# Online affair, etc.



## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

My husband told me a couple weeks ago he was having an emotional affair with a woman out of state he met on Facebook. He said he ended the romantic part but he hasn't stopped texting with her. He told me all kinds of stuff, like he hasn't been in love with me for half our 3 year relationship and was going through the motions. He's got a habit of coming on strong then losing interest in people. He says he is a user and selfish. That's a recent realization by him. 

The trust is basically gone. You love them, but can't trust as far as you can throw them. I want to look at his phone but he would go on about his privacy.

He has started counseling. He loves me and our son, but likes having his ego stroked. He can't separate having things in common with and connecting with another woman from thinking he's in love with her. He thinks it's love, not friendship or simply having things in common. 

He comes from a family where there was parental infidelity and dysfunction. I think growing up in that is part of his issue. He cheated on his last wife physically, but he said he hasn't done that to me. You never know though, unless you get evidence or they admit it. I can't talk to anyone but my therapist because I don't tell friends and family members about my relationship struggles. They can end up hating him, even if I forgive and we move on. 

I'm here to have a place to discuss this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's forfeited his expectations of privacy at this point. Basically, he can be "private" or he can be married. Trust is earned and it's enjoyed by the trustworthy, not by those who sneak around on their wives and fall in "love" on freakin Facebook. I'm not sure which is dumber, getting emotionally attached to some unknown entity on FB or admitting it to your wife. If he gets with the program and gets his head screwed back on, maybe someday he can earn the right to expect a little privacy. At this point, he's used his privacy in deceitful ways against his wife. How old is your son? You've been together 36 months. He's saying he's been checked out for 18 months. At some point you were pregnant for 9 months. Men who love their wife and kids don't spend all their time chatting up other women and falling in love or lust or whatever, so although it would be nice to believe he loves his wife and son, his actions say he loves himself and even loves some unknown persona more. He could be chatting up some 350 lb male prison inmate for all he knows.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

First off, what a cool username,

Now, down to business. 

You have a very significant problem with a man who had admittedly cheated on a past relationship. This is akin to someone saying they used to do drugs, they still do them but used to as well. 

Before you continue what do you want to do? Do you want to repair the damage, fix the relationship, move on or end it? The part you may find ironic about all of this is the course of action you take to expedite this resolution. 

Since you hubby is in an EA you have to know that so long as he is awake it is ongoing, unlike a physical one whereas him and the OW would have to align time together and such. Given his attachment and secretive nature with his phone, not privacy but secrecy, know it is going full bore at every moment. This is far worse than you realize and you probably have been a victim of many of the same bull sh1t that all BS go thru. 

You have been or will be gaslit, a action designed to make you feel crazy as if it was you with the problem. Marital history will, no, shall be rewritten in an attempt to make you feel bad whilst simultaneously trying to justify his affair. Any efforts he makes to hide, conceal and/or other wise deceive you with his private life, especially his electronic methods of communication, is the biggest and only red flag you need to look for to validate he is still in the affair. Think about it, people don't hide what they care less about others seeing. 

So now it is time to start going on the offensive. Gather evidence and keep a log about his actions and behavior. A particular poster here on TAM named Weightlifter has an evidence gathering thread that will prove to be invaluable, read it and read it again. Also, before you do anything make sure not to confront him if you have any evidence that can be defeated by denial, or plausible denial. Only when you have an insurmountable amount of evidence do you go DEFCON 1. Keep quit until then. Weightlifters thread will detail this effectively. 

Now you have been living with this for some time now it seems and tolerating ones lies for their well being is not something you should do. So in light of your fears make preparations to expose him to any and all people the both of you know, including your friends and family, his family and if you know who the other woman is her family and friends as well. You may hit gold and she will have a Boytoy or husband to assist you in this effort. He may be pissed at you and say many hurtful things, so ignore them and carefully remind him that this is his fault as HE invited this into the marriage, not you. Do not take blame for someone's free will actions, you didn't before so why start now.

In conjunction with this make preparations to file for Divorce. This may seem counterintuitive or the exact opposite of what you may want but it has the benefit of many thins most BS do not see at this stage. 

1) It shows you ain't fvcking around with your expectations of what a marriage should be founded on; Respect. You have been hurt and cast aside when you should have been number one, proceed accordingly.
2) Read the above again a few times
3) This will show consequences for HIS actions. He may say that is what he wants but this may change as his thinking right now is diluted to the point of absurdity. Dismiss any attempts he makes to reassign blame on you.
4) Win or lose this will accelerate the end result; The marriage gets back on track or it ends from his lack of commitment and effort to prove his loyalty. Since most Waywards will cake eat (Stick around for the benefits of a stable home life while enjoying the affair) the betrayed end up in a state of limbo which will drain your soul slowly and shroud you in a black cloud of depression and anxiety. The end will at least have an end date.

After you get to this point then do the 180, a method of detachment from your spouse that can and does allow for you to regroup emotionally as well as physically to sustain the long haul. Most Waywards will dismiss this at first yet as the 180 is prolonged it begins to set in that the separation is becoming a reality. Take heed, this is not meant to win them back, it is for you to get better and move on with or without him. Google or search TAM for the relationship 180.

Now this is time sensitive and you must start in some form today. This is a battle and it is time to fight back, for you first, and then the marriage. You didn't mean him into this so waste no time trying to "Nice" him out of it. No time to think about it and no excuses either. If he claims to want to work on things demand and accept no less that he turn over every password, phone bill, phone passcode; Everything. Any hesitation proves he is full of sh1t. 

Is this makes it to page 5 of redundant posts it may be too late. 

Now go kick some a55!!!!


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

Thanks, unbelievable. Son is 4.5 months and gorgeous and smart. We had a loss, then a successful pregnancy with our son.

I agree that his actions show he loves himself more. I said he was selfish, and he agreed. 

You are right about the unknown persona. For some reason, he gets into these technology based relationships. Heck, we met on a phone app. I think it's just exciting and he gets to woo with words and pics, and get excited about getting messages. I think he has low self esteem and no real moral compass guiding his actions other that do what makes him happy. There's lots of isht I don't do because it's not good for our relationship. I rein myself in for the good of our relationship. I am a natural flirt, attractive, and easily get attention from men. I dress like a nun and don't make eye contact to keep people from approaching. One day I did dress sexy and hubby pitched a fit. This was after our conversation about his not feeling me, etc.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> I agree that his actions show he loves himself more. I said he was selfish, and he agreed.


Beware the emotional damnation he imposes on himself. This is not a slight of honesty but more so an attempt to still dismiss blame and responsibility from his end result actions. 

It also has the effect of making you, or any BS, more prone to wanting to help him or understand that he can't help his actions vs making him own it.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

Joker, I see what you mean.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, sorry you're here.

It's obvious to me that your husband takes you staying in your marriage for granted. For him to admit that he's having an online EA and refuse to stop contact; that's a divorce provoking action. He's completely disrespecting you. Not to mention the hurtful things he said about not being in love with you.

When a spouse does something like this, the worst thing you can do is nothing. By allowing the continued contact with the OW, his non transparency and his non remorse on top of it, he's losing even more respect for you. 

*He* has to understand what it feels like to lose his wife for cheating on her. And as we say often on this forum, *you* have to be willing to end your marriage to have the best chance of saving it.

Have a conversation with him. Tell him that you can't control what he does, but you can control what you will accept from him. Tell him he has to agree to stop contact with her, send her a no-contact communication, be openly transparent to allow you to confirm no-contact; and be willing to convince you that he's remorseful for what he did.

Otherwise you'll be talking to an attorney to start divorce proceedings.

If he doesn't comply, start divorce proceedings. Don't stop until either he completely turns around or the D is complete. It takes months for this process to finish, so you have some time to reconsider. While this is ongoing, implement "the 180" to detach from him (google it or you can find it here).

If he does comply now, please keep posting and check back for more advice. Most of us here know what remorse looks like.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Most of us here know what remorse looks like.


Yeah, it's a four legged White Stallion or Mare with a single Spire extruding from it's forehead. It burps Rainbows too.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

I do need to demand no contact. He acts all sad and like he hates himself, but doesn't stop. He has OCD and some other issues, and I have my own stuff, especially post baby. Part of it may be impulsivity, and the rest is azzholism. 

I do want to stay married, but I want him to see what it's like when I have to deal with his crap. 

I was thinking of telling his mother when we visit for Christmas. His family loves me, and as long as it's a secret he won't be shamed. Plus, I'm the best wife compared to the crap his brothers deal with and he's taking me for granted.


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## hurtinginohio (Nov 18, 2014)

If you have time read through my post "never thought I'd be here", very similar situation except Instagram instead of FB. God some days I really hate the internet! (yes I know how ironic that sounds on a message board)


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> I do need to demand no contact.


Yes you do; but only if you're ready to do something about it if he refuses.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> but likes having his ego stroked.


And a man like this will never get his ego stroked by his wife. It has to be someone else.

I don't think you will ever be able to trust him again. Something tells me you know that.

So what are your plans? Even if he never engages in any kind of affair again, he will be pining for another woman's attention.
So what do you want to do?


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

I do want to keep his trifling azz. But he's so full of it that I don't know where to begin. I like the idea of the 180. We still have sex and some fun times, but he is surely cake eating. I'm going to look up the 180, and try it first. 

Detaching and focusing on me will help me confirm that I can make it with or without him. I'm tempted to strike up my own Internet friendships and put passwords on my phone so he can see what it's like. Be cordial, even sweet, but let the detachment seep out and cover him. The bad part is that I know I can detach and let go for good because he doesn't deserve me. I'm the wife men want:love sports, sex, dancing, can cook, doctorate level education, and beautiful. I wonder why I am putting up with this shot in the first place. Maybe he's maintaining contact with the other chick because he knows once I really realize he ain't isht he will need another relationship. 

I'm in a tough financial position as a stay at home mom too, but I might get a great job soon and my parents will support me and their grandson if necessary. I haven't said anything to my parents because he would get hurt, especially since I'm an only child.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> I'm the wife men want:love sports, sex, dancing, can cook, doctorate level education, and beautiful.


All the more reason not to be taken for granted. Your suitors will be waiting in line to court you.

But do yourself another favor if your marriage doesn't work out. Finish one before starting another one. Don't sink to his level.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> *All the more reason not to be taken for granted. Your suitors will be waiting in line to court you.*
> 
> But do yourself another favor if your marriage doesn't work out. Finish one before starting another one. Don't sink to his level.


No doubt.


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## Trying95 (May 24, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Beware the emotional damnation he imposes on himself. This is not a slight of honesty but more so an attempt to still dismiss blame and responsibility from his end result actions.
> 
> It also has the effect of making you, or any BS, more prone to wanting to help him or understand that he can't help his actions vs making him own it.


:iagree: I wish I had realized this when I found out my H's EA


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> Thanks, unbelievable. Son is 4.5 months and gorgeous and smart. We had a loss, then a successful pregnancy with our son.
> 
> I agree that his actions show he loves himself more. I said he was selfish, and he agreed.
> 
> You are right about the unknown persona. For some reason, he gets into these technology based relationships. Heck, we met on a phone app. I think it's just exciting and he gets to woo with words and pics, and get excited about getting messages. I think he has low self esteem and no real moral compass guiding his actions other that do what makes him happy. There's lots of isht I don't do because it's not good for our relationship. I rein myself in for the good of our relationship. I am a natural flirt, attractive, and easily get attention from men. I dress like a nun and don't make eye contact to keep people from approaching. One day I did dress sexy and hubby pitched a fit. This was after our conversation about his not feeling me, etc.


For shallow, dishonest, manipulative people, social media must seem like a dream come true. You can be whoever or whatever you want. You can lie till the cows come home and your audience will never know the difference. They only know things about you that you wish to reveal. This guy just really seems uncommitted to be married for such a short time. Was getting married his idea or was there some other factor (maybe the first pregnancy) that got him to propose? Just trying to figure out why a man would get marrried, make a baby, and almost immediately start carrying on an internet "affair". He hasn't been married long enough to be bored. With a tiny baby, who has time to be bored, anyway?


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

So, I contacted the other woman who claims she is not in a relationship with him, and it's a situation. I told his twin to talk to him before he ruins a great relationship for ego strokes and excitement. I took pics of naked pics of other chicks he saved in his Google account. Took pics of his Skype history. 

I told him that we need to burn this relationship down and start over again. I said I love him, but he makes it hard. I think we will be fine.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

So now he said contacting her had a purpose, and asked if I was scared it would backfire. I said fire can purify as it destroys.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

If he leaves, so be it. I lived before him, and would live after.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> If he leaves, so be it. I lived before him, and would live after.


Gosh dammit I like it!!!!!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> I'm the wife men want:love sports, sex, dancing, can cook, doctorate level education, and beautiful.


Nuff said. Where's the line start?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Nuff said. Where's the line start?


Behind me!!!


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

Thanks, guys. 

He allegedly told online chick no contact is required. His twin is going to call him tonight, but talk to him in more depth when we visit for the holidays. I told my father, but swore him to secrecy. 

He was surprised I was bold enough to contact the OW. I said I'm very bold, just been holding back the last few years with him. I told him these are the tough times our vows are about and I have given him many chances to act right. I said he is lying when he says he wants our family but is texting and exchanging pictures with OW. I said I want to be together, but if we aren't, so be it. Live and learn, hurt and grow. 

Supposed to talk tonight. He hasn't texted me much today but I'm letting it ride.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> Thanks, guys.
> 
> He allegedly told online chick no contact is required. His twin is going to call him tonight, but talk to him in more depth when we visit for the holidays. I told my father, but swore him to secrecy.
> 
> ...


Would have been nice if you were there approving the text of the message through transmission. Can you get a copy or see it? And OW reply? He needs to remove her from any and all contact lists.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

What a son of a w! Ugh, I need to cut him loose.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> What a son of a w! Ugh, I need to cut him loose.


Could you give a little more detail on that?

Some of us insomniacs are interested.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

I got his phone and found a way to look at his pictures. So many naked ones of her and others. Looked at phone call log, and he was calling her everyday. He doesn't call me, we text. I deleted the phone log, her contact info from the phone. Left the pics. He still doesn't know how I saw pics because his are password protected. Like I said, I have doctorate level education. I can be pretty clever.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

He had a Christmas list and her address. Deleted her address. He didn't ask me for a list but said he would buy me a new ring. 

Lots of remorse and deleting. I think we will be ok.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> He had a Christmas list and her address. Deleted her address. He didn't ask me for a list but said he would buy me a new ring.
> 
> Lots of remorse and deleting. _I think we will be ok._


Eh... not if he's not the one doing the deleting.

And _voluntarily_.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

True. We will see how it plays out.


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## sxyblkcaramel78 (Dec 14, 2014)

How do I get over the hurt and regain all trust? From what I've seen after things went down, he's all in love with me again. However, I have trouble trusting it to be real and true 100%. I looked in his phone tonight and all the apps for social media and pictures are password protected. That makes me wonder if he's still hiding something. He lied so many months before. What's to say he's not still gaming me now? I feel like there will always be a part of me that doesn't trust him. I love him and we have a child, but trust has a hole in it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> How do I get over the hurt and regain all trust? From what I've seen after things went down, he's all in love with me again. However, I have trouble trusting it to be real and true 100%. I looked in his phone tonight and all the apps for social media and pictures are password protected. That makes me wonder if he's still hiding something. He lied so many months before. What's to say he's not still gaming me now? I feel like there will always be a part of me that doesn't trust him. I love him and we have a child, but trust has a hole in it.


Tell him to either give you (or remove) the passwords or GTFO.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> How do I get over the hurt and regain all trust? From what I've seen after things went down, he's all in love with me again. However, I have trouble trusting it to be real and true 100%. I looked in his phone tonight and all the apps for social media and pictures are password protected. That makes me wonder if he's still hiding something. He lied so many months before. What's to say he's not still gaming me now? I feel like there will always be a part of me that doesn't trust him. I love him and we have a child, but trust has a hole in it.


The single most vital requirement for a True R, is complete transparency. And a truly remorseful WS will want to be transparent because they want to rebuild the trust with you that they destroyed. 

This should tell you all you know. You're in False R.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

sxyblkcaramel78 said:


> *He cheated on his last wife physically,* but he said he hasn't done that to me. You never know though, unless you get evidence *or they admit it.*


Truly no offense... but, you married a career serial cheater. 

_"He said he hasn't done that to me."_

Hopefully true, however probably another lie. It's a normal response to want to believe your spouse would never lie straight to your face. That their guilt, shame, or love would trump pride and the Truth would rise above. 

With infidelity, fat chance.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> He could be chatting up some 350 lb male prison inmate for all he knows.


^ ^ ^
THIS.

With all the troll threads we've seen here lately on TAM (just one forum out of the thousands on the Internet) I simply do not understand how people think they can fall in love with someone on the Internet they have never met! He has no way of knowing if "she" is even a woman! It could be a prisoner, a bunch of teenagers hoaxing him, or just a general sicko. People go to great lengths to create elaborate, fake FB pages, complete with fake pictures and all.

I realize you talked to her so she seems to be a "real" person, but we still have no idea "who" she really is or what she even looks like! She could be 450 pounds, on welfare and disability for all he knows. Or a "black widow" seductress murderer type. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> ^ ^ ^
> THIS.
> 
> With all the troll threads we've seen here lately on TAM (just one forum out of the thousands on the Internet) I simply do not understand how people think they can fall in love with someone on the Internet they have never met! He has no way of knowing if "she" is even a woman! It could be a prisoner, a bunch of teenagers hoaxing him, or just a general sicko. People go to great lengths to create elaborate, fake FB pages, complete with fake pictures and all.
> ...


:iagree:

Unless you have Skype with them, yahoo messenger (with webcam), face time, or some other *real-time video *chat, you have no idea who you are really talking to. And even if you can see them via webcam, you still don't really know the full truth about them. Yet this happens over and over again. It's sad really. hurtintn's drove off to Colorado, taking the family's only means of transportation, to be with OM she was only conversing thru a stupid chat app on her phone.


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