# Coping with the lies, the lack of an apology.



## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Ugh, I am having another tough day. I wake up in the morning and the first thing that I think of is them. Then I think that the first thing that he thinks of when he wakes is her. It makes me ill.

His EA (online only - so he says) started before he left me, so he was cheating. Oh, and she is married with a kid, so she is cheating too. He lied so many times about so many different things before I found out about them. And unfortunately, when I found out about them, it was because I saw all of their emails to each other, professing their love for each other over and over again. I can't get them out of my head. I think of how he talks to her in those emails and again, it makes me ill.

Throughout all of this, he has never apologized to me for cheating and lying. The last thing that he said about it when we fought was that "this has nothing to do with her, I left you because you are a horrible person". Not the nicest thing to say to someone that you have spent 20+ years with, the mother of your only child.

I feel awful today and I can't seem to get them out of my mind, the lies and the cheating and the fact that he doesn't feel any remorse.
bleh.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

He's not going to apologize because in his mind he isn't doing anything wrong. Cheaters justify their behavior and try to shift blame. Try to realize that the person you married is dead. Your husband changed into a selfish, narcissistic POS. Also - Keep all your posts to one thread. It makes it easier for people to follow your progress.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Keep it on one thread J - it's easier for us to gather your story.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I learned of my ex infidelity 22 months ago, still no apology, no remorse, and no acknowledgement that he has ever done anything inappropriate. I gave up expecting anything from him. 

It takes time. Keep doing the 180 and focus on all the good in your child. There are some wonderful people in the world, you just weren't married to one of them.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Oops, sorry, I didn't know that I should stay on a single thread....


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Pluto2,
That is horrible. And are you divorced now? Is your x still with the OW?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I do not know your story, as i am new. I just wanted to say how sorry i am, and how awful it must be for you, by reading this post sounds as if your going through a horrible time.

20 years is a long time to be with someone.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

jforthegirl said:


> Pluto2,
> That is horrible. And are you divorced now? Is your x still with the OW?


Yes we're divorced-finally.
He had several OW at the time i kicked him out. He's not with any of those skanks now, someone else I'm told. He's out of state so at least I don't have to watch his life choices unfold.

I have come to accept that he is incapable to talking about the truth. When we do communicate he continues to lie about stupid things. For instance when we were waiting for the judge to sign the final papers he txt me saying he spoke to the clerk and my attorney never filed the papers. Well, of course that wasn't true since he received a stamped copy of the. Still, in his little mind if there is a bump in the road of life he needs to instantly find blame in someone else. Guess that's one of the reasons I try not to communicate with him much.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

J

For all the horrid part of this statement, hopefully you will look back in a few months and discover this. 

It's almost like they attend a schooling class that the rest of us on here never knew about. They'll lie, cheat and then because they have this self importance that they've nothing to confess, they won't apologize.

It horrid, hurtful and leaves a bitter taste in the person who is left. But guess what? NC and 180 works wonderfully on the person left behind. You will get so much stronger than you could ever imagine- develop a new life, slowly at first, but then it snowballs and snowballs.

And you know the best part of it all. When you see your X having been strong, done the NC and 180, you understand that you never want a R- because that person doesn't deserve you. And your X will be more than a little bit scared of the new you- because it's a person they think they know...but oh boy trust me it's not!

It's a rollercoaster to come, but we are here for you should you want us.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Thanks for the support phil.
Sadly, NC is not an option, he still watches our daughter while I am at work, so I have to see him morning and evening every week day. I try not to look at him in the face (I fear that I may cry if I do) and our verbal interactions are limited to information about our daughter. It is hard, but I think it is best to keep our contact as limited as possible. 
I am working on the 180 too, I think that one is pretty easy since our contact is so limited now anyway.
There are days where I feel like I am doing good, feeling hopeful about the future for my daughter and I. Then there are days like today where I wake up sad and then progressively spiral down into obsessing about all of the details of the cheating and the lies. And also the things that I could have done differently in the past that may have made our marriage better, keeping us from even getting to this awful place. I guess that I'm back into the denial stage today or something.
I hope that you are right and in a few months, I will be able to look back and think that this is a good thing, that it needed to happen to make me a happier person.
bleh, I hate today.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Mine left beginning of March, I havent seen her since May and last text from her was July. She wont even admit the affair happened even though she moved in with him. 

No remorse, no apologize, nothing....I still think about it every single day and all the time. Not the affair aspect but the utter betrayal and the lies and how can they live with it. 

Make no mistake they convince themselves they are without blame. Maybe its just there own coping mechanism so they dont have to face it. Or they are just that petty, they know it will eat at you. Its like the final victory for them. 

Most leave thinking the world is so much better elsewhere, most learn the hard way it isnt and they cant get back what they threw away for the new life so the torment what they had. Misery loves company. 

I think almost all bs to some point carry a guilt we cant shake for quite a while. We would have done anything to please our spouse when married, all they had to do was ask or talk. They didnt and we sit and wonder why. It hurts, we think about it constantly. We tell ourselves that if they would just tell the truth we could move on. We will never get the truth most likely, they cant admit they messed up, they cant ever truly let us go either that is why they hold onto the lie so tightly. 

Its my own opinion and maybe I am completly wrong but I think part of it is if they told the truth we would probably tell them we forgive them so we can move along with life. They havent forgiven themselves yet so how can they ask us. 

People keep saying the hurt will subside and time is the great healer. You learn to live with it. Its not a great answer and every single person takes different amounts of time to accomplish this. Even when you do and you least expect it suddenly it will pop into your head. Dont dwell on the wouldda couldda shoulda of the past. No one can go back in time and change anything. All you can do is make decisions today and everyday he chooses to be a liar. You will get to a point where you just dont care about his apology, its probably just going to be a lie anyway.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*All you can do is make decisions today and everyday he chooses to be a liar. You will get to a point where you just dont care about his apology, its probably just going to be a lie anyway. *

These are extremely wise words. Well said.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Agreed, honcho and pluto. I guess once a liar, always a liar. It's just so crazy, for the first 20+ years that I knew him, he was the most genuine, trustworthy, reliable, loving man. Then bam, he changed into this person I don't know at all, a lying, cheating, selfish man who seems to have no remorse and absolutely no love at all in his heart for me. I'll never understand what happened. It's just so crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

He's showing you who he is, it's best to believe him.

Are you in counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> He's showing you who he is, it's best to believe him.
> 
> Are you in counseling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am, since 4 days after he told me he was leaving. 
It has been very helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

You just have to let it go and realize that the man you married no longer exists, some evil alien has taken over his body. Most likely the only explanation you would ever get is that it is all your fault. I don't know why so many people turn into these lying, cheating WS, but it seems to be an epidemic.

I have never understood why it is so hard to end one relationship before starting another. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, get a divorce and then go find yourself someone else. It would hurt but not the like the cheating and lying. And I would think it would be easier on them too. But as many keep saying, we can only control our own actions.

Better days are on the horizon.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Yep, littlejaz, all of what you said is true. It is so hard to believe that this is the man that I spent most of my life with, the father of my child. I just cannot believe how he seems to have no concern for me at all, no love at all. It is like we were just together for a couple of weeks and he is just like "Oh well, that didn't work out, I'll move on". He seems to not care about how I am doing or how I am going to be able to financially keep it together: keep the house and take care of our daughter. He barely makes enough to pay for the crappy apartment that he moved into, so he will not be giving me any money to help out. And he seems just fine with that, all that he is concerned with is his happiness.
I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that he will never apologize or take any responsibility for this mess. i will always be the bad guy and it is all my fault. 
I need to let it all go and focus on myself and my daughter. 
One foot in front of the other..... one day at a time. I can do this.....
I think.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

You can do it because you have no other choice. You have to make the best possible life you can for your child and that will get you through.

Every step you take means you are one step closer to those better days. 

You have to come to terms with the fact that he may always blame you but you do not have to accept that blame. I repeat-YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THE BLAME. Cheating are lying were his choices. You have absolutely no blame in those decisions. 

Keep your chin up. You are a strong woman and you will be fine and so will your little girl.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

littlejaz said:


> You just have to let it go and realize that the man you married no longer exists, some evil alien has taken over his body. Most likely the only explanation you would ever get is that it is all your fault. I don't know why so many people turn into these lying, cheating WS, but it seems to be an epidemic.
> 
> I have never understood why it is so hard to end one relationship before starting another. If you are so unhappy in your marriage, get a divorce and then go find yourself someone else. It would hurt but not the like the cheating and lying. And I would think it would be easier on them too. But as many keep saying, we can only control our own actions.
> 
> Better days are on the horizon.


This is so true. Only if they new what they have done to us the cheated, lied to. I don't know how they can live with themselves and be proud. I often wonder if my hubby feels like a man for all the things he's done. We are separated now for both of us to reflect. I'm sorry that your day isn't a great one.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Most cant actually live with themselves and they certainly aren’t proud. Subconsiously I think that is why they are so careless and unfeeling. If you read others experiences and mine included the ww almost becomes robotic, unemotional. Part of them just shuts down. 

A persons true character usually shows up during times of stress or conflict. Life is easy when things are going great and hard decisions don’t have to be made. You just have to remind yourself that when it came decision time for your spouse he chose wrong each and ever time. He chose to engage in the ea. He chose to deflect blame to you and not face the consequenses of his actions. He is choosing to push you away trying to make you feel bad. Each and every critical decision he failed. 

He is a failure and his actions have backed that up. You stated that you don’t look him in the face when you drop off your daughter. Start looking him directly in the eye, hold back the tears do what you have to but look him in the face. Your not looking at him shows a submissive state to him. You may never get the confession. Yet everytime he looks at the floor or the wall so he doesn’t have to look YOU in the eye well he is confessing and you are showing him that you are done taking his guilt. That will bug him much more than anything.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

J ~

Be Strong !!

VH


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

As everyone has posted Do not expect an apology, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is happy in his own little world because that way, he does not have to face the consequences that he royally fvcked up a wonderful marriage for some stupid affair.

You will be okay. it will take time, you will cry many times, you will wish you could be together, you will want to take him back, but just remember those emails.
Remember those emails and all the hurt and you will be fine!


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## Will Overcome (Apr 1, 2013)

I feel your pain, as I have been going through the same thing. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. It hurts like hell. Just know that you are not alone, and do your best to be strong.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I actually told mine I wanted him to tell me his fault in the demise of our marriage because I had admitted my part. "I don't know" he said. I replied with, "It's a two way street. No marriage falls apart single handedly, and no one is perfect." 

His reply... "I guess I am"

Yes...he actually had the audacity to say that he was perfect instead of acknowledge his faults. He loves to blame any issue he has on me, even behavior issues he has with our children at HIS house. 

So no...do not expect an apology. Do not expect him to take responsibility. By the time they cheat, they have abandoned all thought of personal responsibility. And nothing you will do will change that.


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Today is one week since DD. 
I'm feeling sad and really focused on what went wrong in our relationship before the EA. I'm feeling so guilty about what a terrible partner I was. He tried so hard for many years to make me happy and I was just a jerk. Nothing was good enough, I always wanted more from him. I think I made him feel like he was never good enough.
I do need to carry most of the blame for the demise of the relationship. 
Not a good day, not at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> Today is one week since DD.
> I'm feeling sad and really focused on what went wrong in our relationship before the EA. I'm feeling so guilty about what a terrible partner I was. He tried so hard for many years to make me happy and I was just a jerk. Nothing was good enough, I always wanted more from him. I think I made him feel like he was never good enough.
> I do need to carry most of the blame for the demise of the relationship.
> Not a good day, not at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What was your childhood like?


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

Conrad said:


> What was your childhood like?


oh, it was not too bad, not great, but not bad. Alcoholic father with major trust and jealousy issues. Parents still married, but fought their way through my childhood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jforthegirl said:


> oh, it was not too bad, not great, but not bad. Alcoholic father with major trust and jealousy issues. Parents still married, but fought their way through my childhood.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not surprised, given your description of how you treated your husband when he was with you.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

I sympathise with you, and I hope things turn out well.

I understand that if the other person expressed guilt, you might feel better about the situation. 

But I think, the wonders of the new person make them think about nobody but themselves and what they are feeling.

Perhaps, when the chemicals wear off, the guilt will surface.

Whatever the case, it will be a long time off, and it's never too late to spend your energy on yourself and rediscover life.

The way I look at it is - pretending that everything contains a lesson somewhere (but secretly doubting it!) - perhaps this 'random' hurdle in your life will lead to an equally 'random' encounter, leading to a better future, overall.

Still, what about trust eh? Can anyone be trusted? But second question - does it matter, so long as you go into things with eyes wide open, and bank accounts divided, in future.

Best wishes!


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## jforthegirl (Nov 29, 2013)

This weekend continues to be very hard. 
I feel so depressed that I'm having a hard time keeping a smile on my face for my little girl. 
Hoping that this starts getting better soon....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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