# Daughter/Promises



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The strongest hesitation I have at the moment that is really holding me back from giving up all of this mess with my wife -> is my daughter.

I've promised my daughter before and after she was born, that I'll never let her live through what I went through. I don't think I can live with myself if I break that promise. Right now she's hurting as well that mum and dad are in the sh-tter. Will she forgive me... maybe, will I forgive myself? I doubt it.

How does one deal with this?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You should not have made that promise. You should have promised to do your best and to make decisions which lead to the best outcome _given existing circumstances_.

This is a classic dilemma, should one stay for the kids? I chose to stay when our first was less than a year old. What a mistake for me and for the child. The biggest mistake was thinking divorce was never an acceptable option. This took away any leverage on my part to improve the marriage. The Prime Directive became keeping the family intact. So if there was a really big issue I always had to cave on it, so as to avoid violating the Prime Directive. Smaller things could become big things if I were to insist too strongly, and big things could cause the marriage to explode, thus even the little things have to be conceded to the wife.

Which means I ceded all power in the relationship. First off this is as we know a terrible loss of Sex Rank or Alpha in the relationship. And so she is likely to lose respect. Secondly it means I lost all ability to affect the direction of the family and marriage. So things really went in the wrong direction sometimes. Thirdly it led to me resenting always "losing".

Another factor is that when the teen years hit the girls fought with their mother about most everything. I believe my eldest daughter resents that I did not do more to protect her. Ironic isn't it, that my Prime Directive was intended to protect the children but instead may have exposed them to bad experiences.

Live in reality. The choice for your daughter is *not* perfect family vs horrible divorce. Reality is a dysfunctional family or healthier divorced parents. When divorced you can at least provide her with what you believe is the best situation when she is with you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... it's kinda too late now to take it back. What should I even say to her if I do go forward with the divorce? How do I explain it to a freakin 4 yr old?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just explain it in an age appropriate way. She doesn't need to know all the details, just that you two aren't going to be living together any more. Be sure she know you both love her and you both want her to have a good relationship with both parents. There are plenty of books and websites out there on how to tell children.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I grew up in a home where my parents fought constantly, they still do actually. I wished many times that they would just go their separate ways so that I could live in a more peaceful home.

Staying together in a dysfunctional relationship can be just as traumatic for kids as separation of family. It also depends on how the separation is handled.

A 4 yo would adapt faster than a 14 yo. There can be initial instances of acting out, return to babyish behaviour & other things, but as long as the parents think of the child before they carry on like pork chops, I think a child can recover.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like I've got some shopping and reading to do... oh well


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