# Is my wife therapist unethical?



## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

First I should explain that I'm very sick and am on disability with a auto immune disease that has caused me to lose one of my lungs and has caused sever small fiber neuropathy and degeneration of me spine. This has put a lot of stress on my wife as a care taker watching me in so much pain and not being able to do any about it and worried about me dying. So My wife is going to counseling to deal with this as well as issues with her parents and issues in our marriage. 

Being in so much pain and also the side effect of the medicine have taken away my sexual desires. My wife understands that, this counselor made a suggestion to my wife as one way to deal with this is to take on a lover. I was horrified our marriage was in a state that if some man had started paying attentioni to her that this could of happened.

My wife and worked out a lot of stuff and I have been trying to be a better husband despite being sick and she has said that she has really seen me trying and thing have bee going really well until her last session yesterday. Where she told my wife that I a behavior addiction because I like to spend a lot of time on the computer and video games. Of course I took issue this and explained that see is only seeing a very small section of a picture and only from my wife's point of view, and my wife is upset at me now because I refuse to admit I'm an addict and I need to get treatment as an addict. I play video games because it takes my mind of the pain and its a distraction. Wife has always resented the computer because in the early years of our my marriage I would always go play on it to get a away from ranting so she still hate them because of that.

Is is it ethical for this counselor to offer a lover as an option for my wife and then to make a diagnosis of my behavior to my wife causing more conflict with us?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, about the video games...there could be an addiction. Even if you are using it as an escape from pain, it could easily become an addiction. BUT, that has NOTHING on the therapist suggesting that your wife take a lover. My first thought was WHAT. THE. FVCK?!?!?!?! It is very unethical. Your wife told you this, I assume. Honestly, I would bring this to the attention of the therapist's supervisor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before you got sick... where you using the computer to get away from your wife ranting? Or were you using it to keep yourself from ranting at her?

How many hours a day do you spend on the computer?

Was it unethical for her counselor to say an affair was an option? Since I was not there I do not know the contect in which this was said. If the counselor really meant it not cool at all.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wow! Ridiculous! Time for a new counselor! Call that office first thing in the AM and report the incident to her superiors. Don't fall for the that "it was taken out off context" bs. Something like that should have never been said. Report them to the state governing agency and any affiliated boards. Sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your family doesn't need crap like that too. Try and give your wife a little more with the game stuff. You already know she needs some more help from you. It's very little to give up, try a book. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That does appear to be an idiotic thing for the counsellor to say.

What does the counsellor suggest? That you take up jogging?

The suggestion that your wife take a lover is not only unethical but in some jurisdictions, might even be illegal.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes he should report it immediately to the supervisor. Odds are the therapist did not really say this unless you her it directly form them. Your wife is probably spinning a little. 

Anyway, a new counselor is in order it seems.

And yes your wife may have brought this up in a leading way and took what she was told as validation. Maybe she told you this to get you to change your behavior. The counselor may believe that women have the right to have lovers on the side if they think they will be happier. That would mean they have a different value system than many.

I can't help but wonder if the genders were reversed if folks would not be bashing on the husband for considering a lover .... perhaps. On this forum this works both ways of course. A gender bias does creep in. 

I do think you need to do what you can anc change what you can to do things with your wife. Stop doing things that are purely self centered. Start today.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't know that there is anything wrong or unethical for the therapist to say either one. Maybe it is, but I don't know all of the ethics and conditions they are supposed to abide by. If it's not breaking some kind of rule, then the way I see it is she is your wife's therapist and not a marriage counselor for the both of you. Therefore, one of the jobs of the individual counselor is to help a person solve their problems and give them the tools and skills for relating to and coping with their life and the problems they must face.

I know how easy (and very common) it is to find an outsider to blame. One good example is when a husband or wife wants to beat up, curse out, and be angry with the person their spouse is having an affair with. They want to blame the affair partner, rather than blaming and being angry with their spouse for the infidelity. In your case, you want to blame the therapist for something she obviously did not pull out of thin air. There has to be a reason she said those things, and that is what you have not considered. You automatically jumped to blaming the therapist without even considering your wife's role in what prompted the therapist's advice.

In other words, your wife is the one who complained that you spend too much time on the computer and video games. Is the therapist in your home watching your every move? Is she there timing how much time you spend on the computer and video games? No she isn't. She had no idea what you do from dawn to dusk and didn't give your wife advice based on nothing that she pulled from her imagination. So why blame the therapist for offering your wife the clinical definition of someone who spends too much time on the computer and video games when your wife complained of you spending too much time on the computer and video games? That is what your wife complained about, so that is what the therapist helped her to understand is going on.

Similarly, your wife is the one who complained of her sex life. Again, the therapist didn't imagine there were any problems on that account, so why blame the therapist for offering your wife a solution to what your wife sees as a problem worth complaining about? In the absense of any other options short of living without sexual satisfaction ever again, the therapist suggested the only way she could see your wife getting what she needs. This is part of the therapist's job, and I'm sure was not intended to hurt you in any way. Her patient/client is the one she is supposed to be concerned about.

If anyone, I think your wife is the unethical person in this scenario. She came home telling you what the therapist said but never confessed to what she, herself, said to the therapist. Therefore, she gave you a skewed version of their session, resulting in her looking like the innocent party and you the injured party. And, you didn't process it out in your head. You just immediately jumped to being angry with the therapist for saying such things.

Additionally, I think your wife is unethical to tell you about any of it. It was cruel of her to tell you something in such a manner she knew would hurt your feelings. That was incredibly insensitive to your feelings. If your illness is such that you are unable to satisfy her in bed the way she needs you to, then she has no compassion for your condition by telling of their discussion like that. I perfectly understand she still has needs and desires, so she spoke with her therapist about that just as she speaks of practically everything about her life. But, she didn't have to tell you about it that way.

Not to be harsh or insensitive myself, her taking a lover may be something for the two of you to consider as a viable option. It doesn't have to mean she loves you any less or that she won't continue to help with your care. It only means, for your consideration, that she is not ill or invalid. She still has inclinations that she shouldn't have to abandon, especially since there is no way to abandon them. I really understand if that is not a possibility you wish to entertain. Still, it may be something to think about, and then you and your wife can discuss it openly and honestly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

River is spot on. And I will add this: Not to make light of your condition, but if computer games are a sore spot in your marriage, why are you not looking for other ways to take your mind off your pain, ways that won't upset your wife? There are only about 30 million books in the world that you could be reading. There are books you could be reading together.

There are also chess, checkers, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, Monopoly, and a few thousand other games you two could be spending time together doing, to strengthen and improve your marriage, instead of you just sitting in front of a machine while she is ignored.

She could be helping you with physical therapy. You could be doing yoga or tai chi together. You could be going on walks together or, if you can't walk, you could use a wheelchair.

Bottom line is this: you two are VERY entrenched in your own, individual behaviors. That's not a marriage, so it's no surprise she's complaining about you to her therapist. But you have the tools at your disposal to make a change, in which she will fall in love with you again, instead of getting to the point where she only stays out of guilt. It's up to you.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

loud_rocker said:


> Is is it ethical for this counselor to offer a lover as an option for my wife and then to make a diagnosis of my behavior to my wife causing more conflict with us?


To my knowledge, there is nothing in the ABPN or the Board of Psychology ethics code that specifically prohibits a therapist from recommending that a lady find a lover. Just like the U.S. Penal Code does not explicitly prohibit a [email protected] from being a [email protected] Your wife just needs to be careful with whose advice she takes close to heart. 

If a random stranger told her to eat ****, would she do it just because they said so? Well this therapist is a perfect stranger, and just because they completed four years of postgraduate general/specialized education in psychology, cognitive psych, developmental and whatever else they completed, it doesn't automatically qualify them to make recommendations that involve infidelity in a marriage, regardless of the situation.

Just a few things to think about...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Makes me wonder tho.... if you really really got into jigsaw puzzles, would it still be called an addiction? 

Monopoly, scrabble, books, crosswords, and all those games...can be played online. 

I think what some are trying to say is.... are you neglecting your wife? Are you treating her well? Spending quality time together?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All the things I suggested, with the exception of reading books, could be done together.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you have an addiction, then it's not the therapist's job to insist that your wife cope by making you admit to it and get therapy for it. It's the therapist's job to help her cope with her world as it is. Sometimes therapists will suggest really far out ideas in order to shock the client into deciding where their parameters are. Most people, me included, would probably do a knee-jerk on the take on a lover suggestion, can the therapist and get on with their lives, realizing that they and only they are capable of deciding how best to cope given their daily landscape. People who are looking for permission to do something they've already thought of, will take the suggestion as permission. From an outside source though. Pretty much the therapist is doing you a favor in that respect by accelerating the process and making it an open one that you can know about and evaluate and then decide what to do. I mean, your wife doesn't have to take someone telling her to do that seriously, but she can choose to take it seriously.

I canned a therapist because when I told her I intended to apply to graduate school at Dartmouth, she asked me why I thought I would get in. And acted like it was unreasonable. Of course I applied, and I got in, and I graduated and even got a citation for excellence. Then I worked in my program as a teaching assistant for a bit, too.

Some therapists do push the limits. They suggest outrageous things like taking lovers and well maybe your husband is an addict...

Of course, your reaction could be, okay I will see an addiction specialist to be assessed and we'll see if I am truly addicted or if it is your perception.

I was misdiagnosed once as having psychotic anxiety. Instead of shirking from that, I took it seriously. I went to one of the best mental health centers in the US, to the walk-in clinic. I went through the whole evaluation. I did not have psychotic anxiety. I did not have any diagnosis, except PTSD from the misdiagnosis (duh.) It finally turned out I'd had allergic anaphylaxis. But the point is, if someone accuses you of having an addiction, go to get assessed. If you are addicted, you can get treatment, if you aren't then that's one less monkey on your back, and it's up to you to decide if the time spent playing video games has some kind of curve that has a point where there are diminishing returns, beyond which you might want to curtail (or not). 

It seems like there is a lot of theory and conjecture going on used to create some kind of verbal chaos and not enough actual fact finding or reality checks. 

Maybe the therapist just wants to make sure to have income for the next year or two.

I spent three hours in the kitchen this afternoon making zucchini bread with icing, and homemade macaroni and cheese for my kids, and cleaning up. I wonder if i am addicted to the kitchen...and since there is nobody around who cares, is it still an addiction, or does an addiction need to have someone that it bothers (I thought it was just that it needed to interfere with the addictee's daily life, i.e. working, taking care of oneself, and that it needed to be causing some kind of personal distress, that came from within...seems like your distress is coming from someone else. I mean, really, if you spent all that time with her she would probably resent spending time with you on top of everything else she does for you...but you won't know until you try to find out.)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe you should go with your wife to this therapist for a visit.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Such a statement would not have necessarily violated the Code of Ethics that was in practice when I actively worked in the mental health field some years ago, but it is definitely borderline.

I think if you take it to a supervisor, the issue would focus on whether the counselor's advice was harmful to the patient's stated goals for therapy or likely to cause harm. Obviously, the second part is where this therapist could be flirting with trouble. However, it would also be easy for the therapist to defend it as a rhetorical question or something your wife initiated discussion about.

As a therapist, the counselor should be sensitive to the patient's needs, but isn't obligated to meet the patient's family members' needs. One thing I think is important (but wouldn't be examined in this case) is the trusted authority dynamic that takes place during therapy, which can be an ethical concern but as stated earlier, it isn't specifically prohibited to suggest something "far out."


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

To be honest with you, I think your wife is handing you a line of bull**** as NO counselor is going to say, "Oh..you're husband is disabled and can't perform...go have an affair.."

Very. Unlikey!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ethical or not. I believe there is a more important question and that is does this therapist share and reflect the same values and morals as you and your wife. 

The lover suggestion is certainly anti marriage and would cause you deep personal pain as well as likely end your marriage. So suggesting it is certainly stupid and very bad advice. Nearly as bad as advising a depressed person that suicide or hard drugs offer options for getting away from their problems. 

I do think it is questionable and irresponsible of any therapist to be offering diagnosies without first examination the subject in this case you. You may well have a video game problem. But diagnosing you via your wife's anecdotes is not appropriate for a professional to do. Instead she should have suggested you get it checked out by talking to someone yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

On the sex front , if you are able to play video games for hours perhaps you could find some time to help your wife out a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I can't help but wonder if the genders were reversed if folks would not be bashing on the husband for considering a lover .... perhaps.


I was wondering the same thing. For some reason SOME people take a man's sexual needs more seriously than women's sexual needs.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I think the IC should have suggested for the wife to try masturbating with the husbands help.


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## Princess_Lily (Jun 8, 2012)

I think you have every right to question this, ethically. Your wifes' therapist IMHO is not good for your marriage, but that is just because I come from a very traditional marriage mindset. However remember there are other couples in this world who believe in swinging, and open marriages so a traditional therapist may not be the best for them.

What does your wife think of this recommendation? I would discuss this calmly and openly with your wife, and also request for her to change therapists.


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## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> To be honest with you, I think your wife is handing you a line of bull**** as NO counselor is going to say, "Oh..you're husband is disabled and can't perform...go have an affair.."
> 
> Very. Unlikey!!!


One thing my wife is and that is honest, she told me hesitantly because she was so shocked by the statement, and she said flat out no and the therapist said I didn't think you would go for that. Then why the hell put that in her mind. 

I have really been much better at paying more attention to my wife and things have going well and she even said she's noticed a difference and she has been much better to. It wasn't until this last visit when the therapist said that I was a addict that she got all upset again, it's like a confirmation she's been wanting to hear all of our marriage that I'm the problem and everything has been my fault.

What gets me is what the hell am supposed to do all day when I'm alone what difference does it make if I'm on the computer?

My wife forgets that I'm sick sometimes even though she denies it and thinks I should be cleaning the house and doing laundry (i do help out some with the laundry) and I should be cooking dinner. Her therapist says if I can spend time playing a game I can do those other things which is a load of crap. I'm not a lazy person, before I got sick I always cleaned and vacuumed around the house and helped out with laundry. I like a clean house so I did more cleaning than my wife. There's a big difference between looking at a computer screen and cooking dinner. I just don't have the strength for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

recent cloud, that is SO inspiring! OP, I agree! What are YOU going to do with all this newfound time on your hands?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loud_rocker said:


> My wife forgets that I'm sick sometimes even though she denies it and thinks I should be cleaning the house and doing laundry (i do help out some with the laundry) and I should be cooking dinner. Her therapist says if I can spend time playing a game I can do those other things which is a load of crap. I'm not a lazy person, before I got sick I always cleaned and vacuumed around the house and helped out with laundry. I like a clean house so I did more cleaning than my wife. There's a big difference between looking at a computer screen and cooking dinner. I just don't have the strength for it.


She's giving you valuable information here, rocker. She wants confirmation that she hasn't just turned into your nursemaid. What is SHE getting out of the marriage these days? It can't take more effort to talk than it does to play a game. And it certainly doesn't take more effort to read a book than to play a game. And if you read a book, then you've got something to TALK to her about when she gets home from work, while she's doing the housework and everything else. It's focused on HER, not yourself. And remember, a woman's #1 Emotional Need is almost always talk. 

And instead of playing a video game all day, you could be starting up a nonprofit or joining someone else's, and be doing some good for the world - ANOTHER thing you'd have to talk about when she gets home. And then she can start getting a little more admiration for her husband, who's using his misfortune to his advantage and to the advantage of others.

I'm not trying to bash you, I feel bad for your situation, but you're really really lucky that she's there for you given the situation, so it would behoove you to turn this around from what she's doing to YOU, into what you can do for HER. All HER dreams have been shattered, too, you know?


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

loud_rocker said:


> Is is it ethical for this counselor to offer a lover as an option for my wife and then to make a diagnosis of my behavior to my wife causing more conflict with us?


Well yeah! I would sure think its pretty messed up to recommend taking on another lover!! WTH??

Maybe buy her a Pearl playtoy but not another lover! geez...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Such a statement would not have necessarily violated the Code of Ethics that was in practice when I actively worked in the mental health field some years ago, but it is definitely borderline.
> 
> *I think if you take it to a supervisor, the issue would focus on whether the counselor's advice was harmful to the patient's stated goals for therapy or likely to cause harm. Obviously, the second part is where this therapist could be flirting with trouble. However, it would also be easy for the therapist to defend it as a rhetorical question or something your wife initiated discussion about.*
> 
> As a therapist, the counselor should be sensitive to the patient's needs, but isn't obligated to meet the patient's family members' needs. One thing I think is important (but wouldn't be examined in this case) is the trusted authority dynamic that takes place during therapy, which can be an ethical concern but as stated earlier, it isn't specifically prohibited to suggest something "far out."


This makes sense. But what it tells me is that she needs a new counselor. Because this one may indeed be totally focused on her and not your family. Get a more family friendly counselor.

That said you do need to work on yourself. It is good advice for you to get counseling for all of your issues. Go ahead and assume you do have an addiction to deal with. Get addcited to doing things with your wife before she moves on to other men.

I think having your wife get a lover is beyond absurd by the way. 
FWIW, while I insist that sexual fullfilment is a deal breaker for me, that boundary is all about a willful lack of meeting this need over a very long period. In other words that would her refusng to work on the issues. If my wife had an illness I certainly am not going to take another lover. I suggest that you focus on doing things with her. Get counseling to help you. Also learn to give her sexual satisfaction in other ways. But have the emotional connection as part of this so start putting your attention on her.

Good luck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Probably already said but you should report the therapist to the approprite governing board or council right away


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> On the sex front , if you are able to play video games for hours perhaps you could find some time to help your wife out a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Love Song said:


> I was wondering the same thing. For some reason SOME people take a man's sexual needs more seriously than women's sexual needs.


Part of the reason I am always suggesting His Needs Her Needs. People vary one on one while a population has trends. Some folks will condone a woman taking a lover and a usually but not always a different set of people would suggest a man take a lover. Some folks are just not into rigid monogamy so they see marriages in a more open light on that continuum.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> She's giving you valuable information here, rocker. She wants confirmation that she hasn't just turned into your nursemaid. What is SHE getting out of the marriage these days? It can't take more effort to talk than it does to play a game. And it certainly doesn't take more effort to read a book than to play a game. And if you read a book, then you've got something to TALK to her about when she gets home from work, while she's doing the housework and everything else. It's focused on HER, not yourself. And remember, a woman's #1 Emotional Need is almost always talk.
> 
> And instead of playing a video game all day, you could be starting up a nonprofit or joining someone else's, and be doing some good for the world - ANOTHER thing you'd have to talk about when she gets home. And then she can start getting a little more admiration for her husband, who's using his misfortune to his advantage and to the advantage of others.
> 
> I'm not trying to bash you, I feel bad for your situation, but you're really really lucky that she's there for you given the situation, so it would behoove you to turn this around from what she's doing to YOU, into what you can do for HER. All HER dreams have been shattered, too, you know?


Pure Gold


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

One of my very good friends has an older husband who is disabled. In fact, she practically married him while he was in a wheel chair. He insisted on standing for the ceremony though. He is in constant pain as well and can't really do much around the house.

What they do is play games together (both video/computer and board games), go out to movies, go 'hiking' (the local trails have wheelchair accessible paths), and always go grocery shopping together. I never really asked what they do in the bedroom, but I assume they agree on whatever it is (they _don't_ have an open marriage, that I do know). They still have cutsie pet names for each other and they are going on 9 years together. Bleh! 

Anyway, on another note, my husband was addicted to computer games so I kinda see where your wife is coming from. Looking back, my husband was depressed but it took a long time for me to see that. When I did and talked to him honestly about it, he backed off on the games. If you are really addicted, then you can slowly back off a bit and try to focus on something else even if it's not an active thing like cleaning or cooking. My husband's friend loves to read and write. In fact, I'm still surprised he hasn't tried to submit one of his novels to a publisher for review yet. It will take time, but if you two are honestly communicating then she should see that you are trying. 

tl;dr....Now, about the 'unethical' comment your wife's therapist made, I'd call her office and ask a supervisor (if she works in a multi-therapist office) and talk to them about it. A few PP might be correct in that she was trying to shock your wife into a reaction to see exactly where she stood.....or your wife is up to no good. Only a call to the therapist or her boss could start to rule out one or the other.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

loud_rocker said:


> *One thing my wife is and that is honest, she told me hesitantly because she was so shocked by the statement, and she said flat out no and the therapist said I didn't think you would go for that. Then why the hell put that in her mind. *
> 
> I have really been much better at paying more attention to my wife and things have going well and she even said she's noticed a difference and she has been much better to. It wasn't until this last visit when the therapist said that I was a addict that she got all upset again, it's like a confirmation she's been wanting to hear all of our marriage that I'm the problem and everything has been my fault.
> 
> ...


So the bolded is a postive view. Yes, she could have just taken the advice. The fact she was honest with you is good. But it is also a cry for help.

Do what you can sexually for her. When she is around ypu need to give her your full attention.


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## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> She's giving you valuable information here, rocker. She wants confirmation that she hasn't just turned into your nursemaid. What is SHE getting out of the marriage these days? It can't take more effort to talk than it does to play a game. And it certainly doesn't take more effort to read a book than to play a game. And if you read a book, then you've got something to TALK to her about when she gets home from work, while she's doing the housework and everything else. It's focused on HER, not yourself. And remember, a woman's #1 Emotional Need is almost always talk.
> 
> And instead of playing a video game all day, you could be starting up a nonprofit or joining someone else's, and be doing some good for the world - ANOTHER thing you'd have to talk about when she gets home. And then she can start getting a little more admiration or her husband, who's using his misfortune to his advantage and to the advantage of others.
> 
> I'm not trying to bash you, I feel bad for your situation, but you're really really lucky that she's there for you given the situation, so it would behoove you to turn this around from what she's doing to YOU, into what you can do for HER. All HER dreams have been shattered, too, you know?


That is wonderful advice and I get that, and I have been working on that because she felt that she been taken for granted and I didn't realize how hard it was for her to watch me getting sicker. I have been trying be for affectionate even
though I though feel well. I still try to take care of her needs sexually.

I'm very blessed and I think a lot of woman probably wouldn't of stuck around through this sickness unless they were just plain cold and looking for the insurance money. We've gone through a lot together and she has always been by my side and we've both been faithful for 20 yrs which a lot of people can't say.

It's not just the computer, its anything that I do. That she gets upset about. I'm a very talented guitarist and songwriter, and some time ago I had gotten a record deal, but she acted the same way as she does about the computer, she let me go out CA to record but she made it so hard on me that I ended up getting out of deal. She sabotages everything I want to do. I was inches away from getting my private pilots licence, but she made it so difficult on me that I couldn't finish and once I started getting sick I was finished for good.

One of our biggest problems is that when ever she gets mad she always go's through her list of everything I have every done to make her mad. Everything was going good, I was paying more attention to her, she was being nicer to me, she promised would throw away her list, until her stupid therapist labeled me an addict. All of of sudden I am different person in eyes because I've been labeled an addict.

I am really trying hard. I want to be a good husband and good father. If I ask my wife to change therapists she will she it as a threat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then we're getting a little more detail. She's not such a saint, is she? Your dynamics are skewed.

OK, I have a new task for you: Read these two books (quick reads) and report back what you've learned - No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.

I'll tell you why after you read them. It's important.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

This therapist has to go,he/she is bad influence on your marriage.
Make your wife change therapist and also call her current therapist's supervisor and tell that this therapist is instead of helping your marriage doing opposite.

Why doesn't your wife want you to play computer games?
Are you not giving her enough attention,if so change that.
If she would rather prefer you reading some novel instead of playing computer games then no don't do that and stand up for yourself,not everyone likes reading novels.

From your last post it seems like your wife is very controlling and it was her that took you for granted with you doing more around the house then her and you can't do it now which she doesn't like and wants to force you to do things even tho you can't.

Overall you need to not let her control you and stand up for yourself,like I said do whatever is fun for you in your spare time and not whatever she thinks is fun for you.
How would she feel if you wanted her to play computer games instead of doing something else she does for fun in her spare time?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NewM said:


> Overall you need to not let her control you and stand up for yourself,like I said do whatever is fun for you in your spare time and not whatever she thinks is fun for you.


That's what the books I recommended are for.


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## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ok, then we're getting a little more detail. She's not such a saint, is she? Your dynamics are skewed.
> 
> OK, I have a new task for you: Read these two books (quick reads) and report back what you've learned - No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.
> 
> I'll tell you why after you read them. It's important.


Ok I bought Hold on to your NUTS and will read that one first. I didnt realize that she was being controling. Every arguement we have ever had is always about me. I'm not a saint and admit that I have been selfish in the past and have neglected her my attention but surely I can't be resposnsible for every arguments. I'm 11 yrs her senior and she has some real issues with her dad and I think sometime that spills on to me or maybe I'm just making a bit of a stretch.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

Wow! I'm sorry sorry to hear you health is so bad! It doesn't sound like you can get around much. Your wife is probably suffering from caretaker's fatigue. The counselor is an idiot. I've run into a lot of them. You're not an addicted, you a victim of circumstance. What may help is if someone can come over a couple of times a weeks to give your wife a break. I don't know if you can afford an in-home care person but it would be worth looking into.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, now it's become even worse. She married you to get a father figure AND you became a beta and you never stood up for yourself. You RAISED a spoiled brat.

Make sure you read up about boundaries, and quick!

Basically, a boundary is you realizing that you deserve equal treatment, and relaying to your spouse that you EXPECT equal treatment, and then deciding on a boundary/consequence if she refuses to treat you equally, and then carrying OUT that boundary consequence if she still refuses to treat you as an equal. An easy example is you explain calmly that you will not be yelled at. If she then yells at you, you leave the room. If she follows you into the next room so she can continue yelling at you (and win), you leave the house for a couple hours. If she waits and yells at you the minute you walk back in the house, you turn right around and go to a hotel overnight. If she waits and yells again when you come home the next day, you stay away two days. Again, 4 days. Again, a week. Again, a month. Each time you show that you WILL enforce your boundary, and you DO. Eventually, she will either learn to RESPECT your boundary (treat you with respect), or she will suffer your consequence (loss of you).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loud_rocker said:


> I didnt realize that she was being controling. Every arguement we have ever had is always about me.


It's a guy's instinct, often, to just let her make it all about you. But that is harmful to your marriage, long term. You EACH have to get your Emotional Needs met, and you EACH have to stop Love Busting each other. 

Start making it about her, too. Start with something small. If she says 'you never fold the towels right,' reply with 'I feel unloved when you criticize how I fold the towels.'

Notice you are NOT getting involved in a tit-for-tat. You are NOT using "You never" - that never works, lol. Always make it how you feel when she does ABC.


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## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> It's a guy's instinct, often, to just let her make it all about you. But that is harmful to your marriage, long term. You EACH have to get your Emotional Needs met, and you EACH have to stop Love Busting each other.
> 
> Start making it about her, too. Start with something small. If she says 'you never fold the towels right,' reply with 'I feel unloved when you criticize how I fold the towels.'
> 
> Notice you are NOT getting involved in a tit-for-tat. You are NOT using "You never" - that never works, lol. Always make it how you feel when she does ABC.


Thank you so much turnera, everything you say make sense I and I get it. You don't know how much this means to me. The physical suffering I'm going through right now is terrible and then to have my marriage to start to crumble on top of it has begun to make me lose my will to survive, but you have given me new hope and are a answered prayer.

This is probably a really stupid question but can I share any of this with wife or would it be hurtful and better left unsaid and just work on being better with out pointing out to her


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not yet. You're not learned or strong enough yet. When you do speak to her, it will need to be from a position of strength - a place where you will be ready to walk away from her if she doesn't get it - or doesn't CHOOSE to get it.

It took a long time for you to let her get this spoiled. She isn't going to change overnight. The one thing that will - may - get her to change is the possibility of losing you. You're not there yet. 

Can you do therapy? That's the best way to get to that point, the fastest. Books are great, but they don't really help you MAKE the changes like a therapist does.


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## loud_rocker (Jun 7, 2012)

Ok I think your right. I report back after finished with the books


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