# Would you ever not tell hubby someone is an ex?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Does your husband know that all the men in your life (work, social circles) who you were once in a relationship with are ex's? Or do you not tell him that Joe Smith in accounting is someone you dated? Do you ever tell him that men you dated are only just friends and were always just friends?


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Controversial! 

Must be a few guilty consciences preventing the 52 viewers from posting


----------



## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

Yep, my husband knows every single guy I dated or was engaged to before him. I don't know if he expects me to point them out to him if I saw them, but I would do it out of respect to him.

My question really is why hide? I want my husband to respect me, so I don't hide anything from him. That includes those people I dated before. He also wants me to respect him, so he lets me know the same information about his past.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

We came from a smallish town and went to the same school, although I did not know H until after school. As he was only a grade above me, he does know the couple of boys I dated/had a crush on prior to meeting him. Since we met when I was 17 there was not that many..


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I personally don't come into contact with any exes except for one. His kids went to the same school as my youngest for a year, her last year in that school. Although my H knows about this ex, I honestly can't remember if I told him I ran into him at back to school night... Doesn't matter anyway in my case. But I guess if I worked with him, it would be pretty important to tell my H that I am working with a man I once dated, over 30 years ago...which would be a colossal PIA because every time I would go out for happy hour with the work gang, I know he'd at least wonder if the ex was part of that gang... What an awful situation! For both of us!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Controversial!
> 
> Must be a few guilty consciences preventing the 52 viewers from posting


Well, the way the first sentence is worded DOES make it seem like "damned if you do, damned if you don't"...



ntamph said:


> *Does your husband know that all the men in your life (work, social circles) who you were once in a relationship with are ex's?* Or do you not tell him that Joe Smith in accounting is someone you dated? Do you ever tell him that men you dated are only just friends and were always just friends?


They aren't ALL exes. Not sure if you mean "Does your husband know who all you have been in relationships with?" rather than "does your husband know that every man in [this circle] is an ex?"... But, assuming you mean the former... my husband knows all of it, my whole history. I feel no reason to hide any of it from him. One ex even went to our wedding reception.... he is my cousin's husband. Again, not something that has ever been hidden from him. Not like it could be even if we wanted to, considering ALL the family knows. But, yes, he knows the names of all exes, and how long I dated them, even if it was only a few weeks.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Speaking as a man, I would not want/need to know all of them, no. However, I would prefer not to be lied to, either. I don't believe there is any reason to tell your husband(s) about everybody you once dated, but at the same time, I certainly wouldn't hide and/or lie about any of them that they could potentially ever find out about. That's where I make the distinction between "don't care" and "would like to know". It's more out of respect, than anything.

However, if you are in constant contact with any of them, then yes, it's preferable that you let your husband know.

In my case, I was never concerned with my gf (now wife) being around any exes, as long as I knew, and I was comfortable that they weren't still interested in the slightest. I've trusted her to tell me (without me ever asking her to do so, but I believe she would), however I have on several occasions met some people from her past life or old circle of friends, who I've straight up asked her afterwards if she ever dated them. I was probably being a little over protective, but a few guys I've met just struck me the wrong way, or it appeared that they COULD have dated or whatever at some point. She said no about all of them, and I believed her. However, if she had said that she had dated one, or all of them, it wouldn't have bothered me. These were not people she was still in regular contact with (ie. at all), or hadn't seen in years. I wouldn't have expected her to tell me about somebody like that.

But if I found out she and Joe Blow dated way back when, and this guy was a regular, or even semi-regular, part of her life, then yes, I'd be pissed.

Best to give the old man a heads up if it's not something you want coming out several years later accidentally, or from another source. But if you haven't seen some guy in years, and you bump into him, then your husband didn't need to know that until that point in time. Let him know during, or immediately after, you've bumped into this guy if your husband is there, with you. But if he isn't somebody you hang out with, is part of your social circle, you work with, whatever, then no need to tell him.

The only exes I've ever been interested in about my wife are the ones that were serious. If she dated some dude for 2 months back when she was 22, I could care less. If we bump into that guy, then she can let me know at that point, but until that happens, it's useless information imo.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

My wife let me know know she had a very intimate relationship with one guy before we met. She did not let me know who it was so I took that as someone I did not know. After we were married I found out it was a good friend of mine. 

This has caused a great deal of turmoil our entire marriage for a myriad of reasons. I do not believe it is necessary to divulge everything but I do believe it absolutely necessary to divulge obvious things.


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ntamph said:


> Does your husband know that all the men in your life (work, social circles) who you were once in a relationship with are ex's? Or do you not tell him that Joe Smith in accounting is someone you dated? Do you ever tell him that men you dated are only just friends and were always just friends?


Ahh yes, the boy in my life before my DH was an eighth grader......What is your point? Do you have a history that your DH doesn't know about?? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In the case of dating someone I still currently worked with (I think that is what your question is about), if I only dated someone once or twice and didn't even kiss them, I wouldn't tell my husband about "dating" that person. But if I was still working with someone I had really dated for awhile and had kissed, I would tell my husband about it (when we were still just dating).


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I've been with my husband for so long, (since the summer after high school graduation), that there really isn't anyone to tell him about. I'm not in touch with any guys I dated before him.


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I've been with my husband for so long, (since the summer after high school graduation), that there really isn't anyone to tell him about. I'm not in touch with any guys I dated before him.


Me too!!! I think it's really a blessing that when I think about a man of my past it's HIM that I can only think about!!:smthumbup:


----------



## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

RClawson said:


> My wife let me know know she had a very intimate relationship with one guy before we met. She did not let me know who it was so I took that as someone I did not know. After we were married I found out it was a good friend of mine.
> 
> This has caused a great deal of turmoil our entire marriage for a myriad of reasons. I do not believe it is necessary to divulge everything but I do believe it absolutely necessary to divulge obvious things.


God that sucks.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He knows about my past relationships and I know his, but we've never encountered any of our ex partners. If we had to interact with one of mine, I'd let him know. If I didn't explain how I knew the person, I'd have to lie, and that just seems pointless unless a person is planning to do something they know would hurt/anger their partner.

Curious as to why you're asking though... Is it you or your partner who is hiding a few things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The only one I come into contact with is my first husband.DH knows about him.

The others don't get discussed because they're a non issue.I never really had LTR with anyone else and even I can't remember half the people I went on dates with at one time or another.they simply weren't memorable and if I ran into them on the street I wouldn't know them most likely.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think husband or wife should know especially if an ex is in a social circle or workplace environment.
I don't really care about my w exes unless she felt something bad about her relationship or herself.
If we were to encounter one, I would absolutely need to know.

Otherwise, he would have insight that I would not. 
My wife is aware of my exes as well. Some she doesn't know about, but if I ran across one, she would know immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good topic.

I have no problems telling someone I'm with that someone is an ex. Thing is, I do not cross paths with very many of my exes (in act, I don't even have a lot of exes).

There is one situation that is ...different. In high school I dated one of my best friends' brothers or a month or so. To this day, we still see eachother due to functions she has (but not often). He and I don't have contact outside of any functions she has. He is married now, second marriage, has a family. His sister and I are incredibly close and his parents love me. I am pretty sure he tells/has told all the ladies he's been with since me that we had a thing back in the day. I have noticed none of his lady pals/wives have ever truly warmed to me a ton. I am always very nice and cordial when I meet them/am around them and always am sure to e nice. I guess it would feel strange too if I were on the outside in but I am super respectful of boundaries. What do you guys think of that situation?


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Good topic.
> 
> I have no problems telling someone I'm with that someone is an ex. Thing is, I do not cross paths with very many of my exes (in act, I don't even have a lot of exes).
> 
> There is one situation that is ...different. In high school I dated one of my best friends' brothers or a month or so. To this day, we still see eachother due to functions she has (but not often). He and I don't have contact outside of any functions she has. He is married now, second marriage, has a family. His sister and I are incredibly close and his parents love me. I am pretty sure he tells/has told all the ladies he's been with since me that we had a thing back in the day. I have noticed none of his lady pals/wives have ever truly warmed to me a ton. I am always very nice and cordial when I meet them/am around them and always am sure to e nice. I guess it would feel strange too if I were on the outside in but I am super respectful of boundaries. What do you guys think of that situation?


Sounds good. You sound like an honest person anyway, in all your other posts.

Out of pure interest, what would you do if he declared his undying love for you? 

Would you be tempted at all to listen further, to go to a café for a chat, .... etc? How would you deal with this awkward situation.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I don't mean everyone you have ever dated, just those you still interact with (work or friends of friends kind of thing).


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I don't mean everyone you have ever dated, just those you still interact with (work or friends of friends kind of thing).


That's what I took your meaning as.

But in case people still don't interpret you right, you could insert the "I don't mean....... ...... .... kind of thing" at the bottom of your original post with the word

EDIT: 

in front.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

As a man I'd like to weigh in on a couple of points.

First, if it was just a few dates with no real sexual activity (maybe kissing, but no genital involvement), I don't need to know the names or details. I'm sure my wife went on some dates with a number of guys and it never became anything. She has never said, nor do I have any desire to be told, she dated X number of guys in this category.

In those cases if she were to find herself in frequent professional contact with one of them I think it would be prudent to tell me in order to avoid any possible problems. 

What problems? Here's why...

For a man, it is a humiliation to be in the presence of another man who has had carnal knowledge of your wife _and you don't know about it_. There are lots of reasons it has this effect, which I guess women generally cannot understand, based on various threads on this forum.

In addition, the obvious issue we see here all the time is the threat of affairs with an ex. If she is hiding from her husband that she is working with an ex, he would have good reason to be very suspicious when he does find out. Even if nothing is going on, he will be very suspicious because she did not tell him. The truth does seem to come out eventually, too.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thor said:


> As a man I'd like to weigh in on a couple of points.
> 
> First, if it was just a few dates with no real sexual activity (maybe kissing, but no genital involvement), I don't need to know the names or details. I'm sure my wife went on some dates with a number of guys and it never became anything. She has never said, nor do I have any desire to be told, she dated X number of guys in this category.
> 
> ...


This is the situation I find myself in. My STBW has a broad history and we are living together in the same area where she has spent her whole life. She has been very forthcoming when we will possibly be in situations where we would be around an ex, but I do find myself wondering sometimes when we meet guys she knows but hasn't said anything about...


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> This is the situation I find myself in. My STBW has a broad history and we are living together in the same area where she has spent her whole life. She has been very forthcoming when we will possibly be in situations where we would be around an ex, but I do find myself wondering sometimes when we meet guys she knows but hasn't said anything about...


A year ago I found an old love letter (from a boyfriend I knew about) in her high school yearbook which put a whole lot of pieces of the puzzle together. Her history was a lot broader and deeper than she ever admitted to. No, I have not brought this up with her.

There's one guy from high school she has remained good friends with, though with infrequent contact due to geography. She's never said they dated or hooked up. Anyhow, since reading that letter I've wondered if she didn't have some history with him. I think about the times we've gotten together with him socially over the years, and wonder.

That's the power of lies. Had she been fully honest from the beginning there would be no uncertainty.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This is the situation I find myself in. My STBW has a broad history and we are living together in the same area where she has spent her whole life. *She has been very forthcoming when we will possibly be in situations where we would be around an ex, but I do find myself wondering sometimes when we meet guys she knows but hasn't said anything about...*


Why, Sam? Why do you wonder? You said she's "_very forthcoming_" about it beforehand, so why do you waste your time and energy wondering about other men instead of enjoying the evening with your lady? It seems like manufacturing problems out of nothing for no reason.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> Why, Sam? Why do you wonder? You said she's "_very forthcoming_" about it beforehand, so why do you waste your time and energy wondering about other men instead of enjoying the evening with your lady? It seems like manufacturing problems out of nothing for no reason.


Oh, I don't dwell on it. It is just the occasional fleeting thought while in the situation. Her partner count is in the thirties and most of them are unaccounted for. As I said, she has been very forthcoming on things, and the thoughts are fleeting at most.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Oh, I don't dwell on it. It is just the occasional fleeting thought while in the situation. Her partner count is in the thirties and most of them are unaccounted for. As I said, she has been very forthcoming on things, and the thoughts are fleeting at most.


I'm glad to hear that. Don't give those fleeting thoughts any space inside your head. It's self-sabotage.


----------



## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

My hubby knows of my exes and met 2 of them, 1 of which he hates the most lol. Luckily for both of us, he turned into a total douche and we no longer speak. The one he's OK with actually went to our wedding lol. We're cool. I would never hide that from him. I didn't have a whole lot of boyfriends honestly so it's not like it was hard. Him, I'm his first and only so it's easier for me.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> Sounds good. You sound like an honest person anyway, in all your other posts.
> 
> Out of pure interest, what would you do if he declared his undying love for you?
> .


No dice. He's married so that wouldn't happen. Or rather, I don't think it would happen. If, hypothetically, that did happen, I'd tell him that it is inappropriate, being that he is married. 

I had a similar situation happen one time--with my ex flame. He told me he loved me when we were both in relationships w/ other people. i said a variation of the above. That one did pull at my heart strings a little but I said I had an obligation to Mr. Ex Jelly (who I was dating at the time). I never, for the life of me, understood why he chose to tell me at that time (when he also was dating someone). To this day it's a mystery.

I am pretty good about respecting others peoples' relationships. Keeping hands to myself. All of that. LOL.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

hmm... don't care about who anyone dated. Only care about who I know that my gf has had sex with.

That changes the nature of those relationships, and I wouldn't want to be the only one who doesn't know.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thor said:


> For a man, it is a humiliation to be in the presence of another man who has had carnal knowledge of your wife _and you don't know about it_. There are lots of reasons it has this effect, *which I guess women generally cannot understand*, based on various threads on this forum.


This is not gender-specific. If I were hanging out with my guy and a woman he had carnal knowledge of, carrying on with both of them, and had no clue they had a past and found out later, I would feel slighted. Women feel this, too.



Thor said:


> The truth does seem to come out eventually, too.


:iagree:


----------



## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Sounds good. You sound like an honest person anyway, in all your other posts.
> 
> *Out of pure interest, what would you do if he declared his undying love for you? *
> 
> Would you be tempted at all to listen further, to go to a café for a chat, .... etc? How would you deal with this awkward situation.


I'd laugh honestly lol. The ex I am friends with we dated a month in 9th grade and never even slept together. He cheated on me and we got over that. We're pals. Now, the 1 whom I no longer speak with, I did sleep with and we were so on and off for years it wasn't even funny. Haven't spoken to him in...3 years? So no chance of the "undying love" scenario lol. And if he did, I would laugh and tell him to take a hike.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> I don't like any of my exes


:rofl:



FrenchFry said:


> I don't run into them though, or very very rarely. Is that odd?


No, that's not weird. It's rare that I ever run into an ex. Not that I have that many in my wake. Muahahaha.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't feel anyone I dated before we met is even a issue.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Thebes said:


> I don't feel anyone I dated before we met is even a issue.


Even if your new partner works with or is friends with them?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> I don't like any of my exes, so I'd have no problem being like "that d-bag over there? Dated him!"
> 
> I don't run into them though, or very very rarely. Is that odd?


Not odd at all. The only ex that we would even remotely run into is the one married to my cousin. He is one I had been intimate with, therefore, my husband DOES know about him, for certain. Can't say for certain I have mentioned each and every crush I ever had while growing up, but I know for certain that the few sexual encounters he DOES know about.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I can't see why it would be a problem to provide this information, unless you've already lied about your past and telling would expose the lie. Then you risk their finding out somehow anyway, which could be worse if it's something that even matters to them.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm going to make a guess that ntamph thinks his new girlfriend has dated one or more people she works with, and since she hasn't told him this for sure, he thinks she is not being forthcoming with the information.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm going to make a guess that ntamph thinks his new girlfriend has dated one or more people she works with, and since she hasn't told him this for sure, he thinks she is not being forthcoming with the information.


Or he's preemptively worrying about this for no real reason.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

None of my ex boyfriends live in this state, so there's no chance of us running into any of them and same for him. All our ex's live in other states.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

norajane said:


> Or he's preemptively worrying about this for no real reason.



A classic side effect of TAM overindulgence!


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm going to make a guess that ntamph thinks his new girlfriend has dated one or more people she works with, and since she hasn't told him this for sure, he thinks she is not being forthcoming with the information.


She has only dated and been intimate with one other person besides me (her ex boyfriend) who she has not seen in years. I'm not suspicious of anything.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I have nothing to hide.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We were young when we met. Within the first year of dating hubs, and while shopping for furniture, we bumped into the guy I briefly dated before him. Other guy looked a bit gutted; he'd wanted us to move out together. I didn't feel ready for that. Or rather, didn't feel ready with him... lovely guy though, he was training to be a chef. Afterwards I remember hubs joking that I had a thing for guys who could cook for me (hubs is a great home-chef) lol. Guilty as charged! A girl's gotta eat.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Whenever I'm with my wife and we run into one of my exes she either
Poke fun at me ( depending on their physical appearance ) or she immediately starts giving some sort of mild PDA.

She had two exes that she's still friends with and I'm cool with them.
But she also had a long line of suitors , them I make fun of.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What was the question about then, ntamph?


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Mrs Wysh was fairly promiscuous before she met me, and she always lets me know if we meet someone who is one of her exes or someone she had 'been' with.

I sometimes wysh I'd had even half the 'partners' she had.:rofl:
So yes, she would let me know if she worked with an ex.


----------

