# I am at the end of my rope..any advice is appreciated



## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

My husband and I have had problems for years now. It started when we got married and I moved into his house. We have different ways of doing things, if he wants to get something done he wants it done now. Over the years however, I have developed a more lax attitude. If I don't get something done today then I get it done tomorrow or maybe even next week. I have found that stressing myself out over having to get things done 'right now' has not worked for me. If I think I need a moment to relax even though things still need to get done I'll take that moment.

He is the total opposite. He is very anal when it comes to getting things done. I can live with him being anal, however, I feel he can't accept the fact that I am not like him. He doesn't say anything until we have a fight and then the accusations just come flying. He believes that he does everything around the house. I admit that he does a whole lot (more than me) but he doesn't do it all. It really hurts when he says that, especially since I have been trying to do a lot more household stuff because I know thats what he likes. 

I feel like the stuff that I do that might not be as visible as vaccuum cleaning (you can see that the carpet is clean) is not taken into account at all (like taking the kids to boy scouts or other functions, paying the bills, taking care of all those things that seem minor (like downloading music, fixing or updating the computer, taking care of any kind of paperwork (taxes, letters) etc.) but take up time too. I feel like if its not done on his schedule (when he likes it done) then I failed at my duties as a wife.

I know when I first moved in/we got married, I slacked in a lot of things household wise. I wasn't the best wife, I know that. I guess I was glad that there was somebody that finally was taking all those duties from me (I had my own house beforehand and took care of all things myself - I don't have any family here).

I have read the "Love Languages" and know that my husbands 'love language' is acts of service. Mine on the other hand is giving me undevided attention-listening (I don't remember what it was called). I don't feel that I am getting that at all. He always does nice things for me, like ironing my shirt, making me lunch, but even though I think this is great I feel I really need that undevided attention, for him to share stuff with me. He always says that when he doesn't tell me about something (like what his mom or sister are doing) that its because he didn't think it was important.

For me that's part of being in a relationship though. Sharing things. The worst part is that he expects me to share all those things but he doesn't think he needs to do that. If I don't share something then he says I am playing "tit for tat."

Last year he betrayed me by talking to another woman through e-mail and on the phone. When I confronted him he immediately stopped and made a real effort in regards to our relationship. I know (I checked up on it) that he didn't have a physical relationship with her but I believe it was an emotional relationship. He says because nothing he did for me was right and he couldn't talk to me that he needed to talk to somebody and she happened to be there.

I believe that he really loves me, more than he has ever loved any other woman. And I believe that he talked to her out of desperation for emotional intimacy that he didn't get from me but I have a hard time getting over that. The trust is broken (I am by nature not a very trusting person). How do I get it back?
I am sorry this was so long, however, I would appreciate an honest opinion on my situation. Also, please, any men, chime in here. I am trying to figure out how I can make this different.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Again, I'm going to suggest the book Fascinating Womanhood. Men don't go looking for other women for sex, it's for acceptance. One of the first suggestions in the book is to accept your husband just as he is, no nagging, no trying to change him and focus on his positive aspects. I know what you mean by being left out of information you'd really like to hear. But men can be like that, they really don't see the big deal. Argh. Just let is slide and appreciate the things he does want to share with you.

The book will help you understand what it is that men just adore in a wife and helps you to develop those things that really do come naturally to us. He will never think to look elsewhere if you are meeting those needs. 

On the anal OCD aspect, when he's putting you down, what he's really going for is appreciation. I know, he's doing it in a crappy way but go for it, tell him, Honey you did a great job, thank you for doing x, y, and z. You the man! And give him a big hug and kiss.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hi Applepies, thanks for replying.
I do tell him that I appreciate what he does (I am trying to tell him every time I notice it). Maybe I just don't notice it every time he does clean or straighten something up?
I guess I am frustrated because I have been trying to fulfill his needs (his love language is acts of service) by doing more chores and being more affectionate (he told me he likes that) but he has only recipocated with acts of service (doing chores) for me which is NOT my love language and I told him that.

I told him that I appreciated all the things he does and that he does a lot more than me (I can admit that) but is it crazy for me to think that I would like my needs met as well? It's like he doesn't hear me and just recipocates with what he would like me to do. This is especially hard for me since the trust is gone. I realize he talked to another woman because he didn't feel he could talk to me and we fought a lot but it still hurt very badly. I deliberately stayed away from talking to other men during that time because I knew the downfalls and what can happen.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

There is an emotional needs survery at the marriage builder site. I printed out two, dh (dear husband) filled out one and I filled out one. We went to village inn for coffee and to discuss. I wanted to go somewhere so he couldn't say this is stupid and walk away. lol

He was surprised at my responses, he kept saying 'that's important to you?' and he was starting to make an effort on those things. Touch is important to me and appreciation. 

It kind of turned on the light, him seeing it in black and white. Concrete. Sometimes men need specific details, you know? We women can analyze and figure things out when it comes to emotional issues. Guys like my dh, not so much.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hi Applepies,
Thanks for your suggestions, I will try that. Do you have the website for that marriage site?


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

I just asked my husband for a separation. I hope I did the right thing but I need to know if I am just trying to hold on to a sinking ship or if I am really committed to this. I thought I was committed but I am just not sure anymore. 

These doubts keep creeping up that maybe we are just not compatable at all. That its like squeezing a round peg into a square hole. It'll hold for a while but it is bound to 'pop out' again.

That's how I feel, like our personalities don't mesh at all. I guess they never really have but I was willing to overlook it but I feel alone and neglected and disconnected from him. Anybody is or was in the same boat? How did it turn out for you?


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Here's the website...

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Praying that your request wakes him up to what he is about to lose. :hug


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

This might be a good article to share to help him understand how you feel...

Why Women Leave Men


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks Applepies, again, for your help!


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Hello,
I haven't written in a little while. For some reason the separation never happened (neither one of us moved out). We had a couple more fights since my last post. He called me a c**t. That really hurt. I have called him a d**k before but never anything that I feel is as bad as c**t.

I get so upset because he acts so indifferent. I threw his phone and broke it. Of course I apologized, it wasn't right to do that. I don't know why he can get such a rise out of me. I used to be so calm and collect. Maybe it's because I don't feel him showing that he loves me. I feel like right now I need him to show me physically (I don't mean sex, I mean hugging, kissing, holding hands) that he wants to be with me. He told me that if he wasn't in love with me he would have already left. I guess I can see that logic but since he betrayed me my distrust is in high gear and it takes all I have to not make a mountain out of a molehill.

He hasn't given me any reason to doubt his commitment to me since the betrayal but he actually doesn't think that he betrayed me (that upsets me the most). He thinks he found a 'buddy' (happened to be a female) who he could talk to about stuff he couldn't talk to me about and who made him feel good about himself.

My question is: If you didn't think you did something wrong why didn't you tell me about the e-mails and long phone calls? To me that shows that you knew you did something wrong. What do you think?

I don't know if I can ever get that trust back. I trusted him completely and even though we had bad fights I always thought that at least he loved me and we would get through it. Now I am not sure. I do believe he loves me but I don't know if I can ever trust him 100% again.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

I think he needs to understand that if something he did, caused you pain, he needs to consider your feelings about it.

In his mind, the friendship was no big deal. But, a spouse getting close to an opposite sex friend is tricky. At church, if a woman needs to talk to somebody, they have women counselors. If a man is having an issue, they have male counselors. It's because that line is so easy to cross when you are opening up on emotional issues.

That's what happens in the work place sometimes, a woman will talk to male coworker about a difficult spouse. Or vis-a-versa. Then the coworker starts taking importance, they see each other everyday, they work together and then it becomes too easy to take it to the next level.

If my dh had a woman friend that he talked to a lot, emails and whatnot, I would be seriously hurt.

Did your dh apologize for using that term? I would be really hurt by words like that. Hugs to you.


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## Christine11 (Sep 13, 2010)

Yes he did but that kind of stuff just sticks with me. He has called me a piece of **** before too. He thinks because he apologized I should be over it and move on but I don't think it's that easy, at least not for me. The one thing I have always counted on during all the fights was the security of knowing that he loved me and would be faithful. I know he loves me but he has crossed the line with that extreme close and secret friendship, so what would make me think he wouldn't do it again?

To me this was a big deal. I know it's not a physical affair but it doesn't hurt any less. I don't think he really understands that.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Yes!! When our spouse does something and we say that hurt me, if they treat our feelings as not important or tell us we don't have a reason to feel that way, it's a double whammy. It's crazy making. Not only do I not care you are hurt, I tell you it's not right to be hurt over it.

OUCH. Not sayin your dh did that, but mine has.

We have a right to feel any way we do, feelings are feelings. When someone close to us doesn't take them as important, it is a huge love buster (as the marriage builder site calls it).


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