# Help don't know what to do?!?!?!?!



## lostintranslation85 (Feb 20, 2015)

OK I’ll try to keep this as short and concise as possible. My wife and I have been married for 3 and a half years and since day one there has been issues. To start she was molested by her grandfather from the ages of 2-12 so I can understand that there are inherent trust issues towards men and I was willing to work with this and still have and would, the thing is that I feel like her subconscious is sabotaging everything. On top of the fact that she is a major hypocrite, everything that she doesn’t want me to do its ok for her, example I ask her not to hang out with someone for certain reasons and she responds I will hang out with who I want but we split funds and she tries to still tell me what to do with me money, mind you all bills are paid. We have been rocky since the end of Oct and when I ask her what’s going on she never gives me a direct answer and then when I final come to terms it might end and give her space and tell her basically what she asked for and then she gets mad and says she fells alone mind you I get talked down to and somewhat verbally abused. But I take it to a point I am a guy and my father did yell at me like no other so its nothing new. I just don’t know what to do we have three kids and I want and could be happy with her I just don’t think she is capable of being in a relationship. She finds every reason to sabotage things when going good, got her breakfast the other morning and got bacon egg cheese biscuit, got a call while she was one the way to her job saying I got her bacon and ****ed up her morning. This isn’t once and a while behavior she is like this constantly and I just am at the end of my rope I have to real support system or friends to vent to which is why I am here seeking the wisdom of you fine folks. She says I am a horrible husband but I clean cook take care of the kids and pretty much do everything for her I know it’s not right and I am making it worse but you don’t know this woman she takes serious offense to little things can’t joke its stressful like walking on egg shells. But when she is good its fine but those times are far outweighed by the “darker” times. if you want any more details or specifics let me know because this barley cracks the tip of things post would be pages if I went into it all. Advice please……


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Your post is a little hard to sort out -- there are a lot of different issues flying around in there and it's hard for me to tell whether you want advice about something specific or are just venting.

Ten years of sexual abuse is indeed something difficult to overcome, however I don't think that's helpful to focus on other than as background. I would stop with the armchair psychoanalysis about what you think her unconscious is doing. The question is not whether she is "capable" of being in a relationship, but whether YOU want to be in the relationship with her. The dynamic between you and your wife is bad, your relationship, as you see it, is bad. You are unhappy. Your marriage feels "dark" more often than not. 

The only things you can do are try to change things within your control to change. This means either making changes in your relationship or leaving. Self-pity and despair, while natural for all of us to an extent, will not help you or get you anywhere. You sound like you are taking a passive, almost martyr-like approach to the problem. 

If your wife has never behaved any differently than this, it's probably unrealistic to expect her to start behaving differently. Remember, you knew there were issues "from day one" but you did choose to marry her. That doesn't mean you have to stay, but recognizing your power and your active role in that decision is the first step to being able to make a change (whether it's leaving or not).


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Verbal abuse is not ok. Have you talked with her about her behavior and how inappropriate it is and how she makes you feel? I know what you mean about having that feel normal. I also grew up in a verbally abusive household and when my first boyfriend was verbally abusive it just felt normal. But it's not. Has she been through therapy for the molestation?


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## lostintranslation85 (Feb 20, 2015)

Thank you for relying so fast, It was a bit of both venting and advice seeking, I know was a bit hard to follow. I think the possibility is there for her to be in a relationship like I said she has shown me at times some sort of normalcy, I even except arguments, the thing is the littlest things are what send her fuming. Bacon when she didn’t want it. Forgetting the sauce for her French fries, the dumbest things. And I came here because I have tried everything, she asked me to change aspects of my character and I have three years going and still trying to improve I have only asked her to try to control her temper no luck there, I keep the kids and let her go out with friends and unwind I give her space I peruse, I offered to go to marriage counseling big no there, nothing works. Which is why I had to resort to the at home psychiatric diagnoses, I am running out of ideas/options to work with. This is where what’s going on in her head comes into play she says she wants to be married but her actions show other wise and half of the things she does she doesn’t see like, we will be doing fine no problems then out of nowhere a fight breaks out over dinner not being exactly how she wants, or she will tell me she wants space and when I move into the guest room now she feels unloved and what not, it’s say one thing do another and I wonder if she knows she is doing it or if it just happens she swears she tries to control the temper and it makes it worse and I’ve seen her go bat **** crazy to borrow a line from the interview. So to recap she says she wants things to work but doesn’t do anything to try and things I do to try go noticed as screwing with her. I just feel like she wants things sometimes unreasonable and uses that as an excuse to start something rather than try to be happy and content in her marriage because she would rather not be tied down.


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## lostintranslation85 (Feb 20, 2015)

She has and anti depressants but she said this made things worse mind you this was all back when everything came to light and that is almost ten years ago. I tell her how i feel but its sad i have to do so with caution because she easily takes things i say and twists them to seem like i am attacking her and putting her down, like our son was sleeping and we were arguing and i cant lie i used to yell right with her but it doesnt help so i am trying to keep calm and she is yelling and i ask her to be quit and she replies ill talk as loud as i want f you so on so forth. i think she has serious issues and i love her and would love to be with her but i am starting to think it might not be possible in this capacity. Again which is why i am here i haven't had any body to really talk to for the four moths this has been going on so its a lot coming out at once so i apologize if things come out scattered.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

lostintranslation85 said:


> She has and anti depressants but she said this made things worse mind you this was all back when everything came to light and that is almost ten years ago. I tell her how i feel but its sad i have to do so with caution because she easily takes things i say and twists them to seem like i am attacking her and putting her down, like our son was sleeping and we were arguing and i cant lie i used to yell right with her but it doesnt help so i am trying to keep calm and she is yelling and i ask her to be quit and she replies ill talk as loud as i want f you so on so forth. i think she has serious issues and i love her and would love to be with her but i am starting to think it might not be possible in this capacity. Again which is why i am here i haven't had any body to really talk to for the four moths this has been going on so its a lot coming out at once so i apologize if things come out scattered.


I'm sorry, lostintranslation. If she is not willing to change her behavior there is not much you can do. If the medication isn't working then she should talk to her doctor about another type. You have a right to feel safe in your home. It's not good for the kids either. Is she still in therapy? What do you want to do about this situation, lostintranslation? Do you know?


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## lostintranslation85 (Feb 20, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> I'm sorry, lostintranslation. If she is not willing to change her behavior there is not much you can do. If the medication isn't working then she should talk to her doctor about another type. You have a right to feel safe in your home. It's not good for the kids either. Is she still in therapy? What do you want to do about this situation, lostintranslation? Do you know?


 I know i want to be with her but my rope is coming to an end i have tried and tried. she even says she wants a divorce and when i start to act like i dont care she all of a sudden is hurt and doesnt feel loved. im just tired of the BS


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get the mmslp book linked to below. You're dancing to her tune and not yours. She can't repect a man that is that weak.

She wants space, let her sleep on the couch. She needs a man not a butler.

How's your sex life? Has it changed I the last few years?

Does she go out without you? Do you go out without her?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, keep your anger under control. Calmly state your case. If she flips or raises her voice, say....I'm sorry you feel that way. ...and walk off. Discuss nothing with her if she raises her voice.

Tell her she can buy her own sandwich.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

lostintranslation85 said:


> I know i want to be with her but my rope is coming to an end i have tried and tried. she even says she wants a divorce and when i start to act like i dont care she all of a sudden is hurt and doesnt feel loved. im just tired of the BS


It's not about you though. You can't do anything about her behavior. She has to change it. I know depression makes it harder. My dad has depression and he would get really moody. He does better with the medication though. He was undiagnosed when I was a kid because people just didn't talk about mental illness then. But I don't think that all of your wife's behavior can be attributed to the medication. And, of course, she is not like that all the time so you cling to the good times. Sorry you are struggling with this. It's not easy.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google No More Mr Nice Guy free. Download it and read it too. Mmslp below can be downloaded at Amazon.com


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Remember, you knew there were issues "from day one" but you did choose to marry her. That doesn't mean you have to stay, but recognizing your power and your active role in that decision is the first step to being able to make a change (whether it's leaving or not).


No truer words have been spoken.

I have the same problem in some ways that you have. I knew going into marriage that their were issues but chose to ignore them because I figure I would not find anyone better. Now I know it would have been better to not to have married at all. The constant attacks and "walking on egg shells" is familiar territory for me. I'm sorry that this has happened to you but you can only choose to stay and deal with it or get out.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Google No More Mr Nice Guy free. Download it and read it too. Mmslp below can be downloaded at Amazon.com


I don't really think this is going to help in this particular situation. For some people on this board it's like MMSLP is their hammer and every problem starts to look like a nail.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

lostintranslation85 said:


> She has and anti depressants but she said this made things worse mind you this was all back when everything came to light and that is almost ten years ago. I tell her how i feel but its sad i have to do so with caution because she easily takes things i say and twists them to seem like i am attacking her and putting her down, like our son was sleeping and we were arguing and i cant lie i used to yell right with her but it doesnt help so i am trying to keep calm and she is yelling and i ask her to be quit and she replies ill talk as loud as i want f you so on so forth. i think she has serious issues and i love her and would love to be with her but i am starting to think it might not be possible in this capacity. Again which is why i am here i haven't had any body to really talk to for the four moths this has been going on so its a lot coming out at once so i apologize if things come out scattered.


Just wondering -- you say your relationship has been going on for ten years, but you also say that "this" has been going on for four months. What do you mean by "the four months this has been going on?" What was it like before that? What happened four months ago that precipitated a change?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
When people behave like a child then to treat them as an adult is counterproductive. You must calmly and forcefully tell her that this behavior will not be tolerated. You split the finances, do you split the bills? Is she paying her half? If not then see to it that she does. Start treating her like a child throwing a tantrum and let her know you wont stand for it. Be firm. She is behaving irrationally and unreasonably and this needs to stop. Take charge and she'll either tow the line or leave. She needs to grow up. Good luck.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lostintranslation85 said:


> I think she has serious issues.


Perhaps she does, LIT. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, feeling of entitlement, lack of empathy, inability to trust, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.



> She was molested by her grandfather from the ages of 2-12 so I can understand that there are inherent trust issues towards men.


LIT, most abused children do NOT develop BPD or another personality disorder. Such abuse nonetheless GREATLY raises the risk of doing so. Moreover, when the abuse is sexual and done before age five -- as you describe -- there is a very strong association of it with BPD. See *BPD and Childhood Sexual Abuse* and the study, *Child Sex Abuse and BPD*. Also see *Sexual Abuse and Psychiatric Disorders* and the study, *Psychological Consequences of Sexual Abuse*. 

A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008 ) found that 70% of the BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned during childhood. What is believed to occur is that the child's emotional development is frozen at the age of the abuse. In order to survive, the child holds on so tightly to the primitive ego defenses that he never lets go of them to acquire the more mature ego defenses the rest of us learn. Hence, when the abuse occurs before age five -- as typically happens with BPDers -- the child becomes fully reliant throughout life on those primitive ego defenses available to young children. These include projection, denial, magical thinking (e.g., I know God's true intent for you), black-white thinking (e.g., you are with me or against me), and temper tantrums -- the type of childish behaviors you are describing here.



> She is a major hypocrite, everything that she doesn’t want me to do its ok for her.


If she has strong BPD traits, that behavior is to be expected. Like a very young child, a BPDer typically has a double standard where there is one set of rules for herself and another for everyone else. Moreover, both sets of rules will change every few weeks, depending on how she's feeling at the time.



> She finds every reason to sabotage things when going good.


Again, this behavior is to be expected if your W has strong BPD traits. BPDers tend to create the very WORST fights during or immediately after the very BEST of times -- thus sabotaging those events. The primary reason for this is that a BPDer has such a fragile sense of self that she cannot tolerate intimacy for very long. Yes, she craves intimacy like nearly everyone else -- but she cannot handle it for very long because she will start feeling suffocated and controlled by her spouse's strong personality. 

A BPDer therefore usually will create an argument -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away so she can get breathing space and start feeling like a separate individual again. With my BPDer exW, for example, she would start feeling suffocated right after an intimate evening or great weekend -- or in the middle of a week-long vacation. 

Significantly, the BPDer typically creates these fights at the subconscious level. That is, her subconscious projects bad thoughts and hurtful feelings onto her spouse. At a conscious level, then, she is totally unaware of these projections and thus truly believes the outrageous accusations coming out of her mouth.



> She takes serious offense to little things can’t joke its stressful like walking on egg shells.


If your W has strong BPD traits, this is exactly how you would be feeling while living with her. That's why _Stop Walking on Eggshells_ is the name of the #1 best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused spouses.



> She wants a divorce and when i start to act like i dont care she all of a sudden is hurt and doesnt feel loved.


The push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle you describe is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. The BPDer typically will start fights over nothing (so as to push you away) and then, when you start to leave, will switch to behavior that is intended to pull you back. Hence, the BPDer typically wants to blame you for every misfortune and devalue you -- but doesn't want you to leave. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is called _I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!_



> My wife and I have been married for 3 and a half years and since day one there has been issues.


LIT, if you determine you're seeing most BPD warning signs at a strong level, an important issue is how long this has been going on. At issue, then, would be whether you're seeing a temporary flareup of BPD traits or, instead, a persistent problem. 

In this regard, it is significant that you say "there have been issues" since you were married 3.5 years ago. On the other hand, you also say things got worse four months ago. I therefore join John Lee in asking what made things worse 4 months ago -- and whether the issues you saw for over 3 years included most BPD warning signs. I ask because, when BPD traits are a persistent life-long problem, they do not vanish for three years and then appear for only four months. Hence, if that was the case in your situation, you are NOT describing the warning signs for a persistent problem with strong BPD traits.



> I had to resort to the at home psychiatric diagnoses.... Advice please.


LIT, you are not capable of diagnosing your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. I therefore recommend that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with. 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. 

Whereas making a diagnosis is difficult, spotting the red flags is not. Spotting the red flags for a heart attack or stoke, for example, is not difficult even though you have no idea how to go about diagnosing those disorders. Likewise, BPD red flags are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and lack of impulse control.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply. An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, LIT.


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