# Do i trust my husband?



## Crazy/confused (Jan 11, 2011)

Will try to make a long story a short one. I am sorry as it does require a bit of background info. 

Have been married to my husband for 5yrs, have a 9 month old baby. I am 39 and he is 31. I look good for my age i guess, slim and relatively attractive. (not putting tickets on myself however make that clear!!). Our relationship is very passionate, volatile but quite strong. We love each other deeply but do have a lot of trouble with fights. We have both become good friends with a girl who is 24, chubby but really attractive, and interesting, funny and intelligent. One night whilst the baby was sleeping at her nans, we three got drunk and ended up kissing each other, I approved of my husband kissing her in this instance. I am quite open minded and have had a very liberal sexual past, not with my husband but previously. I ended up passing out and my hubby assures me the kissing ended there. I think i believe him?!? My friend stated in the morning that she called an end to the kissing as it could have gotten out of hand. I said "could it have" and she said "yeah probably".

Another night we all were drunk again (we honestly don't do this often at all) and he followed my friend into the bathroom, turned off the light and kissed her. I caught them and told them I wasnt stupid. They initially denied it but later both apologised profusely and said it was just a spur of the moment drunken pash. He said that she actually tried to stop him. I was very angry and explained that it might have been fine if it wasnt behind my back and if he had have just asked. I was quite obviously drunk enough to repeat the previous playful stuff. I tried to salvage the night and not let it go down the drain by forgiving them quickly and joking around about it. The night however didn't get much better though with my hubby and i having a huge fight about something else (quite obviously with the underlying issue not yet being sorted out). 

Anyway i moved on enough that we are all still friends. It is hard to explain this as my husband kind of needs a good friend right now. He has issues with depression which i cant always be sympathetic to. He also lost a very dear friend a little while ago. He has very intense relationships with all his friends. He gets very close very quickly and sees and speaks to them all frequently. I have warned him to be responsible and aware of where his friendship is going with her. 

She is a massive texter and texts him and i multiple times a day. With a baby however i dont have as much time it seems as him to text her back. I have looked at the texts she sends him and it is all innocent enough banter. Though i have also found he deletes texts and has pulled the phone away from me when I picked it up. This i explained to him makes me even more suspicious. He said they were texts about me when we were fighting and he didnt want me to get hurt by his angry words. He states that he doesnt delete anymore texts. He keeps his phone with him or on him at ALL times. The only time when i can get to his phone is in the middle of the night whilst he is asleep. 

I got very jealous and upset when they went out to a movie together even though i approved of it. He also said he didn't relax and enjoy the night as he knew i would have been worried. He explained that he should never have gone and he regretted it as all it did was cause further suspicion. We have also gotten through this and slowly i am beginning to trust him again around her. You have to understand that she is trying very hard to still be a good friend to me. She is in a deteriorating relationship with a mutual friend of ours. We have gone shopping and spent time by ourselves and all is fine. 

Both my husband and her still keep texting each other about rubbish and jokes etc, and also talk about her relationship. The texts get silly but not necessarily flirty. In person they are a little more flirty i guess but as my husband and her are jokers and very funny they are constantly teasing each other etc. I have to say that something innocent came up last night when we were all 3 together again but it looked like they were trying to cover up that they had spoken to each other the day before. 

I have had a conversation with my husband about when friendships can go places you didnt expect or you didnt mean them to go. He says he understands and that they are just friends, he is not attracted to her due to her weight and he adamantly states the drunken pash was a huge mistake where he took the fun stuff we had done previously too far. 

I need some feedback as to whether or not to trust my husband with this friendship, how to make it easier for me to trust him, and how to go about asking him about the friendship and what is going on without him becoming defensive.

I try very hard to not be the paranoid jealous wife and give my husband liberties where other women wouldn't. I am intelligent and not a push over but wonder if i am trusting both of them when i shouldn't be.


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## Crazy/confused (Jan 11, 2011)

Please reply somebody?!?! I need some opinions quickly as this is kind of doing my head in!! Thanks in advance!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

If they must hide things, or make excuses for any behavior, then they are crossing lines. If they must apologize for 'mistakes' they are crossing lines. 

But in reality, this is a decision you must make for yourself. Infidelity is defined as "..."acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)."

In a marriage, your affection and loyalty must be given 100% to your spouse, and no one else. Is this going on? 

Do you have any clearly established boundaries? Is your husband willing to stop his behavior if he finds that it is hurting you? If so, and this is hurting you - then why has it not stopped?


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## hkbaker (Dec 10, 2010)

OK, here it goes. What did you think would happen? You give her husband "permission" to kiss the girl you both obviously want to go further than that. 

[vent][sarcasm]ok, other posters please take notice of this; notice the double spacing above? This is called a paragraph. To help the reader *understand and enjoy it*, the explanation or narration is broken down into units of text, the paragraph[/sarcasm]sorry, had to put this in for all of our contributors who use the "run on paragraph" method.[/vent]

I think you need to layout your boundaries to your husband. After all, you're both drinking and kissing another girl. He's a guy, drunk, and his wife and him are kissing another girl together. No offense, but that is like "I had no idea I could get pregnant if we didn't use birth control. 

I know, extreme scenario, but you get the point. Better yet, don't pass out. I'm 40 as well as my married drinking friends and first one to pass out is fair game....j/k

Tell him what is "fair game" from the get-go.


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## Crazy/confused (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks to both of you for your well written replies. It has given me a lot to think about.

I suppose i was "pushing" my own boundaries within the marriage by kissing and allowing my husband to kiss another woman. I guess this is due to extremely low self esteem since having the baby. Although my body has gotten back into shape my mind/ego seems to have lost all of its previous confidence. I believe i may have been attempting to reignite a fire within me and within our (my husband and my) relationship. Of course it all backfired didn't it - typical fires!!!

I believe my husband will do anything to make me happy and not hurt but he is definitely getting confused by me. One minute i tell him to continue their close friendship as i dont want him to lose another friend, and another minute i am checking his messages and acting like he is betraying me. 

I agree i have acted 'dumb' to believe that i wasn't tempting fate what with being drunk, kissing a girl in front of my husband, allowing him to kiss her etc etc. What red blooded man wouldn't get a little over excited? 

Maybe need to cut down on the amount of drinks, set some boundaries and stop attempting to act cool about something i am not so comfortable about. 

The only problem about this is I myself probably enjoy a bit of "fun" when it is consensual between my husband and i and doesn't go any further than that. 

Grrrr - damn my ironic desires of the flesh!


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## hkbaker (Dec 10, 2010)

Crazy/confused said:


> Grrrr - damn my ironic desires of the flesh!


There is nothing wrong with you having the feeling that you don't want you hubby to go beyond kissing her, but you might, given the right circumstances, could go beyond that with this girl, if, *you tell him upfront*

Yes, it is double stadard-ish, but if you let him know up front, he may say either a) well if i can't, you can't. No harm, no foul, right?Or, b) that's cool with me, I have always fantasized about you with another girl, I'm just fine watching...or something along those lines.

I don't know, it's easy for me to say, because my personality allows me to say whats on my mind without concern(this has gotten me into so many predicaments, it's not even...well, you know.

Tell him, tell him, tell him. He's your husband and wants/deserves to know what makes it slick for want of a better term.


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## Crazy/confused (Jan 11, 2011)

Well the answer was a shocking, devastating, heartbreaking, loud NO!!! NO I SHOULD NOT HAVE TRUSTED MY HUSBAND!!!

5 days ago i found out from a strangers email to me that he has been cheating with our best friend. He has been cheating for approx 1 month and a half. He has sent dirty texts to her, sent dirty emails to her, sent her pictures of his erect penis, received texts, emails and pics from her. He has kissed her secretly, met her for coffees, for lunch, and has slept with her at least twice. One of these times was after the pash in the spa that i approved of whilst i was passed out on the bed. 

The strangers email just told me about the emails and pictures my husband had sent not the rest of the sordid affair. i confronted my husband and he denied it. Again! I kicked him out of the house and asked him to leave his phone behind. I found very dirty texts sent more than a month ago. When he came back in the morning i asked how many times they had slept together. He went silent. I knew the truth and my heart shattered into a million places. He confirmed they had slept together twice. 

He has denied anything was occurring so many times. Throughout the whole time!! I became very suspicious after catching them kissing in the bathroom. Every time i commented, questioned, accused, or asked during the entire time he has been cheating, he has denied it. He has made me feel stupid, guilty, jealous, nasty, suspicious all whilst he was cheating and could have come clean. He promised me that nothing inappropriate was going on so many times i've lost count. He swore on our baby's life that nothing was going on so many times i've also lost count. 

The girl was coming around a lot and spending so much time with us posing as my friend, as well as his friend. She took me shopping, babysat, was going to babysit for our 5 year anniversary which occurred during this time, bought my little girl presents, ate dinner with us etc etc. 

Sorry i cant write anymore right now as i am distraught. I will have to go and continue another time.


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

Crazy, I know exactly how you feel. I have been through this month. Don't break anything like I did. Go find a boxing gym and beat the hell out of a punching bag to relieve some stress.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It sucks. Big time. Hope all works out for you.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I think that it is a dangerous game you play when you introduce another partner into your sex life (even just for kissing). I know, because I always had a fantasy about watching my wife with another guy (she has done this once before with her first husband when she was much younger) and never shared it with her until about 6 months ago. She did not want to do it, and said it contributed to her divorcing her first husband. 

I pushed and pushed her until she finally agreed to "just kiss" her former co worker in front of me. By the advice of people on this site, I decided to not go through with it, and told her to cancel the whole thing. I think it would have been very hard to stop at just kissing and I would have been inviting her to have an affair with him, even though he lives 2,000 miles away. She was pissed at me because she had already asked him, but we didn't do it.

She now has become close friends with him (via the phone and texting) and they talk nightly. She even had to go to his city last fall for work, and she says they only went out to dinner, but who really knows? I suspect they may have done something but have no way of really ever knowing. I have no one to blame but myself.

The reason I'm telling you this is you really are sending your husband mixed signals when you allow him to kiss another woman in front of you. I think you should either allow him to be intimate with her or not (only you can make that decision) but be very careful about it if you decide to let him. I think you have to have a very strong marriage in order for this kind of thing to work. I know my marriage would probably not survive it , evern if it was a fantasy of mine. 

It sounds to me as if you don't want him doing anything with another women, so make sure he understands that, and what the consequences will be if he does. Good luck!


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Crazy, I hate to say it but I could have predicted the outcome. It's a lesson to be learned. My wife always says "men & women can't be friends. At some point, one will want to sleep with the other." While this may not be true in every case, and there are always exceptions, I suspect this is often the case.

Regarding "her" being "chubby", most men will tap anything that lets them! The drinking and emotional connection that they established, made her looks less important.

In the future, if you feel the need to play with fire, go to a strip club and goof around there. Those girls are pros. When you leave, you leave with him and you leave the termoil behind.

Goodluck.


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