# Engagement ring not purchased for me.



## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

I am having a VERY hard time with something I just found out. I have been engaged for 1 year to a man I love more than anything in the world. He asked me to marry him a few months after we met. Prior to me, he had a very long term on-again/off-again relationship with a woman that is still a "friend" of his today. He has told me repeadly that he never cared to marry her and that he was waiting for his soul mate (me) to come along. Anyway, I stumbled upon a reciept for my ring the other day, and the date of purchase was just DAYS prior to us meeting for the very first time. I am devastated!! I have not told him I know yet. The ring I loved so much before is now a heartache for me everytime I look at it. I think it hurts more that he LIED to me. I asked him recently "How soon did you get my ring after you met me?" and he stumbled around saying he couldn't remember exactally. That was his chance to come clean! 

*My question is: *HOW do I confront him? How upset should I be?

(btw-I am mid 30's, he is middle aged) I am heartsick.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

How do you confront him?

"Hey I found this reciept, care to have a talk about it?"

If he bought the ring before he met you, and you want to keep the relationship. It's time to go ring shopping and catch the after Christmas sales.

On sale=good.

Recycled=Bad.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mistys dad;538290
Recycled=Bad.[/QUOTE said:


> true.
> i bought my exgf a ring just days before she broke up with me.
> i live in the states and she in australia.
> i was going to give it to her at thanksgiving when she came back.
> ...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Mistys dad said:
> 
> 
> > Easy to do a trade in or trade up.
> ...


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

This should be addressed before you get married. This should be discussed now! You have to tell him you found the receipt and discuss how a re-cycled ring is not feeling right. This will not go away by itself address now!


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

You are so right that it has to be address before we get married. I needed to be told that! THANK YOU. And as simple as "Hey, I found this receipt, let's talk about it" sounds, I didn't even consider that. I was thinking of all these dramatic senarios, like trying to get him to walk into more lies while I withheld the fact that I knew the truth. 

I guess I am really afraid to hear confirmation that it really was for her and that he was going to ask her to marry him just before he met me. I think I am in denial (I even told myself "maybe he bought it as an investment"...am I nuts?!!) I need to stop the denial, and be ready for the answer! He choose me, I need to remember that fact. 

And I WILL tell him that I want to trade it in on another ring that we pick out together. HEY...I just realized: He might actually be RELIEVED when I confront him! Maybe he was "thinking like a typical man" and thought it was no big deal since the ex never got it, then realized "oh s**t" when he had to lie about it. 

Thanks guys, you gave me the courage to confront him without drama.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Why would you confront him? Maybe he should have told you the truth, but he was only trying to make you happy. Ignorance is bliss. He though what would be the harm? Making him buy a new ring just for some false sense of ego only makes the stores happy. He only has a limited amount of money, and that money would be better spent on the wedding, the honeymoon, or your home.

Also, confront him at your peril. It was a perfectly good ring that he will have to sell back to the store for less than 1/2 of what he will pay buying another one just like it. As a guy, I would get you a new ring but I would be annoyed that you made me throw away our money when we could have used it better doing other things. I will know this about you and it would not make for happy thoughts.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

Dear TRy: I was avoiding saying this since I thought I would sound like a "poor little rich girl" and people wouldn't give me honest feedback, but he does have a lot of money. This ring is 6+ carats, custom original by a famous designer and cost more than most people's homes (I feel very uncomfortable wearing it and people stare at me/it everywhere I go), so please don't feel sorry for him!! This middle class gal would be much happier with a dose of honesty and a ring half the size (or less!). 
Most women chased him because of the wallet, but I could care less, which is why I think he choose me. Hey, maybe he thought I would just be happy it was so big. He messed up there! That said, it's been an eye opener for me. Things are not always what they seem. You might see a huge rock on someone's hand and think they have it so good, but there's pain in their heart, unless the woman is a gold digger, then she's just happy she's got the rock and could care less the circumstances of how it came to her, lol! Thanks all!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess I'm not so hung up on these sorts of things. He was probably very happy and proud to finally have found a woman worthy of the beautiful ring he had made for his bride. 

I would keep the ring. He gave it to you, and when you marry and have children.. It will become an important family heirloom. 

Whether he’s rich or not, saying that an amount that is more than most people’s homes is ok to just discard is very troublesome.

If it really does bother you, why not keep the stones and just have a new setting made with them? A setting that is of your choosing?


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

You are overreacting. He gave the ring to you, not someone else. Who cares when he bought it.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

EleGirl: There is a little more to it. This other woman keeps trying to get him away from me, she pretends like I don't exist and constantly shows up at places she knows he'll be without me, give's him cute notes and cards, gifts, etc. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings because of their long history and she's a little nutty and starts drama/arguements with everyone (which he and all his friends constantly tell me "she's crazy"). 

I hate to admit that he somehow feels "responsible" for her, like a big brother looking out for crazy sister. I don't get it really and I am baffled, BAFFLED I tell you:scratchhead:, why he was going to propose to her given everything I have heard about this woman, which is why I am even on this forum (never met her, she avoids me like the plague), but I am secure enough that he loves me that it's not worth throwing away our relationship for. 

She is very angry that she put in all the "time and effort", YEARS, with him (he used her like a "personal assistant", she hung in there even while he had multiple relationships with other women while they were on-again/off-again, making her look like a fool all over town), but he asked me to marry him just months after meeting me. She keeps telling everyone I am a "phase" and that she will be there when I get tired of him (!!). He's in his 50's, never been married, and his parents, brothers, and friends have welcomed me with open arms and all thanked me for bringing never seen before joy and love to his life (none of them, I mean NONE of them like her or socialize with her). 

So hopefully this explains why I don't want a ring that is connected to this awful woman (and why he has some explaining to do! It took him meeting me to realize she's crazy??? That just doesn't make sense to me, but I preparing to brace myself for his response!). 

I will go into the fancy schmancy store and get it traded for a similar ring that I like, that I will cherish, that I can pass down to my daughter one day. I can't take this one apart since a lot of the value is in the design, not just the stones. Wish me luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

\


isitforreal said:


> EleGirl: There is a little more to it. This other woman keeps trying to get him away from me, she pretends like I don't exist and constantly shows up at places she knows he'll be without me, give's him cute notes and cards, gifts, etc. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings because of their long history and she's a little nutty and starts drama/arguements with everyone (which he and all his friends constantly tell me "she's crazy").
> 
> I hate to admit that he somehow feels "responsible" for her, like a big brother looking out for crazy sister. I don't get it really and I am baffled, BAFFLED I tell you:scratchhead:, why he was going to propose to her given everything I have heard about this woman, which is why I am even on this forum (never met her, she avoids me like the plague), but I am secure enough that he loves me that it's not worth throwing away our relationship for.
> 
> ...


You will only get a 50% trade-in value, if you are lucky, at that fancy schmancy store.

As for her being crazy… you have never met her. You only know what he and his friends tell you. There is always the chance that he is leading her on. His not putting his foot down and doing a complete no-contact with her is leading her on at this point. He is showing gross disrespect for you by allowing this game to continue with her.

Let’s see, he used her like a personal assistant and had lots of other women. He’s 50 and has never married. He was with her for years but now he says she’s crazy? I have a real problem with people who bad mouth their ex’s. My thought I always: “So what will he say of me when he’s done with me?”

While you are putting so much thought and effort into that ring, you really need to put twice as much into all the red flags you just posted about.

Oh I do wish you luck. You will need it!!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I cant agree more with the previous poster. He is at least 15 years older than you. It is unusual for people not to go for the 'money'. I would be very careful about 'upsetting' him.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

EleGirl: I have had all of these concerns, still do. I don't doubt she is crazy given all I'm heard from various sources, but I am so confused about why he doesn't cut her loose "put his foot down" like you say, even when all his friends tell him he should be doing so!! I agree with you, and I have used the EXACT words "you're leading her on" and "why are you letting her disrespect our relationship" many times in the past few months. It lead to he and I discussing how he needs to establish better "boundaries" with her. He agreed and we discussed some terms, but I think I compromised too much and she is still too close! Working out with him at the gym 2x a week??

Hmmm... you're right, these are all thought's I've had, and I feel red flags. Maybe I love him so much I have been in denial. Maybe he thinks that since he is in a position of wealth/power that he deserves to have his cake and eat it too, and I'm letting him!! She obviously has no dignity or self respect, but I sure do and I won't live with heartache for the sake of a man, regardless of how much I love him. 

I don't like to give ultimatums, so what should I do? What are good boundaries? I feel like we have too much good between us to walk away from things now. Maybe pre-marriage counciling thru the church will help. We are both Christians, and I know they are going to say that he should not be allowing another woman that close to us.

Got any objective advice or references/resources for me? 
Wish me luck, pray for me, whatever, I do need it!


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

accept: what do you mean upsetting him?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IsIt,
Two distinct but related issues. Both emotionally important to you, but one of them is in a league of its own in terms of importance. 

As for the ring - definitely best to mention that you found the receipt and noticed the date was before you met. You can just make the factual statement and let him talk. I am sure you will work that out. 

As for his ex - it is not a negative reflection on him that they had a volatile on and off R, and he dated others during periods they were "off". BUT it is a difficult situation that you are BOTH now in. He ABSOLUTELY feels guilty for her current situation. And that shows he has a conscience. For the moment you and he should think about her well being. 

The key question that needs answering is whether she is actively dating. Because if she is not doing so, then his twice weekly workouts with her are enabling her to cling to the flawed idea that she still has a shot. If she is not actively dating, his continuing to see her is actually hurting her chances of moving on in life. In a way he is enabling her delusion that they might still end up together. 

For her sanity, he really ought to gently disengage from seeing her over time. 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.



isitforreal said:


> EleGirl: I have had all of these concerns, still do. I don't doubt she is crazy given all I'm heard from various sources, but I am so confused about why he doesn't cut her loose "put his foot down" like you say, even when all his friends tell him he should be doing so!! I agree with you, and I have used the EXACT words "you're leading her on" and "why are you letting her disrespect our relationship" many times in the past few months. It lead to he and I discussing how he needs to establish better "boundaries" with her. He agreed and we discussed some terms, but I think I compromised too much and she is still too close! Working out with him at the gym 2x a week??
> 
> Hmmm... you're right, these are all thought's I've had, and I feel red flags. Maybe I love him so much I have been in denial. Maybe he thinks that since he is in a position of wealth/power that he deserves to have his cake and eat it too, and I'm letting him!! She obviously has no dignity or self respect, but I sure do and I won't live with heartache for the sake of a man, regardless of how much I love him.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

isitforreal said:


> EleGirl: I have had all of these concerns, still do. I don't doubt she is crazy given all I'm heard from various sources, but I am so confused about why he doesn't cut her loose "put his foot down" like you say, even when all his friends tell him he should be doing so!! I agree with you, and I have used the EXACT words "you're leading her on" and "why are you letting her disrespect our relationship" many times in the past few months. It lead to he and I discussing how he needs to establish better "boundaries" with her. He agreed and we discussed some terms, but I think I compromised too much and she is still too close! Working out with him at the gym 2x a week??


Let’s see, he says that she is crazy but then he works out with her twice a week???? I can see why she thinks you are just a phase and she will get him back. He’s certainly not telling her anything different. My bet is that he’s loving the attention of two women fighting over him. And yes at this point, even though you have not met her, the two of you are fighting over him in his eyes… he’s put you in that position. 

This is a man who is used to having his way with women.. lots of woman. I am not trying to be mean.. but I really think that you are not a ‘match’ for him… meaning that you do not have the strength to stand up to him and set boundaries that will lead to a strong, healthy marriage.



isitforreal said:


> Hmmm... you're right, these are all thought's I've had, and I feel red flags. Maybe I love him so much I have been in denial. Maybe he thinks that since he is in a position of wealth/power that he deserves to have his cake and eat it too, and I'm letting him!! She obviously has no dignity or self respect, but I sure do and I won't live with heartache for the sake of a man, regardless of how much I love him.


If he is as wealthy as you say he is, he is used to having his cake and eating it too. That’s what wealth and power are about. Well, so far you are not showing that strength. He might make a good husband IF he will realize what it takes to make one. But right now he does not get it.



isitforreal said:


> I don't like to give ultimatums, so what should I do? What are good boundaries? I feel like we have too much good between us to walk away from things now. Maybe pre-marriage counciling thru the church will help. We are both Christians, and I know they are going to say that he should not be allowing another woman that close to us.


Yep, he should not be allowing her that close to him or her disrespecting you.


isitforreal said:


> Got any objective advice or references/resources for me?


Here’s my advice to you. Get the books that I’m listing here. Read them, you can do this as a quick overview. Then get with him and the two of you read them. Take turns reading the chapters to each other. After each chapter, do the work that the chapter says to do… do this together. The process with give the two of you a way to discuss what each of you want and it will teach you both what marriage is and what is needed. There are other good books on that web site as well. I would also suggest that the two of you look into the Engagement Encounters that Dr. Harley holds. I want to give each of my 3 children a trip to the encounter as a wedding present when they get engaged.. that’s how much I think that the Marriage Builder’s (MB) program works.

I Promise You. preparing for a marriage that will last a lifetime

Five Steps to Romantic Love


If he will put that much effort into your engagement and marriage preparation he just might be the right guy for you. And through this process he will learn that he cannot keep his ex around as he is doing. Ending all contact with toxic ex’s is part of what the MB program teaches. If you can also get some phone marriage coaching from Dr. Harley it would be very good too. He could help you with all of this.


isitforreal said:


> Wish me luck, pray for me, whatever, I do need it!


I wish you luck and will pray for you.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

great advice 11363. 

I have said something along those lines to him before, but I like the way you put it. Actually, I am going to print this out (from the point "As for the ex" all the way down to "cruel to be kind") and share with him. I didn't express here that he has a HUGE conscience, but I am glad you picked up on that. He feels guilty for dumping her. I'm sure that is compounded by the fact that he was right on the edge of giving her everything she ever wanted from him (a ring). But fate had him meet me just days before. If their relationship was that weak, then it wasn't meant to be for them, and I know he knows that (18 years down the drain for a woman he just met?). 

I think I need to push on the fact that his "helping" her is "hurting" her in the long run. She still very much believes they wil end up together. I told him that he cannot make both of us happy. It feels like 3 in the relationship. It's been 1 year and I have been patient with the situation, but time for this thing to be settled. I think the church pre-marriage counciling will help a lot. He gives a lot of weight to God's word, but has just never had to think about the perspective of a wife. If he wants to keep me, whom he calls "the love of his life", he will have to put my well being and our relationship ahead of this other woman's feelings. If he can't do that, then the ring is a non-issue! (I'm sure this other woman would happily wear it straight off my finger, lol! ok, that was mean, but a little true too.) 

Thanks all...this was better than paid for therapy!


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

Thank you EleGirl, I will take all of that advice! MUCH APPRECIATED!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What I meant was simply upsetting him over a ring!
Not that its not a big thing. A 6+ carat the mind boggles. My wife never even got a whole carat! Dont confront him. He thinks you dont know and will never find out let it lie. If you must not before the wedding. You have competition, dont make 'light' of it. 'Forcing' your H about it wont help. You have to prove that youre so good that he shouldnt have second thoughts about you and can 'dump' her.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would discuss this without getting upset. Take a few days and cool off. Trade in the ring for one you like. I've upgraded my wedding band a few years ago, just because I didn't like my first set I picked out. I want to change it again, but keep all the diamonds and put it into a solid setting. The newer setting I have, the gold is wearing down at the bottom of the ring and will eventually break. Go figure. I think the jewelers intended for it to be this way for repeat business or didn't want to use more gold then they had to. My SIL had to have her wedding rings reset for the same reason, her set actually wore down in 10 years where it broke. Your husband probably didn't understand that this would emoitionally hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Quite frankly, you don't know he bought that ring for her. Maybe he just loved the ring when he saw it or had an idea of what he though would be a beautiful engagement ring and decided he would purchase it for the future. He gave the ring to YOU. He never gave the ring to anyone else. It means something special to him. and it did to you until recently. I believe you are offbase here.

Now the other woman is a different story. He is with you now and the ex should be out of his life completely


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IsIt,
I love the idea of marriage counselling. Think of this as a two step process. You take him through the discussion one on one. He is likely going to want to "process it". You can end the conversation with this: 
"If you need to hear this from an objective professional - I can understand and accept that. If that is the case, we will revisit this at the start of our pre-marriage counseling sessions". 

Because the counselor/pastor/priest will take your side on this. And then he can tell her with: 
"This came up in my pre-marital" counseling and the counselor - who does this for a living - made it clear that continuing to see you and getting married are in DIRECT CONFLICT with one another. And they will also help him with his guilt. 

One key point here. You are clearly VERY sane and stable. Even under duress. Please understand something. That is one of the things he loves about you. So be firm, but continue to be calm about this. 

I think you have shown him a lot of love and patience and commitment by accepting this for a year. A bit longer - the counselor helps him deal with his guilt - and you likely get to a good outcome. 





isitforreal said:


> great advice 11363.
> 
> I have said something along those lines to him before, but I like the way you put it. Actually, I am going to print this out (from the point "As for the ex" all the way down to "cruel to be kind") and share with him. I didn't express here that he has a HUGE conscience, but I am glad you picked up on that. He feels guilty for dumping her. I'm sure that is compounded by the fact that he was right on the edge of giving her everything she ever wanted from him (a ring). But fate had him meet me just days before. If their relationship was that weak, then it wasn't meant to be for them, and I know he knows that (18 years down the drain for a woman he just met?).
> 
> ...


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Who else thinks there is no way the OP gives up a 6 carat diamond ring and that, perhaps, the size of the ring and of his wallet does matter? Somehow, I don't think if he went out and got her a 2 carat ring after this that it would suffice, although a 2 carat ring would still be bigger than 95% of the center stones that other brides have.

#SizeMatters


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## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

Can't tell you what to do with your guy, but when it comes to upgrading your ring, do yourself a favor and ask the fine folks over at pricescope.com/forum. They will be able to advise you more accurately.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

lol... 



EleGirl said:


> While you are putting so much thought and effort into that ring, you really need to put twice as much into all the red flags you just posted about.


100% dead-on, EleGirl!




Isitforreal, even if a new ring was purchased between the two of you together, at a jewelry store, what if that "brand new" ring was really traded in by someone who returned it from a tragically failed engagement, and all of this was unknown to you and him? What if he knew but you didn't? What if both of you knew? What if his friend had bought it, not him, and sold it to him? What if his friend didn't charge him and just gave it to him? What if it was bought at 50% off? What if he found it on the street?

What if he HAD RETURNED the original ring, which you never saw, then ring-shopping with you one day for a new one you pick the nicest one you find and, to his shock, it is the identical ring he had returned once from his ex?

I'm sorry this is ridiculous. It's a freaking piece of metal, a materialistic appeal, no matter how the argument is decorated with thoughts of "intention" or "meant for someone else." It's worth a lot of money, and he could have returned it or given it to someone else but he gave it to you.

You may have other concerns about your husband that are worthy of your attention, but this ring thing is stupid I think.

Sad that there are some guys out there that may be treating their wives badly but the wife will care about the ring she has. That's absurd.

You need to enforce your boundaries, as any spouse should, and I'd like to ask what's so wrong about ultimatums. No one "likes" to give them, but sometimes we have to.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> For her sanity, he really ought to gently disengage from seeing her over time.
> 
> Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.


Indeed.


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## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> I'm sorry this is ridiculous. It's a freaking piece of metal, a materialistic appeal


I am sorry, I don't understand the rationale behind minimizing the emotional value of an engagement ring. I have noticed that other posters have basically stated as much. I don't mean to come off as glib here either. It's an honest question. I'd like to think of myself as a rational person who is not overly sentimental and I feel that having a ring that you will potentially spend years looking at should be "mind clean" in every way. Am I in the minority


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

no matter what spin you put on it, its still just very tacky.
i could never do anything like this.

as far as the girl, he needs to stop all contact. period.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

TallE said:


> I am sorry, I don't understand the rationale behind minimizing the emotional value of an engagement ring. I have noticed that other posters have basically stated as much. I don't mean to come off as glib here either. It's an honest question. I'd like to think of myself as a rational person who is not overly sentimental and I feel that having a ring that you will potentially spend years looking at should be "mind clean" in every way. Am I in the minority


No, I see what you're saying, but he didn't exactly throw it at her and walk away. It was a special moment, presumably, so does the origin matter? I bet no one would be so quick to call for the purchase of a new ring if he had told her it was originally owned by Cleopatra instead, even though in the same case it would be second-hand.

It's rubbing the OP raw because it was MEANT for someone else... Well, "What" was meant for someone else? A piece of metal? She can very well address that issue with him but it's NOT a priority when there are serious NON-material issues going on that are more important.

To see someone whose husband is acting this way complain about a ring makes it easy to stereotype women whose husbands have money.

The OP should relegate the issue for now and priortize the intangible, the real "emotional" issues like the ex-issues in my opinion. That's what I meant, and I could see your point too.

Without understating the material appeal, yes, it may be tacky, but the material concerns should still fall under the other ones, speaking sensibly.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

TallE said:


> I am sorry, I don't understand the rationale behind minimizing the emotional value of an engagement ring. I have noticed that other posters have basically stated as much. I don't mean to come off as glib here either. It's an honest question. I'd like to think of myself as a rational person who is not overly sentimental and I feel that having a ring that you will potentially spend years looking at should be "mind clean" in every way. Am I in the minority




That is a very good way to put it. To me it's not just a piece of metal, it is a symbol of a promise. It should be "mind clean". No one should have to look at their ring and have a negative feeling connected to it. It suppose it really just depends on the person though. There is no right or wrong answer.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Would the symbol of promise be the same if there was no diamond on it? If it was a piece of plastic? 

You'd be happy with a 3 carat ring? Wow. 

Diamond engagement rings are a 20th century marketing invention. 
How's that for symbolism? Your desire for such a ring was *created* by a bunch of ad executives a few decades ago trying to make money. 

Symbolism: I'd like a new diamond and thus be part of the demand for an asset whose supply chain is, in almost every case, tainted with blood.

Even if the new diamond ISNT a blood diamond (anywhere down the chain, and not just in the place of final shipment to the States), shouldn't that symbolism rub you the wrong way?

Don't get me wrong - this guy and his contacts with the ex make me extremely distrustful. But I can only take so many First World Problems.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

All: Well I have a huge update on this issue. I confronted him about everything and we have decided to fix our issues and continue with our future together. 

Regarding the ring: When I told him I saw the receipt and asked him "were you going to ask her to marry you?" he sighed and said: _"Ok, here's the story. I was going through a period of feeling guilty about how long she had been there always doing everything for me, and I knew that a ring is what would make her happy. I went to the store to look at rings and that was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I bought it, let it sit in the drawer for 6 months _(*note: the receipt I found dated just days before we met was for the final payment, he actually had posession of the ring for 6 months). _I just couldn't do it, I couldn't ask her. I was going to return it, and the guy at the store talked me into keeping it for it's future value. Then I met you, and it became clear to me why I had bought that ring. It was always meant for you". _

Yes everyone, I WILL be keeping this ring. I told him I thought that was sweet and he should have just told me. 

Now, regarding the other woman: Without going into extreme detail, I basically told him everything that was covered here in this chain, about how he was disrespecting our relationship and being selfish, etc. I also told him that I think it was pretty crappy that he used her like that for so long and that he should have done the right thing a long time ago and cut her loose so she could have her own life. His guilt about that came out during our comversation. (I noted that she has to take some responsibility for that too since she decided to stay). I told him that by continuing to lead her on today, he is not "making it up to her" and he is just continuing the cycle of letting her think there is still a chance for them one of these days. I told him he needs to let her go, so she can move on and have a life, and *more importantly for us*, for the sake of our relationship, because I will not continue our relationship feeling like there is 3 of us in it. 
He said he had no idea he was hurting me so bad and that he had no idea this was all going on in my head (note: I confronted him about this before, albeit a little less indirectly, and I thought I was clear, but I think he needed to hear "I am leaving you if you do not get her out of our lives". 

Then I found out that she is moving across the country to be closer to a family member, which will hopefully help matters even more. 

We agreed to do pre-marriage counciling too. I told him that I still do not trust him 100% on this and that I am going to need some occasional reassurance until this situation goes away, and he understood and said that he will make this right. 

Hopefully it will get better from here, and I feel very much more in control now that I confronted him. I could sense that he appreciated my strength to confront him the way that I did. I did it rational, and factual, not crazy and jealous. All relationships have to be challenged at some point in order to show their strength, and this was our first BIG test. 

(By the way 'SoWhat'- It is a "certified conflict free diamond", the ONLY way I would have it.)


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The guy's smooth. Be careful, be VERY careful.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The guy's smooth. Be careful, be VERY careful.


Damn smooth... I would smell that malarky a mile away! But then again... I'm older... wiser... 

My two cents... doesn't matter the 'past' about the ring. An engagement ring is meant to be considered and purchased for the bride to be with her completely and solely in mind... I agree with the 'clean mind' concept. Doesn't matter if its a 3 carat rock... or a popcan tab...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I believe the story about the ring and I have a very good bullsh!t meter. 

You handled this whole thing very well. 






isitforreal said:


> All: Well I have a huge update on this issue. I confronted him about everything and we have decided to fix our issues and continue with our future together.
> 
> Regarding the ring: When I told him I saw the receipt and asked him "were you going to ask her to marry you?" he sighed and said: _"Ok, here's the story. I was going through a period of feeling guilty about how long she had been there always doing everything for me, and I knew that a ring is what would make her happy. I went to the store to look at rings and that was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I bought it, let it sit in the drawer for 6 months _(*note: the receipt I found dated just days before we met was for the final payment, he actually had posession of the ring for 6 months). _I just couldn't do it, I couldn't ask her. I was going to return it, and the guy at the store talked me into keeping it for it's future value. Then I met you, and it became clear to me why I had bought that ring. It was always meant for you". _
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RoseRed said:


> Damn smooth... I would smell that malarky a mile away! But then again... I'm older... wiser...
> 
> My two cents... doesn't matter the 'past' about the ring. An engagement ring is meant to be considered and purchased for the bride to be with her completely and solely in mind... I agree with the 'clean mind' concept. Doesn't matter if its a 3 carat rock... or a popcan tab...


The story just doesn't add up. He "fell in love" with the ring when he saw it yet it was a custom design. That means drawings, a wax rendering and finally the finished product. Also, I don't know a single man on Earth who buys an engagement ring because he fell in love with it for some projected future proposal to a woman he hasn't met yet. No way. 
Regardless, he is slick and despite you asking him earlier to stop contact with his female friend, he continued anyways saying he didn't realize it bothered you. I'd be very careful if I were you. Also, him proposing to you a few months after meeting screams red flags to me.....and not in a whirlwind romance kind of way either.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Damn smooth... I would smell that malarky a mile away! But then again... I'm older... wiser...


Are you THAT sure? OP is definitely doing the right thing now, but the cynic in me read all that and thinks she should not consider her efforts completed yet of course... Very sad if he is THAT much of a BSer.




RoseRed said:


> My two cents... doesn't matter the 'past' about the ring. An engagement ring is meant to be considered and purchased for the bride to be with her completely and solely in mind... I agree with the 'clean mind' concept. Doesn't matter if its a 3 carat rock... or a popcan tab...


Yes, but she might have bigger fish to fry?


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> Would the symbol of promise be the same if there was no diamond on it? If it was a piece of plastic?
> 
> You'd be happy with a 3 carat ring? Wow.
> 
> ...


So the diamond is "Certified conflict-free" because it was advertised as such... Like they would direct you, "Here, madam, are our conflict diamonds. They have the red stickers to separate them from the conflict-free's and they are 20% off. With a paystub that proves you are employed by a firearms manufacturer we will add another 20% off the already reduced conflict diamond price."

First World Problems... lol

"My smartphone sucks. It always changes "lol" to "LOL," making me sound overexcited."

"My LED TV is too thin to fit my Wii sensor."

"I wore dirty clothes to work today. The washing machine took quarters but all I have are twenties."

"At work I am forced to use Internet Explorer."

"OMG, they moved my seat at the Mercedes dealer... It will take me forever to have it the way I like again."


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Also, him proposing to you a few months after meeting screams red flags to me.....and not in a whirlwind romance kind of way either.


I am not going say that this is what this gentleman did, so please don't interpret the next statement that way.

That being said, now, the quick-proposal-ring-bit rarely works for the guys who are financially lacking. It certainly worked for this guy. Well... Moving on...

Anyhow, I pray that there is a lot more quality to this guy and gal than what the default stereotypes are about this whole situation. 

No one wants to see the OP hurt of course.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

IsIt,
There sure is a lot of negative noise on this post about your man. You want to know how straight he is? Simple way to find out. Ask him to write a nice, polite, it can even be "kind" in tone - NO CONTACT letter to his ex. It will do 2 things:
1. remove any question in her mind as to where things stand
2. remove any desire she has to "return" from afar in the hopes of catching him at a weak moment

If he says "she is leaving anyway - I don't need to do that - I think you have a problem". Because "leaving" in todays world doesn't mean she wont come back and visit. He is either willing to face this demon or he isn't. If he IS, then he is the real deal. 






isitforreal said:


> All: Well I have a huge update on this issue. I confronted him about everything and we have decided to fix our issues and continue with our future together.
> 
> Regarding the ring: When I told him I saw the receipt and asked him "were you going to ask her to marry you?" he sighed and said: _"Ok, here's the story. I was going through a period of feeling guilty about how long she had been there always doing everything for me, and I knew that a ring is what would make her happy. I went to the store to look at rings and that was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I bought it, let it sit in the drawer for 6 months _(*note: the receipt I found dated just days before we met was for the final payment, he actually had posession of the ring for 6 months). _I just couldn't do it, I couldn't ask her. I was going to return it, and the guy at the store talked me into keeping it for it's future value. Then I met you, and it became clear to me why I had bought that ring. It was always meant for you". _
> 
> ...


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