# Help!!!



## chappy (Feb 24, 2010)

I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I have been emotionally neglectful of my wife for many years. I didn't give her feelings enough weight and didn't take her seriously enough when she would tell me I was hurting her feelings by not making her feel attractive. I LOVE her with all my heart. In August of 2009 we had another fight and she had stopped speaking to me. My way of dealing with this was to ignore her back. This went on to some extent for about 2 months. During this time (the shutdown) I had gotten on facebook for kicks and been contacted by a woman I had been in high school with. My wife was ready to leave me in November and I used the occasion of her mother having a stroke to get close to her again. She had (in her words) 'shut down' so my lack of attention wouldn't hurt her. I was trying to be a better husband. When my wife found out about the facebook woman in January, she moved out of the house. There is/was nothing between the facebook woman and myself except a few laughs and 'remember when' type stuff. It was SO wrong of me to keep the facebook thing going and I knew it but didn't stop. My wife is refusing to see me or talk to me unless we're at the marriage councelor (whom I sought out). How can I deal with this and show her that I Love her and want to make things right again? I have apologized profusely & admitted that all the things she says are true. I DO NOT want to loose this woman. Without her I am less than nothing. She completes me. She is my ONLY friend in the world and I have betrayed her and broken her heart hundreds of times. She says she needs space to figure thing out and doesn't know if she can open herself up to getting hurt again while I 'experiment' at being a better husband. I am afraid that by giving her the space she asks for it will make it that much harder to get back together. She said the main reason she moved out was so she could concentrate on getting her Masters degree without the drama of our marriage. We have been married since 1988 and have 2 grown daughters and 1 son (16) still at home. I have been playing by her rules (no contact), but each day is an agony. I am almost physically sick with the mess I have made. Any suggestiong or comments? Thanks!


----------



## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

It sounds like you need to show her your sorry by actions and not words. Go to the counselor and talk about it. She needs time to think about what happened and how she feels about it. All you can do now is respect her wishes , get help , and show her with your actions that your sorry and she is the only woman for you.


----------



## chappy (Feb 24, 2010)

That's what I'm doing. I've been to the councelor 4 or 5 times now and have been praying like crazy.


----------



## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Keep it up- time and hard work will prove it to her. Continue working on yourself and paying attention to what she says and what she needs from you. You say that you have been emotionally neglectful of her? Its the little things that you can do to show her that she is number one in your mind.


----------



## chappy (Feb 24, 2010)

This is what I want to do, but am finding it difficult with her there and me here and no contact. but I am going to keep trying. Thanks!


----------



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Sorry to hear you are going thru this.

Like Ash said, it's the little things that count. Plus, I wouldn't go overboard with all these things for her because she will know that isn't really who you are. Just start slowly because in all honesty you don't want to pretend you are someone you aren't or just do these things to get her back. Then if she takes you back and you stop doing them...and be in the same situation again later down the road.


----------



## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

I think you need to give your wife whatever she asks for. If it's counseling, do it; if it's time, give it to her- and be willing to wait FOR HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES. It appears that she's been trying to tell you for years how she feels, so show her that you're willing to give her years (if that's how long it takes) to forgive you. If you truly love her the way you say you do, then let her call the shots and be willing to play by her rules from now on. I don't think what she's wanting from you is too much to ask for. Good luck!


----------



## chappy (Feb 24, 2010)

Just thought I'd update. My wife has found it in her heart to give me another chance. I have been seeing a councilor by myself and we are going to see a councilor together. Turns out she was woried that I was getting ready to leave her for the woman on FB. She just left me first. I am working hard to show her how special she is to me. We have been on a couple of "dates" and things are working out. The councilor asked her how she would like to be seen and she said as a queen, like Cleopatra & that is how I have been treating her. She is still living in her apartment so she can concentrate on getting her Masters degree, but it seems as though we are on the right path. Thanks to all who posted replies and to all the others who have posted stories and advice. All have been VERY helpful


----------

