# Former BS's being attracted to Married people



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You know..

Just today I went hiking with a MW whom I consider very sweet, smart, good looking etc. I hardly know her. I'm employing her for something. 

It definitely occurred to me just how easy .. really how easy .. it is to fall into something with someone. We had a lot in common, if she was single I would've definitely asked to see her again. If she had been single, I could've easily seen a situation where we could've been trapped by the rain in a grotto or something, your eyes meet, a kiss ensues. I could tell she liked me, I have no idea if it was beyond just pleasant company and conversation. 

I felt like I had to fight the urge to get to know her better. I established boundaries with myself and had to actively avoid conversation going in any dangerous direction. 

This frightens me.

I was thrilled when her husband called to just "check in". The rest of the hike was great, I thanked her, and we will finish up the work via email. 

It's unfortunate that men and women can't just be friends. 

I feel paranoid now about any time alone with MWs. Like, something could happen. What if some MW tried to kiss me AND I wanted it? I think I'd think just have to run away full speed. 

Any other BS's run into this kind of problem?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I'm attracted to a lot of married women.

But I'm not going to hop in bed with them. The very fact they are married prohibits me from wanting to take it any further than a simple attraction.

1, if she would cheat on her husband, I wouldn't want her, even if there would be an understanding of no commitment. Just not the kind of character I want in a woman even if having a casual relationship.

2, I wouldn't do that to their husbands.

and 3, I'm not a hypocrite. (not saying you are, just saying for myself because I despise cheating)


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm actually a WS but even at my worst I never pursued a married women. Even the ones that were basically advertising by telling anyone who would listen how unhappy they were. I guess that will seem odd to many of you but even people who do awful things have their limits. I wouldn't want to be responsible for breaking up another man's home. 

This is an interesting topic though, I believe we've actually had BS's on TAM hook up with someone else's spouse on multiple occasions. It can definitely happen if you're not careful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't know why this would be unique to BS's. I'm married and I've found myself attracted to married men lots of times; I just had a pleasant conversation with one at work. But I'd never pursue one because i'm married and so are they. That's what boundaries are for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't know why this would be unique to BS's. I'm married and I've found myself attracted to married men lots of times; I just had a pleasant conversation with one at work. But I'd never pursue one because i'm married and so are they. That's what boundaries are for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not unique to BS's and yes I was attracted to MWs when I was married as well.

It's a different sort of sin when you're a BS. You know how much pain it causes so there's an uneasiness. When I was married, there was no uneasiness. I would just go home to my loving wife. When single, there's more uneasiness. Maybe I've just been so rattled I'm more anxious about it than most people.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Had this issue recently with a man I worked with for a few months. He's engaged and this will be his third marriage; I'm married and in R. There was a very strong, mutual physical attraction between the coworker and I. If we were both single....well....something may have happened by now. The attraction did scare me a bit as I can see how easy it could be to go down that slippery slope. I'm also relieved we work in different offices now as life at work and otherwise is just much easier without that distraction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Could you imagine being someone's third or fourth spouse?

At that point you must just be thinking "let's enjoy it while it lasts".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I don't think having opposite sex friends is a problem but spending one on one time as you did hiking together is an issue imo


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

To be fair, I'm not a BS, just someone who has been deeply affected by betrayal.

However, I'd say that your self-awareness and self-knowledge, along with your first-hand experience with the pain of infidelity, are to be commended. These things are what is protecting you from taking a step or two down the slippery slope.

BS's I think feel these things too, but having no clear boundaries in mind, just proceed happily over the edge, saying to themselves maybe, "Hey, this feels good."

It might be that simple? 

Anyway, keep your side of the street clean, and all is well. Everybody is attracted to someone, sometimes, we are human. Me too. The honorable people just keep it between their ears and don't act on it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I'm attracted to a lot of married women.
> 
> But I'm not going to hop in bed with them. The very fact they are married prohibits me from wanting to take it any further than a simple attraction.
> 
> ...


This.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm a hypocrite in many ways. 

Let's not fool ourselves.. I think many 'decent' men can easily get pulled into an affair with a woman if she's attractive and they sense a 'need' in her. That need could even be emotional, built on connection. How many "We shouldn't be doing this" type of affairs have occurred between two relatively 'good' people who just fell hard for each other? Sex is important, but there was an instant emotional connection as well which was driving it. And maybe the affair wasn't driven by excessive flirtation and innuendo, but more about a 'connection'. 

In that case, does the 'sweet and loving wife' turn into a nasty sneaky disrespectful B catering to the OM? I didn't feel that way when I was the OM (meaning we didn't laugh behind her H's back) but she appeared to be much nastier in her last A. I wonder if she morphed to please his personality. Basically, it would concern me that someone I fell for who was in an M would ostensibly turn into a lousy B criticizing her H -- I wouldn't get any perverse pleasure out of that and I certainly wouldn't want to be with that kind of person if I was the OM. So at what point does an A become 'trashy'?

I'm not sure if I'm making sense.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

staystrong said:


> I'm a hypocrite in many ways.
> 
> Let's not fool ourselves.. I think many 'decent' men can easily get pulled into an affair with a woman if she's attractive and they sense a 'need' in her.


Don't fool yourself, and I mean no offense when I say that.

Not sure if you want to believe what you just said so that way it makes the notion seem more "human".

Trust me, there are 'decent' men that can easily refrain out of principle and based on their own moral code. I've done it for almost half a century.




> So at what point does an A become 'trashy'?


From the get go.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Don't fool yourself, and I mean no offense when I say that.
> 
> Not sure if you want to believe what you just said so that way it makes the notion seem more "human".
> 
> ...


Most men are taught not to pursue married women, yet many are programmed to be knights in shining armor. This can cause conflicts.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Most men are taught not to pursue married women, yet many are programmed to be knights in shining armor. *This can cause conflicts*.


Not for me, and it wasn't something I was taught.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

A couple of thoughts...

When I was in the depths of limbo, ALL other women looked pretty good. I can't remember if you are still in R or have you gone to D?

Second though; discover the traits that she has that make her attractive. When you are ready to date, seek those qualities. There are MANY decent women. Many of the decent ones are single. Your task is to find a single one.

Does she have a sister? LOL!


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Speaking solely from the point of view of a guy who has never been married I can say yes I have been attracted to a few married women but I would never cross that line for a multitude of personal reasons.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Could you imagine being someone's third or fourth spouse?
> 
> At that point you must just be thinking "let's enjoy it while it lasts".



Ha ha, funny you'd say that. I used to work with a guy with whom I had a lot of mutual attraction. We kept boundaries, but once in a while we'd go for a lunch time run, and I learned that he'd been married 3 times. When I asked him what happened I learned that none of the divorces were his fault. At the time he was dating the lady who would become number four, and I thought just what you said. Such a nice, smart guy and super hot but a personal train wreck. The more I learned about him the more I realized I'd never get involved with him even if we were both single. Good luck to her, that's all I can say. He left the company so I don't know what happened
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

staystrong said:


> It's not unique to BS's and yes I was attracted to MWs when I was married as well.
> 
> It's a different sort of sin when you're a BS. You know how much pain it causes so there's an uneasiness. When I was married, there was no uneasiness. I would just go home to my loving wife. When single, there's more u


See, this is the problem whether it is religion, media or your own upbringing. Sorry, I don't believe attraction is a Sin in and of itself. People are attracted to each other, REGARDLESS of their marital situation or gender in many cases. It's how you act that makes it fine or terrible.. I don't know how many women, over a few decades, I have found attractive or been attracted to. It's pretty much out of sight out of mind.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Wot the heck are you doing alone with someone else's wife on a hike.

If you get feelings this way, you need to understand yourself and never put yourself in a situation like this. Its not you I worry about, it's the innocent woman, her H and family you put at risk.

And no, you cannot babysit my kids either.

Ok, I am making a point here. I only hope you're getting the point.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Maybe my brain working a bit hard, but I have wondered… Those of us who tried R all had to reach the same conclusion; Infidelity is not a dealbreaker. We’re a bit more morally flexible…. 

We learn a lot as BS’s… It is a dark hole indeed of thoughts: Knowledge and experiences we otherwise may never have even considered.

Which is why I don’t. It would be so very easy…. That scares me about myself and actually keeps me on guard if that makes any sense. I know I’m hurt and weak. I don’t want to share it with others who can hopefully hold onto their fantasy version of “the one”, “true love”, and more vomit I had ripped out violently by the one I loved the most. So instead I stare at young lovers and feel envious; Poor delusional souls that they are. I remember being like that once….


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

All of us are occasionally attracted to married people. That's why I don't spend lengthy one on one time with other women. Like going on hikes, for example.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

The same way that it takes two people with solid boundaries to maintain the integrity of the marriage, it takes solid boundaries in a male / female friendship to keep things platonic. 

If either person in the situation lets their guard down ever - whether they have bad boundaries in general, or are just having an off day...you have an exposure of risk. I would hope that anyone that is married and has been experiencing issues in their M would have the gumption to stay away from anyone they are even the slightest bit attracted to... But obviously that doesn't always happen. 

I really think a lot of in the end boils down to some people being more self-aware than others. I would venture to guess that most people that are even involved in an A said at one point that it was simply not something they would be capable of. 

But then consider that statistic I have seen so many times that shows that the majority of people WOULD cheat if they knew that they would never get caught... so it isn't integrity, so much as fear that keeps most people faithful. And in all honesty, I don't think that is enough for many when they are faced with temptation.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Maybe it's semantics, but I think there may be a difference between seeing someone and noting that they are attractive and being attracted to them. Maybe a false distinction, but one that has been effortless to maintain. The idea of any kind of sexual interaction, innuendo, or suggestion with any of the married women I know is . . . just yuck. I'm not a prude. It's just there is something there that is like kissing your sister.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Wot the heck are you doing alone with someone else's wife on a hike.
> 
> If you get feelings this way, you need to understand yourself and never put yourself in a situation like this. Its not you I worry about, it's the innocent woman, her H and family you put at risk.
> 
> ...


Uhm.. not sure how babysitting anyone's kids is relevant. We're talking about an adult male with an adult female here. 

I hired her as a freelancer to create a nature tour in the area. A few others were hired as well. 

Basically, I was attracted to her. Maybe it was mutual. And it caused me anxiety -- THAT's the point.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

staystrong said:


> I'm a hypocrite in many ways.
> 
> Let's not fool ourselves.. I think many 'decent' men can easily get pulled into an affair with a woman if she's attractive and they sense a 'need' in her. White Knight in shiny armor. And no, many a decent man would not jump on it. This is why they are decent.
> 
> ...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Basically, I was attracted to her. Maybe it was mutual. And it caused me anxiety -- THAT's the point.


When you think about her do you think at all about her husband and kids and what their time together might be like? I would think that would just kill any buzz you might have.

I respect the boundaries school, but I do not subscribe to it. It makes me think of chastity belts and the like and I have not ever seen any problem with opposite gender friendships. I think they are healthy. But hots for a married woman is not. Maybe try the boundaries thing.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

staystrong said:


> Basically, I was attracted to her. Maybe it was mutual. And it caused me anxiety -- THAT's the point.


I'm pretty sure I know what you mean. You felt those sparks flying. It is something that before this mess, either I didn't notice or it didn't happen. But after? It's happened multiple times where you could just sense they were really into you and you into them. Much stronger than just "she's got a nice arse" type attraction right? More like a draw?

It's almost like some switch inside got flipped on again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm hopelessly attracted to a married woman

my wife


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

It's surprising to me after what we have lived through that any of us would draw a charge from a woman married to someone else. A bit of disclosure, I experienced 2 days of the divorce process this past Spring. My wife asked for separation a few times and I said I did not like the idea. Then she wanted to go to divorce mediation and set the appointment and I figured if she wanted divorce I did not have a veto, so I went. The first day was a Wednesday I think. Out of that session came a schedule she drew up for who was on and off. I was off that night and the next but was to pick up our oldest from an after school practice across town. Figuring I had fought long and hard for maybe 2 years and was about to get divorced anyway I accepted an invite to get coffee that same afternoon in our town on the way to school and I thought, jeeze, it's my back yard, a lot of people will see and recognize me, but I am getting divorced and it is on the way to pick up. I said yes. Wife read my email or whatever and called while I was getting coffee and on my way to say no problem, she would get our oldest. But not after making an appearance and small scene at the neighborhood restaurant. So afternoon turns into evening. Similar repeat with another woman the following night. Both divorced, both Ivy or little Ivy, both very pretty and way more balanced than me, but I don't set the bar that high. Both nights went late. Into the morning. Both nights rounded second, maybe third, on a good stride and being waved home with invitations to stay at their houses for the night (protests about I do not do this on a first date notwithstanding). Thankfully I had in mind that I had to make breakfasts and pack snacks and lunches in the morning each night and declined and also just wanted to sleep and wake in my own house. My wife, monitoring my whereabouts and communications got pretty upset and I was thinking "We are getting divorced, what did you think was going to happen?" Anyway after my 2 nights of single life we are doing reasonably well. But it was fun. I had a really nice time both nights. I totally get the reawakening thing and I was looking ahead to an endless string of fling and fun. Just don't with married women. Don't go there.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Uhm.. not sure how babysitting anyone's kids is relevant. We're talking about an adult male with an adult female here. *it has to do with integrity --- either you have it or you don't babysit*
> 
> I hired her as a freelancer to create a nature tour in the area. A few others were hired as well. *make sure it is nature and not your nature she tours*
> 
> Basically, I was attracted to her. Maybe it was mutual. And it caused me anxiety -- THAT's the point.[ *so, you really don't get the point. Hope you weren't looking for a seduction plan from anyone here. You know, nice her, push boundaries here and there, be a great listener, maybe line up 6-10 other married ladies as you will strike out with proper married ladies, be her best friend, also, keep a VAR with you to send her BS. You know, save him the trouble. And don't forget, dump her when things get to the commitment point. POSOM do that you know. I know, you can resist everything, except temptation...*/QUOTE]


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Racer said:


> I'm pretty sure I know what you mean. You felt those sparks flying. It is something that before this mess, either I didn't notice or it didn't happen. But after? It's happened multiple times where you could just sense they were really into you and you into them. Much stronger than just "she's got a nice arse" type attraction right? More like a draw?
> 
> It's almost like some switch inside got flipped on again.



Yes, that's correct Racer. I wouldn't even say we were really into each other because each of us held back. I held back at least, was careful to. Perhaps she did as well. It wasn't like there were secretive glances or anything. That would have may be uncomfortable.. if SHE was the one showing interest.

We had a shared interest / intellectual connection as well. Anyhow, could all just be fantasy on my part. I'm not even thinking about it, because I don't see her. So that's good.

I think my anxiety has to do with being irrepressibly lonely in this town and therefore any connection with a woman of any caliber sent me spinning. 

It also triggers me. I start to think back about my Ex and what is was like in that music room alone with her teacher. There was a time when I really wanted to know how that developed ... was she aware, not self-aware, etc. On her own, she initially said she was going to change teachers (I remember this from that time) and she did not. It's as if she sensed she was attracted to him or vice versa. It's one of those What If's (what if she had) that plagued me for a while. But the reality is that SHE determined how far it could develop. I just hate the fact that the initial flattery or shared interests or whatever went to her head, and she was not smart or loyal enough to pull away. Or she just wanted it. A small part of me wants to believe it was all a foolish exploratory act on her part and she let herself get swept up in it. But then she turned into such a demon it's hard to say. Seriously, a cheating wife may be the most vile immature creatures on this planet. Their level of scorn is incomparable.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Maybe it's semantics, but I think there may be a difference between seeing someone and noting that they are attractive and being attracted to them.


Very true. 



Harken Banks said:


> Maybe a false distinction, but one that has been effortless to maintain. The idea of any kind of sexual interaction, innuendo, or suggestion with any of the married women I know is . . . just yuck. I'm not a prude. It's just there is something there that is like kissing your sister.


Yup, also true.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> When you think about her do you think at all about her husband and kids and what their time together might be like? I would think that would just kill any buzz you might have.


I think I just enjoyed her company, and would prefer to meet her husband before any 'friendship' evolved. Our daughters are the same age (possible playdate partner) so it would be a requirement for me to meet him. Hopefully for her, too. 



Harken Banks said:


> I respect the boundaries school, but I do not subscribe to it. It makes me think of chastity belts and the like and I have not ever seen any problem with opposite gender friendships. I think they are healthy. But hots for a married woman is not. Maybe try the boundaries thing.


I agree.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I think I just enjoyed her company


I understand. Tread lightly.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

staystrong said:


> Yes, that's correct Racer. I wouldn't even say we were really into each other because each of us held back. I held back at least, was careful to. Perhaps she did as well. It wasn't like there were secretive glances or anything. That would have may be uncomfortable.. if SHE was the one showing interest..


It's not even a married woman thing at all. For me, it's like just an opposite sex thing where some women, it just all clicks right. I call them my redflag women and have to really watch myself and my boundaries around them. Even that silly having to resist finding some excuse to see them again… More or less crush feelings.

And it was like after DD, some old cobwebbed covered switch got flipped back on. Just as odd is others seem to pick up on this. So the waitresses flirt a bit more, the girl walking by gives a smile and checks you out, and so forth. Frustrating too because you don’t know if it was just all in your head or not. I know it was real though because it happened enough when with my WW that she made comments… though she said it crudely and confrontationally. 



staystrong said:


> It's one of those What If's (what if she had) that plagued me for a while. But the reality is that SHE determined how far it could develop. I just hate the fact that the initial flattery or shared interests or whatever went to her head, and she was not smart or loyal enough to pull away. Or she just wanted it..


I get that. Bugged me too until I saw as some internal switch that was in her, just like me. So it became more important to discover why it got flipped on (or in my wife’s SA case, did it ever get turned off?). Basically, I believe if you are truly with someone you want to be with, that switch is in the off position and you are oblivious to looking for or receiving those kinds of vibes. That person you want to be with dominates your thoughts. So something changed in her, with us, or whatever that made her aware and seeking someone else so they could be the dominate cycle of romantically inclined thoughts. It took a trauma and major perception change of who my WW is to change me….


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Just maintain boundaries. Respect all marriages. Even if she does not, you have your boundaries which can never be crossed. It would be sad if she depends on your boundaries to protect hers, but so be it at that point. 

Some folks are just plain nice, especially if a job is at stake. Don't misinterpret her actions or feelings or project yours on her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

staystrong said:


> We had a shared interest / intellectual connection as well. Anyhow, could all just be fantasy on my part. I'm not even thinking about it, because I don't see her. So that's good.


So let me get this right, a shared interest intellectual connection=I dig her and she certainly digs me? Let's do this. :scratchhead:

I'm betting on fantasy on your part. I have been their but it was not because of shared interest or intellectual connection. It was sexual attraction.

And you are thinking about it! You are here posting what had occurred! You are seeing her in your fantasy.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Harken Banks said:


> Maybe it's semantics, but I think there may be a difference between seeing someone and noting that they are attractive and being attracted to them. Maybe a false distinction, but one that has been effortless to maintain. The idea of any kind of sexual interaction, innuendo, or suggestion with any of the married women I know is . . . just yuck. I'm not a prude. It's just there is something there that is like kissing your sister.


Brilliant. Quoted for goodness.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

staystrong said:


> You know..
> 
> Just today I went hiking with a MW whom I consider very sweet, smart, good looking etc. I hardly know her. I'm employing her for something.
> 
> ...


Not true. I have several female friends. Never cheated on my Gf with a one of them. And my best hiking buddy is a woman. We spend most the time talking about dates. Well her dates now since I am involved with someone my stories aren't as interesting lol


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not true. I have several female friends. Never cheated on my Gf with a one of them. And my best hiking buddy is a woman. We spend most the time talking about dates. Well her dates now since I am involved with someone my stories aren't as interesting lol



How does your GF feel about your female friends?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Yes, that's correct Racer. I wouldn't even say we were really into each other because each of us held back. I held back at least, was careful to. Perhaps she did as well. It wasn't like there were secretive glances or anything. That would have may be uncomfortable.. if SHE was the one showing interest.
> 
> We had a shared interest / intellectual connection as well. Anyhow, could all just be fantasy on my part. I'm not even thinking about it, because I don't see her. So that's good.
> 
> ...


More vile then murderers, pedophiles, and rapists?

What about cheating husbands? There is a subtle attitude here on TAM that cheating women are just a little bit worse then cheating men. As if cheating women are evil but cheating men just made bad decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lifeistooshort said:


> What about cheating husbands? There is a subtle attitude here on TAM that cheating women are just a little bit worse then cheating men. As if cheating women are evil but cheating men just made bad decisions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Off topic, but I don't disagree with that, but I bet the reasons you believe it and I believe it are subtly different. IMHO Men are already seen as 'lesser' people; Snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. Women are 'better'; sugar and spice and everything nice. So to witness a snake of a woman is more of a shock; they had further to fall. Men are seldom placed on a pedestal. There aren't sayings like "Behind every good woman is a good man." 

And of coarse the reality is different than the stereotypes and cultural expectations borne out of those things.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Q tip said:


> staystrong said:
> 
> 
> > Uhm.. not sure how babysitting anyone's kids is relevant. We're talking about an adult male with an adult female here. *it has to do with integrity --- either you have it or you don't babysit*
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I apologize if this has been covered already. 

I'm just wondering. Do you think the reason you find married women so attractive at times, is because they have a rapport with you that single women do not have?

In other words, do you think married women are more comfortable being themselves around men because they, are, married and feel safer about expressing themselves? 

Likewise, do you think single women are so concerned with their safety with a man they don't know, who might be a potential partner, they are somewhat closed off emotionally and less intimate(not sexually, this just means showing who they are as a person)?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I apologize if this has been covered already.
> 
> I'm just wondering. Do you think the reason you find married women so attractive at times, is because they have a rapport with you that single women do not have?
> 
> ...



That's interesting. I'm not sure. That could be the case indeed. It could also be that it is interesting for them to know that other men still find them attractive and interesting. How many affairs have started because of that very simple egoism? I believe there are WWs out there who really just wanted from their Hs what they were getting out of their affairs. They just didn't have the tools. It's a lack of maturity, and the affair changes who they are. Changes everyone.. for the worse. 

There aren't many single women around my age in the town I am in, so the comparison is hard. Plus, maybe most people in my age group who are attractive and interesting are hitched.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Q tip said:
> 
> 
> > You're also making the assumption that a WW is unaware of the intentions of a POSOM. Maybe some are naive.. but some must have a clue that the guy is being nice, listening, etc. because he is also interested in her xxxxxxxxxx O face.
> ...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> staystrong said:
> 
> 
> > FIFY.
> ...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Harken Banks said:
> 
> 
> > The question is.. why don't they discuss them with their husbands? Or maybe it's because the husbands didn't ask? For an OM, it could be as simple a matter as Ask And You Shall Receive.
> ...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

staystrong said:


> How does your GF feel about your female friends?


Loves them. We all hang out together often as couples and sometime they hang out just them


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> staystrong said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know man. I was working on something in the yard this evening and stewing on some things maybe apropos of nothing in this thread but so it is. It occurred to me that there are WSs here who are really doing all the right things to fix what was broken. My wife seems to have a death grip on the in my view decidedly mostly irrational and uncontained anger and resentment that most assuredly and soundly justified her affair in the first place. Sucks to be here. I hate this sh*t very much. Sometimes I think back to one of the stations on hell night where three brothers sit across the table each with a cup of spirits before them. One is wisdom, one is virtue, one is loyalty, but none is identified. Whatever you choose, the brothers say you have chosen wisely. I became president of that house and sat on the other side of that table for some turns as I made the rounds. My hell night in that station comes back to me again and again. The assurance that you have chosen well that is as it turns simply ritual and really not more. Like when they throw rice or blow bubbles at your wedding or make a toast.
> ...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Harken Banks said:
> 
> 
> > HB, I'm not sure I understand the moral of the story.
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Slaps on the back and a question by the person doing the slapping, "Guess who's/whose back"? When heard, you don't know what to answer. It's sort of like that for me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

When it comes to recognizing boundaries it should be fairly easy for members of this board. Particularly so for betrayed spouses.
All one need do is reflect on past experiences.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

*Sv: Re: Former BS's being attracted to Married people*



hookares said:


> When it comes to recognizing boundaries it should be fairly easy for members of this board. Particularly so for betrayed spouses.
> All one need do is reflect on past experiences.


Depends on which school of thought you belong to. One of the stronger ones I've noticed is, that you should go for it as long as your spouse isn't perfect either. As long as you can find widely accepted justifications, it's ok to seek out opposite sex relations and develop these friendships ... Well, it's not ok, but it's ok, sort of... understandable... reasonable... or whatever.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Sv: Re: Former BS's being attracted to Married people*



cpacan said:


> Depends on which school of thought you belong to. One of the stronger ones I've noticed is, that you should go for it as long as your spouse isn't perfect either. As long as you can find widely accepted justifications, it's ok to seek out opposite sex relations and develop these friendships ... Well, it's not ok, but it's ok, sort of... understandable... reasonable... or whatever.


So, a person should base what they do on payback and justification rather than what is actually in their best interest? I don't get that, at all. 

Believe me. I've struggled with the concept of stepping out on a spouse who has already cheated. For the simple reason of protection of the original BS' mental and emotional health. It levels the field and makes dealing with the realization that will come, much easier. 

The trouble is, we are all different and that is not true in all cases. Some, and likely I'm one of them, might harm themselves more by losing respect for themselves, because they were weak enough to stray. 

Truly, we are all individuals.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

staystrong said:


> Could you imagine being someone's third or fourth spouse?
> 
> At that point you must just be thinking "let's enjoy it while it lasts".


This triggered me a bit SS (and I know that wasn't your intention). I have been married twice. The first lasted a little over 2 years right out of high school, I lost a child and she cheated and walked out. The second was 9 years and I have custody of my daughter because ex cheated and left us. I was loyal in both marriages, never cheated on wives or girlfriends. I have learned the hard way that my picker was broken and am not rushing into relationships anymore. However I do feel like thrown away garbage sometimes, and if I ever get married again it does bother me that it would be my third, not by choice though. Does the gal I'm currently dating secretly get freaked out that I've been married twice before and failed? I don't know yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

*Re: Re: Former BS's being attracted to Married people*



TheGoodGuy said:


> This triggered me a bit SS (and I know that wasn't your intention). I have been married twice. The first lasted a little over 2 years right out of high school, I lost a child and she cheated and walked out. The second was 9 years and I have custody of my daughter because ex cheated and left us. I was loyal in both marriages, never cheated on wives or girlfriends. I have learned the hard way that my picker was broken and am not rushing into relationships anymore. However I do feel like thrown away garbage sometimes, and if I ever get married again it does bother me that it would be my third, not by choice though. Does the gal I'm currently dating secretly get freaked out that I've been married twice before and failed? I don't know yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good Guy: I would matter (at least to me) why the marriage(s) ended. If I were a female prospect of yours and you told me those stories, it wouldn't bother me. Holding that against you would seem pretty unfair...and I'd hope you wouldn't be interested in anyone So judgmental anyway. If you were... Then I'd agree that your picker is broken.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Uhm.. not sure how babysitting anyone's kids is relevant. We're talking about an adult male with an adult female here.
> 
> I hired her as a freelancer to create a nature tour in the area. A few others were hired as well.
> 
> Basically, I was attracted to her. Maybe it was mutual. And it caused me anxiety -- THAT's the point.


I think the fact you seem weak about your attractions and then creating a scenario that tests such weaknesses places you in a high risk catagory. Food for thought.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I think the fact you seem weak about your attractions and then creating a scenario that tests such weaknesses places you in a high risk catagory. Food for thought.


I didn't create a scenario in order to see this person again. The first time I met her I was not attracted to her per se. We were in a group and it was all business-like. It was once we were alone, I suppose, that there was any chance of a connection forming. 

Not sure what you mean by "weak about your attractions". Attraction is not a choice.. either you are attracted to someone or you are not. It's how you handle yourself in those situations, and how you maintain your loyalties, which count.


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