# New here, need to unload



## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

I found out that my husband had been cheating on me 3 years ago. I found out because my daughter found emails on his computer. She told my other daughter and they came to me devastated. I've tried to shield them as much as possible since then.

Over the past 3 years, I found out that he had cheated a total of 4 times over 10 years. In the beginning, he yelled at me and asked me how I couldn't know. i guess I was busy raising the kids, and I had him up on a pedestal. I NEVER thought he could ever do this.

We've been to 2 different marriage counselors, and he has a therapist of his own. He went with me to the second counselor and told me that he never wanted to go back to her, basically because she made him face up to what he had done.

Things were extremely rough but I thought it was getting better. Then, I found texts and video of a girl he met through Instagram. That killed me. We went through therapy again. He knew he screwed up. I thought it wouldn't happen again. 

Now, he's reconnected with a college friend. He confides in her all the time, even about our marriage. I told him that it's none of her business. I found an email from her to him, totally inappropriate. She pretty much attacked me when I told her about our history, hoping that she would back off and let us try to work on our marriage alone. She told me that I wrong to butt in on his "private life". What? Private life? I thought I was his private life. Anyhow, he told me that he would tell her to stop communicating with him, and this hasn't stopped. He bought her flowers on Dec. 15 with a note that he said that he "liked her". He deleted his Facebook account, but they still follow each other on Instagram. She comments on his photos, it's almost like she's trying to rub it in my face that she's still talking to him. He also recently set up a Kik account. He knows that I check phone records, and Kik is a way around it. He can text her all he wants without me finding out.

Incredibly, I still want this to work. We've been in this marriage for 22 years, almost 23 years. I need to know what to do. He tells me that he loves me, he tells me that we need to move forward, but I'm having a hard time with that because he continues to have this relationship that I know is undermining, and basically destroying any progress in our marriage. I do not want to leave him, I don't want him to leave. I know that I sound pathetic and it's so scary to me that this has taken such a hold over me. There's so much more that has happened, but this is the gist of what's happened. I just need to know that I'm not alone, and that there are people out there that are dealing with the same thing I am.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Wow....I know you said you do not want to leave him but you must, for a while at least. Make him leave if you can. You need to show him you will not tolerate his cheating, his waywardness, his attention directing to other women.

Leave and don't come back until he is willing to end all contact with any woman, not have opposite sex friends, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no facebook, no instagram, kik etc nothing.

If you don't want to leave or you can't make him leave then stop clinging to him, stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop calling him, stop messaging him, just halt all your duties for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It tells the steps to take to get him to end all contact with her and return to the marriage. If he refuses to do those things then the marriage is over. 

You cannot make him do anything. What you can do is to change the way you interact with him. And then he might choose to end contact with her and work with you to build an affair proof marriage.

Do you know if this other woman is married? If she is be sure the send all of the communications you find between him and her to her husband.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have been married for 23 years too and I can tell you that if I had found this out about my husband I would be gone. There has been to much of it going on for way to long to think that he could change. Once, maybe but not likly, but this many times no way. 

He is showing that he can't be trusted by deleting his Facebook account nd by adding the Kik thing you are talking about. He does not seem to care about your feelings at all.

You deserve better than this. Your children do too and by accepting his behavior you are telling your girls that its OK for someone to do that to a spouse. It's absolutely not OK.


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It tells the steps to take to get him to end all contact with her and return to the marriage. If he refuses to do those things then the marriage is over.
> 
> You cannot make him do anything. What you can do is to change the way you interact with him. And then he might choose to end contact with her and work with you to build an affair proof marriage.
> 
> Do you know if this other woman is married? If she is be sure the send all of the communications you find between him and her to her husband.


I actually have this book and have read it. I'd like him to read it also but I don't know if I could convince him to do so. I think you're absolutely right when you say that I can't make him do anything. I've been trying to change the way I interact with him, hoping that he wouldn't need her anymore, just me.

She told me that she's in a committed 7+ year relationship, not married. That's a pretty funny way to show that you're committed (writing disgusting emails to another woman's husband). It kills me that he thinks she's so great. I've told him that it hurts me that he doesn't have my back on this.

Thanks for your advice, this forum is a great place.


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Wow....I know you said you do not want to leave him but you must, for a while at least. Make him leave if you can. You need to show him you will not tolerate his cheating, his waywardness, his attention directing to other women.
> 
> Leave and don't come back until he is willing to end all contact with any woman, not have opposite sex friends, no boys night out, no sleep overs, no facebook, no instagram, kik etc nothing.
> 
> If you don't want to leave or you can't make him leave then stop clinging to him, stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him, stop calling him, stop messaging him, just halt all your duties for him.


I can't leave. I think I'd completely fall apart. He's blamed me for the loss of his "friends", this is what he calls some of the females he's had affairs with. His guy friends aren't much better. They knew what was going on and encouraged it I told him that it's not my fault that these people are no longer his friends, it's his fault completely. He seemed to finally accept that.


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

d4life said:


> I'm sorry that you are going through this. I have been married for 23 years too and I can tell you that if I had found this out about my husband I would be gone. There has been to much of it going on for way to long to think that he could change. Once, maybe but not likly, but this many times no way.
> 
> He is showing that he can't be trusted by deleting his Facebook account nd by adding the Kik thing you are talking about. He does not seem to care about your feelings at all.
> 
> You deserve better than this. Your children do too and by accepting his behavior you are telling your girls that its OK for someone to do that to a spouse. It's absolutely not OK.


He deleted his Facebook account because this is where he was getting into trouble lately. He doesn't know that I know about his Kik account. He pretty much told me that I need to quit snooping. Everything I know about his affairs, he hasn't shared with me. I found out by snooping. I want to just stop snooping and pretend that all is good.

He's told me that I deserve better (in the therapist's office-she's a Mars & Venus therapist, she's very Venus). My older daughter knows of 2 of the affairs, we made up a lie and covered the whole thing up for my younger daughter. She is clueless. These are girls who are 16 and 18. My older daughter just knows that mom and dad are working things out. 

Thank you for being on my side. I haven't been able to talk to anybody I know because I'm hugely embarrassed about this. I always think that people would look at me as pathetic. I know it's probably wrong, but I think that people would think that something is wrong with me. That's why he needs other women so much. Just unloading here has lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. Thanks for listening.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He sounds like a typical cake-eater. Enjoys the benefits, comforts, and image of married life, all the while sleeping around.

You've tolerated it in the past and have given him every indication that you will continue to tolerate it. Why would he stop?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You do deserve better and that is why he needs to become better. There is no privacy when you are married. No space. Probably the only thing you can have is alone time but it is not private, or maybe restroom time.
You need to tell him how serious you are in not tolerating any waywardness or any unnecessary attention to another female.

He's already been guilty of cheating so he needs to know that his "privacy" privilege is gone forever.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> He sounds like a typical cake-eater. Enjoys the benefits, comforts, and image of married life, all the while sleeping around.
> 
> You've tolerated it in the past and have given him every indication that you will continue to tolerate it. Why would he stop?


I bet he won't if he sees no action from OP's side.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Your husband is a serial cheater. You have to kick him out the door. You cannot tolerate this. He needs to know you are serious. If you want to R he needs to go complete no contact, std test and you get to pick the MC. He does not get a say. If this still does not phase him file for D


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You do deserve better and that is why he needs to become better. There is no privacy when you are married. No space. Probably the only thing you can have is alone time but it is not private, or maybe restroom time.
> You need to tell him how serious you are in not tolerating any waywardness or any unnecessary attention to another female.
> 
> He's already been guilty of cheating so he needs to know that his "privacy" privilege is gone forever.


I wish. I told him that I can compromise on many things, just not other women. He told me that I shouldn't have to compromise on that. He says all of the right things, but a lot of times, his actions are the opposite. He thinks he is still entitled to privacy privileges. No one other than me has told him otherwise, and he obviously doesn't listen to me. Thanks for your support.


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

mahike said:


> Your husband is a serial cheater. You have to kick him out the door. You cannot tolerate this. He needs to know you are serious. If you want to R he needs to go complete no contact, std test and you get to pick the MC. He does not get a say. If this still does not phase him file for D


I know what you say is probably right. But I can't get myself to do it. I know. I'm stupid. I guess I have to live with it.

Funny thing is, I told my OBGYN about this and she had me get a full work-up. No STDs thankfully, but I was so sad and embarrassed that I had to do the walk of shame through the hospital for the tests. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "IT WASN'T ME!!! IT WAS HIM!" That was a really humiliating day. When I got home, he didn't understand why I was so bothered. He only "got it" when I explained, either that or he just didn't care.


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## kanashii (Dec 27, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> He sounds like a typical cake-eater. Enjoys the benefits, comforts, and image of married life, all the while sleeping around.
> 
> You've tolerated it in the past and have given him every indication that you will continue to tolerate it. Why would he stop?


I know. Why would he? I've made it quite easy for him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

When my son was 3, I caught him taking cookies from the cupboard. I told him not to "ok daddy I won't" (as he took yet another).

Your husband isn't 3 but he has the same attitude. As long as you continue to do essentially nothing of consequence he will continue to have innappropriate relationships.

You are acting more like an ineffective mommy to an unruly child than a full partner in a marriage.

It's like going to the dentist with a decayed tooth and insisting you want a pill instead of dental work because dental work is scary. So you keep trying different pills. And the decay gets worse and worse. 

More real pain than the dental work would ever be.

Go see a lawyer. Find out what his responsibilities are to you and your daughters.Get papers drawn up. Present them to your husband and tell him you want a real husband. Not a pretend husband. Tell him you will not mommy him again. He can do what he wants as a single man. If thats what he wants you may as well get rid of the decay now.

If he wants to be a real husband he needs to write no contact letters to his girl friends that very hour and show them to you. He needs to lose his enabling friends. He needs to appologize to you in the presence of your daughter that knows. 

Its not easy but it isn't the ordeal you fear either. Step into the light and start doing things that are right.


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## phlliphethe (Dec 25, 2012)

What you can do is to change the way you interact with him. And then he might choose to end contact with her and work with you to build an affair proof marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You need to lawyer up yesterday. Start envisioning a life with this entitled serial cheater.
The Unified Theory of Cake Plase, read the entire blog.

You need to detach immediately: implement, life the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180


Sorry man, he won't change.


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