# It's never enough



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I have been married for 17 1/2 years. My marriage has been in stasis/limbo for at least 10 years. I have attempted to distract myself with positive things like building my clinic, exercise, marital arts, and learning. My oath and commitment before God to this marriage and our children are the only things keeping me from divorcing this woman today. She does not share my belief in God, nor any belief that I share for that matter. She feels that I am "rigid", her word not mine. I am an attractive inteligent man who will be 40 in a few months, and I am contemplating the merits of spending the next forty years of my life with this hateful and frigid "my word" woman. She doesn't smile when I enter a room, seldom has anything pleasant to say to me, and generally avoids my company so she can endlessly facebook or chat on the pnone. She never initiates sex, and doesn't even hold hands with me or touch me. Emotionally I know she has commited adultery and perhaps even physically, as there have been alegations by a neighbors ex-wife. I am tired of venting my anger on kickbags and in sparring rings. I want more from my life than excellent fighting skills, lonely evenings, and an opportunity to work tirelessly for a woman who is indifferent at best, hateful at worst. Any thoughts...


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Sure, divorce her...

Preacher


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

That's the answer I am looking to avoid. Although "what to do" seems rather obvious to me as well. My relationship is "poisoning" all aspects of my life. I feel angry as I have done nothing wrong. I am finding it difficult to sleep at night, and I am seriously distracted through the course of the day. I find that my trust for her has waned, and I find myself wondering where she is during the course of the day. I know she is just going through some sort of "mid-wife/life crisis", but how long is too long to wait for change. I have gave her an ultimatum to "make a decision", but she has differed it back to me as she knows I can't "pull the trigger" on this divorce. I believe marriage is for life, but she refuses to see clergy.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, I think I have had my epiphany. My mistake is I am looking to someone else for validation, respect, and love, and being bitter when they don't provide the very thing that they are looking for as well for themselves. When we fight, I hear everything she says and reply uh huh, just insert your name there and that's true for you too. I think I will work on expanding my social circles and being less dependent on my wife for my emotional needs. This is really what I resent about her as that I don't feel "needed" as she has many more friends and activities than I do. This is partially because she is a stay at home mom with more disposable time, but it is also because she is a more pleasant person than I am. Life, decision, and circumstance have afforded her that opportunity. Ironically, what she resents about me is that she feels her life lacks the purpose and respect afforded a professional. I also suspect she feels vulnerable, as she has little in the way or marketable skills . Her reward now that I have been practicing for a decade or so, is that it consumes a lot of my time with multiple clinics. I think she thought we'd also make more money than what we do, although we do less together now than when I was an enlisted man in the service making 4 figures rather than 6. If nothing else, this site has been very cathartic. It has given me a forum to think out what is bothering me. If I divorce her, I will not have changed any of the real underlying problems in either of our lives. Instead, I think I will make it my mission to smile more each day, thank God for the gifts he has given me, and seek something more artistic and soft to balance out the hours I spend training to fight. I guess I am slow for my profession. I have diverted my energies between healing and hurting as my major pursuits, because I wrongly felt that this provided balance. I was wrong. It suggests confusion. I think tomorrow I will simply focus on living and loving.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline,

You are right that you can't expect someone else to fill your emotional cup. I am assuming, over 10 years, that you've had this discussion that you were unhappy with the relationship?? Are you both willing to try to work on this?

You are also right that if you divorce her you will not have changed any of the real underlying problems in either of your lives. The fact is, she may never change any of the underlying problems in her life. It's up to her. Only you can do that changing for yourself...


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

have you tried individual counseling and or along with couples counseling?


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

We went once through our church about two years ago, and it initially made a huge difference. We both had a venue to tell the other what we really expected out of our relationship, and the exchange of information without "escalation" was effective. My wife unfortunately is not a direct person, and my powers of ESP had apparently been waning. So I adjusted the time I saw my last patient and came home. I eliminated any night time practice, and I tried to go to bed at the same time more or less than her, as these were her primary complaints. She well um...did little in return. The frequency we had sex improved marginally, but only if I initiated it to maybe 1-2 times per week, and that was that. No other adjustments, about contributing more at home. She was still always somewhere doing something that need not be done, like at the gym for friggin 3 1/2 hours. I train at least 4-5 days per week, plus practice so she says "that's what you do." Not really, I get up at 4:00 am, train from 5 or so to 7:30 and see my first patient at 8. I practice 3-4 times per week, but I go in the am and on Saturday and I don't have lunch, so my training effects her very little. She goes from 8-11:30, goes out to lunch, and returns in time to nap and be "there" when our kids get home. Not a bad day. She also frequently takes "get a ways" with her girl friends, because "staying at home is stressful. Well so is running two clinics. I don't take retreats. I may go to a conference every year or so, but that is work. At least for me it is. I don't play. The primary memory I have of our one session was that when asked, I stated divorce was not an option, she stated it was something she was seriously contemplating. My thought is that she is the one who put it on the table, and she is the one who has violated her vows. My friends have all told me they would "understand", were I to leave her as I have cause. I find I can't forgive someone who doesn't change, and it is effecting my life in negative ways even I can see. I am not looking to "hook up" with anybody other than my wife, but how much is enough? She is at the coast now, and I actually slept peacefully last night without her. It was refreshing. She is headed back east in a week or so, and I am thinking about taking a day off and meeting with a lawyer then to see about minimizing my vulnerability. I hate to see her have custody though, as she is unfit in my opinion to properly raise decent human beings. She is way to liberal and permissive. Ironically, this is what I enjoyed about her when I met her as a teenager in the service. She was fun and exciting, and could "bend" in the most interesting ways. For her, I was strong and stable, and "going somewhere." As I said it's ironic. This is now what I hate about her and what she despises in me. Oh well, living and learning.


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## veryconfused1212 (Aug 3, 2009)

Hi,

I hear your fustration! Living with someone whom dose not believe in God or permeates all aspects of your life with negativity is more than annoying. I got divorced over eight years ago, I got married at eighteen years old my ex husband and I fought alot not to mention the age difference. We got divorced without the courts involved. Now that we are divorced we can have decent conversations not quarrel, their is no hostility or negativity, I have my own career make my own money and do not depend on someone else to make me happy. I believe that same as you when it comes to God, I know that divorce is wrong so to speak, I however do not believe that we are to spend the rest of our lives making ourselves un-happy or someone else unhappy. I hope this advice is somewhat useful to you.

Post again 

Cheers

Jamie


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