# Trust Issues



## BoltToBolt (May 9, 2014)

We've been married 18 months.
I pushed to combine our finances.
I earn 80% of the income. We pay bills, including costs for her children (for whom she doesn't try to collect child support) out of a joint account.
She has been single for a number of years.
She has retained her retirement account, a couple of checking accounts and a credit card that I am not allowed access to. She says she couldn't stand it if I criticized her spending.
Her "private" credit card is paid out of our joint account.
She says she isn't being dishonest cause she tells me about the accounts existence and approximately what the balances are.
I have given her access to everything of mine. She refuses to return the openness even though I have said it will kill the relationship.
I am looking for a reason for it not to.
Fact is, it makes me not believe anything she says because it makes me think she is keeping secrets.
what would you do?


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

BoltToBolt said:


> We've been married 18 months.
> I pushed to combine our finances.
> I earn 80% of the income. We pay bills, including costs for her children (for whom she doesn't try to collect child support) out of a joint account.
> She has been single for a number of years.
> ...


If I were you, I'd prevent her from using your joint account to pay her private credit card. If that's means separating your finances, then so be it.

By the way, you probably should have had this discussion before you were married.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening BoltToBolt
Its important that people agree on a system for handling money in a marriage, otherwise conflicts are sure to follow. People use a number of different schemes.

In my case we combined all money and debts when we married and combine all income. Then we pay all expenses out of the combined funds.

We set aside an equal amount of money for each of us to use as we please - and track those costs. 


Other schemes work as well. Just be sure that the system still works and is fair if one spouse looses their job, inherits a ton of money, or gets a higher income.

One couple I know screwed it up. They kept separate accounts and split expenses. Then he made a ton of money from stock options. Now he is retired and pays expenses from his accumulated wealth, and she still works full time. Its "fair" in an economic sense, but it doesn't feel fair.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Tell her you want to make a "family" budget that aggressively pays down, then eventually off, the debt. While this happens tell her no more spending on credit/accumulating more debt. 

If she insists on racking-up more debt (you said she tells you balances which means they aren't at zero) tell her to pay for it by getting an order for support and that you won't fund her / pay her acct. when she accumulates more debt.

I realize you didn't discuss finances prior to M, so you too can then do what you like in an attempt to clear this spending and debt issue. If she's not willing to share her financial life with you now that you're married, what else is she keeping from you that you aren't aware of?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Want2StayMarried (Oct 14, 2014)

If you are worried about the finances to such a state where you want to know what's going on just look at her statements, or if she is doing all that online try looking at the Standard Evidence Post to see how to access it if she won't tell you and you pay for it and are married, so I believe may on some level be responsible for it as well. I do all the financial stuff, but all the accounts are kept separately except our car. It's easier to keep track of and I know what I spend, he is the wild card.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Bolt, you married a very selfish and inconsiderate woman. Stop letting her dictate and causing distrust. Be the man and stop it in 5 seconds, because she is unfair and her actions show she does not value the relationship. I would consider divorce if she is unwilling to show you due respect.


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