# Im getting the authentic her? (sex related)



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Just curious to see if anyone else has had to deal with this in their heads, because I'm trying to get past it.

Short story, been married 11 years and have 2 young kids. Wife had a 2-3 month EA and minor PA (no intercourse but messing around). D-Day was 6 months ago. Recovery is on track and the best I can imagine it could be.

During my discovery and questioning period, I uncovered various details about the PA activities. Some of this was details that she described (i asked), and some came from pictures that I recovered from her phone. 

The issue I have is that many of these things crossed the bounderies that she and I had somewhat established in our relationship. We had not discussed these boundries. It was just through time you know what someone is comfortable with. For example, I know that the pictures she sent him were much much more graphic than I would have, or will ever receive from her. We had even messed around with texting a little back and forth previous to the A. I always got fairly tame shots that I did like. But what I saw on the phone was on an entirely different level.

Also, some of the physical things. These were things that took place in simi-public areas (off limits in our relationship) and she seemed to be extra willing to do these things. I know that once togeather he initiated PA activities, but she was actually setting up the in person meetings knowing full well what was going to happen. In our sexual relationship she is not an instigator. As a matter of fact, she rated sexual satisfaction as the lowest need when we looked into our personal emotional needs (see we have been working on us a lot).

So like most of you, I'm left wondering where I come up short. What is it that I am lacking? I've been working on every aspect of this.... Family envolvement, making her feel loved, letting her know that she is my #1 priority in life above all else, working out like a maniac and getting is super good shape (this has been rather dramatic). I've basically been filling any void or gap that I have found in hope of being a better husband all around.

But I'm a guy.. so my head does turn to sexual related items from time to time. They are important to me. And now I feel like there is a void that I cannot fill. I know she was under the influence and excitment of the A, but come on.... We talked about it last night. I told her how I feel. I told her that I want to be whatever I need to be to make it exciting to her. She told me that she didn't know what to say. She then said that I get the "authentic her".

I know I need to be realistic about this. She did some of those things in order to keep the OM interested. But she also did some of them because she was filled with lust for him. I just need to come to terms with this all. And for a man, this is the biggest blow to the self esteame that I can imagine.

Has anyone else managed to work through these feelings?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Everything you bring to the table? Yeah she doesn't want that. That's what bed hopping IS. If she wanted the sex the way she has sex with you, she'd have sex with you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

No matter how hard you try, you can't make a person want you the way you want... it has to from them


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IT Guy...when she says you're getting the "authentic her" I think what she means is you get the real her... the real her in the way that you know her, that reality is with you, that her affair was a "fantasy" and "not real life." You are the one that is with her all the time and has been with her long and really know her in and out. 

As for her keeping him interested...yes, that's true but come on. He's a guy and prob just wanted sex. Anyone putting out would have done fine for him. 

I am sorry this has been a blow to you - all affairs are. Just keep talking to her openly and honestly about how you feel and what you need and want from her. Also, speak up about your needs.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

NZhappy and RunsLikeDog,

Its ok...no offence taken by that comment.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

NZHappy said:


> @Runs Like Dog - Sometimes your posts come across very bitter and angry. Just FYI. If you are trying to help the guy, you might want to give more thought to what you are posting and how you say it. Just my opinion.


Because frankly, it's a dumb question. Obviously the 'real her' was someone screwing other people. "Why did she do all those nasty things with them and not me?" I don't know, he should ask her that. 

The primary question is not why is her body so is much different sweating underneath those men compared to 'mine', the question is, how do I get to some mutually acceptable conclusion, her and I now, given this relationship. 

Let's say the absolutely impossible were to occur and my blushing bride ran off and had nasty greasy monkey sex with some loser or losers doing all the things she said or pretended to not want to do with me. I would not ask or care why she doesn't NOW do those things with me. In fact I doubt I would even ask for details and would never know. I wouldn't care what she really feels about it. I would ask "So what kept you around all those prior years - what do you get from that, do you still want it and how do we get there?" Does our future even involve sex at all?

If the answer is, "NO" or "I don't know" then the next thing you have to do, to overcome is not that sex question. It's everything else. 

Bitter? No just time is short.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Jellybeans,

Thanks, and yes we are talking. We had this very same conversation from about 12:30 - 2:00am this morning. Hate late night, but at least we are talking.

I just know this is something I need to get past. All of this crap is in my head. If I sit her and compare myself to him, I trump him in many many ways. He was truly after nothing but sex, and has some serious issues of his own. They would have never been able to have a sucessful relationship because he is not capable of having one.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'll throw in that his main concern was whether or not his junk was bigger than mine. What does that say about him?

and it wasn't.....and I let him know that....F&^k his ego...lol


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## Broken in Pieces (Jun 13, 2011)

Being the wife that cheated, let me tell you... it is nothing you can change on your own. It is the communication. My example ... I had phone sex with the OM twice during my affair, something my husband thought I thought was "gross". In reality I said it was gross thinking we were talking about doing it for money with strangers.

I read in one of the many books I have read lately that a person cheats not because they are not receiving enough, but because they are not giving enough. I totally believe this. I stopped trying to keep our sex life exciting. Became bored and complacient. Are you sure the semi-public thing is off limits? Obviously not for her. Have a conversation about what turns you each on. You may be surprised. Don't start with "what can I do" . Make her work for you dude. She obviously put the effort in with the OM.

I will tell you this. As strange as it may sound, the intimate moments we have had since D day (5+ weeks ago) have been some of the most exciting. I guess, speaking for myself, I have already lost everything, so I have nothing left except the here and now, so why hold back.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Broken In Pieces,

In general our sex life since D-Day has been phenomenal. Probably 4x more often and lots of new stuff. Nothing crazy, just better all around.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> If I sit her and compare myself to him, I trump him in many many ways. He was truly after nothing but sex, and has some serious issues of his own. They would have never been able to have a sucessful relationship because he is not capable of having one.


Totally normal. It's hard not to compare yourself to the OM/OW. Every betrayed person does this. I have no doubt either he only wanted sex. 

Affairs are fantasy. They aren't real life. There aren't bills to pay, arguing, knowing where the toothpaste is kept in the bathroom, summers, winters, vacations, tears, crying, laughter, household chores, lawn-keeping, knowing eachothers' favorite brand of deodorant, and that one same disagreement that you have all the time.

You are the one who knows what kind of clothes she sleeps in, what her favorite is, her mannerisms, what pisses her off, what makes her happy, what her favorite snack is, what shampoo she uses and what she packs for trips. 

Affairs aren't based in reality. You know the "real" her. He only knew a teensy part that wasn't real at all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're getting the real her. All the secrecy, fantasy, excitement of doing something taboo, and the adrenaline rush of the A, is what fueled her into doing the porno style sex. The nastier, more risque it was, the better in her foggy mind. I know that's incredibly hurtful, and I would be too, knowing my wife would do all the other things for the OM that she would never do for me. It just plain sucks. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Offtopic, but LordMayhem, your handle name on here reminds me of the AllState insurance "Mayhem" commercials. LOL.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Offtopic, but LordMayhem, your handle name on here reminds me of the AllState insurance "Mayhem" commercials. LOL.




Actually lordmayhem was a PiRCH32 chat script that I found and used when I used to chat on IRC many years ago. I thought it sounded cool, so I've been using it ever since.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

NZ Happy - man, how do you deal with that kind of graphic imagery? Did she tell you these things? I have to tip my cap to you sir, if I learned of those things I would never be able to recover. I wish you the best.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Good luck NZ.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife and I have talked about this a lot for the past couple days. I hate to say this....but this is another "issue" i may just have to drop and learn to deal with.

I'm never going to be as exciting as a new lover. And there is nothing I can fix. There is nothing I can do. This is just another ugly aspect of infidelity that I am left with to "live with".

Thank you OM and wife for having your hours of pleasure that will be on my mind for the rest of my life. I sure hope you enjoyed it. After all, it was at my expense and not yours.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sorry folks....vodka makes you feel better for a couple hours and then your mind catches back up with you 2 fold..... as if to make up for the time you just had off.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

5 weeks from D-day and I still won't touch a drop of alcohol yet. I don't trust myself on how I react should I suddenly get a burst of painful recaps.
It's safer that way for now


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I do ok with it...but sometimes it makes it worse. I'm not getting hammered though. That would be all kinds of bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey It---unfortunately---that is the legacy your wife has left you with---a sub-conscious that is gonna prey on you whenever you are alone

Have you asked your wife---what was so bad/wrong with our mge, that she had to turn to another, all the while destroying your soul, taking away your peice of mind, and your carefree attitude about your mge, cuz it is carefree until something like this happens

Was there much communication tween the 2 of you prior to her straying---did the 2 of you ever sit and discuss things seriously??

In all reality, what is there now in place, to keep her from doing this again----things in mge get boring, same old, tired---its the way mge is----so what is there to keep her from lusting again, when she sees some guy, or if allowed to continue to meet men on the computer, what, once again will keep her from a repeat performance, of destroying you a 2nd time, or third time??????


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

JNJ,

We did not talk seriously before. We talked...but not right (you know what I mean). We were in a cycle of pissing each other off. Even though we were not fighting out loud, we were in our minds. We were putting up walls. 

All that has changed now. We really are talking...really talking and both of us are making efforts to treat one another like we "need" to be treated.

I understand that all I can now do is be the best man I can be. If it does happen again at least I will be at peace with myself. I want to be as good as I can be also because I now understand that I need to give myself more to my marrige, and I want to be nothing but a positive example for my kids.

unfortunatly, I do not believe there is a way I can ever be 100% sure she would not just run off with some hot guy whenever things get old and boring between us. She has proven to me that she has the ability to cheat. And that is something that you cannot take back. I know its a lost cause and I cannot change that.

Whats the most difficult is fixing me. I want to get "care-free" back. 99% of the problems I face now are in my mind. It is the way I perceive myself, and the fact that I let this scare me.

I said this to her last night.... We all drive cars every day right? Well, I don't get scared every time I drive a car, that I'm going to get into a wreck. I just dont think about it or worry about it. I know that it could happen, but I'm comfortable driving....Now I need to be comfortable married. 

gotta get there somehow....


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I said this to her last night.... We all drive cars every day right? Well, I don't get scared every time I drive a car, that I'm going to get into a wreck. I just dont think about it or worry about it. I know that it could happen, but I'm comfortable driving....Now I need to be comfortable married.
> 
> gotta get there somehow....


That is tough. As someone told me recently, you need to "detach" from those thoughts. I am struggling with them as well. Hang in there.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"@Runs Like Dog - Sometimes your posts come across very bitter and angry. Just FYI. If you are trying to help the guy, you might want to give more thought to what you are posting and how you say it. Just my opinion."- I actually prefer the honest to God truth, no matter how blunt- I don't like the sugar-coated stuff... It insults the little intelligence I have. 

Honestly, I don't think you'll ever get over her behavior. If she does this with others, but not with you, then something is wrong. I know the excitement of a "new" love might stimulate her sexuality, but if she's not displaying one iota of it with you, then you have to question her attraction toward you. As a fellow guy, it has to be ME that turns my wife on, and not some random guy she meets... ya know what I mean. The "phenomenal" sex you are experiencing is the hysterical bonding aspect. I don't know, but for me it doesn't work because I equate it to somewhat of a mercy **** of sorts- doing it out of pity for my feeling and benefit... feels a little fake to me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't mean to be insulting, sorry. But the thing is, this is like triage. People come here I think are desperate. We all of us here are grown ups and passed the point of handholding. 

I will keep it in mind.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Guys, I'm really ok with everything that has been said here. I'm not offended easily.

We come here to ask questions and vent because we just cant talk to our friends and family about this crap. I'm 34yo and you know who I would like to get some advice from? My dad.. There are friends and family that I respect, and would love nothing more than to get a little support and guidence from. But this is pretty much reality. I have no real reason to expose my wife on this. After all, the affair is over. Exposing her just to talk to any of these people would just leave them judging her (and me) for the rest of our lives.

Thats the good thing about this forum. Just a bunch of people (other guys included) going through the same crap.

Even though I tend to come here less and less, I really appreciate the advice I have received and the opportunity to vent at times.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

i have been reading a lot about the realities couples are faced with after the affair has been put to rest and try to recovery, the best they can. Time will help to fade the actual pain of the affair,but what scares me the most is the future. The future fights, the further disappointment, the future disagreement,the future misunderstanding, call it what you wish will always return to the affair,and deep set hurt.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> i have been reading a lot about the realities couples are faced with after the affair has been put to rest and try to recovery, the best they can. Time will help to fade the actual pain of the affair,but what scares me the most is the future. The future fights, the further disappointment, the future disagreement,the future misunderstanding, call it what you wish will always return to the affair,and deep set hurt.


You raise a greast point sammy that I'm of mixed emotion about as I continue to consider R... can there be a "fair" fight, ever, in the future if a couple stays together after an A? Won't there always be that hammer to drop that sort of ends any further discussion about anything?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think it has to be fair guys. I think both we and our wives should not use this against each other in the future. I know I'm going to try to be very carful about this because I believe constantly bringing it up will push her away of have her start building walls.

I also need to not ever put up walls.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i read somewhere, that the way to approach the affair when you reconcille is to think of it not as "your problem", but as "our problem"


i would think that would put things on equal footing and change the approach as a team thing rather than putting the burden on one person.

that said the adulterer should take sole responsibility for actions OF the affair, and once that is established and remorse is as well then fixing the marriage as a team can commence..but thats just my opinion


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Great counsel guys. Makes sense, I just don't know that I can get there... perhaps sheds some light on some of my issues with getting into full-on R. thx


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

So far I have taken on my part of the affair. To say I'm a different person is an understatement. During my time of reflection (better known as 1st week post D-Day with a gun in my mouth) I took a big step back and looked at my life, and how my actions contributed to the affair. I am aware that the affair was not my fault, but I may as well have set it up for them.

I feel like I have changed everything about myself at this point.

My wife has also made changes. She has changed in all the ways that I have been needed. I also believe that she has taken on herself to resolve the issues that made it easy for her to stray. She is also meeting my emotional needs as best she can. Just like me....she had not been giving enough to the relationship.

So we have both been working on this. The affair is an "us" issue and we should not be throwing it at one another.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

it-guy, for what its worth, I know the pain and feelings that go along with having known your wife was with other men in ways you never thought you could get her to with you except in your darkest fantasy.

Mine I found out went with ****ty lingerie (naughty nurse), has had two or more men (different occasions, I hope/think - both were black, in case that makes any difference, I know it did for my wife cause she was obsessed with black men) with the first one it was just straight sex, for hours on end, possiby multiple times that night but no cuddling or intimacy after the acts (I also asked about size of unit for whatever reason my tainted mind was thinking and was told that it was shorter but much thicker and rock hard ready to go all night).

For the second one, or maybe it was still the first the details are all too complicated at this point it was actually an entire weekend while I was at home recovering from surgery and our child had to be left with various people we know because I couldn't really take care of him, I found evidence of fabric fashined into restraints and so she probably let him tie her up. This was more than just pure PA, I think my wife wants to make it a relationship with him... she was out there again last weekend and she has everyone here fooled into thinking she was somewhere else so they didn't catch on it was for sex booty call.

I found out she also re-initiated contact with the first one after cutting it off when I first met (she told him that she "tried working on it" with me but we couldn't make it work - which is flagrantly false), so this past weekend I don't know which one she was with, or both, or neither, or someone new etc.

It tears me up thinking about this all, and I just can't stop sometimes. I can get my mind on other things, but the saying is what has been seen can never been unseen. It will always be there and the more I think about it the more ingrained it gets into our consciousness. A big part of me wants to replace it with my own version of the porn starring me and some sexy woman, but for men like me its really easy to fanstasize about but not make happen for real, even if really did want that, and I do, but know that it wouldn't help and would make me feel guilty - it has to be with someone I love and trust, you know like my wife before she had an affair (even though it wasn't happening).


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

wow It-guy, I am no where near as you !


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sammy3, I'm not following....what do you mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Lon, that's all kinds of messed up.

This stuff sure does mess with your head doesn't it? Its a shame that these PAs are not based on typical boundries that we have become comfortable with. After all....the OM does not have to live with her. And he's not too worried about offending her. He can ask for whatever kind of crap he wants without restraint. Does that mean that I should be asking for more sexually from my wife? I don't think so. I think he was overly agressive and making her uncomfortable at times.

Example... like the pics I was talking about. We will send tame mess back and forth...like me in nothing but boxer briefs after a workout...or her in the sexy panties she is going to wear that day. Sometimes a boob may appear. But that's about it.  With him he was pretty convincing that she should send him more. And he was also pretty quick to send pics of his junk to her. So after basically begging and convincing her that she will feel good after hitting "send". She goes all out for him.....and I mean all out.

But like I said he was pushing it. And he did put her outside her comfort zone. I would never push her like that. And do not want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

I'm going to agree with findingmyway. 

I get these thoughts very similar to yours. But there is the adrenaline rush as well as basic availibilty. If they have no where to go, then that's where they do it. 
In my wifes case she said they went to his house twice. Afterwork. The thing is our babysitter, her aunt, is on a very strict time schedule, so afterwork stuff is extremely limited. So where's that leave them, their one hour lunch break. Can't go to far so that did what they had to do. My wife says they didn't do that stuff, but I know better. 

That said, it can't compare to a warm loving comfortable bed. With time on your side to really enjoy the moments. 

It's no consolation prize because the thought of our wives being a freak is both disgusting and a slight turn on too and I only say that because there's that side we all have probably wanted to bring out in our wives and somebody else got to. Then again they only get a fraction and we get the whole thing. So there's that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"a slight turn on too"- Sorry, but I'm no cuckold elph. Unless she's doing it for ME, I'm totally disgusted by it. 

it-guy:"I think he was overly agressive and making her uncomfortable at times."- Then why did she go along with it. She seems kinda "freaky" to me, just not with you. I know its hard to accept, but it is what it is.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

What I mean it-guy, how some of "us" BS have the ability to forgive easier,& where some of "us" don't. I am definitely seeing through this site that all men aren't PIGS .


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

^So the ones that don't forgive are PIGS?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I don't think you will find many pigs on this site because the guys here all seem to care. My definition of a pig would be a guy that is only interested in self satisfaction, and would just toss a WS to the side and not think much of it.

That being said, there are guys on this site that tossed their WS to the side. The difference is that they do care....they are just doing what they have to do to be happy. I'll use Ahhhmaaaan as an example. While he has taken a rather hard line and decided to move out without showing much visable compassion towards his WS, he obvoiusly does care about her feelings. And he is hurt by what she did. Not piggish at all.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I was thinking about one thing for the ladies on this forum. Some of you may be reading me ranting on and on about sex, and think that most guys only care about that one thing.

I think what this boils down too is a difference between most men and womens heads.

As a man (and we are all a little different), sex is very important. It is way up on my list of emotional needs. I need to feel like I am getting the best out of her, and I need to feel like she gets it best from me. Because this is so important to me, I feel like somewhat of a failure if some other guy is bringing more out in her than I do. I also tend to "falsley" judge how our relationship is doing based on the sex.

For my wife, sex is not a primary emotional need. It has its place, but it is way back on the list. For her, family involvement, and me simply paying attention to her, takes a much higher priority. So basically she does not care as much about sex and it has absolutly nothing to do with the state of our relationship. She would rather see me playing with the kids and going to lots of birthday parties for our nieces and nephews. 

With the OM it was different. He could not provide her with security, stability, or family involvement. He could however smother her with attention and kindness....loads and loads of it in his pursuit of getting into her pants. And she knew that in order to keep those good feelings she was having she was going to need to give him what he was after. Fair trade huh?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I believe what sammy was referring to in her statement is that not all men cheat, therefore they are not pigs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I would say most men would/could cheat. I'm betting the majority of guys on this site would not / could not cheat. That explains why we are hurting so bad that we reach out to a support group.

I don't believe I ever had the capacity to cheat (and yes I had at least one good opportunity that I turned down). But after going through this hurt I KNOW that I never could. As a matter of fact I don't think I could stomach having a friend that cheats on his wife or girlfriend.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I DO CARE it-guy... believe me, I do. Its just that I hate to see people taken advantage-of. Your a good guy that wants his marriage to work, and is obviously doing everything in you power to realize this. But you have doubts, right? Why HIM, and not me. That would eat at me every second of the day. You obviously have a better handle on this than I do, and its commendable- You're one of the few that can make it work. Stay strong my friend.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

no, the ones who cheat are.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Pigs!!!


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

I'm no cuckold. I'm defiantly not turned on by my wife doing anything with anybody else. It's more jus. Knowing that the wife has a freaky side in general. The turn on is bringing that out and in some regard having the power to do so. 
But because our wives act so out of character withother men,we wonder what's real. And as well, if you reconcile there's the question of can you bring that out, without it triggering something. There's no point in denying that that side of the personality exsists, but theresgot to be a way of integrating that with the person you know and love
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I would say most men would/could cheat. I'm betting the majority of guys on this site would not / could not cheat. That explains why we are hurting so bad that we reach out to a support group.
> 
> I don't believe I ever had the capacity to cheat (and yes I had at least one good opportunity that I turned down). But after going through this hurt I KNOW that I never could. As a matter of fact I don't think I could stomach having a friend that cheats on his wife or girlfriend.


it-guy, most of us males on here probably have somewhat similar stories and feel the same way, at least that is the trend I am seeing... I too am very angry now when I hear songs about cheating, other people talking about it etc. While doing "reconnaisance" on my wife's phone found a text conversation with a friend of hers that has also been cheating (I don't know if shes married or just dating the guy) and I could tell they were getting all giddy discussing the details feeling the thrill and excitement. OMG does that ever boil my blood, and likely is the reason that I will never be able to reconcile, even down the road, because even if she does come to regret her actions and realize what she walked out on, and see my progress during my 180 and want it back - all things that I would probably be willing to work with, the fact that she can view monogamous relationships with such worthlessness makes me believe she's not marriage material no matter how good her spouse may be.


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## LoveFightDie (Jun 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Totally normal. It's hard not to compare yourself to the OM/OW. Every betrayed person does this. I have no doubt either he only wanted sex.
> 
> Affairs are fantasy. They aren't real life. There aren't bills to pay, arguing, knowing where the toothpaste is kept in the bathroom, summers, winters, vacations, tears, crying, laughter, household chores, lawn-keeping, knowing eachothers' favorite brand of deodorant, and that one same disagreement that you have all the time.
> 
> ...


This helps me so much, jellybeans.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

elph,

I think I understand what you mean about being turned on and disgusted at the same time. You never want to see or picture your spouse doing those things with someone else, but you are a little turned on at the possibility of her doing it...and with you.

Example....Those pics I saw turned me on. To this day they are the hottest pics I have probably ever seen (and yes I do look at porn from time to time). After all... they were of my wifes naughty bits. But at the same time I had the feeling of being crushed when I found them as well because they were not taken for me.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

findingmyway said:


> Reflecting back on my actions now, is not a pleasant task.


How are you getting on with it?
Is the face in the mirror changing in a way you would like?

Regards N-B


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Example....Those pics I saw turned me on. To this day they are the hottest pics I have probably ever seen (and yes I do look at porn from time to time). After all... they were of my wifes naughty bits. But at the same time I had the feeling of being crushed when I found them as well because they were not taken for me.


Yep, +1, I too was simultaneously aroused and disgusted when I saw my wife's photos. I don't feel ashamed of the huge torrent of feelings either - I'm allowed to feel whatever damn well I want of my wife's nudie pics she's sharing with other men.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> I'm allowed to feel whatever damn well I want of my wife's nudie pics she's sharing with other men.


too f*****/ right :iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow. I really have no idea how I would have reacted if my wife had sent raunchy nudie pics to the OM. On the one hand I would be turned on, but on the other I would be disgusted because it was for HIM and that she would never do that for me. I've investigated thoroughly, and we only have 1 digital camera and all pictures are accounted for. I've checked her Blackberry, but that doesn't mean anything of course. She could have easily santized her phone. I guess I'll have to live with the fact that I'll never know. 

Is sexting and sending nudie pics that common in affairs nowadays? I ask this because my WW and OM mostly talked on the phone, international texting would easily become apparent on the bill. She claims they didn't have phone sex, but I would never discount that. At the height of the EA, they talked for 3,511 minutes in just one month. What the hell do you have to talk about for 3,511 minutes? The weather?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lordmayhem, I really have no clue what is common in affairs/dating/relationships nowadays - I didn't even have a clue what was common during the dating years my first time either. All I know is I've come to cringe at the mention of "blackberry messenger".


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

lordmayhem, I would say if they talked for 3511 minutes they did not have much time for texting. Thats like 2 hours per day for a month.

Yes this is all a big bag of mixed emotions. I cant wait to get the care free comfort back.

I will update that we continue to be on a track of improvement. I posted this thread when I was really having issues with this topic. I believe the opportunity to vent and getting some feedback is quite helpful.


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