# Dating other survivors of cheating



## Wolf1974

Was just curious if my personal experience was common. I was married and my x wife cheated on me, left me for another guy. I was heartbroken and took awhile to heal and start seriously dating again. I have had a few girlfriends but none of them had been cheated on so I got the sense they never really understood the pain I had went through. 

My current girlfriend was cheated on far worse than me, several times by one spouse and one boyfriend. We rarely ever discuss it because I can tell and she can tell in me we just get it. For some reason that makes our relationship easier. I don't know why I felt it so profoundly to try and get past girlfriends to understand. But I wanted them to and just couldn't do it. Anyone else notice this? Or just a me thing ?

Wolf


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## Fenix

Well, it is too early for me to know. But, I am guessing that if your past gfs didn't get it, you felt that they may have been less resistant to the temptation? The fact that your current gf understands the pain may make you feel safer.

That's just a guess and I really do not know if a BS has less of a propensity to cheat than someone who hasn't been betrayed.


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## Wolf1974

Fenix said:


> Well, it is too early for me to know. But, I am guessing that if your past gfs didn't get it, you felt that they may have been less resistant to the temptation? The fact that your current gf understands the pain may make you feel safer.
> 
> That's just a guess and I really do not know if a BS has less of a propensity to cheat than someone who hasn't been betrayed.



That's right I think. I know my GF wouldn't cheat. She knows I would never as well. Doesn't need to be discussed really cause we both know we couldn't cause that kinda pain to someone. I never felt that security with anyone before. Very comforting for sure


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## WhiteRaven

Wolf1974 said:


> That's right I think. I know my GF wouldn't cheat. She knows I would never as well. Doesn't need to be discussed really cause we both know we couldn't cause that kinda pain to someone. I never felt that security with anyone before. Very comforting for sure


Never say never. The only predictable aspect of human behavior is unpredictability.


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## Rowan

Wolf, don't let the glow and comfort of knowing that you two share an understanding of the pain of infidelity blind you to the possibility of future red flags. Even people who have been cheated on sometimes go on to cheat themselves in future relationships. It's good to trust, but not blindly.


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## Ceegee

Wolf1974 said:


> That's right I think. I know my GF wouldn't cheat. She knows I would never as well. Doesn't need to be discussed really cause we both know we couldn't cause that kinda pain to someone. I never felt that security with anyone before. Very comforting for sure


That's not how I see it.

Both my GF and I were cheated on. 

The reason it works well is because we each understand the importance of boundaries, communication and an openness with each other.

Someone who's never been cheated on may have an issue with me checking her phone whenever I want. 

I can do that with GF and she can do that with me.


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## browneyes74

Yeah, my STBX's first wife cheated on him.. Boy was he self righteous in his anger.. 

Fast forward 10 years.. He cheated on me.. Why? I'll never know.. 

And the really sad part is that he got away with being REALLY bad about it for a while, b/c I thought he'd NEVER cheat, after how betrayed he felt about his wife.. 

Yeah, that and a dollar will get me a cup of coffee.. So, no.. I wouldn't say it makes you more safe.. Been there, done that.. didn't even get a t-shirt...


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## Deejo

Curious why you feel it's important for a potential partner to understand the depth of your pain?

I can tell you in my experience if I get a whiff of the vibe, "You'd better not hurt me ..." I'm gone. It's a setup.

I don't know if this is where you are coming from, but it reminded me of a few circumstances I found myself in.


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## Fenix

Deejo said:


> Curious why you feel it's important for a potential partner to understand the depth of your pain?
> 
> I can tell you in my experience if I get a whiff of the vibe, "You'd better not hurt me ..." I'm gone. It's a setup.
> 
> I don't know if this is where you are coming from, but it reminded me of a few circumstances I found myself in.


I think ceegee explained it quite well. It is about boundaries and open-ness.

We all have our baggage. Being a BS is mine. I am not sure how it will impact me but I know that whomever I start a LT relationship with will need to understand my history and be sensitive to it. Assuming we are a good match in other ways, I don't think that is too much to ask. Do you?


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## Ceegee

Deejo said:


> Curious why you feel it's important for a potential partner to understand the depth of your pain?
> 
> I can tell you in my experience if I get a whiff of the vibe, "You'd better not hurt me ..." I'm gone. It's a setup.
> 
> I don't know if this is where you are coming from, but it reminded me of a few circumstances I found myself in.


"You better not hurt me" is a good one.

Conversely, "you're not the jealous type, are you", when they've been flirting with the stranger at the bar is also a setup.


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## EnjoliWoman

I have never cheated or been cheated on but when I dated a guy who had been cheated on, false R, cheated on again... I knew that I needed to be open and TMI. I would never just say I'm going shopping - I would say I'm going to X mall with girlfriend and daughters, probably eat out, be home by 9... etc. I just made sure he was always reassured about my whereabouts. It didn't seem difficult, just considerate. 

But alas he realized a little too late that he wasn't emotionally ready for anything serious so there I was, the rebound. Lesson learned. 

I think when someone has been hurt like that they need to acknowledge the rawness of their vulnerability and wait for that to heal a bit. And a partner should know about it and be more aware that building trust takes on a more significant role while both need to be sure the new relationship doesn't become victim to the past.


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## Deejo

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think when someone has been hurt like that they need to acknowledge the rawness of their vulnerability and wait for that to heal a bit. And a partner should know about it and be more aware that building trust takes on a more significant role while both need to be sure the new relationship doesn't become victim to the past.


Bingo.

NEVER EVER operate out of fear.

If you conduct your relationship and express to your partner that you are fearful or concerned about that happening again, you have already poisoned the well.

In my experience, what is 'needed' for a partner to feel safe eventually starts looking like hoops to jump through, or they start moving the goal posts. There is a difference between someone wanting a check in, versus, you need to be super nice to me and treat with kid gloves because I was hurt very badly. It is an unhealthy model that can set the stage for the dynamic of; 'my needs are more important than your needs.'

I function under the following:
Yes, I know you were cheated on, and that's terrible. I was cheated on too. But if you are with me wondering if, or when, I'm going to cheat on you rather than being invested in building the relationship ... regardless of where it goes, then you aren't ready for a relationship.


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## Fenix

Deejo said:


> Bingo.
> 
> NEVER EVER operate out of fear.
> 
> If you conduct your relationship and express to your partner that you are fearful or concerned about that happening again, you have already poisoned the well.
> 
> In my experience, what is 'needed' for a partner to feel safe eventually starts looking like hoops to jump through, or they start moving the goal posts. There is a difference between someone wanting a check in, versus, you need to be super nice to me and treat with kid gloves because I was hurt very badly. It is an unhealthy model that can set the stage for the dynamic of; 'my needs are more important than your needs.'
> 
> I function under the following:
> Yes, I know you were cheated on, and that's terrible. I was cheated on too. But if you are with me wondering if, or when, I'm going to cheat on you rather than being invested in building the relationship ... regardless of where it goes, then you aren't ready for a relationship.


I only partly agree. I wouldn't make those demands yet I would hope that out of consideration, anyone I was interested in would act as enjoli did. That would be because they were interested in building the relationship.

I don't see it as much different than not buying fattening, sugar laden treats when someone I care about is trying to lose weight. 

What is wrong with being cognizant of certain sensitivities and acting to ameliorate them? I am not talking an unreasonable level. To not be willing to do so reeks of selfishness.


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## EnjoliWoman

I see both points. Yes, be considerate and aware but the other party cannot panic or be reactionary if their partner doesn't answer the phone. They can't immediately assume cheating and and starting the verification/VAR/etc. etc. process or be PA when the other person gets home. But the other person needs to never let it get to that level by being transparent. They don't need to check in constantly but a higher level of transparency is nice. I think if both are considerate (not jumping through hoops, just thoughtful, reassuring gestures) then eventually the trust is built and they are needed less and less.


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## WhiteRaven

EnjoliWoman said:


> I see both points. Yes, be considerate and aware but the other party cannot panic or be reactionary if their partner doesn't answer the phone. They can't immediately assume cheating and and starting the verification/VAR/etc. etc. process or be PA when the other person gets home. But the other person needs to never let it get to that level by being transparent. They don't need to check in constantly but a higher level of transparency is nice. I think if both are considerate (not jumping through hoops, just thoughtful, reassuring gestures) then eventually the trust is built and they are needed less and less.


I once dated a girl whose last relationship broke apart because of her bf's A. It definitely was a royal pain. Building your self-esteem is a gradual process. Only then should you move into a relationship. If you want companionship and sex go the FWB or ONS route. I am the BS now and I certainly won't put anyone through it.


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## Fenix

EnjoliWoman said:


> I see both points. Yes, be considerate and aware but the other party cannot panic or be reactionary if their partner doesn't answer the phone. They can't immediately assume cheating and and starting the verification/VAR/etc. etc. process or be PA when the other person gets home. But the other person needs to never let it get to that level by being transparent. They don't need to check in constantly but a higher level of transparency is nice. I think if both are considerate (not jumping through hoops, just thoughtful, reassuring gestures) then eventually the trust is built and they are needed less and less.


Agree 100%


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## Deejo

Fenix said:


> What is wrong with being cognizant of certain sensitivities and acting to ameliorate them? I am not talking an unreasonable level. To not be willing to do so reeks of selfishness.


I believe in consideration and compassion. I wouldn't involve myself with someone I didn't want to invest in, or care about. But ... I also believe in selfishness. Relationships are inherently selfish. We just don't paint them that way.

I'll be clear. I want very much to be a good partner ... and I expect the same in return. Absent that, my compassion has an expiration date.


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## browneyes74

I need to learn to be more like Deejo.. 

I was the one that jumped through hoops trying to prove to my STBX that I wasn't like his XW.. What a waste of life that was.. 

I own my own baggage.. This time, I'm going to be with someone that owns and carries their own.. I'm not a bellhop.


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## Fenix

Deejo said:


> I believe in consideration and compassion. I wouldn't involve myself with someone I didn't want to invest in, or care about. But ... I also believe in selfishness. Relationships are inherently selfish. We just don't paint them that way.
> 
> I'll be clear. I want very much to be a good partner ... and I expect the same in return. Absent that, my compassion has an expiration date.


I can agree with this.


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## Ceegee

browneyes74 said:


> I need to learn to be more like Deejo..
> 
> I was the one that jumped through hoops trying to prove to my STBX that I wasn't like his XW.. What a waste of life that was..
> 
> I own my own baggage.. This time, I'm going to be with someone that owns and carries their own.. I'm not a bellhop.


Yeah, but you don't play a mean jazz flute.


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## Wolf1974

Rowan said:


> Wolf, don't let the glow and comfort of knowing that you two share an understanding of the pain of infidelity blind you to the possibility of future red flags. Even people who have been cheated on sometimes go on to cheat themselves in future relationships. It's good to trust, but not blindly.


Oh I'm more than aware of that. I have learned enough about people to know that it's best to keep both eyes open and know what your tolerances are. I am capable of trust, but blind trust..... Never again


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