# Infidelity suspicion task list for newbies



## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Ok, I'm noticing many new people coming to this section after having just found out about infidelity (or having suspicion). I made mistakes when I first found out. Those mistakes have landed me in emotional purgatory. So, here's a "to do" list to ensure you don't end up where I am. Boy I wish I knew these things when I first found out.

1. Do not discuss your suspicious or your finding with your spouse.
2. Gather evidence. Install a keylogger, sms tracker, use a VAR or GPS and wait.
3. Look at your bank records. Identify questionable charges. Many online adult sites bill under names that include the word "media". Also look for paypal transactions and transactions from gwallet and ccbill. gwallet and ccbill are services like paypal that work with adult sites to process charges.
4. If you have access to your spouse's computer look for browsing history. Most WS will delete browsing history. In which case you can look at the last ten opened tabs. You can also look under cookie files, which records cookies based on internet searches. Many WS forget to delete cookie files.
5. Look for evidence of other email accounts or aliases.
6. Search sites that allow chat (FB, Skype, etc...).
7. Look in his email contacts. I found escorts in my H's contacts because it was one area he forgot to delete.
8. Leave no trace that you have been looking.
9. Stay silent and do your best not to seem distracted or upset.
10. Continue this for a two month period to get a complete picture of what you are dealing with.
11. Print out evidence and make copies.
12. Confront your spouse. Tell them you know what they have done. You may give them an opportunity to confess. 99% chance they wont until they know what you have on them. Give them one piece of irrefutable evidence and tell them you have much more. Then end the discussion. Their response will tell you if there is a shot at reconciliation. If they are fully transparent to the degree of the evidence you found you can consider it remorseful and they may be a chance to save the marriage. If they lie or only admit to what you show them and nothing more, they are not remorseful and your chances of reconciliation are slim.
13. Do not let your spouse push emotional buttons. That is their best weapon. Take it away from them!

Good luck and I'm so sorry if any of this applies to you. Stay strong. Stay empowered. Don't cave! Don't get stuck in emotional purgatory like me.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> Ok, I'm noticing many new people coming to this section after having just found out about infidelity (or having suspicion). I made mistakes when I first found out. Those mistakes have landed me in emotional purgatory. So, here's a "to do" list to ensure you don't end up where I am. Boy I wish I knew these things when I first found out.
> 
> 1. Do not discuss your suspicious or your finding with your spouse.
> 2. Gather evidence. Install a keylogger, sms tracker, use a VAR or GPS and wait.
> ...


Wish I'd seen this when I first arrived.......Not that everything applies to everyone, but at the very least you need time to gather info regardless of what you suspect!


----------



## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Great post and really valuable info for those who are in spy mode. I wish I would of thought to come here before confronting. Live and learn! Thanks for taking the time to detail this out for future WS's.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I learned to spy after my husbands last affair and I will continue to do so.

When someone's attitude changes toward you overnight you know something is up.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

whataboutthis? said:


> Ok, I'm noticing many new people coming to this section after having just found out about infidelity (or having suspicion). I made mistakes when I first found out. Those mistakes have landed me in emotional purgatory. So, here's a "to do" list to ensure you don't end up where I am. Boy I wish I knew these things when I first found out.
> 
> 1. Do not discuss your suspicious or your finding with your spouse.
> 2. Gather evidence. Install a keylogger, sms tracker, use a VAR or GPS and wait.
> ...


Two months is wayyyy too long. It depends on the situation but If I had waited two months in my situation I would have watched my wife's EA turned PA. The timeline for each affair is going to be different. I gathered evidence and had everything I needed to confront in less than 7 days. 

Phone records lead me to suspicious numbers number lead me to names name lead me to facebook. Accessing my wife's emails lead me to see there was nothing there. The only thing I didn't have was the text messages which was only because my wife didn't know how to sync her phone if she had I would be happier. It is up to the BS to decide when enough is enough. Gather evidence til you feel you have everything you need to confront. Make copies of all findings and demand access to all forms of communication. The confrontation is still pretty much gathering evidence you are trying to figure out anything and everything else you can. Don't reveal what you know and make him/her reveal everything. Leave no stone unturned and remember don't believe a word she or he says even if they say they only did it ten times there's always more. When confronting try to secure the WS laptop, cell phone, and all other forms of communication. If they choose not to give anything up then hand them divorce papers. You have to make sure they have no control , and no place to hide or run.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

The Cell records can leave a definite trail of deceit. However, now with anonymous texting apps there is no paper trail so be careful. As far as cheaters deleting browser history, that is so true. If you wife is closing pages as soon as you enter the room, don't jump in and ask "what are you looking at?". Next time your on the computer make sure it's set to not erase browser history on exit. When she gets up get immediately and see where she has been. 

Something that I should of done but didn't think about... Keep a daily log on mileage from her car. My wife would pretend to go shopping for a few hours and drive 150 miles round trip to meet her AP for sex. 

In all however... the VAR is the best high tech/low tech approach. The cheaters want to hear each other as much as possible (voice). The only really safe place is in the car. In reality 5 minutes of VAR could of saved me from years of lies, betrayal, deceit, hurt.


----------



## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

badbane said:


> Two months is wayyyy too long. It depends on the situation but If I had waited two months in my situation I would have watched my wife's EA turned PA. The timeline for each affair is going to be different. I gathered evidence and had everything I needed to confront in less than 7 days.
> 
> Phone records lead me to suspicious numbers number lead me to names name lead me to facebook. Accessing my wife's emails lead me to see there was nothing there. The only thing I didn't have was the text messages which was only because my wife didn't know how to sync her phone if she had I would be happier. It is up to the BS to decide when enough is enough. Gather evidence til you feel you have everything you need to confront. Make copies of all findings and demand access to all forms of communication. The confrontation is still pretty much gathering evidence you are trying to figure out anything and everything else you can. Don't reveal what you know and make him/her reveal everything. Leave no stone unturned and remember don't believe a word she or he says even if they say they only did it ten times there's always more. When confronting try to secure the WS laptop, cell phone, and all other forms of communication. If they choose not to give anything up then hand them divorce papers. You have to make sure they have no control , and no place to hide or run.


True, two months may be too long. It is a case by case scenario. I said that just to make sure that one catches everything. But I was dealing with a serial cheater not a specific relationship. I gathered evidence for only two weeks and it was not enough. Again, case by case.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I think the phone should be number 1 on that list. Checking text and phone records, getting physical access to it if possible.

It seems to be common to nearly every case I've read on here and it was the biggest red flag that I totally missed with my wife's affair.

Had I read just 1 post on this board I would have realised what she was up to when she changed her phone company so I could no longer see the bills. 

Also, a VAR for a week in the car would be enough to catch a lot of affairs too.


----------

