# New Here...Venting..Anxiety and Depression...instead of happiness for me....



## Grampswife12 (Dec 1, 2011)

So right now I am 8 months pregnant with my first child. Me and the hubby dated for a year and a half before we decided to tie the knot, and we are about to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary in january. I should be excited, and happy, but no instead im having major bouts of anxiety and depression that comes and goes, and just been worrying a whole lot lately about everything in life. Me and the hubby havent been getting along lately, been arguing a lot, about money issues, sex issues, family issues, pretty much everything you can think of. We barely talk to each other, the only time we talk is when we have our arguments, then we go to bed angry with each other. This is my first time being pregnant and i want to be happy but i cant seem to find the strength to be, because hes alwasy so down about everything in life. nothing is good enough, we dont have enough money, we dont have this, or that, we dont go out anymore, or do what we used to, i complain to much about being sore or in pain.....i think to myself....well duh...im in pain i have gained about 30 extra pounds and its weighing on my back and legs, he dont wanna here it, he doesnt want to hear the complaints. 
Well let me give you some background to our relationship, we started dating when i was 26-at the end stages of my partying wild drinking almost every weekend time!!!, he was 33-more mature, job oriented- we met in the Army guard in our state. Before i dated him, i was a bit of a rebel with guys, well kinda ****ty and had dated quite a few guys already in the army along with him. i had an on again off again relationship with my ex bf of ten years and wanted to try something new and different in my life. So i met him and he was so cute, and so nice, so happy, a different type of guy that he is now....thats for sure. We started dating in january of 2010 and had quite a few break ups here and there throughout the year wed been together...mainly my fault...well all my fault, i wanted to continue being the free me and seeing who i wanted to see and also see him, he wouldnt go for that so we split a few times. I finally changed and let go of all my baggage, past exes and stuff and really started to settle down with him and only him. By this time, he had been out through a whirlwind of i love yous to i dont want to be with you, to im not really in love with you, and i played with his heart and tore it apart. After all the stuff i put him through, he still managed to say i do at the alter on january 13, 2011, when we got married by the justice of the peace. it was so nice, it felt good, i was happy, he was happy, so a month or so passed and we were apart once again, i had a family emergency and had to head down texas to take care of an ailing grandpa, we were apart for a month and a half, but we talked almost everyday. We talked about getting an apartment together, we didnt live together yet, i still lived with my parents and he lived at his place. So we looked into apartments and we were supposed to both save up money for the apartment, i ended up just blowing my money on who knows what and he saved up enough for us to move into a nice place. We moved in together in April 2011, this was the first time in 27 years that i had lived on my own and not under my parents roof, it felt good, felt so real, i felt so grown, more adult like i should have all along. So we lived at the place for 8 months and everything seemed okay, i had noticed that we stopped talking so much or rarely talked to one another, but hey i was new to the married thing and just figured that it was normal, until one day he just errupts with anger and tells me i have to get the **** out, at this time we found out i was pregnant with our first child, we found out in May 2011 that we were pregnant, and it was june 2011 when he kicked me out because i was spending too much time with my family and getting on his nerves or whatver bs he said at the time, so i left and moved with my parents for a few weeks! how ****ed up is that you kick your pregnant wife out of her house, so i return weeks later and its strained, its weird, its like i dont belong there, he missed his babies first ultrasound and had his wife stressed to the max, to where she broke down in the obgyn office in front of the doctor. so im back and things seem to be going better, this time, i got a job and started working, making my own money while he worked his job, then here comes the downhill in this relationship yet again...he kicked me out again, well he told me to get out or stay and we could talk it through after i pick him up from work, but he wanted me to stay after saying he hated me and the only reason he married me was because he felt sorry for me, because i was a **** with no goals and he had to change me and make me better...along with some other bs. So i was fed up and i said **** it, hes gonna be like that im outta here. i call up some family members to help me move my stuff yet again!! and i thought i was out for good! but i missed him so much the past two to three weeks,and needed to go back to make it work, so yet again, my dumbass went back, in an attempt to make things better, well in hopes of things to change. So a week or so goes by and things seem okay yet again, just more and more strained like before. and we are talking a little bit more, we are going to appointments and actually making love. but still things are so weird. We then move into a new apartment due to some ongoing issues we had with neighbors, and i was thrilled, wed have some peace and quiet and we wouldnt have extra stress on our plates, so we moved in really fast and got settled in quickly. everything seemed to be going smooth, like it always starts off, until he has a snapping time and wants to ***** about this and that. All the problems just piled up more and more and instead of talking, we didnt talk, wed be in the routine of things, get up go to the doctors, make his breakfast, make his lunch for work, then make his lunch before work, then drive him to work, it was a routine and still is, now that im pregnant and still dont have a job, things are just rougher on our relationship having to rely on his measly checks to get us by, which we barely do. so we have money issues, we have a failing marriage we barely talk, say i love you, kiss or make love, everything is just down hill. Im even scared to be around him sometimes since he snapped last week and was pushing me around and even sat on top of me and was squishing me and the baby. i told him to stop and get off me and he wouldnt, i said your hurting me and he said he didnt care, i know these are red flags to say get the **** out now, but i have hope for us! but am i just being stupid, putting my life and my childs life in danger>? i told him he hurt me and he said in response, u hurt me and you hurt my pocket!!! what kind of response is that? So i have spoken to family members who were in abusive relationships before and they have told me to get out asap cause itll only get worse, so here i am contemplating whether to leave or not! i know what i need to do, but for some reason im hoping things will change. but will they ever, we dont even talk, im scared most days and im unsure when he will snap again and hurt me even more then before. This marriage isnt a marriage at all, i never been ,married before but i know this isnt how it should be. now with the financial issues that we are having, everything is worse and worse, and right now instead of feeling happy and excited for the soon to be mom to be, im depressed, and latley have been feeling like maybe it should just all end and things will be better that way. his negative feelings and emotions have brought me down beyond any point in my life and i never felt this way ever in my life. i love him i do, but i cant be in love with him, not when he hurts me or puts me down or belittles me. we seem to have a love/hate realtionship, we seem to be just two strangers living under the same roof with totally different perspedctives and views on life. So i just came here to vent and maybe if you have some advice you can share it with me, I just needed to get this off my chest and see ig anyone else is dealing with any issues like mine.


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