# Jealousy/Forgiveness For The Fog



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

How do you stop being jealous or forgiving someone for being in "the fog"? I confronted my wife about innapropriate behavior and she has been making really good efforts to work on our marriage. However, I still find myself being suspicious and jealous. I believe I overanalyze some situations now and need to learn to move on if she is making the efforts. Any thoughts?

ITD


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think you just force yourself to move past it.

My wife broke her word about something very important to me over 6 years ago. I try very hard not to dwell on it, but I'd be lying if I didn't mentally revisit that moment any time she says something like, "Trust me." I try to just say that I've made mistakes too, and I have much more important things to do than get nostalgic. Over time it gets easier.

Also remember that SHE is the one that put you where you are, so she should be doing everything she can to help you get past it if she is truly remorseful about what happened.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> How do you stop being jealous or forgiving someone for being in "the fog"? I confronted my wife about innapropriate behavior and she has been making really good efforts to work on our marriage. However, I still find myself being suspicious and jealous. I believe I overanalyze some situations now and need to learn to move on if she is making the efforts. Any thoughts?
> 
> ITD


Jealousy is normal and hard wired. It is a natural mechanism that is there to warn you about your mate being unfaithful to you. So the best you can do is rationalize it. It is there for a reason. If they are still in the fog, you should still have jealous feelings.

It is on the WS to get out of the fog. You really cannot completely forgive them until the fog is long gone and the repairs have been made. You can affirm that you intend to forgive. But it really is contingent on the WS.

You should have a heakthy skepticism about your WS. They have broken your trust and been unfaithful to you. It will take time for them to build that back. It is not incumbent upon you to be magnanimous and sweep it under the rug. Also most WS do backslide. So you should be very suspicious. They need you to be that way.

Background for reference:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/30495-one-long-crazy-summer.html#post406627


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So I read your previous thread.



> Update, My wife has really done a wonderful job of changing her behavior. She has drastically reduced contact with Susan and Susan is no longer going on the beach trip. She's focusing a lot of attention on our marriage and we seem to be doing much better. I've been pretty firm with her on issues and it really seems to have made a difference. Hopefully things will continue to progress in this manner.
> 
> ITD


Now this sounds great ... BUT, your wife needs to go total NC with Susan and you guys need to cut that family completely out of your life.

There may be more to this whole thing as well. You just do not know. So make sure you know what you are forgiving. It sounds like just an affair with Susan. Don't be totally shocked if they discussed threesomes with an OM. There was opportunity.

Anyway, as part of the NC your wife will be going through withdrawal. Most WSs backslide so you should be suspicious. Very suspicious. Susan is not going to sit idliy by. It is hard to believe they have not taken this underground. Idunno. One would expect that.

So how did the beach trip go? How sure are you Susan did not go?

Of course once this settles down... if it does ... You need to work on getting the passion back into your relationship. Obviously your wife wants it and is willing to go outside of the marriage to get it.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

The problem with my situation is that there is no official proof of anything happening(other than the word of Susan who I found out now likes to stir up trouble so I can't believe 100% of what she says either). Just massive amounts of red flag behavior that happened this summer. Generally where there's smoke, there is fire but I don't have anything that documents the actual fire. Just suspicious activity. 

Most of the summer, when I brought up the behavior, it was quickly dismissed by my wife. Finally, I let her know that I wouldn't take it anymore and her attitude changed. She has made strides and I really believe she wants to make us work better but she's never admitted to any "wrongdoing"(she fully denied the incident that Susan described to me). Just that she wants to get things back to "normal". 

She has drastically cut Susan down but they live just a few houses down so we see them in the neighborhood. I do know for a fact that she did not go on the beach trip. I also believe my wife when she wants to make us work better. I just can't help but being suspicious and hate times when I have to go out of town(occasionally for work). I just wanted some ideas on how to get out of the jealous state of mind because I really see my wife working on us and it is mentally tiring to overanalyze everything.


ITD


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> The problem with my situation is that there is no official proof of anything happening(other than the word of Susan who I found out now likes to stir up trouble so I can't believe 100% of what she says either). Just massive amounts of red flag behavior that happened this summer. Generally where there's smoke, there is fire but I don't have anything that documents the actual fire. Just suspicious activity.
> 
> Most of the summer, when I brought up the behavior, it was quickly dismissed by my wife. Finally, I let her know that I wouldn't take it anymore and her attitude changed. She has made strides and I really believe she wants to make us work better but she's never admitted to any "wrongdoing"(she fully denied the incident that Susan described to me). Just that she wants to get things back to "normal".
> 
> ...


You have plenty of information. There is no certainty in life.

It does not appear that you have over analyzed anything. Arguably you were late to the party based on your wife's late night activities. So I would argue that you were not suspicious enough or that you were a bit slow to begin with. But no matter. Folks seem to want to find that fire before they believe. But what they don't realize is that the smoke is damaging as well.

It is mentally tiring to deal with major life issues. One way to deal with this is to work on oneself. The best way to get the jealousy out of your mind is to make real viable change in your marriage. Deep down you know there are unresolved issues. 
Rug sweeping is usually not a good thing. 

So I suggest you guys start spending more quality time together. Do His Needs Her Needs toogether so that you both know each others needs. Also that boundaries are set.

In addition I suggest you visit Married Man Sex Life

It sounds like you may have dodged a buttet but have not resolved the root causes. If your wife strayed while that is not a noble thing and she owns that, you can go a long way to discover what made her vulnerable to this. It sounds like she wants some excitement in her life. I suggest you give it to her the best you can.

Make sure you have date nights and make it exciting. Improve your love life. 

if you do these things it will go a long way in doing what you are asking for. Taking action in positive ways does a lot for these types of feelings. It makes us feel that we are not just sitting back. We feel more in control of our destiny. If you are taking this action and engaging with your wife I think these feelings will subside.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Dark, you say there is no proof of anything. That is not true. You do have proof. Proof that she was not behaving to your expectations as your wife and the mother to your children. You have proof that she is not willing to admit this fact to you. You have proof that she is not willing to demonstrate to you that she will do whatever it takes to restore YOUR confidence that a relationship with her is worth investing any more of your time into. Those are the types of conversations you should be having with your wife. It's should not be about proving or disproving whether she fondled someone. 

I would be moving if I were you and allowing her to understand that it is HER actions that caused the need for this disruption in your family.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Entropy and Hicks. I'm going to be visiting with my wife tonight. I've been trying to gather my thoughts for some time now so I can be calm, clear and concise when we talk. I know she's maintained some contact with Susan and after slowing it down some, she has slowly started picking it back up again. She knows I know and has been kissing butt today in hopes that I won't say anything and she can have her cake and eat it too. I've noticed her behavior will be very friendly and affectionate with me when she knows I'm upset but the next day, when I'm not as upset anymore, she will go back to being indifferent. We'll be cutting off all contact with Susan and setting some firm boundries. 

ITD


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