# Should I ask her if she cheated?



## confused07 (Oct 1, 2013)

[***So this is a bit longer of a post, but it requires some background to see where I am coming from with my questions. Maybe a ten minute read.]

I am a guy and I would like a woman?s perspective on this.

I have been dating this girl for a couple of months. Things have been great; I mean near perfect. We have amazing chemistry and have an amazing time whenever we are together. The sex is great and frequent. I think I feel a little more strongly about her than she does about me, but we have talked about that and she wants to take things a little slower and I understand that. The other night, we were having a more serious conversation and I told her I felt like I was falling in love with her. She, of course did not respond the same way, but I would rather she not say something she doesn?t mean; again, she?s a little behind me on where we are on how we feel.

Well, the next day she was at a wedding that she had RSVPd to before we met and by the time we started getting more serious it would have been kind of short notice to ask to change it. It?s the next 24 hours that kind of got me concerned.

1. She didn?t talk to me very much that night of the wedding (eventually they went to a bar after the reception), not even very much by texting. Independently, that doesn?t alarm me. She was a wedding with a lot of friends she doesn?t see often. However, it did seem less than normal.

2. She never called once that night. She texted me a few times, but never called. She said she didn?t call because she didn?t want to call me so late, but she knew I was up. And she usually calls, even if she was out with friends, she usually calls afterward.

3. From like midnight until 3 a.m. I didn?t hear from her at all. Then she just abruptly texted and said she was passing out and that she missed me. I didn?t hear from her again until 11 a.m. the next day, and even that was by text; she didn?t call until later in the afternoon.

Fast-forward to later that night, the day after the wedding.

3. All of the notes or cards from me or anything that would have indicated me or that we are dating in her apartment was gone and put away. She said she had cleaned, but she had cleaned a little the night before and had cards and stuff from family that she put away, but left things from me out. When I got there this time, it was all put away.

4. She changed her sheets that night before we went to bed. This independently doesn?t alarm me. She does change her sheets often and I often help her. However, we had just changed her sheets the day before. Now, we have been in those sheets before without changing them, at least for a few days. I asked her about it and she said she wanted to change them because she slept in them after being sweaty from dancing at the wedding all night and working out the next day and then sleeping in them again when she took a nap before I came over.

Also, she was alarmingly adamant that I didn?t help her change her sheets even though she?s never had a problem with it before and always says very sweet and positive things when I do; at least four or more times in the last couple of weeks that has been the case. I usually do help her change them. This time she was like ?no way, go get ready for bed, I want you up here with me as soon as possible.? She didn?t want me anywhere near the sheets she was changing.

So here is my concern. This night after the wedding we talked a little bit again.

Earlier in the relationship, she said she made the decision that she was ready to not see anyone else. But this night, the night the day after the wedding, she said that she may have said that before she really felt that way (saying this in reference to why she didn?t respond the same way when I told her I was falling in love with her). But then she said she was ready to jump into this relationship and really give it a shot and see where it goes. So I didn?t really know what to make of that back and forth. But it did make me wonder. Did me saying that I was falling in love with her the night before the wedding scare her a little bit, maybe to the point where she decided she said she was ok being exclusive before she really felt that way, and acted on it the night of the wedding?

I mean this whole sequence makes it look like she was with someone that night. She could have invited me to bar after the wedding, especially if she went there as early as 11 or 12. I understand not going to the wedding, there are seat and meal allocations, she said she had already told her friend she was going with her, I get that. But the bar wasn?t the same as the wedding. I mean its not that she would have felt weird with me being around her friends; I was around them the night before the wedding. And if she just wanted a night away from me to hang out with her friends I get that; it is healthy for couples to have space, time apart, their own lives that provide substance to who they are and what makes them attractive to the other, but she never said that. She said she just couldn?t ask that I go to the wedding with her. 

And even if she wasn?t with anyone at the bar who she didn?t want me to see or or who she didn?t want to see me, it makes it seem like there was someone at her apartment with her. She had taken anything down that someone could have prompted someone to ask, hey who is this guy, are you dating someone? That long gap between midnight and 3 a.m. is precisely the time of night that you might be in bed with someone after a wedding or after a night at the bar. The time in the morning would be just the time that you would wake up with someone and be with them for a little bit before they left in the morning. Not calling me during that time would seem logical if someone was there, because it would be hard to hide that you were talking to your boyfriend. And the whole thing with the sheets was just really odd, and not odd in a way that it is quirky to regularly change your sheets every Sunday, like she said.

So did she sleep with someone that night? Or am I just being crazy putting all these unrelated things together?

I have been cheated on before so I am a little more attuned to signs that I probably would have been a little more trusting of before. But she knows I have been cheated on before, and of course she said she would never do that to me. That said, she also said that I need to trust her. And that?s fair; she?s never done anything to make me question that.

So this is my dilemma. This whole thing seemed a little off, but I am not entirely discounting the possibility that I might just be being a little ridiculous about it. Part of me feels like if I don?t ask her about it, it is just going to bother me. I am not an ignorance is bliss kind of guy. But I absolutely adore this girl. And while she?s not ready to walk down the aisle (remember we?ve only been dating two months), I can tell she cares about me and she does express that. She is probably sweeter and more affectionate than anyone I have ever dated before. So I do not want to lose this girl. And I feel like asking her is necessarily coupled with breaking up. I mean I can imagine how that sounds, being accused of cheating. How could there not be a hurtful and lingering feeling that you?re not trusted. That would have to be corrosive to what has been an otherwise great relationship.

So I am not sure what to do or what to do or what to think here. If you?ve read to here, thank you. If you have some genuine advice, I'd love to hear it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been dating her for only 2 months. Then she goes to a wedding with friends and you are freaked out because she did not call you and text you enough? That is very smothering. Did you mention to her that you were upset because she did not call/text you enough?

The way you present the case, it sounds like she might have had some guy over. But what do I know? You can ask her but I doubt she'd tell you the truth if she did have someone over.

If you feel that you cannot be away from her without her constantly calling/texting you, there is a problem in your relationship.

If you feel that she was with someone sexually, then you do not trust her and there is a problem in your relationship.

It sounds doomed.


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## confused07 (Oct 1, 2013)

It is not that I have a problem with her not texting or calling. That is kind of out of context. Independently, that's not a concern. We both have busy schedules and it's not common for texts or calls to come seldom from time-to-time. It is everything in the aggregate that concerned me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So ask her if she was with someone.

Or you could just keep an eye out and see if you can find anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It doesn't seem like its out of the question that she cheated that night.

In other words, yeah it sounds like it.

Can you look at her phone and see if she texted someone?

You could also out right ask her, and listen to your gut when she answers. But do it face-face so you can see her reaction.

The stronger she reacts, the more likely it is.

Are you sure you are even exclusive at this point?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Is it really cheating, in a "relationship" of two months? Or is it seeing someone else that night? 

If you both haven't proclaimed exclusivity.... then it's not cheating. 

Of course, she could be mature and just SAY it. But I guess you have to at least have to ASK her and then play it by ear. 

The question for you is... what if she was with someone else? What does that mean for the "relationship"? MAYBE she really is the girl that you adore, and maybe your proclamations of love did put her off.... if she wasn't ready to hear it. Or deal with it. Or not sure where she is in her own life... 

How old are you two? I somehow think it matters.


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## confused07 (Oct 1, 2013)

We're both 29.

And if she was with someone else I am not sure what that means. If she was, she was dishonest about it, or at the very least misleading. It is confusing though, because it is east to take her prior statement that she is ready to not see anyone else as exclusivity. And I am not sure if she actually was someone; I might just be reading too much into several unrelated occurrences.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Aw,that in-between age. 

Just be open and honest with her. Tell her what you want, either it eases your mind.... or she was with someone and you have to figure out if that matters.... or she denies it all and resents you for even going there.... then you have to decide how that works for you too. 

Soooooooooooo..... being mature, you have to bring it up and out into the open. Just do it.

The plus side is.... if you don't like how this conversation goes, then just call it done. It's only been two months. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work... for whatever reason. Sometimes we are just not in the same place at the same time, even when we think it would be awesome if we were.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she isn't ready to be exclusive with someone, then take her at her word. Then dump her and move on because honestly, if she was really into you, at 29 she'd be happy to be exclusive.

But since she isn't ready, what she really is saying us that you do not do it for her, she isn't passionate about only you, and she is keeping her options and bed open for something better than you.

Sorry, but that's the way this stuff works. Sure you can play the waiting game until she gives up and settles for you, but is that how you want to win the girl?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

? Is it worth going into anything with all these concerns? 


There are posts here from today with guys saying how they let these kinds of things slide and now a marriage and one or two kids later it is coming back to haunt them. 

Wise up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr... =/

You don't ask a potential cheater if he/she cheated; as the answer is always going to be the same. You'll have to find out by yourself.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So.....

What kind of guy are you, confused07?

Serious question.....really.

Are you waiting around for her phone call all night? Particularly after only two months of dating? And when she didn't call, you get those 'funny feelings?". Or did you say "Sure babe! Go have fun! I knw you can't change your plans, but I can always go out with my friends anyway. Besides, there is this new, really cool bar my friends wanted me to go see. It's supposed to be really fun! I think I'll have a blast! Hey! You have fun too!"

You see...sitting at home waiting for her reaction and phone call is too beta. It makes you smothering. It's like you put her on a pedestal....you know....the pedestal all "nice guys" put their girls on because their girl is so awesome...far above anything in this world, even you....and doing that just shows how much you love them. Besides, if "you" stay home waiting for them...well, that also shows just how much you love them...and they will see that clearly and just have to think you are the most awesome guy in the universe and they will have no choice but to love you back immensely!!

However...the second response....the one where you say your going out to this awesome new dance bar....you know the one....the fun one with lots of single women...scantily clad single women...drunk...dancing....you...alone....with your friends.......having fun without her....just a bunch of guys going out....together...without her....having fun....without her....

I can, with 99% certainty, after two months of dating...(of course...if she was really into you)..guarantee that she would have been on that phone constantly after 11pm texting and calling you to make sure you were still "hers".

That's just how it works, friend. 2.1 million years of human behavioral evolution at work to make sure "you" remain "her's". Instead, you stayed home. Waiting. Very safe for her. Very safe for her to get distracted by new males moving in on the territory.

So...did she cheat? Highly probable, but not conclusive. 

...you should have taken her off the pedestal and went out with your friends to that really new dance bar....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Quite frankly I reckon he's being paranoid, but that's just me.

I also reckon he's done a few things that are worth facepalming over :slap: ... but that's just my opinion, and in this case, I'll keep most of it to myself.

@OP

My advice is that you withdraw emotionally at least for some time until things are more balanced, you're way too invested already after only 2 months. You see, romance is a bit of a tennis game, you pass the ball to her, she passes back. 

However right now, you're crossing over to her court and that just ruins the game.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

The sheets thing that was highly out of the norm has got me thinking something probably happened. I personally believe that after two months, if you sleeping together and seeing each other almost everyday, your exclusive. I know I'm old fashioned, but only a player ( or cheater) sleeps with more than one person at a time. Two months into a relationship it is not OK to sleep with someone else. 

I would sit her down and tell her that you understand that you are in different places. But at this point you are not willing to share her. If she is good with it I would probably let the one night thing go because in her mind it was probably acceptable. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

With just 2 months in the bank I'd say that the relationship wasn't yet solid enough for both sides to commit.

At a wedding, single female, loads of dancing, well dressed guys, alchohol. As one would expect temptation levels and hormones are high.

She knew where you were and what you were doing. You knew where she was. 

Differing attitude when you went to see her in some of the shared situations. And youve a gut feeling there is evidence in the bed to show that she may have been with someone else. 

If your that worried and your gut is telling you someting is up then the path in the future probably holds similar. It might be wise to cool off now and save some very uncomfortable discussions. I suspect she did have company. However, if shes not yet into you as much as you to her then and she sees a one night stand as acceptable then there is little you will do to change that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My advice to you is move on.
Do NOT ask her about her sex life outside of you.
She's playing games with you on every level, and does not feel the same way you do. In any event , two months is a bit too soon to make yourself vulnerable to someone who clearly doesn't respect you.

Even is you two were not exclusive , she should have at least be honest and mature enough not to go dark and string you along.

But this is a game that two could play.
Here's what you can do.

1)Do not respond to her texts for a while, do the " disappearing act " once in a while.
2)Be emotionally distant with her, stop telling her how you feel about her.
3)Invest some more time in meeting other women who are interested in having sex, but be honest, flirt with them in front of her.
4)Spend more time doing stuff you like with your guy friends, not with her.
5)Stop putting her on a pedestal.
6)Improve on your self confidence.

However , 
If you are interested in having a relationship with an honest woman who respects you , who's not into childish , immature , emotionally manipulative games , who knows how to treat a nice guy,
Then dump her immediately , and look for such a woman.

You are a genuine nice guy and deserve much better, but if you don't respect yourself enough to dump a woman whenever she disrespects you , they would always treat you like this, and even cheat on you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Two months and you can't trust her ? BAIL !!

And yes, of course she cheated !


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes not girlfriend/wife material!

be glad you found out now.

keep her around as a f*** buddy. play the alpha male and only call her when you want a piece of a$$ be aloof all while looking for the real dael.

basicaly thats what shes doing to you flip the table on her.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Did you surprise her by showing up at her place, before she had a chance to change the sheets and put your photos back out on display? If it was a planned event, then I doubt those things were an oversight on her part and more of an intentional message to you.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Yep, gota agree with both caribbean man and bluecalcite.

Best advice is as CM said, start distancing yourself and get back out there with the guys and keep the friendships going. She'll get the message that youve something to distance yourself for. I suspect that bluecalcites point about the "planned event" is a good one. It might just be that youve shown your hand to early and shes looking for a casual / sexual relationship and not looking to tell you that shes in love with you because she isnt. Therefore amke you do the walking.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At 29 most women are shopping for the committed serious partner, and a wedding tends to bring out the I want a man NOW! In single women. That fact that she didnt want you to join up for the wedding or after party is telling. 

If she was into you, she would have wanted to show you off, at least afterward. So who was her date for the evening?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I would just cool it for a while and rather than being the one chasing her, take a step back and let her chase you. You'll know soon enough if she's as interested in you as you are with her.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

She didn't want you at the wedding says it all. 

You not being able to have her away for a night without constant calls, when you're only in a two month relationship says even more.

Also, I'm picking up on some serious "nice guy" issues. You need to get and read "No More Mr Nice Guy". If you don't fix your issue the pattern will repeat.


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

6301 said:


> I would just cool it for a while and rather than being the one chasing her, take a step back and let her chase you. You'll know soon enough if she's as interested in you as you are with her.


Best advice I've seen all day.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Quit being a whipped dog and grow some balls.

Quit smothering her and waiting around for her. If I was her I would feel like you are already totally whipped which you are. Are you going to ask to move in and get married. Take is slower for God's sake.

Do you call her 5 times a day, text her every half and hour?

She knows she has your wrapped around her finger.

Back off, give her some space. Let her hang around her friends.

Start hanging with your friends and book a date night on a Friday and tell her you are going out with your guy friends on a Saturday even if you aren't.

She sounds like a nice girl but take it slow and easy


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is it cheating if you aren't exclusive? 
I think her putting away all obvious signs of you and changing the sheets are red flags that she was with someone else. 
My gut tells me she knew an old flame would be there and she wanted to have another go round.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Walk away from her and cut your losses. And next time do not profess feelings like falling in love after two MONTHS of dating. I don't care what kind of chemistry you have that's something teenagers do.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Looks like the juries back in and sentance put forward.

If youve been in a reasonable relationsghip for two months, youve been intermate and youve (maybe wrongly) admitted your feelings most people would have said to the Bridage and Groom, "Im with so and so now. would it be in order to invite them to the evenings festivities?". As some have pointed out a partner in this situation would want to have the person in their life on their arm and yes, show them off. It might have been that you had a previous situation that you could not have got out of (even a wedding of a iend), at least an offer would have been made. Consider, what would you have done in her situation? Would you have gone to the wedding and wanted to take your new girl to the evening at least or would you have gone and been single all day. It migght not have even crossed her mind about yo being there, but I really doubt that. 
I suppose its time to make other friends and teat this relationship as a friends with benefits until you find someone who really wants you OR the other party shows a clear committment. The latter is so doubtful.
Just taking off and not seeing her every day, planing things with AND without her will soon provide you with a direction. And I guess the rest of us here do not need to have psychic abilities.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

His gut instinct is telling him that something is wrong. Always trust your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

confused07 said:


> I told her I felt like I was falling in love with her. She, of course did not respond the same way, but I would rather she not say something she doesn?t mean; again, she?s a little behind me on where we are on how we feel.


 First, you said "of course did not respond the same way" because she has not been leading you on, and never gave you any reason to think that she was falling in love with you. Second, you saying that she is "a little behind me on where we are on how we feel", is a little scary because you talk as if it is inevitable that she will fall in love with you, when in fact it is not a sure thing. She is not "behind" you on this if she is not even heading there, and statistically there is a very good chance that she will not ever fall in love with you, as she probably has not fallen in love with most of the men that she has dated for only 2 months.

As for did she cheat on you that night. If you truly are in an exclusive relationship, then yes she probably did cheat.


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