# considering separating but-same house, separate bedrooms



## txgirl

hi all....

my husband kissed another woman... i have another thread on this.. but here is the thing i am wondering...

does anyone have experience on living together but separate bedrooms?? the only reason i am considering this is because of our 3 yr old daughter... and money of course.. right?? we can't afford to be separate... i haven't decided if it's really over, or if i even will allow him back so we can try to make this marriage work... but i was thinking of this as an alternative.

but i need some opinions and advice... just living in the same home.. no dating or anything with anybody else, just sharing a home and our daughters life, but separate bedrooms...

he works grave, and frequently would sleep in a spare bedroom... i am thinking of making it permanent. As i grew up, so many of my friends parents, and my grandparents, lived this way for decades. i don't know the reasons that they chose this way in their marriage, but they seemed happy enough in public at least...

please advise....

thank you!!!


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## TiredBob

We’ve been doing it for six or so months now, originally it was because one of us would have trouble sleeping, fidgeting or snoring so the other would go to the spare room to get some sleep but with the lack of intimacy it sort of became the norm to the point where I actually prefer it. Whether it is right or not I have no idea. I feel that sharing a bed when we’re going through such testing times would just be giving the wrong signals at this point in time.

I’ll tell you something honest though, waking up alone in a box room makes you have a long hard think about your life and where it is heading. I’ve spent numerous mornings sat on the edge of that tiny bed with my head in my hands thinking things over.


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## trey69

Personally I don't see how living in the same house would really work. If you're going to separate then neither of you need to live together, thats what a separation is. I would think being in the same house would makes things more difficult. Someone needs to bite the bullet and move out if a separation is what you're looking for.


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## golfergirl

trey69 said:


> Personally I don't see how living in the same house would really work. If you're going to separate then neither of you need to live together, thats what a separation is. I would think being in the same house would makes things more difficult. Someone needs to bite the bullet and move out if a separation is what you're looking for.


Depends on a lot. If I choose to separate from H, I'm looking for peace. No nagging, no tattling, whining, bossing.... Oh wait we're talking about you! Be prepared for relentless pursuit if you allow him in. He'll see it as a chance to change your mind - last chance - so he'll be relentless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

trey69 said:


> Personally I don't see how living in the same house would really work. If you're going to separate then neither of you need to live together, thats what a separation is. I would think being in the same house would makes things more difficult. Someone needs to bite the bullet and move out if a separation is what you're looking for.


:iagree: 

TO the OP, the only thing you can do is try. If you feel it might be a workable situation then give it a try, if not then you'll have to make another decision. I would think it would be hard to do as well. Children in the home will likely be able to feel the tension.


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## Kauaiguy

It's NOT an uncommon thing! But I will say that one of you (the one the didn't want the separation to begin with) will have a miserable time.

As some have quoted here in these forums: IT'S A LIVING HELL!


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## txgirl

thank you all so much... it is soooo hard to see out of this box i am in. i agree it will be hell for me.... my daughter is used to seeing him sleep in the other room, with his graveyard shift. he works midnight to 11 am, 5 days a week, and when home, he eats and goes straight to sleep. so as it is we barely see him.... its the weekends that would be rough i think...but i guess i could do my own thing and he watch our daughter... or i just don't know.... ugh!! this is soooooo hard!! like i said, i have witnessed this a lot, and it seemed to have worked in other marriages... but you never know what happens behind closed doors, or how much some of them may be suffering... any more opinions??? please


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## Locard

Careful what you ask for.


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## troy

In house separation for a year now and yes, its HELL.

Once you start sleeping in separate rooms the emotional separation will grow without a doubt, and the distance between the two of you will also grow. Its only a matter of time before you start thinking about divorce.

Its really bad for the kids too. I feel so ashamed for the example I am setting for my kids when I say good night to them and go to sleep in the room next to them, while their mom goes to sleep in her room. Same thing when I wake up in the morning.

After one year of this, I am completely fed up and one of us WILL be moving out very soon.

Sleeping in separate bedrooms is the beginning of the end.

My advice: set a time limit to the separate bedroom arrangement - say 2 months. Make it clear this is temporary and the reason for this is to give the both of you some space so you can figure out what you want to do for your future. After 2 months, time to make a decision, but do not drag this on, it will get worse, that is for sure.

In hindsight, I should have never moved out of the room, and we should have separated with someone moving out of the house. The kids would have been much better off also.


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## needmorehelp

we did it, and it just got worse. now when things get rough he leaves at any chance he can get. Exhibit A: He left last night and not sure if he is coming back at all. if you are done you are done. If not, Talk with him on how you can make it work. Counseling.... etc.


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## ClipClop

If there is any chance of r, do not do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy

I rest my case and yes ... Been there, Done that for at least 8 years. But it started out as when you get older, it gets harder and harder to sleep with someone who trashes about in bed.

You find yourself getting hit in the face with your spouse's arm or a leg across your stomach.

However, that's also when we started slowly separating although I didn't realize it at the time. But as time went by, it got to where we started doing things less and less together.

Our interests changed and the past 8 years, we were more like roommates than a married couple.

Things went from bad to worse and and end result was a divorce.

I think that a physical separation (at least in my case), living AWAY from each other would have been better. But that's hindsight.


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## ClipClop

What do you consider older? We are at the end of our forties.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amergin

When my wife first told me she was unhappy, our counselor suggested an in home separation. We were only supposed to talk about the kids and finances. It was a living hell for three months for me. My wife didn't seem to think there was anything wrong, other than I was miserable. I hated the feeling of being in the same room and not being able to talk if I wanted to, to share what was going on. Granted, it was both of our struggles with opening up to each other that led to this, but once it is gone, you reaqlize what you were missing out on. She didn't feel the same. After three months, I had to move out. We aren't divorced yet, but I sfeel that is where we will end up. Now, when we see each other, I don't even get a sense of warmth from her. I hate this! My best advice is to get into counseling and commit to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy

ClipClop said:


> What do you consider older? We are at the end of our forties.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmmm ... let's see .... I'm 69 ... so late 50's sounds about right.:scratchhead:


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## Limbonada

I'm currently living this. My husband did leave for almost 2 months and lived somewhere else, but was over to watch the kids a lot and yeah we couldn't afford the separation either, so I sleep in our room and he sleeps on the couch. I'm only "miserable" that we don't have the intimacy currently and we've always been very touchy feely people and now it's almost 6 months with nothing more than a hug. It's like I miss him and he's right there. Weird. So yeah, that sucks. We actually have been turning corners very slowly and don't fight, so there's really not so much in the tension area, but he's the one that wanted the separation so he's in control and he says he's still disapointed that the feelings are still so small and not as great as they use to be and he thinks we have a long way to go and will not go to counseling, nor set a time limit. I've told him that I worry about the kids getting the wrong idea or their hopes up because yeah, I don't see that it's effecting the kids negatively yet except for what I said above. They like having us both under the same roof. I dunno if I could do it for another 6 months though. It does wear at ya when it's not what you want.


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## onepotatotwo

This is kind of what I have going on too... I think we started separating a few months back when I created the pillow wall(tm).lol At first it was supposed to be to cut down on the snoring that was driving me insane, but it helped put a barrier between us that I found comforting. H hasn't liked it one bit from day one, but I think we look at it differently...He sees it as a visible demonstration that I want a separation/divorce, and I initially looked at it as just a tool to stop his snoring--but as our intimacy decreased and our emotional distance increased, I began to realize I was using it just like he said--as a way to show him I want a separation. It's true too--I feel "weird" if I were to roll over and have to look at him--It feels wrong or weird because he's like a stranger to me now...the enemy basically. I think the wall gives us some privacy so we don't have to look at one another during this terrible time.

I wish I had never bought this house--Had I not got sucked into taking out a mortgage, I would have left a long time ago and gotten my own house...but hindsight is 20/20. 

From what I hear, alot of people, more than anyone really realizes sleep separately from their spouse for one reason or another...mostly because they're unhappy with them but are "stuck" living with them.

I know the hell you're going through... Maybe your H will find it himself to want to turn things around for the sake of the kids


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## strongwomanof1984

I agree with just about everyone, lol.....Living together but being seperated is a living hell and it hurts 10 times worse. My example would be tonight....we always have family movie night once or twice a week with our three kids, oh our seperation period JUST began a few days ago, and he was constantly texting his girl friend the whole time, to the point where i had to get up and leave the room.....it hurts unbelievable bad......


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## calif_hope

Let me get this straight, he kissed a girl! He kissed a girl! I know that him doing that is very painful but your response to his MISDEED seems to me a bit over the top and dramatic. Not saying their shouldn't be consequences....their has to be more to this. In my humble view after reading your post you're are heading your marriage to more damage which should get you the divorse you seem to want. He kissed a girl!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily

calif_hope said:


> Let me get this straight, he kissed a girl! He kissed a girl! I know that him doing that is very painful but your response to his MISDEED seems to me a bit over the top and dramatic. Not saying their shouldn't be consequences....their has to be more to this. In my humble view after reading your post you're are heading your marriage to more damage which should get you the divorse you seem to want. He kissed a girl!?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some people have boundaries and it could be him kissing someone else might have been what did it for her. Who knows, perhaps the kissing could lead to something more, bottom line his lips shouldn't be on someone else, not while married.


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## calif_hope

CallaLilly, I acknowledged that in my post. I am not condoning what the idiot did, and she never put the kiss into a context of immediate physical acts. And, I acknowledge personal boundaries, limits, and codes. What I was saying is that her reaction seems overboard for his action (his wrong action), I suspect more is going on. Seems to me, MC is appropriate, and adult conversation to make sure the idiot understands the appropriate behavior for a married man, but separation. I believe her thinking is only going to create more wounds and scar tissue making a LT marriage difficult. A bit a me suspects she wanted to end her marriage prior to the 'kiss' and he handed her the ammunition or something is missing from her story. Give him a good kick in the a--, read him the riot act and tattoo the rules into his brain, maybe see a MC and start healing and rebelling trust, keep it simple, no major drama, get off the detour and get back in the same road. Not making light of the issue, if she said he kissed a dude, that would be a different story, manditory IC fir him to figure himself out before moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OomYaaqub

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having separate bedrooms. A lot of very happily married couples do it for practical reasons (snoring, coming in late like your husband, etc.) or just because they need their space! Believe me, your daughter won't care; it certainly beats having the parents go their separate ways so she hardly ever sees her daddy. You may or may not decide to try to rekindle your marriage. I hope you do, but for now it sounds like the best short term solution.


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## lovegreen

I agree same house seperation is not a good idea....to much tension...somes awkward feeling being in same room...I have been living that for the past...few years...yep..Its sad to realize that your mate could care less to get help/work on the marriage....communication is a major determination as to whether a marriage survives... I now think I need a more defined seperation...Sorry rambling here...Loneliness is everyones fear during seperation...if communication is part of problem...arent you already lonely...???


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## Lon

For the last year and a half of marriage I moved to the spare bed because my severe breathing problems were keeping her (and, uh, me) from getting restless sleep. It was a big mistake because we just used it as a means to ignore the relationship, intimacy and sex dwindled to nothing, we're getting divorced now and I KNOW that not sleeping separately would probably have prevented things from getting bad to the point they got.


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