# wife threatens silent treatment to my son



## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

my wife has given me the silent treatment throughout our marriage. she has been Passive Aggressive and started becoming verbally abusive and is now physically abusive to me.

but in the last few months she has been threatening the silent treatment to my son when he gets cranky. "I will not talk with you if you misbehave" to which my son cries even more.

My son witnessed her slapping me over something that I was insisting was the right thing to do (get him into a school in the area we moved in at the right time) any sane person would say that. 

After this slapping episode that he witnessed he has become very cranky and I feel that my wife's way to threaten silent treatment is not the right way. My son hates it and so do I.

Is the silent treatment to an 8 year old boy the right way to go about disciplining? I dont think so since the silent treatment to me was emotional abuse.

I am worried that my son will get affected negatively with these threats.

I need your opinion as I am really concerned about this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not big on sending mixed messages to kids, but I would think that for every minute your wife doesn't speak to him, you should. Hold conversations with him in front of her, but don't try to drag her into them. Hopefully she will realize that she is only hurting herself.

And next time she lays a hand on you call the police. Once is bad enough. Twice means business.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The silent treatment with a child is, IMO emotional abuse. She is sending the message that her love and affection is conditional. Good discipline involves consequences that are appropriate for the bad behavior of the child but should always be administered lovingly. Time outs used to not reward bad behavior with attention are important but there's a fine line between not rewarding with attention vs. punishing with lack of attention. Let's say he is whining for a snack and banging a plastic truck on the kitchen table.

In the first scenario, the child has to sit in the corner for 10 minutes while mom goes about her business un-phased (but not unpleasant or mean). When 10 minutes is up she should emphasize again why the timeout was administered, ask the child to reiterate what they learned/why and then be dismissed from time-out and life resumes as normal without holding the bad behavior against the child because he is, after all, a child.

If the parent instead gets angry and tells the child they won't even deal with the child until they stop that behavior the child hasn't learned anything. They have only learned that the parent didn't like that (not why) and that they are not worthy of being loved and again, aren't sure why. That is distressing to a child.

You two should agree on how behavior should be addressed because her ignoring then you trying to compensate teaches the child he can manipulate you. However, more worrisome is the fact she hit you and in my world it is NEVER OK for people to hit each other. As adults we have the ability to control our behavior. I worry that she may be physically rough with your child as well.

I agree that you need to call the police. I suggest you tell her when she is calm that the next time she lays a hand on you that you will call the police; that if she feels the needs to strike something, she needs to go somewhere to cool down before resuming the conversation and that her behavior will no longer be acceptable to you.

BTW - this sounds a LOT like my ex. My daughter curries favor to him and never steps on his toes. She does not feel free to ever disagree with him. He was finally diagnosed with severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He went from screaming to shoving to hitting. I fear her behavior may prove to be progressive.

Good Luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

time to move along and get out of this abusive relationship(emotional&physical abusive).


JMHO.....start your exit plan document everything, save some money and get out!!!!!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Is your son...HER son. It doesn't make a difference about her being wrong, just curious if she's doing this to her flesh and blood.

Your wife has issues. Next time she slaps you, call the police. Sorry but you need this on record and she needs MAJOR help


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I agree with what the other posters have said above about letting her know you WILL call the police if she hits you again. 

The silent treatment directed at another adult who at least has the potential to stand up for themselves is bad enough. Used against a child it is inexcusable. EnjoliWoman's 10 minute time suggestions are what's needed.

Seeing you being physically and emotionally abused will not do the child any good in the short or the long term. It could influence him to dole out similar treatment himself as an adult, or to put up with such treatment. Either way, it's not right. 

Not sure how you usually handle her silent treatment but looks like it's time to react differently if what you are doing at the moment keeps you unhappy and her fortified to keep on giving you silent treatment. The link below may help. 

Just a thought - would she be embarrassed/ashamed if others knew that she was giving a small child the silent treatment? If you have kept this from family and friends you might want to consider outing her and see if that pulls her to her senses.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How does she explain "the silent treatment" to your son? While it's abusive behavior, it's not illegal since it's difficult to identify.

Regarding yourself OP, physical abuse should never be tolerated. I would clear that issue up first before moving on to the mind games that you wife is playing. Otherwise, start planning your exit strategy.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know if giving a child the silent treatment as punishment is abuse, but it is retarded. Just curious, did you marry a 14 year-old girl?

You need to give your son a stable environment. Stop letting your wife hit you. Either hit her back, harder than she hit you, or call the police. FYI, the police will usually respond to any physical fight between spouses by taking the husband to jail without asking many questions. So hitting your wife carries that risk. If you plan to hit her, put video cameras up to document her aggression.

For your son's sake, man up.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Tell her you'll call the police next time she tries anything. Her abusive behaviour is 100% affecting your sons behaviour. NO parent should think ignoring their child is a form of discipline wtf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Is your son...HER son. It doesn't make a difference about her being wrong, just curious if she's doing this to her flesh and blood.
> 
> Your wife has issues. Next time she slaps you, call the police. Sorry but you need this on record and she needs MAJOR help


yes, he is our son.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I don't know if giving a child the silent treatment as punishment is abuse, but it is retarded. Just curious, did you marry a 14 year-old girl?
> 
> You need to give your son a stable environment. Stop letting your wife hit you. Either hit her back, harder than she hit you, or call the police. FYI, the police will usually respond to any physical fight between spouses by taking the husband to jail without asking many questions. So hitting your wife carries that risk. If you plan to hit her, put video cameras up to document her aggression.
> 
> For your son's sake, man up.


Not at all. she was a qualified comp sc engineer teaching in a college when I married her and wanted to be a SAHM. She is not at all career oriented.

I keep reminding my son about that incident so that he does not forget in case I need it later.
Since I am a 6 ft guy in comparison to her petite build I dont think people will believe what I say about the physical abuse.

I explained to my son that men never hit women unless they are seriously getting hurt cause if we do then they will die as we are stronger than them physically. While there are very strong DV laws in favour of women but none in favour of men. Its a very unequal pitch. But I did tell her later (after her third episode of hitting me in the face this time 4 times and this time in front of my younger son) that if she continued to do this the next time I would go and hit her parents. Her parents are the real culprit here as they support her blindly and in fact instigate her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's not even about whether she does physical injury to you. People just should not be hitting one another. And you certainly don't want your son to think that's the way to win an argument. Are you in the UK btw?


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Advocado said:


> Not sure how you usually handle her silent treatment but looks like it's time to react differently if what you are doing at the moment keeps you unhappy and her fortified to keep on giving you silent treatment. The link below may help.
> 
> Just a thought - would she be embarrassed/ashamed if others knew that she was giving a small child the silent treatment? If you have kept this from family and friends you might want to consider outing her and see if that pulls her to her senses.


Thanks Advocado, I went through the link and other 5 pages of it you have in your signature. It does provide a good strategy.

I guess people around her who influence her are quite mentally stunted to note it.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

ukv said:


> my wife has given me the silent treatment throughout our marriage. she has been PA and started becoming verbally abusive and is now physically abusive to me.
> 
> but in the last few months she has been threatening the silent treatment to my son when he gets cranky. "I will not talk with you if you misbehave" to which my son cries even more.
> 
> ...


No. The Silent Treatment is absolutely childish and no adults should engage in it with anyone...least of all their child.

She can be 'cooler' and matter-of-fact with her son when his behavior has made her unhappy...and for child (and most people)...that's painful enough.

Bigger Question:

Why are you staying in this marriage? I think I'd get evidence of the PA and then file.

This is not a good environment for your child...and your first obligation is to him.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> The silent treatment with a child is, IMO emotional abuse. She is sending the message that her love and affection is conditional. Good discipline involves consequences that are appropriate for the bad behavior of the child but should always be administered lovingly. Time outs used to not reward bad behavior with attention are important but there's a fine line between not rewarding with attention vs. punishing with lack of attention. Let's say he is whining for a snack and banging a plastic truck on the kitchen table.
> 
> In the first scenario, the child has to sit in the corner for 10 minutes while mom goes about her business un-phased (but not unpleasant or mean). When 10 minutes is up she should emphasize again why the timeout was administered, ask the child to reiterate what they learned/why and then be dismissed from time-out and life resumes as normal without holding the bad behavior against the child because he is, after all, a child.
> 
> ...



thanks EW for giving so much time for the response and the good suggestions. Thanks everyone for your responses.

We have gone through Bill harleys - His needs her needs for parents and that we should jointly agree to do the same thing in front of our children. However she continues to do the opposite of what we learnt or came to know from the really wonderful book.

She wants to keep our both kids close to her and does not let them stay alone with me unless we are going to play in the park together or something. because I think she is afraid that the kids will draw closer to me.

she does seem to have NPD traits. Does not have empathy for me but is sweet as sugar to other friends and acquantances. Her mother is the codependent. She becomes the typical sweet talking and seemingly naive and wonderful person, but in my company is the hissing serpant.

She seems to be constantly emotionally abusing me all the time. I spent 6 months invoking His neds her needs principles, communication principles whenever she started her abuse and now I am exhausted and just refer to the principles as "what we learnt". It would taken me 3 days to get through 30 minutes of video with her. SHe tried every way possible to avoid watching those marriage improvement videos. She never reads any books or any small improvement articles. As such her personal growth is limited to whatever instigation her parents give her as anything else goes aginst her grain of existence and makes her feel the bad one. At least thats what I have come to understand due to her stubborn resistance against any kind of improvement.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Silent treatment to an 8 year old is emotional abuse.

Your wife needs help. If she won't seek therapy on her own, you and your son pack up and leave. She needs to understand both appropriate child developmental stages and appropriate boundary setting geared toward that developmental stage.

You wife is as wrong and it gets. Force the issue and save your son.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> It's not even about whether she does physical injury to you. People just should not be hitting one another. And you certainly don't want your son to think that's the way to win an argument. Are you in the UK btw?


not in uk.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Reading all of your responses ukv, I would suggest you record some of these interactions with the child. You may or may not be able to use them later; I found out that as a parent I can give my consent on the behalf of the minor child to have their conversations recorded and therefore in my state in the US, I was able to legally record phone conversations between my ex and my daughter. 

I suggest this because perhaps you can play some of her disturbing exchanges back to her, to a therapist or to a family member to invoke change/realization. If it doesn't show her that a change needs to take place, perhaps it will ensure a more favorable custody outcome should that eventually be necessary. 

I'm sorry to even have to recommend such a step but the child SHOULD be bonding with his most loving and capable parent and her avoiding letting you be alone with the child has me concerned that she would try to limit your time with him or alienate him from you altogether. I really hope it doesn't come to this. Perhaps seeking counseling yourself to learn how to cope with her and later to help your son cope, might be a good idea.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Stop working on things like His Needs, Her Needs. Those require cooperation. You're not getting that. You need to work on things that you can do, alone.

I recommend reading No More Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. The Primer isn't really about sex, it's about being a leader in your own house.

That's what you need. You need to take charge. You need to man up. You need to be the captain in your own house. Your wife won't let you be alone with your own children? That wouldn't fly around my house. I will take my kids out by myself any time I feel like it. Because I am their father. 'Nuff said.

Seriously. Stop tolerating her behavior. Change your own behavior and inform her that this is the new you. And the new you doesn't take any crap from the old her.

Good luck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Stop working on things like His Needs, Her Needs. Those require cooperation. You're not getting that. You need to work on things that you can do, alone.
> 
> I recommend reading No More Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. The Primer isn't really about sex, it's about being a leader in your own house.
> 
> ...


This bothers me. She may start accusing you of abusing your children. Seek professional help, like a lawyer.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The silent treatment with a partner is emotional abuse. With a child it is child abuse which is potentially very damaging to your son. It is also very damaging for your son to see your wife assaulting you.

It sounds to me like your W needs therapy to deal with her anger / passive aggressive behaviour.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Stop working on things like His Needs, Her Needs. Those require cooperation. You're not getting that. You need to work on things that you can do, alone.
> 
> I recommend reading No More Mister Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. The Primer isn't really about sex, it's about being a leader in your own house.
> 
> ...


She lets me be with the children in the home or if I take them to a nearby park. Usually she goes to her parents place every weekend and takes the children along. Her parents bought an apartment about 7 miles from our home one year after we married. Even if I ask her to leave the older son who is 8 to be with me she will not listen. So the children spend most of their free time with their mother and her parents. When she is back I have to do the running around for getting the children's haircuts, clothes, books, schools.... and I am nowadays taking care of my mother who is in the terminal stages of cancer. 

This has really upset my children's habits and schedule as it is very unsettling to be always moving. They are starting to dislike my home because we have a sick person who needs 24 hours support (2 persons need to be present) one for outside work and one for mom's support. We cant trust my wife to take care of my mom. She hardly speaks to my mom who is in constant pain. 

I have gone through the MMSL and understand and putting those principles into action. Its tough to take care of mom and marriage and kids at the same time.

I stopped expecting her to initiate even a wee bit (I wanted her to initiate lets say 1 out of 5 times).

She says she got physical with me 4 times in the past one month because of the frustration of moving between countries ( for taking care of my old parents ). I have been the breadwinner for all the time and she worked with small salaries for 1 year of the 11 years of our marriage.

Anyways.... I get your point PHT.... I wont divorce her now... I know she abuses me in every way. More or less I am getting the sex still (as Athol Kay says I get it more than I would if I stayed without her) although it is not satifactory.

I dont want to lose the children at least not now. I have deep resentment against her parents for they instigated all this.

There is a risk it might escalate cause she has narcisstic tendencies. She has also issued me a threat (thinly veiled death threat) but I will stick it out and do the wait and watch until it starts becoming more than I can handle. I already told her that next time she hits me I will pass it on to her parents. Obviously I cant hit her back.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ukv said:


> She lets me be with the children in the home or if I take them to a nearby park.


Well, you can choose what to accept and what not to accept. But I can tell you that NOBODY tells me what I can and can't do with my own kids. Not even their mother.



> Usually she goes to her parents place every weekend and takes the children along. Her parents bought an apartment about 7 miles from our home one year after we married.


It's great to have support nearby for babysitting and whatever. My parents live nearby and take care of my kids frequently. And sometimes we (the entire family) end up over there for most of a weekend. But we also make sure to have some weekends where we stay on our own side of town and get a break from everybody.



> Even if I ask her to leave the older son who is 8 to be with me she will not listen.


Asking permission to see your own son? Not very alpha.



> ... and I am nowadays taking care of my mother who is in the terminal stages of cancer.


Well, that's a big monkey wrench in the works. You can't very well just ignore your dying mother. But, you can't just allow your life to go to hell while you tend to her. She wouldn't want that.



> I stopped expecting her to initiate even a wee bit (I wanted her to initiate lets say 1 out of 5 times).


Don't get ahead of yourself. Your wife isn't going to initiate sex until she respects you. You're a long way from being respected. She doesn't even trust you with your own children.



> There is a risk it might escalate cause she has narcisstic tendencies. She has also issued me a threat (thinly veiled death threat) but I will stick it out and do the wait and watch until it starts becoming more than I can handle. I already told her that next time she hits me I will pass it on to her parents. Obviously I cant hit her back.


I don't recommend punishing her parents for her behavior. Punish her. You don't need to hit her. But you need to stop her behavior. Call the cops on her. Take away her car. Take away her phone. Take away her clothes. Take away her money. Hell, you've said you make the money and she doesn't work. Tell her that the next time she gets physical with you, you're going to fine her.

If she's going to act like a spoiled teenager, then treat her like a spoiled teenager. Ground her and take your kids out for some ice cream.

Good luck.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I agree with the other poster who said giving your children the silent treatment is child abuse. IMHO it is the worst form of abuse - like you are invisible. It is not an illegal form of child abuse although a case could possibly be made of neglect.

A warning to you:

My exHusband was raised by a Mother who did this frequently. It created such an inner rage inside of him that even as an adult he can't control his anger & temper.

I do hope that in time you find the courage to leave this woman & get your children out of this hostile environment.


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

ukv said:


> My son witnessed her slapping me over something that I was insisting was the right thing to do (get him into a school in the area we moved in at the right time) any sane person would say that.
> 
> After this slapping episode that he witnessed he has become very cranky and I feel that my wife's way to threaten silent treatment is not the right way. My son hates it and so do I.


I'm sorry for the troubles you are experiencing. But the above has me very worried for your son's emotional well-being. It is *not okay* for your wife to physically assault you. Especially in front of your son. The fact that your son saw your wife physically assault you, and that you were okay with it is not good for his social/emotional development. The message you are sending him is that it is okay for women to hit men when they are upset. You cannot allow your wife to slap you. Block her slaps, get out of the house, call the police, do something to show it is not okay. Tell your son, it is not normal nor is it okay for people to hit each other when they are angry.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This sort of stuff makes me so angry...

OP, you really need to start documenting every single incident with your wife, and keep the log well hidden. I would also save any incriminating texts or emails from her, too. All this would be useful to you should you decide to leave her (which I hope one day you will), because it would strengthen your case for custody of your children.

Man or woman, once caught up in the cycle of abuse it becomes increasingly difficult to make decisions due to the impact on our confidence and self-esteem. You might want to consider counseling, OP, because IMO you need some professional support.

There are some who can and do change, but more often than not the only thing that changes with an abuser is that they get worse.

Some tips for dealing with an abusive spouse are:-

*Leave if possible. Be aware of any signs that may trigger a violent response from your spouse or partner and be ready to leave quickly. If you need to stay to protect your children, call the emergency services. The police have an obligation to protect you and your children, just as they do a female victim.

*Never retaliate. An abusive woman or partner will often try to provoke you into retaliating or using force to escape the situation. If you do retaliate, you'll almost certainly be the one who is arrested and/or removed from your home.

*Get evidence of the abuse. Report all incidents to the police and get a copy of each police report. Keep a journal of all abuse with a clear record of dates, times, and any witnesses. Include a photographic record of your injuries and make sure your doctor or hospital also documents your injuries. Remember, medical personnel are unlikely to ask if a man has been a victim of domestic violence, so it's up to you to ensure the cause of your injuries are documented.

*Keep a mobile phone, evidence of the abuse, and other important documents close at hand. If you and your children have to leave instantly in order to escape the abuse, you'll need to take with you evidence of the abuse and important documents, such as passport and driver's license. It may be safer to keep these items outside of the home.

*Obtain advice from a domestic violence program or legal aid resource about getting a restraining order or order of protection against your spouse and, if necessary, seeking temporary custody of your children.

There's a lot more info here:- http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

> *Never retaliate. An abusive woman or partner will often try to provoke you into retaliating or using force to escape the situation. If you do retaliate, you'll almost certainly be the one who is arrested and/or removed from your home.


Spot on! Do not retaliate physically. If it boils down to her word vs your word, I guarantee that you as a man will *always lose* and most women know this. You may need to always have a witness present or even consider recording all encounters between you and her for your protection. She could easily send you to jail right now with a single phone call and a few white lies.


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## QuestioningMyMarriage (Apr 3, 2013)

We have just started marriage counselling and the MC figures that my H is passive aggressive. H told me that when he was younger his mother would go for days not talking to him and it was torture for him. She is horrible and PA to me and I've told the counsellor a few things and the counsellor is shocked. It sounds like my H learned how to act from his mother. Do you want your son (or your other child) to grow up in this type of environment? She is emotionally abusing your son, and she is abusing you.

I just ordered a book called "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. Maybe that will help you, but just sub the world "wife" everytime you read "husband."

If she's not willing to look at marriage videos with you, would she be willing to go to counselling with you? If not, I would leave and take the kids. Even if you don't leave, start documenting stuff now so that she can't call the police and lie and say it was you that are hitting her. Everything I've been reading about PA people is not very positive; if they change at all, it is only for a short time before they revert back to their pA ways.


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Well, you can choose what to accept and what not to accept. But I can tell you that NOBODY tells me what I can and can't do with my own kids. Not even their mother.
> 
> 
> It's great to have support nearby for babysitting and whatever. My parents live nearby and take care of my kids frequently. And sometimes we (the entire family) end up over there for most of a weekend. But we also make sure to have some weekends where we stay on our own side of town and get a break from everybody.
> ...


Excellent advice, though sadly, I believe its too late for the OP to be 'alpha'. Might not be too late for his son not to pick up the bad habits from the father though.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

domah said:


> Excellent advice, though sadly, I believe its too late for the OP to be 'alpha'. Might not be too late for his son not to pick up the bad habits from the father though.


It's never too late. It's true that his marriage may be too far gone. But it's never too late to gain some self respect and stop acting like a doormat. And you're right about his son. Even if a man doesn't care about himself, he ought to care about his son and trying to ensure that his son doesn't follow in his footsteps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She needs mental help and no HNHN book is going to change that. I don't recommend divorcing just yet, as that would leave your son alone with her. 

I would get a spiral binder and every single time she hits, gives silent treatment, or otherwise harms either one of you, write it down. Keep it where she can't get to it. Start a record. If the abuse escalates, it will help you with a judge to get her removed or at least get help.

And I agree, be smarter. If she gives your son the silent treatment, go play a game with him and have a blast. She does it to get a reaction, just like any bully. How do you stop a bully? By not letting what they do bother you.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> This sort of stuff makes me so angry...
> 
> OP, you really need to start documenting every single incident with your wife, and keep the log well hidden. I would also save any incriminating texts or emails from her, too. All this would be useful to you should you decide to leave her (which I hope one day you will), because it would strengthen your case for custody of your children.
> 
> ...


Thanks everyone for your suggestions. It helps me clear my mind. I am in this situation for trusting her despite the emotional abuse - I had been bogged down with many crisises and did not really pay attention to this. But now I am off work and have tried out improvement suggestions by experts (who assume that there are 2 reasonable persons in a marriage).
I understand she may also have some resentments but things have been very extreme for the last 8 months.

I have started pushing my foot down. Because I was worried she may find out my uid in this forum (she knows I have been frequenting this site for last 8 months) I have not posted my defensive strategies regarding evidence collection here. I really gained an insight into her mind and personality after I did so - how her parents and one friend in particular interact with her and enable her personality disorder.

She puts the blame on me for changing her personality to an abusive one (so do her parents).

As a normal person I have responded in harsh tones earlier to her passive aggressive behaviour when I couldnt understand why the hell she was giving me her PA behaviour. Since the last 8 months, I have removed anger in my interactions with her totally. She seems to think I have capitulated or something at least that is what she projects to her parents.

I have been however adamant at not being taken advantage of anymore. Eventually she is forced to listen to reason but not before she has verbally and physically abused me. Since her abuse is no longer passive nowadays she herself realises it and then in a form of apology/backing down listens to reason.

I am worried however that she has the temerity to become overtly abusive on the most reasonable matters. She blurts an unfelt apology after such outbursts. I therefore think that this may be the peak of her abuse and things will start becoming better. Perhaps I am fooling myself. The quality of all decisions has drastically fallen in our lives as now both of us seem to have secret agendas (now I have a secret agenda of my own). But I cant help to close myself now since my openness and honesty earlier had cost me dearly.

So it is a very strange situation in my life now.

My elder son having witnessed the abuse has become extremely irritable.

But I seem to be becoming more fearless about doing stuff despite her resistance. Had a face to face discussion with her parents but I know that it had the opposite effect.

The positive side is that she now bends before my solid stance eventually. The negative side is that until she bends she gives me a full blast of her abuse.

I am worried about her secret agenda now - hope it is not as sinister as was the obvious message from her thinly veiled threat.

I have started a carrot and stick strategy now.

She threatens withdrawing sex sometimes. Since no longer I expect her initiation at all I tend to hurt less at her showing off about her lack of interest in sex. It is now becoming obvious slowly to both of us that she loves her Os from me nonetheless and folds to my persistence in this area. I do my persuasion of sex without showing hurt but just showing raw lust, no longer show hurt on getting refused a blowjob (which was unsatisfactory anyways). I ensure I get my O and if she asks for her completion I do it to her after a short gap or use my hand which she loves.

In short I want to be able to belive that now I am gaming her as well. However the unpleasant side of getting abused is worrisome.

I have been working on my upper body and that may be having an effect as well.

It has become very clear however that what she says and what she means are 2 different things. I would earlier assume what she said would be true but now I know she lies and deceives every chance she gets. I try to be unaffected by her meanness and abuse.

I have to understand her secret agenda now however.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Have gone thru the following till now:

- MMSL
- HIs needs her needs (to prevent infedility)
- His needs her needs (for parents)
- Way of the superior man
- 5 love languages
- Lots of communication related articles and other kind of stuff on the internet
- Read a lot of articles about BPD and NPD.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Its been quite a journey after I dived into my marriage improvement aspect. I seem to be becoming more confident that if we were to separate I would have a very easy time with women. I had very different assumptions about women earlier but now I am in reality.

I dont know whether it makes any sense. At least my fears are diminishing and that was one of her ways of abusing me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.S, to get a better view of what a man's life should look like, so you'll have more to compare your life against.

Also, I don't know where you are, but there are specific tactics you can use when a male is being physically abused by a female (so you don't get in trouble). I urge you to find one such place and go there for education on how to diffuse the situations. I don't want your kids growing up watching you being abused - they will seek out women to do it to them when they grow up. Stop it now.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

ukv said:


> Have gone thru the following till now:
> 
> - MMSL
> - HIs needs her needs (to prevent infedility)
> ...


The above is quite a list but it occurs to me you might want to read up and practice being more assertive so that you can both cope with your current situation better and avoid such situations in the future. 

Maybe there are books on assertiveness for children too which might help your son. 

Meanwhile, how are things?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I read things like she slaps you, she LETS you spend time with your child. I don't care if your 6ft and she is a tiny frail woman....stand up to her. Next time she lays a hand on you have her locked up and don't bail her out. She will first emotionally abuse your children then physically abuse them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

richie33 said:


> ...Next time she lays a hand on you have her locked up and don't bail her out. ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## LaurenNabi (May 31, 2013)

I hate to be mean but I think the problem here is that your wife is lazy and doesn't want to be responsible for anything. When a woman says I want to be a stay at home Mom what she probably means is she wants an excuse not to work. Women equate "stay at home Mom" with getting to stay home and not have to do anything but once they have the kids the reality sets in that they are not getting a life of leisure and having someone just support them. I've seen a lot of women snap after they have kids and its because they married with the dream of having a husband who buys them everything they want, pays their bills and they don't have to work. Shortly after having kids they realize that they have locked themselves into a lifetime of 24/7 work and they get resentful and go bat**** crazy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LaurenNabi said:


> When a woman says I want to be a stay at home Mom what she probably means is she wants an excuse not to work. Women equate "stay at home Mom" with getting to stay home and not have to do anything but once they have the kids the reality sets in that they are not getting a life of leisure and having someone just support them. I've seen a lot of women snap after they have kids and its because they married with the dream of having a husband who buys them everything they want, pays their bills and they don't have to work. Shortly after having kids they realize that they have locked themselves into a lifetime of 24/7 work and they get resentful and go bat**** crazy.


WTH????

Sweetheart, you are as wrong as wrong gets, from beginning to end, from top to bottom, from side to side.

Having been a SAHM for MANY years, a working Mom for many years and now a retired mom and caregiver of terminally I'll relatives, I can unequivocally state, your comment is full of horse sh!t!


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## LaurenNabi (May 31, 2013)

Sorry, that probably did come off as harsh. I didn't mean all women. Sorry if I offended you. I meant that some do... I know because I have relatives that did this and they were open about what they were after even tried to coach me into growing up to marry for the same thing and then they were abusive and resentful to their kids. Sorry it sounds harsh... but it is the attitude for some women I have met and then when the reality sets in that raising children is work they freak. What I am saying is that some women marry because they think it will be a free ride and that there husband is a sugar daddy and once they realize that having kids really is hard work they become resentful and abusive.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, it is not the attitude for some women. It is the attitude for lousy, lazy, selfish people who are bad parents. You see, what they had in common was their selfishness, their laziness and their tendency to abuse others. Those traits will be found among men as well as women.

You have generalized your small minute experience to all women, and now to some women. The generalization should be based not on them being women, but on being lousy people.


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## LaurenNabi (May 31, 2013)

True but this thread is not discussing men... it is discussing an abusive stay at home Mom who dropped her job at the first sign of marriage and then physically abuses her husband and emotionally abuses her kid. I was just stating that she sounds like some women I have met and what observations I have made about their attitudes that made them act that way. Sorry for "generalizing" and sorry for offending you.


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