# Empathy - Are there things one can do to gain or lose it?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Or is the amount of empathy one receives dependent upon the make up of the empathy giver. 

Also, what does empathy mean to you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you asking how do you get another person to give you more empathy? 

I don't think that empathy is given. Instead it’s something that a person feels and can intellectualize.

It's defined as: "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also: the capacity for this"

Are you looking for understanding? Or sympathy?

Could you give an example of a situation in which you are looking for something you are calling ‘empathy’. And with this example explain what you want the other person to do or say.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree with Ele.

More details are needed, but as I'm sure you're quite aware, some people are more naturally empathetic than others...

Empathy (to me) means that another person can _feel_ the emotions that *I* feel, even though they are not in the same circumstance, per say. There are many situations that I have not experienced in life, but my empathy for others often allows me to experience those things vicariously.

Unfortunately, empathy is not give/take. It does not matter how much you empathize with someone, that has very little, if any, baring on how much empathy they might express to you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hey YP, I'm with you honey! Empathy from another to me means the other party being prepared to first off listen, process, and respect your POV, without necessarily agreeing.

A total lack of empathy is apparently common with narcissistic p/d, I'm sure you know that already, being the queen of these things. Is your H not giving you air time and listening?

You're not alone!!! remember they are 2 peas in a pod. 

Sending you big hugs.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

They never listen... It's their greatest downfall, lol!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I like to think that it is something that one can cultivate in oneself over time. As one passes through life, gaining a wealth of experiences, it should, to anyone who reflects at all on their lives, become more possible to understand others' experiences because one has had or observed something similar oneself at some time in the past.

I like to think also that a 'cultured' life with exposure to literature (both fictional and non-fictional) and other arts can add to the ability to empathise. But then I may be deluding myself because I like these things anyway, like to think they might have some real benefits.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

An example would be if you're venting or confiding in someone. I have been in situations when that information has been used against me.

When I first moved to London to be with exH we shared a 4 BR flat with a friend of his and his wife as the friend's father was trying to sell it at the same time that all four of us were looking for something permanent.

I started to feel something funny about the wife and confided my concerns with my husband. When it became all too obvious that the wife despised me, my exH told me that the things I said about her to him made him feel the need to be even nicer to her. 

He never once gave an example of when I was rude to her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> An example would be if you're venting or confiding in someone. I have been in situations when that information has been used against me.
> 
> When I first moved to London to be with exH we shared a 4 BR flat with a friend of his and his wife as the friend's father was trying to sell it at the same time that all four of us were looking for something permanent.
> 
> ...



Thats not empathy, or lack thereof. You are confusing gossip with empathy. Your H disagreed with your concerns and his empathy went toward the friends wife. 

Empathy is not agreeing with someone's opinions, nor is it about agreeing at all. Empathy is understanding the feeling associated with opinions and or events.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Thats not empathy, or lack thereof. You are confusing gossip with empathy. Your H disagreed with your concerns and his empathy went toward the friends wife.
> 
> Empathy is not agreeing with someone's opinions, nor is it about agreeing at all. Empathy is understanding the feeling associated with opinions and or events.



Hmmm, well considering my situation, would you have handled it differently for a more favorable outcome for yourself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

To me it is being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand why they are feeling a certain way.

IMO it is something people either have or not, they cannot learn it or give it to you if they don't feel it.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

And extremely hard to live with someone who doesn't have it! 

,,,,like having a wall they can hide behind so they don't see your feelings,,,,a total refusal and negation of your right to be acknowledged / heard / understood.

We cope, or leave.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Empathy-Are there things one can do to gain or lose it? Or is the amount of empathy one receives dependent upon the make up of the empathy giver.
> 
> Also, what does empathy mean to you?



I think people can learn empathy. I can't imagine ever "losing" it though.

To empathize is to understand and identify with the feelings someone is experiencing. One gains empathy by living life and having experiences. 

Once one has walked a mile in their shoes one should be able to empathize.

For example, before I was a parent, I had a hard time empathizing with someone whose baby was wailing loudly on an airplane. Before I had health, relationship, job problems, I had a hard time empathizing with those experiencing suffering and rejection. I could sympathize with them (or pity them) but empathy is more than that.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Hmmm, well considering my situation, would you have handled it differently for a more favorable outcome for yourself.


Oh, good reply!

Not being sure what you said, it sounded as if you were kind of ranting about the things she says or does that bother you. If this is mostly correct, then it's important to understand that he can empathize without agreeing with you.

You said that you sensed this woman despised you and when you "vented" to your H whatever you said made him feel empathy toward her.

That suggests to me that he:
1 Didn't agree with your assessment.
2 Felt that you were off base in either your perception of events or rationale for feeling how you felt.
3. Sensed that however you felt or whatever you said, it had enough emotion behind it to cause him to think your feeling might make her feel badly and rather than conflict with you about what you see or don't see, how you interpret or don't interpret, he skipped all that and went to the end result, smoothing things out with this other woman to make the home more harmonious.

I'm not judging the merits of what you said or what he did. I am simply suggesting that his empathy went to the other woman because he didn't agree with you, which, from my experience, is typical male version of empathy. Between my H and my brothers... Not a one of them can do the girlfriend empathy thing.

You know, you say something like, "I think she hates me, she always looks at me funny, never smiles and I know she doesn't bring in the mail because she knows how much I hate to do it!" 

And the girlfriend empathy sounds likes this, "That sounds rough ...living like that! Don't you hate it when people can't even smile?"

I have never run into a man who would know what to say to sound empathetic in above conversation. Mostly, they remind silent if they don't agree with the situation or if they agree but don't want to join the "she hates me" confrontation.

I have, over the years, taught my H how to give the girlfriend empathy response. he is getting better, but still is pretty lousy and I much prefer to talk over things with girlfriends when I need empathy.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh, good reply!
> 
> Not being sure what you said, it sounded as if you were kind of ranting about the things she says or does that bother you. If this is mostly correct, then it's important to understand that he can empathize without agreeing with you.
> 
> ...


That's a good example. The man will typically offer a comment like, "Ignore her, Don't let it get to you." It's a solution that the woman isn't interested in.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

you can lose empathy by being in a long term situation that requires that you do not excercise it, in order to survive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Empathy, to me, is very important in a mate... even in friendships.... If I feel someone lacks this essential trait...(I see this as a part of our conscience, a part of our humanity)... I have less of a desire to open up with them about ANYTHING ...

There is a mental picture immediately drawn in my head...they are Cold, callous & just not someone you share feelings with or experiences - unless maybe for a laugh..it's all superficial. You know there is a threshold you can go with them. I hold possessing "empathy" high on the character scale.

If such a person can not place themselves in anothers shoes, or care to...but would rather sit & judge... let's face it ... this would be hell to be married to....and what good would be leaning on someone like this for advice if they can only see through there own lenses of life. 

I think some become NUMB to empathy, given their life experiences of hurt along the way, they numb themselves & in doing so- it takes a hit on those around them.......then on the other side of that scale....for some life has been almost too easy.....not much heartache at all...so they can't identify with struggle or the hardships of others.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can only be close to someone who can empathise with me..... that is, maybe not agree but understand. I have been in situations where I really believe that the person was supporting a view counter to mine.... not because they believed but simply because they wanted to play with me. Like my mother. now she says she knows very little about me....

In any case, I was wondering if there is something that you can do to encourage someone else to want to empathise with you..... perhaps be vulnerable, if so what are the specifics there.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

ooh that's a tough one....:scratchhead::scratchhead:

I think it's probably quite tricky to teach someone to empathize with you - if anyone knows, then do please share 

Communication skills.

Having spent so many countless hours being so utterly frustrated with my H for a total lack of empathy on numerous occasions, rather than continually try to get him to "understand" me, in a quiet way, in my own mind, I try to empathize with him without him realizing - not for his sake, but for my own sanity / peace of mind.

That also involves acceptance to a certain degree. We can't change anyone but ourselves. Like forgiving someone without them asking for it, or deserving it, we do it to bring peace to ourselves. ray:


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Is it necessary to verbalize when you empathize? A great many men are empathetic but don't necessarily verbalize it in the same way women do. That leads their women to believe that they aren't empathetic. Or is it all in the verbalization?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> I can only be close to someone who can empathise with me..... that is, maybe not agree but understand. I have been in situations where I really believe that the person was supporting a view counter to mine.... not because they believed but simply because they wanted to play with me. Like my mother. now she says she knows very little about me....
> 
> In any case, I was wondering if there is something that you can do to encourage someone else to want to empathise with you..... perhaps be vulnerable, if so what are the specifics there.


I read something in The Gifts of Imperfection that made me think about just this.

Firstly, there is a difference between empathy and agreeing with someone's point of view. You can try to empathasize if you don't agree with what they are saying. 

Secondly, you can look at it from their point of view and empathsize, but still not agree.

I think sometimes we assume that if they are empathasizing (putting themselves in our position) they will change their mind and agree with our point of view. Not always, but usually that is what happens.

I do think you can learn this skill. Stop. Listen. Remove the thoughts that say "I would have done A, B, C". Remove the thoughts that are judgemental, and look at just the bare action.

I practice doing this. And still learning. And I seek out more information when it seems foreign to me. I strive to understand their point of view. And most times, yes, I can see why they would choose to do what they do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

deejov said:


> I read something in The Gifts of Imperfection that made me think about just this.


One of the greatest books ever.... the key to finding ourselves, accepting ourselves, emotionally connecting.. whole hearted living...

 The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are


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