# 3 Years of Marriage and now we're lost...



## matty421 (Mar 23, 2012)

Well, where do I begin. Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but women's advice seems to be more appropriate.

My wife and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have been hitting a rough patch. While most marriages have some recurring issues and things that need to be worked, I have for the first time as of recently, begin to seriously doubt if we'll make it. Or if we are even right for each other.

It starts about 6 months ago, when my wife stopped working for someone else and started her own business. She always hated her job, and now she likes it. But she has been trying very hard to launch her business, and has been working more or less 7 days a week for 6 months. Rarely are they 8 hour days, but it definitely takes time from our schedule to do things and see each other. My wife also likes to sing. A year or so ago she decided to join a band. Within a few months, that turned into 3 bands... we saw each other even less. She cut this back to 2, but even so, this is time consuming on an already limited schedule.

From the outside looking in, people think we are a great couple. We have always had a lot of chemistry on a personal and social level, but I am struggling with so many things now. Passion, lust, excitement... For the first year my wife and I were together, we made love just about every day. There was a TON of passion. Up late together talking and watching movies, we spent every possible day together for the first 8 months we were together. I was never happier.

We got married, things were more or less good. We have always had an imbalance though, bluntly stated, I want sex more. When we have it, it's great. She seems to enjoy it. But the issue is that she really only wants it on rare occasions anymore. And while this seems like one small portion of a marriage, I feel as though it is deeper than that. I am very sexually active, but I am also very active. I am a cyclist, I exercise almost every day, I eat very healthy and am more or less an above average guy. I have always done very well with ladies before meeting my wife, and let's face it, I have felt very desired by women my entire life.

I guess my issue, and what is so hard to take, is that I feel as though I was "wanted" more when I was single or casually dating someone, than I do now that I am married. I love my wife, and she is my best friend, but when she is so detached from her sexuality sometimes (able to go 7-14 days without even REALIZING we haven't had sex) it makes me feel unwanted. I try to initiate sex often, and I just get shot down. She suggests different things at times, different approaches, different tones, but in the end, it always ends up imbalanced. The tactics don't seem to work when I change them, she just isn't that in to it. 

To be specific, I am usually ready to have sex once per day. Every other day is fine by me too. Sometimes it can make it even better when it's a little spaced out. But to be honest, every 5, 7, 10 days or so, is painful for me. Am I a sex addict or something? After a while of always reaching out to have sex, and getting denied, hearing excuses and reasons why (recently her mother told her that she does the same things to her father) makes me feel like a pervert. I can't quite figure out if there is something wrong with me? My approach? Or is she just not that into sex? And if so, why? She used to like sex seemingly as much as I did.

The thing with sex and how it can seem like such a deeper problem is that I feel as though I am most loving and nurturing when I am satisfied sexually. When I am not satisfied and I feel as though she is "cutting me off" and making constant excuses, I feel as though my only self-defense is to remove what SHE gets out of the relationship.... the closeness of "us". So I start to detach, not always intentionally. I feel as though why should SHE get everything she wants and needs out of our relationship, when I am not? I know that this can't best outlook, but again, it's a defense mechanism.

The worst part is that it's a downward spiral... my wife starts to say "I have no sex drive.... sorry" as she would put it. And I start to detach. Then she baits me with things like "well if we could spend more time, or if we could just cuddle". But then I do and she just passes out... No sex. No feeling of lust or passion or desire. It hurts me. And TIME!? I have time. She doesn't. I have asked her for 4 months or so to schedule days off and time off, but she always finds something to do and gets weak and tells her clients that she can take them, making us NEVER have a set time, or day off together. Which makes getting house tasks done very difficult.

I am a passionate person in all that I do. I thought I found this in her too, but if so, why isn't she passionate to me or for me anymore? Where did I go wrong? It seems that she has so many things in her schedule. She is in bands, she works all the time and makes social plans. She takes evening clients on days or evenings I have free. It's like I barely see her and now when I do see her we are mostly fighting and trying to figure out where the magic has gone. I am so upset and distraught over it, that when we talk, I just seem to make everything an attack. So she is on the defensive, and I am frustrated and angry.

I do the shopping for food in the house. I make the dinners and am usually home a lot more than she is. We used to shop together... no more time. We used to go and do things and take our dog places... now there is no more time. She talks about exercise, but blames it on lack of time. She talks about our sex-life at times, but then blames it on lack of time. She passes out very early, and blames it on low sleep and lack of time because she is too busy. All I really hear is excuses and I don't see a lot of action, and it frustrates me. I don't understand why she lets things go on for so long when they aren't going well, when the side effects are so obvious.

So I am in deep depression now. I am doubting I even want to carry on with my life as I know it... no, not suicide. I mean, I get the urge to just leave the life I have created with her and do something completely different with someone else. I am tired of being such a physical and healthy, good looking person who cares and loves her, but doesn't feel wanted. I feel as though when she has sex with me, she is looking at me with this "I hope he is satisfied for a while now". Instead of "ohh.... I love you, that was amazing". Why is sex a job to her? Why can't she just lust for me deeply?

Affection with her is a mystery too. It causes fights. She doesn't like to mouth kiss, only lips. This was one of my favorite forms of affection before I met her. I always prided myself on being a passionate and good kisser. I haven't "kissed" someone for 7 years, before I met her. The few times we have mouth kissed, she seemed grossed out. She hates sweat, in the bedroom. Gets grossed out and wipes it off frequently and backs away from me if I am sweating. It makes me feel like she is grossed out by ME or again, isn't really enjoying but enduring having sex with me.

What's worse is I hear stories of women wanting sex more than the men, or relationships with a very healthy sex life, and I get really depressed. I wish that was me. I have never dated or been in a relationship with someone who could even handle once per day, or every other day. It's always been this "task" to women that I have been with in relationships. When I am just dating women, it's great. The passion and lust is there. They can't keep their hands off of me. I have been told many times in my life that I am an amazing lover and very passionate, even "the best" by many. If that's so, then why does my wife not even want to touch me unless I beg for it? I have so many long residual affection issues with her, that I am beginning to resent her for it. I can't open back up to her, because I feel as though she is "winning". She is getting what she wants, but I am not getting what I want. 

Perhaps if we could both lower our walls, we could go back to where we once were. But it's so hard, when I have so much confusion, anger and even pain over our intimacy. And now we are in this downward spiral. She is mad at me, I am mad at her. Both too hurt through all of the arguments to wipe the slate clean.... are we a lost cause? A good couple, some would say the perfect couple, falling apart because one wants sex far more than the other? Even before she was self employed, we have had some of these issues. But every year we are together I feel her slipping further and further away sexually. If it's a vacation or my birthday, it's fine. Otherwise, she just seems to be making me happy and not doing it because she "wants" me.

She wants a healthy relationship with a sparse sex life. I feel as though you need a healthy sex life to have a healthy relationship. I am lost...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Run. Run before you have kids. Physically for some reason she doesn't like sex. The kissing thing would be a deal breaker for me. 

As for frequency your desires are normal. For the first 15 years of my marriage we averaged 3-5 times per week. For the last 7 years 2 times a week and we are almost 50.

Your wife is filling her schedule partly to avoid you. 

Go find someone who loves you and is compatible with you sexually and emotionally.



QUOTE=matty421;642835]Well, where do I begin. Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but women's advice seems to be more appropriate.

My wife and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have been hitting a rough patch. While most marriages have some recurring issues and things that need to be worked, I have for the first time as of recently, begin to seriously doubt if we'll make it. Or if we are even right for each other.

It starts about 6 months ago, when my wife stopped working for someone else and started her own business. She always hated her job, and now she likes it. But she has been trying very hard to launch her business, and has been working more or less 7 days a week for 6 months. Rarely are they 8 hour days, but it definitely takes time from our schedule to do things and see each other. My wife also likes to sing. A year or so ago she decided to join a band. Within a few months, that turned into 3 bands... we saw each other even less. She cut this back to 2, but even so, this is time consuming on an already limited schedule.

From the outside looking in, people think we are a great couple. We have always had a lot of chemistry on a personal and social level, but I am struggling with so many things now. Passion, lust, excitement... For the first year my wife and I were together, we made love just about every day. There was a TON of passion. Up late together talking and watching movies, we spent every possible day together for the first 8 months we were together. I was never happier.

We got married, things were more or less good. We have always had an imbalance though, bluntly stated, I want sex more. When we have it, it's great. She seems to enjoy it. But the issue is that she really only wants it on rare occasions anymore. And while this seems like one small portion of a marriage, I feel as though it is deeper than that. I am very sexually active, but I am also very active. I am a cyclist, I exercise almost every day, I eat very healthy and am more or less an above average guy. I have always done very well with ladies before meeting my wife, and let's face it, I have felt very desired by women my entire life.

I guess my issue, and what is so hard to take, is that I feel as though I was "wanted" more when I was single or casually dating someone, than I do now that I am married. I love my wife, and she is my best friend, but when she is so detached from her sexuality sometimes (able to go 7-14 days without even REALIZING we haven't had sex) it makes me feel unwanted. I try to initiate sex often, and I just get shot down. She suggests different things at times, different approaches, different tones, but in the end, it always ends up imbalanced. The tactics don't seem to work when I change them, she just isn't that in to it. 

To be specific, I am usually ready to have sex once per day. Every other day is fine by me too. Sometimes it can make it even better when it's a little spaced out. But to be honest, every 5, 7, 10 days or so, is painful for me. Am I a sex addict or something? After a while of always reaching out to have sex, and getting denied, hearing excuses and reasons why (recently her mother told her that she does the same things to her father) makes me feel like a pervert. I can't quite figure out if there is something wrong with me? My approach? Or is she just not that into sex? And if so, why? She used to like sex seemingly as much as I did.

The thing with sex and how it can seem like such a deeper problem is that I feel as though I am most loving and nurturing when I am satisfied sexually. When I am not satisfied and I feel as though she is "cutting me off" and making constant excuses, I feel as though my only self-defense is to remove what SHE gets out of the relationship.... the closeness of "us". So I start to detach, not always intentionally. I feel as though why should SHE get everything she wants and needs out of our relationship, when I am not? I know that this can't best outlook, but again, it's a defense mechanism.

The worst part is that it's a downward spiral... my wife starts to say "I have no sex drive.... sorry" as she would put it. And I start to detach. Then she baits me with things like "well if we could spend more time, or if we could just cuddle". But then I do and she just passes out... No sex. No feeling of lust or passion or desire. It hurts me. And TIME!? I have time. She doesn't. I have asked her for 4 months or so to schedule days off and time off, but she always finds something to do and gets weak and tells her clients that she can take them, making us NEVER have a set time, or day off together. Which makes getting house tasks done very difficult.

I am a passionate person in all that I do. I thought I found this in her too, but if so, why isn't she passionate to me or for me anymore? Where did I go wrong? It seems that she has so many things in her schedule. She is in bands, she works all the time and makes social plans. She takes evening clients on days or evenings I have free. It's like I barely see her and now when I do see her we are mostly fighting and trying to figure out where the magic has gone. I am so upset and distraught over it, that when we talk, I just seem to make everything an attack. So she is on the defensive, and I am frustrated and angry.

I do the shopping for food in the house. I make the dinners and am usually home a lot more than she is. We used to shop together... no more time. We used to go and do things and take our dog places... now there is no more time. She talks about exercise, but blames it on lack of time. She talks about our sex-life at times, but then blames it on lack of time. She passes out very early, and blames it on low sleep and lack of time because she is too busy. All I really hear is excuses and I don't see a lot of action, and it frustrates me. I don't understand why she lets things go on for so long when they aren't going well, when the side effects are so obvious.

So I am in deep depression now. I am doubting I even want to carry on with my life as I know it... no, not suicide. I mean, I get the urge to just leave the life I have created with her and do something completely different with someone else. I am tired of being such a physical and healthy, good looking person who cares and loves her, but doesn't feel wanted. I feel as though when she has sex with me, she is looking at me with this "I hope he is satisfied for a while now". Instead of "ohh.... I love you, that was amazing". Why is sex a job to her? Why can't she just lust for me deeply?

Affection with her is a mystery too. It causes fights. She doesn't like to mouth kiss, only lips. This was one of my favorite forms of affection before I met her. I always prided myself on being a passionate and good kisser. I haven't "kissed" someone for 7 years, before I met her. The few times we have mouth kissed, she seemed grossed out. She hates sweat, in the bedroom. Gets grossed out and wipes it off frequently and backs away from me if I am sweating. It makes me feel like she is grossed out by ME or again, isn't really enjoying but enduring having sex with me.

What's worse is I hear stories of women wanting sex more than the men, or relationships with a very healthy sex life, and I get really depressed. I wish that was me. I have never dated or been in a relationship with someone who could even handle once per day, or every other day. It's always been this "task" to women that I have been with in relationships. When I am just dating women, it's great. The passion and lust is there. They can't keep their hands off of me. I have been told many times in my life that I am an amazing lover and very passionate, even "the best" by many. If that's so, then why does my wife not even want to touch me unless I beg for it? I have so many long residual affection issues with her, that I am beginning to resent her for it. I can't open back up to her, because I feel as though she is "winning". She is getting what she wants, but I am not getting what I want. 

Perhaps if we could both lower our walls, we could go back to where we once were. But it's so hard, when I have so much confusion, anger and even pain over our intimacy. And now we are in this downward spiral. She is mad at me, I am mad at her. Both too hurt through all of the arguments to wipe the slate clean.... are we a lost cause? A good couple, some would say the perfect couple, falling apart because one wants sex far more than the other? Even before she was self employed, we have had some of these issues. But every year we are together I feel her slipping further and further away sexually. If it's a vacation or my birthday, it's fine. Otherwise, she just seems to be making me happy and not doing it because she "wants" me.

She wants a healthy relationship with a sparse sex life. I feel as though you need a healthy sex life to have a healthy relationship. I am lost...[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm beginning to think that most women (now ladies, I said most) should come with a warning label that says something along these lines: 

"WARNING - Continued use will likely cause damage to your male ego. Frequency will most likely decrease after first year. Do not mix with children! Intiating can cause extreme frustration and self-doubt."

All men should be reqiured BY LAW to read this label at the altar before the start of the ceremony

OK ladies, let's here your warning label for men!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Toffer said:


> I'm beginning to think that most women (now ladies, I said most) should come with a warning label that says something along these lines:
> 
> "WARNING - Continued use will likely cause damage to your male ego. Frequency will most likely decrease after first year. Do not mix with children! Intiating can cause extreme frustration and self-doubt."
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

Some men probably should too! 

OOPs just saw where you said ladies lets hear your warning label for men too, lol


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi matty ~

Your desires and feelings are perfectly normal. Most men want their wives to desire and admire them, sexually and otherwise, above all others. And women want the same thing - although for some the order may be otherwise and sex. 

Priority is the key word here - as in making each other a priority. Right now, it sounds like you are trying to make your wife a priority, but she is not trying to make you a priority.

You need to have a very deep discussion with her about this - where you tell her just exactly what you wrote in your post. And you ask her where in her job, her socialization, her life are you a priority? Also be aware that she may be feeling like she is missing something from you too - be willing to listen with an open heart about what she may say in regard to that.

Then follow up the talk with action. Define the steps that you require to be taken in order to try and right things - such as decreasing the job time drain, increasing socializing together - considering MC to reconnect - and perhaps, the finality of separation or divorce if things cannot be resolved.

It's a very common conflict among couples - probably been that way since the beginning of time. Mostly we are all selfish beings and it is difficult to put the needs and desires of another ahead of our own, but having a successful marriage requires both partners to get to that kind of mindset - without each partner (assuming they are of reasonable mental/emotional health) having a giving mentality a marriage will struggle . Getting to that point can take some time, patience, understanding, and leadership.

Best wishes.


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## matty421 (Mar 23, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi matty ~
> 
> Your desires and feelings are perfectly normal. Most men want their wives to desire and admire them, sexually and otherwise, above all others. And women want the same thing - although for some the order may be otherwise and sex.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply... We have had a lot of talks about it recently. Unfortunately, it persists. Everything I say, she takes as a personal attack which makes her want me less. She has strange responses to "blame". If there is any "blame" placed on her, she closes up and it gets more and more complicated.

I feel as though marriage counseling might be a good option for us. We can't seem to communicate through this without more animosity coming into play...

One thing is certain, that children would make this worse. Age will make this worse. I feel as though I am fighting for something that might already be lost, but I guess I have to fight or it's already over.


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

It does get a bit tougher when a child is in the picture. I would have probably been out by now, but I'm hoping it is just the breastfeeding that has given my wife almost zero sex drive. I keep telling myself it'll get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

matty421 said:


> Well, where do I begin. Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but women's advice seems to be more appropriate.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 2.5 years now. We have been hitting a rough patch. While most marriages have some recurring issues and things that need to be worked, I have for the first time as of recently, begin to seriously doubt if we'll make it. Or if we are even right for each other.
> 
> ...


Print this post and give it to her.


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## matty421 (Mar 23, 2012)

I've considered that, but there are some things that might be hurtful. I think we are going to seek counseling... But I've thought about it...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matty,
I think you owe it to yourself to read a bunch of posts by 
Simply amorous
Enchantment
Catherine

These women are all strong, intelligent people who understand the true meaning of being a life partner. My wife is like them in many ways. Because you can then think about what you want in a wife and can ignore all the cynics who say: marriage means ... Long list of bad outcomes for the man.

Then read married man sex life by Athol Kay 

And I have two short posts for you to read. All that said, what any happily married person (man or wife) will tell you is that they have boundaries which if their partner repeatedly violated, they would eventually end the marriage. And I say that because you could be the best husband in the world, but if your wife has decided that you don't deserve to be a very high priority, you will have only two options:
Stay and be taken more and more for granted over time or
Leave

One thing is for sure. Every post I have ever seen from a guy who got depriorotized before kids, explains in his words how itgot much worse and stayed worse after kids.




QUOTE=matty421;643654]Thanks for the reply... We have had a lot of talks about it recently. Unfortunately, it persists. Everything I say, she takes as a personal attack which makes her want me less. She has strange responses to "blame". If there is any "blame" placed on her, she closes up and it gets more and more complicated.

I feel as though marriage counseling might be a good option for us. We can't seem to communicate through this without more animosity coming into play...

One thing is certain, that children would make this worse. Age will make this worse. I feel as though I am fighting for something that might already be lost, but I guess I have to fight or it's already over.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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