# Forgotten Anniversaries & Birthdays



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I know it shouldn't be a BIG deal, but it does hurt when your H forgets about your anniversary or birthday. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened, so I should be used to it. He has a smart phone, so you would think he might put in a reminder or something. 

Yesterday was our anniversary and I thought for sure he would remember because we had been talking about doing something special in a couple of years for a milestone anniversary. But nothing. So I left him his card. He texted me this morning saying he was sorry he forgot and we could go out to dinner tonight (day after). So he came home from work and still did not say he was sorry or Happy Anniversary or anything. The only thing he said was he forgot there was a football game on tonight, so could we do dinner another night. Finally, just before bed, he said Happy Anniversary, gave me a kiss and went to bed. That was it. 

I don't expect flowers or cards or gifts, but I am feeling a little like a doormat. I know guys don't think of things like we do, but he and I have talked about how this makes me feel when he forgets. I don't feel like I should have to drop hints or remind him. I figure we each have responsibilities and should be accountable. I am actually busier than he is, so I guess I am feeling a little resentful too. Is this courtesy too much to ask?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> I know it shouldn't be a BIG deal, but it does hurt when your H forgets about your anniversary or birthday. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened, so I should be used to it. He has a smart phone, so you would think he might put in a reminder or something.
> 
> Yesterday was our anniversary and I thought for sure he would remember because we had been talking about doing something special in a couple of years for a milestone anniversary. But nothing. So I left him his card. He texted me this morning saying he was sorry he forgot and we could go out to dinner tonight (day after). So he came home from work and still did not say he was sorry or Happy Anniversary or anything. The only thing he said was he forgot there was a football game on tonight, so could we do dinner another night. Finally, just before bed, he said Happy Anniversary, gave me a kiss and went to bed. That was it.
> 
> I don't expect flowers or cards or gifts, but I am feeling a little like a doormat. I know guys don't think of things like we do, but he and I have talked about how this makes me feel when he forgets. I don't feel like I should have to drop hints or remind him. I figure we each have responsibilities and should be accountable. I am actually busier than he is, so I guess I am feeling a little resentful too. Is this courtesy too much to ask?


There's a difference between being forgetful, and just being a completely selfish, uncaring douche bag.

He's the latter.

You'll continue to be disappointed in this guy again and again and again because he just doesn't give a crap.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Flowers, gifts, etc, should be given on special occasions AND randomly. Have you said to him in the past "Don't buy anything, budget is too tight", then bought him something? Then gotten upset that he didn't get anything? Have you trashed gifts he has given you in the past?

Projection warning - Reason I ask is I have paid attention to what is in my wife's jewelry collection, and have gotten several items that I thought she would like. Her responses were "How could you think I would like that" and "I hope you kept the receipt".

I still get her a card & a gift, but I don't buy her anything even resembling jewelry.

Or, could be he's clueless???


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I can sympathize, and my personal situation isn't that bad yet, but I'm biding my time. 

Constable Odo is absolutely terrible with dates. He can barely recall his children's birthdays and always looks at his phone calendar each month for any surprises. 

We are both a little Meh about most major holidays. Birthdays we put more effort in, me especially for his because he was unfortunately born on a major holiday. 

He'd forget his head though if it wasn't attached. If he forgot my birthday I wouldn't be upset... But a forgotten anniversary would probably make me feel pretty [email protected] I realized that the reason he forgets is that he's doing too much other important stuff, so has no sense of priority anymore. Everything becomes a priority.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There's a difference between being forgetful, and just being a completely selfish, uncaring douche bag.
> 
> He's the latter.
> 
> You'll continue to be disappointed in this guy again and again and again because he just doesn't give a crap.


Thanks for the clarification. Since this happened to me this year I know right where I stand.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

When was the last time you two had sex? Is this even a real marriage anymore?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have been married for the past 27 years. I have yet to forget one, even when I have been deployed. 

It is that he is not investing into the relationship. I don't know why. Maybe he is clueless that this is one of the ways that builds the bonds of a relationship or he doesn't care enough too put in the effort. 

Sorry, I know this hurts, have been in your shoes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Flowers, gifts, etc, should be given on special occasions AND randomly. Have you said to him in the past "Don't buy anything, budget is too tight", then bought him something? Then gotten upset that he didn't get anything? Have you trashed gifts he has given you in the past?
> 
> Projection warning - Reason I ask is I have paid attention to what is in my wife's jewelry collection, and have gotten several items that I thought she would like. Her responses were "How could you think I would like that" and "I hope you kept the receipt".
> 
> ...


NEVER have I trashed anything he has gotten me. Seriously, we have been married over 20 years and I could count on one hand - and have some fingers left over - the number of times he has brought be flowers. In all of this time he has bought me one necklace & matching earrings, but that is because the girl at the counter selling it was cute and she talked him into it. Any other jewelry I want, I bought, including the band that I wear as a wedding ring.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

GuyInColorado said:


> When was the last time you two had sex? Is this even a real marriage anymore?


Painful subject . . . very, very painful . . . <sigh>


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This interaction sounds like resentment. Like he's punishing you for something.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Honestly forgetting is very different from not caring.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

But, but, but . . . . . how can you really tell forgetting from not caring. If you forget then you apologize , then you make it up some how. Then there is a chance the partner cared. But if you forget, then offer an off the cuff appology, then cancel the make up. or never even plan a make up (my case). Then I'm pretty sure it's "not caring" . 

Does calling your partner a feminine hygiene device directly actually work ? Any experience?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Projection warning - Reason I ask is I have paid attention to what is in my wife's jewelry collection, and have gotten several items that I thought she would like. Her responses were "How could you think I would like that" and "I hope you kept the receipt".


i used to buy stuff like jewelry too. but noticed she NEVER EVER wore any of it.

So, i pointed out that if i buy something, she had better very visibly wear it as soon as she opens it. She did not, and has not gotten jewelry for years from me. Her loss.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

to the OP....some people value presents and care about important dates, and other people do not. You and your husband are very much opposites on this. I wish i had some magic pixie dust that you could sprinkle on his breakfast and make him considerate and caring...but it will be hard to get him to change at all.

I would go out and buy yourself something nice as a personal present when he completely forgets. That way at least you will feel good about yourself.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Simply not good enough. Honestly how hard is it to make an effort to show your partner that they are important? Doesn't sound like he thinks you are important. If it is resentment then maybe he should grow up and actually tell you why.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Katiebird said:


> Painful subject . . . very, very painful . . . <sigh>


I figured... this is just the tip of the iceberg. You two are roommates, if that. I and many people on this site were in your shoes. Time to do something about it, unless you just want to be miserable and disappointed for the remaining years of your life.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> I know it shouldn't be a BIG deal, but it does hurt when your H forgets about your anniversary or birthday. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened, so I should be used to it. He has a smart phone, so you would think he might put in a reminder or something.
> 
> Yesterday was our anniversary and I thought for sure he would remember because we had been talking about doing something special in a couple of years for a milestone anniversary. But nothing. So I left him his card. He texted me this morning saying he was sorry he forgot and we could go out to dinner tonight (day after). So he came home from work and still did not say he was sorry or Happy Anniversary or anything. The only thing he said was he forgot there was a football game on tonight, so could we do dinner another night. Finally, just before bed, he said Happy Anniversary, gave me a kiss and went to bed. That was it.
> 
> I don't expect flowers or cards or gifts, but I am feeling a little like a doormat. I know guys don't think of things like we do, but he and I have talked about how this makes me feel when he forgets. I don't feel like I should have to drop hints or remind him. I figure we each have responsibilities and should be accountable. I am actually busier than he is, so I guess I am feeling a little resentful too. Is this courtesy too much to ask?


I just stalked your other posts. Even the one in the thread where a guy asks if he can ask his wife to play footsies with another woman...kinda liked that one. I digress. Anyway, clearly the common theme over the last 6 years with your husband is that he doesn't show that he cares about you or your marriage. I don't think that is the problem. I think, he actually doesn't care. Someone who cares but doesn't show it would at least make a half assed effort the next time. I think he doesn't give two ****s about your marriage.

It's now on you to determine if you are ok with that. If you feel like it's not worth the effort to not be in the marriage and you can live with it. Fine. Considering that over the course of the last 6 years you have come here a few times to vent about it, it seems like you have deemed this scenario good enough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My wife and I are rebuilding after being in a similar situation as you but the roles reversed. 

I can be done if the other person in the relationship is willing. 

If he is not willing then the only thing is to find someone else. I was to that point with my wife, the talked we had when I expressed this is what changed everything. 

I love the unexpected kiss on the cheek while out shopping or walking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

For the mentioned situation I am no good to advise you. I'm a date forgetter myself so I'm actually a bit stuck this time and in fairness will give her a pass on it. I would have let your Hubby off the hook up until the football game preempted the replacement date. That one did me in. But I'm not a fan. I know some fans and I could see them putting an anniversary behind an important game.

So how do I advise you? I'm with the buy yourself a present group. it fits well with the find your own happiness advice I am frequently given. and it does make me feel better for a bit.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I never remember dates. I try to remember my kids and hubby's because I am planning something for them. I don't remember my own birthday. My H on the other hand remembers everything. When we met,when he asked me to marry him....I cannot for the life of me remember those dates. 

I don't mean to be insensitive but it's not in my memory. Don't make them less important because I remember the events fondly.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

In retrospect, this was a huge red flag in my marriage. Over 25 years I can only remember a few times that he remembered my birthday without help, or anniversary, or mother's day. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I actually had to plan my own 40th birthday party because although we had discussed it and he knew I wanted a small get together (just our siblings, parents, kids and a few very close friends) he made no effort.

I've always made effort to make those days special for him.... even coordinating the kids to make sure they did something special for him too.

I'm NOT a high maintenance type of woman at all... I don't need jewelry or other fancy gifts. I'd much prefer something heartfelt and simple, or just quality time spent together... just to feel acknowledged and appreciated. 

I can tell you in my case, it's something that has only become more pronounced over time... sorry


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Any other jewelry I want, I bought, including the band that I wear as a wedding ring.


I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but the day you two got married, did you supply your own wedding band? If so, your husband sounds as if he was indifferent from the get-go. Sadly, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Any chance there might be someone else?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> The only thing he said was he forgot there was a football game on tonight, so could we do dinner another night.


And I take it you didn't say 'No'..?

This is the part where if he's too foolish to realize this wasn't cool, assert how you feel. He might be going along thinking all is well, when it's not. If he doesn't care, or attempt to understand, then it's a whole other consideration. And if he has resentments, it's time to get that sh*t out in the open to see the light of day. 

Has the dynamic been this way since dating?


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## Maya306 (Oct 14, 2015)

My husband never remembers my birthday, anniversary or any holidays. I used to make excuses and think he forgot, but after 25 years, I know he does it deliberately to let me know how little I matter.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I actually had to plan my own 40th birthday party because although we had discussed it and he knew I wanted a small get together (just our siblings, parents, kids and a few very close friends) he made no effort.


My soon to be ex forgot about mine too. She was planning a weekend down the shore with friends. People can be *******s. It's best to stay away from the *******s.


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## NoEasyWayOut (Oct 26, 2016)

Yes, my feelings would be hurt if my husband forgot special events. I usually start giving hints the week before to remind him. Sometimes I will outright ask him where we are going for the occasions.

IMO, I don't think you are overreacting. You're justified to feel disappointed.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

NoEasyWayOut said:


> Yes, my feelings would be hurt if my husband forgot special events. I usually start giving hints the week before to remind him. Sometimes I will outright ask him where we are going for the occasions.
> 
> IMO, I don't think you are overreacting. You're justified to feel disappointed.


Agreed. My other post failed to communicate this. 

Celebrations (mostly birthdays) are important to me. My husband shows thoughtfulness and consideration. He remembers the dates but I will prompt him for the planning sometimes, or the theme around what I'd like. I love arranging special celebrations for him. Sometimes special can be simple but there's still consideration involved. It's one of the ways I express love. It's also my personality... to arrange, think of the details, help create an enjoyable experience. 

Making one another a priority and giving consideration is not asking too much. So, now what?


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## horsesrbetter (Oct 27, 2016)

Sorry to hear this.......however you are not alone. My husband would do this year after year and yes it hurts. Not asking for a big gift just a hug and kiss and some acknowledgement. We are separated now. Good luck to you. Chin up!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Actually my wife does the same thing to me. Our marriage is in a place where it really doesn't matter now anyway, but it would be nice to be remembered every now and again. Earlier in our marriage my MIL used to give birthday parties for all the family members even my SIL. They didn't do parties for me after awhile at the request of my wife. Nice huh.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Katiebird said:


> I know it shouldn't be a BIG deal, but it does hurt when your H forgets about your anniversary or birthday. I cannot tell you how many times this has happened, so I should be used to it. He has a smart phone, so you would think he might put in a reminder or something.
> 
> Yesterday was our anniversary and I thought for sure he would remember because we had been talking about doing something special in a couple of years for a milestone anniversary. But nothing. So I left him his card. He texted me this morning saying he was sorry he forgot and we could go out to dinner tonight (day after). So he came home from work and still did not say he was sorry or Happy Anniversary or anything. The only thing he said was he forgot there was a football game on tonight, so could we do dinner another night. Finally, just before bed, he said Happy Anniversary, gave me a kiss and went to bed. That was it.
> 
> I don't expect flowers or cards or gifts, but I am feeling a little like a doormat. I know guys don't think of things like we do, but he and I have talked about how this makes me feel when he forgets. I don't feel like I should have to drop hints or remind him. I figure we each have responsibilities and should be accountable. I am actually busier than he is, so I guess I am feeling a little resentful too. Is this courtesy too much to ask?


With today's tech I think this is kind of lame. Does he have a phone, I mean how hard is it to put it in the calendar.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> I never remember dates. I try to remember my kids and hubby's because I am planning something for them. I don't remember my own birthday. My H on the other hand remembers everything. When we met,when he asked me to marry him....I cannot for the life of me remember those dates.
> 
> I don't mean to be insensitive but it's not in my memory. Don't make them less important because I remember the events fondly.


Put it in your phone. You see it when you look at it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You say in your first post it shouldn't be a big deal, but it IS a big deal.

In this day and age of smartphones with calendars and Facebook reminders and everything else, if he knew he had a poor memory and would forget dates, then you have the electronic reminders as backup. "I forgot" really means "I don't give a sh-t." That's where you stand.

Frankly from reading your other posts, your husband is a real winner.

Heck I'm on a genealogy website with an extended family tree and I get emailed birthday reminders for a third cousin's birthday who I wouldn't recognize if they knocked on my door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know that hurts -- and, believe me, I sympathize -- but sometimes getting cards and gifts isn't really all it's supposed to be. My ex-husband never in 45 years of marriage forgot a single anniversary or birthday. All those cards and gifts were lovely and I couldn't have wished for anything more BUT he still cheated. When I found out, I felt they all meant less than nothing (he totally disagreed and swore that I was always the love of his life; right, that was so obvious). 

Shaking my head. Why can't marriage just go as it should.


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