# Wife just left 7 days ago



## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

After 20 years of marriage, my wife left me via text. Over the last 3 years, I have been suffering with depression that she may have felt was because of her. She will only text for now, and said to go see a counselor, which I have. She said that I need to work on me first before she talks to me. I am afraid she is just getting me psychologically ready for the breakup. We have been compassionate during the three years, but I have been home disabled physically and not doing my share in the relationship because of the depression. Is there any hope?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am so sorry that it came down to a text  I don't know what else to tell you except help yourself, take care of yourself, and know that you can only control yourself.

take care.


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## shame_on_me (Oct 16, 2011)

Go to therapy. Work on you. Show your wife why she married you.

Is your wife having a affair?


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

She had coffee with a mutual girlfriend of ours, a couple we have been friends with over the years. She told me that my wife left on the spur of the moment thing, not preplanned. I think it was a fight or flight deal. She is in a safe place staying with her girlfriend and her girlfriends son, while the girlfriends husband is in Iraq. Our 17 yr. old son is here with me.
I have only text her the last two days things like "Good Morning, I love you" or "Have a good night, I love you". I don't get a response, but I hope I am not putting pressure on her with those types of texts. I am a guy who wants to jump in and fix it. Women are not wired like that. I am just hoping she contacts me soon. 

I lost 12 pounds and 24 hours sleep the first 4 days, but I have started eating better, stopped the caffeine, and losing weight controlled now. I have the time to rediscover the man she knew, and I look forward to hopefully giving her a preview soon!

TY for the support and responses!


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## shame_on_me (Oct 16, 2011)

I don't know can you check her cell phone billl. Also is this your friend or your wifes friend. Kinda worries me about her husband being deployed. 
My advice check your wires cell phone record. Check if she is staying with the girlfriend. Go to therapy.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

I trust her completely regarding where she is and what she is doing.
She went with me through drug/alcohol counseling 19 years ago, so she knows I will do what is suggested of me by my counselor.
Is it common for both spouses to go to individual counseling before talking/seeing each other again, or seeking marriage counseling??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

hurtingsobad said:


> I trust her completely regarding where she is and what she is doing.
> She went with me through drug/alcohol counseling 19 years ago, so she knows I will do what is suggested of me by my counselor.
> Is it common for both spouses to go to individual counseling before talking/seeing each other again, or seeking marriage counseling??


I am in independent therapy. My husband didn't go, but that wasn't my concern.

I think individual therapy is much better than marriage counseling. MC just focuses on the issues at first. You don't need to do that. you need to focus on you and getting healthy.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Whats the source of your depression? Ive got some experience overcoming it


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## shame_on_me (Oct 16, 2011)

I am not trying t​o scare you or freak you out. Your wife's actions have been text book w.w a ctions. Not talking to you. Blameing you and your illness and it is a illness. Not somethng you can help without professional help. How is her not speaking to you and cutting you out of her life helping you. She is blame shifting and being mean and well not a nice person right now. I think she is having a affair


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Thank You That Girl!

This is exactly what she text me regarding counseling;

"You go. That is the best I can do. I believe that you benefit from it".

I am working on me and feeling better each day. Exercise, change of diet, lots of prayers, and insight from the board here! Thank You!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> Whats the source of your depression? Ive got some experience overcoming it


Sister died in 97 - 2 kids, parents died in '03, 19 days apart; forced to be Executor of will and Per. Rep for my sisters kids. Still have one estate asset that I got back in '10 due to foreclosure. Daughter in college, son almost there, lots of financial heartache on my family and wife, feel like I have failed, sitting in the pity pot for last 3 years disconnected with my wife and children. No wonder she ran...my only consolation is that she waited for me for 3 years to change, but never attempted to push me to change. This is probably her only fault in this whole nightmare!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

hurtingsobad said:


> I have only text her the last two days things like "Good Morning, I love you" or "Have a good night, I love you". I don't get a response, but I hope I am not putting pressure on her with those types of texts.


Yea don't do this anymore, it does more harm than good. Don't make first contact and don't respond immediately to her contact.

She has to miss you to see if she really wants to be with you are not. You need to disappear for a while and let her experience life without you in it. She'll have withdraws just like you do but her's will come later (like in a couple of months of NC).


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Thank you for that insight!

My other dilemma is that her grandmother is having an 84th birthday on Sat. I have been very close to this woman, and I want to go a wish her happy b-day. I have no alternative motive, other to see her and wish her a happy birthday. I don't know if she has even been told of the separation. Should I see her before privately, go to the party, ask my wife if i hope to go, or wait till afterwards? Opinions please, and TYIA


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## acw (Jan 1, 2012)

I feel your pain; I am on my 3rd week without my wife (see my post "wife left 2 days before Christmas"). I am at the stage that I have cut her off from contact, for my own benefit and sanity. I will be having my first counseling session by myself this weekend, to help deal with the pain and heartache.


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