# Seperated pending divorce drew the sand in the line took the power



## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Been married for nine years. I am very co dependent and had several conversations to try to fix but never did. After 9 years she checked out, she moved out and filled out but did not file divorce paperwork yet. Ive done all the begging and barging one can handle. Her responses have been she is moving on because she would only come back for the kids and to make my mental being better again and any rebuilding would be futile. But once in a while she will randomly check in to say hi. found a great co dependent article how to fix all my issues which I intend to take to my counselor. I accidently sent it to her she said its a great article hope it helps. I told her sister checked out of her 14 year marriage and checked back in recently and her husband changed. She helped raise my boys for 9 years and wants to stay in their lives as long as they want her too. Here is what I sent her followed by. Take this as the the starting point to rebuilding us the end of it, Im leaving the ball on the court. 

I'm professionally getting help and it's not good enough. I will have power and independence soon and it's not good enough. You can change your mind you just don't want to. It's all about perspective like you said . I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Take more time away the more the better. Let's work on things slowly let me go to counseling complete it then well go together. I know you love me still I will love you till the day I die! Don't file be the Taurus you are and Leo I am and let's put our all it will work! Give it time like you said! Yeah CPR was done but not the right way. I will be the man I need to be which is what you need. Look at other people we know they all fixed and work now. We together are a dynamic force. I want to do everything right and have you reap the benefits. I want you to be you and me to be the new me. That will work . Your sister checked out she checked bAck in so can you , take your time. Her husband changed so am I, im not given the final chance he was given multitude and made it so can I. I'm not begging I'm telling you this will work. Use this time apart individually to get our wants and needs in line then put the puzzle back together. Like your friend told me said before she stopped taking to me you does not want to be single. You says your self a while back on a girls night change your positivity to us and you individually so will I. Stop the bleeding and begin to heal rebuild. A family in Oklahoma didn't leave when there house got ripped down by a tornado , they rebuilt. I'm sorry I'm not letting go it's too great too!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

N
Best chance for you is to not contact her. Its hard. But emails like that only push them further away. Im speaking from experience. I did the same thing. If I could do it over, I would not contact my ex ever. And when I did talk 2 her I would act like I was happy and content. It's your only hope.


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Yeah your right. I have followed and not followed that rule. I was to the point where I put all my cards on the table. So if she comes back and says no, "my response will be great then so it is, I guess what is left to be seen is how you want the kids and I in your lives going forward. " I know where all this stems from her loosing a ton a weight finding herself and waking up into a midlife crisis. She even said during our intial sepration talk she was fighting her own deomons on top of being burned out. She has stayed at her parents for 2 weeks now goes out with friends all the time cause she is free, so the way I see it she is being free and codependent to her friends. Interesting how a independent wife and mother went to codependent free bird.


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

I may not followed her rules, but I can say I went down swinging like a man, and faught for my woman. She just choose to not want it anymore. I drew the line and don't intented touching the line we share finances for the next 8 months due to a house lease that's all Intend to talk about if the answer is no


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## kimh (Oct 27, 2013)

Hi DADX2, 

My husband of 17 years left me and my 2 children 2 months ago. I have read EVERYTHING I can get my hands on about separation/winning them back. Many people have suggested "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner Davis, and her "180 Rules", and I found similar rules in "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer MacDonald. I have been trying these for the last couple of weeks, and see improvements already.

These authors suggest an approach radically different from what you are doing right now. Here are the "180 Rules" as were sent to me in a posting:

THE 180's:
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS (betrayed spouse) begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

*Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
*No frequent phone calls.
*Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
*Don't follow her/him around the house.
*Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
*Don't ask for help from the family members of your 
WS (wayward spouse).
*Don't ask for reassurances.
*Don't buy or give gifts.
*Don't schedule dates together.
*Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain 
in your head you can see that he/she is at this particular
moment, not very loveable.
*Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin
moving on with your life!
*Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
*Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go
out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
*When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, 
No matter how much you want to!
*If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, 
ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
*Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the 
fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions 
as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are 
you are moving on with your life - without them!
*Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. 
*Don't always be so available! Your spouse will notice. More 
important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
*No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they 
would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual 
but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they 
have value.
*All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your 
spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a 
while). Initiate no such conversation!
*Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming 
or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be 
in control of the only thing you can control - YOURSELF!
*Don't be overly enthusiastic.
*Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes 
their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
*Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your 
spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are 
saying! Listen and then listen some more!
*Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when 
you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one 
ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
*Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other 
parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
*Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
*Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting 
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
*Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 
It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they 
just don't care!
*Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% 
of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives 
and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember 
that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they 
know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything 
they can to justify their behavior.
*Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It 
"ain't over till it's over!"
*Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain 
consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that 
delivers the message.
*When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the 
wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral 
outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the 
pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. 
This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much 
more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that 
you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more 
important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in 
which they believe that they can always come back to you in 
case things don't work out with the OM/OW." 

Know that if you can do these 180s, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Good luck DADX2, keep posting - we'll be wondering how you are doing.


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

ive read the 180 and have balanced on and off it. But at this point im on board. Even if it fixes me on my own for the future thank you!


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

At this point the sand line i drew will be the fix all or end all. Whats funny is she filled out the paperwork last week as has yet to file.


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

So the wife told me 10 days ago she filled out the paperwork and was going to go down to file and wanted to get it out of the way because the end is now. Well 10 days has passed with no filling. Why the delay? Money is not the problem...
[Reply]
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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I would file first if you can. Even if you dont want it


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You didn't send that letter, did you?


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You didn't send that letter, did you?


Yes I did last week. That's when she said was going to file which was 10 days ago. She wanted to get it going now delay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DADX2 said:


> Yes I did last week. That's when she said was going to file which was 10 days ago. She wanted to get it going now delay?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you don't want a divorce, why worry about it?

What do you like to do?


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## DADX2 (Oct 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> If you don't want a divorce, why worry about it?
> 
> What do you like to do?


I'm going to counseling third session Tomm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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