# Etiquette after buying a woman a drink



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I was out for dinner tonight with both family and friends. A man I have never met before bought me a drink. I asked the waitress to tell him "thank you very much", which she did. I did try to catch his eye on our way out to say thank you, but he was busy talking to his friend. However, on my way home I began to wonder if I was "supposed" to go thank him in person?

Any perspective/advice is most welcome.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

always_hopefull said:


> I was out for dinner tonight with both family and friends. A man I have never met before bought me a drink. I asked the waitress to tell him "thank you very much", which she did. I did try to catch his eye on our way out to say thank you, but he was busy talking to his friend. However, on my way home I began to wonder if I was "supposed" to go thank him in person?
> 
> Any perspective/advice is most welcome.


*Provided that he is mutually attractive, not hitting on you, or appears to be on the make, either a direct thank you, or an indirect one through the waitress would be in order!

However, if you do feel that he is on the make, then it is certainly your right to decline his offer by simply telling your waitress, "thanks, but no thanks!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> I was out for dinner tonight with both family and friends. A man I have never met before bought me a drink. I asked the waitress to tell him "thank you very much", which she did. I did try to catch his eye on our way out to say thank you, but he was busy talking to his friend. However, on my way home I began to wonder if I was "supposed" to go thank him in person?
> 
> Any perspective/advice is most welcome.


Why did you accept it? It would have been perfectly fine to tell the waitress that you don't accept such offers from people you don't know. If you accept it, then I think it is sending a message.

If you think about it, the only reason it was sent to you was as a means to an introduction (in most normal situations). I think your acceptance means you are receptive to the overture. I think the ball is then in your court to respond appropriately to the invitation to socialize that you accepted.

As an aside, if you were out with family/friends how would he know you weren't in a relationship with one of the people in your group? I'd be really irritated if some dude sent my wife a drink while we were all out in a family outing. And I would REALLY be angry if she accepted it; that would be insulting to me for her to accept an invitation from another man.

Before anyone disagrees, let me take a page from "Pulp Fiction" and ask...what would be the reaction of most people if a man sent another man a drink?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> Provided that he is mutually attractive, not hitting on you, or appears to be on the make,



I think a guy buying an unknown girl a drink is the very definition of hitting on them.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I guess I should have mentioned I was with some friends, my mum and my kids having a birthday dinner. The drink came after the staff sang happy birthday to me. So I don't think he was trying to pick me up, but then again I'm pretty clueless unless it's obvious. 

In the past when I've been offered drinks, I always politely declined with the "I'm married" explanation. However, they were all offered directly to me, never randomly sent and now being single, I'm more aware of social norms, or at least trying to be. I don't want to be rude, or burn any potential bridges.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sex is expected or at least a bj. 
He might have been hoping for a chance to introduce himself but probably just some light hunting.

When you didn't introduce yourself, he probably figured you weren't that interested.

If a man buys you a drink and you like the look of him, give him a hello but watch the hell out for roofies!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In the past when I was single/dating, if a guy did this at a bar, eventually he would approach me ...if I accepted the drink. I think offering a thank you to the waitress to pass on to him, was a kind gesture.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm probably giving bad advice. I have never bought a woman a drink.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Sex is expected or at least a bj.
> He might have been hoping for a chance to introduce himself but probably just some light hunting.
> 
> When you didn't introduce yourself, he probably figured you weren't that interested.
> ...


Absolutely! I would actually never accept a drink unless it was brought to me by a waitress. I would also definitely approach him, interested or not, at least to say thanks. It was a little awkward with my kids there, nothing like being razzed by three teenagers the whole way home....


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Why did you accept it? It would have been perfectly fine to tell the waitress that you don't accept such offers from people you don't know. If you accept it, then I think it is sending a message.
> 
> If you think about it, the only reason it was sent to you was as a means to an introduction (in most normal situations). I think your acceptance means you are receptive to the overture. I think the ball is then in your court to respond appropriately to the invitation to socialize that you accepted.
> 
> ...


I accepted it for a couple reasons, it came after it was announced to the restaurant that it was my birthday, so I was leaning towards it being a more "innocent" drink. Secondly, I was actually a little suprised and unsure of wether to accept or decline. I'm one who always tries to be polite and nonconfrontational, so I accepted.

If he did see me walk in the restaurant he would have seen me come in with an elderly lady and teenagers, the only adult male at the table was already seated at the table with his wife. So it would have been a safe assumption I was either single, or at least without a significant other at that time.

Being married made some things so much easier, I would never accept a drink from any man, or now if/when I have a boyfriend. I believe in treating my SO with the same respect I would expect.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It was your birthday, seems like he overheard and was trying to be nice. His non follow up says he was not expecting anything of it. 

Sounds like a decent human being committing a random act of kindness to me. 

I had an anonymous man in line ahead of me pay for my coffee and despite begging the cashier to tell me who it was, he refused. I was not having a good morning, and maybe it showed while I waited in line. Maybe it was random, Ill never know. At least you were able to pass a thanks to your benefactor.


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## plomito (Apr 7, 2015)

Maybe your celebration reminded him of something special and he wanted to share a drink just because. 

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What a nice gesture for your birthday. What kind of drink did he order for you?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Yep, just a nice gesture from a stranger.

That said, he probably did see something he liked in you and therefore decided to do something nice. Had you come over to say thanks in person, then hey - bonus!

The "buy you a drink" thing is funny to me, TBH. What used to be a gentlemanly gesture of interest has almost turned into a cliche. And a way for attractive women to enjoy a night out without spending any money.

I like the idea in principle, but I fail to see how it increases any odds of getting lucky (if that's the reason behind it). The implications of getting somebody tipsy and therefore loosened up, not to mention quite possibly feeling like they owe somebody something, is too great for me, personally.

Men (or women) are better off simply introducing themselves to somebody in such a setting and starting up a conversation, IMO. That takes confidence, and confidence is attractive for either gender.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He was just feeling good about your presence in the world, and wanted to be part of the celebration.
It ends there, unless you are so good as to pick up on the 'infection' of such a gesture and at some point in the future, near or distant, pass it on.

This is very common behavior among certain circles and it's a gesture of social bonding, on a group level, not an individual level.
Even in some places I've had old men buy my baby an ice cream or leave money on the table for our meal because of the happiness and joy it brought them to be within our 'aura' at that time. We were a bit far from home, so this also made us feel relaxed and comfortable in that place. 

Sometimes I will do something nice like that for someone, and it means nothing in the way of expecting anything. It's just a way of saying, I like that you are in the world, please keep being you. It's just social bonding in this context and in the context you stated about your birthday celebration.

You absolutely did the right thing.
He was not hitting on you.

People who think there was something nasty about it are projecting.
Or they haven't lived in enough polite community minded social circles to understand that there are certain types of people, socialized and educated in this way, who do such things.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

always_hopefull said:


> I guess I should have mentioned I was with some friends, my mum and my kids having a birthday dinner. The drink came after the staff sang happy birthday to me. So I don't think he was trying to pick me up, but then again I'm pretty clueless unless it's obvious.
> 
> In the past when I've been offered drinks, I always politely declined with the "I'm married" explanation. However, they were all offered directly to me, never randomly sent and now being single, I'm more aware of social norms, or at least trying to be. I don't want to be rude, or burn any potential bridges.


Did the waitress bring you a drink and THEN tell you that this was sent by....someone not in your party? 

Then it is a gift and you are under no obligation, except a thank you nod, if you accept this gift. To decline the gift is an insult since this is a no strings attached gift.

If the waitress asked you if you would accept a drink, and then asked what drink you would like after you accepted, this situation does have strings attached; namely- you are expected to welcome an in person introduction. 

But...that's the way it was done in my day and I am told many things are different today.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

always_hopefull said:


> I was out for dinner tonight with both family and friends. A man I have never met before bought me a drink. I asked the waitress to tell him "thank you very much", which she did. I did try to catch his eye on our way out to say thank you, but he was busy talking to his friend. However, on my way home I began to wonder if I was "supposed" to go thank him in person?
> 
> Any perspective/advice is most welcome.


Think of it as an invitation to talk. 

You can accept it or not, but if he was busy talking to his friend he wasn't likely all that interested to begin with. 

You did the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Was it an expensive drink? Top shelf? If so you at the very least owe him a BJ. 


Just kidding.  As others have said you handled it the right way.

As an aside, like Conan I too have never bought a woman a drink. I dont know, kinda bummed about that. Seems like something a guy should do. Maybe go with the Mrs. to a bar separately and "buy" her a drink. Feel like Im picking her up. Maybe if I make it an expensive one I would get that BJ.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> I guess I should have mentioned I was with some friends, my mum and my kids having a birthday dinner. The drink came after the staff sang happy birthday to me. So I don't think he was trying to pick me up, but then again I'm pretty clueless unless it's obvious.


P.S: (belated) birthday wishes to you.. it sounds like a lovely celebration.

As for etiquette with the drink, my suggestion is to trust yourself and your response at the time. s'all good.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I always go by the "doable" factor when trying to interpret a gesture.

If it's someone I wouldn't dream of sleeping with I assume it's just a nice gesture.

(example: some grandmother compliments my neck tie)

If it's someone I would consider sleeping with then they are hitting on me.

(example: an attractive woman compliments my neck tie)


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> What a nice gesture for your birthday. What kind of drink did he order for you?


It was a Spanish coffee, and very nice.


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