# Lost Newbie



## planebuff (Jan 20, 2017)

Hello All,

I guess like some of you, I ended up here after searching anything I could for help.

A week ago, my wife of 28 years revealed to me that she has been having an on and off affair with a guy. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. She is the last person I ever expected would do this. 
She is genuinely sorry and at times inconsolable about what she has done. She was finally willing to give me the details and of the 4 times a sex act happened over this time period, two of them were her giving him oral which for some reason hurts more to think about than the intercourse. 
While I am trying to figure out if I want to try to repair our marriage or not, one of the hardest things is getting "images" of them doing these acts, what she said to him during, what he said, did she enjoy it more than when we do it? 
I am sure some of you know what I am trying to say. How can I best get past thinking those thoughts? It is like I am consumed with them.

Thanks in advance


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Nearly everyone here can empathize with where you are at the moment. The "mind movies" are brutal initially. Over time they diminish, but they never go away and are subject to being triggered and bubble back to the surface for years and years, if you choose to attempt reconciliation (R).

I've been cheated on an divorced (D'd) and I'm currently well into R after being cheated on again. Many take exception to this statement, but I've lived both scenarios and D is by far the easiest and quickest way to make the mind movies go away and get out of infidelity.

However, at this point, tell us a little more about your situation:

Do you have minor children?

How was your marriage (M) prior to the A?

Is the other man (OM) still in the picture? co-worker, etc.?

Do you consider an A a dealbreaker for you?

Apparently, your wayward wife (WW) wants to R, but more importantly what do YOU want?


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## planebuff (Jan 20, 2017)

Thanks for the reply.

More about situation. We have two children but they are grown out of house. Our marriage before the A was good a lot of times but I did go through a couple years of bad depression which during that time I wasnt the funnest guy to be around and she sat with me through until I finally found the right help. I have been mentally good for about the last two years. 
Never any physical abuse, alcoholism.
She said the last physical contact was 3 months ago and the day before she revealed to me, she cut off all contact with him and told him to never contact her. I can only assume she is telling me truth. 
About a year ago, I make a comfortable enough living and she had been at same stressful job for 21 years that I told her to retire and enjoy life more. She started going out with a couple of her friends and apparently the other guy played for the band that would perform at these places she went to. He is a runner as my wife and so they started meeting up to run. One thing lead to another and here we are. She says she has zero filling for him anymore other than a little hatred but she hates herself too.

She desperately wants to R and at times I do to but not sure it is possible with all these bad thoughts. I do hope this doesnt re-ignite my depression.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

planebuff said:


> She desperately wants to R and at times I do to but not sure it is possible with all these bad thoughts. I do hope this doesnt re-ignite my depression.


Where were those feelings when she had his D in her mouth? I hear you man, and I know you have years and years of good thoughts and times. She soiled them. Not you. She will make it seem like it's your fault you cannot get over it, or forgive her. And it will gnaw at your soul forever. There are those who think reconciliation after cheating is possible. The problem is that what you had is over forever. Do you want to have a new marriage with this woman now? She won't ever forget what she has done, neither will you. Maybe she becomes submissive to you...is that what you want? Maybe defiant? All that matters is what you had is gone forever, and it's up to you to determine if starting over with her is worth it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Assume you don't have the truth cheaters lie, they are very good at it and they have had practice. The threat of a polygraph usually gets all of the truth out there plus that gives her a sense of the seriousness of what she has done and how it has destroyed your trust. Check to see if she has cheated in the past, it's very rare that people just start to cheat 28 years later. Most have some character flaws that they have been good at hiding. They do this to minimize the damage and protect themselves. You must make sure she no longer has contact with the other man. If he is married you need to tell the spouse as it will blow up the affair and it is the right thing to do. You can only heal yourself, not your wife and not your marriage will never be the same one again. The mind movies may die down but they will pop up when you least expect them. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I ended my relationship and it wasn't until I fully loved another that those images had no more pain for me. My cheater was just another person at that point, she held no emotional power over me so the thoughts didn't either. 

What I am going to write in this next paragraph will be painful, give up the idea that you can get back the marriage you had, it's dead. The women you were married to is now dead, this is a different woman with different morals and motives. This is a different marriage that in some ways will always have this other man in it. Make sure you understand that no matter what you do. Holding out hope for it to be like it was will only torture you. It is truly dead and just like when someone dies if you hold out hope for them to come back you will slowly make you crazy. Too many strive for this only to be continually disappointed. The sooner you accept your new reality the better off you will be. Do not make the choice to save this thinking if you do you will go back to the way it was, you won't. 

She must face consequences do not be one of these people who give away all your power because of fear and pain. You did nothing wrong. This is all on your wife. You should also expose her because she needs to have consequences for her actions. You may want to give her the option to be the one to do it while you are there. If she is truly remorseful she should accept this as part of her penance. She needs to cut out the friends that she had that watched her do this and did nothing. You kids should know so that you are not the one seen as the bad guy if you decide to move on. Your wife should get a job immediately because if you divorce you will have to pay her alimony (yes you will have to pay for a cheater depending on income disparity, and right now she has none) and it's not fair that you support her, plus she has proven that she can't be trusted with too much time on her hands. 

What has your wife done to get help and prove to you she has changed besides crying?

I'm sorry. This is nothing but unfair to you, and it probably alway will be if you stay. Many learn to live with that. Others move on and have very happy lives with a fair deal with someone else.

Understand if you do reconsile (R) your wife doesn't deserve it, it is purly the gift of you living in hell for her, or maybe not for her but your family.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What prompted the confession?


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

planebuff said:


> I do hope this doesnt re-ignite my depression.


You are getting some really good feedback. Try to let it soak in ... these guys have all been where you are now.

As for the depression ... yeah, I've dealt with some of that too in my life and I can tell you from first hand experience that experiencing your WW A will likely make it much worse. That particular rabbit hole can get very deep at times. Make sure you let your doctor in on what you're going through ... no kidding, your life may depend on it.

With depression being what sounds like a major factor in your life, PLEASE see your doctor first, and then an attorney to see what a D will look like for you in your circumstances. It's information you'll need to make fully informed and rational decisions going forward.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

^ i agree

You need to figure out if it is worth it for you. What you had is gone forever. Trust and respect are the most precious intangible elements of any relationship. She broke both of those without a single thought. The movies (ugh been there done that!) are brutal, i feel for you. They do go away over time but its hell.

You need some time and space to figure yourself out right now. 

Get STD tested

Those more pro R will be along im sure and help guide you if that's your path. I guess the fact that she confessed and is inconsolable is an ok sign. She didnt have to tell you. it sounds like you were clueless. So her guilt overcame her and she had to tell you. 

Keep an eye on her actions and frankly if she did it once I wouldn't be surprised if shes done it before. 

What are your requirements to R?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) You need to get tested for STD's. Dude was in a band?? Ya. Get tested.

2) Grab a pot of coffee and read this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739 It has the best info you will read anywhere in it.

3) Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise, don't drink, keep busy. See your dr. if you need to.

4) Tell people. Tell your best friend, your family, whoever you think will help you get through this. You need people to lean on. If anyone - ANYone - tries to tell you that this is in ANY way your fault, get them out of your life immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

5) Consider IC. And do not make any final decisions right now. About keeping her or getting rid of her.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I can't tell you what to do to stop the mind movies because I very quickly divorced my XWW and didn't have to deal with them. However, I'd recommend taking a few weeks to yourself to think about what you want. If it's possible, have her leave the house and don't speak with her during this time so you can think more clearly. Discuss the situation with a counselor and close family and friends to get their opinion, then decide for yourself what direction you want to go and under what circumstances.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you choose to stay. You should sent her azz back to work. She had too much free time.

Plus going out with "the group" stops now. If she wants to run - the can up and down the road you live on until you feel you can trust her again - which in my case was never. Once burned, I refuse to enter the same situation again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am sorry if this stuff is hard to hear, but it is better that you go into this with your eyes wide open. 

This is not like she confessed the first time racked with guilt, it went on for some time, so it is likely this guy used her and then skipped out, or move onto his next open mouth. My point being she says she hates herself but it is at least partly because she was tricked and blew up her life. Not because of how she hurt you. This would also explain why she hates herself. Plus if this guy is the stereotypical guy from the band, in his mind he was never going to be nothing more than a hookup. She was a fool and probably feels like such. Talk about cliche, that is got to be painful when you blow up 28 years for that. I am sure she does hate herself. She didn't hate herself the first bunch of times. Cheaters lie. Don't believe her story. Ask for a polygraph, I bet you get more to the story. 

I also must stress again the friends that were a part of this must be cut off forever. Family must be told. Kids must be told. She must get back to work. Do not support her after she stabbed you in the back. Do let her make you the bad guy here. You gave her 28 years of your life. 

Next remember if you continue in this relationship your deal is different now. It's not what you agreed to. You agreed to a woman who would be faithful, now you are saddled with a cheater. You agreed to someone who would honor and protect you, someone to be your best friend, this person stabbed you in the back. Many of the people who R believe that they are going back the old deal. Don't believe it, the terms of the agreement have greatly changed and won't go back to before, there is no way to get them back, you know what she is capable of. If you met her today and I gave you those terms would you still sign up? Because make no mistake this is what you are signing up for if you stay.

You can still be friends with this women and even go to family social events, but you may be able to get a better deal with someone else now that your deal has been destroyed. There are still prospects out there for Men at an older age. This may be a new begining for you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

planebuff said:


> While I am trying to figure out if I want to try to repair our marriage or not, one of the hardest things is getting "images" of them doing these acts, what she said to him during, what he said, did she enjoy it more than when we do it?
> I am sure some of you know what I am trying to say. How can I best get past thinking those thoughts? It is like I am consumed with them.


For me, it took about two years for the mind images to fade. I think that after two years, we have thought about every detail so many times that those images lose their effect to suddenly ruin a few hours. I still remember everything clearly, but after a few years, I no longer have strong feelings for my wife. If I still did have strong feelings, maybe those images would still bother me. 

If you are leaning towards reconciliation, wait a year to make any decision to reconcile. Don't be stupid like many of us and announce your desire to reconcile too soon.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

planebuff said:


> Hello All,
> 
> I guess like some of you, I ended up here after searching anything I could for help.
> 
> ...


The reason her giving him oral hurts you so much is because most women don't get any real enjoyment from giving a guy oral.They do it because they are really attracted to him and want to please him or because they are expecting awesome sex afterwards.If she confessed to having sex with him four times I would put a zero on the end of the four and it would probably be closer to the truth.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

planebuff said:


> Thanks for the reply.
> 
> More about situation. _*We have two children but they are grown out of house. *_Our marriage before the A was good a lot of times but I did go through a couple years of bad depression which during that time I wasnt the funnest guy to be around and she sat with me through until I finally found the right help. I have been mentally good for about the last two years.
> Never any physical abuse, alcoholism.
> ...


Mind movies: As someone else posted, they are so horrible as to be debilitating in the beginning. Now - define "beginning" as a time-frame. For me it was 2 years - that was "in the beginning" for me. I then found a way to deflect the images into a mental garbage can and found some relief from them. But 30 years later I still have them and I am sickened and angered each time I experience them - which is nearly every day. 

I believe had I divorced her and started a new life these images would have lost their power to crush me nearly immediately. I would have been able to associate the images with the knowledge that I dumped the disgusting sl*t who betrayed me. That thought would have buoyed my self-esteem when these images intruded into my mind rather than crushed me. I quickly associated these images with the knowledge that I am a pathetic weakling who cannot muster the courage to spit in her face and walk away. But, hey - your mileage may vary...

When it's the sex that is the most crushing element of her betrayal, I always advise that a betrayed husband choose divorce as his best path to recovery. When there are young children involved I understand that he might simply have to at least try to reconcile for those kids. I understand but I still encourage that he ends the marriage. The reason is simple: inevitably, since he is tortured by the sex and will never forgive her, he either divorces later on or lives unhappily ever after. 

My friend, your kids are grown. Call a lawyer and go see him/her ASAP. Find out how it all works. Be sure to tell him that you want to physically separate from her as soon as possible and you need advice on how best to accomplish this without hurting your case. Once you understand the legal stuff get the hell out of there. Be generous in the divorce so you can get it over with as soon as possible. This is your best path to recovery. If you stay you will resent her for the betrayal and that will turn into contempt and, finally, to hatred. Save yourself this tour down the emotional toilet and divorce her now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> For me, it took about two years for the mind images to fade. I think that after two years, we have thought about every detail so many times that those images lose their effect to suddenly ruin a few hours. I still remember everything clearly, but after a few years, I no longer have strong feelings for my wife. If I still did have strong feelings, maybe those images would still bother me.
> 
> If you are leaning towards reconciliation, wait a year to make any decision to reconcile. Don't be stupid like many of us and announce your desire to reconcile too soon.


I think there is a lot of truth in this, it was true for me to even though I wasn't talking to my ex. The mind movies are as powerful as your attachment to your SO. It took me meeting someone else and seems it took you not caring about you wife a much. What gives them power is your feeling of connection/bond to the person you love.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

planebuff said:


> She was finally willing to give me the details and of the 4 times a sex act happened over this time period, two of them were her giving him oral which for some reason hurts more to think about than the intercourse.


Gently my friend - this is complete bull$hit. I don't point this out to hurt you but since it's the sex that's killing you it's important that you get at the truth here. 

In all my experience with infidelity, personal and the hundreds of BH threads I've read over many years, not one time has the cheating wife been forthcoming with any truth regarding the sex. Never - not one time. Again, it is not my intention to throw salt on your wound but she's lying about all of it. All of it. If you get her to tell you the "facts" she will study your face for reactions and avoid anything she thinks you will not be able to accept. So if you get a chance for this talk try to be as detached as possible and keep encouraging her to reveal all of the truth if you are ever to trust her again. She will still hold back and minimize but there is only so much "truth" she will ever reveal. 

You may have a better chance to get details out of the other man if you approach him in the right way. Remember - this is all on your wife. The other man simply didn't turn down the easy, no-strings sex your wife was offering. If he knows she was married he is certainly complicit in the cheating but face it, your wife is the gatekeeper and she handed him the key.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

drifter777 said:


> Mind movies: As someone else posted, they are so horrible as to be debilitating in the beginning. Now - define "beginning" as a time-frame. For me it was 2 years - that was "in the beginning" for me. I then found a way to deflect the images into a mental garbage can and found some relief from them. But 30 years later I still have them and I am sickened and angered each time I experience them - which is nearly every day.
> 
> I believe had I divorced her and started a new life these images would have lost their power to crush me nearly immediately. I would have been able to associate the images with the knowledge that I dumped the disgusting sl*t who betrayed me. That thought would have buoyed my self-esteem when these images intruded into my mind rather than crushed me. I quickly associated these images with the knowledge that I am a pathetic weakling who cannot muster the courage to spit in her face and walk away. But, hey - your mileage may vary...
> 
> ...


If you choose to divorce just make her get a job first. It will be part of your settlement assessment. Plus her ass should have been working like yesterday. Talk about taking advantage of a good thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

planebuff said:


> Thanks for the reply.
> 
> More about situation. We have two children but they are grown out of house. Our marriage before the A was good a lot of times but I did go through a couple years of bad depression which during that time I wasnt the funnest guy to be around and she sat with me through until I finally found the right help. I have been mentally good for about the last two years.
> Never any physical abuse, alcoholism.
> ...


You need counselling for yourself and couple's counselling.

Your wife might also benefit from individual counselling, too.


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## planebuff (Jan 20, 2017)

Wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to try and help me.

I have appointment Tuesday to see my Doctor since I feel like my depression is coming back. Obviously I will discuss the STD as well. I made her go this past Thursday to have a full physical and blood work check for STD.

I am just lost and hopeless.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

planebuff said:


> About a year ago, I make a comfortable enough living and she had been at same stressful job for 21 years that I told her to retire and enjoy life more. She started going out with a couple of her friends and apparently the other guy played for the band that would perform at these places she went to. He is a runner as my wife and so they started meeting up to run. One thing lead to another and here we are.


 So you show her that her happiness is important to you by telling her "to retire and enjoy life more", and she repays this act of love by using the free time she now has to start seeing another man where she enjoys life more by sucking his d1€k and having sex with him? If you do decide to try to stay in this marriage (not sure I would), she needs to get a job again. Besides, if it does not work out and you divorce (no matter what you think now this may still happen), with her being out of work for so short a time, the courts would require her to work again in determining alimony. Whereas is she is retired for too long they may not.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Gus asked a very important question to be considered before you make any decisions in a future with your wife... knowing what brought the confession forward is a critical clarity for what path you take now.

The past is done, nothing can be changed in it... feeling lost, as you know, creates disorienting steps that leave you wandering about without moving forward. Take a breath, a deep one, and realize you have complete control of this turning point.

An important first exhale should utter the words "I will not be a victim here", and believe it because you are not and you give up all power of self when you go there.

Time to think and live "empowerment" for yourself.

This can not and will not break you...


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> For me, it took about two years for the mind images to fade. I think that after two years, we have thought about every detail so many times that those images lose their effect to suddenly ruin a few hours. *I still remember everything clearly, but after a few years, I no longer have strong feelings for my wife. If I still did have strong feelings, maybe those images would still bother me. *
> 
> If you are leaning towards reconciliation, wait a year to make any decision to reconcile. Don't be stupid like many of us and announce your desire to reconcile too soon.


This bolded above is a profound statement. How damn sad.

A man should have strong loving feelings for his wife. If he does not or can not, then why stay married?

If you cannot lust after your spouse you have two choices. Roll up in a ball and die. Or divorce them and find a "new" true love. Life *without any lust* is a life not worth living.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> What prompted the confession?


My guess her squeeze is a member of the 3-F club and he ditched her. Now she wants back into the pasture where the grass wasn't as green. Sokillme did an excellent analysis on the reason behind her confession. People confess to make themselves feel better, not for their victims. It often harder to keep your deeds to yourself than it is to confess and get it off your chest. Hence, she should kept her mouth shut for a couple of reasons. Planebuff need to realize if she really cared about him, she wouldn't have been seeing this other cat to begin with. 
Planebuff's depression is likely situational and can't be alleviated by understanding her interest in him had waned, forgiving and getting rid of her and of course replacing her with a fresh and younger model. As for the mind movies, I'm sure his disloyal spouse is having her share of them to.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> My guess her squeeze is a member of the 3-F club and he ditched her. Now she wants back into the pasture where the grass wasn't as green. Sokillme did an excellent analysis on the reason behind her confession. People confess to make themselves feel better, not for their victims. It often harder to keep your deeds to yourself than it is to confess and get it off your chest. Hence, *she should kept her mouth shut for a couple of reasons.* Planebuff need to realize if she really cared about him, she wouldn't have been seeing this other cat to begin with.
> Planebuff's depression is likely situational and can't be alleviated by understanding her interest in him had waned, forgiving and getting rid of her and of course replacing her with a fresh and younger model. As for the mind movies, I'm sure his disloyal spouse is having her share of them to.


Whatever her reasons for confessing, it was the right thing to do.

Her husband had a right to know that she'd stepped outside of the marriage, as well the right to make an informed decision w/ respect to whether or not he -- in light of her transgressions -- wants to remain in the marriage.


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## planebuff (Jan 20, 2017)

I guess after 32 years, you get a gut feeling something is "off". After some pushing she first admitted to a "flirting" affair when she and girlfriends would go out. Just didnt seem right and I pushed some more and a couple days later she admitted to actual affair. What I wish I hadnt done is ask for details. I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
I do know I am still in love with her but just dont know if that is enough to R. Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.
Life sucks

thx


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

drifter777 said:


> Gently my friend - this is complete bull$hit. I don't point this out to hurt you but since it's the sex that's killing you it's important that you get at the truth here.
> 
> She will still hold back and minimize but there is only so much "truth" she will ever reveal.
> 
> Face it, your wife is the gatekeeper and she handed him the key.


Close, but no Monica cigar! 

Yes, she is the Gatekeeper. But she also has the Lock.

POSOM has the key. It is a push-pull type, no twisting required.

I know, picky, picky!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

planebuff said:


> I guess after 32 years, you get a gut feeling something is "off". After some pushing she first admitted to a "flirting" affair when she and girlfriends would go out. Just didnt seem right and I pushed some more and a couple days later she admitted to actual affair. What I wish I hadnt done is ask for details. I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
> I do know I am still in love with her but just dont know if that is enough to R. Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.
> Life sucks
> 
> thx


OK.

But you "owe" her no honor. After the divorce and settlement the children could be told the truth by someone else. That someone would be doing so at your request. Let them hear the truth. Why is it your heart is the only one to be "broken"? It just does not seem to be fair. The children will still love their mother. But only half as much. That is Justice served cold.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Absolutely the kids will need to be told...it would be better from her, but eventually they need to be told. I am with the others that, yo need some time to yourself without any interruptions from her.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

planebuff said:


> Wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to try and help me.
> 
> I have appointment Tuesday to see my Doctor since I feel like my depression is coming back. Obviously I will discuss the STD as well. I made her go this past Thursday to have a full physical and blood work check for STD.
> 
> I am just lost and hopeless.


That is a good start. I was in a 25 year marriage that ended so I know roughly how you feel. I think that you are being really sensible going back to the Doctors for some help. It is really hard to think clearly in this situation. 

Okay.. As you have been told already cheaters lie. They lie to "protect your feelings", they lie to continue their affair and they l lie because they can. This is an awful but that is where you are.
Typically:
An affair is 2 to 3 times longer than they initially admit
They minimise the sexual acts 
They tell you it is over when it is just on hold.

Everyone is right when they say that your marriage is over. You can never go back to the life you had. After almost three decades together though it is not a simple process to let go. You grew up together, went though hard times together, suffered hurt together, many,many times and that counts for something. Right? 
Wrong. She knew all that and still did it. 
*How to reconcile.*
It is too early and you may find that given a little time that you do not want to. Your marriage is over and you have no further moral obligations to your wife. She traded that when she had sex with another man.
Look at your life. Is this what you want?
What do you really want to do?

I know you are saying.. "Hell, I just want my life back." 
Sorry. Can't have that one. Regardless of R or D you are building a new life.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

planebuff said:


> I guess after 32 years, you get a gut feeling something is "off".* After some pushing she first admitted to a "flirting" affair when she and girlfriends would go out*. Just didnt seem right and I pushed some more and a couple days later she admitted to actual affair. What I wish I hadnt done is ask for details. I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
> I do know I am still in love with her but just dont know if that is enough to R. Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.
> Life sucks
> 
> thx


Pinebluff,

First, let me start by telling you that you are only hopeless and helpless if you choose to be that. So lets start out with the need for the entire truth, which you do not have yet. You do not know if the real reason she confessed was because you were probing. You do not know if it is the truth the she broke it off with him and you cannot believe carte blanch what she is telling you since she gave you no proof of that. What you need from her immediately is a WRITTEN timeline of this affair from beginning to end, WITH the details of when where (running events, hotels, his house, car, etc). This needs to be in writing so she cannot change the details and you need it ASAP so she cannot claim amnesia. You need to give her a specific time to give it to you, and since she does not work, she can run less and write more starting immediately. No negotiation. But do not bet your 401K that you know the entire truth right now and take my word, and others, that the trickle truth will be at least as painful as the discovery or worse, and in many cases is what actually destroys the marriage. you need to tell her she is going to get one chance to give you every bit of truth, and make no commitments or threats.

One thing you better address really quickly also is the group of girlfriends. if it is true that she met this Om at clubs when out with them you can bet some of them know exactly what she was doing. and you can then also bet some of them were either egging her on and at worst covering for her or helping her. These people need to be cut out of your life and that is also a non negotiable. if you know any of these girlfriends, do you really want to interact with them knowing they have been standing there knowing you wife is banging another man and treating you with such disrespect.

notice the two paragraphs above include things that YOU decide are NOT NEGOTIABLE. That is the start of you taking control of the narrative here and not backpedaling and taking the blows.

lets keep moving forward.
(1) is the OM married?? She better be willing to give up his name and be truthful. You are going to blow up this guys life if you are smart but for now just get the information. do not say a word to your wife about telling his wife or girlfriend if he has one. 
(2) She claims she broke contact. you have no idea if that is really true. my guess is if she did, it was along the lines of "my husband found out, I have to cool it". if she is claiming she hates him , that is probably crap but not really that positive. If she hates him it is because he probably dumped her or really pissed her off. women enter affairs to begin with in most cases for emotional reasons, and if she has been involved for some time she hates him for a reason. DO NOT let her turn this Om into some kind of super predator that took advantage of her. you wife is the problem. he just wanted to get laid. contacting him and begging for answers will make you look like a fool.
(3) She turns over all passwords and e mails and becomes totally transparent on everything electronic. No erasing or deleting message. She lost her right to privacy when she removed her panties.
(4) She has no more girls night out until you find out who knew. No out of town trips and she accounts for her wherabouts during the day. And she gives up runnig anywhere other than with herself right now. 
(50 you put a VAR IN HER CAR, and you will find out very quickly if she is still in contact with him or what she is saying to her girlfriends. i keep going back to the girlfriends because if she was out with friends interacting with this guy, these others could not be blind to the flirting she was doing. peer pressure is your enemy here,and in todays world, everything women read or see on Tv relative to infidelity glamorizes it, and she will be told that just to hang in there and give you as little information as possible. At least 50% of her friends will tell her that you will not leave and that you will get over it.

Pinebluff, the absolute LAST thing you should do right now is run like a race car driver to a therapist. There is time for that and let me explain. this Ic and MC is not a quantitative science and the so called experts on infidelity are all over the map. There are actually some that would tell you even if she was still seeing him to just let it continue and try to woo her back with kindness. in other words when she goes to bang him, tell her how pretty she looks. When and if you go to therapy you need to interview the therapist and since you are the customer, you do not go pay and sit there and have someone tell you to just suck it up and concentrate on what you did wrong. You go to therapy when and if you are CERTAIN you have the VERIFIABLE truth. and i would also be careful with IC for your wife if you get to that point. There have been a number of recent threads where WW were actually told to NOT tell the whole truth and to withhold revealing breaks in NC.

You can also assume, or should assume, that unless you can verify this so called break up , that OM will attempt to contact your wife again. my guess is her no contact communication basically told him that since you were pressing her that they had to cool it and stop. But count on it, he will be fishing for more sex until he is convinced there is no more to be had. right now you have no clue what really happened between them. Remember her words mean nothing right now.

now if you look at some of the things I have mentioned, guess what??? You wife, if she is really showing signs of remorse and not regret at getting caught, should be offering to do ANYTHING SHE CAN TO CONVINCE YOU SHE IS WORTHY OF YOU RECONCILING. notice I said it is her job to convince you. Women who resist NC, transparency, curtailing of the outside social life, or ridding themselves of toxic friends, are much more likely to restart the affair or do it again.

Pinebluff, you are in control of this if you want to be. denial will be your worst enemy if you let it be. in any infidelity, you have two choices. You either get out of infidelity or stay in in by trying to save the marriage at all costs. Sometimes you cannot do both.

Lastly, there are two schools of thought. it has already been suggested to you to get away from her for a while. i disagree. Right now, you need to be in her face showing her strength and consequences and making her believe that there is a possibility that she has blown up her life. Giving her space keeps you also in the dark and increases the chances that this will restart if ever stopped and she will then tell you it was because she thought you were done with her. You need to be watching her actions up close and in person, not getting texts from a proven liar telling you she is behaving and loves you.

Another last thing. As ****ty as this is, you kids are grown and you do not have to deal with this for financial or child support reasons if you choose not to stay with her.

you have a lot on your plate. But i just hope some of what I have written has shown you that you do have the ability to take control of yourself and the narrative here. believe me that will help your feeling of helpless that you have right now.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

I forgot to mention that I am no longer married to my ExW. I miss that woman I loved but she has gone, even with her trying really hard to be the good wife I could not get over the idea that she had given herself so totally to another man. Maybe it is hard wired into guys brains. It takes some intellectual work over many years to get over that betrayal. Maybe I am a Neanderthal. Maybe i am a unforgiving bstrd. 
I don't give a single fck. << that is the big clue


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Pinebluff,
> 
> First, let me start by telling you that you are only hopeless and helpless if you choose to be that. So lets start out with the need for the entire truth, which you do not have yet. You do not know if the real reason she confessed was because you were probing. You do not know if it is the truth the she broke it off with him and you cannot believe carte blanch what she is telling you since she gave you no proof of that. What you need from her immediately is a WRITTEN timeline of this affair from beginning to end, WITH the details of when where (running events, hotels, his house, car, etc). This needs to be in writing so she cannot change the details and you need it ASAP so she cannot claim amnesia. You need to give her a specific time to give it to you, and since she does not work, she can run less and write more starting immediately. No negotiation. But do not bet your 401K that you know the entire truth right now and take my word, and others, that the trickle truth will be at least as painful as the discovery or worse, and in many cases is what actually destroys the marriage. you need to tell her she is going to get one chance to give you every bit of truth, and make no commitments or threats.
> 
> ...


^^tough but true^^


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> One thing you better address really quickly also is the group of girlfriends. if it is true that she met this Om at clubs when out with them you can bet some of them know exactly what she was doing. and you can then also bet some of them were either egging her on and at worst covering for her or helping her. These people need to be cut out of your life and that is also a non negotiable. if you know any of these girlfriends, do you really want to interact with them knowing they have been standing there knowing you wife is banging another man and treating you with such disrespect.


I would add that if these girlfriends are married, their husbands should be informed of their antics. It's important that consequences should be meted out all around.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Whatever her reasons for confessing, it was the right thing to do.
> 
> Her husband had a right to know that she'd stepped outside of the marriage, as well the right to make an informed decision w/ respect to whether or not he -- in light of her transgressions -- wants to remain in the marriage.


In the final analysis Gus, you're probably right. I'd want to know rather than my spouse making a fool out of me from here to BFE. However, for these cats that don't have it in them to do anything about it other than the so called "pick me dance", beg her to stop and reconcile, play the mind movies of his old lady doing other guys, and just can't cut her loose regardless of what she does, I ain't so sure its not more merciful if he don't know what she's doing.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP

She admitted a low number of acts with OM but you can get good odds the number was higher.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

planebuff said:


> I guess after 32 years, you get a gut feeling something is "off". After some pushing she first admitted to a "flirting" affair when she and girlfriends would go out. Just didnt seem right and I pushed some more and a couple days later she admitted to actual affair. What I wish I hadnt done is ask for details. I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
> I do know I am still in love with her but just dont know if that is enough to R. Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.
> Life sucks
> 
> thx


Sad to say, this is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. It's called Trickle Truth, and we've seen this here many, many times. Just a blow job? Seriously?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You've got the gist. You only have the "tip of the iceberg". You don't have to decide anything right now but remember this. Cheaters lie a lot and just because you've found out doesn't mean it's over. You never thought shed lie or cheat either did you? Maybe you should reflect back this may not be her first rodeo.

If he's married inform his wife. Helping hide her affair won't get you much. Except more pain later.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you go online and check your phone bill you might gain some insight. As others have said you won't get the truth upfront. I would bet her girlfriends maybe enablers as well. Better dig a bit if you're planning to stay in this. Right now you only know what she's telling you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Man you better get stronger or you are in for a world of pain. This seem to be the same story that plays out over and over, if you don't get assertive you are going to get abused. You really have no idea. I am afraid if you don't change yourself now and get strong you are going to be in years of pain. 

Look man, this 5hit is like war, if you don't get strong and active you are going to get killed. We have all giving damn good advice, most of us have been through it one way or another, and have read story after story. There are two types of recoveries, the ones who get strong and make it through the fire, and the ones who go down with the ship. You are going down with the ship. Follow the advice even if you just go on auto pilot and start acting, or you are in for more hell then you already have. 

You have the rest of your life, how are you going to live it. Who are you going to live it with. What are you going to put up with. Today is the day.

And tell you g-damn kids you need some allies and some help and your wife is sure not that right now! She obviously doesn't walk on water and that may be part of her problem, maybe she thinks she does.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

It's time for a polygraph.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Planebluff,

Dont make any decisions about your future when you are in the current state. Many have said that you probably do not have the whole story. Ask her to do a polygraph to see if there is more.

She has to bend over backwards to answer all questions, access to all phones, etc.
If the POS OM has a wife, she also needs to know.
Focus on yourself now not the marriage, treat your WW as you would an acquaintance, polite but firm, no discussion on the marriage. Get IC for yourself so that you know where you are and get to a stronger place, build yourself up, go to the gym, buy nice clothes, get out more with friends. Let your wife know that you haven't made a decision yet as to what to do.
Let all friends and family know, do not hide this stuff to protect her, she needs to be exposed, there has to be consequences, including telling the kids.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I truly wish you the best. If it were me I don't think I could R. I could never kiss her again knowing the OM wiener was once parked between those lips, but that's just me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thound said:


> I truly wish you the best. If it were me I don't think I could R. I could never kiss her again knowing the OM wiener was once parked between those lips, but that's just me.


That's not just you. And that's why it's my deal breaker, I just wouldn't be able to accept it. Because of everything I've read in the old DC forum (yes it still exists and I have all the links to it) it would be my breaking point.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think people react in a predictable set of different ways to news like yours. You vomited at the thought of the sex acts, esp. the bj. Your reaction indicates that your view of your WW is forever changed - for the worse. 

I think that you can entertain thoughts of R as you move through the shock of this, but in the end it will be a dealbreaker for you. I've heard other men call their wives 'damaged goods' when they learn of A's like your WW's. I think you are like these men. So sorry for your pain.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

The mind movie are he!l and will be with you for years. But, your wife is remorseful and that says a lot about your chances of R if you choose to go that route. R isn't for everyone, and it may not be for you either. If you do R, make sure your wife owns what she did. In most cases it simply comes down to wanting something new, not some long drawn out psycho babble about abandonment issues and daddy complexes. She was bored and wanted some excitement. The big question? Will she do it again? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

planebuff said:


> I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
> 
> Life sucks


When you vomited you tasted what was in your gut, your stomach, your mental storage organ.

If you do not get yourself under control you will vomit bile.

Bile, that bitter, alkaline, brownish-yellow or greenish-yellow fluid that is secreted by the liver. That putrid muck is stored in the gallbladder, and discharged into the duodenum, the first section of small intestine past the stomach. Bile breaks down fat, and it breaks down your resolve to see this crisis through. 

Before this all happened, she was *worth her weight in gold* to you. 

Now, *she is not worth the wait*. Just let her go. Let her find more male minds to blow. More minds to drain of hot.....blood. 

Her tears look real. But they are salty and they are crocodillean. Crocodiles thrive in salt water. 

Your wife was a good women at one time. Then she wasn't. She matured into someone whom no man can presently trust.

She had every right to have feelings of desire for someone else. But not while she was married to you. It is the betrayal that is wrong. She should have divorced you, then acted on her lustful thoughts.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

ulyssesheart said:


> She had every right to have feelings of desire for someone else. But not while she was married to you. It is the betrayal that is wrong. She should have divorced you, then acted on her lustful thoughts.


:iagree:

We all have a choice, as you do now but there is a right way to do things. I don't need to tell you infidelity, in any form, isn't right.
Hang on in there, get through the grief cycles and then make your decision. In the meantime, start D proceedings, it will be a tangible form of something for you to use positively, R or not.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My advice is to consult with an atty pronto. In some states, having sex with her after finding out about her cheating will be taken to be forgiveness. Which could erase some of your rights in a divorce. But that totally depends on where you live, so you need the advice of a local lawyer. Most will give a free 15-30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered. You'll find out how things generally go where you live.

You need to protect yourself first now. It is time to be selfish. That means protecting your finances as well as your health. It may make sense to separate out your finances, perhaps going to a 50/50 split of expenses. Perhaps having totally separate accounts. Definitely look at your estate and beneficiaries (401k, life insurance, etc). You may want to set up a trust so that your half goes to your kids, not her. You can write in a provision to the trust which kicks in only in the event one or the other of you files for divorce. Anyhow, something to think about. Also seriously consider a post-nup at this point if you decide to try to R.

There is a lot of wisdom in the strategy of filing for divorce while trying to R. If you do, she will have to do A+ work to win you back. If you don't file for divorce, she may do what 99% of cheaters do, which is D- work - just enough that you don't leave her. It also sets a line in the sand legally which protects your finances.

Your wife's apparent remorse and apparently cutting off the affair herself is a rare thing. It is an optimistic sign. But do verify what she has told you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Malaise said:


> OP
> 
> She admitted a low number of acts with OM but you can get good odds the number was higher.


Agreed...

If she was 100% honest in giving you the "details"... she is rarer than a hen tooth. Always remember, regarding affairs... there's always more.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Just to add a couple of thoughts. From here on out it is a process with an undetermined outcome. If you follow the right process you will get to the best possible outcome given the circumstances. It could be you end up divorced, it could be you end up in a great new marriage with your wife. So don't be focused on the outcome just yet. Follow the process. This means identifying if she is genuinely remorseful or if she instead is just sorry for getting caught. As Gus asked, why did she confess? It is possible she was about to be outed by somebody.

Investigate to be sure you know as much of the truth as is possible. Written timeline, then a polygraph. Insist she go to IC. I think you should consider IC yourself. Defer MC unless you can find the right MC. Many MC will go the route of basically blaming the victim, saying you need to become a better husband to prevent further cheating! Good MC will focus on healing the betrayals first, then working on building a new relationship.

VAR her car, keylog the family computer. Consider a VAR in the house where she may make phone calls.

Review all the financials, phone records, her emails, etc.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am so sorry you are here, and for the turmoil you are now facing.
I know what you mean about not wanting to put that pain on your children.
Especially with them all being out of the home, they may not interact enough with you both to see the canyon she has put between you. Ultimately, I agree that part of her atoning for this should be taking responsibility with her children and family. These are areas that hurt the deepest, and may be what could make for a successful long term R a long ways down the road.

A week in, your head is spinning. You are no where near in a place to make a great decision. Time is on your side. Please take it. Ask her to leave and go stay with her parents and take as much time as you need without her sobbing and begging in front of you. Space and time will allow you to think clearer.

Sadly, you have a long road ahead of you, regardless of your final decision between D and R. What a waste for her to throw away 32 years for some slimebag. If it's not too personal how was your sex life with your wife? Did you feel there was a lack in that area?

We will be here, so please use us as a resource. Remember, keeping all of this only on your shoulders is too heavy for one person to bare. Let us, and your trusted friends and family distribute the weight a little. Cyber hug to you.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

> Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.


I get that line of thinking and it may be good leverage in the divorce. But it is a double edged blade. If they do not know the real reason for your divorce, what will they think? Lying to them is not a good idea. They are not likely believe you two just "fell out of love." Also it then gives your wife the option to make you the bad guy. To imply that you are the cause of the "problem" that broke up the marriage. I know that seems really selfish on her part, and you might think there is no way she would ever do that. 

But then again you never thought she would act like a groupie at an Def Leppard concert (dating myself with that reference) and blow a guy in the car. She has proven that she can be very selfish.

Go to the Doc. Get your meds adjusted. Make sure you are sleeping, eating a little, getting some exercise. Take care of you first. Get your head on straight. Then do what the other posters have suggested. Poly, timeline, passwords etc. 

That is unless sex with another man is a deal breaker for you. It is for most men. The kids are out of the house. Her face and presence will be a constant trigger for years to come. The mind movies will play and replay for quite a while. The stress will pump tons of cortisol into your system. Setting you up for a litany of stress related health problems. Not that divorce is easy and without its own stressors. But its good to keep in mind that there is a world full of women who do not cheat. Who will love and respect you the way you deserve to be. No shame in filing for D. She already killed the marriage, you would just be identifying the body and signing the death certificate.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

RWB said:


> Agreed...
> 
> If she was 100% honest in giving you the "details"... she is rarer than a hen tooth. Always remember, regarding affairs... there's always more.


They are never honest. There is a lot more.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

planebuff said:


> I guess after 32 years, you get a gut feeling something is "off". After some pushing she first admitted to a "flirting" affair when she and girlfriends would go out. Just didnt seem right and I pushed some more and a couple days later she admitted to actual affair. What I wish I hadnt done is ask for details. I just cant get the image of her giving this piece of crap a unprotected blow job out of my head and this morning I actually had to vomit thinking about it.
> I do know I am still in love with her but just dont know if that is enough to R. *Our kids adore her and think she walks on water as did I until now and would be crushed to find out. I just dont think I could do that to them. *Also, down the road if it does come to getting a D, I think I could use the information as leverage for a "fair and quick" settlement vs a drag out in courts. I actually think it is that important to her for them not to find out.
> Life sucks
> 
> thx


When I'm in a difficult situation and struggling on what to do, I usually think about how I'd want my kids to handle the situation if they were in my shoes. If your kids were to tell you their spouse had cheated, what would you advise them to do? Life doesn't always go the way we plan. However, you can use this opportunity to be a role model to them of how to face this stuff head on and act proudly like a man. Now you have a choice of either R or D. Take some time to make a choice and whichever you choose, do it wholly and embrace it fully.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*These "mind movies" that you're experiencing will continue to haunt you, on and off, from the time that these selfish, sordid acts began into time immemorial!

But you've got to fully realize that something was going on prior to those covert copulatory acts of theirs!

Even if your marriage still has the least scintilla of survival, she needs to come squeaky clean with any and all of her phone and social media data! You need to have all passwords for all of her accounts without the least equivocation on her part!

What you may find in there, in the ways of their deceptive texts, instant messages, and emails may actually come to warp your mind much worse than all of the gory details of their secretive sexual rendezvous' themselves!*


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So will she write you a timeline of the A?

will she stop her girls nights out?

Has she exposed the POSOM to his family?

She does need to tell the kids.

Have her get a job and pay for the services of Affair recovery.com.

How would she feel if you had an A?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Dont yse yiur kids as pawns. It does not end well for you. They sound old enough to know, so tell them. Trying to get a better settlement based on sulence disrespects them.

She cheated on them too. They deserve to kniw that the life they've ksnown is at risk because she cheated. Its a consequence to her and fair to them.

Silence does not bode well for R because no one will know why you are miserable and you will not get support. Also, you will resent her for getting to have fun and keep her reputation while you languish on account of her fun.


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