# Never thought this would be me



## GrimRanger (Jan 21, 2017)

One week ago I found out my wife cheated on me. We have been together for almost 14 years. I could tell something was off because a week prior she told me she was going to dinner with a Friend. We are normally pretty open so it struck me as odd. When she came home she told me who and it was no big deal. Come to find out this is when the major emotional betrayal started. then one night I came by her work to pick the keys up to our second car she had gotten back from service and I went to do some work. Well that night they had sex at her work. The next night we had sex, and the following I could just tell something did not feel right. We laid down in bed and she fell asleep in my arms. I decided not to pursue trying to have sex and just let her sleep. I noticed her phone was flashing like crazy and though she probably did not plug it in. So I went over and plugged it but something came over me and I decided to look at it. There was a message saying that he had just gotten to his hunting lodge and he wished she were with him. Then skimmed all of the messages and confirmed that they had sex. There were messages of love I dont remember from who and the things they talked about in the car.

I then woke her up and told her I knew then had to leave for awhile and returned. When I did she truthfully told me most of what happened and what I asked. I was mad at first, in shock. I knew immediately that I did not want to throw away 14 years but she was not sure if she wanted to work things out. I wrote her a letter explaining myself and when she came home we talked and she said she wanted to work things out. that night I wrote another letter and there were a couple demands that were delivered wrong and should have been discussed not written. My demands were that she come home for lunch and request to get off at 6 instead of closing, I know not that I did not ask correctly and that night her talks of wanting to work this out became "I don't know". After more talking It became clear to me a lot and i mean A LOT of short comings I have had where I did not do things right in our relationship. As I realized them I discussed them with her but she just seemed to not react. The next day I upset her and she decided to not come home right away. This was one week after she had sex with the other guy. So i was in freak out mode and she finally cam home 2 hours late. she said she was driving around and talking to her sister. I think I believe her on this as I had already calmed down hen I saw her. She she and I went to the bedroom to talk about the topic I upset her over and we discussed things a little more. She then told me that she "does not think she wants to work things out." I acceped this at first as Limbo was killing me but she finally broke down the way you need to during this.We discussed how we would split up our major assets like the cars and dogs. I then asked her if she has cried like this before this point and she said no. I also asked if she had told her mom who has been married for 35+ years. she also said no. I then told her that for now We can call this over but I would like to wait to do anything rash until she had time to think through things and talk to her mom. I now find myself in Limbo again and having a hard time dealing with it. We are supposed to talk again on Monday but I have no idea what way this will swing. I have forgiven her and have learned alot of things about myself. I have for the first time in my life and accepted Jesus into my life and when I did the the feeling I got was surreal. Her parents are very spiritual and she is spending this time with them but still working. I keep figuring things out about myself and to be honest this goes back along time to where on another financial type trust issue i never truly forgave her in my heart. This lead to other issues and also I have some bad habbits all of which I want to change to better myself.

I guess I am here looking to see if this story rings true to anyone else. Also to see if there is any advice. I am in Limbo again but last night was the first time I slept decently and I kept dreaming of how serious her face was when she said she didnt want to work it out. I made a list today though of things I feel she did wrong that have hurt me through the years. The list is more for me so that I do not beat myself up as this being my fault. I also keep telling her that I feel this needed to happen, god let it, for me to change the way I need to and her concerns are that she has asked for some of these changes in the past and has not gotten them.

Thank you for any help or advice


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You do know she is still having an affair with the other man, right?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

GrimRanger

Sorry you're here.

You need to gather up all the evidence you have on the OM and then expose what he did to the world. Get his work contacts, linkedin, personnel dept., facebook, wife/so, family etc. Write up an exposure letter and send it all at once without threats or warnings. This iwll knock the OM out of commission, he will then throw your WW under the bus to save himself and the emotional spell he has on your WW will be broken.

Tamat


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

She cheats on you with another man and yet your conversations and letters are full of you saying that you are sorry for not being the perfect husband. Instead of anger about her betrayal of you, you are begging her to give you another chance. You are doing the pick me dance for a wife that is still in the middle of an affair. You are sorry for making her angry if you do not talk about the affair the way that she wants you to. You have given her complete and total control. Now that she knows that there will be no consequences to her cheating, she has no reason to stop until she wants to. Acting so weak in not attractive to her and has only pushed her closer to her affair partner (AP). She now has no respect for you, and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop doing the infamous "pick me dance" it makes you look weak and unattractive. Cut out the letters pouring your heart out. It does the same thing.

No marriage is perfect and she isn't either. Did you go out and cheat on her?

You need to wake up


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It always saddens me to see where the BS blames everything on themselves, you need to know it is not your fault she cheated on you this is all on her.

IMO she is still messing around with this guy, this is why she does not want to stay married. She is in the affair fog right now and it is tough to bring a spouse out of it.

It is hard to know what to do when you never been in this situation before.

The first things you should of asked for is the full truth, full transparency, and for her to quit her job. DO not vie to be her plan B she will only use you as much as she can.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Affairs only thrive in the secret and dark. If he's married inform his wife. No warning. 

If you live in fear at this time it will get you nothing.

You'd better get thong quick and stay there.

Copy all the messages and put them in a safe place


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Do you see it as a reasonable choice for her to sleep with other men in response to you being a less than perfect husband?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Dude.

Enough with the "I was a bad husband"

YOU DIDN'T CHEAT. SHE DID!

1) Doctor. Now. Right now. Waste no more time Get a STD check - get a full battery test. She in no way, shape or form used protection - then she slept with you to give you all the other guy's love

2) Lawyer. You need to know your rights. Start Divorce proceedings

3) Start the 180 - HARD

4) Water, drink plenty of it

5) Food - eat plenty of it

6) Sleep - get as much as you can no matter how bad it's going

7) The person you thought was your wife is gone. No - never existed. That person was a lie

8) You wife is a cheater - you have to come to this realization

9) HER AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT NOR DID IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. HER AFFAIR IS ALL HER CHOICE!!

10) Opena new bank account where she has no access to and start depositing into that account (talk with lawyer)

11) Joint credit cards- need to be canceled (talk with lawyer)

12) IC for you is a good idea. Find a therapist that has dealt with infidelity

13) Reveal - far and wide. infidelity loves a secret- when shown the light of truth, it burns the unfaithful. t also puts you in control. Make sure to find out his wife or girlfriend and let them know that he has been sleeping with your wife. They deserve to know that they are with a dirt bag and need to protect themselves.

14) Man up and stop doing the pick me dance - she has already picked the other guy.

15) Finally - I don't know who posted this originally, but it is pure genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In tacit agreement with the others who think that your kissing up to a cheater will get you absolutely nowhere!

Time to execute "the 180!" After all, you are no longer a blip on the radar to her! 

Why then, after all that she's done to you, should she be anything other than a lying, cheating skank to you?*


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Tell her mother.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sneg post had a lot of great points but this should be the very first thought always. 


ISSUES ARE ISSUES ADULTERY IS ADULTERY THEY ARE TWO SEPRATE THINGS! 

Your faith should lead you to grasp issues are like the temptation to sin. Adultery is embracing sin. 

Paul: if your eye offends you poke it out.... Adultery is offensive and has no place in your life. 

Reject the sin embrace the sinner, AFTER the sinner has rejected the sin!! Remember the full concept or redemption?? What does it include. 

Anything less is a betrayal of your faith it is the acceptance of corruption into your life and thus embracing and promoting it. 

The question is how to reject the sin while allowing and helping the sinner gain redemption. 

Do not allow your faith to excuse failing to reject the sin. 

These are two important steps to take. Read and fellow the 180 Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums. And the need to share with her parents and others Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Did wrote about first she wanted to reconcile and then she didn't. Why, because he talked with her. She has to put him out of her life. 
No contact ever. 

So on your own find a lawyer and plan a divorce and complete the paperwork. Expose, sin thrives only in the dark, and continue the 180 as long as the adultery continues. If no change quickly and the paperwork is complete file. Do not ever threaten divorce or reveal you have spoken to a lawyer. Remember the 180 ! Turn down attempts to speak politely but firmly. 

Remember forgiveness is not acceptance ! It often means just letting go, walking away, and let the sinner work it out with God.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Second point to remember:

Adultery defines HER only. She is the one when faced with problems sought answers in adultery. 

Your reactions defines YOU. So do not do the pick me dance. Do not cuddle her, but do not stone her. Exposure is not stoning it is sharing truth, keep it that way. 

The first goal is to end the adultery either though repentance and reconciliation or divorce. Do not accept limbo. 

Finally do not allow discussion of issues before the adultery ends. Period no exception. She will use them respond: agree the exist for both of us and must be resolved while attempting reconciliation but they cannot be discussed until the adultery is ended and NC established. I acknowledge them, agree they need to be fixed but the adultery ends first. Then back to the 180. 

Your exposure to her parents and pastor should echo these points.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hmmmmm seems off


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This one isn't going to listen no matter what's said here. I see that already.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry you bare here, but glad you found us. 

Get tested for STDs ASAP.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sorry you are here. I'm 13months past my D-Day... (You D-Day is a week ago) 

Listen to these guys (and gals) here. Because you are like someone who doesn't know how to swim, that has been tossed into a tank with a couple of sharks.

Don't interact with your wife, talk, ask questions here, etc.. come up with a plan of action.

More people here will tell you to leave than reconcile (AKA "R"). 
Fact is, when women cheat - they are less likely to R. Depending how long IT really has been going on- your marriage is more likely over than not.
So its a matter if you want to try and save it or not... you'd have to be willing to divorce to save it.

Either way, tell her mother now.
Other than NC, don't make any demands on her.
Do NOT beg her to stay.
Do NOT trust what she is saying to you... it sucks, but true.
Get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. (At least YOU read it, hopefully she will too).

But overall, do you still want to save your dying marriage?
If so... it will get ugly, and she'll fight to keep the affair... And you have to be CALM about things.

There is lots to do, either way. But advice will be given depending on your goals. Oh, buy a VAR by SONY (Voice Activated Recorder) - you will hide this and use it when you are talking with your wife. This will help you know her story straight... as the real time situation maybe distorted. Buy the VAR today.
Cannot stress how much you should do this.

No more letters of demands or rules.
see if she's willing to go to a marriage counseling. "MC". If so, locate a good one, hopefully, one who specializes or has experience with infidelity.
There are no guarantees.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Read and skimmed again. No mention of kids unless I missed it. Any kids? 

If no kids why put up with that at all? It's the ultimate disrespect. Dump her and be done with her. You will be sleeping like a baby in no time.

(Even with kids still pretty sh!tty but I get putting yourself thru limbo for the kids sake. But there has to be a line there too)


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Listed below are some things that I think are absolutely necessary for your marriage to recover:

Forgiveness by both, consequences without hatred, self-respect, building yourself up, gaining in self-sufficiency, and diligently working the marriage builder steps of a competent counselor.

The above must be real and done for a very long time, like for the rest of your marriage. *Failure to follow the list above will result in a compromised and damaging marriage or divorce, IMO
*


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GrimRanger said:


> One week ago I found out my wife cheated on me. We have been together for almost 14 years. I could tell something was off because a week prior she told me she was going to dinner with a Friend. We are normally pretty open so it struck me as odd. When she came home she told me who and it was no big deal. Come to find out this is when the major emotional betrayal started. then one night I came by her work to pick the keys up to our second car she had gotten back from service and I went to do some work. Well that night they had sex at her work. The next night we had sex, and the following I could just tell something did not feel right. We laid down in bed and she fell asleep in my arms. I decided not to pursue trying to have sex and just let her sleep. I noticed her phone was flashing like crazy and though she probably did not plug it in. So I went over and plugged it but something came over me and I decided to look at it. There was a message saying that he had just gotten to his hunting lodge and he wished she were with him. Then skimmed all of the messages and confirmed that they had sex. There were messages of love I dont remember from who and the things they talked about in the car.
> 
> I then woke her up and told her I knew then had to leave for awhile and returned. When I did she truthfully told me most of what happened and what I asked. I was mad at first, in shock. I knew immediately that I did not want to throw away 14 years but she was not sure if she wanted to work things out. I wrote her a letter explaining myself and when she came home we talked and she said she wanted to work things out. that night I wrote another letter and there were a couple demands that were delivered wrong and should have been discussed not written. My demands were that she come home for lunch and request to get off at 6 instead of closing, I know not that I did not ask correctly and that night her talks of wanting to work this out became "I don't know". After more talking It became clear to me a lot and i mean A LOT of short comings I have had where I did not do things right in our relationship. As I realized them I discussed them with her but she just seemed to not react. The next day I upset her and she decided to not come home right away. This was one week after she had sex with the other guy. So i was in freak out mode and she finally cam home 2 hours late. she said she was driving around and talking to her sister. I think I believe her on this as I had already calmed down hen I saw her. She she and I went to the bedroom to talk about the topic I upset her over and we discussed things a little more. She then told me that she "does not think she wants to work things out." I acceped this at first as Limbo was killing me but she finally broke down the way you need to during this.We discussed how we would split up our major assets like the cars and dogs. I then asked her if she has cried like this before this point and she said no. I also asked if she had told her mom who has been married for 35+ years. she also said no. I then told her that for now We can call this over but I would like to wait to do anything rash until she had time to think through things and talk to her mom. I now find myself in Limbo again and having a hard time dealing with it. We are supposed to talk again on Monday but I have no idea what way this will swing. I have forgiven her and have learned alot of things about myself. I have for the first time in my life and accepted Jesus into my life and when I did the the feeling I got was surreal. Her parents are very spiritual and she is spending this time with them but still working. I keep figuring things out about myself and to be honest this goes back along time to where on another financial type trust issue i never truly forgave her in my heart. This lead to other issues and also I have some bad habbits all of which I want to change to better myself.
> 
> ...



I gave up reading 3/4 way through, you are acting desperate, you are giving her all the power, she knows you will be there regardless. Stop behaving like a wuss and go scorched earth on her right now, she is in a fog and needs to be kicked out of it.

1.Tell her mom, your family, her family, all friends, etc. anyone who will listen.
2.Find out if the OM has a wife or girlfriend and tell them too.
3. do the 180 on her immediately
4. tell her to move out if she wants to be with the OM, you will not be having her living with you
5. Get a lawyer, see what your options are
6. start focusing on yourself, go to the gym, meet up with your friends, join a club, etc

7. do you have kids? - seems like only dogs?
8. No freaking out, losing control, begging, pleading, be a man and show her no emotion, show her you are prepared to move on and she will lose you, be self controlled.

It is great you have accepted Jesus into your life, and He can direct your life but he never asked you to be a doormat and that is where you are heading if you handle this wrong. The best kind of love for someone in sin, is tough love. You will be doing her a favour if you follow through on the above.

If you do want her back (she might do this again) she will have to show remorse and bend over backwards in making things right, right now she doesn't give a **** about your pain


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I cannot add much to the advice already given but I will reiterate what has been said regarding exposure. A significant part of most affairs is the clandestine nature of the whole process. It is in itself exhilarating to many WS's to "have something" over on their spouse. It gives them a perceived sense of power that helps to balance the disparity they feel in their mind. Exposing nullifies that and it also brings the scorn and condemnation of family and friends and forces the WS to face their bad behavior.

I must also agree with not doing the "pick me" dance. It must simply be a question, him or me. If the answer is anything but a heartfelt "me" then you are wasting your time anyway because sadly you are not the final say so on throwing away 14 years together, she is. You can offer to change and accept your part in the relationship issues but until the infidelity is completely addressed no other issues can be resolved.

So, as another poster has said, If she is hesitant to feel remorse and to R then wish her a happy life with the OM and begin working diligently on yourself so as to be able to offer more to your next partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Quit writing letters, kick her to the curb, expose her to everyone, find out about OM and expose him to his wife or girlfriend if he has one.

You may well have issues, we all do, but your wife is a lying slvt that just killed your marriage.

So is OM a coworker?

Do you have kids? Ages?


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

snerg said:


> Dude.
> 
> Enough with the "I was a bad husband"
> 
> ...




Please listen to this!!! 

I know it's hard right now, but you can do it! 

You are letting her be in charge! Stop it! SHE IS IN THE WRONG, NOT YOU! Leave her now! You decide, don't let her decide! 

You said you asked Jesus into your life. Pray, read the Bible, find a good church. A church of your own, not one that her family goes to. Get away from her. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You were a bad husband.

OK. You have acknowledged your faults.

She had cheated on you.

She must acknowledge her faults.

If she cannot and will not do this then there are limited options as to the way forward.

Counselling if she had stopped cheating and separation and divorce if she cannot.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

First: You did not make her cheat. Cheating shows a lack of character that makes her a less than safe partner.
Second: Detach-do the 180, let her know in no uncertain terms that she has to EARN you back
Third: Expose expose expose. He works with her? Everyone in the office knows what they are up to. HR gets informed, his spouse or SO gets informed: Nothing sticks a fork in an affair faster than exposure. Make his world so uncomfortable that he dumps her. 
Fourth: IC, but not before you do the previous three
Fifth: Draw up the divorce papers. Show her that there are consequences.
MAJOR OVERALL---Grow balls and do what is necessary to get yourself out of infidelity. She may opt for the OM, but you will have gotten yourself back from the worst betrayal of all time. Don't think that she did not betray you and now she has to fix this or leave.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

OK - your going through something traumatic so your not thinking right. 



GrimRanger said:


> One week ago I found out my wife cheated on me. We have been together for almost 14 years. I could tell something was off because a week prior she told me she was going to dinner with a Friend. We are normally pretty open so it struck me as odd. When she came home she told me who and it was no big deal. Come to find out this is when the major emotional betrayal started. then one night I came by her work to pick the keys up to our second car she had gotten back from service and I went to do some work. Well that night they had sex at her work.
> 
> The next night we had sex, and the following I could just tell something did not feel right. We laid down in bed and she fell asleep in my arms. I decided not to pursue trying to have sex and just let her sleep. I noticed her phone was flashing like crazy and though she probably did not plug it in. So I went over and plugged it but something came over me and I decided to look at it. There was a message saying that he had just gotten to his hunting lodge and he wished she were with him. Then skimmed all of the messages and confirmed that they had sex. There were messages of love I dont remember from who and the things they talked about in the car.


First - Disgusting - Think about that. She banged OM then gave you sloppy seconds. Who does that?? I dont know but i do know a loving wife who is into the marriage doesn't. This should PI$$ you off to no end man. 

Your gut was telling you something and it was 10000% correct. Use that and listen to the small voice inside its rarely wrong.





> I then woke her up and told her I knew then had to leave for awhile and returned. When I did she truthfully told me most of what happened and what I asked. I was mad at first, in shock. I knew immediately that I did not want to throw away 14 years but she was not sure if she wanted to work things out.


It takes 2 and your not throwing away 14 years. She already tossed that aside without a single thought of you! This should PI$$ you off!



> I wrote her a letter explaining myself and when she came home we talked and she said she wanted to work things out. that night I wrote another letter and there were a couple demands that were delivered wrong and should have been discussed not written. My demands were that she come home for lunch and request to get off at 6 instead of closing, I know not that I did not ask correctly and that night her talks of wanting to work this out became "I don't know".


Like others said stop the letters. And NO nothing was delivered wrong. Any demand you have she SHOULD be willing to do without thought. If shes not then shes just not into you.

I dont know actually means she doesnt know if she wants to be with YOU. She wants to keep you on the hook incase her new BF doesnt work out. If anything know this. This is 100000% the case. She is a classic cheater and going by the predictable script. 




> After more talking It became clear to me a lot and i mean A LOT of short comings


stop talking and start doing. Talk is cheap.



> I have had where I did not do things right in our relationship. As I realized them I discussed them with her but she just seemed to not react. The next day I upset her and she decided to not come home right away. This was one week after she had sex with the other guy. So i was in freak out mode and she finally cam home 2 hours late. she said she was driving around and talking to her sister. I think I believe her on this as I had already calmed down hen I saw her.


Her AP was her sister? YUCK. Look, shes with her AP. She was talking to her AP. Ill make you a bet. Go look at your cell phone bill call log. Did she call her sister for 2 hours NFW. You freaked out because your gut told you it was off and something stinky happened. Just be thankful she didnt come home and give you more sloppy seconds!




> She she and I went to the bedroom to talk about the topic I upset her over and we discussed things a little more. She then told me that she "does not think she wants to work things out." I acceped this at first as Limbo was killing me but she finally broke down the way you need to during this.We discussed how we would split up our major assets like the cars and dogs. I then asked her if she has cried like this before this point and she said no. I also asked if she had told her mom who has been married for 35+ years. she also said no. I


Whats actually upsetting her is that she was caught - She mad at your for catching her. Nothing more and nothing less. Its really that simple. You ruined her happy little world. 



> then told her that for now We can call this over but I would like to wait to do anything rash until she had time to think through things and talk to her mom. I now find myself in Limbo again and having a hard time dealing with it. We are supposed to talk again on Monday but I have no idea what way this will swing.


What you are saying is that you are not in a place to act right now and are asking her to let you ride it out longer because maybe she will come back to you. I can answer this. She wont. Shes gone and waiting to act will not make anything easier. You need, i repeat NEED, to act strongly and swiftly. The only silver lining here is that the path to either R or D is kind of the same. The only thing you can control is YOU. YOU need to be strong and act.





> I have forgiven her and have learned alot of things about myself. I have for the first time in my life and accepted Jesus into my life and when I did the the feeling I got was surreal. Her parents are very spiritual and she is spending this time with them but still working. I keep figuring things out about myself and to be honest this goes back along time to where on another financial type trust issue i never truly forgave her in my heart. This lead to other issues and also I have some bad habbits all of which I want to change to better myself.


Forgave her? WHAT? 1 week.. thats gotta be a record. This is an unhealthy, IMO, coping mechanism that you need to go to IC to figure out. You are blaming yourself for her actions. You do not control her actions - she is an adult who makes her own choices. She choose to do this. No one is perfect but the debt paid to being imperfect is NOT infidelity and betrayal. Its open and honest communication. 



> I guess I am here looking to see if this story rings true to anyone else.


It is nice to know you are not alone. Alot of us have been there. Ive been exactly where you are. It sucks but you are not alone. Listen to the advice here. Even harder listen the the brutal TRUTH that people will tell you. Most will be something you dont want to hear but need to her. 



> Also to see if there is any advice. I am in Limbo again but last night was the first time I slept decently and I kept dreaming of how serious her face was when she said she didnt want to work it out. I made a list today though of things I feel she did wrong that have hurt me through the years. The list is more for me so that I do not beat myself up as this being my fault. I also keep telling her that I feel *this needed to happen, god let it, for me to change the way I need *to and her concerns are that she has asked for some of these changes in the past and has not gotten them.


Good - keep that list handy and read it every single day. I hope the top 100 items is CHEATING, dishonestly, and no respect (repeated over and over).

In Bold - NO, NO, NO - It didnt NEED to happen. Man you really have to pull your head out of the sand for your own sanity and future. If you were that bad then what needed to happen was more communication - and if that didnt work then she needed to leave you. Not act like everything is good and bang other men. 

Dude you should be PI$$ED not self loathing. I completely relate to the self loathing in this situation. Its the easier path to take. Been there done that and have the scars to prove it. You are at a crossroads at this very minute. The easy path is self loathing, blame yourself and rug sweep. The more difficult road is growing a pair of [email protected], finding a shred of self worth and doing something about it.

Shes already told you she doesn't want to work it out but your not listening. She should be afraid YOU dont do something rash. Well, doing something rash is exactly what you need to do.

Shes not remorseful at all, gets mad at your demands, and tells you she doesnt know. All answers from someone completly checked out. Talk to a lawyer and DO NOT HAVE SEX. no mention of kids - GREAT - Dont get trapped by one.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GrimRanger said:


> I guess I am here looking to see if this story rings true to anyone else.


It seems to ring true for most except the self proclaimed troll hunters who havecompelling need to post their doubts on the public forum (against the rules by the way) or alert a moderator rather than simply not posting on the thread which serves no productive purpose. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> Hmmmmm seems off


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

browser said:


> It seems to ring true for most except the self proclaimed troll hunters who havecompelling need to post their doubts on the public forum (against the rules by the way) or alert a moderator rather than simply not posting on the thread which serves no productive purpose.




As spoken by the self proclaimed thought police, making posts that serve no purpose.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Wake up.

She cheated, not you.

File for D. expose to her mom and expose the POSOM to his family.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just another one and done post. OP has left the building and hasn't been back since he originally posted. Last activity was shortly after posting. There are many who post once, never to be heard from again. We'll see.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> As spoken by the self proclaimed thought police, making posts that serve no purpose.


My post just may discourage others from posting their suspicions on a new poster's thread, which accomplishes nothing other than running off honest posters and feeding the ones who are on school break looking for some free entertainment at the expense of others.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GrimRanger said:


> I knew immediately that I did not want to throw away 14 years but she was not sure if she wanted to work things out.


It's hard for a newly betrayed spouse to think clearly. We see it all the time. Your emotions play havoc with your sound judgement.

That being said, just about everything you did from that first time she told you "she wasn't sure if she wanted to work it out" - was a mistake. Whether you wanted to R or not.

When a wife cheats and gets caught, she should feel fortunate that her husband would even consider R. Most wouldn't. If she is lucky enough to receive that gift of "consideration" from you, then she damn well better be willing to demonstrate snot bubble blowing remorse and accept all consequences. If not (and her statement confirms just that), it's a simple decision. You start the divorces process, implement the 180, and don't look back. If she turns around before the divorce is final, then you can re-evaluate - if you still want to. And then, after she's earned her second chance, you can both work on things to improve the marriage; but not before.

There's no negotiation. There's no acceptance of blame on your part. Anything less than that makes you look weak - and her respect for you is even further diminished; and with that, her attraction to you.

If you wind up divorcing anyway take this as a life lesson. If you want to consider R, I hope you heed this advice. It's hard earned.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> This one isn't going to listen no matter what's said here. I see that already.


Don't worry Jean Luc, just get Worf to beat the hell out of them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So by now you've been beaten over the head here about how weak you've been acting and how it's the absolute wrong thing to do. Which it is. 

I'll just say that (1) if she is of the position that she wants to leave you, your FIRST step needs to be exposing the affair to her parents, siblings, and best friend. The people whose respect she craves. Who, when she finds out they know, will hopefully give her a hard time and make her rethink. Running away from you should NOT be the easy way out. It should be hard. Stop making it easy. Notify them today. Tell them that she cheated, that you accept your role in any unhappiness but that you expect her to do the right thing and agree to give OM up and give the marriage AND the family (remember the kids?) a real chance through transparency and counseling. Tell them that if she will give OM up and commit to six months of therapy to get past the kneejerk reactions, and if she still wants to separate at that point, you'll respect her wishes and move on the divorce. But to just throw away the family unit because being around you is hard, is not good.

The other thing you need to do is see a lawyer, get the facts, and then come home and tell her what she will be ending up with, in the real world of divorce. That you will be getting the kids at LEAST half the time and she may even be paying you child support. That might slow her down a little. 

Then sit back and wait for the wave of anger at you exposing, and see what she does next.

Trust me, it's the only way to save a marriage when a woman cheats - a man's strength.


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## GrimRanger (Jan 21, 2017)

Ok some of yall are savage, some of yall are cool and I thank you for your advice. I tried to stick to my plan and still no verbal decision but the affair continued so that was all the decision I needed. We do not have kids so the dogs were somewhat easy. But she is living in a hotel with him from what I can tell so I get stuck with all of our responsibilities. I wont do half of the vindictive stuff yall talked about because I can get out of this with an uncontested divorce. Her parents know as I have talked to them. So now I am just trying to maintain radio silence. I am going to start packing her stuff in one of my trailers and so when she is ready she can take the suburban, her dogs, and trailer and be gone.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'd call his wife and offer to take her out for coffee to talk and not specifically to sleep with her. If both of you are interested, it'll come naturally.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

The savage responses come from a tough love type of place. No one wants to see you go through the added pain and are trying to make sure you see truth from an objective place. Most have been in your shoes.

If you read your second post compared to your first post you sound completely different and in a better place. Kudos my friend! 

Living in a hotel with him already? Wowzers. What are you going to do when that debacle fizzles out and she comes back? I hope you slam the door in her face! Have you already filed the D paperwork? Thank your stars you dont have kids!


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Trust me, most all advice is intended to help you. It is just that sometimes in order to help, the advice is going to hurt a bit. Going dark on her.....excellent idea. Packing her stuff.....even better. My xwife moved into the home of a mutual friend, I immediately began packing up her stuff. I bought boxes, started loading them and putting them on the porch. 6 pickup loads! I had her brother come over and get it. One of the best things I did. I know you love her, you want your old life back, (the life you thought you had, but didn't) Time is the answer friend, time. So sorry you are here.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@GrimRanger be careful with the OM's W. She could easily emotionally attach if you provide a shoulder and an ear for her.

Some (many) people are very afraid of being alone so will paint a very rosy picture in their mind about any rebound people they meet - I think the best thing might be to encourage her to focus on her independence.

Of course a big part of me feels as you do... just keep her fragile state in mind.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just wanted to say I am sorry she did this to you.
Try to reflect on those things you understand you were lacking as a husband, learn from your mistakes in that regard, and you will be even that much better of a mate in the future. I want to add as everyone else said, no matter what you did it isn't your fault she cheated. She should have divorced you first instead. 

I hope Mr. Hotel Boyfriend finds out she let you nail her the night after he did. That way he can feel as special as you. Glad you are done with her. What a H0ebag.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Huh? F his wife? What happened to your faith? 

Maintain the 180. (did you read it?). See the attorney and file. There is no reason to discuss it with her. Draft a proposed settlement with the filing and let her respond. 

Talk to his wife only to compare notes. 

Who is paying for the hotel? Have you separated all your finances, including new bank accounts for you? 
Who is this guy?


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