# Married 13 months & my wife hates sex



## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

I do not like discussing my personal life with friends or family members so what better way than to Google an Internet forum and ask random strangers for advice? Here goes...

My wife and I have been married for 13 months and we are a good match. We love one another and are both attractive people with successful careers and are financially stable. I am 26 she is 24 and we live in a nice house and have fun together. We do not have kids... yet of course. Sounds perfect right?

While there are a lot of great qualities in our marriage that I value deeply, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. Now I'm not saying this to degrade my wife or talk about her but she dislikes sex. In fact, last night she told me she "hates sex." When we have sex it feels like she is doing it out of obligation and not out of desire. She also hates to be touched and in fact gets "creeped out" by it. I can almost feel her skin crawl as I initiate physical contact with her.

Now I also want to clear a couple things up. She is not cheating on me and I can say that for certain. We do not drink, she doesn't have any type of mysterious behavior or anything what-so-ever that leads me to believe she is unfaithful. Also, I am not one of those guys that sits on his backside and expects her to wait on me 24/7. In fact, yesterday I scrubbed the bathrooms, mowed the lawn and edged the flower beds. We actually had a fight yesterday afternoon because I woke her up at 1 PM by running the vacuum in our bathroom. In fact, I was a little disturbed at her behavior as she had an "abnormal freakout" by yelling, cursing, hitting and just an overall temper tantrum because I was "annoying her."

She got over it rather quickly and we hosted a family cookout in which I manned the grill and she baked cupcakes. I cleaned the kitchen myself afterwards.

In conclusion, I don't know what I am doing wrong. I make a good amount of money, I clean, I cook, I do not put anyone in front of her and I want a good marriage. However, I'm constantly rejected for sex and it almost seems like she "hates me" at times.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Did you know this before you married her?
Be frank. She must recognize that normal people don't get married to be sexless. If she wants to remain married, she must address her issues through whatever means necessary.

Personally I would not remain married to someone who claims to hate sex. There is no point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you ever had a good sexual relationship with your wife (prior to marriage, beginning months of marriage)?

Has your wife had any prior sexual relationships, or does she have any history of sexual abuse in her past?


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

We had a very good sex life while dating. I know people will say "this is why you should wait" but we used to have sex a lot before we were married. However, she has told me that it was different then and our sex life will never be like that again.

I am only her second partner and there is no history of sexual abuse or anything of that nature.

One thing I failed to mention is that she complains that it hurts her to have sex. However, this is obviously preceded by a lack of libido. 

She hasn't always disliked touch, in fact when we were dating we couldn't keep our hands off one another.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

How was it different then? Does she clarify?


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> How was it different then? Does she clarify?


It was every night. I mean unless it was her time of the month it was guaranteed. There were times when I was even too tired and didn't feel like it but it was 100%. 

She implied we would never have sex that frequently again. And I'm OK with that. I don't understand the change but I'm OK with a few times a week, heck even one night a week of passionate sex would be OK. However, the sex we have now feels completely out of obligation.

I do think she wants something to "spice it up" but I've been rejected so many times I'm hesitant to even try.

My wife has a bad temper and she does not handle criticism well. If I mention issues such as this it usually spawns into an all out fight that usually results in her saying something hurtful.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Your wife DOES NOT hate sex, and being touched DOES NOT creep her out. The truth is, she hates sex with YOU and YOUR the one that creeps her out. Do you think that if she was put in a hotel room for a week with Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum, she would hate his touch?.... NO!

And this is like the 1000th time i have said this. Being a good husband is not being the cooker, the cleaner, the provider... it is being the man that your wife wants to get f*cked by. Your wife does not want to get f*cked by you. As a matter of fact she doesnt even want you to touch her. She doesnt respect you or even like you. You provide for her, cook, clean and she just yells at you and you take it like a good little beta male. Your not even a man in her eyes. That is part of the reason that she doesnt want you to touch her. You have alot to learn about "Marriage game" and being an "alpha husband"

good places to start
marriedmansexlife.com
Citizen Renegade

You can whine and complain and try to be understanding and "work out" things with your wife... all that while she is out riding alpha c*ck. Oh and I guarantee that your wife is attracted to some one else. Honestly you need to start standing up for yourself. And a way to do that is to start shifting away from her. I think you need to break up with her... honestly you do. You need to make her as small in your world as you are in hers. dont try to win her over and fight her mean with your nice... you need to fight her mean with your booting her ass out the door. You need to kick her out of the house and start hustling other women... that is probably the only way that your wife will respect you and see you as desirable again... because right now your just an ant in her world.... an annoying ant. How can you put up with this? You need to leave! but i am sure your too beta for that...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

So why the change? Does she say? She was the one who said it was different now what did she mean by that?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

privatejohndoe;366066
In conclusion said:


> Pretend you were unemployed, played video games all day, your wife supported you. You sat around in dirty clothes, did not take showers and smelled bad. Your future plans included going to a video game convention, paid for by your wife. Let's say that your wife's reaction to this was to give you plenty of affection and sex. I bet you'd think there was something wrong with her. Think about how she should react to the scenario I describe. Then, turn it around and think about how you should react to a wife that refuses sex in your marriage?
> 
> Your wife is testing you to see what kind of man you are. You are failing. Instead of standing up for your rights as a man in a marriage, you are cooking and cleaning (acting like a woman). You are allowing her to yell at you for waking her up at 1:00 in the afternoon while you are vaccuming. Can you see the male / female role reversal here? If she is a heterosexual woman she would not be attracted to this.
> 
> If I was at your age, with a 24 year old wife and she told me she "hates sex", I would immediately tell her that you are not going to live in a sexless marriage and will be seeing a lawyer tomorrow.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

whammy said:


> Your wife DOES NOT hate sex, and being touched DOES NOT creep her out. The truth is, she hates sex with YOU and YOUR the one that creeps her out. Do you think that if she was put in a hotel room for a week with Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum, she would hate his touch?.... NO!
> 
> And this is like the 1000th time i have said this. Being a good husband is not being the cooker, the cleaner, the provider... it is being the man that your wife wants to get f*cked by. Your wife does not want to get f*cked by you. As a matter of fact she doesnt even want you to touch her. She doesnt respect you or even like you. You provide for her, cook, clean and she just yells at you and you take it like a good little beta male. Your not even a man in her eyes. That is part of the reason that she doesnt want you to touch her. You have alot to learn about "Marriage game" and being an "alpha husband"
> 
> ...


Good points and I often wonder about the "power struggle" in our relationship. While we were dating I feel I "wore the pants" in the relationship but once we got married, I feel like a conceded a lot of control. I could always threaten to walk if things weren't going my way but once we got married, joined finances and made large purchases (such as cars and houses together) it got much more difficult. I think a lot of what you said is very true. She is obviously attracted to someone and I have became that "pee-on" she doesn't respect, however, I don't feel like threatening to leave or "flexing my muscle" that I could get other women is conducive to a healthy marriage. I could be the jerk you describe but there has to be a better way to reestablish her respect for me without "blowing the lid off." I don't want a divorce.



magnoliagal said:


> So why the change? Does she say? She was the one who said it was different now what did she mean by that?


No explanation for the change but it was just made clear it had changed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is a no-brainer. She put out the cheese long enough for the trap to do it's job. What you have now is the "real" her. The sexual creature you dated was an act.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Pretend you were unemployed, played video games all day, your wife supported you. You sat around in dirty clothes, did not take showers and smelled bad. Your future plans included going to a video game convention, paid for by your wife. Let's say that your wife's reaction to this was to give you plenty of affection and sex. I bet you'd think there was something wrong with her. Think about how she should react to the scenario I describe. Then, turn it around and think about how you should react to a wife that refuses sex in your marriage?
> 
> Your wife is testing you to see what kind of man you are. You are failing. Instead of standing up for your rights as a man in a marriage, you are cooking and cleaning (acting like a woman). You are allowing her to yell at you for waking her up at 1:00 in the afternoon while you are vaccuming. Can you see the male / female role reversal here? If she is a heterosexual woman she would not be attracted to this.
> 
> If I was at your age, with a 24 year old wife and she told me she "hates sex", I would immediately tell her that you are not going to live in a sexless marriage and will be seeing a lawyer tomorrow.


Another good point and I see what you are saying. However, I don't want a divorce. There has to be a better way than just "blowing the roof off" my life. I mean we make a good match, the financial side of our marriage is very strong and I like the fact I'm not married to a woman with relaxed morals that I have to worry about sleeping with someone else. I dated plenty of attractive women but I always had to worry about infidelity and I don't have that with my wife.

Regarding the role reversals, I see what you are talking about but I don't see a good option. She doesn't clean so if I want it to get done, I have to do it myself. However, it's not like I was doing the baking and she was mowing the grass. I do the male parts (grilling, mowing, etc.) but I have to do the traditional female parts such as vacuuming and scrubbing the bathrooms if they are going to get done. However, it's not like she doesn't do any of them. She does laundry and irons but she is not a "neat freak" like me.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> This is a no-brainer. She put out the cheese long enough for the trap to do it's job. What you have now is the "real" her. The sexual creature you dated was an act.


Why the trap though?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What is she bringing to this equation? She doesn't cook. She doesn't clean. She doesn't want to have sex. For a 100% investment of your time/energy/finances, you get someone who tosses clothes in a washer and does a little ironing? There's a laundry nearby that'll do the same for less than 20.00 a week. They won't yell, scream, and cuss you out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

privatejohndoe said:


> Why the trap though?


security. Most likely, financial.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> What is she bringing to this equation? She doesn't cook. She doesn't clean. She doesn't want to have sex. For a 100% investment of your time/energy/finances, you get someone who tosses clothes in a washer and does a little ironing? There's a laundry nearby that'll do the same for less than 20.00 a week. They won't yell, scream, and cuss you out.


Good points again but I want us to work and I think she wants us to work. I mean I like the companionship and I really do love her. I know she loves me but it's turning that love back into passion that I am after. However, I agree the "temper tantrums" from a girl nearly 25-years-old need to go. She did apologize for her outburst but as I told her it wasn't an apology I was after, I wanted to know why all the resentment.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> This is a no-brainer. She put out the cheese long enough for the trap to do it's job. What you have now is the "real" her. The sexual creature you dated was an act.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> security. Most likely, financial.


I understand security and while I do make more money than she does, she works as an RN and not only makes decent money but has excellent health insurance benefits. So it's not like I'm the sole bread winner although my yearly salary is more than double hers.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


OK so the sex before was all a hook or an act. But now we are in this for the long haul. So it's how do we move forward? Impossible? Just say screw it and file a divorce?

If she didn't love me I'd say that was the only option but I know she loves me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> This is a no-brainer. She put out the cheese long enough for the trap to do it's job. What you have now is the "real" her. The sexual creature you dated was an act.


Actually, it sounds like he is the one who changed the cheese on her - becoming an unattractive doormat after marriage and she is responding to that.

@ OP ~

Go search the Men's Clubhouse for the sticky thread at the top of the forum and do some reading: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Also look in to this and see if anything there resonates with you:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

People love whom they serve. She can't love you because she isn't doing anything FOR you. All she does is provide money and health insurance, iron and do a little laundry.

What's in it for you? How does she show her love to you?

Or yes enchantment may be right that you are the one that changed. You settled for debt and money plus gave her the pants to wear. That's not attractive.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> OK so the sex before was all a hook or an act. But now we are in this for the long haul. So it's how do we move forward? Impossible? Just say screw it and file a divorce?
> 
> If she didn't love me I'd say that was the only option but I know she loves me.


It may not have been a hook or an act at all. Don't take all of the woman-bashing comments to heart - you are the only one that truly knows your wife and not all women are cruel, heartless venus flytraps.

You've only been married a short period of time - the first few years of marriage are often the most hard in terms of adjusting to each other.

Do you feel like your wife is as happy in the marriage as you are?

Do you feel like your wife is being fulfilled - inside and outside the bedroom?

I know when I first got married, the first few years were a very rocky transition and I was not happy. You might want to explore some and see if you can get to the true root of your wife's feelings.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is too sure of you. She probably thinks that no matter what she does, you are too far in to leave. What ever you do please don't bring kids into to this. You seem to have taken on the role of an abused woman. Ignore the bait and switch junk -it will inhibit you ability to solve your problem and have a healthy relationship with her or any women.

Every problem after marriage is not evidence that women are man eaters. Men change drastically right after the wedding they think their change is justified but their wife's change is unreasonable. They live in a would where anything female is negative and abnormal and the male point of view is normal. We are both normal and different. 

If you think it is bad now, wait until you are married 10yrs with 2 kids. Do you think you can recapture the man you were when you dated and maintain it under all circumstances and for 30 yrs? Why did you commit to a woman with a temper. 

She may have a personality problem look up borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality etc. You are at a critical juncture in your life. What you do now will propel you down a path that will be difficult to get off. You must consider carefully. Selling a house and separating  finances is easier now than 10 yrs and 2 kids from now. 

One consideration is, would you have married her knowing what you know now? Are you compatible with the person she is now? Do you think she deceived you about who she was? Do the people who know her say that she was always the way xshe is now but was different when you were dating? How well do you know her? 

While you are with her you have to overcome some problems in you that will not be good in any relationship. You respond to unreasonable situations by trying harder to please instead of asking WTF is going on here. Establish firm boundaries, no tantrums or you leave the premises, shared household task or it goes undone, you did not sign up for a sexless marriage so tgat has to be fixed or you don't stay married. 

BTW your marriage does not sound good to me it is horrible. You need to become a person who can get a grip on this situation. . Wake up this is your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> Another good point and I see what you are saying. However, I don't want a divorce. There has to be a better way than just "blowing the roof off" my life. I mean we make a good match, the financial side of our marriage is very strong and I like the fact I'm not married to a woman with relaxed morals that I have to worry about sleeping with someone else. I dated plenty of attractive women but I always had to worry about infidelity and I don't have that with my wife.


You have a very high risk in your marriage that she will be unfaithful. Your wife is a sexual person. Even in females, sexual desire cannot be contained without something breaking. She is ripe for a man to come into her life and uncork that sexual desire. You should take what I am saying very seriously and project to what emotions you will feel when your supposed prude wife submits sexually to another man.

If you tolerate your wife not being sexual with you, then your wife will not be sexual with you. It will never change if you tolerate it. She is secretly begging for you to stop tolerating it. A statement of what you will not tolerate is more llikely to lead to her changing then her walking away from the marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

privatejohndoe said:


> OK so the sex before was all a hook or an act. But now we are in this for the long haul. So it's how do we move forward? Impossible? Just say screw it and file a divorce?
> 
> If she didn't love me I'd say that was the only option but I know she loves me.


Um, do not fall in that trap! I know that one.

My wife could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me then run off and screw some jerk.

Do not underestimate the capacity for someone who does not love you but wants the benefit of your capacity to earn a living.

You are far too young to even consider tolerating what she is doing. 

I'm not suggesting she is cheating. I am suggesting that she doesn't care for you as a husband.

Unless you don't bathe regularly and have changed in some really odd way since marrying, this is on her.

If I were you, I'd want to know what it is.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Actually, it sounds like he is the one who changed the cheese on her - becoming an unattractive doormat after marriage and she is responding to that.
> 
> @ OP ~
> 
> ...


I don't really get how I have become unattractive. I'm in excellent shape, 5'10 168, bench 300 and deadlift 330. I workout twice a week. I understand the "doormat" comment but how does me keeping the house clean make me the "less of a man" nice guy? I just can't stand a dirty house.



magnoliagal said:


> People love whom they serve. She can't love you because she isn't doing anything FOR you. All she does is provide money and health insurance, iron and do a little laundry.
> 
> What's in it for you? How does she show her love to you?
> 
> Or yes enchantment may be right that you are the one that changed. You settled for debt and money plus gave her the pants to wear. That's not attractive.


So what do you recommend I do to make her attracted to me again?

I feel like a lot of good discussions have started but no real answers. I mean here's the scenarios as I see it...

_*Scenario #1*
Man up. Stop cleaning, start demanding sex or threaten divorce. I don't think this will change my sex life and will only cause more problems than what I'm already suffering. It will go from occasional arguments and no sex to a living hell and no sex.

*Scenario #2*
Leave or even file for divorce. Start over and try again but chances are I'll find another woman with a complete other set of problems. For example, I'll find the nymphomaniac clean freak but she'll be dumb as a brick with no earning potential._

Neither one of these scenarios are attractive. I don't want divorce, I am not 100% unhappy in my marriage. All I want is a passionate sex life in addition to the life we have.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If you tolerate your wife not being sexual with you, then your wife will not be sexual with you. It will never change if you tolerate it. She is secretly begging for you to stop tolerating it. A statement of what you will not tolerate is more llikely to lead to her changing then her walking away from the marriage.


:iagree:

This is true of anything that is a boundary for you. If you tolerate a boundary of yours being violated, you have essentially set no boundary at all.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> I don't really get how I have become unattractive. I'm in excellent shape, 5'10 168, bench 300 and deadlift 330. I workout twice a week. I understand the "doormat" comment but how does me keeping the house clean make me the "less of a man" nice guy? I just can't stand a dirty house.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have you changed the way you've acted before you got married, and how you act now? She wants the guy you were before.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You keep saying you don't want divorce but are you willing to live in sexless marriage? She has stated she HATES sex. Those are some pretty strong words coming from a newlywed.

If you are willing to live with that then so be it otherwise time to tell her straight up you didn't sign up to be celebate. Either she agrees to love you they way you deserve or she needs to go. There is no other option.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What does love look like? One who loves another human being will go out of their way to please them, to care for them, to attend to their needs. Take away the ring and the piece of paper and what evidence do you have that you are loved or married?


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It may not have been a hook or an act at all. Don't take all of the woman-bashing comments to heart - you are the only one that truly knows your wife and not all women are cruel, heartless venus flytraps.
> 
> You've only been married a short period of time - the first few years of marriage are often the most hard in terms of adjusting to each other.
> 
> ...


Outside my frustration with our sex life we are generally happy. We take nice vacations and really enjoy having fun together. It's not miserable, it's just a lack of passionate sex. I feel like pulling the plug just over a year in is premature at best and I'm glad you see what I am saying. We are in a transition period but I just want to restore the passion we once had.



Catherine602 said:


> She is too sure of you. She probably thinks that no matter what she does, you are too far in to leave. What ever you do please don't bring kids into to this. You seem to have taken on the role of an abused woman.
> 
> If you think it is bad now, wait until you are married 10yrs with 2 kids. Do you think you can recapture the man you were when you dated and maintain it under all circumstances and for 30 yrs? Why did you commit to a woman with a temper.
> 
> ...


I know all about borderline and other personality disorders. She isn't perfect but I'm not either. The "abused woman" reference seems a little strong to me. I'm concerned about a lack of passion in our relationship - it's not all terrible. I think something has to be bothering her and that's the reason for the temper because I haven't seen an outburst like she had yesterday before. My guess is stress at work and boredom from the fact that her best friend moved away 7 months ago and she has struggled to find new girlfriends. Again, separating only 13 months in seems premature and I think any marriage presents problems. 



Hicks said:


> You have a very high risk in your marriage that she will be unfaithful. Your wife is a sexual person. Even in females, sexual desire cannot be contained without something breaking. She is ripe for a man to come into her life and uncork that sexual desire. You should take what I am saying very seriously and project to what emotions you will feel when your supposed prude wife submits sexually to another man.
> 
> If you tolerate your wife not being sexual with you, then your wife will not be sexual with you. It will never change if you tolerate it. She is secretly begging for you to stop tolerating it. A statement of what you will not tolerate is more llikely to lead to her changing then her walking away from the marriage.


Right I know it can't stay this way and trust me... I don't want it to stay this way. What I'm asking here is how to restore passion and respect without destroying the relationship.



michzz said:


> Um, do not fall in that trap! I know that one.
> 
> My wife could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me then run off and screw some jerk.
> 
> ...


I want to know what it is... I ask her all the time to tell me what is going on, however, she does not handle criticism well. She can be very temperamental when I press about "what's wrong with her."


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> _*Scenario #1*
> Man up. Stop cleaning, start demanding sex or threaten divorce. I don't think this will change my sex life and will only cause more problems than what I'm already suffering. It will go from occasional arguments and no sex to a living hell and no sex.
> 
> *Scenario #2*
> ...


You are a long way off from scenario B. I recommend that you make her understand what a marriage is to you, and give her the choice to participate in your marriage. All the while you are ready, willing and able to meet whatever needs she has. A divorce is only the long term outcome if she herself makes the choice and tells you in words or actions that she will not participate in your marriage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

michzz said:


> Um, do not fall in that trap! I know that one.
> 
> My wife could look me in the eye and tell me she loves me then run off and screw some jerk.
> 
> ...


I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.

As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!

I think that she could just be reacting in a very emotional way to his actions during the first year of the marriage. That doesn't mean it's right, but it'll take actions on both of their parts to right the ship.

He is the one here - he can make the first moves.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Have you changed the way you've acted before you got married, and how you act now? She wants the guy you were before.


I became a Christian less than a month before we got married. By doing so, my life changed drastically but I thought that would help a lot more than it would hurt. For example, a big fight we used to have was she did not like how much I drank alcohol. In becoming a Christian, I stopped doing so and am actually quite happy living a sober hangoverless life. She stopped drinking as well as alcohol is something that I see that we "grew out of."



Hicks said:


> You are a long way off from scenario B. I recommend that you make her understand what a marriage is to you, and give her the choice to participate in your marriage. All the while you are ready, willing and able to meet whatever needs she has. A divorce is only the long term outcome if she herself makes the choice and tells you in words or actions that she will not participate in your marriage.


I appreciate the hope included in this response. I agree that talking things out is a great start but I just don't want a talk to end up into a full blown fight.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> I want to know what it is... I ask her all the time to tell me what is going on, however, she does not handle criticism well. She can be very temperamental when I press about "what's wrong with her."


When you approach her to discuss it, you need to start the sentences with "I", not "you" or "her" otherwise she will take it as a criticism (and who wouldn't?)

Tell her what it is that you want and why - e.g., "I believe that marriage involves a sexual partnership and I would like to have that kind of relationship with you. What can I do to help make that happen?"


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.
> 
> As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!
> 
> ...


Good point. We only know "my side" and her side could be very different. Before we were married we studied the "5 Love Languages" and prior to being married she defined her love languages as physical touch and quality time. Now she hates touch and doesn't care as much about time but she likes words of affirmation and the giving of gifts. My "love language" has not changed as it is physical touch.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The dramatic increase in the number of sexless marriages (predominantly characterized by females with LD) has been described as an epidemic. OP needs to realize he could be 100% perfect and still end up with a LD wife. He could jump through all manner of flaming hoops and dig spurs into her for the rest of his life and still have a LD wife. She says she HATES sex though she knows how important it is to him. Put another way, she HATES intimacy with her husband. What are you gonna do with that?


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> When you approach her to discuss it, you need to start the sentences with "I", not "you" or "her" otherwise she will take it as a criticism (and who wouldn't?)
> 
> Tell her what it is that you want and why - e.g., "I believe that marriage involves a sexual partnership and I would like to have that kind of relationship with you. What can I do to help make that happen?"


I asked this very question last night. What can I do to make it better? The response is always a stern NOTHING. As you can see with my response on the "love languages" it's a very confusing situation.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are afraid of your wife. You are conflict avoidant. Nothing about those things makes you attractive. If you don't restore balance you will be just another sexless miserable guy who thought they could be happy because everything else is good. Then you'll be 40 wishing you weren't such a wimp and feeling even more afraid to rock the boat.

Why does your wife have all the power? Because you let her.

You think this is about sex but it isn't. If you maintain your narrow view you will solve nothing because she has no reason to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> I became a Christian less than a month before we got married. By doing so, my life changed drastically but I thought that would help a lot more than it would hurt. For example, a big fight we used to have was she did not like how much I drank alcohol. In becoming a Christian, I stopped doing so and am actually quite happy living a sober hangoverless life. She stopped drinking as well as alcohol is something that I see that we "grew out of."


As a Christian man, then you know that it is your responsibility to act as the head of your household and create the kind of environment where your wife can flourish in her love and desire for you.

Read through this (don't mind the shocking title - just read through the content) and see if any of it makes sense to you: Frigidity and sexual coldness in normal women: the shocking secret.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> I asked this very question last night. What can I do to make it better? The response is always a stern NOTHING. As you can see with my response on the "love languages" it's a very confusing situation.


It's not confusing at all. And did you come back with "I don't want to live in a sexless marriage".


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The dramatic increase in the number of sexless marriages (predominantly characterized by females with LD) has been described as an epidemic. OP needs to realize he could be 100% perfect and still end up with a LD wife. He could jump through all manner of flaming hoops and dig spurs into her for the rest of his life and still have a LD wife. She says she HATES sex though she knows how important it is to him. Put another way, she HATES intimacy with her husband. What are you gonna do with that?


I am a LD drive wife in comparison to my HD husband. Some of LD in women is biological - your hormones and general state of health, but a lot of it is not biological at all - it is emotional and really is "between your ears".

Until men can start to understand, accept, and work with that about women they will be forever caught in a fantastic spinning wheel of malaise regarding sex. Accept the way that women work and learn how to spur your 'horse' in the right direction.

In many cases, I think that women are being starved of the emotional connection they need with their husbands which makes it very hard for them to respond to them passionately. What you gonna do about that? Well, a husband can start working on how you can meet her needs in a calm, confident, authoritative way.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> It's not confusing at all. And did you come back with "I don't want to live in a sexless marriage".


Her response is always the same, if I don't like it then leave. I know she really doesn't mean this but it is spurs into an argument about how our marriage isn't "sexless" and she is having "plenty of sex" with me even though I obviously hold a different view.



Enchantment said:


> As a Christian man, then you know that it is your responsibility to act as the head of your household and create the kind of environment where your wife can flourish in her love and desire for you.
> 
> Read through this (don't mind the shocking title - just read through the content) and see if any of it makes sense to you: Frigidity and sexual coldness in normal women: the shocking secret.


I think my wife has issues with seeing me as the "head" and sees it more through the eyes of "no one is going to be authoritative over her." She sees it as she "won't put up with it."

I skimmed the threat but I honestly feel I am doing all I can to entice a healthy marriage. I compliment, buy gifts, work around the house, pay the bills, etc. I honestly feel I could not exhort one more ounce of energy in trying to become more attractive to her.

Also to address other issues, I'm not afraid of my wife I just hate conflict. While there may be people that enjoy arguments, I don't. I can't stand fussing and fighting.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Enchantment said:


> I don't agree. It is not all on her. A marriage is a two-way street and there are actions and reactions from both partners that are at play. It is on the BOTH of them.
> 
> As well, we do not have the story from her perspective at all. We see her only through the lens that he has provided for us, and how quick and easy it is for all of us to judge a person that has no voice!
> 
> ...





michzz said:


> Unless you don't bathe regularly and have changed in some really odd way since marrying, this is on her.
> 
> If I were you, I'd want to know what it is.


Like I said, unless he changed in some odd way, it is on her -- she changed!

Sure, the guy can make a move, risk confrontation. But it really is on someone who takes away the joy in life to express why and either fix that or leave.

I have the impression that there is something going on that is unexpressed in this discussion thread and in their relationship


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

She says if you don't like it to leave and you don't believe her. Sorry but you are screwing yourself. Tell her to leave. Now. Pack her bag for her.

If she doesn't mean it she shouldn't say it. You shouldn't interpret it as meaning nothing for her. And you should call her bluff. 

Dude you are done for. And it is your own doing. Either own your wimpiness and get use to no sex or be a man and perhaps salvage a messed up marriage. You are a hostage with a wide open door because you are afraid to challenge her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And you are too afraid of your wife.

She throws a fit at the slightest thing because you will back down. You don't think being conflict avoidant isn't fear based?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> I asked this very question last night. What can I do to make it better? The response is always a stern NOTHING. As you can see with my response on the "love languages" it's a very confusing situation.


This answer is not confusing. She is completely dominating the relationship. Her agenda is the paradigm of the marriage. The agenda in your marriage (created and defined by your wife) is that SEX IS BAD. She laid it out on the table that she does not want sex and your touch creeps her out. So what happens if you touch her? She thinks you are some kind of idiot because she already told you that you touching her creeps her out. You cannot gain her respect by touching her.

Now this paradigm of a marriage (SEX IS BAD) is actually not a defend-able position. You are just not attacking it. You are asking her "what do I have to do to make this better". You are feeding it. You are allowing an idea that has no place in the marriage to have life. Your internal thought process should be what is SHE going to do to make it better. Pretend there was $10,000 sitting on the street and you and some other person walked up to it at the same time. Would you say to him "What do I have to do to get that pile of money?". If you did that he would say, "Nothing" and walk up take the money and walk away. You have to take the pile of money. As it relates to your marriage, you have to change the paradigm to "SEX IS CRITICAL TO A MARRIAGE". She is in the wrong and has to be put on defense. Your position that sex is critical to a marriage is supported by society, all your relatives, all your friend and the Bible. How's that for backup? 

And guess what, she is asserting this paradigm as a test of your manliness. You should spend a few weeks reading this site, marriedmansexlife and other sites like it.


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## privatejohndoe (Jul 5, 2011)

OK I'm going to confront about the statement "I hate sex" and go attempt to have a talk with her. I will take special note of the conversation and respond back with the outcome.

I really do appreciate the different points of view here. From the guys that have encouraged me to "man up" to the girls that have encouraged me to "do my research." Actually, it feels a burden has been lifted on me just discussing it.

I will report back...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

No sex is unacceptable dude. You can't live like that for long without becoming resentful leading to the ultimate conclusion of divorce. At 26 you should be banging your brains out. 

Sex is the glue in a relationship. Without it you are going to fall apart.

If I were you I'd give Tiffany Granath a call.


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## JustJane (Jun 18, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> One thing I failed to mention is that she complains that it hurts her to have sex.


This is the one comment that keeps glaring out at me. If it hurts, then one does begin to hate sex. You hate every touch, which could lead to painful...well you know. 

I was this woman and my poor husband did not react to it correctly. I became the snapping, snarling woman who did not want to be touched and he became the grump, who yelled at me about it all the time. It wasn't pretty. 

All I can say is how I felt. I truly thought something was wrong with me. I was abnormal and he told me this as well. I found out there was nothing wrong with me, but the negative reactions were causing me to not feel sexual. Penetration hurt and thus, my libido declined drastically. I couldn't figure out why he wanted to "do it" when it always hurt me, so I began to hate him for it and hate sex. I truly wish I was mature enough during this period to address what should have been obvious to me. I also wish he was mature enough to work with me patiently. We're trying to get back into the swing of things, but it's a slow process....on his end. I'm raring to go anytime he's ready.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> Her response is always the same, if I don't like it then leave.


It's ok for your wife to make her desire not to have sex grounds for divorce.

But, you fear doing the same thing to her.

This could not be any clearer to your wife. She sees it as clearly as I do. And, it's no more attractive to me then it is to her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

JustJane said:


> This is the one comment that keeps glaring out at me. If it hurts, then one does begin to hate sex. You hate every touch, which could lead to painful...well you know.


If sex hurts your wife, it's still not a proper reactoin to make her husband feel like a creep.

A good wife would be expressing remorse, empathy and working together with her husband in a partnering fashion to find alternate solutions. And, the OP should not tolerate anything else.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

ClipClop said:


> She says if you don't like it to leave and you don't believe her. Sorry but you are screwing yourself. Tell her to leave. Now. Pack her bag for her.
> 
> If she doesn't mean it she shouldn't say it. You shouldn't interpret it as meaning nothing for her. And you should call her bluff.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She tells you that if you don't like it, you can leave, but you believe this woman adores you?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hicks said:


> If sex hurts your wife, it's still not a proper reactoin to make her husband feel like a creep.
> 
> A good wife would be expressing remorse, empathy and working together with her husband in a partnering fashion to find alternate solutions. And, the OP should not tolerate anything else.


And going to a GYN to find out why it hurts and to fix this. AND sharing this information with her husband.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Are you sure there is not a medical issue with her and sex?

Make sure you're approaching her in an open and honest non-confrontational manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Did she incur some injury during the wedding ceremony that suddenly made sex painful, rendering her vagina, her mouth, her breasts, hands, etc, all incapacitated? What other adult functions is she prevented from fulfilling? I see she manages to go to work.


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## JustJane (Jun 18, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If sex hurts your wife, it's still not a proper reactoin to make her husband feel like a creep.
> 
> A good wife would be expressing remorse, empathy and working together with her husband in a partnering fashion to find alternate solutions. And, the OP should not tolerate anything else.


I agree, but you have to also have a husband who is willing to partner with you in an empathetic manner and not make the wife feel like a creep. I only relayed my scenario in the situation as food for thought. 

In my situation, I did try to talk with my husband. I did feel bad about it and still do to this day. He, at that time, responded with belittling me and telling me I was abnormal. It certainly didn't help my sexual self nor my attitude towards him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Must be very painful indeed, as she prefers a divorce to the pain. What man wouldn't dash into a burning building to save his wife? This chick would prefer to lose her husband than inconvenience herself with a 10 minute BJ?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

OP,

Have you ever asked her why she was so sexual with you before marriage and now she is not? There has to be a reason for it, and I don't think it's because you're cooking and cleaning. If you both work, you both should be doing it. I think you sense that there is a lot of resentment on her part about something and the two of you have to figure out what is causing it.

Also, what shift does she work at the hospital? If she works nights and you woke her at 1pm, I can see how that would bother her (not that she should throw a tantrum though). Also, shift work, especially if she swings shifts between nights and days, is really hard on the body and the psyche, and can cause depression and hormonal disruption. Not to mention that nursing is one of the hardest jobs there is-- emotionally and physically and the pay really is not that great for what you have to put up with. I know, I've done it. I finally got my masters in another field just to get out of it.

She is young, and she may have had this fairy tale view of life after marriage. Could it be that reality is just hitting her? Like others have said, there is an adjustment period after marriage.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> Good points and I often wonder about the "power struggle" in our relationship. While we were dating I feel I "wore the pants" in the relationship but once we got married, I feel like a conceded a lot of control. I could always threaten to walk if things weren't going my way but once we got married, joined finances and made large purchases (such as cars and houses together) it got much more difficult. I think a lot of what you said is very true. She is obviously attracted to someone and I have became that "pee-on" she doesn't respect, however, I don't feel like threatening to leave or "flexing my muscle" that I could get other women is conducive to a healthy marriage. I could be the jerk you describe but there has to be a better way to reestablish her respect for me without "blowing the lid off." I don't want a divorce.


No, there is not a better way to establish sex and respect. The therapist route is BS. EVERY other route is beta BS. You lost your rank her eyes. Women are driven by hypergamy. The way she will gain respect, attraction, and love (by the way woman cannot be in love without sexual attraction) for you is be better then her. Or atleast better then what you are now. I am not saying that you should THREATEN to leave or SHOW her that you can get other women if you want to. I think that you SHOULD ACTUALLY leave and SHOULD ACTUALLY pursue and bed other women. You have a good job, good head, on your shoulders and you have proven that you are committed to her and your marriage...but yet... she doesnt love you or repsect you? why is that? Because you have lost your "alpha." There is no way to get it back... without giving into it. The only option you have if you want your wife to want you again is to leave and move on and get your d*ck wet... And when she comes running back to you then you will need to keep some of the "alpha" instead of going back to your old ways. The ONLY way to handle this situation to become a complete slefish, p*ssy hunting dog....I promise that after it is all said and done and all your good faith efforts back fire you will wish that you took my advice... every man, looking back wished they did exactly what I said you should do.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

whammy said:


> No, there is not a better way to establish sex and respect. The therapist route is BS. EVERY other route is beta BS. You lost your rank her eyes. Women are driven by hypergamy. The way she will gain respect, attraction, and love (by the way woman cannot be in love without sexual attraction) for you is for you to be better then her. Or atleast better then what you are now. I am not saying that you should THREATEN to leave or SHOW her that you can get other women if you want to. I think that you SHOULD ACTUALLY leave and SHOULD ACTUALLY pursue and bed other women. You have a good job, good head, on your shoulders and you have proven that you are committed to her and your marriage...but yet... she doesnt love you or repsect you? why is that? Because you have lost your "alpha." There is no way to get it back... without giving into it. The only option you have if you want your wife to want you again is to leave and move on and get your d*ck wet... And when she comes running back to you then you will need to keep some of the "alpha" instead of going back to your old ways. The ONLY way to handle this situation to become a complete slefish, p*ssy hunting dog....I promise that after it is all said and done and all your good faith efforts back fire you will wish that you took my advice... every man, looking back wished they did exactly what I said you should do.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

whammy said:


> The only option you have if you want your wife to want you again is to leave and move on and get your d*ck wet... And when she comes running back to you then you will need to keep some of the "alpha" instead of going back to your old ways. The ONLY way to handle this situation to become a complete slefish, p*ssy hunting dog....I promise that after it is all said and done and all your good faith efforts back fire you will wish that you took my advice... every man, looking back wished they did exactly what I said you should do.


Totally disagree with this! If you want your wife and you do this, you have written your own marriage's death sentence. 

Being "alpha" is not about being a d!ck head. It isn't about game-playing. It's about motivating real positive change within yourself - becoming a confident, authoritative, compassionate man who is in charge of his own thoughts and actions.

Playing games by chasing other women and becoming a dog isn't going to get you anywhere - not with the kind of quality woman you want to be married to, at any rate.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> OK I'm going to confront about the statement "I hate sex" and go attempt to have a talk with her. I will take special note of the conversation and respond back with the outcome.
> 
> I really do appreciate the different points of view here. From the guys that have encouraged me to "man up" to the girls that have encouraged me to "do my research." Actually, it feels a burden has been lifted on me just discussing it.
> 
> I will report back...


Are you sure that your wife is actually wanting to stay married? Is her commitment level as great as yours? The fact she mentions pain during sex, yet does nothing about it seems telling.

It seems as if she's either disgusted with your behavior or is just disgusted with being married. Which one is it?


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Totally disagree with this! If you want your wife and you do this, you have written your own marriage's death sentence.
> 
> Being "alpha" is not about being a d!ck head. It isn't about game-playing. It's about motivating real positive change within yourself - becoming a confident, authoritative, compassionate man who is in charge of his own thoughts and actions.
> 
> Playing games by chasing other women and becoming a dog isn't going to get you anywhere - not with the kind of quality woman you want to be married to, at any rate.


it will get you everywhere. countless examples over thousands of years prove that. I wish could see this guy split in two and one follows your advice and one follows my advice and see with one has a soon to be ex wife that desperately wants him back.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

whammy said:


> it will get you everywhere. countless examples over thousands of years prove that. I wish could see this guy split in two and one follows your advice and one follows my advice and see with one has a soon to be ex wife that desperately wants him back.


He would never have a *happy* wife with your your half. Yah, how do I know that? Maybe because I am a wife, and a happy one at that. And I consider my husband to be a good mix of alpha and some beta when he needs to be.

I KNOW being an alpha "dog" isn't gonna get you the kind of quality wife that you would want for happiness in a long-term marriage. Maybe you can get something from the bottom of the barrel, but why would you settle for that? Why settle for a desperate ex-wife who doesn't really want him back for true love and companionship, but only wants him back because she can't get anything else?

Sorry - I think you need to go back and read some more on what it really means. It doesn't mean treating people like disposable objects that you can manipulate and game. If you treat it like that, you'll soon be "GAME OVER" and find that you didn't really win anything after all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're getting lots of advice, and here's my $0.02...

Your wife won't change because she has no reason to change. It's like going to work, and suddenly realizing that you'll get paid the same whether you work hard or surf the web all day. A person with a strong work ethic will continue to work hard. But some people simply give in to the temptation to simply do the minimum. They'll continue doing the minimum for as long as there's no reason not to do that. And as an FYI, they'll likely resent having to change, unless there's something in it for them.

If your wife doesn't see there's a problem, I don't see many options to effecting a change. And all of them involve conflict. You simply MUST start standing up for yourself and your needs. I'm not saying you have to throw the divorce card on the table first thing, but somehow you have to impress upon her that this is a dealbreaker to you, and keeping things the same is simply not an option. If that means moving out eventually, so be it. But if you make ultimatums, you must be prepared to back them up, or you'll drain off what's left of her respect for you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

privatejohndoe said:


> Her response is always the same, if I don't like it then leave. I know she really doesn't mean this...


Maybe she doesn't mean it because she knows you won't leave. In line with earlier comments, perhaps if you give her a reason to believe you'd leave, she would respond differently. 

-e.p.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I like PBear's advice.

Your wife sounds like she has a very immature and emotionally detached sense of what marriage is. The whole "man up" idea sounds like it would be good for you personally, and really it might be the thing your wife needs to grow up a bit within the marriage as well.

There are a number of posts in this thread that seem to put the blame squarely on your shoulders... don't read it like that, but instead use it to help identify your half and work on fixing that. The rest is up to your wife and what you're willing to tolerate.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Acorn I think you are misinterpreting much of the advice he is being given. It is just being stated that he has the locus of control and may not realize it; that's not blaming him. If you see a person about to make an unforeseen error would advising him how to avoid it be blaming him? 

Most of the post are suggest that he is mistaken in some of his assumption and suggesting what there may be a better course of action. I think the post are emphatic because the pattern is so recognizable. Many men have faced simular problems in their early marital life. They were not aware that they were setting up a pattern that may make things worse over the years. They are passionate to help Private to avoid years of misery. 

Private - The suggestions to divorce comes out of years of similar exprienciences by many of the posters. They are not necessarily wrong but maybe hasty. Unlike the experience of these people, deep patterns have not yet been formed in your situation. Therefore, there is hope. 

You seem to be a good man who loves and is commitment to your wife. That to me is just what it should be. Cutting and running is not a path your are willing to take without trying to fix this. That is a testament to the high caliber of your character. Having revealed that in your subsequent post, the advice needs to be tailored to your values which are not consistent with the disturbing tendency to prematurely throw things away if they don't work. 

Private John - I think what would be consistent with your values would be pull out all of the stops to find out what has happened to your wife. I don't think you can fix this on your own, you need a good MC to help. If she is not willing to go, then you go alone. If you can descrerly get more information on her childhood and relation with her parents, siblings and friends that may help. In addition, find out who her friends are and who she is talking to for advice. 

I know this has been mentioned several times but you must consider that she may be talking about her problems to a male friend. That can lead to an emotional involvement. Please keep an open mind and don't think of the suggestion to investigate all possibilities as assumption on your part that she has done something wrong. 

Your love and commitment to her may obscure factors that you must consider. Think of it as doing all you can to find out how to fix your marriage. The very best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShapeShifter (Jul 5, 2011)

People who do not want to have sex, need to stay single. Unless there is a health reason, spouses need to be sexually available for each other.

My husband and I have an amazing sex life, though I have a slightly higher drive. I would not have married a man who could not satisfy me in bed.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That's right. Don't listen to us bitter types who have dangled on sexless crosses for years hoping a spouse will get his/her head screwed on straight and respond like a human being. Your situation will be different, I'm sure.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> That's right. Don't listen to us bitter types who have dangled on sexless crosses for years hoping a spouse will get his/her head screwed on straight and respond like a human being. Your situation will be different, I'm sure.


Well, you've surely made the choice to stay and continue to have the nails pounded in daily at that point, haven't you? 

After realizing that you cannot change your spouse - only they can change themselves if/when they are good and ready to - if you decide to stay in that situation, don't you need to make peace with it? What good does being bitter do?

If you get to the point of being bitter, then you had best look into getting out, imho. Because at that point, even if your spouse did have a change of heart, all they would be left with is living with a bitter husk of a person. Both people deserve more than that.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Acorn I think you are misinterpreting much of the advice he is being given. It is just being stated that he has the locus of control and may not realize it; that's not blaming him. If you see a person about to make an unforeseen error would advising him how to avoid it be blaming him?


Under normal circumstances, I would agree with you Catherine, but in this case, the change in 13 months between daily enthusiastic intimacy and being told he creeps her out, her becoming lazy to the relationship, etc., is too far fetched for me to believe that this ball started rolling solely because of something he did... contributed to, yes... but responsible for, I can't agree. And there are posters who are implying this.

I think the OP would benefit in knowing that this turn of events was not a change he forced upon his wife, but rather that his wife is forcing upon him. That, combined with what everyone is saying about him having a lot more power than he might think to combat it paints a better picture. Just my .02.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

privatejohndoe said:


> OK so the sex before was all a hook or an act. But now we are in this for the long haul. So it's how do we move forward? Impossible? Just say screw it and file a divorce?
> 
> If she didn't love me I'd say that was the only option but I know she loves me.


If she loved your she'd be the one on this board asking for advice on how to "like sex" so she can be a loving wife.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What do you think of this?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html



privatejohndoe said:


> I do not like discussing my personal life with friends or family members so what better way than to Google an Internet forum and ask random strangers for advice? Here goes...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 13 months and we are a good match. We love one another and are both attractive people with successful careers and are financially stable. I am 26 she is 24 and we live in a nice house and have fun together. We do not have kids... yet of course. Sounds perfect right?
> 
> ...


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> He would never have a *happy* wife with your your half. Yah, how do I know that? Maybe because I am a wife, and a happy one at that. And I consider my husband to be a good mix of alpha and some beta when he needs to be.
> 
> I KNOW being an alpha "dog" isn't gonna get you the kind of quality wife that you would want for happiness in a long-term marriage. Maybe you can get something from the bottom of the barrel, but why would you settle for that? Why settle for a desperate ex-wife who doesn't really want him back for true love and companionship, but only wants him back because she can't get anything else?
> 
> Sorry - I think you need to go back and read some more on what it really means. It doesn't mean treating people like disposable objects that you can manipulate and game. If you treat it like that, you'll soon be "GAME OVER" and find that you didn't really win anything after all.


yes, your right. I am not saying that all husbands should treat their wives like this. But this guy in this situation ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, 100% should do exactly what I am saying. And I dont think he should even want his wife back. But she WILL want him finally, if he does this, and atleast that option will be on the board. Honestly, what if you were his wife. And you treated him like this and thought your husband was creepy and annoying. And he dropped you and walked out. Then you start hearing about how he is painting the town red and getting his stride back. Then 3-4 weeks later you see him at a bar getting cozy with attractive women. How would you feel? I guarantee it would be attraction and regret. And to the happy wife comment... its not like it could possibly get any worse. I personally think he should leave, go get other women and never look back... but in doing so atleast he would have the choice to take back a woman that finally wants, and respects him.

and alpha dogs do not get the bottom of the barrel... they ARE the ones that get the desirable women.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Sounds like she was sexually abused at some point. Do you know if she was?


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Oh nevermind. Sounds like she has vulvadynia, or whowver you spell it.


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## TheNonSexualWife (Aug 15, 2011)

Hi. I'm the "wife" that everyone is bashing on this forum. What my amazing Husband left out is how abusive he was to me during the dating stages of our relationship and how he cheated on me 3 weeks before the wedding and I still married him because my parents had already invested over $25,000 in our upcoming nuptials.

My husband is abusive verbally and physically. While he will say pushing isn't physicial it is. I have had quite a few bruises from him losing his temper when he was drunk and throwing me down. Why just last week he blew up at me and broke my laptop, bruised my nail by slamming the lid down on my hand and tackled me a lineman onto our bedroom floor.

I don't like sex with him because all I can think about is how he cheated on me and it makes me sick to think that a stripper had her mouth around the same **** I married. 

You may ask why did I get married? Well I thought it would get better and didn't want to disappoint my parents.

I am not a sexless freak, I am just not always in the mood like he is. I am a small girl, he has a huge penis and does not seem to care to accomodate me during sex. He is constantly telling me if you ever cheat on me I will leave you, but then says he did not cheat on me. Last time I check a blow job was cheating, and I'd be willing to bet my marriage on it, it was more than just a blow job. But how does he remember he was high on shrooms, cocaine, adderall and drunk on alcohol that evening. 

When I first met him, he was a fairy tale a dream come true. Then he can became verbally abusive, secretive, e-mailing his exes behind my back. He is physically aggressive and I am scared of him. I am scared of the fight that will happen when he reads I have posted here.

I am in absolute shock right now and hurt beyond belief. I am not a monster, I love my husband and am the best wife I can be. When he is complaining about no sex he's complaining that he gets sex for about 4-6 days out of every 2 weeks ( I work 6 days on 8 days off at the hospital) cry me a river. His idea of a lot of sex and my idea is completely different. He's a bold face liar and now I am seeing the true him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So he became a christian one month before he married you. Then a week later he cheated on you. You went ahead with the wedding. Bad idea.

He abuses you and yet you love him, but you will never have sex with him.

Does not sound like a happy marriage to me.

So this happened at his bachelor party? He claims he does not drink any more.

You are having sex with him 2 to 3 times per week?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Umm...interesting. Assuming TheNonSexualWife really is the 'wife'...then we now have the 'other side' of the story. 

I admire the wife for responding. She has not been the only person to go ahead with a wedding despite infidelity. Hindsight is a great thing!

What happens now? Well, I hope the OP knows his wife has posted. I hope she has read all the posts and that he has read hers. Instead of arguing etc on here I hope they both now sit down together, in private and sort their differences. Hopefully they will stay together...but if the differences can't be resolved then divorce sooner rather than later.

Where I 'serve' domestic violence (both physical and mental) is unacceptable and is arrestable...quite rightly too.

On a slightly lighter note, she says that she is small and that he has a 'huge penis'.... So, you guys out there who are hung like a donkey...you aren't always God's gift to the girlies!!!!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

TheNonSexualWife said:


> Hi. I'm the "wife" that everyone is bashing on this forum. What my amazing Husband left out is how abusive he was to me during the dating stages of our relationship and how he cheated on me 3 weeks before the wedding and I still married him because my parents had already invested over $25,000 in our upcoming nuptials.
> 
> My husband is abusive verbally and physically. While he will say pushing isn't physicial it is. I have had quite a few bruises from him losing his temper when he was drunk and throwing me down. Why just last week he blew up at me and broke my laptop, bruised my nail by slamming the lid down on my hand and tackled me a lineman onto our bedroom floor.
> 
> ...


That's the thing about forums, we only get one side of the story.

If he is abusive you should leave. you deserve better then that.

A blow job is cheating. IMO anything sexual with someone else is cheating.


Funny how some people can completely overlook the needs of their spouse, yet wonder why theirs are not met.:scratchhead: or in your case manipulate and abuse and expect for their spouses to throw them a parade.

If he is abusive like you say, one day he will go too far and really hurt you. please don't stay in that situation.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Syrum said:


> That's the thing about forums, we only get one side of the story.
> 
> If he is abusive you should leave. you deserve better then that.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

Maybe she isn't in love with you anymore...


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

Just saw the wifes post...why in the world are you two still married?!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need counseling. Both of you.

What the two of you are currently wrapped up in? 

We call that 'CrazyMaking'. It's extremely unhealthy for your marriage, and both of you individually.

Make a decision like adults. Address the issues in your marriage together, or go your separate ways before all of this becomes much, much, worse.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

sharing

It sounds like she has been traumatized by sex. Women who experience abuse have been traumatized by sex hate it. Have you talk with her about her past and maybe read some educational books on sex. 

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Anybody else wish the op would come on and confirm or deny wether or not this is his wife?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bazinga! Didn't see that one comng.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

I hate to say it, but I think there is some truth to what whammy is saying. It's not politically correct to admit it these days, but I think women want an "alpha male"; we're not turned on by someone whom we see as our equal. We want someone who is going to take charge, who is going to be be dominant and show us that he is into us but do it in an aggressive, assertive manner. There is a fine line between being dominant and being a jerk or a bully. Many women want a man who can straddle that line.

Though I don't think being a jerk to your wife is the answer, there are ways that you can cultivate a more aggressive, assertive persona around the house that will catch your wife's attention. For example, one of the "alpha" things my husband did that turned me on: once, while he was sitting on the couch and I walked in front of him on the way to the kitchen, he told me to stop, in a commanding voice. He just gazed at me and looked me up and down for a few moments, Then he said assertively, "You are so goddamn sexy. come sit on my lap, sweet-t*ts." When I came close to him, instead of waiting for me to sit down he pulled me onto his lap and said "papa wants some sugar." After we made out for a few minutes, he told me, "I'm going to take you upstairs and f*ck your brains out, sweet-t*ts," which he then proceeded to do. I hadn't really been in the mood, but the confident and aggressive way he went about it really turned me on. Try doing something like that and see how she reacts.

*EDIT:* Just read the wife's response. Umm, okay. Never mind then.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She is too sure of you. She probably thinks that no matter what she does, you are too far in to leave. What ever you do please don't bring kids into to this. You seem to have taken on the role of an abused woman. Ignore the bait and switch junk -it will inhibit you ability to solve your problem and have a healthy relationship with her or any women.
> 
> 
> BTW your marriage does not sound good to me it is horrible. You need to become a person who can get a grip on this situation. . Wake up this is your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can and tell yourself you were lucky that it only took 13 months. The way your relationship is NOW is at the peak. From this point IT WILL ONLY BE WORSE.

RUN.


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