# I don’t know what to do…



## Miguel324 (Nov 11, 2021)

Sitting here a near the end of the year not sure what to do. 21 years married and feeling totally hurt, unwanted, sad. My wife and I have had sex once in the past 2 1/2 years. About a month after that one time I asked her if we could try to work toward more and she told me she hadn’t even wanted to that one time. It wasn’t too much of a surprise as it felt at the time like she didn’t want to.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for depression and came out of the first couple months recognizing that I didn’t ask for what I wanted or say how I felt. So I asked if there was anything I could do to get her interested and she immediately got angry and said I was making her feel guilty. I did make a real sincere effort to not be demanding but it didn’t work.

I tried again, a couple weeks later, just asking if we could kiss for a while. I wasn’t asking for sex or even to make out, just more than the single quick kiss our affection has become. She got mad again and said I was making her feel guilty.
She also said “fine, let’s just have sex” I responded that she didn’t want to, and that’s what was hurting, much more than the fact that we aren’t having sex.

She went to a doctor for menopause last year but that hasn’t helped. As part of that, the doctor found a polyp that he wanted to remove and test. It wasn’t cancer fortunately. She described that surgery as something she did for me when She got mad on these occasions.

I love my wife and am still incredibly attracted to her. Every time I look at her it just hurts so much though.

We have 4 children, oldest is 16. I don’t want to separate or divorce. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I don’t know what to do.

My last visit with my therapist she told me I should look up emotional abuse. I did and it really sounds like how my wife treats me, totally separate from our sex life.

i know there isn’t going to be a magic answer here. And, yes, I would like to go to couples therapy and even have a couple names. Just gotta find the energy to ask her.

thanks for listening.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

The fact is that she is not going to change, so you can either accept it or divorce. Sorry, that’s your only options. Your priority now must be your children, but if it were me, as soon as the youngest turned 18, I’d be gone.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you know why she doesn't want to have sex with you? Have you asked her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You two are going to need a sex therapist and even then your chances are slim. You don't come back easily from sex once in the last 900+ days, and reluctant sex at that. Your wife isn't sexually attracted to you anymore and that is all by impossible to come back from. Your only hope is that maybe if your wife see that her marriage and family are in jeopardy of being broken up she may realize the gravity of the situation and try to work with you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Was your sex life always that bad? If not, what happened 2.5 to 3 years ago? I have to ask, how was your marriage prior to that? Affection outside the bedroom? Do you go on dates and treat each other as someone you love or were you devolving to roommates who parent 3 kids? 
Also, are you both in healthy shape? Do you have a social life outside of marriage and work? Also, does she work outside of the house? The more info you provide, the better the advice you’ll receive.

But just based on what you’ve shared so far, I would make sure that she’s not getting her intimacy needs from an OM and is avoiding sex and kissing because she wants to be loyal to him.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

What was your wife like in the first years of your marriage? How was the sex? And when during the marriage did it taper off?

Are you overweight or let yourself go?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Miguel324 You talk a lot about what is happening between you and your wife...do you have any ideas about _why_ this is happening?

Over 21 years, what changed? Menopause maybe? How is your marriage outside the sexual issues?

Have there been any problems that she could be holding against you? Punishing you for?

Her reaction of anger is harsh. I think she is holding on to some deep hurt, or else has a disorder of some kind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Miguel324 said:


> My last visit with my therapist she told me I should look up emotional abuse. I did and it really sounds like how my wife treats me,


I think your therapist is correct. But since divorce isn’t possible, you are stuck with what you have.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If she is reacting with anger and attack to you wanting to have some marital love and affection this is a no-go. She is likely completely done with that aspect of your marriage.

You have a few basic options here. You can try to spend a couple more years and multiple thousands of dollars on marital counseling and sex therapy and you MIGHT be able to hold hands and cuddle on the couch without her pushing you away or verbally attacking you. 

Or you can do one of the following basic options -

- suck it up and live with it knowing that your sex life is over and spank to porn the rest of your life.

- try to get those needs met outside the marriage whether it be finding a girlfriend, escort, sugar baby etc etc.

- divorce her and try to find someone else that actually likes you.

Each of those options will have their own pros and cons and each will have its own risks and rewards.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Miguel324 said:


> Sitting here a near the end of the year not sure what to do. 21 years married and feeling totally hurt, unwanted, sad. My wife and I have had sex once in the past 2 1/2 years. About a month after that one time I asked her if we could try to work toward more and she told me she hadn’t even wanted to that one time. It wasn’t too much of a surprise as it felt at the time like she didn’t want to.
> 
> I’ve been seeing a therapist for depression and came out of the first couple months recognizing that I didn’t ask for what I wanted or say how I felt. So I asked if there was anything I could do to get her interested and she immediately got angry and said I was making her feel guilty. I did make a real sincere effort to not be demanding but it didn’t work.
> 
> ...


I would tell her she damn well should feel guilty. I would have cut this short years ago and when I fild, told her it was her own doing, it was her choice to not love her husband


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Your wife isn't going to react differently to you if you are repeating the same behaviors over and over again. Time to step up your life, your way of operating, creating healthy boundaries for yourself, and then sticking to your guns. 

And, if you do this (and still actually want to stay with her), and she is still treating you the same way, then you have crafted a new and improved you that will be able to succeed in the next relationship, once you divorce her.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'm speaking as someone who has experienced this.
You have to be willing to put it all on the line (and she really has to love you) to make a change in behavior.
Take charge, sit her down and tell her that this isn't going to continue.
I gave my wife three choices. The choice she took was to save her marriage.
She knew that I had one foot out the door, and no was no longer an option.
Since then (and this was over three years ago) we have regular sex, her tone of voice is more loving, she is more "Playful", and things are actually much on par as they were when we were dating 30 years ago.
I know I've been vague, however I didn't really feel like typing it all out again. I have posted my story several times on this forum. Feel free to look it up if you feel it would be helpful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wife is an adult, she gets to make up her own mind.

Her choice is harming your marriage.

You should, sadly accept 😔 her choice, and let her live with hers.

Your choice should be to let her choice go.

And, you with it. 

Do not be passionate.
Be as she, dispassionate.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Miguel324 said:


> I don’t want to separate or divorce.


Your wife knows this, hence you’ve enabled her to treat you like ****. Your only chance at saving yourself from a life of celibacy is to man up, grow a backbone, and calmly tell her you’re no longer willing to live as you are in this marriage. That your first choice is for the two of you to work together in serious MC and put your best effort to fix this, but if she’s unwilling, you respect that choice, and will be taking steps to end the marriage. A “marriage“ where one spouse unilaterally takes sex off the table is no marriage at all. And this is not a “tactic” to manipulate her. If you’re not truly willing to walk, your W will smell that out a mile away and lose any respect she ever had for you (which seems to be not much).

So your first decision must be: are you ok with living celibate the rest of your life?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

There are shows on YouTube whereas a boyfriend supported by a crew put their girlfriends to a test.
An actor hot looking guy is hired pretending to be rich and the girlfriend is placed in a situation where she is alone with the guy or is approached in a street and the guy hits on her, while the boyfriend is watching and listening the whole time on a hidden camera.
The majority of these women fail and fall for the bait ready to date and sleep with the guy.
Have to wonder if these frigid wives were put to the test how many would fail.
Would like to try this with my wife but wouldn`t know how to set it up.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OP,

You are not alone as there are many (both men and women) in your situation. 

Divorcing may be a good option but not an easy choice to make for the 1. leaving your kids and 2. the uncertainty of IF you will meet someone better? All decisions YOU have to make on your own.

I will just share one thing you should be ready for. My wife has no interest in sex but over the past few years I have really pushed for more I initiate all the time, tell her she is sexy, flirt, etc. You name it, I have done it.

So the FREQUENCY has indeed increased but the QUALITY has not. She just lays there and isn't really into it. 

I don't share that to thread jack your post but to give you a heads up that you not only want MORE sex from your wife you want GOOD sex from her! I try to explain that to mine and now am met with my own desires used against me when she will say "You wanted MORE sex and you got it...now you want something else!" 

So keep in mind if you do try to get the wife on board to make sure you share what you want and expect...at least better than I did.

Good luck!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Miguel324 said:


> My wife and I have had sex once in the past 2 1/2 years.





Miguel324 said:


> she hadn’t even wanted to that one time. It wasn’t too much of a surprise as it felt at the time like she didn’t want to.


You have 4 kids, so I assume your wife was ok with having sex at least four times in 21 years. What was your courtship and marriage like for the first 5 years? ( You said your oldest was 16, so assume the first was born 5 years after marriage. And she still liked sex or at least procreation because she went back to the well three more times at least.

What happened to have changed her from willingly bearing four of your kids to being angry at you all of the time? Did something significant happen 2-3 years ago?



Miguel324 said:


> I love my wife and am still incredibly attracted to her.


This is really irrelevant. It is pretty obvious she has little use for you.



Miguel324 said:


> I did and it really sounds like how my wife treats me, totally separate from our sex life.


This summarizes it. You are saying she treats you badly in all aspects of the marriage.



gameopoly5 said:


> Have to wonder if these frigid wives were put to the test how many would fail.
> Would like to try this with my wife but wouldn`t know how to set it up.


I always believe a "frigid" wife is one who just isn't hot for her husband. Given opportunity with a stud, they would have their knickers off in two seconds and be bent over waiting for him. You probably wouldn't like the result of your "test", so my advice would be to drop that idea for your own sanity.



FloridaGuy1 said:


> "You wanted MORE sex and you got it...now you want something else!"


This sounds passive - aggressive. She knows exactly what you wanted but is intentionally misrepresenting that. I surely hope all of the misery you have put up with and it's effect on your mental and physical health is worth the money you haven't spent getting rid of the millstone around your neck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is. .

Look in the mirror.
You can reason with that .
You can 

Look down, unzip, and pull it out.
You cannot reason with that.
You cannot.

Choose, which to live with.
And, which to live without.

One is sad, the other aches.

Solve the wee ache, watch the sad, flee.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> OP,
> 
> You are not alone as there are many (both men and women) in your situation.
> 
> ...


Why do you stay with her if you’re not happy?


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