# The journey to R - my blog



## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Long back story short:

Me 32, WH 36, DS5. Together 14 years, married almost 7. WH is an opiate addict (pain meds), two stints in rehab 6 and 5 years ago. I'm a classic codependent/enabler. D-day Feb 2012, year long PA with a (now ex) coworker he was getting pills from. He has been in AA/NA and clean since D-day and I have been in Alanon and IC. 

R has not been horrible, but not great either. I am hoping some of you might be able to help me along.

Honestly, the A hasn't been top priority, his addiction has and that is how I prefer it. A lot of the A came from his addiction, and I don't believe he would have entered into it with this woman had it not been for drugs. He gave me no problems with NC and has not spoken to her since D-day. I won't deal with having an addict H any longer, the A is dead and quite frankly the years of drug abuse made talking to him about anything A related into lies, anger, blame shifting etc. It got us nowhere. So while I have been working on myself he has worked on himself and I have been patient that once his drug fog lifts we will be able to deal with the A. Things have gotten better on that front.

I felt like things were going pretty well until the one year D-day anniversary. I have been a good (not perfect)wife. I have not treated him with anger or contempt, I do nice things for him, I don't nag or try to control any more, we have sex a few times a week (whenever he'd like). I wasn't having one of my better days and was kind of withdrawn, he asked me what was up and I said it was D-day anniversary. He was visibly annoyed and said he didn't know how long he could deal with me being down about something that happened so long ago. I asked if that meant he thought I should be over it and he said well, I can only take like six more months. I was furious but kept my cool, said I thought I had been a good wife (examples given)and could he tell me what was so bad he couldn't deal with. Me being sad sometimes was all. I told him it is hard to get over something that he still hadn't told me the truth about and that we couldn't talk about without him getting angry and that I felt that "getting over it" meant I was willing to accept his lies and avoidance of the topic which was not ok for me. That got me the silent treatment for a few days.

This same conversation has been replayed a few times since. I found the letter on TAM about the puzzle pieces and wrote that to him because it said what I was feeling so well. I added that if he was not ready yet (this does coincide with his 12 step work) that was fine, but to let me know he was working on it. Well, six(!!) weeks later I finally say something since he hadn't and he rolled his eyes, said he talked to his AA sponsor and would not tell me any more. I asked why it took so long to tell me that and he said he doesn't like talking about A. I asked if I kept my cool while discussing A, do I attack him, how can we talk about it better? Just don't want to, makes him feel uncomfortable. Don't you think I was uncomfortable for 6 weeks waiting? Didn't consider that. I finished by saying we were at an impass I didn't know how to deal with - me wanting the truth, him not willing to tell me. He had nothing more to say.

A few days later he said he would tell me it wasn't just once he slept with OW, it was 2 or 3 times, he couldn't remember. Couldn't tell me when. Obviously, this is still not the whole truth. I was tired of banging my head against the wall tho and said thanks for that I hope you will continue to get some of this off your chest.

In one of our "get over it" talks he said he has made his position clear and I said I have heard his position is he has said he's sorry, there is nothing else he can do and it's up to me now. He said that was playing the victim, I said I'm not trying to but I have asked him for truth, I have suggested he read articles on surviving an affair, to be open to talking about the A without getting angry and he hasn't done any of them, so I am feeling like it is up to me.

Wow this is long already, sorry. My biggest problem is what I see as a lack of remorse. The TT, rug sweeping, gas lighting is all stuff I have dealt with for a long time because the same stuff applies to addiction. I have had faith he will change these behaviors through his 12 step work, I have seen it happen. Sometimes I wonder if it will. Our relationship is better in a lot of ways. I actually think it is a good work in progress...he just doesn't seem to think it should still be in progress 

I want to communicate better with him. I want this to work. I love my family. I feel shut down. It seems like I am waiting on him and he is waiting on me. I don't want to nag, he is going to do what he is going to do. I don't know sometimes if I am unclear or if he disagrees and that's that.

Thanks for reading, I appreciate the support. I know this is kind of a jumbled mess, I'm happy to answer any questions.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm having a hard time following with so many abbreviations. 

He told you flat out, he can only deal with you for "six more months" and you simply want more details about his cheating?

You don't want to make him uncomfortable?

Oregonmom, WTF?

It seems there is a problem with your choices of partners. At 32 years old, you should know better. Especially if you have gone through this before. There is no way of right way dealing with addicts. They will manipulate, lie, and abuse you - guaranteed. So now the new guy/addict, or the new previous guy (not sure) has been cheating on you all along, and you want to communicate better with him?

Let me translate his position for you. He has issues, he cheated, and doesn't want to go over them with you. Not only does he not care if you are upset over his actions, or any other issues you have, such as "D-day anniversary", he isn't willing to discuss them. That makes perfect sense to me. Why would he discuss something he doesn't want to, if he has no consideration for you?

He clearly stated he will leave you if you continue to bother him with any problems that may find annoying. That's it and that's all.

You made your choices, either suck it up and deal with them with a smile like he demands, or walk away. Those are your options. I get the impression you have depression and passive-aggresive issues yourself. That is no walk in the park for anyone, but having partners with addiction problems can certainly cause those issues. I'm not sure what IC is, but ongoing therapy would be good.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for your reply. I know a lot of this sounds crazy.

This is all the same guy, no new guy. I know I had a bad picker, I was also 18 at the time we started dating with a lot of issues in the past. Not an excuse, but I was a dumb, naive teenager. I do know better now, but we have been through so much together and as stupid as it sounds I love him.

I certainly have been passive aggressive in the past and that is something I have worked hard on curbing. IC is individual counciling, and I go every week as well as weekly meetings with my 12 step sponsor. (The abbreviations are pretty common here, there is a list somewhere. Sorry if it was confusing)

It is not that I don't want to make him uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable work. I don't feel the need to nag about my position. I take note of what's happening. I do not want to revert back into the usual cycle of my previous behavior. Me being a b!tch is not going to get us anywhere and it makes me feel like sh!t. 

I can definitely see how I can choose to go or I have signed up for this the rest of my life. I guess I have felt things can change. I have a whole lot, he is doing the same process as me and it may just take more time. I am not in this forever, I feel like I could leave any day. I want to give it what I can though and keep my regrets to a minimum.

All that being said, I do feel like he has little consideration for my feelings, and that hurts. Addicts have no consideration for others, even though they trick themselves into thinking they do. He does have more compassion than he did. I have stuck to the belief this can continue to change, but maybe not. They say it takes a year of sobriety to even start thinking straight and another two to get it together. I'm being extremely patient, I know. I just hate thinking about breaking up our family (he has been an excellent dad since Dday and our son adores him) when things are getting better, just not at the pace I'd like.

Thanks again, I appreciate it.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Aaah, now I understand. You were 18, when this started. I am VERY impressed with how much you have been able to deal with to keep the marriage intact. Good for you. This is your first marriage and I imagine you have children and that is worth sacrificing everything. 

So many women say they would take a bullet for their child, but aren't willing to put up with open toilet seats (figure of speech) from their child's father, the 2nd most important person in their child's life.

You on the hand have sacrificed so much. in my faith, we call that sanctification. You and your children will receive many blessings for those sacrifices you make.

I think you know what you're doing better than most of us. God bless.


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