# Chances are...



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Regardless of what my personal opinions and feelings about R with a WS are, I generally try to offer the best advice possible to those BS's who do want to try to save their M.

At the same time, I do try to give realistic and occasionally blunt advice to the BS to make sure they have the best chance, and don't fall into rugsweeping or false R.

In regards to that, I notice that so many BS's naturally have similar questions born out of their frustration and pain as they try to move past the betrayal.

How long will I have mind-movies?

Will I ever trust WS again?

Will the M ever be good again?

Will my respect for WS ever come back?

Am I just the WS's Plan B?

There are many good posters on here that have successfully gone through R with their WS.

And I also pay close attention to their thoughts and feelings about their M even after many successful years of R.

Based on what many of these posters have shared, I thought it might be useful to start a thread that new BS could look at for some guidance on what to expect.

In other words, a list of things that a BS is going to have to accept and come to terms with even if they do eventually save their M.

I will start the list with a few things that ran through my mind when I caught my LTgf cheating.

Now, I never tried R, but in the brief time I considered whether I could ever attempt to save my relationship with her, the following things occurred to me....and I have heard several posters with long term successful R's say nearly the same things.

I knew if I wanted to try R with her, I would have to simply accept the following things, and I think every new BS should work on acceptance of them as well.

*Chances are:*

A BS will never look on or love their WS in quite the same way ever again....this does not mean they will never love or respect their WS again at all....but it will never be the 'same' or as good as it possibly could have been if the betrayal had never happened.

A BS will never completely forget what was done to them....for the rest of their lives, there will be painful memories and triggers that will occasionally come up, hopefully in ever decreasing frequency....BUT, the mind movies your WS has inflicted on you will never go away as if they never existed....not EVER.

A BS will never really know what their WS's true feelings and thoughts about their AP are....it will be impossible to really know if the WS secretly carries some small feelings or flame for the AP that they forever bury and keep hidden from their BS....it is impossible for the BS to be 100% certain they are not, at least to some extent, their WS's Plan B.



I knew in the (very) brief time I considered giving my WLTgf a second chance, that these were the sh*t sandwiches that I would just have to find a way to swallow if I wanted to try.

I couldn't then, and still don't today, see any way of getting around these things other than just accepting them for what they are moving on.

Now....these things are not absolute, or guaranteed, in every situation.

Hence why I titled them *Chances are*....but I think every new BS can begin to gain some stability and internal peace if they can quickly come to terms with these things.


I know that there are many other far more experienced posters, especially those who have had long term successful R, who can add many more things to this list.

So what other things should a new BS learn to accept as probable or realistic, even if they are distasteful to accept, if they truly want to R with their WS?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Oh.....and I just thought of another one I see posted by the veterans of TAM to a new BS all the time.

Chances are......

A BS will never know the full extent and details of the A....and even if they do by some chance get them, they will never be able to be certain of that fact.....doubts will forever remain.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dyokemon

While I'm not a long term successful reconciliation, you are correct on what you have posted. Also you are correct in that there probably should be a list that BS can refer to when considering reconciliation. I will list some of what I had to accept to get to the point where I am now. 

Both spouses change, and I mean drastically, both my wife and I are different people now. I don't look at her the same and she doesn't see me the same. While people change throughout life, this is a gradual change, infidelity is change overnight.

Intimacy, this will forever change too. While you can eventually make love and not just have sex, this requires vulnerability from both spouses. It is difficult and it's a struggle to forget that someone else has had your spouse. It's something you have to go through to really understand. 

Trust, once the betrayal has been discovered all try's for the WS is gone. It doesn't matter the length of time the relationship was before infidelity, trust is lost. To consider reconciliation, you have to give trust to the WS. While I feel the last sentence I wrote is preposterous, it is very hard to accept that after a betrayal of this magnitude you have to give trust. They call this the leap of faith. 

Vulnerability, and this is where I think most betrayed spouses struggle so hard to accept. How do you be vulnerable to someone who ripped your heart from your chest and three it on the floor to stomp on it? Vulnerability is the key for the WS to earn trust back. If you are not vulnerable with your WS they cannot earn trust and your reconciliation will fail for sure. 

I have to run for now, but I will come back to post more when time allows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Some more items to add. 

Lies and levels of deception, can you accept how the WS lied and the extents that the deception have? This can be far more painful and destroying then the affair itself at times. It is the major reason that trust is so hard to get back when you see the level of deception used to hide the affair. 

Can you accept that your spouse is not only capable of such an act but did in fact have an affair? This will change the way the way you see your WS in many facets. For me I couldn't find a flaw in my wife, she's beautiful, kind, good sense of humor, energetic, radiant, full of life, and that all changed. I now see and have accepted how she is capable of being ruthless.

Can you accept the person the WS becomes during the affair? You went to sleep next to the person you loved, respected, protected, and cherished while the WS didn't love, respect, protect, or cherish you. 

I'll be back again when time allows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Chances are....

The BS doesn't have a clue as to how the A will effect them; both short term and long term. As advisers to BS's, we can offer some insight. But unfortunately, the only way to truly understand the volatility of emotions involved - is to experience them.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Trust will take YEARS to rebuild. I'm pretty much over the affairs. But trust, that was destroyed. 
I had a session with my IC about errors in thinking. Assuming the worst- but when the worst actually happens, it's not an error. How so you go back to assuming the best?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Perhaps someone who is such a situation should listen to the following.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

As she says, hurt and betrayal on one side and growth and discovery on the other. "...Today in the west most of us will have two or three relationships or marriages. Some people will have it with the same person. Your marriage is over, would you like to start a new relationship with the same person?..."


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

As a BS I felt many emotions, and realized many things that were broken within me. I have been in IC, I have been in MC, I have reflected on my life many times, and I am unsure how my future will unfold. Infidelity hit me hard, much like a wrecking ball swings through rotted wood. I was alone in a room full of friends and family. I later came to be in a dark and hopeless room, death became my answer to end my pain. 

I fought hard to reclaim my life, my well being, and who I am as a man. This took time, many days barely making it an hour at a time, but I've survived. I have felt despair, hopelessness, sad, depressed, destroyed, devastated, dead inside, and it changed everything about me as a person. 

I am no longer a jovial, happy person who enjoyed making people laugh. Making people smile was important to me, now it's a memory. I lost my beliefs, which left me lost, confused, and scared, I no longer knew who I was. Yet during this time I was going through forgiveness in MC. I struggled and fought, I was blinded by tears on many days, I was as weak as a human could be. I didn't feel like a man, I was emasculated by my wife's affair. And I still fought. 

I hit rock bottom, sitting at my kitchen table I attempted to kill myself. I had lost all my fight, I couldn't continue to the next hour. I had nothing left to fight with, as a person I was dead but alive, I gave in and pulled the trigger. The weapon jammed and I remember crying even more, I couldn't even get killing myself right. I wallowed in self pity for the next hour, crying uncontrollably. I also made a decision, I wanted myself back. 

For the last year I have been fighting for me, I have worked to be the best me I can be. I have gone to IC, I have struggled but push myself forward. I not only fought for me, but for my family as well. Hitting rock bottom propelled me forward, pushed me to be far stronger then I ever thought I was. Pushed me to find me, refine me, and fix my issues where I was weak. This gave me strength, strength to continue my fight. 

I accepted my wife's affair, I accepted the cruel act portrayed to me by the person I would have given my life for. I have accepted my faults in who I am, I have accepted the faults I now see in my wife. I have accepted that my future is no longer stable, but rather day by day. I have accepted that we may make it through and divorce. I have accepted the feelings I felt, the emotions I felt, and the work I need to do for myself. I have accepted that I have had to give trust that wasn't earned. I have accepted that my wife did not love me and loved someone else. I have accepted that I will carry this scar the remainder of my days. 

I cannot forget what has happened to me, I have learned to forgive my wife and what I need to have a successful reconciliation. Together my wife and I work to repair what was destroyed, so we can now build a marriage with a strong foundation. Bad days have become less and less frequent but they are still there. I struggle to be vulnerable and put my heart in my wife's hands, I remember all to well how she cared for it the first time. Each day I get stronger, and each day I find a reason to fight harder. I have accepted all of infidelity, no matter how hard I struggled to accept it. 

I am in a much better place today, I can feel that some of the pain has lessened, and some pain still very sharp. I am a work in progress, as is my wife and marriage, but we are both determined that this will work. We know we can be great together, we know we love each other, we know we are in love with each other. But the best part is we are better persons individually, and together we have become united and stand strongly for our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

A BS will never know the full extent and details of the A....and even if they do by some chance get them, they will never be able to be certain of that fact.....doubts will forever remain.

This resonates with me the most. You never really know can they be trusted about anything, (because nothing was honestly dealt with) where they are, what they are doing with the money, what they say is true. You are always on alert, one seemingly red flag (could be innocent) and you withdraw. It never can be and never will be the same. The relationship is merely a shadow of its former self. A part of your heart is kept back and will never be given again. There is no more giving all, decisions will be more self serving and less about the WS. A seismic shift has taken place in the relationship, which is not to the advantage of either S. And if I am honest thoughts of revenge creep in now and again (but I am a better person than to do that - I think).


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> Perhaps someone who is such a situation should listen to the following.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
> 
> As she says, hurt and betrayal on one side and growth and discovery on the other. "...Today in the west most of us will have two or three relationships or marriages. Some people will have it with the same person. Your marriage is over, would you like to start a new relationship with the same person?..."


there is SOME growth and discovery but not enough to equal and ease the hurt and betrayal. Seriously, I think people just live through it, maybe getting a couple nuggets of wisdom along the way, knowing they can survive themselves if they have to, but IMHO, it comes at too big of a price.


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