# Husband, the most wonderful



## happyandwhat (Aug 15, 2013)

I am posting this here hoping that I would get some opinion from you. Let me give you some bg.

My husband and I are married for almost 3 years now. He brings all the money in the house even if I work earning some pennies. I would put it that way because he doesn't want me paying any of our bills instead just put it in my wallet or spend in my personal needs. When I went to college my brother has helped me until I graduated and now I am giving back a little while he goes back to college. So it's like that's where my "little pennies" goes. We have talked about this before I entered our marriage. This was never issue at all.

My husband makes around $160,000 a year plus bonus. But we do not have any savings in the bank except from his 401k and that's it. We have debts in our credit cards (me as authorized user) that's totalled $25,000. Some of it was his debt before we got married from vacations we had that I didn't know were all put into his credit card. And that's fine.
We live in a decent community (surrounded by million dollar houses) owned a condo unit and I am now 3 months pregnant and had stopped working for health reasons and will just continue making sure our first baby is healthy as per agreement.
We have $3000 monthly mortgage and all other bills would total another $1500. Every once in a while we would help my family around $50 to $100 a month and we also pay his father's monthly utilities. No issues.
Here's the issue. My husband has been taking out money from his retirement with my consent of course for some valid reason that I approved but...We have the money back $5000 that even if we put back to the retirement we will still be taxed at the end of the year so my husband just want to keep the money at bank and so I told him to never use it because I am sure we will owe tax money at the end of the year. But that did not happen.
He told me that he only has $3000 left in the bank, after a month.
I was asking him where did WE put the money but he would tell me about debts that we have all put in credit cards before and not paid cash. So i thought it wasnt' valid. I do not have access to any of his bank accounts except from some credit cards.
I was not a spender. I am happy with a $10 tshirt. If I own something that cost more than a $75, that's his purchase for me. I do my own nails. I do not go to spa or salon as a routine unless I need a haircut. My point is he had to push me of buying something that is $60 or more. If I buy something, I use my debit from savings from my past job. I don't remember we ever buy something expensive or if we did, it's in the credit card.
We have a nice lifestyle, of going to the GROCERY not being too conservative about the price. Two of us in the house and we would prolly spent $1000 for grocery plus his 3 bottle of wine a week. We would drive around without being too cautious about gas, but we didn't went to any trip for months now.

I don't know if these make any sense, but I am concerned about NOT having any savings in the bank except 401k of course. he would always tell me that we are doing good (he could manage our finances-meaning pay) but I feel like we literally live in debt coz our credit card debt still goes on high. Knowing some of our friends who makes barely $60,000 a year could afford going on vacations with 2 KIDS, owned a house (different area in Cali) so this kinda freaked me out. 

How can I convince my husband to literally be more conservative in spending? I know, who ever makes money has something to say about it. but I am just worried about our future specially us having kids. He is almost 50 and have been single all his life and I kind of get it that it probably takes time to realize the lifestyle change but he doesn't buy much of pricey clothing. 
You think the $30-$40 wine three to four times a week has something to do with this, and when he doesn't like the taste put into trash after just a pour and buy another one?  (he will hate me for this)
Is my $4 french fries from a food chain once a week ruin our budget? :smthumbup:

I am not whining, seriously. I have the most wonderful husband and we are in a happy marriage. This spending is just really bothering me. 
Even if I spend $100 or more, he won't say anything. But I was born without money and he is the same but we have different views in spending. He loves his "What if I die tomorrow?" and I would answer back, "Well, I'll be left with all of our debt alone."

We don't party. Husband is home and work. It's hard for me to confront because he never wanted to fight about money. Or I get irritated when he would laugh coz he think I am over reacting.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Something is off, here. I would ask him to give you access to all account information and participation in all spending decisions. It's one thing to enjoy life today, but it's irresponsible to not save and plan for the future as well. Balance is the key. You may not need to be confrontational - you are asking to be informed and included. In a marriage, you have the right to know, and are legally co-owner and in many cases also responsible for debts


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## death and taxes (Jul 6, 2012)

Do you have a budget? Do you know where all your money goes each month? Have you talked with him about making a household budget?

You make a great income. Your mortgage isn't really out of line for an income that high.


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## Tom Tybee (Sep 5, 2013)

You are so right to be concerned. He is 50 with minimal retirement savings and a baby on the way? This is not responsible, you are right that if he dies (too much wine?) you may be left with debts and little money. I say “minimal retirement savings” because I do not think that enough savings can be put away into only the 401K in order to assure a comfortable retirement…especially when there is a young child. Of course, ‘your mileage may vary’… meaning that I am not privy to his account balance, his savings rate, etc. 

But at 50 he has now taken on new responsibilities, new wife and new child, and he is at an age where most of his working (earning and saving) career is gone. He really needs to buckle down to get his financial house in order for his new responsibilities.

In addition to retirement, he (both of you as a couple) need savings outside of retirement as well…for emergencies, etc, including replacing appliances, condo special assessments (roof replacement), new cars, etc. Was he a long-time bachelor? He may not be used to his new responsibilities and the changes it may require.


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## Tom Tybee (Sep 5, 2013)

Are you much younger than he is? I imagine so...he is near 50 and you are young enough to be pregnant. It is quite likely that you will outlive him. He really needs to step up to the plate. My wife is 11 years younger than me. I didn't fully realize it at the time we got married but I know now that I have to plan (and have done so) not to leave her a pauper widow!


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

I would be very concerned about the lack of savings and credit card debts. You didn't say how much money is in the 401K account but it's likely not enough for he to retire on. How much longer is he expected to work? Do you have any emergency fund besides the 401K? If he's out of job or something happens to his health, how many months would you be okay before draining the 401K account?

We have similar expenses and lifestyle to you so I can sort of guess what budget you need monthly. I think you need to first pay off the credit card debts, then start saving money. It doesn't have to be a lot, but little is better than nothing. If you need to cut or reduce some spending, so be it. 

You live in a high cost area (relatively to other states) and you're expecting a child. Raising a child is very expensive. Some study said it costs about $200,000 to raise a child to 18 years old. I have 2 kids and I think that number is too low .


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Yes, you should be concerned about your finances, especially with a baby on the way.

Your husband is 50, is he at least in a stable job/career? Does he have life/disability insurance?


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## happyandwhat (Aug 15, 2013)

Thank you for all your responses. As much as I wanted to respond to each of your question I'll just add more.
My husband has a stable job. He explains to me and would ALWAYS ask my opinion in terms of big purchases, cars, bills, house , retirement and others except from those few dollars others spending because he doesn't really have to explain every single penny he spent. What he shared to me is that, if he knows we're going to get more extra money from his paycheck (meaning salary-monthly bills/expenses) he would put more money in his retirement to kind of make it up. He does calculate and figure OUR COMFORTABLE RETIMENT lifestyle so I know we'll be ok when he retire. But what I am trying to insist to him is, he does not fully understand my concern of "tomorrow or a month from now" and not the 20 years from now. How important to have couple of hundred dollars in a separate bank account that when something happen unexpected (he had an accident/I had an accident) we have the money. We pay a lot to our HOA because it covers a lot of our property. We both have life insurance and his disability. We have the highest healthcare benefits package. He was single until 46. Because he wanted to make sure he is stable in his life to build a family. He studies and become successful in his career before we found each other. I am younger than him, that is true. And I am going back to work once our babies (we want 2) are in big school. We always talk about things like this. It's my convincing power that isn't effective.  
I told him the other day that I'd like to have an access to his bank account and at first he was telling me excuses that all of our bills are pretty much fixed and arranged/paid automatically. But he said he's going to open his statements and will show me everything but I insisted I want passwords.  he just laugh. He said I have controlling issue and I gave it back to him. He has controlling issue. Anyway, I guess he's also paranoid about his dads experience with his mom before (mom controls everything). He's cool about giving me access now. We said to open a bank account for baby shopping very soon and eventually will open college plan. We still needed to cut with our spending for unnecessary purchases but hopefully we will find the right balance to save and paid off cc's.
I will insist to stick in our listed budget also (that was never followed) this time and hopefully would work. 
Thank you for your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to tell him that you WILL have passwords to his bank accounts. No debating. Don't budge until he gives them to you. I trusted my husband and he racked up $100,000 in debt. 

If he's earning that much money, you should be putting at LEAST $50,000 a year in savings and retirement accounts.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> If he's earning that much money, you should be putting at LEAST $50,000 a year in savings and retirement accounts.


No offense, turnera. But I don't agree with the $50K number. My husband and I combined make almost twice as much as OP's husband's salary and we save aggressively. We only manage to put away $60K a year in 401Ks (maxed out), savings and college funds for the kids. After taxes (35% plus Alternative Minimum Tax), the take home income is a lot smaller than most people think. Not that I complain, mind you. We're grateful for what we have.

IMHO, there should not be credit card debts with the OP's husband's salary. I was taught that credit card debts are bad and should be paid off ASAP.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

death and taxes said:


> Do you have a budget? Do you know where all your money goes each month? Have you talked with him about making a household budget?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

How much is in the 401k? I don't have squat in savings a couple grand at all times a Platinum Amex for emergencies, but my wife and I both fully fund a 401k and a Roth.

I handle all the expenditures just like your husband does! As far as passwords, full disclosure blah blah blah, IDK if he makes it all and always has it would be hard for me to give up control I know that.

3000/mo mortgage is a ton!! I think you guys are living much closer paycheck to paycheck than you think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a good book that I think you both would benefit from reading...

"Smart Couples Finish Rich". 

Keep in mind that California is a community property state. If you two get divorced.. you are stuck with 50% of the debt. If he dies you are stuck with 100% of the debt. So, it's important that you become an equal partner to him in handling the finances.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like priority number 1 should be building up an immediately accessible, liquid emergency fund -- with at least 6 and preferably 9-12 months take-home pay in it. I would actually say suspend or reduce 401K contributions to make that happen, if necessary.

In the larger sense, yes it sounds like something is slightly off about your finances. It doesn't make sense to be carrying so much credit card debt -- the interest on that is killer. BTW I really hope that $1000 grocery expense was per month, not per week, and yes, I think that's a little high for two people, although maybe not ridiculous. My family of three spends about that much per month at Costco but that includes household items, occasional clothing items, etc. as well as all our groceries. Three bottles of wine per week also sounds like a lot -- I hope they're not lexpensive bottles.

If you think he's going to be sensitive to perceived "criticism" of his financial management, why not suggest the two of you read a personal finance book together. Smart Couples Finish Rich is ok. There's another one I like a little better, but I can't think of the name -- will post if it comes to me.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

I know a lot of high-income people, and many of them are sadly in your position. It's not as uncommon as you'd like to believe, and although $160k (+ comm) may seem like a lot of money to a lot of people, it can slip away pretty quickly.

In CA, your taxes are very, very high. With Fed and St taxes, you can pretty much take 30-40% of that income right off the top. That leaves you with < $110k.

A quick breakdown (and these numbers are generous to the low side)...

*Mortgage is $3000 (does that include taxes?)
*Any cars? If your husband is in the business world he probably thinks he needs to impress, so there's another $500+ (probably well over $1000 with gas, insurance, car payment)
*Utilities - $200+
*Cell phones - $100+
*Food - $600+
*Clothing - ??
*Medical care - ??
*Eating lunch out - ??, but if he eats out just 1-2 times a week at a $10, that's $40-80.
*Cable TV/internet - $150+
*Helping family - $200+
*And then there's kids' clothing, activities, entertainment, vacations, gym membership, golfing with the buddies on the weekend, new toys for the house, gifts, kids' activities, etc.

It doesn't take much to spend the money very quickly.

The fact that you have no savings at all and $25k in consumer debt is very disturbing, and taking out 401k loans is rarely a good idea at any age. Doing it at age 50 is financial suicide.

You need to sit down with him and figure out exactly what is going on. Find out how much consumer debt you really have. Look at all of your expenses. Every last one and find things that can be cut or trimmed. Figure out how much money you have in his 401k (my guess is that it is much lower than you think it is). Since he cannot manage his finances, and apparently doesn't care to do so, you'll need to manage the purse strings for a while. After you figure out where the funds are going today, start cutting and trimming expenses, pay off the CC debts, pay off the 401k loan, and finally start saving cash for an emergency fund.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Agree with the immediate above post. Should add that I think your priorities should be building the savings fund AND paying down credit card debt over the 401k. For one thing, the interest you're paying on the credit card debt is probably higher than any return you can earn on the 401k.


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