# He says he doesn't love me anymore.....



## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Hi All,

First time I've written any thing like this but I'm at a loss as to what to do. Yesterday my boyfriend of 5 years told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore.. Talk about being shocked! We bought a house together about 7 months ago and up until a few weeks ago I had no clue he felt that way.
When he told me he was crying and keep saying that the never wanted to hurt me and that he just didn't feel 'anything' anymore. He wants to try couples counselling - we are booked in to see someone in a few days time. In the mean time he's staying away at his brothers and I'm trying to hold myself together.
Has anyone has anyone had a similar situation?
He wants to try every option before calling it quits but if the love is gone can it come back?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Bel said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Yesterday my boyfriend of 5 years told me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore.. Talk about being shocked! We bought a house together about 7 months ago and up until a few weeks ago I had no clue he felt that way.



You should focus on the mortgage you signed together as love with a BF is one thing and being in debt and ruining your credit is FAR FAR worse and will cause you suffering for a longggg time.
Get off that note or have him move out.

As far as your BF, your not legally married except to the house.
You can walk away at any time from him, but not the house if you bought it together.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your boyfriend is conducting himself in a very admirable way.

i'm sorry he feels as he does, but he's acting honorably.

this bodes well for your relationship

if the two of you stick to your plan and really do 'try every option', there's a very good chance your relationship will not only survive, but come through this crisis stronger than ever.

and if your relationship is not meant to be, you'll personally come through emotionally stronger with the confidence that indeed it was not meant to be.


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Thanks for the support  
I do trully hope that we can 'find' the love that seems to be missing. For the moment I will just be happy with the fact that he wants to exhaust every option with an open mind.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you're wiser than your years, good for you for staying positive.

couples counseling will be very revealing for the both of you, and you seem to be in a good place to hear what might be said.

have a bunny, they're free 
:bunny:


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

I thought I'd add a little bit of background to see if someone can see any answers to the problem in what I say.
We worked together for a few years before becoming a couple. At first I was just in it for a bit of fun. I'd have a 7 year relationship (which included a house but no kids thankfully) go bad with the reaon being I was drinking which doesn't agree with me at all.
I was still drinking when he and I first got together but after about a year I stoped (four years without a drink!). He was the one that wanted to settle down and get all serious, I can't say that it wasn't what I'd hoped for, it was 'nice'. Along the way somewhere I've fallen in love with him deeply and up until 6 weeks ago he says he felt the same.
How can love just go? He says he told me becuase he felt guilty sitting on the couch cuddling (as we do every night) and just feeling numb.
He has added stress at work and I'm actually wondering if he's depressed and that's why he feels like this?
Any ideas of what to do or how to make the love grow again I'd much appreciate.
We are taking time apart and my head tells me this is the right option but my heart screams to see him :scratchhead:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Did he say what led up to his feelings? 

What was wrong with your relationship according to him?


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

He said nothing was wrong with the relationship, that I'm wonderful and do everything that he wants/needs. He just says he doesn't feel 'love' for me anymore - well he says he's not 100% sure that there is nothing there.
I know that I am a bit of a control freak and like a fairly structured life, he's more of a take each day as it comes type of guy.
All I want it to have him feel something other than loyalty for me and guilt at not feeling like he used too.


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

I need to write this down which is why I'm replying to my own comment i guess.
We had the first counseling session yesterday. It was okay but still if he doesn't have feelings for me (other than loyalty and guilt over hurting me) I can't fix it. We are still going to try everything to get back we had. He wants to because he doesn't think it's fair to throw away 5 years of happiness when he's not even sure why his feelings are gone. He's a very black and white type of guy - either you are in something 100% or you just don't do it. He's not 100% sure that he wont feel something for me again. I thought shutting off all contact and hoping that he would miss me would work but he wants to keep in contact and still wants to see me.
Has anyone out there just stopped loving their partner for no real reason at all?
I'm not worried about losing the house - he's going to sign it over to m sooner rather than later because he knows that I've been through it before and he doesn't want me go through it again - plus it was my money that we spent on getting it in the first place.
We are having a trial seperation - have no idea how long we want it to last just that we want to sort it out before the end of this year. Does that sound fesible? I have no ideas here....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Bel said:


> How can love just go? :


Real love doesn't go like that. It sounds more like infatuation or some immature or shallow type of situation than it was love.
Those kinds of relationships can all of a sudden be done, gone and over, in a flash. Real love isn't like that, so I guess your lucky your not married as it would cost you a lot to divorce. Instead you can use the money you would normally spend to divorce and hire an attorney to get off the mortgage or have him buy you out of it.

You say he is a black and white kinda guy... sounds to me like he may not be that deep to begin with... or able to susutain a relationship since his feelings change so easily. 
Last thing I'd do is put my faith into someone like that !


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Bel said:


> I'm not worried about losing the house - QUOTE]
> 
> I wouldn't worry about the house either, but its your credit you need to try and save !!!


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Not worried bout my crdit rating as such I can afford the mortgage myself so that's not really an issue. Thanks for the imput  any sort of opinion is what I need right now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How was the physical part of the relationship over the last 5 years - consistent - slowly tapering off? Has either of you changed much physically?





Bel said:


> Not worried bout my crdit rating as such I can afford the mortgage myself so that's not really an issue. Thanks for the imput  any sort of opinion is what I need right now.


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

I guess it's been tapering off over the past couple of months... both working longer hours so actual sex is only on the weekends. We still cuddled on the couch every night and lots of hugs and kisses. I'm starting to wonder if he's depressed and doesn't know it - would that make him feel nothing?

physically he's gained a bit of weight.. but I'm still very much the same as when we were first together. He says he's still attracted to me but doesn't know 100% if he loves me. I'm just darn confused


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

are you sure there isn't someone else ? doesn't sound ba and white to me - sounds very gray...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Since he is open to exhaust all options (which is a really great sign, IMO) have you talked to him about the possibility of depression? It sure would fall in line with his sudden unhappiness. If he is feeling pressure at work, the financial stress of needing his income may be causing him to resent you in some way (although not your fault in any way) but I wonder if he'd be willing to take a depression test (they are online and about 10 questions)...just to rule that out?


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Hi,

Positive that there is no one else, he would have told me rather than putting me into a 'holding pattern' and going to counseling. He finds it hard to talk about his feelings at the best of times let alone talking to a complete stranger so I know he's trying to find the cause behind the feeling of being 'numb' towards me.
If it was someone else I'd be in a better place in a way, there would be a reason to give up on us. The way that it is makes me sad and angry all at once.
I've put it back on him to contact me (he wants to continue the contact and communication. I wanted to cut it all off in hope that he will miss me). The problem that I'm finding with that is that when he does ring or what ever I'm reading too much into it. He's just making sure that I'm okay and all i want is for him to say 'I love you'.


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Swedish you are thinking along the lines of what I think has happened. He is not exactly a positve person in the first place (I'm always fairly positive). He was been depressed once before when his father passed away and says that it's not what he is feeling. I'm no expert but surely there are different forms of depression and it doesn't have to feel the same everytime?
The therapist asked a lot of questions about depression of him. He says that he's always a bit depressed and doesn't think that that is a cause of this. Is it possible to slide into depression and not even realise it if you have a 'drepessive' personality anyway?


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Unfortunately there are many people on here who have heard the whole "I don't Love you anymore" statement. I hope that you are going to a pro-marriage pro-keeping it together therapist. I made the mistake of going to some butthead who pretty much just told us to move on and he would help us deal with divorce and the kids. Lovely!!!! Also please read "The Five Love Languages" By Gary Chapman That is a must read. I wish you the best and hopefully you guys can save this before it gets too far outta hand.


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

i have to agree with knorto i got the i dont love someone speech and found out a couple of weeks later it was cause he loved someone else. i hope not for your sake but the i dont love you speech is sometimes harder than the i found someone who appeals to me more because at least then your not racking your brain trying to figure out whats wrong with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

What everyone is saying is possible. I have no idea if there is someone else - he could be hiding it from me but why? He's already signing the house over to me so there would be nothing to gain from him lying. Personally if I was him and I did have someone else I wouldn't be forking out $360 per counselling session and still making payments on MY mortgage. I'm at a loss to figure anything out and I know I'm probably trying to find reasons and hope when there is none...


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

yes bel your right at least hes going to counseling. Im afraid i am projecting on you. If hes going to try to get help and he sounds after reading your posts again that he is sincere and he is communicating his feelings to you then I say be strong and try to see if it helps. Given enough time i think it will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Thank you  
I do hope that everyone on this site gets the best results for them in the end.


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

I need a little advice. Since the counselling session we haven't seen each other. He said that he wanted to maintain contact and to be able to txt, ring each other etc when we needed to. It was his birthday so I as per normal I wished him a happy birthday (via txt which was probably wrong), he replied with 'thankyou'. It wasn't what I wanted to hear I guess and it made me upset, mind you I would have been more upset if he didn't reply.
We are meant to see each other before the counseling session which is 7 days away now, I guess I expected him to have already made more contact and want to see me. Am I being unreasonable? It has only been 4 days (7 since he told me he didn't know 100% if he loved me). I'm in emotional limbo and as I'm a bit of a control freak I'm not handling it very well.:scratchhead:

Any ideas as to how long I should leave it? And is it okay for me to ring and ask to see him??


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

*good or bad?*

We went to one couples counselling session - she wasn't really what I think we were looking for in the end - especially seeing she asked at the end of it what we were going to do with the house ....
Long story trying to be short, we ended it 5 days ago but are still keeping in contact (txt, email and phone). He rang me the other night just to talk... make sure I was ok I guess. I kept it very light and happy but it shifted back to us of course. He said he hadn't told anyone or looked for a place to rent because it made it feel 'real'. I'm not looking for hidden messages, that's just the way he feels right now.
I went to a different therapist by myself to be able to cope with everything... the conversation of course ended up being about the relationship. This guy has different views on couples therapy... sort of don't look for the problems at the start, try to ignore them and work on rekindling the love first then sort out the other stuff.
He thinks men find companionship love more difficult to move into than women... women tend to feel content and men can feel like the love is just gone... Opinions anyone?
I asked my ex and he's happy to try this new guy and just see what he has to say.
In the mean time I am meeting up with him for coffee in two days and would like to be able to inspire some interest between us...of the sexual nature I guess, get his heart racing a bit like it used too...
Any ideas on the best way to flirt to re-kindle the 'spark'??:scratchhead:


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Sorry no one replied. I just signed on the board after a week or so. I am curious what happened at coffee?


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Hi,

New thread now in the going thro divorce/seperation forum.

Nothing good happened at coffee.... well we slept together after but it was a huge error and I'm too emotionally attached to have done that...

Set myself up for another fall and that's what happened!


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

*Re: good or bad?*



Bel said:


> This guy has different views on couples therapy... sort of don't look for the problems at the start, try to ignore them and work on rekindling the love first then sort out the other stuff.


Don't mean to hijack the thread, but... 

The couples counselor we recently tried had that same approach, which I understand in theory... but I think things were a little too far gone for that "don't directly deal with the problems" approach. Looks like we're heading toward separation anyway. Just too many years of "stuff" clogged up to rekindle the love, or more appropriately, *want* to rekindle the love.

Has this counseling approach worked for any couples here?


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