# Cant go on



## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

My husband of 28years tells me he wants to be with another women. I have been with him since I was 18, he is my only man I have been with. We have children together. I dont know how to continue without him. Even though he has told me he has had sex with her and he left me for a week I still want him. I wish I could be strong and tell him to go forever but I just want him to stay with me so much.
I thought we had a good marriage so he has taken me completely by surprise.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

So sorry.

We wait for these _Threads _and then fully wet them with our tears.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your post is sad to read. It's terrible what he has done to you, but what incentive does he have to stop? Unfortunately, your self image is so low that he can do anything he wants, and you're willing to accept it. Get into individual counseling to work on your self image. Good luck.


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## Golden Age (May 17, 2020)

Maree70 said:


> My husband of 28years tells me he wants to be with another women. I have been with him since I was 18, he is my only man I have been with. We have children together. I dont know how to continue without him. Even though he has told me he has had sex with her and he left me for a week I still want him. I wish I could be strong and tell him to go forever but I just want him to stay with me so much.
> I thought we had a good marriage so he has taken me completely by surprise.


Did he give any indication of why he strayed from the marriage?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

That is so sad, I feel for you so much. 
What he has done is appalling after all these years, what a terrible betrayal. 
All I can say is that you will make it through like so many others have. 
I hope you have support from family or friends and a counsellor will help.

Begging him to stay if he isn't prepared to give her up completely and work on the marriage is sadly pointless. You have to let him go. How long Ng has it been going on? Is she a work colleague?

How are your children? Are they still at home?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking. 

Unfortunately, the worst possible thing you can do is beg him to stay or even let him come back, without consequences. If you do these things, he will either just leave or continue to cheat.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Your post is sad to read. It's terrible what he has done to you, but what incentive does he have to stop? Unfortunately, your self image is so low that he can do anything he wants, and you're willing to accept it. Get into individual counseling to work on your self image. Good luck.


I have tried to go to counselling but I can't afford it so I have to wait until May for a free one.
My husband is a narcissist so all through our years together he has made me feel worthless so now I dont have the confidence to live without him. I hate myself for being so weak. I know 
I am mentally broken to the point that I have no strength to get through this alone. We lived life for our kids and each other so I dont even have friends to lean on and I dont won't to keep burdening my kids with my problems because they are effected by this as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maree70 said:


> I have tried to go to counselling but I can't afford it so I have to wait until May for a free one.
> My husband is a narcissist so all through our years together he has made me feel worthless so now I dont have the confidence to live without him. I hate myself for being so weak. I know
> I am mentally broken to the point that I have no strength to get through this alone. We lived life for our kids and each other so I dont even have friends to lean on and I dont won't to keep burdening my kids with my problems because they are effected by this as well.


Do you have any other family? Parents? Siblings? Sounds as if you must get away from him fir your own good.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> I have tried to go to counselling but I can't afford it so I have to wait until May for a free one.
> My husband is a narcissist so all through our years together he has made me feel worthless so now I dont have the confidence to live without him. I hate myself for being so weak. I know
> I am mentally broken to the point that I have no strength to get through this alone. We lived life for our kids and each other so I dont even have friends to lean on and I dont won't to keep burdening my kids with my problems because they are effected by this as well.


I don't want to sound like I know what I'm talking about, but opening up in this forum is a good first step. You're talking things out with people who have not only been there but who care about actual strangers. I've spent hours here the last couple of days, and the problems that brought me here are rather minimal and manageable at the moment. Vent here. Open up. There are people here who are probably qualified to be counselors (not me.) You have to be ready for good and bad comments. 

You are not worthless. You're a loving, dedicated mother who believes in being true and faithful to her marriage. Don't burden your kids with it. Let us try to help. Be patient and work hard. You will be happy again.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> That is so sad, I feel for you so much.
> What he has done is appalling after all these years, what a terrible betrayal.
> All I can say is that you will make it through like so many others have.
> I hope you have support from family or friends and a counsellor will help.
> ...


Apparently 4 months. He said he met her at a bus stop but I dont believe that at all. My kids range in age from 25 to 11. Only my son knows about the other women, my girls already hate him for how he treats me so if they knew about the other women they would completely disown him. My 11 year old is hurting but try's to be strong for me. 
I dont have any friends to talk to and I have to wait to see a counsellor because I cant afford to pay for one.
It is such a mess he has broken me mentally and I just don't have the confidence to start again. I joined a gym hoping to meet people but I can't even bring myself to go back after one visit which was my sign up visit.
I know I am weak and I need to get tough for me too heal but it just feels too hard


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You say you can't afford a counselor. Do you know that his money is your money?


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Do you have any other family? Parents? Siblings? Sounds as if you must get away from him fir your own good.


I have my mother and sister to talk to. I know I need to tell him to go but I honestly don't think I can do life without him. I hate saying that because I always thought I was strong and would say if he ever cheated on me that would be the end of our marriage but instead I am doing everything I can to make him want to stay.
I hate the person I have become


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> I hate the person I have become


Stop it.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Trident said:


> You say you can't afford a counselor. Do you know that his money is your money?


We just manage to get by each week with money and all that counsellors I rang were at least a $100 fee out of my pocket.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Some churches offer free counseling services. 

Ask around.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I don't want to sound like I know what I'm talking about, but opening up in this forum is a good first step. You're talking things out with people who have not only been there but who care about actual strangers. I've spent hours here the last couple of days, and the problems that brought me here are rather minimal and manageable at the moment. Vent here. Open up. There are people here who are probably qualified to be counselors (not me.) You have to be ready for good and bad comments.
> 
> You are not worthless. You're a loving, dedicated mother who believes in being true and faithful to her marriage. Don't burden your kids with it. Let us try to help. Be patient and work hard. You will be happy again.


I hope so. I just want my old life back. I hate him for doing this to me and my family. I was always a good wife I thought. I tried to not nag, he smokes and gambles. He has everything he wants but still wants more.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Smoking and gambling requires money. 

Money that could be used for counseling.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> I hope so. I just want my old life back. I hate him for doing this to me and my family. I was always a good wife I thought. I tried to not nag, he smokes and gambles. He has everything he wants but still wants more.


You might want to shoot higher than your old life, such as a life without a husband who has everything but still wants more. So, keep posting here. Get things off your chest. TAM unleashes the power of the Internet. You have an amazing group of people at your disposal.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Trident said:


> Smoking and gambling requires money.
> 
> Money that could be used for counseling.


Wish that was an option. If I deprive him if his luxuries I'm the worst in the world. I only bring a little bit of money into the household each week so I feel like I cant ask when he is working at least 55 hours a week for us.
He also thinks counseling is a waste of time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, just TAKE the money out of the account. You aren't depriving him of CRAP -- he has been denying YOU a good husband. Stop this -- it is time for YOU now. HIS needs make NO difference anymore.
GET to the gym -- you need that physical exercise to counteract some of the mental and emotional stress -- that is important for you.
Start doing the 180 with him:
180 for Betrayed Spouses 

This is to help YOU detach from him -- to get "you" back and start getting away from being "his wife". 
You CAN do this. Find your anger with him -- use that anger to start working yourself AWAY from the idea of him.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Maree70 said:


> Wish that was an option. If I deprive him if his luxuries I'm the worst in the world. I only bring a little bit of money into the household each week so I feel like I cant ask when he is working at least 55 hours a week for us.


He can screw another woman but you can't deprive him of his luxuries because he works more hours than you. 

Makes perfect sense


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

In one post, you say that you thought you had a good marriage.

Then you say that your girls already hate their own father for how he treats you. And that's before this event.

That he is a narcissist and has made you feel worthless throughout this relationship.

So it's a good marriage in your eyes only.
Your children see it differently.

Surely this shows you that you need out of this relationship ASAP anyway.

You have just been handed the best reason ever to release yourself from his hold over you.

But he is all you have ever known, so for you it is hard to know that there is life again after a divorce or split, and often it's a better life.

You need to get your inner strength back dear lady. Get to the gym, or workout at home. Don't let your mind water the lies he plants in there as little seeds of self doubt. Uproot everyone of those nasty growths, and replant with positive versions.
Speak to people, to family, get their support.
Read online about recovery from narcissistic relationships.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You might want to shoot higher than your old life, such as a life without a husband who has everything but still wants more. So, keep posting here. Get things off your chest. TAM unleashes the power of the Internet. You have an amazing group of people at your disposal.


It actually feels good to be able to talk to someone.


Trident said:


> He can screw another woman but you can't deprive him of his luxuries because he works more hours than you.
> 
> Makes perfect sense


He's a narcissist everything is about him.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> In one post, you say that you thought you had a good marriage.
> 
> Then you say that your girls already hate their own father for how he treats you. And that's before this event.
> 
> ...


I joined a gym but I just can't get the motivation to go. Everything is just so hard at the moment.
I know life will be better without him but its so scary to go alone.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> I joined a gym but I just can't get the motivation to go. Everything is just so hard at the moment.
> I know life will be better without him but its so scary to go alone.


I have told him to go today but he won't leave because he has no where to go


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maree70 said:


> I have told him to go today but he won't leave because he has no where to go


Does he gave no family? A friend he can stay with?


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Does he gave no family? A friend he can stay with?


No family and no close friends. His lady friend is on holidays but when she gets back I'm sure he'll go straight to her. 
I told him I need him to go now so I can start my healing. Im in so much pain I cant imagine it ever going away. I just want me old life back. I told him I hate him for what he has done to us.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maree70 said:


> No family and no close friends. His lady friend is on holidays but when she gets back I'm sure he'll go straight to her.
> I told him I need him to go now so I can start my healing. Im in so much pain I cant imagine it ever going away. I just want me old life back. I told him I hate him for what he has done to us.


He can stay in a motel/hotel for a few days. It will get better, time does heal honestly. Many have a better life than before as well. Hard to believe for you now of course, but its true.
I cant imagine being married to a narcissist, let alone with the cheating. Your children seem to be able to see more clearly how awful he has been to you. For their sakes as well, cut him off for good.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Maree70 said:


> I have told him to go today but he won't leave because he has no where to go


Good for you! That was a good first step.

If he can't/won't leave the house, I'd move his things (or yours) into another room at least. Then, go see a lawyer.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

EveningThoughts said:


> So it's a good marriage in your eyes only.
> Your children see it differently.
> 
> Surely this shows you that you need out of this relationship ASAP anyway.


About this Maree, this may help motivate you to improve your life. Your kids have SEEN this relationship as an "example" of what marriage is -- they KNOW he is not treating you well, so YOUR reaction (booting him out and moving on with your life) will be very helpful for your children to see how to handle this situation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You must do everything you can to move on from this guy. Detach. 

I promise you that this is going to get better and you are going to be alright in the long run. You will have joy again, but the sooner you separate from him the sooner that will happen.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Maree70 said:


> I have my mother and sister to talk to. I know I need to tell him to go but I honestly don't think I can do life without him. I hate saying that because I always thought I was strong and would say if he ever cheated on me that would be the end of our marriage but instead I am doing everything I can to make him want to stay.
> I hate the person I have become


I promise you, you are stronger than you think. He has made you believe you are weak, it was one of his lies stop believing it. Embrace the unknown and be excited by it. Once you get away from him you will have control over building the life you want. You will need a lot of support from family at the beginning. I'm sure you can find various groups in your area to get out and meet people to start building a good social network. Do it now and within 2 years you will love yourself more than you ever have.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

His gone for good now, one day short of our 28th wedding anniversary. I know he doesn't deserve my tears. He couldn't even have the guts to say good bye to his 11 year old boy. 
I know he doesn't deserve our love and he's an awful man but I still want him back with me. I just want to feel happy again and be positive about my future.
God this is the hardest thing, the constant pain in my chest, the images in my head of him and her together its all too much I feel like I will never see the good days again. I just want to go to sleep for the next 12 months and then wake up and it will be all gone. I need strength but I just don't have any.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> His gone for good now, one day short of our 28th wedding anniversary. I know he doesn't deserve my tears. He couldn't even have the guts to say good bye to his 11 year old boy.
> I know he doesn't deserve our love and he's an awful man but I still want him back with me. I just want to feel happy again and be positive about my future.
> God this is the hardest thing, the constant pain in my chest, the images in my head of him and her together its all too much I feel like I will never see the good days again. I just want to go to sleep for the next 12 months and then wake up and it will be all gone. I need strength but I just don't have any.


What you are going through is BRUTALLY painful, and I'm SO sorry that anyone has to deal with this type of hurt and betrayal.

First I want you to realize that you need to STOP hating yourself for anything, especially being "weak"...it's not weakness -- it's FEAR. And you have NO reason to blame yourself for being afraid. Almost everyone else would be just as afraid in the same situation!!! So the first thing you need to do is to stop bashing yourself like HE has been bashing you. You need to comfort and care for yourself during this terribly difficult time!

The reason you don't feel like you have any strength is because you are mired in depression right now. It makes decisive, concrete actions almost impossible. And it's a natural emotional reaction to what has happened to you and your marriage.

I don't believe you are crying for HIM...I believe you are spending your tears on the loss of your marriage and the destruction of the future you planned on having - so your HOPE. When he was with you, no matter how much of a loser he was, you still had HOPE that you were going to change things and that he would come around, and that you would both be happy again. Losing our hope is actually devastating to us emotionally, because it takes optimism and joy with it. Of course you feel like you can't go on...

You are going to need to MOURN the loss of your hopes for your future and your marriage just like you would mourn the death of a friend or loved one. It's a GRIEVING process, and you MUST go through it to recover and make it to the other side!

Here are two links I think might help you to check out...



https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/7-ways-to-detox-the-narcissist-from-your-mind-body-and-soul/








PLEASE keep posting for support if you need to!!!!!!


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> What you are going through is BRUTALLY painful, and I'm SO sorry that anyone has to deal with this type of hurt and betrayal.
> 
> First I want you to realize that you need to STOP hating yourself for anything, especially being "weak"...it's not weakness -- it's FEAR. And you have NO reason to blame yourself for being afraid. Almost everyone else would be just as afraid in the same situation!!! So the first thing you need to do is to stop bashing yourself like HE has been bashing you. You need to comfort and care for yourself during this terribly difficult time!
> 
> ...


Thank you for post. It helps along to talk about it. I tell everyone around me they don't understand and they get angry with me, but unless you have been through it I dont anyone can completely understand. Support is just what I need now. I hate the feeling of wanting him to come back, but knowing I can never have him in my life again. I try to remind me of all the awful times with him and much of an awful person he is but unfortunatly I go back to the good times and just go back to missing him again.
It kills me to know that he is out there starting a new life with his mistress happy and hopeful for their future together.
I just want this pain in my chest to go away.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Beautiful post @LisaDiane. So true.



Maree70 said:


> I just want this pain in my chest to go away.


If this is a physical pain, get it checked out by the doctor right away, please. If you're talking about a broken heart, we hear you. So much. I'm so sad that this terrible thing is happening to you. It's like Lisa said though. It's a loss, and we all have to grieve over a loss in order to heal. It feels like it will never get better, but it will. 

When you have healed, you will be able to hold onto those good times as good memories, but right now they are poison. You need to detach from him. He is, by his own choosing and through no fault of your own, the enemy. He did not cheat because of anything you did or did not do. I want to repeat that line over and over. He cheated because he made a choice to do so. He CHOSE to cheat on his wife AND his family. This is not what a good man does. 

You do need support. Lots. Most people really don't understand if such betrayal has never been part of their lives. Most people are also not very good at dealing with painful situations. They want to make you feel better, but they can't and that makes them uncomfortable. 

There are lots of good people here who understand and want to help, so post as often as you want/need.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

So Married said:


> Beautiful post @LisaDiane. So true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Today is day 2. I just want to have my old life back. I try so hard to hate him. My kids say they can only remember the bad times with him and I can only remember the good. I wish I was like the kids and it would be so much easier.
I think for me the frustrating thing is he was the awful person but he got to make the choice to walk away and end our marriage when it should of me saying to him to go.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Maree70 said:


> Wish that was an option. If I deprive him if his luxuries I'm the worst in the world. I only bring a little bit of money into the household each week so I feel like I cant ask when he is working at least 55 hours a week for us.
> He also thinks counseling is a waste of time.


The counseling should not be for the marriage. The counseling should be for YOU, so you can see your own worth, and that you should not be treated like this. Once you change your attitude about yourself, you will gain the strength to do what you want to do, but are unable to do---dump your husband.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> The counseling should not be for the marriage. The counseling should be for YOU, so you can see your own worth, and that you should not be treated like this. Once you change your attitude about yourself, you will gain the strength to do what you want to do, but are unable to do---dump your husband.


My husband left for good 2 days ago to start his new life with his mistress. He didn't say goodbye to anyone including his 11 year old son. Its pathetic that after all his betrayal his still got to make the final decision to leave his family and end our marriage.
I know there will be a day I look back and realise he was toxic to me, but at the moment it feels like that day will never come.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Maree70 said:


> My husband left for good 2 days ago to start his new life with his mistress. He didn't say goodbye to anyone including his 11 year old son. Its pathetic that after all his betrayal his still got to make the final decision to leave his family and end our marriage.
> I know there will be a day I look back and realise he was toxic to me, but at the moment it feels like that day will never come.


So, I KNOW you will immediately want to defend him, but your husband isn't a MAN -- he's a scumbag.
No real MAN would just drop his responsibilities like this -- at the VERY LEAST he should have discussed with you.
He doesn't even say goodbye to his son? What kind of sociopath is this guy?
And yeah, he also is an awful person to have an affair when he has a wife who loves and WAS devoted to him.

Get with a good SHARK lawyer and get moving past this as soon as you can. You say the kids only remember the bad -- TALK with them. Let THEM get those memories out. It will help them, and also help YOU realize that the memories you thought you had were actually rose-colored memories and not reality.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> Today is day 2. I just want to have my old life back. I try so hard to hate him. My kids say they can only remember the bad times with him and I can only remember the good. I wish I was like the kids and it would be so much easier.
> I think for me the frustrating thing is he was the awful person but he got to make the choice to walk away and end our marriage when it should of me saying to him to go.


Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
> I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.





Maree70 said:


> Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
> I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.





Maree70 said:


> Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
> I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.


Rejection is the hardest thing to get over for me. I put myself after him always thinking that was the way to keep him happy, now obviously I should 9f been a ***** and selfish and maybe he would of valued me more.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So think of this -- being rejected by such an AWFUL person -- is actually a good thing. He rejected you because he KNOWS deep down that he doesn't deserve you and you are a MUCH better person than him. His ego can't accept that, so he HAS to reject you in order to still think of himself as a better person.
As I said before -- he is NOT much of a man to so quickly dump his responsibilities and go off playing Peter Pan.

I'm sure it's really hard for you, but you WILL be MUCH better off without him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maree70 said:


> I thought we had a good marriage so he has taken me completely by surprise.


First, your husband is a terrible person for springing this on you, apparently without warning. The time to break the marriage vows is... never. They should be legally dissolved first. That ship has sailed. What follows could help understand things, or be completely irrelevant.

When you combine this with a belief (whether true or not) that your spouse is a narcissist, you may need to step back a bit and consider if you haven't been so wrapped up in your idea of what a relationship and marriage are that you didn't consider things from the other side. 

This does not excuse an affair. Ever. But the question going forward, in future relationships, is this- do you truly understand what makes your partner tick, and are you doing things that wind your partner's clock? Or are you doing all sorts of wonderful things for your partner that _you_ believe represent your amazing devotion and care for him or her? 

After being married for years, you get into comfortable routines, and one of those comfortable routines is a belief that life on autopilot is preferred to dealing with possible issues that could create anxiety and stress. 

This is a bit along the lines of the 5 Love Languages, but that doesn't go far enough. The 5 Love Languages doesn't go into the "why" of mismatched love languages. It says it's just a thing, you find that thing and fix it, and viola, life is good. Unfortunately that only works if both parties are actively trying to connect and all they need is a road map. 

Perhaps I was triggered by the "narcissist" labeling here, because that's exactly how one might see things if they're doing all these wonderful things for their spouse and the spouse and it's not enough, the spouse wants things his or her way. I think, in many cases, it might be that both parties are narcissistic, or it could even be the case that the party seeing narcissism in the other, is the actual narcissist.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> First, your husband is a terrible person for springing this on you, apparently without warning. The time to break the marriage vows is... never. They should be legally dissolved first. That ship has sailed. What follows could help understand things, or be completely irrelevant.
> 
> When you combine this with a belief (whether true or not) that your spouse is a narcissist, you may need to step back a bit and consider if you haven't been so wrapped up in your idea of what a relationship and marriage are that you didn't consider things from the other side.
> 
> ...


WOW.... IF YOU CANT BE NICE DONT BOTHER COMMENTING..... I'm here for support.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So think of this -- being rejected by such an AWFUL person -- is actually a good thing. He rejected you because he KNOWS deep down that he doesn't deserve you and you are a MUCH better person than him. His ego can't accept that, so he HAS to reject you in order to still think of himself as a better person.
> As I said before -- he is NOT much of a man to so quickly dump his responsibilities and go off playing Peter Pan.
> 
> I'm sure it's really hard for you, but you WILL be MUCH better off without him.


Thank you for your supportive response. I know myself and my children will be better off without him. I am really struggling with the thought of going forward in life without him. I wake up feeling strong and by the end of the day I feel sad when I think of doing everyday on my own. 
Everyone keeps telling me our marriage wasn't as I remember it as. I know they mean well because they want me to hate him but it just makes me sadder because I need to believe that there was a part of our marriage was good.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.

Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with them.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
> Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.
> 
> Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
> For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with th





jlg07 said:


> I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
> Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.
> 
> Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
> For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with them.


I know this is the way forward for me and I do hope I meet someone to fill the lonely void in my life and makes me feel like I'm special.
It feels like all my past is him every memory has him in it, after all I have been with him since I was 18 and its so difficult to find myself without him there beside me. I am trying hard to do this reminding myself things will be better and I will be happier. I just wish I could speed up the healing process because I'm so sad and I'm sick of being like this. I want to be happy and be grateful to start each day.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Maree70 said:


> I just wish I could speed up the healing process because I'm so sad and I'm sick of being like this


Unfortunately, you are NOT alone in this -- read other threads and you will see that very same feeling exists for almost everyone who was cheated on. VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Unfortunately, you are NOT alone in this -- read other threads and you will see that very same feeling exists for almost everyone who was cheated on. VERY sorry you are going through this.


I know I'm not the only one going through this, there are so many selfish partners out there. I cant wait till the day I dont cry and feel this awful pain in my chest. I wish so much I was a strong person. I keep asking myself why. I thought I was doing everything right to keep my marriage alive, now it was for nothing.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maree70 said:


> WOW.... IF YOU CANT BE NICE DONT BOTHER COMMENTING..... I'm here for support.


Sorry you feel that way. All you have to do is say, “If that was true maybe you’d have a point. But it’s not.”

This is not just a “support” forum. It’s about finding help from similar experiences others have had too. If you go to a therapist, it’s not their job to support you; their job is to help you.

The best help I’ve received here has come after I’ve been totally beaten up for my ideas and my belief that others would “support” me.

It’s the replies that hit hard or seem insensitive that may be key to understanding the situation and feeling better. Sorry again to have offended you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Maree70 said:


> WOW.... IF YOU CANT BE NICE DONT BOTHER COMMENTING..... I'm here for support.


Should have also mentioned that it’s easy to block users so you’ll not see their posts. And you can report abusive posts to the mods and they’ll deal with it appropriately.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Sorry you feel that way. All you have to do is say, “If that was true maybe you’d have a point. But it’s not.”
> 
> This is not just a “support” forum. It’s about finding help from similar experiences others have had too. If you go to a therapist, it’s not their job to support you; their job is to help you.
> 
> ...


I can guarantee you that I am no way a narcissist. My husband has destroyed all my confidence and strength I have ever had by his narcissistic personality. If he's children hate him and do not want me to ever have anything to do with him again its saying something about the guy.
I appreciate we all need to look at our selves and self evaluate where we may have contributed to the marriage breaking down, but my faults were being a weak person that my husband fell out of love with. I couldn't of been a better, more devoted wife always trying hard to keep my husband happy. This obviously bored him and he wanted something more exciting.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Maree70 said:


> I thought I was doing everything right to keep my marriage alive, now it was for nothing.


Just realize THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is HIS issue. He just hid his true self from you very well and took advantage of your love and trust.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> I can guarantee you that I am no way a narcissist. My husband has destroyed all my confidence and strength I have ever had by his narcissistic personality. If he's children hate him and do not want me to ever have anything to do with him again its saying something about the guy.
> I appreciate we all need to look at our selves and self evaluate where we may have contributed to the marriage breaking down, but my faults were being a weak person that my husband fell out of love with. I couldn't of been a better, more devoted wife always trying hard to keep my husband happy. This obviously bored him and he wanted something more exciting.


EXACTLY. There is nothing you could have done to satisfy him because the issues and unhappiness he has are IN HIM. They aren't about YOU at all. He would have been bored and unhappy and moved on no matter how "perfect" you ever could have been. 

So you need to remove the thought that this has anything to do with YOU whatsoever!!! I know that's difficult, as your mind grapples with any kind of explanation, but you really need to do all you can to just allow the thoughts and feeling to come and GO, and try not to hang on to any of them. The time for understanding what happened is LATER, when your emotions aren't so raw and frantic.

Right now, you need to indulge yourself in anything you need to feel better -- curl up under a blanket and watch movies, journal, eat comfort foods, go take a walk in the fresh air, cry alone or with friends, talk to people...whatever brings you some peace and relief, DO IT. And little by little you will get a grip over your pain and sense of loss, and be able to claw your way out of this. You are actually moving forward now, but it's in such small increments you probably don't notice. Remember, this is like dealing with an actual death...it's going to be slow and painful

And if you haven't checked out the link I posted in my first post to you, you really should. That whole site is a wonderful supportive resource about Narcissistic relationships, and might really help you feel better.

Take care of YOU!!!


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> EXACTLY. There is nothing you could have done to satisfy him because the issues and unhappiness he has are IN HIM. They aren't about YOU at all. He would have been bored and unhappy and moved on no matter how "perfect" you ever could have been.
> 
> So you need to remove the thought that this has anything to do with YOU whatsoever!!! I know that's difficult, as your mind grapples with any kind of explanation, but you really need to do all you can to just allow the thoughts and feeling to come and GO, and try not to hang on to any of them. The time for understanding what happened is LATER, when your emotions aren't so raw and frantic.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Im trying so hard to remember this is right for me.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> Thank you. Im trying so hard to remember this is right for me.


I had to message him about money today and he wanted me to call him because I have blocked his number. I had to say no, but it was so hard to not just ring him. 
It has now put me backwards because I just want him to be here with me but know that is not possible.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> I had to message him about money today and he wanted me to call him because I have blocked his number. I had to say no, but it was so hard to not just ring him.
> It has now put me backwards because I just want him to be here with me but know that is not possible.


I know I sound pathetic but I'm struggling so much I dont know how much longer I can do this for. My thoughts are constantly on him him with her, its just destroying me. Nobody around me can understand what I'm going through. I look at everyone around me happy he's gone. I know it sounds awful but I'm even staring to resent my children for being happy he's gone. I dont think I'm ever going to get over him. Im trying so hard to be strong but I can't. I cant keep focused on anything and meanwhile he's happy with his new life and couldn't give a stuff about me. Why are people so mean!!!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> I know I sound pathetic but I'm struggling so much I dont know how much longer I can do this for. My thoughts are constantly on him him with her, its just destroying me. Nobody around me can understand what I'm going through. I look at everyone around me happy he's gone. I know it sounds awful but I'm even staring to resent my children for being happy he's gone. I dont think I'm ever going to get over him. Im trying so hard to be strong but I can't. I cant keep focused on anything and meanwhile he's happy with his new life and couldn't give a stuff about me. Why are people so mean!!!!!


Maree, you DO NOT sound pathetic at all!!!!! You are understandably hurt and disappointed, and want desperately to escape the pain you are in...PLENTY of people understand how you feel, and it's NOTHING to be ashamed of.

It's important that you just accept that you are going to suffer without him until you heal enough to imagine a new reality for yourself. There are NO shortcuts out of this, you simply have to GO THROUGH it.

It's perfectly normal and understandable that you feel resentful of anyone who is happy while you are hurting so badly - even your children!! Just try not to burden them with your resentment towards them, and there is no harm in it. It's like all your mixed up and painful feelings right now - let them come and then GO.

I would encourage you again to check out this site about Narcissistic abuse...here is a link to another article that might help you....


https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/7-ways-to-detox-the-narcissist-from-your-mind-body-and-soul/



She has a healing course that you can pay for (that I never did), but also TONS of free posts and articles that are really insightful and helpful. I really think that reading some of the stories and articles on there might help you understand why you are hurting so badly, and help you see you aren't alone!


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Maree, you DO NOT sound pathetic at all!!!!! You are understandably hurt and disappointed, and want desperately to escape the pain you are in...PLENTY of people understand how you feel, and it's NOTHING to be ashamed of.
> 
> It's important that you just accept that you are going to suffer without him until you heal enough to imagine a new reality for yourself. There are NO shortcuts out of this, you simply have to GO THROUGH it.
> 
> ...


Thankyou so much for your support. Writing on this pages helps alot. It helps with the loneliness because I know here people do understand what I'm going through. Everyone around me try's to help but sometimes they just say the wrong things thinking its making me feel better but it actually can at times make me feel worse.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> Thankyou so much for your support. Writing on this pages helps alot. It helps with the loneliness because I know here people do understand what I'm going through. Everyone around me try's to help but sometimes they just say the wrong things thinking its making me feel better but it actually can at times make me feel worse.


Having a bad day today. Im missing him alot today. I wish I could just detach like he has, after all he was the one that did wrong by having an affair but I still want him when I should be hating him. When will I be happy again, I'm sick of being sad.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Maree70 said:


> Having a bad day today. Im missing him alot today. I wish I could just detach like he has, after all he was the one that did wrong by having an affair but I still want him when I should be hating him. When will I be happy again, I'm sick of being sad.


I'm sorry to hear that...I've been thinking about you!!!
Just remember when you feel your worst, to be sure you are taking care of YOU.

You WILL get better and feel better, it just takes baby steps every day, that's all.

Have you checked out the site I linked for you? I think you might find some great support on there too!!!


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I'm sorry to hear that...I've been thinking about you!!!
> Just remember when you feel your worst, to be sure you are taking care of YOU.
> 
> You WILL get better and feel better, it just takes baby steps every day, that's all.
> ...


Im having an awful day today. I stupidly let my husband come to my house so I could help him out with something. I was being delusional that I would be strong and not be disappointed if he didn't tell me he missed me and tried to give me some affection. 
He was very distant and when we were having a discussion about something he didn't like my answer so he stormed off and told me that he was not going to give me money to pay the bills anymore and he wanted sell the house after continuously telling me he would sign it over to me.
I panicked and chased after a him crying and showing him that he still had the power. All I wanted was for him to hug me and say sorry for all the pain he has caused me but instead he just looked at me with such hatred. I keep asking him what more could of had done to make him happy and make him want to stay.
Im trying so hard to be strong but I just don't have the strength. He doesn't comprehend or care how much he has hurt me. I honestly don't know how much more pain I can take. I want my old life back. I want to wake up happy and smile through out the day instead of feeling so empty inside. I am so broken I dont think I'm ever going to be fixed.


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Hi, Maree70. I read your story and I feel for you and trust me you can do it, you can make it. I am in your shoes now and every day I try and build up resources to handle it. You mentioned counseling and this would be for you to give you the freedom for you to speak your soul and receive positive suggestions I did that today, signed up for counseling for myself. Some people don't feel like doing that but it does help. I think you need a lawyer for what you said about the house and about the bill paying, have you contacted one yet? I hope you are doing well and please take a deep breath and try and find calm. I'm new to this board and this subject too myself since i am in the early stage of a divorce but if as little as I said helped i am glad. Be well. Doug


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Doug_d said:


> Hi, Maree70. I read your story and I feel for you and trust me you can do it, you can make it. I am in your shoes now and every day I try and build up resources to handle it. You mentioned counseling and this would be for you to give you the freedom for you to speak your soul and receive positive suggestions I did that today, signed up for counseling for myself. Some people don't feel like doing that but it does help. I think you need a lawyer for what you said about the house and about the bill paying, have you contacted one yet? I hope you are doing well and please take a deep breath and try and find calm. I'm new to this board and this subject too myself since i am in the early stage of a divorce but if as little as I said helped i am glad. Be well. Doug


Hi Doug thanks for your comments. I have been to 2 counselling sessions with a psychologist. It helps when I'm there but as you would know that when your on your own its hard because all I think of is the situation.
I hope you are going OK with your divorce. Talking to people that are or have experienced divorce or seperation helps me a lot.


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

hi, another thing i have found in my area are divorce support groups , do you have those in your area too? sadly they are probably not free but costs can vary i suppose.
I hope you are doing well now and please do take care of yourself.


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Doug_d said:


> hi, another thing i have found in my area are divorce support groups , do you have those in your area too? sadly they are probably not free but costs can vary i suppose.
> I hope you are doing well now and please do take care of yourself.


I have found it hard to find any support groups around me. Unfortunately all the people I seem to connect with live overseas. I would love to just go somewhere and be able to talk with other people going through the same thing, this is why I find this pages so helpful. The loneliness is my hardest thing. Im use to doing everything with my ex and now even though I have 4 beautiful children I still feel there is a void that they will never be able to fill. I dont have a big friend network because my husband only ever wanted it to be him and I.
I want to find a new life but I just don't know where to start.


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## Doug_d (May 2, 2021)

Well you started here and after all the replies from people who want to help you including me you can call us all your friends . I know it’s not the same as in person but we are all here to help you. Do you have a lot of outdoor activity near you such as water rafting , kayaking , hiking and bike trails ? These could allow you to meet other people nearby and some of these may be clubs you can join ?? Any personal hobbies you have always enjoyed like painting ? Some clubs allow you to experience making art , maybe painting . You sound nice snd I net you would not have a lot of trouble making friends in these clubs. Some colleges also have these non credit courses for adults who want to broaden their skills and passions, any community colleges near you ?? I hope some of these spark a interest snd you can maybe find a new path to enjoy one of them ??? Hope those helps . Be well. Doug


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## Maree70 (Apr 12, 2021)

Maree70 said:


> I have found it hard to find any support groups around me. Unfortunately all the people I seem to connect with live overseas. I would love to just go somewhere and be able to talk with other people going through the same thing, this is why I find this pages so helpful. The loneliness is my hardest thing. Im use to doing everything with my ex and now even though I have 4 beautiful children I still feel there is a void that they will never be able to fill. I dont have a big friend network because my husband only ever wanted it to be him and I.
> I want to find a new life but I just don't know where to start.


Chatting to you really helps, so thankyou your time.


Maree70 said:


> I have found it hard to find any support groups around me. Unfortunately all the people I seem to connect with live overseas. I would love to just go somewhere and be able to talk with other people going through the same thing, this is why I find this pages so helpful. The loneliness is my hardest thing. Im use to doing everything with my ex and now even though I have 4 beautiful children I still feel there is a void that they will never be able to fill. I dont have a big friend network because my husband only ever wanted it to be him and I.
> I want to find a new life but I just don't know where to start.





Doug_d said:


> Well you started here and after all the replies from people who want to help you including me you can call us all your friends . I know it’s not the same as in person but we are all here to help you. Do you have a lot of outdoor activity near you such as water rafting , kayaking , hiking and bike trails ? These could allow you to meet other people nearby and some of these may be clubs you can join ?? Any personal hobbies you have always enjoyed like painting ? Some clubs allow you to experience making art , maybe painting . You sound nice snd I net you would not have a lot of trouble making friends in these clubs. Some colleges also have these non credit courses for adults who want to broaden their skills and passions, any community colleges near you ?? I hope some of these spark a interest snd you can maybe find a new path to enjoy one of them ??? Hope those helps . Be well. Doug


Funny I find the people on this pages more of a friend than people I've known for years.
I joined a gym 3 weeks ago but haven't been back. Im not a confident person and it makes me hold back alot. I know ineed to be a big girl and just go join groups but at the moment my anxiety holds me back. I've lived for my ex and my kids for so long I don't know how to be me anymore.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

@Maree70, I've been thinking of you and hoping you are hanging in there...

Remember, sometimes it's going to feel like you are taking one baby step forward, and then two giant steps backwards...that's just the process of grief and loss, and forging a new path for you to walk on. 

DON'T BE DISCOURAGED (as much as possible)!!!! You WILL get through this, just keep taking care of YOU, just as you would a friend who was struggling -- be that friend TO YOURSELF!!!!!


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