# Should I set him free???



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I feel like we are trapped in a cycle of craziness. I have my baggage I brought to the relationship and DH knew about it all before he married me, been together 13 years married 12, two kids 9 & 11. In the past year I have had to have 2 back surgeries, I am drained most days when I get home. 

I don't really want to go out on the weekend and listen to his friend's wife complain about her marriage or sit and try and talk to her while she has her face in her phone, so he can drink and be merry, all the while all our kids are fighting. He gets mad at me when I don't want to go and would rather stay home. 

Our last sexual encounter was two weeks ago, initiated by me (rare) and mainly just for him, because since my last surgery it is very hard for me to get off, we are young too I might ad, mid 30s. I even when I had the second surgery, offered him a free pass which he seemed to take offense to, because I was out of the game for about 3 months post op. However, each encounter since has sucked. Last encounter he was just not into it. I could tell, emotional physical nothing.. gave up. He blamed it on a bruise and some other lame excuse but I know what it was, he was feeling disconnected just like I have. 

Things really changed my last surgery it was unexpected and threw us into a financial mess because he had been a stay home Dad and now I was only getting disability. Now we are both back to working and digging slowly out of the hole. Either way, he just doesn't seem happy. He puts on a happy face, tells me I am his best friend, but spends hours on the phone with others, doesn't text me, etc... it's just not there. I don't know weather to just offer him a divorce or request counseling (we've been there before), or if this is just a slump, but it's a long one.  Any advice from the guys is appreciated.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

No. You are depressed. Chill. Then...

Remind him you love him often and let him know you want to get thru it, know how hard it is, appreciate him sticking with you and putting on that happy face for you even though you imagine it's hard and share your feelings. 

Most of your post you should read to him. It's honest, humble, more than fair and thoughtful and heartfelt. I don't think you can go wrong with any of that. 

My 2 cents

Hugs for you both

P.S. Insert some paragraph breaks in your post with the edit function. You will get more responses when it doesn't hurt eyeballs to read it


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

if he's loyal, you likely hurt him when you offered the hall pass.

I would read that as, "Just find a hole and spew in it. I don't want you"

many more issues but that is one that jumped at me.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

For someone in your condition, I think that having sex or doing something sexually intimate every 2 weeks is pretty damn good. Better than lots of people are perfectly capable (don't have surgery issues) do because of a crappy marriage.

It's tough, I'm sure, and it's no fun to deal with pain and surgery for either one of you. But I think that's where the clause of "through Sickness and Health" part comes into play. Is your condition due to surgery temporary? 

I think you need him to be there to support you. I'm sure he'd rather be doing something else, but it sounds like he wants to be loyal to you too. Do you have any other friends who's company you would enjoy? Maybe you can give him some social time with his friends if you had a friend over too and he wouldn't feel bad.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> I would read that as, "Just find a hole and spew in it. I don't want you"


:iagree: This.

I wonder if you even realize you don't love him any more.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Joe Cool said:


> No. You are depressed. Chill. Then...
> 
> Remind him you love him often and let him know you want to get thru it, know how hard it is, appreciate him sticking with you and putting on that happy face for you even though you imagine it's hard and share your feelings.
> 
> ...


I have felt depressed surely. My first surgery was supposed to fix things, and did for a bit, it was wonderful, until two screws broke (my back). Then I had to have emergency surgery, less than 6 months after the first. 
I have shared my thoughts with him, but I don't get feedback other than he is fine.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> if he's loyal, you likely hurt him when you offered the hall pass.
> 
> I would read that as, "Just find a hole and spew in it. I don't want you"
> 
> many more issues but that is one that jumped at me.


Wow, I certainly didn't mean it like that.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

JukeboxHero said:


> For someone in your condition, I think that having sex or doing something sexually intimate every 2 weeks is pretty damn good. Better than lots of people are perfectly capable (don't have surgery issues) do because of a crappy marriage.
> 
> It's tough, I'm sure, and it's no fun to deal with pain and surgery for either one of you. But I think that's where the clause of "through Sickness and Health" part comes into play. Is your condition due to surgery temporary?
> 
> I think you need him to be there to support you. I'm sure he'd rather be doing something else, but it sounds like he wants to be loyal to you too. Do you have any other friends who's company you would enjoy? Maybe you can give him some social time with his friends if you had a friend over too and he wouldn't feel bad.


We don't have any other mutual friends, whenever I try to introduce him to my friend's sig others, it never works out. When he does, it does... :scratchhead:

I don't know if this new situation is permanent or not? The docs cannot answer me, my nerves were pinched so badly after the screws broke, I couldn't walk. 

I have since recovered a long way, although still on pain meds.

It has certainly changed intimacy for me. I have only gotten off once since my surgery last Oct. It has changed the way I can orgasm, I now have to have direct clitoral stim in addition to sex... it sucks. Used to not need that at all  

I feel like that makes him feel bad and it certainly doesn't make us feel connected. At least not for me. Might be in my head. Meaning: Getting used to this new situation. I just wonder too if this has also affected him?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> :iagree: This.
> 
> I wonder if you even realize you don't love him any more.


I do love him, I just don't feel connected to him right now, I feel like a burden to him, a pain to him, and a frustration. He says it doesn't bother him, but his actions say otherwise, he is not as loving anymore towards me. He is often preoccupied by other activities. He is my best friend, I tell him everything. I have talked to him about my feelings and he tells me things will get better.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This may seem strange coming from me. I'm not exactly known as the great optimist around here. But I'm optimistic for you guys. I think your husband's right, things will get better. You need time. Keep trying. Keep having sex, even if it's not great right now. Show him you want it, and want it with him. Find reasons to compliment him. Make him feel like a catch. Spend time together. If he's doing other activities, horn in. I sense a success story in the making.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OMG back pain!!! Most people do not get how horrible that effects your quality of life. 

Once when I was in horrible back pain and binging on porn, I remember seeing this video where a guy was suspended half way upside down in his bed and I thought to myself, "Forget about sex, I wish I had that bed to stretch out my back!!!!!"

So if you and your husband are on a budget, for sure he could rig up something of this nature with PVC pipes to help you two make the most of the situation! As for friends and family that might come over and see it, you can claim that it is "just to help stretch your back" and they will think you are legit!

At least you and your husband can get a good laugh discussing this idea! 

Cheers...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Has he asked to be set free?

Why do you think his will and his mood is your responsibility? Likewise, why would your will and emotional state be his?

If you want to be married to him, the tell him loudly you love him and want to be with him. If he hears you say that you don't care then I guarantee you he is feeling unloved. If you don't love him nor want to be with him, and have no desire to meet his relationship needs and you aren't willing to ask him to help you meet yours, then why are you married to him?

Now if you want to meet each other's needs, but life is putting too many obstacles in each others way, then you deal with the obstacles together - you don't abandon each other, even if it takes 5 years, 10 years 15 years... etc.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I have felt depressed surely. My first surgery was supposed to fix things, and did for a bit, it was wonderful, until two screws broke (my back). Then I had to have emergency surgery, less than 6 months after the first.
> I have shared my thoughts with him, but I don't get feedback other than he is fine.


A guess based on personal history. You were out of commission for a long time, he still had a need for sex which may not make too much sense to you as a women. So there is this internal mental battle going on in his head where he really NEEDS to get laid but you are not available and really, wouldn't he be a total douche bag if he complained about THAT with you recovering from surgery etc.? 

Then you went and told him to go else where, that sets off a whole other set of internal mind games. After a while you need to detach to preserve your sanity, it hurts too much to hold all those thoughts in your head at once. The continuing detachment, or inability to switch it back on in other words, may be related to the hall pass comment more than the rest of it. You aren't getting feedback because he'd have to admit to some pretty selfish thought processes and he doesn't want to do that, hence the silence. 

Keep trying, maybe apologize for the comment. Blame it on the back pain


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

you can't "free" someone. 

People free themselves.

Which, it sounds to me, is really what you want.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Throw your baggage away.

Sometimes you have to do things for him. Something he has to do things for you. That's a marriage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I do love him, I just don't feel connected to him right now, I feel like a burden to him, a pain to him, and a frustration. He says it doesn't bother him, but his actions say otherwise, he is not as loving anymore towards me. He is often preoccupied by other activities. He is my best friend, I tell him everything. I have talked to him about my feelings and he tells me things will get better.


This makes me think you need drugs. WOMEN here are free to correct me but I love him, he is my best friend I tell him everything are things I hear the women here say are many of the things that give them the basis for being horny.

RE not as loving and other activities. He is replacing you with other activities. Believe it or not, beats him replacing you with another woman.

Deliberate courseness here to make a point. Men bond to their women through the woman letting him put a nice big sticky load between her legs then she says how much she liked it. MANY men are perfectly content with a single woman's vagina being the recipient of those loads. MEN NEED TO SPEW THEIR LOADS IN THEIR MATES. ITS BIOLOGICAL. YOU ARE PUSHING HIM AWAY. STOP IT!

THIS LOOKS SAVABLE. 

SAVE IT!

Yes I know there are other issues but your words scream some kind of medical something that I am unqualified to diagnose.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He fell in love with your heart and that is the part of you that he's feeling disconnected from. Suggesting that he have sex with someone else only made that worse. Your back is injured but if your heart is still in the game, you can still be intimate with the guy and that's what both of you are missing. To be unnecessarily crude about it, he can get himself off. He can't make himself feel loved and wanted. My wife has mental health issues and some physical maladies that make sex difficult for her, too. I can take the loss of sex in stride as long as I know she misses it, too, and that she hasn't lost affection for me. When he comes to you for sex, what he's really looking for is intimacy and there are all sorts of ways you and he can build and share intimacy. You aren't trapping anyone. You didn't ask for these medical conditions. He knows where the door is but he chooses to stay because he loves you. This isn't you against him. This is a couple dealing with a couple problem.


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