# So Confused! H is a good guy but I'm considering seperation



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

I've written in the past under a different thread and had received some solid advice but my situation continues to linger. I'll try to keep this short as I feel conflicted. I've been in IC for about 4 months now, have attended an al-anon meeting (scary though), and read daily al-anon message boards.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, recently discovered that I have many co-dependent tendencies, and am married to a functional alcoholic (although he is in complete denial). I met my husband in the midst of my father's raging alcholism. We got along great. We were younger (me 24 and him 26) and enjoyed going out and partying as younger people do. My H has always been a drinker; started partying in HS and college and was part of a frat. Me on the other hand didnt sip alcohol til college, went to some parties but was never huge into the party scene. But anyway, we did get along great but now looking back on things I think my drinking after I met my husband definitely escalated partly because it was a way for me to cope with my fathers addition and thats the way my H likes to have fun. 

Speed ahead almost 6 years later, my H winds up in a hospital after partying all day and all night at a frat party. He had a near heart attack and had a bad reaction to the coke. I have repeatedly asked him in the past to never do this as you never know what is in that crap but he did not listen per usual. He saw a counselor in the hospital who stated that he needs to be careful regarding the alcohol because he is borderline on having a problem. When we got home he told me how he was going to change, how he was going to look into getting some help, and that he promised to follow-up with his PCP. It took 3 months for him to go to his PCP who told him he is an alcoholic and need to get some support, and to follo-wup with him in a month which of course he has not (its been 3 months since then). 

After the hospitalization occured he made me promise not to tell anyone including his family. This was a big mistake to keep this bottled up. He would be good about drinking during the week; instead of the usual 4-6 beers 3-4 nights per week plus a weekend party most weekends, he was now drinking 1-2 glasses of red wine 1-2 nights per week, but come friday or saturday night, he would get plastered. and on top of that, he would do very unresponsible things (drive home drunk, fall and hurt or nearly hurt himself, etc). This behavior continued for 2 months til I had enough. I told his family, my family and I sought help for myself. I and his family asked him to seek out help but he has not, even until this day. 

Over the past few months there have been many ups and downs related to the drinking. I'm learning more about myself and the effects of being an adult child of an alcoholic and its effects on me and I'm scared that I may have made some bad decisions. At least my gut is telling me that I have. 

When I was younger I always said that I would never date a frat boy (because of their drinking tendencies and I dont mean to generalize) or someone who smokes. My H does both. And I am wondering why I may have possibly settled for him (i'm sorry if that sounds aweful). When I was younger in HS I was a very independent person. I did what I wanted to do and never got caught up in being or doing things with the "in" crowd. I had definite goals and aspirations esp with regards to college which I attained. My dad started raging when I was away at college, so I only got the brunt of him during the summers and then when I came home. And somehow after I met my H, I became passive aggressive. I would let things slide. I would let him be lazy with promises that he made but would take months (sometimes years) to fufill. For example, this may sound silly but we bought a very old house a few years back in a down market. I worked hard to revamp our kitchen and had asked him to put up the molding over 2 years ago. It was completed just recently after a blow out argument we had. I had a hard time saying "no" to him or at work. I became a workaholic (more so than in the past). I started to have feelings of low self worth. I was taken advantage of at work and by my H because I never said no. I have had definite thoughts of suicide but have never acted on them. I have a lot of "shoulds". For example, I should have not let my H convince me to take a honeymoon close to home for a few days. Instead i should have stuck to what I really wanted to do and go somewhere new as I love to travel. 

This is so confusing to me. I made some decisions with him but we have very different views of our future. Ex: our old house I see as a great 1st investment and when the market turns (in like 10years!) I would like to sell and reap the equity, he wants to keep and rent it out. This house is 100 years old and the previous owner lived here for40-50 years and didn't keep up on everything. Our house is always needing something to be fixed. So I think renting it out would be too much of a hassle. I would eventually like to move to someplace more rural, he wants to stay close to mom. He does not want to compromise about this. He has never been anywhere, I've traveled quite a bit and love it. He is quite possibly the worst traveler ("Are we there yet?"). He used to be very critical of what I spent my money on (and still can be), even though I make much more money than he does. I recently split our accounts up due to that and I didnt like the fact that he spent my money on booze and partying. 

My H is a good person. He is loyal, he has never been abusive (although maybe emotionally on a few occasions). But I'm wondering if our marriage was a big mistake. I'm wondering if I was blinded by things... ie my dads addition and the fact that my H was really one of the only people i could lean on for comfort (which usually culminated in partying). My close friends are all out of state across the country. And this whole hospital incident was a huge eye opener for me. It was as if it was a kick in my rear telling me that its time to grow up and take control of my life again. I feel like I have wasted years away. I'm unhappy with my marriage. My H will not go seek out help. I want to have kids but I refuse to under these circumstances. And history has shown that my H has a very difficult time being sober and I do not think he is going to change unless he really wants to. And clearly at this point he has no intentions of remaining sober. 

I feel like i'm at a crossroads. I'm still young (30), I do not want to waste anymore time. I feel like my husband is content with his life. I want more. Not more in terms of money or material things. I want to feel more satisfied. I want a family. I would like to have my opnion count for something again. I dont want to have to nag him for months to get something accomplished. I believe life is short and if you want something you should be able to have it with a bit of hard work. For example if my H wanted a new guitar I would find a way and have in the past to make that happen for him. When I want something, like a used kayak for the summer he refuses because he thinks it will just sit in the garage and not get any use. I feel like I get shut down a lot and he just doesnt compromise easily and it usually ends up in a fight. 

I'm sorry that this is may seem like a whirlwind of thoughts. Ever since the incident at the hospital and with me beginning to understand how my past has shaped my present day, I'm beginning to have realizations that this is not the life that I want. There is a lot more to this story but I do not want to write more of a novel. I guess I am just wondering if I am being selfish by wanting to seperate from him. We do not have common interests now that I do not want to go drinking with him, we have a non-existent sex life, we hardly have meaningful conversations. I wish I had seen a counselor about 5 years ago when my dads addiction really started to affect me (i have learned that i became very good at repressing and avoiding things). If I had, then I would not have gone through with my marriage. I would have left a long time ago. So I'm looking for gentle thoughts and/or advice. Thanks.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

kaal said:


> My H will not go seek out help.


I thought this was the key line.

I couldn't stay in that relationship. I think I would insist on him getting help, or leaving.


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

i have insisted and told him that if he doesnt then he needs to leave.....but he won't do either. so i guess i may have to consider leaving


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

Anymore thoughts out there?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Realistically, if someone in this situation isn't going to get help, they're not going to change. So the question is, are you willing to accept the situation the way it is now. If not, then you have your answer.

Drawing a line in the sand by saying if he doesn't get help you'll leave and then not following through with it simply weakens your position further. You'd be better off not putting your foot down in the first place.

And if he's not going to leave, then yes, you're the one that has to. Unless of course, your name is on the lease or title of your property exclusively.

C


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

yeah we are both on the title of the mortgage. i'm not a big fan of the house. but if i move out into an apt am i legally responsible to pay half the mortgage each month? what about the monthly bills?


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Well until you have some sort of legal agreement, technically you are both responsible for all costs you incur.


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

ugh that sucks....so back to mom and dads house....not that they are bad people but i cannot afford an apt on top of my own mortgage.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You are doing the right thing. You need to talk to an attorney to find out all the legal issues with leaving him.


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

so does anyone have any other thoughts. we may try marriage counseling next week if i can find one close to my H's work that takes our insurance. i'm seriously contemplating moving on.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Kaal, I don't think anyone here would blame you for thinking of moving on.

The question is really what do you think?

Two things:

- Remember to put in all the effort you need to, so that one day you don't wake up alone and wonder what could have been, if only you tried harder.

- You are in a co-dependent situation. I am there on some level myself, and I really think it makes you believe you have more of a relationship than you really do. He is married to the drinking more than to you, by the sound of it. You have the right to be concerned. If you go back and read your post, almost every one of his decisions and desires can be traced back to having things or people than enable his drinking to be close by. That's not much of a marriage.


----------



## kaal (May 4, 2011)

thanks Acorn. I agree with your thoughts. You are right that I probably feel as though I'm holding onto more than what I really have with my husband. And I agree that I need to continue to put or all my effort, which is almost running out. Last thing I will try is marriage counseling one last time. I don't think it will go well but at least I would have gave it my best shot (and who knows, maybe it will go well). Thanks


----------

