# Yo yo emotions during seperation/divorce



## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

I have done enough research now to know I'm back and forth between the grief bullet points. 
Exeptance sadness. Ect. 

We was together 18 years and I'm beyond sad 
If he didn't loose his mind we wouldn't of broke up. But he is beyond unwell and very threatening aggressive and unsafe to be around my children. 

his parents are no help. Im left with my 4 Children no one helps. They are really good kids too. 

I'm honestly struggling so bad. I was okay until about a week and a half ago. 
He turned up and caused a argument. I had to call police to remove him And since then has been re sectioned for his mentle health. 

I tried to speak with him the day he was sectioned last week and I just get told me and my kids are going to die ect. Ect. 
So I can't talk to him anymore. 
His parents blame me for not doing enough. His sister blame me for giving up on him 


I know he isn't well but he is a completely different person and I realise that our relationship is over.
We sperated over a year ago. I tried to support him and he won't allow me too.
So I have to stay away for my own sanity. 


That being said. Everything reminds me of who he was. He worked in Construction so every time I see work men. I break down. 
Every little memory or reminder or similarity is triggering intense pain emotionally I can't take it. 

Last couple days all I do is cry and sleep. 
Feel depressed and feel like I will never be happy again. 
I love my children they are my life but I'm struggling to keep my head together. 
They are usually enough to keep me focused. 

I can't think straight. 

I only have 1 friend and she is probably sick of me by now
. 
I have all these children aged 18 to 4 and no one is going to want me. And I can't have any more kids either. 
Not that I would want any more. 
I'm about to be a grandma too in April 

I know it's too early relationships that but that's the despair I'm feeling. It feels so real and I can't shift it. 

Anyone else have any advice on how I'm to cope with this please. I'm loosing the will to live! Nothing helps. Nothing makes it better or Evan eases the pain. 
I have tried anti depressants. Not good. Make me ill. And stop me sleeping. 

I have valijm for panic attacks. Don't like taking pills I want to process my pain naturally.
It would be easy to pop them daily and feel okay but I refuse to do that. It's not healthy. 

I have one friend from church and I'm pretty sure she is sick of my train wreck emotional state. 

Anyone going through or been through this and can help please. 

I'm so fragile right now and struggling to feel normal 

I just want to look faward to something. Anything. And my emotions won't let me


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Just-Jennfer said:


> I have done enough research now to know I'm back and forth between the grief bullet points.
> Exeptance sadness. Ect.
> 
> We was together 18 years and I'm beyond sad
> ...


This is all very very sad and hurtful. THAT is why you feel so emotional and vulnerable, because your heart has been dragged around and stomped on, and your dream of a life with the man you loved was shattered.

I am SO sorry!!!

I understand what you are going through - the situation a little bit, and the feelings ALOT.

What has happened is that your marriage and the life you wanted and planned on having was killed. It's dead and gone. You cannot get it back. And that is why you are grieving and struggling like you are. You are dealing with a DEATH.

And I hate to say this, but the only way to get over it is THROUGH it. You must experience all these feelings over and over until they lessen and eventually change. I don't think they will ever go away, they just turn into something that isn't as painful anymore.

In my experience, taking Valium for the pain is as helpful as getting drunk -- it's NOT. 
Valium will only postpone your grief, it won't relieve it. You need to learn to live with it, not block it out or ignore it.

What has helped me the most is journaling and just FEELING my feelings when I have them. I don't push them away or fight with them, I let them come, I acknowledge them, and then I let them pass. If I need to close my door and lay on my bed and cry, that's exactly what I do. And I promise you, they will always pass, no matter how strong they feel at first.

You are feeling despair because you feel hopeless...but NOTHING is hopeless!!! You WILL feel better someday. You WILL find happiness again. This WILL pass.

I think you should try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel or behave a certain way. Your life is crappy right now and you are in alot of pain -- you have NO reason to be ashamed of that, and you are entitled to grieve your loss, no matter how uncomfortable anyone else is about that.

You also need to release yourself from any and all responsibility for HIM. This isn't your fault! You didn't want this, you wouldn't have chosen this for him! Blaming yourself would be like taking the blame for him getting cancer.
It's NOT YOU...this is HIM and what happens with mental illness, unfortunately. 

Have you ever looked online for mental illness support groups? Did you ever check out the divorce group Diana suggested from your other thread? (I've thought of checking them out too!)

Like I said, there isn't much you can do except go through this...there is no easy way out, no fast way. 
Try not to think about the future too much, except having confidence that it WILL be better (it has to be, right?)
And for now, take care of yourself like you would a grieving friend -- watch movies, read books, journal, eat ice cream, cry when you need to.

I also recommend doing something creative that is fun and makes you happy, no matter how silly. What did you enjoy when you were a child? Did you color or crochet or paint? Or you could go away alone for a few hours and walk around or hike, just to center yourself (I love being outside). Could you find an indoor swimming pool and swim? I love the water, it soothes and calms me!!

You need to CARE for yourself. Just like you would for a friend. And slowly you will see your heart healing and your joy returning.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> This is all very very sad and hurtful. THAT is why you feel so emotional and vulnerable, because your heart has been dragged around and stomped on, and your dream of a life with the man you loved was shattered.
> 
> I am SO sorry!!!
> 
> ...


I did check out the divorce group that was previously suggested.

Thank you for taking all that time to give me such a helpful kind and caring response. 
I appreciate your time and effort.
That is significant for me so thank you 

I have been journalism a little bit. 
Last time I felt this a weeks back I got out my pad and wrote down all the losses I felt. Like not being able to laugh at our kids together again 

Not being able to joke around together again 

He was one of the only people that would be able to make me smile regardless of my mood or grumpiness. 
I will try yo be kinder to myself. 
He was massively extreme in the end so I have major ptsd and can't ecan watch movies. 
Only kids films and cartoons 
So I watch cartoons and that helps. 
Thank you 

I have also been using my pastels. I love to draw and create with them. 
I'm not very good but I like them

Your right. I have to sit with the pain that's why I won't take the valium 

I just feel like I give myself whiplash I thought I was okay and getting back to me and bam it hits me 

How did you deal if you don't mind me asking. Sounds like you went through similar. 
How long before you was able to genuinely smile again?

I feel like I date smile all the time.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

Fake smile not date smile sorry typo


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Just-Jennfer said:


> I did check out the divorce group that was previously suggested.
> 
> Thank you for taking all that time to give me such a helpful kind and caring response.
> I appreciate your time and effort.
> ...


You are welcome! If I can help you even a little, I want to try and share what helped me.

I actually love cartoons!!! Especially the more recent kids movies, like the Toy Storys, Wall-E, Finding Nemo, Dory, The Princess and the Frog....they are funny and cute, and make me feel happy and comforted when I need it. I think those are a great idea!

You mentioned having PTSD...are you in counseling? That has really helped people cope as well, so if you think it might benefit you, you should try it. 

Journaling for me is more like, I write out a conversation with myself, and "discuss" how I feel and what it means to me. That's been a huge help for me with my feelings for my whole life, because I have deep feelings that I have trouble handling sometimes, and writing about them allows me to let them out and "contain" them in a way that isn't too messy for me (or anyone else). If you want to make that effort, I highly recommend it.

I think the pastels are a wonderful idea!!! There are also adult coloring books with "mandalas" that are supposedly therapeutic and calming, too.

You talking about whiplash is SO familiar for me...it's been about 18 months now, and back in October, I felt like my heart broke all over again when my divorce was final...it was a terrible feeling and I did NOT expect it at all!!! I wasn't even hurt about losing him (not even a little)...I was suddenly just so sad that I wasn't where I expected to be in my life, and that I was really really ALONE. Which was strange for me because I had been feeling free of all the bad before that.

I just did what I told you to do -- I felt those overwhelming feelings, I went into my room and shut the door, laid on my bed and cried for a little while. I just embraced that pain, and let it pass over me so it would LEAVE...and it did.

Then I got myself up, wiped my eyes, and went out and made lunch and paid the bills and lived my life.

In the beginning, I think I was just a walking tear faucet...I was sniffling and crying all day. I was quiet about it, but the grief and sadness were like a wet blanket. It took several months before I started feeling more like my old self, and started laughing and feeling like I wasn't a failure (I knew I wasn't logically, but my heart wouldn't let it go).

The timing is going to be YOURS though...and you will continue to have good days (and moments) and bad days (and moments). I STILL feel a little unsteady about where I am in my life, but I feel hopeful and certain that I can do and have anything in my life that I want to make happen and work for.

It really is like a death, and we process it the same. And the breakdown of YOUR marriage was very traumatic and ugly, so it's going to be that much more grueling to heal from. But that means you have a tender, caring heart!! Never regret that, because that's a very special type of person to be, it just means you will feel things more harshly.

But it also means you are stronger than you realize, and you WILL be able to find yourself again!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to get a restraining order against him if you haven't already.. that way if he shows up again they can be obligated to pick him up and do something with him again. 

My main worry for you is if he's that screwed up then I don't know how he's going to work and if he's not going to work then how you're going to get child support from him. And also if he's that screwed up then he can't share custody of the children unsupervised. 

So I agree you are in a pickle. But the sooner you get the divorce settled and any assets divided then you can try to make a new start. Once you're divorced, if he can't pay child support or take the kids half the time which is what is the norm in the US so that that leaves you less time to have to worry what to do with them all and time to work, then you can at least apply for welfare if you're in the US. 

Have you talked to any social workers to see if they have any suggestions? They know all the resources.

If he is a danger to the kids, then you either need to get her Court mandate or get CPS involved if he's forcing contact. 

They can tell him to get out of the house. I hope you having an attorney.


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## Just-Jennfer (Jan 12, 2022)

LisaDiane said:


> You are welcome! If I can help you even a little, I want to try and share what helped me.
> 
> I actually love cartoons!!! Especially the more recent kids movies, like the Toy Storys, Wall-E, Finding Nemo, Dory, The Princess and the Frog....they are funny and cute, and make me feel happy and comforted when I need it. I think those are a great idea!
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. 

You have really helped me talking it through. I hope to be able to speak to you more you sound like a beautiful person and believe it or not those kind of people are so hard to come by. So thank you 🥲 

You are right. I do feel things so deeply. Sometimes I wonder if that's normal. I guess it is. We are all different right. 

Yes ptsd. 
I struggle to watch anything like the movies you mentioned. Memories are too painful. From my mum laughing at them to me just being taken back to how things was. 

There was lots of Information online that me and my husband looked into. Regarding abuse of children and how Hollywood is so wrapped up in it all. 
I was abused as a child also. As was my husband. So it stuck. We believed all we read about. As it all made sense. All the people coming out about there abuse from Hollywood. So now it's like I feel like I'm partaking in abuse or Evan just supporting them by watching. I need to get past all that. 
I'm currently on a waiting list for cousiling so hopefully I will be be to get past this. 
Thank you


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