# Same old...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So we were very lucky to get away for a couple nights . We have a planned vacation coming up but got offered by my parents to watch the kids as there was some stuff near them they wanted to take the kids to. So we said hell let's just get away so we did!

Had a lovely time staying in a hotel and exploring locally. My H loved the spontaneity and for two days has been in an awesome mood. He has also been very loving and affectionate initiated himself and I felt very close and connected to him. I felt completely comfortable being affectionate by holding hands, snuggling etc and initiating stuff which I had not long ago been reluctant to do as he had been rejecting me a lot.

Great? Yeah! Until we got home. I swear, once we'd put our bags down when we got in his whole attitude shifted. I mean, we joke about "post vacation blues" but it was literally like flicking a switch. He came in the room to ask if I needed anything from the store, I shimmied up to him to put my arms round his waist and he flinched. He allmost reared back away from me. I hate him doing that and he knows it, but I was so taken aback by the abrupt change in mood. I said lightly"you flinched!" and he said "did I?" and did actually sound a bit awkward when he realized.

He has been testy with me as well. It's like the great weekend we had never happened and he is back to shying away and I can only think he's stepping back again from being close. I feel I should leave him and let him come to me again but being the "hotter" partner, it has been awesome these last two days to be able to act "warm" around him without being pushed away or rejected once. 

I guess I give him space right? Logically it feels the right option but his rejections are so... Blunt. He knows I hate being pushed away, I've told him many times. How do I address that even though he knows my feelings?
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't know your story but I used to do this to my husband. And even now after fixing it I still have trouble transitioning from one event to another. 

And when I pushed him away I didn't really want him to go away. In fact I wanted him to stay but I was so fearful of intimacy that I acted on impulse. My problem had NOTHING to do with how I felt about him.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

It might be stress related for him.

I know for me when I'm on vacation I put the cares of the world out of my mind entirely... once I get home (really on the way home), my mind shifts back. All the stresses I left behind come rushing back.

Now for me this doesn't effect me sexually (lol for me stress increases my drive). In general though when my mind is really focused on something, I go from being my normal affectionate self to being aloof. At times I catch myself wanting to push her off in a way get back to what's most on my mind... but I realize that these moments are rare so I fight that initial reaction.

Men often times get focused on one thing deeply and everything else is an unwanted distraction. It could be your husband is doing the same.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

^^^Hearing you both.

Mavash I suspect what you said holds true for my H. Last week I read up about the pursuer-distancer dynamic (my H being the distancer) and one of the theories I read about is that it is due to a fear of intimacy. He has talked about it generally so I think there may be a degree of that motivating it.

Browncoat, I think my H gets that focussed thing going on. Then he wants his space and stuff to go do what he is thinking about. That is fine with me. I just find the actual act of pushing me away or blocking his body... allmost offensive. Like it is a very personal rejection of me. I have explained many times and he allmost does not accept or even realize that he does it. His usual reasoning is that he just wants his space sometimes, or doesn't allways want to be touched. OK I understand but to reject me like that hurts a LOT.

Example. Imagine you go up to your spouse when they are washing up. You lightly put your arms round their waist and gently hug them. They turn round and wriggle to undo your arms and hold their hands up in the air as rhey turn to face you to show it is not reciprocated and frown. 

Example. You are stood talking to your spouse facing them. You step toward them to give them a quick hug like an accent to the conversation. They look down at you and step back quickly to avoid the hug. My H has done this multiple times in public and in front of family and it is humiliating.
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Wow sounds really terrible, so sorry. From some of your examples there's clearly more going on than just his mind being "focused".

Now I don't want to raise alarms, because this is a total stab in the dark, but are you sure he's faithful?

Was he affectionate earlier in your dating/marriage?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I did things like that too and I was faithful. My aversion to being affectionate stemmed from an abusive childhood where I had no control over my own body. It was a trigger.

So he could be a jerk or he could have issues that haven't been addressed.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I did things like that too and I was faithful. My aversion to being affectionate stemmed from an abusive childhood where I had no control over my own body. It was a trigger.
> 
> So he could be a jerk or he could have issues that haven't been addressed.


Could very well be, I really don't want to raise alarms if there's nothing to be concerned about.

Abuse in childhood can have a lot of long reaching affects (some may never go fully away). Pain like that can just run really deep, and comes out in all sorts of unexpected ways.

I would tend to think though that the situation that walkingwounded is talking about though would only come from serious/long-term abuse. Walking, did your husband go through a lot of abuse as a child or from past relationships?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

No history of abuse no. He had girlfriends before me but nothing significant. 

Also I am sure he is faithful. I keep a low key eye on stuff and there is nothing to indicate that.

I should clarify, he is not like that all the time. Truly he has improved a lot. But one thing is sure, he can be very blunt at times. I'm pretty considerate of my responses and his feelings but I don't think he has the same and doesn't realize how he comes across. He thinks I get upset at *any* rejection. Truth is it isn't allways the rejection or the reason, but the WAY he does it.

If he felt crowded and simply SAID "I need 5 minutes baby and I'll come find you" that is cool. Or "I need to decompress and go have some alone time but we can snuggle when the kids are in bed" that is good with me. But he can be so abrupt and instead of a word or two to explain he outsretches his arms to push me away. So hurtful.
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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Just out of curiosity is his family an affectionate one (do they touch each other)? Some families just don't touch one another (just don't want physical contact), others can't help but give hug warm hugs when they greet each other.


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