# Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

It's been about 1yr and a 1/2 since I found the sexting from my husbands phone to the ow... 
I emailed all the msg to me (about 1500). Every now and then when I think of a certain day (like the day we took our twin babies home from hospital) I logged onto my email to see if he talked/msg her on that day, and what types of conversations held place on that special day..? It broke my heart again reading how much he loved her, how he misses her, what he wants to do to her, telling her he had to leave work in the middle of the day (not telling her it was because we were picking up our babies) and when he went back to work how everything went pear shaped and couldn't wait to talk to her that night and have sweet dreams about her...

To me, I think it is much worse that he spoke to her on such a special day. When I was trying to explain it to him yesterday why, he said what difference does it make if I spoke to her on that day or any significant day? I tried my best to make him understand how horrible it was to think of texting/sexting/talking to her when his mind should of been busy thinking of our new babies etc.. 
So he then said to me, well I was in a relationship with her I spoke to her all the time, when I was happy sad or bored... He has now turned it on me saying, I promised him I would never read the msg again and I'm a liar and I'm cheating on our relationship by doing this...!
Am I? I don't know why I continually put myself through toucher by reading them, sometimes it's more hope that I'll find that he did do the right thing and not talk/text her on an important day. And, is it stupid of me to think it was worse for him to want to contact her during significant/important days and what does that say about him if he thinks that it didn't matter on those days especially??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I did similar information reviews after I found out about my WW's affair. I think it was my way of trying to deal with my shock of my wife's marital affair. I think I was trying to digest what seemed so insane to me. Over time it lessens the more you come to accept the reality of what occurred. Be patient with yourself...you just need time to heal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why do people keep looking at scabs? Dunno. But we do.


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

I have listened to a recording I got of one of my wife's sessions a few times, as well as things she had written to the current fantasy OM. I would do it because I wanted to feel the disgust and renewed determination, but realized I had to stop because it was just renewing the hurt and disbelief.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

StillLife said:


> I have listened to a recording I got of one of my wife's sessions a few times, as well as things she had written to the current fantasy OM. I would do it because I wanted to feel the disgust and renewed determination, but realized I had to stop because it was just renewing the hurt and disbelief.


I could not have coped with this. I think I put the very idea of my wife and her OM having sex into a locked trunk in the lumber room of my mind.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I know for me when I did things like that I was looking for closure. Your husband doesn't sound all that remorseful and until he really steps up to the plate you are going to keep checking until you feel secure enough in your relationship, or maybe you won't only you will know the answer to that. I'm sorry you are here.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You're still in pain. That's perfectly natural, too.
I can relate.

Soon, I'm sure you'll be looking at them less and less though,
until the time when you can put them away for good.

Everyone heals at their own pace. You're going at yours.
You'll get there. In time, we all will.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> It's been about 1yr and a 1/2 since I found the sexting from my husbands phone to the ow...
> I emailed all the msg to me (about 1500). Every now and then when I think of a certain day (like the day we took our twin babies home from hospital) I logged onto my email to see if he talked/msg her on that day, and what types of conversations held place on that special day..? It broke my heart again reading how much he loved her, how he misses her, what he wants to do to her, telling her he had to leave work in the middle of the day (not telling her it was because we were picking up our babies) and when he went back to work how everything went pear shaped and couldn't wait to talk to her that night and have sweet dreams about her...
> 
> To me, I think it is much worse that he spoke to her on such a special day. When I was trying to explain it to him yesterday why, he said what difference does it make if I spoke to her on that day or any significant day? I tried my best to make him understand how horrible it was to think of texting/sexting/talking to her when his mind should of been busy thinking of our new babies etc..
> ...


Stillhurting,

Don't feel like you are alone in this. I posted on another thread recently that I go through the 3600 emails from the POSOM to my wife every few weeks, matching the e-mail dates from that year to current date.

Don't know why I still do it after a year and a half in R. Perhaps it's a way to remind myself not to forget. Maybe it's to conjure up my emotions to avoid complacency.

I'm sure it unhealthy for R, but so be it. It's what I feel I have to do and I'll continue till I'm dam well good and ready to stop.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I had archived a pretty lengthy Facebook conversation between my disloyal wife and her POSOM. For about a month after Dday1 I pretty much obsessed over it, dissected it, and brought it up a lot. 

DW's therapist (I was going too) thought I should put the FB conversation aside, that obsessing over it it was unhealthy... so I put it aside for three months. 

After Dday2 when I discovered that DW had reignited the affair and escalated it, and that what had been previously revealed was just the tip of the iceberg, I re-read the Facebook messages. The clues that much more had happened prior to Dday1 were there- I ignored them. "Truth bias" as people here pointed out. I desperately wanted to believe my DW. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had kept chewing on it, questioning it, confronting the inconsistencies. 

I'm not sure if dwelling on evidence, until you're satisfied with what you know, is a bad thing. You have your spouse's words which aren't particularly trustworthy, paired with hard facts. The reality of the truth is important to process. I think it can reach an unhealthy point, but I'm sure that's different for everyone.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I agree with ^^^^^^^^^^! I am at the 1.5 year since Dday, too. I was OBSESSED with putting the pieces back together by reading over 1,000 emails, checking calenders, work diaries, even time tickets...I even copied out a few of the more hurtful emails and once in a while reread them...I think its like this: the relationship you thought you had with WS gets blown to smithereens on Dday and you frantically pick thru the evidence of WS's other life, the double life, real life, the affair life he led to rewrite the truth of your life. They are like pieces of a puzzle you must completely understand in order to ACCEPT them, put closure on and leave behind. HOWEVER, you WS is not doing anything to help you heal and the painful irony is that the only person who can heal you is the one who hurt you. He must fess up, answer any question you need answered, be completely transparent, no blameshifting, no rugsweeping. He created the nightmare, and he must own up to the painful consequences of what his actions did to you if he loves, cares for and wants to heal you. You really cannot do this on your own. My WH reacted similiarily, never, until recently, realizing that he had to do the heavy lifting of helping me understand the why of his betrayal. Because understanding the why of the affair also helps to repair the breakdown in the marriage that led to the affair...made him open to an affair. Unless your husband is a pathological, serial cheater, a total scumbag, he needs to prove to you every day, every time, his committment and dedication to repairing the damage his selfishness created. Be patient, perservere and stand your ground, don't let him bully you, you have a right to know if you need to. But do not over-react and fall apart when you do get the answers you seek, stay calm, talk it out and communicate your need for reassurance. In my case, all I needed was the truth, his arms around me, telling me I am sorry, I am here now and will be tomorrow...and he couldn't do it even tho I asked over and over. We are still together, and doing so much better, but I know without a doubt that had he done that sooner, I would be so much further on the path to putting it all behind us....good luck.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I did it for a while then one day I went to the PC and hit delete on all of them. It was time to move on.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I just went through WH's Skype convos yesterday (been 6mo). I even highlighted all of the parts that piss me off. I think it's normal, and eventually when you are ready to move on, you will delete.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

You know in some ways it's good that you have "the" record of what happened. I discovered and retrieved tons of skype messages. When it first happened there was one set in particular where she was fantasizing about what they would do had she got pregnant. How they would listen to the baby's heartbeat together and then post a picture of the sonogram for all their loser friends to see. It was by far the most hurtful thing about the whole affair especially considering I got a "V" because we were done having kids. I would have been happy with more but she was done. And then to pull this.

Anyway, that was one of the first messages I saw and in my crazy state of mind let her convince me to delete. I later retrieved hundreds of other messages and go back and read them occasionally (it's been several weeks now). At least I know exactly what they say and in what context. I would love to have access to that original set though because I often wonder if there was more or less to it than I remember.

I think in a lot of ways going back and rereading old messages is a good way to keep our imagination in check. And also keep us from forgetting.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You're not obsessing, you're trying to put a "why" & "how" to what your husband did.
This is nothing more than you trying to wrap your mind around what happened because more than likely your husband Trickle Truthed you & you still have not gotten all of the truth out of him.
Just from his behavior & the things he has said to you, it seems to me that he is NOT remorseful, has done the bare minimum to R with you & has not recovered from his affair.
You do not feel secure in your marriage & for good reason.
If I was in your place, I would want to know if the affair was really over.


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## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

Dear OP (still.hurting),

I'm sorry you're going through this.

As for the special dates... on this I believe your husband when he said it was because her had a 'relationship' with her (/PUKE/ I know). He was used to her being some part of his life and constant communication. And he was used to being on selfish mode. Not that it makes it okay. But I think it was really just that simple for him.

But I understand why it makes a difference to you. It adds insult to injury.




still.hurting said:


> ... He has now turned it on me saying, I promised him I would never read the msg again and I'm a liar and I'm cheating on our relationship by doing this...!
> Am I?


That ^ however, I think is extremely cowardly and selfish and unfair of him now.
No, YOU'RE NOT cheating on your relationship! You're trying to cope and heal and YES, that is PART OF (even if it's the step back you take for every two steps foward but it's a necessary step nonetheless!)
He should understand what you're going through. What HE put you through. All of this is consequence of HIM. He should at the very least allow you this small 'cheat' in reading those text messages given you've allowed him the big cheat that caused all of this. And by 'allowed him the cheat' I only mean that despite all your pain and confusion and negative feelings towards him you decided to try to salvage your marriage. 



krismimo said:


> Your husband doesn't sound all that remorseful and until he really steps up to the plate you are going to keep checking until you feel secure enough in your relationship...


I think THAT ^ is the main reason you're looking through those messages.

He should hold your hand and dry your tears every time you need him to. He should WANT to do this. He should encourage you not to revisit those texts but he shouldn't make you feel any shame or guilt for it or blame you of sabotaging your reconciliation. If he really loves you, or let me rephrase, if he loves you enough to put you first, he will work through his guilt and face the consequences of his actions and face the damage he caused you and work on REALLY fixing it, not just sweeping it under the rug. And he will do this lovingly and patiently.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

@ allwillbewell; thanks for your comment. I never thought of it like that before (trying to piece together the REAL life that he was living with us...)
He hates talking about the affair, he says it's because he can't handle knowing what he did and seeing me in so much pain and can't understand why every now and then I want to revisit that ugly pass. Hopefully now I'll be able to help him understand why...

I also need to tell him that I don't feel secure in our relationship anymore, mainly because he tells me he won't leave when we have a fight -but he has twice since we reconciled, he said that he would never try and contact her and he's not interested in her or her life and that's why he deleted all his emails/pics/msg ect -yet only a month ago he was searching for her on Facebook, google and other sites, he said that he will NEVER cheat on me again and is committed to making us work, but unfortunately actions speak louder than words...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Obsessing over the past is not healthy. I would delete the great majority of evidence if not all of it. IS it going to help you? I doubt it. It will make you look obsessive and weak. 

If your H loves you. He doesn't love you because your obsessive. If he is repentent, he doesn't need to be beaten on the head every day. If he's not you shouldn't be with him.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> Obsessing over the past is not healthy. I would delete the great majority of evidence if not all of it. IS it going to help you? I doubt it. It will make you look obsessive and weak.
> 
> If your H loves you. He doesn't love you because your obsessive. If he is repentent, he doesn't need to be beaten on the head every day. If he's not you shouldn't be with him.


I DON'T GIVE A * HOW IT MAKES ME LOOK...
And I will NEVER delete the msg's as I am not ready to
And, if he doesn't love me cause I'm not over the past or 'obsessing' about what happened, then he is free to go!
AND, I don't beat him over the head with it 'every day'. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for what he did and he knows this but I do know that we are both trying to get through this the best we can. Some days I think we will be ok, other days I don't, whatever happens happens, but I'm definitely not going to act a certain way just so he stays...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I did it for a while then one day I went to the PC and hit delete on all of them. It was time to move on.


This is what I did too joe. I didn't have any messages or emails to look at but I had phone logs. Some days I sat there all day just working out where and when calls were made and Txts were sent. I was becoming obsessed! So they had to go. All paper evidence shredded. He changed his mobile number and we cancelled the other online account. I don't regret it for a second. There comes a time when it just has to stop. It'll just drive you crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> I DON'T GIVE A * HOW IT MAKES ME LOOK...
> And I will NEVER delete the msg's as I am not ready to
> And, if he doesn't love me cause I'm not over the past or 'obsessing' about what happened, then he is free to go!
> AND, I don't beat him over the head with it 'every day'. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for what he did and he knows this but I do know that we are both trying to get through this the best we can. Some days I think we will be ok, other days I don't, whatever happens happens, but I'm definitely not going to act a certain way just so he stays...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But how are you going to move forward and begin to heal if don't delete them? This isn't for your Hs sake, it's for you. Surely reading and re reading the emails just keeps that festering wound open and will hinder any attempts at healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> @ allwillbewell; thanks for your comment. I never thought of it like that before (trying to piece together the REAL life that he was living with us...)
> He hates talking about the affair, he says it's because he can't handle knowing what he did and seeing me in so much pain and can't understand why every now and then I want to revisit that ugly pass. Hopefully now I'll be able to help him understand why...
> 
> I also need to tell him that I don't feel secure in our relationship anymore, mainly because he tells me he won't leave when we have a fight -but he has twice since we reconciled, he said that he would never try and contact her and he's not interested in her or her life and that's why he deleted all his emails/pics/msg ect -yet only a month ago he was searching for her on Facebook, google and other sites, he said that he will NEVER cheat on me again and is committed to making us work, but unfortunately actions speak louder than words...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry but I only just read this. Your H is obviously not pulling his weight here. Are you sure he wants to reconcile? Him searching for the OW on FB is a major red flag. 
I'm sorry you are going through this. H should be doing everything he can to rebuild your trust, he's not, no wonder you can't let to of those emails !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Why do people keep looking at scabs? Dunno. But we do.


It is way of processing abnormally huge life-altering effects. And if the WS cannot understand this and support the BS through his/her pain, then I'm sorry but the WS needs to go.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

I showed my H a few comments in my post, especially from cj9947 & allwillbewell... 
He really took it in and said 'very good responses, that does make a lot of sence'
He held me in his arms, kissed my forehead and told me how much he loves me, how sorry he was for not even thinking of that reason of why I revisit the past'. He said that it makes him scared to talk about what happened cause he fears me hating him more and fears me leaving him, he said he fears everyday I will leave him and feels like he is just waiting for the day for me to say 'I've had enough, it's over'. He suggested that maybe we choose a weekly time and day so I can prepare random questions that pop into my head and bother me, and he is prepared to answer them honestly provided we stay calm and are able to talk through things without fighting afterwards. He also said, most times when talk about the affair and when I'm upset or distant, he wants to comfort me but he feels like I don't want his love right then and fears me rejecting him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

cj9947 said:


> I did similar information reviews after I found out about my WW's affair. I think it was my way of trying to deal with my shock of my wife's marital affair. I think I was trying to digest what seemed so insane to me. Over time it lessens the more you come to accept the reality of what occurred. Be patient with yourself...you just need time to heal.


Exactly the same for me.

My wife was involved in multiple affairs on and off for years before she was caught with proof. Once I knew, I retrieved archived emails, FB records, phone logs, credit card records... you name it. 

We all do it. I think I was trying to see inside this imposter that had been lying to me for years. Basically, who are you? I matched dates too. Did you check your B'day or Anniversary? It hurts to think someone you had been married to for 25 years would send you a "Happy b'day, I love you." and 10 minutes later start a conversation with their secret lover. 

Have you done the picture thing? Since all digital photos are internally dated, you get to look at WW in context of their cheating. In my wife's case, it was very apparent that she was trying very hard to look as young and sexy as possible.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I was too obsessed with looking into the chat and email content. And knowing that my STBXW was enjoying the life at the expense of me and kids hurt.

But I recently went to IC and I found that having resentment is going to hurt me. I've two choice which will make me happy and relaxed, either to forgive or accept what has happened and move forward with my life.

Knowing other choices are going to be harmful to me, I've decided not to brood over what has happened. That brooding has to be done by WS not by me. I did my best to make our marriage a happy relation. If one want to seek more by going outside the marriage, then it's their problem not mine.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> I showed my H a few comments in my post, especially from cj9947 & allwillbewell...
> He really took it in and said 'very good responses, that does make a lot of sence'
> He held me in his arms, kissed my forehead and told me how much he loves me, how sorry he was for not even thinking of that reason of why I revisit the past'. He said that it makes him scared to talk about what happened cause he fears me hating him more and fears me leaving him, he said he fears everyday I will leave him and feels like he is just waiting for the day for me to say 'I've had enough, it's over'. He suggested that maybe we choose a weekly time and day so I can prepare random questions that pop into my head and bother me, and he is prepared to answer them honestly provided we stay calm and are able to talk through things without fighting afterwards. He also said, most times when talk about the affair and when I'm upset or distant, he wants to comfort me but he feels like I don't want his love right then and fears me rejecting him...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a very positive step : - )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

To the OP, you are not are not alone here. I think all BS's do this to some extent, perhaps more so if you were caught unaware by the affair.

I have Text messages going back 3 years, yahoo messenger logs going back 3 years, emails which are only a few here and there, and a few lengthy Facebook messages. There is enough in there to line up important days, trips, fun activities that were going on in the life I knew about versus the days and nights she was with her lovers.

I don't review it as often as I used to (13 months post DD), but even this morning a particular moment in time occurred to me on the drive to work, and I was going to check it against the info I have. Not sure why, I have read that evil garbage so many times I feel like I could quote the whole thing. But something about typing this, I have forgotten what it was now. So know that if nothing else, trying to tell you that you are not alone has at least done some good in this world.

Our POS MC told me to throw all of this stuff out along with the physical items I had found in our house (cards, letters, lingerie, dildo's, drop phone, etc). She said it would poison any chance we had at a recovery. Mean while my WW was lying to the both of us session after session. So I chose to go with my gut over our former MC.

My point is, I keep it to remind myself that the reality of my life from Fall of 2009 until summer of 2012, the life that I remember, was the fantasy. It was real for my part but it was not the truth of my life. I keep it to make my WW toe the line and be truthful with me. Every time I hear her minimize, every time I hear her omit something when we are talking through the affair, I use her own words to put reality back on track.

In time I may chose to look at it less and less, but for now it is the truth of the most painful experience in my life, and I keep it to remind myself exactly what she is capable of. I will always love my wife, but I will never love or trust her that much again.

I wish you peace and strength.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I was too obsessed with looking into the chat and email content. And knowing that my STBXW was enjoying the life at the expense of me and kids hurt.
> 
> Knowing other choices are going to be harmful to me, I've decided not to brood over what has happened. That brooding has to be done by WS not by me. I did my best to make our marriage a happy relation. If one want to seek more by going outside the marriage, then it's their problem not mine.


ab. so. lutely. :iagree:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> This is what I did too joe. I didn't have any messages or emails to look at but I had phone logs. Some days I sat there all day just working out where and when calls were made and Txts were sent. I was becoming obsessed! So they had to go. All paper evidence shredded. He changed his mobile number and we cancelled the other online account. I don't regret it for a second. There comes a time when it just has to stop. It'll just drive you crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only thing I was doing was hurting myself. I wasn't gaining anything. I will say it took a long time for me to let them go.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> The only thing I was doing was hurting myself. I wasn't gaining anything. I will say it took a long time for me to let them go.


yes, i will say the same thing. i finally just deleted them.
although, i do wish sometimes that when i discovered they were STILL emailing each other in april and may of last year (i found the secret email address in june) that i had taken a few minutes to calm myself and forward those emails to myself. i didnt have a chance to really read them. when i found the email account and hacked into it, i quickly scanned a couple of them and basically went through the roof. at that point i was so p!ssed that i tossed my wofes laptop to her and told her i didnt want anything more to do with her or their emails. she (of course) deleted them within a couple minutes. kinda wish i had taken the time to really read them. but then again, there wasnt anything good in there, and it would have given my already fvcked up head even more ammo.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> I DON'T GIVE A * HOW IT MAKES ME LOOK...
> And I will NEVER delete the msg's as I am not ready to
> And, if he doesn't love me cause I'm not over the past or 'obsessing' about what happened, then he is free to go!
> AND, I don't beat him over the head with it 'every day'. I don't know if I will ever forgive him for what he did and he knows this but I do know that we are both trying to get through this the best we can. Some days I think we will be ok, other days I don't, whatever happens happens, but I'm definitely not going to act a certain way just so he stays...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I kept -and forgot about- an evidence letter for close to thirty years.

When I rediscovered it and read it again during another rough patch, all the old feelings came flooding me back, only intensified by the lack of closure. This was the beginning of the end for the marriage.

My WW destroyed the letter eventually, but by then, I had it committed to my memory as if branded by a red-hot iron.

When you become satisfied with the R, destroy the evidence. Until then, hang on to it.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Still Hurting, that is great news and a good plan to limit ?s to one day a week. It sounds like your WH may finally be coming around to understand the impact of his choices. (If you haven't already read it, get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass where she elaborates on the danger of trickle truths, rugsweeping, and not telling the whole story of the A to BS.)
I must tell you that I decided early on not to tell a soul about H's A, except our MC, in order to save our children the pain, humiliation and loss of respect for their father in the event of a successful reconciliation...I have to admit, I couldn't face the public humiliation either! I often thought how H did not have to suffer the public consequences of his A and I have felt so very isolated and even crazy at times in trying to deal with this trauma by myself. Plus, I had the OW continue to try to contact my H for 18 months after NC! But to read that you showed your H my post, and he had a positive reaction towards it and it may help your situation makes me feel SO good! Thank you for sharing that with us. Hang in there! In my case, as time went by, and I learned to control my emotions when truths trickled out, my husband has been more willing to talk about his affair...He related exactly the same reasons for not wanting to talk about A as yours! Just yesterday, nearly 20 months since Dday, I got up the courage to tell him I was triggering and feeling angry and used, and he asked me if I was so angry that I wanted to leave? So you see, WSs who are serious about R do have fears and trust issues too...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I had about 150 pages of email conversations and pictures from my W EA. I finally deleted them because I knew I wouldn't be able to move on if I kept reading them.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

As terrible as this sounds, I wish I had the material you found because it's right there, no ifs ands or buts about it. I would give anything to have seen the texts, emails, calendar, notes and hear the content of the phone calls made between my H and his 8 year secret 'just friends'. I found only phone bills with dates, times and number. As a result he insists that they were just friends and all I can prove is that he made phone calls to someone in secret. She corroborates that "nothing happened". I went over the phone bills over and over almost daily, weekly monthly for a year just trying to piece the story together. I feel it's good to know exactly what the score is. I feel their union is "spiritually protected", if there is such a thing, because I can't get the proof I need to end ours.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

@ allwillbewell; I can't imagine how much strength that would have taken to not expose your WH...? I literally told the world, via Facebook, his work, everyone, well everyone except the OW's fiancé... (I was lead to believe if I did inform him of their affair that he was a psycho and me and my family, especially our kids could be in danger... And I thought, a lot of people knew and eventually he would hear along the grape vine)
My husband copped so much embarrassment and shame... We had been together for 13 years but never married. After we reconciled, about 6 months later, he asked me to marry him. He wanted to prove his love and devotion to me, our family & friends and to the world... I do believe he is truly remorseful and loves me, yet, somedays I get clouded and test our relationship (maybe push him too far) but it's just my way to really prove to me that he is still devoted and that he does truly love me...

Recovery is SO hard, I don't know that anyone can say what's the right way or wrong way, it's just an individual matter?
All I know is, I am glade that I have most of the evidence so I don't have to imagine 'my version of the truth', I'm hoping in time that I don't want or feel the need to keep all the evidence, but for now I guess it's my security blanket...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillLife (Jan 19, 2013)

RWB said:


> We all do it. I think I was trying to see inside this imposter that had been lying to me for years. Basically, who are you? I matched dates too. Did you check your B'day or Anniversary? It hurts to think someone you had been married to for 25 years would send you a "Happy b'day, I love you." and 10 minutes later start a conversation with their secret lover.
> 
> Have you done the picture thing? Since all digital photos are internally dated, you get to look at WW in context of their cheating. In my wife's case, it was very apparent that she was trying very hard to look as young and sexy as possible.


Some of that is what messes me up. Finding out my wife sent this guy a sexy picture on Christmas eve while I was out in the living room wrapping presents for everyone and thought she was doing the same. Or realizing during her first affair that at the exact same time she was denying, via an email conversation while I was at work, that she had ever done anything inappropriate and that I was controlling and being paranoid and crazy, she was chatting with the guy about me. Had probably just had a cybersex session with him before responding to me. It's like, where is your f'ing soul?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

@ RWB & StillLife; exactly what happened to me. My WH was sexting her all day on my bday and telling her how he wanted to sneak off over the weekend to meet up with her, he was going to tell me he had to work... Then later that night when he got home from work LATE cause he was texting n talking to her for hours he hands me a card n present and in my bday card declares his love for me and states that he wants to marry me...?!?!????? Yep, still not over that, as well as many many many other significant lies on significant days.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I felt the same way about betrayals on significant days as well. Graphic texts between DW and OM on her birthday, shortly before I took her and our son out to eat. I asked "How could you act so normal at dinner after writing those things?" Sex with OM a couple days before our 11 year anniversary, etc. 

As painful as it is, I don't think many DSs think at all about the significance of the date/event as it relates to the loyal spouse. While that seems bad- the _thoughtlessness_ of it- it would be worse if they consciously sh!t on a special occasion to wound their LS. I'm sure some DSs do that, but most of them probably find any event, either major or mundane, to be a simple speed bump in their interactions with the affair partner. If they sext during a life event, they're likely just happening to be getting their fix at that time. It is almost as if many DS have a partition between the 'reality' part of their brain and fantasy-la-la-affair land. In my DW's case she simply didn't allow fantasy OM land to overlap with reality- they were separate. Realizing this helped me not feel so wounded by the 'dates'.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, I don't want to open wounds, but I disagree. I believe it is a thrill seeking event when they do it on specific or special days. They remember to point out when you forget those special days, even when they are cheating. So they know, even in the fog, the significance.


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