# Does a sex addiction change anything.



## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

So, I am going through a separation/divorce caused by infidelity.

My husband had an emotional affair 6 years ago and then 2 1/2 years ago started using massage parlours. 
His behaviour did not stop until I found out at the end of June.
He finally confessed to everything at the end of July.

We have not lived together since this all started happening.

Since he finally confessed, he has been really transparent, he wants to try to start over, insisting that he loves me. He said he is going to do all he has to to repair our marriage.

He has had phone counselling and they are telling him that he has a sex addiction? tomorrow he is going for a session at a sex addiction clinic.

My question is...Has anyone experience this with their spouse?
Should I be open to support him, if this is indeed an addiction?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> My question is...Has anyone experience this with their spouse? Should I be open to support him, if this is indeed an addiction?


I haven't experienced it. 

My two cents: I'm pretty high drive, I could have sex 3-4 times a day every day easily. I can never get enough sex and I've never cheated on anyone. 

Who is to say he won't "relapse"? Did he disclose to you prior to marriage that he had "irresistible" urges to cheat on you? If he's a "sex addict" did he ask you for sex? 

To feed his "addiction". Maybe he's an "affair addict"whose untreatable. You're already out, don't let him guilt you into more pain. The pity card is the go to card of cheaters.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

albertamom3 said:


> So, I am going through a separation/divorce caused by infidelity.
> 
> My husband had an emotional affair 6 years ago and then 2 1/2 years ago started using massage parlours.
> His behaviour did not stop until I found out at the end of June.
> ...


For me, yes, that would factor into my decision. It would make me all the more sure that divorce was the right choice. Simply because there are no assurances that sex addiction, if there is such a thing, can be cured.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> So, I am going through a separation/divorce caused by infidelity.
> 
> My husband had an emotional affair 6 years ago and then 2 1/2 years ago started using massage parlours.
> His behaviour did not stop until I found out at the end of June.
> ...


What do you mean phone counseling? Did he actually talk to a licensed marriage counselor? Were you there when he called? 

My first thought is to take this diagnosis with a big bag of salt.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> What do you mean phone counseling? Did he actually talk to a licensed marriage counselor? Were you there when he called?
> 
> My first thought is to take this diagnosis with a big bag of salt.


He has an Employee Assistance program through work, he had two conversations with a marriage counsellor. I was not with him.

He has an appointment tomorrow at the clinic they referred him to?
Apparently this clinic specializes in sex addiction?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Assuming sex addiction is a thing, it's only an explanation (of sorts), not an excuse.

If my wife had an addiction to sex with other people, or to meth, or to the Lifetime channel, it might explain where we're at but it wouldn't change the fact that I couldn't have those addictions as part of my life.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The realm or sexual addiction is very subjective and currently not a recognized disorder in the psychiatric world. Our society loves labels which helps to justify behaviors in some people.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Like many men, I'm addicted to sex, however I don't cheat on my wife. 

Sex addiction is an excuse that cheating spouses use after they've been caught. God forbid they blame their broken moral compass.

How many sex addicts in therapy didn't cheat on their spouses? How many aren't married at all? Probably none. Call it what it is- wayward spousal therapy.

my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> I haven't experienced it.
> 
> My two cents: I'm pretty high drive, I could have sex 3-4 times a day every day easily. I can never get enough sex and I've never cheated on anyone.
> 
> ...


He has always had a high sex drive. We have had our issues regarding mismatched drive.

over 4 years ago he came to me and expressed he was not happy with our sex life, my kids were little and I was totally absorbed in them. I came to TAM and started working on myself and tried to repair our relationship, Things got better (I thought) then I found out about all this.

Looking back now, I realize he came to me after he had already started this behavior.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Addictions, obviously, can be very difficult to control. There often are many slips on the road to recovery -- if recovery is even possible and frequently it isn't. 

What would supporting him involve? Staying married to him and hoping he won't cheat? Divorcing him and supporting him as a friend?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Addiction is like the word bully, they truly exist, but they have been attached to everything and they are now watered down. Like Honcho said we label everything now, in my opinion to excuse bad behavior. Oh and two phone calls? Hahahahahahaha. I believe in high drive, low drive, monogamy and a host of other things. I do not believe in sex addiction. I just think some people like to have sex way more than others, but instead of acknowledging this they go ahead and get married.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Addictions, obviously, can be very difficult to control. There often are many slips on the road to recovery -- if recovery is even possible and frequently it isn't.
> 
> What would supporting him involve? Staying married to him and hoping he won't cheat? Divorcing him and supporting him as a friend?


He is saying all the right things.
Initially I was adamant about us divorcing, now I am wondering if he does have an addiction. Maybe that does explain this? Maybe if he got help?

Your right!
I can support him as a friend too.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> He is saying all the right things.


They ALL do....



albertamom3 said:


> Initially I was adamant about us divorcing, now I am wondering if he does have an addiction. Maybe that does explain this? Maybe if he got help?


Two phone calls is barely a consultation. He needs months, possibly years of therapy to see if he can even be helped. Are you just going to wait around in divorce limbo? 



albertamom3 said:


> I can support him as a friend too.


If this is an option for you I would certain take that over getting involved with him so soon. At least until you can determine with reasonable certainty that he won't cheat on you again. You can ALWAYS marry him again if he truly mends his ways and does the heavy lifting of fixing himself. I personally wouldn't ever take him back but it's your choice. Just don't rush into it please.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> He is saying all the right things.
> Initially I was adamant about us divorcing, now I am wondering if he does have an addiction. Maybe that does explain this? Maybe if he got help?
> 
> Your right!
> I can support him as a friend too.


If he doesn't get a handy certificate saying he is an addict would you divorce him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> He is saying all the right things.
> Initially I was adamant about us divorcing, now I am wondering if he does have an addiction. Maybe that does explain this? Maybe if he got help?
> 
> Your right!
> I can support him as a friend too.


Of course he's saying all the right things. Many cheaters who want to remain married say the right things when they're caught (my ex-husband did too but he still cheated again). 

Say he really does have an addiction. Are you going to be okay if you remain married to him and he cheats again -- because addicts often slip? His excuse will be he's an addict and he's working on it and he wants more than anything to be married to you and he just needs one more chance. Again. 

The better path -- for you -- is divorce him and let him work on getting his life together. If he succeeds, you can always remarry him if that's what you want. But keep in mind that while there are some cheaters who change, many don't. Be careful.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

honcho said:


> If he doesn't get a handy certificate saying he is an addict would you divorce him?


Yes.

But he is making it really hard to know what is the right decision.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I haven't experienced it.
> 
> My two cents: I'm pretty high drive, I could have sex 3-4 times a day every day easily. I can never get enough sex and I've never cheated on anyone.
> 
> ...


You make a good point, @BetrayedDad, high sex drive does *not* necessarily equal cheating.

Though it could make a nifty excuse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People can be addicted to all sorts of things, and I think sex addition is a real issue.

Think to yourself what you would do if you found out he was an alcoholic or heroin addict (assuming he had neglected to mention this when you got married).

Addictions sometimes can be fixed, sometimes not. Best guess is that he will relapse at some point - most addicts do. 

It is your choice if you want to stay married. Personally, I would not marry, or stay married to an addict.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> He has an Employee Assistance program through work, he had two conversations with a marriage counsellor. I was not with him.
> 
> He has an appointment tomorrow at the clinic they referred him to?
> Apparently this clinic specializes in sex addiction?


Marriage counselors are NOT QUALIFIED to make a sex addiction diagnosis. Jesus, you might as well have asked your mailman to diagnose him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

honcho said:


> If he doesn't get a handy certificate saying he is an addict would you divorce him?


Well, since virtually anyone who took a few Psyche classes and has a 'therapist' license on their wall is suddenly qualified to make a 'sex addiction' diagnosis, I'm sure they can create a certificate in PhotoShop and print one out. 

The phony certificate carries about as much weight as the phony phone diagnosis.

Sadly OP, you're desperately clinging to a bogus label that's WAY too commonly thrown around now to explain away mens bad behavior. I'm sure you'd rather believe it was some kind of addiction that drove him to do what he did rather than face the fact that he's a selfish assclown. But that's what he is.

Isn't it funny that WOMEN are never slapped with this 'sex addict' label when* they're* caught cheating more than once? Yet let a man do it and he's an addict, for sure!

Hmmm. How odd.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Isn't it funny that WOMEN are never slapped with this 'sex addict' label when* they're* caught cheating more than once? Yet let a man do it and he's an addict, for sure!
> 
> Hmmm. How odd.


No, not odd at all. 
Men aren't slapped with it either. It is a claim made to save a cheater when caught, gender need not apply. There are women who claim they are sex addicts when caught. Still, the gender bias comes in because women still get shamed. Men do not get labeled as wh***s, sl*ts, tr*ps etc etc etc. So, the occurrence of the claim is much less because there is still a negative social stigma for women and sex.


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## learner4life (Aug 27, 2016)

Well, I am married to a sex addict. I had had suspicions and little gut feelings when I first met him that I wished to God I had listened to. Anyway, I caught him using pornography extensively in 2007. He said all the right things too. I felt betrayed and crushed. He was determined to never do it again. We went to counseling. Then with the advent of mobile phones getting the internet he was back at it again in 2009. He had promised he would never relapse, and had said that if he did he would leave. Because of those promises, in 2009 when he began using pornography again his attitude was to deny it. I've caught him over the years several more times. The lies and the mind games living with a sex addict are just unbelievable. They usually end up blaming you because they can't face how horrible they are. And, unless you are willing to put up with a lifetime of crazy making in the lies and deceit, checking up on him and wondering what he is doing, you will have no choice but to totally divorce yourself emotionally from him in order to remain in the relationship. Think long and hard about this. I will stay with mine a few years longer because we have children, but that is the ONLY reason. My life has been hell, a literal hell. Yours very well could be too. They don't usually get better, and they usually had the problem before they met you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Just gonna leave this here, reading about Weiner, included studies that sex addiction is questionable at best 

http://wapo.st/2bx5mg1?tid=ss_sms-amp


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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