# Leaving the US



## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Hi, all,

So my wife and I have been separated for three months. Since she has taken up a job in a different state and moved in with her sister, there is not much to point to a possibility of a successful reconciliation.

Anyway, she is gone and gone is her family as well. This is quite natural, I'd say. 

Unfortunately, my whole family is in Europe. My wife's family was all I had here in the US.

I had left Europe when I a bit over twenty. Now, ten years later, I would not have done the same thing. I think that my priorities have changed over time.

I have some friends over here in NY, a great job, and all the employment perks. But the substance seems missing for some reason. I have been getting offers to go work in SoCal for folks like Elon Musk, which would have made me very happy a year ago as it would have boosted my ego, but now I see these opportunities as a new start in places I do not really belong in.

I understand that there is a big void in my life right now. The reality is that I have never been alone for too long since my teenage years. Pragmatically, I do not see myself dating here in the US again- just because if such an unfortunate situations happens again undetermined time down the road, I would in the same tough spot and that time maybe even without having the option to choose the country to live or what employment to have (kids, alimony).

So my question is this... are there any of you who, after losing the dear one, returned back to your countries of origin?

Of course, I am homesick. I will fly over in just a couple of weeks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I cannot answer your question as I married in the USA and stayed here. My family had all moved here so it made sense to me to stay.

Did you quit your job already? Or as you going for a visit first to see how things will go first?

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find a good situation and happiness.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes. 

I moved to the UK to get married in my early 20s, after meeting my ex 5 years earlier. 

I returned to the US when I was 30 because I was getting divorced. My family was in the US. My life in the UK is ancient history, a past life to me now. 

After a few years of healing I felt ready to date and I am with a man I deeply love. 

I rediscovered my home state after living away for so long. It made me appreciate where I was from. 

You can definitely start over.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I cannot answer your question as I married in the USA and stayed here. My family had all moved here so it made sense to me to stay.
> 
> Did you quit your job already? Or as you going for a visit first to see how things will go first?
> 
> Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find a good situation and happiness.


Elegirl, thanks for your kind words.

I did not quit my job nor I plan to. If I do move back to the Old World, I will do so after a very long deliberation. I would give it at least a year to think and a year to make it happen. Fortunately, I can live and work on either side of the Atlantic Ocean.

The trip mentioned in the original post is just a short visit- to see family and reconnect with close friends.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Satya said:


> Yes.
> 
> I moved to the UK to get married in my early 20s, after meeting my ex 5 years earlier.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your story, Satya. It does sounds like you are happy in your new, yet old place!

Fortunately my family is located in one of the Centers of Europe with some family in London and some in Budapest. But for the moment I have been thinking about Prague.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Scientist, 

I gave serious thought to staying in the UK, but since I still had family in the US, I decided to return so I could be close to them. It was definitely the right decision for me. 

I thought that once I healed a bit, I'd go and move to a different part of the US and make a fresh start. I'd started job searching and looking for apartments. Life had other plans, though, once my SO found me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No because it's not the place you remember anymore. What you're expressing is sentiment. You would find it unappealingly different from the picture in your head you believe you're remembering.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> No because it's not the place you remember anymore. What you're expressing is sentiment. You would find it unappealingly different from the picture in your head you believe you're remembering.


I have heard similar stories before, especially from folks who had lived abroad for a very long time, say 15+ years. Many of those found themselves to be living in the past, which never came back. Friends have moved away or died, the political parties have changed.

Even younger friends, who decided to go back after 5 years found themselves deeply exposed to a cultural shock. People smoke, there is no Macy's, no one smiles, the taxes are high, and this sort of things.

There are happy examples too. A small part of my family lived here in the US (the Big Apple) for 20 years before permanently departing for Europe. It took them a couple of years to adjust but they are very happy. The only complaint they have is that it's impossible for them to watch movies that have voice-over. They still go to the Caribbean once a year to relax though.

I will find out soon how the place is. Yes, many childhood friends are now married and have moved on with their lives, that is understandable.

Fortunately, I have been keeping in touch with many people there, reading the news, watching Internet TV. So... the memories are just part of it.

The real question is... what is the alternative?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Scientist:

I would tell you that 5 years after I left California for the military it was not the same. The people were gone; places had changed; it was a place in time growing up there.

Your alternative? Forge something new. You have an opportunity to start fresh nearly anywhere.

But the biggest thing I would caution against is thinking that a new place will somehow change things dramatically. No matter where you go, there you are. In other words, the locations may change, but often who we are does not, which causes us to find the very same problems in a new place that we had in the old one.

That said, again you can go practically anywhere. Capitalize on it, brother. You may not get this opportunity again.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

I have an update.

I went back to the Old World and then I came back to the New World. I enjoyed my time there. Despite a two year break from that place and my family I found out that it was very easy to reconnect. It's like I never left. I did see many of my former friends and colleagues. Some have changed in the five years since I last saw them, some have not. There seem to be plenty of job opportunities in my field even though my compensation and possibly standard of living would considerably decrease.

I realized that I stayed here in the New World because of a European girl, who since left me. I have also realized that I put all my hopes and future in one basket, perhaps as it should have been done.

The many discussions I had there made me realize that living in the US has many benefits but also many drawbacks. Much of my extended family was scattered around the Old World and the New World but many came back to the place of origin eventually.

The benefits of the US are the pleasant society and great employment opportunities.

The drawbacks of the US are the high cost of living, expensive education and healthcare, and also the distance to my family.

I cannot imagine having another relationship here in the US. I cannot imagine vacationing in Europe each year for future kids to build up a relationship with my parents and siblings.

But at the same time I am having an extremely hard time not feeling guilty giving up the hope that my wife, who left me four months ago and moved 2,000 miles away, might come back and such we would have a great future together. 

I know that this is likely a pipe dream. I am just having a hard time letting go.

I have been mentally preparing to purchase an apartment there and start building up a social network to make a smooth transition in ~1-2 year time. But each step I take pains me much as I think of the lady that once was my life companion.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

scientist said:


> I have an update.
> 
> I went back to the Old World and then I came back to the New World. I enjoyed my time there. Despite a two year break from that place and my family I found out that it was very easy to reconnect. It's like I never left. I did see many of my former friends and colleagues. Some have changed in the five years since I last saw them, some have not. There seem to be plenty of job opportunities in my field even though my compensation and possibly standard of living would considerably decrease.
> 
> ...


What makes you think she might come back? Why did she leave?
And if she did want to come back to you, she could always come back to you in Europe.

So I don't see any big downside to moving back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think if you keep in mind that you can never go home but you can go back to your place of origin and build a new life that could include elements of your old life you'll be fine. 

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can spend your time waiting for her to possibly change her mind (very unlikely -- I remember your story) or you can begin making a plan to go home. Time will move on either way. Better to move on with it than to try to hold on to a past love that's no longer there.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

technovelist said:


> What makes you think she might come back? Why did she leave?
> And if she did want to come back to you, she could always come back to you in Europe.
> 
> So I don't see any big downside to moving back.


THIS! Half of my family, my mother's side, is in the UK, and what's left of the other side, my dad's, is in another state. I've thought about moving to my home state, but the reality is, when I went to the UK in the 80s for a graduation from high school trip courtesy of my dad, I really had, for the first time, some extended time with my English grandfather, whose disposition and intellectual curiosity and stoicism I inherited. He totally got me, and I totally got him, and I realized that I had grown up as a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and when I had that wonderful experience of spending time with him, I made sense to myself and I felt a tremendous sense of self worth. The same thing happened this summer when I took my Mom home to spend time with her sister and BIL and nieces and nephews and to reconnect with her cousins and long-lost friends before I brought her back home to die of cancer. 

If I had grown up in the UK where my mother was born, instead of dabbling with these pitiful political institutions of little import called universities, I might have gone to Oxford or Cambridge like my uncles, and I would have not only made sense to myself but I would have amounted to far more and done much more and had much more in the way of self fulfillment than the politics of male professors threatened by female counterparts that set me back here. 

When I was in the UK this summer, attending the conference in the House of Commons and researching and doing my thing while my Mom enjoyed her time with her relatives, my h called me, after months of silence, and had me look up some of his old friends when he was stationed in England with the USAF. 

Hon, if someone decides they love you and wants to be with you, they'll buy the ticket. In the meantime, go where the people there get you. Yes, it is true, wherever you go, it's you that is there, but if you gotta pick yourself up and put yourself back together, why not do it where it makes the sense to do it? And what harm can distance do? It could actually be therapeutic and send the message to the cheating-azz spouse that you're moving on . . . which might actually raise the stakes in terms of how attractive you are. But that's not the reason to do it, and by the time your ex figures it out, you might have a new squeeze WHERE YOU ARE! Do what's good for you, what seems/feels/suggests the move is right for you, and let the rest of the pieces fall into place!


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Openminded said:


> You can spend your time waiting for her to possibly change her mind (very unlikely -- I remember your story) or you can begin making a plan to go home. Time will move on either way. Better to move on with it than to try to hold on to a past love that's no longer there.


You all are right.

I spoke with her today about our house that is still on the market. 

I have found her ability to completely emotionally detach and focus on "action items" almost arcane or a better word- inhumane.

Now I know that there's no way back. No longer feeling guilty.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> Hon, if someone decides they love you and wants to be with you, they'll buy the ticket. In the meantime, go where the people there get you. Yes, it is true, wherever you go, it's you that is there, but if you gotta pick yourself up and put yourself back together, why not do it where it makes the sense to do it? And what harm can distance do? It could actually be therapeutic and send the message to the cheating-azz spouse that you're moving on . . . which might actually raise the stakes in terms of how attractive you are. But that's not the reason to do it, and by the time your ex figures it out, you might have a new squeeze WHERE YOU ARE! Do what's good for you, what seems/feels/suggests the move is right for you, and let the rest of the pieces fall into place!


Thanks for your story. It's time to start making plans.

2-mo: visit family during Xmas
8-mo: take out a mortgage, buy an apartment there
12-mo: start connecting with companies there, talk about transfer with my employer
12-mo+: wait for the right opportunity.

now-the end : enjoy the life.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

scientist said:


> I have found her ability to completely emotionally detach and focus on "action items" almost arcane or a better word- inhumane.
> 
> Now I know that there's no way back. No longer feeling guilty.


Im sure my ex felt the same way as you after we separated. I moved back to the US and only emailed about our divorce, which I did from across the pond with a solicitor from the UK. That was very uncharacteristic of me, someone who was always talkative and bubbly. 

Yes, it's pure detachment. Don't put meaning to it, no reason for guilt, it just is.


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