# "Work spouse"



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

There has been a conversation on some local news anchors' facebooks about the use of this term. The woman anchor calls the man her "work hubby." They are both married. Some people mentioned that it seemed inappropriate, and the "work hubby" posted their comments to see what people thought. The majority of comments were of the opinion that it was no big deal, and a lot of people said they have work spouses, too.

Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> There has been a conversation on some local news anchors' facebooks about the use of this term. The woman anchor calls the man her "work hubby." They are both married. Some people mentioned that it seemed inappropriate, and the "work hubby" posted their comments to see what people thought. The majority of comments were of the opinion that it was no big deal, and a lot of people said they have work spouses, too.
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I'm not offended by the use of it (few things offend me), it's yet another way to blur the lines...the word _ husband _ and _ wife _ mean something...so using it to describe a co-worker is a bit annoying and tends to lessen the value of a true _husband/wife_.

My wife at times will talk about her _gay boyfriend_ with whom she's connected on facebook (an old co-worker), and it does kind of bug me. But, given he lives 1200 miles away and is confirmed to be uber gay (and not bi), there's no line blurring possible here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Putting a label (or not putting one) on a relationship doesn't change it. I've got other things to worry about in my life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Marriage is really hard work. Only been married for 39 years.

It takes two working very hard to make it work. Three in a marriage does not make it work. 

I would not like to have a work wife and I would not like my wife to have a work husband. Especially with her history 3 years ago.

(at least I hope it all stopped back then, you never really know)


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I guess I must be jaded. I see a problem identifying another person as a extra spouse. Work husband or work wife or whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I mean, I'll be clear, I'm not asking because I'm "worried" about it. I'm asking because I'm curious. Just because I think it's inappropriate doesn't mean I'm offended. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I had a co-worker at my last job who always called me her husband. She did this in emails, phone conversations and in front of our bosses. She worked in another department. I always laughed. Cute girl about 15 years younger then me. I forget when it started or even how. Most of our work involved policies and physically we worked together for a few days straight in her office when she was training me on policy compliance. 

There was nothing untowards between either of us. I never called her wife or work wife or anything like that. Even in emails to multiple people she would refer to me as her husband. 

I forgot about it till today, I left there in 2011 and get a chuckle about her calling me her husband. I still don't know why she started it and I never asked her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I used to have a work husband. We were a team of two doing a particular job, had to keep track of what the other was doing, needed to do a lot of things as team, etc. We developed a close working relationship, and over time, a very friendly relationship where we knew about each other's lives and cared about each other.

We didn't call each other work husband/work wife, though, and didn't think of it in those terms. We were just a team.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

But why not "work brother?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

And I'm more talking about actually referring to each other like that. 

Thorburn, can I ask why you didn't call her that back? You did make sure to say you never reciprocated, why not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

My wife used to joke around about one of our neighbors, who was also a good friend of mine, being her "2cnd husband", because he was kind enough to help us and my mom out, from time to time while I was traveling for work. (I know what you're thinking, but let's not go there).

Pre-A, that term didn't bother me. Neither would work husband. 

Post-A, yeah; Both terms would offend me. Particularly if she used them.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> But why not "work brother?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or why not nothing at all? I totally agree with you. It's not a big deal, just annoying, and a way to create ambiguity.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Dr Phil covered this on one of his shows, excellent example of an EA brewing at work and McGraw calls the cheating wife out on it : 

The Dr. Phil Show - Threes A Crowd {Full} - YouTube


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Omego said:


> Or why not nothing at all? I totally agree with you. It's not a big deal, just annoying, and a way to create ambiguity.


Exactly. What ever happened to just being friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think it is disrespectful... more so when you consider how many affairs begin in the work place... 36% IIRC.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I feel it also minimizes having a spouse at all. Slippery slope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

pepper123 said:


> i think it is disrespectful... More so when you consider how many affairs begin in the work place... 36% iirc.


iirc?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

"Work hubby" may set some people's teeth on edge but it beats the hell out of "bang buddy".


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Of course, it doesn't matter anymore but I wouldn't like any woman to call my husband her "work hubby". I wouldn't get too upset if it happened but I wouldn't like it. By the same token I wouldn't let any man call me his "work wife".


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

In the age of innocence (pre affair) this term did not bother me. Post affair, it does. 

Niether my FWW or I have ever used that term, but it's been around for a while. 

Call it insecurity or jealousy, either way, many things take on a new perspective post Dday.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

The term itself is of no consequence to me, but the relationship it denotes is an on-ramp to the EA Highway.


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## BFR (Aug 31, 2012)

john1068 said:


> My wife at times will talk about her _gay boyfriend_ with whom she's connected on facebook (an old co-worker), and it does kind of bug me. But, given he lives 1200 miles away and is confirmed to be uber gay (and not bi), there's no line blurring possible here.


I agree with Philat, that by the time someone starts using terms like 'work husband' or 'boyfriend' (gay or not irrelevant) it implies that they have special feelings towards this person, or share special conversations, or just 'overshare' their life details with a person other than their spouse. 

Sound familiar? Check the definition of EA, which by the way is still an AFFAIR.... duh!!


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> iirc?


if I remember correctly


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> if I remember correctly


Thx, that is a new one for me, i thought i had seen them all by now.. lol


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I have a couple of neighborhood friends. Man and woman. Woman single, man married. They are close. She described their relationship as a "work marriage". A group of us went out for drinks a little while back. She was practically on his lap all night.

That's all I've got.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> There has been a conversation on some local news anchors' facebooks about the use of this term. The woman anchor calls the man her "work hubby." They are both married. Some people mentioned that it seemed inappropriate, and the "work hubby" posted their comments to see what people thought. The majority of comments were of the opinion that it was no big deal, and a lot of people said they have work spouses, too.
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a joke, but there is some level of emotional connectivity in these situations. I'm not sure if I'm cool with it. I should be enough man you don't need a pretend spouse.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrK said:


> I have a couple of neighborhood friends. Man and woman. Woman single, man married. They are close. She described their relationship as a "work marriage". A group of us went out for drinks a little while back. She was practically on his lap all night.
> 
> That's all I've got.


Yeah, this is how it goes down...


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am going to put a different spin on this.

The term may be inappropriate, but it is useful.

It's useful in that you know the following : 

a. your spouse may be getting too close to someone at work
b. people are encouraging the behavior giving it this "cutesy name"
c. people aren't taking the behavior seriously

That's the problem I have with these terms, is that they "cute up" what may be unsavory behavior (EA). It' just encourages the couple to continue and dig even deeper into the vortex.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife thinks I'm married to my job. 

And she might be right.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> I am going to put a different spin on this.
> 
> The term may be inappropriate, but it is useful.
> 
> ...


Amen! I just think it's a sad sign of the times that this is totally accepted behavior. I would have had a problem with it even before my H's affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MrK said:


> I have a couple of neighborhood friends. Man and woman. Woman single, man married. They are close. She described their relationship as a "work marriage". A group of us went out for drinks a little while back. She was practically on his lap all night.
> 
> That's all I've got.


I was going to say that people who do this are often fishing for attention. This backs that up.....I think the term is bullsh!t and is disrespectful of the actual spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MrK said:


> I have a couple of neighborhood friends. Man and woman. Woman single, man married. They are close. She described their relationship as a "work marriage". A group of us went out for drinks a little while back. She was practically on his lap all night.
> 
> That's all I've got.


More than enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I assume the term "work spouse" comes from the 1930 novel "Office Wife" and if I recall correctly the publisher in the book and his secretary fall in love. He's married. She isn't. 

My ex-husband cheated with someone who worked for him (and was also married) so it's not a term I especially like.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

(Before I knew about his A's) My stbxh had the gall to bring home Tupperware that the OW had brought him his lunch in.

She cooks him lunch. He brings the containers for ME to wash.

A$$!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

On second thought, that may be a good sign.

If he was in love, he'd have lovingly washed them himself and put a bow on them before presenting it back to her.

LOL (gag!)


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> On second thought, that may be a good sign.
> 
> If he was in love, he'd have lovingly washed them himself and put a bow on them before presenting it back to her.
> 
> LOL (gag!)


I don't believe anyone ever having an affair is "in love".. in-fatuated yes, "in love".. no.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I am an engineer. I work in a male dominated field, but I do have a few women I work with. When I was married, I did see my coworker more than my wife. My coworker is a guy. The women I work with, I talk to but I don't ever talk to them like I would a guy and I don't ever get cozy with them.

I find the term very troubling. Nothing good can come of it. Just sayin...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Back in my late 20's, I had two "work husbands". I didn't call them that but I can see why the term exists. We spent 8+ hours together, sometimes lunch at our desks or working late because we were busy. I was spending more time with them than with my own husband. All three of us shared an office and we faced each other. We were a team that work well together and we were very successful. One was my age, married about the same length of time as I was and the other was 5 years younger than me and single. 

We actually had great boundaries. Probably because the two of us were essentially newlyweds and were still in the honeymoon stage. We never really talked about anything too personal. Sometimes we would talk about the younger ones dating escapades but that's it. I think what really developed over time, (for me at least), was a more brotherly affection for the both of them. The young one eventually started his own company and asked the both of us to go with him. I went, the other guy didn't. I still work for him to this day, (he's a great boss), and I'm so proud of his success.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah, I have a co-worker friend who refers to me as her "work husband"...as we both been through disastrous marital issues concurrently at the same time. In our case, there is nothing about me she finds attractive...as she likes older men with motorcycles and she is a drinker...while I am younger, more city-boy type. And other than being a great person, I am so not attracted her sexually. I actually see her replacing my big sister who died a couple years ago...but I admit I squirm when she jokes "work husband" cos you never know how that can be taken.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Back in my late 20's, I had two "work husbands". I didn't call them that but I can see why the term exists. We spent 8+ hours together, sometimes lunch at our desks or working late because we were busy. I was spending more time with them than with my own husband. All three of us shared an office and we faced each other. We were a team that work well together and we were very successful. One was my age, married about the same length of time as I was and the other was 5 years younger than me and single.
> 
> We actually had great boundaries. Probably because the two of us were essentially newlyweds and were still in the honeymoon stage. We never really talked about anything too personal. Sometimes we would talk about the younger ones dating escapades but that's it. I think what really developed over time, (for me at least), was a more brotherly affection for the both of them. The young one eventually started his own company and asked the both of us to go with him. I went, the other guy didn't. I still work for him to this day, (he's a great boss), and I'm so proud of his success.


You did have great boundaries, that's why you never referred to each other as such! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> There has been a conversation on some local news anchors' facebooks about the use of this term. The woman anchor calls the man her "work hubby." They are both married. Some people mentioned that it seemed inappropriate, and the "work hubby" posted their comments to see what people thought. The majority of comments were of the opinion that it was no big deal, and a lot of people said they have work spouses, too.
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is inappropriate. Holding strong boundaries in life isn't easy. It takes internal strength and resolve. I think this issue is a by product of a larger problem. As a society, we are have become more and more accepting of lacking of integrity and morals. It's "easier" and "nicer" to not take the hard stand on things. Society has also become more accepting of poor behavior because it feels "I can control myself, and this feels nice" IE we aren't as concerned about slippery slopes.

I know my point isn't as succinct as I usually try to be, but I'm trying to avoid writing a 10 page research paper about the gradual degradation of society.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I know my point isn't as succinct as I usually try to be, but I'm trying to avoid writing a 10 page research paper about the gradual degradation of society.


There are a handful of ideas/attitudes/mindsets for our times that are dangerous : 

a. if it feels good, act on it
b. if it feels good, pursue it to the detriment and neglect of everything else
c. if it feels good, it's right
d. marriages either work or they don't
e. if you're marriage has struggles, you are in a bad marriage, get out
f. if you are unhappy, divorce is the answer
g. if you want something, argue til you get it
h. all marriages need is trust
i. if you don't trust me with members of the opposite sex, that's your problem
j. if she had an affair, it's his fault, he's a neglectful husband
k. if he had an affair, it's his fault, he's a womanizing pig
l. if i see him/her cheating, that's none of my business, who am I to judge and rat them out to their spouse?
m. "i don't judge people"

I can go on... all of this is garbage that gets tossed around or worse, assumed on a daily basis by people...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Acoa said:


> In the age of innocence (pre affair) this term did not bother me. Post affair, it does.


My WS used this term about a colleague "in the age of innocence" and it did not bother me - much. She's not the person he had the affair with. But in retrospect, I recall a teeny, tiny twinge of being slightly uncomfortable with the term, even though she was, I was told, in a solid relationship with a live-in boyfriend. But I would laugh when he called her his work wife! Oh, kind of cute, isn't it? (Of course when I met her and saw how attractive she is, the teeny twinge of discomfort was a little less teeny.) They are no longer in the same department, so this work relationship is pretty much non-existent; the handful of people he works most closely with now are all men (I'm happy about THAT!).

Now, I feel jealous about that relationship - he bought the same kind of cell phone she had just bought (she raved about it, so he had to have one too!) just a month before the EA started with the OW, so I think he was starting to "lose his mind" around that time. I wonder if SHE hadn't had good boundaries if this relationship might have become an EA, or worse.

Boy how things change. Now I consider "work wife" a highly inappropriate term!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> There has been a conversation on some local news anchors' facebooks about the use of this term. The woman anchor calls the man her "work hubby." They are both married. Some people mentioned that it seemed inappropriate, and the "work hubby" posted their comments to see what people thought. The majority of comments were of the opinion that it was no big deal, and a lot of people said they have work spouses, too.
> 
> Maybe this is the wrong forum to ask, because we're all jaded, but do you think this term is inappropriate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When someone uses such a term, whether they realize it or not, it simply means the person attaches the same importance to a co-worker as they do their spouse. Marriage to such people isn't sacred, it's just a word with little value, something to be toyed with.

T


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

My wife has a gay friend 400 miles away on Facebook. I friended him to and yes he is gay tho not flaming. He hates flamers. something to the effect of, "Im just a guy who likes other guys. Otherwise there is no difference between us. I like sports and cars... etc"

Ive seen his status change of exclusive with a few differrent guys so yes, he is gay.

Yea its inappropriate but rates about a 3-4 on the 10 scale.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

norajane said:


> I used to have a work husband. We were a team of two doing a particular job, had to keep track of what the other was doing, needed to do a lot of things as team, etc. We developed a close working relationship, and over time, a very friendly relationship where we knew about each other's lives and cared about each other.
> 
> We didn't call each other work husband/work wife, though, and didn't think of it in those terms. We were just a team.


This is an interesting concept, Norajane. Are you married? You say you had "a very friendly relationship where we knew about each other's lives and cared about each other." If you are or were married, was your husband uncomfortable with the relationship you had with your "work husband?" Did it ultimately adversely affect your marriage? :scratchhead: I always wonder about working relationships that get a little too close and it seems so many of them eventually cross the line. Not accusing, you understand, just curious about your take on this.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> And I'm more talking about actually referring to each other like that.
> 
> Thorburn, can I ask why you didn't call her that back? You did make sure to say you never reciprocated, why not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not into playing like that. Seemed a little immature and that is not me.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

workindad said:


> I guess I must be jaded. I see a problem identifying another person as a extra spouse. Work husband or work wife or whatever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

I had three work wives at one time. All three of them single and I was married. Looking back it was inappropriate because I used them to boost my ego and I could have had sex with them if I wanted. It was fun though but completely inappropriate. They used to be jealous of each other too. 
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my work wives :-(


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

disconnected said:


> I agree with you.


I do, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> I had three work wives at one time. All three of them single and I was married. Looking back it was inappropriate because I used them to boost my ego and I could have had sex with them if I wanted. It was fun though but completely inappropriate. They used to be jealous of each other too.
> I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my work wives :-(


That's messed up, dude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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