# Difference in libidos and why it matters



## George Everyman (Feb 23, 2011)

I think I'm much older than a lot of people here and maybe that's why I have a different attitude regarding 'cheating' and infidelity. Here is an excerpt of a book I wrote that sums up my thoughts. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this.


"Let me digress and tell you about two other women and how I had interesting situations with them this summer and fall. There is a whole lot of relevance here, but it’s not obvious at first. If you bear with me, though, it will become so.

Deborah is a few years older than me. She’s a smart lady. Sophisticated too. She has a summer home where we do, and it’s a pretty tight community where everyone knows everyone. The story goes that she walked in on the hubby, finding him hungrily bopping some random lady, and she kicked him to the curb, as they say. 

The following is my speculation of what happened based on what I’ve observed over the years about dissolutions of marriages. She most likely got a lot of sympathy from family and friends. “The bastard”, they all cried. When the divorce was final, there was most likely a lot of encouragement, i.e. “Go girl, you can find a man who has everything the bastard has/had with none of the bad things”. 

After a long and painful search, reality sets in. Deborah does not find Mr. right, the bastard gets remarried to a younger hottie, and Deborah lives a life of relative misery. Yes, I know there are exceptions. And I also know the situation is reversed half of the time with the ***** getting a younger hottie. But that’s not the point. 

The point is that an orgasm should not derail a marriage. Period. Quitting a marriage over an infidelity is absurd, especially when we have created an institution that allows no flexibility thus almost guaranteeing infidelities.

So back to Deborah. She is lonely. How do I know? Well I caught her looking at me at a party this summer. I mean really looking at me. Now let me tell you something. I’m not Brad Pitt. Hell, I’m not Brad Pitt’s grandfather. Nobody looks at me that way, anymore. Maybe when I was younger, but not now. I felt bad for her. I feel bad for all people in broken marriages. Especially when they involve infidelity and the inability of the couple to work out a solution.

I mean, come on, how can two people’s libidos mesh perfectly all the time? They can’t. And then throwing away everything, ****ing up the kid’s lives, giving half of the lifetime earnings to the lawyers. How smart is that?

The other lady, Edith, is younger. She’s still in her prime. Good looking lady. A little too thin for me, but that’s just me. She had an older hubby. Notice the ‘had’. Same story. She kicked him to the curb. Now she’s in the dating phase of recreating her life. I’ve talked to her on a few occasions about life and the hubby and she said something very interesting to me once. 

She said that the hubby was perfect in many ways. At least she wasn’t so consumed with anger and self pity that she could see that. But still, she kicked him to the curb. Maybe there’s just something about pride kicking in here. Maybe it’s just too hard to have people see us forgiving someone who is unfaithful. 

I like Edith and I think she might find someone else, but I hope she gets back with the hubby."


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Ian, is that you?

For some, infidelity is a deal breaker. A person shouldn't stay in a marriage because there are no other options available.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I was thinking the EXACT same thing!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I was thinking it too! :rofl:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Ladies, think of the children. Don't throw it all away over a silly little "orgasm".


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Ladies, think of the children. Don't throw it all away over a silly little "orgasm".


Children? What children. ENGLAND! :rofl:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

:lol::lol::rofl::rofl::lol::lol:

:gun:


Wait...what just happened? I think I found my penis and it went off quite by accident. Forgive me don't condemn me. You are getting old and are destined to be lonely forever if you do! :scratchhead:


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Does Ian write that well? 

I thought Ian only writes long posts. 

This one is manageable for me to read. 

I do like the tone though, not that sad!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If I found my man harping a hotti, I would just go look for a stud to harp!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Harping, my new fav euphemism. If I ever found my girl harping another man (or women for that matter) I really do not know what I would do. All I know is that I'd be gone for a while. I don't know for how long, could be hours to a day, but after that, hope I never need to find out. 

But anyway, difference in libido is never a reason to cheat. Discuss the freaking thing and compromise, leave or strike some form of a deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Harping, my new fav euphemism. If I ever found my girl harping another man (or women for that matter) I really do not know what I would do. All I know is that I'd be gone for a while. I don't know for how long, could be hours to a day, but after that, hope I never need to find out.
> 
> But anyway, difference in libido is never a reason to cheat. Discuss the freaking thing and compromise, leave or strike some form of a deal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed, Drag. The story implied that a woman walking out on a marriage over something like an "orgasm" is going to harm all involved. That's one thought or you could take it another way.....the person willing to cheat on their family knows the risks going in and collateral damage to the family is #1. It's selfish to the core and a dealbreaker for many many marriages.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Agreed. She could have contributed, but it isn't exactly her fault for all that followed the divorce eh. 

You know, you'd almost think some people cheat so they can get caught and have a somewhat easier exit, as then not much of an explanation is required.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Harping, my new fav euphemism. If I ever found my girl harping another man (or women for that matter) I really do not know what I would do. All I know is that I'd be gone for a while. I don't know for how long, could be hours to a day, but after that, hope I never need to find out.
> 
> But anyway, difference in libido is never a reason to cheat. Discuss the freaking thing and compromise, leave or strike some form of a deal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband and I have different libidos. If it is libido issue, it is really easy to solve, depends on people's attitude. 

Just give her or him what she or he needs. 

Is it really difficult for women to open their legs? NO! 

Is it difficult for men to have erection? NO!

They just need to think more for the other one and make the other one happy! 

Between my husband and me, I have a higher sex drive, he just tells me to hop on him at any time I want to, problem solved! 

If a woman just opens her leg and let her husband enjoy her body, problem solved! 

If one spouse ignores the other spouses' needs, and they have marriage problems, they really have to examine themselves!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Agreed. She could have contributed, but it isn't exactly her fault for all that followed the divorce eh.
> 
> You know, you'd almost think some people cheat so they can get caught and have a somewhat easier exit, as then not much of an explanation is required.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's called an exit affair. They have one with the hopes that their spouse finds out and tosses them out. In their mind, this then doesn't make them the bad person who broke up the family. They weren't the ones who filed. It's an incredibly cowardly action but all too common.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

@Brennan: There is even a name for it?!  I have much to learn. 

@GreenPearl: Your stories crack me up. You have sub a simplistic view, almost zen-like. Amazing. If everybody thought like you life would be easier. But alas, we can't. My gf could jump on me any time she would like, but not the other way around. I just can't have sex only because I want to. It would make me feel bad and as if I use her. I need to get her aroused and willing before I try anything. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

George Everyman said:


> The point is that an orgasm should not derail a marriage. Period. Quitting a marriage over an infidelity is absurd, especially when we have created an institution that allows no flexibility thus almost guaranteeing infidelities.


This is beyond simplistic.

Let's add in exposure to sexually transmitted diseases, theft of time, resources, and trust.

And the longterm effect on a family, a pair of people who vowed faithfulness to each other.

Imposing narcissistic boundaries (in essence, no boundaries) on a marriage trivializes marriage.

The love, affection, and sense of being a team the a good marriage means to me is entirely destroyed by a straying that I've experienced. It's an assault on all I expected and gave.

It is hardly about an orgasm.

But I think you know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ETA, I agree with Michzz.



George Everyman said:


> The point is that an orgasm should not derail a marriage. Period. Quitting a marriage over an infidelity is absurd, especially when we have created an institution that allows no flexibility thus almost guaranteeing infidelities.
> 
> "


This quote struck me. You are right an orgasm should not ruin a marriage, so why on earth does someone risk it all to have an orgasm? Surely their marriage means more to them then that, if it does then they should not cheat.

People also don't get kicked to the curb for orgasming, heck I orgasm without my fiance all the time and he orgasms without me too. We just don't cheat, we masturbate. And for sexual issues we talk and then talk some more if need be.

If he wasn't meeting my needs I would tell him, and I know he would tell me too.

I also know if i heated that he would for sure kick me to the curb and i feel it would be fully deserved. Either your 100% with me or you are 100% out of the marriage.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

the OP is BS


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## visitor (Mar 1, 2011)

to my thinking, fidelity is the _primary_ element of marriage


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Draguna said:


> @GreenPearl: Your stories crack me up. You have sub a simplistic view, almost zen-like. Amazing. If everybody thought like you life would be easier. But alas, we can't. My gf could jump on me any time she would like, but not the other way around. I just can't have sex only because I want to. It would make me feel bad and as if I use her. I need to get her aroused and willing before I try anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Draguna,

I am practicing zen. 

For the past year, I have been reading books written by Buddhists, I learned a lot. 

I dropped a lot of my baggage in my life, the feeling I have in my heart is difficult to describe, PEACE and JOY are the two words maybe!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Trenton said:


> :lol::lol::rofl::rofl::lol::lol:
> 
> :gun:
> 
> ...


:rofl: too funny.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. I think people have to do what they feel is best for them.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I just have to wonder if ending a marriage over orgasms is only silly when it's a man's orgasm? Would the OP's story read the same and an infidelity be so harmless if he'd walked in on his wife spread out on the kitchen table rather than the reverse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I just have to wonder if ending a marriage over orgasms is only silly when it's a man's orgasm? Would the OP's story read the same and an infidelity be so harmless if he'd walked in on his wife spread out on the kitchen table rather than the reverse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently not because those women were described with a swear word that was ***** < like this and not at all with any empathy.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You know in an odd way, my wife's complete refusal to ever have sex for years and years past and for future forever causes me to think I'd be MORE indifferent to any future affair on her part, not less. We're already roommates who barely speak to one another, really don't like one another so why not embrace that.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

George Everyman said:


> I think I'm much older than a lot of people here and maybe that's why I have a different attitude regarding 'cheating' and infidelity. Here is an excerpt of a book I wrote that sums up my thoughts. I've spent a lot of time thinking about this.


Pretty sure age doesn't have a whole lot to do with it - think it's probably more that you simply have a different attitude toward it than most.

Just curious have you ever cheated on your wife, or vice versa?


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

@GreenPearl: Awesome, that is actually quite cool. Maybe I should do that some day as well. Interesting...

@Runs Like Dog: I feel incredible sadness when I read your posts. Not just from the post itself, but also in me. I'd say leave, but you probably won't and that saddens me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Draguna said:


> @GreenPearl: Awesome, that is actually quite cool. Maybe I should do that some day as well. Interesting...


Draguna,

I have studied Christianity and zen, I find zen easier to bring us peace. Zen doesn't force us to believe that "there is a GOD, we have to feel grateful for what HE has done for us, do what HE requires". They both teach us to understand human nature, but Christianity likes to picture human beings are being heavily influenced by Satan and we are sinners, zen teaches that we were born nice people, but as we grow up, we start to have all the desire and we store resentment towards life and people around us, in order to achieve peace, we have to have less desire and get rid of the resentment in our heart, then we have peace and we can let love come into our heart. They both teach us to be content with what we have, they both teach simplicity. 

What they teach is interesting, it is very different from what average people think, if you get into it, the peace and joy it brings you will be much more than real wealth you achieve in real life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> I have studied Christianity and zen, I find zen easier to bring us peace. Zen doesn't force us to believe that "there is a GOD, we have to feel grateful for what HE has done for us, do what HE requires". They both teach us to understand human nature, but Christianity likes to picture human beings are being heavily influenced by Satan and we are sinners, zen teaches that we were born nice people, but as we grow up, we start to have all the desire and we store resentment towards life and people around us, in order to achieve peace, we have to have less desire and get rid of the resentment in our heart, then we have peace and we can let love come into our heart. They both teach us to be content with what we have, they both teach simplicity.


When I was a christian, there was this great guy who worked with my husband, always happy, superb worker, giving, calm, he used to talk to me about his ZEN beliefs all the time, almost every time I seen him, he was very proud of his beliefs- and he kinda chuckled about my beliefs -but never in a mean way.

I never really took the time to read up on ZEN (after all we generally think we know it all when we are young), but given what you say here, I can see he always knew he was way smarter than me!! Hope I run into him sometime soon so I can tell him that.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Draguna,
> 
> I have studied Christianity and zen, I find zen easier to bring us peace. Zen doesn't force us to believe that "there is a GOD, we have to feel grateful for what HE has done for us, do what HE requires". They both teach us to understand human nature, but Christianity likes to picture human beings are being heavily influenced by Satan and we are sinners, zen teaches that we were born nice people, but as we grow up, we start to have all the desire and we store resentment towards life and people around us, in order to achieve peace, we have to have less desire and get rid of the resentment in our heart, then we have peace and we can let love come into our heart. They both teach us to be content with what we have, they both teach simplicity.
> 
> What they teach is interesting, it is very different from what average people think, if you get into it, the peace and joy it brings you will be much more than real wealth you achieve in real life.


I know of zen and feel and even agree a lot with what they say and practice. I'm pretty much zen in most of the things I do. People say I'm way to peaceful, easygoing, happy, giving for a normal human. This is how I feel about life, except for sex. I would currently not be able to ask my gal to assume position because I am in the mood, like it is possible in your relationship. I would just feel wrong about that fact. Now, if she wants to jump me though...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I was a christian, there was this great guy who worked with my husband, always happy, superb worker, giving, calm, he used to talk to me about his ZEN beliefs all the time, almost every time I seen him, he was very proud of his beliefs- and he kinda chuckled about my beliefs -but never in a mean way.
> 
> I never really took the time to read up on ZEN (after all we generally think we know it all when we are young), but given what you say here, I can see he always knew he was way smarter than me!! Hope I run into him sometime soon so I can tell him that.




SA,

You know me. 

I was struggling a lot in my life before. 

I used to have a bad temper, I used to get offended easily, I used to have fear and worries, I used to dwell on things, I couldn't drop my baggage, my life was all fine, just all those small things brought me down. Christianity helped me some, but what really helped me is ZEN. 

I am sure that friend of yours knows the difference, but they are also humble and they don't try to make other people feel bad. ZEN doesn't picture itself as the best religion or the only true religion, quite different from Christianity. It is a way of life! Peace is what they pursue..............................and they do get peace after years of searching and practicing.........................


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Draguna said:


> I know of zen and feel and even agree a lot with what they say and practice. I'm pretty much zen in most of the things I do. People say I'm way to peaceful, easygoing, happy, giving for a normal human. This is how I feel about life, except for sex. I would currently not be able to ask my gal to assume position because I am in the mood, like it is possible in your relationship. I would just feel wrong about that fact. Now, if she wants to jump me though...


Draguna,

My husband and I are very mischievous, we don't get offended by each other's silly comments, actually we quite enjoy the playful insults we throw at each other. For sex, we know pleasing each other is our goal, whenever he wants it or I want it, we are there for each other. Depriving our spouse's enjoyment is the last thing we should do. And providing sex is easy, our body is there, it doesn't cost us a dime, why don't we let out spouses take advantage of it! 

I find you to be a very nice gentleman, your girl is lucky to have you.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Syrum said:


> Apparently not because those women were described with a swear word that was ***** < like this and not at all with any empathy.


Oh that's right....so sorry! I completely overlooked the fact that only men have orgasms of any consequence! Those ****-y cougars are clearly just after some younger hottie's money, or what have you....:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> You know in an odd way, my wife's complete refusal to ever have sex for years and years past and for future forever causes me to think I'd be MORE indifferent to any future affair on her part, not less. We're already roommates who barely speak to one another, really don't like one another so why not embrace that.


Yep, although it sounds like we're friendlier than you and your wife are--I've told my husband time and time again that if he ever did come across someone who "flipped his switch", since I clearly don't, I would hope that he'd do whatever he had to in order to follow that happiness. I'd in fact love it if he had an affair, just to know that he had the _capacity_ for passion....


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Yep, although it sounds like we're friendlier than you and your wife are--I've told my husband time and time again that if he ever did come across someone who "flipped his switch", since I clearly don't, I would hope that he'd do whatever he had to in order to follow that happiness. I'd in fact love it if he had an affair, just to know that he had the _capacity_ for passion....


Wow, CO....why are you still there? Seriously?!?!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Wow, CO....why are you still there? Seriously?!?!


Like most things....it's complicated.

It took me a while to get to a point where it felt "okay" for me to think about leaving. I mean, we don't fight, argue, or do anything. We are literally perfect roommates and good friends. On the one hand it's probably been two years since we even held hands, but at the same time, he's probably spent two hours on the phone this week tracking down parts for my car and has been sending who knows how many emails to his car club guys to help me with a charity event I'm on a planning committee for. So figuring out that what I need to do is let this end while we can still be friends and before I really hurt him was really hard and took quite a while. 

So now we're both at a point where we've realized that things aren't going to work in any sort of romantic sense. I've been contacted by recruiters a couple of times in the last few months about potential new jobs and applied for some others and about half of those applications and contacts have been out of state, so I've decided to stay put for another couple of months until we work out the financial details and I hopefully settle the job thing. I'm leery of signing a local lease and then get an out of state offer that I can't resist. If it happens, it happens, but since I've actually been talking to out of state people....

So I'm actually not staying much longer. We both deserve someone who can love us the way we want and need to be loved. I have to believe that there are relationships out there where people love each other, like each other and then even hang out and do stuff together....some of it even naked. And that it's all the same person! Imagine! Facetious, yes, but I've spent the last several years "piecing things together" to fill that relationship hole and now I'm just getting really excited about the possibilities out there.


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## George Everyman (Feb 23, 2011)

surfergirl said:


> Pretty sure age doesn't have a whole lot to do with it - think it's probably more that you simply have a different attitude toward it than most.
> 
> Just curious have you ever cheated on your wife, or vice versa?


Surfergirl, does an e-affair count? If so then yes, a very intense emotional affair, but it was brief.

As for her, I'm not sure, but suspicions were the basis for the book.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> I find you to be a very nice gentleman, your girl is lucky to have you.


Forgot to say thanks, so thanks :smthumbup:


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