# The lady with tire tracks on her from the karma bus



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I seldom visit the CWI forum, but I met an interesting lady who told me about her situation and I thought it might be applicable to share here.

I rarely travel for business but when I do I usually pick a random restaurant and eat alone at the bar. Primarily because sitting by myself at a table is depressing. While at the bar two older ladies chatted me up. When this happens I always find a way to bring up my family and share pictures to let people know where I stand. At this point one of them tells me she used to be married and began to tell me her story. 

Apparently she was happily married at one point with two kids in their late teens. She was very successful in her field which was software sales. She said she became friendly with one of her male colleagues. Nothing too inappropriate but acknowledged they spent more time together than they should have. One day after a meeting they hugged and he went in quickly and kissed her on the lips. 

She said she hadn't thought of him that way before but that the kiss confused and excited her. She didn't talk to her husband about it that night. Instead she went back to work the next day and talked to the guy that kissed her. He confessed to having feelings for her, she said she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

That night she had a conversation with her husband. She told him about the kiss. Her husband was irate that she talked to the OM about it first. She then told her husband that she wasn't sure if she had feelings for the OM or not but needed time to sort things out. She said she had no idea why she told her husband that.

Well, unlike the posts on TAM she never got that chance to sort things out with the OM. Her husband started packing his things after their conversation was over. Within a week he told her he wanted a divorce. His rationale was that if she was that easily confused by a kiss she didn't love him. He also had no intention on waiting around for her to sort out her feelings for the OM. 

She showed me a pic of the OM and her ex-husband. The OM was nowhere near as good looking as her husband. I don't know the timeline but her ex-husband is now remarried. She referred to her ex-husband as the love of her life.

She did eventually take things physical with the OM. She indicated that they are still intimate but she talked about him really badly and even acknowledged that he wasn't an attractive man. So basically she wrecked her whole life to become the FWB of the OM. 

Honestly, part of me felt really bad for her, but at the same time I thought her ex-husband was my hero for how he handled it. No waffling on his part at all. When she told him she needed time to "think about things" he was DONE.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Her husband sounds like a man. A real man. I would have beeb all blubbery before I got on TAM. I hope if this kind of thing happens to me I will have the strength to do this the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

michzz said:


> I have the feeling that she was hitting on you with some pathetic I need sympathy approach.


That is just what I was thinking.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


She should have slapped the fvck out of the OM for kissing her, told her husband what the dooshbag did, then filed a sexual harrassment claim against the OM.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

I just read this and thought of it in black & white...for some reason. .....However da whiskey makes the phone pics of family disappear. Kind of like Back to the Future, Marty's family pic... Yeah, the huntress is always hunting.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

LostViking said:


> She should have slapped the fvck out of the OM for kissing her, told her husband what the dooshbag did, then filed a sexual harrassment claim against the OM.


The very first thing I would have done would be to tell my husband and ask him how WE as a team should address it. So probably the same thing she did. I'm still confounded. I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with "see ya beeyotch." 

The gleeful celebrating in the misery of others has never felt GOOD to me. So this sort of second, third hand retelling always baffles me. And Lord knows I'm slow.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Honestly that's why I was torn and did feel kind of sorry for her. I don't know her husbands side, but I got the impression that the mere notion that she needed time to think about things after two decades of marriage was just really offensive to him. Perhaps if she had thrown the OM under the bus and distanced herself more it would have been different? 

I don't really know. All I do know is that he made up his mind, and quickly too. So she really didn't have a chance to do anything else. I also got the feeling I was getting the PG version because she was sitting next to her friend.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

It was probably more than a kiss.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I wonder of the h had his eye on someone else already.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LostViking said:


> She should have slapped the fvck out of the OM for kissing her, told her husband what the dooshbag did, then filed a sexual harrassment claim against the OM.


Thats the one thing that irks me: The sexual harassment thing. They harp on that in training in almost every place I've been, yet it goes on almost every where it seems. 

I think that the woman lied about the extent of the affair. The cheater will always try to minimize and trickle truth what they did to paint themselves in a better light. I don't think the XH divorced her because of a kiss. I think there was much, much more to the story than what she told. There always is. Of course she would say that they eventually took things physical after the XH divorced her.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I am honestly sick to death of people stopping the train simply because they "have feelings".

Since when did that become a reason to put your life on an about face?

Heck I get "feelings" every time I see Uma Thurman on a big screen, you don't see me divorcing my wife and tossing my family into the street over it.

I accept them for what they are and go on with my day...

All these whiners thinking they have to turn their life upside down because they have "feelings" need to grow the heck up.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Why the hell did HE move out...he is NOT my hero...she is the confused one, he should have packed her bags and sent her to the om...buh bye beeyotch!!!!

Im not sure if I have any sympathy for her...her hubby was right, if she is THAT easily confused by one stupid ass kiss, then she doesnt really love him...

And she did eventually take it further with the om, so there was something to the kiss...had she realized the kiss meant nothing to her but it was too late, the hubby is gone, and she never acted on the kiss or taken it further with the om, THEN I would feel genuine sympathy for her...THEN i would say she should have waited a few days to procees it and tell him...also tell the boss at work...the OM kissed her, she didnt kiss him...that cant happen at work

if anything she realized her marriage was over and went to the om because she had no choice...emotionally or whatever she needed someone...


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> The very first thing I would have done would be to tell my husband and ask him how WE as a team should address it. So probably the same thing she did. I'm still confounded. I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with "see ya beeyotch."
> 
> The gleeful celebrating in the misery of others has never felt GOOD to me. So this sort of second, third hand retelling always baffles me. And Lord knows I'm slow.


Do we have any idea about the feelings and what goes thru the head when a man or a woman says "Someone kissed me and I'm confused about it, I need to sort it out" to their spouses? Do you?

Sort what, exactly? Need time for what? Need space for what?

And working as a team against an "attack" which was completely preventable with a simple "no"? Why is a spouse's lack of boundaries being also the fault of the other spouse? So they become a team NOW?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LostViking said:


> It was probably more than a kiss.


:iagree:

It was probably much, much more than that. Its natural for people for people to paint themselves in a better light. She isn't going to go out and say that her husband divorced her because she was banging her coworker. 

It was just a kiss, yeah right. 

How many times have we read that here?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Thats the one thing that irks me: The sexual harassment thing. They harp on that in training in almost every place I've been, yet it goes on almost every where it seems.
> 
> I think that the woman lied about the extent of the affair. The cheater will always try to minimize and trickle truth what they did to paint themselves in a better light. I don't think the XH divorced her because of a kiss. I think there was much, much more to the story than what she told. There always is. Of course she would say that they eventually took things physical after the XH divorced her.


:iagree:

The cheaters usually don't approach other men in a bar, tell a sob story, and then let them know they had a torrid affair to cause it all.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> *I am honestly sick to death of people stopping the train simply because they "have feelings".*
> Since when did that become a reason to put your life on an about face?
> 
> *Heck I get "feelings" every time I see Uma Thurman on a big screen*, you don't see me divorcing my wife and tossing my family into the street over it.
> ...


BING BING BING...can someone please give Allan A a ***ken prize...he hit the nail right on the head!!! 

In all my years as a husband, there have been a few times where I felt a tad more than friendship for someone NOT my wife...it was always fleeting and I never acted on it...its human nature...maybe some people just miss that "new love" feeling...


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I like the way he handled it, though seems unreasonably black and white. I do love the karma bus though.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Yay here comes the pages of assumptions and hypotheticals. Almost as much fun as a theoretical physics class! 

Anyway, taking it at face value, I'd probably do the same thing. Since my own EA (no physical contact though we knew each other in person) I've come to hold myself to a really high standard as far as my honesty with my husband. Whether or not he lies to me, I don't ever want to lie to him.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Great story.

Once she sought the guy out after the kiss, I felt no sympathy. 
That was a decision she'll have to live with.
Confused? Gimme a break


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Thats the one thing that irks me: The sexual harassment thing. They harp on that in training in almost every place I've been, yet it goes on almost every where it seems.
> 
> I think that the woman lied about the extent of the affair. The cheater will always try to minimize and trickle truth what they did to paint themselves in a better light. I don't think the XH divorced her because of a kiss. I think there was much, much more to the story than what she told. There always is. Of course she would say that they eventually took things physical after the XH divorced her.


I was just being tongue in cheek about the SH thing. I agree with you. 

She definitely lied about the affair. She didn't wan't OP and the woman at the bar with her to know what an easy lay she is.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> All these whiners thinking they have to turn their life upside down because they have "feelings" need to grow the heck up.


Exactly... It's just a bunch of BS. More excuses to justify their selfish behavior. They get excited at the prospect of sleeping with another person but oh "they're not slvts" because they "had feelings" and "it wasn't like that"....

"Feelings" = Is cheater code for I got horny for another person and lost interest in you.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


It's not the kiss. It's that she sought the OM's company even after she 'felt confused'

Actions speak louder than words. 

I get the impression, that you are afraid this could happen to you. As long as you don't pursue the mistake before discussing it, I reckon your partner will value you for your honesty.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I want to know when "feelings" suddenly got all the lavish attention of a religious experience?

So what... feelings happen... what's the big freaking deal that people insist on turning their life around over them?

Throw years of your hard work away because you suddenly feel something?

Why not stick your hand in a blender... there's feelings for you!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

michzz said:


> I have the feeling that she was hitting on you with some pathetic I need sympathy approach.


Honestly this did not occur to me at all. But now that you mention it it was an awful lot to dump on stranger. I left out the part where she gave me her business card to give me a demo of her product. I thought it was because we were both in IT. No I have not contacted her.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Reformed Hubby, nice one, just like I would be in the situation. Totally would have missed the significance of the sob story and the 'product demo'. Half an hour later I'd be wondering why she's changed the topic from the demo to how after having had kids, she needs massive bellends to get a buzz, and her husband doesn't have one.

But I guess that's coz we're not as underhanded.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Who knows if the woman's story is true.

Anyway I'm sure lots of guys, when they found out their wife cheated, or has feelings for another guy, are strong, secure, capable and confident enough to end things immediately, and walk away and never look back.

I admire and respect that approach.

I'm not so sure about guys who find out their wife is cheating and do anything it takes to "break her from the fog" and try to win her back from the OM. 

But hey, whatever works for you I guess.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Honestly this did not occur to me at all. But now that you mention it it was an awful lot to dump on stranger. I left out the part where she gave me her business card to give me a demo of her product. I thought it was because we were both in IT. No I have not contacted her.


Bet you could have got her drunk and bedded her that night. Good for you having too much integrity to notice. :rofl:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm sure lots of guys when they find out the wife is cheating, think "thank god, I get out of jail free now.. I haven't even liked that b-word in a long time..." I'm not so sure it's always a matter of confidence or security... It can be a matter of the relationship was never good to begin with.

I can admire and respect both approaches.

I would have spit out my drink when she got to the part where she fell into the kiss... ooops... his fault. I'd have asked if she pushed him away and then slapped him, told him she's not that type of girl... or is she that type of girl? Then tell her how I love a good story...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Bet you could have got her drunk and bedded her that night. Good for you having too much integrity to notice. :rofl:


She was already there.. she gave him her card, and wanted to do a demo.. probably turn his floppy drive into a hard drive and give him a ram expansion..


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

russell28 said:


> She was already there.. she gave him her card, and wanted to do a demo.. probably turn his floppy drive into a hard drive and give him a ram expansion..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She told her husband, in effect, that she had to figure out whether she wanted him or the other man. That plain. He told her, that if he wasn't any more important to her than that, she could kiss his ass. Bravo


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

right or wrong its not up to me to understand nor jodge, but ther is one thing that I absolutly agree: THAT HE MADE THE DECISION AND STUD UP WITH IT.... no crying or begging or trying the impossible!


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Husband sounds like the guy I'm planning to be. Pretty young and only in my early 20s, and I plan on dealing with relationships like this. I've read enough TAM stories to come to the conclusion I don't even want to waste time, if I'm getting the vibe something is off and I've brought my share to the relationship, I'm going cold.

No second chance, no talking it out, nope I want to cut it off then and there. Sounds cold, but I'd rather be cold and know I had the last word on ending the relationship, just don't want to be that guy who got played and emotionally laughed in the face when it comes to light.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> The very first thing I would have done would be to tell my husband and ask him how WE as a team should address it. So probably the same thing she did. I'm still confounded. I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with "see ya beeyotch."
> 
> The gleeful celebrating in the misery of others has never felt GOOD to me. So this sort of second, third hand retelling always baffles me. And Lord knows I'm slow.



It seems a bit harsh sure. But there might be more to it. There usually is. H probably had his fill of lack of boundaries and that might have been the straw. You just never know. Interesting that she had photos of both to show and share...

But, if that happened to me there wouldn't be a need for me to run to my H to figure out how to handle it. You are a grown up you just handle it. One good slap would have been appropriate so would a knee in the groin. Then you go tell H and tell him. Different outcome. Some guy grabs me he better know I carry a 38 and a stun gun. I keep a can of bear spray in my car too


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> It seems a bit harsh sure. But there might be more to it. There usually is. H probably had his fill of lack of boundaries and that might have been the straw. You just never know. Interesting that she had photos of both to show and share...
> 
> But, if that happened to me there wouldn't be a need for name to run to my H to figure out how to handle it. You are a grown up you just handle it. One good slap would have been appropriate so would a knee in the groin. Then you go tell H and tell him. Different outcome. Some guy grabs me he better know I carry a 38 and a stun gun. I keep a can of bear spray in my car too


Yup I'm a grown woman. I'm about my dollars. I won't jeopardize my job without discussing it with my husband.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I have a feeling HE was already on his way out.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ReformedHubby said:


> Honestly that's why I was torn *and did feel kind of sorry for her*. I don't know her husbands side, but I got the impression that the mere notion that she needed time to think about things after two decades of marriage was just really offensive to him. Perhaps if she had thrown the OM under the bus and distanced herself more it would have been different?
> 
> I don't really know. All I do know is that he made up his mind, and quickly too. So she really didn't have a chance to do anything else. I also got the feeling I was getting the PG version because she was sitting next to her friend.


And the sympathy ploy worked, didn't it? Naturally she would paint herself in a better light.

But if you stop and think about it, it just doesn't make sense. Divorce causes emotional and financial devastation for most people. The emotional trauma of divorce ranks right up there with the death of a family member. 

Who goes straight to divorce over that except rich celebrities/actors for whom marriage is just a temporary thing?

In my line of work, people lie to me on a daily basis, so I have to sort out the lies from the facts, and the first clue is when the story makes little sense. Thats when you discover there is more to the story than what they're telling you.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> It seems a bit harsh sure. But there might be more to it. There usually is. H probably had his fill of lack of boundaries and that might have been the straw. You just never know. Interesting that she had photos of both to show and share...
> 
> But, if that happened to me there wouldn't be a need for me to run to my H to figure out how to handle it. You are a grown up you just handle it. One good slap would have been appropriate so would a knee in the groin. Then you go tell H and tell him. Different outcome. Some guy grabs me he better know I carry a 38 and a stun gun. I keep a can of bear spray in my car too


You carry a piece??? Damn homeslice that's legit 

side note- I like the hubby's response. He found out that his wife screwed another dude (just a kiss... lulz, Yeah right, she totally got banged out by OM) and just packed his sh!t and divorced. Pretty cut and dry.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> I wonder of the h had his eye on someone else already.


This is what I think based on the information provided. I definitely feel sorry for her.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Singledude21 said:


> Husband sounds like the guy I'm planning to be. Pretty young and only in my early 20s, and I plan on dealing with relationships like this. I've read enough TAM stories to come to the conclusion I don't even want to waste time, if I'm getting the vibe something is off and I've brought my share to the relationship, I'm going cold.
> 
> No second chance, no talking it out, nope I want to cut it off then and there. Sounds cold, but I'd rather be cold and know I had the last word on ending the relationship, just don't want to be that guy who got played and emotionally laughed in the face when it comes to light.


I pray you're not like me, together 32 years, married 20+ years before the vibe is off.. and then you have 3 kids, one still in school, shared finances.. Once it comes to light, you can face it two ways.. take charge, or become a doormat. I would imagine it's easier to walk, the less you have invested..


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I have a feeling HE was already on his way out.


Yes indeed. :iagree:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I have a feeling HE was already on his way out.


If it's even a real story and not just a thing she uses to pick up guys, and later steal the wallet.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> The very first thing I would have done would be to tell my husband and ask him how WE as a team should address it.


That's not what she did, though. She spoke to the OM first. She showed where her loyalty lay.



> So probably the same thing she did. I'm still confounded. I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with *"see ya beeyotch." *


The appropriate response.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

russell28 said:


> I'm sure lots of guys when they find out the wife is cheating, think "thank god, I get out of jail free now.. I haven't even liked that b-word in a long time..." I'm not so sure it's always a matter of confidence or security... It can be a matter of the relationship was never good to begin with.


That would probably be me. I've never caught my W cheating, but if I did, I'd probably laugh in her face and start calling lawyers. Nothing worth saving here.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I have a feeling HE was already on his way out.


I think so. Probably due to some previous bad behavior on her part that she conveniently forgot to mention.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I met a married woman with karma tracks all over her back about a year ago. Although she had only met me the prev day at an event, she felt the urge to start talking about s** with me. She then shared her karma story. She was a real estate agent years ago, and she had a PA with a married client. They got caught by both spouses, and the OMW karma'd her real well - work your azz off to sell my house, and then hand over your commission, or I'll expose the PA to everyone. The cheater feared that she would lose her job, plus her H has a job in which her PA's exposure would wreck his career. 

So...she worked her azz off to sell their house, and then handed her cash to the OMW. She was still married to her H, who had not touched her in many years. She was asking me why.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I seldom visit the CWI forum, but I met an interesting lady who told me about her situation and I thought it might be applicable to share here.
> 
> I rarely travel for business but when I do I usually pick a random restaurant and eat alone at the bar. Primarily because sitting by myself at a table is depressing. While at the bar two older ladies chatted me up. When this happens I always find a way to bring up my family and share pictures to let people know where I stand. At this point one of them tells me she used to be married and began to tell me her story.
> 
> ...


Unless he was blind drunk, most people wouldn't take that kind of chance if certain "signals" weren't sent out. The fear of rejection for most people is too great to chance it. 

Even my WH said that. I asked if he ever even stopped to think about what would happen if they filed sexual harassment claims against him, and he said the reason he picked the women he did was because he could tell, by their words and actions, that they were a "sure thing". That these were the type of women who reveled in the attention. The type to wear cleavage revealing tops and then whine about how all the guys were "staring". 

Anyway, this story is an incomplete puzzle. The rather brutal reaction of the H, the "we just kissed" (which is universal code for "we did more than kiss" lol)... something's missing.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?, really I had to reread your post like 3 times making sure I was not missunderstanding your words.

true, the kiss from OM was not in her control, but the reaction after that was the problem, the reaction should have been her pushing him a telling him he knows she was married, *this is the reaction I will expect from any person married in this situation whatever the gender.*

see that I am making the situation here genderless, she never thought of him like that before the kiss, she was not emotinal close to him, they weren't even friends, and a kiss was enough to confuse her about her marital vows?, obvioulsy whatever is man or woman the spouse will feel indignation in this kind of situation where a simply kiss make the partner hasitate about his/her feelings.

Now "asking time to sort out the feelings" is what you say to a GF/BF when you are interested in someone else and are considering leaving him/her for the other person, of course this will make any spouse angry and hurt, and the reationalization of the husband was damn right, if a kiss from someone who you have so little conecction make you doubt, then what had happened if the agressor was a exboyfriend or a close male friend?. 

yes she did the right thing by telling the husband, but I also have the same reationalization as him (why she did not run to tell the husband instead of going to the OM).

really I don't want to use use the terminology *"double stadart"* but even here in TAM I have read a lot of threads from female users and I feel that they have the idea that as the woman is the one who is normally persued in the affairs, they are entitled to some reactions that if done by a man in the same situation will be unforgivable.

but lets be honests here, that is the dynamic of western relationships, man normally persue the woman, so is also responsability of the women to define the boundaries with men who show ineterest in them without caring for their marital status.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. *Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't.* So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


She did, though, by telling her husband of some 20 years out of the blue that she needed time to think about how she felt about OM. TBH, I can relate to the husband's response.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I have a feeling HE was already on his way out.


I was thinking this was a possibility too. Think about it, his kids were nearly grown, and from what she told me he was a high level telecom exec. So for him the money probably wasn't an issue.

I guess I found it odd that her husband was able to just detach so abruptly. I did ask her why she didn't fight for him. According to her it was a combo of pride and fear of rejection, however she did acknowledge that her and the OM were friends during this time as well. Her girlfriend was shaking her head in disbelief the entire time she was telling the story. As if to say stop talking already.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

As far as I know all of my ex's"friends" had two things in common. One was they never seemed to be employed and the other definitely didn't have anything to do with being "good looking".


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

ok she kissed the other guy then told her husband she needs time to see if she has feelings for another man and people on here are wondering why he left her??? really?!?! 

what world do we live in where she told her husband he was plan b and she needed to see if plan a worked out and people here defend her! well people who would do the same as her or have done the same as her. (cake eaters)


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I was thinking this was a possibility too. Think about it, his kids were nearly grown, and from what she told me he was a high level telecom exec. So for him the money probably wasn't an issue.
> 
> I guess I found it odd that her husband was able to just detach so abruptly. I did ask her why she didn't fight for him. According to her it was a combo of pride and fear of rejection, however she did acknowledge that her and the OM were friends during this time as well. Her girlfriend was shaking her head in disbelief the entire time she was telling the story. As if to say stop talking already.


If he was a high level exec. He probably had options coming due and bolted beforehand.

Having a consult with a good divorce attorney that works with a forensic accountant was an eye opener. Married long enough and your pension and retirement are not "yours"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She told her husband, in effect, that she had to figure out whether she wanted him or the other man. That plain. He told her, that if he wasn't any more important to her than that, she could kiss his ass. Bravo"

Chap is right. 

To hear this out of your spouse's mouth after TWO DECADES of life together is all it would take for some people, and IMO they are totally right.

Can't believe the number of people who are speculating on some nefarious or sinister motive for her BH to just 'leave' her like that, like he's some cold-hearted b*****d or was already eying someone else himself.

If I had spent 20 years of my life dedicated to building a life together with my W and then heard this s**t out of her mouth (even assuming it was just a kiss and 'confusion), I would hope I had the self-respect of this man to just dump such a faithless woman immediately.

She definitely scores a ZERO on the the loyalty scale, even if she divulged the whole truth.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Do we have any idea about the feelings and what goes thru the head when a man or a woman says "Someone kissed me and I'm confused about it, I need to sort it out" to their spouses? Do you?
> 
> Sort what, exactly? Need time for what? Need space for what?
> 
> And working as a team against an "attack" which was completely preventable with a simple "no"? Why is a spouse's lack of boundaries being also the fault of the other spouse? So they become a team NOW?


My wife needed time and space when she was "confused." Looking back, I can see I was an idiot, but I was an idiot with 4 young girls who needed a mom and a dad. I was completely naive to this whole infidelity and emotional affair thing. Good for the guy in the story. Annie, of all posters should get why this is a major, major problem, but I think she doesn't. Yeah, some random do*che paid me some attention and I liked it enough that it might be worth blowing up my family for some more. Awesome.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Well, unlike the posts on TAM she never got that chance to sort things out with the OM. Her husband started packing his things after their conversation was over. Within a week he told her he wanted a divorce. His rationale was that if she was that easily confused by a kiss she didn't love him. He also had no intention on waiting around for her to sort out her feelings for the OM.


It's so refreshing to hear about a man that knows how to handle a situation like this in no uncertain terms. It's a shame that these guys don't come here often to tell their stories. But let's face it ..... guys like this guy don't need TAM. They got it all under control.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Annie, here is the difference:



ReformedHubby said:


> She then told her husband that she wasn't sure if she had feelings for the OM or not but needed time to sort things out. She said she had no idea why she told her husband that.


I'll put myself in his shoes: The woman who vowed to be faithful to me for the rest of her life just tells me that she needs time to sort out her feelings for another man and I am not her "one and only" any more, but just another choice she is going to make. Speaking for my self, the only time I should be "a choice" for my wife is when I asked her to marry me; then she can think about it all she wants. But when she says "I Do", she can't ask for a "do over" or "take a break" every time she meets someone who tickles her panties. Sorry, but no man with self respect is going to take that.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

"You need time to decide if you have feelings for him? Absolutely, take all the time you need. Please give me some time too to make a very important decision as well. Should we use blue or black ink on those divorce papers?"


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The wife was confused so her husband clarified things for her. Well done!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> If he was a high level exec. He probably had options coming due and bolted beforehand.
> 
> Having a consult with a good divorce attorney that works with a forensic accountant was an eye opener. Married long enough and your pension and retirement are not "yours"


kristin, I'm not picking on you but more so the constant posts I see on TAM about the lack of morals in execs both male and female. According to TAM all male execs have harems with binders of women, and all female execs will cheat on their less successful husbands.

I'm an exec, I don't have a harem. Regarding options. Everybody has options. Even the dishwasher at your local diner has options. Sorry for the rant....


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Everybody has options. Even the dishwasher at your local diner has options.


Wash, rinse, repeat. This is the most stupid thing about affairs. People who are in them think they are special.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


What jumps out at me is that the wife either had no empathy, no empathy or understanding about men or her husband in particular.

What did she expect his reaction would be? Seems to me she should have thought him saying to hell with you would be one possibility. The marriage was probably teetering though, as it was.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> The marriage was probably teetering though, as it was.


That's my guess, assuming she told something pretty close to the truth, maybe becasue that's the boat I'm in.

Without going into details, my marriage has alot of problems, but at the moment I've decided that it's better to stay than to go. Something like this, where she needs to consider her feelings about another man? Screw that. That would be easily sufficient to push me firmly into the "go" camp without a second thought. Without those issues, and without reading TAM for a long time, I'd probably be a blubbering mess.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Who knows if the woman's story is true.
> 
> Anyway I'm sure lots of guys, when they found out their wife cheated, or has feelings for another guy, are strong, secure, capable and confident enough to end things immediately, and walk away and never look back.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Seems to be the hallmark of self respect. She was unsure of her feelings, he was not unsure of his. Then again though my guess is that was his last straw.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

GTdad said:


> That's my guess, assuming she told something pretty close to the truth, maybe becasue that's the boat I'm in.
> 
> Without going into details, my marriage has alot of problems, but at the moment I've decided that it's better to stay than to go. Something like this, where she needs to consider her feelings about another man? Screw that. That would be easily sufficient to push me firmly into the "go" camp without a second thought. Without those issues, and without reading TAM for a long time, I'd probably be a blubbering mess.


My wife tells me she hates me. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Daily. I think maybe that is just her anger speaking, but know that maybe it is not. Not good, either way. The guy in this story, his kids were pretty much grown. Good for him!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> My wife tells me she hates me. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Daily. I think maybe that is just her anger speaking, but know that maybe it is not. Not good, either way. The guy in this story, his kids were pretty much grown. Good for him!


Tough to say which is worse, hate or indifference. Seems to me that being told that I'm hated would wear thin pretty damn quick, so maybe I'd opt for the indifference I currently get.

We all have to make our own choices, but I hope there's a pretty good "pro" column for you sticking it out.

And yep, he handled it exactly right.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Indifference, to be sure. Which is much of why she hates me of late. I am playing the long game.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Sounds like the husband was not all that much committed to the marriage.

"What's that? You almost nearly kinda sorta thought about possibly maybe cheating, perhaps? Oh, I is soooo heart-broken! Buhhhh-byeeee, I'm outa here!"

He moved on quickly and got married again? *Oh, sure he did*. 

He moved on reaaal quickly! :FIREdevil:

In fact, so quickly that it reminds me of the Isaac Asimov story in which he spoofed scientific research papers with a story of a substance so volatile that it dissolved *before* it hit the water. 

So we have the Thiotimoline effect in divorce?

He was looking for a way out so the official ending was caused by his wife being honest, not the fact that he was knocking off a little bit of strange, but for real.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

> She didn't talk to her husband about it that night. Instead she went back to work the next day and talked to the guy that kissed her. He confessed to having feelings for her, she said she wasn't sure how she felt about him.
> 
> That night she had a conversation with her husband. She told him about the kiss. *Her husband was irate that she talked to the OM about it first. *


How are so many of you missing this?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Middleman, thanks for the explanation! Good food for thought.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

azteca1986 said:


> How are so many of you missing this?


I read it. Didn't see it as anything especially significant.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

*Fraud !*


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sounds like the husband was not all that much committed to the marriage.
> 
> "What's that? You almost nearly kinda sorta thought about possibly maybe cheating, perhaps? Oh, I is soooo heart-broken! Buhhhh-byeeee, I'm outa here!"
> 
> ...


Maybe, Matt, but not necessarily. We don't know the timeline (OP wasn't told). To me the H's reaction is not a stretch even if he wasn't doing or thinking anything outside the marriage. Simply put, a spouse of many years does not suddenly question his/her commitment to the marriage based on a random association without provoking a drastic reaction.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There's no such thing as Karma....and why the hell would she drive a bus!

There just is...and isn't. Things we do...or don't. 

Noodles.....don't noodles.

"if there are millions of families and children born into destitution and poverty each year because of, what....Karma? then it's our Karma to feed them."

"how could such a loving and caring god exact punishment on our souls in the name of Karma?"


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## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

This reminds me of one of my mom’s old friends. She was married to her XH for almost 20 years they had 3 kids and a good life together. Both her and her XH were well liked by everyone they seemed to have a perfect marriage. She was a SAHM when her youngest finished school she decided to go back to work. Her XH was able to get her a very nice job. She worked there for a little over a year then all of a sudden she quit and went back to being a SAHM. No one at the time knew why she quit and whenever anyone asked her she just said it wasn’t for her. Well after few months it came out she had an affair with a coworker. Other man wife sent pictures and emails to all of her close friends and family. Even her kids saw the pictures and read them emails. Her husband found out the same way and filed for divorce. She tried to change his mind but he wasn’t having it. 

It’s been almost 5 years since the affair happen and she still dealing with the fallout. She tried to do everything to win her husband back but the divorce was finalized and that was the last time she says she saw him but she still reaches out to him. Her 3 children who are all in in their 20’s now don’t speak to or visit her. They act if she doesn’t even exist. Most of her family has done the same. Her affair destroyed her life completely she lost it all. If that not bad enough she still believes her husband will come back one day. At the time I thought she was stupid but after being married for a few years and having a child of my own. I have gained some respect for her. Even though everything that has happened to her is her fault you can’t help but feel sorry for her and she has tried to repair the damage she caused. It really is a sad story. No one ever wins in situations like this it just leads to pain and heartbreak.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

kenmoore14217 said:


> *Fraud !*


I'm not making this up man. I only posted it because I was in the other thread about betas in CWI. I don't come to this part of TAM usually. One poster in the thread mentioned how an alpha would handle infidelity and I immediately thought of this woman. Her story really stuck with me for some reason.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

HeartInPieces said:


> It’s been almost 5 years since the affair happen and she still dealing with the fallout. She tried to do everything to win her husband back but the divorce was finalized and that was the last time she says she saw him but she still reaches out to him. Her 3 children who are all in in their 20’s now don’t speak to or visit her. They act if she doesn’t even exist. Most of her family has done the same. Her affair destroyed her life completely she lost it all. If that not bad enough she still believes her husband will come back one day. At the time I thought she was stupid but after being married for a few years and having a child of my own. I have gained some respect for her. *Even though everything that has happened to her is her fault you can’t help but feel sorry for her and she has tried to repair the damage she caused. It really is a sad story.* No one ever wins in situations like this it just leads to pain and heartbreak.


Yes they are sad specially when you see that these women will now be happy with the crumbs of what they had.

There is a thread in Love shack about a woman who also had an almost 20 year marriage, she had an affair that if I remember correctly was just once physical but they exchanged a lot of sexting by mail, after the physical encounter she cut communications with Om she realized her mistake and was gratefull to still had her family.

Well OMW found out, confronted her and tried to contact her husband in several ocassions, she intercepted the mails and calls, so finally OMW send the sexting mails to her 3 kids (1 girl, 2 boys between late teens and early 20's), the boys read all the mails and shared them with their dad and he divorced her.

It has been 4 years and the 2 boys don't talk to her at all, she wants any kind of relationship with them, she even read Missthelove thread (about her mother) and is afraid that the same could happen to her.

after 4 years she has heal a Little her relationship with her daughter and she have intimacy with her XH once in a while, is sad to read that she is at least happy having him once in a while in her flat to cook him dinner and spend the night with her.

so so sad to read that she had everything and now the crumbs are enough to make her happy.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The lady in the bar sounds very sleazy.

Does the sleaziness diminish as we travel back to that "kiss", IDK but I suspect that he helped her discover her (incipient) inner $lut, she wanted to follow it but was double minded because she stood to lose her established life.

Ultimately cheating changes you.



ReformedHubby said:


> I did ask her why she didn't fight for him. According to her it was a combo of pride and fear of rejection, however she did acknowledge that her and the OM were friends during this time as well. Her girlfriend was shaking her head in disbelief the entire time she was telling the story. As if to say stop talking already.



Its just biology at work I guess.

Ivan Petrovich Pavlov would be proud.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, those are just two more examples of the proper way to handle a cheating spouse situation. Sad and refreshing at the same time.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Just a kiss my butt. I think I have feelings for him, yeah right. Her ex did the muy macho thing. If more guys did this, I think there would be less tom foolery. But alas it's just not like that. This person is telling you some sob story, yeah let's get fish hooked. In any case if the persons ex just packed and walked (which I wouldn't have done), it's quite possible he saw red flags way before she told him. Probably not a stupid man. It's the last straw, he had enough bologna and walked. Wow, that's what I did. In any case if you need to sort your feelings, move out and do the hokey pokey, then by all means, go find yourself, but when you wake up, I won't be here. So sorry. Flat out zero respect, end of soapbox.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Not trying to be rude with this question but I have to ask:

Have you cheated on your husband?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He manned up. And i love it. Any cheater who needs "time to figure things out" she be dropped quicker than her panties were.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

"She said she hadn't thought of him that way before but that the kiss confused and excited her. She didn't talk to her husband about it that night. Instead she went back to work the next day and talked to the guy that kissed her. He confessed to having feelings for her, she said she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

That night she had a conversation with her husband. She told him about the kiss. Her husband was irate that she talked to the OM about it first. She then told her husband that she wasn't sure if she had feelings for the OM or not but needed time to sort things out. She said she had no idea why she told her husband that."

It sounds like her H was right. If she had strong such strong feelings about her H, the story would have gone as follows:

"The man tried to kiss her and she pushed him away, and left. She was so upset, she immediately called her H on the phone and told him what happened. Then she went to the HR department and reported her colleague for sexual harassment, and he got fired. She never spoke with the "fresh" man again, and she lived with her loving H happily forever after."


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> It sounds like her H was right. If she had strong such strong feelings about her H, the story would have gone as follows:
> 
> "The man tried to kiss her and she pushed him away, and left. She was so upset, she immediately called her H on the phone and told him what happened. Then she went to the HR department and reported her colleague for sexual harassment, and he got fired. She never spoke with the "fresh" man again, and she lived with her loving H happily forever after."


I am sure that she had fantasized in that escenario many times since her Xhusband left and even dreamed about it, unfortunatly the is no time machine in real world.

you did it, you face consequences.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with "see ya beeyotch."


It's completely understandable.

The story and her reasoning didn't make sense, and I will tell you why;

First she claims that they spent too much time together, then claims that after the kiss she never thought of him "in that type of way" but then needed time to think about it... 

All this is so contradictive! The husbands reaction was the cake, he was not going to play second fiddle to nobody and allow her to THINK about their marriage they just spent years building. 

With all children in their late teens I would have packed up and been gone as well.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If more guys were like him we would not need this place.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I'm wondering how your W feels about you getting chatted up in bars and having another woman share such intimate details of her life with you...:scratchhead:


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> OP, I'm wondering how your W feels about you getting chatted up in bars and having another woman share such intimate details of her life with you...:scratchhead:


LOL, I knew eventually someone was going to bring that up. Its one of the reasons why I was hesitant to post it in the first place. 

Being honest I will just say that the woman that chatted me up was not at all "my type". In fact I assumed that I wasn't her type either, so I figured it was safe. I shouldn't say this but based on where I was at in the country and her age, I kind of assumed that hooking up with a black guy wasn't exactly something that would be on her mind. In retrospect that may not have been the case. 

As for my wife I did tell her about the conversation. Her viewpoint on it was that if what happened to the woman happened to her. She would not have been confused, and would have made sure it never happened again. However, she did say that she probably wouldn't tell me about it because she knows how angry I get when other men touch her even innocently. I'm not sure what to make of that really.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

HeartInPieces said:


> This reminds me of one of my mom’s old friends. She was married to her XH for almost 20 years they had 3 kids and a good life together. Both her and her XH were well liked by everyone they seemed to have a perfect marriage. She was a SAHM when her youngest finished school she decided to go back to work. Her XH was able to get her a very nice job. She worked there for a little over a year then all of a sudden she quit and went back to being a SAHM. No one at the time knew why she quit and whenever anyone asked her she just said it wasn’t for her. Well after few months it came out she had an affair with a coworker. Other man wife sent pictures and emails to all of her close friends and family. Even her kids saw the pictures and read them emails. Her husband found out the same way and filed for divorce. She tried to change his mind but he wasn’t having it.
> 
> It’s been almost 5 years since the affair happen and she still dealing with the fallout. She tried to do everything to win her husband back but the divorce was finalized and that was the last time she says she saw him but she still reaches out to him. Her 3 children who are all in in their 20’s now don’t speak to or visit her. They act if she doesn’t even exist. Most of her family has done the same. Her affair destroyed her life completely she lost it all. If that not bad enough she still believes her husband will come back one day. At the time I thought she was stupid but after being married for a few years and having a child of my own. I have gained some respect for her. Even though everything that has happened to her is her fault you can’t help but feel sorry for her and she has tried to repair the damage she caused. It really is a sad story. No one ever wins in situations like this it just leads to pain and heartbreak.


Hey, but at least she got to taste some extra penis. That makes it all worth while, right? 

Seriously, why are so many people this f'ing crazy? 
I almost get the exit affairs but I have seen so many good marriages where both spouses want their marriage and then it's gone because she just had to come home to hubby having gargled with penis, or he had to have his shaft coated by more than one vag.
INSANITY!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey RF, hope she changes her tune. Anything like that needs to be communicated to your spouse.
Very early in my relationship I got kissed by a girl I barely knew. I went right home and told my then GF, now wife, about it and she kicked a hole in our T.V. and was mad at me for getting into that situation, partly my stupidity, but it helped us to make better boundaries and talk more about our feelings for each other.

Peeps definitely need to get stuff in the open in a relationship
Thanks for sharing on this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP she was hitting on you in a round about way with her story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> As for my wife I did tell her about the conversation. Her viewpoint on it was that if what happened to the woman happened to her. She would not have been confused, and would have made sure it never happened again. However, she did say that she probably wouldn't tell me about it because she knows how angry I get when other men touch her even innocently. I'm not sure what to make of that really.


OP, had I been that woman, I would have dealt with the matter myself without telling my SO, too. When a woman wants to, it's _usually _quite easy to deflect any unwanted attentions from an opposite sex co-worker without fueling it further with a spouse or partner's testosterone... If deflection doesn't work, there's always the HR route. Once dealt with by me, only then would I tell my SO.

What confuses me about the woman's situation is why that one stolen kiss caused her to question how she felt about him, and it's my guess that there was already at least some level of an EA already in progress before the co-worker decided to take things to the next level (the kiss).

Presented with what the woman told her H, I don't blame him for dumping her.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> OP, had I been that woman, I would have dealt with the matter myself without telling my SO, too. When a woman wants to, it's _usually _quite easy to deflect any unwanted attentions from an opposite sex co-worker without fueling it further with a spouse or partner's testosterone... If deflection doesn't work, there's always the HR route. Once dealt with by me, only then would I tell my SO.
> 
> What confuses me about the woman's situation is why that one stolen kiss caused her to question how she felt about him, and it's my guess that there was already at least some level of an EA already in progress before the co-worker decided to take things to the next level (the kiss).
> 
> Presented with what the woman told her H, I don't blame him for dumping her.


Well it sounds like to me that their marriage was getting routine and stale. Both probably did not communicate that great or even often and just kinda fell into a routine. That is probably why the kiss made her feel excited, her marriage was probably on the rocks and neither her nor her H really knew it or they knew it and did not address it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cosmos. If another man surprised / forced a mouth to mouth kiss on you or any other sexually charged touch, you would not let your husband know? 
Not downing you, it's your relationship, I think secrets like that are pretty harmful.

Do you have an understanding about this with your H?
P.s. I did read where you would let him know after you dealt with it.
Just wondering if you two had agreed on that course of action. 

Is it an accepted boundary in your relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Cosmos. If another man surprised / forced a mouth to mouth kiss on you or any other sexually charged touch, you would not let your husband know?
> Not downing you, it's your relationship, I think secrets like that are pretty harmful.
> 
> Do you have an understanding about this with your H?
> ...


My SO knows me very well, and he knows that I have firm relationship boundaries and that I am more than capable of handling myself _very_ well around other men.

I told him about my reply in this thread, and he agreed with the way I said that I would handle things. He also confirmed what his first reaction would have been (to go and shake the co-worker like a rat), which further confirmed that my way of handling things would have been the better option.

I'm not certain that the woman's co-worker used force when kissing her, but the hugging might have been a clue...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well I am going to pipe in here...I must admit when I read the story..I thought it was harsh because I would have given her a second chance BUT then I thought where my second chances got me....further pain later on. He saw it and cut his losses. I mean for me and my ex - I thought "I spent close to 30 years with you and this is what you think of me?" Not to mention we raised two children together. wow! Probably how her ex husband felt. Then to throw those consequences upon her children and future grand-children. 
No matter how you slice it - that man did the right thing!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks for the reply Cosmos.
Just different than me and Mrs C would deal with it.

She can handle herself fine but I would need to know if someone took liberties with her immediately.
With us it is not even a trust issue but part of our intimacy.

If either of us withheld info about a situation that was previously mentioned, it could lead to trust issues.
We just need to know that kind of thing immediately.
Just one of our boundaries. Again, thanks for sharing your perspective, I am mostly here to learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

One more side note - it probably was tickle truth because my ex told me once when I was driving her to work that the union filed a grievance against her for "hugging" a coworker..I thought it ws odd but asked "There was nothing to it was there?" She said no. I trusted her....felt relieved she told me about it....I later found out that was the person she was having affair with. So....in my mind..that lady's husband did right thing. Great example of 180.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


What wrecked her life is she had an EA without realizing she was in an affair. She became addicted to her OM and did not want to go NC.

She waffled and told her husband basically she wanted to explore things further with the OM before she would recommit to the marriage. This is apparent if you have the ability to read in between the lines.

"she had to talk to the OM first the next day before she told her BH"

Believe me that OM did not go in for a hug and kiss unless he knew she was ripe for the picking. He knew that was the case by the signs she had been giving off.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

LostViking said:


> She should have slapped the fvck out of the OM for kissing her, told her husband what the dooshbag did, then filed a sexual harrassment claim against the OM.


Yes she wrecked her life by doing the opposite of this.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> The very first thing I would have done would be to tell my husband and ask him how WE as a team should address it. So probably the same thing she did. I'm still confounded. I wouldn't expect my honesty and forthrightness to be met with "see ya beeyotch."
> 
> The gleeful celebrating in the misery of others has never felt GOOD to me. So this sort of second, third hand retelling always baffles me. And Lord knows I'm slow.


No she did not act as a team with her BH. She teamed up with her OM first. She consulted the OM first the next day. She did not consult with her BH until she knew that the OM was interested in her.

She would not go NC and told her BH I am confused so she could have her cake and eat it to.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It was probably much, much more than that. Its natural for people for people to paint themselves in a better light. She isn't going to go out and say that her husband divorced her because she was banging her coworker.
> 
> ...


The truth.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> It's not the kiss. It's that she sought the OM's company even after she 'felt confused'
> 
> Actions speak louder than words.
> 
> I get the impression, that you are afraid this could happen to you. As long as you don't pursue the mistake before discussing it, I reckon your partner will value you for your honesty.


More truth.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Half an hour later I'd be wondering why she's changed the topic from the demo to how after having had kids, she needs *massive bellends *to get a buzz, and her husband doesn't have one.


Why do these foreigner's keep using bad English? :rofl:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Bet you could have got her drunk and bedded her that night. Good for you having too much integrity to notice. :rofl:


Drink?

What drink?

He don't need no stinkin' drink's.

She was primed to go before she sat down.


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## KVR (Feb 18, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> His rationale was that if she was that easily confused by a kiss she didn't love him. He also had no intention on waiting around for her to sort out her feelings for the OM.


And if he was that easily determined to divorce her by her confusion, he didn't love her. He probably had someone waiting in the wings already, and it gave him the perfect excuse to ask for divorce. The OP didn't know the timeline, but he did remarry. I don't think this is about karma. There is much more behind the story. 

I had a friend who had severe depression. After seeing IC for a while, it became apparent that her husband was the source of her stress. She mentioned to him that maybe they should think about separation. To her surprise, not only did he agree immediately, he went further and wanted a divorce. Turned out that he had been seeing another woman for over a year, with whom he started living together even before the divorce was finalized.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Yup I'm a grown woman. I'm about my dollars. I won't jeopardize my job without discussing it with my husband.


First time I heard that filing sexual harassment charges jeopardizes one's job.

Then conferencing with the OM first the next morning to see if OM is willing to commit to a relationship then waiting to that night to confer with her BH.

How is that protecting the "dollars"?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Honestly that's why I was torn and did feel kind of sorry for her. I don't know her husbands side, but I got the impression that the mere notion that she needed time to think about things after two decades of marriage was just really offensive to him. Perhaps if she had thrown the OM under the bus and distanced herself more it would have been different?
> 
> I don't really know. All I do know is that he made up his mind, and quickly too. So she really didn't have a chance to do anything else. I also got the feeling I was getting the PG version because she was sitting next to her friend.


He might have had sneakers already under his bed waiting to be strapped on for whatever reason.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Philat said:


> Maybe, Matt, but not necessarily. We don't know the timeline (OP wasn't told). To me the H's reaction is not a stretch even if he wasn't doing or thinking anything outside the marriage. Simply put, a spouse of many years does not suddenly question his/her commitment to the marriage based on a random association without provoking a drastic reaction.


And a person with a significant long term commitment to a marriage does not suddenly 'get confused' simply over one kiss.

So what was the confusion? If we are to believe the TAMMANITES, she was already doing the Horizontal Happy Dance with the OM. No evidence. Just...you know...gut.


OR...maybe she was confused by the sudden rush of lust and options available to her. Who doesn't like to be attractive to someone else? So a little libido stroking isn't 'I am leaving you and running off to Baja with Jorge the Pool Boy'.

OOOOR...she was in a less than optimal marriage FROM HIM and feeling she suddenly had options made her...thoughtful. Do I want to continue this marriage?

Considering the skid marks he made when he left, certainly HE wasn't particularly emotionally invested.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

KVR said:


> And if he was that easily determined to divorce her by her confusion, he didn't love her. He probably had someone waiting in the wings already, and it gave him the perfect excuse to ask for divorce. The OP didn't know the timeline, but he did remarry. I don't think this is about karma. There is much more behind the story.


I am not so sure. I actually put a lot of thought into it and to me I would be super offended if my wife needed time to get her head straight after something like this. I could honestly forgive my wife for the kiss assuming she didn't want it. But for me I was wondering why she went back to the other guy first. I asked her and she said she didn't know. Pretty much everything I asked was met with I don't know. Even when I asked her why she was still seeing the OM, it was I don't know.

After all that time of being married shouldn't she know enough to tell her husband I'm sorry this happened and I love you. What happened initially is forgivable, but her follow up was handled very poorly. 

Just FYI, her relationship with her ex is amicable, and her kids are still in her life. How do I know this? She had her iPad in her bag and showed me everybody. I can only imagine how much she over shares with friends if I was told her life story.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

KVR said:


> And if he was that easily determined to divorce her by her confusion, he didn't love her. He probably had someone waiting in the wings already, and it gave him the perfect excuse to ask for divorce. The OP didn't know the timeline, but he did remarry. I don't think this is about karma. There is much more behind the story.
> 
> I had a friend who had severe depression. After seeing IC for a while, it became apparent that her husband was the source of her stress. She mentioned to him that maybe they should think about separation. To her surprise, not only did he agree immediately, he went further and wanted a divorce. Turned out that he had been seeing another woman for over a year, with whom he started living together even before the divorce was finalized.


And your friend and this situation are similar...HOW?

Sorry but if my wife kissed another guy this easily and talked about being confused. I'd be hard pressed not to kick her out and file for divorce immediately as well for the same reasons.

My attitude is, if EVERYTHING that I do for my family and for her. With how well I treat her and the love I show her. With the affection I give her, the orgasms I give her, the understanding, sympathy, compassion and strength that I provide...if she's still "confused" and she wants to kiss another guy....fine. It's obviously not enough and no matter HOW good I am, it won't be enough because at that point...it's a her problem.

PS I know for a fact my wife would act the same way. My life loves me with her whole heart and she gives me more than I could ever have thought from a relationship and marriage, but if I said and did those same things...she'd have zero issues kicking me to the curb....I know that...which is probably just ONE more reason that I wouldn't find myself in that situation.

PS: The issue wasn't the kiss. The issue was everything AFTER the kiss.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sounds like the husband was not all that much committed to the marriage.
> 
> "What's that? You almost nearly kinda sorta thought about possibly maybe cheating, perhaps? Oh, I is soooo heart-broken! Buhhhh-byeeee, I'm outa here!"
> 
> He moved on quickly and got married again? *Oh, sure he did*.


Actually there are guys who really don't accept this level of disrespect. And telling your spouse you are 'confused' about your feelings for another person is a tremendous level of disrespect and has implications far beyond confusion.

I am not confused if I meet a woman I find attractive. I maintain clear boundaries and go on loving my wife. No confusion whatsoever. If my wife gets confused about someone else I will dump her for someone who isn't confused right quick.

When I found out my GF of 6 years made out with another guy I dumped her and was sleeping with someone else 48 hours later. I had never cheated on her or even felt vaguely tempted to do so. Obviously we don't know the truth on this guy's end or even if his ex's version of events is true. But guys who will react like this are out there and I am one of them. That you can't even conceive of a man who has this level of self-respect is... Well, it is your deal.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I know its a scary thought for some on here, but some men love their wives, but view cheating as their only dealbreaker. So, many guys on here are simply doormats. But, outside of this place
I dont think most guys tolerate even half the crap we see here.

Its insulting to all betrayed spouses to say we did not love our wives because we divorced them for cheating. Her hubby did what me and most of the men i respect would do.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Am I reading this?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I would expect my wife to act and take care of the situation appropriately on her own. 

Any wishy-washyness on her part would be more telling to me than anything else.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

KVR said:


> And if he was that easily determined to divorce her by her confusion, he didn't love her.


Don't agree at all. I can be head over heels and will still refuse to let someone openly disrespect me.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

illwill said:


> I know its a scary thought for some on here, but some men love their wives, but view cheating as their only dealbreaker. So, many guys on here are simply doormats. But, outside of this place
> I dont think most guys tolerate even half the crap we see here.
> 
> Its insulting to all betrayed spouses to say we did not love our wives because we divorced them for cheating. Her hubby did what me and most of the men i respect would do.


:iagree::iagree:
Absolute Truth!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i am still amazed at some of the responses (again im not a cake eater) but oh he left her over that he must not have loved her....ohh BS. i love my wife to death she knows this she also knows/understands and agrees with if she or i ever kissed another person we are divorcing. the kiss was only half the problem the wofe putting herself in that position was the other half.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> i am still amazed at some of the responses (again im not a cake eater) but oh he left her over that he must not have loved her....ohh BS. i love my wife to death she knows this she also knows/understands and agrees with if she or i ever kissed another person we are divorcing. the kiss was only half the problem the wofe putting herself in that position was the other half.


Honestly I could even forgive the whole in a bad position thing too. Some people are just really naieve. What I could not forgive would be the "I'm not sure about my feelings thing". She may not have understood what her feelings for the OM were, but I think her husband thought her uncertainty spoke volumes about how she felt about him.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

illwill said:


> I know its a scary thought for some on here, but some men love their wives, but view cheating as their only dealbreaker.


I'd of put up with almost anything... but cheating? Especially physical? Letting some other guy get his rocks off for months while I'm played for a fool? How much of a disgusting person can you be? YOU'RE MARRIED for crying out loud! This ain't high school and you're not a love sick teenager though you act like one in real life. Yeah... DEALBREAKER... 

I don't care how much I loved the person prior. I can't think of a worse way to disrespect someone who loves you. There's no sense in loving someone who doesn't love you back. Mourn the loss then find someone who does. Then when your new love inevitably asks you why it didn't work out you can hold your head up high and say, "She cheated on me so I put her out like the trash that she was..." Nobody can argue with that because nobody respects a cheater. They don't even respect themselves. That's why they don't respect you.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband? Seems like the first was a man taking liberties with a married woman. And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband. And being confused isn't bad. Acting on it sure is, but it sounds like she didn't. So what's the moral of this story? :scratchhead:


Did you cheat on your husband? Because no offense, but your validation of immoral activity sounds like the words of someone who cheated. If you didn't, I apologize.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Yep.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Did you cheat on your husband? Because no offense, but your validation of immoral activity sounds like the words of someone who cheated. If you didn't, I apologize.


I think she was pointing out that there was more to this story than is seen on the surface. My guess is that there had been no real communication between husband and wife for years.

Worse, what was the sin? From the story we were given, there was a kiss. Nothing else, no matter what folks imagine. Divorce over a kiss? Sure, the husband was concerned about the good old "I need time to think about it" routine, but certainly I'd at least spend some quality time talking to a wife before jumping to divorce.

By the way, you should apologize anyway. That's no way to respond to another human being.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

read her threads if you want to know the answers


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The sin was her going back to work and not shutting it down. That, coupled with kiss, was a green light. Then add in what she told her hubby after all those years together, he was right to file.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

sidney2718 said:


> I think she was pointing out that there was more to this story than is seen on the surface. My guess is that there had been no real communication between husband and wife for years.
> 
> Worse, what was the sin? From the story we were given, there was a kiss. Nothing else, no matter what folks imagine. Divorce over a kiss? Sure, the husband was concerned about the good old "I need time to think about it" routine, but certainly I'd at least spend some quality time talking to a wife before jumping to divorce.
> 
> By the way, you should apologize anyway. That's no way to respond to another human being.


Given your pathology concerning the presently discussed subject matter I find your criteria for what necessitates an apology highly dubious. No thanks.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> Given your pathology concerning the presently discussed subject matter I find your criteria for what necessitates an apology highly dubious. No thanks.


I don't understand what was offensive with your question in the first place. Aren't we all here to seek and understand and guide and learn? I am blunt. You didn't mince words, or name call, or belittle so... I thought your question was on point and was asked in a decent way. If you don't like hard questions, stay off the forum.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

There was more than a kiss to this "story". Much more.

This woman had altered and edited her saga to involk the maximum amount of sympathy form her "targets".

She was on the prowl and this guy was potential pray.

She lays the "Oh woe is me" tail down then looks for, hope for some comforting.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> There was more than a kiss to this "story". Much more.
> 
> This woman had altered and edited her saga to involk the maximum amount of sympathy form her "targets".
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> read her threads if you want to know the answers


Her "threads" are gone.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Sorry sorry sorry! I've been sick on and off and tend to forget where I have sprinkled posts lol. I had to delete my personal threads because my husband was afraid I had shared too much personal info about his job. 

I had an EA over a year ago, a friendship that ramped up. Never hugged or kissed om, confessed to my husband MYSELF, had to force him to confront the fact that we were miles apart. He was pretty wrapped up in his job, his hobbies, and his severe porn addiction. I had to admit that while I held down his home and children, I wasn't being honest or forthright with him. Almost martyring myself at the altar of my family. I cried alone at night and hid my resentment (before om.) Anyone who knows my story knows my husband does not work a normal 9 to 5 job. It is long hours and a lot of danger. Think cop but beyond that. 

We had to deal with the death of a family member after my confession, the relapse of an addict, a miscarriage followed by another pregnancy within 3 weeks and have drawn closer together. He's adjusted his hours and duties so he has 1 day shift every 2 weeks, I've adjusted my expectations, boundaries, and beliefs about OS friendships. We are reconciling and pregnant with twins due in early summer. Hence my severe illness and general absentmindedness about posts. 

I'm not ashamed of my past. PERIOD. Why would I? I learned so much from awesome people here and on a few other sites. I'm accountable for my actions and my journey through this life.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Having followed Annies story from the start, That's a really good summary. One reason Annie's EA did not go PA is because she had just changed medications and she was concerned about getting preggers.

When the marriage is so bad (not talking about this one) or the husband so dysfunctional then I think if he desires to save the marriage he has to fix himself, work on the relationship, and heal while he "R's". I realize that the diagnosis of a successful "R" is years away.

The standard TAM model works quite well for some, but the cookie cutter does not fit in every case.

Some formerly WS's in an effort to bring some balance seem to take the WS's "side" with alacrity. Sometimes to the point of seemingly defending or absolving the AP.

This could be a artifact of discussion/debate IDK.

Many married woman in struggling relationships would NOT reciprocate a kiss. 

Many perhaps most men would be devastated if their wife did so.

These men have no reason to defend their feelings. (Perhaps some would say that "my wife kissing another man was a wake up call for me" perhaps some would say, "I never felt she would do something like that to me".)

It can always be one way or the other in the land of sophistry, IRL not so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Great story.
> 
> Once she sought the guy out after the kiss, I felt no sympathy.
> That was a decision she'll have to live with.
> Confused? Gimme a break


The only confusion she had was what hole to let the OM enter first!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

As bad as cheating can be, it's unfortunately a common occurrence. There's a a lot of science behind why humans cheat. 

It's a lot harder to work through a marriage after an affair than to just leave. Sometimes, there's no way to fix it. But if there is any chance, why not try? There is nothing wrong with reconciliation.

It disturbs me that you consider a hero a man who walked away from a wife who just started an EA but confronted her husband. It's scary how some people can just walk away. That's the easy way-not anything heroic at all.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Boricha: I certainly agree with you that it's a lot harder to work through a marriage after an affair than to leave but I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if my spouse ever crossed the line into a PA, it's over: no questions asked. I don't care what the circumstances are around the affair or how remorseful she is or what she is willing to do to make it up to me; the marriage is over and the divorce from hell begins. I will not live with a woman who allowed another man to use her while being married to me; my self respect will not allow for it.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Boricha: I certainly agree with you that it's a lot harder to work through a marriage after an affair than to leave but I will tell you in no uncertain terms that if my spouse ever crossed the line into a PA, it's over: no questions asked. I don't care what the circumstances are around the affair or how remorseful she is or what she is willing to do to make it up to me; the marriage is over and the divorce from hell begins. I will not live with a woman who allowed another man to use her while being married to me; my self respect will not allow for it.


According to this scenario, she told her husband right away after the initial kiss. That's when he could have put a stop to it, before it went any further. It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to leave anyway. He wasn't interested in saving it. IF she had already slept with him, that would be another story.

The way you put it, I really do respect your opinion.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Boricha said:


> According to this scenario, she told her husband right away after the initial kiss. *That's when he could have put a stop to it*, before it went any further. It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to leave anyway. He wasn't interested in saving it. IF she had already slept with him, that would be another story.
> 
> The way you put it, I really do respect your opinion.


The "he" in that bolded part is double bold.

It gets bolded exponentially as the wayward's boundaries approach zero, asymptotically.

HE has to put a stop to HER inappropariate actions? Really? Bolded really?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Boricha said:


> According to this scenario, she told her husband right away after the initial kiss. That's when he could have put a stop to it, before it went any further. It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to leave anyway. He wasn't interested in saving it. IF she had already slept with him, that would be another story.
> 
> 
> 
> The way you put it, I really do respect your opinion.


In response to this, I will refer you to an earlier post of mine in this thread:



The Middleman said:


> I'll put myself in his shoes: The woman who vowed to be faithful to me for the rest of her life just tells me that she needs time to sort out her feelings for another man and I am not her "one and only" any more, but just another choice she is going to make. Speaking for my self, the only time I should be "a choice" for my wife is when I asked her to marry me; then she can think about it all she wants. But when she says "I Do", she can't ask for a "do over" or "take a break" every time she meets someone who tickles her panties. Sorry, but no man with self respect is going to take that.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> What exactly wrecked her life? The om kissing her? Telling her husband?



The fact that she liked it and it excited her. 



> And I would think she did the right thing telling her husband.


Yes, she did.



> And being confused isn't bad.


Maybe not for the person who is confused. Not so much for the poor schlub on the other end of it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> i am still amazed at some of the responses (again im not a cake eater) but oh he left her over that he must not have loved her....ohh BS. i love my wife to death she knows this she also knows/understands and agrees with if she or i ever kissed another person we are divorcing. the kiss was only half the problem the wofe putting herself in that position was the other half.


:iagree:

Yes, as far as some here would be concerned, when she told him she needed time to sort out her feelings for this other guy, her H should have just folded like a cheap suit, became a cowering puppy dog and told her to take all the time she needs.

Please, get real.


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