# My EX's BF could be "crossing the line" with discipline?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I've definitely decided to focus on only myself for closure and to be the best dad I can be...even if that means being the best while my kids are still away on visitation and here's an example:

When my son told me that my EXs BF had been grabbing him by the shirt to take him to his room and in one instance, "tossed" him by his shirt into the room had me sending my EX an email. Here's what I sent:

*There is something I need to tell you that I was unable to do when I dropped off the kids (because they and BF's daughter were there).
Our son and I were playing on a playground during our trip and at one point when I chased him I had grabbed him by the shirt tail because he was so quick. He then told me that your BF does this when he gets in trouble and that he didn't like the way your BF did this.
So I asked my son to explain further what was going on. He said that your BF had grabbed him by the shirt and would pull him to his room when he "got into trouble". He also said there was one time where your BF forcefully "tossed" him into the room by his shirt. The bottom line is that our son did not like your BF doing this to him and he feels uncomfortable.
I hope you find this sort of "discipline" to be inappropriate as I do. I think if anyone should be doing the discipline of our kids, it should be you and I. I am asking that you mention this to your BF and that he keeps his hands off our son (as well as our daughter, but so far she's been an Angel?). Please get back to me on how you feel about this and how to address this. Thank you.*
So I sent this Monday and never heard back. So yesterday when I video chatted with the kids, I asked to speak with mommy afterwards in private. And I brought this up with her and since I haven't heard back I wanted to know what that status/discovery was.
It was nothing but excuses from my EX. She said things like:

1. I haven't had a chance to speak with our son. I've been busy at work and when I come home we have 4 kids to take care of (our kids and the BFs kids). 
2. She said she spoke with our daughter about it and my daughter didn't see this.
3. She can tell that I am trying to do long distance parenting, but the kids are under her care now and she will handle it.
4. Didn't like my email and focused on my sole comment of the BF keeping his hands off our son. 
5. I am jumping to conclusions and that our son may be misinterpreting all of this.

Well, I didn't lay down like a welcome mat like I did years ago after D-day.
I told her that her 1st priority upon learning what I had learned is to talk with our son and that it was unacceptable that she still has not spoken with him. And that she needs to do it now. If she hasn't by Friday, I told her I want the 3 of us to sit and discuss.
I also said that she had taken my email out of context if she sees it so negatively, but that I can't change how she sees it. The bottom line is she needs to make sure the BF understands his boundaries and that he is not to put his hands on our son (even if he agrees/knows this already).
I also told her to put herself in my shoes. If the same thing had happened she'd be going ape**** about all this!
At one point she said I can talk to her BF about this during our video chat and I said HELL YES, bring him on! But she never did. 
She kept interrupting me the entire time and I finally raised my voice telling her to not interrupt and to allow me to finish. I finished what I had to say and she kept her mouth shut. I have to admit this felt damn good for once. There were a few other things I discussed that she wasn't following through on that I can discuss another time. 
Oh! And one other thing I learned? My EX told me that our son and her BF are not getting along. That my son will listen to mommy and even the cousin who is still there; but doesn't listen to the BF. She says that our son must still be confused about having a male in the house. Duh! Because I'm certain my EX hasn't told our kids that this guy is her BF! But my 6 year old son must be seeing through all the lies and deception.
The bottom line is that the both of us know I'm not putting up with this BS any longer. I'll keep you guys updated what I find out.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Was that grabbing the shirt all that went down? I know it's hard but if the other guy is trying to pitch in the kid's education you should try to think about what would you do in his shoes. Kid did something, got the punishment of "going to room", kid refused he grabbed him and sent him there pulling by the shirt. Would you have done differently? 

But the context is important. How long has she had this BF? Have you discussed boundaries about your kids and discipline with your wife other than this one time? You need to get your needles straight here. 

And there is also the possibility that the BF did this only to show to the kid that he must respect him. Since it's very likely that the kid doesn't recognize him as an authority figure. 

Anyway, keep your eyes on this matter. If the BF becomes abusive you must step in for your kids.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

HD, why are you not stomping the sh*t out of the BF now!?!?!? Anyone that grabs my D by the shirt and tosses her into a room will be getting grabbed by the neck and tossed off a building!


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I live in Texas. The kids are spending the summer with my EX and her BF in Minnesota (where they live). 
I know all of us may have different views on how far discipline should go with our kids including that of non-family members such as this BF. But this is where I draw the line as well as my EX and BF. It shouldn't be tolerated.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> I live in Texas. The kids are spending the summer with my EX and her BF in Minnesota (where they live).
> I know all of us may have different views on how far discipline should go with our kids including that of non-family members such as this BF. But this is where I draw the line as well as my EX and BF. It shouldn't be tolerated.


You made that clear to your Ex right? Then if it happens again you report it to the authorities. Are you ready to take your kids full time?


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Just an update:
It's been a week since I first informed my EX about the possibility that her EX is crossing the line (IMO). I asked her to follow through and get back to me on what she finds out. That was last Wednesday. Still nothing. I have a chat set for tomorrow with the kids. Should I send her another email? Or should I even bother "nagging"? 

I have informed the kids' counselors about this by the way. They have been frustrated because the last two video chat sessions they had scheduled with the kids never happened. They didn't get a warning or cancellation. And they leave messages with my EX, but are not getting their calls returned.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

In addition to all this, I sent an "angry" email Sunday after my Friday scheduled video chat with my kids was postponed for a boat race. This is not the first time the scheduled video chat (as stated in the decree) was either postponed or forgotten. As for the decree, the kids video chat 3X a week with me (or my EX during school months).
For the summer, my EX has had the kids available online probably 75% of the time. My email basically stated I felt that my video chats with the kids was not important to her, but it's important to me and the kids.Oh. And her response to my frustrations with all this? " I have to drag the kids sometimes to video chat because they'd rather be doing other things." Wow. Just throw the kids under the bus why don't you.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> Oh. And her response to my frustrations with all this? " I have to drag the kids sometimes to video chat because they'd rather be doing other things." Wow. Just throw the kids under the bus why don't you.


You should reply - then drag them.

And, no, reasonable people have no disagreement that your exW's BF should not be disciplining him. He can spank her all he wants if he needs to. But no yelling, no grounding and certainly no touching. You need to establish these boundries. Including legally - if you need to not send them back or have your S call child services. 

How would you advise someone else in this situation? Take that advice without internalizing. Also - delete your son's name from your post.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> You should reply - then drag them.
> 
> And, no, reasonable people have no disagreement that your exW's BF should not be disciplining him. He can spank her all he wants if he needs to. But no yelling, no grounding and certainly no touching. You need to establish these boundries. Including legally - if you need to not send them back or have your S call child services.
> 
> How would you advise someone else in this situation? Take that advice without internalizing. Also - delete your son's name from your post.


Whoa! I thought I did a good job from including the kids' names. Thanks for the heads up.
At the very least, I am going to send the "boundaries" in an email so it's documented.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Just an update:
> It's been a week since I first informed my EX about the possibility that her EX is crossing the line (IMO). I asked her to follow through and get back to me on what she finds out. That was last Wednesday. Still nothing. I have a chat set for tomorrow with the kids. Should I send her another email? Or should I even bother "nagging"?
> 
> I have informed the kids' counselors about this by the way. They have been frustrated because the last two video chat sessions they had scheduled with the kids never happened. They didn't get a warning or cancellation. And they leave messages with my EX, but are not getting their calls returned.


She will NOT get back to you. She is protecting her BF, and she doesn't want the kids chatting with you because she is afraid that they will tell you something that she doesn't want you to find out.

Remember, she has to prove to everyone that she made the right decision to leave you, even if that means making you out to be the bad guy, and cutting your kids off from you.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She will NOT get back to you. She is protecting her BF, and she doesn't want the kids chatting with you because she is afraid that they will tell you something that she doesn't want you to find out.


Careful about this right here.
Keep up with the situation as it develops. If BF crosses the line again drop the authorities on his ass.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to your lawyer to see what the consequences of breaking the divorce agreement are?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

