# Advice Needed - What to do



## Insurgo (Jul 9, 2012)

Hey guys, I appreciate this is my first post here but I have read a few threads from people in situations and the advice given seems to be really good. To be honest I am totally stumped to the point of not sleeping and would be so appreciative of any help.

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and a half now. It was a semi long distance relationship (if thats a term!) until she moved in with me a couple of weeks ago. She is a bit younger than me as I am 24 and she is 20. I met her 3/4 months after coming out of a 2 year relationship which ended because I was cheated on, she came out of a 6 month (I think) relationship for being cheated on aswell.

The first 6 months of the relationship were perfect beyond belief, couldnt believe how lucky I was etc and was genuinely the best time of my life. We would only see each other at weekends because of her college course and me working, neither of us drive so seeing each other on weekdays wasn't usually an option barring the odd exception.

The first issue, and something that still exists, was me really not feeling wanted when she wasn't with me. The only contact we would have most days except a nightly phone call was a text message maybe every 3 hours because of her taking so long to reply. This would never have bothered me if she was like that from the start but it was the complete opposite for months. She would be at college and then immediately go out to see her friends and her excuses would be she was 'too busy' or 'forgot'. That issue bothered me a little but was willing to accept it as just being her because it was so amazing when I was with her.

Next (and sorry if this seems fickle) was that the sex stopped. The amount we would actually do it slowly went from multiple times a day to once a week, to once a month, to once every few months. While I know this is to be expected to an extent as a relationship matures, I have never been in a situation where sex is that scarce. Take now for instance, to date it has been about 4 and a half months since we last did it. Her reasoning for this is that she just doesn't want it anymore which I believe and I have also told her explicitely that I don't want her to do it just for me as I am not like that.

But its not just the sex. Since it started dying down, any kind of intimacy went with it. My guess is that, even if she isnt doing it consiously, she doesn't want to do anything like passionate kissing because it could lead to sex. The closest I get to her now is a peck on the lips and a cuddle.

Now the next part is my fault! I get quite a bit of attention from females and that has always been a source of paranoia for my girlfriend and again, I can accept that because it shows she cares and I have paranoid tendencies as well due to being cheated on a couple of times and stuff that happened earlier in life. But 3 months ago(ish) I started talking to a girl that I have known on and off for a good few years and started realising that I liked her, things progressed and we both admitted this to each other. It got to the point where she wanted to split up with her boyfriend (I know, not proud of myself) and come and live with me. She proposed this to me via Facebook (anti-social networking at its best) and I replied by telling her that I do feel very strongly for her but I am with my current girlfriend and don't want to leave her.

She didn't speak to me again after I told her that but unfortunately a few days later my girlfriend went through my messages on Facebook and saw it. As you can imagine this was a big issue and all I could do was explain why I think it happened and point out to her that I didn't do anything. Of course I didn't try to pin the blaim on her because it was my fault but she wanted me to give her reasons so I did.

A couple of weeks later I mentioned to her that there was a guy on Facebook (I have learnt to hate the thing!) that was pretty much involved in everything she did and just asked her about it. She took this as me accusing her which caused more issues, in hind sight maybe I shouldn't have said anything considering what happened 2 weeks before.

Time went on and this carried on and there were occasions where she met up with him, 3 of which she lied and told me she was seeing somebody else but I found out otherwise because she is a rubbish lier! Her excuse for lying is because she didn't want to make me worry by telling me who she was seeing but that obviously didnt work. My thoughts at this point are a) she is lying because she doesn't want to make me worry or b) she is lying because she is up to something.

Through all this keep in mind that about 5 months into our relationship I mentioned to her that I was planning on seeing an old female friend from college that I hadn't seen in years but as she lived a good distance away, she would have to stay the night. She had a problem with this so I promptly, but hesitantly, cut off contact with her because I didn't want to jeaordise our relationship.

A couple of days when she was with me she would spend a good 5-6 hours solid talking to him online while pretty much ignoring me which again leads to me being in the wrong.

I confronted her again about this guy and again, it was just turned on me because 'I didn't trust her'. Nothing was going on so I was in the wrong for worrying!

Fast forward a week or 2 and she finishes college and moved in on the date we had planned over 6 months ago. She seems really distant and just not herself. She would normally be quite a cuddly and affectionate (not to be confused with intimate!) person. I let it slide because she had just moved away from her parent for the first time so expected a bit of 'not herselfness'.

A few days go on and I ask her why and she tells me that because I am ill, she doesn't want to catch anything from me as she works part time at a nursery and isn't allowed to work if ill at all. I thought that was a bit strange but accepted it anyway.

One night after she had been weird with me for a fair few days, I noticed that she had been sending somebody quite a long text message and doing the worst job in the world at hiding it from me. Later that night I asked her about it and she admitted she was texting this guy and I asked what the message said. That isn't something I would usually do but just found it amazing that after all the things she had done involving him she is still doing her best to make me paranoid. Now after a bit of argument she eventually read the text to me and the bit that stands out in my mind is her saying to him 'You are amazing, you mean the world to me. Can't wait to see you again'. Obviously I wasn't happy about this and initially she tried turning the blame on me because 'she knows nothing is going on' but eventually she realises how it made me feel and apologised a lot.

Now I don't think she is doing anything with him, I honestly don't. We have mutual friends and I have mentioned it to them and they all think the same. I just think she is very naive when it comes to how things make me feel.

Another few days and I am not ill but she is still the same way. I ask again and she says she just doesn't feel like it anymore which is quite confusing on my part as over the course of a week she has changed personality completely from being super affectionate to being really distant.

I wasn't quite sure how to act so I just tried to let it slide and get on with it but it eventually got on top of me as I couldn't understand the reason for this change. I went pretty much a full day without any real attention, no closeness, no kisses until we got into bed that night and she asked me if I love her any less than I used to. I think that was when it kicked in that I was really getting upset by things. I replied with no because thats the truth, I have never stopped loving her I am just unhappy with the current situation. Her response is that she is going to try her hardest to make things right and the next day was great, like I had the old her back.

Fast forward to the next day (today) and she is back to the previous state. I had about an hour of her being 'nice' to me but apart from that nothing.

The frustrating and confusing thing is that I don't know where I stand. There has been a few occasions over the last couple of weeks where she was being affectionate with me and 5/10 minutes later I would recirocate by going to hug her in a hallway, holding her hand etc but have been met by severe resistance, a look of disgust and really getting the idea she doesn't want it.

I mentioned this to her and she apparently doesn't realise she is doing it. She gets upset and I have told her that I am just going to go about my business, I will not initiate any kind of 'closeness' and will just let her come to me if she wants it.

I am going to give it a go but I don't think I am happy with that. If I do have to be like that with her permanently then I think I am just going to feel even more like I am in a loveless relationship. Now thats a hard one because I do think, no I know that she loves me, I just don't feel like it.

So what do I do? Ride it out and see if things get better? Talk to her... again? *Head explodes*


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi Insurgo -- Well, I wouldn't be so sure that there's "nothing going on" with the guy on Facebook. But regardless, I think you two should take a break from your relationship. There's no reason you have to be with her "permanently" -- you aren't married -- you haven't taken any vows. 

It sounds like you're really confused right now by her behavior and I don't blame you -- I think she does know why she acts distant and refuses any kind of intimacy. She's trying to send you a message about your relationship, and it's probably not one you want to hear. I know you try and explain away her behavior because you want there to be a reason other than she's checked out of the relationship --- but my instinct tells me that she has.

IMO a break is the best thing right now.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

She might have full knowledge of the girl you have been chatting with on FB. Don't assume you've swept that under the rug and gotten away with it. 

The look of digust and not wanting any affection means she is done. 

You are both looking for a replacement. The kind thing to do would be break up.


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