# Signing Up For Dating??? Am I NUTS????



## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Ok, so on a whim I up and thought, "sure, a date now and then might be fun" and signed up for a dating website. Now I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I haven't dated since I was a teenager, really. Does giggling and batting your eyelashes still have any part of an adult dating gig???? I have NO clue what to do. Sigh. Plus my inner voice (the one that is always right and I SHOULD LISTEN TO) tells me "Are you CRAZY???? You've barely left an 18 year marriage. WHAT are you thinking????" Please tell me I'm not alone in doing foolish things....gotta start listening to that voice. The mark on my finger from my wedding ring is STILL there and I HATE IT. Well, is there harm in casual dates now and then? Ugh. I feel rather silly.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I'd be lying if I said that same idea hadn't crossed my mind. Like you it has been a long time since I was in that arena. I would like to just meet some people, make some new friends because obviously the old friends have disappeared. My mom made me promise NOT to get into online dating. But I'm far from being 20 something! Another subject of life of which I am clueless!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Promise not to do online dating?? Ok so I have this friend in her late 40s. She still says that she won't date a man she meets in a bar. That's like two stigmas ago. Online dating is totally acceptable and certainly meeting a guy face to face (as in a bar) is fine, too.

The bottom line is this: are YOU online? Yes, you are 

anyhoo my divorce will be final next week or the week after. I don't want to date anyone seriously but going out to dinner would be nice!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

FINALLY!!! Three yesses in a row! We've been getting a lot of no's no's on this one, especially from the guys! As soon as I settle into my new place I am seriously cobsidering that. It's been FOREVER and a day since I dated. And to be honest, I really miss seeing and being with a woman who smiles and is happy being with me for once. I mentioned a while back on this forum and sorta felt like I was odd man out about dating. I don't want to get into a long term relation right now. I'm not ready and after just getting out of a 36 year relationship I'm not ready for that. But I sure as hell am ready to have a great time with someone just going out on a date. I really miss the company - joyful, positive, exciting, feeling alive again company.

Unfortunately, I am still land locked in this in house separation and it is stifling my ability to do anything. Tomorrow we have people coming to see the house for a second viewing, I need all your good wishes thrown my way so I can move on. It's been incredibly difficult.

Dating? YES!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

And yes WS; I think giggling still works. Not sure about the eye batting (maybe), I can tell you that a simple smile can go a long way at the right time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Ok, so others are thinking about it, too. And no, I'm not looking for my 'soul mate' etc.....been there done that and look how well that worked out  I just thought it might be fun to try meeting new people. I'm not sold on the idea of meeting a future mate online, but having fun might be ok.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Nobody has the right to tell you what your doing is wrong because they are not you. Sometimes, if people have been emotionally checked out of the M for a long time before the actual D they may very well be ready to date. Every situation is different.

I know I'm not ready to meet anyone for anything other than friendship, and that is what is best for me. You need to do what is best for YOU.

Personally, I have too many friends who have had bad experiences with people that they've met online so I don't think that is an avenue I will ever take, but never say never. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Never say never, DG. Everyone on the damn planet is online. I have met tons of wonderful people through the internet.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

That was the last line I wrote. 

I have met many wonderful people as well, some of them I've known for 13 years or so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My writing sucks today. I was agreeing with you


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

staircase said:


> Promise not to do online dating?? Ok so I have this friend in her late 40s. She still says that she won't date a man she meets in a bar. That's like two stigmas ago. Online dating is totally acceptable and certainly meeting a guy face to face (as in a bar) is fine, too.
> 
> The bottom line is this: are YOU online? Yes, you are
> 
> anyhoo my divorce will be final next week or the week after. I don't want to date anyone seriously but going out to dinner would be nice!


I have to confess that I met H in a bar and we were married 23 years, knew each other for 25, have 2 great kids. I was 25 at the time. Cannot forget his "line"... "Do you always dance with your beer?" That story still makes me smile.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

WC: I registered for online dating in the first week when my STBXH left for his first camping trip. I was beside myself and absolutely not ready; it was in retaliation with his EA.

But I met a man and we had a few drinks and listened to a band and sat on a bench to look at the river and I was NOT ready. He kept grabbing my hand and trying to hug me. Yuck.

He continued to hound me for over 3 months. I told him I was not ready that did not deter this maniac. Finally, he got the message through his brick skull that I was not ready. He meant well but the persistence was a little off putting.

Anyway, I am starting to get ready now and I have looked at quite a few sites and it will be fun.

I haven't felt like this in a long time. I know today everything is going to be just fine and when you are ready you will definitely know. Don't push yourself if you aren't it's not worth it.

But we will HAVE FUN again!


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

I have just started on-line dating and have met two women so far. It has been the most ego/confidence boosting experience I have had since forever, and it was sorely needed. I feel like a whole new man again and it has made me realise that my ex is the one who is missing out here, not me. I've got my life back and it feels soooo good.

My advice - if you think you can, then do.

Regards

Gammy - (no longer the most depressed man on the planet)


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I too am not ready to date, but am putting myself out there with the hopes that maybe I the right person will help me forget about being ready. Last night went out to a buddy's party, turned into a night of salsa dancing - I'm no dancer (paralyze with fear) and barely even got on the floor but I was starting to fall in love just with it watching the amazing dancing going on - I've always had trepidation for dance particularly latin dance, I've seen most of these same people perform but it just is not the same as when it just a big group of people, really sexy people of all shapes and sizes being sexy and doing what they want the most, and it was awesome and even a little emotional for me - why have I made it so impossible my whole life to try new things?? Anyways they had a workshop today and I joined the beginners group - holy cow, way way out of my comfort zone but the fact I made it through relatively untraumatized is starting to make me brim


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Lon,
I am so proud of you! I guess it is true it is never too late to try something new even if it is outside your comfort zone. Well done!!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

nowthinkpositive said:


> Lon,
> I am so proud of you! I guess it is true it is never too late to try something new even if it is outside your comfort zone. Well done!!!!


Thanks! My new goal: get out of my CZ atleast once per day, need to start growing as a person again been dormant too long.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Lon, that's a great idea! Do one thing per day that's out of your comfort zone. I like it!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

As a 62 yo guy who had more first dates in the last 7 months than I had in my entire life I recommend dating - and being 100% yourself - skip the giggles and eye batting, relax and enjoy.

Try a variety of online free dating sites - they work differently and have different ways of matching people up, I've had success with PlentyofFish.com and *******.com.

I suggest you contact guys you are interested in, I enjoyed having a woman contact me and in those cases I thought the date was more successful, in two cases it lead to more dates and romantic relationships, the second of which has both of us head over heels and off the boards.

Beware of baggage - when you find a lot of the talk is about your or his ex-spouse plan on making the first date a last date.

Expect a lot of first dates to be failures in one way or another, take this as not an indication of failure but as success - you've tried to make a connection and were successful in trying and learned something that might make future dates better.

We separated and divorced guys feel dinner gets rather expensive on first dates, I suggest coffee or drinks. My sweetheart had a number of dates over the last year or two and strongly suggests you explicitly state how the expenses will be shared before hand. When making a date I would say something like "I want you to be my guest at abcd restaurant/coffee shop/wine bar". If at the end of our meeting my date said she wanted to split the bill, I'd agree.

Relative wealth is also a concern, one of the women I fell for was bankrupted by her ex husband, her need to work and become financially independent became a major block to a LTR.

I strongly suggest you avoid visiting a guy's apartment or inviting him over until you are ready to sleep with him - my female friends tell me that there is not a man they've met on-line who thinks a home or apartment visit is not an open invitation for sex.

On this note my sweetie tells me the males she met were often far more interested in sex than relationships, though this wasn't a surprise.

I found that making compromises in terms of selecting possible dating companions is a waste of everyone's time and money. For example I quickly learned not to contact people who never drink, or play golf, or are more than a few years different in age.

Try googling anyone you want to meet - at the very least you can tell your mom he hasn't shown up on the front page of the local newspaper for crimes against women or bankruptcy.

After a few dates you'll figure out what to do both when meeting and when being close, my sweetheart's ex suffered from terrible health for their last 20 years, she was rather innocent when they married, but she is a quick learner to the great benefit of our mutual enjoyment.

Please try and try again, then with knowledge you can decide if you want to date or not. I know for me and my sweetheart the happiness and intimacy we have found is extraordinary.

Good luck.



WomanScorned said:


> Ok, so on a whim I up and thought, "sure, a date now and then might be fun" and signed up for a dating website. Now I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I haven't dated since I was a teenager, really. Does giggling and batting your eyelashes still have any part of an adult dating gig???? I have NO clue what to do. Sigh. Plus my inner voice (the one that is always right and I SHOULD LISTEN TO) tells me "Are you CRAZY???? You've barely left an 18 year marriage. WHAT are you thinking????" Please tell me I'm not alone in doing foolish things....gotta start listening to that voice. The mark on my finger from my wedding ring is STILL there and I HATE IT. Well, is there harm in casual dates now and then? Ugh. I feel rather silly.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I hope dates aren't going to be checking my credit. It'll be a lonely rest of my life.

Also, I think modern times dictate women pay their half of dates. All the younger women I know do. The older ones are completely offended by the idea. I'll be breaking out the wallet, I don't want to feel I can't carry my own weight although the mortgage company would say something different.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Lon said:


> I too am not ready to date, but am putting myself out there with the hopes that maybe I the right person will help me forget about being ready. Last night went out to a buddy's party, turned into a night of salsa dancing - I'm no dancer (paralyze with fear) and barely even got on the floor but I was starting to fall in love just with it watching the amazing dancing going on - I've always had trepidation for dance particularly latin dance, I've seen most of these same people perform but it just is not the same as when it just a big group of people, really sexy people of all shapes and sizes being sexy and doing what they want the most, and it was awesome and even a little emotional for me - why have I made it so impossible my whole life to try new things?? Anyways they had a workshop today and I joined the beginners group - holy cow, way way out of my comfort zone but the fact I made it through relatively untraumatized is starting to make me brim


Funnily enough, I'm going to start learning salsa with my new 'friend'. I'm exactly like you - Well out of my comfort zone and with two left feet, but damn it i'm gonna do it and I can't wait!!

Gammy


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

I also signed up for the on-line dating 'game' and let me tell you it will be a hit and miss scenario...I only wish the 'females' who have contacted me would be honest about who they are and what they look like..not being shallow but when I see 125lbs I am expecting @125lbs not 150..that is the only downer...and one date does not mean we are a couple!!!..those are just two of the scenarios out there..there are people who are very real about things they put in the profile with up to date pictures because honestly it is the picture that is probably going to start the process if you want to continue the conversation to set up a meeting..but even pictures can lie if they are only head shots.:scratchhead:


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I’m starting to consider the whole online dating thing myself. I originally worried about having to filter out and deal with online weirdos. However it seems like every time I turn around lately there is one standing right in front of me anyways.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm pretty sure that if/when we split I will never look for any further romantic or sexual relationships. I've done my 25 to life. Give me a few year's peace before the dirt nap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

MyTwoGirls said:


> I also signed up for the on-line dating 'game' and let me tell you it will be a hit and miss scenario...I only wish the 'females' who have contacted me would be honest about who they are and what they look like..not being shallow but when I see 125lbs I am expecting @125lbs not 150..that is the only downer...and one date does not mean we are a couple!!!..those are just two of the scenarios out there..there are people who are very real about things they put in the profile with up to date pictures because honestly it is the picture that is probably going to start the process if you want to continue the conversation to set up a meeting..but even pictures can lie if they are only head shots.:scratchhead:


I put that I am a big giant fatass because frankly I don't care if someone thinks I am a big giant fatass. If that's why they don't contact me well, so be it.

I'm not even going to go on a rant regarding what dudes lie about.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Staircase I did use the 125lb-150lb as an example only...If you put fatazz that is up to you and more power to you...I used 'female' as an example in my case but I know exaggerating goes across the genders...if you think about it, on-line dating is relatively new..If I found someone I liked I would hope they were as honest as can be because I would be.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

staircase said:


> I hope dates aren't going to be checking my credit. It'll be a lonely rest of my life.
> 
> Also, I think modern times dictate women pay their half of dates. All the younger women I know do. The older ones are completely offended by the idea. I'll be breaking out the wallet, I don't want to feel I can't carry my own weight although the mortgage company would say something different.


Staircase,

I agree with you, most women my age (62 +/-) seem to expect me to pay for meals, fortunately I can, luckily my sweetie is doing well and shares the costs. 

As to the mortgage company - let them eat the disasters they created - if an extremely large company can default on billions and billions (a large development in NYC) the rest of us should walk away from underwater houses after living in them as long as possible w/o paying the mortgage. In some states this can mean years - see

For Some Homeowners in Foreclosure, a Rent-Free Approach - NYTimes.com


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

MyTwoGirls said:


> Staircase I did use the 125lb-150lb as an example only...If you put fatazz that is up to you and more power to you...I used 'female' as an example in my case but I know exaggerating goes across the genders...if you think about it, on-line dating is relatively new..If I found someone I liked I would hope they were as honest as can be because I would be.


Yeah its funny that some people think they can get away with being disingenuous on dating sites, I mean its not like we're not going to not find out the truth when you actually meet in person. Stop wasting everyone's time just put up your damn photo and (not the ones from when your were skinny and had no wrinkles 15 years ago. The funny think about the "weight" description is I've seen beautiful sexy attractive women who were wearing 50-80 lbs more than what's is considered fit, as well as really unsightly ones that were either overweight or thin. Weight really doesn't make an issue to me just being comfortable in your skin, though my preference is probably for someone closer to the modern ideal largely because they are more likely to be confident with their appearance, nor am I ready to deal with the emotional baggage of an eating disorder.

As to the women that first make contact with a man on dating sites I think there are a lot of desperate bottom feeders who would stalk you if they found out your real id, (and I suspect its much worse for women who post their ad) so maybe it is better to not post photos after all? Everyone needs loving but you definitely gotta be safe!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Background checks are cheap and easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm pretty sure that if/when we split I will never look for any further romantic or sexual relationships. I've done my 25 to life. Give me a few year's peace before the dirt nap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes, I feel this way. Like today!! I didn't think that after you announce divorce, that things could get worse - but, yes, they can. No offense on photo change ladies; it's just the way I feel today.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

ThinkTooMuch said:


> Staircase,
> 
> I agree with you, most women my age (62 +/-) seem to expect me to pay for meals, fortunately I can, luckily my sweetie is doing well and shares the costs.
> 
> ...



We are doing a "strategic foreclosure." Our mortgage is WAY more than we'd ever get for the house, like $40k more at least. Neither of us want the house.

See you later, BofA.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

No point in signing up if you're not going to be honest about it. But I know there are a lot of crazies out there.

What I want to know, is WHY all these guys coming up as matches are like my ex????? Sheesh. Driving me CRAZY. Are there any guys out there who are NOT like my ex that I might be compatible with???? Sigh......and if they are like him, why aren't he and I together???? Double sigh....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Keep looking; they can't all be the same. Maybe shift your preferable age bracket a tiny bit. I dunno, I am just throwing ideas out there. Keep looking.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> Sigh......and if they are like him, why aren't he and I together???? Double sigh....


I know, what is the computer match-maker trying to tell us eh? And where exactly are we supposed to look to find the kind of person we need, it should be kinda automatic shoudn't it? I mean I used to think every individual was completely unpredictable but after being told how I would go through the grieving process of separation I realized we are all just programs in the matrix!

I am coming to realize that the trick to find the right match comes from just being out there and being ourselves, like you say no point in being insincere. But honestly I don't want to be alone all the time, friends are nice but I need more.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

So do I ask guys out on dates? I have one I've exchanged a few e-mails with. Do I flat out ask him out? Or is there a set number of e-mails you're supposed to go with? I don't know what I'm doing.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> So do I ask guys out on dates? I have one I've exchanged a few e-mails with. Do I flat out ask him out? Or is there a set number of e-mails you're supposed to go with? I don't know what I'm doing.


Can't say forsure, but if he sounds interesting and genuine and you want to meet him for coffee, just write: "wanna meet for coffee?"


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

WomanScorned said:


> So do I ask guys out on dates? I have one I've exchanged a few e-mails with. Do I flat out ask him out? Or is there a set number of e-mails you're supposed to go with? I don't know what I'm doing.


Nothing set in stone with this process, it's what is comfortable for you. If you need more communication, don't rush the process. If you feel you're ready to dive in, ask him out like Lon said!

One thing I have learned from my friends, don't do a dinner. If you don't like the person you are stuck with them for a looooong time during dinner. Coffee or drinks for first date!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

WomanScorned said:


> No point in signing up if you're not going to be honest about it. But I know there are a lot of crazies out there.
> 
> What I want to know, is WHY all these guys coming up as matches are like my ex????? Sheesh. Driving me CRAZY. Are there any guys out there who are NOT like my ex that I might be compatible with???? Sigh......and if they are like him, why aren't he and I together???? Double sigh....


WomanScorned,

Don't want to cause you any grief but the reason you keep seeing your ex's twins is the same reason I connected with some of my ex-w's clones while on-line dating - we attract them and are attracted to them on levels we can't understand or identify. About all we can do is realize the similarities and walk away.

I suggest you try other dating sites - the one you are using might be tuned to some of your characteristics that link you and the clones. Google 
free online dating sites
and you'll find dozens with many different methodologies. The most unusual one I found is *******.com which asks dozens of questions to which you respond with choices. It is aggravating at first, but hooked me up with my sweetie and we are very happy.

Good luck.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

******* IS the one where I keep finding my ex-clones. And I've answered about 200+ questions.....sigh


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I need a full body type picture for this crap. Now I don't know what to wear as I still dress like I did when I was 10-shorts, t-shirts, lots of beaded jewelry and flip flops. Ok it sounds bad when I type it out, I know.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow, this is fascinating. I couldn't imagine doing online dating. For me, it's too "forced". I like to meet people through mutual interests, hobbies, activities and hope we "click". 

I do go to "meetup" groups for social activities like going to see bands, bars, restaurants as well as for kayaking, hiking, etc. I've actually met some nice guys but I'm in "separation" mode and the signals I give off are definitely "not interested in dating". 

I know I'm not ready to date anyone but it's interesting to see men's reactions to me. Problem is, I'm still hung up and trying to "emotionally" separate from my H so it wouldn't be fair to myself or another person to actually date

Then there's the sex situation....As much as I crave intimacy and physical closeness I couldn't imagine it happening with anyone else but my H. Again, there's more to "separation" then just separating physically. The hardest is emotional and mental. 

I think if online dating works for you then great. It certainly seems to be a great way to be exposed and expose yourself to many different people but it's important to be careful. Seems there could be a lot of problems as well.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Freak,

Your approach of meeting people through activities you enjoy is probably one of the best ways to identify shared interests and get a feel for what you like and don't like. 

On-line dating is admittedly more hit or miss but it is just a start not a destination. When I was active with my local chapters of the Sierra Club and the Appalachian Mountain Club in my 30's socializing on hikes and during breaks was a great way to meet. Almost three decades later it doesn't work in particular because these groups are dominated by relative youngsters - 30 and 40 somethings and are small enough that after a short while you've checked every regular off and fresh blood is rare.

My sweetie and I met on-line in part because she lives in a relatively small town and knows every single male her age +/- a few years with a similar religious background. Like me she wanted to meet someone close to her age who shared some basic views. 

At 62 and with a less than perfect body passionately kissing after a few dates is not easy until you finish that first kiss, then it seems extremely natural - we forgot our physical age and acted as if we were teens. After the initial mutual wondering if we were doing "things" right, passion and instincts took over and we haven't looked back except to wonder at our good fortune and how effective email was to learn about each other.

After too many years of a marriage that died as we became house mates on very different sleep/wake schedules our mutual pleasure of holding each other as we fall asleep and wake together is enormous.

Good luck.









Freak On a Leash said:


> Wow, this is fascinating. I couldn't imagine doing online dating. For me, it's too "forced". I like to meet people through mutual interests, hobbies, activities and hope we "click".
> 
> I do go to "meetup" groups for social activities like going to see bands, bars, restaurants as well as for kayaking, hiking, etc. I've actually met some nice guys but I'm in "separation" mode and the signals I give off are definitely "not interested in dating".
> 
> ...


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