# afraid my marriage might be over soon



## needsomejoy (Nov 1, 2010)

I'm new on this forum and would appreciate some advice I really don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I have been married together for 16 years.We have 4 children, We both work two jobs, and he vollunteers for our local fire dept. Our kids are in lots of sports and activities so we are always busy with that too. I was vollunteering for alot of different boards but it was taking too much time from our family and stressing me out so I've quite all my vollunteer boards so I could refocus on our family.

Our finances are ok, but not great, not alot of debt but not alot of savings either. 

We NEVER talk, he would rather sleep every spare minute he has, and is often asleep before the kids go to bed and when he isn't asleep he is watching tv or at work or vollunteering or hanging out with the other guys who he vollunteers with. I am not blameless, I don't WANT to talk to him or spend time with him anymore, I'd rather play on Facebook, or read a book and I'm extremely angry with him because of how much time he spends sleeping and not helping out and I feel like both me and our kids are not even close to being a priority in his life.

Every weekend he stays in bed all day, all night, he gets up to use the bathroom and to get something to eat. He rarely helps around the house and is very uninvolved with the kids and me, but if the fire pager goes off then he is up and running out the door, he isn't too tired then. Even if it's something minor he is up and running out the door but then he is back in bed and we are just the noise that annoys him so he shuts the bedroom door so he doesn't have to listen to us. He is willing to do some things if someone else asks him to but if I ask him or the kids ask him, he is very resentfull.

He has been diagnosed with Depression and he regularly goes in gets meds stays on them for a few months and then decides he is feeling better and goes off them and then we are back to the same complete lack of interest in ANYTHING unless it is work, fire dept or his mother (whom I love and is wonderful but we live with him and it hurts to never be a priority)

He is extremely smart and when I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling he is able to turn everything I'm saying into my fault or my problem and some of it is but he is able to twist everything into him being this patient guy who puts up with me. And I get that I'm not perfect, I get overly emotional, I'm overweight, have major pms and I have issues too. Sometimes I would like to zone out too but I can't because it's not right for our kids to have two zombie parents and our house does need to be tidied.

We have tried date nights and things are ok for a while and he just goes back to sleeping all the time and I just get angrier and angrier .

Occasionally I daydream about taking the tv from our bedroom and THROWING it out the window or smashing it, but he likes having the tv and I don't want to make him unhappy by getting rid of it. But then I'm annoyed because he doesn't seem to care that I'm unhappy.

I just can't see living like this year after year and have started thinking that maybe it's time we ended this sham, because at least if he isn't here then I would be feeling alone and doing everything by myself and parenting alone because I am!!! and he isn't here, but as it is now he is sleeping and I just resent him more and more and more.

Our sex life is blah and to be honest, I feel like a convenient piece of ass not that he is all that attracted to but he had the errection and he might as well. I am rarely interested and I know it's because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about me and who doesn't really put much effort into it when we do. 

We were at a party recently and everyone was joking about their sex lives and he "Joked" that he doesn't get any, and I told him maybe if he was still awake by the time the kids went to bed he might, he just laughed obviously he just doesn't GET IT!!!

Our latest issue was because he whined for two weeks about how tired he was and was in bed early every night except the night of his fire meeting, that night he was out with the guys drinking and visiting with them till 3 am in the morning. The next night we had a fire dept party, most of the couples we are friends with started leaving about midnight so I told him I think I'm ready to go home too. He said oh ok, I think I'm going to stay here for a little bit longer and then didn't come home until after 3:30am and then spent the next day sleeping and was back to sleeping by 8:00 every night if not earlier because he was so tired for the rest of the week. 

Does anyone have any suggestions? I know I wrote an entire novel but I'm at wits end and I know we can't continue this way.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

needsomejoy said:


> I'm new on this forum and would appreciate some advice I really don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> My husband and I have been married together for 16 years.We have 4 children, We both work two jobs, and he vollunteers for our local fire dept. Our kids are in lots of sports and activities so we are always busy with that too. I was vollunteering for alot of different boards but it was taking too much time from our family and stressing me out so I've quite all my vollunteer boards so I could refocus on our family.
> 
> ...


When you have anything you want him to do for you to make you happy, politely ask him & then guide him clearly & honestly in the way you exactly want, you don't have to tolerate his silly behaviors but you don't want to be negatively nagging, either!

Put your sexual life back on right track. Make him do what makes you happy. ****ery/sexy sound is the key to make men follow your orders in the bedroom.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Um, it sounds a little like narcolepsy to me. Srsly. I'm not an MD, but maybe encourage your husband to see one.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

needsomejoy said:


> My husband and I have been married together for 16 years.We have 4 children, We both work two jobs, and he vollunteers for our local fire dept. Our kids are in lots of sports and activities so we are always busy with that too. I was vollunteering for alot of different boards but it was taking too much time from our family and stressing me out so I've quite all my vollunteer boards so I could refocus on our family.


 4 kids with extra activities with even 1 parent working 1 job can be DIFFICULT --- let alone 4 kids and 2 parents working 2 jobs PLUS Volunteering!! The biggest issue here is YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR EACH OTHER AT ALL, you orobaby dont remember what that is like. I can see WHY he is So tired. 



needsomejoy said:


> Our finances are ok, but not great, not alot of debt but not alot of savings either.


 With this hurried lifestyle, you & family probalby eat out ALOT, and probably buy everuthing you want -feeling you work hard and you deserve it. I am just guessing of coarse, do not be offened, but often is the case, then we find ourselves becoming Work Aholics to maintain a lifestyle while our marraiges crumble due to NO Time together. 

We have 6 kids, husband is the sole breadwinner, we are not rich by any means, but managed to become debt free by age 40- house, cars, land, everything. I used to work alot when we had just 1 child, back then my husband felt I ignored him. Our life was simply "too rushed" , he would come home, I would leave for work. He loves me staying home now, it helps that I only buy on sale, using coupons, Ebay and all those frugal things that keep me from havng to "need" a job. 

Work for a goal (pay off your mortgage, car loans), then once you both acheive these things, cut out some of the Extra time at work- maybe a job or two! I can not fathom even thinkiing of voluneteering with your families schedule ! This seems insane to me. 




needsomejoy said:


> Every weekend he stays in bed all day, all night, he gets up to use the bathroom and to get something to eat. He rarely helps around the house


How many hrs a week does he work ? Plus volunterring hours? How many hrs do you work? 

I would think whomever works less should try to do more around the house , so when the overloaded worker gets home, he/she has more time to relax. 

You say he is depressed, do you think this very busy non-stop & breathe lifestyle is contributing to this ? 



needsomejoy said:


> And I get that I'm not perfect, I get overly emotional, I'm overweight, have major pms and I have issues too. Sometimes I would like to zone out too but I can't because it's not right for our kids to have two zombie parents and our house does need to be tidied.
> 
> We have tried date nights and things are ok for a while and he just goes back to sleeping all the time and I just get angrier and angrier .


I think you are missing his time terribly, and maybe you did not notice all of this until you slowed your life down so much. When we are so busy, we sometimes don't recognize what we are missing. 


One thing is for sure, he is going to continue to sleep so long as he has THIS mountain of work & volunteerring to do. He has very little free time & when he does, you & him end up fighting so the workplace has become a safer more calm & inviting environment. Not a good thing. When I used to get really grouchy, my husband would occasionally say "I should have stayed at work". I didn't care for those comments, but I knew I was not so easy to live with at times, I needed to change my behavior before I expected him to love being with me. Somebody has to start somewhere. 



needsomejoy said:


> We were at a party recently and everyone was joking about their sex lives and he "Joked" that he doesn't get any, and I told him maybe if he was still awake by the time the kids went to bed he might, he just laughed obviously he just doesn't GET IT!!!


 My husband used to joke this same way and back then, we were both working, running into each other inbetween dropping the kids off. I wanted it late at night -when he was asleeep- I used to complain too about him sleeping so much, He wanted it more in the mornings -then I was often tired. So we missed alot of oppotunities. Looking back, I should have molded my schedule around his better, as he worked ALOT more than me. I should have made myself go to bed when he did so I was happily available for him in the am -before work. 

Does he try for sex more in the mornings- or maybe too rushed then too! 

I don't think depriving him of his sleep is going to help anything here, if you have more time, which sounds like you do, and if you want things to improve, try to be that safe loving haven when he comes home, Make yourself available when he has time for love making , this will only enhance your bond together. Talk to him about the financies, see if some things can be cut back, even the work /volunteering loads -so more time & attention can be devoted to one another.


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## inthemiddle (Nov 4, 2010)

I don't believe it is right to blame yourself as much as you are. It sounds to me that he isn't even thinking about your marriage or family at all. My husband and I are having a lot of problems right now but at least I can say that he is trying. He only has 1 job but that keeps him away for an average of 120 hrs a week. He comes home exhausted but always wants me to stay up with him while he winds down. I get frustrated because he wants to watch TV when he comes home and sometimes gets annoyed with our son for making too much noise while he's watching but he doesn't want us to leave the room either. I am to the point where I need to figure out what I need and how to get it. When you figure out what you need keep in mind your kids, cause they are gonna model their future relationships on yours. They may grow up thinking that is normal. My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade. It seemed like the end of the world to me then, but it didn't take long to see they were both happier apart. What sucks it that my mom dealt with emotional abuse for 18 years, and now I'm facing that in my own marriage.


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## needsomejoy (Nov 1, 2010)

Well he has been better, I made him a doctors appointment on Monday and I called him and told him I had done it and he needed to talk to the doctor about his sleeping problem, He just thanked me for making the appointment and came home that night and started helping around the house, he was still awake when I went to bed and while we didn't talk much we were able to at least speak to each other. And he has been helping out since then, I know it's just the up side of the yo yo we are on but it always seems so much better when he isn't sleeping all the time.

He is a teacher but he teachers Shop so has alot of extra running around that has to be done during non school hours. So he leaves by 8am and really doesn't come home at all until 5. Although he does pop home for breif moments where he picks up one of our girls for piano or dance and then picks them up and drops them off at home again. His second part time job is fixing vehicles for a local organization and it isn't a regular every week job, some weeks he is there less than an hour and then some weeks he is there for 20 hours. But not ussually more than that. The fire dept is every friday night and he loves that, he is all leveled up and now teaches other firemen on the weekends (two or three times a year).

I have a dayhome so I am home all day but I'm looking after the kids, so I'm doing as much as I can, but folding laundry isn't going to happen with 6 kids underfoot all day, and all the house work that I do have to do, is squeezed between craft time, and circle time, free play and outside time. Not to mention making lunch and two snacks a day. Really I'm cleaning all day, I just can't keep up and then when I clean all day and I clean all night. My part time job is one day a week and one weekend a month, it gets me out of the house, I started my part time job because it was driving me crazy being cooped up in the house all day and not seeing anyone, so I'd go out with my girlfriends and we would go out for dinner and drinks and I'd blow 35-40 dollars so instead I figured I'd go out work for the one night a week and then I wouldn't need to go out as much with my friends and instead of costing our family money I'm making some money.

He used to try sex in the morning but I don't have time to shower and I hate being all smelly for the rest of the day. Plus our 6 almost 7 year old still gets up in the middle of the night and sleeps in our bed. We are working on getting her to stay in her own bed but I suffer from insomnia so by the time I get to sleep getting up to take her back to bed is not going to happen and so kid in the bed really buts the brakes on sex in the morning.

We don't fight really, we just freeze up on each other, he out argues me, I get emotional and forget all my reasons I was upset and somehow always manages to turn it around on me. We just don't talk about anything when he gets like he was, not about each other, the kids, the house, nothing we barely say two words to each other.

But like I said just making the appointment seemed to have made a difference already.

now to just convince him to STAY on his meds. And maybe get one of those sun lamps and that might help too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

needsomejoy said:


> He used to try sex in the morning but I don't have time to shower and I hate being all smelly for the rest of the day. Plus our 6 almost 7 year old still gets up in the middle of the night and sleeps in our bed. We are working on getting her to stay in her own bed but I suffer from insomnia so by the time I get to sleep getting up to take her back to bed is not going to happen and so kid in the bed really buts the brakes on sex in the morning.
> 
> We don't fight really, we just freeze up on each other, he out argues me, I get emotional and forget all my reasons I was upset and somehow always manages to turn it around on me. We just don't talk about anything when he gets like he was, not about each other, the kids, the house, nothing we barely say two words to each other.


 I used to sleep with every baby we had in bed with us, my husband "let" me do it but he never liked it. Once I was fool enough to ask this rediculous question ..."Are you jealous of the baby being here" he told me NO. But inside he hated it. Too much of a nice guy to really say "LOOK, I want to be with YOU, I love my kids dearly but NOT in our bedroom". It's definetly a sex killer. 

Do not be afraid to tell the kids they MUST sleep in their own room, they are old enough now, or at the very least remove them -before you & husband get down to business. BUt if that will start a crying spell, this option is out. They have your attention all throughout the day, you & husband NEED alone time & should make this a priority. Set your alarm, take a shower, brush you teeth- be ready for him & see what a difference this will make in your marraige!!!

Kids sleeping in bed with parents, or the same room & the Silent Treatment used for commiunication, neither of these will help with the intimacy in your marraige or a closer bond. 


There is nothing wrong with fighting once in a while, it only shows you are truly communicating. Just remember when you do argue/fight - try to see the others side, not defending your own position like it is the only valid one. Just as their is 2 sides to every story, their is usually hurt on both sides.


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