# Can't get passed all the hurt...considering divorce



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello,

Some of you on here have been following my EA thread for the past few months, and the end result from that is that it has ended, and we are still trying to fix our marriage.

My biggest challenge has been getting passed all the hurt of the 8 years of emotional/verbal/financial abuse. We are reading all the recommended books, he is doing all that he can to be the model husband. He has admitted he is starting to loose hope for us, because all he is doing is having no affect on me.

When I look at him, I still see the man who has caused me so much anguish, hurt, and pain even though he is a changed man, nothing is bringing my heart back into this marriage. I feel too far gone, and don't know how to put myself back into it.

My soul and spirit have been beaten down, by not only my HB abusive behavior, but by all of the men in my life who have abused me. I feel so deeply that I need to move on, and take a very long period of time to be single, and heal myself. I have NO INTEREST in getting into another relationship, but just want to be alone without a man. To focus on healing an becoming a better person, and Mother. I feel have been so consumed trying to "survive" and "fix" this marriage that i have not been the best Mom I can be. I feel if I move on, I may be able to focus on what really matters, but feel stifled around my HB now and always have...I am so lost.

I am reading books on how to make this transition easier for the kids, should it happen, and how to keep it out of court to prevent a big battle. I am to see a family mediator in September (couldn't get in any sooner) to explore my rights/options etc.

Until then I will stay put in our family home...keep reading the piles of marriage help books and accept where I am right now...for now.

This is killing me a little more everyday. When I look at my kids I feel so sad that we couldn't get this right. But staying in an unhappy marriage that is no longer working is not doing them any favors. We are demonstrating that we are trying to do all we can to work on it, we are not giving up easily and are putting a lot of thought and consideration into the consequences if we should part ways. There is so much to consider I can see why people stay in miserable marriages for all the wrong reasons...I am just not sure I can do that anymore.


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## jdj (Jul 12, 2010)

Sorry to hear it. Your original thread was what gave me so much hope in my own situation, my wife had an EA. Maybe it will still work out for you. Here's hoping.

My wife also says I've done things to hurt her long term over the years. I don't see it as being as bad as her, alot of it stems from her own personality traits and so I like to say to her that she had a choice too. Maybe she could have been more adamant about me needing to change things. It takes two people to come to this situation. 

All the best to you flowergirl


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

Well, I could have typed this post almost word for word. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I have two small kids at home (6 & 3) and I also feel that this has consumed me. I feel like a horrible mother and my emotions have been all over the board and I've been obsessed with this since finding out. 

Sometimes I feel that if I leave with the kids it will be better (see my thread "Just a mess today").

I feel for you, I really do. I wish there was some magic word I could say that would make this all better, but there's not.

All I can say is good luck to you with whatever you decide. Either way, it's a long, long road.


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## alabama (Aug 6, 2010)

must be a large boat as i'm with you all. HB affair was 4m, but the years of of him being a jerk a lot of the time over the past 12ys and me putting up with it makes it hard to see how this can end well. 2 kids here too, 6m and 10yrs.
HB is doing "everything right" and wants to focus on the present and future, but yeah, my heart isn't the same


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

In all the reading i have done on this subject..it is scary how common it is! I wonder if living with one person for life is unrealistic? Whose idea was this anyways ?!?!
I realize it takes a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy MG, but i somehow believe that it shouldn't equal pain and anguish and emotional turmoil! Is that how it is meant to be...if so I think I want to live alone for the rest of my life!

We need some words of inspiration and wisdom here from people who have been there done THIS so we know what path to take!


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

With my husband it was differnt. I thought we were in a rut and had periodically asked if things were alright with us. He kept saying everything was fine. The nastyness didn't appear until after I found out. So 2 yrs I've been dealing with him being angry etc.. and with my emotional roller coaster. I really don't know whether I'm coming or going. I think what would be better to stay or leave. What would be better for the kids. Would they turn out alright if we divorced etc... Crazyness. Pure crazyness.

I do think people can be together for life if you find the right person. I feel communication is so important (as we all know), but it's hard when one person tries and the other doesn't, it's so confusing.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

I've followed your situation since I began posting on this board. As an outside perspective, the biggest thing I could see helping would be to find things that you can enjoy doing together. You have to be friends and enjoy the other person's company before you can fall in love again. I don't think it's impossible and can definitely see where you're coming from as far as seeing his past.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> My biggest challenge has been getting passed all the hurt of the 8 years of emotional/verbal/financial abuse. We are reading all the recommended books, he is doing all that he can to be the model husband. He has admitted he is starting to loose hope for us, because all he is doing is having no affect on me.










The fog is strong in this one.​
Of course your husband is starting to lose hope. You are concentrating on ending the marriage! Your focus is on the magnifying the negative, minimizing the positive, etc., etc. No one claimed this would be easy nor instant. 

Your husband is willing to work. Hard. And even change for you. How many men can you find that would be willing to do so? 

You want things to be instantly great - that could take a lot of time - especially if it took a while to fall apart. Balancing your determination to divorce on the fact that things aren't going as fast as you wanted - or had planned - is unfair to you. And your husband. Unrealistic expectations precede a fall...


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

My wife had the same problems you did FG. She had problems reconnecting because we weren't doing things together that would help us reconnect. We just stayed together and kept going at life. It takes serious and hard work to get back there and it's tough. She also had the feelings that if she jumped back in that I would just revert back and she'd be in the same boat.
It took her getting pregnant with a baby she thought might be someone elses and seeing that I was there for her still to finally get over those feelings. (obviously other issues with us now, but hey....that problem is solved) lol 
If you want it badly enough, it can be done. 
Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Tanelornpete,
She mentioned her husband is abusive and all the men in her life have been. I normally totally agree with you but in this case I do not. This isn't about being instant or easy. This is about abuse. At no point does she mention what HE is doing to make this right. She talks about that she is reading books and trying to work on herself. It appears the only thing her husband has done is to end the affair. I don't see how she is wrong here in trying to end the marriage. Am I missing something? What's going on?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Respectfully, Brennan, I do disagree with you and here's why. In the post in which Flower mentions that her husband was abusive, here are here exact words: 



> _That aside though-ever since my affair intensified and came out 2 months ago (I told my HB) I feel I have emotionally checked out from my marriage completely. *My HB is doing ALL the right things to try and fix our broken marriage-trying to be the HB I have needed all these years,to make up for the bad ways he treated me*, but I just feel my love is gone-like I am empty. In the 9 years we have been together-most of that has been very unhealthy, he WAS very emotionally abusive, and treated me very poorly. He did change some of his abusive ways, but still mistreated me in many other ways, and it continued no matter what I did to change it. This resulted in my eventually giving up and checking out-then along comes the OM, lighting the fire that has been out for many years, and it made me really see that I was not in my MG anymore-especially since I became attached to another man.This was not ME..I value trust and faithfulness in a marriage ... something is very wrong here!!_


Please note that at the time she wrote this, she was an active disloyal who came here to basically ask for help with ending her affair with the OM. She took some time off work (a month I think) to try to cut off contact with the OM, deal with her marriage, and try to get feelings back for her husband, and this was written a few days before returning back to working with the OM...at a time when she was having a SERIOUS, SERIOUS relapse. 

Am I saying that she's lying or that her hubby was not emotionally abusive? No. I what I am saying, to her face, is that spoken from true disloyal dizziness, she had to have *some* reason for committing adultery when she herself says she's not that kind of person. Oh yeah! There is that magic buzzword "abuse"! Leaving an abusive person is good justification for falling for another man--mention that word and people practically encourage you to divorce!

It is my personal opinion that when Flower begins to fog over or relapse, she does what many disloyals do: magnify the "bad" in the husband and marriage and "rewrite history" to explain why she's doing what she knows is wrong. Have you ever heard of a woman in an affair taking out a restraining order on her husband--claiming abuse, threats, or being afraid of him--and then moving the lover into the house? How about a disloyal spouse using claims of abuse to get custody and better child support? And by the way I say all this as someone who really did survive HORRIBLE physical-mental-emotional abuse as a child, and physical-mental-emotional abuse at the hand of my exH, so I'm well versed in domestic violence and what abuse is and is not--including being an advocate for MEN who are being abused by their wives (because guess what wives: if it is assault if they lay a finger on you...it is assault if you punch, kick and scratch them, and there is no national support system for abused men!). So nope just because someone says the magic word of "abuse" here does not mean it's an automatic free card to divorce. 

First I note that the first and main times this so called "abuse" is brought up is when Flower is in a period of deep disloyal fog. My guess is that by continuing to still work with the OM, even though she spoke to the HR dept. as if it were a sexual harassment situation, that the ongoing contact is a continual reminder of the "affair fantasy" she thought she had (even though he was telling those same lines to every woman in the company). This constantly reminds her that "she deserved better" and "someone could really love you" and "you only live once, you should be happy"--aka the lies that people/the media/society tells us is "love". An Affair is NOT a love story!!! 

Second I note that every...literally EVERY time she brings up the "abuse", is it accompanied by saying that her husband is not that person any longer, that he has changed and is changing and is the one working on the marriage. Here is a quote from her first "abuse" thread: 


> ...my HB and I have 2 daughters together, a house, 2 brand new shiny vehicles, he makes good money and is a good provider and a good Dad, and now because of what has happened, is motivated to work on himself, and become the 'Man of my dreams'...


Even in THIS thread she write: 


> ...We are reading all the recommended books, he is doing all that he can to be the model husband. He has admitted he is starting to loose hope for us, because all he is doing is having no affect on me....When I look at him, I still see the man who has caused me so much anguish, hurt, and pain *even though he is a changed man*...


 so it seems obvious that her hubby has, for whatever reason, seen the light and realized his issues and is willing to work on himself and address himself! 


I personally believe the HEART of Flowers issues ares here: 



> My soul and spirit have been beaten down, by not only my HB abusive behavior, but by all of the men in my life who have abused me. I feel so deeply that I need to move on, and take a very long period of time to be single, and heal myself. I have NO INTEREST in getting into another relationship, but just want to be alone without a man. To focus on healing an becoming a better person, and Mother. I feel have been so consumed trying to "survive" and "fix" this marriage that i have not been the best Mom I can be. I feel if I move on, I may be able to focus on what really matters, but feel stifled around my HB now and always have...I am so lost.


In this paragraph I think we see what the real problem is. Flower, was previously in what she calls "a very abusive relationship," and then came into this one (which she also says is abusive). I would say that indicates a pattern, wouldn't you? And I would say that most likely, if we assume that they actually WERE abusive, that when her hubby changed that is also changed the dynamic she is used to: abuse. Now it's becoming less and less comfortable for her to continue in the pattern she knew as familiar (the abusive pattern) and now she has to either leave or face herself and change to a new, healthier pattern! Facing herself and changing to a new, healthy relationship pattern is Unfamiliar and Scary--and so even though it is abusive, at least its what she KNOWS and what she knows how to deal with...and if she leaves she also avoids having to face herself or change!

Flower could very easily stay in her marriage and tell her husband, "I need to go to a support group for partners of abusers so I can learn how to be more assertive and how to handle anger and relationships in a more healthy way." She could very easily keep her family together and not hurt her children by going to individual counseling and "healing" at home. People don't have to be single to "heal." People don't have to be single to become better parents either! 

Further, being single really does NOT make someone a better parent. Lets see--the kids lose half the time with their other parent, can't just share a quick moment or a goodnight kiss anymore when they are at "his" house, aren't "at home" for Thanksgiving or Christmas, have half their stuff at one house and the rest at the other house....how is that better parenting again? How is it better for the kids to have a lot lower lifestyle, not be able to have their own father rush in the room if they have a nightmare, and not share a silly sick day with mom "because it's not her day"? 

So I would make this challenge. From the so-called victim of the abuse I don't hear ANYTHING that indicates the abuse is continuing or that her husband isn't completely willing to be personally responsible, look at his own self and his actions, deal with himself, and work on his own issues...including abusive tendencies. When the VICTIM indicates its not happening, and there is reason to believe it's not just an extended "wooing/hearts & flowers" portion of the Cycle of Abuse then I do have to admit: Okay if HE is working on himself and being a better man, husband, and father...what is Flower doing to be a better woman, wife, and mother?



> I am reading books on how to make this transition easier for the kids, should it happen, and how to keep it out of court to prevent a big battle. I am to see a family mediator in September (couldn't get in any sooner) to explore my rights/options etc.


Rather than working on facing her issues as the partner of an abuser, she's looking how to justify running away. Rather than working on facing her disloyal dizzy fogginess and working on facing her own Love Extinguishers, restarting Love Kindlers, and learning how to become a better wife, she's looking how to justify running away. Rather than working on facing the realities of divorce and how much that harms her children, she's looking how to justify running away. 

Flower, this is not to put blame on you. It's to make things clear. You are NEVER going to heal or get better by running away and not facing reality. If you want to heal, you can do it in your marriage by going to therapy for someone who was abused (I did...for years! And look how much it helped me!) If you want to heal, you can do it in your marriage by doing what you know is RIGHT and MORAL--not by justifying what you know is wrong. If you want to heal, you can become a better woman and person by being honest and working on YOURSELF. Become a better WIFE and by actually learning how to stop the Love Extinguishers you do...and learning how to restart the Love Kindlers that you stopped doing. Being single does not fix all this. Running away does not fix this. Taking a step up to the plate, being honest with yourself, working on yourself and your own issues...these things WILL fix it. 


He Ain't the Leaving Kind


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Flower it takes some time to get through this, do not think of seperation as the EA is still raw on the mind. Time will heal you, your husband and marraige.

Bless you


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

As usual AC..you give me lots to consider! 

Some things I want to clarify though. I am reading several books right now and am trying to move passed the hurt to get to a place where I can trust my HB again..not all the books are on divorce. We are reading His Needs... together as was suggested to me. Divorce Busting, and I am reading one on how to heal after being in abusive relationships. I just feel in order to make the final decision on weather to stay or go, I need to have all of the relevant info. including talking to a mediator to find out my rights if we do separate. My HB tells me i will be left with sweet nothing in the end so I need to protect myself so I don't get screwed.

Also, I in fact did clarify with my boss that the OM and I DID form an innapropriate relationship, but the reason I felt I had to come forward is that he was not listening to me when I told him it has to stop. Now that it has come to this, it will stop (hopefully) as his job has been threatened. I am sure I am not worth him losing his job over. 

I really am trying to do what is right here, and have decided not to decide on anything for now...but am leaning towards moving on without my HB. Hopefully something miraculous happens that changes my outlook and feelings towards him in the meantime...it is possible to start over from scratch I suppose...but do I have what it takes to do that? 

I agree I need to work on myself and am doing so. Thanks for the advice Affaircare


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> As usual AC..you give me lots to consider!
> 
> Some things I want to clarify though. I am reading several books right now and am trying to move passed the hurt to get to a place where I can trust my HB again..not all the books are on divorce. We are reading His Needs... together as was suggested to me. Divorce Busting, and I am reading one on how to heal after being in abusive relationships. I just feel in order to make the final decision on weather to stay or go, I need to have all of the relevant info. including talking to a mediator to find out my rights if we do separate. My HB tells me i will be left with sweet nothing in the end so I need to protect myself so I don't get screwed.
> 
> ...


I guess your H must have seen it coming after finding out how you felt for OM & that you are still not over him. 

Your H is loosing hope because you dont want to let anything change your feelings towards him . No matter how hard he tries he will get dumped because this situation is just one-sided . A very common scenario . Dont you think you should let him know if you are already planning to move on without him ?

Best of luck


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

flowergirl77 said:


> In all the reading i have done on this subject..it is scary how common it is! I wonder if living with one person for life is unrealistic? Whose idea was this anyways ?!?!
> I realize it takes a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy MG, but i somehow believe that it shouldn't equal pain and anguish and emotional turmoil! Is that how it is meant to be...if so I think I want to live alone for the rest of my life!
> 
> We need some words of inspiration and wisdom here from people who have been there done THIS so we know what path to take!


* ....I wonder if living with one person for life is unrealistic......? *
I think for some people it is realistic but there are some people who get bored of their partner after some time & need someone new .


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> In all the reading i have done on this subject..it is scary how common it is! I wonder if living with one person for life is unrealistic? Whose idea was this anyways ?!?!


I have noticed something kind of interesting, Flower. You have several times said something to the effect: "...well we're reading all the marriage and infidelity recovery books, and the love just isn't returning..." I would like to point out to you that reading is black ink on white paper formatted on a page and bound into an easily portable container. Reading does not "fix" the marriage--DOING what the books recommend is what begins the recovery process. DOING means that the book is put down and *both* partners actually ACT...making the attempt to do some new that they had not done before. 

In this instance I have heard you say several times that you and your hubby are reading, and I have heard you say that your hubby is being the kind of husband you always wanted (which to me implies at least some actions and changes on his part)...so the missing ingredient may be you. Are you actually putting the book down and integrating NEW ACTIONS and NEW THOUGHTS into your daily life? 

One thing you could do is read the books out loud with your hubby and then discuss them afterward...and even discuss different methods how you might DO what that chapter suggested. Another thing you could do, since it sounds like you do like to read books, is to order "Five Steps to Romantic Love" by Dr. Harley over at MarriageBuilders. This is actually a workbook to help couples APPLY what they learn and read in "His Needs Her Needs" and "Lovebusters." The five steps that it takes to rebuild romantic love: 


*make a commitment to overcome marital conflicts*,
identify habits that cause unhappiness,
learn to overcome those habits,
identify the most important emotional needs, and
learn to meet those needs.



> I realize it takes a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy MG, but i somehow believe that it shouldn't equal pain and anguish and emotional turmoil! Is that how it is meant to be...if so I think I want to live alone for the rest of my life!
> 
> We need some words of inspiration and wisdom here from people who have been there done THIS so we know what path to take!


Okay here I am--what words of inspiration and wisdom do you need? As you know, my ex was disloyal to me--so I understand the pain and utter devastation of that side of infidelity--and I was disloyal once myself in my current marriage--so I understand how it's not your character but you talk yourself into it and it's easy to slip into if you're not on guard and what it's like to try to rebuild love. 

I honestly think that being with one person for a lifetime is realistic if both are willing to mature and grow together, and both make the commitment to do the personal work it takes to be intimate with someone for a lifetime. I think what often happens is that one or the other starts to grow or change (like when I was going to counseling for my past physical abuse) and my ex was abusive himself and didn't really want to stop. The commitment was not there to do the personal work to stay intimate--he preferred the "Power Over" style of relationship rather than the "Mutual Respect" style! On the other hand, we Dear Hubby and I had our wake up call, we both really did not want the marriage to end and made the commitment to face our own selves and do what we had to do even if it was hard or scary. 

Based on what you write only, it seems to me that there are two things that would make a major difference for you in rebuilding love for your husband: 1) Work through your own issues as the abused partner and learn how to be in a healthy relationship and 2) Learn how to retrain your mind to rewrite the voice inside your head. Working on #1 does not need to be done outside your marriage, and in fact if your husband is working through his abusive tendencies now, it would be "best practices" for him to learn how to NOT be abusive but respectful and then have a partner who could respond and is used to a cycle of respect rather than a cycle of abuse. So the two of you would each work on your own side of it (him on his anger management and controlling, you on your assertiveness and self-worth) and it would gradually build more and more positively. And working on #2 means that right now your head still hears past abuse that isn't happening anymore, or still hears negative thoughts about being here, or still hears how leaving is happier and a lot of those thoughts are foggy at best or downright lies at worst! So take the time to RETRAIN your mind when you start hearing that old voice replaying in your head. When a negative, past thought starts, learn how to *STOP!* and then replace it with a positive or PRESENT thought. If you remember, I put up yellow post-it notes all over the house, and when I saw them, I said them out loud so that both my mind and my EAR heard them! Eventually what your ear hears it what you start thinking about. Also purposefully do things with your husband that both of you enjoy! Do you like watching "Warehouse 13" together? Do it and hold hands...and then enjoy that moment as it is happening...and remember it after it happened. Make sense?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Yes all of that makes perfect sense. I am currently reading a book on healing from abusive relationships and realize that this is at the root of how our marriage ran into the ditch. My husband was very manipulative, insulting, controlling and made me feel like **** just to be in the same room with him. He belittled my ideas and questioned everything I said and did, corrected my grammar and always made me feel stupid. I still second guess every little decision I make for fear he will not approve. I used to think it was normal to have a knot in my stomach when he was around, or was on his way home...I began to realize with reading on Verbal/Emotional abuse that this was my spirit crying out that something was very wrong!! 

So it has been 3 months of him giving this his 100% effort, trying to make up for the past 9 years, but I feel dead inside for him and our marriage. So how do I hold hands with him when I don't even want to be in his presence? To me, this is my soul telling me something is not right, and I don't want to just ignore it any longer. I have done that since I was a little kid! I want to listen to my inner voice and what it is telling me. So what does this mean, to feel dead, numb and bitter..like all I am here for is my kids and financial security..not to be with him anymore? Affair care, is it not possible that a marriage has caused too much hurt for too long to be repaired? I think of it like a car wreak...we have collided, and my car is a write-off. If it is a write-off, no amount o repair is going to make it shiny and new...I need a new car.

Our relationship was never healthy, and began on very shaky ground. I feel it was doomed from the start.

I am not trying to challenge you, and take in what you have wrote...it just doesn't resonate with me because I don't feel I have it in me to do what it takes anymore...I am so tired and worn out.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You can move on but that doesn't mean you will be happy. It just means you'll move on. I trust you have learned that every relationship requires an effort to maintain. You doomed to fsilure and to repeat your mistakes if you can't figure this out. 
Hasn't anything that has been related to you on this site by your principle advisers been incorrect yet? This will not be fixed in another week. It will take months and you must follow the "script" to be successful. Maybe you need to have an actual person speak or eet with you. To hold your hand and offer support. AC and Pete can do that. Or one of the Harleys. All reasonably priced. Please consider that before throwing all this away.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

How do you get help from the Harleys? I wasn't aware of that possibility. We have a MG councilor we are seeing, but I am looking for many different perspectives and am open to others advice.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

They have info on how to contact them on their website (=


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## jackwhyte (Jul 16, 2010)

FG77 - not to sound too harsh, but it seems like your HB is doing all the right things to correct his past behavior and most of the issues lie with you. Take it from a fellow man, to look at yourself and change is not an easy task. I am only reading what you wrote but I can sense a lot of hurt and pain and doubt in you. I can see why you are concerned, however, that concern is keeping you from fully embracing your new husband. It also seems like you have some personal iissues to deal with. From my experience, the best way to deal with that is through counselling and personal reflection. Having an understanding and supportive partner, which I can assume you no have with your HB, can also a big part of your personal healing. Also, remember FG, love, for the most part, is actions. Even when you absolutely do not feel it, you should do loving things. Over time love will be rebuilt. My suggestion for you FG is too put on your work boots and go to work on your marriage and yourself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have had two revelations today while I was considering what's going on here and why. On another thread (I cheated, I left..am I doing the right thing?, post #3) you wrote: 



> This OM was married as well, has a kid, and is 15 years older than me...what was I thinking? But I was hooked, *and still am in a way (I still have to work with this guy).* I know that we can not continue what we were doing since it almost became the end of me emotionally-*but the feelings still get stirred up when I am around him.*


So in your own words, by your own admittance, even though you are scheduled opposite schedules with the OM...you periodically see him and have contact. Now you can see why Tanelorn and I so vehemently stand for NO CONTACT...NONE...EVER! As long as the contact continues--even just seeing him, or hearing about him, or anything--the fog can grow and roll back in. 

Then on another thread (She says it's therapeutic, post #24) I wrote: 



> Right now you caught your wife before she got too very addicted, *but that does not mean the addiction is over* because you found it. You found proof that it was inappropriate and good for her, she voluntarily agreed to stop the affair and work on the marriage. Now I think both of you need to talk about and understand The Purpose Of No Contact. In order to move on from the affair, she will have to agree to ending all contact with the OM, and letting go of the ways in which the affair developed. *That means she can not "check" on him or let him know how she's doing, or even know if he's hurting or tell him that she is!* NO CONTACT...EVER, and it has to be immediate, absolute and permanent.
> 
> It needs to be immediate because *every time there is contact, even if they don't "talk to each other" it is damaging to the marriage and disrespectful to the loyal spouse. Every time she "checks on him" the affair addiction continues as does the foggy justifications for the affair.* Just check on the thread by Flowergirl777 to see what ongoing contact does to the marriage, to her way of thinking, and to her lack of recovery! It can not "taper off"--there has to be no contact in real life, on email, on chat, on the phone, on IM or ANY OTHER WAY. *Then and only then can the disloyal spouse go through the withdrawal stage and slowly get over the thrilling zing of the affair (which biologically is actually an amphetamine release in the brain).* Once withdrawal is done and the disloyal is no longer addicted to the affair, then both of the spouses can really work on themselves and make the marriage happy and loving! *As long as the contact continues (even "checking"), she will not go through withdrawal and the addiction to the affair will continue--AND she will not be able to recover and rebuild a new marriage. *She will say she feels "numb" and it will seem like spinning wheels because nothing gets done.


Please remember Flowergirl--even go back and read them--that when you took your one month sabbatical from work, you wrote that you were beginning to get back feelings for your husband...and do you know why? Because you went through the withdrawal from the addicting affair zing (what you called "...the feelings still get stirred up when I am around him") and the fog began to clear so that you were available to start new feelings. By returning to work, basically what you've done is like an alcoholic going back to the bar and "just having a sip...just another little sip." Is that an effective way to treat alcoholism? Why not? Then why do you think it's an effective way to treat this addiction to the affair chemistry? 

Being absolutely, positively, 100% away from the OM so that you never, ever again have to run into him, see him, speak to him, write to him, email him, chat with him, call him, or IM with him will put you into withdrawal from the affair and from the flood of chemicals that hit you even now when "...the feelings still get stirred up when I am around him." The fact is though that in order to end this, once and for all, I sincerely believe you're going to have to leave that job and really go into 100% Deep Dark Solid No Contact. So yet again, I ask you directly to rise to the occasion, to endure the cost of your choice to be unfaithful, and to get a different job. Quit if you must--transfer to something else...somewhere else if you can--apply for other jobs ASAP. But get out of there away from him, and you and your hubby get away to do some reconnecting.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower, I am so sorry it has come to this for u. I don't know what to tell u except I know perfectly what u r going through. My ea is a yr ago now, I haven't seem tom in 2 months he is away on holidays, but I have to agree with the above mentioned no contact, no visual. I am telling u straight. It hurts, kills me inside even not to see him but, my hb and I r getting along alot better, I still think about tom everyday but I know if I see him I will be in emotional turmoil again. I was on holidays for 2 weeks away from home camping it was great with my husband and 1 teenager, as soon as we got home I was miserable again, it all has to do with fantasy, camping was not reality, we were away nothing mattered, got back home everything was trouble again. So I think listen to them about your job, told u before


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

sorry got cut off last message. Be strong get another job or just leave, I am telling u it gets better by not seeing him. I have alot of anger too and I've been married 21 yrs and 3 kids later, we don't have money either like u and I just lost my job after 9 yrs so now I don't know what I will do,I know I can't go running to tom, trust me I really want to I have so much to tell him and ask him about his wife. I can't though because it would just undo all the work my husband and I have been doing together. Again think about it,give yourself a time line of 6 months even of no seeing or working or visual contact with tom, then if it still isn't better then leave, but u have to give you and your husband a chance a real chance and by seeing him at work its not fair to your hubby, u may think it doesn't matter but it does. I know from real life experience, i'am living it too. Be strong and stay in councelling, good luck write me back, we can support each other.


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