# Am l wrong, feeling my life is a roller coaster



## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Last year l found out that my husband was on dating sites. I was devastated, both for the reason that he was in my eyes cheating on me, but also because he was lying to different women about being single. 
He denied that he had physically cheated, he told me that he only went online to get entertained.
Long story short, I decided to stay with him hoping we could make a good marriage. 
He told me he closed all his accounts. 
he had contact with some old girlfriends, not telling them he was married and flirted with them. I told him to stop talking to them, which l think he has done.
My problem is that his mood is different, he get upset for nothing, tells me that l have more layers than he realized. And that l make his life hard by denying him to have contact with specially one of his old girlfriends. Or by not giving him the space he needs. 
Sometimes when he gets upset he can go days without talking to me, or if he talks he is grumpy. 
Sometimes when l talk to him he ignore me or suddenly picks up his phone and goes online.
He has been talking about going to a school reunion, and been communication with one of the girls that is a part of the reunion team. 
Today l asked what all those conversations was about. They has been going on for some weeks. He told me that he had sent a few words about himself and a picture, and she had been helping him to send it over to the right people. When l asked what he specific had told about himself, ( feeling something was of) he said he could not remember. I asked to look at his emails and it turned out that he told about his daughters and hobbies, but not one word about being married. 
I started crying, l felt that he was pretending to be something he is not again. 
He thinks l am overreacting and silly. 
When l looked up the information about the school reunion, it turns out that you was supposed to bring your family, they even had babysitters if needed. He did not tell me that. Not sure if he knew either. Not sure if he read the invitation at all. Only started emailing this girl, which l know he had a crush on when they were teenagers. 
I have worked so hard to build up trust towards him again. I know l probably is over sensitive, but l love my husband ad want us to have a good marriage. 
I cry for everything, my emotions are a mess. I try not to nag on him, for everything and nothing, but not sure if l succeed. 
I feel he take me for granted. He never brings me flowers, no gifts. Not even on our wedding day. I do not ask for anything from him except that he threats me nice and love me. 
He also told me that using nick name on me ( which he did until last summer) , holding my hand and telling me that he loves me has become trivial. 




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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He's a jerk. He's really treating his wife terribly. You are not over-reacting. 

So, now what? What are you going to do about it?


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

SunnyT said:


> He's a jerk. He's really treating his wife terribly. You are not over-reacting.
> 
> 
> 
> So, now what? What are you going to do about it?



Not sure what l want to do l think l just needed to put "words on the paper"


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Sorry, but staying with him is asking for a lifetime of misery. 

You have enabled his infidelity by not setting clear and immovable boundaries. You must tell him that you will divorce him if he cheats again, including online infidelity. Then follow through if he does.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is playing with fire and doesn't seem to get the being faithful thing. If he goes to the reunion then make sure that you all go. They probably include families for that very reason, so that old flames don't get reignited. 

To be honest I wouldn't put up with him doing these things. He needs to make a choice, his marriage or other women. 

How abut you both go to MC?


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> He is playing with fire and doesn't seem to get the being faithful thing. If he goes to the reunion then make sure that you all go. They probably include families for that very reason, so that old flames don't get reignited.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




He don't want to do counseling, l asked him before and did it again. He just told me we were beyond counseling, and l could do what ever l wanted to do, he do 
not care. Not sure l believe him, he is upset because l asked him why he did not feel the need to include me as a part of his life in this school reunion information


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

steven.lill said:


> I know l probably is over sensitive,


You are absolutely not (I repeat NOT!) being over sensitive. He shouldn't be on dating sites, chit catting with old girlfriends or anything of the sort! This is coming from a married guy too. Don't let him bully you into thinking it's OK. You should nip that sh*t in the bud before it gets out of hand. If he wants to throw a baby tantrum about it, let him. As for taking you for granted, sometimes guys do get busy and kind of do that even though they shouldn't, however in your case with all the other stuff that's going on, I think it's a symptom of a bigger problem.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> You are absolutely not (I repeat NOT!) being over sensitive. He shouldn't be on dating sites, chit catting with old girlfriends or anything of the sort! This is coming from a married guy too. Don't let him bully you into thinking it's OK. You should nip that sh*t in the bud before it gets out of hand. If he wants to throw a baby tantrum about it, let him. As for taking you for granted, sometimes guys do get busy and kind of do that even though they shouldn't, however in your case with all the other stuff that's going on, I think it's a symptom of a bigger problem.


:iagree:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's not going to respect your wishes, 

If he's not going to do the heavy lifting, 

If he's not going to show an ounce of remorse and makes constant excuses, 

If he's not going to be 100% transparent with you, 

If he's not going to be considerate of your hurt and betrayal,

If he's not going to own anything wrong that he's done,

If he doesn't start acting like a husband rather than a single gigolo,

Then you have no marriage to repair. You have a disrespectful and cruel husband and you should just let him go.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

steven.lill said:


> Last year l found out that my husband was on dating sites. I was devastated, both for the reason that he was in my eyes cheating on me, but also because he was lying to different women about being single.
> He denied that he had physically cheated, he told me that he only went online to get entertained.
> Long story short, I decided to stay with him hoping we could make a good marriage.
> He told me he closed all his accounts.
> ...


Ok, one question because this is common in this situation. You say you want to have a good marriage but even before this it doesn't sound like you did unless I'm missing something. Can you explain why you love this man so much? That might help us and you start to realize what you will or won't be missing or if it's just the fear of detachment. This dude is long gone with no remorse. There's nothing you can say or do to bring him back into the fold the way you want, he will have to do this on his own or at the very least from the consequences of you seeing a lawyer, getting your questions answered and then hitting him with the book (divorce papers)


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife and I have a rule that is non negotiable. No contacts with any ex's. Ex's are ex's for a reason. We have this rule because if I was talking to an ex she would feel violated and vice versa. 

I love my wife and if she finds something uncomfortable, then I do my best not to put myself in that situation. 

You need to talk to him and set some boundaries. If he doesnt respect your wishes, then tell him he needs to reassess the relationship.

Hate to say tell him its you or his ex. He needs to confide everything to you not an ex


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I am so sorry. I have been exactly where you are. I, like you, tried to control the situation and make sense of the erratic behavior. This is what I think, based on what I found out after the fact:

Your husband is lying. Constantly. No one lies more than a cheater or someone trying to cheat.

He is angry and moody because he is trapped. He is no different than a child who has had their toy taken away. He is moody because you are in his way. He wants something (other women) and you are keeping him from it. Going online is his rebellion against your control. 

He is trying to explain his moody behavior by blame shifting and telling you it is because you have "layers". If you stay with him, this behavior will get worse and worse and he will have you in tears just to shift the blame and spotlight off himself and his bad behaviors.

He did read the invitation. He purposely did not mention he was married. He did not want you to come to the reunion because he wants to be there as a single person.

Your husband has checked out of the marriage.

Of course your emotions are all over the place. You are not overly sensitive and I encourage you to not let him explain away his bad choices by saying this type of thing to him. You are being sensible but you are dealing with a man who is being deceptive so he can play his "single" game.

Your situation is actually harder than someone out trolling for sex. Plenty of men have affairs but "don't want to change their situation". (read the ads...they are everywhere). Your husband seems to be out trolling for a life without you in it at all.

Give the man his wish. Stop this now, because it WILL escalate when he finally gets someone on the hook. Men, in general, do not leave until there is someone on the hook. The minute that happens, he will either become impossible to live with or he will simply leave.

See an attorney and figure out what you have to do to get him OUT of your house. If he wants to play single, he does not get the honor of playing house with you.

Find either an older woman to be your mentor (this is more helpful that peers) or a counselor. 

Good luck.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

steven.lill said:


> He don't want to do counseling, l asked him before and did it again. He just told me we were beyond counseling, and l could do what ever l wanted to do, he do
> not care. Not sure l believe him, he is upset because l asked him why he did not feel the need to include me as a part of his life in this school reunion information
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Listen to yourself. This is what you are saying:

Because I asked my husband why he did not include me as part of his life when reconnecting with old friends at his school reunion, my husband was justified in saying that we were beyond counseling and that he did not care what I did.

A person either lies or tells the truth. There is no middle ground.

Scenario 1: he lied. He does not think you are beyond counseling and he does care what you do. In this case, you are saying it is your fault he lied and said these mean things to you because you asked him why he wanted to deny he was married.

Scenario 2: he told the truth. Your husband believes your marriage can not be saved and he does not care what you do to take care of yourself as your world falls apart.

Either way, my previous advice stands. Separate from him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

@steven.lill. 

What is the difference, if any, between the way your husband treats you now and the way he treated you when you were first dating/married?
Has there been any big changes in your husband home life or work life that may have caused the behavior he is showing you?

To me from what you have written it sounds like your husband is overwhelmed with family life or maybe his life in general and maybe is not happy with how things turned out. It feels like he is looking for an escape from reality (online dating sites) or trying to reconnect with his past (old girlfriend) cause he is unhappy with his present.

Some people grow up and do the marriage and family thing cause it is what is expected of them, only to find that the day to day hassle of kids, spouse, work, debt is more than they can or want to handle.

My advice would be to try to get your husband into MC or in the least IC. Unless this is the way he has always been, a change in personality usually means there is a problem somewhere and it may not be with you. You just may be the person closest to the firing line.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> @steven.lill.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




When we started dating he was funny, caring and we could talk about anything and everything for hours. He was the sweetest most charming man l had ever meet. I felt we was the perfect match. 
He was like that until l discovered that he was on different dating sites all the time since we meet, and l also found out that he had meet some of them. 
When l told him that it was mean to lie and pretend that he was single. And that he had to stop doing that or l would leave. And l told him to stop texting and lying to ex girlfriends, pretending to be single.
After that he has become more and more aggressive and grumpy. If l get into a discussion with him he needs to have the last word, his opinion is the right opinion. He can go around for days being grumpy and deliberately say things that hurt me if l am not careful with my words. 
I found out that he cheated physically on his ex girlfriend, l know he was on dating sites when he was married. 
He do not want to do counseling, tells me it is to late for that.
When l discovered that he withheld the fact that he was married in the school reunion note he made about himself, he makes me the bad one. That l am overreacting, that he has not done anything wrong. I am the one to blame




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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

steven.lill said:


> When we started dating he was funny, caring and we could talk about anything and everything for hours. He was the sweetest most charming man l had ever meet. I felt we was the perfect match.
> He was like that until l discovered that he was on different dating sites all the time since we meet, and l also found out that he had meet some of them.
> When l told him that it was mean to lie and pretend that he was single. And that he had to stop doing that or l would leave. And l told him to stop texting and lying to ex girlfriends, pretending to be single.
> After that he has become more and more aggressive and grumpy. If l get into a discussion with him he needs to have the last word, his opinion is the right opinion. He can go around for days being grumpy and deliberately say things that hurt me if l am not careful with my words.
> ...


He is showing you who is really is and it’s not pretty. Considering that he feels he is not at fault and refuses to go to counseling i fear you only have two options. Live with it or leave. I wish you all the best.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not sure what advice you think will help.

He is unwilling to go to MC and sounds like a huge arse to you. You can't begin to get to the heart of the matter if he won't go to MC. 

I'd prepare for divorce.


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