# great wife, no warmth



## romanceisgood (Jun 14, 2013)

I am new here, not sure where to start. I had a great marriage for 19 years, wife died from cancer, I married an asian woman that has great qualities and is a good wife. Perhaps I am just too picky but before we got serious in our relationship I talked with her many times and very openly about what I expect and need from a relationship and I fully realise that I expect a lot. I am very romantic and want to show and recieve a lot of tenderness and affection. I pick her wildflowers almost every day and make sure that she hears the words, "I love you" 20 times or more each day. She is quite pretty and we are the same age, (42 and 43). She also is a widow and it seems that she has never been an affectionate person. I am pleased that she never witholds sex, but it is so hard to get her to understand that simple sex is not enough, I go to every extent to try to find every possible way to please my wife in bed and am willing to spend as long as it takes to find ways to please her, it realy does seem to be that she has never had any real sex drive even when she was young and romance means very little to her. We cannot talk about these things, she is just not a person that talks about anything, she will listen and then just go on as if nothing ever was said. I know that for most men she would probably be considered a perfect wife, but these things are almost completely depressing to me. I have made the commitment to love my wife and will never stray but it would be nice to feel passionately desired again.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm going to throw a few random thoughts that ran through my brain while I read your post. Maybe some apply, maybe none, maybe all of them:

1. You married your wife hoping she was one type of person but she simply isn't. Now you expect her to change who she is in order to meet your needs.

2. Both partners need to compromise and adjust in order to meet their partner's needs. If your wife is not willing to talk about or try to meet your needs, I would suggest counseling.

3. I wouldn't have any sex drive for someone that tells me "I love you" 20 times a day. That's not romantic. It's smothering, needy and not at all masculine. Sure, I want to hear "I love you" but once or twice a day is more than enough.


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## romanceisgood (Jun 14, 2013)

You are probably right on most counts, of course all women aren't alike and as we learn by experience, my deceased wife loved being told over and again that she was loved and did not consider it smothering, and of course I was hoping that she was a type of person that she isn't, otherwise I would not be seeking to talk to someone else. By the way if I do reduce the amount of times that I show her affection it bothers her and seems to hurt her feelings. Over all I am sure that I have a very good wife and am willing to compromise because I would never want anyone else, just wish the tenderness and the affection was greater.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

romanceisgood said:


> I am very romantic and want to show and recieve a lot of tenderness and affection. *I pick her wildflowers almost every day and make sure that she hears the words, "I love you" 20 times or more each day.* She is quite pretty and we are the same age, (42 and 43). She also is a widow and it seems that she has never been an affectionate person. I am pleased that she never witholds sex, but it is so hard to get her to understand that simple sex is not enough, I go to every extent to try to find every possible way to please my wife in bed and am willing to spend as long as it takes to find ways to please her, it realy does seem to be that she has never had any real sex drive even when she was young and romance means very little to her. *We cannot talk about these things, she is just not a person that talks about anything, she will listen and then just go on as if nothing ever was said.*



Perhaps you are overdoing it? 

Why dont you find out what is considered romantic in her culture? Perhaps do those things?

Perhaps she does listen but dont know how to process the info?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When you say you love her, is that to make her feel good or is it to make you feel good?

If you want her to feel good, you have to transmit on her frequcney


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

This is a cool summation female O 

Female Orgasms: Myths and Facts


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

"simple sex is not enough"

It's funny, I am just coming down from the adrenaline in participating (and now lurking) in the "bend for a friend" thread. simple sex is not enough....sweet goddess!!!!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

salamander said:


> "simple sex is not enough"
> 
> It's funny, I am just coming down from the adrenaline in participating (and now lurking) in the "bend for a friend" thread. simple sex is not enough....sweet goddess!!!!


Don't mean to hijack here, but Salamander, what happened to the Bend for a Friend thread? It was so good . . . and now it's gone!


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Did the mods shut it down? I didn't notice it was missing yet this morning. It was good, i think it was really unearthing some truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

salamander said:


> Did the mods shut it down? I didn't notice it was missing yet this morning. It was good, i think it was really unearthing some truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think if the Mods did it, it would be locked, not removed, or at least there would be some trace telling what happened to it--but I could be wrong. Maybe JustWondering decided to delete it. Yes, it had great insights from both sides: too bad it's gone. 

Ok, sorry OP--back to your thread!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

romanceisgood said:


> I am new here, not sure where to start. I had a great marriage for 19 years, wife died from cancer, I married an asian woman that has great qualities and is a good wife. Perhaps I am just too picky but before we got serious in our relationship I talked with her many times and very openly about what I expect and need from a relationship and I fully realise that I expect a lot. I am very romantic and want to show and recieve a lot of tenderness and affection. I pick her wildflowers almost every day and make sure that she hears the words, "I love you" 20 times or more each day. She is quite pretty and we are the same age, (42 and 43). She also is a widow and it seems that she has never been an affectionate person. I am pleased that she never witholds sex, but it is so hard to get her to understand that simple sex is not enough, I go to every extent to try to find every possible way to please my wife in bed and am willing to spend as long as it takes to find ways to please her, it realy does seem to be that she has never had any real sex drive even when she was young and romance means very little to her. We cannot talk about these things, she is just not a person that talks about anything, she will listen and then just go on as if nothing ever was said. I know that for most men she would probably be considered a perfect wife, but these things are almost completely depressing to me. I have made the commitment to love my wife and will never stray but it would be nice to feel passionately desired again.


If you don't mind telling us from which Asian culture is she from?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She might not be demonstrative with affection. One of my friends is Korean and when she and her mother get together, you'd think her mom was always angry with her and picking on her. But, she loves her dearly. It's just her way.

Does she show you her love in other ways? You might want to read a little about the Five Love Languages. Some people are acts of service people, for example...if they keep you fed and clothed and the house clean, they see that kind of taking care of you as showing their love.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

justonelife said:


> 3. I wouldn't have any sex drive for someone that tells me "I love you" 20 times a day. *That's not romantic. It's smothering, needy and not at all masculine*. Sure, I want to hear "I love you" but once or twice a day is more than enough.


:iagree:


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