# incommensurate sex drives



## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hello all,

My wife and I have been married for a little more than 4 years (we're 26) and have a 9 mo. old son. When we dated, our sex drives matched up fairly well, but we were young and had the excitement of trying new things. Since we've been married, we've experienced a sharp diversion in sex drives. I'm on pace for 3-4 times a week while she's good with twice a month (this was even true before our son, she's even more reluctant now). When I initiate sex, I'm instantly rebuffed and the only way it will happen is after 15 minutes of begging. Quite frankly, I'm tired of this and incredibly frustrated. Could anyone offer some advice on how we could match up our sex drives (healthy outlets for me or stimulation for her)? We're not going to bed together anymore, starting to become distant, and the lack of intimacy is really hurting our relationship. 

Thanks in advance and take care.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Challenges with seemingly incompatible sex drives is a fairly common problem within marriage. As you may be aware, a man's drive can be fairly constant (because of the higher levels of testosterone in his body) and a woman's drive is more cyclical and more emotional (it's based upon the life cycle stage she is in - pregnancy, post-partum, perimenopausal, menopausal and the amount of estrogen in her body.)

So, she just had a baby 9 months ago. Is she breastfeeding? The hormones released during breastfeeding suppress sexual desire in the woman - kind of like nature's way of ensuring she doesn't get pregnant again so that she has the reserves to take care of the baby she currently has.

What kind of birth control is she on? If it's hormonal, that can also mess with a woman's libido because it changes the natural balance of hormones that she has and often suppresses ovulation - which is when testerosterone and progresterone are released - both of which affect desire.

Okay. Enough biology lesson. 

Here's a list of possible causes of loss of desire in women that you can take a look at: Low sex drive in women - MayoClinic.com

In many cases, it can be relationship issues that need to be addressed - anything from profound resentments to small misunderstandings. I would recommend you stop begging your wife - pleading is something that a child would do, not a man. It appears as weak and won't foster her attraction to you.

And it is perfectly normal for a man to want to have sexual intimacy with his wife. But, many wives do not understand how important this is to their husbands in more than just a physical sense - but in the emotional sense. How willing is your wife to work with you on addressing this issue?

God Bless.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

In addition to the suggestions Enchantment had, try giving her a massage first to relax her and get her mind off daily problems. Are you helping as much as you can with the baby? Get a babysitter and have a date night once a week.

Set the stage by texting her during the day with sexy comments. Flirt with her; touch her lightly on the behind at odd moments. Let her know that you connect with her sexually; it is not just a physical act. Keep trying different things to see what she likes. Ask her what her fantasies are. Make sure she is lubricated, too, with your wet finger or oil. If she is dry, sex is painful.

Does she know how her body works? If she doesn't know how to orgasm, she will not enjoy sex.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hi All,

Thanks for the quick replies lovesherman and Enchantment.

I understand the cyclic nature of her body fairly well, and her birth control does lower her drive, we found that out very early in our marriage. Also, I understand the last 9 months (18 really, pregnancy hormones are ridiculous. She's about to stop breast feeding and has just restarted her cycle, so maybe we'll have a hormone wave in the next few weeks. 

I should also clarify, the "begging" mentioned previously is more like persistence than groveling, I basically have to convince her it's worth the effort and that we're due (she has to rationalize having sex, zero spontaneity). However, my wife is the gatekeeper for sex and it seems like she's changed the locks lately.

In the past she has been reserved about addressing this issue. About two years into our marriage, I broached the subject of couples therapy/sex therapy just so we could work through the issues and some depression we were both going through due to new circumstances. She flatly rejected the idea and every time we have a conversation about it, her feelings end up getting hurt, I feel more frustrated, and even if we do agree to try a new approach, we're back to our old norm in two weeks. 

Emotionally, she can be a bit closed off when she's caught up in her work, and I can be the same way, which may be a big part of the issue. I'm working on engaging her more and spending more quality time together, but she's kind of a couch potato and quality time doesn't come in front of the TV.

I also help out plenty around the house and with the baby. I'm responsible for about half of the household chores (cooking, cleaning, baby, etc.) as well as all of the outdoor chores. I go out socially about twice a month with work friends, but spend all of the remaining time with my wife and son.

Regarding the mood setters, if my hand strays during a massage, her clothes go back on. If I make a move after, she's too tired or relaxed and doesn't want to spoil it. I've tried the flirty touches, longer kisses, different positions (she only really likes one), and she doesn't open up about fantasies. Period. I've tried to pry them out of her. We use lubrication religiously as well. Finally, she can orgasm from clitoral stimulation (I have that one down), but while she enjoys sex, she doesn't get there. Usually this isn't a problem since I can take care of her before or after (or on a good day, both).

She also refuses freebies (when I offer without any expectations of reciprocation) religiously, and refuses to accept oral sex, which I find (giving) intimate. 

Again, I'm a bit frustrated since I feel like I put all the effort into our sex life and have nothing to show for it. Lately I've quit trying and have just been taking care of things myself, but that's leading me down a very bad road and I need to change directions.

Thanks again for your help and I hope the extra info helps.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sounds like you are doing everything right. I just don't get these women who don't enjoy intimacy with their husbands. Is there any chance you could hint about some hot co-worker coming on to you at work? How you fended her off? Sometimes a woman's territorial instinct will kick in. Have you told her that you want to feel connected to her, and you do this through sex? 

Could you hire a babysitter and book a night at a B& B or nice hotel? Surprise her with this. You need to shake up the dynamic of your relationship.

I wish every wife would understand how important sex is to maintaining a connection in marriage. See if she will read this website:

Sex Is an Emotional Need - Focus on the Family


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Okay. We'll take a couple of different paths here. It is a little concerning that things slipped prior to baby because having a baby is notorious for being a kill joy regarding sex - it doesn't have to be, but so many women let it be because they are tired, their hormones are whacked, and they don't really have an understanding of their husband's needs.

Path 1: The route to your attraction.

Would you say your wife is still attracted to you? Are you well-groomed, confident, light-hearted? Have you lost any of the mojo you had when you were dating/first married?

Here's a blog (and there's a book you can buy too, of course  ) that you may be interested in. I've been trawling through it recently - some good things I agree with, some meh. Look through it and see if it resonates with you: Married Man Sex Life

Path 2: The road to enlightenment (hers)

This one is harder because your wife needs enlightenment - enlightenment on what sex means to a husband. But, even then, she needs to have that epiphany herself.

But, you NEED to let her know what your need is and how it makes you feel. Would she be willing to read through something like the following: Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

Path 3: The road to enlightenment (yours)

So, when you discuss this with your wife does she ever articulate how she feels (other than perhaps burdened)? Do you think that she is getting fulfillment out of your marriage or does she feel like something is missing?

Would she be willing to work on something together, such as from the marriagebuilders.com site? There you can each identify things that 'turn you off' about your partner and relationship: Love Busters

and likewise, things that you need out of the relationship and your partner: Emotional Needs Questionnaire

There's also a good article on that site about after having a baby.

Best wishes.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Hi Enchantment,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. 

The blog in Path 1 doesn't resonate with me, my wife's a neuroscientist and I have a hard time buying what he's selling. Regarding the attraction factor, I do go through grooming cycles (I get a beard and grow my hair out) but maintain a clean appearance. I've also lost about 15 pounds since we started dating and am in decent shape. I'm more stressed now than I was earlier in our marriage, but still tend to be lighthearted. I could definitely do things to make myself more attractive though, and I'll work on that.

Path 2 would be great, but this is really a touchy subject in our relationship. The next time we discuss our sex life, I'll keep this one in mind.

Path 3 is easy. My wife is sexually satisfied, or at least satisfied with our frequency. Her work is going well, she has good friends, and the arrival of our son has been incredibly fulfilling, so I don't think she's missing anything. She hasn't been open to therapy in the past, so I'm skeptical about these type of DIY methods, but maybe she'll be up for them now, especially after the baby.

Thanks for your time and keep the comments coming!


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Lovesherman,

Thanks for the encouragement, I know I can do a lot better, but it's good to hear something positive. I'm not comfortable playing the jealousy card, especially since that would make my wife shut down. Besides, I do have a hot co-worker I was fairly close to (I put in some distance since I was bordering on an emotional affair) and it really just made her clam up more.

Unfortunately, our son is still being breast fed and our work schedules are nightmarish for the next several months, so we won't be able to get away. We do sneak a few nights out here and there, but we haven't had sex after one of those yet. She's usually tired which is incredibly frustrating. I've even broken out the flowers, wine, and sweet talk... nada.

Like I posted previously, I'll try to get her involved with the self help sites.

Thanks again for your support and take care!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Next time she's breastfeeding, ask her what she does when your child is hungry but she just isn't in the mood to feed him. When she looks at you like you're insane, point out the obvious...that both you and your son depend on her for needs that only she can provide.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

That's an interesting approach unbelievable, thanks!

Unfortunately, our budding family is suffering through a stomach flu so I won't be broaching the subject for a few days :/


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

It honestly sounds to me like there are too many things on her plate. It can only hold so much, and then something has to give and slides off. For a mom with a new baby that is still breastfeeding and is working, it can be a real grind. I've been there and it is very difficult. Unfortunately, too many women let their husbands be the thing to slide off their plate.

Even if she doesn't feel like having sex, would she still be willing to share intimate moments with you - holding you while you masturbate, giving you a HJ/BJ? My H and I used to do this when I was a walking zombie when I had babies and was breastfeeding.

More information for you to consider of what may be going on with her that you could tactfully broach: Intimacy After Childbirth - FamilyEducation.com

Support your wife, let her know you love her, but don't give up on wanting sexual intimacy with her and pursuing that.

God Bless.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

Re: "The blog in Path 1 doesn't resonate with me, my wife's a neuroscientist and I have a hard time buying what he's selling."
> I would suggest that you look at your wife as not "your" wife or a neuroscientist, but as a woman whom you need to (re) generate a sexual interest in you. Sorry to say this, but based on what you have written, her interest has been declining over recent years, and right now it is obvious that it is only obligatory. MMSL is not trying to "sell" you anything. He IS "telling" you about your wife - the woman - and what she needs (unconsciously or otherwise) to see in you as a sexually desirable man. THAT will get you what you want - SEX. That SHOULD resonate with you. Children, maternal hormones, et al ARE new factors in all this, but YOU are going to have to realize what is happening (is going to happen) and be sure that you are sufficiently knowledgeable of how to steer your spouse and marriage AROUND what all too often is initially seen as a 'maturing' marriage, later to be seen as a partnership, yada . . . leading to statements such as this (and worse) which are posted throughout this website: "Since we've been married, we've experienced a sharp diversion in sex drives. I'm on pace for 3-4 times a week while she's good with twice a month (this was even true before our son, she's even more reluctant now). When I initiate sex, I'm instantly rebuffed and the only way it will happen is after 15 minutes of begging. Quite frankly, I'm tired of this and incredibly frustrated." It may be her, but not so much as you might want to comfortably WANT to believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry DanG, we'll have to agree to disagree on the blog. I'm fully aware that there are things I can do to make myself more attractive to my wife. I don't mean to cast stones since I know that site might work for lots of people, it's just not for me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

By the birth of our last baby, my husband had become somewhat adept at what I call the "Four P's".

He was *P*ersisant (without being obnoxious, pushy, or needy).

He was *P*atient (without being rude about it).

He was *P*ersuasive (without being a jerk about it).

He was NOT *P*issy (never got mad).

In otherwords, my husband simply maintained that he believed our sexual intimacy was important, he was invested in it and me, and he navigated the choppy waters - sometimes steering me in the right path.

Do not be afraid to let your wife know that you desire her, that this is important to you, that you are not afraid to navigate these waters and will help guide her along.

Best wishes.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> By the birth of our last baby, my husband had become somewhat adept at what I call the "Four P's".
> 
> He was *P*ersisant (without being obnoxious, pushy, or needy).
> 
> ...



Dude, I'd lay it out for her, otherwise you're looking at more and more years of less and less sex. If you don't fix this issue now, then you'll be back here in ten years wondering why your wife is having an affair.

Dismiss AtholK's site if you wish, but my wife is in neurobiology as well and while she can tell me all sorts of technical things about electrochemical response to stimulus and serotonin re-uptake and the like, the fact is that she's not a brain, she's a woman. And a wife. And a mother. Despite her education, she doesn't diverge significantly from the rank-and-file of womanhood enough for Athol's advice not to work. I'd encourage a more careful re-reading of his stuff. And he might be selling a book, but I can advocate that it might be among the best $10 you ever spent.

But if you don't make it clear to your wife that your needs are important not just to you, but to the relationship and the marriage, then you're not going to get what you want.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

randomtxguy said:


> Sorry DanG, we'll have to agree to disagree on the blog. I'm fully aware that there are things I can do to make myself more attractive to my wife. I don't mean to cast stones since I know that site might work for lots of people, it's just not for me.


Okay. Athol's blog may not be for everyone.

Here's a good read if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving-Rekindling/dp/140009738X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1317058195&sr=8-2

God Bless.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Enchantment, thanks for the 4 P's! I'll keep those in mind and really think they'll work well in my relationship.

Regarding AtholK's site, I did not mean to insult the site nor anyone who has used it. On the contrary, I'm glad you found what you were looking for in that site and congratulate you on the improvement to your relationship and sex life. My comment was simply intended to indicate that I am not comfortable with the way he presents his material and find some of the concepts off-putting. Also, if my wife were involved, she would be distracted by the neuroscience components in the blog. Again, it's just not for me but I wish you all the best.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

The thing that fascinates (and infuriates) me about this 'marriage gaming' "thing" is how true it is and how well it works - even when/if both partners know what is going on - OR NOT!! My wife is a highly respected, intelligent and knowledgeable person in the medical profession. While she knows what I am doing in the process of "gaming" her most of the time, and sometimes rebuffs (or sh*t tests) me in the process, if I just hold course she is responsive in no time - at least compared to the nearly-never-time of the past. Just as we can read countless times on this forem that woman say, 'I want to be in love with him, but I just can't," their response to Game is just as . . . "involuntary" as a married man is to a stripper sitting on his lap and blowing in his ear - in fact, probably moreso!! While I used to naturally do a lot of the gaming in my younger years that I now have RESUMED with my wife, I NEVER thought/realized that I would need to keep it up through four children and 20 years of marriage. I'm sure the common thinking is the same. HOWEVER, the common EXPERIENCE seems to be low/no-sex marriages. In short, courtship HARDLY ends with vows. If anything,it becomes MORE challenging. AND, G*d give strength to the spouse that is on a mission to remediate past neglect or sins! Those poor souls CAN look to Athol for help, albeit, a tough-love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I agree that she seems to have a lot on her plate, but she's not making time for you. She's not prioritising your needs.

Not tootin my horn, but I have 3 kids 3 and under (including breastfeeding a 3 month old), and I consider fulfilling my mans sexual needs as extremely important. I don't want him to ever feel like he can't get what he needs from me. And I also look after him in many other ways that previously I never felt like I should "have to", but that I now feel happy in doing.

I never used to feel this way, I felt like sex was a burden when he wanted it and I didn't. I felt he should just put up because I shouldn't be obligated to give myself to him if I wasn't in the mood. But the fact is in a marriage she has agreed to be your sexual partner and look after your needs. And there ARE some things that are worth doing out of _loving_ obligation. 

The book that majorly changed my view and understanding of men and their needs was this one Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520625): Laura Schlessinger: Books

That book saved our relationship and our happiness and he doesn't even know I've read it (and re-read it, many times). I even feel more attracted to him and more grateful than I ever did before. When I first saw the cover of the book I scoffed, but the reviews compelled me to get it and I am so glad I did. Now I better understand how my man thinks, I see him in a totally different light. I appreciate him more, want to please him (both sexually and otherwise), and put him at the top of my list again. We're far from perfect but 10 times better than we were 2 years ago!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great post, Idun. I feel the same way. It is hard to articulate the difference between "gaming" and doing things out of love. Spouses should want to meet each other's needs. However, I think that some people are very selfish, and gaming seems to work on them at a primal level.

I feel that loving my husband is one of the great joys of my life. He is a nice guy, and I love him for it. However, he does not put me on a pedestal, and he has a great sense of adventure, which I find very sexy.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks Idun, I'll see if I can get a copy of that book for my wife's night stand! 

Was there any difference between having your first child and the subsequent ones? I'm kind of thinking that my wife is stuck in new mommy mode (not "I want to *ahem* my husband and play the hot young wife" mode), which is something I want her to enjoy and take advantage of, especially while our son is this young. She seems to keep her sexual self separate from her nurturing, mothering self, which I understand and appreciate, but I'm ready for a bit of her wild side to come back and was wondering if your experience after your first was different than your experience after your third in that aspect.

Thanks again for the advice and take care!


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

DanG,

No means no sir! I kid, but really, that blog isn't for me and I appreciate your advice and the support you've given me. Again, it's not for me and I really hope you don't take that personally, I just identify with the sage wisdom of lovesherman, idun, and enchantment a bit more. Best wishes.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think it's pretty common for some women to feel uncomfortable with their 'sexy' side after they've become a mother.

Some of it is just mechanistic stuff - hormone changes, fatigue. Some of it is more subtle - not feeling comfortable with the way your body is after childbirth, feeling tremendous responsibility for your child now - this can loom especially large if you breastfeed your baby, or having guilt about returning to work.

The best thing a husband can do - try to create the kind of environment where his wife's sexuality can come out again. My husband continued to let me know he found me hot - and not in words, but in all of his subtle actions. He really made an effort to try and keep that side of me present instead of allowing it to be suppressed by all of my mothering instincts. How to do that? Well, that's where you've got to 'know thy wife' in some respects - find out what she responds to.

But, I think it's important not to give up and not to suppress your desire for connection with sexual intimacy - and it shouldn't be framed just as what is important to you, but what it important to her and the marriage - and your family - as a whole.

It did take me awhile to understand that my husband's desire was more than just a physical want, but a need for a deeper emotional connection with me. Ya know - some of us are slower learners than others. 

Best wishes.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

The biggest difference between the first and third child, was [honestly] reading that book in between and the effect it had on me. You'd think I was getting comission the number of people I've recommended it to. It's probably more effective on some people than others, but it seems there's a lot of universal truths in it about men, that a lot of women don't understand. 

Once you understand how important sex is for a man to feel loved and appreciated, you realise how much it hurts him emotionally to be rejected and refused intimacy, that makes you want to "do it for him". I end up really enjoying it too, of course! And the effect on our relationship is amazing when I meet his needs. So it's not like there's nothing in it for me.

My first baby was 6 weeks premature, the labour was long and it was a difficult birth. We went I think several months without sex after. I felt a little 'violated' down there and a small tear was uncomfortable. And first baby being preemie things were stressful and I was very focused on the baby. I was in mummy-mode for longer with my 1st because bubby was so fragile and it was all so amazing and new. 

However I've always been the way that as long as the baby is happy and quiet, I can think and feel sexual. I can be romantic and passionately kissing with my SO, baby will wake and need some attention. When she's ok, I turn back to my SO. I was not that flexible with my first, but I am certain it was mostly my mind frame (i.e. I thought him wanting sex was just "scratching an itch", and if I wasn't horny already I'd almost always turn him down). 

With my second, the labour and birth were a great experience and very empowering. We had sex quite soon after birth maybe 4 weeks, and I felt sex was better (better orgasms!) because I somehow understood my body more. 

My third was also a good birth. I do feel self conscious about my muscle tone 'down there' even though I've done my kegels. So I've bought a pelvic floor exerciser to get my confidence back. My SO has never complained but still, I like to keep in shape all over.

So maybe the birth was traumatic somehow for her and she doesn't feel in touch with herself sexually. Or perhaps she's self conscious about her body. Or perhaps she's not interested in making sex a priority because she doesn't realise how important it is for you, as a need, to feel loved by her.

After recovering physically from each birth I have never felt out of touch with my sexuality, but I still did not feel horny as much as my man. I've made our relationship a priority again recently, after all it's the most important relationship in the family, and after the kids are grown it will be just me and him again. I don't want Us to fall by the wayside or grow apart or succumb to the stresses of life and forget about each other. It takes effort and I've chosen to prioritise the relationship because I don't want to have a life without romance! 

But for women it has to start in the mind.

Sex is VERY mental for women, they have to feel emotionally sexually available before anything physical can be ignited.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Idun said:


> It's probably more effective on some people than others, but it seems there's a lot of universal truths in it about men, that a lot of women don't understand.
> 
> Once you understand how important sex is for a man to feel loved and appreciated, you realise how much it hurts him emotionally to be rejected and refused intimacy, that makes you want to "do it for him".


Universal truth for women to understand about men.

A woman has to come to this understanding on her own, though. It will be ineffective, and potentially counter-productive, if she feels pushed or forced to try and come to this realization before she is ready.




Idun said:


> BUT for women it has to start in the mind.
> 
> Sex is VERY mental for women, they have to feel emotionally sexually available before anything physical can be ignited.


Universal truth for men to understand about women ( even for some women to understand about themselves. )

For the logical men in our midst think of it like this - and this is only one argument point:

From a mechanistic view, testosterone in both men and women is a primary hormone that helps with sexual drive. The average* man has 10 times more testosterone in his body than the average woman. The average man's level is more consistent over time. The average woman's level is more cyclic over a short period of a time - peaking at ovulation when a lot of the testosterone is released.

Therefore, it follows that logically, the average woman will need additional driver(s) to 'supplement' her natural drive that she is given by her hormones if she is trying to match/meet the average man's natural drive. Those additional driver(s) will typically have to come from outside the physical spectrum - the emotional, mental, or spiritual.

*average is used to denote the majority that would fall within a bell curve


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Universal truth for women to understand about men.
> 
> A woman has to come to this understanding on her own, though. It will be ineffective, and potentially counter-productive, if she feels pushed or forced to try and come to this realization before she is ready.





Enchantment said:


> Universal truth for men to understand about women ( even for some women to understand about themselves. )


Right on! 

I wonder if those Horny Goat Weed are like a natural testosterone replacement for women..


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I've been a bit more assertive and confident in all the aspects of my life and have been more direct with my wife. She's also coming back to a normal cycle after breast feeding, so we've started re-engaging physically. We went from once or twice a month to twice in the last week (hopefully more to come tomorrow!).

Best wishes to all!

P.S. -- Any experience with the Horny Goat Weed? I've always been a bit intrigued.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

So, I thought it was time to update/close out this thread.

About a month ago, the W and I had our sex talk. It ended the same way it always does: She agreed to try to increase our frequency and be more open when I initiate. After a month, nothing changed (we've been intimate once in the past month and she gave me one treat after we had agreed on 2 - 3 x a week). Last night we had the talk again. This time I told her directly that I wasn't getting what I needed and didn't think she had put in any effort in to actually change things. She agreed with that and apparently I touched a nerve. After talking out a few of her issues, mostly her building up sex as a big deal and feeling too much pressure (mostly internal, not from me) to increase her desires, we agreed to a couple's exercise. So, for the next month, I'll be abstaining from all forms of sex. Meanwhile, my wife will be reflecting on her sexuality, perhaps seeing a sex therapist, and diving into the toy box to explore herself a bit and try to recapture some of her old desires. 

Hopefully, this will right the ship. We'll be able to focus on the nonsexual aspects of our relationship without any pressure and she'll have the chance to work on herself in peace. I never thought I'd be glad to go a month without sex, but we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck and I'd love to hear some comments/criticism on how to make this situation better.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Are you two going to be doing any kind of non-sexual relationship exercises together (e.g., something like the 'love busters' and 'emotional needs' worksheets from marriagebuilders.com) to try and strengthen your overall relationship together during this next month?

It might be worth exploring that side of things as well, especially since you'll have - well, some time on your hands. Oftentimes, sexual issues are a harbinger of other relationship issues that are going on.

Best wishes.


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## randomtxguy (Sep 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Are you two going to be doing any kind of non-sexual relationship exercises together (e.g., something like the 'love busters' and 'emotional needs' worksheets from marriagebuilders.com) to try and strengthen your overall relationship together during this next month?
> 
> It might be worth exploring that side of things as well, especially since you'll have - well, some time on your hands. Oftentimes, sexual issues are a harbinger of other relationship issues that are going on.
> 
> Best wishes.


Thanks for the idea! I planned on working to open up our lines of communication during the month and to just commit time to her that will not end in sex, which is something I'm sure she's missing. Something structured might not be a bad idea for us, but I think we're going in the right direction organically and don't want to mess that up.

Regarding other issues, we have a few career vs. family concerns, but they're not really that intense. Our main issue is the lack of sex and the barriers that causes. We have a few communication problems, but those are sorting themselves out during this process. 

Thanks for the ideas! Hopefully they work out, and if you have any experience or other ideas here, please feel free to share!


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