# Just need to vent...



## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

So, I took my daughter over to my stbx husband's house today. I did not go alone, I took my sister and her boyfriend. Did not want to go alone. 
Anyway, got there and that stupid "girlfriend" of his was there and being the nice mommy that I am and trying to make sure my daughter sees her daddy, I stayed. I know I should have just left, but I wanted my daughter to see and spend time with her daddy. Anyway, I felt really uncomfortable and of course I wanted to rip her to shreds but I kept my cool. I am not the type of person to hide my emotions, everyone can see right through me, so I know my stbx saw what I felt. My sister told me that I kept glaring at her and for that I am not going to apologize for. 
Anyway, we decided to go eat and of course he had to invite that heffer to go too. I did not agknowledge she was there, I mean I wasn't a *****, but I also didn't "kill" her either. She stayed to the way side anyway. 
On the plus side my daughter got to see him and he got to see her, doesn't matter how I feel as long as my daughter is happy I guess. 
I guess I just wanted him to be miserable and feel the hurt I am going through (even though I am the one that left), but he can't do that. Although he has always been stronger than me with his emotions and he hides them very well. I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors, no one does. 
What I don't understand is why this is bothering me so freakin' bad? Why do I still seem to care about him? I love him, but I am no longer in love with him and he feels the same about me. I guess I am having a hard time believing that we "fell apart". I miss him, I will not deny that, but I can not go back to what he has put me through. How the heck do you get past this? Why all these thoughts, why all of the second thoughts? Why all the feelings? 
I feel guilty, for not talking to him before "acting on impulse" but I can't change the past. I do wish I had talked to him, but I didn't and again I can't change that. I really do feel like my world is falling apart. 
Thank you for letting me vent, I guess I needed to.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Even when you are finished with a person's nonsense, you an;t just turn love off like a faucet. Sure maybe it is down to a trickle, but a therapist once told me that I was smart to accept the fact that I would always feel some love for my ex and just get on with life. Don't agonize, it's a human issue.

Best,

Lyn


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Onelonelymom, I can totally feel you! You are way way stronger than me if it were me, I would probably act on how you feel inside shredding the b**** apart so kudos to you for keeping it cool for your daughter. I can't imagine how awkward it was for you and honestly I think it's very insensitive of your stbx to bring the new girlfriend around so soon and when it suppose to be his time with his daughter. 

I have a feeling my stbx also already bringing his 'gf' to the apartment when he have our son and it's making super pissed. I told him that I don't care if he have 20 girls at one time but at least keep my boy out of it. 

Like you I still love my stbx but I feel like he's just moving way too fast. 

Big hugs for you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow there is no way i could have been so cordial. I would fly off the handle if i were in your situation. more then anything i had to make my H suffer for how he treated me. theres no way i could let him off the hook (yes i am in therapy. lol). You handled it much better then i would have.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

It's normal to still feel emotion for the man you had married, whom you love, maybe not in love with, but you do still care. It's hard to put years of time behind you. Don't worry hun! Everything will be fine. I'm just glad you didn't punch anyone!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I don't know that I would have punched her, although I understand the feeling, but certainly would have put up a fight about her going to lunch with you all. Maybe he is just trying to make you jealous, rub it in your face so that you will start second guessing yourself. I don't think I'd be above that tactic once I have a new boyfriend and my stbx comes around. Heck, I'd probably plant a giant kiss on him and all kinds of other things I won't actually type out. Dang, never realized I was that vindictive.


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

I learned a few years ago how to control my anger and have never had a chance to know if I could control it, but yesterday proved to me that I could. I am not going to lie, I wanted to that heffer flat on the floor and I wanted to knock my stbx across the room, but being a good mommy (I guess) I kept my cool. Had my daughter not been there who knows what would have happened. He claims that thing is just a friend, but he needs not to give me that crap, I know better. If that thing was just a "friend" would that "friend's" parents let you borrow a care after 2 weeks of knowing their daughter, um no. Stupida**. Sometimes I swear he thinks I am stupid, but I know him better than he thinks I do. God I just want to haul off and kill him, burn the house down or something, but again trying to keep my temper in check. 
He called me last night and apologized about having her there, he claimed that he just didn't think. Which I claim to be complete bulls***. He knew exactly what he was doing. He said he was severly sorry and that he wouldn't do it again, I told him I know that's right because I will take our daughter away and leave. 
I still love him, not that I want to, especially after yesterday, but I do. I don't hate anyone, I am a very loving person, with the purest heart of gold. I want to hate him so freakin bad, but I just can't. I can't believe he can move on so quick, it's almost like our marriage meant nothing to him. It just p***** me off. 
Thanks everyone for the replies, they mean so much to me. Hugs to all of you!!!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I should learn how to deal with such grace from you! I really do...

As for the love you have for him, I can understand where you're coming from. The love will probably will always be there since the two of you had built lots of memories together, you have a child together, he was once the men you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with so I think there will always be love and you can't just hate someone not even after all the painful things they did to hurt you. 
Hang in there...this too shall pass...now if only I can follow my own words. Hugs you back!


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Honestly what kept me from "killing" that heffer was the fact that my daughter was there. I didn't want her to remember seeing her mommy "harm" someone, I don't want her to have those images like I do. I have done enuf crying and screaming to last me a lifetime, but s*** is going to keep happening and I will do more of it. 
Like I might have said before I am a very jealous person, even though we are no longer together, I will still get jealous. Now maybe in time that will go away, but for now it's going to remain. I honestly...right now...don't want him to be happy, I'm not, so he shouldn't be either. I have never been like that, but I am now. 
The thing that is killing me though is why I still want to "hear" his voice and why I still want to "see" him. I can not figure that out. Maybe it is because I love him and he was "mine" for 6.5 years. I don't know for sure. 
Again thanks for letting me get this out, you have no idea how I much it means to me. Hugs!!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Good for you for taking the high road and protecting your self-respect as well as your daughter.

Best,

Lyn


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Dang OLM, you scare me, and I'm a guy with a restraining order against him. Fortunately for my STBX, I actually don't feel any anger towards her, but you my Dear need to take this burden before the LORD and give it to him. "Burning down the house", "killing", Geesh. That's scary talk. Step away from the ledge woman.

I know "listen to the soon to be divorced Christian with a restraining order against him"...life's little ironies make me laugh too. In my case, there isn't much validity to the order. Just one little hole punched in a 3/4 inch dry wall while I was on my way out of the bedroom in a moment of anger. 

I'm a 40 year old Dr. without so much as a speeding ticket on my record, but given my size, some lawyering on her part, and my extensive martial arts training, the courts "errored on the side of caution" as I mentally intimidate her. 

Go figure. I'm guessing you don't look like John Cena, and you're probably not a second degree black belt, but if I was a judge I'd be more than a little alarmed at your language. Anger will only consume you at this point OLM. Let it go. 

LIL


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Thank you Lyn! Hugs!

Lastinline-I would never harm a fly. I am all talk and no bark, trust me on that. I am just very angered at what he did. I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet, ask anyone who knows me. I don't want to harm anyone, although I feel like it but I couldn't do it. I am not that kind of person. I have never physically hurt anyone. 
Thank you for your concern! 
I am asking the Lord to help me with this, but it seems he is not hearing me and I am on my own. It could be that I am so upset and hurt that I am just not hearing him, not sure. 
I am sorry about the restraining order, I would never do that just for hitting a wall, you probably just had a quick bout of anger and then it was over, that is understandable. I have hit many walls in my life.
I am trying to let my anger go, but the hurt is worse and for that I am staying angry. Angry at myself mostly for letting myself get hurt. 
Thanks again for the concern!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

It's understandable to be angry. It's just not productive. Try getting out and doing some volunteer work in the community. There is a certain joy and peace that can only be found in selfless giving.

LIL


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

It's natural to be angry. It's not right or wrong, it's just a feeling. What you do with the feeling is what is damaging or a progressive act. You've got what it takes to channel your anger in a positive direction....pour your energy into raising your daughter to be a wise woman who makes wise choices and in taking care of yourself. 

Sometimes it seems like God isn't hearing us, but how are we judging whether or not God is? I'll admit, I was a bit ticked a few weeks ago and feeling sorry for myself, asking God if he was being entertained at my expense, but it passed. I am always telling my kids not to try to reason with someone when they are upset. God has always waited for me to calm down and then, when I am ready to fully experience his mercy, once again, something impossible happens. God immediately has my attention and I get that he loves me no matter how it looks or feels to me. When we settle down and trust that he is with us no matter what, things begin to change. 

Hurt *is* anger, or at least the wound which spawns anger. We do get angry at ourselves for letting ourselves be vulnerable and loving people or trusting people, but that is the way it is. Either be vulnerable and experience love and pain or shut your emotions down and be a bump on a log. Look at how Jesus suffered when his friends let him down. They were so stricken with grief that he was leaving them, that they kept sleeping while he prayed alone, and he felt alone, himself. Very alone. Even though the Father was silent for a time, he still raised Jesus from the dead. The same God who raises us. God will move when he thinks we are ready and when he does, it is always incredible...I was never supposed to be able to have any children, and twice, 6 years apart, God gave me a child...once when I was grieving that I would never have children and the second time when I was grieving my mother's death. God is merciful and loves us more than we love our own babies. Would he give you a stone when you ask for bread? My 1st grade students all shout, "NOOOOOOO!" 

Best,

Lyn


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

I am a lot better today, I had a good cry last night and I don't seem as angered today. I know the "healing" is going to be slow, but I am believe now that I will get past it. It's hard and I know no one person told me this was going to be easy and it isn't easy (I'm learning), but I am a strong person and I will make it through. 
I am trying to accept the fact that God is there, but right now it's hard. I do understand that he loves us very much and is always watching over us and I do understand that there are a lot of believers in this world so he can only do so many things at once. God is there for me, I know, but with my anger and hurt I really don't think I am listening right now and I know that is wrong, but I will come around.
Jesus went through a lot for us, he really did. 
I keep praying for this to get easier and for everything to be okay and work out. I am even praying for my stbx (he's agnostic), so I feel the need to pray for him also. 
Thank you Lyn, that made me feel so much better. Hugs!


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

I have thought about volunteering, just never done it. I might have to think long and hard on that. That is a good idea. Thank you LIL.


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

i know you said you were the one to leave, but di dyou try everything possible to save your marriage befor eyou just gave up. i dont think you ever really fall out of love with someone. if you ever really were in love wtih him then you probably stil are and you are jsut so hurt that you hid it away. you ahve to talk things out and live every day working on your family as a whole. you should jsut give up on each other so easy. if you were ever truly inlove you can always fall back into love again. you have feelings for a reason adn you love him for a reason. you fell for him for reasons and im sure those reasons are still there. look back and see where things went wrong. i guarentee you will pretty much see it was communication. i think you should give yoru marriage everything you have.


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Addie-I really do not think I tried everything possible, I thought I did, but I don't think I did. I think I was just hurt and so angered I acted on it when I should have just stepped away and talked to him. We are talking now, but the papers are filed. Part of me wants to go back and the other part doesn't, but I could not tell you which out weighs the other. I do still love him very much, but I think we both just fell out love. I miss him dearly, he is not the best person in the world and is controlling, but he is so sweet and kind and loving.
I hate the fact that I acted on impulse instead of talking to him and I think that is tearing me up inside.
I have been questioning if I ever was truly in love with him or just in love with the idea of getting married. I don't know which it is or might be both. 
Thank you Addie, I am going to do a lot of thinking. Your post has got me to thinking about things. Hugs to you!


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## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

onelonelymom said:


> Addie-I really do not think I tried everything possible, I thought I did, but I don't think I did. I think I was just hurt and so angered I acted on it when I should have just stepped away and talked to him. We are talking now, but the papers are filed. Part of me wants to go back and the other part doesn't, but I could not tell you which out weighs the other. I do still love him very much, but I think we both just fell out love. I miss him dearly, he is not the best person in the world and is controlling, but he is so sweet and kind and loving.
> I hate the fact that I acted on impulse instead of talking to him and I think that is tearing me up inside.
> I have been questioning if I ever was truly in love with him or just in love with the idea of getting married. I don't know which it is or might be both.
> Thank you Addie, I am going to do a lot of thinking. Your post has got me to thinking about things. Hugs to you!


good luck with everything. and know it is never to late. that has always been my least favorite phrase. believe in yourself.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

It's difficult to know that God is there when we are suffering. I've had a recent attitude towards God, myself, due to the discovery of my husband's affair. I found myself wondering if God cared for me at all, but I though of my children and how my ability to make something easier for them is not necessarily a good thing. God making something easier for me is not necessarily a good thing and now I am realizing that even though we thought we had a great marriage and an affair could never happen to us, we are learning even more about one another and what people are telling me is turning out to be true, and that is that a marriage which survives this comes out stronger.

Life is hard. It just is, but although life is hard, it is not all about loss and it has taken me many years to be able to say that, having lived a difficult enough life that my friends tell me they don't know how I've done it. We endure because, what is the alternative? 

My own experience has been that when I feel abandoned by God (a couple of times in my life, now) that I'm not really interested in trying to chase Him down to find out what the deal is. He's wherever He is, I'm where I am, I'll get back to Him. Maybe.

Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are and if you are having trouble hearing God through the emotional chaos you are living in, don't you think God understands that better than anyone? God is not an unreasonable sadist who enjoys our suffering and he doesn't expect us to be heroic; remember even Jesus expressed anguish at not feeling the presence of His heavenly Father, so do yourself a favor and let up on yourself...you are going through enough.

Best,

Lyn


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## onelonelymom (Feb 3, 2010)

Addie-Thank you! I will try to believe in myself. I will also keep in mind that it is never too late and that is so true. Thank you!

Lyn-Thank you! I love your words and they are so true. God is the most understanding person and he will be here for me when I need him and I am ready for him. Thank you so much!

Hugs to both of you!


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