# Is my husband abusive?



## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Hi there, I'm new to this forum. I saw a thread from a woman 3 years ago describing her husband and I have to say it could have been mine.
I love my husband and he loves me. We have 4 kids together and we are all healthy.
The issues which I do have with my husband is when he constantly keeps either nit-picking or criticising me. 
I got depressed again today because after running after 3 small kids at home alone while my husband has drinks after work with friends, he comes home and starts scolding me over the fact I switched on the central heating (for one hour) when the temperature outside was mild (18 degrees celcius). I didn't have time today to clean the pellet stove so I thought it would be easier for me to switch on the central heating temporarily after the kids had their baths. 
I can understand he is worried about the gas bill (though my husband is very well paid). But I found it too unacceptable for me to always be on the wrong side of him over the smallest of things I may not have done correctly according to him and it's wearing me down. I no longer have any pleasure of seeing him because I'm dreading what he's going to find wrong with what I've done or said. 
He took our son and daughter on a trip recently and my son apparently fell off a bench and had a nose bleed. Plus a large bruise on his cheek. And even though I wasn't happy, I know my son is very active and can easily get into situations where he can get hurt. He is 5. But I didn't complain to my husband and even though it isn't the right way to approach matters but I felt I should have because my husband complains about where I put his stuff to how to wash dishes.
It gets to me so much, I start thinking of divorce and I rather try to avoid that for the sake of everyone. As apart from that my husband is a good man.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Your husband isn't 'abusive' ffs. he's obviously insensitive and unempathetic but what exactly do you want from him?

I agree, he shouldn't be so unaccommodating and he certainly shouldn't be so demonising but have you tried standing up to him?

Has he hit you? Has he cheated on you? has he manipulated you? If not, then its not 'abuse'

p.s. I would rename the thread, 'Is my husband thoughtless'!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you believe that your son fell off a bench? Has your husband ever hit you?

From what you describe above, your husband is a bully and an a$$hole but it doesn't sound _physically_ abusive. Emotionally, maybe, although that's harder to pin down I think.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

There is such a thing as verbal abuse. Relentless negative feedback can really affect your health and sense of well being. I would research this and see if this fits your husband.

If this is your husband, it needs to stop. Disengage, walk away from negative, shaming tactics. Admit when you are wrong, but stand up for yourself when you feel blameless or you feel you are justified. A life lived in dread of the next blow up is no way to live.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

it depends on how he confronts you about these things. Emotionally exhausting I'm sure to have someone complain about a lot of things, but that could be an entirely different issue than emotional abuse. Does he call you stupid because of the things you don't do to his liking? Calls you names? Insults you for things that have nothing to do with it, such as calling you worthless, something about your looks, intelligence, achievements? Does he have problems controlling his anger (yelling and getting out of control)? If so it is most likely emotional abuse. But if he stays on track to what he's displeased with, then he's just nitpicky and a bit uptight, like I said still not a good situation, but a different issue altogether. 

If the latter, then I say tell him you understand him voicing his concerns to you about how he likes things, but lately the way he conveys that to you is making you feel that everything you do is being criticized and you can't do anything right. Maybe he doesn't even know he's been doing that to you, and he may ease up or express his concerns to you in a different way.

If it is the former and what he's doing is going the emotionally abusive route, things may be a bit trickier to amend. Marriage counseling would be a must to ensure you get to the root of the problem


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## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Thanks all for replying so promptly. I do think I would re-name the post ....thoughtless? I had been thinking of his behaviour because as Giro flee says relentless negative feedback can start affecting sense of well-being and it has in my case. 
No he hasn't hit me or is physically abusive with the kids but abuse can come in many forms and you don't have to hit someone to call it abuse. I'm just getting tired of the constant criticisms and how he always does and thinks right and better than me. He handles all the finances and won't let me handle the bills because he feels I'm incapable of doing so. He has called me idiot, f....moron, incompetent cretin when he loses his cool and you don't need to have a phd in psychology to know that's verbal abuse. I have stood up against him almost all the time except times when I just want a break from the fights. I'm currently a stay-at-home mom and therefore brings no income but if he has a problem with that he should say so. He doesn't want me to return full-time to my medical doctor job because he knows I will work more hours than him. It's just very frustrating for me.
I've tried talking to him about his behaviour and his criticising but in the heat of the moment he justifies he's always right. Even when he's joking he will say he's always right. He's not a doctor so it's not a competition with me. 
We live in a country where it is difficult enough to find a marriage counselor and one who speaks english.


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## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Thanks.
I feel I'm experiencing emotional abuse. I didn't call it that before but recently it's been dawning on me. His family history is that his mother would express anger in a very repressed way and she was very depressed for most of her children's lives. His father apparently always treated his mother as she had no competency to manage anything and was not as intelligent as him. Plus he would only give her grocery money for the week which left her with nothing to spend on socially. (so you can guess where it is coming from)
But that was also 3 generations ago. My husband is 20 years older than me.
I do feel marriage counseling would help our situation but my biggest problem is not making my husband go to counseling with me, which he would say no for sure because I'm the one with the issues according to him, rather it would be getting a counselor who would be able to talk to us in English and not charge us exorbitant fees.


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## lakeside_town (Mar 7, 2014)

Thanks for letting me blow off some steam here. I've talked with friends but it is coming to the point where I'm hitting walls trying to communicate with my husband that his behaviour is unacceptable. What can you do with a man who is always right and believes so??!
When I tell him he looks great or good, he always says I know I am. It might be a humorous reply but I sometimes think when he says "I'm always right"; and "I know I'm good-looking", I can't help but feel he is so full of himself which makes his stubbornness to change even more difficult.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

You are a medical doctor but he thinks you are incapable of paying bills and handling a budget? Really? You went all the way through med school and would put up with somebody calling you stupid?


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

lakeside_town said:


> Thanks for letting me blow off some steam here. I've talked with friends but it is coming to the point where I'm hitting walls trying to communicate with my husband that his behaviour is unacceptable. What can you do with a man who is always right and believes so??!
> When I tell him he looks great or good, he always says I know I am. It might be a humorous reply but I sometimes think when he says "I'm always right"; and "I know I'm good-looking", I can't help but feel he is so full of himself which makes his stubbornness to change even more difficult.


Wow... so that's all it takes these days!

Do it, leave him.. wash yourself of his narcissism and find yourself a good subservient man.. I'm sure you'll feel much better!

Remember, the clock only moves one way!

p.s. I expect to hear from your next spouse in the 'man up' section..


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, go back to your profession. It seem to me that he likes to have his wife barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen then he has all the power.

If he complains about how things when he come home then tell him that if he would quit stopping off for a couple of drinks and come home and lend a hand, then maybe things would be better.

One other thing and this is coming for a guy (me) if he starts with the childish name calling, then get about a inch from his face and let him know that you don't like the name calling or attitude and you never have and if he can't say anything decent then don't say nothing at all.

Then you tell him that your going back to work and that he's going to have to adjust to the changes. At least you'll be on equal footing with him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

lakeside_town said:


> Thanks all for replying so promptly. I do think I would re-name the post ....thoughtless? I had been thinking of his behaviour because as Giro flee says relentless negative feedback can start affecting sense of well-being and it has in my case.
> No he hasn't hit me or is physically abusive with the kids but abuse can come in many forms and you don't have to hit someone to call it abuse. I'm just getting tired of the constant criticisms and how he always does and thinks right and better than me. He handles all the finances and won't let me handle the bills because he feels I'm incapable of doing so. He has called me idiot, f....moron, incompetent cretin when he loses his cool and you don't need to have a phd in psychology to know that's verbal abuse. I have stood up against him almost all the time except times when I just want a break from the fights. I'm currently a stay-at-home mom and therefore brings no income but if he has a problem with that he should say so. He doesn't want me to return full-time to my medical doctor job because he knows I will work more hours than him. It's just very frustrating for me.
> I've tried talking to him about his behaviour and his criticising but in the heat of the moment he justifies he's always right. Even when he's joking he will say he's always right. He's not a doctor so it's not a competition with me.
> We live in a country where it is difficult enough to find a marriage counselor and one who speaks english.


I grew up seeing what you describe in a marriage, and I would certainly call what I saw 'verbal abuse'. It wore the abused spouse down to the point of cracked teeth (from constantly clenching her jaw), migraines, depression, and eventual heart attack (not fatal, yet). That's what I saw, but the abused spouse would never have said she was an abused spouse because if she didn't get cracked bones or bruises, it isn't considered abuse. The physical damage of constantly living as if you are under attack may not be immediately evident, but it shows up eventually. Being under constant stress does not make a person stronger, it actually makes them weaker and less able to deal with it as time goes on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Applejuice said:


> Wow... so that's all it takes these days!
> 
> Do it, leave him.. wash yourself of his narcissism and find yourself a good subservient man.. I'm sure you'll feel much better!
> 
> ...


If you think abusing your spouse is manly, maybe you should be seeking help.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

As obvious at it sounds, jsut sit with him and tell him everything. Tell him that what he's doing is unacceptable, and that your life needs to be more than beng there for constant criticism.

YOU have a life, too and you should be respected!

That's pretty much all you CAN do for now, but you should act on whatever happens AFTER that swiftly...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are being emotionally and verbally abused. I know because I was in a relationship just like this, and I finally left after I was an empty shell of myself with no soul, because he sucked it out of me over the years. Your children deserve better, and you deserve better.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

What is with all the name calling?how would your husband like it if you called him stupid and a moron.I doubt he would react nicely.it is abuse and as some people suggested to move on with your life.you may not want a subservient husband but you definitely don't want a bully like you have now.good luck


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Definitely sounds like emotional & verbal abuse.
He won't let you return to work? 
Does he own you? 
Are you his property?
You are a qualified medical doctor, obviously intelligent, come on think about it. He is controlling your life. What would you tell a patient who came to see you in this predicament. You don't have to put up with this,retake control of your life,get out while you can? He will grind you down to a jibbering nervous wreck,take your independence from you,make you feel useless,worthless. Is this the life you want?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

lakeside_town said:


> Hi there, I'm new to this forum. I saw a thread from a woman 3 years ago describing her husband and I have to say it could have been mine.
> I love my husband and he loves me. We have 4 kids together and we are all healthy.
> The issues which I do have with my husband is when he constantly keeps either nit-picking or criticising me.
> I got depressed again today because after running after 3 small kids at home alone while my husband has drinks after work with friends, he comes home and starts scolding me over the fact I switched on the central heating (for one hour) when the temperature outside was mild (18 degrees celcius). I didn't have time today to clean the pellet stove so I thought it would be easier for me to switch on the central heating temporarily after the kids had their baths.
> ...


You seem to be walking on eggshells in fear of his reactions. That is a NO-NO. He sounds like he may be emotionally abusive and controlling. If that is true, that is no life for you, or for your kids. They will watch how their father treats their mother and model their behavior as future adults from your relationship dynamic. Would you want your son to learn to treat his future wife this way? Or you daughter to subconsciously seek men like him that treat her the way your husband treats you? 

You should feel free to speak your feelings to him, and to have him care. If he won't listen to your pain, or punishes you emotionally for it, then there's something extremely wrong. He also sounds like he may be Gas-lighting you (very under the radar type of emotional abuse)

I am so sorry for your difficulties, and I hope you find your answers to happiness soon.


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