# So someone 'new and hot' is into you....



## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

So after a class reunion, or finding an old friend on Facebook, or after meeting your kid's new baseball team, or joining a new department at the office... suddenly, you're getting attention from some new, attractive person that... GETS you... suddenly, after 12 years of marriage that has turned dull and unattractive... suddenly someone finds YOU... INTERESTING!

My name is Gilded.Bird (lame, I know, I was blanking... haha) and this is totally my story. 

Someone suggested I share my story, so here it is. Caveat: It's not all that interesting... and I didn't cheat after all. But it was thisclose... and I've learned some really good lessons out of all of it, so here it goes... 

I have been working in my very male-dominated, very technical field for over 15 years. These days, I am the boss. I manage a team of 26, all but 2 are men. 

As you can guess, this attracts some attention. 

So for the past 15 years... well... there has been a LOT of opportunity out there. I have been with hubby 12 years (married 7). During those 12 years there has been lots of temptation. By colleagues, by friends, by peers, and even by one of his close family members. But not once was I interested. I am going to admit, I have always been really, really smitten with my hubby. I find him super crazy attractive, really intelligent, funny as hell, and just, well, everything..... 

BUT... 

(there's always a 'but')

THis is MY problem, and not his... my stupidity, and nothing to do with his.... here's the thing. I am nearly 5'10". I have a very distinct look about me. (I had more details about my appearance, but don't want to give myself away... just in case. Paranoia? Maybe). I boss around hard core brainiacs all day and make budget, HR and procurement decisions that affect many. I make presentations, and am very comfortable being at the centre of attention, if need be. I am comfortable taking big decisions. If we met, you'd think I was extremely self-confidant, giggly, full of energy, and afraid of nothing. Total Alpha female.

BUT.... well... sometimes even Mrs. Alpha energy just really really wants to breathe, close her eyes, fall backwards, and let someone else take care of things. 

And Hubby... he's just not that guy. 

And that is not a bad thing. I know most CWIer males favour the whole Alpha thing... and this is not totally irrelevant to my story, but it's not that Hubby was ever NOT an Alpha. He just is an Alpha that is extremely reserved, distant, and in his own world. 

This was nothing new to me when I married him, and it's not a bad thing, and it's not something I couldn't live with. In other words, the problem is with ME, and not due to him lacking in any way.

But then suddenly, I start a new job. And there is a man. Of course. And he's amazingly good looking, but then, so is Hubby. But then he's there, talking to me, sparring with me, challenging me, keeping up with me, which sounds arrogant, and I don't mean it to be, but it feels SO good to talk to someone, strictly about impersonal topics, who can keep up with me. And there is the odd sexual joke, but I've been getting that my entire life, I am sure every woman has, so I just deflect and don't pay much attention. 

But then there was some compliments. And then the comments about being so cute when I blush. And then a little comment about how tough something-or-other is at home (in other words, the seed planted that things aren't great with his wife - poooor him). Then "oh, wow, you've got to stop biting your lip, it's so distracting" (I bite my lip sometimes). Then "I can tell you're stressed, I can read it on your face, tell me, is everything okay? Anything I can do?". etc etc. You get the picture.

I start seeing hard core MALE-WITH-A-CAPITAL-M in this guy. He gets $hit done. Tells me what to do. Takes care of things on my behalf with out my asking him to. Gives strong advice. Has a killer body (haha, yes, it helps). Honestly, he made me feel like a feminine, girly girl. Which... wow. I never feel like that. 

Eventually, everytime we walk into a room together, I physically feel our ....??? energy?? that sounds melodramatic... but whatever was between us, it was super strong and palatable. 

I just ignored it, thinking it was just me finding someone attractive, no biggie, I was sure it was one-sided, me having a harmless crush on some dude. 

But then one afternoon, he texted me and pointed out the energy between us. I tried to laugh it off and replied he was nuts. He said I was stupid for denying it. Said he had been crazy about me for months and was going nuts, and wanted to know every single secret about me, I was amazing and blah blah blah. 

I didn't reply... and immediately started asking Dr. Google "WTF". *sigh* yes, totally nerdy to research $hit like this, I know, but research is my comfort zone.

Dr. Google sent me here. Where I learned a bunch of great stuff. 

So I avoided dude for 4 days while I got my **** together... and finally my text response was to Dude that I didn't think of him that way, we both just found each other fairly attractive, but it was no big deal, just science, and it was not going to be acted on, and that I was smitten and happy with my Husband, and no more texts, please. 

I did tell Husband what happened. Unfortunately, he didn't take it all that seriously. He's been used to my being hit on our entire relationship, and honestly, he does not feel any fear at all that he'd lose me. Which is an entire other story  I don't think he's really grasping, caring or believing that this time was different... this time, a part of me really WANTED it. 

Soooo.. yeah... long winded, but that's why I am a lurker here. 

Will reply in a moment about WHAT I learned since my near-miss... but first, I require a face wash, jammies and possibly a glass of something nice


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Bird: Thank you for your story. Your husband's remarks to you seem fairly typical to me. But I want to stress them for a reason. Many women in your position would be extremely peeved and thus more vulnerable to a relationship with the OM.

You've made it clear what you need from your husband. He's made it clear that he doesn't get it. Yet another case of a husband and a wife speaking totally different languages.

I'm glad you didn't succumb. But I strongly suggest trying to find a way to get through to your husband.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Well so far you handled it pretty damn good with the guy at work. I'm hoping that the other show isn't ready to fall but no the less, you did good.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope you continue to stay away from the player.

He is not half the man that your H is, but I am sure you realize that now. He was using one of the player plans. 

Do you still have to work with him? I would still be very careful. He is not finished.


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

If one looks like a player, sounds like a player, and acts like a player. Must be a player.

Stay away from the player, could ruin your career as well!


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

Alright... so... WHAT I'VE LEARNED 

1. Stop being an arse. Your 'feeeeeeeeeelings' are not the only things that matter in the world, and your 'feeeeeeeeelings' are actually just some lame-ass hormones racing around your system. That person that "gets" you... that is your "SOULMATE"... well... they are willing to put you and your family through the torment and hell of cheating and breaking up. That, by default, does NOT make them your BFF Forever and Ever OMG TRUE LOVE. It, in fact, makes them an a$$hole who does NOT care about you, not REALLY. 

- now, I don't know about every situation, but in my case, no one, not even the hottest Hotty McHotster is going to hold a candle to the history between my Hubby and I. Hotty McHotster can SAY all kinds of wonderful things... but... bills, homework, dirty socks, farting in bed, sick grandparents, sick kids, sick dog, new roof, lost pregnancies, whiny preschooler, nose picking, mouth breathing, whos in charge of cleaning the bathrooms, car payments, mortgage payments, mowing the lawn, shoveling the laneway, baby barf, teenage angst, school age bullying. It's NOT glamorous. It's NOT exciting and sexy and gets you feeling incredible. But it's reality. Can your romance with your OM live through that? I doubt it.

- 5 Languages of Love. Read that. Now. 
I am a verbal person (duh! Clearly, as per these posts, I enjoy words), and when I love someone, I say "I love you". When someone loves me, I expect them to say "I love you". That's my love language. I thought my marriage was in a rut and I felt distant because Hubby didn't say the things I needed to hear. HOWEVER... after I read this book... guess what? That's just simply not his language. I've learned that he won't ever tell me I look pretty or say I am special... but he WILL get up in the middle of the night to get me a drink if he suspects I am needing one. Or go out at 11:00 pm in -40 weather to fill my car with gas if I forgot to. Or bring me a blanket if he catches me reading and cuddling with my kid. That's HIS language. Acts of Service. And guess what, he DOES freaking love me (and he's learned I love him too, even if I suck at remembering to do little things for him. He doesn't understand me waxing poetic about how wonderful I think he is, but he does understand its my language, and that's how I tell him I love him. 

Try this book. It won't put an end to cheating.. but maybe it will help pre-emptively, if you're considering cheating. (there are 5 languages in total, by the way. Um, hence the name... hahah!)

- ok. Ladies, you are not going to like this. *sigh* here goes. For the love of God.... please, please remember that your man was ATTRACTED to you once. Yeah, like, physically. Remember those days? You dressed to look and feel good, maybe that meant makeup and a great outfit, maybe it just meant chapstick and a pony tail...whatever your 'look' was; you had 'a look'. 

Well... just because you're married, and probably a Mom now, does not mean that you get to forget that you were also once his partner, best friend, lover. There is no reason what so ever to let bits grow in, hang out, sag or become untended, just because you're now married or a Mom. I don't care how busy you say you are, how many 'more important' things you say you have to do, how 'depressed' you are, or how tired. Your man is male, and presumably heterosexual and by definition then is attracted to females. Pretty females, most likely. Ones that look happy that they are a female. If you don't want them looking at pretty, happy females that are NOT you... then a good place to start is by being one yourself. 

I am NOT so naive as to think that this is going to solve everything. But isn't it a good, simple, easy place to start? And the BEST thing about it? You are, 100% guaranteed, I PROMISE... going to start feeling better about YOURSELF. True story.

- "Other Men" seem to make a life decision out of being 'other men". I have no experience in "other women" (thank God, so far!) so I can't say, but Dude from work... well, firstly, he was described here on CWI repeatedly, in so many stories, the "OTher Man", they are all identical, so much so that it was embarrassing to realize that at one time I thought that I was his 'only' infatuation. Being 'connected' to other women is his Thing. It's a Thing with some men. It truly is. 

- The rush, the power of the heart-pounding excitement of someone being into you, it's super potent. Be aware of it, I can totally see how someone could get addicted to the rush. I am thankful that I panicked and looked it up first so I could deal with it analytically, because otherwise, WHAM, those happy little chemicals can f-you up, big time. 

Does any one know if the same chemical rush (is it endorphins? I forget) has been synthesized in some drug or another? I don't know much about illicit drugs, but do any of them give the same rush? Hahaha, I swear I am asking out of pure curiosity! :rofl: )

- seriously, don't forget the "Other Man's" family. 

Yes, he's told you how horrible his wife is. He's told you that they have been on the verge of a divorce for years. That they are practically separated. That's she's mean and awful and bites children and eats scorpions and tortures bunnies. 

She doesn't. She's probably perfectly nice. Maybe one of the women I am speaking to above, who's feeling bummed and distant from her husband, who maybe is forgetting to take care of herself. Who feels overwhelmed with 2 kids and a hubby who's not present. Who wishes she could go down south one year, needs a haircut and hates her thighs, but is a really nice woman and has a sweet smile and is lonely. 

She doesn't deserve a husband who wants to leave her... but she REALLY doesn't deserve to be cheated on. 



hmmm there's more, but I am sleepy  hope this will do for now... I'd love to hear more lessons from anyone - ie. What you've learned that you want to tell someone to stop an affair before it starts

 Good night all. Hope I'm not irritatingly talkative for a newby

xo


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> Bird: Thank you for your story. Your husband's remarks to you seem fairly typical to me. But I want to stress them for a reason. Many women in your position would be extremely peeved and thus more vulnerable to a relationship with the OM.
> 
> You've made it clear what you need from your husband. He's made it clear that he doesn't get it. Yet another case of a husband and a wife speaking totally different languages.
> 
> I'm glad you didn't succumb. But I strongly suggest trying to find a way to get through to your husband.



Thanks, Sidney. You know, I don't think he'll ever quite get it. But... well, there is no reason to threaten him with other men to force him to become someone he's not. I can't see that being effective. We have done MC over the years, and it's helped somewhat, but he's awesome despite me wishing he was a little more.... THERE. We TOTALLY speak different languages  (see my 2nd post). I love that you are familiar with the languages! 



6301 said:


> Well so far you handled it pretty damn good with the guy at work. I'm hoping that the other show isn't ready to fall but no the less, you did good.


Thank you  To be honest, it's not going to surprise me to learn he's moved on. In fact, I heard someone mentioning a story about a guy who's wife busted him texting another woman recently... I think it was Dude, after a new woman.



harrybrown said:


> Hope you continue to stay away from the player.
> 
> He is not half the man that your H is, but I am sure you realize that now. He was using one of the player plans.
> 
> Do you still have to work with him? I would still be very careful. He is not finished.


We work in the same enterprise, but no longer in the same department, and don't see each other at all any more. I feel super naive about the whole 'player' thing. THis sounds like I am 15 years old here, but I admit I am like super NOT cool, with no game. hahahah! At one point, I thought Dude was sooooooo...??? COol? Intense? Bahahahah, I feel like a Drew Barrymore movie or something here, cripes! In any cause, he's gone 



Hemingway said:


> If one looks like a player, sounds like a player, and acts like a player. Must be a player.
> 
> Stay away from the player, could ruin your career as well!


Yes, he's out of the picture. I still don't know why him, out of all the other 'opportunities' over the years, why was I only ever tempted with him? Was it because he was a player, and the others were just earnest guys being honest that they were attracted? What's the difference? What makes one a player? So weird.. and so, so stupid of me. 


Thanks for the replies!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Gilded.Bird said:


> Alright... so... WHAT I'VE LEARNED
> 
> 1. Stop being an arse. Your 'feeeeeeeeeelings' are not the only things that matter in the world, and your 'feeeeeeeeelings' are actually just some lame-ass hormones racing around your system. That person that "gets" you... that is your "SOULMATE"... well... they are willing to put you and your family through the torment and hell of cheating and breaking up. That, by default, does NOT make them your BFF Forever and Ever OMG TRUE LOVE. It, in fact, makes them an a$$hole who does NOT care about you, not REALLY.
> 
> ...


I don't normally quote entire posts of this length, but this one is very much worthy.

Well done, and extremely well stated.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

I have to admit that for an experienced barracuda you fell for rather basic stuff.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

adriana said:


> I have to admit that for an experienced barracuda you fell for rather basic stuff.


I think the OP is smarter than most of the hormone crazy women running around out there. All she's saying is while she was tempted, like almost everyone at some point in their life has been, she was intelligent enough to catch herself from making an epic mistake.

I wish more people thought about the repercussions of their actions....


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> suddenly, after 12 years of marriage that has turned dull and unattractive... suddenly someone finds YOU... INTERESTING!
> 
> I am going to admit, I have always been really, really smitten with my hubby. I find him super crazy attractive, really intelligent, funny as hell, and just, well, everything.....
> 
> BUT... (there's always a 'but')


Here's the "but" GB,

"suddenly, after 12 years of marriage that has turned dull and unattractive".


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Gilded.Bird said:


> Alright... so... WHAT I'VE LEARNED
> 
> 'feeeeeeeeeelings'


You a michael savage fan?? as i read your extremely long winded posts (an I mean that lovingly), I could almost hear savages voice when I came across 'feeeeeeeeeelings'


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

What the OP was tempted with sounds a lot like my XWW.

Except, she fell for it... hook, line and sinker.

For you and the sake of your marriage, I hope you're able to see that the grass
isn't always greener on the other side.

And although it may not seem like it, talking about things with
your H is much easier (and far less damaging to everyone) than
having a fling or A on the side.

Good luck.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Gilded.Bird said:


> ...
> I didn't reply... and immediately started asking Dr. Google "WTF". *sigh* yes, totally nerdy to research $hit like this, I know, but research is my comfort zone.
> 
> Dr. Google sent me here. Where I learned a bunch of great stuff.
> ...


:allhail:

Well done!

There are a few things to process though...


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## Hemingway (Jul 19, 2013)

Great that you both read the Five Love Languages. Both know now!


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

Gilded.Bird said:


> - ok. Ladies, you are not going to like this. *sigh* here goes. For the love of God.... please, please remember that your man was ATTRACTED to you once. Yeah, like, physically. Remember those days? You dressed to look and feel good, maybe that meant makeup and a great outfit, maybe it just meant chapstick and a pony tail...whatever your 'look' was; you had 'a look'.
> 
> Well... just because you're married, and probably a Mom now, does not mean that you get to forget that you were also once his partner, best friend, lover. There is no reason what so ever to let bits grow in, hang out, sag or become untended, just because you're now married or a Mom. I don't care how busy you say you are, how many 'more important' things you say you have to do, how 'depressed' you are, or how tired. Your man is male, and presumably heterosexual and by definition then is attracted to females. Pretty females, most likely. Ones that look happy that they are a female. If you don't want them looking at pretty, happy females that are NOT you... then a good place to start is by being one yourself.
> 
> ...


This quote above from your post sounds like it would have been written by a _betrayed husband_ and not an alpha woman 'who almost cheated'. To be honest your writing style and one specific typo in one of your posts seem familiar somehow.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Great post. It doesn't matter how smart or experienced you are. This can happen to anybody.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> This quote above from your post sounds like it would have been written by a _betrayed husband_ and not an alpha woman 'who almost cheated'. To be honest your writing style and one specific typo in one of your posts seem familiar somehow.


The guantlets been thrown down.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Interesting side note....

Most comments suggest women hate when the guy freaks out and gets jealous and possessive during these talks, Then also get upset when they actually don't.

Still some strange, interesting brain patterns going on that I'll never truly understand, being a guy and all....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

adriana said:


> I have to admit that for an experienced barracuda you fell for rather basic stuff.


Well, when you say it THAT way.... 

But you're right. The stories are all nearly the same, it is crazy, isn't it? They all follow the same pattern. Every single one.

Gilded, GOOD FOR YOU for not acting on it. It seriously is one hell of a slippery slope. You are human. You are going to feel attracted to other people, just as your husband is. Being that you work in close proximity to this man, feel commonalities between you too and could talk to him, you elt a connection. It DOES happen. But you smacked this down before anything could go on. My hat's off to you. :smthumbup:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> This quote above from your post sounds like it would have been written by a _betrayed husband_ and not an alpha woman 'who almost cheated'. To be honest your writing style and one specific typo in one of your posts seem familiar somehow.


I'm not sure that it matters, because this scenario is plausible and the advise is good.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Aside from being reserved and laid back, what did your husband DO (or NOT DO) in the marriage that got you to get "this close" to cheating?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure that it matters, because this scenario is plausible and the advise is good.


Agree completely.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, when you say it THAT way....
> 
> But you're right. The stories are all nearly the same, it is crazy, isn't it? They all follow the same pattern. Every single one.



Exactly.... the olé "pre-owned" car salesmanship at its brightest! 

If a dude told me how cute I look when I blush or that things aren't good with his wife, I would burst out laughing. If someone is going to hit on me I expect at least some degree of originality on his part.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

:iagree:

He was "grooming" her for an affair. 

I watched a Boy Scout video when my son wanted to join about pedophilia. It was ghastly how the men would identify the boys they wanted, flatter them, treat them real special, and then gradually make moves on them. All starting innocently enough.

After that vid, my h and I decided that our son didn't need to be in the Boy Scouts. Ick.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> I start seeing hard core MALE-WITH-A-CAPITAL-M in this guy. He gets $hit done. Tells me what to do. Takes care of things on my behalf with out my asking him to. Gives strong advice. Has a killer body (haha, yes, it helps).


"haha, yes it helps"?? I don't get the feeling you aren't particularly concerned with your actions or behavior. Sorry to be the voice of dissent here, but I can't help to notice the tone of your post.



> I did tell Husband what happened. Unfortunately, he didn't take it all that seriously. He's been used to my being hit on our entire relationship, and honestly, he does not feel any fear at all that he'd lose me.


Perhaps he has confidence or that he holds you in high regard and respect that you wouldn't betray him?

What is unfortunate about that? Where you expecting your story of being smitten by another guy to change him and act as you want him to? If so, then guess what? Then he isn't the only one that would have to change from that point on either.




> Which is an entire other story  I don't think he's really grasping, caring or believing that this time was different... this time, a part of me really WANTED it.


Ok, so you tell him and IF he felt threatened or betrayed and started doing everything you want, then what is your responsibility after that, other than not engaging in that type of behavior again? What would you do to make up to him the semi-betrayal you engaged in?




> Will reply in a moment about WHAT I learned since my near-miss... but first, I require a face wash, jammies and possibly a glass of something nice


first laughing about the guy's killer body, and the general tone of your post suggests to me that this is all about you and that your actions were justified simply because it didn't go any further.

Why do I get the feeling you are going to gaslight your husband? You say he isn't taking this seriously. The tone of your post suggest neither are you.

If you truly have good intentions, I can see you could be headed that way, but I am just not getting this laissez-faire attitude about it all. Then again your husband seems to have the same. I guess its not the message you are conveying, its the giddiness in saying it.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> Thank you  To be honest, it's not going to surprise me to learn he's moved on. In fact, I heard someone mentioning a story about a guy who's wife busted him texting another woman recently... I think it was Dude, after a new woman.
> ...
> We work in the same enterprise, but no longer in the same department, and don't see each other at all any more.


File this in the back of you mind ... Dude is a man of poor character. Character matters ... personally and professionally. 

Once in a while we bump into someone we have amazing chemistry with (the limerence you felt was indeed chemical). I've been married over 20 yrs and I have twice met women where strong chemistry was shared. They respected my boundaries as long as I backed them (they weren't hard core players). Can you use this experience to enhance your marriage in some small way? Kindest Regards-


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok, a question since you are disappointed that your H didn't take it seriously. Again, it could be he had faith in you and doesn't worry.

But lets say it went the other direction, because this is how I'd have reacted.

I could deal with things and recognize problems in the marriage and wouldn't be oblivious to certain small problems, which is what you convey they are. It doesn't seem to me your H neglects you, just isn't a take charge kind of guy. To me that isn't reason enough to almost drive the car over the cliff.

So if he had blown up, gotten angry and decided he didn't want to see your face for a while, what then? Would that have been better?

What were you expecting? For him to be beside himself, act like a beaten puppy, and promise he will change to keep you from being smitten by other men? And what exactly is it that he is suppose to change? Because it seems odd that you basically developed a brief emotional affair over your husband simply not being a take charge kind of guy.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

This from OP is a clear caution to H's everywhere, regardless of the circumstances in this particular thread:

_I did tell Husband what happened. Unfortunately, he didn't take it all that seriously. He's been used to my being hit on our entire relationship, and honestly, he does not feel any fear at all that he'd lose me._

Taking your spouse for granted is the one sure way to tee him/her up for an affair.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> This from OP is a clear caution to H's everywhere, regardless of the circumstances in this particular thread:
> 
> _I did tell Husband what happened. Unfortunately, he didn't take it all that seriously. He's been used to my being hit on our entire relationship, and honestly, he does not feel any fear at all that he'd lose me._
> 
> Taking your spouse for granted is the one sure way to tee him/her up for an affair.


But how did he take her for granted? That's the problem I'm having with this situation. From what I gather he isn't neglecting her, he's just not the alpha male she'd like him to be.

I don't see respecting her enough to not worry about whether she will cheat on him as taking her for granted. Hell, most people would love for their partners to be that trusting.

I guess, for the reason you just laid out, this is the reason I am not interested in any more commitments. If I have to walk on eggshells to keep someone from getting giddy over some new hot guy because there is one small aspect of my personality she doesn't like, then no thanks. If that were the case I'd live in fear of being cheated on because I don't put the toilet seat down.


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

Whoo, lots of replies, I am not sure where to start. Sorry if I miss anything. 

1. sorry, yeah, I wrote a lot. I got on a roll 

2. I think I wasn't explaining properly. I was trying to say I might APPEAR to be a barracuda. But that's the thing, I am very much NOT. I do what I have to do for work, but that's not really me at all. 

3. What was wrong with the relationship that I got 'bored' and attracted to someone else? Well, as mentioned several times, it was me, not DH. I just started feeling overwhelmed with the... (??) maleness (?!?) that I always had to feel. Bleah, I am sorry, I don't know how to word it. DH is very, VERY laid back. He says the least amount of words possible. He seldom yells, he seldom gets excited. He is not a 'feeling' kind of guy. Which is sexy as hell, but I also just sort of... I don't know. It was me. I started to want to feel 'girly'... which was probably brought on by mister manly DUDE making me feel that way. Hubby has never called me beautiful, told me I was interesting or special or any mushy **** like that. Which had never been an issue. But I guess Dude was the catalyst to me thinking "waaiiittt... does it ever feel good being made to feel all girly and pretty and special!" 

4. gaslighting hubby - I am not sure how that applies in this context. I suppose if you think that I am not sharing the entire story and that I did actually cheat? I am wondering what would be the point of my posting 'my story' to a group of strangers... and lie? *shrug* I guess it happens, and I guess there is no way to 'prove' I am not... take from it what you will.

5. I sound like someone already on here? hehehe...that's sort of fun. Though, if my spelling 'errors' have to do with words like labour or centre or colour etc.... I am Canadian. So the person I sound like, with the same 'mistakes' are possibly Canadian, or perhaps from the UK? 

6. Me not taking it seriously enough: well, as noted in my first post in another thread, I've been lurking here a long time; this took place nearly a year ago, and yes, I can look back now and laugh at my stupidity and make tongue in cheek jokes about Mr. Dudely Dude being oh-so-desireable... because I am capable of seeing that the entire thing was ridiculously stereotypical and therefore sort of funny, in a dark-humour kind of way. Plus... I totally use lame jokes and stupid humour when I am nervous  I am nervous talking to everyone here. 

7. "Hating if men get jealous, and then being mad if they are not" etc. I don't know about any of that. I don't believe that was part of my discussion. I've never experienced a man being 'too jealous' over me, so I can't comment to that. Not being 'enough jealous'... hm. That's not what I was going for with hubby. I just wanted to tell him that my mind had wandered for a bit, and I was sorry, and it wasn't going to happen again.. and have him acknowledge it, perhaps give me a bit of "grrr". That seems pretty normal, doesn't it? When I say "unfortunately"... I mean, it was just sort of like I told him what I had for lunch that day  Not a big deal, but deep down I did wish he had sort of acknowledged it more. Can't help my feelings, and no point in reading more into it than there is. 

7. Falling for stupid lines. I know. Bleah. Admittedly, they WERE a little more subtle than I am presenting here, for story's sake... but yeah. Stupid, I know. (insert blushing icon)

8. Enhancing marriage? you betcha!!  So the neat outcome of all of this was me 'comparing' Hubby to "DUDE" in a sense (not blatant and awful as it sounds)... and finding twenty million ways how Hubby is the best man in the universe  Of course he has his faults, but I have thousands more faults, and thinking about what I could have lost makes me vomit in my mouth a bit. And every time he quietly grabs my computer plug if he hears the battery beep, or tosses me a hair elastic if my hair is out of control, I TOTALLY don't need to hear him say my blah blah I LOVE YOU YOU"RE AWESOME words. He doesn't need to. We still have problems sometimes, around communication (he's not super strong with it, I go overboard with it) but it's totally workable.

we do things like meet for a lunch date in the middle of the day (we don't work too far from each other) or have picnic in bed dates on a weekend when the kids are in bed. 

Oh!! one more thing... umm.... he has a 'taste' for a certain body part. 

Every day, I take a photo of that (fully clothed!!) body part, and send it to him. It makes him smile, laugh, and turns him on, every day. Ladies, try it! I am not suggesting naked photos - that's asking for trouble. But a nice shot of your cleavage or your butt or something... do it! It's fun, kind of hilarious, and your guy will likely get a kick out of it!!!

okay. Lunch time almost over  Happy Friday, all!


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

vellocet said:


> .....
> I guess, for the reason you just laid out, *this is the reason I am not interested in any more commitments*" ..... " If that were the case I'd live in fear of being cheated on because I don't put the toilet seat down.


Vellocet, I say this with the affection of someone who thinks you're pretty awesome (as per the posts I've read of yours)... 

... you sort of already are living in fear of being cheated on. 

You can't predict how anyone other than yourself is going to react to any circumstance. You just can't. Some women are going to be crazy-ass. Some are nice and mellow. Most fall somewhere in between. 

okay.. maybe most are crazy-ass


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> 3. What was wrong with the relationship that I got 'bored' and attracted to someone else? Well, as mentioned several times, it was me, not DH.


First off let me apologize. I did say you engaged in an emotional affair, but I based that on the tone of the post. It was not after reading a 2nd time.




> Hubby has never called me beautiful, told me I was interesting or special or any mushy **** like that. Which had never been an issue. But I guess Dude was the catalyst to me thinking "waaiiittt... does it ever feel good being made to feel all girly and pretty and special!"


He NEVER has called you beautiful, or at the very least said you looked hot? Even in the early days? That's hard to believe he never did and you ended up with him. Maybe he got comfortable and just doesn't say it anymore?




> 4. gaslighting hubby - I am not sure how that applies in this context.


Only reason I mentioned that is because you were disappointed he didn't react in any other way than he did. As if you possibly wanted him to apologize and change his ways.




> I suppose if you think that I am not sharing the entire story and that I did actually cheat?


No, I don't believe you did. Aside from the posts tone, I don't sense you lied about that.




> 6. Me not taking it seriously enough: well, as noted in my first post in another thread, I've been lurking here a long time; this took place nearly a year ago, and yes, I can look back now and laugh at my stupidity and make tongue in cheek jokes about Mr. Dudely Dude being oh-so-desireable... because I am capable of seeing that the entire thing was ridiculously stereotypical and therefore sort of funny, in a dark-humour kind of way. Plus... I totally use lame jokes and stupid humour when I am nervous  I am nervous talking to everyone here.


Ok, I can now understand that a bit more.




> 8. Enhancing marriage? you betcha!!  So the neat outcome of all of this was me 'comparing' Hubby to "DUDE" in a sense (not blatant and awful as it sounds)... and finding twenty million ways how Hubby is the best man in the universe  Of course he has his faults, but I have thousands more faults, and thinking about what I could have lost makes me vomit in my mouth a bit.


Very good. I think when someone thinks of enhancing marriage with a near miss like yours, or an actual affair is that it gets the betrayed party to act as they other wants.

But you took this in the other direction as a way to see your H for the good man he is instead. Kudos.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I would talk to your husband more and tell him basically what you told us. That you want to feel more girly and let him know how off guard you were about this guy and that you thought it was serious enough that you told him (your husband) about it.
for some reason it is so hard for us guys (some of us) to read between the lines, we just don't see it sometimes.

fully clothed!..... Boo


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> Vellocet, I say this with the affection of someone who thinks you're pretty awesome (as per the posts I've read of yours)...
> 
> ... you sort of already are living in fear of being cheated on.


I know I am. 2 parts to this. I fear it because of all the lousy characters out there, and the flimsy excuses for cheating. Even the best of us out there can be cheated on.

The 2nd part of this is even though I fear it, I don't fear it. I stay away from commitment because I fear it, but I don't fear it because I know I can't be cheated on if I don't have a steady.




> You can't predict how anyone other than yourself is going to react to any circumstance. You just can't.


When it comes to being cheated on, I absolutely can by experience and knowing myself. With me it would be met by anger, followed by a dissolution of the relationship.....IF I were to ever be in a relationship again.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Csquare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> He was "grooming" her for an affair.
> 
> ...


just need to get you H to be the boy scout leader. 

but you look so pretty when your mad!


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Gilded.Bird (OP) great thread. Thank you for sharing your story.

For the BS folks on this forum, this is a great story to remember when your WS is trickle truth(ing) you, giving you the ILYBINILWY, or saying the A just "happened." No A just "happens." 2 people make conscious decisions to share things outside of their marriage that should have only been shared within their marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

convert said:


> I would talk to your husband more and tell him basically what you told us. That you want to feel more girly and let him know how off guard you were about this guy and that you thought it was serious enough that you told him (your husband) about it.
> for some reason it is so hard for us guys (some of us) to read between the lines, we just don't see it sometimes.


:iagree:

Even though this situation is read like a wake-up call for most women, some men might not take it like that. You may think you were screaming out for your husband to do these things by telling him how close to the fire you had been with this coworker but he still doesn't hear your needs. He just felt comforted that you approached him with honesty about the situation and didn't cheat - didn't see more incentive to step up his game.

No subtlety, no hints, no shaming or blaming either as that will put most guys on the defensive. But clearly stating what you need more of from him and giving him examples is a lot more efficient than the former. 

A lot of times women and sometimes men have the attitude that "if I have to ask you/tell you what I want, then it doesn't count." So in turn don't express their needs or do so subtly or in a round-about way. Then they feel resentment towards their spouse for having their needs go unmet for so long. However, that's really unfair on the other spouse. Nobody is capable of reading minds.

It's great that you read the 5 Love Languages. It's a great book and very bang on. That book made me realize how my spouse feels loved and how he demonstrates love and vice versa. Like many couples, our languages are also different in what we prioritize and how we feel loved. 

Recognizing each others' Love Language is only the first step. The second step is learning and making an effort to speak the other's language to the best of your abilities. While you still can express love in your own way, if you really want to fill each others love tanks as much as possible, then you're going to have to use the currency they recognize best more than just once-in-a-while. This goes for you and your husband. Simply knowing will help you recognize that the love exists but it won't carry you the distance if your needs keep going unmet.

Another great book along similar lines as the 5 Love Languages is His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Even though this situation is read like a wake-up call for most women, some men might not take it like that. You may think you were screaming out for your husband to do these things by telling him how close to the fire you had been with this coworker but he still doesn't hear your needs.


I have to agree. I have said before that, in the case of an affair(not OPs situation really), that I can be talked to, will listen to a significant others call for change/help and can change myself to be a better man for her. But it shouldn't be one sided. She would have to ask me what I also need of her.

But once the line is crossed, I will have no interest in that which could have been discussed beforehand.


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

Gilded.Bird, which one of the men would you choose/marry if you were not married to/dating your husband? Think about the answer and its implications.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Impressive. 

I think you should have shut him down when he started saying things like "You're cute when you blush." But you didn't respond to those compliments, and you eventually told him you weren't interested. That is a powerful 1-2 combo. A lot of women don't understand that men, whether they're fishing for a married woman or single, are looking for certain things. 

We're prodding. It's actually very simple math. When we conduct our experiment, if certain conditions are not met, we are convinced that the woman is not into us and we'll move on. So when you didn't respond to his comments, and then told him you weren't interested, those conditions failed to be met. If however you *had* responded to his compliments, he still would have come at you even when you told him you weren't interested.


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

You guys are awesome, intelligent, have great insights and thanks for responding to everything  

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut: First of all - I am DYING to know the story behind your user name  Can you share? As to your question, hubby, hands down. Dude is sexy as hell, I totally admit that. Intelligent and friendly, but that's where it ends. 

Hubby is also sexy as hell, intelligent and friendly AND he's also kind, responsible, honest, faithful, hilarious, a great 'provider' (does that sound too cave-man like? sorry), an incredible father, keeps secrets, gives good advice, is the rock to my emotions. 

I am picturing that scene in Indianna Jones and the Holy Grail... "You chose............ wisely"


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

To everyone asking about my telling hubby my needs; 

I have. I've done it clearly and simply... but I have also done it stupidly, with tears and dramatic wails - hahah. I don't have it in me to be the 'silent sufferer' type - and I agree with every one that you HAVE to vocalize your needs to your partner! None of us are mind readers, unless you're dating Madame Zola!!

So yes, tangent, sorry. I have told him. He knows. And he tries. He simply does not have the capacity to verbalize a lot of things. And I am not out to change him, if being unable to vocalize feelings is a part of who he is, I'll accept that, as long as I know he's at least tried. 

And I've often asked him what he needs from me. (he needs more 'acts of service' - ie. he wishes I'd be a little more domestic. I've, in return, done a bunch of things around the house to help me BE more domestic.) 

So we're doing okay  Neither of us is looking to force the other into changing their essential characters, but we're both willing to try to give the other what they want.


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## Gilded.Bird (Apr 16, 2012)

DarkHoly: I want to pick your brain about players!!

So I've been totally being Mrs. Observant at the office the past year or so... and I've managed to pick out about 4 obvious players... 

I have a million questions. I know there was a thread a while back about being a player... perhaps I'll try to go find it and revive it with all my questions?


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Gilded.Bird said:


> DarkHoly: I want to pick your brain about players!!
> 
> So I've been totally being Mrs. Observant at the office the past year or so... and I've managed to pick out about 4 obvious players...
> 
> I have a million questions. I know there was a thread a while back about being a player... perhaps I'll try to go find it and revive it with all my questions?


You're speaking straight at the source. Ask away.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

I've read the opening post, vaguely scanned the rest and MyrasBoyNuts seems to have this one sussed already...


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## Justbreathe12 (Oct 27, 2013)

davecarter said:


> I've read the opening post, vaguely scanned the rest and MyrasBoyNuts seems to have this one sussed already...


But I like that it has such a rosy ending!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> - 5 Languages of Love. Read that. Now.
> I am a verbal person (duh! Clearly, as per these posts, I enjoy words), and when I love someone, I say "I love you". When someone loves me, I expect them to say "I love you". That's my love language. I thought my marriage was in a rut and I felt distant because Hubby didn't say the things I needed to hear. HOWEVER... after I read this book... guess what? That's just simply not his language. I've learned that he won't ever tell me I look pretty or say I am special... but he WILL get up in the middle of the night to get me a drink if he suspects I am needing one. Or go out at 11:00 pm in -40 weather to fill my car with gas if I forgot to. Or bring me a blanket if he catches me reading and cuddling with my kid. That's HIS language. Acts of Service. And guess what, he DOES freaking love me (and he's learned I love him too, even if I suck at remembering to do little things for him. He doesn't understand me waxing poetic about how wonderful I think he is, but he does understand its my language, and that's how I tell him I love him.


But, you know... If you find the opportunity to talk to him in a non-angry non-confrontational way and read what you wrote above to him, I would not be surprised to find that he will start to say "I love you."

Don't forget, what you feel about him probably mirrors what he feels about you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Gilded.Bird said:


> (Snipped for brevity)
> 3. What was wrong with the relationship that I got 'bored' and attracted to someone else? Well, as mentioned several times, it was me, not DH. I just started feeling overwhelmed with the... (??) maleness (?!?) that I always had to feel. Bleah, I am sorry, I don't know how to word it. DH is very, VERY laid back. He says the least amount of words possible. He seldom yells, he seldom gets excited. He is not a 'feeling' kind of guy. Which is sexy as hell, but I also just sort of... I don't know. It was me. I started to want to feel 'girly'... which was probably brought on by mister manly DUDE making me feel that way. Hubby has never called me beautiful, told me I was interesting or special or any mushy **** like that. Which had never been an issue. But I guess Dude was the catalyst to me thinking "waaiiittt... does it ever feel good being made to feel all girly and pretty and special!"


You are a very smart woman. Men are reading this and do not understand how, for some few women, this sort of thing can lead to marital problems. Not everyone is as perceptive as you are.

For instance: every women, especially married women, need to feel "girly" at times. Why not? And they like to feel loved, desired, and valued. You are smart enough to infer from your husband's actions what he does feel and you are happy with that. But even you'd be happier if your husband took you away for a weekend, called you beautiful and smart, told you that you turn him on, and then showed you by his actions that you turned him on.

Why not, women are entitled to that. Men are entitled to things too, but that's another rant.

How to attain this? We need more publicity. We need the media to "get it" with regard to male-female communication. We need support in the wider society. Here's hoping that it comes.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> Gilded.Bird (OP) great thread. Thank you for sharing your story.
> 
> For the BS folks on this forum, this is a great story to remember when your WS is trickle truth(ing) you, giving you the ILYBINILWY, or saying the A just "happened." No A just "happens." 2 people make conscious decisions to share things outside of their marriage that should have only been shared within their marriage.


All true. Except that sometimes one of the marriage partners isn't paying any attention and hasn't for some years now.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I have to agree. I have said before that, in the case of an affair(not OPs situation really), that I can be talked to, will listen to a significant others call for change/help and can change myself to be a better man for her. But it shouldn't be one sided. She would have to ask me what I also need of her.
> 
> But once the line is crossed, I will have no interest in that which could have been discussed beforehand.


Knowing a partner's language is something that has to be learned in each new partnership. I think that it is only after this has been done that one can hear a partner's call for help. I agree with you that afterward is too late.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Gilded

Sounds like dude was attracted to you, and that you were VERY attracted to dude. How open were you with your H on how much dude turned you on?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Gilded.Bird said:


> So after a class reunion, or finding an old friend on Facebook, or after meeting your kid's new baseball team, or joining a new department at the office... suddenly, you're getting attention from some new, attractive person that... GETS you... suddenly, after 12 years of marriage that has turned dull and unattractive... suddenly someone finds YOU... INTERESTING!
> 
> My name is Gilded.Bird (lame, I know, I was blanking... haha) and this is totally my story.
> 
> ...


Your husband didn't get because you didn't tell him how you told us. You didn't tell him when you were around this guy you were creaming in your jeans and wnated to throw him down and jump his bones. Even worse it irritated you that he didn't read his mind.

The most important thing my professor in 101 English taught me is that the responsibility to get an idea across to his listener is on the speaker. The speaker has all the information to be transmitted, the listener has none. If the message isn't received its the speakers fault totally.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^^:iagree:


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Something isn't jivin' in my head. Agree with above, lol, your husband would not have just shook this off like you state he did had you told him exactly how this went down. I think Chaparral pretty well hit that on the head. There are some missing pieces here for sure. Be careful about all the self back patting you are doing. You seem very eager and too confident about the whole thing.

But that's just how it reads to me and is my opinion only.


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