# Should i be concerned



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I have talked to my husband all week about me wanting a divorce and how I am not happy there anymore and how I dont love him anymore and that we would both be better off to go our separate ways.

He has hid my keys from me so I can leave, he threw things and said he had to get his aggression out somehow and that I was lucky that wasnt me. He raised his hand to my face like he was going to hit me and asked me why I flinched. 

He has said things like I would love to back hand you and stuff like that. He is kind of an aggressive person and I still want to leave but I dont know what I should do. Should I be concerned that he might actually try to hurt me? Thanks.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I would be very concerned. he is threatening you and it looks like he could cross that line. What I would think about doing is moving out to a friend or a family member.. Get out and think about what you want. Right now its dangerous for you to be there. Take care of yourself first. Then see what to do..


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you already know the answer to your question.

it's just difficult to face.

you not only have to get away from him you need to do it quickly and without giving your husband any notice.

secretly pack a bag, grab any cash you may have stashed in the house, if you're rural call a friend to meet you at the house, if you're urban just walk out the door.

stay with someone you trust will not reveal your whereabouts.

call the police and start a record of events.

and please understand you're doing the right thing.

you're not abandoning your marriage.

a marriage is not defined by threats of violence.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the previous posters.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Look up numbers to your local battered women's shelter; if this process is discouraging, please read the statistics, and then make that call!


*National Statistics*

*On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day.* In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. In the same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner (Bureau of Justice Statistics Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003).
According to estimates from the National Crime Victimization Survey, there were nearly 700,000 nonfatal violence victimizations committed by current or former spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends of the victims during 2001. out of this number, 85% were crimes against women. (U.S. Department of Justice, Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, March 1998).
Thirty seven percent of women who sought treatment in an emergency room for violence-related injuries were injured by a current or former intimate partner. (U.S. Department of Justice, Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, March 1998).
Abuse in relationships exists among all classes, races and cultural groups, although women between ages 16 and 24 are nearly three times more vulnerable to intimate partner violence (Intimate Partner Violence & Age of Victim, U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1999).
A recent National Crime Victimization survey found that women were 6 times more than men to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner. Intimate partners include current or former spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, dating partners, regardless of whether they are cohabiting or not. (Violence Against Women: Estimates from the Re-designed Survey, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Dept. of Justice, 1998).
In a national study of college students, 27.5% of the women surveyed said that they had suffered rape or attempted rape at least once since age 14. Only 5% of those experiences were reported to the police. The term “hidden rape” has emerged because this survey and many other studies found that sexual assaults are seldom reported to the police. (Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control, 2003).
*READ MORE*


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Well, thanks for the information. I really dont know what is a normal reaction to this kind of news. I would think that most people would get upset when they find out that their significant other is leaving them, but I wasnt sure what was normal or abnormal.

He has also hit himself before, which scares me. We have talked before about us getting divorced but he either cries and says that he cant lose me or he gets angry.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It's not normal.. Your safety is #1... Your in a situation that isn't safe. First of all you can't think clearly because of his uncertainty.. You are looking at him in 1 aspect. The threat of physical abuse. How can you figure out what your marriage has when that is your first thought?? Step back and leave. Then see what your best action is. Take care of yourself..


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I just read somethings on the internet about obsessive relationships, and what I read sounded a lot like my relationship. 

I am a little scared now, because apparently its a big deal. I am a bit worried thinking that my actions could cause him or me harm. How can I make sure he is taken care of as well as myself.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly honey, I would call the police and tell them he has made threats, even if he hasn't carried out any of them, and ask them to send someone over so you can pack a bag and go. This way there is someone there to protect both of you from any harm. They are not going to let him harm himself either, so you are covered on both sides. Tell them your concerns and that you need to get out ASAP, and they will even refer you to someone who can get you a place to stay and whatnot. Best of luck to you sweetheart.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

*How to leave if you're afraid of your spouse *


by K.J. Ness
Domestic violence is often a silent killer. The abused spouse suffers not only the physical and emotional trauma of the abuse, but the misunderstanding of many who say, "Why don't you just leave?" Those of us who have not been in an abusive relationship have probably thought or said exactly that when we hear of someone staying with an abusive spouse. "Why doesn't she (or he) just leave?" 

*Statistics prove that the abused spouse is in greater danger of being killed after leaving the abuser. Should an abused spouse decide that it is time to leave the situation, it is imperative that the abused spouse have a plan of escape, especially when children are involved.* 

If you are afraid of your spouse becoming violent or if your spouse has already abused you, the following are some helpful tips for preparing to leave your spouse:

1. Contact your local Battered Women's Shelter or Men's Shelter to speak with a counselor about your plan to leave.

2. Confide in several close friends and family members about your decision and ask for their help in your plan. Perhaps they can take you in for several weeks to months, as needed. 

3. Make all plans as confidential as possible. Try to use library Internet access or public phones to make your plans. Most abusive spouses are also controlling and will most likely be monitoring your contact with the outside world to be sure that you aren't planning to leave. Hide your tracks as best you can.

4. Be sure that your plan is full proof and that your spouse will not be able to locate you after you leave. 

5. If you have children, be sure that they will not be alone at any time on their way to or from school. Take them with you should you choose to leave the state. 

6. Do what you can from a legal standpoint to ensure your safety. Call the police to report any abuse to establish a record of abuse. File for a restraining order to keep your abusive spouse away from you and your children. File for divorce and sole custody of your children. This may require the assistance of an attorney.

7. If necessary, change your identity and ask for the protection of local law enforcement to prevent your spouse from locating you. This may require the assistance of an attorney.

8. If possible, move away from the city and state where you lived with your spouse and arrange to begin a new life some place else.

All of the above-listed steps may sound overwhelming, but the better your plan, the more likely you are to succeed in leaving your abusive spouse. Remember, your decision to leave may place you (and your children) in greater physical danger and potentially in danger of being killed. It is, therefore, essential that you contact as many professionals as you can for advice before making such a monumental decision. Speak to counselors, lawyers, and police. 


Document your abuse and ask for help from your family, friends, and community.
*READ MORE*


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

PLEASE do what you need to do to get out of this relationship. Although it is none of my business, and you may interpret my concern as paranoid, but after one high school friend was murdered and another beaten unconscious, it is a very real thing for me. On one hand I don't want to frighten you, but on the other, I am very concerned about your situation.

(((HUGS)))

FZ1


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

GO!

You cannot help him, keep him safe or change him...take care of yourself.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thank you Foolz for all your information. I really appreciate all the assistance and the concern. I know it's better to be safe than sorry. 

I am worried, because he really doesnt have anyone else. I mean I think he thinks I am his whole world...and what do u do when you feel like your world is collapsing who knows what he might do. I keep convincing myself to stay just so I can keep the peace and not have to hurt anyone. Again thanks for all the information, I have talked to friends and family about all this stuff and they do know whats going on.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

He is the only one that can help himself...you have to realize that. The longer you attempt to be the anchor/savior...the longer you keep yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.

You cannot change him/help him. He will only use you to stay the same way, and never change. Provide him with information, let his friends/family know to check in on him...and then take care of yourself.

It would be different if he didn't make the physical threats towards you...but that is a game-changer.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

babyblues7 said:


> I am a bit worried thinking that my actions could cause him or me harm. How can I make sure he is taken care of as well as myself.


That is not the correct way to consider your situation. It sounds co-dependant.

Also, don't know much about your complete background with your relationship but I would tell you leaving is positively the best option at this point. One it will give him a mule kick wake up call. Two, you will get out of a environment that could be dangerous to YOU (not him). Don't think about the what if part of leaving, just leave for your own safety. Then you can at least move forward more on your own terms. Plus, if he has any ability to correct his behavior, this is where it will happen, if it is possible for him to change his behaviors.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

so, you're either no longer concerned he may hurt you

or you've decided you'll quietly accept the threats of violence....to keep the peace.

so another abusive husband bullies his wife into submission.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Don't stay, take everyones advice and get out of there. Have someone check on up on to make sure he's okay like the previous post.

If you submit and give in he will know that he has the upper hand. He will pull the same crap any time he wants his way and you never know if he will follow through. It's just not worth the risk. You life is too important. Get out. Let him realize his issues and hopefully he will take it upon himself to see a counselor and anger management coach.


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