# Caught! Need advice!



## hizarmywife (Sep 30, 2012)

Hey All, 

Found out today that my husband has been looking at porn behind my back and has been lying about it for a year. I'm currently pregnant with my second daughter and my hormones are super wacky and I dont put out much..I feel like its my fault.
Today he got a virus on our computer and had to come clean about watching porno...He even said if it wasnt for that virus he would of NEVER told me..
My husband has told me many times that he thinks porn is filth, and can destroy your mind but he looks at it?
Something I dont understand is, hell watch it, get an erection turn it off, then masterbates thinking about him and I. Does that make ANY since?
I asked him why he cant get his penis up just thinking about us or just me and he said it takes forever, so hell watch porn. 
I feel so betrayed, I dont know what to do. 
Any suggestions?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Men don't need to feel romantic , in love, emotional etc , we need a release of sexual tension every 2 or 3 days (varies). That is the way we are made.

You said "then masturbates thinking about him and I" that is a lie. He is not thinking about you. I know that's the way we guys are we like to think about other women, in our fantasies . Porn can be addictive, I know I have a difficult time staying away from it.but I do make an effort.

Only suggestion I can think of would be to give him as much sex as you can and when you don't feel like it ,give him a "hand job". keep him sexually exhausted so he doesn't have the energy to masturbate.

You will get better answers than mine here.But my answer is honest and simple.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't have a problem with porn, don't watch it myself but have no problem with my partner watching it. He is a grown man, he is entitled to privacy, I am not him keeper. We have a good sex life and TBH I value that he s open and honest with me, we talked about this sort of stuff early on and he openly told me all sorts of things.

I understand it is a huge issue for some women but can you take a step back and look at it differently? How do you think it is for him to have to hide this from you, do you think it might feel controlling and belittling to him.
People have fantasies and many are very visual, to suppress this or to have to hide it may lead to more hiding, lies and close down the communication. 

Can you sit down with him and have an open and frank discussion? Have you considered watching it with him?

My line is always anything that involves abuse or acts that are not consentual.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I too don't have a problem if my husband wanted to watch some straight female/male porn between adults. I personally wouldn't feel betrayed if he looked that kind of porn. It's fantasy. As long as our sex life is good and he is otherwise a good husband, I don't care if he occasionally looks at it provided he isn't addicted to it. I've assumed most men look at porn at various points in their lives. A famous sex researcher said "90% of men admit to look at porn and the other 10% are lying."


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

hisarmywife....

If he's not addicted (obsessive behavior with the porn).. then I think he is acting the normal husband. I don't think my husband would admit to looking at the internet porn (but I know he does).... But, yes, I could see him admitting to it if the computer got a virus. 

Most likely, he wouldn't admit it to me, but to our 19 yr old son, who he would plead to clean the virus off the computer.

Anyway... He is fantisizing. Yes, it makes sense to me.. and I do think it is probably normal. Do i like it all the time? No. But does it bother me everytime he does it? No.

If it gets him hard & wants to have sex with me... well, Then the result benefits me. 

By the way... I don't try to confuse his sexual release with him not loving me. I know deep down he loves me. Yes, sometimes with my insecurities & low self esteem, I question it. But, I also "know" that he is not watching the porn to punish me or to hurt me. I know he is probably hiding when he does look at porn , to spare my feelings. But I also know deep down, that it is me he loves. Not the beautiful women in the magazines... or the cheap ones on the internet porn.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

hizarmywife said:


> Hey All,
> 
> Found out today that my husband has been looking at porn behind my back and has been lying about it for a year. I'm currently pregnant with my second daughter and my hormones are super wacky and I dont put out much..I feel like its my fault.
> Today he got a virus on our computer and had to come clean about watching porno...He even said if it wasnt for that virus he would of NEVER told me..
> ...


Why are you feeling betrayed? Is it the pornography itself, or the lying?

What's the frequency? Just an FYI, if he's having trouble with erections, the compulsive use of porn (if it is compulsive) will likely make that problem worse. 

A problem I have with my husband...so I feel your pain. In my case, the betrayal is the lying part; not so much the porn.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Porn is like gambling and alcohol, some people can take it or leave it , then someone else may become addicted.

This site has some good information….......Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.


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