# Lost



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I am so confused and don't know what to do. This may be a little scattered and I'll probably leave some stuff out, sorry about that.

Short version: My wife had an EA that turned into a PA. It is more of an EA now because he is in Iraq with the Army.

I found out about it and confronted her. Told her she needs to choose him or me. 
She tells me her head wants to be with me, but her heart wants to be with him.
She says she wishes she had a switch in her heart so she could turn him off and turn me on.
She tells me she hopes I will always be her friend, she says she cannot live without me in her life.
She rarely says "I love you", and when she does she gets this look on her face like "oh crap I didn't mean to say that." I'm starting not to want to say it anymore, and rarely do.

Someone the OM is in Iraq with has threatened to tell his wife. He says he saw them using Skype and emails. He is married and recently told my wife to stop contacting him because of this. Did she stop? No, she just got a new email address and used a guys name. Content didn't change though. Don't think he has replied to any of that. If I were him, each additional email would piss me off more. "Thanks for respecting my wishes." Anyway, that's a little off topic.
He told me he has tried to break it off a couple times.

Here is what I am struggling with. I don't know if I still love her, the longer this goes on the less I feel love for her. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her, but do I still want to spend the rest of my life with her? I promised to take care of her, if I don't love her and don't want to be married to her anymore how do I keep that promise? If she moves on and is with someone else, then my responsibility to take care of her ends. 

There are days I just want to stop living this hurts so much, not that I would hurt myself, just go to sleep and not wake up.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I do want to give you some hope. My wife had an affair, but was repentant and we are doing really good now. If BOTH parties are willing to save the marriage, it can happen.

Here is the problem. She's not to that point yet of working on it, because she's in the fantasy world of the affair. It's like a drug that clouds her mind and she does NOT think clearly.



losinglove said:


> I found out about it and confronted her. Told her she needs to choose him or me.
> She tells me her head wants to be with me, but her heart wants to be with him.
> She says she wishes she had a switch in her heart so she could turn him off and turn me on.
> She tells me she hopes I will always be her friend, she says she cannot live without me in her life.
> She rarely says "I love you", and when she does she gets this look on her face like "oh crap I didn't mean to say that." I'm starting not to want to say it anymore, and rarely do.


Above is that fog. She probably even feels guilty for saying she loves you because it would like "cheating" on the OM.




losinglove said:


> Here is what I am struggling with. I don't know if I still love her, the longer this goes on the less I feel love for her. Don't get me wrong, I still care about her, but do I still want to spend the rest of my life with her? I promised to take care of her, if I don't love her and don't want to be married to her anymore how do I keep that promise? If she moves on and is with someone else, then my responsibility to take care of her ends.


This is totally normal, because she has totally eroded whatever love she has invested in you with this betrayal. You have every right to walk away from this marriage. But I expect this other relationship will burn out. Maybe it already has, I didn't know if I understood from your original post correctly or not, but is the OM the one who has told her to stop emailing? If so, She will eventually wind up with nothing, neither the OM or you and the fantasy world she built up for herself will have crashed around her.

If she gets to that point she may be able to turn around and start showing you that love again. The question then is would you be willing to accept it?

Please read some posts by Tanelornpete and Affaircare, they are far more articulate then me. And look into getting the book: Surviving an Affair by Willard F. Harley

Even if you end up deciding it's not worth saving, the book will help you process a lot of whats happening.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. It kind of helps and gives some hope.

Yes, the OM told her to stop contacting him.

I have read many of Tanelornpete and Affaircare's posts. They seem very right on with much of their advice.

I'll look into that book.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I just read your other post that had some of the other details. Again I'm so sorry. I would never wish going through any of this on my worst enemy.

It helps that he's cut off communication. But if that alone doesn't make her come to her senses, asking her to leave for a time of separation might be needed. If only for her to realize what she would be losing. (But I know that might be tricky with the kids) 

She's in the process of losing the "grass on the other side" and might still need the wake up call that if she doesn't start doing her part to fix things, that she will lose you too.

Hang in there. I know it hurts a lot, but either way, there are better days to come.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

The guy the OM is in Iraq with told the OM's wife. I don't know what affect this is going to have. Will it prolong her fantasy and give her hope? 

I guess he told her again no messages at all because his wife has access to his email now. Not sure what else he told her. She has been more open with me lately about what he tells her.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing or a could go either way thing?


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

can i just ask how you found out about it???


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

about what, the affair or that the OM's wife was told?

The affair - Things were getting a little weird at home. A couple nights she would be out at the computer im'ing with him and come to bed and want to have sex really bad. Then one night I just asked her. She lied, and somehow I knew. Didn't sleep at all that night. The next day at work in my exhausted state everything seemed to be so clear. I told her when I got home I knew she lied and asked why. She got this terrified look on her face.

How the OM's wife was told - my wife told me.


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

about the affair.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Things were getting a little weird at home. A couple nights she would be out at the computer im'ing with him (that should have been a clue in itself) and come to bed and want to have sex really bad. Then one night I just asked her. She lied, and somehow I knew. Didn't sleep at all that night. The next day at work in my exhausted state everything seemed to be so clear. I told her when I got home I knew she lied and asked why. She got this terrified look on her face.

Let me also add that on some level I "knew" longer than before I confronted her. Things between us were not that good and we were sweeping our problems under the rug.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find out his wife's contact info, and call her and tell her what her husband is doing and that they continue to contact, and that he continues to see other people. 

If your wife is still contacting him, call her parents and ask them to help you help her see her way clear of the fog the affair is surrounding her with. Until she stops all contact with him, she will never clear her mind and turn back to see you. If she hears it from her parents, it will hit home.


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## fullcircle (Mar 8, 2010)

OK, I'll try to remain respectful and calm here but I am finding it difficult to understand some of the thinking going on here.
This OM in Iraq has obviously had a bit of an off the rails experience and tasted the fruits of the "forbidden" so to speak. Now he has had that he has got past the initial thrill of it all and realized what he had to lose. He is now in panic mode trying to patch things up at home and sadly this woman (who is being spoke about like some naughty child who has taken drugs) has been taken in by his charms and dumped at the side of the road for her husband to pick up. I am not saying she is innocent but LL said himself that it seemed like there were problems before this happened. That is not an excuse to go looking for an affair but in reality that is where the problem began. LL's wife is a person who has gone through a crazy emotional roller coaster and although what she did was wrong she is not just going to wake up and shake her head and say "oh my gosh were was I" after you lock her in a room and tell everyone to stay away from her until she is "better" or this "drug" wares off. She is most likely now feeling like she has been used and abandoned by the OM and and confused about were her life is going right now just as much as LL.
The point I am trying to make here is it is like listening to a bunch of parents getting there heads together to decide how to deal with the disobedient child who is obviously embarrassingly out of control. 
Not saying I have the answers but a little consideration and understand for what got her in this position in the first place and what she may be going through might help to understand what she needs to hear to understand that she has everything she needs with her H.
Don't get me wrong LL, you sound like a decent guy who is going through a great deal of pain and stress right now, but it will be very easy for you to begin to focus on what she needs to do to make amends as apposed to what you can do to save your marriage. 
It's very easy to point out the problems with the "cheater" but finding a way to continue loving that person and figuring out what you can do to support them will show you in a light leagues above the OM in my book. And show her that you are a husband that will stand by her through all situations. And before I get slated, I am not suggesting to allow her to continue in any way with the OM. But you need to find out how to get her to stop because she value's you in the way the OM is obviously now valuing his wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Asking her parents to talk to her IS showing her love. It's getting the people she cares about the most to bring some reality to her situation, and get her to see they won't be ok with it - suddenly the bubble bursts and she sees this OM will never be welcomed home to Thanksgiving. People who get into an affair get a 'fog' in front of their eyes. They rewrite history; all of a sudden, instantly even, their spouse of X years has been a mistake all along, they just never realized it. You can't logic with such a person - not until the OM is out of the picture and the WS is allowed to wean herself from the OM's 'influence' (even if he's not participating). 

This IS how to get her to stop. She won't do it on her own.
Telling the OM's wife is so that she will help ensure that the OM REALLY never contacts ll's wife, since OM's wife will be watching his actions.

My advice is necessary because the contact HAS to stop or else she will never wake up and see what she is throwing away.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

update:
I got the book and started reading it. I didn't even get 10 pages in and was like, holy crap, I said/though/felt these things...She has said and told me she felt these things.

The OM's wife sent a message to my wife, calling her a ***** and said she hopes our daughter turns out nothing like her. This has really pissed me off and I'm not able to let it go. First of all, she should not have brought the kids into this. Second Don't talk to my wife that way. The OM's wife is convinced she has done nothing wrong and is one of those people who's mind you cannot change. She also has the ability to convince others that she is correct. Luckily it won't work on me and my wife.


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## Photoninja (Mar 21, 2010)

Well first I just want to say I am very sorry that you had to go though all this, and that when a person is unfaithful is hurts in places we never expected too. It changes things we might not even notice for years. About your last post, it sounds like the OM's wife is acting out because she feels hurt and betrayed, and confronting your wife probably seemed like the only thing she had control of. I have been cheated on many many times and i know that hating the other woman is just a reaction out of fear, she probably thinks if she scares your wife it will heal the break in her own marriage, but even if your wife never contacted her husband again. He will find someone else. That is one hard lesson I learned about cheaters, if they don't want to change then nothing can make them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

losinglove said:


> update:
> I got the book and started reading it. I didn't even get 10 pages in and was like, holy crap, I said/though/felt these things...She has said and told me she felt these things.
> 
> The OM's wife sent a message to my wife, calling her a ***** and said she hopes our daughter turns out nothing like her. This has really pissed me off and I'm not able to let it go. First of all, she should not have brought the kids into this. Second Don't talk to my wife that way. The OM's wife is convinced she has done nothing wrong and is one of those people who's mind you cannot change. She also has the ability to convince others that she is correct. Luckily it won't work on me and my wife.


WTF?!

Do I have this right? The OM's wife - who is a VICTIM JUST LIKE YOU emailed your wife and you are MAD at the OM's WIFE?

NOT YOUR WIFE?

OM's wife did NOT have the affair - your WIFE did. You are blaming his wife...why?


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

OK, let me see if I can explain this a little better. What really pissed me off is that she brought our daughters into it. The kids are the only by standers in this situation. So YEA I am pissed at the OM's wife.

I'm past being angry at my wife, at times it comes up but for the most part not angry. 

I would consider the OM a serial cheater, my wife is the third he has had an affair with, and his wife always says it's not his fault, he was seduced by another woman. So yea I'm a little pissed at her that she goes off on my wife but sees her husband as some kind of innocent person taken advantage of. By now I would consider her as choosing to be the victim.

I don't know if you read Surviving and Affair, but that book is describing my situation almost exactly. With the exception that the OM is married. I don't consider myself a victim, there has to be some other word for it. Yea, me ignoring my wifes needs didn't give her the right to have an affair. But I also don't completely blame her. Can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in her situation, in fact I was close at one point.


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## fullcircle (Mar 8, 2010)

losinglove said:


> OK, let me see if I can explain this a little better. What really pissed me off is that she brought our daughters into it. The kids are the only by standers in this situation. So YEA I am pissed at the OM's wife.
> 
> I'm past being angry at my wife, at times it comes up but for the most part not angry.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Good for you LL !


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