# Wife Lying About Using Vibrator and Watching Porn



## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

I will attempt to keep this as short as possible. I have a lot of thoughts that I am trying to make sense of. This is my first post. 

My wife and I have been married 6 years. We have 2 kids. She's had a lower sex drive than I have, and its caused issues but we work through it. My wife has always claimed she does not masturbate. I do every once and a while if I need to, but its not satisfying for me and she knows that.

A year or two ago, we had gotten a few sex toys, both for male and female, with the idea of using them on each other only. We never really used hers.

A few months back, I found her vibrator had appeared to be used and moved from where I remembered it. I ask her about it, she denies. Explains she doesn't do that, and is very convincing. I keep tabs on the thing - and start getting the impression she may be using it. It gets brought up again, and again she denies.

Now the other day, I get proof that not only is she using it, but watching porn while using it. Now, porn is fine, don't care, like it myself. And I'm not really so much mad about that fact that she is using it. Im now realizing this has probably been going on our whole marriage, with her claiming to have a lower sex drive and causing so many problems for us! 

My issues are this -

The day I found out for sure she was using it, I tried to have sex with her earlier and she turned me down. I assumed it was because we were going out that night and wanted to do something then. Obviously I was wrong. So now she's chosen the toy over me. That kills me.
And also even after me asking, telling her its fine, the fact that was so easily able to lie to me about this makes me wonder if she's lying about other things too.
And the obvious - is there something wrong with me? Our sex? She has a "lower drive" but is taking care of herself pretty regularly I'm guessing now.


I don't know if I say anything. If I did would I even get an answer. I don't know what to do.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

She does not have a low sex drive. She just is not that interested in sex with you. Sorry. Maybe MMSLP?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What you don't do is to accuse her. Or handle with the, "Oh I caught you" mentality. 

Instead, approach her with: hey if you are using it great. That's sexy. When do I get to play with you. 

You don't want her to feel bad about it. We already have problems with owning our sexuality, we don't need to made to feel bad. Most women are taught that if we enjoy or like sex, then, something is wrong with us. We are not good. Women have a lot of hang up with this. 

I would be offended if my husband questions me about the V moving around or not in the right place. What are you the V police?

Just because she gets off now and then and watch some porn does not mean she is a liar. It's private and she is ashamed. Give her a break. Let her became accustom to her sexuality. 

This has nothing to do with you. There is nothing wrong, unless you are selfish lover. Some women find a sexual awakening in their 30's, this might be what is happening to her. But since, she does not feel comfortable coming on to you, she is using the V. Try to be kind, nurturing and loving. I find humor to be a great way to lead into sex. 

Let her know if she has a need for sex that you are more than happy to fulfill those needs. When you are having sex, get the V out and use it on her. Make sex fun. 

Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with NS..... she is not interested in sex with you. The question is why? 

This is an intimacy issue where for whatever reason she isn't comfortable with you. 

Have you ever had a good sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

We do have a pretty regular sex life. I assumed she was satisfied and had no desire for more- and the frequency (3ish times a week) was a compromise with our drives.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Men are told here that if their porn use and masturbation is interfering with their sex life/sexual energy for their partner that is a problem. Why is the answer different when it's a woman using porn and masturbating who is then turning down her husband?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Because for many it is always the mans fault .


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Who said it wasn't a problem? We're trying figure out what's going on. Demanding that she have more sex with him will only result in a resentful partner, which I assume isn't what he wants. 

OP, I know you say your sex is regular but i suspect she's not getting as much out if it as you think. Time for an honest discussion 

I'll share my two very different experiences with two husbands: with my first hb it was much like you describe. I'd have sex with him because he'd push for it but I got nothing out of it, so I'd take care of myself and watch a little porn. He just didn't care what I got out of it. 

With current hb I hardly ever masturbate or watch porn because I enjoy sex with him so much. .... taking care of myself is much less satisfying. 

Do you know how much you're wife enjoys it when you do have it?

Talk to her over a bottle of wine or a bubble bath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

I try very hard to please her. There are definitely times that I think she may just be going through the motions, and there are times when I know its very good for her. Typically, I associated the times she wasn't as into it that she doing it more for me.

I've talked with her many times about her pleasure from sex. She does say she is satisfied. I try foreplay, candles, massage. I do my best to make sex more about her than me, or at least as much. We're busy and I know there is always room for improvement, but if she won't open up and be honest about this I don't really know how to make it better. If she won't admit to using the vibrator, how do I take the steps to make her not want it as much. She claimed she didn't even really like it when I tried it on her. Can I find a way for us to co-exist? I feel like I'm being cheated on.

Im stuck in this situation where I feel that no matter what I do I'm doomed. If i confront her, that will end badly. I can't keep asking over and over, she's going to keep denying and probably get upset. I can't just let it go - I don't even want to touch her I'm so distraught over this, let alone have sex or try more romance.

I feel hopeless. I've never really truly questioned our marriage but this is making it hard.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

bshale said:


> We do have a pretty regular sex life. I assumed she was satisfied and had no desire for more- and the frequency (3ish times a week) was a compromise with our drives.


You have a regular sex life, so what's the problem? You can have a lower sex drive and still want to masturbate you know. 

Masturbation is about the quick release. I have a heathly sex life with my husband, but still regularly take care of myself and watch porn too. Because it's my me time. I don't have to worry about his pleasure. Just mine. I love sex with my husband and I also like getting a quick O here and there. You can enjoy both. 

Quit being insecure and creepy about it and let her enjoy.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

She's embarrassed and then you made a point of being confrontational about it - when someone is confronted about an embarrassing subject it's pretty common to lie. 

Women's bodies change. What worked when I was young doesn't work now. What I liked when I was 20 has changed now that I'm in my 40s. When I was 20 I was also quite shy and lied about those things and my exH was very "caught you" and made it feel ugly and shameful. Now that I'm older, I'm much different lover with the SOs I've had.

My guess is she isn't having orgasms as much as you think and she just wanted a quick O from time to time. Sometimes we don't want the whole dog and pony show any more than you guys do. It takes too long, we're tired, etc. 

You aren't DOOMED, geez. Don't confront her - you're right it will make her withdraw even more. Maybe she doesn't like the WAY you use the V on her and she's too shy to say anything. Does she ever give instruction? Left, right, not so hard, etc? Is she self- conscious when the lights are on? Maybe having one small light on and your asking her to show you how she likes it will get her to open up.

If you feel like you need to specifically bring it up, your best choice of words isn't to say you know she does it - just speak as if it's common knowledge and say you think it's so hot that you can barely focus on work and you want to watch or participate. You may get a little shy acquiescence that way. Has she ever seen you masturbate? Take away the secrecy and do it together.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it sounds like she has a vibrant fantasy life, and it is taking over her real world sex life. 
Time for you to try to re-center that fantasy life on YOU!
Have you tried role playing with her? Maybe you dress up like a cop, and do a traffic stop on her, and threaten her with a ticket unless she goes back to your bedroom? 
Maybe you try some kinky 50 shades of gray stuff?
But she needs more than you are providing now...try to figure out what floats her boat.


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

As i said, its not as much the act of her doing it. Its the lying about it even when I ask her, and when she's turning me down in favor of it. That is where I'm concerned. 

I don't feel I'm being insecure or creepy.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

In one of the handful of posts I made on this board, I linked a thread to an "asexuality" board. The more I read about Asexuals, the more I see these people classify themselves in different ways. It may be buried in that thread. I read posts by people who say they get more pleasure from masturbation than intercourse. It seems ridiculous to a person who prefers PIV sex but this menttality does exist. I think the term they use is graysexual or some form of that. There are different types of sexuality classified as gray.

As a man I like PIV sex but I prefer masturbation. That's most likely the only reason my LD wife and I are still together. She is LD but also doesn't want me to masturbate. I guess we have a problem.

The more I read, the more I learn that I know nothing about people and sexuality. There is a lot out there as far as preferences are concerned that the majority of people don't realize exists. Everyone thinks they are normal but if you read a little bit, you'll see there is no normal. 

Most problems can be avoided if people would admit to what they do and don't like early on and talk about it. 

As far as the lying is concerned, it's possible she prefers masturbation over PIV sex but doesn't want to admit it to you because that would be the end of your sex life as you know it. For that reason she will continue to deny it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds like she is getting enough sex from you but once in a while wants a quick release. Many men do this often. It you had said the you two haven't had sex in a month or two and she is using her toy then I could see where you would be upset. Let her have her fun and stop questioning her. She is having sex 3 times a week which isn't a low drive. Once a month is a low drive. Be grateful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's not that unusual for women to have a tough time being satisfied. Also, as Celes pointed out, masturbation can be private time with little effort.

Men are typically told that as long as they're having regular sex with the wife then some porn and masturbation is fine. Seems like you guys have regular sex. 

It's possible she doesn't know how to make actual sex more satisfying and thus can't communicate it to you. Also, she may enjoy the intimacy of sex even if she can't finish. 

Why don't you ask if you can watch once in a while, and other times let her have her private time? 

Maybe from there you can graduate to participating and she'll become more comfortable. 

What you don't want to do is "confront" her..... that will drive her away. This is a trust and comfort issue. 

How do you think a conversation along the lines of "i know you watch porn and masturbate and I demand you fvck me instead"? That's not going to get you what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bshale said:


> We do have a pretty regular sex life. I *assumed *she was satisfied and had no desire for more- and the frequency (3ish times a week) was a compromise with our drives.


I would suggest talking about it in a non-confrontational way. Have there ever been conversations about your needing more sex? You mention compromise. This can feel like pressure. Pressure is not sexy. Gents, please comment. I am thinking MMSLP would be helpful to this guy. How to be sexy instead of asking for sex. No?


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

bshale said:


> As i said, its not as much the act of her doing it. Its the lying about it even when I ask her, and when she's turning me down in favor of it. That is where I'm concerned.
> 
> I don't feel I'm being insecure or creepy.


Why does she have to talk about it with you? You're having sex 3 times a week, so what if she wants to masturbate instead of sex from time to time? There are times where I'm just way too exhausted for sex. Sex with my husband is great but always starts with a long BJ, followed by sex in multiple positions. It goes on for at least an hour, and quickies usually aren't enough to get me there. Some days I just don't have the energy for it and would rather just a quick O. 

You are being insecure in that you already have a healthy sex life and you're making her masturbation (totally normal behavior) about you. You're being creepy in that you're putting so much effort investigating her vibrator use. Dude let up. Your wife has a healthy sexual appetite. Also, maybe your wife doesn't want to talk about it because she knows you will have a problem with it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Men are told here that if their porn use and masturbation is interfering with their sex life/sexual energy for their partner that is a problem.


Because not everyone thinks this is the answer for men either, depending on the root cause of the problem. Those of us who do not are unlikely to respond that it is in this case.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bshale said:


> I try very hard to please her. There are definitely times that I think she may just be going through the motions, and there are times when I know its very good for her. Typically, I associated the times she wasn't as into it that she doing it more for me.
> 
> I've talked with her many times about her pleasure from sex. She does say she is satisfied. I try foreplay, candles, massage. I do my best to make sex more about her than me, or at least as much. We're busy and I know there is always room for improvement, but if she won't open up and be honest about this I don't really know how to make it better. If she won't admit to using the vibrator, how do I take the steps to make her not want it as much.


Well, here's the thing. If you are having sex 3x per week, why do you want her to not want it? What if she just likes her alone time? If you weren't having sex, that would be another thing.


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## bshale (Apr 8, 2016)

Celes said:


> Why does she have to talk about it with you? You're having sex 3 times a week, so what if she wants to masturbate instead of sex from time to time? There are times where I'm just way too exhausted for sex. Sex with my husband is great but always starts with a long BJ, followed by sex in multiple positions. It goes on for at least an hour, and quickies usually aren't enough to get me there. Some days I just don't have the energy for it and would rather just a quick O.
> 
> You are being insecure in that you already have a healthy sex life and you're making her masturbation (totally normal behavior) about you. You're being creepy in that you're putting so much effort investigating her vibrator use. Dude let up. Your wife has a healthy sexual appetite. Also, maybe your wife doesn't want to talk about it because she knows you will have a problem with it.



Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear in my post or just didn't mention it at all. We agreed when we got toys that we wouldn't use them on ourselves, by ourselves. Thats something i've talked to her about when I first spoke to her and she said she agreed. I'll accept if I'm creepy. It just feels like a betrayal of trust.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

bshale said:


> Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear in my post or just didn't mention it at all. We agreed when we got toys that we wouldn't use them on ourselves, by ourselves. Thats something i've talked to her about when I first spoke to her and she said she agreed. I'll accept if I'm creepy. It just feels like a betrayal of trust.


Why don't you want her to use her vibrator on herself, by herself? Sounds incredibly controlling. 

You mentioned that you also watch porn and masturbate. Why do you have a problem with her doing it?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think sex toys and porn are fine if they don't interfere with your sex life with your partner, and not OK if they do.

The OP says that his wife turns him down for sex but still uses the vibrator. If that is more than a one-time thing, then I think it is a big problem - same as if a man was masturbating to porn while not sleeping with his wife.


It is possible though that the vibrator and sex fill very different needs. If the vibrator is just a quick way to get off, maybe she sometimes wants it when she doesn't have the energy for sex. OP - have you ever offered to provide her with an orgasm whenever she wants - it might be interesting to see if she takes you up on that. (of course she might feel that she owes you in return).


Does she seem to enjoy sex? It is possible that she isn't enjoying sex (for whatever reason) and that is turning her towards masturbation instead. Is the porn typical heterosexual things, or does it focus on something specific and is that something you do together?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bshale said:


> Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear in my post or just didn't mention it at all. We agreed when we got toys that we wouldn't use them on ourselves, by ourselves.


The question remains, why? Was she fully on board with this? And could it be renegotiated if she discovered that her alone time is good for her?



> Thats something i've talked to her about when I first spoke to her and she said she agreed. I'll accept if I'm creepy. It just feels like a betrayal of trust.


No spouse is ever going to answer yes to the question "Am I being creepy"? But you are invading her privacy for what she should able to determine for herself.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

bshale said:


> I will attempt to keep this as short as possible. I have a lot of thoughts that I am trying to make sense of. This is my first post.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 6 years. We have 2 kids. She's had a lower sex drive than I have, and its caused issues but we work through it. My wife has always claimed she does not masturbate. I do every once and a while if I need to, but its not satisfying for me and she knows that.
> 
> ...


What kind of porn is she watching? Can she be exploring girl-girl action? Not trying to be rude but it is a possibility...


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