# UP TALK or CHEATING SPOUSES MOOD SWINGS



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

So how long do the mood swings last... As in.. R is taking place. But mostly his negative about everyting.. Like he has PMS... No for real not trying to be funny... Crabby lil man he has become.. Then mood swings back to loving caring spouse.. And the self help talk.. or should I say the self UP TALK.. U know, the talk about how good he is or what he has accomplished... which I am proud of him for all his hard work and accomplishments in life, but really why does it seem like a priorty for him to let me know.. Does he not think or feel I know this.. I can meet all his emotional needs, listen encourage congradulate support. But its like he has to tell me every day...... then just as quickly he can turn negative about anything, not me or our marriage just anything... then boom he loving caring conciderate.... its driving me crazy.. is it part of the fog, or withdrawl or what........ I am not sure.. anyone else ever been thru this??????????


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> is it part of the fog, or withdrawl or what........ I am not sure.


Yes. The withdrawl from the fog can be brutal. It causes massive chemical imbalances. In the grand scheme of things, mood swings are a minor or secondary symptom. It will pass, if Im not mistaken it takes a couple months for the dopamine receptors in the brain to calm down and to begin to come back into balance. 

and yeah, I went through various episodes of watching the withdrawl and studied it exhaustively.

How "deep" was he in the fog?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cheaters go through mood swings just like betrayed spouses do. I can totally see how it could be described as PMS. He's likely dealing with a completely shattered self image which is the source of the need to talk himself up and the subsequent depression. I would never try to equate the pain a betrayed spouse feels to that of a cheater but there is at least one significant difference. Once a cheater gets beyond blame shifting and denial they have only one place to direct whatever emotions and pain they have - inward. All of the pain, shame, guilt, disappointment, anger and hurt only lead one place - back to you - and if he's like me - he would have sworn he'd never be one to cheat in a million years. It can all be very difficult and painful to reconcile and it takes a while. Maybe that will help you understand where he is just a little. 

Having said that. It's incumbent upon him to realize that his needs and pain are subordinate to yours. He cheated - it's on him. So, wallowing in his own emotional pain is indulgent and counter productive. He earned his pain - he needs to man up, pay his prices, and focus on you and what you need to heal. His healing comes later.

I can't say that I never let my wife see me hurting, but I tried damn hard not to. Not that I tried to hide it from her - if she asked I'd tell her, but I didn't want to confuse her or give her any reason to doubt my commitment to her by making her wonder why I was really hurting. Hope that makes sense. 

Bottom line he needs to just accept that he's got some prices to pay and focus on you. Are you in marriage counseling or is he in IC - they may both help. I ultimately wound up here to get myself straightened out - it was my last stop before counseling.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I can't remember where I read it, but there was a general formula to how long the withdrawal period lasts. I THINK it's 1 week for every month of the affair or something like that. I could be wrong of course.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I can't remember where I read it, but there was a general formula to how long the withdrawal period lasts. I THINK it's 1 week for every month of the affair or something like that. I could be wrong of course.


My affair was 7.5 weeks - it took me about a year. Just sayin...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> My affair was 7.5 weeks - it took me about a year. Just sayin...


Yeah, I really don't understand where that formula came from. Maybe someone just made it up.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Who knows - cheaters get their heads up their ass at varying speeds and to varying depths. Extraction is just as unpredictable.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

How long was he in the fog?? I dont know exactly what all the details of the fod is to know how deep he was in it. I can say that I discovered the affair in June of 2010... but I started to get vibes about somthing being off a month or so before then due to inoppropriate text messages with a co worker thats when it hit the fan, we seperated but the seperation had only been a couple of days and we were talking the whole time, he would call me from work and talk to me about problems that was happinig at the time at his job.. Then one night I felt horriable about him dealing with so much at work and then the seperation on top of it all I decided to go to were he was staying and found him with her.. In a bed together but clothes on.. still I dont care if clothes were on the point that she was even there, and they were in there sleeping clothes at that point so its obvious she was going to spend the night with him.. anyways well once I got there he tried to keep me from seeing her and I didnt at first but well I tuned around and boom right there she was all cozy.. So it got pretty awefull.... its was a nightmare.. I left and she stayed.. He says he made her leave too. but I doubt that.. We tried to R a little later.. But he still kept seeing her, saying they were just freinds.. we split again.. then he came back it was the same pattern.. for a long time.. even to the point that there were hidden cell phones so he could keep in touch with her.. I caught them together more than once, twice, three times... and I caught him with the hidden cell phones more than once, twice, three times. so many times I lost track.. And yes alot of the convos that I got to read between them two were I love you, I love you to.. and alot of pet names and gooshy crap... his family meet her, actually his family helped him keep the affair going... she stayed at his parnet home with her.. so ya it got pretty seriouse... all the while him saying he loves me and me only and they were just freinds.. the arguments and fights between me and him go really bad.. I couldnt beleive a word out of his mouth.. And when I would catch him, with a hidden phone, or him communicating with her anything.. the angier he shot out at me was unbelievable.. it was severe to say the least.. then next thing I know his back to sweet talking me.. the longest thru this whole situation that he ever went without talking to or seeing me is 4 days thats it.. and that is because I refused to have anything to do with him.. and thats when I started to see the man I married... I dont really know why the sudden change from demon husband back to MY HUSBAND.. but it has been 6 months this time the longest ever that I know he hasnt had any contact with her.. as far as I can tell no contact between them two for the 6 months.. I say as far as I can tell.. well you know how it is.. I thout this before and always caught it.. but usally its was pretty quick, the longest they succefully hide it from me was 2 in a half monnths.. and i say they.. because she did the same.. she even contacted me wanting to be freinds with me because he loved me and they were just freinds and she didnt want to see him hurting so she thout it would be great for him if me and her became freinds...She actually told me that she hated seeing him hurting so much because he cares so much about me and is so in love with me she knew we would be together forever so she just wanted to put this behind us and her to get to know me and become freinds so he wouldnt have to loose me because he didnt want to loose me because all they were was freinds. Well no way that would happen.. Its like them to were crazy or somthing to contact his wife to become freinds.. no way... any way he went to extremes messures to keep there relationship secret. and he would be happy kindof when he was home with me, but thats because I would think it was all in the past but in reality they just got a little more cleaver on keeping it secret.. 

I did the exposure, but both familys knew so that really did no good. It was always the same JUST FREINDS.. but you dont jepordize your marriage or you family for a freind.. so to this day I still dont beleive that. 

I could go on and on about what happened how it all played out. the secrets the lies.. Even having the cops called on me.. ya that happened bc he wanted the hidden phone I found back.. yes the story is horrifing and a lot of details would shock you all to say the least but I just put in some of the basic or classic affair flags.. 

So how deep was he in the fog.. I dont know maybe this will help you to figure it out and tell me..

I am seeing some compasion from him NOW.. He says sorry when he knows he has hurt or said somthing to me that just rips my heart out.. thats an improvement because when the affair was going on it didnt bother him at all when he was mean or hateful or rude to me he didnt care if he did or said somthing that hurt me. But now, he actually apologies to me and he even is starting to come to me and hold me and tell me his sorry for what just happened and that he loves me and says he didnt mean it he doesnt know why he did this of that but he feels horriable for it... After one moment like this, and he came to me and held me and put his head on me telling me all this, when he raised his head up to my suprise I seen tears.. I was shocked.... but the thing is... his not said sorry about the affair.. his not coped up to it being more than freindship.. he admits it was wrong but they were only freinds no sex ever.. Which I dont beleive...thats a big hang up with me.. But at least when he does hurt me I am seeing some remorse for his action.. NOW.. but what about all the other hurtful stuff? weres that remorse??


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Yea, he is giving you trickle truth. His story is just so lame. WS's parents lets them stay at their house? Geez. Says all I need to know about how they feel about you. My WS's youngest brother is the only who has spoken to her after I made her call her three brothers and two sisters and explain what she did. They talk to me but have not talked to her since around Dec. 3rd. My WS's family is so upset about this and they are supporting me.

Your story is just so surreal. I really feel for you. 

Your husband was a demon and then nice because he was living two lives. One fantasy and other real. He was torn inside and when questioned or caught he did not want his fantasy world to die, it made him angry and angry at the one who was crashing his fantasy. You were taking his drug from him, hiding his alcohol. He needed his fix and you were standing between him and his fix. Thus the demon.

They had sex mulitple times and at his parents house, you can bet on that.

I am really sorry you are going through this.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Another question, you guys have helped me so much.. at first I was making all the wrong moves but thanks to all yalls support its like Im not drowning anymore.. Like I have a weeee bit control of my life...marriage.. But one thing that is bother me alot.. when i bring up the affair... wich I dont like to do it opens up flood gates of pain for me.. But I have so many questions regarding all of it.. well even thou it seems like were making some progress, is it a bad move on my part to want to know the about the affair. because when I do bring it up he gets pretty upset he says... Its like you are sticking a knife in me and twisting it over and over, it feels like I will never live this down. that you are always going to bring it up and throw it in my face, its like you want me to hurt and you just keep stabbing me over and over again. He then says dont bring her up, dont allow her in our home in our life.. I asked what he means by that, he says it like you bring her up your inviting her in our home in our life in our marriage.. I dont want her anywere near me, I want her as far away from me as she can get.. Dont allow her in our life.... its confusing for me because I want it all past us.. I am not intending to bring her into our "home" he did that all on his own.. But it feels like I am getting the short end of the stick here. I need answered or explainations remorse somthing.. Maybe I am going about this all wrong.. I dont Know..Its like I am exposing him to a virus that he just got over and he hates it that I am bring the virus back around him like his going to be infected or somthing... 

Am I wrong? or is there a way I can approach this so we can talk about it productivly.. Or do I just let it go and focus on or R... I dont understand how he can get so upset and say it feels like i am sticking a knife in his chest and stabbing it over and over again... Like I am intentionally trying to hurt him by bringing it up...He just says very additamly I Dont want her in our home, or life or marriage.. I dont want that Bit** anywere near me or my family.. ya he calls her Bit** now.. dont know why... what do you all think.... like I said this site has helped me so much.. I was making all the wrong moves.. but I listened to the advice and put it into place and the results were what I wanted from the beginning and I wasnt even aware I was hurting the situation more by my own stupid moves until I came to this site and really listened and really put the adivice into play.. So now I am here again. still looking for help.. I dont KNow what to do or even if I should or shouldnt do.. I dont even know how to reply when he acts or says this to me.... and why he refers to her as that Bit** now.. it beyond me?? I wish I knew but thats just another mystery...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That's rug sweeping plain and simple. 

If he's genuinely remorseful he'll take ownership of what he did and be willing to be held accountable. He'll understand that you need to talk about it. Like I said in my first post - he needs to man up and accept the prices he has to pay. This is one of them. Of course you need to talk about it. You need to hear him give you the details over and over so you can establish some confidence that the story isn't changing and that you have the truth. You need to hear him talk about it so you can begin to understand how it happened and start to believe that he understands how it happened and that it won't happen again. 

I can't believe he actually said he doesn't want you to bring it up because he doesn't want you bringing her into your home - UFB!!! She wouldn't be there if he hadn't cheated now would she???

He's got to give you transparency and that's more than just email accounts and passwords. It's transparency into him - into what he did, what he feels. It's - transparency - it's giving and sharing with you whatever you need to rebuild.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Yes, I can not and will not beleive the just freinds.. And he knows for sure that I dont beleive him.. I am completly open to him I dont hold it back. I will look him right in the eyes and tell him.. There is no way you did all the horriable hurtful stuff to me, all the lies, hidding.. and spending so much time with her and the calls text. more that you did with me that there wasnt sex involved. I know you had sex with her, there is no way you were so close to her without becoming intimate.. but yes his family as well as hers helped them with there affair.. His parnets now tell me they are so happy he is back with me, they try to tell me now that they knew he loved me he never stopped he always wanted to be with me.. they know that they were just freinds nothing more and that why they allowed them to be at there home together there was nothing wrong with him and her being just freinds, they try to tell me that he was misarable without me and he talked to them sometimes that he wanted to be home with me, he missed me he loves me but I wouldnt beleive him and that hurt him alot, they tell me now that they can see how much happier he is to be home and much better they see him being now that he has me back.. they have told me that he wasnt his self when we were apart and that all he would say to them is that he wanted to be with me but I wouldnt beleive him that they were just freinds... so he didnt know what to do.. But they let her stay at there home with her.. the mom told me here recently that she talked one time to the OW and asked her if there was more to the relationship and the Ow told her that no the were just really good freinds, the mom then asked her, well are you freinds with "wife" too.. Because its not right if your not. They are married and if there isnt anything between you two than why are you not freinds with the "wife" to. Most freinds are freinds with both spouses not just one... Ok that make alot of since concidering they knew she was spending nights with him in there home.. And this is surreal and I havnt even told the whole story, it would shock and appaul most of you to the point you would say,, why in the he** didnt you run.... I am just I dont know what I am anymore.. Its like now everyone is trying to conveince me that they were just freinds and he was so unhappy without me and he wanted to be with me and loved me..and they were so worried about him because he was so unhappy without me.. and the mother says how they are so glad to see us together and that all this was behind us now... she says I can see how you thout it was more to it than it was, I did to at first, but after seeing him talking to him and me knowing how hard it was on him and after talking to her I know they were just freinds and that it... see my point... Its like wth is all this about..... If you all want all the horriable story I will tell you all but let me warn you it was like there is no way that happened there is no way he/she did that there is no way it unfolded like that. I am telling you it will seem like a made up story but It was not. it was hell times 100........


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> That's rug sweeping plain and simple.
> 
> If he's genuinely remorseful he'll take ownership of what he did and be willing to be held accountable. He'll understand that you need to talk about it. Like I said in my first post - he needs to man up and accept the prices he has to pay. This is one of them. Of course you need to talk about it. You need to hear him give you the details over and over so you can establish some confidence that the story isn't changing and that you have the truth. You need to hear him talk about it so you can begin to understand how it happened and start to believe that he understands how it happened and that it won't happen again.
> 
> ...


I agree but I wanted to make sure I wasnt in the wrong Like I said I made all the wrong moves before I came to this site, and I need guidance advice so not to make the wrong moves again. I need a game plan were I can get the best results.. And to be honest at this point I am stating the best results for me.. either we make it thru this the right way so to strenthn our marriage or to close it out.. So how do I approach this so I can get him to talk about it to be open and honest, transparency to him.. HOW.. I dont want the reasction I get like your bring that Bit** into our home. I dont want to argue about it, I just want to talk it out.. maybe not all at once, althou that would be great but to just be able to start to talk about it all would be very helpful to ME.. So how do I approach it.. How do I start the convo.. I really need some guidence on this... Please and thank you...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair: 11 steps

Have your husband read this. Maybe it will help him understand what you are going through. My WS read it and it changed her approach and it really helped. She put these things into practise and when she did it made me think she meant it. At least showed she was making an effort.

She allows me to talk about the A at any time.

Your husband is rug sweeping and it is dangerous to allow him to do it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Most of us here in R understand why you did not run no matter how terrible it was. I think it may help you to share all of it with us but that is your call. Hel* we do not know you and I found this to be a safe outlet for me. I got beat up at times here but sometimes I needed it and other times I didn't need it and I just ignored some of the ignorant folks. I found that the majority of the folks here said things that I needed to hear. I was in denial at first and when confronted I said some stupid things to justify my behavior. But I got to where I am in good measure because of this site.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Maybe he would be willing if you tell him you want to talk about it for one hour on Saturday. Everything during that hour is open for discussion, everything. After the hour is up you move on to fun things. You decide on the time you need, maybe two hours but no more than that. If you need to do this every day or every other day you decide that as well. It sets limits on both of you.

Just a thought and one of many methods that may work for you.


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