# Oh Gawd



## Myka

I've just started reading this site a few hours ago. I am desperate. I have done the stupidest thing imaginable, and now I am at a complete loss. 

I was having a stupid argument with my husband about a month and a half ago. I thought he was talking to some girl online. I demanded to see everything. He opened up to me completely. Showed me his email and everything else I asked to see. I did see a facebook exchange from two days before. There was nothing in the conversation to be upset about until the end when she said something kind of flirty. He replied back and said that her comment was inappropriate, and that there would be no further contact if it continued. She apologized and then there was nothing else.

I hadn't said anything before or even been looking before. I just got upset when I saw the new friend on his account. She looked like trouble.

Here's where I got stupid. Really stupid. I started playing an online game on m phone the week before. I confronted him. After awhile of playing I met some guy that was fun to play with. We talked. It all was so innocent. When I saw the friend request I told my online friend about it. We chatted on it for a long time. He made me feel like I really needed to look into it. Made me feel really nervous about the entire thing. This went on. I started confiding in this guy. I told him all sorts of personal things I hadn't told anyone. We exchanged numbers and he started texting me at work. 

He asked if I wanted his picture. I said yes. He sent a nude photo. I told him that wasn't what I wanted. He said sorry it won't happen again. We went on talking for a few more days like nothing had happened. I started staying up late playing with this guy. I was really enjoying the attention. He told me he had feelings for me. I said I did too. The chat started getting really flirty. I didn't stop it. After a few days we started sexting. I felt emotionally attached to him. Like I needed him. I kept asking myself what I was doing but I kept doing it.

I sent him some pictures of myself. He sent me more pictures. Things were moving really fast. I felt out of control. I stopped paying any attention to my husband. When I got home I would say I was tired and asked him to make a sandwich for dinner for himself. I then went to bed and got on the game. 

Three days ago. My phone shut off. I came home thinking I would ask my husband what was going on when I got home. When I got home the electricity was off. The water too. I went to the bedroom and saw a red box on the bed. It had a pretty bow on it and was in our bed which he made before placing the box down on it.

I was shaking. I couldn't make sense of it. I opened the box to find a stack of printed paper and my husbands wedding ring. He had found and printed out every conversation I had had with the guy. All of our texts and emails. Even emails from the email address the guy told me I should get. I couldn't believe it. There was a note too. It said "I hope you are happy together".

What do I do?

I don't want that guy. In fact I hate him now. I can't believe I've done this. How do I fix this. What do I say to my husband to make it right when I see him again? 

It's been three days. I'm a complete wreck!


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## SomedayDig

Go read the thread by the newest betrayed spouse "TornNBroken".

You might begin to understand why there's nothing you can say to your husband to ease any sort of pain he is in.


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## diwali123

Where is he?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars

Been married long?

Any kids?

Do you know where your h went?

Sounds verrrrry fishie to me.


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## Myka

Married 3 years. Together 7. No children.

I don't know where he is. His family won't talk to me. He doesn't have many friends outside of work and I don't really know them. I called his work phone but he doesn't answer.


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## weightlifter

DID you sext back?

if yes.

generically what?

sexual text fantasies?
pics?
video?

timing seems awfully fast. were you giving off red flags before this?
cheated before?


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## InlandTXMM

Wow. I would say I am sorry you are here but as a spouse whose wife went into the Emotional Affair area, I know much more how your husband feels.

It sounds very much like he's decided he's divorcing you.

My dear, what you did was CHEATING. It feels as bad as if you and the D-bag got together and had sex on your marriage bed. You destroyed his faith in you, and to make matters worse, you accused him of the very same thing you yourself were guilty of.

If you have any chance of fixing this, and I believe it is next to zero, you need to do the following immediately:

1) Cut off all contact with this man forever. Never again. A letter or email sent to him saying you were wrong to ever talk to him and he is to NEVER contact you again.

2) You must fully and completely own your mistake. It is in no way his fault. You made the conscious decision every step of the way to escalate this guy's attention. No marriage problem, no past mistake by your husband - nothing - is to blame. YOU are.

3) Tell everyone in both of your families and circle of friends what you did. Be a big girl - own up to it. Admit you went too far, engaged in an emotional affair, and your husband is blameless. Express your deep desire to them that you want to make it right with him again.

4) Give him time to cool off and then contact him. Ask him for just the opportunity to talk. Do not expect much at first, and be willing to wait for him until he decides whether to reconcile or divorce.

5) Whichever way this goes, you need professional counseling. You have boundary issues and there is something in you that feeds off the inappropriate attention from men. Your husband cannot always be there to c*ck-block for you - you have to be ready and able to shut these men down immediately and decisively. The fact that you instead chose to pursue it means there is something wrong with YOU. Seek out individual counseling, and if your husband agrees later, marriage counseling. 

I have to tell you I believe you are divorcing. His presentation to you of the facts makes me believe he's done and you have no way to fix this. If that's the case, please learn the lessons from this, realize the mistakes you made, and get the help you need to make sure you NEVER do this to the next man.


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## Jonesey

walkonmars said:


> Been married long?
> 
> Any kids?
> 
> *Do you know where your h went?
> 
> Sounds verrrrry fishie to me*.


Why does sound fishy??

Her husband was blamed/accused for thing´s that turned out her husband´s ability to have boundaries intact.

What does she do??

Cant say i blame the guy..

It´s the price she is now paying..I mean there is a price tag attached to being all and mighty also known being on your high horses...


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## Thoreau

Your stbxh is my hero.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal

What were you thinking while doing this to your husband? Like "well, he had some convo with a girl, nevermind how it ended, I had to get the score to a 1-1"?


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## Jonesey

Myka said:


> Married 3 years. Together 7. No children.
> 
> I don't know where he is. His family won't talk to me. He doesn't have many friends outside of work and I don't really know them. I called his work phone but he doesn't answer.


Just a quick question . How on earth did you find your self in this mess? Especially after confronting your husband..


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## Myka

weightlifter said:


> DID you sext back?
> 
> if yes.
> 
> generically what?
> 
> sexual text fantasies?
> pics?
> video?
> 
> timing seems awfully fast. were you giving off red flags before this?
> cheated before?


I'm embarrassed to say that I did. I let him do most of the talking. I don't know how to explain but I felt like I had to to keep him interested. I sent a close up of my privates. I sent some pictures of a revealing top. 

I was a little bored in our relationship, and I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, but there was nothing seriously wrong in our marriage. This was all me. I don't know why I did this. I know it's unforgivable, but I really hope my husband can forgive me. I said things I had no business saying to another man. I think that's what caused him to dump me like he did.


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## Myka

verpin zal said:


> What were you thinking while doing this to your husband? Like "well, he had some convo with a girl, nevermind how it ended, I had to get the score to a 1-1"?


I wasn't thinking. I am a moron and a complete fool.

He will have to talk to me again. What can I say to show him how sorry I truly am?


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> *I know it's unforgivable, but I really hope my husband can forgive me. *I said things I had no business saying to another man. I think that's what caused him to dump me like he did.



As crazy as you got about what you thought he was doing, why should you expect a different set of rules be used for you?

My God, you actually DID what you accused him of doing. AFTER you went ballistic on him for it. What were you thinking?!

Tell us the truth - is this the first time you did anything like this? Ever? Not just with him - have you had a history of needing attention from men?


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## Jonesey

Myka said:


> I'm embarrassed to say that I did. I let him do most of the talking. I don't know how to explain but I felt like I had to to keep him interested. I sent a close up of my privates. I sent some pictures of a revealing top.
> 
> I was a little bored in our relationship, and I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, but there was nothing seriously wrong in our marriage. This was all me. I don't know why I did this. I know it's unforgivable, but I really hope my husband can forgive me.* I said things I had no business saying to another man. I think that's what caused him to dump me like he did.*


That is very true.But you seem to forget the double standard here. You accuse him for thing´s that turns out not to be true.
And you end up doing what you did..Can you see where i´m going with this?? Hint ,it imply´s it is not the first time


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> I wasn't thinking. I am a moron and a complete fool.
> 
> He will have to talk to me again. What can I say to show him how sorry I truly am?


You need to understand, you just rendered anything you can say to your husband as meaningless. Why? Because of the things you said to the OM. 

If you "didn't mean" what you said to the OM, why would your husband believe a word you say now to him?


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## Myka

InlandTXMM said:


> As crazy as you got about what you thought he was doing, why should you expect a different set of rules be used for you?
> 
> My God, you actually DID what you accused him of doing. AFTER you went ballistic on him for it. What were you thinking?!
> 
> Tell us the truth - is this the first time you did anything like this? Ever? Not just with him - have you had a history of needing attention from men?


This was the first and will be the last as well. I don't know why I allowed myself to get so out of hand. I'm so completely ashamed, but I'll do anything to get my husband back.

I don't know why he would believe me. He doesn't have a good reason. I just hope he will.


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## InlandTXMM

Myka, why do you want this fixed? You say you are desperate to fix this, but what are you wanting to fix? The marriage? Your old lifestyle? 

Did he cater to you and pamper you? Somehow over time your husband lost your respect. That usually happens, ironically, when he places you on a pedestal and treats you like royalty.


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## Jonesey

Myka said:


> I wasn't thinking. I am a moron and a complete fool.
> 
> *He will have to talk to me again*. What can I say to show him how sorry I truly am?


A word of advice .Be careful with statement´s like that.
He does not have to do anything.If he is dead set on divorce.
Anything that need´s to be settled can been done throe lawyer´s


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## Jasel

I think you accusing him of doing the same thing that you yourself turned around and did is what makes this even worse.

Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Are you able to go to his work (maybe to meet in a parking lot or something?)

I'm thinking he's probably already filed for divorce or is in the process of doing so.


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## Myka

Jonesey said:


> That is very true.But you seem to forget the double standard here. You accuse him for thing´s that turns out not to be true.
> And you end up doing what you did..Can you see where i´m going with this?? Hint ,it imply´s it is not the first time


It's the first time I've done anything like this. I hope my husband doesn't see it the way you do. I've never done anything like this before. I don't even know why I did it now.


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> This was the first and will be the last as well. I don't know why I allowed myself to get so out of hand. I'm so completely ashamed, but I'll do anything to get my husband back.
> 
> I don't know why he would believe me. He doesn't have a good reason. I just hope he will.


I'm always amazed how often people are willing to do ANYTHING to win BACK a spouse they just tossed out like yesterday's newspaper.

How about doing anything to KEEP the spouse you have?

But I digress.

YOU are now powerless. Reconciliation, if any, will now be entirely on your husband's terms. Again, that's if he even wants to.

Your husband, like another said, is a Betrayed Spouse Super Hero. Most of this forum is filled with people like me trying to win back people like you.


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## Jonesey

Jasel said:


> *I think you accusing him of doing the same thing that you yourself turned around and did is what makes this even worse.*
> 
> :iagree:This is going to be the most difficult part for her
> 
> Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Are you able to go to his work (maybe to meet in a parking lot or something?)
> 
> I'm thinking he's probably already filed for divorce or is in the process of doing so.


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> It's the first time I've done anything like this. I don't even know why I did it now.


You better figure it out, or you will do it to the next guy.


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## brokenhearted118

Wow, wow, wow! You really messed up on this one! I know it is not what you want to hear, but here is a good thought. It appears your husband has possibly put a keylogger on your phone and/or computer. If that is the case, he is able to see everything you are typing. That is probably how he was able to print off all of the messages. Here is the slightly good news. IF he did install a keylogger, one can only hope that he is SEEING all of your remorse you are posting on here too. 

Girl, I suggest you do everything and I mean everything in your power to show your H how very sorry and remorseful you are. All you can do is pray that he will forgive you. I hope you learned a valuable lesson with this. Your story is very sad...Good luck!


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## Myka

InlandTXMM said:


> Myka, why do you want this fixed? You say you are desperate to fix this, but what are you wanting to fix? The marriage? Your old lifestyle?
> 
> Did he cater to you and pamper you? Somehow over time your husband lost your respect. That usually happens, ironically, when he places you on a pedestal and treats you like royalty.


I want to fix the damage I've done. Undo the hurt I've caused. Get my husband back. 

Yes he treated me like a princess, but I don't need that. I just want him back.


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## Myka

I fully understand what a hypocrite I've been.


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> I want to fix the damage I've done. Undo the hurt I've caused. Get my husband back.
> 
> Yes he treated me like a princess, but I don't need that. I just want him back.


Ironically, that star treatment was the reason you disrespected him. I believe you became used to it, and then bratty and entitled. Only you can know if this is true.

So your husband has a cheating prima donna to reconcile with, or... what? The chance to start again?

You better bring a whole new attitude to any meeting he agrees to.


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## verpin zal

Someone wrote "Your stbxh is my hero", and i just hit "like" on the post -

I had 4 unfiltered beers and I'm going to be deployed tomorrow for 5 months, due tomorrow 5:30 pm. I strained with the effort with writing a substantially long post but withheld from sending it, it was going to be the first reply to yours.

The only reason I didn't send it was when I came back from the military life, I wanted to find my TAM account intact.

So aside from threadjacking, see you in 5 months guys. Live long and prosper, and may the Force be with you all fatihful spouses.


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## weightlifter

generically where are you.

note this is not an address request. "texas" "new england" "australia". 

the timing i find oddly fast for an EA. 

when exactly did the inappropriate start?
when did the true sexting start?
when was the box incident?


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## waiwera

Myka - I feel very sorry for you...I can hear the panic in your voice.

Your right to feel that way... I can only imagine the world of pain your H is in right now. Far worse than yours I can guarantee that.... no matter what you may be feeling and thinking.

Have affairs been discussed in your marriage? Are they considered deal breakers? 

I simply suggest you read and read as much as you can....learn what a BS NEEDS from the WS. Your needs, for now are irrelevant IMO. Everything has to be about healing your marriage and H's brutal pain.... if he wants that.

Best of luck to you.


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## Myka

weightlifter said:


> generically where are you.
> 
> note this is not an address request. "texas" "new england" "australia".
> 
> the timing i find oddly fast for an EA.
> 
> when exactly did the inappropriate start?
> when did the true sexting start?
> when was the box incident?


I'm in Texas. the guy was in Utah.

The sexting and pictures all started about three weeks in. We were saying I love yous and things like that about two weeks in.


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## Cabsy

You were basically cuckolding him before his very eyes - through that phone. That probably made it pretty easy to figure out that something was going on and where to look, but I'll tell you one thing... your man snapped you right back into reality and did it with style. Sounds like quite a man to lose for some other guy trolling for internet poon.

I hope for your sake he can find a way to forgive, love, and trust you again; but I hope for his sake that he does whatever brings him the most happiness moving forward.


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## Thoreau

Hijack for a moment....Verpin....Godspeed and keep your head on a swivel. Thank you for your service.

Hijack over.

OP....are you sorry that you were caught?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

InlandTXMM said:


> Myka, why do you want this fixed? You say you are desperate to fix this, but what are you wanting to fix? The marriage? Your old lifestyle?
> 
> Did he cater to you and pamper you? Somehow over time your husband lost your respect. That usually happens, ironically, when he places you on a pedestal and treats you like royalty.


There are many reasons that a person might get to the point of cheating. Being treated like royalty is not the usual reason, not at all. Men cheat a bit more often then women do. Would you also that men cheat when their wives treat them well?

A person generally loses the emotional connection to their spouse their spouse when their spouse is not meeting their needs. When a person's needs are not met consistenly over a period of time they become selfish. They want their needs met.


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## EleGirl

Myka,

I suggest that you start by getting the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book will help you a lot with knowing the path to take to recover your marriage. Hopefully you can also get your husband to read the book and discuss it with you.


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## Myka

waiwera said:


> Myka - I feel very sorry for you...I can hear the panic in your voice.
> 
> Your right to feel that way... I can only imagine the world of pain your H is in right now. Far worse than yours I can guarantee that.... no matter what you may be feeling and thinking.
> 
> Have affairs been discussed in your marriage? Are they considered deal breakers?
> 
> I simply suggest you read and read as much as you can....learn what a BS NEEDS from the WS. Your needs, for now are irrelevant IMO. Everything has to be about healing your marriage and H's brutal pain.... if he wants that.
> 
> Best of luck to you.


I am panicked. I deserve what I've gotten and more.

We had discussed affairs before marriage. I was cheated on repeatedly by my previous boyfriend so we agreed any cheating was a deal breaker.

While I was talking to the guy I was lying to myself. I said since we weren't having real sex it wasn't really cheating. I thought I would just stop if my husband found out and everything would just return to normal. I can't believe how stupid I have been. The lies I told myself and believed. 

I know I can never make up for it but I'll do anything for the chance.


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## Thoreau

Ele....I dare say that when a wife treats her husband properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

so i love you was roughly 4 weeks ago?
sexting 3 weeks ago 
box a few days ago?

most EAs are not found that fast. seems odd to me.


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## EleGirl

Myka said:


> I'm in Texas. the guy was in Utah.
> 
> The sexting and pictures all started about three weeks in. We were saying I love yous and things like that about two weeks in.


Did your husband have emails and chats going all the way back to the start of your 'friendship'.. before it got to the EA level? It sounds like he has put a keylogger on your computer. I'm wondering when he did this. If he did it early on, why we he so suspicious?

In the last 6 months or so, had your husband been talking about marriage problems or him thinking of leaving you?


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## waiwera

Thoreau said:


> Ele....I dare say that when a wife treats her husband properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Plenty of women around here would argue that... there are many good loving wives on these boards that treated their men very well.... possibly too well.

This is not a gender issue...not anymore.


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## EleGirl

Thoreau said:


> Ele....I dare say that when a wife treats her husband properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.


What? When a woman treats her husband properly he is more likely to cheat? So are you saying that a woman should mistreat her husband to ensure he does not cheat?


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## waiwera

Myka said:


> I am panicked. I deserve what I've gotten and more.
> 
> We had discussed affairs before marriage. I was cheated on repeatedly by my previous boyfriend so we agreed any cheating was a deal breaker.
> 
> While I was talking to the guy I was lying to myself. I said since we weren't having real sex it wasn't really cheating. I thought I would just stop if my husband found out and everything would just return to normal. I can't believe how stupid I have been. The lies I told myself and believed.
> 
> I know I can never make up for it but I'll do anything for the chance.


myka - are you being supported/helped by anyone other than folks here on this board? Do your family know? Your best friend/s?

As much as I hate what you've done to your H you need help and support in RL.

What you did was cheating. 100%. This is going to be a long process no matter what happens. Who is your supporter?


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## Myka

The sexting and pictures all started about two weeks ago. The affair started about five weeks ago but wasn't an affair at the start. It was just playing an online game. I sent the worst picture about a week after the sexting started, which is about a week ago.

He had everything from the past three weeks about. He highlighted some of the things I said. I think these are the things that hurt him the most.


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## InlandTXMM

EleGirl said:


> There are many reasons that a person might get to the point of cheating. Being treated like royalty is not the usual reason, not at all. Men cheat a bit more often then women do. Would you also that men cheat when their wives treat them well?
> 
> A person generally loses the emotional connection to their spouse their spouse when their spouse is not meeting their needs. When a person's needs are not met consistenly over a period of time they become selfish. They want their needs met.


Sounds like a whole lot of rationalization to me.

My comment was about women who are treated like queens tend to lose the respect for their husbands. I never mentioned male motivation for cheating, nor is it relevant here, since the cheater is female and was, by her own words, treated like a princess.


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## Myka

waiwera said:


> myka - are you being supported/helped by anyone other than folks here on this board? Do your family know? Your best friend/s?
> 
> As much as I hate what you've done to your H you need help and support in RL.
> 
> What you did was cheating. 100%. This is going to be a long process no matter what happens. Who is your supporter?


I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


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## Vanguard

I like the part where you accuse him of doing something and it turns out he was innocent, and then you turn around and do the exact thing you accused him of.


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## InlandTXMM

EleGirl said:


> What? When a woman treats her husband properly he is more likely to cheat? So are you saying that a woman should mistreat her husband to ensure he does not cheat?


Read it again - he said when a woman treats the man well, the man is more likely to be FAITHFUL.

It's the opposite with women. Why, I will die trying to figure out.


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## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


You must tell them. All of it. 

And by the way, there is no "us" to be supportive of. You ruined that. 

You must own what you did. You have shamed him and you must take that shame on yourself.


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## Vanguard

Myka said:


> *I want to fix the damage I've done. Undo the hurt I've caused.* Get my husband back.
> 
> Yes he treated me like a princess, but I don't need that. I just want him back.


Don't you get it? That's impossible. You can never undo what you've done. I really hope he stays the course and divorces you. It's better for you and it's definitely better for him. 

If you handle this right, you can become a good person.


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## EleGirl

InlandTXMM said:


> Read it again - he said when a woman treats the man well, the man is more likely to be FAITHFUL.
> 
> It's the opposite with women. Why, I will die trying to figure out.


It is not the opposite for women. If a woman is not treated well she is very likely to walk. Just as a man who is not treated well is very likely to walk.

But I can tell you from experience and what I've seen, there are men who will cheat on their wife even when she treats him very well.


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## waiwera

InlandTXMM said:


> Read it again - he said when a woman treats the man well, the man is more likely to be FAITHFUL.
> 
> It's the opposite with women. Why, I will die trying to figure out.


Aaarrrh... not women...*some* women. Possibly even your woman...I dunno i haven't read your back story sorry.

My man treats me wonderfully...I've never cheated. My dad treated my mum wonderfully and she has never cheated...see there's 2 out 2 women that didn't cheat because they had a good husband. 

Generalizations suck and we learn nothing... it's a cop out!


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## Vanguard

Myka said:


> I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


You mean you can't bear the thought of the shame this is inevitably going to bring upon you. 

I am very sorry for your loss. I really am. I can't imagine what this is like. But you are thinking of everything in terms of your own pain. You are not thinking about your husband and his pain. You are not thinking of your family and theirs. You are interpreting all those interactions with those people through the filter of your own selfishness. 

You need to prepare yourself- if you don't tell them, he will. You should not be hiding this, you should be owning it. If you truly love your husband, you should respect his decision and wish him well. You should accept the natural consequences of your actions which have hurt him more than you can understand.

Start there. That's how you make something good out of all of this.


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## Vanguard

InlandTXMM said:


> Read it again - he said when a woman treats the man well, the man is more likely to be FAITHFUL.
> 
> It's the opposite with women. Why, I will die trying to figure out.


I don't know either. It's like I said-

If you give a woman everything she will eventually despise you.


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## Malcolm38

Thoreau said:


> Your stbxh is my hero.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:thumbup:


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## waiwera

Myka said:


> I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


Myka - I would really suggest you pick one person you can trust and confide in them. You need a friend right now.


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## EleGirl

Myka said:


> I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


Get teh book I suggested and read it before you do anything.

Generally it's suggested that the betrayed spouse (BS) expose the affair to selected people.. family and certain friends to get their help in the ending the affair. If you have ended your affair, then, well it's ended.

There are some who mistakenly think that the purpose of exposure is the embarrass, humiliate and punish the WS (wayward spouse). It is not.


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## InlandTXMM

Ladies, calm the solipsism. I apologize for the generalization. I wasn't talking about YOU or your mom.

Let's say SOME women will cheat when treated well. Like our friend the poster here. And most of the WWs on this forum.

End of threadjack


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## Myka

What should I do if he ever talks to me again? What can I do to get another chance?


----------



## InlandTXMM

Myka you lost the right to do anything but ask for his terms.

So ask him. Is there anything you can do? Does he need time?

You simply cannot know the damage you've caused. Read a few of these threads. This literally and permanently changes a person.

You killed much of what your husband thought of you. You damaged his faith in others. You crushed his self esteem. None of these things can be undone with an apology. It will take a lot of time, and then he may never fully recover his trust in you.


----------



## Vanguard

Myka said:


> What should I do if he ever talks to me again? What can I do to get another chance?


The best way to get a second chance is to stop looking to get a second chance. 

This is what I'm talking about. You are thinking only of yourself. YOUR redemption. YOUR agony.


----------



## InlandTXMM

Vanguard said:


> The best way to get a second chance is to stop looking to get a second chance.
> 
> This is what I'm talking about. You are thinking only of yourself. YOUR redemption. YOUR agony.


That is truly epic insight.

You're right! Her question isn't, " How can I help him heal?" 

It's "How can I save my a$$ and my posh princess lifestyle?"

Myka, you aren't even willing to come clean to your family and friends. Think about that. Whose a$$ are you worried about?


----------



## livnlearn

Myka;1608191
Three days ago. My phone shut off. I came home thinking I would ask my husband what was going on when I got home. When I got home the electricity was off. The water too. I went to the bedroom and saw a red box on the bed. It had a pretty bow on it and was in our bed which he made before placing the box down on it.
I was shaking. I couldn't make sense of it. I opened the box to find a stack of printed paper and my husbands wedding ring. He had found and printed out every conversation I had had with the guy. All of our texts and emails. Even emails from the email address the guy told me I should get. I couldn't believe it. There was a note too. It said "I hope you are happy together".
[/QUOTE said:


> s
> 
> Perfectly played on your husband's part. Stayed cool, gathered evidence...the box with a red bow..pure genius. :smthumbup:
> 
> That being said, I'm sorry about your situation. You DO sound remorseful, but it may not be enough. "I love you"s and "a close-up of your privates" UGH. The poor guy.  I wish you luck healing your relationship...I mean that sincerely. Unfortunately, it takes some people major events like this to realize how fortunate they were.


----------



## Myka

Vanguard said:


> The best way to get a second chance is to stop looking to get a second chance.
> 
> This is what I'm talking about. You are thinking only of yourself. YOUR redemption. YOUR agony.


I am so sorry I hurt him, but I can't tell him that if I can't talk to him. 

I will meet any demand and do whatever it takes to make this up to him, no mater what or how long.

I am embarrassed and ashamed and hurting, but part of that is knowing how much I hurt him. I have been cheated on. I know exactly what I did to him. I just don't know how I can let him know how sorry I am.


----------



## EleGirl

Myka said:


> What should I do if he ever talks to me again? What can I do to get another chance?


You should read the book I suggested first.


----------



## waiwera

myka - you ask HIM what you can do.... if and when he decides to speak to you. 

Just ever make any excuse or blameshift... if you intend on doing that...spare him the pain and just keep quiet.


----------



## EleGirl

Vanguard said:


> I don't know either. It's like I said-
> 
> If you give a woman everything she will eventually despise you.


Is this why my husbands mistreated me, were physically abusive, took money from me and cheated on me? Because they listened to nonsense like this?


----------



## MrQuatto

Myka said:


> I've never done anything like this before. I don't even know why I did it now.


THAT is the question you need to answer because if there is any hope of salvaging this marriage, he is damned sure going to want that answer and "I don't know" isn't going to cut it in the slightest.

Everything you have said were the problems, were easy to fix with basic communication. You better have a truthful and heartfelt reason why and an equal plan to move forward or you are doomed.

Q~


----------



## ThePheonix

Myka said:


> I was having a stupid argument with my husband about a month and a half ago. I thought he was talking to some girl online. I demanded to see everything.


Like my grandmother used to say to me, "Boo, What you hate most in others, is the shadow within you."
You suspected and accused your husband because, by your own admission and ultimate history, the shadow was within you Myka. 
The ball is in your husband's court. All you can do is throw yourself on his mercy and ask him for another chance.
As for him, he gets an A+ dealing with the situation. He couldn't have handled it better. Whether he is will to take another risk with you is his decision.


----------



## EleGirl

Myka said:


> I am so sorry I hurt him, but I can't tell him that if I can't talk to him.
> 
> I will meet any demand and do whatever it takes to make this up to him, no mater what or how long.
> 
> I am embarrassed and ashamed and hurting, but part of that is knowing how much I hurt him. I have been cheated on. I know exactly what I did to him. I just don't know how I can let him know how sorry I am.


Do you know his email address? Write him an email telling him the above. Tell him that you are willing to do what is needed to repair your marriage.

Talk about the pain you have caused him a lot more than you talk about your own pain.


----------



## Myka

EleGirl said:


> Do you know his email address? Write him an email telling him the above. Tell him that you are willing to do what is needed to repair your marriage.
> 
> Talk about the pain you have caused him a lot more than you talk about your own pain.


I sent a ton of emails.

I called his work.

I tried to visit his office at work but security turned me away before I got in the building.

I called his parents, but they don't answer.


----------



## Vanguard

EleGirl said:


> Is this why my husbands mistreated me, were physically abusive, took money from me and cheated on me? Because they listened to nonsense like this?


These rules don't apply to someone like you. 

You're a standard deviation above the common female.


----------



## waiwera

MrQuatto said:


> THAT is the question you need to answer because if there is any hope of salvaging this marriage, he is damned sure going to want that answer and "I don't know" isn't going to cut it in the slightest.
> 
> Everything you have said were the problems, were easy to fix with basic communication. You better have a truthful and heartfelt reason why and an equal plan to move forward or you are doomed.
> 
> Q~


Absolutely how can anyone say they will never do something again if they don't know why they did do it in the first place.

I believe 'I don't know why" is just a reactive statement IMO. I believe people DO know why.

Didn't OP say she was a bit bored in one of her early posts soooo she should have cuddled up with hubby and asked how they could have made life more fun/sexy/interesting etc...

But instead THIS. Two heart broken people and broken families.

Just so sad and totally avoidable.


----------



## Vanguard

Myka said:


> I am so sorry I hurt him, but I can't tell him that if I can't talk to him.
> 
> I will meet any demand and do whatever it takes to make this up to him, no mater what or how long.
> 
> I am embarrassed and ashamed and hurting, but part of that is knowing how much I hurt him. I have been cheated on. I know exactly what I did to him. I just don't know how I can let him know how sorry I am.


Don't worry about telling him. 

Forget about it. Trust me, he doesn't want to hear it. 

Just work on being a good person. Please for the love of Christ stop trying to manipulate him for what you perceive as "the greater good" and just let him go. If you really love him let him go.


----------



## InlandTXMM

Myka said:


> I sent a ton of emails.
> 
> I called his work.
> 
> I tried to visit his office at work but security turned me away before I got in the building.
> 
> I called his parents, but they don't answer.


Myka at this point, it sounds like you have your answer.

The silence is deafening. Your marriage, in all likelihood, is over.

Sorry to say. Please learn from this and prepare to move on.


----------



## Thoreau

EleGirl said:


> What? When a woman treats her husband properly he is more likely to cheat? So are you saying that a woman should mistreat her husband to ensure he does not cheat?


Read again....I said fidelity....not infidelity. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

\


Myka said:


> I sent a ton of emails.
> 
> I called his work.
> 
> I tried to visit his office at work but security turned me away before I got in the building.
> 
> I called his parents, but they don't answer.


Then send him one more email. Say that you understand his reluctance to talk to him. You understand the pain you have caused him. And you hope that he will come to a point where he can talk to you because you know you messed up and hope he can find it in his heart to talk to you. You hope that someday he will be willing to work to recover your marriage. That you are willing to do what he needs to help him heal and recover your marriage. But you will back off for now to give him a chance to think things through.


Then stop writing him for a while. Cheating is of course a very bad thing. Over begging will drive him away as well. He has a lot to process.

Then start working on YOU. Become a better person. Do what you need to do to figure out why you did this and how you can protect yourself from doing it again.

What I've seen happen online is that a lot of people feel safe, after all that other person is not even here in real life. It allows them to get sucked into things they would not normally do. It happened to my husband. I've seen it happen with others. Once caught up in the cyber relationship, it does not feel real, so they continue it.


----------



## bryanp

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have acted the same way as your husband did? Do you work? Who is paying the bills and getting the electricity back on?


----------



## Thoreau

Ele....just for the record....you are an exception to the rule. I have the utmost respect for you and commend you on your efforts here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Thoreau said:


> Read again....I said fidelity....not infidelity.


I guess it was a long day... after many long days. I’ve been in 8 hour teleconferences every day this week and have lost my mind.. gads I hate that. 

I'll go back and re-read. Though I do know that a woman treating a husband well is not a guarantee that he will not cheat. It never has been, never will be. Many men who are treated well by their wife cheat.


----------



## Thoreau

OP....you never answered. Are you sorry you got caught?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Thoreau said:


> Ele....just for the record....you are an exception to the rule. I have the utmost respect for you and commend you on your efforts here.


I know many women who treated their husbands well and who were cheated on.

I also know many women whose husbands treat them well and who would never cheat on their husbands.


----------



## carolinadreams

Why don't you drive down to his parents and beg, maybe your husbands heart will soften. In the meantime get yourself counseling. Sounds like you are being highly passive.


----------



## weightlifter

Something is fishy about this. Im thinking he was on his way out...
Perhaps he WAS actually cheating himself? (wouldnt that be irony?)

Sorry Ive seen way worse stories and the husband usually stuck around longer. This is NOT a justification... Cheating is cheating.

Something just does not smell right.
And yes, My spidey senses ARE acting up.


----------



## EleGirl

weightlifter said:


> Something is fishy about this. Im thinking he was on his way out...
> Perhaps he WAS actually cheating himself? (wouldnt that be irony?)
> 
> Sorry Ive seen way worse stories and the husband usually stuck around longer. This is NOT a justification... Cheating is cheating.
> 
> Something just does not smell right.
> And yes, My spidey senses ARE acting up.


I'm getting the same feelings about this. It's like he was looking for the excuse.


----------



## T&T

weightlifter said:


> Something is fishy about this. Im thinking he was on his way out...
> Perhaps he WAS actually cheating himself? (wouldnt that be irony?)
> 
> Sorry Ive seen way worse stories and the husband usually stuck around longer.


I would have done the same thing. He got everything (assuming) out of his name and walked...Simple, but what a better way to walk away and send the message, that it's over.


----------



## btdt

EleGirl said:


> I'm getting the same feelings about this. It's like he was looking for the excuse.


I dunno but I think being falsely accused of cheating by your W then finding out that she was cheating is a pretty good excuse..

But it wouldn't surprise me if the women whose advances he previously rebuffed is consoling him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## InlandTXMM

Regardless of his motives, I think his message was crystal clear.


----------



## EleGirl

btdt said:


> I dunno but I think being falsely accused of cheating by your W then finding out that she was cheating is a pretty good excuse..
> 
> But it wouldn't surprise me if the women whose advances he previously rebuffed is consoling him now.


That's called a revenge affair. Not a very good thing either.


----------



## weightlifter

Timeline is fishy. 

It was too easy. 

I call em as I see em.

OP. WHERE is your husband now?

Enquiring minds wanna know.


----------



## Wiserforit

I doubt you've heard the worst. A guy that has gone this far already has a lawyer and has drawn up papers. I would expect to be served.

I realize your mind is reeling, and all thoughts are on trying to win him back. But realistically you are going to need preparing for divorce. The law requires that he use a process server that certifies you got the filing. 

Individual state laws govern no-fault divorce, dissolution, or divorce with cause. He would need your cooperation for anything except a divorce with cause and I doubt there is cause here. But you should familiarize yourself with the law because it sure looks like that's what is coming. 

You are entitled to half of the assets acquired during the marriage. 

Sorry this has happened to you but your husband caught you red-handed and brought the hammer down.


----------



## alte Dame

You've completely blown the man's mind. He's not just hurt beyond imagining, he cannot believe that what he read came from the woman he decided to marry. He thinks he never knew you at all and what he now knows he doesn't want to be associated with.

Sorry, but I doubt, given his reaction, that you'll have any chance to win him back. I think he's trying to cut his losses right now.


----------



## Reluctant_Doubter

To the OP,

I may be in a similar situation to your husband. Has my wife cheated? I don't know (yet). Has she been untruthful? Yes - and caught with evidence. Even if it is just lying, with no sustained EA and no PA the hurt is severe.

Reading through your thread I am thinking about how I would react to your attempts to contact your husband. To be honest, in my current state of mind, probably exactly the same way. If your email (assume my wife's email) appeared in my inbox, I think I would hover over it for a moment, then just press delete. I doubt your husband has opened your emails. 

I know that to you it seemed like harmless, non-physical, fun. But from your husband's point of view (and mine) it is probably the end of the road. Successful marriages are based on trust (together with other things). Not only have you demonstrated to your husband that he can't trust you, but you have belittled him in the process. Put yourself in his shoes. You never wanted or expected this, but he is hurting big time. 

I feel sorry for both of you, because I know this was not what you wanted, and I know how much he is hurting right now. But I suspect that many of the other posters are right - prepare for the end game.

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. :-(


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> I'm getting the same feelings about this. It's like he was looking for the excuse.


leaving someone for cheating is NOT an 'excuse'


----------



## totallyunexpected

Myka,

My advice is for you to focus on 1) comprehending your husband's pain, and 2) determining the "why" behind your actions and "why" you lacked appropriate boundaries.

I gather that you very much regret what you did, and indeed are remorseful. However, it is natural to focus on your own pain, even though it your husband's is so much more profound. Stop and focus on his pain. You need to "get it". That is one requisite for getting him back.

The other point has been mentioned by others already, but it bears repeating. You need to do some major reflecting on how you allowed yourself to behave so recklessly and to have no respect for your husband. You mentioned being cheated on before. Can you say more about that? I'm especially troubled because you have discussed cheating and the consequences, and thus should have had a conscience screaming in your ear. 

I also don't understand the "I love you" and the graphic pictures. It's hard for me to imagine being a wife in a decent marriage and saying I love you to some person I am playing a game with online, no matter the many conversations. 

I remember watching a movie in which the guy cheated on his pregnant soon-to-be wife who he actually loved. He was speaking to her father and asked him, "What do I do?". The father offered very profound wisdom: *Do whatever it takes. *

If you believe you are capable of changing yourself and not hurting your husband again, you do still have a "chance" at repairing your marriage. But it will forevermore be changed and you have to be ready to "do whatever it takes" for many years to come. If that's too much to handle, then let him go. Save him drawn out pain. Most people say they will do whatever it takes but they in practice they don't maintain that attitude seriously enough for long enough. 

Good luck working on you and maybe saving your marriage.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Myka:* Good morning.

*You discontinued your earlier relationships where they (the men) cheated, right? Presumably, BECAUSE they cheated (while you were dating, but not married)?

If your husband makes the same decision now based on your cheating (that too, POST marriage), that logically falls into place, right?*

*Please note: it’s not you (as he knew you) that he fled from. It’s your evil twin he discovered on the phone that he ran from.*
*
Now, from your view point, it’s you (the wife he knew) who’s calling him back. But from his point of view, it’s the evil twin that’s trying to lure him back.*


For your husband to shut down thus, he either thinks in black & white about cheating (which is synchronous with the way he strictly adhered to marital boundaries when he was hit upon, and congruous with the discussions you and he have had in the past), or your chats with the Other Man were of such nature, that he is convinced there is no point in investing any more time, energy and life and resurrecting your marriage.

If his wife was speaking with another man as though she is totally into him, with love and lust and stardust and moonlight and all thrown in (physical sex being ipso facto, just waiting to happen if not discovered), he would feel like a roll of toilet paper.

And he decided to not to go down the chute.

*That's his right. And he is right too, in that sense.*


Even if you and he get together again, he would not be the same *safe* bet, and he *would not* treat you like a princess anymore. But you KNOW that.



To: other posters:

She DID NOT accuse him of telephonic misdemeanor, find out he had exercised marital boundaries in a text-book fashion, and THEN, begin her own sex chats, etc.

*She was ALREADY having telephone make-out sessions (though they had not gotten too heavy (nude pics, etc), when she accused him of it.*

That’s plain hypocrisy at best, cheater’s selfish double standards at worse, and BPD-type self-entitlement at worst.



*All said, it also seems somewhat possible that SHE had HIS exit affair. *The patience, the perfect execution, the going dark thus, like a light switched off… …


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Myka said:


> I'm embarrassed to say that I did. I let him do most of the talking. I don't know how to explain but I felt like I had to to keep him interested. I sent a close up of my privates. I sent some pictures of a revealing top.
> 
> I was a little bored in our relationship, and I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, but there was nothing seriously wrong in our marriage. This was all me. I don't know why I did this. I know it's unforgivable, but I really hope my husband can forgive me. [I*]I said things I had no business saying to another man. [*/I]I think that's what caused him to dump me like he did.


You hit the nail on the head. When he read about all the things you said to the OM about him, that is something that I as a man just could never accept.

When I suspected that my ex-wife was having an affair, and I saw a SMS message on her phone stating to the man I believed she was having an affair with, that she had to "take some time to placate the husband," that was the worst insult imaginable to me and I never, ever forgave her for degrading me and despising me to her lover that way.

It broke the marriage for me utterly.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Reluctant_Doubter said:


> To the OP,
> 
> Not only have you demonstrated to your husband that he can't trust you, but you have belittled him in the process.
> 
> (


:iagree: This.


----------



## BobSimmons

Some people have no tolerance for bull. If you're partner started acting strangely you'd know straight away. What we don't know is the context of what she said about him to OM. The intensity and context of the sextexting. The picture sending and all the other activities OP left out.

It's not excuse to leave and get D. We see many here grovel, beg and cry. Some just don't take it laying down and leave.


----------



## betrayed2013

how could you write i love yous to a guy u dont even kno? I remember seeing a sexting session my stbxw did in july and the one thing that really broke me was when she wrote "ur my number one babe, id only cheat on my husband with you" That will stick with me the rest of my life. The thot ur husband must have had seeing u write i love u to a complete stranger turned the word love into a meaningless word. I'd give him some time to think about things. If ur lucky, he'll give u a second chance, but ur immature actions due to a lack of self esteem and perceived boredom might have just ruined you. I wish u all the best , but i know when my brother saw some msgs to his wife, he left her and that was it, it was over.


----------



## aug

weightlifter said:


> Something is fishy about this. Im thinking he was on his way out...
> Perhaps he WAS actually cheating himself? (wouldnt that be irony?)
> 
> Sorry Ive seen way worse stories and the husband usually stuck around longer. This is NOT a justification... Cheating is cheating.
> 
> Something just does not smell right.
> And yes, My spidey senses ARE acting up.





EleGirl said:


> I'm getting the same feelings about this. It's like he was looking for the excuse.




3 year marriage, no kids. Not much to hold him in this marriage after finding out his wife was dissing him and sexting.


----------



## Will_Kane

Myka said:


> What should I do if he ever talks to me again? What can I do to get another chance?


For one thing, you have to stop talking with the other man. If you still have been communicating with other man, obviously, your husband has found a way to see it/hear it. So any plea for forgiveness you send to your husband now, two minutes after you sent yet another message to the other man, is NOT going to look good to your husband.

We see a lot of husbands who have found out about their wives' affairs and are monitoring their communications. The husband posts here, "do you believe it, she just texted other man that she loves him and misses him, and two minutes later she texted me to ask 'do I think I could give her another chance, she ended it with other man.'"

So, if you still have been communicating with other man, then still lying to your husband, your chances are even slimmer.

It's tough to undo.

You told other man you loved him, that you wanted him sexually, what you were going to do to him when you met up, and you probably were planning on how to meet up.

You sent him pictures, he sent you pictures, he knew where you lived, you knew where he lived, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EVIDENCE THAT ANY OF THIS WAS JUST FANTASY. All evidence indicates that you WERE going to make this physical and leave your husband for this other man, so he just beat you to the punch.

If your husband had found your messages to your girlfriend saying how you were joking around with this guy leading him on, it would be one thing, but you WERE going to HAVE SEX with this guy AND LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND for him.

So why are you upset that your husband left you? Does it matter that much to you that you did not get to do the leaving? You don't have kids to worry about. Is it because now that he's unavailable to you, he's that more attractive to you? You want what you can't have?


----------



## JCD

EleGirl said:


> That's called a revenge affair. Not a very good thing either.


That assumes he is going back. That does not sound to be the case here.

It's not a revenge affair if he doesn't care if she's hurt by it.


----------



## JCD

You know, in the 11th Century, Henry the II asked some knights "Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?" when he was having a fight with Thomas Beckett.

Stay with me here. The history lesson is almost over.

The knights went and murdered Archbishop Beckett.

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE gave Henry II the hairy eyeball. He had to walk barefoot wearing a hairshirt all the way from London to Canterbury where he was publically flogged by the priests of Canturbury.

You can have your dignity. You can show remorse. It's hard to do both.


----------



## Rags

There is, of course, every likelyhood that he will now go and find some consolation elsewhere. Many people wouldn't blame him for that (although some would say it would be better to wait until the divorce is finalised.)

My point, though, is - how would that affect your views on reconciliation? Even if not done as a revenge affair, would that make it difficult for you? Or would you accept that it's a consequence of your actions, and therefore something that you have to deal with?

(Assuming you bother coming back here, of course - reading these threads must be hard, a they won't tell you what you want to hear - although it might be what you need to, if you want any chance of recovery, for yourself, your (for-now) husband, and you (for now) marriage.)


----------



## weightlifter

OP 
1) did you meet Utah man AFTER you confronted husband?
2) Look at the emails he printed. This one is a long shot but are they To him from you or FROM you to him?
3) Did you start neglecting him AFTER or before confronting him?

Sorry folks. Yes shes hideously guilty. BUT this whole thing stinks and my spidey senses are reading 9.9 ATM.

And if he is already boinking the suspected OW they are BOTH guilty as the probability the OP was initially right is over 90%.


----------



## mrtickle

There is something in this story we do not know. It really doesn't add up. I'm siding with the 'husband wanted to leave anyway and was just waiting for a reason to appear' theory, although even then there is something odd about all this.

The short timeline of the EA
How quickly the EA went from just gaming to 'i love you'
The fb response from BH to his friend saying her comment was inappropriate (most would probably have backed off but not confronted like that IMO)
The covert surveillance by BH that reaped so much evidence, must have been in place for a reason previously

Also, the whole cutting off phone/electric, moving out and leaving a red box with a bow on is a great story, but would be logistically difficult to pull off (all on the same day), especially by someone who would - in theory - be going through a huge range of emotions at the time.

Also, a relationship which was good but had something like this happen is in most cases, not going to solicit SUCH a strong action from the spouse - ie. without some form of confrontation, unless there is something else happening.

Hate to say it, but whilst I have every sympathy with OP and her BH, I do suspect we are being trickle-truthed a bit here......I think there has to be some major factor to all this we do not know yet.


----------



## LRgirl

mrtickle said:


> There is something in this story we do not know. It really doesn't add up. I'm siding with the 'husband wanted to leave anyway and was just waiting for a reason to appear' theory, although even then there is something odd about all this.
> 
> The short timeline of the EA
> How quickly the EA went from just gaming to 'i love you'
> The fb response from BH to his friend saying her comment was inappropriate (most would probably have backed off but not confronted like that IMO)
> The covert surveillance by BH that reaped so much evidence, must have been in place for a reason previously
> 
> Also, the whole cutting off phone/electric, moving out and leaving a red box with a bow on is a great story, but would be logistically difficult to pull off (all on the same day), especially by someone who would - in theory - be going through a huge range of emotions at the time.
> 
> Also, a relationship which was good but had something like this happen is in most cases, not going to solicit SUCH a strong action from the spouse - ie. without some form of confrontation, unless there is something else happening.
> 
> Hate to say it, but whilst I have every sympathy with OP and her BH, I do suspect we are being trickle-truthed a bit here......I think there has to be some major factor to all this we do not know yet.


Yeah i agree......I wonder if anyone ever played babooshka to set a trap for their spouse to fall right into?

Husband found all this info very fast and dealt with it very calmly and logically.:scratchhead:


----------



## lewmin

I agree with the above posts to some degree. Yes, Myka what you did was terrible, but as the BH I would owe it to myself to find out exactly what went down. No communication by BH is not going to fix the problem. Was he looking for an immediately out? Or is he taking a hard-line stance (immediate 180) with you.

I do believe you are actually dreadfuly sorry for what you did. It was so wrong, but there were far more extreme stories on TAM that were reconciled. I think this could be fixed...but communication and MC is a must as a starting point.

I don't believe the silent treatment will last forever. You probably have no choice but to wait this out. Luckily, for you, your on-line buddy didn't live within striking distance, because it may have gone further. You have to own up to that.

Good luck to you and I really hope there is at least an attempt to see if R can happen before D.


----------



## F-102

Many BS's will see accusations of cheating (like Myka did to her H) as a "red flag". He probably Googled: "Wife falsely accusing infidelity" or somesuch, and came across many sites that said that it was a "classic" red flag of someone doing the same thing that they were accused of. Many of those sites (He may have even come across THIS one!) advise keyloggers, phone bills, e-mails, etc., and he decided to have a look.

He found exactly what he was praying he wouldn't find.


----------



## weightlifter

F-102 said:


> Many BS's will see accusations of cheating (like Myka did to her H) as a "red flag". He probably Googled: "Wife falsely accusing infidelity" or somesuch, and came across many sites that said that it was a "classic" red flag of someone doing the same thing that they were accused of. Many of those sites (He may have even come across THIS one!) advise keyloggers, phone bills, e-mails, etc., and he decided to have a look.
> 
> He found exactly what he was praying he wouldn't find.


We shall see. I want my 3 questions answered. Perhaps OP has left the building...

Oh and question 4. with 3 parts.

The email trail he found started when compared to your accusation.
Were you deleting the emails as they came in?
Were you deleting FB as it came in?


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Well if it was a set up by the BH, she took the bait,hook, line and sinker.

It would explain how fast the BH got enough evidence to do all the things(shut off electricity, phone, red box) in such short order.

F102 makes a good point. This guy doesn't sound like a dummy. He might have been p1ssed about being falsely accused of cheating, did his homework and presto. Ofcouse it's also possible that he was just looking for a clean and fast way out and she supplied it to him, pronto. Makes me wonder if this is the first time that Myka has had an EA. I know she stated otherwise, but I have to wonder if he EA was going on earlier than what she posted. The husband discovers this, has a female friend s send him some suggestive emails/texts, he sends the reply stating to knock it off. Then goes through the motions of having an EA, hoping his wife would confront. She confronts. He shows her the message that proves he stopped the EA cold, She continues with her EA, now to the point of sexting. He get's the hard evidence(I love yous and a coochie pic). BAM! It's in the box... A red box to be exact. Either way, this guy is no one for a WS to fvck with.

It would be interesting to see if Myka posts back here in a few months saying that her stbxh is dating the women she accused him of cheating with. It would explain alot.


----------



## GTdad

weightlifter said:


> OP
> 1) did you meet Utah man AFTER you confronted husband?
> 2) Look at the emails he printed. This one is a long shot but are they To him from you or FROM you to him?
> 3) Did you start neglecting him AFTER or before confronting him?
> 
> Sorry folks. Yes shes hideously guilty. BUT this whole thing stinks and my spidey senses are reading 9.9 ATM.
> 
> And if he is already boinking the suspected OW they are BOTH guilty as the probability the OP was initially right is over 90%.


I'm not sure if this addresses what you're getting at, but here's a scenario that makes sense to me:

The H gets accused of cheating by the OP, and he's innocent. He's also confused as hell. "Why on earth would she accuse me of that??" IRL or online someone tells him that the irrational jealousy thing is something that alot of cheaters do. They cheat, so they figure everyone else does, too. "Get a keylogger", the H may hear.

So he does. Now, her timing's real bad. She wasn't cheating before (maybe it's true, I don't know), but starts just as he starts to snoop.

And he handles it like a f*cking boss.


----------



## weightlifter

I will explain IF she comes back and answers #1 thru 4.

I'm thinking two cheaters not one.

I will explain my logic (or not) if I get answers.


----------



## MrQuatto

I don't know. I like to give the benefit of doubt but km wondering if she was just looking for a quick fix, didn't get one and is now gone from here?


----------



## T&T

Myka said:


> I was having a stupid argument with my husband about a month and a half ago. I thought he was talking to some girl online. I demanded to see everything. He opened up to me completely. Showed me his email and everything else I asked to see. I did see a facebook exchange from two days before. There was nothing in the conversation to be upset about until the end when she said something kind of flirty.* He replied back and said that her comment was inappropriate, and that there would be no further contact if it continued. *She apologized and then there was nothing else.


I don't understand why people feel he was having an affair when the OP wrote this above...


----------



## aug

If you read Tears' thread, you know her husband was the same. Decisive.


----------



## JustGrinding

Seems like Myka has left the building.

But, the story of Myka's virtual STBXBH's reaction to his D-Day shall live on in the annals of TAM history, with generation-after-generation of BH worshipping at the altar of his memory and reverently musing, "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?"

(. . . and, of course, that's what it is: a story.)


----------



## Jasel

I don't really find the timing all that suspicious. If he basically had every email and photo that she sent this guy already printed out he most likely knew what was going on from the start. Sounds like he did what I always try to recommend BS do when they discover an affair. Keep what you know to yourself, gather more evidence and eventually just let it speak for itself, start planning an exit strategy, execute and leave the WS shell shocked. Personally I think confrontation is pretty overrated and doesn't even seem to accomplish much besides defensiveness, trickle truth, gaslighting, lies, and empty promises that lead to false R.

Is it possible he had some type of ulterior motive? I guess. I think it's more likely, he just happened to be one of the few BS who made all the right moves from the start and now has the WS ready to eat out of HIS hand. Which is not usually how these things go here (instaforgiving, offering to work on the marriage at the drop of a hat, limited or non-existant consequences, living in limbo for months on end, indecisiveness, etc). I mean the only BS on here who I can think of offhand who seemed to do pretty much everything right from beginning to end are Rookie4 and The-Decieved. It doesn't happen much which is understandable.

And let's not assume she's gone for good. It hasn't even been 24 hours since her last post.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

weightlifter said:


> I will explain IF she comes back and answers #1 thru 4.
> 
> I'm thinking two cheaters not one.
> 
> I will explain my logic (or not) if I get answers.


You could be right, but just as likely I see this timeline

1. Wife goes MENTAL about Husband conversing with a girl EVEN after he responded to woman with "This isn't appropriate". I don't know any "non-guilty" spouse who would flip over their spouse DOING THE RIGHT THING. Yes that's a HUGE red flag for the husband. I would also vernture to guess that the OP didn't have ONE and only ONE blow up at the husband. It sounds like she was very insecure.

2. Wife starts neglecting husband "make your own sandwich" etc. etc. Please don't tell me sex didn't drop off significantly as well while she's buried into a phone. Two more BIG red flags.

3. Husband probably searches based on significant red flags. Finds information about what her behavior indicates. Does what this site suggests, goes CIA on her. Gets all the information he needs and isn't so beta that he has to sit around finding out why and what etc. Probably looks at himself. I'm young and am not going to deal with that. No kids. Nothing holding him to her. Goes silent to grieve (doing the 180 to an extreme)

Bear in mind, based on what the OP has said. His emails he got of her etc started 2 weeks after the EA started.

I think the OP isn't being as forthcoming and is TTing us. I think there's a good chance she was in this EA longer than she's letting on. He explosion about the FB messaging also doesn't add up for an innocent wife.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

JustGrinding said:


> Seems like Myka has left the building.
> 
> But, the story of Myka's virtual STBXBH's reaction to his D-Day shall live on in the annals of TAM history, with generation-after-generation of BH worshipping at the altar of his memory and reverently musing, "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?"
> 
> (. . . and, of course, that's what it is: a story.)


Hopefully it's because her husband has resurfaced and she's talking with him rather than with us.

I give it a 50/50 chance.


----------



## mrtickle

> I don't really find the timing all that suspicious. If he basically had every email and photo that she sent this guy already printed out he most likely knew what was going on from the start.


Sure, its possible, it just seems crazily compressed and there had to have been some degree of suspicion for BH to even start snooping, and that would have likely come about when OP's behaviour changed towards him which was a few weeks after the online EA starting (although she had already professed love for her AP). Maybe OP was extremely sloppy and didn't delete or hide anything....But even so, I don't get how a committed marriage can go from everything to nothing in the space of a few weeks, without the subject ever once being broached.



> Sounds like he did what I always try to recommend BS do when they discover an affair. Keep what you know to yourself, gather more evidence and eventually just let it speak for itself, start planning an exit strategy, execute and leave the WS shell shocked. Personally I think confrontation is pretty overrated and doesn't even seem to accomplish much besides defensiveness, trickle truth, gaslighting, lies, and empty promises that lead to false R.


But it's human nature at the end of the day. On discovering something like this, which lets not forget wasn't an PA and happened so quickly, emotions would be running high with the BS and I just don't think its realistic to expect such a calculated exit to take place UNLESS they were already checked-out of the marriage and were just waiting for an opportunity. Or unless this was one of many such indiscretions by the OP.



> Is it possible he had some type of ulterior motive? I guess. I think it's more likely, he just happened to be one of the few BS who made all the right moves from the start and now has the WS ready to eat out of HIS hand.


Which is also why I am a bit cautious about this story.

It all seems too perfect a scenario and doesn't tally with peoples natural instincts when faced with this (as can be seen by the number of near identical stories on this site).

I think the most likely scenarios are (in order of likelihood IMO) :

1. He was already looking for a way out. He may or may not already have been having an affair himself, but just needed a smoking gun to do it.

2. OP had been up to some shady stuff before and BS had worked this out, been through all the emotions and decided once and for all to put things in place to prove it, hence keyloggers, email access etc.

3. The story is bogus.

Either way, I feel there is something we don't know here which would give us all an 'ahaaa' moment.


----------



## weightlifter

mrtickle said:


> Sure, its possible, it just seems crazily compressed and there had to have been some degree of suspicion for BH to even start snooping, and that would have likely come about when OP's behaviour changed towards him which was a few weeks after the online EA starting (although she had already professed love for her AP). Maybe OP was extremely sloppy and didn't delete or hide anything....But even so, I don't get how a committed marriage can go from everything to nothing in the space of a few weeks, without the subject ever once being broached.
> 
> 
> 
> But it's human nature at the end of the day. On discovering something like this, which lets not forget wasn't an PA and happened so quickly, emotions would be running high with the BS and I just don't think its realistic to expect such a calculated exit to take place UNLESS they were already checked-out of the marriage and were just waiting for an opportunity. Or unless this was one of many such indiscretions by the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> Which is also why I am a bit cautious about this story.
> 
> It all seems too perfect a scenario and doesn't tally with peoples natural instincts when faced with this (as can be seen by the number of near identical stories on this site).
> 
> I think the most likely scenarios are (in order of likelihood IMO) :
> 
> 1. He was already looking for a way out. He may or may not already have been having an affair himself, but just needed a smoking gun to do it.
> 
> 2. OP had been up to some shady stuff before and BS had worked this out, been through all the emotions and decided once and for all to put things in place to prove it, hence keyloggers, email access etc.
> 
> 3. The story is bogus.
> 
> Either way, I feel there is something we don't know here which would give us all an 'ahaaa' moment.


Uh huh. My 4 questions would shed some light.


----------



## Ovid

My story is so close to this I probably shouldn't comment on it. The timeline is to a T like my Ws EA. That's one of the things that made it so hurtful. How quickly she moved forward with OM, and how quickly I was cast aside. If I didn't have kids I would have dropped my W and gone dark too.


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## Ovid

I should add my conclusion on Dday was that it moved so fast because either
1. She planned to have an A.
2. She didn't consider me at all. I was a meal ticket not her H.

If your story is true then he likely feels the same.


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## In_The_Wind

GTdad said:


> I'm not sure if this addresses what you're getting at, but here's a scenario that makes sense to me:
> 
> The H gets accused of cheating by the OP, and he's innocent. He's also confused as hell. "Why on earth would she accuse me of that??" IRL or online someone tells him that the irrational jealousy thing is something that alot of cheaters do. They cheat, so they figure everyone else does, too. "Get a keylogger", the H may hear.
> 
> So he does. Now, her timing's real bad. She wasn't cheating before (maybe it's true, I don't know), but starts just as he starts to snoop.
> 
> And he handles it like a f*cking boss.


Like A BOSS Baby Gigem


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## Foolish1

Wow! I can't believe how many people are suspecting her husband of just using this as an excuse to leave a marriage he wanted out of. If my H did this and we didn't have kids, I would do something similar, although I'm sure not as calm and badass. I have no doubt my H would too.

To the OP, I would tell my family, his family, ad any close mutual friends we had what I did, maybe not every detail, but enough to convey exactly how vile I behaved and how comPletely I betrayed him. It'll be completely embarrassing, but what better way to show that your top priority is him, not you? I would then stop trying to communicate with him and get myself into the best counseling I could afford.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScorchedEarth

OK, well now I feel like a dumba$$ for the years my husband was betraying me and I didn't uncover it until a few months ago (although, in retrospect there was a lot of denial going on. I knew something was up, but didn't want to think he could do THAT to me). 

Anyway, I think there are pieces of the puzzle missing too. Or maybe he's a no-nonsense kind of guy and just isn't going to put up with it. Just seems to be moving way too quickly...


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## CleanJerkSnatch

F-102 said:


> Many BS's will see accusations of cheating (like Myka did to her H) as a "red flag". He probably Googled: "Wife falsely accusing infidelity" or somesuch, and came across many sites that said that it was a "classic" red flag of someone doing the same thing that they were accused of. Many of those sites (He may have even come across THIS one!) advise keyloggers, phone bills, e-mails, etc., and he decided to have a look.
> 
> He found exactly what he was praying he wouldn't find.


This is what I figured.


Myka, you say you can't even imagine telling your parents or his. That's the mentality that is keeping you from winning your husband back. Why should you care? Better yet, why should your husband care if you care more about yourself? The truth is the truth and if you'd rather hide and keep yourself as a wolf in sheep's clothing, the angel, the innocent stainless lamb, at the cost of your husband/marriage than so be it.

Call his mother and tell her the truth and ask her to beg to her son for you, to allow you to communicate your confession the least. You're basically getting the 180 from your husband and it seems he's ready to D.


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## stevehowefan

If this is legit, maybe her husband has been cruising TAM. I feel fairly confident if my wife EVER cheated on me, I'd have the skills necessary to not only find out, but have the technology to use, coping skills during, and coping skills after. This dude is the Chuck Norris of betrayed husbands.


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## Ovid

I don't know if you're coming back, but I actually thought of something that may help you.

When my W begged it felt like manipulation. It wasn't until she owned what she did, took credit for 100% of the affair, not the marriage. The marriage is 50/50, but she did own the affair 100%. She then promised to meet my demands for R.

You don't have his demands, so that part will be tough. You're going to have to own this if you want any chance at getting him back. I'm sure of that much.


----------



## Myka

There's a lot to update, but I am going to try and answer questions first. If I miss your question I'm sorry.

1. I didn't go away. I fell asleep because I had taken prescription sleep medication and wasn't used to it. I wound up oversleeping then calling out to work sick. I filled my day today with things relating to this. I'll explain better in the update.

2. I'm not sorry I got caught. I'm sorry there was a reason for me to get caught. I should never have done any of this and that's what I am sorry about.

3. I never met the guy in Utah in real life. I had no interest in meeting him. It's hard for me to explain because it's so stupid, but the truth is I wasn't interested in any kind of real relationship with him. What made him appealing was that he could only be a fantasy. He wasn't real to me. The thought of actually being with him was and is unappealing. I realize more and more this was all about me getting attention, and he gave me a lot of it. Any text or email and he responded within minutes. If I texted I was getting on the game he would get on right away. I didn't want him but I did love the attention. I wasn't turned on by the sexting. I went along with it because I felt like it was what I had to do to keep him interested. I convinced myself I loved him, but honestly I really didn't. I was infatuated at best. I could never picture myself actually being with him.

4. The emails were complete. I deleted them, but I didn't empty my trash, so he probably got them there. All of the texts he printed were the ones I sent. The chat in the game was all what I sent. 

5. I started neglecting my husband some early on. About a week into this, when I still thought he was just an online friend but he had just told me he had feelings for me.

6. I'm not trickle truthing, lying, or looking for easy answers. The timeline is as accurate as I can make it at the moment. If something is off it's not intentional. I'm not 100% in my right mind right now. I know I need help. I din't see how anyone could give me sound advice if I wrong information. I know there are no easy answers so I don't expect it.

7. I'm certain this was not a trick played on me by my husband. If this was all an elaborate scheme by my husband, then I am still at fault. I'm the one that had the options to make the right or wrong decisions.


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## terrence4159

myka not to be mean im not going to sa sorry for what has happened, but to help you out a bit read changingme's thread she was cheating but she did all the right thing all the right way. she pardon the expression MANNED UP and did all the right things.

she outted herself to all his family and all their friends. she called them all as soon as she got busted. she is my hero for the way she stepped up you need to do what she did if you want any i mean any hope of saving this


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## Myka

8. I am able to afford the bills. I work. My husband makes more than double what I make but we live in a small country house and drive modest cars. We were saving more than half our income so we could have an early retirement together. When he left he took half of our savings, but there still enough in the bank for me to live a few years on if I wasn't working. I make enough to pay all of the bills on my own. When he was here he paid all of the bills. I only bought the groceries. Half of my income went into savings, and the rest was disposable income.


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## terrence4159

and i believe her story because if my wife started doing what she did she would come home from work will all her stuff in a u haul. no confrontations no 2nd chances (yeah xw cheated on me so will never confront again just move on)


----------



## Myka

So the update. I woke up late and called out to work sick. I actually did manage to catch a cold on top of everything. 

I started by sending another email to my husband. I didn't beg this time. I simply said how sorry I was and that I will do whatever he wants. 

I called my parents first. They were supportive but made it clear that I screwed up. My mother cried.

I told my best friend. She yelled at me. Told me to put on my big girl panties and talk to his parents.

I went to his parents house. My mother in law wouldn't talk to me. She only said that her son had been drinking heavily the past few days, and that she was worried for him. She told me it was my fault for being a *****. My father in law came and sat on the porch with me. I confessed everything and apologized for all of it. I told him it was all my fault, and what a wonderful husband his son has been. He told me he would talk to him, but that I wasn't welcome back without my husband.

My husband emailed me back. I had to meet him in a restaurant for an early dinner. He told me If he caught me lying about anything he would finish what I started.

When I got there he gave me two sets of papers. The first set was just divorce papers. They split everything 50/50. The second set was hes demands for reconciliation which also included divorce papers, but those divorce papers split everything two thirds in his favor. 

He said I could choose but either way I need to sign one. I agreed to sign the papers in his favor in exchange for him to make an attempt to reconcile. 

For his terms I have to:
1. Pay for weekly counseling for myself. More if needed.
2. Pay for weekly marriage counseling. More if needed.
3. Destroy all clothes I wore while talking to the guy, or anything I sent a picture of myself in.
4. Replace our bed, pillows, sheets.
5. Get rid of my smart phone and get one with minimal capabilities.
6. Give him complete access to everything. Full transparency.
7. Answer any questions he has when he has them as often as he wants.
8. Have no contact with the other man ever. He doesn't even want a no contact letter. Nothing at all. That's not a problem. I haven't talked to him at all since this started.
9. Tell our church, my family, his family, and my friends.
10. I have to take care of the bed, sheets, pillows, and clothes before he will move back in. 
11. I have to give him a complete timeline of everything, and fill in any blanks. If anything is missing or if I lie in any way he said he's done. I believe him.


----------



## Thoreau

And how do you feel about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

Thoreau said:


> And how do you feel about that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad he gave me a second chance. All of it made sense and all of it is fair. I see his point in all of this. He's really given me more than I deserve considering what I've done.


----------



## LetDownNTX

Myka said:


> So the update. I woke up late and called out to work sick. I actually did manage to catch a cold on top of everything.
> 
> I started by sending another email to my husband. I didn't beg this time. I simply said how sorry I was and that I will do whatever he wants.
> 
> I called my parents first. They were supportive but made it clear that I screwed up. My mother cried.
> 
> I told my best friend. She yelled at me. Told me to put on my big girl panties and talk to his parents.
> 
> I went to his parents house. My mother in law wouldn't talk to me. She only said that her son had been drinking heavily the past few days, and that she was worried for him. She told me it was my fault for being a *****. My father in law came and sat on the porch with me. I confessed everything and apologized for all of it. I told him it was all my fault, and what a wonderful husband his son has been. He told me he would talk to him, but that I wasn't welcome back without my husband.
> 
> My husband emailed me back. I had to meet him in a restaurant for an early dinner. He told me If he caught me lying about anything he would finish what I started.
> 
> When I got there he gave me two sets of papers. The first set was just divorce papers. They split everything 50/50. The second set was hes demands for reconciliation which also included divorce papers, but those divorce papers split everything two thirds in his favor.
> 
> He said I could choose but either way I need to sign one. I agreed to sign the papers in his favor in exchange for him to make an attempt to reconcile.
> 
> For his terms I have to:
> 1. Pay for weekly counseling for myself. More if needed.
> 2. Pay for weekly marriage counseling. More if needed.
> 3. Destroy all clothes I wore while talking to the guy, or anything I sent a picture of myself in.
> 4. Replace our bed, pillows, sheets.
> 5. Get rid of my smart phone and get one with minimal capabilities.
> 6. Give him complete access to everything. Full transparency.
> 7. Answer any questions he has when he has them as often as he wants.
> 8. Have no contact with the other man ever. He doesn't even want a no contact letter. Nothing at all. That's not a problem. I haven't talked to him at all since this started.
> 9. Tell our church, my family, his family, and my friends.
> 10. I have to take care of the bed, sheets, pillows, and clothes before he will move back in.
> 11. I have to give him a complete timeline of everything, and fill in any blanks. If anything is missing or if I lie in any way he said he's done. I believe him.


Wow he's awesome! He did good! Now of you want your husband back I suggest you do all that and then some!
Good luck, it's hard work but you should always remember to carry a majority if the load!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thoreau

Myka said:


> I'm glad he gave me a second chance. All of it made sense and all of it is fair. I see his point in all of this. He's really given me more than I deserve considering what I've done.


Absolutely. Again....he is my hero. You however, are every GOOD mans worst nightmare. I hope you realize the gift you have been given.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

LetDownNTX said:


> Wow he's awesome! He did good! Now of you want your husband back I suggest you do all that and then some!
> Good luck, it's hard work but you should always remember to carry a majority if the load!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't let him down again. This has taught me just how much he means to me and how much I need him in my life.


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## Thoreau

Why didnt you realize that before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myka

Thoreau said:


> Absolutely. Again....he is my hero. You however, are every GOOD mans worst nightmare. I hope you realize the gift you have been given.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm grateful to him for giving me another chance, and he is my hero too.


----------



## Myka

Thoreau said:


> Why didnt you realize that before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm pretty sure I filled the first part of this thread with what a selfish moron I've been.


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## Myka

I forgot to put that he's going to pick the therapists and if he doesn't like one we have to change.


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## nothingtodeclare

Sounds like H has been studying here at TAM. You have been given a gift. Make the most of it and be the faithful wife he deserves. Best wishes to you both.


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## VFW

I must say that I find this situation intriguing. You seem very contrite and have literally put your money where your mouth is in signing the lessor agreement. My question is how quickly this has changed from sexting another man, that you state you had no affection for and yet continued the relationship. You now have completely done a 180 degree turn. The change is based solely on being found out by your husband. None of this is anything new to you, no revelation or epiphany. I wonder why you think that you did something that seemingly is so against your nature and then turn back on a dime?


----------



## Myka

VFW said:


> I must say that I find this situation intriguing. You seem very contrite and have literally put your money where your mouth is in signing the lessor agreement. My question is how quickly this has changed from sexting another man, that you state you had no affection for and yet continued the relationship. You now have completely done a 180 degree turn. The change is based solely on being found out by your husband. None of this is anything new to you, no revelation or epiphany. I wonder why you think that you did something that seemingly is so against your nature and then turn back on a dime?


I know I did that horrible thing for attention. I also know I don't know why that attention was so important to me. It's just one thing I need to resolve in therapy. I need the answers to things like this so I don't do this again. My husband will need the answers to heal from what I've done.


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## Thoreau

I have not been hurt by a cheating spouse such as yourself. At all. I am as alpha as your stbxh!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Edited to add:
This post now makes no sense. Previous posts were deleted, and the context for this post is now gone. Rawr.


----------



## Jasel

Well I hope things work out for you guys. Man he really made all the right moves. Just be grateful for the 2nd chance and be willing to put in the hard work to recover from all of this. The hard part isn't over yet.


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## Myka

Jasel said:


> Well I hope things work out for you guys. Man he really made all the right moves. Just be grateful for the 2nd chance and be willing to put in the hard work to recover from all of this. The hard part isn't over yet.


I've been reading all of these threads. I know it will take a long time to earn any trust back and may not work out, but I'm willing to do whatever he needs me to for as long as it takes.


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## hookares

Myka, as bad as it appears, your transgressions aren't even close to how some spouses have been trashed. At least you didn't squirt out some other guy's kids or carry on the farce for decades.
There's really nothing you can do to repair the relationship until such a time that your husband lets you know he is interested in doing so.
All the banter about how treating your spouse well, causes loss of respect is just that. There's plenty of marriages where this isn't the case. It's just that most of the people who reside on the infidelity section of these boards think they did nothing to deserve it.
In nine out of ten cases, there's underlying causes for deceit that may not be apparent to either party.


----------



## aug

Myka said:


> For his terms I have to:
> 1. Pay for weekly counseling for myself. More if needed.
> 2. Pay for weekly marriage counseling. More if needed.
> 3. Destroy all clothes I wore while talking to the guy, or anything I sent a picture of myself in.
> 4. Replace our bed, pillows, sheets.
> 5. Get rid of my smart phone and get one with minimal capabilities.
> 6. Give him complete access to everything. Full transparency.
> 7. Answer any questions he has when he has them as often as he wants.
> 8. Have no contact with the other man ever. He doesn't even want a no contact letter. Nothing at all. That's not a problem. I haven't talked to him at all since this started.
> 9.* Tell our church,* my family, his family, and my friends.
> *10. I have to take care of the bed, sheets, pillows, and clothes before he will move back in. *
> 11. I have to give him a complete timeline of everything, and fill in any blanks. If anything is missing or if I lie in any way he said he's done. I believe him.


Church? What does church have anything to do with this? 

I also dont understand #10.


----------



## JCD

aug said:


> Church? What does church have anything to do with this?
> 
> I also dont understand #10.



I agree. The Church is a bit excessive for THIS sin. Family I'm on board with.

As far as 10, he feels his marital bed has been befouled by the guy. It's a symbolic gesture. Hubby thinks that the wife has been actively masturbating or something to the POS's pictures.

They need a fresh start. Hence, a new bed and sheets.

It's a hurdle for her to jump to prove remorse. Could be worse.


----------



## MattMatt

Myka said:


> I wasn't thinking. I am a moron and a complete fool.
> 
> *He will have to talk to me again.* What can I say to show him how sorry I truly am?


Really? What law states that?:scratchhead:


----------



## JCD

MattMatt said:


> Really? What law states that?:scratchhead:


Already a moot point.


----------



## anonim

aug said:


> Church? What does church have anything to do with this?
> 
> I also dont understand #10.


its so there is no social group she can go to and history rewrite to, church just happens to be one of those groups.


----------



## brokenhearted118

Hmmmmm.....is "anonim" the OP's husband? You seem very knowledgeable in the explanation to that last question. Inquiring minds wanna know?!


----------



## Wiserforit

Gosh, good on both of you. This one is going to work out.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

brokenhearted118 said:


> Hmmmmm.....is "anonim" the OP's husband? You seem very knowledgeable in the explanation to that last question. Inquiring minds wanna know?!


That's exactly the reasoning I thought of. He's basically giving the OP a scarlet letter as a form of penance she must bear out.

This is about as good of a situation as is possible, under the circumstances. The OP had an EA. H did every move right. Snapped the fog out and put things in their place. If every guy was like H, this board would get a lot less traffic.


----------



## totallyunexpected

I can't help but say how very very impressed I am with the BH response to his wife's betrayal. He is seriously doing everything right! If only all the recently betrayed spouses on TAM in denial and still trying to rugsweep could see this! Proof that exposure, transparency, major consequences (including divorce) provide the fastest path to saving a marriage. Not that we know the future of this one yet.

But it sounds like the OP "gets" how messed up her behavior is and that she has some MAJOR reflection and learning about boundaries to be doing. Major need for serious counseling by an experienced professional in betrayal and for serious effort on your part to get to the root of this and to affair-proof your marriage.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Myka: I figured he'd show up again eventually, and a couple days of drinking explains his behavior.

I'm glad he did come back around and is willing to give you a second chance. 

It really sounds like your H has been reading TAM!

I think you guys have a chance, a better one than most.


----------



## HappyHubby

Yeah. I could forgive this too. no sex. If there was sex I doubt the R option would have been provided so quickly


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

Wow, your hsband seems like a superb guy tbh. He has done what was necessary from the start.

Also, there are two things in this thread that was pretty interesting:

1-We promote here what should be done when you find your spouse in an affair. Yet, obviously a lot of people will brand a man as "probably cheating" or "probably already looking for a way out" if he does just that. Guess what, people? not everyone is blind enough to not see their wife completely ignoring them and text-humping some other guy. I understand it doesn't fit in with the wimpy approach of the common modern man. Apparently, there are some men who haven't lost their balls completely, yet.

2-Women arguing that red pill concepts are nonsense? Gee, what a shocker! Of course, not giving a woman everything means beating her, stealing money from her and cheating on her. Of course.


----------



## mrtickle

I still think this seems all too 'perfect' and there is a piece of info missing. Sorry for saying that.

And why would the BS want all bedsheets, pillows etc destroyed as a condition if all this was, was an online long-distance EA which only went on for a few weeks.

I know this story will go down in TAM folklore as being something to point BS's too and say 'Go look here to see how things are done' but I just feel there are red flags all over this


----------



## EleGirl

mrtickle said:


> I still think this seems all too 'perfect' and there is a piece of info missing. Sorry for saying that.
> 
> And why would the BS want all bedsheets, pillows etc destroyed as a condition if all this was, was an online long-distance EA which only went on for a few weeks.
> 
> I know this story will go down in TAM folklore as being something to point BS's too and say 'Go look here to see how things are done' but I just feel there are red flags all over this


I think the bed and sheets thing is symbolic. Remember that BS's are usually not thinking completely clearly this early on. It sounds like he was either reading here or on a couple of other forums I know of and got ideas from people. New bed is a pretty basic affair recovery thing. He probably lached on to it because the tought makes him feel better.


----------



## mrtickle

EleGirl said:


> Remember that BS's are usually not thinking completely clearly this early on.


Thats kinda been my point all along. The actions are not someone who is upset and in shock, they are of some sort of super TAM-sponsored-World-Number-One-Seed-BS in full flow....


----------



## T&T

mrtickle said:


> Thats kinda been my point all along. The actions are not someone who is upset and in shock, they are of some sort of super TAM-sponsored-World-Number-One-Seed-BS in full flow....


Or, very analytical who grabs the bull by the horns and get's shyt done.


----------



## aug

mrtickle said:


> Thats kinda been my point all along. The actions are not someone who is upset and in shock, they are of some sort of super TAM-sponsored-World-Number-One-Seed-BS in full flow....


I'm starting to lean this way too. 

If this is real, after the passing of time, Myka will eventually come to realize that her husband demands are not proportionated to what she did.


----------



## Vanguard

mrtickle said:


> Thats kinda been my point all along. The actions are not someone who is upset and in shock, they are of some sort of super TAM-sponsored-World-Number-One-Seed-BS in full flow....


Why is it that when someone does everything we tell people they should do, we immediately call that person's motives into question?

What the fvck kind of place is this?


----------



## F-102

I like how he handled it, but one thing is odd: the no "no contact letter".

If it were me, I would make sure that it was written and sent, because this OM may very well try to contact you again. But then again, it could be a "test" from your H: if he has access to everything and you have promised full transparency, he could see if you're responding to him.

And, FWIW, given the fact that it was an online game and the rapidity that the OM responded to you every time, I can't help but think that the OM is a zit-faced 15-year-old or a 30-something living in his mom's basement.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Vanguard said:


> Why is it that when someone does everything we tell people they should do, we immediately call that person's motives into question?
> 
> What the fvck kind of place is this?


It may just be the other side of the coin.

We've come to expect WS's to act, do and say some generally common things. When we don't see all theses things, we start to ask questions as to why.

When is comes to BS's, even the one's that handle it well will stumble here and there, denial, taking some responsibility for the affair, or even defending some of the actions of their WS.

We hammer on them to try to make them realize what they're doing wrong and hope they listen. It never goes as smoothly as what the WS has told us here.

This BH however seems to be an anomaly. He's like the surgical air strike of BH's. He got the job done and fast. He left his WS dazed and confused. He then give's the WS his lofty list of R demands, along with two sets of divorce papers. The WS jumps at the chance to stay married to this seeming mythical BS and the thread's only a few day's in the making.

Of course some of use are going to wonder if this is on the up and up. I wonder myself, but I also hope it's all 100% true. If so, this BS should have a statue commissioned of his likeness and it should be placed in the main hall at TAM for all to see.


----------



## mrtickle

Vanguard said:


> Why is it that when someone does everything we tell people they should do, we immediately call that person's motives into question?
> 
> What the fvck kind of place is this?


It just seems 'too' perfect, but thats only my opinion.

Besides, lets not forget here what the 'crime' is. I'm not excusing it in the slightest, but we are NOT talking about a PA. We are talking about a very (as reported) short lived EA, which the BS seemingly discovered very quickly. The chance of a PA was also low, given the geographic distance, and the OP has expressed immediate remorse. 

Given all that, the reaction of the BS seems pretty excessive all things considered. Surely, the advice provided here doesn't extend to 'as soon as you have any evidence of an EA, immediately leave the house, cut the utilities (electricity, water) off, resist dialogue with your spouse and then immediately file for divorce, offering a way back to the spouse which contains a number of measures completely disproportionate with the situation, including pushing the WS into an immediately unfavourable financial situation?

That doesn't sound like a strategy to force the WS out of the fog and into a stronger marriage, but rather force them out of the fog and into a marriage which the WS will likely look at at some point and feel resentment for the reaction.

As I say, I'm not excusing the EA, and if true the WS needs to do the heavy lifting to remedy things, but if the timeline and actions are accurate, it looks like something had either happened before, or the BS has reason to think it may have done.


----------



## mrtickle

F-102 said:


> And, FWIW, given the fact that it was an online game and the rapidity that the OM responded to you every time, I can't help but think that the OM is a zit-faced 15-year-old or a 30-something living in his mom's basement.


Or her husband


----------



## Jasel

F-102 said:


> I like how he handled it, but one thing is odd: the no "no contact letter".
> 
> If it were me, I would make sure that it was written and sent, because this OM may very well try to contact you again. But then again, it could be a "test" from your H: if he has access to everything and you have promised full transparency, he could see if you're responding to him.
> 
> And, FWIW, given the fact that it was an online game and the rapidity that the OM responded to you every time, I can't help but think that the OM is a zit-faced 15-year-old or a 30-something living in his mom's basement.


I don't think a no contact letter is necessary unless this is some guy she knows in person or the husband changes his mind and wants her to send one. If she doesn't contact him again herself eventually he should get the hint if he hasn't already.

A word of advice to Myka though. If this guy DOES reach out again tell your husband IMMEDIATELY and show him the email ASAP. I know a few stories of WS here who either didn't tell the BS about the attempted contact soon enough, tried to hide the fact that there was an attempt by the AP at all, or told the AP not to contact them again without informing the BS and it blew up every time and flushed the reconcilliation down the toilet.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana

mrtickle said:


> Besides, lets not forget here what the 'crime' is. I'm not excusing it in the slightest, but we are NOT talking about a PA. We are talking about a very (as reported) short lived EA, which the BS seemingly discovered very quickly. The chance of a PA was also low, given the geographic distance, and the OP has expressed immediate remorse.
> 
> Given all that, the reaction of the BS seems pretty excessive all things considered. Surely, the advice provided here doesn't extend to 'as soon as you have any evidence of an EA, immediately leave the house, cut the utilities (electricity, water) off, resist dialogue with your spouse and then immediately file for divorce, offering a way back to the spouse which contains a number of measures completely disproportionate with the situation, including pushing the WS into an immediately unfavourable financial situation?


Dude sorry, but not every one of us guys will stay and kiss ass after a woman has started exchanging "I love you"s with another guy. 

So what if the OM is at another state? Would they have not met at some point? Would the guy have passed a chance at free nookie? 

And it was short lived? Orly? 4 weeks is short lived? And it would have continued on, if the BH wasn't as swift and decisive as he was. 

Not to mention, she still sounds totally entitled. "I thought I would stop it if he ever caught me and we could just go back to be the same." If the WS gets resentful because of those demands that he made, guess what? A guy this strong will not fear showing her the door.


----------



## mrtickle

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> And it was short lived? Orly? 4 weeks is short lived? And it would have continued on, if the BH wasn't as swift and decisive as he was.


There's swift and decisive, and then there is....well, this

I agree, the EA would have progressed without this action, but could have probably been stopped less drastically and I wonder about the long term cost in terms of the stability of any future reconciliation.

Look, regardless of the validity or otherwise of any of this, for a BS who is confronted by this info and immediately reacts in the way he did, is not exhibiting any signs of shock or disbelief which you would normally associate with this kind of situation and therefore must either have already been happy enough to check-out of the marriage, or must have thought this was the tip of the iceberg.

I think the reason people are usually stunned and don't think straight, is due to the emotion they have invested in the relationship and their belief that they had something really good, so the infidelity blindsides them in some way. 

This is the way I would react if I had been seeing a woman for six months and didn't have all that emotional investment, which is why I really think there is a missing piece to the puzzle here somewhere.


----------



## workindad

OP- have there been any recent attempts by your OM to contact you?


----------



## T&T

mrtickle said:


> It just seems 'too' perfect, but thats only my opinion.
> 
> Besides, lets not forget here what the 'crime' is. I'm not excusing it in the slightest, but we are NOT talking about a PA. We are talking about a very (as reported) short lived EA, which the BS seemingly discovered very quickly. The chance of a PA was also low, given the geographic distance, and the OP has expressed immediate remorse.
> 
> Given all that, the reaction of the BS seems pretty excessive all things considered. Surely, the advice provided here doesn't extend to 'as soon as you have any evidence of an EA, immediately leave the house, cut the utilities (electricity, water) off, resist dialogue with your spouse and then immediately file for divorce, offering a way back to the spouse which contains a number of measures completely disproportionate with the situation, including pushing the WS into an immediately unfavourable financial situation?
> 
> That doesn't sound like a strategy to force the WS out of the fog and into a stronger marriage, but rather force them out of the fog and into a marriage which the WS will likely look at at some point and feel resentment for the reaction.
> 
> As I say, I'm not excusing the EA, and if true the WS needs to do the heavy lifting to remedy things, but if the timeline and actions are accurate, it looks like something had either happened before, or the BS has reason to think it may have done.


Nude photo's! Are you kidding?

He's more of a man than me. Not a chance in hell I would have given her a second chance. Eff that!!

I *can't* and *won't* accept betrayal. It just not in my nature. I'm not sure if that a good thing or bad thing, but it is what it is...


----------



## TeaLeaves4

mrtickle said:


> I still think this seems all too 'perfect' and there is a piece of info missing. Sorry for saying that.
> 
> And why would the BS want all bedsheets, pillows etc destroyed as a condition if all this was, was an online long-distance EA which only went on for a few weeks.
> 
> I know this story will go down in TAM folklore as being something to point BS's too and say 'Go look here to see how things are done' but I just feel there are red flags all over this


....a BS fantasy of how they wish they would have handled things and a warning/ PSA for all potential WS. That's how I see this. It's too perfect on his side and on hers. Not the only one I've seen on this site. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carmen ohio

Dear Myka,

Please do not listen to posters who say that your husband's reaction to your infidelity was excessive or that his conditions for reconciliation are disproportionate. Neither is true. I guess some people just don't want to believe that there are betrayed spouses who don't need TAM to know how to deal with infidelity, or maybe they just like to play provocateur.

As several other posters have noted, your husband did just about everything right. By reacting swiftly and dramatically, he snapped you out of your fog immediately and probably regained some of his lost self-respect making it easier for him to give you a second chance.

Wishing you and your husband a successful recovery.


----------



## EleGirl

Myka, 

I do hope that you still will read the books I suggested. Here is why.

They will help you in figuring out why you did this.

They will explain why the no-contact letter is so important. Your husband told you that he does not want you to send a no-contact letter. But if you do not the OM will likely try to contact you again. Then you will have to tell your husband and it will cause more problems. You will most likely need to send a no contact letter at some time. Just make sure that is you hear from the OM, just tell your husband and let him handle it.

Another issue is that a pretty large percentage of BS (betrayed spouses) end up having revenge affairs. A lot of the protects that your husband is asking you to do.. like being totally transparent, he has to do as well. He is now vulnerable too.

If the two of you read those books, the books will point this out and tell the two of you what BOTH of you need to do to protect your selves from all the devistation that affairs rain upon couples.


----------



## Dreald

Waiting for the proverbial, "NAWALT!" comment.

B.S. AWALT. It's just a matter of time. 

Guys, it's threads like this that make most of us resolute in realizing that marrying a woman is a STUPID, STUPID MISTAKE. 

While it's true that NAWALT(!), the chance of you finding that one isn't worth the risk of losing half of your belongings. And 70-90% of the time, you have no choice in the decision. 

Is it any wonder why so many men are giving up on marriage?? It seems that at least 1x/week we're given articles about how there are no "good men left".

I'd propose to the female collective, we've always been there....but now we've become awake. And choose to no longer play the (losing) game you're proposing.


----------



## Dreald

Myka said:


> I'm glad he gave me a second chance. All of it made sense and all of it is fair. I see his point in all of this. He's really given me more than I deserve considering what I've done.


Not only should you be remorseful for what you did to him, you should be GRATEFUL that he's willing to consider having you back.

If the shoe were on the other foot, what would YOU do? I imagine you would've left his butt and collected some nice parting presents....

IMO, he's far better of a person than you've shown to be. If you have ANY chance of saving your marriage, you'd better grow up and quick. The princess pedestal has been taken away from you --- and for good reason.


----------



## MrQuatto

I have been on these boards a very long time and have seen many many threads over the years. There is no set of rules or actions that always work or always fail. 

What is given here is strictly opinion. There is no one size fits all answer, action or outcome.


----------



## T&T

Dreald said:


> Waiting for the proverbial, "NAWALT!" comment.
> 
> B.S. AWALT. It's just a matter of time.
> 
> Guys, it's threads like this that make most of us resolute in realizing that marrying a woman is a STUPID, STUPID MISTAKE.
> 
> While it's true that NAWALT(!), the chance of you finding that one isn't worth the risk of losing half of your belongings. And 70-90% of the time, you have no choice in the decision.
> 
> Is it any wonder why so many men are giving up on marriage?? It seems that at least 1x/week we're given articles about how there are no "good men left".
> 
> *I'd propose to the female collective, we've always been there....but now we've become awake. * And choose to no longer play the (losing) game you're proposing.


If that's how you feel that's fine, but please don't try and speak for all/most men.

I'm married and quite happy, thank you. Many men are.


----------



## Kasler

Its not too out of the park. 

Old mittens (Find his thread in private did much of the same. Found out, moved out, moved back in for the kids, but he knew the marriage was done so moved back out. Completely manned up on day one, very impressive and I wished I took similar actions and had that attitude instead of having 4 paranoid months of false R. He filed D and moved on from a wife who was busy fking his best friend in his home. 

Yes this guy sounds like super betrayed spouse, but there are MANY men who paint infidelity with very black and white strokes. 

And he may have been cheated on in the past. 

One thing that pains me is that despite how much I love my Gf who I have a child with is that I know(i just do, can't explain it) that if I got any kind of infidelity from her I'd take my son and be gone so quick I'd leave an afterimage. 

Infidelity has changed me from the man I was, maybe he experienced some as well. 

Therefore, I don't think 1 fish swimming in the opposite direction of the common BSs needs to be a conspiracy.


----------



## Dreald

T&T said:


> If that's how you feel that's fine, but please don't try and speak for all/most men.
> 
> I'm married and quite happy, thank you. Many men are.


Consider yourself lucky -- you found a woman who loves and respects you.

But I'll take umbrage with what you wrote -- if I'm wrong, then why is the recent Pew research poll indicating otherwise? 

Why Young Men are Giving Up on Marriage


----------



## MrQuatto

Dreald said:


> Consider yourself lucky -- you found a woman who loves and respects you.
> 
> But I'll take umbrage with what you wrote -- if I'm wrong, then why is the recent Pew research poll indicating otherwise?
> 
> Why Young Men are Giving Up on Marriage


And all this relates to this thread how exactly? Myka is the OP and is asking for help. How is this helping her?


----------



## Dreald

MrQuatto said:


> And all this relates to this thread how exactly? Myka is the OP and is asking for help. How is this helping her?


Ask the poster who said that I'm speaking for all men (which I never claimed I was).....


----------



## Myka

To anser some questions. 

My husband is a very balack and white thinker. He is analytical, and he is a very grab the bull by the horns type person. He has probably looked at dozens of sites about this. He tend to research things, find the best advice, then act. He has been this way as long as I've known him.

The reason for telling the church. We took our vows in that church. I violated those vows. We will retake our vows if the reconciliation goes well, but I will not get to have any illusions as to why we are retaking our vows.

The bed is a hard one for me to admit to. I was chatting with the guy in Utah while my husband was sleeping in bed next to me. He wants that memory erased. So the bed, sheets, pillows must all go. The same with any clothes I wore around that time. I agree completely with his thinking.

He is not breaking me financially like someone said. 

I believe he has good reasons for everything he demanded. Like the favorable divorce papers. He was taking a chance taking me back. He wanted me to show I was willing to do the same.


----------



## Myka

A quick update. 

I ordered some books that Ele suggested and am looking forward to reading them. I also ordered our new bed and had a full day shopping for clothes and bed sheets. I've decided to replace all of my clothes to be sure I don't miss anything. I actually bought them more to his taste. I'm hoping he likes them.

He's not coming home until I've got the new bed and clothes in place, but we do have a date tonight, so I will be going after this post.

Oh. The no contact. My husband wants to handle it. The guy has sent me a few emails, but I haven't opened them. I told my husband about them, and will let him decide if he wants to read or delete them.

I don't have the same phone number now, so there's no concern for me about him texting.


----------



## PastOM

Good luck on your date! Keep it up.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Myka:*

Wish you the strength, patience and forbearance that a REAL Reconciliation requires.



This was what happened when a girl hit upon your husband some time ago (before he discovered your cyber affair):

(In your own words): _“I was having a stupid argument with my husband about a month and a half ago. I thought he was talking to some girl online. I demanded to see everything. He opened up to me completely. Showed me his email and everything else I asked to see. I did see a facebook exchange from two days before.* There was nothing in the conversation to be upset about until the end when she said something kind of flirty. He replied back and said that her comment was inappropriate, and that there would be no further contact if it continued.* She apologized and then there was nothing else.”
_

*THIS should have stopped you short from your budding affair.* This outstanding, upright behavior by your husband, and the commitment he displayed towards his marriage to you.

You should have felt immense pride in him, and turned around.

That you didn’t, that you went after a sex scavenger even after that, will corrode his self-worth and sense of integrity, and he would wonder about the real value of practicing integrity in today’s world, and specifically, in his marriage to you.


And the next time a girl hits upon him thus, will he respond with such uprightness and fidelity?

*You cannot tell anymore, right?*

That is a great loss there, Lady. *You have squandered HIS integrity.*

Please factor that in, when you draw up your new marital boundaries. *The next time some man hits upon you, YOU practice that kind of integrity – whether he (your husband) still does or not.*

Go over and beyond.

*He is worth it.*


Best of luck.


----------



## Theseus

Myka said:


> When I got there he gave me two sets of papers. The first set was just divorce papers. They split everything 50/50. The second set was hes demands for reconciliation which also included divorce papers, but those divorce papers split everything two thirds in his favor.
> 
> He said I could choose but either way I need to sign one. I agreed to sign the papers in his favor in exchange for him to make an attempt to reconcile.



Some people have remarked how incredibly quick this timeline was. I can't help thinking of the possibility of him engineering this whole situation as a way of getting you to sign divorce papers favorable to him. Stranger things have happened.

Myka, it was your decision to sign them, but I recommend that you insist that one day both sets of divorce papers are destroyed after trust has been established. You can't live the rest of your life in a marriage with divorce papers hanging over your head. If trust is wrecked that badly, then divorce is the better option.




> For his terms I have to:
> 1. Pay for weekly counseling for myself. More if needed.
> 2. Pay for weekly marriage counseling. More if needed.
> 3. Destroy all clothes I wore while talking to the guy, or anything I sent a picture of myself in.
> 4. Replace our bed, pillows, sheets.
> 5. Get rid of my smart phone and get one with minimal capabilities.
> 6. Give him complete access to everything. Full transparency.
> 7. Answer any questions he has when he has them as often as he wants.
> 8. Have no contact with the other man ever. He doesn't even want a no contact letter. Nothing at all. That's not a problem. I haven't talked to him at all since this started.
> 9. Tell our church, my family, his family, and my friends.
> 10. I have to take care of the bed, sheets, pillows, and clothes before he will move back in.
> 11. I have to give him a complete timeline of everything, and fill in any blanks. If anything is missing or if I lie in any way he said he's done. I believe him.



I'm going to have to agree with those that say these terms are quite extreme for an emotional affair, particularly a first time EA - especially 3,4,9, & 10. I certainly understand the marriage counseling, but I'm also confused what the purpose of your individual counseling is. You deceived your husband; it's not a psychiatric condition. 

Add to that his rather quick and extreme reaction in the first place, without even bothering to confront you directly. What would his response to a physical affair be? A shotgun blast?

All this self-flagellating in front of family, friends, church, and burning clothes and sheets just seems awfully extreme over an affair with someone that you never even met. I'm surprised he didn't insist you be tested for STDs... (or maybe he will?)

Now, having said all that - before people jump on me, I am not making excuses for the WW or the OM or anyone. I don't know either of them from Adam. I just don't see an EA on the same level as a PA and I am pointing this out because in her haste to get her husband back, I just hope Myka doesn't agree to anything without thinking it through. The husband is obviously greatly hurt, and he's not going to forgive and forget anytime soon, and things may be very unpleasant. There are worse things than divorce, like living the rest of your life in misery. Just keep that in mind.


----------



## BobSimmons

carmen ohio said:


> Dear Myka,
> 
> Please do not listen to posters who say that your husband's reaction to your infidelity was excessive or that his conditions for reconciliation are disproportionate. Neither is true. I guess some people just don't want to believe that there are betrayed spouses who don't need TAM to know how to deal with infidelity, or maybe they just like to play provocateur.
> 
> As several other posters have noted, your husband did just about everything right. By reacting swiftly and dramatically, he snapped you out of your fog immediately and probably regained some of his lost self-respect making it easier for him to give you a second chance.
> 
> Wishing you and your husband a successful recovery.


wow finally!:smthumbup:


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Out of curiosity, when did you cheat or do something similar to him before you were married?


----------



## Myka

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Out of curiosity, when did you cheat or do something similar to him before you were married?


I have never done anything like this before.


----------



## Myka

Theseus said:


> Some people have remarked how incredibly quick this timeline was. I can't help thinking of the possibility of him engineering this whole situation as a way of getting you to sign divorce papers favorable to him. Stranger things have happened.
> 
> Myka, it was your decision to sign them, but I recommend that you insist that one day both sets of divorce papers are destroyed after trust has been established. You can't live the rest of your life in a marriage with divorce papers hanging over your head. If trust is wrecked that badly, then divorce is the better option.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going to have to agree with those that say these terms are quite extreme for an emotional affair, particularly a first time EA - especially 3,4,9, & 10. I certainly understand the marriage counseling, but I'm also confused what the purpose of your individual counseling is. You deceived your husband; it's not a psychiatric condition.
> 
> 
> 
> Add to that his rather quick and extreme reaction in the first place, without even bothering to confront you directly. What would his response to a physical affair be? A shotgun blast?
> 
> All this self-flagellating in front of family, friends, church, and burning clothes and sheets just seems awfully extreme over an affair with someone that you never even met. I'm surprised he didn't insist you be tested for STDs... (or maybe he will?)
> 
> Now, having said all that - before people jump on me, I am not making excuses for the WW or the OM or anyone. I don't know either of them from Adam. I just don't see an EA on the same level as a PA and I am pointing this out because in her haste to get her husband back, I just hope Myka doesn't agree to anything without thinking it through. The husband is obviously greatly hurt, and he's not going to forgive and forget anytime soon, and things may be very unpleasant. There are worse things than divorce, like living the rest of your life in misery. Just keep that in mind.



3, 4, 9, and 10. All make sense to me.

He wants to remove what he sees as reminders. I have already taken care of most of these. He believes it will be harder for him to move on if he has constant reminders of what happened in his face. I agree. I don't see it as excessive. I'm more than happy to do what it takes to help him get past this.

On our date last night we talked a lot about the divorce papers and his reconciliation list. We also discussed ways to strengthen our marriage so there will never be a repeat. He decided to modify nine. He thinks it would be better if I just discussed the issue with our pastor. I think this a much better way to do it, rather than the other. In the end I have to go with what he thinks. The divorce papers will be shredded when or if we renew our vows.

The real problem we're having is that he believes the only reason I didn't sleep with the guy is the distance between us. In his mind it was a physical affair that I simply wasn't able to consumate. he truth is the distance is part of what made it appealing. There is no way to prove that and my husband is not a mind reader, so he will never really know. He asked me a lot of tough questions last night, but this is the only place where we really got stuck.

A few people have said his reaction was excessive, and the terms are excessive, but in the end only my husband knows what he needs to deal with this. I don't believe this will be a forever problem, unless I block his attempts to heal from it by not accepting what he needs. 

I have to admit on some levels I actually enjoyed yesterdays shopping spree. I just wish it had been for a good reason, and not a result of this.

The therapy is to do some introspection. Both to see if there are things that contributed to my behavior, and also to help me through this. He will be taking himself to therapy as well.

We talked about selling our house and getting one closer to his work. We both agree that our time apart has a lot to do with what happened and that his two hour commute is a big reason for that.


----------



## Myka

carpenoctem said:


> *She was ALREADY having telephone make-out sessions (though they had not gotten too heavy (nude pics, etc), when she accused him of it.*


No. at this point the guy was still an online friend. It progressed into more right after. Just as bad.


----------



## Myka

carpenoctem said:


> That is a great loss there, Lady. *You have squandered HIS integrity.*


I squandered his trust. His integrity remains in tact. If he did lose that then yes I would have to say that I created the situation that left him volnerable, but he would still be the one that made the decision, just as I was the one that made the poor decisions I made.


----------



## Myka

VFW said:


> I must say that I find this situation intriguing. You seem very contrite and have literally put your money where your mouth is in signing the lessor agreement. My question is how quickly this has changed from sexting another man, that you state you had no affection for and yet continued the relationship. You now have completely done a 180 degree turn. The change is based solely on being found out by your husband. None of this is anything new to you, no revelation or epiphany. I wonder why you think that you did something that seemingly is so against your nature and then turn back on a dime?


I really am ashamed of the things I did. I have a hard time reconciling why it let it happen and why I let it get so out of control. I think my husbands reaction showed me life without him in an instant, and it was miserable. When I saw what I was losing I saw what I was doing in a clearer light. I knew then how wrong I was and what was truly important to me.


----------



## Myka

Ovid said:


> I should add my conclusion on Dday was that it moved so fast because either
> 1. She planned to have an A.
> 2. She didn't consider me at all. I was a meal ticket not her H.
> 
> If your story is true then he likely feels the same.


He stated both of these things to me about how he felt when he found out.


----------



## PastOM

Myka said:


> I squandered his trust. His integrity remains in tact.


Made me take a deep breath. Keep it up! Sounds like you are not only doing the right thing, but you are living it. I for one applaud your commitment to providing the framework for a full R.


----------



## Myka

PastOM said:


> Made me take a deep breath. Keep it up! Sounds like you are not only doing the right thing, but you are living it. I for one applaud your commitment to providing the framework for a full R.


Thank you.


I would appreciate any advice on doing the reconciliation right. I know there are people here who have done both sides of it, and people who tried but it didn't work out. Any insight as to what was done right or wrong would be very helpful. 

It would also be good to know what to expect when he comes home. I know he won't be a cookie cutter copy of someone else, but it would be good to know the traps and pitfalls others have faced.


----------



## Openminded

Read the Reconciliation thread. It will give you an idea. 

The spouse trying to reconcile with the cheater often faces strong triggers for a very long time. In some cases, those triggers never go away. R is hard to do and you, as the cheater, should be doing the heavy lifting. Whatever your spouse needs from you in order to R, you should provide. If he needs to discuss it a billion times then that's what you need to do. A lot of cheaters feel that their spouse should at some point "just get over it." Don't do that.


----------



## Myka

Openminded said:


> Read the Reconciliation thread. It will give you an idea.
> 
> The spouse trying to reconcile with the cheater often faces strong triggers for a very long time. In some cases, those triggers never go away. R is hard to do and you, as the cheater, should be doing the heavy lifting. Whatever your spouse needs from you in order to R, you should provide. If he needs to discuss it a billion times then that's what you need to do. A lot of cheaters feel that their spouse should at some point "just get over it." Don't do that.


I hope he does get through this quickly, but I know it will probably be a long time before life returns to normal.


----------



## Openminded

Myka said:


> I hope he does get through this quickly, but I know it will probably be a long time before life returns to normal.


In many cases, it's years. So be prepared for all possibilities.

Often, the old marriage is gone and a new one has to be negotiated.


----------



## Myka

Openminded said:


> Often, the old marriage is gone and a new one has to be negotiated.


I think that is some of the reasoning my husband has for renewing vows if we reconcile successfully. He said some things last night about building a new better marriage.


----------



## aug

So, is your husband monitoring this thread? Are you assuming that he is?


----------



## Myka

aug said:


> So, is your husband monitoring this thread? Are you assuming that he is?


I was surprised by how much information he had, so it's very possible. I try not to think about it.


----------



## Theseus

Myka said:


> The divorce papers will be shredded when or if we renew our vows.


That part makes sense at least. I wish you all the best Myka.


----------



## Myka

Myka said:


> I was surprised by how much information he had, so it's very possible. I try not to think about it.


I wanted to add to this a bit.

At some point in the marriage I decided it was alright to have my secrets. I now realise that played a part in my actions. If I had been completely open about everything I was doing I never would have felt comfortable doing what I did. Now, I know better and believe my husband has a right to know about everything I do. If he sees this, he has a right to.

I try not to think about it though. I see my actions in this forum as being for me, so I don't want to post here with the idea in my head of how will my husband see this. I need to be able to post freely here.


----------



## mrtickle

So what we basically have here is :

* A BS who acted in EXACTLY the recommended way and appeared to do so without any of the usual emotions associated with betrayal. Essentially, he didn't put a foot wrong.

* A WS who showed immediate remorse and willingness to R and formally cut all ties with the EA partner.

* A reconciliation proposed by the BS based on a number of distinct measures/conditions which has been unconditionally accepted by the WS

Basically, between the Super-Spouse and the self-flagellating WS there is nothing to see here now is there?

It's as perfect a case of affair-busting, fog-busting and perfect reconciliation as you could wish to see. All in the space of 48hrs!


----------



## PastOM

mrtickle said:


> It's as perfect a case of affair-busting, fog-busting and perfect reconciliation as you could wish to see. All in the space of 48hrs!


Powerball + Powerplay indeed!


----------



## Myka

mrtickle said:


> So what we basically have here is :
> 
> * A BS who acted in EXACTLY the recommended way and appeared to do so without any of the usual emotions associated with betrayal. Essentially, he didn't put a foot wrong.
> 
> * A WS who showed immediate remorse and willingness to R and formally cut all ties with the EA partner.
> 
> * A reconciliation proposed by the BS based on a number of distinct measures/conditions which has been unconditionally accepted by the WS
> 
> Basically, between the Super-Spouse and the self-flagellating WS there is nothing to see here now is there?
> 
> It's as perfect a case of affair-busting, fog-busting and perfect reconciliation as you could wish to see. All in the space of 48hrs!


48 hours for you maybe. It's been five days for me and my husband still isn't home. He's been drinking heavily and he's sitting on some very favorable divorce papers. This is absolutely nerve wracking. This could all turn very sour in an instant.

I really fail to see the perfection in it. I really wish my husband had confronted me in the beginning. I know he had his reasons, but I think things might be better right now. 

I can't help but feel that things are far from ideal right now. 

I'm not self-flagellating. I made some very bad choices, and I'm owning up to them. Maybe I'm too much of a wreck to think straight. Who wouldn't be?


----------



## warlock07

mrtickle said:


> It just seems 'too' perfect, but thats only my opinion.
> 
> Besides, lets not forget here what the 'crime' is. I'm not excusing it in the slightest, but we are NOT talking about a PA. We are talking about a very (as reported) short lived EA, which the BS seemingly discovered very quickly. The chance of a PA was also low, given the geographic distance, and the OP has expressed immediate remorse.
> 
> Given all that, the reaction of the BS seems pretty excessive all things considered. Surely, the advice provided here doesn't extend to 'as soon as you have any evidence of an EA, immediately leave the house, cut the utilities (electricity, water) off, resist dialogue with your spouse and then immediately file for divorce, offering a way back to the spouse which contains a number of measures completely disproportionate with the situation, including pushing the WS into an immediately unfavourable financial situation?
> 
> That doesn't sound like a strategy to force the WS out of the fog and into a stronger marriage, but rather force them out of the fog and into a marriage which the WS will likely look at at some point and feel resentment for the reaction.
> 
> As I say, I'm not excusing the EA, and if true the WS needs to do the heavy lifting to remedy things, but if the timeline and actions are accurate, it looks like something had either happened before, or the BS has reason to think it may have done.



Because you are the exact anti-thesis of this guy. I am not trying to be snarky here. You and Myka's BS are exact opposites. May be something to think about there tickle ?


----------



## PastOM

Myka said:


> 48 hours for you maybe. It's been five days for me and my husband still isn't home. He's been drinking heavily and he's sitting on some very favorable divorce papers. This is absolutely nerve wracking. This could all turn very sour in an instant.


I'm a newbe ... IMO - TAM is littered with mistakes on BS and WS sides for the best chance at a real R. Both you and H have played by the book for getting this going. Stick at it. Stay focused.


----------



## warlock07

Myka said:


> A quick update.
> 
> * I've decided to replace all of my clothes to be sure I don't miss anything.*


You probably wanted new clothes


----------



## warlock07

mrtickle said:


> So what we basically have here is :
> 
> * A BS who acted in EXACTLY the recommended way and appeared to do so without any of the usual emotions associated with betrayal. Essentially, he didn't put a foot wrong.
> 
> * A WS who showed immediate remorse and willingness to R and formally cut all ties with the EA partner.
> 
> * A reconciliation proposed by the BS based on a number of distinct measures/conditions which has been unconditionally accepted by the WS
> 
> Basically, between the Super-Spouse and the self-flagellating WS there is nothing to see here now is there?
> 
> It's as perfect a case of affair-busting, fog-busting and perfect reconciliation as you could wish to see. All in the space of 48hrs!


Why are so stuck up about the veracity of this thread ? It is almost as if you are jealous about something ?


----------



## Myka

warlock07 said:


> You probably wanted new clothes


I think I actually admitted that I enjoyed the shopping. :/


----------



## Myka

PastOM said:


> I'm a newbe ... IMO - TAM is littered with mistakes on BS and WS sides for the best chance at a real R. Both you and H have played by the book for getting this going. Stick at it. Stay focused.


Thank you. I needed some encouragement.


----------



## mrtickle

warlock07 said:


> Because you are the exact anti-thesis of this guy. I am not trying to be snarky here. You and Myka's BS are exact opposites. May be something to think about there tickle ?


I wondered how long it would take someone to say 'you should look at this guy as an example of how to do it'.

Warlock...we are all different and the situations are different for a multitude of reasons. I agree that I didn't act soon enough, but I'm not sure it would have made much difference. I'm still on that emotional rollercoaster, and the multitude of emotions I've been going through since dday and the 'BS Fog' that surrounds it, is one of the reasons I struggle to understand the reaction from this particular BS



warlock07 said:


> Why are so stuck up about the veracity of this thread ? It is almost as if you are jealous about something ?


Because, as I've said, there feels like something is missing with this story. The timing, the action taken, the reconciliation conditions and the reaction. Look, it may all be valid and there may not be anything we don't know from the backstory, but if it is then it is certainly extremely atypical behaviour from the BS (and the WS, to some extent).

As for jealousy. No. I'm not one of the advocates to such shock-and-awe tactics on first discovery of an EA. It may be effective short-term, but I'm not sure what the long term ramifications would be.

And as an aside, I don't think it is helpful to cross-pollenate threads. This thread is about Myka's story, not mine or anyone elses.


----------



## waiwera

Myka said:


> I really fail to see the perfection in it. I really wish my husband had confronted me in the beginning. I know he had his reasons, but I think things might be better right now.
> 
> I can't help but feel that things are far from ideal right now.
> 
> I'm not self-flagellating. I made some very bad choices, and I'm owning up to them. Maybe I'm too much of a wreck to think straight. Who wouldn't be?


Myka - first i'm so glad to read your updates. Lots of work ahead but still great news!

I think the way your H handled this was excellent. It totally and completely slapped you into reality in a way no teary, emotional face to face confrontation would have. Some couples spend weeks and weeks trying to get where you are...this IMO has been very speedy.

His conditions although tough are very fair.. so stop feeling sorry for yourself. How ideal would things be if he had given you no choices and he had simply served you with D papers 

He is taking a HUGE leap of faith in trusting you again... I bet it's taking all his courage. I'm not sure i could do that...not after some of the things you were saying to OM. I really admire you husband for this....he must love you very much. 

So just appreciate his generosity and be the best wife you can be.

I wish you both every success and happiness.


----------



## Myka

waiwera said:


> Myka - first i'm so glad to read your updates. Lots of work ahead but still great news!
> 
> I think the way your H handled this was excellent. It totally and completely slapped you into reality in a way no teary, emotional face to face confrontation would have. Some couples spend weeks and weeks trying to get where you are...this IMO has been very speedy.
> 
> His conditions although tough are very fair.. so stop feeling sorry for yourself. How ideal would things be if he had given you no choices and he had simply served you with D papers
> 
> He is taking a HUGE leap of faith in trusting you again... I bet it's taking all his courage. I'm not sure i could do that...not after some of the things you were saying to OM. I really admire you husband for this....he must love you very much.
> 
> So just appreciate his generosity and be the best wife you can be.
> 
> I wish you both every success and happiness.


I'm just frustrated that I can't talk to him right now. The house feels so empty, and I know it will be a couple more days like this. I really want him here. No, I need him here. I need to have him home with me. I know we need to talk, and that just isn't happening right now.


----------



## JCD

You are feeling very vulnerable.

So is he. The person whom he thought he could count on was trading 'I love you's' in three weeks? Four? Imagine how poorly he sees his relationship to you that you could do that so quickly.

So...tit for tat. I get that the OM was your 'little bowl of emotional kibble' on the side...but husband seems him as a predator horning in on his territory (men).

So you need to make sure that in public, YOU stay under his aegis. Don't go wandering off to make conversation with strange men...unless they are married and their wives are there.

Get rid of that online game. The link, any shortcut on the desktop, maybe the whole FB thing.

Spend that time with him.


----------



## workindad

Myka said:


> I'm just frustrated that I can't talk to him right now. The house feels so empty, and I know it will be a couple more days like this. I really want him here. No, I need him here. I need to have him home with me. I know we need to talk, and that just isn't happening right now.



Has the new bed arrived? Was that not one of his conditions? If he will not come home, is there a neutral place you can meet him to talk? I understand that you are frustrated, but I'm sure he certainly is as well. 

Stay focused- it would be easy to mess up now.

Did your H say what was in the messages? You never know, OM may be throwing you under the bus if he gets pissed and believes your H is now reading the messages. 

Good luck
WD


----------



## Myka

JCD said:


> You are feeling very vulnerable.
> 
> So is he. The person whom he thought he could count on was trading 'I love you's' in three weeks? Four? Imagine how poorly he sees his relationship to you that you could do that so quickly.
> 
> So...tit for tat. I get that the OM was your 'little bowl of emotional kibble' on the side...but husband seems him as a predator horning in on his territory (men).
> 
> So you need to make sure that in public, YOU stay under his aegis. Don't go wandering off to make conversation with strange men...unless they are married and their wives are there.
> 
> Get rid of that online game. The link, any shortcut on the desktop, maybe the whole FB thing.
> 
> Spend that time with him.



The game went with the phone.

We were talking about joining our facebook and personal emails into one account.

I'll be happy to glue myself to him. I just need him here first


----------



## JCD

Myka said:


> The game went with the phone.
> 
> We were talking about joining our facebook and personal emails into one account.
> 
> I'll be happy to glue myself to him. I just need him here first


Trust me, he will come.

Just a feeling, but he didn't invest all the skull sweat on how to make things right just to kick you to the curb.


----------



## Myka

workindad said:


> Has the new bed arrived? Was that not one of his conditions? If he will not come home, is there a neutral place you can meet him to talk? I understand that you are frustrated, but I'm sure he certainly is as well.
> 
> Stay focused- it would be easy to mess up now.
> 
> Did your H say what was in the messages? You never know, OM may be throwing you under the bus if he gets pissed and believes your H is now reading the messages.
> 
> Good luck
> WD


He hasn't said. I don't know if he's even looked yet. I have to admit I'm concerned what will happen there.

The new bed comes Tuesday. I never thought my life would be waiting on a matress.


----------



## Myka

JCD said:


> Trust me, he will come.
> 
> Just a feeling, but he didn't invest all the skull sweat on how to make things right just to kick you to the curb.


I'm sure you are right. I need to find something to distract myself so I don't think so much.


----------



## Vanguard

Give thanks to God- He has exacted from you much less than what you have incurred.


----------



## T&T

JCD said:


> Trust me, he will come.
> 
> Just a feeling, but he didn't invest all the skull sweat on how to make things right just to kick you to the curb.


I think so too, but he needs time to decompress. As much as he can anyways...


----------



## terrence4159

Myka i really think you have a good chance to save this and im a dump the cheater and never look back kinda guy (my avatar pict the knife in my back tattoo has my XW's name in the handle). but you are doing it all right..as of right now.

but be warned he will go through alot of diff stages and when the amger stage hits you will be called every name in the book. and alot of the time during fights this will be brought up. just to give you a little warning...that said i am pulling for you (a first for me)


----------



## Myka

terrence4159 said:


> Myka i really think you have a good chance to save this and im a dump the cheater and never look back kinda guy (my avatar pict the knife in my back tattoo has my XW's name in the handle). but you are doing it all right..as of right now.
> 
> but be warned he will go through alot of diff stages and when the amger stage hits you will be called every name in the book. and alot of the time during fights this will be brought up. just to give you a little warning...that said i am pulling for you (a first for me)


Thank you.

When the anger stage comes, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to stay quiet and let him vent?


----------



## terrence4159

many difficult days ahead of you. you need to do ALL the heavy lifting to make it work. he will say mean stuff dont take it personal. it can take up to 5 years for him to fully move on from this. so realize you have a long long road ahead. but i beleive you can do it


----------



## PastOM

Myka said:


> When the anger stage comes, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to stay quiet and let him vent?


You are probably the best one to answer that, as you are most aware of what your husband's personality dictates.

As a generality though, part of his anger will be about what you did, and part will be about what it is doing to him. Try to separate anger and frustration with you (venting) from feelings of insecurity, jealousy or his self esteem being battered. The former may require a passive you. The latter may require a more active interaction, reassurances, apologies etc. Try to understand when he switches between them. He may feel the latter and switch to the former when you have reassured him.

I would guess that lots of affection, and remorse is a great start. 

Understand that he may swing between moods in the bedroom too. Implicit and explicit understanding, or even encouragement may be required. Don't push for anything and expect passion to turn to sadness, depression or rage. A great shag may result in just some intimacy, or a cuddle half way through. Let him set the pace and the agenda.

There will be mind movies. He will replay in his mind what you did, or what you may have wanted to do, true or not. These may render him deep in thought, a trance like state as he visualizes all the of the worst images he can conjure. If you see this, break his pattern with loving touches, reassurances and apologies.

Allow him to be weak in-front of you. No man (except our suicide candidate from earlier) wants to be seen as weak. It's important that you let him know its ok to cry - be there for him, cry with him, or bury his head in your shoulder or lap so he can think you don't know he's crying. Either way, let him grieve - he will need to.

Unexpected touches, or maybe a surprise dinner, or date doing something you know he will like. 

Write him a letter in your hand. Let him know how you are feeling. Apologies, apologies, apologies.

Monitor his drinking. Take walks. 

Above all - listen to him.

Good luck!!


----------



## whatslovegottodowithit?

Does Myka / should Myka tell her H about TAM? Would it be harmful if he found this thread and she didn't tell him she came here for advice? I assume he already knows and has some sort of surveillance in place.


----------



## PastOM

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Does Myka / should Myka tell her H about TAM? Would it be harmful if he found this thread and she didn't tell him she came here for advice? I assume he already knows and has some sort of surveillance in place.


I think she can mention it. It was incredibly brave of her to come here and ask for help given that she was the WS. Judging from her posts and the reaction of others, she has made some friends here! Go figure. She proactively sought out solutions to problems that she had engineered. I think any H would like that.


----------



## Wiserforit

No secrets. This is the worst time to have secrets. 

I agree *Myka* that one of the most important reasons for 100% transparency is so that you can both protect each other from stupid decisions... like Emotional Affairs,

I have standing permission to do other girls, so long as my wife is in control of who it is. Yet that does not allow me any kind of latitude whatsoever to even look at porn without her knowledge.


----------



## waiwera

PastOM said:


> I think she can mention it. It was incredibly brave of her to come here and ask for help given that she was the WS. *Judging from her posts and the reaction of others, she has made some friends here! Go figure.* She proactively sought out solutions to problems that she had engineered. I think any H would like that.


Every now and then a truly remorseful panic stricken WS turns up here.... tears is one who comes to mind.

They NEVER get away without a verbal bashing, so yes, WS coming here is brave IMO.

But posters like myka, make people like me, who like to lump all the worlds cheaters into one big lump and label them as scum, it makes us remember that we ARE all human and imperfect. 

I believe she's a good woman who made some horrible mistakes.....mistakes that deeply wounded her man and nearly destroyed her marriage.

I'm glad her man is giving her a second chance, I think she deserves it. I just hope it works out...for both of them.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Does Myka / should Myka tell her H about TAM? Would it be harmful if he found this thread and she didn't tell him she came here for advice? I assume he already knows and has some sort of surveillance in place.


By her husband's actions, it seems he's a veteran of this site.


----------



## Ovid

100% open will make all the difference. 

Anything less will create problems, and possibly kill the R before it gets going. 

I think Myka has the right attitude, so the R should go well.


----------



## Ovid

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> By her husband's actions, it seems he's a veteran of this site.


Three weeks of notes on Mykas A. Sounds like he took his time did his research and struck in one coordinated strike when he got the strength up to proceed.


----------



## EleGirl

Thoreau said:


> Ele....I dare say that when a wife treats her husband properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.


I agree. It's also true taht when a man treats his wife properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.


----------



## EleGirl

Myka said:


> Thank you.
> 
> When the anger stage comes, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to stay quiet and let him vent?


You will need to let him talk and express his feelings. And he will go through a feelings such as disbelief, anger, remorse, etc.. like about the same ones that people go through when they are grieving the death of a loved one.

He will also ask you a lot of questions. He will ask you the same questions over and over. Just calmly answer him .. over and over.

Part of the problem with an affair is that it's something that the BS did not experience. A large part of the reasons for the questions and talking about it together is so that he lives through it and it becomes a shared experience. This it takes away the thought that the WS has a secret life that excludes the BS.

Now he might yell some. It's a very emotional time for him so some behavior that is not normally acceptable might happen. But this should not be an on going thing.


----------



## InlandTXMM

EleGirl said:


> I agree. It's also true taht when a man treats his wife properly, there is a far greater chance of fidelity.


"Properly" is not to be confused with "like a princess".


----------



## Ovid

EleGirl said:


> You will need to let him talk and express his feelings. And he will go through a feelings such as disbelief, anger, remorse, etc.. like about the same ones that people go through when they are grieving the death of a loved one.
> 
> He will also ask you a lot of questions. He will ask you the same questions over and over. Just calmly answer him .. over and over.
> 
> Part of the problem with an affair is that it's something that the BS did not experience. A large part of the reasons for the questions and talking about it together is so that he lives through it and it becomes a shared experience. This it takes away the thought that the WS has a secret life that excludes the BS.
> 
> Now he might yell some. It's a very emotional time for him so some behavior that is not normally acceptable might happen. But this should not be an on going thing.


:iagree:

I yelled off and on for a few weeks. It's best to say sorry when he points out something you did that hurt him. Yelling is normal as long as it isn't abusive.


----------



## Ovid

Ovid said:


> Three weeks of notes on Mykas A. Sounds like he took his time did his research and struck in one coordinated strike when he got the strength up to proceed.


Her H needs a TAM statue...


----------



## JCD

Ovid said:


> Her H needs a TAM statue...


You can borrow one from Machiavelli. He has one he's overly fond of...


----------



## Red Sonja

Myka said:


> At some point in the marriage I decided it was alright to have my secrets. I now realize that played a part in my actions. If I had been completely open about everything I was doing I never would have felt comfortable doing what I did.


This concept is very important and good on you for realizing it. This is part of the reason TAM maintains that “there is no privacy in marriage” (i.e. no secrets); *secrets lure the secret-keeper into lowering their personal boundaries.*


----------



## jim123

Myka said:


> Thank you.
> 
> When the anger stage comes, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to stay quiet and let him vent?


A lot of I am sorry. Reassure him you love him. Be around him even if you are not talking.

Do not let everything be negative. Talk about the good things too. Happy memories help move him through triggers.

Sell the future of you together he will reject it at first but it will help.

Let him know you are in pain too. He will say he does not care and you deserve it but it will make him feel a little better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Myka

I only have a minute to post, but I felt like I needed to. 

He came home. Long talk so far. He's asked lots of hard questions. He's asking about things that never even happened. It's like he's digging for more. Looking for me to confess something he doesn't know. It's very hard. Even the questions about the things that did happen. I'm sure you all know that some of the question will never have a right answer and only lead to harder questions. 

He went out to get us some coffee, and give us a few minute break.


----------



## Myka

The good news is that the light 2x4 bashing I received here gave me a little preview, so I wasn't completely unaware of what was coming.


----------



## PastOM

You have the tools. It's up to you now.

I am rooting for you! Good luck.


----------



## Jasel

He'll try to poke holes in your story. Just tell the truth and stick with it. You'll be fine.


----------



## LetDownNTX

How did things end up last night after your talk?


----------



## F-102

Say, Myka- have you considered offering to take a polygraph? It may speak volumes to him as to how much effort you are willing to put into this R.

Of course, he will be asking everything from "Did you have sex?" to "Are you ultimately responsible for The Holocaust, 9-11 and the Boston Marathon bombings?" because in a BS's state of mind, he is assuming the worst, that he has only seen the proverbial "tip of the iceberg" and he is also of the mindset that everything you say is a lie. Just be calm and answer the questions as best as you can without being defensive.


----------



## Ovid

They were getting coffee at 8PM. My guess is they are sleeping at this point. That or went to work with baggy eyes.


----------



## canboy2012

If he can leave you like that, he probably is messing around on you as well...


----------



## PastOM

canboy2012 said:


> If he can leave you like that, he probably is messing around on you as well...


Yikes! Have you read the posts? :scratchhead:


----------



## Ovid

PastOM said:


> Yikes! Have you read the posts? :scratchhead:


Probably a reply to the initial post.


----------



## PastOM

Ovid said:


> Probably a reply to the initial post.


I get it now - sorry, newbie you know!!


----------



## Rand OmGuy

Myka, 
I am a little over a month from finding out tha my wife had sex with my best friend in my house. 

We are in reconciliation process right. A lot sooner than i was advised to do by many on here but only i truly knew my wife and the situation.

Pay attention to EVERY post on here but filter as you need to so it is productive for your own R. Many own here have been sooooo badly betrayed and hurt, trust is a dream for them. 

You have won half of the battle by getting him back home. 

I know from experience that he will go through many stages similar to the 5 stages of greif. Familiarize yourself with them to be prepared for whats coming. 

Put in the work and meet his requests. Reconciliation is definitely possible....you're just going to have to bear the weight of his anger and pain. 

Keep it up. I'm rooting for you


----------



## Myka

LetDownNTX said:


> How did things end up last night after your talk?


Thank you for asking 

They didn't really end last night. More like early this morning. I'm exhausted. It continues on now that we're both home from work. He just went out for coffee again. He's really looking for something, but I just don't have any more to tell. I've told him everything in horrible graphic detail. I've said everything to the best of my memory, and I remember it pretty well. 

I swear he's looking for more, but there just isn't any more to tell. I can't believe how hard some of these questions have been.


----------



## Myka

Rand OmGuy said:


> Myka,
> I am a little over a month from finding out tha my wife had sex with my best friend in my house.
> 
> We are in reconciliation process right. A lot sooner than i was advised to do by many on here but only i truly knew my wife and the situation.
> 
> Pay attention to EVERY post on here but filter as you need to so it is productive for your own R. Many own here have been sooooo badly betrayed and hurt, trust is a dream for them.
> 
> You have won half of the battle by getting him back home.
> 
> I know from experience that he will go through many stages similar to the 5 stages of greif. Familiarize yourself with them to be prepared for whats coming.
> 
> Put in the work and meet his requests. Reconciliation is definitely possible....you're just going to have to bear the weight of his anger and pain.
> 
> Keep it up. I'm rooting for you


Thank you.


----------



## Myka

F-102 said:


> Say, Myka- have you considered offering to take a polygraph? It may speak volumes to him as to how much effort you are willing to put into this R.
> 
> Of course, he will be asking everything from "Did you have sex?" to "Are you ultimately responsible for The Holocaust, 9-11 and the Boston Marathon bombings?" because in a BS's state of mind, he is assuming the worst, that he has only seen the proverbial "tip of the iceberg" and he is also of the mindset that everything you say is a lie. Just be calm and answer the questions as best as you can without being defensive.


He's mentioned a polygraph. I'm completely willing. I do worry about false positives. Good idea to offer to schedule it.

You're right about the iceberg thing. He's really digging for something worse.


----------



## Openminded

It's the trust issue. He can no longer believe what you say. Just to let you know --- some people can get beyond that and some can't.


----------



## Myka

Openminded said:


> It's the trust issue. He can no longer believe what you say. Just to let you know --- some people can get beyond that and some can't.


Here's hoping for can.


----------



## T&T

Myka said:


> Here's hoping for can.


He's already started, so he's willing to try. That's huge, Myka!


----------



## Shaggy

Honestly, I wish your husband could coach the many men here on TAM that have cheating wives. He has handled this darn near perfectly.

My compliments to him.

Now if he would also go after the scumbag OM he would be perfect!


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, and do not blow this single change you have. I'm guessing you will definitely never ever get another one.


----------



## Shaggy

Myka said:


> I have a few friends but I don't want to tell them what I've done. They were always so supportive of us. My family is out of state. I can't bear the thought of telling my parents. I don't want to hurt them too.


Very bad strategy btw. You want to rug sweep it and hide it instead of owning up to your betrayal. He's going to see right though your attempts to rugsweep and protect yourself.


----------



## 2asdf2

Myka said:


> He's mentioned a polygraph. I'm completely willing. I do worry about false positives. Good idea to offer to schedule it.
> 
> You're right about the iceberg thing. He's really digging for something worse.


Read the links in my signature and become more worried, not less. Maybe have him read them, so he knows what to expect.

Definitely have him read them if you do decide to do the poly. Better he reads them first, rather than after you have a false positive.


----------



## T&T

Shaggy said:


> Honestly, I wish your husband could coach the many men here on TAM that have cheating wives. He has handled this darn near perfectly.


I do give him a LOT of credit, BUT who says ALL men should act like this?

I said it earlier in the thread and I will say it again, I *can't* and *won't* accept betrayal. It's just not in me to do so...


----------



## jim123

Myka said:


> Here's hoping for can.


He can but you have to help him. Tell the truth. Tell him you are sorry. Assure him you love him, be around him as much as posible.

Do the little thingd like flirting. The little touching and be supporting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989

Good luck Myka. I hope things work out for you.


----------



## dogman

If I were him you offering and doing a polygraph might put a cap on how far the questions go. I would still cover all you admitted to but it would calm the wild mind games that this open door causes.

Definitely do this no matter the cost.


----------



## Myka

Shaggy said:


> Very bad strategy btw. You want to rug sweep it and hide it instead of owning up to your betrayal. He's going to see right though your attempts to rugsweep and protect yourself.


I've already told all of our friends and family what a shameful person I am. I think they're all convinced I'm a ***** now.


----------



## Myka

So last night the interrogation continued. He kept digging and digging like the day before. He asked what's this number? Has this person seen your ***** too? I had to say yes it's my gynecologist. There was a mix up on the scheduling at their office. He saw that I called that number about five times that day. Just an example of the rabbit trails he went down. 

It came out that one of the things he's so upset about is that I never did any sexting with him. He feels like I gave that first to the other man. I see his point. I apologized and begged forgiveness for it, but there is no way I can ever fix that. Just another example of how badly I screwed things up. Would it help any if I sent him pictures now, or just make it worse?

He went out for coffee and I posted my quick update. When he got back he was right back at it. Just grilling me. Then he started asking questions that made me worry. Could he have a girl friend too? How much should he **** around to make it even? I said please don't. I was on top of him crying snot bubbles at this point. He asked "don't what?". I said "please don't do what I did to you. I'm so sorry." I told him how sorry I was. How I never knew how much I would hurt him. 

I really had no idea how bad this would be. How much pain it would cause. I feel so stupid for not knowing what should have been obvious.

Then suddenly. SEX! That's the only way to put it. It was hours of grinding pounding sex. Positions we never tried before. Just ridiculous sex. 

He usually wakes me up in the morning. We have coffee together. I pick out a tie for him. That sort of thing. This morning I only woke up because he slammed the door on the way out.

He's been ignoring my texts all day.

I'm completely confused.

Was he dominating me? 
Showing me what a ***** I am? 
Proving he could perform? 
Screwing with my head?


----------



## 2asdf2

Myka said:


> So last night the interrogation continued. He kept digging and digging like the day before. He asked what's this number? Has this person seen your ***** too? I had to say yes it's my gynecologist. There was a mix up on the scheduling at their office. He saw that I called that number about five times that day. Just an example of the rabbit trails he went down.
> 
> It came out that one of the things he's so upset about is that I never did any sexting with him. He feels like I gave that first to the other man. I see his point. I apologized and begged forgiveness for it, but there is no way I can ever fix that. Just another example of how badly I screwed things up. Would it help any if I sent him pictures now, or just make it worse?
> 
> He went out for coffee and I posted my quick update. When he got back he was right back at it. Just grilling me. Then he started asking questions that made me worry. Could he have a girl friend too? How much should he **** around to make it even? I said please don't. I was on top of him crying snot bubbles at this point. He asked "don't what?". I said "please don't do what I did to you. I'm so sorry." I told him how sorry I was. How I never knew how much I would hurt him.
> 
> I really had no idea how bad this would be. How much pain it would cause. I feel so stupid for not knowing what should have been obvious.
> 
> Then suddenly. SEX! That's the only way to put it. It was hours of grinding pounding sex. Positions we never tried before. Just ridiculous sex.
> 
> He usually wakes me up in the morning. We have coffee together. I pick out a tie for him. That sort of thing. This morning I only woke up because he slammed the door on the way out.
> 
> He's been ignoring my texts all day.
> 
> I'm completely confused.
> 
> Was he dominating me?
> Showing me what a ***** I am?
> Proving he could perform?
> Screwing with my head?


Reclaiming his territory.

I did that once as soon as (within seconds) I had proof. It confused the hell out of me.., Still does forty years later.


----------



## Rags

He's probably very confused right now.

He still finds you attractive, and he wants sex - although he's also revolted - possibly by you, or what you did, or that he wants you despite that. It's possible that he even finds the whole thing erotic on some level (it's not mutually exclusive with disgusting.)

So he'll be having a whole rollercoaster of emotions, and will act accordingly - i.e. unpredictably.

The best you can do is be contrite, open, honest, non-judgemental and utterly beyond reproach.

This doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you, in an abusive fashion, and you still have the right to expect fidelity from him (unfair, isn't it?) - but you aren't trustworthy, and he doesn't have to trust you.

You have to prove that you are actually the person he shoudl want to be with - you have a lot of catching up to do. It will be hard work.


----------



## Myka

2asdf2 said:


> Reclaiming his territory.
> 
> I did that once as soon as (within seconds) I had proof. It confused the hell out of me.., Still does forty years later.


Is he as confused as I am?

Forty years. You still think about it.


----------



## Myka

Rags said:


> He's probably very confused right now.
> 
> He still finds you attractive, and he wants sex - although he's also revolted - possibly by you, or what you did, or that he wants you despite that. It's possible that he even finds the whole thing erotic on some level (it's not mutually exclusive with disgusting.)
> 
> So he'll be having a whole rollercoaster of emotions, and will act accordingly - i.e. unpredictably.
> 
> The best you can do is be contrite, open, honest, non-judgemental and utterly beyond reproach.
> 
> This doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you, in an abusive fashion, and you still have the right to expect fidelity from him (unfair, isn't it?) - but you aren't trustworthy, and he doesn't have to trust you.
> 
> You have to prove that you are actually the person he shoudl want to be with - you have a lot of catching up to do. It will be hard work.


I'm doing my best.


----------



## diwali123

It's called hysterical bonding. It happens all the time. It's part of trying to get back what you had and reclaim your bond.


----------



## 2asdf2

Myka said:


> Is he as confused as I am?
> 
> Forty years. You still think about it.


Very animal-like behavior.

There's no statue of limitations on mind-movies, is there? :scratchhead:


----------



## Myka

diwali123 said:


> It's called hysterical bonding. It happens all the time. It's part of trying to get back what you had and reclaim your bond.


Thank you. I had no idea what was going on.


----------



## Rags

Myka said:


> I'm doing my best.


I believe you.

I hope, for your sake, that it's enough. It might be an impossible task you've created for yourself.

He will need time, and he will likely relapse, and he will say hurtful tings to you (some of which you might deserve, some, you almost certainly will not.)

He will lash out because he's in pain. (I seriously hope, only verbally - you do not have to accept being abused.)

If you want to reconcile, you will have to accept this situation, deal with it, and help him to as well. It should lessen over time (in frequency, and in intensity.)

Again - time. There is no quick fix for this. the only way out that ends in a true reconcilliation, is through.


----------



## Myka

2asdf2 said:


> Very animal-like behavior.
> 
> There's no statue of limitations on mind-movies, is there? :scratchhead:


I'm sorry.


----------



## Myka

Rags said:


> I believe you.
> 
> I hope, for your sake, that it's enough. It might be an impossible task you've created for yourself.
> 
> He will need time, and he will likely relapse, and he will say hurtful tings to you (some of which you might deserve, some, you almost certainly will not.)
> 
> He will lash out because he's in pain. (I seriously hope, only verbally - you do not have to accept being abused.)
> 
> If you want to reconcile, you will have to accept this situation, deal with it, and help him to as well. It should lessen over time (in frequency, and in intensity.)
> 
> Again - time. There is no quick fix for this. the only way out that ends in a true reconcilliation, is through.


He's never struck me or even threatened. Even with as angry as he is now I'm not worried about that.


----------



## Rags

Myka said:


> He's never struck me or even threatened. Even with as angry as he is now I'm not worried about that.


Very glad to hear it.


----------



## 2asdf2

diwali123 said:


> It's called hysterical bonding. It happens all the time. It's part of trying to get back what you had and reclaim your bond.


No, this is different. 

Take two dogs for a walk. Dog1 pees on a stone, Dog2 pees on said stone ASAP. Peeing on Dog1, if need be, to get there quick.


----------



## Myka

2asdf2 said:


> No, this is different.
> 
> Take two dogs for a walk. Dog1 pees on a stone, Dog2 pees on said stone ASAP. Peeing on Dog1, if need be, to get there quick.


I did act as dumb as a stone.. I wouldn't call my husband a dog though.


----------



## Myka

So what's hysterical bonding then?


----------



## 2asdf2

Myka said:


> So what's hysterical bonding then?


The way I understand it, it is a period of extremely high emotional/sexual/reflective/loving behaviors engaged in by both partners as a result of an emotional decision to reconcile.

Of course, one partner's heart may not be in it, but the other partner is unaware of that fact. Or both may be deeply in it. YMMV.


----------



## Myka

2asdf2 said:


> The way I understand it, it is a period of extremely high emotional/sexual/reflective/loving behaviors engaged in by both partners as a result of an emotional decision to reconcile.
> 
> Of course, one partner's heart may not be in it, but the other partner is unaware of that fact.


Thank you. I have something to look forward to. I know my heart will be in it.


----------



## 2asdf2

Myka said:


> I did act as dumb as a stone.. I wouldn't call my husband a dog though.


You made me laugh.

The dog story was an example that I have seen happen.

If you have not owned dogs, you may not have had the experience. If you have owned more than one male dog at the same time, then you've probably have.


----------



## waiwera

Myka - don't have much to add other than just keep doing what your doing... showing remorse, apologizing and answering his questions.

This is still so new and raw for you both... 

(((hugs)))


----------



## Ovid

Stay on this path and you'll do well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris989

You're doing the right things.

As far as sexting goes, that is something my wife did for her posom but never for me.

It annoys the heck out of me that she didn't after dday either. It's too early to deal with it but you need to talk to him and get to the bottom of it with him.

Please, stay positive. It's going to be very difficult and confusing and he will go through times he thinks can't continue (you will too).

Be patient and don't give up. Keep posting if you need to for anything however trivial it may seem.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Myka said:


> So last night the interrogation continued. He kept digging and digging like the day before. He asked what's this number? Has this person seen your ***** too? I had to say yes it's my gynecologist. There was a mix up on the scheduling at their office. He saw that I called that number about five times that day. Just an example of the rabbit trails he went down.
> 
> It came out that one of the things he's so upset about is that I never did any sexting with him. He feels like I gave that first to the other man. I see his point. I apologized and begged forgiveness for it, but there is no way I can ever fix that. Just another example of how badly I screwed things up. Would it help any if I sent him pictures now, or just make it worse?
> 
> He went out for coffee and I posted my quick update. When he got back he was right back at it. Just grilling me. Then he started asking questions that made me worry. Could he have a girl friend too? How much should he **** around to make it even? I said please don't. I was on top of him crying snot bubbles at this point. He asked "don't what?". I said "please don't do what I did to you. I'm so sorry." I told him how sorry I was. How I never knew how much I would hurt him.
> 
> I really had no idea how bad this would be. How much pain it would cause. I feel so stupid for not knowing what should have been obvious.
> 
> Then suddenly. SEX! That's the only way to put it. It was hours of grinding pounding sex. Positions we never tried before. Just ridiculous sex.
> 
> He usually wakes me up in the morning. We have coffee together. I pick out a tie for him. That sort of thing. This morning I only woke up because he slammed the door on the way out.
> 
> He's been ignoring my texts all day.
> 
> I'm completely confused.
> 
> Was he dominating me?
> Showing me what a ***** I am?
> Proving he could perform?
> Screwing with my head?


Sorry, it is going to be ugly. 7 months later and I have EXTREMELY bad days. 


> I said please don't. I was on top of him crying snot bubbles at this point. He asked "don't what?". I said "please don't do what I did to you. I'm so sorry."


Sorry, your mouth is a minefield. I do not say that to be mean. I read that and I bet you he jumped right to sexual intercourse. That's why your sex was "different." Just so you know, he doesn't believe it was an EA. Nope, there is NOTHING you can do. It'll fade, but it isn't going to happen as quick as you want.

Good luck.
Edit:
I think you are doing everything right, which will speed healing up a bit, but for me it's the "what ifs" and "why not me" that are bad. I mean there are shows we can't watch together because I can feel a tirade building.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Myka said:


> Is he as confused as I am?
> 
> Forty years. You still think about it.


Yes, it is written in STONE. 

We all deal with issues per our experiences. It is a part of you because you have experienced it. Your husband will always have this experience in his mind. How he deals with it depends on his own internal code.

Also, you seem to question about Mind Movies. Mind Movies are when the mind plays movies of what it thinks happened in a situation, may not have happened, but the mind will play that movie for the individual. For example, if a wife cheats on her husband, the husband mind puts all different kinds of acts that the OM did with the wife, may have happened, may have not but the mind does it. Remember the statement that the book is always better then the movie, that is because your mind made its own movie of the book perfectly and the real movie is not up the the action that the mind can make. Just think what a BS thinks happened when they find out the WS cheated (ie. no limits) the only limitation is the mind, mind boggling isn't it.


----------



## dubsey

Myka said:


> Is he as confused as I am?


More so, I'm sure. 

I read another poster put it this way a while back. You know where all the pieces in this horrible puzzle fit, and what it looks like.

All he sees are random pieces of a complex puzzle. No edges of the puzzle to start with, no clear picture to compare the small pieces too, just random pieces. He's going to ask again and again to make sure the pieces he knows about that do fit together actually do fit, until he has some idea what the picture looks like.


----------



## Atholk

Maybe I'm a cynic... but the time frame is all very fast from the moment it started, escalated and exposed.

Seems planned.

You 100% sure the OM wasn't your husband stringing you? I've known of a couple of cases where the husband loyalty tests the wife and it all spirals out of control quickly.


----------



## Ovid

Atholk said:


> Maybe I'm a cynic... but the time frame is all very fast from the moment it started, escalated and exposed.
> 
> Seems planned.
> 
> You 100% sure the OM wasn't your husband stringing you? I've known of a couple of cases where the husband loyalty tests the wife and it all spirals out of control quickly.


I'm thinking Mykas H couldn't unless he put another guy up to it because.



Myka said:


> The bed is a hard one for me to admit to. I was chatting with the guy in Utah while my husband was sleeping in bed next to me. He wants that memory erased. So the bed, sheets, pillows must all go. The same with any clothes I wore around that time. I agree completely with his thinking.


If he deliberately setup the situation... Ouch


----------



## Myka

Atholk said:


> Maybe I'm a cynic... but the time frame is all very fast from the moment it started, escalated and exposed.
> 
> Seems planned.
> 
> You 100% sure the OM wasn't your husband stringing you? I've known of a couple of cases where the husband loyalty tests the wife and it all spirals out of control quickly.


It was almost planned, but not by my husband. My husband was sleeping next to me for some of it. The guy was someone I would never be interested in real life, so that was a fail if it was planned. I mean never be interested in. He wasn't very attractive. He was unmotivated, unemployed, and a bit of a pervert. 

I know I pushed things forward on not paying much attention to my husband. On some level I though if I ignored him he would notice me more, and I wouldn't feel so interested in getting attention from some guy online. It worked at first, but then he became even more aloof. I got bitter and let the guy push things along faster.

It was all kind of a sick cycle.


----------



## Myka

Not much of an update. Just more of the same. He's supposed to be home early today, again. I think that's a first in the history of my husband. With the exception of the last few days his Monday throught Friday has always been:
Get ready for work.
Two hour commute.
Nine hours at work.
Two hour commute home.
Dinner.
A martial arts class, or workout in the home gym.
50/50 odds of sex.
Sleep.


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## Myka

I always looked forward to Saturday night. We always watch a movie. It's pretty much the only cuddle affection time I get apart from sex. I have a feeling that won't be the case for a long time. The sex last night was not affectionate, but I'm not surprised considering. I guess I'm just sad that I'm losing Saturday night.


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## terrence4159

your doing great Myka. and the reason he keeps asking you about stuff you never did is 97% of people when they get caught do the trickle truth. they never tell the whole story up front. i bet your husband has been on these sites and read the same thing we are telling you. thats why the interrigations.

p.s. enjoy the hysterical bonding part.


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## workindad

Myka said:


> I always looked forward to Saturday night. We always watch a movie. It's pretty much the only cuddle affection time I get apart from sex. I have a feeling that won't be the case for a long time. The sex last night was not affectionate, but I'm not surprised considering. I guess I'm just sad that I'm losing Saturday night.


No need to be sad, re-frame your thought process to give you something to work towards and look forward to.

I find that focusing on a positive and working towards a positive goal helps me. 

WD


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## ScorchedEarth

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, it is going to be ugly. 7 months later and I have EXTREMELY bad days.
> Sorry, your mouth is a minefield. I do not say that to be mean. I read that and I bet you he jumped right to sexual intercourse. That's why your sex was "different." *Just so you know, he doesn't believe it was an EA. Nope, there is NOTHING you can do.* It'll fade, but it isn't going to happen as quick as you want.
> 
> Good luck.
> Edit:
> I think you are doing everything right, which will speed healing up a bit, but for me it's the "what ifs" and "why not me" that are bad. I mean there are shows we can't watch together because I can feel a tirade building.


B-I-N-G-O

Despite my husband's steadfast denials of his EAs going PA, I will NEVER believe him. EVER. There is nothing he can say or do. You are at the complete mercy of your husband. He is calling the shots now. Your choices are stay and go through whatever he feels like putting you through (and you WILL be punished for this) or you reach a breaking point and leave - if he doesn't first.

That's the thing about betrayal. When the "naive" faith and trust in marriage is gone, honey, it is GONE!


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## Myka

OzyMan said:


> Just got a text today saying she has finally recieved divorce paperwork..


There's no reason to post a lie like this. Please respect my thread.


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## Rags

I did wonder - seemed odd.


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## Myka

Everything is going well. Just a long way to go.


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## Rags

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step ...


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## Shaggy

Myka said:


> There's no reason to post a lie like this. Please respect my thread.


Myra, I think ozy just miss posted in your thread instead of his own. Actually his finally getting that done is great news, his wife is pretty awful at playing games,


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## Acabado

2asdf2 said:


> I think he posted on the wrong thread!


I'm following ozy's story.
It was a mistake. It was ment to be posted in his own thread.


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## MrQuatto

OzyMan said:


> Just got a text today saying she has finally recieved divorce paperwork..


Are you talking bout Myka?


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## thatbpguy

Myka said:


> Everything is going well. Just a long way to go.


Myka, people who read my posts know I am a pretty strong anti betrayer.

I also, for the most part, approve of the way your husband handled this from day 1. I also approve of the way you have handled yourself

That said, I hope the reconciliation works out well for you both. 

TBPG


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## carpenoctem

Best of luck, Myka.

May wisdom and love prevail.

(well, add some lust in too).

My gut feeling is: you guys will make it. Glad to tell you that.


*Be beautiful inside.*


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## OzyMan

Acabado said:


> I'm following ozy's story.
> It was a mistake. It was ment to be posted in his own thread.


Yes... it was a mispost... sorry Myka, posted in wrong thread. I deleted it here...


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## Myka

OzyMan said:


> Yes... it was a mispost... sorry Myka, posted in wrong thread. I deleted it here...


Thank you. Sorry, I thought it was a nasty post


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## Myka

So it turns out I really am the dumbest person here. I had my emotional affair after being neglected through our short marriage. It was wrong, I know that. What I didn't know was why I was being neglected. I thought he was working all of those hours. I thought he had a long commute. Ugh. Why was I so stupid. I've been bending over backwards trying to prove myself to him. Trying to make our reconciliation work. 

I found his burner phone today, which resulted in me finding his secret email account and more. He has been cheating with at least three other women. I haven't been able to find out how far back it goes, but it looks like he has been cheating the entire time we've been married. 

He will be home soon, and I plan to confront him when he gets here. I don't think I can hold this in. I don't know what I want, or what to expect from him. I guess I should thank him for showing me how to deal with a cheat.


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## StillSearching

Be careful. Make sure you have all the evidence you need before confrontation. I'd go see a friend. Chill for a bit. I confronted to soon. Once. Big mistake.


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## Myka

MrBrains said:


> Be careful. Make sure you have all the evidence you need before confrontation. I'd go see a friend. Chill for a bit. I confronted to soon. Once. Big mistake.


He sees everything I type. It's too late for that.


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## Myka

I forwarded it all to my email at work.


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## Myka

There are a few other details, but once again everything I type he can read. I'm not tipping my hand here.


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## Acabado

Keep the phone.


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## aug

Wow, what a twist! Given what he did to you, your husband is one sick puppy.


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## StillSearching

Myka said:


> So it turns out I really am the dumbest person here. I had my emotional affair after being neglected through our short marriage. It was wrong, I know that. What I didn't know was why I was being neglected. I thought he was working all of those hours. I thought he had a long commute. Ugh. Why was I so stupid. I've been bending over backwards trying to prove myself to him. Trying to make our reconciliation work.
> 
> I found his burner phone today, which resulted in me finding his secret email account and more. He has been cheating with at least three other women. I haven't been able to find out how far back it goes, but it looks like he has been cheating the entire time we've been married.
> 
> He will be home soon, and I plan to confront him when he gets here. I don't think I can hold this in. I don't know what I want, or what to expect from him. I guess I should thank him for showing me how to deal with a cheat.


The more I read this the more I scratch my head???? If he really can see everything you write here it looks like you're juicing him. You don't think you can hold it in? What? He reads what you write. Burner phone results in secret emails and more? I may be nuts but if he can read all you write. It looks like your playing us and him at the same time?


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## Chris989

Looks to me like you don't have a marriage. No kids=move on.


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## F-102

Man, what a kick in the head!


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## Kasler

I'll be damned. 

Don't worry about the documents based around divorce, enough judges love throwing them out as it is and being made under false pretenses can help.


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## Rollin

You know what to do now, 180 and detach.


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## Shaggy

He just went from hero to zero for being a cheater himself.


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## aug

And the post nup you signed (if I remember correctly)... that should be voided now due to his actions. Talk to your lawyer and sent an official written notice to him.


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## waiwera

Wow myka... what a self rightous sh!t he is.

I"m at a loss for words.

I sure hope you D and move on...

All the best!


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## dsGrazzl3D

MrBrains said:


> The more I read this the more I scratch my head???? It looks like your playing us and him at the same time?


:iagree:
I'm kinda' more inclined to agree here... I keep thinking that even Muary or Jerry Springer could not come up with this scenario. It's also weird that you _seemed to forget_ telling us more about *vow renewal* and _*the whole divorce 2/3 papers already signed*_ and in his _possession_!?!?! I'd be scarred that you confront him and he plays that 2/3 divorce papers. 
How you gonna' combat that!?!?


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

Wow!... No wonder he found out about you, he was in a affair (or at least had some) himself and probably was trying to catch you to justify his.

Get your own burner phone if you want to continue to learn/vent/ask from the people here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Myka

I really can't go into detail, so I'm just posting a quick response before I go away. For obvious reasons I won't be able to come here for support in the future. 

Yes I posted here knowing he could read it. I knew he was on his way home and wanted him to sweat it out on the drive. I also wanted to make sure I didn't chicken out of confronting him.

It will be a divorce. He's been lying our entire marriage. I never had a clue. For one thing it turns out he makes more than he let me believe. He was using the money I didn't know about to finance his other life. At least now I understand the why of some issues that never made sense before. Even if I could get over the level of deceit and the things he was saying about me to other women, I know I could never do the things he's into. 

He lied about everything when I confronted him. He didn't admit to one thing. Not even the pictures of himself.

I thought I would cry or something, but after the initial confrontation I've been numb. I just don't feel anything.

I'm packing up right now. He's away until Monday. I told him I was going to send everything to his parents and he turned violent. I plan to be out of here before he can come back.

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you. Some of the questions you asked caused me to start looking. 

Good bye.


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## aug

Get your lawyer involved. His deceit is the key.

Expose away. Put him on cheaterville.com Warn other women.


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## Ovid

Willing to bet she got a lawyer already.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989

Good luck Myka. I hope you do come back as the posts I saw you make in other threads were balanced, well thought out and very, very helpful.

Take care.


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## weightlifter

weightlifter said:


> Something is fishy about this. Im thinking he was on his way out...
> Perhaps he WAS actually cheating himself? (wouldnt that be irony?)
> 
> Sorry Ive seen way worse stories and the husband usually stuck around longer. This is NOT a justification... Cheating is cheating.
> 
> Something just does not smell right.
> And yes, My spidey senses ARE acting up.


Just put two and two together when I saw her posting again. Yea the husband was a real "hero."

It WAS fishy. I bet one of the OW thought of the bow thing.

Edit: Sorry M. I hope you recover from your EA issues and go on to get a good man in your life.

edit 2: Give that post nup to the judge!


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## Myka

I can't go into detail here, but things are going very well for me now


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## Chris989

I was wondering how you were getting along. Good to see you back here!


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