# Threw dh's porn and lube away in anger!



## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

First of all, it is not the porn that I have issue with, I have issue that my husband only wants to masturbate and not be intimate. I am so tired of asking for intimate affection, all of the time.

I am willing to do about anything with dh. Dress up, toys, bj's, kink, even watch porn together, but I am tired of him not ever seeming interested in being intimate.

It is tearing my self-esteem apart. It is tearing me apart, yet he has the time and energy to masturbate, go on porn websites, etc. He even got a prescription for Viagra, so he can use it to masturbate. I was so angry at that one day that I threw it all out. 

I am angry and frustrated. I have told him numerous times that this will tear us apart, and it is.

Any advice?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I would have never thought anyone would use viagra to masterbate, are you sure he isn't up to no good?


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

Me either! And I am beginning to wonder.

He said that he used it because he thought we might have sex. It is kind of hard to have sex with someone when you don't initiate at all!! But I did notice that he had the lube out in the bathroom.

I only counted when he was at work. Ugh, I don't know. I know that he was sending really too nice texts to an ex-coworker that I saw as too sweet. She never answered him back. She certainly wasn't trying to initiate anything with him. So it was him, not her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give us a bit of background? How long have you been married? how old are the two of you? any children?

How long has your marriage been sexless?

What did he say about you throwing out his things?

He tried to go after an ex-coworker. She's probably not the only one.

If I were you I'd put a VAR in his car... secured to a hidden surface like under the front seat, with some adhesive backed Velcro.

Why does he say that he's not having sex with you?


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

*Can you give us a bit of background? How long have you been married? how old are the two of you? any children?
*
_We have been married for 6 years. _


*How long has your marriage been sexless?*
_The last year and a half has been the worst. It is the number one thing that we argue about. _

*What did he say about you throwing out his things?*
_He hasn't said anything yet, because he is at work right now, so he doesn't know. I didn't apologize when I threw out the viagra as well. I told him that I was extremely hurt that he would rather use it for himself and not for 'us'._

*He tried to go after an ex-coworker. She's probably not the only one.*
_And no, I think he is the kind of guy who went after someone that he thought he had a chance with. She was not interested._

If I were you I'd put a VAR in his car... secured to a hidden surface like under the front seat, with some adhesive backed Velcro.

*Why does he say that he's not having sex with you?*
_That he is stressed out, feels pressured. That he tries, which he does not. He only waits until I am absolutely angry and at my end. Which is about right now, I think I am worth more as a person. The reason I have stayed is for the kids. _

Also, I wouldn't care if he masturbated 20 times a day if we were intimate more than maybe once every two weeks. And that ONLY happens because I get so freaking angry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a book that you might find helpful.

Amazon.com: He's Just Not Up for It Anymore eBook: Bob Berkowitz, Susan Yager-Berkowitz: Books

I understand why you threw out this stuff. His reaction will be interesting.

However, I think that you would be best to pull back for a while and not bring it up.

Look at the link to the 180 link below. Take that and customize it to your situation. You need to pull back from him emotionally. You trying to push him for sex makes you look needy. It will only drive him away further and it will not do a thing for you.

When he gets home just don't say anything. If he says something about the stuff you threw out, just say that you cleaned up.

What he's doing is that he's playing a passive aggressive game with you. He's acting like a victim who cannot get it up.. poor guy. So when you talk to him about sex, this makes you (in his eyes) the *****y nagging wife. It's a perfect way to punish you. And he has the perfect excuse for saying that he's not punishing you... nope he's got ED poor guy.

Stop playing the game. Read the book suggested above. Do the modified 180. And get yourself into counseling. 

If you stop playing your part in his passive aggressive game he will have to start looking for other ways to get your goat. Then, tell him that for the marriage to continue he has to go to counseling with you. 

Passive aggressive games only work if both people play their part.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

You are correct, he is extremely passive aggressive.

I took your advise and put the porn back, but did throw away all of the lube. Not that that would stop him.  

I know he isn't going to ask me if I took all the lube, because he would basically telling me that he is in the mood to masturbate at that moment. 

I am seriously at my wits end. At this point I am beginning to not care. I have been open with him and told him point blank that when I stop caring it will mean that I stop caring for him as well.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

roostr said:


> I would have never thought anyone would use viagra to masterbate, are you sure he isn't up to no good?


:iagree: How long have you all been married? More importantly, how long has this been an issue in your marriage? :scratchhead: What is your marriage like outside of the bedroom?


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

We have been married for 6 years. It is relatively normal, although I have begun to resent him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IceQueen said:


> You are correct, he is extremely passive aggressive.
> 
> I took your advise and put the porn back, but did throw away all of the lube. Not that that would stop him.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your H does things in a way to make sure that you know that he is masturbating and viewing porn instead of having a sexual relationship with you. This goes along with the idea that it's a passive aggressive way to hurt you.

there comes a point where the only thing you can do is to not care anymore. And with that moving on and leaving the marriage is often what follows.

I do highly suggest that you do what is necessary to find out if he's cheating. A large % of men who stop having sex with their wives get it elsewhere. If men do not have an external outlet (porn, heavy masturbation and cheating) they generally do not w/h from having sex with their wife.


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## Godot (Feb 21, 2014)

I can sympathize! I have been married 6 years as well, and I am ready and willing to have sex and my husband masterbates. I will be following to see if you have a breakthrough. Honestly I have considered having an affair, and that is not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Godot said:


> I can sympathize! I have been married 6 years as well, and I am ready and willing to have sex and my husband masterbates. I will be following to see if you have a breakthrough.


Men refusing sex with their wife is far more common than we were led on to believe. Did you see the book link above. I found it very helpful.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

don't throw his masturbation lube away! Just fill the bottle with hot sauce instead! :rofl:


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

This is a example of a guy with a porn addiction. OP you did that right thing.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

IceQueen said:


> I am willing to do about anything with dh. Dress up, toys, bj's, kink, even watch porn together, but I am tired of him not ever seeming interested in being intimate.


Wow. I wish my wife were interested in doing *any* of those things.



IceQueen said:


> He even got a prescription for Viagra, so he can use it to masturbate.


I've got nothing against porn, but it would never in a million years occur to me to use Viagra! I would take an inability to get erect as a definite sign to lay off spanking the monkey for a while, not to double down. Your husband is a serious porn addict, and if he hasn't gotten your message by now, I don't think he's going to.


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