# The Slow Boil after Relocation



## BruceChumley (Aug 10, 2011)

Back in 2005 my wife decided she wanted to go to college, I had just recovered from depression.

I had utterly no self confidence, but I landed a job. A good job.

I regained my self confidence after about a year and climbed some ranks.

I got laid off (mass lay off).

I picked myself up and got a BETTER job. I loved my job.

In 2010 my wife graduated college and was recruited to move to a very rural area. My job was always considered temporary anyway...I was a contractor. They said they could keep me on for another couple of years but I declined so we could move.

The type of work I do isn't really available were we live now, so I've been contracting off and on at something I really don't care for, and don't make nearly as much money as I used to. My wife is making more money than I used to at the job I loved.

The one advantage is I've been able to keep up the house work, and we have four children.

I've actually been very very happy the past year. Part time work (which I hate, but only for 16 hours a week or so) and house cleaning...I'm the type of guy with a dozen hobbies though and I've been happy to pursue them. I had actually been real happy. It was rewarding after the five years I'd striven to get us to this point. She's been happy (the wife) and productive in her new career, putting in a ton of time (60 hours or so a week).

Recently she told me to find steady work.

This really crushed me because the nearest job site (in my mind anyway) is about 120 miles away. I really don't want to drive for four hours a day. When I told her maybe I should rent an apartment in a city she didn't flinch (at first) she basically told me if that's what it takes then do it. 

As a point of contention I've left that option open, even though neither of us really thinks it's a valid solution. 

I'm upset, I had a career path that I sacrificed to move here to further her career. My career path has been derailed. Now she expects me to pick it back up, and it's going to be hard.

To complicate things she told me this; there's a "not yet" clause, she doesn't want me to seriously job hunt until summer is over (about another week). She's a teacher, so the seasons play in a bit.

To be honest I've stayed with my family because my father abandoned mine when I was small. It's not the only reason I stayed, but we were married after our first child was born and there was no way in creation I was going to make that child suffer like I had. 

Don't get me wrong; I love my wife, I'm just not sure if we would be together now if she didn't mother my child when we were teenagers.

On one hand I think I should just take a crappy job with more hours in my area (50 mile range). This would satisfy her. On the other hand I think maybe I should move to a city where I can work.

I'm just a little (okay, I feel betrayed) hurt that after I worked through a depression to get my ass back to work (which I'm glad happened) to get her through college that she's being calloused at this point. For five years I worked solely with the goal of getting her through college so she could have a career, even sacrificed my own gain entirely at the end for her. 

Our apartment is small and is going to fall apart completely between the four kids, her crazy schedule and me having to commute back and forth every day after I find work.

Should I just take a couple of kids and move to town so I can work or what? Working did make me happy, if it's in my field. My field doesn't exists within 120 miles of this place (I need a call center or a regional operations hq). She wants me to get back to work, maybe I should.

So now I'm border line losing control of my sanity once again. Work fixed it last time, maybe work will fix it again. But not crap work. Work that I'm good at. Which isn't here.

Thanks for reading my tale, let me know your thoughts.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would read the Man Up and Nice Guy Reference material posted at the top of this site.

I hate to be blunt, but since you are asking for help, here are my thoughts. 

It's hard to a wife to be sexually attracted to a man who lets her order him around (i.e. she told you to get work), a man who does not work, gets depressed, and thinks something he did for her 5 years ago has any bearing on today, and has many "reasons" for not working.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Bruce:

Your gut is telling you not to take a job that you don't want. Listen to it. You will resent her forever for making you do something that you don't want to do. Resentments kill love.

Consider what else you can do in your area. Can any of your hobbies yield any income? Could you go back to school for a job in your area? Do not ignore your feelings, and make it clear to your wife that you moved for her job, and she must now accommodate your needs.


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## BruceChumley (Aug 10, 2011)

Well I talked things out with the Wife. She agreed that I should not have to commute for 4 hours a day. We talked further. And further. For our children we will be relocating again in two years, between now and then I'm still in a pickle, but it's of my own choosing. In order to leave this place to allow my kids better opportunities I'm going to have to get a job. So I still have to solve the problem, but getting her to agree to leave was key in making it alright emotionally. She brought me here, she's responsible. When I take her away from this place, I'll be responsible. I'll take her somewhere that my kids will have opportunities to grow up closer to how I did, she can pretty well work anywhere and I'll be able to land too.

In the meantime I'm not sure what I'll do for work just yet, I might be looking at a 2-4 hour drive daily; but hell, I can do anything for two years.


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