# This is interesting....



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My husband reads most of my posts, and I have no problems with it. Some of the comments I write he agrees with others not so much, he knows I am being honest when posting, sometimes it hurts him a little, but in most cases it has helped both of us towards healing from the affair. I am so grateful for this forum, it's saved us in so many ways.

Anyway, he made the comment recently that he felt I go on the forum too much, that he might keep me in the same "head space" as when I was back in the affair. But, after reading my posts, he took back the comment, and says he has seen a real difference in terms of the way I have been putting more effort into our relationship. He reads some of my posts and says "wow, you've changed so much, and through writing you actually impliment what you write". He'll then come up to me now, and give me a kiss with tears in his eyes, something he hasn't really done until very recently.

Just wanted to thank everyone for helping me in so many ways.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I find it is much easier to write my thoughts on a message board than in a personal diary.

And then you get feedback to boot.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

:smthumbup:

Great update. It's always refreshing to read posts like this one.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I'm happy for you..


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Outstanding!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My wife has almost that same exact reaction. 

Congrats to y'all - keep working together.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

When hubby and I R, I really did not have much hope that our marriage would ever become what it once was. It was never perfect, we are very different in many ways. I take things in stride (drives him nuts sometimes), and him, he at times over analyisizes things to death. But our immediate attraction 25 years ago was because we were so opposite, and eventually we seemed to compliment each other. Over time, we drifted apart, I would say about 8 months before the affair. When we had our two smaller children, things got worse, we were older, and did not expect that they would drain our energy so much. I think it hit the lowest when we stopped having sex months prior to my affair. I was 43, my youngest was 3, and my sex drive was nill. I kept ignoring it, he kept pushing for it, and it only drove us further apart. I was traumatized by a C. section that went horrible, whereby a nurse had to come to our home and treat my opened wound every day while he was at work. I resented the fact that he chose to continue to work when his wife was alone with a baby and a two year old. In retrospect, I realize that after he had not worked for years due to his neck injury, he felt that by working, it was the only way he could feel better about himself, he could now provide for his family. I get that now. I thought he couldn't care less about me.

I really didn't think at that point that anything was going to change, we went to MC, we'd only do the blaming thing, so we gave up on that as well. It was total hell. Then my affair happened.

What surprised me the most was that I never thought I would be happy in my marriage again, even after we decided to R. I thought he would just resent me, and continue to show his hatred towards me. I felt it was doomed. I then found another forum which helped me deal with the withdrawls, my addiction to the feelings OM gave me, it was helpful in that respect. Then when I found this board, I read and read for a long time before having the courage to finally post. Boy was I glad I did. I started to feel hopefull, I let go of my justifications, denial, selfish thinking and started to see things from H.'s perspective. It changed everything it seemed, I started to feel the love I once had for him, something I did not ever feel possible. 

I can actually say I am at a point where I feel happy in my marriage again,, even though some days are hard. We are still able to laugh and have fun which is something that is key in our marriage and I guess in most others.

Anyway, I feel like I'm all over the place here, but I guess my emotions are sometimes as well.

I think the next hurdle that needs to be overcome the ways we sometimes deal with each other when problems occur, he tends to blame me for things that happen, I am a conflict avoider, so I wait to see if it will go away on it's own. We both agree now that one of the issues we have is that I was only 18 when we met, I had no serious b/f's before him, no sexual partners, and I was a very naive and shy girl. I overcame my shyness (he helped with his outgoing personality), and basically grew up. He finally admitted that at times he still sees me as the meek and mild girl I once was, and therefore treats me accordingly. I think it's hard for him to see that I am a confident, outgoing person now, and deep down he wishes I was still her. And this is one of the reasons the affair hurt him so much, he just couldn't believe that this "little shy and meek girl" could do this, added with the level of deceit that was involved. And when I would continue to lie to him when we R. he couldn't understand what had happened to me.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Working,

I am so happy to see you and H doing so well together. You and he sound a lot like my W and myself. She was very introverted when we met and I am a much more dominant personality. She says that I helped bring her out of her shell but I prefer to think that those qualities were always there but she just needed an reason to demonstrate them. I no longer see her as the reserved laid back woman I married many years ago. That person ceased to exist after she had her A. But in many ways that person never really existed at all. I see her now as a very dynamic smart and confident woman. One that had the courage to end her affair and join me in the hard work it took to build a new marriage. Remind your husband that while you might not be the little shy and meek girl he once knew you are now a much more capable and wiser woman. A woman more deserving of his love and one that will form a more enduring union with him going forward. He helped build the better stronger "you" and now you both get to enjoy the fruits of your combined labor.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I find the idea of journalling somehow selfish. We have this amazing resource where we can dump all the things in our heads and at the same time, maybe, just maybe help someone see that these thoughts are not some madness of our own making.

I have picked up so many things just from a single sentence in a persons vent which is still resonant in my mind, this triggers new thoughts and around and around we go.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> When hubby and I R, I really did not have much hope that our marriage would ever become what it once was. It was never perfect, we are very different in many ways. I take things in stride (drives him nuts sometimes), and him, he at times over analyisizes things to death. But our immediate attraction 25 years ago was because we were so opposite, and eventually we seemed to compliment each other. Over time, we drifted apart, I would say about 8 months before the affair. When we had our two smaller children, things got worse, we were older, and did not expect that they would drain our energy so much. I think it hit the lowest when we stopped having sex months prior to my affair. I was 43, my youngest was 3, and my sex drive was nill. I kept ignoring it, he kept pushing for it, and it only drove us further apart. I was traumatized by a C. section that went horrible, whereby a nurse had to come to our home and treat my opened wound every day while he was at work. I resented the fact that he chose to continue to work when his wife was alone with a baby and a two year old. In retrospect, I realize that after he had not worked for years due to his neck injury, he felt that by working, it was the only way he could feel better about himself, he could now provide for his family. I get that now. I thought he couldn't care less about me.
> 
> I really didn't think at that point that anything was going to change, we went to MC, we'd only do the blaming thing, so we gave up on that as well. It was total hell. Then my affair happened.
> 
> ...


Sometimes it takes a crisis to show us what we need to further our personal growth and to make our marriages what we want them to be. An affair is admittedly too drastic, but you needed something to show your love for each other. You no longer lie to him . do you?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Sometimes it takes a crisis to show us what we need to further our personal growth and to make our marriages what we want them to be. An affair is admittedly too drastic, but you needed something to show your love for each other. You no longer lie to him . do you?


Of course I no longer lie to him. Even stranger, is that I cannot even do it, I would feel so guilty, It's a trigger for me now. And there is nothing to lie about, everything about me is in the open now, I'm honest about my feelings, completely.

He said something interesting last night, he said that the affair has not made our marriage better, but the fact that we are communicating more has.

How's it going with you?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Bad, when I said I was still lying during R. I meant at the beginning with all the trickle truth, man did it piss him off, probably more than anything else about the affair.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

ing said:


> I find the idea of journalling somehow selfish. We have this amazing resource where we can dump all the things in our heads and at the same time, maybe, just maybe help someone see that these thoughts are not some madness of our own making.
> 
> I have picked up so many things just from a single sentence in a persons vent which is still resonant in my mind, this triggers new thoughts and around and around we go.


I totally agree.....it's theraputic on so many levels.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Coooool. It sounds like progress to me. 

Keep on _keeping on_, girlfriend.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

JJ: Ok, Joe Dirt! 

working_together: Yours is a true success story for a WS, and one that I hope all of us here on TAM can refer other WS to to help them realize the path they are on and error in their ways.

Terrific outcome!


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

@Dadof3- You like that one, huh.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> Of course I no longer lie to him. Even stranger, is that I cannot even do it, I would feel so guilty, It's a trigger for me now. And there is nothing to lie about, everything about me is in the open now, I'm honest about my feelings, completely.
> 
> He said something interesting last night, he said that the affair has not made our marriage better, but the fact that we are communicating more has.
> 
> How's it going with you?


Well, Working, it's very early to tell, but she is in intensive therapy, and testing to see if any Meds would help her. Hre Psychiatrist told me that it may be a better thing for her if I go ahead and tell her about my plans to divorce. In this way she will have to depend on herself, instead of me, but that she also should be assured of my friendship and support and forgiveness. Its very nebulous to me, but she (psychiatrist) seems to be very self-assured. Meanwhile, I'm still alone and horny>


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Well, Working, it's very early to tell, but she is in intensive therapy, and testing to see if any Meds would help her. Hre Psychiatrist told me that it may be a better thing for her if I go ahead and tell her about my plans to divorce. In this way she will have to depend on herself, instead of me, but that she also should be assured of my friendship and support and forgiveness. Its very nebulous to me, but she (psychiatrist) seems to be very self-assured. Meanwhile, I'm still alone and horny>


I agree with the psychiatrist, she is in a safe place right now in order to digest the reality of it, and will get the help she needs to come to terms with a marriage that will end. You can't give her false hope ya know?

As for the "horny" comment, Bad, be kind to YOURSELF....


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Working,
> 
> I am so happy to see you and H doing so well together. You and he sound a lot like my W and myself. She was very introverted when we met and I am a much more dominant personality. She says that I helped bring her out of her shell but I prefer to think that those qualities were always there but she just needed an reason to demonstrate them. I no longer see her as the reserved laid back woman I married many years ago. That person ceased to exist after she had her A. But in many ways that person never really existed at all. I see her now as a very dynamic smart and confident woman. One that had the courage to end her affair and join me in the hard work it took to build a new marriage. Remind your husband that while you might not be the little shy and meek girl he once knew you are now a much more capable and wiser woman. A woman more deserving of his love and one that will form a more enduring union with him going forward. He helped build the better stronger "you" and now you both get to enjoy the fruits of your combined labor.


I like the way you explained how your wife is, very positive.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Coooool. It sounds like progress to me.
> 
> Keep on _keeping on_, girlfriend.


Never watched Joe Dirt, always hated that guy (the actor), he's sooo sleezy or something like that. lol


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