# New here with a heavy heart



## katiebeth (Nov 30, 2014)

Hello all. I am new here, but not new to marital problems. My marriage is pretty good for the most part, almost 11 years together, 3 little boys, we aren't rich but we aren't struggling either. We have separated twice and gotten back together. We met at 20 and had out first child at 21, so we have had a wild ride. I am a SAHM but have a nursing degree and I volunteer at my kids schools. 

He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years and since I wasn't living near family or friends, I was very isolated. That's what caused me to leave twice, he needed a reality check and I decided that he could only treat me as bad as I let him. I think he has bipolar disorder or a personality disorder and anger issues. I think when he hurts inside, he lashes out to make others hurt just as bad and will do so through any means necessary. He is also a Leo, and if you know anything about astrology that will tell you a lot about his personality. I myself am a Sagittarius and have issues as well, but I am very even keeled until an injustice comes my way and I get passionate and will tell you the truth whether you like it or not. I am very easy going and love to laugh at life, he is the only person in my life who has ever called me a ***** so I try not to let it get to me, but it hurts to hear someone you love call you names to bring you pain.

We have come a long way but there have been some issues lately that I don't want to deal with again. He has been calling me names and making mean comments. Some examples are *****, stupid, lazy, useless, disrespectful, selfish and worthless, lately moneypit is a favorite. He thinks I waste money but I have three kid and a house to maintain lol. I will do something he perceives as disrespectful or annoying and he will start on me. Little things like moving his hat or shoes back to their proper places when tidying up the house. He gets upset if I have the DVR set and he has to wait a few minutes for me to cancel or jump recordings so he can watch football. He often tells me I have a bad attitude but I have learned that this is his catch all phrase when I say something he doesn't like or call him out on is bull****. Yesterday I took his truck to pick up a bed for out three year old and we got back really late and it was freezing, and I forgot to double check that we had gotten everything we brought in the truck out. His truck is a mess with dip cans, empty bottles, hunting and fishing equipment, papers, pens, clips, all kinds of stuff. You would think one Wendy's bag and a dirty foot print on the dash wouldn't make much difference right? It was a 4 hour road trip with 3 little boys, we left behind some things. Well he was so upset he fussed that I don't care about anything and have no respect. I just trash stuff and know that he will pay for it like he does everything else and I don't care. All I have to do is sit around the house and do nothing while he works his ass off to pay for everything. I know that I should have gotten it clean, but was it really worth making me feel like crap? I went out to clean it, and he fussed about it smelling like lysol wipes and that now when he went hunting in the morning he would smell like cleaner and not see any deer. I was also a thoughtless ***** bc I didn't consider how the smell of the cleaner would cause his allergies to act up. I know better than to vacuum or wear scented lotions or perfumes around him bc it upsets his allergies. In ten years of seeing him use lysol wipes I have never seen them make his nose runny. 

I could list more things, but the point is that I don't understand how he can be so mean if he loves me. Sometimes I get upset and tell him how I feel and call him out, other times its easier to let him holler and ride it out until he moves on. He has many little quirks and idiosyncrasies that I have learned to deal with. I am pretty go with the flow so I struggle to understand how he can get so spun out about something that isn't that important in the bigger picture. You can't berate a love one bc they do something you dislike or perceive as disrespectful. It's just not right and makes the issue worse. 

I learned in counseling long ago that we can do more to change ourselves than to change someone else, so I try to live by that everyday. I also know that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body bc it is capable of saying words that cut a person very deeply. In the same thread, actions speak louder than words, so should I just let the words fall off me and watch the way he takes care of us and hang onto that? 

Just FYI, I am not a fat slob or lazy, my kids get a bath every night, I make decent dinners, the house is lived in and a little dusty, but the sink is clean, most of my laundry is done, and nothing smells funny. I don't live in sweatpants, I am a size 8 and although I don't think I am the hottest thing, I turn plenty of heads when I wear my yoga pants to the gym or get dressed up for a night out. I am not a nagger and I don't fuss when my husband hunts all day as long as he tries to maintain a balance between his hobbies and family time when he is off. I have gotten alot better at voicing my opinions and being assertive when I have to be, but hearing all this hurtful things is really bringing me down. My birthday is next month and I will be 30. I threw two 30th birthday parties this year, my best friends in January and my husband's in August. I ordered cakes, big presents, planned parties, and paid thoughtful attention to little details bc I wanted them to feel special. I did this from my heart and not bc I expect a return, but it will still sting if my 30th birthday passes and my loved ones don't do anything special for me. I am used to getting shafted on my birthday bc its the holidays and I have learned to just laugh it off and be thankful I woke up another year. We all have burdens to carry but I am growing weary this weekend. I am beginning to feel like a child alone outside who presses their face to a window to see the action going on inside where everyone else is having a good time. I apologize for my jumbled and long story, I have ADD and jump from topic to topic alot. I really needed to get this off my chest and I thank anyone who reads this and send me up a prayer or spares me a thought. Thanks and I wish you all the best!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

record him. then make a montage of all the nasty things he says and sit him down and tell him it is not acceptable. 

after that, make a chart. make it visible. mark out thirty boxes, each representing a day. tell him that each time he makes a disrespectful comment, you will mark one more box, unless he apologizes for the thing he did wrong. things like calling you stupid. if he doesnt want you to move his hat, it is not disrespectful to tell you so. but it IS disrespectful to call you a lazy b!tch who doesnt care about his stuff...

anyway, put an x on todays box each time he makes those kinds of comments. erase it when he gives you a genuine apology, one where he does not put the blame back on you, but simply apologizes for the hurtful thing he said.
if the ex is still there at the end of the day, it stays there. if the box is empty at the end of the day, erase the x for the day prior. 

if you fill up all thirty boxes, tell him you are leaving and wont come back unless he starts counseling for the way he treats you. 

doing this will make him fear losing you, but will also give him away to keep you. the only way to keep you would be to own up to his bad behavior and apologize for it or stop doing it. either way, it gets him to focus on his own behavior and hopefully start modifying it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

katiebeth said:


> He was emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years.... I think he has bipolar disorder or a personality disorder and anger issues.


Welcome to the TAM forum, Katie. The abusive, angry behaviors you describe sound closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than those for bipolar disorder. I'm not saying your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may have moderate to strong traits of it -- putting him on the upper end of the BPD spectrum. 

I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the 3 boys are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD red flags so you know what to look for. 

An easy place to start reading is my description of the differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If the BPD traits sound more familiar -- as I suspect they will -- I suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description of BPD behaviors rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Katie.


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## katiebeth (Nov 30, 2014)

Uptown said:


> Welcome to the TAM forum, Katie. The abusive, angry behaviors you describe sound closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than those for bipolar disorder. I'm not saying your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may have moderate to strong traits of it -- putting him on the upper end of the BPD spectrum.
> 
> I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and the 3 boys are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD red flags so you know what to look for.
> 
> An easy place to start reading is my description of the differences I've seen between the behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If the BPD traits sound more familiar -- as I suspect they will -- I suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description of BPD behaviors rings any bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Katie.


Thanks for your reply, I read through the posts you linked and wow it's like I was listing attributes my husband has. That is him almost to a "t". He does have childhood issues that he confessed to when we separated the first time. Although is parents deny it, he claims his father was an abusive alcoholic for many years until he was able to straighten himself out. After he admitted this to me, his actions made more sense. He makes "all or nothing" statements almost every time he rages at me, and I am like it's impossible for me to "always mess up" or "never give a crap," how can you say these things and really believe them? 

I could go by the list one by one and relate it to my husband and our issues, but what really matters is how I can get him to realize he does have BPD. He refuses to see a counselor bc he says "I don't need an overpriced shrink to tell me I have issues bc they don't know what they are talking about, they always side with the woman anyways." I know this is crap and its his fear playing out there. I think he subconsciously knows he is messed up and a psychiatrist will see it a mile away and the he might have to deal with it. Honestly I think he could be professionally diagnosed and he would still wouldn't hear it. 

I am just so tired of having to live like this. We have three children and although some days I want to run away bc I feel like am losing myself, I have decided divorce isn't an option. I know there are men who would treat me better, but he is the father of my kids and we have been together for 11 years. I am going to have to continue to grow stronger and have confidence in myself in order to "beat" him at his own game. I would like to find a professional that I can visit with alone, and eventually he will have to look himself in the mirror and acknowledge he has issues. I just have to remember that when he calls me names or berates me, I am none of those things he says. I am a strong, caring, kind, thoughtful individual and I will not allow myself to be brought down by his behavior. I am going to have to find a way to tip the power scales in my direction. Who knows, maybe it is me with my head in the sand thinking we can make this better and I can feel truly appreciated and loved by my husband. I get so tired of being a metaphorical punching bag.


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