# Hysterical Bonding



## LoveAddict

In our last-ditch efforts to reconcile, I think my husband and I are experiencing this. Just wondering if others have gone through it too, and what happened afterwards? Or please chime in if you have any thoughts about it at all. Thanks.


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## Tasorundo

I tried reading through your other posts to see, but did either of you have an affair? I could not find anything that said that.


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## ConanHub

LoveAddict said:


> In our last-ditch efforts to reconcile, I think my husband and I are experiencing this. Just wondering if others have gone through it too, and what happened afterwards? Or please chime in if you have any thoughts about it at all. Thanks.


Is there a breakdown where we can understand your marital situation or would you give us one here?

It is hard to advise without knowing what is going on.


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## Tasorundo

She has a thread with lots of stuff in it, I just did not see infidelity to understand why there would be hysterical bonding.


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## ConanHub

Tasorundo said:


> She has a thread with lots of stuff in it, I just did not see infidelity to understand why there would be hysterical bonding.


HB isn't just an occurrence after infidelity. It can happen anytime there is a serious rift and damage has occurred in a relationship.


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## ConanHub

LoveAddict said:


> In our last-ditch efforts to reconcile, I think my husband and I are experiencing this. Just wondering if others have gone through it too, and what happened afterwards? Or please chime in if you have any thoughts about it at all. Thanks.


If other issues are being addressed and you are both working with positive goals and results then Hysterical Bonding can really help cement your marriage.

If underlying problems haven't been addressed or on there way to being resolved then HB is just making a big mess even larger by further bonding you two together while disfunctional behavior is still in place.


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## LoveAddict

ConanHub said:


> HB isn't just an occurrence after infidelity. It can happen anytime there is a serious rift and damage has occurred in a relationship.


Thanks for pointing this out. I know there are some generalizations about why hysterical bonding occurs, typically as a result of infidelity, but I do think it can happen under different circumstances. I wasn’t actually sure if this was even the right term to use, but it seemed so with what I’m experiencing. I think my husband and I are just fearful of separation and trying to force this marriage to work, especially since we have agreed that this is going to be our last effort, and we feel very strongly about keeping the family unit together.

I understand folks want to know the details of the marriage to better assess what’s really happening in it, but despite the anonymity and support that this forum offers, I’m really not ready to open up about them. I can say for sure that there has been betrayal on both sides and we have come to not trust the other at all. But our problems don’t quite fit the mold of what I have generally read about on here. Sorry that doesn’t give you much to work with, but what it comes down to is that we maintained a terribly unhealthy relationship for 11 years, and there is a lot of resentment to work out and an overwhelming amount of trust to rebuild.

We are in counseling, but I don’t think we have spent enough time with it to see some long-lasting changes as a result of addressing the underlying issues. For example, my husband’s anger has been a problem for me. While he has significantly reduced the amount of anger directed at me, nothing has changed about how he manages it with other people (e.g. the cashier at the supermarket who was having a bad day). So I don’t trust that his changed behaviors towards me are authentic.

I’m not sure where I was going with my initial post, but I do feel very confused about reconciliation. I want to reconcile the marriage, but I don’t really want to stay married to my husband, if that can possibly makes any sense at all.


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## 3Xnocharm

LoveAddict said:


> We are in counseling, but I don’t think we have spent enough time with it to see some long-lasting changes as a result of addressing the underlying issues. For example, my husband’s anger has been a problem for me. While he has significantly reduced the amount of anger directed at me, nothing has changed about how he manages it with other people (e.g. the cashier at the supermarket who was having a bad day). So I don’t trust that his changed behaviors towards me are authentic.


I remember your previous posting, so I went back to your original opening post on that thread.

Your hysterical bonding is just that, and sadly based on your history, I am afraid that once you reach a place where you think you have re-secured the relationship, it will go back to what it was, because you have almost no sexual history to begin with:

[/QUOTE]
*My husband and I have long been in the cycle of considering separation and then being too scared to file for quite some time, but it’s been the primary focus of our marriage this past year. We have agreed to make one last ditch effort to reconcile. While I am not quite ready to disclose the details of our marriage and how we got here, I will say that we just about literally did not have sex during our marriage. I don’t need all my fingers to count the number of times in the last 10 years, with the last 5 of those times being very mechanical efforts to conceive our children, who are now 5 and 7.* [/QUOTE]

You have every right to have doubts when it comes to his anger issues. Even if he is doing better controlling it with you, the fact that it still comes out at others is disturbing and shows there has really not been growth in this area. You dont deserve to have to deal with his anger that is aimed at other people either, it doesnt make it ok. Anger is very damaging to all involved. 



LoveAddict said:


> I’m not sure where I was going with my initial post, but I do feel very confused about reconciliation. I want to reconcile the marriage, but I don’t really want to stay married to my husband, if that can possibly makes any sense at all.


I get this. You dont want your family separated out. None of us ever wants that. You are only setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness though if you do not wish to be married to this man and stay in spite of that. Children pick up on unhappiness in their home, no matter how much you try to hide it, they are much more intuitive than parents give them credit for. I give YOU all the credit and kudos in the world though for making such a huge effort to try and save this. If it doesnt turn out how you want, at least you can hold your head high and know for certain you went above and beyond to save it.

Sending you love.


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## oldshirt

LoveAddict said:


> I’m not sure where I was going with my initial post, but I do feel very confused about reconciliation. I want to reconcile the marriage, but I don’t really want to stay married to my husband, if that can possibly makes any sense at all.


Actually it makes perfect sense if you want to have a happy, healthy and functional marriage but your current husband isn't marriage material and you don't fit well together as a husband and wife. 

In other words, you want to have a happy, healthy, loving and intimate marriage but you and he do not have that together. 

You want to married - just not to him. And he may want to be married - just not to you. 

I think by hysterical bonding you are trying to pound a square peg into a round hole by force (no pun intended) 

Your fear of separation and fear of dying alone being eaten by your cats is the driving force behind your HB and not actual love and desire and intimacy. 

You are screwing to avoid divorce and not because you actually dig each other or have the hots for each other or even because you are horny. It's a reaction to fear.


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