# Long term success after fixing sex life?



## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Those of you who have turned around a bad sex life, what do you do to keep things going for the long haul?

My wife and I turned things around over the summer and things are still going well. I've read No More Mr Nice Guy and MMSL, and I've been employing those ideas. For those who have done this, does your wife adjust and do you need to change your approach to keep her interested?

For those taking different approaches, what pitfalls have you experienced and what have you done to avoid them and to keep your sex life interesting?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Communication.

First, she communicated to me what her needs were and what I needed to do to meet those needs.

Second, I communicated to her that an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship was needed in the marriage.

Third, I make sure to confirm with her that her needs are being met. Sometimes subtly such as "Did you like cuddling on the couch last night?" (need for non-sexual intimacy) and sometimes right out in the open ("You said your needs were x, y and z. Do you feel I'm meeting those needs?")

Finally, I communicate to her when I feel she isn't meeting my needs. Not with anger but with an aim to resolving the problem.

One note... we both agreed that we will NEVER go back to how we were when we were having problems and divorce is an option when things fail. Neither of us want that.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Communication.
> 
> First, she communicated to me what her needs were and what I needed to do to meet those needs.
> 
> ...


I agree with communicating. My wife and I have been getting much better at this and we've seen a lot of improvements both in and outside of our sex life. 

It seems like communicating is an obvious thing, but we were terrible at it for a long time and the result was a lot of bottled up resentment and misunderstanding. 

I'm surprised at how often my wife describes her view of a situation and it is the opposite of what I expected from her. Those are valuable learning experiences.

We also don't want to go back. Thanks for the input.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> Communication.
> 
> 
> *1.* I make sure to confirm with her that her needs are being met.
> ...


Communicate. Communicate. Commit. 

How to keep and maintain a healthy dynamic.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> Communicate. Communicate. Commit.
> 
> How to keep and maintain a healthy dynamic.


Yes. I'll restate slightly:

Communicate.

Communicate without anger (per Chris Taylor's post).

Commit.


Communicating _calmly _is important. If you come across as angry or irrational, the message sometimes gets lost in the emotion.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

A couple of others:

Keeping up with dating her. Not just the romantic dinner stuff, but fun things like going to a comedy club or the Dave & Buster arcade. Places were we can be two adults rather than parents.

I also take stock in myself every couple of months or so, sort of like giving myself a performance review. Am I doing the things I need to do to be the man I expect myself to be? Am I taking care of my side of the street and taking the lead as necessary? Where have I failed and how can avoid it in the future? What new things can I add to what I do?


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A couple of others:
> 
> Keeping up with dating her. Not just the romantic dinner stuff, but fun things like going to a comedy club or the Dave & Buster arcade. Places were we can be two adults rather than parents.
> 
> I also take stock in myself every couple of months or so, sort of like giving myself a performance review. Am I doing the things I need to do to be the man I expect myself to be? Am I taking care of my side of the street and taking the lead as necessary? Where have I failed and how can avoid it in the future? What new things can I add to what I do?


We've been trying to get better at dating. OK, I've been dropping the ball on this one. I think Dave and Busters would be a blast. I'll put that on a short list of things for a date night.

I like the idea of taking stock every few months. My job operates on a quarterly basis, so maybe I'll also do a quarterly review of myself to coincide with work.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MisterG said:


> We've been trying to get better at dating. OK, I've been dropping the ball on this one. I think Dave and Busters would be a blast. I'll put that on a short list of things for a date night.


I dropped that same ball, but it is critical that you do it. Tell her to arrange a sitter and then plan the rest. Look at the fun stuff you did when you were dating and do some of that. Mini-putt, go karts, playing pool, hiking, whatever. Just do fun things together.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Since your reading you can both read His Needs Her Needs. Explaines the emotional needs of woman and men and how not having them met can lead to an affair. I'd also take the love language test so you each know what you can do to make you spouse best feel loved. 

But basically, treat that woman the way you want to be treated. Most likely the way you treated her when you dated. I also constantly flirt and seduce my wife. Especially when there is no chance of sex. Let her know you want her all the time, not just when your trying to get into her pants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I dropped that same ball, but it is critical that you do it. Tell her to arrange a sitter and then plan the rest. Look at the fun stuff you did when you were dating and do some of that. Mini-putt, go karts, playing pool, hiking, whatever. Just do fun things together.


I've known for a while this is something I need to be more diligent about, but it kept getting put off. Sometimes I find it easier to ignore things when I'm telling myself to do it, but it sinks in better when I hear it from someone else. 

Thanks. I'm going to set up a date night this week or next.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Since your reading you can both read His Needs Her Needs. Explaines the emotional needs of woman and men and how not having them met can lead to an affair. I'd also take the love language test so you each know what you can do to make you spouse best feel loved.
> 
> But basically, treat that woman the way you want to be treated. Most likely the way you treated her when you dated. I also constantly flirt and seduce my wife. Especially when there is no chance of sex. Let her know you want her all the time, not just when your trying to get into her pants.


I'll read _His Needs Her Needs_. I've come to realize how important and complicated a woman's emotions are. It's mind boggling sometimes (at least to me). 

I've heard of the love language test, but I never took it. I'll put that on the list too, and ask my wife to do the same.

I've been flirting with her more. She and I are both fond of "drive-by" flirting, and I've been teasing her more both sexually and non-sexually, much like I used to do when we were dating. These things are all fun again now that we're getting along. Sometimes I notice It's been a while and I've fallen into old habits, but that's become less frequent as I develop new, better habits. 

Thanks for your input.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Just remember, its the things you do outside the bedroom that effect what is going on inside the bedroom the most. I once heard a sex therapist say that fore play should start as soon as you finish making love to her. I do it all the time, but on days I want to make love to my wife I turn up the flirty and suggestive texts, emails and compliments. Or I might leave her a card. One cool thing a friend of mine did was send his wife a text that said "There is going to be some mind blowing sex happening in our bed at 8pm tonite, you might want to be there." 

All these things will make her feel loved constantly and she will be one step closer to wanting to make love to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> One cool thing a friend of mine did was send his wife a text that said "There is going to be some mind blowing sex happening in our bed at 8pm tonite, you might want to be there."


I like that one, I need to remember it.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I loved it too. Not sure I have the nerve to try it and have my wife call my bluff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I loved it too. Not sure I have the nerve to try it and have my wife call my bluff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:

I hadn't thought about her calling my bluff. That would be awkward.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Make a note of what works and what doesn't.

Keep doing what works.

You can't stop. As soon as you stop, it'll go back to what it was before. Realize that and internalize it.


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

MrHappyHat said:


> Make a note of what works and what doesn't.
> 
> Keep doing what works.
> 
> You can't stop. As soon as you stop, it'll go back to what it was before. Realize that and internalize it.


:iagree:

I'm a little worried that the things that work now will get stale. I can't stop being attentive and mixing things up a little when I notice the dynamic getting a little flat.

And I also agree that I need to build new and better habits in place of the old habits. Eventually this will become more natural.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

MisterG said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm a little worried that the things that work now will get stale. I can't stop being attentive and mixing things up a little when I notice the dynamic getting a little flat.
> 
> And I also agree that I need to build new and better habits in place of the old habits. Eventually this will become more natural.


Your exactly right, they will. But it's not like you have to continuely find new stuff. After a while you can rotate back to stuff you have done in the past. I'm basically on the same path you are. Trying to keep things going after getting them going again. I find it a challenge to find new things and new ways of showing my love. I've also been doing a lot of reading which has given me a lot better understanding of my wife and her needs. I'd give anything for her to put the same level of effort in on her side, but at least she is responding positively and not turning me down anymore. I call that a win at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MisterG (Jan 24, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I've also been doing a lot of reading which has given me a lot better understanding of my wife and her needs.


Earlier in this thread you recommended _His Needs, Her Needs_. Anything else that you've found particularly helpful?



Rayloveshiswife said:


> I'd give anything for her to put the same level of effort in on her side


Sometimes the best you can do is lead by example and see where it gets you.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> she is responding positively and not turning me down anymore. I call that a win at least.


That sounds like a big win. A lot of guys (and ladies) on TAM would take that situation in a heartbeat.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> "There is going to be some mind blowing sex happening in our bed at 8pm tonite, you might want to be there."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ok that is really "HOT", that ones a good one fellas!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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