# I'm back. I'm freaking out.



## C.Fry (Nov 4, 2015)

I'm an otr truck driver, and I recently discovered my wife cheating... Again. I have since filled for divorce, and have moved on... Or so I thought. I met a really awesome, beautiful, smart, compassionate, hard working independent young woman with whom I've developed feelings for, And have amazing chemistry. I didn't plan move so soon, but the feelings were mutual, and everything seemed to fall into place with little effort. Every time I've left on a long haul, we've texted everyday I was away. I send her a good morning and good night everyday. I've ordered flowers and had them delivered to her at work. And when I'm home we spend the whole time together. She cooks me dinner and breakfast. (My ex wife never did this in the 10 years we were together) i take her out when i come home. We have plans to go to six flags on the 30th. Things are great. I mean really great. She's so good to me. Makes me feel loved and appreciated. Something I haven't felt in years with my ex, if at all even. I've never been happier. She even sent me a text the other day, after I had sent her a good morning text, saying, "I've totally fallen for you." Well, I'm on a long haul right now, and a male friend of hers is visiting from out of state. I haven't met him. He's one of her oldest friends and she hasn't seen him in like 8 years. They're hanging out right now. They're going to a concert this week. It's been planned for months. I don't expect her to halt her life for me. On fact I'm being supportive, and I trust her. I told her to have a great time. But I'm freaking the f*** out. I think My ex really f***ed me up. I didn't think so, but I've never been like this. He's there for a week, and staying at her place as planned. I knew about this for weeks now, and have been supportive wishing them a good time. I didn't have a problem with the plans at all, and still don't. But for some reason, I'm trying to stay calm. I can't fall asleep. I sent her a goodnight message already. Our texts have been like normal albiet not as frequent. She's been busy driving to the airport to pick him up, then they went to dinner. She text me when she got to the airport, and again when they got back to her house. We conversed about their plans for the week. We said our "I miss yous" like normal. I'm on the east coast so it's still kind of early there. She hasn't text me since. I'm not sending anymore texts or anything. Just waiting, trying to stay calm, but I'm having really bad anxiety like I've never had before. I didn't think I would be like this. I've never been happier, and I'm 100% glad I left my cheating wife. But I'm freaking out! I don't like this version of me. Any words of advice or encouragement is appreciated


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

stay calm

Relax

You know how this goes. You know how what happens when a chick wants to be with you and when they don't.

You are just going to have to play this out and see if this new relationship grows or if you need to move on.

Think about it, you moved on from your marriage, and *if* you have to you can move on from this *new* relationship.

Ya easier said then done....but stop getting so invested with some one you just meet.

After all do you really want to get serious with someone that has a male friend...already?????

Again you will know the signs if this relationship heads south after this visit......just play it through and try not to get so invested....


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

C.Fry said:


> I'm an otr truck driver, and I recently discovered my wife cheating... Again. I have since filled for divorce, and have moved on... Or so I thought. I met a really awesome, beautiful, smart, compassionate, hard working independent young woman with whom I've developed feelings for, And have amazing chemistry. I didn't plan move so soon, but the feelings were mutual, and everything seemed to fall into place with little effort. Every time I've left on a long haul, we've texted everyday I was away. I send her a good morning and good night everyday. I've ordered flowers and had them delivered to her at work. And when I'm home we spend the whole time together. She cooks me dinner and breakfast. (My ex wife never did this in the 10 years we were together) i take her out when i come home. We have plans to go to six flags on the 30th. Things are great. I mean really great. She's so good to me. Makes me feel loved and appreciated. Something I haven't felt in years with my ex, if at all even. I've never been happier. She even sent me a text the other day, after I had sent her a good morning text, saying, "I've totally fallen for you." Well, I'm on a long haul right now, and a male friend of hers is visiting from out of state. I haven't met him. He's one of her oldest friends and she hasn't seen him in like 8 years. They're hanging out right now. They're going to a concert this week. It's been planned for months. I don't expect her to halt her life for me. On fact I'm being supportive, and I trust her. I told her to have a great time. But I'm freaking the f*** out. I think My ex really f***ed me up. I didn't think so, but I've never been like this. He's there for a week, and staying at her place as planned. I knew about this for weeks now, and have been supportive wishing them a good time. I didn't have a problem with the plans at all, and still don't. But for some reason, I'm trying to stay calm. I can't fall asleep. I sent her a goodnight message already. Our texts have been like normal albiet not as frequent. She's been busy driving to the airport to pick him up, then they went to dinner. She text me when she got to the airport, and again when they got back to her house. We conversed about their plans for the week. We said our "I miss yous" like normal. I'm on the east coast so it's still kind of early there. She hasn't text me since. I'm not sending anymore texts or anything. Just waiting, trying to stay calm, but I'm having really bad anxiety like I've never had before. I didn't think I would be like this. I've never been happier, and I'm 100% glad I left my cheating wife. But I'm freaking out! I don't like this version of me. Any words of advice or encouragement is appreciated


your feelings are understandable.
Stay calm.

when you get back you will most likely have a better read on this visit.

after you get back sit down and have a nice clam talk about your feelings she should understand.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What was the a nature of her friendship with this guy? Have you asked her? Is he an ex lover or just a friend?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Basically she is dating a guy while you are gone.

You should have never agreed to this.

Boundaries my man.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Have you two agreed to an exclusive relationship yet? 

If not and you are worried, when you get back it is probably time to have that conversation so you can set relationship boundaries. In the meantime (since you can't do anything about it anyway from so far away) don't be possessive, it makes you look weak and needy. Remember that confidence is attractive. 

If you have and you are still worried, you need to figure out how to handle it. You can't be in a committed relationship without trust. If you don't trust her because of your insecurity from your cheating XW then you are probably not healed enough yet to be in a committed relationship. If you just think she's the type of person to cheat, then you should probably end the relationship. 

FWIW my take on what you wrote is that since you aren't even divorced yet you are probably in a rebound relationship. I'm guessing you are moving way too fast and would benefit from some time alone healing from your STBXW. Your girlfriend also probably had also been planning her visit with him for far longer than you two have been together, so she deserves some slack.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you two are in a committed relationship, and I assume you are, then boundaries have to be discussed. It's particularly important that she understand how being cheated on effects your view.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel. After this week passes, you need to sort that out with her. One thing for sure, I would not feel good about him spending the night at her place. I'd not accept that going forward and probably wouldn't have accepted that to begin with.

I've got to tell you though; with the type of job you have - you may never feel comfortable no matter what. Maybe you should consider changing that.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Can't she put him up in a hotel? Things have changed since you guys hooked up. Maybe you can tell her you will pitch in for him not to sleep at her place. Does she have a guest room for him to sleep, or is he crashing on the couch? 

Either way, a hotel room would make you feel better. You probably should of given this guys "visit" a little more thought before you accepted him staying with her.

Just communicate your feelings. Stop the waiting and tell her now, but not in a controlling way. Just be honest with her and explain to her that your mind is racing due to your terrible experience with the X. She cares about you. She will understand. Stop doing the passive aggressive crap of not calling her and waiting til she calls you. Send her a text letting her know of your uneasy feelings and that for her to give you some time for you guys to talk this out.

Good luck! Either way, talking it out before it festers is better. Weak and clingy...whatever. I would feel exactly like you if Mr. B were to tell me a very good female friend of his was coming to visit and staying with him for a week. Hotel room for her for sure!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

C.Fry

Since you have filed for divorce but are still married, you are cheating on your wife, and this wonderful lady you speak of is willing to date a married man. You have become what you hated in the wife you are divorcing, a cheater. 

Frankly from what you wrote this new woman sounds like a friends with benefits kind of person who will break your heart sometime in the future. Your intuition is going off the scale now for a good reason. You were in no shape to choose a future partner with your divorce in the works. 

Tamat


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Tell her what you are feeling. Tell her you did not expect to feel this way and it has been a surprise to you.
You have not gotten over what the Ex did to you.

Just be honest. But I would wait until you get back off your trip and her friend has left. Nothing you can do about this now as it was planned for months in advance and you told her you were OK with it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Stay calm. You are just dating this woman. This is not a committed relationship. Freaking out makes you look very insecure.

You know what insecurity is.....unattractive. 

Your wife's BS is not this woman's problem. She is not your wife. But you may want to consider if you have a "type". And if this woman and your wife are both it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

It’s a little weird to have a guy you haven’t seen in 8 years come live with you for a week…I’m assuming this guy is single?

how 'young' are you guys? a 40 year old guy can afford a hotel room

does she often have people stay over? even guys without a cheating XW would have a problem with this situation. Did she seem aware that this could be viewed by you in a negative way?

There’s not much you can do, unfortunately. Could you have changed your long haul schedule or switched with someone (too late now I guess)? have a friend or PI see how they act together in public? 

With your career you're always going to be separated from a wife or girlfriend for days at a time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you talked to her about it?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> Since you have filed for divorce but are still married, *you are cheating on your wife*, and this wonderful lady you speak of is willing to date a married man. *You have become what you hated in the wife you are divorcing, a cheater.*


Oh c'mon, don't you think this is a bit harsh? 

I hardly think he's a "cheater". His STBXW broke their marriage vows long ago so there's hardly anything to "cheat" on.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Sounds like she had planned an extended 'date' type visit before the two of you got together. Since she was single it wasnt a big deal then. Problem is that now she is basically trying him out for a few days while you are gone. 

In any case, you are emotionally in way too deep too soon. It's ok though, learning experience is what a rebound relationship is for. Go back and read your post-- you are comparing this woman to your wife, only natural, but not necessary when you are actually ready for a healthy relationship; you are doing it now because you are high on love/chemicals and it is causing you to ignore any red flags and OVERSTATE the perfectness of your pseudo-relationship. 

Prepare to be hurt either now or later, and like I said, keep reminding yourself it is a learning experience. Do you REALLY want to be tied down to the FIRST woman you hooked up with after your divorce? You should try out SEVERAL and then you will start to realize you done need to latch on to everyone that shows interest in you.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> C.Fry
> 
> Since you have filed for divorce but are still married, you are cheating on your wife, and this wonderful lady you speak of is willing to date a married man. You have become what you hated in the wife you are divorcing, a cheater.
> 
> ...


This is absurd. 

When someone decides they're done, they're done, and a piece of paper is meaningless. 

I would say only that the thread starter should have waited so he could heal. But in terms of morality he's done nothing wrong.


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## ivory (Oct 23, 2015)

*chillax*

You are freaking out because you want to freak out. You wouldn't be doing that if it didn't make you feel better at some level. I know exactly what you are talking about, and if I may, let me advise you that the path you are on with these thoughts is that you are telling yourself that you would rather be hogtied than have your freedom. 

And that very well be where she is going with this. So answer this question: to you want to be hogtied to this woman? From what you have typed here, perhaps you should be shopping for a big fat diamond ring while you out. Or... perhaps not!

*****whupped truckers... man, you got it bad.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

WAY TOO EARLY FOR YOU TO DATE!!! Thats the MAIN reason you are freaking out! DUDE


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

C. Fry

Of course you are damaged, that's what infidelity does to you. But I would tell you to relax, however I doubt your career is of help to you. These feelings you have now you will have with any relationship in the future. You're jaded like I am, and that is just a little nuance from infidelity that comes along. If I see a couple walking, holding hands, looking at each other lovingly, I wonder which of them is cheating. I'm jaded, I admit it.

I think you should just ask her how good of friends they are, is there a history? If not, then keep calm, easy for me to say and hard for you to do. You say that you trust her, I doubt you would say that without really trusting her, so trust her. Upon your return let her know what's happened to you and how you feel. You might be surprised at the response to your vulnerability. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Communicate....let her know how you feel. 

I do agree with other posters, too early to enter into a serious relationship.

I hope like heck that this all turns out swell.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> C.Fry
> 
> Since you have filed for divorce but are still married, you are cheating on your wife, and this wonderful lady you speak of is willing to date a married man. You have become what you hated in the wife you are divorcing, a cheater.
> 
> ...


I disagree with the first part, agree with the second. 

He has filed for D and given the STBXWW notice that the marital relationship is terminated. So it is not cheating. 

Actually, if you want to split hairs, his STBXWW ended the marital relationship the moment she allowed another man to have sex with her. Swish.....


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry about your marriage and new gf my friend. 

First let me tell you that you never healed from the damage your ex-wife caused. Spending 10 years together is a lot. You are going to have trust issues for a long time. You should talk to someone,maybe good friend or therapist and then go to dates,just to play the filed like they say.

You are emotionally hurt and not ready for a serious relationship,sorry. Maybe it is better that way. You could spend your free time on yourself. Join some gym,find new friends,go to nice vacation or earn more money and spend it on you.

About your current girlfriend-you know there in no "true love" there yet. She is basically dating this guy while you are away on work. She is letting him stay at her house,going to concert with him and who knows what else. She didnt see him in 8 years and just like that he is living with her ccc.

What is her history with this guy ? 

Stay strong my friend.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

bandit,

You wrote, *He has filed for D and given the STBXWW notice that the marital relationship is terminated. So it is not cheating.

Actually, if you want to split hairs, his STBXWW ended the marital relationship the moment she allowed another man to have sex with her. Swish..... *

If his soon to be exW robbed a bank it would not give him cause to do so, even if you do not consider what he is doing as cheating, the girl he is with is willing to date a married man. The dating a married man raises a red flag that she could be a serial cheater, I've often seen that serial cheaters act fast when they spot a vulnerable or desirable person. 

Tamat


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

You're having a lot of anxiety and it's understandable, because of your past. It will come and go at times like this when you're worried about a woman you care about. You need to stay on your center as a man and let go of the fear and neediness you're showing, and not let yourself become weak.

The real question is has she ever slept with this old friend? If she has, I would be concerned too. It sounds like you're living with her, and you are both exclusive. Is that correct? Have you both actually agreed to be exclusive? If so, and she's slept with him before, then it was inappropriate and unfair to you to allow him to stay there. But it's too late to address that now obviously.

If she's never slept with him before and he's truly a platonic friend who she's known for many years, and she's promised to be exclusive with you, then I would trust her, unless she's ever done anything to suggest she's not trustworthy. You have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then you have to find some ways to lessen your anxiety level that don't involve constant reassurances from her. Google anxiety and find some methods that work for you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

C.Fry said:


> They're going to a concert this week. It's been planned for months. I don't expect her to halt her life for me. On fact I'm being supportive, and I trust her. I told her to have a great time. But I'm freaking the f*** out. I think My ex really f***ed me up. I didn't think so, but I've never been like this. He's there for a week, and staying at her place as planned. I knew about this for weeks now, and have been supportive wishing them a good time. I didn't have a problem with the plans at all, and still don't.


 Studies show that most dates do not involve sex, thus even if there were no sex involved (not a sure thing), what she is doing is called dating. When you are in an exclusive relationship that means that you go off the market and stop dating others. That is just part of the deal. Your "ex really f***ed" you up in that you think that you are suppose to be OK with another man dating her and staying at her place when you are out of town. 

Have you learned nothing from your failed marriage to your cheating wife? Your lack of establishing normal boundaries is part of the reason that your wife cheated on you. You are now making the same mistake with this relationship.


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## C.Fry (Nov 4, 2015)

I do stay with her when I'm not on the road. I just can't justify getting a place of my own at the moment. They've never slept with each other. He's one of her oldest friends. We are exclusive, and she's done nothing to make me not trust her, quite the opposite actually. Some of my anxiety is from feeling bad about feeling like this. I'm not being possessive or showing any weakness to her at all. Im not sending text after text until she responds. I've been supportive and wishing them a good time. She texted me last night;

"I just got back. Dinner was good. I'll be so excited if you get back early! I love that you're so sweet about all of this, my friend visiting. I hope you know I'd be the same for you. I talked a lot about you already, kind of hard not to.  if you get this I hope you have the sweetest dreams!" 

I don't believe a woman should have to drop her friends of the opposite sex just because they're dating someone. Also I should have been a little more clear on the history of our relationship. I've known her for years, and we've been friends for a while. but haven't seen each other due to my ex's family disapproval of my having her friend, because she dated my ex's cousin in highschool, which I found out later on. So I didn't just meet her only reconnected. I reconnected with a few old friends that the ex didn't like. All of which congratulated me on the divorce. The ex was very controlling, and mean to me and I was young and didn't have relationship experience. we should have never gotten married. Hind sight is 20/20 and i see that now. My grandpa actually teared up when he heard the news about the split. My whole family is super happy.. Anyway I reconnected with my old friends, her being one of them, and we just clicked. Better than my ex and I ever have. She said she's always had a thing for me but I've been off limits, so she never expressed it. So we started seeing each other romantically. I've sent flower to her at work while I was away on hauls, and we'll text everyday I'm gone. The distance and time apart seemed to bring us closer. She started opening up to me more. She's also said things like 

'I've totally fallen for you." 

And 

"you melt my heart. Why are you so amazing." 

I call her my (her name) she replies,

"Absolutely yours:two_hearts:"

She treats me so good, and I've never had that before. She tells me I work so hard and she wants to make sure I'm taken care of. And hopes to continue cooking me dinners and lunches and breakfast snacks etc... Maybe I'm just getting in my own head. I have no reason not to trust her. I swore she wouldn't pay for my ex's mistakes. I know I jumped into this relationship too quickly, but I just couldn't ignore what was happening between us. She's made me happier than I thought possible and I guess I'm just scared.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

C.Fry said:


> I'm not being possessive or showing any weakness to her at all. Im not sending text after text until she responds. I've been supportive and wishing them a good time.


 You have it backwards. Establishing relationship boundaries takes strength. Having poor relationship boundaries is being weak. 



C.Fry said:


> I love that you're so sweet about all of this, my friend visiting.


 Her texting that "I love that you're so sweet about all of this, my friend visiting", is her acknowledging that she knows that most men would not be OK with this guy staying over at her place. 



C.Fry said:


> I don't believe a woman should have to drop her friends of the opposite sex just because they're dating someone.


 There is a big difference between dropping a friendship, and not having a guy stay with her for a week while you are not in town.



C.Fry said:


> I've known her for years, and we've been friends for a while. but haven't seen each other due to my ex's family disapproval of my having her friend, because she dated my ex's cousin in highschool


 So in other words, this woman that was able to get you to so quickly fall in love with her, is someone that you tried to keep as just a friend, but your ex found a reason to not allow it. Now that you are more than just friends with this woman, it looks like your ex was right. I am guessing that the fact that you are quoting this in explaining why the other guy sleeping over at your girlfriend's house as just a friend is OK, shows that the irony of this is lost on you.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

I completely agree with *Try* look when your gut feeling is telling you something is wrong. Are you overreacting because of your past experiences maybe so. Look I would proceed with caution. Are you going to see her soon? if yes, is he going to be there.? watched her interacting together with each other. Like I said I totally agree with Try
Proceed with caution buddy listen to your gut good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Again ...I say roll with it...knowing you have been down the infidelity road before, I believe you can tell when she is done with you.
Just protect your heart. Most of us here know how phucking painfull it is when it gets ripped out.

You LHT have it harder then most cuz you guys are always gone and chicks get lonely.....just watch your 6, slow down and above all protect your heart.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

C.Fry said:


> They've never slept with each other. He's one of her oldest friends. We are exclusive, and she's done nothing to make me not trust her, quite the opposite actually. Some of my anxiety is from feeling bad about feeling like this. I'm not being possessive or showing any weakness to her at all. Im not sending text after text until she responds. I've been supportive and wishing them a good time.


I think you just need to get through these days and move forward. I disagree with the alarmists here that are calling you and her out on this. She had this plan from long ago but probably should have changed it as you started to get more serious, but what's done is done. 

It sounds to me that she's communicating all good things, and that should put your mind at ease. You just need to think about some other things during this time, think about things you want to do when you see her next time. Have fun doing something on your own while you're on the road. 

Your feelings are normal. I know what it's like to have anxiety like this. It's not easy. Put yourself back into your center as a man. Live with confidence. This relationship is going well for you, but it doesn't define you. Don't beat yourself up so much for worrying. You'll get through this and be back with her in no time. 

The most important thing is, don't put all of your happiness into one person. If you're not happy on your own, you'll never be happy long term with someone else. Focus on yourself during this time.



-


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

C.Fry said:


> I don't believe a woman should have to drop her friends of the opposite sex just because they're dating someone.


I don't necessarily think that either; because she wasn't the one that cheated on you. But there's quite a difference between not "dropping" that friend and allowing that friend to have a week long sleep over. 

What would be wrong with her telling him that she's now in a committed relationship and would think it's more appropriate for him to stay in a hotel. Even offering to help him pay for it. If he's truly just a friend, he would understand that; and if she values her relationship with you - she would too.


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## C.Fry (Nov 4, 2015)

She has a guest bedroom that's why he's staying there instead of a hotel.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just be careful man. I think it's a 50/50 chance she is sleeping with him. 

Just keep the relationship light. Stay frosty. Don't commit to her. 

It is too early for you to be committing yourself after all you have gone through.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

C.Fry said:


> She has a guest bedroom that's why he's staying there instead of a hotel.


 Just because something is convenient, does not make it the right thing to do. 

In asking you the following questions, all of the quotes that follow came from your description of your relationship with her in your first post to this thread. If your ex-wife would have been OK with your friendship with her, is that the room that she would have had you stay at if the occasion came up to do so? And if during the time that you spent there you spent "the whole time together", where she cooked you "dinner and breakfast" (something your "ex wife never did" in the 10 years together), and where you took her out to places like "six flags" or a "concert", could you not image the possibility of having discovering that against the best of intentions you had "developed feelings for" this "really awesome, beautiful, smart, compassionate, hard working independent young woman"? The truth is that if you allow yourself to in essence date others, the possible risk are real even if you are a good person.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Wow, am I the only person who likes going to things with friends. I don't see why have to make a complete pressure a-hole of a situation with someone who is so nice to him.

it's not like OP owns his companion, it he goes all paranoid possession nutso on him, if I was her I'd bail !!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Wow, am I the only person who likes going to things with friends. I don't see why have to make a complete pressure a-hole of a situation with someone who is so nice to him.
> 
> it's not like OP owns his companion, it he goes all paranoid possession nutso on him, if I was her I'd bail !!



No, WE are the possessive, controlling ones....

The OP is actually being quite understanding and acquiescent to her. 

You are absolutely right... no one owns anyone else. 

But just as he does not own her, she does not own him. He could stop taking her calls and texts today and never speak to her again. He could go dark as a B-2 bomber and she would never know what the hell happened or why he stopped talking to her. That's his prerogative.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think you are handling this admirably.

You did not expect to feel the way you do and that has you stressed.

From other posts it looks like she told you about this well in advance and you told her you did not mind. How far in advance did she tell you about it?

On more question. What is your relationship with this woman? Just dating and hanging out? Has anything been discussed about you two being exclusive or a couple? Just wondering about this. I can't tell from posts.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Also,
How young is she?
Early twenties?
What is the age difference?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

The only thing I have to add is there is a risk here of being too accepting of this and too OK with it. I am not saying this is a **** test she has set up but **** tests happen on their own without any effort. If you don't have anything to say about this, she may be wondering to what level you really care or are serious about the relationship. I think it is important to tell her how you feel but you have to balance your insecurity with a strength that is communicated by setting boundaries. Tell her what you feel and why but keep it positive. How ever it turns out, don't dwell on it. Communicate and then move on. There is nothing to be gained by grinding away at the same emotion over weeks or months. Not sure you are ready for this, but what the hell, who is ready?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have the exclusivity talk with her first. THEN, if she agrees, tell her you are not comfortable with her having male friends stay over at her house, and that you would not do that with female friends. It less to do with trust than it does with mutual respect. You and her can negotiate how the two of you hang out with opposite sex friends, but set your boundaries NOW. Just do it nicely.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Wow, am I the only person who likes going to things with friends. I don't see why have to make a complete pressure a-hole of a situation with someone who is so nice to him.


 When in an exclusive relationship, having relationship boundaries that allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), but that do not allow for these OSF (that you do not know) to sleep over at the home of your partner for a week while you are not in town, is reasonable and does not "a complete pressure a-hole of a situation" make. Being in an exclusive relationship means more than just an agreement not to have sex with anyone else. 



spotthedeaddog said:


> it's not like OP owns his companion


 Why do you think that setting relationship boundaries is ownership?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Well, if she has a guest room and they are strictly friends; then you are out of luck with moving him to a hotel so he could be more comfortable. I agree with the posters that you need to talk about exclusivity and boundaries in regards to friends of the opposite sex. 

It is a respect thing. She will understand. It looks like she wants this for long term too. Be patient and trust her as much as possible as she is not your X and she hasn't given you reason to lose trust. 

Hopefully you can sit and talk real soon. Best of luck!


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## C.Fry (Nov 4, 2015)

We talked. She was very understanding, a accommodating. She was glad I told her how i feel and ensured me that she wants me to feel comfortable telling her anything. And that future plans will be made together so we are both comfortable with the arrangement. Her friend is very polite, respectful, and genuinely enthusiastic about our relationship and her happiness within it. He's also seeing someone in Louisiana where he lives, with whom he hopes to be serious with. Thank you all for the replies. Encouragements and alarmists alike.


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## C.Fry (Nov 4, 2015)

I believe trust to be the base of any successful relationship. Without it, there's nothing. She's given me no reason to not trust her, that's one reason why I was stressing so bad. I swore she wouldn't pay for my ex's mistakes. We just have to work through the residual demons she left in her wake. And she's (gf) ready and willing to be there for me every step of the way. Thanks again, and I will take your advice and stay guarded. I feel so much better being able to get that weight of my chest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remember one thing: communication is THE most important thing in a relationship. As soon as you feel you can't tell your partner how you feel, you're on the wrong path. You should be able to tell each other anything. So keep that going.


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