# When is it a lost cause?



## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

I have been with my husband 8 years. Our sex life is non-existent and my husband has done a number of things during our marriage to create a lot of distance - a few emotional affairs, drinking, being on the computer, withholding sex, being emotionally stingy. I would say that 85% of the marriage has been emotionally tough on me. We will have a few good months and then a long period of bad times. We did counseling for a while and quit when things seemed better, but the good times have never lasted.

My husband has depression and low self esteem. He told me recently that he lost his spark and passion for me after 8 months of dating and that this has been a pattern for him in his life with all his romantic relationships. He told me not to take it personally! That is really tough to do. It is hard to want to stay with someone who hasn't had a spark for me for years. I am considered very attractive and I am also educated with a great job, good friends, etc. I'm a good mom and think I've been a good wife. But over the years, I've felt beaten down by his lack of intimacy (both emotional and sexual). 

I am just at a point where I am sick of living with someone who can't be a loving, giving, sexual husband. My husband is going through a really rough patch at work, to top it off, so he's really down in the dumps. The sad thing is that I am so resentful of him that it's hard for me to be there for him because he's rarely been there for me. He just started therapy and got on AD meds, but it hasn't really helped yet.

My question is this, I guess: Can you regain your spark for someone after so long? This is my second marriage and I've tried SO HARD to make it work, but I am afraid that he's just never going to be able to love me the way a husband should love his wife. I am not sure he knows how to love deeply, if that makes any sense.

Thoughts?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

When you decide that you've had enough, throw in the towel. It's your decision.

My wife and I went through a REAL bad time. We figured it out and now are madly in love, but it takes both people to do it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would not be able to regain the spark after more than one emotional affair. My husband had one--a long one--and now our marriage is better than it's been in a very long time, maybe the best ever because we are older, wiser, more mature.

But for me, I can feel how close finding out that his affair had not ended came to killing my love for him almost entirely. I still can mentally recall him lying to me and I literally feel the love flow out. I did not deserve to be treated that way--no one does.

So unfortunately, I don't have advice for your situation, because my self-respect would not allow me to seek "love" from someone who was so incapable of showing it. I hope that you too, will find the self-love to see that you deserve so much more from a life partner.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Your husband does sound depressed and very unhappy. Why he is puking his poison all over you is a mystery except maybe it makes him feel better when you both are sad and depressed.

Personally, I would not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. You can't make someone love you and you cannot force feelings you no longer have.

It's so sad because you really want to make this work, as you should. But one person working on the marriage results in even more resentment, anger, and hatred. I'm sorry you are going through this. 

When he told you not to take that stuff he said personally, you should have hauled off and cracked him in the nutz.


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

I know what you both mean. I guess it feels hard to walk away because he seems to be trying now with the therapy. Also, I have invested so much time and effort in the marriage, so it is going to be hard to just leave.

I think my husband does love me in his own way, but the lack of passion and emotional intimacy is killing me.

My first husband was the same...emotionally stingy. Why I gravitate to these types of men, I don't know. Probably because my mother was also like that. 

That's the other thing...if I do leave, I want to make sure if I have another relationship, I am choosing someone who has the capacity to give me the love and intimacy I want.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bellagirl said:


> I know what you both mean. I guess it feels hard to walk away because he seems to be trying now with the therapy. Also, I have invested so much time and effort in the marriage, so it is going to be hard to just leave.


Have you been to marriage counseling? You want to choose an MC that supports marriage. You also want to choose an MC who is SUPER educated about infidelity and emotional affairs. Most are not.

But I'd be prepared to hear, in therapy, why your husband might be close to incapable of being faithful. Serial cheating is no joke. It takes it to a level that shows that the cheater is a very broken person. Sincere words are very touching and moving. But with a cheater, only ACTIONS demonstrate whether they have turned the corner. A serial cheater has already shown you multiple times that they put themselves first. They showed you by their ACTIONS that more likely than not, your trust shouldn't be invested in them.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bellagirl said:


> I know what you both mean. I guess it feels hard to walk away because he seems to be trying now with the therapy. Also, I have invested so much time and effort in the marriage, so it is going to be hard to just leave.
> 
> I think my husband does love me in his own way, but the lack of passion and emotional intimacy is killing me.
> 
> ...


If you tend to gravitate to emotionally unavailable men, then you will need to figure out how to address whatever it is inside of you that seeks them out and makes you willing to accept their behaviors. I think IC would be a good idea. You might also check out baggagereclaim.com (I'm not affiliated in any way, I just find it a very good self-esteem pep talk), which may offer some clarity on what makes you attracted to men who can't or won't offer you a genuine relationship.


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

My husband has not been a chronic cheater in the physical sense. He had two EAs early in our relationship but has been faithful since then. The issue is more the emotional withholding he does. 

I am in therapy and have been for several years. We also did marriage counseling but it hasn't worked that well because he wasn't getting his own counseling. So now we are both in our own counseling and we dropped the marriage counseling for now.

I guess the bottom line is I don't feel ready to pull the plug, but I am miserable in the marriage. I still love him and I know he loves me on some level. I also feel guilty because while I have family, friends, kids and a great job, he has none of those things and I am his only relationship. So I feel a lot of compassion for him as a human being who is lonely and suffering. But I also have to take care of myself. It's such a tough call to love an care about someone but not be happy with them, ya know?

I also don't look forward to getting back out there. I was 36 and smokin hot when I met him. I'm verging on 45 and feeling less confident in my looks these days (although people say I look very young for my age). I have a little more junk in the trunk, etc. *sigh*

I know, I know....I sound like a sad sack!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If you are miserable, why aren't you ready to pull the plug? I guess that's what you need to think about. It sounds like you are staying for his sake, not your own. At 45, you need to think about where you want your life to go --- do you really want to be his emotional caretaker forever?

Sorry, hope this isn't out of line, I do tend to play devil's advocate more often than I should.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bellagirl said:


> My husband has not been a chronic cheater in the physical sense. He had two EAs early in our relationship but has been faithful since then. The issue is more the emotional withholding he does.


no no no no no no

Everyone likes to think that cheating is a physical thing. The betrayal of the marriage was the creation of a secret, private world of which you were no part. You still aren't actually allowed inside, from what you've said.

Look--if he was truly in an EA, or TWO, he was sharing his innermost self--his thoughts, hopes, fears, and dreams--with these women. In return they were telling him he was Mr. Terrific and he had no flaws. just affirmation and validation all the live-long day. He presumably lied repeatedly, as much as he could, to hide the EAs from you. I mean, you wouldn't like it if he shared intimate affectionate emotions with a woman outside the marriage, would you? he learned how to hide his true self from you even more.

Do you TRULY know the real him? you say he's STILL emotionally witholding. I have news for you--he's NOT emotionally withholding.

He's just not emotionally forthcoming with YOU.

In an EA, he could be as emotionally vulnerable as he ever possibly could be with anyone--except that he didn't have to face ANY of the downsides and difficulties of Real Life. 

Real life = toilet is stopped up again and you promised to call the plumber but you didn't. 

EA fantasy life = the fluffiest, most delicious cotton candy. There's no cr*p in fantasy land!

The only way to explore whether he has changed and you have a future together is with a counselor who is well-trained on the thorny issues of infidelity. The average MC will not do. If you are too tired to go through MC (and I can hardly blame you) you know all you need to know to make a decision to leave.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You need to read up on Love addict/Love avoidant relationships. I think you may see both of you there. He is probably the love avoidant. Buy the book Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.

I know because I've been married to someone just like your husband for the past 12 years. He does everything your husband does. I have been lonely and alone for years. He has done this in every relationship he's been in... distancing techniques. These things he does to create distance come in the form of: EAs, addictions of any kind ie: drugs, alchohol, computer games, facebook, food, gambling, you name it. Anything he can addict himself to to create intesnity outside of your relationship. They do it because they are emotionally defunct. I bet your husband was not like this in the beginning of your relationship? Did he come on strong at the beginning and woo you off your feet?

I know how you feel. I too just want a "husband". Someone who if able to give and receive love, affection and yes, sex. I'm lik eyou, I still love him and care about him deeply and I know he loves me but is unable to love in a normal sense. My husband is on anti-depressants to boot.

Good thing is it is treatable with therapy, but you gotta get him to go  And he has got to face up to his past and why he is like this. Keep us posted.


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