# My wife cheated with my in law



## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

*My wife cheated with my inlaw*

I've bin married for 9 years with 2 kids. 2 years ago, I had a dream where I saw my wife having sex with a man and I became physical with her after they finished. 
She began to cry and confessed that she even had a sexual affair with someone very close to me (that was in the dream). 

I calld her and told her about the dream and she said nothing like that ever happened and that we need to pray against such...
However, since then, our love life declined and we barely had sex, not to talk of good sex..I noticed my wife had changed and lived like someone who had a secret and couldn't say it. every month, for over 2 years, I kept letting her knw how I feel about her keeping a secret shes not able to say.
I kept making my findings from her phone and mails e.t.c, and was about to find out when I confronted her with my findings, she then confessed recently that she had a sexual affair with my sisters husband 2 years ago...just about the time I had the dream.

I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time and could not say it out..
i really dont knw what to do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

Does your sister know about this?


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

My sister did not discuss with me but I guess she knows because she asked my wife about it when she found out her husband was having phone conversations with her. But promised my wife she wont tell about it


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

This was part of her confession


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

First, your sister owed telling you not supporting your cheating wife.
YOU need to decide what to do -- the cheating is 100% on her. What were her reasons for doing it? How do you know she hasn't done it again?

Think about it -- you've had to be around them and THEY all knew about it and kept you in the dark. What does that tell you?

She didn't tell you -- she knew that YOU found out about it and had no choice. That is NOT remorse -- that is regret that she got caught.

Get with a lawyer to find out information about what would happen in a Divorce. This will help you figure out what plan YOU want to pursue.
Can you get past the fact that you will have to deal with this POSOM for the rest of your life?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you want to leave, then leave.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

Is this a F-F relationship?


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

What does F-F relationship mean please ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

You need a timeline.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I think Golden is asking if you are another woman or a man, as you really did not specify.


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Ok..I am a man and my partner is a woman


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The dream you had was actually your gut telling you that your wife was/is cheating. 
The biggest problem is that she lied and and denied anything was going on. Her withholding sex was because she felt it would be cheating on her boyfriend. 
She never owned up, it could still be ongoing. 
You need to expose this affair to your family and especially your sister. Also you need to dna your children and have a full set of std tests. 
And leave.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sounds like she talks in her sleep.
Sounds like you listen in your sleep.
...............................................................

-OR- 

Tis', ESP, *E*ye *S*uspect *P*ussy footing around.

..............................................................

Once you knew and confirmed that _the cat was out of the bag_, and had been in bed with a Tom cat, she stopped pretending.
She knew _she did you wrong_ and could not face you....in the flesh. 

Shame kept her from embracing you, forward (or backward) in bed, in life, after your surprise, that unexpected reveal.
It reminded her of what she did.

............................................................

Is your Avatar name, viz., @Celestineelizabeth your waywards wife's name, by chance? 
Just curious, ever am, this. 

...........................................................

Your wife has so much too lose. She likely will lose her wedded husband, certainly her inlaw-sister.
And the whole family may fling her from their lives...for her sexual fling with an inlaw. It very well may make her an enemy and and an 'outlaw' with the bunch of them.

It is bad to cheat. 
Worse to cheat in your backyard.

..........................................................

Bad judgement on her part. Time to part ways with her.
The fact that she became distant to you 'after' her escapade showed her lack of love for you.

Shame is an appropriate behavior. Punishing others for your mistake is not.

Note:
I assume it was shame on her part.
It could very well be embarrassment on her part for being caught. Yes.
It could have been that wake up moment when she decided _it ain't you_, she loved. Yes.
It could have been that last ounce of decency _leaving_ her. This, oddly displayed by _distancing herself from you_. Yes.

..........................................................

If you are not happy in a marriage, divorce, go out and have your fun. 
For some that is hard, for others seemingly impossible. They are codependent.
For others, it is not a consideration. Empathy is not a suit found in their closeted mind.

Ach! The frosting and the cake are two tasty things, too easy to freely sample both, too hard to pick one, and discard the other.


KB-


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

She didn’t know what came over her? Obviously your brother in law! Unfortunately you have to blow it up, this is multiple betrayal, your wife, your brother in law, and it involves two families, I imagine your sister and BIL have kids as well. 

Sad part is she kept hiding it for two years knowing the turmoil that you were going through with your gut instinct. 

As well, it would be good for posters here to know more details so they know exactly what it is they’re helping you with. That being said, they may be able to help you decide to R or D. 

Please note that this is just my opinion, stay with us and there will be others who will be happy in guiding you on whichever road you decide to take.

OT


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> I've bin married for 9 years with 2 kids. 2 years ago, I had a dream where I saw my wife having sex with a man and I became physical with her after they finished. She began to cry and confessed that she even had a sexual affair with someone very close to me (that was in the dream).
> I callad her and told her about the dream and she said nothing like that ever happened and that we need to pray against such... However, since then, our love life declined and we barely had sex, not to talk of good sex..I noticed my wife had changed and lived like someone who had a secret and couldn't say it. every month, for over 2 years, I kept letting her knw how I feel about our marriage and I think she is keeping a secret shes not able to say. I kept making my findings from her phone and mails e.t.c, and was about to find out when I confronted her with my findings, she then confessed recently that she had a sexual affair with my sisters husband 2 years ago...just about the time I had the dream.
> I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time and could not say it out.. i really dont knw what to do


She has left you no choice but to file.
Who is she?
What did I have?
What do I have?
What will I have?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This is an affair that needs to be exposed, at least to your family. It is a terrible, multi-layer betrayal. Don't warn your wife, just let ALL of your family know what has been going on. The fact that you have worried about this for 2 years and she repeatedly lied......on top of cheating.

Honestly, I don't see how you could stay. I'd never be able to look at her again, much less stay married.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*



Celestineelizabeth said:


> My sister did not discuss with me but I guess she knows because she asked my wife about it when she found out her husband was having phone conversations with her. But promised my wife she wont tell about it


Let me guess.

Your *lying wife* told you this steaming pile of bull****.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

No way did it just happen there was a build up of some sort, do not take divorce off the table until you are good and ready to make a decisions and tell her that your decision is up to her to give everything you need. I would DNA your children and i would tell your sister that you are disappointed in her failure to tell you and that you want nothing to do with her and her husband...frankly if it was me i would have a serious come to Jesus meeting with him.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How long was the affair? How many times did they have sex? Your wife needs to provide you with a timeline of her affair. How it started, their conversations day by day and detail by detail. When where what. 

Why? because cheaters tend to minimize (it was just a few times or it's over) and you need to know what you are dealing with (and whether she's a safe partner).

She needs therapy to identify why she had an affair. You are 50% responsible for marriage problems but she's 100% responsible for her decision to cheat. There are many ways to cope with life and marriage - why did she choose to cheat.

The tears and drama mean are about herself - not about what she did to you.


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Thank you old time

I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
If i leave, the kids may suffer, if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore and I may not be living a happy life


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

Can one of the admins combine the two threads?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Oldtimer said:


> She didn’t know what came over her? Obviously your brother in law! Unfortunately you have to blow it up, *this is multiple betrayal, your wife, your brother in law,* and it involves two families, I imagine your sister and BIL have kids as well.
> 
> Sad part is she kept hiding it for two years knowing the turmoil that you were going through with your gut instinct.
> 
> ...


Sister knew too and conspired with the two cheaters to keep the secret from Celestineelizabeth. At least triple betrayal, maybe more depending on who else knew and kept the secret.



Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thank you old time
> 
> I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
> If i leave, the kids may suffer, if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore and I may not be living a happy life


If you leave the kids may suffer, if you stay she won't be happy living in a loveless marriage, you won't be happy, and your kids will suffer from living in that environment. 

If she was willing to cheat on you before, what do you think she'll do if you stay with her in a loveless marriage? You think she's going to remain faithful then?


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Friend, I have no doubt that you love your children dearly, you also loved the woman you thought was your wife. You have to take a bit to take this all in, then when the time to act is upon you. You should do it with military precision. Be it whether you want to remain with her or divorce. You have some hard choices to make in the days to come and I wish you the best in your deliberations. 

As I said being that this is a multiple betrayal, makes it even harder. She betrayed you. As did your BIL and possibly your sister with the knowledge she had. 

“My sister did not discuss with me but I guess she knows because she asked my wife about it when she found out her husband was having phone conversations with her. But promised my wife she wont tell about it”. ( from your other thread).

This is hard **** to swallow and I grieve for you. 

Another thing, she said she didn’t know what came over her at the time. A couple things come to mind, 1) that may have been “at the time”, but what about the two years since. Kinda shows me she would have rug swept the whole ) 2) you said there were phone calls, emails etc...., when did that stop or was it still going on? Seems like it was much more than she confessed to. 3) YOU caught her, she did not come clean on her own and gaslighted you since you started to ask the hard questions.

Regardless of all the above, you should expose. Your BIL is a POS as is your wife for putting you and children of both parties through this.

Take care of yourself and check out the healing library to help yourself.

Best wishes to you and kids.

OT


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thank you old time
> 
> I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
> If i leave, the kids may suffer, if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore and I may not be living a happy life


Better for you kids to come form a broken home then to live and grow up in one. Both your wife and your sister a low class, you will have a better life moving forward. Having an affair with an in-law shows both of them have serious, serious problems and seem to have not intention of fixing them. You will not be safe unless they do, and if you are not safe eventually your kids won't be either. At least they can have one stable parent.

Half of all people in the developed world grow up with divorced parents. In the long run your kids will be fine.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> This is an affair that needs to be exposed, at least to your family. It is a terrible, multi-layer betrayal. Don't warn your wife, just let ALL of your family know what has been going on. The fact that you have worried about this for 2 years and she repeatedly lied......on top of cheating.
> 
> Honestly, I don't see how you could stay. I'd never be able to look at her again, much less stay married. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/frown.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>


And get ready for fallout from your own family exposed both POS's . And your wife is used soiled leftovers why would you want that! needs to be D'd . Never stay in a marriage for the kids they will always be yours ( Dna them sorry) once proven and will love you , if POSWW could get over herself. She's bad mojo, you don't need that. Man up and kick it to the curb. 

Grow a pair bro grow a pair.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And about your family they already shown they are weak. Hang tough bro.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> I've bin married for 9 years with 2 kids. 2 years ago, I had a dream where I saw my wife having sex with a man and I became physical with her after they finished. She began to cry and confessed that she even had a sexual affair with someone very close to me (that was in the dream).
> I callad her and told her about the dream and she said nothing like that ever happened and that we need to pray against such... However, since then, our love life declined and we barely had sex, not to talk of good sex..I noticed my wife had changed and lived like someone who had a secret and couldn't say it. every month, for over 2 years, I kept letting her knw how I feel about our marriage and I think she is keeping a secret shes not able to say. I kept making my findings from her phone and mails e.t.c, and was about to find out when I confronted her with my findings, she then confessed recently that she had a sexual affair with my sisters husband 2 years ago...just about the time I had the dream.
> I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time and could not say it out.. i really dont knw what to do


So she not only screwed you over, but also your sister. Things should be fun at the next family dinner.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

If she "didn't know what came over her" it could certainly come over her again. How could you ever trust her.

She needs to go pray (to whatever god she prays to--it's certainly not the one that the rest of us worship), and give you everything in a divorce, including the children.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thank you old time
> 
> I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
> If i leave, the kids may suffer, if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore and I may not be living a happy life


Do not stay for the kids sake. Kids detect an unhappy home. Your home is not going to get any happier any time soon.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time


I think it was your sister’s husband.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I’m not sure I’d say that your sister “betrayed” you. She may feel, as you may, that stopping the affair and keeping it quiet is the best of all bad alternatives.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> I've bin married for 9 years with 2 kids. 2 years ago, I had a dream where I saw my wife having sex with a man and I became physical with her after they finished. She began to cry and confessed that she even had a sexual affair with someone very close to me (that was in the dream).
> I callad her and told her about the dream and she said nothing like that ever happened and that we need to pray against such... However, since then, our love life declined and we barely had sex, not to talk of good sex..I noticed my wife had changed and lived like someone who had a secret and couldn't say it. every month, for over 2 years, I kept letting her knw how I feel about our marriage and I think she is keeping a secret shes not able to say. I kept making my findings from her phone and mails e.t.c, and was about to find out when I confronted her with my findings, she then confessed recently that she had a sexual affair with my sisters husband 2 years ago...just about the time I had the dream.
> I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time and could not say it out.. i really dont knw what to do


 Divorce her. A few states have the 10 year mark as when you have to pay alimony for life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thank you old time
> 
> I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
> If i leave, the kids may suffer, if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore and I may not be living a happy life


If this is true then your kids will suffer more if you stayed married to this woman. You need to find someone else and show them what a true loving couple looks like.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> I’m not sure I’d say that your sister “betrayed” you. She may feel, as you may, that stopping the affair and keeping it quiet is the best of all bad alternatives.


His sister betrayed him. No ifs, ands, or buts. She knew, and helped the cheaters hide it. I'd want to know why she helped in the cover up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*

@Celestineelizabeth

I merged your two thread. You will get better input with only one thread.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

A liar, his WW claims that this BH's sister knew about the affair.

No way should the OP believe his WW when she said that his
sister knew about the affair. OP, call your sister and ask her
what does she know and when did she know it.

Another must is to DNA the kids. This is time to get the truth
and answers so you can make informed decisions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> A liar, his WW claims that this BH's sister knew about the affair.
> 
> No way should the OP believe his WW when she said that his
> sister knew about the affair. OP, call your sister and ask her
> ...


Agreed talking to the sister is a must.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What a terrible scenario. Is it possible your wife is lying about how much your sister knows, she is a cheater after all.
I suggest all is exposed to everyone.
1. Contact a lawyer, see the options.
2. Call your parents her parents, siblings, sister and husband together and announce whT you have found out. Do not put any of them on notice.
3. Ensure the kids are not there, adults only
4. Tell your WW and WBIL they both must come clean immediately
5. This is bound to be affecting your sister and her marriage too
6. You two have to work together 
7. I’m not sure if this marriage is salvageable, an affair with an in-law is a double betrayal
8. You may seek counselling after a trial separation
9. How old are your kids.
10 get your self some therapy to work through the issues


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> *A liar, his WW claims that this BH's sister knew about the affair.*
> 
> No way should the OP believe his WW when she said that his
> sister knew about the affair. OP, call your sister and ask her
> what does she know and when did she know it.


This is what I've been saying. But the OP isn't addressing most of the questions in this thread, so we still don't know if his sister really DID do this, or if it's just another *lie* from his lying cheating wife.

*OP - did you confirm with your sister that this actually happened?*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> if it's just another *lie* from his lying cheating wife.


I strongly suspect that you will find out that your sister did not betray you in this. Blood is thicker than water. And, all cheaters are liars.


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Shestillgotit - I didnt confirm from my sister. But my wife told me that my sister called her at a time to ask her what sas going on between her and d husband when my sister saw evidence of communication between them. 
I guess that was wen the affair stopped


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Why haven’t you talked to your sister? Why do you believe anything your wife says to you? She has been lying for at least two years and you now believe anything she says? When a cheater tells you something, everything they say has to be proven some other way. 

First thing is to talk to your sister. Ask her if she really knew. Then ask her why she did not tell you. 

When a cheater first confesses, they still lie about almost everything. They lie about how long it went on, how many times, how they liked it, why they quit,. They especially lie about quitting. Have you got proof they have actually quit. Cheating wives often cut off their husband. If she quit the affair, why is your sex life still in the dumps?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@Celestineelizabeth
What was/will be the consequences for your wife for having this infidelity? Or do you plan on letting her get away with this scot-free?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

aine;19941693
4. Tell your WW and WBIL they both must come clean immediately
/QUOTE said:


> This is hopeful thought, but isn't the rule. liers, will look you right in the eyes and tell everything but what the truth is. It's been two yrs that's a long time.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thank you old time
> 
> I have 2 kids, I love them so much and I love my wife too. But this incident destroyed the connection between my wife and i
> If i leave, the kids may suffer, * if i remain, I will not be able to love her anymore * and I may not be living a happy life


That might not be true. You claim to love her still. But if you won’t love her anymore, there’s no point in staying.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's not the in-law or your wife that surprises me the most, but it's your SISTER!!!!!
YOUR OWN BLOOD!!!!!!! How could she do that to YOU???!!! 
Your wife and your in-law are both derogatory people but your sister could be even more derogatory than them for keeping such important secret away from her brother!

It makes me throw up just thinking about it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Shestillgotit - I didnt confirm from my sister. But my wife told me that my sister called her at a time to ask her what sas going on between her and d husband when my sister saw evidence of communication between them.
> I guess that was wen the affair stopped


Ok, let me ease off a little. Your sister suspected at some point but only had evidence of communication and believed what she was told, she may still not know that there was a PA. Call her and tell her what you know and ask her what happened back then, why she didn't tell you, and who she did tell.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

This guy is a rug sweeper and his WW is a cakeater.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It does sound like you're ready to split, move out, yet purposefully finding reasons not to go through the hassle to carry out the work required executing an exit and re-establishing a new life. 

Kind of being lazy. Taking the non-action is easier route.

Your mind is made up but you're not willing to go through the pain and work.

You can do it, if you choose to. It won't be easy but the sooner the start, the sooner the healing process can begin.

Wallowing will create an entirely new set of problems. 

This may seem harsh. This isn't intended to be, but an objective view. 

Best wishes.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*



Celestineelizabeth said:


> I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading claiming she didnt knw what came over her at that time and could not say it out..
> i really dont knw what to do


Is it something that was a honest bad choice that happened in history, or is it something that might have been on going?

The person you are married to, is the same person they were 6 months ago, but now you know the "terrible secret" (or is the secret that it was still going on?).
Bad choices in the past, are in the past, we can forgive and look to see if the future hold better from both parties.
But if it was going on after your dream, or was drawn out for a long time, eg the distancing, then that means your partner has little respect for you or your joint project (aka "marriage").

Either way you should take reasonable steps to protect yourself, sexual tests, making your intention and expectations clear, don't accuse or berate the other person too much, getting upset is important as it shows that their actions are important to you, and things like property and finances need to be put in a situation where one person can't harbour a secret and clear out joint funds and property when the other is at work or get groceries. 
Getting some face time with a counselor probably be a good idea to help you process this (as emotionally you're likely to be used to either going solo or sharing with your partner, which is NOT appropriate in this situation).

Going forward can work IF both are willing, but things won't be the same, they can be better, but dont mistake the ignorance of the path for deeper trust. Trust is knowing you can be hurt, and allowing only that much to be torn away - throwing all in and letting the other person deal with it isn't trust, it's entitlement, ignorance, and dependency (and rude*!)

* just because a person doesn't want the hassle of dealing with adult realities doesn't mean they should get to dump everything on their partner. No matter how <#insert filtered word> traditional.


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Thanks alot spotthedeado. I welcome more advice on this...I'm still stunned at the moment and can't seem to think straight 
..I need to heal a bit first then decide on the way forward


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Only if you feel that there is something trustworthy left to hold onto in that marriage.

With rare exception, the cheater already now knows "the drill" and will be more than capable of resorting to its usage once again when they feel like it!

See a good family attorney!*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: My wife cheated with my inlaw*



spotthedeaddog said:


> things like property and finances need to be put in a situation where one person can't harbour a secret and clear out joint funds and property when the other is at work or get groceries.





Celestineelizabeth said:


> ..I need to heal a bit first then decide on the way forward


Yes, but don't wait TOO LONG to see an attorney like @arbitrator said and take action like @spotthedeaddog has said. This is the most likely time for a cheater to "run".... when the affair has been discovered..... Your wife had no intentions of telling you about this. She was going to keep the secret if you hadn't confronted her..... protect yourself..... "trust, but verify".....



jlg07 said:


> Think about it -- you've had to be around them and THEY all knew about it and kept you in the dark. What does that tell you?
> 
> She didn't tell you -- she knew that YOU found out about it and had no choice. That is NOT remorse -- that is regret that she got caught.
> 
> Get with a lawyer to find out information about what would happen in a Divorce. This will help you figure out what plan YOU want to pursue.


Before you "knew", things were "in control" for her, but your discovery is going to raise her stress level remarkably. So is the stress on your BIL going to increase remarkably. Break the "elopement" option....


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Thanks alot spotthedeado. I welcome more advice on this...I'm still stunned at the moment and can't seem to think straight
> ..I need to heal a bit first then decide on the way forward


Have you told your sister the truth of what was going on? She has the right to know or are you going to let her face your wife thinking she is a friend?

How in the heck are you going to be able to face your BIL now?

It would still be going on if your sister didn’t stumble across the fact that they were talking. 

I don’t think your wife could have chosen a person to have an affair with that could have caused the devastation coming your way.


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Yes, I called my BIL and told him all my wife told me about their affair. He didnt deny it and all he did was just to beg and beg, he couldn't explain why he did that...I was just disgusted


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Yes, I called my BIL and told him all my wife told me about their affair. He didnt deny it and all he did was just to beg and beg, he couldn't explain why he did that...I was just disgusted


You spoke to your BIL. Did you speak to your sister?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Sounds like he's trying to make sure you don't tell his wife. If his wife doesn't know, then your own wife just lied to your face--a particularly devious lie--and this should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sounds like he's trying to make sure you don't tell his wife. If his wife doesn't know, then your own wife just lied to your face--a particularly devious lie--and this should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.


this


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sounds like he's trying to make sure you don't tell his wife. If his wife doesn't know, then your own wife just lied to your face--a particularly devious lie--and this should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.





Celestineelizabeth said:


> My sister did not discuss with me but I guess she knows because she asked my wife about it when she found out her husband was having phone conversations with her. But promised my wife she wont tell about it


My money is on your wife doing to your sister what all cheaters do to their betrayed spouse (BS). She minimized and only confessed to what your sister could prove. They talked and their conversations became inappropriate and she’s sorry. They never touched. They kissed once, etc.

Your sister doesn’t know that they had sex.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> this


I think that his sister actually knew and did not tell OP.

Of course with the choppy and sparse replies from @Celestineelizabeth, frankly it at this point I am not sure...

And I guess the he is either too pissed off at his sister to ask her WTF, is her problem for not telling him in the first place. Or he is scared of his sister for some reason. 

For me, after I filed for divorce the next call I would have made would have been to my sister that did not have the decency to tell me her husband was screwing my wife.

But that is just me...


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> I feel very betrayed and want to just leave the marriage, but she keeps crying and pleading.





Celestineelizabeth said:


> I called my BIL and told him all my wife told me about their affair. He didnt deny it and all he did was just to beg and beg,


You have tremendous leverage over your wife and BIL right now. Before you expose you need to decide want you want.

You expose an affair to kill it and work on your marriage. If you know you’re going to divorce it’s better to play nice to get good divorce terms. You don’t overtly say “give me the house or I will expose you” because that’s blackmail. But your spouse and their affair partner (AP) will want to keep you happy. So keep your mouth shut and negotiate the divorce. They will get the idea.

Once you spill the beans your leverage is gone. You can always do that after the divorce is final.



Celestineelizabeth said:


> I kept making my findings from her phone and mails e.t.c, and was about to find out when I confronted her with my findings, she then confessed recently that she had a sexual affair with my sisters husband 2 years ago.


Make several copies of those findings and put them in different places including the cloud.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Sounds like he's trying to make sure you don't tell his wife. If his wife doesn't know, then your own wife just lied to your face--a particularly devious lie-*-and this should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.*


 His wife screwing his BIL should be the final nail in the coffin. Lying about his sister would just be the icing on the cake. Not very surprising "icing",even expected "icing", but betrayal stacked on betrayal just the same.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> His sister betrayed him. No ifs, ands, or buts. She knew, and helped the cheaters hide it. I'd want to know why she helped in the cover up.


Btw Celestineelizabeth, everything I said in that quote would apply to you if she doesn't know and you don't tell her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Yes, I called my BIL and told him all my wife told me about their affair. He didnt deny it and all he did was just to beg and beg, he couldn't explain why he did that...I was just disgusted





Tatsuhiko said:


> Sounds like he's trying to make sure you don't tell his wife. If his wife doesn't know, then your own wife just lied to your face--a particularly devious lie--and this should be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.





BluesPower said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > this
> ...


I would have to agree with all of these posts, your sister knew.

Is your POSBIL begging for what exactly?

To stop the family conflict on your side of the family? I wonder what they have to lose if the rest of your families find out. This is why she (your sister) didn't want to tell you, for her own selfish reasons.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Yes, set back and catch your breath before you act. But contacting and talking to an attorney is not "acting" it is gathering information for future action, so you can do that right away,.... just in case.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Yes, I called my BIL and told him all my wife told me about their affair. He didnt deny it and all he did was just to beg and beg, he couldn't explain why he did that...I was just disgusted


Beg and beg....for what? To not tell your sister? To not tell the rest of the family?

How long did the affair go on? When did it start? When did it end - if it did end?

WHERE did the affair happen? In your house? In your sister's home?

Either there is a lot you need to find out or you just do not feel OK with sharing here.

I suspect that your sister does not know about the sex part. At least I hope she does not. Either way, you need to talk to your sister. 

You cannot keep basing decisions upon the words of the two people who betrayed both families or what you assume happened. Does that not make sense?


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Yes, my BIL was just begging ma and apologising for his bad behavior when I called him. He couldn't explain why he did it...my wife said it happened just once n a hotel room before she realised what she did is wrong and stopped seeing him thereafter though they till spoke on the phone for a while after ..
I dont think my sister knows about the sex part


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> my wife said it happened just once n a hotel room before she realised what she did is wrong


Did someone trick them into going to a hotel?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Yes, my BIL was just begging ma and apologising for his bad behavior when I called him. He couldn't explain why he did it...my wife said it happened just once n a hotel room before she realised what she did is wrong and stopped seeing him thereafter though they till spoke on the phone for a while after ..
> I dont think my sister knows about the sex part


You need to tell her.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You should have asked him, “Is it true that you two only had sex three times?”

I’d love to know his answer to that 🙂

“Yes, it was only three times, I swear!”


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Yes, my BIL was just begging ma and apologising for his bad behavior when I called him. He couldn't explain why he did it...my wife said it happened just once n a hotel room before she realised what she did is wrong and stopped seeing him thereafter though they till spoke on the phone for a while after ..
> I dont think my sister knows about the sex part


So they went to a hotel to have sex. Only one time.

That takes a certain amount of pre-planning and lying to set up. Who suggested they get a hotel room? Who paid for the hotel room? Did they stay together over night?

So they did all this then just stopped? Maybe, but unlikely.

Remember cheater's are known to be untruthful when caught.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I agree it sounds like the BIL is begging because your sister (his wife) does not know the truth.

All affairs are inappropriate but your wife having sex with a trusted family member ranks among the most damaging for a family to recover from. 

Your wife's tears and drama and excuses are pretty typical so far (including your BIL). Everyone thinks the infidelity in their marriage/spouse is different. Nope. 

I can't tell you many times we heard an adulterer say it was just once.  You caught them and now she and the OM are in self preservation mode.
Do not believe anything they say about their affair (not when it started or ended ... or where or how often they had sex).

Insist on a detailed timeline subject to a polygraph test. It doesn't matter how accurate a polygraph test is - however, it's important that your wife believes that you believe 100% in the results. The prospect of a cheater facing a polygraph often stops the lies and triggers the truth.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

You should blow this up to all family and friends. And tell her you are thinking of divorce. I would say it happened more than once . And it didn't just happen there was planning involved. I would also tell him if you ever see him face to face you are going to kick his *as. And tell your sister you no longer wish to ever see or hear from her again .


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

Niceguy47460 - i read all comments, inm trying hard to take a decision but I'm considering the kids..... 9 and 7
...in all of this, I dont want them to have full information now because they could grow up to hate their mother forever and i dont want that....she has really bin a very good mother I must say
So I need to respond and act to all of this widely even though I am very mad


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Niceguy47460 - i read all comments, inm trying hard to take a decision but I'm considering the kids..... 9 and 7
> ...in all of this, I dont want them to have full information now because they could grow up to hate their mother forever and i dont want that....she has really bin a very good mother I must say
> So I need to respond and act to all of this widely even though I am very mad


Remember, she not only betrayed you and your sister, she betrayed the rest of your family as well. She put your kids future and any kids your sister has at risk for what? A one night stand with BIL.

Wake up. No good mother does that.

Kids are resilient - they adapt to the situation. Do not lie to your kids to protect you wife. You cannot control what they think about what she has done. Better to tell them the truth than to let them learn the truth from someone else and realize they were lied to by you.

You need not tell all the gory details. "Mom had a boyfriend and that is not allowed when you are married" will do fine.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Niceguy47460 - i read all comments, inm trying hard to take a decision but I'm considering the kids..... 9 and 7
> ...in all of this, I dont want them to have full information now because they could grow up to hate their mother forever and i dont want that....she has really bin a very good mother I must say
> So I need to respond and act to all of this widely even though I am very mad



Then you should rugsweep this occurrence as it never happened, and forgive your wife and bil and apologize to your sister if you have said anything to her. You will have shown your children just how a man gets $**t on and has very low bar set for himself and aloved one is allowed to do something so grave that regardless will be hidden.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> Niceguy47460 - i read all comments, inm trying hard to take a decision but I'm considering the kids..... 9 and 7 ...in all of this, I dont want them to have full information now because they could grow up to hate their mother forever and i dont want that....she has really bin a very good mother I must say. So I need to respond and act to all of this widely even though I am very mad


Think long and carefully. You are not in a rush. Do think of the kids. They matter.

Remember that life is not a dress rehearsal. This life is it, your only chance for happiness. There is no reward at the end for living a life of misery, and no second chance to live it right. Choose wisely and carefully.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> Remember, she not only betrayed you and your sister, she betrayed the rest of your family as well. She put your kids future and any kids your sister has at risk for what? A one night stand with BIL.
> 
> Wake up. No good mother does that.
> 
> ...


The truth. Simple truth, no gory details.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Have you spoken to your sister yet?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Cheaters lie to protect themselves. Have you confirmed the start date for the affair and the end date? Have you confirmed it was just once? 

Kids are a very important consideration in your decision to D or R. Generally the adulterer creates a story justifying their behavior so the kids (especially young kids) don't grow up hating them. To a great extent, the impact of D on children depends on the maturity of the parents and their ability to be civil to one another after the D. 

At a minimum, in order for you to be the best father to your kids and to lead your best life, you need to be in a marriage where you feel safe from infidelity. Tears and promises are not a long term basis for feeling safe. It will take her a minimum of 3-5 years of consistent, transparent and loving behavior with excellent boundaries (not words). 

You are 50% responsible for marriage issues but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat. 

You really need to know why she choose to cheat? Married folks are bored, over worked, angry, depressed, feeling ignored etc - but they don't decide to cheat. It requires a lot of work down a dark road for your wife to identify why (and then she can make herself a safe partner). 

It's a challenge for cheaters to fix themselves because they first have to admit that they are broken (not a good person). It's easier for a cheater to tell themself (and you) that it was just a one time mistake and they will never hurt you again.

If IC is too expensive, there are self help books that she should be reading. Action vs words.

And finally, no more contact with the OM (ever!).


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I will tell you now the kids already know something is wrong . Kids have a way of knowing more than you think . But if you don't do anything then she will do it again and again .


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Celestineelizabeth said:


> ...she has really bin a very good mother I must say


I have to disagree with this statement 
A good mother would not take dynamite to their family as well as their cousin’s family”

Good luck and stay strong


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## Celestineelizabeth (Aug 5, 2019)

I sincerely appreciate all comments and advice.....I will welcome more position on this issue. Im still waiting to wake up from this dream


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Better for you kids to come form a broken home then to live and grow up in one. Both your wife and your sister a low class, you will have a better life moving forward. Having an affair with an in-law shows both of them have serious, serious problems and seem to have not intention of fixing them. You will not be safe unless they do, and if you are not safe eventually your kids won't be either. At least they can have one stable parent.
> 
> Half of all people in the developed world grow up with divorced parents. In the long run your kids will be fine.


Agreed!
Your children will develope a warped idea of what a marriage and family are.

Also one of the worse environments for children is always having to walk on eggshells. It is extremely toxic.

There are no exceptions, a firm but accepting, and harmonious home is good for children, the opposite is not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Decorum said:


> Agreed!
> Your children will develope a warped idea of what a marriage and family are.
> 
> Also one of the worse environments for children is always having to walk on eggshells. It is extremely toxic.
> ...


Yep I have a friend who married a women who came from a very religious family. Her parents both good people had a bad marriage for years, there was no affection in that marriage for most of it. Who knows why. He says they fought like cats and dogs. 

So my friends wife grew up never seeing a healthy affectionate marriage. Because it was not modeled for her she doesn't have it with my friend. She seems to have no instinct for it and he is very unhappy. I think if he was honest he would say she is cold. 

The ironic thing is her parents divorced well after she had moved out. Her father is now with someone else and seems very happy from what I hear. The mother is now older then she would have been and still working even though she got a good settlement. It's quite clear she would have been much better off if she had divorced years earlier, maybe she would be with some else and at least not starting a new career in her late 60s. 

It's unwise to assume staying is the best choice for anyone's future, there could be a lot of unintended consequences.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Celestineelizabeth

You are in what is a double betrayal. Your wife and your brother-in-law. A double mind ****. Any way out of this is going to be negative. You have to take some action here for your own sanity and to insure that she suffer's consequences in order that it does not happen again.

1. *Contact your sister and ask why she called your wife about your wife and her husband's relationship. * You do not have to tell her what you have found. She didn't tell you anything in the first place, so you owe her nothing. Just tell her about you having suspicions.

2. *You need to set a tone with your wife.* First ask for a complete timeline of the affair from your wife to be checked against a polygraph examination to test the truth of everything she has or has not told you. May times cheaters confess more just before the test. This is called a "parking lot confession". Also ask about other men and other affairs. You need to know the totality of what you are dealing with here.

3. *DNA test your children even if they are your spitting image.* Sets a tone. Show her you mean business. Put the fear of god in her. Someone who would **** an in-law is certainly capable of ****ing around with someone else. 

4. *Demand she be tested and get yourself tested for STDs. *Sometimes these don't show up till later. Once again, set the tone.

5. *Have divorce papers drawn up.* Let her know that you are doing this. One misstep and she's toast. NO More Mr. Nice Guy! You can have her served if it is your desire, or just keep the threat over her head. Even if served, the process takes a long time and you can watch her actions.

6. *Demand all transparency to her electronics and social media. *Set the tone.

7.* Have her write an apology letter listing how she could possibly make this up to you. * What are her plans for trying to help you heal? Have her put these things down on paper. (Helps to have confessions on paper in court) :wink2:.

8.* Discuss child custody with her.* Things need to get real for her. Set the tone. She should be groveling, snot nosed, weeping at your feet.

9.* She faces being shamed at the highest levels.* You are in control. Keep it that way. You can use this at your will for a better deal in divorce or in a reconciliation. Your choice.

10. *Practice the "180" religiously. Here's a link: * https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

11. *Women respect strength, courage, and confident actions in a man.* Do this and set the tone!:smile2:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

skerzoid said:


> 1. *Contact your sister and ask why she called your wife about your wife and her husband's relationship. * You do not have to tell her what you have found. She didn't tell you anything in the first place, so you owe her nothing. Just tell her about you having suspicions.


It's not clear that she had anything to tell him in the first place, and it's bull **** to say he owes her nothing. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that his sisters husband cheated on her. Even if it wasn't a double betrayal he should tell her what he found. Yes, he should ask her what she knew at the time, and he might need to cut her out of his life if she actively abetted a cover up, but that isn't known yet and you seem to be advocating for him to cover it up to her. If she doesn't know and he doesn't tell her and she has to find out later the hard way I would be telling her that he's toxic and cut him out of her life. Which is why I keep asking the question

Celestineelizabeth, have you talked to your sister yet?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

You should really blow this up and beat his ass . You will feel a lot better


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> It's not clear that she had anything to tell him in the first place, and it's bull **** to say he owes her nothing. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that his sisters husband cheated on her. Even if it wasn't a double betrayal he should tell her what he found. Yes, he should ask her what she knew at the time, and he might need to cut her out of his life if she actively abetted a cover up, but that isn't known yet and you seem to be advocating for him to cover it up to her. If she doesn't know and he doesn't tell her and she has to find out later the hard way I would be telling her that he's toxic and cut him out of her life. Which is why I keep asking the question
> 
> Celestineelizabeth, have you talked to your sister yet?


Not that I need your approval when giving advice, BUT, if he ever wants his children to live in a normal family atmosphere, then this is something that has to be handled carefully. This could blow up the entire family. He cares, above all about his children. This situation is nigh unto incest. If he decides to blow the whole thing up, more power to him. If he decides to reconcile, then he needs to handle the information that is liable to destroy all the family members carefully. _*That is his decision to make*_, not yours, not mine. As far as advocating for a cover up, no. I am not advocating for anything. We are not here to *advocate* for divorce OR reconciliation, simply to give the OP options. 

As for his sister, she obviously knew something was afoot because she confronted his wife in the first place. Did she say one ****ing thing to him about it? No. I told him to talk to her but not to let her know what was up so he could find out what she knew and then make a decision on what to tell her. 

Exposure to all is a bargaining chip for either reconciliation or better terms in the divorce. He can expose at his whim, it's just when is the best time to do it, and with what goal in mind.

If you look at my proposed actions, they were to give him the strongest position no matter which course he decided to take. He doesn't seem to be willing to reconcile, so he can do what ever he wants to do, but is keeping his children in mind.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

skerzoid said:


> Not that I need your approval when giving advice, BUT, if he ever wants his children to live in a normal family atmosphere, then this is something that has to be handled carefully. This could blow up the entire family. He cares, above all about his children. This situation is nigh unto incest. If he decides to blow the whole thing up, more power to him. If he decides to reconcile, then he needs to handle the information that is liable to destroy all the family members carefully. _*That is his decision to make*_, not yours, not mine. As far as advocating for a cover up, no. I am not advocating for anything. We are not here to *advocate* for divorce OR reconciliation, simply to give the OP options.
> 
> As for his sister, she obviously knew something was afoot because she confronted his wife in the first place. Did she say one ****ing thing to him about it? No.
> 
> If you look at my proposed actions, they were to give him the strongest position no matter which course he decided to take.


Sister confronted wife about messages, not a PA. As far as I'm concerned the BS does have an obligation to notify the OBS as soon as the legal situation allows. And to say that "You do not have to tell her what you have found. She didn't tell you anything in the first place, so you owe her nothing. *Just tell her about you having suspicions*" is not advocating for a cover up is bull ****. You know that he has a confession from both way wards, so you straight up told him to lie to his sister.

I've never told my story here, and I probably never will. I'm a little over a week past the 30th anniversary of Dday, when I found out my wife cheated on me and got pregnant. My parents and one of my brothers knew and didn't tell me, and after Dday wouldn't tell me who the OM was. I didn't speak to any of them for years. Keeping the OBS in the dark is a massive trigger for me.

I'm so pissed right now my hands are shaking too much to keep typing.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Put down the machine gun nice kitty!!

You have a right to be angry. Sorry that happened to you. Most of us got ****ed over by someone we trusted and loved. It's the worst that can happen. Sounds like a pretty ****ed up situation. It could be one of the worst I've heard.

But again, I didn't advise him to go in saying "Oh God. Your husband ****ed my wife!!!!" Now he might end up saying that, but why not go at it easy first to find out what she knows? Then take it from there. Then he has options on which way to go.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Oops!


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