# Don't know what to do



## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I have a problem that I need help with. First a little background.
Wife and I both are in our 40's. Married 19 years 3 kids. I have had the fantasy of watching my wife with another man for many years and about 5 months ago told her this and in the process, she revealed to me that she actually did this with her first husband many years ago (it ended in divorce, with this being partly to blame she says). I persisted for a while and then she finally caved in and said ok but just once with a man that she used to work with, but had been transferred to Calif. (he was coming back to town for a few days). He is single, younger, and very good looking. I think my wife was actually looking forward to this, although she never said so. After reading the advice from many on here from a previous thread, I decided that since we did not have a solid marriage (many problems) that this would not be a good idea right now, and I told her this. She was pissed saying that she would be embarrassed to cancel it now, but she did anyway. I noticed that she still kept in touch with him on her cell phone 3-4 times per week, and told her I didn't like that. She said it was nothing but small talk, but if it bothered me, she would stop. She did for about 1 week then it continued (she doesn't know I know this). She now has to go to Calif. with her company for 1 week at the end of Oct. I don't want her to go, mainly because of him being there, and because I wanted them to hook up in front of me, I'm afraid they will now do it behind my back. I have not said anything to her about this yet. She hasn't given me any other reason to think any thing will happen. Should I say something? This has been tearing me apart inside.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Wow! Sounds like you let the cat out and are now trying to push it back in.

Interesting that she picked someone she knew - maybe you are right on that one, she maybe always wondered and you opened the door when you suggested a threesome. Be careful what you wish for!

I would outright ask her if they plan to meet up while she's in California (for drinks, dinner, etc.), and if so, that you are not comfortable with it as he was to be involved in a threesome and you feel that he might want to make it a twosome while she is out there on business. In other words, let her know (subtely) that you know they are in touch and that you don't approve of them meeting up while she's away. 

You should be able to learn a lot by her non-verbal feedback when you do approach her on this subject. If she gets very defensive, then you might have something to worry about.

If she doesn't, then maybe you are overreacting.

But, I always say trust your instincts. Confront her, make your feelings known and based on her reaction and whether she agrees with you or not, at least you'll know where you stand and you can decide what to do from there. And maybe, with her knowing that you believe they might meet up (whether its platonic or not), might persuade her into changing her plans.


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## Braelynn21203 (Oct 4, 2010)

You could always go that creepy-stalker route and follow her to Cali. But that most definitely will not go well with her. I think the best thing that you can do right now is to talk to your wife. Be prepared for her to be upset. She prolly has thought about it. But just tell her you are concerned hopefully she can put your mind at ease. And you'll just have to put faith in her.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

russ101 said:


> I don't want her to go, mainly because of him being there, and because I wanted them to hook up in front of me, I'm afraid they will now do it behind my back.


Well Russ, I'll be blunt as during your posts months ago, I was one of the posters telling you this was very dangerous for your marriage. It has come back to bite you in the butt. You put the brakes on it with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge to her. It's still a fantasy you want to fulfill and she knows it. In this quote it is still obvious that this is all about you and not her nor your marriage. You seem to be OK with her screwing another man but regard it as cheating if she does it when you are not there to get the jollies. Sorry sir, you have set the stage, you are just not going to be in the audience.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

You asked for it...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Well Russ, I'll be blunt as during your posts months ago, I was one of the posters telling you this was very dangerous for your marriage. It has come back to bite you in the butt. You put the brakes on it with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge to her. It's still a fantasy you want to fulfill and she knows it. In this quote it is still obvious that this is all about you and not her nor your marriage. You seem to be OK with her screwing another man but regard it as cheating if she does it when you are not there to get the jollies. Sorry sir, you have set the stage, you are just not going to be in the audience.


*QFT!! * (quoted for truth)

I couldn't have said it better, so I'm not. I'm just quoting it so you read it again.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

You peed in your bed - you get to sleep in the puddle.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

russ101 said:


> I have had the fantasy of watching my wife with another man.


I've had many fantasies but nothing as strange as that one.

Bob


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

I agree I let the cat out of the bag, and I made my own bed and I have to sleep in it so to speak. I do wish that I had kept that fantasy to myself, but I didn't, so now I'm just looking for what would be my best course of action. It sounds like married wifein love has the suggestion in my opinion, so I think I will try that course of action and see how it plays out. I'm not really looking for the "I told you so's" (though I know I deserve them), just constructive advice on how to proceed from here.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Reckon you’ve got to communicate a massive change in yourself. Tell her the very thought of her having sex with another man is breaking your heart and you will under no circumstances tolerate it.

Then let her know what the consequences are if she goes ahead and sleeps with him.

Bob


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

russ101 said:


> I'm just looking for what would be my best course of action.


Fair enough, we've had enough dog piling.

Tell her you don't want her to meet with this man when she goes out of town.

Tell her to end all communications with him. In case you are not aware, she is likely in an EA with him already.

Tell her your fantasy was a mistake and you love her too much to share her.

Never ever bring it up again.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Sigh......................................................

It is just not natural. Never play with fire!!!! It will burn you for sure, sooner or later..................................

Since you feel bad, I am not going to add oil or vinegar! 

But I can tell you, your marriage is in danger! You wife is having fun! 

Sigh, don't know what to say!

Why did you let her pick somebody she knows????


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I'm not really looking for the "I told you so's" (though I know I deserve them), just constructive advice on how to proceed from here.


Russ, what I wrote included an 'I told you so' but that wasn't the purpose. The reason I wrote it is that the last time you got advice on this issue (remember Quagmire?) you did NOT listen to advice - you went off and chose your own path, and absolutely, doggedly, purposefully, and irredeemably ignored all advice - even from people who had been there and done that - and who had encountered the EXACT SAME PROBLEM you face now. 

I wanted you to think VERY CAREFULLY about this, because it seems almost a waste of time to give you any advice, and counsel at all. From past history, it appears that you gather advice, not to avoid trouble, but in order to ignore the advice - you want to find out what the right thing to do would be so that you can ignore that. 

And the choice to do exactly the opposite of what you were advised resulted in tragedy. So....why would anyone want to advise you now? Remember the story of the boy who cried 'wolf'?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

sounds like a whole lotta drama. this is why risky sex in marriages isnt always a good idea - was all of this drama worth the chance of seeing wifey bang another guy?! 
id rent some good porn and find emotionally safer ways to get each other off.... drop the entire thing and have a conversation and restructure and trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Yes tanelornpete, I do realize I have ignored advice in the past and it came back to bite me in the a**. I am not asking her to do any of that anymore (even though it will always be a fantasy of mine) in fact, it is QUITE THE OPPOSITE. I have already confronted her about the fact that she was talking to him 3-4 times a week on the phone. She basically told me I have nothing to worry about, and that it was all small talk about work. The part that bothered me was that she said if it bothered me so much, she would stop and she did for a week but then it started back up. I have not said anything to her yet, and I'm not sure if I should. These conversations are short in length (5-7 minutes), and could really be just about work. I'm not going to ask her to not go to Calif. in two weeks, because this is really not possible, without it affecting her job. I am going to tell her (BASED ON ADVICE HERE) that I don't feel comfortable with her meeting this other man alone while she is there. I know she will see him at some meetings, but I don't want her going out to lunch, or dinner, or drinks with him. This just makes me feel too uncomfortable. I think something could happen very easily if this were the case. I don't want her put in this situation. I like to hear all points of view, before I act. I don't always take everyone's advice, and have screwed up in the past, but I'm human, shoot me. Most of your advice in my opinion has been good, even if I have'nt listen.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Im confused because you obviously trusted each other enough to invite a 3rd party initially... but now you cant trust her to travel? Are you insecure about her love for you to the point where you cant trust her? its obvious youre on fire for her and thats awesome... tell her you love her and want to trust her - let her know how she can gain your trust starting with respecting your hopes that she drops the CA guy asap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Tell her the very thought of her having sex with another man is breaking your heart and you will under no circumstances tolerate it.
> 
> Then let her know what the consequences are if she goes ahead and sleeps with him.


Also agree with Amp that this is likely already an EA. I think you have every reason to be concerned.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

russ101 said:


> Yes tanelornpete, I do realize I have ignored advice in the past and it came back to bite me in the a**. I am not asking her to do any of that anymore (even though it will always be a fantasy of mine) in fact, it is QUITE THE OPPOSITE. I have already confronted her about the fact that she was talking to him 3-4 times a week on the phone. She basically told me I have nothing to worry about, and that it was all small talk about work. The part that bothered me was that she said if it bothered me so much, she would stop and she did for a week but then it started back up. I have not said anything to her yet, and I'm not sure if I should. These conversations are short in length (5-7 minutes), and could really be just about work. I'm not going to ask her to not go to Calif. in two weeks, because this is really not possible, without it affecting her job. I am going to tell her (BASED ON ADVICE HERE) that I don't feel comfortable with her meeting this other man alone while she is there. I know she will see him at some meetings, but I don't want her going out to lunch, or dinner, or drinks with him. This just makes me feel too uncomfortable. I think something could happen very easily if this were the case. I don't want her put in this situation. I like to hear all points of view, before I act. I don't always take everyone's advice, and have screwed up in the past, but I'm human, shoot me. Most of your advice in my opinion has been good, even if I have'nt listen.


Russ, if your wife asks you to trust her not to sleep with him what would your answer be?

Bob


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Update: Wife is leaving for Calif. next week. I finally (yesterday) had a talk with her regarding my concerns with her meeting up with the other man alone while she was there. I told her that given the situation, I thought it would be a bad idea, and that I was not comfortable at all with it. She did admit to me (without me asking) that she still did talk to him from time to time (I know from phone records that it is about every other day) and that even though I asked her not to, she said that they had just become good talking buddies, and have become friends. She looked me in the eye and said "you have nothing to worry about, I am not going to meet up with him like that. I don't even plan on being alone with him, given what happened earlier I would be too embarrassed to anyway. But there is a chance that we will all go out to dinner (the entire group) at the end of the week. That is something that I will have to go to and you will just have to trust me. I told her I love her and that I will just have to trust her. Deep down inside I still have my doubts, but I just kept them to myself. Do I just let this go now and just trust her. She really hasn't given me any reason to doubt her other than the fact that she talks with him on the phone more than she admits to, but this could just be because she knows it would upset me.


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

If I read your post correctly, your wife was the one to approach the California guy about your sex fantasy. Regardless of your wife's intentions at this point, California boy has already started the launch sequence in his mind, and will be ready to try everything he can to make your fantasy come true. 

I would make sure he has a CLEAR understanding of your expectations for HIS behavior before your wife boards the plane. Hopefully you and your wife can team up on that project.

Just my thoughts


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Wife left for Calif. yesterday and I decided that I'm going to have to trust her (don't really have a choice other than going out there myself which is not really an option). I told her again that I am not comfortable with her meeting him at any time alone, and she said she had no plans to, and that she would probably only see him a couple of times at meetings at work, and maybe on the last day of the trip at the corporate dinner. I was going to call the guy in Calif. and tell him about my feelings but decided not to. My wife would have been very upset if I did, and at this point, decided it was not worth the argument. I am planning on checking her cell phone records while she is out there though I don't really know why, or what it would prove. I am very nervous though and will probably not get much sleep for the next 7 days, but will try.


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