# how do you do it?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

ok, thankfully at the moment I am not sunk into a self pitty party so this won't be nearly as whiney or depressings as my posts always seem to be.

here's what I've observed during my brief moments of clarity between hubs and I.

I have no ability to open up to him again, I've even told him this. I have no trust for the man, and he makes it impossible to do so, because he refuses to change the actions that worsen my distrust. I have become someone I never was and hate, because his actions towards other females have turned me into this jealous over concerned self hating ball of mush. I cannot get over my resentment, because the pile of things is added to at the very least weekly. We get along when I concede and do things in a way that make him happy, and so now, every time something hurts or is beyond my personal boundaries, I just never bring it up, because i don't want to hear about how ridiculous I am or what a ***** I am or the like for bringing said topic up before he has to do anything at all whatsoever. (go to work, go to sleep, go eat, have a day off, etc)

I've tried to be more affectionate and sexual with the guy, as I'd rather have sex with him, than have him going around saying horrific things about me and posting comments on facebook about it. But I feel unfulfilled and sad every time we do. I don't feel the love I felt before, I don't enjoy every minute of considering his needs, and I only do things because I don't want to bother or upset him and hear about it later.

So, that being said, I spend my time drinking, not sleeping, barely eating, and chain smoking..healthy right? Yesterday I decided to actually stay sober for the day (minus my one cup of coffee with kahlua) and wouldn't you know? I actually got 8hrs of sleep between 1pm and 9pm (this is not abnormal, I work nights)

sipping my coffee, its obvious, that I am not only completely miserable and self destructing, but that I'm not doing him any favors either by being here. I do nothing right, including sleeping, yesterday I was lectured for not getting up to go have dinner with his family who has disowned me after getting 8hrs of sleep total all weekend. (insomnia) 

In a week and a half, I will have a place for myself and my pets that I can stay in. Im having my mom ship my resume out through her workplace for me. I know for me, I need to get myself out of this hole, and move on, and moving on from here cannot happen with hubs, he doesn't want it. I cannot waste my life clinging to the dreams he painted of our "life together" we were going to build waiting for him to step up and work with me to do it together, and at 23, I'm losing my youth steadily by doing so. I want more than this, and I want someone who is going to do it with me, not let me do it myself and sit around waiting for dinner and a blow job.

SO. back to my question. How, do I do it? how do I start this change that I so desperately need without causing more stress and pain than it already has? How do I explain it? what do I do?

he can't possibly be ignorant to the animosity between us, and the distance, but after over 5yrs together, its not going to be easy or feel good. I know what I need, I know it will be hard, but I want to make it easier on him..so..how?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I'm glad to hear you are moving on, I was worried when you posted numb


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## laurelanne (Nov 29, 2010)

If this really is a bad deal..this marriage and you feel inwwardly it's the thing to do...and if it really is as you describe...you are young and no kids? Best way to do it...Fast! Get to Mom's house and stay there! Don't beat around the bush and give him room to lay heavy guilt and condemnation on you and ultimately weaken your defenses and put you in a prison mentally/emotionally. You will not at this point gain his understanding or agreement so don't bother...it will just cause more fire for him and you.

Make the paln...follow it speddily and avoid all the confrontation you can. You have to do this step alone...but once you get out...you will feel safer, stronger, and you keep moving forward until you truly are standing on your own 2 feet.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

chefmaster said:


> I'm glad to hear you are moving on, I was worried when you posted numb


erm. me too. It took a moment of sobriety after that and a couple different dreams to push me along.

things are just difficult being as we both work together, and i really don't need to deal with siding and judgement or my dirty laundry coming out for some air. He's good at gaining pitty.

And no, NO kids. I have my furbabies, and my lizards and fish, those are all the children I need thank you.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

One thing please...get to an AA meeting. Even if you don't consider yourself an alcoholic, it can help you from becoming one. At 23, you're young, and you can get past this. By your own admission you're on a self destructive course. Get a handle on that now.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I agree with the previous post, you are young, but no matter how old you are, you and only you can get yourself out of this depression and move forward. You wont realize how strong and self worth you are until you move forward in which surprisingly a year or 6 months from now, you will be happy that you accomplish something on your own, instead of a dimwit holding you down. do not let your life revolve around one person, you have a support system, take it and hold on to it. The damages you are doing witht he drinking, smoking and sleepless timeframe will only impact you - NO ONE ELSE. BE STRONG, and MOVE ON, you wont feel worthy until you make yourself happy.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I know how strong I am. I just hate having to rely on it..add in the mental games and well...you get one angry little drunk girl. however, 6 months later, I've pulled my head together finally.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement, it really helps since my support numbers have dwindled. now to kick myself into drive and just go eh?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

> now to kick myself into drive and just go eh?


In a word...YES. Don't be afraid. Don't let fear trap you any longer. Good luck.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

christine30 said:


> I agree with the previous post, you are young, but no matter how old you are, you and only you can get yourself out of this depression and move forward. You wont realize how strong and self worth you are until you move forward in which surprisingly a year or 6 months from now, you will be happy that you accomplish something on your own, instead of a dimwit holding you down. do not let your life revolve around one person, you have a support system, take it and hold on to it. The damages you are doing witht he drinking, smoking and sleepless timeframe will only impact you - NO ONE ELSE. BE STRONG, and MOVE ON, you wont feel worthy until you make yourself happy.


This is excellent advice. I hate to see when young women, waste their best years with pricks. I also hate to see sweet young men being abused by harridans. 
Keep going baby! You're so close!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> ok, thankfully at the moment I am not sunk into a self pitty party so this won't be nearly as whiney or depressings as my posts always seem to be.
> 
> here's what I've observed during my brief moments of clarity between hubs and I.
> 
> ...


You power through. You start to make changes and in a few months you'll recognize that what you once thought was impossible you made possible because of strong will and determination and you will be able to start again.

Don't worry as much about him because that will be his job from now on. I know you still have intimate feelings for him but if you're not ready to stop feeling obligated to him, you're not ready to leave in my opinion.

One day at a time and eventually you get where you want to be.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> Please stop smoking.


..no?

we've not talked in 3 days, the trailor is still being cleaned out and set up. and the games have begun again. Mr. "I'm done" is starting to show little acts of kindness. We've not told eachother we love one another since wednesday morning. 

it'd just be nice if his behavior made any freaking sense. like really? you're done, and now you want to hug me goodbye and bring me coffee? we've had two menial surface level conversations since the morning I posted this.

For now Im just trying to make myself go through the motions, I am queen of procrastination, self blame, and making excuses. I'm going to end up leaving my job, since we work together, there's no way for me to handle dealing with all of that drama on top of the rest of the stress. (besides the two girls he was after work with us) 

I just keep reminding myself that my family needs me more at the moment, and that I need peace and quiet that I can't have here.

and as far as the smoking, one addiction at a time. I need to get over my stressful situation before I start throwing myself into nicotine withdrawl.


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## vsaul (Dec 4, 2010)

as i was reading your post i was hoping i can read something that i can give you hope and there was something there for you to hang on to but from hat you describe i definitely think you need to regain your self, it sounds as though you lose your self in the process while dealing with your troubles. you can only love someone else if you love yourself, i wish u thee best, wise is to move on


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> and as far as the smoking, one addiction at a time. I need to get over my stressful situation before I start throwing myself into nicotine withdrawl.


One major life change at a time too. Breaking off with hubby and changing jobs too?

It seems to me you have the upper hand at work. Even if the people at work aren't on your side now, it could easily sway in your direction without you having to say one word, just show up and do your job.

You don't even have to have fun with it, but you could. 

Just a thought hon, I'm glad you're getting things sorted out.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

unfortunately, the employees wouldnt be the biggest bother, it'd be the customers. I work at the social hub of the county, and since my dirty laundry has been plastered all over those walls, aside from the encounters and people that work there, Id have to deal with constant questioning and harassment from the customers as well..and there's already one who despises me.

I cant really handle that place anymore. I dread showing up, and I hate being there. I kind of just need peace and quiet for a while, even if it means bumming off of mom for a month.


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