# When my H makes inappropriate jokes...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H is a "speak before he thinks" type of guy. He openly admits it and we laugh sometimes aboyt his awkward foot-in-mouth moments with people.

Yesterday we were talking. I was discussing some surgery I may need to have that will more than lukely leave a scar. I asked him if it would bother him for me to have this scar.

"No. But if it did bother me, I'd just find myself another woman. "(Deadpan.)

I *know* he was joking. But I felt the tears spring to my eyes. He had an EA a few months ago and it really rocked us. He had that fog, was confused and it still kills me to think about it.

I told him I wish he wouldn't make jokes like that. Said I knew he was joking but it isn't something funny to me what happened. He said I shouldn't get uptight about it. That I should just laugh. I said no, I can't laugh when I want to smash him in the face when he says stuff like that. He went a little sober then (I wouldn't do that by the way.)

Guys. Please tell me I am not being super-sensitive and it is actually OK for him to make jokes about leaving me for someone else when that's exactly what he did think about doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, he has two reasons for that...

A) He's just insensitive, and you have to express that to him
B) He knows it's inappropriate, yet he does it anyway just for kicks and to see your reaction.

I'm B when it comes to my wife. Drives her to extensive lengths of frustration at times! But that joke itself that you mentioned, looking for someone else, well that's a little too far. There still must be line with humor.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Oh yeah he knows. I have had this very same conversation with him before a handful of times. He consistently says he does not think before he speaks and not to take him seriously. Before the EA it would have just been a silly comment and I'd have given back as good as I got.

Now it is endowed with a meaning to me that I don't want to remember it has. I don't think a joke like that will ever be funny to me.

Oh and in MC we have discussed his propensity to speak before he thinks. MAJOR flaw that made things 10 times worse with the OW. He does check himself sometimes I have noticed. Unfortunately not enough...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I do the same thing but I haven't had an affair. He's being him and trying to get comfortable like before the EA. I doubt he'll ever get to the point where he'll be able to be himself AND completely control those types of jokes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

He just has to learn how to restrict himself into guidelines for humor, so the humor will always only have a positive or if not, at least a "ticklish" response. This comes in time however and is a social skill. But it seems he refuses to acknowledge his flaws in this.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> He consistently says he does not think before he speaks and not to take him seriously. _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was incredibly insensitive and its not your place to have to make a judgement call about how to take his jokes. He just needs to learn to control his mouth, in my opinion.

On second thought ... why not take him at his word? Tell him that you'll quit taking him seriously. 100%. Especially when it comes to cooking enough for him on your nights to cook. Or picking him up if he needs you to. Buying what he needs when you shop. Or paying his part of the cell phone bill.

Seriously, I'm sorry for your pain from his insensitive comments - in forgiving him for the EA, the least he could do is not throw it in your face and expect you to laugh about it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Walkingwounded... your one vice, is that you're too nice.
Good song for you:
The Offspring - Want You Bad - YouTube


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Does he do it to his boss at work, the cop who pulls him over for speeding etc?

It is certainly done ON PURPOSE by him.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Does he do it to his boss at work, the cop who pulls him over for speeding etc?
> 
> It is certainly done ON PURPOSE by him.


I've done it to both. And its done on purpose of course. You don't accidently say a joke, you do it because you want a response. His issue is he is trying to get back to the way things were before the affair but he needs to understand it will never be that way again.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Oh yeah he knows. I have had this very same conversation with him before a handful of times. He consistently says he does not think before he speaks and not to take him seriously. Before the EA it would have just been a silly comment and I'd have given back as good as I got.

Now it is endowed with a meaning to me that I don't want to remember it has. I don't think a joke like that will ever be funny to me.

Oh and in MC we have discussed his propensity to speak before he thinks. MAJOR flaw that made things 10 times worse with the OW. He does check himself sometimes I have noticed. Unfortunately not enough...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

I don't get how people cannot take responsibilty for their actions. If he says something and you don't like it or react negatively, its YOUR fault? That's BS. My wife has tried that with me . . ."well, that's what I said, but it's not what I meant." 

I don't really care what you meant, all I know is how I react to it. If your H really can't control what he says, this could be a sign of a real mental illness of some sort. The next time he says something inappropriate and simply says he speaks before he thinks, tell him he needs to get evaluated to see what's wrong with him.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

And Kobo you are right on the money. Spot on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Jayde. My H does that. If I don't react in a positive way then he says stuff like I am too sensitive. I need to harden up. 

I am also worried because he says I need to see the doctor about my mood swings. He says he has never known anyone swing so wildly from one mood to another. I said a while ago this concerned me independently of his EA and everything that went with it, and now I am worried he is using it to somehow "normalize" his behavior and make out I am the one with the problem. I don't think he is manipulative per se, I think he honestly believes it is wrong for me to be upset if he's "just joking."

I always call him on it btw. And yes RandomDude I am too nice. I have realized recently it is not doing me any favors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, he's getting away with it... tell me, have you given him a taste of his own medicine yet? Sometimes thats the only way people can start to understand.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

He lost his right to joke about it when he had the EA.

I'm the same kind of humor but when my wife tells me something hurts I work on not joking around like that going forward. One of my things I did/still-do-when-not-thinking is make jokes about her being dumb. Not like "hey you stupid idiot" but if she does something silly I will make an offhand reference to her intelligence. I realized that is something she took to heart and in counseling she mentioned she felt I thought she was stupid. So now that kind of thing is off-limits for me and if I slip up I apologize and let her know I honestly don't feel that way and it was an old habit I'm working on.

I don't have a problem joking about the affair sometimes, actually I started almost the day after D-Day, but my wife made a crack about it after I got the ball rolling and I started getting teary eyed. We made a rule that it's ok for me to make dumb jokes about the affair but not her. Also, I let her know that if my jokes ever start to bring up guilt or pain that I'll stop.

I mean everyone's going to be different and have different tolerances for certain things. The important thing is you communicate and respect eachother's feelings. Sounds like he really needs to work on that and you need to work on setting the boundary very clearly. Bringing it up on counseling will help.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Get over it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

walkingwounded said:


> .
> 
> "No. But if it did bother me, I'd just find myself another woman. "(Deadpan.)
> 
> I *know* he was joking. But I felt the tears spring to my eyes. He had an EA a few months ago and it really rocked us. He had that fog, was confused and it still kills me to think about it.


I think your husbands comment was hugely hurting , I think I would want to haul off & punch him for that -given the history there. Now I am someone who sometimes opens mouth , inserts foot - and has to apologize & humbe myself afterwards .

At the very least he should have realized how that could hurt you , noticed the look in your eyes after such words, and did something to take those words back & reassure you.

I'm all for a little joking but this was too much.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My husband does the same thing,, he generally makes jokes about how much more money he makes than I do, always makes jokes in a way to belittle me.....

guess it helps his ego.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> My husband does the same thing,, he generally makes jokes about how much more money he makes than I do, always makes jokes in a way to belittle me.....
> 
> guess it helps his ego.


I think my H has his reasons too. I think in a very perverse way (and I do not believe he realizes) he is trying to "up" his value in my eyes. At times since his EA, I have said what he feels to be some incredibly hurtful things to him.I was angry at times and lashed out verbally. Very unlike me but the words have stayed with him it seems.

I think on some subconscious level, he is trying to say get past his guilt. He wrestles with what he did and struggles to accept he *did* do it. Doesn't see himself as a cheater. And is saying to himself AND me "look. I *am* a catch. I could get someone else if I wanted." Like he's trying to convince me he *is* a good guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Locard said:


> Get over it.


I really don’t like to minimise or deny a person’s feelings but I was tempted to say the same thing about the EA.

WW how long was your H’s EA? If I recall correctly it was 4 weeks? That’s nothing WW in the scheme of a marriage and the scheme of a lifetime. There may well be many greater things you have to deal with and get over. I can’t even see that 4 weeks is actually an EA. To me it’s more of a temporary flirtation. Basically it means your H fancied someone else and someone else fancied your H. There’s nothing new in the world about that. I can tell you after being with my wife for 42 years both of us got through and over far greater things than flirtations. If you are both attractive and desirable people it more or less comes with the territory.

I would say though what happened has heightened your awareness. Maybe now you are more aware of how attractive you are and how attracted men are to you. For example in just a few weeks you’ve mentioned a trainer and now a school helper. And of course you are now aware that other women fancy your husband.

So just maybe all this has at least as much to do with what’s going through your mind as it does with what’s going through your husband’s mind. And now that you are aware and focused you have your H right there under the microscope and what you are seeing is all the bad things in him. This is what resentful and embittered partners do, it is how they behave. They stop seeing the good in their partner because the bad they see totally eclipses the good and puts it in the dark. Very much like when the sun is eclipsed by the moon and the world goes into darkness.

You said you’d forgiven your H but you so obviously haven’t. Until you do all you will see is the bad in him and you’ll likely throw the baby out with the bathwater or maybe he’ll just give up and leave you.

Bob


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I really don’t like to minimise or deny a person’s feelings but I was tempted to say the same thing about the EA.
> 
> WW how long was your H’s EA? If I recall correctly it was 4 weeks? That’s nothing WW in the scheme of a marriage and the scheme of a lifetime. There may well be many greater things you have to deal with and get over. I can’t even see that 4 weeks is actually an EA. To me it’s more of a temporary flirtation. Basically it means your H fancied someone else and someone else fancied your H. There’s nothing new in the world about that. I can tell you after being with my wife for 42 years both of us got through and over far greater things than flirtations. If you are both attractive and desirable people it more or less comes with the territory.
> 
> ...


I call it an EA. Call it what you want, to me it was a betrayal. I completely accept that people have more to deal with and I am not in any way comparing what happened to the experiences of some of the posters on here who are dealing with, say PAs, or long-term affairs. To me calling it an "EA" is a term for it. I don't call it a flirtation because to me it was more than that.

They were meeting up at work. Secret meetings at lunch. Text messaging, calling outside of work. This was all before I found out about it. I realized when I thought back that he had done a lot of lying to deliberately hide the fact he was meeting this woman. Stuff like I would call him up at work on his lunch hour, ask what he was up to, he told me stuff like "I'm working through my lunch break today" and "I'm just with Larry/Tom" and I found out after he really wasn't with either of them or working through but he'd gone to meet this woman. The guys he worked with saw what was going on.

She pushed him for more. She wanted a physical relationship and I know of a handful of times she put it out there. He eventually freaked out, told her it had to stop, and finished it. A short while later I found out what had been going on. He had tried to implement his own No Contact but failed, I found out, he continued to pledge NC and slipped up here and there.

There's bits inbetween but here we are now. However AFEH you are completely correct about me being embittered. I actually read your paragraph and it describes me right now *exactly.* I had been realizing this but you have summed it up magnificently.

I used to worship my H. I did. I was enamoured with him, our marriage, our family, our life. I loved him very deeply. I feel very conflicted because he really hurt me and now like you say all I can see is the bad. All I see a lot of the time are the things he won't do, when he lets me down. It sounds so naive but even though we weren't perfect, I thought we were unshakable. I saw a side of him I'd never seen before and I feel right now like I can't ever relax in case he uses my trust to deceive me again. We are engaged in some bizarre power struggle. I try to pretend I don't care as much as I do, and he tries to pretend nothing ever happened, that he didn't hurt me and things are like they always were. I feel so terribly insecure. It's crazy: we're married yet I crave for him to say or do *something* that shows his passion and commitment to me. "I'm here aren't I?" doesn't cut it for me.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

WW - does your husband have low self-esteem? Another poster mentioned that their H says things to belittle her to up his ego. People with low self-esteem do this. I've been noticing with my wife there are all sorts of subtle things she does that chip at my self esteem - and I think in her mind, by doing so, increases hers. Of course, the EA would be a big ego boost too - just not the kind he should have pursued.

You mention the power struggle you both have. That doesn't sound good and will only lead to a greater distance between you two.



walkingwounded said:


> I used to worship my H. I did. I was enamoured with him, our marriage, our family, our life. I loved him very deeply.


Did this change only after the EA? Just asking because if this started slipping, it may have been one reason the EA happened (if self esteem was an issue to begin with for him). (And no, I am not trying to blame you at all - just pointing out something to think about).


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

WW, you’ve been betrayed and it’s that which leads to embitterment. The betrayal is all the worse when it’s done by a person who is supposed to have your back. I’m guessing but I don’t think your H has a clue about how deeply you feel about it and what you think about it all. Most especially if you’ve told him, like you said on here a while back, that you’ve forgiven him. If that is the case then you have a very serious breakdown in communication. Mostly in that you are not speaking your mind.

I’m pretty certain that most just don’t know what bitterness and resentment feels like. At least not until they’ve experienced it for themselves. So even though you may well tell your H what it feels like for you he still wont get it, wont understand it in the way you do, it is exceedingly subjective. And in that he will not have much empathy for you (he cannot feel what you are feeling) and without empathy he cannot have compassion, although he can be sympathetic, which is what he should be.

To change from being embittered takes a lot of work. The work is mainly concerned with forgiveness, the application of wisdom and prayer. Yes, some pray that their embitterment leaves them because it is so very damaging physically as well as emotionally and psychologically.

If you both still love one another then you have a chance. Basically you have experienced an “attachment trauma” (you may like to research the term) and you’ll need specialist help to overcome and heal the trauma.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

jayde said:


> WW - does your husband have low self-esteem? Another poster mentioned that their H says things to belittle her to up his ego. People with low self-esteem do this. I've been noticing with my wife there are all sorts of subtle things she does that chip at my self esteem - and I think in her mind, by doing so, increases hers. Of course, the EA would be a big ego boost too - just not the kind he should have pursued.
> 
> You mention the power struggle you both have. That doesn't sound good and will only lead to a greater distance between you two.
> 
> ...


Yes he does have low self-esteem. He knows he does too. He has said before he can't understand why anyone (female) would like him like I do.

The power struggle = very bad. I don't know what to do about this right now.

I always prioritized my marriage. I never let things slip. I took care of how I look, did as much as I could round the house as a SAHM. Prioritized him and made sure I held up my side of our sexual relationship. He said I never did anything wrong. I think in retrospect I "gave" too much. Lost myself a little. Was too available. Too easing I guess. I never felt I lost my sassy side, I could give as good as I got which he always loved. My marriage and fsmily has been my world and I think I got so tied up in that that there was nothing else to "me."

The irony is that now since his EA I started fitness classes and do roller derby, am in the best shape ever and thrre is a lot more to "me" now than before. A more interesting person. My H likes it. He doesn't like my insecurity and feels terribly guilty for how what he did affected me.

He also feels bad like I said because he finds it hard to come to terms with his behavior. He is guilty and embarrassed and hates that I see him differently. He wants so much for me to see him as I did before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Seems a part of him has kinda given up on you seeing him the way you did before perhaps? As an employer I had this problem with some workers in the past if I don't give enough encouragement and give out too much "DAMN IT - USE YOUR COMMON SENSE! FFS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" etc etc. After a while it seems they give up trying to be appreciated at work and leave.

People do give up.
But I guess to be honest I wanted them to leave too lol


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH, I honestly thought I had forgiven him. I did. To me I am tied up right now with what he does (or doesn't) do and how it reflects on his feelings for me. I have it fixed in my brain that he should be doing 150% instead of 100% to support me in rebuilding my self-esteem. I see the lack of the 150%, see 75% or 50% sometimes and figure he does not love me or care how he hurt me if he cannot make that effort.

He says he feels that nothing he does will *ever* be good enough yet I ask him to tell me when he feels he has met a need in say, the last week, and he'll have trouble answering. By "need" I mean when I have discussed something specific. I honestly feel I am reasonable in my requests (like the "would you spend one or two evenings a week coming to bed earlier with me?) but he feels I should be happy because he is happy. He says he has so much to think about all ready : work, kids, money, hobbies : that for me to want a slice of his attention is me being demanding or high maintenance. He says he doesn't really spend time thinking about me or our marriage (such as when we can spend couple time together, what he can do to help, arranging dates or anything to do with investing in our M) because he all ready thinks about these other thibgs and is giving so much elsewhere. That by the time he has time to chill out in the evening when stuff is done, he just wants to chill. He doesn't want to be having to then start on thinking about me and what I want.

He had a short day today at work. He rides his bike to work and back and I thought as it was a pretty cold one it would be thoughtful to go pick him up and save him riding back in the cold. So off me and the littley went in the car. Sat outside work waiting for him. He came out, saw us... And scowled. Said I didn't need to come pick him up. That I didn't need to do this, it's way too much hassle, why did I bother? And in that second I saw myself as the other spouse in the many threads on here and stories I've heard. Where the other spouse wants some space. Their H or W fusses round them. Constantly needs to be shown love/sex/affection and pouts when they don't get it.

That is me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

We talked last night. I explained very basically that all this emotional heaviness was from what happened. I hadn't quite realized before. To sum up: I loved him very deeply, he behaved how he did and on a very basic level I feel he must not love me to treat me like that. My constant requests I guess are tests: if he does what I ask then he does love me. If not then I must be right and he really doesn't love me.

Sounds crazy right? I am a reasonably intelligent woman. I can function socially, I have had meaningful relationships prior to meeting my H and uphold other relationships. I guess I took it *very* personally. It's hard to think someone can take your precious trust and abuse it like that. And it's hard to see the good in someone when you are constantly wondering if they have done it once, will they do it again?

And the constant underlying mantra I hear in my head is very self-depracating. Doormat. Fool. How stupid to trust someone completely.

Oh and he told me yesterday, I am SUPER nice. He does not know anyone as nice as me. This somehow does not feel like a good thing. I just need to relax. I don't know how to do that! How do I not be so nice but not be a *****? How do you step back without looking like you don't care? I don't even feel like I can say "I love you" or show any kind of giving gesture without feeling like it's too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think these are good times for playing forfeits in a marriage. Your husband has offended and hurt you so in a way it’s only right he should be punished. You’ll punish him in some way or another anyway, so why not do it consciously and have fun at the same time? The very worse thing to happen is that you continuously persecute and punish him “for ever” for the same crime or offence.

So discuss together what the punishment is to be. For example, you want time together because that is how you understand love. He doesn’t see love that way, so for his punishment he is to spend the next three months spending more time with you. Lets say its 6 more hours more each week with you for 3 months. He can spend that time with you in anyway that he enjoys.

Once the three months is over, so is his punishment. At the end of the three months you forgive him and promise him that you’ll not persecute him anymore for his EA. And that you’ll never bring the issue up again. He’ll have “served his time” and the issue is done, dealt with and in the past.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I think the idea is cute! I don't think he'll go for it though! I may ask him later to see what he says.

I don't want to punish him. I want him to show me he loves me. I know he does. I don't want him to show me cause I'm upset, or angry, or cross, or down. I want him to show me cause he can. That would go a thousand miles to make it up. To show he's making that effort. To show I *am* his priority and not the dumb ass who does everything for him whilst he avoids making the effort I ask. That would do it for me. 

I still need to know how to not be so darn nice though!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I think the idea is cute! I don't think he'll go for it though! I may ask him later to see what he says.
> 
> I don't want to punish him. I want him to show me he loves me. I know he does. I don't want him to show me cause I'm upset, or angry, or cross, or down. I want him to show me cause he can. That would go a thousand miles to make it up. To show he's making that effort. To show I *am* his priority and not the dumb ass who does everything for him whilst he avoids making the effort I ask. That would do it for me.
> 
> ...


Read no more mr. nice guy?

The thing I noticed about a lot of women is that they'll easily articulate their needs to eachother or other people, but use woman-speak in front of their husbands.

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband has no idea what you are after, even if you think you've made it clear to him. Why not try taking that paragraph you just wrote and putting it in a letter and seeing how he responds to it?

There's this thing about women that I don't understand. I dealt with it personally and then watched my wife's friend do the same thing to her husband. She wanted him to come home early from work and make her dinner and watch the kids so she could have a night off. I said, "Have you told him this?" and she said, "Yes all the time." I know that wasn't true because I had just gone out with her husband and he had NO CLUE what she was looking for. So I said, "How did you tell him?" and she responded, "I've been dropping hints for weeks." I asked her why she didn't just outright tell him specifically what she wanted and she said something to the effect of, "He should be getting it by now."

I can promise you that guys just aren't that smart. Maybe there's a few miracle men out there that could pick up on those subtle cues, but I know I and this man and probably your husband are not those guys. We men are simple folk, we communicate in direct messages with no emotion. If I ask Bobby to get me a wrench I say, "Hey dumbass, hand me the wrench." My wife would say something like, "It would be really nice if I could tighten this bolt..." and after I stared at her oddly, complain to her friends how "he just doesn't get it..."

I would be surprised if after handing your husband that paragraph, a lightbulb didn't go off in his head and he started treating you differently. It's certainly worth a shot.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It takes a month or so to develop new habits. Our habits are our life, it’s our habits that create the life we live. So by your husband spending quality time with you every week for three months, “quality time” will become a new habit for him, a new way of life and therefore a new way of demonstrating his love for you. And in all that the forfeit is manipulative but it’s manipulation with good intent.

Of course if you don’t want his EA in the past for your own reasons then you’ll not go ahead with something like this at all. You’ll not want it “over and done with” simply so you can use it against him in the future. It’s that stuff that is so damaging to marriages, the persecution of a partner. You have been hurt. It is now your responsibility to tell your husband how you can be healed, you have to take that on for yourself.

And of course if the way you understand that you are loved, if the way you actually feel loved is by your husband spending quality time with you, then if he does not spend the three months spending quality time with you then you know that you will never actually feel loved by him. I think many couples spend their married life like that. Both loving each other but neither actually feeling loved and I think that’s very sad. And the reason for the popularity of “His Needs Her Needs”.


The choice as they say is yours. You can either tell your husband how you can be healed such that it is all over and done with. Or not tell him and leave your wound open to fester and rot away inside your marriage. If it were me and I think for most men, just tell me what you need me to do to recover from the situation and if I more or less agree I’ll go right ahead and do it knowing it’s in the past and will never raise it’s head again.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

OK I understand that AFEH. And also we discussed in MC me being direct and him listening. Not responding that I am OK when in fact I am not and I have done really well with this although it is still difficult.

My problem is that he does not listen. I articulate what I feel is a clear request, with clear explanation if necessary. Like my request for one or two evenings of him coming to bed earlier: I stated at the start " youvdo understand I do not just mean go to sleep? I am talking about having sex." I stated this over and over and told him I felt it would benefit our sex life where the frequency was dwindling. We conversated about it. Yet only the other day he swore BLIND it was the first time I'd explained I wanted to do it for sex not sleep! I quoted verbatim things that had been said. Told him to look at his text history as we'd had text discussions about it! It's embarrassing.

I like the explanation AFEH. I understand it more now. I will bring it up later. My worry is that he will go for it all guns blazing and a week later it will trail off. He does that a lot: but thereagain that is me seeing the negatives again. I will give it a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> My worry is that he will go for it all guns blazing and a week later it will trail off.


Sometimes when I read your posts it makes me wonder if your dynamics are rather similar to wifey and I, in this case, a "rollercoaster ride" up down up down, roar through screaming at the same time. But it gets too much.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Yeah I do feel sometimes like we are on a rollercoaster. We've both daid it. Things never seem even for very long. 

I was cosied up on the sofa last night. He came in and sat down next to me. And sat there all evening. It was great. I completely forgot about talking to him about the idea suggested. Just enjoyed his company, watched a favorite program together, chatted and snuggled. I kinda laughed to myself that sometimes he doesn't understand me and thinks I am complicated because at the end of the day I don't think I am. I think if he told me that what he enjoys most about our relationship are being able to do that a couple of times a week, I'd be on it like that *clicks fingers* 

I have still stepped back a little. I am not sure how it is coming across. I am not being nasty or short or petty at all. I just felt I had to stop giving so much. I feel like I was fawning all over him a lot, "how was your day? Do you want a warm drink? Sure?" "I've made you lunch for work." "There's a tea to take with you when you leave." "I made your favorite cake to take to work." I have just concentrated on doing what needs doing and being good company. 

This is cause he said something the other day. That he liked me since before we ever went out and I did not need to do stuff for him to like me. I am still confused over how I xan show affwction and not be too giving. I haven't worked it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Verbal abuse is tricky.
I had to deal with a 'hidden dagger' yesterday.
You need to be persistent in calling it out when it happens.
I went to therapy in order to deal with stopping the abuse. Many times people do not realize when they think they are 'testing the waters' or doing something they got away with before (!!!!) that OTHER PEOPLE namely the spouse they hurt, have decided they don't want to be hurt any more and that the standards have changed (for the better) in the relationship.

Here is a link that seems to have most if not all of the different forms of verbal/emotional abuse, even the more subtle variations. If it hurts, it's probably listed here. This page is tagged for advertising but it doesn't detract from its usefulness, and no it's not my ad or anything like that, just something I found that I thought was useful for me and might be for someone else who has to deal with an H who had an EA, refuses counseling, and can tend to be emotionally abusive due to self-esteem issues, etc.

Verbal & Emotional Abuse « MindBodyIntegrativeCounseling.com


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