# How to approach wife who is questioning marriage?



## fromhusbandtobestfriend

Hi there,

My wife and I have known each other since middle school. We're now in our mid-20's, and have been married for 2 years and 7 months. No children. About 8 months ago, she received a better job offer and we moved, our first big move since college. After a few months of a long commute for me, we decided that now would be the time, if ever, for me to try starting my own business. So I left my job, and I work from home now. 

She was frustrated with some parts of her new job early on, but overall we were happy with the move because it put us closer to family. My wife's ultimate goal has always been to become a stay-at-home mom. 

About a month ago, she started spending more time with a new female friend. They are very similar in many ways, and as they both like physical touch, would often cuddle while we all spent time together. They liked having deep conversations, and the other female is a very strong, independent woman who had just had a break up recently. My wife helped her with some heavy personal issues, and when I didn't know what they were talking about when they spent time away from me, I questioned my wife and let her know I was feeling excluded. She was understanding and apologized, but told me the situation which was something the other female wouldn't want me to know. Things were fine, but the other female was at our place a majority of the time and left my wife and I with extremely minimal alone time.

Just under 2 weeks ago, my wife was becoming obviously distant. She just wasn't herself. When we finally had a weekend day alone together, she wanted to go out and do errands together, but I told her I was frustrated that we hadn't spend quality time together - something she used to always be concerned about - and wanted to just stay home with her. This prompted a conversation about what was going on with her. At that time, she just expressed some confusion and questioning her self identity.

Within 2 days, something had seriously gone wrong....I had become frustrated and we barely spoke one night. By the next night, she let me know that she was staying somewhere else, and has done so ever since (going on 8 days now). 

We've had a couple conversations since then. She wants her space and time to think. But when we got into it deeper, it seems to me as if she's found herself, atleast to a degree. She said that she discovered that she enjoys her job, realized she was good at what she does, and wants to be more involved than she used to be. (She's always been dedicated to our relationship, perhaps suggesting we spend more time together that I would've always recommended. For example, instead of sticking around to meet new people in her field at a conference, she'd go back to her room to call me. Being that we were together throughout college, I worry that she's making up for lost time in growing as an individual.) So, she explained, she's not sure how I fit into the picture any longer. 

We had an explosive night 2 nights ago....she said a lot of things that really broke my heart. She really isn't interested in working on the marriage....she feels as if its unfair to both of us if she needs convinced to be in love with me. It has nothing to do with wanting to be with someone else, she just isn't sure that I'm the one anymore, but she still loves me, cares about me, and wants to be best friends. However, she mentioned once that she almost wishes I'd find someone else so I would make this easier. She feels horrible that she's hurting me right now.

I checked in with her the following morning and she said that she still just felt that I was disrespecting her wishes to give her alone time. So we agreed that I wouldn't contact her until today, although we didn't make any specific plans. Since that time, I've done a lot of researching and found out that I truly do need to give her her space so I don't push her away even more. I've discovered a lot about our relationship, to the point that I feel ashamed that we never felt the need to learn before to ensure we had a healthy relationship that wasn't falling into routine. I accept the blame for any of my failures in not keeping the romance alive, although I'm sure to a degree its a shared problem. I feel like the addition of that female friend really drew a divide between us because we weren't spending enough time together and therefore forced a breaking point. Before that, the additional problem was that I often spend a lot of time away from her on the weekends because I'm a musician (which I offered to give up at our first conversation, but she remarked that she could never ask me to give up something that made me happy; I said she was what made me happy the most). 

I'm confident that as long as I handle this correctly, things will work out, but there is the threat of her leaving me, as she's very confident right now in her thoughts of needing to be away from me. I have yet to contact her since we made the agreement, and even though I hoped otherwise, she hasn't contacted me either. She had originally said that maybe she would come home this evening if I gave her space, mainly because we need to get a couple of things done before she leaves for a work trip this weekend (she originally wanted me to go but now I won't be). 

I've read some stuff online that describes our situation almost exactly, things about thinking that you're falling out of love, etc, and I'm anxious to start working on our relationship, but I'm looking for advice on how I should go about that and how long I should wait before trying it. Thanks so much for reading!


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## fromhusbandtobestfriend

I was thinking about it some more and thought that maybe this is a better way to phrase my question: 

if not spending enough time together is one of the primary causes of "falling out of love" (according to web sites like divorcebusting.com) then how do you begin to work on your marriage when your spouse wants her space? I'm concerned that giving her space will just solidify our problem, and I may never get the chance to attempt to fix the relationship.


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## pokergirl007

Sorry to say this but you cant fix the relationship if she is not wanting to be a willing participant. At this point I think that all you can do is give her some space show her that you are listening to her - maybe absense will make the heart grow fonder and maybe it wont but either way it wont work if she doesnt want it to and it sounds like she has been pretty clear about her feelings. It sucks but you need to just leave her be until she figures it out or until you are tired of waiting. You have handled it correctly up to this point, thats all you can do.


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## numb

I feel like I am in the same boat as your wife. I can understand your points and wanting to make it work. How long has she felt distant from you? I can say in my situation I have been distant from my husband for over a year and feel bad for him because hes a great guy I just dont love him. I have yet to have this conversation with him however he loves me and I know it will kill him when I tell him. 

I guess my only advice to you is if she has been distant for a while or had these feelings for a while it might be hard to make it work if she is already done. Maybe going to a counselor would help you and her out. Go as a couple. 

Sorry I couldnt offer more or better advice to you.
Hope it works out for you!


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## bestplayer

fromhusbandtobestfriend said:


> I was thinking about it some more and thought that maybe this is a better way to phrase my question:
> 
> if not spending enough time together is one of the primary causes of "falling out of love" (according to web sites like divorcebusting.com) then how do you begin to work on your marriage when your spouse wants her space? I'm concerned that giving her space will just solidify our problem, and I may never get the chance to attempt to fix the relationship.


my friend u need to give her space , right now more u try to talk with her , more complicated the situation will become . 
completely avoid calling , texting or emailing until she cointacts u .
If she has any feelings for u she will contact u , otherwise u can't work it out if she has no desire to get back.

best of luck


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## bestplayer

numb said:


> I feel like I am in the same boat as your wife. I can understand your points and wanting to make it work. How long has she felt distant from you? I can say in my situation I have been distant from my husband for over a year and feel bad for him because hes a great guy I just dont love him. I have yet to have this conversation with him however he loves me and I know it will kill him when I tell him.
> 
> I guess my only advice to you is if she has been distant for a while or had these feelings for a while it might be hard to make it work if she is already done. Maybe going to a counselor would help you and her out. Go as a couple.
> 
> Sorry I couldnt offer more or better advice to you.
> Hope it works out for you!


numb may i ask u why u married ur husband if u dont love him . as u said u dont but ur husband does love u , obviously only he will suffer ?


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## numb

When I got married to him I was head over heels for him. He was great. On our honeymoon things started to go south. Then over the last 3 years its been rough. He doesnt want to go out, doesnt want to do things unless it benefits him. He has lied to be over the past 3 years when I confront him with something. Its hard to trust when this happens. I care for him, hes a nice person I just feel he does nothing to keep our marriage going.


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## bestplayer

numb said:


> When I got married to him I was head over heels for him. He was great. On our honeymoon things started to go south. Then over the last 3 years its been rough. He doesnt want to go out, doesnt want to do things unless it benefits him. He has lied to be over the past 3 years when I confront him with something. Its hard to trust when this happens. I care for him, hes a nice person I just feel he does nothing to keep our marriage going.


numb , I think u seriously need to try marriage counselling .As u said he loves u , he has to show it by caring for ur needs too.
may be if the communication is better most of the issues can be resolved , provided that both of u really want this .

Best of luck


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## turnera

Everything you describe is indicative of an affair. It may not be a real affair, or she may be wondering if she wants to have a relationship with this female friend, but regardless, it has replaced you. Giving her space will only let her explore it further and give you no opportunity to show her what she's giving up.


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## sicksicksick

turnera said:


> Everything you describe is indicative of an affair. It may not be a real affair, or she may be wondering if she wants to have a relationship with this female friend, but regardless, it has replaced you. Giving her space will only let her explore it further and give you no opportunity to show her what she's giving up.


So how do we chase with space:scratchhead:


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## turnera

I don't understand the question.


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## sicksicksick

turnera said:


> Giving her space will only let her explore it further and give you no opportunity to show her what she's giving up..




My impression from this was that he shouldn't give her space. Well not to much anyway because as you said, he won't have the opportunity to show her what she's giving up.

Sorry for the misunderstanding in my "chase with space" comment.I guess my question is, how much space should we give our spouses while trying to win them over, without losing it all by pushing them further away? 

fromhusbandtobestfriend stated, he's concerned that giving her space will just solidify the problem, and that he may never get the chance to attempt to fix their relationship, as you said.


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## turnera

I agree. Over at marriagebuilders.com - a VERY successful plan for recovering marriages - they say to almost NEVER separate if you are trying to repair the marriage. It goes against reason, especially in the case of a wayward spouse. If you give them 'space,' it means they are free to pursue the other person without you watching or judging. How can that save a marriage?

It's basically a tough love approach to marriage and I highly believe in it from a psychological standpoint. A person who is 'wandering' - be it because of another person or simply because they're wondering what life is like without you - cannot see the good in you if you give them space. 

Their plan includes becoming an amazing spouse by learning how to stop Love Busting them and by learning their most important Emotional Needs. It means to STOP LBing them (making them unhappy) and meeting ALL their ENs (instead of letting someone ELSE meet their needs when you give them 'space'). This is especially true with wayward wives, compared to husbands. Typically a wayward husband just wants more or better sex. But the wife wants better communication, listening, and caring.

You can't be the one providing that if you give them space. You can't show them that you CAN be that person to give them all of that and meet all their ENs, if you move out.

Will they be irritated if you don't move out? Probably. But so what? Your marriage can survive irritation, even anger from your spouse. It can't survive a third person and it can't survive you not being there to show her what you CAN provide.


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## sicksicksick

turnera said:


> I agree. Over at marriagebuilders.com - a VERY successful plan for recovering marriages - they say to almost NEVER separate if you are trying to repair the marriage. It goes against reason, especially in the case of a wayward spouse. If you give them 'space,' it means they are free to pursue the other person without you watching or judging. How can that save a marriage?
> 
> It's basically a tough love approach to marriage and I highly believe in it from a psychological standpoint. A person who is 'wandering' - be it because of another person or simply because they're wondering what life is like without you - cannot see the good in you if you give them space.
> 
> Their plan includes becoming an amazing spouse by learning how to stop Love Busting them and by learning their most important Emotional Needs. It means to STOP LBing them (making them unhappy) and meeting ALL their ENs (instead of letting someone ELSE meet their needs when you give them 'space'). This is especially true with wayward wives, compared to husbands. Typically a wayward husband just wants more or better sex. But the wife wants better communication, listening, and caring.
> 
> You can't be the one providing that if you give them space. You can't show them that you CAN be that person to give them all of that and meet all their ENs, if you move out.
> 
> Will they be irritated if you don't move out? Probably. But so what? Your marriage can survive irritation, even anger from your spouse. It can't survive a third person and it can't survive you not being there to show her what you CAN provide.


I have to sleep on that its late here. Damn that is discouraging. Yes I know its tough love.

Of course now its 3:15am & I can't sleep. I'm sorry I feel this isn't appropiate but Turnera, I could really use your wisdom & If I may, will you check out my thread please. I'm sorry if I offended any rules here.


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## fromhusbandtobestfriend

turnera said:


> Everything you describe is indicative of an affair. It may not be a real affair, or she may be wondering if she wants to have a relationship with this female friend, but regardless, it has replaced you. Giving her space will only let her explore it further and give you no opportunity to show her what she's giving up.


I've discussed this on another forum and really began to understand the situation as an emotional affair. But the other forum said that I need to have boundaries (I require you to stop seeing the other person and to go through marriage counseling) and stick to them. If she doesn't agree, then I enact consequences. Because having an affair (which is making her question her love to me) is not acceptable to me in a marriage, then I told her I would move out. While I agree with your thoughts, turnera, I have come to realize that you have to stand up for your beliefs and morals, or you get walked on. I think that even if my wife doesn't consciously acknowledge it, she's lost respect for me for just clinging to the hope of showing her what I offer. She recognizes that I'm a good, caring guy, but that's not enough for her right now. And because I've been pretty nice about it so far, she sees the possibility of keeping me as a friend. I need to show her that I'm serious about leaving because of her actions (with the hopes that she realizes she doesn't want to live without me.) I can't compromise my standards for a wife and be her best friend after that.


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## turnera

The point is that, once she DOES enter into an affair, everything she thinks she feels and knows gets screwed up. So you are now dealing with a drug addict. Are you going to step aside so she can get more drug, or are you going to stand in front of her, to keep the drug from getting to her, protecting her? You can't protect her from it if you move out.

It's your choice. But women don't respect men who don't fight for what they want; it's biological. That good caring guy? Boring. She wants more of that sexy drug.


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## sicksicksick

turnera said:


> The point is that, once she DOES enter into an affair, everything she thinks she feels and knows gets screwed up. So you are now dealing with a drug addict. Are you going to step aside so she can get more drug, or are you going to stand in front of her, to keep the drug from getting to her, protecting her? You can't protect her from it if you move out.
> 
> It's your choice. But women don't respect men who don't fight for what they want; it's biological. That good caring guy? Boring. She wants more of that sexy drug.


I'm that caring guy who she now thinks is weak. I stood up to the man I thought she was having an affair with. Twice as big as me but I hit him. I'm no fighter but I knew I would fight for her without question. I demanded that she fight for her marriage in a letter & then wrote that she's free to go, that it was her decision & no matter what, I'd accept that answer because it was her choice. Now you're writing that we need to step up!
How can I do that? Demand she returns home without question to work on our marriage? Text & call her everyday? Its a bloody fine line I'm walking here trying not to futher push her further away but Tunera I feel like you are describing my wife.


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## turnera

sss, I'm not trying to be rude, really I'm not. I just know that there are people who will hurt (emotionally) and there are those who won't. Unfortunately, those who will, SEEM to control things because they can hurt us so badly.

I only want you to see that a betrayed spouse DOES have some control - it's just in what he will accept. No, you can't make your spouse do anything. You can improve yourself, find out what hand you played in her deciding to stray and fix THAT so it won't be an issue any longer. And you can say to your spouse, 'THIS is what I will accept in a marriage...and it doesn't include cheating.'

And then step back and let her make her own choice. I'm just trying to say that all the people I see here who get terrified their WS will walk and then make concessions all over the place just to get them to not leave...steeling yourself to no longer be terrified over whether she walks is what you need.

If she leaves, then you didn't have a marriage you should be invested in, anyway. If she stays because, out of fear, you say, 'honey, I don't care, go ahead and see him if you have to, as long as you don't move out'...then you don't have a marriage either; you have a painful farce. But if you say 'you have to be faithful, or I can't remain married to you' and she stays, then you have a marriage worth saving.

If you told her she's free to go if she won't be faithful...well, that's all you can do. But doing that is far better than begging her to stay. That's what I was trying to say.

Basically, it's not about pushing her away - which is a fear-based reaction or action - it's about stating your boundaries, giving her lots of reasons to choose you, and then seeing what she decides. It is that loss of fear that makes you more attractive.

Does that make more sense?


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## sicksicksick

turnera said:


> .
> 
> Basically, it's not about pushing her away - which is a fear-based reaction or action - it's about stating your boundaries, giving her lots of reasons to choose you, and then seeing what she decides. It is that loss of fear that makes you more attractive.
> 
> Does that make more sense?


Yes I understand now & you weren't being rude. I'm an emotional wreak right now. Weak- I don't care.


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## cb45

HELLO.....ANY FOLLOW UP HERE ????:scratchhead:

I agree w/ tunera in most respects, except i'd put it alittle more

bluntly.

If u really want to "win" her back, u r going to have to swallow

alot of yer pride just to perform the "risky manuevers"

nec to do so. don't know what pride is worth to you, your call.

If you want to maintain some dignity, then hardline approach

is what u'll have to take, in most respects.

By what u write "Husband/friend", i'd say u sound like door

(mat?) no.1 who's in for alot of pain w/ poorer chances for 

victory. If u were older than 20's, i'd say u need to grow

a pair of....., but u'r not. For i too remember the way

women can jerk u around when u'r young and trying to 

"evolve", and thusly cut u some slack.

I dont like ur chances, mate. hope i'm wrong, but based

on what u wrote, dont like 'em at all. Godspeed H/F !

ANY FOLLOW UP HERE ???? :sleeping: ----------cb


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