# What's going on here?



## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Ladies, I'm looking for your perspective on a puzzling scenario that's occurred at work. 

So, basically a much younger woman has started, somewhat out of the blue messaging me regularly at work. Its puzzling because, aside from inducting her into the business, I have zero reason to interact with her professionally after. I inducted her maybe 3 months ago, we have one thing in common in that we have the same breed of dog. 

We do attend a daily meeting together via zoom and its in this that she started her interactions, teasing me via text while I'm doing my segment. 

It has since progressed to fairly regular message exchanges where we banter back and forth. Teasing mainly from her, but getting to know each other generally. 

I am concerned about her intentions, but want to sense check this before cutting it off as inappropriate. I'm no babe in the woods, and can tell when a woman is coming on to me, but because she's so much younger than me, I'm inclined to not think it's the case.

So things in the maybe she is column,

She started messaging after she witnessed me interacting with a mutual female colleague whom I have a friendly relationship with. 

She messages daily now, and always initiates.

She continues to tease me, and rated my looks in banter as a 5. (Bringing up my looks at all seems odd for work banter)

She asked me to buy her a present from a business trip.

She sent me a picture while on holiday 

In the probably isn't column,

She's 13 years younger than me

She's physically very beautiful, outta my league even if we were the same age. 

She's married to a guy who earns well, probably better than me.

I enjoy our banter, but would like to reassure myself I'm on safe ground. I don't want to give her the wrong impression, but neither do I want to make a fool of myself by assuming something that isn't there. 

Ladies of TAM, what's going on here?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> Ladies, I'm looking for your perspective on a puzzling scenario that's occurred at work.
> 
> So, basically a much younger woman has started, somewhat out of the blue messaging me regularly at work. Its puzzling because, aside from inducting her into the business, I have zero reason to interact with her professionally after. I inducted her maybe 3 months ago, we have one thing in common in that we have the same breed of dog.
> 
> ...


I’m not a lady.
You’re on a slippery slope and I think you know it.
Drop her.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

OP you failed to mention if you are married ? 
This woman is married and apparently has has pretty loose boundaries. 

I wonder what her husband would think of her " Banter " with you ?

Have you thought about this ?


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Some women get off on male attention. If she figures she could have you if she wanted she'd get off on that without having to act on it. I feel sorry for her husband and no way would I be friends with a chick like this.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

There is 17 yrs between my sister and her hubby. Couple I know there is over 20 yrs between them. I am 50 and I have had girls half my age looking at me with intent. I just think, little girl you have daddy issues!


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Oh yes I'm married, have made mistakes before, don't want to repeat them, so here I am. Clearly I'm a little clueless where female intentions are concerned.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Given that you made mistakes before, how do you think your wife would feel about you getting presents for a much younger female, married colleague? And texting with them, or them rating your looks and personality? I don't think you are really clueless.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No you didn’t make mistakes. You actively cheated on your wife and didn’t stop. Now your playing stupid and are on the verge of cheating again, Don’t play stupid. Read his past posts. He never admitted to cheating on his wife as recently as June.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Holy ****, you are both married?

That's awful. 

Cut this off, now.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He wax addicted to his affair partner as of June.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You need to shut this down quickly for three reasons:
1. You both are married
2. She is an immature, attention seeking adolescent
3. Never take a dump where you eat.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OP, you are the exact reason for the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I wonder what your wife would do if she knew the full truth, both past and present?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> She's married...


Run


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Holy ****, you are both married?
> 
> That's awful.
> 
> Cut this off, now.


Both? 
He is (also) married and asking this?

The ones that should run ASAP from both of you are IMO both of your spouses.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Jamieboy said:



Ladies of TAM, what's going on here?

Click to expand...

*LOL.

This is called a 'humble brag' on Reddit.

You're not looking for advice, you want to *brag* about some young thang giving you attention and you want us all to tell you that she's hot for you and that you'd better watch out because she wants you real bad, and blah blah blah.

Not playing the game and feeding your ego because you're a grown adult and know _exactly_ "what's going on here."


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> This is called a 'humble brag' on Reddit.
> 
> ...


Ha, I didn’t know about “humble brag”. Funny.

Wait. Am I doing it now? I better shut up. 🤣


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> This is called a 'humble brag' on Reddit.
> 
> ...


Ahhhh you got me, loads of previous posters fell for it though. Telling me what I wanted to hear 🙄

Taking the consensus, I think I'll cut this one off, I have a second interview for a new job to try and sort my previous mistakes once and for all, so there is that


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Stop calling them mistakes. You committed adulterous and loved it. Your responsible and it was t an accident. You don’t feel bad you feel trapped


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Could be, she really likes you.
Could be, she wants to use you to climb the corporate ladder.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

snowbum said:


> Stop calling them mistakes. You committed adulterous and loved it. Your responsible and it was t an accident. You don’t feel bad you feel trapped


And you have an axe to grind my friend, you won't make me feel bad so jog on


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Even if you never cheated and weren’t married, don’t get involved with coworkers. The fact that you’ve cheated, you know what this woman wants. You should stop replying. It’s not difficult but…if she doesn’t like that, she may go to HR and her story will be different than yours. Don’t flirt and carry on with coworkers. As soon as the “banter” started, you should have stopped it.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> Even if you never cheated and weren’t married, don’t get involved with coworkers. The fact that you’ve cheated, you know what this woman wants. You should stop replying. It’s not difficult but…if she doesn’t like that, she may go to HR and her story will be different than yours. Don’t flirt and carry on with coworkers. As soon as the “banter” started, you should have stopped it.


I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female, I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives, obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent. 
So will act accordingly, just for the record, I had an emotional affair, not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female, I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives, obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent.
> So will act accordingly, just for the record, I had an emotional affair, not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


You’ve proven to be vulnerable to EA, so you should avoid casual social interactions with the opposite sex just purely out of respect for you wife. But also to prevent scenarios like the one you’re asking about here.

Be smart or you’ll do it again.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female, I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives, obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent.
> So will act accordingly, just for the record, I had an emotional affair, not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


No worries, that’s why TAM exists, to help give objective opinions. I’d say that your coworker’s banter sounds flirty, and I have coworkers who are male, and I’m not texting them after hours, or having long discussions about non-work related things. That would seem to me, disrespectful to my husband. #boundaries


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since you’re apparently susceptible to EA’s, better to limit interaction.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She has a crush. Cut the contact/responses. No room in the workplace for this.
These things can lead to major problems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> Oh yes I'm married, have made mistakes before, don't want to repeat them, so here I am. Clearly I'm a little clueless where female intentions are concerned.


Ignore the messages unless they are specifically work related. You are both married so yes its inappropriate.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female*, I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives,* obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent.
> So will act accordingly, just for the record,* I had an emotional affair,* not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


The two bolded statements are antithetical to one another. You know exactly what the intent is. You don’t have difficultly realizing you’re in an affair, you have difficulty not having affairs.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jamieboy said:


> Ahhhh you got me, *loads of previous posters fell for it *though. Telling me what I wanted to hear 🙄
> 
> Taking the consensus, I think I'll cut this one off, I have a second interview for a new job to try and sort my previous mistakes once and for all, so there is that





Jamieboy said:


> I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female, *I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives, obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future*. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent.
> *So will act accordingly, just for the record, I had an emotional affair*, not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


As a former CEO, let me give you a little advice. By all means cut things off. *THIS IS THE POST "ME TOO" ERA. *From a legal and social justice perspective perception is everything. Having any kind of workplace relationship, which could be taken out of context and portrayed as sexual between you and a subordinate is a sure career killer and likely to be the focal point for litigation if the relationship doesn't go her way.

You were very, very lucky nothing bad happened. Don't expect to be out of the woods yet.

Good luck.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Even if you never cheated and weren’t married, don’t get involved with coworkers.


Given your stance on this, am I right to presume that you're against long term relationships and marriage? 'cause most workplace relationships lead to long term relationships and marriage.

Yet here you are urging against something, that most often leads to long lasting relationships, including mine. With my wife and I happily being together, for 26 years and 3 months (23½ years married) so far.

*The Debate Over the Prohibition of Romance in the Workplace* C. Boyd

"*Marriage versus harassment as an outcome of workplace romance*

Pierce and Aguinis (2009) cite data indicating that there are 10 million9 new workplace romances a year in the US compared to an average of 14,200 sexual harassment claims per year, an incidence of one harassment case per 704 romances. Given that only a proportion of harassment claims arise form failed romances, the incidence of romance-related harassment may be as low as 1 in 3-to-5000 romances.

................

Harassment is not the only possible outcome of a workplace romance, however. An American Management Association survey reveals that 44% of workplace romances lead to marriage, while another 23% lead to a long-term relationship that either continues or has since ended (AMA, 2003). Just 33% of respondents reported office dating led to short term relationships.

It should really not be surprising that some two thirds of office romances end up as long term relationships: one book that promotes office dating states that "Work-based romances develop gradually over months and years, allowing people to get to know one another instead of rushing to judgement based on first impressions." (Losee and Olen, 2007) These and other authors claim that the workplace is by far and away the best location to meet a future partner."


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Personal said:


> Given your stance on this, am I right to presume that you're against long term relationships and marriage? 'cause most workplace relationships lead to long term relationships and marriage.
> 
> Yet here you are urging against something, that most often leads to long lasting relationships, including mine. With my wife and I happily being together, for 26 years and 3 months (23½ years married) so far.
> 
> ...


I’m happy in my marriage, so no, I’m not against marriage and LTR’s. That’s great that your relationship worked out and I’m sure there are other success stories like it, but I feel it’s better to date people outside of work. We’re all entitled to our opinions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had a crush on a female colleague. She was everything I wanted in a woman. 

And what did I do? Absolutely nothing. Because that's what a married person does.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I am against dating co workers . I'm sure it works for some , it did not work for me. 
It taught me a valuable lesson about myself.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> I had a crush on a female colleague. She was everything I wanted in a woman.
> 
> And what did I do? Absolutely nothing. Because that's what a married person does.


And the grass always looks greener. So I'm sure you made the right decision.


Jamieboy said:


> I'm fine with this as a general concept, but I enjoy social interaction with people, male and female, I have difficulty discerning the intent behind female motives, obviously I messed up last time, and want to guard against it for the future. Hence my question, the message I'm receiving is to cut it off as her intentions aren't innocent.
> So will act accordingly, just for the record, I had an emotional affair, not physical, I know some don't see the difference but it makes a difference to me and my wife


I am confused as to why you'd ask a forum if this is okay that you keep having banters w/ said co-worker. You obviously know it's wrong or you wouldn't be on here. Ask your wife. 😎 Doubt she'd approve. I know I wouldn't.


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

You are easy going, nice guy in her eyes, and she is bored, she feels safe bantering with you to kill some times. 
I don't think she is into you romantically way.


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