# Have I ruined everything? Sorry this is so long.



## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

Hi this is my first post as you can see, I have been searching for a place for advice on how to handle my colossal screw up. And I hope I found it.

So here is the background, I'm 36yrs father of two wonderful kids(11/17). And the "Former" wonderful husband to my best friend of the last 17yrs. We meet in high school married, had a child very early and have been together ever since.

We have gone through our ups and downs in the last 17yrs. Neither of us have been perfect(no affairs or anything) and we know it. We have soldiered on though and developed a wonderful and happy trusting relationship together. We have really developed into each others soul mates. I can honestly say that there is not another person in this world who would ever replace my wife. And I don't ever want anyone else to replace her. So with that being said I'll get on with the story.

So last Friday before I went to work we were discussing our continuation in our Adopting process, we are currently enrolled in a china adoption processes. It's been ongoing for about 6yrs. Life is very good for us , we have the "normal" worries a mom and dad have about their kids at this age(social, school, sports) but we are very stable. So anyways, I get to work and about 3 hours in to my shift I get a call from my wife saying how she Hates me , she can't believe I would do this to her and she has never really known me in these last 17yrs. If we didn't have these kids and more money she would divorce me tomorrow. So I'm thinking WTF, what did I do. And I'm freaking out as she is laying this all on me. Then she says it. And I will admit I am not proud of what is to follow. But it is done and I can"t undo it. 

"*I Found The Tape You Made of Us......*

Now flash back to 10yrs ago, We have always had a healthy sex life. And we do to this day. I have always been extremely attracted to my wife. Even through the pregnancies, the changes it makes to ones body, I have loved her and been attracted to her as if it was the first time I laid eye on her. We have experimented a little bit at this point in our marriage(about 6-7yrs), nothing to crazy. I will say that I had always wanted to make a tape of us. I had asked her about it and never really persud it. She had said no because she was to self conscience(sp) about the way she looked. And like I said, she looked perfect to me. So one morning while she was getting ready for work I got it in my head that I would try and get us on tape, and then maybe show it to her and hopefully she would like it and we could do more. Now please before all the moral battering begins, I was 25 and I sometimes was kind of impulsive. I didn't think of the ramifications of what I was really doing. Just that "hey maybe she will dig it" SO I did it and got a short 5 min video of us. I asked if she would be willing to do a tape again a day or so later and she again shot me down, so I tucked the tape away for a later date. Hind site 20/20, I should have gotten the point and just threw the damned thing away. But I didn't I tucked it away and forgot about it.

Now back to the present, While looking for something else last Friday night she stumbled upon this tape. The one I had forgotten about and never destroyed. In the last 10yrs. since that tape I had never tried to make another one. I have always been honest with my wife and since then we have had a great relationship. Both in the bedroom and out. We are completely compatible with each other. 

Now everything is ruined, She won't look at me she doesn't want to be near me. She has asked me to leave. I sleep in another bedroom. When I sleep at all. I have lost 15 lbs in the last 6 days since this has happened because I can't eat. I don't know what to do. Or if there is anything I can do. I tried to tell her that it was a stupid mistake I made 10yrs ago,That I'm sorry, but she doesn't care. She says I have ruined any trust that we had and that the person she loved wouldn't have done this to her. I tried to tell her that I can prove to her that I'm not like that, but I don't know how. Like I said in the beginning There was nothing wrong with us, we were in a perfect place in our lives, so I don't know what to do. Can I fix this? Or has my marriage been ruined on a 5 min tape made 10yrs ago? 

Please help I am lost with out her. She is everything to me. I don't want to lose her, or my family.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This is nearly identical to another thread on here from not long ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well it was something pretty stupid. And not distorying it was even stupider.

That said, it's really stupid to end a good, long term marriage over a 10 year old video that has sat unnotice in a closet all this time. 

Your wife is going to have her fit over this as she should. But I doubt she will give up an otherwise good man, good husband and father for this. If she does she's not a very brite woman. Does she realize how hard it would be for her to find a man who cares for her the way you do?

Empathize with her, appologize till the cows come home. Buy her flowers. Grovel... until she forgives you. But don't let it go on beyond some reasonable period of punishment. Don't let her punish you for the rest of your life over this.


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## JUDGEDREAD (Nov 3, 2012)

I don't believe you've ruined everything. However that being said it is more than just the video...but a violation of trust. So, in the back of her head she is wondering what else you may have done in the last 10 years that she doesn't know about..or wondering if you put it online..etc. Also perhaps the chance that the kids could have seen it or come across it at some point. 

It will take some time for her to get over it. Especially if she is so against video making. Try to get her at a time when you guys are alone and ask her to tell you how it makes her feel, and what other concerns she has. Give her space too. Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h did this without my permission and I can't tell you how violated I felt. It was awful knowing he did this without my permission. I found the tape right away and it did not end our marriage. There were other factors that ended the marriage. I never got over the fact that he did this to me. Luckily I got a hold of the tape and destroyed it. 

You need to be upfront and honest to your wife. Let her know that you didn't watch it. Tell her you tucked away the video in case she agreed to the taping.

You will probably get through this, but currently your wife does not trust you. What you did was very disrespectful 10 years ago. You may even need to get some MC as help. Or your wife will need time to cool off. 

I'm not sure what my reaction would be if I found something like this 10 years later. I don't know if I'd be less ticked off and violated.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tell your wife you want to talk to her privately for a few minutes when SHE has time.

Sit down across from her, hold her hands, look her in the eyes and say, "I am VERY sorry about making that tape when you were VERY CLEARLY against it. It was very wrong of me and I regret it sincerely. I understand it is less about what is ON the tape and MORE about violating your trust. I get that. PLEASE let us find a way to work through this. Tell me what your fears are about this situation.

Are you afraid I made more tapes and didn't tell you?
Are you afraid I showed them to others or posted them on the internet?
Are you afraid the children saw them? Or COULD have seen them?"

Then SHUT UP and let her express her fears and anger. You may nod in understanding, but SHUT UP and do NOT attempt to defend yourself, or make her feel better or anything else. JUST LET HER VENT HER ANGER/FRUSTRATION/WHATEVER uninterrupted by you.

When she is done (and she may very well be crying by then), tell her that you can really see her side of it (and if you DON'T, go tell your sister what you did and let HER hit you in the head with a 2x4 until you DO).

Tell her that you will do WHATEVER it takes to help her feel better and more in control of this situation. Does she want you to take a polygraph test? You will be VERY WILLING (don't say 'happy', ain't nothing happy about this situation) to take one and answer ANY/ALL questions she has about this situation. Does she want to get rid of the video cam and just shoot still shots of the kids and family events? Then you'll throw it out, donate it, sell it on Craig's list, whatever. Does she want to talk to a counselor (with or without you) about how violated she feels? You will support that 100% from watching the kids to driving her there to whatever she wants from you.

Let her lead and you SHUT UP about the situation. Now, if she does NOTHING proactive about the situation for 3 months, but just wants to bring it up and throw it in your face, YOU NEED TO STEP UP AND SAY, "(wife's name), THIS is NOT solving anything. Nothing has changed with regard to this; you don't feel any better about trusting me, I don't feel we're moving forward together in resolving this. It IS TIME we see a professional together so we can get control of this situation in a mature manner. We've tried it ourselves without success LONG ENOUGH." Then do it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I would be pissed at you & destroy the tape. Her nuclear reaction to this one indiscretion seems extreem. There has got to be more to this story.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Show her this thread.
Maybe she will be more understanding if she sees your remorse written out in words.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I would be pissed at you & destroy the tape. Her nuclear reaction to this one indiscretion seems extreem. There has got to be more to this story.


I disagree! As a woman, I would be concerned about whether there were more tapes, longer tapes, more explicit tapes, tapes that other people loaned him, etc. And I wouldn't think he was in ANY POSITION TO BE BELIEVED when he denied it.

Just My Opinion


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Ya know.. Slowlygettingwiser has a point.

She could be very worried that you have other longer tapes made. Or that they are not hidden in the house. You've broken a trust issue here. 
I still say, show her this thread.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I used to have the same feelings as you & even took "private" photos as well. I wasn't proud of it but the few that I took we're stored in encrypted files on my iPod touch so her or anyone else would never stumble on them. I only kept them for a short time before I deleted them, still encrypted.
I think my wife would have been ticked as well but not enough to ruin a marriage. She actually let me take a nude one while on vacation years before. You made a mistake but you didn't put it on the net or anything, nobody else saw it so that is forgivable to me. If she would throw away 17 yrs for this, then you weren't as strong as you thought?


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

So it's has been a little over a month since my initial problems started. So I thought I would give a little update on what's been going on, and how we have been doing. 

First I would like to answer some of the Questions people asked/posted in their comments to my original posting. 

The tape I made was the only one. It was for my own viewing and I never had the intentions of showing others. It was only about a 4-5 min tape made while my wife was getting ready for work.

There is not more to this story than what I have told, I think my wife’s poor self image, and the fact that she felt so betrayed caused the "nuclear" reaction.

Now on to the update. So I spent the first two weeks in our spare bedroom, and on the couches since my wife had a hard time even having me in the same room as her. I would make up stories to the kids about falling asleep watching football or something along those lines. We had talked about it some, and she asked me to go stay with my mom for a couple weeks. I talked her out of this because I knew if I left then it would be for good. If she had to deal with our 17yol son( he can be hard to handle sometimes), and a 11 yol daughter who has never known anything but her parents together, crying for her father every night. It would make her resent me and what I did even more. I know this from personal experience, because my father walked out on us when I was 7. I spent many nights crying and screaming for him to come home. It really took a toll on my mother. So after about 2 wks we started interacting some, not a lot, but it was a start. I kept telling her how sorry I was, how much she meant to me. How I never meant to hurt her and how I was going to prove to her that she was my whole world. So I proceed to do everything I could think of to show her what she means to me. I send her flowers; I write her notes and cards declaring my love for her. I clean the house and make her dinner every night. Anything I can think of I do. So some time has passed and things are calming down between us some. We have spent some nice weekends together, made it through Thanksgiving with out to much drama, and even proceeded to get our Christmas tree together. We are not fine by any means. There are times when she tells me that things are different between us and that I have changed everything. To which I tell her that they will be different, but hopefully we can work through those and get back to, if not "normal" to almost normal.
We have been intimate on several occasions, which were fantastic as always. Although after our first time she told me that she felt guilty and that it didn't mean anything. I said that it meant everything to me and that she is still a woman who has needs. I am very competent at satisfying her, and I take great pride in it. 

As good as things have been going there are also some points that I take concern with. She has a tendency when ever anything goes wrong; to suggest that I move out, and that it would help her make sure that this(our relationship) is what she really wants. Even if it has nothing to do with what the problem is? I don't get that. She also will not, and has not said since this has all happened that she loves me. And she refuses to be the one to initiate any display of affection. I always catch her reaching for my hand or arm, and catching herself and pulling it back. She will hold my hand or lean her head on me if I initiate it, but won't do it herself. I have showered her with affection since this all started and try to tell her endlessly that I love her, but I will admit that some days I am tired and I might not do it as often as other days, or I might have something else on my mind for whatever reason. She will tell me on those days that I am not trying very hard to show her how much she means to me. 

It gets very frustrating some times, but I know I created this mess and that it is what I have to deal with if I want this to work. I thank everyone who has helped with their thought and input. This is a very challenging time for us. It is defiantly not how I pictured our lives going. And I defiantly wouldn't have though that something like this could cause such a devastating effect on the woman I love. I just hope that she comes to realize how sorry I am, and how much she means to me
.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I defiantly wouldn't have though that something like this could cause such a devastating effect on the woman I love.


I'm wondering if that _"defiantly"_ wasn't a freudian slip, OP? 

Perhaps what's going through you W's head is "Do I really know him? I've trusted him all these years, yet he made a tape of us after me expressly telling him not to." She's possibly wondering if you showed it to other people, if you actually made other tapes that you're not admitting to and if you are in fact telling her the truth about all this.

The only thing you can do is win her trust and promise that this will never happen again. Communication is key and you need to convince her that you are sorry and that you are telling her the truth.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

yes it was a slip, it was supposed to be deffently. My spelling is horrible, so bad that some times spell check says "WTF". 

Those are some of the exact words she spoke to me. I have been trying to show her exactly that. Thanks for the heads up on the spelling.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I agree with many her - the reaction is a bit too much. I would get really angry and the husband would be in the dog house for long time but DIVORCE? People forgive affairs and that's much bigger betrayal


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are wise to no move out. I agree that if you do, your marriage would most likely be over.

Give her some more time... hopefully she will not go on like this much longer.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I've read all you've wrote and I can empathize with what you're going through...

*About her reaction then - *
I know many here feel that the wife is over-reacting...partly because taking sexy videotapes of one's spouse is not really uncommon, hence anyone would find it difficult to side the wife over such an extreme reaction....if anything, everyone sees your mistake as being a violation of her privacy - not more... 

However I wonder if there are cultural differences in play here... I wanted to ask, are you from a different culture? The culture that I come from (i.e. back home) the primary reason sexy videotapes (blue films) are secretly recorded (even by spouses) would be to sell them on for money... what I'm trying to say is that what's normal/acceptable in one culture isn't in another... 

Either way, you've broken her trust so you have to work to rebuild it and sounds like you are trying hard...if it's self-image issues and mistrust that's caused her reaction, I hope she forgives your actions soon enough...from your last post it sounds like she's coming around...but yes, its not wrong to gently let her know that you're trying quite hard and that you'd hope to see some effects soon enough...

*As for now -*
You are doing everything from your end...in fact, possibly a bit too much!
I don't think you should be bending over backwards to overdo it as that would drive her away too... she needs to see you as an equal partner who's committed a mistake and making up for it...not begin to see you as someone below her... 

I'd think that you should steadily continue to make her realize that she's your life while yet giving her her space and you having your's (daily words of affirmation, a few physical touches everyday, maybe get her a bouquet/card once a week, help with some of the housework/kids etc) ...if she's had grievances about things that you haven't done in the past (like unfixed shelves etc) then now's a good time to do it...
However, I don't see that doing all the housework, showering her with attention/affection during every available spare moment, buying her loads of gifts, expensive dates etc is necessarily the way... show her you love her on a regular basis, but don't lose your identity while doing so...she's more likely to be attracted to a confident husband who accepts his mistakes gracefully and marches on calmly with his responsibilities, rather than one who appears insecure and is trying too hard...
Imagine this, once she accepts you and things fall back to normal, she might become resentful that you're not continuing to do all these things as she might have gotten so used to feeling 'entitled' (and I already see traces of these expectations in your last post)

By the way, the 'move out' threats should not be used as a shield during every major argument...if it were to really happen one day she'd realize how devastating that would be to such a committed couple...so gently remind her to refrain from using such threats in future...


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## 22years (Dec 5, 2012)

I don't know - this sounds similar to my predicament, though one step further. I had a journal/note entry about about sex life (when we are intimate), along with other entries on our disagreements, her being pissed at me etc. she discovered this and now wants to divorce me.

While I can understand a woman being upset with being video-recorded with knowledge of her being naked or intimate, I think your wife is taking this way too far. Guys are visual and if you love your wife and live the way she looks - especially w/o clothes -there is temptation to record. I'd love if my wife recorded a video of herself in sexy underwear or clothes (she is extremely attractive). I'm not saying its right, but it's not like you were having an affair. 

In my opinion - she's holding this grudge way too long. Everybody makes mistakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> You are doing everything from your end...in fact, possibly a bit too much!
> I don't think you should be bending over backwards to overdo it as that would drive her away too... she needs to see you as an equal partner who's committed a mistake and making up for it...not begin to see you as someone below her...


As a woman, I have to say that THIS RIGHT HERE is the God's honest truth!!! Do NOT become her doormat because you made a (really stupid & deceitful) mistake. She will not respect you if you're forever grovelling to her and begging for forgiveness. You've given her a month of butt-kissing, now KNOCK IT OFF and be a man!

Secondly, her perpetual threats to have you move out EVERY TIME she is unhappy about something in your marriage is childish. Tell her that those kinds of threats are unfair. Buy a book on how to fight FAIRLY and READ IT, ask her to read it, too.

If she STILL continues to threaten to have YOU move out whenever she's unhappy, remind her that the door opens just as wide for HER azz as it does for yours...she can walk!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

lost21j said:


> yes it was a slip, it was supposed to be deffently. My spelling is horrible, so bad that some times spell check says "WTF".
> 
> Those are some of the exact words she spoke to me. I have been trying to show her exactly that. Thanks for the heads up on the spelling.


OP, she will probably get over this in time. It's something you did a long time ago, and it sounds as though you guys have a good marriage. 

You've apologized, told her it will never happen again and perhaps it's now time to let nature take its course.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

Well new update. 
So first I would like to answer Zings question about cultural diiferences. No there are none. 

Now on to the update. So things have been going better as of late. We have really been getting along well, spending alot of time together. We are intimate on a regular basis. I don't know if that really matters or not, but we are. Well it does matter I thought but more on that in a minute. We have been getting ready for Christmas and enjoying the holiday as much as we can. We have been shopping, out to dinners and lunch's. Everything seemed to be going preatty well. Although she still constantly reminds me that "Everything Is Not Fine Between Us" as if I need a reminder. Along with this ,she also says stuff like "I don't love you anymore" as we are cuddled up on the couch. Or " I don't like you any more" durring or times on the couch. Now I can't tell if she is serious or joking. Regardless it bothers me, but I don't know what to say. I have lived with her for almost 19yrs, ben together a little over 20yrs. and I know exactly what her reply would be. She will say" You lost that right". Which in a way I feel I have, but for christ sakes I still have feelings. Am I wrong on this? I don't know. 

So the other night, Tuesday, we are laying in bed before I head to work, and we start to get intimate. It is going along good and just as we start to have sex she completly shuts down, starts looking away from me and won't talk to me. I stop and ask her what's wrong and she say's nothing. I know what's wrong, I don't know why I asked. It is just the way I am. So she dosen't respond to my questions or affections of just holding her. Instead she rolls over and tells me I better get going to work so I'm not late. Now for the record we were intimate the night before and she seemed t oreally enjoy it. So I leave and the following day it's more of the same. I get home from work, get the daughter on the bus and there is nothing from her. She says goodbye and out the door she goes to work. Then tonight when I leave for work more of the same, So I called her while on a break and start asking her about it, and she tells me she can't do this any longer, That it is all she thinks about. That I'm a sleaze ball, and only a low life loser would do something like that...........WTF I thought we were getting better, and then out comes this. Out of now where. I am out of my mind right now because I don't know what to do. I really think she can't get over this or dosen't want to get over this. I don't know what to do............


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Don't blame yourself for being confused as I'm the woman and I'm confused even more. The sentences like "I don't like you anymore" when cuddling - well - I use them when I'm pissed off at my partner about something but still love them. It's like a reminder to him that somewhere inside I'm still angry. It's like telling my OM "I still hate you" when he blows the meeting but still hanging on the phone for an hour.

The rest of her behavior just doesn't fit at all. Either you area sleazeball and she won't become intimate or she got over it. The only 2 things which come to my mind is 1. she is trying to use your video as the excuse to get out of marriage and make you a "bad guy" or 2. she is getting some dumb advice from her girlfriend hence enjoy sex first then follow the advice and shut you down

The best right now is to cool off. She doesn't want sex - well don't go there.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

The sex is not the issue. I can deal with not having it. It's the sudden change with her behavior that has me stumped.It's the we just had sex yesterday and it was great, but today I hate you? I want this to work more than anything. Like I said in my OP we have been in a real good place for a long time. I am just having a hard time comprehending that something I did 8-10yrs ago is about to ruin everything I hold dear in my life. 

It's one thing for a couple who are constantly fighting or has other issues that force them apart. But these issues are a product of both partners involved. So they both bear the blame for the collapse of the marriage. It is another thing totally when you know the only reason your family is destroyed is all your fault. There is nothing worse than knowing how much you let the ones you loved down. That you failed them.

How do you tell a child that there family is falling apart because of something stupid you did a while ago. How are you supposed to look at them and tell them that this horrible thing is happening for some dumb reason that you can't even share with them. I can't do that! I don't want to do that!

Maybe it will be different tomorrow. Maybe she just needed to blow of some steam. I can at least tell myself that right....


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Maybe you wife just wants off and this gives her the way to do it.I can see being mad but this is just way over the top.If she wants to throw your marraige away because of something you did when you were 25 whne we do dumb things,how much does she want to be with you. 

Tell you kids you did somehikng stupid when you were 25 and mommy cannot accept the applogy which you have taught them to do thir whole lives,


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

So do you mean to she that she's never done anything wrong... never done anything in the last two decades that would embarrass you... NEVER EVER?
If she hasn't - it could only mean two things 
1) That she is pristine clean and always plays by the rules 
or
2) She's having double standards and your expectations in a marriage are not as high as hers....

Either way, I think doing the 180 might give you marriage some chances of a recovery... and you have to be dedicated at it... a few people advised you about it - did you start following up on it...
You've pleaded, begged, grovelled everything... you've shown her enough times that you think she is not worth losing...I think its better for you to stop now... now its time for HER to realize that you are not worth losing...
If after the 180 and self-help she still doesn't realize this fact then you know she never loved/valued you as much as you did her in the first place... 
Her expectations might be higher than yours - but what is true love without forgiveness? Especially, when the partner is showing true remorse!

Best of luck to both of you


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

To be honest I'm still at the grovelling stage, so no I have not tried any of it. Where do I find this 180 info. It is worth a shot. Because what I'm currently doing is not working.

Also What if she asks me to move out again. I have a feeling that is coming after tha holiday's are up. How should I handle that. I know from friends who have gone through the big D, that if I move out it is considered adbandoment. That is the last thing I want. 

Do you think the 180 can start to work in a week's time?

Anyway, Thanks for the advice and help everyone. and thanks for being and ear to listen to my problems. It is a great help.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

From what I have read/deduced here in the site, 180 starts showing results from anywhere within a week to three months even 6 months maybe... divorce is a long process and your wife will have time to notice the changes before then...

I would definitely request one of the fellow members to chip in...firstly I'm comparatively new here and a woman so my input could be different to theirs...but, here's what I picked from different threads here... I like calling it self-help rather than alpha/beta as its more of a grey area rather than a black-white entity!

Basically at this point you sound quite needy so all of this advice goes against the very thing you are doing...but, trust me its advice to help your wife see who you are capable of being (rather than just who you are now)

*What ladies like 
*1) Most ladies like a confident man... a man who is not afraid to apologize, but at the same time someone who wouldn't stoop low or lose his self-respect while doing so...
2) Most ladies like a man who knows what he wants...a man who is calm and gentle - yet assertive and will not bend his principles (which should be just principles of course)... i.e. you are happy to let your wife have 'her' time and take care of the kids for her, but if she does not let you go out to have 'your' time, then don't give in to it... play fair, but be firm!
3) Most ladies like a man who knows how to lay down the rules while not appearing rude/brash while doing so - a person who has very likeable and respectable 'leader'-like qualities... 
4) Most women like a man who is not any of the two extremes on the emotional-scale -Neither too aloof/distant/dismissive/curt nor too needy/clingy/whiny/teary... someone who is sensitive, but knows how to control his emotions the right way...
5) Most women like a man who has good personal grooming & hygiene! Be physically attractive - it takes some effort, but pays well!
6) Obviously, most women like a man who is not afraid to show her that he loves her (but you have done loads of this so possibly step back from this aspect)

*Follow this as much as you can - 
*Be a man that not only knows what he wants, but is willing to pursue what he wants. - so go out and start any hobbies for yourself in your free time...is there anything you've been meaning to do for a while and have put it off...start doing it..if you know that you're giving your kids and wife enough time during the day then start doing things FOR YOURSELF not for others...don't ignore/neglect others, but make time to live for YOURSELF TOO...that will show your wife that you are a strong individual...a strong personality...

Be a man that not only will stand up for himself, but seems to enjoy doing so.
When your wife starts with the 'I don't know if I love you thingy' don't respond needily... in fact stop showing her that you love her so much...Don't initiate affection/love/sex since she is not valuing that now...if she initiates respond to her, but don't look like a love-sick puppy when you do so...do it out of regard & duty (till she wholeheartedly takes you back in that is)

If she continues with her act, answer her this with a straight-face _'I know I love you... I might have done a grave mistake 10 years ago...but I have never done anything beyond that that should make you fall out of love with me so...I only did it because I was young and wanted to look at you when I could...generally men masturbate to other ladies on porn, but I wanted to do so to your video...but if you consider it wrong that I did it without your knowledge, I respect that and I respect that you are taking time to consider things...I know I have apologized many times and promised you nothing of the sort will happen in future....to err is human, and I have tried to make-up for it...however, if you think that one fault of mine was enough to erase 20 years of togetherness, I cannot do much more to convince you otherwise...I have demonstrated that I am willing to fight for you, but if you do not see the dedication in me to do so, I will let you go...

I am/have been very earnest in all of my efforts as a husband...I've been loyal, a good provider, loved you all dearly, supported you, empathized with you during the lows, been there for my children...so I know I don't need to prove myself any more...my actions have done so...I will give you your space and let you decide for yourself'_ 

Now, that will be a man that commands respect - accepting your mistakes, but not grovelling! You would have been a man that has demonstrated you're willing fight for her (even if you are actually fighting her). 
This is a man that's desirable to other women. Be a man that is confident and bold and comfortable with himself.

Make her & your family your first love...but don't make them the only love... show her that you have other interests too!

And personality wise start working on yourself...(have an aura of mystery if needs be) Start exercising, Go to the gym, start dressing better for yourself not for her, use cologne/perfume if you like, always sport well-groomed hair/nails, wear good shoes, go for a wardrobe revamp if that needs be! 
Don't expect her to notice (and believe me she will)...Don't ask her what you want to wear, wear it... Don't ask her how you look, dress confidently...

Get her attracted to you and don't fall back to your old habits once things become comfy again...


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Make sure there isn't anyone else and sounds like she's using your mistakes to get out of marriage and divorce you. 

I don't know why but sounds like it's on her now...not on you. 
Too much drama !


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep start snooping shes using it to her advantage.might of been someone the whole time and she is using this as her out.

in the video you only caught her getting dressed ....correct?

if so she is overreacting in my opinion.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Do a search for the 180 on this forum. Do it NOW! Or go to the coping with infidelity subforum, many posters have the link in their signature. Don't quit until you find it!

Your wife should read my original thread about my cheating husband, then maybe she would appreciate you.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Oh by the way, what Zing posted is not the official 180, although her comments are good. You still need the real deal!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Also bring up counseling.

Your wife DEFINITELY has other things going on. Whether she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a while or worse. She's taking a mistake and turning this into something much worse than it is.

INSIST on counseling.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sir, you have to stop grovelling and buying into her marriage killing agenda.

Here is what you did. You made a mistake. A bad mistake but a mistake. You did this when you were 25 years old. Take ownership of the fact you made a mistake.

Now, it's up to her to judge you for this mistake versus all the other things you have done in your marriage and as a father.

Make sure that is the conversation you are having.... That you made a mistake and you are sorry you made a mistake. But that you know in your heart that you are a great husband to her, a great father to your children, and are proud of what you have done and built in your life. You are proud and know in you heart that the best thing for your children and all of your futures is for your marriage to stay together. And, that if she sees things differently, that she is welcome to move out and file for divorce.


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## Batty (Dec 20, 2012)

If your son or daughter, as a joke, secretly made a video of your wife walking around in her underwear, would she tell them she no longer loved them, and then kick them out of the house. Doubtful.

Tell her to either get over it, or tell you what's really going on.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

I don't know what the heck is going on. I don't think she is having an affair or that there is anyone else. Of course I'm sure a lot of people have said the same thing when there was something going on. 

*THIS GETS KIND OF GRAPHIC SO READER BEWARE*
On to yesterdays happenings. So I get home from work(I work nights 12 hrs shifts) and she is getting ready to head out to finish up some last minute shopping and then come back and finish wrapping presents. We had decided to do this together earlier in the week before she was mad at me again. So I asked if she wanted me to go with her. She said she didn't care, I could tell from her body language that there wasn't any tension to her. So I went. We were fine. Had normal conversation, joked around, laughed a little. It was a nice morning. So we get home and she tells me to go to bed and get some sleep. I usually don't get alot of sleep and she often gets mad(not serious, but worried) that I don't sleep enough. She said she has the wrapping under control. So I go to bed with mixed feelings, but hopefull that she is over the previous nights ordeal. So come late afternoon she comes up to bed to wake me up to start getting ready for work. She tells me how tired she is, that there were more presents than she thought. I suggest she takes a nap. Now mind you that she is laying in bed next to me. I sleep naked(sorry if that is TMI). She says ok, then says "make me orgasim first"??????? I am confused, because 8 hrs ago she wanted nothing to do with me , and I was a slimball, loser?????(*This is were it gets graphic)* Well any way's I oblige(sp) her, because I love to do it. So during our marraige we have had really good sex. One of the things she enjoys most is watching me go down on her. She then like to have me finish her, by touching her and kissing her. We dirty talk about her being with another woman while I watch or I participate. She licks my mouth and around it tasting herself. We have done this for years, but this time it ends a little differently. She gets off, but I don't push the issue of myself doing the same. We lay in bed and she says to to me "Do you think I'm GAY?" "Do you think I really want to be with a women?" I kind of just look at her and am quiet for a second before I answer. She quickly says that she is attracted to men, but she dosen't know about women. Then as a joke she throw's in "you would probably like to record that" as she pulls on my armpit hair kiddingly. Then the subject changes. And we start talking about the kids and how their school days went. I get up and take a shower and she heads back down stairs to start making dinner. 

Now I am confused in a diferent way. Maybe all of this is due to some feelings she is confused about having. Maybe she is having some feelings towards the same sex that she is not sure how to handle. It could be that our simple fantasies have started to take a shape she wwasn't expecting. I don't know what to think now. Everything is taken a whole new direction for me. Although I don't think I am any closer to an answer.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

Your wife needs counselling.

What you did was stupid (violating her trust) but I think there are other issues in the background and your wife is using the video excuse to bring them to the surface.

Never leave the home. Do not give her space.

If she wants you to leave then tell her there is the door for her to leave. But also add that you love her, care for her and want her to feel good about herself and your marriage.

She needs a counsellor to speak with. You need to be involved so you understand what is going on.

It sounds like your wife is torn about something else. And I do not think she trusts you enough anymore to confide in.

Bring in a professional neutral party.

What do you have to lose?

HM64


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

I suggested going to a MC, but she shot it down real quick like. She is very shy when it comes to talking about her feelings. I will give it another shot though. It can't hurt to try again.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I wonder if watching her own self in that video ended up opening a can of worms... 

Her bottled up feelings could have been released when she realized she was being attracted to the female form - she possibly has been trying to fight it all these years and watching the video you took has now resulted in it all coming back....hence, her becoming repeatedly irritated with you for having done it in the first place???

I could be way off base here, but does she hold you somewhat responsible for leashing her inner demons...hence she's possibly dragging you through this roller coaster ride as she battles the turmoil possibly due to her moral/ethical/cultural mindset...I don't know? It could be that she doesn't want to give up on you because she knows you are not wrong, but she can't help being attracted to women now...I hope I'm wrong and its not as complicated as this...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Please reread my post. She can be all over the place. Your attitide remains straight as an arrow. You made a mistake but you are proud of your life, your abilities as a husband and a father... and if she doesnt see it that way she can leave.

Do not react to her bouncing around all over the place. Let the calm wash all over you knowing that she can make her own decisions. Don't further beg and plead and try to appease the beast.

Regarding the sex / gay part... Don't ever breath life into the You could be gay thing... IF it comes up again its ok to reassure her that fantasys are normal and healthy. What you have is awesome. But your marriage will always be one man and one woman.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

I don't think I'm going to dwell on the whole "gay" thing to much. She has never said or acted out in that way in the 20 yrs. I have been with her. Other than the fantasy talk in bed. 

I think I was/am more confused by the intimacy (or level of) that we are having. I guess if she really felt like I was a slimeball we wouldn"t be having it. Just the back and forth is wearing me out. I never know wich why she is going.

I also think I'm fianlly starting to get to the point of "I have done as much as I can for now, And now the ball is in her court" Along the line of what Hicks is saying. 

Again thanks for all the advice, and listening to me ramble on. I will keep updating this as time goes on.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

Is it possible for the one who is being threatened with being left to have a 180 move put on them. I am getting a feeling that that is the way my wife has been acting the last couple of days. I thought I was the one to be doing the 180. 

Is it possible for a couple to do the 180 to each other at the same time?


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

Hey all, hope everyone had a good hloiday season, and a good start to the new year. Just jumped on here for an update on what has been going on.

So things have been pretty much the same. We are still getting along for the most part. There are good days and some bad days. We made it through the holidays with out any issues. There were a couple of days in there were she didn"t talk to me or look at me. But they came and went. I still don't know how to handle those days. Or why they happen.

But I have come to a realization that no matter what happens between us life will go on. I have not felt that way before. In the begining I thought if she left me life would be over. Now I know it won't be. 

So the new year starts and thing are going well. Until today and things kind of implode. 

It started off with her getting up this morning and not saying a word or anything to me. Now every morning that I'm home in the A.M(I work nights) I get mt daughter up for school, get her around make lunch and also make my wifes lunch. This has been our rutine for as long as I can remember. SO it is second nature to me. So she comes down and doesn't even acknowledge me. I can feel the ice radiating from her. It's cold here this morning and so The van is started and getting warm for her. As she finishes the toppings for her salad she asks, and not very warmly. "Is the van started" I say yes and she just goes about what she is doing. She then asks me as she is walking out the door "Did you get gas in the van" Nope I forgot it needed it. I tell her she has enough to get to work and back, but she just says "what ever, I'll figure it out" and leaves. I slam the door and am pissed. 

So I go about doing some stuff in the basement and start to think. The wife is only 15 min from the house, I will go get the van and fill it with gas. This should brighten her day because she certiantly seemed like she could have used it. I go and get the van from her work, as I'm getting in it, I get a text from her that says " I'm having a hard day today. It just keeps running through my head and I can't stop thinking about it. I have lost all trust in you and us" Followed by " The thing is nothing you say can change anything, it's just to hard" 

Now I have been dealing with this for 3 months and every time something happens between us she goes right to "we should break up, I'm not happy and can't get over it" I have come to realize that she has to be the one who needs to forgive me. That she has to be the one who wants to start to forgive me. No matter what I do I can't make her do it. She has to do it for herself. She has to want to do it, and that is where I feel she is failing. I don't know if she wants to start forgiving me. At least it doesn't feel like she does or she wouldn't keep bring this up.

So anyway I text her back that she is right that there isn't anything I can say that will change what happened. ANd as much as it sucks It is up to her to start to forgive me. There really isn't anything more that I can do, that I'm not doing now.

To which she replies, I can"t forgive you, I don't want to try any more it's to hard.

Me: Well if you are ready to give up than there is nothing more I can do. You have made up your mind. I don't know what else to do.

Her: ok I'm done, nothing left, I'm sick of it and you. Get your stuff and get out. I will be home at 6 and you can go somewhere else.

More to follow on this in the next post.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm sorry but her reaction is a extreme for this screw up of yours. Why do I get the feeling she was looking for an excuse to leave you and you gave her one? There just has to be more to this story than what you are telling us or even what you may know. Have you done any digging into her at all? She must be up to something.

Edit: Try to find out what she was doing these last few days. Something set her off.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

lost21j said:


> I get a text from her that says " I'm having a hard day today. It just keeps running through my head and I can't stop thinking about it. I have lost all trust in you and us" Followed by " The thing is nothing you say can change anything, it's just to hard"
> 
> Now I have been dealing with this for 3 months and every time something happens between us she goes right to "we should break up, I'm not happy and can't get over it" I have come to realize that she has to be the one who needs to forgive me. That she has to be the one who wants to start to forgive me. No matter what I do I can't make her do it. She has to do it for herself. She has to want to do it, and that is where I feel she is failing. I don't know if she wants to start forgiving me. At least it doesn't feel like she does or she wouldn't keep bring this up.
> 
> ...


I don't think discussing it by text is the best approach...

Marriage Help Program For Couples helped us develop healthier communication skills.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

cont. of our conversation today.....

There was a important part I forgot in my last post. Last week I had a very bad week at work. Some things didn"t come through for me that I wanted and I was upset about it all week. Tried not to let it bother me at home, but it kind of filtered through. I was a little quite and a little more on edge than normal. Plus my sleeping was all messed up(2 hrs a day for 12 hrs of work shift sucks) So my wife thought I was giving up on us. Go figure. I told her what was happening and that it had nothing to do with us. She also knew this before hand. anyways on I go.

Me: Well I don't know why you want to give up on us. Why you don't want to try and make us work.

Her:You gave up and I am tired of being the only one who is hurting.

Me: I'm not leaving. I want this to work. 20 yrs of being together and 27 yrs of being married is worth more than quitting after 3 months. Your the one who said you can't do it anymore. I want to keep trying, but you have to want to also. I'm not going anywhere.

Her:I knew you would do this. Get sick of me always being mad at you.

Me: I'm not sick of you, If I was would I have driven up to ge tgas for you. Would I make your lunch every day for you. Would I make your lunch and run to the store everytime you get a crazy impulse for something to eat. Does that sound like some one who is sick of you.

Her: so your sick of doing all of that. 

Me: No. Do I get upset with work and mad about other things Yes. I an only human and still have emotions. But that doesn't mean I am giving up on us. It has nothing to do with us.

Me: Are we still going to have arguments and get mad at each other. ofcourse. Am I still going to do things that make you mad ,and are bone headed. Yeah probably so. But that doesn't mean I want us to end. All it means is that we are not happy at that moment. It is just part of being married. Neither of us is perfect. 

Me: Could I live with out you, probably. But I don"t want to. That is the difference. I want you in my life, I don't want to be away from you.

Her: That is very telling, 3 months ago you couldn"t live with out me, now you probably could but you don't want to

Her:You should be thankful that I havn't left yet. But if you could live with out me than why don't you try and see how you like it.

WTF I just can't win with her.

Me: I wouldn't like it at all. That is what I'm saying. I don't want to be with out you.

And that was were it was left at. So I don't know wher ewe stand. I don't know what to do. 

I know life will go on with out her. I'm not a school kid anymore that thinks life will end if we are not together. I want us to be together, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I made the mistake, and I will have to live with knowing that it was my fault we didn't make it. But I also know that time will march on. That we will both go on in our lives if we don't stay together.

I just hate all of this. It sucks.


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## lost21j (Nov 3, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I don't think discussing it by text is the best approach...
> 
> Marriage Help Program For Couples helped us develop healthier communication skills.


I agree, but I can only do so much when that is what happens in the moment. It is not my prefered method of communication. Thanks for the link.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost

Do not move out.

Do not give up.

You both need some serious counseling. Do not let her give up so easily.

And you also need to show her acts of kindness that she understands.

My wife is very much like yours. I have 3 girls. 18,12,& 11. She lives for our children.

What my wife adores me for. I got up one night while she was taking care of a sick parent. I cleaned out the refrigerator/freezer. Defrosted it. Wiped it down. Turned it back on and restocked it. 

She came home the next day and was ecstatic. She even bragged to my parents about it. I thought it was funny. Lol.

Then it was our oldest 1st parents weekend in Boston. I happened to be working in NYC the day before the trip. I got an extra large room in case our oldest wanted to get off campus with her siblings. My wife noticed the extra bed. Bonus.

Then I pulled out some very exotic handmade Halloween chocolates for my 3 girls and gave it to them as presents. I wanted them to have them for family pictures. Now I am a guy and could not give a hoot but my wife and kids ate it up.

I did not make one complaint all weekend. My wife enjoyed the weekend as well as my kids. That is what my wife values more than anything. Family time. Family memories. Acts of kindness.

So think about what you can do for your wife to show her you care. That you still love her. And that you value her trust and truly want it back.

Good Luck and Do not let her give up on your or your marriage. I honestly think she would be making a huge mistake.

HM64


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I hope you are actually reading what people have wrote,your wife is way way over board on this and there is something else,You were 25 people do carzy things and in the world of crazy yours was not that bad,she either wants to leave you or has wanted to leave you for a long time or she enjoys having this over you and watching you kiss her behind.

I think you just need to say I was 25 and stupid and have done everything to try to help you for give me,so if you can't you get your stuff and leave.


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