# Trust destroyed by me - how can we rebuild?



## Savvy (Feb 1, 2011)

Hello, I am not sure if I am going to remain here or not; but I am desperately seeking some advice on a relationship issue that started with me. I am very much in love with my boyfriend, and can certainly see myself marrying him someday. He is the only one, and we wish to stay together and work things out despite this issue. That is a mutual decision. 

*December:*

Well the issue at hand here is trust. 
It started when I met him over a year ago. I was still with someone else who was both physically and emotionally abusive. We split in November 2009 and that is when me and my boyfriend who were then talking began to get deeper and started developing deeper more romantic feelings for one another. 
Well in December I confided in him that my ex forced sex upon me, and that is part of why I was so anti-sex so to speak. I did not care to think of dirty things or think of sex much. He was very compassionate and understanding about it. 

Unfortunately he eventually stumbled onto this website I used with my ex, while looking for something else online. We had not spoken of breaking up on it. In mid November I posted things that would never have suggested we broke up. It was out of fear, I was still not quite broken-free so to speak. I feared mentioning the break up on that site, not because I wanted to pretend we were still together, but I knew my ex's family would start trouble over it. Especially his brother and brother's girlfriend. So I kept mum. 

Needless to say it got my boyfriend a bit suspicious. Had we really broken it off or was I too afraid to truly break it off? Well I knew I had to clear that up. So I told the website, and removed my ex from my facebook. 

Things were going well enough. The only problem I had then was being evasive about my sex life and sexual history. I only told him a select few things about the sheer unpleasantness of sex and things I found dirty. My boyfriend and I were starting to get deeper into those things, and it was bringing out a side of me I feared. I did not want to come across dirty or whorish. Unfortunately some things happened in my past I have not had an easy time opening up about to ANYONE. I just want to move past them and continue to improve and grow. 

*May:*

In May my boyfriend however stumbled upon a forum I had joined back in 2006 when I got pregnant in my previous relationship (Again, he was just searching for other things I had given him permission to as a means of being secure that there was not anything more for me to hide...unfortunately...). I had originally joined to ask questions regarding morning sickness. I began to grow a rather sick fascination with the way a lot of these women were happily married and ready to have babies (I wasn't) with husbands they loved (I did not love mine), enjoyable fulfilled sex lives (mine certainly was not)... everything was just ideal. So I ended up making certain things up, such as being turned on by my husband, having great sex (I never had sex when I was pregnant with my daughter or my miscarried baby), even having it made financially (we lived with my momma). 

Well reading this was like a big blow to his system. After all I had told him about hating sex and not loving my ex he felt confused, and he confronted me right away. I told him the truth of the matter, and all I had confided in him before was indeed true. Of course I was pretty convincing on those forums. I ended up leaving them several months before I broke it off with my ex so to end the charade. 

This in turn brought forth the real trust issues because we were deeper into our own physical romance, and he often imagined me feeling those things before with my ex, and he got cynical about it. I was not always very good at reassuring him either due to my own shame about it and many things of before. Which did not help.
He just wanted to be sure I was who I always said I was. 
*
August:*

In August after a series of "mini breakups" due to my own low self esteem and self worth issues.. I chose to go out one night after one of these supposed break ups.. when I could have just run back to the man I wanted and needed.. I went out and decided to prove to myself I was nothing but the lowly trash and ***** I claimed to be. I went to our local trailer park needless to say, and solicited a stranger who had to have been my daddy's age or older for some alcohol (whiskey) and kind of had sex with him (kind of, as it was not penetrative or oral, but he bit me a lot.)
I ended up stumbling home before dawn sick as anything. 

Me and my boyfriend reconciled as we always did and I became too fearful to tell him of that fateful night. I did not want to lose him at all.. but one night at work after a long argument with myself I eventually concluded if I love him as much as I say I should tell him. It would be better if I really lost him because I did not deserve him. It felt disgusting, it was awful.. I wanted him I wanted us and I had ruined it. 

Out of fear when I first told him I said I let the man rape me, but he knew better.. and this was not helping our trust issues as it was. so I had to admit the truth. Needless to say it certainly shattered almost all trust, even to the point I thought he would never forgive me for it. (It really emphasized the original mistrust of what i confided in him being honest, insecure I may have enjoyed what i did with the man and even still paranoid everything I had said on the forums was indeed true). Eventually he did come around though, and we agreed things would be very tough but it was up to me to help restore trust if I could by not allowing these things to happen. 

Now obviously I have not slept around or anything like that, but we still suffer the aftermath of what I did in August and May and I am desperately trying to rebuild this trust, but I suffer shame issues from my own history I need to open up about. 
We just need advice, 
some better approaches, things that can help rebuild and keep our bond strong in this trying time.. and how to continually show him how sorry I am for all of this.. it is not just something to say it is something I feel in my very core., I will never love a man the way I love this man, I will never marry a man outside of this man, and I know I do NOT deserve him, but if he is willing to work this out, and he is.. I want to.. so again, advice.. rebuilding, keeping strong. It is all very appreciated. 
Sorry this is long, I needed to do it.


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hmmmm..... I very much relate to what you've posted - I haven't (I think) mentioned on this forum the way I betrayed my OH's trust, will do in this thread later if I get round to it, haven't got much time but felt you need to know yours has been read and just some of the things I spotted as key were:
telling half-truths (at the time this seems innocent, has a reason and should be insignificant... until someone else begins to query which is truth and which isn't) I remain of the view that it's human nature to tell part-stories some of the time, not an indicator of a deceitful habit. 
Feeling secure in letting someone else 'check up on you' only to realise they'll read stuff which you've embellished or whatever and by that stage they're wound up so struggle to know which bit is accurate
Uncertainty about just how much information we (generally) should, or are mature enough to cope with, know about the sexual histories of our partners. I'd thought you should be able to tell whatever, as long as none of it was lies. I now think maybe men don't like to know...... Until of course they're cross, or upset, or whatever....

However the one abiding thing my OH said was that it was up to *me* to rebuild the trust - yet at the time he said it he would not explain what that meant (has since, but the moment was long lost and we've got years of ground to make up as a result) so do your best to insist HE tells you what HE feels would make HIM feel you'd rebuilt sufficiently. that's my take on it (for the moment - as I said this is in haste!)


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He does need to give you some suggestions on what he thinks will help him trust you again. Just telling you that you need to rebuild the trust is really just saying you need to grovel and beg and let me follow your every last little move everywhere and all the time and in the end, I might not trust you anyway. You need specifics - does he want to read your emails, does he want to be able to google you anytime he wants and see what comes up, what things does he think could help. Even if he can't tell you everything he needs to feel that trust again, he should be able to give you some starting points. 

The main thing is no more lies. No more half-truths, or evasive statements. Be totally honest, and if there's anything else online that contradicts what you've told him, tell him about it before he finds it. Continuing to find that stuff is going to continue to erode trust until there's no way to build it back up again.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Two things I think you need to work on, whether or not you stay with your current boyfriend. 

Self-esteem and being truthful. I think they go hand-in-hand with you. I don't know you, and being presumptive, but I suspect that if you work on your self-esteem and see yourself as a good and worthy person that the half-truths and evasive statements will stop as well. 

I would certainly recommend therapy/counseling for the abuse. I'm sure being in an abusive relationship has caused a lot of damage to your self-esteem and you will need professional help. I say this from experience. I was physically and emotionally abuses through most of my childhood and it took a lot to move past it.


----------

