# Feeling clingy, how do I stop??



## ocnnurse (Sep 14, 2010)

Okay, I never post stuff anytime anywhere but... We moved from my hometown about two years ago and I've yet to make any good friends. My husband of two years however very easily makes friends. We both work about an hour away from where we live, so our "work friends" are usually about that far away if we want to get together with them. This is my first marriage, I was single all through my twenties and into my thirties, I only say this because I view myself as an independant, successful woman. I never felt I "needed" a man to make me happy... then I got married. Now whenever he wants to do something on the weekends with his buddies I feel like I go into a tailspin!! How dare he leave me alone?? Doesn't he want to spend time with me?? These are the questions that go shooting through my head, and I hate it!! We should be able to have our own things and interests but I feel like he's my only friend and source of contentment now adays, so I feel betrayed when he doesn't feel the same. Anyone out there ever feel the same?? Any advice?? Thank you!!


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

I have often found myself feeling like you do. We live hundreds of miles away from all of my friends and while I do get along well with almost anyone, I am also very particular about whom I spend time with. So I dont have too many people whom I would call friend. My husband on the other hand has his best friend since 7th grade, that lives less than a mile from us and all of his buddies from work are relatively local as well. 

You have got to find at least some social groups to partake in, don't let your lack of interaction with others effect your marriage. Check your local paper for events or perhaps the church bulletin if you guys attend church, and if not maybe that would be a good avenue for you to meet folks as well.

I found some craft groups that meet a few times a month and enjoy going to those when I can. Not really friends but you get adult interaction and learn some stuff you can do at home for fun with the kids. 

It is important that people still be able to have seperate times without feeling or making the other party feel neglected , at the same time your husband shouldn't be spending every weekend away from you. Have you talked to him about how you feel?


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Don't worry. You are completely normal and definitely not alone when it comes to the way you are feeling right now.

A good thing for you and your husband to know is, "You can't control your emotions or how you feel about things, but you can control how you react to them."

Don't be ashamed that you feel jealous and lonely when he goes out and does these things. Often times, there is a reason for them, especially if it's not every single time he goes out! If it's because you've been feeling neglected, well, he has to know it and accept that fact. Then you two have to decide on how to deal with it.

I live out on in a college town where my husband has been attending the schools in the area a lot longer than I have. I'm picky with my friends and often find I prefer to spend time with my husband over the people I've met through work and classes. I'm comfortable with that - however, my husband is a big fan of having friends. Lots and lots of friends. And spending time with them. Which means some Friday nights I'm without a playmate!

Dealing with it was hard at first, since I was embarressed and felt clingy until we attended marriage counseling. We learned that phrase and I was able to tell him, "Sometimes I'll feel a certain way and there's really nothing you can say or do to change it." So, sometimes when I get a call at work and he tells me he'll be going out with his friends to a movie, sure I'll feel left out and bummed I'm stuck at work - but I'd feel worse if I told him he had to sit at home and not go because I couldn't be there.

So I just say, "I would really have liked to go with you guys, but I can't because I have other responsibilities that need to come first."

and you know what his reply was?

"Well, I can wait another day to go with you. Or I'll go again to see it with you!"

Great compromise which before he would've been like, "That's too bad, I'll see you when you get home, BYE!"

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's time for a talk. Just sit him down (hold his hands, you can't be mad at someone when you're holding hands) and tell him you've been feeling left out lately and you'd like to spend more time with just you and him on some weekends. Or whatever it is you want to do. 
You have to know what it is you want, otherwise you'll just confuse him or frustrate him.

Men respond to logic more often than emotion. Sure, crying can elicit a response, but it's often one of panic and guilt - not one of calm understanding.

One of the things my husband expressed to me before and during our counseling is that he wished I would get more friends of my own so I wouldn't rely so heavily on him for entertainment. I agree he's right and until I find those type of friends, I do my best to enjoy my alone time (within reason). If I can't visit my family, I go to the bookstore, the mall, or something I can enjoy doing on my own.

You two should have some time spent together too and while he should have time with his own friends - you should be his number one friend now. You are his wife!

Talk! Hold hands! It will work out! Let us know how it goes!


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## ocnnurse (Sep 14, 2010)

Thank you both for your responses. It really helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings. In my experience marriage is just so different from any long term relationship I've ever had, it's been a very big adjustment these last two years just in the compromising, learning how to be a sane step mother, and feeling like the one that has to keep everything in the house running. So when I start to feel like my husband is the source of either my happiness or unhappiness it scares me that he potentially has that much control over my emotions. I have to remind myself sometimes to go with logic over emotions and TALK instead of react. I did talk with him last night and asked that maybe instead of spending all evening (when really between his daughter and both our full time jobs, we only get one full evening on Sat to be together) maybe he could get together with his friends on Sunday or Sat during the day. He was agreeable. I really would like to find some friends that have some of the same interests, I too am picky of how I spend my time and who with. And I've found as I get older that most of my good friends have come from either high school or college, you get to know each other slowly over time and now unless you find some friends at work it's really hard to meet people. Anyway... thank you so much for responding it really help. Happy Tuesday to you both!


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