# My wife had an online affair, how do I cope with all of the doubts and questions?



## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm not sure what forum to post this it but I figured that this was the best one. About 6 weeks ago I found out that my wife(of 13 years) had been having an online affair for about a week using Skype to talk to her lover. They meet on a game forum about three months ago, became friends, then started flirting. Things really heated up after they got on Skype. She says they never used the cam and only used the call feature. Now that I have found out about it I have had many questions in my head about the affair and doubts about myself. Although we are trying to work on our relationship, I still find myself having issues dealing with these questions and doubts. She tells me that she is still in love with him, would protect and defend him, has strong feelings for him, and had a lot in common with him. She also told me that she didn't have that with me. She has even told me that I should have a online fling myself, that it would be good for me(what's that about). About two weeks ago I had a moderate heart attack. The doctor's don't really know what caused it. After that my wife told me that she is still in love with me, has a lot in common with me, strong feelings, and everything else. She says she is sorry for it taking a heart attack for her to understand that and that she isn't going to be talking with him anymore. Although she still has all of the feelings for him and she's not sorry for doing it. I guess the whole point of this is to ask how do I cope with all of the questions and doubts that I have?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm sorry that you had a heart attack, emotional trauma can and usually does have consequences on your physical body too so your priority should be to get back to good health.

What are your long term goals? Do you want to stay with a woman who doesn't respect you? Doesn't love you? Doesn't have remorse? Doesn't care if you die?

She's trying to manipulate you. How does one go from loving her virtual bf one day and then telling you that she loves you too? Try seeing your situation in a more objective light. She's using you as her meal ticket.

Install a keylogger on your computer and monitor the emails and fb conversations. She's lying about not using the camera. Check her phone. Be discreet.

Doubts arise when two and two don't add up. She's not giving you the entire story. You need to get it out of her. Before that you need to establish no contact witht he OM(other man). And that means you need to get hold of any and all evidence and expose it to his wife and whoever you can find followed by a No Contact email from your wife after you've previewed it.

Do you have kids?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This is what the internet---has caused 

Your wife in all reality does not know one real F'ing thing about this guy---doesn't know his backround---nothing---but she is in love with him

For all she really knows he might be trailer trash, or a druggie or criminal, or abusive, whatever---but she has tied her star to him

You know what you need to do---tell her to get the He*l out and go be with him, and to take everything she owns with her---tell her you will be filing for D----lets really see how much she is in love with this guy---when she is faced with REALITY

She doesn't know what he is like---she doesn't know if she could make it thru one week being with him---but she is in love with him---what a crock----You should come down on her with both feet---she still loves him---well guess what that does not work in a mge met for TWO

Your wife is an idiot---how about I say it again---SHE IS AN IDIOT------forsaking everything for some words she receives on the computer, that she doesn't even really know is/are the TRUTH

Tell her to go to her guy who writes words to her---and tell her to enjoy the rest of her life, with her new lover---THAT SHE IN ALL REALITY KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

After you found out and confronted your wife, before you had the heart attack, what was your situation? Were you staying married while your wife continued her online affair? Had she been contacting him with your knowledge? If so, what were you planning to do about it?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Are you certain it's only online? Frequently an online affair isn't necessarily the first act of cheating. Don't think what you caught is all. There can be more guys stretching back years. 

I bet if you kicked her out you'd find your health improving. Honestly, being around a betrayer isn't good for your mental or physical health. 

I'd schedule a polygraph to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. 

In addition if you want to work it out, at a minimum she needs to stop using skype and stop playing whatever online game it is. 

My wife started cheating with a game. I found out about 1 but it turned out there were 6-9 (I don't remember anymore) and one guy she was meeting at his house who lived a short drive away.(and hotel rooms)


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Joseph---I got to ask you---what is it, your finding that is wrong with your mge---why is she all of a sudden in love with a guy, she allegedly has never seen, and only knows what he writes to her, while HIDING BEHIND HIS COMPUTER

WHY IS SHE SO WILLING TO THROW OVER YOUR MGE---I E What is wrong with your mge.

Actually you don't need a poly---you don't need anything more than to tell her to get the he*l out, and go be with her lover---when faced with the end of her good lifestyle, IF that is what your mge is producing---she might come to her senses rather quickly---considering you are demanding she leave all of that behind

Lets see how much stomach she really has, and how much she really loves her lover---when faced with total and complete uncertainty, about her future

Dumping her out---also means all marital money goes in your name, all CC's with her name on them get cancelled---you are not gonna let her use your money to finance, her con artist lover---but do make sure she understands she is still liable for half of all marital bills, including house/car/insurance/utility payments

FACE HER WITH REALITY---lets see how much and how long she REALLY loves this guy, for


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

Well to answer a lot of questions, before the heart attack she said she wanted both of us. She said she loved me she just wasn't in love with me. We have been in marriage counseling for the past 5 weeks, and yes I do want to live the rest of my life with her. She says she is sorry for hurting me but she's not sorry for doing it. I do believe that she cares about my health and about me in general. To be fair I do believe that some of this is my fault. I have not meet her needs for the past several years. I guess she just got tired of waiting on me, even though she wasn't meeting mine either and I didn't go out and have an affair. She says that it wasn't planned it just happened. Before the heart attack she said that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. We bought the pc game about 4 months ago so we could play it together, since she is a big pc gamer. Unfortunately, the game didn't work like it should have, so she got on the forum to learn more about it. That's when they meet and started talking about the game. The guy she was with is on one of EA's game forums. He does a lot of how to videos for the game and has a lot of credibility with the moderators and developers. She also says that she believes he is being truthful, and she did a search on him and found some old pictures and a profile of him on a job site that has all of his old history on it. He is in the U.K. We are in the U.S. He is 50 years old. She is only 31. I did do some background checks on him and found out that his brother lives in Arizona and he used to live in New York City where he worked. He has an IT degree. He lives near London in the U.K. not to far from where his mom lives. I also put a recorder in our room where her computer is after I found out about it and talked to my wife about it. So I got them talking about 7-10 times after that. Around June 24th I confronted both of them when they were talking on Skype. I told both of them about all of the information I had. Last time they talked she told him that she loved him to much to put him through all of this. As far as I know they haven't talked since then. She says that part of her life is over and she wishes that I could just get past it. I think that is going to take a while.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

She also says that the online sex was just a fantasy life, that it wasn't really an affair since they didn't have physically have sex.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

Oh and yes we do have two children, one is four the other is eight.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Joseph5 said:


> Well to answer a lot of questions, before the heart attack she said she wanted both of us. She said she loved me she just wasn't in love with me. We have been in marriage counseling for the past 5 weeks, and yes I do want to live the rest of my life with her. She says she is sorry for hurting me but she's not sorry for doing it. I do believe that she cares about my health and about me in general. To be fair I do believe that some of this is my fault. I have not meet her needs for the past several years. I guess she just got tired of waiting on me, even though she wasn't meeting mine either and I didn't go out and have an affair.


Dude, her affair is not your fault. If you get nothing else right from the get go... at least get that part. Do not let her blame shift her crap on to you.

Do you have children? Are you sure you want to stay with someone who is not sorry for what she did to your marriage?


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

I guess my main problem now is that I compare myself to him all the time now. Who she was happier with, which on of us full filled her sexual needs better, If I could make her cum over the computer or not like he did, who makes her feel better, if I'm as good as he is or as successful as he is, etc. I have a lot more.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Sounds like she is a fence sitting cake eater...

Funny they never seem to "get it" how hurtful only getting half a$$ed commit is.

What if anything is going in in MC?

Btw sorry you are here, you will fine lots of support here though...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> I guess my main problem now is that I compare myself to him all the time now. Who she was happier with, which on of us full filled her sexual needs better, If I could make her cum over the computer or not like he did, who makes her feel better, if I'm as good as he is or as successful as he is, etc. I have a lot more.


Now let me get this straight. Your wife, who never met this guy in person, is saying she’s dreaming about him and in love with him would protect and defend him, that she didn't have that with you, and told you to basically find somebody else. Like my great uncle would say, "you can only imagine what they would do if they were alone in the same room together." You my have doubts about where you stand but I don't think she does.
I can certainly see why your in love with her Joe and what to spend the rest of your life with her. She's a real gem. 
I'm sorry about your heart attack but you need to smell the coffee my man. Women are easy to replace.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Joseph5 said:


> Well to answer a lot of questions, before the heart attack she said she wanted both of us. She said she loved me she just wasn't in love with me. We have been in marriage counseling for the past 5 weeks, and yes I do want to live the rest of my life with her. She says she is sorry for hurting me but she's not sorry for doing it. I do believe that she cares about my health and about me in general. To be fair I do believe that some of this is my fault. I have not meet her needs for the past several years. I guess she just got tired of waiting on me, even though she wasn't meeting mine either and I didn't go out and have an affair. She says that it wasn't planned it just happened. Before the heart attack she said that she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. We bought the pc game about 4 months ago so we could play it together, since she is a big pc gamer. Unfortunately, the game didn't work like it should have, so she got on the forum to learn more about it. That's when they meet and started talking about the game. The guy she was with is on one of EA's game forums. He does a lot of how to videos for the game and has a lot of credibility with the moderators and developers. She also says that she believes he is being truthful, and she did a search on him and found some old pictures and a profile of him on a job site that has all of his old history on it. He is in the U.K. We are in the U.S. He is 50 years old. She is only 31. I did do some background checks on him and found out that his brother lives in Arizona and he used to live in New York City where he worked. He has an IT degree. He lives near London in the U.K. not to far from where his mom lives. I also put a recorder in our room where her computer is after I found out about it and talked to my wife about it. So I got them talking about 7-10 times after that. Around June 24th I confronted both of them when they were talking on Skype. I told both of them about all of the information I had.I think that is going to take a while.



OUT him in the forums. Let he community know what kind of guy he is.



> Last time they talked she told him that she loved him to much to put him through all of this. As far as I know they haven't talked since then. She says that part of her life is over and she wishes that I could just get past it.


WTF??


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She shoud be very sorry she did it, because she's telling you otherwise, she's still in the fog. She needs to surrender her Internet and privacy rights. 
Otherwise kick her out.
I'm so sorry about your heart attack.

It's not your fault, there are many options to fix a marriage, don't let her blame you.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You are getting great advice and I really don't have anything new to add to it. But to condense it

1. You are not at fault. You did not cheat.

2. She betrayed your love, Your trust, Her vows and Her family.

3. No consequences for her equals she was justified to do it.

4. No remorse equals she thinks you deserved to have it done to you and will do it again when she wants.

5. At this point until she feels remorse real remorse you really don't have a reltionship. Would you call someone who just knifed you in the stomach a friend? Would you call someone that betrayed you over and over and over again a good wife? Would you trust someone who has lied to you over and over and feels not remorse in doing it a good partner or even worthy of trust?

6. You can't really reconcile until she understands what she has done.

7. My advice is simple you cut contact with her. Do the B What Are Plan A and Plan B?


Books to read
Surviving an Affair
His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

she says that she doesn't blame me. Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. She afraid that he'll lose everything that he's been working on. He dose videos for the game, he's been in talks with the developers about doing podcast interviews with them, EA promoting his videos, and making him a moderator. The day after I found out I went to do just that and she grabbed my laptop. I wouldn't let go of it and now the screen is tore up because she/we grabbed it to tight. Now I can't use the laptop that I bought last year.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> she says that she doesn't blame me. Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. She afraid that he'll lose everything that he's been working on. He dose videos for the game, he's been in talks with the developers about doing podcast interviews with them, EA promoting his videos, and making him a moderator. The day after I found out I went to do just that and she grabbed my laptop. I wouldn't let go of it and now the screen is tore up because she/we grabbed it to tight. Now I can't use the laptop that I bought last year.


She is protecting him over helping you heal. Do you even need me to write more? In her eyes you are number 2 and he is number 1. Until you stand up for yourself and out the guy and let her know the amount of damage she has done you will not move on from this. Are you willing to divorce over this?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joseph my internet friend: 
She IS/has been cheating. And it's her responsibility to keep her vows as it's your responsibility to keep yours. 

She is blowing smoke when she tries to minimize her actions and characterize them as anything but betrayal. 

Friend, your marriage is not even in it's middle age 13 yrs is still a young marriage. Believe her when she says she's not IN love with you in a romantic way. Her "Love" is more like the love of a reliable and non-threatening pet. 

If you rug-sweep this affair - YES it was/is an affair, then you are just setting yourself up for more heartache in the next 3 - 5 years. She will know that you can be bullied and/or talked into a lifestyle you don't want. 

Let her know that her actions are not acceptable. Talk to a lawyer about what you face in the event of a divorce - this is information that you now need to know. 

Tell her that if she continues with MC (BTW make sure your MC is experienced with issues of infidelity) and abides by her vows, shows you respect, etc then you will continue. BUT insist on a "post nuptial" agreement so that if things go south you will be protected. 

Tell her this is a consequence of her betrayal. 

You can get trough this. Have faith in yourself.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> ...Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. ....


Man, forget what I said before. This marriage is over. She would give up 13 years of marriage and spit up her family for some scumbag she's never met - merely to protect his image? 

Get to a lawyer ASAP


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> she says that she doesn't blame me. Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. She afraid that he'll lose everything that he's been working on. He dose videos for the game, he's been in talks with the developers about doing podcast interviews with them, EA promoting his videos, and making him a moderator. The day after I found out I went to do just that and she grabbed my laptop. I wouldn't let go of it and now the screen is tore up because she/we grabbed it to tight. Now I can't use the laptop that I bought last year.


Oh yeah poor him, he decided to put everything at risk by choice. Report your wife to, she is not remorseful.

A person who wants to fix their marriage will do anything and for years to make it up.

Don't settle for anything less than jumping through hoops to save her marriage.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

I don't want a divorce. I love her and my family. I want to work this out and it seems like she is slowly starting to see that and starting to see that to. All I know to do is to give it time and to continue to work on our marriage. I just don't know what else to do and I'm tired of thinking about him in everything. I also feel very stupid. For the week that they were on Skype, she was in our room like she normally was on her computer. She locked the door saying that way the kids couldn't bother her, even though I had the key so I could come in. Actually that gave her time to change what they were talking about. He even talked with our kids at night when they came through our room to go to our bathroom to brush there teeth. I am the Dumbest man on the planet. I didn't like it but I never thought that she would be doing this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She did have sex---even if it was physically triggered by his words--she had sex

Yes you can go after him---you can bust him wide open, and go after the game/games company/companies he works for---in that while he plays his games--he also preys on married women, and destroys their families--I E---he is a homewrecker---and there is nothing keeping you from filing a suit agst the game co, who he works for, they may or may not be American, but they sure as he*l are selling their products in this country

As to your wife---if she is so into defending him---and tells you she loves him no matter what, as shown by her fighting for him, over you.---there is no mge----you are gonna live in misery, the kids are gonna live in misery---and as to your wife---WHO KNOWS

As to marital problems---why didn't your wife put the same effort she put into cultivating him, why didn't she put that effort into MAKING you understand, what you were doing wrong, vis a vis the mge.

It is obvious they may never hook-up, but it is obvious as long as he exists, to her, you don't have a mge, and your kids don't have a family

Right now you are looking at living like roommates---with his countenance, staring down and actually covering everything, there is tween you and your wife-----you can R, and live as you are, with her loving a spectre, who has enuff PUA artistry in him to sext her, over the phone, and possibly make it good enuff mentally to make her think its better than what you can do for her----or you can use your one weapon, and file for D---and see what that brings-----she might finally wake up, in that if she is gonna be forced out onto the street as a single, divorced, mother of 2, who left her H---for a guy who writes words to her, and sexts her---she might wake up, and understand FULLY, what she is losing---I am sure she WILL wake up, when she has to work one to two jobs, just to make ends meet----

She has not hit rock bottom, and you have not been nasty, and so she has no reason, NOT to keep him in her life----also, IMHO---she WILL stay in contact with him, and at some point the 2 of them will figure out how to physically hook-up, and guess what---you will probably end up paying for it

Whether she likes it or not--the 1st thing you NEED to do---is to out him to the whole world, as a homewrecker, who destroys families, and forces innocent children into the oblivion of living in a home where adultery has taken place

At the same time pursue showing your wife, what reality WILL be like, if you D., her.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

jnj express said:


> She did have sex---even if it was physically triggered by his words--she had sex
> 
> Yes you can go after him---you can bust him wide open, and go after the game/games company/companies he works for---in that while he plays his games--he also preys on married women, and destroys their families--I E---he is a homewrecker---and there is nothing keeping you from filing a suit agst the game co, who he works for, they may or may not be American, but they sure as he*l are selling their products in this country
> 
> ...


He doesn't work for the company. He is just a player of the game and a person on the forum. oh, and he says he doesn't have a camera, video camera or a cam. So he can't send her a recent picture. The only picture that she has seen of him is a 20 year old picture of him in new York, back when he was working there.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> I don't want a divorce. I love her and my family. I want to work this out


I have said before it doesn't matter how much you love her and how much you want to work it out. If she doesn't want it, it ain't gonna happen. 
Moreover, it's said time and time again that being a wimpy, "do anything but please don't leave me" sort of guy ain't gonna make you a winner with the ladies. It ain't gonna make you feel smarter either.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So he is basically a bum, a scam artist, and whatever else you wanna call him

You can "out" him in the game chatrooms---it may do nothing, but it may have some effect on who is willing to deal with a homewrecker

What you must do, is take control of the marital finances----as this guy sounds very much like the type, that at some point he is gonna try and scam money out of your wife---for who knows what reason

Like it or not---you HAVE TO BE HARD AS NAILS, AND TAKE A COMPLETELY HARD LINE with this situation---it may end up costing you the mge---but as of right now you do not have a mge anyway---but you must protect what there is of marital assets

If your wife wants to be with him, or love him---then she HAS to leave the family


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Calm down Joseph. You're in a panic. I'm sure you feel like you're drowning. And in a sense, you are - but it's because your wife pushed you off the boat. 

Don't make any promises to her. NONE. You need to re-evaluate your life and her role in it. 

At the moment you feel like you will be lost without her. Don't think this way. 

You may live to a ripe old age with her at your side. But it won't happen unless you assert yourself at this time of peril. You may wind up with someone else in your life. At the moment don't rely on her or her threats. 

It's high time you made your own threats. The threat of divorce can be a tool. 

You need to read some books in order to calm yourself. Start with:
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books
(it's not a sex book)

and:
No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

I understand what everyone is saying and I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to have somewhere to talk. I don't really have anyone, family isn't really the best to talk to with this type of situation. What type of name is --------- anyways? That's what he calls himself in the game. oh and she told me that he has slept with over 100 women, had a couple of threesomes, and had 4 affairs of his own. I can just imagine how many affairs he has started with other women. She also told me that she never expected the fling to last very long. Maybe a couple of years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't usually condone cheatersville, as I think the primary blame lies with the spouse who's cheating. Not the AP as much. But for someone who has a fear of public exposure and would be searched for on a regular basis, having a link to a profile on a cheater's site as the first listing in Google would be a powerful deterrent. 

Your wife doesn't love or respect you. She's using you. For money, respectability, to protect her guy... I don't know her motivation. But the bottom line is the same. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> she says that she doesn't blame me. Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. She afraid that he'll lose everything that he's been working on. He dose videos for the game, he's been in talks with the developers about doing podcast interviews with them, EA promoting his videos, and making him a moderator. The day after I found out I went to do just that and she grabbed my laptop. I wouldn't let go of it and now the screen is tore up because she/we grabbed it to tight. Now I can't use the laptop that I bought last year.


Then her you have the real test. The test of your life.
Don't warn your wife and immediately prepare a massive online exposure to everyone. Today.
Mean bussiness. 
And before this talk to a lawyer or get and standard divorce pack. If she protest too much tell her to sign it over the doted line.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> oh and she told me that he has slept with over 100 women, had a couple of threesomes, and had 4 affairs of his own. I can just imagine how many affairs he has started with other women.


The arrogant son of a beatch!. 
Save this, add it to the exposure.
And put him on cheaterville as the serial online predator he is. Protect more families.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW, it's probably what you had.

broken heart syndrome

mayo clinic broken-heart-syndrome


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

BTW, hope you demand the online games to stop ASAP.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

One more thing. hope you adopted the trust but verify policy. All he snooping tools in place until fuirther advice, she sounds foggie as hell: she only expected it to last a couple of years? And she's in luuurv with him after a couple of weeks?
Not even your heart attack lifted the fog. It's not fog, it's oil.

OM is IT, he will help your wife to set it up underground. Be sure she's NC with the motherf0cker.


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> BTW, hope you demand the online games to stop ASAP.


She wasn't playing the game online with him. They were in the forums talking about the game. That's how it started and so far she has, unless she has another account that I don't know about. I guess the truth is no matter what I do I can't stop her from continuing this if that's what she wants. So I guess all I can do is wait, watch, and she if she continues or if she really is/has stopped. I'm sure signs would show up again after time. I'm normally around when she is home so I would think I would notice something


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> I guess the truth is no matter what I do I can't stop her from continuing this if that's what she wants. So I guess all I can do is wait, watch, and she if she continues or if she really is/has stopped. I'm sure signs would show up again after time. I'm normally around when she is home so I would think I would notice something


You can't stop her but you can verify she stays NC (BTW she should send an standard NC email to him). 
She's hooked up with this guy, you know, she doesn't want to leave you either. The cheater's solution is hiding it, being smarter in hiding, don't believe you will get the clues so easyly after you busted her, specialy after your heart attack.
Be proactive, snoop like a crazy man. Put a keylohher, spyware, VARs at home in the car, pull the phone bill...
You wife's affair looks like the typical they take underground. Trust me , I've seen this too many times to count.
And you can give your marriage a new chance if you take the right actions to kill this affair.
And I hope you make this exposure thing, it will contribute to kill it also. Trust me this guy need to fear you. He's arrogant and get off with this, that's why he bragged about his (i'm sure fake) performance and wife stelaing skills. Expose him.


BTW, read this.
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Joseph:


{{ WAKE THE HELL UP }}:redcard::redcard:

Your wife did this:

QUOTE=Joseph5;3104297]Oh and the she told me I can't say anything about him in the forums. If I do then our marriage is over. She afraid that he'll lose everything that he's been working on. 

And this:

. The day after I found out I went to do just that and she grabbed my laptop. I wouldn't let go of it and now the screen is tore up because she/we grabbed it to tight. Now I can't use the laptop that I bought last year.[/QUOTE]

And you seriously want to tell yourself that you want to save the marriage because you love her? Guess what? SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!

She's defending the guy who says he's had dozens of affairs because it might hurt his career -- boo hoo, she ruined your laptop, she throws you a few bones after your heart attack, she doesn't regret what she did, she's still in contact with him, etc. Etc.

Kick her to the damn curb. Tell her to get out and show her the door. You will never get anything like a true reconciliation from this woman and the sooner you stop acting like a doormat the better you will feel about yourself and your life. Realize what your life is with her. It's broken. It's not a marriage. She's gone off on her online fantasy and the more she sticks around the more you will suffer.

Absolutely expose this guy and if she tells you the marriage is over, tell her that you've already decided that yourself and that she'll be receiving the divorce papers soon.

Sound harsh? Don't mistake it for what it is as advice: a chance to save your life and quite possibly your marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You may want to call her on her ultimatum. Out him on the forums.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What the hell are you talking about when you say you can't stop her? You can do it very easy if you want but first you have to put your big boy pants on start acting like a man!

First thing you do is kick her off her high horse and let her hit the ground with enough force that she has to figure out just what happened to her and when she looks up and she see's her husband who is in no mood for her selfish half assed games she going to know that she finally came back to reality. Let her know that your filing for divorce, cancelling the credit cards, taking over the finances which means that her name is off the accounts and as far as your concerned, she can run to James Bond across the pond and she can be number 101 in his hit parade of women and she can have the threesomes, foursomes and any other "moresome's" that they can drum up in her twisted mind. Go grab her suitcases, start packing them and tell her to hit the bricks and don't come back. The woman has no respect for you. None, zero, zip, zilch. Her piss poor behavior caused you a heart attack and she doesn't give a crap about it except that she's grateful her security and meal ticket isn't gone and that's it. She's tell you what you can and cannot do when it comes down to her affair or she'll leave. SHE'S CALLING YOUR BLUFF BECAUSE SHE KNOW'S YOU'LL DO NOTHING ABOUT IT!! That's a great life to have and honestly I can't blame her for it. 

Joseph. Don't you think you deserve a little better than this? Come on man this is no way for anyone to have to live their life. If your worried about losing your kids, forget it. It's not going to happen. They know who their Dad is and they know you love them and will be there for them. You can be a great Dad and still not be under the same roof. I know this for a fact because I lived it when it comes down to being separated from your kids. They won't forget you, but sure as God made little green apples if the pressure that your wife is putting you under causes another heart attack, or worse and I hope not, then who are the kids going to have for their Dad. A picture of him when he was alive? Take the bull by the horns and put a stop to your wife and her B.S. You can always call off the divorce if she wises up and plays straight, but your the only one who has the ways and means to do it. Good luck


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jnj express said:


> This is what the internet---has caused
> 
> Your wife in all reality does not know one real F'ing thing about this guy---doesn't know his backround---nothing---but she is in love with him
> 
> ...


This.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is the mother of two children?

Joseph, you have to be the stable, strong father to these children. This means that you stop letting your wife bully you. And what is she bullying with? Crazy nonsense about her love for a lying online loser. Please start understanding that you are in the better position here:

- You are not in fantasy land.
- You are stable.
- You have not cheated.
- You have been a good husband and father.

These are strengths. Start believing that being strong is what you need to do to deal with her nonsense. And it is truly nonsense. As so many people have pointed out, it is not real & the man is complete sc*m. Why should you be bullied by her? Why should you be afraid of what she decides?

Don't be afraid. Be strong for yourself and your kids.

Follow the advice here on conditions for her in order for you to reconcile. She does not get to call the shots with a strong, confident man. She does not.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

Acabado said:


> The arrogant son of a beatch!.
> Save this, add it to the exposure.
> And put him on cheaterville as the serial online predator he is. Protect more families.


I agree with the above expletive!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sure your head is spinning, you need to stop and take a break. You are thinking with your heart. Not with your brain. When this happens we grasp at any pathetic lie the WS throws at us because we want to save the marriage. It's normal she's your wife.



Joseph5 said:


> oh, and he says he doesn't have a camera, video camera or a cam. So he can't send her a recent picture. The only picture that she has seen of him is a 20 year old picture of him in new York, back when he was working there.


I would believe this if it was 1980, but come on! He's a gamer he used technology to cheat with your wife. I haven't seen a phone that doesn't have a built in camera since 1999! I havent seen a PC or lap top without one since 2003. 

If your wife was skyping video to him he needs to have a camera, otherwise you can't do a video chat.

Here's the most mind blowing thing: you need to be wiling to end your relationship to save it. She needs to see you putting yourself and dignity first. The more you beg, pleads nice your way into her heart or try to reason with her the more she will want him. We always want what we cannot have, it's also a thrill to have two men fighting for her. Once you drop out, the thrill is over.

I promise you that if you will have any regrets later it will be to allow her to treat you so cruelty.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> I understand what everyone is saying and I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to have somewhere to talk. I don't really have anyone, family isn't really the best to talk to with this type of situation. What type of name is Skyestorme anyways? That's what he calls himself in the game. oh and she told me that he has slept with over 100 women, had a couple of threesomes, and had 4 affairs of his own. I can just imagine how many affairs he has started with other women. She also told me that she never expected the fling to last very long. Maybe a couple of years.


Yet you believe he has no recent pictures of himself? Affairs thrive on mementos, especially photos.

You wife has lowered her standards to the lowest of the low, who would want a walking STD?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Joseph,

As others have said, its time to wake up and fight for your family.

Step 1. Admit your wife has had sex with him. Her body parts may not have contacted his, but they both sexually stimulated each other to completion - that's sex.

Btw, he's a gamer, of course he's got a camera on his pc. That's ridiculous to claim the he doesn't. Does her of have a camera? 

Step 2. Is the guy married? If so expose to his wife.

Step 3. Exposé what he's pulling on the game forum and on reddit, the forums will take care of him.

Your wife as already chosen him over the marriage. She did that when she said she would leave the marriage if you told the truth about him.

At that moment she said he was more important to her than her family.

This means the affair is still very much alive and she is just going deeper underground.

She fears exposure because she fears he will dump her.

You need to expose him and make her fear come true if you want to save your marriage.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Joseph5 said:


> I guess my main problem now is that I compare myself to him all the time now. Who she was happier with, which on of us full filled her sexual needs better, If I could make her cum over the computer or not like he did, who makes her feel better, if I'm as good as he is or as successful as he is, etc. I have a lot more.


You can't compare yourself to him, you are a real man,

What is he? Let's see: a loser who spends most of his life in a stupid Internet game. He's so into the fantasy that he's posted tutorials and is in the forum so much he's living and breathing A fantasy world. Oh and in his rare spear times which are probably bathroom breaks, oh wait he takes the computer with him so nevermind. He also likes to wreck marriages including his own and is full of STDs assuming he really gets in person sex.

Don't compare yourself to this loser.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> I understand what everyone is saying and I appreciate everyone's input. It's nice to have somewhere to talk. I don't really have anyone, family isn't really the best to talk to with this type of situation. What type of name is Skyestorme anyways? That's what he calls himself in the game. oh and *she told me that he has slept with over 100 women, had a couple of threesomes, and had 4 affairs of his own*. I can just imagine how many affairs he has started with other women. She also told me that she never expected the fling to last very long. Maybe a couple of years.


That bolded part is just bullsh!t he fed your wife to turn her on and increase his attractiveness. He wanted to make her think he's a  "Alpha" or a "Sigma". I assure you that he is not, with a name like "Skyestorme", but in The Land of the Blind the one-eyed man is king. So, he was probably the AMOG of the forum. See, it's all relative.

Here's what's going on:

You're not exactly Michelangelo's David come to life, so you don't really have a physical presence to maintain raw sexual attraction over the long haul. It doesn't sound like you're rolling in cash, either. To counteract that deficiency to the point that you can keep a woman attracted, you have to maintain your frame as "the man". Unfortunately, domestic life causes your testosterone to drop, kids cause it to drop more, and then your wife is constantly trying to beta-ize you by getting you to take over an increasing amount of "woman's work" as we used to call it. Even if you do everything right, which you didn't, she's still going to have the 4-7 and the 12-14 year itch (the times when women are most likely to stray) to contend with. Not to mention the fact that your wife's testosterone levels are hitting their highest plateau right now and continuing for the next 5-7 years as her biological programming pushes her to crank out a couple more kids (ideally from an Alpha type sperm source) before menopause.

If you want to save this marriage, you're going to have reframe your persona and do a lot of stuff that is downright counterintuitive to your Delta male sensibilities. First, stop breaking The Sixteen Commandments. Now, those are geared to dating relationships, but they are still valid in LTR, with appropriate tempering. 

Here's a dating value test you should run through. I know you aren't dating (yet) but married women are attracted to exactly these behaviors in the their lovers, if not their husbands. Even if it's all imaginary, as in the case of your wife's imaginary BF in swinging London.

Get yourself in the shape of your life as soon as you get the okay from your cardiologist. And read this book WheatBelly by cardiologist William Davis. Follow his instructions closely. For exercise and building your new greek god physique, try this The New High Intensity Training. It's a super time efficient way to reshape yourself and increase attraction.

You've already been told to read "Married Man Sex Life."
 It will explain pretty much exactly how you got here and what to do to get out of the hole.

When is the last time a woman you didn't know approached you for sex?


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## JR&JR (Jun 30, 2013)

My wife had an emotional affair several years ago that I found out about last month. I will say that many of the members here give some tough love but they are also more right than wrong. In order to have any chance to save your marriage, you need to be prepared to end it. She was the one who wronged the marriage, not you. The other man knew that she was married and still proceeded. Now is time for both to know that there are consequences for their actions.

The suggestions that I went forward with were an immediate "No Contact" letter to the other man, which I read and approved before it was sent. It basically instructed him to never contact her again, in any form. I also found his wife on FB and made sure she was aware of the situation. That made him accountable for his actions and also gave anoterh set of eyes on the other end. I'm also in the process of making her tell her siblings and mother about what she did. I told her it was time for her to own her actions. The last thing that we're set to do is marriage counseling.

The best advice that I got was to make sure that she knows that you're not a doormat. It's time for you to make the rules on this, not her. It may sound a little primitive, but be a strong man. She won't like it at the time, but you will be more appealing to her. Also, until she knows that there are consequences, she really doesn't have incintive to change. Give her the incintive. If loosing you doesn't scare her enough then the big D is probably going to happen anyway.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I fully understand that uprooting your life, as in D---sounds like the last thing you wanna do

You never have to finish a D, proceeding, once its filed---but the filing of the D papers is a major weapon, in hauling a cheating spouse back down to earth (out of their fog)

As is stated a lttle above---her lover talks a big game, those that can't do, talk, those that can do, do not boast

It is possible that in the course of this guys probably 30 to 33 yrs of possibly being sexually active either in real time, or over the phone, he has sexted with 100 women, and done the other things he boasts of---and if your wife believes any of it---you have to wonder about her

Why would any woman want to align herself with an AP, who boasts of having A's---even if she thinks little to nothing of you---what does this say, as to her own flesh and blood children---those children whose mother she is spose to be

You have no chance in this situation, if you do not stand up to her, and actually tell her, you will not tolerate her having anything to do with him, and that includes loving him, defending him, fighting for him

As of now he has taken your place----this 50+ yr old man, who your wife doesn't know anything about except that he boasts/lies/homewrecks/ and deceives

If this is what your wife wants, then tell her to go---in fact DEMAND she go---running to him

If he is what he says he is---he will tire of her, as he has of all his other, probably made up conquests---what man who wants a woman, would boast of having 100 partners, been in numerous A's, and had kinky sex----as I said before---your wife is an idiot

This woman, who you claim to love---she is not the woman you married---instead she is a woman, who fights for and defends a completely lowlife scum, over her own H

Your mge., may have not been good---but it takes 2 to work on the mge---it seems her work right now is to destroy the mge, and to wanna stay hooked-up to the fraud, she tells you that she loves over you----WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND----you do not at this point have a mge/wife/and the mother character in her is also pretty dubious at this point

It is time to look in the mirror, and be proud of the person looking back at you


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I just googled the OM's name and OMG, what a dork! He needs to get a life instead of creating a fake one with Sims.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

So, thanks to scam artist, you found out what kind of person your wife is. Now all it takes is an OM who is willing to take her in to leave you.

So, this is what you do now..

1)Create a template about the what he did. Then based on his username, post it on every community he is in. Tell them the incident with the kids and his supposed exploits. Then he is done. Don't tell your with you are doing this.

2) tell your wife that this marriage is over. Her last call with him is a lovers farewell. It will resume again. Then expose your wife to her family and mutual friends. And as much counter intuitive as it seems, this might actually help saving the marriage. Talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceeding

You are in a boiling frog scenario. You are not realizing how entitled and selfish your wife is acting, probably because you got used to it for so long now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I just googled the OM's name and OMG, what a dork! He needs to get a life instead of creating a fake one with Sims.


Sounds like a guy who still plays with his dolls, I mean "action figures" in the bath tub. :rofl:

Joeseph, I give you full rights to use this phrase when you out this pos.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

:rofl:He reminds me of Howard on The Big Bang.:rofl: 

You and your wife really know 0 about this guy/girl.

Have you googled his name? Have you googled his avatar name?

Is his forum about sim city?


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

Thank you for everyone's advice. I have started to read the books that has been suggested, and yes I have googled his name and avatar name. I have a lot of info on him, that is if any of it is real. As far as the games. He plays several different ones. Is it possible that she has strayed this one time and will come around to what see knows is true? I know that our marriage hasn't always been perfect and I haven't been the greatest husband at times, and things have improved over the past couple of weeks. We got married at a young age. She was 19 and I was 21, but we dated for a few years before we got married and we knew each other throughout high school. She tells me that she misses that fact that she didn't have the single 20's life, where she could be with whoever she wanted and do whatever she wanted, and didn't get to have the college life. I understand how she feels because there have been times that I have missed that to, but I never acted on them. I think that I have gained a lot more than I ever would have if things would have been different. So I guess what I'm wondering is now that she has had the experience and felt the "wild side" if she will now just move on and not do anything like that again?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One of a husbands top priorities should be to romance and date their wives forever.Real life is better than a game, it just takes more energy.

Btw, playing around in your twenties being a good thing is an illusion, btdt. As a matter of fact, the more sex partners a woman has the more likely she is to cheat. (Did not see stats for males)


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would also suggest she gets a job is she wants to reconcile. I know you have two small kids but, if she is a SAHM (I'm assuming here) she's clearly not taking care of them while she games and cheats. Having too much time in your hands can lead to trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I would also suggest she gets a job is she wants to reconcile. I know you have two small kids but, if she is a SAHM (I'm assuming here) she's clearly not taking care of them while she games and cheats. Having too much time in your hands can lead to trouble.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She just graduated from taking online classes (she has been working on the degree for about 2 years, accelerated classes). She now has a degree in cyber security. She actually started working about 7 weeks ago.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> We got married at a young age. She was 19 and I was 21, but we dated for a few years before we got married and we knew each other throughout high school. She tells me that she misses that fact that she didn't have the single 20's life, where she could be with whoever she wanted and do whatever she wanted, and didn't get to have the college life.


She's regretting not riding the so-called "alpha c0ck carousel." That's a very common sentiment among women who marry early and lack a moral foundation.



Joseph5 said:


> I understand how she feels because there have been times that I have missed that to, but I never acted on them.


Acting on bad impulses and not acting on bad impulses is the difference between chaos and order in life and society.



Joseph5 said:


> I think that I have gained a lot more than I ever would have if things would have been different.


The average single man can't score high numbers, so you got a lot more sex out of being married than you would had you been single.



Joseph5 said:


> So I guess what I'm wondering is now that she has had the experience and felt the "wild side" if she will now just move on and not do anything like that again?


She has not had the experience, only a more heightened fantasy. She still awaits the true surrender, dominance, and penetration that she seeks.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> She just graduated from taking online classes (she has been working on the degree for about 2 years, accelerated classes). She now has a degree in cyber security. She actually started working about 7 weeks ago.


Sorry but you are doomed.
Unless something dramatic change it giving her actual mindset she won't stop. She's now IT and will likely put things underground in a way you can possibly detect.
This make exposure even more necessary.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, Joseph, your wife would rather you had another heart attack than his career be at risk?

:wtf:

Wow. What a wonderful wife and mother she is. NOT!

Ask her what she wants? To be your killer and to be the single parent to the children of her dead husband? Or a good, , repentant faithful wife? 

That marriage she threatened to end if you expose him? She is delusional. That marriage no longer exists. 

She killed it when she gave you your heart attack. 

Out him. To the forum moderators and on Cheaterville. 

And all his affairs? He is probably a virgin who shares his 85 year old mother's house in St John's Wood, London.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> She just graduated from taking online classes (she has been working on the degree for about 2 years, accelerated classes). She now has a degree in cyber security. She actually started working about 7 weeks ago.


There is a sad irony in this, Joseph. She is credentialed in cyber security, but has been taken in by this online creep? How the h3ll is she not more suspicious of his scam?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

He has no PC camera or recent digitized photo to upload and he's a serious online gamer. Who would actually believe that crap?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

That heart attack is called broken heart syndrome. It's a very real and documented medical condition.

Extreme emotional stress can cause heart attacks, arrhythmia, palpitations, blood pressure to rise and much more.

That's why you had the heart attack.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I'd like to be optimistic here, but if she falls for a loser like this guy, there's a lot of future lovers for her out there. And she seems determined to find 'em.

OP needs a radical shift in demeanor and actions....immediately.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I said somewhere before Cubby, If it weren't for the, "what else can I do for you my queen" attitude , he wouldn't be in this situation


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> Thank you for everyone's advice. I have started to read the books that has been suggested, and yes I have googled his name and avatar name. I have a lot of info on him, that is if any of it is real. As far as the games. He plays several different ones. *Is it possible that she has strayed this one time and will come around to what see knows is true?* I know that our marriage hasn't always been perfect and I haven't been the greatest husband at times, and things have improved over the past couple of weeks. We got married at a young age. She was 19 and I was 21, but we dated for a few years before we got married and we knew each other throughout high school. She tells me that she misses that fact that she didn't have the single 20's life, where she could be with whoever she wanted and do whatever she wanted, and didn't get to have the college life. I understand how she feels because there have been times that I have missed that to, but I never acted on them. I think that I have gained a lot more than I ever would have if things would have been different. *So I guess what I'm wondering is now that she has had the experience and felt the "wild side" if she will now just move on and not do anything like that again?*


Dear Joseph5,

You seem not to understand what just about everybody on TAM/CWI is telling you, namely that, unless you start acting like a man and give your WW some consequences, your marriage will only continue to go south until even a milktoast like you won't be able to take it any more.

To answer your first question ("Is it possible . . ."), what she knows is true is that she can cheat on you, give you a heart attack, say that she isn't sorry for what she's done, threaten to divorce you if you "out" the OM and tell you to just get over it. She's taken no responsibility for her infidelity and instead blamed you for not being a perfect husband and complained that she wishes she hadn't married so young (i.e., that she hadn't married you). She has a good grip on reality. You're the one who's living in fantasy land. Unless you introduce her to a different reality, why should she?

To answer your second question (". . . if she will now just move on and not do anything like that again?"), sure, anything's possible. Is it likely? Go back and read the answer to your first question. Since she's learned that she can cheat blatantly, practically kill you and suffer no consequences, the odds are high that this is just the beginning of your marital agony unless you take serious action.

Listen to what everybody is telling you. Stop acting like a wimp. Go dark on her and file for divorce. Once she see's that you are prepared to leave her for good, one of two things will happen: 

- she will beg you to take her back and you will have a chance to save your marriage or

- she will detach from you, which will tell you that your marriage could not be saved.

Hundreds of guys have been in your situation and have tried to save their marriages by trying to "nice" their cheating spouses back. To my knowledge, it has never worked. What works is for the BH to stand up for himself and let his WW know that he can live without her.

Be a mensch, not a moyz.


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## crazyace (Aug 20, 2012)

So your wife want to protect him . So ofcourse she still has feelings for him and not for you. So why do you want to stay ? Please do not say because you love her ... You can love someone, but if it not returned the same way then its of no use !!
Please tell your wife , you would be going ahead with a divorce and since she and he cheated, you are going to complain about him .
Her reaction to this will tell you everything you need to proceed ..!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I get in here and offer advice sometimes, but in this case all I can manage is a facepalm. Kick her to the curb.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Joseph5 said:


> I'm not sure what forum to post this it but I figured that this was the best one. About 6 weeks ago I found out that my wife(of 13 years) had been having an online affair for about a week using Skype to talk to her lover. They meet on a game forum about three months ago, became friends, then started flirting. Things really heated up after they got on Skype. She says they never used the cam and only used the call feature. Now that I have found out about it I have had many questions in my head about the affair and doubts about myself. Although we are trying to work on our relationship, I still find myself having issues dealing with these questions and doubts. She tells me that she is still in love with him, would protect and defend him, has strong feelings for him, and had a lot in common with him. She also told me that she didn't have that with me. She has even told me that I should have a online fling myself, that it would be good for me(what's that about). About two weeks ago I had a moderate heart attack. The doctor's don't really know what caused it. After that my wife told me that she is still in love with me, has a lot in common with me, strong feelings, and everything else. She says she is sorry for it taking a heart attack for her to understand that and that she isn't going to be talking with him anymore. Although she still has all of the feelings for him and she's not sorry for doing it. I guess the whole point of this is to ask how do I cope with all of the questions and doubts that I have?


If you really want to know what they did on Skype, then you get into the Skype log.

*SkypeLogView v1.36 - Skype Log Viewer (.dbb and main.db files) *

Skype Logs Reader/Viewer (.dbb and main.db files)










And it's free


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> So I guess what I'm wondering is now that she has had the experience and felt the "wild side" if she will now just move on and not do anything like that again?


Here's why it is highly, highly likely that she WILL do this again:

*SHE IS NOT REMORSEFUL*

She has demonstrated that she is not remorseful by admitting that she's not sorry she cheated, and by protecting him. She knows she can protect him because she knows you're not going to do a damn thing about it. No consequences to her at all. That causes her to lose even more respect for you and makes you that much less attractive to her.

You simply can not have a successful R with a wife who is not remorseful; only a false one.

If you're not willing to divorce her if she doesn't "demonstrate" remorse, then you are in a losing battle. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to have a chance to save it. Until to you get to that mindset, all the rest of the advice we give you is meaningless.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh man...this thread hits me to my core. Having a spouse "fall in love " with a virtual stranger is the biggest mind &[email protected]? Of all. My husband did the same and when it's someone they have never met in life?????? Talk about making the BS feel like chopped liver. Read my thread history, I was in the same situation as you. 

They are willing to throw you over for someone they have never seen smile, observed mannerisms or even shared any sort of life experiences. It's the most surreal disaster ever. I remember feeling so ashamed that he cheated on me in such a fashion. None of my friends gave me the support like they would have a traditional affair and treated it as a joke. It was anything but to my heart.

I once read a reply to someone declaring their "love" to a online lover,

" That's one elastic definition of "love," one that stretches so thin as to become meaningless. You loved the occasional, wavering shaft of light that graced your day-to-day life. The online affair provided a distraction. Every so often, you allowed yourself to resurface and take a much-needed gulp of air. You and the ap would tread water a bit, there in the sun, and then down you'd go.."

You are not alone in this journey.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh and another thing, 20 year old pics, no Skype camera???? One word, catfish...google that quick. 

Fastest way to end her love for him, find out he is really Thelma from the Midwest who runs the local bingo hall ,missing half her front teeth and loves canned hams.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Wait, if he's making video tutorials doesn't that mean he has a camera?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She doesn't want you seeing what he looks like for some reason,

Could he have visited and met you?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Now let me get this straight. Your wife, who never met this guy in person, is saying she’s dreaming about him and in love with him would protect and defend him, that she didn't have that with you, and told you to basically find somebody else. Like my great uncle would say, "you can only imagine what they would do if they were alone in the same room together." You my have doubts about where you stand but I don't think she does.
> I can certainly see why your in love with her Joe and what to spend the rest of your life with her. She's a real gem.
> I'm sorry about your heart attack but you need to smell the coffee my man. Women are easy to replace.


"Women are easy to replace." - why am I laughing so hard? Rolled gold classic (must have unearthed some deep seated resentment for Fems in my current state) :rofl:


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

daggeredheart said:


> Wait, if he's making video tutorials doesn't that mean he has a camera?


His videos on the game are on you tube. He never shows himself, but he does talk on it. The video is of his screen showing what he is doing on the game. You don't have to have a camera to do that. It's already on your computer. You just have to know how to do it. He is from the U.K. and we are in the U.S. as far as I know they have never had the chance to meet. She tells me that the physical relationship is ours and ours only. The online relationship (fantasy on Skype) was for them only and that they would never meet. That he is 50 (she is 31) and if they did meet it would ruin the fantasy online relationship because he probably doesn't look like she thinks he does.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

are you planning to do any of the things that are being suggested to you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> His videos on the game are on you tube. He never shows himself, but he does talk on it. The video is of his screen showing what he is doing on the game. You don't have to have a camera to do that. It's already on your computer. You just have to know how to do it. He is from the U.K. and we are in the U.S. as far as I know they have never had the chance to meet. She tells me that the physical relationship is ours and ours only. The online relationship (fantasy on Skype) was for them only and that they would never meet. That he is 50 (she is 31) and if they did meet it would ruin the fantasy online relationship because he probably doesn't look like she thinks he does.


If he talks, then it is likely he has a video camera to record that.

Shaggy asked a question. A very important question. What has he got to hide, either from you, your wife or both of you?:scratchhead:


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Even 9 yearolds carry cellphones or mp3s with cameras.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tristeza (May 23, 2013)

It is so tragic that the discovery of an EA can have such devastating effects on your health. I discovered that my husband was carrying on a cyberaffair with a much younger woman in Brazil about 7 months ago. I was already stressed out over work and my mother's failing health, so the new stressor set my heart to beating irregularly in my throat ever since. An echocardiogram showed that my heart is okay despite being constantly submerged in stress hormones for the last 7 months, so I have been lucky so far. However, as you know, it is impossible to turn off the physical stress reactions in the aftermath of the discovery of an affair.

Try to take care of yourself as much as possible. I don't know what your doctor says about exercise, but I find that I feel best when I am walking briskly or swimming laps. At least I am burning off those stress hormones.

If your wife has not stopped all contact with the other man, have her move out for your health's sake. My husband kept promising me that his affair was over, but I had two more shocks after the initial discovery when I found more romantic email messages between them weeks later. Each discovery was worse than the one before. Your heart cannot take more of these devastating shocks.

Your wife is infatuated with a fantasy. The day-to-day routine of married life cannot compare to the swooning feeling of "falling in love." My husband was like a lovesick teenager in his online communications with his Brazilian girlfriend. I think what convinced him to end the affair was when I told him to just buy an airline ticket and go to be with her since I felt he didn't love me anymore. It finally dawned on him that he was going to lose me over this fantasy woman. Maybe your heart attack accomplished the same thing. She finally realized that she might lose you forever, and reality set in.

Good luck! I hope things work out for you and your health improves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your inaction is going to doom the marriages chances.

Yes, it's easier than confronting. Yes it's easier than exposing him.

But the easy path is very often the path to failure.

Exposé him and show her you will not protect her lover or the affair.

Her comment that Skype is special and reserved for the OM should have caused her computer to stop working.


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## darklilly23 (May 26, 2013)

*My wife had an online affair, how do I cope with all of the doubts and question*

I totally believe in the broken heart syndrome,

I almost blacked out the other day and I had no idea that I was that stressed.
I would have have thought I would have been thinking about something, but no out of the blue I started to black out.

Take care of yourself before all else. the stress that all this stuff is very real.

The fact that the WW is not more remorseful esp after you had health problems?!? 

That really ticks me off, very selfish indeed. Unbelievable...

I hope things get better for you soon,
You deserve much, much better!


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## Joseph5 (Jul 13, 2013)

Ok, I will try and answer everyone's questions. First off I have confronted both of them and told them about all of the evidence/recordings that I had, which I think scared him off. I have told her that she can't have both of us and that I can't take her talking to him in anyway anymore. She says that the heart attack woke her up and that she is not talking to him anymore. She still says that she has feelings for him and feels like she is still in love with him, but loves me more. So she isn't going to continue any type of relationship with him and won't do anything like this again. I can only let time tell. I'm not willing to let are marriage go because of this. I will continue to fight for it. Sometimes people make mistakes, no one is perfect. She messed up big time, but that doesn't change my feelings for her. She isn't a bad person she just made a really bad choice. Our marriage hasn't been that great for a while but I do think that with the events that have taken place over the past 8 weeks that it will improve as it already has started to. Thank you for everyone's input.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Joseph5 said:


> Ok, I will try and answer everyone's questions. First off I have confronted both of them and told them about all of the evidence/recordings that I had, which I think scared him off. I have told her that she can't have both of us and that I can't take her talking to him in anyway anymore. She says that the heart attack woke her up and that she is not talking to him anymore. She still says that she has feelings for him and feels like she is still in love with him, but loves me more. So she isn't going to continue any type of relationship with him and won't do anything like this again. I can only let time tell. I'm not willing to let are marriage go because of this. I will continue to fight for it. Sometimes people make mistakes, no one is perfect. She messed up big time, but that doesn't change my feelings for her. She isn't a bad person she just made a really bad choice. Our marriage hasn't been that great for a while but I do think that with the events that have taken place over the past 8 weeks that it will improve as it already has started to. Thank you for everyone's input.


Joseph,

You came on this forum for advice. You are an adult and have a perfect right to ignore it.

This includes the right to:

- Rugsweep
- Blame yourself
- Fight for the marriage yourself instead of her fighting for it
- Believe her when she says this won't happen again
- Not expose him
- Accept her lack of remorse
- Fail to give her significant consequences
- Take divorce off the table

Good luck to you. You'll need it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is an aspect here I do not think you are considering.

During your wife's affair with the OM, she had at each step of the way the choice each time to stop it or continue it.

She chose each time from the very start of him being a stranger to take it to the next level, all the way to them having sex over Skype and her falling in love with him.

Think about that journey, because the betrayal by her wasn't when she was having cybersex. It was each time she chose to advance the relationship.

It was the very first time he flirted and she didn't stop him.

I point this out because it isn't enough that she stops communicating with him. She needs to fundamentally go back to her choice of letting the relationship start, and address that choice. To address why she thought she was justified in crossing that boundary.


And you need to talk to her about boundaries , or you will be here again.


Btw, I think you're going to find she doesn't stay away from him. Even if she's cooling it now, she or he will fish for new contact when things calm down with you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I point this out because it isn't enough that she stops communicating with him. She needs to fundamentally go back to her choice of letting the relationship start, and address that choice. To address why she thought she was justified in crossing that boundary.


This.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Joseph, 

You've been given some good advice. You seem to be hesitant about at thinking it applies to you, your wife or your situation. It does. 

Here is some reading that might change your mind. You may even find the answer your looking for in the sex section. 

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay 

No More Mr Nice Guy - Robert Glover

I hope you find the answers you're looking for.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She did not make a mistake. She made a series of tragically wrong decisions which nearly killed you.

Ask her this question: *If the heart attack she caused you had proven fatal, would she have then relied on her OM for her emotional support?*


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I still can't get past the fact that Joseph's wife is in love with, or has feelings for, or whatever it is, with someone she's never even seen! Never mind having never met him....she's never seen this guy! This takes what we say here a lot, "affairs are a fantasy," to completely new level.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Cubby said:


> I still can't get past the fact that Joseph's wife is in love with, or has feelings for, or whatever it is, with someone she's never even seen! Never mind having never met him....she's never seen this guy! This takes what we say here a lot, "affairs are a fantasy," to completely new level.


Add to that a 50 year old man who's claim to fame is that he plays video games. How attractive is that? :scratchhead:

Joesph, you really should be able to turn this around. You just need to know how.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> There is a sad irony in this, Joseph. She is credentialed in cyber security, but has been taken in by this online creep? How the h3ll is she not more suspicious of his scam?


You can have a degree and still be an idiot. Case in study here, that woman radhika..


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

*My wife had an online affair, how do I cope with all of the doubts and questi...*

Yep I run across a lot of technical degreed idiots that were smart enough to pass tests for certification but had no idea what they were doing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Education is not the same as intelligence. 

I have met poorly educated people who are very intelligent. I have also met highly educated people who are not.

Just a suggestion, but I think it would do you some good to re-read Shaggy's responses. You are assuming his identity on the web is legit and that he is from the UK... hence they have never met.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Yes...having your spouse announce they love a stranger over their real life in the flesh partner can sure screw with your mind. They might as well have sauntered in the door announcing they are the queen of England it's that close to reality.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You can have a degree and still be an idiot. Case in study here, that woman radhika..


Yes, I get it. Idiots abound. This is particularly pertinent here.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

workindad said:


> *Education is not the same as intelligence. *
> 
> I have met poorly educated people who are very intelligent. I have also met highly educated people who are not.
> 
> Just a suggestion, but I think it would do you some good to re-read Shaggy's responses. You are assuming his identity on the web is legit and that he is from the UK... hence they have never met.


And intelligence doesn't always convert to wisdom.

Being smart and being wise are two separate things after all.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Just catching up on your story Joseph.

Please read CoGuy's thread and recent post. Food for thought.

Facing the reality that you wife loves another man is one of the hardest things you may ever encounter, but avoiding it won't make it better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Like I always say: If you take a stupid person and educate them, all you end up with is a stupid person, with an education.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

To iterate and embellish on a point previously made: How does your wife know he is who he says he is? 

Who says he is 50 and lives in London?

Who says that YouTube Channel really belongs to him?


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