# Child support, alimony, and custody



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

For anyone with expert advice, please reply. Hypothetically speaking, how is child support and alimony decided? I am a high school basketball coach and only make 60k a year. My wife is a white collar executive and makes almost 200k a year. She had an affair 13 years ago and things never got back to normal. I am still trying to salvage the marriage, but it's just not looking promising. We have 2 kids. One is 18 and the other is 6. 

With her making so much more money than me, how would child support work? Could I actually receive alimony from her? I've certainly helped her get where she is in her profession. What should I expect, if we were to get a divorce? I wouldn't try to get custody of our 6 year old girl. She needs her mom. I assume my 18 year old can choose, but he'll be starting college in the fall.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> For anyone with expert advice, please reply. Hypothetically speaking, how is child support and alimony decided? I am a high school basketball coach and only make 60k a year. My wife is a white collar executive and makes almost 200k a year. She had an affair 13 years ago and things never got back to normal. I am still trying to salvage the marriage, but it's just not looking promising. We have 2 kids. One is 18 and the other is 6.
> 
> With her making so much more money than me, how would child support work? Could I actually receive alimony from her? I've certainly helped her get where she is in her profession. What should I expect, if we were to get a divorce? I wouldn't try to get custody of our 6 year old girl. She needs her mom. I assume my 18 year old can choose, but he'll be starting college in the fall.


My experience: It is usually basically a calculation based on income and who has custody more. Overnights weight heavily. I'd say if you have 50/50 custody of the 6 year old, you'd definitely be getting at least child support. If you have ZERO overnights, really not sure.....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It depends on the laws of your state, especially in regard to the age of emancipation. In most states, your son wouldn't be considered for child support since he's 18, but in about a half a dozen states child support is paid until 21, including my state, which is NY.

So if you live in a state where child support ends at age 18, and wife has custody of the younger child, then you'd pay her child support according to a formula, which in my state is 17% of your salary. If support does not end for your older son, and you've each got custody of a child then it might be a wash until your older son is emancipated at 21. If exwife gets custody of both kids, expect to pay around 25% of your salary in child support. 

She'd probably end up paying you alimony for a period of time, you could guestimate that the duration would be something along the lines of 1/2to 2/3 of the length of your marriage, and the amount would depend on what sort of case you'd make for your cost of living, and that's where a talented attorney will come in handy.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First of all, don't fall on your sword and give all custody to your wife because she "needs her mom." Your daughter needs *both* of you and most states are moving towards 50/50 custody anyway.

Learn your states statues with respect to divorce. The Internet is a great thing. Look for a web site for Dads divorcing and search for some answers. There are guys who have been there and done that with a lot of success. And once you have an idea, get a consult from a lawyer or two.

Do all of that before you have the discussion with your wife (if this is the path you choose to take). Divorce is a big choice, you want to make an informed decision.

To your question, child support is just a calculation based on respective incomes and the amount of time the child spends with each parent. Based on the disparity in income, you could expect CS in a divorce, possibly alimony too based on the years of marriage. Unless of course you give up custody, then you get nothing.

Your child will need you, do not give up on her. Don't necessarily expect mom to go down without a fight either. Do your research and plan your strategy if you choose the route of divorce. Expect things to possibly get nasty, they usually do when money is involved.

I will say, don't just stay for the sake of the kids in a miserable relationship. The kids can sense when things are not good. I am much happier not being married to my children's mother.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Thank you for the replies. I'm in Texas and I think 18 is the magic number here. I won't simply give up custody. No way no how. If 50/50 is an option, I'd go for that. We've been married 19 years in July. So 1/2 would be just under 10 years and 2/3 would be about 14 years.

I'm not certain a divorce is inevitable. I do have to have a serious discussion with my wife though and let her know some expectations I have if this is going to work. If she's willing to work as hard as I have been, we'll be ok. But that remains to be seen. I shouldn't be the one jumping through all the hoops when she cheated. Our marriage never fully recovered as a result of her failure.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Thank you for the replies. I'm in Texas and I think 18 is the magic number here. I won't simply give up custody. No way no how. If 50/50 is an option, I'd go for that. We've been married 19 years in July. So 1/2 would be just under 10 years and 2/3 would be about 14 years.
> 
> I'm not certain a divorce is inevitable. I do have to have a serious discussion with my wife though and let her know some expectations I have if this is going to work. If she's willing to work as hard as I have been, we'll be ok. But that remains to be seen. I shouldn't be the one jumping through all the hoops when she cheated. Our marriage never fully recovered as a result of her failure.


Talk to guys in your state
One is Ceegee and Arbitrator for starters.
But see a lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what I understand, it's very hard to get alimony in Texas.

*Qualifying for Spousal Maintenance

The court can order spousal maintenance if the spouse seeking support will not have enough property at the time of the divorce to provide for basic needs and one of the following circumstances exists:

•one spouse is convicted of committing family violence against the other spouse or the other spouse’s child during the marriage, if the violence occurred during the divorce proceedings or within two years before the filing of the divorce action

•the spouse seeking support is unable to earn enough income to provide for basic needs because of a physical or mental disability

•the spouses were married for ten years or longer, and the spouse seeking support is unable to earn enough income to provide for basic needs, or

•the spouse seeking support has custody of a child of the marriage who requires special care and supervision because of a mental or physical disability, preventing the custodial spouse from earning enough income for basic needs.
Qualifying for Spousal Maintenance

Understanding and Calculating Alimony in Texas | DivorceNet.com*

Time limits of spousal maintenance are set out in the Family Code, unless the parties agree to a different time frame. The Family Code says that the support order is not effective after three (3) years, with the date the divorce decree was signed as the starting time. The courts limit the spousal support to the shortest possible time for the spouse to begin employment which will provide for his/her "minimal reasonable needs". Only a disability can continue the time frame indefinitely, and once the disability has been removed, then a motion to modify will likely occur from the ex-spouse. 

The law has limited the amount of spousal maintenance: the support cannot exceed $2,500.00 per month or 20% of the ex-spouse's average monthly gross income. The amount set will be only enough to provide the spouse with the minimal reasonable needs. However, parties can agree to a larger sum.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Thank you for the replies. I'm in Texas and I think 18 is the magic number here. I won't simply give up custody. No way no how. If 50/50 is an option, I'd go for that. We've been married 19 years in July. So 1/2 would be just under 10 years and 2/3 would be about 14 years.
> 
> I'm not certain a divorce is inevitable. I do have to have a serious discussion with my wife though and let her know some expectations I have if this is going to work. If she's willing to work as hard as I have been, we'll be ok. But that remains to be seen. *I shouldn't be the one jumping through all the hoops when she cheated. *Our marriage never fully recovered as a result of her failure.


She cheated 13 years ago. Presumably you two reconciles and moved on from that a long time ago. You do not get to punish her for the rest of your life. That's not how recovery goes.

Your marriage is having problems now. So both of you need to be working to fix it. If you want to call that jumping through hoops, then fine. But both of you have to do it.

At what point do things like forgiveness and redemption come into play? When a person serves time in prison, they are done serving time when their sentence is up. When is your wife's sentence up for something she did a long time ago?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Neither of you get custody of the 18 year old. He's an adult. 

The 6 year old ... I'd push for 50/50 custody. your wife will probably have to pay you some child support. Texts has child support calculator and charts. Look them up online. It takes into consideration both parent's income and the number of overnights the child spends with each parent.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

In Texas, figure you'll pay 20% of your income pre-tax to child support for 1 child, until at least 18. The state prefers to saddle you with support until they're 22, just in case they decide to go to college.

As the father you will also be expected to pay for their health insurance.

What they call 50/50 custody is really 51/49 custody and that 1% difference means everything in the world. Your wife will be able to make religious, health, school, and every other important choice and you will have the option of pounding sand or not pounding sand.

You will have to provide your own sand, unless you choose not to pay child support. Then the state will incarcerate you, and you will get to pound sand whether you want to or not. If you have a job, the state is reasonable- they will let you work during the week and serve jail time on the weekends.

Provided that you agree to start paying that child support, of course.

If your wife decides she wants to move hours away, she will be able to move hours away. See above regarding pounding sand.

You will get to either have your child support automatically deducted, or you can send it to TXCSDU in San Antonio, where they note that you have paid so that your tax refund doesn't get garnished.

Given the financial situation you describe, your wife will not get alimony. You won't either. I am pretty sure no one gets alimony in Texas any more, anyway.

The standard Texas custody arrangement will let you have your daughter every other weekend, Friday evening til Sunday evening. you will also get visitation Wednesday evenings. You will split and alternate holidays. You will have pretend 51% custody for 4 weeks during the summer, where you get to act like the real parent and your ex gets weekend and Wednesday visitation.

Non-custodial parent is responsible for pickup and dropoff of dependents.

You will be entitled to any extra time you can beg, borrow, or, well, any extra time you can wrangle from your ex. I recommend that any communications or agreements be documented preferably by email.

Consult a lawyer.

Interestingly, the same state that will lock you up for not paying child support will eventually stop locking you up after awhile. If their efforts cause you to become destitute, they realize that its not helping anyone, locking you up when you couldn't pay anyway.

Then, when your daughter turns 18, your ex will get a letter from the state asking her (the ex) to basically sign away the thousands of dollars of child support you will owe at that point.

She probably won't, but that letter means the state pretty much officially doesn't care to persecute you any more.

Heading off the questions that arise from my comments, I pay my child support, so I know those details, and the ones concerning non-payment of child support I know from watching what happened to my wife's ex-husband.



To make amends for suggesting in your other thread that you might be from Dallass, I will now leave you with a joke to cheer you up.


Why don't blondes in Dallass wear mini skirts?









Because their balls would show.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LuvIsTuff said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for the replies. I'm in Texas and I think 18 is the magic number here. I won't simply give up custody. No way no how. If 50/50 is an option, I'd go for that. We've been married 19 years in July. So 1/2 would be just under 10 years and 2/3 would be about 14 years.
> ...


13 years or not, we have never recovered. Forgiveness and healing are 2 different things. For the most part, she is the one holding back. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Maybe she is holding back because at no point did she ever really want to be with me. Who knows. I'm just taking baby steps toward the possibility that she's done and doing some homework just in case divorce is where we're headed. If she's done, there's nothing I can do. 

EleGirl, I read a few more chapters of His Needs Her Needs. If somehow I can get her to buy in and join me in this journey, we can make this work. I put the book on her nightstand with a note that said "I think it would be good if you could read up to the place where I left the bookmark". I just did that tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow if the book hasn't moved. 

You asked the other day how frequently we have sex. It's been 15 days, and that's fairly normal. But if I don't initiate it, she could go 6 months no problem. But normally it's every couple of weeks, and meaningful GOOD sex about every 3-4 months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LuvIsTuff said:


> 13 years or not, we have never recovered. Forgiveness and healing are 2 different things. For the most part, she is the one holding back. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Maybe she is holding back because at no point did she ever really want to be with me. Who knows. I'm just taking baby steps toward the possibility that she's done and doing some homework just in case divorce is where we're headed. If she's done, there's nothing I can do.
> 
> EleGirl, I read a few more chapters of His Needs Her Needs. If somehow I can get her to buy in and join me in this journey, we can make this work. I put the book on her nightstand with a note that said "I think it would be good if you could read up to the place where I left the bookmark". I just did that tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow if the book hasn't moved.
> 
> You asked the other day how frequently we have sex. It's been 15 days, and that's fairly normal. But if I don't initiate it, she could go 6 months no problem. But normally it's every couple of weeks, and meaningful GOOD sex about every 3-4 months.


Have you told her that you are seriously thinking that divorce is your only option here? Sometimes it takes that to shake a person up.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> 13 years or not, we have never recovered. Forgiveness and healing are 2 different things. For the most part, she is the one holding back. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Maybe she is holding back because at no point did she ever really want to be with me. Who knows. I'm just taking baby steps toward the possibility that she's done and doing some homework just in case divorce is where we're headed. If she's done, there's nothing I can do.
> 
> EleGirl, I read a few more chapters of His Needs Her Needs. If somehow I can get her to buy in and join me in this journey, we can make this work. I put the book on her nightstand with a note that said "I think it would be good if you could read up to the place where I left the bookmark". I just did that tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow if the book hasn't moved.
> 
> You asked the other day how frequently we have sex. It's been 15 days, and that's fairly normal. But if I don't initiate it, she could go 6 months no problem. But normally it's every couple of weeks, and meaningful GOOD sex about every 3-4 months.


Do you feel like you've forgiven her for the affair?

Do you feel like she's forgiven herself?


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LuvIsTuff said:
> 
> 
> > 13 years or not, we have never recovered. Forgiveness and healing are 2 different things. For the most part, she is the one holding back. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Maybe she is holding back because at no point did she ever really want to be with me. Who knows. I'm just taking baby steps toward the possibility that she's done and doing some homework just in case divorce is where we're headed. If she's done, there's nothing I can do.
> ...


I have not told her that. However, yesterday I put some things on paper that I want to say to her and at the end of that list I said "if you aren't willing to fix these things, I am done". So I'm ready for that conversation.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> LuvIsTuff said:
> 
> 
> > 13 years or not, we have never recovered. Forgiveness and healing are 2 different things. For the most part, she is the one holding back. I've tried. God knows I've tried. Maybe she is holding back because at no point did she ever really want to be with me. Who knows. I'm just taking baby steps toward the possibility that she's done and doing some homework just in case divorce is where we're headed. If she's done, there's nothing I can do.
> ...


I have definitely forgiven her. It's a none issue with me. I've actually never thought about her needing to forgive herself. That's an interesting question.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I have definitely forgiven her. It's a none issue with me. I've actually never thought about her needing to forgive herself. That's an interesting question.


I don't know all of her issues/behaviors, but self-loathing can lead to a lot of actions that are very counter-intuitive to a happy relationship, for sure. Just something to consider....maybe look through that lense for a bit. People who don't love themselves can't properly love anybody else, in my opinion.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't know all of her issues/behaviors, but self-loathing can lead to a lot of actions that are very counter-intuitive to a happy relationship, for sure. Just something to consider....maybe look through that lense for a bit. People who don't love themselves can't properly love anybody else, in my opinion.


I think it's safe to say that she doesn't love herself. She was raised in a highly abusive home. Nothing physical, but intense emotional abuse. Her mom is a b!tch X 1,000. Just as an example, the other night we were watching the NCAA basketball tournament and Kentucky was playing. Anyone who pays attention to Kentucky basketball knows that Ash-Ley Judd is at all the games. Anyway, the camera shows Ash-Ley Judd for a moment and I said to my wife "Wow, she looks a lot like you". My wife's response "No way, she's really pretty". I said "exactly, but you're prettier". She says "No, I'm not pretty at all." If you saw my wife, there's no chance any of you would say anything other than "wow! she's beautiful". She is very pretty and sexy as hell.

This is a normal response from her. I can see her in the morning, dressed for work, and say "wow, you look amazing today". And instead of saying thank you, she'll respond with something like "no I don't, I look ugly". 

Probably didn't need all that info, but yes, she has an issue with loving herself.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I think it's safe to say that she doesn't love herself. She was raised in a highly abusive home. Nothing physical, but intense emotional abuse. Her mom is a b!tch X 1,000. Just as an example, the other night we were watching the NCAA basketball tournament and Kentucky was playing. Anyone who pays attention to Kentucky basketball knows that ****** Judd is at all the games. Anyway, the camera shows ****** Judd for a moment and I said to my wife "Wow, she looks a lot like you". My wife's response "No way, she's really pretty". I said "exactly, but you're prettier". She says "No, I'm not pretty at all." If you saw my wife, there's no chance any of you would say anything other than "wow! she's beautiful". She is very pretty and sexy as hell.
> 
> This is a normal response from her. I can see her in the morning, dressed for work, and say "wow, you look amazing today". And instead of saying thank you, she'll respond with something like "no I don't, I look ugly".
> 
> Probably didn't need all that info, but yes, she has an issue with loving herself.


That is sad and probably drives a lot of her behavior.

I'm cracking up at how Ms. Judd's first name was censored by TAM! .


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm cracking up at how Ms. Judd's first name was censored by TAM! .


HA! I just noticed that. I'll have to edit, for those who have no idea who she is...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I don't think you should give up on your marriage.

Re-read neuklas.

Lead the kids you coach doing push ups. Get yourself into killer shape.

I have coached kids in swimming. I was really surprized that I could like them because I wanted to teach them to swim better. I never new I had that altruism in me. Okay, it's partly selfish. I wanted to influence them and even society.

You have been loving your wife in giving way and getting too little back. The solution is to stop the covert contract. You tell your wife that she is more beautiful than some celebrity. That is BS. Your wife is older for one and the celebrity is widely acknowledged to be hot. You said what you did to win brownies points that could be cashed in for pvssy. Your wife doesn't like that.

Your wife makes more money than you. Jerry123 (I think it's him) is married to woman who make tons more than him. He was a a tool and die guy who became a stay at home dad while his wife went up the ladder at work. She lost attraction for him and probably cheated with the neighbor. Jerry never proved it and he never found a job but became the male leader in the relationship and banged his wife so that she stopped being a b!tch. I think he spends time coaching.

You won't be exactly a Jerry or a neuklas but you can be you. Stop being needy. Stop accepting duty sex.

I think Jerry did play a lets get divorced card. The point is to play it in a confident way if you do play it. Right now you are still trying to sort things out.

How well is your team doing?

East Lansing is my old hometown. Magic Johnson's mom used to be a janitor in my middle school.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> I don't think you should give up on your marriage.


I'm not. I'm in this divorce/separation forum just to get my ducks in a row if we end up calling it quits. 



LongWalk said:


> You have been loving your wife in giving way and getting too little back. The solution is to stop the covert contract. You tell your wife that she is more beautiful than some celebrity. That is BS. Your wife is older for one and the celebrity is widely acknowledged to be hot. You said what you did to win brownies points that could be cashed in for pvssy. Your wife doesn't like that.


That's not true at all. I compliment my wife quite often because she for some [email protected] reason has low self esteem about her looks. I just try to speak life in to her. 



LongWalk said:


> Stop being needy. Stop accepting duty sex.


I'm way ahead of where you think I am...... It's weird because for years and years I was the least needy person on earth. Then my wife tells me "I need more affection", "I need more romance", "I need more non sexual touching". So I spend a few years doing all of those things and somehow I turned in to a needy pu$$. When we got home from our little trip 2 weeks ago, all of that got shut down. And guess what, she hasn't reached for me, touched me, or tried to kiss me. She hasn't asked me if anything is wrong. It's almost like she prefers it this way. Obviously we haven't had duty sex either. I'm looking forward to the next time it comes up though so I can push her away and tell her I'm not interested in it.



LongWalk said:


> I think Jerry did play a lets get divorced card. The point is to play it in a confident way if you do play it. Right now you are still trying to sort things out.


I'm not going to play a straight up "let's get divorced" card. I'd bet my right testicle that if I said that, she'd say "ok, if that's what you want". 



LongWalk said:


> How well is your team doing?


Had a good year. Made the playoffs but lost in the first rd. Should be much better next year.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

LuvIsTuff said:


> Thank you for the replies. I'm in Texas


Texas is tough for alimony. You probably won't do nearly as well as I suggested based on the laws in NY which is my state.

Here's a good link to give you an idea of what you can expect.

Alimony in Texas - Avvo.com


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

lenzi said:


> Texas is tough for alimony. You probably won't do nearly as well as I suggested based on the laws in NY which is my state.
> 
> Here's a good link to give you an idea of what you can expect.
> 
> Alimony in Texas - Avvo.com


I don't want alimony. That's not why I'm asking. But if she decided to be a total D-bag and try to screw me every way she could, I didn't know if her making 4X as much money as me would give me any possibility of her paying me alimony. She could be really amicable and not want to make each other's lives hell, but she's also got a mean streak in her that if she let it kick in, look out.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I don't want alimony. That's not why I'm asking. But if she decided to be a total D-bag and try to screw me every way she could, I didn't know if her making 4X as much money as me would give me any possibility of her paying me alimony. She could be really amicable and not want to make each other's lives hell, but she's also got a mean streak in her that if she let it kick in, look out.....


How do you think she could try to screw you in a divorce?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you've always told her she's beautiful, stop. Pay attention to her some other way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LuvIsTuff said:
> 
> 
> > I don't want alimony. That's not why I'm asking. But if she decided to be a total D-bag and try to screw me every way she could, I didn't know if her making 4X as much money as me would give me any possibility of her paying me alimony. She could be really amicable and not want to make each other's lives hell, but she's also got a mean streak in her that if she let it kick in, look out.....
> ...


I'm not sure. She may not. I'm just looking at different angles.


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## speeedbump (Mar 12, 2013)

Following this post since I'm at a similar spot. Sex-starved marriage in TX, no improvement despite everything I've tried.

In my case I'm the bread winner and she's a SAHM. I'm expecting if we divorce I'll have to pay 25% for child support, capped at $7500 of income. Even though she's not currently employed, from everything I've read I'm still not expecting to pay spousal support. She's not disabled and neither are our children. She is physically and mentally capable of supporting herself.

I'm also expecting to part with 50% of our assets so it will be a blow financially but at this point I'm ready to trade money for a chance at happiness.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

speeedbump said:


> Following this post since I'm at a similar spot. Sex-starved marriage in TX, no improvement despite everything I've tried.
> 
> In my case I'm the bread winner and she's a SAHM. I'm expecting if we divorce I'll have to pay 25% for child support, capped at $7500 of income. Even though she's not currently employed, from everything I've read I'm still not expecting to pay spousal support. She's not disabled and neither are our children. She is physically and mentally capable of supporting herself.
> 
> I'm also expecting to part with 50% of our assets so it will be a blow financially but at this point I'm ready to trade money for a chance at happiness.


Happiness? Oh that sounds inviting!


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