# Bet you've heard this all before...



## Funcool32 (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm sure you've heard similar stories to the one I'm about to tell. I've read a lot of posts on here, before deciding to write this one, and I can tell you many of us are in the same situations, or have been for that matter... with slight variations to our circumstances.

So I'm going through a rough patch with my wife. Most areas are great. She has always lacked affection though... except when we were dating. Before our son came along, sex was already a problem. It was once per week right at the beginning of our marriage. Now I'm lucky if it's once every couple of months. It's like she tricked me into marriage, and then changed completely into another person... I like to think I haven't changed from the person she dated.

I've tried a lot of the suggestions on here... some worked for a while, some don't work at all. I guess every woman is slightly different. It always reverts back to being "too tired, headache, stressed, busy, etc.... ". You've heard it all before!

I work 10 hour days, in a Management position. I make very good money. I hit the gym after work, 6 days per week. I'm fit, with an athletic physique... I look after myself.

Because I start work at 6.30am, I'm home from the gym by 6.30pm. I then play with our son to give her a break. I do half the housework. I'm the handyman of the house, plus I wash the cars, do the weeding, tidy the yard, etc. I rarely get angry, and I'm very tolerant of her mood swings. So you can see, I'm tired too. I'm just willing to put more effort into the relationship than she is. For her, it's all about her and my son. I feel like I don't exist sometimes. I only realise I exist when she wants things around the house done!

But I'm ready to explode... There are women at my gym who have taken notice and flirt with me. Women my age, who train at the gym and have high libido's. I suggested my wife join a gym to boost her energy and help with her well being, and she shot me down, making it out to be about her weight (mind you, she is a size 8 and not overweight at all). I told her this!

I tell her she is attractive all the time. Whenever she's feeling down, I offer to do her chores. She's always tired.... Always! It's not only about the sex. It's walking through the door after a hard day's work and wondering whether she's in a good mood or bad, and dreading the bad moods! When she's in a good mood, which is probably 60-70% of the time to be honest, she's an amazing person. I wish I could eradicate her bad side and only be with her good side. I'm sure she wishes the same for me... I'm not perfect.

How did I get here? This wasn't my plan in life. I feel trapped and don't know what to do. Do I suggest counseling? Do I give her an ultimatum? Do I just put up with it?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sounds like your dealing with a ton of issues. Has she been checked for post-partum?

Counseling is a good first step. 

Also you may have checked out other posts that mention the Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and another book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

Check em out!


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy are really good books. My DW are HD when I met her, we had sex everyday with 30% of it she initiated. But after married, it slow down to almost a stop at once a month. Reading those book does help me see why she is changing. So I suggest you read those books ASAP.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep put your foot down shes treating you this way because you let her. 

are you seriouse about improving things?

then show her you are. go to a divorce lawyer have papers drawn up then take her out to dinner and hand them to her and tell her if things don't shift you out of there.

this will only work if your serious and plan on doing it. if you wait too long too much resentment will have built up and it won't be salvagable.


or continue to let her sh*t on you and your desires and feeling its up to you.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

A lot of what you wrote was/is my situation. My wife had a higher drive whie we were dating, but she never was that 'crazy ****' in bed and that was one of many things that appealed to me about her. I didn't want to marry a woman that banged everyone and anyone. 

She also has a distant personality and never was affectionate. This annoyed me back then because it sent mixed signals, but I realized over time that it was merely the way she is. 

After our first child was born, she got back into sex somewhat and things were ok, but the second pregnancy and child changed her libido from medium/low to almost nothing. 

That was over a decade ago and many trying years later, she is coming around slowly but surely. 

What worked for us was me trying a few different things like buying new toys and 50 Shades book for her. I was kind of desperate so I even suggested some libido enhances for her. She started using a DHEA supplement and tried Yohimbe Bark, but te latter made her very uncomfortable, sick, jittery and she couldn't sleep on it. 

But the big thing was us sitting down and having a real conversation about our sex life - or lack thereof - without arguing. My stance was that she was the one who has changed in the 15+ years we have been married and we used to have a very good sex life. 

She admitted that she doesn't even think about sex much at all if ever and that is a problem that needs to be addressed. She also said that she would try harder at making this work and whatever parts of the equation kicking in (toys, book, supplements) caused it, she has been great of late and our sex life - and overall marriage - has improved tenfold. 

She has even gone back to exercising after a long layoff, so I know that she is doing whatever it takes to get 'all in.' 

My suggestion to the OP- order a Rabbit and the 50 Shades trilogy and sit down and have a talk with your wife without yelling and screaming.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How old is the child now?

Raising young children is both very tiring and mind numbing


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> How old is the child now?
> 
> Raising young children is both very tiring and mind numbing


Totally agree....it can knock everything out of whack and change dynamics. 








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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your issues but please do understand that you are not alone. 

Once my wife and other wives gives birth they may become myopic and simply fall into a " mother " role and often forgets that they are still a wife and lover to their husbands. Communication is the key and i've often told my wife this that it is crucial that she is cognizant to what role she is playing and when. Good luck and i do hope you and your wife works it out !


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Tell your wife about the women at the gym with high libidos; I guarantee you she'll take notice. I know I'd do an about face if I were in her shoes.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

> I've tried a lot of the suggestions on here... some worked for a while, some don't work at all.


So what worked and which didn't. That may help with the suggestions you get as it might give us more insight into her.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I also recommend you read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

If your wife immediately cut back on sex after marriage, then this could well be an intentional bait and switch. If so, there's really not much you can do other than accept it or leave.

But, it may just be a natural progression toward less sex and deprioritizing you. I recommend you try to get your marriage back on an even footing before leaving. If you're working 10 hour days and your wife isn't working, then you should not be doing half the housework. Cut that back. She should be able to handle most of the housework. That's her contribution to the marriage.

Good luck.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I work 10 hour days, in a Management position. I make very good money. I hit the gym after work, 6 days per week. I'm fit, with an athletic physique... I look after myself.

Because I start work at 6.30am, I'm home from the gym by 6.30pm. I then play with our son to give her a break. I do half the housework. I'm the handyman of the house, plus I wash the cars, do the weeding, tidy the yard, etc. I rarely get angry, and I'm very tolerant of her mood swings. So you can see, I'm tired too. I'm just willing to put more effort into the relationship than she is. For her, it's all about her and my son. I feel like I don't exist sometimes. I only realise I exist when she wants things around the house done!



You put more into it than she does..... Really?? I don't see where you mention what kinds of things YOU do to spend time with HER. Do you still date your wife? Do you still do the things you did when courting her? Not trying to be mean here, but these are things that make a wife feel she's still important, desired, or cherished. 

You also don't mention whether she's a SAHM or if she works outside the home. If she's a SAHM, then I agree with those stating her contribution to the marriage/relationship is taking care of ALL that needs to be done around the house. However, if she works outside the home, then your helping around the house is exactly where it should be. The offer for her to have 'ME' time (gym, nails, hobby, etc) should be there for her as well.


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## Funcool32 (Sep 23, 2012)

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## Funcool32 (Sep 23, 2012)

Thank you for all your helpful advice and suggestions. I will definitely get my hands on the recommended books. I really do want to make a go of this marriage. It's been 8yrs, and I have a beautiful son who is an absolute joy to show for it. I'd hate for him to have separated parents. I need to make this work.

Heavensangel, I understand what you're saying. Maybe I don't try hard enough. It is always harder to talk when there's a little one around. Kids seek attention, so it's almost impossible to have the same relationship we had when we were dating. However, we have gone out many times without my son, and he has stayed the night with my parents or hers. The sad thing is, the last two or three times this happened, we got home exhausted, and guess what?? She just wanted to sleep, surprise surprise!

You're definitely right about one thing though... I don't make the effort anymore, because there's only so many times a guy can make an effort and still be knocked back. It's very disheartening.
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## Funcool32 (Sep 23, 2012)

Thank you for all your helpful advice and suggestions. I will definitely get my hands on the recommended books. I really do want to make a go of this marriage. It's been 8yrs, and I have a beautiful son who is an absolute joy to show for it. I'd hate for him to have separated parents. I need to make this work.

Heavensangel, I understand what you're saying. Maybe I don't try hard enough. It is always harder to talk when there's a little one around. Kids seek attention, so it's almost impossible to have the same relationship we had when we were dating. However, we have gone out many times without my son, and he has stayed the night with my parents or hers. The sad thing is, the last two or three times this happened, we got home exhausted, and guess what?? She just wanted to sleep, surprise surprise!

You're definitely right about one thing though... I don't make the effort anymore, because there's only so many times a guy can make an effort and still be knocked back. It's very disheartening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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