# Relationship Update



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Greetings all,

My wife and I are still engaged in a conversation that's about a week long at this point.

She and I both desire to take one more run at it. Both of us are hearing and seeing things we've never experienced from the other in the past.

Many hurdles loom ahead, such as re-integrating our children into the nest.

Yes, I did think we were done last month (even last week).

Wish us luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Good luck bro, wish the best for ya


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yup, i wish you both well


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sometimes it takes hitting the very bottom of the barrell -before we realize "WTF are we doing, how did we get here!" I kinda thought this might happen, helps to see the gravity after you get a vision of what the future may be like without the other in it. 

You'll both be stronger than ever - if you make it back. Wonderful news !


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sometimes it takes hitting the very bottom of the barrell -before we realize "WTF are we doing, how did we get here!" I kinda thought this might happen, helps to see the gravity after you get a vision of what the future may be like without the other in it.
> 
> You'll both be stronger than ever - if you make it back. Wonderful news !


There were revelations on both sides.

MEM wrote something the other day about passive aggressive men who are silent about this or that for YEARS on end and one day - without any warning - show up in leather, on a motorcycle, with a new biker beatch in tow.

Nobody saw it coming. He was such a "nice guy".

There are a few areas where we simply were not connecting - and my resentment of those issues was off the charts.

Not sure I'd ever recommend a "trial separation" as a conscious act. But, if your partner wants to leave, you are best off not trying to stop them. It will give them time to think.

As Wolf says, be confident that they are lucky to have you. And act that way.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Would never have pegged you as a passive aggressive type. Hey! I was the master. So terribly easy to fix once you have the mindset to do so.

Great news!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Not sure I'd ever recommend a "trial separation" as a conscious act. But, if your partner wants to leave, you are best off not trying to stop them. It will give them time to think.


And you shouldn't because a trial separation is often used - or I should say, abused - to pursue a relationship with another man or woman. And even if it doesn't, being separated does nothing for reconciliation.



> As Wolf says, be confident that they are lucky to have you. And act that way.


Not just 'be' confident but 'act' confident. If you have a cake eating spouse or simply a spouse that wants a trial separation to "find myself" - his eyes rolled - In most cases, the best thing you can do is "Go directly to court. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200."


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Not sure I'd ever recommend a "trial separation" as a conscious act. But, if your partner wants to leave, you are best off not trying to stop them. It will give them time to think.
> 
> As Wolf says, be confident that they are lucky to have you. And act that way.


I think that's the best attitude! 

And they'd better act and wake up quickly, or we have found somebody better! 

If they want to stay, they'd better treat us the way we want to be treated, or they can just go far away!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Would never have pegged you as a passive aggressive type. Hey! I was the master. So terribly easy to fix once you have the mindset to do so.
> 
> Great news!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have some passive aggressive parts.

When you simply are unable to connect on subjects for years at a time? The resulting hostility can be ugly. I was furious for a few weeks. I didn't post any particulars about my situation, but several folks helped behind the scenes.

Wife and I are actually examining the breakdowns we had together - for the first time. No one is ready to declare any sort of "victory", but there is reason to hope.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Precipice Dance. You have already demonstrated that you are prepared to 'step off'.

Once it becomes clear what both stand to lose, or choose to gain, a world of possibilities that didn't seem so possible, present themselves.

Wish you both well.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Wishing you both well. It's obvious that behind all the issues you have great love and admiration for your wife. The rest can be sorted between the two of you if you both want it to be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Wishing you both well. It's obvious that behind all the issues you have great love and admiration for your wife. The rest can be sorted between the two of you if you both want it to be.


I echo the exact same sentiments to you and your husband.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good luck!

I hope you both end up even stronger for going through all of this.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I'm very optimistic for you.

Continue to make your relationship everything you imagine it can be.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad - You seem to be such a wonderful man. I hope you and your wife see through all of the detritus of life and view each other clearly. I read a report recently that may be encouraging, http://www.americanvalues.org/DoesDivorceMakePeopleHappy.pdf

The very best wishes commin' at cha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Conrad - You seem to be such a wonderful man. I hope you and your wife see through all of the detritus of life and see each other clearly. I read a report recently that may be encouraging, http://www.americanvalues.org/DoesDivorceMakePeopleHappy.pdf
> 
> The very best wishes commin' at cha.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:

Conrad, best of luck. Personally, I grow more and more amazed at the complexity of something that at it's core I would assume to be simple. The report Catherine listed just seems to add to that complexity. I like the line "Marriages are not happy or unhappy — spouses are." Oversimplification - yes but with a very interesting aspect. From my own perspective I have learned (to some degree) that my level of happiness or unhappiness is a lot more under my control than that of my spouse. She plays a huge part but when I catch myself whining (to myself) I know I need to look long and hard in the mirror. It's like one of my favorite quotes that I use on whining friends - "the only thing consistent in your bad relationships is you". While marriage is a partnership I just really wonder if we are simply seeing more and more selfishness as the root problem and most can't admit it.

Conrad, sorry to hijack your thread. I'm thinking out loud. You and others make some great points.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm actually pleased to report we've hit a couple of bumps. We've agreed to do some counseling, but - get this - we're now able to talk to each other much more directly without hostility.

Of course, our romance is back - in spades.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I'm actually pleased to report we've hit a couple of bumps. We've agreed to do some counseling, but - get this - we're now able to talk to each other much more directly without hostility.
> 
> Of course, our romance is back - in spades.


:smthumbup:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You know Conrad I don’t have many regrets but one of them is not going on a marriage enrichment programme. I’m absolutely convinced that both partners carry the structures and dynamics of their parents marriages into their own marriage. And if it’s a second marriage then there’ll be a whole cacophony of structures and dynamics in the new marriage.

My understanding is that marriage enrichment programmes layout the structure and dynamics seen in “happy and successful” marriages. They’re a series of presentations, without audience participation. So very different to MC.

After I’d separated I spoke with a couple who run such a programme. Some info:

Building Strong Foundations
The Art of Communication
Resolving Conflict
The Power of Forgiveness
The Impact of Family – Past and Present
Good Sex
Love in Action

Marriage Course

Don’t wait until the next blow-out. Ha!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When you simply are unable to connect on subjects for years at a time? The resulting hostility can be ugly.


Yeah it can. Glad you two are working it out. Good luck


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad,

Hugs, support, prayers, from me to you both.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I love to see people making progress in restoring their relationship. You can fall in love all over again. The embers are there; you just have to blow on them (pun intended).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> I love to see people making progress in restoring their relationship. You can fall in love all over again. The embers are there; you just have to blow on them (pun intended).


As often as possible.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> I love to see people making progress in restoring their relationship. You can fall in love all over again. The embers are there; you just have to blow on them (pun intended).


Ahhh yes blowing is a sure fired way of lighting the path to love and intimacy. Highly recommended. :smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Ahhh yes blowing is a sure fired way of lighting the path to love and intimacy. Highly recommended. :smthumbup:


We loaned our electric leaf blower to a friend. We both head over there from time to time. She asked if I could retrieve it if she forgot. Asked if I wanted to make it a contest. I said, whoever retrieves it first gets blown first.

You'd be amazed how quickly it made it's way back to our house.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Nobody can do undo or redo anything that has already happened, but anyone and everyone can reconcile and put it behind them. It's rightful, it's best for all and it's God's will. You and your wife both have my prayers and my blessings.

Btw, I can definitely be passive aggressive


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad said:


> We loaned our electric leaf blower to a friend. We both head over there from time to time. She asked if I could retrieve it if she forgot. Asked if I wanted to make it a contest. I said, whoever retrieves it first gets blown first.
> 
> You'd be amazed how quickly it made it's way back to our house.


:rofl:

Sounds like progress!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Sounds like progress!!


Catherine,

It was time to pay the piper last night. We were to have a motorcycle ride, dinner out, and then a hotel room.

Of course, she had our grandson, so things got started a bit late. Motorcycle got subbed for convertible. Red Robin got subbed for Bandana's. Blow-out night got subbed for some initial passion then a long night's sleep in each other's arms.

Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I hope you know that partial payment incurs interest. I pray that all is going well. 

I am going though a big change in my life. We are moving back to our home city. My husband has a new position which is big career advance. There was no full- time position for me so, for the first time in my adult life, (not counting when i had kids) i will be not be working full time. 

We are looking for housing now and selling our house. I resigned my full-time position; my last day was the end of July. I am having major anxiety attacks, \. My best friend has been very supportive but our relationship will change substantially. He has always wanted me to decrease my work time. Stress makes me crazy occasionally, well maybe at the end of each semester is not so infrequent. So we will see.

Sorry to hijack your thread. May i ask if you and your wife have ever had major transitions in your marriage that changed the dynamic between you two? How did you weather the transition?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

All systems are still "go". It feels strange (in a good way) to be direct and honest on subjects that were strictly forbidden in the past. Success breeds success. The more you see your partner exhibiting grace when you know the pressure is enormous, the more slack you can extend in tense moments.

We had a long leisurely bike ride yesterday. It was dead letter perfect and we were set for "payment of my debt" at the end. Suffice it to say, I was ready for the celebration. 

Of course, we pull into our driveway and her daughter's car is parked there. This is the 100th breakup with Baby Daddy, so we seamlessly shifted gears into Mom and stepfather. We're cutting a deal that includes rent-to-own housing, counseling, paternity suit, etc. - what my better half calls "boot camp" for her daughter - with her as overseer. We jokingly refer to grandson and her daugther as the "blow-job prevention team" - or BJPT for short.

Most of these transitions for us involve changing circumstances for the kids. We're getting better at handling them all the time. The more that is on the line, the less posturing and jockeying between us. It feels good.

I believe if you "attack" the increased amount of time you have (without full-time work), you'll find it very fulfilling. Make a point of doing nice things for each other simply to do them - not as payment of some debt. It's amazing how far that goes in building good will. I'm also amazed how few people actually do it.




Catherine602 said:


> I hope you know that partial payment incurs interest. I pray that all is going well.
> 
> I am going though a big change in my life. We are moving back to our home city. My husband has a new position which is big career advance. There was no full- time position for me so, for the first time in my adult life, (not counting when i had kids) i will be not be working full time.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> All systems are still "go". It feels strange (in a good way) to be direct and honest on subjects that were strictly forbidden in the past. Success breeds success. The more you see your partner exhibiting grace when you know the pressure is enormous, the more slack you can extend in tense moments.
> 
> We had a long leisurely bike ride yesterday. It was dead letter perfect and we were set for "payment of my debt" at the end. Suffice it to say, I was ready for the celebration.
> 
> ...


Chatterbox. But she is very special.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Conrad said:


> There were revelations on both sides.
> 
> MEM wrote something the other day about passive aggressive men who are silent about this or that for YEARS on end and one day - without any warning - show up in leather, on a motorcycle, with a new biker beatch in tow.
> 
> ...


Boy, does that last sentence describe me. I never thought about it in terms of being passive-aggressive, though. Might have to give that another think or two.

Conrad, was there a particular moment that you turned your situation around, or was it a succession of events? What did your "situation" consist of, exactly?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GT,

What started turning it around?

I read this thread and saw myself in it.

I'll bet you can too. Read all the links:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Conrad said:


> All systems are still "go". It feels strange (in a good way) to be direct and honest on subjects that were strictly forbidden in the past. Success breeds success. The more you see your partner exhibiting grace when you know the pressure is enormous, the more slack you can extend in tense moments.


I'm really glad you wrote this. 

Best wishes to you.


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