# Not really infidelity?



## ohioguy1 (Sep 1, 2011)

Hi
I am new here so forgive me for not having all the abbreviations down yet!
Here is the story:
I met my now wife at a time when she was taking a job out of state. We decided we could handle a long distance dating thing so we went for it. She obviously had to make new friends in her new town, and since we work for the same company I introduced her to a female coworker that I knew before she relocated to that city also. She had a male friend that my wife became friends with also. When I was visiting we all hung out & generally got along very well. Well things happen & I took a temp assignment there also so I could be with my wife and we could end the long distance hassles. I noticed that once I arrived we didn't hang out the OM very often and only really saw him at work and when we "ran into" each out & about. Not thinking much of it at all just kind of odd considering the amount of time she spent with home before I moved. 
She had a falling out with the female coworker I introduced and they no longer talked at all. To the point of not even saying hi at work. Later I hear rumors that she had some sort of affair with the OM. she dismissed these saying the girl was starting them just to be mean to her and to cause problems in our relationship. She told mee nothing ever happened & that I knew the OM well enough to know he would not ever do anything like that. I actually agreed with her on this & moved on.
We both decide to make the move back to our original city & she continued to talk on the phone with OM text chat IM etc also. I accepted it all as "just friends" even though they only interacted when I wasn't around texts were always deleted etc. At one point I find out that they would talk for hours on the phone like if I was out with my guy friends she would spend the entire time talking 4+ hours into late night. Again I accepted it when she said "just friends". She needed a friend since she did not have many due to so much moving etc. I just state that I didn think that much phone time was appropriate. I noticed the talk time greatly decreased. Not because she shared with me but from our cell phone bill.
Jump ahead 2 years or so and the girl from the city we moved home from is moving here where we are. Rumors start again & I just dismiss them as petty women fights bitterness. Whatever.
One more year and we are getting married wife asks can OM be in wedding party I agreed. I will say she caught me one night drinking to ask & I just said yeah ok. Had I been sober I may have thought about it more since I did have doubts about the "just friends" but trusted her to tell me the truth. 
About 6 months after our wedding the OM moves here also ( we are at the company headquarters so not that unusual). We don't hang out much but he is dating someone, but texts calls IMs are still continuing between wife and him. Again I think it's ok I am paranoid it was all just unfounded rumors etc. 
Well now that you have most of the back story.
On Saturday a group of friends were all at the a wedding. OM is ther deity girlfriend who is also a mutual friend. They are not drinking and OM offers to drive our car home for us with us as passengers. I'm in the back as we start driving & look up front & notice they are holding hands! I don't say anything let it go I thought see where this leads. I am texting other friends figuring out where to go now etc. Eventually I notice they are not holding hands. Later, my phone rings and as I'm answering I notice they reach out to hold hands again. This time I say loudly " really? I'm right here". Nothing is said but they are not holding hands.
I let it go for a couple days and bring it up when we are both sober. Her response is that she has been sick over it, doesn't know why she did it etc " just to make me jealous maybe". She insists nothing ever happened between them & admits it was real poor judgement. Nothing ever happened sexually ever he is just a friend.

What do you all think? Any thoughts or ideas?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ohioguy1 said:


> Hi
> I am new here so forgive me for not having all the abbreviations down yet!
> Here is the story:
> I met my now wife at a time when she was taking a job out of state. We decided we could handle a long distance dating thing so we went for it. She obviously had to make new friends in her new town, and since we work for the same company I introduced her to a female coworker that I knew before she relocated to that city also. She had a male friend that my wife became friends with also. When I was visiting we all hung out & generally got along very well. Well things happen & I took a temp assignment there also so I could be with my wife and we could end the long distance hassles. I noticed that once I arrived we didn't hang out the OM very often and only really saw him at work and when we "ran into" each out & about. Not thinking much of it at all just kind of odd considering the amount of time she spent with home before I moved.
> ...


If that's her boundary with you right there - what's her boundary when you aren't there. I'd be beyond p!ssed with both of them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think you have more than enough grounds to 1. be suspicious and do what it takes to confirm or disprove those feelings, and 2. to be upset with your wife and explain to her that her behavior is unacceptable and must not continue.

It may be innocent but it may not. She may simply be gas lighting you (trying to convince you you're crazy or controlling) to get you to ignore that voice in your gut. Very normal behavior for a cheating spouse. You need to dig much further.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, really? The red flags are all over the place. She's pulling the wool over your eyes. If this just happened, you might want to put a keylogger on the computer, a VAR in her car and if you can get the opportunity when she's away from her phone, check the text logs. Chances are, they're talking about your reaction and they may give something up.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

i bet you one thousand dollar they already having Emotional Affair.
does she use computer to chat with him. if so, then you need keylogger to retrieve what the conversation in details. 

but you already have right to confront this ***** when she held his hands. damn, why are you so stupid looking them holding hands in front of you and not to confront right there.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Agreed. That takes a lot of balls and a lot of disrespect.


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i'm thinking it's probably not going to help him to have people he came to for support calling him stupid.
> 
> Sometimes when you're faced with something that shocks you (like your spouse holding hands with a man right in front of your face) you just lose all focus and ability to form proper course of action. The gravity of the situation doesn't hit you until later.


he said to them that he was there but not confronted them. his words "i'm right here' tells that he just gave the soft warning. WTF,
where is his gentleness.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your wife is cheating on you. You should investigate to verify this. Put a keylogger on her computer to monitor her email/IM/Facebook activity. Put a voice-activated recorder in her car to monitor her voice calls when you're not around. You may want one in your house as well to monitor calls she makes from there while you're out. You could put spyware on her phone (if she has a smart phone) to monitor calls/texts that way and even track her movements via GPS.

You need to do at least some of these to verify for yourself that she is cheating, which she obviously is. The only question is whether she is having phone sex or actual, physical sex with him. Given the amount of time they have spent together with you not around, the odds are very high that they are sleeping together. Most EAs involve distance between the two parties.

Once you have verified that she is cheating on you, you need to decide whether you want to attempt to reconcile with her or divorce. If you want to reconcile, you obviously need to cut this guy out of your lives completely and immediately. Tell your wife that a marriage is not a threesome. There is no room for this man getting in between you. If she balks, you need to be prepared to walk. If you aren't, then just accept their relationship and hope they break up eventually.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The hand holding indicates physical intimacy, which leads me to bet full on EA/PA. Especially if they're so comfortable with it they just did it unconsciously with her H in the car!!!


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

OhioGuy,

I've been in your situation before. Anytime I was away my husband would be on the phone with OW. He thought that as long as there was no sex than it was not an affair. After I came back from a 4 day business trip he admitted that he brought her over to our house, "just to look around". I guess he was afraid my 6yr old daughter would tell on him. My gut was screaming " there is something wrong here". But I wanted the comfort and security of the marriage more than the fear of loss. So I chose to believe his lies. This allowed him to get even bolder and more reckless about the affair.

Cypress


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> The hand holding indicates physical intimacy, which leads me to bet full on EA/PA. Especially if they're so comfortable with it they just did it unconsciously with her H in the car!!!


very true. maybe the OP is hypnotized by her wife so he can do nothing about their intimacy. poor him


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

OhioGuy said:


> Not really infidelity?


No, that's not really infidelity. You should wait until you see him hammering her from the back or until you actually see his junk in her mouth.

WTF!?!?!?

Yes. It's over the top, in your face confirmation of everything. Are you kidding??? Combine everything you have said, and top it off with the fact that they couldn't resist being physcially intimate with YOU IN THE CAR and you have everything you need.... Maybe a sledgehammer in the face would be more clear?

UGggggggggggggggggggggggg.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry but pretty clearly they have been having an affair for quite a long time. The hand holding like that is something that is between lovers not friends. 

You were told the truth years ago and you dismissed it. 

Now you need to put VARs in place to get those conversations when you aren't there and you need to decide how you are going to deal with the evidence they will reveal. 

To have gotten to the point where they would actually dare to connect in the front seat with you there shows they have very little respect for you. They likely both got a real thrill from doIng that at your expense along with a laugh later at your expense when they talked about it. 

There isn't a question here of if. It is a question of how often and where. 

Sorry but way too many red flags on this one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, that's not really infidelity. You should wait until you see him hammering her from the back or until you actually see his junk in her mouth.
> 
> WTF!?!?!?
> 
> ...


can you imagine what was he thinking right there ? i just do not know if this man came from earth or other planet as he did not confront the holding hands event. hufff


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Full, hardcore no contact. No texts, no phone, no seeing each other. 

I also detect no kids? You're gone if she so much as says his name out loud.

Oh, and this may sound obvious to you, but she needs to know no new boyfriends to replace him.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Ohioguy,

Some of the replies above may seem harsh but they are the truth.

Your wife is having an affair. She has probably slept with this guy. She is making it clear that she does not care if you find out.

You need to confront her, not believe a word she tells you and talk to that other friend that she said was just being petty.

A strict NO CONTACT rule needs to be applied before you can begin to figure this one out together.

If she refuses the NO CONTACT rule...then you're in for a bumpy ride if you stick around.

Make no mistake..you are sitting on the tip of an iceberg.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i feel bad for this guy. sounds like OM actively pursued wife (moving to same area,inviting himself to drive their car home) and ohioguy doesn't seem equipped with the confrontational ability to handle the situation the blunt way.
> 
> I think before he confronts her, he should lie low and gather evidence to present to her. you know she's going to deny everything unless he has proof to shove into her face.


She's gonna deny everything even if the proof is in her face is my guess.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

The rumors were very true. He was banging her then. That is most likely what caused the rift between her and your mutual female friend. You likely got sloppy seconds on your honeymoon. Hell, she had the balls to ask if he could be in your wedding party so she could sneak off and f____ him before you had a chance on your honeymoon. She had been screwing him the whole time. They are so complacent with it that they probably didn't even notice the hand holding. It is just natural to them. 

There are no kids. Skip the spy games and go directly to an attorney. You'll save yourself a lot of agony. If you feel the need to have proof, get a VAR and put it in her car and anywhere in the house she normally talks to him at. Hide one under your bed if she is ever alone there. It's highly likely she is even screwing him in your bed when you aren't there.

I know that all sounds harsh. You need to see what is right in front of your face. You'll likely do as I did and not believe it. They were all right when they told me the same type of stuff. Believe your gut.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> likely yes but it won't make him feel so crazy if he has the proof in his hands. going in without concrete proof just leaves him open for gaslighting i think.



:iagree:


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> The rumors were very true. He was banging her then. That is most likely what caused the rift between her and your mutual female friend. You likely got sloppy seconds on your honeymoon. Hell, she had the balls to ask if he could be in your wedding party so she could sneak off and f____ him before you had a chance on your honeymoon. She had been screwing him the whole time. They are so complacent with it that they probably didn't even notice the hand holding. It is just natural to them.
> 
> *There are no kids. Skip the spy games and go directly to an attorney. You'll save yourself a lot of agony. If you feel the need to have proof, get a VAR and put it in her car and anywhere in the house she normally talks to him at. Hide one under your bed if she is ever alone there. It's highly likely she is even screwing him in your bed when you aren't there.*
> 
> I know that all sounds harsh. You need to see what is right in front of your face. You'll likely do as I did and not believe it. They were all right when they told me the same type of stuff. Believe your gut.


on the bold, absolutely right.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> *There are no kids. Skip the spy games and go directly to an attorney. * You'll save yourself a lot of agony. If you feel the need to have proof, get a VAR and put it in her car and anywhere in the house she normally talks to him at. Hide one under your bed if she is ever alone there. It's highly likely she is even screwing him in your bed when you aren't there.


:iagree:

She couldn't be any less respectful of you if she tried.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Kinda confused, you stated he drove the both of you home with you 2 as passengers. I'm assuming since you're newlyweds she sat in the back with you?

You look up front and they're holding hands? So she's not sitting in the back with you but in the passenger seat next to the OM?

BTW, talk to the ex-mutual friend and get her story. Get it out of her no matter how much you have to pry it from her. Better to know now than 1 or 2 years down the road. How would you feel if she got pregnant and you'll always have to wonder is the kid mine or not for the rest of your lives as long as the OM is in the picture.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> what does your gut tell you?
> 
> seriously.
> 
> ...


Yes, really. I was expecting them to be in the back together. Not her up front with him. LOL.

And then he sees the hand holding and says nothing. Even with all of the information he was privy to.

No way that guy would have been at my wedding anyway.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> If that's her boundary with you right there - what's her boundary when you aren't there. I'd be beyond p!ssed with both of them!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:

Ding, ding ding!!!! We have a winner. Excellent point.

At her wedding no less.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> The hand holding indicates physical intimacy, which leads me to bet full on EA/PA. Especially if they're so comfortable with it they just did it unconsciously with her H in the car!!!


:iagree:

Obviously he had red flags way before marriage.

I donlt understand why he was ok with her have a very close male friend period. Bad idea. Innocent or not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I think he got skeered away by the bluntness.


Maybe, but he needed to hear it. Not the insults. But straight talk is tough love.

She was for sure being unfaithful and disresepctful. All indications she was well into the blunt areas mentioned already.

No kids? Bail out.


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## ohioguy1 (Sep 1, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> She couldn't be any less respectful of you if she tried.


Thanks for all of your comments...even the harsh ones lol! 

Let me clear up some things that have been added in replies. First OM did not offer to drive it was actually his girlfriend that presented the offer. I gave up the front seat, wife was gonna sit in back. We were both pretty wasted at the time, so the ride was a best choice to avoid a DUI accident or worse. For those of you that think I am being stupid when I said I didn't say anything the fits time I saw them holding hands it wasn't really stupidity, it was more like I was thinking if I let this go what will happen? Will they get more bold? Assume I'm passed out and do more? Will I finally get some real proof? I am also not a confrontational person at all I am the exact opposite I like to keep the peace with everyone, maybe this is a fault in this situation but not always. I am certainly not going to change a personality trait immediately. So, while I understand your thoughts and what you would have done in the situation that's just not me. I am not stupid I thought this guy was truly OUR friend so I trusted them up until Saturday. I had no real reason not to. I didn't get into it fully but the person that was said to be the rumor starter has a history of interfering with relationships of her friends or former friends as most turn out to be. I put that first post up from my phone so all this typing is a bit cumbersome with just thumbs, I just needed to get it out & get some other opinions.

All that said, I love my wife. I had no reason not to trust her when she told me things. I doubt many of you started out your relationships by not having trust. To add more to this, my wife and I were always together when we lived out of state. We only had one car, worked a few desks away from each other basically werent reall y "able" to be apart. It was three may e fours of us living in different states 1600 miles apart before OM moved here. Do I believe something physically could have happened, sure who wouldn't? Would I really like to be able to trust that nothing really did happen like she says, of course. I am not stupid, and I k ow people can create the opportunity if they really want to. I know you will believe that I am in denial or some other state when I say I don't really believe they have had physical contact. I can't prove they have, and likewise the wife can't prove they haven't. 

I would love it to be as simple as loading a keylogger or using VARs but since we are all working at the same campus it's not really a viable solution. I can't load a keylogger on work equipment. I already know that there is nothing to be found on the home computer, she isn't dumb enough to use it when we have all the necessary tools a work on machines that can't recoverthe deleted material without involving our IT Security people. In that regard I wouldn't even waste my time. I should add here that we work in the IT field so knowing how to cover our tracks etc on a computer is almost guaranteed! So no need to waste my time.

I think some of you are right, I am trying to find that smoking gun, and I'm not coming up with it. Of course she could be lying through her teeth also. I have looked at phone records and we talked previously about their level of contact and it did decline sharply even before this happened Saturday. Some months even non-existent but again I'm not stupid they could have just moved away from the phone to IMing at work. Some of you are also right in that I am opening myself up gas lighting because I have always trusted her & I want to believe her, I don't think anyone wants to believe their spouse is/was cheating at first?

When we first talked about it I did my usual and let it go. I thought about it and read these posts and confronted her again. She is fine with a no contact, actually when I showed her the 3 Things To Get Trust Back stickie she liked it. Although before she saw that all she could say was she was stupid for doing it, had no reason, swears up & down nothing has happened before etc. So part of me thinks shes making it too easy. I came here to get advice, read others experiences and to try to learn what my next steps should be. Those of you that stated "there's no kids get out now". Honestly for me kids don't matter either way for leaving or staying. I believe marriage is, or is intended to be forever. Just because we don't have kids doesn't make it any easier to just end things and move on. I thought this would be forever. I'm sure some of will say I'm dumb but it's just the way I was raised and I can't change my whole belief system especially when there is no real proof, what if for example your all wrong and it was just a mistake and nothing ever did happen? Maybe I will never know, or maybe I will come up with that smoking gun. I appreciate all of your feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

It's just that the holding hands seemed to occur naturally for them. You saw it once. Then, they weren't holding hands. Then, they were again. If that was the first physical contact, it probably would have been somewhat awkward for them. It seemed to be quite natural from the way you described it. That alone seems to indicate at least that has happened more than once. Probably more. I'd like to think we are all wrong. However, we have all seen the red flags too many times in our own lives and others. I know what it's like to love your wife and not want to believe she is having an affair. To want to believe the "we're just friends" story. 

I'm afraid you have just entered our long, painful roller coaster ride. We usually pick folks up in the state of denial. On this ride, you will see discovery of more than you want to know, trickle truth, gaslighting, more denial, anger, bitterness, sadness, pain that you can't imagine at this point in time, and some sun-filled days way up ahead in the distance. Later on, the lows get lower and the highs get higher, but that is far down the road from the state of denial. Buckle up, it's a bumpy ride.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

ohioguy1 said:


> Thanks for all of your comments...even the harsh ones lol!
> 
> Let me clear up some things that have been added in replies. First OM did not offer to drive it was actually his girlfriend that presented the offer. I gave up the front seat, wife was gonna sit in back. We were both pretty wasted at the time, so the ride was a best choice to avoid a DUI accident or worse. For those of you that think I am being stupid when I said I didn't say anything the fits time I saw them holding hands it wasn't really stupidity, it was more like I was thinking if I let this go what will happen? Will they get more bold? Assume I'm passed out and do more? Will I finally get some real proof? I am also not a confrontational person at all I am the exact opposite I like to keep the peace with everyone, maybe this is a fault in this situation but not always. I am certainly not going to change a personality trait immediately. So, while I understand your thoughts and what you would have done in the situation that's just not me. I am not stupid I thought this guy was truly OUR friend so I trusted them up until Saturday. I had no real reason not to. I didn't get into it fully but the person that was said to be the rumor starter has a history of interfering with relationships of her friends or former friends as most turn out to be. I put that first post up from my phone so all this typing is a bit cumbersome with just thumbs, I just needed to get it out & get some other opinions.
> 
> ...


Ohioguy,

The people on this forum are only trying to protect you from...well..yourself.

You are right when you say "no one wants to believe that their spouse has cheated on them." 

I would bet that most of the people on this forum are all guilty of trusting when the truth was right in their face. They probably regard this as one of their biggest mistakes when the sh_t hit the fan in their own homes. I know I do. The folks here are trying to protect you. One thing is for certain, "if it walks like a duck..then it's a duck"

You talk about the "smoking gun"...you had that shown to you in the car ride that night.

Now as far as the not having kids thing. I agree with you...it shouldn't matter. This shows me that you meant the vows you said on your wedding day. GOOD! Just make sure you take the next necessary steps to preserve and repair the marriage.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, I don't know...something isn't right here....she held his hand to make you jealous....but, they thought you were sleeping...why didn't he pull away when she grabbed his hand? Wouldn't that be awkward especially with the husband in the car?

okay, for sake of arguement, lets say it isn't a PA/ it could certainly be a EA which is just as bad in my book.

Watch your back dude! If everything was alright in your gut. You wouldn't have posted here in the first place.

Always trust your gut.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Always trust your gut.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I went the VAR route, among other surveillance devices. Did they find anything? Every time. Did they tell me anything I didn't already know in my gut? No. Every time my gut said they were talking again (or still talking), the surveillance confirmed it in short order. Your gut is right. If you need outside "proof" in order for you to believe that, go waste some time, money and effort to get what you need. Later on, you'll realize that your gut never lies.

Well, actually, my gut has lied on several occassions on blackjack, craps, rhoullette, slots, etc. lol But involving infidelity, it was dead on target.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ohio - let me first tell you that my wayward wife also had a very long term platonic relationship with a male friend. She knew him a couple of years already before meeting me. They never dated, kissed, anything. But they stayed friends even after we got married, after we had kids, etc. 

Then, many, many years later, when things weren't going well at home, she fell in love with him. They never consummated it because I caught this very early on, and we are working hard at reconciliation.

But all those years, I felt forced to "be cool" with their friendship, even though he never married. They only saw each other 2-3 times a year. He became my friend too. Yada Yada. None of that f*cking matters. There were a couple of times during our marriage that I felt "yucky" about their friendship and letting them continue it, but I always stopped myself because who am I to tell her to drop a friend she's had since before me?

And I got burned.

INSIST on no further contact between them. Ever. Even if that means she has to quit her job. Or else you are likely doomed.

Agree that their comfort with hand holding is very, very disturbing. To me, that tells me they are so comfortable physically, that if they didn't have full on rabid sex back then, they've at least gone to 3rd base, minimum. Here comes the Trickle Truth. She will slowly admit to a little bit more over time, to ease you into the full pain. I'm sorry to say this, but I'd be shocked if this didn't happen.


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## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Holding hands whether in front of you or behind your back is wrong, wrong, wrong. Totally outside the "just friends" boundary. Like somebody else already said, you have every right to not trust her. And she knows it since she says she feels bad about it. Demand to read all the communications between the two of them that have not been deleted. If there is nothing to hide, why delete the texts. Tell her she can no longer delete any texts and that you can and will read them if you feel like you need to. You have every right to ask her for no further communication between the two of them, since they have proven that this so called "friendship" can go to another level. If she disagrees with this, you have a problem. If you're not in total pain now, trust me, the pain will come and more distrust. You will never be sure nothing else happened, so I hope you won't be like me and slowly but surely realize you just can't get it out of your mind. Then the pain begins.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> Ohio - let me first tell you that my wayward wife also had a very long term platonic relationship with a male friend. She knew him a couple of years already before meeting me. They never dated, kissed, anything. But they stayed friends even after we got married, after we had kids, etc.
> 
> Then, many, many years later, when things weren't going well at home, she fell in love with him.
> 
> ...


Ditto. Almost identical story here.

Took me almost 2 years of mentally sifting through various denials, and intense gaslighting to catch my incredibly innocent, catholic school raised, kindergarten teacher wife in her lies and expose the truth I never believed was even remotely possible.

I didn't listen to my gut, or I should say I fought my gut... and I never had someone smack me in the face with the 2x4 of reality or the benefit of clarity that your hand holding incident should have given you....

Now, Im a single dad and my 3 year old is being raised in a broken home. By the time I acted too much damage was done, it spread to far & went to deep.

A accurate analogy...

"If detected early enough, and with proper treatment full recovery is possible"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ohioguy1 said:


> Let me clear up some things that have been added in replies. First OM did not offer to drive it was actually *his girlfriend* that presented the offer. *I gave up the front seat, wife was gonna sit in back.* We were both pretty wasted at the time, so the ride was a best choice to avoid a DUI accident or worse.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Still very suspect. You just got married. Dude is driving. Newlyweds in the back seat together would make the most sense.
Really.

Where was the girl friend?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Ohio, your wife mind has stepped out of your marriage.

If by some force, you were able to get her back, she'll never be the same again. She will always be thinking about the boyfriend, especially when times between the two of you get tough. That will be her escape route (mentally). Dont know if you could ever reprogram her head to not think about the OM.

I dont know why you would want to continue to live like that.

If you dont have kids and no real joint assets built up, the only thing holding you to your wife is yourself, your emotions. Even then, one day you will start questioning why you continued in a relationship when your wife has shown she does not love or respect you, and can not be trusted. 

Your wife's moral boundary is weak. Somehow she never learnt enough self-respect to shore up her values.

Life with someone like that will certainly be interesting.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Dude, I don't know...something isn't right here....she held his hand to make you jealous....but, they thought you were sleeping...why didn't he pull away when she grabbed his hand? Wouldn't that be awkward especially with the husband in the car?
> 
> okay, for sake of arguement, lets say it isn't a PA/ it could certainly be a EA which is just as bad in my book.
> 
> ...


And why would she try to make him jealous on their wedding day!?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Ohioguy, I am also in ohio and you have my sympathies. 

Now, here it is. Man, You KNOW this isn't right. You have KNOWN it was not right when it was happening (hand holding) and you KNOW NOW it is not right. This forum is insanely full of stories of those who knew something was wrong, dug and dug and dug for the truth and were devastated when the found it. 

Save yourself the pain and lay down the law of no contact...period for her and the OM or move on with your life and find a good spouse.

Q~


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

guys ... he has explained his reason. we gave him advice but he defends his wife. let him go with his choice by trusting the wife. whatever happen to his family or relationship with his wife, let him
carry them as we have given our advice but he would not take our advice and keep telling that her wife is very trustable person.

if something bad happen with his marriage, no it is not our business anymore. and i guess he does not need our advices.

let him carry it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry my friend but you are in denial. For her to do this a couple of times and so naturally with him indicates that this was not the first time. The fact that she did this in the car with you in the back seat indicates that the both of them were getting a thrill doing it in front of you.

Your wife is in total damage control. They probably have taken it underground. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think that she would be so accepting as you have been? You can guarantee that there is more to this story and their relationship.

You must inform his girlfriend of what happened. I seriously think you would have to be a fool to believe her story. They were both getting a thrill out of the danger part with you in the car. It seems pretty obvious. I feel sorry for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Most of us are here b/c of our blind trust we had for our spouses. Some of us took longer to come around and it will get to a point when deneil is replaced with a uncontrolable need to investigate our spouses commitment in our marriages.

Its all a process, and for some it just takes a certain amount of time with lack of affection and an emotional distance that a cheating spouse does to make us as LS to make the effort to *look* instaed of making excuses not to.

It may not happen now for Ohioguy it just a matter of time, just like in my case you can only carpet sweep for so long until something gives.

Hell I swept my unhealthy marriage and my WW bad behavior under the rug for 13 years of a 20 year marriage. I finaly dealt with it 18 month ago.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

At the risk of sounding harsh, your wife is cheating on you and you are allowing it to happen. NC at once if you want to save your marriage. Read up on 180, manning up. My guess is that she is covering her tracks now. Get VAR, keylogger, PI if necessary. Do not be a door mat, or she will not respect you and you will not respect yourself.


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