# How much are you like your Father?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

As a husband?

I've been thinking about this off and on for a few years now. How much has my father defined me as a husband?

My dad wasn't the best husband. An amazing man, yes, but not the best husband. He loved fiercely, but he wasn't always loyal. He had serious issues with infidelity throughout his entire life, just like his father before him. He could have a temper, though he was never physically abusive. He sometimes belittled my mother about her weight, even as he too gained and gained. 

I am unlike my father in that I don't belittle my wife, I am always keen to be very in touch with her feelings, and I don't generally have temperamental outbursts. I am also very faithful, which was a trait exemplified by my mother, a woman who never cheated on him, and never even dated another man, even though they were separated for many years.

Yet I am still like my father in some very keen ways. I do not know how to be a "nice guy". I went through such a period in my teen and early 20s before finally relinquishing that not long into my 20s; it never truly fit. For all my father's massive mistakes, he didn't know how to be a doormat with a woman. He didn't know how to be controlled or ruled by a woman. He didn't know how to be disrespected by a woman. I don't either. Most of the "Mr. Nice Guy" issues millions of men seem to have with their women doesn't connect with me as an adult. I expect to be respected, expected to be heard, and expect to lead in my relationship regardless of my imperfections. I don't know how to be in a power struggle with a woman I'm romantically involved with. That would cause me to just bow out eventually with a "to hell with this nonsense". 

He was also extremely independent. He did what he liked, when he liked. I have this trait too. Not a bad trait, but it does mean I have to work harder to voluntarily relinquish some of my independence in favor of a common unity. I am staunchly protective of my individuality though, something my wife is very aware of and accepts. Still, I have to work hard to remember that I have a partner and sometimes that can get in the way of sound partnership.

I'm sure I'm like my father in otherwise, and keenly not like him in some ways that are directly affected by my disapproval of some of his ways.

How much do you see your Father/Father figure in your marriage?


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

My father demonstrated the meaning of partnership in marriage better than anyone I know. He compliments my mother, admires her for who she is. 

Funny thing is, I try to do that with my wife. IT DOES NOT WORK WITH HER.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

0.0% like my father.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

I see his influence more in my individual personality than in our marriage. In marriage, I observed a lot that didn't work and tried to avoid it.

Individually:

My father is a good man. He was a good, if distant father, a good provider, and to this day makes sure that my mother lacks for nothing materially. He was never unemployed, didn't do drugs, didn't drink to excess (an accomplishment, since his father fell in to drink late in life), and as far as I know, he never cheated. He's responsible and has a lot of integrity.

On the other hand, he has a tendency to be passive-aggressive. He can pout when he doesn't get his way and - a far cry from being a pilot who rained bombs on people back in Vietnam - he is incredibly sensitive. Too sensitive.

I am like him in some ways and not in others. I recognize his bad traits and fight against them, and try to emulate his good traits. Like most things in life, sometimes I succeed and sometimes not. Twenty-four years after leaving their house, I still find that programming embedded in corners of my mind! 

In marriage:

My father is old-school when it comes to gender-relations: man works, woman stays at home. He did lawn care and stuff like that but never lifted a finger inside the house. To this day, he still gets miffed if he has to fix his own dinner. I am not like that all; I jump in and help out wherever I can, and my wife appreciates it. In his defense, he still surprises my mom with romantic gestures and trips and never makes big decisions without her input. He does try to keep her happy - and again, I emulate the good behaviors.

The biggest thing he did wrong, in my opinion, was that he rarely showed any kind of physical affection to my mother (but neither did she). I can probably count on my hands the number of times I have seen them kiss and neither were very touchy-feely with me and my sisters, and I missed that as a kid. I wondered growing-up if they really wanted to be together or if they stayed for the kids, and made me question the stability of the family, because they were, by appearances, friends not lovers. I think they do want to be together but it took me a while to see how they demonstrate it. Of course, all this sent me in the opposite direction; if I am in the same room with my wife, I want to touch her - even after eighteen years together. My stepson knows I love his mom, because I demonstrate it, and I think that made him more comfortable growing up.

It even got to the point that my parents have told us to, "get a room," because we're always hanging on each other. When they say stuff like that, I just smile and think to myself, "Guys, you put me on this path."


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Quite a bit like mine, I'm afraid. Though not 100%. I did get a lot of my Nice Guy tendencies from him, although I've had some success in breaking them. My dad unfortunately I don't think ever will.


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## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

Some of this, some of that.

He was a faithful, one man/one woman/for life, straight-arrow husband. Led his family in our faith. Always provided steady financial support, so Mom never had to work. In all this, I'm a carbon copy.

Where we differ - a couple of things. First is in how we dealt with children. He was our father, but not close very often. I don't remember him being very involved with me at any stage of life. Second is that he was far less demonstrative.

I never miss a chance to be in the middle of my family. My kids (five, from 28 to 14) saw me all the time. They also see me all over their mother, much to their chagrin. (overheard: "Where's Dad?" "In the kitchen, probably hugging on Mom")


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

I am not sure how much but I have seen him in me over the years. Let's face it, we cannot run away from that especially if you grew up with him (as opposed living with another father figure). Interestingly, the more we determine not to be like them, the more we become like them! With that said, I have noticed that I am uniquely me even though there are traits of the Old Man in me. I have just learned to live with what I cannot change and enjoy it.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I was like him as a parent and husband in my 20's but after my divorce I was able to step back and realize I was wrong about a lot of things, things that I inherited from him. I have worked hard at making changes but there are traits that were too hard wired to change completely.........for those I just don't put myself in the situations where they are likely to surface. Narcissists make the worst parents and it just amazes me that at 81 he is just as much the narcissist now as he was when I was a kid.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Like my father I love to talk (as is obvious here) and am generally outgoing.

Unlike my father I am a spendthrift, not a miser. I am a romantic, not cold. I am trusting, not suspicious. I am not status conscious, or jealous.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

For me, my Dad turned out to be the role model for how not to be. That is not to say at all that I don't love him, admire him and appreciate him immensely... but though I have always felt prone to the same things he'd be prone to, my approach is completely the opposite of his. I am much more like my mother. And my younger brother takes after my Dad a lot more closely.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am like my biological father in that we are both fairly intelligent, have young looks, and like to process things by talking it by hypothesizing and theorizing. Funny thing is that I didn't grow up with him at all, since my parents divorced before I was a year old.

As for my step-father, who I consider as my "dad", we differ greatly. He is pretty narcissistic and a man-baby...with half of him being very duty bound to provide for the family (which I respect him for) but he also felt that entitled him to everything, so he ruled the house in selfishness. I vowed I would never be like that. In some ways, my decision paid off, but in others, I certainly have some gaps in my own personal growth.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> My father demonstrated the meaning of partnership in marriage better than anyone I know. He compliments my mother, admires her for who she is.
> 
> Funny thing is, I try to do that with my wife. IT DOES NOT WORK WITH HER.


Your father found a right woman, you didn't.

I'm sorry


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

From a husband perspective, I really don't know much about my father. Our parents didn't show any problems so on the surface things were fine.

From a father perspective or MAN perspective. I find myself to be like my father in some ways as a man.

As a father though, completely opposite. He was somewhat disattached (even though he was there after work etc). He just never really played with me or spent time with me much (doing sports etc).

And thanks to that, now that I have kids I do the opposite. Spending time with my kids is priceless to me (and to them......I hope.....one day hehe).

Just to give you example, I do more activities/sports with my kids in a WEEK than my father did in a LIFETIME.

I can probably count handful of times when I seen my father out playing sports and doing things with us. 



I also have resentment on the fact that he has not really made much effort to be around/in my life during teens and even now. I won't even get into the fact that he had a daughter with his new wife and sent her off to his wife's family in another country for 14 years.........


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

wanttolove said:


> My father demonstrated the meaning of partnership in marriage better than anyone I know. He compliments my mother, admires her for who she is.
> 
> Funny thing is, I try to do that with my wife. IT DOES NOT WORK WITH HER.


I did the same. My father and mother have been each other's one and only since 16. I hoped to have the same kind of personal family life like him but unfortunate I didn't pick as well and so that will never happen now.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

as I was bringing up my kids, I tried to do all the things my dad did that I remembered fondly. Trips by car, vacations with the kids, hunting, fishing, skeet, art, antiques hunting, etc.

Now as I get older I see remnants of the same BAD traits he had as he aged. I was pretty aware of them when I was younger, and now that I see them occurring in me, I can at least try to head them off at the pass.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While I loved him and admired him, and am not nearly as successful as he was, I am totally "a 180" from him!

*He was temperamental ~ I am rather laid back!

*He often drank to excess ~ I rarely ever drink!

*He only finished high school ~ But he saw to it that my brothers and I all finished college, although he had a lot of disdain for educated people.

His employees loved and revered him.

The only similarities are that we both loved our families and are both ardent Democrats, as he came up through Union channels prior to getting conscripteded into company management. He always looked out for the people who worked for him!*


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

My emotionally absent father (lower case f) bailed when I was about 11. On Mum, on the 3 of us kids and never looked back. Fought like a tiger NOT to have to pay support and acted like he'd never even been married to Mum.

So, fortunately I can say, hand on heart that I'm absolutely nothing like him.


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