# Anyone else regress after healing?



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Summary of my story: My wife had two affairs; I found out 20 years after the fact; DDay was 15 months ago; we are R and happy.

I have recently been having a very hard time. I get triggered very easily and get very down. Anything associated with the time my wife was cheating triggers me.

The triggers don't just make me think of it but it's like it was shortly after DDay; sick to the stomach, anxious, depressed, etc. There has not been a single day I didn't think about it but usually I put it aside and move on. Now I'm dwelling on it. I have mind movies again. Basically, I'm experiencing all the bad symptoms present shortly after DDay. I'm getting sick just typing this.

Has anyone else experienced this type of regression? What did you do to get past it? I spoke to my wife about it but didn't see a reason to drag her through it as well. However, talking about it seems to help and I'm hoping a dialog with the TAM community helps get me past this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Summary of my story: My wife had two affairs; I found out 20 years after the fact; DDay was 15 months ago; we are R and happy.
> 
> I have recently been having a very hard time. I get triggered very easily and get very down. Anything associated with the time my wife was cheating triggers me.
> 
> ...


To your wife, it's 20 years in the past. To you? It's as if it happened last year.

Time. Time does help.


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

my dd was about 15 months ago too...and yes we are R and happy too BUT big fat yes to triggers like urs STILL. I hate it..summary of my "typical" story H had an EA booked hotel for PA (she backed out cuz she felt bad? so now she gets credit for doing right thing)good thing she moved away it was going to be last hurrah for them/met at work/ very quickly realized there was an attraction she persued-he said yes- she said no then left.....we have 2 boys he has a great pic of him and my older son in a boat at work both look great happy- sun out awesome-I want to shred it to bits because I know that was a day it crossed a line with OW-20 years younger right before this boat trip...so yeah I know about triggers.i was terrified of the year to date of DD but was actually ok but last week I saw the picture at his work and couple other things like having to drive by where they booked room and yeah I regress completely -feel like it just happened... stomach, head, breathing, panic- not the time frame mine is more things....sorry im all over the place here, first post and still can't believe I get so sad, mad and wish I had the chance to tell OW off.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

lacey99 said:


> my dd was about 15 months ago too...and yes we are R and happy too BUT big fat yes to triggers like urs STILL. I hate it..summary of my "typical" story H had an EA booked hotel for PA (she backed out cuz she felt bad? so now she gets credit for doing right thing)good thing she moved away it was going to be last hurrah for them/met at work/ very quickly realized there was an attraction she persued-he said yes- she said no then left.....we have 2 boys he has a great pic of him and my older son in a boat at work both look great happy- sun out awesome-I want to shred it to bits because I know that was a day it crossed a line with OW-20 years younger right before this boat trip...so yeah I know about triggers.i was terrified of the year to date of DD but was actually ok but last week I saw the picture at his work and couple other things like having to drive by where they booked room and yeah I regress completely -feel like it just happened... stomach, head, breathing, panic- not the time frame mine is more things....sorry im all over the place here, first post and still can't believe I get so sad, mad and wish I had the chance to tell OW off.


This place never ceases to amaze me - every story is so unique

For once I'll go the other way. You are looking at this completely back to front imo 

From what you say the OW in this specific instance has done you an almighty favour!

Your husband arranged for the hotel, hoping to turn an EA into a PA but the OW got cold feet felt bad and backed out ?!

You must have that info from your husband. She moved away and left your husband to you. 
You reconciled with husband but want to dig her up and have a pop at her ?!?!? 

Is that right ? 

What about your apology of a husband? He didn't get cold feet did he? Had she been okay with it he'd have fked her and they'd have gone on with the affair and you probably would not have had 15 months with him.

In a marriage if it ever gets to affairs and adultery its the 'home' man or woman who are to blame, who have the choice to stop it, no matter what the OM OW is doing or saying. The control is with the wayward spouse not the affair partner

Frankly I'm surprised you stayed with him after that disclosure 

You need to talk to him imo


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Summary of my story: My wife had two affairs; I found out 20 years after the fact; DDay was 15 months ago; we are R and happy.
> 
> I have recently been having a very hard time. I get triggered very easily and get very down. Anything associated with the time my wife was cheating triggers me.
> 
> ...


So pray tell what happened 20 yrs ago?

Did you really have no idea about any of it at all? no suspicions?
And how after that time d you find out 
And how did you deal with it on dday?

you are "R and happy" ?

? 

It doesn't sound like it tbhonest


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

Headspin said:


> This place never ceases to amaze me - every story is so unique
> 
> For once I'll go the other way. You are looking at this completely back to front imo
> 
> ...


yeah- I get what u r saying...I only found this site and all the terms/NC TT and "fog" the last day or so- when I regressed out of the blue...wish I had this info sooner....H has apologized and admitted he was both relieved she backed out but thought they would eventually make it happen...I got the TT then whole truth and that's what the story was...were R and we were both unhappy disconnected-at the time it happened but H seeked EA I did not....we have talked, he has NC but I always wonder (now I don't) why I keep having triggers/regress like confusedfather ... I also wondered if it was because I didn't get to confront her, obviously got to to my H-would it make a difference, after reading it would not... I will have these triggers for while until?


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I think what this thread and all threads in the infidelity forum really teach is that after an affair, the marriage can NEVER get completely fixed. NEVER, EVER. After an affair, couples are walking wounded at best.

This forum should be required reading for all newly engaged couples.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I tell everyone who mentions who is have issues in relationships about TAM. Let them feel their way around . 

Sure wish I read some of this during my 30 yrs plus. Kinda reminds me of 'College Confidential' hopefuls. 

~sammy


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

WalterWhite said:


> I think what this thread and all threads in the infidelity forum really teach is that after an affair, the marriage can NEVER get completely fixed. NEVER, EVER. After an affair, couples are walking wounded at best.
> 
> This forum should be required reading for all newly engaged couples.


 This is oh so true, 4 years from DD with my fww, she is all past it never says a word or even mentions a thing about her years of serial cheating. Its off limits now. i live with it and the untold truths and all the rest every day. Walking wounded is the best the BS can be. Press on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> I think what this thread and all threads in the infidelity forum really teach is that after an affair, the marriage can NEVER get completely fixed. NEVER, EVER. After an affair, couples are walking wounded at best.
> 
> This forum should be required reading for all newly engaged couples.


1000% agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

RWB

((SIGH)) :-( 

~sammy


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Headspin said:


> So pray tell what happened 20 yrs ago?


Long story but here's my first thread if you're interested. DDay


> Did you really have no idea about any of it at all? no suspicions?


I did have suspicions but sometimes it's easy to believe what you want to be true.


> And how after that time d you find out


Her mom knew about one affair and told me as an act of revenge. MIL is a real piece of work. Since my original post she has threatened my life, my wife's life and my children's lives. We currently have an EPO against her.


> And how did you deal with it on dday?


Confronted her and began getting details. My wife was very remorseful and willing to do anything to help. She told me about the second affair that nobody else knew about. This went a long way in showing me she was being sincere.


> you are "R and happy" ?
> 
> ?
> 
> It doesn't sound like it tbhonest


Well by R I mean we are together and living as husband and wife much as we did before DDay. Our relationship is R but I occasionally still struggle but mostly keep it to myself. At this point there is not much to gain by bringing it up with her. It only makes her feel bad and that doesn't make me feel any better. 
As far as happiness goes, to me it is more a state of mind rather than an emotion. I can choose to be happy regardless of my emotional disposition. The way I have felt the last few days is not my normal state of mind.

Thanks for asking.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

RWB said:


> This is oh so true, 4 years from DD with my fww, she is all past it never says a word or even mentions a thing about her years of serial cheating. Its off limits now. i live with it and the untold truths and all the rest every day. Walking wounded is the best the BS can be. Press on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Walking wounded: I don't accept that and you shouldn't either. I know I can be whole again and I believe I will be. To me this is a set back not my new normal.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

:-(


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

RWB, 

Hindsite now, would you too do it all over again ? R, ? 

Because what I'm so afraid of, regardless, either path isn't going to be easy,not that I'm looking for easy. 

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Soory didn't mean to hi jack thread ... 

~sammy


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you gone to counseling?

If your wife loves you, have her help you with the pain.

She caused this pain, and if she is remorseful, she can be a real help. Do not shut her out, have her help you.

She can tell you that you mean more to her than the the other men.

She can do a lot to help you. Let her help.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Just so you guys that reconcile know, even if you divorce or leave a ltr, you don't ever get over that either. Infidelity is a major traumatic, blow. Its like a death. 

Get ptsd counseling, many vets recommend it. Its been over thirty five yrs for me and I think of it often. It hurts only a twinge though.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Summary of my story: My wife had two affairs; I found out 20 years after the fact; DDay was 15 months ago; we are R and happy.
> 
> I have recently been having a very hard time. I get triggered very easily and get very down. Anything associated with the time my wife was cheating triggers me.
> 
> ...



You're not regressing, you're still healing. It takes anywhere from 2 - 5 years to recover from infidelity and that is if recovery is even possible. I was the WS in my marriage and our D-Day was at the end of May, 2012, so we're close to being in reconciliation for about the same amount of time that you and your wife are. I don't expect for my husband to be any where near over it, at this point. I don't expect for him to suffer in silence and not drag me through it with him. My choice to be unfaithful is the reason that he is in so much pain and in order for us to have a chance of a healthy, happy and successful reconciliation then it is my duty, my obligation and, most importantly, my desire to help him heal. I can't possibly be happy, heal and move forward in this marriage, unless and until he can be happy and heal and move forward, as well. 

He and I are a "we." We had stopped being a "we" a long time before my EA/PA. There were a lot of things wrong in our marriage. We're both working on those issues, now, individually, and together. In a genuine, loving partnership, if one spouse is hurting, the other spouse is also hurting. Your wife needs to be actively seeking ways to help you recover from her infidelity. I realize that, to her, it was a long time ago, but to you, it was just last year. And, there is no statute of limitations on the pain from infidelity. Time does not heal all wounds unless the time is being used wisely to address the source of the pain. 

Talk to your wife when you're hurting. Share your pain with her. She should want to be a part of your healing. It should be an essential part of her own healing. My husband and I spend quality time together every single day. There is never a day when we don't talk about our feelings. If that includes talking about the affair, then we do. Not all day, every day, but I never ask him to hold his hurt inside. If I think he is, then I ask him about it. He and I are trying to become a happy, healthy "we" again. I don't know any other way to do that than to do it together.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

EI, 

Would love to hear your hubs voice ... 

~sammy


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> EI,
> 
> Would love to hear your hubs voice ...
> 
> ~sammy


He is, here, on TAM, and his username is B1. For the most part, he quit posting a few months ago, but he has two threads. The most recent one is called "Reconciliation" and it is here in CWI. Though he no longer posts, several others still do. You will be able to "hear his voice" there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay i think It will always be there, you just have to live with it, and make sure she is worth the triggers and pain.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thanks for all the responses. I knew there wouldn't be an answer to fix anything. I just wanted to talk. 

You're right is saying you just have to endure and hope that time eventually works it's magic. No matter how remorseful your spouse or how much they do to help, you just can't undo what's already been done. And that's what we really want. We don't want the truth, we don't want to understand, we don't want to see her remorse; those things don't change the facts. They are what we have so we use them and move on, but deep down inside they don't satisfy the wish that it simply had never happened.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Thanks for all the responses. I knew there wouldn't be an answer to fix anything. I just wanted to talk.
> 
> You're right is saying you just have to endure and hope that time eventually works it's magic. No matter how remorseful your spouse or how much they do to help, you just can't undo what's already been done. And that's what we really want. * We don't want the truth, we don't want to understand, we don't want to see her remorse; those things don't change the facts. They are what we have so we use them and move on, but deep down inside they don't satisfy the wish that it simply had never happened.*


That may be the saddest truth of all. Because, a truly remorseful WS wishes for the same. And, although, we can provide the facts, be transparent, be honest, be remorseful and try our best to make amends, we cannot turn back time, we cannot undo what we've already done. And, there is nothing that we can do to change that. It hurts...... it hurts the BS, and the WS, and win or lose, divorce or reconcile, there is no escaping the pain that comes with that for either of them.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

EI said:


> That may be the saddest truth of all. Because, a truly remorseful WS wishes for the same. And, although, we can provide the facts, be transparent, be honest, be remorseful and try our best to make amends, we cannot turn back time, we cannot undo what we've already done. And, there is nothing that we can do to change that. It hurts...... it hurts the BS, and the WS, and win or lose, divorce or reconcile, there is no escaping the pain that comes with that for either of them.


 I agree with that all the way EI.

I was wondering,is it the physical part of the A that makes it harder to heal?
Or does it really matter?
Twenty one months out and I can fnally say I petty much have a hold on everything.
It seemed like twenty years.
I was flopping all over,I'd be all in one day then out the next.
My wifes was a deep EA but never got physical ( old hs bf ).
I backslide a little now but nothing like I did six months ago,all in for good now.
I kinda feel like it has a lot to do with the FWS,what they are doing and showing
Like EI.
No excuses but they work their ass off to repair and make things right again.
My wife is my motivation most of the time.
Damn,I think I answered my own question!
I think....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

16 years after D-day, my wife has forgiven but never forgotten.

It's like a visible scar, after time it heals but every day you look at us cheaters, all you see is that ugly scar. As time goes on you get used to it and don't even notice it. But once in a blue moon you see it and everything floods back like it was just yesterday.

Sorry but it's for the rest of your life. Life can still be very good but that elephant is always going to be in the room.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I think when it goes full PA is when is harder to forgive . Each time you're intimate you cant help but remember, both of you ... 

~ sammy


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Walking wounded: I don't accept that and you shouldn't either. I know I can be whole again and I believe I will be. To me this is a set back not my new normal.


You will be whole again. Why? Because you really have your head screwed on properly. 

I had the affair. If you want all the accurate details, PM me. 

It's long and complicated, but we are back together. 

Just yesterday my wife told me that she likes the person I am now better than the person I was prior to the affair. 

I changed, but the important part is that she changed, too. 

She went to counseling and she understood what made me vulnerable to cheating. 

I now realize I could have solved all my problems without cheating. I just needed to be more forceful about her going to counseling, even though she refused.

I like her better too, as a person and as a lover. 

The fact that she was willing to accept some responsibility for creating an environment that makes someone susceptible to cheating is why our reconciliation is a good one. 

Your situation is likely different than mine. Still the fact that your wif wants to make amends and work on a reconciliation is a good thing. 

Really, what marriage doesn't have problems?

The difference is that some people address those problems and other people, people who are afraid to confront their own weaknesses or stubornness, duck their heads into the sand. 

In those cases the marriage limps along until a crisis wakes both partners up. 

Because of your attitude. I think you will be just fine. 

Life is really and truly what we make it. We can choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy. 

My wife said, she refuses to be a victim or even a survivor. 

She considers the affair a bump in the road. One that woke us both up and created the happier more aware marriage we have now.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

RWB said:


> This is oh so true, 4 years from DD with my fww, she is all past it never says a word or even mentions a thing about her years of serial cheating. Its off limits now. i live with it and the untold truths and all the rest every day. Walking wounded is the best the BS can be. Press on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


RWB, I don't mean this as a criticism, but why then do you stay with her ?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You don't "press on" man,you heal and a spouse that hurt you so deep will
Go to the end of the Earth to do what they can to make you well again.
Can't limp forward,you march forward with or without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Never knowing the truth will haunt a BH for over 30 years.

The WW does not have the right to deny her BH the knowledge of what happened.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

theroad said:


> Never knowing the truth will haunt a BH for over 30 years.
> 
> The WW does not have the right to deny her BH the knowledge of what happened.


Very true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Regression is a very real thing to me right now as I feel I'm experiencing it. It will be 2 years since DDay in Feb and for the last three months I'm falling backwards. 

I think there is a very real PTSD when you experience infidelity on both sides. Even after over a year of counseling I am sad, angry, hurt and crying myself to sleep again. I'm not sure why. 

Some days are really good and then some days are bogged down with the memories. If my spouse knew of the inner struggle I am going through he would be shocked. On the outside I look fine. On the inside I am battling indecision and wondering if I would have been happier to have moved along. 

I don't feel like I can share this with him because he's always been emotionally elusive especially if it pertains to him. So I continue to swim upstream. 

I get what you are saying....and can only hope that answers are in the struggle.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Some days are really good and then some days are bogged down with the memories. If my spouse knew of the inner struggle I am going through he would be shocked. On the outside I look fine. On the inside I am battling indecision and wondering if I would have been happier to have moved along.


Yeah, the roller coaster is the worst. Sometimes I wish I didn't have good spells because they make the bad spells even worse. I think I have a better understanding of how horrible it must be to be bi-polar.


> I get what you are saying....and can only hope that answers are in the struggle.


I hope so. I used to think this was true but not so sure anymore.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> Walking wounded: I don't accept that and you shouldn't either. I know I can be whole again and I believe I will be. To me this is a set back not my new normal.


What if you can't get over it? Some folks can't. 

How do you expect to be whole again? What goals do you have to get there?

And look why you feel you regressed. What is triggering this?

Sounds like you and your wife have a lot of work ahead of you. Talk about it with her. Let her help you heal.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Reading this, I am finally realizing why my ExH has been sending me toxic emails for 7 yrs since our split. I was a walkaway wife and deliberately arranged a quickie exit affair to seal the deal, to make myself have to leave. And that was it, and I told my H what i had done and that I was now gone. Later I found out that in my state I did not need to "do" anything to have an excuse to leave, but I did not know that. I thought I had to "do something bad" to justify leaving. It was a non-emotional "business" arrangement, something I did right before calling an attorney! But the X has gone on and on and on about it, calling me names, etc.

Anyway, after I did that, I filed, we split, and 18 mos later i married someone else (NOT the guy who had agreed to my exit PA--there was no EA at all). 

Since then, the X has inundated me with toxic stuff about how my PA ruined our marriage, etc etc. What a joke. 

But now I think I see that he's got this whole show going on in his head about it. It is also a convenient hook to hang a lot of blame from. 

I don't know why your W did what she did, but I have heard and suspect that in most cases it's the tail wagging the dog..... EA's and PA's don't occur in a vacuum. There must have been some difficult dynamics taking place in your marriage 20 yrs ago that resulted in some bad decisions. 

You are different. She is different. Your marriage is different. The pain is being manufactured in your head, as you say, mind movies. 

It might help as some say if she could be explicit and replace your painful imaginings with the facts. But you need to frame those facts in the reality of how things were way back then. You were different people in a different place in life and in your relating.

Marriages are tough, tougher with kids, tougher when we're young and kinda stupid about stuff.... I wonder if it would help to realize that physically, emotionally, and mentally we are just different people 20 years later? Would you consider "re-marrying" your W? Kind of symbolically? Because I don't think you're the same people at this point. 

I also think that your up-and-down is normal for a shock like this and as another post said, For you this really just happened, in terms of the emotional reality. 

But, as I say, you're really talking about different people now. 

And now I see why my poor ExH is stuck in a rut about me and can't move on. Even though I gave him all the facts, his mind movies keep him locked in a cycle that lets him blame me instead of looking at his own role in pushing me away.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Reading this, I am finally realizing why my ExH has been sending me toxic emails for 7 yrs since our split. I was a walkaway wife and deliberately arranged a quickie exit affair to seal the deal, to make myself have to leave. And that was it, and I told my H what i had done and that I was now gone. Later I found out that in my state I did not need to "do" anything to have an excuse to leave, but I did not know that. I thought I had to "do something bad" to justify leaving. It was a non-emotional "business" arrangement, something I did right before calling an attorney! But the X has gone on and on and on about it, calling me names, etc.
> 
> Anyway, after I did that, I filed, we split, and 18 mos later i married someone else (NOT the guy who had agreed to my exit PA--there was no EA at all).
> 
> ...




Its good you are looking back and trying to see the other side of it but its clear you really don't get it. I think sadly you would have to go through this experience to really truly understand to what level and degree the suffering really is. Sure you can look back and say well "He pushed me to it." But seriously as I feel I would rather had you pull a gun out and shoot me than do this. 

Its like telling a rape victim they deserved it. Sure rape is a lot worse but the symptoms are very similar and are triggered easily. 

Clay


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> Yeah, the roller coaster is the worst. Sometimes I wish I didn't have good spells because they make the bad spells even worse. I think I have a better understanding of how horrible it must be to be bi-polar.
> 
> I hope so. I used to think this was true but not so sure anymore.


Confusedfather, 

I have suffered with this for almost 20 years. Sure with time it gets less but you are exactly right. Nothing will take away this nothing can be said or done. Honestly even if the same thing happened to the person that did it to you it still brings no real way of truly getting healed from this. I found times where I blamed myself for the choices I made in women. Insecurity set in and all the wonder feelings of depression and hatred still happen. 

The best way I found to deal with this is to get the people did the damage to me out of my life. While I do still have to deal with my xW since we have kids and I have custody of them I limit all contact. I not saying you have to do this for you. I am just saying what helped me. Plan for things to help you focus on other things. I use music and work to help take my mind off of it. 

Hopefully in time you will heal. 

I was surprised I ran into this post today. I have honestly wondered if it was just something with me. 

Thank you for sharing. 

Clay


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

questar1, stop projecting, you don't get it, that's for sure. Your post is inaccurate, full of generalizations and overall out of the mark.
Imaginary pain, manufactured in the head? Poor XH is stupidly stuck in made up mind movies?

And of course in order for OP's wayward to cheat they had to be "difficult dynamics" taking place, not in the vacuum, it's enterly imposible people cheat because is selfish, prone to immediate self gratication and lacks integrity. Yeah.

Good Lord.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> What if you can't get over it? Some folks can't.


If I can't get over it then I'll deal with it. I've always been good at that.


> How do you expect to be whole again? What goals do you have to get there?


This is a very good observation. Things don't happen by accident and I haven't had a very good plan concerning my recent regression. I really prayed a lot in the beginning and I learned a lot about my self and my faith. Some where along the way I forgot about God. So He's my plan now.


> And look why you feel you regressed. What is triggering this?


I honestly don't know. There's been so much time between the affair and Dday it's clouded my thought about our past. I think a part of me is afraid there's more I don't know about. 


> Sounds like you and your wife have a lot of work ahead of you. Talk about it with her. Let her help you heal.


We do have some work to do; me more than her. Our marriage was ideal right before this happened and she is so sweet and loving all the time. I don't like to talk about it because I can tell it hurts her to be reminded that I'm still hurting. But this is something I still need to do.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Acabado said:


> questar1, stop projecting, you don't get it, that's for sure. Your post is inaccurate, full of generalizations and overall out of the mark.
> Imaginary pain, manufactured in the head? Poor XH is stupidly stuck in made up mind movies?
> 
> And of course in order for OP's wayward to cheat they had to be "difficult dynamics" taking place, not in the vacuum, it's enterly imposible people cheat because is selfish, prone to immediate self gratication and lacks integrity. Yeah.
> ...


A - I think you are correct but I don't want to turn this into a 'bash the cheater' thread.

Q - I think you intent is good but you really don't understand at all. I don't think you can understand unless it has happened to you. I never would have thought I would react the was that I have or felt the way I feel.
You did make a good point about symbolically remarrying. I feel that our original marriage ended, not legally but ended non the less. The vows are a contract and that contract was broken and voided. We do plan to remarry. But to me it's more than symbolic.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> Thank you for sharing.
> 
> Clay


Thank you as well. I almost quite read/posting here because I thought it was forcing me to think about it too much. But now I know sometimes you just need to talk it out.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> If I can't get over it then I'll deal with it. I've always been good at that.
> 
> This is a very good observation. Things don't happen by accident and I haven't had a very good plan concerning my recent regression. I really prayed a lot in the beginning and I learned a lot about my self and my faith. Some where along the way I forgot about God. So He's my plan now.
> 
> ...


Talking about your pain is critical to your healing. You saying that you don't like to talk about it because it will remind of that you are still hurting is kind of a cop out. I am talking from experience. You push her away if you don't open up. There are ways to do this. One method is set time aside each week (more if you need it) and say, I want to talk for one hour. After that hour end it. You are still hurting. Talk about it. My wife and I read the Bible in the morning and evening and pray for each other. I still hurt big time.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Please don't make assumptions. This has indeed happened to me. I am not unfamiliar with exactly this kind of pain. I could detail for you the weeks of vomiting and sleeplessness as the truth was revealed, but let's just say: Done that.

I think that what we go through in our own minds is the source of much of our own torture. Facts help dispel this. Information helps, as does empathy. "Mind movies": That is what I am calling "imagination"--which does not exclude the true facts of the matter. That which occurs in our heads and torments us. The constant going over and over of something. Trauma.

In my case, after I chose to have an "exit affair," I shared with my STBX exactly what I had done and why (the "why"is far more complex than this thread justifies sharing). He chose to deny those facts and to invent a whole sordid story in order to blame me for the demise of our marriage. But I was leaving because among other things he was living a parallel life in which he bankrupted us and was dealing in illegal things. The children are to this day grateful I finally woke up.

So it was not my affair that caused the divorce (merely empowered me to leave). And my ex's continued pain is due not to the facts of the matter but to what he prefers to invent, so as to blame me. 

On a different scale (I hope most marriages are not as toxic & weird as mine was), I still hold to the notion that the complex dynamics of any marriage contribute to the decisions each member thereof makes. And therefore you heal together. Within the marriage, with explanations, facts, and utter kindness; eventually, with forgiveness.

I am currently being treated for PTSD for an assault that shattered my life as I knew it. It takes time to grow strong enough to stop feeling like a victim and slowly take back a sense of power. I encourage you, confusedFather, to be patient with yourself, and expect this kind of cycling, spiraling, among the different phases of coping with your pain. I think it's normal. And the more you can get OUT of your head and into "just the facts," the more you may find some relief. It doesn't let her off the hook but neither does pure blaming provide much relief, as I am learning in trauma therapy. In my case the assault is quite obvious; I was the victim. But therapy at last is shifting me out of feeling victimized and owning my own pain and grief and thus its remedy. I believe that is what lies ahead for you and I sense you are on the right path. It really takes time, and it's worth it. Please be patient with yourself and don't think that your rebounding, recycling pain means there is anything wrong with you or your efforts to heal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I regressed a couple of months ago.

We were at a friend's house, just chilling out in the garden drinking tea and chatting. (Yes, how very British of us! ) my wife and her friend were chatting and my wife suddenly said: "Bob! I really love that man! But he's a fool to himself!"

Nice. Seeing as Bob (not his real name) was the man she had her affair with 15 or so years back.

I said nothing. I mean what's the point? 

All those feelings of insecurity, pain, angst and worthlessness came back for a while.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I regress all the time. It seems for every step forward, I take another back. Nothing really is right yet. Life is always reminding me that everything is different now, and becaue it's different I'm reminded of how selfish my hubsand was. If I choose to leave, I'm reminded too, 
Its seems like a lose-lose to me. But hubs feels like he hit the lotto.

~ sammy


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I regressed a couple of months ago.
> 
> We were at a friend's house, just chilling out in the garden drinking tea and chatting. (Yes, how very British of us! ) my wife and her friend were chatting and my wife suddenly said: "Bob! I really love that man! But he's a fool to himself!"
> 
> ...


 Damn M&M,that sucked.
I still slip back and feel like crap but that's becoming less and less,having a WS that sees the hurt
they cause and are trying their ass of to fix it helps a lot.
The irony is still there that she's the one that can comfort me.
Oh well,no real regrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Matt,
I know what you mean about triggering off the name. I had a coworker that I deal with daily retire and the new guy has the same first name as on of my wife's AP. To make matters worse the AP's last name is McDonald and I can't tell you how many McDonald's there are in America but I drive by them every day. That was a trigger at first but doesn't really bother me any more.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hate to say this---but what you are going thru in your WORK/YOUNGER years ---pales in comparison---to what you will face once you retire---and are with your spouse 24/7

There is no work to go to---there are no kids there day in and day out---there is you and your spouse---together all the time---and let me tell you-----it all comes back again and again and again-----for you have nothing but time to think---and think and think

The stats, and successes---they go way--they disappear----and you remember---boy do you remember

I got one suggestion---somehow or other---DON'T GROW OLD AND RETIRE--if there is adultery in your life---what you feel and go thru now----IT IS NOTHING--compared to what you face----day after day after day, in retirement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Matt,
> I know what you mean about triggering off the name. I had a coworker that I deal with daily retire and the new guy has the same first name as on of my wife's AP. To make matters worse the AP's last name is McDonald and I can't tell you how many McDonald's there are in America but I drive by them every day. That was a trigger at first but doesn't really bother me any more.


I didn't trigger off the name. *I triggered because my wife said to me and her friend that she loved her former affair partner. And that hurt.*

But I know what you mean about names.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I hate to say this---but what you are going thru in your WORK/YOUNGER years ---pales in comparison---to what you will face once you retire---and are with your spouse 24/7
> 
> There is no work to go to---there are no kids there day in and day out---there is you and your spouse---together all the time---and let me tell you-----it all comes back again and again and again-----for you have nothing but time to think---and think and think
> 
> ...


 I think that depends on the person,we're all different and thresholds for pain are different.
My wifes A didn't get very far and I dug up a lot on the POS,he wasn't at all what he described.
I think the lenght of the affair,the level and depth of emotions have a lot to do with it also.
Hell there are a lot of factors.
It is there though and I think it will always be back in the shadows and corners
of a BS's mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> I think what this thread and all threads in the infidelity forum really teach is that after an affair, the marriage can NEVER get completely fixed. NEVER, EVER. After an affair, couples are walking wounded at best.
> 
> This forum should be required reading for all newly engaged couples.


it wouldn't matter. We all get married thinking it will never happen to us.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Matt - Wow! That would hurt. I didn't realize she was talking about the actual AP; I just thought it was someone with the same name. I'm not sure how I would handle that. Does she think it's okay to say that?

jnj - I'm sorry you still have so much pain. Honestly, I don't see it being worse for me 25 years down the road (I'm only 44 and plan to work as long as they'll let me). When I'm able to objectively look back I realize that I've gotten over a lot of things and so has she. We got married extremely young and were both very selfish at first. This didn't make for good spouses or parents. The first ten years of our marriage were misery and when I think back I realize I would never live like that again. The only reason we made it past those first ten was we were both too stubborn to quit and neither of us wanted to break up the kid's home. 

Now the boys are men and there are no grandchildren so it is a lot of me and her. She really is the best wife and friend I could ever imagine. The 15 years leading up to dday have been wonderful. The fact that the infidelity happened during the bad years and was so long ago lessens some of the sting. I really don't know what I would be like if it had been recent.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I hate to say this---but what you are going thru in your WORK/YOUNGER years ---pales in comparison---to what you will face once you retire---and are with your spouse 24/7
> 
> There is no work to go to---there are no kids there day in and day out---there is you and your spouse---together all the time---and let me tell you-----it all comes back again and again and again-----for you have nothing but time to think---and think and think
> 
> ...



Oh great...

~ sammy


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I didn't trigger off the name. *I triggered because my wife said to me and her friend that she loved her former affair partner. And that hurt.*
> 
> But I know what you mean about names.


And you couldn't say anything back to her because of her "Aspergers" and made a post about it on TAM.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Confused Father I think you are doing admirably. There is no, has never been and will never be a PERFECT marriage. It's all a roller coaster and when given enough time one spouse will harm the other spouse in one of a gazillion ways.

To me it's like hockey, you're going to get knocked down but, how you get up is the key. :smthumbup:


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> Thank you as well. I almost quite read/posting here because I thought it was forcing me to think about it too much. .



I agree w/not posting/leaving this site for a bit..I found TAM when I thought I was going nuts "not moving on"/regressing -it helped me feel better, learning and reading about what I was going thru was normal etc, BUT then felt I started to ? my decision to R, relizing im gonna think about this for years to come UGH... eventhough we are at a good healthy point w/our marriage-it's challenge to balance this site sometimes-learning from and not allowing it to contribute to triggers/regression- I guess?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Ive been at this for awhile now, and to be honest, not a day goes by that I am not thinking about how different my life is now. Where prior to this, my day had a very nice predictablitiy about it for a very long time.
I dont know if I will really ever heal from this life changing event to regress. It's like you just have to accept this part of sadness that will always be there. Like when my sister died, to this day I feel that lost as strong now as then , and that was 22 years ago. 

~sammy


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> And you couldn't say anything back to her because of her "Aspergers" and made a post about it on TAM.


I make posts about this here because TAM is my safe place to help me Cope With Infidelity.

Tell me, with your use of sarcastic Quotation Marks, why do *you* come here?

You see, the great thing about TAM is that nobody forces us to come here, nobody forces us to read posts that we do not want to read. Nobody forces us to reply to posts.

If you dislike posts from some other posters so much, may I suggest that you use the ignore function lest you be tempted to read posts that seem to enrage you and induce you to make replies that are, to be frank, less than edifying and not as helpful as one might wish on a forum intended to help people Cope With Infidelity?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> Has anyone else experienced this type of regression? What did you do to get past it? I spoke to my wife about it but didn't see a reason to drag her through it as well. However, talking about it seems to help and I'm hoping a dialog with the TAM community helps get me past this.


It's not regression. It's the journey. The thoughts can't be erased. You can only equip yourself to carry them so that they don't weigh you down. 
Acceptance rather than fighting them is a good device. Look at them from the outside and say to yourself, "Those horrible thoughts again. Oh well it's not surprising". You might find they lose their sting once you acknowledge them. Sometimes it's the fighting and burying of them that drains us.
You said that talking helps. Tell your wife when it hits, tell her EXACTLY what you are feeling including the physical symptoms. Don't feel you don't want to drag her through it. You might get her to read some threads on R here to get an idea of how BS feel if she thinks you should be 'moving on'. 
MC/IC would probably help too. . . and TAM of course.
Take care.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

********** said:


> It's not regression. It's the journey. The thoughts can't be erased. You can only equip yourself to carry them so that they don't weigh you down.
> Acceptance rather than fighting them is a good device. Look at them from the outside and say to yourself, "Those horrible thoughts again. Oh well it's not surprising". You might find they lose their sting once you acknowledge them. Sometimes it's the fighting and burying of them that drains us.
> You said that talking helps. Tell your wife when it hits, tell her EXACTLY what you are feeling including the physical symptoms. Don't feel you don't want to drag her through it. You might get her to read some threads on R here to get an idea of how BS feel if she thinks you should be 'moving on'.
> MC/IC would probably help too. . . and TAM of course.
> Take care.


:iagree:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> Now the boys are men and there are no grandchildren so it is a lot of me and her. * She really is the best wife and friend I could ever imagine. * The 15 years leading up to dday have been wonderful. The fact that the infidelity happened during the bad years and was so long ago lessens some of the sting. I really don't know what I would be like if it had been recent.



Perhaps you need to rephrase the bold? The best wife and friend you could imagine is one who can cheat on you? Doesn't sound right to me.

By writing that, are you programming yourself to believe it?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I make posts about this here because TAM is my safe place to help me Cope With Infidelity.
> 
> Tell me, with your use of sarcastic Quotation Marks, why do *you* come here?
> 
> ...


 M&M is a damn fine man and a gentleman,anyone got a problem with him they have
A problem with me.
The man has been there and helped me and my wife out big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Ive been at this for awhile now, and to be honest, not a day goes by that I am not thinking about how different my life is now. Where prior to this, my day had a very nice predictablitiy about it for a very long time.
> I dont know if I will really ever heal from this life changing event to regress. It's like you just have to accept this part of sadness that will always be there. Like when my sister died, to this day I feel that lost as strong now as then , and that was 22 years ago.
> 
> ~sammy


 Hang in there sammy,you will heal and get better,it may not seem like it but you will.
Some of it may alwas be with you but the hurt subsides,after awhile you don't think about
It for days or weeks...trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I make posts about this here because TAM is my safe place to help me Cope With Infidelity.
> 
> Tell me, with your use of sarcastic Quotation Marks, why do *you* come here?
> 
> ...


Because I am pissed off for you and can only make passive aggressive posts ...

Matt, do you think your "Coping with infidelity" is healthy ? TAM is your safe place. But it is also the place where you can keep playing the victim without doing anything to better the situation..


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

calvin said:


> M&M is a damn fine man and a gentleman,anyone got a problem with him they have
> A problem with me.
> The man has been there and helped me and my wife out big time.


I don't doubt he is a gentleman. I also think he's a chump that could hold his wife more accountable than he does. Yes, he's got to handle things differently because of her Asperger's. But that doesn't mean she's totally incapable of understanding things when explained to her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Because I am pissed off for you and can only make passive aggressive posts ...
> 
> Matt, do you think your "Coping with infidelity" is healthy ? TAM is your safe place. But it is also the place where you can keep playing the victim without doing anything to better the situation..


No. You are not pissed off *for* me. Be honest. You are pissed off *with* me. And why? Who knows? I have not done anything against you. Except, perhaps, acted in accord with what I want to do and not what you would do if you were me. Well, here's a clue. You aren't me.

By the way, I do not make passive-aggressive posts. You, however, do. You can see see the mote in other people's eyes, but not the beam in your own. 

We know your attitude towards reconciliation. The only good cheater is a divorced cheater? Would that just about sum up your stance?

Your problem is that you only have a hammer in your toolbox and so every problem you see looks like a nail.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I don't doubt he is a gentleman. I also think he's a chump that could hold his wife more accountable than he does. Yes, he's got to handle things differently because of her Asperger's. But that doesn't mean she's totally incapable of understanding things when explained to her.


Larry, let's just say that there are certain gaps in my wife's understanding. 

It's really bizarre and very frustrating at times but, that's how she is.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> No. You are not pissed off *for* me. Be honest. You are pissed off *with* me. And why? Who knows? I have not done anything against you. Except, perhaps, acted in accord with what I want to do and not what you would do if you were me. Well, here's a clue. You aren't me.
> 
> By the way, I do not make passive-aggressive posts. You, however, do. You can see see the mote in other people's eyes, but not the beam in your own.
> 
> ...



Ok, I will end the threadjack here... Good luck Matt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Ok, I will end the threadjack here... Good luck Matt.


Thanks. And I mean that.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Anybody have a spouse with Aspergers?
I think M&M is doing pretty good given the circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> Anybody have a spouse with Aspergers?
> I think M&M is doing pretty good given the circumstances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are a couple here, on TAM. And yes, Calvin, it can be a bit difficult, at times!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> There are a couple here, on TAM. And yes, Calvin, it can be a bit difficult, at times!


 Yeah but you have done pretty well M&M with the cards you were delt.
IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yeah but you have done pretty well M&M with the cards you were delt.
> IMHO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, Calvin. I appreciate that.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

aug said:


> Perhaps you need to rephrase the bold? The best wife and friend you could imagine is one who can cheat on you? Doesn't sound right to me.
> 
> By writing that, are you programming yourself to believe it?


Aug - I understand what you're saying. The thing is, I don't believe she can cheat on me any more. If I thought that, I wouldn't be here. I can't explain the change I've seen in her through 27 years. At the time the infidelities occurred our marriage was very toxic. All we did was fight and make up to fight again. People would ask me why I stayed married to her. But that has not been the case for a very long time. In fact, right before dday my son commented to us that we were a perfect couple. He said we should teach classes about how married people should treat each other.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

For what it's worth. I don't think Warlock is a bad guy. He made some posts in my original thread that turned me off to him. But after reading more I think he's a 'tough love' kind of poster. It can be easy for a BS to act weak in a time of weakness.

Not to threadjack my own thread but that's my 2 cents.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Is guilt and self-disgust the only reason she did not leave you 20+ years ago? 

I would understand reconciling with her if she told you right away and that you had the chance to make a choice that you deserved while younger about how your marriage would be.

But for over 20+ years she had chances to tell you, but never did. Are all the good times you have shared been authentic, or guilt driven?

It would make me think, if the person i have spent all that time with was really there for me, or for the kids, or just because she felt guilty and wanted self-preservation.

She was willing to tell her mother first but not you and your mother is a monster by your posts? Who else was she willing to confess to besides you?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Larry, let's just say that there are certain gaps in my wife's understanding.
> 
> It's really bizarre and very frustrating at times but, that's how she is.


I'm not married to an Aspie, so I can't say I'm in your shoes. But I do know and interact with more than one. Yes, there are parts of their understanding of human interaction that aren't naturally there. But that doesn't mean they aren't intellectually capable of grasping them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I'm not married to an Aspie, so I can't say I'm in your shoes. But I do know and interact with more than one. Yes, there are parts of their understanding of human interaction that aren't naturally there. But that doesn't mean they aren't intellectually capable of grasping them.


But probably best not to tell them a joke. And don't change the route you take when you go out with them. That always ends badly.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Because I am pissed off for you and can only make passive aggressive posts ...
> 
> Matt, do you think your "Coping with infidelity" is healthy ? TAM is your safe place. But it is also the place where you can keep playing the victim without doing anything to better the situation..


 M&M,this was said by Warlock because he does care about you and he's trying
To help.
Sorry if I got stupid lock.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> M&M,this was said by Warlock because he does care about you and he's trying
> To help.
> Sorry if I got stupid lock.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Warlock means well. But sometimes he miss-speaks.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Warlock means well. But sometimes he miss-speaks.


 Yeah well,he had to knock some sense into me early in ne and. CSS's R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Make it Stop (Nov 11, 2013)

I'm so glad I saw this thread, so much good insight...thank you. 

For me it's a constant battle with triggers. It's only been about 5mos since DDay, but it's so hard go through the activities of each day and not think about what was happening at this time _last year _without spiraling downward. We went to get pumpkins for Halloween and all I could think of was how last year I thought it was a "happy family time" but in reality, he was having an affair. I'm dreading getting the Christmas tree. 

Pictures are some of the worst triggers for me. Wedding pics around the house are hard, but worse are the ones taken during his affair. I wish I could get rid of them but many are pics with kids when he was coaching their ball teams...big smiles...proud dad...makes me physically ill to look at them. I once said to him "no wonder you looked so happy." His response was that he was happy because he was enjoying a special moment with the kids. While that may be true, it's just a visual reminder of the hypocrisy and lack of guilt he had at the time.

Anyway, I guess it's good to know we are not alone in our grief. It doesn't make the pain go away but somehow knowing I am not alone makes the burden a little lighter.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

You raise a lot of valid points. I'll describe how I've handled them in the hope it helps someone else.



Cobre said:


> Is guilt and self-disgust the only reason she did not leave you 20+ years ago?


She experienced a great degree of guilt and self-disgust. However, I don't think they were reasons she stayed. She is very hard pressed to give any reason that makes sense for either of the affairs. She says she never wanted to leave but there was a time she was thinking about it. I'd say in her heart she stayed for the kids and the thought that she could do/be better. She also had nowhere better to go so a degree of self preservation was involved.


> I would understand reconciling with her if she told you right away and that you had the chance to make a choice that you deserved while younger about how your marriage would be.


We'll have to disagree on this point. I simply can't imagine that I would have stayed with her if I found out soon after it happened. I was in the Navy and every deployment would have me thinking she is cheating again.

The fact that we had a pretty poor marriage at the time of her affairs gives me perspective. We were both young and selfish, not very kind to each other, and always ready to blame the other without acknowledging our own faults.

She really changed after about 10 years of marriage. She decided to make me first in all things. I saw this and it had a profound affect on me. After some time, probably about a year or two, I decided to do the same. This created a wonderful energy of giving and love that fed off of itself; a kind of wonderful chain reaction if you will. I think we had finally started acting like God intended spouses to act. The last 12 - 15 years have be a beautiful relationship.


> But for over 20+ years she had chances to tell you, but never did. Are all the good times you have shared been authentic, or guilt driven?


I think the good times have been authentic. When she was selfish, guilt would not have been a good enough motivator for her to create good times. After some time she completely buried the affairs and almost forgot about them. She said she went about 10 years without thinking about them. Out of nowhere she thought about them during a women's bible study. She broke down and realized that she would have to tell me the truth if I ever asked. She said she didn't want to tell me herself because she was afraid I would not forgive her and that my inability to forgive her would lead to my condemnation by God. This was a misunderstanding of Matthew 6:14-15. This was why she didn't tell me after she started thinking about it again. This was something she lived with for about 6 years before I found out.

Honestly, this is one of the things I struggle with. I can't stand to look at pictures, listen to music, or think about anything during those times. I feel like there's a part of my past that is not what I thought it was. It's so long ago that I don't have the ability to see it as it was so I avoid it as much as possible. Luckily, these were years with lots of holes already, with regard to my family life, caused by frequent and sometimes long deployments.


> It would make me think, if the person i have spent all that time with was really there for me, or for the kids, or just because she felt guilty and wanted self-preservation.


You're probably correct, many of the years she probably stayed simply for the kids and self preservation. She'll say she loved me but I know what she means. I loved her too, as best as I could, but looking back I know it wasn't real love, not like we've had since then.


> She was willing to tell her mother first but not you and your mother is a monster by your posts? Who else was she willing to confess to besides you?


She thought she told her sister about one of the affairs but her sister said she didn't remember being told. She said she also told a friend who husband was also in the Navy. I don't really she how this matters. I would expect her to tell someone she could trust if she felt shame about it. I wouldn't expect her to tell me knowing what the consequences would be.

All that being said, I must say that this is my rational mind that comes to these conclusions. My emotional mind is still hurt and will ask the same questions you've posted here. That's one of the things that is still so hard to deal with. My immediate and natural reaction to thoughts of her cheating come from my emotional mind. It is an exercise to engage my intellect and to get past the emotional hurt. I hope that makes sense.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Make it Stop said:


> I'm so glad I saw this thread, so much good insight...thank you.


Make it Stop, you're welcome. One of the ways we heal is helping others to do the same. You're still very early on in your healing process. Hang in there and remain strong. If you've read this thread you know there is still a long way to go.

I really believe if you decide that you will be whole again then you will. If you don't believe you will you're also correct. Make the choice to heal then make it happen.


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

Make it Stop said:


> I'm so glad I saw this thread, so much good insight...thank you.
> 
> 
> Pictures are some of the worst triggers for me. Wedding pics around the house are hard, but worse are the ones taken during his affair. I wish I could get rid of them but many are pics with kids when he was coaching their ball teams...big smiles...proud dad...makes me physically ill to look at them. I once said to him "no wonder you looked so happy." His response was that he was happy because he was enjoying a special moment with the kids. While that may be true, it's just a visual reminder of the hypocrisy and lack of guilt he had at the time.
> ...


I threw everyone of my wedding pictures/video out, shortly after dday -which was over 1.5 yr ago-I don't regret it. I found a few in a box a couple months ago-did the same thing. We are in R but the pictures for me trigger something.Even for our anniversary this year- he wanted to celebrate-I asked celebrate what?years married, year since you have cheated, years we've known each other?-so we just ignored it-next year is 20 years (technically) but I can't even imagine acknowledging it-may be I will? triggers are still intense but they do get further in between.... I mentioned earlier in this thread -re a pic of my H and son on a boat-I know I couldn't have it here in the house, eventually I could see me throwing that out too-time does help


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My DD was over 4 years ago. My wife had been serially cheating for over 6 years when I caught her. Married 30 years at DD. I stayed we are in R.

*Regress after healing?*

5 days out, 5 months, 5 years... I personally don't think you ever heal fully... _"Get over it, Move on past it"_... regardless of R or D. This assuming you are not completely brain dead. 

The pictures, the places, the times of year, they will always remind you of what your spouse willingly, with malice intent chose to do. And, remember you really only know what you found or what *they* they allowed you to hear. What are you going to do... burn every photo, destroy the furniture, sell the car, never drive down that road that the "hotel" is on. 

A - Trigger = R I wish it was that simple.

This idea that in 2 to 4 years you "graduate from the affair" and are promoted to Healed is somewhat simplistic. There's a time to grieve, to hurt, to scream. But at some point the Train is leaving the station... get on-board.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

RWB said:


> My DD was over 4 years ago. My wife had been serially cheating for over 6 years when I caught her. Married 30 years at DD. I stayed we are in R.



What is the reason again for you to stay with a serial cheater? Did you cheat on her too?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

aug said:


> What is the reason again for you to stay with a serial cheater? Did you cheat on her too?


I never cheated. I never had hard proof she was cheating until I caught her in the last affair. Complicated.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

My problem is I suspected my wife of cheating back in 2007, looked at text on her phone for a while, looked at phone bill and checked numbers for names to see who she was communicating with and I found nothing to support my suspicions.

2011 I get a much stronger feeling and did 2 months of digging and caught a dm on twitter were she confessed to a ons.
I confront her and she admits it and confesses to another one she had 2 months after the first ons

So now I look back and think about all the times she went out and wonder if there is more that she did.
We were together for twenty years! What don't I know, when else did she cheat ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

movin on said:


> My problem is I suspected my wife of cheating back in 2007, looked at text on her phone for a while, looked at phone bill and checked numbers for names to see who she was communicating with and I found nothing to support my suspicions.
> 
> 2011 I get a much stronger feeling and did 2 months of digging and caught a dm on twitter were she confessed to a ons.
> I confront her and she admits it and confesses to another one she had 2 months after the first ons
> ...


I have struggled with this type of thinking as well. I my case, her mother only knew about the first ONS. Nobody but my W knew about the second ONS. She willingly told me in order to come clean on everything. The fact that she admitted it when there was no way I could find out helps me believe she has told me everything. Perhaps you could focus on that as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

questar1 said:


> Reading this, I am finally realizing why my ExH has been sending me toxic emails for 7 yrs since our split. I was a walkaway wife and deliberately arranged a quickie exit affair to seal the deal, to make myself have to leave. And that was it, and I told my H what i had done and that I was now gone. Later I found out that in my state I did not need to "do" anything to have an excuse to leave, but I did not know that. I thought I had to "do something bad" to justify leaving. It was a non-emotional "business" arrangement, something I did right before calling an attorney! But the X has gone on and on and on about it, calling me names, etc.
> 
> Anyway, after I did that, I filed, we split, and 18 mos later i married someone else (NOT the guy who had agreed to my exit PA--there was no EA at all).
> 
> ...


*Phew!* How lucky for you! Your cheating with another man in a cold, calculating way to end your marriage was all your ex-husband's fault!

Your husband is responsible for what he did, you, however, are responsible for what you did. I.E., having the affair.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Coming up on the one-year anniversary of DDay, so... yep. I'm back at square one, re-checking things incase I "missed" something. Looking at old phone records, credit card statements, etc. Internal alarm bells ringing. WH refuses to admit to a physical affair even though all signs point there, but of course, I have no definitive proof - and we all know cheaters almost always ONLY admit to what you have found out yourself and have proof of.

It's going to be a sucky Thanksgiving.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I think periodic regression is normal. Nature of the beast if you will. It always feels like yesterday, always!Its not a soft tissue injury that heals. Its more like an amputation which is always a handicap. Always a bleeding wound to me. As if it just occurred.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

You're a lucky man in a lot of ways, CF. Yes, she did stray very early in your relationship and that's got to be very hurtful, but I think she realized that those times were totally empty with none of the love she felt for you. She decided that YOU were what she wanted and, apparently, she's proved that to you over and over again for over 20 years. You should really cherish her and appreciate the love and devotion she's showered on you....and I believe you do.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Once you know your spouse had an A, everything changes. This knowledge determines your future. Triggers lessen over time but never goes away. That is sad truth.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

thummper said:


> You're a lucky man in a lot of ways, CF. Yes, she did stray very early in your relationship and that's got to be very hurtful, but I think she realized that those times were totally empty with none of the love she felt for you. She decided that YOU were what she wanted and, apparently, she's proved that to you over and over again for over 20 years. You should really cherish her and appreciate the love and devotion she's showered on you....and I believe you do.


Thank you for this. Sometimes, it takes someone else saying what you already know before you fully realize it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CF:

as I recently posted in another of your threads, you need IC. the mental/psychological pressure on you is too hard to deal with without professional help. and it might be that your wife needs some pressure on her as well, pressure to work much harder to provide much better answers to some of your basic questions, such as "why." Perhaps both of you attending some MC could make that happen. but I think your #1 priority should be to find a very good  (easier said than done) IC and start working with them.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

thummper said:


> You're a lucky man in a lot of ways, CF. Yes, she did stray very early in your relationship and that's got to be very hurtful, but I think she realized that those times were totally empty with none of the love she felt for you. She decided that YOU were what she wanted and, apparently, she's proved that to you over and over again for over 20 years. You should really cherish her and appreciate the love and devotion she's showered on you....and I believe you do.


So... he is lucky he was stabbed and not shot?


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> CF:
> 
> as I recently posted in another of your threads, you need IC. the mental/psychological pressure on you is too hard to deal with without professional help. and it might be that your wife needs some pressure on her as well, pressure to work much harder to provide much better answers to some of your basic questions, such as "why." Perhaps both of you attending some MC could make that happen. but I think your #1 priority should be to find a very good  (easier said than done) IC and start working with them.


Shortly after dday we did MC weekly for a couple of months. A lot of progress was made and I learned some things about her I never knew. Things about how bad her mother was to her and all the sexually related incidents. I knew about and uncle who "tried" to molest her and a cousin who tried to rape her. I knew about all the infidelity in her family she was exposed to at an early age. I never really understood how it affected her and I don't think she did either. She got a lot out of those sessions and so did I. 

I never got a "why" because there is not a simple "why". She was very broken back then and let things happen that she shouldn't. She's accepted responsibility and shown genuine remorse.

As far as IC for me goes, I tried it in November of 2012 and didn't get much out of it. The problem is that at that time I want someone to tell me how to get over it and that's not really how it works so I quit. I've learned a lot since then and have a better idea now of what I might want IC for. So yeah I may go back.

In a nutshell, I have issues now that I didn't have before dday. I get too angry too quickly. Small arguments set me off disproportionate to the issue. I tend to get the "my way or the highway" attitude and bully my position rather than work things out. I know this is not healthy and would seek to remedy this in IC if I go back.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

CF,

I am a child of infidelity. My mother cheated and my father believed that my brother was not his biological son. After spending time on CWI threads, I realized that my father's irrational anger towards me was because he was triggering. I suspect my mother blamed me for her for A because I was a colicky baby and she was exhausted by my fussy crying. My father would spank me whenever I cried. The harder I cried, the harder the spanking. I learned not to cry around him even if I was bruised and injured. 

My father was always angry and would explode for no apparent reason.

I have no answers for you, but I wonder if the Buddhist prayer would help.

May all beings find happiness and causes for happiness.
May all beings be free of suffering and causes of suffering.
May all beings never be parted from freedom's true joy.
May all beings dwell in equanimity, free of attachment and aversion.

When you find yourself triggering, in pain, in anger, can you allow yourself to observe your feelings without judgment. Be free of attachment and aversion to those painful moments. Allow them to flow through you without resisting and avoidance. No rug-sweeping. Just give yourself permission to feel what you feel. The more you fight the truth of your feelings, the more it will hurt you. All these feelings of pain and betrayal are necessary for you to heal. They will lead you out of this dark tunnel. Eventually.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Csquare - That's truly horrible story. But thank you for sharing and giving you're insight. You are correct; it is important not to fight you self all the time.

I hope I didn't give the wrong impression by using the word bully. I'm not violent at all. By bullying I mean the "my way or the highway" attitude and refusing to listen to what others have to say. My son is a professional MMA fighter and I'm his favorite training partner (aka punching bag). So any need I might feel to "get physical" is taken care of at the gym


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> Has anyone else experienced this type of regression? What did you do to get past it? I spoke to my wife about it but didn't see a reason to drag her through it as well. However, talking about it seems to help and I'm hoping a dialog with the TAM community helps get me past this.


CF, betrayal changes everything even if you do R. 

Even if WS does everything right and is truly remorseful there is no going back to the way it was. For as long as we are with them we have to live with the fact that at some point an OM/OW attracted our WS enough to make he or she act on it, lie to us and go behind our backs to have an EA/PA.

What me and my WS had ended the day he decided to engage with OW. It will NEVER be the same again. Not only that, even if I left him I would never trust myself to trust someone else again which is very sad. 

I don't think you are regressing. It doesn't matter a damn whether it was yesterday or 20 years ago. You're dealing with the same thing. D-day changed your relationship forever and the wound is one of the deepest there is. 

Even now I get so sad at what has been lost. I try to feel the way I did before about WS but I just can't though I am sure he will never do it again. . . or am I. 

See? That's life after betrayal for you. 

Like me, you don't have the luxury of having a spouse who was able to be faithful. I envy those who have such a spouse.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thanks for that insight Moon. That's how I feel sometimes. I'm to the point now that most times I think about it I just go "meh". It was a long time ago, we have an ideal recent (pre-dday) history, she is great to me and we love each other deeply. 

I used to think there would be a time when I would stop thinking about it altogether. Now I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm dday plus twenty months and I've thought about it at least once every day. But now I don't think I need to forget it to be happy.

It's just that every once in a while the pain hits again and my mind goes bonkers. It was one such time that spawned this thread back in November. I haven't had any really bad triggers since.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> Thanks for that insight Moon. That's how I feel sometimes. I'm to the point now that most times I think about it I just go "meh". It was a long time ago, we have an ideal recent (pre-dday) history, she is great to me and we love each other deeply.
> 
> I used to think there would be a time when I would stop thinking about it altogether. Now I'm not sure that will ever happen. I'm dday plus twenty months and I've thought about it at least once every day. But now I don't think I need to forget it to be happy.
> 
> It's just that every once in a while the pain hits again and my mind goes bonkers. It was one such time that spawned this thread back in November. I haven't had any really bad triggers since.


CF, thanks for YOUR insight. 

My other half lied, cheated and established a relationship with OW while telling me how amazing I was and how much he loved me.

Ain't no getting away from that. . . ever!

I have after all settled for second best as any BS who stays does IMO. The regression as you described it is what settling for second best brings.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

RE: #100

I've also realized that I've had a change that could be for the better. I used to stress over things disproportionate to the issue. I let things bother me that shouldn't or spend too much time perfecting things that don't matter. I'm a software engineer by trade and the code I write is almost always 100% bug free. That might sound good but it's not normal or expected. 

Now, I find my self feeling apathetic more than stressed. People who know me always thought I could stand to chill out so maybe this isn't a completely bad thing. My challenge will be in not letting the pendulum swing too far.


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