# She doesn't want to be judged, umm...what?



## wend (Aug 5, 2011)

My wife is a serial cheater. She's cheated on me several times, and our marriage is wrecked. D-Day has come and gone (several times), so there's plenty out in the open.

Yesterday, in the course of conversation she gets very emotional and starts talking about how she feels judged all the time, even using the phrase "everything I do is wrong."

I had just gotten back from a trip, and upon returning noticed two sets of high heels that had been left out. She doesn't go out very often at all, so I immediately became suspicious and simply asked her about it. I asked if she had gone out, mentioning that I had noticed the heels. Later it became apparent that my question seemed to be the source of her feeling of being judged.

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond. I kept my cool, and tried to listen, though I certainly wasn't a very active listener.

Truth is, I was appalled, and I felt like this was an attempt at manipulation, basically spinning the situation to make her the victim. All I could think is how being judged does indeed suck, but that's nothing next to betrayal, lies, and an almost daily dose of triggers.

Any thoughts? Am I missing the boat on this one? How could/should I have responded?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

wend said:


> How could/should I have responded?


File on her multiple cheating azz.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

wend said:


> My wife is a serial cheater. She's cheated on me several times, and our marriage is wrecked. D-Day has come and gone (several times), so there's plenty out in the open.
> 
> Yesterday, in the course of conversation she gets very emotional and starts talking about how she feels judged all the time, even using the phrase "everything I do is wrong."
> 
> ...



*I wasn't entirely sure how to respond.*

In one simple word. DIVORCE


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why are you still in this marriage? TBH, yeah I think you missed something. The chance to get out of this mess a long time ago after the first reconciliation you two tried to make failed. JMO.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> File on her multiple cheating azz.


this made me lol

OP, typical victim mentality. She's so self absorbed she doesn't see what her actions do to other people.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Already been said and you know what you have to do but I have a feeling you're just gonna suffer through this because you love her soooo much.

BTW, learn to love yourself 1st. In doing so you learn to love others even more. What's the phrase, if you can't even love yourself then how can you love someone else.


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## wend (Aug 5, 2011)

I've already made the decision to divorce her. I guess my only reason for putting any more effort into this is the hope that maybe she'd come around (even though I know better).

But thanks everyone for the honesty. I guess maybe I just needed a little reassurance. It's hard to let go of hope when you've got two kids whose lives are about to be up-ended.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

wend said:


> I've already made the decision to divorce her. I guess my only reason for putting any more effort into this is the hope that maybe she'd come around (even though I know better).
> 
> But thanks everyone for the honesty. I guess maybe I just needed a little reassurance. It's hard to let go of hope when you've got two kids whose lives are about to be up-ended.


She would never stop cheating so even if she did come around you'd be right back here again at a later date. 

You didn't have a choice and never had any hope. Get to the acceptance stage and deal with your new reality.


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

when you asked the question about the shoes, she reacted the way a cheater reacts when they are first caught, yes she did wear them out and had a good time


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

do the 180 and go dark for your own mental heath


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

wend said:


> I've already made the decision to divorce her. I guess my only reason for putting any more effort into this is the hope that maybe she'd come around (even though I know better).
> 
> But thanks everyone for the honesty. I guess maybe I just needed a little reassurance. It's hard to let go of hope when you've got two kids whose lives are about to be up-ended.


Hope??? Really????

It is hard with kids involved, but remember this - she is the one that trashed the marriage, she is the one who put her selfishness ahead of you, the marriage and the kids.

You did nothing to cause this. It is a consequence of the choices she made.

I laughed at the thought of a serial cheater saying she did not like to be judged. I'm fairly sure that felons don't much care for the judgement and punishment either.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Of course her cheating is your fault.
You are way too judgemental.
If you are not too judgemental you are too controlling.
If you are not too controlling then you don't trust her.
If you you do really trust her, it's becuase you forgot to pick up your underwear once 7 years ago.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

to make you feel guilty and ward off the suspicions


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Never got an answer either did you?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

In this case, 180 + Divorce = self-respect, dignity and sanity.
Obviously D is mentioned so easily and lightly that it sounds like such an easy road to take. Nobody here thinks that, its just so obvious what the RIGHT thing to do is when ur not in the bubble. 

You know it will be hard but it is RIGHT. When times get tough during D process just know and take satisfaction that you are getting tons more respect from her in D than you ever could from her in marriage. 

and come on.. the prospect of her grovelling before you (if she does) has got to be supremely satisfying. Again, 180.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Why do you even care how to respond? 

I know you have two kids, which really makes this more complicated, but they would be better of too see you happy. 

Get the hell out of there, drop it like its hott man. Get the divorce paper served, what are you a man or a punching bag? Seriously I can't believe you stuck it out with her doing this too you. Man up, get your balls back from her and get the papers executed. 

Also get a couple girls on the side and start getting laid again to get your mind off all the horrible mess your wife has caused to your life. 

It is time for you to think of you and your children. the mother is a HOE!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You got your answer, she hooked up while you were gone. Her response is a classic cheater response to change the subject and put you on the defensive.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Are you married to my husband's ex-wife? Also a serial cheater. Also didn't like to be "judged." Immortalized for the statement: "I am NOT defined by my relationships!" http://chumplady.com/stupid-sh*t-cheaters-say/

(To see that cartoon, put the "i" back in sh*t. The filter here exes out naughty words.)

Point being -- she's a joke. A painful joke right now, but chiming in with everyone else. She's an unrepentant serial cheater. There's no hope for these people. They're usually personality disorders. 

Check out my blog. Also check out Dr. George K Simon, Author, In Sheep. Also read up on PDs at Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support and see if any of those 100 signs fit her. 

But yeah, you need to lawyer up and be gone. There's nothing to say to her.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Self pity mode is typical of a self centered person. 

Cheaters are self centered. Self pity is used to manipulate and control others. 

Of course she is being judged. She cheated. 

Oh poor her, now you don't trust her. 

What the heck does she expect. 

She may have a personality disorder because she is so blind to her faults and your pain.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't want to be judged? Stop doing that kind of crap!


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