# Wife Cancelled Kid's Lessons



## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

My child has been seeing a great art teacher for private weekly sessions at our house at a super reasonable price. I found this teacher at an artists' market randomly and my kid really likes the class.

Today after the lesson my wife said this teacher is forbidden from coming over ever again. She cancelled it permanently. I asked her why since my kid likes it and she gave the following reasons:

-The teacher didn't say hi to her during the class when she came back from shopping, nor when she left the house.

-Wife was upset that teaching took place on the dining table as she wanted time to tidy up the house. (Usually it's taught outside but since it's getting colder I told her it's ok to teach inside.)

-Wife said I always talk to her after the class etc. and she isn't involved.

In my view the teacher was concentrating on teaching my kid and so didn't say anything. The dining room table was clean as was the rest of the area. Since she is starting out and thus charges almost nothing she asked for help in the beginning in finding work elsewhere and since for my job I am always out and about in the community I am able to find possible places for her to consider. My wife could always talk to her as well if she wished. I never stopped her. In fact, I thought I was doing her a favor since she always complains about being so busy and tired from her 2 community college classes she's taking.

So now my kid is suffering due to my wife's insistence. She even threatened to go back to her home country if she wasn't let go immediately. We've been married close to 20 years with a house and 2 kids. There is no way she would go back I'm sure. What do you all think of this?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

All I've got in response to this is...what. the. frick.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

There is more going on here than the art teacher. Your wife is not being completely truthful with you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, people DO get rubbed the wrong way. She might just hate this teacher. You are not there watching the student/teacher interaction, but she is. If she fired the teacher, unless you wife is normally batsh*t crazy, I would back her up if I was you. 

you do not know the whole story, but I can think of some bad reasons the teacher might have been fired.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> So now my kid is suffering due to my wife's insistence. She even threatened to go back to her home country if she wasn't let go immediately. We've been married close to 20 years with a house and 2 kids. There is no way she would go back I'm sure. What do you all think of this?



Is this art teacher very attractive? Sounds like wife sees her as a threat to your marriage.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" I found this teacher at an artists' market randomly"

"Wife said I always talk to her after the class etc. and she isn't involved."

" I am always out and about in the community I am able to find possible places for her to consider."

yeah, your wife thinks you're a little tooooo close to the cute, young art teacher.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

ReidWright said:


> " I found this teacher at an artists' market randomly"
> 
> "Wife said I always talk to her after the class etc. and she isn't involved."
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Willa (Sep 9, 2014)

Support wife. Forget about the art teacher.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep support your wife on this. She's not comfortable with how friendly you are with the art teacher. 

And what's wrong with the art teacher? She come into you home and cannot even say hello to your wife? Really? This makes it look even more like there is an issue with your relationship with the teacher.

How about you find an art teacher who is either some woman who you would not be chatting up or some guy that your wife would not be interested in?


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> And what's wrong with the art teacher? She come into you home and cannot even say hello to your wife? Really? This makes it look even more like there is an issue with your relationship with the teacher.


No, my wife came back from shopping while she was teaching and didn't say hi. IMO that's because she was teaching. At the end when she was leaving my wife was not nearby and also didn't say anything.



EleGirl said:


> How about you find an art teacher who is either some woman who you would not be chatting up or some guy that your wife would not be interested in?


For the price I'm paying that'll be impossible. And my kid really likes her. But anyway, it's not up to me.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think there's more involved than this but thanks much for your viewpoints!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Can't kids take art at school? My son does. 

I agree with others......whether or not there is "more to the story" (as there likely is,) your W needs to be supported on this. And while you are out running around trying to find work for this college aged art student, don't forget your W exists too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I would can the art teacher. It's not worth causing a rift between you and your wife. Your wife's radar is up about this person for whatever reason, and you should respect that.

A bit off topic, but frankly I don't see how this woman can make much money driving around to individual houses hauling tons of art supplies.

When my kids were young, there was a lady in the neighborhood who set up an art studio in her basement. She had loads of kids sign up for after-school and evening classes. All of her supplies were right there, she didn't have to junk up other people's dining rooms, the kids could leave their art projects there to dry, or go into the kiln, or whatever.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Art lessons? 

Seriously? Art/crafts etc is something that parent should be doing with their children. 

It's part of parenting.

Rest of the drama you are dealing with I can't help you with cause "paying for art" = doing it wrong (TO ME).

:scratchhead:

It's no different than paying thousands for "art degree"......


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, after reading your other threads, I suspect that your wife's background has a lot to do with her not wanting the young female art teacher in your home. When she was 19, she took a job and quickly became the mistress of the older married boss. It's a little unclear from your posts whether or not that was entirely consensual on her part, and you don't seem to be clear on that either. I think it likely that your wife sees the art teacher as the young female employee that her husband is now preying on - or at least interested in. She may simply assume that your young employee is exchanging sexual favors for your help in getting and keeping work. Even with a cultural background that has trained her to accept a husband having such arrangements while the wife pretends not to notice, having the other woman in her home might be considered too much. I think there's likely some cultural and/or personal history stuff going on here that needs consideration.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Her unilateral decision is bull.

If a man did this the women here would be sayin you should trust your wife.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> while you are out running around trying to find work for this college aged art student


Well, when you put it like that... 

For the record I'm not running around trying to find her work but if I run into an art gallery owner who offers classes yes I'll ask about the possibility.

She's not college aged, mid-twenties. She has other art-type work she does. Not sure why she charged such a low price but I do feel guilty about that.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I think it likely that your wife sees the art teacher as the young female employee that her husband is now preying on - or at least interested in. She may simply assume that your young employee is exchanging sexual favors for your help in getting and keeping work.


That's definitely a possibility. Nothing's going on, and nothing has ever gone on in the past so I asked why she doesn't trust me and she didn't have an answer. So maybe it's something that goes back to her work life years ago. Kind of makes sense.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Her unilateral decision is bull.
> 
> If a man did this the women here would be sayin you should trust your wife.


What's worse is she hasn't even let the teacher know! She's supposed to come back next week so shouldn't she have the decency to let the teacher know ASAP that she won't be needed? (She said she'd contact the teacher herself).

I know if I ask her she'll say she's been busy with other things and is tired etc. And then she'll start blaming me so I don't even want to ask to begin with. Ugh.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

bravo29 said:


> -Wife said I always talk to her after the class etc. and she isn't involved.


Wife's alarm bells are going off. Your wife senses the chemistry and sparks between you and the teacher.

If you insist on keeping said teacher over your wife's intuition and objections, you are proving your wife is right. Your loyalty goes to the teacher not the wife.

*YOU* need to let the teacher know you are letting her go (if you value your wife and your M)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Her unilateral decision is bull.
> 
> If a man did this the women here would be sayin you should trust your wife.


Ain't that the truth....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Wife's alarm bells are going off. Your wife senses the chemistry and sparks between you and the teacher.
> 
> If you insist on keeping said teacher over your wife's intuition and objections, you are proving your wife is right. Your loyalty goes to the teacher not the wife.
> 
> *YOU* need to let the teacher know you are letting her go (if you value your wife and your M)


I agree with the general sentiment that the OP needs to back up his wife.....BUT ONLY after his wife comes out and says what's really wrong.

Sorry but if my wife did something a little extreme for her nature but wouldn't talk to me about it and made unilateral decisions without my consent and without explaining why, my support for it isn't going to be 100%.

If my wife said, I'm not comfortable with what's going on between you and the art teacher. I'd back her 100% and also look at what in my behavior could've made my wife less than 100% secure in me, because it's a two fold problem.

But sorry, if you're just going to fly off the handle half cokked, make decisions that affect me and negatively affect our child without explaining yourself...you're not getting my full support. We're a team and we need to act as one.

If my wife expressed herself fully to me, I'd take on calling the teacher, because I hired the teacher, I should fire. If my wife didn't...that's on her.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

DoF said:


> > Quote:
> > Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
> > Her unilateral decision is bull.
> >
> ...


Really? 


Your wife meats Mr Atlas at a karate conference and invites him home to teach your son karate. 
Your wife chats him up every time he is there, communicates with him regularly about his life and job situation, and attempts to network him in for various employment opportunities.
Mr. Atlas ignores you and is rude to you when he comes into your home, but is very cheery and talkative chatting up your W
You sense the sparks flying and the chemistry between them. Wifey is wet between the legs over him...
You decide Mr. Atlas needs to be fired

Then your W goes on a forum and whines about what an unreasonable pr!ck you are unilaterally deciding Mr. Wonderful Atlas needs to go.

Really? You wouldn't care if your W did that? :scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Just cancel your wife's credit cards and everything should resolve naturally and life will return to normal.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Dof And Chillymorn aren't reading the same TAM as I am!

When a wife is out of line, men are told to issue a D ultimatum within the first few replies, to cut off the money, to man up and go out and flirt with other women because the wife is easily replaceable with a younger hotter model...

But a woman should put up with this obvious over-interest and infatuation :scratchhead:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Blonde said:


> Really?
> 
> 
> Your wife meats Mr Atlas at a karate conference and invites him home to teach your son karate.
> ...


twist things around much????????


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Just cancel your wife's credit cards and everything should resolve naturally and life will return to normal.


:lol::rofl:

What good timing! 
Yep, cut of her money. Women need to be very tightly controlled at all times (with no vice versa EVER!!!) OP Good thing you got a submissive foreigner and not an American feminazi. Count your blessings


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Husband makes unilateral decision to hire young art teacher of his children. 

Wife does not want husband bringing young thing to the house to flirt with... so wife undoes the husband s unilateral decision.
I
Seems very fair to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Blonde said:


> Dof And Chillymorn aren't reading the same TAM as I am!
> 
> When a wife is out of line, men are told to issue a D ultimatum within the first few replies, to cut off the money, to man up and go out and flirt with other women because the wife is easily replaceable with a younger hotter model...
> 
> But a woman should put up with this obvious over-interest and infatuation :scratchhead:


I don't really see any of the thing you describe here as a rule.


now if the guys wife came to him and said I feel alittle uneasy with the art teacher. can we talk about it.

that would be different than losing your cool and just demanding that they not use her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Husband makes unilateral decision to hire young art teacher of his children.
> 
> Wife does not want husband bringing young thing to the house to flirt with... so wife undoes the husband s unilateral decision.
> I
> ...


I did not see that in any of his post I assumed they hired her together.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Husband makes unilateral decision to hire young female art teacher for his children.
> 
> Wife does not want husband bringing young thing to the house to flirt with... so wife undoes the husband's unilateral decision.
> 
> Seems very fair to me.


:iagree::iagree:

You hired this young 20 something woman without your wife's consent/agreement and are now mad that she said no? 

You didn't take her feelings into account and now need to respect her decision to fire the teacher.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

bravo29 said:


> *My child has been seeing a great art teacher for private weekly sessions at our house at a super reasonable price. I found this teacher at an artists' market randomly and my kid really likes the class.*
> 
> Today after the lesson my wife said this teacher is forbidden from coming over ever again. She cancelled it permanently. I asked her why since my kid likes it and she gave the following reasons:
> 
> ...





chillymorn said:


> I did not see that in any of his post I assumed they hired her together.


See the above. No where in his post did he say him & his wife hired the art teacher. The husband also seems to go out of his way to promote said art teacher to others. The wife is noticing that he chats her up at every lesson.

I don't blame the wife not one bit. She is uncomfortable & she is protecting her marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP tried to do a great thing for his daughter, and was not flirting and did not have any sexual intent, nor had he done so with anyone else in the past, according to him. His wife displayed irrational jealousy with no prior precedent to feel that way and fired the teacher, without discussing it with him or looking for ways that would improve her comfort level so their daughter could continue to enjoy this benefit.

In the big picture, this is not a big deal, except as a sign that they both need to greatly improve their communication to avoid future misunderstandings.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JustTired said:


> See the above. No where in his post did he say him & his wife hired the art teacher. The husband also seems to go out of his way to promote said art teacher to others. The wife is noticing that he chats her up at every lesson.
> 
> I don't blame the wife not one bit. She is uncomfortable & she is protecting her marriage.


no where dose it specify that she wasn't included in the decission either.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

OP here. Just to clarify how it went down. I checked out a local artists market. I asked about times they were open. One woman at a table answered my question and we started talking about her art as I found it interesting. Then as I was leaving she mentioned she taught children. She didn't know I had children. I asked about price expecting it to be too much and would then thank her and that would be the end of it. She mentioned a very cheap price and so I took her card.

Later that day I told my wife about the artist, gave her the card and showed her the website with her artwork. We both agreed to hire this artist and see how it went. My kid enjoyed the lesson. At the end the artist mentioned that she is trying to get into this area so she charged a low price for the time being and that if we knew of anyone interested in lessons to let her know. We agreed and she came over weekly.

Yes, I did talk to her after the lesson for a few minutes. I didn't stop my wife from talking with her if she wanted to. I met a gallery owner (a female!) and talked to her for quite a while related to my job. I think it would be quite natural for me to mention this artist to her to see if they can make a connection. What's wrong with that?

As to firing the teacher, my wife explicitly told me to give her the teacher's email and she would send the email, that I was NOT To email her. So that is where it stands. I haven't contacted the teacher and she hasn't either no doubt because she is 'too tired' from her 2 college classes she takes during the week.

BTW there is absolutely no flirting on either of our parts in any way. Unless you consider being friendly flirting.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

is this the first time, or is your wife often jealous of any female contact you have? I am trying to fathom why she over-reacted the way she did. Also, any prior trouble that she knows about or suspected between you and other women?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oops. Really read where this is headed, excuse my post.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My daughter is a senior in college majoring in design. Her people are very artsy and indeed they are a lot "friendlier" than your friendly math or Latin major 

They are also peculiar in a sense. So, the OP could do well by telling his wife to get real and get a life. I'm speaking as an art dad who has gone thru the motions and got to see first hand what it takes to get from an budding art student at age 10 to a design professional.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> is this the first time, or is your wife often jealous of any female contact you have? I am trying to fathom why she over-reacted the way she did. Also, any prior trouble that she knows about or suspected between you and other women?


There' aren't generally females over the house so this is the first time I suppose. There has been no prior trouble or suspicions in the past either. Maybe she's surprised I can have a nice conversation with a female and that worries her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bravo,

How old is your child?

How many other people have you paid in the past to come to your house to give your child private lessons? What were they teaching? How old were the teachers and where they male or female?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It all comes down to jealousy. The fact is, it's there now, and I doubt it's going to disappear.

I've been on the outer with conversations and it's not just a matter of stepping in and including yourself for some people. You should know after 20yrs of marriage if that's something your wife can do naturally with people she doesn't know well. If it's not, then as a husband, you should know this and make the effort to include her rather than just dump the issue onto her shoulders and act self righteous about it. That's what spouses do for each other imo.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

JustTired said:


> See the above. No where in his post did he say him & his wife hired the art teacher. The husband also seems to go out of his way to promote said art teacher to others. The wife is noticing that he chats her up at every lesson.
> 
> I don't blame the wife not one bit. She is uncomfortable & she is protecting her marriage.


Yeah, after reading through, it definitely appears the OP made a unilateral decision to hire the art teacher. It should've been a joint discussion, so I don't fault the wife for putting a kabosh on it.

The only thing I'd recommend is better communication between the OP and his wife. It seems that they're making too many decisions, that could build resentment, without discussing anything.

The OP can build resentment for his wife's actions and the wife could DEFINITELY build resentment over the OP's actions.



murphy5 said:


> is this the first time, or is your wife often jealous of any female contact you have? I am trying to fathom why she over-reacted the way she did. Also, any prior trouble that she knows about or suspected between you and other women?


I don't think she overreacted. The OP meets a mid 20's female art teacher at some artist thing..all of a sudden she's in their home teaching their child, he's trying to find her opportunities in the community...etc. etc. If I was the wife here, I'd wonder why he suddenly took such a big interest in a total stranger. Her jealousy, and more so caution, is completely justified.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Bravo, I hope you realize the opportunity you have here with your wife. You have a chance to build something stronger.

Your wife's actions tell you she loves you, she wants you but she's also not feeling very secure in you and the relationship. You now have a choice.

You can take the path of getting annoyed with her actions (shutting down this STRANGER, keep in mind, you can still sign your child up for classes somewhere else). This path tells your wife that you don't care about her insecurity (justified or not, and yes I see her feelings as justified). Which turns on a cycle of her feeling EVEN LESS SECURE.....you see where this path goes I hope.

You can also take the path of empathy. You can tell her how you are sorry for setting things up with the art teacher without talking to her first and also for any hard feelings that she experienced from it. Tell her you want to make it up to her by taking her on a romantic date night. (AND THEN DO IT). You don't have to connect the dots of her jealousy. Giving the answer of a date night will do that for her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would say that since your wife wants this lady gone let it go and tell her next time you would like to have adult conversations about this and make these decisions together. I would also tell her to find a new art teacher to replace the one she just canned.

Now if this is her reaction to everything I would say you have an issue. If this is a one time thing she obviously just didn't like her for whatever reason jealously or not.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You can tell her how you are sorry for setting things up with the art teacher without talking to her first


I never set things up without talking to my wife first. Please read my post from 09-11-2014 12:47 PM.


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Just an update. My wife never emailed the teacher to cancel. I asked her if she was planning to email her. She said maybe and I said that it would be rude to email with only one day's notice so she should come one more time and if she still wanted to cancel after that she could.

During the lesson I left for an errand with my other kid so she could deal with the teacher herself. After I got back when she was gone I asked her how it went and she said it went fine. No problems whatsoever. I asked if she still wanted to cancel and she said no.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

I think that your wife's pride was hurt. She sees herself (you and her) as the one paying this woman for her services, as well as one of the heads of household-, yet the woman does not seem to respect her by not greeting her.

And on top of it, she feels undermined somewhat- bc the teacher has more of a connection to you (conversations, initial meet, and job hunting help)- than her- again- all while not being greeted. 

That, and your wife's past history- of being young, and an older bosses' mistress- made things flare up that one particular day. But as time went by, and she was able to calm down- perhaps she put some things into perspective such as how much your child enjoyed the lesson. 

Question- what is your wife's ethnic background? (you mentioned home country). In asian cultures- its EXTREMELY rude- to not greet someone.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Bravo, I hope you realize the opportunity you have here with your wife. You have a chance to build something stronger.
> 
> Your wife's actions tell you she loves you, she wants you but she's also not feeling very secure in you and the relationship. You now have a choice.
> 
> ...


I'm quoting this again because it's still a poignant issue. The "damage" (I'm using that term loosely) that was done still exists for your wife


_You can also take the path of empathy. You can tell her how you are sorry for setting things up with the art teacher without talking to her first and also for any hard feelings that she experienced from it. Tell her you want to make it up to her by taking her on a romantic date night. (AND THEN DO IT). You don't have to connect the dots of her jealousy. Giving the answer of a date night will do that for her._


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> _You can also take the path of empathy. You can tell her how you are sorry for setting things up with the art teacher without talking to her first and also for any hard feelings that she experienced from it._


I'm not sure what's not getting through because I've replied more than once that:
"I never set things up without talking to my wife first. Please read my post from 09-11-2014 12:47 PM."


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## bravo29 (Sep 7, 2014)

IcePrincess28 said:


> I think that your wife's pride was hurt. She sees herself (you and her) as the one paying this woman for her services, as well as one of the heads of household-, yet the woman does not seem to respect her by not greeting her.
> 
> And on top of it, she feels undermined somewhat- bc the teacher has more of a connection to you (conversations, initial meet, and job hunting help)- than her- again- all while not being greeted.
> 
> ...


She is Asian and I think you make very good points.


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