# MY story



## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

MY story


This is somewhat of what is happening with my life right now and how I am looking for some kind of way to figure this out. I was divorced in 07 and I was given custody of my kids which is unusual when I am the Dad. My ex wife tried to commit suicide while my kids were in the home. I was married to her for 8 years and she has been diagnosed with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality. I suffered many years of abuse and neglect because I stayed with her to long and allowed her to do that to me.


My ex wife came in and out of the children's lives as well as stalked and harassed me until I met my present wife in 09. My ex wife refused to let me go and tried to get me fired and destroy any relationship I could make with someone else. When I met my new wife, she had two children as well who were older than mine. After about 6 months, we decided I would move in her house since I lost my house in the divorce and I was basically going broke being a single Dad and trying to pay for daycare and everything else on my own. 

It was at first a good time and it was all 6 of us, on big happy family. My daughter however did not like my wife and she believed what her mother told her if my daughter could get rid of my new wife my ex wife would move and be with me, My daughter was 7 at that time. So instead of me new wife understanding all the issues with my daughter they began to bump heads and my wife wouldn't back down. I had a hard choice and decided to let me daughter live with her aunt for a time so she could be happy and to keep the peace. 

Later on, my son began to act up when he started kindergarten and exhibited very difficult behaviors. We were working with him and his teacher to help him through this.

Four days after our wedding my son had a rough night in which he was being very difficult. I knew I was getting up set with him and my wife intervened. Of course she was correcting him and this began to upset my son so she took him to the garage to talk to him. I was a few minutes behind when I think my son toppled over her. Now I have no idea. the next morning, he had a nasty purple bruise on his face. It didn't look to bad and we were running late so I let him go to school since he was acting fine and no dilated pupils or nothing. I get a call from CPS, to go to the Police Department. We both get questioned and grilled and I am pushed to give my son to my mother.

See, I was a Juvenile Probation Officer, so when this got to my work I lost my job. My ex wife showed up and then they gave both my kids back to her. I spent a year being dragged through the courts and accused of choosing the protection of my wife over my children as well as my mother no longer speaks to me.

After a year of trying to regain my life and get a job in the area, my wife's parents moved to Washington and we decided that I should try to look for work up there. I have lived up here for three months and still not yet successful for a job and I am living a lifestyle that is not mine nor never will be.


Even before this our sex life has been severely strained even before this began, and I keep wondering how much more I can take in order to be with a person that has cost me so much to stay with. I wonder at times what is the reward for me being with her now? I have let go my resentment yet its always her needs that comes first before mine are validated. If I get upset or address it she is hurt and I am at fault in how we don't have sex and how our marriage is not right. I live 2000 miles away with her parents and I am expected ot get a job up here in hopes when she decides to move up her since her oldest will be a senior next year and she does not want to move her until she graduates. I have no money or friends and family except her parents while she runs around goes to pool bars with people I don't know until 3 AM and I am supposed to be ok with that. She is about to lose her house and that is my fault as well since I could not get a good paying job to replace the one I lost because of that situation. I don't know what to think anymore. Sorry this is so long...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If you love your wife and want a marriage with her, stop worrying about the past and try to make it work in the present.

Keep looking for work. Keep looking for friends. Keep trying to make this place your home. Stop being so resentful and look at the positives a little. You sound really unhappy. I think you should consider counseling/therapy, especially because you're short on roots and friends and a place to fit in there.

You're in transition. Don't give up. Let go of the past and try to figure out how to make things work for you instead of worrying about bailing and giving up.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I wouldnt mind going to marriage counseling with my wife since I feel that would be a good thing. I wish I could go to therapy but I am broke with no job and apart from my wife.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Scott1984 said:


> I wouldnt mind going to marriage counseling with my wife since I feel that would be a good thing. I wish I could go to therapy but I am broke with no job and apart from my wife.


I'd suggest that you get independent counseling before you guys try marriage counseling because it sounds like you need to work through the past that's haunting you. You've had it rough. You need to find a way to put it behind you. 

Are you guys insured? Can you get counseling through insurance? Can you look online for support groups nearby, if no insurance? Meet up dot com for hobbies or friends? 

Stick around on the forum. It's helpful. Maybe only an online community, but it's a way to get some perspective on your situation from others.


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## koolasma (Mar 11, 2012)

4get abt the past.. and think abt the future...  
u'll stay happy


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

So my wife came up to visit me in Washington state after not seeing her for two and half months. I was so excited to see her and my step kids. I had a plan for nice intimate time with her and to enjoy spending time with the kids as well. When I saw her at the airport, I was just so happy to lay my eyes upon her once again. My wife barely looked at me, and just hugged me and just gave me a peck on my check. I tried to get her attention and told her how much I missed and love her and she just barley even reacted. When we got back to the house, I just reasoned she was just tired with jet lag. So, we went to bed together, I tried to sleep but I was so badly wanting to be with her since it had been so long so I just enjoyed holding her and watching her sleep. The next moring when she woke up I was trying to be get close to her and she rolled as far away as she could on the edge of the bed. I asked what was wrong and I was just rubbing her back, she told me nothing but she wouldn't look at me. I asked if she wanted to fool around and she jumped out of bed as if I was a stranger. She got dressed as fast as she could telling me that she wont me intimate until she has her say and we have a talk. I just told her Id be happy to talk to her, just really wanted to be with her since it has been a really long time. Then we begin to argue, then she takes her stuff and leaves my room. I was just devestated, all I wanted was that reconnection, I knew we had alot to talk about but I was just completely hurt.

My wife left with the kids and her parents, I decided not to go I was very hurt and I just couldn't pretend I was happy in such way in how she was acting towards me. When she arrived back she started right in to arguing and accussing me and it just got really bad. I dont know how it started, but she shoved her hand in my chest and I grabbed her arms and escorted her out of the room. I was even more devestated that it escalated this far. The rest of the vacation was me just being so messed up. I told her I wanted to go home, and that I cant be up here anymore. My wife convinced me that It wouldnt be good for me to come back. She ddint sleep with me for the remainder of the time and yet she kept promising she would.

Being lost and confused with no place to go, I called my oldest friend that I know, he got me a plane ticket that day and I am now in Washington DC. My wife has flat out told me she is afraid of me and she doesnt want me back. I know I am partially to blame but all I wanted was to be initmate with my wife and all she wanted to was to argue with me. So, I have basically lost everything, my kids, my job, my reputation, and now my wife doesnt even want me. I have a feeling that she has someone else and that hurts even more. I am in such a mess right now...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is clearly done with the marriage. 

What I don’t get is that you let your children go so that you can be with this woman. Why did you do that? You are their father. They depended on you to protect them and instead you let your wife hurt one child and drive them both off. 

If your children are not in your life right now, it’s your choice. You walked out on them.

You have not lost your children. Just like your ex was able to turn things around and have the children you can do this as well. Move to where your children are and get them back in your life. Get a job and help support them. Work at getting 50% custody. It’s going to take time since you blew it before. Your life will go much better when you have your priorities straight. Your children should be your first priority.


Is there any way you could challenge your job lost and get your job back?


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I doubt it will be possible and your right I should have made my kids one priority. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time standing by my wife and protecting her since I felt she didnt do anything. Now I am not sure what to believe since I never imagined her doing this to me.


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## WaynerMenard (Apr 11, 2012)

I think you should consider counseling


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I know...


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Scott1984 said:


> I have a feeling that she has someone else and that hurts even more. I am in such a mess right now...



From everything you've said, I think she has someone else already, too.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think you need to focus on your bond with your kids. When was the last time you saw them?


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I skype and talk to them once a week sometimes more. I havent seen them in person since last year in December on Christmass.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Scott1984 said:


> I skype and talk to them once a week sometimes more. I havent seen them in person since last year in December on Christmass.


Are you not allowed to see them? :scratchhead:


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I have supervised visitation...


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

Its been almost a month now, my wife no longer wants to have any contact with me and once again all of this is my fault. She keeps telling me I need to let her go and find myself and a job. I dontknow what that means. I still love her so much and I feel very hurt abandonded and broken. She has even been telling people that I forced her to have sex with that weekend which isnt true. She posts on facebook how she neds to get rid of toxic people and I know sheis talking about me. I am at a loss as to what to do or if there is anything I can do.


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## Ittakestwo (Apr 22, 2012)

What a difficult and heart wrenching situation. I don't know that i have any advice but at this point with the things that your new wife has been saying... I would think there would be some major trust issues with her. 

Maybe you can make your children and finding a means of employment your focus for now. Work on taking care of yourself so that you will be the best you ....you can be. That will no doubt come through when opportunties arise for you to be with your children and in getting a job. 

Find something that you enjoy doing and try to plan for that in your life as well. 

None of this will take away your pain but it might give you some motivation to move forward. It is hard to let the past go... I've not been great at doing that myself. But you need to take one day at a time and determine to make 1 good decision and then a next and so forth. Each good decision will bring something positive into your life. 
Your heart will hurt for a time over this but she sounds to me as though she may be the toxic one... to you and your children... 

some things to think about


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## buttersnips (Apr 17, 2012)

Oh my God! You poor guy. What? I know hard it can be to have problems with family and also how painful it is. I've been through 
similar things with my mother trying to control my son.

You must protect and regain your self. Kids come back around after the dust settles.

If this marriage is causing you to live a life that is not worthy, it will 

eventually get to you. 

Stay strong, life can turn around


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

Thanks, I am just trying to process all of this, I keep praying to wake up in my bed with my wife and all 4 of my kids in the house and where I go to my job that I miss as well. Nothing feels right now, no matter where I Am at seems I Am a stranger in thos world. Everything I know is not here and a sense of disconnection is very much how I feel cept the pain and loss of a life that I feel I am not allowed to go back to. The more I try to find myself it seems the more I feel even more lost. 

Oh on top of this last year around this time I nearly lost my Father. He had a motorcycle accident and lost his leg and nearly died. I was already a messed up as to what was going on as well as dealing with trying to keep my father alive and handle eveything while he was in a coma and be there for him. I REALLY dont know how I Am even sane right now honestly...


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and ask if you are telling us the whole story? I must have missed something...why is she scared of you? Why supervised visits? What's her side of the story? What's your ex'wife's side of the story? Are you really the innocent victim (Job, from The Bible, comes to mind) here or is there more to the story? 

I apologize for the blunt-ness and for being crass, but I've had a rough life. I tend to be cynical at times.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I have made some mistakes for sure by choosing broken women and trying to rescue them. By letting my feelings and judgement be clouded and refusing to see the red flags that were popping up in the relationship before I introduced my children to them. Not handling being a single Dad and dealing with a sick ex wife who was mentally unstable. I should have gotten kids and me in some intensive therapy because of all of this. She's scared of me because other men that have treated her in past have clouded her judgement as well as she doesnt want me to come back and start telling people my side of the story. I have had many friends we have in common tell me what she is saying and not believe one word of it becasue they have known me for years. I know I should have never lost my temper and got that upset, I was devestated that I truly became angry towards my wife for the first time after three years and all that other stuff that happened. I think I have been very calm and patient more than some people could have been. Im not trying to justify my actions I Am sure as hell not perfect. I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety, my emotions have been erractic and indecisive as to what the hell to do and where I belong right now. I know that didnt look good for my wife seeing that and raised her alarm about me as well. supervised visits is standard for all CPS cases when they are open and you are on the other side. Even though I had nothing to do with the actual abuse and I was still present.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Scott1984 said:


> I have made some mistakes for sure by choosing broken women and trying to rescue them.


Yes, that is what we excessive caregivers do. We have such a strong desire to be needed that we mistake "_being needed_" for "_being loved_." Indeed, unless a woman desperately needs us, we have trouble feeling that she really loves us. This is why we will walk right past all of those emotionally available women (BORING!) until we find one that desperately needs us, as will be evident in her thinking we are her knight on a white stallion.

This is how we end up with one unstable woman after another. It is not that THEY are hunting us down. Rather, we are hunting for them. To us caregivers, _vulnerability_ -- which BPDers are masters at projecting -- is like "catnip" to us.


> Not handling being a single Dad and dealing with a sick ex wife who was mentally unstable.


That is an extremely difficult situation to handle, even if you had a ton of professional advice. Without the advice, it far far more difficult.


> I should have gotten kids and me in some intensive therapy because of all of this.


Yes, you should have. But stop beating yourself up over a past mistake. You are living, making mistakes, and learning -- just like the rest of us.


> She's scared of me because other men that have treated her in past have clouded her judgement as well as she doesn't want me to come back and start telling people my side of the story.


If your current W is emotionally unstable, it likely is the result of damage to her emotional core during childhood -- not due to a few encounters with adult relationships. If so, the bad things she is saying about her Exes may have no more merit than the trash she is now saying about you. 

My BPDer exW, for example, had me arrested and thrown into jail on a bogus charge that I had been "brutalizing" her (never mind that her sister and our grand daughter were only 20 feet away behind a closed door when the "brutalizing" allegedly happened.


> I have had many friends we have in common tell me what she is saying and not believe one word of it because they have known me for years.


With strangers and courts, however, unstable women can be very persuasive. The reason, if they are BPDers, is that there perception of your intentions becomes severely distorted by their strong emotions. That is, they truly BELIEVE most of the nonsense coming out of their mouths -- making it all the more credible to strangers. On top of that, they will not hesitate to outright lie if they have to (because they are perceiving you to be "the devil").


> I know that didn't look good for my wife seeing that and raised her alarm about me as well.


Scott, it sounds like your W had already decided to divorce while you were in Washington State -- hence, her speech about not wanting you to come back home. Indeed, it was her idea for you to move 2,000 miles away to begin with.

An important issue, I believe, is whether your current W is somewhat emotionally unstable -- like your exW who was diagnosed as having BPD (and bipolar disorder). I therefore suggest you take a look at my discussion of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer. That discussion is in a post in Maybe's thread (about his abusive W) at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Scott.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I dont know if she is unstable but I do know I did not deserve to be treated this way. I am not an abuser, or a drunk and alcoholic. I am still a good man who has been and lost much and yet I was willing to make it work and do the hard work instead of walking away. I still not going to be treated like this and ignored and forgotten up here as she so hopes I will be. I am going to get on my feet, get a job and come back to decide how to deal with her on my terms.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

Last Sunday was my wife's birthday. I tried to be positive and wish her a happy birthday but it was so hard since I am so unhappy I am not there to celebrate that day with her and she showed no inclination that she wished me to be there to celebrate it. This limbo speration crap is killing me and I cant deal with being married yet not being needed nor wanted. Its been 4 months today since we have been physically initmate and now I am even less connected to her now. She tells me she we have a teneous friendship with her right now. I am to the point I just want her completely out of my life so I can actually move forward since she has done so already.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

Today was a horendous day, all I did was sleep and weep all damm day. My wife has severed all communication with me and refueses to acknowledge that I even exsist. It hurt beyond reason and in no way I deserve to be treated as such. I just want a job, my things and a divorce so I can really put myself back together...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to take the move to end the marriage. If you filed for divorce it could be over quickly. It sounds like she is not going to fight you for a divorce. So do it. 

Once you take that step you will have done something, taken an action. You will feel better. The thing that gets us the most down is the feeling of having no control over things. So take control.

Can you move back to where your children live and start rebuilding your relationship with them? That is probably the most important thing you could do for both your children and yourself.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

I agree with EleGirl, Scott. Filing for D will move you ahead and get the bad behind you. And, as Ele says, the most important thing is rebuilding the relationship with your kids.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I Am trying to do so, however my other ex wife smells blood in the water and shes been trying to get back with me. I have to communicate withher since she has my kids now. My present wife removed all pictres of me on her facebook, its as if I am wiped clean from her. She keeps blaming me for losing her home and how our vehicles are being sold so she can get a place and move out of the house. I now have a part time security job here that I am trying to make some money so I Can make a move on what do next like get back down there and file on her. It takes me 4 ours on a bus every day to get to work and go through some rough parts of DC. Someone already tried to mugged me with knife a few weeks ago.

I know I am stupid but I keep hoping she will change her mind and realize we still have a chance to be together. I am utiizing all my resources and people I know in order to get where I need to go. Not to be religious I am just placing my life in God's hands as to where I end up and how all of this works out since I have no clue how it will trun out.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Scott, thanks for giving us an update. I was wondering how you are getting along. It is great news that you have found a part time security job. Having that job will not only give you a source of income but also good references when you are able to seek work near your kids. 

As to your BPDer exW, your decision to resist her efforts to draw you into another toxic relationship is a wise choice. Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't observe that your old DC friend -- the one who promply sent you an airline ticket on hearing of your difficulties out West -- is a good friend. A VERY good friend, indeed. It speaks volumns about your good nature that such a man places such a high value on your friendship.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I have a lot of good friends and they honor me in still being my friend even now. All my friedns who are in my life and saw my wife and me, None of them have yet told me I need to go back to her, not even her parents who loved me as a son and I lived with them for over two months as well. I really think her parents know she is wrong and see what she has done yet they wont stand up and point it out to her either. I have no idea what or how all of this is going to turn out or where I will be. I am just thankful to get home in one piece after working right now...


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

Well folks, Iam going back to Texas. going to reclaim my things, deal with the mess she created and move on with my life. I cant wait to see my kids as well.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Good for you, Scott. You belong near your kids. Best of luck to you.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

My firends here think I am making a terrible mistake in going back due to having to deal with both these women...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Scott, dealing with their BPDer mother (your exW) is even harder on your children, who are vulnerable and ill-prepared to handle unstable BPDer adults. Your exW likely will become more abusive with them when they reach the teen years and start having minds of their own. 

As EleGirl said, your two children therefore should be your #1 priority. Hence, I am hopeful you will return to Texas, remove unstable wife #2 from the children's lives by divorcing her, get a job, and then file for 50% custody. Yes, it will be difficult. But not half as difficult as what your children are already having to deal with being stuck 24/7 with a BPDer mother.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

I am in total agreement and that is EXACTLY what I am going to do.


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## Scott1984 (Mar 19, 2012)

It has been some time since I wrote on here. I am actually doing well and I am living in Houston, Texas. I work part time and I got VA benefits to go back to school. I am working on getting certifications as a physical therapist and school has been amazing for me. I see my kids ever other weekend and I keep the first ex-wife in check no matter how much she begs for me to have me back. Sadly, I am still married to the second, I filed on her on my own but since I could not serve and she refuses to acknowledge the divorce. I have no idea why she prefers this limbo but a lawyer is needed so I will have to save. I have had a few dates and well had a semi relationship that was intimate for a time but just didnt go anywhere. It was nice to be desired and at least know I do have the ability to move one and maybe meet someone someday.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's good to hear that you are doing better. Sounds like you have a lot of good things going on now.

Have you looked into legal aid to see if you can get free or very low cost representation?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Scott, thanks so much for returning to TAM to give us an update. I'm happy to hear that you returned to Houston (where I once lived for several years at Clear Lake) to be near your kids. I agree with EleGirl that you should check out the legal aid program for free or low-cost representation in the divorce and custody matters. Take care, Scott.


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