# Jobless and alone



## BalefulRose (May 21, 2014)

Just about at boiling point so I'm sorry if I sound unhinged. I get pressure headaches almost every day these days, not to mention occasional loss of temper in which things are thrown, punched and the room is filled with colourful language that could leave Gordon Ramsay gawping. Any advice or insight or plain old opinions are appreciated. Did I make the wrong choice to begin with? Is love even enough to stand a hurricane like this?

In 2013 I moved from England to the US to be with my now-husband. He is 4 years younger than me, I’m 29. We adopted 2 gorgeous cats that are our babies, taking into account neither of us want (nor can we afford) children. We live in the converted basement of his parents’ house, thankfully they do not want rent until we are both earning. His family are lovely to us, though I have some frustrations with them due to cultural differences (they are S-American Hispanic, I'm white) and his relationship with them is that he is rude and generally abnormal towards them. Note that 90% of his time is spent playing video games. Maybe an escape, but it is his number one hobby.

He was studying Psychology and always hoped to get his PhD, but this never happened. The doctorate was partly why I agreed to moving here, as otherwise I was earning a nice monthly wage in my job in England that could have given us a start. I gave up my job, my family and all for this. It was always agreed that one day we may move to England, apparently that was a lie much like everything else.

So picture this, just over a year later, we’re still both jobless and I’m reduced to an allowance that comes out of my inheritance from my late brother. He “works” writing online for around $5 per piece, usually one a day. I do the same when possible but it makes little difference as half my money goes on kitty food. Please don’t suggest giving up my pets as this is not even a consideration and I take better care of them than some people do their own children. I love them to pieces. I came here with savings that have long since dried up and I could not even get health insurance so I have the clothes on my back. Now we are paying for our own groceries which has left me utterly borasic. We buy communal groceries and our own, and for example he won’t even buy milk as says he can do without it, I’m sure you can imagine how that works out?

I do 90% of the cleaning including bins, washing and stuff. He seems to have started doing a little more perhaps due to my recent job stresses which is admittedly good of him. The bedroom looks like a clothes store uses it for storage.

Cats are mine, so no help there with food and he would laugh at the thought of doing the litter or washing their bedding. Thank god for no kids, right?

I’ve had 5 (or more) interviews for jobs through the year (considering 100s of resumes and applications sent), most of them at the hospital, and never received a call back even when I am told that I will. This is despite thorough experience in admin and IT qualifications. One interviewer made it sound like it was in the bag but afterwards I never got a call or reply to my email, then a similar phone call again yesterday, both of which are the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m now feeling the misery, like this is ageing me. So now I feel only frustration and anger in a place that is driving me mad, suffice to say I’m not in love with NY or the US in general right now for many reasons, some unrelated. Not for one moment before and after coming here did I think I would have so much trouble finding work, and I never agreed to living here forever. As for my hubby, he has only ever worked once around Thanksgiving as a delivery driver and nothing since not even a phone call from prospective employers. So perhaps me living in a primarily Hispanic area isn't a cause after all, though it does sometimes prove an issue as employers want Spanish speakers here.

When I try to talk to him about us moving to England where I think we will have better prospects, he flat-out refuses. He says he likes living in NY and wouldn’t want to be away from the things he knows, even though I gave up my family who I am so close to and a job that mostly recognised my abilities. He doesn’t like talking about any of this as he says it ends in an argument, and even tried to make me feel selfish for wanting to have my own home.

I do not have any friends here as we're not overly social types, but I can't speak to my English friends either way as they are not exactly the most deep or insightful people more like celebrity gossip or shopping pals. Eh.

So at 29 I am now a ball of rage and misery. Also sometimes angry at my mother who refused to allow me (or my sister who was also working full time) access to my inheritance in order for my hubby and me to have gotten onto the housing ladder with my income at the time. It's like between her, him and the employers I'm destined to end up in a mental institution at this rate.

Am I being a brat here? My hubby thinks I am. Maybe I'm going about something wrong but how do you put your foot down and should I set a time when I'm giving up on this whole process whether he wants to join me or not?

Thanks so much for any advice. I'm drowning here.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm not sure I understand why you want to stay with someone that lacks any kind of ambition or motivation. Why doesn't H study anymore?

Have you applied for any and all jobs, such as waitressing to make ends meet while you continue to apply for qualified positions? 

To be honest, I don't think you sound very happy. If it were me, I'd be taking a basic job, saving my airfare, and heading home. I think that's your best course of action. I'm sorry, but I don't see anything worth sticking around for.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

BalefulRose said:


> Just about at boiling point so I'm sorry if I sound unhinged. I get pressure headaches almost every day these days, not to mention occasional loss of temper in which things are thrown, punched and the room is filled with colourful language that could leave Gordon Ramsay gawping. Any advice or insight or plain old opinions are appreciated. Did I make the wrong choice to begin with? Is love even enough to stand a hurricane like this?
> 
> In 2013 I moved from England to the US to be with my now-husband. He is 4 years younger than me, I’m 29. We adopted 2 gorgeous cats that are our babies, taking into account neither of us want (nor can we afford) children. We live in the converted basement of his parents’ house, thankfully they do not want rent until we are both earning. His family are lovely to us, though I have some frustrations with them due to cultural differences (they are S-American Hispanic, I'm white) and his relationship with them is that he is rude and generally abnormal towards them. Note that 90% of his time is spent playing video games. Maybe an escape, but it is his number one hobby.
> 
> ...


What kind of job are you looking for at the hospital? 
29 years old is still young. I would go back to school to become a nurse and find a job (of course you have to truly love people or you will feel miserable).


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

BalefulRose said:


> that was a lie much like everything else.


You were sold a bill of goods. You loved what you were sold, not what this "man" actually is.

Go home.


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

Great post. Your situation is stalled.

Give it a time limit. 

He's only 25. Many guys don't get it together until 30. Don't think you can wait that long. 

Think about it. Then come back to the UK. London is booming. The rest of the UK...not so much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the OP is gone.


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## BalefulRose (May 21, 2014)

Sorry, did not see most recent replies. I got a job but it never took off as it was some sort of scam or dodgy deal "off the books".

Thank you for all of some great replies. I have decided to give it until September where I'll start making preparations to return home in December, with him if he will make the move, without if not.

Had another interview last week, not expecting much as it was the hospital in some admin position.

I do love my husband. He has some great strengths and understands me very well, despite my flaws. I think TiredFamilyGuy is right that he is still young. He and his friends are sort of stuck in that teenager mindset at times, he's brighter than them though. I'm lucky in a way as he worships me and we trust each other. Perhaps he will find his spark once he gets a chance, but he has more trouble than me in getting interviews even. It's been a mood killer for him as he feels his masters degree was all pointless.

I'm actually not too bothered about where I work at this point. I'm going to look into retail jobs to keep things ticking over. The hospital pays well and is always hiring, and since we have family that works there it is slightly easier to get an interview than if we were applying off the street. I think the admin depts are snobby at this place but it's work, right?

I wish I had money for veterinary school but that won't happen anytime soon.

I guess I'm venting because, well, money trouble as well as his lack of responsibility for things is a pain. Messy clothes, won't clean, won't do litter once in a while, etc. Will not even take me to find something to send my mum for her birthday, not without a trade-off. I worry about his family's birthdays, he doesn't. One year into the marriage and already we're stuck in the mud, just seems like moving here was a bad idea I should never have gone for. I was earning good wage, he just wouldn't budge.

Perhaps I need to get better at reasoning with him. I know a job would make things easier.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BalefulRose said:


> Am I being a brat here? My hubby thinks I am. Maybe I'm going about something wrong but how do you put your foot down and should I set a time when I'm giving up on this whole process whether he wants to join me or not?
> 
> Thanks so much for any advice. I'm drowning here.


BalefulRose,

The bottom line is that you can't continue for things to be the way they are. I don't know any other way to change it other than setting expectations for you and him and then sticking to them. Some are so overwhelmed and unready by life that they'd rather never get anywhere. Your husband may be one of these. If so then you'll be going back to England without him. But you have no control of him so there's no point obsessing about what he's going to do. Just focus on what you're going to do.

Your husband is educated in psychology so I'm sure he'll understand you when you tell him his sphere of influence has vanished. Good luck.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

He is a mid twenty something living in his parent's basement - he is rude and abnormal to his parents. (your words)

He claims to have been working towards his PHD - but plays video games all day and night - with the occaisional $5 writing something.

As the others have said - you were sold a line of baloney. 
Your Mother was right NOT to give you your inheritance to support you and your deadbeat husband.

He is a bum...a selfish self-centered bum.

You are only 29 - sheesh there are so many other worthwhile individuals whom you might have a happy future with.

So, you picked wrong. You are miserable. Swallow your pride and call your mum and take you and your two cats back home.

OR - if you are working towards and want to be a citizen of The United States...then I would look for jobs wherever I could get one to support myself and my two cats. An efficiency apartment would get you out of the man-boy's mommy's basement.

He does nothing because he is required to do nothing. His parents couldn't get him to do the responsible adult thing - hence his rudeness towards them ......he's mentally still a teen-aged brat.

I hope you look at all these posts - especially your own - and think about what in the world would you tell yourself?

He isn't changing. He doesn't care about you or your animals nor his parents. 

Ugh

I'll send you job finding or at least reality seeing vibes!

Good luck!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you came over? How well did you really know him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Does he still write online? At $5 each article...even if he submitted a piece every day, that's only $150 a month. That's great as a supplementary side-job, but not worth the time if he is spending 1-3 hours on polishing a piece. He can make more money giving plasma.

If he is completely blocked from finding a degree in his field, he should be working two jobs to support his family. It doesn't matter what kind of jobs they are. Also, if he wants a professional job, than he needs to be investing into making himself marketable, and fine-tuning his resume. Extended periods of videogaming, especially if it is during business hours or is impeding his ability to get up early (because he is pulling all-nighters) is unacceptable.

Yes, your finances do seem to make your finding work prudent as well, but I have concerns that if you land employment, will H stop seeking his career? He may be down and depressed about not rising in the field he had been aiming, but he needs to adjust. A great number of individuals will claim that they found careers in areas unrelated to their degree focus.


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