# Husband Can't Be Trusted....Why Can't I Let Go?



## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

My husband has struggled with narcotic abuse for quite some time. He tends to binge on lortab when he can get it, and then bums pills off of coworkers on other occasions.

This last monday, while snooping through his email, I discovered he was having conversations of a sexual nature with a co-worker. She would make comments like, "It's all on me now", to which he would reply, "Well face it. We all want to be on you". There was more of the same.

Additionally, he made contact with high school sweetheart through a website, and wrote a lenthy love letter to her in which he tells her she is the only true love of his life, despite two marriages and multiple relationships later.

After this betrayal, I asked him to move out. He had an apt within a couple of days and has moved most of his stuff out this weekend. I can't believe I am hurting and questioning if I made the right decision. Obviously I can't trust him and havn't for a long time. However, I still love him and am crazy about him. How does this work? How long do we go without talking? What do I do to not make myself crazy and cry myself to sleep every night? Please help.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Finding out about explicit betrayal is horrible. Good for you for noticing red flags and finding out what was going on. You're in the driver's seat.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. It's natural to question yourself after making a big life decision...I know I have to convince myself everyday that doing the right thing is worth the drama. Clearly he knows he's made mistakes and is willing to accept your consequences of leaving for now...concentrate on yourself, don't call/text.email with him unless he does to you first, or if you have to be in touch sbout business matters (bills, etc). Without knowing what you guys talked about in regards to him leaving, I have no real picture of the vibe between you two. Did he freak out? Did he just say OK and start packing? Did he deny or try to blame you for anything?

The narcotics will clearly make him respond differently than he normally would...he may need treatment (and being kicked out may trigger that self-improvement on his end).

How long have you been together? Any kids?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

So sorry to read this....but it is common. Do not feel alone. I have not stopped loving my big headed azz H either...and he really did me dirty.We love the men we married and not the ones who occupy their bodies now. The men we married are gone. The men we married would never hurt us like this. So, cast your worries on God and live. And pray that everything goes as smoothly as asking him to leave and him doing so and fast. sound like he got other things going on too.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I've been in extensive IC for a while now, asking these same questions. 

Finally the therapist answered them for me:

You, me, we on this thread are all probably in a "Love Addiction/Love Avoidant" cycle.

When my therapist read off the stages of what a relationship like this looks like, and the behaviours and feelings exhibited by both parties, I broke down and cried.

*It was an exact map of my marriage*. I am the addict. He is the avoidant.

Recommended reading "Addicted to Love" by Pia Mellody. Read it and see if it answers any of your questions.

Good news is it is treatable, but only if BOTH parties face the reality and get IC.


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## SugarPlum JellyBean (Oct 10, 2011)

When I asked him to leave, he initially expressed concern about how we both were going to handle this financially. We each make about the same amount of income, so I told him to take the bills in his name, and I would do the same. He has rented an apt and I am in the home. We do not have kids together, but I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one. (All teenagers).

Ultimately, he admitted he screwed up and moved out very quickly. He took some of his things, but not all. In the last couple of days, he's sent very hostile texts regarding getting the rest of his stuff. It makes me want to make it very difficult for him. Afterall, he already hurt me, and now he wants me to feel bad because he didn't walk out of here with everything that is "his"?

I'm wondering if anybody out there knows how divorce will be impacted by this seperation? In other words, if I have agreed what bills he will be responsible for now, will that remain the same if we divorce? Should I attempt to even out the debt if we are going to be separated for any lengthy period of time?


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