# How do I begin?



## sharps (Jun 9, 2015)

Ok , so upon a major uncovering and after years of signs my wife of 26 years has agreed to leave initially. Not that there should be blame cast on her or me she probably feels it is more her issue (needing time to think) than mine and more importantly our schedules and routine makes it wiser & more logical for me to be in the house. I do not look at this as an opportunity for her (or I) to playing around, as I do not think that is what our issue is about (despite some screwed up signs, in another thread).

So I need to move forward. I am, I feel sick, I am not happy about this but despite finding out some stuff “yesterday” our relationship really has been culminating to this point, again I am so sad… and mad.

I am slightly anal, an engineering mind so I am figuring there is a process to separation that should be performed. So while I am here in the office I am thinking of what I can do here.

Since I am the one who handles all the bills & finances , I have all the records here. I sent her an email copy of as many current bills I have copies of plus I added a comments sheet for those bills that are less obvious. I am thinking now I have completed one operation. What else am I missing?

Next I am thinking is to figure out living arrangements. We have tentatively planned that she will leave the house for now. I am not opposed to switching but living together is totally out. Funny as I look back we have JUST been living together for all these years anyway (fwb…). So a total separation is needed to move on imo. To that extent I have just searched on line, in case it is decided that it should be me to leave. Of course I would need to be near the house, my kids but I do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I try to by something small or rent , for how long / what term.

I do not want to call a lawyer yet. I am really fearful of spending a lot of what we have saved on fees. I do not think we will have a contentious separation; we are both committed to being civil for the kids. But when the time comes, I guess for formal paper work, who do I seek out; what type of attorney (aside from the obvious) do I look at gender, expertise, and focused practice, near me?
We will tell our kids tonight that we are having problems and we are aiming to fix them. We will tell them about our time apart. We will reaffirm to them that they are loved unconditionally and that the issues between us are not in any way related to the family. Our issues are personal and they will remain that way. Despite being a very emotional guy, I am sure we will pull this off very adult and professional like. Am I being unrealistic?

Tonight she is coming home from a conference; I have agreed that we can be in the same house but not tomorrow night.

What else do I need to do.

What does someone do the next day after the life the way they knew it changes? The routines are all not the same anymore. I am surely not one who mopes, I need a plan, I need to do something.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The first order of business is retain the lawyer. Yes, I know you are trying to save a dime but in the long run it is quite possible you losing numerous dimes if not represented well.


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Any children still at home?
If not you might start with a mediator. Doesn't meant you don't have a lawyer as well. But if you can unbundle some of the winding down outside of the Court process you will save yourself a lot of money. You don't want to have two lawyers in a room arguing over who gets the couch and who gets the Visa bill. Get that stuff worked out ahead of time. Real Estate, pensions, 401K's etc. now for those don't dare do anything with major assets like that without competent legal counsel. And get a lawyer who does this kind of work, not one who got a buddy out of a DUI. Ask him or her what percentage of their practice is devoted to family law.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

In my opinion when trying to save a marriage separation does not help (most of the time).

you said she admitted to sexting someone.

this separation is just going to give her time to play around.

if you want to save the marriage stop the affair. This can be done with exposure. If the other male is married or has a girlfriend let them know.

find out when she is having an affair with


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. A lot of divorces start out amicably. Until the first disagreement. Amicable, is dependent on both sides willing to negotiate to a place of equability. Unfortunately, most divorces don't end up that way.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

OK, read the no panties thread too.

DUDE will you wake up !!!

This is not a game. This is your life an marriage, and you refusing to get even the basic of this affair is telling that you STILL have not taken off the glasses.

You talk of separating for problems, but you don't even see the real problem is her sleeping with another man.
And with the no panties at work, it sounding more and more as a work place affair.
A little flash during the day, to get the motor running for the parking lot quickie.
Then home to ignore you and laugh how SMART she is.

You may not be able to live together, but I will guarantee she won't spend every night alone.
You either spend a little money now, or lose big. Get the lawyer man.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to dadsdivorce.com.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do you really want to give up without a fight and be the doormat when the OM dumps her and she comes running back to you. Take care of business, she is up to something, and has someone else. Blow that up and move from there.


----------



## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

I am so sorry you are at this crossroad after so many years. I am also at the same at 26 years. I am not going to be able to give you advice on the action steps forward, but want to offer support. 

Same situation with H caught having an affair. Confronted the affair, he said it was done and they were just friends. HOnestly, I believed him because I really wanted to continue our marriage on the level that it was before. I can tell you from someone that really believes in the old school marriage, honestly and faith that that will not happen. NOthing will ever be the same again and your life will be forever changed. 

Regardless of who lives where, trying to remain amicable is great in theory. And maybe does work for some. I am still the "nice" one but am building resentment, anger and frustration daily. We have not yet filed for D but have been living in separate households for 2 mos. Some days good, some days (like today) very difficult. Expect that. Plan to find some peace every day. Take care of your needs (and your childrens). Relearn who you are outside of her. I agree with trying to work things out before court, but that can only be done if both of you can talk through everything without blame and anger. So far for me, that has not worked.

Even though it is hard, especially with an engineering/planning personality, try to just be happy with today. Tomorrow will be what it is. Dont just ignore it, but know that not everything can be planned perfectly. Otherwise, you may cause yourself additional stress as well as pain.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother's wife of 25 years told him she wanted a divorce. Gave him a whole list of what he'd done wrong to cause it. Said she'd be fair, leave him all his stuff he'd accumulated (including money). A year later, she's dragged him through the MUD to get every last penny from him. He outearned and outsaved her 4 to 1, AND she left because she started an affair, yet he ended up having to give her more than half of everything, because he TRUSTED her when she said we don't need to get lawyers involved. And then one day last year, he was given THREE HOURS to get to a courthouse to represent himself or lose half of his investments. Out of the blue.

Do NOTHING right now except hire a lawyer. Please trust me.


----------

