# My Side of the Story



## SomedayDig

Hi everyone, I'm Regret214's husband. I've been a member for several months at another forum, but seeing that she has posted here, we decided that it'd be a good idea for everyone to read my side of this story. So...here we go.

March 6 was a pretty boring night as alot of them had become. Regret had a late meeting at work and I was home taking care of our kids. I'll never forget my 6 year old daughter sitting on the couch across from me and being sad that Regret wasn't going to be home before she went to bed. She said that she hadn't even seen her at all that day. It really broke my heart.

Around 8:30 that night, Regret got home and gave me the obligatory kiss hello and then she sat down on her couch to watch some television with me. We watched our show and she went upstairs for bed. I had some business things to take care of, so I stayed up a little later. Right before I went upstairs, I shut down my laptop and then remembered I wanted to check my emails for one more thing. Her laptop was on and open so I just decided to use hers. We both use Google, so it was no big deal. As soon as I opened Gmail, I don't know what told me to do it, but something in my head said to scroll through her emails. I had never done that before and have no idea why I was doing it then.

And then I saw it. An email of a receipt for a hotel about 25 miles away. I thought that was odd, because when we had done our "date nights" we usually stayed a few miles away. So, I clicked on it and saw that the date was 3/6. I stared at it for a few minutes. Then, I almost puked. I was not just scared. I was horrified at the prospect. I went up to our room and Regret was fast asleep. I dumped the laptop on her lap and asked, "What the F is this?" She was obviously startled and sat up. She looked at the screen and just said, "I don't know. It must be a mistake." I glared at her and asked, "Then tell me who is ***(the xOM's name)." She stammered some more and it was then, I took my lounge pants off and began to put my jeans on. I didn't even look at her and I said, "You realize what I'm doing, right?" She couldn't answer. (Oddly enough, I had looked at her text messages and saw the xOM and his BW's name there)

I walked downstairs and headed for the front door. My head was swimming. My entire world and everything I knew was crashing down around me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Regret came downstairs and sat on "my" couch (more about that another time). I looked at the front door and then up the stairs to where our children were sleeping. I could barely see through my tears. I was quiet in voice, but extremely harsh in language and I let her have it. It wasn't pretty. I told her to get her phone and bring it to me. I told her to pull the xOM up on her contacts and hand me the phone. I then sent him a text. "Can you call me quick?" He did and I answered and said, "Hi, this is Dig. Wanna tell me what's going on?"

He hung up. I sent him another text and said I figured that's the kind of coward I was dealing with and he'd better call back if he knew what was best for him. He did. Again, when I get angry...like _really_ angry, I don't get loud. I get quiet. It can be disheartening, I'm sure. He begged me to not tell his wife because he had a family. I said, "Well, mother f'er, so do I." I then told him that if he ever tried to contact my wife in any way shape or form that I would kill him. I then asked him if he truly understood what I was saying to him. He said he understood and he'd be a ghost. I then gave him an ultimatum. He could tell his wife or I would. I told him that he had 10 minutes to do so and I hung up.

The rest of the night is a blur to me. I was so hurt. Devastated. Crushed. I decided not to walk out the door and I told Regret that if she wanted me to sleep in our bed that she had better go take a shower. It was past midnight by this time. She did. I woke up at 4am and went downstairs and wrote her a letter about how bad things were. I reminded her how for the past several years she had blamed me for every damn thing that was wrong in our marriage. There was so much hurt that I put into that letter.

A couple days later while we talked about things, I told her that I would be willing to go to MC in an attempt to reconcile our marriage. I wasn't ready to give up _even_ knowing that she had been having this affair for FIVE years.

There was some trickle truth the first couple months. It set me back each and every damn time. I have to say that was probably some of the most difficult times. The "I didn't want to hurt you" crap hurt me more than most of it!! 

Fast forward to today (yeah, you'll get more of my story as we go along). I hate...absolutely _hate_ how we got to this point of openness and honesty in our marriage. However, I'm glad we're here. Feel free to ask any questions you want. I am an open book. I only ask one thing and that is respect. Regret214 IS my wife. We are working on reconciling our marriage. Please do not disrespect my wife while we're here. I think that is a pretty simple request. I'm not saying to cow tow to her. I'm simply asking that words be chosen wisely. She hurt me more than she could ever hurt you, so in essence, I am the only one with the right to bash her.

Thanks. Dig


----------



## Mario Kempes

Welcome, Dig. Sorry you're here but glad you're here too.

Everyone here is rooting for you both, I'm sure. I wish the two of you the very best as you try to put things back together.


----------



## happyman64

Dig,

I just wanted to say how much I respect you for not leaving, grabbing the bull by the horns, putting not only your wife's but the OM's feet to the fire but most of all for coming here to tell us your side of the story.

Many people can learn how to handle a traumatic event like an affair if more BS's were willing to tell their side of the story.

Again thanks for coming here and for using not only your balls but your head during that lousy, life changing event.

Kudos to you Dig.

HM64

PS
It is the 1st 24 hours that are most important and you used them well. Regret214 is a very lucky woman. I hope she understands this. R from a LTA is a very rare gift.....


----------



## SoulStorm

This is my first post on this site, and I would like to say that she doesn't deserve a man like you. What she did was horrible and deplorable.
However, I respect the fact that you love her and want to save your marriage.
In her lifetime..she can never make up for the damage done to you. You are a true man for giving her the chance to.
Good luck to you both


----------



## DawnD

Best of luck to you Dig. I think one of the hardest things that myself and the OW's husband had to deal with was the fact that our spouses were completely willing to destroy not only their own, but each other's marriages and children's lives. That one was the hardest part to swallow. Not only that they would betray you and your family with so little consideration, but that they could destroy the lives of complete strangers at the same time, and not seem to care.


----------



## SomedayDig

Thank you for the warm welcome. We truly feel this is a healing process for both of us and it certainly gives us a way to hopefully help others.

Regarding the xOM. I sent his BW an email on Dday saying who I was and that we needed to talk because her husband and my wife were sleeping together. The next morning I got a reply saying she was going to try to work on her marriage for the sake of her family and for me to please respect that. What I found out just recently is that the xOM intercepted this email and it was actually him who responded. He continued his life of a lie with her.

Until 4/16. A totally out of the blue day. A day that he would never suspect that I would email her. Yet, I am a man of patience and I hate to admit...smart. See, I knew that him being a lawyer that he would pull the whole "I didn't have sexual relations with that woman" kind of crap. Don't forget, I didn't know it was actually him that responded to my email. So, out of the blue I sent an email with a simple header - "I hope..." The body said "he told you how many times they had sex in your spare room and basement. Did he also tell you how many times he asked her to go away with him for the weekend?"

Well, she got that email. And that is when he was booted out of his house. A few weeks later she sent me an email saying he told her they only met at my house and at one hotel. I was shaking when I saw it, but decided enough was enough. I told her everything. Every single detail that Regret had told me. I can only imagine that her hearing that was extremely difficult, but I'm also certain that it solidified her decision in divorcing her WH.

I struggled with guilt for a bit when I was told of the divorce and that it had come about because of my email. It was only a week ago that Regret's and my "friends" decided I was to blame for their divorce and they began to take sides with the xOM and stand beside him.

Needless to say, they are no longer our friends.


----------



## warlock07

BURN THAT WITCH!!!!














Ok, just joking. Welcome to TAM.


----------



## warlock07

> It was only a week ago that Regret's and my "friends" decided I was to blame for their divorce and they began to take sides with the xOM and stand beside him.


I don't understand this. Are they mutual friends ? It can be many things.

Maybe your friends are being lied to ? OM might well have a different version of what happened. Does his version and your wife's version of events match? 

Or maybe it is just the resentment at your wife for lying to them all these years, breaking another guy's marriage while saving hers. He is losing his family so it might be sympathy too.(She lost her friends before the divorce happened, right?)


----------



## TDSC60

Blaming you for telling the truth.
Blaming you for exposing 5 years of lies, deceptions and betrayal.
Screw'em.

I hope Regret fully understands the character of the man she tried her best to force away.

Good luck.


----------



## PHTlump

SomedayDig said:


> It was only a week ago that Regret's and my "friends" decided I was to blame for their divorce and they began to take sides with the xOM and stand beside him.


That's like blaming the doctor who tells you of a terminal disease. If those doctors would just keep their mouths shut, I'm sure everything would turn out fine.


----------



## warlock07

I think their friends actually have resentment for Regret for betraying them and breaking up a family(of the OM) and Somedig being her H and supporter, sided with her.

I don't think they blame Somedig as much for the break down of OM's marriage. Just like some posters on TAM who don't want their So's socializing with cheaters, they excluded the cheating friend from their circle for betraying them. Some friends support couple through R after and affair, some just avoid the cheater altogether. 

The aftermath of an affair.


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> I don't understand this. Are they mutual friends ? It can be many things.
> 
> Maybe your friends are being lied to ? OM might well have a different version of what happened. Does his version and your wife's version of events match?
> 
> Or maybe it is just the resentment at your wife for lying to them all these years, breaking another guy's marriage while saving hers. He is losing his family so it might be sympathy too.(She lost her friends before the divorce happened, right?)


I can try to clarify. I met Regret 13 years ago. These were friends that she had we called "the gang". We were all pretty tight. BUT...the xOM was never a part of the gang. He and his wife were friends with one of them I named Paul over on another forum. The xOM and Paul went to college together and have been best buddies ever since.

I have no idea what the xOM has told the gang but I can say this: In an email from Paul to me he claimed that I only had Regret's side of the story and that I used that to break up the xOM's marriage. Well, here's the thing...why in the HELL would Regret make it out to be worse than it was?! It doesn't make sense. If they screwed in my basement and his basement, but he won't admit to doing it in their house - why on God's earth would Regret say it was both? It is illogical. It doesn't pass the common sense test. He continues to maintain his innocence that they didn't screw at his house. Well, ummm, I can tell you the last 3 times it wasn't my house because I was here and she was there. I was watching the kids while she went "shopping". Trust me...going shopping now has a totally different connotation for me especially if she wants to go shopping at BJ's!! :rofl: (Sorry...I like a bit of levity in my life) 

I honestly believe the gang has chosen his side because they feel sorry for him. And they feel sorry for him because he is a slick attorney and his life is about spin. That's what he's been taught to do and he obviously does it quite well.

Regret and I didn't lose our friends until just last week. She sent an email about them choosing to take his side and how sad she was that they threw me under the bus by saying I was to blame for his divorce.


----------



## SomedayDig

TDSC60 said:


> Blaming you for telling the truth.
> Blaming you for exposing 5 years of lies, deceptions and betrayal.
> Screw'em.
> 
> I hope Regret fully understands the character of the man she tried her best to force away.
> 
> Good luck.


She honestly tells me every day.

I've learned that they don't deserve me as a friend. Period.


----------



## not who i used to be

Wow. I am very sorry that this happened to you. Thanks for sharing. 

I am especially PROUD of you for the way you handled the om. I love the boldness "Well, mother f'er, so do I." I then told him that if he ever tried to contact my wife in any way shape or form that I would kill him."

Good luck with the r.


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> I think their friends actually have resentment for Regret for betraying them and breaking up a family(of the OM) and OP being her H and supporter, sided with her.
> 
> I don't think they blame him as much.


Actually, their resentment is quite pointedly at me right now. I'm to blame for him living in a hotel during the week and his kids not seeing him and crying that he's not there and all kinds of crap. I know this because this is what was emailed to everyone in the gang. It's right there in black and white.


----------



## mahike

Dig I am sorry you are both here but glad all the same. The trickle truth is the worst part of this just keeps that wound open. I will keep you both in my prayers for your R


----------



## SomedayDig

not who i used to be said:


> Wow. I am very sorry that this happened to you. Thanks for sharing.
> 
> I am especially PROUD of you for the way you handled the om. I love the boldness "Well, mother f'er, so do I." I then told him that if he ever tried to contact my wife in any way shape or form that I would kill him."
> 
> Good luck with the r.


Thank you.

Yeah, anyone who knows me knows it was not an empty threat. I think that was certainly brought to his attention by the people in the gang we used to hang with. I'm the nicest guy in the world. Until you f with me. Then I can be not such a nice guy.


----------



## 2ndchanc81370

I would like to commend you Dig for staying and giving your marriage another chance. 

Although I am NOT agreeing with the infidelity act, I truly believe that we are all human beings. We have our weak moments and anyone -- whether you are the husband or the wife, is susceptible to cheat in a relationship. To be able to look past your pain and decide to work on your relationship is definitely commendable.

Good luck to you both. I believe this experience reminds you to appreciate each other more, value each words utter, and to give importance to every little act of kindness and love.


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> Actually, their resentment is quite pointedly at me right now. I'm to blame for him living in a hotel during the week and his kids not seeing him and crying that he's not there and all kinds of crap. I know this because this is what was emailed to everyone in the gang. It's right there in black and white.


I would hope that regret would correct them and inform them it was because she and the OM chose to engage in an affair that caused this all. You were merely the one to unravel all his lies to his wife.


----------



## SomedayDig

mahike said:


> Dig I am sorry you are both here but glad all the same. The trickle truth is the worst part of this just keeps that wound open. I will keep you both in my prayers for your R


Thanks, man. We certainly appreciate prayers like that.

To an WS on here, let me re-state just like mahike did: Trickle Truth will abso-f'ng-lutely kill your chances of reconciliation. Do not ever...EVER think that you are trying to save your BS's feelings. All you're doing is trying to save your ass.


----------



## SomedayDig

DawnD said:


> I would hope that regret would correct them and inform them it was because she and the OM chose to engage in an affair that caused this all. You were merely the one to unravel all his lies to his wife.


Oh, she tried to get that point across, but you may as well try to tell them that the earth is flat. It totally fell on deaf ears as they're so bound to the xOM.

It's an odd thing going on in that little subdivision where the gang lives (we live about a mile away outside the subdivision). They are all about their social status. The xOM being a wealthy attorney with a huge family name in the state...well, I'm sure that brings them a bit of "prestige" that they seek. I'm a pretty simple guy. The prestige I look for is that my wife and kids love me and my business associates respect me.


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> I'm a pretty simple guy. The prestige I look for is that my wife and kids love me and my business associates respect me.


 Honestly, that is the best way to be. I keep very few friends in my circle, mainly because I don't trust a lot of people. The few friends we keep and who know the most about us have been in our lives for years before the affair my H had, and years after


----------



## MattMatt

SoulStorm said:


> This is my first post on this site, and I would like to say that she doesn't deserve a man like you. What she did was horrible and deplorable.
> However, I respect the fact that you love her and want to save your marriage.
> In her lifetime..she can never make up for the damage done to you. You are a true man for giving her the chance to.
> Good luck to you both


Even good people can do really daft, hurtful things, SoulStorm. The best of us can slip...


----------



## Shaggy

Hopefully the xOMs wife will take most of his money in the divorce.

As fir your kids have you had them DNA tested?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

Shaggy said:


> Hopefully the xOMs wife will take most of his money in the divorce.
> 
> As fir your kids have you had them DNA tested?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate to admit it, but I was elated when I heard she left him. AND I truly hope she takes him for every f'ng thing he's got. Not just because he's the xOM, but because he is a true scumbag who got caught...felt entitled to live a lie and lost.

My kids are most definitely mine simply by looking at them. They were conceived well before any kind of marital issues arose, so I honestly don't feel a need for a DNA test. I did ask Regret when this all happened if they were mine and I just looked at her again with this comment.

My kids are most definitely my kids


----------



## warlock07

SomedayDig said:


> Oh, she tried to get that point across, but you may as well try to tell them that the earth is flat. It totally fell on deaf ears as they're so bound to the xOM.
> 
> It's an odd thing going on in that little subdivision where the gang lives (we live about a mile away outside the subdivision). They are all about their social status. The xOM being a wealthy attorney with a huge family name in the state...well, I'm sure that brings them a bit of "prestige" that they seek. I'm a pretty simple guy. The prestige I look for is that my wife and kids love me and my business associates respect me.


Let us think rationally here. I am just saying this from a neutral perspective. See what you can take from it. 

Maybe you are right but consider this perspective. You guys had them for friends for so many years. Do you really think they would betray you just for a little prestige on the side? They did not become materialistic over night. And that too the whole group. I think your explanation is your own understanding of their behavior and to some part justification of the situation.(I mean this in a good way, just like a jaded artists saying that the industry is corrupted) 

Also, your wife doing the talking is a bad idea. The total group are hurt and angry at her betrayal. Like I said, she still has her family but the OM lost his. So to them, OM is the only who lost anything while she is happy with her H reconciling.


----------



## MattMatt

Boy. Five years? My wife's affair lasted about a month or so. That felt long enough, to me.

We reconciled, but due to a bit of rugsweeping, it caused me to start drinking too much and fall or sleepwalk into a half-arsed revenge affair a couple of years later.

Then we seriously reconciled, and that was about 15 years ago.


----------



## SomedayDig

Well, that's their perception Warlock: That Regret has gotten such an easy pass and the xOM is devastated. They most certainly aren't here each night that I've held her feet to the fire.

As for them being materialistic overnight...no ~ they've been that way since I've been around. Having to outdo each other on a yearly basis as to what new stuff they put in their yards or the cars they drive and countless other things. It's why they ALL live in the same subdivision. We've always been the outsiders in that respect. Hell, even as a private jet pilot making a lot of money, I still drive the same 2003 car and my only "luxury" is my Harley.


----------



## SoulStorm

MattMatt said:


> Even good people can do really daft, hurtful things, SoulStorm. The best of us can slip...


I know MattMatt,
It's just a shame when that slip leads to the destruction of families.


----------



## DawnD

Dig -- how long ago was DDay?? I don't know that I have seen it on here, I apologize if you already answered it


----------



## SomedayDig

DawnD said:


> Dig -- how long ago was DDay?? I don't know that I have seen it on here, I apologize if you already answered it


It was March 6th.


----------



## cabin fever

man I remember that feeling after I caught mine. I hope I never have to witness that again. 

My ww had a similar fling, but it only lasted 6 months. I totally feel your pain, and am glad to hear you guys are well on your way to a better a life. 

You definitly sound like better person then the rest of the "gang" and its probably the best thing for you to get away from them. 

Good luck and I truly hope everything works out for you 2.


----------



## DawnD

So you are about 4 months out?? How are YOU doing? Any triggers that you can pin point yet?


----------



## warlock07

SomedayDig said:


> I can try to clarify. I met Regret 13 years ago. These were friends that she had we called "the gang". We were all pretty tight. BUT...the xOM was never a part of the gang. He and his wife were friends with one of them I named Paul over on another forum. The xOM and Paul went to college together and have been best buddies ever since.
> 
> I have no idea what the xOM has told the gang but I can say this: In an email from Paul to me he claimed that I only had Regret's side of the story and that I used that to break up the xOM's marriage. Well, here's the thing...why in the HELL would Regret make it out to be worse than it was?! It doesn't make sense. If they screwed in my basement and his basement, but he won't admit to doing it in their house - why on God's earth would Regret say it was both? It is illogical. It doesn't pass the common sense test. He continues to maintain his innocence that they didn't screw at his house. Well, ummm, I can tell you the last 3 times it wasn't my house because I was here and she was there. I was watching the kids while she went "shopping". Trust me...going shopping now has a totally different connotation for me especially if she wants to go shopping at BJ's!! :rofl: (Sorry...I like a bit of levity in my life)
> 
> I honestly believe the gang has chosen his side because they feel sorry for him. And they feel sorry for him because he is a slick attorney and his life is about spin. That's what he's been taught to do and he obviously does it quite well.
> 
> Regret and I didn't lose our friends until just last week. She sent an email about them choosing to take his side and how sad she was that they threw me under the bus by saying I was to blame for his divorce.



I think you and your friends should meet up one final time in person to resolve all the issues. You should clarify why you did what you did. If the issues still remain the same, you should walk away from them. TBH, Paul makes a fair point even if your wife isn't lying. Perspective is how we live our lives and we often justify what we did in the aftermath. The emotions are running a little high and communication over the mail isn't the best. Misunderstanding are easy in this situation.

I do have a much worse scenario in my mind but let us not go there.


----------



## SomedayDig

DawnD said:


> So you are about 4 months out?? How are YOU doing? Any triggers that you can pin point yet?


Yep, 4 months out and I'm doing okay. I'm not great. I'm sometimes not even good. I am however happy that Regret and I talk honestly about everything in our lives and don't fear hearing tough things.

Triggers...yeah, I have a few. One is driving past the hotels where they met. Unfortunately, I can't avoid them - trust me, I've tried to find ways for them to not be in sight, but this is kind of a "small town" type area. Another trigger for me are probably silly to some, but they mean a LOT to me. Texting each other, Regret used to say "On my way" when she was leaving work or wherever to come home. This is what the xOM or she would say when they would leave to meet up. I told her the new thing to text is "Leaving". It truly is the small stuff that we/I have to look out for on a daily basis. My basement. God, my basement. I couldn't even go down there for the longest time. Now, though...the mattress they used to screw on is gone and the air is a ton lighter for me. There are probably more things that I haven't even realized that we've changed or that I have changed to stop being triggered that I can't even tell ya.

But...I know them when I see/hear them


----------



## SomedayDig

Lock...I honestly have no interest in seeing them face to face. Mostly because I know how quickly my fist can hit one of those faces. I'm not saying that to be a "tough guy". I'm saying that to continue being a nice guy.


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> Yep, 4 months out and I'm doing okay. I'm not great. I'm sometimes not even good. I am however happy that Regret and I talk honestly about everything in our lives and don't fear hearing tough things.
> 
> Triggers...yeah, I have a few. One is driving past the hotels where they met. Unfortunately, I can't avoid them - trust me, I've tried to find ways for them to not be in sight, but this is kind of a "small town" type area. Another trigger for me are probably silly to some, but they mean a LOT to me. Texting each other, Regret used to say "On my way" when she was leaving work or wherever to come home. This is what the xOM or she would say when they would leave to meet up. I told her the new thing to text is "Leaving". It truly is the small stuff that we/I have to look out for on a daily basis. My basement. God, my basement. I couldn't even go down there for the longest time. Now, though...the mattress they used to screw on is gone and the air is a ton lighter for me. There are probably more things that I haven't even realized that we've changed or that I have changed to stop being triggered that I can't even tell ya.
> 
> But...I know them when I see/hear them


 I can relate, my H had sex in his truck with the OW. He still has the truck. It has been detailed, cleaned, lysoled LMAO, anything I could do to try to get the nasty out, but it took my about a year to even want to ride in it again.

Eventually I reclaimed a lot of my triggers, but that was after I was fully committed to working it out. Honestly, that was over a year from Dday.


----------



## Maricha75

So... it's your fault the OM had an affair with your wife, which caused his wife to file for divorce. :scratchhead:
Yea, that makes PERFECT sense. 

Seriously, what difference does it make to everyone WHERE it happened? I would think it would be more important to them THAT it happened. And I now wonder how many knew, or at least suspected, and are now being intimidated into siding with him. Very real possibility....


----------



## SomedayDig

Well, to throw an awesome twist into the mix...Paul...the college best friend of the xOM who was part of the gang...well, he and his wife met because of.....drumroll.....

They had an affair together!!! They were AP's!!

Funny how they stick together with the xOM, eh?


----------



## one_strange_otter

Since she is on here posting her side of the story does she plan on explaining this last bit of news concerning the ONS? I read through her posts but she stops at the point of explaining what happened with xOM.


----------



## SomedayDig

Oh...there was a ONS?! That I don't know about. :wtf:


----------



## warlock07

Wait, where did she post that? I don't remember her mentioning the ONS


----------



## MattMatt

Oho! Just realised something!

Perhaps your wife and the liar, damn, sorry, I mean lawyer, of course, but it's an easy slip to make! were not the only ones in that group who were having illicit affairs?

They might feel cross with you because you crimped their style by raising the general suspicion level for all of the BS in that group!


----------



## MattMatt

one_strange_otter said:


> Since she is on here posting her side of the story does she plan on explaining this last bit of news concerning the ONS? I read through her posts but she stops at the point of explaining what happened with xOM.


You'll need to post the link to that, please?


----------



## workindad

The loss of your so called friends is no real loss. 

No offense intended to you or Regret, but you guys are better off without them.

Best of luck on your R. Your story is certainly an amazing read. 
WD


----------



## Hope1964

Hi and welcome. I am not familiar with your wife's posts, I will have to go seek them out. It's always nice to 'meet' someone else trying to R as a BS  Incidentally, your D day is almost exactly two years after our first one.


----------



## Complexity

What motivated your decision to reconcile given your wife essentially had an affair for nearly half of your marriage? Besides love of course.


----------



## SomedayDig

I'm gone. I'm outta here. Having to read about a ONS from a complete stranger on a forum is insane!!! She never told me!!!!



I'm just kidding. Otter you must have mistaken her for a different poster. She hasn't written anything about a ONS and she didn't have one.


----------



## iheartlife

Welcome to TAM. Swift action, I am sure, made a huge difference in ending it, including exposure. I' m sure Paul and his wife have some influence over taking xOM's side (what makes me so angry is where is their support for his wife????).

My H had a 4.5 LTA and I had two DD's 3 years apart. So I can relate a little bit. We are 5 months out from DD#2 and reconciled and recommitted.

There's also another couple on the board, betrayed1 and EmptyInside, who are both posting and in R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

Complexity said:


> What motivated your decision to reconcile given your wife essentially had an affair for nearly half of your marriage? Besides love of course.


What a great question. Guess what? Regret asked me that a month ago. Why did I stay? I will tell you exactly what I told her.

Through my entire life I've lived tragically. My father left my mother for another woman when I was 3. I never saw him again despite him living less than 20 miles away. My step father cheated, too but my mother stayed with him, ultimately telling me that she stayed because of my brother and I. My first wife, well - drumroll - she cheated on me, but since we didn't have children and it was a tumultuous relationship at best, I left. Five years later I met Regret. I wasn't looking for anyone and we just happened. My son was born 3 years later and he almost died when he was born. My daughter was born 3 years after that and Regret almost died in front of my eyes in the ER.

When I looked up the stairs the night of Dday, I thought how when they each came into life, we averted tragedy by the grace of God. So...how could I simply walk out that door? How could I throw away all that I loved because of idiotic and stupid decisions that Regret made? I couldn't. The least I could do was my best to understand WHY she did what she did, and if I couldn't live with the answers, then I could leave with my head held high.

I'm living with the answers. It isn't easy - that much I can promise.


----------



## SomedayDig

iheartlife said:


> Welcome to TAM. Swift action, I am sure, made a huge difference in ending it, including exposure. I' m sure Paul and his wife have some influence over taking xOM's side *(what makes me so angry is where is their support for his wife????).*
> 
> *EXACTLY!!!!!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

SomedayDig said:


> What a great question. Guess what? Regret asked me that a month ago. Why did I stay? I will tell you exactly what I told her.
> 
> Through my entire life I've lived tragically. My father left my mother for another woman when I was 3. I never saw him again despite him living less than 20 miles away. My step father cheated, too but my mother stayed with him, ultimately telling me that she stayed because of my brother and I. My first wife, well - drumroll - she cheated on me, but since we didn't have children and it was a tumultuous relationship at best, I left. Five years later I met Regret. I wasn't looking for anyone and we just happened. My son was born 3 years later and he almost died when he was born. My daughter was born 3 years after that and Regret almost died in front of my eyes in the ER.
> 
> When I looked up the stairs the night of Dday, I thought how when they each came into life, we averted tragedy by the grace of God. So...how could I simply walk out that door? How could I throw away all that I loved because of idiotic and stupid decisions that Regret made? I couldn't. The least I could do was my best to understand WHY she did what she did, and if I couldn't live with the answers, then I could leave with my head held high.
> 
> I'm living with the answers. It isn't easy - that much I can promise.



So you think you learnt to put up with cheaters from your mother? (Don't take this wrong)

Were you scared/too tired to start over again ? 

Did you and your wife discuss about infidelity before marriage?


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> So you think you learnt to put up with cheaters from your mother? (Don't take this wrong)
> 
> *Oh, I won't take that wrong. Oedipus and I are old friends. Seriously, though, what I learned was what I didn't want in my life, which is why I was able to walk away from my first marriage easily. *
> 
> Were you scared/too tired to start over again ?
> 
> *No. I had left my pilot career 5 months before and had begun a new career. My confidence was soaring and I've never been scared of meeting new people.*
> 
> Did you and your wife discuss about infidelity before marriage?


Yes. I told her about all the pain I had lived with my entire life. I remember specifically saying to her that I couldn't understand how someone could throw away their entire life for an orgasm. That is exactly how I said it then. It's exactly what I restated to her mere months ago.


----------



## MattMatt

SomedayDig said:


> I'm gone. I'm outta here. Having to read about a ONS from a complete stranger on a forum is insane!!! She never told me!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> I'm just kidding. Otter you must have mistaken her for a different poster. She hasn't written anything about a ONS and she didn't have one.


So you are saying that was 'otterly' wrong? Sorry, OSO! I could not resist that!


----------



## Shaggy

It's been 4 months and she's doing all the right things. But she was very good at hiding it from you for 5 years. How do you know he was the only one, and how do you know she's done cheating fir good.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

> Seriously, though, what I learned was what I didn't want in my life, which is why I was able to walk away from my first marriage easily.


:scratchhead:


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> :scratchhead:


Far too much info to go into here. Let's just say that's the way it is and leave it at that.


----------



## SomedayDig

Shaggy said:


> It's been 4 months and she's doing all the right things. But she was very good at hiding it from you for 5 years. How do you know he was the only one, and how do you know she's done cheating fir good.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, she was a great liar I will give her that. How do I know there was only one and that she's done for good? Because that is what she has told me. Trust me, with the amount of details I got from her, there's no reason for her to hide if there was someone else. I've told her in no uncertain terms, that if I find out 2 months or 20 years from now anything different, then I walk. Period.

I can only begin to trust.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

How often did your wife bring or allow the OM around you? 

Just the idea that this Dweeb got to smile while around you...shake your hand etc all the while banging your wife for 5 long years and laughing to himself!!!!


----------



## thebuckest

SomedayDig said:


> Yep, she was a great liar I will give her that. How do I know there was only one and that she's done for good? Because that is what she has told me. Trust me, with the amount of details I got from her, there's no reason for her to hide if there was someone else. I've told her in no uncertain terms, that if I find out 2 months or 20 years from now anything different, then I walk. Period.
> 
> I can only begin to trust.


That's the answer folks. Shoot I married my wife 5 mnths after her lies. I just had to make a decison and believe in my ability to lie detect. And my mom even told me son there are no gaurentees in marriage there is only a chance. And she was right and trust is the only way back to normal. Two years out I don't think about it I joke about it actually and lovs my wife more than ever. Gl man I wish u all the best, wake up everyday knowing ur gonna do what it takes to be a good father and husband and that's all you can do. I still check my wifes phones fb etc from time to time but without worry just something I told myself I would never fall for again as I thought it was a gaurentee she would never lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thebuckest

ShootMePlz! said:


> How often did your wife bring or allow the OM around you?
> 
> Just the idea that this Dweeb got to smile while around you...shake your hand etc all the while banging your wife for 5 long years and laughing to himself!!!!


Dude why even give him this thought again have u no compassion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

ShootMePlz! said:


> How often did your wife bring or allow the OM around you?
> 
> Just the idea that this Dweeb got to smile while around you...shake your hand etc all the while banging your wife for 5 long years and laughing to himself!!!!


She never brought him around me. I only met him at a party one of the "gang" had about 3 years ago. Thinking about it now, man oh man...I would've shivved him in the back of his neck without hesitation. Him looking at me and smiling inward thinking of my wife sucking him off. I'd f'ng kill him inside a heartbeat.

And let's be frank. That's not "tough guy" keyboard stuff either.


----------



## SomedayDig

thebuckest said:


> Dude why even give him this thought again have u no compassion?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's all good, man. I've heard worse and had worse said to me on another forum. Weakness isn't one of my attributes.


----------



## DawnD

So being 4 months out Dig, what are the new boundaries for your relationship??


----------



## SoulStorm

Well I can say that the xOM did not get off scott-free. He has lost his marriage and has to live in fear that Dig doesn't hunt him down and snuff him out. He lost his home and knows that it's all because he was a weasel who stole another man's wife for his own pleasure. He is getting only a tenth of what he deserves.
And Regret214 is not having it easy either. Although her BH has chosen to reconcile..she has sentenced herself to being subservient. She has to live with the fact that she cannot be fully trusted, that she disrespected her home and her husband for a long time.
She is not getting off scott-free either.
Although I detect that you SomeDayDig, have a way with levity, you are by no means a pushover.
She has to be accountable for her actions and explain anything that may look suspicious.

I applaud you both for having the strength to recover your marriage.
It takes 2-5+ years to get to real good solid place. Your journey is just starting.
Baby steps


----------



## SomedayDig

DawnD said:


> So being 4 months out Dig, what are the new boundaries for your relationship??


Complete transparency. Previous to Dday, I didn't even know the password to our cell company. Now, I've got access to everything and anything. She has a GPS tracker on her phone that SHE installed on her own. There are no guy friends and definitely no girls night out - not that that would happen as the only one's she did that with were the former friends.

This is in addition to communication. We talk on a daily basis about everything and anything. Nothing is "sacred" and to be honest, it really shouldn't be. If you can't discuss something with your spouse, then a serious look-see needs to happen. Hell, I'll even talk about when her next period is during an MC session - and I have!! LOL 

Respect. This goes both ways believe it or not, and even being the BS in this instance, I still have to respect my wife. Yes, what she did was horrific to our marriage and even our friendship. That, however, doesn't give me the right to treat her like a doormat. Oh, I've said some not so pretty things to her, but I did so with a tough love attitude and it wasn't simple retaliation. I did that 3 days after Dday when I walked out of the house and drove away. I screamed at her at the top of my lungs that night. I got a lot out. Yet, in the end, that's not me and not my style. It's not that I'm a religious nutbag or whatever someone might want to call me...but I believe in forgiveness (something Regret hasn't truly gotten from me yet). I believe in doing good things.

So, being transparent, communication and mutual respect are the boundaries we have set on our new marriage. I hope that answers your questions.


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> Complete transparency. Previous to Dday, I didn't even know the password to our cell company. Now, I've got access to everything and anything. She has a GPS tracker on her phone that SHE installed on her own. There are no guy friends and definitely no girls night out - not that that would happen as the only one's she did that with were the former friends.
> 
> This is in addition to communication. We talk on a daily basis about everything and anything. Nothing is "sacred" and to be honest, it really shouldn't be. If you can't discuss something with your spouse, then a serious look-see needs to happen. Hell, I'll even talk about when her next period is during an MC session - and I have!! LOL
> 
> Respect. This goes both ways believe it or not, and even being the BS in this instance, I still have to respect my wife. Yes, what she did was horrific to our marriage and even our friendship. That, however, doesn't give me the right to treat her like a doormat. Oh, I've said some not so pretty things to her, but I did so with a tough love attitude and it wasn't simple retaliation. I did that 3 days after Dday when I walked out of the house and drove away. I screamed at her at the top of my lungs that night. I got a lot out. Yet, in the end, that's not me and not my style. It's not that I'm a religious nutbag or whatever someone might want to call me...but I believe in forgiveness (something Regret hasn't truly gotten from me yet). I believe in doing good things.
> 
> So, being transparent, communication and mutual respect are the boundaries we have set on our new marriage. I hope that answers your questions.


All very good things to have. I am assuming you two have talked and you have made it clear about if she should decide to cheat again? 

Have you had any feelings of revenge cheating? I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it, but thankfully I never did have a revenge affair? Only asking because it seems common for some of the other posters to have time period where they feel it would "even the score". RA's are a horrible idea, but something that seems to cross minds at times like these.


----------



## SomedayDig

SoulStorm said:


> Well I can say that the xOM did not get off scott-free. He has lost his marriage and has to live in fear that Dig doesn't hunt him down and snuff him out.
> 
> *Yep.*
> 
> He lost his home and knows that it's all because he was a weasel who stole another man's wife for his own pleasure. He is getting only a tenth of what he deserves.
> 
> *Yep.*
> 
> And Regret214 is not having it easy either. Although her BH has chosen to reconcile..she has sentenced herself to being subservient. She has to live with the fact that she cannot be fully trusted, that she disrespected her home and her husband for a long time.
> 
> *Yep.*
> 
> She is not getting off scott-free either.
> 
> *No she most definitely is not!*
> 
> Although I detect that you SomeDayDig, have a way with levity, you are by no means a pushover.
> She has to be accountable for her actions and explain anything that may look suspicious.
> *Levity and I are old friends, but I am certainly not a push over. As I've said, I can be the nicest guy you've ever met or your worst nightmare. Again...not a keyboard commando either. I now have those eyes in the back of my head. I don't like being that way, but its just the way it is at this point.*
> 
> I applaud you both for having the strength to recover your marriage.
> It takes 2-5+ years to get to real good solid place. Your journey is just starting.
> Baby steps


The journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. We've taken a few.


----------



## SomedayDig

Satchel Rage said:


> So have you exposed this affair to your family and her family?
> 
> *I don't have a family. My mother died 3 years ago this month and my brother was a douche during the process, so I haven't spoken to him since.
> *
> It's peculiar reading this thread, to see that you come across as an alpha type of guy but so readily reconciled, when she cheated on you for five years. Five years is just total disrespect. Being the type of guy you are and so easily reconciling is kind of odd.
> 
> *It is odd isn't it?!  That said, "easily reconciling" might appear on the surface what this is, however I have certainly put Regret through the wringer on many a night and have a no holds barred attitude when discussing this. Her total lack of respect for me earned her that attitude. I don't like being that way on occasion to the woman I love, but it's just the way it is.*
> 
> Did you ever consider divorce or was it never an option?
> 
> *I did consider it. I weighed everything before I made a full and honest commitment to reconcile. I debated leaving for a month to think things over, too. Yet, in the end, I chose to be here. In our house and work things out with her.*
> 
> Did she cheat on you before the marriage?


No, before the marriage we were constantly together. I've said this before, but it bears saying again: When I was a pilot for the last decade, I was gone away from home sometimes weeks at a time. I think that me being away gave Regret a sense of entitlement to have this scumbag over to my house and gave her the space she needed to accomplish her affair goals. I find it odd that this affair went on for 5 years, yet when I left my flying profession back in October it only took me 5 months to uncover it. I'm definitely not saying it was my flying job that was at fault. It was however a great way for her to bang this guy since I was never home.


----------



## SoulStorm

SDD,

I can tell that although Regret214 posts articulately and candidly..she still has fear. She still has great shame.
The remorse appears to be genuine and she still fears that you may decide that this is too much and you will one day say.."I can't do this"
Thats her fear.

She is being transparent and open even here on this board to show us and you that she has nothing more to hide..that she is all in and wants to repair her bad choices.
I think she is willing to spend the rest of her life to make up for those choices.

At 4 months out..does she still cry about how bad she hurt you?


----------



## the guy

Dude I just read your 1st post, and scroled though some pages but I can say that you slamed it down hard brother, f^ching way to go bro...good job

BTW, my old lady was banging guys for 13 years a total of 20 in all. Not sure what to tell you next bro, but you are not alone and I only hope the best for the both of you.

Me and my chick are going on 2-1/2 years since the sh!tstorm came down on her cheatting @ss and believe it or not, we are in a damb good R...in fact its great. I stoped throwing her around and she stopped sleeping around.

What it took is learning the tools to prevent those bad behaviors from coming back. IC did wounders for both of us the MC was ok but we got our crap together as individuals, then it just came together.

My FWW knows what she is and understands who she is and now can be honest with herself, and being able to commit only to me. Just like I understand what I am and understand who I'm.
Now that each knows what our capacities are, we work on avioding going down that dark road.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.


----------



## TBT

Being the man you appear to be,what ways do you find to vent your negative emotions.I mean intellectually you seem to be on the logical course for R,but what of those times your head and heart conflict over the pain you're surely suffering.Do you just say "this too will pass" or do you have an outlet for it?

It's good to see that though you have been pushed to the brink,you both still can place a strong value on one another and your marriage.It would have been easy for either one of you to walk away,but you didn't.There had to be a relatively strong foundation there to begin with and I wish you both well.


----------



## SomedayDig

I promise to respond to all posts here, however tonight Regret and I are gonna watch our tv show and then head up to bed. See ya's tomorrow!


----------



## MainMan#6

SomedayDig,

I am trying everyday to be the man you have shown yourself to be throughout this situation. A man of integrity, honesty, compassion, and strength. Kudos to you sir, Kudos. Good luck with you and your wife's reconciliation.


----------



## the guy

Digs I just posted to your chick thread, and I showed her the up most respect. Basicly said you guys can get thru this and told her some of the crap me and Mrs. the_guy did to help me get thru.

I don't know about you but I needed every detail. I mean I watched enough porno and I get it, its the things like were and when. For the most part fWW's sex was always on the run so it couldn't have been that good. But I just couldn't let it go until I heard the ugly senrios...the hook ups the way they started how OM engaged and sealed the deal....thing like that.


----------



## shazam

SomedayDig said:


> I hate to admit it, but I was elated when I heard she left him. AND I truly hope she takes him for every f'ng thing he's got. Not just because he's the xOM, but because he is a true scumbag who got caught...felt entitled to live a lie and lost.
> 
> My kids are most definitely mine simply by looking at them. They were conceived well before any kind of marital issues arose, so I honestly don't feel a need for a DNA test. I did ask Regret when this all happened if they were mine and I just looked at her again with this comment.
> 
> My kids are most definitely my kids


She likely thinks the same of your wife.


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> BURN THAT WITCH!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, just joking. Welcome to TAM.


Geeeeeez....... that just gave me a flashback to my "warm welcome" here on TAM!


----------



## TBT

Empty Inside said:


> Geeeeeez....... that just gave me a flashback to my warm welcome here on TAM!
> Ok, just joking. Welcome to TAM.


[/QUOTE]

Yeah,but you weathered the storm well.


----------



## EI

Yeah,but you weathered the storm well.[/QUOTE]


Well, thank you..... still weathering, but getting stronger (and closer) every day!


----------



## morituri

Empty Inside said:


> Geeeeeez....... that just gave me a flashback to my warm welcome here on TAM!


Yeah, that warm, toasty feeling of a blast furnace.


----------



## EI

mattmatt said:


> so you are saying that was 'otterly' wrong? Sorry, oso! I could not resist that!:d



*Stop that......*


----------



## MattMatt

SomedayDig said:


> She never brought him around me. I only met him at a party one of the "gang" had about 3 years ago. Thinking about it now, man oh man...I would've shivved him in the back of his neck without hesitation. Him looking at me and smiling inward thinking of my wife sucking him off. I'd f'ng kill him inside a heartbeat.
> 
> And let's be frank. That's not "tough guy" keyboard stuff either.


Might not be the case. It's possible for someone to have an affair and to view the partner of the spouse you are cheating with with some degree of compassion and, yes, even with genuine good feelings and friendship. 

You can do this so long as you bury the guilt way, way down, so deep you can hear it calling you, softly, but you can't see it. Might not be the case with your wife's AP, but how do I know this? Yes, I write with personal experience of when I became my wife's AP. And no, I have no idea how I could compartmentalise so thoroughly.


----------



## MattMatt

DawnD said:


> All very good things to have. I am assuming you two have talked and you have made it clear about if she should decide to cheat again?
> 
> Have you had any feelings of revenge cheating? I would be lying if I said I didn't think about it, but thankfully I never did have a revenge affair? Only asking because it seems common for some of the other posters to have time period where they feel it would "even the score". RA's are a horrible idea, but something that seems to cross minds at times like these.


Didn't work out to well in my case. Made me feel worse than when I found out my wife was going to be unfaithful.


----------



## MattMatt

JB100 said:


> Emptyinside,
> 
> Who is that a picture of in your profile?


You had to ask!  Actually, you beat me to it!


----------



## EI

JB100 said:


> Emptyinside,
> 
> Who is that a picture of in your profile?





MattMatt said:


> You had to ask!  Actually, you beat me to it!


It's me..... Hubby is a photographer (on the side.) It's actually a digital sketch of a photo he took of me last summer.


----------



## warlock07

:rofl: Check her post. She is in her late 40's I think


----------



## EI

Old enough to have 5 grown children and a precious baby grandson! LOL But, honestly, I've said it on my own thread, I'm 48. Now, we can't thread jack or we'll get into trouble. And, I'm already in enough trouble, don't ya think?


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> :rofl: Check her post. She is in her late 40's I think



It IS NOT necessary to use the word "late" is it? LOL


----------



## MattMatt

Empty Inside said:


> It's me..... Hubby is a photographer (on the side.) It's actually a digital sketch of a photo he took of me last summer.


OMG. He's good, but then as he has a model like you to photograph... OK! Stop right there, Matt! 

Reminds me of a CW star, though I can't think who.

You mean, photography is not his profession? Gosh. I am impressed, seriously.


----------



## TBT

Empty Inside said:


> It's me..... Hubby is a photographer (on the side.) It's actually a digital sketch of a photo he took of me last summer.


Looks kinda familiar in a country western singer type of way.


----------



## TBT

Geez Matt,what do you do,read my mind!


----------



## MattMatt

TBT said:


> Looks kinda familiar in a country western singer type of way.


Exactly what I thought!:smthumbup:

Kentucky. EI, do you have a Kentucky accent, by some chance? Being English, I think that would be very exotic. 

_After that brief interlude, we return you to your regularly scheduled thread!_


----------



## warlock07

Are you reconciling because you are enjoying the new found power in your relationship? Is it one of the reasons after being ill treated/abused for for so much time ? (Again, honest question. One poster who was dead set on divorce, reconciled after his WW grabbed his legs, grovelling for an R )


----------



## SomedayDig

SoulStorm said:


> SDD,
> 
> At 4 months out..does she still cry about how bad she hurt you?


*Yes she does. It is heartfelt, too.*



TBT said:


> Being the man you appear to be,what ways do you find to vent your negative emotions.I mean intellectually you seem to be on the logical course for R,but what of those times your head and heart conflict over the pain you're surely suffering.Do you just say "this too will pass" or do you have an outlet for it?


*I've got a best friend who I used to fly with years ago. He is the one I talk to when it feels over the top. Other than that, I've also got a gym I work out at and a heavy bag in my garage. Trust me, when I've gotten that rage feeling, that bag has taken a TON of abuse. I just have to remember to always put the gloves on though. Shoulda seen my ring/pinky knuckles after laying into it without them once!*



shazam said:


> She likely thinks the same of your wife.


*Oh, I'm sure she does. I certainly don't doubt it one bit. Let's be straight on something, and this is to everyone out there to hear, not just speaking to shazam: My wife f'd up big time. Just as much as the xOM did. They're on equal ground in that respect. However, that is where it ends. Regret came clean with me. Yes, I got a bit of trickle truth, but I at least got the full truth within a month. His BW got nothing. She was told he slept with Regret a few times at my house and at 1 hotel. The fact is they screwed around 40 times with 4 of those being in a hotel and the last 2 years all trysts were done at HIS house because my kids were older and Regret feared they would discover him there while I was away on a trip.*



warlock07 said:


> Are you reconciling because you are enjoying the new found power in your relationship? Is it one of the reasons after being ill treated/abused for for so much time ? (Again, honest question. One poster who was dead set on divorce, reconciled after his WW grabbed his legs, grovelling for an R )


I've said to Regret on several occasions that I do NOT enjoy my position of "power" and actually have apologized for the manner in which I have spoken to her sometimes. She never asked me not to leave. Never grovelled. What she did was show remorse and sorrow for her actions. Not only in words but in action and feeling. I can see it. It was a totally different woman than I saw on March 5th.


----------



## Baffled01

SomedayDig said:


> Well, to throw an awesome twist into the mix...Paul...the college best friend of the xOM who was part of the gang...well, he and his wife met because of.....drumroll.....
> 
> They had an affair together!!! They were AP's!!
> 
> Funny how they stick together with the xOM, eh?


Sounds like this is a group you and your wife need to put behind you. Talk about 'Toxic friends.' If they are so adament about defending the OM, invite them to participate in this thread. I'm sure they will get alot of feedback.


----------



## SomedayDig

Zug...I didn't want to quote your message because of the bold letters and everything, but I do want to respond appropriately. First, a little insight into my character. Who is Dig, really?

It was a year or so after I separated from my ex-wife. I met a woman in a dance club on a Friday night and we danced a bit, but I never asked her name. She sent me roses anonymously to my office the following Monday with only the initial "M". To be 100% honest, I had NO idea who sent them. The next Friday, I was at the club and she walked by me with a sly smile. It hit me, so I tapped her on her shoulder and asked, "Are you M?" Her reply was, "I could be...if you liked them." Well, after that she took me to dinner the following week. Took me to a nice hotel and the whole 9. The following week was the same, except when we woke up and went to breakfast at a local diner. After eating we got into her car - mine was at the hotel a couple miles away - and she said she had to confess something. She then told me that she was married and that her husband had given her 30 days to get stuff out of her system. I was so hurt. It was pouring rain outside. I'll never forget it. I just looked at her with tears in my eyes, and told her that even IF he had given her permission to do this, there was no way I could do that to another man.

With her calling to me, I got out of the car and walked back to the hotel in the pouring rain. I never called or saw her again.

I don't want to rescue Regret. She needs to do that for herself. I am a pretty strong guy with integrity probably to a fault. I believe in giving everyone a chance. I don't want to be on any pedestal and if that's where Regret has me at the moment, I can tell you I would never take advantage of it. If she chooses to lavish love that she misplaced for 5 years, then I willingly accept it. I think I deserve it.

That said, I see and feel her pain. I'm certain this will shock and piss off a bunch of people, but I have actually held her tenderly while she has cried over her imbecilic decisions. Why? Because I love her and I am extremely empathetic. 

In another forum someone said my story was one that was the only one he could ever imagine saying I deserved a revenge affair. My feeling is simple: I wouldn't entertain it for a number of reasons, the least of which I have no desire to do so. The second is, why bring an innocent person into this mess? It would only serve to hurt yet another person in the end, and I'm not talking about my wife.

As to Regret pursuing the xOM, in the beginning she was the one who invited him to our home. They called each other and texted each other mutually in the beginning. The last 3 years though, he was the one who initiated contact every time. How do I know? I've been able to go back through our cell records and see it in black and white. I looked at every instance from 3 years ago until March and every single text or call was initiated by him. Again ~ I do NOT give Regret a pass on this one single bit because she chose to respond and go bang the guy. She is just as guilty. I don't know what the xOM has told the gang and at this time, the point is moot. They made their choice and it is to side with the one who lied to his wife and never came fully clean about the affair. Again, why would Regret make it more than what it was when all of this came out. They had a FIVE YEAR AFFAIR and she has admitted to almost 40 times being with the guy. He said it was only a few times. Well, the cell bill tells the truth of that tale.

Funny you commented about the "simple guy" statement. I've always told Regret that deep down, I'm really a simple guy and her response has always been quite like yours. However, I still see myself as a simple guy. But thank you for the compliment.

Anger misplaced. A good comment and one I will fully address here. I'm not a small guy. I'm no stranger to physical altercations. I don't look for a fight, but I will stand my ground. That said, I have never struck or physically threatened a woman. I see that as cowardly. Through all of this, I can say that I don't think Regret has ever once felt threatened in any physical way by me. She can answer to that if she chooses. I have without a doubt shown her my anger in the form of words, and those words are not pretty and I can tell you I'm not proud of some of the things I have said to her. Yet, that is how I felt and I let her have it with both barrels of my brain-gun. She has not once, not ever, been immune to my anger at all. I'm pretty certain that even most wayward spouses would have bolted and shriveled up after just 5 minutes of my verbiage. Regret sat quietly and took it all. She took it, she says, because she deserves it.

We seemingly covered a lot of ground relatively quickly for one reason: We had a solid foundation in those first 7 years. THAT is what helps us at this time. I can't explain it other than to say only if you are here in this house would you understand the depth of our relationship. Even though she totally trounced upon my love for five years.


----------



## SomedayDig

Baffled01 said:


> Sounds like this is a group you and your wife need to put behind you. Talk about 'Toxic friends.' If they are so adament about defending the OM, invite them to participate in this thread. I'm sure they will get alot of feedback.


They are definitely being left in the dust as we speak. If I had known this dynamic prior to Dday, I would have distanced myself sooner and I would've asked Regret to do the same. But this is where we are and they can stay in their little subdivision in the land of unicorns and rainbows.

And if they came into this forum, they would last maybe a line or two; at which point they would cower away to lick their wounds together while being sympathetic to only their cause and say "those people are insane".


----------



## strugglinghusband

Dig, you sound like the type of guy, someone would be very proud to call "Friend".

best wishes for you both....


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

I am pro Divorce type, may be because i got burned during my R.

But, If WS is truly remorseful, ready to do the heavy lifting and children are involved Then BS should give the WS a second chance.

Any way good luck for you R.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I am pro Divorce type, may be because i got burned during my R.
> 
> But, If WS is truly remorseful, ready to do the heavy lifting and children are involved Then BS *should* give the WS a second chance.
> 
> Any way good luck for you R.


has the choice to.


There you go Kallan


----------



## warlock07

> I've said to Regret on several occasions that I do NOT enjoy my position of "power" and actually have apologized for the manner in which I have spoken to her sometimes. She never asked me not to leave. Never grovelled. What she did was show remorse and sorrow for her actions. Not only in words but in action and feeling. I can see it. It was a totally different woman than I saw on March 5th.


No, I don't mean position of power in a bad way. Nor do I mean that you enjoy abusing her. What I mean is more like the sense of control you have in this situation. You were lost in the marriage before the affair, not knowing what was wrong. Now you can say that you understand the situation and act accordingly


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> No, I don't mean position of power in a bad way. Nor do I mean that you enjoy abusing her. What I mean is more like the sense of control you have in this situation. You were lost in the marriage before the affair, not knowing what was wrong. Now you can say that you understand the situation and act accordingly


Oh! Duh, me!! LOL See? I am simple!!

Yes, in that respect the position of power of knowing 100% of what is going on in our marriage is a big piece of what helps me continue to work on reconciliation. Coming from a position of knowledge, even some of it in the historical sense, helps. I can see where things were blamed on me and I was told I needed to change to save the marriage. It was CRAZY!! And literally drove me mad trying to figure out what in the F I was doing wrong. Sitting in hotel rooms around the world during that time, reflecting on myself accomplished nothing...because it wasn't ME that needed fixing. It was Regret. But she was so far in denial that if she'd be hit by the truth train she would've continued to wonder what hit her.


----------



## SomedayDig

strugglinghusband said:


> Dig, you sound like the type of guy, someone would be very proud to call "Friend".
> 
> best wishes for you both....


Thank you. That means a lot.


----------



## lovelygirl

You are such a strong man.
Going through cheating stories and being surrounded by cheaters all your life must be tragic indeed!
Still, being able to forgive means you have an immense room in your heart for these people. 

If I were you, I probably wouldn't be living anymore. It would be too much to handle.
It's just hurtful to imagine...let alone to live with it!


----------



## SomedayDig

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *SomedayDig:
> 
> Seemingly, your reconciliation story has now become bigger than you two. It is a point of discussion, of intense speculation and even befuddlement – on TAM, and perhaps in your own mind.
> 
> Please take care that you don’t somehow feel ‘pressurized’ to keep up the reconciliation – so many of us here have observed how supremely strong you have come across, as a man and husband. Do take care not to get caught in that image, and feel compelled to maintain it.
> 
> I am saying this because you seem to be expanding it beyond the peripheries of practical living. (I am referring to your new thread 'The Big Bang Theory').
> 
> Please don’t forget that the reconciliation is between SomedayDig and Regret. When all this settles, you and she have to share a life together. Please do what is right by you two.
> 
> Godspeed. I would like to see a good man such as you WIN, whichever way you WANT to win. *



Thank you for the kind words Z. Yes, it is easy to get caught up in a created image, but I can tell you I've totally been able to separate TAM from home. Yes, Regret and I come on here to post about us, however the beauty of the thing is that we talk and communicate so much lately due to posting on the same board. That does NOT in any way take over the work we do on our deck talks...hence, I made the comment last night on TAM that we had a tough talk and Regret wouldn't be on to answer any questions. We separate real life from TAM and I think that is very important.


----------



## SomedayDig

*carpenoctem*...only because you use bold type in your posts, I'm going to comment on post 110 without quoting.

1. Remorse. Yep, it really sucks that she didn't have an ounce of it until I caught her. Then all of her years of holding onto that crap came out. I struggled a lot in the beginning dealing with this aspect, because she cried so much and I was like...Ummm, excuse me, but I'M the one who got hurt here. She heard me loud and clear that day.

2. Respect. When I heard she was banging this guy in MY house (yes its ours, but...) and in MY basement, you can't imagine the rage I had inside. Last night we talked about how the phone calls or texts happened. The would let the phone ring once or twice to let the other know they were available. Well, one time - and I remember it vividly - he called her while I was standing not 2 feet away. She f'ng ANSWERED!! I later asked who it was and she claimed it was her girlfriend. She had sooo little respect for who I was that she answered this f'ng guy right in front of my face. How horribly bold and disrespectful. A few nights before Dday, she and I had a date night. We were going out to dinner, yet while we were making plans and she was sitting on the couch across from me, she was texting this guy saying that the hotel was set. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

3. Emotional Shallowness. She was a master. It's how she functioned and compartmentalized everything. I won't go into her history as that is hers to tell, but let's just say this is something she learned a long, long time ago.

4. Callousness. Hmmm...I'll refer to the lack of respect I just ranted on up there...lol

5. Love. I'll let her answer that. It's not in my capacity to even begin to know why she loves me when she could do what she did seemingly easily.

As far as being banned by the TAM people, I would disagree with anyone being banned simply for having an opinion. Only if someone became overtly harsh and disrespectful in commenting would I take issue. You haven't done that.


----------



## cledus_snow

> The would let the phone ring once or twice to let the other know they were available. Well, one time - and I remember it vividly - *he called her while I was standing not 2 feet away. She f'ng ANSWERED!! *I later asked who it was and she claimed it was her girlfriend. She had sooo little respect for who I was that she answered this f'ng guy right in front of my face. How horribly bold and disrespectful. A few nights before Dday, she and I had a date night. We were going out to dinner, yet while we were making plans and she was *sitting on the couch across from me, she was texting this guy saying that the hotel was set.* Yeah, it was pretty bad.


HORRIBLE!!!


you're quite the man, Dig. no [email protected]#ing way i would've stayed with that total lack of respect and disregard for my feelings.

i can't wrap my head around how she could smile and be pleasant to you, knowing she was all set to bang this guy. _in your own house, even._ WTF!!!

what's worse is it sounds like this guy is a privileged scumbag who thinks he's entitled to everything. he just added your wife to his many "accomplishments." 

really sux.


----------



## the guy

@cs-, You have every right to your opinion but I don,t see the support here. THe dude is trying to R and we all knows this and you come at him with some low blows. Again just my opinion. Who am I , I can't even spell. LOL

So as I respect your right to post and have your perspective ,I too have my right to say mine.

You hang in there Digs and keep your eye on the prize, if your lady does the heavy lifting for the next year, you guys can make it.

As far as those painful details it sucks but just like me I had to also know about the texting infront of my face the stealthy groping when I was in the same room, the quick whispers when I wasn't looking.

The point is, as you well have stated, is knowing were the unhealthy marriage was and what was really going on. I mean some betrayed don't get a gram of information you and I have gottten and I see them still struggle.

It a strenth you, me /all of us need to have to listen to these ugly thruths and move on from them. You gotta know what your moving on from ...get it?

Sure you do...so does she thats why you ask and she tells.


It worked for me and Mrs. the-guy. So the A was a long...13 yrs or 5 yrs, alot has to come out so as shameful at it is for you chick to spuw it its just as painful to hear it. but IMHO its something both of you need to go thru.

It does reach a point, about a year to were it now longer matters (the "small" details) and the fact that it happen sticks with you. It took about 6 months for me, but hell I had 13 yrs to look at *were* my marriage really was.

So stay calm and listen and try not to judge ,but listen and learn. Just like Regret will listen and learn as you go thru the triggers.


----------



## happyman64

SomedayDig said:


> Z...only because you use bold type in your posts, I'm going to comment on post 110 without quoting.
> 
> 1. Remorse. Yep, it really sucks that she didn't have an ounce of it until I caught her. Then all of her years of holding onto that crap came out. I struggled a lot in the beginning dealing with this aspect, because she cried so much and I was like...Ummm, excuse me, but I'M the one who got hurt here. She heard me loud and clear that day.
> 
> 2. Respect. When I heard she was banging this guy in MY house (yes its ours, but...) and in MY basement, you can't imagine the rage I had inside. Last night we talked about how the phone calls or texts happened. The would let the phone ring once or twice to let the other know they were available. Well, one time - and I remember it vividly - he called her while I was standing not 2 feet away. She f'ng ANSWERED!! I later asked who it was and she claimed it was her girlfriend. She had sooo little respect for who I was that she answered this f'ng guy right in front of my face. How horribly bold and disrespectful. A few nights before Dday, she and I had a date night. We were going out to dinner, yet while we were making plans and she was sitting on the couch across from me, she was texting this guy saying that the hotel was set. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
> 
> 3. Emotional Shallowness. She was a master. It's how she functioned and compartmentalized everything. I won't go into her history as that is hers to tell, but let's just say this is something she learned a long, long time ago.
> 
> 4. Callousness. Hmmm...I'll refer to the lack of respect I just ranted on up there...lol
> 
> 5. Love. I'll let her answer that. It's not in my capacity to even begin to know why she loves me when she could do what she did seemingly easily.
> 
> As far as being banned by the TAM people, I would disagree with anyone being banned simply for having an opinion. Only if someone became overtly harsh and disrespectful in commenting would I take issue. You haven't done that.


I gotta say SD I really like your answers. It really shows how strong you are with who you are and just how much you must love Regret.

I know she is finding her way so all I can say is that you both keep going. You are definitely heading in the right direction.


----------



## cledus_snow

dude, i'm not trying to hit below the belt. i'm just at a loss at the callousness of the betrayal, and Dig's thoughts on it.

just trying to understand how he is able to put all this aside and start over. not very many of us would even consider reconciliation, given the magnitude of the deception. 

sorry if it sounded like a "dig," Dig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

cledus_snow said:


> dude, i'm not trying to hit below the belt. i'm just at a loss at the callousness of the betrayal, and Dig's thoughts on it.
> *
> just trying to understand how he is able to put all this aside* and start over. not very many of us would even consider reconciliation, given the magnitude of the deception.
> 
> sorry if it sounded like a "dig," Dig.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it looks like I've put "all this aside" then you haven't really seen what goes in beyond TAM. I'm so far from putting anything aside, it's one of the reasons I almost went to jail about 30 minutes ago.


----------



## anonymouskitty

The two things that I can observe from hanging around here is 

1.) Women who cheat are bashed mercilessly more so than men who do the same and
2.) Men who are willing to reconcile are equated to being less than those men who "up and left rather than withstand the bruise their ego suffered".

Sigh, its dig's choice to stay or go and we have no right to even wonder about how he's doing it, he's doing it because he's much stronger than the guys with over-inflated egos who simply cannot withstand the damage they suffer. its an individual's choice and we have to respect him for that.


----------



## PHTlump

SomedayDig said:


> His BW got nothing. She was told he slept with Regret a few times at my house and at 1 hotel. The fact is they screwed around 40 times with 4 of those being in a hotel and the last 2 years all trysts were done at HIS house because my kids were older and Regret feared they would discover him there while I was away on a trip.


This is the part that boggles my mind about your toxic friends. Somehow, the genital contact matters less than the location where the genital contact occurred. A married woman having sex with a married man is one thing. But having the affair *and then lying about the location it occurred* is beyond the pale.

I'll just say that it could be worse, dig. Some posters have reported catching their wayward wives in the marital bed. I'm sure that image won't leave your head.

Anyway, good for you for trying to get your marriage back on track and leaving idiot ex-friends behind.


----------



## PHTlump

anonymouskitty said:


> The two things that I can observe from hanging around here is
> 
> 1.) Women who cheat are bashed mercilessly more so than men who do the same and


I don't know what you're basing that observation on. I can't think of a single thread where divorce, then dating is NOT the recommended course of action.



anonymouskitty said:


> 2.) Men who are willing to reconcile are equated to being less than those men who "up and left rather than withstand the bruise their ego suffered".
> 
> Sigh, its dig's choice to stay or go and we have no right to even wonder about how he's doing it, he's doing it because he's much stronger than the guys with over-inflated egos who simply cannot withstand the damage they suffer. its an individual's choice and we have to respect him for that.


There are only a very few posters who will insult a BH who wants to R as weak. Most of the time, the insults are meant to shock a poster into action. The current example of this is JB100's thread. He states that his wife has abused him in a dozen different ways, and then states that he's going to lay down the law. The ridicule in that thread was meant to shock JB100 into action and break the pattern of speaking loudly and carrying a small stick.

However, I've seen the same tactic used for betrayed wives who believe that they're stuck in their marriage.

Reconciliation, or divorce, can be approached from either a position of strength, or a position of weakness. I certainly support and admire people who think of their children and the damage that divorce would do to them and give reconciliation an honest chance.


----------



## warlock07

SomedayDig said:


> Oh! Duh, me!! LOL See? I am simple!!
> 
> Yes, in that respect the position of power of knowing 100% of what is going on in our marriage is a big piece of what helps me continue to work on reconciliation. Coming from a position of knowledge, even some of it in the historical sense, helps. I can see where things were blamed on me and I was told I needed to change to save the marriage. It was CRAZY!! And literally drove me mad trying to figure out what in the F I was doing wrong. Sitting in hotel rooms around the world during that time, reflecting on myself accomplished nothing...because it wasn't ME that needed fixing. It was Regret. But she was so far in denial that if she'd be hit by the truth train she would've continued to wonder what hit her.



Some BS find the bullsh!tting and the blaming that happened during the affair to be more difficult to get over than the actual affair and the sex itself. How did she treat you before the D-day. Can you tell us a bit more about that?

How come she realized what she was doing to you only after she was caught? I mean, the affair was purely sexual(according to her). It shouldn't have affected her family life, that too for so many years , right? Is she changing because she was caught ? I'm asking this because the core part of her that made this happen is still there. How are you sure that it won't manifest in other forms ? 

Maybe she is lying or maybe she does not realize it yet. The affair wasn't purely sexual. The purely sexual affairs are one night stands.


----------



## lovelygirl

warlock07 said:


> How come she realized what she was doing to you only after she was caught?


If she hadn't been caught, probably the affair would be still going on..
If she was able to keep it for 5 years, howcome out of the blue she feels sorry?
Had it been going for 5 days I could believe she is remorseful. 

..but 5 years is too much .

Just saying.


----------



## Davelli0331

Dig,

Just wanted to throw some good will your way. You come across as the kind of guy that when confronted with an issue, you observe the facts as you see them, investigate every possible course of action, then you make your decision and you don't armchair quarterback yourself afterward. My kinda guy. Your job as a pilot required that, and a failure to live up to that standard put people's lives in the balance. So I bet there's not much, if anything, that people in this thread have pointed out to you that you haven't already considered. Good on you, I'm rooting for you guys. I don't have to tell you that no matter how closely you keep tabs on your wife, at the end of the day, R is based on faith that you guys can come out of this in one piece. Maybe you will, maybe you won't, but how will you ever know if you don't try?

Even Beren and Luthien had their darkest of days...


----------



## happyman64

And Dig I know you are angry. How the hell could you not be.

But none of this crap is worth going to jail over.

You do not need the legal hassles or the legal costs of an altercation.

I sometimes recommend a good beat down but in your case if you are angry at Regret just walk away and go for a drive.

Take te time to cool down. If you are angry at the OM just leave him to his STBXW and her attorney.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Anonymous: Hello.*
> 
> Please compute a few more factors into this (above):
> 
> The vast majority of men who come here (TAM) are Betrayed Spouses. Only a small percentage of them are Wayward Spouses themselves.
> 
> But among women who come here, a good percentage (perhaps a higher percentage) of them are WSs themselves, who want to glean an insight into how Betrayed Husband’s minds work.
> 
> To a great extent, the female-bashing instances are more here, because *there probably are more Wayward Wives here than Betrayed Wives, and more Betrayed Husbands than Wayward Husbands.*
> 
> (I am not trying to discount the MCP trends visible everywhere in life).
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Vis a vis Betrayed Husbands who reconcile:
> 
> They can be seen as ‘weaker’ men by others, because they ‘forgave rank betrayal / did not have the strength to move on / accepted second-class status’, etc.
> 
> But anyone who looks deeper can see many of them are far stronger than those who moved on – because they decided to stay and take the acid tests of reconciliation and rebuilding – for the sake of their children / love for the spouse, or to abide by their religious beliefs, or to compensate for their part of the blame in the degeneration of the marriage, or just because it is not in their nature to quit when it gets hard.*
> 
> In between is a grey area where resides men who continue as emotional slaves of abusive spouses, emotionally passive men who just don’t care enough to react, men who think they don’t deserve / can’t do better, men who are too scared of change that they would rather perpetuate a bad existence, and all other sorts of rather miserable men.
> 
> *Whether a Betrayed Husband stayed because he was strong or weak, and whether a Betrayed Husband left because he was strong or weak, is entirely case-based.
> 
> General perception (and one’s own perception of the general perception) is what sometimes riles the Betrayed Husbands who stay.
> 
> And in an irony of life, most / many who leave, regret it. And most / many who stay, regret it too.
> 
> You are a strong one who stayed, I can tell.*


I know that you tend to beat sense into the men who want to stay with emotionally abusive, but not everyone is JB(no offense mate)

All I'm saying is when someone is remorseful and their partner is willing to work things why not let them do so without trying to pour salt into the very wounds they seek to close

There's another poster here, a male poster named Barnowl who's cheated on his wife thrice and is now in the process of reconciling, and I don't see anyone bashing him as much as they're bashing Regret nor is anyone openly wondering how his wife is staying with him like Dig is doing.


----------



## Beowulf

I don't see men who reconcile as being weaker or stronger than men who divorce when face with infidellic betrayal (yes I just made that phrase up). Its a personal choice and depends solely on the one making the decision. I believe in many cases the betrayed has to be strong in order to realize that R will not work and D is the correct path to take. It takes a strong person to let something go you truly love and lets face it we all love(d) our cheating spouses even after they hurt us.

I respect those that serve in the military a great great deal. But I know that I could never serve in the military, at least not voluntarily. I don't have it in me to accept the type of training they require. In essence, I'd probably punch my drill sergeant in the mouth during basic and spend years in prison or dishonorably discharged. But others are strong enough to withstand that training and emerge better men and women for the experience.

In the case of betrayal, I chose to stay with Morrigan and try to reconcile. I originally was not for reconciliation but Morrigan would not hear of not trying. Eventually I began working at R as well and we weathered the storm(s) and came out the other side.

If anyone wants to say that I am weaker because I reconciled after being cheated on I suggest they say it to my face and find out for themselves how weak I really am.


----------



## SomedayDig

Beowulf said:


> If anyone wants to say that I am weaker because I reconciled after being cheated on I suggest they say it to my face and find out for themselves how weak I really am.


I'm pretty much of the same mind.


----------



## warlock07

Beowulf said:


> If anyone wants to say that I am weaker because I reconciled after being cheated on I suggest they say it to my face and find out for themselves how weak I really am.



You are weak
















for Morrigan!!!


----------



## MEM2020

Dig,
This is the post o a mature and in control man.




SomedayDig said:


> Hi everyone, I'm Regret214's husband. I've been a member for several months at another forum, but seeing that she has posted here, we decided that it'd be a good idea for everyone to read my side of this story. So...here we go.
> 
> March 6 was a pretty boring night as alot of them had become. Regret had a late meeting at work and I was home taking care of our kids. I'll never forget my 6 year old daughter sitting on the couch across from me and being sad that Regret wasn't going to be home before she went to bed. She said that she hadn't even seen her at all that day. It really broke my heart.
> 
> Around 8:30 that night, Regret got home and gave me the obligatory kiss hello and then she sat down on her couch to watch some television with me. We watched our show and she went upstairs for bed. I had some business things to take care of, so I stayed up a little later. Right before I went upstairs, I shut down my laptop and then remembered I wanted to check my emails for one more thing. Her laptop was on and open so I just decided to use hers. We both use Google, so it was no big deal. As soon as I opened Gmail, I don't know what told me to do it, but something in my head said to scroll through her emails. I had never done that before and have no idea why I was doing it then.
> 
> And then I saw it. An email of a receipt for a hotel about 25 miles away. I thought that was odd, because when we had done our "date nights" we usually stayed a few miles away. So, I clicked on it and saw that the date was 3/6. I stared at it for a few minutes. Then, I almost puked. I was not just scared. I was horrified at the prospect. I went up to our room and Regret was fast asleep. I dumped the laptop on her lap and asked, "What the F is this?" She was obviously startled and sat up. She looked at the screen and just said, "I don't know. It must be a mistake." I glared at her and asked, "Then tell me who is ***(the xOM's name)." She stammered some more and it was then, I took my lounge pants off and began to put my jeans on. I didn't even look at her and I said, "You realize what I'm doing, right?" She couldn't answer. (Oddly enough, I had looked at her text messages and saw the xOM and his BW's name there)
> 
> I walked downstairs and headed for the front door. My head was swimming. My entire world and everything I knew was crashing down around me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Regret came downstairs and sat on "my" couch (more about that another time). I looked at the front door and then up the stairs to where our children were sleeping. I could barely see through my tears. I was quiet in voice, but extremely harsh in language and I let her have it. It wasn't pretty. I told her to get her phone and bring it to me. I told her to pull the xOM up on her contacts and hand me the phone. I then sent him a text. "Can you call me quick?" He did and I answered and said, "Hi, this is Dig. Wanna tell me what's going on?"
> 
> He hung up. I sent him another text and said I figured that's the kind of coward I was dealing with and he'd better call back if he knew what was best for him. He did. Again, when I get angry...like _really_ angry, I don't get loud. I get quiet. It can be disheartening, I'm sure. He begged me to not tell his wife because he had a family. I said, "Well, mother f'er, so do I." I then told him that if he ever tried to contact my wife in any way shape or form that I would kill him. I then asked him if he truly understood what I was saying to him. He said he understood and he'd be a ghost. I then gave him an ultimatum. He could tell his wife or I would. I told him that he had 10 minutes to do so and I hung up.
> 
> The rest of the night is a blur to me. I was so hurt. Devastated. Crushed. I decided not to walk out the door and I told Regret that if she wanted me to sleep in our bed that she had better go take a shower. It was past midnight by this time. She did. I woke up at 4am and went downstairs and wrote her a letter about how bad things were. I reminded her how for the past several years she had blamed me for every damn thing that was wrong in our marriage. There was so much hurt that I put into that letter.
> 
> A couple days later while we talked about things, I told her that I would be willing to go to MC in an attempt to reconcile our marriage. I wasn't ready to give up _even_ knowing that she had been having this affair for FIVE years.
> 
> There was some trickle truth the first couple months. It set me back each and every damn time. I have to say that was probably some of the most difficult times. The "I didn't want to hurt you" crap hurt me more than most of it!!
> 
> Fast forward to today (yeah, you'll get more of my story as we go along). I hate...absolutely _hate_ how we got to this point of openness and honesty in our marriage. However, I'm glad we're here. Feel free to ask any questions you want. I am an open book. I only ask one thing and that is respect. Regret214 IS my wife. We are working on reconciling our marriage. Please do not disrespect my wife while we're here. I think that is a pretty simple request. I'm not saying to cow tow to her. I'm simply asking that words be chosen wisely. She hurt me more than she could ever hurt you, so in essence, I am the only one with the right to bash her.
> 
> Thanks. Dig


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey

SomedayDig said:


> I'm pretty much of the same mind.


Ok where do you live "wimp":roll eyes: 
but when you have beat me senseless.

Let´s get in to my private plan to vegas,for a boys weekend.

And sense you beat me up the drinks are on you


----------



## Jonesey

Here is what is worryng me with you´r wife´s
Senacrio..

Im boring some *carpenoctem* quite´s
Remorse:

5-year affair that stopped only because she was caught. It didn’t stop because she didn’t want to hurt you anymore. It stopped only because you didn’t allow her to hurt you anymore. The remorse began only when the affair was busted. She herself admits the affair would have continued otherwise.

And yet she says the sex encounters where only 40 times.. Maybe for the first 2 years.

But OM kept calling for another three years. Surly those 40 times can't be included in those meeting´s.

These 2
Emotional Shallowness:

Relatively easy discarding of the OM after 5-year sexual relationship.
She admits it was just sex. In a certain way, that might be a relief to you – it was just physical, and emotionally, you remained her primary partner. On the other hand, that means she has / had the mental orientation to indulge in shallow sex without much care.
Unlikely that that orientation will change / has changed now. She has just decided not to pursue that orientation for now.
Plus, validation through sex has been a personality motif of hers from earlier times. If things go south again between you two at some point, this tendency might rear its head again. You know that.


Callousness / EQ Deficiency:

Continuance of the affair even during / through the OMW’s pregnancy and childbirth.
Putatively, the best moments / memories in the OMW’s life have been fornicated upon by her husband and your wife. Being a woman, not to care much about doing this to another woman, reveals major flaws in empathy and EQ.

must extensly be investigated by a specialized IC..Before any reconciliation takes plays


----------



## SomedayDig

Jonesey said:


> Here is what is worryng me with you´r wife´s
> Senacrio..
> 
> Im boring some *carpenoctem* quite´s
> Remorse:
> 
> 5-year affair that stopped only because she was caught. It didn’t stop because she didn’t want to hurt you anymore. It stopped only because you didn’t allow her to hurt you anymore. The remorse began only when the affair was busted. She herself admits the affair would have continued otherwise.
> 
> And yet she says the sex encounters where only 40 times.. Maybe for the first 2 years.
> 
> But OM kept calling for another three years. Surly those 40 times can't be included in those meeting´s.
> 
> *Regret has detailed each time they met up. While I totally understand how unbelievable it is, this count for the 5 years is accurate. There are certain conditions that happened during the affair that caused them to not see each other for extended periods of time. One of which being around 8 months after my mother died. Other times being when she tried to stop the affair. I promise I'm not trying to just stick up for her, but I do want everyone to know that I indeed know this is true. The cell bill for contacting each other doesn't lie.*
> 
> These 2
> Emotional Shallowness:
> 
> Relatively easy discarding of the OM after 5-year sexual relationship.
> She admits it was just sex. In a certain way, that might be a relief to you – it was just physical, and emotionally, you remained her primary partner. On the other hand, that means she has / had the mental orientation to indulge in shallow sex without much care.
> Unlikely that that orientation will change / has changed now. She has just decided not to pursue that orientation for now.
> Plus, validation through sex has been a personality motif of hers from earlier times. If things go south again between you two at some point, this tendency might rear its head again. You know that.
> 
> *I am extremely aware of this. Quite acutely aware. But that is HER struggle. If she can't maintain her end of the marriage, then we end it. She knows this unequivocally. *
> 
> Callousness / EQ Deficiency:
> 
> Continuance of the affair even during / through the OMW’s pregnancy and childbirth.
> Putatively, the best moments / memories in the OMW’s life have been fornicated upon by her husband and your wife. Being a woman, not to care much about doing this to another woman, reveals major flaws in empathy and EQ.
> 
> must extensly be investigated by a specialized IC..Before any reconciliation takes plays


I will disagree a bit on this part. While her inner being most definitely needs help and work with her IC, I don't think it needs to stop us from working on our reconciliation. If you're saying that in order for us to be fully reconciled she needs to do that work, then...yes...I would agree. But it's kind of like someone once grilled me that being 4 months out I could NOT trust her at all.

So, when do I begin to trust? How can one truly begin to reconcile without having trust at any level?


----------



## Shaggy

SomedayDig said:


> 1. Remorse. Yep, it really sucks that she didn't have an ounce of it until I caught her. Then all of her years of holding onto that crap came out. I struggled a lot in the beginning dealing with this aspect, because she cried so much and I was like...Ummm, excuse me, but I'M the one who got hurt here. She heard me loud and clear that day.
> 
> 2. Respect. When I heard she was banging this guy in MY house (yes its ours, but...) and in MY basement, you can't imagine the rage I had inside. Last night we talked about how the phone calls or texts happened. The would let the phone ring once or twice to let the other know they were available. Well, one time - and I remember it vividly - he called her while I was standing not 2 feet away. She f'ng ANSWERED!! I later asked who it was and she claimed it was her girlfriend. She had sooo little respect for who I was that she answered this f'ng guy right in front of my face. How horribly bold and disrespectful. A few nights before Dday, she and I had a date night. We were going out to dinner, yet while we were making plans and she was sitting on the couch across from me, she was texting this guy saying that the hotel was set. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
> 
> 3. Emotional Shallowness. She was a master. It's how she functioned and compartmentalized everything. I won't go into her history as that is hers to tell, but let's just say this is something she learned a long, long time ago.
> 
> 4. Callousness. Hmmm...I'll refer to the lack of respect I just ranted on up there...lol
> 
> 5. Love. I'll let her answer that. It's not in my capacity to even begin to know why she loves me when she could do what she did seemingly easily.


You've done a very good job of isolating the various issues that she does need to address if you have any hope of surviving.

Her sudden reversal after years of the above actions - especially confirming the hotel for him while on a date with you isn't compartmentalization is honestly evil. 

I don't want to derail your R, but I fear you are in a false R when you reveal details like this. She was far to cold and calculating during the affair. Anyone capable of being that cold and calculating is certainly capable of spending a few months being super wife and doing anything you want to save her own skin.

Have you talked to an IC about the about list? Have you talked to her about it?


----------



## Shaggy

Since your fWW is on here too you can't talk openly about the techniques to use to catch her if she chooses a next affair, BUT you need to think about it and put checks in place to prevent a next time.

From her own words she freely used sex to rope in guys when younger, and her actions the last five years show that in the core of who she is - she is totally able to live a dual life - one of mother/wife and one of remorse/guiltless cheater. 

she's a perfect candidate I guess for an open marriage - since she seems to completely separate sex from emotion, or loyalty.

That's scary because you won't ever know if she's back having sex outside the marriage again by looking at her, or even by talking with her. She is highly practiced at coldly managing her two lives.

So while she is putting a great effort into R, you would be naive not to be building and evolving a game plan to deal with the next time if it did occur. I hope it doesn't. I hope she's sincere.

But fool me once...


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> I will disagree a bit on this part. While her inner being most definitely needs help and work with her IC, I don't think it needs to stop us from working on our reconciliation. If you're saying that in order for us to be fully reconciled she needs to do that work, then...yes...I would agree. But it's kind of like someone once grilled me that being 4 months out I could NOT trust her at all.
> 
> So, when do I begin to trust? How can one truly begin to reconcile without having trust at any level?


Trust has to be earned after something as life altering as infidelity. It is not freely given, and I didn't honestly give any of it until 6-8 months after we decided to attempt to reconcile. I know you have probably noticed that I put "attempt to reconcile" in a lot of my posts. I know myself, and I knew that I would need a good amount of time to decipher whether or not I could do this. I talked to several people on the boards, and they assured me that the last thing I wanted to do was to rush into either solutions ( divorce or reconciliation). I think that was some of the best advice I got here on TAM.


----------



## Shaggy

SomedayDig said:


> So, when do I begin to trust? How can one truly begin to reconcile without having trust at any level?


The old answer that it true is: When she's earned it though hard work and ACTIONS.

Many people who want to R rush to give back trust, which in the way they do it really means complete freedom and a right to secrecy for the WS. That's not trust, trust is when YOU without doubt believe the other person will do the right thing. You know it without question. I know my wife will turn off the tap when the bath is full. I don't doubt it, and I don't feel any need to check it.

This is what leads to many false R's. The BS decides they need to "trust" the WS to make R work, so they return to a life of ignorance and denial, telling themselves they are doing a good thing to help the R. Then some of them get burned because the WS didn't keep their word and returned to cheating. 

Blind trust isn't what is needed here. Earned trust is.


----------



## SomedayDig

I'm at work for a few hours today, so I'm on my cell and can't do all the quote stuff. I'll answer better when I get home in a few hours. Regret is spending the time writing. We had a tough go at it this morning and I basically put it all on the line. Since tonight is a one year anniversary of her going to see the jackass (read the backstory if you need), then tonight she decides to make sure I know everything. If I don't and if there are ANY lies... I'm walking out the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> I'm at work for a few hours today, so I'm on my cell and can't do all the quote stuff. I'll answer better when I get home in a few hours. Regret is spending the time writing. We had a tough go at it this morning and I basically put it all on the line. Since tonight is a one year anniversary of her going to see the jackass (read the backstory if you need), then tonight she decides to make sure I know everything. If I don't and if there are ANY lies... I'm walking out the door.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take it easy Dig. You guys have answered a lot of questions and shared a lot of stuff in a very small amount of time. Rough days will come and go, take some breaths and remember that we are all pulling for you.


----------



## zsu234

I think Shaggy is 100% correct and you are being set up. Do you know if she's done this before? Have you scheduled a poly? 5 year and she all of a sudden done? Be very wary!


----------



## SomedayDig

I'm not being set up. There is no need to spend money I don't have on a polygraph either. It's simple.. Truth or walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Oh, and no she's never done this before.


----------



## TCx

SomedayDig said:


> But it's kind of like someone once grilled me that being 4 months out I could NOT trust her at all.
> 
> So, when do I begin to trust? How can one truly begin to reconcile without having trust at any level?


Good question. Many of the people who assume the role of the 'betrayed' will never be able to R because they can't past the act of betrayal itself. They never look past it. I'm not saying that's good or bad, just that it is and that they have their own lessons to learn and they may not be the same lessons as yours. The most important thing that I see is that you are actively trying to move forward. Good on you!



SomedayDig said:


> No, before the marriage we were constantly together. ... When I was a pilot for the last decade, I was gone away from home sometimes weeks at a time. I think that me being away gave Regret a sense of entitlement to have this scumbag over to my house and gave her the space she needed to accomplish her affair goals.


It also left her feeling very lonely. My job and the time I spend away from my family has been a big contributor to my own EA and what appears to be the impending failure of our R. Like you, my W and I were inseparable but when I started traveling, we drifted apart. I'm seeing the same thing with so many of my other colleagues and their long-time partners; some I'm actively counseling them to quit their job, others I'm not because they are clearly already gone. Loneliness does things to people, and I don't just mean the affair aspect of things. Okay, so maybe you had never strayed, but not everyone is you and you should take that to heart.



SomedayDig said:


> I'm definitely not saying it was my flying job that was at fault. It was however a great way for her to bang this guy since I was never home.


That's the anger talking. Your absence presented the opportunity, something else provided the motive and I don't think it's all just down to her; I'm sorry but no one is perfect [not that you've ever claimed to be]. She has her own issues to work through and so do you.

Since my own EA I've talked to a lot of people who were APs, WS and BS' (all outside of TAM; I have come to believe that TAM is actually pretty toxic alot of the time) and in every successful R to date, the BS has admitted to their own contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. 

One colleague of mine said, _"When I found out that she'd cheated on me, I kicked her out immediately. But, over the course of about a year, I did a lot of thinking and crying and it took a very long time for me to admit to my own failings in my character and in our marriage. I'm not defending what she did but it wasn't all her fault. So, we got back together again and while it has been hard, we are closer than we ever were because now we've figured out how to identify what's wrong and how to communicate it. We didn't know how to do that before."_

From the opposite side of the spectrum, another colleague, whose wife cheated on him and then left him is still, 10 years later, calling her "that b***ch that cheated on me" and he relates how perfect he was and how it came as such a huge surprise. This guy is anything but perfect; he's aggressive, controlling, talks over people, is a proven liar, etc. But he can't admit that to himself; I honestly wonder if he ever will." He's still single and very unsuccessful at relationships.

So far, in my own circle, I have talked to 6 different BS and 8 WS and all have given me a great deal to chew on. What I did find though was that their views on marriage and the responsibilities in it all differed and so I learned not to take any of their advice on marriage.

So when do you trust again? Good question. The answer seems to be different for everyone and getting there is going to take time. But fully agree with you; if you're not willing to trust then it's already over.


----------



## TCx

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> QUOTE: “I hate to admit it, but I was elated when I heard she left him. AND I truly hope she takes him for every f'ng thing he's got. Not just because he's the xOM, but because he is a true scumbag who got caught...felt entitled to live a lie and lost.” UNQUOTE
> 
> That anger is greatly misdirected. Your wife felt entitled to live a lie to the same extent as the XOM, and she is the one who promised to be your committed partner.
> 
> This anger will turn towards HER soon – a period to be careful about, during Reconciliation.


I couldn't agree more and I wish that I could 'Like' this a few hundred times. I'm not going to say that exposure was right or wrong, but I will say that taking delight from another person's suffering is not particularly christian. Life is full of lessons. He's learning his; whether it's "don't sleep with a married person" or "don't get caught" is immaterial.


----------



## SomedayDig

I don't feel very Christian-like for him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCx

lovelygirl said:


> If she hadn't been caught, probably the affair would be still going on..
> If she was able to keep it for 5 years, howcome out of the blue she feels sorry?
> Had it been going for 5 days I could believe she is remorseful.
> 
> ..but 5 years is too much .
> 
> Just saying.


IMHO, respect is harder to give than empathy. If the BS doesn't know about the A, they're not actually being hurt and the consequences of the A are nil on the BS. Lying to your spouse is part of being married... sorry to those of you who disagree, but we all do it. It's mostly little white lies so that we don't destroy the self esteem of the person next to us. I see that as being ingrained in our psyche as married people.

However, when the A is exposed (which I suspect that most APs believe will never happen) the sheer enormity of the hurt caused is so very very real and the BS' self esteem is almost instantly destroyed. It's easy to feel all sorts of emotions then because there is another person projecting the inverse emotions at you.

Having said that, to this day, I don't 'regret' that my EA. I'm glad it happened because the emotional fallout from it has taught me a great deal about myself and my marriage and what it was/is missing. It was the catalyst to so much change in how I deal with everyday life and it has polarized, for me, what I want out of life and the person that I spend it with.

What I do agonize over is what it has done to the people involved and the war that is going on in my head still months later. I agonize with my own contributions to the failures of our marriage and to the behaviors of my spouse. 

Where did i go wrong? Where did she go wrong? Can you forgive yourself? Can you forgive her? Do you even want to forgive either?

And the thing about five year length of the affair is that as time goes by, it gets easier because time heals all wounds. Yeah, she probably felt guilty about it at first and as time went by she probably just got used to it.


----------



## TCx

SomedayDig said:


> I don't feel very Christian-like for him...


I don't blame you. But if you let yourself, you'll get over that too, in time.


----------



## Jonesey

SomedayDig said:


> I will disagree a bit on this part. While her inner being most definitely needs help and work with her IC, I don't think it needs to stop us from working on our reconciliation. If you're saying that in order for us to be fully reconciled she needs to do that work, then...yes...I would agree. But it's kind of like someone once grilled me that being 4 months out I could NOT trust her at all.
> 
> So, when do I begin to trust? How can one truly begin to reconcile without having trust at any level?


Look. My EXWW had a 2year sex affair.And i had zero clue,i really mean ZERO CLUE...I told her unless you start with IC first.
and find out how you managed to pull that of with out me even noticing. MC and reconciliation is pointless..

Im not saying that you should site on your ass and do nothing.

But take baby step towards the desired goal..Like i said before

i don't bay this only 40times. And she kept going because she was week.Oh please..


----------



## Chaparral

anonymouskitty said:


> The two things that I can observe from hanging around here is
> 
> 1.) Women who cheat are bashed mercilessly more so than men who do the same and
> 2.) Men who are willing to reconcile are equated to being less than those men who "up and left rather than withstand the bruise their ego suffered".
> 
> Sigh, its dig's choice to stay or go and we have no right to even wonder about how he's doing it, he's doing it because he's much stronger than the guys with over-inflated egos who simply cannot withstand the damage they suffer. its an individual's choice and we have to respect him for that.


Does it seem like to you that most of the women here who cheat are cold and calculated. While the cheating men act like little boys with their hand caught in the cookie jar?

I think the psychology of men and women is so different, its hard to see how we get along at all sometimes.


----------



## Chaparral

SomedayDig said:


> I'm at work for a few hours today, so I'm on my cell and can't do all the quote stuff. I'll answer better when I get home in a few hours. Regret is spending the time writing. We had a tough go at it this morning and I basically put it all on the line. Since tonight is a one year anniversary of her going to see the jackass (read the backstory if you need), then tonight she decides to make sure I know everything. If I don't and if there are ANY lies... I'm walking out the door.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's more?


----------



## SomedayDig

I'll clarify quick. Last year today, our kids were out at my in-laws giving Regret and I a week together. It was great. Got tattoos done by a friend of ours and had dinner out every night. Riding the Harley all over without bounds.

Until one year ago tonight, she went to see the xOM. In the middle of OUR week.

It's nothing new. It's just painful to remember a date. And I have one of those minds that dates and times and numbers can't seem to get out of my head.


----------



## TCx

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Oh, come on. That is inarguably incorrect. And mercilessly insensitive to every BS in this forum.
> 
> In most cases, when a spouse has an affair, his/her mental and physical energies are majorly diverted to the affair from the marriage. Not to mention financial resources and time, which should ideally be used to nurture the family.


Consider the context of my post. I was responding to a poster that said that she didn't accept that Regret could feel remorse after a 5 year PA. "5 years is too much. Just saying" I don't care whether my statement is correct or not, that is what perceived impact of the A is on the BS from the WS perspective. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm getting my needs met without hurting him".

All of the things that you mention are secondary side effects; they can be justified away because they are all hidden and they incite no direct reaction. STDs are also very likely pushed to the back of the mind because no one ever thinks that it will happen to them... until it does.

So what might happen is that the BS might start to feel 'off' and try to communicate what their feeling but from what I've read and through the conversations I've had with others, they very rarely do that.. they just sink into their only little world but, outwardly, pretend like everything is okay.

Being honest, how often did the OP tell his W, "I miss you and I wish you spent more time with me". Once? Maybe twice? If that, because men don't generally do that... alpha or beta. How often did he ignore her? How often did they have sex when he was traveling? For 5 years he was blissfully unaware (or in denial) of the affair. Or was he? What has he glossed over or rewritten in his own pain?

And please don't say, "What!? He has to tell her that he's lonely and not getting his needs met! So you are saying that it's all just his fault!"

No, I'm _not_ saying the A is his fault. But yes, I am saying that he has to proactively communicate with her when his needs are being met and she has to do likewise. That obviously didn't happen.

So no, I don't feel like I'm being insensitive to BS, I'm giving perspective to someone who doesn't understand that people can actually feel pain and that they don't need to be villains just because they've had extra-marital sex... even if for 5 years.



[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> TCX, You might feel a need to rationalize your own EA/PA as ‘not bad’.


Not in the least. I didn't say that my EA wasn't wrong, just that I don't regret that it happened. I may have felt the need to rationalize it once upon a time, but certainly no longer.



[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> That is your freedom. (In another post here, you also squarely place the blame of the affair on the BS.


I did? I've written a lot of posts (more than 100 as it turns out) but I've never held that view except in some very exceptional cases. There are some cases where I do feel that an affair is 'justified' (arranged marriages being one). If you've taken something that I've posted as saying that an A is the fault of the BS then I suspect that it was taken out of context or I wasn't being clear enough.



[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> But what you stated there (above) is an undiluted insult to every Betrayed Spouse here, who have been dragged through living hell during her/his spouse’s affair.


I'm sorry you took it that way... ie - wrongly.


----------



## TCx

chapparal said:


> I think the psychology of men and women is so different, its hard to see how we get along at all sometimes.


Much like the BS vs WS camps actually.


----------



## iheartlife

SomedayDig said:


> It's nothing new. It's just painful to remember a date. And I have one of those minds that dates and times and numbers can't seem to get out of my head.


I know what you mean . . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

iheartlife said:


> I know what you mean . . .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been said to have an eidetic memory. I don't know. Regret and friends and family laugh at it, because when asked a trivia question, they can see me stare off while I access the image in my head to give them the answer.

It kind of f'ng sucks moose balls at times.

I see a series of numbers a dozen times a day. Though they never seem to be the lotto numbers needed for the mega millions. I see time and dates and all sorts of crap, but sometimes forget when my son's Tae Kwon Do class starts.

A lot of people say they'd love to have the ability. I think its partly a curse!


----------



## lovelygirl

SomedayDig said:


> I'm not being set up. There is no need to spend money I don't have on a polygraph either. It's simple.. Truth or walk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Oh, and no she's never done this before.


The thing is that you'll never be able to know if she told you the 100% truth.
She was able to act like nothing was happening for 5 years so I wouldn't be surprised if this R is part of the act.

A poly would help a lot more, given her history.


----------



## TCx

lovelygirl said:


> The thing is that you'll never be able to know if she told you the 100% truth.
> She was able to act like nothing was happening for 5 years so I wouldn't be surprised if this R is part of the act.
> 
> A poly would help a lot more, given her history.


And this is exactly why I think that TAM is toxic... 

I get that your intentions are good and that you're trying to look out for him but you are actively character assassinating his wife at a time when they both have said that they want to R and after he's already said that he doesn't want a polygraph.

Do you not think that he's already considered what you've said? Do you actually think he's that naive? What you are doing is feeding his fears and his doubts and you are sowing dissent between them. Exactly what is your agenda?

I'm going to guess that you're a BS so given your own experience do you think that he's ever going to forget that she lied to him? No, I thought not. So, might I suggest a more constructive post like...

"Well, if you still have serious doubts, a polygraphy could be an effective way of determining if she's lying to you. In that case, the apparent accuracy of a poly test might help reassure you if your mind is ill at ease."

See the difference?

Truthfully though, if you have to resort to a poly, I suspect that any attempt at R is pointless. A poly is a snapshot in time. What are you going to do, haul out a poly every time you become insecure about their behavior? You'd be living in a prison of your own making and I suspect that you'd be miserable.

PS - you already made the point about the 5-year lie. So why are you bringing it up again in the same thread?


----------



## SomedayDig

lovelygirl said:


> The thing is that you'll never be able to know if she told you the 100% truth.
> She was able to act like nothing was happening for 5 years so I wouldn't be surprised if this R is part of the act.
> 
> A poly would help a lot more, given her history.


*Who can ever know if anyone tells the 100% truth? Yes, she was able to hide the affair for 5 years. I know. This has been beat to death here. Do you not think I know and fully comprehend this? As I said in another thread - if someone has a ONS and is not found out until 5 years later, is it any different than Regret? I don't think so. It's still a lie and deception that has lasted 5 years.*



TCx said:


> And this is exactly why I think that TAM is toxic...
> 
> I get that your intentions are good and that you're trying to look out for him but you are actively character assassinating his wife at a time when they both have said that they want to R and after he's already said that he doesn't want a polygraph.
> 
> Do you not think that he's already considered what you've said? Do you actually think he's that naive? What you are doing is feeding his fears and his doubts and you are sowing dissent between them. Exactly what is your agenda?
> 
> I'm going to guess that you're a BS so given your own experience do you think that he's ever going to forget that she lied to him? No, I thought not. So, might I suggest a more constructive post like...
> 
> "Well, if you still have serious doubts, a polygraphy could be an effective way of determining if she's lying to you. In that case, the apparent accuracy of a poly test might help reassure you if your mind is ill at ease."
> 
> See the difference?
> 
> Truthfully though, if you have to resort to a poly, I suspect that any attempt at R is pointless. A poly is a snapshot in time. What are you going to do, haul out a poly every time you become insecure about their behavior? You'd be living in a prison of your own making and I suspect that you'd be miserable.
> 
> PS - you already made the point about the 5-year lie. So why are you bringing it up again in the same thread?


TCx...thank you. It's good to see when someone gets it. As the BS it is extremely difficult when the same point tries to get made multiple times. Actually, it can get quite upsetting and I can honestly say I can't count how many times I've been triggered reading innuendo about Regret or how "horrible" she is and even one poster who said in our Q&A thread that he "HOPES WE DON'T R". WTF is wrong with people sometimes?!


----------



## EI

SomedayDig said:


> * WTF is wrong with people sometimes?!*


*


What's wrong with people is that they project their situations onto everyone else. It would seem that there is a "one size fits all mentality" for many betrayed spouses and many of the cheating spouses, alike, on TAM. When, in fact, there are as many different reasons for affairs as there are people who have them. Dig, you are the only person who can decide if your life will be better off with or without being married to your wife. TAM is a resource, and like all resources, take what you need/want and leave the rest behind. There are a few posters on here who spew the same negative spin for every single situation, when it is obvious that not every situation is the same. In fact, no two are alike. Sometimes, taking a break for a day or two from here is helpful. 

You and your wife will work through this, one way or another, and will make the decisions that are best for you and your family. No one else really matters. Like Acabado often says, "hang tough"!

“So now I know what I have to do. I have to keep breathing. And tomorrow the sun will rise, and who knows what the tide will bring in.” - Cast Away*


----------



## Badblood

The decisions to R or D should and are made by the participants, and nobody else. All advice , should be taken, processed and accepted or rejected, but remember, that the posters are almost universally trying to help, each from his own place. Regardless of whether you take or leave the advice, it is kindly meant, and should be kindly and politely received.


----------



## TCx

SomedayDig said:


> WTF is wrong with people sometimes?!


Her heart is in the right place, in her own way she's trying to protect you. It's just the pain and the fact that so many here have not healed and I often wonder how much TAM contributes to that. If you surround yourself with people in pain, you will never heal. I often wonder how many marriages have been destroyed by TAM; at least as many as has been saved I'd wager.

I think TAM can be good for getting some initial perspective but I don't think it's a good place to hang out during an R. Not because everyone is insensitive, but some people are and they really don't understand just how powerful (and dangerous) their words can be.

I came to TAM because I had no one to talk to and my entire world was collapsing around me. What I got were about 3-4 people actually helping with constructive discussion and tough love. Some others, while their heart was in the right place, attacked my character while also trying to give me advice and to get me to see my BS' plight. The remaining few simply said, 'D; your W deserves better than you', 'you are scum', 'you are destroying your W', etc, etc, etc. I haven't read Regret's thread but I'm betting she got much of the same.

She's not a terrible person. She did something wrong and she made a mistake. IMHO, if she can integrate those two things together in herself and really believe it then the two of you have a chance. She's the submissive right now but unless she also heals, she will kill your M just as easily as you will if you don't heal. The decision to heal is up to both of you.

My advice is to get Regret off of this site. The amount of negativity that she's going to get is going to damage her and is going to affect the outcomes of this process. You are both in very vulnerable emotional states right now and TAM isn't going to help her at all. Even some positive support for her is going to be overshadowed by the negative. Whatever she's needed to hear from TAM, she's very likely heard already. I'd suggest she gets into IC; there is probably all sorts of hurt, fear and self loathing going through her head right now. I'd recommend that you get IC also. 

TAM actually damaged me more than it helped and I didn't see it until I got very far away from here. MC helped me more than anything, though If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have done IC at the same time as MC to help sort my own brain out before subjecting my W to some of the stuff I said during MC.

To answer your question though; "what's wrong with [some] people sometimes"?


Some people forget just how powerful their words can be. Because they have "been there", that gives them a degree of 'credibility' in the mind of the newly 'broken' as an 'authority'... they don't understand just how dangerous they can be when they speak without thinking.
Most (if not all) are not trained in relationship counseling... they have no authority, nor should they in your mind. They have experiences to offer but their advice about yours or Regret's character should be summarily ignored. Whether you challenge them or not is up to you. Get the different perspectives and digest them, but don't put any real weight into them.
Very few BS' will have any empathy at all for Regret's own emotional state. In fact, if she suffers, some [only a few] will be downright happy about it (ie - "That ***** deserves to suffer after what she did to him"; these people will never heal until they let this anger go). She is the embodiment of all of their own pain; a living trigger that they can continue to beat upon
People who are farther along in their journey through this often forget about the amount of time it took them to get where they are today.
Misery breeds more misery; negativity breeds more negativity. Some here don't realize just how much they damage themselves through this process of negative propagation.
Some people here will sympathize with your situation, but they won't sympathize with you.
People don't think until you challenge them to. (In some ways, this is both the benefit and detriment of TAM; everyone challenges everything... they just don't always do it in the right way)
People forget that it just takes one negative comment, phrased just the right [aka wrong] way, to destroy days of positive progress.

Anyways, you're in for a long journey of ups and downs and hopefully you can weed out the islands of negativity. However, if certain people make you trigger repeatedly, then you can always add them to you ignore list (UserCP -> Edit Ignore List). 

Even announcing something in your thread like, "I'm sorry XYZ but your posts aren't helping my frame of mind right now. I'm going to put you on my ignore list for a couple of weeks. Please understand that this isn't personal, I just need to get away from you for a little while. I'm really sorry."


----------



## TCx

PS - lovelygirl - please don't mistake my above post as being directed at you or being about you specifically. It's just a general commentary about some of the things that I've seen and experienced on TAM. But the last thing I want to do is have you think that this is how I view you or any one individual on this site.


----------



## Badblood

TCx, throwing out the baby with the bathwater? TAM is exactly what you make it, nothing more, nothing less. I don't believe that any poster has claimed to be a professional counselor, unless like AffairCare, they actually are. Negative? Compared to what? Positive? Compared to what? The TAM forum is exactly that, a forum, where everybody, BS,WS, OP, can relate their stories and get feedback. Nobody has ever said that you are required to take the advice presented, nor has anybody forced anybody else to participate. This is a voluntary forum, you can stay or leave as you choose, but to expect blanket agreement is unlikely and IMO not conductive to free expression of ideas.


----------



## TCx

Badblood said:


> TCx, throwing out the baby with the bathwater?


No.



Badblood said:


> TAM is exactly what you make it, nothing more, nothing less.


I completely agree. But people can also forget all of this when they are in pain, when they are searching for something, be it help, perspective or for someone to make a decision for them. They are seeking advice and this place gives a lot of it. Some of it is really bad. People can also come here when they might not be used to the dynamics of a public forum.



Badblood said:


> I don't believe that any poster has claimed to be a professional counselor, unless like AffairCare, they actually are. Negative? Compared to what? Positive? Compared to what? The TAM forum is exactly that, a forum, where everybody, BS,WS, OP, can relate their stories and get feedback. Nobody has ever said that you are required to take the advice presented, nor has anybody forced anybody else to participate. This is a voluntary forum, you can stay or leave as you choose, but to expect blanket agreement is unlikely and IMO not conductive to free expression of ideas.


I fully agree and nowhere did I state otherwise. But perception is reality. All I'm saying is that some people shoot from the hip and see whether they hit the target (spray and pray), rather than aim at the target and squeeze the trigger.


----------



## Badblood

Then , by all means, don't take their advice. If a poster takes advice that he/she doesn't agree with, who's fault is that? You can't have it both ways, either it's a free forum or it's PC. If all the advice you get is pablum, how much value can it have? I do agree that If a poster is hurting, then perhaps that poster should not be on a forum at all.


----------



## lovelygirl

To be honest, TCx I was offended by your reply to my post because it was simply rude and sarcastic between the lines. 

_Regret_ is no different than any other cheater so this doesn't make her worse or better. Nobody was trying to make her appear like a bad person or anything. I didn't say she's a horrible person and if you confuse me with someone else then it's not my fault. I never tried to make her look that way. 

If you choose to come on TAM, you'll get all type of answers/replies and advices. It's up to YOU what to take into account and what to ignore. You can't stop people from posting or ask them to post the way you want them to. 
It's a forum and people have the freedom of speech as long as they don't break the rules. 

Also _SomedayDig_, having a ONS is different from having a 5 year affair. They are not different in the sense that they are both lies and fraudulence but they are different in the sense that a 5 year affair hurts more than a ONS because a ONS *could just be an unconscious drunken mistake*. On the other hand a 5 year affair _is a fully conscious choice_ that you make for a 5 year period of time and you're well-aware of what you're doing.


People here on TAM just want to make sure you're not putting yourself in the middle of a false R.


----------



## Chaparral

When an OP senses there is something awry with a post/suggestion, click on the posters screen name,click on their public profile and check out some of their other posts. Quite a few posters constantly give the same negative advice. Particularly to those trying to reconcile. 

To suggest TAM has ruined a lot of marriages is somethng I haven't seen in the last year. Infidelity ruins marriages. Only 35%of marriages in the US survive infidelity. Thats an average and it depends on which spouse strays as to the real odds.

When you see as many false reconcilliations as we have seen here, the advise to divorce is not that hard to believe though I am pro R if there are children. The ones that have suffered the most are those that forgave and were thrown under the bus once again.

Remember, some of the advice comes from people who shed their cheating partner and found someone wonderful so they think that is the logical choice.

Some people advise divorce thinking it will make the pain go away, it doesn't, and if kids are invloved they can't even get away from their spouse.


----------



## SomedayDig

Lovelygirl...I understand that people here do NOT want Regret and I to be in a false reconciliation. I totally get that. However, once more - how many times are posters going to continue to try to force into my head that Regret had a 5 year affair and that's a really long time to have an affair? Seriously. I totally understand how f'd up that is. I don't need to have it thrown in my face every few pages.

As for the ONS example...well, I honestly don't agree. Drunk or not someone knows they are married. A mistake does not happen when they have a ONS. A mistake is when you burn toast. You don't mistakenly trip over your underwear and fall into someone's crotch. I don't see any difference between a ONS, a one week, one month or twenty year affair.

But that's just me.


----------



## SomedayDig

chapparal said:


> Remember, some of the advice comes from people who shed their cheating partner and found someone wonderful so they think that is the logical choice.


Spot on. But the one's _offering_ that advice think it's the _only_ way and get bent if you don't listen to them.

I'm all for open and honest discussion. I enjoy it. Don't think that I don't read all the comments given and not at least think about what was said. I do.


----------



## Chaparral

Most affairs last less than three years. I think this one was intermittent and continuing simply because of enertia. I think that is why your wife is so relieved to be out of it and stop all the subterfuge and wants to get back to what she believes she really is.


----------



## SomedayDig

Again, Chap...you get it. See, the image I think that is out there is that Regret was banging this guy every week for 5 years. I know that is not the case. I've looked at ALL of the text records from our cell company. It is clear that in the beginning they saw each other at the most 3 times within a 2 month span. That was the "hot and heavy" beginning. The majority of the time they saw each other on average every other month (save for the 7 month span after my mother died and she refused to see him).

Trust me, man...that doesn't make her ANY better. However, the innuendo that she's lying and that the count of her banging this guy is wrong. I wouldn't put out there that I've seen the text times and dates if I hadn't seen the text times and dates. They are here in black and white.

But again, Regret just read this over my shoulder and said out loud - he's totally got me (referring to you).


----------



## lovelygirl

SomedayDig said:


> As for the ONS example...well, I honestly don't agree. Drunk or not someone knows they are married. A mistake does not happen when they have a ONS. A mistake is when you burn toast. You don't mistakenly trip over your underwear and fall into someone's crotch. I don't see any difference between a ONS, a one week, one month or twenty year affair.


Sure. We can agree to disagree.
I've always said that there is no excuse even for a ONS because even when drunk, someone is conscious enough to understand what they're doing. 
Although, there is a _slight_ chance that one might not be conscious while drunk *compared* to a 5 year affair. That was my point. 

Still there is no excuse for neither of them.

On the other hand, if you and Regret decided to head towards R I wish you all the best!


----------



## SomedayDig

lovelygirl said:


> Although, there is a _slight_ chance that one might not be conscious while drunk *compared* to a 5 year affair. That was my point.


Understood and I agree to a point. Yes. The fact that someone chooses a ONS (drunk or otherwise) is different than choosing to do it over a length of time. Totally understood.

My point would be about the lies (that's a big hangup for me with this crap, to be honest). The lie...not the number of times, is what is most painful.


----------



## Davelli0331

Dig, I'm going to be honest with you, brother: I wonder if you need to take a break from TAM.

When I came to CWI to deal with my W's infidelity, I posted, and got lots of great POVs and advice. After that and by the time we got through MC, TBH, I was _sick_ of talking about it. Sick of talking about it, thinking about it, analyzing it, all that. I was ready to just freakin' get on with it and see if we could make it. I have no delusions, even have the lawyer's number on speed dial, but that's just part of it.

I think it's great that you and your W came on here and have started these threads, but I wonder if the repeated dissection of your W's affair and the R you guys hope to achieve has passed the point of usefulness/helpfulness to you. If you'll notice, the tone of almost all the threads you guys started has shifted from whatever the OP was about to both of you defending R. That should tell you something. Remember, your decision is your decision, and you don't owe explanations to internet strangers. However, if you continue to post here, no matter how well you've thought out your answers, people will be able to poke holes in it. That's the advantage and disadvantage of crowd-sourcing these sorts of things, but once you've made a decision, it becomes more of a handicap as it leads to endless armchair quarterbacking of every word, action, and decision that you make.


----------



## SomedayDig

Davelli...thanks, man. Seriously. I appreciate your advice and I do think I'll take a break for a bit. Maybe check in but not be active as much. I can definitely say that I have poured a lot of time into answering questions (initially) and discussing things, but that time could be spent sitting outside enjoying life, too.

Thanks.


----------



## Almostrecovered

stay strong
be vigilant
and bond


You and I have similar personalities my friend, I think you will be fine


----------



## SomedayDig

Shaggy said:


> You've done a very good job of isolating the various issues that she does need to address if you have any hope of surviving.
> 
> Her sudden reversal after years of the above actions - especially confirming the hotel for him while on a date with you isn't compartmentalization is honestly evil.
> 
> I don't want to derail your R, but I fear you are in a false R when you reveal details like this. She was far to cold and calculating during the affair. Anyone capable of being that cold and calculating is certainly capable of spending a few months being super wife and doing anything you want to save her own skin.
> 
> Have you talked to an IC about the about list? Have you talked to her about it?


Shaggy...I'm sorry I never answered this, man. I was at work when I read it and then the thread got ahead of me. 

I know you don't want to derail the work that I've done, and I hope you saw my response about her being cold and calculating in my reply earlier.

As to your questions: Yes, this did come up in MC and was discussed a lot. Initially, the MC seemed to more focus on me and my issues but then she got a clue and started asking Regret a whole lot more about things.

As for talking to Regret about the list...absolutely. I wouldn't hold back anything from her like this. Especially this stuff! I want her to know how I truly feel about all of those things and how her affair caused me to literally question my own sanity and try to look for ways to fix myself all these years - when she was the one who was broken.

Yes. We talk about all of these things sometimes daily, believe it or not. That is the main reason I don't think this is a false reconciliation. That is why I have defended her at times.


----------



## Badblood

chapparal said:


> When an OP senses there is something awry with a post/suggestion, click on the posters screen name,click on their public profile and check out some of their other posts. Quite a few posters constantly give the same negative advice. Particularly to those trying to reconcile.
> 
> To suggest TAM has ruined a lot of marriages is somethng I haven't seen in the last year. Infidelity ruins marriages. Only 35%of marriages in the US survive infidelity. Thats an average and it depends on which spouse strays as to the real odds.
> 
> When you see as many false reconcilliations as we have seen here, the advise to divorce is not that hard to believe though I am pro R if there are children. The ones that have suffered the most are those that forgave and were thrown under the bus once again.
> 
> Remember, some of the advice comes from people who shed their cheating partner and found someone wonderful so they think that is the logical choice.
> 
> Some people advise divorce thinking it will make the pain go away, it doesn't, and if kids are invloved they can't even get away from their spouse.


Chaps post is spot on. I went throught the halls of hell with my Ex wife. First the affair, then false R, then her suicide attempt, then her (and her family's) near constant begging and pleading to R, then the decision to D, then my support of her while she was institutionalized.......and it seemed like there would never be an end to it all. THEN, thank God I met my new Lady, and realized what I had been missing, by just having a good old-fashioned, stress-free love affair. I am pro-marriage, really I am, but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody. If I come across as harsh , it's because I truly hope that Dig and Regret can become better people, regardless of the marriage, and NOT to be defined by it.


----------



## SomedayDig

Z...I appreciate your honesty there and I don't see what you wrote as a threadjack at all. It IS part of the ongoing discussion.

1. Totally understood, however let us not forget that Regret and I have been working on this since March 6th and not my join date. If you tag on her name you can find her very first post in TAM. I think it's eye opening, personally. Regardless, my desire to reconcile may have been premature compared to a lot of stories here. I didn't become part of a forum (a different site) until the end of April. I didn't know about the 180 or the fog or anything until then. Don't think, however, that I didn't incorporate some of those ideals after the fact. I did. And proof of that happened this weekend.

2. Thank you. That is truly heart felt.

3. Thank you. I honestly do love her. That love was extremely difficult to see though, in the initial weeks of this garbage thrown in my lap.

4. She snapped out hard. I have seen this. I have seen the true Regret (play on words) in her eyes. I have seen the remorse. AND I saw the love break through her eyes that were once cloudy.


----------



## SomedayDig

Badblood said:


> Chaps post is spot on. I went throught the halls of hell with my Ex wife. First the affair, then false R, then her suicide attempt, then her (and her family's) near constant begging and pleading to R, then the decision to D, then my support of her while she was institutionalized.......and it seemed like there would never be an end to it all. THEN, thank God I met my new Lady, and realized what I had been missing, by just having a good old-fashioned, stress-free love affair. I am pro-marriage, really I am, but I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody. If I come across as harsh , it's because *I truly hope that Dig and Regret can become better people, regardless of the marriage, and NOT to be defined by it*.



I think this is where you have misinterpreted the Regret and Dig story/relationship. From the very beginning one of the things we spoke of most was the need to be individuals and NOT be defined by our relationship/marriage. I remember distinctly having a conversation with Regret early on when I told her, "I am 31 years old. I've lived that long without you. I don't _need_ you. But I love you."

THAT. In the end. Is my honest and true feelings on marriage.


----------



## Badblood

OK, Dig. Not a problem. I just hope that you have better luck with your R than I did. Failing at R (false R) is almost worse than the original infidelity, in fact it might even be worse. Believe me, my ex had far,far mor issues than Regret does, so I think , as long as you are vigilant, that your chance is better than mine was.


----------



## DawnD

How are you today Dig? Feeling good?


----------



## Acabado

> The majority of the time they saw each other on average every other month (save for the 7 month span after my mother died and she refused to see him)


Very interesting. She refused. What do you make out of it? How/why did she decided to restart it? It was the perfect oportunity to get out. Surely she had time to think, to reevaluate herself, the marriage. She could snap. She restarted it. Did she just cave in under OM persuit or she chose to initiate that call.
We are very complex criatures.


----------



## SomedayDig

Great stuff Acabado. I'll respond when I get home, but I wanted you to know I saw the question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig

Z...I don't know if you're Leo Tolstoy, the Buddah or Mr. Miyagi!

LOL. I'm just messing with you, but I'm not going to be able to read everything just yet. I don't want to spend much time on here this afternoon, but I promise I will read all of your response.


----------



## SomedayDig

Acabado said:


> Very interesting. She refused. What do you make out of it? How/why did she decided to restart it? It was the perfect oportunity to get out. Surely she had time to think, to reevaluate herself, the marriage. She could snap. She restarted it. Did she just cave in under OM persuit or she chose to initiate that call.
> We are very complex criatures.


Yes. We are all very complex. My mother died in the beginning of July '09. Regret did not see the xOM until after the New Year's of '10. She definitely had time to reflect and fully cut it off. Unfortunately, and this is according to her AND the cell bill, he texted her often during this time, but she didn't respond until around November '09. Regret didn't initiate phone calls after '07 - again, in black and white on our phone bills.

Did she cave in under the xOM's pursuit? No. She caved in to her own self. Her own ego and selfishness. THAT is what she caved in to.


----------



## warlock07

What phone did she have during this time? Lot of smart phones have call calling capabilities over the data plan or Wi-fi. How did you rule these out?


----------



## SomedayDig

She always had dumb phones until she got her Droid back in November. And yes...I did actually take her phone after Dday and run text restore programs on it. Unfortunately, they didn't pull the texts, but again - all I can go by is the cell bill which seems to hold up her telling me what, where and when. Mind you...she did NOT know I was looking at those cell bills. I had figured out the password to the company and she had no idea I had access. It is one of the reasons why I started trusting SOME of the things she initially told me.


----------



## SomedayDig

By the way...she never threw away her dumb phones. I charged every one of them up and on only 1 did she forget to delete a text. Regret had told him no, so his response was "Well, how about X (date I don't remember)" and "Please think about it" and "What about next week". Those were the only texts I have ever really seen except for the ones he sent about their final night.


----------



## carpenoctem

SomedayDig said:


> Z...I don't know if you're Leo Tolstoy, the Buddah or Mr. Miyagi!
> 
> LOL. I'm just messing with you, but I'm not going to be able to read everything just yet. I don't want to spend much time on here this afternoon, but I promise I will read all of your response.



Dig:

I was just responding to TCx on some aspects of his post.

You please don't bother to read those long posts (just in case anything sets you back / triggers you).

have a good day today.


----------



## SomedayDig

DawnD said:


> How are you today Dig? Feeling good?


Just finished going out to dinner with Regret and hanging out at our favorite dive.

I'm f'ng awesome!!

(maybe post coital bliss and all seeing as the kids aren't here, too :smthumbup


----------



## DawnD

SomedayDig said:


> Just finished going out to dinner with Regret and hanging out at our favorite dive.
> 
> I'm f'ng awesome!!
> 
> (maybe post coital bliss and all seeing as the kids aren't here, too :smthumbup


GO FOR IT! hhahaha:smthumbup:


----------



## Badblood

Nothing like a dive bar to waste a few hours and detox. Hope you had a good time. Gf and I are doing Jazz bars this weekend, to celebrate my ex's move to California.


----------



## SomedayDig

Dive bars are best. A long time ago we were in Naples, FL for a visit and went out to dinner in the really nice downtown area. We got all dressed up for it and everything. Afterwards, we decided to go for a drink and wound up driving out of downtown and down, what I remember was a very dark road. Saw a dive bar and we pulled in. Great rock n' roll on the jukebox and pool tables. We literally looked at each other and said...ahhhh...just like home.

By the way, we're gonna do a brew pub up in another town nearby. They do a jazz and blues night. Can't wait.


----------



## Badblood

SomedayDig said:


> Dive bars are best. A long time ago we were in Naples, FL for a visit and went out to dinner in the really nice downtown area. We got all dressed up for it and everything. Afterwards, we decided to go for a drink and wound up driving out of downtown and down, what I remember was a very dark road. Saw a dive bar and we pulled in. Great rock n' roll on the jukebox and pool tables. We literally looked at each other and said...ahhhh...just like home.
> 
> By the way, we're gonna do a brew pub up in another town nearby. They do a jazz and blues night. Can't wait.


Pub crawling is my second favorite sport.


----------



## SomedayDig

Badblood said:


> Pub crawling is my second favorite sport.


Are you and I in R now?

:rofl:


----------



## Badblood

As long as you send NC letters to all of the other posters.


----------



## SomedayDig

LMAO! I'll start a new thread. I hope Regret understands.


----------



## MEM2020

This - respect - it is just so critical. And it is the difference between legitimate "consequences" and emotional abuse. 




SomedayDig said:


> Complete transparency. Previous to Dday, I didn't even know the password to our cell company. Now, I've got access to everything and anything. She has a GPS tracker on her phone that SHE installed on her own. There are no guy friends and definitely no girls night out - not that that would happen as the only one's she did that with were the former friends.
> 
> This is in addition to communication. We talk on a daily basis about everything and anything. Nothing is "sacred" and to be honest, it really shouldn't be. If you can't discuss something with your spouse, then a serious look-see needs to happen. Hell, I'll even talk about when her next period is during an MC session - and I have!! LOL
> 
> Respect. This goes both ways believe it or not, and even being the BS in this instance, I still have to respect my wife. Yes, what she did was horrific to our marriage and even our friendship. That, however, doesn't give me the right to treat her like a doormat. Oh, I've said some not so pretty things to her, but I did so with a tough love attitude and it wasn't simple retaliation. I did that 3 days after Dday when I walked out of the house and drove away. I screamed at her at the top of my lungs that night. I got a lot out. Yet, in the end, that's not me and not my style. It's not that I'm a religious nutbag or whatever someone might want to call me...but I believe in forgiveness (something Regret hasn't truly gotten from me yet). I believe in doing good things.
> 
> So, being transparent, communication and mutual respect are the boundaries we have set on our new marriage. I hope that answers your questions.


----------



## SomedayDig

I asked Regret on our drive home today a simple, but poignant question: Did you ever think I would get suspicious or worry that I might catch on to your affair.

I thought her answer was pretty scary to be honest. She said she never really thought about it. It didn't really matter because she didn't think about me catching her. She said there were times she thought I might question her, but that was only a few times.

See, to me that kind of goes along with the current track this thread has taken. While what she did wasn't necessarily malicious, it was a horrible way to treat me, her husband. She didn't go bang the guy to hurt me. She went to bang the guy cuz it made her feel good.

I would give serious pause to reconciliation if I felt as if she in any way did this to punish me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> I would give serious pause to reconciliation if I felt as if she in any way did this to punish me


Man, dunno. I have ZERO dubts most affairs, certainly a LTA, has a huge component of pusnishment. Sure enough it's also f0ck "all" but the punishment is evident. As a matter of fact, wasn't her always complaining about your shortcomings, your behavior and putting her unhappyness on you the whole time? How is it you don't get the gigantic, passive agressive pusnishment f0ck you!


----------



## SomedayDig

Point taken Acabado. Yeah, I totally get your complaining stuff and putting her crap on me. Oh, boy...do I get that!!

Maybe its hard for me to call it malicious, because I see that as intent to hurt. The putting crap on me, I think, was pure defense mechanism. Don't think for one second though that I excused her. No f'ng way. Matter of fact, I told her that she had to talk to her parents and tell them that all the times she blamed on me - it was her fault. I was there when she told them. They were taken aback, but supportive. We have chosen, for now, to not tell them the specifics. If it ever came to divorce, obviously, they would know. I think with our reconciliation it isn't pertinent. Her sister knows and I don't really have any family.


----------



## Acabado

> I told her that she had to talk to her parents and tell them that all the times she blamed on me - it was her fault. I was there when she told them. They were taken aback, but supportive


WOW. I think it's really GREAT. Huge. This is remorse on action, making amends, restoring truth.:smthumbup:

They "know".


----------



## warlock07

SomedayDig said:


> I asked Regret on our drive home today a simple, but poignant question: Did you ever think I would get suspicious or worry that I might catch on to your affair.
> 
> I thought her answer was pretty scary to be honest. She said she never really thought about it. It didn't really matter because she didn't think about me catching her. She said there were times she thought I might question her, but that was only a few times.
> 
> See, to me that kind of goes along with the current track this thread has taken. While what she did wasn't necessarily malicious, it was a horrible way to treat me, her husband. She didn't go bang the guy to hurt me. She went to bang the guy cuz it made her feel good.
> 
> I would give serious pause to reconciliation if I felt as if she in any way did this to punish me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't know Dig. Isn't this the best answer that she can give you now ? From what you and Regret posted, I thought it was her punishment to you. It was her big F U to you during this time. How can you think otherwise?

Maybe I am cynical but her answers are always optimized to the situation. (Now don't go back to how you verified the phone records proof, I know ). I think there is an element of self preservation, if not malice and dishonesty.

How do you think her parents would react to the affair ?


----------



## SomedayDig

They would be crushed. Period. They don't need that in their mid 70's. I don't care what anyone says about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EI

warlock07 said:


> How do you think her parents would react to the affair ?





SomedayDig said:


> They would be crushed. Period. They don't need that in their mid 70's. I don't care what anyone says about that.


I agree with Dig. It would be different if the A was still going on and they were, somehow, unwittingly being complicit in enabling it to continue. Like for example, if Regret was complaining about Dig and asking them to cover for her whereabouts so that she could just "have some time away." Then, there would be a valid reason to tell them, but under the circumstances there is none. Her parents didn't do anything wrong..... they shouldn't have to suffer.


----------



## Acabado

They know Dig. Why the hell suddenly their daughter is recanting all her complains about you for years and years? Did evil/begecful/selfish son in law forced her to make such a 180? What does he have against her so severe? What can it be? They sure know.


----------



## TCx

Acabado said:


> They know Dig. Why the hell suddenly their daughter is recanting all her complains about you for years and years? Did evil/begecful/selfish son in law forced her to make such a 180? What does he have against her so severe? What can it be? They sure know.


I dunno. I think that it would depend on their own personal experience. Until coming to this site and having my own EA I wouldn't have recognized the signs. And there's something to be said for the denial that even parents can go through.


----------



## SomedayDig

I honestly don't think they have the first clue as to what Regret did. I'd say they now know there have been major problems, but I'd say they don't see, or rather wouldn't WANT to see what she was capable of. Unless they ask outright about an affair, we're not saying anything about it.
They live over 200 miles away most of the time and then 1500 miles away the other part. They certainly don't see any kind of day to day interactions between us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCx

SomedayDig said:


> Unless they ask outright about an affair, we're not saying anything about it.


And how you handle this is your decision.


----------



## SomedayDig

warlock07 said:


> How do you think her parents would react to the affair ?


They most definitely were crushed. Regret told them shortly before our visit over the holidays. They were both in tears, but told us that they support whatever decision we make.

I wanted to comment on this thread because I was reading it this morning...just a year past Dday and comment more on "My Side of the Story".

There are so many emotions that we as the betrayed go through that it is almost insurmountable. As we've gone through our reconciliation, I've listened to Regret (and read from other WS's here on TAM) talk about the pain that she has for what she did. I don't want to sound too harsh, and I've said this to her but...the WS deals with guilt. While that may be a difficult emotion, they don't deal with mind movies, betrayal, deception or a myriad of other things that the one who was betrayed does. Yes, they can hurt, but it is nothing like what we go through.

The morning after Dday, a friend and I had started a new business. A diner. Imagine if you will, knowing all of the legal and even social aspects of putting together a diner in a small town area for months...getting stuff ready to open the doors and welcome people in...and literally the night before going through Dday. I may have had 2 hours of sleep. I remember being flat out running on adrenaline. I remember seeing my partner the morning after Dday and minutes before our grand opening and him asking, "Are we ready?"

I told him about the affair. A very brief version. He just stared at me. 7 hours later, he still couldn't believe that I had gone through what I did and was at the diner making sure everything was running smoothly.

It was fun running the diner. I would walk in there and was almost like mayor of the town. Everyone knew my name and it had that "Cheers" feel when I would walk in.

I lasted a month. I had all kinds of great food around me, but lost like 30 pounds. If you love diner food like I do, you can understand!! But I could only take so much. The daily...hourly thoughts in my head wouldn't go away. It was tough, but I took my name off the partnership.

I didn't go back to the business world for a few months.

Anyway, I had to re-open this thread to read it again and hope that anyone going through something similar can see how tough working on reconciliation is. Unless both of you are willing to work on it...it ain't gonna happen.


----------



## happyman64

You are so on the money Dig.

I told someone in another thread this:

It takes two to have a relationship.

It takes two to ave a marriage.

It takes two to create a natural family.

But it only takes one to destroy it all.

And it takes two to pick up the pieces and rebuild.


And there is nothing better than diner food Dig.

HM64


----------



## SomedayDig

HM64...we had these frozen "pucks" of corned beef. Ohhhhhh, the many wonderful combos I came up with! Throw it on the grille and mix in some potatoes and onion and cheeeeeeeze (and spices!). Make sammiches. Put it on fresh cut fries.

Dr. Seuss just entered my head with "Oh, The Places You'll Go". Oh, the food you can make!

Yes...it only took 1 to ruin everything we had. We're both picking up the pieces. It just kinda sucks when you find a small piece sitting in the corner and the memories come back.


----------



## the guy

Ya dude it tough but so is D. I'm 3 years in...d-day was Feb. '10.

My old lady is doing great, I'm hanging in there, and the marriage is moving along.

Today is a carpenters holiday due to the rain here in SoCal and my chick has the day off, so we are going to chase each other around the house naked.

As far as finding pieces...we are too....well ya this is some truamatic stuff...there still finding crap wash up on the beach here on the west coast from the eathqueack/sonomi in Japan...and that was how many years ago. LOL


----------



## strugglinghusband

Dig, will be your way this fall on MC trip, if you want I would be willing to try out all the cool recipes you want to make, I'm just a good guy like that ..off course I would buy all the cold beers.


----------



## happyman64

SomedayDig said:


> HM64...we had these frozen "pucks" of corned beef. Ohhhhhh, the many wonderful combos I came up with! Throw it on the grille and mix in some potatoes and onion and cheeeeeeeze (and spices!). Make sammiches. Put it on fresh cut fries.
> 
> Dr. Seuss just entered my head with "Oh, The Places You'll Go". Oh, the food you can make!
> 
> Yes...it only took 1 to ruin everything we had. We're both picking up the pieces. It just kinda sucks when you find a small piece sitting in the corner and the memories come back.


Dig

Always remember you can both make new memories together.

I know the old ones. But in time they will hurt less.

Someday us Tammers will all be eating in the same diner together make good memories.

🍻🍔🍟🍳🍰🍪


----------



## SomedayDig

the guy said:


> Ya dude it tough but so is D. I'm 3 years in...d-day was Feb. '10.
> 
> My old lady is doing great, I'm hanging in there, and the marriage is moving along.
> 
> Today is a carpenters holiday due to the rain here in SoCal and my chick has the day off, so we are going to chase each other around the house naked.
> 
> As far as finding pieces...we are too....well ya this is some truamatic stuff...there still finding crap wash up on the beach here on the west coast from the eathqueack/sonomi in Japan...and that was how many years ago. LOL


Ahhh...the carpenter's holiday. I had those when I was on a framing crew about a quarter of a century ago (god damn that sounds old!). Our kids have a 2 hour delay for school cuz of the snow. Man...we walked in this stuff and laughed about it in the 70's. The '78 Blizzard...THAT was f'ng snow!



strugglinghusband said:


> Dig, will be your way this fall on MC trip, if you want I would be willing to try out all the cool recipes you want to make, I'm just a good guy like that ..off course I would buy all the cold beers.


Regret and I will be moving on in July. We're leaving this place for sunny Florida. When ya go that way, let me know!



happyman64 said:


> Dig
> 
> Always remember you can both make new memories together.
> 
> I know the old ones. But in time they will hurt less.
> 
> Someday us Tammers will all be eating in the same diner together make good memories.
> 
> 🍻🍔🍟🍳🍰🍪


Yes, we are definitely making new memories. If you recall, they met at a St. Patrick's Day thing. I swore to never enjoy one of my favorite holidays again. Til last month when I stuck my middle finger up at the thought and said, "NO! We're gonna do it OUR way this year." 

When all the Tammers go to a diner, just please let me check the kitchen first. There needs to be just enough grease on the floor to help with the taste, but not enough to cause a fire hazard!


----------



## strugglinghusband

SomedayDig said:


> Regret and I will be moving on in July. We're leaving this place for sunny Florida. When ya go that way, let me know!
> QUOTE]
> 
> 
> 
> My excuse to go to Daytona bike week, has just been made..
> 
> I'll be just a regular yankee, the kind that spends money and then leaves....


----------



## SomedayDig

I will be about 45 minutes from Daytona. Ohhhh...I am psyched!


----------



## the guy

I was started bangin nails 3 decades ago and worked my way up the Corp. ladder....to bad after 13 years the Corp changed direction and left me.
Its time to do my own thing now and that includes bangin more nails...at least its for me and mine and not for the Corp.

I gave that Corp. my blood, sweat, and almost my wife....LOL

I'm going to need a 3 day weekend just for this 45 yo body to recoup after being @ss and elbows for the last 4 days banging walls together.

PHUCK I AM TO OLD FOR THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## strugglinghusband

SomedayDig said:


> I will be about 45 minutes from Daytona. Ohhhh...I am psyched!


Cool, will bring along some of my buddies, kick ass deer sausage and deer jerky, maybe even some turkey jerky (not the kamikaze ones.lol)He makes the best I've ever had...
that and cold beers, some good ole Bull ****ting....good times to be had.


----------



## SomedayDig

the guy said:


> I was started bangin nails 3 decades ago and worked my way up the Corp. ladder....to bad after 13 years the Corp changed direction and left me.
> Its time to do my own thing now and that includes bangin more nails...at least its for me and mine and not for the Corp.
> 
> I gave that Corp. my blood, sweat, and almost my wife....LOL
> 
> I'm going to need a 3 day weekend just for this 45 yo body to recoup after being @ss and elbows for the last 4 days banging walls together.
> 
> PHUCK I AM TO OLD FOR THIS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I hear ya. Just turned 45 myself. When I first got out of flying my cousin asked me if I'd help him on a few jobs. Small stuff really...a huge deck and some rehab on a house. After humping 30 bags of Quickcrete for the footings for the deck, and using those damn post hole diggers to dig 16 holes - I was spent!

But like ya said - the money you make is YOURS. That counts for something.



strugglinghusband said:


> Cool, will bring along some of my buddies, kick ass deer sausage and deer jerky, maybe even some turkey jerky (not the kamikaze ones.lol)He makes the best I've ever had...
> that and cold beers, some good ole Bull ****ting....good times to be had.


Ohhhh...I'm a fan of the hot stuff! We have a place up here that makes the "Damn Good Jerkey" brand. Its about 15 miles from my house. I love, love, love their "Death by Jerkey". Makes a grown man cry more than 'Ol Yeller'.


----------



## maconco

I would like to commend you Dig for staying and giving your marriage another chance. 

To be able to look past your pain and decide to work on your relationship is definitely commendable.

my reverence to you SIR


----------



## SomedayDig

Thank you maconco. That's very kind of you, however no reverence at all please. I have done nothing more than others and deserve no special recognition in that sense.

The pain can at times be paralyzing and those times are certainly ones I don't enjoy, however I realize they are a requirement to continue down my path.


----------



## Regret214

BUMP for a special man. Love you Dig.


----------



## thatbpguy

SomedayDig said:


> I honestly don't think they have the first clue as to what Regret did. I'd say they now know there have been major problems, but I'd say they don't see, or rather wouldn't WANT to see what she was capable of. Unless they ask outright about an affair, we're not saying anything about it.
> They live over 200 miles away most of the time and then 1500 miles away the other part. They certainly don't see any kind of day to day interactions between us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Although I respect your decision not to tell them, I would have. Not for revenge, but for openess in the relationship as well as family accountability. I think it's important for betrayers to exp[ose themselves for humility, accountability and demonstrate contritness. 

That said, I hope the both of you continue to work through this. I tried but it failed. 

Best to you both.


----------



## Regret214

thatbpguy said:


> Although I respect your decision not to tell them, I would have. Not for revenge, but for openess in the relationship as well as family accountability. I think it's important for betrayers to exp[ose themselves for humility, accountability and demonstrate contritness.
> 
> That said, I hope the both of you continue to work through this. I tried but it failed.
> 
> Best to you both.


I actually did wind up telling my parents about my affair. It was devastating for them, but it was also a way to lift Dig up since I had brought him down for so long.

Thank you for the well wishes. We will be okay. And maybe this permaban is just what Dig needed to step away from the computer 

PS - I'm sorry things didn't work for you, but from me let me say that _you_ didn't fail. Our best to you.


----------

