# What to do



## offbroad (Apr 28, 2014)

I was told that this would be a better place to post. This may be long, but I want to get good opinions and think that it is relevant. We have been married for 6 years, one child. I knew that things were not great, but did not know they were this bad. Here is the story.

The last weekend in January this year we went to a party and had what I thought was a great time. We had had drinks and were feeling good. Had a great conversation about our future. We got home and were getting ready for bed, I walked into the bathroom and she was on her phone. She looked as if she were sending a text. I asked her who she was texting,(innocently). She told me that it was none of my business. This set off an alarm. She proceeded to crawl in bed and refuse my advances. She was fairly drunk and I left the room to make sure that the house was locked down and the lights were off. My gut did not feel good about the text. I checked her phone and there was no text on it. I had heard the sound it makes when one is sent. 
What I did find were emails to another man. And there were phone calls. I knew of this person, he lives out of state and they used to work together. He is married with a wife and children. She had mentioned him because his company had just opened a retail store in our town.

We have had our fights and share of problems, one thing that she says when she is mad and had a few drinks is that she does not love me and wants a divorce. When confronted the next day these are dismissed as just ways to hurt me. I have not put much stock into it until now.

I did not know what to do, I forwarded the emails to myself and got the call logs for our cell phones downloaded. I would look at them later. From the records it had been going on for 3 months, they had talked about once a month before that for about a year. 

I was in shock, to say the least. I held it together that night and did not say anything. The next morning while cuddling in bed I asked her if she thought that we could get to a better place in our marriage. She said no in a dead pan sort of matter. I left it alone. Before lunch that day I saw a message form him asking if everything was alright and that the message had said "miss you". I called a friend and told him what was going on he said let him think about it. The next day I was with this friend and his advice was good. He said to work on the things that I thought were wrong in the marriage and pray about it. Before confronting her. So I did and kept a tab on the phone and email.

That week went great, she had a stressful week, and by that Friday had noticed the changes. She asked what brought on the changes, and I told her that we needed to make changes or our relationship would not make it. We had some wine, talked and then she asked me if I had a girlfriend. That night we made love. After making love she sat up at the end of the bed and asked again if I had a girlfriend, I said no. I then asked her if she had a boyfriend, she was silent. I asked if there was anyone else. Then she told me about him. That they used to work together and that he asked her advice on work topics. I asked her if she had slept with him, she said no but that she had thought about it. I told her that it had to end. If we were to make it she had to stop it. We did not talk about it the next day, I was waiting on her to bring it up, and she was probably waiting on me to do the same. I failed. 

I talked to one of her coworkers and also her best friend, both friends of mine and are very confidential. Both of them are shocked to hear about this. If I did not trust them I would not have called and to date they have not said anything. There advice was to see what happens and work on us.

I monitored the calls and she made a few that week. On Thursday, I made appointments for counselling and confronted her. She did not want to do the counselling and was mad that it went that far. She said that we could do this ourselves. I told her again that if we were to be married that this had to stop.

I kept tabs of the phone and emails, and saw an email from him wanting to know what was wrong, I did not see a reply. We were getting along great. There were no phone records for about a month. And I did not keep checking the email. I found that all the checking up eats you up.

A month passes and she went to San Diego with our son to visit one of her friends. We had been getting along great. While there they have wine one night and I see a drunk dial to him at midnight. He did not answer because it was so late. 

I will say that the call hurt. But I know that this is like her breaking up with him. While it is not alright, I expected to see another phone call. I had not seen anything up to this point to make me think that if had not ended. You can say that I was too lenient. This call hurt, because she was drunk dial and it was not to me. 

I will stat this here, I love my wife and our family. But I have enough self respect that I will not play second fiddle to anyone. That is what this had made me feel like. I do not want to be a part time Dad. One of the reasons that I let this call go on is that from what I have researched, these things tend to play out after a couple of months.

Then 3 weeks ago, a friend of hers ask her to go to a concert at the last minute. So she asks if I would go have a drink with them before the show. (my parents are in town for a school thing with our son and love to watch him.) So I go we have a great time meet up with some other couples and have a drink. It is time for them to go to the show, they walk off and I go home. I offer to pick them up after the show. After an hour and a half she sends me a text asking me to come meet them. I was glad, because the crazy half of me thought he might be in town. He was not. A friend was working the door and let me in. She was surprised and excited to see me. We went for drinks afterward and had a great time. I felt silly and stupid for letting my insecurity get the best of me.

I had not checked her phone or the call records in a while. She changed the password because she said that she wanted to see when we could get an upgrade. I believed her, her phone had been acting up (also naive on my part). I have not changed it to one that I know yet. His contact information was deleted from her phone. I felt that there was no reason, things had been going good. We were talking, not fighting, getting along. The only time that we had talked about it was after we were intimate on night she asked if I had called Scott, my response was Scott who? She said you know who. I said no, why would I. She said because I am your wife. I told her that I had no reason to call him. 

Then the other day just to reassure myself that everything was okay, i checked her phone. Here is what I see in her trash email.

Sent on : 04/10 10:17:58 PM EDT
Subject : Thinking of you

At a Susan something concert. Derek Trucks I think. She sounds like Nora Jones.
Damn you

and the reply

Date: April 11, 2014 at 7:44:29 AM EDT
Subject: RE: Thinking of you


It's funny. I had never even heard that Lady Antebellum song before and now
I feel like it chases me around! It shows up in the strangest places.
Be strong. 

I am in the process of getting the password changes so that I can see the phone log, scared to death what I may see. This one hurt because she had just sent me a text wanting me to come be with her and here she is sending him an email thinking about him. 

What I am wanting advice on is what do you gleam from this email, are they still talking and she got careless about this one.
I know she still must have feelings for him. 

Do I wait on the phone records and then confront her? If there are more calls?

She is going out for a girls night with one of her friends this Saturday, do i wait and see if she calls him when she is drunk and not with me? I have seen the text with the friend about the girls night, so I believe her about it.

Like I said earlier, I will not be her second choice, she is not my second choice.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to you thoughts.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Expose this POS to his W.

Do not tell her you are going to do it, just do it.

Then demand your WW send him a NC letter/text cutting off all future communication.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How far 'out of state' does he live? It seems your wife has had enough unaccounted 'out-of-the-house time to have met up with him. It wouldn't be difficult for the OM to wrangle a work-related trip to your town for a quick hook-up. 

At any rate she's gettin the best of life - you bowing-and-scraping to make her life a dream - and him to schmooze and romance her. 

She doesn't want to change the dynamics - that's the reason for declining to go to counseling - she'd have to watch her p's and q's and might let something slip. 

You may not want to be her plan B - but that's exactly what you are. You need to gather a little more evidence. Do this by placing a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car and one where ever in the house she does most of her private phone convos. Look for a poster named weightlifter - he posts great advice on how to use a VAR. 

If she uses her computer a lot place a key logger on her computer. Check the internet to see if you can retrieve deleted posts from her phone. 

Keep your eyes open and play dumb for a little while.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Dude, it must be affair season. Ahhh...Springtime!

It sounds like your wife is on the fence...doubleminded. An affair is very much like an addiction, so sometimes they will go separate ways for a season and then pick it back up when the urge picks up again. Could account for the time with no emails. 

She was asking you about a girlfriend earlier because she is hoping you'll have the moral failure to help justify hers. Don't beg, cry, plead, mope, hover, needle her with "Do you love me still?" type stuff. It will lower her respect for you. I say blow this out of the water once you know for sure that she is up to no good with this guy.

My question is: why the hell is he writing "Be strong?" Sounds like she has been sending him sob-stories. It seems like she is being wistful towards him...they obviously have something shared between them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> ... I say blow this out of the water *once you know for sure that she is up to no good with this guy.*
> .


That's the thing. You need more evidence. What you have now can be rug-swept easily. ("just friends", "I was thinking about him after hearing a song he boasted about loving a few months ago" etc) 

You have a lot of smoke. She'll tell you it's evaporating dry ice and not smoke from a fire. Collect evidence. But under no circumstances act suspicious - it'll only drive them underground (if something is actually going on).


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Here's what you do. Wait a little bit longer until they finally sleep together and really crank things up and your left in the dust.

Look friend. Your wife is a liar. She's lying to you while looking you dead in the eyes.

You better learn real fast that being the nice guy will get you kicked in the teeth faster than you can blink.

You see so far where playing the nice guy is getting you. Time for you to swing a heavy hammer and let her know that she's on a real slippery slope and you getting in the mood to give her that one push down the slope and how she lands at the bottom will not be your concern.

You better let her know real fast that you wont put up with a lying cheating wife and if she has any intentions of saving the marriage, then she has a ton of work to prove to you that she's serious.

If need be and you feel that this has gone into an affair, then take her to get a polygraph test and make sure that she sends a no contact letter to him and you read it and make sure that it's to your satisfaction. Also she gives up all her passwords and you have the right to check.

If she gives you a hard time then tell her it's either this way or you'll get a lawyer and end the marriage and do it in a way she knows that you mean business.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

6301 said:


> Here's what you do. Wait a little bit longer until they finally sleep together and really crank things up and your left in the dust.
> 
> Look friend. Your wife is a liar. She's lying to you while looking you dead in the eyes.
> 
> ...


Yup - this is effective too. That is, if you have the balls to do it and follow through with it. The only problem I see is with the amount of very circumstantial evidence you have it's won't be hard for her to talk her way out of it and accuse you of being an insecure boob.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you were too lenient. The "wait and watch" approach is not a very good one. And what research says these things tend to play out after a few months? They actually tend to get more involved. And physical when the opportunity presents itself.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The "wait and watch" approach is not a very good one."

I agree 100%.

It is the kiss of death to the BS.

Why in the h**l would you ever give a POS the freedom of action to further pursue your spouse?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

You know who he is, you know he's a threat to your marriage, you also know she is getting in deeper and the fog is getting thicker.

Question is, do you have the balls to deal with it?

Exposure is your only option, consequences to back up your demands of NC but only once sufficient monitoring is in place, keylogger on computer teensafe on phone, VAR in her car, once blown up it stops or they try for underground contact, burner phones come into play which is why VARs are an excellent tool in you armory.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Nice guys usually get abused in the game of love. 

These guys on CWI all know the drill but I wouldn't even bother collecting evidence to confront. I'm a straight to divorce papers kind of guy if I even remotely suspected something like this. I just wouldn't tolerate this kind of nonsense and disrespect from anyone, let alone my wife. If you want to save the marriage, then what the guys above suggest is certainly one route to take but I wouldn't operate that way. Maybe that's just me. I believe your W needs to see strength from you one way or another. 

I wish you well but in my view, it's time to put on your "man" pants and lay down the law with your W and put the fear of God in the POSOM. Only then will you feel that you've regained some dignity and self respect regardless of the outcome of the situation.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'll say this once and I'll say it again, would a 4' tall man dare to text the wife of a mafia boss without fear of repercussion?

You blow this out of the water immediately. You tell your wife this stops NOW! Then you text OM and you text his SO. It's a wonder spouses rarely seem to confront their rivals.

She gives up all passwords, no discussions or ifs and buts. You talk a good game and you draw your line in the sand, but then she slips up and you push the boundaries back again.

She said no contact. She violated that. She gets her high having her wonderful husband and life, while at the same time texting this guy romantic sweet nothings. What are the consequences?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

From first thread: 



offbroad said:


> Thank you for the replies, I will talk to her about this and other things. As for the girls night I have seen the text with the friend. So I believe her. But again, thank you. I just hate to have a conversation about it. And I know that you can not move past it without that conversation.


You have been (not) acting out of fear.

Women turn away from that. 

You need to decide for yourself not to be a doormat/Mr. Nice Guy any further.

If you really want a change, then act, man up so to speak.

From your new autonomy you will regard the situation with a fresh view for your own interests only.

She may fit into them, or may not. You only succeed in the above if you succeed in making yourself, your value, your identity, your thinking, independent of her.

The rest of the story is clear cut for anyone having read multiple similar cases. Don't worry about how and what, posters here know it all.

Think about yourself, what kind of man you want to be from now on.


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## offbroad (Apr 28, 2014)

That's the thing. You need more evidence. What you have now can be rug-swept easily. ("just friends", "I was thinking about him after hearing a song he boasted about loving a few months ago" etc) 

You have a lot of smoke. She'll tell you it's evaporating dry ice and not smoke from a fire. Collect evidence. But under no circumstances act suspicious - it'll only drive them underground (if something is actually going on).

Why get more evidence? It seems like more wasted time and more time for them to communicate. 

I do not have to show her what I have, all I have to tell her is that "I know that you are still talking to him and it has to end if we are to work on our marriage." Then when she asks what I have or how I know, tell her that is not the point, the point is that you are still talking. I she pushes for evidence then I can paraphrase the email or cite a time of a phone call.

Or is it better to have more evidence?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This quest for more information just seems crazy to me. If you confronted and that did not stop her then really whats the point. 

If it was me I would file and just go 180. I would focus on moving on and healing. Everyone has to choose what they will do and what they will put up with. Its honestly amazing to me just how much people actually put up with. I guess as time has gone on for me I am less tolerant of those kinds of games. I learned one thing being with a serial cheater. Just like there were other men for her once I divorced there were plenty of women for me to date. Life does go on and there are far better people in this world than to be wasting your time on a cheater.

Clay


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

offbroad said:


> I do not have to show her what I have, all I have to tell her is that "I know that you are still talking to him and it has to end if we are to work on our marriage." Then when she asks what I have or how I know, tell her that is not the point, the point is that you are still talking. I she pushes for evidence then I can paraphrase the email or cite a time of a phone call.
> 
> Or is it better to have more evidence?


You don't need more evidence. You KNOW. This isn't a court of law. You don't have to show proof. Do not let her know your sources either. Frankly, the fact she has a password on her phone is bad enough. Spouses with nothing to hide know eachother's.

Someone who has recently had a 'boyfriend' does not get to act hurt or upset that you do not trust her when she is acting untrustworthy. If she denies that she's had further contact you can tell her to give you the password to her phone so you can see for yourself. She won't go for it.


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