# I'm boring and no fun.



## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Seriously, I am. Sorry for a long post.

Well, my wife says I'm "funny," which is not something I'd describe myself as, but I'm not a class-clown type who always has to say "funny" stuff b/c daddy was never home.

I don't know, I just have trouble figuring out how to "have fun" and I think this has been one of the bigger problems in my marriage, especially when fun and money start mixing.

Before I was married "fun" usually involved, well, never mind. Anyway those are obviously not "fun" things, those were "trying to distract myself from deep-seated emotional pain" things.

At some point I really think I lost the plot to my own story. Also I am turning into my father, something I never wanted to do. If I had an afternoon to do whatever I wanted, it would be to clean the yard, clean the house, do some researching and writing, maybe go exercise, and make car repairs.

The problem is that I've set this up against things my wife wants to do, which are things like hiking, going to swimming holes, having a glass of wine in the middle of the afternoon etc. She'd want to go on a day trip somewhere... It always has to be 'somewhere else'. We can't take the dog out to a field just down the street, or a park a few miles away, we have to take him to some trail seventy miles away for it to be "fun".

If you all want to think of this as a 'fitness test', it works like this:

1. She wants me to go somewhere with her. I let her know I really feel like staying at home. Then she goes by herself and resents me for it.

2. She says she wants me to go somewhere with her. I agree to go. We get there and even though I'm not pouting, being sad, etc., she gets upset with me because I'm not bubbling over with enthusiasm: "We have nothing in common I want a divorce" etc. I ignore her when she does this, except when "nothing in common" means that we just spent too much money on plane tickets and are broke... No less than three mental health professionals have told her that if I'm doing something with her that I wasn't my idea to do, and being reasonably cheerful about it and participating, that she really can't complain when I'm not super-excited...

That's not a fitness test, it's a double-bind, *unless* I'm missing something, which probably is:

3. She wants me to tell her "no, i have stuff I want to do at home, and BTW, you have to stay here while I'm out repaving the driveway" and then take the battery out of the car and hide it. Because unlawful imprisonment it totally manning up, yo.

4. Why the hell can't I ever think of anything I want to do for fun? Why the hell is it never important to me enough to drag my wife along even if she says no? Why can't I find anything that matters enough to cancel her plans over and make her go with me? I feel like on a scale of 1 to 10 the "fun" things I want are a 2 on the fun scale and a 3 on the how-interested-i-really-am scale. "Pack your bags, we're going to the new tile museum!"


I'm pretty sure #4 is the only thing left and I need to plan a trip to the tile museum even if it sucks, because I never plan anything fun. And if she's still a brat about it, then it's not me being "unfit", it's her pretending that her issues are my fault. This is the last excuse I'm making for myself in this post: Part of the damn problem I've got is that a really slow processor upstairs. Like I just realized that there was a movie playing that I actually wanted to see (fun). But my wife is already gone to visit friends for the day. I would have had no problem canceling her plans to take her... Except I only just came up with the damn idea. I need a lot of downtime to come up with stuff! Does anyone have any suggestions? Do I need to just sit down Monday morning and come up with ideas for the weekend?
:scratchhead:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

LOL. Your post reminded me of my marriage. Only I was in your shoes and my estranged husband was the "fun" person. I could spend an eternity working around the house, farm, or yard. That was "fun" to me. I simply wanted someone to do those things with me. My estranged husband's idea of "fun" was partying, shopping, traveling, going to concerts, and basically anything which a 19 year old would find appealing. 

I guess I'm there with you....boring....and I like it. I did one thing which seemed to work. I asked my estranged husband to make a list of things he wanted to do. Then I did the same thing. That did lead to some fun compromise outings. For example, both of us enjoy a number of comedians. We found tickets to some appearing within 150 miles of us. We then made a weekend of it with a nice hotel and dining out included. That was few and far between though....which is probably one reason why I'm getting a divorce.

Hope you figure out how to become a "fun" person and actually enjoy it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm going to give you my take on your problem, since I was married to the quintessential introvert. He liked staying home, reading non-fiction, gardening, and watching classic movies. In the eight years we were together, he had two ideas that were mutually enjoyable for us. Other than that, I initiated our outings, day trips, vacations. Fortunately, we both enjoyed Civil War battle re-enactments, but I had to make the room reservations, get the dates ... well, you get my drift.

Your wife sounds like an extrovert, whereas you are an introvert. Nothing wrong with that; however, it sounds like she is somewhat set on getting you to be a CONVERT. From what I'm reading in your post, you are a solid guy. Okay, so you are not busting out laughing on a nature hike and singing "Kumbiya." Big stinkin' deal.

That doesn't mean you are boring and no fun. That's your wife's take on you. How do you really, really feel about yourself? Again, just my take on your situation, but it sounds like you have simple tastes, would enjoy taking the dog to the LOCAL dog park, and you enjoy puttering around the house.

I frequently did things alone that my husband didn't care to do. No problem. I enjoyed doing what I did and didn't hold a grudge against him just because he preferred to read a book while I was out visiting antique stores, or taking drives in the country.

If you've had three counselors agree that you're not the major problem here, then you should seriously consider just putting your cards on the table and having "the big talk" with your wife. 

For what it's worth, I don't care for people who toss around the "D-word" (as in D-I-V-O-R-C-E). If she wants a divorce so bad, then heck, sit down and tell her to get one and go find some dazzlingly fun wild-and-crazy guy who wants to dance the night away.

Sorry, I'm not trying to sound flippant about this. It IS your marriage, and marriage is a serious undertaking. It's up to you as to how you want to deal with this, because it sounds like your wife ain't gonna change ...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

827Aug said:


> LOL. Your post reminded me of my marriage. Only I was in your shoes and my estranged husband was the "fun" person. I could spend an eternity working around the house, farm, or yard. That was "fun" to me. I simply wanted someone to do those things with me. My estranged husband's idea of "fun" was partying, shopping, traveling, going to concerts, and basically anything which a 19 year old would find appealing.


Wow. You are my husband and I'm YOUR husband. I'd love to meet him.  He sounds like my kind of guy! :smthumbup:

"Anything which a 19 year old would find appealing". Yeah, that about sums it up! :iagree:

For awhile my husband and I did do things together after years of doing it all apart. But things have fallen apart and he just wants to stay home and have sit on his porch and watch drink and smoke. His idea of fun now is to watch a movie. Yuck. 

Ideally, I'd like to have the fun version of my husband back but I'm not holding my breath. I tried everything to try and turn him back into what he was. I begged, I pleaded, I tried to accommodate him. Nothing worked.

When we were together, I was ALWAYS the one who planned everything, I was the one who found things to do, asked him to things, planned our trips, vacations, etc. I eventually I just resigned myself to it. If he was willing to go along then it was good enough. I don't think this is something you can change or instill this in a person. Either they have that "Type A" personality or they don't. 

So what do you do aside from going your separate ways? I guess if you love the person and they are great otherwise you work around it and compromise. Maybe stay home and watch the movie one night and go on a date out on the town another?

If you are me, you just say "Whatever" and go out and have fun on your own. Fortunately I always tend to meet people and make my own good time regardless of whether I have company or not. 

I don't mind staying home...I do it a lot more now that I ENJOY being home and it's not stressful but on nice weekends and/or weekend evenings I want to be OUT and ABOUT. I don't think it makes me more interesting..just different from the homebody who doesn't mind taking in a movie or puttering around the house. 

Wanting to stay home and chill out in your own background isn't "boring". It's just different from someone like me. IMO there's no right or wrong, just different. But if two very different people are in a relationship then you can have a problem. Like mixing the proverbial oil and vinegar.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> For what it's worth, I don't care for people who toss around the "D-word" (as in D-I-V-O-R-C-E).



IMO, the threat of "Divorce" is a serious one. It shouldn't be thrown around carelessly.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow. You are my husband and I'm YOUR husband. I'd love to meet him.  He sounds like my kind of guy! :smthumbup:


I really think you should read my threads! lol That "fun" has me living in a nightmare. I'll be glad when I can go back to living just plain "boring".

less_disgruntled, sorry for hijacking your thread. I just had to comment on that one. "Fun" is not what all it is cracked up to be. The point is, I'm content with my life. It's not boring to me. It doesn't sound as though you find your life boring either. I'm not even sure you can tie these two words to introvert/extrovert classifications. People are simply different and enjoy doing different things.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's not a Fitness Test, she has a genuine need for stimulation that is higher than yours.

She's just "higher maintenance" than you are and wants a playmate. If you aren't willing to be a playmate to her, you run the risk of her finding other playmates.

Think up a bunch of things to do with her and list them. Start going through the list. Do some stuff you like and some stuff she likes.

You will find that if you have a shared fun activity together, it will give her enough of a dopamine response to trigger her sexual interest in you more.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> Your wife sounds like an extrovert, whereas you are an introvert. Nothing wrong with that; however, it sounds like she is somewhat set on getting you to be a CONVERT.


I'm no innocent here.

I score extroverted on most inventories I take. I like spending time with people, and partying, etc. Or did. My wife tells me that I'm able to interact and engage w/ people when we go out together w/out clinging to her and that she didn't have this w/ her ex. Though to be honest I rarely feel welcome, but I realize that's a personal neurosis of mine.

And I would love if my wife was like, "hey, let's stay out until 6AM!" sometimes. But she's asleep by 930.

But I do feel a lot of pressure to "convert".

Sometimes I feel like she is trying to recapture something from her past and resentful of me for not being like her old friends, and to be honest there have been many times I wonder why she even moved out of her old community. I don't mean in the sense of her getting mad at me and looking at old pictures--I mean that I've always felt this about her.



> That doesn't mean you are boring and no fun. That's your wife's take on you. How do you really, really feel about yourself?


I kind of feel like she's right about me never wanting to "do" anything. Right now I am eating oatmeal on the couch, then taking the dog somewhere to work on his off-leash training. I'll come home, pretend to do some chores, go to the gym then go to the library and pretend to work on my thesis.

That's why I think she's got a point. Most of that list is "me" stuff.

I'm thinking we've both been pretty selfish. I just don't know that my wife feels that way, nor should she...



> If you've had three counselors agree that you're not the major problem here, then you should seriously consider just putting your cards on the table and having "the big talk" with your wife.


...because I definitely have plenty of other damn problems, hence the counselors. I've been personally responsible for a lot of hurt, and my actions, my attitudes and things I have said have been wrong. I know that much of my rejection of her "fun" has been me being needlessly aggressive and even belittling. I know an acceptance of my responsibility doesn't guarantee anything. I'm know that one of the hurts I've caused has been to neglect my wife's need for fun stuff. Time and again she has mentioned how much she loves to travel and go outside, etc., ever since we've been together.

So much of what I feel is guilt and is the painful sort of learning that only comes from having 'sobered up' (I am not and nor have ever been a drunk or addict) and stopped being so damn selfish.

But I feel like I've woken up to someone else's selfishness.

At the same time I've let her know that there are things I like that we could share, but she's been as blockheaded about it as I have about her. I feel like she's asked me what I want to do this weekend and I say "Well, I really need to spend a long block of time writing my thesis" and she hears "I don't have time for you". And there have been more than a few times where she's used her need for fun stuff to avoid intimacy and compromise.

So the big problem is--I have no idea what's fair. I don't know how much to make amends by giving her what she wants, and how much to insist that we do 'us' things as fun. I'm not sitting here with analysis paralysis (well i am ATM) but I can use guidance.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Atholk said:


> It's not a Fitness Test, she has a genuine need for stimulation that is higher than yours.
> 
> She's just "higher maintenance" than you are and wants a playmate. If you aren't willing to be a playmate to her, you run the risk of her finding other playmates.
> 
> ...


I'm usually wary of explanations that involve neurochemistry but this seems spot-on.

Sometimes I guess we're all too stupid to see outside our little perspectives.

Also probably explains why she is more interested in me when I am "nicer" to her instead of "manning up", b/c I think I've got the Distant and Disapproving Father Figure thing down pretty good already.

And isn't housework supposed to aide dopamine production? Why isn't she at home resurfacing the floor right now? Why is there no Desoxyn prescription in this household?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--

i guess i dont understand whats so great about being in the house...im in here for dinner, to sleep, and for breakfast....what more is there..??

the house dosent need me to babysit it...it will be ok. i want to go outside in the sun, in the moon light...the city looks so different during the nite with all the city lights on.

how can you just sit in the house day after day??? thats like prison...whats wrong with an outdoor concert, most are free...i dont like clubbing, but i like riding in the car with the radio blasting...and yes walking 2 blocks isnt going out...going on an adventure...thats going out.

whats wrong with going to a different mall or a new best buy a few citys over?? why not google cold stone creamery, and going to that one this week, then that one next week....

leave the house. it will miss you and jump up and down when you return....ok no, but there is nothing better then getting all pretty and going out, then returning home all tired and full of memories.

as a chick, i need to dress and put on make-up, and go out with my man. if i didnt i would be scared of turning in a frump....i need to feel pretty, and i like my husband to desire me, and walk beside me with his head held high...not hung in embarasment. 

this is one of those things, like a sex drive...if you forget to get beautiful, and forget our husbands are worth it...and so are we...

i think we forget to be women, and stay in "wife" and "mother" mode for so long, that we forget our worth...llisten to alica keys sing a womans worth.

it is a big world out there...but are you going to sit in the house scared watchin cnn??? go out to the book store and get coffee and cheese cake, or a pannini. there is nothing wrong with being important to you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think this is one of those situations that requires compromise. You need to do some of what she wants, and she needs to do some of what you want, even if what you want is "boring" or "no fun." 

I would sit her down and talk to her honestly. I'd tell her that you're willing to do some of what she wants if she'll do some of what you want. Tell her what some of the things you would want are, even if all they are is sitting at home watching a movie or doing some yardwork. 

At that point, if she doesn't understand, it might honestly be better for you two to consider whether or not staying together is really a good idea. You are who you are, and she is who she is. There's nothing wrong with either of you, you're just different and if neither of you is happy with the way things are...that's not fair to either of you. And neither of you should have to change. Compromise is one thing, but to completely change who you are to satisfy the other person isn't right.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

If you really do not know what is fun for you, well... I think that is your issue to deal with. If you don't know then she surely doesn't. Maybe she is just trying to find something you can do together that WILL be fin for you and all she has to go on is what SHE enjoys since you are not sure yourself what you like. 

If you DO have something that you find genuinely FUN to do, invite her in. If you truly just have seperate interests, then you have to find some compromise to something you can at least enjoy together. It does not have to be widely crazy, just together and enjoyable. With nothing together... then yes, she will resent the fact that she has nothing to share with you. Everyone likes to have memories of good times with their SO, maybe that is what she is looking for. 

It's up to you to find out what will float your boat, then work from there.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you should remember back to when you were first together and the effort you made for her. Surely you enjoyed being with her and doing some things outside the home. Make compromises and a genuine effort to let go and have fun when you do do things outside the home and ask her to make a genuine effort to enjoy things at home with you.

You can't change her but you can make her feel valued loved and worth the effort, perhaps if you do these things then she will feel closer to you and enjoy just being at home with you more.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

less_disgruntled said:


> I'm usually wary of explanations that involve neurochemistry but this seems spot-on.
> 
> Sometimes I guess we're all too stupid to see outside our little perspectives.
> 
> ...


Housework will not aid dopamine production.

Think "****y and funny", engaging, playful, instigating. Dopamine is a response to novel, interesting, fun, exciting, scary, intensity.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I have a short list of 3 activities - none of which cost anything - all of which are fun - that saturate my W in dopamine. Once there - she not only likes sex - she likes CRAZY sex. 

Less_d,
Dopamine is your friend. 




less_disgruntled said:


> I'm usually wary of explanations that involve neurochemistry but this seems spot-on.
> 
> Sometimes I guess we're all too stupid to see outside our little perspectives.
> 
> ...


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Housework will not aid dopamine production.
> 
> Think "****y and funny", engaging, playful, instigating. Dopamine is a response to novel, interesting, fun, exciting, scary, intensity.


Geez, I already have some of those. I'm imaginative and funny, I think. "Scary" is not good. I guess that gets boring though? 

But dopamine def. aides housework completion. Ahem.

Three activities:

exercise
kittens--toxoplasmosis
eating(?) (not free)
driving dangerously
cocaine (def. not free)
killing walking the the dog
sunlight?


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Actually, when I got home last night, I saw that my wife/roommate had left the map light on in her car. Again. I blew the **** up (outside, to myself, on the sidewalk, at 3am).

I thought I was "boring". I know I can be. But I had spoken w/ my dad (usually a bad idea) and he reminded me of some things he had seen before, specifically, that, in fact, I did come up w/ ideas for stuff I wanted to do w/ my wife--she just wasn't into them.

So I sat down and made a list of stuff that I was feeling some resentment about. The first couple things were just my own ****. Like I let my wife pick the place we went for my birthday and even though I had a good time and was friendly etc. I was hungry afterwards b/c it was too damn expensive and I was kind of irritated listening to her talk about how "satisfying" it was to spend two weeks' grocery money on a tiny meal, I let her get so drunk before we got seated that I knew I'd have to drive back home. That's my fault.

But she's a brat. Kind of all there is to it. Things go 100% her way or they don't count.

But then it got to "Hey remember when we were a little younger how every time I said we should walk to the park you told me you didn't want to go there b/c you didn't like it? You know that I actually liked that place, even though I'd rather do something else with the time, and that I knew you liked doing stuff outside and was trying to find stuff we could share, right? You know when I made us go and you say stuff like 'I don't like it b/c it smells like a fart' or 'there are too many Polish people here' it's you being pushy, right?"



> Becoming more fun/reliable/calm/effective while SLOWLY being less available - that sends a message. This whole "total focus" on what your W wants creates a warm/hot house and a lot of squabbling.


Thing was, on a scale of 1 to 10, my interest in doing this stuff was about a 4 or 5. Maybe a 3? It's take-it-or-leave-it stuff and I didn't want to push it on anybody who didn't want to do it--I can take care of myself in my own time. But my wife, everything she wants is a 7 or 8, and things she doesn't want are a 1. I really wish I had understood this dynamic better earlier, b/c it's become toxic. It's a bunch of layers of control I'd never even seen, partly b/c I'm so used to taking care of stuff on my own. I was just going around thinking there was something wrong with me.

I guess I'm just not that "self-aware". I mean how do you protect a boundary that has been crossed if you don't know it's been crossed? I wish I'd figured this out earlier and hadn't spent, like, most of my life in a fog. Junkies say that too once they sober up and realize where, in fact, they are. Damn, I sound like a 12-stepper. I gotta stop.

IDK how to break that dynamic. We found a Mexican place I liked and felt comfortable going to eat b/c it was AFFORDABLE. I don't whine when my wife wants to go eat somewhere that costs $70/plate even though it makes me panic. But the dozen times or so she's wanted to do something and I've suggested going to this Mexican place all I do is hear about how there was poop in the bathroom. Yeah, I hope so.

But I'm already on thin ice here. I've got to go and do something otherwise something else goes into the resentment catalog. But I'd have to physically kidnap her to get her to go somewhere I want.

...which I think is what I'll have to do. When things calm down. If they do. And if those efforts fail--b/c I'm pretty damn sure she'd pitch a fit if I surprised her with my solution, she has before--well, so what, I did the right thing. I think.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Keep working on it!!! There is a good chance things will get a lot better with MC. Where you are at, its hard to not see the worst in your wife all the time. It will be very rocky and hard in the mean time. Talk about this stuff in MC, but IT WILL TAKE A LOT OF TIME to unravel it all.

Stay strong and best of luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just face it shes a spoiled little girl!

she acts like my 5yr old when he don't get his way he cries and cries and getts louder louder trying to bother everyone around him until he gets his way (no I don't let him get away with it)

thats what she is doing if you sugest something she don't like she make snide comments and acts poorly because she didn't get her way.and then next time you will say its not worth it because she will ruin it for me so you let her have her way.

The only way aroud it is to call her on it every time like she is 5 yrs old.

the comment in the resturant where she said theres poop in the bathroom.I would have said wheres your manners I'm trying to eat and thats not cool talking about stuff like that. and she would have responded well I can't help it if this place is dirty you are the one that picked it.

Thats when you call her on it ....by saying the only reason your acting this way is because you didn't get your way everytime we go out I let you pick and when I want to try something all I get is your baby attitude and I'm sick of it if you don't start acting like a grown up then I don't want to be with you. Do not back down you are right to feel this way and if she blows a gasket then leave.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

I'm moving this to the thread I have on my separation, b/c I am posting like a speed freak. I really need to pull my concentration together and get some **** done at home and on my research.

*MORAL*: If you feel like you're too boring for your spouse... it means you have to make them participate in the "boring" things you like (wait, you mean you like stuff?), too.


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