# long distance dating



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi all, I've been off of this site for awhile, though it was great to have the support here when I was going through my marital dissolution. I've recently started dating again. I met a wonderful guy about 2 weeks ago (who I had originally started communicating with about 4 months ago via text/phone). I am in my mid-30s, and he is in his late 30s. He is divorced (many years ago) with a last relationship a few years ago, and no kids. We found each other on an online dating site, though we live a few states apart (a few hours flight). Initially we didn't talk that much, and we were both talking to other people... though we had been communicating more and more through the holidays (at least a few times per week) and then met up in person a few weeks ago after he flew to my city to see me. We had an amazing 2 days together, and he was an absolute gentleman and very warm and friendly. He initiated many hugs with me. Although I offered to pay for his hotel, since he had paid for his own flight, he declined and wouldn't let me pay. As far as food and entertainment went, we both pitched in for things over the weekend... he initially started paying for things, though allowed me to pay for a few things after I told him I'd be happy to do so. 

After leaving, he continued to stay in communication with me over text and phone calls. We've had plenty of fun, flirty text communication between us. He has also made many futuristic comments telling me he'd enjoy taking me on a vacation in the future, or cook a special meal for me. However, we have not planned any specific dates for when we'd meet up next. Last week on the phone, he mentioned that I should come over to see him sometime, whenever my busy schedule allows, which I agreed would be fun. I did happen to drop the info that one of my family members was trying to set me up on a date with another guy in his area, which makes me feel a bit awkward, as if I were to visit him, my relative would possibly expect me to meet the other guy as well if I fly out there. To which he responded "Well, I'm sure you can get out of that date, since [relative] knows you have been talking to me." It took me for a bit of a surprise, as we have not yet had any discussions about being exclusive - which is not my plan to at present despite my interest in him, and I'm also okay with him talking to other women at this early stage. He was initially calling more to me the first week, though his calls have dropped off over the last week, as he only called once. It has primarily been brief text communication a few times over the last week without any calls (though he has initiated the texts). 

I'm not sure what to make of this situation at this point. I definitely felt he has been interested as he was very affectionate with me during our meeting (though we were not sexually intimate), and due to his futuristic comments of things that he also wanted to do in the future. Also, he initiated many texts with me (and calls, initially) shortly after our meeting. I don't know if he hasn't been calling as much this past week because he is becoming less interested, or if it is because he is expecting me to be the one to make a concrete plan to see him since he already came to me. I think there is a lack of communication between us over these things due to our lack of phone communication. I think maybe I just need to pick up the phone and call him to discuss all of this, as our infrequent flirty texting back and forth don't give us the proper chance to discuss more in-depth issues. Because I'm still in-training with my work, he probably does make over 3x my salary at present (though my long-term salary in 3-4 years will be about equivalent of his), so I don't know if it would be inappropriate to expect him to come see me at least once more before I make the trip out to see him, presuming he does in fact truly want me to come to his state to see him. Or would it be only fair for me to fly out there on my own funds, since he came last time to see me? He owns his own home and is successful at work, and though I am a highly-educated professional working woman with a great future career, I'm still barely making ends meet financially at this time (for the next few years at least). I'm fully willing to pay to go out to see him, though it might be several weeks until I find a weekend that still has good online flight deal.

I think I will just go ahead and call him to have the deeper talk, though it is a bit nerve-wracking as I feel uncomfortable putting myself out there. Probably not tomorrow as he has a special event lined up, but later this week sometime. Just wanted to run this situation by you all for your thoughts. Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His calls dropping off could be due to you mentioning seeing another guy when you travel out to his state.

I guess see how a phone call to him goes. Call him once. If he does not pick up, ask him to call you. If he does not call back, you have your answer.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Is you moving to where he lives the option for the future? Or him moving to where you live?

if not, than no point in continuing. Focus on local guys.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

rks1 said:


> I think I will just go ahead and call him to have the deeper talk,


I am a guy, so forgive my posting in the ladies' lounge, but I saw the thread title. I met my wife and we conducted a LD (1000 miles away) relationship for a few months before she moved in with me. She was in college and I was working with a good paying job, so I paid for everything. We spoke on phone every night (before the days of texting) and next month will be 25 years from the time was met. Married 23 years.

That being said and knowing what I know now, I would not have moved so fast, even after long daily phone calls. 

By all means, call him and have a deeper talk. Texting is convenient and more modern, but phone is critical. Even better, skype or facetime as observing facial expressions and body language is critical. Visual communication often reveals more than spoken communication.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you all for your comments. He did text me this morning as he was getting up to wish me good morning, and sent me a message stating that one of his goals for this year is to take me out to a nice destination. (He stated this as he is aware that one of my siblings recently went on a nice vacation with her partner.) I wrote him back stating we should chat sometime and plan the details, and he wrote back stating "yes".

When he was visiting me a few weeks ago, I did ask him if he plans to live in his home long term, and he stated he doesn't have any issue renting it out if need be and doesn't feel tied down to it. He also did ask if I happen to know whether there were any firms (in his technical expertise) located in my city, though I was not aware. (I am required to be in this city for the next 3 years for my career, though I do plan to move out as soon as I'm able to do so. I don't mind moving to his city thereafter in the case that he and I did get into a committed relationship, though I also would be happy to move back to my hometown.) 

For the most part, I feel somewhat confident of him being interested in pursuing things with me, as I don't see why he would continue to keep in touch otherwise. However, there are a few mixed messages that make me wonder. One is that he hasn't called on the phone all week, but instead just keeps sending a few random texts throughout the week. The other issue is that he doesn't call when he states that he will. For instance, in the past, he would say something like "talk to you tomorrow" to end the phone conversation, but then would forget to call the next day. This has happened several times, despite me bringing up the issue to him, and despite me telling him once a few weeks ago that texting is not my favorite means of communication as I prefer phone calls. The third issue is that he doesn't always respond when I send him emails. The first time I sent an email addressed to him some weeks ago (before our meeting, when we got into a minor disagreement), he responded right away and wanted to talk on the phone to discuss the issue. Thereafter, when I sent him other random stuff, like articles or interesting links (for us to converse about on a topic), he basically just ignored those emails without writing back. I haven't sent him too many of such emails, just a couple. These kinds of mixed messages what makes me wonder, as they seem incongruent to the person that he is with around me and has been to me in all other contexts. 

As far as calling him goes, I've got a huge workload right now, but will call him in a couple of days, unless he calls first.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

As an update, I did end up calling him this evening. We didn't chat for long, but I had mentioned that I had looked for flights to come see him, as he had often mentioned us meeting up again in our past conversations. He took an interest with this, and told me he would really like this, and requested me to book plane tickets to come see him later this month. I suggested FaceTime as an alternate to meeting up, though he felt strongly that we should meet up in his city. So I booked the plane tickets as he requested. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm really financially stressed at this time and won't be able to afford frequent flights to see him.... as I realize it isn't fair since he paid his own tickets last time, so it is my turn to pay now. Although I'm feeling sad at paying the few hundred extra dollars, I think meeting him again in his city will be fun. The cheapest tickets I could get are for a 2 two day stay over, which he stated was totally fine by him, although I don't want to overstay my welcome. Even if I don't end up meeting the other guy (most likely I won't at this time), I think perhaps I might consider meeting up with some other acquaintances as a backup option, just so I don't feel like I'm taking up all of his time during that weekend. It probably won't be an issue, as the time he spent with me was over too fast, so I'm sure he and I will have plenty to do and talk about. I think I should not feel sad about the money, and just be excited about the upcoming trip.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

rks1 said:


> As an update, I did end up calling him this evening. We didn't chat for long, but I had mentioned that I had looked for flights to come see him, as he had often mentioned us meeting up again in our past conversations. He took an interest with this, and told me he would really like this, and requested me to book plane tickets to come see him later this month. I suggested FaceTime as an alternate to meeting up, though he felt strongly that we should meet up in his city. So I booked the plane tickets as he requested. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I'm really financially stressed at this time and won't be able to afford frequent flights to see him.... as I realize it isn't fair since he paid his own tickets last time, so it is my turn to pay now. Although I'm feeling sad at paying the few hundred extra dollars, I think meeting him again in his city will be fun. The cheapest tickets I could get are for a 2 two day stay over, which he stated was totally fine by him, although I don't want to overstay my welcome. Even if I don't end up meeting the other guy (most likely I won't at this time), I think perhaps I might consider meeting up with some other acquaintances as a backup option, just so I don't feel like I'm taking up all of his time during that weekend. It probably won't be an issue, as the time he spent with me was over too fast, so I'm sure he and I will have plenty to do and talk about. I think I should not feel sad about the money, and just be excited about the upcoming trip.


I wouldn't worry about taking up too much of his time, if I were in his place I'd expect to be spending the whole weekend together. If you overstay your welcome in 2 days then at least you know that the relationship is a non-starter.

If there are other people you know then meet them with him but trying to cram another date in the middle is probably not a good idea. If you aren't that bothered about seeing him then don't waste the time on the trip at all.

FWIW LDRs can work. My (now) wife and I were 400 then 800 miles apart for our first 18 months. At first we were able to spend long periods together, our 1st date lasted a week, but the last year we only saw each other monthly if that.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

If I was him, I'd also intend on spending the entire weekend with you. I think I'd be a little bothered if someone made plans to come visit me, then made plans with other people, especially another date! 

I think he's shown that he really likes you by initiating communication and going to visit you. Perhaps he's waiting for you too meet him in the middle? No one even wants to feel like they are making all the effort. While that's probably NOT the case (it sounds like you're both doing your part), could he be feeling that way maybe? 

I think you mentioned you weren't necessarily interested in an exclusive relationship....? At all, or just with him? And why?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hey thanks! Just as an update, he and I did talk about the stuff that was bothering me. I even told him I was financially a bit stressed too. I told him that I knew it was fair for me to book plane tickets this time as he booked tickets the last time, but that I still needed to budget my expenses. He seemed really understanding of the situation and told me we could figure something out for future.

He has been really kind and sweet, and our communication has improved. I'm really excited about my upcoming trip to see him.  He did state that he felt it would be weird for me to meet him and meet another guy on the same visit. I could tell it was bugging him. So after some reflection, I concurred, and decided not to see the other guy, and I'm just planning to spend the weekend there with him.

As far as the issue of exclusivity goes, I think I would want that in the near future if he and I keep communicating and meeting up. I'm not sleeping with him or anyone else, which gives me some more flexibility in keeping options open a bit longer. However, I am really starting to like him, as I think he's a great guy.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

rks1 said:


> Hey thanks! Just as an update, he and I did talk about the stuff that was bothering me. I even told him I was financially a bit stressed too. I told him that I knew it was fair for me to book plane tickets this time as he booked tickets the last time, but that I still needed to budget my expenses. He seemed really understanding of the situation and told me we could figure something out for future.
> 
> He has been really kind and sweet, and our communication has improved. I'm really excited about my upcoming trip to see him.  He did state that he felt it would be weird for me to meet him and meet another guy on the same visit. I could tell it was bugging him. So after some reflection, I concurred, and decided not to see the other guy, and I'm just planning to spend the weekend there with him.
> 
> As far as the issue of exclusivity goes, I think I would want that in the near future if he and I keep communicating and meeting up. I'm not sleeping with him or anyone else, which gives me some more flexibility in keeping options open a bit longer. However, I am really starting to like him, as I think he's a great guy.


You have enough legitimate reasons here not to get involved i.e. distance, time, finances etc. If you spend the weekend together and find that despite everything there's enough between you to try and make it work then that is probably a really good sign.

I hope you have a great weekend.


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## sheishei (Jul 25, 2015)

My advise is that any question you have regarding whether this relationship will work or not and how much are both of you able to commit in a long term relationship, how soon would you like to be together, etc is to ask him, over the phone, text, whatever way you have to do and simply be straight forward, i don´t believe it makes you look desperate or anything like it, if someone is honestly interested in you that would be the last thing on his mind . I met my husband online, but before we met i dated someone for a little while, online as well , the differences between their intentions was huge and i think this is very easy to notice we just sometimes lie to each other because it´s entertaining . and it´s also important that you make clear what you want, to yourself and anybody else that way you can avoid disappointments.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone... I added an update to my story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/321121-uncomfortable-dating-situation.html#post15095441


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Such long distance relationships are very hard. You do need to spend loads of time together to get to know each other, and that is not possible in your case.


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