# i dont know if i can trust again



## septo (Mar 27, 2013)

ok here goes, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs 7 months ago she told me she wanted a separation, it was my fault, I had been neglecting her for years and not being a partner in the home, I gave her the separation, I moved out to give her the space she wanted ,that lasted 2 months but due to finances I had to move back in and have been sleeping in another room we also have 3 children ages 2-9. throughout this time she kept telling me she needed space and that there was no one else, she had work friends but there was one that I had some suspicions about she would meet up with him to walk to work on allot of mornings, I would ask her and all she said is "what I cant walk with some one?”. She told me if it bothered me she would stop walking with him, I told her it didn't (I wanted to trust her). Every month or so I would ask her if she had thought about what she wanted to do eventually she said she was done and had no feelings for me anymore , well that was devastating to me but I took it . we decided we would wait till the spring to sell the house and get a divorce a month ago I asked her to reconsider I had been making changes in my life and she noticed , she said she would reconsider but I had this gut feeling there was something going on . I got into her cell phone one night and found out she had sent this co worker (the guy she was walking to work with 7 months ago) a naked video clip of her, right when I saw it she caught me looking in her phone I was devastated, we argued she had always told me she was nothing but honest with me throughout our separation and there was no one else. 7 months of lies that’s all I thought. So after 3 days of being a complete mess, not sleeping having a break down basically, she told me that it had started 3 months earlier with texting or sexting I guess they call it, then he sent her a picture of himself naked and she responded with this video clip. She says that hes a complete jerk (I know it I have met him before and his wife). I contemplated finding him and kicking his ass and then telling his wife. My wife held me back and begged me not too, it would destroy her work life and would have to quit if this ever got out. She now is willing to go to counseling and give our marriage another chance and has told me she has ended it with him. She still sees him at work Monday to Friday how do I know if it has ended and if it wasn’t more than just texts and pictures. This man has met me has introduced his wife to me how do I now if he will stop (I did send him an email telling him to stay away from my wife) 

thanks for any advice


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

That's a bullsh!t story she's feeding you. She was either banging this guy or somebody else when she first asked you to move out. She has to quit the job. No contact with OM because it feeds the dopamine addiction she has for him. You also need to expose to the OMW and she can deal with POSOM. He'll dump your WW fast after that.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

She is/was sleeping with him.
She was ready to leave you for him
People don't just send naked video clips without there first
a) Having a sexual connection
b) Talking to each other long enough to feel that comfortable enough to send a naked video.
c) Her going out with work colleagues she probably had sex with him.

It's more likely she's still with him. So you first VAR the car, put software on her phone, and put a keylogger on the computer.

You can still tell the wife without having to worry about her work, the only people that will know are you, your wife, OM and his wife, so don't worry about that. But she's been caught and now she's fighting to save face and bury the truth. Take control if you want a chance to truly save your marriage.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Sounds like she got caught and is saying whatever she thinks will save her. Maybe the counseling can bring out the whole story. Be cautious and don't just accept what she says at face value


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How far back do your cell phone records go, and do they show the details of calls and texts?

C


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

She was lying to you then (7months ago)

She's lying to you now

She's a liar.

She will say anything (he's a jerk, it's over, she loves you, she's sorry) so that you won't break them up by exposing to his wife or at work.

She will do anything (go to mc, maybe even have sex with you) so that you won't expose to his wife and at their work.

They've had almost a year, if not longer, of sex. He must have had a good laugh the day she forced you out of your own bed so he could use it whenever he wanted some.

You were played then, you are being played to this very day.


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## septo (Mar 27, 2013)

so i did audio the car and cought her talking to him on her phone . she was telling him the whole story of what had happened between her and i . She told him how i broke down and that i was basicaly telling her she was a ***** for 3 days (the words did come out of my mouth). i confronted her about this conversation she had and that even after telling me she was going to end things with him she goes and violates my trust once again by discussing our personal life and how i reacted and did . it sounded like she wanted him to feel sorry for her . she said she wanted to see if he would feel sorry for her and all he thought about himself and his marriage (i could not hear his side of the conversation). 

i really dont want to destroy her becouse i still love her . im going to have a talk with her tonight and decide if im going to tell the guys wife i think she needs to know. i told her last night that i forgave her for what she did but will need alot of time to come to terms with it, she told him that they no longer can be friends and has stopped any contact with him at work through an email but when i asked her to see the email she said she sent it through her office email and couldnt show me (as i type this im feeling like im a fool to belive that).

i know most of you have told me to let the guys wife know but i am not sure i want to do that if there is still a chance to save this marrige through counceling. but if i dont let it out i dont really know if she is just strining me along as away to save face and the other guy.

if i have this conversation with her tonight what should i say to try and find out the truth


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to let the guy's wife know if you want any chance of saving this marriage. Bring the affair to the light of day that will end it. Do not tell your wife just do it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

septo
I guess you haven't read many threads here? 

If you want to drop her and let her go (IMO this is the thing to do - but you don't want that) then the only harm in not exposing him to his wife is to her and her family (pretty sh!tty thing for you to do btw)

BUT
If you want to save this (sham of a) marriage then you must expose. That increases the chances of breaking it off with the OM. Once the OM's wife knows and confronts him, he will kick your wife to the curb in an effort to save his own marriage. He doesn't want to pay spousal and child support. He will blame your wife. 

Once you expose you need to have your wife write a NC letter to the OM. See the newbie thread for a sample. 

IMO your wife will *settle* for you - for the time being - even if the OM is out of the picture, but the outlook for a long-term marriage with this woman is shaky. 

She TOLD him how you cried and became emotional. Another little gem for the OM to chuckle about. 

Give him something to really chuckle about - expose to the wife immediately.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

You should expose at work too - or make her quit. The affair will continue at work if they are together.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Read my story - link is in my sig. Your wife is lying and lying about the lies. I predict she will continue to lie.

Good luck - although you need a reality check, not luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Septo, 
I'm not trying to get under your skin dude, but you are doing EVERYTHING wrong. Everything!

Stop it. 

You told her you forgave her before even knowing if the affair was over (and no, her word means nothing - if her lips are moving she's lying). 

After you told her you forgave her - she still called him up. And I don't believe for a second the reason she gave you. She's still in the affair. Why would she care about a "jerk" if she had broken off with him? Does it make sense to you? Didn't think so. 

I'm more enraged at her than you are! This isn't a romantic movie. She won't "realize the depth of your love" by you being pathetic and letting her do her thing. This is real life where acting pathetic means you're pathetic!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Good luck with that! See you in 40 pages


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

septo said:


> so i did audio the car and cought her talking to him on her phone . she was telling him the whole story of what had happened between her and i . She told him how i broke down and that i was basicaly telling her she was a ***** for 3 days (the words did come out of my mouth). i confronted her about this conversation she had and that even after telling me she was going to end things with him she goes and violates my trust once again by discussing our personal life and how i reacted and did . it sounded like she wanted him to feel sorry for her . she said she wanted to see if he would feel sorry for her and all he thought about himself and his marriage (i could not hear his side of the conversation).


So, now she knows you can hear her conversations in the car. You keep tipping your hand, letting her know how you find things out, she'll find other ways to communicate without you knowing...and even if you find out her new method of communication, she'll convince you of whatever you want because you believe everything she tells you.

Give your head a shake, wake up, and man the F up. She's playing you for a fool, and you are acting like one.



septo said:


> i really dont want to destroy her becouse i still love her . im going to have a talk with her tonight and decide if im going to tell the guys wife i think she needs to know.


Why would you keep running this by her? Why do need her permission? She didn't get your permission to bang this dude, and I'm sure his wife didn't give him permission to bang your wife.

If you can't see that she is only trying to protect him, you are in some thick fog. She's thinking about herself and the OM...your feelings are not a part of the equation here, so do not concern yourself with what she thinks.

Send his wife the nude pic her sent your wife...send her the audio file you recorded.



septo said:


> i told her last night that i forgave her for what she did but will need alot of time to come to terms with it,...


You gave forgiveness and she didn't have to do anything to earn it. 



septo said:


> ... she told him that they no longer can be friends and has stopped any contact with him at work through an email but when i asked her to see the email she said she sent it through her office email and couldnt show me (as i type this im feeling like im a fool to belive that).


Yes, you are correct...if you believe that you are a fool



septo said:


> i know most of you have told me to let the guys wife know but i am not sure i want to do that if there is still a chance to save this marrige through counceling. but if i dont let it out i dont really know if she is just strining me along as away to save face and the other guy.
> 
> if i have this conversation with her tonight what should i say to try and find out the truth


So if you tell his wife, there is no chance to save your marriage? Dude, what does that tell you? Obviously she is stringing you along and protecting her lover. She is threatening you....she doesn't care about you.

You need to wake up and shake up...shock and awe!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Good luck with that! See you in 40 pages


Ive been on this forum a few months and see the patterns, and how we all make the same mistakes. 

OP: Learn from us. Grow a set, do it now. Fake it until you find them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Okay Septo
Don't tell her what you know or how you know ever again. 

Tonight:
Tell her you want her passwords for all communication devices

She is not to delete any text messages until you've seen them

She is to write down the details of the affair - warn her that it must be the truth - all of it; no omissions. 
A) When it started 
B) All instances of meetups for sex (how, where, how long)
C) all meetups for anything else
D) what she bought him/him-her
E) What he said about his wife 
F) what was said about you
G) Who else knew or supported the affair - who took care of the kids while she was out
H) How often he was in your home and in your bed

Tell her to write it in narrative in ink in a spiral notebook and to include dates as best as she remembers. The reason for this is so the truth doesn't trickle out. Tell her if she lies or omits anything the marriage will be over. Tell her you will ask her to take a polygraph after a few days when you've read the narrative and asked questions. 

For tonight - don't say anything else. Tell her it's a dealbreaker if you don't know what she did. She made vows she couldn't keep most of them - her last chance is to come clean. 

Septo, you can't forgive what you don't know. 

She has to find another job. 

After she gives you the narrative or while she's working on it (give her a couple of days) contact the wife of the OM she deserves to know what kind of man she married. You already know what kind of woman you married. 

If she doesn't want to do this ask HER to leave - the kids stay.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She called him because she thought she was more to him than a piece of tail.

If you wo not wise up and start listenting here your family is going to be a thing of the past.

People that want to stop an affair CAN NOT wrok together. Everytime they see each other it starts all over. 

Tell his wife, in person if you can.

You are believing thay havent had sex. Why do you tink she wanted you to move out? Duh!

Good work on the var, but you should not have let her know how you found out.

Get her phonetext records and see what is going on there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It will be weeks before any forgiveness talks can start.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Grab a beer, sit your azz down and come up with a list. A list of what she should do for you, what she should do for *you* if she sends a naked video to a she-says-is-a-jerk.

Caught waywards' reactions never cease to amaze me, just like cantthinkstraight's "don't worry, it's over now." Yours said he's a jerk? Oh, no worries then, since he's a jerk. A different kind of lunacy with an additional seasoning of lost mindedness. A sobering experience as to her mindset, if you will.

Plot your course and read the advices given here carefully.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sigh, I think we all have tried to sit down with our spouse and have an adult heart to heart conversation. I did many times thinking its "us" we've been through so much we know eachother. And the conversation seemed honest with me apologizing for doubting him or me justifying him. Still after a whole year of crying and pleating to hear the truth, I did not get it. You need to find evidence and do not tell her anything on how you got it. I made your mistakes! I had to dig to find out more things but, at this point I will never ever know the whole truth bc I confronted too soon, believe him and even helped him fabricate his stories. I told him all my sources. Yup shot my self in the foot thinking we were the exeption to the rule.

Please listen to the wise people here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> Grab a beer, sit your azz down and come up with a list. A list of what she should do for you, what she should do for *you* if she sends a naked video to a she-says-is-a-jerk.
> 
> Caught waywards' reactions never cease to amaze me, just like cantthinkstraight's "don't worry, it's over now." Yours said he's a jerk? Oh, no worries then, since he's a jerk. A different kind of lunacy with an additional seasoning of lost mindedness. A sobering experience as to her mindset, if you will.
> 
> Plot your course and read the advices given here carefully.


Yea I heard "she's a lesbian" so many times, jerk is also a popular one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

To answer your question if you can trust again. Maybe you can trust again. But you can never trust her again.


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## septo (Mar 27, 2013)

alright i have taken some of the advice given to me and since i tiped my hand to early and didn't get the whole story the first time from her and didn't have any evidence , I bluffed and told her that i had gotten into the guys gmail account and i new everything ,she asked me what i knew , i just looked at her and said i needed to hear the truth come out of her mouth just once . She crubbled and told me everything ,that they have had sex in the office once and have done other things in his car , I held strong even though i wanted to throw up , i asked for her to tell me what she had done with him (the whole story) all in all its not somthing im going to repeat ever . she said she was sorry and had cut off contact with him the first time i asked her too and she knew she had done somthing terrable, still i held strong and told her his wife diserved to know i told her that my love for her was gone now (i lied) and all that was left was the lawyers and i wanted custody of the kids (she is a good mother though )i would settle for shared custody , after about 3 hours of getting everything out in the open i asked her what she wants, she said she wants to go to counceling and try again and that she knows his wife needs to know , i told her she must tell her im not going to be resposible for hurting anyone except him. 

i also called him, the cowerd didnt answer his phone. i left a message telling him to stay away from my wife and if i find out he has had any contact with her again it will cost him, i also suggested he look for another job (once he leaves im going to tell his wife if mine dosen't)

even though it hurt finally confirming the truth i feel better . im sorry i didn't have the strength to do what you guys had advised me to do fully but now i guess ill have to find out the hard way but really after 15 years with this woman i owe it to myself to play this out to the end and see if this family can be saved


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've got news for you. Sorry, but if she still works with him then there's about a 99% chance that she's still spreading her legs for him. Guaranteed. She just brought it underground. And if you rely on her to tell the wife, then you're just guaranteeing that she won't be told. Of course she'll tell you she told her, but that will be another lie.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

septo, many on here have had the same speech (I had several versions over a few months). I don't recall ever reading of a time that the betraying spouse was telling anything like the full truth.

I am sorry, but I think you have only just looked into the rabbit hole and you do not appreciate just how deep and twisted it goes.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've got news for you. Sorry, but if she still works with him then there's about a 99% chance that she's still spreading her legs for him. Guaranteed. She just brought it underground. And if you rely on her to tell the wife, then you're just guaranteeing that she won't be told. Of course she'll tell you she told her, but that will be another lie.


:iagree: with this^^^

You did much better and you CAN save your marriage. But your actions in these next few days will determine that.

Yes you've known this woman for a very long time. Guess what? She changed! People make changes in their lives. She did.

I was an alter boy for several years. Guess what? I changed! I'll never be one again.

It looks like you pulled a good bluff. Can you do it again?

Tell her you're going to schedule a poly before you agree to counseling. Tell her if the poly says she's lying you want her out without the kids.

You need to drive her over to the OMs house to see the wife face to face. Be the leader in your family. Your wife might get mad but you WILL get her respect.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

I agree with WOM. You and wife need to speak to OM's wife in person. Dont let your W minimize and protect OM. Then after that, go straight to his work and do the same. For this, do in person AND in writing. Also mail a copy of the complaint to the division head, the COO and the CEO.


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