# need some advice



## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

I have been reviewing some of the other threads, and there are some that are similar to my problem. I am going to be married 5 years this year, but that may be coming to an end fast. I always thought I was a good husband, and according to my wife I was, but I also had a major problem. I always wanted to have sex with her, or to do something sexual. As I am typing this, I know it was not normal. I have never cheated on her. I have never hit her. What happened is that she pulled away, and we have not been close since. We have not been intimate for almost 8 months now, and we do not kiss or hug. I love her with all of my heart, but she says that she only loves me as a friend. She says that she has forgiven me, for my past actions. She has also been seeing a counseller for the past 6 months. I saw a counceller as well, but she said that she could not really help me, as it was more a marriage counseller thing. My wife said she needed time and space.... but that has not worked. I have now just made appts to see a marriage counseller, and she said that she would go see her. we have 3 wonderful children togethor.

When we talked 8 months ago, she said that she didn't know if our marriage would last. I guess I took our marriage for granted, and relied on a lot of hoping and praying to get us through this. But she recently started talking more about seperation. I still strongly belive in my heart that we are meant to be togethor, as alot of reltionships would have ended alot sooner, and over alot less. 

I apologize for going all over the place there... still kinda all out there.
Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

What has your wife said to you about her counseling and her problems with the marriage. You seem to be speaking just about symptoms (She does not want to have sex, she is pulling away and wants to separate) and not speaking about why she is doing this. I am not sure we can help until more is known about the whys?


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## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

the problems that she has had with the marriage was that I was selfish... i was selfish in regards to not hearing about her needs.. just mine. When she wanted to cuddle, i tried for sex. When we were watching a movie, I would try to get a hand job... that kind of thing. I was also selfish with my time. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have. Also my wife had some things done to her in the past...which my not listening to her feeling/wishes brought up. Something happened to her a as a kid, and something happened to her as a teenager.

Sex has always been a struggle in our relationship. It was not something that happened with any frequency. For our entire relationship, it had been a struggle. She used to always say that it would get better. She used to say that she never had these problems with anyone else, but nobody else wanted to have sex with her so much. She was used to dating older men, and they didnt try it as much with her. And of course, I always tried, as I had associated love and sex. For me to show her I loved her, I had to have sex with her... that was how I thought.

i just recently came to the realization that I was a sex addict. I knew I had a high sex drive, but I didn't realize just what was wrong with me. I saw a specialist last week, and let's just say it has been an eye opener. The problem is, it took me so long too realize what was going on.... and now my wife loves me as a friend and not as a husband. For years, I didn't see the signs she was giving me. She asked me to do certain things, like just cuddling... and I always tried for sex, or some type of sexual action. I could not see what I was doing wrong. I do know now though. But with her going through that for so long, the love for me as a husband has disapeared. She wishes that she could just wake up one day to love me again, but there still is too much pain, and anger. I am currently taking therapy, and am now going to group sessions, to over come my addiction. Now I just have to hope and pray that she can forgive me, and that she will give me another chance.

also, she also felt as if i treated her as a sex object rather than a person, which is why she didn't want to have sex.....

She is the one that says that the only chance that we have is if we have a trial seperation. Like I mentioned before...(I think), that is now in less than 3 months.... at the end of june. She says she needs space to figure things out. I am doing whatever I can to not make it get that far. She is now going to go to her mom's for a week while I take a week of holidays to watch the kids. I had suggested she do that, seeing as she needed time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to give someone space... or does anyone else have any ideas? I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and I love my family. any ideas?

Each day is a struggle with anxiety attacks coming more often. Work is a struggle, as I can't focus. I just want to be at my house with my family.... as it may not be there much longer. 

Please help!


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