# Became addicted to snooping



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I have to admit that after spending 9 years snooping on my stbxw I believe I became addicted to it. It was a way of life, checking up on her Phone accounts, e-mail's (Multiple), Keylogger every single day. 

During our multiple seperations I continued to do this, I knew/know it was wrong but continued to do it. It was torture to the 10th degree, but for some reason I had to know what my wife was up to. I saw so much that she has no idea that I know. I couldn't talk with her about it as I didn't want to give up how I knew. 

I will also admit I had a chance to re-install the keylogger before she moved out but this time I knew it would stunt my healing and I'm so proud to admit that I have no idea what she is up to and didn't re-install the keylogger. It would be a lie if I said I didn't think about what she is up to but those thoughts don't last quite as long. 

This is a huge step for me and thought I would share with everybody here. I still have a hard time when I'm on a computer as my first instinct is to log into webwatcher. 

Anybody else get addicted to snooping?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My wife I believe is addicted to snooping. I recently broke my smartphone cause I am tired of coming home from work and her pouring through my Internet searches. It felt like I was her child. Now I don't carry a phone and the only time I go online is while I am home....which I am positive she investigates daily. 
Snooping is not healthy. There is a big difference between transparency and snooping. I have never done it an I am not interested in starting.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

richie33 said:


> My wife I believe is addicted to snooping. I recently broke my smartphone cause I am tired of coming home from work and her pouring through my Internet searches. It felt like I was her child. Now I don't carry a phone and the only time I go online is while I am home....which I am positive she investigates daily.
> Snooping is not healthy. There is a big difference between transparency and snooping. I have never done it an I am not interested in starting.


My wife gave me plenty of reasons to snoop. I agree, snooping isn't healthy but neither was my marriage (I didn't comprehend at the time)


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

It didnt take me long to stop, but it was hard it can be addictive but it really just means no trust or faith in that person is why you cant stop. I forced myself to uninstalled everything. It was tough but i got a hold of it now. If your not able to ever stop, means you will probably never trust that person again.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You had your reasons. I assume cheating?? But it's not healthy. It's really no way to live. I am on the other side of it. It sucks. I have never cheated on my wife....no EA or PA. 
I really believe she became addicted to it.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

ody360 said:


> It didnt take me long to stop, but it was hard it can be addictive but it really just means no trust or faith in that person is why you cant stop. I forced myself to uninstalled everything. It was tough but i got a hold of it now. If your not able to ever stop, means you will probably never trust that person again.


Hoping to be able to trust a woman again, not sure I will ever give 100% trust though. Time will tell.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

This is the first time I have been involved in snooping and it is not even on my own husband!!! 

I didn't like the idea to begin with as I some how thought it invaded some privacy boundary, now I am ever so much more aware that that boundary does not exist within any marriage or relationship. I will confess this here that now I do actually believe it to be equally important to view your spouses activities on the internet and in the company of others as it shows their real character and if anything I am glad that coming to TAM for help of a sexual nature and then reading a few posts in the CWI forum has opened my eyes to potential for heartache within your marriage.

I also confess that I am keylogging my husbands computers and have linked his iphone to my itunes account so I can see what he gets upto, I am not saying I do not trust my husband but I want to be the first to know and to be able to deal with his actions in a constructive way to stop any infidelity actually occurring or to be able to minimize my own damage and to be able to move on faster knowing everything as it happens and not going through any type of trickle truths or false reconciliations due to not knowing the facts of the dirty deeds, I have never been cheated on as far as I know but I do feel a tad bit paranoid since coming here and reading the tales of some horrific betrayals.

Better to stay ahead of the game rather than being a spectator to your own marriages demise I think.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

No you don't trust him. Your justify your actions by things you read on here? Does your husband know your doing that to him? If not that's unhealthy snooping.


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

I see myself heading down the road to addiction. I am only 5 months post D-day and I can see that it isn't healthy, but I can't stop myself. If it wasn't for my snooping, there wouldn't have been a D-day in the first place.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You had your reasons. I assume cheating?? But it's not healthy. It's really no way to live. I am on the other side of it. It sucks. I have never cheated on my wife....no EA or PA.
> I really believe she became addicted to it.


Yeah, EA's and PA's during the marriage but I would also do this crap while we were seperated. That's what I'm most ashamed of, I knew it wasn't healthy but continued.

I'm sorry your wife does this to you, have you communicated how you feel to her?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I have. I have been pushing to get back into MC. I want to address the issues in a safe place. Throughout this my wife has made me feel like a bad man....which is far from the truth.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

richie33 said:


> No you don't trust him. Your justify your actions by things you read on here? Does your husband know your doing that to him? If not that's unhealthy snooping.


He agreed that us both using the same itunes acc was a good idea, said it was one less thing for him to have to remember a pass word for and if anything I am now, lets just say curios of his conduct to see how he really is.

I have read the threads of people who have been deceived for many years and one slip up by their spouse made them snoop and that snooping revealed far more than they initially thought possible.

Let me ask you this, if your wife was screwing around would you want to know before she came home and gave you HIV? Or do you want to be like so many here who felt it wouldn't happen to them and here they are telling their story?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks for reminding me Burned; time to check my wife's cell phone records.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I will admit Im quite the snooper myself! My WH hates it but I snooped well before he gave me a reason to and now that he has given me plenty of reason he can best believe I'll die a snooper. It isnt healthy but it sure will ease your mind when you dont find anything!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So you don't trust your husband and don't really know him. My gut tells me my wife is not a cheater. The signs point that my wife's not a cheater. You say you trust your husband, that he has never cheated but you come on a forum read other peoples stories and decide that he needs to be snooped on? Sorry but that might backfire on you. He might find that out and be furious with you. Look up the difference between transparency and snooping. What you are up to is snooping.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jules1990 said:


> This is the first time I have been involved in snooping and it is not even on my own husband!!!
> 
> I didn't like the idea to begin with as I some how thought it invaded some privacy boundary, now I am ever so much more aware that that boundary does not exist within any marriage or relationship. I will confess this here that now I do actually believe it to be equally important to view your spouses activities on the internet and in the company of others as it shows their real character and if anything I am glad that coming to TAM for help of a sexual nature and then reading a few posts in the CWI forum has opened my eyes to potential for heartache within your marriage.
> 
> ...


So you have NO REASON to distrust your H, no EA's, PA's, not even any suspicions, yet you have installed a keylogger on his computer? 

How would you feel if you found out he'd been spying on you and has a VAR in your car, a keylogger on your computer? You'd be just fine and dandy with it and say more power to him? You wouldn't feel the least bit PO's that he's monitoring your every move for no reason?

That's a sickness. Checking keyloggers every day for no reason is a waste of your life and keeps you STUCK in a negative mindset that does not leave room for positive relationship development. All that time you spend checking up on him could be time better spent on loving on him.

Also, based on your first sentence, are you spying on someone else who is not your H? You could be breaking laws.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> It isnt healthy but it sure will ease your mind when you dont find anything!


Or change your world forever.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

norajane said:


> So you have NO REASON to distrust your H, no EA's, PA's, not even any suspicions, yet you have installed a keylogger on his computer?
> 
> How would you feel if you found out he'd been spying on you and has a VAR in your car, a keylogger on your computer? You'd be just fine and dandy with it and say more power to him? You wouldn't feel the least bit PO's that he's monitoring your every move for no reason?
> 
> ...


Looking into my own husband is morbid curiosity to see from outside without him feeling scrutinized or being guarded over content of emails/texts.

One thing I will stand up and shout out loud is that no matter what people say, they *never really know* someone else, they can build a perception on them and with transparency they can maybe build a quite accurate picture, but how many threads have you read and not just here about spouses that were completely blind sided by their wayward spouses affairs? I have read a lot from regulars here who seem very balanced and quite ok and when I look up their stories from the beginning there is a lot of shock in their writings and you can see how one slip up brought about an enormous world of pain for them to endure, I would rather be in the loop from day one.

And the bold in you quote is probably quite true, but I would rather be doing wrong by the law to save my brother than to stand by the law and watch my brothers agony at not being able to control his current depression and anxiety and all at the hands of infidelity.

Nora Jane I have a lot of respect for you but on this point you come across a little pompous and self righteous in pushing the law.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Pompous and self-righteous or not, I'm not the one who would be in legal trouble should your sister-in-law figure out you're spying her. It's a felony.

http://www.examiner.com/article/spy...-you-jail-unless-you-do-it-legally-here-s-how

The charges in the case against Leon Walker were later dropped, but only because they learned that his wife had been spying on him, too.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Time to find the will power to move on from cheaters - even if they never actually cheat again they are thinking about someone better than you - they are not committed for the right reasons. When you each have an emotional stake it is hard to break. I had to snoop to know. She had a shot at me once about snooping. I told her I had never snooped in my life before I met her. That's the truth (beyond normal human curiosity that is). Effing liars the lot of them.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Horizon-even if they never actually cheat again they are thinking about someone better than you 
------------

This used to make me sad and angry. Now I know he isn't better than me, I have way to much going for me to think that some d-bag that will have an EA or PA with a married woman will ever compare to me. 

I did have self confidence issues but now I look in the mirror and see a good looking guy that has a ton to offer a woman. When I'm ready, I can't wait to get out there and be loved.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

You r right of course. We sh!t on these scum - but when the WS's are in the "fog" any old piece is akin to meeting God. F**king morons and then they want back in and they still wont put out! 

Tell yah what - working out is tough stuff. My body is aching!


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Horizon said:


> You r right of course. We sh!t on these scum - but when the WS's are in the "fog" any old piece is akin to meeting God. F**king morons and then they want back in and they still wont put out!
> 
> Tell yah what - working out is tough stuff. My body is aching!


I have shut my heart to her. She couldn't get back in with a crow bar. Well said! 

Keep it up man! I have my routine down in the AM and will tell you that it feels great all day! Love the burn.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Been there....done that. It was the only way I could know the extent of the cheating. No one was going to step up and be honest and the only admissions where the one's I could prove. I allowed the marriage to continue for two years with the idea that I was doing it for the kids. The whole time I was on guard and sure enough one day she was back to the old BS. I can remember the feeling in my stomach/heart of checking up. I have to think, that, and the whole experience has taken years off my life. Now with a divorce in process I feel like a ton has been lifted off my shoulders.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Burned said:


> I have to admit that after spending 9 years snooping on my stbxw I believe I became addicted to it. It was a way of life, checking up on her Phone accounts, e-mail's (Multiple), Keylogger every single day.
> 
> During our multiple seperations I continued to do this, I knew/know it was wrong but continued to do it. It was torture to the 10th degree, but for some reason I had to know what my wife was up to. I saw so much that she has no idea that I know. I couldn't talk with her about it as I didn't want to give up how I knew.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I have to admit I snoop a lot on my wife (2nd wife- divorced the betrayer). It's addictive and she works from home and goes to groups meetings with men a lot and she is very fit and attractive. It's not so much her but the guys she meets who want to text and fb... I feel like I am protecting her. Or is that a cheap excuse?


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> Been there....done that. It was the only way I could know the extent of the cheating. No one was going to step up and be honest and the only admissions where the one's I could prove. I allowed the marriage to continue for two years with the idea that I was doing it for the kids. The whole time I was on guard and sure enough one day she was back to the old BS. I can remember the feeling in my stomach/heart of checking up. I have to think, that, and the whole experience has taken years off my life. Now with a divorce in process I feel like a ton has been lifted off my shoulders.


The feeling for me was adrenaline at first then like the like floor went out from under me and everything around me was moving so fast except I was standing still re-reading what I was seeing.


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Yeah, I have to admit I snoop a lot on my wife (2nd wife- divorced the betrayer). It's addictive and she works from home and goes to groups meetings with men a lot and she is very fit and attractive. It's not so much her but the guys she meets who want to text and fb... I feel like I am protecting her. Or is that a cheap excuse?


I don't believe it is, I'm wondering if you can ever get the trust back when you've been betrayed? The deep down trust that I know I had at one time in my marriage albeit 10 years ago, I'm not sure I'll ever get that back.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Burned said:


> I don't believe it is, I'm wondering if you can ever get the trust back when you've been betrayed? The deep down trust that I know I had at one time in my marriage albeit 10 years ago, I'm not sure I'll ever get that back.


As hard as I try, I just can't. It isn't going to happen. That's what my betrayer has done for me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Burned said:


> Hoping to be able to trust a woman again, not sure I will ever give 100% trust though. Time will tell.


Could you point out the main thread in which you describe your case and also where you came to the reality of exactly what was going on with your surviellence.

Was it better or worse than you thought it was?


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Could you point out the main thread in which you describe your case and also where you came to the reality of exactly what was going on with your surviellence.
> 
> Was it better or worse than you thought it was?


I failed miserably from the beginning on how to deal with any EA's or PA's along with R. My story is in my signature. Not sure I had any chance of a successful R in my marriage though as my stbxw just fell out of love with me and I let it happen. 

My first taste of deceit came with "snooping" through the computer and when I say snooping I mean just opening up "my pictures" on the computer and finding naked pictures my wife was sending to OM. It was the worst feeling in the world, I have never felt that way before or since. I'm sure that was the first layer of my heart closing to her and losing all trust I had with her forever.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm there too. We are not even in the same state anymore. It's over. But it became a habit, like morning coffee. I want to tell him to change his passwords but that's impossible to do without letting him know.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> As hard as I try, I just can't. It isn't going to happen. That's what my betrayer has done for me.


Short term gain for long term pain or in some cases long term gain for long term pain. In either case it is always long term pain. 

These f**kers just don't get what they have done. My WS is sitting in the other room doing here nails. I'll be out the door with my daughter in a few minutes for sport so she can have another couple of hours to herself.

I'll come back and she'll have a few drinks on board and not a thing will be said about naked cuddles that was flirtingly touched on earlier today - nothing. I'm about ready to explode.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

Burned said:


> I have to admit that after spending 9 years snooping on my stbxw I believe I became addicted to it. It was a way of life, checking up on her Phone accounts, e-mail's (Multiple), Keylogger every single day.
> 
> During our multiple seperations I continued to do this, I knew/know it was wrong but continued to do it. It was torture to the 10th degree, but for some reason I had to know what my wife was up to. I saw so much that she has no idea that I know. I couldn't talk with her about it as I didn't want to give up how I knew.
> 
> ...


If i wouldn't know that we're talkin about marriage, i would have thought that you're depicting the "Cold War".
In my case, i'm glad that all the snooping is over. Or as Elvis put it Suspicious Mind - Elvis Presley - YouTube


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Blind trust is overrated. Why should you trust your spouse or anyone else 100%? What good does it do for you? I have never and will never trust anyone besides myself 100% without periodic verification. The validity of this stance has been reinforced many times in my life via betrayers, liars, thieves, etc. 

That being said, being addicted to snooping is not healthy for you, so exercise moderation, and stop completely once it no longer matters.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am just a month out from my last d-day and I check stuff on her phone and computer from time to time. But the intensity of the past is gone. The night she came clean she handed me her phone and computer without deleting a thing. The burner phone was gone but had she had it she would have handed it to me. I checked everything and had questions about people and she told me the truth and I was able to verify most of it.

So, yes I will check from time to time forever, but nothing like I did before. I can't say it was addictive for me but certainly a way to prove she was doing wrong.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Given I had 2 DDays (although 2nd DDay involved breaking NC, it wasn't illicit stuff, just talking), I regularly check certain things. I spend 2-3 minutes doing it, maybe every other day. Sometimes I go 4-5 days between checks. It's never more than 5 minutes each time.

It's a complete and total habit. Not so much an addiction because I get no rush from it. Just a habit.

What I don't do, is try to discover new methods - I simply rote-check certain ones and move on. No keyloggers, no VARs.

I've also discovered in the last few months that a couple of my coworkers were talking some smack about me last year. Saw the communications later. And they went about their lives with their fake personas toward me. It was a real eye-opener.

So between that and my W's stuff, I've lost a lot of faith in what people do behind my back. I really don't trust people FULLY anymore. People in my life have demonstrated extreme untrustworthiness. No paranoia here. Just facts. It's a new reality, in which periodic verifications are now necessary.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I wasn't aware there was a need for me to snoop until it was over and I'd been dumped.
Now, I have no need to do it because anybody I date is free to do as they please, just as I do.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I cannot stop either. I check his "secret" email several times a day. Once we split up and move to different places, I will uninstall the key logger because I will not care what he does once we no longer share same house or marriage. 

I can't stand knowing all I know but I need it to hopefully get him to agree on asset splits.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Not trusting anyone fully is just reality for me in dealing with other humans, and I don't really find it stressful or disappointing.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You know what cured me of my need to snoop? I stopped giving a s.h.i.t.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Jeez for several months at work even I had the phone bill up on one screen hidden behind my work and would check it periodically. I had her facebook synced to my phone. I had added all of her email accounts to my phone. I checked the gps constantly. I have backed off of it now. I haven't found anything and I think it a matter of how much you know vs how much you want to know. My wife was dipping her toes into an EA. She was being groomed. I then put and end to it. and was sufficiently happy with the results. I can only imagine if i had found a PA. I know for 100% certain that I love my wife. But if I had found a PA I would be going scorched earth on her. full on 100%. I also think that the system no longer protects marriages. think about it no-fault states. There are no consequences to infidelity. not any more D is now a cash cow for a gold digging wife. IMHO an Affair should exclude a woman from spousal support, and retirement accounts. They can have half of the assets of the household but a man shouldn't have to pay his cheating wife off to leave him.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrK said:


> You know what cured me of my need to snoop? I stopped giving a s.h.i.t.


How much of a difference did it make in your life? You should have one day realized how much time and attention you where giving up to it.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

treyvion said:


> How much of a difference did it make in your life? You should have one day realized how much time and attention you where giving up to it.


That is such a valid point, but I think in a marriage where there is any type of reconciliation it is almost vital in the beginning to prove trustworthiness of the wayward spouse, otherwise you just have to face the facts, divorce or blind trust them that they are not cheating anymore.

Yes the addiction is not healthy but for some they have come to find comfort in the knowledge that their spouse is no longer cheating, counselling would cure the insecurities but then again if their spouse had not cheated their would be no insecurities to cure.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jules1990 said:


> That is such a valid point, but I think in a marriage where there is any type of reconciliation it is almost vital in the beginning to prove trustworthiness of the wayward spouse, otherwise you just have to face the facts, divorce or blind trust them that they are not cheating anymore.
> 
> Yes the addiction is not healthy but for some they have come to find comfort in the knowledge that their spouse is no longer cheating, counselling would cure the insecurities but then again if their spouse had not cheated their would be no insecurities to cure.


It's good if you just peak every once in a blue moon to verify nothings developing and you are confided in what you see.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

badbane said:


> Jeez for several months at work even I had the phone bill up on one screen hidden behind my work and would check it periodically. I had her facebook synced to my phone. I had added all of her email accounts to my phone. I checked the gps constantly. I have backed off of it now. I haven't found anything and I think it a matter of how much you know vs how much you want to know. My wife was dipping her toes into an EA. She was being groomed. I then put and end to it. and was sufficiently happy with the results. I can only imagine if i had found a PA. I know for 100% certain that I love my wife. But if I had found a PA I would be going scorched earth on her. full on 100%. I also think that the system no longer protects marriages. think about it no-fault states. There are no consequences to infidelity. not any more D is now a cash cow for a gold digging wife. *IMHO an Affair should exclude a woman from spousal support, and retirement accounts. They can have half of the assets of the household but a man shouldn't have to pay his cheating wife off to leave him.*




Should be the same for cheating husbands. He stands to get a huge chunk of my retirement. Almost like I have to pay him for cheating on me. A woman should not have to pay her cheating husband either.


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