# StatusQuo's status quo...



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

I deleted my original thread on here about my marriage, and now somewhat regret it, so I'm starting over with this sparkly new thread. Originally I had posted in the "Considering Divorce/Separation" section of TAM, but after having been here for a little while now, I realize that this section gets more attention, so I'm moving. 

Alas, on with the mundane story of StatusQuo...

Hubby and I have been together for 12 years, married for almost 7. We're both 31 years old. We have two small children (4yrs, and 20months).

I'm posting here because I'm not happy with my marriage. I feel like a roommate rather than a spouse. I'm having trouble connecting with my husband on a deeper level, and I've lost that "loving feeling" towards him. 

I can't blame him entirely, as I know it takes two people to make a marriage work. However, he has some faults that are hard for me to overcome, and have caused me to build up resentment towards him over the past five or so years. 

1.) He has a volatile temper. When he gets angry, he pounds his fists, punches walls, breaks things, and yells. For the most part, I've learned how to avoid evoking this type of reaction from him, however much of the time lately it's the children (just being kids) that set him off. I walk on eggshells to avoid doing anything that might cause him to erupt.

2.) I see myself as a very low priority to him. After posting here originally, I talked to him. I explained to him what I was feeling, that I wasn't happy, and further explained what I needed from him. This isn't the first time that I've told him these things, and yet he's made no effort to change anything. In his own words, he sees "nothing wrong with the way things are."

3.) He makes life decisions without consulting me. He recently borrowed money from his parents (a somewhat sizeable amount) without ever mentioning it to me until after he purchased the item that he borrowed money for. Granted, it was something that we needed, yet had we had a discussion about it, I would have opted to find another way to finance it. I'm not comfortable with owing his parents money.

4.) There is no affection in our marriage. When I enter a room, he leaves it. If I follow him, he leaves again. On all accounts, it seems like he's avoiding me... The only time he comes near me is when he wants me to put out.

5.) He complains about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. Everything in his life is some sort of injustice. It's draining to listen to him talk about his day, or anything else going on in our lives, as he focuses on the negative aspect of everything. 

6.) He randomly accuses me of cheating on him. I have NEVER cheated on him. He finds crazy reasons to think that I am, things that make no sense, and uses those as his "proof." Example: I wore jeans to work on a Wednesday = I must have been cheating on him.

Most nights I dread going home from work. I dread having to listen to him b!tch about his day, about what needs to be done around the house, about the way the kids are behaving. 

At the advice of others on TAM after my first post, I have sought out IC. I went for 6 weeks (a total of 4 sessions) before the IC person I was seeing told me that I was being emotionally abused by my husband, and then in the next breath told me there was nothing more that she could do for me and that was our last session.

I've set myself up with a new IC, and start seeing her tomorrow.

And there you have it... StatusQuo's status quo, in a nutshell.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Aww status.. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I went for 6 weeks (a total of 4 sessions) before the IC person I was seeing told me that I was being emotionally abused by my husband, and then in the next breath told me there was nothing more that she could do for me and that was our last session."

I venture that she's right. She probably listened to you and decided that you alone were not going to take the steps necessary to make this change. 

It has to be both you and your husband. If he doesn't change, your choices are (a) live this way forever or (b) leave him. I'm betting you told your IC that you would not leave him so you are stuck with option (a).


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I can't offer any advice because frankly I don't have any experience with this kind of thing. But I wanted to post, just to tell you StatusQuo that I read your posts and I think you're a pretty cool chick. You don't deserve what you're putting up with.

Oh, and your husband needs to be slapped upside his head. Because clearly he doesn't understand what he's about to lose.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Status,

I have to agree with the IC

Something is wrong with your husband. Now remember, I'm not a mental health professional (although I do play one on TAM) but I'd venture to guess that he may be depressed.

I also think that he is in need of at least some anger management counseling and that he probably needs counseling more than you do to address what I see here as some controlling behaviors.

I take it he isn't open to any type of joint counseling?

You need to tell him that in the long term, his behaviors are a deal breaker for you. Tell him you want to (if this is still true) grow old with him but don't see that happening now based on his current behaviors. Tell him you know you have issues to and the best way to surface and work on these issues is through joint counseling

Good luck to you


----------



## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I can't offer any advice because frankly I don't have any experience with this kind of thing. But I wanted to post, just to tell you StatusQuo that I read your posts and I think you're a pretty cool chick. You don't deserve what you're putting up with.
> 
> Oh, and your husband needs to be slapped upside his head. Because clearly he doesn't understand what he's about to lose.


Merely "liking" this wasn't sufficient. I whole-heartedly agree with every word Working wrote. I was especially pleased that he used "you're" correctly.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Possibly some IC as well as joint and I do agree that he may have some mental health issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> "I went for 6 weeks (a total of 4 sessions) before the IC person I was seeing told me that I was being emotionally abused by my husband, and then in the next breath told me there was nothing more that she could do for me and that was our last session."
> 
> I venture that she's right. She probably listened to you and decided that you alone were not going to take the steps necessary to make this change.
> 
> It has to be both you and your husband. If he doesn't change, your choices are (a) live this way forever or (b) leave him. I'm betting you told your IC that you would not leave him so you are stuck with option (a).



I never told her that I wouldn't leave him, that was/is still very much an option. I was looking for help with my marriage, and she was focused on things outside my marriage that happened a long time ago, things that weren't at all related to what I went to her for. Because I didn't see those things as pertinent (because they AREN'T) she was done with me. I'm hoping that this new IC will better understand what I need, what I'm looking for.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Status,
> 
> I have to agree with the IC
> 
> ...


I suggested MC to him in October, the last time we had the "I'm not happy with the way things are" talk. In October, he's the one the initiated the talk, saying that he wasn't happy. I gave him a list of MC's and left the ball in his court. He never set up an appointment. Oh, and his reason then for not being happy... I didn't dry the dishes at night. *sigh*

I haven't suggested it this time, since I didn't get any response to it last time. I've asked him countless times to seek some form of anger management counseling, and he laughs it off. 

Since I can't force him to do anything, I'm left with trying to get myself in a better place, hence I'm the one in IC.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I can't offer any advice because frankly I don't have any experience with this kind of thing. But I wanted to post, just to tell you StatusQuo that I read your posts and I think you're a pretty cool chick. You don't deserve what you're putting up with.
> 
> Oh, and your husband needs to be slapped upside his head. Because clearly he doesn't understand what he's about to lose.


Thanks WorkingOnMe, and GTdad!


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

StatusQuo said:


> I1.) He has a volatile temper. When he gets angry, he pounds his fists, punches walls, breaks things, and yells. For the most part, I've learned how to avoid evoking this type of reaction from him, however much of the time lately it's the children (just being kids) that set him off. I walk on eggshells to avoid doing anything that might cause him to erupt.


Long list of bad in your 1st post, but this is where I would make my stand. This is totally unacceptable, and your kids should not grow up seeing this. Trust me here, that was my childhood. At some point you may have to lay down your boundary - he gets pro help for his anger issues, or... 

You'll need to decide on that consequence.

You are a strong and wonderful woman. Don't forget that, and don't lose yourself behind some shell you put up to survive in that household. I walked on eggshells for years in my marriage. It's a slow death.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

StatusQuo,

Part of your story reminded me of an old quote from something I had read, and I searched, but couldn't find it. It went along the lines of, "... living our lives within the sea of his thunderous emotions..."

Your husband sounds like he has a very strong presence, so overpowering that you live a life that is defined by his outbursts and opinions. But what you need is someone who values you, and sees you as a partner in a mutually fulfilling marriage.

I think that the IC can be valuable for you, but having lived under a father who was similar to him, its hard to suggest ways to help in getting his attention in a real way, so that he sees the NEED to change.

I was encouraged, to a degree, that he at least initiated a discussion about being unhappy. May be going out on a limb, but is there a chance that the idea of changing enough to meet your needs is so overwhelming to him that he just can't even try? My wife struggled with some of the aspects of pessimistic thinking, critical tendencies, along with bipolar depression that ultimately led me to ask for a divorce. Not at all suggesting that I wasn't bringing my own issues to the table, though. But my wife was so utterly convinced that she was too much of a failure to change, that she really couldn't try for the longest time. In her case, a new doctor helped her to find a new medication approach that worked wonders to give her a foundation to make change.

For your husband, if he feels locked into who he is, he may be just fatalistic in his belief that he can be the person you need. I may be way off base, but thats what threads like this are for, right? To throw out ideas. So, my question is, what is the minimum change you would need to see from him to get him started? Would he be willing to accept your request of working with you one step at a time? Believe it or not, our marriage counselor started at that level. She challenged my wife to committ to one thing, and we moved forward over time.

Always remember that you deserve a mutually fulfilling relationship. Deep down, he should know that too.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Halien said:


> For your husband, if he feels locked into who he is, he may be just fatalistic in his belief that he can be the person you need. I may be way off base, but thats what threads like this are for, right? To throw out ideas. So, my question is, what is the minimum change you would need to see from him to get him started? Would he be willing to accept your request of working with you one step at a time? Believe it or not, our marriage counselor started at that level. She challenged my wife to committ to one thing, and we moved forward over time.
> 
> Always remember that you deserve a mutually fulfilling relationship. Deep down, he should know that too.


Halien,

Thank you for your post. I feel very controlled but his outbursts and emotions. That's one of the most challenging things that I deal with, and it stunts communication between us. I'm afraid to bring up my issues with our marriage, because I fear how he will react. It takes me days, sometimes weeks, to build up the courage to confront him on anything... not because I'm not strong willed enough to do so, but because I fear how he will react, and fear that it will result in a rage.

I hadn't considered the thought that it may be overwhelming to him to deal with everything all at once, it does make some sense that it could. I'm not sure how to approach breaking it down into smaller pieces though. I want him to know all the reasons why I'm unhappy with things as they are now. I don't want it to appear to him that I'm setting up a never-ending gauntlet for him whereby he corrects one thing only for me to throw another "challenge" at him. I'd like him to see the big picture all at once, and then together work on achieving those smaller steps.

I'm disheartened by the fact that he's made NO effort, despite knowing that I'm unhappy, and despite knowing that I'm attending IC in an effort to bring happiness back into our marriage. If the roles were reversed, and he was the one that was unhappy, I would be doing everything in my power to change that, I'd be checking in with him regularly to see if my actions were improving things for him. Nothing like that has happened though. It's as though it was a wasted effort on my part in telling him that I was unhappy, and listing for him the reasons why. My words were neither validated, nor considered, or so it seems, and that frustrates me.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

StatusQuo said:


> I'm disheartened by the fact that he's made NO effort, despite knowing that I'm unhappy, and despite knowing that I'm attending IC in an effort to bring happiness back into our marriage.


Maybe he sees no need to make an effort. You are busting your tail to make things better. You bring up IC/MC, you research books, you're at this forum, you show him you're still interested, etc. I'm not getting on you for doing these things, but I wonder if it makes your H think, "Well, no matter what I do or don't do, she's going to keep running in circles trying to make the marriage better. Works for me. Why lift a finger? Why look hard at myself and my own issues?"

Maybe you should detach more to let him see what might slip away if he can't get his azz in gear. I know that you'd have to walk a fine line with that, since he already accuses you of cheating...and is violent.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Maybe he sees no need to make an effort. You are busting your tail to make things better. You bring up IC/MC, you research books, you're at this forum, you show him you're still interested, etc. I'm not getting on you for doing these things, but I wonder if it makes your H think, "Well, no matter what I do or don't do, she's going to keep running in circles trying to make the marriage better. Works for me. Why lift a finger? Why look hard at myself and my own issues?"
> 
> Maybe you should detach more to let him see what might slip away if he can't get his azz in gear. I know that you'd have to walk a fine line with that, since he already accuses you of cheating...and is violent.


Perhaps that's the case, so then my question is, how do I make him see that he needs to put in an effort as well? I don't know how I can detach more than I already have, short of separating, at this point. I'm sure if I mentioned separation it would lead to an angry outburst on his part, as well as a plethora of accusations of infidelity. Beyond that, we barely talk as it is, except for his nightly rants about his job/life. Our sexlife is virtually non-existent, with the exception of occasionaly duty-sex. If I ceased that, again it would lead into further accusations of getting my needs met elsewhere...


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

along with the above maybe consider a trial separation and see if that doesnt get him in gear then he knows that you are serious hang in there SQ


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

*I'm sure if I mentioned separation it would lead to an angry outburst on his part*
Agree, don't mention that word at this point.

*as well as a plethora of accusations of infidelity. *
Like me, you're already getting a plethora. Does it matter that much if it's ramped up? I'm getting to the point of ignoring my W's constant accusations, and/or replying with humor.

*Beyond that, we barely talk as it is, except for his nightly rants about his job/life*. 
This may be a place to detach. Find something else to do with the kids, or for you. Say, "I'm sorry, but I had a rough day, and I don't want to listen to this now." 

*Our sxlife is virtually non-existent, with the exception of occasionaly duty-sx. If I ceased that, again it would lead into further accusations of getting my needs met elsewhere*...
Again, if you're already getting accused, does it matter? Be honest, and tell him that you're losing attraction due to his anger, or whatever other major problems you have.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Your list of grievances sound like a nightmare to live with. 

Good luck with the new IC.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

I had to cancel my IC appointment for today, as my toddler started vomiting at daycare this morning, so I'm home with him. H is out of town for the day, and I didn't have anyone else that could watch him.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> I had to cancel my IC appointment for today, as my toddler started vomiting at daycare this morning, so I'm home with him. H is out of town for the day, and I didn't have anyone else that could watch him.


Well it may not be a coincedence. You probably don't need to go to counseling in the first place. You know what's wrong, and what to do about it.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I've read a few of your posts. I can tell you that I've been almost exactly in your shoes, and I know it isn't fun. You cannot go on forever walking on eggshells, not knowing what might set him off. 

You have only 2 things in your control. You, and your children. As much as you want him to WANT to change, he never will at your longing.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to grow yourself. I have spent the past year and a few months of my life learning about me. I have learned some things about myself that I did not like and wished to change. And have worked very hard at changing them. 

The books that have helped my the most were Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, Sacred Selfishness by Harris, and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Covey. 

I understand that having two young children doesn't really make it easy to read! LOL! But you REALLY need to learn to love yourself. Because I see a young woman who in trying to do the right thing by everyone in her life, has neglected herself. Sweetie, NO ONE will ever love you like you can. I wish I could give you the gift of the "ah-ha!" moment I had when I finally came to realize that MY LIFE was worth SO MUCH MORE than what I was settling for.

YOU are WORTHY of being loved. By yourself and by others in your life. It's too short to be that miserable.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Forgot the book Women who Love too Much by Norwood. Another outstanding book.


----------



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I would ignore him. If he throws a tantrum, leave. If he breaks something, don't clean it up. He broke it, he cleans it. Change the way you would normally react to him and react in a total different way. He won't expect this and it will throw him off balance. If he asks you why you are acting this way tell him this is how you act when you are being disrespected.

If you are afraid of his violence then don't do the above. Find a way to leave until he has a couple of anger management therapy sessions under his belt.

He's going to need therapy no matter what.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Well it may not be a coincedence. You probably don't need to go to counseling in the first place. You know what's wrong, and what to do about it.


If I really knew what to do about it, I would already have done it.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

TemperToo - Thanks for the feedback, and the book recommendations. I have a few other books that others have recommended that I'm working on right now, but I'll add these to the list as well. 

Hopefull363 - I don't give in to his "rages", if he breaks something he has to clean it up/fix it/replace it. When he has a verbal outburst I separate myself and the kids from him, we go upstairs, or outside until he cools down. The only other resort would be to leave and go to a motel or something when he gets like that, but I fear the backlash from him if I were to do something like that.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you really believe that staying in this abusive relationship is the right thing to do? And if yes, whom is it right for?

ETA: Do you acknowledge that this relationship is abusive?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> The only other resort would be to leave and go to a motel or something when he gets like that, but I fear the backlash from him if I were to do something like that.


Bravery is not lack of fear; it is doing what we need to do for our own good regardless of our fear(s).

I lived with this for too many years. Backlash? You set your cell phone to auto-dial 911.

You pack necessities for you and the kids in a place you can quickly access - such as a friend's house. You have a couple hundred dollars stashed where he can't find it, but you can quickly get to it. Again - family and/or friend's place.

What did I do with the subsequent backlash I endured? I went to court. I stood in front of a judge and told the truth. I was issued a temporary restraining order. My ex had a summons served to appear in court the following week. He didn't show. I got a one-year restraining order. I was able to get back into my home and get all my belongings. Believe me, I WAS married to a man who beat me, shoved me, cursed me, gave me the big-time silent treatment, told lies about me ... you name it.

You may be dealing with a narcissist or sociopath. Labels don't matter, even though I'm throwing them out there. What matters is, this man has control over you by virtue of his ability to get enraged and scare the living crap out of you.

You have to realize that he doesn't want to be helped at this point. Your kids are being exposed to a negative role model. You are living in fear.

And that is NO WAY to live. 

Get an escape route in place, and find someone who will take you in until you can figure out what you need to do. And when I say "need to do," I mean seeing an attorney.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Not sure if you can relate to any of this, but thought you might be interested in reading...

Always To Blame, Always My Fault


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

swedish said:


> Not sure if you can relate to any of this, but thought you might be interested in reading...
> 
> Always To Blame, Always My Fault


Thanks Swedish... a lot of that was very easy to relate to.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Do you really believe that staying in this abusive relationship is the right thing to do? And if yes, whom is it right for?
> 
> ETA: Do you acknowledge that this relationship is abusive?


It's hard for me to classify it as abusive. He has anger issues, his angry outbursts scare me. I've never feared that he would physically hurt me, or my children. I fear him breaking things, I fear destruction of our posessions. He's never called me names, or been blatantly degrading as such. He's an angry person, I'll attest to that much. I believe he's insecure, and untrusting, and that's what prompts the accusations he blasts me with. 

He's not a "horrible" person, I do believe he loves me, and our children. We've been through a lot in the past 12 years, and I don't want to throw that history away. 

Maybe I'm stupid to think that his issues are fixable, maybe I'm naive in thinking that things can get better, but at this point THAT is what I want.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

I met with my new IC on Friday. She seems to be a much better "fit" than the one I saw previously. Friday was just a "get to know you", and telling her what brought me there. I meet with her again on Thursday. I left there Friday feeling much better than I did after meeting with the previous IC, this lady was much more optimistic about life in general, was very personable, and was willing to work with me on the parts of my life that I see as issues, rather than dwelling on things that I'm not seeking help with. I have high hopes this time. 

The weekend with hubby went pretty well. We took my daughter on her first hike. She made it all the way to the summit, and back with very little help (about 4+ miles round trip). I was very proud of her, and she was SOOO proud of herself! It was a great day.

My only "issue" with the weekend was in regards to plans for our upcoming wedding anniversary. My in-laws and hubby decided that we would all go to Maine for our anniversary. *sigh* I'm all for a trip to Maine, but seriously, do we have to include his parents on EVERYTHING?!?!?! It's not THEIR anniversary. GRRRR!!


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Hubby called me yesterday while I was at work to vent about his job and coworkers. I spent 10 minutes on the phone with him (though it seemed like an eternity). He spent the entire duration of the phone call ranting loudly, and swearing non-stop. I felt completely deflated after I got off the phone with him. I had been having a pretty good day at work up until that point, but after listening to his tirade, my day suddenly sucked as well. 

I was hoping after having vented like that earlier in the day, that he would be in a better mood when he got home. No such luck. He didn't get home until after 7:00, the kids and I were sitting down to eat dinner when he came in the door. He grabbed a plate and joined us, and picked up his ranting right where he had left off on the phone. *sigh*

We finished dinner, I cleaned up the dinner mess, and did the dishes, got the kiddos ready for bed, and headed upstairs to brush their teeth. While I'm brushing Baby Boy's teeth, he's antagonizing Girly Girl, taking her stuffed animal from her, and making her scream. I asked him to leave her alone. I get her teeth brushed and put the baby in his crib, meanwhile, he's chasing Girly Girl around "playing" and she's bawling. I tell Girly Girl to go lay on my bed and I'll read to her while she calms down, and hubby stomps downstairs to watch tv. So much for putting the kids to bed early so we could have some grown up time. 

I get Girly Girl to bed, and I go downstairs to join hubby. I try a couple times to initiate conversation, and he completely ignores me. I went upstairs to go to bed, and left him down there by himself. *sigh*


----------



## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Its a difficult one, loads of whatif's and couldbe's and should have done etc...

Can I just say a big WELL DONE for wanting to try to work things out and staying true to your vows...That takes a lot of courage...

I keep hearing a repeating theme, his job, his coworkers, his anger i.e. breaking things and not wanting to talk...

Here we go..."could it be" he feels trapped in his job, he is having or has had some issues with his coworkers and doesnt know how to deal with it so as we all do usually take it out on our dearest and nearest....to the extent of not really being vocal when he comes home like this evening, he just sits infront of the TV to forget his time at work because he may potentially feel trapped...

Do you work? or is he the main breadwinner?

How long has he been moaning about work and everything else?

Its a tricky situation in that he will not go to counselling or MC...

I think when you start speaking about issues at home or in your life because he is full of problems coming out of his ears and every other oriface he feels even more trapped so hits out....

Usually anger occurs when we as people do not have an outlet or a way of resolving the issue at hand...Don't ask me how you would find out but there is something deeper behind this all.

How about writing him a letter? explaining how you love him, miss him and want to find out why he is so angry? 

Has he ever spoke to you openly about his feelings, I dont mean *****ing or moaning about his coworkers but his proper true inner feelings?

It is painful to see the person we love most change their behaviour without any logical explanations. Mostly its because we are so attached we cannot see why and why shouldnt we be, we love them so.

Its also a case of sometimes we as partners dont always have the answers they are looking for. We are not trained counsellors or therapists.

If you love him so to want to stay and want him to change, there must be a subtle way you can somehow convey to him, he needs to address what is bothering him because its freaking you out. Without using words such as anger management, emotional abuse and victim...

Just imagine for one second if he has some issue he feels scared about and unable to speak to you about being a man's man, the main breadwinner, would you not like him to get it resolved? Sure none of us are mind readers but alot of us do become complacement and at times take the people we love most for granted.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> It's hard for me to classify it as abusive. He has anger issues, his angry outbursts scare me. I've never feared that he would physically hurt me, or my children. I fear him breaking things, I fear destruction of our posessions. He's never called me names, or been blatantly degrading as such. He's an angry person, I'll attest to that much. I believe he's insecure, and untrusting, and that's what prompts the accusations he blasts me with.
> 
> He's not a "horrible" person, I do believe he loves me, and our children. We've been through a lot in the past 12 years, and I don't want to throw that history away.
> 
> Maybe I'm stupid to think that his issues are fixable, maybe I'm naive in thinking that things can get better, but at this point THAT is what I want.


Well his behavior sounds like a temper tantrum. I know ....used to throw them myself.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Hi Status,

I didn't know your story until now. Sorry you're in this situation but I sort of agree with the others.

Unfortunately I am a lot like your husband. I have an intellectually demanding job and I'm just a different kind of cat than my coworkers so we "tolerate" each other. I'm a football and beer guy, they don't like sports and drink wine. I also find myself doing the job of others for no recognition. It really really affects my personal relationships with my wife and daughter.

I have seriously tried to make up for that and turn it around but it's hard. I had the outbursts. The breaking of walls, shouting...etc.

I've eliminated those but I do recognize in him what was in myself. I believe he loves you. Immensely. And your children too. But I think he's very angry with his lot in life in regards to his job. That can destroy a man. 

Leaving the room when you enter it is resentment and conflict avoidance. He needs to open up to you about what he perceives to be a slight against him from you.

The lack of communication is killing your marriage...what sucks is that it's not really on your end.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Okay - I'm going to be blunt because I lived it for 22 yrs. before I found the courage to walk:

Your husband is emotionally abusive. There are books out there about "walking on eggshells" & "why is he like that?" Not quite sure of the exact titles.

He is an energy vampire slowly sucking the life out of you with his temper, abuse, negativity & anger. I feel horrible for your children.

He will not change w/o serious counseling & it may not even work.

Everyone & anyone I told about my exH told me to get out. I will not tell you that because it used to piss me off because I loved him, did not want to divorce but wanted so badly for him to change.

One day, I couldn't take it one more day, left & never looked back.

I truly hope that your husband will change for you, your children & mostly for himself.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

xirokx said:


> Here we go..."could it be" he feels trapped in his job, he is having or has had some issues with his coworkers and doesnt know how to deal with it so as we all do usually take it out on our dearest and nearest....to the extent of not really being vocal when he comes home like this evening, he just sits infront of the TV to forget his time at work because he may potentially feel trapped...
> 
> Do you work? or is he the main breadwinner?
> 
> How long has he been moaning about work and everything else?


His job... He's worked for the same agency for 10+ years. He makes decent money. For the past 10 years he was in an "entry level position", pidgeon-holed to that position due to the small size of the company (6 employees). For 10 years he's been complaining because he wanted a promotion. Within the past few months that "dream" of his came to fruition. The exectuive director was fired, his boss moved into that position, and he moved into his boss' former position. Now that he has what he wanted, and vied for all this time, he hates it.  There's a lot going on with the office dynamics, a lot of inequity amoung the 6 employees, and he feels taken advantage of at work. To his credit, the board members see how important he is, and understand his frustrations, they are hoping to enact change in the agency, but it will take a lot to get that to happen.

I work full-time as well, in a decent job. I make a little less than he does now that he's been promoted. Together we make a healthy amount of money, yet finances are tighter than we would like due to the insane cost of daycare for our two small children.




> I think when you start speaking about issues at home or in your life because he is full of problems coming out of his ears and every other oriface he feels even more trapped so hits out....
> 
> Usually anger occurs when we as people do not have an outlet or a way of resolving the issue at hand...Don't ask me how you would find out but there is something deeper behind this all.
> 
> How about writing him a letter? explaining how you love him, miss him and want to find out why he is so angry?


I think this is very much the case, he feels trapped in his job, he feels invalidated by it, feels taken advantage of... I've suggested to him repeatedly, that if he is THAT unhappy with his job, that he should start looking for a different one. 

As far as stresses at home, as I mentioned, we aren't as financially secure as we would like to be, but we aren't entirely broke either. We do live paycheck to paycheck, and have minimal savings at this time. All of our financial obligations are met monthly though, we aren't behind on anything, and we do have enough money to do fun things. We don't have any extravagant "extras" in our lives, but our debts are quite minimal because we are responsible about how we handle our finances.

I've tried writing letters to him in the past, detailing the way that I was feeling, why I was feeling that way, and what I needed/wanted from him. He read them. He made effort for a few days, and then things slid back to the way that they were.



> Has he ever spoke to you openly about his feelings, I dont mean *****ing or moaning about his coworkers but his proper true inner feelings?


Our deep heart-to-hearts ended a long time ago.  I lost my little brother tragically 8 years ago. At that time I was an emotional mess. Hubby didn't know how to deal with my grief, and asked that I not involve him in it any longer. It was too much for him to cope with. Not wanting to make him uncomfortable with my own emotions, I stopped talking to him about that part of myself. 

Occasionally, during the first few years of our relationship, he would open up to me about things that he hadn't shared with others. In the most recent years, we haven't had any of those candid moments. Aside from his bytching about work, there is very little communication on his part about how he's feeling about anything.



> If you love him so to want to stay and want him to change, there must be a subtle way you can somehow convey to him, he needs to address what is bothering him because its freaking you out. Without using words such as anger management, emotional abuse and victim...
> 
> Just imagine for one second if he has some issue he feels scared about and unable to speak to you about being a man's man, the main breadwinner, would you not like him to get it resolved? Sure none of us are mind readers but alot of us do become complacement and at times take the people we love most for granted.


I had asked him to seek anger management (about a year ago). He rolled his eyes at me, because he doesn't see his outbursts as an anger issue. I stopped bringing it up. I did ask, recently, that he speak to his doctor about his mood swings/depression, and he did do that. He just started taking a mood stabilizer this week, so we'll see if that helps at all. 

If he is feeling scared/unsure about something, i would love to get to the bottom of it... or have him get to the bottom of it so we can work to resolve it.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Well his behavior sounds like a temper tantrum. I know ....used to throw them myself.


How did you get past it, Joe? what made you realize that this was what you were doing? What did you do to stop yourself from behaving like that?


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

sinnister said:


> Hi Status,
> 
> I didn't know your story until now. Sorry you're in this situation but I sort of agree with the others.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. Like I asked Joe... What made you realize that you were doing these things? What actions did you take to correct those things? Was there anything that your wife could have done to reach out to you, to make you see how it was affecting your relationship? Would you have listened/heard her if she tried?


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Okay - I'm going to be blunt because I lived it for 22 yrs. before I found the courage to walk:
> 
> Your husband is emotionally abusive. There are books out there about "walking on eggshells" & "why is he like that?" Not quite sure of the exact titles.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I'm truly hopeful that he can and will change back to the man that he was years ago. I see glimmers of that man still there, and that gives me hope. I do understand the "energy vampire" metaphor that you stated. I feel that. I, too, worry about what this is doing to my children. That's the part that scares me the most. 

Walking and never looking back sounds good in theory, but we both have so much invested in this marriage, in our family, and in our lives together. I would much prefer making these attempts to change things for the better, to at least know that I tried. That I didn't just bail, when there may have been something that I could have done to make us whole again.

I'm not above leaving, I just don't want that to be my first choice of options when there are others that I could have explored. Ideally, I'd like to see my family healed and whole... If it becomes obvious that that isn't possible, then I will take my children and leave.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> How did you get past it, Joe? what made you realize that this was what you were doing? What did you do to stop yourself from behaving like that?


Honestly it was when I decided to R with pidge. I figured if we were going to try might as well go all the way. I wasn't blind to how I was acting ( and it does pop up sometimes even still).
I just didn't care. That's what it boils down to. I had to want to change.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Honestly it was when I decided to R with pidge. I figured if we were going to try might as well go all the way. I wasn't blind to how I was acting ( and it does pop up sometimes even still).
> I just didn't care. That's what it boils down to. I had to want to change.


But it took that "rock bottom" to get you to that point?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> But it took that "rock bottom" to get you to that point?


Yes. We were at stay or go. I knew if I stayed that there had to be some change on my end as well. I also knew the things I blew up about weren't necessarily the things I was really upset about. I just assumed she knew what was pissing me off instead of telling her. I've done some stupid crap. Have had to patch some holes in the wall, buy a few phones, replace a bookshelf....you know the drill.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Yup, we've had to patch walls, buy new electronics, replace dishes, etc. The blinds in the kitchen door still need to be replaced, but I'm leaving that one up to him. 

If Pidge had come to you, before all hell broke loose in your marriage, and told you that you needed to stop doing those things, that they were damaging to your relationship... would you have listened? or would it have just escalated you further because she wasn't "getting it"?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> Yup, we've had to patch walls, buy new electronics, replace dishes, etc. The blinds in the kitchen door still need to be replaced, but I'm leaving that one up to him.
> 
> If Pidge had come to you, before all hell broke loose in your marriage, and told you that you needed to stop doing those things, that they were damaging to your relationship... would you have listened? or would it have just escalated you further because she wasn't "getting it"?


Great question. I will answer honestly. No.
I would have seen it as another in a long list of demands she "put upon" me. Resentment on both sides had reached the point that we saw every conversation as an attack. Pride is a fickle b*tch and I saw compromise as weak. 
Man if we just could have talked like adults..... If I could have just acted like one.


----------



## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Great question. I will answer honestly. No.
> I would have seen it as another in a long list of demands she "put upon" me. Resentment on both sides had reached the point that we saw every conversation as an attack. Pride is a fickle b*tch and I saw compromise as weak.
> Man if we just could have talked like adults..... If I could have just acted like one.


^^ I think this is where we are heading... So, your answer, while I expected that (and thank you so much for being honest about it), leaves me lost. When I try to talk to him, to tell him how his actions make me feel, he takes it as a personal attack... as me finding fault with everything that he does. That's not my intention, yet I see that's how he's taking it. So I've ceased asking for things, stopped pointing out what he's doing and how wrong it is. 

Short of telling him, that I want out of the marriage, I don't know what I can do to make him recognize these things. I fear that that "rock bottom" feeling will be the only thing that will wake him up. I don't want to do that to him, or to us. kwim?


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

StatusQuo said:


> ^^ I think this is where we are heading... So, your answer, while I expected that (and thank you so much for being honest about it), leaves me lost. When I try to talk to him, to tell him how his actions make me feel, he takes it as a personal attack... as me finding fault with everything that he does. That's not my intention, yet I see that's how he's taking it. So I've ceased asking for things, stopped pointing out what he's doing and how wrong it is.
> 
> Short of telling him, that I want out of the marriage, I don't know what I can do to make him recognize these things. I fear that that "rock bottom" feeling will be the only thing that will wake him up. I don't want to do that to him, or to us. kwim?


Yeah , I get you. You know I really never knew how miserable I was until we actually started talking. I never knew how miserable she was. Comes down to this, sometimes you have to burn it down and rebuild. 
She put it to me this way, "We deserve to be happy and we can be".
Yes it takes work but so does being miserable. At least the work spent towards being happy has a reward. 
It just might take you telling him that you want out to wake him up. If he is anything like me he will tell you fine hit the road.....then once pride craws back into it's hidey-hole he will actually do some real thinking. ( I hope)


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

StatusQuo said:


> I deleted my original thread on here about my marriage, and now somewhat regret it, so I'm starting over with this sparkly new thread. Originally I had posted in the "Considering Divorce/Separation" section of TAM, but after having been here for a little while now, I realize that this section gets more attention, so I'm moving.
> 
> Alas, on with the mundane story of StatusQuo...
> 
> ...


It sounds like you both have very poor boundaries. For me there are two categories of boundaries, incoming and outgoing. Incoming is how we let others treat us, outgoing is how we let ourselves treat others.

Your H’s outgoing boundaries are really bad, he is “letting” himself (a lot of his behaviour will be subconscious) treat you in very bad ways.

Your incoming boundaries are terrible because you tolerate the way he treats you. What I mean by tolerate (in case you think you don’t) is that you are still there with him when another woman would have been long gone.

The question is “why” are you still there? If you don’t know then you really do need to find out. In this be BRUTALLY honest with yourself. Make two lists, one the good and the other the bad that you get out of being with him.

Your very poor incoming boundaries, your patience and tolerance of his abusive behaviour, you being the only one willing to change and trying to change are clear indications that you are a codependent.

Your good/bad list will tell you “why” you are a codependent with the man your H is. That is, why you are tolerating his abusive behaviour such that you stay with him such that you get what you feel you so desperately need from him?

I’d recommend you find out about codependency and find out about healthy boundaries. Also read Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books, you have a reasonable level of awareness which is clear in your writing, the book will take you to a much higher plane.

Your H wont budge an inch until he is in FEAR of loss. Divorce papers can inject that sort of fear into him but ONLY if he values you and constant contact with his children. Until he has that fear of loss and is driven to change himself it’s totally pointless recommending any books or whatever for him.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> I would ignore him. If he throws a tantrum, leave. If he breaks something, don't clean it up. He broke it, he cleans it. Change the way you would normally react to him and react in a total different way. He won't expect this and it will throw him off balance. If he asks you why you are acting this way tell him this is how you act when you are being disrespected.
> 
> If you are afraid of his violence then don't do the above. Find a way to leave until he has a couple of anger management therapy sessions under his belt.
> 
> He's going to need therapy no matter what.


:iagree:
Something's gotta give. 

As has been said, you cannot change him but you can change the way you react to him. Work on making yourself immune to his manipulative controlling tactics. You'll feel better for it. 

Have you tried positive thinking/affirmations. I say this coz I think you'll need to strengthen yourself. Not saying you are weak as such, but with all you are going through you need to be able to fortify yourself on his bad days and so that you do not cave and go back to acting the way you have previously been acting i.e. walking on eggshells / accepting (albeit reluctantly) his behaviour. 

Daily Affirmations for Women

When you get to go, hope you find the new counsellor more helpful than the last.


----------

