# 8 times in two years



## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Hi,

I am in an unhappy marriage. I would have left a while ago if I had the guts. We have a lot of issues. Like: overbearing mother-in-law, communication issues, nosy and competitive family members that cause fights between us. An ex that broke my heart.

Anyways, that will be too long to talk about all of that. The main issue is that we don't have sex. We had sex about 8 times in the last two years.

My husband didn't initialize sex in over two years. He says he's tired and doesn't feel like it most of the times. He says it's normal and that I just don't understand because he works too much. ( he has an office job 9-5). Sometimes he has reports to submit so he does a little more work when he comes home and on weekends.

He plays chess online all the time. For that apparently he does have time. Everyday when he comes home and over the weekend. I'm in my mid 20's, no kids.

I asked him a lot of times what is the problem. He said it's not me, that he's attracted to me. But simply is TIRED and that I just don't understand. 

Is this normal? I really resent him for all the times he rejected me and never initialized sex


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No! Not normal. He's in his 20's?

How often do you initiate sex?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Seems like you have a lot of stress from your family, is he feeling the effects of that? I know how it feels to not have sex often. I am dealing with the same thing. My H says the same he is tried. 

Have you talked to him about it and told him how you feel? Maybe if he understood it would help things move along

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No! Not normal. He's in his 20's?
> 
> How often do you initiate sex?


I'm the only one that ever tries. I guess every two months or so now. I got tired of asking. He's in his mid 30's


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No! Not normal. He's in his 20's?
> 
> How often do you initiate sex?





imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Seems like you have a lot of stress from your family, is he feeling the effects of that? I know how it feels to not have sex often. I am dealing with the same thing. My H says the same he is tried.
> 
> Have you talked to him about it and told him how you feel? Maybe if he understood it would help things move along
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


So you understand how I feel . I did talked to him about it a couple of times. I asked him what is the problem. He said that he's really tired and that he'll try to do better. Nothing changed though. I guess he feels the family issues also.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Life is stressful...PERIOD! You want to spend the rest of your life with someone in constant shut down mode?

Frankly, if you were my daughter, and I do have a daughter your age, I'd beg you to get out now and not to look back.

Mid 30's is waaaaay way too young to be enduring sexlessness due to stress. I think the "stress" excuse is a pile of horse dung any way.

Does he watch porn a lot?
Does he masturbate a lot?
Is he having an affair?

Check his email, PC history and cell phone. Look for porn and emails/texts to other women. Check to see how often he deletes text messages.

Is he depressed?
Does he have a history of being abused?
Is he addicted to anything?

The state of a persons mental health plays a huge role in their sexuality and ability to be both emotionally and physically intimate.

Do you get the feeling his distance from you is because he just not into you? Do you guys ever spend quality time together?


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Life is stressful...PERIOD! You want to spend the rest of your life with someone in constant shut down mode?
> 
> Frankly, if you were my daughter, and I do have a daughter your age, I'd beg you to get out now and not to look back.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. I did started to think that way. I checked phone nothing, computer. I don't know, he plays chess all the time. I can see it's chess. About masturbating, suspected that, but yes we are together most of the time. I really don't see when he has the time to cheat or do other stuff. 

We do spend most of our time together which makes it even stranger. I offered to separate, but he said he loves me and wants to try to work things out. 

I just can't seem to understand how he can't have a sex drive at all. He does have some history of minor depression.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Seems like you have a lot of stress from your family, is he feeling the effects of that? I know how it feels to not have sex often. I am dealing with the same thing. My H says the same he is tried.
> 
> Have you talked to him about it and told him how you feel? Maybe if he understood it would help things move along
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


So you understand. I did talk to him about this a lot of times, he said he'll try to have more sex. But honestly, nothing ever changes. It's like he never needs any sex, which I don't understand how is possible. Aren't guys supposed to want sex more?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If he is currently taking depression meds, this could be the culprit.

If not, time to get him to the docs to check his testosterone levels. Once that's back on to therapy so he can address his emotional intimacy problem. If he refuses either of these steps, leave. He can't fix this alone and this is not something easily fixed so any hesitation TO fix it means he is happy living a broken life than doing the hard work to live a fulfilled life.

Sorry, wish there was better news.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Not normal. 
I'm 31 and had a couple month fling after divorcing my wife with no action for over a year and I own multiple businesses and sleep little and am very active physically. I'm never to tired for a quicky.
She came out of a bad relationship and told me I wore her out cause IF it happened with him it was 4-5 minutes compared to our 40+minutes. 
Just goes to show different folks different strokes no big deal, you can't make a square fit in a circle and a circle doesn't feel right in a square. Find your fit.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Talk with him tell him how seriously this is effecting your marriage. If he still refuses to listen
and keeps talking about he's just tired, present him separation/divorce papers and if he ask why
just tell him you"re "tired" of trying. You are to young to be stuck in this type of marriage with these
issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Op this must be a terrible way to live especially when you're both still so young and childfree!

Was he ever really sexual? 

Is he physically affectionate?

Is he healthy?
Both physically and emotionally?

I would be very proactive about this...the longer no sex goes on the harder it is to reignite.

PS: in nearly 27 years my husband has never been too tired for sex I don't think....he's 50 now. He says he'd still crawl over broken glass for a shag no matter how tired his was. 
Don't accept this..."it's normal!"
It's not.
It's also sure isn't normal and happiness inducing for a healthy woman like you to to not be getting any loving!


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Life is stressful...PERIOD! You want to spend the rest of your life with someone in constant shut down mode?
> 
> Frankly, if you were my daughter, and I do have a daughter your age, I'd beg you to get out now and not to look back.
> 
> ...


and does he know you are still pining for the ex that broke your heart? Knowing that might make him not all that enthusiastic to be into sex with you? Have to ask..


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> Talk with him tell him how seriously this is effecting your marriage. If he still refuses to listen
> and keeps talking about he's just tired, present him separation/divorce papers and if he ask why
> just tell him you"re "tired" of trying. You are to young to be stuck in this type of marriage with these
> issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm getting really tired of this. He always says he'll change but he never does. "tired" of trying is correct. Even on the rare occasions we have sex, it doesn't feel good. I feel like a charity case.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Op this must be a terrible way to live especially when you're both still so young and childfree!
> 
> Was he ever really sexual?
> 
> ...


You are so lucky  yes, I suspect it's normal from everything I read online. It became so bad, that I even talked to my parents about it. So embarrassing! They said it's not and if it doesn't change I should leave. We had normal amount of sex for about 2 1/2 years, then is started to be less and less.

He's pretty healthy.But, he is a heavy smoker and a complainer. He always complains about everything and stresses out. He wasn't like this for the first two years, than he started to change more.

He's not that physically affectionate. He kisses and hugs once in a while, that's about it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Aw hun... I'm so glad you were able to talk to your Mum and Dad.... embarrassing yes but they would only want for you to be happy and loved and cherished and knowing you have their informed support must help at least somewhat.

I don't like ultimations usually but whether it's a man or a woman I say don't put up with a sexless marriage. He has the choice to at least work at becoming the loving husband you deserve ...or not.

He may change... but it seems change is usually short lived in these situations.

I'm 46 and still have a good sex drive...how your living would slowly kill me i'm sure...it must be soul destroying to be rejected by the one you love.

I wish you all the best.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> If he is currently taking depression meds, this could be the culprit.
> 
> If not, time to get him to the docs to check his testosterone levels. Once that's back on to therapy so he can address his emotional intimacy problem. If he refuses either of these steps, leave. He can't fix this alone and this is not something easily fixed so any hesitation TO fix it means he is happy living a broken life than doing the hard work to live a fulfilled life.
> 
> Sorry, wish there was better news.


Yep, I'm trying to convince him to go. He said he would. But didn't go yet. Thanks for advice!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Which is it? Trying to convince him to go or trying to convince yourself to leave because he's not going?

You've already talked to real life people who gave you the same advice everyone here did. 

The best way to light that fire is to strike the match yourself. See a lawyer and tell him you want a divorce. Then move out. It takes a while to actually get a divorce and during that time he can either get healthy, so you two can get back together, or you get healthy during the separation and find a real man.


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## Bliss200 (Nov 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Which is it? Trying to convince him to go or trying to convince yourself to leave because he's not going?
> 
> You've already talked to real life people who gave you the same advice everyone here did.
> 
> The best way to light that fire is to strike the match yourself. See a lawyer and tell him you want a divorce. Then move out. It takes a while to actually get a divorce and during that time he can either get healthy, so you two can get back together, or you get healthy during the separation and find a real man.


I would like to make it better if possible. I had a very passionate relationship before him with great sex but very on-off and lack of stability and commitment from my ex. Here I have the stability and commitment but the lack of sex. Maybe if I didn't go through my previous relationship I wouldn't be afraid to leave as much. I would like my husband to change.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bliss200 said:


> I would like to make it better if possible. I had a very passionate relationship before him with great sex but very on-off and lack of stability and commitment from my ex. Here I have the stability and commitment but the lack of sex. *Maybe if I didn't go through my previous relationship I wouldn't be afraid to leave as much. I would like my husband to change.*


Or....

Maybe the first ex was to show you passion.
Present H, soon to be ex, was to show you stability.
Third times a charm they say....


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

We can all make time for things that are important to us. You can't tell me that every single day for 2 months he's too tired for intimacy. That is a poor excuse at best. 

You are so young! Young enough to leave and have time to make up for all the sex you have been missing. 

Judging from my TAM education of the past few months - it's quite rare that a spouse will change for good. They might be able to up their game for a little while if threatened, but eventually it seems to return to the baseline.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Bliss200 said:


> I asked him a lot of times what is the problem. He said it's not me, that he's attracted to me. But simply is TIRED and that I just don't understand.
> 
> Is this normal? I really resent him for all the times he rejected me and never initialized sex



I will give you another perspective to consider. If he is asexual or even gay, then yes, his behavior is perfectly normal. However, if either of those are the case he should have been honest with you (and himself) about it instead of using the constant excuse of being tired all the time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

dontbeused said:


> and does he know you are still pining for the ex that broke your heart? Knowing that might make him not all that enthusiastic to be into sex with you? Have to ask..


:scratchhead:

Assuming you were referring to the OP...if my husband ignored me the way OP's husband did, pining away for anyone would be my daily routine. Just saying...


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

First, have his T levels checked
Second, smoking can greatly affects one's energy levels and sex drive. The two are related. 
Third, what attracted him to you in the beginning?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is he gay? Does he have a lover?

My ex and I were together a long time. He wanted to bang just as much as he did the first day as he did even after our divorce. So methinks this isn't normal. (Or, it wouldn't be for me). My ex used to get upset if we didn't at minimum 2x a week. And I mean, ANGRY.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Doesn't sound healthy for a man that young not to want to have sex. My SO is 67 years old and we have sex 3-5 times a week. He needs to have a check-up for sure.


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