# Need some advice from the BS here



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

DDay was 16 months ago. Everything was swept under the rug until about 5 months ago. I couldn't take seeing him in constant pain and started looking for help on how to repair what I had done.

I found TAM and started reading. I turned over usernames and passwords. I got it clears through my employer to give him the pass code on my work phone. We've been going to MC and there has been improvement.

Some background on hubby: he is former spec ops who then worked as a medic. After 3 back surgeries, he was physically force to retire and lives with chronic pain requiring narcotics. He is a stay at home dad to our five month old son. 

The issue I need help with is that after my EA has come out and we're facing all the problems we've ignored, he says the one thing he has trouble dealing with is that I don't 'need' him. He feels that since our roles have shifted and I am the primary breadwinner and take care of the housework, that he serves no useful purpose in our marriage. 

I need him emotionally and tell him that as much as I can but its feeling like I'm still missing something. Is this common? Any thoughts or suggestions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.

Besides that you love him and need him that way... you need him help raise your son. That is the most important job there is.

He probably feels that it's the man's job to support his wife. So like many men he defines himself by his job/career. And now he does not have one.


This is something that he has to come to terms with.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

He's probably been reading about how marriages with SAHD usually end up. That's the real problem and it's probably hard wired for females. The ultimate fix is to become productive doing something. He needs to figure out how to be an artist or an entrepreneur so he can work for himself from home.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.


Not the same thing at all. Especially so in this context.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Not the same thing at all. Especially so in this context.


We can let the OP decide that. I do think it's relevent.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The nature of the beast here is a guy has to go out and work and be worth his salt.
It may sound like you doesn't think he needs you and his focus is missguilded and use you as a point of refrerence.

What I mean is even if he never met you and didn't have a kid or was with some one else, the bottom line is he feels worthless cuz he isn't worth his salt, not making a living, bringing home the bacon, going out and hunting and bring home the kill for his mate to clean and cook.

The best thing for him is getting on a pain management program and find a little job were he can make *him self* feel worthy.

This isn't about you not needing him, he is just making a round about statement and it real/underlining meaning is he needs to provide so he feels worth to him self.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Spec Ops. Alpha guys. Totally understood. Red...what you gotta somehow wrap your brain around is that your husband, as much training and sh-t that he's seen ~ more than any man needs to, he thought he had a woman at "home". Something that he could look at when he was deep in the mire of sh-t called "Whateverastan" and be comforted.

You killed that. I don't say that lightly and I am sorry to be blunt and possibly hurt your feelings, but that's the deal. You hurt your husband...that man who has seen and done so much, that his psyche couldn't bear much more when it comes to personal sh-t.

Yes, as Ele says, sometimes a man feels that it's his job to support his wife...but so many of us define ourselves by our career. How many guys I knew in my past life when asked "who are you" answered "I am a pilot" , before they said, "I am a husband with a great family who I love".

Make sure you never stretch any amount of truth. Make sure that you tell him every f'ng day how greatful you are to have this opportunity to show him your love. And most of all...hold him when he hurts so severely, that none would ever know the depth of that pain.

Just hold him.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

By the way...anyone who reads this and reads my Alpha statement at the beginning ~ well, do NOT misunderstand that an Alpha male who is in a line of work such as Spec Ops does not need someone to comfort him. Sometimes, you gotta let that f'ng guard down.

Trust me. I know that.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ask him if he thinks that SAHM's contribute nothing to the family.
> 
> Besides that you love him and need him that way... you need him help raise your son. That is the most important job there is.
> 
> ...


He views it as inappropriate for a man. He is very traditional in that respect. Even as a stay at home dad and with me working full time, I still do most of the laundry and all of the housework.

Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.

I'm going to have to bring it up in MC to get another take on how to help him with this. I view him as strong, sexy and I get weak in the knees when I see this macho guy holding our son when I come home at night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

No, it is entirely different. 

He feels unneeded, and rightfully so. 
You are the primary breadwinner. And because he is SpecOps, that probably means he is not home as much as you want him to be. So he doesn't help as much with the kids. So you don't need his help for raising the kids, or his income. 

Saying you need him emotionally, is worthless at this point. 
You had an EA. And I am hoping you threw those AP out the window when DDay occurred. 
What good is emotional support to him? He saw you outsource emotional support once, so he'll always have, in the back of his head, the thought that you could do it again. 
He may also worry, you'll throw him out just like you threw out your AP. Because he saw you do it with them, so what is there to stop you from doing it to him? Nothing you say can really put this thought to rest either. 

And these thoughts and problems will drive a man insane.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It not about you not needing him its about him feeling like he can't provide for him self and his family.

he needs to find something that brings meaning for him self and its hard cuz hes all jacked up.

Granted you didn't do him any favors but lets stay on topic, he needs a self esteem boost by being able to provide..even if its not much...something that will bring him some self worth.

I bet he would make a great security consultant if you hasn't high and had a better pain managment program.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Spec Ops. Alpha guys. Totally understood. Red...what you gotta somehow wrap your brain around is that your husband, as much training and sh-t that he's seen ~ more than any man needs to, he thought he had a woman at "home". Something that he could look at when he was deep in the mire of sh-t called "Whateverastan" and be comforted.
> 
> You killed that. I don't say that lightly and I am sorry to be blunt and possibly hurt your feelings, but that's the deal. You hurt your husband...that man who has seen and done so much, that his psyche couldn't bear much more when it comes to personal sh-t.
> 
> ...


Ugh - yes, this is a lot of what he's said. He used to brag to everyone that HE had the right kind of wife, one he could trust. I am one of only two people he's ever trusted and the other died three years ago (our best man).
I am NOT giving up on him. Just trying to figure out his definition of need and meeting that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> He views it as inappropriate for a man. He is very traditional in that respect. Even as a stay at home dad and with me working full time, I still do most of the laundry and all of the housework.
> 
> Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.
> 
> I'm going to have to bring it up in MC to get another take on how to help him with this. I view him as strong, sexy and I get weak in the knees when I see this macho guy holding our son when I come home at night.


The business has not taken off quickly. 

What about supporting him continuing to find ways to grow it... (don't mean to imply that you are not already supportive)? There are programs at the SBA that can help him build this up. There are SBA loans for veterins. 

Has he approached bike shops in your area? Has he approached non-profits that rebuild bikes for kids for xmas?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Ugh - yes, this is a lot of what he's said. He used to brag to everyone that HE had the right kind of wife, one he could trust. I am one of only two people he's ever trusted and the other died three years ago (our best man).
> I am NOT giving up on him. Just trying to figure out his definition of need and meeting that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My dear Red...how often I spoke of how wonderful my wife was as I flew to France, to Costa Rica, to every state in the Continental US and every Carribean island you can imagine. How wonderful she was to understand my way of life.

Ask him what he needs you to be. In a sense, you may have to re-define yourself. Do you love him? If you do, then you will bow down and out of the truest love, give him what he needs.

Remember...this is a guy who was at the top of his game as a Spec Ops medic. That sh-t ain't to be taken lightly. These guys go places where mere mortal men would piss their pants.

Don't take that lightly whatsoever because it was "mundane". Kinda like I explained to Regret that last year when I had to do a test flight on my jet when it was ready to f'ng kill me...ohh...that was one of the days that she went to bang the xOM. Yeah...I almost died that f'ng day and she was off having her awesome orgasm.

Think about that. Don't do that sh-t to another human being. Especially, one you say you love.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Yeah the pain management is pretty f'd up. He has permanent and and ongoing deterioration of his nerves. In addition to all the titanium screws and rods, he has wires running up his spine hooked up to a unit in his hip that sends electrical impulses. That takes the pain down about 30%, the narcotics he takes about 1/3 of the prescribed dose and that takes him down some more but it's still never gone. 
I've stopped 'babying' him or scolding when he's doing something that aggravates the pain since that bugs him to no end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The business has not taken off quickly.
> 
> What about supporting him continuing to find ways to grow it... (don't mean to imply that you are not already supportive)? There are programs at the SBA that can help him build this up. There are SBA loans for veterins.
> 
> Has he approached bike shops in your area? Has he approached non-profits that rebuild bikes for kids for xmas?


Oh definitely - he's applied to all sorts of different programs. So far nada, but I'll keep researching. 

I try to be a cheerleader and rah-rah him but he's just sinking. I just got a text that he thinks its just that he's doubting himself in every area right now and has to stop doing that and trust his instinct.

I like the bicycle idea though. He does motorcycles but doing something like that for kids might lift his spirits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Mach, he's been working on building business custom painting and pin striping bikes. It's been a year of disappointment in that respect. I keep reminding him it takes years to build a business but he views this as 'another' failure.


Ha! Used to do that myself back in the early 70's. Bikes, vans, rods, and customs. I was even in a national van magazine as a featured muralist after only 4 years in the business. I started at age 15 and did my last custom job about age 21. It takes a long time to build up notoriety, unless you get into a magazine, but with the web that may have changed. Still, it's a very slow process, but just what the doctor ordered. Keep him revved up about it.

I used to use a Binks production gun and touch-up gun and Paasche VL and VLS airbrushes. The murals were very "in" for years and I did lots of Frank Frazetta rip-offs, but when the end came it was quick and final.

When I first started out, I started with my own car and then did a lot of free work for friends, only charging them for materials and making them assist with prep. Then I started charging the referrals that came in. Make sure your H uses a good respirator; lacquer fumes are bad.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I like the bicycle idea though. He does motorcycles but doing something like that for kids might lift his spirits.


I forgot about doing bicycles. That was before my first car. Light blue pinstripe over a gold base candy blue. Really overkill.

I suppose this was all from a career ending jump, right? What percentage disability was he awarded?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Juicer said:


> No, it is entirely different.
> 
> He feels unneeded, and rightfully so.
> You are the primary breadwinner. And because he is SpecOps, that probably means he is not home as much as you want him to be. So he doesn't help as much with the kids. So you don't need his help for raising the kids, or his income.
> ...


Strangely enough, our marriage did really, really well when he WAS home less because I am independent so it stayed balanced. When he retired, he went into a depressed funk. He just withdrew. Any suggestion of counseling back then earned me one hell of a fight. Then his best friend died in an accident. Then we lost the house. Then his mother sued us. Then the EA. 

I know how lucky I am that he fought so hard to shake me up and get my head straight. I tell him every day that I love him and try to show him. When he says something about how he really feels, I don't take it for granted since that doesn't come easily for him. It's just hard to decipher at times but I want to get it right since I f'd up so badly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I forgot about doing bicycles. That was before my first car. Light blue pinstripe over a gold base candy blue. Really overkill.
> 
> I suppose this was all from a career ending jump, right? What percentage disability was he awarded?


Yeah, I think this might be a good side project! 

No jump or anything specific really. His dad's spinal column deteriorated and was exacerbated by being crazy wild man (motorcycle accidents), same with hubby. He was discharged a while back and doing work for the studios in LA so he did get retirement and some disability settlement through the union.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Red.  Fellow WW, husband is a combat veteran and now is in federal law enforcement. Has he looked into the GI Bill? He'd have to take classes, but it is tax free money and the government pays the school directly. Maybe that income could help him feel better about himself and be invested in his business? 

You sound very supportive, btw. Good luck.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Hi Red.  Fellow WW, husband is a combat veteran and now is in federal law enforcement. Has he looked into the GI Bill? He'd have to take classes, but it is tax free money and the government pays the school directly. Maybe that income could help him feel better about himself and be invested in his business?
> 
> You sound very supportive, btw. Good luck.


Thanks Annie - I'll have to research that stuff and see what he can qualify for - can't hurt! The biggest problem is the constant necessity for narcotics so studying is well, troublesome but maybe if done a little at a time it would work. 

He's returning tomorrow night from a bike show that didn't go so well so I'm going back to what I used to do:
A bottle of red wine, two huge rib eye steaks, a babysitter, candles and lingerie. I may not do so well keeping his spirits up outside the bedroom but at least I know I can do that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

The VA in my region is pretty great. My husband just calls them up and they answer all his questions. I even have a friend who is going to school on her HUSBAND's GI Bill but I think he's still active duty. 

I hope he qualifies. My husband took 4 week classes at a school here, but you only attend 1 day a week for 4 hrs. 

Annie


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Oh definitely - he's applied to all sorts of different programs. So far nada, but I'll keep researching.
> 
> I try to be a cheerleader and rah-rah him but he's just sinking. I just got a text that he thinks its just that he's doubting himself in every area right now and has to stop doing that and trust his instinct.
> 
> ...


Does he have a web site? He needs one with pictures... then he can advertise on Craigslist under the services section, and put on forums, etc.

If he does not have a web site and does not know how to create/get on I can help with that ... there are even free ways to get on. Just PM me.


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## Cold_World (Nov 29, 2012)

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eventually I would have a portfolio and go to a web firm an pick up a 9-5 for stability. the beauty is that it's all in the mind not body.can be done from home. 

I am moving soon, I can send you old pc if you need them to get started, PM . good luck 


if he already knows a little about web and computers then this is a money maker:
Beginning Joomla!: From Novice to Professional: Dan Rahmel: Amazon.com: Books


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Not the same thing at all. Especially so in this context.





EleGirl said:


> We can let the OP decide that. I do think it's relevent.


Men are from Mars and see things clearly.

Women are from Venus, where the clouds are so thick they can't see the hands in front of their own face. Especially from the view point of how a man is devalued in his own eyes when he becomes a SAHD.

Women after women become WW's when a wife becomes the bread winner they then trade in their SAHD/BH for a man/OM that is making even more money then their BH.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Oh definitely - he's applied to all sorts of different programs. So far nada, but I'll keep researching.


Did he go take the business classes at the SBA?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theroad said:


> Men are from Mars and see things clearly.
> 
> Women are from Venus, where the clouds are so thick they can't see the hands in front of their own face. Especially from the view point of how a man is devalued in his own eyes when he becomes a SAHD.
> 
> Women after women become WW's when a wife becomes the bread winner they then trade in their SAHD/BH for a man/OM that is making even more money then their BH.


Actually, the stats are that a man is about 50% more likely to cheat when his wife earns more than he does.

I ended up supporting both of my husbands... had no issue with it. In both cases they were the one s who cheated and acted out in the marriage. I stayed faithful.

I know quite a few high-income earning women who just like myself supported their husbands who ended up cheating on them.

Stereo typing people based on gender is nonsense.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He is suffering from a huge kick to his ego. I agree with the others that he needs to find something to do to build that back. It will come in time. He sounds like the kind of guy that will find a way. 

Since most men feel they are to be the provider then at the root of this is a feeling that he has lost some degree of his masculinity. No one knows him as well as you so In the mean time you need to find ways to make him feel his manly side more. It will reduce the impact somewhat. I can't you exactly how to accomplish that cause ever mans different but I can tell you it won't work by telling him how much hes needed or whatever. He would think that was just trying to make him feel better and would disregard it. It has to be subtle subconscious things. Make yourself seem helpless even when you aren't so he has to help poor little old you. Know what I mean?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Oh definitely - he's applied to all sorts of different programs. So far nada, but I'll keep researching.
> 
> I try to be a cheerleader and rah-rah him but he's just sinking. I just got a text that he thinks its just that he's doubting himself in every area right now and has to stop doing that and trust his instinct.
> 
> ...


When you sense this weak spot he is going through, does it ever make you doubt your love for him? Like, maybe you should have stayed with OM after all, since your husband is now a basket case?

Please understand the spirit in which I ask this - I'm asking this way because I have concerns that my wife may be thinking about me along those lines, as I am now in a very deep depression, and am in a very weak position.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has he ever considered writing? He must have some good background for stories. I mean, a spec ops soldier who becomes a medic? Lots of background, there!

Hang on! That's my father in law! He was Royal Marines SBS (back in the day when they were really tough) and then became a medic after he finished his time in the SBS. Sorry! Sidetracked myself, there!

But even if your husband were to just start a blog (Blogger.com is the easiest I know of) that would give him an outlet.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

bobka said:


> When you sense this weak spot he is going through, does it ever make you doubt your love for him? Like, maybe you should have stayed with OM after all, since your husband is now a basket case?
> 
> Please understand the spirit in which I ask this - I'm asking this way because I have concerns that my wife may be thinking about me along those lines, as I am now in a very deep depression, and am in a very weak position.


No, it really doesn't make me question my love for him. It really adds to the shame and guilt that I've added to his burden. 

For me, OM was never a go-to option. He was married with children and does not live locally. I never loved him and to be quite honest, at this point seeing how easily he moved on - it's clear there was no real emotion from either of us. 

It just adds more and more to how stupid it was for me to have gone down that path at such a cost to the wonderful man I married.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> No, it really doesn't make me question my love for him. It really adds to the shame and guilt that I've added to his burden.
> 
> For me, OM was never a go-to option. He was married with children and does not live locally. I never loved him and to be quite honest, at this point seeing how easily he moved on - it's clear there was no real emotion from either of us.
> 
> It just adds more and more to how stupid it was for me to have gone down that path at such a cost to the wonderful man I married.


Thanks for your answer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know, we can all do such incredibly hurtful things to the one we love. 

I hope this cheers you up! Spike Jones You always Hurt the One You Love - YouTube


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thanks folks - it's helpful to hear this since I'm really baffled at times with what to do. 

BH and I have had an opportunity to have some really meaningful conversations over the last few days. He's been looking over some of my posts on TAM which has also been really helpful (mostly) as well as some of yours. I've suggested that perhaps he post here when he's feeling stressed or just to help vent and get out some of his feelings. 

Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Thanks folks - it's helpful to hear this since I'm really baffled at times with what to do.
> 
> BH and I have had an opportunity to have some really meaningful conversations over the last few days. He's been looking over some of my posts on TAM which has also been really helpful (mostly) as well as some of yours. I've suggested that perhaps he post here when he's feeling stressed or just to help vent and get out some of his feelings.
> 
> Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.


Smiled when I read this.

I tell myself not to read the CWI section, but get drawn in time and time again.

It can get quite depressing to read some of the crap that us humans can put each other through.

But when you read something like this it lifts your heart.

So good to hear of a success story.

Good luck to you both.

Post some piccies of the wedding in the social spot if you can.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thanx Wysh - I'm over the moon right now!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Thanks folks - it's helpful to hear this since I'm really baffled at times with what to do.
> 
> BH and I have had an opportunity to have some really meaningful conversations over the last few days. He's been looking over some of my posts on TAM which has also been really helpful (mostly) as well as some of yours. I've suggested that perhaps he post here when he's feeling stressed or just to help vent and get out some of his feelings.
> 
> Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.


:smthumbup:
Very happy for you. 
Hi Mr TCSRedhead!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Acabado said:


> :smthumbup:
> Very happy for you.
> Hi Mr TCSRedhead!




You can find him here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/63033-emotionally-retarded.html


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> You can find him here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/63033-emotionally-retarded.html


I thought it was him. I'll post there.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again


You husband is a real man and very strong!

He has been hit very hard in life yet he is still standing and even taking steps forward.
I am impressed by him


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Yesterday, he asked me to marry him all over again so this spring we'll be doing that in a private ceremony at the beach. I feel very lucky to have this second chance with the man I love.


You've done everything right to repair this marriage. You've proven to him that you're sincere, and he's acknowledged his part in all this (judging by his thread). And he wants to marry you all over again! I can't think of anything better than this! Wish you two the best!

The infidelity section does get depressing after a while, it's good to see good news too


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> You've done everything right to repair this marriage. You've proven to him that you're sincere, and he's acknowledged his part in all this (judging by his thread). And he wants to marry you all over again! I can't think of anything better than this! Wish you two the best!
> 
> The infidelity section does get depressing after a while, it's good to see good news too


In the spirit of being honest, I spent a year doing everything WRONG. I'm amazed at his patience and love for me.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> If everything you say is true then you sound like a martyr trying to punish yourself for some "evil" deed.


No martyr here - just a wife who made some very bad choices trying to help repair the damage.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> In the spirit of being honest, I spent a year doing everything WRONG. I'm amazed at his patience and love for me.


I have seen BS's here for a year and refuse to learn the right way to kill an affair and recover.

Think of what you did as learning what does not work.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

theroad said:


> I have seen BS's here for a year and refuse to learn the right way to kill an affair and recover.
> 
> Think of what you did as learning what does not work.


That does help. There are still things that come out that just make me realize how much of a mess it is still. Hearing BH tell me that he had already printed out divorce papers and had an exit plan emphasizes how far down the rabbit hole this situation had gotten.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Yes, we talked about that last night.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Confused2much said:


> You're being abused. You feel you deserve it because you've made a mistake in the past and he's using it against you. He's unemployed, depressed and probably self-loathing and here you are a beautiful, successful wife who other men want. He's insecure and angry. You're taking it from him. This site is filled with people who've been cheated on and they are angry and in pain. They won't admit it but I bet they are getting some sort of sadistic pleasure in seeing a woman who cheated get beat up. I'll probably get beat up by saying this but I don't care.


C2M, not gonna beat you up, but would definitely like to know more about you. You say you've been living the "fantasy life" online, and yet you don't seem to acknowledge that this is some form of infidelity. Do I have that right?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Just fwiw - I read your husband's thread & don't believe for a minute that he is abusing you. His pain sounds very real & he sounds very much like he wants his marriage to work.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There is definitely no abuse going on. For most of our marriage, my husband worked 14 - 16 hour days 6 days a week. He was the primary breadwinner in our household. 

Additionally, he made sure that my daughters from a previous relationship, were cared for and he always treated them just like his own children. 

This wasn't just a 'fantasy world', my actions were deliberate and hurtful. Had the roles been reversed, I would have been absolutely crushed. Add to that the fact that I knew how depressed and lost he was when he found himself in a position that he wasn't ABLE to be the same person who worked crazy hours and took care of everything for everyone else. That's pretty crappy and essentially was kicking him when he was down. 

Then, for a year, after I had cut off contact, I continued to treat him like HE was the bad guy being rude and confrontational. 

Soooo... we're now in a place where we're putting all our emotions, worries, actions out on the table so everything is transparent. The fact that he shared that tells me a lot and lets me know that his patience in waiting for me to commit to this marriage was wearing thin.

That still leads me to my original question of how do you make someone feel needed? If you have some insight on that, let me know.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Confused2much said:


> Then he should be nicer to his wife. It's time to appreciate his wife for all the amazing things she does do:
> 
> 1. Laundry
> 2. Almost all the housework
> ...


Sorry to say but you just dont "Get over an affair" it takes lots of hard work from both, to "get thru an affair" getting over it to me means rug sweeping and and not addressing the core issues and facing them head on together.

to Somedaydig, I said this before, Buddy I would be glad to call you friend..I like your style.

Red, just be there for him, listen to him & comfort him when you can, you sound like a good woman and he sounds like a good man...Has he thought of doing work with the local vo-tech or high school? alot of them have shop classes for kids re-doing cars, he could offer up his services for pin stripping etc, hell maybe even teach some kids how to do it to, also since he was a medic, same deal, teaching or something along those lines at a local VFD? I bet your husband has a wealth of knowledge and skills to share and make a buck at...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your H sounded like he was struggling to be able to express himself, to ask for help when he needs it, because it makes him feel like a weak man & he's been conditioned his entire life to not feel this way.

I think you don't get over a lifetime of conditioning very quickly. I also think that it sounds like his work ethic and worldview have brought him and his family good things. So, he 's walking this fine line between being able to open up and living with himself once he does it.

Small steps, I guess. If he can allow himself a small 'weakness' at first & you accept it and make it clear that it doesn't reflect poorly on him as a man, maybe with time he'll find his way to more open expression.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Gonna chime in here, despite my considerable inexperience. Just so you have an idea where I'm coming from, I've been officially separated from my wife for over 4 months, but unofficially I'd say it was over a year as we were living like roomates in the same house. I will not R and we are both now moving on. She was extremelly co-dependant, whereas I am not. This is a crucial factor, but may not apply to your marriage at all. 

The topic of need came up near the end of our marriage. While discussing co-dependance, I had told my wife that unlike co-dependant people, I am capable of making my own self happy. She took this as "I don't need you". 

Maybe it was the combination of books I was reading, coupled with the advise of the MC and IC, but I got to thinking, maybe 'need' isn't so healthy. Maybe WANT is better than NEED. 

'Want' might also be a bit easier to approach as well. This can be little things that make a difference too. 

How would your husband feel if you were to tell him you wanted him to go out bowling with you and your friends, or, please come out and see this awesome thing I saw...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

My H did something very unusual just yesterday. He actually came right out and said "I need your advice about what to do here". During his A he was the smartest guy in the room(in his opinion) and I was 'just' the wife. So for him to actually say he needed my help is HUGE for him and made me feel good. Something like that maybe, but only if its genuine.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> . . . That still leads me to my original question of how do you make someone feel needed? If you have some insight on that, let me know.


Dear TCSR,

May I suggest that your H's problem isn't that he doesn't "feel needed" but rather that, as he measures things anyway, you really don't need him.

You seem to have done everything you can to let him know that you value his love, emotional support, etc. However, given who he is, that isn't enough. To a man, feeling "needed" means being respected by his woman as a good provider and as a desirable sexual partner. Given that you are the family's sole bread-winner, he perceives that he has failed in the first capacity and, sadly, given your unfaithfulness, he likely believes he has failed in the second as well. I can only imagine how heavily this must weigh on him.

On top of that, your continually to tell him that you need him might actually be counterproductive. He's knows it's not true (again, as he measures things) and he may believe that are just saying it out of pity. By trying to help him in this manner, you simply remind him that _he_ is the dependent on _you_, not the other way around, which only makes him feel worse.

Only your H can solve this problem and, IMO, that requires that he start doing something productive. Being a SAHF may be of value to you but, to him, it probably just makes him feel like he has very little to contribute -- as a man -- to his family (you know, child care is "woman's work" and all that).

Consider whether it wouldn't be better to let him know that, while you're willing to do what you can to help, this is his problem and only he can solve it. Encourage him to consider what he might do besides (or in addition to) taking care of your children. Perhaps he could find work that his health permits or go back to school or even do volunteer work.

Of course, you should continue to reinforce your respect for him in every way you can, but what he really needs is to be able to respect himself.

Hoping for the best for you and your family.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

I think its time for me to chime in here. Someone saying I am abusing my wife in ANYWAY does nothing but piss me off. In no way am I abusing my wife. To put things in context here, we were talking about things yesterday. My wife has stated many times while talking about all this she thought it was amazing I stayed with her considering how she had been treating me of this last year. Now this whole thing is about being HONEST with each other and if I am to expect her to be honest with me I need to be honest with her. I wanted to be clear with her that no I wasn't just being this great and wonderful husband that she seemed to be stating I was. I told her some time ago I printed out not only did I print out the D paperwork but also printed out DNA paperwork for our child. I gave myself a timeline and if things did not change in that timeline I would have no other choice but to file and move on with my life and she could move on with hers. Thankfully they did change and the paperwork was filed where I had hoped they would be and that is in the trash can. If I expect her to be honest then I also need to do the same at all times.

As for this crap of she pays the bills and does everything for me, think you need to learn what your talking about before you post. I still bring money into this house from my pension and other things. I do take care of our five month old son which makes it for she can travel for her carreer and better herself. She was ALWAYS very supportive and VERY understanding of my carreer and it is time for me to do the same for her. We share the cooking and other things in the house and yes I am a damn good cook. And I am also an artist, I paint mostly motorcycles but also do wall art, pinstriping and so on which also brings money in. If you care to see any of my work some of it is posted here:

http://www.facebook.com/PirateKustoms?ref=hl

My wife is far from playing the martyr, we are talking and being HONEST about how each of us felt, how each of us is dealing with this and how we can move forward. None of which is an attack. She is doing a far better job then I am at talking, listening and explaining her feelings without getting mad then I am. With me I am using anger to mask the hurt, anger has always been my best emotion and my complete shutdown emotion so I feel nothing. 

I will say this here for everyone understands. I love my wife dearly, she is an outstanding woman, a very beautiful woman, a truely fantastic mother to our children and these feelings for her have not changed. Yes, I am hurt by what she has done but, I am sure as we BOTH work to improve ourselves and learn to express our needs and feelings, this hurt will heal. I asked my wife to marry me again not because I need her to support me, not because her and I have another child to raise together, I asked her because she is my best friend, because I know she truely knows the hurt she caused me and is doing all she can to never do it again and because I honestly want to spend a life time with her.

I hope this clears some of this up.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

For a man who claims have "trouble expressing himself" I believe you make your points very clear.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

About "abuse". I do believe affairs are abusive, without any qualifiers. Then I know it's debatable, there're many behaviors, attitudes which can be considered abusive, somehow, within a marriage. Sometimes depends on how the wayward behave towards the betrayed while the ongoing affair. Some compartimentalize well so there's not outward abusive bahavior. Sometimes it's not the case.
Where there's no doubt in my mind is... the aftermath. Lack of remorse, empathy, defensiveness, secretiveness, blameshifting, lack of caring... in the aftermath of an affair is indeed abusive, salt in the wounds.
TCSRedhead, thanks God, aknowledges her poor behavior in the aftermath. She has posted it many times in other threads. She owns her stuff, the affair, the poor reaction after DDay. She regrets both. She thanks finding TAM to realize she needed to make it better. She's implementing all what she's learning here, seeing other people's hurt in her own marriage. 
I imagine that's what finnaly made Crashandburn realize she was back, full force.
I'm happy for you both.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Crash,

You stated things very well. I'm going to tell you one thing. I envy you being able to spend so much time with your son. My father worked himself to death. I never saw him and its a void in my life that still bothers me. You can show your son all the love a father wants to give because you'll be there for him. And make no mistake EVERY father wants to show his love but most are so busy earning a living and being trampled on by the world that they always come up short. And make no mistake, your wife needs you big time. You are her rock and her foundation. Remember, Atlas stood in one place and never moved. But he carried the universe on his shoulders.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> My H did something very unusual just yesterday. He actually came right out and said "I need your advice about what to do here". During his A he was the smartest guy in the room(in his opinion) and I was 'just' the wife. So for him to actually say he needed my help is HUGE for him and made me feel good. Something like that maybe, but only if its genuine.


:iagree:

Sincerely asking someone for their opinion or advice BEFORE expressing your own conclusion is one of the best compliments in the world.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I really appreciate the advice. I think it's helped quite a bit. We are coming bit by bit to a better place. I like the advice about want versus need - I think that makes a lot of sense.

I would agree that while he 'says' he doesn't express himself well, he does pretty well in writing! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

The problem with me tho is I can express myself here when I get mad at something but, saying something at the time when I need it is not so good. I would tell everyone I worked with I had the best wife in the world but would have to say I was pretty poor at showing that to her. If I would have been any good at it neither one of us would be here now. At least by learning I need to work on this, not only will my wife know every day what she means to me, my son will also know how proud and how much I love him every day.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> I would tell everyone I worked with I had the best wife in the world but would have to say I was pretty poor at showing that to her. If I would have been any good at it neither one of us would be here now. At least by learning I need to work on this, not only will my wife know every day what she means to me, my son will also know how proud and how much I love him every day.


Change that. You know her, asks her how you can express your love to her in a way she fully apreciate it (and the opposite)... or use some tools you can find out for this.

Books:
The five love languages.
His needs her needs
Love busters
All of them have online info and questionaires so you familiarice with the concepts. It seems a littly silly to do it with a "plan", we like spontaneity but the truth is we are not that smart and sure enough not mind readers. Doing it together also may help to open the comunication lines.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Change that. You know her, asks her how you can express your love to her in a way she fully apreciate it (and the opposite)... or use some tools you can find out for this.
> 
> Books:
> The five love languages.
> ...


Great suggestions Acabado. The Five Love Languages is a really good one. We each have different ways of communicating and by knowing the way your spouse will best receive your message you can be sure that they really hear what you are trying to say. My love language is touch so my wife makes sure to be in phycisal contact with me as much as she can. Her love languange is quality time so I give her as much time as I can and whn I am with her I make sure I may close attention. When we are in the car many times I will miss an exit because I am paying more attention to her than I am to where I am going. lol


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> The problem with me tho is I can express myself here when I get mad at something but, saying something at the time when I need it is not so good.* I would tell everyone I worked with I had the best wife in the world but would have to say I was pretty poor at showing that to her.* If I would have been any good at it neither one of us would be here now. At least by learning I need to work on this, not only will my wife know every day what she means to me, my son will also know how proud and how much I love him every day.


I think the world of Red today. And I don't mean to 'bash' her, but the bold part above? That describes most married men. And that by itself didn't cause her to seek an EA. Not at all. 

You now have a very level-headed, and dedicated wife, you have great life-experiences, you have a newborn that is lucky to have such loving parents. Concentrate on that. 

Oh, I really like Acabado's suggestions. You are going to be fine. I hope your physical ailments become minimal and have much success in your budding business. 

BTW - excellent artistic talent. Have you taken some spec bike work to bike or car shows? Print out some business cards and set up a table at a few shows. It might be slow going but what do you have to lose?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Crashandburn said:


> The problem with me tho is I can express myself here when I get mad at something but, saying something at the time when I need it is not so good. I would tell everyone I worked with I had the best wife in the world but would have to say I was pretty poor at showing that to her. If I would have been any good at it neither one of us would be here now. At least by learning I need to work on this, not only will my wife know every day what she means to me, my son will also know how proud and how much I love him every day.


This is a very common effect. There are so many ways to actually say something - gestures, writing, time together, etc. So much of it is training ourselves out of our comfort zone. You can do this in small ways to start. Decide you will do one small thing this month and then schedule it and follow through. Maybe you decide to offer one sentence of praise every day. People often respond with surprise or suspicion at first, but they quickly appreciate it & then give it back.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This is a very common effect. There are so many ways to actually say something - gestures, writing, time together, etc. So much of it is training ourselves out of our comfort zone. You can do this in small ways to start. Decide you will do one small thing this month and then schedule it and follow through. Maybe you decide to offer one sentence of praise every day. People often respond with surprise or suspicion at first, but they quickly appreciate it & then give it back.


Exactly. It's not about to love more but slowly train ourselves to love better. It takes some effort and patience but it's very rewarding.

Hi Red, your husband just shamelessly stole you thread. W.T.F!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He can take anything he wants - LOL!!! He is very talented. I love his artwork (and him).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, your H is very expressive. You can see it in his writing and his art.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Try reading "His Needs Her Needs" together and see if it helps you communicate with each other about this issue. 

Maybe you can reach each other through the stuff in the book? Sometimes, indirect approaches help give access to the direct and real issues.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

That's a good recommendation - we'll have to try that one next, moxy. I've read Not Just Friends and the 5 Love Languages and can see some changes from those.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> That's a good recommendation - we'll have to try that one next, moxy. I've read Not Just Friends and the 5 Love Languages and can see some changes from those.


His Needs, Her Needs is a really good one. You might be surprised what you don't know about him and yourself.

Has he read the 5 love languages? If not he needs to.

And Red, I know thing might be a little bit off lately. I know your husband is dealing with some serious issues, maybe even a lack of confidence. But I want you to hear this. You know what kind of man he was. You know what he was capable of. He might be in a slight downturn right now. He might be in a bit of a valley.

But men like this will NOT STAY DOWN FOR LONG. He will pull it together and in a big way. And when he does he will come back with a vengence.

*DO NOT GIVE UP ON THIS MAN.*

Keep hitching your wagon to this bull. You will not be sorry.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thanks bfree. I'm definitely not giving up on him by any means. I worry more about him giving up on me or himself.

I did read the 5 Love Languages and it was really interesting. I am definitely all Physical Touch while he's Words of Affirmation. So it's like being from different countries with no common language at times. 

Very rough night - lots of talking and then a baby who didn't want to sleep. Today's going to be a rough day.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Thanks bfree. I'm definitely not giving up on him by any means. I worry more about him giving up on me or himself.
> 
> I did read the 5 Love Languages and it was really interesting. I am definitely all Physical Touch while he's Words of Affirmation. So it's like being from different countries with no common language at times.
> 
> Very rough night - lots of talking and then a baby who didn't want to sleep. Today's going to be a rough day.


Good. This is a special guy. He is transitioning right now but once he gets it figured out....watch out. Success is something that comes from within. He's always known success. He just needs to figure out a new way to kick a$$.

Did he read the book and determine that was his love language? You can't always say what his language is. He needs to learn that for himself. Make sure you communicate to him in HIS love language. If his love language is affirmation make sure you praise him when he does something worthy of praise. The trick is not to just praise him willy nilly. Then it won't mean anything. When he does something that's when you do it. And make sure you continue to look for opportunities. We can often miss the little things and while it might not seem like a huge deal to you it may be a huge deal to him.

When my wife and I read the 5 Love Languages we figured out my language was touch and hers was quality time. But she thought my love language was acts of service. I also realized that while I knew she wanted more of my time I didn't realize just how important it was to her. So now regardless of how tired I am if she needs my time I force myself to step up and give her my time. When we figured out my love language was touch she at first wasn't comfortable touching me enough. Now its just second nature for her. She holds my hand whenever we are in the car or walking down the street. If she is busy doing something she'll come to me and just hug me or give me one of those 10 second kisses she learned about on Athol Kay's site.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

We both took the test - it helped me when I read the book to understand why it's so important for him to hear me say what I feel, think, want, need from him. His second one was Quality Time which helped me understand why it drives him up a wall when I'm not giving him full attention.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Here is the bottom line of all this. I love my wife with all my heart. She is truely a wonderful woman, friend and lover. Yes, right now she hurt me but not to the point I want to walk away. If she hadn't changed in the last few months then yes I would have. I have seen the changes, have watched her work very hard to fix this. I have no intentions of giving up on her or myself. Every bit of this pain will be worth spending the rest of my life with my wife. And I know laying there at deaths door there will be no regrets of a single day with her.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Ms Red. I have been reading this forum for a while wanting to respond to people with whom I have something in common. Your SO and I do to some degree. If I can say something that can help I hope you don't tomahawk me too bad. I can say after 20 years of marriage followed by the BIG D. I like to hear what I'm doing right and wrong. It helps me as person. Constructive criticism if you will. But us guys and woman who do what we do sometimes need that little extra from their life partners to make sure we are on track with what your needs are. They are forever changing. Side note that chronic/severe pain is no joke. It takes a toll on the body and the mind. I don't know about C&B but it gives me the case of the crankys sometimes. After about 12 hours of work I'm spent but I keep going for my daughter.


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

I agree with you Rottdad, we need to talk and say what each other needs. Problem is I am not clear with what I need most of the time. 

Problems I have is one that she talks more to people here about personal feelings she has then she has with me in years. I had to join here just to figure out what she is thinking.

Second is I make it very clear to her here and at home that I love her very much. I say why I love her and try to make it known to everyone. She will say she loves me and says she needs me but never gives a reason why she does. I am suppose to take it at face value that she does. Years ago I was working and colapsed at work. I had a heart infection. I did not leave my post, I waited two hours for a medic to replace me and then drove an hour to the hospital where I wa put into ICU for five days. I have never laid down because I was hurt and i always thought that was one thing she did love about me. I made over six figures a year and supported my family no matter what. That is all gone now, so no, I don't have any clue why she would love or need me now. Sitting there watching someone in pain can not be fun for her. But right now I need to know the reasons why.

I want this to work and things to be fixed but I also know because things have changed in our lives with my work and health they can not be what they were ten years ago. My fear is I will not be enough for her. And you can't say it won't happen, it already did or neither of us would be posting here. Just some of my thoughts and my fears.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Brother all the things you have accomplished in life speaks volumes for eternity. Remember a woman never forgets. She knows you are a stand up guy, with good morals. You would more than likely jump in front of a bus for her. When I was injured, I was tore up from the floor up, you know the position. I couldn't do anything to help I felt completely useless, and unnecessary. I finally got to a point to break down the barriers that we put up, because it was killing me emotionally. I still think I won't be what my loved will need in the future. I base a lot of it on trust. My little lady I talk about my injuries, our daughter anything that comes to mind. If I am having a flair day she takes over. If she understands my state of mind she is able to help me more. Please man don't ever think you are useless, you are just different. The same man but you have limitations. From what I read from her posts you are plenty man for her, just don't forget her or her needs. You don't know until you ask. Remember brother you are human and don't forget to breathe and love the best way you know how with her help. Chicks dig it when you ask for help. At least my chick does. Include her in everything that will show her how special and needed she is it works for me every time. I look forward to hearing more dude and I hope I am helping in your efforts to keep your something special alive.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Re: Need some advice from the BS here
> That still leads me to my original question of how do you make someone feel needed? If you have some insight on that, let me know.


Red, you asked for advice so here is what I have at the moment.

My response may not set too good with your husband but I am going to say it anyway.

Red, from what you have written you have been doing a good job of trying to make him feel needed. Furthermore, you are hurting yourself yet you say and do things that are good signs that you need him and love him. I am listing below a few of your quotes that lead me to say that you are doing a good job.



> *Quotes by Red*
> I view him as strong, sexy and I get weak in the knees when I see this macho guy holding our son when I come home at night.
> I know how lucky I am that he fought so hard to shake me up and get my head straight.
> A bottle of red wine, two huge rib eye steaks, a babysitter, candles and lingerie. I may not do so well keeping his spirits up outside the bedroom but at least I know I can do that!
> ...


Here is one by your husband


> *BY Crashandburn*
> she truely knows the hurt she caused me and is doing all she can to never do it again and because I honestly want to spend a life time with her


I also noticed what your husband posted below:



> *BY Crashandburn*
> I made over six figures a year and supported my family no matter what. That is all gone now, so no, I don't have any clue why she would love or need me now. Sitting there watching someone in pain can not be fun for her. But right now I need to know the reasons why.
> 
> I want this to work and things to be fixed but I also know because things have changed in our lives with my work and health they can not be what they were ten years ago. My fear is I will not be enough for her. And you can't say it won't happen, it already did or neither of us would be posting here. Just some of my thoughts and my fears.


*



I don't have any clue why she would love or need me now.

Click to expand...

*It seems that the posts by RED above would be some good clues as to why she needs her husband and loves him.

*



My fear is I will not be enough for her.

Click to expand...

*That shows a real strong and brave man. Your husband is a man’s man and he is strong enough to say what many of us men hide. He also is greatly affected by the fact that he no longer is real healthy and is not making the six figures and in fact he is not successful at his current employment. As a man that has got to really take a toll. However, if the money and health was the reason that Red needed and loved her husband then the fact that she is still with him and is doing all that she can to make up for her hurting him proves that the money and health was not the main reason that she needs him or loves him. If money and health was the only things that she valued then she would be gone.

It appears that Red’s husband is more affected by his his own feelings of worth for being needed and loved than anyone else. I can empathize with Red’s husband (Crashandburn-C&B) about being affected by no longer being real healthy and making big money but that does not seem to have a lot to do with Red’s love and need for C&B.

C&B, you have proven to be a man that is strong and bold. *Now you are going to have to learn to readjust your mind and thinking. You can be a strong man in emotions and spirit and that has nothing to do with money and physical strength. *My parents have been strong in emotional support ad spiritual support for me and that is so much more valuable than money. In fact they have not been required to help me with money or their physical strength to any great degree. My father now has dementia and my mom is not as efficient as she used to be. They are in their 80s and they still add so much to my life with their emotional and spiritual strength.

When you realize that emotional and spiritual strength is so very important in relationships, you put money and physical strength in the proper order which is way below the emotional and spiritual. *C&B you have now the fight to change your priorities and change your mind so that you get a better idea of how valuable you are to yourself, your wife, and your children. *You have proven that you are a real fighter; now you can prove that you are a real fighter in your mind and attitude

Blunt (BS)


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> if the money and health was the reason that Red needed and loved her husband then the fact that she is still with him and is doing all that she can to make up for her hurting him proves that the money and health was not the main reason that she needs him or loves him. If money and health was the only things that she valued then she would be gone.


thanks, I think I needed that little eye opening kick in the ass :smthumbup:


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

C&B, I agree with Blunt. She is heavy lifting from what I can tell to prove to you, regardless of your health and financial situation, that she will do whatever it takes. You are valuable to her, emotionally, spiritually and of course physically. Remember the vows, to which I hold sacred. "For better or for worse, In sickness and in HEALTH! I know the health part is tough for you, it is for me. But we do what we must to protect the ones we love. That also means from yourself. What I mean by that is I am hard on myself when I come up short (POV) regarding her needs. I have been blessed with being able to read people really well. So I know when my honey is bent out of shape. If she needs to vent about anything I shut up and listen. Listening is also key to great communication and relationship. IMHO its not about the money or the material things you provide each other. When you lose all those as you have described (money)all you have left is each other (Family). With a strong bond you can weather practically any storm. My take on your SO is that she cherishes, loves, needs, values, and still finds you attractive. She understands what she has done has hurt you deeply and will forever strive to commit to a loving, faithful relationship. In that line of thinking you must do the same as best you can. Nobody is perfect, we all fall down, it's how we get back up that matters. In the end, if she didn't care she wouldn't try. As always my view point should be taken with a grain of salt.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I apologize to you Ms. Red this was your thread and you were asking for advice. This is my perspective from what I need from my better half. Love and support, appreciation, respect, communication and patience. If i am slacking in any one of those departments I expect her to tell me and not be passive aggressive in her approach that is pure and simple game playing and I don't have time for that except in the bedroom of course  I don't know about your husband, but I am a hugger. A hug for no reason, with a pinch or a slap on the butt goes along way with me and my better knows I like it, I have told her so and she does it. Funny how a simple want like that achieves so much. I just want to jump her right there in the bathroom and I have. TMI, sorry couldn't help that just slipped out. Keep doing what you are doing, us Alphas always like to hear positive reinforcement. In return I give my better half anything she wants and desires, within reason of course she has earned it living with a lawdog. I asked her yesterday if she was happy her response was "I have been waiting all my adult life for you, what took you so long to get here," my response was "Sorry hon traffic was a b***h". We talk, nothing is "Taboo." It's counter-productive not to share your feelings. Of course I'm not a cream puff, but because I care about her and I want to validate her feelings then sharing with her my deep and darkest is really good cheap therapy. Besides all that she is a smoking hot hottie, so I just want to look at her all the time, might as well talk to her (joking). I hope I have helped, somewhere in there was a skosh of perspective.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

C&B I agree things always change. We aren't able to tell the future, so one year, five years etc... how are we to function. I take it just like every one else one day at a time, making sure the next day is better. If we over analyze our every move we won't make forward progress. What worked for me in the past is we talk about one thing that either bothers us, annoys and so on. We commit 30 min or so to it. Then we drop it. Whether or not anything is resolved is inconsequential. We just talked to each other told one another how we felt and just listened, no yelling, screaming or getting hot under the collar. Then we sit on the comfy couch and cuddle. That is to us a feeling of accomplishment, understanding and a stronger bond. Which IMHO is the ultimate goal.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thanks folks - we've been taking the time to spend a lot of time together. The 19yo daughter is home from college which has been great since we don't see her as much. 

We're taking it all a day at a time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Thanks folks - we've been taking the time to spend a lot of time together. The 19yo daughter is home from college which has been great since we don't see her as much.
> 
> We're taking it all a day at a time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have a wonderful holiday, and keep workin' it!


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