# Still practically newlyweds, need help



## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

Here's the basic run down of my wife and I's history:
Met almost 4 years ago, dated for ~2 1/2 years before marriage, celebrated 1 year of marriage earlier this month.

Starting just after I proposed to her we began to have sex problems as I've seen plenty of posted around here and I just found this board 10 minutes ago. The night I proposed we had sex twice. After that it was 2 months or so before I had sex again, following that 3 months. I confronted my then fiance, now wife multiple times and all she said was "I'm not a sexual person" or "I just don't want sex all the time." I love her. I get where she's coming from I really do but months in between? Something there doesn't seem healthy.

Finally later that year she admits to me there's some psychological block or something and she talked about seeing a therapist. She was then still in college and could go for free so she did but only twice. She said it wasn't helping but her being a psych major she knows (should have known) it would take more but she just up and quit and claimed that she would fix it herself. I told myself she was right and believed her. Here we are about a year and a half after and not much has changed. I haven't had sex on a birthday or anniversary (sparing the marriage one but even that almost didn't happen) and it still happens once every 2-3 weeks. Now I'm young (23) and so is she (22) so clearly age isn't the issue here. I could understand us not having sex every day but 2-3 weeks in between? Am I wrong for thinking it should be more?

I made the mistake of saying that sex once a week was unacceptable last night. I felt bad when the words escaped me but I'm glad I said it.

I guess what I'm searching for is some sound advice from strangers who may have dealt with this before and could possibly offer me some guidance in this terrible situation. I love my wife. I really do. We listen to most of the same music, we love the same movies and TV shows, we have fun together. We go on dates, we take on house projects together (like painting our new apartment) so emotionally everything else is fine.

Just this one huge issue. Any help would much appreciated.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

You may want to post this in the "Sex in Marriage" forums to get more replies


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may want to bring up the subject of a therapist again, and let her know that things haven't improved in a year, so maybe it's time to bring in a professional... And maybe read in the Man's Forum about manning up, and cooling down your thermostat.

C


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## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

I did and I think the thread was deleted. Any help anywhere I'll take.


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## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

PBear said:


> You may want to bring up the subject of a therapist again, and let her know that things haven't improved in a year, so maybe it's time to bring in a professional... And maybe read in the Man's Forum about manning up, and cooling down your thermostat.
> 
> C


Well she IS talking about going to therapy again.

As for cooling off I don't see the problem in wanting sex more than once a week. I'm already cooled off at this point.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

loadingpleasewait said:


> Finally later that year she admits to me there's some psychological block or something and she talked about seeing a therapist.


What has happened in her past sexually - what do you feel this blockage is (was she sexually abused, overly strict religious uprbringing) , where did it come from? 

When she was younger, did she get intense CRUSHES on hot actors, go Gaga for a favorite Rock star? Do you feel DESIRE/passion from her when she did have sex with you? You probably never asked & maybe feel it's too taboo to talk about , but I wonder if she has masterbated. Does she feel these things are wrong, shameful? 



loadingpleasewait said:


> I made the mistake of saying that sex once a week was unacceptable last night. I felt bad when the words escaped me but I'm glad I said it..


 You need to express how you feel, it is a part of a healthy thriving marriage. Sexual intimacy/ pleasure >> It may be less than 10% of the marraige, but when it is lacking to such a degree, it feels and become 90% of the marital problems.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

loadingpleasewait said:


> Well she IS talking about going to therapy again.
> 
> As for cooling off I don't see the problem in wanting sex more than once a week. I'm already cooled off at this point.


Do a search for "thermostat" in the Men's Forum... I'm definitely not saying that once a week is a problem!  But sometimes to get to where you want to go, you need to take a step back. 

And the "Manning Up" thread is the sticky at the top of the forum. Still there.

C


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

When I was her age I never really wanted to have sex either. I don't know why, it felt great when it happened but I had 100 other things I'd rather be doing.

Nobody told me sex was an integral part of a good marriage. Never. It took until I was 30 to realize how the lack of sex was effecting my husband and our relationship. Poor guy. I really had no idea. I had to take the time to educate myself by reading.

I make it a priority to have sex on a regular basis now, even when its the last thing on my mind. It does wonders for my marriage I have learned. We went from about 1x per month (maybe worse at times) to 1-3 times per week (varies).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You had an open and frank discussion before you were married but you sort of accepted as fact her claim that she's 'messed up' and needs therapy. And by her own admission she never went except perfunctorily. Sounds to me like she had stars in her eyes about being a married Cinderella and generally has a less than adult approach to her relationship with you. And if what you say she says is correct "I don't want sex all the time" (Which in fact wasn't your demand....?) it sounds like however unconsciously it figures in it, she's behaving as if she's snared you and that, as they say, is that. She's got her man, her house her life and everything's great in Cinderella Land. 

Her problem I believe isn't with herself, it's with you. If she's going to go the therapy route, it should be with you.


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## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

Star said:


> Can I ask what type of therapy is she looking at going into? just ordinary relationship/couples/individual counseling?


She's going by herself. She doesn't want me to go with her for that.



SimplyAmorous said:


> What has happened in her past sexually - what do you feel this blockage is (was she sexually abused, overly strict religious uprbringing) , where did it come from?


As far as she's ever said she was never abused nor did she have a strict upbringing. The only celebrity crush she's ever admitted to me was the dude who plays Dr. Sloan on Grey's Anatomy but nothing other than him and she really doesn't get all gaga over him either.



Runs like Dog said:


> You had an open and frank discussion before you were married but you sort of accepted as fact her claim that she's 'messed up' and needs therapy. And by her own admission she never went except perfunctorily. Sounds to me like she had stars in her eyes about being a married Cinderella and generally has a less than adult approach to her relationship with you. And if what you say she says is correct "I don't want sex all the time" (Which in fact wasn't your demand....?) it sounds like however unconsciously it figures in it, she's behaving as if she's snared you and that, as they say, is that. She's got her man, her house her life and everything's great in Cinderella Land.
> 
> Her problem I believe isn't with herself, it's with you. If she's going to go the therapy route, it should be with you.


You're saying I need to go with her? I would except that she doesn't want me to.

She's found someone who "specializes" in sex drive therapy. Not exactly the terms used by the doctor but something to that extent.

My biggest concern now is how long do I wait and be unhappy? I love this woman and she is perfect for me except this one thing. Its already been over two years of waiting and I'd rather not be on the wrong side of 40 (not that there's anything wrong with aging) and having to start all over again.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes I would go with her. I can't see the upside of going to a sex therapist alone. *She resists because of shame.* Tell her you'll go with her and listen to whatever anyone has to say w/o comment. Tell her you'll sit in your underwear if that helps. But in any case it's not about 'sex' just sex. But since this is a maturity thing, you MUST do this together. 

In case you've not noticed so far, EVERY argument EVERYONE ever has is about EVERYTHING EXCEPT what they're yelling at each other about.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are not wrong, and don't start subscribing to her agenda that your sexual needs too high, wrong, make you a pervert and all of that. Also, stating what is not acceptable to you is a GREAT thing to do. Don't ever be ashamed to state your needs and stick to it. Being too nice and swallowing your own feelings just makes the problem worse. Being at your age and pre Children, I would tell you her sexual desires will only go down down down as the stress of life and child rearing emerges. Also, don't convince yourself that everything is great except for the sex part... This will set you up for a life of misery. This is the most critical part of marriage for a man.

She will not do therapy or make any meaningful steps until she feels some pressure from you that her marriage is on the line. IF you fear that she will leave you if you give her an ultimatum, which essentially says that both of you have to be equal partners in the marriage in order for there to be a marriage, then you are not going to fix it.

In the meantime, you should do some self examination and make sure you yourself are acting as sexually attractively as possible.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I just said this in another thread, but there is a lot more to sex than just the orgasms. Perhaps you can slowly introduce the idea of sexual touching. Find out where she likes to be touched most and casually focus on it when you're out doing something. Stimulating those centers can often lead to arousal later.

Or let her know that you pleasuring her also gives you pleasure. There was an episode of Friends where a character was doing a scientific study where he couldn't have sex for two weeks, but didn't want to let his girlfriend know. So for that time he "was just there... for her." He wasn't allowed to cllmax, so he made her pleasure his only goal. If you adopt that approach and let her know that it doesn't matter if you come, she may relax more.

I had a very similar problem when I got married. I made sex into such a BIG, IMPORTANT thing that when either I or my wife didn't come, I got very disappointed and I didn't want to do it again, even though I couldn't really communicate this to my wife effectively. When I was able to come to the realization that sex isn't a mission objective to be completed and then move on, but a theme park ride to be enjoyed again and again, it became much easier for me.


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## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

Hicks said:


> In the meantime, you should do some self examination and make sure you yourself are acting as sexually attractively as possible.


I've lost a little more than 100 pounds since we got married a year ago. I changed my hairstyle and for the most part how I dress to make myself more aesthetically pleasing for her.

That shouldn't be the problem. I hope.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

loadingpleasewait said:


> I've lost a little more than 100 pounds since we got married a year ago. I changed my hairstyle and for the most part how I dress to make myself more aesthetically pleasing for her.
> 
> That shouldn't be the problem. I hope.


Listen to PBear. Go to the Men's forum. Turning down the thermostat isn't what you think. 

Kuddos on the weight loss! :smthumbup:


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

We all have those issues. Well not months in between maybe like a week.

To me thats a long time .....

You can get threw this and you have to remember this much. Find out exactly what the issue is. It might be a lot of talking, crying, ect but you need to find out.


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## jellybeanz_1978 (Mar 13, 2011)

maybe your wife is stressed!

you are both young, and at your ages you dont have the life experiences that someone older does and this causes other stresses. I am speaking from experience because my husband and i were married at your ages. my sex drive back then wasnt nearly as high as it is now at 32, with 2 kids now even!! I was constantly stressed.

money
getting my education completed
learning to be independant
living with someone
is it going to work or am i goign to be a statistic and divorced within 2 years because alot of people are secretly betting against it lasting when you are young.
the block you talked about, i dont know what that is and honestly i haven't read through all the posts so i dont know if you mentioned that she had a sexual trauma or not. if she did, it's obvious why she has issues then. i had sex and intimacy issues because my ex cheated on me and got a couple of other women pregnant while we were together. i found out about them after i had kicked him out. 

sex once a week, are you kidding me, you are expecting too much if you think that you are being cheated because you are only getting it once a week. you are both at a stressful and hectic time in your life, as you get older and things start to fall into place the sex life gets better, from my experience anyway. we went from sex once every couple of months to sex a couple of times a week, and right now we are back in a bit of a lul of once every couple of weeks again, because things are stressful and i dont feel appreciated at the moment, so he will need to check himself and how he's treating me at the moment for the attraction and desire to be there again... it doesnt mean you are doomed, but stressing her out even more because of your expectation of frequency isnt going to get you it any more often.

after reading some of the posts I also think:
Is she self concious of herself now that you are more desireable after having lost so much weight and getting a new hair do? is she embarrassed by the way she looks? does she see you looking at beautiful women and feel that you wish you were with someone else who was prettier? Is she depressed? I am not saying she is right not to have sex with you, but your situation is what it is, and the debate isnt about wheather she is right or not, it's about trying to figure out the reasons for it.


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## loadingpleasewait (Mar 30, 2011)

jellybeanz_1978 said:


> maybe your wife is stressed!
> 
> 
> after reading some of the posts I also think:
> Is she self concious of herself now that you are more desireable after having lost so much weight and getting a new hair do? is she embarrassed by the way she looks? does she see you looking at beautiful women and feel that you wish you were with someone else who was prettier? Is she depressed? I am not saying she is right not to have sex with you, but your situation is what it is, and the debate isnt about wheather she is right or not, it's about trying to figure out the reasons for it.


She has always been self conscious but she's a gorgeous woman.

No, I don't think my change in appearance has had any negative effect on her. And I definitely do not look at other women when she's with me.


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