# Help!



## VirgoChic88 (Jan 30, 2017)

Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. Not sure if I'm posting in the right subject or not. 

Okay so this is going to be kind of a long post, but please take the time to read it...and please don't judge me too much. lol 

So I am 28 years old. I have three children. I have a son who is 9, and two daughter, 6 and 1. My son I had with my high school sweet heart. We were together for 6 years before I found out I was pregnant when I was 18. We had a lot of problems in our relationship and were always on again, off again. I tried to stay with him through my pregnancy and when my son was born, but realized that me trying to stay for my son, was only going to hurt my son in the long run. 

I had a best friend, who happened to be a man. He would come over my house every single day to check on me and the baby and just keep us company. I knew he had fallen for me...so I decided to give a relationship a shot. 

Fast forward 8 months, it was Christmas 2008. My best friend, and boyfriend proposed to me on Christmas day. We were so in love.. 
I got pregnant with our first daughter on our honeymoon...even though we weren't planning on having any more children for at least a year after we got married. We were living at my parent's house at the time. And decided to move out on our own. 
My husband got a new job installing video boards at stadiums around the country. He worked out of town and was gone for at least 8-9 months out of the year. This had put a lot of strain on our new marriage, and as me as a mother. The first time he left to go out of town was a week after our daughter was born. We made the best of things, and still loved each other very much. He made good money at this job and stuck with it so we could pay our bills and survive. 

Shortly after having my daughter, I started to not feel so good. There was something going on in my body that was unexplainable and I was always in immense pain and very uncomfortable. 
After a year and half of getting no solid answers from doctors, I was brought to the hospital by my husband, and they told me that I had stage 4 Hodgkin's lymphoma. 
I battled the cancer, took care of my children in our apartment by myself, with little help from my parents...all while he still worked out of town to provide for us. 
I begged for him to look for a job near home and he never made any attempt to whatsoever. We eventually got evicted from our apartment as the medical bills and the time that he did take off, which was minimum, had took their toll. 

I stayed at my parents house for about a month until I found another apartment, by myself. That I moved into, by myself. 

After working there for close to 5 years, my husband and his father decided to start faming together. In the midst of all this, I became pregnant with my third child. My husband quit his job altogether to start this farm...without even talking to me first. They spent basically every waking hour farming...and had very very little money to show for it. 
Last year, we ended up being evicted from the apartment we were living in. My parents luckily had just bought a big house and had enough room for us to live with them. Including my sister and her three kids. And even after all of that, my husband still had refused to look for a job. 

I ended getting my repossessed. My husband still refused to look for a job. 
We had grown apart severely. And I started to resent him. He never spent time with the kids or I, refused to get a job, all his time was spent at the farm, and if he wasn't at the farm, he was always talking about the farm. 

Last February, I went to my best friend's birthday party. I did not invite my husband because, to be quite honest, I just didn't want him there. Like I said, we had grown apart. Although I still loved him, I just didn't really wanna be around him. I felt happier when I was out with my friends and away from the house. 

I met this man, who was a friend of my best friend's boyfriend. He didn't say much to me that night and I honestly didn't know if I liked him that much, as a person. 

A few weeks later, my friend invited me out to go to a local pub with her and her boyfriend and his friend that I met at her birthday party. I agreed, since it had been a little while since I went out and I really wanted to just spend time with my friends. The man and I really hit it off and he seemed to be a great person with great energy. Funny as hell. Made me laugh and laugh and I hadn't felt this happy in a long time. 
Well, I ended up talking to him more and more.. and we started "dating". Of course I was still married, so I tried to keep it a secret.. for awhile. But it eventually caught up with me. 

I just saw "Tom" whenever I had a chance to, but still remained living at my parent's house ,with my husband. Until I started growing more and more attached to "Tom", I used to stay and his house more frequently. My husband knew about Tom, but was NOW trying to make a change and try to get me to stay. And told me I need to leave him so we can be together. 

Flash forward til now...Tom and I have had some disagreements. Mostly due to his "Narcissistic personality". He has had some trouble with the law also. But the man appears to acknowledge his wrong doings and admits that he wants to see a counselor for his behavioral issues. And I'm willing to accept that.. We're on a "break" as of right now. 

My husband still loves me, wants to be with me. Wants me to leave Tom alone altogether and try and reconcile. I tell my husband that I love him, but I don't want him to hold too much hope in us getting back together. I'm starting to question weather I really do love him still. When he tried to touch me or be intimate with me.. I just wanna tell him to leave me alone. I can't even stand the way he smells anymore to be honest. I don't feel any sort of excitement when I think about us making love.
With Tom, it's a whole different story. I crave for him to touch me. I love the way he smells, talks, everything. And the thought of him excites me..a lot. 

I think the only reason I haven't gone through with a divorce is because of the children. And because I know my husband has no money and no where to go. I do love him as a person, but I don't think I am IN love with him as a husband. I feel like our friendship is still there..like before we got together..but that's it. 

How do I tell him that I don't want to continue our marriage anymore? And how do I know if that's even the RIGHT decision? Am I going to absolutely crush the kids? I don't even know what to do anymore. 
It was honestly quite hard to gather my thoughts enough to write this post. And I am not good at making decisions...I always second guess myself.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

So you want us to help you decide who to be with? On a forum dedicated to helping marriages? You want us to tell you to leave the man that has been with you through cancer so you can be with a man that smells good and makes you horny, but is a felon and narcissistic? And, you don't love your husband because he went after his dream of owning a farm? 

Hmm, that's a tough one. Let me get back with you on that one... 

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TX-SC said:


> So you want us to help you decide who to be with? On a forum dedicated to helping marriages? You want us to tell you to leave the man that has been with you through cancer so you can be with a man that smells good and makes you horny, but is a felon and narcissistic? And, you don't love your husband because he went after his dream of owning a farm?
> 
> Hmm, that's a tough one. Let me get back with you on that one...
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk




Idk. Guy #2, the husband, is playing farmer and not providing for his wife and two kids. His dream is secondary. 

And I doubt he was faithful all those months traveling.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Idk. Guy #2, the husband, is playing farmer and not providing for his wife and two kids. His dream is secondary.
> 
> And I doubt he was faithful all those months traveling.


She didn't indicate otherwise. I think what we are seeing is her falling out of love for husband BECAUSE she has this other guy in the wings. It's hard to split your love like that. 

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## areenhaque26 (Jan 27, 2017)

VirgoChic88 said:


> Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. Not sure if I'm posting in the right subject or not.
> 
> Okay so this is going to be kind of a long post, but please take the time to read it...and please don't judge me too much. lol
> 
> ...


You still love your husband. From everything you've said it seems like you're mad at what you had to go through and your husband for not being there for you. All those time that your husband became distant and stopped being proactive, did you ever find out why? Because you said it yourself that when you guys got married he was fulfilling his responsibilities as a husband and father. Maybe he didn't know how to deal with your cancer so he distanced himself away from you. Some people don't know how to deal with life changing situation. It could be he was mad at what was happening and shutting himself away from the world was the only was he could deal with it hence the whole farming thing. Maybe it helped him get his mind off of everything. 
As far as "Tom" is concerned then he's temporary. Your mind knows it but your heart's denying. You think you want to be with him because he makes you feel young and free and maybe to some extent how your husband used to make you feel and you miss all that so now that you're getting that you don't want to let go. It's completely normal for you to feel this way, but at the same time these kinds of high don't last for too long and it wears off pretty fast. 

I would say give your husband and your marriage another chance only because your husband is trying to rectify his mistake. You said it yourself that you still have a good friendship with your husband then use that to your advantage. Start all over again- go out on dates like you did before your daughter was born, take a weekend trip together, find a hobby that you both enjoy. As far as the sex is concerned then tell him that you need some time because you need to connect with him emotionally again before you can be physical again. I would also during this time see a marriage counselor so this way you guys can communicate with each other without lashing it at one another. 

I hope this helps 

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VirgoChic88 said:


> Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. Not sure if I'm posting in the right subject or not.
> 
> Okay so this is going to be kind of a long post, but please take the time to read it...and please don't judge me too much. lol
> 
> ...



You need to grow up! You place little value on relationships especially marriage. Your husband has not treated you well for sure but running off and finding another man is not the solution. If you put as much energy into your marriage and working on your relationship with your husband, who incidentally was busting his butt to provide for you and all the children you seem to pop out (didnt you ever hear of birth control and in the middle of being sick).You run up huge medical bills and still expect your H to cover everything and provide,did you ever get off your ass and get a part time job? If you are well enough to have another kid, you are well enough to work.
Now you see Tom has a problem, maybe birds of a feather flock together. Your H is probably better off with a woman who gives a ****, who supports him, rather than adding to his woes. Enough said!


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi.

Your post just shows that you've went from one relationship to another without any time after a relationship breakdown to get over it and heal.

You say your first relationship had problems, then say a guy was coming over to your house, was that house the house you shared with your the father of your child? If so, that is so wrong in my opinion.

You then tell us how the next guy developed all these problems, make out like everything's his fault and then you go to a party and meet a guy and then whilst still married you again go and meet this guy at a bar, that's just asking for trouble.

Then when you talk about guy no3 you say the relationship has problems due to his narcissistic personality, do you ever think you could be the reason all these relationships fail? You seem to think if there is difficulties in a relationship the answer is having an affair, that's never the answer. 

I'm so sorry to hear of your illness and hope you get well soon but I have to be honest, men should be the least of your worries right now, you should be focused on your health and children. It doesn't sound to me like you are in the right place to be thinking about relationships and new men, you seem to have quite a lot going on and maybe should just take a break from men and some of the drama they've caused you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tom is worthless, dump him. Your husband is worthless, divorce him. You are not worthy of a real partner right now, anyway. Learn to be on your own and to take care of yourself. Stop expecting other people to do it for you.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Tom is worthless, dump him. Your husband is worthless, divorce him. You are not worthy of a real partner right now, anyway. Learn to be on your own and to take care of yourself. Stop expecting other people to do it for you.


:iagree: THIS x 1000. 
Funny how you are the common factor in all of this... sort yourself out, and focus on you getting healthy in body and in mind, and focus on bringing up your kids. Give your kids someone they can depend on. Remember, they look to their parents as role models and you ain't doing too well.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"I think the only reason I haven't gone through with a divorce is because of the children."

Ah yes, now we care about the children. How does one find the time to go out to pubs, let alone f--k other guys with a 9, 6, and 1 year old at home?

Get a divorce, stay single, get a job, and use some goddamn protection with the next loser that comes knocking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What to do?

Stay with your dull, dependable husband or you and your children run away with an exciting, sexy bad boy with a criminal record and an incurable mental illness in the shape of a narcissistic personality disorder? :scratchhead:

Ooh, tough decision there, @VirgoChic88.

And have your bad boy checked out against sex offender lists. Because with some criminals they aren't after the moma, they are after the babies.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> What to do?
> 
> Stay with your dull, dependable husband or you and your children run away with an exciting, sexy bad boy with a criminal record and an incurable mental illness in the shape of a narcissistic personality disorder? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


Yep, 'cause Tom will be so good to the kids. He probably loves kids.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

On second thought, Tom has probably never been with the kids for any amount of time due to the logistics of cheating.

OP also probably has no idea if he likes kids at all, never mind the whole potential for abuse thing, which is secondary to the happiness/ sex she feels she is entitled to.


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## VirgoChic88 (Jan 30, 2017)

Hmm didn't think it was possible to feel even ****tier about myself but THAT thought went out the window fast.. as I read all of your ignorant replies... I thought this site was for support, not to bash people. 
To answer some of the questions, or assumptions.. 
I no longer have cancer, I've been in remission for 4 years. I had grown apart from my husband and questioned my level of love for him long before I met Tom, so meeting him didn't have anything to do with the want to leave my husband. In the weeks and months before I met Tom, I had told him to leave, packed his **** and put it out on the porch, but he'd always find his way back in, claiming this or that would change. 
My husband did work hard at his job out of town and did provide for us, I no doubt agree with that. But his lack of willingness to make at least an attempt to give his children and I a "normal" situation in where he saw us more often and spent time with his children and bonded with them seemed like it wasn't important to him. He seemed very selfish... I'm not denying my selfishness in any of this at all. I'm not trying to say that nothing I did was wrong and I am completely innocent. Nor do I think I came off that way. 
Another poster asked if the house my husband came over to all the time as a friend was the same house that I lived in with my sons father, no it wasn't. I never lived with my sons father. I was 18 and still lived at home with my parents. And he was a mutual friend of both of us. Not that it makes it any less ****tier. 
I was employed throughout our marriage, except for when I was sick. So yes I did "get off my ass and contribute to the household" by working, taking care of the kids and volunteering at their school. 
I didn't get pregnant with our youngest until I was in remission for 2 years, I was on birth control when I got pregnant and now I have my tubes tied. 
Do I think the problem in relationships is me.. DAMN RIGHT. I will take responsibility for that all day. And no this is not a post on "who should I be with?" It's a post on "what should I do?". As in "should I be by myself to figure out what I need and want out of life and relationships?" Should I divorce my husband and end it with Tom in the process? Should I try and work things out with my husband although I feel next to nothing romantically and sexually towards him? Should I continue my relationship with Tom that we've had for a year or just chalk that year up to be a waste of time? Tom does have a child of his own and no I do not think he is a petafile.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Have you read up on narcissistic personalties? If not please do so immediately. If you have then why would you even THINK of exposing your kids to that in addition to him having trouble with the law? You are not thinking clearly. Protect your kids at all costs. Try to work it out with your husband or stay single and focus on your kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ok, good, let's talk about what you should do: (your story telling was not complete earlier, hence the 2x4s)

1. Get rid of Tom, cut all contact completely, as long as you are married you should not be dabbling in other streams. Cut that out immediately. What example are you showing to your children, I hope you do not have daughters as they will carry on the tradition, it happens.
2. Focus on yourself and why you think you need a man to make your life better. No-one else can make you feel better about your circumstances, happiness can only come from within yourself, you can be at peace regardless of your circumstances, too many of us let our circumstances create a roller coaster that throws us all over the place, work on that first.
3. Get yourself some IC so that you can fix your 'side of the bed' remember you can only change things about yourself, you cannot change your H until he is willing to change.

You husband sounds like he has been very neglectful of you. I can understand that you have felt neglected and abandoned by him but your solution to turn to another man is not the answer, it only complicates things. Stop looking for the external, look internally, hence the IC.
He may well be one of those guys who think that if they provide for the family that is all that is needed, meanwhile the wife is struggling with abandonment. 
4. I am glad you have beat the cancer, all this stress in your life is not good for someone in remission, focus on your own health, you diet and exercise, put yourself and your kids first
5. when you have worked on yourself, got rid of Tom, then come clean to your H about your affair with Tom, then consider your marriage. Your H may make a decision for you in that regard. If he choses to leave you then you just focus on yourself and kids as you will not be ready for other relationships.

It is possible your H knows what you have been doing with Tom, he is probably in a very bad place also. But leave him be for now. 

6. Consider this, have you been a good wife, have you supported your H throughout his giving up his job, his new business (farming) venture, have you moaned and complained about the lifestyle he was not providing, etc. 
All of us are so quick to see the faults of our spouse but rarely see our own faults and how we have driven our spouse away through our treatment of them, our own behaviour and actions. 
Remember love is not a feeling, it is an action. YOu married your H, maybe he has his flaws, but it would be interesting to get his side of the story, clean up your side first, then decide how to move forward.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

VirgoChic88 said:


> Hmm didn't think it was possible to feel even ****tier about myself but THAT thought went out the window fast.. as I read all of your ignorant replies... *I thought this site was for support, not to bash people.*


This is a _marriage_ support site. If you want support in cheating and breaking up your marriage, you've come to the wrong place.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

VirgoChic88 said:


> Hmm didn't think it was possible to feel even ****tier about myself but THAT thought went out the window fast.. as I read all of your ignorant replies... I thought this site was for support, not to bash people.
> To answer some of the questions, or assumptions..
> I no longer have cancer, I've been in remission for 4 years. I had grown apart from my husband and questioned my level of love for him long before I met Tom, so meeting him didn't have anything to do with the want to leave my husband. In the weeks and months before I met Tom, I had told him to leave, packed his **** and put it out on the porch, but he'd always find his way back in, claiming this or that would change.
> My husband did work hard at his job out of town and did provide for us, I no doubt agree with that. But his lack of willingness to make at least an attempt to give his children and I a "normal" situation in where he saw us more often and spent time with his children and bonded with them seemed like it wasn't important to him. He seemed very selfish... I'm not denying my selfishness in any of this at all. I'm not trying to say that nothing I did was wrong and I am completely innocent. Nor do I think I came off that way.
> ...


There was no ignorance from the people here who took time out from their very busy schedules to offer you the help that you asked for.

But that's the problem with asking questions. Sometimes the answers are not to one's liking.

And paedophiles are often parents, so merely having given birth to a child or fathered one is not evidence one way or the other.

What should you do?

What do you think you should do?

Here's one idea to help get your head straight:

Write down list of what you think you could or should do, then write down the likely consequences of each of those ideas.

Divorce first, then start dating?

Start dating, then divorce, and so on.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You need to break up with Tom because that's just a disaster waiting to happen. Spend some time talking to your H and lay it on the line. Either you devote your time and effort to us or we are divorcing. If he does not come around, divorce him and work on being a great mother above all else. Then, perhaps you can find the right person for you. But, give your H another chance. Try to do stuff together and see if you can regain affection for him. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VirgoChic88 said:


> Do I think the problem in relationships is me.. DAMN RIGHT. I will take responsibility for that all day. And no this is not a post on "who should I be with?" It's a post on "what should I do?".


And we are telling you. You should be alone. You should stop looking for a man to have in your life. You should learn to be ok as an independent person who relies on nobody. You should learn that life is fine, just you and your kids, with you earning enough money to support them and not having to rely on family. If that takes you having to stay with your parents while you get an Associates degree or whatever, do it. Just focus on being able to raise your kids alone. Once you've achieved that, THEN you can look around for a good man with great qualities that will only be an added bonus to your life. It's only when you don't NEED a man that you can pick a good one.


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## VirgoChic88 (Jan 30, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> This is a _marriage_ support site. If you want support in cheating and breaking up your marriage, you've come to the wrong place.


 You obviously missed the whole point in my post. But that's okay. Thanks for your input.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If I read your post and did my math correctly, you were a teenage mother who was in an on again and off again relationship with your baby's father since you were 12? 

Then, shortly after the birth, you began a relationship with your husband. You married, had a baby immediately, went through cancer, an eviction or two, a repossession, and have lived a lot of your married life with your parents. 

During the majority of the marriage, your H was away working for weeks/months on end. Gone literally 3/4 of the time. Your then H decided to become a farmer. You still live with your parents because of this. You have tried to get him to leave, but he won't. He has no money and, presumably, nowhere to live.

You have become involved with a narcissistic felon, that your H is aware of, and are in a state of confusion.

If I'm right, I'll echo a previous post. Grow up. I mean that kindly.

See, the human brain doesn't even fully develop until age 25. You weren't "fully cooked" yet when you were choosing a life mate and having babies. On top of that, you've spent a large portion of your adult life living with parents. Additionally, you've literally never been single. My advice is to ditch both men, get yourself in a position to live independently, and finish developing as a human being, really get to know who you are as a woman and mother and what you want, before trying a romantic relationship again.


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