# My Mother is Dating a Black Man



## trv93

First of all, before I am misunderstood, I want to clear up the fact that I am not at all a racist, and I have nothing against interracial relationships and neither do I have a problem with my mother dating a black man. Secondly, I realize this threat doesn't exactly belong here, as most of the people who post here are parents, and in my case it is the opposite, however I feel that it still belongs here, as it is about a parent - child relationship, and I found no more appropriate place for it than here.

I am 19 years old and my mother is 41. My parents have been divorced for over two years now and the other day she said she wanted to talk to me. She said she is now seeing someone, and we had a brief conversation about it, she told me a bit about him and that she has been seeing him for about three months now. I said I am happy for her, although it felt kinda weird. She then said "There is something else: he is black, i hope that is OK with you?". I was completely shocked, I did not see that coming at all. I would not think in a million years that my mother would even be attracted to a black man, she is as "white" as they come and has never even been close to embracing the Black culture, she has never even had any black freinds, not that she has anything against black people. (obviously) This is why this news came as a total shock to me, I was completely speechless at the time. Once again, I am not racist and I am not against my mother being with a black man as long as he treats her well and makes her happy. This is the first time my mom has had a relationship after she divorced my dad (that i know of), so I am not surprised I feel weird about it. However when I found out he was black, I felt much more awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. From what I have heard from my mom about him, he is a great guy, successful, with a good education and he treats her very well. My brain is telling me to think that this is great for my mom and I should be happy for her, while my heart is saying "Oh my God, I can't believe my mom is dating a black guy"... Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that interracial relationships are still taboo for many, and are still not widely accepted. It is a really weird feeling, which I want to get over. 

She hasn't told anyone else yet, except a handful of her close friends, she said she told me first, because she doesn't want me to hear it from someone else. I told her that I am fine with it, and that I support her. However the rest of our family doesn't know yet and I am concerned about their reaction. My grandparents are very old fashioned, I am sure they will be very against it. I don't think my father would care too much, but you never know... I am also concerned what would happen when my friends find out - some of them have made borderline racist jokes in the past about white women dating black men, even calling them names, which I would rather not write here... i really dont want them insulting my mother, or even making fun of me like that behind my back or God forbid in front of me. Interracial couples still get dirty looks when walking down the street or in the mall, i would hate my mother to be looked at like that by strangers.

In summary, I feel very weird and awkward about the whole situation, as well as concerned about my mom on how this whole thing would be taken by our family and friends. Has anyone been is a similar situation? Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with those feelings, and / or if there is anything i should tell my mom? I would greatly appreciate it.


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## LookingForTheSun

If she is happy and he is a good man, let her be happy. If your friends have a problem with it, you need new friends. Who cares what your dad thinks. She is not married to him. Let her deal with your grandparents. We are all a melting pot in this country. What is on the inside is important. The outside is just our shell.

You must live in a small town if interracial couples get stares. It is very common. She is fine.

Be happy for her. Get to know him.


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## southern wife

trv93 said:


> From what I have heard from my mom about him, he is a great guy, successful, with a good education and he treats her very well.


And those are the most important things. His skin color should not matter at all IF in fact you are *not racist*. What if he was Asian, or Mexican, etc. Would that still make a difference to you? Would it be an issue? Probably not, so what's the big deal here?

If what you said above, and what I quoted, is true.....then the rest shouldn't matter.


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## southern wife

trv93 said:


> I am also concerned what would happen when my friends find out - some of them have made borderline racist jokes in the past about white women dating black men, even calling them names, which I would rather not write here... i really dont want them insulting my mother, or even making fun of me like that behind my back or God forbid in front of me.


Then are they really your "friends"? True friends don't judge you nor your parents. They are accepting of what is. 

Interracial couples do get looks, but not by everyone. I would say that most of the looks come from older people that grew up in a much different time than we did (BTW, I'm slightly older than your Mom). They grew up with everything being segregated (activities such as eating in a restaurant, drinking from a water fountain, using a public toilet, attending school, going to the movies, or in the rental or purchase of a home).

That man that your mother is dating is very much a human being with the same emotions and feelings that you and your friends have. I'd suggest you take an inward look and decide what kind of person you are (accepting or racist). 

And btw, I'm a white woman married to a white man.


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## sandc

Meet him. If he's a nice man, great! If he is not a nice man, warn your mother.


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## Mavash.

You have the right to your feelings. It IS awkward to have your very white mom date a black man. That's not racist it's a fact. And yes you are right people can be very mean.

I recommend you honor your feelings while seeking to accept that which you have no control over. You can't control who your mom dates but you can choose how you respond to it.


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## trv93

I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments, especialy LookingForTheSun and southern wife! Your comments were very calming and comforting, thanks!


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## oncehisangel

Don't worry about other people... x


love and peace


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## joe kidd

What's the problem? Would rather have my daughter marry a black man who treated her well then a white man who was a POS.


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## Hope1964

It really saddens me that his skin color would have anything whatsoever to do with anything. The fact you are so horrified by the thought of your mom with a black man tells me that you, for whatever reason, ARE judging the relationship because of his skin color. Is that not racist?


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## trv93

Mavash. said:


> You have the right to your feelings. It IS awkward to have your very white mom date a black man. That's not racist it's a fact. And yes you are right people can be very mean.
> 
> I recommend you honor your feelings while seeking to accept that which you have no control over. You can't control who your mom dates but you can choose how you respond to it.



Yes, this is exactly my opinion. As I said in a previous post, my brain is telling me that this is great and I should be happy for her, while my heart is saying "OMG, I can't believe this"... I really have no clue why that is... If it was a white guy I would probably feel the same, just not as strongly, maybe it is because the taboo of an IR relationship.

I am sure this just needs some getting used to, as it is still brand new to me. I will tell my mom I want to meet her boyfriend on the weekend, and see how it goes I guess... Thanks for understanding


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## trv93

Hope1964 said:


> It really saddens me that his skin color would have anything whatsoever to do with anything. The fact you are so horrified by the thought of your mom with a black man tells me that you, for whatever reason, ARE judging the relationship because of his skin color. Is that not racist?


1. I am NOT horrified at all, I am concerned, mostly about how OTHER people would accept it. As much as I shouldn't care, this will affect my mother's life, as well as mine.

2. I wrote that I told her I fully support her in this relationship and I am happy for her

3. I wrote I just feel weird about it from deep inside of me, a feeling I can't control, which is mostly because this is brand new to me and it takes getting used to and I will work hard to get used to it. 

4. I am in no way shape or form racist! Don't be so quick to judge, you don't even know me!


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## Mavash.

Racist: The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.

This is not the same as feeling awkward when your mom dates someone outside her race. 

I'd feel awkward if my mom dated a black man, another woman, became a swinger, had a sex change, oh I could go on and on. It's not that I judge these things it's just weird when it's MY MOTHER. I'd accept it eventually but at first it would definately be weird.


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## Hope1964

I am not judging you. I am asking you. What exactly is racism, then, if it isn't feeling differently, usually negatively, about someone because of their race? No need to get defensive.

It saddens me that ANYone would think negatively about this relationship just because he is black. Not just you.


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## Hope1964

Being 'shocked' and 'speechless' didn't come across as just feeling awkward, to me anyway.

It came across kinda like someone saying "No offense, but......." and proceeding to offend someone.



trv93 said:


> First of all, before I am misunderstood, I want to clear up the fact that I am not at all a racist, and I have nothing against interracial relationships and neither do I have a problem with my mother dating a black man. Secondly, I realize this threat doesn't exactly belong here, as most of the people who post here are parents, and in my case it is the opposite, however I feel that it still belongs here, as it is about a parent - child relationship, and I found no more appropriate place for it than here.
> 
> I am 19 years old and my mother is 41. My parents have been divorced for over two years now and the other day she said she wanted to talk to me. She said she is now seeing someone, and we had a brief conversation about it, she told me a bit about him and that she has been seeing him for about three months now. I said I am happy for her, although it felt kinda weird. She then said "There is something else: he is black, i hope that is OK with you?". *I was completely shocked,* I did not see that coming at all. I would not think in a million years that my mother would even be attracted to a black man, *she is as "white" as they come* and has never even been close to embracing the Black culture, she has never even had any black freinds, not that she has anything against black people. (obviously) This is why this news came as a total shock to me, *I was completely speechless* at the time. Once again, I am not racist and I am not against my mother being with a black man as long as he treats her well and makes her happy. This is the first time my mom has had a relationship after she divorced my dad (that i know of), so I am not surprised I feel weird about it. However when I found out he was black, I felt much more awkward and uncomfortable with the situation. From what I have heard from my mom about him, he is a great guy, successful, with a good education and he treats her very well. My brain is telling me to think that this is great for my mom and I should be happy for her, while *my heart is saying "Oh my God, I can't believe my mom is dating a black guy"*... Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that interracial relationships are still taboo for many, and are still not widely accepted. It is a really weird feeling, which I want to get over.
> 
> She hasn't told anyone else yet, except a handful of her close friends, she said she told me first, because she doesn't want me to hear it from someone else. I told her that I am fine with it, and that I support her. However the rest of our family doesn't know yet and I am concerned about their reaction. My grandparents are very old fashioned, I am sure they will be very against it. I don't think my father would care too much, but you never know... I am also concerned what would happen when my friends find out - some of them have made borderline racist jokes in the past about white women dating black men, even calling them names, which I would rather not write here... i really dont want them insulting my mother, or even making fun of me like that behind my back or God forbid in front of me. Interracial couples still get dirty looks when walking down the street or in the mall, i would hate my mother to be looked at like that by strangers.
> 
> In summary, I feel very weird and awkward about the whole situation, as well as concerned about my mom on how this whole thing would be taken by our family and friends. Has anyone been is a similar situation? Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with those feelings, and / or if there is anything i should tell my mom? I would greatly appreciate it.


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## Mavash.

Hope1964 said:


> Being 'shocked' and 'speechless' didn't come across as just feeling awkward, to me anyway.


Oh Hope she's 19 cut her some slack. 

It was a shock to her and she didn't know how to respond (aka speechless) but that still doesn't make her a racist.


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## Hope1964

The fact he is 19 is all the more reason to call him on it. He is still young enough to change his views.

trv93 I am really NOT trying to make you feel bad here. Just get you to think.


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## southern wife

If it's a long-lasting relationship, you'll get use to it. Just meet the man; I'm sure he's a nice guy.


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## southern wife

And at 19, he didn't grow up with segregation, like his Grandparents probably did. Not even his Mom, since she's in my age group. I had a black friend in Kindergarten, and have had many since then. I'm sure this 19 year old does, too. Interracial couples are everywhere these days. Look around.....you'll find that it's not quite so "taboo" anymore. It's actually more the norm.


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## Phenix70

You can't worry what other people think of you or your family.
There will always be those who will judge you, no matter what you do, you can't live your life for them, you can only live your life for yourself. 

I'm bi-racial & my husband is white.
We've gotten looks before & we just laugh it off.
It's not our problem, it's THEIR problem. 
I don't care what other people do with their private lives, why should they concern themselves with mine?

Rise above the judgement of others, focus on getting to know the new man in your mom's life.


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## trv93

Hope1964 said:


> Being 'shocked' and 'speechless' didn't come across as just feeling awkward, to me anyway.
> 
> It came across kinda like someone saying "No offense, but......." and proceeding to offend someone.


"Shocked" and "speechless" were exactly that - i was shocked, because I didn't expect that at all - my mother has never even personally known any black people before, and now she is in an interracial relationship... Now if that happened to you would you not be surprised? I doubt it. It is easy to judge other people....

And just to break it down to you again - I said I feel concerned not because she is dating a black man, but because she is entering an interracial relationship. There is a huge difference, just like there is a huge difference between being in an iterracial relationship and being in a relationship with a white guy. With the interracial relationship, people judge, call names, attach labels, stare and etc... But if you insist on calling me a racist, fine, I don't really care what you think


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## Hope1964

I think that we will truly be past all the prejudice and racism when we don't even think about whether someone is of a different race/ethnicity. We all know that it shouldn't matter, but until it truly doesn't, they still exist. Even just saying "I had a black friend in kindergarten" means it's there. (sorry sw, that was just a very convenient example)

I know I am racist. I see a bad driver and immediately think to myself "They must be [insert member of immigrant community here]. It's something I have to work on. It's horrible and completely unfair.


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## Hope1964

trv93 said:


> But if you insist on calling me a racist, fine, I don't really care what you think


I am not sure why I am pissing you off. I did not call you a racist - I asked you to think about it.  I'll back out of your thread then.


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## trv93

BTW, you guys got it wrong... I am not a "she", I'm a "he"  Just a heads-up


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## trv93

Hope1964 said:


> I am not sure why I am pissing you off. I did not call you a racist - I asked you to think about it. I'll back out of your thread then.



The reason I got mad is because you were picking at every one of my words more than a university instructor, who is behind on thair fails, thats all. No hard feelings


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## southern wife

trv93 said:


> BTW, you guys got it wrong... I am not a "she", I'm a "he"  Just a heads-up


I fixed my post!


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## southern wife

Hope1964 said:


> (sorry sw, that was just a very convenient example)





Sure it's there. It's just a difference in skin color and nothing else.  I'm not racist and don't use racist words. 

My parents, on the other hand, are very much so. But their raising me and my siblings didn't make us racist. One of my sisters is married to a black man (any other way to describe it?); Dad has cut her out of his will. My brother use to have a best friend that was a black man (can't think of any other word(s). Just sayin'


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## GTdad

You know, there's a good chance you'd be put off by the first man your mom dated after her divorce, regardless of skin color. And maybe "put off" isn't the best way to put it; maybe it's more of a general unease. Him being of a different race is just one more thing to be uneasy about. I get that, and wouldn't rush to label it as "racism". Try to dig a little deeper to articulate what precisely makes you uneasy about the situation. 

I'm sure you want your mom to be with a man who'll be good to her. All else is mental static/white noise.


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## southern wife

GTdad said:


> *You know, there's a good chance you'd be put off by the first man your mom dated after her divorce, regardless of skin color.* And maybe "put off" isn't the best way to put it; maybe it's more of a general unease. Him being of a different race is just one more thing to be uneasy about. I get that, and wouldn't rush to label it as "racism". Try to dig a little deeper to articulate what precisely makes you uneasy about the situation.
> 
> I'm sure you want your mom to be with a man who'll be good to her. All else is mental static/white noise.


:iagree: 100%


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## trv93

GTdad said:


> You know, there's a good chance you'd be put off by the first man your mom dated after her divorce, regardless of skin color. And maybe "put off" isn't the best way to put it; maybe it's more of a general unease. Him being of a different race is just one more thing to be uneasy about. I get that, and wouldn't rush to label it as "racism". Try to dig a little deeper to articulate what precisely makes you uneasy about the situation.
> 
> I'm sure you want your mom to be with a man who'll be good to her. All else is mental static/white noise.



This is what I've been trying to say all along, thank you!


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## Jasel

There are always going to be some people who have a problem with it. You can't control what other people think or how they'll react. All you can control is yourself.

If it doesn't bother you, he treats her nice, and the relationship goes somewhere you'll get used to it eventually and wonder why it was such a shock to begin with.

Hope everything works out.


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## Wiserforit

trv93 said:


> The reason I got mad is because you were picking at every one of my words more than a university instructor, who is behind on thair fails, thats all. No hard feelings


There is a difference between bigotry and racism. With bigotry we are not on a hate campaign, but we do prefer dating within our own group or being friends within our own group, etc. It can range on a scale of very mild to substantial before it drifts into racism.

If one is steadfast in their complete lack of either then one would take offense at even the idea of your mother or anyone else being looked at critically for dating someone in another race. It would be irrelevant that your mom had not had friends from that race. It would not be a shock any more than if your mom had said he was a Baptist, professional golfer, or preferred lemon ice cream over chocolate. 

Your mind would not race to "what will other people think". You would not be speechless. You can blame your shock on others, but I'm not buying it. They weren't shocked and speechless - you were. 

Go ahead and say exactly the same things to him when you meet him. Tell him how shocked you were, how speechless, and how you worried about what other people would say about your mom seeing *gasp* a _black man_. Justify it with the rationalizations that she had no black friends before, wasn't interested in black culture, etc. - just keep on listing all of the reasons. The longer you keep running your mouth with reasons the more right he has to be offended. 

I'm in an interracial marriage, but we see almost zero bigotry about that. We see it in our age difference. I can tell you something by personal experience: if people have reasons - any at all - then there is something inside of _them_ that is the problem. If you have zero racism, zero bigotry, then there are no reasons to list. There is no shock. There is no speechlessness.

The answer is "so what?"


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## trv93

Wiserforit said:


> There is a difference between bigotry and racism. With bigotry we are not on a hate campaign, but we do prefer dating within our own group or being friends within our own group, etc. It can range on a scale of very mild to substantial before it drifts into racism.
> 
> If one is steadfast in their complete lack of either then one would take offense at even the idea of your mother or anyone else being looked at critically for dating someone in another race. It would be irrelevant that your mom had not had friends from that race. It would not be a shock any more than if your mom had said he was a Baptist, professional golfer, or preferred lemon ice cream over chocolate.
> 
> Your mind would not race to "what will other people think". You would not be speechless. You can blame your shock on others, but I'm not buying it. They weren't shocked and speechless - you were.
> 
> Go ahead and say exactly the same things to him when you meet him. Tell him how shocked you were, how speechless, and how you worried about what other people would say about your mom seeing *gasp* a _black man_. Justify it with the rationalizations that she had no black friends before, wasn't interested in black culture, etc. - just keep on listing all of the reasons. The longer you keep running your mouth with reasons the more right he has to be offended.
> 
> I'm in an interracial marriage, but we see almost zero bigotry about that. We see it in our age difference. I can tell you something by personal experience: if people have reasons - any at all - then there is something inside of _them_ that is the problem. If you have zero racism, zero bigotry, then there are no reasons to list. There is no shock. There is no speechlessness.
> 
> The answer is "so what?"



well i must be a bigot than. you learn something every day. 

The fact that I was shocked when I found out was an internal reaction, I will not blame myself for it. You can call me a bigot, a racist, a nazi or a white supremacist, I will not not try to convince you otherwise, because I don't care.


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## Miss Taken

Forgive me but I’m going to ramble on a little....

Interracial dating is not awkward unless you make it awkward. I also disagree with Mavash that dating a black man is similar to your straight parent coming out of the closet or joining a swingers group. He’s a black man, not a different species or gender. All the equipment is the same, the colour is different is all.  

My sister and I are biracial – half Jamaican and half Finnish. You should see the photos of our fine selves with our gorgeous extended family. Our beautiful brown skin enveloped in a sea of equally beautiful blond haired, blue eyed folks that love us and each other just the same is a sight I’d never change.

Likewise, my ex and his siblings are also biracial. Their mother is from Ireland and dad is from Jamaica. They’ve been married nearly 40 years. So them getting together back then would be a lot more “awkward” than your mom dating a black man in today’s day and age. You should also see my kids and my nephews! My sister-in-law married a white guy so my nephews look white, my oldest is brown like me, our baby – well that’s too early to tell. He’s light now so could be lighter like his dad or brown like me – either way he is loved and gorgeous. Family reunions on their side of the family were fun too. Ever heard Jamaican and Irish dialects/accents being spoken at a wedding? What a riot! Also, not to stereotype but getting drank under the table by 80+ year old Irish women during my “partying phase” was quite a laugh.

I spent the better part of my formative years in a small town that was mostly Finnish, Irish, Polish and Native Indian before moving to a big city. There was only one Eastern Asian kid and I was friends with her and the only real black people were either biracial (or very sparse) or student immigrants at the local University. Yet, despite the lack of diversity growing up, there was less awkwardness there than in this thread lol. I also dated outside of my race back then because otherwise who else would I dance with at semi-formal or prom!?

I don’t think your mother could be any whiter than my mom or my Aunt. Both of which are blond-haired, blue-eyed, came from Finland, spoke/speak finnish as their first language. My mom listened to country music and rock and roll and also music from her home country with songs that had titles longer than most English sentences. My Aunt was married to my great Uncle (another Finn) for 26 years and when she was through with grieving after that relationship ended (he cheated), one of the first things she did was have a fling in Jamaica lol. She was hiding her crush for Denzel Washington for nearly three decades.

Stop focusing so much about the colour of his skin and look at how he treats your mother and makes her happy. People are people and we all bleed red and if you are a good person, the chances of having similar values and common interests with someone – no matter what colour they are great. Culture is also very subjective and has a lot more to do with where you grew up vs. what colour you are. I was born in Canada and the first time I ever heard Ebonics in person was when I visited the Mall of America in Minneapolis ten years ago lol. Since moving to a big city and being around all different races and cultures, I can tell you that we’re a lot more alike than you think.


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## Miss Taken

southern wife said:


> Sure it's there. It's just a difference in skin color and nothing else.  I'm not racist and don't use racist words.
> 
> My parents, on the other hand, are very much so. But their raising me and my siblings didn't make us racist. One of my sisters is married to a black man (any other way to describe it?); Dad has cut her out of his will. My brother use to have a best friend that was a black man (can't think of any other word(s). Just sayin'


SW, as an aside, my grandfather was also racist but none of his children were/are. He would have been one of the first people to offer to burn a cross on a lawn if you gave him some wood a nail and a match. Then my sister was born. He was still an @sshole, drunk and a wife beater (may he rest in pieces) but my sister found the last remaining piece of his ice cold heart and melted it from stone. The pictures of them together from 0 - 2 are so sweet despite all of his nasty traits. He was very loving and tender with her. She was his first grand-baby and he spoiled her rotten. He died when she was 2 (before I was born) and wasn’t racist on his last day on earth so that counts for something.


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## WillPrez

If your mother is happy with him and he is a gentleman and just your mothers friend and gives her cheer then i think it is ok.


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## jfv

trv93, you are 19 years old. You are learning something about yourself and about life. Use this experience to become a better person. Oh yeah and get better friends too.


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## RandomDude

Classic example of:
"I'm not racist but..."

Heh can't believe that's even a site for it:
I'm not racist, but...



> If you have zero racism, zero bigotry, then there are no reasons to list. There is no shock. There is no speechlessness.
> 
> The answer is "so what?"


Sums up the thread.


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## Anonymous07

trv93 said:


> 1. I am NOT horrified at all, I am concerned, mostly about how OTHER people would accept it. As much as I shouldn't care, this will affect my mother's life, as well as mine.
> 
> 2. I wrote that I told her I fully support her in this relationship and I am happy for her
> 
> 3. I wrote I just feel weird about it from deep inside of me, a feeling I can't control, which is mostly because this is brand new to me and it takes getting used to and I will work hard to get used to it.


You can't worry about what other people will think, as there will always be people who will judge you and/or your family. In the end, their opinions absolutely do *not* matter. This is part of growing up and you'll have to learn to let negative comments go in one ear and out the other. 

If your "friends" are the ones making negative comments, then it's time to get some new friends because they aren't making your life any better and they should be. Friends should be supportive and there for you. If they are not doing so, then they are not true friends. 

Try not to focus on the color of this man's skin, as that is just his outer shell. What really matters is how he treats your mother, which you have said he treats her well, so that is really good and you should be happy for her. We are all part of the human race, so the color of someone's skin is just varying levels of pigment in the skin, which does not make us very different from one another.

My husband is Hispanic(tan, black hair), while I am very white(blonde hair, pale skin - about as white as you can get). We rarely get looks from people and when we do, it never bothers either of us. People of different races and nationalities are a lot more similar than you think. In all there are more similarities between races than there are within races. Just something to think about. 

Be happy that your mom has found someone who treats her well and she is happy with. Get to know the guy and open your mind a little bit.


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## Wiserforit

trv93 said:


> You can call me a bigot, a racist, a nazi or a white supremacist, I will not not try to convince you otherwise, because I don't care.


You're not very good at manipulation. And you do care, or you would not use childish tactics of playing the victim with exaggerations like this. Oh boo hoo hoo - poor me, you called me all these awful names... that were not used at all. 




> well i must be a bigot than. you learn something every day.


Playing dumb. Oh golly, being shocked that my mom is seeing a black man? Bigotry?! 

Not me! Who are you going to trust? Me, or your lying eyes?



> The fact that I was shocked when I found out was an internal reaction, I will not blame myself for it.


Of course you won't blame yourself. It's everyone else's fault except yours. 

You have some growing up to do. The person responsible for your reaction was you.


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## EleGirl

trv93 said:


> well i must be a bigot than. you learn something every day.
> 
> The fact that I was shocked when I found out was an internal reaction, I will not blame myself for it. You can call me a bigot, a racist, a nazi or a white supremacist, I will not not try to convince you otherwise, because I don't care.


You are young and grew up in a social group that was obviously all or mostly white. It's no surprise that your mother dating a black man is something of a shock to you. So what. You are in the middle of a learning experience. You can assume that since your mother has decided to date him that he's a good man. That's all that really matters. You know that but are struggling with some silly social nonsense.

I know many black people who would be just as shocked if someone in their family dated a white person. 

I know blacks, Hispanics, American Indians, Arabs, etc who would be just as shocked if someone in their family dated a white person. I know non-whites who have disowned family members for dating and/or marrying whites.

There is racism and bigotry, in all the races, all the ethnic groups, all the religions, etc, to go around. None group has a monopoly on racism and bigotry. Don’t let people here and others guilt you into thinking that you should be ashamed for your initial reaction to your mother’s news. What is important is that this is a learning experience for you. What you do with this is important. You are now faced with a challenge to your belief system. Embrace the challenge and realize that people are people. It’s something like only .5% of our DNA that accounts for the racial differences. Ethnic differences are only created by what we are taught as children. Cultural things are not even in our DNA. There is really only one race, the human race. 

There is also nothing called the “black culture”. It just does not exist. There is no such thing as the “white culture”. I’m mentioning this because I saw the term “black culture” used here by someone. It’s all such nonsense.

If you have ‘friends’ who react badly to your mother dating this man, drop them. they are not your friends. You will find in life that there are only a few people who you will meet in your life who are truly your friends. Most are acquaintances that just want to have fun and are out of your life the minute they have to give you support or deal with a tough situation.

I hope you grow in very positive ways from this experience.


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## seasalt

Give this kid a break. It's his mother that he is expressing concern about.

You have no idea about how and why his parents divorced. What his relationship is with his father and what impact his mother's decisions will have on his parental connections in the future.

Stop the holier than thous and help him with things he can do to cope with the obvious discomfort he will have with his friends and extended family. You can't expect him to tell his grandparents and father to stiffle themselves.

To the original poster, you must have an adult conversation with your mother explaining your feelings and concerns for both your futures. Don't forget it won't be very long before you leave the home and you can't expect your mom to be sitting in a rocker waiting for you visits.

A son should be concerned about what's best for his mom but can't be allowed to call her shots.

Good luck to you.


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## trv93

Wiserforit said:


> You're not very good at manipulation. And you do care, or you would not use childish tactics of playing the victim with exaggerations like this. Oh boo hoo hoo - poor me, you called me all these awful names... that were not used at all.



First of all I never said you called me any of those names, all I said was that if you did I wouldn't care. Learn to read! And no, I really don't care what you think or say about me at all - you don't know me nearly well eneough to have valid opinion about me, and I don't know you at all. Your opinion makes no difference in my life whatsoever, therefore what you think about me or call me makes no difference, therefore I don't care at all about what you have to say about me, not even a little bit. Do you get it now, or do you need further, more detailed explanation of why I don't care? LOL



Wiserforit said:


> Of course you won't blame yourself. It's everyone else's fault except yours.
> 
> You have some growing up to do. The person responsible for your reaction was you.


Blame myself for what? Have I committed some sort of a hate crime that I didn't know about? For being surprised? Being surprised is a sensation that a person's mind has no control over, just in case you didn't know that. And what is it that I've done that is so horrible wrong in the first place? I never said anything negative about it, or that I am against it or anything like that - quite the opposite, I said that I am happy for my mom and I will support her no matter what... and now I have to feel "responsible for my reaction" and "blame myself" LOL... seems like the one that has some growing up to do is you. You are being way too oversensitive and way too quick to attach labels and judge. Just a thought to consider.


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## trv93

seasalt said:


> To the original poster, you must have an adult conversation with your mother explaining your feelings and concerns for both your futures. Don't forget it won't be very long before you leave the home and you can't expect your mom to be sitting in a rocker waiting for you visits.
> 
> A son should be concerned about what's best for his mom but can't be allowed to call her shots.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thanks for being understanding... BTW I have already moved out... and as I said I completely support my mom and I am happy for her. I probably will talk to her about everything soon.


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## d4life

trv93 said:


> Thanks for being understanding... BTW I have already moved out... and as I said I completely support my mom and I am happy for her. I probably will talk to her about everything soon.


I think you have handled this better than some people would, and you should be proud of your self for that. It shows maturity and respect IMO. I wish you the very bet of luck.


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## trv93

d4life said:


> I think you have handled this better than some people would, and you should be proud of your self for that. It shows maturity and respect IMO. I wish you the very bet of luck.


Thanks


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## Coffee Amore

I'm surrprised that you're so shocked and surprised to see someone dating a black man. We have a biracial president the last time I checked. It's not that shocking. Sure it must have been shocking in the 1960s when President Obama's white mother married his Kenyan father, but now..in 2013? 

I don't know where you live, but interracial marriages are very common where I am, not just among blacks and whites, but amongst asians and whites, etc. I'm not in an interracial marriage, but many of my colleagues and friends are. No one here would bat an eyelash at a couple who have different ethnicities. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am to live here. Apparently, it's still shocking to see a white woman and black man. 

While I don't know if you're racist or not, understand that to be bigoted doesn't mean you have to burn a cross in someone's yard while wearing white robes or call someone the "N" word. Even if you don't do those awful things, you could harbor all sorts of hidden negative stereotypes about black people. Consider this a learning opportunity, a time for personal self-growth.

While your post starts off with all sorts of disclaimers about how you're not prejudiced, your shock, your wondering what others think, makes me wonder if deep down you do have prejudices perhaps that you're not even aware of.


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## RandomDude

It's always taboo for any white-looking woman to be with a non-white man. Part of the reason I kept insisting on my wife dying her hair black because we kinda stand out when we're together. She's always been stubborn about it though.

Personally if I had a choice I wouldn't have married her because interracial marriage means putting up with BS and ignorance like this for the rest of our lives. But I failed to find anyone of my own race that matched her individual qualities so meh. Sh-t happens, too late now anyways, besides it's been long enough, I don't really give a sh-t no more about her race.


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## Anonymous07

RandomDude said:


> It's always taboo for any white-looking woman to be with a non-white man. Part of the reason I kept insisting on my wife dying her hair black because we kinda stand out when we're together. She's always been stubborn about it though.
> 
> Personally if I had a choice I wouldn't have married her because interracial marriage means putting up with BS and ignorance like this for the rest of our lives. But I failed to find anyone of my own race that matched her individual qualities so meh. Sh-t happens, too late now anyways, besides it's been long enough, I don't really give a sh-t no more about her race.


You actually get negative looks and remarks? Honestly, it's surprising. I would never say it's taboo for people to be in interracial relationships or marriages.

My husband is Hispanic and I'm white, but we rarely ever get any looks, BS, or ignorance from anyone. Who cares if you stand out? I would never dye my hair to make myself look more like my husband's race, because it should not and does not matter. We're in the twenty first century, so it's about time that people start recognizing that. We're all part of the human race, it doesn't matter what color your skin(or hair) is.


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## Wiserforit

trv93 said:


> First of all I never said you called me any of those names, all I said was that if you did I wouldn't care. Learn to read!


Denying playing the victim, after playing the victim. 

Your manipulative skills are about a "C" grade. 




> And no, I really don't care what you think or say about me at all - you don't know me nearly well eneough to have valid opinion about me, and I don't know you at all. Your opinion makes no difference in my life whatsoever, therefore what you think about me or call me makes no difference, therefore I don't care at all about what you have to say about me, not even a little bit. Do you get it now, or do you need further, more detailed explanation of why I don't care? LOL


My eyes work just fine, watching you respond so vehemently to something you claim not to care about.

This is the key feature of a manipulator: denying the thing you are doing, while in the middle of doing it. 





> Blame myself for what? Have I committed some sort of a hate crime that I didn't know about?


More playing the victim by exaggerating what is said. If you show signs of bigotry then pretend you have been accused of a hate crime. 



> For being surprised? Being surprised is a sensation that a person's mind has no control over, just in case you didn't know that.


You have no control over yourself, eh? More denial. 




> And what is it that I've done that is so horrible wrong in the first place?


Third time playing the victim with highly exaggerated framing of the degree of bigotry you have shown. 

The interesting thing about manipulative people is they keep repeating their tactics over and over again - while denying they are doing it. 



> I never said anything negative about it,


Yes you did: shocked. 

Then you used the classic blame-shifting that "other" people will have problems with it. In 1950, that might have had some validity. But in 21st century USA that is preposterous unless you hang with white supremacists. 




> or that I am against it or anything like that - quite the opposite, I said that I am happy for my mom and I will support her no matter what... and now I have to feel "responsible for my reaction" and "blame myself" LOL... seems like the one that has some growing up to do is you. You are being way too oversensitive and way too quick to attach labels and judge. Just a thought to consider.


Anything except acknowledge that "shock" (your words) is the wrong reaction to mixed association of any kind.

Obviously you came here wanting a gold medal for accepting this "shock" of mom dating a black man. 

This whole thread is about you contradicting yourself by claiming to be shocked but at the same time claiming not to be shocked - but instead supportive and completely void of any negative opinions. Just standard manipulative denial. 

I'm married outside my race and had a black adopted brother in the 1960's. That was _half a century ago_. 

I didn't need people praising me for normal behavior or have them making absurd statements about handling it better than most. Pffft.


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## 827Aug

I believe the title is what started the accusations of racism. Wouldn't it had been better to have titled the thread, "My Mother is Dating a Man of a Different Race"? Less decretory and prejudice?


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## RandomDude

Anonymous07 said:


> You actually get negative looks and remarks? Honestly, it's surprising. I would never say it's taboo for people to be in interracial relationships or marriages.
> 
> My husband is Hispanic and I'm white, but we rarely ever get any looks, BS, or ignorance from anyone. Who cares if you stand out? I would never dye my hair to make myself look more like my husband's race, because it should not and does not matter. We're in the twenty first century, so it's about time that people start recognizing that. We're all part of the human race, it doesn't matter what color your skin(or hair) is.


Hispanic/white is not really alien as it's quite common. I'm Asian you see, relationships with 'white' females are very rare hence the stares. You have to live it to see. Most Asians aren't sexually attracted to western women past the age of 25, and vice versa there's also the taboo and stereotypes. Hence they normally date other Asians or other women except white.

As my first girlfriend was Hungarian I'm more open-minded I guess, though I do stay away from Anglo-Saxon women and hit on Europeans like my first, I am a bit prejudiced in that way. Even my wife is half Euro even though she was born and raised here.

As for the stares; where we live yes, kinda got used to it now though. But it annoyed me for a time - especially when a part of me is still the type of guy who wants to start a fight over someone staring at me for longer than 2 seconds. I CAN'T STAND IT lol
We had a few fights over it though like my wife was sick of me rejecting public affection simply because I didn't want to give people the impression that we were married. We also had drivebys with people throwing beer bottles at my daughter and us. Once I got pissed and chased them and they drove over a red light lol

Just the area we live in though, it's very Anglo-centric. Embarrassing place for Australians as it's far from multicultural


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## unbelievable

He's only black on the outside. I've seen a bunch of human insides. Apart from that pesky outer layer, we all look remarkably alike. I grew up watching my white father abuse my white mother. As long as the she was finally being treated with love and respect, I wouldn't care if my mom dated a cross-dressing space alien.


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## RandomDude

Well there's even interspecies porn available nowadays hehe

Not to mention the media, like Mass Effect, blue aliens FTW! 
Maybe I should get wifey to jump in a pool of blue dye. Blue dabba dee dabba die heh. Nah she'll probably give me "that look" lol



827Aug said:


> I believe the title is what started the accusations of racism. Wouldn't it had been better to have titled the thread, "My Mother is Dating a Man of a Different Race"? Less decretory and prejudice?


Nah, I would still be annoyed myself, I'm not even black but I've put up with the taboo all my life so it doesn't really matter - I'm against folks being prejudiced against someone else's interracial business regardless of whatever color.

If they don't want to do IR, that's fine, it's their business. Everyone has their own personal preferences, but who really has the right to dictate upon them?


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## trv93

Wiserforit said:


> Your manipulative skills are about a "C" grade.


Buddy, I really don't care enough about your opinion to try to "manipulate" you! Really, who do you think you are, and why do you believe that your opinion is so important to me, that that I would try and "manipulate" it? You are just some forum troll to me and it really makes no difference to my life at all what you write about me on an online forum. I couldn't care less about what you think or write about me at all, I don't even know you! Get that over your thick head!



Wiserforit said:


> You have no control over yourself, eh? More denial.


You must be some wanna-be psychologist who never made it out of, or even into university. 
And yes, being surprised is an internal and subconcious reaction, which a person's mind has no control over. A wanna-be psychologist, such as yourself, should know that.



Wiserforit said:


> My eyes work just fine, watching you respond so vehemently to something you claim not to care about.
> 
> This is the key feature of a manipulator: denying the thing you are doing, while in the middle of doing it.



Oookay, Mr. Wanna-be Psychologist Guy




Wiserforit said:


> This whole thread is about you contradicting yourself by claiming to be shocked but at the same time claiming not to be shocked - but instead supportive and completely void of any negative opinions. Just standard manipulative denial.


Actually I started this thread to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, how they handled it, if they felt the same, etc, and I asked about an advise on how to handle my feelings of weirdness and awkwardness. I didn't start this thread because I wanted to hear anyone's opinion of me, positive or negative. However, as a respected wanna-be psychologist, you must know better that I do, so I will not argue. :rofl:

Also, be advised that I will no longer read or reply to your posts, although according to you they are of vital importance to my life (LOL) I don't feel the need to explain myself and defend myself of accusations about racism and manipulation (LOL). You can continue to post whatever you want here, but I will not read it. However I would suggest finding someone else to accuse of racism, ***** at, and analyze their manipulative tactics on the forum. Or one better - get a life, loser!


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## EleGirl

Wiserforit said:


> Denying playing the victim, after playing the victim.
> 
> Your manipulative skills are about a "C" grade.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My eyes work just fine, watching you respond so vehemently to something you claim not to care about.
> 
> This is the key feature of a manipulator: denying the thing you are doing, while in the middle of doing it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> More playing the victim by exaggerating what is said. If you show signs of bigotry then pretend you have been accused of a hate crime.
> 
> 
> 
> You have no control over yourself, eh? More denial.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Third time playing the victim with highly exaggerated framing of the degree of bigotry you have shown.
> 
> The interesting thing about manipulative people is they keep repeating their tactics over and over again - while denying they are doing it.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes you did: shocked.
> 
> Then you used the classic blame-shifting that "other" people will have problems with it. In 1950, that might have had some validity. But in 21st century USA that is preposterous unless you hang with white supremacists.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Anything except acknowledge that "shock" (your words) is the wrong reaction to mixed association of any kind.
> 
> Obviously you came here wanting a gold medal for accepting this "shock" of mom dating a black man.
> 
> This whole thread is about you contradicting yourself by claiming to be shocked but at the same time claiming not to be shocked - but instead supportive and completely void of any negative opinions. Just standard manipulative denial.
> 
> I'm married outside my race and had a black adopted brother in the 1960's. That was _half a century ago_.
> 
> I didn't need people praising me for normal behavior or have them making absurd statements about handling it better than most. Pffft.


Attacking another poster is not something that is generally supported here. The OP has not done anything to you. 

It sounds like he has grown up in a community where there simply are very few blacks. Some parts of the world are just like that. Just as some parts of the world now almost 0% 'whites'. I am blond and blue eyed. As a child I lived in a place where there were very few whites. You should have seen the stares I used to get when I played with the other kids who lived around us. And you want to talk about prejudice; many of the religious leaders in the area told the people that they would get extra good after lives if they killed a white person. Yep… there is prejudice everywhere.

If he is from a place that has no or extremely few blacks then this might be his first real exposure to socializing with blacks. He has obviously not had the interracial exposures that you have had. It does not make him a bad person. It only makes him one whose life experiences differ from yours.


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## EleGirl

827Aug said:


> I believe the title is what started the accusations of racism. Wouldn't it had been better to have titled the thread, "My Mother is Dating a Man of a Different Race"? Less decretory and prejudice?


It's racist now to say "Black Man"? Really?


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## RandomDude

Trv93,

Wiserforit has made some good points. As you're young I don't think folks here should be that harsh on you sure but at the same time we do want to educate you in the fact that it is bigotry. Regardless I think you get it based on your recent replies.



> It sounds like he has grown up in a community where there simply are very few blacks. Some parts of the world are just like that. Just as some parts of the world now almost 0% 'whites'. I am blond and blue eyed. As a child I lived in a place where there were very few whites. You should have seen the stares I used to get when I played with the other kids who lived around us. And you want to talk about prejudice; many of the religious leaders in the area told the people that they would get extra good after lives if they killed a white person. Yep… there is prejudice everywhere.


Yes exactly, I'm living in such a place. Prejudice like this is quite common.


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## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> Trv93,
> 
> Wiserforit has made some good points. As you're young I don't think folks here should be that harsh on you sure but at the same time we do want to educate you in the fact that it is bigotry.


I really like you RD, but I remember a thread you had here a long time ago in which you went on about how you really had a problem being married to a white woman because you were mixing white genetics with your genetics. You also stated that others in your racial group gave you a hard time about being married to her and having a child with her.

That was bigotry as well.

A lot of people on this earth deal with the racial issues, bigotry, etc. The OP has not "sinned" in any way. He's reaching out in help to deal with what is going on in his life. That's good. We have an opportunity to help him grow here.


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## trv93

RandomDude said:


> Trv93,
> 
> Wiserforit has made some good points. As you're young I don't think folks here should be that harsh on you sure but at the same time we do want to educate you in the fact that it is bigotry. Regardless I think you get it based on your recent replies.


Ok, I would be open to accept that... Which part exactly would you consider "bigotry"


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## 827Aug

Word choice is everything! Enough.......


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