# She cheated.how do i know she's being honest



## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

just need some opinions/advice need help..please.

my wife and i have been together for six years.we have two kids ages 5 and 2.last aug/sept we were having alot of problems with the relationship.kids,money,time,no communication,very little intimacy.we BOTH completely disconnected from each other,i was considering leaving her,she told me she didnt feel i was the "type of man she wanted to be with" etc..it was really bad.sometimes it got better sometimes it didnt,regardless we stayed together mostly i think because she wasnt financially able too. on nov.24 i looked in her purse to give her some medication she needed to take and i found a letter,scribbled,barley legible written in colored pencil.it seemed almost like a rough draft.it asked diffrent questions like:
how many people have you been with?
what are your turn ons?
have you ever cheated?
your not dying of anything,are you?
how is what we want too happen going to fall into place?
whats up with your girl...sexually,are you getting at all this to try something diffrent?
are you scared to lose you girl? if so are you willing to jeopordize what u have?
what do you really think of ME..really?
u said u r a freek explain?
what are your limits sexually?
are u up for anything/anytime if it came down to that?
are you going to act weird when u see me?
by the way ur hott!
At the time that i found the letter things had gotten a lot better between us,i thought we were gonna be ok,she got a better job,planning to buy a house,things like that.so i was shocked!
i confronted her i asked her who the letter was for.she told me it was a guy she knew from work.she lied about his name she described me who it was and from his uniform i figured out who it was.she said that she casually saw him one day outside of work and he asked her for her number.she said we were going thru bad times and was weak and gave her cell number to him.but that he never called.then when i requested phone records she changed her story and said he called but they only talked a few times,that they never met up anywhere,or get physical in any way.i have a really hard time believing that because of the questions she asked on the letter.
when i ask her to tell me the truth she gets REALLY defensive and angry saying that she cant tell me somehthing that never happend.what can i do to get her to tell me the truth? i really feel it got pyshical but she is too ashamed/embarrassed to tell me.any suggestions?

since the whole incident we are still together,she claims that she stopped talking to him,and that it wasnt that serious.i'm still not 100% sure of that,i really love her but this uncertainty is making it difficult for the both of us......any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Trust your gut! It will tell you the truth when she won't.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Schedule a polygraph test. Tell her it is the only way she can restore your trust. Tell her she will take it or you will assume that she is lying to you. Tell her if you want to move forward in our marriage you will either open up and tell me the truth or take the polygraph. There is no other way.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

How old are you guys?


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## Debby (Feb 2, 2009)

"Schedule a polygraph test. Tell her it is the only way she can restore your trust"

A polygraph test will not restore any kind of trust. It will only make matters worse. 
And yes, trust your gut feeling.


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## ds10 (Jan 31, 2009)

she's 25 and i'm 28. as far as my gut feeling,i think it was more of an EA,because i cant think of what time she could have done anything physical,atleast intercourse,but then again maybe i'm in denial.in the letter it doesnt say they did anything pyshical,but it was def being planned,she says i found the note before anything actually happend.the polygraph idea seems a little extreme,but its tempting.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Why would it seem extreem. I am married. If my wife asked me to take one I would. I would love to prove that I was being faithful.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Moderators will probably remove this, but to poster: "Infortheduration" we are all free to dispense advice how we see fit, but I gotta say, your posts are really annoying me. Every marital conflict your advice is always the same, it's either: Tell them to get the **** out, or it's: Make them take a lie detector test. Sorry but you come across 6 kinds of angry.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry, martino. Sounds like you're the angry one. I promote having a spine when dealing with a cheating spouse. There are plenty of others on this board who will softly suggest that a cheated spouse should hold off on making decisions about holding their SOs accountable. I am not one of them. There are those on this board that appreciate my directness and have e-mailed me thanks for holding their feet to the fire. I suggest, only kicking the cheating spouse out when there is no contrition or if they are in a fog and will not stop cheating. I promote this to cause a crisis in their lives, to clear their heads. To realize what is at stake. Their marriage. I believe quick exposure to the consequences is like a bucket of cold water of their heads. In some cases the cheating spouse really doesn't want to be in the marriage. But most of the time it seems they just need to wake up. I also encourage the cheated, because they're self esteem is usually down in the toilet, with the fact that they are worthy of fidelity and being loved. That they are the catch in that marriage. I do this to help them restore their power so they can work on their marriage from a position of strength. So that they can set clear boundaries with the cheaters. It breaks my heart to see a spouse who is trying to love their cheater back, while all the time the cheater is eating cake and destroying their marriages and families.

Regarding speaking with the cheater when he/she posts. I try to cut through all the soft soap in their reasoning for their cheating. I give them a perspective of what the truth is of what they are doing. Is it unkind? A lot of the cheaters think it is. They call me hateful and angry. Generally its the ones that try to justify their cheating like it was a mistake. Like they tripped and fell into the OWs vagina or just happened to be lying on the bed with no panties on and their legs spread. "Oh my gosh, how did that get in their?". In closing, I hate to see marriages fall apart. I just believe that it requires work and action to save them. Again, its just my opinion. But it is mine and I will share it.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Ok you aren't angry, you're a narcissist and a drama queen. Sorry.....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

People often resort to name calling when they have a limited vocabulary and an inability to argue or support their position.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Not calling anyone a name, assigning a mindset to a behavior. Nothing more nothing less.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wow wow wow people. We are all hear sharing and putting it out with the good bad and ugly and Initfortheduration is right WHY would and should someone stay in a unhealthy cheating non stop relationship? thats obserd. Ya one time slip or whatever the situation work talk depending if they keep doing it over and over then what does that say to you? NO WAY. I am glad I got the reaction I did with initfortheduration. Cause I needed that slap in the face!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Look all i'm saying is let's not be "holier than thou" on here and dispense advice with a little grace, humility and dignity.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Yes ok I see that everyone one here has differant situations for sure. And everyone just needs someone to talk to! I know I do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't know either of you, Martino and initfortheduration, but i will say this, martino you are offended a bit too much.

Seems to me that a dodging spouse who is likely cheating and definitely lying ought to have their feet put to the fire to finally tell the truth.

Whether or not they end up taking a lie detector test or not, the idea is to prove their commitment to the marriage.

As one who's wife kept up a deception for many years, I know i should have made her take such a test or get out.

Seems harsh to you? Harsh is the wasted years of both our lives as she acted out destructively.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I just think that you need to take control of the situation. STOP BEING WALKED ON thats why you are in the spot you are. Let them know you wont deal with this you want someone who is faithful to you.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Look up Inforduration's past posts and see that he posted an apology for giving such black and white hard core advice. He knows he goes over the top but apparently cannot control this behavior. If anyone wishes to follow his Guantanamo Bay style of spousal interrogation advice go right ahead. I was just making mention of it. Do what you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Wow you are bitter really bitter advice is advice you take it or leave it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

whoa martino, my apology was made because my own marriage was struggling. And I was down. Really down. But if you want to obsess about MY opinions you are welcome to. I still believe that you cannot love someone out of their fog and back into the marriage. Without contrition, there can be no forgiveness, without forgiveness, there can be no reconciliation, and without reconciliation there can be no marriage. JMHO


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Infor, 

Oh I get it now......glad to hear things are better, I will disregard your open letter to the forum.

Martino


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