# I need help!



## tearyeyed (May 8, 2017)

I feel like i've emotionally lost my husband. Or that he's lost interest in me and cares more about his guns and video games, tv, etc. I'm 27 we have been married just 2 1/2 years. 

My husband has invested $7,000+ dollars in firearms and various gun accessories in the span of a year. He didn't used to be this way! It all started about a year ago when he asked me if I would be okay with him buying a WWII pistol to have as a collector's item and for protection. I said yes that is fine BUT I wish I said no because it has turned into a serious addiction! Shortly thereafter he wanted to get a modern pistol because he didnt want to damage the old one doing target practice I said ok, that's understandable. BUT then he bought another small pistol "for me to use" though I expressed NO interested in wanting one! then another WWII one, AND another new modern pistol as well!! This is when things fell out of hand I told him NO MORE GUNS but he kept begging and begging!! He literally would not stop talking about guns!! It's all he seemed to care about! Finally I just said FINE I'm not arguing with you, it's your money and if you'd rather spend it on those items instead of putting it towards buying a home and starting a family, that's up to you. 

Well he decided he really wanted an AK-47 semi-automatic gun. He bought it!! HIS BUYING-HABITS STILL HAVE NOT STOPPED because 2 weeks ago he bought ANOTHER historical rifle!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH HIM? Keep in mind, these purchases were in the span of a year and a half. Not to mention all the extra expenses on storage bags for the guns, ammo, holsters and membership fees for the shooting range. HE DOES NOT EVEN GO TO THE SHOOTING RANGE OFTEN! He says he likes "owning a part of history" and he says he doesnt want to go to the range because I "nag" him every time he mentions anything about the guns.

He makes more money than I do. He often argues I have no right to "nag" him because he helped pay for my school, he pays most of the bills (I still pay half the rent) and because he buys things for me I have no right to tell him he can't spend his money on a "hobby". 

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I woke him up the other night and we got in a big argument. I again bothered him about his gun purchases and then he called me a lot of nasty names!! He said "You literally suck the joy out of everything I do. I have a job I hate, and I have to come home to a nagging annoying wife who sucks the joy out of everything in my life" This was really hurtful to me. Finally I told him it seems like you care more about the guns than you do me, well then you can have your guns because If you buy one more we are getting a divorce. I also told him if he knows what's good for him he will sell one of the guns to get rid of it because he already spent too much. 

WE HAVE OTHER PROBLEMS in our marriage as well. :-( When I come home from work, he is on the computer game and will not stop playing sometimes until his round is over. Sometimes he stops playing but not always. I wish he'd just be happy that I am home instead of being so interested in the game. Then as soon as we get ready to eat he turns on the TV. We haven't had sex in 6 months!! Listen, my husband suffers from an anxiety issue and is on medication which might explain why he's unable to get an erection. But I don't understand what's wrong. I used to suspect he had a porn addiction but I just don't know. He says he likes the game so much because it relives stress from his very stressful day at work. He just doesn't seem to want to do anything anymore!!! I have to do all the cleaning in the apartment. 

So what can I do? What have I done that's wrong to make him feel this way?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tearyeyed, it seems your H has not really grown up, he wants the privileges that marriage accords him but wants to continue with his hobbies, spending money his way etc. 
Did you guys ever sit down and plan for the future about things such as kids, savings, house, etc?
You have to write down the key things that you would like to discuss. There is no harm in having hobbies as long as it does not affect the marriage.
He seems to have lost interest in you and the marriage, you are too young not to be intimate on a regular basis. Perhaps he has some form of addiction?
Would he see a therapist?
If he refuses to engage in anyway or make attempts to change, you ask him for a separation, that might help him wake up. You could do an in-house separation, take away the benefits of being married to you, no cooking, cleaning, nothing. Just take care of yourself, the way he takes care of himself and do what you would like to do, when it begins to affect his day to day life, then maybe he will be prepared to listen.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

tearyeyed said:


> I have to do all the cleaning in the apartment.


Now WHY am I not surprised to hear that? 

Just think, if you actually DO have children with this impotent Neanderthal (though I don't see how that would happen since you don't have sex) you'll get to work full time *AND* do all the household chores *AND* raise your kid alone while Peter Pan continues to blow money on his toys, sit on his lazy ass letting YOU do everything around the house, play his little video games, and continue his verbal abuse calling you nasty names and telling you that you suck the life out of him.

Ahhh, Nirvana.

You've unfortunately married an emotionally stunted man-child. But hey, who needs to have babies when you already _have_ a kid in the house, right?

You ask what YOU'VE done wrong (aside from marrying a man-child) and my answer is not a thing. SOMEONE has to be the adult and I guess that's going to have to be *you*. It certainly isn't going to be Peter Pan. I would suppose you can wait for him to grow up but I have no idea how long that might take. It's kind of like raising a teenage boy, isn't it? Blech.

If I were you, I'd set my own internal date of how much longer I'd be willing to put up with this bull**** before getting out with my sanity still intact.

Then I'd have a come to Jesus talk with him and let him know that things need to change or it's not going to work for you. And I'd also let him know that you BOTH work full time and he's going to do his share around the house - not 'help' you, but do his 50% SHARE. You don't have the luxury of coming home from work and sitting on your ass all night having someone serve YOU dinner and clean up afterwards, so why should HE? Why the hell is HE any different than you? That crap needs to end immediately.

Personally, I'd set an internal date in my mind and stick to it. If he's still a lazy childish fool at the end of that wait, I'd be gone.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM, tearyeyed. Sorry to learn of your tough situation.

Your husband has not changed his mindset to, well, that of a husband. Managing shared resources (e.g. time, money) selfishly indicates this to me. It's actually very common with younger couples in marriage; since two people are joining formerly separated lives, there is always a transition period, though 2 1/2 years is stretching it. By recognizing that your problem is a common one, I by no means am minimizing it. In fact, if you don't do something now, I fear your husband's behaviors will become more deeply entrenched in the future.

In a nutshell, it seems like your husband may have an addiction to guns, is selfish about his money and time, feels justified in his selfishness, and as a result, is uncaring of your needs. Also, if he's impotent, you two aren't physically capable of having sex (obvious, I know) and that too can cause emotional disconnectedness. Sex bonds couples emotionally, and I'd wager even more so in new marriages.

I'd recommend you try to slowly change his mindset to that of a husband, and do so in a way that conveys genuine concern and counteracts his judgements of you "nagging". Make him aware of the longer-term goals of your marriage (saving for a house, retirement) and weathering financial storms (emergency savings). Persuade him to think of his money plus your money as "our" money for "our" livelihood and future. This will be tough since you don't make as much as him, but it can be done. You married him, so you must believe he loves you. If he loves you, he can be persuaded to think of "us" vs. "him".

Assuming you get him seeing things this way, translate your goals of a future with him into a financial plan (a budget) that allocates earnings toward long-term goals for "us" and away from short-term hobbies for "him". You must give him the freedom of having hobbies, and I don't suggest you try to pull games or guns from him, but you should try to limit how much of himself he spends on these interests (time/money).

Financially speaking, the budget should give him fixed amounts each month to spend on his hobbies (range memberships, ammo and shooting supplies, money to save for new firearms); this situation would limit how much income he directs to gun collecting/shooting. You might also suggest things to curb his spending on guns, such as him needing locks and gun cases to safely store them (raises the cost, or each purchase), you both having limited space in the apartment, etc. You might even encourage him to trade guns that he's less favorable of, for ones that he really wants to buy; trading guns would lessen the accumulation of guns and the money spent.

In terms of his time commitments, try to reasonably bound the time he spends his hobbies to something that is fair and easy for you to endure. Would it be possible for you to play a game with him, or join him at the range? These things might be more fun for you than you think, and it would be a great way for you two to spend time together. And while I'm talking about time management, you must insist (again, in a loving way, avoiding the accusation of nagging) that he do chores to help you out, assuming you work full-time. If you work part-time, you should pick up more of the chores. In the end though, you both live in the apartment and you're not the maid, so he has to help clean-up.

I'd recommend marriage counseling for you two, before divorce. You also need to have sex regularly; get your husband to the urologist to talk about treatments for ED. Assuming your husband's impotence won't prevent you from having kids, you still need to hold off on that; don't bring children into this marriage until you've improved these problems and your husband starts thinking like a husband versus a bachelor. 

If you husband ultimately won't change, after MC and your good faith efforts, you should consider leaving. Hope this helps. Good luck with all of this!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just a few questions...

What is your income? $7,000 is a drop in the bucket for some people, a fortune for others.

What does he do for a living and what do you do?

Was there a change BEFORE he got into guns? For example, a change in intimacy? Arguing about stuff before the gun buying?

Do you have any hobbies?

Any kids?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

On what freaking planet is it OK for average Joe citizen to own an AK 47??? Is he a member of some kind of Aryan Brotherhood or something?? WTF?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> On what freaking planet is it OK for average Joe citizen to own an AK 47??? Is he a member of some kind of Aryan Brotherhood or something?? WTF?


Perfectly fine where I live. My cousin has a 300+ capacity drum for his. Loads of fun to plink away at a target with. 
@tearyeyed

I am willing to bet that your H is suffering from depression... Addictive behaviors are almost always a way of trying to cope with something like that. You should get to the bottom of that, and you might have a shot at fixing the relationship.

Start with his work. He hates it? Why?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Kivlor said:


> Perfectly fine where I live. My cousin has a 300+ capacity drum for his. Loads of fun to plink away at a target with.


THANK GOD I live in Canada. Good lord.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tearyeyed said:


> I feel like i've emotionally lost my husband. Or that he's lost interest in me and cares more about his guns and video games, tv, etc. I'm 27 we have been married just 2 1/2 years.
> 
> My husband has invested $7,000+ dollars in firearms and various gun accessories in the span of a year. He didn't used to be this way! It all started about a year ago when he asked me if I would be okay with him buying a WWII pistol to have as a collector's item and for protection. I said yes that is fine BUT I wish I said no because it has turned into a serious addiction! Shortly thereafter he wanted to get a modern pistol because he didnt want to damage the old one doing target practice I said ok, that's understandable. BUT then he bought another small pistol "for me to use" though I expressed NO interested in wanting one! then another WWII one, AND another new modern pistol as well!! This is when things fell out of hand I told him NO MORE GUNS but he kept begging and begging!! He literally would not stop talking about guns!! It's all he seemed to care about! Finally I just said FINE I'm not arguing with you, it's your money and if you'd rather spend it on those items instead of putting it towards buying a home and starting a family, that's up to you.
> 
> ...


Your H is in name only. I'll be blunt...your H sees you as a friend and room mate. With exception of guns I too was the video game a-hole who ignored his W. I claimed it was a "hobby" and said that my W sucked the life out of everything. Exactly like your H.(no pills for me though) 

Yes, the game playing does relieve stress. But, it becomes a substitute for a W. It is all your H wants to do. Day, night, weekends and when not playing either on the game forums or talking via headset with others into the same video game. 

What to do? Leave. It is the only way to have your H realize what he is doing is not going to work. Married people do not go and drop $7000.00 on items that both do not have some agreement on. Sure, you agreed on one or two pistols. Not a arsenal. What if you went and purchased a VW beetle from 1968 for $7000.00. You want a piece of history right(snow job your H did with that comment). Would your H be all for the VW? Bet not. 

Your H is a child and not ready for marriage. Think about pulling the plug. It is the only way to wake his arse up. This is how my W woke my game playing arse up.

One other item, check the side effects of his medication. Maybe it does keep his joystick soft. Maybe not.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> THANK GOD I live in Canada. Good lord.


And yet no one ever gets shot by them around here. It's so confusing. My thought is that they're so scary looking that the bad guys intent on doing bad things are too scared to pick them up.

Honestly, an AK isn't that big a deal. One of the local firearms stores around here was selling a bona-fide 1930's tommy gun a while back... Now that was something to salivate over. I'd love to own one, just to mount on the wall. Hell, I'd give up the firing pins. Don't need to shoot it, it'd be fun to make up stories about my family and Al Capone during Prohibition to tell kids...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> On what freaking planet is it OK for average Joe citizen to own an AK 47??? Is he a member of some kind of Aryan Brotherhood or something?? WTF?


Oh, Dearie.....you have no idea. None!

I served ~40 years in the Army/Reserves/Guard. 

Having an arsenal and a full guncase is the norm, not the exception for military members. 
@tearyeyed: On the AK-47? I assume it is semi-auto...not full auto, am I right?

Having a [after 1986 made] fully automatic machine gun requires a Federal Firearms license, FFL, basically a dealers license. It would not surprise me if they [now] cost near $5000.00 annually. 

You can buy older automatic MG's, but your criminal record and paperwork had better be in perfect shape. You will need your local sheriff to sign off on Form 4, with set of your finger prints and approval of ATF Bureau. Plus a $200 Tax stamp. Not easy. Not cheap. An older fully auto MG will cost 10K and up.

Apparently his flesh gun needs a work over by a gun smith...not your job.

Owning guns can be OK, if they do not break the bank. They are an excellent investment. They hold their value and rare ones go up in value, faster then inflation.

Trade this kid in for a man.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Oh, Dearie.....you have no idea. None!


I know, It's a totally foreign concept to me. And I'm glad it is


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

OP, I was in the same situation at about your age. Instead of guns it was $7000 a pop telescopes and endless computer equipment and, I earned twice what he did (although he too earned a good salary).

I don’t know what was in his mind but for my H it was as if he was thinking “woo hoo, I now have access to all this money and I can buy all the toys I want”. I didn’t complain about the toys (maybe I should have) because we were making good money $200k per year (in 1989). What I did complain about was him playing with his toys (mostly the computers) during _all _the time he was at home … that, and the no sex, which stopped when he bought his first toy soon after marriage.

I was stupid … I hired house-cleaners and such instead of nagging him about chores (he did _nothing _on the domestic front), I tried being more seductive … you know, a good little wife.  I tried all kinds of things for years and then, just when I had given up and was seriously considering divorce we ”inherited” a small child from a relative of his that passed away. Guess who raised her and attended to all her needs? At that point I was trapped in a situation of my own making. :banghead:

The moral of this (and your) story is that you can spend years spinning your wheels trying to get your husband to “act like a husband and join the marriage” or you can decide now that you are not going to carry this man-child through life and act accordingly. How I wish that I could go back in time and slap the young woman that I was and tell her that she is being “used and neglected” (as are you) and to give the man-child an ultimatum and 6 months to become a proper husband and, if he failed divorce him.

Don’t be me. Tell him to grow up, demand better treatment or, kick him to the curb.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> THANK GOD I live in Canada. Good lord.


Easy to say....THIS

You have 50-million Hillbillies south of the border who will protect your unarmed butt if the Flag goes up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Easy to say....THIS
> 
> You have 50-million Hillbillies south of the border who will protect your unarmed butt if the Flag goes up.


Is this really what Americans think -that us poor old unarmed Frozen Northers are all huddled up here in the cold, doing our polite thing, secure in the knowledge that those big strong manly MERICANS WITH GUNS will come running up to save poor little old us if we need it???


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Is this really what Americans think -that us poor old unarmed Frozen Northers are all huddled up here in the cold, doing our polite thing, secure in the knowledge that those big strong manly MERICANS WITH GUNS will come running up to save poor little old us if we need it???


I'll be there, about mid-pack.

I will wear my Kevlar Jock Cup when I come-a-knockin!

And I will save your butt...and bring a spare pistol for ya!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Is this really what Americans think -that us poor old unarmed Frozen Northers are all huddled up here in the cold, doing our polite thing, secure in the knowledge that those big strong manly MERICANS WITH GUNS will come running up to save poor little old us if we need it???


Surely you know that some posters just like to poke fun at other posters.

And surely you now that not all Americans think the same. Just become some guy on the internet makes a joke does not make it so.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Surely you know that some posters just like to poke fun at other posters.
> 
> And surely you now that not all Americans think the same. Just become some guy on the internet makes a joke does not make it so.


Of course I know that. I do wonder, though, because I hear that sentiment expressed quite a bit. I am truly and genuinely curious if that's what our southern neighbours think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Of course I know that. I do wonder, though, because I hear that sentiment expressed quite a bit. I am truly and genuinely curious if that's what our southern neighbors think.


This is turning into a thread jack. So start a thread and ask. I'm sure that some here just might have an opinion... just maybe >


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think the original topic is the OPs husband spending $7K on his hobby (whatever that hobby is). As someone else posted, 7K may be a lot of money or trivial depending on his income. 

A hobby should never consume enough money to be a large financial impact on a couple unless it is a hobby that they both enjoy. In any case if he spends that on his hobby, the OP should be able to spend an equivalent on things that she wants.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

tearyeyed said:


> I woke him up the other night and we got in a big argument. I again bothered him about his gun purchases and then he called me a lot of nasty names!! He said "You literally suck the joy out of everything I do. I have a job I hate, and I have to come home to a nagging annoying wife who sucks the joy out of everything in my life" This was really hurtful to me. Finally I told him it seems like you care more about the guns than you do me, well then you can have your guns because If you buy one more we are getting a divorce. I also told him if he knows what's good for him he will sell one of the guns to get rid of it because he already spent too much.


Hey "you need to tell him..." crowd: Did you all miss this part? She told him. He knows. What he DOESN'T know is how serious she is about it. To him, It's an occasional hassle. But she's ready to leave.

Disconnect? I'd say so.

You won't be "telling him" anything he doesn't already know. Letting him know how serious you are is a whole new ballgame. The only time I've ever seen it work is when the wife is already gone. That works like a charm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people have gotten themselves hung up on the guns.

But $7,000 in a year on guns, on collecting bricks, on horse bridles, or on old cheese boards, there's something wrong, there.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Tearyeyed;

A few thoughts from a male gun collector of several decades.

(1) You said you live in an apartment. That is a big problem in my mind for a gun collector. You H needs a proper gun safe for his collection. Insist on his getting one sized for his current collection and ammo. He should have both locked up most of the time, especially when no one is home.

(2) The physical size of the gun safe will force him at some point to start selling things if he wants to add something. (I have two gun safes in my house and no room for any more firearms.) If I really want something new, I have to get rid of something. I haven't bought anything in several years, because I like what I have.

(3) Ask him about his collection. What is it he is collecting or is he just randomly buying? It sounds like he is randomly buying. I know people who collect only Mauser rifles built prior to 1938, or military rifles prior to the end of WW2, or Colt .22 caliber handguns, or only certain kinds of single action pistols. These are a very narrow focus and yet there are lots and lots of choices. And yes, I have the money to spend on my hobby.

(4) Is he paying retail for his random purchases? Does he have a Curio & Relic federal firearms license where he can buy certain old or military collectable firearms at a huge discount?

But most importantly is he acting within some kind of agreed upon family budget? Should the two of you be saving for a home down-payment? Your next car? Do you have financial plans?

In the USA there are on average about 90 firearms for every 100 people. That includes children and those that are not legally allowed to own firearms. As such the typical firearm owner has often a dozen or more firearms.

It can be a good hobby and one where some of the objects appreciate significantly in value, especially when you fill out a collection that is worth more than the individual pieces. But to do that, you need to have a narrow focus. I have several firearms I purchased that have gone from $200 to 4-figures over about 15 years. But is should still be a hobby and not a consuming passion or use all of a families funds.


Good luck, it sounds like he has a control problem and needs to learn a little self discipline.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Hey "you need to tell him..." crowd: Did you all miss this part? She told him. He knows. What he DOESN'T know is how serious she is about it. To him, It's an occasional hassle. But she's ready to leave.
> 
> Disconnect? I'd say so.
> 
> You won't be "telling him" anything he doesn't already know. Letting him know how serious you are is a whole new ballgame. The only time I've ever seen it work is when the wife is already gone. That works like a charm.


You are right. This is a key point. She gave him an ultimatum. That is not a good thing to do in a marriage.

If she is uncomfortable with her ultimatum, she should walk it back quickly and see if she can't get some kind of compromise.

If she is happy with the ultimatum, then she needs to live with the consequences and allow him to decide the fate of their marriage based on his likely immature behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, the game playing does relieve stress. But, it becomes a substitute for a W.


Only if you allow it. Women often have a hard time standing up for themselves in their marriage, naturally less aggressive, less willing to take a stand.

But that's what you have to do. Not in a 'your ass is grass' kind of way - nobody will listen to you if you confront them; they'll just defend themselves and stop listening. So you have to be smart about it. A mix of 'I love you but I can't stay married like this' and 'baby, we can make this marriage a great one and we'll have a ton of fun together.

What was your family like, growing up?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Surely you know that some posters just like to poke fun at other posters.
> 
> And surely you now that not all Americans think the same. Just become *some guy* on the internet makes a joke does not make it so.


 @EleGirl

Some guy?......... 

Bah!

Hope from Canada "gets" me.....
And my humour.... However, she will not get to drop kick me !! >
I am still pretty spry!
.......................................................................................................................

Yours' is another pretty head that is "yet" hard.
My God Women, all those heart warming Post-Toasties I have set on your plate.
And the wordy worldly skin lotion that I slathered on those posts. How is it that your heart strings have yet to thaw?

I have given you everything needed to soften your disposition.

........................................................................................................................

Some Guy? #*&%^ !!

The Cheek!

My blood line goes back Centuries. I am the legend of Homer. 
You offed Ullysesheart...you did. Not in malice, not in spite, but in blindness, in ne-science.
He is still in a blue lipped limbo...drifting somewhere between Mars and Earth. Gamma and X-Rays from dead Supernovae now penetrate his thin skin.

But you and the Red Queen did not get the jewels in the midst. The jewels that Red Dog kept in his sack. 

In the few years left in me, I will sanitize the world with SunCMars light. 

And you WILL eat my honeyed oatmeal....or you will get no soft pudding. *You will remain another brick in "The Crying Shame Wall".... of Humanity.
*
Eat the oatmeal-

Else, you will forever be:
Hard of Head
Hard of Eye
Hard of Hearing
Hard of Heart

Oatmeal reduces the fatty acid cholesterol in our human interactions. In our fat heads.
It softens the hardest of heads. 

Those heads made of: Carbide, Diamond, Ceramic and the hardest made of
Wurtzite boron nitride and Lonsdaleite 

:scratchhead:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tearyeyed said:


> So what can I do? What have I done that's wrong to make him feel this way?


You can do nothing.

You and your husband are not compatible.

You have matured, he has not. He has regressed. He is unreasonable.
.....................................................................................................................
When good meets bad the resultant force is always a painful one for the good. 
The good becomes less.....some of the goodness is canceled out. 

Bad for the Good. Less bad for the bad. 

Your husband does not have many of the good qualities that a married man needs. 
He is not desirous of these traits.

Let him go.


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## tearyeyed (May 8, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the advice. He seems to have taken my ultimatum seriously and actually took the dog for a walk with me yesterday after work! I loved that. I just hope that he keeps this behavior up I dont want us to fall down the same path again in another month. I will definitely mention to him about having a budget and managing finances as a couple. Thanks. We will see where it goes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

turnera said:


> Only if you allow it. Women often have a hard time standing up for themselves in their marriage, naturally less aggressive, less willing to take a stand.
> 
> But that's what you have to do. Not in a 'your ass is grass' kind of way - nobody will listen to you if you confront them; they'll just defend themselves and stop listening. So you have to be smart about it. A mix of 'I love you but I can't stay married like this' and 'baby, we can make this marriage a great one and we'll have a ton of fun together.
> 
> What was your family like, growing up?


I got one better that my W used on me...."Drop the constant video game playing or my arse is out the door." I found it was much better hugging my W at night as opposed to hugging a gaming machine and the wrong kind of joystick. :grin2:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Some people have gotten themselves hung up on the guns.
> 
> But $7,000 in a year on guns, on collecting bricks, on horse bridles, or on old cheese boards, there's something wrong, there.


Why? OP never answered the question about their income. If someone makes $500,000 per year, why can ANYONE spend $7,000 on a hobby?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

tearyeyed said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. He seems to have taken my ultimatum seriously and actually took the dog for a walk with me yesterday after work! I loved that. I just hope that he keeps this behavior up I dont want us to fall down the same path again in another month. I will definitely mention to him about having a budget and managing finances as a couple. Thanks. We will see where it goes.



Soooooooo......some people need the WORDS. You have to gush, about how nice it was that he walked with you, and you love the together time. Every time he does something positive you HAVE to give him positive affirmation. Some people need this. 

Maybe look into "His Needs, Her Needs". 

SOME guys think that if they bring home money, especially at a job that they hate, that they've done their job. And they don't get that that isn't what we NEED. And really, all of us tend to give the other person what WE need, cuz we think that is normal; what anyone needs. So "His Needs, Her Needs" shows the priorities of each partner and what they need, and also how to give the other partner what THEY need. 

The idea is not to ***** at him til he does it your way.... but to find a happy medium so that you are both happy, both getting what you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The idea is also to stop ACCEPTING being his backup plan. He won't sit down and have dinner with the family? Pick up the food, take your kids out in the back yard, and have a picnic. EXCLUDE HIM.

If he won't pick up his clothes, STOP PICKING THEM UP FOR HIM. If you can't stand leaving his dirty clothes around the house, pick them up and pile them up in front of his side of the bed.

Women get taken for granted because THEY LET IT, because they're busy trying to kiss up to the man to get him to be like he was when you were dating. Doesn't work. Make it clear, without being a jerk, that YOU deserve as much respect as him, and you won't settle for less. In other words, he just might lose you if he doesn't wake up.

But this requires YOU making that clear.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

Chris Taylor said:


> Why? OP never answered the question about their income. If someone makes $500,000 per year, why can ANYONE spend $7,000 on a hobby?




This is the key issue. If they are barely scraping by and basic or medical expenses not getting paid, etc, then any hobby is a problem. If they have some agreed upon budgeted amount for his and hers fun money, she can spend it on drinks with girlfriends or knitting or whatever, and he can spend it on guns or comic books or antique cars or whatever. 


Is it guns that bothers you? Or is it that he's spending $$ on any hobby at all? 

If he was spending $7k on guitars or car parts or flying lessons or a wine collection would that be ok with you?

I'm getting a controlling vibe.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Did the obsession with guns escalate around the same time that his penis stopped working? :|

I mean sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; but other times. . . .


If he's on anti-depressants, or blood pressure meds----they will adversely affect his ability to get and sustain an erection.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm in much the same situation, yet I can't say much since my hubby has a good paying job that he workes hard at, pays most of the bills, pays child support, etc.

Although I'm not thrilled with his new found gun hobby, he's responsible with it and has a friend who has a large span of private land with tons of safe target range. In addition, his friend is very particular who goes out to shoot on his land and checks all guns for safety before allowing anyone to shoot out there. 

What I'm not a fan of is the expense, but again I can's say much as he works hard for his money while supporting our family. I have made it clear though that I don't want them in the house and he respects that so he stores them elsewhere in a locked vault cabinet.

Being an ex police officer, he understands my concern and even I don't know where he keeps them; which is a good thing. Whether locked in a vault cabinet or not, anyone could break into a home and demand the combination at gunpoint.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

memyselfandi said:


> I'm in much the same situation, yet I can't say much since my hubby has a good paying job that he workes hard at, pays most of the bills, pays child support, etc.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Sounds like a very responsible gun owner and a good husband. 
Agreeing on a fun money budget that you don't have to answer to as long as you are sticking to it is a great way to manage this kind of conflict.


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