# Time with the Guys!



## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

My marriage has been on the rocks since September 23, 2015 that was the day my wife said the worst words in the world to me "I love you but don't have passion for you!" Since that day we have been working on our marriage with me being a wits end trying to be what she wants but I'm starting to crack and feel as it would be better off just walking away!

Any who enough of that ****, today I hung out with the guys from 10am to 6pm, came home to watch bits of the NFL games and haven't been happier in the past few months. I'm starting to realize that I may not be able to be the man she wants but that I'm ****ing awesome being me. I think I devoted so much of myself to the family over the years that I forgot who I was and I need that guy back! I had a great time, came home and didn't even attempt to be affectionate towards the wife who seems to want it now that I'm not trying to give it. This **** is confusing!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

That's the whole point. You have to be happy with you. Who wants to be with someone that doesn't like himself? Someone that's always trying to please everyone else, before themselves.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Reaper39 said:


> "I love you but don't have passion for you!"


Most of the time when a wife says that she's banging someone else, or is in a pretty lengthy emotional affair and wants it to get physical. There's likely someone else.

But going out with friends and giving zero fvcks is exactly what you should do. You can't nice a wife away from an affair partner.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

She has stated that my attitude over the years have driven her passion to all time lows, I was ready to leave the house but she cried and begged me to stay saying that she truly loves me but that the passion has diminished. I admitted my faults and have tried extremely hard to be a better communicator, I don't like bring issues from work home because I don't have many pleasant stories so there were times where I shut down but it wasn't meant to hurt her but to protect me and the family. I even brought the book His Needs Her Needs and it has helped me but she sees the book as an insult saying "what is that, like we don't know how to handle a relationship?" So I heard her out and told her that I was working out issues and that the book helps me reflect on how to do things better and if we knew how to handle a relationship that we wouldn't be where we are now and kissed her gently on her lips. 

I honestly feel in my heart that she has not cheated and wants to be with me but might be worried if I'll shut down again and cut off communication. We have spoken about many things over the past few months and some of it was hurtful to hear but it opened my eyes. I love my wife and don't want to lose her so I'm willing to try my best to make this work but some times feel defeated. She wanted more affection so I've done it then she tells me she feels uncomfortable because I've lacked for so long that it feels forced from me because of her words so now I try to balance how much affection I give and it is taking it's toll on me mentally. We've had sex twice since late September, the first time was horrible but the second time around felt good but not great as we are still working things out. As I said before I love her with all I am but I understand that I need to refill her Love Bank but I just want to ravage her and make up for lost time but know the emotion connection she needs to rebuild for me may take time. Oh did I mention that I love her, she is my balance in life!


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Couldn't hurt to do a little snooping, IF she is involved with someone else either physically or emotionally there is nothing you can do in terms of fixing it, she would be in an affair cloud. If you determine in your efforts that there is someone else, then that changes completely what you should do.

If she's a first timer she will likely leave a ton of evidence just readily available in facebook account, email, texts and phone calls (the texts and phone calls will be all day and night obsessively, and very easy to spot).


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Reaper39 said:


> She has stated that my attitude over the years have driven her passion to all time lows, I was ready to leave the house but she cried and begged me to stay saying that she truly loves me but that the passion has diminished. I admitted my faults and have tried extremely hard to be a better communicator, I don't like bring issues from work home because I don't have many pleasant stories so there were times where I shut down but it wasn't meant to hurt her but to protect me and the family. I even brought the book His Needs Her Needs and it has helped me but she sees the book as an insult saying "what is that, like we don't know how to handle a relationship?" So I heard her out and told her that I was working out issues and that the book helps me reflect on how to do things better and if we knew how to handle a relationship that we wouldn't be where we are now and kissed her gently on her lips.
> 
> I honestly feel in my heart that she has not cheated and wants to be with me but might be worried if I'll shut down again and cut off communication. We have spoken about many things over the past few months and some of it was hurtful to hear but it opened my eyes. I love my wife and don't want to lose her so I'm willing to try my best to make this work but some times feel defeated. She wanted more affection so I've done it then she tells me she feels uncomfortable because I've lacked for so long that it feels forced from me because of her words so now I try to balance how much affection I give and it is taking it's toll on me mentally. We've had sex twice since late September, the first time was horrible but the second time around felt good but not great as we are still working things out. As I said before I love her with all I am but I understand that I need to refill her Love Bank but I just want to ravage her and make up for lost time but know the emotion connection she needs to rebuild for me may take time. Oh did I mention that I love her, she is my balance in life!



I was on the " has not cheated side of the fence" . That is, until i've read this. She's cheatin!!


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I agree though, a day with the boys is the best anti depressant there is.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> I was on the " has not cheated side of the fence" . That is, until i've read this. She's cheatin!!


Sadly I agree, very typical and so many red flags all over that.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

I find that we have a few members here that enjoy posting negative comments on many different threads and even though everyone is entitled to their opinion I think their comments can do more damage to a relationship. I will not spy on my wife, I do not feel that she is cheating and our communication has been more open and free. No relationship will succeed without trust and respect. I thank you for the input but I feel as someone of the members here are trying to cause drama and I'm not falling for that game.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Reaper39 said:


> As I said before I love her with all I am but I understand that I need to refill her Love Bank but I just want to ravage her and make up for lost time but know the emotion connection she needs to rebuild for me may take time. Oh did I mention that I love her, she is my balance in life!


You should share that with her.  I disagree that she's cheating. I don't know what you do but I have been here (and lived long enough) that men who are in jobs that reflect the uglier side of life DO tend to shut down. 

It IS because you want to shield those you love from the dark realities out there. Whether it's police, fire fighter, military... it can be ugly. Men are much better at compartmentalizing. You have the ability to shut the office door and open the home door. Women often can't and most don't have that ability. 

Don't shield her. TELL her what happened at work. I don't care if you had to pull a body from a lake or tell a family their child is dead or put a dog to sleep. For her to feel that emotional connection, she probably needs to tap into YOUR emotions. It doesn't mean you need to be a blubbering puddle of emotion but a simple "Today sucked; of the guys got his nose broken by a suspect and we had to take two minors to juvie. I hope they can get on the right track."

She will feel closer to you because she will know what you deal with daily. She will likely begin to feel protective and loving and will want to be your shelter in the storm, so to speak.

Maybe I'm wrong, but really, I think if you open up a bit and let her see your softer side, she'll also revel in the rambunctious NFL loving, butt-slapping man-boy most guys are, too.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I don't think she said that with a direct hit to hurt you. I also don't agree with the assumption that she is cheating because she said those words. My guess is she was tired of not getting her point across and then BOOM...these words come out and you hear them and are like damn...what is happening?!

If she's needing more affection....give her more, but don't expect validation from her in return...like a waiting puppy. Just do it and move on. Do it some more and move on. 

It will take time for her to feel like it genuine and not forced from you, but if you are both willing...keep at it!


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## Mark82 (Nov 25, 2015)

Reaper39 said:


> My marriage has been on the rocks since September 23, 2015 that was the day my wife said the worst words in the world to me "I love you but don't have passion for you!" Since that day we have been working on our marriage with me being a wits end trying to be what she wants but I'm starting to crack and feel as it would be better off just walking away!
> 
> Any who enough of that ****, today I hung out with the guys from 10am to 6pm, came home to watch bits of the NFL games and haven't been happier in the past few months. I'm starting to realize that I may not be able to be the man she wants but that I'm ****ing awesome being me. I think I devoted so much of myself to the family over the years that I forgot who I was and I need that guy back! I had a great time, came home and didn't even attempt to be affectionate towards the wife who seems to want it now that I'm not trying to give it. This **** is confusing!


Do you mind me asking how often you slept together before that date? It seems a lot of women are all the same, half of the time I wonder if my wife just wants kids and a roof over her head rather than connection.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Mark82 said:


> It seems a lot of women are all the same, half of the time I wonder if my wife just wants kids and a roof over her head rather than connection.


She wouldn't have said those words "I don't feel passion" if she was not interested in a connection. It sounds to me like she is frustrated with the state of the marriage and is telling him she WANTS to feel the connection- that's the whole point!


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

Mark82 said:


> Do you mind me asking how often you slept together before that date? It seems a lot of women are all the same, half of the time I wonder if my wife just wants kids and a roof over her head rather than connection.


We have always shared a bed but we were lucky to be having sex once a month.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> I don't think she said that with a direct hit to hurt you. I also don't agree with the assumption that she is cheating because she said those words. My guess is she was tired of not getting her point across and then BOOM...these words come out and you hear them and are like damn...what is happening?!
> 
> If she's needing more affection....give her more, but don't expect validation from her in return...like a waiting puppy. Just do it and move on. Do it some more and move on.
> 
> It will take time for her to feel like it genuine and not forced from you, but if you are both willing...keep at it!


It was a major wake up call and I'm working on it every day.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You should share that with her.  I disagree that she's cheating. I don't know what you do but I have been here (and lived long enough) that men who are in jobs that reflect the uglier side of life DO tend to shut down.
> 
> It IS because you want to shield those you love from the dark realities out there. Whether it's police, fire fighter, military... it can be ugly. Men are much better at compartmentalizing. You have the ability to shut the office door and open the home door. Women often can't and most don't have that ability.
> 
> ...


I'm opening up again, you are correct as far as the job (NYPD) and we do see some horrible things and I try to protect her from that side of me. I will continue to work on our marriage because I'm still in love with her and want her.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Sex once a month and telling you she doesn't have passion for you? Don't come on this site if all you want is ego stroking and you're afraid to hear hard truths. But there's so many red flags about your wife to indicate there is someone else involved somewhere down this line that it isn't funny. It doesn't guarantee it, but to not investigate the matter seems downright crazy. Trust is for when everything is going great, you trust them to do the right thing even when no one is looking, you're close, connected, bonded, you guys are not that... at all... (based on your posts, maybe you're just venting and it's not as bad as you described initially, i.e. you walking away, and her giving you essentially the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you: line.)

If you think I'm trying to create drama by saying that it's your prerogative, but yours would be a fairly common story, most guys come here, blame themselves and beat themselves up, two weeks later all the evidence is exposed and his wife is in a full blown affair. But at least the guy knows the truth and can make an informed decision. IF she is cheating there is nothing, and I mean nothing you can do to win her back while a covert affair is still hidden and underway.

To grab her phone and peek at texts or look at her facebook/email would be warranted in this case based on the red flags she's putting out there. Based on what is found there you make decisions. To me the fact that you're here and talking about walking away, you know in your gut something is definitely wrong and it isn't likely just you.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

Not looking to have my ego stroked but in my heart I feel that she has stayed true to me and I have to keep that belief and if it slaps me in the face later at least I can say I tried. I believe her words were a cry of help to wake me up, I thought she wanted nothing to do with me so when I said I was leaving she said that she loves me, I have ignored and shut her out so she had to do something! She gets out of work at 5pm and in 15-20 minutes she is home not like there are gaps of time unexplained but yes an affair could still take place but I'm not getting that vibe from her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't waste your time chasing ghost. You know why your here.


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