# "Hysterical bonding" after a EA or PA



## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

So I am curious to see what others experiances are with this, at the present time we ae 2 months out from Dday and my WW is the one that approached me to be intimate again, we had not been intimate in over 2 months. I have seen others say this has been the best lovemaking/sex that we have ever had in their relationships, I can say that it is true in my case.

Is she doing this as a way to show she cares and loves me, is she afraid of losing me now that the fog has cleared and is trying to make it up?

I feel that this connection is a great thing for us rebuilding our marriage as it has broken down several walls or barriers or areas of anger.

In conversations moving forward I will be telling her that we need to keep what we are doing right now as a focus in our relationship as we are both enjoying it.

Thoughts, advise, insight?


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

howcouldshe said:


> So I am curious to see what others experiances are with this, at the present time we ae 2 months out from Dday and my WW is the one that approached me to be intimate again, we had not been intimate in over 2 months. I have seen others say this has been the best lovemaking/sex that we have ever had in their relationships, I can say that it is true in my case.
> 
> Is she doing this as a way to show she cares and loves me, is she afraid of losing me now that the fog has cleared and is trying to make it up?
> 
> ...


Well, we did experience that, but in our case, there was truth to "enjoy it while it lasts". My WW hadn't come close to coming clean with her lifetime of affairs, so once sh!t really hit the fan and we hit rock bottom, we decided that sex just conflicts our emotions even more. I'm a very sexual person so I can handle being intimate and get back on my fence on whether I want to be in this relationship or not (yes, I know I'm nuts, thank you), but my WW can't handle the ups and downs, so in an effort to not mess things up even more, we're abstaining from future intimacy until we gain clarity on where things go from here (for her, it's all in, for me, it may be, but there is an aspect of too much damage, found too late).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There are a lot of motivations going on in her.

She's trying to recapture the passion of her affair.

She's trying to use sex to keep you around.

You should keep doing it with her as it reaffirms her connection to you for both of you. 

Be careful however if it suddenly stops or she no longer feels it - that could be a sign of her contacting the OM.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It happened to my wife and I. We had sex for the first time three days after I exposed my EA to my wife. It was the most emotionally connected she and I have ever been sexually speaking and was a truly incredible experience. She and I both commented on it the next day. I think we needed to be as close to each other as humanly possible given what I had just dropped on our relationship, and after she forgave me and I believed her, that was how we expressed it. We have managed to maintain it for the most part, but like everything else in a long term relationship it takes work as the feeling grows and matures. We also used it to break down walls and barriers and we communicate better and are closer now than we ever have been. What you have to do is just remember to continually push the openness and communication. It's easier now, right after your D Day because you are both way outside of your comfort zones, so being extremely open is really not an issue because it doesn't really create any additional discomfort. As things settle down and your comfort zones reestablish themselves, it will get a little more difficult as true openness can be a little uncomfortable. Every time you feel those comfort zone barriers creeping into the back of your mind, bust through them and connect with your wife. It takes work, but it's well worth it. Good Luck!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife had an EA/PA (no intercourse). We are 9 months out.
Previous to the affair our sex life was lifeless and uninspiring. We had too many walls built up to enjoy one another…..to many issues. The affair tore all of that down in an instant. While I have had some sexual issues (triggers and weird hand-ups) that I did not have before, we quickly started and have continued to have the best sex of our lives. I’m talking crazy, freaky, mind-blowing sex. I don’t know how many first’s we have had since D-Day but I’m seriously running out of ideas these days. Got to enjoy it…and keep it going. I told her last night that I want us to be madly in love and passionate into our 60’s at least.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We had some of the best sex ever after we both confessed what we did. Crazy.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I, too experienced the great sex thing some time after DDay. 
I will say there's likely to be ups and downs to it. You cannot expect it to be any sort of 'requirement'...great sex is not something you can force nor demand; it happens as a result of external forces and occurrences way beyond the bedroom. It happens more because you don't expect or demand it than anything. It happens because like sigma said, the walls are broken down. In my case, my WW said later in MC it's because she figured she had nothing left to lose, so she simply let herself go and be in the moment, probably for the first time in her life. 

I'm a little hung up on my interpretation of your last comment that you will tell her you need to keep doing this... it can't be forced, and you're going to go thrugh emotional highs and lows as the process toward R unfolds...it is likely to ebb and flow with those emotions. The better you realize that, the less likely you are to falter on any 'bad days' and allow them to turn into bad weeks because the sex wasn't as sizzling, or even worse, didn't happen at all because one or both of you wasn't realkly in the mood due to the emotional rollercoaster you're on. Nothing wrong with bonding and connecting in this way, but it should kind of be the result, not the cause of the R efforts...

PS Don't discount the possibility that the extra-extra effort could be a tool to covering up further details, or even underground activities...ie, keep thinking with the big head...


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

After the discovery of my ex's A, we had sex twice. And both times it was incredible. But, after the second time, I decided to never be with him again. Now I have built up such a wall of total disgust towards him that the very thought of him touching me repulses me.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I haven't touched him since the day I found out. I am repulsed by him

ETA: Apple, I just read your post LOL


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Perhaps she is truly remorseful and great sex is one of her "baby steps".

Or...

...she's trying to give you what you want and tell you what you want to hear so that you'll get off of her case.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Apple--remember the toothbrush-dog phase? It's my favorite!


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> After the discovery of my ex's A, we had sex twice. And both times it was incredible. But, after the second time, I decided to never be with him again. Now I have built up such a wall of total disgust towards him that the very thought of him touching me repulses me.


Yes. Kind of in this position as well. When it happens(d), it was amazing. Right now, I have no desire to touch her. She's weak and I could seduce her (she's the DS), but I'm kind and don't want to give her false hope to just get my rocks off.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Apple--remember the toothbrush-dog phase? It's my favorite!


An important phase in letting go


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months now and we have regular, amazing sex. Probably the best since our dating days. I know it helps him open up emotionally. I like it because it's very connecting right now...I hope it keeps up. (oh...neither of us had an affair...maybe i shouldn't have posted... )


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

My experience with 'hysterical bonding' ended with hysterical bawling. Albeit amazing sex, it was a huge huge mistake. 
Now I want to have sex so badly but I won't go near that again. I spent the last 5 mins of it picture him bending the OW over her couch and her naked. NOT something I like thinking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Perhaps she is truly remorseful and great sex is one of her "baby steps".I have thought that as well, kind of a way to try and make things work.......
> 
> Or...
> 
> ...she's trying to give you what you want and tell you what you want to hear so that you'll get off of her case.This is also a very real possibility as she seems to think that I should be forgiving her for the A even though she has not taken ownership for it fully and gets angry at me when I have bad days and what not......


The day that she asked me for the 1st time was the day after she got her test results back that she was 100% clean and no issues and I think she was ready to go once she got that info.

I can tell you I am very skeptical and I am using the head between my ears to think about things not the head down low.......

Thanks everyone for the great advise and keep it coming.


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## Frankaz (Aug 22, 2011)

I've heard of this but there's no way I'm touching her anytime soon.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

I have completely distanced myself from him when it comes to any kind of affection. I cannot get the visions and thoughts out of my mind of him with the OW.

I guess everyone is different.


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