# Approaching 2 yrs from D-Day....



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

and honestly, I never even come to this site anymore. However, recently I have just been having issues. (Me - not me and my H) Perhaps it's the approaching anniversary of Dday and all the things that happen this time of year that are triggers. 

My H and I are fine. Our marriage is great. We have our tiffs now and again and can see sliding into old habits from time to time but deal with them much better than in the past. Not saying it's perfect but still a HUGE improvement. 

SO, here are the issues* I *am having. I can't get HER out of my head. More so I can't get *them* out. Again, it's been 2 years and you'd think it wouldn't be like this. I forgave my H and put it behind me pretty quickly - so I am wondering if that is part of the issue. I can't seem to think/wonder when my H and I have sex if he did it the same way with her, if it was the same with her, if he compares, etc. I know I shouldn't because it's just painful but it's there. I usually don't say anything but the other morning after sex, when we were cuddling - I asked him if he was okay with me going back and talking with a counselor. He panicked and ask what was wrong - thinking it was with US. I assured him it was me and nothing he was or wasn't doing. I told him my feelings. He immediately told me again how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. And reminded me when he was with her, we weren't being intimate together. He assured me that we are GREAT together, he LOVES having sex with me, and that there is NO comparison. In fact, he went on to say that the reason he now can only refer to her with contempt and with the word "*****" because he is so angry that she pursued him the way she did knowing what we were going through. Again, he is by NO means a saint and he is just as wrong as she with the A. But she is the one that started the PA by kissing him and by his tone and reading between the lines, convinced him to pursue it when initially he pulled away and left. 

Again, I think another reason is I am mad at myself for how I handled it and let her somewhat back in our lives. Excuse me, my life. The other issue is that the one mutual couple/friends that knew of the A, are now in the middle of a heated divorce. AND come to find our - this friend is having an A with a married man of a friend as well. And he too is now getting divorced!! So, my friend and the OW are connected at the hip. It pisses me off because how dare she apologize and be so sorry and then watch her BF due to same to another one of her "friends." She's bascially toxic and lives inside this perfect shell. Unfortunately, the hard part is we've kept this secret from our other mutual friends - so she comes off smelling like a rose and I so want to OUT her!! Not to mention, when this all came out - we all had to walk on eggshells for the H of the OW. No one considered my feelings. Well, now he knows our friend is having an A with his friend, doing exactly what his wife did to me and apparently is okay with it. I mean through the grapevine I hear she is always at their house, etc. 

Sorry, I was rambling. I guess I just needed to vent. I think it's just the triggers this time of year. I, for me, need to rid these thoughts from my head and not let it ruin my happiness. I read a great quote - “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” I need to heed that advice.

Thanks for letting me vent!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that you're normal.
I am about 2.5 years out and I think of both the OM and OW from time to time and it's not pleasant. I think of all the stupid crap that I did and I think of her with the OM and how I would still like to get my hands on his throat.
But those feelings pass and I think about how well the wife and I are doing, how much I love her and how much she loves me. I think of how good we are together now and how we really, truly appreciate each other and take care of each other.
I've noticed as time goes on, I get these thoughts less and less.

Hang in there.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

SO, here are the issues I am having. I can't get HER out of my head. More so I can't get them out. Again, it's been 2 years and you'd think it wouldn't be like this. I forgave my H and put it behind me pretty quickly - so I am wondering if that is part of the issue. I can't seem to think/wonder when my H and I have sex if he did it the same way with her, if it was the same with her, if he compares, etc. I know I shouldn't because it's just painful but it's there. I usually don't say anything but the other morning after sex, when we were cuddling - I asked him if he was okay with me going back and talking with a counselor. He panicked and ask what was wrong - thinking it was with US. I assured him it was me and nothing he was or wasn't doing. I told him my feelings. He immediately told me again how much he loved me and how sorry he was for hurting me. And reminded me when he was with her, we weren't being intimate together. He assured me that we are GREAT together, he LOVES having sex with me, and that there is NO comparison. In fact, he went on to say that the reason he now can only refer to her with contempt and with the word "*****" because he is so angry that she pursued him the way she did knowing what we were going through. Again, he is by NO means a saint and he is just as wrong as she with the A. But she is the one that started the PA by kissing him and by his tone and reading between the lines, convinced him to pursue it when initially he pulled away and left. 

Similar situation;similar time frame. I know without a doubt that there never would have been an A without this woman's dogged persistence, but it doesn't really matter. He chose to betray me. That is what is so difficult for me. I have days of wondering why I have remained with a person who could do such a hurtful thing to his wife, no matter how much he claims to 'love' me. Then I realize once again that I am staying mostly for our family. His actions were not consistent with love as I know it. He chose another person over me. He has said all the same things to me, about his preference for me etc. I never chose anyone else over him, so I don't have to reassure him that he is my first choice. I did not marry this man to be compared (even favorably) to someone else, that's not what I signed on for. I can't get her out of my head either. She is younger than my daughter, isn't that special? He's doing fine, just fine; he's had his cake; and now I am having my daily diet of s***t sandwich served up by someone who says he 'always loved " me? I think I'm going to head on back to IC also. It gives me a headache trying to reconcile the contradictory words and actions.


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

OMG!! I could have totally written most of your post. We are 2 yrs post D-day. I still stuggle with thoughts of the H and OW. I still have nightmares about it.  I was able to put most of it behind me when I agreed to reconcile. Most days I'm okay and think about how lucky we are to have made it so far and rebuild our marriage. Other days I wonder how could I have taken him back after he hurt and betrayed me so badly. I'm hoping those days get less & less. He has truly changed and I trust him. I just hate that I still have to walk around with these thoughts. 

Often the anniversary of events triggers old feelings, but try to remember how far you have come, how much he loves you and how much your marriage has changed. 

If you want to chat more PM!!! we have similar stories!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks DanF! 

Sorry to hear you're still having issues too Oaksthorne. I try not to let myself get mad at him for his betrayal, etc. I mean I am upset about that but I know we were in a bad place in our marriage and I wasn't the nicest person. We had lost our connection, intimacy, etc. I didn't think/know he would do that to me but neither did he. 

Really, very similar Tulip? 

I think another hard part for me is we kept this a secret. Only a handful of people know. So, all our friends, etc know nothing - think we're this great couple, so in love. We are very much in love but I feel fake sometimes because I know that my H has cheated on me. When you see/hear those stories, UGH - like Knife in the back & heart. Because I am one of them. Wonder if that ever leaves?

I know it's probably just the season and hopefully the triggers will fade again.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

mommy2 said:


> Thanks DanF!
> I think another hard part for me is we kept this a secret. Only a handful of people know. So, all our friends, etc know nothing - think we're this great couple, so in love. We are very much in love but I feel fake sometimes because I know that my H has cheated on me. When you see/hear those stories, UGH - like Knife in the back & heart. Because I am one of them. Wonder if that ever leaves?
> 
> I know it's probably just the season and hopefully the triggers will fade again.


I think it's hard either way.

The same thoughts go through my head with people who don't know my H cheated. They think we're this great couple who have a strong marriage (which is actually more true now than last year), but they don't know our big secret. So in some ways I don't feel like they have a true sense of who we are now.

I also sometimes have a hard time in front of those few that do know my husband cheated. Are they judging us? If my husband puts his arm around me are they disgusted? Do they sit and talk about us as soon as we leave? The questions are endless.

If anything, these situations bring my husband and I closer together. There's only two people in a marriage, so it only really matters how my husband and I feel about each other. I'm sure there are plenty of other couples with their own secrets, but we don't have to know their secrets to enjoy their company. For those that know about the affair, they will follow our lead. If we're happy and stay happy, then they'll eventually realize . . . we're actually happy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I sympathize with you all about the _mind movies_ that you keep having, since I went thru that in my first marriage when I was betrayed by the ex-wife. Which is the reason that a PA is my deal breaker this time around, I could never go thru that again.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

mommy2 said:


> Thanks DanF!
> 
> Sorry to hear you're still having issues too Oaksthorne. I try not to let myself get mad at him for his betrayal, etc. I mean I am upset about that but I know we were in a bad place in our marriage and I wasn't the nicest person. We had lost our connection, intimacy, etc. I didn't think/know he would do that to me but neither did he.
> 
> ...


Thank you for caring. I try not to be angry either, but the disillusionment is harder to deal with. No matter what was happening or not happening in the marriages, we did not deserve betrayal. It's such a selfish and hurtful course of action. I was stunned and embarrassed at first , and I kept it to myself. I found out about it in early December and I had to put on a brave face for the holiday family gatherings. It was very difficult and this season is a trigger because of that. Some times you just have to fake it till you make it, to coin a phrase. I hope the heart ache will leave eventually , I have to believe that it will, but my marriage will always bare the scar.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

mommy2 said:


> Thanks DanF!
> 
> Sorry to hear you're still having issues too Oaksthorne. I try not to let myself get mad at him for his betrayal, etc. I mean I am upset about that but I know we were in a bad place in our marriage and I wasn't the nicest person. We had lost our connection, intimacy, etc. I didn't think/know he would do that to me but neither did he.
> 
> ...


 I keep reading that two years out, you are still in pain, I am only 3 months out and I must say this does not give me hope, I couldn't take that,,,... I think for me the writing is on the wall


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