# Mandatory class before marriage



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Why is it you can have kids with no qualifications? You can get a drivers license to hurdle a car down the road with your body in it at 70 mph by answering 20 questions? But you can get married with no prior qualifications?

Now that I'm in the middle of a divorce.....I truly believe all couples should have to go through some "eye opening" courses before committing to marriage. Like sit down, with a lawyer, and list both incomes and say "Do yall realize if you get divorced in 10 years, this is what will happen to you financialy???"

I truly believe it would make couple seriously think about the committment they're making, unlike couples do today.

Thoughts?


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## Jenny8 (Mar 3, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> Why is it you can have kids with no qualifications? You can get a drivers license to hurdle a car down the road with your body in it at 70 mph by answering 20 questions? But you can get married with no prior qualifications?
> 
> Now that I'm in the middle of a divorce.....I truly believe all couples should have to go through some "eye opening" courses before committing to marriage. Like sit down, with a lawyer, and list both incomes and say "Do yall realize if you get divorced in 10 years, this is what will happen to you financialy???"
> 
> ...


I don't think sitting down with a lawyer and being scared about finances would be a good idea. However, I think there should be mandated courses one needs to take in order to file for a marriage license. It should be given by qualified therapists and funded by the government.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A "mandatory" class would mean a government class and from what I can see, Western government isn't a real fan of traditional marriage. Not sure about your state, but in mine, someone can get a driver's license even if they couldn't drive a thumb up their butt with both hands. My test for motorcycle endorsement was to take off. If you come back alive, you pass.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

There should be some requirements for the whole having a kid thing. Not sure how it would work, but obviously there are many people who have kids that should not.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

No, I'm not interested in anything mandatory.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

For a split second I thought it would be a good idea after reading a thread here one day. Then I read another where a man in a happy LTR said that basically a lot of it comes down to luck, meeting the right person for you. 

I tend to agree with the second line of thought and not pre marital classes.

Personally I believe that life experience is the biggest teacher. Having come out the other end of an amicable divorce and a huge learning curve about myself I now know that I have the resources to make a better choice this time around. I have no regrets from my LTR and subsequent divorce, I had many life lessons to learn that no classroom would have ever taught me.
I need to do things in order to learn, not just be told or read things.

I agree with Lyris that anything like this that is mandatory is of no interest to me.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Whilst I do not think “Mandatory” of state run pre marital course is the answer. I do think that some system where couples are encouraged to stop and think about the commitment they are planning would be good for them both, any children they might have and even if you stop to think about it for society as a whole.

I know that both my wife and I gained so much from “The Marriage Preparation Course” we took with my parish church. The fact that it did take 4 weeks (a month of Sundays if you will) to do the course did at least give time for everyone to get used to the idea.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

It shouldn't be mandatory but it would be good if everyone did take one.


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## Jenny8 (Mar 3, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> A "mandatory" class would mean a government class and from what I can see, Western government isn't a real fan of traditional marriage. Not sure about your state, but in mine, someone can get a driver's license even if they couldn't drive a thumb up their butt with both hands. My test for motorcycle endorsement was to take off. If you come back alive, you pass.


LOL!


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## Jenny8 (Mar 3, 2013)

gbrad said:


> There should be some requirements for the whole having a kid thing. Not sure how it would work, but obviously there are many people who have kids that should not.


Yep. My father would have failed miserably.


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## Jenny8 (Mar 3, 2013)

Holland said:


> For a split second I thought it would be a good idea after reading a thread here one day. Then I read another where a man in a happy LTR said that basically a lot of it comes down to luck, meeting the right person for you.
> 
> I tend to agree with the second line of thought and not pre marital classes.
> 
> ...


I could have used some counseling prior to marriage. I was terrified walking down the aisle, I knew I wasn't ready but everything was booked so I didn't have a choice. My parents had such a messy divorce and my childhood was insane. I'm just starting to learn what marriage is really about.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

So like those driver's ed courses in high school where they show you all the wrecks, blood & guts to scare you into "safe driving", everyone should be required to watch War of the Roses & Fatal Attraction?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Agree however; the distinction between a marriage license and a driver’s license is that the marriage license is a “right”, Constitutionally protected under the general ambit of freedoms of religion and association.

The governmentally issued marriage “license” merely serves to facilitate civil and governmental purposes to your exercise of a right to which you are otherwise entitled to under the foundations of our society and government.

The driver’s license is no more than a privilege afforded to you by the government. There is no Constitutional article which protects our right to drive a vehicle. Thus, the government is in a position to place and enforce (albeit rather minimal) certain requirements and conditions e.g., to pass a test, to maintain certain amounts of liability insurance, to not drive while intoxicated, etc.

The “Covenant of Marriage” is another curious legal distinction. It is, effectively, a “contract” between an individual(s) and their God(s) and may be held to be un-severable; however a covenant is not a legally enforceable document in a court of law as American Courts are deemed to only have subject matter jurisdiction over issues of a civil, criminal or Constitutional origin. The law of “covenant” remains within the province of our many varied spiritual relationships with our God(s).

So called “Covenant Marriages” are merely contracts with provisions which limit or place conditions upon the severing or breaking of the agreement. They are however still just a civil contract and would otherwise be unenforceable if there were no allowances for a termination of the agreement – at least within the laws of our United States.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The minister that married us had us take a 'pre-marriage' course. That was 25 years ago, so I don't remember too many specifics. I think it was a Friday night and then all day Saturday and Sunday.

My wife and I were put into a group of all 'living in sin' couples. They talked about careers and kids and finances, etc. Things that my then girlfriend and I had already talked about but we were amazed by comments from other couples that you could tell had never talked about these things.

Our group had a counselor who was a 'sex therapist'. He was a little Philapino man, maybe 5' tall and 100 lbs. I remember him telling the ladies. Right now you guys probably are into sex. In the future, your man will probably want sex more than you will. Your marriage will be much happier if you use your hands or mouth on your man, when he is feeling like having sex and you aren't. He said "it will take maybe 5 minutes and will save the marriage hours and hours of arguing".

Everyone laughed, but I often think about that advice and how much better my marriage would be if my wife had listened!


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

Course no. A degree would be much better. To much to cover.


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## Mahogany (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm surprised no one has suggested the application of this forum.

The government should keep its' noes out of where it does not belong, however supporting dissemination of resources such as this forum is a missing opportunity to educate early. 

Maybe the tone of these forums would gravitate towards successful marriages then the failings ones.

2 cents from a single never-married male using this forum to lay a foundation before jumping in blind.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Had to take a class with the pastor before we got married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The courses are out there. If a person wants to they can take them. 

As a parent I want to give my children and their intended an engagement gift to attended a long weekend course that I know about.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

The problem is, when you are first getting married you don't think that most of the stuff in pre-marital counselling is relevant for you. After all, you love each other and have no intention of having issues.

I think regular marriage tune ups would be more beneficial.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> I think regular marriage tune ups would be more beneficial.


:iagree:
Being an engineer by trade I think a bit of "planned preventative maintenance" is a good thing.
N.B. I would have said a “regular service” but people might have thought I was being smutty.


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## LifeIsAJourney (Jan 24, 2013)

I've often thought that the "History of Marriage" ought to be taught in high school. I mean, historically marriage was not about love at all. It was about property, contractual obligation and assurances of paternity of offspring. Not very romantic stuff. But then we need to teach our kids that marriage only starts with love and that IT TAKES WORK! 

A dear friend's daughter is getting married later this year and I gave her a copy of "All You Need is Love and Other Lies About Marriage" by John Jacobs. It is an excellent book that details the realities of making marriage work in the 21st century.

I know that I would have been much better prepared if someone had given me this sort of advice 20+ years ago.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I went through the mandatory Catholic church version of this in 1985. It was actually very thorough. A married couple worked as our mentors. We took a personality inventory, then talked about the results with a therapist who told us precisely what kind of communication issues we would encounter (two introverts can let a lot of baggage fester before they air it out). We learned that marrying your spouse means marrying their family. We discussed finances, jobs, child rearing ... a whole bunch of stuff.

What didn't we cover? Sex. What have we wound up arguing about 3 orders of magnitude more than anything else? You guessed it.

Overall, I think the whole effort was well spent.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Personally, I wish our school systems were a little different.

We teach things that no longer need to be taught. That's not to say they don't have value, but history and geography have much less impact on most adults' lives than things like "communication skills" and "personal finance." We teach students in ways that they can't perceive the benefit. I'd love to see our *young* students taught the things that affect them _every single day_ of their lives. 

I wouldn't necessarily take the other courses away, but I'd make these things elective courses and the life skills stuff required, which is the opposite of what we see today.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> the distinction between a marriage license and a driver’s license is that the marriage license is a “right”, Constitutionally protected under the general ambit of freedoms of religion and association.


I don't agree that marriage is a right, or else gays would be able to marry without having to go through such extreme civil RIGHTS protests and lobbying.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Maybe they should not only have a "class" but at least raise the age limit to a point where on "average" the human brain has actually "developed" to adulthood? Like say 25? AND "compatibility test" say similar to a college entry exam or an aptitude test?And an in depth psycological exam AND a lie detector test?

That would help a LOT..!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

^ I agree completely with this, too.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I don't agree that marriage is a right, or else gays would be able to marry without having to go through such extreme civil RIGHTS protests and lobbying.


right on sister!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> ^ I agree completely with this, too.


And I think getting married to early and to an incompatible person and having children too young STUNTS your growth..So its a double,tripple whammy!

And the whole idea that marriage is a "fairy tale" too should be OUTLAWED..

These huge and unrealistic "expectations" (and I love this term) are "pre- determined resentments"..

Kathy did you watch (I know its kind of cheesy but entertains me) the first episode of LA shrinks?

If you have a great sense of humor you would like it..I think you and I are kind of alike in some crucial ways.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> And I think getting married to early and to an incompatible person and having children too young STUNTS your growth..So its a double,tripple whammy!
> 
> *Yep... it creates so much emotional baggage! And unfortunately, few of us have had good role models to teach us how to gauge what is really compatible.*
> 
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

What about the common and I mean COMMON phenomenon that you KNOW you aren't compatible but if you could "just get married" everything will be all right .Because why? YOU are married NOW for Christs sake!Everybody KNOWS that if you just get married everything else just "works out"..You know you both "change" ..Its wife and husbands of DREAMS!!! LOL!!!


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