# cheating personalities?



## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

I was reading a book about a certain personality type that said that extraverts are more likely to commit adultery than introverts. 

Does that actually have any truth to it? Are the majority of BSs introverts while the cheaters are extraverts? I can see where that logic comes from, in a way, but don't really believe it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think that there are other ways of looking at this.

Let's try circumstance:

1. Couples who experience long and or frequent periods of separations. 

2. People who generally have loose boundaries in relationships with others. People who have trouble saying "no". Who insist on OSFs and yet treat them as if they were the same sex.

That's for starters.

Do you really have time to diagnose someone's personality. Not everyone walks around with their Myers-Briggs rating on their back/


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening kokonatsu
It wouldn't surprise me - extroverts are more likely to have lots of opposite-sex friends so there is more opportunity.

That doesn't mean all extroverts cheat, just that they have more chances to do so if the want.






kokonatsu said:


> I was reading a book about a certain personality type that said that extraverts are more likely to commit adultery than introverts.
> 
> Does that actually have any truth to it? Are the majority of BSs introverts while the cheaters are extraverts? I can see where that logic comes from, in a way, but don't really believe it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Does the book (which book, BTW?) provide references pointing to supporting research? Or is it just the author's supposition?


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Personally don't think you can say extroverts are more likely. Introverts can be good at hidding affairs due to their "lonley" appearance.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

knightRider said:


> Personally don't think you can say extroverts are more likely. Introverts can be good at hidding affairs due to their "lonley" appearance.


This was my one and only experience with this. My x is definetly an introvert and cheated. 

I'm somewhere in the middle and never have


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I don't think this has any relevance to cheating. Being introverted doesn't make you automatically a better person, just less opened to those you are not interested in.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

They say *Extroverted Sanguines* are *the pleasure seekers*.. more apt to be social partiers.. if these types do not have a strong moral framework.. I do feel they have "the personality" to get bored easily and move on impulsively in the heat of the moment.....just add some lack of boundaries, some booze...the lust for excitement... 

Sanguine Personality Traits - the Boredom Busters










But of course every temperament has their woes..our strengths and weaknesses... a lonely melancholy, drowning in sorrows - lacking sex, affection at home.., it would make sense how they could fall into an affair also.....if another is giving them attention, listening, fulfilling what is sourly lacking at home... just shows HOW IMPORTANT it is to keep the harmony flowing in a marriage.. resolve our conflicts, do the little things to show love.. keeping the spark LIT...cause really.. it can happen to those we'd least expect....

I post this thread many times.. I found it very insightful ...







...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kokonatsu said:


> I was reading a book about a certain personality type that said that *extroverts are more likely to commit adultery than introverts.*
> 
> Does that actually have any truth to it? Are the majority of BSs introverts while the cheaters are extraverts? I can see where that logic comes from, in a way, but don't really believe it.


*I firmly believe that extroverts preeminently initiate more affairs ~ while introverts are far more prone to be talked into them!

And as my first witness to that fact, I'd like to call my rich, skanky XW, as she's quite the talker!*


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

I was surprised to read this statement, and didn't think it was true, but i have no personal experience with infidelity, so had to ask. 

the book in question is Quiet, by Susan Cain, and she's stating how our introversion or extroversion influences our choices, and that it's extroverts who are the ones that are more likely to commit adultery.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kokonatsu said:


> I was surprised to read this statement, and didn't think it was true, but i have no personal experience with infidelity, so had to ask.
> 
> *the book in question is Quiet, by Susan Cain, *and she's stating how our introversion or extroversion influences our choices, and that it's extroverts who are the ones that are more likely to commit adultery.


I just looked that book up.. WOW.. over 3500 (5) star reviews!! 

 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking 

This title makes me think of this you tube video.. take a moment...







..Introvert vs. Extrovert Conversation 

I much enjoy reading about the temperaments, have a # of books.. also I did this thread here..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html....

Besides the 4 I mentioned above.... there are also these 16 ... broken down to even more insight to what makes us TICK.. how we may respond .. if we are more *THINKING* over *FEELING* for instance, just as some are more Extroverted vs Introverted.....


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I post this thread many times.. I found it very insightful ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There was a television program a few years back that discussed the bio-chemistry of cheating. I found the information......helpful. It gave me some additional perspective. Not forgiveness...but perspective lol. In my case, the combined addictive bio/chemical elements of cheating with the addictive elements of the internet were (apparently) too much for the ex to resist.


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

I believe it really depends on the person's values vs. their personality type.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Everyone is susceptible to cheating. If you don't think you are susceptible, than that makes you even more susceptible.

Being sexually attracted to the opposite sex is completely normal. As humans we are hard wired to sexual attraction. Monogamy is something invented by society and it is a choice.

I think some people may be more susceptible. For example people who get a thrill out of forbidden sex or being sneaky. Even if that's something you used to do but have matured, it may creep back into your life if you do not have awareness.

People with no self-awareness are susceptible. People with awareness and still cheat are pretty much sociopaths, at least temporarily.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think there are two types of cheaters. 

1. People inclined to cheating. This group may think cheating is all right and gravitate to it with small problems, no problems, or when the opportunity arises. The extrovert theory may have a small amount of validity but ultimately a wife or prospective wife needs to get a sense of her husband's moral values. 

2. Unhappy marriage or deprivation. Here, a husband may face repeated criticism, inlaw problems, and then see a seeming burst of light, a pretty or adoring woman in a work or social context. Instead of criticism there are compliments, instead of stress, fun and enjoyment. A dysfunctional sexual relationship can obviously contribute. If she turns him down repeatedly suggesting sex is neither important nor essential to a relationship, she has a hard time taking the opposition position later, opining that his acts are not a critical betrayal that cannot never be forgiven for sex is the sine quo non of a relationship.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> *Everyone is susceptible to cheating. If you don't think you are susceptible, than that makes you even more susceptible.
> *
> Being sexually attracted to the opposite sex is completely normal. As humans we are hard wired to sexual attraction. Monogamy is something invented by society and it is a choice.
> 
> ...


sweet. So tell me then why haven't I ever cheated even though I've had the opportunites ?


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> sweet. So tell me then why haven't I ever cheated even though I've had the opportunites ?


I don't think it's so black and white like that though. 

For example, if the husband says, "I'm never going to cheat!" and doesn't value his marriage enough to protect it -- eg, going out with his buddies to bars and keeping up OSF relationships, things that detriment his marriage, he doesn't recognize the dangers of such actions, and when he thinks that he could never possibly cheat, it blinds him further to the dangers of his actions. 

But if another husband says, "anyone can cheat, but I'm going to build up my marriage and protect it so that no one can get inbetween my wife and I," then he knows the dangers of certain actions, and takes precautions against them. 

and like I said, there's no black and white in situations like these, there are exceptions to rules and people that defy odds. 

maybe another analogy would be going on a trip to africa and saying, "i could never get malaria" so you don't take medicine to protect yourself from getting it, it'll make it easier for you to get malaria than others who take the medicine, regardless of your beliefs. 

it's likely a combination of personality type and values and circumstances that give greater odds to a person cheating or not.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just looked that book up.. WOW.. over 3500 (5) star reviews!!
> 
> Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
> 
> ...


SA, I find personality types to be very fascinating, and definitely notice when something goes amiss in my marriage due to personality types. For example, my husband sometimes complains that I don't have as many friends as he does, and why don't I spend more time with them, but i'm much more introverted than he is, so it's in my nature to need more down time than he does. It definitely creates tension sometimes, but I can see it, so I try to explain why to him, and tell him to not think i'm wrong, just that i'm different!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> sweet. So tell me then why haven't I ever cheated even though I've had the opportunites ?


Because you are aware  you know your triggers and you can control them. Kudos!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am not sure I agree with the statement on the original post. I have been with 3 cheaters and I can say that non of them would have been considered extroverts. My first husband was good with people he knew but did not associate well with newbies yet he was a big player of women. I was then engaged to a man that was no overly social. He actually did fine in new situations but being among people really was not something he enjoyed so much. I liked him initially because he seemed quiet and sincere. He seemed over possessive of me and my time but then I found out that he was continuing to see other women so he basically was trying to keep me from doing what he was doing. husband #2 a rather nerdy type and the military was the only thing really, I feel, that helped him to become social and yet can be by himself very easily. Did not stop him from his love for the ladies and trying to get them to laugh at his jokes so he could have an ïn"with them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

kokonatsu said:


> I don't think it's so black and white like that though.
> 
> For example, if the husband says, "I'm never going to cheat!" and doesn't value his marriage enough to protect it -- eg, going out with his buddies to bars and keeping up OSF relationships, things that detriment his marriage, he doesn't recognize the dangers of such actions, and when he thinks that he could never possibly cheat, it blinds him further to the dangers of his actions.
> 
> ...


No I disagree and here is why. I don't base my not cheating on anyone else or anyone else's behavoir. So for example in a very early realtionship in life I was in a sexless relationship. I never cheated. The reason was not because of her it was because that was a value I held true and didn't believe in it

Fast forward 20 some odd years later and I'm getting divorced from a woman who cheated on me and left me and our two children for this other guy. All through our separation until the ink was dry on the divorce papers I never had sex with anyone else . Now some will say hey if she is leaving then you're free to do what you want....I disagree i made a promise and a vow, no one can give me permission to set it aside. Holding true to it means holidng myself accountable. I took no vow to enforce her to never stray from marriage. I did take one for me to never stray and I never did.

So I hold myself to a standard and I'm not going to compromise on it. And catching an illness is again this same line of thinking that it can just happen. Cheating can't just happen. At the core of cheating is a choice to do so. I make the choice not to do so and have resisted temptation several times.

What can happen is people make mistakes and can be tempted. So building your marriage to protect from that can make sense as you indicate. However no matter how bad a marriage is or how great the temptation if you agree to cheat you make a choice to do it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> Because you are aware  you know your triggers and you can control them. Kudos!


Ok you call them triggers I call them choices. But the fact remains I didn't cheat and very comfortable in saying I never will. Some people just aren't going to while others will fail at even the slightest hint of temptation. Most people probably fall all over between those two extremes. 

My argument is just that you say everyone is susceptible to cheat but I don't agree. For all my values on it after going through what my x put me through I would never do that to another person. I would never wany to hear, feel or think to myself well in the end you are just like her.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I can't imagine that personality type has much, if anything, to do with cheating.

I'm not even convinced there's people who cheat and people who don't. That's not to say that everyone is capable at any given moment, or even throughout the course of their life, but I honestly think that everybody, in the right (wrong?) circumstances could.

I don't consider myself a cheater, nor can I ever see myself doing it. The thought repulses me, and it's never entered my mind.

That said, my ex wife did cheat on me. I didn't find out until after our marriage was over. Had I known/found out at the time, I honestly can't say that I wouldn't have cheated on her - if not for revenge, then to make myself feel better. The brain changes when you're faced with catastrophes, stress, anxiety, depression, etc etc etc. In my "right" mind, I'm not a cheater. Find out my ex wife has been sleeping around? Who the hell knows what my brain will justify. I spent 3 or 4 months after we split drinking my butt off, and I'm not an alcoholic. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

What I DO believe is that there are different kinds of cheaters. You have those that just do it. Perhaps it's lack of conscience, addiction or they're sociopaths. They go looking, or at least don't avoid situations they should and welcome advances. It feels good, and they're self-centered.

There are those who do it because they are feeling unwanted or unimportant to their partner, so they justify their actions. This is self-esteem based. They're not self-centered. They need to be desired or appreciated.

There are those who have no pre-meditation to it whatsoever. It's not something they've thought about. They could be perfectly content in their relationship, yet somebody comes along who makes them feel better, and maybe they never thought somebody could do that.

Regardless, it's never right or justified, and you're still 100% at fault. The reasons why simply don't matter in the end.

But my premise is that ALL personality types are capable of doing it. It's the circumstances you're in that determine whether you do or not - regardless of whether you're intro- or extroverted. Sure, maybe extroverts are more "out there" in social situations and consequently appear as though they are more available than an introvert, but both extros and intros tend to draw (or are drawn to) the same types as them, meaning, in theory, that as long as one leaves the house, anything is possible.


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