# What is going on in her head



## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

After 15 years of marriage and two beautiful kids (8 and 10 year old) later, my WAW dropped the D-bomb last month and is set on making it happen. I never knew about this forum so I did exactly the opposite of 180 - begged, pleaded, promised everything, cried etc., but she doesn't even want to talk. She has started talking to attorney's and has been doing a lot of things in secrecy (opening credit card account, checking child custody laws etc.,). I have tried the 180 last week but it doesn't seem to make any difference in her attitude - my kids are the best thing that happened in my life and I would give anything to keep them from getting hurt. 

Here is the short version of my journey - when we first met each other at work 17 years back she was already engaged and about to be married to someone she had been with for 4 years. We fell in love and she broke the engagement and we moved to the US and got married - ours was an inter-racial marriage with different background, culture, religion, language etc., so we always had some friction in our marriage but we endured it all and have two beautiful children that we both love dearly. Unfortunately we had focused too much on the kids and neglected our relationship and when both her parents passed away in unexpected way she sort of went into a depression for a while and emotionally shutdown a few years back. For the sake of the kids and hoping that she will become better over time I kept pleading with her to stay in the marriage. She agreed but we had lost the emotional attachment - it was a loveless marriage, we had some great moments but for the most part ridden with arguments and cold shoulders but neither of us had any time or desire to be unfaithful until an OM (much younger than her) entered our lives. I noticed a strange behavior during a weekend when she kept text'ing someone and had her phone with her constantly - this was unlike her as she would seldom answer texts or have the phone with her even for a while. I felt curious and decided to check the phone activity as we had a shared plan - did notice that there was a huge spike in text messages to one particular number and confronted her - she admitted it was a guy from her work place and they were just friends and nothing more. 
Few weeks later I realized she had started spending lot more time in front of the mirror, started buying a lot of clothes/shoes etc., and instead of text messages they were using their workplace instant messenger to communicate. I managed to get the communication logs stored in our backup computer and realize that it was OM that was making flirty remarks mostly while she had been discussing work related stuff but did occasionally complain about her unhappy marriage.
I once again confronted her and she said she will minimize non work related conversations. Little did I realize that each time I confront her she just switched to a different mode (from sms to instant messenger to hand written notes to phone calls) and she started changing all her passwords, stopped backups and became a lot more secretive. 
My suspicion went into overdrive and as I had access to her icloud/find phone, I caught her lying to me about her whereabouts and when confronted she did admit that she just had casual lunch or coffee with OM but nothing to worry about. She also got very upset that I was tracking her whereabouts and I am trying to control her life and decided to disable icloud.
She also promised that OM had no interest and had already moved on to other girl so nothing to worry. Unfortunately that was not the case as one day she left her computer unlocked and I found he was still sending her flirty messages and they had been going out for lunches - this time when I confronted her she admitted she was "hanging out" with him, not sure what that really meant but she said there was no physical affair but she had started having some feelings for him. I felt betrayed as this had gone on for more than 6 months so told her either that has to stop or we have to end our marriage. She promised to completely stop interacting with him and end of the week she admitted it was really hard but she made it through. Unfortunately the following week I intercepted a message that they were meeting again and this time I got really upset and angry and threw a glass in rage and walked away from that scene. I had to travel out of town the following 3 days and the day I got back home she told me she had enough and is filing for divorce. According to her it has nothing to do with OM (she still insists she is innocent and I was the control freak that cooked up stories), she does not want to go for MC or give this a chance - she will not staying for the sake of kids but will fight for sole custody of the kids. 
I am still not sure if I had over reacted when there was nothing or if she really is having an EA (PA highly unlikely as the kids are with her most of the time) and is acting in the "fog" of infatuation. 
I am desperate to save this marriage or at least give it a serious effort through MC or other means for the sake of the kids and my own fears of the unknown. I still love her and hate to see her bitterness and coldness towards me - I have begged for her to not file the papers until after the holidays and she agreed to it but we are living in different rooms and do not have any conversations or activities together. It feels like living hell as I am not sure what is in store next month. What should I do?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sorry Bro...its a physical affair. You need to read up on the 180. Remember if they will cheat with you, they will cheaton you. Best of luck going forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Stop begging. It won't do you any good in terms of the loss of your marriage but it might give your self esteem a bit of a break.


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Fearful heart, the 180 is for you not her. You need to start being selfish and focus on you, she is focussing on herself. Seek some IC to become a better you, you deserve better than this, believe me you don't want her back, you just don't see it yet, you will soon though, trust me. Detach from her as much as possible, only contact about kids. 

She's broken now and you can't control that you can only control yourself. How's your anxiety? Eating? Crying etc? Sleeping?

What are you doing to look after yourself? 

I'm sorry you're here but this forum saved me and I'm still in the process, use this to vent and as journal, take people's advice they've all been there and all at different stages. 

Stay focussed and strong.


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

@Faithful123, I have lost more than 15 lbs in few weeks and haven't eaten or slept properly because of the constant anxiety. I have not told any one including my family or close friends about this, it is all in my head and it is hurting a lot. Can't seem to focus on work and keep getting angry with the kids over little things. I will start looking for an IC's and hopefully that will help.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Download "Married Man Sex Primer"...something like that...by Athol Kays. Start it today. I started it this weekend and it has already largely helped me understand how we went from "picture perfect" to me living in my old bedroom at my mom and dads for the past month. It will help give you clarity. You can build from there.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I know that anxiety. See a Dr. for some anxiety meds. Sleep is something you cannot live without and still function.

Your cheating wife shows no sign of remorse so the 180 is your only option to take. Any attempts by you to try and "talk" sense to your wife will just push her away and make you look needy and weak. She has already detached from you so this is easy for her.

One piece of advice it took me a while to get was whatever happens you and your kids will be just fine. Your kids will not be messed up if you get a divorce. It happens all the time. Life goes on. The pain you are in fades away.

So focus on yourself and worry less about your cheating spouse. When you see her, act cheerful, like she did you favor. One day in the future you will realize she did.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like she has eyes for the grass on the other side of the fence.
What you are about to go through is very common and there are lots of people here who can help.

You need to let your g=family in on what is happening and widen your support network.
Do it BEFORE she can get out there and start image management.

Read up on experiences here and take heart that there are people here who have gone through waht you will and came out much better for it.
Above all 180...hard.

Vent here to your hearts content, but nothing for her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you start the 180 you do for you....not to sway your WW back into the marriage. The 180 is there to help you put up a wall that will emotionally protect you from the crap your WW is doing. The 180 is meant to help emotionally distance your self so you can just let her go.

As long as the your WW is in contact with OM the marriage is toast....hell she works with OM!!!!

When you 1st busted your WW it is most likely that your WW wasn't sure if the OM felt the same as she does so she gave you some bs....it appears the OM does feel the same towards your wife as she does.

Cheaters lie, so don't believe a thing they tell you. The fact is she wasn't about to let go of one branch until the other branch was secure.

You can not compete with new love so it's time to just let her go. It just might save your marriage....there is a good chance that the new branch she has grabbed onto will break and then you can be her plan B.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you are that desperate to save this marriage then just let her go.

Until you can get your WW to second guess her choices and make her think twice in what she is about to lose she will continue. After all that begging and crying earlier your old lady figures you ain't going any were.

It's time to change your wife's way of thinking by just letting her go.

Get a lawyer have her served at work and have the confidence that shows your WW through action that you can and *will* just let her go.

One more thing....go get tested for STD's


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks all for the support and advice. @the guy, sad fact is there is no need to get tested for STD since we haven't had sex since this whole episode began and I have been sleeping in the guest bedroom all this time.


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

Just an update - I have been doing the 180 for 5 days now - I am out of town and have not made any calls but she has the kids and they are anxious that their dad has not called them. She has been repeatedly calling my phone and sending me text messages but I have been ignoring them. I am also mentally preparing myself for the divorce - it is really hard.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Can't do a complete 180 with kids. Don't stop calling your kids. Just limit your interaction with her to strictly business.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> Can't do a complete 180 with kids. Don't stop calling your kids. Just limit your interaction with her to strictly business.


This.
Schedule a time to call the kids. Speak to each one and if she tries to engage you, say you have to go.

DONT punish your kids for her actions. Besides she might see it as more justification for leaving.

Until she speaks about the children...she is a ghost.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

fearfulheart said:


> Thanks all for the support and advice. @the guy, sad fact is there is no need to get tested for STD since we haven't had sex since this whole episode began and I have been sleeping in the guest bedroom all this time.


 First of all, change bedrooms with her. Put her belongings in the guest room and tell her that the marriage bedroom is off limits to her since she started this mess and let her deal with it and if need be, put a lock on the door.

Second point. Call your kids. If she answers, just tell her to give the phone to the kids, talk to them, let them know you love them and when the conversation is over, hang up and be done with it.

I know you love your kids but the way your living, the kids know that something isn't right and the last thing you want is for your kids to feel like you abandoned them so call them and get yourself a lawyer and find out you options before you get cleaned out and hung out to dry.


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

the guy said:


> When you start the 180 you do for you....not to sway your WW back into the marriage. The 180 is there to help you put up a wall that will emotionally protect you from the crap your WW is doing. The 180 is meant to help emotionally distance your self so you can just let her go.
> 
> As long as the your WW is in contact with OM the marriage is toast....hell she works with OM!!!!
> 
> ...



You are so right - just found out that she bought a gift for OM while I am going through this living hell.


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## fearfulheart (Dec 8, 2014)

I was so wrong and most of you in this forum were totally right. I caught her kissing in the car with a VAR and as I was listening to it that was the worst moments of my life - I don't know if I will ever be able to get them out of my head again. Anyway against all the 180 rules I just could not hold my temper and confronted her and she admitted to PA and wants to go through the divorce to be with him. I have come to the realization that it is truly over and I have to move on with my life. Going to look for attorney's to prepare the paperwork and inform the kids.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

fearfulheart said:


> I was so wrong and most of you in this forum were totally right. I caught her kissing in the car with a VAR and as I was listening to it that was the worst moments of my life - I don't know if I will ever be able to get them out of my head again. Anyway against all the 180 rules I just could not hold my temper and confronted her and she admitted to PA and wants to go through the divorce to be with him. I have come to the realization that it is truly over and I have to move on with my life. Going to look for attorney's to prepare the paperwork and inform the kids.


Dude! 
NEVER listen to the VAR if you can help it. Have a friend do it and let them let you down easily. There is no need to punish yourself like that.
Doing that eats away at your wall.

Stay strong.
Seperate finances and get prepared.


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