# My husband wants to "take a break"



## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years (we are 30 now, started daiting at 19, 20), we have a beautiful daughter who will be 7 soon. Lately I know something isn't quit right, I feel like he is distant, he doesn't say I love you as much as before, doesn't really call/text me during the day. We have had this conversation often in the past few months and he says that he still loves me and he swore to our daughter that he isn't cheating. So, yesterday I asked him again, what is wrong? Why is he distant? Why do I feel like he doesn't love me as much as before? And then and there he took it all out, he said that he has been feeling unappreciated, he is a nurse, he just started a new job that he totally LOVES as a marketing manager/nurse, and I gave him such a hard time because now he has to be traveling, i gave him bad attitude for months, complained about everything, he would get home from work and I would be mad at him for no reason, he had a business dinner not too long ago and I called the restaurant to see if he was there, I admit I have been doing all the wrong things in my marriage. I asked him again yesterday if there was someone else and he swore to our daughter again that he hasn't met anyone, and that he is not cheating at all, he just says that I dont support him at all and that he feels disappointed, that he wants to start school again and I dont seem happy for him about the good changes in his life, I have been unemployed for a year and he has been supporting our family, paying the mortgage all by himself, and I just spent this whole year spending money on clothes, shoes and all that, not giving him a chance to buy anything for himself, I spent thousands of dollars on myself during quarantine, while he was dealing with Covid patients and having the worst time of his life with this Pandemic.
My dad passed away January 2020, after this our marriage went downhill, i got in a depression that affected my life, my marriage, he tried to be there for me but was also so devoted to his job, and was so busy all the time, the other day I told him that he didn't support me and wasn't there much for me after my dad passed, that he spent his days busy working, and I felt very alone, this disappointed him even more because he now feels like he has hurt me.
He said he needs to take a break, that I am the love of his life, his best friend, but he needs to sort out his feelings for me, because he feels hurt by everything mentioned above, he said that he thinks he is still in love with me, otherwise he would have told me right away that he wanted a divorce because he doesn't want us to waste time if there is nothing to do to fix our marriage, but he feels positive about taking a break and giving each other some space, he says he needs to work on himself and find out who he is now, but he feels like this time apart will make things better and will help our marriage be stronger, and for us to bond together even more. He says his desire for me is still there, he feels strongly sexually connected to me and we haven't stopped having sex, in fact, he says that even if we are on a break, he still wants to meet and make love to me, he says he still feels that crazy desire for me as the first times we were dating, even after this talk, he has been pursuing me to have sex, but I just dont feel like it, I feel hurt. He also said that he wants some time apart but doesn't want us dating other people, that this is not what this is about, its about personal growth and that he feels very positive we are going to come back stronger in our marriage. He also doesn't want our friends and families to know about this, only his mom and grandma because thats where he will be staying during our time apart.
Im not sure what to do here, im not sure how to get him to be himself again, Im so hurt, what if he doesn't love me anymore? Where do I go from here?
As of now I am trying to play it cool and let him chase after me, I have cut back on being touchy feeling and saying I love you and all that, actually i haven't texted him at all, and he just texted me like an hour ago to see how my mom was doing (she had eye surgery) and after i updated him on my mom recovery, I said, hey, we will talk later when you come home from work, im busy at the moment.
We also had a reservation from Friday to Sunday at a beach hotel, which I cancelled because I told him I wasn't going to go on this trip with him being confused about his feelings for me, we were going to use this time together to reconnect as a couple, and he still wanted to go after the talk yesterday, but I told him that I didn't want to go anymore. I dont know what to do, Im at a loss, im depressed, couldn't sleep yesterday, i dont have an appetite, haven't eated since yesterday 😪😪😪😪😪


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sounds like a lot of his efforts go unappreciated. Doesn't sound like you have treated him in a fair way.

I'd be upset also if I were him.

You are letting him "chase you"? Better be careful, if you really did treat him poorly, you should be chasing him.

When someone has made mistakes and is then unapologetic about it, it creates resentment.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years (we are 30 now, started daiting at 19, 20), we have a beautiful daughter who will be 7 soon. Lately I know something isn't quit right, I feel like he is distant, he doesn't say I love you as much as before, doesn't really call/text me during the day. We have had this conversation often in the past few months and he says that he still loves me and he swore to our daughter that he isn't cheating. So, yesterday I asked him again, what is wrong? Why is he distant? Why do I feel like he doesn't love me as much as before? And then and there he took it all out, he said that he has been feeling unappreciated, he is a nurse, he just started a new job that he totally LOVES as a marketing manager/nurse, and I gave him such a hard time because now he has to be traveling, i gave him bad attitude for months, complained about everything, he would get home from work and I would be mad at him for no reason, he had a business dinner not too long ago and I called the restaurant to see if he was there, I admit I have been doing all the wrong things in my marriage. I asked him again yesterday if there was someone else and he swore to our daughter again that he hasn't met anyone, and that he is not cheating at all, he just says that I dont support him at all and that he feels disappointed, that he wants to start school again and I dont seem happy for him about the good changes in his life, I have been unemployed for a year and he has been supporting our family, paying the mortgage all by himself, and I just spent this whole year spending money on clothes, shoes and all that, not giving him a chance to buy anything for himself, I spent thousands of dollars on myself during quarantine, while he was dealing with Covid patients and having the worst time of his life with this Pandemic.
> My dad passed away January 2020, after this our marriage went downhill, i got in a depression that affected my life, my marriage, he tried to be there for me but was also so devoted to his job, and was so busy all the time, the other day I told him that he didn't support me and wasn't there much for me after my dad passed, that he spent his days busy working, and I felt very alone, this disappointed him even more because he now feels like he has hurt me.
> He said he needs to take a break, that I am the love of his life, his best friend, but he needs to sort out his feelings for me, because he feels hurt by everything mentioned above, he said that he thinks he is still in love with me, otherwise he would have told me right away that he wanted a divorce because he doesn't want us to waste time if there is nothing to do to fix our marriage, but he feels positive about taking a break and giving each other some space, he says he needs to work on himself and find out who he is now, but he feels like this time apart will make things better and will help our marriage be stronger, and for us to bond together even more. He says his desire for me is still there, he feels strongly sexually connected to me and we haven't stopped having sex, in fact, he says that even if we are on a break, he still wants to meet and make love to me, he says he still feels that crazy desire for me as the first times we were dating, even after this talk, he has been pursuing me to have sex, but I just dont feel like it, I feel hurt. He also said that he wants some time apart but doesn't want us dating other people, that this is not what this is about, its about personal growth and that he feels very positive we are going to come back stronger in our marriage. He also doesn't want our friends and families to know about this, only his mom and grandma because thats where he will be staying during our time apart.
> Im not sure what to do here, im not sure how to get him to be himself again, Im so hurt, what if he doesn't love me anymore? Where do I go from here?
> ...


So he's a nurse working with Covid patients for a year, you hang around the house buying clothes and shoes and then complain you feel lonely. Then while you're worried about his feelings for you, you go and cancel a trip intended for you to begin to reconnect. Please explain the logic if this to me, because it sounds like the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are making this all about you, how you feel, your fears. You say you want him to be chasing you, but you do the exact opposite of what was the smart thing, he will not be chasing as a result he will be running away.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Uh, wow. 
While I think spending time apart isn't usually helpful. It sounds to me like you are doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing. He says he's under appreciated (and it sounds like he is) and you want to step back from him? 

I can see why he feels like he does...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think people are being a little harsh on the OP here.

If my spouse told me they wanted to take a break and were acting cold and distant but still wanting me to keep doing husbandly duties while she hung out doing her own thing, the last thing I would be doing is “chasing” her and trying to rub her feet. 

I’d offer MC and an open channel for communication but otherwise she would be in the marriage out due diligence into addressing the issues in which case I would work with her...

.... or if she wanted her own place and presumably to get with other dudes, it would be working on asset division and child care agreements and each go their own way. 

Has the OP been the perfect wife? Probably not. 

But that doesn’t mean he gets to come and go and use her to drain his tank and launder his underwear while he goes and lives off by himself hooking up with whoever and then coming back the next week with a load of dirty underwear and penis to drain.

She has the right to say, “all in or all out.”

Either he commits to being in the marriage and addressing the issues with due diligence and sincerity, or he drains his own lizard and washes his own underwear and allows her to do the same.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why are you "swearing to your daughter"? Why would you be talking about cheating in front of her?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is to spend more time with someone else or prep for divorce. Go online and look at the cell phone bill.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why are you "swearing to your daughter"? Why would you be talking about cheating in front of her?


That's what hit me. This little girl is just 6 YEARS OLD. Why on earth are you talking about this in front of such a small child let alone him swearing things to her. Unbelievable.

As for him wanting to leave and 'find himself' and see if he still loves you, really bad idea, it rarely works and usually ends in divorce or cheating. I would either say well you are free to go but if you do thats it, or agree on a set time of say no more than 2 months and after that you want a decision. Otherwise it could drag on for many months with no resolution. As for him wanting to pop back for sex, WHAT??????NO way. How can he even think thats appropriate?

It does sound as if you have acted selfishly, but how about you suggest that he stays and you both go to marriage counselling? That would help far more than him abandoning you both and upsetting the child. It would also show if he really is interested in trying to make it work or not. 
Oh and you need to tell someone in your family or a friend whatever he says.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Why are you "swearing to your daughter"? Why would you be talking about cheating in front of her?





Diana7 said:


> That's what hit me. This little girl is just 6 YEARS OLD. Why on earth are you talking about this in front of such a small child let alone him swearing things to her. Unbelievable.


I thought that at first too, but I think the OP meant her husband is saying things like "I swear on our daughters life that I'm not cheating" rather than promising his daughter that he isn't. At least I hope that's what going on...


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> That's what hit me. This little girl is just 6 YEARS OLD. Why on earth are you talking about this in front of such a small child let alone him swearing things to her. Unbelievable.
> 
> As for him wanting to leave and 'find himself' and see if he still loves you, really bad idea, it rarely works and usually ends in divorce or cheating. I would either say well you are free to go but if you do thats it, or agree on a set time of say no more than 2 months and after that you want a decision. Otherwise it could drag on for many months with no resolution. As for him wanting to pop back for sex, WHAT??????NO way. How can he even think thats appropriate?
> 
> ...


I interpreted this as swearing on his daughter. Like I swear on my kids lives.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, really weird phrasing then (swear to his daughter).


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Look, you’ve both made mistakes, ok, that happens.

But a big thing a that stands out to me is that he’s asking you to keep things quiet, but only his mum and grandma are allowed to know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d say he’s cheating. He should divorce you before he starts chasing other women.
What you’ve described of yourself as a wife is about as opposite as a man could possibly want. 
However, I do still think he’s cheating.
Cheaters especially love to swear on their kids lives apparently. I’ve heard that several times.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

This sounds like he wants separation to try and see what else he can get without you knowing. I could be wrong but I dont see why else you can't work on the relationship while together.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t think you should be keeping this quiet. He’s on the way out, but doing it very slowly. That part may be your fault given what he’s talked about to you.

So maybe both families need to be brought in, maybe it would actually help him as well to be heard, but how does your family fit in? Are they going to fairly listen to his side or jump to your defence?

Now I don’t know all the details and forgive me if I’m completely wrong about you, I don’t mean to make you feel worse. But it sounds like the weight of all those things has made him feel he had no escape and that he won’t be supported by your family.

It could be that you treated him so poorly that he’s absolutely desperate to leave without further drama?

it doesn’t sound like he’s cheating, but there’s that too. So if you want a chance, let him go, but see what your family has to say. It’s going to eat at you both, as it seems very up in the air what you both want moving forward from here


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, your behaviour must have been really bad if your husband is contemplating leaving you and his daughter. Or he has someone else lined up. Of course what he says can be true as well. Did he ever mention to you that he found your behaviour difficult to live with? Or is it something that he brought up all of a sudden? In this case, it would be rather suspicious.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

While he may indeed want a break from the situation/OP, it would make absolutely no sense that he would want any kind of "break" from his daughter...especially at that early of an age....He should be dying to come home and see her at that stage,,,

I really don't know what to make of this....What does he want a medal for being a sole provider? A lot of us did it and never complained..If nothing else he should be happy to know the kid is with it's mother and not being shuttled around to day care, etc..even if it means money gets tight...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

hamadryad said:


> While he may indeed want a break from the situation/OP, it would make absolutely no sense that he would want any kind of "break" from his daughter...especially at that early of an age....He should be dying to come home and see her at that stage,,,
> 
> I really don't know what to make of this....What does he want a medal for being a sole provider? A lot of us did it and never complained..If nothing else he should be happy to know the kid is with it's mother and not being shuttled around to day care, etc..even if it means money gets tight...


Working with Covid and busting your butt only to come home to a whinging wife is not great. Even his wife admitted it. But I do agree that leaving his daughter to have a break is not what most fathers would do. It is rather strange. That said, his wife is pushing him away after expressing his need for a break, because she is hurt now. Interesting dynamics...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Working with Covid and busting your butt only to come home to a whinging wife is not great. Even his wife admitted it. But I do agree that leaving his daughter to have a break is not what most fathers would do. It is rather strange. That said, his wife is pushing him away after expressing his need for a break, because she is hurt now. Interesting dynamics...



True, and not many guys would take a trip that involved a lot of travel when kids are that young...I know there is no way in hell I would,...You miss out on everything and they need you there...

Guys with annoying wives normally just come home and ignore them...Goes in one ear and out the other...Most don't even bother fighting with them over it....Once it reaches a certain point, then they may just walk out on them if things don't change...

Speaking of Covid, let me say this and I know it's going to rub some people the wrong way but I don't care...Enough already....There are people out there(guys mostly) that have been working in far more horrible working conditions, far more unsafe, for far less pay, before, during, and after this pandemic..With zero recognition, no parades, no free tickets to events....nothing....."Just go back to work and be glad you have a job"

Point is, I hope he isn't just being a whiner here too and thinking that him and his cohorts are the only one's out there putting themselves in harm's way and working in difficult conditions...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 10 years (we are 30 now, started daiting at 19, 20), we have a beautiful daughter who will be 7 soon. Lately I know something isn't quit right, I feel like he is distant, he doesn't say I love you as much as before, doesn't really call/text me during the day. We have had this conversation often in the past few months and he says that he still loves me and he swore to our daughter that he isn't cheating. So, yesterday I asked him again, what is wrong? Why is he distant? Why do I feel like he doesn't love me as much as before? And then and there he took it all out, he said that he has been feeling unappreciated, he is a nurse, he just started a new job that he totally LOVES as a marketing manager/nurse, and I gave him such a hard time because now he has to be traveling, i gave him bad attitude for months, complained about everything, he would get home from work and I would be mad at him for no reason, he had a business dinner not too long ago and I called the restaurant to see if he was there, I admit I have been doing all the wrong things in my marriage. I asked him again yesterday if there was someone else and he swore to our daughter again that he hasn't met anyone, and that he is not cheating at all, he just says that I dont support him at all and that he feels disappointed, that he wants to start school again and I dont seem happy for him about the good changes in his life, I have been unemployed for a year and he has been supporting our family, paying the mortgage all by himself, and I just spent this whole year spending money on clothes, shoes and all that, not giving him a chance to buy anything for himself, I spent thousands of dollars on myself during quarantine, while he was dealing with Covid patients and having the worst time of his life with this Pandemic.
> My dad passed away January 2020, after this our marriage went downhill, i got in a depression that affected my life, my marriage, he tried to be there for me but was also so devoted to his job, and was so busy all the time, the other day I told him that he didn't support me and wasn't there much for me after my dad passed, that he spent his days busy working, and I felt very alone, this disappointed him even more because he now feels like he has hurt me.
> He said he needs to take a break, that I am the love of his life, his best friend, but he needs to sort out his feelings for me, because he feels hurt by everything mentioned above, he said that he thinks he is still in love with me, otherwise he would have told me right away that he wanted a divorce because he doesn't want us to waste time if there is nothing to do to fix our marriage, but he feels positive about taking a break and giving each other some space, he says he needs to work on himself and find out who he is now, but he feels like this time apart will make things better and will help our marriage be stronger, and for us to bond together even more. He says his desire for me is still there, he feels strongly sexually connected to me and we haven't stopped having sex, in fact, he says that even if we are on a break, he still wants to meet and make love to me, he says he still feels that crazy desire for me as the first times we were dating, even after this talk, he has been pursuing me to have sex, but I just dont feel like it, I feel hurt. He also said that he wants some time apart but doesn't want us dating other people, that this is not what this is about, its about personal growth and that he feels very positive we are going to come back stronger in our marriage. He also doesn't want our friends and families to know about this, only his mom and grandma because thats where he will be staying during our time apart.
> Im not sure what to do here, im not sure how to get him to be himself again, Im so hurt, what if he doesn't love me anymore? Where do I go from here?
> ...


It might be that your husband has some valid points, I haven't heard his side of the story, but it seems like it. BUT...I don't agree with his decision to separate. It does sound odd to me, and I don't think it will accomplish anything good. Like, what's the purpose of it? I never understood that. 

I agree with some that he might have someone in the wings. I would check phone bills, without his knowledge, and see what's up. Only problem is, if he has chats with App's such as Whatsapp, or Snapchat, you would never know those convo's, as you can't trace it like a regular text message. Time for you to play some Clue.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

Thank you everybody. We did not talk about this in front of our daughter, he just swore on her that he is not cheating, he also said that he doesn't want to take this break to date other people, and he doesn't want me dating other people. He is also not taking a break from our daughter, he is planning to go visit her and help her with her homework, probably stay for dinner. As for the trip, every couple needs a little weekend getaway without the kids, doesn't mean we dont love our daughter, it means we just wanted to reconnect. Also, he has been telling me what im doing wrong throughout the year, we have talked about what we dont like of each other and need to improve, but I didn't listen, and continued being annoying.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He is testing the single life because your a anchor on his happiness.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you everybody. We did not talk about this in front of our daughter, he just swore on her that he is not cheating, he also said that he doesn't want to take this break to date other people, and he doesn't want me dating other people. He is also not taking a break from our daughter, he is planning to go visit her and help her with her homework, probably stay for dinner. As for the trip, every couple needs a little weekend getaway without the kids, doesn't mean we dont love our daughter, it means we just wanted to reconnect. Also, he has been telling me what im doing wrong throughout the year, we have talked about what we dont like of each other and need to improve, but I didn't listen, and continued being annoying.


Thank you for the extra info. I don't really think you have much choice. Agree to it, stick with it, stop being annoying, support your husband, create a pleasant environment and he will be back.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

In reference to keeping this a secret, he doesn't want anybody to know because he is hoping we can pull through this and get back together, so we don't want other people to think "oh look at this people, the perfect couple is getting divorced" and create drama. Yeah, because all of our friends always say that we are so cute together and always lovey lovey, because we are very affectionate in public.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well the question would be were you really that bad in your relationship, if so maybe a break is a good thing. But you should check your phone bill and see if you see anything that doesn't look right.

I wouldn't let him make all the rules, you should tell, and behave however you feel. Not cheat obviously, but don't let him control how all this works.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm not sure I buy that he's not interested in someone else or just wanting to explore that. I would not be having sex with him if there's going to be a separation. That's ridiculous. If he needs space, then he needs to feel what space is like so he gets the whole picture of what life would be like without you. 

If he wants some space why not give him a room of his own or he can have complete privacy for a while and get away. 

All that said, you have certainly been a nightmare. It's Not unusual for people who are unemployed and not doing well themselves to feel resentful of those who are, but that doesn't make it right. As his wife you should be supporting all of his victories and the changes he's been willing to put himself through to further himself in his career. Perhaps the money part of it was a miscommunication and he should have spoken up sooner if spending money was a problem and if he wasn't able to spend money because you were spending all of it, but you should have had more common sense than to do that anyway. 

he wants space so the first thing you should do is get out and get yourself a full-time job. He's doing everything and getting no appreciation for it. And I am shocked that he is talking to your daughter about whether he's faithful or not. Neither one of you should be putting these adult problems on your daughter! She should not know anything about any of this. I can't imagine the angst she's living with.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you everybody. We did not talk about this in front of our daughter, he just swore on her that he is not cheating, he also said that he doesn't want to take this break to date other people, and he doesn't want me dating other people. He is also not taking a break from our daughter, he is planning to go visit her and help her with her homework, probably stay for dinner. As for the trip, every couple needs a little weekend getaway without the kids, doesn't mean we dont love our daughter, it means we just wanted to reconnect. Also, he has been telling me what im doing wrong throughout the year, we have talked about what we dont like of each other and need to improve, but I didn't listen, and continued being annoying.


You started dating young, people change a lot in their 20s. Sometimes people grow together, sometimes they grow apart. It sounds like he is confused and doesn't really know how to deal with how life has changed in the past 10 years. I think "taking a break" could go 2 ways. 1. He realizes he's back living with his mom, away from his wife and daughter and slaps himself in the face wondering what the hell he is doing. 2. He relishes the freedom and peace and likes being single again and the freedom that comes with it. 

You should both put together a list of grievances, and have a long talk about ways you can change your communication and behaviors to alleviate as many as possible. Trying to repair things will take a lot of very open and sometimes painfully honest communication. A good marriage counselor can also help you develop a plan on how to address issues that are major points of contention when you can't agree on a resolution. 

I think you should give things a month or so for you to work on things while still living together while in marriage counseling before doing any kind of separation. Too many variables in what can happen while separated.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not sure I buy that he's not interested in someone else or just wanting to explore that. I would not be having sex with him if there's going to be a separation. That's ridiculous. If he needs space, then he needs to feel what space is like so he gets the whole picture of what life would be like without you.
> 
> If he wants some space why not give him a room of his own or he can have complete privacy for a while and get away.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your answer. I already mentioned in my latest post that we did not talk to our daughter about this, he just swore ON our daughters live that he is not cheating and not interested in dating other people during the break, he just wants to find himself, sort out his feelings, he says he kind of put up a wall and the wall has overshadowed his feelings. He always expressed his concern about me spending money, this is nothing new, he would always tell me how we were struggling financially and that i wasn't helping, i continued spending money after he had told me that, so he felt kinda betrayed and like I was doing it on purpose.

Whenever I feel doubtful when he is chatting on whatsapp, he always shows me the conversations, and he is always talking to his guy friends. Whenever he talks to someone on the phone, he talks to them in front of me and they are work related calls. He never leaves the room to answer a phone call, he never seems sneaky or anything like that.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

We also started reading yesterday The 5 Languages of Love. We want to try everything in our power to make our marriage work.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He is deciding whether he wants to stay with you or not. That will mean considering other women. 

You were going to have to really put some work into this if you're going to save it. So far you have been sabotaging your marriage. You need to get a job so you feel better about yourself and have enough left over to support him in his successes. if you just sit there and wait to see what he's going to do and don't make any changes, you're going to lose him.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He is deciding whether he wants to stay with you or not. That will mean considering other women.
> 
> You were going to have to really put some work into this if you're going to save it. So far you have been sabotaging your marriage. You need to get a job so you feel better about yourself and have enough left over to support him in his successes. if you just sit there and wait to see what he's going to do and don't make any changes, you're going to lose him.


I am actually going to school, he has supported me on this journey, and as soon as I finish school, I plan to start working. Im in the process of becoming a esthetician.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That will mean considering other women.


Why? Not all men are rats.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

You were going to have to really put some work into this if you're going to save it. So far you have been sabotaging your marriage. You need to get a job so you feel better about yourself and have enough left over to support him in his successes. if you just sit there and wait to see what he's going to do and don't make any changes, you're going to lose him.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, agreed. She is also going to have to change her behavior.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I wouldn't be having sex with him or allowing him to stay for dinner. He doesn't get to have the good parts of marriage and then flake out on the rest.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

My thoughts - pay attention to what they do...not what they say. He seems pretty checked out which may be justifiable based on things you've done...may be a product of circumstances...or may be because he's just grown up or grown apart. Or all three in some combination.

Good for you to look inside but don't feel the need to take all the blame. It always takes two. But also take a realistic view on where his head may be in terms of reconciliation. Sometimes people are afraid to say and do what they really mean and want. Separation with intent to reconcile could just be a way of kicking the can down the road.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I wouldn't be having sex with him or allowing him to stay for dinner. He doesn't get to have the good parts of marriage and then flake out on the rest.


I do agree he shouldn't be getting the good parts of the marriage if he wants a break from the marriage, although surely that won't help towards the ultimate goal?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I do agree he shouldn't be getting the good parts of the marriage if he wants a break from the marriage, although surely that won't help towards the ultimate goal?


She isn't going to 'nice' him back. If he gets a break, then so does she. Let him go to his mom's and cook his own dinner. What he wants is called cake-eating.

OP, your constant shopping sounds like you're engaging in retail therapy. A real therapist would be more beneficial and healthier for the marriage. No one wants to work their ass off only to see someone sitting on their ass frittering away the hard earned money. A major disrespect.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> She isn't going to 'nice' him back. If he gets a break, then so does she. Let him go to his mom's and cook his own dinner. What he wants is called cake-eating.


Do you think the husband's being unreasonable?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Do you think the husband's being unreasonable?


When it comes to separating, yes. He doesn't get to come and go as he pleases and have his din-din as usual with the family and sex on demand. That is using his wife. A sweet deal for him, isn't it? He should be ashamed of himself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> When it comes to separating, yes. He doesn't get to come and go as he pleases and have his din-din as usual with the family and sex on demand. That is using his wife. A sweet deal for him, isn't it? He should be ashamed of himself.


I agree with this. I'm not against a temporary separation, but it has to be a proper separation, apart from seeing his daughter. Or would you disagree with this (seeing his daughter)?


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## NKJJ (Feb 26, 2021)

It's good that you started reading the 5 love languages. It's a good book and it can do a lot for your relationship. It's normal that relationships go through tough times. But it's also these tough times that can make it better and stronger than ever. Here's what you can do:


Shift your focus away from what you can get from the marriage or him and start focusing on serving the marriage. The more two people serve each other the better the relationship gets.
Listen to what he complains about and start taking it as feedback. He feels unappreciated. Great, how can you show more appreciation?
Ask him about his dreams and ambitions and see how you can support him with them.
Everyday ask yourself what is one small thing you can do for him.
Be with yourself and your own emotions. You feel hurt and unsure about what's going on. Make sure you don't neglect yourself. The more at peace you can become with yourself and the situation, the more functional you'll be. You will be bale to respond to him rather than being reactive.
Get out of your head and enjoy life. The happier you are the more you can share that happiness and joy with your husband which will make him want to be with you more.

Hope these few tips help. Have a lovely weekend!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I'll tell you what I would do. I'd take back something you purchased for yourself recently. Use the money to buy something for him. Then, apologize for being selfish, and tell him you will do better (and then, actually do it). 

I would not agree to a separation, especially not a hush/hush one where he gets to come home and have family dinners and get laid. Nope. All in, or all out. That said, I've never seen a separation work to restore a marriage anyway. I suppose it's possible, but I haven't seen it. Every couple I've known that separated eventually split up.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

Thank you for your answers.

So everything took a turn for the worst, we have been really trying this weekend, we spent all Friday night until like 12 am, talking and laughing, without interruptions, without the tv on, without any cellphones around. Saturday morning we woke up, went to lunch with out daughter, went to the mall, and then took our daughter to the park, we didn't hold hands or kiss or anything, we kept our distance, but we were flirting throughout the day, and just looking into each others eyes and smiling. At night we made sometime to read a couple of chapters of the "5 Love Languages" and we talked a bit more. On Friday, he also said that he still needs a break but is not planning to completely stay at his moms house, he wants to come back and spend some nights of the week with us, oh, I forgot to mention, he went to talk to my mom on Friday about our situation, and my mom gave him her point of view, about how a break will do more harm than good, and that is risky because we can grow apart.
So after we read a little bit the "5 love languages" we couldn't hold it anymore and we made passionate love to each other on Saturday.

Sunday morning came, we cuddle for a while and we ended up making love again. We then started talking and out of nowhere we started talking about our Bachelorette party many years ago, and I asked him one more time if he ever did something that night? He confessed he got a lap dance, not private or anything, but that was it, no cheating, nothing, only a lapdance. Throughout the years, I have always asked him about what happened that night, what did he do? I always knew that he at least got a lap dance, but I guess I wanted to hear the truth from him, 10 years asking him what happened that night, and he would never admit to anything happening, he said that his friends got lap dances, but he didn't, that he wasn't that kind of person. I latch out, and told him that taking a break doesnt sound so bad now after all, and that I didn't want to do this anymore. I feel confused, I feel betrayed, I feel like I have been living a lie for 10 years. He said I wouldn't have married him if he told me right after the Bachelorette, and that he really wanted to marry me because he loved me, but that I would have lost my trust in him. He also said that he doesn't understand why I am so upset when I did the same thing, YES I DID THE SAME THING, I GOT A LAPDANCE TOO, BUT I TOLD HIM ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY, BUT HE KEPT IT A SECRET FROM ME, HE LIED ABOUT IT FOR 10 YEARS EVERYTIME I ASKED HIM!!!!! Now my feelings are confused and dont know what im feeling anymore and im hurt, and I kicked him out, and he said I didn't mean that, to not say those things, and that even though he is confused about his feelings, he didn't pack his stuff and left the next day after our first conversation on Tuesday night.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are a basket case.

Would you have called off the wedding if you knew he got the lap dance?

You rag him for a year because he is the only one supporting the family. WTH.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was the person giving you a lap dance a man or a woman?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

re16 said:


> Sounds like a lot of his efforts go unappreciated. Doesn't sound like you have treated him in a fair way.
> 
> I'd be upset also if I were him.
> 
> ...


^^^ This right here, 1000%

OP, if I were your husband, I would feel hurt and unappreciated too, and would probably have built up a wall of resentment by this point. You need to apologize to him, genuinely for your actions, and you need to be the one chasing him and making the efforts at this time.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Why are you "swearing to your daughter"? Why would you be talking about cheating in front of her?


I was wondering the same thing; she's 7 and shouldn't be being involved in adult issues.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I really don't understand why you're sleeping with and catering to a guy who wants to separate. Cheaters swear on their kids all the time, but let's assume he's not cheating.

Part of a relationship is accepting the package. That means you take everything or nothing.

You can certainly look to improve aspects of a relationship, but he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases when he feels horny or feels like getting dinner and playing family.

By catering to this you present as someone of little value and if you don't value yourself more why should he?

If he wants to come back and work on the marriage then fine. Otherwise he frankly has a lot of nerve....he can unilaterally decide he wants his space, he can come and go as it suits him, and you can't date anyone else while he decides if he can do better.

FYI, that is what he’s contemplating. You need to be there in case he decides he can't upgrade, but he doesn't want anyone to know because they might think he's a scumbag. If he was done with you he'd file for divorce.

I'm not saying he doesn't have legitimate issues, he might, but he's either in or he's out.

Just my humble opinion.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you for your answers.
> 
> So everything took a turn for the worst, we have been really trying this weekend, we spent all Friday night until like 12 am, talking and laughing, without interruptions, without the tv on, without any cellphones around. Saturday morning we woke up, went to lunch with out daughter, went to the mall, and then took our daughter to the park, we didn't hold hands or kiss or anything, we kept our distance, but we were flirting throughout the day, and just looking into each others eyes and smiling. At night we made sometime to read a couple of chapters of the "5 Love Languages" and we talked a bit more. On Friday, he also said that he still needs a break but is not planning to completely stay at his moms house, he wants to come back and spend some nights of the week with us, oh, I forgot to mention, he went to talk to my mom on Friday about our situation, and my mom gave him her point of view, about how a break will do more harm than good, and that is risky because we can grow apart.
> So after we read a little bit the "5 love languages" we couldn't hold it anymore and we made passionate love to each other on Saturday.
> ...


After reading more posts, and getting caught up on this thread, I really think that you guys need to get some marital counselling to improve your communication. You guys are all over the place, and you kicked him out because of something that happened 10 years ago? Did you maybe consider sitting down and having an honest to goodness conversation with him about it? Sure you have every right to be hurt that he wasn't truthful with you from the get-go, but nothing is going to fix that except talking openly. Breaks don't fix anything; I know this from experience, as my former marriage had a LOT of communication breakdown in it and we didn't make it. A break was my chance to plan to get out permanently, and that's what I did. Plan an evening of open, honest communciation with him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The thing is OP did the same thing at her bachelorette party!! They both got a lap dance at their parties. 

She still hasn’t answered to what she would have done if he told her the truth back then. I am guessing her husband saw the look and knew better then to tell the truth. This is something she has never let go of all of these years. She is saying that their entire marriage is a fraud because her husband did the same thing she did. He just knew better then to tell her about it. 

You have been treating you husband like crap for over a year and you blow the marriage up over a lap dance. You husband deserves better.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

Thank you. I actually got a lapdance from a male stripper, he got a dance from a female stripper. He said that he lied to me about it because I wouldn't have married him if I knew about the dance, and he says that his number 1 priority was to marry me, thats all he ever wanted!

I told my mom about the whole situation, I had to get it out of my chest, and she had a good talk with him, I also told his best friend's wife, who is a very good friend of mine too. His best friend's wife and I were texting today, and she told me that my husband told his best friend that he wasn't planning on leaving home anymore. 

When all this started, I told him that a break could mean dating other people, either for him, or me. 

Today I told him that I missed us, that I missed being affectionate with each other, he said that he missed me too, we hugged and kissed. He says that he just doesn't want for us to be all lovey lovey with each other, like we always do, and pretend like we dont have any problems, dont work on our problems, and then continue having the same problems,thats why he thinks its best if we continue giving each other a little bit of space.

He told me today that he doesn't feel as much disappointed as he felt in the past, but that there's still something there that is not letting him give his best 100%.

We continue having sex, more than ever, everyday, sometimes twice a day, sometimes we cant keep our hands off each other, and its more passionate, hotter, than before. Go figure!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’ll be honest ..... you sound like a nightmare to be married to. On another note dragging your mother in to directly give him “the talk” is a bad idea.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you for your answers.
> 
> So everything took a turn for the worst, we have been really trying this weekend, we spent all Friday night until like 12 am, talking and laughing, without interruptions, without the tv on, without any cellphones around. Saturday morning we woke up, went to lunch with out daughter, went to the mall, and then took our daughter to the park, we didn't hold hands or kiss or anything, we kept our distance, but we were flirting throughout the day, and just looking into each others eyes and smiling. At night we made sometime to read a couple of chapters of the "5 Love Languages" and we talked a bit more. On Friday, he also said that he still needs a break but is not planning to completely stay at his moms house, he wants to come back and spend some nights of the week with us, oh, I forgot to mention, he went to talk to my mom on Friday about our situation, and my mom gave him her point of view, about how a break will do more harm than good, and that is risky because we can grow apart.
> So after we read a little bit the "5 love languages" we couldn't hold it anymore and we made passionate love to each other on Saturday.
> ...


Why on earth would this even bother you? Seriously? Who cares if he got a lap dance? Really, who cares.. What did you expect? You're living a lie because he lied about a lap dance? 

If he had sex with a stripper, then that's one thing, you'd have grounds to be angry and even divorce.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

GC1234 said:


> Why on earth would this even bother you? Seriously? Who cares if he got a lap dance? Really, who cares.. What did you expect? You're living a lie because he lied about a lap dance?
> 
> If he had sex with a stripper, then that's one thing, you'd have grounds to be angry and even divorce.


Because she needs yet another something that she can have one or her little fits about. Just like all that other stuff she admitted too earlier in the thread.... she needs to drag in some drama to make her happy. That cycle will repeat... justify....repeat.....justify....repeat...

If not the stripper than it will just be another “something”.

Like I said... sounds like a nightmare to me


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

He actually said that he really liked talking to my mom the other day, that he more confident talking to my mom than his own mom.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Thank you. I actually got a lapdance from a male stripper, he got a dance from a female stripper. *He said that he lied to me about it because I wouldn't have married him if I knew about the dance*, and he says that his number 1 priority was to marry me, thats all he ever wanted!


IS HE CORRECT ABOUT THIS -- would you have refused to marry him if you knew he got a lap dance??


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Because she needs yet another something that she can have one or her little fits about. Just like all that other stuff she admitted too earlier in the thread.... she needs to drag in some drama to make her happy. That cycle will repeat... justify....repeat.....justify....repeat...
> 
> If not the stripper than it will just be another “something”.
> 
> Like I said... sounds like a nightmare to me


Yes, I think it's really a petty argument. She'll have to choose her battles, this is a little much. Like, the guy even said he went to a strip club...he probably didn't want to hear the argument of getting a lap dance...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> He actually said that he really liked talking to my mom the other day, that he more confident talking to my mom than his own mom.


In laws shouldn't be involved in your personal problems, not your parents and not his.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I can’t believe what I’ve just read... you kicked him out after you wanted him back?

Because you got a lap dance but so did he but it’s only ok when you get one??

Given what I’ve read so far and why he wants to leave, I feel like you’re anyone’s worst nightmare.

What are you even doing??


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> I also told his best friend's wife, who is a very good friend of mine too. His best friend's wife and I were texting today, and she told me that my husband told his best friend that he wasn't planning on leaving home anymore.


So he told his best friend he wasn't planning on leaving before he told you. And you heard it from the best friend's wife. Why does this type of scenario strike me as something out of high school? And why the hell are people outside the marriage getting pulled in and involved in YOUR marital business?

SMH.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think she's upset that he lied about the lap dance for ten years. It would be helpful if she would answer the question about what she would have done if he had been truthful about the dance ten years ago. Also, has he been giving you grief over your admitted lap dance?


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I think she's upset that he lied about the lap dance for ten years. It would be helpful if she would answer the question about what she would have done if he had been truthful about the dance ten years ago. Also, has he been giving you grief over your admitted lap dance?


Yes, im more upset about him lying about it for so long, especially because i asked him so many times if anything happened.

Yesterday he was asking me how was I feeling about this trust issue, and I told him I needed time to wrap my head around it.

I dont really understand your last question 
Also, has he been giving you grief over your admitted lap dance?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Yes, im more upset about him lying about it for so long, especially because i asked him so many times if anything happened.
> 
> Yesterday he was asking me how was I feeling about this trust issue, and I told him I needed time to wrap my head around it.
> 
> ...


Throughout the years, has he brought up your lap dance or tried to make you feel bad about it? Did he throw it in your face when you would question him about whether he had done anything?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> Yes, im more upset about him lying about it for so long, especially because i asked him so many times if anything happened.
> 
> Yesterday he was asking me how was I feeling about this trust issue, and I told him I needed time to wrap my head around it.
> 
> ...


I find it interesting that you avoided answering my DIRECT question and some others posed to you...

People will form an opinion of you just as much based on you not answering questions as they do if you answered them.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

No, he never cared about the lapdance I had, and yes, i have been throwing in his face and making him feel bad about that night, he said that night was a total mistake, that we were both pressured to go to strip clubs, but he keeps reassuring me that nothing else happened other than a lap dance for all the guys (not private) he said that he felt pressured, I felt pressured too, because my friends had already paid for it.


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## Marriedgirl27 (Jan 25, 2018)

He also said that he doesn't regret lying about it because i wouldn't have married him, had I known. I was always suspicious and I almost called off the wedding back then after that night, thinking that he had done something else.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Honestly, you sound like a high schooler. You are all over the place and it sounds like you make his life at home miserable except for all the sex. I think some therapy might be a good idea...both individual and marriage counseling. 

I'd want out of that house too. I work my ass off at work and if my spouse gave me **** as soon as I got home about not being there but felt free to overspend all the money I brought into the house I'd be losing my loving feelings as well. You have some serious growing up to do.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> No, he never cared about the lapdance I had, and yes, i have been throwing in his face and making him feel bad about that night, he said that night was a total mistake, that we were both pressured to go to strip clubs, but he keeps reassuring me that nothing else happened other than a lap dance for all the guys (not private) he said that he felt pressured, I felt pressured too, because my friends had already paid for it.


Can you explain WHY you were so bothered by him having a lap dance...especially if you had one as well?

I'm also wondering why you feel entitled to burden him with every emotion feeling and reaction that you have about him. He clearly loves you, but it sounds like you are drowning him with your expectations and demands of how he is supposed to be and react to you, while you give yourself the freedom to indulge in every immature feeling and reaction to him that you have.

You sound VERY emotionally immature, and I agree that your marriage is in danger of dying a slow, suffocating death if you don't find a way to be responsible for your own feelings and to stop making your husband "take care" of you constantly. THAT is NOT what having a marriage is for - you are supposed to be PARTNERS to eachother.

I agree with @notmyjamie that you should look into counseling for yourself and both of you together...what you are dealing with is much too complicated for an online forum to advise you on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I can see why he wants to move on, it seems like you hold him to a very very high standard, and that you don’t hold yourself to any of those standards.

It also seems like he was more willing to fix things, he came back and you blew it again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> He also said that he doesn't regret lying about it because i wouldn't have married him, had I known. I was always suspicious and I almost called off the wedding back then after that night, thinking that he had done something else.


So you wouldn’t have married him if he had told you. What a hypocrite.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your husband deserves so much better then you. I hope he wakes up on day and sees you for who you really are.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She was suspicious that he had done something *more* than just a lap dance. Hence, her hesitation to marry. If he had come clean, they could have saved themselves ten years of nonsense.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> She was suspicious that he had done something *more* than just a lap dance. Hence, her hesitation to marry. If he had come clean, they could have saved themselves ten years of nonsense.


Then she never trusted him to begin with. Then treated him like crap for over the past year.

Why stress about a lap dance? Something she did herself, being pressured to do it is no excuse. 

Why was it even an issue to begin with? She might have believed more happened that night. If her husband said he had a lap dance she would never had married him. She would have never believed that is all that happened.

OP still hasn’t answered the question about not marrying him if she had known. She almost called it off not knowing anything. Not hard to stretch it out to believe she would have called the whole thing off.

like it has been said, it sounds like op is a drama queen.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> Why was it even an issue to begin with?


Lol. Oh, AB, I know you know better. No one knows what she would have done - not even her because her agency was taken away. Could there be a reason she doesn't fully trust him? Like, maybe, he is a selfish twit who is conflict avoidant and believes in the adage that it is better to beg for forgiveness than to seek permission?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Can you explain WHY you were so bothered by him having a lap dance...especially if you had one as well?
> 
> I'm also wondering why you feel entitled to burden him with every emotion feeling and reaction that you have about him. He clearly loves you, but it sounds like you are drowning him with your expectations and demands of how he is supposed to be and react to you, while you give yourself the freedom to indulge in every immature feeling and reaction to him that you have.
> 
> ...


I agree completely.

Girl, you need to get smart about life and marriage.

Your husband is your partner, not your father. He is entitled to his own freedom within the boundaries of your marriage. He doesn't have to pay for your shopping sprees. He deserves admiration and support if he's the one devoting his working hours to you. 

There are two careers that I think are very demanding, nursing and teaching. I work around nurses and believe me, they are overworked every shift! On their feet for 12 hours, not only dealing with patients but with physicians, family members, pharmacy, other technicians, and technology. It's an exhausting job. 

Show some appreciation for what he's doing. He's been dealing with a freaking pandemic while you've been cozy home and going shopping. WTF???

Blowing up your marriage because he didn't tell you about a silly lap dance 10 years ago? Oh but don't forget you enjoyed yours, and he didn't do a thing about it, right? What is wrong with you? You can have things and he can't? 

How dare you???

What do you want out of your life and marriage? 

It's not about how you both show your love, it's about how you both appreciate each other. *What have you done for him lately?* Other than treating him like crap?

Really, ask yourself how you can be a better wife to him. What can you do for him today? 

You know, if you don't stop the immature demands and drama, he's really going to leave you (I would leave you.)

Start loving yourself. You need to build a life of your own. Stop depending on your husband. If you are studying, get serious about it and get your diploma soon. Maybe you have too much time on your hands and that's affecting your thinking.

Get your priorities straight. And don't get fooled by all the sex you two are having. That might be hysterical bonding, another thing to worry about.

Talk to a counselor. It seems you need help.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Lol. Oh, AB, I know you know better. No one knows what she would have done - not even her because her agency was taken away. Could there be a reason she doesn't fully trust him? Like, maybe, he is a selfish twit who is conflict avoidant and believes in the adage that it is better to beg for forgiveness than to seek permission?


I don’t believe he was. Reading OP’s post shows that she is a drama queen. She is pissed about something she did herself. That is why I asked “why is it even an issue”.

If he was a self centered twit he would not have put up with her BS over the past year.

From the story, neither one had planned for a lap dance. He was ok with what she did. He knew better then to tell her he had one too.

OP still hasn’t responded to the question if she would have called off the wedding if she knew.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> If he was *a self centered twit *he would not have put up with her BS over the past year.


What do you call a guy who wants to move in with his mommy but still wants his wife to cook him dinner and have sex whenever he wants?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you call a guy who wants to move in with his mommy but still wants his wife to cook him dinner and have sex whenever he wants?


Sad. Needs to ditch the mommy part but the rest is on point depending on her cooking skills.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you call a guy who wants to move in with his mommy but still wants his wife to cook him dinner and have sex whenever he wants?


Moving in with a his mom is better then a “friend”.

He was going to be home helping his daughter with her homework everyday and might stay for dinner.

They are both f’n the hell out of each other. The way she is explaining it, she is 100% on board.

He is the one that said the break wasn’t to date others.

She said they could date others if they took a break.

She has said that he didn’t care one bit that she got the lap dance.

She almost called off the wedding thinking that he had sex with someone else at his bachelor party.

He has worked hard to support his family and advance his career. All she did was to spend their money to the point it was causing financial hardship.

All she did the past year was to complain about him working to support them.

He doesn’t sound like a twit.

Anyone can pick and choose parts of a story to make a point that they want to.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> *I really don't understand why you're sleeping with and catering to a guy who wants to separate.* Cheaters swear on their kids all the time, but let's assume he's not cheating.
> 
> Part of a relationship is accepting the package. That means you take everything or nothing.
> 
> ...


QFT 100%. Bolded bits for emphasis.

I told my husband years ago, that if he ever tells me he wants "space" he can have all the fkn space he wants. I consider that abandonment of me and our marriage, and we'd be done. We're both all in, or all out. Nothing less is acceptable to me.



Marriedgirl27 said:


> I told my mom about the whole situation, I had to get it out of my chest, and she had a good talk with him, I also told his best friend's wife, who is a very good friend of mine too. His best friend's wife and I were texting today, and she told me that my husband told his best friend that he wasn't planning on leaving home anymore.





Marriedgirl27 said:


> He actually said that he really liked talking to my mom the other day, that he more confident talking to my mom than his own mom.


Do not EVER drag in laws into marital issues. It's one of the worst things you can do. 

You do sound like very hard work OP. Sorry to be blunt, but you do. No one should ever be so arrogant that they think they can treat a spouse appallingly and because they're married they have to stay, because guess what? They don't.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is the sex and cooking must be damn good. The rest pretty much sucks.

The childish tantrum over the legendary Lap dance... omg. And after he’s talking about moving out? Lol

one thing I don’t really get. I’m not perfect. My best friend and a few others went to a strip club or two back in the day. My best friend and I were really close. Neither of us even considered throwing the other a “bachelor party”. Why would I want a lap dance from some ***** when I’m about to marry a woman that I’m madly in love with and treasure? It would be repulsive to me.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m just as horny and childish as the next guy.... but I got married to have a family and live a life I could be proud of, to be with a woman I loved dearly. I can’t imagine drooling over a naked stripper on the eve of my wedding.
My friends know I wouldn’t go for that crap. 
pressure? Nah, no pressure to me. I wouldn’t have any part of that crap.

But OP, you had a lap dance and guilt him so badly that he lies to you? He shouldn’t have lied, and you shouldn’t have been so damn hypocritical. Geez, you’re something.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> Look, you’ve both made mistakes, ok, that happens.
> 
> But a big thing a that stands out to me is that he’s asking you to keep things quiet, but only his mum and grandma are allowed to know.


Because he will be living with mom and grandma.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Separation is to spend more time with someone else or prep for divorce. Go online and look at the cell phone bill.


Or to get away from someone who is being hurtful and to give each partner time to think about what is important and if they want to put in the work to change/endure until marriage is better. 

I could see where he wants a break from her hurtful and unappreciative actions toward him. He may also hope she would recognize what it would be like if he was gone, realize how damaging she has been and change her behavior.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> True, and not many guys would take a trip that involved a lot of travel when kids are that young...I know there is no way in hell I would,...You miss out on everything and they need you there...
> 
> Guys with annoying wives normally just come home and ignore them...Goes in one ear and out the other...Most don't even bother fighting with them over it....Once it reaches a certain point, then they may just walk out on them if things don't change...
> 
> ...


I thunk for him it's mire he is busting his azz while she is blowing and going and *****ing. He wants to go stay with mom and grandma for a bit to create a buffer from the situation. I think mom and grandma would call him on his crap if he were not behaving appropriately and going out. OP is doing everything wrong to salvage this. I bet this guys Love Language is physical intimacy and words of affirmation. Words of affirmation ain't there and the physical is now off the table it seems. Other than his child, why would a man want to stay in a situation and be treated that way.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Well the question would be were you really that bad in your relationship, if so maybe a break is a good thing. But you should check your phone bill and see if you see anything that doesn't look right.
> 
> I wouldn't let him make all the rules, you should tell, and behave however you feel. Not cheat obviously, but don't let him control how all this works.


The way she has been acting, if i were him i would have already snooped to see who she has been talking to. Cheaters tend to treat their spouses with contempt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How did the situation in your first thread shake out? Your family was so worried and seemed sure that your husband would cheat on you with the 20 year old niece of your neighbor? Were their gut feelings completely unfounded?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> How did the situation in your first thread shake out? Your family was so worried and seemed sure that your husband would cheat on you with the 20 year old niece of your neighbor? Were their gut feelings completely unfounded?


I have to say .... you never cease to amaze me at your ability to back track threads and pick up details that are “read between the lines”. I don’t mean just this thread but a lot of others. Your pretty sharp.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> I have to say .... you never cease to amaze me at your ability to back track threads and pick up details that are “read between the lines”. I don’t mean just this thread but a lot of others. Your pretty sharp.


Lol. Yeah, even an old broad can still find most of her marbles.  Thanks for the compliment.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedgirl27 said:


> We continue having sex, more than ever, everyday, sometimes twice a day, sometimes we cant keep our hands off each other, and its more passionate, hotter, than before. Go figure!


I think that would be known as "hysterical bonding." Perhaps driven by the fact that your husband admitted to the lap dance at the party. Even though that was many years ago, instincts prompt you to reclaim and mark your territory by over-sexing your mate to prevent him from straying. 

Those in polyamorous/open relations specifically enjoy playing with this dynamic. Perhaps you will want to ask your husband to elaborate more on what happened that night. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> Or to get away from someone who is being hurtful and to give each partner time to think about what is important and if they want to put in the work to change/endure until marriage is better.
> 
> I could see where he wants a break from her hurtful and unappreciative actions toward him. He may also hope she would recognize what it would be like if he was gone, realize how damaging she has been and change her behavior.


Maybe but you can only go from what you’ve seen, witnessed. My sister was a wayward. I have 3 close friends who ended up divorced from infidelity and separation was always used as a tool to get the spouse out of the way to focus and spend more time with their AP Or prep for divorce.

You see this here and on other forums a lot. So ignore it?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He is deciding whether he wants to stay with you or not. That will mean considering other women.
> 
> You were going to have to really put some work into this if you're going to save it. So far you have been sabotaging your marriage. You need to get a job so you feel better about yourself and have enough left over to support him in his successes. if you just sit there and wait to see what he's going to do and don't make any changes, you're going to lose him.


So if a woman is trying to decide if she is going to stay in an abusive relationship, she is going to considering other men? That is BS. One can be deciding if any gain is worth the pain or is it time to eject. 

My wife left her cheating first hubby by just leaving to get away from him. She was not considering other men. She walked away from house she was paying for, all the band equipment she paid for, all the cattle she paid for. She just wanted to get away from him. I did not meet her until a month before divorce was final.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> All I can say is the sex and cooking must be damn good. The rest pretty much sucks.
> 
> The childish tantrum over the legendary Lap dance... omg. And after he’s talking about moving out? Lol
> 
> ...


Same here. I did not have a bachelor party. Why?, when the one i desire would be at home. Did not even go to the club with my friends.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Lol. Yeah, even an old broad can still find most of her marbles.  Thanks for the compliment.


She has some Bloodhound in her genetics!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

maree said:


> This sounds like he wants separation to try and see what else he can get without you knowing. I could be wrong but I dont see why else you can't work on the relationship while together.


My gut says this is "shot across the bow". As in this is a last effort to get her to see that splurging on herself and ignoring him will end their marriage.

I went through this with a my XW behavior after a death in the family. Marriedgirl, you will lose him eventually if you don't return to a "we" mindset.

Are you in any grief counseling or personal therapy?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DTO said:


> My gut says this is "shot across the bow". As in this is a last effort to get her to see that splurging on herself and ignoring him will end their marriage.
> 
> I went through this with a my XW behavior after a death in the family. Marriedgirl, you will lose him eventually if you don't return to a "we" mindset.
> 
> Are you in any grief counseling or personal therapy?


My guess is that she didn't like what these posters were saying about her behavior and has disappeared. 
Which, if I'm right, would be further proof that she's very emotionally immature and really only focused on making herself feel good, even at the expense of others.

I hope she will gain some insight and attempt to grow up, before she loses her husband.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> My guess is that she didn't like what these posters were saying about her behavior and has disappeared.
> Which, if I'm right, would be further proof that she's very emotionally immature and really only focused on making herself feel good, even at the expense of others.
> 
> I hope she will gain some insight and attempt to grow up, before she loses her husband.


Possibly, and you're right that he will bail if she does not straighten out. This reminds me of my ex-wife's behavior during our son's illness and after his passing.

There are few faster ways to kill love and foster resentment than playing around while criticizing the person who is keeping things moving, especially when that person is bettering him in tough times.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DTO said:


> Possibly, and you're right that he will bail if she does not straighten out. This reminds me of my ex-wife's behavior during our son's illness and after his passing.
> 
> There are few faster ways to kill love and foster resentment than playing around while criticizing the person who is keeping things moving, especially when that person is bettering him in tough times.


Oh no...you lost your son? I'm SO SO SORRY...that's terrible...I had NO idea...


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