# I screwed up and want to fix it...



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.

I am married, early 30s ( both of us). I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. I also feel a little rejected since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.

Then he left the job to move to another job and we still meet 2-3 times a week ( earlier it would be 5 times a week, every day after work). We talk a lot of stuff : work, career development, sometimes our spouses ( but nothing private), health etc. I feel like I am the one head over heels with him and it is hurting me that he does not show his feelings as much. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I have these feelings. Now, all of this made me think about how terrible I have been to my husband and I want to end the feelings I have for this man but want to keep the friendship ( I value his input in my life, he is very respectful, wise etc). 

I am thinking of having a chat with him next week and telling him that I am hurt he rejected me sexually, I still have feelings, I will control my feelings and focus my energy on my husband but he will always be close to my heart. I will end up destroying myserf if I keep going on with feelings for him. He also wanted me to be someone like a wingwoman for him to pick up women who are interested in one night stands, I am thinking of helping him now. I was not able to help him before because I had feelings for him and it was hard to imagine him with other women. Any thoughts on the chat that I plan to have with him?

I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are in an emotional affair with him & blatantly cheating on your husband. This other man is not a respectful and wise person, since he is knowingly cheating with a married woman.

You need to break off all contact with him. You have damaged your marriage dramatically, and your 'seat of the pants' approach at the moment to dealing with your affair is as ill-conceived as the affair.

You need to wake up. Your only 'chat' with him should be a terse no-contact communication.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Okay this one is cut and dry. You can't be friends with this man. At all. You should never see him again. 
First, You are betraying your husband right now. This is called an emotional affair. 
Second, you can't control your feelings. The only way to stop the feelings is to cut off contact. 
Third, and this is the least important...oh my god, are you getting played. He's willing to have sex with you, but it will change how he feels about you? Please. You are his ego boost. He hangs out with you because you make him feel good. You are good for his ego, but he doesn't give a crap about you. 

So here your options: 
-Cut off all contact and refocus on your marriage. And probably you should get yourself into counseling to figure out why you were vulnerable to him. And hopefully you can save your marriage. 
-Continue to be friends with him. You won't get over him or be able to control your feelings. You may or may not sleep with him, but eventually your husband will find out and you will have damaged your marriage irrevocably. Perhaps you will have reconciliation, but your husband will never trust you again. (Provided he doesn't divorce you flat out.) You should also note that when your marriage falls apart, lover boy is going to disappear too.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Does you husband know about the time you spend with this man? 

Instead having a chat about how he bruised your ego, by using classic PUA lines to get you to want to sleep with him. You need to have an honest conversation about your EA with your H and cut this guy off completely.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sigh...
You say you have a good marriage.
Does your husband know what you are doing?
You are the perfect example of why men are doing this.

http://www.reddit.com/r/MGTOW/comments/2t0vph/why_dont_men_ask_me_out_observing_the_decline/


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Another one...
Actually, AWALT. : TheRedPill


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well, you don't have a wonderful marriage because you are a remorseless cheater.

Cut all contact with the other man, who is smarter, marginally, than you by the way, tell your husband. Confess everything to him and get back to us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Well, you don't have a wonderful marriage because you are a remorseless cheater.
> 
> Cut all contact with the other man, who is smarter, marginally, than you by the way, tell your husband. Confess everything to him and get back to us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This is really all the advice the OP needs right now.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

BlueWoman said:


> Third, and this is the least important...oh my god, are you getting played. He's willing to have sex with you, but it will change how he feels about you? Please. You are his ego boost. He hangs out with you because you make him feel good. You are good for his ego, but he doesn't give a crap about you.


I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


Okay I'll bite.
Does your disposable husband have a say in this?
Whatever NPD yeah you know me lol.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.



How he looks at you is irrelevant, he is a dirtbag messing in marriage he has no business in. You are wrong for allowing this to continue and you know it.

Tell the whole truth of your affair to your Husband, then come back for advice.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I agree with all your replies here. I feel terrible. I haven't had the energy to focus on anything since the last 48 hours. I have cried and cried and have slept in my bed for almost 35 out of 48 hours. I had no one/no place to turn to which is why I decided to post here to receive a well deserved kick in the butt, which I have received, and push me to reality.

I don't blame the guy, if anything I have been willing in all the conversations. He has helped me through some rough patches at work, life in general etc and it is hard to forget all of that.

I did make an appointment for therapy and would like to explore why I needed that ego boost/attention. I am very curious about what the outcome will be.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

kristin2349 said:


> How he looks at you is irrelevant, he is a dirtbag messing in marriage he has no business in. You are wrong for allowing this to continue and you know it.
> 
> Tell the whole truth of your affair to your Husband, then come back for advice.


I am terrified at the outcome after telling my husband. I know I should have thought about this before the whole situation but I am only human and I was swayed by my feelings.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

OP here -- it makes me wonder, what if I cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc. He is wonderful person otherwise and I believe we all make mistakes.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> I am terrified at the outcome after telling my husband. I know I should have thought about this before the whole situation but I am only human and I was swayed by my feelings.


Do you still love your husband more important do you respect your husband.
We are trying to save you another "grass is greener" episode.
Peace.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I am terrified at the outcome after telling my husband. I know I should have thought about this before the whole situation but I am only human and I was swayed by my feelings.



Wake up! Did you read what you wrote? You want to be his "wingwoman" and help him pick up one night stands? :wtf:

You should be terrified of the outcome of telling your Husband, but he deserves to know what you have been doing every night after work. He deserves to know why you have become a crap wife, he deserves an apology and remorse and a faithful wife. If you won't be that, leave the man so he can find one.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

tom67 said:


> Do you still love your husband more important do you respect your husband.
> We are trying to save you another "grass is greener" episode.
> Peace.


Yes I do. All my remorse is stemming from the fact that I feel terrible about what I did to my husband. I don't really care how I screwed up my feelings.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.
> 
> I am married, early 30s ( both of us). I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. I also feel a little rejected since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.
> 
> ...




You're looking for sympathy because some swinging penis you're seeing outside your marriage is playing with your emotions, and that makes you unhappy? Then, you have the gall to talk about your wonderful marriage? Good grief.

The only thing wonderful in your life, in your eyes, is you. You're treating your husband/family like toss-out garbage, and trying to boost your ego the fastest, cheapest, and easiest way you can find.

If you want to fix something, start with your selfish, entitled, deceiving nature. Its ugly, and hurtful.

On a positive note, after reading your post, I was able to purge some particularly disgusting bile that was lodged in my upper GI.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I think the larger problem for me is why I allowed this whole episode to unfold. I have signed up for therapy and I have no idea why this happened. I do get the attention and love in in marriage. What am I looking for? There are obviously larger questions to answer.

The man has been nice to me, really nice. I don't entirely blame him for the situation. After all, I am a consenting adult in t his situation. Therefore, I Feel I owe it to him to speak the truth before ending contact. As for my husband, I have decided to tell him too.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here -- it makes me wonder, what if I cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc. He is wonderful person otherwise and I believe we all make mistakes.


Your just going to stop the feelings, it's just that easy? You hooked on him and trying to bargain with yourself to stay in contact.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Forest said:


> If you want to fix something, start with your selfish, entitled, deceiving nature. Its ugly, and hurtful.


I agree with each word you have here for me. I am selfish. I believe in learning from mistakes, ofcourse this is more than a mistake, but I am going to use the opportunity to talk to a therapist and dig out why I even went down this route in the first place.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> I think the larger problem for me is why I allowed this whole episode to unfold. I have signed up for therapy and I have no idea why this happened. I do get the attention and love in in marriage. What am I looking for? There are obviously larger questions to answer.
> 
> The man has been nice to me, really nice. I don't entirely blame him for the situation. After all, I am a consenting adult in t his situation. Therefore, I Feel I owe it to him to speak the truth before ending contact. As for my husband, I have decided to tell him too.


GOOD = telling your husband.:smile2:

BAD = not ending contact with the PUA/POS.

Watch the 2002 movie "Unfaithful" here is one link.
https://play.google.com/store/movie...es&gclid=CKCmz6eZ5sYCFWoHMgodUhEFeg&gclsrc=ds


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

honcho said:


> Your just going to stop the feelings, it's just that easy? You hooked on him and trying to bargain with yourself to stay in contact.


No, it is not easy. I don't even know if it is possible. I am in terrible emotional pain here. I do understand situations like these often call for harsh responses from others. I still believe we are all human and we do go through such situations. The learning and remorse is what makes us better persons, going forward.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

tom67 said:


> GOOD = telling your husband.:smile2:
> 
> BAD = not ending contact with the PUA/POS.
> 
> ...


I will watch the movie.

I think I am in between bad and good right now.


----------



## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

…

I do so love it when a cheater realizes that they are going to have to face the consequences of their actions.

All of this "I am so terrible" stuff reads to me like you are preparing a preemptive defense against your husband's reaction to all of this…assuming you ever actually tell him.

1) Cut _all_ contact with the OM. Now.
2) Tell your husband everything.
3) Prepare to work your @ss off for the rest of your life proving you are worthy of his trust and love again.

I seriously doubt you are going to tell your husband.

Once you figure out your "I needed to sort my emotions" defense is not going to work, my money is on complete rug sweep and hope he never finds out so you don't have to deal with it.

If you are serious about actually working on this *accept responsibility*.

You made a _choice_.

Not a mistake.

Concede that you did so. Be honest with your husband. And ask him what it will take for _him_ to ever forgive you for it.


Not holding my breath on this one...


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

How much do you love and respect your husband???? Because all you are concerned about is how to stay friends with this man. How you can keep this wise, helpful, inspiring man in your life. 

Really girl, you need to wake up. You are being used by a sick, manipulative and conniving cheater. He is cheating on his wife and you are cheating on your husband. What about his wife and kid? Now you want to be his wingman to pickup one night stands. 

Hopefully, your man runs the hell away when you tell him. 

Grow up. Stop making excuses. Stop talking to this man. 

But we all know what you really want...you want him don't you. Good luck you are going to need it.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


 You have a wonderful marriage and husband. Well truth be told, not for long. 

Look your a big girl. You know right from wrong, good from bad. You can't tell me that you didn't see red flags during this whole time. You know you did and all of us her know you did but you kept pushing them aside and now you got yourself in some real hot water. 

Now with all of that on your plate with your wonderful husband and marriage and you still want your marriage to work you still want to be friends with a man you still have the hots for and straighten out your marriage. Think about that for a minuet and tell me how this can possibly work knowing that if this guys gives you the high sign and wants to sleep with you, you would or still consider it AND still want your husband and marriage.

I'll give you credit for one thing. You were up front and honest with us but truth be told, we don't count. We don't have to live with you and come home to you every night so I only hope that you can be honest and truthful to the one person who whose about to have his life shattered and look at you in a light that he never would have believed possible.

Comes down to this. You want to have it both ways and if you keep up with this mind set, your going to be formally married to a good guy and probably get dumped by Mister Wonderful.

My advice to you is come clean, and not only be honest with your husband but be honest with yourself and if you can't, well if you think it's bad now then your in for a whole lot of you ain't seen nothing yet.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here -- it makes me wonder, what if I cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc. He is wonderful person otherwise and I believe we all make mistakes.


LOL. No.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> No, it is not easy. I don't even know if it is possible. I am in terrible emotional pain here. I do understand situations like these often call for harsh responses from others. I still believe we are all human and we do go through such situations. The learning and remorse is what makes us better persons, going forward.


What you are feeling is guilt versus dopamine withdrawal. When a man you are attracted to tells you how beautiful, and smart, and wonderful you are, it releases dopamine and other feel-good chemicals into your bloodstream. 

Dopamine is one of the most addictive chemicals that exist...nearly as addictive as opiates. You are an addict, and because your back door man has not been feeding you ego kibble so for the last few days you are literally in a chemical withdrawal. 

That dopamine high is the same that you felt back long ago when you first fell in love with your husband. You love that feeling, but your hubby is no longer your infatuation. He's the same old same old while back door man is pumping you to the brim with bullshYt just so he can get fed by your attention. You and this guy are both addicts...feeding each other's addictions. 

Do you see how sick it is? Dump this chump. I don't really care if you tell your husband or not, but you need to go cold turkey. Cold turkey. Try it on white bread with lots of mayo and relish. You'll feel better.


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here -- it makes me wonder, what if I cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc. He is wonderful person otherwise and I believe we all make mistakes.


*No. You can't just be friends with him. And you know it. *

I had an intense EA, and could have made it a PA at any time. Didn't want to be a bad guy, so I stayed on the fence screwing around everyone. 

Only way through is to confess, and go no contact. It's scary to tear your H's heart out and face the consequences, especially since it wasn't your choice not to have sex. But you've already torn his heart out, he just doesn't know.


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


Right. Sigh....

Except what you said in your first post "Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me", is in direct conflict with what you said after that. 


I'm sorry, this whole thing just reads like some kind of PSA message by a BS. I've seen these before in here. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't be so silly. Cut all contact.

Your feelings will eventually follow your actions.

Once you get your head cleared, because your head is quite screwed up, you will realize what a complete idiot you have desired to stick his penis in you.

You will also realize what a complete idiot you are right now for wanting this moron to bend you over at the cost of your marriage and children.

Was this schmuck's penis a higher priority to you than your own children? I guess your fantasy about this cheater is more important than your husband's pride and love of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

You didn't allow this to happen, you have actively made it happen

And meeting him again, what's the point ? Seems like you're more sorry because he is not willing to sleep with you rather than the fact that you're hurting your husband. I feel like that if the other married guy wanted to then you would, you'd feel guilty like now but you'd do it anyway. Cut the crap and start to act like an adult


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


Nope. You were clear. This guy is getting a charge out of messing with your head. He doesn't care about you at all.

It's a line. He hooks you and then keeps you on the line. 

But in the end it doesn't matter. Because he is irrelevant. You are destroying your marriage.


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


The game is strong with your om he has you loaded up and your kitty drooling
One call from him and you would debase yourself in a busy park on Sunday afternoon

Holy Sh*t woman educate yourself, see if you can spot any parallels to your om

Or don't and crash and burn 

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+to+pickup+a+married+woman&oq=how+to+pickup+a+married+woman


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> He also wanted me to be someone like a wingwoman for him to pick up women who are interested in one night stands, I am thinking of helping him now. I was not able to help him before because I had feelings for him and it was hard to imagine him with other women. Any thoughts on the chat that I plan to have with him?
> 
> I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> He also wanted me to be someone like a wingwoman for him to pick up women who are interested in one night stands, I am thinking of helping him now. I was not able to help him before because I had feelings for him and it was hard to imagine him with other women. Any thoughts on the chat that I plan to have with him?
> 
> I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


You need to stop communications with this man immediately. You are following this man like a cult leader. You are asked to pimp for him. He is manipulating you as you are a gullible individual.

You are about to sacrifice your husband to a low life as this man. Expose yourself to your husband. You have a sick mind. See a psychologist immediately as you need help ASAP!


----------



## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

You said:
I don't blame the guy, if anything I have been willing in all the conversations. He has helped me through some rough patches at work, life in general etc and it is hard to forget all of that.


I say:
YOUR HUSBAND should have been the one you turned to to get you through those rough patches. Your contact with this OM has caused you to disconnect with your husband. You need to cut all contact with this OM and dedicate yourself to your husband. AND tell your husband what's been going on because he may have already sensed the disconnect, and is suspecting something is up.


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


Now he has you dancing to his tune and begging him for sex...


----------



## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Why you can't stay friend with him : https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_thoughts/comments/1ro9lx/the_fake_friendship_dilemma/

But I really feel sorry for your husband :

You said you received love and attention from him, so it means he is invested in you and your relationship. 

So he certainly seen you was changing, being less into the marriage, even if you tried to hide it. 

He feel in his guts than something is wrong, and he certainly try to find what. 

What he did wrong, what he said wrong, how to correct that. 

He try to resolve a puzzle, and he miss the main pieces. 
Imagine how painfull it must be for him.

That's what you make him live as now.

Oh and don't believe you are the first or last married woman than your lover seduces.

Don't believe it's his fault. 

You know he said he seen you as special, that's for make you feel unique, he doesn't think it, it's just for make you wait, and crave more, so when he would "fail" and accept to give you what you want, you would have less taboos, and he would be able to get all the kinky sex he wishes. 

He would have seen you as special if you told him to go f*ck himself when he told you he wanted to have sex with you. 

He knows now you are just a low boundaries woman who has no respect for her marriage or husband.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wanting to step up to be his wingwoman to get him one night stands has to be one of the most outrageous things I've ever read on TAM. Do you have NO self respect or respect for the institution of (his) marriage?? What is wrong with you?? Make sure you tell your therapist this sick and twisted notion of yours. It's not normal.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.
> 
> I am married, early 30s ( both of us). I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. I also feel a little rejected since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.
> 
> ...


OP,
I am not prone to answers given out of anger or malice. I try very hard to give advice that is logical and applicable. So, understanding that, I hope you can comprehend my response. The reason you are doing what you are doing is because you are stupid.

If we look at this from any reasonable angle, it is apparent that your decisions are significantly lacking rational thought. Additionally, anyone who states that they do not know why they did something, especially something of this magnitude, is further indicating their lack of intellect. People who do things without a reason are, by definition, unreasonable. If someone acts without rational, cognizant thought, they are behaving irrationally. A life without reason and rationale is chaotic, not only to the individual but to those around them as well.

Have you given thought to the fact that if the OM had not rejected you then you would have nuked your precious young family and possibly his as well? What you need to seriously consider is why. This is not rational thinking and until you can recognize that you are destined to continue on in this behavior.

I do not know what brought you here but coming to this forum is the most intelligent move you have made thus far in this debacle. If you heed the advice given here and, more importantly, understand why the advice is pertinent, then you may be able to overcome your irrational, unreasonable behavior and actually become a good wife and mother.

There is much wisdom and experience on this forum but it is useless if it is not utilized. So, the question then becomes do you want to better yourself as an adult, in a mature relationship, or do you wish to continue acting as a child, whose eye is caught by every shiny new toy they come across?

Sincere deep feelings are not like a light switch, they cannot be switched on and off at a whim. Therefore, the feelings you have for this man are almost certainly physical/superficial and not deeply rooted. You must consider the possibility that you may not be capable of the deep emotional feelings needed to constitute "love". I say this because you have indicated that you were ready and willing to be intimate with this OM, then where were the feelings for your H during this time, the "love" you have for him? Does it actually exist? Also, you continue to have feelings for the OM. Why not switch them off as you did the feelings for your H when you were ready to bed this OM.

It is quite clear that you are not thinking any of this through to its ultimate conclusion and that is not intelligent. You indicated that you were saddened by the OM's rejection because you are an attractive woman. So is it beauty that is the reason for sex? Or is it a deep emotional connection that is shared between a H and a W that makes intimacy so rewarding? The OM may have realized that if you slept with him he would now see you as promiscuous, cheap and lacking in virtue. Why would you not see that? Conversely, he may just be playing you as he would a game of chess, waiting to checkmate. Then do you know what happens? Game over.

You also mentioned that OM has given you such support and you value him as a friend. If he is such a good friend why was not his first piece of advice to suggest that you not become emotionally involved with men that are not your H, him included? Additionally, if you are such a good friend to him then how could you act as his " wingman" and allow him to possibly destroy his own marriage and become involved with other women who may also be married and possibly destroy their families as well? Do you not see how irrational these thoughts are?

I could go on for many pages but this post is already too long. The simple question is do you want to remain stupid? If so, then continue as you are and come back and post in the "going through divorce" section once your H finds out about your dear friend and any others that may come along. If, however, you do not wish to be so lacking in intellect then start asking yourself why. Why am I doing this or thinking that and what will the outcome be, BEFORE you act. If you are not capable of that then at least inform your H of your nature so that he can decide to either keep a close watchful eye on you or D you and find someone who has matured enough to be in an adult relationship. I sincerely hope you can change and I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The OM is not no way near a "wonderful" guy. He is scum of the earth as far as I'm concerned. Would a wonderful guy who is married use you for an ego boost? Would a wonderful guy who is married use you for a wingman? No. He is not wonderful by any stretch of the imagination.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> He is wonderful person otherwise


:rofl:HAHAHAHA!! Oh, you're actually serious¿ Yeah, a married man who has an inapprpriate relationship with a married woman, then asks her to assist him be unfaithful to his wife isn't _wonderful_. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain that to an adult.

Him telling you that he finds you attractive but can't sleep with you is straight up game. I know of this, I've seen it since high school. It usually works with teenagers, women in their early twenties (i.e. those with possible self-esteem issues and/or those who are naïve) and apparently women in their early 30s/you.

It's meant to get into your head and create sexual tension and have you thinking about him. In addition to this, you being his _"wingwoman"_ elicits jealousy in you and basically if/when he wants to have sex, there'll be so much tension and longing that you'll just _"give in to desire"_.

I feel that you do need help and therapy is a great start.. actually you posting here was a great start and I'm glad you took the initiative. You also have to be forthcoming and tell your husband.

And no, obviously you can't be friends with him, you know that's retarded right?
He is not your friend. I know you can't/don't want to see this because he makes you feel good and no one likes to think that they're being _played_ or manipulated but that is what he is doing.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if your husband has humiliated and disrespected your
relationship by attempting to have sex with another women and then tried
to hide this fact from you? Your actions have clearly showed that you do not love your darling or 
you simply have not a clue what love is.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I am terrified at the outcome after telling my husband. I know I should have thought about this before the whole situation but I am only human and I was swayed by my feelings.


A word of advice: don't offer this as some sort of defence when you tell your husband or he confronts you... Your behaviour is indefensible, and this would serve only to hurt and insult him further.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going to use the opportunity to talk to a therapist and dig out why I even went down this route in the first place.


Let me ask you a question you need to think about before talking to a therapist or your husband. Why has the romantic interest, and desire for loyalty, changed since you married your husband? (if you could spend a week together on a romantic tropical island with no one finding out, which one would you choose to go with?) Be honest with yourself if not us and you don't have to answer, but think about it.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmydarling View Post
I am going to use the opportunity to talk to a therapist and dig out why I even went down this route in the first place.

She is loving her darling, the OM. She is not going to take responsibility for her actions. She is going to blame it all on her past. She thought the lovely people at TAM, would help her by buying her excuses and tell what she wants to hear. This girl has bought the BS and just trying to figure out how to have her cake and eat it too. Pity the husband, kids and OM's wife.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


Then end this little folly of yours, get your head and your self esteem screwed on straight in therapy, go NC with him, focus on your marriage, and here's a suggested quick read that may put some things into perspective...

The Four Agreements

I know why you did what you did...cuz I was involved in two EAs with 2 women last year. I'm still heavily involved in IC and group therapy.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to shake yourself into adulthood.

Your language is littered with the words of an irresponsible child.

Things 'happen' to you. They 'unfold.' You 'let' something occur. It is 'not all OM's fault.'

Really, grow up.

You made choices. You are the agent of these choices. You are not some hapless dupe swept along by a fate you can't foresee or control.

True, there are many things in life that we are powerless to control - serious illness, death of a loved one, war, pestilence, famine...

What you describe is completely on you. If you put on your big girl panties and start to take responsibility, you have a chance at a future with some self-respect.

Honestly, you sound like a HS girl.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

OP here

I took a very courageous step and I am back to report my progress and also obtain your feedback. I sat my husband don and told him we need to get ore close, take a break from work, not let stress get to us I told I wanted us to be more intimate. I then went a step ahead and told him I got close to a colleague since we were both so busy with work and me spending 9-10 hours a day at work and I ended up talking a lot to a colleague. I also told my husband I spoke nothing intimate with him or even touched him/let him touch me. My husband was shocked. Little confused but mostly understanding. He said these things happen more than people realize. We are planning a one week getaway, just the two of us, next month. I am relieved to say the very least. And ofcourse, thank you all for pushing me to have this conversation (I used up all of my sunday morning)! 

As for my colleague, I think I will let him know that we had gone too far and that I want to cut all the conversations we used to have and act as adults and be respective of our own lives and spouses. In my next post, I will clarify some of the statements/questions that many of you have accurately pointed out.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I also told my husband I spoke nothing intimate with him or even touched him/let him touch me.


So you lied to your husband. You wrote that you'd learned from your mistakes and would strive to be better and honest. That's very disappointing:frown2:.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You actually need to tell him everything and cut all contact with OM. You wanted to throw your husband and children away for the opportunity to have sex with OM.

You have very strong feelings for OM. Cut it out.

Be totally honest with your H. You are trickle truthing.

What you are doing is just as destructive as the affair itself.

Sure you didn't actually have sex with OM?

You don't strike me as someone who can own up to what she has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thank you all for quick responses and a reality check. I am glad I was able to get this straightened out, well at least I am in the process, during the weekend itself. I am relieved to say the very least.

I know such experiences are not uncommon, and some of us having gone through such experiences will not want this for any one else due to the pain involved.

I keep going back to the day/days all this started. We were normal colleagues and I did not mean for any of this to happen. As ****y as this might sound, it is true. I still have to get to the root cause which I will be exploring with a therapist in the coming days and weeks. I also used this opportunity to read about emotional affairs and came across terms such as limerance and dopamine/love addiction. These terms definitely sounded close to the feelings I was having. I am ashamed and guilty of allowing all these feelings to cloud my mind and heart. I had ceased to be a wife/daughter/sister/friend/colleague in the past few weeks since I got close to the OM ( early June) which has been about a month now.

In my prior posts, I have not even been able to think, less write, clearly which is why my teenage thinking is so very clearly visible. I am not justifying anything, just cautious of what I have done/am doing.

Something tells me my colleague has ben honest with me, yes he has cheated on his wife, he took time away from his son to be with me at work (or sometimes coffee) but he was honest to god with me while he was with me. We never spoke about intimate life details or about our spouse, we were like buddies but that (1) took the emotional energy away from our respective spouses (2) made us spend a lot of time with each other. We never touched each other, not even a finger was laid on me or vice versa. I did admit to him that I was attracted to him and should thank my stars that he refused, otherwise I would be in a different situation today. He sees me as a valuable friend/confidante (after his wife). As mentioned before, he did mention once he wanted to sleep with me but that never came up again. I know many of you here have said it is a game but my mind does not believe that. I feel he has been truthful and honest all the while. May be he played me but I played him as well. I will be disillusioned if I realize I was wrong here, which is why I would like to talk to the guy and figure out the truth. I remember blurting out to him once that I welcome the idea of being married to him ( again wrong move on my part I realize) to which he said he is married and that is not even an option. I understand talking to him may be a bad idea (oh well, terrible idea!) but I am feeling disoriented in my life now knowing I did not even see all the small things that have been pointed here . Any thoughts here?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Locke.Stratos said:


> So you lied to your husband. You wrote that you'd learned from you mistakes and would strive to be better and honest. That's very disappointing:frown2:.


I did not lie. I never laid a finger on him, neither did he. I swear to God. Ofcourse, I had intentions of going physical but that never happened.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> Any thoughts here?


Yes, I feel sad for your husband who did not get the full story. And also for OM's wife.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> You actually need to tell him everything and cut all contact with OM. You wanted to throw your husband and children away for the opportunity to have sex with OM.
> 
> You have very strong feelings for OM. Cut it out.
> 
> ...


Yes I have strong feelings for OM. I don't understand how everyone here believes that can never happen? Are we saying it is not possible? there is a lot of literature available on this topic and it is a grey area for sure. I understand we should not act on our feelings which I did to some extent by having conversations, going for coffee, spending time inside the office. But, that WAS it. We never touched each other. Well, he never touched me and I swear to God. We did have oppurtunities(quite a few). This is one of things that makes me think he was honest with me.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Less than full disclosure is trickle truth and damages your marriage as much as your affair. It actually compounds it making the situation worse.

Continued contact with OM is also compounding the damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I said you have strong feelings for OM. Your husband needs to know and that you wanted sex and were upset when he turned you down.

He needs to know every aspect of your relationship with OM. Wingwoman, his cheating, everything.

You need to cut contact. That is what you are being silly about as well as trickle truthing your husband.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> Yes I have strong feelings for OM. I don't understand how everyone here believes that can never happen? Are we saying it is not possible? there is a lot of literature available on this topic and it is a grey area for sure. I understand we should not act on our feelings which I did to some extent by having conversations, going for coffee, spending time inside the office. But, that WAS it. We never touched each other. Well, he never touched me and I swear to God. We did have oppurtunities(quite a few). *This is one of things that makes me think he was honest with me.*


Honest with you about what?? Who cares if he was honest with YOU. This is about you and your husband, and you're not being completely honest with your husband.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> I did not lie. I never laid a finger on him, neither did he. I swear to God. *Ofcourse, I had intentions of going physical but that never happened.*


Sorry, but where I'm from,* that* is a lie.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Allow me to introduce a little logic here. You said the OM considers you a close confidant second only to his wife. He is lying and cheating on his wife, his number one confidant, so what might he do to you? You honestly believe that he is lying to her and being completely honest with you? Does that sound like a reasonable, rational assumption to make? Also, you mentioned your feelings for him. What of your feelings for your H? You said you could so see yourself married to him. Do you like being lied to and cheated on? That is what he is doing to his current wife. And you want to volunteer for that position???

You also said you told your H that you two never laid a finger on each other. You need to tell him that was because the OM rejected you and see if he still feels as though "these things just happen, more than people know". I dare say his opinion may change when given the whole truth.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I did not lie. I never laid a finger on him, neither did he. I swear to God. Ofcourse, I had intentions of going physical but that never happened.


You wrote that you told your husband that you never spoke anything intimate with your coworker.


luvmydarling said:


> I also told my husband I spoke nothing intimate with him or even touched him/let him touch me.


Well..


luvmydarling said:


> I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him.


Telling someone that you have feelings for them and that you are attracted to them is pretty intimate, and so is telling them that you would welcome being married to them. Him telling you that he found you attractive and wanted to sleep with you also qualifies. The only reason you two haven't been intimate with each other is because your coworker didn't want to be, while you were keen and willing. Which are details you kept hidden from/lied to your husband about.


You mention him being unfaithful to his wife as if it's casual. It's not, infidelity is massively f***ed up and devastates the ones it affects, the betrayed spouse, family, friends...

Your work college probably has been truthful with you, but that's not a good thing. The fact that he is comfortable basically confessing to being a scumbag to you means that he senses the same deplorable moral character and ethical fibre that he possesses in you.

How does the fact that he has cheated not turn you off him? Have you thought of his wife in your interactions with him, do you have any consideration for her and her family?

You have feelings for him, fine it "happens". Though in reality, these feelings didn't just happen to you. You nurtured them. You spent time with your coworker and invested your emotional energy in him, fostered them and allowed them to grow.

You also keep mentioning wanting to know if your coworker has been honest with you? Why, who cares if he has or he hasn't been? Will he be in your life ten, twenty years from now? Has he met your friends and family? Will he be friends with your husband? Will you be friends with his wife, meet his friends and his family? Help raise his child? How does he fit into your life if he's not a part of it and how do you fit into his? This is you obsessing over him. Why aren't you concerned with being truthful and honest with _your_ husband?

Stop feeling guilty, being in your head so much, overthinking/feeling things, rationalizing and just be fortcoming and entirely truthful with your husband.

Talk to him and tell him about your feelings and entire relationship with your coworker. That is the only decent and adult way for you to proceed. He's your husband, you're supposed to communicate, trust and confide in him the same way he is supposed to with you. You're a team and you'll figure it out, but you have to be honest with him.

This is exhausting. Honestly, for someone older than me I feel like I'm writing to a child.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- no you cannot continue a friendship with POSOM.

No matter how you justify it or sugar coat it, you lied to your husband and you are lying to yourself.

It's not just your husband who is being hurt in this- heck he doesn't even know the full extent. You need to tell him the only reason you didn't have sex with POSOM is because POSOM said no. 

You will not find closure with one last meeting with POSOM, all that does is lead to another meeting etc.

You need to get away from your other man. He has a family as well.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Your work college probably has been truthful with you, but that's not a good thing. The fact that he is comfortable basically confessing to being a scumbag to you means that he senses the same deplorable moral character and ethical fibre that he possesses in you.


All this cat is doing is implying if they kept it on a "friends with occasional benefits", they could have something going. (Wingman to pick up women my azz) She, on the other hand is letting him know in order to play in the bushes, she wants more than an occasional booty call. They are still negotiating. Its the kind of story that gets folks talking to themselves. I know the score on this and ain't fooled by a damn site. Ain't that right LMD?:wink2:


----------



## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

The best part about this woman lying to her husband is this…

…she knows what the consequences of her actions would be.

She knows what she did and is now running as fast as possible to make it _her husband's fault_.

Good god woman.

You have no integrity whatsoever.

You had an emotional affair and are now doing your best to rugsweep it while keeping the OM in the wings as a fall back.

Just tell your husband everything now…because you are going to sleep with the OM eventually anyways.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I sense a glimmer of mature responsibility in some of your recent posts, but honestly, this didn't just 'happen' to you. You DID this. You broke your marriage vows. You hurt your husband. If (I hope it's 'when') he understands the extent of your actions, you may begin to see the depth of hurt that you are inflicting.

Frankly, I think you are in your own deluded fantasy bubble here. I think it's very possible that the OM didn't take this farther because he's really not that into you. I think it's very possible that the romance is in your head.

You are like the sailor rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic after feeling the jolt of the iceberg. You are trying to read the mind of the OM and are fretting about whether you 'love' him. All the while, your marriage is going under.

You need to focus on your HUSBAND. You will regret it if you don't. Tell him the whole truth and see what he will offer in the way of reconciliation. If you were my spouse, I would be alarmed at how sophomoric this all is and would think very hard about the character and maturity of the person I married.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sure OP meeting with another man every day in secret and talking about being attracted to each other and weather or not you should sleep together = not intimate. What is intimate in your opinion? 

You weren't honest with your H, and your little attempt to set things right will fail. You are still minimizing your EA. Anything you do based on lies is going to fall apart.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

You did lie to him you never told your husband you wanted to sleep with your om that you basically threw yourself at him and how even right now if he said I love you lets have sex you would be ridding him like a Harley on a bad stretch of road!!!!

Please leave your husband he deserves a faithful wife not one that wants to cheat and is on here trying to find out how to be a great wife with her om on the side as a "friend".


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There is a slight possibility that POS didn't take the easy sex that OP shamelessly threw at him because he was not really into her but I believe he's was building up the tension to get OP so hot for him before unwrapping her. Getting her so hooked that she'll settle for FWB and be his desperate wing woman for possible threesomes with other gullible women.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> Yes I have strong feelings for OM. I don't understand how everyone here believes that can never happen? Are we saying it is not possible? there is a lot of literature available on this topic and it is a grey area for sure. I understand we should not act on our feelings which I did to some extent by having conversations, going for coffee, spending time inside the office. But, that WAS it. We never touched each other. Well, he never touched me and I swear to God. We did have oppurtunities(quite a few). This is one of things that makes me think he was honest with me.


It's not a grey area. That's just you rationalizing what you are doing. 

And if you have done the reading that you claim, you know that the only way to end your feelings in a reasonable time to this POSOM is to cut off contact. It's heroin, once you are addicted, you can't just have a little bit. 

And you are betraying your husband by giving that level of intimacy to anyone other than your husband. 

It looks he rug swept what you did tell him. But here's the thing, either it's going to get physical with the OM or you're going to move on to another EA. You are on a path that will destroy your family. It's really black and white.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> He has helped me through some rough patches at work, life in general etc and it is hard to forget all of that.


Imagine how that would have felt if it was your HUSBAND helping you through rough patches and life in general.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> Imagine how that would have felt if it was your HUSBAND helping you through rough patches and life in general.


Well, just for chuckles, let's imagine how good her husband would have felt if he had been given the chance to help his wife through some rough patches and life in general instead of another man.

Isn't that one of the primary components of marriage? You know; for better or for worse?

I've been wrong before though.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *“… he will always be close to my heart*
> 
> he has cheated on his wife, he took time away from his son to be with me at work
> 
> I remember blurting out to him once that *I welcome the idea of being married to him”*



The only reason you did not have sex with the OM is that he put up a barrier. If he would have not put up the barrier you would have completed the 100% betrayal.

*You are a foolish weak woman that has very little understanding of real life.*

The OM probably does have some good qualities but so does your husband. One difference in your teenage fantasy is that you have not lived with the OM; you just feast you imagination on your fantasy romance feeling for this OM. You do not realize that if this man and you were to get together that he would have to put up with your selfishness, your vulnerability for fantasy, and the fact that he knows that you have proved that you will betray your husband and children for some emotional spikes and feelings. Those are just a few and I did not even mention all the things that life brings married couples that are not a fantasy. You just think about the OM actions that make you feel good and do not consider his bad points, (betray of his wife and child for one) that you would see if you had to live life with him and face all of life’s reality without the fantasy.

You have coffee and talk to this OM for a month, you know almost nothing about a long term life with this man, and you then betray your husband and children,* so how much trust and love do you think that deserves?*

You do seem like a woman that wants to try and make thing better. Here is one thing that you can do to start to repair the damage. You write a letter with your husband watching and send it to the OM and tell him to never have any contact with you again and that you realize that you were a teenage foolish girl that lived in fantasy land. Also tell the OM if he tries to contact you will go to his wife and tell her and everyone else that would make him face his selfishness.

You will be very lucky if you can get though this, keep your marriage, and keep the permanent damage to your relationship with your husband to a minimum.

The fact that you still have a teenage emotional strong attachment to the OM mans that you are *still* betraying your husband and giving to the OM what should only be for your husband. You have rejected your husband and replaced him with your romance novel fantasy man. You had better get a good MC and then you had better FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL. *Your feelings are weak and unworthy of discernment.*

If you do the right things for a very long time (Years) and your husband is a strong and forgiving man then you can save your marriage and maybe have a good relationship.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You trickle truths and glossed things over with your husband, and you manipulated him in such a way that he is now promising to step up and do what you need him to do to be more like the OM. That is kind of greedy don't you think? Having two men feeding your ego now?

But how are you stepping up to be a better wife? You are still veiling your actions in lies and deceit. The OM is manipulating you and now you are manipulating your husband. 

Deceit and manipulation. Is this the person you want to be?


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

She is here not wanting help to save her marriage she wants help on how to keep her husband happy while she pursues the om.

Tell your husband how you threw yourself at him....begged him to sleep with you....how you promised nasty porn star sex to him...... Helping him cheat on his wife......and you will see what your husband does.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

My "real world" analysis is her "love interest" has transferred from her husband to the other man. It just a matter of time before they are wrapped together in damp, tangled, sheets in his buddy's apartment, an out of the way motel, or maybe the back seat of a car. In the real world he can have her any time he wants her. I'm can't say who's getting played, her/him or him, or us. I'm perplexed. Most married men out for ONS would have already tagged a woman with the hots for them for luck.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In my time here I can remember four WWs who came here to TAM looking for advice on how to get out of EAs, and they ended up sleeping with their OMs anyway. Zanne is the most recent that I can recall. Once that snowball gets rolling downhill it's hard for these women to stop the momentum.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Right now your husband is digesting everything you told him. If you think this is over then your wrong. You can bet the house that when he's alone, driving to work or doing something on his own, he's going to be thinking about this and the bell is going to go off in his head and then he's going to be asking you more questions and believe me when I say, he remembers every word you said and all it takes is one little thing different said when he asks you again and the $h!t will hit the fan.

I think your in some sort of a dream world where this will blow over and honestly if he just lets this go and doesn't ask anymore questions then it's either rug sweeping or a really gullible man.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> In my time here I can remember four WWs who came here to TAM looking for advice on how to get out of EAs, and they ended up sleeping with their OMs anyway. Zanne is the most recent that I can recall. Once that snowball gets rolling downhill it's hard for these women to stop the momentum.


I was in an EA when my marriage was on the rocks. I woke up and told OM (a family friend) to shove off.

It can be done. The OP in this case has to have enough *self-respect* to not break her marriage commitment by cheating. In my case, I decided I would rather eat my own sh!t than subject my family to the joke of an affair with a supposed family friend.

It took a while to realize I was in the fog of zombie marriage, looking for any escape from my pain except the necessary one: to end our horrible marriage. Once I pulled myself out of the fog--with some counselling and great online support--I realized our "friend" was just an immature, selfish clown. It let me walk away clean and laughing. He even tried to stay friends with both of us once I moved out. Told me when I started dating to 'not take it too seriously'. LOL, I wasn't having any of it and cut contact with him. Haven't spoken again to this day.

@ OP - Be strong and don't shy away from what scares you most. Generally that gibbering monkey means "pay attention"!


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.
> 
> I am married, early 30s ( both of us). *I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me.* I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore *we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. **I also feel a little rejected *since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.
> 
> ...


You definitely don't love your husband or you would not be pining for this douche. Think about what you're saying. "He will always be close to my heart." Really? You know this d-bag for a few months and he'll always be in your heart? 

Let me tell you. He's garbage. Betraying his wife and child and he admits he cheated before too. That's the kind of man you want to give yourself to? 

You must TOTALLY come clean to your husband. Let him know how much time you were spending with this POS. He needs to know that you DID discuss sex. More accurately how you shamelessly through your vag at this guy and how he didn't go for it. That the only reason some man didn't have his way with his wife was because he didn't go for it.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Luvmydarling,
I think you are making a mistake in understanding the difference between a man’s needs and a woman’s needs. You think your colleague thinks like you do and he does not.
I have a single friend who told me that sometimes it doesn’t even matter if sex happens sometimes its just enough to know she wanted to.
You willingness to engage with your colleague sexually meets a significant in him as a man.


You have become a “notch” on his emotional belt. He gets the validation of his desirability with the trappings of a messy and all-consuming affair. (He prefers one night stands) plus he gets to string you along for further edification and potential service as a wing woman.

Now ask yourself this, “How would your husband feel to know that you would offer his confidence as a man, his sense of sexual adequacy and his desirability, as well as your marriage and family and sacrifice it at the altar of this colleague’s penis.”

It’s a very heady sacrifice for your colleague to receive but a soul crushing realization for you faithful husband.

It is the kind of thought that many a man (i.e. your husband) will never get over, it will color his view of his marriage from that moment on.

Did you make it clear to your husband that this was the point you had come to with your love for this colleague?

*


luvmydarling said:



I also told my husband I spoke nothing intimate with him.

Click to expand...

*


luvmydarling said:


> Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me






luvmydarling said:


> I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me.
> 
> Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands.


This seems very intimate to me!!


luvmydarling said:


> Ofcourse, I had intentions of going physical but that never happened.


Did you tell your husband this?



luvmydarling said:


> Yes I have strong feelings for OM
> I understand we should not act on our feelings which I did to some extent by having conversations, going for coffee, spending time inside the office.
> But, that WAS it.
> This is one of things that makes me think he was honest with me.


He was not being honest with you he was being cautious of you. He knew that an affair with you would get very messy eventually. Don’t flatter yourself, he does not really respect you. Men who respect you will not take you out for drinks and see if they can hook you emotionally.
Then when he saw how easily you came around and with what enthusiasm he fed you that line of $hit that he would not want to lose respect for you because he knows you would not do a one night stand.

I guarantee you that if you had said “I will agree to a ONS just for fun” the two of you would have been bumping uglies that night. (and your husband would be destroyed and only a fraction of himself today because of it)


luvmydarling said:


> I feel like I am the one head over heels with him


You downplayed this to your husband and deceived him. Which means your husband does not really have the information he needs to protect his marriage.

You are taking that away from him and trying to manage it back to health without him knowing the full truth.

That is very disrespectful to a husband. Do you not have trust or confidence in your husband?



luvmydarling said:


> He also wanted me to be someone like a wingwoman for him to pick up women who are interested in one night stands, I am thinking of helping him now.


Honestly luvmydarling, this is so inappropriate that it’s hard to believe you are even serious about considering it. (Your husband would be pissed I am sure)

Listen you own this man NOTHING his promiscuity with you has almost cost you your marriage and your husband his happiness for a very long time. If you really are this gullible then you really are a time bomb just waiting to blow up your family.
You need protection and surveillance, with clear boundaries!!!


How do you think your husband would really feel if he understood the true nature of your feelings for you colleague?

These are the reasons that some (my self included) are saying you have deceived you husband about the true nature of your feelings for you colleague.



luvmydarling said:


> My husband was shocked. Little confused but mostly understanding. He said these things happen more than people realize.


Your husbands response is way too subdued to think he really understands your behaviors or your state of mind.
I wish you well.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.
> 
> I am married, early 30s ( both of us). I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. I also feel a little rejected since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.
> 
> ...



I respect any man that sets boundaries even with co-workers. However its an emotional affair. You should be thrilled he respected you that much to not want to throw away being friends to something that hurts both marriages and a friendship. Is that worth the risk for some action in bed? He obviously values everything else above humping you including respect for you. You should feel a massive sigh of relief. Noe start a no contact and leave him to his life and you with yours. Did he take things too far? Sure. Did you have a reason to get involved? No. Is your hubs going to accept having sex with you when in your mind its the other guy? This is where you have to be real.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I agree with all your replies here. I feel terrible. I haven't had the energy to focus on anything since the last 48 hours. I have cried and cried and have slept in my bed for almost 35 out of 48 hours. I had no one/no place to turn to which is why I decided to post here to receive a well deserved kick in the butt, which I have received, and push me to reality.
> 
> I don't blame the guy, if anything I have been willing in all the conversations. He has helped me through some rough patches at work, life in general etc and it is hard to forget all of that.
> 
> I did make an appointment for therapy and would like to explore why I needed that ego boost/attention. I am very curious about what the outcome will be.


When my wife was rejected by her affair partner, I am not sure that she was more upset about her falling for the other guy and ultimately could not get what she wanted from him or her coming back to me. I may never know what was really in her mind. I still do not know what I did wrong. She says nothing. But confusion is at the heart of these things.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here
> 
> I took a very courageous step and I am back to report my progress and also obtain your feedback. I sat my husband don and told him we need to get ore close, take a break from work, not let stress get to us I told I wanted us to be more intimate. I then went a step ahead and told him I got close to a colleague since we were both so busy with work and me spending 9-10 hours a day at work and I ended up talking a lot to a colleague. I also told my husband I spoke nothing intimate with him or even touched him/let him touch me. My husband was shocked. Little confused but mostly understanding. He said these things happen more than people realize. We are planning a one week getaway, just the two of us, next month. I am relieved to say the very least. And ofcourse, thank you all for pushing me to have this conversation (I used up all of my sunday morning)!
> 
> As for my colleague, I think I will let him know that we had gone too far and that I want to cut all the conversations we used to have and act as adults and be respective of our own lives and spouses. In my next post, I will clarify some of the statements/questions that many of you have accurately pointed out.



This is a rug-sweep!!! Sorry but it not that easy!!!


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

How big an ego boost did he give you when you threw yourself at him and he said no? That has to be bad a cheater that cheats on his wife refused to have sex with you!! A guy who you said wants you to wingman so he can cheat more won't touch you with a 10 foot poll....

But hey he is special and has a place in your heart. the pure hatred you have for your husband that you can tread him with such hate and disrespect is astonishing.

Man just divorce you husband already he clearley does not deserve you and go full bore after this awesome man you truley love and deserves a caring wonderful faithful woman like you.

Seriously you husband deserves a wife that will well be a loyal good wife something you can't and WON'T give him because you love a cheater loser pos of a man.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> I have a wonderful marriage and husband and I don't know why I did this. Hope I can find an answer eventually.


Doesn't look like it since you can cheat easily on him....Wonderful marriage to you, a fake marriage to your husband IMO. You get it all and he's the sucker in love with a cheater...

You want an answer, it's about you only. And it's still about you. Instead of working on your supposed wonderful marriage you want to salvage this friendship for YOU.

No sympathy for you whatsoever, you're so full of yourself still.

When you pick your marriage over your friend, come back and talk about it.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ohhh

You guys chased off another one!


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here -- it makes me wonder, what if I cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc. He is wonderful person otherwise and I believe we all make mistakes.


If you want a wonderful friendship. you should make it with the H that you said was so wonderful. Once you've crossed that line with the feelings you can never be friends with that person. Nor should you want to. If you Love your H be his best friend.

Why would you even want to be friends with a man that would ask you to be a wing-man for him so he can cheat on his W. He's a scum bag! I can't understand why people are so willing to throw away a good person for someone with NO MORALS! jmo sorry, but you asks..


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Ohhh
> 
> You guys chased off another one!


Ha ha ha, yeah the truth doesn't taste any better in small bites than it does in large gulps for a WW.

It leaves a bad taste in their mouth, but Bandit I know you jest :wink2:


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I have wondered through this thread whether the 'darling' in the OP's screen name is her OM or her BH.

(I fear it's the OM. Her posts remind me of the conversations I had with girlfriends that I would meet in the girl's room to sneak a smoke with in ninth grade.)


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> I wasn't clear, what I meant is he said he won't have sex with me since it will change how he looks at me.


I think that one is at the beginning of Chapter 3 of _The Quintessential Player's handbook - Getting the married woman, what phrases to use to gain your target's trust_.



luvmydarling said:


> ...I had no one/no place to turn to which is why I decided to post here to receive a well deserved kick in the butt, which I have received, and push me to reality.


Uh, what about your H? You said you "have a wonderful marriage and husband", Doesn't he have your back?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Ha ha ha, yeah the truth doesn't taste any better in small bites than it does in large gulps for a WW.
> 
> It leaves a bad taste in their mouth, but Bandit I know you jest :wink2:


Bunch of mean-azz bastards.....


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Luvmydarling,
> I think you are making a mistake in understanding the difference between a man’s needs and a woman’s needs. You think your colleague thinks like you do and he does not.
> I have a single friend who told me that sometimes it doesn’t even matter if sex happens sometimes its just enough to know she wanted to.
> You willingness to engage with your colleague sexually meets a significant in him as a man.
> ...


Based on what was written, if there is truth to it, I don't suspect this OM was seeking any validation, he's looking for another piece on the side. He was trying to dial her into the safest setting for his own protection (of having his own world destroyed) by playing hot and cold until he knew that LMD would settle for discrete sex with him. But LMD was talking marrying the guy (too much, to much) so he backed it off as rejected her (neg) and wanted her to wingman for him (to keep her engaged in this illicit behavior with him) hoping she'd become horny enough to let him jump her bones without feeling like she was taken advantage of (or more importantly, becoming scorned when she found out he wasn't into a long term relationship with her and had no intentions of divorcing his W to be with LMD). There has quite clearly been a lot of manipulation going on, either by this OM or else by LMD stringing us along.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I did not lie. I never laid a finger on him, neither did he. I swear to God. *Ofcourse, I had intentions of going physical but that never happened.*


That's like saying "I was thinking of shooting you, but I didn't and have since gotten rid of the gun."...

It's not the instrument that you were going to use, but what YOU where thinking about doing with it(OM).

You may have dodged a bullet this time, but you have admitted that you were in an EA(cheating) and that you were thinking about going PA(worse cheating, in my book).

You and your Husband can go to MC, but YOU need to figure out why YOU were ready to have sex with someone else, before it happens again - And you may not pull the brake handle the next time.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Lon said:


> Based on what was written, if there is truth to it, I don't suspect this OM was seeking any validation, he's looking for another piece on the side. He was trying to dial her into the safest setting for his own protection (of having his own world destroyed) by playing hot and cold until he knew that LMD would settle for discrete sex with him. But LMD was talking marrying the guy (too much, to much) so he backed it off as rejected her (neg) and wanted her to wingman for him (to keep her engaged in this illicit behavior with him) hoping she'd become horny enough to let him jump her bones without feeling like she was taken advantage of (or more importantly, becoming scorned when she found out he wasn't into a long term relationship with her and had no intentions of divorcing his W to be with LMD). There has quite clearly been a lot of manipulation going on, either by this OM or else by LMD stringing us along.


Lon,
I think I proffered exactly what you are saying here (with the exception of validation), but I like the way you said it much better.

Validation is an intangible result, a good banging is very tangible.

But it is the manipulation that is the most obvious and most disputable feature here, and you said that well Lon.

One other thing for the op to consider, she will never be safe with this man, he may keep the relationship in stasis for the time being using that thin veneer of mutual self respect, but he knows with a little effort he can convert it to whatever he wants, some alcohol, a few words and he can hit and run or start a full blown affair.

My guess is that at some transition point, he moves, changes jobs, etc when they will no longer interact as much, he will want to "say good by" with a move toward sex. Just be aware op, and have nothing further to do with him.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I am going through a terrible phase, having screwed up and facing consequences of my own actions.
> 
> I am married, early 30s ( both of us). I met a man, also married and 1 kid, at work and would occasionally chat with him, go for coffee. Once we went for drinks and he told me he is attracted to me and wants to sleep with me. I think that acted like a huge ego boost to me and I fell for him. After that, it was a limerance kind of phase : I always wanted to talk to him, be with him, had thoughts about him, lost some focus at work, forgot how to be a wife at home, forgot my family etc. I told him after a few days of the drinks meeting that I also had feelings for him and am attracted to him. He listened carefully to me. Ofcourse, he is the kind who is more than happy to have sex ( one time or a few times and forget the woman). However, he did mention to me that if he and I were to be involved physically then I would not be the same person in his eyes since I am not the kind of woman who is involved in one night stands. He mentioned he values my friendship and therefore we should try and not to get involved sexually. I agreed but I do have physical feelings for him. I also feel a little rejected since I know I am attractive to a lot of men in general but this man did give me very valid reasons for us not to sleep with each other. So, I controlled the feelings.
> 
> ...



Wow this guys is good.. 

And you are dumb.. 

Do you have a clue how stupid it sounds when you say you want to tell him you're hurt that he rejected you but that you will control your feelings because you respect him and he is wise.. 



> I am thinking of having a chat with him next week and telling him that I am hurt he rejected me sexually, I still have feelings, I will control my feelings and focus my energy on my husband but he will always be close to my heart


Had to quote it..

Keep reading that over and over and over..

Now imagine you explaining that to your husband.. 

Wake the fvck up.. Grow the fvck up.. 

You're in your 30s for christ sake.. I thought woman got really smart in their 30s.. I thought that was the time when women really started putting the brakes on things and started looking for a real relationship if they haven't had one already.. The whole biological time clock thing.. 

Man this guy is good.. 

I really,really feel stupid because I just don't have the fortitude or lack of respect for myself and women as a whole to do this sort of stuff..

But this man is good.. 

Get a marriage counselor and bring your husband in and tell him what is going on.. 

Look this isn't rocket science though some people can act like it is sometimes.. You need to end this. You need to realize that this is wrong in so many fvcking ways.. 

Stop acting like the wounded sparrow because it just isn't gonna fly with your husband.. 

Its this simple.. I fvcked up.. This is what I did.. I will work to find out why I did it and I will take my lumps from you for doing what I did.. I understand it will take years for you to get over it and I will what I must to fix this between us.. 

Others will come and tell you the rest about telling his wife and so forth...


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Seriously, asking you to be his wing woman was a zen master-level mindfvck. If I ever decide to be a totally amoral dbag, your AP would be a great role model. 

Can you not see you are being played? 

And trickle-truthing? Every minute you don't come out with the full, unspun truth is another lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Glad I didn't marry you
Not only do you cheat on your husband - YES its cheating what you did - BUT your incapable of knowing to run in the opposite direction as quick as possible and tell your husband - yuck


----------



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Seriously, you think anybody can be this naive. It can't be for real. Unless were talking to a ninth grader.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Lon said:


> or else by LMD stringing us along.





giddiot said:


> Seriously, you think anybody can be this naive. It can't be for real. Unless were talking to a ninth grader.


Exactly.





Hardtohandle said:


> Wow this guys is good..


Naw. If he was, he would have nailed her. Back in the day, I would have; if she sprang for dinner and a $100 tip.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lon said:


> Based on what was written, if there is truth to it, I don't suspect this OM was seeking any validation, he's looking for another piece on the side. He was trying to dial her into the safest setting for his own protection (of having his own world destroyed) by playing hot and cold until he knew that LMD would settle for discrete sex with him. But LMD was talking marrying the guy (too much, to much) so he backed it off as rejected her (neg) and wanted her to wingman for him (to keep her engaged in this illicit behavior with him) hoping she'd become horny enough to let him jump her bones without feeling like she was taken advantage of (or more importantly, becoming scorned when she found out he wasn't into a long term relationship with her and had no intentions of divorcing his W to be with LMD). There has quite clearly been a lot of manipulation going on, either by this OM or else by LMD stringing us along.


This seems like a plausible scenario to me. I know a lot of posters are wondering, "how can she be such an idiot?" but haven't we seen this play out here time and again?

He may not have tapped that because he knows she's going to get all clingy and needy (she seems like the type) on him but he still wants to keep her in play.

Having seen it first hand, certain gullible infatuated women will buy into anything. Throw in her stale marriage and decent looking PUA OM and it's like shooting ducks in a barrel.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> op here -- it makes me wonder, what if i cut all my feelings for him and he does the same, *is it not possible to have a "normal" friendship without the exclusive meetings etc*. He is wonderful person otherwise and i believe we all make mistakes.


nooooo!


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> If he was, he would have nailed her. Back in the day, I would have; if she sprang for dinner and a $100 tip.


Out of morbid curiosity.... is the $100 tip for the waiter or you, LOL?


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The $100 would have been for me. The waiter would have been extra. That was many moons ago. Now days if they handed me a $100, they'd expect $95 in change. >


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

OP here

I have not digested all of your posts here, I imagine I need to do a lot of reading in between the lines. I met my therapist today , I am happy I got that going. We will see how that works for me. 

I haven't met the guy for 5 days now, he sent me a text ( usual, hello types) and I just responded as I would to other colleagues or friends. 

One thing I realized, as I Was talking in therapy today, is that this surge of feelings has mostly been from my side only. I know my colleague mentioned that he wants to sleep with me but I don't count that any more since it could be a "pick up" line just to get me going. Aside from that one comment, he did not make any other comment or move. That makes me feel I am the one head over heels and I have started to stop the thoughts in my head (my therapist is also helping me with this since I mentioned it as one of my goals) by soaking myself further into work, planning other goals, vacation with the husband etc.

I feel like a fool for allowing these feelings to cloud me but I also realize there may be deeper rooted issues I have to address. Fortunately or unfortunately, this experience has brought some issues to the surface. I now have to find a way to address them.


----------



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I haven't met the guy for 5 days now, he sent me a text ( usual, hello types) and I just responded as I would to other colleagues or friends.


You replied? May I ask why you did that?


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

luvmydarling said:


> I have not digested all of your posts here, I imagine I need to do a lot of reading in between the lines.


Wow:|...

*luvmydarling*, I don't know if you've been selective in what you choose to take away from each post and you're purposefully ignoring what's been written, or if this is some form of psychosis, but none of the posts have been intentionally vague or cryptic.

There is no need to _'read between the lines'_. The posts are explicit and direct.

With regard to your coworker:

End all contact, communication and interaction with him.


With regard to your husband:

Be forthcoming, truthful and honest with him. Tell him everything relating to your thoughts and feelings, interactions and relationship with your coworker. Don't lie to him, minimize, tell partial-truths or withhold any information from him, be totally and COMPLETELY HONEST.


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

*TERMINATE/CEASE/END ALL CONTACT, COMMUNICATION AND INTERACTIONS WITH YOUR COWORKER/OTHER MAN.*

You do not send texts to him, you do not reply to any messages from him. You do not call him or take his calls. You do not initiate or respond to any form of communication from him.

You block and delete all of his contact information and do not see and interact with him in person.



alte dame said:


> you need to break off all contact with him.





bluewoman said:


> you can't be friends with this man.





bluewoman said:


> cut off all contact





conanhub said:


> cut all contact with the other man





icey181 said:


> 1) cut _all_ contact with the om. Now.





brooklynann said:


> stop talking to this man.





bandit.45 said:


> dump this chump.





vulcan2013 said:


> go no contact





conanhub said:


> don't be so silly. Cut all contact.





roselyn said:


> you need to stop communications with this man immediately.





nightmare01 said:


> you need to cut all contact with this om





mountainrunner said:


> go nc with him





conanhub said:


> cut all contact with om.





conanhub said:


> you need to cut contact.





workindad said:


> op- no you cannot continue a friendship with posom.





workindad said:


> you need to get away from your other man.





bluewoman said:


> cut off contact.





mr blunt said:


> you write a letter with your husband watching and send it to the om and tell him to never have any contact with you again


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

*TELL YOUR HUSBAND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND INTERACTIONS WITH YOUR COWORKER.*

*BE COMPLETELY HONEST!*

Tell him about all your thoughts, feelings, intentions, lunches, conversations, what you said to him, what he said to you, everything.



kristin2349 said:


> you need to have an honest conversation about your ea with your h and cut this guy off completely.





conanhub said:


> tell your husband. Confess everything to him





kristin2349 said:


> tell the whole truth of your affair to your husband





tom67 said:


> good = telling your husband.:smile2:





icey181 said:


> 2) tell your husband everything.





6301 said:


> my advice to you is come clean, and not only be honest with your husband but be honest with yourself





vulcan2013 said:


> only way through is to confess





roselyn said:


> expose yourself to your husband.





nightmare01 said:


> and tell your husband what's been going on





conanhub said:


> you actually need to tell him everything





conanhub said:


> be totally honest with your h. You are trickle truthing.





conanhub said:


> your husband needs to know and that you wanted sex and were upset when he turned you down.





conanhub said:


> he needs to know every aspect of your relationship with om. Wingwoman, his cheating, everything.





workindad said:


> you need to tell him the only reason you didn't have sex with posom is because posom said no.





icey181 said:


> just tell your husband everything now…





alte dame said:


> tell him the whole truth





terrence4159 said:


> tell your husband how you threw yourself at him....begged him to sleep with you....how you promised nasty porn star sex to him.





hardtohandle said:


> tell him what is going on.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hahaha! Locke. LOL! 

I guess maybe we have been too ambiguous! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Locke.Stratos said:


> *TELL YOUR HUSBAND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND INTERACTIONS WITH YOUR COWORKER.*
> 
> *BE COMPLETELY HONEST!*
> 
> Tell him about all your thoughts, feelings, intentions, lunches, conversations, what you said to him, what he said to you, everything.


I agree


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> One thing I realized, as I Was talking in therapy today, is that this surge of feelings has mostly been from my side only. I know my colleague mentioned that he wants to sleep with me but I don't count that any more since it could be a "pick up" line just to get me going.


Here's something that may help, me reading between the lines and all. Drive down the road and find an isolated spot where no one can hear you. Step out of the car and scream, "I am lying to myself about how wonderful I think my husband is and I really want to F the other man's brains out." At least you will be saying something that's honest.


----------



## SAbrokenhearted (Jul 14, 2015)

Please take it from someone who has recently been on the opposite side of such a "friendship. End all communication with this man. It destroyed me when I found out my Husband was having as emotional affair, if he had remained "friends" it would have ended our marriage immediately. Now our marriage is in limbo (but that's another story). Your husband doesn't deserve this. Why do you still need this man in your life? The truth always comes out about these affairs and if you carry on "being friends" it will destroy you all. Please just walk away and seek counseling for your actions.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

luvmydarling said:


> I feel like a fool for allowing these feelings to cloud me but I also realize there may be deeper rooted issues I have to address. Fortunately or unfortunately, this experience has brought some issues to the surface. I now have to find a way to address them.


You sound like you are starting to slowly wake up from your ridiculous fantasy. Your ego is taking a nose dive and it hurts so your brain is trying to minimize the damage by holding out hope (eg "could" be a pickup line). Don't be an idiot, it IS a pickup line. One of many, another piece of ego kibble, fed to you to keep you on the hook. You still keep in contact because you don't want to accept you are being played like a fiddle. That you could be so stupid. Breaking off contact would validate that you were duped and you think you're so clever sneaking around behind your husband's back.

Cheaters have MASSIVE egos. They are so doped up on compliments they can't even see what's in front of them. Your head is like a giant balloon right now slowly deflating. It needs to pop. You need to take a BIG swallow of your pride and accept that you ARE a gullible fool. You're a FOOL! It's obvious to EVERYONE hear but you. More importantly you need to STOP being played for one. 

Just because you let yourself get manipulated doesn't mean you can't put an end to it today. Send a "No contact" message, block his number/email, cease ALL contact immediately. Confess to your husband and seek counseling together. Stop this before you end up just another notch on this guy's belt.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha! Locke. LOL!
> 
> I guess maybe we have been too ambiguous!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As Yoggi said it's like dejavu all over again.:laugh:


----------



## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha! Locke. LOL!
> 
> I guess maybe we have been too ambiguous!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know right, all these _vague_ and _ambiguous_ posts.. Get it together people!! She's not a mind reader:wink2::grin2:.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

God have mercy! This woman is dense. What don't you understand? 

I guess people at TAM wasn't telling you what you wanted to hear. So, you are now making up what you read and think you understand.

No therapy is going to help you until you are honest with yourself. You are living a lie.

Wake the freak up. This is not going to end well for you. Or maybe your husband is just one stupid man, who will live in ignorance forever. As you continue to feed him lies.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

luvmydarling said:


> OP here
> 
> I have not digested all of your posts here, I imagine I need to do a lot of reading in between the lines. I met my therapist today , I am happy I got that going. We will see how that works for me.
> 
> ...


*Gahghh! NO! You should have blocked his number*! 

What the hell is wrong with you?


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Locke.Stratos*
> TERMINATE/CEASE/END ALL CONTACT, COMMUNICATION AND INTERACTIONS WITH YOUR COWORKER/OTHER MAN.
> 
> You do not send texts to him, you do not reply to any messages from him. You do not call him or take his calls. You do not initiate or respond to any form of communication from him.
> ...



*To: Lovemydarling
If you do not do what the post above says then you are just playing head games and are not serious about your betrayal.*


----------



## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

my 2cents,

Lady if you want this OM leave your husband get a divorce. Its either OM or the husband. Don't Monkey around and hold on to two branches before you let go. coz that's just cold hearted and mean. 

Dont treat your Husband like plan B.

If you don't wanna tell your husband and don't want a divorce go NC with this OM.


----------

