# No Contact is So Difficult



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Hadn't heard from him for a while now. Tonight I get this text:

"The moon is beautiful tonight." (It's a full moon)

So, I ignore it. Then another:

"Sorry so late. I was just thinking of about you & wondering if you are doing ok." (It was only around 10:30pm)

What is he up to? 

I wanted to respond soooo badly, but I am trying to hold strong. I'm doing NC because every time I do respond, I'm left feeling empty and disappointed. So, why does it feel like I'm playing games?

I'm still in love and he is not. I know he's serious with the OW (it's been ten months) and I fluctuate from burst of scary angry (but mostly directed at the OW) to extremely depressed and hopeless. Not responding is the right thing, right? 

Ugh! I hate feeling like this all the time. It's been almost an hour now from that last text. I can't stop obsessing! When does it end?


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

I think the fact that he texted you is kinda cruel. 

I was in a 10 year marriage where I was treated like a doormat. I was forced out of my own home because she was having a virtual affair. I ended up filing for D last week. 

I am having a difficult time doing NC myself. Last night I was OCDing so bad, I cutup the SIM card in my cell phone and I closed my personal e-mail account. I don't want sit around waiting for her. Hopefully that will help me with NC.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

I wish I could tell you when it ends, or if it even will. From my own perspective, I do not believe that time heals anything. In eight months I have not felt even slightly better, despite hours of counseling, therapy, soul-searching, and endless conversations with any poor soul who might listen to me. All the "advice" I receive seems glib and hollow, operating largely under the assumption that I am somehow "worthy of better" and that there is some hypothetical "love I deserve" out there just waiting to be found. To me, it's pure fiction. I know this may sound strange, but I would give nearly anything to get a text like that from my STBXW, cruel or not. At least it shows that you still occupy some small space in his heart and mind, as opposed to being totally and ruthlessly excised, discarded, and forgotten with an almost robotic speed and efficiency.

However:

If responding would make you feel worse, don't do it. Don't ever willingly do anything that will make you feel worse. If you feel anything like I do, worse is precisely what you do not need to be. Hitting the bottom is bad enough; you do not need to punch through the bottom and find yourself in the Sinister Sub-Basement of Utter and Eternal Despair.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

MainStreetExile- I do feel exactly as you do. Everyone seems to think that I just need to give it time and that there is some magical future out there for me. It doesn't feel likely right now.

He's not been overtly cruel to me, but I do think I deserve more than a text every so often. For various reasons, I had to bear witness to his love drama with the OW and it was torture. It's stopped now, but he would call me for comfort when they would fight or break-up (on and off). It's been all about his selfish needs and her- I feel so discarded.

I *still* want to respond. But what would I say? I am not doing ok and I have a hard time faking it. He has expressed that although he is serious with the OW, he doesn't want to let me go. I suppose he is hoping for friendship. How can I just be his friend? I can't. What does he want? Why keep in contact? We have no children or property together. If he wants this new life so bad, it would be easy to just cut ties and let me go. Is this a case of Plan B? 

I just can't stop running these things through my mind. I must have no self-respect, because if he asked me right now I would take him back. What a nightmare.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I am pretty much in the same boat. My wife has been having an affair for about five months. She moved out two months ago. The guy is a complete loser with a pregnant girlfriend. He lived 100 miles away had no car no job and no place of his own. Now my wife has bought him a car that he can't legally drive and I think he's probably staying with her. 

I know how over it is but that doesn't change how I feel about it. I know how much of a piece of **** she is for doing this to me and our children. I can't stop caring about her. I can't get a full nights sleep. I miss her here. I just hope that in a few more months it won't feel this raw. Reading a story like yours now I am concerned what I'm going to have to do to move on.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he wants to keep having some kind of hold on you.
I would not reply except to send a handwritten note with signature required on delivery that says you do not want him to contact you in any way, and that if he continues you will get an order to prevent harassment.

My ex has waved at my children (they're not his) after we asked him not to. It disturbs my daughter, she has also seen him driving by our place which is unnecessary (we live on a side street.) On my divorce decree it provides freedom from harassment, so I am planning to take my daughter to the police station so that ex can be called and told not to drive by our place and not to wave at my children.


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

> as opposed to being totally and ruthlessly excised, discarded, and forgotten with an almost robotic speed and efficiency.


This statement made me smile. I was excised from my home and children with robotic efficiency.

No matter how much I hate my STBXW, I still crave to get any sort of communication from her. This crVing was causing me to OCD real bad. To help with the pain, I excised the cell phone and email account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Box, why are you craving attention from someone you say you hate? What is the payoff?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Myselfagain,

I dunno. I asked that very same question in my thread. I am trying to figure that out myself. Perhaps I crave an obtainable fantasy? Is it a biological thing? There is no payoff anymore. Perhaps I am craving reconciatiom? Her finally seeing my point of view? Her capitulating and saying let's fix our marriage?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Go back to your childhood. What stands out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Working on the childhood with IC. I was emotionally abandoned during childhood. I had alcoholic abusive parents during childhood. Working with the IC to see where the anger is coming from. It appears to stem somewhat from abandonment which is what my STBXW did to me. Perhaps I am hoping the STBXW to unabandon me which ain't going to happen considering I am divorcing her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

boxhead201 said:


> Working on the childhood with IC. I was emotionally abandoned during childhood. I had alcoholic abusive parents during childhood. Working with the IC to see where the anger is coming from.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you're on it.

Be patient with yourself. This is at the root of all the emotion.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Boxhead 201: Totally get the abandonment issues. All my life, my father was an alcoholic (deceased- liver gave out) and I was emotionally abused and abandoned. 

That's what it felt like when my husband left and how I continue to feel- abandoned. I thought that with the man I love by my side and him loving me warts and all, that I was "safe". I think I fell into the fantasy of believing that I could receive the unconditional love from him that I was neglected as a child. Perhaps I felt too "safe" and didn't work hard enough on being my own person (dependency issues). Boy, am I a piece of work.

There are times when I feel like the floor is falling out from under me and I'm in a panic- dying. I freeze with fear and turn into that little girl again. As an adult, I know logically that nothing is really going to happen to me but our childhood traumas do have major influence over us. 

Mule Kick: I had major self-esteem issues before and during our marriage. Now that he's gone, it's taken another serious hit. This has a good deal to do with why he left and why I can't move on. I'm hoping that this is not the case with you. 

Homemaker Numero Uno: If they wanted out so bad, why do they continue to attempt contact? Why the hold? What do they get out of it? 

Thanks to all. It does help to know I am not alone.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

So sorry, Bronte -- I just read this and it seemed heartbreaking to me.

Feeling better today, I hope? A little?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks, Iamaga. I do feel somewhat better today. It comes and goes. It helps that it is a holiday and that there is much to keep me occupied.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yep, he's giving you crumbs hoping in return you'll reassure him you still want him. Can't tell you how many "Are you Ok?"s I got from my cheating ex wife. 

While I can't tell you exactly when he will stop, I can tell you that he's going to pull at your heart stings for a while before turning vicious on you. Anything to manipulate you into showing him you still care through one extreme emotion or another. Once you give in and give him that deeper level of communication, he'll just ignore you until he needs his next selfish fix from you. It's sucks, but you just can't reward him with your attention until he decides to behave. 

There's nothing written in stone that says you can't talk to him if you desire to reconcile (*as friends first*). BUT first you need a lot of time to yourself to pull the singer out and nurse your wounds. You can return something like 1 text per ever 3 he gives you or some 2 texts a week with very short responses "Yeah, yes, no, ok, I guess,...". Always hours later when you could care less or a day later..... This will show him you're not needy for him anymore. BTW if you have to, throw your phone in a drawer or tape it up so it's harder to jump into responding. Ever see Fight Club? I use the way Tyler Durden only returned calls as an example for non needy communication with stbx spouses.

Wait a few months before you even consider returning any phone calls. It's far too easy to get comfortable and give in falling for those subtle manipulations.... "Love you too", "Dammit why did I say that!". Don't telecom NC until you've had a 6-8 weeks of practice and built up enough contempt for him to stop chasing after someone who mistreats you. You're going to have to reach a stage where you could care less about him as a husband but can be friendly, divorce as best friends hand in hand.

I used to take a dry erase marker to the mirror and make a list of possible topics and responses everyday while going through NC. The best technique I learned for talking to my stbxw was to pull back and treat her like sister or cousin. They know you love them, so it doesn't need to be said, but neither of you should be prying into each others worlds. To put it simply you keep the conversations small and happy and very seldom. Encourage him to be with her as much as possible and don't treat him unkindly when you're feeling bad. 

Even if you completely screw up and need a while to overcome this, you'll still have another chance so long as your last impression left a positive lasting expectation. His affair will die from natural causes faster without you, and if you can divorce as friends and walk away happy(pretending at least), you'll stand a better chance than if you constantly fight over his wants not being what you want. You only have a short time left to make a big transformation and the emotional turmoil is going be a never ending hell, but IT CAN BE DONE! 

And nevertheless need I remind you that the OW is a kiss @$$ wh*re who's not as perfect as she pretends to be and thinks she can do better as his partner. Sooner or later the sex will dry up and she'll start nagging and complaining..... If you're still in contact you can become the OW and play the very same game.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

No contact is far easier than some contact.

Oh, what did they mean by that, are they really wondering about this?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks, Nsweet. You are absolutely right and this is good advice. With everyone having such a good time around me during the Fourth, I was feeling so lonely and sad. I have to admit that I broke down last night (a full 24 hours from his text) and texted him back:

_Yes, the moon was beautiful last night. I am keeping busy. Hope you are well._

Of course, I got no response. I wish I could take it back now but I am glad it was a fairly dry text that didn't reveal too much. 

It's hard to imagine that someone with whom I shared my life and the most intimate parts of my soul would resort to such cruel behavior. Perhaps he doesn't even realize what he's doing. I suppose it's guilt. I know that he is probably rationalizing it some other way so that he doesn't feel like the bad guy.

I work two doors down from the OW. I make every effort to avoid seeing her whenever possible, but it happens from time to time. Today, on my way to my car, I noticed her car two spots from mine. I hadn't intended to look, but it was hard not to notice the single rose on her dashboard. So, when I read this:

"the OW is a kiss @$$ wh*re who's not as perfect as she pretends to be and thinks she can do better as his partner. Sooner or later the sex will dry up and she'll start nagging and complaining"

It was perfect timing. Thank you for that. Times like this, I have an overwhelming desire to call him up and let him know how hurt and angry I am. But, except for the momentary satisfaction I know it would do no good.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Bronte, I have to five you a lot of credit. You are doing so well considering the situation. Most of us, myself included, have a hard time reconciling the fact that the person who knew you so well, who you opened up to so completely, could turn away and in some cases cause harm so easily. This is the absolute hardest part for me, because it hits a nerve deep down in my most vulnerable self. I try to focus on the fact that my stbxh is damaged...broken...not irrepairable, but in a fog so thick that he can't see how own hands in front of his face. I feel pity for him sometimes, knowing that he will probably never experience real love because the moment someone shows him who he really is, and loves him anyway, he runs. Maybe yours has a fatal flaw as well?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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