# Had my rings cut off yesterday



## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

Hi! I’m new. This is my 1st post though I’ve been lurking for a few days. Forgive me if I don’t catch on to all the abbreviations just yet and I apologize in advance if I say or do something that is against forum rules. I’ll try to catch on. 

It’s been about four days since I was able to confirm suspicions of infidelity I’ve had for a few years. He confessed but neither of us are ready to dive into details yet. We have been married for 28 years with three amazing daughters who are on their own now. At the moment our plan is to work on things and find a counselor but I feel like my thoughts and feelings are changing every second and going every which direction. 

I guess I’m not really looking for advice. I just need to say or scream things into the void bc I feel like I’m going a little crazy. One second I’m numb. The next second I’m full of rage. And then I sink into absolute despair. I’m not sleeping. I get the feeling that’s all pretty normal. However, I feel like I want to change everything right now. My rings, which hadn’t been off since before the birth of my second child, so maybe 26 years ??, all of a sudden made me feel like I was suffocating and I couldn’t stand to look at them. I impulsively stopped at a jewelers yesterday and had him cut off the rings. I cried all the way through it but I felt better when it was done. I feel nothing looking at them. Just broken metal and worthless stones. 

On top of the rings, I can’t stand my car (which only last week I loved and felt like it was an extension of myself) or the color I just spent a ton of time and energy painting our kitchen cabinets all by myself. I wanted so badly to come home yesterday and just throw red and black paint all over everything. I want to cut off my hair and go a completely different color. For a 53 year old woman I have long hair, down past my shoulder blades. Hair that he has always “loved”. I feel restless and panicky sitting in our “home”. I would love to run off to a cabin in the woods somewhere for a month but I have cats and horses and two old dogs who mean the world to me. So I feel trapped. Not financially but trapped all the same. 

Anyway, I’m one of those weird people who has no friends. Like not a single person. (I have a suspicion he’s been slowly isolating me from everyone for a while now but that’s a whole other discussion). And I don’t feel like discussing this with anyone in my family. So, I guess I just want to know I’m not alone. Truthfully, I don’t know what I want but typing this out and throwing it into the universe feels helpful.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You aren't alone. A lot of us have been through the pain and dismay of being cheated on. I know it sounds cliche but it does get better with time.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your whole world was upended with his confession. Of course you are off balance. Do go somewhere safe & scream. Cut your hair & change the color if you like. Don't smash your car or throw paint on your cabinets but find a less permanent / expensive way to vent. Have you ever been axe throwing? Perhaps tape a picture of him to the target & have at it. Get a canvas & do throw paint at that. Make a big ole mess on a drop cloth so that when you are spent, you don't have to refinish the house or the walls. 

Hugs. Hope the MC works out & you are able to find a path to peace whether that is still being married or not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are definitely not alone. People tend to stay in marriages until they reach the point of no return and just can’t any longer. I eventually reached that point. You may or may not. In the meantime, take deep breaths (that helped me when I felt the walls closing in) and be very good to yourself. Don’t feel you have to make any decisions this minute or the next — take your time. I wish you the best.

PS
Most men don’t cheat with the idea of getting a divorce. They want to stay married. Recovery from an affair can take years — there’s no quick fix. IOW, this won’t be over soon.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sorry you're having to experience the brutal gut wrenching pain of infidelity. 

Your world has been blown up. 

Glad you found TAM.

Use this place for wisdom, strength, guidance, encouragement or just to vent.

Hang in there!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> Hi! I’m new. This is my 1st post though I’ve been lurking for a few days. Forgive me if I don’t catch on to all the abbreviations just yet and I apologize in advance if I say or do something that is against forum rules. I’ll try to catch on.
> 
> It’s been about four days since I was able to confirm suspicions of infidelity I’ve had for a few years. He confessed but neither of us are ready to dive into details yet. We have been married for 28 years with three amazing daughters who are on their own now. At the moment our plan is to work on things and find a counselor but I feel like my thoughts and feelings are changing every second and going every which direction.
> 
> ...


Do hang in there. There will be some tough times but the deeper pain will lessen and your future self will be better off. You can do it.

Welcome to TAM.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Welcome. What a sad story, but unfortunately, also not uncommon. There’s lots of good people here with experience with infidelity.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I’m so sorry he’s done this. I know it’s tempting to go scorched earth on your hair and cabinets. Paint those cabinets any color you like but I’d hold off on your hair. 🥺❤

Is there nowhere he could go? To give you a break? I’m so sorry, the horror of having to be around him after his betrayal is just awful. I’m so so sorry.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't trash the car though. It's innocent. 
Just a little humor 🙄🙄🙂🙂


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> It’s been about four days since I was able to confirm suspicions of infidelity I’ve had for a few years.


For a few years??

So it's a long term thing. No wonder you feel the way you do. 

My one piece of advice is find a marriage counselor who _specialises_ in couple work and has a lot of experience in working with infidelity. Not just any counselor.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

I'm sorry that you have had to come here for this reason. But you will soon find, a great number of us came here for the same reason (myself included). If you start to post here with any regularity, you will find that just like in real life, it's a pretty big mix of personalities and opinions. You will find many that are willing to be compassionate and just lend words of support and some that will share their own stories and some that like to think they practice 'tough love' through being a rather harsh, and some that just love to hear their own selves talk. If you can look through the approach, you will find that each person on here means well and may have info that is valid as you navigate this terrible development in your life.

As you delve into the details of your 'new reality', since what you thought was true about your life was actually not the case, be prepared that your Wayward Husband (WH) may only dribble bits and pieces of the truth at a time...especially with this seeming to be a long term affair. There are several threads on here that may end up being of use to you, especially look at the threads that are pinned at the top each forum.

There are many people on here that have a wealth of knowledge, articles, books, etc to share with you if you ask for them. I hate to say, I don't really. I am still navigating my own discoveries and repercussions....which started in 2012 and resurfaced in 2018. It can be a long road if you chose to stay in your marriage. Don't force yourself to hurry or expect that it should be swept under the rug.

Good luck. We are here for you.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

Welcome. You aren't weird for having no friends, and you are definitely not alone. Hugs


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You’re not alone. You’ll find a lot of good support on here if you read through some of the threads dealing with similar situations as yours.

When did the affair end?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JustCallMeCliche I'm sorry you had to come looking for us, but I'm so very glad you found us.

I think STD tests would be a good idea, as it doesn't pay to be too careful.

We'll be here for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It may help if you ask him to leave for a time so you can think and reflect and see what you want to do next.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@JustCallMeCliche I’m sorry you find yourself here. Consider yourself among friends. You are not alone, and you are not a cliche. Your husband, on the other hand, #ihavenothingnicetosay

I wish you well. It helps to talk it out here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Did you relay post a picture of yourself crying as your avatar?


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Did you relay post a picture of yourself crying as your avatar?


That is Emma Thompson in “Love, Actually”.


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## Coloratura (Sep 28, 2021)

I am so, so sorry you are here. But you have found a community of people who really do care, who give excellent advice. So many here have been through the pain of betrayal, myself included. I have also been married almost 28 years but am now going through a divorce.

What you are feeling is normal given what you have just been put through. It is a trauma. I am not one to give advice because I am still in the weeds with everything, but just know you are not alone. This site has helped me more than almost anything to navigate these dark waters.

Once you feel a bit more stabilized and able to concentrate, the book that helped me the most is called “Cheating in a Nutshell”. Despite its rather silly title, it is an incredible book which explains in very academic but readable terms why you are feeling what you are feeling. It helped me immensely.

We are all here for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You could share custody of the animals. You'll have to be around him some anyway because you have grown children. You could bring the animals over to your house. You could maybe do the cats one week and then the dogs one week and then have access to the horses.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

After seeing "reconciliation" stories for 25+ years, I don't recommend it to anyone. To me, it's just a way for a cheater to get away with his bad deeds and the one he **** all over gets to eat a **** sandwich for the rest of her life.

No thanks.

So basically OP, you're saying you're going to try to "work things out" with someone who thought it was totally fine to lie to your face for *YEARS* - day in and day out, until he couldn't lie anymore and you finally got some partial truth out of him (he'll always lie to you and NEVER tell you the truth of what he's been up to - you need to know that). He's a liar, a cheater, someone who slowly cut you off from the world, and a POS who wasn't even able to show you the *minimal amount of respect *that most of us show the common housefly.

_That's_ who you're choosing to swallow a **** sandwich for, OP.

He got to have his fun for years at YOUR expense, OP. Now he'll put on the "I'm so sorry" face and butter you up good to avoid being dragged into divorce court and losing half his assets and being exposed to his children, his family, his friends, his coworkers and everyone else what a skeevy POS he really is. Nope, he doesn't want that so you'll get some of those crocodile tears here and there while he tells you how _sad_ he is that he hurt you, and maybe he'll throw you a bone and go sit in some therapist's chair every week for a few months. And I can guarantee you that quack that he goes to see will absolve him of all his unacceptable behavior by claiming it was "family of origin" issues that _*made*_ him cheat on you, don'tcha see? LOL you can't _believe_ how many quacks use that excuse for these cheating liars because they're being paid to pull SOMETHING out of their asses, and that one seems to be their favorite pick. Apparently, "family of origin" trauma *only* seems to rear its ugly head and victimize these poor, poor men when the opportunity to get themselves some strange comes along and they can't jump on it fast enough. 

OP, think twice before you pull up a chair for life at the **** Sandwich Cafe. Think twice before you disrespect yourself and "work it out" with someone who clearly didn't care if he was risking losing you for YEARS so he could have his fun. In fact, think 3 and 4 times.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm seeing things a little differently than most here. 

I'm wondering if dear ol' Cheating Husband may have just handed you your Golden Ticket. 

Me suspects that you haven't been happy with him or your comfy life with the cats and the car and the freshly painted cabinets for quite some time and that you have been wanting to live your own life and do your own thing for quite some time. 
But of course there were wifely and motherly duties that needed to be carried out. There were kids that needed to be raised, cabinets that needed to be painted and cats that needed to be fed, so you sucked it up and soldiered on. 

And what was your reward?? you found out that he had been having his fun all along while were left with the task of which paint to choose for the cabinets and you were left with taping down all the drop cloth and doing all the clean up. 

But now the kids are grown and gone, the cabinets are painted, you say you have financial security and now he has admitted to years of having his fun and frivolity elsewhere. 

.......You just got your Golden Ticket to do whatever the hell the you want. 

Want to trade the car in for a bright yellow VW bug - the nearest dealership is open till 4 today and then opens back up monday morning.

Want some friends - call up that nice lady who just went through a divorce that seemed to want to talk to you at grocery store the other day. Maybe she knows of a nice cabin in the woods or maybe she has a convertible and you two can go all Thelma and Louise for awhile. (just stay away from cliffs) 

Did you take a yoga class awhile back and found yourself staring at Sven From Yoga's butt and bulge in his tight yoga pants?? Just throw that out there with him, he's probably up for it. 

Cats and dogs and horses need to be fed - maybe your WH can learn to find where the cat food is in the pantry and figure out how to clean out the catbox once the stench has his eyes watering. 

Where I'm going with all of this is I get the feeling YOU are the one that wanted freedom and you're just now finding out that he beat you to it. 

You're at a crossroads now and have been given your ticket to your own emancipation. Your choice is do you try to cling on to what you have had (or thought you had) or do you grab your golden ticket and do what you want?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> You're at a crossroads now and have been given your ticket to your own emancipation.


THIS all day long. RUN. He was never who he said he was. He lied and stole your life. Walk away from him, the man you thought he was does not exist. He tricked you, and doesn't deserve one more second of your time. They call it "walk away wife," when a woman just gets enough of not mattering and being last and not having anyone, not even themselves, care what happens to them. They walk away and build a new life for themselves where they matter too. Do it. Don't waste any more time.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> After seeing "reconciliation" stories for 25+ years, I don't recommend it to anyone. To me, it's just a way for a cheater to get away with his bad deeds and the one he *** all over gets to eat a *** sandwich for the rest of her life.
> 
> No thanks.
> 
> ...


This is pretty much how I see it, as well. In the case of cheating women, rather than FOO issues, these quack counselors seem to try to pin the cheating on " unmet needs" or the absurd cliche that men are emotionally stunted and poor communicators ( this despite the existence of so many male philosophers, orators, artists, authors etc).
IMO, you should avoid any type of marriage counseling like the plague , as they , typically, seek to justify 5he cheating and pin responsibility on the betrayed.
Your husband has major problems, perhaps,( likely, as you mention his isolating you) a clumsy B personality disorder, like NPD or ASPD, or a combo platter.
Cut you losses( and, they are huge losses that traumatize, I know).
It seems impossible to me that one could remain with a long term serial cheater like your husband, and hold onto any self respect or self esteem. 
Best to jettison this trash and focus on trying to feel better( tough, takes time and support).
With this abuser gone, you will stand a better chance of becoming happy again( scarred but happy).
Most of us here have felt similar devastation. People here understand what you are and will be going through. Sorry this was done to you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Agree with the others in that you should leave. Don’t let fear of going through a divorce stand in your way of being free to live a better life with authentic people.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Rant on if it makes you feel better we are all in this forum for a reason you know. Everyone here has gotten banged up to some extent and it may give you comfort discussing it with them. Also cheaper than a therapist.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> I guess I’m not really looking for advice.


Good luck with that. This forum provides a LOT of advice, and most of it is golden...provided by people who have been in your same situation. You should find help here.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> Hi! I’m new. This is my 1st post though I’ve been lurking for a few days. Forgive me if I don’t catch on to all the abbreviations just yet and I apologize in advance if I say or do something that is against forum rules. I’ll try to catch on.
> 
> It’s been about four days since I was able to confirm suspicions of infidelity I’ve had for a few years. He confessed but neither of us are ready to dive into details yet. We have been married for 28 years with three amazing daughters who are on their own now. At the moment our plan is to work on things and find a counselor but I feel like my thoughts and feelings are changing every second and going every which direction.
> 
> ...


Sorry you found yourself here. It’s the worst club to be a part of. But it’s a good place to come for help and understanding. 

Speaking from experience, I just want to caution you about these coming months. Maybe right now you are in “fix it” mode and think you want to do anything to make your marriage “new” and “better than ever”. So you find a marriage counselor, rededicate yourself to your husband, and trying to understand why he cheated and how you can prevent him from doing it some more. In hindsight, this is a time for self reflection and healing and not the time to work on your marriage, understand your husband, or have “makup sex” (hysterical bonding sometimes happens!) Or maybe you feel pressured to stay, and work this out for whatever reason and that’s why you’re feeling trapped right now. Maybe it’s not what you really want to do in this moment. 

If I could go back to advise myself at day 4 after DDAY, I would tell myself the following:
He’s destroyed your marriage. Not you, therefore it is not your job to fix it. Let him go, and see if he’s even worth the “fix”. Focus in on yourself and what’s been done to you, not figuring out why your husband is a jackass. Space and time are priceless and you have every right to take it.
Do not, under any circumstances, go to a marriage counselor right now. They have a wonderful habit of assigning responsibility to the person who was betrayed instead of the cheating jerk. They’ll even say things like “It’s absolutely not your fault that he cheated on you… but affairs are symptoms of a bad marriage.” Don’t buy this sh*t. Ever. (If a marriage was THAT bad they should have asked for a divorce; not stick their peen in another person and lie about it.) I have never met a counselor that knows how to properly counsel people through infidelity without assigning at least some of the blame on the BS or the “marriage” and that’s the last thing you need for clarity in purpose and direction. 
Even individual counselors will do this ^. (probably because they are MC’s too!) But you should still see an IC, to work on yourself *not* your marriage. Why did you put up with behavior that was intolerable? Why did you give someone so much when you weren’t getting a sliver of the same in return? Why did you ignore your gut for so long? Why do you continue to believe partial truths and information? How can you create stronger boundaries in your life to find fulfillment, do things you like to do, make your life revolve around yourself again? These are all great things to self reflect and work through (not saying they all apply to you but they seem to be common themes). And the trauma of what has happened, which needs to be addressed is best done through an individual counselor as well. You’ll just have to understand that they are going to possibly say stupid things about your husband and why he cheated… I would talk here and read _Cheating in a Nutshell, _and _Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. _ They will describe the why’s a LOT better than a MC. (Notice I didn’t even bother to bring up the cheater himself. He is the enemy to you and your marriage and will be for a LONG time without some serious self work and reflection.) 

The only reason you need to know that he cheated is that he is selfish, entitled, and cares more about himself than you. That’s it. Is it possible he can change? There is a slim possibility. But that’s self work on his part, and you can’t make him, help him, or force him to do it, and I feel it inhibits his growth to have you involved in the process. Besides that, most cheaters - especially long term, prolific cheating - are pretty much impossible to change. His brain chemistry is altered to have created and allowed this behavior himself for so long… he is no longer the guy you married. 

I hope you’ll keep posting and asking questions, listening, and reading stories to help you through this process. It’s painfully alienating when you have people around you, and you have nobody. So I do hope you’ll utilize this site for help. Good luck. ♥


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

That is great advice from Quiet. Very insightful.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> Anyway, I’m one of those weird people who has no friends. Like not a single person. (I have a suspicion he’s been slowly isolating me from everyone for a while now but that’s a whole other discussion). And I don’t feel like discussing this with anyone in my family. So, I guess I just want to know I’m not alone. Truthfully, I don’t know what I want but typing this out and throwing it into the universe feels helpful.


Oh trust me, you are not alone. I'm a dude and I felt many of the things you did when my first wife told me it was over and left to follow her girlfriend across pretty much the whole dang country (her target of interest was in the Air Force).

The thing you need to do is to rediscover who you are when he's not around. And one of the things that helped me was a group of folks called the SCA or Society for Creative Anachronisms. They're a medieval recreation group and if you've ever had any interest in the middle ages and/or any sort of crafts (even if you've never gotten a chance to try any out), they're a good place to start. 

One of the reasons I suggest them is that they helped me. Not by being an obvious source of therapy or anything, but by just being a welcoming and friendly group of folks willing to include new folks into their group. 

In an interview I had with a reporter who was doing a bit on our local chapter I stated that one of the greatest things about the SCA can be described as a line from a song in "The Muppet Movie" where Gonzo sings "I'm going to go back there someday". The line that sticks with me regarding the SCA was..."There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met."

And there's a good chance that you'll find that with your local group. A place where within a short period of time you've found friends and likely things to occupy your mind. Both of which in your current condition and the state I was in when my wife came out of the closet and left me...can help take one's mind off of what went wrong and let it focus on what can go right. And don't worry that you won't fit in. This is an all-inclusive group where folks from all ages and walks of life meet and enjoy doing what they do. Some of my favorite memories come from what we used to call "Stitch-n-*****" nights where we would just hang out at someone's house and work on our current crafting projects while talking about anything and everything. 

www.sca.org is the main site and from there you can find links to the local chapters in your area. 

But if that doesn't seem like your coup of tea, it's still an example of what I think you might need right now. You feel lost and adrift and you're limited on friends (as you said, possibly because you were being cut off and isolated). You need something constructive to do and you need people to do it with. If the SCA isn't appealing, take my suggestion and look for something else that might do something similar for you.

If you're into boardgames, go to the local gaming store and see if there's a boardgaming club that runs there. Look at the activity board at the local library to see if someone's running something that appeals to you. Wander over to the craft store and see if there's anything interesting. Check out the local social calendar in your area. Find something to do that you like or have always wanted to try. 

But in the end, find something constructive to take your mind off of the destructive. And yes...if there's an axe room in your area or one of those new trendy placed that for a fee you can go in and smash the living heck out of things for 15 minutes...have at it to let it all out. Can be quite cathartic.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> THIS all day long. RUN. He was never who he said he was. He lied and stole your life. Walk away from him, the man you thought he was does not exist. He tricked you, and doesn't deserve one more second of your time. They call it "walk away wife," when a woman just gets enough of not mattering and being last and not having anyone, not even themselves, care what happens to them. They walk away and build a new life for themselves where they matter too. Do it. Don't waste any more time.


Unfortunately, some" walk away wives" do it by way of cheating on loyal, caring husbands who they got bored with, as well as bored with the mundane things entailed in living and raising kids, like paying the bills, childcare, etc.
Many husbands are left via cheating because their wives decided to "eat, pray, love" etc.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Unfortunately, some" walk away wives" do it by way of cheating on loyal, caring husbands who they got bored with, as well as bored with the mundane things entailed in living and raising kids, like paying the bills, childcare, etc.
> Many husbands are left via cheating because their wives decided to "eat, pray, love" etc.


Sometimes. I’m not sure if the terminology is the same in this scenario. Regardless, that’s not the thread topic.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

No , it is not. Wonder why it was initially brought up.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> No , it is not. Wonder why it was initially brought up.


You brought it up, when for some reason you said some wives cheat. The thread is about a woman leaving a cheating husband. That women also cheat is off topic.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You don’t really know him. You know who you thought he WAS.

I was married that long. Divorce him. You can be happy again. Cut out the one harming you. Calculated harm.

given any chances - he will do it again.
Has he stopped the affair? How did you find real proof?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You brought it up, when for some reason you said some wives cheat. The thread is about a woman leaving a cheating husband. That women also cheat is off topic.


Walk away wives is , actually, off topic. This is not such a situation. Here, we have a wife dealing with an abusive, serial cheating husband.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Walk away wives is , actually, off topic. This is not such a situation. Here, we have a wife dealing with an abusive, serial cheating husband.


Walk away wives are wives who walk away after being treated badly by their husband, which is the situation this woman is in. That is specifically the topic. Complaining that women are cheaters is off topic.









The Walk Away Wife Syndrome - Couples retreats and Online Couples Therapy


What is the walk away wife syndrome? Men call me and say "we used to fight all the time. Then it stopped. Now, out if the blue, she wants a divorce?"




www.couplestherapyinc.com


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Walk away wives are wives who walk away after being treated badly by their husband, which is the situation this woman is in. That is specifically the topic. Complaining that women are cheaters is off topic.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The " treated badly" part is not a requirement. Many are merely dissatisfied with the day to day mundanity of life and marriage. Same for men who bail.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Your whole world was upended with his confession. Of course you are off balance. Do go somewhere safe & scream. Cut your hair & change the color if you like. Don't smash your car or throw paint on your cabinets but find a less permanent / expensive way to vent. Have you ever been axe throwing? Perhaps tape a picture of him to the target & have at it. Get a canvas & do throw paint at that. Make a big ole mess on a drop cloth so that when you are spent, you don't have to refinish the house or the walls.
> 
> Hugs. Hope the MC works out & you are able to find a path to peace whether that is still being married or not.


I think there is an axe throwing place about an hour and a half from me. I actually like that idea. And I chuckle at that. Thank you!


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You could share custody of the animals. You'll have to be around him some anyway because you have grown children. You could bring the animals over to your house. You could maybe do the cats one week and then the dogs one week and then have access to the horses.


I’m open to sharing the cats but the dogs are 100% mine. The problem is they are both old. One is becoming more frail by the day. The other is dying of advanced cancer. I can’t just pick the up and move them. But they are all mine. He wouldn’t even question it. The horses are a whole issue I haven’t even started to process yet for a thousand reasons. Mostly because I don’t like any possible solutions that make their way to the surface. I suppose I’ll get there at some point.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m so sorry he’s done this. I know it’s tempting to go scorched earth on your hair and cabinets. Paint those cabinets any color you like but I’d hold off on your hair. 🥺❤
> 
> Is there nowhere he could go? To give you a break? I’m so sorry, the horror of having to be around him after his betrayal is just awful. I’m so so sorry.


I texted my hair stylist not long after making this post to give her a heads up about trying something new - and a very vague idea of why. I probably won’t cut it all off but maybe to where it just hits my shoulders. I don‘t know. I trust her. I may just let her figure something out. Lol Funny how talking about these more mundane issues is kind of soothing.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> For a few years??
> 
> So it's a long term thing. No wonder you feel the way you do.
> 
> My one piece of advice is find a marriage counselor who _specialises_ in couple work and has a lot of experience in working with infidelity. Not just any counselor.


Yep. A few years. To be honest, I still have no idea what went on, with whom, or for how long. For all I know this could have been going on for 20 years. I don’t think that’s the case but I feel like I can’t trust my judgment on a lot of things right now. My guess is it’s been more of a serial thing which I’ve already learned is not promising. Thank you for the suggestion of finding a counselor who specializes in couples work/infidelity.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> I'm sorry that you have had to come here for this reason. But you will soon find, a great number of us came here for the same reason (myself included). If you start to post here with any regularity, you will find that just like in real life, it's a pretty big mix of personalities and opinions. You will find many that are willing to be compassionate and just lend words of support and some that will share their own stories and some that like to think they practice 'tough love' through being a rather harsh, and some that just love to hear their own selves talk. If you can look through the approach, you will find that each person on here means well and may have info that is valid as you navigate this terrible development in your life.
> 
> As you delve into the details of your 'new reality', since what you thought was true about your life was actually not the case, be prepared that your Wayward Husband (WH) may only dribble bits and pieces of the truth at a time...especially with this seeming to be a long term affair. There are several threads on here that may end up being of use to you, especially look at the threads that are pinned at the top each forum.
> 
> ...


Thank you! That is all so helpful. Usually I’d worry about having my feelings hurt but at the moment I can barely figure out how to get dressed so I’m not too worried about that. Still it’s nice to hear that most people have good intentions. I’ve already learned so much from lurking a bit. I imagine there will come a time where I interact more but not yet.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> You’re not alone. You’ll find a lot of good support on here if you read through some of the threads dealing with similar situations as yours.
> 
> When did the affair end?


I can’t say for certain that it has yet. If I would guess, I’d say it’s been more than one woman who he hooked up with occasionally whenever it was convenient for him. He has a big ego with an almost insatiable need for validation. One that one person alone - meaning me - couldn’t fill. And I’m not just talking sexually. I’ve always known he had some narcissistic traits but it seems like everyone in his field does (Or at least all the ones we have known). Of course, he swears that it will never happen again, yada yada yada, and I even believe he means it right this second but I don’t think that will be sustainable for him without him putting in a lot of work on himself and us both putting in a lot of work on our relationship. I don’t even know for sure if that’s what I want yet. I feel like I can’t get firm footing anywhere.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Did you relay post a picture of yourself crying as your avatar?


 Nah. It’s Emma Thompson in character from the movie Love Actually. I’m probably going to change it. It’s a movie my daughters and I have watched 100 times and for some reason I could hear her lines go through my head so clearly. It seemed to fit my feelings of being a walking, talking, cliche.


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## JustCallMeCliche (6 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> After seeing "reconciliation" stories for 25+ years, I don't recommend it to anyone. To me, it's just a way for a cheater to get away with his bad deeds and the one he *** all over gets to eat a *** sandwich for the rest of her life.
> 
> No thanks.
> 
> ...


I get it. And you may be absolutely right. I have no clue at this moment. Part of me wishes I could be the person that would just say “f*** it! I’m gone”. But that’s not me. Or at least it isn’t right this second. That doesn’t mean anything more than I can barely summon the energy to get in the shower and deal with the normal, every day things that absolutely have to be attended to. Once I’m able to do that, I have to figure out if and when I’m going to address this with my kids. They may be adults but they love their dad very much. Despite all his failures towards me, he has always been an amazing dad. At the moment, one is on a sabbatical hiking through the mountains for another six months, another is out of the country for a few weeks, and the youngest just went through her own horrible break up and is now looking for a new apartment and getting ready to start grad school. I’m not upending their lives _right this second_. Even if I was a “f*** it! I’m done” kind of person, I wouldn’t do that right now.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> I can’t say for certain that it has yet. If I would guess, I’d say it’s been more than one woman who he hooked up with occasionally whenever it was convenient for him. He has a big ego with an almost insatiable need for validation. One that one person alone - meaning me - couldn’t fill. And I’m not just talking sexually. I’ve always known he had some narcissistic traits but it seems like everyone in his field does (Or at least all the ones we have known). Of course, he swears that it will never happen again, yada yada yada, and I even believe he means it right this second but I don’t think that will be sustainable for him without him putting in a lot of work on himself and us both putting in a lot of work on our relationship. I don’t even know for sure if that’s what I want yet. I feel like I can’t get firm footing anywhere.


Okay, thanks for updating. It’s not your fault he cheated, so you “putting in work” is futile with someone like your husband, a serial cheater. It’s all fresh, so you’ll need time to process. But I hope you choose to leave, if I’m being honest. I’m just another stranger on the internet, but you’re missing out on what a great life you could have without him and his bad treatment of you. Hope you choose you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> I’m open to sharing the cats but the dogs are 100% mine. The problem is they are both old. One is becoming more frail by the day. The other is dying of advanced cancer. I can’t just pick the up and move them. But they are all mine. He wouldn’t even question it. The horses are a whole issue I haven’t even started to process yet for a thousand reasons. Mostly because I don’t like any possible solutions that make their way to the surface. I suppose I’ll get there at some point.


Dogs usually do pretty well being moved as long as you're with them. Wherever you are is their home. I understand about the one that's dying, of course. You'll just have to stay until that happens and I'm sorry to hear about that. The other one will probably be fine coming with you as long as it's not blind or something.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's the nature of cats to not like to move. So they'll be the ones that has the bigger problem. And you'd have to watch them so they didn't get out because they would be nervous until they got used to the place which would probably take a month of being there off and on.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

JustCallMeCliche said:


> I texted my hair stylist not long after making this post to give her a heads up about trying something new - and a very vague idea of why. I probably won’t cut it all off but maybe to where it just hits my shoulders. I don‘t know. I trust her. I may just let her figure something out. Lol Funny how talking about these more mundane issues is kind of soothing.


If you let her know what you're going through, she can probably do something minor, a small change that will make you feel refreshed but not too drastic. I'm so sorry he did this. You don't deserve this. This is because HE is a bad person, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Some people are just bad. He lied and tricked you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you let her know what you're going through, she can probably do something minor, a small change that will make you feel refreshed but not too drastic. I'm so sorry he did this. You don't deserve this. This is because HE is a bad person, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Some people are just bad. He lied and tricked you.


The first thing my friend did after filing for divorce is start letting her gray grow in. I would have been just the opposite.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The first thing my friend did after filing for divorce is start letting her gray grow in. I would have been just the opposite.


I like the idea of fun colors in your hair. It's something that _feels_ drastic but it isn't. As someone who has made pretty substantial mistakes with hair color over the years 🤭 I can assure you, color can be fixed.


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