# I am getting so sick of my husband



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Granted we had a baby not that long ago but everything has become an argument lately. When we finally have some time together in the evening, everything turns into an argument. I feel like I see all the negative things I don't like about him coming out more recently because he is home too for now on leave. Any past issues we had that we have gotten past etc keep coming up to the surface. We were doing really great, so I thought, this past year and improving our marriage. Now I see the stuff I don't like (pessimism, 'debbie downer' attitude, doesn't speak up when its relevant but then complains about stuff later, doesn't know how to be social with my friends/family, etc). I know I shouldn't make any major decisions while just having had a baby but I feel so done with him! I feel like half of these problems wouldn't occur if he worked on his communication skills. He is a good father and is supportive in other ways but I can't stand the constant arguing recently. Help!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does the arguing start? Can you give us a bit of the starting dialogue from a recent one?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Example: Friend stopped by today for our toddlers to play, she brought gifts for our toddler, new baby and sweets. I had to take important phone call in other room for 20mins, I asked husband to stay in play room to keep an eye on our child. I came back, after awhile friend left. I asked husband if he talked to my friend at all, he said no not really, he tried to think of something to say but because he doesn't know her well he couldn't. He does this all the time and it takes a huge effort on his part to talk to people unless he knows them a LOT better. So I was annoyed here is my friend that brought us gifts and spending time with us and you can't make even some casual talk with her? He never can, at this point he needs to try much harder.

Another example: We are going on vacation later this year. Since booking the trip, he has only talked about the stressful part of it ($, travel time etc) and nothing positive. How about it's our family vacation and you don't need to be so down about everything!?!? And yes this is something he wanted to go on as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Example: Friend stopped by today for our toddlers to play, she brought gifts for our toddler, new baby and sweets. I had to take important phone call in other room for 20mins, I asked husband to stay in play room to keep an eye on our child. I came back, after awhile friend left. I asked husband if he talked to my friend at all, he said no not really, he tried to think of something to say but because he doesn't know her well he couldn't. He does this all the time and it takes a huge effort on his part to talk to people unless he knows them a LOT better. So I was annoyed here is my friend that brought us gifts and spending time with us and you can't make even some casual talk with her? He never can, at this point he needs to try much harder.


You left out the dialogue, but I assume that you told him that you were upset that he did not talk to her and this led to a fight.
You know what your husband it like. He has a problem talking to people he does not know. But you leave him with your guest and expect him to perform basically. He is how he is. To pick on him for being himself is abusive.
You picked a fight. If you are sick of fighting, why are you picking fights?


yellowstar said:


> Another example: We are going on vacation later this year. Since booking the trip, he has only talked about the stressful part of it ($, travel time etc) and nothing positive. How about it's our family vacation and you don't need to be so down about everything!?!? And yes this is something he wanted to go on as well.


Again you left out the dialogue… My assumption is that you says something negative and you respond in a manner that start a fight… basically attacking him for not being Pollyanna.

Yea him being negative is not easy to deal with . But you know he is. So don’t fight with him. Just say something in return like.. “It’ll be a great time.” And walk away.

Could you be suffering from postpartum depression? You might want to look into that.


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

Have you tried counseling?

Your husband definitely has some negative attributes, but frankly you seem to have a few yourself. Like in the first example you gave - you are annoyed at your husband because *he* doesn't know *your* best friend and finds conversations difficult with people he doesn't know well. 

You apparently already knew he had this issue, and yet you held it against him. That would be like me loaning you my truck, knowing that the gas gauge doesn't work but then being angry with *you* when it runs out of gas.

You see how little sense that makes.

How new is the new baby? One of the main things you're facing (which I think you already know considering you have a toddler) is that your hormones are going 417 different ways and that is wreaking havoc on your emotional and mental state.

And as a father of 3 I can tell you every time we had a new baby, we went through similar ordeals where my wife could see every negative aspect of me, didn't hesitate to tell me about it, and I was frankly a miserable complaining @$$.

Give it some time for your hormones to get back into order, and get into counseling. Your husband is not the only side of this equation.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I know you both are mostly right...ok probably completely right.

We both keep coming to each other randomly at times and say "Sorry I don't want to keep fighting anymore" or "I want to stop bickering".

So it's like we know we don't want to do this but we keep falling into traps. I'm sure some of it is sleep exhaustion, some of it is because there is not routine right now (especially since toddler doesn't have school for a few more weeks), some of it is just because we are with each other 24/7 now. At the same time, I don't want this time home as a family of four ruined by stupid arguments. Some of it is because now we have to deal with our family more too and in general that causes more stress for us overall (personally I think he doesn't try hard enough with my family). Normally these are concerns that are easier to deal with because they aren't in front of us all the time and it's easier to manage...but with new baby and us being home it's very 'in your face'.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have complete control over whether or not you ever engage in a fight again.

The way it works is when the two of you are talking, if one of you start to get upset, you stop talking. You both go off by yourself and calm yourself down. Only resume talking after you are both calmed down.

Come up with a safe word. I’ve used “STOP”. When things started to get heated I’d say “STOP” firmly and hold up my hand in the stop sign. Then I’d tell him that I’m going to go clam down. He can calm himself down.

I actually practiced this in front of a mirror until it was automatic. I would imagine him picking a fight (in my case my husband was verbally abusive and escalated fast over everything.). And then I’d play out the hand “STOP” sign and saying the word “stop” firmly.

During a calm time I told him that I’d be doing the “stop” routine form there on out. Over time it worked. It ended the fights. He learned to do something like go for a bike ride to calm down. Exercise is a great way to handle the irritation both of you are feeling.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks. I remember awhile ago trying to use the "T" (timeout) hand signal. I should do this again, especially because I don't want to keep bickering in front of our toddler (and baby).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You both are going through a huge adjustment. If you prevent these petty arguments, the damage will be avoided.

I am also concerned about you being so irritation at your husband. I think that you are having a hard time and needed to find out why and take care of yourself.


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## librarydragon (Aug 20, 2011)

What was your important phone call? You have a friend, who took time from her own busy life, stop in to visit you (with gifts) and your new baby. You [email protected]&!d off for a phone call, and are mad at your husband for not making satisfactory conversation with her?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

librarydragon said:


> What was your important phone call? You have a friend, who took time from her own busy life, stop in to visit you (with gifts) and your new baby. You [email protected]&!d off for a phone call, and are mad at your husband for not making satisfactory conversation with her?



It was from the drs office (regarding a condition related to the labor/delivery) AND I told my friend ahead of time they would be calling...she totally understood. Baby is only 2 weeks old.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

:scratchhead: You asked him to stay to watch the kid. He watched the child right? The toddler didn't die while in his care, beat up/get beaten up by the other child? Sounds like he did exactly what you asked him to do. I don't think you have a right to be angry that he didn't socialize with your friend. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you picked the fight over this one, I just don't see him doing it, and that one is all on you dear. He may have communication issues but it sounds like you have anger issues. Talk to your OB about PPD, but also seek counseling. Sounds like there is a lot more going on!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Your title says, I'm getting so sick of my husband". In your thread you stated your baby is only two weeks old, do you think there is some relation there? Did you feel this way about him before you were pregnant or during? Or just now since the baby has been born? Do you feel you might have some sort of postpartum issue? After all your hormones are out of whack still.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Ah, you came here to have your concerns validated and instead you are being criticized.....

Sorry!

But yes, one cannot expect anyone to change. If you have an important phone call, don't have your friend come. If you do, don't expect your husband to keep them busy (you knew of his trait before this time, right??). I think deep down you are still not 100% accepting of him, and you try to change him.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Yellowstar,

I'm not going to pile on because you're already getting that message, and it is accurate.

You NEED to make time for you and your husband. I have 3 kids with one on the way. I know the drill. I know how, in the early weeks, a baby can feel like you can't step away, but you need to.

Do either your Mom or MIL live nearby and can watch the kids for a couple hours for you and hubby to go grab dinner. (I'd say go have a quickie, but we no the timeline isn't ready for that LOL). 

With a 2 week old...EVERYTHING is frustrating. Recognize it's coming from within you. When you start to get annoyed, walk away. etc.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Post partum depression.
Read about it, understand it, bite your lip and don't drive your H away over it. I have seen too many couples end up divorced or in CWI situations because the wife fails to realize the massive hormonal changes taking place and instead sees it as her husband being and doing all wrong.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Yellowstar,
> 
> I'm not going to pile on because you're already getting that message, and it is accurate.
> 
> ...


It's the toddler that is bothering me more, and husband just goes and does stuff with toddler and it annoys me that they're having fun while I am with baby, stuck with nursing problems. Other issues that we've always had keep coming up now too. I feel like he does and says stuff because he is 'scared' of my reaction but doesn't actually have respect for me in some ways...or at least not when we are fighting. And like I said, his poor communication skills are bothering me more now too. 

It's like 1min things are ok, we were a little physical last night when we went to sleep (can't have sex yet but were together in other ways) and then ok in the morning and then he says something I think is rude or insensitive or doesn't defend me when toddler says something rude to me or talks to me like he is so comfortable with things and wouldn't care if we were together or not.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> It's the toddler that is bothering me more, and husband just goes and does stuff with toddler and it annoys me that they're having fun while I am with baby, stuck with nursing problems. Other issues that we've always had keep coming up now too. I feel like he does and says stuff because he is 'scared' of my reaction but doesn't actually have respect for me in some ways...or at least not when we are fighting. And like I said, his poor communication skills are bothering me more now too.
> 
> It's like 1min things are ok, we were a little physical last night when we went to sleep (can't have sex yet but were together in other ways) and then ok in the morning and then he says something I think is rude or insensitive or doesn't defend me when toddler says something rude to me or talks to me like he is so comfortable with things and wouldn't care if we were together or not.


I get the feeling that your husband feels like he's on eggshells with you and nothing he does or says with be right. For every good thing he does, you have 2 more things he doesn't do. You aren't happy with him no matter what he's doing or saying, at least not for longer than a day or two. 

When a person lives with an erratic personality, there will be tension. You don't know how to act or what to say for fear of setting them off.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I get the feeling that your husband feels like he's on eggshells with you and nothing he does or says with be right. For every good thing he does, you have 2 more things he doesn't do. You aren't happy with him no matter what he's doing or saying, at least not for longer than a day or two.
> 
> When a person lives with an erratic personality, there will be tension. You don't know how to act or what to say for fear of setting them off.


You're probably right...how do I change that? I know I am at fault (or partially) at fault here too. I just feel stuck, like I don't know what to do.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Quit nit picking every little thing. And all that you mentioned here are little things. Not correcting the toddler when they say something disrespectful? Um, the toddler said it to you, then YOU should be correcting him or her. It annoys you that he enjoys his kids? Why in the world would that bother you? He's a daddy who loves to play with his kids!!! There's nothing wrong with that. 

Women don't take the time to enjoy the children and the family in general because we just can't stop being in control of everything. The kids won't explode if you spend 30 minutes sprawled on the floor playing with them. Dinner will still get done, if you have a loving partner you call and ask them to pick up dinner so you don't have to do it. It's okay if you want to relax and I'm almost positive that your husband would PREFER that yellowstar to the one that is critiquing him in her head every 5 minutes.

Running a household IS work, but you can kill yourself and be mad at everybody and making them and yourself miserable.... OR, try the alternative. Stop all the running. Take a breather. While the newborn is napping have fun with your toddler. He/she is missing that one on one time. Be happy to see your husband walk in the door with a smile. These things aren't hard to do, you have to make an effort to NOT get yourself in these negative moods.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> I get the feeling that your husband feels like he's on eggshells with you and nothing he does or says with be right. For every good thing he does, you have 2 more things he doesn't do. You aren't happy with him no matter what he's doing or saying, at least not for longer than a day or two.
> 
> When a person lives with an erratic personality, there will be tension. You don't know how to act or what to say for fear of setting them off.


:iagree:

This. Just last week you were off the rails because a girl he works with whose Facebook page he'd looked at sent your family a birthday party invite. Now you're going off about how he DIDN'T talk enough to a different girl. He's spending his vacation with his kids instead of a camping trip or sitting on the couch playing video games like a hundred other posters spouses.

Honestly, I think you should stop making babies with someone you can't stand. Get a good nanny and find a job so that you have something to do besides come up with what's wrong with that poor man today. Do you have adults that you talk to or are you just with kids all the time? 

I just think that if you had something to force you out of your own head, you wouldn't have the time or energy to focus on the transgression of the day with your husband. Then you could eventually focus on figuring out what makes you so negative and controlling and either improve this relationship or be better in your next one.


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## RoninJedi (Jun 22, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> You're probably right...how do I change that? I know I am at fault (or partially) at fault here too. I just feel stuck, like I don't know what to do.


It's refreshing to see someone understand and *admit* that they are a part of the problem. So thanks very much for that. Discussions are always so much more productive that way.

I think for the most part that none of us have told you things you didn't know - bottom line you're in the middle of a big transition (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) and you're both stuck in the house together 24/7. 

I don't know how long you've been married, but i'ts almost a decade for my wife and I. I can tell you one of the most important lessons we learned that first couple of years was this - 

There's only so much "togetherness" one couple can stand.

It seems like you already know a big part of the reason you two are bickering and whatnot, and throwing up a "time-out" or whatever you've got to do to end the conversation *right then*, and walk away to cool off is an excellent idea.

Besides that, I think it would be helpful for you guys to get out of the house. Believe me, I know how hard that is with a 2-week-old baby, but you need to do everything you can to make it happen. Get a relative or very close friend that you both trust to watch the kids for just 2 or 3 hours, and go out on a date.

Nothing fancy - dinner, movie, both, putt-putt, walk in the park, whatever. Just something calm and relaxing where the two of you can unwind and connect together. You can let go of everything for just a couple of hours, and you will be amazed at how refreshed you'll feel.

Easier said than done I know, but really give it a shot. Most babies are beginning to get into a routine by this point (at least mine did - eat, sleep 3 hours, wake up, poop, repeat). If your baby is getting into the same phase, maybe try to set something up when chances are baby is asleep, and that will give you even less to hold onto while you're out.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This. Just last week you were off the rails because a girl he works with whose Facebook page he'd looked at sent your family a birthday party invite. Now you're going off about how he DIDN'T talk enough to a different girl. He's spending his vacation with his kids instead of a camping trip or sitting on the couch playing video games like a hundred other posters spouses.
> 
> ...


I know part of this is me because I've always worked my whole life or in school. I just recently finished my doctorate and knew I would be home with baby for awhile and I'm having a hard time transitioning into 'stay at home mom' and not having adult conversation. A lot of friends now are moms and conversations revolve around baby stuff which is ok but it's a hard transition for me. I know part of this is just ME too...I am definitely part of the problem and want to learn how to fix it. I also think once I start exercising again, looking for a job for next year etc I will feel better again (stronger, better self image, positive outlook, etc). I realize I am definitely part of the problem...and trust me I am not happy about it. I know he isn't perfect either and maybe I'm just shifting blame all on him? 



RoninJedi said:


> It's refreshing to see someone understand and *admit* that they are a part of the problem. So thanks very much for that. Discussions are always so much more productive that way.
> 
> I think for the most part that none of us have told you things you didn't know - bottom line you're in the middle of a big transition (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.) and you're both stuck in the house together 24/7.
> 
> ...



Yes almost 10yrs married and 10+yrs of being together. The time out thing is definitely something I need to do again, becoming more aware of this will help. Instead of getting caught up again, being aware that ok, I sense an argument brewing...time out, let me walk away or go cool down or distract myself for a bit. It's hard but I will definitely do this because I NEED TO! I want to do the date night without our toddler, I'm just not sure if I can leave baby yet. I know I can leave a bottle of pumped milk but I will feel guilty...maybe in a couple of weeks or so? It's so hard mentally to think about everyone and I want everyone to be happy. It's a bit overwhelming but I'm up for the challenge.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say he's a poor communicator, but what are YOU doing to communicate how you're feeling lately? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, it's just that you're the one in here posting. So talk to him about how some of these things make you feel, in a non-accusing manner. Talk to hike about some possible solutions, preferably not focused on ones a year down the road. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> I know he isn't perfect either and maybe I'm just shifting blame all on him?


Sure, he's not perfect, but mostly it sounds like he's human. Seriously, what are the odds that if your husband had actually carried on a conversation with your friend while you were on the phone, you'd be here posting about how he never talks to anyone and here he was talking to her and how could he talk to her and why would he talk to her and what could they possibly be talking about.... Do you get my point? I'm sure he isn't perfect, but the energy and drama you create around every little action of his goes far beyond what most people would even consider issues.

Why wait a year to get back to exercise and work? Were you so critical of your husband when you worked and went to school? Your posts always sound to me like you focus on every tiny detail of every tiny interaction with him. For example, I seem to recall that you had a thread going at one point about how he didn't kiss you passionately enough at family dinners. I just don't think there are too many people who give a lot of thought to how/when/if they kiss in front of their parents. At least I don't recall that ever crossing my mind.

If you've completed a doctoral program, I'm going to guess that you're naturally analytical. With a lack of anything productive to analyze since you're at home all the time now, your husband has become the target of your rumination. That focus and analysis is going to (and rightfully should) eventually either break his spirit completely, or drive him away.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just divorce him. He's going to get worse, not better.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Sure, he's not perfect, but mostly it sounds like he's human. Seriously, what are the odds that if your husband had actually carried on a conversation with your friend while you were on the phone, you'd be here posting about how he never talks to anyone and here he was talking to her and how could he talk to her and why would he talk to her and what could they possibly be talking about.... Do you get my point? I'm sure he isn't perfect, but the energy and drama you create around every little action of his goes far beyond what most people would even consider issues.
> 
> Why wait a year to get back to exercise and work? Were you so critical of your husband when you worked and went to school? Your posts always sound to me like you focus on every tiny detail of every tiny interaction with him. For example, I seem to recall that you had a thread going at one point about how he didn't kiss you passionately enough at family dinners. I just don't think there are too many people who give a lot of thought to how/when/if they kiss in front of their parents. At least I don't recall that ever crossing my mind.
> 
> If you've completed a doctoral program, I'm going to guess that you're naturally analytical. With a lack of anything productive to analyze since you're at home all the time now, your husband has become the target of your rumination. That focus and analysis is going to (and rightfully should) eventually either break his spirit completely, or drive him away.


I cringe when reading this because it's so spot on  Every time I post here it's like a reality check (I guess that's why I continue to post here!). Anyways, you are right with everything you wrote. I guess I need to focus on myself and improving myself and stop picking apart my husband. I have definitely thought (recently) that I need something to focus on and be productive because this time at home makes my mind restless. And this leads to creating problems where there aren't any... :banghead: 



MrK said:


> Just divorce him. He's going to get worse, not better.


What? This is not helpful!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> You're probably right...how do I change that?


A little tip - 

Learn how to watch your own emotions VERY carefully in real time. It may sound stupid, but if you learn to say out loud 

I am getting angry

That is a huge step forward in pre-empting emotions from overtaking your sensibilities. Because then you learn to fight the emotion instead of letting the emotion take over.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Why don't you write a list of things you LIKE about your husband? I went back and read some of your other threads and damn, you are nit picking over every....little....thing. It's like you are looking for reasons to be angry with him. If you want to stop that, I would start remembering why you married the guy in the first place. He doesn't sound like a bad guy at all but your insecurities are getting in the way. Have you had counseling for that?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

YS, you remind me almost exactly the way my wife was/is after both childbirths. The difference, you are here admitting some of the problem is you so there is hope. My wife laughed at this "goofy" forum and never gave it a second look, now the outcome of some things(that's all I can say right now) will determine if we D or not.
Time to reign in the baby blues if you want to stay married. You'll get a lot more help and support from him being nice than you will picking him apart. Keep that up and he's going to detach.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I didn't even read all this but laughed to myself.

My husband and I NEVER EVER fight unless there is a newborn in the house. 

We've had 3 kids and we've argued each time. 

NO EXCEPTIONS.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Don't want to jinx myself but read through responses again, did some thinking, then talking to husband and things are going much better...I'm being aware of my feelings and looking at him for all the reasons I love him (supportive, funny, smart, hard working, family centered, loyal, etc). I also told him (not yelled) about things that are bothering me so it helped us talk things through.

I will continue to work on myself instead of nitpicking husband, so far so good (knock on wood). Thank you all! Love this place


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am curious do your friends complain about your H's behavior. My wife hates it if she is left alone with other people she doesn't know. I let her vent and we get over it. However I really don't see the problem. As long as he is not being outright hostile I don't get it. And have you tried communicating with somone you barely know is a situation that was forced upon you. IF you want him to get comfortable around your friends you are going to have to have your friend and their husbands over. I can honestly tell you that you really don't want your H to be best friends with your friends. It is dangerous. So instead of having just other women invite thier whole family. At least he can relate to your friends husband. Plus the way women communicate is alien to men. My dad literally hides when my mom invites all her friends over. because it is sheer madness, and lunacy. I am not trying to be mysogynistic at all. I am just trying to provide perspective.


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