# Is being silent being complicit?



## Miss Honey (Sep 26, 2014)

I've just watched this Jackson Katz: Violence against womenâ€”it's a men's issue | Talk Video | TED.com which is an interesting talk about empowering men to tackle the issue of male violence, and generally change the culture of gender violence. One of the biggest statements he made was that:

"Your silence is a form of consent. Of complicity."

This really struck me, because I was actually on here just now looking for advice, because I just left a social setting where a complete stranger started abusing me in front of my husband and my BIL simply because I had an opinion too, calling me a "fat sl*t, stupid wh*re etc" and my husband didn't say ANYTHING (my BIL ended up telling the guy to can it and go away".) But I know when I bring it up with husband tonight he's just going to say "I figured you can handle yourself". But his silence has made me feel sick, and I can't help to think a little less of him now. 

Can anyone share their opinions or experiences with "complicit silence". Why is it so hard to have a voice? Why would someone NOT speak up?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did this go on?


What that guy did is very aggressive. I do think that your husband should have told the guy to back off. I would be very upset if my husband witnessed a guy going after me like that and he did nothing.


So how's your marriage. This sounds like it could be a symptom of some bigger problem.
.


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## Miss Honey (Sep 26, 2014)

About 15 minutes before I posted this thread >_< My marriage is okay, we've been going through some really massive changes the last 12 months so it's a little banged up but we're committed and working it through. Which is where this thread came from I guess, I've actually never had such a venomous tirade launched at me like that and I was really upset before but before redirecting and blowing my stack at the H, I came upstairs, did some looking into how he might have experienced it and put out a quick lifeline to TAM and calmed down.

I picked a good time this evening after he had finished the gaming session and asked him to watch the video for his thoughts on the matter then used it as a gateway to bring up the previous incident, telling him how much it had upset me and that he really has to stand up for me straight away when that kind of stuff happens. He was really embarrassed, ashamed and sorry and then we had a pretty interesting conversation into the culture of silence regarding men. 

So i think it's worked out, and I trust him to do better second time round. 

I guess I'm finding the Gender Wars issue really tough but fascinating at the moment, but I really feel like the only way I can get any peace of mind over it is trying to find then listen and understand the male perspective.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I can't imagine reacting how your H did in that situation but some men maybe need to be taught about taking a stand or protecting their mate.

Sounds like you handled it well and communicated with your H.

Has he had problems standing up for you in the past?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Some men aren't confrontational

He might have been in shock with how to deal with things.

Let's be fair: media has punished men who 'muscle around' in film and sitcoms, telling them it is the wrong thing to do. Women on film stridently telling her 'overly protective' BF or Hubby 'I can handle this!'

So there is a mixed message thing. 

Cut him some slack. But I would communicate the hurt.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Miss Honey
The correct reaction to this sort of thing can depend on the situation. Sometimes its best to ignore a rude drunken person rather than escalate into violence, sometimes it isn't.


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