# Things are worse than I thought



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I recently started a thread about H overreacting to a small incident. Well today, here we are again, but it's worse than I imagined. I will admit that I've avoided posting about some of our real issues because they are embarrassing and I'm afraid of hearing the truth because it's tough to face. 

Not sure where to start, but I guess background first. He is 42, I am 40,we've been together 3 years, married for one. I have 3 daughters (18 & 16 y/o twins) and he has one son (13). The girls love with us, his son is in AZ. We moved to Germany almost 4 months ago. This is the second marriage for both of us. Mine ended 13 years ago due to his cheating, his ended probably as long ago for infidelity on her part, compounded by issues surrounding his alcoholism. He'd been sober for 3 when I'd met him. He's in the military and he's gone a lot. 

I've been noticing issues lately, which is why I got on TAM in the first place. We got married in March 2015 and he left for Army stuff in May for 6 months. He returned mid November and we had a wild rush of preparing to move, getting the house ready to rent, etc. We got on a nasty fight one day over pretty much nothing, but it got so blown out of protein that he ended up throwing his wedding band out the car window on the highway. He dropped me off at my parents house (where we were staying for a couple weeks during the transition) and left. I found him that night at our house, painting (prepping the house for rent) and drinking. I was extremely disappointed and concerned about him and our marriage. He made a bunch of promises and he went and replaced his wedding band that weekend. I forgave him because I love him and we agreed to move forward. 

Well, things have been rocky since we arrived here. He hates his unit, the country, the people, the language, everything. On top of it, he's always having to leave for work. He's already been gone collectively for 8 out of the 15 weeks we've been here. It's been stressful for us both. 

We've had a few more arguments lately than usual and he gets very mean with his words. He's says some very hateful things. Then, he apologizes and says he doesn't understand why he is so mean to me, that he loves me, etc. I always forgive him, and the cycle repeats. It's very hard to deal with because when he's happy, he's wonderful, but when he's mad, he's like a monster. 

Today, things were fine. My daughter dirtied a dish as we were getting ready to go on a family outing and he made a big fuss and acted like a jerk. I tried unsuccessfully to smooth things over. The girls and I went out for the day. When we came home, he was gone and there was two six packs of beer in the fridge, 4 empties on counter. My girls went to a friend's house and he got home shortly after. He was drunk. I asked him to talk and he became very hateful and basically told me to leave. "Roll the f*ck out" to be exact. I'm assume he came home from being out drinking because he was pretty slurred and glassy eyed and doing stupid things. He ended up throwing a box of pasta all over the kitchen, threw all his credit cards, drivers license, and money into the trash, and smashed his phone on the floor. Then he laid on couch and feel asleep. 

We live in a weird set up where we basically rent two seperate upstairs/downstairs apartments with seperate entrances (the girls stay downstairs, we stay upstairs). I moved my things downstairs until he leaves on Monday evening. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I love him and I want to work things out, but when we've talked in the past, he seems to think things are hopeless. Now, add the drinking and it's worse. He seems very self destructive right now and I'm worried about him.

I want to give him an ultimatum, because I know it'll be suggested, but I know I won't follow through on it, and I'll just look stupid. I want to save my marriage, but I know I can't do it on my own. I don't know how to approach him, or if I even should. I've never dealt with alcoholism and I feel pretty lost and hopeless myself right now.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Oh, I left out that he leaves on Monday evening for a few days and will be back Friday evening. I plan on having no contact with him until his return on Friday so we both have time to think things through.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gosh. I wonder why his first marriage failed?

She cheated on him, right?

Really? You have proof of that, other than his claims?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I'd be more concerned about your daughters' safety if I were you. He sounds violent and volatile. He broke his phone? It won't be long before he physically assaults you, I'm sorry to say. Do you really want to subject your girls to this? Can you move back to the US? Stay with your folks?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is a violent alcoholic. He was able to hide it from you before, but now that you have been married for a while he feels no need to hide it from you. What you are seeing now is who he really is. Yes there are people who do this.. they don't show their true self until they feel they have you in a situation under which they can control you.

The best advice I could give you is to get your children and leave. Return to the USA. Then file for divorce.

There is no fixing a man (or woman) who behaves the way your husband does.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I doubt he was "sober" when you met him. Even if he was, do you know what you get when an a$$hole gets sober and doesn't work a program? A sober a$$hole; a.k.a. a "dry drunk."

Your husband is in the military and hates the country, the people, the language, his unit, blah, blah, blah ... AND HE'S IN THE MILITARY????

I'm sure he's been in his fair share of different countries with different cultures and languages. What you are hearing is what we in Al-Anon call "quacking." It's what alcoholics do to justify their drinking and anger.

I was an Army wife. Until my husband's alcoholism progressed to the point that he started hating the Army, he was fine. And he didn't hate the Army. He hated his life and he hated himself.

The voice of experience speaking here: If you stay with this jerk, you will see and hear things you never thought possible. Trust me. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.

Yes, you may love the "nice" guy, but I assure you that you will see him less and less. Get ready for a roller coaster ride to insanity.

I left my husband 6.5 years ago. He died last January. Drank himself to death. Me? I regained my sanity and I love the life I have now. It's not easy, but I own it without a loony drunk disrespecting my person and my boundaries.

Something to consider ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You have only been married a year? You guys should be in the honeymoon stage. I have a feeling his alcoholism was the main reason his first marriage broke up He may have been able to hide his drinking but you knew his work schedule. His drinking should be a deal breaker for you and your children. He is mean and violent and it's only going to get worse. You can't love him enough to get him to stop drinking. Tell him that you will be leaving unless he gets sober. He probably needs to go into a treatment program. If he refuses then leave him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've always wondered how the spouses of the people who murder their entire families and then commit suicide don't see something coming. Maybe it's because they're so desperate to save the marriage they lose sight of everything else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your daughters?

I just want to add…. What you are doing is teaching your daughters that this is how a man treats a woman. After all their mother is putting up with it. So they are learning this is what they can expect when they grow up and marry. Is that what you want your daughters to learn?

Or do you want them to learn that their mother is a strong woman who will not allow herself to be abused and that their mother is a mother lion who will protect her daughters at all cost?.... you do this my leaving him NOW. And you tell your daughters why you left him.. no woman has to put up with being abused. no woman has to put up with an angry, mean abusive drunk.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

If you aren't prepared to leave him for good then be prepared to live in hell. And send your children to live with their dad. You can make the destructive choice to live with a violent alcoholic, but you have no business making your children do that.

Or you can leave him, and have a chance at a happy life.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Thanks for the brutal honesty. For those of you who are saying I'm putting my kids in danger, let me reiterate that they live in an apartment seperate from us. He does not have a key or access to us at this point. I also want to say once again that he's never been violent up until last night and never towards me. He's also never driven drunk before either, so after last night, he's proven he's capable of more than I thought possible. My daughters know I'm a strong woman through plenty of my experiences during 16 years of single mother hood, based on lots more, but including, my relationships. Again, there is a reason this is my first experience with this kind of behavior. (Sending them with their "father" is not an option as he has been 100% absent from their lives for 15 years.)

He may not have been sober when I met him. I don't know now. I've never seen him with a drink other than the two incidents I talked about. Of course he may have always been drinking and I was unaware of it....? Or very possibly drinking during our military seperations. He'd called me while he was away for a 6 month period (this was in September or October last year)saying that he wanted to drink. We talked it out, and I asked him to go to an AA meeting. He said he felt he had a handle on it, and me being naive to this kind of thing, i trusted that he was ok. Other than that, it's never come up until recently. That conversation should've cued me to where this was headed. 

Logistically speaking, the living arrangement is worked out for now with the seperate apartment (although it isn't an superb arrangement, it'll do for now). My eldest daughter graduates in 3 months. I don't want to move them from school again right now (after just moving here 4 months ago in the middle of the school year). Also, when I left the states, I left a good paying full time job. I had someone sign a year lease on my house (the house is in my name, I bought it before I met him, so that isn't a problem), but i can't get back in there until January 2017 at the earliest. Currently I have a mid-pay part time job (32 hours weekly). I need to save up enough money to survive once I go back home, if that's what I decide to do. I'm sure he'll help me get back home, but I don't want to rely on that some he's acting like someone I don't even know. I also am about 6 months short of finishing my bachelor's degree. In that time, my car will also be paid off. So there is more to it than just up and leaving. I cannot leave here and not be set up for life somewhere else. 

He'll be gone all this week, and then for sure mid May-mid June, and probably more TDY in between. I think I keep hoping things will change before then. Wishful thinking I'm sure. It'll probably only get worse. I feel like an idiot for being in this position, a half a world away from my home, and now with nothing to show for it. So dumb.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Matt Matt, his mom told me she had cheated also. She'd actually moved her OM into their house while he was deployed to Iraq. He's admitted that his drinking probably led to her cheating.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Prodigal, I looked up dry drunk. And that is him. You are so right.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Once he crosses the line to violence there is no going back.
I think he's starting to spiral out of control and you and your girls are going to be caught in that spiral.
Do you have anyone you could stay with locally when he is home for those periods of time?

I really do think you need to get to get out of there.
Other posters are right...you are teaching your girls exactly how not to have a man treat you.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I don't have anywhere to go. I'm in a new country, been here less than 4 months. I'm kind of stuck for now.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

The best I can do is stay at the other apartment which is what I'm doing.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is a miserable SOB, his hates his life and the fact he has no control to change it, he feels stuck and is resentful. He takes that resentment out on you because it's "safe" in his mind, he can't strike out at the rest of the world without repercussions so he lashes out at you because you keep forgiving him. And the drinking just makes things worse, it gives him the courage to say "fck it all, I hate my life!". And the dry drunk syndrome plays right into his mind set, he is so focused on hyper control to not drink that he feels the need to control every aspect of his life, and again becomes angry and resentful because the reality is he has little control over much of his life.

Also you need to wake up to something, if you think your kids are immune to his behavior because they live in an upstairs apartment you are fooling yourself, they are neither safe or immune to his actions. For one I would bet they are aware of his out burst, I would bet they can hear things and have seen things. Long term you are teaching by example and they will grow up thinking that's how a marriage is. Also concerning is you thinking a locked door can stop a madman, the warnings signs are there for your husbands eventual melt down and if that happens no one anywhere in that house would be safe.

The military is use to dealing with issues like this, I suggest you insist he begins therapy. If he doesn't get help things will only get worse, you would be better off divorcing than to stay in that kind of life.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Peaf said:


> The best I can do is stay at the other apartment which is what I'm doing.


I'm sorry you're in this situation . 

I think staying in the other apartment is a good idea until he shows real commitment to staying sober (i.e. attending meetings DAILY). 

Is there any end in site to him being in the army?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Alcoholics use alcohol to replace love. Remember that. Love is the opposite of fear, and when alcoholics are afraid they turn to the bottle instead of reaching out for support from those who love them. Fear feeds upon fear and creates more fear. It's a vicious circle. 

OP's husband lashes out because he's a scared little boy who never grew up. It's the only way he knows to combat the pain he is feeling. He is probably disappointed in himself, his choice of career, his lot in life. He sees no way out, and with the military there is often no way out. 

Most alcoloholics, like myself, have a hard time facing the ferocity of life without keeping up a wall of defensiveness and blame shifting. It is a hard habit to break. It requires therapy and lots of soul searching and work. It sounds like OP's husband has never had to do this. 

He needs help. Thirty days of inpatient treatment followed by AA meetings and individual counseling are my suggestion. But he has to want it for himself.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

All of your "reasons" for failing to take greater precautions are pointless. If he is allowed to keep a weapon on his person when he is not at work, you are inviting danger. You may be in danger even if he is technically not supposed to take his weapon(s) home with him. I don't know the rules on a military base in Germany, but I'd sure do whatever I need to do to protect my kids, even if it meant moving to an undisclosed location in a foreign country. I'd suggest you consult with his superior officer or whatever family liaison office is available, b/c to an outside observer, your story is one of rapidly escalating violence--and your effort to protect yourself and your family can be a trigger, so whatever you do, get help to do it safely. Domestic murder/suicides are too common for you to pretend you don't see the signs, and for you to be making such excuses. A locked door is no barrier to a man enraged and/or drunk. 

I expect there is a system in place to support you while you separate safely from him--it might be rough, and you might have a much lower income for a while, but your daughters' safety is the only priority here. Living in a foreign country is a gift you have given them, and you can continue it if you can do so safely, but if not, using the excuse of your daughter's imminent graduation is a ridiculous reason to remain in such an unstable situation. You can the twins could move home, for example, leaving your daughter to live with a friend (without telling the step-father of this plan, of course). There are many, many solutions to the "problems" you raise, and your resistance to accepting the seriousness of your situation is the only impediment. 

You need a lot more help--and direct assistance--than anyone on line can provide, so please take this situation with the gravity it merits, and find help and make a plan to leave safely. Don't delay. This man and this marriage are not worth the risk. 

Good luck.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'd be getting in touch with the FRG to figure out how to get my butt out of that country, and fast. Violent alcoholics are a force. My mother died in November from cirrhosis. She was mentally, emotionally, and physically VERY abusive and she never changed. She only escalated her behavior through the years. She even attempted to kill me one night by strangulation....her own daughter. Don't ever for a second think you are safe with someone like that. If you let it go too far, you and your kids will never trust another human being again...if you survive. 

Get out and tell him to wake the hell up.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Once upon a time, a frog was placed into a warm bath. The frog loved it and kicked back to relax. Slowly, the heat was turned up. The frog never knew what hit him when he boiled to death. That little bit of increasing the heat ...

"But he just hit me once."

"But he only drove drunk once."

"But he only hit me one other time, months later, when I got in his face and p!ssed him off big time."

"But he only got one DUI, and he got off with probation."

"But he only screamed in our daughter's face once, and he apologized right away."

"But he only punched his fist through our bedroom wall that night the kids wouldn't calm down and be quiet when he was tired."

"Officer, I don't know what set him off. He was angry, but that's not so unusual. How are the people in the other car he hit? What?!? One died on the way to the E.R.???"

"My God, HOW did this happen to my family???"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Peaf said:


> Matt Matt, his mom told me she had cheated also. She'd actually moved her OM into their house while he was deployed to Iraq. He's admitted that his drinking probably led to her cheating.


And she knows this for a fact because HE told HER?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Peaf said:


> I don't have anywhere to go. I'm in a new country, been here less than 4 months. I'm kind of stuck for now.



Well then start planning. Fine, I get not wanting your daughters to have to move in the middle of the school year. 

But you need to come to terms with the fact that as long as you are not willing to leave him, you have no power in the situation to make a change. He's not going to change. Why should he? It's probably going to get worse. 

And loving somebody doesn't have to mean that you let them abuse you, physically, emotionally or otherwise. 

So right now you have managed to separate him from your children...it's not excellent but for the short time as long as you guys aren't in danger you have a place to figure things out. 

You have to let go of the idea that you have no where to go. Okay, fine you can't move back into your house. But I am assuming that you receive rent money. So you can move into a small apartment. It sucks. But, it's better than living with an abusive drunk. And since you want to wait until the school year is over you have some time to plan things. Do you have family? Friends? Talk to them, see if they can help you. It doesn't have to be financial, it can just be moral support. It makes a difference. 

The point is...you are not stupid. You've made a mistake. It wasn't one you saw coming. You had no idea it was a mistake. So stop beating yourself up about it. But now you've got to fix it. For you and for your daughters. And maybe even your husband. Perhaps losing you is the thing he needs to change his life around. And maybe you will get him back. A new improved man. Maybe not. But there's no chance if you are not ready to walk away.


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