# Depression or bad marriage?



## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

I've struggled with depression on and off for the last 6-7 years, with varying degrees of severity, but nothing so bad as the last year or so. I would guess that mostly has to do with postpartum depression following the birth of our daughter, who's now 15 months old.

That's also about the time our marriage (or at least my feelings about it) started to deteriorate.

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years, together for 5. He's a good man, he works hard, he treats me like a princess most of the time (actually probably too much), he's a wonderful loving father... but more and more, I just find myself wondering what I saw in him; there's zero physical attraction for me, I can't stand sex (I think we've had sex once in the last two months at this point), almost everything he does lately annoys me.

But, I don't think it's all him at all... as far as sex, it grosses me out in general; I'm not attracted to anyone else, either... the whole idea of it is just unappealing to me. We certainly have some communication issues, and we've been in marriage counseling for a couple months but I don't think it's done any good so far. He seems very engaged while we're there, but he doesn't put any of the suggestions into practice and just doesn't really listen to me at all... to the point I've gotten tired of nagging him to listen and just don't really talk to him anymore unless it concerns our daughter.

He whines all the time about missing "the old me", saying "you don't give me any affection anymore," etc. I've told him it's hard because of my depression. I know he wants to support me but he goes about it all the wrong ways, usually.

My depression is horrible. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and counselor for at least 9 months, and so far nothing has helped at all. I'm on at least my 4th medication (nothing has worked at all) and counseling hasn't really helped. It's incredibly frustrating.

Sorry this is so long... there's probably a lot more to it. But really I'm just curious if anyone has any experiences like this... I can't fathom the thought of my marriage ending. I would do anything to fix it. I'm desperately hoping it's just my depression, deteriorating communication, etc., that's "turning me off" at this point, and that there's a way to get the feeling back, whether it's by alleviating my depression, our issues, or both...

It's been about a year I've felt this way... it's gotten worse in that year. I know marriages can have periods like this, but I don't know if that's a long time or not.

Looking for some hope...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Keep going to therapy, and dont give up on finding a med that works for you. A lot of people have to go through trials with A LOT of different anti depressants before they find one they can both tolerate and that will work for them!


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

Is your depression so bad you can not work or if people come over you can not put on a smile and muster through? Maybe it is and I am truly sorry for you. 

I heard a story once talking about depression and saying someone can be depressed but if someone else like their pastor or someone from the pto or whatever stops by they would be able to put on a happy face, have a nice conversation and not let the depression show and if they can do that for others they need to take certain times they do that with their family too.

That doesn't mean the depression isn't real or you don't keep finding better ways to deal with it but that you let your husband and your family have some times of the 'better you' too even if it is a real effort and can't last all the time. This could be true of a time of sexual intimacy too. Kinda 'fake it til you make it' and sometimes what you were doing just going through the motions starts to kick in with some real enthusiasm on your part. Best of luck to you!


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

Well, the depression is really bad... for a while, it was more moodiness, a consistent very blah feeling... now I'm almost incapacitated most days, crying a lot. I take care of my daughter all day, and most days it takes everything I have to get through the day. And I let her watch way too much TV because I have so little energy to do anything with her. I have zero motivation to do almost anything... when I do have "free" time, I mostly sit and stare.

But on the other hand, yes, I suppose I can "put on a happy face" for others... I am able to go to work and be "okay", but I'm so busy it's pretty distracting. I just started school, too, which I think should help... I used to be a chemistry teacher, and I got fired, and since then I've been working in a restaurant; my career failure is a big part of my depression, but I'm trying to get back into science. 

Sadly, times when I'm by myself (away from my husband) are the times I seem the "happiest", but then if I'm not pretty busy and have time to think, I still dwell too much on it all and get pretty miserable...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like depression is at the core of your marriage problems, although I think your aversion to sex will create marriage problems even if you stop feeling depressed. 

I had a friend who went to docs for depression and nothing helped her. She told me about a nutritional supplement (SAM-e) she took that helped, and I didn't think much more about it. Recently, though, I started taking it for arthritis pain, and looked into it pretty extensively before I bought it. 

It turns out that it's as good as or better than commonly used antidepressants for treating depression, and also helps manage pain. People with bipolar disorder, AIDS, and Parkinson's disease shouldn't take it without direct medical supervision, though. 

I've had a low grade depression that has clung on despite my life being better than ever before. I took just one dose of SAM-e and noticed immediate changes. I've been feeling better than I have in many years. The difference has been so big that I wrote an article about it: Sam-E is Helping My Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, and Depression

It's available at Walmart or through Amazon in my article if you're interested in learning more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're "happiest" when you're away from your husband, why do you plop your kid down in front of the TV? By everything you describe, you are barely keeping up appearances. You function at work, kind of go through the motions of parenting, and, understandably, there's really nothing left for a man.....any man. My wife has serious depression, too. She can't even work with her's. When it's really bad, sometimes for months at a time, she considers me the ultimate bad guy. Her libido has gotten so low for so long, she probably had cobwebs and dust bunnies in her uterus. When she's feeling better, I'm the sweetest thing that ever lived. Her sex drive did come back, by the way. It's the disorder and you already know it has to do with brain chemistry. Your husband has no control over that. Depression adversely affects major life functions and relationships. That's why it's called a disorder and not a blessing. It must suck hard. It breaks my heart to see my wife suffer with her's. Try to have some patience and give yourself major kudos for still maintaining employment and a marriage while suffering from this debilitating condition. Even if you aren't hitting perfectly every day, you're still in the game and the tasks you are able to perform every day would be impossible for many people who suffer from depression. Hang in there!


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## ladymalin (Mar 26, 2013)

Several things come to mind. One is that antidepressants often have side effects that often include loss of libido, so that could be affecting your sex life just as much as the depression. But you also said your husband doesn't listen to you. That is a problem that you might want to deal with. It does not necessarily mean you have a bad marriage, just that there is an area that needs work. 
Also, you mentioned you have a 15 month old. Are you getting enough sleep/is he/she sleeping through the night? Sleep deprivation and interruption can contribute to depression. And having a toddler myself, I can say that the constant need for attention can wear on you as a mom if you stay at home and take no time for yourself. Not that fixing these issues will make depression go away 100 percent, but it could help a lot.


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If you're "happiest" when you're away from your husband, why do you plop your kid down in front of the TV?


Well as I started to write that, I realized it wasn't completely accurate... when I'm home with my daughter, driving to work, somewhere without much stimulation and more time to think, I'm often just as miserable as when my husband's around. And honestly it is actually nice to have him home, but unfortunately I think I like it more for having an extra hand with our daughter :-/ I suppose when I'm at work and school and very busy, I'm not able to ruminate so much and block out the depression for a bit. Although I've had some nights at work when it was all I could do not to break down, too.



> It turns out that it's as good as or better than commonly used antidepressants for treating depression, and also helps manage pain.


That is really good to know! I had forgotten about that supplement. Definitely worth a try. And I didn't realize it helps treat pain; I don't have fibromyalgia, but I do have chronic pain, mostly back and hip, which I've tried endlessly to fix with little results. That's another source of depression, I think


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## mr.toosensitive (Oct 19, 2015)

Anybody know if she ever got help/better?


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