# male, one week separated



## krockette (2 mo ago)

I'm sharing my journal entries, sorry it's last first.

11/19

After a week of digesting...

Asked if he still wants the divorce, answer was a weak yes

Some research revealed 90% of separations end in divorce.

I've come to accept it is happening.
I still love her but know I need to protect myself. I can't be too nice. Especially I don't want to be extra nice thinking it will change her mind. Maybe we can still be friends. Won't I be disappointed in her challenges leading a new life knowing how good she had it? How do I forgive her for leaving me and blaming me for being unhappy?

I'm currently considering selling the house at 65. Time to start downsizing. Even if somehow I don't sell, at 65 I won't have the energy to maintain my fish tanks, server farms, electronics, etc. I also don't need all of the decorations and entertaining items I've accumulated.

I'm taking care of *me* right now. Medical issues, reaching out to friends, visiting the Swink family. Researching divorce. Finances, taxes.

Questions I still have:
How do I want to change? I think I need more human interaction in my life. I gave up the closeness of my friends due to her. Going out is problematic- I go to bed too early and I really should drink zero. Maybe I'll entertain. Divorce celebration? Dinner parties?

11/16

Was told on 11/14. Now I'm trying to get a handle on what it means. I still love her and was thinking I'd be nice but the internet says NO. 90% of separations end in divorce. The woman has considered all aspects of the outcomes and have definitively decided DIVORCE. I'm convinced she had an affair in Philippines.

Today I figured out some of the bills and informed her what she owes me and sent her email.

I'm still digesting what it all means:
will I be able to keep the house?
will I still be able to retire at 65?
will I want another partner?

I need to set my goals. #1 is get rid of her. Today I still love her and think I can keep it civil but who knows. #2 I need human interaction right away. Nothing else seems critical at the moment. I have my job, I have the van, my health is OK not great. I can manage my expenses just fine but I should try to cut things out with an eye on retirement.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

krockette said:


> I'm sharing my journal entries, sorry it's last first.
> 
> 11/19
> 
> ...


Too much too fast.




krockette said:


> Questions I still have:
> How do I want to change? I think I need more human interaction in my life. I gave up the closeness of my friends due to her. <snip> Maybe I'll entertain. Divorce celebration? Dinner parties?


Sure get some friends; be active a little each day. Do you go to church? Any volunteer groups in your area? What about your family?



krockette said:


> Going out is problematic- I go to bed too early and I really should drink zero.


Keep with this plan, sleep lots and no drinking. Altering that course is destructive.


Your goals seem right, but since you seem particularly stressed about this I'd toss in some counseling. Talk to a real live person who might have some useful thoughts about it, but for sure would help support you in your thinking processes.

How old are you? All the talk about 65 makes me think you're approaching that age.

The internet is right, separation = divorce most of the time. Quite often separation means "trying out a new guy/girl and you can't stop me". Is that your situation?



krockette said:


> I still love her but know I need to protect myself. I can't be too nice. Especially I don't want to be extra nice thinking it will change her mind. Maybe we can still be friends.


Protect yourself, yes. Don't try to "win" her back, that looks pathetic and weak. And don't try to be friends, that would draw out your healing for a long time. Every time you see her, the memories come flooding back. If you can do it, you should have as little contact as possible, and then only text or email. Any children? If not then you can reduce contact to literally zero using intermediaries.

I know you don't _want to do that, but I'm telling you that you *need_ to do that.

Best of luck to you, sorry your marriage is disintegrating right before your eyes. In my opinion, helps if you can get angry about the loss and then channel that toward something useful.

Above all, take care of yourself first right now. Eat right, keep a healthy lifestyle, and try to be active and make some new friends. Move on with your life.


----------



## krockette (2 mo ago)

Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm still learning this site. I posted an introduction which should answer most of these questions. Hopefully I didn't mess it up. introduction 59 year old male

To answer questions:


BeyondRepair007 said:


> Do you go to church?
> I do not.
> What about your family?
> Estranged or distant.
> ...


----------



## krockette (2 mo ago)

Everything going on and I broke my phone. Took a day to get a new one through the mail covered by insurance. I hate smart phones and apps. Being a 'real' computer guy I prefer my desktop. She handled all the apps. It's been hours of work just getting texts setup for my meds, banking apps, veterinarian apps, and more.

Before I knew we were separating I had purchased everything for Thanksgiving dinner. It felt really good yesterday to give an elderly lady preparing to order an organic farmers market turkey my $20 deposit slip for an 18 pounder with a "happy Thanksgiving". She was delighted. Even the clerk explained "That was nice".

I have plans now to travel to close relatives for a visit and the meal. They are allowing me to prepare a few specialties. How could they refuse since some of them are grandma and Aunt Hazels recipes for rolls and sticky buns they haven't enjoyed for years? I'm really looking forward to the visit. To forget for a while and to be around humans that love me. Especially since I don't get out much (I work from home).

I feel that I have accepted that this is happening. Others have suggested I start feeling angry to make thing easier but that just isn't me. I've been accused of being too nice in the past and perhaps I am again what with letting her stay in the spare room until she gets an apartment. I don't believe in hate or wishing ill in another. I still have the hope that I can get through this and still wish her all the best in life.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

krockette said:


> I'm sharing my journal entries, sorry it's last first.
> 
> 11/19
> 
> ...


At 65 years old you have my heartfelt sympathy this has happened to you.
Can you tell us how old is your wife and what went wrong with your marriage?
Is there any chance of a reconciliation with your wife?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

gameopoly5 said:


> At 65 years old you have my heartfelt sympathy this has happened to you.
> Can you tell us how old is your wife and what went wrong with your marriage?
> Is there any chance of a reconciliation with your wife?


She is a 20 year younger overseas bride …. No I’m not joking.

Change your view point any ?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

krockette ….. it’s a bit late in life for you but you REALLY need to learn a lesson about the difference between men and women. Both men and women can love the same “in love” way but a woman can also love in a different fashion. This additional fashion is that she can continue a relationship for purely practical reasons and nothing more. That is the way she loved you. You were an opportunity and she took it.


----------



## krockette (2 mo ago)

I realize I dumped this out without any background. I did post an introduction after I posted this. introduction 59 year old male


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> She is a 20 year younger overseas bride …. No I’m not joking.
> 
> Change your view point any ?


Yes certainly does.
I live in Thailand and have seen many old westerners come over here seeking the girls of their dreams, believing they can rekindle their younger days again.
Most end up broke and having to return to their own countries wiped out financially and destitute.
Ah well, appears can`t really help the OP in this situation.


----------

