# Wife won't have sex... HELP



## lost army guy (Feb 20, 2014)

Thanks for reading.

A little background. We have been together for 11 years, married for 3.5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. We both work full-time, me in the Army, her in Insurance. I'm 28, she is 26. We get along pretty good most of the time. 

So basically like the title says my wife does not like to have sex at all. We have sex usually once every couple weeks. The sex is basically "duty sex", it's the same position, same foreplay, same everything, every single time. Has been this way for years, unfortunately. Can't remember the last time I got a BJ or handy. 

I like to think I am a good husband, but it obviously isn't doing anything to make our sex life better. I need help with trying to figure out what is wrong with her or me and what I should do about it. 

I do all the cooking, all the laundry, I stay home if the kid is sick, I handle the finances, I by her nice gifts for holidays and anniversaries (Coach purse at Christmas, Jewelry for Birthday) I send flowers for now reason, I do all the dishes, I pretty much do as much as I can so she doesn't have to. I am a great father (I had a bad one growing up) I am always home, I do not go out with friends, I don't drink, I am not fat, I treat her like a queen. I just don't know what else to do to be a better husband. 

I am starting to get really upset about this. I don't know if she is cheating, doesn't love me anymore, isn't attracted to me, I can't figure it out. She says she just doesn't like to have sex. However, every single time we do she always has at least one O if not 2 or 3. 

What is wrong with me??? Please help!!!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lost army guy said:


> Thanks for reading.
> 
> A little background. We have been together for 11 years, married for 3.5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. We both work full-time, me in the Army, her in Insurance. I'm 28, she is 26. We get along pretty good most of the time.
> 
> ...


The part I bolded is likely playing a large part. Doing that stuff is not masculine and killing her attraction for you.

You need to read a book called Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Despite the title it's not about sex, it's about how to keep your wife sexually attracted to you. Make the changes in yourself needed but don't tell her why. DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU'RE READING THIS OR ANY OTHER SELF HELP BOOK! You need to seem to be spontaneously returning to the person she originally married rather than the servant you became.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Yep, read MMSL. 

In the meantime. Shift focus to yourself a little bit more. If you're not in shape, get in shape. If you don't have hobbies that you actively pursue, get hobbies (or return to what you did). Helping around the house is important, but you need to find the line between helping out 50/50 and just being her b*tch. Stop talking to her about it or whining about how she feels ("why dont you want me, why cant we have sex" ) and if she rejects you, act like "oh well". Google 'outcome independence', and live it. If you want more good tips, look at a thread I started. There is some good advice there from others.

I am only a few months ahead of where you are today. So while I haven't resolved it, I've made active changes that can feel difficult to start.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

How much time do you and your wife spend together, all by yourselves, doing fun date-like things? Are the two of you emotionally intimate? You don't need to be the butler, and you shouldn't be a Nice Guy (see the book _No More Mister Nice Guy_). My guess is that all that stuff you're doing to try to make her happy isn't actually meeting her emotional needs. You think it should, so you're frustrated when you aren't getting sex in return for your efforts. But few women fall in love just because a man keeps house. So, you need to figure out what her emotional needs actually are, stop running yourself ragged working to fill needs she doesn't actually have (like housework) and focus on meeting the needs that are going to have real impact with her. Work smarter, not harder.

I highly recommend the books _Fall In Love, Stay In Love _or _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Here is what you can do it works every time: Next time she is in bed throw six kittens in the bed with her. When she asks whats going you tell her its pallbearers for her dead pvssy. Then when she leaves you can find someone who appreciates you. Of course I never had the balz to do this myself. Or you could read the afore mentioned books and apply them. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pallbearers for her dead pvssy! Classic!

Thound you're on a roll lately!:rofl:


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Pallbearers for her dead pvssy! Classic!
> 
> Thound you're on a roll lately!:rofl:


Stole that from my former boss. I loved that man. But not in a gay way. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Thound said:


> Here is what you can do it works every time: Next time she is in bed throw six kittens in the bed with her.


Six kittens? OMG! Squee!!!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Six kittens? OMG! Squee!!!!


Yeah, but you have to kill your pvssy first. I'm thinking it's not worth it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yeah, but you have to kill your pvssy first. I'm thinking it's not worth it.


Yeah, sorry. I got distracted.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Agree with the advice to read MMSL. You are no longer an "ALPHA" male in her eyes; you have become the dreaded "BETA" male/slave who is doing all the domestic chores.

What women want (I am a woman so I speak from experience ) is a caveman who has dominant traits and refuses to be p*ssy-whipped into being the housemaid.

Read the book, assert your authority, reclaim your manliness.

Why doesn't she want to have sex with you? Simple... she's "just not that into you" right now. She's got it made. A house, a kid, financial security, and now that she's got it she feels there's nothing else she has to do to maintain that lifestyle. Um, sorry honey but the quickest way to lose all that is to stop having sex with your husband.

Read the book!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

You are doing way to much in the relationship. Not sure if it caused her to loose respect for you, but its possible. 

What's her love language? With the stuff you mentioned, you already crossed off acts of service and receiving gifts. And to be safe ill cross of physical touch. That leaves words of affirmation (mine) and quality time. I would find out her love language and read his needs her needs and fall in love stay in love. In my opinion the Married mans sex life primer is not that great unless a you want is sex and love is not important to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lost army guy said:


> Thanks for reading.
> 
> A little background. We have been together for 11 years, married for 3.5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. We both work full-time, me in the Army, her in Insurance. I'm 28, she is 26. We get along pretty good most of the time.
> 
> ...


Nothings wrong with you. She gets all the attention and time she needs from you and she doesn't need to change anything.

Do you think men in the world pedastalize your wife? No, they typically don't. They talk level with her like they are in the same game. What it does to you since you pedastalize her, and she's not doing you is she will look at these other men who are level with her, as over you.

Also doing all the work, zero friction and argumentation, dulls the spark.

you can't do all the chores so she doesn't have to. It's the same if an unappreciative husband did the same thing, wife does everything around there so he won't have to, and he lays back and ignores her.

Some of the MAP and social validation things will work for you. Sounds like you are in very good physical shape and look attractive too.

I'd make a void in some of the activities you were performing for her, also make a void in time by being elsewhere. Be somewhere where you get female attention, be friendly, just get back used to being the man around females.

She will miss that void and possibly come to you to fix it. You need her to come to you, you have been persuing her long enough. It's time to pull back and do you, no one is going to die here. It's something that happens.

Also if she is doing some activities out side of the house which make you taken for granted, such as GNO's, clubbing, remote vacations alone... Do the same thing to her. Don't complain about it. Let her feel what it feels like. She may become to observe the errors of her own ways. Do it for you because it's fun and not to get her back, but it needs to be done.

This is a 3-6 months project and you keep some of the new activities and priorities in your life intact. You are now going to start managing attention and attraction to a certain extent. It cannot be ignored.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to do more for yourself and be less of a beta house husband. Could you knock down a deer with your humvee on the way home, and then hang it up from a tree in your back yard and gut it. Hand her a liver in a bucket and tell her you want it fried with onions for dinner. Put the bloody butcher clothes on the floor in front of the washing machine and whistle as you go to the shower.

Your daughter loves you, right?

GettingIt is a woman who was LD for a long time. Read the threads to which she has contributed. There is a lot to learn on them. Above all don't accept your situation. If you do, it could drag on for years.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yeah, but you have to kill your pvssy first. I'm thinking it's not worth it.


He could drive a stake in it.

Oh, wait, that's the _problem_, not the _solution_!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Have you tried being more dominant in bed, giving the orders, do this, do that, lie like this......see if it turns her on.

Don't ask, just tell, it may spice it up. I can't see why you have sex the same way every time? I'd be telling her, no baby, tonight I'm going to have your sexy little body THIS way. (After a lot of kissing and foreplay of course.)


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

All this "gotta alpha up, stop being so beta" to be attractive to your wife is getting to me. Why the bleep should we have to work so hard to change who we are???? Didn't she marry us for who we are?

I haven't had this problem yet. hope i never do. Jeeshhh!!!


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## lost army guy (Feb 20, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I just don't understand how you don't want to have sex with your husband if they do everything in their power to make your life as enjoyable as possible. I understand how she may not think of me as a man like she used to. With that being said, I guess some things are going to have to change because I can't live like this forever. If I try and initiate I get the "seriously, we just did it" or "I'm tired". I stopped initiating a while ago and will not do it anymore. Of course she gets mad and tells me that maybe I would get laid more if I tried for it. Screw that, I am good looking, in shape, and believe me she knows I'm a man! Being in the military and seeing some of the things I've seen has made me realize life
Is too short and can be gone in an instant. No reason not to live a happy enjoyable life. Maybe I just need to start thinking about divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Been together 11 years??
So she was 15 when you started dating?

So as others have said stop doing everything. She will fight you on this since she is used to you doing everything and her doing basically nothing. Stand firm though. Don't give in when she gets mad. 

As for sex, try different things. And don't be scared to be a little rough. Pound away like its the last time you two are going to have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to have a conversation that starts with "I'm tired of being a doormat".


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

lost army guy said:


> Thanks everyone for all the advice. I just don't understand how you don't want to have sex with your husband if they do everything in their power to make your life as enjoyable as possible. I understand how she may not think of me as a man like she used to. With that being said, I guess some things are going to have to change because I can't live like this forever. If I try and initiate I get the "seriously, we just did it" or "I'm tired". I stopped initiating a while ago and will not do it anymore. Of course she gets mad and tells me that maybe I would get laid more if I tried for it. Screw that, I am good looking, in shape, and believe me she knows I'm a man! Being in the military and seeing some of the things I've seen has made me realize life
> Is too short and can be gone in an instant. No reason not to live a happy enjoyable life. Maybe I just need to start thinking about divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Women think totally different than men, she does like sex but does not have the same mind set as you. Women tend to hide it but they are horny. 

Read married mans sex guide and implement it. It does not always work for everyone but I think it will in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> All this "gotta alpha up, stop being so beta" to be attractive to your wife is getting to me. Why the bleep should we have to work so hard to change who we are???? Didn't she marry us for who we are?


Sorry Jorge, but I have to disagree with this. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that most men were much more Alpha when they were dating and pursuing their wives. Married life has a way of domesticating all of us and making us more complacent. We get comfortable with familiarity, men lean towards becoming Mr. Moms and women become more nagging -- however, this is NOT a dynamic that has to occur if people would resist the urge to just "settle in" to complacency.

Gotta keep that spark alive. Caveman all the way.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> All this "gotta alpha up, stop being so beta" to be attractive to your wife is getting to me. Why the bleep should we have to work so hard to change who we are???? Didn't she marry us for who we are?


The problem, of course, is that many married people eventually reach a point where they are _not_ who they were before marriage. If your spouse was hot for you in the beginning, it always makes sense to check to see if you're still the person he or she was hot for. If not, then moving back toward being that person may provide some benefits.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lost army guy,

Please listen cause this is the truth. 

1. Your wife may be initiating sex but in a very covert hidden way. I used to do this too. Stupid I know. I started a thread last week about the silly covert ways some wives try to initiate sex. From changing the sheets, to making a nice dinner, to wearing something pretty to bed... Search for it. It might help.

2. Lots of women feel like once they are married and are mothers, they're not supposed to be highly sexual creatures. This is founded in our culture and in many religions. It is pure bunk! 

3. If you don't initiate, the message she gets ( as opposed to the message you're trying to send) is that you are no longer attracted to her and don't want sex with her. So not initiating is actually shooting yourself in the foot.

4. The rate of rejection is one major issue. The second is your desire to BE DESIRED. When a man wants his wife to demonstrate her desire for him, for sex with him, he really needs to come out and say it because this isn't something that is even on most women's radar. I know I used to think that being available for sex was in itself showing desire for him... Yes stupid I know!

Before you continue your sex initiation strike or talk of divorce I strongly urge you to have a talk with her alone, away from the bedroom. It's important to say, *"I need to feel your desire for me. I feel such hurt and rejection when I initiate and you turn away. I need sex with you in order to feel your love for me, so when you turn away I feel unloved and personally rejected."*

Once you have this conversation expressing your needs. How she responds will be an indicator of what is really going on in your marriage. She may not have lost attraction, or she may have. But I can almost promise you that she isn't going to admit it if she has, we all know how hurtful that will be. I just think it's best to take it a step at a time. Don't start a new program until you know that's what the issue is.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

AP - I am in total agreement on pts 3 and 4. I did those as part of my mmslp experiment and I think they really hit home. These are critical points, but easily forgotten. I think #1 and #2 occur, but they are minor compared to 3 and 4, imo.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

lost army guy said:


> Thanks everyone for all the advice. I just don't understand how you don't want to have sex with your husband if they do everything in their power to make your life as enjoyable as possible. I understand how she may not think of me as a man like she used to. With that being said, I guess some things are going to have to change because I can't live like this forever. If I try and initiate I get the "seriously, we just did it" or "I'm tired". I stopped initiating a while ago and will not do it anymore. Of course she gets mad and tells me that maybe I would get laid more if I tried for it. Screw that, I am good looking, in shape, and believe me she knows I'm a man! Being in the military and seeing some of the things I've seen has made me realize life
> Is too short and can be gone in an instant. No reason not to live a happy enjoyable life. Maybe I just need to start thinking about divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Look, I get it. The two of you have been together since you were basically children. While that can be a wonderful thing, it can also mean that you two really never developed the skills needed for a functioning adult relationship. Before you call it quits, actually try some things that stand a chance of making your marriage better. I like Anon Pink's suggestions above.

But, I still think you're confusing doing things for her and expecting sex in return, with meeting one another's real emotional needs. For you, sex is probably a primary emotional need. For her, it probably is not. Nothing wrong with that, and pretty typical for men and women to have differing needs. If she were here, I would advise her to have more sex with you to see if you would respond by beginning to meet her needs. Since you're here and she's not, I'm going to advise you to figure out what her actual needs are and do your best to meet them. Hint: chores probably are not on the list, so you should stop doing more than your fair share. See if she is willing to meet your need for sex within the framework of a mutual and reciprocally emotionally fulfilling relationship - not in exchange for the dishes or the laundry. If not, then you re-evaluate from there.

Try asking your wife to read _His Needs, Her Needs _with you. You both could probably learn a lot about what it means to be in a mature healthy relationship.


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## stonepaper (Feb 20, 2014)

Self esteem sounds like a big issue for you right? Work on your self-esteem and assert yourself. In my view it's ok to have sexual demands in a marriage. Sounds like you just want to be appreciated and have regular sex, bjs or whatever. Not much to ask for so ask for it. If the other posts are right about being to soft for her, get your ass to the gym three times a week. Will help your self esteem, how she views you and you'll get ripped and full of testosterone. If she still doesn't show interest then I'd worry it was something else.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Lost army guy,
> 
> Please listen cause this is the truth.
> 
> ...


This would prolly work if he didnt get rejected with excuses every time he initiated.

Been there, done that. After a while its not even worth trying anymore. How much rejection can a guy take before resentment sets in?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The problem, of course, is that many married people eventually reach a point where they are _not_ who they were before marriage. If your spouse was hot for you in the beginning, it always makes sense to check to see if you're still the person he or she was hot for. If not, then moving back toward being that person may provide some benefits.


Now this makes sense. people do change, and the wear and tear of marriage can beat down a man with a dominant woman, where he becomes too much of a yes man and loses her respect.

i get it


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Sorry Jorge, but I have to disagree with this. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that most men were much more Alpha when they were dating and pursuing their wives. Married life has a way of domesticating all of us and making us more complacent. We get comfortable with familiarity, men lean towards becoming Mr. Moms and women become more nagging -- however, this is NOT a dynamic that has to occur if people would resist the urge to just "settle in" to complacency.
> 
> Gotta keep that spark alive. Caveman all the way.


You are absolutely right Happy!

I guess Im thinking more of the guy who Doesn't change, but She does and tries to gain control of the relationship. It happens both ways. But i still do think a lot of guys are beta from day one and somehow along the way, she decides it's not sexy enough. That's what gets my dander up.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

NMMNG and/or MMSLP are required reading ASAP BUT you definitely need to dig into a possible EA or PA. I see all the red flags. Do you have free reign with any of her mobile phones, email, or facebook? If it hasn't happened yet, it might REAL soon. The clock is ticking...


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## lost army guy (Feb 20, 2014)

MrHappy said:


> NMMNG and/or MMSLP are required reading ASAP BUT you definitely need to dig into a possible EA or PA. I see all the red flags. Do you have free reign with any of her mobile phones, email, or facebook? If it hasn't happened yet, it might REAL soon. The clock is ticking...


I have been having the feeling like she may be doing something behind my back but don't have any proof. Can you explain what you mean by you see all the red flags? I have checked her Facebook, email, and phone and have found nothing. Also we have pretty boring lives and do not go out much by ourselves other than to work and occasional short trip to store or something. I don't if I have that feeling like she is cheating because I keep getting pushed away or what. Thanks for insight and help!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

lost army guy said:


> Thanks for reading.
> 
> A little background. We have been together for 11 years, married for 3.5 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. We both work full-time, me in the Army, her in Insurance. I'm 28, she is 26. We get along pretty good most of the time.
> 
> ...



This needs to stop. It works in the movies, seldom in real life, and ESPECIALLY when she is giving little in return. You're giving her no reason to change. You're essentially training her to continue to behave this way.

I'm at the donkey's-ass end of a very very similar situation and I will tell you that this road leads straight to S-h-i-t-s-v-i-l-l-e. I am on the verge of extricating myself so it's too raw for me to offer succinct advice; I'll let those on the other side do that. But I just wanted to say -- I feel you.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

VAR in her car and somewhere around the house where she could talk to someone when you aren't around. Keylogger on the computer.


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