# Question For Fathers...



## YinPrincess

Honestly: How much interest did you take in your wives' pregnancies?

My husband shows very little interest in my pregnancy... Doesn't seem to want to read books I've bought him (specifically for Dads-To-Be; yet he reads books on just about everything else on a regular basis - he's a total bookworm). He doesn't ask me if I can feel the baby kicking, (I'm 5 months now), what we want to name it, doesn't rub my belly or talk to the baby, doesn't talk about his future as a father, seems kind of short and simple when I bring it up, trying to evoke sentimentality from him, etc. He pretty much acts like the pregnancy doesn't exist and it really hurts my feelings.

I know it has been very difficult for him, as we never planned to be parents, and he is stressed about our financial situation, where we will live... and the impending "deadline" to get things done before baby comes, but is this normal??

I hate comparing, but I feel so envious of women who's husbands are excited about, talk about, are interested and engaged in the pregnancy. About all my husband does is come with me to appointments, (which I am very grateful for), but he doesn't ask questions or just.show.interest. He seems bored at them. I feel so alone in this. I know that other women have had to deal with worse, so I feel bad for complaining... But sometimes I think being pregnant has alienated me...


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## Waits4Mr.Right

Sounds like he's scared to death. Is it his first child?
After the baby comes, hopefully he'll relax...
BTW Congrates!


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## tacoma

The only thing I noticed during my wife's pregnancy was how hot she looked pregnant and how her hormonal changes turned her into a sex fiend.

Beyond that I really wasn't into her pregnancy from a " we're having a baby!" perspective until I had my daughter in my hands.

That's when being a dad kicked in for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

Waits4Mr.Right said:


> Sounds like he's scared to death. Is it his first child?
> After the baby comes, hopefully he'll relax...
> BTW Congrates!


Yes, this baby will be a first for both of us. I'm scared to death, too! I never wanted to be a mom; I can't see myself as a mom, and the thought of all the time and attention children need really bothers me. (I'm kind of a person who needs a lot of space and I often feel drained after spending time with people, even people I love)!

I know he will be a good dad, I've never doubted that for a second, and oftentimes I worry that I will be in competition for his attention... Not a good mindset to have, I admit. (If I'm feeling neglected, even seeing him pet or play with our dogs hurts me, because I feel so invisible to him).

I've got through hell in this pregnancy so far, morning sickness that lasted for four months, uncontrollable pain (from auto accidents/fibro and now pregnancy), and he really just seems annoyed when all I want is for him to just listen and be there for me, be affectionate and concerned...

I know I've done a lot of complaining, and I'm working on not complaining so much because I think it overwhelms him, or makes him feel helpless... I wish I didn't have to guess at what he's feeling, but he shares very little with me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

tacoma said:


> The only thing I noticed during my wife's pregnancy was how hot she looked pregnant and how her hormonal changes turned her into a sex fiend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This made me smile. I don't know if he thinks I look 'hot' pregnant, or if he appreciates the surges in sexual energy because he's been really hot/cold. It's confusing as heck to me! I sometimes wonder if the pregnancy turns him off... I was fairly slim/fit and now I look like a Buddha in training... LoL Needless to say I've become quite self-conscious without any kind of feedback from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waits4Mr.Right

Sounds like a tough situation...He doesn't sound like he's there for you emotionally. He can probably bearly see and process himself through his own feelings,and trying to deal with your too is just too much right now.
Take a deep breath and try to have some patience. He'll come around.
Unfortunantly, this wasn't uncommon for me either. The father had no interest in me sexually through my pregnancy. He said he felt weird about it....We started having sex again after the baby.


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## YinPrincess

Thank you for this. I sometimes forget that he does have his own emotions to process, in addition to mine. I wish he would just share his thoughts with me instead of internalizing them... But yes, I can be more patient. I can easily become overwhelmed with his lack of interest and become emotional - scaring him off even more. Sometimes when I do he makes comments like, he doesn't know if it's the cysts in my brain, or the hormones from pregnancy that 'make' me that way... And I think he entirely misses the point that I really need him right now! 

Btw thank you for the congrats. I am getting to the point where I am having more excitement and anticipation than fear and anxiety! It's going to be something completely and totally foreign in my life, so I'm curious and contemplative about it! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waits4Mr.Right

I kind of felt let down when my Ex wasn't there for me when I needed him most, so I totally know how you feel.
Once the baby gets closer to being born, I think he'll be more available to you. Once the baby has actually arrived, he'll be excited...Babies tend to do that. 
It sucks now but try to talk more baby talk around friends and family and maybe wait untill he brings it up? Maybe wait for him to come to you instead, so he doesn't feel like it's being "pushed in his face?" I know that that's not what your doing but maybe he feels pressured...
Just know it'll get better. He's freeked


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## Shaggy

YinPrincess said:


> This made me smile. I don't know if he thinks I look 'hot' pregnant, or if he appreciates the surges in sexual energy because he's been really hot/cold. It's confusing as heck to me! I sometimes wonder if the pregnancy turns him off... I was fairly slim/fit and now I look like a Buddha in training... LoL Needless to say I've become quite self-conscious without any kind of feedback from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A pregnant woman can be a little scary to a guy if he over thinks it. A good cure for that is for the woman to help move the blood flow from his brain to another region. He'll be able to think a little less, and everyone will be happier and open to some nice relaxing fun.


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## joe kidd

I wasn't very involved with her last one. We were drifting apart and things were bad. In fact now that I look back I was awful. After my son was born I stayed about 45 min and went home. Left her alone in the hospital.


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## SimplyAmorous

My husband is a fantastic dad, but I can't say he read anything (he hates reading anyway), he never really talked to the baby in my belly, I likely grabbed his hand to feel the kicks-but he always smiled, he would go to the sonograms with me. I can't say he talked about the future or anything- but he sure listened to me go on about whatever baby stuff I was learning or planning, he shopped with me, all of that, it almost was more about ME and my needs. 

My husband was also taking advantage of the sudden sex drive increase with each of my pregnancies, biggest ++ of those time frames - in his mind. 

He was always very loving and involved "enough" for me to never question his devotion to any of the kids, but no, he was not a talkative well spring of enthusiam by any means -while I was pregnant. Until he held each new baby in his arms, I don't think he thought too much about them accually- the connection being more AFTER the births. 

Likely the norm for guys.


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## omega

YinPrincess said:


> I am getting to the point where I am having more excitement and anticipation than fear and anxiety! It's going to be something completely and totally foreign in my life, so I'm curious and contemplative about it!


I'm so happy to read this Yin! {{HUG}}

I think you're on the right track with reminding yourself that while he doesn't EXPRESS his feelings, they're still there - and while you have to guess what they are, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel them. Remember that it was only a few months ago that he was making a vasectomy appointment. He had accepted a life without children / without becoming a father. Now he has a great deal of internal working to do to "switch over". Everything he thought he knew about his life has just changed completely! This is a big deal. If there are financial concerns, even if he doesn't talk about it, this can be a major source of stress for a man - he may be very concerned about supporting a family of three - especially if the baby needs special care for whatever reason (whether that's genius piano lessons or a gluten-free diet or whatever - the thing with babies is you just never know! One of my closest friends is going through her baby being both gluten- and dairy- intolerant - the kid can barely eat anything affordable!). Granted, only women really worry about specifics like those - but it's certainly possible that he has a "financial obligation" cloud over his head. He may be worried about his own ability to be a good father. Does he have younger siblings? If not, and if he never had much contact with newborns or babies, he may be afraid that he won't know how to take care of the baby. (So then you'd say, why doesn't he want to read the books? I can't answer that - I'm just thinking out loud here!)

This is a man who is in a marriage that has a few issues already. He has addiction issues, communication issues, etc. Conventional wisdom says that bringing a baby into a marriage makes the problems into bigger problems - so he may be sensing that whatever problems you guys have are about to erupt into REALLY BIG problems. 

It's also possible that he really is confused about some potential small changes that YOU are going through - whether they are from your having to deal with the marital issues, you dealing with the pregnancy and the health problems that came with it, actual hormonal changes, or those cysts, or something else - even minor such things can affect our husbands more than we realize. Just today I was a complete and total wreck and crying for the half hour before my period started (not extremely rare for me) and of course as soon as my period started, I was all sunshine and rainbows again, but he's not - he's still sad and confused about it. I tried telling him "but it was just hormonal, I'm fine now, can you be fine now please??" but he can't, because for him it wasn't just hormonal. So now I'm fine and he's pouty. And it was just a minor bout of PMS, not even pregnancy hormones!

I'm not saying to cut him too big of a break. I actually don't think you should. I think his responsibilities to you are far greater than whatever his personal problems are. But it can help YOU to understand what the heck is going on in your house. Not that that excuses him, 'cause honestly I don't think he should be getting any more freebies from you. You're doing great, it's been quite a 5 months, but you're half-way there, and I am so glad you're starting to get excited about the baby!!!!


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## ryansdad

I took a lot of interest and was very excited during our pregnancy. We only have 1 son who is now 2 and we waited a while as he was due right at our 10 year anniversary. I went to every ob appt and every sonogram as well. I was more anxious than she was and had all the strange food cravings as well. The main thing for her was she was tired a lot and when she was awake, she had a super high sex drive which was good 4 me. I'm normally very confident and am not really afraid or nervous, but the day my son was born, she was laughing because my hands were shaking trying 2 get all the pics with our phones and the camera. I guess cause I knew I had no control over making sure everything would be o.k. The good thing is he was breach, so she had a c-section and we went back at 1 and I was holding my son at 1:35!


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## LongTallStewie

It's quite difficult for us because we can't feel what you are going through. We can't feel the hormones, the kicks, the mood swings and the cravings. We get all that information 2nd hand so we really don't feel pregnant. Guys have a hard enough time trying to process emotions, I think he's just been given all this information and doesn't know how he feels about it so he's a bit scared.

In saying that, with my first I read up on everything. Now I'm on my third it's old hat. In fact I am feeling very left out of this one because she's not involving me as much. But I can't wait to hold he or she in 5 weeks time.


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## RandomDude

Interest? I was stressed outta my brain and couldn't sleep, only thing that made me sleep was telling myself I will not wake up the next morning... yet I woke up everytime to the living nightmare. I went out, escaping from civilisation and when I felt I was alone I yelled and cursed and shouted and screamed. Then after that, I proceeded to drown myself in booze every night.

The nightmare only stopped once I finally saw my daughter... and everything changed, including me. The nightmare became a dream that I simply didn't believe was real to the point I was struggling to hold back my joy and tears.


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## nice777guy

LongTallStewie said:


> It's quite difficult for us because we can't feel what you are going through. We can't feel the hormones, the kicks, the mood swings and the cravings. We get all that information 2nd hand so we really don't feel pregnant. Guys have a hard enough time trying to process emotions, I think he's just been given all this information and doesn't know how he feels about it so he's a bit scared.
> 
> In saying that, with my first I read up on everything. Now I'm on my third it's old hat. In fact I am feeling very left out of this one because she's not involving me as much. But I can't wait to hold he or she in 5 weeks time.


I was more than a bit scared during my wife's first pregnancy. I'd never changed a diaper and it seemed the only thing I knew how to do with a baby was make them cry.

I did a little bit of reading (skimming) - but compared to the real thing, books always seemed almost superficial.

We took a parenting / birthing class together - and that helped me out tremendously. 

Once our first child actually arrived - I was fully on board - knee deep in diapers - and have loved every minute of being a parent.

Plus - we feel kind of like helpless spectators during the pregnancy. Yes - we can do little things - but we can't really carry the burden or take it over somehow. 

Have some patience - I'm guessing he'll come around...


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## frustr8dhubby

I was as involved as I could be during her pregnancy. I would lay on the bed and talk to her belly or ask to feel the kicks. I didn't read any of the books myself but she would read some of it to me.

However, I was excited to be a dad and have been around children/baby sat a log growing up so I wasn't particularly "scared" of having children.'

Turns out I was a better diaper changer and swaddler than she was!


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## Marcis74

involved? I was involved from day one. Never missed an appointment, used to do the tea and two pieces of toast every morning for my wife before she went to work so her morning sickness was under control. 

Had the route to the hospital worked out in advance. 

I did have one moment when I did forget to pick my wife up and she had a melt down. I will never forget the look of horror on her face. 

However I have a friend who is now facing divorce and he did exactly what you described. I would be organising a support person for the hospital just in case because my friend was a no show and his wife never forgave him.


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## anotherguy

Yin...

First of all, congratulations. 

It must be terribly scary for both of you. First off, try to breathe and relax. I know, impossible right?

We 'tried' to have kids and we were both nervous. Getting that as a surprise, as many do, throws an entirely different light on it I am sure! Little personal dramas of blame and guilt and fear and whatever could be running through (both) your heads. Try to comfort each other, and rest assured that you are not the first ones to have a baby...though I bet sometimes it feels that way.

I agree he may be detached and scared - but you also have quite a bit to worry about, wouldnt you say??! It will all work out. Really. Try to relax a bit..find some time to sit on the couch and just sit there with your eyes closed relax. Your body needs to that too (I am big believer in this). Maybe keep one of those baby journal things - it will give your brain a place to focus and a place to record what you are going through.. it cn seem like a blur later. My wife got a couple of books like 'what to expect when your expecting' which she seemed to like and it helped her with some of the uncertainty of everything. We kept it in the bathroom and I found myself reading it too and it helped me understand what she was dealing with on a month by month basis.

Amazon.com: What to Expect When You're Expecting, 4th Edition (9780761148579): Heidi Murkoff, Sharon Mazel: Books

Try not to be jealous of the 'supportive' hubbys. All you both can do is your best. Encourage him to keep going to your appts when possible, and let him know it is reassuring that he is there - not because you are needy (even if you are!) but because he will be glad he did later. Dont be afraid, go yourself when needed too - and report back to him, I have little doubt he is interested. Talk to your mom/sister/friend...someone who has been through it. Let it out, and enjoy it. This is a once-in-a-lifetime time for each of us. Go buy a pair of those little booties or something - its fun - but seriously dont sweat the 'do I have everything ready' too much and dont overdo it. You are just nesting and thats normal. Get some music in babys roomm - some lullaby stuff. You will have everything you need, your body and brain will be a crazy house for a while and all is as it should be. Your baby will be beautiful and both of you will change and adjust. Be positive, relax, breathe, be yourself and try to enjoy it - which isnt always easy when you are sometimes laughing and crying at the same time.


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## YinPrincess

Thank you all so much for your honest reassurances. He may feel like a spectator, but I feel pretty well abandoned at times!

The bit about the morning sickness... It was the worst. He'd just roll his eyes when I told him I felt ill, and I'd practically have to beg him to bring me a drink or something in bed before I got up. He called me "helpless" more than once. I hated him for it.

Now he's becoming a little more comfortable talking about things, and I find him thumbing through a book every now and again. I bought him "The Gift of Fatherhood" by Dr. Aaron Hass. He seems to favor it over the pregnancy books.

Nesting urge is pure torture at the moment. If I could show you where we live, it is nowhere near suitable for a baby, with literally no room to put a baby, either. We literally live in a remodeled shed - at 450 sq. feet, WE don't even have room to breathe here. (Can someone say SPACE?) Worst of all, I'm the only one packing the house, and we haven't found a place to move yet.  I am very stressed, but I guess things will happen the way they're meant to be. Just like our baby. 

It has been wonderful reading all of your candid replies. And yes, I am still envious of the "involved" husband, but I love mine, and I do know he's trying. Just have to be patient with him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy

When we had our 2nd baby, the place we ordered furniture went out of business shortly before we were supposed to get it delivered. No furniture just an empty room.

The point is,we got a small, cheap, bassinet and a little changing pad and stacked stuff on the floor until we could fix all that. The little one, of course, was totally, blisfully, unaffected by any of it. We didnt stress out because it was our second and we knew it didnt matter at that point. When they are swaddled and sleeping, they take up no more space than a loaf of bread If you can find a rocking chair somewhere that is a good thing to have too - I bet you can find a used one (from some former mother) cheap.


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## rogergrant

When my wife was pregnant with our first son, I didn't do any of these things. I never read books on parenting, and frankly, I've never been able to shake the idea that talking to the pregnant belly is a little silly. I did come the OB appointments when I could make it (most of the time). The pregnancy was just sort of there. Ultimately, my son was born after a hard labor. The second I held him, everything changed. I think fatherhood largely starts for men when the baby is born.

I know that there are a few fathers that did all of these things, but it has honestly been the exception. I do think it's often the thing that wives want the husband to do. I just think that the genders tend to approach it a little differently. Of course, there are certainly no hard or fast rules.


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## TheMizz...erable

I was very excited when my wife was pregnant. Talked to the baby, touched, kissed. Excited to feel the movement. Worried when we didn't feel any movement for a couple of days. One of the best things I've ever experienced.


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## Bobby5000

Whatever my faults, most people would call me a devoted dad. We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary and have raised 3 kids. I could not answer yes to many of these questions, and here are my answers.. 

Honestly: How much interest did you take in your wives' pregnancies? Reasonably interested. 

My husband shows very little interest in my pregnancy... 

Doesn't seem to want to read books I've bought him (specifically for Dads-To-Be; yet he reads books on just about everything else on a regular basis - he's a total bookworm). 
I don't remember reading a whole lot of books. 

He doesn't ask me if I can feel the baby kicking, Did not ask about the kicking thing. My wife seem to know what she was doing. Tried to be supportive, but I felt no need to inquire. 

(I'm 5 months now), what we want to name it, doesn't rub my belly or talk to the baby, I never did that either. Rubbing the baby seemed weird and I don't remember talking either. 

doesn't talk about his future as a father, this I did. I thought about my role as a dad. 

seems kind of short and simple when I bring it up, trying to evoke sentimentality from him, etc. He pretty much acts like the pregnancy doesn't exist and it really hurts my feelings.
I tried to be concerned and loving, but had little desire to get into the actual mechanics of this stuff. 

I know it has been very difficult for him, as we never planned to be parents, and he is stressed about our financial situation, 
I did too. As a dad, you feel it's your responsibility to support everyone and the blame falls on you if it doesn't get done. Try to be loving and supportive to him on this issue, 

where we will live... and the impending "deadline" to get things done before baby comes, but is this normal?? Women tend to be more involved with this. 

I hate comparing, but I feel so envious of women who's husbands are excited about, talk about, are interested and engaged in the pregnancy. 

About all my husband does is come with me to appointments, (which I am very grateful for), but he doesn't ask questions or just.show.interest. 

He seems bored at them. I feel so alone in this. I know that other women have had to deal with worse, so I feel bad for complaining... But sometimes I think being pregnant has alienated me...[/QUOTE]

Try to tell him how you feel without criticizing him and do tell him you love him.


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