# What to do now??



## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

i finally filed for divorce and completely shut my stbxh out. he tried reaching out to me from other numbers but i blocked all of them out. every time he'd send me a message, they'd always be so negative, saying such mean things and trying to some how make me be at fault for the demise of our marriage.

i still feel as though i am to week to even have a conversation with him because i am still in love with him. and i really don't know why. this man was AWFUL to me and I gave him nothing but all of me and all the love and care that a wife could possibly give. i think if i could have given my my actual body, i could have lol.

anyway, he calls my job the other day due to an incident that happened with my sister and i gave him a tiny bit of conversation. he told me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, he's miserable without me, blah , blah, blah!! i want nothing more than to have the man that i wish that he could have been to me. but i know he's still not ready. i can tell from some of the other things that he was saying to me.

now i feel like because i gave him a little conversation, i have lost control of my feelings and back to square one. He has not called my job since and i'm happy about that, but a part of me still wants to know what was that all about. He texted my daughter and told her that he was going to bring her b-day gift, but i emailed him and told him that a simple text would suffice and that the gesture was very kind. then i blocked him out again. am i handling this well? i'm just trying to erase him completely. we have nothing that holds us together.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You know how it takes a while before you fall in love with a person, well it takes longer to fall out of love with them. When you called him again, you heard his voice, I am sure he tried to act pleasant, and it reinforced the bond the two of you held. Even though you had a setback, the intensity will elessen over time. It is a process, and it could be two steps forwards and one step back sometimes . Do not focus on the little steps, but look at the pattern. Your bond is weakening, since you had the energy to leave him. You take him less at his words, and even though it is hard to live without him, you will eventually adapt.

Just prioritize yourself, and make positive changes in your life. Make this time about you. Increase your chance of fulfillment in life by investing in yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Start the no contact "count" again (I track days, weeks, months and years -- when I have a set-back I reset the count and start over).

Getting over someone takes a lot of work. I know that all too well. But you'll get there.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

aaaaaaah Mr. Fisty!! you are a breath of fresh air:smthumbup::smthumbup:

thank you!!



Mr.Fisty said:


> You know how it takes a while before you fall in love with a person, well it takes longer to fall out of love with them. When you called him again, you heard his voice, I am sure he tried to act pleasant, and it reinforced the bond the two of you held. Even though you had a setback, the intensity will elessen over time. It is a process, and it could be two steps forwards and one step back sometimes . Do not focus on the little steps, but look at the pattern. Your bond is weakening, since you had the energy to leave him. You take him less at his words, and even though it is hard to live without him, you will eventually adapt.
> 
> Just prioritize yourself, and make positive changes in your life. Make this time about you. Increase your chance of fulfillment in life by investing in yourself.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

i did exactly that. and then here he comes at my door step yesterday.

i was coming in from work and there he was. he was at a lost for words. all he could say was the same thing that i've been hearing for our entire marriage. NOTHING!! i kindly sent him on his way. lord knows how i was hurting so bad sending him away but i know that i have to.



Openminded said:


> Start the no contact "count" again (I track days, weeks, months and years -- when I have a set-back I reset the count and start over).
> 
> Getting over someone takes a lot of work. I know that all too well. But you'll get there.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You simply lack the tools and experience at this time. You have never been in this position before, and thus the inability to react correctly. Keep reminding yourself that this is what is best for you. Use it like a mantra, and like a muscle memory, it will be easier to feel and think that way. Like learning a new skill, repetition is key.

Attachment are like batteries, over time they lose power unless recharged. Things like anger, resentment, neglect, will drain the battery faster than you can recharge it. The more nc you enact, the battery has no chance of recharging, and eventually will become a dead battery.


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

you are absolutely right about this. i have never been in this position before and i really wish that i could just blink my eye and it would all go away.

i am going to follow what you said and also keep up with the nc.



Mr.Fisty said:


> You simply lack the tools and experience at this time. You have never been in this position before, and thus the inability to react correctly. Keep reminding yourself that this is what is best for you. Use it like a mantra, and like a muscle memory, it will be easier to feel and think that way. Like learning a new skill, repetition is key.
> 
> Attachment are like batteries, over time they lose power unless recharged. Things like anger, resentment, neglect, will drain the battery faster than you can recharge it. The more nc you enact, the battery has no chance of recharging, and eventually will become a dead battery.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

rhonda1971 said:


> i still feel as though i am to week to even have a conversation with him


Try reminding yourself that you're being strong enough to ignore him. And well done for doing it thus far.

Usually, I advise anybody to focus on the positive. And you should.

With bullies though, it can help to remind yourself of their hate, too.

When the sweet talk and texts come in,, remember the hateful ones. When you feel weak, you can get your strength back from reminding yourself why you've ended it.

Hang in there, Rhonda. Yer doin' good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rhonda1971 (Oct 9, 2014)

thank you!! i need all the encouragement that i can get.



Flying_Dutchman said:


> Try reminding yourself that you're being strong enough to ignore him. And well done for doing it thus far.
> 
> Usually, I advise anybody to focus on the positive. And you should.
> 
> ...


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