# I don't know what else to do!!!



## TorrieKristin (Oct 19, 2010)

This is my first post of many I hope as I do not know where else to turn or what else to do. I have been with my hubby for 10 years, married for 8. I have a 12 yr old with my first hubby, an 8 year old and a 6 year old. My hubby has been laid off work for over a year. I work full time and go to school online. We rent a house which is in need of fixing up and our landlords won’t help, but they will not raise our rent either so we are stuck there. I’m writing today because I am not sure what else I can do to try to save my marriage. My hubby is an alcoholic and I have lost that fight time and time again. He is depressed because he just lost his father in August. He plays computer games and chats on Facebook most of the day while I am at work and when I get home for most of the evening. He doesn’t really do anything around the house and the kids to him are on his last nerve. There has been physical abuse in the past and verbal abuse still happens when he gets drunk at times. I know I am sure most are saying to walk out, but I am trying all that I can to save my marriage and keep my house as one. We are strangers in the same house lately. We don’t really talk, he does not care about my job and I do not care about his computer games or who is talks to. We are not interested in anything that each other are interested in. He is out doorsey and I am not. I like my family time and he isn’t too much into the family times because the kids normally fight. I am tired of feeling like I am not loved and cared about. I have put up with a lot from him thru the years and I feel that he should be the one fighting for us and he is not. He states to me that he is tired of talking about changes and nothing happens. He said that he is not sure what he wants and he doesn’t know if he wants to put for the effort. I feel that I am the bottom of his list the majority of the time. When I do not like something he tells me to get over it. In my opinion he is very selfish and I feel that I am running around and freaking out all the time trying to keep my family together. He will not go to counseling. He says our issues are sex (I’m not into enough for him and he only touches me when he wants sex and I have a problem only feeling wanted when he wants sex). We had sex last night that I initiated and he didn’t orgasm he just stopped in the middle of it but I felt that he tried to fake it but there was no “after math” his excuse was his heading was ponding. He says he needs his freedom from the kids and time to himself, he says that I pry too much into his personal stuff. I feel that there should be nothing to keep from me and the last time I pried and read an email message from Facebook from a girl he knew back in the day and I confronted him about it since then he has changed all his pass codes as have I. I am really tired of the games and the pointing of fingers and I just want to be happy but I am not sure how to make that happen anymore. HELP! :scratchhead:


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## big will (Oct 20, 2010)

Leave... you'll figure it out... if u can support yourself and your kids and him... you can do a better job if you weren't supporting him... or get him to leave
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sex always seems to be a huge issue for many couples. I've been in the same boat in that area. I have a low sex drive, he has a high one, and so the person with the low sex drive seems to have the control. After a while, the other person gets tired of being rejected, tired of their needs not being met, and they start to switch off.

However, the things he could be doing to make you more willing to meet his needs are not happening, so it's always going to be a vicious cycle until one partner just gives the other what they need without getting anything in return, at least initially. It sounds like you've been trying, but he wasn't particularly into it last night. It might not be this way every night though. If he rejects an advance you make, don't give up. Think of all the times you might've rejected him and how he kept trying the next day, and the next.

You said you don't want advice to leave him. It's hard for me to suggest otherwise after reading that he has been and still is abusive. You'll never be able to help him with the alcoholism, that's something only he can choose to do. However, it sounds like you control the money to some extent, maybe make less of it available to him for alcohol. Anyway, while you are determined to do what you can to save your marriage, I can suggest the following:

Give him what he needs in the relationship. His top need is sex. So with that in mind, I would make the decision to never reject his advances, and initiate sex at least 2-3 times a week. If he makes a move and the time is not right for you, return his caresses and promise to jump his bones later that night. Start working out if you aren't, a trim body makes it easier to feel sexy.

Work out what his other needs in the relationship are, and work out what yours are. Once he feels you are making a true and long term effort to meet his needs, he'll be more receptive to meeting yours. Affection and honesty are obviously two big ones for you.

You have to find some recreational activities that you both enjoy. Nothing with computers. Put a lot of effort into this.

To do all this, I think it would take a super human effort to put aside your anger and resentment. It would be very hard indeed, depending on how long you've both felt this way about your marriage.

Try going to Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts for more advice.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to do if find a local Alanon and start going. You need the support, and you need the knowledge they will give you about living with an alcoholic. 

Do that and report back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

breeze's idea is good, except for one thing - he's an alcoholic.


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