# Why do cheaters continually lie even when confronted?



## agent4125 (Mar 14, 2012)

I just found out....

I'll try to keep this straight and to the point.

My wife left me a few months ago. She would spend many nights away from home - she said she would be staying at hotels, friends houses, etc. And not give me any details about where she was. Said that she just felt too distraught to be at home and wouldn't give me clear reasons why. She was not available to me whatsoever as a spouse. There were lots of signs that others said were obvious but I didn't believe them.

I feel like just another infidelity story - turns out they were right. All along. I feel like a fool now.

I just found out a few days ago my wife actually was cheating, but I did it through dishonest means. I guessed her Facebook password and saw all of the explicit messages, naked pictures, wanting to marry him and have his baby, you name it. I saw it all. I was so upset I had to leave work for the day - I lost it.

Now we are going through a divorce. We went to two counseling sessions but all she did was tell me
she didn't love me anymore. Like she was just going through the motions. She didn't want to try and work on it at all. I played my part - she told me she felt disconnected and alone, and couldn't get through to me. There was no abuse or anything of that sort. But instead of trying couples counseling and working on things, she decided to cheat on me.

*I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy.* The temptation was SO great to splatter it around everywhere and rub her face in it. But that would just complicate things and make things that much more nasty between me and my ex. And it just feels wrong to drag her through the dirt. Every day I fight the urge to keep my mouth shut about this.

I confronted her the other night about it, but I didn't reveal that I had definitive proof - only the signs that I've picked up "publicly." It is so painfully obvious what she has done and that I could put two and two together. But she lied about it. Over and over. There were whispers of this months ago and it was brought up then as well and she lied about it then too.

My ex and I have a child together. I don't want this man replacing me as his father. I don't know if that is what
she wants or not.

I have been seeing a counselor, and he said that I must work through my emotions and, with time, it will die down.

My questions are two-fold:

_When confronted with this kind of stuff, why do cheaters keep CONTINUALLY lying about it?_

_What can I do to make sure that I will not be replaced as a father?_

Many thanks for any insight or advice.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

depends on the state but you may be able to install a morality clause where she can't introduce the children to men unless engaged or such


is the OM married btw?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You know exactly why she is lying and it will get worse as she gaslights you to friends and family.

How do you counteract this , you make copies of your evidence and you expose the OM and your wife , their fantasy will soon disappear, unless your happy to be insulted and your child bought up believing you were the problem.

Read the following

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## agent4125 (Mar 14, 2012)

No he is not married.

He has a girlfriend so he is cheating on her too, and he is 17 years her senior (17 years older than my ex that is). I don't know if I should tell my lawyer this, that I got all this information through dishonest means. I didn't hack her account, just guessed her password. But maybe that could be construed as "hacking." But why keep lying when confronted with facts that point to an inevitable conclusion? Over and over again?

Maybe I just need to grow a pair and get over the fact that I want her to admit it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

they lie for the same reason they rewrite the marital history and they vilify you- they know it's very wrong and they can't admit it


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tell the lawyer how you got the proof, it's not likely to ever be an issue unless you have a gung ho prosecutor wanting to make a name for himself. Most states it doesnt matter if you can prove the infidelity anyways


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stop asking the question? "But why keep lying when confronted with facts that point to an inevitable conclusion? Over and over again?" and do something about it.

Your lawyer will tell you to keep quiet , if that what you want to hear say no more.

The OM has no doubt got parents, siblings,adult children, friends or co-workers to expose to. Your wife has her parents, siblings and friends . You don't need to tell them where the evidence came from, keep that to yourself .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy.*

I am hearing this more and more on here, WTF. She is or was your wife at the time. I do not get it. Why do so many folks feel so guilty about checking their spouses email, FB or whatever accounts? In every case they find something.


You may not be able to do anything about being replaced as the father. If she leaves you, gets custody of the child or even shared custody and the OM or some other dude moves in with her and that person gets to spend most of the time with the child, it will not be long before the child is calling him daddy. Unfortunately, it is just the way it goes.

They lie because it is their character. They are cheats, liars, manipulators, you name it. It is the way they are. Low life, POS.

An honorable, truthful person would not cheat. A cheat can't be honorable or truthful because it is not in their nature to do so.


----------



## agent4125 (Mar 14, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> You know exactly why she is lying and it will get worse as she gaslights you to friends and family.
> 
> How do you counteract this , you make copies of your evidence and you expose the OM and your wife , their fantasy will soon disappear, unless your happy to be insulted and your child bought up believing you were the problem.
> 
> ...


I did make copies of everything. But if I throw everything out into the sunlight, she would change her FB PW immediately and I'd lose this "in" to her private life wouldn't I?

I mean, my brother also went through a somewhat similar situation, and he says I have a gold mine of information that I might be able to use against her. But my state is a no-fault divorce state.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well your lawyer would keep it secret, no? I wouldn't tell anyone else about how you got the info though. Especially your ex.

Why do they lie? Why does anyone lie? They want to minimize their own pain and suffering and they say whatever pops into their head, or what they've been rehearsing to say. I have read from WS's on here who say they lied to try and spare their spouse pain and suffering, and that may be true in some cases, but the vast majority of the time people lie for selfish reasons.

Really, that's all you're ever gonna know. Sorry.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> *I was in the wrong to do what I did, to invade her privacy.*
> 
> I am hearing this more and more on here, WTF. She is or was your wife at the time. I do not get it. Why do so many folks feel so guilty about checking their spouses email, FB or whatever accounts? In every case they find something.


Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??


you'll find isolated cases like this but the fact is that is extremely rare for a prosecutor to even bother with a case for criminal intents and the large majority of waywards don't want their name associated with cheating in the media for civil suits


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Personally I don't think you were wrong to hack her facebook - not even a little bit.

Anyway. From the cheaters perspective I'd say the reason we lie when confronted is a little different. It has to do with compartmentalization and damage control. Most everyone who's not a sociopathic serial cheat has to put their affair and their marriage into separate mental and emotional compartments. It's the only way most can live with the dichotomy of being in an affair with one person and married to another and flip between them so completely and so quickly. Affair over here in one pocket and married life over here in the other, and pray the two worlds don't ever meet. 

When confronted with reality all of the sudden the two worlds do meet!! The compartments collapse and all the ugliness of what you've done is spread out before you. You see the lies, the pain, the damage, the person you never thought you'd be. And usually this is thrust upon you with zero notice and no chance to even take a deep breath before your worlds come crashing down and you have to react. So what does the cheater do? Damage control. They start trying to put the two worlds back into their separate compartments as fast as possible so they can get time to take a breath and figure out what just happened. Lies, reality, made up answers - it doesn't matter what it takes to get those worlds back where they belong as long as you get them there and fast so your head can stop exploding. Once the worlds are back in their compartments at least to some degree the cheater takes a breath. As bad as it is, once those worlds are compartmentalized again most cheaters will go right back to living the life of lies and deceit. This is part of why it's so difficult to kill affairs and why exposure to anyone and everyone is so effective - it keeps the worlds together - it prevents the cheater from being able to compartmentalize them and forces the cheater to see reality and deal with it. 

Personally, I think some cheaters would not lie if when their spouses confronted they would lay their evidence out and tell their cheating spouse, "Don't say anything, I'll be back in 10 minutes to hear what you have to say." When my D Day dawned by pure luck I got about 15 minutes to prepare myself for what I was about to do to my wife before I actually had to do it. A chance to steel myself and commit to myself to tell her the full truth - no matter how bad it got. I am so very thankful for the gift of those 15 minutes.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

agent4125 said:


> I just found out....
> 
> I'll try to keep this straight and to the point.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I want to vomit everytime a BS says they were wrong for violating their cheating spouses privacy. Like that is a horrible thing. They are not focused on the fact that the WS spread her legs for another man but that they guessed their WS FB account password.

We all give opinions here so here goes. There is not expectation or "privacy" in a marriage. Transparency can go a long way to develop trust. One part of her unfaithfulness was keeping FB private from you and using it is as an affair tool. 

Would you feel guilty in unlocking your wife's trunk when you find her affair clothing and so on? Would you feel guilty for over hearing her planning her affair with the OM? I hope not.

The other day I had to drive over a double white line. I did not want to hit another vehicle. Driving over the double white line was illegal. If I exceed the speed limnit to get my wife to the hospital I am willing to get a ticket. Life is shades of gray. We have to make big people decisions.

You had every right in my opinion to do what you did. The problem is that you did not do it way sooner but that is history now. You trusted her and she broke that trust. You are not the bad guy.

It is not that I am being rough on you but rather that you are beating yourself up needlessly.

To answer your questions however. I think people lie because they do not want to accpet that they did wrong. They are still putting the blame on you. I think it is cruel.

You need to make sure you are actively involved with their lives. Make sure you get the visitation that you deserver and they need. Make sure your children see you as strong and loving man.


----------



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

i would tell your lawyer.he will give you advice on what to do.i would not let her have the benefit of getting away with it.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A. Yes, your question in most cases is yes.

B. You have every right to look though everything, including passwords, Facebook, e-mails, ect... You are her husband. Just as she has the right to your information and passwords.

My ex h would come home at 5:30 in the morning on every weekend and the nights/days he had off work. I paid for all the bills. He blew money like crazy not caring what it did to our credit.

He would lie through his nose about everything. I would find unused condoms in his back pocket as he was leaving. He would lie and say he didn't know it was in his pocket. He also blamed everything on me, including his cheating. One breath he said I set him up to cheat and the next sentence was denial. 3 days after I left one of his mistresses moved in. I later found out from her friends they had an ongoing relationship since we were first married. She knew about me. They ended up getting married, had a few children and he's admitted to cheating on her. Actually, he was quite proud telling our daughter we had together. 

Hey, I'm so much happier now. I have the nicest husband anyone could ask for. He works very hard for us. We both are head over heels for each other. It's great! We've been married for 12 wonderful years.

Never should a wife/husband leave unless it's agreed upon as a couple. My husband and I both put our marriage as our number one priority. Our marriage comes first, then our children. We both spend a lot of time together as a family.


----------



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

my wife lied to my face even when i told her i suspected and gave her the day she cheated and where she cheated and who she cheated with..they will deny it until you have proof.cheaters are liars.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??


Then one could use that forum to expose what was found.

I think as grown adults we have to make big people decisions. Being afraid of something like this is too castrating for me. 

People's rights are always challenged. I believe in doing what I believe is the right thing and am willing to live with the consequences. A good lawyer could make this look pretty petty and frivolous and adding insult to injury. Her affair details would come out one way or the other. Does she want that to be public record?

Laws are not about fairness or even justice much of the time. Render to Caesar what is Caesars.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did nothing wrong. You did what you needed to do to protect your family. The wrong is100% her.

Try to use her frequent nighttime absences to show she was giving up the child and home - use this as an arguement that you are the better parent and shoud get primary custody.

Remember to sue her for child support and payback of any family money she used to support the affair or buy gifts for the AP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

First, I agree with everyone that you did nothing wrong to get to the truth. At an absolute minimum, you deserve that as human being.

2nd, I appreciate Sigma's perspective on how WS parse and compartmentalize their affair. It jives with the personal experience of my wife's EA. IF you catch it early, and keep those 'two worlds colliding', your chances of yanking him/her out of the fog and reconciling, IMO, are much better.

Lastly, although I understand there's some angry folks in this forum going through some serious pain (god knows I am), I don't agree with the premise that ALL cheaters are POS. I believe some are good people with unresolved baggage and make extremely poor choices to fulfill a need that they can't articulate to themselves, let alone anyone else. Whenever I read somebody lumping all cheaters together, Athol's comment about affairs and the Rationalization Hamster comes to mind... "It's what allows rational and kind people to do the most illogical and horrible things to the people that love them the most in the world." Of course, many of them are POS and always will be.

Edit: As a dad who got custody of the kids from my 1st marriage, if you're concerned about your parental rights and the influence of the a-hole on your kid, I strongly urge you to get a good lawyer and seek sole custody. Copy as much of the incriminating evidence as you can and consult with said lawyer as to whether any of the documentation can be used towards achieving that goal.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In my case, my boyfriend's lies worked to my advantage. He tried to frame this other woman as "Just a friend." I had already seen the credit card statements and some other reciepts around his place so I told him, "as well as you have treated her, then I would like to be "just a friend" to you and have my own boyfriend just like she does." After that, my boyfriend really stepped up to the plate.


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

#1: They lie because they are living in a fantasy world, where they are good people, and good people who act in the name of "love" can do no wrong. To confront this with the truth would destroy their illusions.
#2: Be the best dad that you can be, and the kind of man your son can respect.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

movin on said:


> my wife lied to my face even when i told her i suspected and gave her the day she cheated and where she cheated and who she cheated with..they will deny it until you have proof.cheaters are liars.


They will lie even when you have the proof in front of them. For me I had to show her the proof several times until she finally admitted to it. I know one guy who had a video of his wife doing a porno with another dude and it was very clear and crisp and she denied it all the way through d and even in court she denied it. Go figure.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I know one guy who had a video of his wife doing a porno with another dude and it was very clear and crisp and she denied it all the way through d and even in court she denied it. Go figure.


That's the Eddie Murphy defense. "Wasn't me." Can't remember if that was Raw or Delirious.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> *They will lie even when you have the proof in front of them. *For me I had to show her the proof several times until she finally admitted to it. I know one guy who had a video of his wife doing a porno with another dude and it was very clear and crisp and she denied it all the way through d and even in court she denied it. Go figure.


I was pissed off when after being away for three weeks and returning sunday morning that my boyfriend couldn't be bothered making plans in advnace to see me that day. He did send an FB private message and then a text around 5pm. so I called him.

Lateron when he came clean about this other woman, I said I did have some idea that you had a date planned that day and was too worried as to what time it might end. He told me that that wasn't true. The fact that we didn't get together that day was due, he said, to the fact that I did not come back with a specific time for us to meet. It was me who reminded him when I was coming backa dn suggesting that we get together. He tepid repsonded what time and I said in the afternoon or evening. No answer from him after that.

I finally showed him the receipts from the museum that were dated that day and of course, when I saw her FB wall, she mentioned that that was exactly what she was doing that day.

He still maintains that I didn't try hard enough to pin him down with a time to meet.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I ended up going to MC with her and dumping the proof that she was not NC with this guy. This was after several months of her lying to my face about it. I was NC with her at the time and a condition of R or even that I talk to her was that it was over with OM.

Having the Counsellor there was interesting to say the least.

Desperate stuff.. glad it is behind me.


----------



## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

IMO you are at least in a better position than my sister who is in denial about my BIL's affair. One of the biggest things that left me scratching my head was that she believed him when he told her didn't even have the OW's phone number... 

It was so hard for me to bite my tongue and not say to her, "Really? He told this woman that he loves her, doesn't want to lose her but he doesn't have her phone number?"... but my sister also believed my BIL when he told her that the OW made up everything (including the emails he wrote) and that she is totally delusional... 

I'm now convinced that my sister believes him so he wouldn't leave her, so she can stay married & not be alone. It scares me to think about the possible emotional repercussions if he cheats or leaves her again. I'm afraid that she will have a total meltdown.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My boyfriend described her as mercurial; he thought she was fat and that was a turn off. But, well, that still didn't stop him.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Wasn't there just a case where a cheater sued the BS for something to do with hacking their facebook??


There was a case a year or two ago in which a cheating wife pressed criminal charges against her husband for accessing her email and discovering she was cheating on him with her ex-husband. He claimed that she kept her login ID's in a notepad by the computer and used the same common password known to him for all online activity. She claimed no such notebook existed and that she used multiple passwords. One of the points of the case had to do with whether or not the computer, being in the marital home, came with an expectation of privacy.

They did a story on the situation on Nightline. Don't think I ever heard how it turned out, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Grayson said:


> There was a case a year or two ago in which a cheating wife pressed criminal charges against her husband for accessing her email and discovering she was cheating on him with her ex-husband. He claimed that she kept her login ID's in a notepad by the computer and used the same common password known to him for all online activity. She claimed no such notebook existed and that she used multiple passwords. One of the points of the case had to do with whether or not the computer, being in the marital home, came with an expectation of privacy.
> 
> They did a story on the situation on Nightline. Don't think I ever heard how it turned out, though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My attorney said this:

1. About her laptop. Who bought it? I did with my credit card. Who uses it? Her most of the time but we (our boys, her and me) share it and use it from time to time. The attorney says I can assess it, put tracking software on it, etc. It is common use in the family.
2. Cell phone. Who's account is it in? Mine. The attorney said I can do whatever I want with it.
3. Car. Who's name is it in? Both. My attorney said I can do whatever i want with the car, GPS, VAR, etc.

Granted this is one attorney. But I followed his advice.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

First, I have a GREAT story!!

In my first marriage, my H (at the time) was pretty verbally and emotionally abusive. I had a gut feeling that he was cheating with this certain woman, but he'd always tell me I was nuts or paranoid and making something out of nothing. Well, we worked in the hospitality industry, and one day I got a certain "private item of clothing" in the mail from a VERY, VERY expensive hotel (which we had done some work for, but which he and I had never been to), and the note said "You left this item in your room." Naturally I was  because we had never been there!! So I went down to the extremely expensive hotel, and saw that sure enough, "Mr. and Mrs. Affaircare" had signed in  So I went to the hotel security video tape, and there was VIDEO of him and the suspected OW going into the hotel together the date of the ledger (and the date the item was left) and VIDEO of the two of them walking out the next morning, holding hands, kissing, saying goodbye! So I made a copy of that security video and all the other evidence. Then I showed my STBXH the private item of clothing, the receipt from the hotel we had never been to, the copy of the sign in, and the video. Know what he said (you won't believe it)?

Him: "How did you do that?"
Me: "Do what?" 
Him: "Doctor that tape to make it look like I cheated on you?"
 :2gunsfiring_v1: issed:

I'm not kidding! Priceless, isn't it? :rofl:

Regarding the legal case, the dude's name is Leon Walker. His wife's 2nd H had been charged with child assault, and after that he married her so he was hubby #3. Anyway, wife hooks back up with hubby #2 and Leon hacked her email to prove she was having an affair. She says he's an IT professional and reported it, and the DA decided to charge him. Here's the Leon Walker website so you can "stay abreast"...and here's the Leon Walker FB page. 

Finally, here is a link with the Electronic Surveillance Laws by state. Each state is very different so it really is wisest to look up your state. BUT...sort of a rule of thumb: usually at least ONE party in the conversation has to know it is being recorded and give their permission. So if you and I talk, I'm one of the folks in the convo and I can give permission to record a convo I'm in. If you and your wife talk, you are one of the folks in the convo and you can give your permission to record it (even if she may not know). Some states have it so that BOTH have to give permission but if it's between you and I...or you and your wife...and you SHOW the other person the recorder and say "I'm recording this so if you continue with this convo that is your permission to record" (and they continue to talk) why that usually covers that. 

Now in your case, it was between her and him and neither knew it was recorded and neither gave permission. Thus it's likely not something that could be used "in a court of law" but to be honest, most states have no-fault divorce laws anyway so that adultery wouldn't even be considered anyway. So this recording probably would not benefit you in court, but it did benefit you in helping to get the truth and protect yourself, your family, and your church.


----------

