# I think my wife dislikes me



## ArmyHeart82 (Mar 28, 2013)

My wife and I have been together almost 6 years and been married for 5. I've been in and out work for for the first three of our marriage but I joined the Army to help us have a steady income. I've been in the army for over a year now. At first, she seemed very happy when I started but as I completed training it seemed she wasn't interested in me as much. I got stationed in Korea and brought my wife and 4 year old daughter here not knowing she really didn't want to come until she got here. And as soon as got here she put a stoppage on our sex life. She ended up staying only for three and half months til I sent her home. Not having any sex in that time frame. She tells me it's not me its her that has no sex drive and the thought of it repulses her. We got counseling while she was here in Korea and things got a little better between us somewhat. I have complained to her about this no sex life rule and she just tells me give her some time. I ask her if she's not attracted to me she says no. I found video she made while I was at work and asked her about it and she said it was me but she not ready for me to see it yet. She left to go back home to finish college. She says for us but I feel she hiding something from me and I have asked a couple times if she was. She barely even acknowledges her love for me . I get the are you kidding. I love my wife I'm not sure if she feels the same way for me I don't know if I'm being dramatic or what I don't know what to do at all for her


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sorry your going through this Army. Dig a bit deeper, check phone records, texts on her phone if you have access to it, computer if she has one, ect. How has your relationship been? You said you didn't know she didn't want to come with you? Did you ask her and discuss things before you brought them?


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## ArmyHeart82 (Mar 28, 2013)

I tried all that but I found nothing except I find it odd how she keeps her phone always by her side like attached to her. She tells me she was miserable when was here not from me but just being in this country. She told me several times she didn't want to come but I convinced her to. I feel that I'm good to her for what I have but to me it seems its not for her. I thought we always had good communication in our relationship until she got here and told me we've got issues we need to work together. I was shocked by this. But now she wants to act like everything is ok between us and our relationship and I hate to ignore it. I know I'm not very good at waiting


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Perhaps suggest to her that you both attend marriage counseling? Clearly there are issues and you being in the military is no doubt hard for both of you and the child.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you tried a VAR?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

What kind of video? If it was sexual she's lying about it being for you.


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## ArmyHeart82 (Mar 28, 2013)

VAR?


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Go to military one source. Free and anonymous counseling. You need someone to talk to about this. Also go see a chaplain, they are experts in this. Then ask to see your commander and tell him or her this situation. Put the support network to work for you right now or you will lose her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ArmyHeart82 said:


> VAR?


Voice activated recorder. To find out who the man is she's cheating with. That's the fallback position for a majority of the members. I personally don't think it's another man. She doesn't love you. It happens A LOT. And based on most of the responses you see here, it appears I'm the only one that gets it.

She's gone. They don't come back. Prepare yourself and enjoy your time in Korea, if you know what I mean. Don't save yourself for her. She doesn't care.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Ok I'm not naive. But if you start banging [email protected] and recording phone calls you can also give up hope of an equitable divorce not to mention you are liable under UCMJ. If you think its worth saving ask her if she's still honoring her vows. If she hesitates go see the JAG.
My previous post still stands, you don't get professional help here, you get anonymous advice from people with no equity in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you aren't being dramatic. She has a problem. Whether it's another man or something else. But she definitely has a problem.

I would think any normal Army wife would jump at the chance to be with her husband in Korea or anywhere else. You obviously get married to be with someone. Not live apart from them.

Hopefully, there's someone in a professional capacity there you can discuss this with.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

There are a lot of red flags waving --

1) She doesn't want to have sex (and I am assuming she is not making much of an effort to get tests run to find out if it is a physical/hormonal thing) 

2) She made a video which I am assuming is sexual in nature. I find this disturbing because it was either for someone else or she made it for you even though she's not sexual with you? I don't get that. 

3) She keeps her cell phone glued to her side 

All of these things could add up to an affair of some sort. Whether it be emotional or physical. 

I am an advocate of snooping when there is enough circumstantial evidence to believe someone is cheating and/or lying to me. If they won't tell me the truth and I feel something is going on then I will resort to self help. Is there a way you can get a copy of her cell phone bill? Find out who she is texting/calling? Or even go through her phone while she is sleeping? You need to get answers so you can make an informed decision on how to proceed. You are going to drive yourself crazy with uncertainty. 

And I agree with the above poster(s) about seeking some counseling. It will help put things into perspective for you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She doesn't love you the way you love her. 

Whether it's because she's cheating or she has emotional problems, that's the bottom line.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

Openminded said:


> No, you aren't being dramatic. She has a problem. Whether it's another man or something else. But she definitely has a problem.
> 
> I would think any normal Army wife would jump at the chance to be with her husband in Korea or anywhere else. You obviously get married to be with someone. Not live apart from them.


His wife did not sign up to be an 'army wife' though. he went into the army several years after they were married, and she did not want to move to another country. 

honestly, i think her unhappiness is understandable. HE made the decision to sign up for the army and take on that lifestyle. SHE did not want that, and there was no indication when she married him that he would one day want her to move halfway across the world! it's completely understandable and normal that someone would not 'jump at the chance' to uproot her life and live in a foreign country. most people never do that. 

I say this as someone who has emigrated to another country- it's a HUGE DEAL. and it's HARD. insanely hard. especially with a language barrier. even if you really WANT to be in your new country. even if you have supportive people with you. and even if you throw yourself whole-heartedly into learning the language, learning the customs, trying to find work or make friends. all of it is incredibly difficult- even the things you take for granted at home, mundane stuff like being able to have a basic conversation, or telling a joke, or a trip to the grocery store or a ride on the metro. 

even if it was your choice and you want to be there, it still is difficult and overwhelming and isolating and downright scary at times, and you will still cry yourself to sleep after a really frustrating lonely day where you feel like a dumb outsider. the difference is, if YOU truly WANT to be there, it's worth it- and the challenges can even be fun. If you do NOT want to be there in the first place, it's pure misery. this isn't something you 'jump at' just because your partner wants it. 

of course she was not happy in Korea- she never wanted to be there. And of course she is not happy with her husband; maybe both of them are to blame for lack of communication, but he made a life-changing decision and expected her to just go along with it.


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## ArmyHeart82 (Mar 28, 2013)

Thank you orangecrush what you said makes the most sense. If she upset with everything as far the army lifestyle and having her moved here in Korea what can I do to redeem myself cause I'm willing to fight for our marriage thru better or worse


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

OrangeCrush said:


> His wife did not sign up to be an 'army wife' though. he went into the army several years after they were married, and she did not want to move to another country.
> 
> honestly, i think her unhappiness is understandable. HE made the decision to sign up for the army and take on that lifestyle. SHE did not want that, and there was no indication when she married him that he would one day want her to move halfway across the world! it's completely understandable and normal that someone would not 'jump at the chance' to uproot her life and live in a foreign country. most people never do that.
> 
> ...


yet despite hardships, you didn't leave, correct? We don't know the whole story of course. But clearly there needs to be some expectation management. And hating where live is valid for not sleeping with your spouse?
Sorry I'm looking at this from top down...he's a less effective soldier when he is distracted by a wayward spouse....so I feel shes a little selfish.
So OP did you to to the onesource website yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

Gseries said:


> yet despite hardships, you didn't leave, correct? We don't know the whole story of course. But clearly there needs to be some expectation management. And hating where live is valid for not sleeping with your spouse?
> Sorry I'm looking at this from top down...he's a less effective soldier when he is distracted by a wayward spouse....so I feel shes a little selfish.


I didn't leave because it was my choice to come to the US and I whole-heartedly wanted to come here and try this. It would be a totally different story -and i would have huge resentment- if my husband decided on something as life-changing as an international move without considering what I want or how I feel about it.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

ArmyHeart82 said:


> Thank you orangecrush what you said makes the most sense. If she upset with everything as far the army lifestyle and having her moved here in Korea what can I do to redeem myself cause I'm willing to fight for our marriage thru better or worse


talk to her, i think. how long did you sign up to be there? do you know if your wife is angry or resentful about the move? ask her about it, ask her how she feels and listen. 

maybe tell her that you care about her and you want to work out a compromise for the rest of your time in Korea, so that she can be less homesick and you can spend time with her (because you love her and miss her  ). tell her that when your time is up in Korea you want to build a life with her again and you want to communicate better. things like that. if your wife has turned off of you because she does not feel like she has any input or her feelings are not taken into consideration, you can fix that.

fwiw you sound like a good person who truly cares about your wife- i don't think you were ever trying to hurt her, and you got into the army in the first place to make a better life for your family. it just sounds like you and your wife are maybe not good at communicating. if she is unhappy she should tell you why and be upfront, and she should feel like she can communicate to you and be heard and considered.


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