# 8 months pregnant and marriage is going down the drain.



## downNout1 (Feb 24, 2009)

I started to post this under one of the article threads but it turned out longer than I thought it was going to be so I decided to post it here. 

The article was about showing love and gratitude towards your spouse because a marriage needs nurturing in order to work. Well, I agree with the article and I already do the things it said to do. I am 8 months pregnant and so I am only working half days right now. We are both in the military and he constantly works from 5 am til anywhere from 7 - 10 pm. I try not to complain about the hours because there is nothing he can do about it. I also try and do nice things for him since he's always stressed or working. For example, he goes to work an hour earlier than me so I get up when he does and I make him coffee and something for breakfast. We usually split the housework since we both work but since I have more time, I try to make sure that our place is clean, laundry is washed and dishes are done so he can relax when he comes home. On weekends I initiate the sex and I try and just please him.

So basically what I am trying to say is I have been trying to be the "domesticated" one. The "housewife." But it seems like nothing I do is good enough for him.

What are you suppose to do when you do all those things for your spouse but are getting nothing in return?

I'm always thinking of ways to make my husband smile, or to make his day a little easier because he works so much. But he never does anything for me. I don't give a damn about expensive things, I just want to feel loved and appreciated for everything that I do for him and for us, yet I get nothing.

I've tried talking to him about it for months now but he just gets angry at me for telling him how I feel. He gets pissed off because I don't say anything until 10 or 11 at night, but that's pretty much the only time I get a chance to talk to him. So now whenever I bring anything up, I get called a nagging B****. Oh, and because I cry, he says that I need to be treated for depression. Which irritates me because yes I am depressed at the moment because I don't have any support here with me. So in a way I am depressed, but not clinically depressed, if that makes any sense. I have no family or close friends here with me for any support. I use to have a couple guy friends but I gave them up because they made him uncomfortable. I work at a command where I am the only woman there right now so I don't have many chances to make girlfriends. So while he's at work or out with his buddies, I'm stuck at home, alone, with my 2 cats watching TV.

Sorry this is so long, but I just want to be treated like a wife, not a roomate and I want to be treated like I'm pregnant, if you understand what I mean. I'm not asking to be spoiled, just for a little extra attention and affection.

One last thing....I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or the fact that I am now his wife and not the girlfriend, but I don't even remember the last time he initiated sex. I didn't even get any on Valentine's day.

Someone please give me some advice because I am at a complete loss at what to do anymore. I've tried talking, I've tried crying, I've tried being happy go lucky and the perfect wife but nothing seems to change anything. I don't know how much longer I can stand being in this relationship if things don't change soon.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

downNout1 said:


> I'm always thinking of ways to make my husband smile, or to make his day a little easier because he works so much. But he never does anything for me. I don't give a damn about expensive things, I just want to feel loved and appreciated for everything that I do for him and for us, yet I get nothing.


So i take it he buys you things to try and show you love? and you do things to try and show him love? You should try reading The Five Love Languages together. People like to be loved in different ways. 

I dont think your H sounds like a bad guy. I think he sounds really stressed out and is tired of feeling like what he's doing is never good enough. He probably feels very similar to how you feel. 

Sometimes i get teh urge to tell my H all the things he's not doing, too. but whenever that thought comes to my mind i try to replace it with what he is doing, or did do that day that i can thank him for. 

you're going through a transition both emotionally and professionally, and you have a lot of time on your hands to think. pick up a hobby or something to keep your mind busy. and stop trying to please him so much. do what makes you happy. 

I dont think you should stop trying to talk about how you feel, if you feel unloved. But try a different approach. the definition of insanity is trying the same things over and over again expecting different results.


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## downNout1 (Feb 24, 2009)

When I said that I don't care about expensive things, I was just trying to explain that I'm not asking for him to buy me things. I'm asking him to show more interest in me. The only thing he has really bought me is my engagement and wedding rings. 

He isn't a bad person, but I honestly feel like he doesn't even love me anymore.

I want passion and romance and affection and breath taking love. Call me unrealistic or whatever, but I want real true love. I don't want to be just something convenient and handy to have around. 

I love my husband so damn much, but I just don't think that he does anymore. He may love me, but I doubt that he's in love with me anymore. 

He has said to me that he feels like nothing he does is good enough but he doesn't do anything. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't want to have sex with me, he doesn't participate in anything relating this pregnancy, he doesn't say thank you when I cook for him or clean for him, he doesn't give me any kind of compliments whatsoever.

He works, *****es about work(which I listen to), hunts, goes to the shooting range, goes out with his buddies or plays his xbox. He NEVER does anything for me or anything that involves me or this baby.


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## downNout1 (Feb 24, 2009)

Also, I have tried several approaches to fix things with us. I've tried crying and telling him how hurt and neglected I feel.

I've tried starting the conversation with "I'm not trying to bug you or nag you but I feel......"

I've tried yelling.

I've tried talking when we're both in a good mood.

I've tried showing him how much I love him in hopes that he'll show me in return.

I've tried sucking it up and keeping it to myself.

This is why I am here. I am all out of ideas. No matter what I do or how I do it, I'm wrong and the b**** in the situation. Or I'm the depressed one.

I am just so worn out and tired of all the trying coming from my end and never his.


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## DCBob (Feb 20, 2009)

downNout1 said:


> Also, I have tried several approaches to fix things with us. I've tried crying and telling him how hurt and neglected I feel.
> 
> I've tried starting the conversation with "I'm not trying to bug you or nag you but I feel......"
> 
> ...



He sounds like a selfcentered jerk to me, but that does not mean you should leave him. There are lots of kinds of odd-ball marriages out there. Many marriages survive this kind of imbalance of "love", but it depends how much the "unloved" spouse is willing to compromise. It sounds like you desperately need more from him and you are not getting it. You might try just ignoring him for awhile and try to find another outlet for attention and comfort. Not an affair but someone who cares about you that you can spend time with. Focus on yourself for awhile -- especially during you final weeks of pregnancy. It really sounds sad and hope the best for you. Take care.


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## acceptance (Feb 25, 2009)

its complicated, you're pregnant with his child and i'm sure that if nothing else is all the reason for him to be a little more understanding, you have done all the things the average woman would have done to let him know how you feel but what makes it worse is that both of you are working and then on top of that you have know real friends to talk to yet... dont just set around home either while he is out and about, try self dinner dates, hot aroma baths alone, meditate, take up a hobby , read books that you find interesting,stop getting up in the morning to fix his breakfast, stay in bed and get that much needed rest, stop aniciating sex, my point is , if you stop at least some of the things you feel he takes for granted just maybe that will get his attention,


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## lonestarwife (Jan 24, 2009)

I don't want to sound negative, but there seems to be a lot of "I's". I think that you are wanting to fix how he is making you feel by trying to change yourself without his asking you to. You need to be asking him how and what his feelings are. It is sounding like he has a problem and is not communicating it with you. Let him know that you are willing to make things better, but he needs to really open up and let you know how he is feeling.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I feel for you, what he's putting you through is awful. It is hard to feel unwanted, and unloved especially when you're pregnant. 

I don't know the details, because I dont' know you, or your hubby. But I can say that it seems from your post that you are working your arse off to please him, and make him happy, and let him know how much he's appreciated. And he's doing nothing in return for you. Unrequited love, and affection is very difficult to take. Having said that, maybe one thing you can do, aside from working on this with him, is to get busy yourself. You are pregnant, and it's exhausting! But you could get a hobby. Go to a yoga class if you have time, do pottery, do some kind of creative art, or anything you enjoy.... do something for you, and become very independant of him. Maybe you pulling back, living your own life, since you living for him is not working, would show him you are totally capable of being your own person. It will show him that you don't need him, as much as you just "want " him..... 

I don't know if this is good advice or not, I am just throwing something out there, to see if it's something that might work for you, or him, or both of you. Don't cater to him , he doesn't seem to appreciate it, and you don't deserve to work your butt off trying to please him if he's going to turn his head and not notice. I am nto saying you should begin being passive aggressive.... Just live your life, and learn to enjoy time alone, or time with girls,,,, 

Also, trying, to talk to him, even though it's been tried and failed,,,, don't stop trying. Tell him how you feel. And if he continues on this path, then seek counseling. I feel so badly for you, as I've been where you are. You deserve love, respect, affection, sex, and admiration, for carrying his child. Please hang in there, and do what you think is right.


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