# Friends after divorce



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Haven't seen anything about this on the boards, but this is my current struggle. 

My ex and I knew each other for about 10 years before we started dating. And we were a part of a tight circle of friends. He has insisted on trying his best to keep relationships with everyone, while I haven't been able to to do that. 

People who have chosen to be close friends with him, have not been people I have wanted to hang out. I've unfriended peole from facebook, because they are constantly posting pictures of him and it guts me. 

Some of you may know that my ex moved next door to my brother and his girlfriend. I was really angry at him for doing that. But I recently found out that my brother's girlfriend has been asking my ex to pet sit for them. 
I was really hurt by that. I told her and my brother how I felt and have left it that. But my feelings haven't changed. 

Now my bestfriend is in town. In all honesty, I have felt very frustrated by her in general, as she has kept wanting to point out the good in my ex. 

I feel like there is some pressure to be more concilatory than I actually feel. 

In any case,I am currently hurt because she is here from Tuesday to Monday and she is spending the whole weekend with my ex. I have hung out with her in the evenings after work, but the weekend has been dedicated to him and friends that have chosen them. 

And of course, I know it's unfair. Because I did just spend two weeks with her when I went to visit her. 

I am also hurt, because she has forgotten plans with me. We were supposed to spend the afternoon together, but she has forgotten that we talked about it and is now spending the entire day with my ex. 

And even though, on a cognitive level, I know that she has the right to hang out with anyone she wants, and my brother's girlfriend can ask anyone she wants to help her...I feel doubly betrayed. And I feel like I don't have the rights to these feelings. 

So I grin and bear it, even though I am so hurt. 

So really, am I the only one to have experienced this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why did you guys split?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

He stated because he didn't work on our marriage anymore. I found out later, he didn't want to work on our marriage because he had "fallen in love" with someone else and was having an affair.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This is the closest to how I am feeling right now...

With friends like these...The difficulty of dividing up the friends after a divorce - Features - Health & Families - The Independent


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I have never been divorced but I always thought my definition of loyalty was messed up. When my cousin was getting divorced, her husband tried to choke her and was very abusive. My aunt kept speaking to him all nice and kept friends with him when everything was final. This was her niece who she says she loves. I don't understand it. 

My idea of loyalty, is I will have your back and front and all sides. You are my friend, I owe my allegations to you. I don't speak about the x or tell you how lovely he is. In fact, I am hoping he falls into a black hole and perish. Thats, how I am.

Be careful of this girlfriend. I have a feelings she will be making the moves on the XH. She is not the friend you thing she is. I would part company with this one. I expect my friends to choose me. Maybe I am selfish or not adult enough. But that's me. 

You are my friend, not his. 

Your BGF, I would just ignore her completely. She needs to know which side of the fence family is on, and stay on that side. Have nothing to do with her. But, then, again that is just me.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

That's pretty much what I have done with B'sGF. I am not worried about my BFF making moves on my ex. She is married and her whole family is hanging out with him and two of his friends (Used to be couple friends, but they chose him over me and I wasn't surprised.)

And yeah, my definition of loyalty is the same as yours. 

But she was friends with my ex outside our marriage. And I tried to make things easier on her. Only it ends up hurting me. We had a reunion of sorts on Friday with a bunch of old college friends. My ex showed up. Thankfully I was prepared and just ignored and avoided him all night and he finally left. 

I knew that she was going to spend Saturday with them. And I didn't begrudge her that. I mean, it stung a little, but only little. I think what hurts is that we had plans, and she has forgotten them and instead is spending the time with my ex. If it weren't my ex I would be hurt a little bit, but would get over it. But it is my ex and two people who have said horrible things about me. So it hurt a lot.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

****ty when our "friends" don't feel the same way as we do. Blue, I would start counting her as an acquaintance and not a very good friend. Go out and have fun but don't engage with her too much. I would start distancing myself from her. 

I never understand people who makes plans for the sake of making them, then, turn around and "forget" about them. I am sorry to say, maybe, something happened or something was said and she chose to belief the other side. You would drive yourself mad, asking why.

Let her go. People come in and out of our lives to teach us lessons. Learn and grow from this. Not all friendships are meant to last into old age.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> ****ty when our "friends" don't feel the same way as we do. Blue, I would start counting her as an acquaintance and not a very good friend. Go out and have fun but don't engage with her too much. I would start distancing myself from her.
> 
> I never understand people who makes plans for the sake of making them, then, turn around and "forget" about them. I am sorry to say, maybe, something happened or something was said and she chose to belief the other side. You would drive yourself mad, asking why.
> 
> Let her go. People come in and out of our lives to teach us lessons. Learn and grow from this. Not all friendships are meant to last into old age.



Your advice is good. But unfortunately for me it's also painful. It's another thing I lose because my ex is an *******. She and I have been friends for 23 years. Realizing that as much as I love her, she causes too much pain, and that I have to start protecting myself...it's just devastating. I don't think she "believes" the other side. I just think she doesn't understand that what she is doing is hurting me. And she doesn't understand why. I am going to have to reduce our contact. 

She suggested she come back early with her family to hang out with me, and I asked her not too. The truth is I have been crying most of the day because I am facing a new loss. I told her I was hurt, but I didn't say I was hurt by her actions. I am not really sure if she understood why I am hurt but doesn't want to deal with it, or she thinks I am hurt by something else. 

And quite frankly, I fell like I am being for forced to make an ultimatum. And I resent it. I resent that my ex put everyone in this position. I resent that he is being rewarded by maintaining friends that he shouldn't have. 

I have had some friends who have stood by me. But losing her hurts almost as much as losing him did.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I have heard this happens to a lot of divorced couples. The asxhoxe it seems always gets everyone to take his side. 

I am so sorry you are hurting. She is selfish and does not deserve your tears. It's so hurtful even more so, when people are careless with our trust and love. Maybe one day soon, she will wise up. Until then, protect yourself from these people. Go out with new friends and start enlarging that circle. 

In the mean time, crank up the music. Get out of that place in your head. Go for a walk. You know what I do, I go the store, walk around for awhile, then, I go to the cosmetic counter and look for new shades of red lipstick. Always, cheers me up.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

LOL. Retail therapy is a favorite of mine as well. And she's not selfish. Not even remotely. She doesn't understand it. I am not sure pre divorce that I understood how devestating divorce really is. It is truly worse than if someone died. 

My friend doesn't know very many divorced people. She thinks she understands it because she has worked divorce law. But doesn't understand that signing the papers doesn't actually end the pain. 

I know that she doesn't mean to hurt me. But despite not meaning it, she is still hurting me, and I am at a point that I want to protect myself from that kind of hurt.

That's what is hard. She totally doesn't know or understand my hurt. Right now, I am going to zone out and watch TV.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She has no point of reference to understand. I am male and do not know what going through a menstrual cycle is like.

I cannot imagine a friendship lasting twenty-three years, . I have the mindset that people are transient. Sure, people will influence and change me due to their own behavior, I can easily let people go without much effort.

Growing up, I was in six different elementary schools, two different middle schools, and finally lived in a place for over five years before moving again.

Anyways, we are only capable of maintaining a number of intimate connections. If you increase the bonds with new friends, have new best friends, you sacrifice the strength of the attachment to others. It is possible to know the names of 1500 people, but to maintain those attachment, most if not all would be acquaintances.

Just like there are some friends in the past that slowly fade out, and there is not much of an emotional attachment. You would not grieve as much compare to the newer friends that you have a stronger attachment to.

Your friend was a big part of your life, someone you are intimately bonded with. Unfortunately, if the relationship is causing pain, there needs to be detachment so what the other person does, does not affect you as much.

Even now, 1/2 of my friends are not friends with my gf or they merely see her as an acquaintance. I have a level of independence from my relationship. My relationships do not engulf my entire life.

Vent to your hearts content, there are people who understand you.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Do your mutual friends know about his affair, and yet they've chosen him over you? Some of my ex's friends that he knew before he met me, but I've known for 27 years, have taken my side once they found out about his affair and don't even want to speak to him, let alone hang out with him.

But there are some differences. He's still seeing his AP and plans to have her move in with him in a month or two. They think she's a horrible person and want nothing to do with her. Also, he was gone a lot with his job over the years, so I sometimes hung out with them without him, and we developed our own friendship.

I do know your feeling of betrayal - longtime friends of ours - mostly his - had dinner with him and his AP before I ever even knew about her. They had stayed with us in our house just a year before, and we had all had a wonderful time together. They live out of state in the same town she lives in. My ex lied to me, and them, it turns out at the time, telling them I asked for a separation and was fine with him seeing other women. When I asked him at the time what he told them about me to get them to be willing to do that, he claimed " they know we've been having problems for years." They told me later they didn't know any such thing - they were shocked when he told them I wanted to separate.

Who knows what your ex is telling these people? You can be pretty sure it ain't the truth.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, on top of everything else. I sometimes tell myself my ex's nonsense is the gift that keeps on giving (purely sarcastically, of course). I think these friends of your either don't know the whole story, or aren't your friends. Have you told your best friend everything, and how hurt you feel? You should. When I did that with these dinner having friends, they rallied to my side - even called him up and read him the riot act for lying to them and making them party to something that hurt me so badly. You may be surprised to find she really has no idea about a lot of what's really gone on.

If she does know, though, and is still choosing him over you, as others have said, she's not your friend. I know it feels like yet another loss, but losing a "friend" like that is really a gain.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I think I'd get new friends.

And a new brother.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This is where it gets sticky. She's not really choosing him over me. Not on purpose. She just desperately wants to be both of our friends. And of course he looks so mature and forgiving, because he's fine with it. After all he left me. He was over the marriage long before I knew it was over. And he is still seeing his AP. 

I think it's piled up. She's the one that I have turned to at times in my grief and I've been frustrated by her response. She wants to remain neutral. She has always wanted me to feel differently that I felt. At some point I actually stopped talking to her, but I would end up being hurt by her lack of support. 

And I think she thinks she's been supportive. But in all reality, her lack of support has been hurtful. 

Maybe I am wrong, but the fact that he cheated on me should have made her not neutral. And I can't control how other people feel, but I guess I don't want someone to call me their best friend when in fact they are not. 

I think that's why it's hitting me hard. Because I realize I need to let her go. Which is going to hurt both of us...

And in a way, I know at some point I won't feel so betrayed by all of this. But I am just not there yet. And right now it hurts. I feel like I am going through a whole new loss.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> This is where it gets sticky. She's not really choosing him over me. Not on purpose. She just desperately wants to be both of our friends. And of course he looks so mature and forgiving, because he's fine with it. After all he left me. He was over the marriage long before I knew it was over. And he is still seeing his AP.
> 
> I think it's piled up. She's the one that I have turned to at times in my grief and I've been frustrated by her response. She wants to remain neutral. She has always wanted me to feel differently that I felt. At some point I actually stopped talking to her, but I would end up being hurt by her lack of support.
> 
> ...


To me this implies that infidelity isn't a huge deal to her.

Well, at least not when it's not happening to her.



BlueWoman said:


> I think that's why it's hitting me hard. Because I realize I need to let her go. *Which is going to hurt both of us...*


Probably you more than her.

Sorry.  I promise I'm not trying to hurt you.



BlueWoman said:


> And in a way, I know at some point I won't feel so betrayed by all of this. But I am just not there yet. And right now it hurts. I feel like I am going through a whole new loss.


That will happen once you've more or less cut her out of your life. For as long as her opinion matters to you, this will hurt.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're not wrong at all to think she shouldn't be neutral. She shouldn't be. At all. Unless the BS is abusive, there is no valid reason for an affair. My ex tried to spin a story to his friends that made me the villain. Although that one couple regrets believing him and has been remorseful about hurting me, I don't consider them my friends anymore. I don't ever want to see them again, and luckily won't have to, since they live out of state.

I feel sad knowing that many of our friends who were his friends before we were together won't really be my friends anymore, whether they believe him or not. It all makes me realize how really self-centered he was throughout our marriage. I made friends on my own at work, and tried to make them our friends. But he never liked any of them enough to maintain a relationship with them. How convenient - even our friendships were on his terms. So I hung out with them on my own. Theses are professional, educated people, just like his friends. But he was so judgmental of them. "Why can't she just lose the weight?" (Some of his friends were overweight, too, and the OW is obese.) "He's always flirting with other women." The irony never ends.

I know, again, that it sucks to realize you wouldn't be dealing with any of this if he had communicated his unhappiness to you before he detached unbeknownst to you and then cheated on you. I really do. Hugs to you. But like Gus said, you need to find other, better, friends.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I think I'd get new friends.
> 
> And a new brother.


Yeah. I get the sentiment. But I have lost so much. And it kills to lose more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had to cut a few friends out of my life who wanted to also remain close to my cheating ex-husband (including a woman with whom I had been friends more than 30 years). Was it easy? Hardly. Do I still miss her at times? Yes. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely. 

Divorce obviously changes many things. Including, sometimes, friendships.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Okay feel much better. She and I talked. She had forgotten our plans, and didn't really understand what was going on. 

Her response was 1) I messed up. I let you down by not making time for you.
2) I thought you were okay with your ex, but you are not yet and I love you way more than him, so I will happily have nothing to do with him.
3) I do think he has done some really bad things to you. And I am angry with him for those things. 

And then I felt better. I told her that I am actually okay with her spending time with him, she just can't stand me up for it. And right now, because I am so emotionally fragile, I need reminders that I am important to people. 

I am realizing as I type this, that a lot of what happened in my marriage was that he made me feel not important. My needs and wants weren't important. And now that I am out of that, I am super sensitive to that. Feeling like I am on the back burner hurts more than used to. I imagine I won't always feel like that. I have healed so much in the last year. But I guess I still have more to do.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

BlueWoman said:


> Yeah. I get the sentiment. But I have lost so much. And it kills to lose more.


Actually, I did tell him that I was disappointed in him for not stopping his GF from doing that. But I also know it wasn't his idea and he had nothing to do with asking my ex. Turns out my brother hasn't been a fan of my ex long before he and I actually split. Mostly my brother just doesn't want to fight with his girlfriend. I don't like that about him, but I am not quite willing to give him up over this. 

But I can keep my distance from her, though.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It's good that you and she talked. Too bad it had to come to that. I can't help thinking that she should have known you would be hurt by her insistence that she remain friends with him. Of course it would be hurtful to you. If she is really your best friend, she must know he left for another woman. That fact alone should have dictated her loyalties, nothing else, Imo. I would be appalled if either of my two closest friends tried to continue being pals with an ex in that situation...or any situation, really. 

It sucks that you almost always lose friends in a divorce but it is also a reality. People really do have to choose. A divorce is one of the most painful life experiences, it is not like a high school break-up. Giving up a friendship always sucks, but the reward of being a loyal friend to the person one was closest to should be greater than trying to be that person who has to/wants to be friends with everyone. It just is not possible, not without causing pain.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> Haven't seen anything about this on the boards, but this is my current struggle.
> 
> My ex and I knew each other for about 10 years before we started dating. And we were a part of a tight circle of friends. He has insisted on trying his best to keep relationships with everyone, while I haven't been able to to do that.
> 
> ...


I recall your back story. Tell your "friend" to date your XW.... sounds as if she already is.

This is when you find out who your friends really are.

If she is staying with you, and IMO NOT a friend, charge her $99 a night to stay

or point her happy arse to the nearest hotel


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It seems they weren't the friends you thought they were.

Move on you don't need them anyway.

You can get through this.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

BlueWoman said:


> Okay feel much better. She and I talked. She had forgotten our plans, and didn't really understand what was going on.
> 
> Her response was 1) I messed up. I let you down by not making time for you.
> *2) I thought you were okay with your ex, but you are not yet and I love you way more than him, so I will happily have nothing to do with him.*
> ...


People who have never gone through infidelity have NO IDEA of the fallout.

After my ex and I split, I discovered that people I had thought were my friends were really 'mutual friends' and while they expressed sympathy, they intended to continue to be friends with both of us, just separately now. Well, I didn't need friends who weren't 100% in my corner at that point, so when I made no effort to get together with them, they didn't make an effort to support me, and the friendships fell away. If they want to be keep someone in their life who is so selfish as to cheat on the person they swore loyalty to in a church, that's their problem.

As for your friend's #2 statement above, what's with the word 'yet' in there? Who would ever be okay being friends with someone who cheats and lies? Is the passage of time going to make that person suddenly become trustworthy?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think you all are hitting on why divorce is so devastating. It's not just the loss of the spouse, it's all these other ancillary losses that cause so much stress. That's why its common to have anxiety depression and panic attacks while going through a separation. It's much more than just the ex. Dude


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My current friend dilemma is that my good friend and her husband own the bar where my spouse and I met, began dating etc.
I am seeing a lot of her now. But if I want to see her on a weekend, it is difficult as she usually helps her husband in the bar. That is a place I cut off of my list years ago, even though my (soon-to-be ex) husband does not go there anymore. Still, his old friends all do, and he used to be best friends with my friend's husband (he was our best man for wedding). I feel like it would be disloyal, and uncomfortable, to ever go there now. Today she is there for the fantasy draft kick-off party. Considered going but again, it feels like "horning in" on my ex's old hangout. Most people do not know we separataed last year, much less that we are in the middle of a divorce.

Anyway...guess I am just saying there are always going to be choices afterward, made by your friends, his friends and yourself. In my case, my spouse and I are kind of friendly still as needed, and I prefer to keep it that way. There was no infidelity on either part, just a stale, non-communicative relationship made worse by health issues on both sides. I know he would hear of me going there, somehow, and he would be hurt, maybe even angry. So I won't.


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