# I have 2 months before my marriage blows up. Looking for advice to fix this



## Prof_1 (Oct 31, 2017)

*Note: I just re-read this post, and it's way longer than I intended, but I wanted to try my best to give both sides to this mixed up marital mess. So I apologize for the length, but also thank anyone willing to read & possibly post any helpful thoughts or advice. Feel free to be as critical of me as you like. I just want to find a way to fix this*

I'm at a loss to come up with solution to a marital problem that I feel is a ticking time bomb that is set to go off by December 24th, with the fallout being the possible end to my marriage. In the end, this may be something requiring marriage counseling, but just looking for advice for the best way to handle this complicated issue.

My wife has banned my family from ever again coming to our house nor are they allowed to see our children for any future holidays. She's giving me an ultimatum to choose between her (and my kids) or my family & (selfish me) would like to find a way to keep both in my life.

I know I probably worded that last sentence to sound like my wife is in the wrong, but the reality is we both still love each other and get along great. We've both admitted as much. And to a certain extent, I understand her frustration with my family, but that hasn't kept us from fighting about it, to the extent we've both had doubts about our relationship should this family matter not be fixed. And the funny thing is the story behind this sounds SO stupidly simple & pointless, but it's unfortunately led to situation where there's anger on both sides (between my wife & my family), that I just don't know how to fix it. 

Again, sorry for the long background story I'm about to give, but I wanted to give some rationale into what led to the situation we're in. My wife & I have 2 kids: a 2 year old & 4 month old. Now, one of my sisters is someone who tends to not show up for family occassions that she probably should show up for. She's a great & loving person. She brings presents for our kids anytime she sees them...but it's tough to count on her to show up for things on any given occassion. Personally, it doesn't bother me too much. She should show up for some of these things, but it's not something that I get affected over. Maybe I'm just used to her behavior, I don't know, but my wife hates that she does this. A few years ago, my sister missed our daughters Christening. She said she was sick but my wife didn't buy it & she was pretty mad, but didn't bring it up to my sister, to keep the peace. About a month ago however, she also missed our son's Christening. She said she was running late, so she would just show up for the afterparty. 

On the car ride back from the Christening to our house, my wife was livid & demanded I chew her out. If I didn't, she would. I didn't want to create some blow up in the middle of our son's big day though, so I told my wife I'd talk to her and to just let me deal with it, to which she grudgingly said fine. When we pulled up to our house, my sister & her boyfriend were already there waiting. We walked up & I asked my sister what happened? She responded by pointing to her boyfriend. I had planned on talking to her about it more, however my wife jumped in and yelled to my sister "that's two (christenings) you've missed now". My sister again, just kind of smiled, shook her head & pointed to her boyfriend and said he was dragging his feet, so my wife blurted out "Then you should've left him the f*** at home!!", and she stormed into the house.

That quick comment has now led to all of our problems. My sister's boyfriend felt insulted and once she was inside, started cursing her out. Of course my wife's other family members were walking in at the time, overheard him, & reported back to my wife. When I came out to talk to him to settle him down, he told me he was sorry but she insulted him & that he & my sister were leaving.

My wife, watching from inside was getting even madder now however, because I was outside trying to fix the situation rather than having her back & ripping into him. To her, it seemed like I didn't have her back & I was taking their side. She was also furious that my parents were outside doing the same, rather than trying to get her side of the story. At this point, my sister's crying & upset that she's stuck in the middle of it, but she left with him.

So that was it. That's what led to our arguments. By me going out to talk to her boyfriend to settle things down rather than yell at him, she's upset with me that I didn't have her back. She feels like she can never again count on me, trust me, etc to ever defend her. Nor does she feel she can ever be around my sister ever again. She's banned my sister from ever stepping foot in our house ever again and last night, as she replayed this day over and over in her mind, she became more irate, & suddenly decided to ban my entire family because they've tried to stay neutral rather than try to understand her side. No more family visits, no more holidays. On my end, I'm furious with her because she didn't let me talk to my sister & deal with it in my way. She felt the need to jump in, because I didn't run in there and tear into my sister the way she wanted me to. I'm also furious that she's decided all of this banning stuff on her own. I can now no longer see my family nor can my children grow up with their grand parents unless I make a special non-holiday trip over to them (they live about 2 hrs away), simply because of this petty argument. To make matters worse, I later spoke to my parents and they asked me what my wife's going to do to fix this situation. As in, when is my wife going to come apologize to my sister? As my mother put it, "that may be her family's way, but it's not our way" (as in starting a fight in the middle of a get together). My wife has already said, she won't be going to our usual Christmas Eve at my parents, nor will she allow our kids there (not that she's preventing them from going, but she just doesn't want to be away from them for Christmas Eve), & I'll need to "choose" between being with my wife & kids...or my family...for Christmas Eve. In other words, if I go see my family, don't bother coming back home. My wife has already said, she loves me & loves being with me, but if I can't have her back on this...if I take my family's side over hers, or can't support her in her decision to ban them...she can't see us staying together.

So, again this may be something I need to seek couples therapy on. I know I have issues with trying to avoid confrontations and can be too easy going at times, so I'm sure there's things I can work on with a therapist to improve our relationship from my end. I've brought this up to my wife but as of now, she claims she's entirely in the right & doesn't need it. Just looking for some thoughts or advice. Maybe there's an angle I'm not seeing. Just trying to fix this before it most likely permanently blows up in a few months, leading to either me having to give up my family, or defend them (which will lead to my wife & I separating).


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Do you really need couples therapy to remove the stick out of your wife's ass?

I would think it would be a simple one time outpatient procedure.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Bottom line is you didn't have her back. She didn't handle your sister well. Your families taking sides which happens to be the opposite of her side. And really you just want it all go away. Your sisters boyfriend isn't family and apparently a christening is an important event to your wife. Missing two is a bit much. But your wife is overreacting. Are you sure this is the only incident that's getting your wife upset. Usually this is just the straw that broke the camels back. Your wife does have the right to see her own children on Christmas Eve and Christmas. So if she does not want to attend the family events then you need to take your children over there on some other day like the day after Christmas. Of course there is six weeks between now and Christmas to approach counseling. I can tell you however that any man who chooses family over me can go live with his family.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She sounds miserable. She sounds controlling. She sounds angry. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Start living life for you and you only. Get into amazing shape and show her you don't need her to be happy. And you can replace her at any moment you desire. That's what you need to do. Divorcing with a 4 month old will be hard, so I think you're stuck with her for at least another 3-5 years. That's what I did. I was married to a similar women that hated my family. I chose my sanity and family over her and replaced her.

Are you religious? A christening is ridiculous to anyone that thinks rationally. You seem like a rational guy who doubts that organized religion is truth. How can a 4 month old child be baptized? Poor kid. Is she a religious nut? 

Do you two have sex often? She has no respect for you, so I can't see you two being intimate.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Wow.

I can understand being disappointed in an in law not showing up for a christening but the degree to which your wife is reacting is totally over the top. Your wife sounds very controlling/dominating not only because of how she's reacted but also because she demands total submission from you on this. 

Her thought process is entirely irrational and her attitude is that of a tyrant.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

How old are all the people who are involved? I am guessing you and your wife are in your mid to late 20s? And your sister is a younger sister?

Clearly your sister is immature. First, being late to something that was obviously important to your wife, but also, blaming her boyfriend without being contrite. Seriously? He should be pissed at her and she did nothing to resolve conflict. But, that is a family issue and only a small part.

Your wife is so ridiculously over-the-top that I wouldn't blame you to tell her to eff off. How dare she put your family between you and her? What does she think, that they will never see her again, and that's an acceptable resolution? Are you kidding me? 

I'd go to my wife and say, "I love you, I love my life with you (assuming you do and there aren't any other issues between you two) but if you don't come up with a resolution that's acceptable to me regarding my family, then clearly you only care about your feelings and I am not important enough to you to put your anger and pride away. If you refuse, then I have no choice but to leave you, otherwise, I am all in."


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

I agree with NOT and your parents and think your sister deserves an apology. She sounds like a person that really loves your kids, she's just a flake. You asked your wife to let you handle it and after agreeing, she shouted down your sister in front of family. Definitely unacceptable behavior in my family. I would just roll my eyes if someone was a consistent flake and didn't show up to stuff. I might get angry if her no show directly impacted us, like not being able to get the event started on time or someting similar, but her outburst was extreme. I'm also wondering if there's something else that's been going on and this situation just made her snap?

You admit you have issues with confrontation. I would get on that so that you can support your wife in the way that she needs going forward. My brother is a very easy-going, placid person, and his wife totally runs the show now. She's also very resentful of him and makes snide comments about him behind his back. You definitely don't want to go down that path. Could you wife have been building up resentment for awhile over your easy going ways? If she feels that she has to lead the show all the time, that's going to wear a woman down.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yesterday I went to the funeral of a childhood friend of mine, Bob. He was 66- died too young.

There are 8 children in my family. His family has 6. We were all very close up to the end of high school.

At the funeral his FOO (family of origin), brothers and sisters, were all in one room at the funeral home. Bob's wife, children, etc. were all in another room. His wife had pulled something like yours has pulled, years ago. Bob had not talked to most of his siblings in about 30 years.

His older brother had heard through the grape vine that he was ill and tried many times to see him... emails, phone texts, phone calls, etc. His wife would not allow it.

His older sister was treated the same way. She was finally allowed to see him a couple of days before he died... because she was persistent and kept leaving cooked meals on their door step day after day. And Bob's wife finally allowed her to spend a few minutes with her dying brother.

The other 3 siblings all live out of town... one in Germany, one on the east coast and one on the west coast. They were denied phone and email access but did fly in for the funeral.

I almost wish I had not gone to the funeral, the fact that his wife stood between his and his family for 30 year was far sadder than his passing. We all die. How we live is all that matters.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your wife needs to grow up. She's living in some fairy tale world where everyone acts the way you want them to and you all live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, you're perpetuating that by not leading your family. As has been suggested, read No More Mr Nice Guy. You really need to read it.

If I had been you in that situation, I would have told my wife 'I WANT to support you, but I also have feelings, and you stepped over the line. I'm not going to give up my family just because they aren't acting the way you want them to. And I'm not going to give them up when you're yelling, raising your voice. If you want something to happen, tell me calmly and we'll discuss it. But I can't hear you when you're screaming.'

But read that book!
https://www.reddit.com/r/redpillboo...nd_no_more_mr_nice_guy_pdf_and_audiobook_for/


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I will freely admit that I am not that religious so the significance is not that great for me. But your wife is upset your sister missed a Christening? Step back a second and take a long view, this was an event that neither of your children will ever remember. I am not sure how it would ruin their "big day" since neither them is/was old enough to have the slightest idea what was going on.

My wife is a lot like your sister, unless you tell her the start time is 30 minutes earlier than it actually is, she will most likely be late. (You can imagine her embarrassment when she was late to the airport and missed her flight). So I understand in dealing with someone like your sister you just have to learn to adjust accordingly. No harm, no foul.

This is your wife's issue for making a mountain out of a mole hole. Your sister showed up didn't she? She just missed the water sprinkling part. I can only imagine what is going to happen as the kids get older. I think she was totally in the wrong to chew out your sister, I would have been insulted too. And to give you an ultimatum that you have to make a choice based on her view of the world? And she feels entirely in the right? The fact that she also chooses to ignore what you are feeling is very telling. She is accustomed to getting her way and I bet you are letting it happen.

You sound like a Nice Guy and you are trying to calm the situation, and there in lies one of the problems. You should read the book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and learn how to regain a little of your self worth in the relationship (It available for free, just search for it). Your wife sounds like she calls all the shots and you don't push back on her BS. These events were a blip on the radar of your kids lives, your wife should recognize that and is being extremely petty. And you are allowing it to happen...

My response to Christmas would be, "The kids and I are going to visit their grandparents for the holidays, you are more than welcome to come."


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

OP's wife is obviously a shallow thinker and isn't comprehending the depth of what she's demanding. I honestly can't believe what I'm reading. And I don't care what the past issues in this relationship are if she's acting like this at all. She has no self control, is totally self absorbed and has no concern or thought of how her actions are affecting others, especially her children. This current situation is so absurd that I would have a very hard time believing that this wife can make her way through any situation with her dignity intact. 

Yep, this thread is like acid on a raw nerve for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's very important that a married couple put each other first over their respective extended families. That said, if this is really only about your sister not attending two christenings, then you wife has an issue. To me it sounds like she was waiting to pick a fight with your sister. Has there been discord between your wife and your family in the past? Has there ever been similar fights in which your wife, or anyone in your family, went on the attack mode?

If your wife someone who likes being the center of attention? To me that's what this sounds like. She saw this as her special day and will not tolerate anyone not making it that way.

I also think that your sister's boyfriend. Way out of line. He should have taken the higher road and either left or at least not gone after your wife. I know that you were trying to mediate, but the boyfriend should de-escalated the situation by shutting his mouth. 

So now you have a volatile wife and a sister's boyfriend who is volatile. Not good.

Is your wife having problem with depression, maybe post partum depression? Is she more emotional, more touchy about things since the 4 month old was born?

First off, your wife cannot keep you from having your children around your family. The children do not belong to her. They are your children as well and you get an equal say into what they do. You might want to remind her that if you two get a divorce, you will have the children about 50% of the time and you will have your family in their life. So, if she wants to be with her children all the time, she too has to come to a compromise.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry guy, you did not have your W back. Granted the exchange over tartiness for the event was not the best but it gets to a point were enough is enough. Others stated you W appears over the top with her responses. Well, sir, a volcano gets the same way after years of stewing. Eventually it blows it's top. 

My advise, back your W. Specifically when it comes to family. Mom, cut the apron string. Be your own man and one with our W. Lay down the rules. If you don't, watch the resentment build in your W. 


Family can be and often is a huge pain in the arse. There are a few on my side and my W side that we do not talk with anymore. The drama is not worth it. Love them but I don't have to like them. 

BTW, your sisters boyfriend is totally disrespectful of your sister by dragging his feet. Your W probably spent hours getting the special day of christening your child in order. It may be nice if family members show up on time. Unless there is a good excuse. Dragging feet ain't one of them.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I agree with Yeswecan, you should continue to enable your wife's poor behavior. I see only good things in the future of this marriage!


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Holy Drama......what's with all the banning? There are 2 spouses in the marriage but your wife thinks that she has the right to dictate how your future relationship with your family and their relationship with your children will be? This seems to me to be a power struggle and if you don't cowtow to her whims soon you'll be banned too! Here is how an outsider views the picture.

Mistake Number 1 (in no particular order.) Your wife said she would let you deal with your sister (each spouse should deal with their own family IMO) but then she didn't allow you do so. Her attack of your sister was inappropriate. This is your role to deal with you sister's behavior and you need to deal with it effectively.

2. Making you choose between her and your family is a no win stance and does not allow for reasonableness or compromise. Is it possible that she did this because she feels you behave with more allegiance to your family of origin than you do to her and your children?

3. You dismissing you sister's flakiness as a personality foible to be tolerated while failing to understand that your wife perceives your sister's behavior as selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful as if the world revolves around your sister which it does not. How will your marriage survive if you allow your sister to view family events and their venues as a drop in center? She's either in or out and the events should commence without note of her absence or tardiness. 

4. When your wife expressed dismay at your sister missing 2 christenings (ie. important family events) your sister smiled and pointed to her boyfriend. Um, that is an eerily ignorant response and a failure to acknowledge the inconsideration of her own behavior. Your tolerance of this behavior indicates to your wife that you put your family before her feelings. This is as much a death knell to your marriage as is mass banishment by your wife.

5. "She feels like she can never again count on me, trust me, etc to ever defend her." Because you do not want to rock the boat your lackadaisical do little to nothing conflict avoidance stance is wreaking havoc on your marriage. You are a married man with 2 children. Have you made the transition to putting your wife and children first? Failing to do so will kill your chances at marital harmony. You need to choose who comes first and you and your wife need to learn to compromise with respect to rotating family occasions however no one needs to tolerate being treated disrespectfully and this is how your wife views your sister's fly-by-night behavior. Well, and your wife's public confrontation of your sister doesn't win any prizes either but now the entire situation has snowballed as it does when nipping issues in the bud doesn't occur. It is disrespectful to your wife for you to dismiss your family member's boorish behavior by minimizing and tolerating it.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It's very important that a married couple put each other first over their respective extended families.


I understand your desire to say this, but it is not apropos at all. Nobody is thinking that you don't support your spouse. If it was the other way around, and the sister was her, everyone would be like, your sister is a POS. When it's your spouse causing the rift, that is 100% different.


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## RandomThoughts (Aug 16, 2017)

@Prof_1, only you know your wife well enough, so you only know how far she will actually go with this family ban or if she's just being hysterical. I will assume she's like my wife and will only stick with the idea as long as it suits her purpose. 

You seem to be a nice guy (like me) who doesn't like drama. She seems to enjoy it. She probably was hinting before that she needs to feel that you would choose her over family (by actions, not by banning them) but she didn't see that from you. So, her next step is to take it to the extreme (drama) and ask not to see your family at all. She doesn't know how bad of a move that is on her part.

To your original point. You need to talk to her and tell her you want both involved in your life. Show her you understand how she feels about not taking her side and that you will work on it (and actually work on it  ). Until she calms down, you may need to miss a few family holidays (your family should understand and make sure you help them understand). However, take the kids to your parents anyway-- on regular non-holiday days as much as you want (without her). They are as much your kids as they are hers and it's just as important for them to know one grandparents as the other.

One last note-- you said your youngest kid is 4 month? I assume you guys are pretty busy and probably not sleeping well at nights. 4 month old is a lot of work so keep that as part of the equation and the wife's crazy's


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ditto to what everyone else here said. Your wife is mad you didn't have her back, but her reaction to your sister and her demands are WAY out of line. And she put you in a bad position, expecting you to defend behavior that is indefensible.

Honestly, if someone put me in the same position as your wife is doing to you, I'd be getting a lawyer to draw up papers. Granted, I say this as someone who's been divorced, so I'm not afraid of walking away anymore. And you have kids, and you guys love each other.

You need to stand up to her, and you need to stand up for yourself. If you don't, you will end up like EleGirl's friend Bob. Is that what you want?

A marriage is a partnership, and as such, both partner's needs need to be respected equally, and your wife is running over you roughshod right now. She will continue to do this, if you allow her to. I also recommend reading No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look, your family coddles your flaky sister. Sis can't be bothered to show up for the event but has no problem dragging her lazy ass to the after party with boyfriend in tow and blames him for the situation. Then boyfriend enters wife's home and badmouths her just because wife pointed out that Sis could have left him home and attended the Christening if she had really wanted to attend. Do I have that right?

Your parents will probably get an apology from your wife when your wife receives an apology from them for raising such a self-centered and lazy daughter. 

You won't get anywhere with your wife by wringing your hands and whining "Geez, can't we all just get along?". Marriage counseling may help you learn how to navigate your wife's need for trust and safety and your family's need to absolve their precious of any responsibility. Your wife may back off the need to write off your family if you can show her that you will put up boundaries with your family so she'll feel she can trust you to have her back. For instance, if Sis can't make an event then she can't attend the after party. A lot of people don't attend weddings because they don't want to have to sit through the ceremony and then they have no problem showing up at the reception for the free booze and food.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

OP for the life of me I can't figure out why your sis might not want to be around your wife! She sounds so patient and caring!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP. Honestly, before you start doing anything, the first thing you need to do is to grow a pair, you need them.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

toblerone said:


> OP for the life of me I can't figure out why your sis might not want to be around your wife! She sounds so patient and caring!


Yeah, if I was your sister, I'd be avoiding your wife, too.


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

Your wife is a tool.

And btw, I don't blame your sister for not going to every stupid event. Seems there's an event every time someone takes a dump these days.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Oy: Little trick I have learned with brother in laws and sisters in laws; ignore them. If they are late constantly, if they hijack the function, if their opinion is crap but they are entitled to it, ignore them, and do not make a deal out of it. Eventually, time heals all wounds and wounds all heels. Take it from me, they eventually dig their own holes. (A brief one, SIL has constantly been a thorn in my side. She has attempted to throw a wrench into my marriage. This week, almost 3 years after MIL passed, BIL contacted me, he suspected that SIL was manipulating another (disabled) SIL's bank account to her own profit. Not five minutes with the records, (I am an accountant, auditor and tax consultant), and I uncovered hundreds of minor frauds and two fairly major ones. If, I act in my capacity as the estate's financial representative, she will go away for 15 years-as this type of fraud is directed against a disabled individual). I believe that my old maxim applies here: You are married to each other, therefore your spouse comes first, not your parents and not your siblings. If your parents and siblings act against your spouse, you side with the spouse. My mother had immense problems with that, especially when she took a disliking to my wife. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I married my wife, and pledged my loyalty to her. (Mom said where is your loyalty to me, I pushed you out of my body.-I replied that your first loyalty is to Dad, not your parents or your brothers, so you cannot hold my loyalties against me)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

yes, she deserves your loyalty. But she doesn't deserve it when she's being unreasonable or yelling or making demands. You have the power to bring calm and reason back to your marriage. Read the book. It'll explain how you should have handled it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Herschel said:


> I understand your desire to say this, but it is not apropos at all. Nobody is thinking that you don't support your spouse. If it was the other way around, and the sister was her, everyone would be like, your sister is a POS. When it's your spouse causing the rift, that is 100% different.


I think it would be best if you did not cherry pick words from my posts and then twist what I said.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I think it would be best if you did not cherry pick words from my posts and then twist what I said.


Then what was the point of saying that? I want to know in case I misunderstood something.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm going to take a different view here.

Christenings have no meaning to me, but to your wife they are important. 

Your sister has sent the message that it wasn't that important to her. She could've put a stop to this with an apology but instead pooh pooed it and blamed her bf like it was a big fat joke.

But to your wife it wasn't a joke..... it was a message that your sister can't be bothered and will just buy presents later.

I think your wife is reacting to the fact that this was important to her and your sister blew her off, and now she's being told that she's wrong to be upset.

If I was invited to a christening involving people close to me I would make sure I show up on time, and if for some reason I missed it i wouldn't blow it off like it doesn't matter.

It mattered to your wife.

Has your sister tried apologizing and acknowledging that this was important and she should've made an effort to be there?

I think she's overreacting but I also think this is a bigger issue in that this was important to her and your sister not only blew it off but poo pooed it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

At the end of the day, family, you love them, but you don't have to like them. Truth be told, every family has a drama-mama or drama-king. For those in my family and my W family, we cut the relationship with a few family members. The constant upset was not worth keeping the relationship. Just because they are family does not mean all will get along. There are many who have not spoken or interacted with their siblings for one reason or another. I have mine. So does my W. There are blow ups and screaming. We have had our fair share and put an end to it. These individuals are not asked to parties of any kind. Not worth the nonsense. If they are asked to a party by another family member, the peace is kept by avoidance. Realize, these individuals have a personality that neither my W or myself would be friends with if not related. 

At the end of the day, you are W back in all things. Even if W is wrong. Same goes for you, OP. Your W should be our back. Become the head of your household and stop being a referee for your family. You will sleep better and have a much better marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm going to take a different view here.
> 
> Christenings have no meaning to me, but to your wife they are important.
> 
> ...


Agreed 100%.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your wife is a big mouth ass who needs to learn to PICK her battles.

Her idiotic and classless behavior just because your sister didn't make it to the church again was completely unwarranted. More so, she's a damned child demanding YOU go out and yell at your sister to show your 'loyalty' to her, and because you DIDN'T lower yourself to moron status like your wife did, she 'can't trust you anymore.'

What a friggen drama queen. How the hell do you stand her?

I ask that in ALL sincerity. How do you STAND this shrew?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

_So what_ if it wasn't important to the sister?

I mean, really.

Why is the wife so offended by it?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *didn't make it to the church again* was completely unwarranted. More so, she's a damned
> What a friggen drama queen. How the hell do you stand her?
> 
> I ask that in ALL sincerity. How do you STAND this shrew?


Again. Total and unabridged disrespect for OP, his W and child. For a second time. OP W chose the battle the first time. There was none. Perhaps sister could find her way to making it on time the second go around? Nope. Throws BF under the bus as the reason. I think a better question is why how does the OP stand his sister? This is after all her niece/nephew. In all sincerity, why does the sister get a free pass once again?


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## WhiplashWish (Mar 20, 2017)

Is your wife interested in finding some solution here that is not on one of the extremes? Both of the options in her ultimatum are terrible. You seem to get that, do you think she will? We've all said stupid things and then felt like we needed to stick with them, but if given some kind of face-saving circumstance, would your wife be willing to talk to you? I'm wondering what her ultimate interest is. Is it punishing your sister? Punishing you? Never having to put up with the inconvenience of family? Something else? Maybe if she can clearly articulate what she wants, you guys can work on getting to something mutually acceptable. I guess if she's not willing to talk and work to a solution that isn't nuclear that says something about the marriage and the relationship that needs to be worked on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

toblerone said:


> _So what_ if it wasn't important to the sister?
> 
> I mean, really.


Sister then should have stayed the hell home then. :smthumbup:


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Everyone must be available to attend little baby do-no-wrongs christening. No exceptions. If you don't make it i swear i will deactivate your account on the family blog site and strike your name from our weekly hanson family newsletter!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife's behavior is WAY over the top. We ALL have certain family member's who are flakes, and we learn to deal. You cannot make them change, you cannot make your priorities THEIR priorities. In my family it was my mom and stepdad who were very late to EVERYTHING. We started telling them a start time that was about 90 minutes earlier than the actual event so that they could get there close to on time. (my stepdad was the issue here, mom could be on time when it was just her showing up) I can understand the ban on the family if they were abusive to your wife, or to you, or to your children. Her reaction is selfish and blown way out of proportion. As others have said, time for you to man up here. You should not tolerate your family mistreating your wife, and you should not tolerate your wife mistreating your family.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow, I can't even believe anyone would be making excuses for the W. She is an over the top drama queen. I don't care who di what or how they did it, the fact is that his sis showed up. She didn't ruin anything. She came, she may have come late and who cares what her excuse was, she came. She came even though it probably wasn't the least bit important to her (as an aside, if I was invited to a Christening [unless it was a boat and lots of booze and a pleasure cruise were involved] I would schedule an appointment with the proctologist, rather than submit to a bunch religious voodoo) IMO the W was out of line and under no circumstances should the OP have "had her back". Backing someone when they are in the right is one thing, but not when they are wrong. I guess some people imagine saying "I do!" displaces rational thought.
OP, I would invite my family to my house and I would tell the queen hag, if she doesn't like it - GTFO! She was out of line, she owes her H, his sis and his family an apology. If she is that put out over such an inane event as a Christening, then I doubt that would be possible. 
Yes OP, get her to counseling, but it isn't couples counseling that she needs, it is counseling on simply being a human being.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

want to know why your wife is so offended? it has nothing to do with the christening or religion.

the whole charade of the christening is really "look at me...i am the perfect person with the perfect child and i have invited you to my kingdom and you should all kiss my a$$".

quite frankly, that is the behavior of a self-entitled sociopath.

oh, the bad news is it will get worse......as your kid gets older, sporting events, plays, school functions will all become about your WIFE and her fragile ego to make herself look good.

and you trying to address it with her, as already demonstrated by her absurd behavior, will only turn nastier. you are heading off a cliff with this one. 

Time to seriously man up and tell her off. she needs serious shrink intervention but if you propose it, it will only make her madder. you are in a NO WIN situation, and are making in worse by catering to her irrationality.

i am very sorry. i have nothing to offer you other than a warning to how bad this will get.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm going to take a different view here.
> 
> Christenings have no meaning to me, but to your wife they are important.
> 
> ...


I also agree with this. It seemed that your sister was disrespectful by treating it like a joke. She could have been mature and apologized for being late.

Your wife overreacted in the moment for seeing your sister's bad attitude, but she handled it immaturely by getting worse and even putting an ultimatum. She might have felt that you didn't back her up assertively enough, but that doesn't justify something like that. She might have issues with your sister but the rest of the family should stay neutral and not forced to comply.

Hopefully she said that in the heat of the moment and by cooling down she could realise that's too much. Although you shouldn't have told your parents right away, it doesn't help on the drama. Did you at least let them know that your sister attitude was also not acceptable? To be fair your wife overreacted, but your sister was being disrespectful.
You shouldn't have told your parents because if you guys can solve it before christmas, your parents wouldn't have to know it and it wouldn't further the drama. As the middle person you might want to diffuse the conflicts and not propagate it.

Maybe you can let your wife cool down and then talk to her about this. Say that you understand how upset she feels, that you will talk to your sister about it, but that both her and your family is important and you would like her to ignore your sister's attitude for you. Family is also important for your children and they shouldn't have to be forced to not enjoy holidays with grandparents.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Wow, I can't even believe anyone would be making excuses for the W. She is an over the top drama queen. I don't care who di what or how they did it, the fact is that his sis showed up. She didn't ruin anything. She came, she may have come late and who cares what her excuse was, she came. She came even though it probably wasn't the least bit important to her (as an aside, if I was invited to a Christening [unless it was a boat and lots of booze and a pleasure cruise were involved] I would schedule an appointment with the proctologist, rather than submit to a bunch religious voodoo) IMO the W was out of line and under no circumstances should the OP have "had her back". Backing someone when they are in the right is one thing, but not when they are wrong. I guess some people imagine saying "I do!" displaces rational thought.
> OP, I would invite my family to my house and I would tell the queen hag, if she doesn't like it - GTFO! She was out of line, she owes her H, his sis and his family an apology. If she is that put out over such an inane event as a Christening, then I doubt that would be possible.
> Yes OP, get her to counseling, but it isn't couples counseling that she needs, it is counseling on simply being a human being.


But, Sis didn't attend the Christening. She showed up to participate in the party which had been planned to thank those who actually attended the Christening. That's what those parties are for - a little thank-you for attending. I know manners are becoming a lost skill; but, surely you can realize that
if one does not go to work then one does not have the right to collect a paycheck.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> But, Sis didn't attend the Christening. She showed up to participate in the party which had been planned to thank those who actually attended the Christening. That's what those parties are for - a little thank-you for attending. I know manners are becoming a lost skill; but, surely you can realize that
> if one does not go to work then one does not have the right to collect a paycheck.


not sure i am on board with this. People invite people to functions all the time. some show, some are late, some dont show at all. Thats LIFE! just because something is a priority to me (and in the OP's wifes case) that doesnt make it a priority to the rest of the world. 

what if the sister couldn't get off work in time but still did her best to make it? and rather than going toe-to-toe with the wife.....knowing nothing is going to pacify her.......just shrugged her off and gave her some lame excuse? can't say i would blame her as someone with a mentality of the OP's W isnt going to accept anything other than a flogging of those that offended her.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sure, from your description your wife was over the top, and irrational. But I gotta say I think there was a lot not said.

You didn't take your wife's side. I suspect this is far from the first time that's happened. I am good at being a squeaky wheel. Maybe your wife is fed up with you defending your family, trying to make peace, instead of just taking her side and saying tough luck to your family.

I've seen a lot of guys do that to their wives. They constantly put their old family ahead of their wife. After a while the wife blows up, and quits that "job".


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Total over reaction. Ban his whole family!

I see a train a comming and its derailing sooner or later.

If this woman don't get her way she just escalates the punishment until she gets her way or alienates herself from everybody.

Shes a very vandictive person just think what shes capapible of doing during a divorce.

I feel for you buddy one day you will wake up and see the forest through her knees and think I wasted the better part of my life with this.....crazyb $#@*

I really do feel for you.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

toblerone said:


> Do you really need couples therapy to remove the stick out of your wife's ass?
> 
> I would think it would be a simple one time outpatient procedure.


LMAO :grin2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Prof_1








[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]







[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]

She needs counselling, her reactions are overly dramatic.

The world is not all about her.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Prof_1, you don't say how long you have been married but I note that it could be a couple of years anyway. What strikes me as odd is that you and your wife are not yet acting as a unit; you are not seemingly in agreement with what your joint priorities are and it appears you are not united in how you approach family events....and there will be many more in the future so where is the disconnect?

I know that Mrs. Prof_1 behaved in what appears to be an overreaction; with a 2 year old and a 4 month old there is likely a lot more going on that what was said here. She's probably exhausted and wired for sound....not an excuse but I'd be inclined to not label her as histrionic unless drama is her go-to solution. 

When the OP and his wife agree to how to deal with each other's families, who approaches whom, and establish that their family unit comes first then smoother sailing may occur. But it seems like a bridge that should have been crossed long ago and it doesn't seem to have been. Either that, or she is a demanding person who expects to get her way in which case, buckle up!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> But, Sis didn't attend the Christening. She showed up to participate in the party which had been planned to thank those who actually attended the Christening. That's what those parties are for - a little thank-you for attending. I know manners are becoming a lost skill; but, surely you can realize that
> if one does not go to work then one does not have the right to collect a paycheck.


Except this wasn't work, it was a frigging Christening. Manners have nothing to do with it, don't even try to make excuses for the W. The W over reacted and is not deserving of backing of any sort. She is a ***** who is not deserving of back up. The after party? If that was the case, it should have been mentioned up front and not made an issue after the fact. I never knew that after parties are only held to accommodate those who attended the actual party. Sounds like more Miss Manners BS of which I want no part.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, 
Your wife is such a selfish, self-centered child that she doesn't see this:

What is incredibly important to HER, may not be so important to everyone else.
AND
Your sister isn't required to attend any event that she doesn't want to attend. She does so at HER prerogative, not your wife's.

Your wife is so crazy, she not only thinks everyone on the planet should bend to her wishes, but demands that you choose between her and your own parents and sister.
This is a classic case of your wife separating you from the support of those who love you.
Next, she'll sequentially find reasons you can't see your friend's, either. So be prepared.

These ultimatums she's issuing? You should laugh in her face and go see your family. She does not have that right unless you give it to her,which you shouldn't.

Your wife needs a wake up call.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> Sure, from your description your wife was over the top, and irrational. But I gotta say I think there was a lot not said.
> 
> You didn't take your wife's side. I suspect this is far from the first time that's happened. I am good at being a squeaky wheel. Maybe your wife is fed up with you defending your family, trying to make peace, instead of just taking her side and saying tough luck to your family.
> 
> I've seen a lot of guys do that to their wives. They constantly put their old family ahead of their wife. After a while the wife blows up, and quits that "job".


This^

Your wife knows the SIL and her antics- probably long before the bailing of the event. This simply is not a shock to your wife or you or the in- laws . SIL does what she wants. And blames it on the BF. 


Actually- SIL bailed on event #1 , so event #2 was a no- brainer- SIL was going to skip formality and show up for the party.

How many people ACTUALLY want to go to a christening? They do out of respect. Not because they want to spend their day off going to a christening.

Respect. You go to a christening to which you are invited out of RESPECT.

OP- Perhaps your sister is the scape-goat for a whole host of behaviors from your family ( that you ignore and refuse to confront)that the Princess YOU married has had enough of.

You married her and unless she was a mail order bride- you had to have known that she had a different set of expectations about events.

Why do you think she is choosing Xmas to "punish" YOU and your fam?

IMHO.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

This _"having my back"_ phrase. 


"Wife, I agree with you that my sister is a flake. I find her annoying. I want to be able to have your back on this. But in return, you have to not put me in positions where I *cannot* have your back. Like "banning" our children from seeing their grandparents at Christmas."​
That's the deal.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> This _"having my back"_ phrase.
> 
> 
> "Wife, I agree with you that my sister is a flake. I find her annoying. I want to be able to have your back on this. But in return, you have to not put me in positions where I *cannot* have your back. Like "banning" our children from seeing their grandparents at Christmas."​
> That's the deal.


But- apparently that is Not the deal and OP's wife is madder than a wet hen.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife wants to be right and squash you under her thumb. That's not an equitable relationship.

You should have had her back more, and maybe if you did, she might not have this superiority complex, because you'd have stepped up and crushed the problem before it became one.

But instead, she feels like she has to "take charge" in a very black & white manner because you aren't managing things.

I'm not saying you're at fault completely, but you in your own way, have contributed to the present situation. Your wife has become too controlling because she feels things are out of control and her needs aren't being met. So she's on the warpath, because at least that way, she has control. 

That's just my guess, anyway.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> But, Sis didn't attend the Christening. She showed up to participate in the party which had been planned to thank those who actually attended the Christening. That's what those parties are for - a little thank-you for attending. I know manners are becoming a lost skill; but, surely you can realize that
> if one does not go to work then one does not have the right to collect a paycheck.


You could not be more wrong about this.

The get-togethers after Christenings, funerals, and weddings are about rememberance/celebrating with family and friends. You can't do that at Weddings, Funerals, and Christenings, because those are ceremonies before God.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP, May I posit this for your consideration?

_*chris·ten*
ˈkris(ə)n/
verb
gerund or present participle: christening

give (a baby) a Christian name at baptism as a sign of admission to a Christian Church.
"their second daughter was christened Jeanette"
synonyms:	baptize, name, give the name of, call
"she was christened Sara"_

What is the purpose of a Christening? Is it not to dedicate the child to a Christian life? Was your W Christened? If so, then it appears to have been of little consequence and has little meaning to her. If that is the case, why would she be so enraged over a ceremony that has no literal meaning to her? You W desires to "punish" (spank) your sister, indeed your whole family, for the wrong they have inflicted on her? She is also hurting you, your children and her character by assuming the roll of judge.

Does not the Christian religion(s) preach forgiveness and patience? What is of more importance, the ceremony or the act? Your W seems to have seriously misdirected views on religion in particular and life in general. The world is full of people that behave badly, referred to herein as "flakes", and your sister may qualify for such a title but your W, with her handling of the situation, would qualify as well. Ironic is it not?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yet another 1 post OP??
If your still here read "In sheep's clothing" 
You need it bad.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Or tell us how Christmas went


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@anastacia said: "Or tell us how Christmas went"

I don't think he can tell us because he has no balls to jingle bell.


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