# Talking to a "friend" Has he crossed a line?



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Recently I have felt like there is just something off with my marriage. We've been together 20 years and we have had more than our share of ups and downs to be honest, with the things life has thrown at us but through it all I thought we were solid. Last year we did go through a rough patch where we argued a lot, but we seemed to come out the other side. 

However, recently things just don't seem right and it's been hard to put my finger on what exactly is wrong, but thinking about it he has been a bit distant and unemotional with me. For example, sometimes I go to hug him and he'll give me a hug for about as little time as he can get away with before walking away. It feels like he can't get away quick enough. When he comes home and says hello to me, it's like... nothing. He could be saying hello to anyone, there's no hug, no kiss, he doesn't seem happy to see me anymore.

I could put this down to stresses and situations in our lives. But there's this one thing. He is a member of some groups online and I'm aware that he chats to people from them online, outside of the groups. I'm not naturally a jealous person and I'm usually unbothered by this, except for this one woman. She was in an abusive relationship and for ages kept leaving then going back to it and he was talking to her through all of this, I think she saw him as some kind of emotional support. She is now out of it for good, for definite. He always seems to be chatting to her recently, one night he was even chatting to her on his laptop after he came to bed, I only saw this because I got up, he had the screen facing away from me.

This has really started to unnerve me, in fact I'd say it's got to the point where it's eating me. He always said I had free access to anything on his devices, he has nothing to hide. So I took him at his word and had a look at the chat between him and this woman. The sheer amount of flirting, innuendo, kisses, loveheart emojis etc made me feel physically sick. 

He hasn't said an awful lot about me, but at one point lately they were talking about height, and he said one of our teenage sons isn't as tall as the other and doesn't like it, to which she said, oh he has his Mum's height then, nothing wrong with being short. To which he replied, "She's short and fat though, lol. Not the best mix." After which he basically told her that even at his heaviest he was all muscle (not true) and she's assured him that she may be short but she's skinny. 

Other examples are, he showed her a picture of a cucumber he has grown and she said it looks a bit flat, he replied, "It has the length, girth comes with age.  " 

She sent him a photo of her daughter's back, which has something wrong with it, and he said, "Now turn." And then, "Oh crap, thought it was you lol."

At one point he told her he was ill in bed, and she said at least he'll get a bedbath from me. And he said, "Chance would be a fine thing, so if you're offering then pop over." She replied, "I would but you're married lmao." He told her I wouldn't mind!

At one point she told him she was sending him something and asked him, raspberry or cherry flavour, he said cherry and then said, "Whoop whoop I took [her name]'s cherry.  "

Amongst others. This kind of makes it sound like it's all him, but it's definitely not. She's said things like he'd be a sight for sore eyes, that he's the only man she trusts, that when she's at a low ebb she thinks of him and it keeps her going and that after chatting for so long he's stuck with her. All the heart emojis and kisses and everything definitely going two ways.

Now, I can't believe I have to ask this but I am also full of self-doubt. Has he crossed a line here?? He doesn't know I've seen all this yet, I don't think. 

Wow, that was long. Sorry. Thanks for reading.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

You are going to get a lot of people here telling you that a line was definitely crossed and that you should look for either counselling or therapy or a divorce. My first question is did the two of you ever discuss where the lines were? The idea that they should be obvious and are the same for everyone is a myth. Now I am not dismissing that these actions hurt you, but if you have not told hims what hurts you, he cannot be expected to have magically known, just as you should not be expected to magically know what has hurt him or caused him to start acting this way. You need to point out to him what he is doing that hurts you. Pick a time when there is no conflict happening, and use responsive language. Lines like "I feel _emotion _when you _action_". Don't start with "you do this...." because that can come across as accusatory and place him in defense mode.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lj2932 said:


> Has he crossed a line here??


Ok. I'll be the first. Yes. He has crossed THE line. And, he knows it. Demand that his relationship with this woman STOP, NOW, and FOREVER. The woman has crossed THE line, too. It is a good thing to help someone, but the purpose of this is no longer any kind of "help", it is feeding the egos and, in my opinion, is a violation of the marital vows.

If his answer is that he is "helping", then tell him that he can help all he wants, in your presence. You want to help, too.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Of course he has.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

maquiscat said:


> You are going to get a lot of people here telling you that a line was definitely crossed and that you should look for either counselling or therapy or a divorce. Now I am not dismissing that these actions hurt you, but if you have not told hims what hurts you, he cannot be expected to have magically known, just as you should not be expected to magically know what has hurt him or caused him to start acting this way.


I would say for everyone in monogamous elationship partners KNOW this is crossing a line for them. This is one of the rules that everyone knows. If they were ok with more partners, they would have discussed that long time ago. They did not. They are one on one relationship.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

The fact that he is putting you down constantly to her tells you more I feel than the flirting. It shows you that he has very little respect for you. A man that is decent and in love with his wife would not cross this line.

Also the fact that he is ‘helping’ a vulnerable woman by laying it in thick and being sexually suggestive hints and not such a good guy in my books. Sorry, I feel this is a really bad sign.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yes, he is crossing the line. He is playing with fire and if this continues he will probably end up in bed with her, if he hasn't already.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Of course he has. And barring any marriage special circumstances or freedoms that have definitely been pre-agreed.....

The lines he's crossed have no need to be predetermined. 

These lines being good taste; courteousness; being considerate; emotional flirting with disregard of SO's feelings, and more ie strife causing, disrespectful, isolating (to you).


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yes.

I'd leave the relationship about the short and fat comment, alone. Said to another woman? No ****ing way. Nope.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm one of those that's going to tell you he did cross a line. I think it's crap to say "you never told him this was not okay in your marriage so how is he to know?" No offense to that poster. Sending suggestive messages and putting down your spouse is not okay and is exactly the kind of thing that leads to affairs. He is disconnecting from you because he is connecting with her. But lucky him...he still gets you to do all the stuff you do for him, dinner, laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc. Start to distance yourself from him too...he might find he doesn't want that as much as he thought.

I'd make some copies of their messages and then confront him. If he wants to continue your marriage he will need to stop contacting her immediately and he owes you a HUGE apology for putting you down to her. So disrespectful. 

SO sorry you're dealing with this.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At a minimum, he wants some “interest” from someone else. How far that goes is unknown right now. But the seeds are being sown for potential problems down the road.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H is getting ego kibbles from OW. The texting has now become a cat and mouse game. Apparently your H has an issue with your physical attributes. Your H is in an emotional affair. Time to brighten his day with some reading of "Not Just Friends". You may also enlighten him to what D would look like. Sorry your H has gone off the rails.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

One more for yes. Way over the line. 
Take screenshots for proof. 
Draw a hard line and stick to it 
Good luck


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He is facking up and he [email protected] well knows it.

Don’t hand me this bull$hit about did you tell him it isn’t right .... Ppffttt.. as if !


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> I would say for everyone in monogamous elationship partners KNOW this is crossing a line for them. This is one of the rules that everyone knows. If they were ok with more partners, they would have discussed that long time ago. They did not. They are one on one relationship.


I will disagree with you, especially in the face of the fact that I know monogamous people who would not call this crossing the line.Even among the monogamous there are people who flirt just to flirt and their spouses are fine with it. And of course there are those couples where the one flirts just to flirt, and the spouse says nothing but isn't fine. But if they say nothing then it's on them, not the flirter.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> I will disagree with you, especially in the face of the fact that I know monogamous people who would not call this crossing the line.Even among the monogamous there are people who flirt just to flirt and their spouses are fine with it. And of course there are those couples where the one flirts just to flirt, and the spouse says nothing but isn't fine. But if they say nothing then it's on them, not the flirter.


Hmmm so what you are saying is that most of us that have found our other half cheating we should have told them all of the scenarios in which we feel it is cheating? I think where you are slightly confused with things is some light flirting with the barista etc would be ok in most relationships but suggestive texting with cucumbers, mocking your wife, and hinting for pics is totally fine! The woman shows very poor boundaries, sending this guy a photo of her daughters naked back to start with and he is being cruel to his wife behind her back. How is that ok? Maybe in your world but I'm thinking not in most unless you have some sort of prior arrangement which I'm sensing the OP does not.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Lines like "I feel _emotion _when you _action_". Don't start with "you do this...." because that can come across as accusatory and place him in defense mode.


This is good advice, thank you.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

TJW said:


> If his answer is that he is "helping", then tell him that he can help all he wants, in your presence. You want to help, too.


Well, this is another thing. We have apparently both been invited to go and visit her, I have no idea what THAT would look like but needless to say, I would rather not.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> The fact that he is putting you down constantly to her tells you more I feel than the flirting. It shows you that he has very little respect for you. A man that is decent and in love with his wife would not cross this line.


In the interest of accuracy I should point out that it isn't constantly, it just appeared to be the one time really. I don't seem to figure much in their conversations at all, which seems to me to tell it's own story.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> Yes, he is crossing the line. He is playing with fire and if this continues he will probably end up in bed with her, if he hasn't already.


I know he hasn't yet, because she lives too far away and he hasn't been anywhere.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yes.
> 
> I'd leave the relationship about the short and fat comment, alone. Said to another woman? No ****ing way. Nope.


I know, that really stung. I felt like he was throwing me under the bus, subtly trying to signal to her that he does not find me attractive. I mean, it may be true! But in the context of the conversation they were having I could see no good reason at all why he needed to say that about me to another woman.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> I will disagree with you, especially in the face of the fact that I know monogamous people who would not call this crossing the line.Even among the monogamous there are people who flirt just to flirt and their spouses are fine with it. And of course there are those couples where the one flirts just to flirt, and the spouse says nothing but isn't fine. But if they say nothing then it's on them, not the flirter.


I can kind of see what you're saying, it's not like he's never flirted mildly with someone else and I haven't been phased. But this has gone beyond that.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Thanks so much for replying. I had my own thoughts on whether he has crossed the line here - i.e. yes, SO far over it - but I didn't want to lead anyone to reply the same way. I think it's worth noting that there is _no way_ on earth that he would ever accept me behaving like this with another man. 

I still haven't said anything. I keep going over in my head, how to do it. Ironically, today is our wedding anniversary and I don't want to taint it forever (assuming that he doesn't do something like choose her and leave) so that in future years this is all it's associated with. I'm trying hard to hold it together but this hurts. It really hurts.

Strangely, their chats have gone from every day, multiple times daily, to nothing over the last few days. I'm not sure if he somehow knows I have seen them and I am suspicious that they have moved to holding their mutual ego-stroking fests another way that I can't keep an eye on so easily. 

I just don't know how to go about this. I mean, in theory, I do. But when it comes to the thought of actually doing something I baulk at it. It feels too much, too difficult. I suppose it's because I know there's a chance this may mean the end of my marriage and once the can is open and the worms are everywhere there'll be no stuffing them back in. I don't know if I can expect that he will say, I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting you, of course I'll stop, or whether he'll deny, minimise and refuse to cut contact. If he does that I only have two choices; to end things myself, which I don't WANT to have to do, or do nothing and watch this thing die a death by a thousand cuts while I get eaten up with jealousy. What a choice. But maybe I'm just catastrophising. I mean I don't know what's going to happen.


----------



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

[QUOTE="lj2932, post: 20159354, member: 345368"

I just don't know how to go about this. I mean, in theory, I do. But when it comes to the thought of actually doing something I baulk at it. It feels too much, too difficult. I suppose it's because I know there's a chance this may mean the end of my marriage and once the can is open and the worms are everywhere there'll be no stuffing them back in. I don't know if I can expect that he will say, I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting you, of course I'll stop, or whether he'll deny, minimise and refuse to cut contact. If he does that I only have two choices; to end things myself, which I don't WANT to have to do, or do nothing and watch this thing die a death by a thousand cuts while I get eaten up with jealousy. What a choice. But maybe I'm just catastrophising. I mean I don't know what's going to happen.
[/QUOTE]

This type of thing is never easy, but I found this forum to be very helpful. Though people tell you things you may not want to hear, but when you read back later as I did you realize how spot-on some of them are. One thing that really helped me during my bad days. It's called subconscious writing

Get a note pad or exercise book and a pen. Make sure you will not be interrupted and don't think just write and write, more like scrawl it's like word vomiting whatever comes into your head. The idea is not re-read it back but to let your mind help you resolve thoughts and fears. It's very helpful. Just don't try and control what you write, that won't work. Let everything pour out of your heart and mind onto the page. You don't need to look at it again but things should become clearer for you. I hope this helps with the stress and anxiety.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

m.t.t said:


> Hmmm so what you are saying is that most of us that have found our other half cheating we should have told them all of the scenarios in which we feel it is cheating? I think where you are slightly confused with things is some light flirting with the barista etc would be ok in most relationships but suggestive texting with cucumbers, mocking your wife, and hinting for pics is totally fine! The woman shows very poor boundaries, sending this guy a photo of her daughters naked back to start with and he is being cruel to his wife behind her back. How is that ok? Maybe in your world but I'm thinking not in most unless you have some sort of prior arrangement which I'm sensing the OP does not.


First, you threw in the most, not me. Please don't try to misrepresent what I am saying. What I _am _saying is that there is a lot of difference between people as to what means what. We have people on here that even _light _flirting is the equivalent to cheating. And that is before we look at things like perception, where one person might call certain actions as flirting, and other would not. My point is that too often people are making claims of cheating or at least dishonesty as if there were some kind of universal standard, which there is not.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

lj2932 said:


> I can kind of see what you're saying, it's not like he's never flirted mildly with someone else and I haven't been phased. But this has gone beyond that.


I can only go by what you put here, and I try not to make leaps to conclusions. Even if there was nothing going on, the comments about your body were over the top. The more you put out, the more I am shifting away from my initial cautionary stance, but I still try to account for perspective. Lord knows I have often mistaken what others are doing because of my mindset. I won't say you are or are not, only that I take such into account, since I am working from limited information.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> I can only go by what you put here, and I try not to make leaps to conclusions. Even if there was nothing going on, the comments about your body were over the top. The more you put out, the more I am shifting away from my initial cautionary stance, but I still try to account for perspective. Lord knows I have often mistaken what others are doing because of my mindset. I won't say you are or are not, only that I take such into account, since I am working from limited information.


It's always good to hear a different perspective, I didn't just want to be asking about this in an echo chamber. I can assure you that I considered what you said quite carefully and appreciated the input as with everyone else who has replied to me. Thank you.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> One thing that really helped me during my bad days. It's called subconscious writing
> 
> Get a note pad or exercise book and a pen. Make sure you will not be interrupted and don't think just write and write, more like scrawl it's like word vomiting whatever comes into your head. The idea is not re-read it back but to let your mind help you resolve thoughts and fears. It's very helpful. Just don't try and control what you write, that won't work. Let everything pour out of your heart and mind onto the page. You don't need to look at it again but things should become clearer for you. I hope this helps with the stress and anxiety.


Thank you for reminding me of this. It's something I used to do first thing every morning after reading a book by Julia Cameron called The Artist's Way but for some reason, at some point I stopped. I should reread that book.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Chatting with the OW probably stopped because you found out. Your H is letting it cool off or they have taken it under ground communicating a different way. 

As far as what to do and your not sure...you are putting yourself out of your safe zone. It is a uncertain path coming. You can make the path certain by taking charge of the issue. Talk to a lawyer. See what D will look like is a good place to start.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Not only he crossed the line but he disrespected you talking about you to his “ friend”. I am sorry that you had to read those words.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@lj2932 Ot's very noble of your husband to be a knight in shining armour for that woman. Really lovely, and all that. But... what about you, his wife?

He needs to remember that as well as a knight in shining armour, he is also a husband. Your husband.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

So, I've seen a couple more messages. They have been talking on Whatsapp but I can't get into that, he has a PIN on it. Anyway, there's really just no point continuing to look because they have a secure chat on messenger and you can send messages on there that just delete themselves after a certain time, so I would just never know.

One of the messages, he is talking about an activity I'm not mad about him doing but have let him do anyway and have even helped him with at times and he is obviously telling her I'm stopping him from doing it because he says I'm being so stubborn about it that it would be quicker to divorce me.  

I mean, really. Just why. Why does he feel the need to sow that seed in her mind.

Not even sure WHAT I'm feeling at this point.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

lj2932 said:


> So, I've seen a couple more messages. They have been talking on Whatsapp but I can't get into that, he has a PIN on it. Anyway, there's really just no point continuing to look because they have a secure chat on messenger and you can send messages on there that just delete themselves after a certain time, so I would just never know.
> 
> One of the messages, he is talking about an activity I'm not mad about him doing but have let him do anyway and have even helped him with at times (not sexual, don't worry, and he is obviously telling her I'm stopping him from doing it because he says I'm being so stubborn about it that it would be quicker to divorce me.
> 
> ...


Oh god, that bit where it says not sexual should have been edited out! The way I worded it the first time I'd kind of managed to make it sound suspiciously like sexual coercion, which it is not! Please ignore that.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

lj2932 said:


> Oh god, that bit where it says not sexual should have been edited out! The way I worded it the first time I'd kind of managed to make it sound suspiciously like sexual coercion, which it is not! Please ignore that.


Click the 3 dots on the top right of your post to edit.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Clearly your husband is having, at minimum, an EA. If he had nothing to hide, he would hide nothing. Simple as that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband needs a reality check.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

bobert said:


> Click the 3 dots on the top right of your post to edit.


Thanks!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Who knows if he actually means the things he tells her or if they’re just a tactic to draw her in and keep her interested. If you asked him, he’d deny there was anything to it but at minimum he’s working himself into a full-blown EA.


----------



## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Oh wow... Reading your story. TERRIBLE!!!

So much in there is just BS, and you shouldn't have to be treated so disrespectfully by him. Clearly he's having an EA. I've watched these things turn into more (my exH was serial cheater) and while it may not, he's crossed the line.

Personally, I'd pull away emotionally to protect myself and seek counseling for your own pain in all this. Gas lighting is used by many a sneaky liar who doesn't want to be found out and wants to shift the blame. Protect your mind, soul, and heart and journal/ document what you find and see so you can remind yourself later that you weren't imagining things being as bad as they are. And you might want to have a session with an attorney to make sure if he throws that D word around again, you're prepared!!

No excuses for his behavior!! He's wrong.
I'm sorry. So sorry for how you must be feeling. Just remember, what we allow, we will get from them. 

Don't allow this garbage! You're better than that!! ♥♥


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lj2932 said:


> Not even sure WHAT I'm feeling at this point.


What you have going on here is most likely an emotional affair and your husband is likely unaware at how hurtful it is towards you. Generally speaking it can sometimes be challenging to tell the difference between harmless/playful conversations between friends and that of a sexually charged communication that tends to pull one away from their spouse. Everyone grows up learning to be flirtatious and sometimes it is just a natural instinct to enjoy making others laugh or smile. Then someone starts to enjoy that a little too much and gets a sense of euphoria from it. Then before you know it, you have a serious problem. 

Awkwardly, most emotional affairs serve as some form of "escape" from daily stress and life. Kind of like two people driving cars with engine problems and making each other laugh about it. At the end of the day, both have serious problems and escaping from that only serves to make problems worse. "OMG Ha ha ha look at that big ball of smoke that just came out of my car, and are those bolts and metal fragments falling from my engine WTF HAHAHA!" At some point the joy ride is over and the reality of having to address problems will be very sobering. 

The good news is that it can feel good in relationships to work on problems. You have to come from a place of being patient and asking for help. Try to avoid coming from a place of anger and accusations. 

A few tips:

A really yummy meal together is a great place to start a conversation
Try to exercise together
Never underestimate a back rub
Aroma therapy helps (as in try some new fabric softeners of bath soaps to create new and fresh smells as this will trigger a sense of something new in the relationship)
Try new recipes (subscribe to one of those online meal services that deliver easy to cook meal plans as they will force you and your husband to learn new flavors in the kitchen) 
Read books on how to improve your marriage

Whenever your husband is chatting with this online friend, do some subtle passive aggressive things to make him uncomfortable while soothing yourself knowing the chat will be uncomfortable for him:

Turn off the A/C
Do something that smells very foul nearby (burn some microwave popcorn)
Create noise pollution (start vacuuming)
Sneak up behind him and pour a small container of ants in his hair

You and your relationship will be better in no time!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yes, he’s totally cheating! He’s spending all his time and attention focused on HER! He’s trash talking you to her. He’s flirting with her and telling her things about you and intimacy that NO ONE should know!!!

why aren’t YOU doing something about it? Tell him to stop all contact with her! Tell him he’s betraying you and ruining the marriage by being completely inappropriate with the woman.

if he defends his behavior - have him leave immediately! Let him know he’s betrayed you - he knows he has or he wouldn’t be hiding the info!

start calling it what it is - an affair - as he is spending time and attention with a woman when that time and attention should be only focused on you.

if he chooses her - tell him you will file for divorce and get everything you can - because you don’t deserve this crappy behavior from the person you married.


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

badsanta said:


> Whenever your husband is chatting with this online friend, do some subtle passive aggressive things to make him uncomfortable while soothing yourself knowing the chat will be uncomfortable for him:
> 
> Turn off the A/C
> Do something that smells very foul nearby (burn some microwave popcorn)
> ...


Well badsanta, you certainly are bad! Whilst a lot of those suggestions aren't really feasible for one reason or another, they certainly did make me laugh! 

You also make some good points. Love the car analogy.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yeah, I'd take screenshots of their messages, publish them publically on social media naming them both and ask all my friends to share.

When he demanded I take it down my response would be "Sign the divorce papers, walk away with nothing and I will you fkn bastard"


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Yeah, I'd take screenshots of their messages, publish them publically on social media naming them both and ask all my friends to share.
> 
> When he demanded I take it down my response would be "Sign the divorce papers, walk away with nothing and I will you fkn bastard"


thats really not a bad idea! Showing them what it looks like to the general public - since they are ‘just friends’ people can weigh in on whether or not they share those interactions with their own friends.

I usually don’t agree with ‘shaming methods’ but when there is clear evidence and they don’t think it’s inappropriate... expose it to all!!!
Then file!


----------



## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> thats really not a bad idea! Showing them what it looks like to the general public - since they are ‘just friends’ people can weigh in on whether or not they share those interactions with their own friends.
> 
> I usually don’t agree with ‘shaming methods’ but when there is clear evidence and they don’t think it’s inappropriate... expose it to all!!!
> Then file!


Well, it remains to be seen whether he thinks it is inappropriate or not. And that sounds a bit scorched earth for me, I hate to see people air their dirty laundry in public. I think it makes you look a bit mental for one and for two, usually other people don't really care that much, it just provides them with a laugh/some salacious gossip. I think I would have to have utterly lost the plot for this to happen.

Obviously, I cannot rule out that I will lose the plot at some point.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It doesn’t matter if HE thinks it’s inappropriate or not! He’s been hiding it, and people don’t hide stuff unless they know it’s wrong.
What matters is how it makes YOU feel and the fact that his actions are hurting you and the marriage. That’s why decisions need to be made that gives him consequences for his bad behavior.


----------



## VickiH1105 (Jul 5, 2020)

lj2932 said:


> Recently I have felt like there is just something off with my marriage. We've been together 20 years and we have had more than our share of ups and downs to be honest, with the things life has thrown at us but through it all I thought we were solid. Last year we did go through a rough patch where we argued a lot, but we seemed to come out the other side.
> 
> However, recently things just don't seem right and it's been hard to put my finger on what exactly is wrong, but thinking about it he has been a bit distant and unemotional with me. For example, sometimes I go to hug him and he'll give me a hug for about as little time as he can get away with before walking away. It feels like he can't get away quick enough. When he comes home and says hello to me, it's like... nothing. He could be saying hello to anyone, there's no hug, no kiss, he doesn't seem happy to see me anymore.
> 
> ...


OMG! Way over the line! That’s emotional cheating if it hasn’t gone into anything further. He’s your husband and you don’t have to be having sex with someone else to be cheating. He’s giving her the time, attention, care and support he should be giving you. I would be livid. You’re allowed to be protective of your marriage. If he’s not willing to stop, get counseling to strengthen your relationship, I’m afraid he’s gone too far.


----------

