# Pressure about getting engaged



## question (Feb 9, 2011)

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. I am 30. We traveled alot and in the past year returned closer to our homes thinking to settle down. We always spoke about getting married but now I have to bring it and ask when. He sayes now that we are too busy with work and fixing the house and that planning a wedding would be so much work (which is true). I would just like to get engaged to move on in our relationship. 

But we still talk and decided that we would wait for another couple of months until we had friends and family visiting ant that we would make a celebration out of it. 

Then for my birthday we bought a ring but it was not meant to be an engagement ring but over dinner he suggested that I wear it on my left hand. I said no because I thought that we had discussed that we would wait (because we argue a bit at the moment-mainly about the engagement thing). I feel awful, I can't even explain what is wrong with me. I sometimes feel that I have this idea in my head about how everything SHOULD be and I get upset when it is not. 

I think that the whole excitement about getting engaged and married is over and I feel angry towards my BF and sometimes think that maybe our relationship is over. I should say that this guy is great we do so much together! I don't know what is wrong with me and I wish these feelings would go away and that we would just go back to being they way it was before!


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

Hi there,

That sounds like a difficult situation because you have certain expectations for the engagement/wedding etc and it seems maybe he doesn't. Since you have been together for such a long time, it seems normal that the next steps would be engagement, so it doesn't seem that you are rushing anything. However, if you do have a lot of things going on now (house, work, etc that you listed), putting it off for a couple months might make sense. Although, you might want to be clear about your expectations with your boyfriend because he may not have the same ideas about this that you do. Also did you ask him why he would want you to put the birthday ring on your left hand? Maybe he had another reason for it, and he didn't mean it to be an engagement ring. If he did mean that, then what do you think are his barriers for getting a "real" engagement ring and asking you in the traditional manner. Is it a financial issue? Could it be a nervousness issue? Is he shy? 

Some people date for a long time and have a traditional engagement with the Tiffany setting ring and traditional wedding in people come to the wedding from all over and it is a big event. Others might just get a simple gold band and go to the justice of the peace or run off to a tropical island and tell their families when they return. It might be a good idea to sit down with him in a calm manner and say "Listen, I want to tell you about the ideas I've had in mind for our wedding and I want to get your opinion" - he might be on board or he might say, "that's too much" or "we can't afford it" ,or "I don't like to be the center of attention" - then you can get to the root of the issue. He may be more open to discussing it if you can let him in and tell him what you've been thinking. He won't be able to understand you until you tell him what you've been thinking and feeling and once you do hopefully he will be able to open up to you as well. 

Also use "I" statements - "I feel", "I think" etc.. 

Best of luck to you both!!

~Kristin


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I have to be blunt, and I'm sorry for that.
To me, since he's the type of man that would date you for 8 years, allow you to buy a house with him, and then make excuses why he does not want to get engaged, he should be falling short in your expectations of what your future husband's qualities need to be. This is the man that will be father to your children and with a sense of honor and responsibility demonstrated by his actions makes him a low quality man. At 30 years old, you can accept a life with a low quality man, or move on and find a high quality man.


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