# After Forty years what now?



## redvik1212 (Nov 14, 2016)

In May we’ll have been married 40 years. Went out 3 ½ years before marriage. 3 kids and 6 grandkids. I’m now retired; she has a few more years to go since she is a few years younger than me. Dead bedroom in a sense since she hit menopause, though technically we have a half open marriage that allows me to stay active. She cut me off, but said I could take care of my needs outside of the marriage and she wouldn’t mind. She had simply lost interest and didn’t really care what I did. At my age this is an option that really isn’t all that much of one. All intimacy is lost. We’re cordial but for me it’s a strain.

At this point I’ve basically lost the desire to carry on and don’t know what to do. I dread the point where she is retired, too, as I don’t know if we’ll be able to stand one another’s constant company. She does have a hobby that keeps her quite active outside the home (horseback riding). But it is expensive, meaning there is not much left over for me to have a life. We argue over this but she doesn’t care. She says that since she’s still working she is entitled, though I don’t really expect things to change when she retires. As she’s aged she has become increasingly selfish and self-centered.

We are OK financially now as long as we’re together. Separated, I’m not sure that things would actually stay OK. There was a time when we could communicate about such issues, but not anymore. If I try, it just results in a screaming match on her part, and a refusal to hear my side. On the rare occasions she acknowledges my feelings she says in the end she doesn’t really care. I’m at a total loss as to what to do. I have no friends to confide in. She is antisocial and for years sabotaged any friendship with other couples or with me making outside friends. I don’t feel it’s fair to burden my kids with my concerns. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

As much as I try to avoid making sweeping generalizations, I have never seen a female horse enthusiast that didn't put the horse before her husband (and just about everything else.) I don't really get it, it's just an observation. I doubt very highly that you will ever take a priority position over the beast.

You have a choice to make. Financial security or fulfilling relationship. If she flat-out tells you she doesn't care about your feelings, listen to her. She is at least being honest.

I think I would rather live in a studio apartment, eat Ramen and drive a bus pass than squander the "golden years" of my life with someone who was callously indifferent to my feelings. Your mileage may vary.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

redvik1212 said:


> though technically *we have a half open marriage that allows me to stay active*. She cut me off, but said* I could take care of my needs outside of the marriage *and she wouldn’t mind. She had simply lost interest and didn’t really care what I did. *At my age this is an option that really isn’t all that much of one.* All intimacy is lost. We’re cordial but for me it’s a strain.


Could you elaborate on the terms of your open marriage? Specifically, if she's okay with you meeting your need for intimacy outside the marriage. ..a.k.a. more than sex. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I don't hear any love shared... without that, what I hear from your sharing is that this more a financial relationship than a marriage.

I don't see how separation is going to be any more financial beneficial than retirement...

If she really doesn't care I would be surprised... this sounds like more a bullying ploy because it has worked in the past and she gets her way with the things that have been allowed. Bullies have every fear we have and are scared from their own insecurity in the beginning... in the end, they simply like the power that has been given them and fight to retain it.

There is nothing wrong with taking back that which is rightfully yours... self-love, self-respect, self-worth, this fight is a worthy one.

Break the cycle, this path is yours... you are a prisoner in a cell of your own false thoughts that only you accepted.

Whether you stay or go... pick up the key.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you want out, then get out and make it happen. How she chooses to deal with things is not your problem, she is a grownup and responsible for herself. If she cannot afford her horse on her own, then too bad. (I have been horseless for over 20 years now because I have not been able to afford it  )


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## redvik1212 (Nov 14, 2016)

While the open marriage relates to sex, on the assumtion no long term affair results, I doubt she has considered the potential consequences of me finding actual intimacy elsewhere.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Redvik, you have to be open and honest with your feelings. tell her if she doesn't care about you then you may well find love and intimacy elsewhere as a relationship is not just about the sex. If you find someone special, proceed, she obviously doesn't care for you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@redvik1212,

You're in the last half of life. Don't let others dictate it for you. 

Nothing will change until you do. What do you want for yourself?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I divorced after 45 years. I had lived a life of privilege for those decades but not anymore. Do I care? Nope. There are far more important things in my life than all the material possessions I once had. Most important, I finally have peace. That really is priceless. 

You may or may not decide to leave but, if you do, just know that there really can be a good life out there after a very long marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

PS

I have to warn you that if you decide to leave you'll be the bad guy and likely to be under great pressure from family and friends to stay together. I went through that but was determined to enjoy what's left of my life while I'm still relatively healthy. But everyone I know took it very hard and it was a very rough time. Even now, three years later, there are some friends that I've had to cut out of my life because of their continued animosity over my decision. Be prepared.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What should you do? Well, believe her for one. Find that sex, love, intimacy with another and with her blessing. 

Start looking for online dates. You will be surprised how quickly your entitled wife shifts her tune. Go out with other women, but first have one last talk with her about it being OK for you to seek female companionship elsewhere and record it so that she doesn't poison your kids against you. She will most certainly do this! What a bully she is!

Just do it, you will take your life back! You need to teach your entitled wife a very hard lesson. Please do record her agreeing that you step outside the marriage because she can't be bothered to take care of her spouses needs!


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