# Wanting separation from wife after 4 years and 1 child



## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

We married in 2017. At the time I didn't want to be married but she had said that guys who date for years and never ask their partner to marry them should just break up. This should have been my first warning. I told her I never wanted kids and she questioned that to hell and back and said she would resent me if we didn't. One day she got pregnant. Unprotected, sans birth control - can't blame her and I have no proof oh malice. Our daughter was born August 2020 and I absolutely love and adore her. I was financially unintelligent and was not working towards a better future when we first got together so it felt good to have someone supporting me after years of abuse. She wanted to be in control of finances so I allowed it because my track record showed I was not the best. Now in 2021 she has replaced the voice in my head as the negative speaker that talks down to me because she does, in fact, talk down to me. Everything has to be her way and if she doesn't understand it, she will belittle me for thinking unlike her. I don't want to be in this relationship any longer. But I still want to be able to see my daughter. I don't want to get kicked out or have the finances we've worked to build together, we both have full time jobs, taken 100% away from me since I know I've put in my fair share. This week was one of the last nails in the coffin and I am struggling. I know I've jumped around and probably not given the more informative story but if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I was abused by my uncle when I was a child. I refused to be abused by my now-wife as an adult.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You shouldn't lose 100% of the marital assets. The division of marital assets can vary. Look up if your state is community property or equitable distribution. I'd suggest speaking to a lawyer and see where you stand financially and with custody. You won't lose your child either unless you have a very serious record of abuse, neglect, etc.

Depending on your living situation, she also can't just kick you out and it would actually be unwise for you to leave without speaking to a lawyer first.


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## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

bobert said:


> You shouldn't lose 100% of the marital assets. The division of marital assets can vary. Look up if your state is community property or equitable distribution. I'd suggest speaking to a lawyer and see where you stand financially and with custody. You won't lose your child either unless you have a very serious record of abuse, neglect, etc.
> 
> Depending on your living situation, she also can't just kick you out and it would actually be unwise for you to leave without speaking to a lawyer first.


The good news is I have 0 record of abuse/neglect. I'll often work 8 to 10 hours and then care for her for an addional 5 after she gets out of daycare. 

I mention the house/finances because I tend to not defend myself as best as I can because I just want peace. 

I also know what I want but I'm not sure what the next step is. Especially because she has full access to my credit card/bank statements, she'd see if I was reaching out for a lawyer's services. And I also don't want to change those passwords or stop depositing all my money (I have a $500 budget every month) into our joint account because that would set of alarm bells.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ElGrizz said:


> The good news is I have 0 record of abuse/neglect. I'll often work 8 to 10 hours and then care for her for an addional 5 after she gets out of daycare.
> 
> I mention the house/finances because I tend to not defend myself as best as I can because I just want peace.
> 
> I also know what I want but I'm not sure what the next step is. Especially because she has full access to my credit card/bank statements, she'd see if I was reaching out for a lawyer's services. And I also don't want to change those passwords or stop depositing all my money (I have a $500 budget every month) into our joint account because that would set of alarm bells.


Look around for a lawyer who does free consultations and take it from there. If you get a lawyer, they will be there to defend you and make sure you get the best deal you can.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m trying to work out of this is a financially abusive situation or if your employment history & spending merited her ‘helping’ you.

A bit of background would be helpful, as well as what kind of a partner you’ve been. Responsible? Loving and fun? Did you spend much time dating and impressing her, do you spend time together, you enjoy going places, you’re open to her emotionally? It seems like you didn’t want a commitment and blame her for forcing you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So why didn't you break up if you didn't want to get married?

Your post reads like you're a huge victim here, but you made your choices. And I'm sure she felt that you weren't all in...that probably contributed to her attitude.

You aren't marriage material and should get divorced, but the marital assets are joint and your daughter is your daughter. Get a lawyer and work out a fair split.

Has your wife given you a reason to think she'd be unreasonable in a settlement?


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## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

I was a reckless spender that drank a lot when we met. I was 24 and spent money faster than I could make it. I was always wanting to make others happy and spent my money on buying them food, books, movies, drinks, drugs. I was not financially intelligent. I liked us first being together because she was security and I wanted to be better than I had been in my earlier twenties. When we first started dating I was working as a cook at a country club and I was fired because I would drink too much and not show up for work. After that I worked retail which brought me to working in a warehouse which brought me to my current job of being a project manager. I've only been fired once but it left a mark on her. After that, we moved in together and got serious and I really did want to be better. I didn't want to be a bum. My goal had always been to financially support her and myself so she could do what she wanted. I supported her and absolutely loved her. There were times when I was working through the sexual abuse I experienced in my teens with my uncle that led me to drink a lot and sometimes drink and drive. I know this left a scar on her. I'll admit that I was not the best. I never hurt, hut, yelled, or abused her in any way. But her seeing my drinking did make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable. To be fair, she knew I drank this much when we first got together. I would absolutely say I'm loving and fun. I'm adventurous and she liked that I lived in the moment because she is such a planner. I worked how I worked because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't a **** up but also prove to her that I could be better. I do think she liked an idea of me that could be what she wanted more than she actually wanted to be with me. She knows I'm malleable and adapt to the people around me as a safety mechanism and so I would do whatever she said and she liked that until she didn't. After awhile she would get mad that she had to tell me things and what to do, like cleaning around the house or minor home repair, instead of me just doing it. I always explained that I never saw what she saw.

I don't think that it was financial abuse. I believe she had worries that I would go back to my old habits of spending and that filled her with anxiety. I also do resent her for marriage. I never wanted it but I was afraid of losing her at the time so I proposed. Romantically, of course, on a mountain south of Chattanooga. I also look down on myself because I wish I wasn't such a weak at that time that felt I needed her and let my fear of being alone at the time get the best of me. In short, I resent her but I'm angrier with myself.


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## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> So why didn't you break up if you didn't want to get married?
> 
> Your post reads like you're a huge victim here, but you made your choices. And I'm sure she felt that you weren't all in...that probably contributed to her attitude.
> 
> ...


See above. I didn't want to break up because I was scared of losing my support/security that she offered and being alone.

Yeah, I agree, I'm not 100% a victim. I made my choice to get married, regardless of the reason, and now I'm in the bed I made. The reason I posted was because I felt overwhelmed and was looking for the next steps while voicing the concerns I have regarding pur Financials, the house, and our daughter. I've never been married and I didn't know where to start.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ElGrizz said:


> See above. I didn't want to break up because I was scared of losing my support/security that she offered and being alone.
> 
> Yeah, I agree, I'm not 100% a victim. I made my choice to get married, regardless of the reason, and now I'm in the bed I made. The reason I posted was because I felt overwhelmed and was looking for the next steps while voicing the concerns I have regarding pur Financials, the house, and our daughter. I've never been married and I didn't know where to start.


That is a really crappy thing to do to her. No mention of love...only what she could do for you.

It's no wonder she's negative, so I recommend some compassion for her.

Beyond that, from what you describe she can't be happy either. Have you broached the subject of separation and divorce to her? It might help to know her view. For all you know she'd agree with you, and she deserves someone who loves her and wants to be married to her.

After that a lawyer would be helpful to navigate the legal system, but if your wife is agreeable that would help. When I left my ex my lawyer told me it's much easier if you have some kind of agreement when you come to him if that's possible.


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## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> That is a really crappy thing to do to her. No mention of love...only what she could do for you.
> 
> It's no wonder she's negative, so I recommend some compassion for her.
> 
> ...


That's not entirely true or fair to say. Obviously I loved her or else I would have dated someone that I could not marry and still get security and safety from. But I feel incredibly guilty about that because I know she does deserve love and happiness. To your point earlier, I'm not marriage material. I got married and it was equal parts security and love. Because you're an outsider with no knowledge of the situation I guess I should have said that I loved her but I felt it was obvious so I didn't. I'm been financially well since we were married. I didn't want to leave because I loved her and a part of me still does. But I'm not gonna choose her happiness over my own.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ElGrizz said:


> That's not entirely true or fair to say. Obviously I loved her or else I would have dated someone that I could not marry and still get security and safety from. But I feel incredibly guilty about that because I know she does deserve love and happiness. To your point earlier, I'm not marriage material. I got married and it was equal parts security and love. Because you're an outsider with no knowledge of the situation I guess I should have said that I loved her but I felt it was obvious so I didn't. I'm been financially well since we were married so I could have left at


Fair enough...I hadn't read your other post when I responded.

Have you tried marriage counseling? It sounds like better communication might help you two. It doesn't sound like your problems are insurmountable.


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## ElGrizz (Jul 30, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Fair enough...I hadn't read your other post when I responded.
> 
> Have you tried marriage counseling? It sounds like better communication might help you two. It doesn't sound like your problems are insurmountable.


I'm the one who has pushed for counseling. For both of us. I saw a counselor last year but she thought it was a waste of time. I told her in March of this year that we NEEDED to do marriage counseling or separate. To her credit, she joined me. However, she told me yesterday that she is done with it and doesn't want to anymore. She would rather chore or sleep. She has admitted that she fills herself with anxiety and I've tried to help but she only wants to do what she wants to do. I value her. She is a strong woman. I grew up with no dad and a single mom to myself and 4 sisters. The most powerful entity on this planet is a single mother. Next most powerful is a mother. They never get enough credit and our entire medical/political system pretty much throws them under the bus. I love my wife and I want her to be happy. But I don't think she's happy with me. And that hurts that I can't ever seem to make her happy. Her pregnancy was during covid and she gave birth in a freaking mask. She is top 5 of the strongest women I know. I want you to know that I promise I try to do my best. I was a **** when we first got together. I won't defend myself. But I've gotten better. I want to be better with her. But we fight all the time. We have worked on communication tools but nothing seems to stick. We get better for a few days then it goes back to a fight. When I married her I was scared of being alone and if we separate I only want to be alone because she ruined me. Nobody I ever meet will be as good as her. I tell her that if we ever divorced my mind would be on my daughter and my job. I had a deadbeat dad and I never want to be that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Fair enough, you own your issues and it sounds like you like her security and not so much her.

It also sounds like you’ve got a good base and you’ve come pretty far. But part of you is still the person you used to be and I sense you slipping back there. I’m just not sure I under the resentment - is it possible deep down that you feel ashamed that this woman - who sounds like a good women and a responsible one, possibly deserves a lot of credit for getting you here? Is that such a bad thing? Could you maybe see it from a different angle and seek gratitude and see how lucky you really are?

Really look at how you used to be, do you want to be that guy again? It is totally ok to improve your lot in life, and say ‘I couldn’t have done it without him/her’. It’s totally ok that another person pulls us up sometimes and doesn’t let us slip into destructive patterns.

It sounds like she’s bringing out the best in you. The alternative would be a woman who doesn’t care about you, rather than you seeing it as her changing you. Do you want, for you, to be that guy who drinks and spends all his money and gets fired from jobs, drink drives? And have a woman beside you along for the ride enabling that? Maybe she saw the good in you, that fun guy, and fell in love with that and saw a future?

You sound like you have amazing insight into yourself and sound intelligent. Use it to really dig deep, and don’t hate her for it.

At the end of it, if you don’t love her and don’t want to be married, end it right now before you string her along. And be fair, if you were able to buy things for other people, it is imperative that you apply the same rule to your wife and child. You’re financially responsible for them more than the others. Even yourself. That’s a man.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What is her attitude about separating?

Does she want to stay married? If she doesn't there's not much you can do.

Never say never...it's a long time and there may be a better match for both of you.

But you will need to heal and should probably continue counseling for yourself.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ElGrizz said:


> I'm the one who has pushed for counseling. For both of us. I saw a counselor last year but she thought it was a waste of time. I told her in March of this year that we NEEDED to do marriage counseling or separate. To her credit, she joined me. However, she told me yesterday that she is done with it and doesn't want to anymore. She would rather chore or sleep. She has admitted that she fills herself with anxiety and I've tried to help but she only wants to do what she wants to do. I value her. She is a strong woman. I grew up with no dad and a single mom to myself and 4 sisters. The most powerful entity on this planet is a single mother. Next most powerful is a mother. They never get enough credit and our entire medical/political system pretty much throws them under the bus. I love my wife and I want her to be happy. But I don't think she's happy with me. And that hurts that I can't ever seem to make her happy. Her pregnancy was during covid and she gave birth in a freaking mask. She is top 5 of the strongest women I know. I want you to know that I promise I try to do my best. I was a **** when we first got together. I won't defend myself. But I've gotten better. I want to be better with her. But we fight all the time. We have worked on communication tools but nothing seems to stick. We get better for a few days then it goes back to a fight. When I married her I was scared of being alone and if we separate I only want to be alone because she ruined me. Nobody I ever meet will be as good as her. I tell her that if we ever divorced my mind would be on my daughter and my job. I had a deadbeat dad and I never want to be that.


There it is, the love. You do love this woman and I think you two can fix this. No she did not ruin you, you’re not ruined at all. You’re doing great, and I think now she’s fallen on her own hard times and it’s probably not even you. Covid, small baby etc.

I think sometimes it’s simply about having a laugh and taking a break. Sometimes we think the other person isn’t happy with us, but you’re both just stuck in the grind of responsibilities. Sadly, that is real life. Honestly, stop talking about the issues you both have for a while, and get into some fun family time, just a little bit here and there. You could both do with letting your hair down as new parents. Forget each other’s strengths and weaknesses every so often and just be in the moment.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ElGrizz said:


> We married in 2017. At the time I didn't want to be married but *she had said that guys who date for years and never ask their partner to marry them should just break up*.


She's right about that. No woman wants to date forever. If you're only a girlfriend for years, it aint gonna happen.



ElGrizz said:


> I was a reckless spender that drank a lot when we met. I was 24 and spent money faster than I could make it. I was always wanting to make others happy and spent my money on buying them food, books, movies, drinks, drugs. I was not financially intelligent. I liked us first being together because she was security and I wanted to be better than I had been in my earlier twenties. When we first started dating I was working as a cook at a country club and I was fired because I would drink too much and not show up for work. After that I worked retail which brought me to working in a warehouse which brought me to my current job of being a project manager. I've only been fired once but it left a mark on her. After that, we moved in together and got serious and I really did want to be better. I didn't want to be a bum. My goal had always been to financially support her and myself so she could do what she wanted. I supported her and absolutely loved her. There were times when I was working through the sexual abuse I experienced in my teens with my uncle that led me to drink a lot and sometimes drink and drive. I know this left a scar on her. I'll admit that I was not the best. I never hurt, hut, yelled, or abused her in any way. But her seeing my drinking did make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable. To be fair, she knew I drank this much when we first got together. I would absolutely say I'm loving and fun. I'm adventurous and she liked that I lived in the moment because she is such a planner. I worked how I worked because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't a **** up but also prove to her that I could be better. I do think she liked an idea of me that could be what she wanted more than she actually wanted to be with me. She knows I'm malleable and adapt to the people around me as a safety mechanism and so I would do whatever she said and she liked that until she didn't. After awhile she would get mad that she had to tell me things and what to do, like cleaning around the house or minor home repair, instead of me just doing it. I always explained that I never saw what she saw.
> 
> I don't think that it was financial abuse. I believe she had worries that I would go back to my old habits of spending and that filled her with anxiety. I also do resent her for marriage. I never wanted it but I was afraid of losing her at the time so I proposed. Romantically, of course, on a mountain south of Chattanooga. I also look down on myself because I wish I wasn't such a weak at that time that felt I needed her and let my fear of being alone at the time get the best of me. In short, I resent her but I'm angrier with myself.


This explains why she needs to have control of the finances. You're a problem spender with a drinking problem. That's serious mate - she's trying to keep a roof over your heads. That's not financial abuse, it's common sense and being responsible.

I agree with peeps above who said you're playing the victim here when you're absolutely not a victim. You're in the position you are now, because of choices that YOU made. You. No one else. No one held a gun to your head mate.

Now, you have a wife and daughter. You don't get to just decide that you don't want that anymore and walk away, without doing everything in your power to try to fix it first. You can't control what your wife does, but you can control what you do. You want to change something? Change it! Approach your wife with a pen and paper and get her to list the things she'd like done around the house. Even better, before you do that, have a look around yourself and note a few things down, then when you approach her, you can say "I've noticed X and Y need doing, I'd also like to get Z done, is there anything else you'd like me to take care of? And then do it.

Tell her that you are making changes in who you are for yourself and the family. Find what works for you - a life coach, counselling, AA or a combination of them all. You need to show your wife that she can count on you. That she doesn't have to shoulder the burden of everything, all of the time.


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