# Is it okay to ask for advice here?



## MWP (Aug 24, 2016)

Ladies,

Are you okay with guys asking for female advice here? I really don't want to intrude on the Ladies' Lounge, but I could use a female's thought process on this!

Thank you!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sure! Ask away!


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## MWP (Aug 24, 2016)

Thank you!

We have been married for nearly 20 years. She is a healthcare professional who works in a hospital setting. My job sometimes requires me to work nights. At her job, she befriended a male doctor. Being the one who pays the bills, I review our cell phone bill and I view the activity. I noticed a lot of text messages between the two, mostly during work hours and some on days off and after hours.

Just to be sure, I looked at the text messages on her phone and noticed they also talk about where to go for lunch. We know each others' phone passwords. When I asked her about the lunches, she says often a group goes out together for lunch. What really got me curious was that she first said that she “never goes to lunch alone” with him, but then later said “she rarely goes to lunch alone” during the same conversation.

Out of concern for our marriage, I again took a look at her text messages when I got the opportunity. I saw pictures of food that she was eating and they spoke a lot about restaurants. I never knew my wife to be a foodie, but she sure appeared like it. I never knew her as a "foodie", although we've been together for over 20 years. They would send restaurant recommendations back and forth, pictures of menus and food, etc. Normally, that would not be a concern. But, she sent quite a few messages while she was out of town but did not text me as much.

I had a conversation with her about him where I stated my concern about his intentions. I almost felt bad, because he’s a super nice guy and is quite unassuming. I even joked with her that if she were to have an affair with him, she would have a great cover because I would never suspect it. 

The reason this bothers me is because throughout our marriage, my wife has always had the opinion that men and women cannot be “just friends”, that something sexual is always possible.

It kept going, and it kept bothering me. I looked deeper into it and saw that she deleted text messages. I knew this because there were incomplete conversations in the thread and it didn't make sense. 

On Father's Day, I had to work night shift. She waited until I left for work to text the co-worker. His wife was at the beach with the kids, and I guess she felt bad he was alone. I asked to see the texts to make sure everything was on the up-and-up, but she replied with silence. The texts were deleted. She said she deleted them to "avoid an argument". 

She describes him as "the only friend" she has here (we moved cross-country about four years ago). If he was a she, there would not be an issue. But, she has ALWAYS told me that men and women cannot simply be friends because some sort of sexual tension would arise.

We are friends with each others' spouses and have gone to social gatherings with them, including the kids. During one of our discussions about this, I mentioned that his wife probably would not be happy with the situation either. She was insistent that I not bring it up with the wife so as not to make things uncomfortable when we get together.

The reason this situation is so strange is because she's never been friends with a male. It's almost like they're connecting in some way. If he were a woman, their behavior would be appropriate. But, he's not a woman.



So, ladies. What do you think?

Can men and women be "just friends"?

Is it common to text co-workers after hours and days off?

When a woman says, "He would never do anything, he loves his wife too much"...what does that mean?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You keep wondering about this. You keep talking to her and accepting what she tells you. You shouldn't be doing any of that. Tell her she is your wife and she is to put a stop to this immediately. If she doesn't or if she argues, then leave. Pack a bag and go to a hotel. You have to let her know you are not going to tolerate this behavior. And you're not going to tolerate her double standards either. What she said about men and women can't be friends is what she believes, so it is also has to apply to her. She's doesn't think it applies to her because she is enjoying what she's doing and doesn't want to stop. So all of a sudden, SHE and a man can be friends.

Moreover, she shouldn't be doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. She owes you that respect as your wife. She wouldn't like it if you did the same thing, and she would tell you to put a stop to it. So tell her that. Tell her that she is disrespecting you. Tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her to stop right now.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You wrote *When a woman says, "He would never do anything, he loves his wife too much"...what does that mean?*

it means the OM is creating a fantasy in your Ws mind that OM is a great, humane, charitable and moral person. Another part of his story might be that in spite of all his decency OMW treats him horribly. It's one type of script OM use to seduce their prey. 

I'm fairly sure the OMs male co-workers have no idea if he loves his wife or not.

Tamat


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> You wrote *When a woman says, "He would never do anything, he loves his wife too much"...what does that mean?*
> 
> it means the OM is creating a fantasy in your Ws mind that OM is a great, humane, charitable and moral person. Another part of his story might be that in spite of all his decency OMW treats him horribly. It's one type of script OM use to seduce their prey.
> 
> ...


Exactly. And the next step is making her believe she is so much more special to him than his wife. You know, he just can't help himself from wanting her. The step after that is bed.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

If you and the other man's wife both died in an unfortunate accident, your wife would be remarried to this man within a year. She may not be physically cheating on you, but they are definately forming a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You are watching as the snowball carrying your wife is going down a steep, snowy cliff.

Do you attempt to stop it before it gets too heavy to handle or do you let it roll down the hill because you are afraid of being crushed?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is playing with fire and if it doesn't stop someone will get burnt. 
It needs to stop asap.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MWP said:


> When a woman says, "He would never do anything, he loves his wife too much"...what does that mean?


LOL...it usually means, "I wonder if my husband will believe that steaming pile of bull**** so I can throw him off our scent?"

You remind me of the frog in the pot of warm water. He sits in the pot where it's nice and warm and is completely unaware that the water is slowly getting hotter and hotter on it's way to a boil. Sadly, by the time it reaches the boiling point, it's too late and the frog dies.

Stop being so complacent.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

No one ever deletes text messages from a conversation unless they have something to hide. No one. 

She didn't delete certain messages "to avoid an argument". It's because she knew the content of said messages was questionable. 

Period.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> *If you and the other man's wife both died in an unfortunate accident, your wife would be remarried to this man within a year. She may not be physically cheating on you, but they are definately forming a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.*


*You got to trust me on this one Maxwedge ~ let's just say that it wouldn't necessarily take the full damn year!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Provided that she has not already changed passwords to her phone ~ yet another obvious sign of an ongoing EA or a PA, try to transfer her texts, deleted and otherwise, over to your phone or PC. Then find a good text recovery program to help restore those deleted texts. 

Someone who is far less computer illiterate than I am might be better able to assist you in recommending an excellent one to you!

In your situation, always be wary! After all, where there's smoke, there's often fire!*


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

She is not behaving with honesty and integrity .... with you or with him. She is definitely in an EA (not quite sure if it has gone PA yet). And if her behavior doesn't stop with this OM now ... it will go physical very soon.

You need to confront her with what you know and how you feel. Tell her you know what these types of "friendships" lead to. Point out to her that she is the one that has always said that men and women can't be "just friends." As her is she has changed her thinking on that and why. Ask her why she needed to delete texts to "avoid an argument". Tell her if the texts were on the up-and-up then she wouldn't have had to delete them. tell her that if OM loves his wife so much then he shouldn't be texting someone else's wife and sharing intimate details with each other. As her how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you were doing the same thing with OM's wife....working together, texting back and forth and hanging out together....and having to delete texts because you didn't want an argument to follow if she saw those texts. She knows what she is doing is wrong but she can't help it....she's in the affair fog. YOU need to stop it now. No more texting with him....you both need to stop hanging out with the other couple...and there is a a very big possibility that she may need to find a new job. It has been said that medical professionals are among the worst cheaters, and hospitals in particular is the biggest breeding ground for affairs to happen.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Your wife is already knee deep in an emotional affair and wading deeper every day. Deleting texts is a very bad sign. The argument that it's to avoid conflict should be a sign that she KNOWS what she is doing is wrong and is minimizing the affair.

I hate to say, but as each day passes, she loses respect for you and gains admiration for him. The medical field is absolutely chock full of infidelity. I'm not sure how you can fix this. Your wife will just take it underground if you push the issue too much. If you do nothing, the affair continues and becomes physical (if it hasn't already). 

I guess I would just reiterate to her that you know what's going on and that if she cheats, you'll be seeing a lawyer. That includes emotional cheating.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would tell the OM wife that you are very concerned about this.


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