# How do you tell them it's over?



## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

I am here because I want to divorce my husband. We have been together since we were 16 years old and have a 16 year old son who is graduating this year. We were separated for a year and I moved back into the house in May of this year. While I hate to admit this I had an emotional affair and was caught kissing the OM in a parking lot by my husbands friends. He immediately kicked me out of the house which I do not blame him for as I would have done the same. 

He's been emotionally and verbally abusive and a few times physically abusive in the past 12 years. However, when it turns physical I can defend myself and have in the past. The emotional abuse has hurt worse than any bullet or other weapon ever could. He used to call me fat, fatty, chubs, thick, chunky, etc. He has not called me that for over a year now because I told him I would literally kill him if he ever said that to me again.

So here we are back into a relationship and trying to work on things but he nit picks and nags at every stupid little thing and it is driving me CRAZY! i have asked him to share financial information with me as I never know what he has coming in or what he has to pay out and it has been that way for years. To me that is not a marriage, when you are married everything should be shared. I have asked him a few times about getting the bills together and going over things and he has yet to do so. I have told him that his FB bothers me because I do not have one and have no idea who he is talking to, he is very secretive about his phone and i feel he may be having a revenge affair and just stringing me along to pay for the bills that i pay. I put down boundaries and he just crosses them every time. I asked him to please not text and drive while I am in the vehicle and he just disregards my request and does it anyways. it makes me feel totally unsafe and anxious.

A few weeks back we went to a concert and he got upset because i went out to smoke with my cousin. When we came back in her and i went to the bathroom and i joked with her that i dropped her phone in the toilet. So we came back out and found him and his friend and I told him about the joke I played on her and he said yeah well you smell like ****. I KNEW he was talking about the cigarette smoke smell so I snapped back "well when we were apart and you were with Angie you probably didn't mind since she is a smoker so why give me a hard time and be so controlling?". Without even a second to let the words i said register he slapped me in my face in a crowded bar with my cousin and his friend standing right there. I still cannot believe he hit me like that in a public place. If my eyes could have shot daggers he would be dead right now. He is brushing it off like it is not a big deal because he did not hit me that hard! WTF? He apologized later that night and i said yeah because apologizing makes it ok right? He says it is no different than when we are messing around and you tell me to shut it and slap my face. First of all when we are messing around it is NEVER out of anger and is never hard at all, usually laughing and smiling is happening not mean dirty looks like he gave me that night.

So it's been 3 weeks and I still don't know what to do. I cannot let him keep crossing the boundaries I am laying down. Physical hitting, texting and driving, and financial information shared are boundaries I told him about before I moved back in. Yet here we are almost 6 moths later and he is breaking them all down like they don't mean anything. I am tied of being disrespected and it is really hard for me to respect someone that has ZERO respect for me. He's been taking off for hours on end with little to no communication and so I sit there at the house just waiting for him to come home or text back and let me know what is going on. I have had enough, i will no longer sit and wait for him to come home I will pack up my stuff and hit the gym or go to a friends or anything to get out of the house.

My question is, how do you tell someone so controlling that it is over and I want to divorce and be on my own? I've had a few talks with him the past 2 months telling him I am not happy and clearly he is not happy and maybe we should go our own way. It falls on deaf ears and the next day he thinks things are ok. He has told me that it is my fault for abandoning him (umm he kicked me out) and that is why his credit is so screwed up now. For 5 months after I moved out I still paid most of the bills at the house even though I was not living there. My guess is his many bar nights out and treating everyone for drinks made it impossible for him to keep up on his bills. WE make about the same and I have figured that if I can make it on my own so can he!

Help!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

csteel09 said:


> My question is, how do you tell someone so controlling that it is over and I want to divorce and be on my own?


You simply say, "This marriage is over. I want a divorce."

And then you file.

Before you do that, line up a place to go (an apartment? family? a friend?), some cash in your own account, and a plan to move forward. Consult an attorney first.


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## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

Thank you! I am working on that now. I almost have enough money saved up for a security deposit and first months rent on an apartment. I also need to find a new car before winter gets here. I am just worried he will not give me anything and I will be stuck buying all new furniture. I know the rule is 50 /50 especially in our situation where everything we have we bought together. I also don't want to take things from the home that my son uses. My son will not leave his dad.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

and PLEASE don't EVER go back no matter what he says or how you FEEL. Stay with your LOGIC going forward...DUDE


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

csteel09 said:


> He has not called me that for over a year now because I told him I would literally kill him if he ever said that to me again.


You threatened to take his life in retaliation for a cheap insult? That's rather severe. 



csteel09 said:


> he is very secretive about his phone


Think about it. What other reasons could he have for being secretive about his phone other than one or more other women? The answer of course, is "none".



csteel09 said:


> I asked him to please not text and drive while I am in the vehicle and he just disregards my request and does it anyways.


Texting while driving would be a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. She could cheat, do hard drugs, abuse me, spend all our money, but if she texts while driving it's all over. Everyone has their limits. 



csteel09 said:


> he got upset because i went out to smoke with my cousin.


Maybe he cares about your health. Smoking causes cancer. In fact you could say that smoking is even more dangerous than texting while driving. Last time I looked cigarettes were $10 a pack! Think about what else you could be doing with that money besides increasing your chances for cancer.



csteel09 said:


> ****. I KNEW he was talking about the cigarette smoke smell so I snapped back "well when we were apart and you were with Angie you probably didn't mind since she is a smoker so why give me a hard time and be so controlling?".


Because she was temporary. He put up with her smoking in exchange for good temporary sex. 



csteel09 said:


> I still cannot believe he hit me like that in a public place.


So it's ok if he hits you like that in a private place?



csteel09 said:


> He's been taking off for hours on end with little to no communication and so I sit there at the house just waiting for him to come home or text back and let me know what is going on


Do you really want him to text you and tell you that he's having sex with Angie?



csteel09 said:


> My question is, how do you tell someone so controlling that it is over and I want to divorce and be on my own?


You go and file for divorce and when he gets the papers he'll know. If you expect a violent reaction than serve him with a restraining order at the same time.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He doesn't have to "give" you anything. You own half of everything you acquired together during your marriage. You simply schedule move-out day unbeknownst to him, take half of the furnishings, dishes, pots and pans, silverware, sheets/towels, etc. That's what I did while then-husband was at work. He came home to a half-furnished house.

Videotape the "before and after" so the court can clearly see that you did not "wipe out" everything from the marital residence. Document everything. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Videotape the "before and after" so the court can clearly see that you did not "wipe out" everything from the marital residence.


Better yet, video tape the before and after- then take the second half of everything.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

This sounds like a really bad marriage and I personally would run away while I still could. Does your son witness any of this abuse?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Buy a newspaper and take photos of EVERYTHING with the front page in the photo. That will prove the condition of the home and furnishings as of that date. Email them to yourself.

Make copies of all important documents - bills, legal docs, etc. or photograph them with your phone and email to yourself.\

You won't need much for a car - you can get one with very little down except tax and title and fees in many places. 

I get why you reacted - I've been there. He's been tearing you down and you snapped. You told him many times that it hurts your feelings and he just didn't care. 

Do you have any strong male friends? Or husbands of female friends who can help you move and be present as witnesses and to diffuse the situation? 

Do stop smoking. I know leaving will be hard and stressful so wait until that's over. Then tackle a new, healthier lifestyle. Do it for you and noone else.


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## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

Thank you all for the advice! Unfortunately my son has witnessed some of the abuse and is now himself in a relationship and i am seeing some of the same traits from his father and how he talks to me in how he talks to his girlfriend. I always step in whenever I hear it and call him out on his BS. I just don't want my son and his girlfriend to end up like we are. So many years together and we just have nothing to talk about anymore. I don't truly feel like myself anymore and it really sucks. But i know I need to snap out of this state of depression and do more for myself. I can be the only one in charge of my own happiness!

I know smoking is terrible and disgusting and expensive, $7.50 her in MI. I quit once before for almost 5 years but got super stressed when we separated and it was the first hing i grabbed for and now I am sucked in again. But if I did it before I can do it again!


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I would seriously consider family counseling instead of marriage counseling since your son has witnessed some of the abuse and has been mimicking some of his dad’s bad behavior. If the counseling doesn’t work then you and your son should probably step away and start a new life. I never want to advocate divorce, ever, but in cases of abuse sometimes it’s better to stay safe and not sorry. There are some divorce forms and resources you can get online now, I hope I can help you in any way. Free Divorce and Free Divorce Papers - all 50 States - Document Do It Yourself Service


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

"Without even a second to let the words i said register he slapped me in my face in a crowded bar with my cousin and his friend standing right there. I still cannot believe he hit me like that in a public place. If my eyes could have shot daggers he would be dead right now."

Your eyes shooting daggers is not going to accomplish anything.
Him slapping/hitting you, whether in public or private, should be unacceptable to you. It should be unacceptable in any marriage.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> "Without even a second to let the words i said register he slapped me in my face in a crowded bar with my cousin and his friend standing right there. I still cannot believe he hit me like that in a public place. If my eyes could have shot daggers he would be dead right now."
> 
> Your eyes shooting daggers is not going to accomplish anything.
> Him slapping/hitting you, whether in public or private, should be unacceptable to you. It should be unacceptable in any marriage.


I agree 100% with this. No one should be slapping each other in the face...it's freaking abuse. And embarrassing in public. Staring at him will do nothing to remedy the situation...I probably would have decked him for it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

This is why I advised you to leave and stay away from him. You gained nothing but more pain and your son is turning out to be a clone of his father.

If you take a look at it from a factual side, staying married to him has done more harm to you, your son, and his girlfriend.

There is still time for your son as long as you are decisive and get him into therapy.

Sorry to say, but you have not protected your son from his father and he is a product of that environment that you allowed to occur.

You went with your emotion and love and nothing has changed. Now is time for your logical side to take over, no matter how much it hurts now. You will have time to heal sooner rather than later or perhaps never.

If possible, keep the text messages, voice mails, emails, or anything else that can show the type of person he is. Seek help from a shelter, they have experience with helping victims leave their abuser.

Your marriage became more important than your son and yourself. Also read about abuse and the impact it has on their victims.

He was better off not having your husband around, and you take blame for that as well. Children are helpless and you allowed a broken person to mold your child.

And as long as you are with him, you will be vulnerable. You crave love, caring, being cherished,respected, and you never taken into consideration if your partner is capable of providing any of that.

Abuse and Stockholm syndrome go hand in hand. By sympathising with your abuser as a survival mechanism. You feel sorry for his pain, his past, and that makes you care and form a bond. Abusers will often show their victims their hurt, vulnerability and short periods of caring before reverting to old patterns and behavior. It took years to build up, and will take years to hopefully undo. Your son has an uphill battle that may take years for him to be healthy enough for a relationship. Someone should protect his girlfriend from him.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Why are you asking people how to do something you don't even have to do? You don't have to tell him. You don't need his permission or his agreement. Why do you keep "telling him I am not happy and clearly he is not happy and maybe we should go our own way?" Again, you don't need his permission or agreement. If you fear his reaction, then leave while he is at work and son is in school.


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## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

So I told him today it is over. He is of course flipping it around on me making me feel like the bad guy. But I am remaining calm and not letting him change my mind. He says he doesn't feel good enough and he feels like a failure. I said funny you say that because that's what I have been telling you for months now about myself. With all the nit picking and nagging I feel like I cant say or do anything right and who wants to live life like that? I filled out an application for a one bedroom apartment close to work and am just waiting to hear back if they approve me or not and when I can move in. Scared to go home and continue on with the conversation.....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'd rather have half your stuff than all of you.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

csteel09 said:


> So I told him today it is over. He is of course flipping it around on me making me feel like the bad guy. But I am remaining calm and not letting him change my mind. He says he doesn't feel good enough and he feels like a failure. I said funny you say that because that's what I have been telling you for months now about myself. With all the nit picking and nagging I feel like I cant say or do anything right and who wants to live life like that? I filled out an application for a one bedroom apartment close to work and am just waiting to hear back if they approve me or not and when I can move in. Scared to go home and continue on with the conversation.....


Moving out and separating from a marriage is a really hard thing to do emotionally and sometimes financially. But you do know what is right for you to be happy and I believe everything will work out in the end. He is making you feel guilty about leaving him hoping you will change your mind. He is just hurt, you can't blame him for his feelings but if leaving is what you are going to do don't play games and leave, come back, leave, come back type of thing because that will be more damaging. He was abusing you and that is not good for you or your son to be witnessing. I gave you a good link for free divorce forms on the first page, I hope it helps you.


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## csteel09 (Apr 29, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'd rather have half your stuff than all of you.


Wow, that's pretty harsh!


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