# My other thread...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So my thread got locked, looks like I missed something?

What I wanted to say was thanks for the guy insights, and the female ones too. I think what the majority of posters didn't factor in though was my H's very recent EA. I am more sensitive than I was before. Had he told me such a story before, I would have probably rolled my eyes and left it at that. Now? I feel him saying stuff like that is hugely disrespectful to me. Almost like he's saying wow, look at all these fit women around me to leer over. Plus the fact this woman could realistically walk into this bar whilst he's in there, knowing that he's said he'd do her. That feels humiliating to me: the family man with a wife and children leering over the bartender's daughter, everyone knowing he thinks she's fit.

So yes, it might just be guy talk but is hurtful. He says if it was the other way round, he wouldn't be bothered. But I suspect if he were to find out that I'd told female friends that my personal trainer was fit and I'd "do" him, he might feel differently... (I haven't said that btw!)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Has he always hung out in bars ? Does he do this often? 

After a recent EA, he really should be bending over backwards to make you feel more loved, secure in the relationship, putting you 1st in all things. I feel a realistic request from you, , under these circumstances, would be that if he still wants to go to places like that, you get to go with him, sit beside him , do these things together. 

Maybe others think that is crazy but I wouldnt like it -if I was in your shoes. He should be wanting to get home to you every day, working on the relationship, especially feeling the way you are right now. It makes all the sense in the world you are MORE sensitve now, after the fact.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I read your other threads.

I think the steps you are taking overall are very good ones.

I do think that you should be paying particular attention to what is important to you, what you need, what you want from your marriage ... as well as what you don't. Lowering the temperature as you have been doing helps you with this self-assessment. 

It's a good time to be selfish. I say that in the constructive self awareness way, not in the childish, destructive way.

Can your husband be the husband you want to be married to?

When I asked myself this question about my wife, the unfortunate answer was, 'No'.

She was never going to give the marriage the kind of priority I was prepared to. What was important to me, was not going to be important to her. She was not capable of making my emotional needs a priority ... after I had been prioritizing hers for nearly a decade.

Be aware of the important stuff, and aware of the flack. I can't sit here and tell you that the occurrence with the photo shouldn't be important to you ... if it in fact is.

At face value, it seems as if it were a thoughtless gesture on his part. I don't believe he made an actual emotional investment or was stating any matter of genuine fact with his comment about the photograph. And were that in fact the case ... he never would have told you about it.

Hope the two of you continue to heal.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You have a right to expect him to be respectful at all times. When you are there and when you are not. Either he values you or he doesn't.

I also wonder why he is hanging out in bars. I think he should remove himself from situations that could put him in compromising positions.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

There are a couple of places he goes regularly. He goes with a small group of people, not like a guys' night out, they are all people he has known for years who are interconnected. It would also be fair to say it's not like hangingout at a bar in the city on a Saturday night, it's more like a suburban family club and bar. Very quiet really. That is why it does not bother me in the way it would if he were hanging out at bars.

I used to go with him in our dating days, before we settled down. I was bored. It really isn't my thing. To be honest I feel more awkward now after what happened because I know some of these people know about what happened with his EA and felt I was making a big issue out of nothing because it wasn't physical.

Deejo, I really do not believe there was anything in what he said. I do believe it was simply him saying, yes, she's hot. I do feel the way he put it was crass and I do feel disrespected, though I don't think he disrespects me. I guess what worried me was that this was a "real life" woman, not like seeing some hot actress or singer and commenting. There is a real possibility that she could turn up there one day, and like I say, he'd be the married family guy who thinks this young woman is fit. I feel that is disrespectful to me and potentially creating a bad environment should she turn up and the feeling is mutual. He's a hot looking guy and not short of female attention.

I also know how he spoke about the OW at work, he has told me that. I found that crass and insensitive and felt disrespected. It makes me feel very insignificant to him.


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