# Confuses



## Jaytee (Nov 18, 2021)

I'm 43 my wife is 53.. she is going thru menopause & is moody & easily irritated.not wanting to be touched or loved on..not all the time but most of the time.. she's not interested in sex but we do have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky... I'm fine with her not wanting it & am trying to bare with her thru this & trying not to take anything personal but it's hard sometimes...but I need it. I need some type of release. In the past when she wasn't in the mood she would take her clothes off & stand or lay in diff positions I like & let me look at her & take care if myself. She's absolutely the woman of my dreams !! But now... she can't / won't jus take 10min of her day on a wknd & let me have my release... I need her in some way shape or form & I'm perfectly happy doing it that way but it's like she doesn't even care. She doesn't like sex & that's the way it is, not even thinking about what I need. It's like a one way street.. if the shoes were swapped I'd be doing anything & everything I can to keep her happy( & jus laying there letting me admire her body takes no effort at all) I Def treat her better then she treats me & I try to be the best husband I possibly can do & provide for her the things she needs & wants so no one else will ever come & try to take her away... she's not much of a cuddler I'm the more touchy Feely one & she's not big on showing her feelings but at least if she jus laid there it'd make me think she cared just a little bit. I love her & want only her but I'm 10yrs younger & I need IT...I don't want to divorce her cus I'm hoping she will get thru this menopause stage & it'd be somewhat better I hope . But what if she dont...what do I do? Any help is greatly appreciated


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Did you take any advice from the similar post you made last year?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You signed up for this when you married someone 10 years older. She is going through “mean-o-pause” and she can’t help it. That’s life.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Jaytee said:


> I Def treat her better then she treats me & I try to be the best husband I possibly can do & provide for her the things she needs


Stop that. Meeting each others needs is a two way street. When you do everything for her with nothing in return, she has no incentive to change things.


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## Jaytee (Nov 18, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Did you take any advice from the similar post you made last year?


For some reason I can't get it to come up


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

right here: 



Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 yo man. My wife is 53. Been together about 12 yrs but only married for 2. Split up a time or 2 also while we were dating . We are from 2 different worlds & it's amazing we've lasted this long. My issue is my wife is so negative & so cold. She says she's going thru menopause(at least she thinks) she doesn't care about sex or even being loved on or when I compliment her she shoots it down.anythung & everything irritates her but I feel like it's mostly me that does it but idk how. We have. Been to counseling & it worked great for about month. I'm scared to touch her , talk dirty & flirty with her, we don't lay on the couch together anymore or none of that stuff. I feel like she's a ticking time bomb if I say the wrong thing. I want to be loved on I want to be touched I want to feel appreciated I want to know that I'm a priority...I feel none of these. I'm no pushover by any means but this is not what my idea of marriage is & I feel like I deserve so much better but I love her madly & want it to work...am I a fool for thinking she will snap out of it ? Is it her hormones? Anyone been thru this any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!! TY


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

For the love of....

God gave you TWO hands, didn't he? Use them. 

And why are you so obsessed with having to *stare* at her naked while you take care of business? That is seriously just...creepy. Just take it to the shower or the bathroom like most guys.

I'm also guessing you're 'forbidden' to look at porn.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> For the love of....
> 
> God gave you TWO hands, didn't he? Use them.
> 
> ...


I don't think there is anything that can be considered creepy in the bedroom or two consenting married people.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

This is simple, she is taking you for granted!
Golden relationship rule: *The spouse that care less holds all the power in a relationship!*

She cares less, and you are the one doing every thing to please her, she doesn't need to, she knows you're disparate and not going anywhere!
The fact that you showed her (now and in the past) that you're OK with her just stripping and sitting there while you get your release gave her the message that you're disparate and pathetic with low standards! 
If she did this in the past (sitting there naked) and let you release without touching her this indicates ONE thing only: *She is not attracted to you*
And now it's her chance to stop all of this in the name of menopause!!
If she knew that she needs to attend to your needs (Just like you're doing for her) and you have options and could bail out she would be a porn star in bed, regardless is she is going through menopause or not!

Read this *ASAP*: *The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay*
And: *No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life - By Dr. Robert Glover*

And you need to lose this mentality (The SIMP mentality) :


Jaytee said:


> She's absolutely the woman of my dreams !!





Jaytee said:


> I love her & want only her


Love her, yes.. and show it!
Woman of your dreams, NO..
Want only her..NO..
What is this, a Disney movie?
You don't tell a women these things, you keep it to yourself!

You want someone who wants you, respects you and attends to your basic needs as a man (AKA reciprocate!)
Nothing (I mean NOTHING) will change if you don't start changing yourself, if you don't start showing her you're moving on, and if you don't start showing her you have standards!

While you're reading the books you need to think why she is not attracted to you! 
Are you out of shape? 
A slob?
Strat reading the books and be proactive!
Good luck!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 my wife is 53.. she is going thru menopause & is moody & easily irritated.not wanting to be touched or loved on..not all the time but most of the time.. she's not interested in sex but we do have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky... I'm fine with her not wanting it & am trying to bare with her thru this & trying not to take anything personal but it's hard sometimes...but I need it. I need some type of release. In the past when she wasn't in the mood she would take her clothes off & stand or lay in diff positions I like & let me look at her & take care if myself. She's absolutely the woman of my dreams !! But now... she can't / won't jus take 10min of her day on a wknd & let me have my release... I need her in some way shape or form & I'm perfectly happy doing it that way but it's like she doesn't even care. She doesn't like sex & that's the way it is, not even thinking about what I need. It's like a one way street.. if the shoes were swapped I'd be doing anything & everything I can to keep her happy( & jus laying there letting me admire her body takes no effort at all) I Def treat her better then she treats me & I try to be the best husband I possibly can do & provide for her the things she needs & wants so no one else will ever come & try to take her away... she's not much of a cuddler I'm the more touchy Feely one & she's not big on showing her feelings but at least if she jus laid there it'd make me think she cared just a little bit. I love her & want only her but I'm 10yrs younger & I need IT...I don't want to divorce her cus I'm hoping she will get thru this menopause stage & it'd be somewhat better I hope . But what if she dont...what do I do? Any help is greatly appreciated


She doesn't like you, she surely doesn't respect you and possibly finds you annoying. You need to get to the bottom of that first, then the sex thing will take care of itself.


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## Jaytee (Nov 18, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> For the love of....
> 
> God gave you TWO hands, didn't he? Use them.
> 
> ...


No I'm not forbidden from porn we actually used to watch it together & she used to watch me while I watched her.. I'm very visual & I'm in awe of her body even at 53, might be creepy to you but not to us...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 my wife is 53.. she is going thru menopause & is moody & easily irritated.not wanting to be touched or loved on..not all the time but most of the time.. she's not interested in sex but we do have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky... *I'm fine with her not wanting it & am trying to bare with her thru this & trying not to take anything personal but it's hard sometimes*...but I need it. *I need some type of release.* In the past when she wasn't in the mood she would take her clothes off & stand or lay in diff positions I like & let me look at her & take care if myself. She's absolutely the woman of my dreams !! But now... she can't / won't jus take 10min of her day on a wknd & let me have my release... *I need her in some way shape or form* & I'm perfectly happy doing it that way but it's like she doesn't even care. *She doesn't like sex & that's the way it is*,
> ..............what do I do? Any help is greatly appreciated





> Jaytee said:
> 
> I'm 43 yo man. My wife is 53. Been together about 12 yrs but only married for 2. Split up a time or 2 also while we were dating . We are from 2 different worlds & *it's amazing we've lasted this long.* My issue is *my wife is so negative & so cold.* She says she's going thru menopause(at least she thinks) she doesn't care about sex or even being loved on or when I compliment her she shoots it down.anythung & everything irritates her but I feel like it's mostly me that does it but idk how. We have. *Been to counseling & it worked great for about month. *I'm scared to touch her , talk dirty & flirty with her, we don't lay on the couch together anymore or none of that stuff. I feel like she's a ticking time bomb if I say the wrong thing. I want to be loved on I want to be touched I want to feel appreciated I want to know that I'm a priority...I feel none of these. I'm no pushover by any means but this is not what my idea of marriage is & I feel like I deserve so much better but I love her madly & want it to work...am I a fool for thinking she will snap out of it ? Is it her hormones? Anyone been thru this any advice is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!! TY


I would like to recommend that you read and study 2 books and that you give your wife a separate book to read.

The two books for you are Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.

NMMNG has several messages that probably would be of benefit to you. The first is that co-dependent, needy, clingy men are not sexy to women. The second is that you can't force a woman to want you sexually, only she can do that. The third is that you need to "Get a Life," which is code for becoming a more integrated man who is confident and does things that give him pride in his accomplishments as a man so he does need validation from his wife for his mental well being. The final major lesson is on covert contract, where you do things for your wife in the hopes that she will suddenly have sex with you. Unfortunately, she doesn't know the deal you have created because you haven't shared it with her (because you know she would probably not agree to it). When you do your part of the covert contract, as she doesn't respond like you had hoped you feel sad and a victim.

The book the Sex Starved Marriage, also explains the same problem from a slightly different perspective. It also recommends that you Get a Life. However, it has suggestions for doing 180's so that you change the dynamics within your marriage and your wife understands that her old ways of treating you will no longer work. At that point she has the choice of how to adjust the way she treats you. The new way may be for the better or the worse, it is up to her. If it is for the better, then you should provide positive feedback. If it is for the worse you should try a different 180 until something works or you give up and divorce her.

Now the book for her (and possibly you) is by Sue Johnson and is called Hold Me Tight. It is about how mammals and humans in particular need touch and love to flourish, be healthy and happy. What you want is part of being human, it is why people tend to pair-bond and marry. It is biological.

The real question is *why did you go to counseling see results and then stop?* So why did you put up with this? 

My recommendation is for you to see a marriage counselor who is also a board certified sex therapist..............or divorce her. I would also recommend that you talk to her and share her your feelings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, it might not be creepy to you but apparently she’s no longer playing so maybe it’s creepy to her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There could be some back and forth during menopause. Can't count on it. Maybe she just doesn't feel as attractive anymore at her age and feels a little silly acting like she does think she is.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

I get the feeling that many or most of the comments here come from people who have not gone through menopause. I have and it is a life changer. No libido, fatigue, emotions (worst part for me), hot flushes et al. Lack of lubrication for women. There is a lot going on and you need to understand it to deal with it.

I suggest learning all you can about menopause and have some caring and open conversation. Having a counselor or doctor (I don't think doctors are good on understanding feelings, though) who is menopause knowledgeable might help.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Find someone else, she doesn’t love you as you should be. Thing is you knew this going into the marriage.

Or

Did sex stop after the honeymoon?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Jaytee said:


> I'm 43 my wife is 53.. she is going thru menopause & is moody & easily irritated.not wanting to be touched or loved on..not all the time but most of the time.. she's not interested in sex but we do have sex once or twice a month if I'm lucky...


Menopause is not like catching a cold. It is the equivalent of a man being castrated.

I'm in touch with many men and their lovers after the men have been chemically castrated. No libido, no desire for sex. Many joke that they don't even remember what sex is.

Then there is fatigue, hot fllushes and over the top emotions.

Check in with a counselor who knows menopause.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Julie's Husband said:


> Menopause is not like catching a cold. It is the equivalent of a man being castrated.
> 
> I'm in touch with many men and their lovers after the men have been chemically castrated. No libido, no desire for sex. Many joke that they don't even remember what sex is.
> 
> ...


Menopause is a thing woman go through not men. What in the world are you talking about? Did I miss something? Perhaps I missed the inferenced joke…


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> Menopause is a thing woman go through not men. What in the world are you talking about? Did I miss something? Perhaps I missed the inferenced joke…


Men also go through menopause. It is caused by loss of estrogen in women and testosterone in men. Men may experience it later or to a lesser degree. In my case is was caused by temporary chemical castration for treatment of prostate cancer, not gradually over years but like a baseball bat to the head overnight with the medicine. I am no longer castrate, but still dealing with the other symptoms.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

According to the Mayo Clinic it’s the end of a woman’s menstrual cycle and is diagnosed after 12 months of its absence.

Just saying…. Probably shouldn’t tell your friends your going through menopause.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> According to the Mayo Clinic it’s the end of a woman’s menstrual cycle and is diagnosed after 12 months of its absence.
> 
> Just saying…. Probably shouldn’t tell your friends your going through menopause.


What causes the end of the menstrual cycle? Read further. Check out the symptoms and physical issues associated with menopause. Then check out the symptoms and physical issues associated with being castrate.

I was treated with Lupron which is also used to cause early onset menopause in women.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Mr.Married said:


> going through menopause.


By the way, be sure to keep up on screening for prostate cancer. Preferably screening via imaging rather than just PSA blood tests. Being temporarily castrate and menopausal is one option about 1 in 7 men will have.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Julie's Husband said:


> By the way, be sure to keep up on screening for prostate cancer. Preferably screening via imaging rather than just PSA blood tests. Being temporarily castrate and menopausal is one option about 1 in 7 men will have.


Now that is probably the best advice I received in a very long time 👍


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