# My wifes family from HELL



## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Well its going to be a long read and I understand if most of you don't want to take the time. For those of you that do take the time to read this, Thank you.

I remember the first time I saw my wife, I was 16 and she was 14 and from the first time we locked eyes there was something there. I would say that its as close to love at first sight as I have ever experienced, Except for the fact that she was with one of my best friends for a year after I first met her but even when she was with him she would give me those eyes when I was around. 

When they broke up she came after me and I was all for it. It destroyed my relationship with my friend cause he was still in love with her and he and his buddies made it a point to make my life very difficult because of my betrayal. While I was with her for this short period I met her father and step mother. At first they seemed pretty normal but as time went on I started noticing the neglect regarding their daughter. 

They didn't care if I stayed the night with her while they were out of town, They didn't care if she had parties without them there, they didn't care of she drank or did drugs, They didn't care if she was having sex. This boggled my mind even at 17 years old and at this point she was 15.

Then one night it became clear when she asked me to take a trip with her down to Detroit to pick her dad up. When we got there we pulled into a tittie bar and the bouncers carried her dad out and put him in the car. He was blackout drunk and unresponsive. 

Apparently this was common with him as the bar had a few numbers to call when he got that wasted. He was an alcoholic and a serious one at that. There was a disrespect that started to grow in me for her father at that point and her step mom was just as bad, if not worse. 

What eventually led to our relationships demise was the day when my grandma came home and caught us having sex and banned her from coming around anymore. I decided that between her ex, His friends and my family coming down on me because of this girl it just wasn't worth it to me anymore so I broke up with her and it just so happened to be on her 16th birthday. Jerk move I know, But I will freely admit that back then my selfishness had peaked and I didn't really care.

So 9 years went by before I saw her again. In this time I had gotten my wild 20s out of me and was starting to chill out, I was sick of having sex with random women and not really having a real relationship with any of them. I was craving a relationship. When I saw her again even after 9 years and dumping her on her 16th birthday she still gave me those eyes. My response was to chase her down and anything I had to do to be with her I did including see her through her current relationship that she was unhappy in. 

I did have to finally tell her that I wanted to be more than friends and listening to all her boyfriend troubles was going to push me away. At that point she cut the crap and made a commitment to me. She admitted she was weary about another relationship with me because of how the last one ended and she wanted a friendship first. 

Yet she also admitted that when she saw me again she just wanted to drop everything and be with me. I did what I had to do because wanted to be with her and that was hard for me listening to her problems with another man.

We moved pretty fast, Shortly after we were officially a couple again we got a place together. It was great, I was finally with someone I wanted to commit to. I think I cheated on every girl I was ever with and I was finally at the point in my life where that was completely out of the question. This was going to be a real, genuine and I was dead set on not messing this up. 

Of course during this short period she has told me about how bad her father is hurting her with his deteriorating condition and lack of of love or concern for her. She spoke often about writing him off and never talking to him again but somehow she always let him weasel his way back in to break her heart again. 

She gave me the lowdown on her father shortly after we were back together. He had sold their family home, property and all their belongings to fuel his crack cocaine addiction. He had lost everything and was staying in an apartment on the other side of the county working there as a maintenance man and living to smoke crack. I remember the night I saw him for the first time sense I was a teenager. 

She asked me to come with her and we were going to buy him some food because he spent all his money on crack and forgot to eat. I agreed to go with her and when we got there it was like a scene from a movie. We walked in and it smelled like feces and heavy body oder, The place was trashed and there was a big hole in the ceiling from when he accidentally fired a shotgun into the empty apartment above him. 

I yelled at him that night, The guy was literally a total stranger to me but I couldn't take it. I told him to get his crap together, I told him how bad he was hurting his daughter, And I told him he was not going to be a part of either of our lives in this condition, I told him we would not be bringing him anything ever again so don't call and ask. He was pretty much unresponsive to everything I said and I got really pissed and we left. I could have choked him out that night so it was better to just go.

Fast forward a few months and she invited me to go to her aunts house in Mississippi and I agreed to go with her. We got there and the place was a dump in the middle of a corn field and all their grown children still lived there with their children. It was like the beverly hillbillies times 10. After being there for a few nights I started having a really hard time sleeping. I started having these crazy dreams about raping and killing women all taking place in the room we were staying in, No joke. 

It was extremely disturbing and after 5 nights of it I finally came to my breaking point and asked her if we could go party in New Orleans for a few nights and she agreed as she had started experiencing bad dreams as well just not as intense as mine. Im not a very spiritual guy but I can assure you I knew something bad was lurking there, every cell in my body was screaming get me out of here. 

Sure enough we got to the french quarter and the dreams stopped.This was most definitely the worst experience I have ever had staying somewhere and for all you skeptics that think Im crazy a few years ago my wife came to me crying and brought up my dreams when we were staying there. She told me that her uncle had been arrested for child molestation and all the children and grandchildren had came forward and said he molested and performed sexual acts on all of them.

Just so everyone knows, This is extremely hard for me to write, Im am so filled with disgust and anger toward my wife's family its painful to sit here and write it all down. Im reliving it all as Im writing it and it sucks.

So a year and two months after we reunited we got married. I asked her to marry me because I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her, because I love her and because I could see her being a great wife and mother. To me there wasn't even a question, She was the one for me. The wedding was beautiful, It was outside at her aunts house that lived close to us. Her father and step mom did not attend because they were to Fd up to make it, That really hurt her. 

When I proposed to her she asked me who was going to marry us and I told her I knew a pastor who use to come talk with me when I was a kid and I always liked him. So we setup an appointment with him and did pre marriage counseling which went well, He actively tried to get us into the church which I shrugged off every time he mentioned it but she really responded to it. 

She wanted to make a life change and I agreed to support her in that and do it with her even though I already knew I was not interested in church at all. I have had religion pushed on me sense I was young and I never believed in Jesus or the christian faith, To me church was torture. But for her I would do it. So we were married now and actively going to church. We quit drinking and smoking weed, It was never a problem for us and was purely recreational but we figured if we were going to do it for real and follow our pastors advice then these things had to go. 

We adhered to the christian faith together for 3 years before I finally came out and told her I was not a christian and I did not believe. I just couldn't take it anymore, I love her and want her to be satisfied with her life but it was making me miserable. She took it well but was bummed I wasn't going to church with her anymore.

Im getting a little ahead of myself. Four months after we were married she was asking me for a baby, so I got her pregnant with our daughter. She had a baby shower close to home and then she had a baby shower in Cleveland where her dad and stepmom had moved to. I agreed to go out there with her and we wound up at her stepmoms families house where there was more of the same. 

Drug addict degenerates and grown kids stealing money from their grandma for drugs literally while she is on her deathbed They wound up getting into a big fight, screaming and yelling at each other while we were there so I went over and gave their grandma a kiss on the cheek and told her I would be praying for her then just grabbed my wife and we left. Their grandma died shortly after we were there.

I have a real problem with her step moms family. These people are not my kids relatives, In no way are they related. But sense my wife considers these people family she thinks they are our kids family to, which is extremely frustrating to say the least.

A year after my daughter was born my wife was asking for another baby so I got her pregnant with my son. They are both healthy and so beautiful, They are 6 and 4 years old now and I love them more than anything. After my children were born my wife started really wanting them to know their family. I personally had no interest in this, obviously. But she holds a lot of value on family regardless of how Fd up they are, But I didnt want my kids being subjected to these Fd up people whom I had no respect for so there is a lot of on going battles about that. 

I mean I know this is her family, I knew that when I married her but I guess I didn't think it all the way through. I didn't think about these people being grandma and grandpa to my kids and when I did think about it I was shocked my wife actually wanted our kids to know them.

I wanted to write this to get it all off my chest and get opinions. But the more I write the more pissed off Im getting, I have a deep sinking feeling in my stomach right now and its tearing me up inside.

So sense im having a hard time with this I'll try to wrap it up quickly. A few years ago her dad is drunk driving and smashes into another car and rolls the vehicle off the freeway. Lucky to survive. Her dad and stepmom came up last year and got dropped off by the police after an altercation at a bar in my town. They come up to see their daughter and grandkids but stop and get drunk before they come to my home. 

I have told them countless times they are not allowed to be drunk around my kids yet they keep doing it and my wife lets it happen instead of kicking them out like she should. They come up on christmas eve and my wife and I are out and about while the kids are at home with my mom and we come back to find her parents at the house drunk with the kids opening all their presents. My mom got it for that one. 

8 months ago my wife's uncle butch dies of a heroin overdose, Last time I saw him I kicked him out of my house for being drunk around my kids.

My wife wanted her dads help with remodeling a bathroom in our home and like a dumbass I agreed they could come up and stay for a week. Her stepmom is now dieing from the damage alcohol has done to her body so she regularly pukes her guts out, even when theres nothing to puke up. Her liver is failing and her intestines are shriveling up. They were at my home for 2 nights and one of those nights i didn't sleep because her stepmom is dying on my living room floor with my kids in the next room. 

So the next morning I snapped, packed a bag and went and stayed in a hotel until they left. I have never left before, I have a lot of anger toward my wife for subjecting me and the kids to these things. I have no compassion for her dad and stepmom. They have trashed their body and mind and tortured me and my wife for to long. Me leaving the house for 4 days shook my wife up but didn't seem to wake her up that Im to my whits end with her family.

So yesterday my wife calls and tells me that her real mom has turned into a lesbian and has been having a relationship with this woman for two years. I say " Yea so?" and stuck up for her mom cause its her life she can do whatever she wants with it right? My wife don't seem to think so and got furious at me cause I told her to chill out and stop trying to control things that are out of her control. 

We haven't talked much sense then. Im literally at my end with this. I do love my wife dearly but Im to a point that I never thought I would come to. Im evaluating my happiness and sanity for the rest of my life. I wonder what its going to be like with her if this is the way the past 8 years have been? I wonder if she realizes in her pursuit to keep family close to us that she's pushing her husband out to sea? I wonder, But I am contemplating that push and about to start paddling. 

The thought of leaving my kids wrecks me. I love them so much and they deserve to have me and their mother there but what am I in this? Am I a human being with a life? or am I a sacrificial lamb for my wife and children that will be expected to suffer her and her family for the rest of my days.

It also is extremely painful to think she would pick them over me, I have gently and lovingly took care of her for the past 8 years. I let her quit her job to stay home with our kids. I work hard and I work long for us and this really hurts.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I can tell you from experience that some people are never able to see their families realistically or don't see it until they are in their 40's. They are often in denial or unwilling to accept that their families are hopelessly damaged since their own identities have been created by this very family. Leaving any family is like running away from yourself and its a painful decision that will haunt you regardless of the circumstances. When I was 15 I made a choice to leave my family out of pure survival (drugs, violence, abandonment ect..) and intellectually I knew it was the right thing to do. However, 30 years later I still have illogical feelings of guilt because this was my family after all.

Unfortunately for you I think that you need to hang around for your kids sake and take one for the team. You need to be around to protect your children from your wife and her family since she cannot see the damage that's being done. Your only hope is to try and show your kids that there's a better way to live. They will need an island of security and it sounds like you are the only one who can provide it. If you are going to divorce your wife I would begin to document everthing so you can so you can use it to fight for 50/50 custody. I don't think its a good idea to pull the children away from their mother before the age of 15 unless the circumstances are very serious. Another way to handle this is to move your family far enough away from the problem so that your children and wife have very little contact with all the drama. In my opinion this is the best way to handle it. Your wife may eventually see how bad things are if she's living the good life somewhere else. I don't think she'll come to her senses because of something you tell her. Your words are probably doing more harm then good in this situation since you may be coming off as a controlling jerk. You need to calmly and quietly start to take some actions to protect your kids future. Make some plans to create that island of security and eventually your kids may just decide that they want to stay with you.

Peace


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yikes! What screams out at me from your post is that I, like you, find this completely nuts and would not want my kids exposed to her family either, but this is your wife's 'normal'...I don't see anywhere where she has had any nurturing in her own life so as far as her family is concerned the bar is set about as low as it can be as far as expectations go.

Did she have any type of relationship with her bio mom growing up?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I think that's the longest post I've ever seen. Good golly O molly!!!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I really tried to read the whole post, but my eyes are fried from schoolwork. You may want to edit the story.

The bottom line is, your wife's family of origin is very toxic. It can be very hard to break away from a ghastly family, like a cult. They have subjected you to abuse because you have allowed them into your life. Cut off contact and tell your wife that she needs to protect her family from these monsters or go back to them.

You have been gracious and forgiving, but your inlaws lack of regard for your wife and for her new family can obviously be very dangerous. Your wife needs to make a choice and if she chooses her dysfunctional FOO, make sure you find a good lawyer so you can get the kids. Don't leave them with your wife to possibly be abused by her relatives.

Your wife will require extensive IC to understand the effects of her childhood on her current choices. She needs to learn to detach instead of being codependent.


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Thanks for the responses you guys  

Swedish. No her bio mom took off when she was very young and left her with her dad. Her step mom was picked up at a truck stop while he was a truck driver and never left.

Im not going to edit the post because its my story, and its the only way I feel that I can get the situation across.

Im probably not going to leave but in her eyes I will be that controlling jerk. And believe me, I'll feel like it too.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Chewy said:


> Thanks for the responses you guys


I do what I can.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I had a feeling she was not part of her life but was hoping otherwise that she might have someone in her family that was fairly stable. Wow...what does your mom think? I know you said she let your in laws in and they opened presents early (honestly she was put in a bad position there) but does she agree that contact with your wife's family is bad or does she see a benefit for your wife to stay somewhat in touch? Does your wife get along with your mom? Just wondering if she sees her as the mother figure she was missing growing up?


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

My mom is a bit loopy, To be honest hahaha. 

My mom doesn't know what I have been through with her family, She only knows bits and pieces. She was put in a bad position cause we knew wifes parents were coming. We should have been there, It was really our fault.

She doesn't see her as a mother figure I'll assume because my mother did not raise me. My grandparents raised me, I was raised by the baby boomers. My mom lost me when I was 2 years old cause she was forced to serve a lengthy sentence for burglary. 

My grandparents saved me from the system. But my mom is a good person, She has a good heart and common sense. She just made a mistake with her friends when she was young and dumb. That's why shes one of the people allowed to stay with my kids. 

We became close after she was out of jail but my grandparents kept custody of me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yah, I hear you. My bio family's like that.
And after my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage his sister got guardianship of him and just as he had told me the night before he went into his coma and had to get surgery and now rehab...they are as crazy as he said they were. Hoping he will understand why I don't even try to visit him any more. He was fighting with his sister over some stupid winter landscape print from his mother's estate, they were co-executors. He was adamant she should give him the print, but the family ganged up on him and someone else got it. So he had gone to a motel and checked in with a bottle of vodka... then came back here the next night and the day after fell into a coma from a brain hemorrhage. It was probably precipitated by all this stupid stress and the drinking and ignoring his symptoms and not taking his health seriously, also he didn't do any paperwork when he had got divorced, to make sure his next of kin didn't get guardianship of him in the event he became disabled. What a mess. I feel bad for him, but I follow the rule of self care. Having escaped a viper's pit from my own bio family, and done so with finesse, and also extricated myself from an abusive marriage, I hope he will understand why even though I love him dearly, the environment is unfit for human habitation and good luck to him getting his guardianship back. I will talk to him when he is family, stress, and alcohol free, and preferably in therapy. I mean, who fights over a cheap print? He brought home one of two guys picnicking with a nude and some other woman. Yep, it's a cheap print. I hung it over my potty, so I see it every morning, and I think, there it is. I hope it was worth his life fighting for the other cheap print he didn't get. Good grief. 

I think some people are just afraid to let their families go. In doing so, they really have to acknowledge how bad it was. And if there is one of them and many of the family, there is fear of being badgered and disbelieved. And there is a certain amount of social judgement that goes along with someone who says that they don't have a family (when they really do, like me), and it's well, what did you do wrong, did you go to prison or did you get disowned, etc. There is almost always suspicion raised when you don't have a family. And a lot of people can't deal with the holidays thinking what would they do if they didn't have a family? Actually I find that it's peaceful, but of course I am envious of people who have nice families and get along and really care about each other and trust each other. I have that with my kids. But that's it. So I found out the hard way, I cannot be involved with someone who has dealings with a dysfunctional family. Given a choice, and I do have a choice, I want to be with a guy who is friendly with his siblings and if his mom is alive, loves his mom in a genuine way. Mental health in my family with my kids has always been a priority, so I'm not going to change that when and if I get married. I really need someone who takes that seriously. Families should be functional, and fun, and if they cannot be, they should be severely marginalized and not kept around because you don't know what else to do with them. Of course they can be disowned, if the situation warrants. 

I know when my guy finds out I am no longer seeing him until he takes action on his family situation, he will be peeved and probably hurt. But that's just the way it is. There is no way on the face of this earth that I will subject myself to that kind of family again.

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP's wife to cut ties. One day they're just nuts, the next day there might be a gun. That's what happened with my family, my nephew popped my niece twice in the head close range in front of her two kids. My nutso brother has a lot of visitation with the kids. My niece had told me and her mom (who lost custody despite my pleas to social services at the time) about how perverted my brother was when she was an adolescent, her mom asked me did I think she was making it up. Nope, not after what he did to me when I was a kid, don't think she's making it up. Anyway, rapists, murderers, suicidal, delusional, paranoid, you name it you got it. My bio family. Part of the reason I stay in therapy is to keep an eye on my own sanity. Boy was I scared when I had allergic anaphylaxis, thought I was going nuts, adrenaline makes you paranoid. I would be afraid not to be in therapy or watched by a psychiatrist on a regular basis, given my bio family's history. Just thinking about it is crazy making, it makes you question whether you imagined it, because honestly, nothing could be that bad, really. But, sadly, it can be. :-(

Severing ties is not unreasonable. I went so far once as to change my name and I loved living overseas in a communist country that was under martial law, where none of my family could gain access to me even if they did I would have been able to lose them easily, being more familiar with the country and the language.  Best two years of my life. Completely relaxed. Here in the state where my some of my brothers live, whenever something comes up in the news, that sounds like them, I brace for another psycho murder or something like that. I guess though the only thing I would do at this point is to scratch my head and keep on doing what I'm doing. No contact, ever, for any reason.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Chewy said:


> Thanks for the responses you guys
> 
> Swedish. No her bio mom took off when she was very young and left her with her dad. Her step mom was picked up at a truck stop while he was a truck driver and never left.
> 
> ...


Suit yourself. I only made that suggestion because you will get more responses when you do not post novels. No need to get petulant and angry about a reasonable request. 

You are NOT being a controlling jerk if you are trying to protect your children from trauma and being abused. I hope your wife is not trying to shift the blame on you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yah, I hear you. My bio family's like that.


So glad you saw this post and responded, but sorry to hear you have experienced so much of this in your own life.


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Homemaker, Good to have you here and wow! Im glad to hear you escaped both of those situations with your sanity and im also glad to hear your standing your ground and protecting yourself from it happening again. The bio fam and bad marriage are two scenarios that suck a lot of people in for life.

I also think its peaceful to stay home on the holidays  I enjoy that very much actually. Imagine the holidays actually being relaxed and not full of stress, Travel and financial burden.

I don't think my wife will shift the blame on me. We do get along really well when this insanity is not be put on me. She will be even more hurt than she is now and its not my fault. I tried to support her far past the point when I knew it was counter productive just to avoid the inevitable. Which is where im at now.

Yea you know, One day their nuts and the next day there's a gun . That has crossed my mind like a thousand times regarding her father homemaker.

Firstyear, ur funny! I will leave it as is, I knew only a select few would actually care to read it all and identify....oooooppss! There I go again! I did get pretty harsh on you there didnt I? I apologize for being so nasty and rude to you. I will try and control my emotions better when your around ok? Friends? 

Roy, I................dont get it. Or are you saying the I, As in self centered I, The I is actually my personal experience and perspective from the first person, I.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Your wife is in a "family trance"! I know because both my wife and I were in our own respective family trances when we first got married. It will be VERY difficult to break, but once you break it, and you guys start living with an "us against the world" mentality, it will pay off! Leaving is the last thing you want to do. Right now you are the only thing protecting your kids from your in-laws. Just think of the free access they will have to them if you are not there!!!!!!!!! Sitting ducks they'll be I'm afraid! Don't worry about coming off as a controlling jerk. There are times when men (and women) have to be if the situation calls for it. Remember, you have two lives you are responsible for, and if your wife is putting them in danger by exposing them to these negative elements, then you have to to what you have to do! Again, it took my wife and I a few years before we could see how toxic our families are. We have both completely cut out certain people and the rest know that they will be next if they cross the line.


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

I agree Latigo. I want to leave her but I love them to much to actually do it. Its just my idiot angry man side that wants to get out the easy way, Yep that's not going to happen. I started this family by proposing to my wife and I will have to lay down the law and let her know exactly why i'm doing it. The messed up part is I know I will hurt her when doing this and that hurts me as well. Im going to have to cut off myself and the children from her family and im anticipating a pretty heated battle when I do. 

She gunna say well what about birthdays and christmas?! I have to tell my dad he cant see his grandchildren anymore? And im going to say yes. They are not welcome here ever again. oh man, That's so harsh and like I said it will hurt me to hurt her like this but on the flip side I have been wanting to do this for awhile now and I will take great pleasure in doing so.

A family trance huh? lol I have never heard of it, But it certainly sounds like I have been living in someone else's for awhile now.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Sounds like you are gearing up for war. Good man! It will probably take nothing less. BTW, I could post a paragraph tomorrow from a book I own that describes the "family trance" if you want? I need to type it on a word file first.


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

That would be a very interesting read Latigo, Thank you.

Part of the reason my post was so long is I wanted everyone to get a feel for who we are and how deep my love goes for my wife.

We have had blow outs before, This is a marriage not a fairytale. 

I see her breaking down big time, I'm not sure how much of a war it will actually be. It will probably wind up with us crying together out in the garage so the kids don't hear us and her accepting my decision without much of a fight at all. I know her pretty well and this could be real easy depending on how I put it to her. 

If she takes it as a personal attack it could go really bad, But if she takes it the way I mean it which is genuine, Im hurt and your hurting me and our kids and I cannot let it happen ever again it will get real mushy real fast.

We'll see, Im doing it tomorrow. 

I just really did not want to do this to her, Who wants to hurt the person they love? I'm sure there's not a lot of hands in the air right now, Is there?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I feel for you and your wife. 

Your wife was raised with no boundaries, so she has none now. 

She sees this behavior as “normal”, even acceptable. You can see now why your grandmother kicked her out so many years ago. This an issue that is infecting your entire family.

I have a few, very few, family members who are toxic. Thank goodness I learned a long time ago that the only thing that makes sense is to cut them out of my life and the lives of my children.

I’m going to give you a bit of a hard time here. When your MIL way ‘dying’ on your floor, you left and went to a hotel room. Really? You left your children in a situation that you would not stay in? What were you thinking. Next time, if there is a next time, do something that protects your children. 1) Take your children with you to the hotel. Or 2) Call an ambulance and let them take the dying woman to a hospital. OR 3) You rent a hotel room for the inlaws to stay in. 

IMHO, you have to stay with your wife because you cannot allow your children to be solely under her supervision. She does not make good choices as to whom she exposes them to. She puts her children in danger. And quite honestly you have been allowing it.

It sounds like your MIL is not going to last much longer. So you will not have her to worry about. If your MIL was a good person and loving to your wife, then considering her family as family would make senses. But under the circumstances you are right that you all should have nothing to do with him.

Put your foot down about your children going to visit your MIL’s family. Absolutely do not allow it. If your wife insists on visiting them, she can go on her own.

You and your wife should never allow your MIL or FIL in your house again. Clearly they disregard any rules against them coming over when drunk/high.. so I would just assume that they are drunk/high all the time. If you are going to see them, see them in a safe public place.. like a restaurant where you can leave the minute you see a problem. Do not ever allow them any time unsupervised with your children. That goes for the rest of the family nut cases.

You have to very clearly tell your wife that you and your children will no longer interact with the part of her family who are drunkards, addicts, criminals and so forth. Quit being so nice and stand up to this. It’s hard but you have no choice but to do it.

You said that your wedding was at your wife’s aunt’s house. I assume this is one of the few rational, non-addicted members of the clan? If it is and if she has cut herself mostly off from the nutcase side of the family, why not seek advice and support from her to help our wife learn to set boundaries.

I also highly recommend that you and your wife attend Al-Anon meetings. There is also an organization for drug users.. Nar-Anon. They can help both of you learn how to implement tough love with your wife’s family. 
Boy do I feel for you.


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Your right, I have been way to nice. And its funny I usually think of myself as someone that doesn't take any crap from anyone.

I didn't mean she was actually dieing right there, But it sure sounded like it all night long. And your right, That was a bad decision on my part I should have just got them a hotel and i have no idea why that didn't cross my mind. Probably cause I was to busy being pissed at my wife and so unfocused as to come up with a smart level headed solution. 

Good post Ele, Thanks for making me think a little deeper I need it right now. Honestly though, I do have anger issues and I suppress it and that's where a lot of my balls went. 

I'm not scared to stand up to anyone or of confrontation in general, So its not that. Its simply my fear of hurting her, Shes really been through a lot and I hate adding to the list.

BTW. The aunts house where we were married, Yea shes a lesbian too. That's her bio moms sister, So it wasn't a real shocker to find out her bio mom had went that route as well.

I really don't know how to feel about the gay thing, I always thought it was stupid how people turn their sexual preference into this larger than lifestyle. Im like, Just shut the F up and be gay. You dont see me prancing around cause i'm straight demanding extra rights from congress cause I like vagina. 

Its ridiculous. But I am a very to each their own guy. I dont actually care about sexual preference it doesn't offend me But regarding my kids, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Is their grandma a bad influence because she likes vagina too? She's not flamboyant and by looking at her you wouldn't know,So there's no outward influence there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chewy said:


> Your right, I have been way to nice. And its funny I usually think of myself as someone that doesn't take any crap from anyone.
> 
> I didn't mean she was actually dieing right there, But it sure sounded like it all night long. And your right, That was a bad decision on my part I should have just got them a hotel and i have no idea why that didn't cross my mind. Probably cause I was to busy being pissed at my wife and so unfocused as to come up with a smart level headed solution.
> 
> ...


I understood that your MIL was not actually dying. But even if she was not, even if she was putting on a show, calling an ambulance is a great way to get her out of the house.

While your wife will suffer some emotional pain for having to cut her family off, in the long run she will grow to be much stronger. With your children she has to learn to set boundaries and protect them.

You might want to cal Al-Anon or a counselor and set up a meeting or intervention where they help you make the points to your wife that need to be made. It sounds to me like your wife is a good hearted woman who was raised by some real low life. They taught her to be co-dependent… to think of them their needs and not her own. They taught her to take responsibility for them and not herself. She needs help in ending this co-dependency. 

I know how hard it is to break ties with family, to even kick them out of your house. I’ve had to learn to do it. But you can do it and you can help your wife learn that doing this is more loving to the extended family than putting up with their nonsense. People who are out of control need to be told over and over that their behavior is not acceptable so in their current state no one wants them around. It helps them hit bottom sooner. They need to hit bottom before they will get the help they need. And if they never do hit bottom, you , your wife and your family should not be around them.

Is your wife still religious? Does she put faith in the Bible? If she does, there are verses about how to handle people who do bad things.. .you tell them 3 times, you bring others to tell them what they are doing wrong. If they do not listen and do not change than you cut them out of your life. 
Good luck.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

At the very least, see an attorney and make sure you have paperwork indicating that under no circumstances should you, your wife, or your children be put under custody/guardianship of her relatives. Imagine the scenario if something happens to you and your wife takes the kids and goes to her family, or something happens to both of you and the kids go to her family.

Essential paperwork and an attorney's name on your license written on the back as in case of emergency is a very good idea.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> Suit yourself. I only made that suggestion because you will get more responses when you do not post novels. No need to get petulant and angry about a reasonable request.
> 
> You are NOT being a controlling jerk if you are trying to protect your children from trauma and being abused. I hope your wife is not trying to shift the blame on you.


I read it just fine. OP my mother-in-law is a compulsive liar. She will do anything for the almighty dollar. She ruined my husband's childhood by cheating on his dad when he was a toddler, getting dumped and losing custody. She then kidnapped my husband and moved countries with an abusive stepfather. He lost 35 years of knowing his dad because of her. Every once in awhile she pulls another stunt and my husband doesn't talk to her awhile and I get hope that he is done. He NEVER is done.
I don't know if your wife will ever get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Wow lol. That last sentence made me laugh cause you are spot on and that sentence really sums up what kind of father I want to be for my children.

I can tell you know your stuff daff, Everything you said was really smart, Im 34 and I'm really just starting to organize my life and that post was extremely helpful as a note of the things I need to organize and the stance I need to take. Hard firm, yep.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

As promised, the family trance from the book "The Primal Wound" by John Firman and Ann Gila. It helped my wife and I confirm what we already suspected, but thought we were crazy for thinking!

"The family trance is a hypnotic state, an addictive thrall, that has its roots in the family of origin and early environment. In the family trance-the fount of all other trances-the family is the unifying center that forces the constricted identification or role upon the family member. To be in the trance is to be so completely identified with one’s role in the family, so identified with the values and world view of the family, that important aspects of one’s own personal experience remain unconscious. The trance is ultimately the family demanding compliance rather than authenticity, demanding conformity rather than free will, and no small vulnerable child has the ability to say “No” to this."


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## Chewy (May 22, 2012)

Hey Everybody, Its been awhile.

So I went ahead and laid down the law right after I started this thread and she didn't have much to say except she wanted us to go talk with the pastor that married us about it, So we did. 

The pastor listened to both sides and took mine. I just went in there and told him straight up, I'm not putting up with this sh!t anymore. 

She still to this day has not told her parents that any of this went down, Shes ducking and dodging it at every turn. I think shes afraid to stand up to them and I told her I would tell them and she was not willing to let me do it. But I may just do it anyways given the opportunity.

So now were into a new mess and of course it goes back to her degenerate dad. 

Let me tell you guys something about me, I have been loyal to two women in my entire life. My first love and my wife, Every women in between I was unfaithful to and my wife knows this.

I told her after we got married that when we first got back together I made a conscious decision to be loyal to her. I did not want to hurt her or ruin the chance of us taking the relationship to the next level, Which we did. She was the moment in my life that I wanted to have a REAL relationship.

I knew if I cheated that it would eventually end because I was not willing to live the rest of my life hiding a lie like that. After 7 years of marriage i'm still not willing to cheat on her or on my children. I'm as loyal to her and them as a man can possibly be and sex with other women just does not interest me. I love being hers. 

With that being said, Her Dad was a cheater. She grew up seeing this and that sowed distrust for men in her heart. She swears she trusts me but her actions says she doesn't. She swears this relationship is everything to her.

So tonight, were arguing about my twitter acct. that I setup to promote my music and production company. Yes I talk to a plethora of men and women on twitter. Along with that, There are a few artists here at home and around the country that I found interest in producing and one just so happens to be female. 

If you ask her today, Shes fine with it. Tomorrow, Im seeking out other women. Those are her exact words and she didnt mean seeking out other women to record and shop to record labels or sign to publishing deals. She means the OTHER seeking out. Then all the sudden, I dont talk to her about anything, I dont tell her about my day, I dont do anything when I get home and our whole life has been this one big argument. 

I'm just blown away, Like wow! Really? What planet are you living on? She gets in these modes where an argument turns to tunnel vision and everything I ever done for this family gets blacked out and the only thing she sees is this argument and every other argument we have ever had relating to this topic that I don't remember.

When she said im seeking out other women, It broke my heart. I know shes jealous but wow! Shes threatened by any vagina within a 16,000 mile radius. Yosaki could say Hi to me from Japan, and she would instantly be threatened and turn the wrath on me. She knows Yosaki is a fan who looks up to me being an American artist and there's no way in gods green earth that this girl could ever even come close to meeting me, Yet shes still threatened. And yea all the girl did was say Hi or good morning. 

By the way, I support my family on music, So much so that she doesn't have to work and hasen't worked sense she became pregnant with my daughter 6 months after we were married. That was over 6 years ago.

I'm honest with her. I will NEVER cheat and this sh!t is HER problem, not mine. And i'm married, not dead. I do enjoy the company of other women from time to time. The COMPANY, not sex.

I'm pretty messed up over this.


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## FUEGO (Aug 17, 2010)

I am with you man. Your story is similar to mine.



Chewy said:


> Well its going to be a long read and I understand if most of you don't want to take the time. For those of you that do take the time to read this, Thank you.
> 
> I remember the first time I saw my wife, I was 16 and she was 14 and from the first time we locked eyes there was something there. I would say that its as close to love at first sight as I have ever experienced, Except for the fact that she was with one of my best friends for a year after I first met her but even when she was with him she would give me those eyes when I was around.
> 
> ...


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

#1:Your wife needs some serious counselling
#2:If you're as concerned as you say you are about the effects of her family on your children (and I agree they should not be exposed to such a toxic family environment) then you wouldn't even think about leaving, and leaving them with her. If you go, they go with you. But until then, you have every right- and responsibility- as a father to put your foot down and say hell no, those degenerates will not be in our children's lives. Period.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You knew about her family a long time ago and you should have known that you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. With that said, when you married her, you knew that her family would be in the picture and sooner or later the price would have to be paid when this problem reared it's ugly head. 

I know from what you said you love her but she has to realize that she can only do so much and that her family, you and the kids have to come first. If she can't understand that, then your in for a real trip. It's already started and she has to understand that at some point in time, she has to make a decision. Either her husband and children or her family, but you had to know that this was something that was going to come up eventually. That is something you should have thought of before you married her.


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