# Unsure what to do.



## Ash98 (Mar 24, 2021)

Hello, all. I home hoping to get some advice. I am a new member. I am also not married yet, but I am engaged. The wedding is this summer. This will be a long post just a warning. I met my fiancé September of 2020, and we got engaged in December. While I know we had not been together long, I knew he was the one. I had been on several dates and talked to several people on dating apps and nothing clicked. With my fiancé I was nervous but soon realized I could be myself as he was just as goofy as me. I don’t have to worry about eating weird or having a full face of makeup on like I have felt in the past with other guys. His personality just goes with mine perfectly, and we are so happy together. However, I have some issues which I have discussed with him, but they have not been fully resolved. He has been working for 5 years as a groundskeeper at a park. He loves the work and being outdoors. However, he only makes $11 an hour or around $16,000 a year after taxes/net pay. I have bachelors in social work and work as a case manager making around $14 an hour. I just graduated last May, but I am considering going back to school to become an RN as i am worried we will not have enough to get a trailer or even an apartment. We live in a more rural, poor state. We will be living with his dad, and his dad has left my fiancé in the will to have the house one day. It is a cute house, and I would love to have it, but his dad does not want us there for too long, which I can understand wanting us to learn independence. We have both always lived with our parents and are trying to save up what we can. I have used all financial aid and will have to pay out of pocket for school in the fall as the college/tech school (for LPN) does not allow for loans. I will be working my way up to RN. I love social work, but the pay is not the best. I have thought about getting my masters to become a therapist, but in this area it still does not pay well. I do not know what to do. I don’t want him to have to leave his job. I just wish it paid more. He has never been to college but has not found anything to interest him or that he has wanted to spend the amount of time and money to pursue. Some days I just cry when I am alone because it affects me so much, and the anxiety and stress due to feeling like we will be broke forever has me left not knowing what to do. I am not going to leave him. I don’t care about him making a 6 figure salary or anything. I just would like him to make at least double what he is now. Any advice would be appreciated . Thanks


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Ash98 said:


> Hello, all. I home hoping to get some advice. I am a new member. I am also not married yet, but I am engaged. The wedding is this summer. This will be a long post just a warning. I met my fiancé September of 2020, and we got engaged in December. While I know we had not been together long, I knew he was the one. I had been on several dates and talked to several people on dating apps and nothing clicked. With my fiancé I was nervous but soon realized I could be myself as he was just as goofy as me. I don’t have to worry about eating weird or having a full face of makeup on like I have felt in the past with other guys. His personality just goes with mine perfectly, and we are so happy together. However, I have some issues which I have discussed with him, but they have not been fully resolved. He has been working for 5 years as a groundskeeper at a park. He loves the work and being outdoors. However, he only makes $11 an hour or around $16,000 a year after taxes/net pay. I have bachelors in social work and work as a case manager making around $14 an hour. I just graduated last May, but I am considering going back to school to become an RN as i am worried we will not have enough to get a trailer or even an apartment. We live in a more rural, poor state. We will be living with his dad, and his dad has left my fiancé in the will to have the house one day. It is a cute house, and I would love to have it, but his dad does not want us there for too long, which I can understand wanting us to learn independence. We have both always lived with our parents and are trying to save up what we can. I have used all financial aid and will have to pay out of pocket for school in the fall as the college/tech school (for LPN) does not allow for loans. I will be working my way up to RN. I love social work, but the pay is not the best. I have thought about getting my masters to become a therapist, but in this area it still does not pay well. I do not know what to do. I don’t want him to have to leave his job. I just wish it paid more. He has never been to college but has not found anything to interest him or that he has wanted to spend the amount of time and money to pursue. Some days I just cry when I am alone because it affects me so much, and the anxiety and stress due to feeling like we will be broke forever has me left not knowing what to do. I am not going to leave him. I don’t care about him making a 6 figure salary or anything. I just would like him to make at least double what he is now. Any advice would be appreciated . Thanks


Don’t get married. Way too soon and way too much to figure out.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Postpone the wedding. You haven't known each other long enough to get married. IMO you need to date for 2+ years before you get engaged. Then you need to have an engagement of at least 1 year. Marrying somebody you haven't even known for a year is foolish. There is no rush. Slow down. Settle into your career. Get to know each other. Save money. Have a real plan before you go rushing headlong into this. Marriage is work & it's even harder when you have financial problems.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You hardly know a person until at least 8 months in, and you're already engaged to be married after about 6 months and already having second thoughts.

Coupled with the poverty level income, this is an accident just waiting to happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Six months? No.

Too much needs to be sorted first — especially his income.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Ash98 said:


> Hello, all. I home hoping to get some advice. I am a new member. I am also not married yet, but I am engaged. The wedding is this summer. This will be a long post just a warning. I met my fiancé September of 2020, and we got engaged in December. While I know we had not been together long, I knew he was the one. I had been on several dates and talked to several people on dating apps and nothing clicked. With my fiancé I was nervous but soon realized I could be myself as he was just as goofy as me. I don’t have to worry about eating weird or having a full face of makeup on like I have felt in the past with other guys. His personality just goes with mine perfectly, and we are so happy together. However, I have some issues which I have discussed with him, but they have not been fully resolved. He has been working for 5 years as a groundskeeper at a park. He loves the work and being outdoors. However, he only makes $11 an hour or around $16,000 a year after taxes/net pay. I have bachelors in social work and work as a case manager making around $14 an hour. I just graduated last May, but I am considering going back to school to become an RN as i am worried we will not have enough to get a trailer or even an apartment. We live in a more rural, poor state. We will be living with his dad, and his dad has left my fiancé in the will to have the house one day. It is a cute house, and I would love to have it, but his dad does not want us there for too long, which I can understand wanting us to learn independence. We have both always lived with our parents and are trying to save up what we can. I have used all financial aid and will have to pay out of pocket for school in the fall as the college/tech school (for LPN) does not allow for loans. I will be working my way up to RN. I love social work, but the pay is not the best. I have thought about getting my masters to become a therapist, but in this area it still does not pay well. I do not know what to do. I don’t want him to have to leave his job. I just wish it paid more. He has never been to college but has not found anything to interest him or that he has wanted to spend the amount of time and money to pursue. Some days I just cry when I am alone because it affects me so much, and the anxiety and stress due to feeling like we will be broke forever has me left not knowing what to do. I am not going to leave him. I don’t care about him making a 6 figure salary or anything. I just would like him to make at least double what he is now. Any advice would be appreciated . Thanks


Do not get married. Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. It’s too soon, and there is already something about him (his income) that causes you anxiety. You don’t have to leave him, I’m not suggesting that. I’m suggesting you stay engaged, for a much longer time than this. Money is one of the top reasons people divorce, I suggest you get this square well before a wedding takes place. He is still on best behavior mode, as are you, even if you think y’all aren’t. You need some time to really let your issues come out and see if you can deal with them.
If you’re truly in love, truly meant to be together, waiting longer for the big day won’t seem like a big deal at all. The love is still the same.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Ash98 said:


> Hello, all. I home hoping to get some advice. I am a new member. I am also not married yet, but I am engaged. The wedding is this summer. This will be a long post just a warning. I met my fiancé September of 2020, and we got engaged in December. While I know we had not been together long, I knew he was the one. I had been on several dates and talked to several people on dating apps and nothing clicked. With my fiancé I was nervous but soon realized I could be myself as he was just as goofy as me. I don’t have to worry about eating weird or having a full face of makeup on like I have felt in the past with other guys. His personality just goes with mine perfectly, and we are so happy together. However, I have some issues which I have discussed with him, but they have not been fully resolved. He has been working for 5 years as a groundskeeper at a park. He loves the work and being outdoors. However, he only makes $11 an hour or around $16,000 a year after taxes/net pay. I have bachelors in social work and work as a case manager making around $14 an hour. I just graduated last May, but I am considering going back to school to become an RN as i am worried we will not have enough to get a trailer or even an apartment. We live in a more rural, poor state. We will be living with his dad, and his dad has left my fiancé in the will to have the house one day. It is a cute house, and I would love to have it, but his dad does not want us there for too long, which I can understand wanting us to learn independence. We have both always lived with our parents and are trying to save up what we can. I have used all financial aid and will have to pay out of pocket for school in the fall as the college/tech school (for LPN) does not allow for loans. I will be working my way up to RN. I love social work, but the pay is not the best. I have thought about getting my masters to become a therapist, but in this area it still does not pay well. I do not know what to do. I don’t want him to have to leave his job. I just wish it paid more. He has never been to college but has not found anything to interest him or that he has wanted to spend the amount of time and money to pursue. Some days I just cry when I am alone because it affects me so much, and the anxiety and stress due to feeling like we will be broke forever has me left not knowing what to do. I am not going to leave him. I don’t care about him making a 6 figure salary or anything. I just would like him to make at least double what he is now. Any advice would be appreciated . Thanks


I don't think you should get married. You have ambitions and a desire to improve things. It doesn't sound like your fiance has that much interest in doing so. That will become a huge problem for you eventually, like a marriage destroying issue.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He has a job and he loves it, this is a great start! And he’s been there for 5 years - amazing!

It sounds like you are looking for a wealthier guy, One who is also educated - this stands out to me.

You say he has no interest in finding something else and studying to further himself, yet you are talking about several different career options and changes because you are worried about more pay.

So we have two different people - one very stable and one committed person who is really happy with himself, and another person all over the place chopping and changing studies and ideas and so on, crying all the time and anxious.

You want him to be... like you? Does he get anxious about the path you’re on, or does he accept who you are? Why should he give up his employment, he seems reliable, content and happy with who he is. 

If I had a responsible fiancé, who loved his work I would be feeling very lucky!

There are educated men who earn lots of money, who change jobs, blow their money and are out of work here and there chasing something, while racking up debts.

And you don’t know where this man will be in 10 years. Given his working history, I see a great future ahead of him. I hope he marries a woman who will proudly send him off to work and listen to his day’s stories when he gets home. You don’t sound very proud of him. So I would suggest maybe finding someone who is just like you, college educated with a goal to have a better pay.


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## Ash98 (Mar 24, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> He has a job and he loves it, this is a great start! And he’s been there for 5 years - amazing!
> 
> It sounds like you are looking for a wealthier guy, One who is also educated - this stands out to me.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can't love or accept him as he is in a job he loves because he doesnt earn enough for you, then its not gong to work. Either love him as he is or cut him free to find a lady who will. You are not even married yet and you are already trying to make him someone he isnt.
Maybe you would rather he found a job he hated? Stop trying to change him. If you live in a rural poor state then rents should be very cheap. With your joint wages you should easily be able to get a small place, but with the way you are already reacting so early I would say its not going to work long term.

I am not against fast marriages. We married 9 months after meeting, but we were in our late 40's with a lot of wordly experience behind us, and you sound young. At the very least delay the wedding till next year and see how things go.I suspect things wont get better though becuse you want different things.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another thing that stood out ‘I would like him to earn double what he is now’.

If that’s what you want, and you’re ambitious, maybe you can work towards doubling your own income?

You can even do this by working hard to find another man who already has double his income 😉

And let this fiancé find a lady happy with the package that he is.


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## Ash98 (Mar 24, 2021)

Y’all are right. I sound like an ungrateful B. I know I have high expectations. I’m scared to live on my own. I just want enough to live comfortably when we have kids. I have no problem going back to school if needed. I’ve just been debating what to do. Just don’t want us to depend on his parents or mine. I do love him more than anything and I am grateful to have a man that works. I know many don’t and I am happy that he does what he loves. I’m just scared that’s all


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Ash98 said:


> Y’all are right. I sound like an ungrateful B. I know I have high expectations. I’m scared to live on my own. I just want enough to live comfortably when we have kids. I have no problem going back to school if needed. I’ve just been debating what to do. Just don’t want us to depend on his parents or mine. I do love him more than anything and I am grateful to have a man that works. I know many don’t and I am happy that he does what he loves. I’m just scared that’s all


Does marriage scare you?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Ash98 said:


> Y’all are right. I sound like an ungrateful B. I know I have high expectations. I’m scared to live on my own. I just want enough to live comfortably when we have kids. I have no problem going back to school if needed. I’ve just been debating what to do. Just don’t want us to depend on his parents or mine. I do love him more than anything and I am grateful to have a man that works. I know many don’t and I am happy that he does what he loves. I’m just scared that’s all


Another thing to think about is how good he actually is with money. Some people live really well on a smaller income because they know how to live within their means. A man who makes double but has a ton of debt may look better to you at the start of things, but is truly not because he spends more than he earns. If you make someone change a job for you to meet your standard, and they hate it, they may resent you. Or your pressure will make him feel unsuccessful and unworthy as he is, which are not nice feelings to have.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think if you’re looking for someone with drive even though you love this guy maybe he isn’t who you need as a life partner.

The easiest way to make more money without improving your skills is to work more hours. $16k a year is below the poverty line IIRC. If your dreams include a higher living standard you need to factor that in when making an important decision like this.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I agree with others that it is much too soon to get married. Also know, that you will not be able to control him or the work that he does. So you may want him to make double what he is currently making, but unless he wants to, it won't happen.

It's good that he loves the work that he is doing, but there are other things that are along the same line that he could do and make much more money. For instance, he could start his own landscape business, or start a nursery and help people with their own landscaping. But once again, he has to be the one to do this. $16k per year is below the poverty level so you guys will be living off others forever. Do not marry into this until it's resolved.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I agree with others that it is much too soon to get married. Also know, that you will not be able to control him or the work that he does. So you may want him to make double what he is currently making, but unless he wants to, it won't happen.
> 
> It's good that he loves the work that he is doing, but there are other things that are along the same line that he could do and make much more money. For instance, he could start his own landscape business, or start a nursery and help people with their own landscaping. But once again, he has to be the one to do this. $16k per year is below the poverty level so you guys will be living off others forever. Do not marry into this until it's resolved.


Its not below the poverty level if they are both working.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He needs to up his skillset.

Be a groundskeeper and a maintenance worker by learning electrical and plumbing, and mechanical skills.

Landscaping will always pay little.
So many are in it.
.....................

Unless, he owns his own business.

A truck or two, a trailer, zero turn lawnmowers, leaf blowers, shovels and rakes. A snow plow for winter time.

This takes capital to start. That is its own dilemma. Finding good and honest and reliable help becomes the next problem. Plus, learning the copious govt regs and tax forms, is a job in itself.

Life ain't easy. Hard work will pay off.

More education is the easier route for the both of you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

There’s also nothing wrong with not marrying him, it is ok if you have different wants and needs, you both may be happier with someone with similar goals. Your goals in life are important to you, if it’s causing anxiety there’s a reason for that.

The big goals are important to you, it’s ok to feel like this but not ok to expect him to change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Radiation Technologist is faster and pays as good or better


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

How old are you two? 

I would suggest doing your additional school ing before you move out/get married.

If you love him - you should be capable of understanding g he may never wish to do anything different for work. And if that is a problem for you... it’s either up to you to make more or accept it.

But I get a big feeling you will be resentful when ten years pass and he’s still doing the same thing for little money.

Some people just aren’t wired to strive for more. If that’s him you need to know now. Especially if you want a partner that earns higher.

I think you need to date for an extended period of time. You need more time to know if he’s driven or stagnant or just content.

I just don’t think you’ve had enough time to understand if you are financially compatible long term.

Can he write out his goals 5-10-15 years and see if those are things you can agree with or if they may be deal breakers for you?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are heading toward an eventual disaster. I know that they exist, but very few women accept for the long haul they being the breadwinner. Most women eventually resent and see their partner as lower than them, eventually losing whatever respect they have for the partner. We see it all the time. You seem to be a prime candidate to eventually fall into this category. 
Don't get marry to him. You have intellectual and professional ambitions, he doesn't. Bad recipe, regardless of how you feel toward him. if you do marry him, in a few years you'll be back here complaining how you husband has not ambitions, doesn't make enough money, you're tire of this. Combine this with your daily professional interaction with men that are at the top of the totem, and you will start to see your husband as a beta male that does not deserves your attention, that alpha male at your work does. Guarantee that that's how you will end up.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> You are heading toward an eventual disaster. I know that they exist, but very few women accept for the long haul they being the breadwinner. Most women eventually resent and see their partner as lower than them, eventually losing whatever respect they have for the partner. We see it all the time. You seem to be a prime candidate to eventually fall into this category.
> Don't get marry to him. You have intellectual and professional ambitions, he doesn't. Bad recipe, regardless of how you feel toward him. if you do marry him, in a few years you'll be back here complaining how you husband has not ambitions, doesn't make enough money, you're tire of this. Combine this with your daily professional interaction with men that are at the top of the totem, and you will start to see your husband as a beta male that does not deserves your attention, that alpha male at your work does. Guarantee that that's how you will end up.


100% Especially when you add in the fact she hasn't known him even for a year yet. Sounds like neither of them had many dating options.

She'll then decide that she deserves better, she'll want that guy at work so she'll divorce her husband and become a single mom. Now she's older, has kids in tow and is invisible to the kind of guys she now wants. Ironically she ends up either having to settle for another beta or a house full of cats.


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