# Wife and her panic attacks



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I have posted about many issues with my marriage and I am starting to explore different facets that may try to dig deeper into helping me and my wife through it.

My has a very storied history. She has been in abusive relationship in the past that led to restraining orders. This I did know about before our marriage but I did not delve into it because I didn't wan t to raise any issues.

She has also was raped and got pregnant from it, and ultimately had an abortion when she was a teenager. This I only have discovered in the last year or so.

We have gone through many ups and downs through our marriage in a couple of years. She currently occassionally suffers panic attacks. Sometimes I am blamed for them, sometimes they are just over the stresses of life. She is currently seeing a counselor but does not take any medication.

Life has been very difficult since we got married. It's been a constant battle for both of us to find our own happiness in ourselves and with each other. We have also have add the extra burden of having instant kids, which has forced us to go into a different dynamic of a marriage before we actually built our own relationship.

I feel like I am always spinning my wheels trying to make things better, but sometimes I get to the point where I'm blamed for all our misfortunes and situations. Sometimes I will stay strong and be very clear in my decisions, other times I will cower and let my wife become the final word in our decisions. Often times I cannot feel like the strong alpha man I should be in our relationship because she is so broken and sensitive to everything that can happen.

I am just trying to find methods to work my way through these problems with a strong will, but I feel there often set backs just when common things happen in our lives.

Example, wife has been stressed about throwing a b-day party for her dad (her choice) and her cousin (who lives with us), running errands, homeschooling children, dealing with her dad's bad health, etc. Then we had car problems this week and he suffered a panic attack today and decided to shut down with everything. 

I know that's good for to step back and relax, but I know this is just going to get her more stressed because she's fallen more behind and this could lead to more stress and then she will get very short and particular about any behavior I exhibit.

I feel at this point she should be on some kind of medication, but she doesn't want that and her therapist doesn't force the issue. I don't really know what she is accomplishing in therapy anymore. I'm sure some of it is to deal with the issues with me, but others.

I am feeling this is going to be just another series events that will lead us into another big fight over her unhappiness and I just want to get some advice on where I can make an effort to help her help herself get better and be happier.

I have tried myself to deal with these things in my own therapy, but when I enact these behaviors to help better my own happiness, I get accused of turning my back on the importance of our relationship and that I am not being considerate of her. It got to the point that I had to stop going just because she was threatening to divorce me.

Is there any steps I can take to try to support her and put her on a more positive path? What's the best approach considering all the issues she has gone through with her life thus far? I know that some people have mentioned she might suffer from BPD but there doesn't seem to be a clear answer in dealing with that other than at some point you may have to walk away from the situation.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The midwest center is golden but the materials, dvds, tapes, etc cost a few hundred bucks. https://store.midwestcenter.com Pretty cheap considering how much anxiety costs. That's what I would try first anyway.

In regards to medication, many doctors try to put people on antidepressants for anxiety which *will make her a basketcase*. Not that people taking those medications are that way but for true anxiety it messed with my wife. Tranxene and other medications similar to valium are actually very helpful if she has panic attacks but doctors hesitate to prescibe them because they are addictive.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In case of panic attacks figure out what relaxes her. The sound of water? Music? Rubbing a stone? Comfort food? She can deal with her anxiety without medication she just needs your help. Is there any way you could lighten her load on this preparation or is she one of those who is OCD about how things are done?


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, when it came to today, she just stopped everything and left the house. Probably knitting or comfort food helps but then she starts to even over analyze those sometimes (Can't finish the knitting projects in time, afraid she's becoming fat because she eats, etc.)

She is definetely one of those OCD, I need this to be done my way kind of people. I pitch in when I'm asked but I can't overstep into making too many recommendations. I sometimes look at all the things she is trying to do and just want to say, why are you doing so much when you know you can't handle this all, but she always is going to have her reasons.

I'm starting to feel that keeping herself fully invested in all these tasks is the only way it stops her from being sad. Because once she starts thinking about it, things really fall apart and then our relationship puts into peril by all the things that are making her unhappy and how I'm supposed to fix it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

njpca said:


> I know that some people have mentioned she might suffer from BPD....


NJPCA, we said a LOT MORE than that. Last March, I wrote:NJPCA, the bottom line is that you are describing a wife with such serious emotional issues that she behaves like a spoiled 3-year old. Although that has been obvious to a dozen posters in your ten threads, you have steadfastly refused to believe them. Two years ago, Tunera told you "Your wife needs professional help. She will suck you dry with her emotional issues and unwillingness to accept responsibility.... you shouldn't spoil a 3 year old by giving in to their tantrums." 

Ten months ago, Staircase got so exasperated with your doomed efforts to please your W that she wrote "I would smack you upside the head if you were here." Last week, AFEH described your W's behavior as "pretty insane" and Mavesh warned "This is a trap." Earlier today, DontPanic advised you against making the mistake of "thinking you can make her happy."

The behaviors you describe -- frequent blame-shifting, temper tantrums, threats of suicide, emotional instability, verbal abuse, flipping between adoring and devaluing you, inability to trust you, and fear of abandonment -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. ​That post then goes on to explain why the behaviors you describe seem consistent with BPD traits. I suggest you go back and reread that 3/11/12 post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/41271-will-my-wife-i-ever-same-page.html#post624789. I also wrote you a second post five days later -- to which you did not respond. If you change your mind and would like to respond, I would be glad to discuss it with you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> other times I will cower and let my wife become the final word in our decisions.


This needs to stop.



> Example, wife has been stressed about throwing a b-day party for her dad (her choice) and her cousin (who lives with us), running errands, homeschooling children, dealing with her dad's bad health, etc. Then we had car problems this week and he suffered a panic attack today and decided to shut down with everything.


Much of this could have been avoided. Say no to the birthday party, no to the cousins living with you, no to homeschooling, no to dealing with her dad's bad health....no no no no to all of it. Your wife isn't well enough to take care of herself much less all this. 



> I just want to get some advice on where I can make an effort to help her help herself get better and be happier.


Sorry that's not your job only SHE can help herself. The best thing you can do for her is help yourself.



> I have tried myself to deal with these things in my own therapy, but when I enact these behaviors to help better my own happiness, I get accused of turning my back on the importance of our relationship and that I am not being considerate of her. It got to the point that I had to stop going just because she was threatening to divorce me.


Right and you believed her? She isn't going anywhere. She can't even hold down a job. Get back to therapy and if she says this again tell her to go ahead and do it. If she is willing to divorce you over trying to get happy then she isn't a very good wife.



> Is there any steps I can take to try to support her and put her on a more positive path? What's the best approach considering all the issues she has gone through with her life thus far?


Stop enabling her and let her hit rock bottom. There is no other way.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry to everyone if it seems I have been running in circles with all these issues. I have been trying so hard to try to approach my situation in different ways to try to quell some of these things. I wish I was more aware of these issues before I had stepped into this situation, but alas sometimes taking that step means just jumping in, which is what I did.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

njpca it's just that your life is driven by fear. You're afraid of losing your wife and your marriage and it's defining you as a person in a bad way to us and to your wife. Maybe you can't work it out but you do have to be willing and ready and content to lose her if you want any chance of her treating you like you deserve to be treated. As it is, she's treating you the way your teaching her to. Like someone with low esteem and afraid to make a move. Life isn't supposed to be scary. You have control over your own actions, how you treat yourself, and how you let others treat you. Take a page from the narcissist handbook and think highly of yourself.


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