# Daughter wants to move in with Fiance - very dissappointed



## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I will admit, I am old fashioned. So my first reaction to my daughter informing me that she wants to move in with her Fiance to save money, is that no - it will save me money as 1) I do not have to ever pay for a wedding - as in my mind you are married if you live with your fiance - and you are his responsibility now 2) I can stop paying for your car insurance, clothes, medical, and any other misc. expenses that you have - see number 1 above - not my responsibility any more. I have communicated this and she has been balling her eyes out since.

My daughter just graduated college. She is going to pursue becoming a professional athlete. For graduation, I gave her significant money to pursue this plus transferred the car that I had provided her - into her name - and committed to paying for her clothes, medical, car insurance, etc. while she pursues this. She, has to pay rent, food, and all money needed to pursue her sport.



What I would like input on is - am I just old fashioned or maybe just hurt to be losing my daughter - or - is this really a BAD idea. My gut says it is - but, I would like someone from the outside who is not losing their daughter - but can look at this objectively.

Thank you in advance for you input.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I say... get over it, it's 2016. This isn't 50 years ago where people get married at 17 and stay married forever even if they are in a miserable marriage.

I doubt he's going to get a $20K job right out of college. Let them figure out life. I agree, stop supporting her financially. If they end up getting married, be supportive. It's definitely time for her to support herself 100%.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, your daughter wants to shack up and still have you paying some of her bills - welcome to independence. On the other hand, it sounds like she is ambitious and may learn real quick that trust fund baby is not. Hope they enjoy riding around in that $65,000 truck (wth) because they'll be eating taco bell and McD's. Also, a lot can happen between now and 40. He best hope his trust fund is funded with sure bets.

You may be old-fashioned but it's your money so spend it where you want. It sounds like you've already spent a bundle getting her to this point.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I wouldn't say you are losing your daughter. She is just growing up and establishing a life of her own. She will always be your daughter, and I'm sure you wish the best for her and just want her to be happy.

If you think she's making a mistake, you pretty much have to let her make her own mistakes at this point, since that's part of becoming an adult. You can give her your opinion and guidance, but it's up to her to choose the path she takes in her own life. She's going to do what she wants anyway! 

Your disagreement doesn't seem insurmountable. Most people wouldn't consider her "married" just for moving in with her fiance, especially if they plan to have a longer engagement, so you may have to agree to disagree on that. Wedding expenses...maybe they can wait to have a wedding until they can pay for something small. 

The car insurance and other stuff...I'd say if she's adult enough to move in with her fiance, she's old enough to be responsible for her own bills, maybe with a little extra birthday money from dad. Or maybe you can give her a time limit, like you'll cover car insurance and medical for 6 months, but after that, she has to have her own plan to pay for it. That may give her time to figure it out.

Good luck!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

THAT is exactly what kids do today. they rent an apartment, and split the cost. Sometimes 4 or 5 in the apartment. It is REALLY common here in Boston. 

So, the fact that he does not have a great job actually makes this living arrangement even more attractive.

My ONLY concern is....how serious is she about this relationship? I mean, if you sign a one year lease, and 3 months in she finds she detests this guy...it is not going to go well. If they are formally betrothed though, i guess you could assume they are serious...


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You said they live very far away....she could have not told you. So at least it shows she is honest with you. If I were you I would be more concerned that she is getting married so young. 
Cut off the support, she wants to play grown up, paying her own ways is on her.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I'm not sure what your concerned about. You're ok with them having sex, but moving in together is too much?

As for you paying her bills, that needs to stop. She's engaged, she is already her fiance's responsibility. She needs to grow up, and become an adult. If your daughter and her fiance can't stand on their own two feet financially, they don't have any business getting married.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'm with the others. A college student living at home or on/off campus with parental support is one thing. A college graduate living with her fiance is another. If she is adult enough to decide she is going to marry her fiance and if she is adult enough to decide she wants to live with him, then it's time she and he be adult enough to pay their own way.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Aspydad said:


> I will admit, I am old fashioned. So my first reaction to my daughter informing me that she wants to move in with her Fiance to save money, is that no - it will save me money as 1) I do not have to ever pay for a wedding - as in my mind you are married if you live with your fiance - and you are his responsibility now 2) I can stop paying for your car insurance, clothes, medical, and any other misc. expenses that you have - see number 1 above - not my responsibility any more. I have communicated this and she has been balling her eyes out since.
> 
> My daughter just graduated college. She is going to pursue becoming a professional athlete. For graduation, I gave her significant money to pursue this plus transferred the car that I had provided her - into her name - and committed to paying for her clothes, medical, car insurance, etc. while she pursues this. She, has to pay rent, food, and all money needed to pursue her sport.
> 
> ...


Leave out everything her fiancé is/has.

You already told her you were willing to support her while she worked to become a professional athlete. Was there ever a stipulation that she had to continue to live at home for this to happen? Or is it just that you don't want to continue to support her if she's going to be living with a partner? If she moved out and lived on her own, somewhere suitable for pursuing her employment, would that be okay with you?

It sounds like she is basically expecting you to continue to support her while she lives like an independent adult. She probably isn't as "old-fashioned" as you are, in that she doesn't think that her fiancé should be expected to support her if she moves in with him. She thinks that they would be a modern partnership, each paying their own expenses. And her expenses would be subsidized by you, as per your earlier agreement at her graduation. So she thinks you are reneging on that agreement as a punishment or manipulation to prevent her from moving out.

So now, let's bring the fiancé back into things. What do you think is so bad about your daughter living with him? Do you think she'll go far away to where he is? Do you think he has no appreciation for money and would make her pay his expenses, which means you'd end up subsidizing more? Do you think the relationship is doomed to failure and would derail her athletic dreams? I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're disappointed by.

You may not have meant it, but I think she got the impression from your simple 'save money' comments that you are making her choose between her true love and her athletic dreams.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

My Dad always told my sisters and I DO NOT MOVE IN WITH A MAN. Not if you want to remain marriage material. I have to say that the 3 of us girls do all have very good marriages. Of the 3 brothers, one had a family out of wedlock, split up and then years later when the kids are teens, got back together and got married. Their teenagers were EXTREMELY happy that they got married. I'm talking it turned them from the typical surly full of attitude teenagers always getting into something, to just being model citizens. One goes to college this year and she does not want to leave home because she says she missed out on having a home with both Mom and Dad for too many years. 

Another brother is married with kids. They seem to fight a lot but they've been married for about 8 years now, I think. They lived together first and then got married later at the JP.

Third brother is the baby of the family, the only one of us to graduate college 2 years ago but still can't manage to save two cents to live on his own. All the rest of us own our homes. Has a baby almost 2 yrs old but broke up with the girl before the baby turned one. He does have 50/50 custody and actually has the baby 50 percent of the time, but part of that time the baby is with one of us or our parents. 

I said all this to say my Dad practically forbid my sisters and I to live with a man and didn't permit any of us to stay out overnight with a man while living at home. But to the 3 boys it was "go get 'em, tiger!" I will never understand it, and neither does my Mom. But he's old school, I guess...

As for me, our kids are 2 yrs and 6 months, 3rd on the way. We have discussed this and we will strongly advise them against shacking up, both the boy, and the girl. We don't go for the try before you buy theory as it pertains to living together. We are not yet in agreement as far as advising them to waiting for marriage to have sex; I say yes, H not so sure. Disclaimer: we did not wait but I wish we had.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

You agreed to pay for certain expenses for her and now you retract that because she chose to move in with her fiance and thereby save on rent.

You have not expressed a concern about her career choice (you were willing to support that) or that she might not be serious enough if she moves in with him.

The whole "a college graduate should support herself" argument falls flat because you would be willing to pay for her car insurance and other bills if she would live alone.

To me it sounds more like a try to maintain control over her life or a punishment for Daddy's little girl for having a serious relationship with her fiance and you want to make her choose between Daddy's money and her fiance.

I also don't get why you talk about her fiance's trust fund and that his brother would get the money if he died before he gets 40. Why do you care about other people's money?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Continue to be her Dad. After all, she can have as many boyfriends as she wants, marry any number of times, but know this, Aspydad, you will always be the only Dad in her life.

So long as you don't blow it, OK?

Sad to say, life is not like this, anymore









But we can make it as like that as we can.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

I absolutely believe she should be financially independent if she wants to move out. But I also think your threats, especially about not paying for her wedding, are a means of manipulation. I would tread carefully if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter. My father made similar threats to me (worse threats really) and I ended up moving out anyway. I differ from your daughter in the sense that I didn't want a dime and would have been happier living in a craphole than living at home anymore. But I there was a lot of resentment over the threats I got. 

Ask yourself if she were a boy, would you make the same threats? You are lucky she even told you the truth. I lived with my husband 2 years without my parents knowing and without being married.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Its a shame, really. You are doing the right thing but for the wrong reasons. If she has graduated college and wants to live independently, she should be able to do it without your everyday financial help. Sounds at though you have already been generous up to this point. Forcing her to stand on her own and take responsibility for her future would be great to build her character, if that's what you were actually doing.

Instead, you have chosen to use the financial support you already promised as an instrument to control the life choices of a fully grown woman. What is your great objection? Do you believe they are not having sex now but will begin once they cohabitate? Are you afraid of what family and friends will whisper behind your back? Are you just not ready to accept that your little girl is no longer your little girl anymore?

It's too late now to make any real impact on her values. You had that opportunity when she was growing up. Once they are adults, the best you can do is love them and hope their choices will lead to positive outcomes in their lives.

I'm not saying you need to support her financially now, I actually think it would be better to encourage her to stand on her own. Problem is, you already promised to support her and now are going back on that promise for clearly articulated, controlling reasons. This will likely cause some serious problems in your relationship with her in the future. Take this path at your own risk.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP made his generous offer to help her before he knew she wanted to move in with the fiance. If he had known up front, he may have taken his stand then. People are allowed to change their minds when circumstances change. 

It's pretty sad when two college graduates who both have jobs expect their parents/grandparents to support them. They could have gotten their degrees in fields which were higher paying. As it is, the fiance is depending on Grandma to fund his life and the daughter is depending on daddy to supplement her income. Entitled much?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
How does one coerce a mature independent woman with money? One does not, the woman simply pays her own way. You have made your daughter a generous offer with stipulations that you have set. If she gets an offer for employment there will be stipulations, of that you can be sure. They will require things of her that she may not care for but that is life and so is this. If I were you I would hold to my values as you may be the last man standing that has any.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Could it be that dad is concerned about his daughter starting the marriage in a way that could jeopardize it before it gets off ground. Studies consistently show that couples that live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate than those who didn't.

As for promising support as long as she's home focused on her career goal. If she instead wants to set up shop with a man that may not be able to hold his end of the bills then father is within his rights to say to his daughter if you want change the plans he is withdrawing the assistance. 

Some here have said the father is being too old fashion. But it could be that dad is getting a bad vibe about this guy. This is his daughter. There probably is not a person on this planet that loves her as much as he does. If your gut is telling you its a bad idea he should voice his concerns.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I do appreciate the input that everyone has given. I would like to respond to each individually, but I am not that good at using this forum. I have read all the responses and will try to give my thoughts and what the current status of the situation is.

For those of you that think I am trying to manipulate and use my financial influence - or go back on my word I will say this:

I have two daughters, and they have both known since they were very young - that the order in life goes like this: Graduate high school, I pay for college - 50% at least ( as long as they are not married) – then get a job and get on their own - at that point they are on their own and they can get married or do whatever they want with a caveat - if they move in with a man prior to marriage – I will not pay for a wedding - period . Also, if at any time prior to graduating they get married or decide to pretend they are married - they are on their own. My daughters both know this and have known this since they were very young –that that is the deal.

This may sound harsh – or that I am controlling – I get that. But, I am of the firm belief that marriage is the ultimate union between two people – there is a commitment like no other that you will ever make – and this union is until death do you part. 

This young man that my daughter is engaged to – seems to be wonderful from every aspect. But, I have only spent limited time with him. Also, I do trust my daughter to choose her mate – and these two have been together for four years. I do know however, that this young man comes from a broken home and it was a quite nasty divorce – the Dad had an affair and that was just devastating to this young man – his hero treated his mother like something that can just be discarded. This happened about eight years ago and to this day he has very limited contact with his father. 

Actually, I have told my daughter – that they should just get married now – she knows I will pay for a nice wedding. But these two are set on waiting a few years until they get on their feet – which is exactly what I did before getting married. Certainly, if they get married I would help – and I would give them a nice wedding present – and I know this man’s grandmother would give them a good start as well – so really any financial leverage is not there. I actually think though, that my daughter likes having the security of being tied to my wife and I while she starts her business and just as this young man likes having the security of his grandmother being there for him. 

I have tried to design the financial arrangement with my daughter so that she has skin in the game – when she runs out of seed money that I give her (if she does as she just may win allot of money) I will lend her enough money to get her through her first year – she will have to pay me back though. If she shows improvement and she is happy with what she is doing – I will give her more seed money. I have never done this before – so it is all new to me and I am trying to help her out the best I can without actually hindering her chances to success.

My daughter has been back in communication with my wife and me – she wanted to make sure that I am really that convicted that she not move in with her boyfriend – I informed her that I made a decision along time ago – that my girls would understand the importance of the marriage decision – and if I was to bless her – or approve of her moving in with a man while not being married – then I would be endorsing the concept that marriage is not important – not just her marriage – but, my own marriage. So anther words – I HAVE NO CHOICE – PERIOD.

So the way this is going down – she is going to rent a one bedroom apartment ($1100 per month plus utilities) and her Fiancé is going to rent the same type just a few apartments down. I think that it is stupid for him to do that - but, I will keep that to myself – he can do whatever he wants. My opinion is that he needs to just move home – 1.5 hours away from my daughter and find a job prior to signing a lease – he is limiting himself to only being able to work in the town that my daughter lives in.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Thanks for clarifying. That makes a lot more sense. If you made it clear from the beginning that you would not pay for a wedding if she ever moved in with a man, then she knows the deal and needs to accept the consequences. It does sound like a pretty bad idea for them to each rent apartments without getting jobs. They are going to learn the value of money the hard way.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Celes said:


> I absolutely believe she should be financially independent if she wants to move out. But I also think your threats, especially about not paying for her wedding, are a means of manipulation. I would tread carefully if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your daughter. My father made similar threats to me (worse threats really) and I ended up moving out anyway. I differ from your daughter in the sense that I didn't want a dime and would have been happier living in a craphole than living at home anymore. But I there was a lot of resentment over the threats I got.
> 
> Ask yourself if she were a boy, would you make the same threats? You are lucky she even told you the truth. I lived with my husband 2 years without my parents knowing and without being married.



my wifes dad did similar ****. He promised her a big wedding, then it turned into a small picnic in his back yard, then it turned into NADA. We ended up taking out a loan and had the wedding we wanted. But for the next decade, she was pretty frigin pissed off at him for lying to her.

Your word is your bond. If you promised a wedding, give them a wedding. period


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What my DD25 did when she moved in with her boyfriend this spring out of our house was negotiate with us how much she would pay us to cover her phone/insurance/credit card while living with him. I pushed her to move in with him from our house because she still wasn't acting like a true adult - she still worried about our thoughts over hers, she was afraid to take chances...I wanted her to experience living like a true adult.

Nowadays, this doesn't mean she's promiscuous or bad or a wild child. It's what people do. With divorce rates more than 50% now, to me it makes sense to try living together out to have a better idea if they're going to get along together.

What YOU need to do is figure out if this is you just wanting her to 'have' your values or if this is a financial issue. If it's the latter, just sit her down and tell her to come up with a new financial plan with you. If it's the former, you have bigger problems to deal with.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Well, let's just clarify something from the start: She's not living with him to save money. That's the oldest excuse in the book..so old that even kids know it's really just as expensive to live with a boyfriend as it is, say..with a room mate of the same gender. She's living with him b/c she's got stars in her eyes and wants to be with him 24/7. Ahhh, youth...

My concern here is that you seem to be making this mostly about you and your values, and your feelings that she's disregarding them, yet still wants and needs things from you. Instead, the real issue is the wholesomeness of her choices FOR HER, as well as the potential consequences. That's what the dialogue needs to be.

I get where you're coming from with your values and your rules, but the overriding questions here are 1) Are they interfering with your ability to judge the potential consequences of her choices and parent her, and 2) Are they worth potentially losing (and more surely damaging ) your relationship with her?

If the answer is "NO", which is what I'd hope..then I think you should tuck your ego back in and forget your rules and restart the dialogue by listening to her. What are her/their plans? What is their time frame? How will they accomplish all this? And most importantly, how can you help them? No matter how lousy her choice might seem, you really do want it to succeed, for her sake.

They're kids. They don't always think things thru. They need our help and our guidance, which sometimes means letting go of how you hoped it all would be.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Aspydad said:


> I will admit, I am old fashioned. So my first reaction to my daughter informing me that she wants to move in with her Fiance to save money, is that no - it will save me money as 1) I do not have to ever pay for a wedding - as in my mind you are married if you live with your fiance - and you are his responsibility now 2) I can stop paying for your car insurance, clothes, medical, and any other misc. expenses that you have - see number 1 above - not my responsibility any more. I have communicated this and she has been balling her eyes out since.
> 
> My daughter just graduated college. She is going to pursue becoming a professional athlete. For graduation, I gave her significant money to pursue this plus transferred the car that I had provided her - into her name - and committed to paying for her clothes, medical, car insurance, etc. while she pursues this. She, has to pay rent, food, and all money needed to pursue her sport.
> 
> ...




Mrs.CuddleBug and I got engaged and moved in together about 3 or 4 days before we got married.

I didn't do this to disrespect both sets of parents and God. I did this because I wanted everything to be as smooth as possible. Come our post wedding gift opening, I had bought so much stuff no one could really get us anything. We also didn't want to come back from our honeymoon and then have to find a place to rent. We did all this 3 to 4 days before we got married. Those were the only reasons.

I hear what you are saying though.

Aaaah, to be young, only happens once.....decisions aren't so logical.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> What my DD25 did when she moved in with her boyfriend this spring out of our house was negotiate with us how much she would pay us to cover her phone/insurance/credit card while living with him. I pushed her to move in with him from our house because she still wasn't acting like a true adult - she still worried about our thoughts over hers, she was afraid to take chances...I wanted her to experience living like a true adult.
> 
> Nowadays, this doesn't mean she's promiscuous or bad or a wild child. It's what people do. With divorce rates more than 50% now, to me it makes sense to try living together out to have a better idea if they're going to get along together.
> 
> What YOU need to do is figure out if this is you just wanting her to 'have' your values or if this is a financial issue. If it's the latter, just sit her down and tell her to come up with a new financial plan with you. If it's the former, you have bigger problems to deal with.


I love my daughter more than life itself. This is why it is very difficult for me to say no to anything she requests. Also, no matter what she does – I will never turn my back on her – I will always be there for her if she ever needs me. To be clear - I have told her that I would prefer for her to get married now if she wants to move in with her fiancé - why wait?? I have also told her, from the time she was very young, that if she moves in with a man prior to being married - then to me they are married already - and it would be a farce for me to pay for a wedding and walk her down the aisle. So that is the deal that I have made with both daughters. Why? Because I think that marriage is forever - there is no trial period and no let's see if we are really compatible. That is not the tradition of my family - and I will say - I have been married for close to 28 years - my wife's parents were married until her mother died – my parents for over 50 years - all sets of my wife and my grandparents married until death - no divorces even when you get to our great grandparents. Tradition is a powerful thing. So that is one of the things that I am passing on to all of our kids and I am dead serious about this. So I have no choice but to stand by my convictions.

I am not saying that my philosophy is the only way. My brother lived with his now wife for at least two years before they married and they are still going strong 22 years later. Now, he did pay for his wedding as her father and mother refused to do so as they did not approve of the arrangement. However, the parents did pay for a very nice reception once they got back from eloping to Hawaii. 

I will say this though – do I think chances are better in forming a lifelong relationship if a couple does not move in together for a trial period?? Absolutely!! I think it can be so damaging long term – and if you look at the statistics – this is a proven thing. Say during this trial period that it does not work out – to me, both of the participants are now going to have to live with this the rest of their lives. I tell you – if I was available and was interested in a girl – if she had already lived with someone – I would be turned off as I would consider this girl to have already being married or to have lived in such a way that shows that she cannot make a long term commitment. But that’s just me – to each his own I guess.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

There is a good book by Dr Willard Harley called Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders...

Often people are unaware that they are Renters (call it test driving or acclimating to each other)...it can beget a mindset that there is an out...which, by default, creates a less than firm foundation of commitment toward a long-term relationship like marriage.

OP- it sounds like you want your daughters to live with intentionality


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, I'm pretty in tune with the younger generation. My DD25 keeps me involved with everything she and her friends do and say. And I can't think of a single one of her friends who believes what you believe. What I'm trying to say is people have changed. This generation has changed. And what you're basically doing is using money to control your daughter to your belief system, whether it's what she believes or not. And that's not a great feeling for a young woman to have. She loves you but...she'll always have that in the back of her mind.

Now, I'm not saying she's right and you're wrong. I'm making no moral statements. And I fully agree that if you wait til you're married, you have more at stake and may be more invested.

I'm just saying that if you sit with her and let HER come up with things that work for her, rather than just telling her what you're willing to do and accept, you'll keep a better relationship with her.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't think things have changed. People that are young and in love want to be together.

32 Years Ago, after college, my girlfriend and I could have rented two apartments. I would have paid rent in the other apartment. I probably would have never stayed there. And then we could have told our parents that we didn't move in together. It would have cost us another $500/month, money that we didn't have.

Instead, we moved in together. We lived that way for a couple of months until I got a job in another town and had to move. We lived apart for 6 months and during that time, each weekend, I traveled to see her and we lived together for weekends. After the six months, we moved in together again and lived 'in sin' for the next 2 years until we got married. Been married now for 28 years. 

Never regretted living together before marriage. Would have been stupid to waste money on a second apartment knowing that we would be together all the time anyhow.

So now your daughter and her fiance are paying for two apartments instead of one, so that they can say they aren't living together. How much time do you really think they will be apart? Makes no sense to me at all. It is tough enough financially when first starting out without having to pay for an empty apartment.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't think things have changed. People that are young and in love want to be together.
> 
> 32 Years Ago, after college, my girlfriend and I could have rented two apartments. I would have paid rent in the other apartment. I probably would have never stayed there. And then we could have told our parents that we didn't move in together. It would have cost us another $500/month, money that we didn't have.
> 
> ...


Like a said above, the way I believe is not the only way. Living in sin?? Not my place to define sin so I would never use that terminology. 

My daughter and I are very close. My future son in law - my wife and I have treated him very respectfully. His step-Grandfather (who I met last year - and is married to the Grandma mentioned here) is the kind of guy that just says whatever comes to his mind - almost 80 years old. So I am sitting next to him at dinner - he tells me that his Grandson (daughters fiance) does not agree with everything I believe in - but, respects that I have always been consistent and knows that the women he loves came from my home. So my take is that he thinks I must have done a few things right.

So here is the new status: Future son in law has now talked my daughter into getting a roommate - and he actually approached the roommate (that they both know very well) and my daughter now is going to move in with this other girl into a two bedroom apartment (that is even nicer than the one they had picked out.) My future son in law is very economic minded as well - he is now trying to find a roommate as well - and is delaying until he finds employment - is going to move back home at the end of this month. I do believe Grandma was not in favor of him getting a 1100 / mo apartment without having a job. 



Believe me - I understand that he is going to spend the night with my daughter all the time. They already do that by the way - I am not stupid. They actually have traveled together for her sport (and I like that as I know he will protect and take care of her) and they stay in the same hotel room - that I paid for. I know what they do - it is the same thing my wife and I did prior to getting married - we dated for 4.5 years.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Aspydad said:


> Like a said above, the way I believe is not the only way. Living in sin?? Not my place to define sin so I would never use that terminology.
> 
> My daughter and I are very close. My future son in law - my wife and I have treated him very respectfully. His step-Grandfather (who I met last year - and is married to the Grandma mentioned here) is the kind of guy that just says whatever comes to his mind - almost 80 years old. So I am sitting next to him at dinner - he tells me that his Grandson (daughters fiance) does not agree with everything I believe in - but, respects that I have always been consistent and knows that the women he loves came from my home. So my take is that he thinks I must have done a few things right.
> 
> ...


So you realize that he will be spending the night with her all the time? Like you said, they are already doing that. 

So in reality they are already living together.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sometimes it is best to let young adults to learn by their own mistakes. If you offered to pay without any strings attached or stipulations then honor what you offered.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> So you realize that he will be spending the night with her all the time? Like you said, they are already doing that.
> 
> So in reality they are already living together.


Not every night - but if it is late, I would not expect him to have to drive home late. He will not be living there with her so I disagree with your statement.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> So you realize that he will be spending the night with her all the time? Like you said, they are already doing that.
> 
> So in reality they are already living together.


Yeah, you gotta recognize that the kids are just going through some elaborate gyrations to "save face with dad." I guess it leaves everybody happy. Money keeps flowing to the daughter while she offers plausible "on-paper" justification that they are not living together. As you know with apartments in the same building, they will be together 24/7, will be eating all meals together, watching TV together and likely sleeping together nightly. I really don't see how this differs from "living together," at all. 

The good news, I guess, is that they respect you enough to go through with the charade. But that's all it is. It's an elaborate show put on almost exclusively for your benefit. Guess you have to stand for your principles, so good for you. But from here, it looks an awful lot like a hollow victory. You essentially establish the precedent that appearances are more important than reality. You've taught them a lesson that the ol' man can be placated by surface gestures rather than the substance of their behavior. 

Rest assured, there will be bigger, more important hills to fight on in the future. Parents get to play the "moral authority" card only so many times with their adult children. You just totally wasted one of your bullets.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm old fashioned to. I would never allow any of my daughters to move in with a guy before married. No discussion...period. That's just the way it's supposed to work. If They move out anyway that will be it, no more financial help with anything. If you want to make a mistake like this with your life, you live then and don't cry to me when you have money problems or the relationship falls apart and you have no where to go.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Talk to her and let her know you are upset. Nowadays, people do not think twice about moving in with their SO, however this does not mean YOU must change your world view.
I would suggest you stop paying for her insurance etc, she is an adult and if she is time for her to begin "adulating" haha....

Oftentimes, parents like to shelter their children even after they have become adults, this sheltering hinders their development.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's a dilemma.. not sure what to say.. people just don't marry young today.. even those who feel strongly that Marriage it good, just and the right thing to do... it's a different world in which we live.. our education comes before all.. our hormones just get in the way to complicate things.. 

I actually lived with my husband for years and didn't go all the way.. I moved in with his parents when I was 18 (I was living in a camper before that.. and his dad told him I was moving in).....our rooms were separated by his brothers room... 

I feel almost silly or embarrassed to say that.. as others wouldn't have believed it.. or surely wondered what was wrong with my husband for not pushing.. we had our fun...just not "all the way" fun.. I'm sure your daughter and her Bf is enjoying all that.. 

Sad to say... but I think us older parents just have to suck it up.. we live in a different time...chances are, our kids won't be following the more traditional rules we had in our day...barely any one around them are today... everything is morally acceptable today.. I don't particularly like it either.. believe me.. it only further hurts marriage..and it's intended meaning.. 

I really don't know what to say.. but I agree.. you have every right to withhold your financial support if you feel she has crossed that line to where he is taking the place as her lover and they are enjoying all a married couple would.. 

I would feel very similar.. it's her life.. she can do what she wants.. but so can Dad... how does your wife feel , what does she say?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You don't have to like it. But as an adult, you have to let her do it.

My buddy's brother in law had this dillema recently. I told him to withdraw his non-school financial support for her (she was in her early 20's so I don't know why he was paying her way 100% anyway), tell her he didn't like it but it was her decision. He countered with the fact that the guy was a do-nothing loser. I countered with "be happy she's not marrying him then."

3 months later she had booted him out and learned a lot about relationships. She's dating a super nice guy now.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's a dilemma.. not sure what to say.. people just don't marry young today.. even those who feel strongly that Marriage it good, just and the right thing to do... it's a different world in which we live.. our education comes before all.. our hormones just get in the way to complicate things..
> 
> I actually lived with my husband for years and didn't go all the way.. I moved in with his parents when I was 18 (I was living in a camper before that.. and his dad told him I was moving in).....our rooms were separated by his brothers room...
> 
> ...


Since the night my daughter decided to Facetime with my wife and me to make this request for our blessing - where I listened, processed for about 1 second - and responded very definitively - I have not spoken about this since with her. All communication has been with my wife - who is side by side with me on this - BAD IDEA IS OUR RESPONSE.

The thing is - my daughter knows me - so her husband "to be" put her up to this - and I would say her balling her eyes out that night was not the outcome he was expecting. She was at his place for God's sake - I knew he was right there in the background listening.

All I have to say is having daughters means lots of DRAMA!! Boys are SOOO much easier!!!


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> You don't have to like it. But as an adult, you have to let her do it.
> 
> My buddy's brother in law had this dillema recently. I told him to withdraw his non-school financial support for her (she was in her early 20's so I don't know why he was paying her way 100% anyway), tell her he didn't like it but it was her decision. He countered with the fact that the guy was a do-nothing loser. I countered with "be happy she's not marrying him then."
> 
> 3 months later she had booted him out and learned a lot about relationships. She's dating a super nice guy now.


My daughter is one of those who has always had to have a boyfriend since 9th grade. She dated this guy throughout high school - guy was two years older - I forbid it at first but then decided to let her go - she learned that it was a big mistake the hard way - admitted that I was right. This dude ended up being emotionally abusive to her in the end before she dumped him.

Without my blessing - she will not do it. My belief is that she just went to us on this at fiance's request to make him happy - now he knows we are dead serious. If he upsets the balance / relationship between my daughter and my wife / me - he is going to have one unhappy partner - who by the way is pursuing something that requires a very balanced life in order to be successful.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Aspydad said:


> My daughter is one of those who has always had to have a boyfriend since 9th grade. She dated this guy throughout high school - guy was two years older - I forbid it at first but then decided to let her go - she learned that it was a big mistake the hard way - admitted that I was right. This dude ended up being emotionally abusive to her in the end before she dumped him.
> 
> Without my blessing - she will not do it. My belief is that she just went to us on this at fiance's request to make him happy - now he knows we are dead serious. If he upsets the balance / relationship between my daughter and my wife / me - he is going to have one unhappy partner - who by the way is pursuing something that requires a very balanced life in order to be successful.


How old is she?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Aspydad said:


> Since the night my daughter decided to Facetime with my wife and me to make this request for our blessing - where I listened, processed for about 1 second - and responded very definitively - I have not spoken about this since with her. All communication has been with my wife - who is side by side with me on this - BAD IDEA IS OUR RESPONSE.
> 
> *The thing is - my daughter knows me - so her husband "to be" put her up to this - and I would say her balling her eyes out that night was not the outcome he was expecting. *She was at his place for God's sake - I knew he was right there in the background listening.
> 
> All I have to say is having daughters means lots of DRAMA!! Boys are SOOO much easier!!!


See, I don't like that. This dude should be man enough and talk to you not send your daughter. I know these are different times but if this guy loves your daughter, then why not do $hit the right way. 

I know "times" have changed but if he REALLY loves your daughter and wants to be with her, then show it with actions.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If he put her up to it, then she is still taking it all in. She is probably humiliated and ashamed of herself for not standing up to the trust fund baby. She just got an inkling of what her life with this guy will be like. Bide your time - this isn't over yet.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Aspydad said:


> So here is the new status: Future son in law has now talked my daughter into getting a roommate - and he actually approached the roommate (that they both know very well) and *my daughter now is going to move in with this other girl into a two bedroom apartment *(that is even nicer than the one they had picked out.) My future son in law is very economic minded as well - *he is now trying to find a roommate as well - and is delaying until he finds employment - is going to move back home at the end of this month.* I do believe Grandma was not in favor of him getting a 1100 / mo apartment without having a job.
> 
> *Believe me - I understand that he is going to spend the night with my daughter all the time*.


Well, now all my sympathy goes to the roommates. Because they each will be getting 1.5 roommates since the happy couple will be spending every night together. It sucks to be the roommate and have some guy there ALL the time, a guy who does not pay rent or utilities and is hogging the tv, the living room, the kitchen, room in the fridge, the shower...whatever space is being shared.

Been there, done that, and it is SO INFURIATING. Leads to getting kicked out.

I hope they will be considerate of their future roommates and at least spread out the pain by alternating which apartment they camp out in, and I hope they warn them about the constantly present guest before they agree to be roommates.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What happened to Aspy's post that you quoted?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> How old is she?


She is 23. Just completed her masters degree.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Aspydad, did you delete your up-date post?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Aspydad, did you delete your up-date post?


Sorry for the delay in response. My password was not working and I just now was able to reset it.

As far as I can tell, all my posts are here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aspydad said:


> Not every night - but if it is late, I would not expect him to have to drive home late. He will not be living there with her so I disagree with your statement.


I thought you said he was getting an apartment in the same place?


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

turnera2 said:


> I thought you said he was getting an apartment in the same place?


He was. But things keep changing. Now - as of today (and she has submitted the application for her new apartment) she is going to sign a 12 month lease starting July 1st. But, she is going to sublet it to her fiance for the months of July and August. She will move in on Sept 1st. She is presently living in an apartment that she has sublet for June and July - but she will be living on the other side of the country for the entire month of August so it will work out well. She does not have to rent a storage unit for her things and will only have 10 months left on the lease when she moves in in September. This gives fiance another couple of months in the town where they went to college so he can hopefully find a job. 

Otherwise - fiance was going to have to move home (1.5 to 2 hours away) with his Mother as Grandma were not in favor of him leasing an apartment for 12 months without having a job lined up.

This is turning out OK.


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