# Hindsight thoughts



## Limbonada (Jul 9, 2011)

So someone said to me tonight "If you could sit in your parents kitchen and talk to your 15 yr. old self about this situation you're in now, would you still tell them to pick your husband when the time came?" 

Yes. I would. Yes, he hurt me (not physically of course!) and yes I did things I'm now ashamed of, how I treated him was no where near stellar, but I was looking at him the other day and yes, I would still choose him everytime. No regrets, even in the bad. Even if this ends, and that will feel like it will kill me. And it's not just because oh well without him my daughters wouldn't be here. It's everything. I still fully believe this man is my soulmate. I don't even know if I would warn my 15 year old self about how not to be or what will happen. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I have learned many things from our marriage/this relationship.

So how about you? Would you tell you to steer clear?


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Nope, I would chose mine again although I am not sure she would choose me again..At one time I felt so strongly for her that I wanted that time to never end.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

That is a really good question. I'm undecided. 
I don't know which was/is stronger; the incredible love I gave and received, or the agonizing pain I'm going through. 

I would love to reflect back on this and say I have no regrets and appreciate it for what it was, but I'm just not there yet.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I would do it all over again, just the same....minus the ending. But if this is destiny, I can live with this too.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes.
Book learning only goes so far.

My kids have trophies from dance and gymnastics.
The school they go to, the instructor works them hard, both physically to their limits and also emotionally and in a sense of discipline. Normally the trophies or medals or ribbons we have got, from road races or from participatory sports that did not have instruction (i.e. bowling) we haven't kept. We donate to Special Olympics or just don't accept so they have them for the next event for the people who really want them.

But these trophies we displayed. We all worked for them, mom included. It was a long year. We stuck to the lessons some days when it was a struggle to get there after school, etc. 

Going through a tough relationship and standing by and up for yourself, you get a trophy, of self-esteem. At some point in life it was taken away, which was why you got into that relationship (and others like it) in the first place. Once you have worked hard to go the distance for yourself, you learn your own value, and because you worked for it, and struggled for it, and literally went to the edges of the earth (or sanity) for it, it's okay to hold that trophy high. Like the Stanley Cup. Other people can admire it, as it's admirable, but it only belongs to the people who earned it. It might get battered and old and dusty, people could even p*ss in it, but it will ALWAYS be the Stanley Cup.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Yes My Stanley Cup is battered and rusty.

I am polishing it and hammering the dents out of it.

And I will raise it one day and it will gleam and sparkle.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep  Again and again and again.

I would have had some choice words on some ex's though LOL!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would tell myself not to marry him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I would tell myself not to marry him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

The OP is written based on emotion. Looking at the same situation from a logical perspective the husband obviously is not her soul-mate otherwise there would be no divorce. Furthermore, why would you tell yourself to go through with a situation that you knew was going to carry enough pain to "feel like it will kill me"?

On the other hand, not advising yourself to do the same thing carries its own risk. You may marry someone who is worse than your current husband.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I was speaking about my own life. And I don't believe in soulmates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Limbonada (Jul 9, 2011)

Lol that_girl! Yeah, I kinda thought that too about the exs, though I still say they made me who I am today too, though I think some of it is regretful! Hehehe.

BigToe - We haven't divorced yet and are trying to see if we can work it out, but we do know there is a possibility of the big "D". Jury's still out on the final verdict and we still have a long way to go. Almost 6 months in and no end in sight yet. I would tell myself to go through extreme pain such as this because it has changed me and molded me to become a better person. As I said above, yes, he made bad choices and hurt me, but I also took him for granted, was selfish, controlling, not there for him, and didn't cherish and show my love and affection as I should have. The crazy thing is I have always been the complete opposite of the person I became with him. Of course my exs were all jerks who took and took and took and never showed affection and treated me like crap and I made them my world, so meeting him, he was me in those other relationships and I took advantage of that big time. And yes, I am very sorry I did all this and he is sorry he just took it and never shared with me how it made him feel until we got to this point. So I disagree, he is my soul mate even though we are where we are. Being soul mates doesn't mean it's perfect or that it lasts forever. We're still human. And yeah, there could always be worse, but he's not a bad guy in the first place. We just didn't do right by our marriage and each other and are learning all about that now. And as someone said above, it is earning my stanley cup and whether this experience makes me better for him or someone else in the end, it makes me better for me.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Absolutely. And without hesitation.

My wife means so much to me...always has and always will. Would I tell my younger self to carry through with the same decision I made to marry her and her alone? With 100% certainty I can say *yes*.

This relationship of ours has taken 9 years of not knowing who exactly we were as individuals. We shared everything together, a lot of times to a fault. She literally was my other half. In many cases this was beautiful, but in others somewhat of a burden b/c we couldn't grow outward enough to grow closer together. We depended on each other for so many things that we got stuck in repeating patterns that began to break down our marriage. And it falls away from there...both of our responsibility. And she decided to leave to find what was best for her.

Although our current separation has led to nearly 3 months of NC verbally, the reason I would do this all again is this: had it not have been for her doing what she did, we would have continued a downward spiral. It was her completely turning my world upside down which caused me to reevaluate my entire existence and what I wanted to become for myself. It's been over 4 months of inner reformation for me to achieve a glimpse of my true self. I'm continuing with this as each day passes, growing stronger in ways I wouldn't have thought before. I'm finally starting to realize just who I was meant to be. She can honestly take credit for bringing out the best in me.

I wouldn't caution that younger version of myself either, as the experiences and opportunities that my wife and I have shared throughout the years are too priceless to tiptoe around by knowing something may be off. I would say to live life and love her with everything I could possibly give. Only then would I know that she got the very best of my heart.

Hoping I can take that same advice into a new relationship...with her.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

This is a tough one.

I know that when I first started dating stbx, I was so thrilled someone so attractive had any interest in me I immediately jumped. I know that I had been told and believed that we would last forever. 

I know that even still, there will never be a day in that mans life where I mean even close to him what he means to me. It was never as mutual as it seemed, it was never what he played it out to be, and it ultimately wasted prime years of my life. yes, I learned a lot. I lost my belief in love, I lost my trust for people, and I lost all thought that anyone is worth the hell I put into my marriage.

I had the world in the palm of my hand at 18yrs old. I could have done anything and gone anywhere, that relationship robbed me of it. Because instead of working for me, I was working for "we" when "we" didn't even really exist past myself.

So in retrospect, I think, if I were to go back to myself and warn me I would. I'd advise myself to be more confident, more patient with things at home, and to go to school right away..no waiting and find someone who actually values who I am, instead of a co-dependent narcissistic drug addict.


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