# need some advice



## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Hi guys!

Im a newbie here and I hope I get this right. I've been thinking of joining a Marriage Forum
for quite sometime and I had visited several sites, but I think this is the right one for me. 

I have been married for 8 years now, and have 3 wonderful kids. Eldest are both 7, and youngest
is 5. 

I can say that my husband is such a fine man, very loving and sweet. He would always follow
what I say or what I ask of him. He's a good father to the children ad a good provider.
Always wants the best for us. And I think I am lucky enough coz everyday he would tell
me he loves me and he would never find any other woman. And we fully trust each other.

The problem I have is all about me. Sadly, I have not treated him well. I love him so much 
to the point where I get jelous of his friends. He rarely go out and have a drink with his friends
but still I don't allow him to go. So all the time he would only drink at home with his best buddy.
When he invites some other guys (which again he rarely do) I get mad. And I always put a curfew.

When he is at work, I dont really mind coz I know he doesnt do anything except work and work.
But when he is home I only want him to stay at home and be with us. When he goes out to go to
our neighbor and he doesnt come home an hour after, I would go and fetch him. And when he do things
I do not like I nag at him. When he would ask me that we go to his family's place I always have
reasons not to. And when he goes there alone I would tell him to go home before evening. 
I know I hurt him most of the time, he would say he doesnt want to argue with me thats why he doesnt complain.
I feel like a jerk and good for nothing wife. I want to end my selfishness but I don't know where to start.

Please guys, any advice is much appreciated. Thank you.


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

You need to give him some space. It's good that you love your husband so much, but he needs time to hang out with his other family and friends, just as you do. There's nothing wrong with going out with friends every once in a while, maybe when he and his friends are planning a night out you could try to plan something with your friends as well, and get a babysitter to take care of the kids for a night. That way you can occupy yourself with something other than wondering when your husband will get home. Everyone needs some time alone every once in a while, no matter how much they love each other.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your post should be titled "How to push your husband away" instead of "need Some Advice"

Not sure exactly what your issues are. I'd guess it's mostly insecurities. You should seek IC to help you get past this!


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## wifeiam (Apr 1, 2013)

sniperghostXD said:


> Hi guys!
> 
> Im a newbie here and I hope I get this right. I've been thinking of joining a Marriage Forum
> for quite sometime and I had visited several sites, but I think this is the right one for me.
> ...


When it comes to going off without you with friends my husband and I don't really do that but I am fine with him going to a sports event with his Dad so I guess there has to be some reason there. I think you should just make it a rule when he goes to his family you go, don't even think about it just go and be pleasant while there. There is a post about taking husband for granted that is active now in the main forum and it is too late for that lady. Her mild manner man is done and is leaving and she would do anything to change it. Don't be that lady. It is not an option to change once it has gone that far.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Start by saying, "My gut reaction is to throw a hissy fit because you want to go out with the guys, but I know I tend to be selfish and I am trying to change that. So please go, even though I may be a little upset. I need to learn to give you space." And then you put on a brave face, pull up your big girl panties and let him go have fun! You know if you keep him locked in all the time, he's going to become one boring person and you won't WANT to be around him!


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Ugh! Thanks for the replies... Yes, I really should give him space to do
what he wants. He told me once that love isn't about being together
all the time. But I find that hard to do, Im so clingy to the bones.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

I can't imagine I'd put up with this horsesh*t for 8 days much less 8 years. If he's put up with you for 8 years, perhaps he doesn't mind being treated as a child. 

Are you this controlling about everything in your life, or only him?

:whip:


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

MissMe said:


> I can't imagine I'd put up with this horsesh*t for 8 days much less 8 years. If he's put up with you for 8 years, perhaps he doesn't mind being treated as a child.
> 
> Are you this controlling about everything in your life, or only him?
> 
> :whip:


Not everything in my life. Only him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Time to own your insecurity and take steps to reassure yourself all is well, and help your H give you the right messages to reassure you. Everyone has some level of insecurity, but when it causes us to behave in a way that is COUNTER PRODUCTIVE to what we want... That's when you have to force yourself to have faith in his love for you, your love for him.

You've made excellent progress by realizing what you're doing is counterproductive, and by seeking ways to stop doing it. So, good job you are on the right track!


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Thank you so much Anon Pink! I will try my very best to "own my insecurity " before its too late. I won't wait for the time he gets tired putting up with me. Thanks again.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm curious...in the years you've been married, has your husband given you any reason not to trust him? You say you trust each other...but it really doesn't sound like it.

Are you afraid of what he'll do without you around? I agree with Anon, you must own your insecurity in order to work on it. 

I think it's equally important for two married people to enjoy individual friends and interests. Personally, I was in a serious relationship where all we had was each other, and that ended in pure misery. Not just your husband, but YOU should have friends and interests of your own, outside your children. 

And, someone else mentioned to tell him: "My gut reaction is to throw a hissy fit because you want to go out with the guys, but I know I tend to be selfish and I am trying to change that. So please go, even though I may be a little upset. I need to learn to give you space." I think that's just brilliant. clear and to the point and very true. 

Let him off his leash, you'll both be happier for it  Good luck to you!!


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> I'm curious...in the years you've been married, has your husband given you any reason not to trust him? You say you trust each other...but it really doesn't sound like it.
> 
> Are you afraid of what he'll do without you around? I agree with Anon, you must own your insecurity in order to work on it.
> 
> ...


Hi, for all these years, he haven't given me any reason not to trust him. Even way back when he was working outside the country for 2 years and a half.  

I don't really know if my belief is right but I think one would feel
if her hubby is doing something 'fishy'. Be he near or far. 

And after all these years Im still head over heels in love with my husband. Hopefully till we grow old. Sometimes we would laugh together coz wherever we go, we always hold hands and cuddle whispering "I love u". 

Do I sound corny here? Lolz.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, you don't sound corny at all. You sound like a woman on the verge of having a kickass marriage...just as soon as she learns the importance of remaining secure in her husbands love by allowing him time with friends and buddies!


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I don't think you really need a lot of advice here...you clearly identified the problems (you're too clingy, you don't let him spend time with his friends, you don't treat him well), you have taken ownership of the problem which is the biggest hurdle...so what else is there to say? You know where you're going wrong, you love him but you know you're hurting him...SO STOP IT!! Stop "getting mad" if he goes out with his friends once in a while. Stop nagging him and criticizing him. Stop making excuses to not go visit his family. Just make up your mind that your husband is NOT a 5 year old and he deserves respect as a grown man. This is all on YOU to fix...don't overanalyze yourself. You're behaving badly and you need to employ the power of control you have over him on yourself. Rather than tell him he _can't_ see his friends, tell yourself that you _can't_ tell him not to.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

You have to realize that controlling people is not something that will make you or anyone happy. You may think that by having control over him makes your M a little less worrisome, but in fact it puts strain on your M. You push your H over the edge, and who knows what might happen if you continue to do this. I myself have been resentful sometimes with my H for trying to control me since we met. 

It's okay to worry about your H a little when he's out and about with friends or working or whatever he's doing, but it's not healthy to indulge yourself in trying to dictate his every move. Try to focus on other things like your children and hobbies rather than what you've been doing. Don't be one of those people that looks like a insecure control freak.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

As cheezy as it sounds it is true that if you love someone let them go. If they come back, they are truely yours!


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## sniperghostXD (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks guys!


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