# Two Alcoholics: One Newly Sober



## rainbow12

After years of heavy drinking and many attempts at moderating my drinking, I finally realized that the only way to save my health was to go cold turkey.

With the help of a fantastic online forum, I have been sober since January 1st of this year. Almost 6 months! When I first quit, I thought I would just take a 30-day breather like usual. Sober for one month, then back to the heavy drinking. This time, I realized how great I feel and how many opportunities I've let slide because I lacked motivation and ability. Too many hangovers and unfulfilled promises. So I've continued my effort to move beyond alcohol altogether.

Now, my marriage of 16 years is seriously on the rocks (excuse the pun!). The main issue? I'm sober and he's afraid I'll leave him because he still drinks. We definitely do not get along when he's had a lot to drink, and yes, I'm too sober to relate and want to do something else.

Any experience with this? Advice? He will not go to therapy with me or alone. I have been, to deal with all the feelings that go with quitting drinking and also the "what's next" questions.


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## Cherry

Congrats on your sobriety! I'm newly sober too - just over 7 months and you are right, it's a great feeling. I did pretty much like you, just decided I would take a breather. I never went back either and I love it!

On to your situation. I really don't have experience with this, as my H has agreed to no alcohol in the house and neither of us have a desire to drink. I might start with an AA meeting first and find out if they would suggest alanon meetings for your particular situation. Does your H admittedly have a problem with drinking? Do you think it's a threat to your own sobriety (being around it all the time)? You mention he's afraid you will leave him over his drinking, does he have a reason to be afraid, have you told him you will?


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## rainbow12

Hi Cherry, I was wondering if anyone would respond. Is this site more about reading than posting? Lots of views, but no advice.

Interesting that you don't have alcohol in your home. That really wasn't an option with my husband, even when he stopped for his annual 30-day breather. 

My husband admits he has a problem, just like I did. But he doesn't think it's that bad of a problem because he's addicted but hasn't hit bottom. I didn't get into trouble or anything, but observed that I was drinking more and suffering through the consequences of hangovers. 

I have not told him that I will leave him. It's pure projection, because he does not believe that a drinker and a non-drinker can co-exist. I am starting to wonder if he's right.


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## Cherry

This section isn't as busy as some others (sex, infidelity, general)...

My H never had a problem with alcohol per say, except the hard stuff -- he would get mean. His DOC is the harder stuff, crack. So he didn't have a problem agreeing to it, he wanted me to stop drinking, except he still does miss the uninhibited sex. I assured him that we have a lifetime together and certain things are not off the table for good, I just need to build up to the level of being comfortable enough to do some things he really likes, sober. 

Only time will tell for y'all if you're able to co-exist, or perhaps he will decide to stop one day too. I can tell you from my perspective that I have a hard time relating to my friends/family who still drink excessively. I can't really talk to them after a certain time at night, or I don't want to. I can remember getting real chatty after several beers, and calling whoever will talk to me or just going on and on about something or anything. And half the time I wouldn't remember the conversation in the morning. But I don't live with them and honestly I don't know how I would be co-existing with an active alcoholic. I'd be afraid that I might drink again, and that's no longer an option for me... I love my life now and I love that my H was able to agree to no alcohol in the house.

Does your H's drinking interfere with activities? My H loves how I will go out with him and the kids after work, to the store, whatever. Whereas before I would be itching to get home so I could drink, and once I started drinking, I was done for the night, which meant I was done shortly after 5... I just wanted to drink and hang around the house. Looking back, I guess I was pretty useless  My H says that's one of the biggest things he appreciates about my lack of drinking now.

ETA: That and he appreciates that I can control my emotions


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## Swooter

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## CallaLily

Might be helpful for you both to work a AA program. I have seen it happen where two people are alcoholics/drug addicts. One person gets sober the other one doesn't. Rarely does it work out when one is sober and the other one isn't. Its very damaging/detrimental to the one who is trying to stay sober to continue to be with someone who is not sober. I would think at some point if you are still sober, you might want to rethink your marriage situation if he doesn't choose to get help and remain sober as well.


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## GhostRydr

You must know that each person has to reach that rock bottom and be sick and tired of being sick and tired. YOu cannot expect him to stop just because you have. He isnt supposed to do it for you, marriage, kids, etc. Its gotta be for himself. Its his timeline.

The question YOU have to ask yourself (and not tell him) is if you are gonna silently put him on a timeline nefore you decide to end your marriage. Im assumimg you would want to instead of living a miserable life and possibly enabling him.

So, is your timeline, 3 months, 6 months, one year? Me personally, I wouldnt go past a year if Im newly sober and wanting to goive my spouse a chance.

And I also dont think a drinker can co exist with a non drinker. Im a social drinker and my soon to be ex wife is a heavy drinker and I cant stand it. I will never again get into a relationship with someone who does more than socially drink


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## rainbow12

I haven't been able to think about a real timeline, because I wish he would choose to drink less to be with the sober me. Then we can keep going in our loving relationship. Even asking for a reduction will be perceived as controlling and manipulative. We are both so codependent.

I am not interested in Al-Anon or AA, because there is too much negative energy, focus on disease and drinking, and fear of relapse. However, I am reading up on codependency - which I know is a big part of our 16-year relationship. I can work on myself, which I am doing and will continue to do, but he is only giving me lip service when it comes to what he'll work on. 

He frankly is only working on telling me how much I'm just hiding from the fact that we are incompatible. He says he wants to cut back, but he doesn't. Why? Because he is addicted, I know. And he hasn't hit a rock bottom, except that he is very annoyed that I am rocking the boat by quitting drinking and changing our lives together. 

I am starting to think that I need to tell him what I need, but I am so new to this, I have no idea what to ask for - and frankly I am scared he'll reject my ideas. And that he will tell me he's tired of trying and just wants out of my life.


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