# Tricks of the trade to rekindle a dying marriage



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Restart the warm, loving, sexy glow inside your spouse that went out from years of predictable, disappointing, tired azz, neglectful crap (my prior expertise (the crap part that is))

I saved my dying marriage four years ago by reading about and fully embracing my compiled list of vital ingrediants to my marriage. Its long so here is a partial list of highlights

DO'S

1. Tell her I love her often. She NEEDS to hear it AT LEAST once a day everyday
2. Offer affection often every day throughout the day and night
3. Listen closely while she shares. She connects thru conversation
4. Be assertive, playful, flirtatious and spicy, Fun is vital
5. Make her laugh (#1 answer to what women want is humor)
6. Be helpful with kids, house, friends, family without prompting or complaint
7. Surprising her often with little trinkets and minor indulgences you know she likes reminds her you are thinking of her and what she likes
8. Put her at the top ahead of the kids, career, activities, etc
9. Defend her. Protect her. 
10. Be the solution to her biggest problem
11. Follow thru on all promises without complaint
12. Be your best self especailly about the basics like grooming, dress, manners
13. Tell her whats going on with you. Again, she connects with you thru conversation. 
14. Be strong with power in reserve (Masculine and considerate)
15. A little goes along way. Be there. Be an asset to her with your time and thoughtful considerations
16. A quick fun, spicy or thoughtful contact in the middle of the day gives her a boost that lasts for hours
17. Tell her no when shes out of line. She will respect your principles and wont respect a doormat

DONTS

1. Ignore her need to connect with conversation
2. Be distracted by the game, work, kids, problems, friends, family, responsibilities when she NEEDS your attention for a few
3. Come home in a foul mood. Shake it off before you hit the door
4. Be lazy about any of the basics
5. Make decisions without considering her 
6. Complain (see P.S. below)
7. Make her feel insecure with secrecy or inappropriate actions
8. EVER be a phony "nice guy" doormat. Thats for disrepected, underhanded, fake, lying azz, nauseating wussies with an agenda in secret without the balls to be masculine and principled that will die alone and confused scratching their head and their balls.

P.S. List 2 number 6 is referring to not being an incessant whiner about traffic, work, friends, parents, lack of opportunity, lousy customer service, the weather, neigbors, poor manners from strangers, etc. It is very unattractive to be a negative person. its tied at the hip with List 2 number 3 (bad mood)

What list 2 number 6 is not is not a ban on open communication with your spouse abput legitiamte concerns you have.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Noissues,

All good stuff. I have seen it work in many marriages. (For conversations sake) Not all, it assumes that you have a receptive wife. What if you don't? Would you suggest divorce? 

What if you are a man that does not believe in divorce? Or a man that does not want to give up, or lose it all?

A receptive wife is easy compared to a non-receptive one. There are many men out there, and even here on TAM, in this situation. What would you suggest to them?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Noissues,
> 
> All good stuff. I have seen it work in many marriages. (For conversations sake) Not all, it assumes that you have a receptive wife. What if you don't? Would you suggest divorce?
> 
> ...



I think women become non-receptive over time but didn't start out that way. He would need to know what caused it in order to cater to it. Looking back into WHEN things turned off for her can tell a whole lot.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> DO'S
> 
> Be the solution to her biggest problem


What if you are her biggest problem? :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl:





Sorry! Had to.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

1) I'm not trying to be combative here. These are the type of conversations that can actually help someone.

2) Southernwife, I love your sense of humor, I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read your reply.

3) *"He would need to know what caused it in order to cater to it."* Is it always a man's responsibility to cater to a woman? Or should a woman take some responsibility to do her part of creating a MUTUALLY happy marriage?

I know that will get some bad reaction, but lets be honest, there are an awful lot of women that have the princess attitude, I am entitled because I am a woman. Its the mans job to make me happy.

Every "good" marriage has one thing in common. A mutual respect for meeting each others needs.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

QUOTE=southern wife;457292]What if you are her biggest problem? :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl:





Sorry! Had to. [/QUOTE]

Are you my Wife?:scratchhead: That what she told me!!!!:lol:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

RDJ said:


> 1) Southernwife, I love your sense of humor, I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read your reply.


Hey, we all need a good laugh now and again...even on serious subjects. I just couldn't help myself on that one.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

kekel1123 said:


> QUOTE=southern wife;457292]What if you are her biggest problem? :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> Are you my Wife?:scratchhead: That what she told me!!!!:lol:



:rofl: :toast:


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

RDJ said:


> Noissues,
> 
> All good stuff. I have seen it work in many marriages. (For conversations sake) Not all, it assumes that you have a receptive wife. What if you don't? Would you suggest divorce?
> 
> ...


RDJ, 

I appreciate your question, 

I am very reluctant to suggest divorce except in the case of physical abuse, substance abuse, child abuse, serious emotional abuse, severe mental illness, incarceration and others on my no brainer list. I understand others can disagree but I dont think anyone needs to tolerate those. 

I have honestly not cracked your code because I have not lived it. I was the neglectful spouse totally ignorant of my wifes needs. I was a total idiot unprepared to be a good husband after the three year honeymon period. 

My wife is a warm, loving person and I just **** all over her with my self-important, too busy for silly romance attitude and she still made ME happy.

When she announced SHE wasnt happy I could not imagine life or did not want a life without her under any circumstances. I hit the books and cracked the code I needed to crack.

That honestly being said, I am deeply interested in your point for the sake of so many here and elsewhere so I asked my wife about it. 

She said ...

1. It depends on how long its been gone (resentment built up)
2. If its not well done, the ability to look at it with suspicion of an agenda is very difficult. It must be sincere not transactional
3. A blanket statement that all wives will REOPEN to even a consistently practiced, restored romance can not be made
4. Some MAY be just too far gone to save
5. She agrees with your point about the princess issue (never satisfied) 

Your specific subject how to reopen a nonreceptive wife warrants a new thread. To be frank, I have made several posts about my success with my RECEPTIVE WIFE that got a nice mix of responses in agreement so thats telling its workable under the BEFORE ITS TOO LATE with an equal number of responses similar to yours where a nonresponsive spouse just isnt opening back up. Its obviously a severe case of I dont love you anymore. 

Id encourage you to write such a post. I promise to look into it more. I hope we get solid actionable advice instead of doom and gloom, me too piling on. 

Your subject may be the most relevent and helpful of all on TAM in my opionion. Solving that puzzle would do more good than any other. 

P.S. the "what if you are her biggest problem?" made me LOL for sure but in all seriousness, I was my wifes biggest problem until she pulled my head out of my azz with a direct announcement "Im not happy" I got the message. Solving that very problem made me the solution to it. 

Id imagine wives that are beyond the SAVE stage, wouldnt bother to mention it. Perhaps wives sharing their concerns is a reliable indicator its NOT TOO LATE. 

Hope this helps


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

RDJ said:


> 1) I'm not trying to be combative here. These are the type of conversations that can actually help someone.
> 
> 2) Southernwife, I love your sense of humor, I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read your reply.
> 
> ...


Of course not. I said that in the context of the DO's and DON'T's list provided above. He wants to please his wife. Pleasing is the same as catering to in my book. I don't look at it in a negative sense, men and women in a marriage both cater to one another in some way all the time.

I can't stand princesses or entitled acting women. And it's not my man's job to make me happy, happiness in my life is my responsiblility. He just adds to it. Him doing things I like ADDS to my happiness and theres nothing wrong with that. He's taking an interest in me and what pleases me... nothing wrong with that either. I need him to pay attention to me, he does. He recognizes my need and caters to it for the benefit of us both. We both get something from his attentiveness. I do the same for him... it all balances out.

But again, I was answering in the context that was presented above... we're not talking about ME


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

No issues,

Thanks for your reply. I don't ask for myself. My wife responed to the same approach. But only after two years, and many shi! tests, did she start to open up.

As for my writing a post on this. I have been working on it for some time. I think I still need some more field work, I am open to all suggestions. 

I did write something for my website in regard to entitlement though.I'm happy to share it. I'll post it right now.

I'll call it "entitlement"

I look forward to talking with you more in the future.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

RDJ said:


> No issues,
> 
> Thanks for your reply. I don't ask for myself. My wife responed to the same approach. But only after two years, and many shi! tests, did she start to open up.
> 
> ...


Looking forward to reading it. Glad to hear things worked out. I enjoy your posts also and look forward to further discussion. Its nice to read success stories and to be challengeed for further depth and nuance to server a wider pool of fellow members


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

NoIssues said:


> Its nice to read success stories and to be challengeed for further depth and nuance to server a wider pool of fellow members


NoIssues,

Not to be argumentative because I like your list, but suppose one does all this stuff or as much as they can and there is no validation or gratitude or any giving back. Is this OK? Is it possible that the guy will incur some resentment after making all this effort and just getting "OK, that's nice" in return?

Shouldn't someone who serves up all this love, affection, and attention for nothing in return let their partner know that their needs are not being met? That they are expecting at least some amount of return in kind? 

This interaction is not on the list. A lot of women (and men also) would immediately categorize a statement of their partner's needs not being met as a complaint, which is banned in list 2 item 6. Is it allowed?


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> NoIssues,
> 
> Not to be argumentative because I like your list, but suppose one does all this stuff or as much as they can and there is no validation or gratitude or any giving back. Is this OK?
> 
> ...


Thank you for this question. 

My list 2 number 6 is referring to not being an incessant whiner about traffic, work, friends, parents, lack of opportunity, lousy customer service, the weather, neigbors, poor manners from strangers,etc. it is very unattractive to be a negative person. 

What list 2 number 6 is not s not a ban on open communication with your spouse. 

I think the real work is to crack the code of the UNRESPONSIVE SPOUSE. As I stated above, my wife was VERY RESPONSIVE over time but the response was very noticeable in small ways almost immediately. I asked her to help us above. Check that out. 

Sorry I can not be more helpful with that trick box but I am working on it with your help


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Tenyearhubby,

I have to agree with noissues here. I can only speak from my own experience here but it took me close to three years of persistance to see what I considered "results".

That in itself was part of the problem. (As noissues has reffered to) I could not see the little improvements, I wanted it all right now. When I could not appriceate the small signs, I would get frustrated and push for more. Every time I did, I would push her right back to square one. Not until I accepted, started to appriciate the little things, and remained consistant and persistant did I see real results.
Slowly things got better. You can expect setbacks, but if you allow a setback to turn into a big deal, you start over. You have to give her time to trust that you are not manipulating her for your needs. That will come on her time schedule, not yours. You can't push her clock forward, but you sure can push it back.

My marriage is certainly not perfect, we still have a set back here and there. I think thats just the way marriage is, its a constant effort by both. But 80% good, beats the he!! out of 0. Appriciate every little step forward and let her know that you do. You might be surprised in her response.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I would love to be surprised. My youngest kid will be out of college in 2028 so I have plenty of time to wait. Btw, I consider any decrease in hostility to be a big improvement
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Btw, I consider any decrease in hostility to be a big improvemet


Lord knows that I had more than my share of hostility to deal with too. I don't know how you deal with it or if this will help?

I had to take a hard stance on this one. I refused to allow her to communicate in this way. "I will not tolorate your abusive behavior, when you can talk to me in a kind, respectful manner, I will be here to listen. Until then, don't talk to me at all."

You have to mean it, and do not interact with her until she does so. When/if she does, put it behind you and move forward in a mutually respectful way. But always hold your ground every time she is disrespectful.

No excuses!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> Lord knows that I had more than my share of hostility to deal with too. I don't know how you deal with it or if this will help?
> 
> I had to take a hard stance on this one. I refused to allow her to communicate in this way. "I will not tolorate your abusive behavior, when you can talk to me in a kind, respectful manner, I will be here to listen. Until then, don't talk to me at all."
> 
> ...


Thanks RDJ, I think we have had some similar experiences. I choose to take a softer approach where I call out abusive communication as it happens and look for mutual agreement to stop it. I don't lay out hard conditions because I feel it sets up a lose/lose situation. I don't think my wife's bad behavior is under conscious control, she is unconsciously modeling what she saw in her home as a child. 

A sense of entitlement is one of the underlying personality characteristics that is present in most abusive relationships. For whatever reason, there is not a lot of support for men on the receiving side of verbal abuse, but we are making positive progress.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Your welcome ten year.

I tried the softer approach myself. Too little, too late for our situation. I felt a harder stance was necessary. I certainly recieved a lot of resistance at first, and had some trouble with keeping my cool at times. But through persistance, we are learning that there is a better way to communicate. I would be BSing you if I said we did not have arguements, we surely do, but arguements beat the hell out of fights.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

You have my sympathies. I think the hard thing with a lot of save-your-marriage courses and advice is that they always pre-suppose that you both have the ability to first sit down together and talk without world war 3 breaking out. I have a friend (female) who did her research, read the books, went armed with all this great info to her husband, and he just didn't want to talk, walked out. Marriage didn't last long after that, so I guess she got closure in one way.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RDJ said:


> Your welcome ten year.
> 
> I tried the softer approach myself. Too little, too late for our situation. I felt a harder stance was necessary. I certainly recieved a lot of resistance at first, and had some trouble with keeping my cool at times. But through persistance, we are learning that there is a better way to communicate. I would be BSing you if I said we did not have arguements, we surely do, but arguements beat the hell out of fights.


Cool. Disagreeing is fine as long as it is done fairly. Setting and getting agreement to follow some rules for fair fighting is one of my medium term goals. Given my wife's personality, if I set hard rules she will eventually breach them just to prove she can. This is counterproductive since she can probably go away for quite a long time.


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