# Emotional Affair: Pushing the Definition



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

There is great deal of condemnation on here for cheating, rightly so. However, the definition of an emotional affair seems to be stretched rather. 

Assuming the a spouse if giving their partner emotional support and not getting any in return, they likely to start finding others for emotional support. They are also likely to be finding other people sexually attractive. If the person finds some friendship wit someone of the opposite sex, they will become more attractive to them. If they stop it there and do not go any further, I would not think of that as something they should be ashamed of. It is unfortunate, but nothing more and to compare it with sleeping with other people behind the back of a loving spouse in misleading.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

The grayness lies in the level of intimacy shared. If I share very personal thoughts, feelings, etc to another man (not my husband), I have now put that man in an elevated position than my husband. If I'm depositing energy into a relationship that is exclusionary to my spouse, I'm just playing with fire and feeding the flame with every interaction....it's called boundaries.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this is one reason it is so important to be willing to provide emotional suppport for your spouse.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Assuming the a spouse if giving their partner emotional support and not getting any in return, they likely to start finding others for emotional support. They are also likely to be finding other people sexually attractive. If the person finds some friendship wit someone of the opposite sex, they will become more attractive to them. If they stop it there and do not go any further, I would not think of that as something they should be ashamed of.


I don't compare an emotional attachment with having sex with another person and I would find it _*somewhat*_ easier to forgive an emotional affair than a physical affair, which I would not forgive under any circumstances. That being said, I don't want my wife getting close to or receiving emotional support from another man, I don't care what the reasons are. This is one of the reasons why there are not any opposite sex friendships (for either of us) in our marriage.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Mr the thing that also muddies the water is the gender thing. If you have a same gender best friend that you share everything with it's not consider an EA and seems to be tolerated. I wonder if that will change now that gay marriage is legal in the US and is far more accepted as normal in society.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If things are happening that you wouldn't openly share with your spouse or that you want to hide from them, then you are crossing the line into an EA.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with Jb. If you're talking to another person about things that are inappropriate or that you wouldn't want your spouse to find out about (because clearly you know they would be hurt/angry/jealous).....then it's very much wrong and far into EA field.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Yet, I still see grey. My wife thought the marriage was only struggling because I was going through a stressful time and just had to snap out of it and that I was fortunate to have her emotional support. Eventually, I discussed issues with family and a friend. It also took an MC whose jaw dropped a couple of times for me to be assured I was not the crazy one. I also had female friends, whom I did not discuss intimate issues with, but did rely on for emotional support. Some on here would classify that as EA, but I cannot say I feel guilty about it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> I also had female friends, whom I did not discuss intimate issues with, but did rely on for emotional support. Some on here would classify that as EA, but I cannot say I feel guilty about it.


If you didn't cross any lines and you didn't become emotionally dependent on her/them, then maybe it's OK ... As long as your wife would be OK with it. Did she know about it and was she OK with it? If she didn't know about it ... why didn't she?

I would have a difficult time with it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> There is great deal of condemnation on here for cheating, rightly so. However, the definition of an emotional affair seems to be stretched rather.
> 
> Assuming the a spouse if giving their partner emotional support and not getting any in return, they likely to start finding others for emotional support. They are also likely to be finding other people sexually attractive. If the person finds some friendship wit someone of the opposite sex, they will become more attractive to them. If they stop it there and do not go any further, I would not think of that as something they should be ashamed of. It is unfortunate, but nothing more and to compare it with sleeping with other people behind the back of a loving spouse in misleading.



Get emotional support from someone of the same sex. Never from someone of the opposite sex. Its playing with fire and opening the door to all sorts of things, and none of them good.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The Middleman said:


> I don't compare an emotional attachment with having sex with another person and I would find it _*somewhat*_ easier to forgive an emotional affair than a physical affair, which I would not forgive under any circumstances. That being said, I don't want my wife getting close to or receiving emotional support from another man, I don't care what the reasons are. This is one of the reasons why there are not any opposite sex friendships (for either of us) in our marriage.


 I am with you on this, neither of us have close friendships with a member of the opposite sex either, its asking for trouble. Never go to an opposites sex person with issues and problems.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> There is great deal of condemnation on here for cheating, rightly so. However, the definition of an emotional affair seems to be stretched rather.
> 
> Assuming the a spouse if giving their partner emotional support and not getting any in return, they likely to start finding others for emotional support. They are also likely to be finding other people sexually attractive. If the person finds some friendship wit someone of the opposite sex, they will become more attractive to them. If they stop it there and do not go any further, I would not think of that as something they should be ashamed of. It is unfortunate, but nothing more and to compare it with sleeping with other people behind the back of a loving spouse in misleading.


This is true. I have a male best friend and neither of us get the emotional support we need at home. I was shocked at the horrible attitude of some people. We are on opposite sides of the world.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

There is often the joke in my working environment about "work wives" as someone you can share with like a wife and you can see where the word is used quite accurately. 

When I bring home my daily challenges of the workplace my wife has little tolerance to listen through a discussion for many reasons of her choosing, often falling in to support for the antagonistic situation I am navigating through instead of me. Because I have found this often carries the disagreement from work to home and because I am not allowed to share my frustrations, she and I both know I will not discuss the most frustrating work things with her nor could I with outside friends because of the confidentiality of many of these frustrations. Hence I will share many frustrations with my peer administrators in my division, who are mostly female, and look for that emotional support from them when "what's wrong with these people" may be the theme of the day so that I have harmony at home.

When we share our frustrations that way, we know it is not to get into another's pants, that would be a breach of trust, and I have often been referred to as a "brother from another mother" by several and I have that same openness with them as I have with my own sister who lives far away. 

Love takes many forms, especially in friendships, it's how one acts on those loves that become the hurdles in an opposite-sex relationship. When my father passed away several months ago and I called in to HR to initiate my leave, that director (one of my stated peers above) ended the conversation with "I'm so sorry EB, I know you are hurting, love you" without a second thought and I knew exactly how she meant it because of our friendship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> This is true. I have a male best friend and neither of us get the emotional support we need at home. I was shocked at the horrible attitude of some people. We are on opposite sides of the world.


Shouldnt your spouse be your best friend of the opposite sex? How about getting support from a friend of the same sex?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

This is a hard one and I have been on both sides. It is hard to watch when your spouse is obviously enamored with someone else or several someone elses. After trying and trying to fix things, after awhile it just seems easier to find someone else to talk and laugh with so you don't go insane.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Wel an EA is a grey area, but the fact is that the overwhelming number of folks who wind up in affairs do not leave the house looking for someone to have a PA with.

Whether it is at work or social activities, most affairs start with "innocent" sharing and support, then progress to more intimate details, then physical attraction, and then a PA. 

Someone said it earlier. If you are having conversations with a member of the opposite sex that you would be horrified if your spouse was listening to then you have crossed the line.

By the way the same is true for girls night out or boys night out. If you are a participant in anything that you would be not doing if your spouse was sitting across the room, then you have crossed the line there also.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

People act as if an EA is less than a PA, but the fact is that left unchecked an EA will most assuredly progress into a PA. A quick roll in the hay as opposed to a long romance leading to an inevitable passionate PA... which is ultimately more destructive?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> People act as if an EA is less than a PA, but the fact is that left unchecked an EA will most assuredly progress into a PA. A quick roll in the hay as opposed to a long romance leading to an inevitable passionate PA... which is ultimately more destructive?


A PA can give a disease. Looks objectively more destructive, at least to me.

To me an EA means the WS's emotional needs are not being met. If the BS can get meeting them, the marriage can probably be healed pretty quickly.

The BS may also realize they simply cannot meet, or are not interested in meeting, the emotional needs of the WS, and a divorce might be the best path forward for both.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

btterflykisses said:


> This is true. I have a male best friend and neither of us get the emotional support we need at home. I was shocked at the horrible attitude of some people. We are on opposite sides of the world.





Diana7 said:


> Shouldnt your spouse be your best friend of the opposite sex? How about getting support from a friend of the same sex?


Ummm... btterflykisses, your situation doesn't really help your case. 



btterflykisses said:


> This has happened to me but online. *We are crazy about each other but worlds apart and both married.* In a way I am so thankful because I have been married for 20 years and have never cheated on my husband. You have to keep your distance and keep it all about work. *I wish I had never met this other person because once the feelings are shared its like trying to collect up a bag of feathers that have been blown away on a windy day.*


He is not merely your best friend, btterflykisses.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jld said:


> A PA can give a disease. Looks objectively more destructive, at least to me.
> 
> To me an EA means the WS's emotional needs are not being met. If the BS can get meeting them, the marriage can probably be healed pretty quickly.
> 
> The BS may also realize they simply cannot meet, or are not interested in meeting, the emotional needs of the WS, and a divorce might be the best path forward for both.


One of the few times I actually agree with jld. Yes, an EA can be destructive to the marriage. For myself, I can't say I would continue in a marriage with PA. EA, yes, and we have. But crossing that line to actual physical intimacy... I am just not sure I could stay married. 

But, as jld stated, if the emotional support returns, it is possible to heal the marriage. But only if both willing to do so.


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