# Getting feelings back for my husband



## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Does anyone have any ideas for this? Any book ideas? I want to try everything possible before I make a decision. We have been separated for two months now and I still don't miss him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> Does anyone have any ideas for this? Any book ideas? I want to try everything possible before I make a decision. We have been separated for two months now and I still don't miss him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We will need a lot more info on your story before we can give any helpful advice. Why did you separate? How long were you married? How old were you when you got married?


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## KaTieM (Dec 13, 2011)

I'm interested as well. Don't mean to hijack, but basically been seperated, but living together for 2 years due to the kids and no other options for me(stay at home Mom for the last 13 years). We have been living in separate rooms for 2 years, I have zero attraction to him whatsoever and do not think I could even force myself to kiss him, let alone have any intimacy with him. He is a great, non abusive, provider and Dad to my kids, but I lost any and all feelings towards him. Married 18 years, me at 23, him 30. He seems to have aged way before his time, he is almost 50 going on 65, hygiene is a turn off for me and just not being in tune to himself or me for that matter. I am 41 going on 30ish, young at heart, exercise, etc.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Married 4 yrs together 8. No kids. We separated because I was not happy. Well both of us were not happy. He had been verbally abusive. He is little bit of a narcissus. I have my flaws also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

all i can say is that you cant force yourself to be happy with a person, all you can do is just go with what your feelings tell you and maybe separate legally and spend time on yourself and he needs to do the same thing and maybe being apart can bring back those feelings gradually and if not then it would be time to let go of this marriage.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

KaTieM said:


> I'm interested as well. Don't mean to hijack, but basically been seperated, but living together for 2 years due to the kids and no other options for me(stay at home Mom for the last 13 years). We have been living in separate rooms for 2 years, I have zero attraction to him whatsoever and do not think I could even force myself to kiss him, let alone have any intimacy with him. He is a great, non abusive, provider and Dad to my kids, but I lost any and all feelings towards him. Married 18 years, me at 23, him 30. He seems to have aged way before his time, he is almost 50 going on 65, hygiene is a turn off for me and just not being in tune to himself or me for that matter. I am 41 going on 30ish, young at heart, exercise, etc.


I think you touched on part of the lack of attraction...hygiene. Have you talked to him about this? Does he know you've lost your attraction to him?


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I have decided to try more when it comes to my husband. We have decided the deadline is going to be Feb. for our decision. Christmas Eve we also go out to eat with his family. His family is from out of town except his gdma and aunt. Dad lives in va, sister and nephew lives in dc. I decided not to go and today i told him i wanted to go that I had to start somewhere. Being gone for 2 months has not changed my feelings so maybe being around him more will let me know for sure. He has already excepted that we will not get back together. I guess from now until Feb will give me enough time to figure things out and we will go from there. Does that sound like a good idea?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Yeah it does in my opinion try and spend as much time together as you can it will help bring the spark back that got you together in the first place start new. No past convos or chats basically forgetting the past and starting again as a new couple.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

s.k said:


> Yeah it does in my opinion try and spend as much time together as you can it will help bring the spark back that got you together in the first place start new. No past convos or chats basically forgetting the past and starting again as a new couple.


Not sure if i can get past how he has treated me. That's my issue. I have had so much hurt.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

nicole2011 said:


> Not sure if i can get past how he has treated me. That's my issue. I have had so much hurt.


Not much has been written as to letting us know what the story is all you have written is that you were both unhappy and you both flaws. If you want it to work then the first thing you both need to do is let go of the past. Believe me you can not start again on a marriage if past feeling are stil there because those feelings of unhappiness will be there.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

My WAW seperated from me over 6 weeks ago. Her issues with me were varied and in some cases exaggerated. She claims to have lost the feeling for me, but at other times claims she has had feeling for me. Hard to understand from my POV. 

One thing is for certain, my Love for her has been unwavering and she knows it, but at some point for my own sanity and self respect will need to move on. I am not certain it is all me she has an issue with, and I know I have flaws, as we all do. For complaints about how I may have treated her, I have appolgiesed several times now, but only she can let it go and forgive.

I think if she can ever truly forgive and move on, her feelings will change. I could be wrong, but I mentioned this exact thing last week and she seems to be showing signs of moving in a positive direction, although it is also Christmas time, which may be a part of it.

My humble and simple advice is to seriously forgive the wrongs of the past, for carrying that around will always be a stumbling point for the potential of a joyous and loving relationship.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If your husband is a verbally abusive narcissist, he is not likely to change (if he is a true narcissist). Does he think about your needs? Is he able to show empathy or is it always about him? 

If he's a narcissist, there is a good reason NOT to continue to try to be with him (or have kids with him).


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> Married 4 yrs together 8. No kids. We separated because I was not happy. Well both of us were not happy. He had been verbally abusive. He is little bit of a narcissus. I have my flaws also.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know what it is about these NARC men but I don't know anyone that stayed and kept their sanity. If you go back, why are you going back? Do you feel better now that you"ve had time away from him?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

The NARC displays

• Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates
accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits
to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior
without commensurate achievements);
• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame,
fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the
cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the
somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or
passion;
• Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special,
can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or
associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people
(or institutions);
• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and
affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be
notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
• Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his
or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable
priority treatment;
• Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his
or her own ends;
• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with,
acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences,
priorities, and choices of others;
• Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the
objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory
(paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the
same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
•* Behaves arrogantly and haughty. Feels superior, omnipotent,
omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and
omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers
inferior to him or her and unworthy.*


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

shaylady said:


> I don't know what it is about these NARC men but I don't know anyone that stayed and kept their sanity. If you go back, why are you going back? Do you feel better now that you"ve had time away from him?


Yes, i feel like a different person!


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> If your husband is a verbally abusive narcissist, he is not likely to change (if he is a true narcissist). Does he think about your needs? Is he able to show empathy or is it always about him?
> 
> If he's a narcissist, there is a good reason NOT to continue to try to be with him (or have kids with him).




Yes, he does some to both questions.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> Yes, i feel like a different person!


The feeling like a different person can be because you're not under that dang spell they have on people. Almost like being brainwashed. You may be thinking more clear, normal or just thinking for yourself now. I don't know how much of a Narc you're dealing with but OMG, it is exhausting from my experience.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> Yes, i feel like a different person!


So you feel better not being with him but you're trying to figure out how to love him and go back and be miserable with him? You should not have to dig that deep down when you"re delaing with someone who will never change because it is a sickness. A disorder. Have you pursued any of your dreams since you've been with him?


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

shaylady said:


> So you feel better not being with him but you're trying to figure out how to love him and go back and be miserable with him? You should not have to dig that deep down when you"re delaing with someone who will never change because it is a sickness. A disorder. Have you pursued any of your dreams since you've been with him?



Well, I would like to have kids one day. When we tried at the beginning of the year, i was scared to death. Then decided to stop b/c i did not want to bring a child into this world with the way i was feeling. I should not be like that.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

nicole2011 said:


> Well, I would like to have kids one day. When we tried at the beginning of the year, i was scared to death. Then decided to stop b/c i did not want to bring a child into this world with the way i was feeling. I should not be like that.


I will say this. I know a couple that wanted kids and she had two or three miscarriages. At the time, I was not educated about Narcissim. I just kept saying "U 2 need to go to couseling". Now I see why (MAYBE) she had those miscarriages. She is able to have a child, she just may not be blessed with a child as long as she stays in that abusive, disfunctional marriage she is in. As loving as she is, she didn't need a baby in that unstable home. With that said, you know your home situation and marriage more than anyone else.


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