# I had EA - Exposed but I'm over it.



## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

I had a basic EA. Text and Photos exchanged. Nothing physical. I was temped but could not let it go there. Not even terribly emotional on my side. I was more intriqued than anything.

Wife found out. I was open, honest about everything. Gave her accesss to everything. Cut all contact and happy to do so. I was simply lonely because wife and I had been having difficulties.

I am committed to wife. She is obviously distraught.

So it's been a couple weeks. She has stated she wants to stay together and we will make it work. I have been attentive, affectionate and really being around for her. She's talking and being somewhat affectionate here and there but will not let me touch her intimately in any way. The lack of this part of our marriage is a large contributing factor of how we got here to begin with.

Anyways.... what's reasonable here? How long should I expect it to take for us to get some normalcy back in our relationship. For her to come to me and initiate affection as I am? For us to resume sexual relations? I know there will be triggers..... but it's been a couple weeks thus far and we feel like really nice roommates. What should I expect here...... I just want to start reaffirming and showing my love for her and hopefully have that reciprocated. I can't even initiate because she stops me if I try and touch her at all. The brow beats me if I try and discuss it.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Honestly years maybe


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Theres no such thing about a basic EA, and you don't know where it would've led. 

Don't talk as if you grew conscience and put an end to it and confessed. 

Your wife had to snoop and find out. 

Check your ego at the door because you come off as really obnoxious after getting a 2nd chance and getting grumpy cause your wife wouldn't want to be intimate with someone getting pics from other women. 

If you want to 'show your love' then do some research on what a betrayed spouse needs after an affair, do it, and give her all the time she needs.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

You cheated on your wife. And as long as you keep the "get over it already" attitude, you're not going to get anywhere.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Whatever you do, do NOT downplay the affair. Don't blame your wife for your straying. You made the choice. T2 is partially right. It can take 2-5 years to get past an affair. Ad for the sex... Dude, it's only been 2 weeks and you're trying to put the blame on her already? "The lack of this part of our marriage is a large contributing factor of how we got here to begin with." No, do NOT throw that as the EXCUSE for cheating on your wife. You cheated because you had poor boundaries and selfishly thought only of yourself.

Now, how did she find out about it? That's going to affect how she treats you as well. What has she read/heard/seen about your affair?

ETA: It doesn't matter if YOU are over it (which I HIGHLY doubt you are over it already), SHE is not. She JUST found out. My husband was in the very beginning of and it took me a couple MONTHS before I started to NOT see those texts in my mind all the time. I still have flashes every now and then...and we aren't even a year out yet! Seriously, expecting her to rug sweep this? LMAO! Don't count on it. You want to know when it will be "normal" again? When SHE is ready for it... and not a moment sooner!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How was your sexual intimacy with your wife prior to you having the EA?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are only out a couple of weeks out. If you want to put things in perspective....think about how you would feel if she had done this to you. I am only 5 months out and still have a hard time believing that he wants me and only me. Remember you were the one who turned her whole world upside down. Give her time and compliments. Just hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. It goes a long way.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask her..Why won't she have sex with you ?


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that was difficult as she was a friend of the family.

Her husband found old pics etc and forwarded them to my wife. She knows I talked to our friends... she knows I didn't let it go any further. 

1) I don't blame my wife, it's all on me.

2) I am doing research online.... that's why I'm here.

3) She feels I cheated and had an affair. Although I see how she could feel that way... I don't view it the SAME as having had a physical affair.

And I'm not distraught.... I never had actual "feelings" like that for the other woman. Which is why it doesn't feel like an affair to me because I WASNT emotionally connected. That said... I realize I was an ass and I feel like an ass. Now I'm trying to figure out what I should do.... and what is reasonable expectations because I have NEVER been through something like this before.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

Our sex life before was spotty and a real spot of contention.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did this EA go on? You say it was not physical and not emotional. So what did go on? Dirty talk? Picture exchanges? Dates?

Your wife now knows that you will cheat on her given the opportunity. She does not feel safe and loved anymore. So you have to take the time now to make her feel safe and loved.

The first thing to do it be completely transparent with her. Give her all your passwords, etc. Answer all her questions. She will ask you questions over and over. Just answer them truthfully and patiently... .over and over.

Get the books "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and the ones linked to below in my signature for building a passionate marriage.
You need to rebuild your marriage. These books will teach you how to build a passionate, affair proof marriage. 

You are 100% responsible for having an EA.

The two of you share 50/50 the state of your marriage before the affair.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

topaz said:


> About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. *That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that was difficult as she was a friend of the family.*
> 
> *Her husband found old pics etc and forwarded them to my wife. *She knows I talked to our friends... she knows I didn't let it go any further.
> 
> ...


-- Yes, you should have stopped contact. Hindsight, of course. But even with it being difficult, you should have said "hey, honey, we have a problem here and I need your help fixing this before I do something stupid."

-- What kind of pictures were they?

-- Many people don't see EAs as anything "bad". Some see them as just "crossing boundaries" in friendship. But, it is still cheating, nonetheless. You put forth energy into talking with this woman, rather than discussing these things with your wife. This is what hurts your wife. Well, that and if the pics you sent to the OW were explicit...

-- So, what can you do? Give her time she needs to process this. Give her the space she needs. When she asks you a question, over and over, and over again...answer it each and every time... and don't get b!tchy with her about it either. Don't get the "God, why aren't you over this already??" attitude with her. She will be over it when she is over it... it's a process SHE needs to go through, and you need to keep communication open with her. You need to keep everything transparent. THIS is what you need to expect from this situation. 


And YOU need to be patient. You hurt her, deeply... and now, you need to let her heal in her OWN time.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

Maricha75: Thanks... helpful words.

I'm trying to do all of that. There was one semi explicit picture from me. The rest were all tame. She sent me hundreds of explicit photos. 

I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good. The worse part about this I think is that she was thin, blonde, and pretty. My wife is dark, and gained a little weight the last few years. She has said exactly that to me. It has killed her self confidence etc. But the truth is, i was and still am more attracted to my wife than I ever was her.... because I do have the emotional connection and still see my wife when I look at her the weigh I did when we met. I KNOW she has changed... but I don't really see it. I'm stuck in time. That's a hard point to make her understand though.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

Oh and EA last a couple months.... although at the beginning was just a friendship that got carried away.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

topaz said:


> Maricha75: Thanks... helpful words.
> 
> I'm trying to do all of that. There was one semi explicit picture from me. The rest were all tame. She sent me hundreds of explicit photos.
> 
> I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. *She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good. *The worse part about this I think is that she was thin, blonde, and pretty. My wife is dark, and gained a little weight the last few years. She has said exactly that to me. It has killed her self confidence etc. But the truth is, i was and still am more attracted to my wife than I ever was her.... because I do have the emotional connection and still see my wife when I look at her the weigh I did when we met. I KNOW she has changed... but I don't really see it. I'm stuck in time. That's a hard point to make her understand though.


Disagree. IMHO, this is bad. If she isn't dealing with it head on and talking it through with you, IMHO she is retreating into herself and will construct her own reality about everything that happened within the EA. Exchanging pictures? My guess is that in your wife's eyes you DO find this slender blonde more attractive than your wife. What kind of pictures were they? Sexy? Nudes? Candids? If the pictures were provocative in any way then your wife will think you are giving her a line of bullsh!t by telling her that you find her more attractive than the OW. She hears your words, but she saw your actions. Guess which one carries more truth?

You need to keep your wife engaged in discussing the EA and providing her with constant reassurance. It will have to be balanced out with giving her time to process everything too. But the bottom line is that is she stops talking to you about this completely, then it could either fester into deeper resentment if not dealt with or she may be developing her own exit strategy and go the route of divorce.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

topaz said:


> Oh and EA last a couple months.... although at the beginning was just a friendship that got carried away.


That's irrelevant - an EA is an EA regardless of how it began. In fact, it would have been better if the woman was a complete stranger than a friend. Double betrayal in your wife's eyes since the both of you were friends with the OW and her husband.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> That's irrelevant - an EA is an EA regardless of how it began. In fact, it would have been better if the woman was a complete stranger than a friend. Double betrayal in your wife's eyes since the both of you were friends with the OW and her husband.


I agree... but one of the posters asked so I answered the question.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

topaz said:


> Oh and EA last a couple months.... although at the beginning was just a friendship that got carried away.


Most EAs and PAs are just friendships that get carried away.

I agree that you need to keep your wife engaged to help her heal. She could very well be slipping into a shell. And once there she might never come out.

Keep in mind that a high percentage of BS's end up having affairs of their own after they find out about their spouses infidelity.

This is not just something you did and now she has to 'get over it'. This is something that has opened a pandora's box in your relationship.

You need to take charge of the recovery here. You break it? You own it. You get to fix it. She may or may not go along to recovery.

Take a look at the books I suggested above. They are the best advice you can get.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

topaz said:


> I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good.


Actually this is bad, very bad, if she doesn`t get it out and deal with it directly she will hold it in and it will grow into resentment.
Nothing destroys a relationship like resentment.

The lack of sex is going to have to be put on the back burner for awhile until some time has passed and she decides whether or not she even wants to fix that problem.

If she decides not to you should end the marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

topaz said:


> About 2 months ago I talked to good friends of ours about it. I had decided I didn't want to go down that road and tried to move the relationship back towards that of just a friendship. That was a mistake, I should have stopped all contact entirely but that *was difficult as she was a friend of the family.*


Huge- Public embarrasement. Double betrayal. Complete violation of boundaires here. Try to wear her shoes, imagine her doping what you did with some of your friends, both socializing as if nothing was happening. Imagine
OM laughing at you.


> She feels I cheated and had an affair. Although I see how she could feel that way... I don't view it the SAME as having had a physical affair.


She doesn't feel a sh1t. You cheated on her. She's dealing with your betrayal not comparing herself with the rest of the world. This is the fool's relief. You are minimizing this to the extreme. Better get a little more insight on EAs, their damage is the same. She could be less damaged from a string of ONSs with random strangers.
EAs kill marriages everyday, ask anyone, if your have a family lawyer as a friend ask him. Ands is precisaly the minimizing, the lack of empathy for the betrayed feelings due the ''not PA'' what ussualy ends the marriage.
Read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Google EA, go to her website.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Huge- Public embarrasement. Double betrayal. Complete violation of boundaires here. Try to wear her shoes, imagine her doping what you did with some of your friends, both socializing as if nothing was happening. Imagine
> OM laughing at you.
> She doesn't feel a sh1t. You cheated on her. She's dealing with your betrayal not comparing herself with the rest of the world. This is the fool's relief. You are minimizing this to the extreme. Better get a little more insight on EAs, their damage is the same. She could be less damaged from a string of ONSs with random strangers.
> EAs kill marriages everyday, ask anyone, if your have a family lawyer as a friend ask him. Ands is precisaly the minimizing, the lack of empathy for the betrayed feelings due the ''not PA'' what ussualy ends the marriage.
> Read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. Google EA, go to her website.


I understand what your saying. If I reverse it in my head I would feel that way too.

My comments are to impress upon the posters HERE that I am not emotionally attached to this woman. I am not expecting my wife to view it any different I'm just trying to be forthcoming as I seek advice.

I am trying to prove to her I love her, I made a terrible mistake, I learned from it, and it will never happen again. I just don't quite no how to do that in the current framework.

And I'm eager to start rebuilding our marriage and making it BETTER.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's a long road you're on man. I had a two month EA with and old GF. I'm currently over two years past D Day and we're still working on it. Our marriage is better now than it was before, but my EA is still a presence. Honestly I think it will be to some degree for the rest of our lives. You just have to dig in and commit yourself to undoing what you've done. She's on a roller coaster, you have to walk a steady line to try to help smooth out the ups and downs she'll have. 

Good Luck, hang in there.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

A bit of an update. Were now about 5 weeks in. We have messed around just a little bit a couple of times. She went straight from her period to a yeast infections so that didn't help. I think she's all good now though.

Last night, I tried to initiate and she kept pulling my hand up. I asked what the deal was and she just clammed up. I finally said... look it's been 5 weeks, are you going to ride this bus right to the end of the tracks? She immediately got out of bed.... got upset...told me it wasn't she who put all these pictures in her head to wonder if I was thinking of her or someone else and went and slept with one of our kids. 

I've gone from feeling bad, to feeling said, to now I'm just angry. I'm trying to rebuild and keep hitting a brick wall. Not sure how to respond to this. 


Thoughts?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

topaz said:


> Anyways.... what's reasonable here? How long should I expect it to take for us to get some normalcy back in our relationship. For her to come to me and initiate affection as I am? For us to resume sexual relations? I know there will be triggers..... but it's been a couple weeks thus far and we feel like really nice roommates. What should I expect here...... I just want to start reaffirming and showing my love for her and hopefully have that reciprocated. I can't even initiate because she stops me if I try and touch her at all. The brow beats me if I try and discuss it.


My wife and I had a great sex life. 

My cheating was a fantasy, I always knew that. 

When there are sexual difficulties, and no affair partner in the picture, in a marriage, it is rarely one person's fault. 

Perhaps counseling could help to understand why your wife did not want sex prior to your affair. 

As for not wanting sex after the affair, that is fairly common.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

EAs are every bit as damaging as PAs. Most PAs are the on going result of an EA. I would have prefered my W had a ONS to a EA.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

topaz said:


> A bit of an update. Were now about 5 weeks in. We have messed around just a little bit a couple of times. She went straight from her period to a yeast infections so that didn't help. I think she's all good now though.
> 
> Last night, I tried to initiate and she kept pulling my hand up. I asked what the deal was and she just clammed up. I finally said... look it's been 5 weeks, are you going to ride this bus right to the end of the tracks? She immediately got out of bed.... got upset...told me it wasn't she who put all these pictures in her head to wonder if I was thinking of her or someone else and went and slept with one of our kids.
> 
> ...


If you don't get counseling to understand that everything you said and did was wrong, as are your feelings of anger, you are going to LOSE your wife. 

If that is what you want, and your affair was an exit affair, than be honest, it's not fair to toy with your wife's emotions.

Ask yourself this: Are you looking for a way to force your wife to boot you, or an excuse to leave. Dig deep. The answers are there but you will need help teasing them out. 

It's obvious that women need to be wined and dined, particularly after learning their husband was lusting after another women. 

Did your approach sound romantic to you?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

go download the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it ASAP

I don't think you realize how damaging your behavior actually was and is continuing to be


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You and randomdude should meet for coffee. 

I've never seen two men who so aptly have no idea of the crap that flows from their mouths. 

You have an affair, and after 5 weeks(want a medal) you're pushing for sex. 

You keep this up you're going to lose her. 


Almost- No he knows what he did, hes just minimizing to protect his ego. 'I don't view it as damaging as a physical affair' said it all when he posted that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

topaz said:


> Maricha75: Thanks... helpful words.
> 
> I'm trying to do all of that. There was one semi explicit picture from me. The rest were all tame. She sent me hundreds of explicit photos.
> 
> I have had no problems answering her questions and being patient. She hasn't actually asked anything in a while now. Which is good. The worse part about this I think is that she was thin, blonde, and pretty. My wife is dark, and gained a little weight the last few years. She has said exactly that to me. It has killed her self confidence etc. But the truth is, i was and still am more attracted to my wife than I ever was her.... because I do have the emotional connection and still see my wife when I look at her the weigh I did when we met. I KNOW she has changed... but I don't really see it. I'm stuck in time. That's a hard point to make her understand though.


The explicit pictures means this was a sexual relationship and not "just" an EA. It is cheating.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Kasler said:


> You and randomdude should meet for coffee.
> 
> I've never seen two men who so aptly have no idea of the crap that flows from their mouths.
> 
> ...


About the same as saying I only stabbed her in the heart, not the face...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

topaz said:


> I had a basic EA. Text and Photos exchanged. Were they erotic / naked photos? Nothing physical. I was temped but could not let it go there. What stopped you? Not even terribly emotional on my side. I was more intriqued than anything.
> 
> Wife found out. How did she find out? I was open, honest about everything. Gave her accesss to everything. Cut all contact and happy to do so. I was simply lonely because wife and I had been having difficulties. How often were contacting this woman? How often did you see her one to one? I am committed to wife. She is obviously distraught.
> 
> ...


see the red.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

topaz said:


> A bit of an update. Were now about 5 weeks in. We have messed around just a little bit a couple of times. She went straight from her period to a yeast infections so that didn't help. I think she's all good now though.
> 
> Last night, I tried to initiate and she kept pulling my hand up. I asked what the deal was and she just clammed up. *I finally said... look it's been 5 weeks, are you going to ride this bus right to the end of the tracks?* She immediately got out of bed.... got upset...told me it wasn't she who put all these pictures in her head to wonder if I was thinking of her or someone else and went and slept with one of our kids.
> 
> ...


I had an EA. 

If the roles were reveresed and my significant other said what you said I would have been done.

Sorry dude I am calling it the way it is. That was an @$$hole thing to say. You just flat don't get it.

You cheated on your wife and you really have no remorse. You are downplaying the whole thing. She has every right to divorce you for this.

You are making it very hard for her to forgive you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

topaz said:


> A bit of an update. Were now about 5 weeks in. We have messed around just a little bit a couple of times. She went straight from her period to a yeast infections so that didn't help. I think she's all good now though.
> 
> Last night, I tried to initiate and she kept pulling my hand up. I asked what the deal was and she just clammed up. I finally said... look it's been 5 weeks, are you going to ride this bus right to the end of the tracks? She immediately got out of bed.... got upset...told me it wasn't she who put all these pictures in her head to wonder if I was thinking of her or someone else and went and slept with one of our kids.
> 
> ...


My immediate thought: If your current attitude toward your wife is the same as your pre-affair attitude, I believe I have some idea why your wife was reluctant to have sex with you even before you cheated on her. 

Your lack of respect for your wife and your poor boundaries are both, frankly, somewhat appalling.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> go download the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it ASAP
> 
> I don't think you realize how damaging your behavior actually was and is continuing to be


:iagree: Youre response was downright nasty honestly. Total lack of empathy and compassion. You truly dont seem to get the damage you have done both to your marriage and to your wife's psyche.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I had an EA.
> 
> If the roles were reveresed and my significant other said what you said I would have been done.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
good grief.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and he's probably the sort of guy who would go ape sh!t if he caught his wife doing the same thing


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> and he's probably the sort of guy who would go ape sh!t if he caught his wife doing the same thing


you mean sending/receiving x-rated pics to/from someone other than her H???? surely not!!!


OP- Lack of sex is NOT the primary problem in your relationship. Seriously. You arent focusing on the REAL problem. yes, sex is important. VERY. You stopped acting like a husband yet you still want to be treated as one.... if you keep this up, sex wont be a problem but paying a lawyer sure as hell will be.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

topaz said:


> A bit of an update. Were now about 5 weeks in. We have messed around just a little bit a couple of times. She went straight from her period to a yeast infections so that didn't help. I think she's all good now though.
> 
> Last night, I tried to initiate and she kept pulling my hand up. I asked what the deal was and she just clammed up. I finally said... look it's been 5 weeks, are you going to ride this bus right to the end of the tracks? She immediately got out of bed.... got upset...told me it wasn't she who put all these pictures in her head to wonder if I was thinking of her or someone else and went and slept with one of our kids.
> 
> ...


Five weeks... and you expect her to be completely over your affair just like that? Dude, if you have a prayer of staying married to your wife, you are on HER time. You could have been over it the day after you two exchanged pictures. Your wife, however, IS NOT. And she SHOULD NOT be... not until SHE is ready. You want a normal life with your wife? Well, maybe you should have thought of that before exchanging explicit pictures and texts and whatever else you did with the OW. 

Funny, she said she wasn't the one to put those pictures in her mind... I'm guessing this opens the door to blame the OWH for messing up your marriage, right? Blame shift some more. Go for it. 

Bottom line? You screwed up and you need to give her the space SHE needs to get over your affair... IF she even chooses to.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Look up hysterical bonding. Then ask yourself why you aren't having it. When you come up with an answer, you'll figure out that you aren't actually reconciling yet. She's keeping you around for some other reason, I don't know what. 

I agree that the way you brought it up was a douche move. But frankly I don't think you're really in reconciliation so I get your frustration. You want to go back to "normal". But what is normal? You implied that before your EA, the intimacy was lacking anyway. Why do you want to fix and stay in the relationship in the first place if the best you can hope for is some level of inadequacy?


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

because I believe we can make it better. And she said she wanted to fix things and stay together. So I think theres he chance of some good coming out of this and us being more in tune with each others needs and building something much better. However we BOTH have to be working towards that. I know I look like the bad guy.... but I have been talking with her... and communicating... and working on these problems with her for YEARS. Yes I got off my path and veered of course... but I caught it and turned back before I did anything physical. And I want to give US a chance.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She "says" she wants to fix things. Is she actually doing anything to move in that direction?


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

She was..... she was being much sweeter, more thoughtful, more productive and helpful. I would say she was trying. Just not intimacy wise at all. And I didn't even care that she declined, but she went nuclear simply because i tried. That's what threw me.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ She didn't go nuclear because you tried, she went nuclear because you callously got snarky and said something very stupid and not at all remorseful rather than just accept that she doesn't want to be intimate with you and leave her be. 

Get this through your head.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Any woman wants her husband to be romantic and sexy in bed. The words you used are the diametric opposite of that. Add to it the fact of your very fresh A & your W is not feeling wanted at all. Her words were honest - she doesn't know who you're thinking about, her or your AP. When you talk like that, you make it sound like it's rote, like business. There's not even a hint of tenderness in those words. I read them and literally cringed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

topaz said:


> I had a basic EA. Text and Photos exchanged. Nothing physical. I was temped but could not let it go there. Not even terribly emotional on my side. I was more intriqued than anything.
> 
> Wife found out. I was open, honest about everything. Gave her accesss to everything. Cut all contact and happy to do so. I was simply lonely because wife and I had been having difficulties.
> 
> ...


You need to give her as long as she wants. This is not about you. It is about her. And the terrible disrespect you showed her and the contempt you expressed for her and for your marriage.

You didn't mean to disrespect her? Didn't mean to express contempt for her or your marriage? 

Tell that to her.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Basically the choice comes down to giving her the time to move forward on her timetable, or giving up and leaving. If you stay, recognize that she's in the driver's seat. The only way that you will be in the driver's seat is if you leave.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ^ She didn't go nuclear because you tried, she went nuclear because you callously got snarky and said something very stupid and not at all remorseful rather than just accept that she doesn't want to be intimate with you and leave her be.
> 
> Get this through your head.


I agree with this and other posters. 

Your approach was very unromantic. 

Remember, sir, you are fresh out of an affair. As Alte Dame said, she is probably thinking you are hot for your affair partner and all you want is a release. 

Man, you need to romance your wife, as if you two just met, and even then, don't expect her to warm up any time soon. Give the lady a break. If you leave her or place demands on her now, she will most likely let you go. 

An affair, emotional or Physical, NEVER improves a marriage. If a person is going to cheat, they need to recognize this. 

It's a fact that there are a subset of people who cheat to try to show their spouse they can get someone else, or because they have resentments, or because they foolishly believe it might get their spouse's attention and make the marriage better. 

When you think that repeat to yourself AFFAIRS NEVER MAKE A MARRIAGE BETTER. 

The best you can hope for in a reconciliation is better communication, but that may or may not happen, your wife may leave you and if you do reconcile TRUST will forever after be an issue for the hurt spouse.


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