# Feeling awful...how to overcome it



## Janzen (Apr 29, 2015)

My current husband & I have been together just over 4 years...married for 2. He was always telling little lies and not being honest mostly about money. I more often than not let it roll off and not make a huge deal about things. I myself have always been very independent and financially smart. I always paid what needed to paid first before the extras etc. To sum up past 4 years...to two larger events this year. We had been trying to obtain his credit history and had sent away for it and never received it in the mail...strange...I offered to pay for it on my credit card & he got very defensive. Just before xmas I found an envelope under our bed that was his credit check that had been in our home for a year!!! When I confronted him he said he felt it was his past and for him to deal with when he was ready and didn't think of it as it affecting his family now (I have two girls from a previous marriage and we have a one year old together). We had a huge talk about money and how betrayed I felt from that and thought we were moving past it. A few months later I got a phone call from Easy financial about an overdue payment in his name. I was sick to my stomach! When I confronted him about it he had no explanation. He took a $4100 loan last summer and will be paying back almost double...to me anyone knows that about those companies. He still can't explain what the money was for except that for years he had no idea how to budget and was constantly going to pay day loans, bank of mom & dad etc. I ask for the last 6 months of his bank account records to go over it...holy crap how could I have been so blind to this!!! He even "borrowed" money from work!! To make matters worse his got fired from his job a month ago and still hasn't found work! I am just finishing mat leave and we had already decided I was going to run my own business again so we didn't have to pay for daycare. I am the only one with credit cards or credit for that matter. With him not working I will have to pay for everything on my cards or overdraft till he gets a job bcuz he made more than myself and I can't pay for everything on my income.
We have been doing individual counselling and were suppose to start couples but have no money or babysitter 
There are other issues that seem amplified bcuz of all of this. Things are no where near the same. I was trying hard to get past all the lies and then he got fired and it has put a huge stress and pressure on me I feel.
He told me a few weeks ago that this was the first time in his life (he is 41) that he was being open and honest and wasn't hiding anything from anyone. Part of me feels sorry for him but the other part feels like he took all that crap and put it on my plate to deal with.
Feeling overwhelmed and don't want to be divorced a second time but unsure if things can be fixed


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is embarrassed about his debt. Have a talk with him telling him he can't take out any more loans. Write down all of your debts, write down a budget you both agree on cutting out extra spending like eating out. Don't use credit cards only cash. Once he gets a job start paying off your loans from the smallest amount to the biggest amount.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just want to say the following for anyone reading here: Before you marry anyone make sure that you sit down with both of your credit reports and all the financial records (bank statements, etc) so that each of you has full disclosure. 

On at least an annual basis, again pull both of your credit reports.

This will prevent the kind of horrible surprise Jazen is facing here.

*Now to Jazen...*

Do you live in a state where your debt is actually separate as long as it's in his name only (or your name only)? You need to know this.

In order to go forward with your marriage with some sanity, you and your husband need work together to get through this. Here are some thing that might help:

The two of you would benefit from reading the book: 

Start Late, Finish Rich: A No-Fail Plan for Achieving Financial Freedom at Any Age 

The book talks about the kind of plan that needs to be put in place and a lot more. You say that you good and responsible with money. So you might not need the book, but he does. And you might lean something too.

From now on have a monthly family finance meeting.. just like a business would have. Often times when there are troubles like this the more financially responsible spouse takes on the task of managing the finances. The problem with that is that it makes the other person even more irresponsible. Now you become mommy and he's the naughty kid who will be looking for ways to hide money from you. You can try to management money all you want. But legally, he can go out and get all the pay-day loans they will give him, or any other foolish thing he wants. He does not even need to tell you about it. But in most states you are as liable as he is.

How hard is he job hunting?

While he is job hunting, there are things that he can do. Whatever skill sets he has, he can do things like put an ad on craigslist. Everyone I know who has done this gets work.

I use a lot of people off craigslist to do things like landscaping, yard work, house cleaning, dog grooming, help with moving, and on and on. I have never had any problem at all with anyone from there.

I always talk to them about them using craigslist. they say that they get so much work that they are always have more offers than they can possible do. Guys around here doing any kind of handyman work are getting about $30 per hour and up.

Sure there are a few on craigslist who will charge $10-$15 an hour. They are mostly high school kids and college student. I've used a few of them too. But they need more supervision usually.

I know a few people who are notary publics, bookkeepers, etc who advertise on there too. they all get work.

Whatever your husband's skills are, he can most likely find a way to freelance using craigslist or some other online site.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I had an ad detailing cars off craigslist. It got out of hand... I almost dropped out of school to build a business from it.


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## Janzen (Apr 29, 2015)

Aside from the feeling of betrayal he has left all money up to me to allocate where needs be...not hard at the moment bcuz there isn't much. He seriously can't even handle transferring the correct amount without being overdrawn. 

I don't feel he is job hunting as well as he could. He has been fired in the past before we were together and took as a mini vacation while mommy & daddy paid for him to get by. 

I am so disappointed amoung so much more. I feel like an ass for not paying attention to the signs. We live in Canada so I am pretty sure his debt is his etc unless we had debt together and were to divorce.

This year has been so stressful! I don't know how much longer it can go like this. ; (


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Janzen

I can only say that your situation exactly mirrors my situation about six or seven years ago. Not a credit report under the bed but a bill in my name, it seemed at the time that my wife wanted me to be in debt as well. I feel for you in this situation, it is like ones spouse is having an affair, but this time it is not a person but simply money.
My advice would be to take things carefully and calmly, be firm but not nagging. If you need any other advice please feel free to ask. Be wary of false dawns and make sure that you can see all the problem. My wife gambles as well.


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