# Midlife crisis



## henwen (May 3, 2017)

Hi, I'm new here. 42, separated since October 2016, three kids, 15, 13, 11. H is 45. Common law for 21 years. October 2015 I came across an email to OW about him just wanting sex at first and then falling in love with her. I suspected something was up before this, I could hear it in his voice talking to her and I confronted him and he denied. Then I found the email and it blew up. He apologized and stopped contact and we went into MC. It was an EA for a couple months. I was devastated. He said he felt no love at home. I agreed. We had been distant for some time. We own our own business. Everything is in his name tho. I work with him. We have the three kids. Our daughter is a competitive dancer, so my time is with the kids. Working together is hard and very stressful. H is set in his ways. He likes things his way. I agreed things were bad in the relationship. But no excuse for his EA. He was talking about moving out before the summer, but he stayed. Then after one big argument, he moved out. He blames me at the moment for everything that has gone wrong in the relationship. I am in IC and my therapist, who was our therapist for MC, says that he isn't sure he knows what he wants. He never took any of his stuff out of the house. He went and bought everything for his new house. Took nothing from our house. Even tho I said he could. He even left his passport at the house. I have asked for MC again, he said no. I asked to date a week ago, he said no, he's never coming back. He said that after his EA (he won't admit it was an affair because nothing physical happened) he has realized what a relationship should be. And we don't have that ease and happiness he had with her. I agree because they had no stress of kids, finances and a business. He is not with anyone right now. A week before I asked him if he wanted to R, he text me and started talking about our past and looking for answers. I guess I wasn't giving him the answers he wanted. Because he said the conversation isn't going anywhere. My trust in him is completely gone. Hard to build up when he moves out. So after he said point blank he wasn't coming back, he was tired of the arguing, I talked to him the next day about separation agreements, and lawyers. He avoided the questions and didn't answer. So what do I do? I don't mind waiting for him. But I hate the fence sitting. One friend says that he is ust avoiding confrontation, and hopes I do all the work and he doesn't need to face it. But my other friend thinks he doesn't really want to split and don't believe his words. Just his actions. And right now his actions don't speak of splitting up. He has not once retained a lawyer, he won't sit down and talk about finances. About the splitting of assests. Nothing. I believe he is having a mid life crisis. He had the EA. He is not happy with his work or his life. He is all of a sudden concerned about his health. He tells me life is short and he just wants to be happy. he also has anxiety issues stemming from his childhood. So what do I do? Wait it out? Listen to his words, and just get a lawyer myself? Has anyone else had experiences from a mid life crisis? thanks!


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## henwen (May 3, 2017)

I should say that the whole separation time he has refused to address the separation, not just in the last week or two.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You hit the nail on the head when you said his EA was better because he was in it only for the fun and games part of life. I am poly and my wife and I were in a poly triad with a woman we were both in love with. Prior to that I had had multiple girlfriends at the same time. Sex is always more fun with someone new. Those of us in the poly community refer to it as new relationship excitement. NRE will make someone pay less attention to his existing relationship(s). They will want to be with the new person all the time and overlook their faults. Having had girlfriends in our marriage and almost leaving my wife for one woman, I know exactly what you are saying. My girlfriend did not nag me to take out the garbage. She did not care how I spent my money or if I left a mess in the house. We had no stress between us, just sex and telling sympathizing with each other to get into each other's pants. We only present our side of the story and make ourselves the victim when we could be the problem, not our spouse. So a new person is always going to appear better than your wife or husband. 

All too often the problem is a lack of communication. When confronted, the cheating spouse will blame their spouse for their cheating. Quite honestly, there is no saving a marriage if that he how he thinks. Read the short article below which will show you when MC would help or not. Right now you are basically grasping at straws that are not there and you never will get no matter how much counselling you get. Counselling may help you accept what is going on but is not going to make your husband love you again or change his nature. Many people are afraid to tell their spouses directly and bluntly what is making them unhappy in the marriage. When they are caught cheating, it all comes out then. Very strange. Anyway read this. It might help. It is advice from MC's.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost


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## henwen (May 3, 2017)

Thank you for the article! It was definitely an eye opener!!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You're making a mistake if you wait for a decision from him. He made his choices, I don't see how you can ever trust his commitment again.

Lots of people hit their 40's and don't run out on their spouse. If he valued the marriage, he would have put more effort into fixing it.

Decide what you want and unwaveringly pursue that. What he wants is now only relevant to you if it gets you where you want to go. Myself, I would not want to invest another moment in someone who is so selfish and weak. Your mileage may vary.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree. You need to make a decision. Don't wait for him to decide or you could be waiting a long time.
The way I like to think of it is: Without a complete decision from him, the default answer is always NO.

So, in my mind, he's already said no to you. So, what are you going to do?


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## ResignedWife (Jan 20, 2017)

henwen said:


> I believe he is having a mid life crisis. He had the EA. He is not happy with his work or his life. He is all of a sudden concerned about his health. He tells me life is short and he just wants to be happy. he also has anxiety issues stemming from his childhood. So what do I do? Wait it out? Listen to his words, and just get a lawyer myself? Has anyone else had experiences from a mid life crisis? thanks!


Going through it right now with my husband. He has a lot of anxiety, boredom with life, hates his job, feels like a failure, loves me but not in love with me, severe depression, had an EA that I discovered accidentally.

The bad news? Midlife crises can last 2-5 years and mine is ~3 years into his.

If your husband doesn't want to come back, let him go. That's what I'm doing. I'm still supporting him emotionally, mentally and spiritually through his midlife crisis, but we're moving forward with separation nonetheless (all our documentation is done and the only thing we're waiting on is for him to find a new job and one of our children to finish middle school).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hate the term mid life crisis. It sounds like an excuse for acting like a horny teenager.
No marriage, right? So no layers needed for a D. I'd get one anyway, at least consult with one, with the intent of dissolving the relationship. Don't wait for him, he's acting like an ass.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with @Hope1964. You need to file and get this over with. He has no intentions of being a real partner to you. When a cheater blames the betrayed spouse, there is no chance for the marriage to recover. Stop waiting for him to choose you, its weak, and it gives power to a cheater. Take away the power, find your own, and file.


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

If he's being stand-offish in person, maybe try email. Write him an email with how you feel and ask him for his honest reply. Email could be emotionally safer for him since it's not direct and in-person. He might be more direct that way.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If he says that he's not coming back, take him at his word. Depending on where you live and the laws, some states consider common law marriages as legal marriages, and to end it you still need a divorce. Go see a lawyer ASAP, because if your state is one of these states, this offers you a lot of legal protection and access to half the assets, even though everything is in his name. You were his partner for 21 years, and he decided to walk out on you--you deserve your fair share of the marital property.

Don't let him leave you in limbo. If you have to wait on him for an answer, that means the answer is no. He is already moving on. I think you need to take care of yourself and work on moving forward yourself. You can work on this with your IC. The sooner you can accept he's not coming back, the better off you will be.

If he isn't happy, that is his problem, from within. He needs to learn how to fix that, and it's unfair that he seems to be blaming that on you. He may not be directly blaming you, but he seems to think that by leaving his family he will all of a sudden be happy? This man has problems, and I think you need to let him go. A man that is unwilling to look internally for solutions to his own emotional problems will always be looking for someone else to blame for his unhappiness, and that will always be you, even if he doesn't vocalize it.

He may sidestep a little bit when he realizes how much he stands to lose financially by leaving you and divorcing. Don't take him back if his only reasons for coming back are financial. Make him earn you back, if he wants to come back. Make him EARN IT.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

It seems like you're sitting on the fence by choice. I get that there's this seeming mismatch between what he has said (I want out) and what he has done (not legally starting divorce proceedings, or even moving out his things from the house), but I think you're missing something. What he is saying is actually in line with what he is doing, when you consider that he had an extramartial affair. If that deed doesn't resonate with the words "I want out", I don't know what does.

As others have said, he made his choice and it seems final. Sad to say, it doesn't seem like his willing to work at your marriage. Him not starting the legal process might just reflect he doesn't know how or is overwhelmed with the way forward. Him keeping stuff at your house could just be more convenient for him than moving it out into a new place, or getting storage. Don't act off of these things. Act off of the affair, and him saying he wants out. Strong signals there.... don't ignore 'em!

And by the way, mid-life crisis is about a man buying a fancy sports car to feel younger (I'm already planning my crisis, so I know). It's not about abandoning one's wife and family, and having affairs, whether physical or emotional. Stop making excuses to explain the behavior of a sub-standard man, and get on with life. Your kids are almost grown, and you can get a piece of your combined net worth out of the divorce (so financial independence seems reasonable). Find a man who will stay committed, and not leave you for some random woman he knows very little about. Not cool on his part. Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk to a lawyer. At least begin to prepare yourself that it's over.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

henwen said:


> So what do I do? Wait it out? Listen to his words, and just get a lawyer myself? Has anyone else had experiences from a mid life crisis? thanks!


Wait to resume a marriage that was not very happy in the first place? Remember that you can't go back to what never was. 

Being in limbo is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. Take back control of your life and initiate divorce proceedings.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Since, this is a common law marriage, you need to speak to a lawyer as soon as possible to see what rights you have in your state. Your are going to have to look into division of property etc. 

Just to sit back a wait for this man to decide what to do with your marriage. Since, you are not legally married who knows if he can just get married with out having to give you some sort of notice. 

Please for your best interest, contact a lawyer.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

I read a lot about midlife crisis because initially I thought my H was going through one 5 years ago after an EA. He was only 34 but it fit. Most of the advice was to either move on with your life and divorce or move on with your life and stay separated eternally hoping he will come back. Either way you have to start focusing on yourself and detach from your H. He is no longer a safe person to give your trust, love and support to. You need to look out for yourself (because he is not!) and your kids because he may not do that right now. He might go out and spend all his/your retirement money, savings, etc. You need to consider the possibility of working somewhere else. He needs to financially support you and the kids no matter what he is doing. You might need lawyers to do that. 

Even if he comes back in 2-5 years do you think you will be able to move on and ever trust him again? No. Sometimes I hear people say their relationship is so much better after the affair. Are they making that up? Of course it's not going to be better. He broke the relationship and who knows if he will do it again. It's very sad and I am so sorry this happened. Protect your self financially then let the shock go down. Don't treat it like a midlife crisis. That sounds like a way to excuse bad behavior. 

I read the book Detach and Survive for wives of men having a midlife crisis. It was helpful. I also read Don't Call That Man. Both books focused on finding better boundaries with men and focusing on yourself. 

Good luck! Or better yet make your own luck happen.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Midlife crisis = psychobabble.

He had an affair and lost feelings for you. It's just that simple.
It happens all the time.

An emotional affair (your husband's was both most likely) is just as deadly to a relationship as a physical one.

The person starts investing emotions in someone wise, and their perception of their spouse changes.

You are advised to see a lawyer. That's good advice.

Wait on him? Why? He's clearly and concisely told you he is never coming back. 
He might. Why should you care?

He clearly doesn't value you, and you CAN and SHOULD find someone that does.

Very sorry. He's an asshat.


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## henwen (May 3, 2017)

Thank you all! I think I was at this point sub consciously and all your advice helped me to see it. I have an appt Monday for legal advice.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

I read a great book called "Coming Apart". It talks about relationships and why they end. 

I also hate the word "midlife crisis". I think it's BS. I do think that people get way too comfy in their marriages, stop communicating, and just live completely unconscious disconnected lives and we all think it's OK. It's not ok. So when one of us decides we're done living this crappy life we confront our spouse, or cheat or find a way to get out of it. I think cheating is a symptom not a cause. It's a way to tell your spouse you're done without gathering the chutzpah to actually say it, so you cheat and then it gets figured out. Easy out, don't pass go, don't go to jail just get divorced. You don't even need to talk about your relationship or go for counselling! 

Anyhow, I think he's been pretty clear, and while you are wanting to read into him leaving things in the house etc, it's possible he is doing this out of guilt and not because he wants to get back together. 

Stop waiting for this coward to return to you. Move on.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Keenwa Great book. I second This recommendation.

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