# I am being unreasonable?



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Okay, my STBXW wants to spend time with just our 5 year old. I would normally have no problem with this but....
She wanted to take our child to meet OM and his mother and sister who is in from out of town. I am not okay with this and told her I don't feel like this is in the best interest of our child. She, of course, doesn't see it that way and proceed to start a fuss. I simply hung up the phone. She was just convicted of 2 counts of domestic violence in court and doesn't always make the best decisions. I tried to explain that I am uncomfortable with the example that it was setting for our 5 year old but she was hearing nothing of it. 

Am I being unreasonable?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hell no.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Who did she assault?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I don't think so, but I don't know all sides of the story...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

She assaulted me in front of the children. She has stopped drinking and goes to AA every day and is making some positive changes. I am not ready for my kids to be introduced to OM and his family yet. I know some day I may not have a choice in the matter but today I do.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, you do, and I applaud you for it. A five year old is too young to be dragged into all this. Good for you.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies and the sanity check. This has been hardest on the kids. My 14 year old doesn't understand why it's a problem and just says "Mom doesn't love you anymore and wants to be with someone else, what is the problem if we meet him?" Teens just don't get it.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

Can she wait until everything is finalized and the divorce has been granted? Bad sign to send to kids. They are very observant and smarter than we think. Out of respect I would wait.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MarriedinVa, my 15yr refuses to meet or be in the same room with the OW, I don't blame her one bit since our daughter discovered the A. Our 11 yr doesn't know about the A yet, and under no circumstances would I allow them to go off with the STBXH and the OW to meet her family. Its the "SoonTBX" part of my H title, that I through in his face. He is still a married man and I want my children to learn that you don't start one relationship until you finish the first. You are not unreasonable.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is there anything that will be in your divorce decree that deals with this?

Have you talked to your lawyer about this?

What's to keep her from doing this another time and not telling you?


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Toffer,
No divorce decree yet In VA you have to be separated for a year before you can get a "no fault" divorce. The children live with me and there is no custody order in place. Can she take them and not tell me? Yes she can. If she does she knows I will move for sole custody and supervised visitation on her part. She has been convicted of domestic violence so no issue getting custody there.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

No. It is never unreasonable to love and protect your child - ever.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Pluto,
I am in agreement with you. She should finish our relatonship first before introducing our children to a potential step parent. The going wisdom is 6 months in a stable committed relationship before meeting someone new. They have only been together for a little less than two months. Not the right time as things are still pretty raw. She was told that she cannot see our daughter for this event. Hopefully separation agreement will be signed soon.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

MarriedinVa, I will add something you won't like to hear -- if the 14 year old is saying that, then I think you should let the 14 year old meet him. Not because it's a good idea -- I think we can all agree that it's probably not -- but because the 14 year old is at just that age where they are old enough to see what's going on, but not old enough to have any control. 

It's a horribly frustrating spot for them, so I think if they are actually articulating that they want to meet that person, you should allow it. Just to give them some sense of control over the process. Then if it all falls apart, they can feel free coming to you and saying what a horrible thing that was -- I hope I'm explaining myself well. 

It's a way of empowering them to see things clearly, rather than feeling all caught up in a power struggle that they cannot control.

But five year old? NFW


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

No. Your poor five year old.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Anything in the seperation agreement about over night guests of the opposite sex?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Married in VA said:


> Toffer,
> No divorce decree yet In VA you have to be separated for a year before you can get a "no fault" divorce. The children live with me and there is no custody order in place. Can she take them and not tell me? Yes she can. If she does she knows I will move for sole custody and supervised visitation on her part. She has been convicted of domestic violence so no issue getting custody there.


so why not move for full custody now? I'm not saying to deny visitation (maybe supervised). But that step could protect your children


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Almost,
If I move for sole custody, I will lose my job (active duty military) due to having no one to take custody of the children while I deploy. Unfortunately she will be needed in the picture for another few years and that is their mom. There is a morality clause in the separation agreement preventing overnight visits from non-family opposite gender guests. There is also a no public display of affection clause in front of the children and a no consumption of alcohol when children are present clause. All easy to enforce. I am not ready for my kids to meet the OM (only been together for 1 month and she's already cheated on him) or his family. I don't feel the relationship will last and I don't want my kids confused.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Completely understandable, MIVA, I wouldn't either.

BUT -- I really am sorry to say, I don't know how you can enforce it. You can ask her, but since it's nothing illegal or against the separation agreement, I don't think you can enforce your request.

What I would urge is to not let her put the kids in any kind of position where they are being asked to lie to you. (Don't tell Daddy we saw Charlie.) Because that's REALLY not fair to them. I guess tell them, esp the 14 yr old, that while you don't want them to meet the OM, that you will not be angry at them if they do. They're dealing with enough right now, poor kids.

Good luck. I wish the military would work with people in your position and just not deploy you any more, but I know it doesn't work that way. (Nine years at Fort Hood here...)


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> I am not ready for my kids to meet the OM (only been together for 1 month and she's already cheated on him) or his family. I don't feel the relationship will last and I don't want my kids confused.


If you have a proof of it, let the guy know. Seems the easiest way to keep your kids from meeting him.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

True, Keko, but he does have to co-parent with this woman for another 13 years. While being spiteful is gratifying in the short term, it may not be the most productive route in the long term.


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