# Relationship Anxiety - Does it ever get better?



## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

I apologize in advance, this might not be in the right section.

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a year and up until now things have been great. About a month ago my boyfriend started becoming distant and less available to talk and I could tell something was up. I finally confronted him and he told me that he's been casually talking to a woman he met at work. He's been distant with me because he's feeling guilty that he would even seem interested in someone else. He told me that nothing sexual has happened and they're just very friendly and he catches himself thinking about her. We haven't seen each other in about 9 months and I figured that the distance had contributed to his feelings.

I was ready to break up with him until the next day I woke up to about 7 texts and a few missed phone calls. He told me that he has been in a horrible state of mind for the past few months and hasn't talked to me about it. He's ashamed of mistreating me and not telling me that he loves me enough. He promised to end all contact with the woman from work and focus on us. I was a mess during the month when he was so distant with me. I couldn't eat or sleep and I would spend most of my days crying and wondering what I had done wrong. So needless to say, I was ecstatic to hear that he loved me after that long month of uncertainty. 

After that talk, things were back to normal. Actually, they were better than normal. He was treating me like he did before the "honeymoon phase" wore out. He wanted to be in contact with me 24/7. He would text me all day long while he was at work, (been a while since we had long, long talks while he was working) call me whenever he had any sort of downtime no matter how short it was. Things were great. This continued for about 5 days and then the next day he wasn't as enthusiastic anymore. He still texted and called me occasionally, just no where near as much as before. It was back to our post-honeymoon phase relationship.

Prior to our rough patch a month before, I was the most trusting and care-free person. I never questioned it when he got caught up at work or when he would take a little longer than usual to text back. I never imagined there would ever be someone else in the picture. We had talked about moving in together soon and to me it was as perfect as a long distance relationship could be. I think it was the shock of hearing that he was talking to another woman that has made me so paranoid- but now every day I wake up in fear that today will be the day he'll become distant with me again and tell me he's found someone else. I usually wake up to a text from him and if I don't I automatically assume the worst and think he's with someone else. I'm a mess until I talk with him on the phone and reassure myself that he still sounds like he loves me. We'll have a really good night and spend hours and hours talking and he'll be so loving and I'll be so happy but by the next morning that reassurance is gone and I'm a nervous wreck until I hear from him again.

I think I'm going crazy and I'm scared I'm not emotionally stable enough to be in this relationship anymore and I sometimes feel like I should just end it so the pain will stop.. But, I love him like crazy and I'm so scared of what would happen if we were to break up. I've never been so paranoid in a relationship before and I hate it. It's like I need constant reassurance from him every second and that's a horrible way to be.

I feel so confused.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

You're addicted to the relationship. He might (or might not) be the perfect guy for you but you have an unhealthy level of attachment, especially for a long distance relationship. You are scared because your instincts are telling you this is likely going to break up and I think you're probably right. So face that fear. i.e. Don't pin all your hopes on this guy. Obviously if he's talking to other women, admits thinking about her, he's not exactly thinking you are "The One".


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He was honest with you, so you should be honest with him. Tell him you are still anxious, both about the girl he had started to become interested in, and about your relationship and how strong it is.

9 months is a long time to go without seeing each other. Do you have plans for a visit? Do you Skype?


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## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

norajane said:


> He was honest with you, so you should be honest with him. Tell him you are still anxious, both about the girl he had started to become interested in, and about your relationship and how strong it is.
> 
> 9 months is a long time to go without seeing each other. Do you have plans for a visit? Do you Skype?


Yes, we Skype every night. On the weekend sometimes for 5+ hours. Also, I'm supposed to visit in 2 weeks and I hope things go alright,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

GetTough said:


> You're addicted to the relationship. He might (or might not) be the perfect guy for you but you have an unhealthy level of attachment, especially for a long distance relationship. You are scared because your instincts are telling you this is likely going to break up and I think you're probably right. So face that fear. i.e. Don't pin all your hopes on this guy. Obviously if he's talking to other women, admits thinking about her, he's not exactly thinking you are "The One".


Thank you for the honest reply. The attachment thing is definitely the problem. The thing is though is that I wasn't like this before. I don't know if I'm capable of being as trusting as I was before. Trusting enough to not be so paranoid and over analyze every single thing he says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

He introduced a threat to your relationship. Consider yourself very, very lucky that he was able to recognize it and to tell you about it before it took over. There are a lot of people who wouldn't.

So now he's relieved that he told you and everything is back to normal, except it's not back to normal for you. You're still processing what this means to you and to your relationship. Share your thoughts and feelings with him. Let him know that it's not back to normal for you. 

Don't be so afraid that you'll lose him that you sweep this under the rug. You should express your feelings and worries or they'll keep making you anxious until he addresses them with you.


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## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

norajane said:


> He introduced a threat to your relationship. Consider yourself very, very lucky that he was able to recognize it and to tell you about it before it took over. There are a lot of people who wouldn't.
> 
> So now he's relieved that he told you and everything is back to normal, except it's not back to normal for you. You're still processing what this means to you and to your relationship. Share your thoughts and feelings with him. Let him know that it's not back to normal for you.
> 
> Don't be so afraid that you'll lose him that you sweep this under the rug. You should express your feelings and worries or they'll keep making you anxious until he addresses them with you.


I agree that I'm lucky that I didn't find after something happened. I respect him for telling me too. I really want to let him know I'm feeling. I just hope he doesn't take it wrong because right now we're not having any problems and I'm scared to rock the boat. Do you think I should wait until I see him or do it now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I guess you two have some degree of exclusivity? Ask him if he wants to remain that way and see what he says. Any hesitation on his part, or if he's evasive e.g. turns the question around on you, means you should start spending time with other men. Because in that case it would be clear that you're more into the relationship than he is. And that's not healthy for either of you. You will be clearer that you should detach a little. If he gives you a clear credible message that he does want to remain exclusive, great, you will be reassured.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

littleme said:


> I agree that I'm lucky that I didn't find after something happened. I respect him for telling me too. I really want to let him know I'm feeling. I just hope he doesn't take it wrong because right now we're not having any problems and I'm scared to rock the boat. Do you think I should wait until I see him or do it now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why are you so scared to rock the boat? How do you think he might take it wrong?


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## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

GetTough said:


> I guess you two have some degree of exclusivity? Ask him if he wants to remain that way and see what he says. Any hesitation on his part, or if he's evasive e.g. turns the question around on you, means you should start spending time with other men. Because in that case it would be clear that you're more into the relationship than he is. And that's not healthy for either of you. You will be clearer that you should detach a little. If he gives you a clear credible message that he does want to remain exclusive, great, you will be reassured.


I'm positive that he wants to be exclusive. He gets jealous when I talk to any other guy. Not overwhelming jealousy but it bothers him. I think I'm just feeling so insecure about this other woman and I don't think I'll feel okay until I have a thorough talk with him about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littleme (Jun 16, 2013)

norajane said:


> Why are you so scared to rock the boat? How do you think he might take it wrong?


I'm scared he'll think that he's doing something wrong. He's not, he's being very normal and very loving. I'm just not okay yet like he is and I want to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

littleme said:


> I'm scared he'll think that he's doing something wrong. He's not, he's being very normal and very loving. I'm just not okay yet like he is and I want to be.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him to imagine how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one who had started thinking about another guy. That should help him understand that this is something you need to keep talking about until you're both comfortable.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

littleme said:


> I'm positive that he wants to be exclusive. He gets jealous when I talk to any other guy.


Well sure he wants YOU to be exclusive. What do you want? Do you want HIM to be exclusive? Clearly he is not, emotionally. He's more or less told you that he's feeling inclined to cheat, even if he cares about you and is attached to you. Exclusivity is something he seems to be having a problem with. The question it may be worth trying to answer is Why. Maybe its the distance. His actions will speak for themselves.


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