# Wife and I too different - considering divorce before it gets worse



## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

This is tough.

I could type pages of background on what I'm going through, but I'll try and keep it simple. My wife and I have been together for over four years, married for over two years and recently had a baby (5 months old).

We are very different people. Both raised and grew up differently. I left my house at 18 for college and to live on my own (got a job, bought my own house, own car, etc). She stayed at home and went to college and continued to stay at home instead of going out on her own. My parents were strict. Her parents were not strict and (to a degree) spoiled her.

She loves shopping (one main issue with us) and is very materialistic. I am not. While I enjoy the nicer things in life I don't buy things just to buy something. I plan ahead and she doesn't. She'll buy something and leave it in the same spot in the house for a month.

I could go on for a long time, but the point is I've had thoughts of separating for a couple years. Even after we decided to try for a baby (which took a year) we talked about our differences and our talks always ended with her saying she would "change". She has gotten better but the same old differences between is exist. Even with our beautiful baby I'm not happy. I see how she behaves and it drives me crazy inside.

I honestly do not believe my wife and I agree on anything. I'm more mature and direct. I feel honestly, integrity and working hard are all things very important as a person. She just "goes with the flow". She talks about "doing" things all the time but never does them.

In our family I work, cook, clean the dishes and kitchen, tidy up the house, do the laundry and help out with our baby. My wife is now a stay at home mother but once our baby is sleeping she goes right to her iPhone or laptop and starts shopping. Buying things to her is more important than eating or sleeping.

Example: Sunday morning our baby woke up at 5am. My wife stayed up and even though our baby took a four hour nap that afternoon my wife did not want to sleep. She went online and shopped. I was annoyed. Then 11pm rolls around and she's online shopping instead of sleeping. Then she'll complain about being tired...

There's obviously much more to our story than the above, but I keep feeling we won't last. I feel she's so ungrateful for what she has. Her parents love me to death, they were both poor and worked very hard to support their kids. They see how much I've provided for their daughter and they love it. They tell me all the time and I have to keep telling them to stop buying me stuff or cooking for me.

My wife and I will actually get into an argument because I keep asking her to drink water or stay healthy. It's that stupid. I mean, how do get upset at someone who is looking after your own health??? I tell her if she doesn't sleep, eat well and stay hydrated she will end up getting sick and she won't be able to take care of our baby. I work 40-50 hours a week and financially provide very well for our family. I don't care if she spends money, it's just the fact that it's all she does when she has a free second.

She's promised to learn how to cook dozens of times. Doesn't do it. She's promised to pick up other interests other than shopping. Doesn't do it. She's promised to start working out and eating well. Doesn't do it.

I'm nearing my end and it's very hard because both our parents are friends and get along very well. If I bought up the idea of leaving my wife both parents would go nuts. Plus, I would be hurting my baby as she grows up. My biggest fear is my baby will grow up with the same habits as my wife. The more I think about it the more I realize I don't love her anymore and our marriage (which I planned not her) was more out of convenience than love.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've told her several times I wanted to see a marriage counselor but it never happened. Now with a baby there's no way to see one unless they came to our house, but again there's a baby.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

How is your sex life? 

Getting a divorce is not going to keep your child from being like her. 

You seem like you are perfect and everything is her fault. What do you think she would say about you? 

She's not a child, it sounds like you see her as one. As if she needs you to teach her how to be perfect. I would be annoyed if someone who treats me with disrespect started lecturing me about my health. 

Can't you hire a babysitter to go to counseling?


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I don't know about your wife but I'd have to differ with your own self assessment that you are mature. You've been feeling bad about the relationship for two years and you've been married two years? And with your stated misgivings you still went ahead with bringing a child into the mix?

Nothing comes of suggestions to see a marriage counselor? How about going yourself to a counselor and starting there. And with a baby you two can't see a marriage counselor unless he comes to the house? Hello, a babysitter, a child care provider. This is not an unsolvable problem and if the future of the lives of all three of you hang in the balance, you can find a way to solve this problem.

Your wife may be immature but she isn't the only immature one in this relationship and i don't mean the baby.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> How is your sex life?
> 
> Getting a divorce is not going to keep your child from being like her.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input but it's clear you have a negative issue with men. I never said I was perfect. But, I don't exaggerate on the things I do at home or at work. I support our entire household financially and yes I also cook/clean/do the laundry and take care of our baby.

Don't lean on the negative simply because you don't think men like us exist - we do.

In regards to her health, it is my RIGHT to tell her to be healthy. I am her husband and the father of our baby. Her heath IS my issue. If she doesn't take it seriously who will that impact? Me and our baby.

Thanks for your input regardless.


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## 1977hc (Mar 21, 2013)

Maneo said:


> I don't know about your wife but I'd have to differ with your own self assessment that you are mature. You've been feeling bad about the relationship for two years and you've been married two years? And with your stated misgivings you still went ahead with bringing a child into the mix?
> 
> Nothing comes of suggestions to see a marriage counselor? How about going yourself to a counselor and starting there. And with a baby you two can't see a marriage counselor unless he comes to the house? Hello, a babysitter, a child care provider. This is not an unsolvable problem and if the future of the lives of all three of you hang in the balance, you can find a way to solve this problem.
> 
> Your wife may be immature but she isn't the only immature one in this relationship and i don't mean the baby.


Thanks for your input. It seems all you folks care about is bashing the husband. Don't assume you know me simply because I'm complaining about my wife. I have a right to complain when she makes promises then breaks them time and time again.

Nice to see the people on these boards care more about assumptions than reality.

And, just to add to the husband bashing and what I'm talking about in terms of maturity. The balance in our bank account on December 1st was $16,000. Today I got an email alert from our bank stating our account was at $1,500. I did not spend that and only half of that amount was for the mortgage and bills. The rest was spend on online shopping.

But, according to you folks it's still my fault right? Perhaps I need to make more money. Perhaps I should do more around the house besides cook, clean, laundry, raise our baby. Yeah...let me get right on that after I work 40-50 hours a week and bring home $12k a month.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, I'm a guy, and I agree with the last poster. Find time and a way for counselling, to at least try to fix things. 

Having said that... It seems your wife is a spoiled princess who's never had to grow up. You're enabling that by treating her a child, rather than a capable adult. So consider your role in this relationship, and what you might do to change the dynamic. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> Dude, I'm a guy, and I agree with the last poster. Find time and a way for counselling, to at least try to fix things.
> 
> Having said that... It seems your wife is a spoiled princess who's never had to grow up. You're enabling that by treating her a child, rather than a capable adult. So consider your role in this relationship, and what you might do to change the dynamic.
> 
> ...


be careful with this. this is exactly what I tried to do with my wife and she wound up finding a guy who would continue to treat her like queen of the world.

If she was brought up this way this is all she knows. You may either have to decide to deal with it and hope one day she snaps out of it or move on...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unbe said:


> be careful with this. this is exactly what I tried to do with my wife and she wound up finding a guy who would continue to treat her like queen of the world.
> 
> If she was brought up this way this is all she knows. You may either have to decide to deal with it and hope one day she snaps out of it or move on...


I'm not saying he shouldn't get out. But I'm saying he should make an effort to fix things before getting out. Frankly, he should have bailed before kids came along, but that ship has sailed. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Oh I know men like you exist. You are too nice, you are doing too much. There are entire books written for men like you. 
I don't care if it's a man or a woman who posts, but the other person has their own side of things and that is relevant to your marriage. 
It doesn't matter if her view is misguided or spoiled or uninformed, you need to know what she thinks about you and what her complaints are. 
Because right now she is walking all over you and you are letting her. 
Look into taking control of the situation and see what you find.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She has had NO consequences for her behavior and her choices. so why SHOULDNT she continue to act like a spoiled princess? If you change nothing, then nothing changes. 

I would suggest you start by limiting her spending/access to the money. Give her a set amount that she is allowed to spend, and then THATS IT. Also you are doing too much around the house, considering she is a SAHM. Should you help out around the house and with the child? HELL YES. Should you have to do everything yourself? HELL NO. 

Get the grandparents to babysit while the two of you get to marriage counseling. Tell her up front that unless she agrees to go, her free ride is over. You have been allowing this, so now its time for YOU to turn it around.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think she is a spoiled princess but I also think the OP sounds like a pompass ass. 

It is not your RIGHT to tell your wife to be healthy.

Who's definition of healthy are you using? 

Maybe she has a different one than you. There are people who exercise 3 times a week and some that exercise every day. There are some people who eat nothing but healthy food and many who eat mostly healthy food. 

Unless she is grossly overweight and never exercises, you would be best to appreciate her for who she is instead of trying to enforce your values on her.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm a guy and I say get the "F**k out of Dodge". So let's say you curtail her spending and demand she starts doing more around the house. Even if it happens, she won't suddenly realize how wrong she was. She'll hate you for it even more.

You're doing okay financially it seems so you must know about business. Is your wife an asset or a liability? Can you salvage a division that is sapping cash out of the company, or do you cut your losses now and get rid of it? If you decide the former, will that division ever become the shining star of the company? Or will it merely stop bleeding and be just another appendage--not losing money but also not contributing much to the bottom line.

I think you know what to do.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I would also say that it sounds like she can get major child support and alimony. So what would be the best move?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Oldfaithful said:


> I would also say that it sounds like she can get major child support and alimony. So what would be the best move?


Alimony? After 4 years? Really?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

caladan said:


> Alimony? After 4 years? Really?


Depends on where you live.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Alimony isn't likely to be as much of an issue as child support for the next 18+ years...

C


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

You cook, clean, do laundry and take care of the baby? If I weren't married, I'd snatch you up myself! 
Seriously, it sounds to me like your mind is already made up that things aren't going to work out, and as someone already said, it would probably have been better to separate before you had a child. However, since you can't change the past, I would think seriously about custody. Do you really think your wife is the best person to take care of your child? Start documenting patterns of irresponsible behavior now, and keep concrete evidence, like the bank alerts.
Also, non-related, has she ever sought help for spending addiction?


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