# How to Reconcile with Bitter Spouse



## dale1657

I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:

My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?

I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.


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## farsidejunky

How is this any different than your previous thread?


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## dale1657

Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.


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## farsidejunky

I'm going to make this one post, and I'm going to leave this alone.

What we want to hear and what we need to hear are often two entirely different things.

Good luck.


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## dale1657

Shoot as hard and embarrassing as it is, your right. Thanks again. Maybe Ill have something to say to help someone else when all this becomes a distant memory.


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## michzz

dale1657 said:


> Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?
> 
> I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.


Yes, I have gone through the experience of a cheating wife blaming me for her failings and me wanting it to just stop and stay married.

The GOOD outcome was NOT the one my wounded ego wanted.

The GOOD outcome only happened when I retrieved my pride and control of things and booted her out of my life.

My happy ending was to be rid of her and to move on.


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## Kivlor

dale1657 said:


> Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.


Here's the problem Dale, you can't reconcile while the cheating is still ongoing. All you can do is sweep it under the rug. I mentioned in the other thread that you can choose to stop the divorce to try and reconcile if she comes around.

You can, however, keep your marriage if you want. It just comes with the price of letting your wife live with some other guy, and letting him **** her at night. Letting him take her out around town, and keeping your relationship with your wife a secret. 

That's your call. If you decide to do that, I maintain my previous advice: get a therapist who supports cuckoldry, and who can try to help you navigate that. 

If you go that route, you might try r/CuckoldCommunity. *(NSFW Warning)* They are devoted to letting other people **** their wives, maybe they can help.


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## anchorwatch

@dale1657,

I promise I won't tell you to divorce her. What you do is your choice. 

The truth is no one can tell you that there is a way to reconcile with someone who is active in a relationship with another. There are those that will take your money for false hopes and just leave you broke and alone in the end. 

I will ask you what makes you want a woman who doesn't want to be with you? ...a woman who has chosen to be with another man! 

Don't you think you deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you? Don't you think everyone deserves that? Is your sense of self-worth so damaged you don't think you deserve better? 

Let's get back to the outcome. It could be a good outcome. It could be one where you pull your pants up, dust yourself off, and learn from this. An outcome where Dale becomes the man he wants to be and gets what he deserves of a good life. How about you put her aside for now and work on you first and see where that goes. How does that sound?

Take a look at these links...No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

Best


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## Bananapeel

Kivlor has it right. For a marriage to work BOTH people have to want it. You want it but your wife doesn't at this point. Since all you can do is control yourself, you are essentially stuck waiting for her to have that aha moment when she gets her clarity and chooses you. The only real way that could coax that to happen is for her to fear losing you, so you have to be willing to walk out (not bluff) and start taking actions to improve yourself and start creating your life without her. 

The standard recommendations are to expose her affair, do the 180, and file for divorce. If those don't wake her up then nothing will.


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## Openminded

If you don't want to divorce her then your other option is to wait around for some unknown period of time hoping that eventually she will choose you. If she gets bored with him then she may come back. Or she may find someone else to take his place. There's always that risk too. 

If you're willing to put your life on hold while you wait for something that may never happen then certainly you can do that. But whether you will be happy with the result (either way) is another story.


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## Hope1964

Your wife isn't bitter, she's checked completely out.

1) See a lawyer and divorce ASAP
2) see a dr and get STD tested
3) go to a counselor and tell them you want to work on your self esteem issues


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## sokillme

You can go the Van Gogh route. Doesn't have to be your ear though, she seems to want more then that.

Dude we are telling you to divorce because from an outsiders perspective there looks to be very little hope and you are basically just going to hurt yourself in trying. You are not going to get what you want and in the end when you come to your senses you are going to feel worse for trying. 

We are not trying to ruin your day we just have a much clearer perspective then you.


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## GusPolinski

dale1657 said:


> Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.


Regardless of the advice you receive, how do you imagine you'll be able to reconcile with someone who clearly wants to divorce?

What magic formula do you think someone is going to hand you?


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## sokillme

dale1657 said:


> I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:
> 
> My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?
> 
> I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.


She clearly is a unicorn who ****s gold. That's the only reason I can see for you to still desperately wanting her.


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## Justsayin4897

farsidejunky said:


> I'm going to make this one post, and I'm going to leave this alone.
> 
> What we want to hear and what we need to hear are often two entirely different things.
> 
> Good luck.




You are right about that... 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

dale1657 said:


> I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:
> 
> My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?
> 
> I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.


I'm not going to tell you to divorce her. 

Instead, get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book has what I think you are looking for. Do what the book says.

If and when she ends the affair and comes back. Then get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Have her read them with you and do the work they say to do.

If you can afford it, get some appointments Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice He will help you.


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## Satya

Why divorce her when you can stay here and keep posting about your unhappiness? We're not going anywhere.... 

I am not having a dig at you, but that is what will likely happen if you don't do something. It doesn't have to be divorce, it could be to follow the advice @EleGirl gave but the bottom line is that you must do something radically different than you have been for there to be any sort of change. Doing the same thing over has not helped to change your situation. 

The most tragic thing I see about this is a man willing to give every last ounce of effort for an unworthy woman, when there are thousands of more worthy women who wouldn't force you to be in limbo in the first place. 

I hope you are able to find the advice you need. All the best.


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## chillymorn69

she left dude and she banging someone else.

shes manipulating you with false hopes. why on earth would you want her back?


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## AtMyEnd

dale1657 said:


> Because I asked for reconcile advice and didnt get any except divorce.


She walked out on you while you were away to move in with some other guy. Whether she told you she wanted to get your attention or not, SHE LEFT. After this much time if she hasn't come back or even tried to work things out and continued living with this other guy, I'm sorry to say but it's over. If she hadn't left or just left to live with her parents or a friend for a week or so and came back, maybe there would've been a shot at working things out but at this point I highly doubt that she's ever coming back or any chance of reconciliation. Sorry to say it but it's the truth. It's time to move on, take care of yourself and put her behind you.


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## arbitrator

*She ain't worth pursuing, Dale! I'd venture that her live-in was always her preeminent "Plan A" and despite the fact that she went ahead and married you, you were still no better than her "Plan B."

She embraced the opportunity of moving in with her Plan A when the time was right for her and the coast was clear! You were just merely hoodwinked!

Move on with your life because there is a woman out there who will truly love you for the man you are!*


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## Spitfire

In my opinion any man who would even want their wife back after doing this has psychological issues that need to be addressed. Would you agree Dale?


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## NoChoice

OP,
None of us need tell you to divorce her, SHE is telling you to divorce her. Did I read correctly that you, her H, are now a "side piece"? She is cheating on her A partner with you????? And you do not see this as problematic? In essence what you are doing is asking the folks here to tell you how to build a brick wall after telling us that you do not have a foundation, no mortar, no trowels and no bricks. How possibly can one attempt to build the wall, what must we say?


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## GusPolinski

EleGirl said:


> I'm not going to tell you to divorce her.
> 
> Instead, get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book has what I think you are looking for. Do what the book says.
> 
> If and when she ends the affair and comes back. Then get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Have her read them with you and do the work they say to do.
> 
> If you can afford it, get some appointments Dr. Harley at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice He will help you.


...and then be ready to do the exact same thing once she starts her next affair.


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## aine

Dale, I refuse to read anymore, your WW has kicked you in the nuts as hard as she can, why on earth are you hanging around for more?
You shouldn't even be talking to her, she is cake eating big time and of course she blames you for her cheating, that is what such low lifes do! 
FFS she moved in with another guy, it is OVER.


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## michzz

Besides the physical damage to me by my ex-wife's long-term affair, was the emotional damage caused by her vile behavior.

She had the gall to string me along, go through marriage counselling, act like she was repairing things with me from what she called a "one-time mistake". In reality? she was still screwing the guy all along. basically, a 10-year affair.

This is how twisted her "logic" was during that time. Once she finally admitted to what was going on she still made no sense. She said her intent was to break it off and felt that if she acted like she had it would make it easier to actually break it off. 

And I almost bought into it!

It was almost like I was in the lobster pot trying to tell the "cook" to turn up the flames since the sooner the boiling was over the sooner I would get out of the pot! Not realizing, of course, that the next phase was to be eaten.

If you had heard from me during that period of time, I'd have been full of attempts to make sense of things and holding out for a glimmer of hope that this women who I thought would love me til the day I died would change her mind about letting some other guy screw her all the time, disrespecting me for years, letting me think she wasn't doing so.

But you know what? All these years later my perspective changed. 

I realize now that that wounded and sad man beaten down by such an assault has been replaced by someone who would never allow such crap ever again.

No woman is worth it. I should have booted her out at the first sign of disloyalty.

All the marriage counseling, self-help books, none of it mattered. Certainly not to her who ignored all of it and gaslit constantly. And me? I could not bring myself to admit that it was over and unhealthy for me to stay attempting to fix things. It took a very long time for me to figure that out. 

My own neediness, my desire to have the illusion of the white-picket-fence marriage at all cost, prevented me from accepting the truth and living through the fallout of exposing my ex as a ***** and divorcing her.

But you know what? I survived it.

I'm in a much better place for having done so.

You can be as well.


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## rockon

aine said:


> FFS she moved in with another guy, it is OVER.


Why can't I like this more than once?


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## dale1657

Desperate people do stupid things, see it in my field all the time. It was my turn now. She coming Sunday to get her things and peace out. Sometimes things dont go as planned buy everyone is right, I had my panties on and now have put my big boy drawers on.


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## anchorwatch

After she leaves, toss out everything that was her's and reminds you of her. Purge yourself, your surroundings and start anew. Paint the house, get new furnishings... relocate if allows you to move on. Do this for Dale...


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## dale1657

This is embarrassing to admit but what really sent me over the edge is I went to my desktop yesterday. I used it once to try to login her facebook a long time ago but she didn't save PW. My phone wasnt working right and so I needed to order flea pills for dogs and what you know, amazon was still up on desktop. She has been ordering sex toys and all kinds of weird stuff. That was the nail in the coffin.


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## EleGirl

dale1657 said:


> This is embarrassing to admit but what really sent me over the edge is I went to my desktop yesterday. I used it once to try to login her facebook a long time ago but she didn't save PW. My phone wasnt working right and so I needed to order flea pills for dogs and what you know, amazon was still up on desktop. She has been ordering sex toys and all kinds of weird stuff. That was the nail in the coffin.


What do you mean when you say "That was the nail in the coffin."? Do you mean you are now divorcing her? Is reconciliation out of the picture?


Perhaps you should either change the password and registration email on that Amazon account, or open a new one for yourself.


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## AtMyEnd

dale1657 said:


> This is embarrassing to admit but what really sent me over the edge is I went to my desktop yesterday. I used it once to try to login her facebook a long time ago but she didn't save PW. My phone wasnt working right and so I needed to order flea pills for dogs and what you know, amazon was still up on desktop. She has been ordering sex toys and all kinds of weird stuff. That was the nail in the coffin.


I know it hurts but look at it this way, all this could've happened 10-15 years into your marriage after you built a life and a million great memories together. Read the article "No More Mr. Nice Guy", it will help you to work on yourself and make you a stronger person for the next relationship.


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## Hope1964

Stay strong, and have a plan for when she comes crawling back. Because they often do.


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## dale1657

I think recon should be out the picture. I never say never but one spouse living the good life while the other has hit rock bottom is enough, esp after 8 months. I have to do this for me. I talked to her saying how crazy this is and she says nothing and gets mad. She said shes filing for the divorce so I said be my guest, hope your lover is what you always dreamed of. Sick and damned tired of feeling this way.

Plus this guy always liked her, I seen him before but didn't care based off his appearance. He was always a snake in the grass, but once my wife needed a shoulder to cry on she called him. Rest is history. At this point, they are way to infatuated for me to get in between.

Im being naive and looking for a secret trick to make it work, just acting desperate. We all know where desperation leads.


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## dale1657

Im a pretty likable guy and have a descent bit of friends but when she moved out, I stayed home all the time just waiting for her to arrive. I thought she was sad so I was trying to be there for her. Meanwhile the whole time, shes in Colorado sno skiing, going new Orleans every weekend, buying sex toys (We generally had great sex or so I thought and never used that). I was sad and sat at home making excuses of why I couldnt see my friends this whole time. Some friends know now and I have been golfing alot, music events, etc. So its getting better.


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## Evinrude58

dale1657 said:


> Im a pretty likable guy and have a descent bit of friends but when she moved out, I stayed home all the time just waiting for her to arrive. I thought she was sad so I was trying to be there for her. Meanwhile the whole time, shes in Colorado sno skiing, going new Orleans every weekend,* buying sex toys* (We generally had great sex or so I thought and never used that). I was sad and sat at home making excuses of why I couldnt see my friends this whole time. Some friends know now and I have been golfing alot, music events, etc. So its getting better.


If I were your best friend observing what she's doing to you, I would do what my best friend did to me: Demanded that I divorce my cheating wife and stop being a whiny wuss and man up. I did. You have to also. 
THis woman you're married to does not have the only vagina in the world, she is obviously not the nicest person, and has low morals. Just how in the heck would you not be better off divorcing her? Don't let her file. YOU file, and put on the papers that the reason is adultery and specify the name of the OM.

You can be happy again, and you WON'T miss her eventually. AND you can find a much better woman that you'll love 10x more than this one. Don't let this cheating wretch do this to you. If you know she's buying sex toys, she's even flaunting this **** in front of you. OMG I'd be so done with her.


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## dale1657

Shes not flaunting it in front me. Her account pw was still saved from the last time she used it which was October. I always use my phone, rarely use desktop except while at work. Thats why Im seeing it now. 

She actually doesnt flaunt anything in front of me. She just has a secret life who filters everything on social media and friends. Shes been lying to her own friends so she know its wrong, she just aint ready for backlash.


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## She'sStillGotIt

dale1657 said:


> I have made several posts on other sections on here. Most answers came back to divorce her, which I have every right to and cant disagree. However, I do want to exhaust every opportunity. Heres a brief version:
> 
> My wife and I are 30 years old. Together for 7 and married for 1.5. We began having problems about midway through our relationship, just general communication issues, lack of affection, etc (Mostly on my end). We were always madly in love though, so I thought. In September 2016 she began leaving for weekends at a time and wanted space. Came home in October 2016 and she was gone, I mean everything except bed, couch, tv, and some cups and silverware. Received an email later that night that she wants to get my attention, that she wants me to realize her worth. She would never tell me where she lives so I found that strange. She began acting strange. We seen each other maybe once a week. Fast forward March 2017, find out she moved in with a guy who always liked her. They have been together since she left. Shes mad and says her affair is my fault. We still talk everyday and she says she loves me, not in love deal. She does not know if she wants to be with me anymore. She cant choose between me and him. I, her husband, am now the side piece. I really want to make this work but have lost hope and self respect. Anyone on here gone through this and came out with a happy ending? And how did you do it?
> 
> I know this looks grim, not expecting a good outcome.


Where is your *PRIDE*? I'm actually embarrassed FOR you.

Jesus, the woman moves OUT on you while you're not home, like a sneaky common thief. Then she plays head games with you about 'recognizing her worth' after she's proven how low down the food chain she already IS. You engage in her bullcrap even though you've already been completely *disrespected* by her low-rent moving out without your knowledge. I'm willing to bet you've continually begged her to love you and promised her the moon and swore you'd be 'better' if she'd only come home and blah blah blah since the day she pulled this sleazy move.

And she's continued jerking your chain while you gratefully accept any pathetic attention you get from her.

Now you find out she's even LOWER down the food chain than she'd originally appeared - and had actually moved in with the creep she'd been spending weekends with while still married to you.

Does you pride *FINALLY* make an appearance and you dump her when you learn this heinous new information?

Nope. You just ask for ways to improve the degrading and humiliating "Pick Me" dance you've been feverishly dancing for FAR too long.


> Im being naive and looking for a secret trick to make it work, just acting desperate. We all know where desperation leads.


I couldn't have said it better myself.

Stop disrespecting yourself. Ugh.


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## sputniksweettart

It's frustrating to see someone hell bent on gripping onto bitterness and past mistakes, but some people won't participate in their own rescue. 

It's also difficult to see the error of your ways but not get the chance to demonstrate it, but if someone can't realize everyone messes up and forgive you if you're truly contrite, then their narcissistic mind would ruin your soul all over again even if you reconciled before she sought her own process to rebuild into a healthier state. 

I'm in a position where I'm the one devastated by this divorce, and so I've made major adjustments over the recent half-year because I haven't been able to hide from my shortcomings any longer. I truly believe I will come out a far better person, but because she's in the driver's seat she won't learn a single thing from any of this, and I know once I get some consistent space and accept she's just a flawed person like myself and not my misty one-of-a-kind soulmate then her problem behaviors are going to be absolutely repulsive to me.


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## Lostme

Plan B is all you are.


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## Evinrude58

This is an old, dead thread. But I'm glad it's been boosted. It should be standard reading for betrayed spouses like I once was who come here looking for a silver bullet to kill reality, when what they need is a hypodermic injection of extra strength IDGAF so they can move on.

What I never realized, because all my past friends and family ALWAYS and still do love me, is that for some people (apparently a lot) love is just something useful for the moment and once the rush is gone, they're out. Real live that lasts and stays and never goes away--- they aren't able to feel it.

I will always be thankful that my ex wife was one of the few I've experienced this with. Just makes me appreciate the people that truly love me that much more.

For betrayed spouses that come here looking for help: 
The help can only be found within. You have to dig deep and do what you know in your heart is right, which is to put a person that no longer loves you, and emotionally murders your soul, out of your life. Show them who YOU are. Yes, you'll have to rebuild your life. But at least you'll be rebuilding it with a person that is not a foundation proven to be of sinking sand.

I hope the OP is better now and is able to see that his love for his wife wasn't the weakness, it was a personal strength. But it was used against him. He now probably knows like all of us, that the stength to let them go and move on is something that only comes by some hard, heavy soul lifting. And the soreness of heart that comes with earning this new strength is difficult, but not impossible to endure.

This wife of the OP isn't a rare beast, she's one of the many in the herd. Good luck to everyone finding a good person to remarry.


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