# My Wife and her ex-boyfriend



## Person12

Hello,

So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months. 

It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy. 

She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered. 

Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. (I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.) 

I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past. 

To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing? 

If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.


----------



## Accipiter777

IMHO She has reattached to her EX...

Talkin to her EX about marital problems is his doorway in to a relationship with her.


----------



## Tikii

It sounds like she is having an EA. Almost like she cannot get over him, and she is trying to hold on to those emotions. The more she talks to him, the closer she is going to get with him, and the more unhappy she is going to become. She's getting her cake and eatng it too. I hate to say it, but that jumped at me as I read through this.


----------



## Entropy3000

EXs need to be no contact period. Her EX is driving a wedge into your relationship. It may be too late but that does not matter. The longer this goes on the worse it is going to get.

So you need to tell her you want to work on the marriage and that she must go NC with her EX. It would have been better of course if you giys had already doen His Needs Her Needs and set some boundaries. Because it is these lack of baoundaries that is killing your marriage.

If by taking a firm stand she chooses the EX then so be it. You are losing her now anyway. Your only chance of keeping her is to get her out of her affair with her EX she is in.

Letting this get started at all was a big problem.


----------



## Machiavelli

The only thing your wife is trying to figure out with her X, is how to get him inside without you knowing about it. Your wife probably started cheating on you when she said "she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce." That's close enough to ILYBINILWY for me. 

You need to investigate. Does your wife work? Have her own car? Is she glued to her phone? Do they get together in person (so far as you know)?


----------



## Accipiter777

My statement to her would be:

Either remove ALL contact with him, and work for our marriage

*OR* 

We get divorced, you go your way, I go mine.


----------



## Accipiter777

Person12 said:


> Hello,
> 
> So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months.
> 
> It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy.
> 
> She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered.
> 
> Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. *(I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.) *
> 
> I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past.
> 
> To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing?
> 
> If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.


This guy may NOT even have any interest EXCEPT that once again, he has f u c k e d you . . .


----------



## Person12

Thanks for the responses. I know she is not physically cheating because we only have one phone and one car. So unless she is an expert sneaker (which she is about a smooth as sand paper), I really don't think anything is going on. 

I have mentioned several times that I wish for him to be completely gone out of our lives and I just get the same "I am not going to let you control me. It is my decision to make either way." I don't want to push her away by saying "fine, if you want him in your life, then I'll be out" because she says that it makes her not want to be with me (because it is controlling in her opinion.) But at the same time, we're already facing an up hill battle seeing how we are both young and relatively newlyweds with a small child and I feel like this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. 

I am really just lost at what to do. She refuses to go talk to a counselor because she says that she "just CANNOT talk to someone she doesn't really know about something so private". So there is that idea gone too.


----------



## TBT

Person12 said:


> I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want."


She's a grown person in a marriage of 2 not 3.This isn't high school dating bullsh*t,she took vows which she is no longer living up to.Imo,it's time to put all your chips on the table friend or you'll be doing this dance with her for the rest of your life or at least until she's finished with you.


----------



## RClawson

Person,

Let me tell you something. You need to man up now. This is him or me time. I have lived my marriage with specter of her old boyfriend hanging over our head and it sucks. Nip this in the bud now. That means no contact ever again or it is over. If you let this drag on and do not take a stand and she stays..................he will always be lingering. Time for her to understand what it is to be a "married adult". This is not a control issue it is a respect issue and she has none for you and you are not doing diddly about it. 


WAKE UP!


----------



## Will_Kane

*It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy*

Was she happy the day she married you?

She only told you about it over a year into the marriage.

Did her Facebook contact with the old boyfriend start at about the same time as she told you she was unhappy in your marriage?

Can you see the content of their messages?

*I know she is not physically cheating because we only have one phone and one car.*

So, she never leaves the house, you never leave the house, and he can't travel to meet her? And they can't communicate in any other way by phone? There is no way they could be alone together anywhere at anytime? This is not a convincing argument that you KNOW she is not physically cheating. Did you leave out some other facts as to why she can't be cheating or do you base it just on the no phone, no car?

She is not afraid of losing you. Why are you afraid of losing her? It seems she already has chosen him over you. She won't give up talking to him for you.

Cheaters follow a script. It is remarkable how similar cheaters behave. Your wife is following the script to a T. This script calls for her to re-establish contact with an ex-boyfriend, tell the husband she's not happy and hasn't been for a long time, tell the husband I love you but I'm not in love with you, text/message with the other man and keep the messages secret from the husband and, if the husband pushes her to stop, tell the husband he's controlling. Has she told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or "I have never been in love with you"?

Betrayed husbands follow a script also. You are following it to a T. That script is to be afraid to confront your wife about ending the affair or else she will leave you.

There is no guarantee that you can save your marriage, but you are not going to save it by doing nothing and letting the situation with the other man play out. If they haven't met up for sex yet, they will soon. Then she will tell you she needs "space" and ask you to move out. That way she can explore her relationship with the other man while you take care of your child and all expenses. By doing nothing, you are letting yourself in for weeks if not months of pain.

It is better to take action and confront your wife, but don't confront her yet.

If you confront her now, she likely will deny everything. It will be easier for you to get an admission out of her and move forward with the reconciliation process if you have more proof. Place voice-activated recorders in the places she is likely to talk to the other man on the telephone when you are not araound. The car, the bedroom, and the bathroom are popular locations.

If you have the means, hire a private investigator.

Put a keylogger on the computer she uses.

Give it a week. You should have proof. Once you have proof, then you confront.

You also have to break up the affair. Either before or after confronting, expose the other man to his wife/girlfriend and to his family and close friends. This helps to end the affair because the people you expose to will put pressure on him.

If your wife does not agree to end the affair immediately upon being confronted, expose to your and her family and friends.

If your wife does agree to end the affair immediately, she will have to cut all contact of any kind with the other man and give you complete access to all communication devices and accounts. She will have to tell you the truth about the affair, how long it lasted, why it started, and any other details you want. If you don't feel you are getting the truth, you can ask her to take a polygraph. She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior, how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband, her family, and her marriage, which mean more than anything in the world to her, and that if the other man ever attempts to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.

You are the injured party, she should be apologizing to you and begging you to stay in the marriage, not the other way around. If your wife refuses to meet your

If she doesn't agree to your conditions, you file for divorce. Divorce is a long process and filing is sometimes necessary for the cheater to realize what they will be losing and return to the marriage.

All of this should be customized based on how your situation plays out.

Right now, you are only in the evidence-gathering phase, next will come confrontation and exposure.

In the meantime, try to project a confident happy image, do not let your wife know you suspect anything, do not be needy, whiny, etc.

As for the "you're controlling" line, tell your wife this:

I cannot control you, I can only control myself and what I am willing to accept in a marriage and what I am not willing to accept in a marriage, and how I react to your actions. I am not willing to accept your behavior of being in an adulterous affair with another man while you are married to me.


----------



## Complexity

Person12 said:


> I don't want to push her away by saying "fine, if you want him in your life, then I'll be out" because she says that it makes her not want to be with me (because it is controlling in her opinion.) But at the same time, we're already facing an up hill battle seeing how we are both young and relatively newlyweds with a small child and I feel like this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.


To be honest, that is the most sensible response. She has zero respect for you as her husband and completely disregards your feelings for a scumbag who now likes to mess with married women.

She's also manipulating you with the "controlling" nonsense. Marriage isn't a 50% endeavour. Both spouses have to put in equal effort and it will never work when your wife puts the feelings of her ex over you. What other alternative do you see if she refuses counselling? wait till he sleeps with her, abandons her again and sends her home to you?


----------



## Cee Paul

Unless it's for the purpose of a child there should be NO exes in the picture ever.


----------



## *LittleDeer*

Don't let her disrespect you like that, either you man up and take a hard line or your marraige will either end or she will string you along while she cheats. You as the man need to set clear boundaries for both of you. It's not about being controling it's about protecting your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Person12

Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.


----------



## enso

Person12 said:


> Hello,
> 
> So my wife and I have been married for a year and a half now and we have 1 daughter together. When we got together it was only several months after we both got out of other relationships. I dated a girl for a year and a half, she dated a guy for four months.
> 
> It has been a few months now since I found out that my wife has been completely unhappy in our marriage. She said she has never been happy and then stated she was really contemplating divorce. We decided to continue and try and work things out. Now its several months later, and we're still at square one. She says our marriage sucks and that she is still totally unhappy.
> 
> She claims that the reason many times she cannot tell me things and be close to me is because of things that happened in her former relationship. They dated for four months in which she says she poured everything she had. When he left, things went unexplained and unanswered.
> 
> Now her and her ex have been in communication via Facebook lately talking somewhat about it. She says she needs to figure thins out with him before she can completely give herself to me emotionally. When she talks about how she felt in their realtionship, she describes this euphoric state of like absolutely love. So now they talk all the time on facebook and it is driving a wedge into our relationship. (I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.)
> 
> I have a slightly disturbing hated for her ex, even before I knew that he was her ex. I can't stand him and every fiber of my being just gets so angry when he is around. I am trying to be okay with my wife trying to figure stuff out but now it is just her and him talking all the time and when I express that I want her to not talk to him as much, she just says "Don't try to control me. I am a grown person and I'll do what I want." I cannot stand the thought of him being in our lives at all for much longer. I just wish my wife would leave the past, in the past.
> 
> To wrap this story up, I am now trying to deal with them talking on facebook; how should I treat that? Should she be talking to him? I don't see how it is healthy for us. Am I right in not wanting him around or am I just being overbearing?
> 
> If you'd like to know anything more just let me know. If not, I would extremely appreciate your responses.


I*

if she is unhappy in the marriage she should be giving 100% to resolve the currently issues. She is some fantasy state and does not want to face the reality of marriage, responsibilities and work required to make it work. Rather then doing this she is focusing on 4 month fantasy because it is easier. I don't know too many who get into "euphoric state" in 4 months relationships and would actually consider that more important then family and child. I would personally give her a time frame to make up her mind as this cannot go on forever. If she cannot I would consider ending it and moving on with my life .*


----------



## Mr_brown

Person12 said:


> Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.


You got your answer right there... It was an ultimatum stick to it... Time to kick up the alpha!!


----------



## Shaggy

Time also to put a keylogger on the computer and read their messages. That will tell you what their relationship truly is. 

This other relationship is clearly killing your marriage. Emotionally she is more interested in it than in you. Like the others have said its likely gone physical too. Especially if shes acting this strongly against the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

Person -- you need to get away from these toxic friends -- including your wife if she doesn't want to be married.

This guy went after your old girlfriend while he was dating your current wife. Now that you are married -- he wants to get back with your wife.

There is a pattern -- and if I was you I would make sure I would break it ASAP.

Good luck !!


----------



## Davelli0331

Person12 said:


> Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.


This is a power play. Don't fold.

All her talk about how you're trying to control her is _really_ her controlling you. Hold on to your sack, call her bluff, stay the course.


----------



## NextTimeAround

****(I have history with this kid and it stems back to him trying to cheat on (now my wife) with a girl who was my girlfriend at the time, and her friends. I saw the lies he told these girls and I was left having to deal with all of this drama when crap went down.) ****

This guy must really have it out for you. I had a similar problem as yours but fortunately we were still dating and not married. So much easier for me to walk away. At the same time, since his "ex a friend" had a boyfriend, he wasn't going to have much of a relationship with her.

I now believe time is of the essence in these matter. the longer that they are in contact with their ex, the more comfortable and bolder that they feel when contemplating their future. 

Once you decide that being a single Dad is better than being some scorned cuckolded, it will be easier to move on.


----------



## RClawson

Person,

Time to let the girl go and find a real woman to spend your life with.


----------



## EleGirl

She is right. YOu cannot control her and tell her who she can talk to.

But you can set your own boundaries on what you will accept in your marriage. YOu can tell her that if she continues to communicate with him you are filing for divorce... it's your choice what you do.

Before confronting her any further you might want to put a key logger on your computer and find out what she is really up to. If she's talking to him all the time, it's not about the weather.

And if you are not with her 24/7 you don't know if she is sneaking around.


----------



## Machiavelli

Does your wife work?

What's your physique like? 

What do you know about relationship "game" and making yourself attractive to women? I recommend you start reading this blog.

In the meantime, start dressing sharper and going out after the baby is down. Just say, "I'm going out" and go watch a movie. Let her figure you're hitting the meat markets. Start moving away and let her chase you. Do not puppy dog her and whine. Act like you are the man with the options.

Do women hit on you?


----------



## NextTimeAround

Machiavelli said:


> Does your wife work?
> 
> What's your physique like?
> 
> What do you know about relationship "game" and making yourself attractive to women? I recommend you start reading this blog.
> 
> In the meantime, start dressing sharper and going out after the baby is down. Just say, "I'm going out" and go watch a movie. Let her figure you're hitting the meat markets. Start moving away and let her chase you. Do not puppy dog her and whine. Act like you are the man with the options.
> 
> *Do women hit on you*?


After my fiancé stopped teasing me about my age (I'm 10 years older than he), he did have to admit that he noticed quite often men checking me out and then when we went to activities, like meetup, he knew that men approaching was due to their desire to hit on me.

Maybe that helped with him deciding that holding onto some ex as friend while I could easily move on to other men made it an easy decision for him to drop her completely.


----------



## lovelygirl

What an immature wife! She knows zero responsibility for this marriage and she thinks she can behave however she wants to. So disrespectful!!!
I wonder how old you two are. 

Now she wants to figure out how she feels...? AFTER marriage??
What kind of nonsense is that? Didn't she have the time BEFORE marriage for that?


----------



## Jimena

You can't control her, you can control your responses to her actions. Make it clear to her that her actions have consequences. She may think you're too much of "nice guy" to ever follow through. She probably realizes on some level that you're better as a parent than this guy will ever be, so she wants to have you in that role and her ex in a lover's role. 
An ultimatem (a specific one that can be followed through) looks like your only choice: A NC letter/call, you get access to all her emails etc., and she goes to counseling to work on the marriage.


----------



## MattMatt

You were sold a pup. You thought you were marrying a woman and you married a child, instead.

By the way. The baby. It IS yours, right? Even if you are 100 percent sure it is, get a DNA test. This is for your peace of mind in case she goes crazy and tries to pretend that you aren't the father.


----------



## rfAlaska

I am among the crowd that says "follow through on your threat.". The child changes everything though. That makes it a huge decision. Personally, I would like to believe that I would still folllow through and say, "yes, our marriage does indeed come down to who you can and.can't talk to on FaceBook". It's not about control, it's about protection. It's also about respect. She clearly has no respect for you or for meeting your need for boundaries in the relationship.

Good luck - challenging situation - methinks "move on".


----------



## enso

Person12 said:


> Well, I just confronted my wife about everything and really laid down my ultimatimatum of him or me. She just said, " So my marriage restso nwhethr or not I can talk to someone on Facebook." to which I replied "This isn ot some random person we are talking about.." She just said, Well maybe it is already over...." and walked out of the room.


The issue is not chatting on Facebook but she has previous history with this person and has admitted that she is unhappy in current marriage. I would get one of those key logger programs and track her Facebook. This is also good evidence (if legal) to present in court in case there are child custody issues. I would also document how long she spends on facebook and also all suggestions you have made to try to work things out (ie marriage counseling..etc.) in email form to present to judge down the road. Also make sure you get DNA test to make sure it is your child.


----------



## Toffer

Person,

As others have said, this is at LEAST an emotional affair. Depending on how you answer some of the other questions asked (like if she works, are you apart for a number of hours during the day) will show if there's been opportunity for a physical affair

If she ever takes the car by herself, I would put a voice activated recorder under the front seat with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters feel safe talking in the car.

Is her phone always with her and password protected?

Also, keylogger on computer and look at your cell phone detail on line. I'm willing to bet the texting and calls are through the roof to this guy and FB isn't their only means of communication

It is also worthy to note that the "You are trying to contrl me" speech is very typical cheater language

Do some reading in the Coping With Infidelity section for a quick education on how cheaters operate and the things they'll say

You did well with your ultimatum. Now don't back down and good luck!


----------

