# Statement by my WW



## OneManBand (Jan 2, 2013)

Hi Everyone,
I posted my story about my wife who had an EA with someone that works in the same field as she does. I did things wrong at first, but then started the 180 talked to a lawyer etc. 

At that time she seemed truly remorseful and I decided to try reconciling. During the past 7-8 months things have sometimes seemed to be better, but I just haven't felt that my wife is really into me. She still didn't seem to really like to kiss me. She only wanted to have sex when drinking. She seemed actually angry at me for bringing up her EA etc. 

Finally I simply told her that If she is not in love with me she needed to tell me. That I would rather be single than be with someone who wasn't in love with me even if it meant breaking up our family.

A few days later she is drunk again and tells me. "I just don't feel anything when I kiss you. Can we stay together for the kids. I don't want to do anything but you can go out and do what you want after the kids are asleep." Needless to say I was flabbergasted. Especially as, in the past, my wife has been very jealous of me for no reason. Also, I know that in the past few weeks she has checked my cell phone call log. 

The next morning she is trying to get me to hug her and saying that she is sorry. She has said mean things in the past when drunk, but I don't consider being drunk a legitimate excuse

I now have a gut feeling that she must still have something going on with the OM. I guess it really doesn't matter as I don't think I want to be with someone who has made that statement to me, but I am still curious. What are the chances that she has just taken the A underground? Has anyone ever heard something like this before from their spouse?

I have access to her phone and computer. She never goes out at night except with her sister. She could still run into this guy at work or at a conference since she is still in the same job for financial reasons. So, I don't have any evidence they are seeing each other, but again her statement has made me wonder.

Wow, didn't mean for this to get so long.
Thanks for any responses


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NC. MC. IC. TRUE R. GET HER OUT OF FOG!!! 
OR YOUR MARRIAGE Doesn't stand a chance. 
Its up to you man. How much do you want to put into this.
Your wife can be snapped out of this. She can be in love with you again.
There are plenty of stories here on Tam. You decide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I guess depend on may things,

did she confess or you catch her?
did she inmmediatly cut communications with OM or she suggested something like keep being friends?
did she got to the point where she told the OM something like "I love you"?
did she share sexual picture with the om?
did you actually made a full investigation to confirm it never beacame a PA?

all of this factors can affect the answer to your question.

also take in consideration that yes she can easily take it underground.

she can buy a new phone
she can met him every luch hour
hell maybe even her sister could be covering for her (it will not be the first case i hear)

but the again, if you want divorce, why to toture yourself.

in the other hand if you want R there are many books that can help you to reconnect with your wh even if she says she don't feel passion for you, we have some examples here in TAM.


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## OneManBand (Jan 2, 2013)

Thank you for the responses,

I should maybe give a little more background. EA happened a year ago. She was caught. In fact they were texting and it was known about for a while by my brother and sister in law. When my BIL saw them sitting in his vehicle together at a job site he blew the lid off of it. 

I told her NC, but a month later I caught her by checking her phone log. Kicked her out for the night, but eventually let her back. 

At that point I was the typical nice guy -tried loving her back into the marriage for a few months. I read a lot and got a lot of good advice on TAM. 

I read MMSLP and have changed quite a bit. We went to MC for a while, but eventually I began contacting a lawyer with the intention of divorcing. At that point I think my wife got really scared that I was going to go through with it. She seemed truly remorseful and I decided to try to work it out again. So, I have been through all of the typical stuff. 

I never got full proof that it wasn't a PA. I don't know how I would get absolute proof. My wife always denies there was any physical contact. Although, I am quite sure she is lying about one thing. Here it is - My sister in law told me that my wife told her that my wife and OM met at a local bar. I remember the night because my wife told me she was going to the store, but came back with nothing. 

Now, when I confronted my wife with this story she said her sister got it all wrong. that They ran into each other at the bar - it wasn't planned - when my wife went to a friend's birthday party. When asked what they talked about - 'we talked about that we should stop texting each other so much' 

So, I have never believed this story, but my sister in law said it is possible she misunderstood things, but not likely. In any case I decided to let it go since things were getting better - probably a mistake I know.

Now, with her current statement - yes I am really wondering if it was a PA, but I just don't think I will ever know for sure. 

I have no other evidence about pictures or what the texts were about - they were all deleted. Unfortunately my Brother in law told my wife he was going to tell me so she was warned before I could really investigate. 

In any case all of that has been nearly a year ago. Her current statement about just staying together for the kids while I could do whatever I want, just doesn't sound like her at all. I have the feeling that she wouldn't be able to say something like that unless she still is in the fog and possibly still in contact with the OM. 

I don't want a divorce, which is why I decided to try to reconcile, but now I feel that things are just the way they were 8 months ago if not worse, so it just seems that it is time to give up on the marriage.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

She wants you to stoop to her level, to alleviate her guilt. This situation is totally toxic. I would bail ASAP.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree she wants you to make the same crappy decision she did. To become a cheater. 

I would not fall for it. No one who really loved you and valued their marriage would make suggestions like that. 

How sure are you that the ea was not a pa. 

She is at the very least still carrying a torch for him and that is a best case scenario. 

The affair could just be underground. Ask her to take a polygraph. Be prepared
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

workindad said:


> I agree she wants you to make the same crappy decision she did. To become a cheater.
> 
> I would not fall for it. No one who really loved you and valued their marriage would make suggestions like that.
> 
> ...


At least the threat of polygraph may get the rest of the story out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Is the other guy married?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Make her agree to a complete timeline and polygraph...otherwise divorce


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

yes, polygraph is your best option, cheaters always take two routes when faced with the polygraph threat.

first.- they do the impossible to avoid it, like saying they can't live with someone who does not trust in them, or they will not accept being questioned in that way.

second.- they accept but they keep posponing the appointment, and finally they crack and confess before going to the appointment.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

OneManBand said:


> I have access to her phone and computer. *She never goes out at night except with her sister. * She could still run into this guy at work or at a conference since she is still in the same job for financial reasons. So, I don't have any evidence they are seeing each other, but again her statement has made me wonder.
> 
> Wow, didn't mean for this to get so long.
> Thanks for any responses





OneManBand said:


> Thank you for the responses,
> 
> I should maybe give a little more background. EA happened a year ago. She was caught. *In fact they were texting and it was known about for a while by my brother and sister in law. *When my BIL saw them sitting in his vehicle together at a job site he blew the lid off of it.


Is the sister that she goes out with now the same one that knew about the affair and enabled it?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

OneManBand said:


> A few days later she is drunk again and tells me. "I just don't feel anything when I kiss you. Can we stay together for the kids. I don't want to do anything but you can go out and do what you want after the kids are asleep."


No. This is not a person who is working on reconciliation or on strengthening a marriage.

Don't get so caught up in the need to know whether she has resumed her EA or whether it was a PA or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that she told you what was in her mind and it's not about developing a better relationship with you. Stop wasting time trying to find evidence - she has flat out told you where she stands.

LISTEN to what she told you. She doesn't want to kiss you or have sex with you, and she'd rather have you screw around than do that. THAT is where your marriage is. And THAT is a marriage that is highly unhealthy for your children to see and learn and believe how marriage is.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

manticore said:


> first.- they do the impossible to avoid it, like saying they can't live with someone who does not trust in them, or they will not accept being questioned in that way.
> 
> I agree with Manticore, my SO always tends to throw it back on me when confronted. I just can't believe that you don't trust me. I have been with you all of these years and you still don't trust me. She truly believes its my fault. Classic blame shifting. If you aren't careful, they will have you believing that it is your fault too. My SO is very good at this!!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> Is the sister that she goes out with now the same one that knew about the affair and enabled it?


This. Sounds to me your wife talked a lot of sh*t about you to her sister, to the point her sister was perfectly fine enabling an affair. So they went out together, where your sis could watch your wife's back while she hung out with the OM.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It seems that she got a taste for someone that's not you. So even if she did break it off w OM(not likely) she wants someone else.

"vino veritas" applies here - IOW she was enboldened to speak the truth by the booze. She's willing to let you have your own life so she can feel free to persue what she really wants - but wants you around to help with the kids and bills.

Are you willing to lead the rest of your life like this?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

OMB,

Your WW just isn't into you.

You deserve better. 

180 and file for D. It's time.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Do you have a spare bedroom for an in-house separation? Since you're hesitant about divorce, you could do the 180 and give yourself some time to think, as well as dip your toe in the water of being "apart" without filing for D. Only SHE should be the one who sleeps in the spare bedroom, not you!! Let her know you are seriously considering filing, but you're going to give it some thought before proceeding. Tell her that while you're thinking about it, you want to be in a separate space, and since she's the one who has "checked out of the marriage," she should be the one to sleep in the other room - let her be inconvenienced.

Kids aren't stupid - they already know there's trouble. So don't think this will be some big surprise. You are holding on to hope that she will come out of her fog and start being honest with you. That may happen, but the only chance is if you shake things up, and living like you are, "AS IF" everything is fine, is not working. You may find that she doesn't come clean, and you may decide to file - you're in a bit of a fog yourself, so the "separation" will also do YOU good. You don't have to decide anything right now, but trying to live in a pretend marriage with her will eat away at you and it won't help you to heal.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

OneManBand said:


> I told her NC, but a month later I caught her by checking her phone log. Kicked her out for the night, but eventually let her back.
> 
> At that point I was the typical nice guy -tried loving her back into the marriage for a few months. I read a lot and got a lot of good advice on TAM.
> 
> ...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still in the affair and it is a PA.

Does she still work with him? 

She needs to get another job. But forget trying to fix this.

File for divorce. If she can kiss you again, (she does not want to cheat on her AP), maybe she will wake up from the fog.

But proceed with the divorce. After the divorce, if she comes around, have her sign an agreement that if she cheats again, she gets nothing.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So, your sure her sister isn't covering for her in any way?

I wouldn't be all that trusting. But that's only a minor problem since it 's clear she's done with the marriage anyway. Lick your wounds and cut her loose.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

OneManBand,

Sorry you are here ... but you are kidding yourself if you think this wasn't a physical affair. Everything about her actions says that this was physical. Sorry.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

norajane said:


> No. This is not a person who is working on reconciliation or on strengthening a marriage.
> 
> Don't get so caught up in the need to know whether she has resumed her EA or whether it was a PA or whatever. It doesn't change the fact that she told you what was in her mind and it's not about developing a better relationship with you. Stop wasting time trying to find evidence - she has flat out told you where she stands.
> 
> LISTEN to what she told you. She doesn't want to kiss you or have sex with you, and she'd rather have you screw around than do that. THAT is where your marriage is. And THAT is a marriage that is highly unhealthy for your children to see and learn and believe how marriage is.


OP this is the best advice for you right now.

The EA/PA, is it underground or not is irrelevant now. She told you flat out that she doesn't want you and she just want to be with you for convenience sake no intimacy. That's not affair speak that's graduated to "I'm done" speak.


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## OneManBand (Jan 2, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

I agree that my wife just isn't into me anymore. That is what I have been trying to overcome for the past year and now she has explicitly stated it. 

I don't have any evidence that it was a PA, but I have a gut feeling that something physical probably happened. And she has proven she will lie about it so there is no reason for her to admit a PA. I could tell her to take a polygraph, but I know she would try to put a guilt trip on me and I am done dealing with those type of head games. 

I also agree that she likes me around because I do a lot around the house and take care of the kids as well as pay most of the bills. 

I am sure her sister is not covering for her. My SIL an BIL knew about the texting and told her to stop. At one point my wife told them that she had stopped only to be seen with the OM a few days later. So, my wife has lied in the past to everyone about this.
I definitely trust my SIL and BIL more than my wife.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. The amazing thing is that after a year of dealing with this I still fell somehow bad about talking to a lawyer. As if it is still partly my fault for the breakup of my family.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Wife telling you to basically wait till the kids are asleep and go out and have some fun, is all that I would need to confirm all the other random pieces.

She wants you to go to her level in the scum pool.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Agree with Thorburn.

If she gets you to go out and scr*w around that validates that what she has done is OK. Eases her guilt to some extent.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

OneManBand said:


> Thank you all for your responses and advice.
> 
> I agree that my wife just isn't into me anymore. That is what I have been trying to overcome for the past year and now she has explicitly stated it.
> 
> ...


Sure it is partly your fault for the breakup. You married a cheater and had kids. That is your crime, you loved someone, married them, had kids, and expected her to be faithful. You are guilty as charged.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

In regards to whether it was an EA or PA. I advise all BS's; that unless you have hard evidence that it couldn't have been a PA, assume it was. WS's simply will not tell you more than you have proof of, unless they fold ahead of a polygraph.

Then if that wasn't enough; she tells you she doesn't feel anything for you and gives you permission to cheat. Why would she tell you that if she hadn't done the same or gave a sheet about you.

Combine her EA/PA, her failure to stop contact, and her statement to you; please. Do yourself a favor and move on.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

File for divorce, it takes two trying to keep a marriage.

She is not trying.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

OneManBand said:


> A few days later she is drunk again and tells me. "I just don't feel anything when I kiss you. Can we stay together for the kids. I don't want to do anything but you can go out and do what you want after the kids are asleep."


So, she told you the truth. I'd fulfill her wish, but we wouldn't stay married.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OneManBand said:


> ...I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. The amazing thing is that after a year of dealing with this I still fell somehow bad about talking to a lawyer. As if it is still partly my fault for the breakup of my family.


You have these feelings because you are a good man.

There can be a little guilt when we end their crap. I would also expect some blame to be shifted to you when the D happens.

It is ok.

The feelings of guilt seem to pale compared to the peace you experiance when the game is over.

Hang tough! Better days are around the corner.


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## OneManBand (Jan 2, 2013)

Thanks for the encouragement LovemyTruck,

I mainly feel badly due to my children. I hope they are not going to be too affected by all of this, but that is not my fault. I also will miss seeing them everyday etc. 

With regard to my wife I already do feel more peaceful about things. I would like to separate immediately, but that is difficult right now for financial reasons. 

I will see what the lawyer says tomorrow.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Band,

From everything that you have written it seems very unlikely that your WW and OM were unable to take their feelings to a higher level. For a woman who is emotionally in so deep, it would have been natural for her to wear and dress so that it would be easy for him to get things rolling.

She lost her attraction to you before, so perhaps this was an exit affair. She is not explaining things well, except that you are not a guy she would date if she were single.

You need to hard 180 to protect yourself. Get going with divorce plans.

Can you aim for 50% physical custody?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

OneManBand said:


> Thanks for the encouragement LovemyTruck,
> 
> I mainly feel badly due to my children. I hope they are not going to be too affected by all of this, but that is not my fault. I also will miss seeing them everyday etc.
> 
> ...




Good luck with the lawyer meeting.

As for you kids, its a bit sad but they are most likely already feeling some of the "bad vibes" going on between you two. Kids are pretty intuitive that way. 

Best to move on and show them what a "real" relationship should be like.

Good luck to you.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OneManBand said:


> Thanks for the encouragement LovemyTruck,
> 
> I mainly feel badly due to my children. I hope they are not going to be too affected by all of this, but that is not my fault. I also will miss seeing them everyday etc.
> 
> ...


It is one of the ugly things that happens in life. God bless our kids.

Maybe one day you will have them tell you that they understand your heart-wrenching dilemma.

Maybe one day you will have a new step-kid or two that you love as much as you love your own. It happened to me.

Good luck my friend.


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