# Am I a freak? Why would I do this?



## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

I've been married for 24 years to a wonderful woman. Early in our marriage sex was great, in fact, one of the reasons I married her. We have to grown children ages 22 and 19. I am 51 and she is 58, so a few years older than me. I would say that for the last 10 - 12 years, her libido has been dropping off and now seems to be essentially non-existent. I haven't felt desired in years. I tried self-help books for us, wrote some amazing erotic poetry to her, I'm always showered when I come to bed, and still seem to be attractive to women. I used to play the numbers game hoping that if I showed her my desire X number of times, she would want sex Y number of times. That just made me feel rejected too much. I masturbated to relieve my sexual frustration. At some point, masturbation became the bulk of my sex life. Nothing I could do seemed to "turn her on". She would have sex, but I always felt like she was placating me....I could tell she wasn't into it and rarely had orgasms. So, now my outlet is masturbating with a Fleshlight and I have begun to masturbate with other men in the same way. I don't want to risk falling in love with a woman and the masturbation with men is so sexually charged. 
Of course, my wife just found out about this and I am at a loss as to what to say or do. Can someone please advise?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

so it's either sex with the wife or masturbation with a group of men

damn i hate when life limits my choices thus.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

I'm being serious.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am gonna guess that when your wife found out she felt pretty betrayed and hurt. So that is going to be up to her whether or not she can even come to grips with what just happened. 

I would plan a nice dinner with her ( at home since this convo is really private) and have a talk. Tell her what led up to the events and tell her what you need. Who knows, maybe she was up in the clouds and didn't realize that you were hurting so badly. 

I do hope that it works out for you, but make sure you tread carefully when approaching the subject with the wife.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dawn,

Great advice.

M,

You did not have sex with these men, if so please refrain from sex with wife until tested. This is high risk activity.

As a sidenote, many men/women do not fear same sex relationship as with opposite sex so there may be a positive.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

SHe's coming home today after leaving last night to be alone. Thanks for your continued input. I was involved in circle jerks as a young teen and perhaps this was some sort of safe way to explore my fantasies without any affairs. WE've both been under a tremendous amount of stress this year and after 10 years of feeling undesired and placated sexually, I lost my head.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can see how stress can do that, and it often causes people to have clouded judgement. I would be delicate and make sure not to point fingers in saying its completely yours or her fault. Tell her how you truly feel and ask her about having a weekly date night and what kinds of things she would like to do to get you BOTH in the mood. 

I will point out specifically that you have to ASK your wife what turns her on. My husband ( the goof that he is lol) just assumed that the same things that turned on other girls he had been with was what was going to work with me. Guess what, I can't STAND IT when he tried sucking on my earlobe. It was just awful. So I made it a point to tell him hey, these are what make me want you, these are what make me want to return you LMAO.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MisterM,

I admit I had to look up Fleshlight and I can guess what 'circle jerks' means, so if your wife is anything like me she may be feeling confused, betrayed, disgusted (sorry, just being honest) and that she doesn't even know who you are. She may be worried that you are gay and have been supressing that all of these years, so she will never be good enough, that you might always sexually crave something she cannot give you.

I think you've laid out quite nicely what drove you to this point and I think she needs to hear that so she understands what this is and what this is not, especially the numbers game. It shows that you tried to handle your needs in the right way but over time, it made you feel undesired, unattractive and eventually 'lost your head.' 

Honestly, I would need time to absorb what I just found out but when I read what lead you to this point, I don't think 'what a freak' but that you were trying to satisfy a need. 

What may help is to acknowledge that masturbation requires fantasy and can get stagnant so the fantasies tend to progress over time if they are to keep 'doing it for you'. This can get out of control, over the top if it goes on too long and feel more like a sexual addiction or perversion...just be honest with yourself on where you are with this...can you totally stop it and re-initiate a more regular sex life with your wife? Obviously, it will depend on where she is with everything, but at least think through a solution that would make you happy so you can openly discuss it with her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Where do you find these men? Is this in person? How did she find out?

I don't think you are a freak.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

Thank you so much for the input. I found these men initially through a website called wifelovers.com. THese men share their wives sexually. The wives were so desirous of sex it was unreal. When I posted a comment on the site, the guy contacted me and thus it began. When we got together, we would go at it with the fleshlights while talking about sex and how much his wife was into having sex with me...fantasy of course. I don't know how I let this happen....It revolts me now. I'm praying that we can work this out. WE have 26 years of history together. I can't believe I could have rationalized any of this behavior. I tried to get her to be interested in sex and have some fun with it, but she just had so little libido. It has gotten to the point that I didn't want to express my desire for her because I knew she didn't want to have sex and felt bad about not feeling sexual. I felt that every time I touched her it made her feel guilty for not wanting me...so gradually, I pulled back from trying to be sexual with her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

While what you did was rather odd, she shares the responsibility for the relationship going South. She didn't address your needs as a man and then there's you, feeling guilty for being a sexual being.

I'd suggest therapy for you. You're too nice and you repress too much and then out it comes in an unhealthy way (no pun intended). 

And for her, a trip to the Dr. first. 

Honestly, she's probably wondering what the heck is wrong with you and what else she doesn't know... so you're going to have to treat this just as though you cheated on her. I mean, in a way, you did. In a very unusual way. So you're an open book -- computer passwords, phone records, everything in her hands.

And I'm sorry but the fleshlight is gonna have to go. 

How did you end up on that site? Were you actually looking for other women?


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

I was trolling the internet for porn. I was not really looking to have an affair. Fantasy can carry you away. She's on her way home now and we will begin this process and (I hope) get our marriage back on track. I realize that this was in a way, cheating on her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're probably going to have a hard time convincing her that you weren't looking for an affair. That you found a guy is only going to confuse things.

Give her time and understand that you're going to get a lot of anger directed at you. 

Question though -- she is probably going to think you are blaming her when you explain how her lack of interest lead you down this path. If you ask her if she can please try to do something about that lack of interest, how will she respond? Because that needs to be addressed in the end or the relationship just won't work. She may actually leave you knowing that she cannot or will not meet those needs (and of course, blame it on you.)

She may turn it around and find that she was right not to have an interest in you -- backward thinking. 

Be very careful in how you discuss things with her.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

I'm willing to do whatever it takes and whatever she decides. I'm not blaming her for this at all....my decisions are my own. I will say though, that I have tried to discuss our sex life with her and it always ended up going nowhere. She was always "willing" to have sex with me, but that made me feel like she was only doing it for me and not for herself.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What is wrong with her doing it for you? Why can't you just accept the gift in the spirit in which it is intended?

If she's not into sex for whatever reason, but she was willing, you had it better than a lot of men. It'd be nice if she'd address the desire issue because there are things that can be done that might help. But dang (guys in general) -- don't turn down your wife's generous offer. Don't elect solo sex over sex with your wife, ever.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

What you did was wrong (sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage with others, although no sexual contact occurs) but I think she's partly responsible.

If you have done the things you say you do to make her feel special and desired and not doing them as a quid-pro-quo for sex and she still doesn't respond and meet your needs, your needs are not met. It's just a fact. Even if she does it every time you ask, if your needs are to feel desired, and she's not meeting that, there is still a problem. 

In that case, a proactive and loving wife would try to find ways to provide the emotional and sexual needs of a husband. May be she can be the one holding the fleshlight? or oral? Act more like she's into it instead of making you feel like she's doing a chore.

I'm not being sexist. If the shoe were on the other foot, and the husband is, say, impotent or can only last 3 minutes and the wife needs more, I would say the husband needs to find a way to provide for the emotional and sexual needs of the wife if she wants to have more affection (cuddling, massages), longer penetration (hello toy?) or multiple orgasms (hello fingers, toys, tongue?) or more frequent sex. He needs to initiate and make her feel like he's wanting her and she's desired instead of just reacting when she initiates. See what I mean when the shoe is on the other foot?

Not to excuse what you did, but we humans all have needs and sex is a need. Go to counseling. She needs to see both sides of this issue, and so do you.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

Sometimes I feel like I'm masturbating into her, ya kno? I'd like her to enjoy it too. If I never wanted sex from her, we'd never have it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she willing to go to a doctor and try to figure out what her problem is? 

Does she love you?

If she claims to love you, does she have romantic love for you? Is she attracted to you? 

I just can't imagine having romantic love for someone and not wanting to express it physically. 

Does she like to hug and cuddle, etc.? Does she receive no pleasure from being with you sexually? 

I think you have a serious problem here. And I think if she wants you to solve it all on your own (remain sexless or lonely) then I'd strongly consider opting out. The underlying problem isn't going to go away with the lack of FL and other people. The underlying problem is massive.


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## MisterM (Oct 22, 2009)

THAnks for all the input....believe it or not, we have talked and are moving on from this. Hopefully to a more renewed marriage. She's a wonderful woman and I'm lucky to have her.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MisterM said:


> I've been married for 24 years to a wonderful woman. Early in our marriage sex was great, in fact, one of the reasons I married her. We have to grown children ages 22 and 19. I am 51 and she is 58, so a few years older than me. I would say that for the last 10 - 12 years, her libido has been dropping off and now seems to be essentially non-existent. I haven't felt desired in years. I tried self-help books for us, wrote some amazing erotic poetry to her, I'm always showered when I come to bed, and still seem to be attractive to women. I used to play the numbers game hoping that if I showed her my desire X number of times, she would want sex Y number of times. That just made me feel rejected too much. I masturbated to relieve my sexual frustration. At some point, masturbation became the bulk of my sex life. Nothing I could do seemed to "turn her on". She would have sex, but I always felt like she was placating me....I could tell she wasn't into it and rarely had orgasms. So, now my outlet is masturbating with a Fleshlight and I have begun to masturbate with other men in the same way. I don't want to risk falling in love with a woman and the masturbation with men is so sexually charged.
> Of course, my wife just found out about this and I am at a loss as to what to say or do. Can someone please advise?


I'm confused. Why the need to involve other men? 

Do you have any homosexual tendencies at all?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

A woman's sex drive should be every bit as strong as a mans, and as they get older it should actually increase over a man's. If you are in a relationship with a woman and this is not true then find out what is wrong and fix it!

I can't tell you what your wife may want, but I can tell you what she doesn't want, and that is for you to try to "negotiate" and "beg" her to find you sexy. To do so insults both of you, as a woman WILL resent a man for being weak, whether she even knows it herself or not.

Remember where we come from, our biological history. That is the root of our sex drives. A male dominates, provides, protects, and controls his environment, and females will find the most successful of these males literally irresistable. If this male makes her feel "dominated" then her feelings of insecurity are replaced with a deep, primal sexual desire for this man. If you do not understand this simple biological characteristic, then you probably don't understand why a woman will find a "bad boy" irresistable, or sadly why so many battered women tolerate spousal abuse. 

Unfortunately it seems many couples do not realize that in our intimate relationships and behind our bedroom doors we have forgotten where we come from. We carry political correctness and social taboos into our intimate places and wonder why our relationships are so sterile.

A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. If this simple biological formula is ignored you get the typical downward spiral of rejection, which manifests itself as a wimpy man begging an insecure woman to consider having sex with him. 

If you have never acted on your impulse to grab a woman's hair and throw her on the bed and "go to town", or pull down her panties and throw her across your knee and given her a few good swats on her bare behind, or had a woman just completely unleash herself and tell you something along the lines of "I could LET GO because I knew you were going to make it happen anyway" then you have done yourself and your wife a disservice.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Thanks for that BBW. I think I've just changed my plans for the evening. I think I'll start with the "go to town" thing and see how it progresses.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

There is alot of truth in BBW's statements,thing is most guys if they realize this before marriage they become "players" or "gigolos" ,once you figure it out in a marriage,it can save your marriage.

People are Flesh and Flesh are animals.Thing is we have a Spirit to,The flesh consistently fights the spirit.Its important to understand ones animal nature to control it so the spirit can be at peace.
I hope this make sense to you,as its a religious idea.
People do not like hearing the "We are animal argument" but even the Bible tells us we are Flesh and made around the same time most animals were.Flesh is just another term for animal.

To master ones flesh is to bring peace to the spirit.I am still thinking about this as its been the basis for almost all my posts here on TAM.Since I joined,I have been reading things by Mark Twain and how to undo resentment,reading the Infidelity posts,self reflecting on why people cheat.Reflecting on the resentment issues and changing ones self to make yourself more attractive to your spouse that rejects you.Learning about the subconscious and how to "unlock" her sexual side.Pushing those "Hot Buttons",like Mark Twain talks about.
Its all entwined into one big old ball of wax.And like the X-files the truth is out there.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Also BBW,you don't happen to be the dude I seen on Dr.Phil the other day are you?He talked alot about "Bad Boys" and why they are attractive to ALL women.Dr, Phil had him and a Blond Haired lady on.They took a camera out into the streets to ask guys to admit if they cheated.
Of coarse women do not want to admit they love those "bad boys" openly.People tend to offend easily when being told they are a animal,I can understand that.
They just need to realize the way men are designed and women are designed.
I have a million thoughts in my head at any one time and I tend to ramble sometimes,but it kinda reminds me of when cats mate.Have you ever watch how the male bites the back of the females neck as a show of dominance?Its all related to instinct.

Anyway sorry to the OP for Hijacking his thread by Talking about this,but my hope is that there is something here that can help you get your marriage back on track physically.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

BBW is correct, outside the bedroom as as easy to get along with and "soft" as the next guy, but in the bedroom I know my wife likes me to dominate, likes her hair pulled, likes positions that are male dominated like doggie, anal, me on top, etc. 

They way her back and whole body arches when I grab some hair to pull...is pretty dang hot.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

BBW has it right - sort of. Women want a man who is strong. The decision maker. The leader. If he's not that outside the bedroom, he's not going to turn her on inside the bedroom. That does NOT mean that he has to be domineering, but confident and leader of the house and family.

I know because I'm married to a man who is not those things and I have no sexual attraction to him. He's actually better looking than I am, but I don't want him.

I lead our house. He wants to be the leader, but as soon as I ask him to make a decision, he can't. He needs someone to tell him what to do. 

He tries to be the "bad guy" in bed, but it feels so phony. I don't have any sexual desire for him anymore.

By the way, I will say that men have stronger sex drives than women, despite what others have said. There's a good reason prostitutes are women, know what I mean.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

MisterM you were obviously starving for contact and even if there was no physical contact with your circle jerk friend(s), it was probably filling an empty spot for you. Please don't get so down on yourself. Your wife is feeling betrayed, but perhaps you feel betrayed to as the lack of sex can come across as abandonment to many people. I'm not saying to blame her for what you did, but try to help her understand how alone you felt, that you made a really bad decision and want to rebuild a relationship that you can BOTH feel satisfied and happy with.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

If she is willing to have sex...than you still turn her on in some way. Find out what will really turn her red-hot. Use this same imagination you have in the fantasy and turn it toward your wife. I bet she is just as "starved" for intimacy as you are...


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