlfriend, expose the affair to the wife/girlfriend. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Your day-to-day life with your wife is full of mundane household tasks, working, cleaning, taking care of your son. Other man's interaction with your wife is all fantasy talk of how they are soulmates, how much they want to have sex with each other, how life together some day will be all rainbows and unicorns and sunsets - no boring stuff, no cleaning, no working - just being together in happy bliss. THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN COMPETE WITH THAT FANTASY. YOU MUST BUST UP THAT FANTASY.

How you do that is to force your wife's hand. First, explain to her how her life with other man is a fantasy. Then, tell her that you are going to let her have her fantasy. Tell her you want to pack up her stuff and drive her to the other man's house and drop her off there. Tell other man that he wants your wife, he can have her.

Give your wife this option for staying with you:

1. She ceases all contact with the other man now and forever.

2. She handwrites a "no contact" letter to the other man stating she is horribly ashamed of her behavior, she feels terrible for risking losing her husband, who she cares more about than anything in the world, and if other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him. The letter begins with other man's name (no "dear" in front) and ends with "signed, your wife's name." No terms of endearment, no I'm sorry this didn't work out, just what's here. Then she gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

3. She blocks other man from facebook and removes him from her phone contacts. At your option, she deletes her facebook account entirely. She gives you complete access to all her communication devices and accounts, all passwords, and you can check whenever you want. She agrees to delete nothing, only you can delete.

4. At your option (if it matters to you about the number, length, and acts committed during her affairs), she takes a polygraph. You know it is extremely likely, very very close to 100 percent, that she had sex with current other man and more sex than she's letting on with past other man/other men.

5. She quits the gym. She works out at home from now on. If you could pay $9k for a boob job, you can buy some decent equipment and let her work out at home. She has proven she can't be trusted at the gym.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her, that you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept or not accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

Tell your wife that you have no intention of going through another single day as her backup plan while she pines away for another man. Tell her that you cannot compete with a fantasy who has not had to go through life's ups and downs with her like you have, and that if she thinks he will be a better man than you, she should go to him now and you wish her all the happiness in the world.

If she does not agree to your conditions, file for divorce. Divorce is a long process. If she comes to her senses, you always can stop the process. In your situation, you need to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Even if you can't save it, at least you hold onto your dignity and self-respect.

About her telling you she has cut off contact with other man: Don't believe it. If she has, it's only temporary. Can you imagine stopping all contact with the love of your life to live in an unhappy marriage? She will not be able to maintain no contact, if she ever even tried in the first place.

Put a keylogger on the computer. Buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro and place them under the seat of her car and in places in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you are not around. Within a week you will have your evidence that she still is in contact with him.

Also, don't forget about telling other man's wife/girlfriend what is going on and DO NOT tell your wife before you do this.

Also, if your wife does not agree to your conditons, stop treating her like your wife. Talk to her only about issues related to financial matters regarding the divorce and issues regarding your son. Do not be mean to her, but do not be loving either. Try to remain upbeat and confident - you want her in your life, but not at any cost, not at the cost of being a backup plan - you want to be with her, but if she doesn't want to be with you, you will be fine without her. Do not cry, plead, beg, or argue. Wish her well in her new fantasy life with the other man and encourage her to take all her stuff and go immediately if that is what she wants.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Bpm2616 said:


> She is the most trusting, truthful, honest person I though I knew on the face of this planet, honestly.


 You thought wrong.



Bpm2616 said:


> For her to do this is beyond my imagination, mid life crisis?


 Mid life crisis is just a fake excuse right out of the state of self denial script. 



Bpm2616 said:


> I said to her last night if she can't tell me, make the decision to divorce, I said we should just end it now, I'll put the house on the market and get everything rolling, but she says she doen't know every time, even to the marriage counselor. How much do I push it, what is a reasonable time to give her.


 When asked if she loves you the only positive answer is a "yes". No answer is not a "yes" and needs to be treated as a "no". 

She is an unremorseful cheater. You cannot really begin to forgive because she has not even asked for forgiveness. Your best chance at saving this marraige is to move for a fast divorce and mean it; for your marraige to ever be real again, she needs to be willing to try to earn you back.


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