# Sexless....



## Lonely&Tired (Oct 1, 2010)

Hi. My wife and i havent been intimate for about 8 months. Everytime i bring up the subject its a different excuse but i just feel the underlying problem is that she has no passion for me as a man and has no passion for the marriage as well. She refuses to go to a therapist and has just picked up one addiction after the other i think to try and escape the depression she is in. I dont know what to do...because everytime i talk to her about it she makes me sound like im some kind of sleaze for wanting sex. And its not just sex i crave. Intimacy...passion or just sharing that close bond two people share when they put away the cell phone, put away the remote...facebook and all the other distractions and spend some quality time together. I just feel she is trying to escape her life with me. Advice? Please...id really like some outside thoughts on this.


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## Mulan4Peace (Oct 1, 2010)

Let her know that you have your needs and if it cannot be met, you will be persuing other venue. Life is way too short to not be happy and enjoy life. If she is unhappy w/ you then say it and you will move on to others that will be happy with you. Have you upset her b4, like affairs, porn? Women can be very sensitive and holds grudge at times. 

I remembered a while back when my husband would be playing computer game the minute he gets home. He would neglect me all that time, till night time. When it gets to 11pm at night, I would just go to sleep and completely ignore him. Even though he might want it, I would pretend that I'm asleep. And this went on for months. Till he finally get it and got off the game like around 9, hung out a little and watched a movie here and there. Hope I help you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

yeah, you need to back off and find some other things to do that dont involve her. im not talking about another woman because i personally dont believe in doing that while married, no matter how miserable. but get into a hobby and back away from her and see what happens


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I would tell her that you are going to a marriage counselor/therapist and that she is welcome to come but if she isn't interested that you will go alone.

This send a message that your marriage is important enough to seek help.

Seeing a marriage counselor or therapist will give you (a) the ability to live with the situation as is, (b) the tools to change it for the better or (c) the ability to move on without her.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 

See responses below yours sharing... 

Hi. My wife and i havent been intimate for about 8 months. 

Judith: Sounds like trauma in her past. Have you thought about just doing nonsexual affection for now. The key is that women are reach by touch and she may not realize that she needs to heal mentally and emotionally. In time very soon she will be open to sexual touch. 

Everytime i bring up the subject its a different excuse but i just feel the underlying problem is that she has no passion for me as a man and has no passion for the marriage as well. 

Judith; Depression can eliminate the thought process when it comes to wanting sex. I am sorry your hurting. She may not understand mens needs and why they want sex with their wife. IT is vital that you find a time when she is not struggling and let her know what you need-Use I words and sentences. 

She refuses to go to a therapist and has just picked up one addiction after the other i think to try and escape the depression she is in. I dont know what to do.

Judith; What is the depression come from -Sounds like trauma in the past. 

..because everytime i talk to her about it she makes me sound like im some kind of sleaze for wanting sex. 

Juidht; IT is hard for a man not to take it personally becuase he feels sex as a thing from his own body. He relates physically and she may not realize that. I 

And its not just sex i crave. Intimacy...passion or just sharing that close bond two people share when they put away the cell phone, put away the remote...facebook and all the other distractions and spend some quality time together.

Judith: Another father, I am sharing things with-has started with nonsexual touch at nite before bed and it has helped open the door for sexual touch unknown beknownst to him surprise him. 

I just feel she is trying to escape her life with me. Advice? 

Judith: She is either trying to escape the pain of hte past or some present thing that she hasn't verbalized to you. 


Please...id really like some outside thoughts on this. 

Judith; I know your hurting but dont give up. See if she will go to counseling with you -for her but she wont know that. It is a thought? 

Does she have trauma in her past? 

Judith


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Sexless marriage?

Asking your woman for sex and being refused?

Your woman acting miserable and seeking help with despression medication?

Resentment piling on top of resentment?


Here are some threads to start to understand these things, and what the good man needs to do to fix them:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/16221-how-about-them-apples.html


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## overloaded (Oct 2, 2010)

my girl friend has the same problem but other way around. she couldn't get her husband to have sex. she just hit her prime and he is not responsive to her. she is beautiful and great. he is too, but not interested in it at all. he suffers a bit of depression and because of the drugs, he doesn't feel the need or want sex. she has even talked about divorce. i check in with her time to time and says nothing she does is helping. she gets approached by other men all the time. so, it's not that she isn't sexy but he thinks everything is good and is happy without sex. now mind you they are only 40. 

how is your marriage besides the sex issue?

sorry, i don't know if this helps but i just wanted to comment on it. 

hang in there, i'm sure things will work out. but, it's yourwife that needs to want to fix it. maybe she can talk to other women about her issue.

good luck.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

Here is some titles that deal with emotional issues that relate to sex both for the male and female

He is Not Up To It Anymore?, Why Men Fall Out of Love? 
I rather EAt Choc than Have Sex? for women

These talk about issues that have nothing to do with medical etc. 

Judith


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Sex is not the only way to have intimacy and passion in your relationship. She isn't into sex, so what other ways could your needs be met? Think about some sort of compromise.


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## Lonely&Tired (Oct 1, 2010)

She spends most of her time in the bedroom just being by herself...and everytime i try to kiss her its like kissing a rock...cold and lifeless. Seams to have more passion for the kids then she does me...and i understand that. And yet....if she isnt in love with me, has no passion for me i just wish she would come out and say it....rather then telling me every so often how great i am like its a pre-recorded message.


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## BlueMoon21 (Oct 8, 2010)

Lonely&Tired, she is DEPRESSED, she is WEARY, she is MISERABLE. She is overwhelmed by the simple idea of making a meal, getting dressed, waking up. She feels ugly, undesirable, unhappy, and hopeless. The signs are THERE--right in front of you. Gently, so very gently and with the best of intentions I say to you, make this more about HER. 
The kids, they are a distraction, probably the only distraction from her ever-present feeling of despair. She wants to be normal. She wants to be happy. She wants you to be happy, and she feels tremendous, weighty, self-depricating guilt because she knows she isn't making you happy, and despite the fact that she so desperately wants to do something about that, she cannot possibly even begin to know where to start, given the fact that most days I'd guarantee you that for her, taking a shower is like running a 35 mile marathon in cement shoes. She won't tell you these things because she feels like a failure, like your marriage problems are all her fault, and she's more than likely waiting for you to leave her, and feeling like she deserves it. Those commercials are right--DEPRESSION HURTS--EVERYONE--but especially the person who is directly suffering and has to deal with the daily realization that those she loves and wants to please are suffering right along with her--at her hands, or so she thinks.
What can be done? Well, I'll tell you what DOESN'T work--coming home from work and cleaning up the house with an attitude, snyde comments about sexual disinterest, drinking, little 'jokes' in front of friends and family, sarcasm and the like...
WHAT ALSO DOESN'T WORK: Pretending you 'support' efforts to make improvements with lip service while she does all the heavy-lifting alone (kind of like how you dislike being told every so often how great you are like it's a pre-recorded message). This makes the often-excruciating effort it takes to try to get help seem worthless and small, because the feeling of being an 'island to yourself' destroys any motivation.
In short--you are dealing with a woman who is suffering a great deal, and if you still care anything about her, your marriage and your children's relationship with their mother and your family, you will do whatever it takes to see to it that she gets the help she needs. I'm not saying your feelings are not valid or important--THEY ARE--I'm just letting you know that her emotional crisis is an urgent priority.
I hope this helps--I'm speaking from my very own experience.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

You took my name... Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Lonely&Tired said:


> She spends most of her time in the bedroom just being by herself...and everytime i try to kiss her its like kissing a rock...cold and lifeless. Seams to have more passion for the kids then she does me...and i understand that. And yet....if she isnt in love with me, has no passion for me i just wish she would come out and say it....rather then telling me every so often how great i am like its a pre-recorded message.


1st, try to take over and settle ur kids, give her more breathing space, let her have more time to rest n relax. take away her stress and things should start being better


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi lonely and tired

Is she open to nonsexual touch at all? If not and if so. That can start the ball rolling again. You need and she needs it -I would start with taht and not pursue sex for while -if she is open to sexual touch-do that but dont anticipate sexual intercourse. That can help get the ball arolling again. Also do you do any nonsexual touch througout the day. Do you communicate with her at some point in the day. For some reason women need a man to help with the housework etc and that turns them on for sex as well. Do you write love notes and date once a week to talk to her about things. Since she is working if she is working-she needs the time to transition from her work life etc to being a sexy person who wants sex. 

YOu both need to talk about sex as well as the nonsexual stuff. It helps tremendously to keep you both on the same page. etc

Judith


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> Sex is not the only way to have intimacy and passion in your relationship. She isn't into sex, so what other ways could your needs be met? Think about some sort of compromise.


This is not true for men - sex it is the main was a man expresses love in a loving relationship and feels loved. Many, but not all, woman can cuddle and converse with their husbands and feel close and connected. Most men cannot feel close to their wives by just hugs and kisses. 

For a man who falls in love and commits to a woman, sex becomes the language that he speaks of his love and the way he feels loved. If a much loved woman refuses to have sex at frequent enough intervals the man losses the feeling of emotional closeness, feels that his wife does not love him, that he is unattractive to her. All of the feelings that expressed here are the normal feelings that arise. 

Woman don't understand the change in the role of sex when a man is in love. He can't separate the feelings of love from the desire to have sex with the woman he loves. 

Women I think, understand just one dimension of male sexuality, sex means nothing to a man, it's a mechanical release, he can have sex and feel no love. That is true, when he is not in love. With love, that changes, sex becomes emotionally meaningful. It's the way he feels loved and connected. If he does not have sex with his wife, he may become depressed and feel alone. 

Marital sex is vital to a man just like physical affection, emotional closeness, and communication are vital for a woman. Men and woman do not understand each other and that leads to so much heartache. I think men find it difficult to express exactly how they feel about sex and love and society does not support these deep feelings. But society does advance the cold and disconnected notion of male sexuality. 

In my opinion sex education should be revamped, instead of the sperm and the egg the nuances of sex in relationship should be discussed, It is terrible how ill equipped we are when we enter a relationship. 

I was totally ignorant about this until I began to read to try to understand and solve the problems in my relationship. 

LT - you are not a pervert for wanting to have sex with the woman you love. Do you think reading books on male sexuality would help you to understand yourself and also a book about relationships to understand your wife. I think if you are convinced that you feelings are normal you will be able to talk to your wife and not feel that you are asking too much of her. She must understand that your desire for sex is not a perversion. You may also be able to express your feelings with more assurance. Do you think you can get her to read some books?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi lonely and tired

For both of you to rebuild trust and so on-you both need to talk about it -for her even though she trust you etc -it is vital tahtyou both talk about what is happening and maybe due to something -she may need and you need to rebuild trust. Sometimes women dont understand the value of the connection as well as-she may be hurting and dont know how to approach you about it. When there has been a lack of sex for while shame and depending on age sometimes it takes for both couples to rebuilt trust and can't think of the other word. It is vital for woman to have you start with nonsexual touch again especially when you both are strugging with trust etc. 

I care about you both and how are you doing...lonely..-and her-sex is vital for you both to work it out. Psychologically as well physical. Women sometimes need testosterone if that is a factor.


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