# Confession Of A Former LD Wife



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I've been married 10.5 years. Except for a few periods, about 7 of those years were easily classified as sexless. I had no desire at all for sex or any form of intimacy. Sex was often painful for me and I really resented my husband for being so enthusiastic about something that I didn't want to do and something that hurt me. It was only after the birth of my first child that the pain went away completely.

I thought men only wanted sex for their own satisfaction. That they just used women's bodies, dominated them. That is was a purely physical act for them that meant nothing. I thought my husband only wanted to have sex with me because I was the only female he was allowed to have sex with. Any warm and attractive body would have done just as well. It didn't matter who the body belonged to. These weren't even conscious thoughts, they were just a deeply ingrained set of beliefs that I'd developed. I felt these things without ever questioning if they were true. It just...WAS. Whenever he told me he was hot for me, or that I was sexy or that I turned him on, I thought he was trying to manipulate me into having sex. I didn't resent him for this because I thought all men were like this, it was the way of the world. I kind of thought that the only women who were into sex were ones who were desperate for attention and that any confident woman could easily do without such an unnecessary transaction.

I often daydreamed of what it would be like if my hubs had ED. Then I'd never have to do IT again. We wouldn't fight, he wouldn't sulk. There wouldn't be all that tension. We could finally have a peaceful, ideal relationship. I wondered why he didn't just take care of his own urges instead of bothering me with them. To me, sex was two people rubbing body parts together till climax. It seemed so base and undignified and wouldn't it just be quicker and easier to do it yourself?

Throughout these years we'd have dry spells lasting 6 weeks or more. I'd have all kinds of excuses and reasons to put him off. Period was coming, I just finished my period, i have a uti, I'm tired, you made me mad, pick a fight before bed, fake falling asleep on the couch...But every once in a long while I'd get a splurge of hormones or something and I'd be a lot more receptive, or even initiate. For awhile we'd have a lot more sex. Then whatever switch had flipped would flip again. We'd try scheduling. For years, Saturday morning was Dh's favourite time of the week. No excuses, no cop outs. It was his time. This worked well for us. Over the next few years we had another baby and we moved into our current home.

During all these years, I had been off and on Prozac and there was a noticeable difference in my libido when I was off it....but I was such a miserable btch that no one wanted to be near me. During one period when I was off of it, we were having sex more frequently and dh was happy about this. However I did have to go back on it and he was concerned that things would go back to once every 6 weeks and him begging. So we bought a couple of books, one about sexless marriages. And in that book it described how men feel about sex. About how it is a deep emotional connection for them. That it is how they feel love. It was such an eye opener for me. It felt like ice around my heart cracked. I talked to my husband and explained to him that I JUST DIDN'T KNOW. It never occurred to me. Any time he tried to tell me, I thought it was game. I feel so bad for all the pain he must have felt through those years. It's hard to know I inflicted that much damage without even knowing it.

For me, sex will never be as emotionally involved as it is for DH, but I love doing it now. I feel liberated now that I know I'm not being used and that this is something we are in together. We are very very frequently intimate and I love that. It seems the more we do it, the more I want it. I love making him happy in that way, whereas before it was a crushing burden. 

From what I have read here, there may be a lot of women labouring under the same misconceptions that I was. If your LD wife is anything at all like me, she needs to know WHY you want sex so much and that it's not just about you getting your rocks off. I think the media and society has given us a warped view of men's sexuality, one that is so ingrained that we don't even question it, yet we deeply resent it. It is up to you as a loving spouse to shatter this illusion that your wife doesn't even know she has. 

I hope I was able to shed a bit of light on this problem for someone, somewhere.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Where do you think you primarily got the message the men just want to get off and care nothing for the person involved? Did your mother or other females in your life actually tell you this?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why did you get married, that is selfish. You must have had some serious childhood issues to be so cold and uncaring. Did you not have any good males role models while growing up?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Oh yeah, I forgot that part. My dad was a horrible man. I have nothing to do with him now.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But did other females in your life actually tell you that men are just pigs with no emotional connection? Or did you conclude that from seeing your father's example?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Holland said:


> Why did you get married, that is selfish. You must have had some serious childhood issues to be so cold and uncaring. Did you not have any good males role models while growing up?


But that is the thing....I wasn't cold or uncaring. In my own mind I was perfectly rational. Sex was just a want, I wasn't necessary to the act, he could do it himself and leave me alone. It made sense. I loved him and cared for him, I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't understand why this was such a big deal. Why couldn't he be as rational about it as I was? I thought he just needed to grow up a bit, as we had married very young. 

I still to tend to default to that line of thinking about men sometimes, but I am more aware of it and steer away from it.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> But did other females in your life actually tell you that men are just pigs with no emotional connection? Or did you conclude that from seeing your father's example?


I don't know. My mum never talked about sex much, what she did say was enough for me to glean that she didn't like it. No one else ever talked about it, except for scandals.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That's a huge bummer for your marriage, but it is really great that you have it worked out now.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Wow, LadyofTheLake, that should be required reading for everyone on TAM!!! It's ridiculous how the "Sex in Marriage" forum has essentially become the "Sexless Marriage" forum, as that is the #1 complaint around here.

Your former view of sex sounds a LOT like some of the authors my wife had to read for a woman's studies class. Thank heaven that she didn't listen to them.

Even when I was young, I never really understood the belief that men use women for sex. After all, aren't women getting the very same benefit from it? So don't they "use" men the same way?


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Congratulations on fixing your problem. I think your situation is unique as most woman do not have such defined issues with solutions. This problem in other marriages is usually the result of one-sided affection. The husband loves the wife and wants to express that feeling physically. The wife loves the security and comfort of her marriage but is not at all attracted to her husband. In fact, she more than likely finds him physically repulsive. She will claim LD, but she is perfectly healthy and has a very typical libido. She just doesn't want her husband. That creates problems because the man then feels used. The wife doesn't feel responsible because she can't help how she feels. That's an almost impossible situation to salvage and is very different from yours. I think most men will understand what I am saying. My advice to them is to plan your exit and communicate it and follow through. A woman enjoying the security you provide will never make the first move. The bottom line is that you cannot make someone be attracted to you. Life is short, find someone that is and enjoy that experience. You owe it to yourself.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

My STBXW read a few books I had and said the same thing to me...that she had no idea. The problem with my marriage is that even after she found out, she still didn't care to tend to my needs...it was all her receiving when she was up for it and I never did get my needs addressed. Only now, since she knows I am proceeding with divorce is she wishing she would have been more attentive to me. A little too late. 
I'm glad for your husband that you finally got it. Lucky for you he stuck around.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm curious to how old you was with this turn around... late 30's -early 40's - when women enter their hormonal "Prime" ? 

I have always enjoyed sex and never felt "used" ....due to the way my husband IS... but I didn't really "get" how a man FELT hormonally... that antsy "gotta have it RIGHT NOW" - almost tormenting NEED - until I hit my 40's... only because he was always at my beck & call I suppose... his drive was higher, so I didn't feel "that need"-all I had to do was touch him & he was Up... 

Then I had a sex drive increase, this was an understatement... Talk about eye opening....when I realized my husband PUT HIMSELF DOWN , not wanting to bother me (he was very passive about his needs)... a well spring of emotions let loose... I cried







.. .I even got a little mad - I could not understand HOW he did that... I told him, had that been me, I would have raised the freaking roof off of the house... I couldn't have done it. And he shouldn't have... he should have shook me, talked to me, let me know how he was feeling... In this way, I almost felt he cheated us both... because I believe I would have cared... 

So yeah... Us women really do our men a disservice by NOT understanding how deep, how wide, how high, in the emotional "Making Love" to their wives is embedded in them - this is like our emotional glue, a HIGh for them, bonding us so deeply... 

And how easily resentment can spring when - destroying this beauty if we don't get it, rejecting too much...pushing them away...how can they not take it personal? 

I am wondering if your husband had a mountain of resentment to overcome - for all of those years prior? 










I feel this song expresses the way husbands feel in wanting to hold, caress and take thier wives to the heights of pleasure ...when they FEEL this way, we just can't lay it down.... It is near impossible. 

Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me - YouTube

Some of the words....



> Please forgive me, I know not what I do
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
> Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
> ...


I like this article too - 
 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Us men are built on testosterone, the sex hormone. It makes us bigger, stronger, more muscular and have higher sex drives. You can't change that because that's how men are designed.

It's not us getting our rocks off and using women. It's a physical and emotional connection for us.

7 years of no sex.....WOW. You should of been divorced and sent to the curb. How would you like no emotional support from hubby for 7 years in return? Karma is a *****!!!

But I'm glad you worked it out and everything is okay now and thanks for posting, an excellent read.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

This confession is much more useful to mankind than all those "recovering alcoholic" videos in YouTube. Congratulations, Mrs. OP! This should be a required reading to all living persons in the world before they even thinking of getting married.. Saludos!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm curious to how old you was with this turn around... late 30's -early 40's - when women enter their hormonal "Prime" ?
> 
> I have always enjoyed sex and never felt "used" ....due to the way my husband IS... but I didn't really "get" how a man FELT hormonally... that antsy "gotta have it RIGHT NOW" - almost tormenting NEED - until I hit my 40's... only because he was always at my beck & call I suppose... his drive was higher, so I didn't feel "that need"-all I had to do was touch him & he was Up...
> 
> ...




Now Now SA! You can't blame Mr SA for putting himslef down cause he didn't want to bother you. He did it because he thought you weren't in the mood or to tired or what ever so he denied himslef trying to protect you in some small way. Hmm, wonder how I know that?

Its also kinda like....if you had to ask for a compliment, when you got it would its value be diminished to you? 

Ok consider yourself spanked. Tell Mr. SA I said he is welcome! LOL


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I think my wife felt much the same way you did, and I felt the EXACT SAME WAY you described about it being a deep emotional connection. We, as husbands, CAN please ourselves but it means nothing. We want that reciprocity; we want that feeling of being desired. Sex is meaningless without emotion (in my case, and my married life). Not just any hole on any body would do. It has to be my wife. She even asked me if I strayed outside of the marital boundaries if it would help. Of course it wouldn't help. Sooooo glad you got this figured out. That's brave of you to share it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> But that is the thing....I wasn't cold or uncaring. In my own mind I was perfectly rational. Sex was just a want, I wasn't necessary to the act, he could do it himself and leave me alone. It made sense. I loved him and cared for him, I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't understand why this was such a big deal. Why couldn't he be as rational about it as I was? I thought he just needed to grow up a bit, as we had married very young.
> 
> I still to tend to default to that line of thinking about men sometimes, but I am more aware of it and steer away from it.


Out of curiosity, if during that time, your husband had said that he understood that you don't need or like sex, so he was not going to ask for it or pursue you any more, but that he would have discrete hook-ups from time to time to meet his needs, what would your response have been?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Out of curiosity, if during that time, your husband had said that he understood that you don't need or like sex, so he was not going to ask for it or pursue you any more, but that he would have discrete hook-ups from time to time to meet his needs, what would your response have been?


I would have divorced him. I know, it sounds awful, but I wouldn't have tolerated that at all. My dad did that repeatedly to my mum and it's a deal breaker for me. I would have said he had no "needs" in that department, only "wants" and that he was destroying a family for a selfish want that was utterly unimportant. I didn't want that attention, but he'd vowed not to be with other women. I wouldn't allow such a broken promise. I *still* don't see sex as a need, not for myself anyway. It is hard for me to get my head around needing anything emotional from another person. It's not in my makeup. Sure I like it, I appreciate it, it's nice to have, but I could easily live without it. But I didn't know that not everyone was like that until a few years ago. I'm beginning to understand more and more that I am quite an odd duck LOL.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I would have divorced him. I know, it sounds awful, but I wouldn't have tolerated that at all. My dad did that repeatedly to my mum and it's a deal breaker for me. I would have said he had no "needs" in that department, only "wants" and that he was destroying a family for a selfish want that was utterly unimportant. I didn't want that attention, but he'd vowed not to be with other women. I wouldn't allow such a broken promise. I *still* don't see sex as a need, not for myself anyway. It is hard for me to get my head around needing anything emotional from another person. It's not in my makeup. Sure I like it, I appreciate it, it's nice to have, but I could easily live without it. But I didn't know that not everyone was like that until a few years ago. I'm beginning to understand more and more that I am quite an odd duck LOL.


Everyone can live without sex. People can live without every receiving a gift, never being told someone loves them, nobody ever doing anything for them, nobody ever talking to them, etc. 

But what does your husband do that makes you feel love for him. Is it because he listens to you? Because he provides for you? Everyone feels love differently. For men, typically they feel love through physical affection.

The truth is that my wife and I don't have sex (or any physical affection) as much as I would like. This physical connection is how I feel loved. I have never cheated on my wife, but if I did, I could easily see myself falling out of love with my wife and in love with the woman I was sleeping with. 

In the end, it wouldn't be me just getting my rocks off, it would be me looking for love.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I've been married 10.5 years. Except for a few periods, about 7 of those years were easily classified as sexless. I had no desire at all for sex or any form of intimacy. Sex was often painful for me and I really resented my husband for being so enthusiastic about something that I didn't want to do and something that hurt me. It was only after the birth of my first child that the pain went away completely.
> 
> I thought men only wanted sex for their own satisfaction. That they just used women's bodies, dominated them. That is was a purely physical act for them that meant nothing. I thought my husband only wanted to have sex with me because I was the only female he was allowed to have sex with. Any warm and attractive body would have done just as well. It didn't matter who the body belonged to. These weren't even conscious thoughts, they were just a deeply ingrained set of beliefs that I'd developed. I felt these things without ever questioning if they were true. It just...WAS. Whenever he told me he was hot for me, or that I was sexy or that I turned him on, I thought he was trying to manipulate me into having sex. I didn't resent him for this because I thought all men were like this, it was the way of the world. I kind of thought that the only women who were into sex were ones who were desperate for attention and that any confident woman could easily do without such an unnecessary transaction.
> 
> ...


Sex and physical intimacy is how people connect and maintain their connection.

How do you think people get hooked on their affair partners?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I would have divorced him. I know, it sounds awful, but I wouldn't have tolerated that at all. My dad did that repeatedly to my mum and it's a deal breaker for me. I would have said he had no "needs" in that department, only "wants" and that he was destroying a family for a selfish want that was utterly unimportant. I didn't want that attention, but he'd vowed not to be with other women. I wouldn't allow such a broken promise. I *still* don't see sex as a need, not for myself anyway. It is hard for me to get my head around needing anything emotional from another person. It's not in my makeup. Sure I like it, I appreciate it, it's nice to have, but I could easily live without it. But I didn't know that not everyone was like that until a few years ago. I'm beginning to understand more and more that I am quite an odd duck LOL.


Sure you can LIVE without it, but it's not the best thing for you.

It's good to exercise the systems of the body and human mind. And masturbation is not the same thing as sex.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Another LD wife here. My husband and I have struggled with this throughout our marriage. If I never had sex again it wouldn't be a catastrophe. I am constantly working on this problem, sometimes it feels like a full time job. It can be emotionally exhausting on this end as well. The guilt, the feeling broken, the fear that my husband will give up on me. I love my husband so much though so I keep working on it. If my husband had strayed I wouldn't have been surprised and my self esteem is probably low enough that I probably would have thought I deserved it. Are there any LD wives here that are working on it and succeeding? I would love to hear any helpful advice. I've been to numerous doctors, tried erotica, porn, faking, supplements, scheduling sex, none of this seems to help the LD.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This helps, ladies. Why? Because not only women but also men can be naturally LD, and it helps to hear how it is for you.

I know it seems to some/many or maybe even most people that sex is something everyone loves, needs and wants. But due to the vast differences in us all, some of us just don't have that same feeling.

When HD people hear of this, they tend to discount, disbelieve, or mock it.

But it is very true for many LD people that they simply don't think about or even desire sex.

It is sad for marriages with opposite types of sex drives. But when two LD or two HD people get together, these kinds of problems are minimized.

BTW, Lady...you are still LD. Not former LD. No shame in that, just sayin'.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What a great thread, LOTL! When I was younger I also did not understand that men connect emotionally to their wives through sex. I think it is because our society trains men not to show their emotions, because emotions are associated with weakness. 

Almost all of our entertainment media show men as action heroes, taking what they want with no tender connection to the woman. We hear about how strong men's desires are, how many times a day they think about sex, how they want "trophy" wives, but rarely about how they want to stay with one woman who desires them. I guess that is not very dramatic or entertaining.

It is rare for an LD wife to come to your realization. I applaud you for having the courage to explain your feelings about this.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I could never understand it when someone says if I never had it again it would be ok. Besides the emotional connection felt during the act of sex does no one enjoy having an orgasm? Why are you women forgetting about the amazing pleasure aspect involved??? 

I don't think I could live without having amazing orgasms with my H. Yea I guess you could rub one out by yourself but for me it isn't quite as good as it is when my H is responsible for them. 

So strange.....


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> This helps, ladies. Why? Because not only women but also men can be naturally LD, and it helps to hear how it is for you.
> 
> I know it seems to some/many or maybe even most people that sex is something everyone loves, needs and wants. But due to the vast differences in us all, some of us just don't have that same feeling.
> 
> ...



No I don't think so. We have sex every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times and I usually initiate. I am the sexual aggressor now, as he is still shell shocked and still reticent about "bothering" me. He is worried about coming on too strong or putting me off. We are working on that. But I like sex because it's finally fun for me. It's no longer painful, I am highly orgasmic, I come easily and multiple times so there is very little effort for either us in regards to that. But I don't get caught up in any sort of emotional stuff with it. I could have sex with anyone and it would be the same. i know that sounds awful....and it feels wrong to say it, but it's true. I feel totally unmoved by sex. It makes me happy that it makes DH happy, I like doing things that please him. Having a relaxed and happy DH is good for the whole family. But I don't feel like it contributes to anything deeper than that. It's just recreation for me. A really really fun hobby. 

OMG, I just realized. I now view sex the way I used to think men did! WTF? How did that happen and how did I not know it? I just re read that last paragraph....holy shi!t. How did such a paradigm shift happen in my head without me even realizing it? WTF is wrong with me?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Probably the most important nugget of info I've learned on TAM is how important sex is to a man...and that it's an emotional connection for them. That was a real eye opener for me. I always assumed, like Lady, that it was a physical need, and that it was only emotional for women.

My H is not a big talker...not one to proclaim his undying love for me or how he needs sex to feel love. I rarely denied him, but I know I didn't have even half the enthusiasm I do now for it. It really made a huge difference in our relationship when I recognized what it means for men....even if he has never said it, I can see how my attitude for it, and how I make it clear how much I want him, has made him happier and 10x more affectionate than he's ever been with me. I know that he even turned to porn from time to time in the past because, while I didn't say "no", he felt like he was bothering me at times, so would go to the computer instead, because he felt guilty asking for sex. Now we have more fun than ever together....wish I got the message sooner, but glad I got it.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

To be desired sexually validates a man's masculinity. For me, it is the glue that holds our marriage together. My husband has said it is the "grease" that reduces friction in our relationship. I do wonder what that says about me! Anyway, a good sexual relationship bonds couples together, overcomes petty resentments, and promotes open communication. Without sexual love you are merely roommates.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I think it is wonderful of you to share your story on this public forum. It will hopefully help a lot of couples understand how complex sexuality is from person to person. Your story also shows how support in helping the LD person find out why they are LD is vital to solving the issue. Communication and understanding and pursuing the many resources available until you can come to a conclusion and resolution. 
Are you still on Prozac? Is it affecting your libido or was it just your misconceptions on sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> Are you still on Prozac? Is it affecting your libido or was it just your misconceptions on sex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm on the highest dose now that I've ever been on, and it hasn't affected me this time, as far as I can tell.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"WTF is wrong with me?"

There's nothing wrong with you, you are simply still LD, as I said.

LD people can have plenty of sex. The clue that you are still LD is that you get nothing emotional out of it.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Jonathan35 said:


> Congratulations on fixing your problem. I think your situation is unique as most woman do not have such defined issues with solutions. This problem in other marriages is usually the result of one-sided affection. The husband loves the wife and wants to express that feeling physically. The wife loves the security and comfort of her marriage but is not at all attracted to her husband. In fact, she more than likely finds him physically repulsive. She will claim LD, but she is perfectly healthy and has a very typical libido.


 Curious how you are qualified to know what most women's issues are or are not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "WTF is wrong with me?"
> 
> There's nothing wrong with you, you are simply still LD, as I said.
> 
> LD people can have plenty of sex. The clue that you are still LD is that you get nothing emotional out of it.


How can I be LD if I have a lot of desire for sex? I have lots of ideas of things to try and fantasies to play out and I've bought toys and lingerie and oils...I love it!! I just don't bond through it. :scratchhead: In fact, it's hard for me to imagine HOW to bond through sex. It's just bodies, kwim? Animals have sex the same way people do, they don't get all mushy about it. People have one night stands and FWIB and no strings attached and no emotions get involved, yet in a marriage it's supposed to be this magic feelings glue? I am more invested in intellectual discussions and deep conversations....that is when you see a real person.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

People who are HD bond through it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Us men are built on testosterone, the sex hormone. It makes us bigger, stronger, more muscular and have higher sex drives. You can't change that because that's how men are designed.


THIS ^ is how women get the impression that sex is just physical and hormonal, not emotional. 

How many times do we hear "men need sex because they're full of testosterone!!!"? Or "I so high drive and needz it!!!" Hearing that, in no way gives a woman the impression that there is an emotional component to it for men. Not at all. Or even that she has anything do with his desire...him being so high drive and hormonally needy, clearly, it's not _me _that's making him so high drive, it's his hormones.

It took me a while to grasp that there is an emotional component to it. I waited to have sex until I was almost 21, and up until then, it was all guys who want to "date" so they could get into my pants. I didn't see them wanting to express love or affection through sex, or to receive love or affection through sex. They were horny and wanted sex so they'd want to so-called date and be my so-called bf so that I'd comply. I never had any impression from them that they were in any way emotionally needy or desiring it to feel loved; it was nothing more than a physical desire.

I dated my first real bf for 6 years, and even in that time, I didn't really see an emotional component of it for him. I saw that sex was something fun we did together and explored together, but it still didn't seem more than physical. He certainly never said anything about how sex was an emotional need for him. None of the male friends I had through high school and college talked about sex being emotional or feeling loved and fulfilled through sex.

It wasn't until I was in a more mature relationship that it felt like something more than a physical need, that it was something that brought us closer emotionally and intimately, and that I saw he got something out of it that was emotional and he gave something emotional during sex.

So, if we're always hearing how hormonal guys are, it IS hard to believe that sex is an emotional need for them. Men shoot themselves in the foot by talking about testosterone/need rather than love. (Oh, except for the guys who use love-talk to get sex...see above for bf-wannabes who are really just after the goodies...most women can see through that, though.).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

People who are HD do not consider sex "like a hobby". Nor do they feel "it's just bodies".

Yes people can also have unattached sex...but that does not require being HD or LD.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> How can I be LD if I have a lot of desire for sex? I have lots of ideas of things to try and fantasies to play out and I've bought toys and lingerie and oils...I love it!! I just don't bond through it. :scratchhead: In fact, it's hard for me to imagine HOW to bond through sex. It's just bodies, kwim? Animals have sex the same way people do, they don't get all mushy about it. People have one night stands and FWIB and no strings attached and no emotions get involved, yet in a marriage it's supposed to be this magic feelings glue? I am more invested in intellectual discussions and deep conversations....that is when you see a real person.


Makes me think of Sheldon or Amy Farrah Fowler from the Big Bang Theory. But without the banging at all.

To be honest Lady your view of sex scares the hell out of me. Its like what Data from Star Trek would view sex as if he had all the proper nerves. 

Makes me wonder, why bother with toys, lingerie, fantasies, etc etc if its just [email protected]? Why not just bang it out if its just for the physical feeling? Sounds silly to waste time with the journey when you have such a destination centered view of it all.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

LoriC said:


> I could never understand it when someone says if I never had it again it would be ok. Besides the emotional connection felt during the act of sex does no one enjoy having an orgasm? Why are you women forgetting about the amazing pleasure aspect involved???
> 
> I don't think I could live without having amazing orgasms with my H. Yea I guess you could rub one out by yourself but for me it isn't quite as good as it is when my H is responsible for them.
> 
> So strange.....


Well I orgasm 99% of the time, but I still never desire sex. If I can relax and be receptive to my husband I get aroused but I really wish I was the one to feel that need.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Believing that sex is "all about orgasms" is another view of the LD person.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

norajane said:


> It took me a while to grasp that there is an emotional component to it. I waited to have sex until I was almost 21, and up until then, it was all guys who want to "date" so they could get into my pants. I didn't see them wanting to express love or affection through sex, or to receive love or affection through sex. They were horny and wanted sex so they'd want to so-called date and be my so-called bf so that I'd comply. I never had any impression from them that they were in any way emotionally needy or desiring it to feel loved; it was nothing more than a physical desire.


And this is what many husbands fight against. The typical @sshole guy. The guy that is just looking to get his rocks off. Doesnt give a sh!t about the girl. Fake through all the "dating" and talking etc to get some. 

And women have to wade through all this crap. To hopefully eventually find the "nice guy". 

And "nice guy" gets to deal with the baggage that all the @ssholes instilled in women about men and sex. Hard after all those jerks to think that while yes the nice guy is enjoying the hell out of sex with his wife physically, it also takes us to a wonderful place emotionally.  It connects us with our wives, validates our fragile egos, etc etc.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> People who are HD bond through it.


Is that really the definition of HD or is that your opinion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My opinion, but I have done a lot of reading and know a lot of HD people. Because they are driven to go for sex throughout their lives, they learn quickly how to soak up those bonding chemicals and translate them into emotions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> And this is what many husbands fight against. The typical @sshole guy. The guy that is just looking to get his rocks off. Doesnt give a sh!t about the girl. Fake through all the "dating" and talking etc to get some.
> 
> And women have to wade through all this crap. To hopefully eventually find the "nice guy".
> 
> And "nice guy" gets to deal with the baggage that all the @ssholes instilled in women about men and sex. Hard after all those jerks to think that while yes the nice guy is enjoying the hell out of sex with his wife physically, it also takes us to a wonderful place emotionally. It connects us with our wives, validates our fragile egos, etc etc.


But aren't those "jerks" and husbands the same guy, just they got older and ready to settle down with a wife? I think they are. I don't think my neighborhood was all jerks, and my university is KNOWN for its geeks rather than frats (of which there were very, very few). Those same guys are married with children now, and I'm sure they feel the same as the men on TAM that sex fulfills an emotional need for them.

My bf of 6 years wasn't a jerk. He was a nice guy and a nerd and a good person. But I still got no impression from him that sex = love. It just equaled sex = fun.

I think it's all the same guys, but their attitudes change later in life.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with Norajane that the emotional connection that sex provides comes with mature love. For horny 18 year old men, any sexual encounter is mainly to ejaculate. Why else would they brag about conquests to their buddies?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Not all 18 y/o men are like that. Some are fully aware of how to bond through sex. Many of them may talk like that simply because the other young guys are doing it, yet they feel deep emotions and connection through sex.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Not all 18 y/o men are like that. Some are fully aware of how to bond through sex. Many of them may talk like that simply because the other young guys are doing it, yet they feel deep emotions and connection through sex.


So what compels them to talk like this?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Makes me think of Sheldon or Amy Farrah Fowler from the Big Bang Theory. But without the banging at all.
> 
> To be honest Lady your view of sex scares the hell out of me. Its like what Data from Star Trek would view sex as if he had all the proper nerves.
> 
> Makes me wonder, why bother with toys, lingerie, fantasies, etc etc if its just [email protected]? Why not just bang it out if its just for the physical feeling? Sounds silly to waste time with the journey when you have such a destination centered view of it all.


If I were male, I would BE Sheldon Cooper...just not as smart. LOL. I love that show because he and Amy are characters I can relate to and understand. In a world where it feels like everyone is a Penny, it's really good to see someone more like me. Also, Temperence Brennan from Bones. 

Anyway, as for the accessories, I do that because I like it and it keeps thing from getting repetitive and boring. I do get bored easily and require novelty. DH appreciates the effort as well as he is visually stimulated. 

But you are right that I am very goal oriented in sex. It doesn't take me long to come and I don't like drawing it out. I'm a wham bam thank you mam'n. DH often has to tell me to slow down and let him catch up. But for me it only feels good if he is going hard and fast. I don't like it slow, doesn't do anything for me. When its slow, that's for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

They think that is how they are "supposed to feel". They would be teased and shamed by their peers if they said things like "I love feeling that connection through sex", so they simply don't say it. But within a few years, they are usually able to freely state how much sex is about emotional connection.

I'm talking about sexually healthy young HD men, here. Not people with intimacy issues or who are LD.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

norajane said:


> But aren't those "jerks" and husbands the same guy, just they got older and ready to settle down with a wife? I think they are. I don't think my neighborhood was all jerks, and my university is KNOWN for its geeks rather than frats (of which there were very, very few). Those same guys are married with children now, and I'm sure they feel the same as the men on TAM that sex fulfills an emotional need for them.
> 
> My bf of 6 years wasn't a jerk. He was a nice guy and a nerd and a good person. But I still got no impression from him that sex = love. It just equaled sex = fun.
> 
> I think it's all the same guys, but their attitudes change later in life.


_*All*_ the same guys? No. I think you are right and some can view sex=fun for awhile and come to realize that it can be more than that.

But no, I believe there are plenty that continue to just use women to get themselves off. Maybe even marries to simply have a consistent hole to stick it in.

Or maybe thats just comes from hearing too many guys talk the talk that they think guys are supposed to talk. :scratchhead:


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm confused then. What is someone who bonds through sex but doesn't like to do it often? HD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> They think that is how they are "supposed to feel". They would be teased and shamed by their peers if they said things like "I love feeling that connection through sex", so they simply don't say it.


That is exactly LOTL's point. How are women supposed to know that men connect emotionally through sex when nothing in our culture tells us that, and men themselves say nothing about it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I was only talking about 18 y/o men. If adult women are still counting on what men said when they were 18 as being an indication of their adult feelings later in life about sex, then the women are not maturing themselves and a stuck in the past.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I was only talking about 18 y/o men. If adult women are still counting on what men said when they were 18 as being an indication of their adult feelings later in life about sex, then the women are not maturing themselves and a stuck in the past.


It's not just 18 year old men who talk that way. And if that's what young women hear from the guys their age, and don't hear anything else until they're older, that's all they have to form and maintain their beliefs until they start hearing something different. At that point, it becomes difficult to believe when you've never heard differently.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> That is exactly LOTL's point. How are women supposed to know that men connect emotionally through sex when nothing in our culture tells us that, and men themselves say nothing about it?


Damn you would think men are the crudest form of life on this planet if you use water cooler talk of 18-20somethings to form your opinion of them.

What would men think of women if we did the same.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NoraJane: There is plenty of information out there. I am HD and have always been, so I leaned toward the type of information that helped me know more about sex and intimacy. Therefore, when I was a young woman, men who talked the way you are describing, I just assumed they had intimacy issues and paid them no mind.

Therefore, it is not true to say "that's all they have to form and maintain their beliefs". I found real adult men to speak with and ask their opinions, and to have sex with.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

This thread is confusing. I am an LD wife. I do feel that I bond with my husband when we have sex, but I also bond with him when we go for a walk, watch our children grow, etc. People wonder why we don't want orgasms, but then others say sex is not about orgasms. I am confused.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

norajane said:


> But aren't those "jerks" and husbands the same guy, just they got older and ready to settle down with a wife? I think they are. I don't think my neighborhood was all jerks, and my university is KNOWN for its geeks rather than frats (of which there were very, very few). Those same guys are married with children now, and I'm sure they feel the same as the men on TAM that sex fulfills an emotional need for them.
> 
> My bf of 6 years wasn't a jerk. He was a nice guy and a nerd and a good person. But I still got no impression from him that sex = love. It just equaled sex = fun.
> 
> I think it's all the same guys, but their attitudes change later in life.


I can vouch for one man who was NEVER like this, likely 2.. STONEWALL and my husband.... NO... there was pure emotion tied to anything we did physically....... I always felt this strongly, it was like a consuming acceptance of all of me... very romantic and beautiful as we always held each other afterwards (that AFTERGLOW -didn't know the name of it back then)

He would put himself down before he would push himself on me -because he needed to "get off"...he even waited years to stick it in (though we still touched each other) - this was not a man after 
"just sex".... he didn't even masterbate after we met - wanted to save every thrilling moment for "Us" together....

I don't feel he is the norm by any means....but to assume ALL men are the same here... I say NOT.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Giro...intimacy is confusing. That's why it is fun.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> This thread is confusing. I am an LD wife. I do feel that I bond with my husband when we have sex, but I also bond with him when we go for a walk, watch our children grow, etc.


But you can "bond" in these same ways with anyone else. You go for a walk with your friend or with your kids. You and your neighbor can watch your kids grow. Sex is the very unique thing that you bond with your husband only (unless you are a swinger).


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> If I were male, I would BE Sheldon Cooper...just not as smart. LOL. I love that show because he and Amy are characters I can relate to and understand. In a world where it feels like everyone is a Penny, it's really good to see someone more like me. Also, Temperence Brennan from Bones.
> 
> Anyway, as for the accessories, I do that because I like it and it keeps thing from getting repetitive and boring. I do get bored easily and require novelty. DH appreciates the effort as well as he is visually stimulated.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I applaud your honesty about it all. Also applaud that you eventually came around to seeing the need of your husband to have sex with you. :smthumbup: Maybe someday even Sheldon will do that.

But keep digging into that emotional aspect of sex. I suspect you may come around someday.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> NoraJane: There is plenty of information out there. I am HD and have always been, so I leaned toward the type of information that helped me know more about sex and intimacy. Therefore, when I was a young woman, men who talked the way you are describing, I just assumed they had intimacy issues and paid them no mind.
> 
> Therefore, it is not true to say "that's all they have to form and maintain their beliefs". I found real adult men to speak with and ask their opinions, and to have sex with.


Yes, eventually, I did, too. But back in the stone ages when I went to school, there was no internet and the university library was chock of of monographs but not so full of books about sex, love and emotions and relationships.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Giro flee said:


> *This thread is confusing. I am an LD wife. I do feel that I bond with my husband when we have sex*, but I also bond with him when we go for a walk, watch our children grow, etc. People wonder why we don't want orgasms, but then others say sex is not about orgasms. I am confused.


I feel these things are all over the MAP personally.... as I consider myself high drive (mostly cause I THINK about sex so much)... and I darn well WANT my orgasm, but it's that spirit of Romance....that emotional craving , at least these days... this is what fuels me... to him...

We both feel masterbating is HOLLOW in comparison to being together.... we want to bask in that emotional river together.....we don't even feel lust (or need hormonally) when we start out touching each other, that foreplay.... but it builds as we continue.... 

So this Emotional connection really is what is driving us.... then once we feel the erotic excitement coming on... then it is off to the races for that sweet orgasm [email protected]#$


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Nora, I also went to school in the stone ages. There was healthy information available if you looked hard enough for it.

But also...I knew from experience about the intense connection that happens between people during sex...and I could tell just by what people said and did if they did not experience it the same way. I avoided listening to advice from those people and avoided having sex with them.

Also, no one ruined my ideas about men or sex. No one ever told me that's all men want, that they are cold and emotionless. So since I was not expecting them to behave that way, when they did, I assumed those people were the exception, not the norm.

When I was in high school, I accidentally came across a naked picture of my grandfather, tucked away in my grandmother's bedroom! It was a recent picture! He was smiling a mile wide, and held a big rattan fan in front of his crotch. This was clearly meant as a sexy, fun picture between them...not meant for prying eyes. I quickly put the picture back, but from then on, I could see that sparkle in my grandparents' eyes, all day, every day! I had always known they were madly in love, but I never guessed they were also knockin' boots any chance they got.

THAT one experience, learning that my loving, paternal grandfather was also a sexy beast and that my grandmother kept a naked picture of him on her bureau, taught me that whatever those 18 y/o idiots were saying was not how things were in the real world.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Nora, I also went to school in the stone ages. There was healthy information available if you looked hard enough for it.
> 
> But also...I knew from experience about the intense connection that happens between people during sex...and I could tell just by what people said and did if they did not experience it the same way. I avoided listening to advice from those people and avoided having sex with them.
> 
> ...


One of the best posts Ive ever read on here. Will have to remember this as my daughter grows older.  

Hopefully I can instill these ideas in her as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I would have divorced him. I know, it sounds awful, but I wouldn't have tolerated that at all. My dad did that repeatedly to my mum and it's a deal breaker for me. I would have said he had no "needs" in that department, only "wants" and that he was destroying a family for a selfish want that was utterly unimportant. I didn't want that attention, but he'd vowed not to be with other women. I wouldn't allow such a broken promise. I *still* don't see sex as a need, not for myself anyway. It is hard for me to get my head around needing anything emotional from another person. It's not in my makeup. Sure I like it, I appreciate it, it's nice to have, but I could easily live without it. But I didn't know that not everyone was like that until a few years ago. I'm beginning to understand more and more that I am quite an odd duck LOL.


Thanks for the honest answer. I am glad that you have worked with your husband to improve your relationship in this area.

A follow-up question is why was this a deal breaker? Just trying to understand the idea that sex is optional, and by your admission nothing you wanted or thought important, but yet you essentially refused to allow your husband to have it. He could not have it from you and he could not have it with someone else.

It almost comes across as a test - if he truly loves you, he will go without and prove it. But since I can't know your mind, I am curious as to your thought process at that time.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lovesherman said:


> What a great thread, LOTL! When I was younger I also did not understand that men connect emotionally to their wives through sex. I think it is because our society trains men not to show their emotions, because emotions are associated with weakness.
> 
> Almost all of our entertainment media show men as action heroes, taking what they want with no tender connection to the woman.


I beg to differ with you. Almost all of our entertainment media show men, and husbands in particular, as weak, dumb beta bozos. Women in turn expect this beta man and resent him because of it. Not all women. 
It's great to hear a success story like this. My wife says she's LD but I know she's not because she's had affairs. She is trying to turn her feelings toward sex around and think she's making progress. What she does not know is I'm running the MAP on her and its working.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> I think it's all the same guys, but their attitudes change later in life.


I don't think it is completely about changing in life, though that is certainly part of it. Some comes from sex in a long term relationship. Sex takes on a different meaning with a person that we love.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Thanks for the honest answer. I am glad that you have worked with your husband to improve your relationship in this area.
> 
> A follow-up question is why was this a deal breaker? Just trying to understand the idea that sex is optional, and by your admission nothing you wanted or thought important, but yet you essentially refused to allow your husband to have it. He could not have it from you and he could not have it with someone else.
> 
> It almost comes across as a test - if he truly loves you, he will go without and prove it. But since I can't know your mind, I am curious as to your thought process at that time.


I wasn't testing him, I just thought he needed to settle down and be more rational, like me. Like I said emotional and physical connections are not requirements for me. I don't understand wanting them, other than superficially. 
So if he were to have had an affair I would have seen that as an unforgivable weakness. Like, he had a physical itch and he couldn't deal with it himself so he chanced getting a disease or getting some girl pregnant...all sorts of trouble when he had a perfectly functioning hand? Unforgivable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I wasn't testing him, I just thought he needed to settle down and be more rational, like me. Like I said emotional and physical connections are not requirements for me. I don't understand wanting them, other than superficially.
> So if he were to have had an affair I would have seen that as an unforgivable weakness. Like, he had a physical itch and he couldn't deal with it himself so he chanced getting a disease or getting some girl pregnant...all sorts of trouble when he had a perfectly functioning hand? Unforgivable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So its about the lack of mental discipline that an affair would indicate that bothers you? 

Because if we go too far down the clinical/logical/emotionless road, one could simply have a vasectomy and use a condom to avoid the pregnancy and disease.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I wasn't testing him, I just thought he needed to settle down and be more rational, like me. Like I said emotional and physical connections are not requirements for me. I don't understand wanting them, other than superficially.
> So if he were to have had an affair I would have seen that as an unforgivable weakness. Like, he had a physical itch and he couldn't deal with it himself so he chanced getting a disease or getting some girl pregnant...all sorts of trouble when he had a perfectly functioning hand? Unforgivable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I am still not understanding. How was sex any different than play basketball or lifting weights. You did not need it, so why care if he did it? I understand you did not want or need sex, but why was it so important that he either not want or need it, or control himself enough not to act on it?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

But that still shows a weakness of character. To *want* something that much that you'd destroy a family for it? For a physical sensation you can replicate yourself? It baffles me. 
Back then, it was I don't want it, its not neccessary so you shouldn't want it either. I am glad we have been able to resolve that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> They think that is how they are "supposed to feel". They would be teased and shamed by their peers if they said things like "I love feeling that connection through sex", so they simply don't say it.


I haven't felt a connection with anyone except for my wife. Didn't even know what it was or that it existed. It's insane how much it means to me now! 

Personally, I think it's a *special* bond that comes with time and love.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

He's my husband...he'd vowed to be faithful to me. I expected fidelity from him, as I would be faithful to him. He just needed to realize that he didn't need sex. It all made perfect sense to me then. He came across to me like a petulant child pouting for candy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> But that still shows a weakness of character. To *want* something that much that you'd destroy a family for it? For a physical sensation you can replicate yourself? It baffles me.
> Back then, it was I don't want it, its not neccessary so you shouldn't want it either. I am glad we have been able to resolve that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think what TAG is getting at is WHY should that destroy the family then?

If you dont want it, do care about it, no desire for sex, etc etc, then why couldnt your spouse fulfill that need elsewhere? Just [email protected] mind you. No other time with the other woman, no money, no kids, no dinner, nothing. Just some chick to bang. 
(And no you cant replicate it yourself. Ive told my wife many times if my hand could make me feel the way even her hand can, then I would never leave the house.)

But back to the what if. If one views sex as just that, [email protected], and never more, and has no desire to do it with ones spouse, why couldnt that spouse get it elsewhere?

Most would answer because there always is more to sex than just the physical eventually.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I think the fact that you resolved it is what is important in this thread. You don't need it for emotional connection but were willing to see it was important to your husband. Now you enjoy it!! Sounds like a happy ending to me. I don't get all the hd/ld stuff but that may be better served on a separate thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *LadyOfTheLake said*: He's my husband...he'd vowed to be faithful to me. I expected fidelity from him, as I would be faithful to him. He just needed to realize that he didn't need sex. It all made perfect sense to me then. He came across to me like a petulant child pouting for candy.


Honestly I don't know HOW your husband did this - wasn't he eaten alive with RESENTMENT.. he must have been low drive too, or he was content with porn or something.....

If not, I think he's a Saint for sticking by you personally.....this thread should be a wake up call for anyone reading-not married yet to fully understand the mindset of SOME Low drivers....

I said in a post yesterday....that I COULD forgive cheating ...If I ignored my husbands needs, was cold, sourpussed, callous, pushing him away....IF he eventually fell into something out of desperation...and misery...I would 1st look at my own hand in that... . I compared a sexless marriage to be like living in Hell chained to your cell... 

I see it as the most ugliest of Betrayals.. but I must say I am a 180 from the way you feel on Emotion & attachment to another ... Lady of the Lake...

Amazing you turned this around, I just want to know how the hell he survived it and is not eaten by resentment -for those LOST frustrating hurtful years of spanking the monkey alone ??


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

TAG/MOE...remember I thought men just wanted to use a womans body for their own gratification, to get off and to stroke their ego over dominating a woman. I thought that the submission of a woman was a big part of the deal for them. So no, there was NO WAY I was going to turn DH loose and let him do that to another woman. In my mind, the only women who wanted it were emotionally damaged slvts who craved attention. Sex was just a tool they used to hook men. I didn't want him getting tangled up with such a person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Honestly I don't know HOW your husband did this - wasn't he eaten alive with RESENTMENT.. he must have been low drive too, or he was content with porn or something.....
> 
> If not, I think he's a Saint for sticking by you personally.....this thread should be a wake up call for anyone reading-not married yet to fully understand the mindset of SOME Low drivers....


She also said that sex was physically painful for her until she had a child. So I can see how a man would understand that it's painful and stick by her through it.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Yes, the physical pain was a large part of MY resentment towards him. I may have been more willing to play along and cooperate had it not hurt me. It infuriated me that he wanted to do something so much that caused me real pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

norajane said:


> She also said that sex was physically painful for her until she had a child. So I can see how a man would understand that it's painful and stick by her through it.


Yeah but I would have a REALLY NICE sex doll. :rofl:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Yeah but I would have a REALLY NICE sex doll. :rofl:


This just reinforces the image that women have of men as wanting sex for testosterone-fueled desire, not intimate, emotional connection. I also had this picture of male sexuality from the use of prostitutes.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> This just reinforces the image that women have of men as wanting sex for testosterone-fueled desire, not intimate, emotional connection. I also had this picture of male sexuality from the use of prostitutes.


Didnt you see the funny smiley face and guy rolling on the ground laughing?

Besides sex is both a testosterone fuled desire for T&A and an intimate emotional connection. In a way like food is simply fuel to keep us alive and can be so much more.

Why I like both I guess. :smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Yes, the physical pain was a large part of MY resentment towards him. I may have been more willing to play along and cooperate had it not hurt me. It infuriated me that he wanted to do something so much that caused me real pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So this means you waited till you was married to have sex....or he KNEW before -that you had great pain and still wanted to marry?? 

There was another poster here Browncoat, his wife had great pain.... it took them a year to even "get it in" -then she got pregnant (I had this issue too when we married... but I was thrilled to keep trying, didn't take a year & was never painful afterwards- but heavenly)... 

Anyway, Browncoat described his passionless marriage -how this was affecting him....the resentment was something only such men could understand...didn't matter it wasn't her fault... it was still there.. aching ....she could have done other things to relieve him but she didn't. He stayed for his kids.. his story was heartbreaking..

I looked it up >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/42686-another-case-hd-ld-married-couple.html

He never cheated on her either.. but he had to throw himself into other pursuits to take his mind off of what was ripped from his life that he would never have...He likened it to be in Hell. Reading his story angered me. 

I'd want to mess my spouse up if I had to live with that...why I'd have to get out.... I simply couldn't love THAT much...


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I remember Browncoat--he was a thoughtful poster. So helpful and empathetic to everyone. I wonder if his wife ever realized what she was doing to him.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> TAG/MOE...remember I thought men just wanted to use a womans body for their own gratification, to get off and to stroke their ego over dominating a woman. I thought that the submission of a woman was a big part of the deal for them. So no, there was NO WAY I was going to turn DH loose and let him do that to another woman. In my mind, the only women who wanted it were emotionally damaged slvts who craved attention. Sex was just a tool they used to hook men. I didn't want him getting tangled up with such a person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks again for the answers. I hope you know that I am not trying to beat you up. Rather, just trying to explore the mindset to see why sex means so little to you personally, yet your husband not having it is also so completely important.

Even if it was not your intent, it still comes off as a test of his love and becoming a civilized person, as opposed to some animal governed by his baser urges.

I am glad you have turned the corner to improve things with him. For what it is worth, if you want sex a lot, then I think that makes you high drive. Good luck.

P.S. - You may not want to advertise to your husband that sex with him is not all that important beyond the physical. That would like put some unpleasant thoughts into his mind.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Sex and physical intimacy is how people connect and maintain their connection.
> 
> How do you think people get hooked on their affair partners?


Sex and physical intimacy aren't the IT of connectivity for everyone, though. Though they may always be a part of the picture, how small or great a part they are is dependent on the people involved. I think there's a lot more to connecting and maintaining a connection than sex and physical intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So this means you waited till you was married to have sex....or he KNEW before -that you had great pain and still wanted to marry??


We were both virgins when we married, but barely. He knew I wasn't very sexual. But I was more interested *before* marriage. Because what we were doing didn't hurt. Then once penetration proved to be so awful, I lost all interest. Plus, whatever ego boost I'd gotten out of having sexual power over a man was gone. I had him, didn't need to tempt him anymore. I know that sounds awful, but that is the truth. I have been desired by men since I was 14. It's not my fault, it's genetics. It's the way I look, the way I'm shaped and probably the way I act, as I am different. Challenging. I've known this since I started getting looks and attention from men, it's some sort of sixth sense that I never wanted. I knew I had a power over them, could manipulate them and use them....and in my mind this was okay because they were all souless ba[email protected] anyway. I knew how to flirt and tease and bat my eyes and make a man think I was soooo interested.....just for the thrill of having that control. And I did this all while I was very young. I even lived with a man prior to getting married but manipulated things so I didn't have to sleep with him. Well, I slept with him..but remained a "virgin". I despised him, but needed a place to stay when my mum threw me out. 

So anyway, I met my husband and we dated off and on. He wasn't my type and I only flirted with him out of habit. He was very very shy. But somehow, we fell in love. We had some really rough patches, the one being where we broke up for awhile and I was living with that man. When we got back together, we got engaged and then married when I was 21 and he was 20. From then till the time we started trying to conceive, our sex life was strained and patchy. Then when there was a purpose for sex, I was more interested, at least during my fertile times. After the birth, after I had healed from an episiotomy and some extensive tearing, I found sex wasn't painful anymore. But I still wasn't interested. It wasn't till after our second child that something switched up for me. I still don't know what it was. If I'd matured enough, finally felt secure, hormones, I don't know. But I was ready to finally HEAR what he'd been saying all those years.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> P.S. - You may not want to advertise to your husband that sex with him is not all that important beyond the physical. That would like put some unpleasant thoughts into his mind.


Too late.

When we were getting this all figured out I did tell him that it was emotionally meaningless for me. He took it well, I think. But then he knows how I am. But I do wonder if that hurt him and he is hiding it. The more I talk about this and the more I read about this, I more I realize how different *I* am from the norm. I did't know. I just didn't know that everyone saw the world so much differently than I do. Sometimes if feels like I am a different species.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> Sex and physical intimacy aren't the IT of connectivity for everyone, though. Though they may always be a part of the picture, how small or great a part they are is dependent on the people involved. I think there's a lot more to connecting and maintaining a connection than sex and physical intimacy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Through the repeated acts of sexual activity with a person, there is a brain chemical "oxytocin" that causes bonding in human beings.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Too late.
> 
> When we were getting this all figured out I did tell him that it was emotionally meaningless for me. He took it well, I think. But then he knows how I am. But I do wonder if that hurt him and he is hiding it. The more I talk about this and the more I read about this, I more I realize how different *I* am from the norm. I did't know. I just didn't know that everyone saw the world so much differently than I do. Sometimes if feels like I am a different species.


If it did hurt him, I would not be surprised if he never shared that. So you will just need to let that go.

Based on your post to SA, your experience and actions do not exactly portray you in a positive light. Your view of men as souless bast!rds to control and manipulate with sex may be part of why sex is so emotionless. Have you gone to counseling to explore that?


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I don't see why it's a big deal that sex doesn't emotionally mean anything to you. Your husband can make you feel close to him in other ways I'm sure. We don't all have the same love languages. It may not be the norm to not feel anything emotion wise with your husband but I don't see why it is bad if it doesn't cause problems for your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Through the repeated acts of sexual activity with a person, there is a brain chemical "oxytocin" that causes bonding in human beings.


Yes, that is what the scientists say. But real people can tell you that it doesn't always work that way. I was supposed to bond through labour and breastfeeding...two activities that produce oxytocin...and that was an unmitigated disaster with my first child.

Is it possible for those hormones to flow and for a person to just not be affected by them? I didn't bond with my eldest son till he was at least 3 months old. I wanted to give him up for adoption....I didn't even like him. Things went much more smoothly with my second, but I'll never have another.

Maybe I'm like defective glue. Unbondable. LOL


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Yes, that is what the scientists say. But real people can tell you that it doesn't always work that way. I was supposed to bond through labour and breastfeeding...two activities that produce oxytocin...and that was an unmitigated disaster with my first child.
> 
> Is it possible for those hormones to flow and for a person to just not be affected by them? I didn't bond with my eldest son till he was at least 3 months old. I wanted to give him up for adoption....I didn't even like him. Things went much more smoothly with my second, but I'll never have another.
> 
> Maybe I'm like defective glue. Unbondable. LOL


Some of us do not have emotional connectivity. That is true.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Maybe I'm like defective glue. Unbondable."

Asperger's?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> We were both virgins when we married, but barely. He knew I wasn't very sexual. But I was more interested *before* marriage. Because what we were doing didn't hurt. Then once penetration proved to be so awful, I lost all interest.


 OK, that makes sense.... We were similar ... After the Honeymoon learned I had a very rigid hymen problem, enough to warrant surgury even...got pregnant before he penetrated me, crazy story we have... I was 5 months pregnant before the "breakthrough". 



> Plus, whatever ego boost I'd gotten out of having sexual power over a man was gone. I had him, didn't need to tempt him anymore. I know that sounds awful, but that is the truth.


 I LIKE your honesty ! :smthumbup: I am sure many women feel this way.. 



> I have been desired by men since I was 14. It's not my fault, it's genetics. It's the way I look, the way I'm shaped and probably the way I act, as I am different. Challenging. I've known this since I started getting looks and attention from men, it's some sort of sixth sense that I never wanted. I knew I had a power over them, could manipulate them and use them....and in my mind this was okay because they were all souless [email protected] anyway. I knew how to flirt and tease and bat my eyes and make a man think I was soooo interested.....just for the thrill of having that control. And I did this all while I was very young.


 May I ask... why did you feel all men were soulless [email protected] ? Where did this come from? NO good examples of men in your life... a Grandfather.... something? 
You just explained a *POWER VIEW of sexuality* ....though it is ODD since you didn't want the consummate the act -explained in this thread HERE 



> *5. **Power View* ~ Sexuality is a potent instrument for controlling others/ sex wields power". ... Sexual desire is the desire to possess another, while wanting to avoid being objectified by the other. One must be savvy to the potential for sexual exploitation, manipulation and violence (in it's rawest forms).
> 
> Sexuality is seen as "energy", as a force, Sexual interaction lays us bare & can strip us of control as we surrender to desire. Knowing oneself as a being who commands another’s sexual attention is invigorating / experiencing oneself as sexually attractive is enlivening. Yet this power is fragile & leaves you at the mercy of another's way of seeing - when I become a “sex object,” someone else decides whether I am valued, set aside, desired or dismissed.
> 
> ...





> So anyway,* I met my husband and we dated off and on. He wasn't my type and I only flirted with him out of habit. He was very very shy. But somehow, we fell in love*.


 So your husband was the introverted Guy who probably put you on a pedestal and treated you like a Queen...the Nice Guy? I only say this.. because pretty much this is the type of man I married too, and it WOULD make sense to me WHY he stayed with you, my husband would walk through fire for his woman & be faithful ...he is very unselfish.... 



> It wasn't till after our second child that something switched up for me. I still don't know what it was. If I'd matured enough, finally felt secure, hormones, I don't know. But I was ready to finally HEAR what he'd been saying all those years.


 Wonderful, I am elated for him. Sounds like you married a good man. 

Even my husband struggled with some resentment towards me (it went silent as he always appeared happy)...it helped we were never anything near sexless- I liked it too much ... he just wanted more affection & MORE sex ... hearing too many guys at work complaining all their wives hated sex... he didn't want to rock the boat with me, feeling he had it pretty good..even though he craved more ... It's a "live & learn" here too.

Thank you for sharing LadyoftheLake !


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kermitty said:


> *I don't see why it's a big deal that sex doesn't emotionally mean anything to you.* Your husband can make you feel close to him in other ways I'm sure. We don't all have the same love languages. It may not be the norm *to not feel anything emotion wise with your husband* but I don't see why it is bad if it doesn't cause problems for your relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This purely depends on the person... I know my husband would be utterly devastated if I felt this way...he probably wouldn't even touch me...he is very very sensitive to this sort of thing... It would be like a slicing to the







...Frankly I'd feel the same.....I need to feel some emotional passion..... 

But yeah, if it works for others.. I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day... We're all different.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> But did other females in your life actually tell you that men are just pigs with no emotional connection?


To me, it seems like that message is pretty much everywhere in books, movies and television. I've heard it basically said from the platform at my wife's church(!)


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Asperger's?


It seems likely.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lady...have you really checked into that? It does sound like it might fit you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I think the media and society has given us a warped view of men's sexuality, one that is so ingrained that we don't even question it, yet we deeply resent it. It is up to you as a loving spouse to shatter this illusion that your wife doesn't even know she has.


Oh yeah! Tell me about it! The ironic thing is that this doesn't just affect men with LD wives but men with HD wives as well, as was the case with my marriage, BAH!

Good that you woke up though 

There's always so much BS stereotypes and sayings reflecting the bogus lie that "Men just want sex and they just want to get into your pants"

Recently meeting other women I've noticed this mentality and attitude is still quite common, and when it becomes obvious that this mentality is shared, I excuse myself at the next polite interval, then I reject them for future dates, and they end up wondering what they said... pffft


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Too late.
> 
> When we were getting this all figured out I did tell him that it was emotionally meaningless for me. He took it well, I think. But then he knows how I am. But I do wonder if that hurt him and he is hiding it. The more I talk about this and the more I read about this, I more I realize how different *I* am from the norm. I did't know. I just didn't know that everyone saw the world so much differently than I do. Sometimes if feels like I am a different species.


I feel sad for what you are missing out of feeling an emotional or any connection for that matter. 

I can't help but wonder if you are truly with the Love you were meant to be with? If you were you may feel differently about all this. Just something I wonder, not judging.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I *still* don't see sex as a need, not for myself anyway. It is hard for me to get my head around needing anything emotional from another person.


Alexander Solzhenitsyn (_The Gulag Archipelago_) and Alexander Dolgun (_An American In The Gulag_) both described an interrogation technique the Russians used under Stalin.

The person was simply deprived of all human contact for a period of many months. Then they were put in a cell with another human being.

The term Dolgun used roughly translates to 'Verbal Diarrhea.' The need to communicate with another person has built up to the point where all inhibitions are gone. The cellmate is (Of course) an informer who relays everything they're told.

Stronger people than many of us probably are have been broken this way. Emotional needs are no less real than physical needs. Most of us simply don't realize it though.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Through the repeated acts of sexual activity with a person, there is a brain chemical "oxytocin" that causes bonding in human beings.


If I don't love a person, no amount of sex with that individual will make me love him/her. (Yes, I know from experience.) Sex has never equaled love for me. I imagine it's the same for some other people, too, though certainly not the majority.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Lady...have you really checked into that? It does sound like it might fit you.


I did see a specialist in autism disorders last year. He told me I was very very mildly on the spectrum but wasn't Aspergers because Aspergers people don't seek help. Therefore, by knowing that something was wrong with me, I couldn't be Aspie. Also, Aspiies were amazing and dynamic, talented people and I most certainly was not.

He was a bit of a d!ck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wha???

I know some Aspie's who certainly are NOT dynamic, talented people. 

Def sounds like a d*ck.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Lady, so do you have any idea what turned you from LD to HD? I would do anything to switch....


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I think reaching 30 had something to do with hormones, possibly. But I think the major change was realizing that I wasn't going to be victimized by sex. That my husband really did need something from *me* and not just any warm body. That I wasn't replaceable. Those are my best theories anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm past hoping for a hormone boost. I think I just have to accept me for who I am and just keep on working on it, cause my husband is worth everything to me. Thanks


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

After reading this post (having browsed TAM for ages without feeling a need to write) I wanted to add my 5 cents, FWIW.

First off, kudos to LOTL for not only posting the original post, but being calm and rational in all her replies. Some of the feedback she's had hasn't been exactly encouraging, and I applaud her for being so straightforward and honest.

All I wanted to say was, as someone who struggled with painful sex for many years, I understand completely where LOTL was coming from. She said sex was painful. Painful sex causes anguish for everyone involved. For me, I felt like a failure, I was unworthy, I also believed men just wanted sex for their own needs, that it was purely a physical act. My ex couldn't understand why it was painful (neither could I). I saw gynos, therapists, did all the treatment. To this day I don't know why it happened, or why it went away. But I know it had a huge impact on my sex life (obviously!!) and I know my attitude towards men, because of my past experience, probably had an impact on why it occurred.

I guess I just wanted to post because it may be perhaps "easy" for people who have never had sexual issues to dismiss or diss those who _*have*_ had sexual issues, which then results in LD, without really understanding why. There may be many different reasons causing LD. Lack of intimacy outside the bedroom. Painful sex. Resentment. Rejection. Loss of attraction. Hormones. Past bad experiences. I could go on.....

Yes, I know I'm the newbie!! I just wanted to thank the OP for her message and say "yes, I've been where you were, yes, I think I've also come out of it, but yes, I relate to what you said. And thanks for saying what you did  "


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lady, you aren't from a different species. You are just more unique! Farther to one side or the other on the bell curve. Define what is normal for yourself (as I know you are currently doing).

I know how you feel although not for the same reasons. There are ways in which seemingly "no one" feels the same way that I do about sex. I used to search for others who agreed with me...apparently needing the validation. I never found them. But I did develop self-validation.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Porcupine said:


> I also believed men just wanted sex for their own needs, that it was purely a physical act. My ex couldn't understand why it was painful (neither could I). I saw gynos, therapists, did all the treatment. To this day I don't know why it happened, or why it went away.


 So you never had a diagnosis? WHY do you feel it went away, the realization it meant MORE to your husband...just as LOTL? And how did that come about, reading something...His expressing his needs deeply and it finally got through? 



> But I know it had a huge impact on my sex life (obviously!!) and *I know my attitude towards men, because of my past experience, probably had an impact on why it occurred*.


Sounds psychological ...so you mean Prior experiences in dating, not with caring men - before you married, you feel THIS led to your feelings / even the pain itself? 








Porcupine - Keep posting !


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Porcupine said:


> After reading this post (having browsed TAM for ages without feeling a need to write) I wanted to add my 5 cents, FWIW.
> 
> First off, kudos to LOTL for not only posting the original post, but being calm and rational in all her replies. Some of the feedback she's had hasn't been exactly encouraging, and I applaud her for being so straightforward and honest.


Thank you for your feedback Porcupine.

I wasn't sure how well such revelations would be received here, seeing as this seems to be the venting place for HD partners, but I thought I could at least offer some insight



> I guess I just wanted to post because it may be perhaps "easy" for people who have never had sexual issues to dismiss or diss those who _*have*_ had sexual issues, which then results in LD, without really understanding why. There may be many different reasons causing LD. Lack of intimacy outside the bedroom. Painful sex. Resentment. Rejection. Loss of attraction. Hormones. Past bad experiences. I could go on.....
> 
> 
> "


I have been a TAM lurker for well over a year. And many times I have walked away from the computer in total disgust at what I've read from HD people, in their assumptions about LD's. All the times I've read that the LD's should just "give it up" and "get over it" and "bait and switch" and threats of divorce....it was infuriating. People just really don't get it. We live in a sex obsessed society. Everyone is supposed to be so rah rah rah about it. Yet so many people have been damaged by it, by abuse and molestation, rape, rigid religious upbringings....the numbers of women who have had SOME sort of sexual interference are staggering. Yet we are all supposed to be hot little nymphos writhing under our husband's gaze? It just can't work that way. And then add in the people who have real physical conditions that make sex unpleasant....it's not just in their heads. But we are all supposed to lustily jump in the sack and go all mushy and warm and fuzzy over the acts that cause so much pain, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental? It's no bloody wonder that there are so many mismatched libido relationships.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you still feel that way, Lady? Or can you appreciate that some women have not been harmed by sex, that they are squirming nymphos (for their own reasons, not to please a man), and that sex itself is a beautiful thing? Because it would be beneficial if we could all understand the other side. Part of my own quest was to make sure I understood the LD side, without assuming those people were "wrong" or "not normal". But part of my own quest was also to understand why I couldn't stop being horny all the time, was there something wrong with me, am I a hopeless wh*re or is this normal? See what I'm getting at?

You are right that many HD people do not understand LD people and paint them unfairly. But wouldn't the reverse be true, also? HD people are not necessarily the sexual abusers, rapists, and people who do bad things with sex. Those people are in a different category all together.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I did not mean to imply that abusers were HD. Not at all. Abusers are broken people, often victims of abuse themselves. 

Sex itself a beautiful thing? No I don't think so. My heart is numb to it, my body says its fun and my mind says it is a dangerous weapon. I don't see any beauty in it. 

I recognize that others do, however. I've always recognized that some people had different feeling about sex than me. I just didn't know HOW different till relatively recently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I did not mean to imply that abusers were HD. Not at all. Abusers are broken people, often victims of abuse themselves.
> 
> Sex itself a beautiful thing? No I don't think so. My heart is numb to it, my body says its fun and my mind says it is a dangerous weapon. I don't see any beauty in it.
> 
> ...


Those that don't like sex or think it is anything special can also be abusers. 

Also, recognizing that people have different feels in quite different that accepting. You accept now, while I it clear that in the past you did not. Congratulations on that change.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Those that don't like sex or think it is anything special can also be abusers.
> 
> Also, recognizing that people have different feels in quite different that accepting. You accept now, while I it clear that in the past you did not. Congratulations on that change.


True,

Those who don't form emotional connectivity or appreciate sex for the beauty it is can be the most serious abusers.

They would do the act for the power and control only, the degradation aspects would get them off, rather than the expression of emotion and giving.

They wouldn't see any other reason for it.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I did not mean to imply that abusers were HD. Not at all. Abusers are broken people, often victims of abuse themselves.
> 
> Sex itself a beautiful thing? No I don't think so. My heart is numb to it, my body says its fun and my mind says it is a dangerous weapon. I don't see any beauty in it.
> 
> ...


You can't see the beauty in the fact you can show your partner how you feel and how you want to make them feel through your actions? What they feel out of it?

Those of us who connect strongly ride off of this expression.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Thank you for your feedback Porcupine.
> 
> I wasn't sure how well such revelations would be received here, seeing as this seems to be the venting place for HD partners, but I thought I could at least offer some insight
> 
> ...


After all of my readings going back to 2007, I don't know all the reasons for LD's. But a tremendous amount of this LD and lack of intimacy stage was due to power struggles.

The LD doesn't want to give "it" or anything else, because they don't think they should have to. And this "giving" is with respect to many facets of life. They monitor and manage all of it, and please don't come with an apparent "need". It looks "needy" and they will not want to provide it, why should they?

Imagine if you well there are "us" people, "me" people and "you" people. There is a hyper-self-centered focus which is possible, and this focus at it's very most powerful, will not GIVE anything which is advantageous to others. Or will not GIVE anything unless they are getting something larger in return.

The best sex IS love, and it's unmanaged, unrestricted, completely unregulated.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

john_lord_b3,

I tell them, "you've never had real sex before..."


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. DaddyLongshanks,

I myself am LD, LD in the sense that I put sex not in the 1st rank of most desirable thing in life. I am more attracted to my art and my studies than to sex, to be honest.

I could go on without sex for weeks even months, and once went for a full year without it. 

However, being an Asian, I am a product of my culture, and we still believe that in a marriage, it is our duty to provide sexual satisfaction to our spouse, and we have to give it with pride and joy, not by grumbling and not by being half-hearted in our efforts. I know the concept of "duty sex" is not accepted by some westerners, but to each their own.

Even when I am not in the mood, I will attend to my wife's sexual needs. When there's a will, there's a way. That's what self-suggestions and food supplements are for. 

I agree with you that there are people who:



> ...there are "us" people, "me" people and "you" people. There is a hyper-self-centered focus which is possible, and this focus at it's very most powerful, will not GIVE anything which is advantageous to others. Or will not GIVE anything unless they are getting something larger in return.."


I realize that there are people whom are just like what you describe above.. but not all LDs are like that. We're just wired differently. Some LDs are selfish, some are not. I just hope that people don't paint us all with the same brush.

And for the record, I don't see anything wrong with HD people complaining about their misery. After all, the purpose of TAM is to help people solve their problem, including sexual problems in marriage.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Holland said:


> Why did you get married, that is selfish. You must have had some serious childhood issues to be so cold and uncaring. Did you not have any good males role models while growing up?


Nice Holland Glad you are the Judge here I would say you are way off base here but LOTL can take care of herself I just wanted her to know I got her back


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I've been reading this thread with much interest, since, for the past two weeks I have been intending to start a similar thread. 

Two weeks ago, in desperation, I typed "How do I make myself want sex" into a search engine. I ended up here, at TAL, in a thread that really resonated with me. Out of curiosity I started clicking though other threads in the Sex and Marriage forum, and an hour later I was in tears because I realized how utterly unhappy and lonely and abandoned my husband must feel. 

For the past ten years my husband has been unhappy and frustrated with the amount of sex we have. I could supply a million reasons for why sex had dropped off, some of them valid, some of them not, but mostly having to do with the stress of having kids and the stress of my husband's job. Our relationship reached a low point four or five years ago and I asked my husband to go to counseling with me. He would not, so I went alone. Best thing I ever did: I learned how find happiness even though my husband was miserable. Also worst thing I ever did, because I was content with my happiness while my husband was still miserable. Still, our marriage improved, largely though some things that I learned in therapy, but also because we both made a concerted effort to work on improving our relationship for the sake of our kids. (We both agreed that we'd have divorced if it hadn't been for them.) But our sex life stayed stagnant. 

To offer some background: I've been with my husband for over 20 years--we met in college and dated for ten years before we got married. We had a great sex life--once we had sex seven times in one day. I don't think we ever fought about sex except for the time I freaked out because we didn't have sex for three weeks (he was dealing with a family tragedy so there was a good reason.) I loved our sex life, I loved sex. But then: We had two children in less than three years, relocated, he changed careers, I stopped working . . . and some how everything fell apart. We both, I think, felt a little traumatized by life and we were not taking any time for ourselves and our marriage. Complicating matters is the fact that we have extraordinarily different interests and we both seemed to sort of go our separate ways. I felt neglected and alone, he felt neglected and alone. I got angry and resentful, and so did he. We still had sex, but now it was down to probably 1-2 times per month, even less for some stretches. 

As I said we worked hard on our marriage, and things have been pretty good for the past few years. He's made some significant sacrifices to improve our family life. I've tried to do better with sex, and for about a year after therapy held steady at about 3-5 times a month. Then it tapered off again to once or twice every few weeks. He's been really, really miserable about it. I just never felt like it--I need a ton of sleep, I have issues with fatigue, the kids are demanding, and he works long hours and likes to stay up late, so that didn't help. He also was working out of town four days a week for two years, which made things much worse because I felt hugely pressured on the weekends to have sex with him. 

He tried to talk to me about it multiple times. I heard him, but I didn't understand. Sometimes I sort of felt like he was being selfish, wanting ME to do all the changing. I felt like he didn't listen when I'd tell him what I needed emotionally. Sometimes I sort of wished he wasn't such a decent man and that he'd go have sex with someone else and leave me alone. I felt guilty, I felt harassed, I felt unable to connect with him on a physically intimate level. I thought it was just about meeting a need--just like the OP stated. He was honest with me more than once about how hard it was on him but I DID NOT GET IT. I didn't get it until I heard it from so many other men on this forum in the same words. I utterly fell apart in front of my computer because the pain came through so clearly. I realized suddenly and with great clarity: Sex wasn't something to be taken from me, it was mine to give. 

I know I deserve to be flamed: my completely decent husband was honest with me, and I blew him off. I don't know what to say to that: I heard him, I knew it was an issue, I wanted to want sex more, but I felt helpless. I don't know where my libido went. I'm healthy, fit, happy and in my early 40's. My husband always makes it clear that he wants me, is turned on by me, and thinks I am sexy. But in the back of my mind was a suspicion that he was just saying that to get sex. I thought my husband should be satisfied with having sex when we BOTH felt hot for it, not just when he "needed it". It sounds dramatic, but I feel like I've had blinders torn off. 

The ONLY thing my marriage is missing is intimacy through regular sexual contact. And it's so weird that now that I know my husband wants more sex WITH ME for emotional intimacy WITH ME, my drive is coming back. We've had sex mutiple times in the past two weeks, and I've even been turned down a time or two. 

And it's not just sex--I've been seeking him out to be with him, we've been much more loving toward one another, I feel less irritable with him and I'm happier. I feel like a pathway to a really, really good marriage--and intimate marriage-- has opened up. 

So, all of this is a really, really LONG way of suggesting to husbands who have otherwise "good" marriages, who believe their wives are LD, that they should give their wives the TAL url and let them start reading. I think some of the posters here might have literally saved my marriage. 

I don't know why I couldn't "get it" from my husband. I don't have close married male friends who might have told me about this issue. I suspect sexless marriages are not talked about much, even between guy friends. I'm appalled and ashamed of myself for causing my husband, who I love, so much pain. I've talked to him about this, tried to explain to him how I didn't understand but that now I do. He's been very sweet, but I still get the feeling he's holding back, that he doesn't really believe it. I think it will take awhile to convince him. I'm nervous that my LD will come back, I confess. I come here often to seek reassurance and to remind myself of why sex is important. I'm looking forward to seeing how our marriage does change once he is feeling more secure about regular physical intimacy. 

I'm sorry I wrote such a book, but I wanted the frustrated husbands to know that getting through to an LD partner might mean finding a way for the LD partner to make the discovery for herself. There might be some others out there as dense as me.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Most of us are dense in some way when it comes to relationships. Wether your partner is asking for sex or compliments or quality time, a lot of us hear them but we don't understand them. I'm glad you put in the effort to find the answers. That makes you smart and caring and not dense 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GettingIt said:


> He tried to talk to me about it multiple times. * I heard him, but I didn't understand. *  Sometimes I sort of felt like he was being selfish, wanting ME to do all the changing. I felt like he didn't listen when I'd tell him what I needed emotionally. Sometimes I sort of wished he wasn't such a decent man and that he'd go have sex with someone else and leave me alone. I felt guilty, I felt harassed, I felt unable to connect with him on a physically intimate level. I thought it was just about meeting a need--just like the OP stated.
> 
> *He was honest with me more than once about how hard it was on him but I DID NOT GET IT.* I didn't get it until I heard it from so many other men on this forum in the same words. I utterly fell apart in front of my computer because the pain came through so clearly. * I realized suddenly and with great clarity: Sex wasn't something to be taken from me,
> it was mine to give.
> *






> I know I deserve to be flamed: my completely decent husband was honest with me, and I blew him off. I don't know what to say to that: I heard him, I knew it was an issue, I wanted to want sex more, but I felt helpless. I don't know where my libido went. I'm healthy, fit, happy and in my early 40's. My husband always makes it clear that he wants me, is turned on by me, and thinks I am sexy. But in the back of my mind was a suspicion that he was just saying that to get sex. I thought my husband should be satisfied with having sex when we BOTH felt hot for it, not just when he "needed it". It sounds dramatic, but I feel like I've had blinders torn off.
> 
> The ONLY thing my marriage is missing is intimacy through regular sexual contact. *And it's so weird that now that I know my husband wants more sex WITH ME for emotional intimacy WITH ME, my drive is coming back. * We've had sex mutiple times in the past two weeks, and I've even been turned down a time or two.
> 
> And it's not just sex--I've been seeking him out to be with him, we've been much more loving toward one another, I feel less irritable with him and I'm happier. I feel like a pathway to a really, really good marriage--*and intimate marriage*-- has opened up.


 What a wonderful story you have here :smthumbup:... your turning point was to dare to FEEL the emotional...his truth finally penetrating your ...believing in that..basking in it. 



> I don't know why I couldn't "get it" from my husband. I don't have close married male friends who might have told me about this issue. I suspect sexless marriages are not talked about much, even between guy friends. I'm appalled and ashamed of myself for causing my husband, who I love, so much pain. I've talked to him about this, tried to explain to him how I didn't understand but that now I do. * He's been very sweet, but I still get the feeling he's holding back, that he doesn't really believe it. I think it will take awhile to convince him. I'm nervous that my LD will come back,* I confess. I come here often to seek reassurance and to remind myself of why sex is important. I'm looking forward to seeing how our marriage does change once he is feeling more secure about regular physical intimacy.


 With 10 yrs behind him near sexless (sexless is considered 10 or less times a year by sex therapists)... he fears grabbing hold of this Heaven to have it ripped from his grasp...

Much reassurance, flirting, teasing, playing with him...letting him know how much YOU desire him, and love him deeply...and oh MY.... for remaining that DECENT man...through his pain....because of his deep love FOR YOU/ his family ...when many would have fallen...or left. 

Understanding the hurt/suffering of a spouse VS. Not "getting it" no matter how many times a man has tried to express it .....what a maze of LOW DRIVE ...or even IF a husband has HOPE or he resigns himself to feeling unloved, rejected and alone till he dies. Everyone needs hope. 

I just don't feel the majority of men would be as patient as LOTL's & "GettingIt"- (love that name by the way !:smthumbup

Something I said a while back...spurred a write up of another poster breaking this down in this thread >> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/39526-five-cases-refusal-what-really-means-refused.html (I will copy & paste)... YOU sound like a CASE 2....read on.... 



> *Sawney Beane said:*
> Simply Amorous said in another thread, regarding the pain of sexual refusal:
> "...They should infact, allow their spouse freedom -if they know they are hurting them deeply. It will never be right in my view of marraige ...or at least a happy fullfilled one..."
> 
> ...


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. SA, please continue your scientific study and explanation of the case of partners withholding sex. Maybe eventually you'll stumble upon a TAM General Solution for Sexlessness, which will be beneficial to all parties involved, or at least to broaden our knowledge. *thumbs up!*


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

> . I realized suddenly and with great clarity: Sex wasn't something to be taken from me, it was mine to give.


I like this. It is a very succinct way of stating how I felt as well. Just thinking about that makes me happy and I kinda wish DH was here right now....LOL

I'm glad you posted GI and that your relationship with your husband has also improved.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> Nice Holland Glad you are the Judge here I would say you are way off base here but LOTL can take care of herself I just wanted her to know I got her back


They were genuine questions, haven't been back to the thread since so I will skim back to see if they were answered.
Not sure what your problem is?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I have been a TAM lurker for well over a year. And many times I have walked away from the computer in total disgust at what I've read from HD people, in their assumptions about LD's. All the times I've read that the LD's should just "give it up" and "get over it" and "bait and switch" and threats of divorce....it was infuriating.



I'm not sure if it would make you feel any better or any worse, but earlier when you said things like this:


LadyOfTheLake said:


> [my husband] came across to me like a petulant child pouting for candy.


 I also felt such a flashback of anger and disgust that I felt like walking away from my keyboard. I heard VERY similar statements from several ex-girlfriends and my wife earlier in our relationship (fortunately, she understands things much better now). I couldn't understand why their sex needs should override my needs each and every time, and mocking me for it just made it much more hurtful.

But please don't misunderstand, I very, very much appreciate your honest contributions in this thread.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Nice Holland Glad you are the Judge here I would say you are way off base here but LOTL can take care of herself I just wanted her to know I got her back


I have to agree with Holland, you are really overreacting. If you go back into the thread, you will see that LOTL admitted to using her charms to manipulate men into giving her what she wanted since she was 14. There was nothing "off base" about his question. And I say that as someone who greatly admires LOTL for sharing these things with us.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I'm not sure if it would make you feel any better or any worse, but earlier when you said things like this: I also felt such a flashback of anger and disgust that I felt like walking away from my keyboard. I heard VERY similar statements from several ex-girlfriends and my wife earlier in our relationship (fortunately, she understands things much better now). I couldn't understand why their sex needs should override my needs each and every time, and mocking me for it just made it much more hurtful.
> 
> But please don't misunderstand, I very, very much appreciate your honest contributions in this thread.


I was aware that my responses, my attitude, would likely trigger anger in frustrated HD spouses but was hoping that my honesty would temper some of that. I do want to get my story out there, at least the part that I feel able to share now, if it can help others. If it can help other LD's look at some of their internalized issues, great. If it can help HD's understand that an LD person isn't necessarily rejecting *them*, that it is the act of sex and all that comes with it, then that is wonderful.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I would argue that manipulating men for what she wanted is a different issue. However I will go back and read the comment in that context. What Page is it on ?

LTOL can you expand on that comment if it needs clarification ? 


But we can agree on our mutual admiration.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wow, must say, this thread is quite the eye opener. 

I do have a few questions though:
OP, when you didn't like sex, and you expected your husband to take care of his needs, why do you expect him to do that? He married and pledged himself to you! But you refuse to pledge yourself to him! He gave you his body, in return you gave him nothing.
And you expected him to stay faithful! 
Why? 
He is displaying a want. I understand it hurt you, but did you ever try to find a pace or position that didn't hurt you? Or did you just disregard him as anything but a roommate? 

This is almost a catch-22 situation. You pledge sexual fidelity to him. NOT a no-sex marriage, but SEXUAL FIDELITY. That does not mean telling him God gave him a right hand for a reason every time he wanted sex. 
I am surprised he never divorced you out of resentment. Hell, I am surprised he can still feel anything for you after how you treated him for so many years. 


And I got a hypothetical question:
Now, let's pretend this is back when you hated sex, and you would pick fights with your husband so you two would go to bed angry and not have sex. 
Well, let's say he comes home one day, and says he took care of it. Let's pretend he got himself castrated, and completely destroyed his sex drive, and can't get it back. Ever. Gone completely.
Would you have been happy then? Because hey, he will never bother you for sex again! Why? He wouldn't even be able to get hard! So you would be living in a wonderland. 
But fast forward to where we are now, would you still be happy? Or would you resent him because he can't do anything except talk to you? Or would you still be happy? Even now, with what your current views on sex are, would you be happy if he had done that to ultimately make you happy?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> I would argue that manipulating men for what she wanted is a different issue. However I will go back and read the comment in that context. What Page is it on ?
> 
> LTOL can you expand on that comment if it needs clarification ?
> 
> ...


I manipulated men because I could sense from early on that they wanted something from me. I developed, physically, early. I learned the game early. My mum said they were like "bees to a honey tree" around me. But me using them first, by being in control, was a defense. The only defense I had. I didn't have a dad. Because of him, and some other things that had happened to me, I already knew how horrible men could be. So I protected myself the only way I knew how. And that is how I got self esteem and ego, by having control over grown men. I also got myself into a lot of trouble.
I am still a flirt, I still have an easy time with men, especially since I am a popular angler and have a lot of male friends that I fish with. The big difference is now that I have boundaries and since I am married, I can easily put guys off. I do still tend to default back to my old ways at times, but my husband is aware of how I was and he and I are cool with enforcing boundaries together.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> With 10 yrs behind him near sexless (sexless is considered 10 or less times a year by sex therapists)... he fears grabbing hold of this Heaven to have it ripped from his grasp...
> 
> Much reassurance, flirting, teasing, playing with him...letting him know how much YOU desire him, and love him deeply...and oh MY.... for remaining that DECENT man...through his pain....because of his deep love FOR YOU/ his family ...when many would have fallen...or left.
> 
> ...



Thanks for your comments, SA. I am worried about undoing the damage of the past ten years, and I'm worried about my ability to "convince" him that I get it now. I read on other threads how men give up or move or or develop deep resentment and I wonder where he is, deep down inside. I don't want to hijack this thread, so perhaps I will open another to get HD spouses' thoughts on how gain his trust again. 

I think you are right about me being a case 2. My overwhelming reason for wanting to post my story was that someone else might read it and recognize their own LD spouse in me. Ten years is a long time to have a mostly incompatible sex life, but, as you can see, that doesn't mean there is not hope. 

I was going over all of this in my head this morning, and I realized that if my husband regularly refused to give me a hug when I reached for him, or asked him for one, that our relationship would become quickly intolerable; a sure sign that he harbored a deep dislike and resentment for me. I now have a suspicion that this is how my husband has been feeling, and I am very, very eager to do all I can to make up for it and turn it around. 

I applaud LOTL for starting this thread. The honesty in so many of the threads in this forum has been completely eye opening to me. I think it crucial that HD spouses remember that not all LD spouses are LD or became LD for the same reasons. I don't dislike sex; I never have. I don't think "LD" really describes me accurately--I just feel like I've not made myself and my libido a priority as I the stresses of life and parenthood accrued. I often wanted to have sex with my husband, but sex had become the elephant in the room and sometimes it was easier to deal with my desire in other ways rather than approach him. 

Although my reasons for becoming LD are so complex (and yet too mundane to enumerate here), I'm shocked, SHOCKED at how easily and suddenly I'm (hopefully) overcoming them. Nervous, but so excited and hopeful to soon be able to count myself as HD once again.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I'm shocked, SHOCKED at how easily and suddenly I'm (hopefully) overcoming them."

Many LD spouses whose HD spouses leave them or have an affair, also find out their sex drive can "magically" come back, full force or even more force than there ever existed before.

I'm just pointing this out because many LD spouses do not have a "reason" to double guess how they feel....until their spouse is walking out the door.

Getting It got her groove back by understanding this was a possibility in her life, too. Maybe not a direct hit like the spouse walking out the door...but her gut told her her H was slipping away.

These changes CAN BE valid and real and permanent changes.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

> I do have a few questions though:
> OP, when you didn't like sex, and you expected your husband to take care of his needs, why do you expect him to do that? He married and pledged himself to you! But you refuse to pledge yourself to him! He gave you his body, in return you gave him nothing.
> And you expected him to stay faithful!
> Why?
> He is displaying a want. I understand it hurt you, but did you ever try to find a pace or position that didn't hurt you? Or did you just disregard him as anything but a roommate?


I expected him to just stop wanting it. To just get over it. It wasn't necessary, I wasn't going to do it, he couldn't change my mind, so just stop. Wanting sex would do as much good as wanting the moon....it wasn't going to happen. Not easily, anyway. So just don't. It seemed perfectly rational in my mind. 
When I married, I was totally ignorant about how important sex is in a marriage. I thought it was optional. Something to do if you were lusty and young and hot. Old people, fat people, ugly people, just everyday normal people just didn't do it that much. During one of our fights early on in our marriage I told DH that had I know sex would be such a big deal, I would never have gotten married. 
We tried to find a way to do it that didn't hurt, but there really wasn't. Some positions hurt less than others, but I was not into experimenting. I was not enthusiastic at all. I did not want to do it. I felt stupid, I didn't know what to do or how to act and I was resentful for having to be in that position. It made me SO mad that he wanted to do it even though it hurt me so much. So for as much as he may have resented me for not putting out, I carried a lot of resentment towards him for hurting me, the one man in my life who had promised not to. 

I viewed him as more than a roommate. I loved him and we had a life together. We shared struggles as newlyweds and built our own identity, our own family. I was affectionate with him, and he with me, I just didn't ever want a kiss or a back rub to turn in to anything more. 



> And I got a hypothetical question:
> Now, let's pretend this is back when you hated sex, and you would pick fights with your husband so you two would go to bed angry and not have sex.
> Well, let's say he comes home one day, and says he took care of it. Let's pretend he got himself castrated, and completely destroyed his sex drive, and can't get it back. Ever. Gone completely.
> Would you have been happy then? Because hey, he will never bother you for sex again! Why? He wouldn't even be able to get hard! So you would be living in a wonderland.
> But fast forward to where we are now, would you still be happy? Or would you resent him because he can't do anything except talk to you? Or would you still be happy? Even now, with what your current views on sex are, would you be happy if he had done that to ultimately make you happy?


Back in one of my earlier posts, I said how I'd daydreamed of him developing ED and then sex would never be an issue for us again. Of course, now I know it would still have been. But had something like what you described happened, I never would have read the books or soul searched, or come to this forum. My views on male sexuality would not have changed. I would have been content with the status quo. If you've never had or wanted something, you don't miss it if it's not there, kwim?


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I am learning that God made our needs different. Men feel emotional connected through sexual contact. Remove sex with men and so many times we loose the connection we have with our spouse. We stay married and try to love but more often than not we find substitutes for that emotional connection. We work longer hours, get deeper involved in sports, coaching our kids, hunting or worse outlets like drinking or woman.

Many woman do not have the need for sex to feel connected to their spouse. They have a bigger need for connecting with each other through talking and feeling loved. They want holding hands and eye contact. The want knee to knee conversations and to be thought about when they are not around. The want a guy that can understand their needs and provide them without them being asked to do so. They want a man to see they are tired and offer to do the vaccum cleaning or wash the dishes in the sink. If a guy can do that it fills their love tank.


I am not sure woman understand that men feel very responsible for the families well being? Ladies do you understand your man will Die for you littererly ? He will put himself out there that much? Every man knows that if a ship in sinking that woman and children will go first us men we stay together to die so the woman and children can live. 

A Couples will hears a strange noise in the night and would a a man say," Honey go see what that noise is I am going to stay in the bedroom and lock the door?" No. Men will follow an Honor code. In a battle where a man is shot what is the code every guy is aware of? No man left behind. This code is known and not even talked about much. 

What I am trying to say is in a Marriage it is a connection between a man and a woman. The issue is we feel that connection in different ways. Neither way is wrong, it is just different. If I want my woman to feel connected I must meet her needs at her level which is not natural to me. Ladies if you want your husband to be connected to you. You willl need to meet his needs at his level which will probably be unnatural to you. 

Now, before all the exceptions come pouring out I do understand that there are many exceptions to such a broad statement. 


I have really enjoyed reading this thread and I love the fact that some ladies here are understanding there husbands needs maybe different than their needs but are agreeing to meet them.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I expected him to just stop wanting it. To just get over it. It wasn't necessary, I wasn't going to do it, he couldn't change my mind, so just stop. Wanting sex would do as much good as wanting the moon....it wasn't going to happen. Not easily, anyway. So just don't. It seemed perfectly rational in my mind.
> When I married, I was totally ignorant about how important sex is in a marriage. I thought it was optional. Something to do if you were lusty and young and hot. Old people, fat people, ugly people, just everyday normal people just didn't do it that much. During one of our fights early on in our marriage I told DH that had I know sex would be such a big deal, I would never have gotten married.
> We tried to find a way to do it that didn't hurt, but there really wasn't. Some positions hurt less than others, but I was not into experimenting. I was not enthusiastic at all. I did not want to do it. I felt stupid, I didn't know what to do or how to act and I was resentful for having to be in that position. It made me SO mad that he wanted to do it even though it hurt me so much. So for as much as he may have resented me for not putting out, I carried a lot of resentment towards him for hurting me, the one man in my life who had promised not to.
> 
> ...


I know you have been asked a lot of questions as a LD wife.

I was wondering do you appreciate the gift that you can decide to provide to your HD husband, even if it's not a huge need of yours to be filled?

That you can appreciate the feeling and value and pleasure you can add to your husbands life with this act?

Does it make you more fulfilled as a woman that you give your husband no reason to desire another?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> I know you have been asked a lot of questions as a LD wife.


I don't mind. I'm happy to help where I can.



> I was wondering do you appreciate the gift that you can decide to provide to your HD husband, even if it's not a huge need of yours to be filled?


I guess. I still don't see what the fuss is about with all the feelings and stuff, so I kind of just have to try to imagine it. But he is happy, and that makes me happy. I do enjoy pleasing him.



> That you can appreciate the feeling and value and pleasure you can add to your husbands life with this act?


No, I didn't really think about it. I just figured I was finally doing what I SHOULD have been doing and hoping to make up for lost time.



> Does it make you more fulfilled as a woman that you give your husband no reason to desire another?


No, not at all. I am sure he has desires for other women. All men look at women. He is not blind and I am not the only woman in the world. Any woman can do what I do, I just happen to be the one he's married to. It's not like I have extra body parts LOL.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I don't mind. I'm happy to help where I can.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, not at all. I am sure he has desires for other women. All men look at women. He is not blind and I am not the only woman in the world. Any woman can do what I do, I just happen to be the one he's married to. It's not like I have extra body parts LOL.[/QUOTE]

It makes him happy. He probably does things for you that he doesn't necessarily need that make you happy. You could feel good that he desires you more than the others.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GettingIt said:


> Thanks for your comments, SA. I am worried about undoing the damage of the past ten years, and I'm worried about my ability to "convince" him that I get it now. I read on other threads how men give up or move or or develop deep resentment and I wonder where he is, deep down inside. I don't want to hijack this thread, *so perhaps I will open another to get HD spouses' thoughts on how gain his trust again. *


 DO that.... For all the years you was that way....In my opinion... as I have a very small taste of this.. the regrets .... .You need to OUT DO yourself in coming into this ...embrace the sexual woman you are today, flaunt her before your husband...TAKE HIM... once you find that emotional Mountain, I'm going to say you'll never let go... Great memories will be built there & you will want to visit often. 

My story is plastered all over TAm.. even I learned my own husband was harboring a *silent resentment* towards ME... I cried...and cried...I threw myself on him wanting to be his everything... I went out of my way to make up for what I feel we missed.. of course this all came flowing out of me -like a raging river....how I was feeling.... 

My husband KNEW I was forever changed. (for us, it was never THAT bad, I always initatiated & we had sex at the very least once a week -or I'd chase him down... he was just very passive...about his own needs...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

I am wondering your age ? As a natural shift in your hormones will help you here tremendously...I know this was part of my wakening up ...Then I would get so angry at myself for not coming to this place sooner. As I feel it was always there - lurking. Like something was caged within me. (due to too much religious thinking, I felt certain acts were dirty)... I really feel more Older women need to talk to younger women about these things.. but would they listen, HEAR us ...believe us, seek it out - to inspire themselves to please their husbands ?? 



> I was going over all of this in my head this morning, *and I realized that if my husband regularly refused to give me a hug when I reached for him, or asked him for one, that our relationship would become quickly intolerable;* a sure sign that he harbored a deep dislike and resentment for me.


 The comparison is so very true ......we would feel withered, discarded, trampled under foot, this is how they feel. 



> I now have a suspicion that this is how my husband has been feeling, *and I am very, very eager to do all I can to make up for it and turn it around. *


 You being EAGER will save you both... There was another poster here Mary35... she rejeceted her husband for years..it wasn't until she was like 48 and got on Hormone Treatments for some wicked Peri menopause that she went NUTS for Sex ...and was in your shoes... and then her husband was slowing down. And needed his own Treatment, talk about a later start in life to come together [email protected]#$% These things just shouldn't BE. 



> I applaud LOTL for starting this thread. The honesty in so many of the threads in this forum has been completely eye opening to me. I think it crucial that HD spouses remember that not all LD spouses are LD or became LD for the same reasons.


 Since we are all being so honest here.. I think it takes a certain personality to deal with this side of pain on a daily basis... I bet all the husbands here are laid back... patient men.. ..very loving... 



> I don't dislike sex; I never have. I don't think "LD" really describes me accurately--I just feel like I've not made myself and my libido a priority as I the stresses of life and parenthood accrued. I often wanted to have sex with my husband, but sex had become the elephant in the room and sometimes it was easier to deal with my desire in other ways rather than approach him.


 So you both took to taking care of yourself ? In our crazy situation, he was thinking I was LD but I did masterbate in the middle of the night... he was so passive, I didnt think he'd want woke up... we missed each other badly - by not talking about sex. Biggest blunder of our marriage. 



> Although my reasons for becoming LD are so complex (and yet too mundane to enumerate here), I'm shocked, SHOCKED at how easily and suddenly I'm (hopefully) overcoming them. Nervous, but so excited and hopeful to soon be able to count myself as HD once again.


If you had this mid life hormonal shift, this would not surprise me AT ALL .... explained here >>



> *Balance the seesaw*. When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am wondering your age ? As a natural shift in your hormones will help you here tremendously...


I'm 43, he is 45.



SimplyAmorous said:


> So you both took to taking care of yourself ? In our crazy situation, he was thinking I was LD but I did masterbate in the middle of the night... he was so passive, I didnt think he'd want woke up... we missed each other badly - by not talking about sex. Biggest blunder of our marriage.
> 
> If you had this mid life hormonal shift, this would not surprise me AT ALL .... explained here >>


I've done that--masturbate while he's sleeping beside me. I will look up your story; it sounds like we've had some common experiences. 

My husband and I still had (great) sex a few times a month because I'd become ragingly HD for a few days around ovulation. That was enough for me, but it was killing him to only have sex on my terms. 

It's funny you mentioned a hormonal shift--I used to wish I could take a pill to make me horny all the time so I could be more compatible with my husband. Maybe I've found "the horny pill" via a natural hormone shift. But I sort of hope not. I sort of hope I've actually learned something as a human being and a wife and that I get the chance to use that new knowledge to make up to my husband a thousand times over. Hormones seem sort of like a cop out. (But I'll take 'em, if that's what indeed is causing the change in my desire!)


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I'm 43, he is 45.
> 
> Im also 43 and wow am I having a hormonal shift!
> 
> ...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

LoriC said:


> I do that still but now instead of sneaking it while he is sleeping, I will do it in front of him but only if I have a hard time with having an "O" during sex, he loves this. Says it turns him on.


I do that, too and yes my husband loves it. 



LoriC said:


> I never really considered myself LD but this year I would consider myself HD. Need it at LEAST 5 times a week now. The Hormone surge is incredible. I really have hit my peak. Hope it lasts a long long time


I hope it does, too. 

But, for me, I think, if it's hormones, I'm going to have some guilt. I denied my husbands physical (and emotional) needs for so long, who am I to suddenly expect him to satisfy my new found horniness? I don't know, it's complicated . . . I don't WANT to suffer like he did, but I want to have had a change of heart, a personal growth that I can use to help my husband and improve our marriage. It just seems that would be more fulfilling and worthwhile. Or does that sound selfish, too? 

I got to tell, you though, I'm beginning to wonder, since you are the second person to suggest a hormonal change to me. And I admit, I want my husband so bad right now I am sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if I want him for sex or just to hold him, but he's been out of town since yesterday morning and I'm dying I miss him so bad.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I do that, too and yes my husband loves it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No, I dont think it is selfish at all. 

I know what your are saying about wanting him so bad. I often feel that way. I work 2 hours from home so my day at work is very long. I think of him often during the day. We text eachother during the day and it can get nasty ;-) That will kind of hold me over until I can be with him again. I want him every night. I told him I hoped he could keep up with me and he said he would die trying, lol. So far he has not dissapointed me at all. I am 43 and he is 52. He hasnt slowed down at all...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Quote:
And I got a hypothetical question:
Now, let's pretend this is back when you hated sex, and you would pick fights with your husband so you two would go to bed angry and not have sex. 
Well, let's say he comes home one day, and says he took care of it. Let's pretend he got himself castrated, and completely destroyed his sex drive, and can't get it back. Ever. Gone completely.
Would you have been happy then? Because hey, he will never bother you for sex again! Why? He wouldn't even be able to get hard! So you would be living in a wonderland. 
But fast forward to where we are now, would you still be happy? Or would you resent him because he can't do anything except talk to you? Or would you still be happy? Even now, with what your current views on sex are, would you be happy if he had done that to ultimately make you happy? 


Holland maybe I am off base here But let's remember this is a confession as I am a former Catholic I can see she apears to have done her pennance would't you agree


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

???? Who the hell said anything about being Catholic??!!! I'm not!! Never have been. Never will be. 

I don't mind answering questions and I know there will be some anger directed at me. I'm ok with that. As you can see, I've kept my cool. My feelings are intact .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

LOTL not you being Catholic Me

Sorry I was not as clear on that as I should have been

I will edit my previous post to clear that up


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

LoriC said:


> No, I dont think it is selfish at all.
> 
> I know what your are saying about wanting him so bad. I often feel that way. I work 2 hours from home so my day at work is very long. I think of him often during the day. We text eachother during the day and it can get nasty ;-) That will kind of hold me over until I can be with him again. I want him every night. I told him I hoped he could keep up with me and he said he would die trying, lol. So far he has not dissapointed me at all. I am 43 and he is 52. He hasnt slowed down at all...


What it is is GUILT!

When my wife told me INILWYA its like my world flipped...I wanted to do ANYTHING to get things back to normal... Everyone wants a do-over.... life is not kind to do-over aspirations.

You are feeling the same exact feeling... its guilt.

Not hormones..guilt.

I no longer feel ANY guilt 3.5 years later. Yet things have not dramatically improved (in sex) either. I long ago made corrections and exhibited permanently changed behaviors.

You are striving to make things right... most of us have felt this. What you will soon realize though is you can't. You can NEVER go back to the way things were.

Sooner you learn that better off you'll be.
Enjoy life as it comes and learn from your mistakes.

All you sexless wife's have put you husbands through hell. Literal HELL on Earth.

I can assure you your husband during that time considered divorcing you.

*Every straight guy on the planet looks at marriage=regular sex with the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with* ... when YOU take it away you broke your vows to your husband.... and toyed with his manhood.

You all want to brush it under the rug...ain't happening.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What it is is GUILT!
> 
> When my wife told me INILWYA its like my world flipped...I wanted to do ANYTHING to get things back to normal... Everyone wants a do-over.... life is not kind to do-over aspirations.
> 
> ...


Your situation and your reality is not everyone else's. keep that in mind while you express your frustrations unto others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LoriC said:


> GettingIt said:
> 
> 
> > I'm 43, he is 45.
> ...


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What it is is GUILT!
> 
> When my wife told me INILWYA its like my world flipped...I wanted to do ANYTHING to get things back to normal... Everyone wants a do-over.... life is not kind to do-over aspirations.
> 
> ...


If it doesn't take the manhood it definitely shrinks it. How the hell is sexless and no intimacy with a female going to add to your masculinity? Add onto that razor sharp eyes, ballbreaking and henpecking?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> Your situation and your reality is not everyone else's. keep that in mind while you express your frustrations unto others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The underlined statement is *THE TRUTH* we didn't marry you for strictly your personality!
WE "thought" evidently very stupidly... we would be getting some regularly. That was one of the major reasons we married you.

That's the 10% we miss in sexless marriages.

The other 90% is the rest of you , family and shared finances.

So yes I speak for all straight husbands without a sexual/mental disorder

You withhold sex and you are not fulfilling your vows... you may be meeting 90% but that's it without sex.

SEX is the rest.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> The underlined statement is *THE TRUTH* we didn't marry you for strictly your personality!
> WE "thought" evidently very stupidly... we would be getting some regularly. That was one of the major reasons we married you.
> 
> That's the 10% we miss in sexless marriages.
> ...


I agree 100%. Without sex there is no marriage. Don't bother getting married if you're not going to hold up your end of the bargain.

To me sex= intimacy. It is how I stay connected emotionally to my H. It is how I stay in love with him. Sex is extremely important in a marriage I never knew how much so until now. The days of turning my husband down are over.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What it is is GUILT!
> 
> When my wife told me INILWYA its like my world flipped...I wanted to do ANYTHING to get things back to normal... Everyone wants a do-over.... life is not kind to do-over aspirations.
> 
> ...


I agree with a fulfilling sex life as being part of a happy marriage. What I don't agree with is your above statement and assuming you know what someone else is feeling. It's my own pet peeve with people but you are certainly entitled to your opinion.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

So hubs and I had a long talk late last night and I told him again about those sex starved years and how I really didn't understand. I told him that of all the times I turned him down, I never ever rejected HIM as a person. I was rejecting sex, and all I thought it represented. I apologized for the pain I'd caused him.
I told him about this thread and the eye opening statement I'd read here, about how sex was something I had to give, and not something to be taken from me. THAT really resonated with me and I really wanted him to understand that that is how I'd felt all those years. And that now I am ready and very willing to share that with him.
He is understandably unsure about the permanence of my change of heart, even though it's been like this for at least a year now. He says he is worried that things will go back to the way they were. I reassured him that now that I KNOW what sex is, what it means, I could never do that to him. I may be clueless at times, but I'm not cruel. He said he hasn't really been engaging because he didn't think this would last. He's been afraid that he would say or do, or suggest, something that would upset or offend me and I would turn off and things would go back to the way they were. I reassured him that there is no possibility of that now and that I WANT to know what he is thinking and what he desires. I WANT to please him and I WANT to make up for lost time as much as I possibly can. I DON'T want him to be afraid of me, afraid of my reactions, afraid of my temper. I'm not that reactionary, so I don't know why he is that way, unless he is just deeply sensitive about this issue. Which is likely the case. 
I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I WANT to please him and I WANT to make up for lost time as much as I possibly can. I DON'T want him to be afraid of me, afraid of my reactions, afraid of my temper. I'm not that reactionary, *so I don't know why he is that way, unless he is just deeply sensitive about this issue. Which is likely the case. *
> I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


 Absolutely .... deeply deeply sensitive... nothing could cut him deeper, he has already been sliced over & over & over again....he doesn't want to reopen these wounds after the healing has begun....

Another male poster here (on GettingIt's thread)... his wife finally "got it" after 20 some yrs (due to an upsurge in her hormones)....he's forgiven her .....opened himself to fully enjoying what is NOW......but he went on to say, now that she "gets it/ KNOWS what she has done, what it cost him.... if she EVER takes it back, turns a blind eye to his needs again... he's done, he will walk...it would be unforgivable... This is how deeply a man feels...and the hesitation to open that up- it carries a price with it for many)

Sounds you really WANT to do right by your husband in this post... A happy ending... Keep him singing your praises, never let this die . :smthumbup:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> ...I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


Well... you can start by ask _him_ .."how do you want to be healed? Tell me what can I do to heal your feelings.."

And... drill it into _your_ heart that you _DONT_ want to go back to withholding sex from him _ever_ ... you need to convince not just _him_, but more importantly _yourself_. You are a lady with strong will, so what _you_ want is more important to you than what others might say. Therefore, you better convince _yourself_ first before you even attempt to guarantee your husband that the era of withholding sex are over.

Hope you will be successful in your efforts!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> So hubs and I had a long talk late last night and I told him again about those sex starved years and how I really didn't understand. I told him that of all the times I turned him down, I never ever rejected HIM as a person. I was rejecting sex, and all I thought it represented. I apologized for the pain I'd caused him.
> I told him about this thread and the eye opening statement I'd read here, about how sex was something I had to give, and not something to be taken from me. THAT really resonated with me and I really wanted him to understand that that is how I'd felt all those years. And that now I am ready and very willing to share that with him.
> He is understandably unsure about the permanence of my change of heart, even though it's been like this for at least a year now. He says he is worried that things will go back to the way they were. I reassured him that now that I KNOW what sex is, what it means, I could never do that to him. I may be clueless at times, but I'm not cruel. He said he hasn't really been engaging because he didn't think this would last. He's been afraid that he would say or do, or suggest, something that would upset or offend me and I would turn off and things would go back to the way they were. I reassured him that there is no possibility of that now and that I WANT to know what he is thinking and what he desires. I WANT to please him and I WANT to make up for lost time as much as I possibly can. I DON'T want him to be afraid of me, afraid of my reactions, afraid of my temper. I'm not that reactionary, so I don't know why he is that way, unless he is just deeply sensitive about this issue. Which is likely the case.
> I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


Just being able to understand his viewpoint and taking responsibility for this portion of you guys relationship really blew him away. He's probably very happy just from the promise of correcting that portion of you guys relationship. I know many of us here would. If I heard it on the phone while at work and your "confession" was honest and from the heart, I would be kinda sad that you can finally understand, but I think that would be one of the best days of my life.

A million likes for your response. Have a blessed day.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> So hubs and I had a long talk late last night and I told him again about those sex starved years and how I really didn't understand. I told him that of all the times I turned him down, I never ever rejected HIM as a person. I was rejecting sex, and all I thought it represented. I apologized for the pain I'd caused him.
> I told him about this thread and the eye opening statement I'd read here, about how sex was something I had to give, and not something to be taken from me. THAT really resonated with me and I really wanted him to understand that that is how I'd felt all those years. And that now I am ready and very willing to share that with him.
> He is understandably unsure about the permanence of my change of heart, even though it's been like this for at least a year now. He says he is worried that things will go back to the way they were. I reassured him that now that I KNOW what sex is, what it means, I could never do that to him. I may be clueless at times, but I'm not cruel. He said he hasn't really been engaging because he didn't think this would last. He's been afraid that he would say or do, or suggest, something that would upset or offend me and I would turn off and things would go back to the way they were. I reassured him that there is no possibility of that now and that I WANT to know what he is thinking and what he desires. I WANT to please him and I WANT to make up for lost time as much as I possibly can. I DON'T want him to be afraid of me, afraid of my reactions, afraid of my temper. I'm not that reactionary, so I don't know why he is that way, unless he is just deeply sensitive about this issue. Which is likely the case.
> I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


I want you to pay attention to his change in emotional state, and sureness about himself as you add sex back into his life. It makes a such a big difference.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> So hubs and I had a long talk late last night and I told him again about those sex starved years and how I really didn't understand. I told him that of all the times I turned him down, I never ever rejected HIM as a person. I was rejecting sex, and all I thought it represented. I apologized for the pain I'd caused him.
> I told him about this thread and the eye opening statement I'd read here, about how sex was something I had to give, and not something to be taken from me. THAT really resonated with me and I really wanted him to understand that that is how I'd felt all those years. And that now I am ready and very willing to share that with him.
> He is understandably unsure about the permanence of my change of heart, even though it's been like this for at least a year now. He says he is worried that things will go back to the way they were. I reassured him that now that I KNOW what sex is, what it means, I could never do that to him. I may be clueless at times, but I'm not cruel. He said he hasn't really been engaging because he didn't think this would last. He's been afraid that he would say or do, or suggest, something that would upset or offend me and I would turn off and things would go back to the way they were. I reassured him that there is no possibility of that now and that I WANT to know what he is thinking and what he desires. I WANT to please him and I WANT to make up for lost time as much as I possibly can. I DON'T want him to be afraid of me, afraid of my reactions, afraid of my temper. I'm not that reactionary, so I don't know why he is that way, unless he is just deeply sensitive about this issue. Which is likely the case.
> I do want to make amends, and I will not stop trying to heal him. I can tell he is still frustrated and unsure. He is still worried that this will change back, despite me reassuring him that it won't. I don't know how long it will take to prove that I am in for the long haul, but I will do it. Somehow.


Ok so I am sending my wife over to you so you can have a sit down talk with her. I am not sure how the light bulb came on for you. Your husband is one lucky guy that you figured it out.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What it is is GUILT!
> 
> When my wife told me INILWYA its like my world flipped...I wanted to do ANYTHING to get things back to normal... Everyone wants a do-over.... life is not kind to do-over aspirations.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%, nothing hurts more than having the person you committed your life to deciding that sex is no longer necessary between you and that you are just going to have to accept it. Doesn't seem very fair especially when sex was a big part of how they attracted you to begin with.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> LoriC said:
> 
> 
> > Life feels better with it?
> ...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No, not at all. I am sure he has desires for other women. All men look at women. He is not blind and I am not the only woman in the world. Any woman can do what I do, I just happen to be the one he's married to. It's not like I have extra body parts LOL.


You really need to rethink this. It sounds like you have husband of high character. If correct, then it is wrong to say that anyone in the world can do what you do. He has pledged himself to you. Because of that, you are the only women he can do that with.

At best, quit letting him know this is your thought process. Belittling one of his needs is not a good idea.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Having been in a nearly sexless marriage for years for different reasons, I can tell you that now that our life’s have been given back to us. Due to our efforts to rebuilt our sexual relationship. 


The overall feeling of inner peace and complete wellbeing is extraordinary. It has not only had an impact on our love it has had positive effects on our health Stress is all but gone. Cholesterol levels are at an all-time low .Just plain pure happiness brought to us through intimacy. I need to pinch myself every day.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Having been in a early sexless marriage for years for different reasons, I can tell you that now that our life’s have been given back to us. Due to our efforts to rebuilt our sexual relationship.
> 
> 
> The overall feeling of inner peace and complete wellbeing is extraordinary. It has not only had an impact on our love it has had positive effects on our health Stress is all but gone. Cholesterol levels are at an all-time low .Just plain pure happiness brought to us through intimacy. I need to pinch myself every day.


I know exactly how you feel!


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