# Husband says he had so much sex with OW to try to get over me



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My Husband revealed more about his affair ( he doesn't view as an affair) this affair happened during our seperation. He admitted to having sex 4-5 times with protection and that it was OWs idea to start using no condoms. From what I gather the affair was from sometimes after about 9/27 to 11/02ish . My husband is not a high sex drive man, but from what I gather had sex at least once per week with her. He said he did it cause he was trying to get over me. I do rembwr him saying to me in person that he just could not get over 12 years with me. 

What's also weird for him is that he dislikes heavy set women and he admitted she was a bit chunky. I did see pictures of her when she was on his FB page and she did seem very chunky and not too great looking in random pictures. 

Because of the recent talk about her, I'm feeling like the affair just happened again. I admit I asked, but after he had brought up things about our seperation. When ever he brings up anything about our seperation I think of the *****!! 

It's hard knowing that she is living in this same city.

He did tell me things that are a bit comforting. She never rode in his car, they met at all the restaurants. I don't know anything about the restaurants except that she liked hole in the wall places. They went to outback once, but she told me they went weekly. I'm believing him more than her since she discredited her self in many ways and very very far out. Like that her Husband was gay. My Husband said her husband cheated with a flight attendant, he's a pilot. She also said she text my husband on accident on valentines day because her x Husband has the same name as my husband and that she sent that sane text " hi how's life treating you?" to 5 other people. She said many other things that were totally off the wall too!!

So I'm trying to believe what my husband has told me.

He now says I know everything, I'm sure I don't know everything, but I think what's he's told me now are not half truthed like it was. He first told me "he only had sex with her once" that was a very far out lie!! He must have had sex at least 10 times with her!!!

I'm having a hard time that my husband is a low sex drive man. True we are in a great deal of stress, but so was he then too!!!
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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I also would not possibly veiw it as an affair...depends on the circumstances. Was the "seperation" a "don't ever talk to me again, we're through" type of thing (in other words a break up and subsequent reconcilliation), or were there ground rules laid down before hand (i.e. this is a trial separation to see if we can gain some appreciation for each other, but we agree we are still together and there is to be no cheating"). That really makes a big difference. If you promised each other before the seperation there would be no infidelity, then yes, I believe in that instance it's cheating.

If it was a break up and reconcilliation, I think you need to put this whole thing out of your mind as much as you can. The fact you said he said he was "trying to get over me" makes me think it was a split. 

I'm sorry to say, but a split is a split. I imagine he, like possibly you, thought it was over, and he was trying to move on with his life. It may be proper to wait until a divorce is final, but when you're aching inside or feeling anger, resentment, etc., waiting a year for a divorce to be final can seem like eternity.

It may not be right, but, try to keep it in perspective, and maybe that will help you get through this tough time. 

If your agreement was to stay faithful during this seperation, then all bets are off, he cheated, and he needs to be held accountable and acknowledge his wrongdoing.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

It was a break up type thing with reconsilstion. His OW then came after me and he has no remorse of hatefulness to her for all she has done. He told her it was over and then she claimed she might be pregnant. Then after he moved back in (new years) she text him on valentines day.

I do really wish he would say he's very upset with her over what she did to me and how she revealed herself to me. 

I also wish he would say that he's sorry for hurting me. I've already said several times I'm sorry, but he keeps throwing it in my face. He talks about the seperation in some way Everytime we are away together
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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> It was a break up type thing with reconsilstion. His OW then came after me and he has no remorse of hatefulness to her for all she has done. He told her it was over and then she claimed she might be pregnant. Then after he moved back in (new years) she text him on valentines day.
> 
> I do really wish he would say he's very upset with her over what she did to me and how she revealed herself to me.
> 
> ...


Well, there you go. She (the OW) is following a script that is so common it's pathetic. He told her it was over and she claimed pregnancy. When that didn't work, she outted the whole mess to you hoping you'd leave him.

You had a split. What each of you did during that time should have little impact on your reconcilliation.

Look at it this way....you split, but he ultimately is chosing you over her. And a wise choice it seems because she is a manipulative little bi*ch that doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants. I absolutely abhor women who use children as pawns, be they real or made up. 

You and your husband split up. He has come back to you. YOU! If he has been faithful outside of this split and seperation, you need to get past this somehow. Easier said than done, I know, I've been there, but in practical terms he did not cheat on you. AND he chose you when he had other "options". 

I believe you'd be okay talking to him about this, but unless you're snooping, it appears he is telling you of her contacting him? If that's the case, then good for him and you that he is being so transparent about this and keeping you informed. BUT, he should send her a NC letter, and never respond to whatever she may send.

Try to get past it, and start a new, better life, full of a new sense of mutual appreciation, with your returning husband...who has chosen YOU!



> I also wish he would say that he's sorry for hurting me. I've already said several times I'm sorry, but he keeps throwing it in my face. He talks about the seperation in some way Everytime we are away together


How did he hurt you? Over this thing with this woman while you were split? If so, you know my thoughts on that, you just need to put it behind you both. If it's something else, then what is it? Hard to know what advice to give without knowing why you feel hurt.

What are you sorry for? Did you cheat? Or are you just sorry for the actions or inactions leading to the split (everyday relationship issues)?

Assuming there is / was nothing else going on before you split, DO NOT ruin what could be a great reconcilliation over jealousy about someone that he met after you split, who he stopped seeing before you reconciled, and who obviously means squat to him.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> Assuming there is / was nothing else going on before you split, DO NOT ruin what could be a great reconcilliation over jealousy about someone that he met after you split, who he stopped seeing before you reconciled, and who obviously means squat to him.


To add to this, I know it's hard, but look at the positive side of this...you split up. He dipped his toe into the "chick pool", and found out it was cold, and not only that, he got nipped by a shark. If he was lacking appreciation for you, I'm betting that experience will give him a newfound, deeper appreciation for you.

If you're satisfied this thing with this other manipulative "hoe" is in fact over, then move on from it for your sake and the sake of your marriage.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

First I want to say thanks for your advice from a mans perspective.

What I'm hurt about is that way before seperation he always had an excuse to not have sex with me. We would go 3 months without sex because he said his hernia hurt. I want the passion and frequency he did it with her to be with me. He's back to sex not being important.

What I did: I distanced my self from him because he was always angry and ignoring me, playing his video games when he was home. He complained about everything I cooked until I didn't want to cook anymore. Another man on FB 1400 miles away from me started giving me compliments and it turned into a short EA shortly before seperation. We seperated because of my husbands anger, I got restraining order, but then took it off once we started talking. I didn't find out about her until he came to get paperwork for divorce when shortly before he was wanting our marriage. He was still talking to her "as friends" while he was talking to me snd seeing me
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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Was the EA the cause (his complacency in your relationship not excepted) for the split? If so, that makes some sense. He feels cheated on. And he's having a hard time getting past it.

I don't see too much wrong there, on either side, except the fact he does not seem to appreciate you. This, in a way, allowed you (not caused, but allowed) to entertain an EA. I would hope he sees that you felt a certain way (unappreciated) and would make strides towards not letting you feel so in the future. But, if the EA was a cause of the split, this could be hard for a while. If he is committed to reconcilliation however, he (just as you) must get past this and work towards a new "you" (as in both of you). If both of you cannot do that, then your marriage is doomed. But, you will have to give it some time. If either of you continues to latch onto the pre-split and during split negatives, you may not have a great chance of making this work.

Both of you, let it go, and start anew.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks for your view, it's greatly appreciated!! His secret anger and resentment for me is what caused him to ignore me before seperation. Looking back he felt ignored too. I had a home business and 3 kids who all took a lot of my time. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but I felt I couldn't slow down with all the work and if I did I'd fall so behind and not be able to catch up. So during the seperation I sold all my business stock and totally changed. He was not happy about that and still is not. The business was dig breeding and he wanted to keep 1 or 2 of the dogs. I sold them without his knowledge during the tube he was asking about them. At that same time he had requested at court that I was not to sell or give away anything and I was not to use any support money to feed, care and vet the dogs. So I sold them and placed them in homes very fast. He's still very bitter about this change and he won't let it go.

He's also still very bitter for what my dad did. His anger is so bad about it that even though I agree that he should be angry, it's pushing me away and hurting me because I feel that my dads comments snd actions were part of the reason my husband got involved with OW. My husband had asked my dad during court if he could do supervised visits so he could see the kids more often once a week. The judge made sure my dad was ok with this. After only 2 visits my dad took his name of the supervised visits. That last visit he also told my Husband that he had the power to take the kids and me away and my husband would never see us again. 

I wish my husband could let go of some of this anger and I don't mean he should think at all that my dad was justified. Just by holding onto the anger he seems to hold onto the seperation time.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Also right now we are moving out of our home (foreclosing with our bankrupcy). My Husbsnd is going to for sure go work in another state, but he doesn't know which state and he doesn't know if he wants to take his family with him. He would rather travel by himself and stay in an extend a stay and rent a house for us in our state where his parents are very very overbearing and he HATEs my parents. He tells me everyday if my parents die he will not go to thier funeral and I'd he did he'd piss on thier grave
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband would always be working in another state and never be back working in this our home state. His parents do not want the kids moved. He says having his family where he's working is too much of a distraction snd he has to make a name for himself and not **** up. I know I can't deal with being apart for 2 years or more. He's already done it in the past where he was gone for 9 1/2 months and he visited back home twice during that time. 

If he leaves us home, I know we will grow apart. Another thing that pisses me off about him with OW is that I pretty much know he had suggestive phone sex talk with her before he actually met her. When my husband was first traveling without us, I tried to get him to have phone sex with me and he says he just didn't do that, he later got a huge computer virus from looking at porn. 

Also when he did move back in after seperation, he made many comments regarding changing what my body looked like. He said I needed to put on a few points and I really need a boob job. I'm 95 lbs and in my early 30s and I can't gain any weight at all. Then I just learned that OW was a bit chunky. I've always been unhappy with my breast size and since I'm finished having kids it left them smaller than before. I seriously can't fill an A cup, so I wanted to get a boob job even if my Husband was happy with what I have. 


So with all that: that's why I'm having a hard time letting it all go. He would say I'm crazy and being immature for crying about it all. He would say that I should know he's joking and not serious or that he was really agreeing with me. 

Right now he's also on unemployment and because the money goes on a card I have no access to any money. I have to have him with me to buy anything. Before we move out of state I want to get a restraining order off of me that he put there in 2001 because I had post partum depression. The restraining order is against me for my oldest daughter, but she has been in my care since she was 14 months old. In order for me to remove restraining order myself I have to get a back ground check done on me, but he won't give me the money for it. I don't even have the case number since all our paperwork is now packed, so I'll have to go to the police station and ask if there is a restraining order places on me in 2001 and have them give me the case number
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I am trying to let the past be the past. It's hard to get past the visions though. I think it would be much easier to get past it once we are moved. It's a very very rough time in our life right now. He does say that he can't wait to start a new life with me and I can't wait either. He's afraid of failure though, that's why he says he doesn't want to take us with him. He's afraid he won't be able to get the job he wants because our credit is too bad. We have not filed the bankrupcy yet, but lawyer is just waiting on our word. I can't reassure my husband at all. He's got everyone in the union wanting him to work for them, yet he's afraid because of credit he can't work. It is possible he could get denied, but more possible if he was not known or respected. He thinks he's not respected just because many union guys do not like him. I've told him they are jealous of the skills and respect he has. His co workers have even told him that. 

I know we have a good chance of making it if we can only get past this part of our life without everything crumbling around us!!!
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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your husband must think you're really gullible blue. That's perhaps the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard, especially coming from a guy.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Complexity said:


> Your husband must think you're really gullible blue. That's perhaps the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard, especially coming from a guy.


Really? How? Please explain what part he thinks I might be gullible?

He first told me half truths and now says I know everything there is to know
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

He did seem honest when he was answering my questions. I've never gotten the comment from him before that he was with her because he was trying to get over me. I do know at the same time he was her, he was emailing me more than what he was supposed too. It was all hateful emails though and I was hateful too. I wish at the time i had emailed him back nicely, ignoring his hate and telling him I did still love him. There was a time he stopped emailing me so often and at that time I was emailing him how much I did still love him. He ignored it all, never reading it, but giving it all to his attorney. I'm sure it was at that time that he was with her trying to forget me. 

When he did start talking to me trough text and then in person, he told me in person that he just could not forget 12 years. 

I do think he's telling me the truth now
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

His comparing my body to someone else's has seemed to stop, so I guess that's good. It did seem since he got to put his toes in the chick pool so to speak he got to see what he wishes I had more of
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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Really? How? Please explain what part he thinks I might be gullible?
> 
> He first told me half truths and now says I know everything there is to know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You honestly believe guys "try to forget" about their partners by sleeping with people they don't find attractive?

How does that even make sense?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Complexity said:


> You honestly believe guys "try to forget" about their partners by sleeping with people they don't find attractive?
> 
> How does that even make sense?


He did say in the earlier time of my discovery of her "oh she was pretty"

I have seen pictures of her up close on her FB page during the time before I blocked her on my husbands friends list. She was much more chunky than me. I'm 95lbs, I'm sure to him 120lbs is a little chunky. I'm pretty sure she has way more boobs than me and all along in our relationship he's wanted me to have more.

Looks like we are going to be moving to TN and breast implants are much cheaper there. My husband tried to have me make an appt well well before seperation at a cosmetology place, but I was way to shy and didn't want to get my hopes up for something at the time I knew we could not do. Here the cost is about $10K. In TN it's half that. It's something I wanted before our seperation, so not just to make him happy
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Chivalry isn't dead, it just smells funny.


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