# House guests, where to draw the line



## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

4 months ago a mutual friend of my husband and I who had been unemployed for 2 years finally landed a temp job near our home (and 2 hours from his). It was only supposed to last 1 month and he asked if it would be ok if he stayed at our place 2 nights/week. We said yes because we wanted to help him out and have an extra bed. He planned on staying with a cousin and at a hotel the other days and returning home on weekends.

Well that temp job is still dragging on and he is sticking with his routine of staying here 2x per week. He's stayed at least 30 nights now. Several months ago he gave up his own place (so is now paying no rent anywhere and making a decent salary). Although he contemplated it for a short time, he still refuses to look for a roommate or try to find a month-to-month rental. Keeps saying it just doesn't make sense.

My husband feels a little uncomfortable when he stays here and so do I. Our routine is changed. We can't get up and exercise in the morning because he's sleeping. And we go to bed early because we don't know what else to do. My husband gets up really early to go to work because he doesn't want to have to hang out with him when he gets up. It just feels awkward and after so many times it gets annoying. Its to the point that I don't think either of us can really stand the guy anymore.

Problem is he is trying hard to be a good guy and is extremely religious. But he's a complete social retard it seems. As a friend he takes and takes and takes but never gives. He never offers to buy dinner, never brings any beverages, but will always happily accept breakfast, dinner, beer, wine... whatever we offer him.

We were both floored recently when he asked if he could stay for 3 nights in a row (all weekend) WHILE we had 2 relatives in town staying at our place! This was week 3 of having assorted visiting family staying with us. Of course we're too nice to say no...

So... what's the right thing to do? Help our friend out as much as we can and deal with the relatively minor inconvenience? Are we crazy for thinking his behaviour is out of line. Some outside perspective would be great. If necessary, how would you go about remedying the situtation? Thanks!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Grow a pair of balls and tell him at the end of April, he'll have to have another place. Jeez, it's your home! You don't need to give a reason or justification, just say its gone past temporary, and you want to get back to your regular life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's worn out his welcome - right or wrong. Some people just have no sense of when they are taking advantage. 

I'd nicely tell him that he needs to make other arrangements as soon as possible and leave it at that. Then I'd follow up two, no more than three days later, and ask him about his efforts. If he hasn't put forth any effort I'd drop a deadline on him of two weeks or so - anyone can go rent an extended stay hotel room. 

Just remember to not be defensive because you are uncomfortable. There is nothing unreasonable in what you expect here so don't feel that way. Try to be pleasant, but also be firm, there's every possibility that he will try to just give lip service and continue to take advantage of you.

I also think at a minimum your H needs to do this, ideally the two of you together so he can't work you against each other.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Stop being so nice and stop offering him breakfast, dinner, beer, wine... whatever. He's clearly taking advantage of the situation and it's time for him to move on. It's your house and you need to take it back. Somehow you and your husband need to have a sit-down talk-to with him and tell him you've given him the month he asked for, along with breakfast, dinner, beer, wine... whatever....and that month is up.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
Like you say, you guys are too nice to say no.
What would be some benefits to always say yes to him? What would be some benefits to start saying no to him? Which benefits do you prefer?
If you were to take the time here for a moment, what would be the reasons why you are not able to say no, what would those reasons be?
It's clear that you want your life back, your private life back. What do you need to do then to get what you want? Starting saying no is an important option, but what else would you be willing to do?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with PBear find your spine and tell him 'nicely' but firmly that this arrangement isn't working for you anymore. Tell him he needs to be out in 2 weeks. Period end of story.

And you don't need one excuse either. Repeat after me "this isn't working for ME".


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) Stop being too nice to say 'no.' This is your home, your marriage being impacted. If he is a TRUE friend, he will not resent you for telling him to move on.

2.) You agreed to 1 month...and it's been 4. You are not being unreasonable in telling him to move on.

3.) He is rude not to offer you money in exchange for his rent/food (especially after he quit his own place and, thus, has extra money.)

4.) Do NOT ask him for money to continue staying there. He may take you up on it and THEN how will you get rid of him.

5.) Apparently you and your husband feel guilty/mean making him leave and don't know how to do it without feeling like assh*les for doing it. My solution? Appeal to his religious convictions. Whichever of you has a stronger/calmer/more forceful personality should be the one to talk to him. Explain that your marriage is starting to suffer from the lack of privacy. You both fear it is starting to effect your marriage in negative ways (this is not untrue). You don't want to put your marriage in jeopardy because it's forever (if YOU believe it's blessed by God, be sure to bring that up.) So far, nothing you've told him is a lie. 

As a religious person, he can surely understand the importance and the sanctity of marriage. Whatever religion he belongs to, messing with a marriage would be a big no-no.

Tell him, "I know you understand how important (sacred?) marriage is and hubby/wife and I are working very hard to make it strong and solid. The lack of privacy for our marriage is starting to impact our marriage negatively. We appreciate your understanding of this. Good friends are important in supporting good marriages. We are going to have to ask you to make alternate living arrangements as of (insert date here) as hubby/wife and I continue to work on our marriage. Thank you for supporting our friendship and marriage."

Then make sure you enforce it. Good luck!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Although I agree with PBear that it would be nice for them to grow a set, it just isn't possible or they would have done it already. It is very difficult for some people to be perceived as 'mean' or 'not nice' or 'rude.' It is a very difficult trait to overcome. VeryShyGirl and her husband have my sympathy.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

You can always say NO in a nice, polite (but firm) manner. That way you can be Nice and still say No. 

I guess you might be avoiding telling him to go away since you might perceive the communication to be uncomfortable and therefore avoid it in the hope that he will go away on his own. However that doesn't seem to be the case. If you prepare the exit speech you will be more comfortable communicating it to him. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. Before you talk to him revise it in your mind what you would say and it won't come out awkward. Phrase it in a diplomatic manner and think about his possible responses, and how you would counter respond. Some people are natural at it, others (including me) have to prepare such talks  You can add some soft cushion ... such as "I hope you understand..", "We are sorry we have to tell you this but we would appreciate if you could find a place..." etc.

Remember that by letting him stay in your house in this manner..... although you are being nice to him, you are not being nice to yourself  So, do not have any guilty feeling when you ask him to move out. 

Sooner you deal with this, better it would be.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Like everyone else says, you're just going to have to suck it up and tell the guy he's overstayed his welcome, or tell him you'll need to start charging him rent. Don't even take the religious part of it into consideration...though I'm sure if you needed to, you could look up something on line from the bible about taking advantage of others and use that biblical quote to your advantage. Ha ha. Here's one:
‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ 

He don't sound needy or poor to me anymore. He's just flat-out taking advantage now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the previous post. Besides the risk of him taking you up on his offer, up here at least evicting a tenant can be a long, time consuming process. And by charging him rent, he then becomes a tenant as opposed to a friend crashing for a month. So don't even offer that with the hopes he'll take the hint.

I realize if it was easy for you to be a hard ass, you wouldn't be asking this question. But until one of you can take that role, he'll continue to take advantage of you until it no longer suits him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

"Hey friend, it's been nice having you here. We were thinking 2 more weeks will be enough. Good Luck!"


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

it's not as easy as that - my STBXH's friend was divorcing from his wife and was at our house nearly every night for 2 years (although not staying). I like him, he's a sweet guy, but it felt like H was married to him rather than me

but what do you say? he needed support and we were there to give it to him and he wasn't particularly intrusive at first. But I don't doubt for a minute it stopped us talking about the problems in our relationship

but sounds like your H feels the same way you do so it's time to stick together and take it up with him


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

you have to tell him straight up, its time to go.

We had someone stay with us until they got their ducks in a row. 

Months later we were still giving him rides to work, he was still living free, I'd come home to him unconcious half on the couch half off, we were finding garbage stuffed in our bookshelf by his computer, and the house was a wreck because he and hubs played video games non stop and did NOTHING else. He was a WoW fiend, too.

Finally it turned into we were going to have our rent raised for him staying there, and when it required money, he was out.

Not saying he didn't contribute, he cooked all our wedding food for free from scratch, and washed the dishes once, which is more than hubs did at that time, but sometimes it gets to be too much, and someone gets too comfortable, and thats when you have to draw the line very clearly, or your putting yourself out for someone you were trying to help.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

We have a 4 day rule.

Nobody stays more than 4 straight days, ever. Not friends, not family, not someone who is fighting with their spouce.

This is me and my wife's personal space, our Fortress of Solitude, it is where we share our private lives together. I don't let anyone disturb that for very long.

More than 4 days, I'll give you recomendations on local hotels.

Less than 4 days, come on in and make yourself at home!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree that being honest with him would be the way to go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Draw the line when they stop becoming a guest. It's called freeloading.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

We took in a man who lost his house and all possessions in a hurricane. No problem. We took in a man who had a heart attack. He recovered and slept with my wife. Throw him out. You don't need to worry about niceties. He's not respecting you so don't sweat it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell him your are moving out of your place by May 1 to a smaller place due to financial problems, so he will need to make new arrangements. Bring in a bunch of boxes. Do spring cleaning and fill the boxes with the stuff you don't want, garbage etc. He'll think you are packing to leave. This actually worked for a friend of mine.

Or tell him that your mother is moving in on May 1 and needs the room he's staying in.

Start leaving the news paper want ads on the bed he's using with rental ads circled. Also email him apartment rental ads from Craigslist. Put little notes on them saying "look you could be in a place of your own by next week."

Or just tell him that while you have been glad to be able to help him in his time of need, that he should now have enough money saved up to get a place of his own. So you are thinking that he could have a place by May 1 (or some date).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> We have a 4 day rule.
> 
> Nobody stays more than 4 straight days, ever. Not friends, not family, not someone who is fighting with their spouce.
> 
> ...


Athol did a whole deal on his three day rule for guests. 

All things consider I think the idea of setting a boundary like this is wise for number of reasons.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Have your husband politely but firmly tell him that you've enjoyed his company but now you think it's best for him to move on.

Or... The devious part of me says your husband should ask him to participate in a threesome. If he's a nice religious guy, he'll bolt. If he agrees your husband throws him out.


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