# so confused pls help!



## dilemma89 (Aug 25, 2011)

*22 Married and Considering leaving (more then 70%) Advice PLS!*

Ok so let me start out by saying I do know this is an individual desicion but i would like every bit of advice i can get.
I got married to my W when i was 19 years old. I had planned on ending it with her when we were dating but got to used the the idea of having her around and then i fell in love with her. I did marry her because i love her but i also believe i married her for a few big wrong reasons. Security being a big one, i feared being without her or imagining her with someone else so i asked her to marry me. i was leaving town and this made it easier to live togethor. I believe i also rushed into it, we were only togethor for 9 months before marraige. Everything was great for awhile then we started having our ups n downs like every marriage. im 22 now and have grown to want different things in life rather then to be married at such a young age. I still fear being alone but i know that feeling will go away with time. We did seperate for about a month no legal action but did not live with or see each other. This was my doing. I had gotten a new hobby that made me over egotistical and changed the way i looked at things. I went back to her and agreed to work on everything because i thought it was the hobby that had made me think this way. Now i am having the same exact thoughts about leaving and not wanting to be married everyday. I know it wasnt from my lifting hobby anymore because i have stopped the amount i go greatly for the relationship. So now im in a dilemma!!!! Please i need advice. I love my wife very much but i do believe we married to young me being 22 and her 21. I love her more then anyone or anything but i think that my love for her has drifted to a more of a very very close best friend type love. I enjoy having her around and talking but i do not miss her when were apart and doing our own things. Being 22 and in college i believe that im going to miss out on my 20's years, i know i havent grown fully socially, personality wise, and mentally and i dont wanna continue being married and wonder "what could of been" later on in life. I cant bear seeing her hurt again i devastated me knowing how bad i hurt her the first time i left and i cant imagine how much it will this time. I did bring it up with her 2 nights ago and she was devastated, i couldnt give her a straighter answer then i cant control the way i feel, i dont know rather i want to be with her or not. is it wrong to stay married to someone because im afraid to hurt her, or fear the thought of facing the world alone, or even comparing my love to her as a very close best friend?? I Dont know what to do, im so young and i feel i havent experianced life in full and wont if i stay married. Please give me your thoughts.
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Dilemma89:scratchhead:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

dilemma89 said:


> My overall question is, is it wrong to stay married to someone because im afraid to hurt her, or fear the thought of facing the world alone, or even comparing my love to her as a very close best friend?? please help me understand my confusion. Thank you
> 
> Dilemma89:scratchhead:


Staying in any kind of relationship because of *fear* is not a good thing. Yes you got married very young (the divorce statistics are actually closer to 70% for those who get married in their teens as opposed to 50% to those who get married later). There are a lot of issues that need to be worked through if this marriage is going to work. You need to work on your security issues. Your marriage will never be good enough until you are good enough for your marriage.

Your wife probably also has changes that she needs to make. Counseling could be helpful to both of you in determining what you both need to change in order to make this work.


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## dilemma89 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you for such a quick reply! I was also thinking the "fear" thing was not so good and also afraid that it was the reason for me staying in this marriage. How would i work on my security issues if i have no idea what life is like without her., and in the same thought how can i work on myself if im in a marriage commitment.?

Dilemma89:scratchhead:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

You start by figuring out what it is that you want, and who it is that you want to be. Set some personal goals for yourself. Those goals can invovle education, getting in shape (and losing weight), learning a new skill or sport, work (promotions, etc.), and so forth. After you set these goals, take action and set up smaller steps in orer to achieve the bigger plan. These are some of the things that you can do for yourself and will help you understand who you are.


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## dilemma89 (Aug 25, 2011)

So i have been doing those things, i just enrolled in college and go full time along with work full time. I got to the gym 6 days a week for 2 hour sessions. I have just told her that i wanted to get into MMA and fight in the arena as an extra hobby and somethin else to help me release tension and stress other then the gym. She flipped out and said we wont have time for eachother and that we cant afford it. I am getting irratted of not being able to buy and do things that i want. I have a greater income then her and i know i myself can afford my hobbies. I have brought my whole situation up with her and told her i cant decide if i want to be with or without her. I love her but i dont feel in love with her, i realized today that i could try harder to make it work but that brought up a even bigger and more selfish question "Do i want it to work or want to make it work?" and im leaning more on the no with a 75% or more. SOrry so long for the reply i have took sometime to think more cleary. More responses would be apprecitaed


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi dilemma, I understand how you are feeling...sadly...I wish I could take my own advice 

I know you are worried about hurting her, but it probably hurts her that you only see her as a best friend (it hurts my H). I know it's hard to imagine her being with someone else. Nobody wants to think about that. Hell, I still try not to think about my exs with other women, and I'm over them, it's just weird.

As far as life without her, you say you don't miss her when you guys are apart, do you think it's because you know she'll be there when you get back? She's always the one you've gone home too, etc? I know this is hard for you. 

You said you're leaning more towards not being with her. What is still holding you back?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You've been spoiled your entire life, trust me I've been there. What you feel is what I felt at that age. Met my wife in College, at the beginning felt like dumping her (total opposites of one another).

Friend convinced me to stick it out, so said what the hell, might as well get laid for a while then kick her to the curb.

My family has money, her's didn't so I lived a good life having almost anything handed to me whenever I wanted. Always felt the same, it was my money I was gonna spend how I wanted to, she couldn't control what I was going to do.

Cheated on her, almost left. Hell I was 2 feet out the door with my ass just sticking barely inside the door.

You know what, she stuck with me for all that time. Through the partying with friends, drunk nights, not coming home till 3 or 4AM, affair I had, treating her like crap.

I'M LUCKY TO HAVE HER TODAY. And I pains me to say it but she's a far better person than I am. I'm selfish, spoiled and not proud of that. Things are better now but I thank my best friend and whatever divine presence that made her stay with me to this day.

Marriage is a give and take and what I've found is that for women, if you give a little they give it back 10x, no make that 100x more than what you give (most of the time, not all women are like this )

Look very closely and choose very wisely, what may seem like a hassle today, you might look back and throw yourself off a cliff for letting the best thing in your life get away from you.

You definitely don't want to look see her down the road and realize, wow that could have been mine if I just worked a little harder.

Now, if she's a total monster and makes your life a living hell on earth then start running, but I doubt that's your wife.

Sidenote, I look at her and my 3 kids and think, DAMN I almost gave this up at one point. Although at times I do really have to pause a moment when it comes to my kids, hahahahahaha.


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