# There's a Tornado of Thoughts in My Brain



## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

I am really struggling with how best to plan for my "new life". You know, the one I don't really want, but am stuck with b/c my husband walked out.

Here are the highlights of my current troubles. . .

I had just gone back to school ( I have no degree). I have not been working. Sure, I've taken odd jobs but for the most part I have spent our married life raising the kids while he had a career.

Now, I find myself without a degree or job, living in an area with few job prospects and no family. Few friends. I am stuck up poo creek. No paddle. Without a degree I have no "in" to a career that would allow me to provide for my kids. Realistically, in order to provide for my kids I need to finish school.

So, how can I finish school (I'm at least two years away from a degree or job skills that I could use to have a "real" job/career)? Earn enough money to support my kids? All while living in a town where I have no family and few friends?

Did I mention that we've homeschooled the kids....so they'll have to go to school next year and then the logistics of carting kids to-and-from school and (possibly) afterschool stuff+ trying to work + trying to find a way to stay in school+ maybe having to hire a nanny........It all seems so overwhelming. 

I don't know whether I should try to stay here and fight this alone.....or if I should move to where I have family so that they can give me some help (at least with the kids)????????


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

if the possibility is there to move closer to family, I'd do it in a minute...they can not only help with the kids, but other support they can offer is impossible to measure...even just giving breaks with the kids can give you some time just for yourself which is important as you heal and move on...

When this first hits you, the brain goes into what I call the constant response analytical process (CRAP) mode, it tries to find every problem possible and worst case scenerio...in other words, if you try to sleep, you're screwed!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I agree about moving to family. A lot of couples with kids still need a ton of help from family to make to work.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Yeah I have the same type of thing, all my family are miles away apart from my parents who moved to be closer, but my Dad (although my rock throughout this) is disabled and my Mum works to 'keep' them so as far as physical help goes I am kinda screwed. I moved here because of my H's job.. Yup I let him forge ahead with his career and i was the stay at home mum.. Now (as I found out last night) that he is bitter about that, that I should have gone to work... although the plan was for me to work when our youngest went to school (this year) And i was doing an Open University degree from home.. He's thrown it in my face several times that I have quit my degree.. but it's a bit of an issue as he walked out, I couldn't fund it, I was having cancer treatment AND look after the kids..

I couldn't even afford to move back to my home town, if I wanted too


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I moved close to family with my 2 kids,it was a really hard decision because obviously he wanted us close to him so he can see the kids but i was so Efd Up that i couldn't do it...i needed help...support ...loving people around me...I do not regret my decision,it might have been one of the things that made him change his mind..i'll never know.But being here has been a lifesaver.

The same boat with finances ..work etc. The plan was , 2nd one starts walking ...i put her in daycare and start my business...It was supposed to happen in the next 4-6 months.I was excited.
Hopefully now i'll be able to do it and become more financially stable ,if something like this happens I will at least know i can take care of me and my girls without him. 
It was a horrible feeling knowing I depend on him for that.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry for all of this. It is overwhelming, but you will get through it.

I agree with everyone else in that if you have the chance to move close or closer to family, do it. As we found out, our husbands can and do let us down in big ways. Family won't do that.

If that's not an option, just start doing what needs to be done to get things in order for the summer or the fall school semester. Nothing will be immediate because it's March - the kids can't be enrolled in school right now and you can't just start taking classes in the middle of the semester. So just start making plans. See what time(s) the bus routes will get the kids to and from school. See if there is a before and/or after care program at the school so that you can better accomodate a work or school schedule. 

Above all, talk to a lawyer right away to see what kind of support - spousal and child - you are entitled to. If you've been home and taking care of kids for all these years, you likely will be entitled to spousal support for at least the next few years so you can get on your feet and become more financially independent. 

At this point, information is your best friend. Get as much as you can so you know what you'll be able to do and handle and what obstacles you'll have to work around.

Right now, just get through the next five minutes. When you start to feel overwhelmed, think of what will help you feel more in order and in control - taking a walk; watching a movie; making some calls; making a list of tasks; writing in a journal; etc., etc. 

Best of luck!


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

Thanks guys!
It is amazing how crazy of a ride this whole separation thing is!

And, I'm also amazed at how my brain sort of kicks into overdrive. I got up to pee last night and the second I stood up I was flooded with thoughts & questions about the separation. I like it better when I'm not dwelling or having to think about all that stuff!

I feel like I'm sort of screwed either way on the whole moving vs not-moving issue. Right now I'm just trying to figure out everything I can about each situation so that I can make the best decision.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, dwelling is not the answer. It is like chasing rabbit holes. Just accept your new reality and move on. 

Go back to school and get some work and you'll be fine. Have you talked to your relatives about moving around/near them? Did you ever file for D?


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