# Money Problems - Separated w/children



## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

My spouse and I have been separated for 2 months. Since then I've sent just under four thousand dollars (with about 1 thousand more if we include the credit card debt I've paid off) and will continue to send approximately eight hundred and forty dollars a month to support my step daughter and my newborn (she took them with her across the country). And yes after consulting with an attorney I am aware I'm not obligated to send a dime. I do so to make sure the children are not going without and that I fulfill my half of the responsibility to financially support them as their father. I believe she's only spend approximately five hundred dollars from the four thousand that I've given her. All other payments for necessities have been through my credit card.

The last time that I went to visit, my sister and I decided to throw a birthday party for both her son and my newborn. They're just 2 months apart so we planned to have them both celebrate their first birthday party together; mainly because my sister would be gone for several months about a week after which means she would not have been able to witness my daughter's first birthday. The party was great, her and I split the costs of the decorations, food, etc. We did so knowing that neither of us would have much of anything left for the rest of the month for our own sustenance and basic needs. This was because of my situation and her being a single mother of two still in the military. It goes without saying that lack of money or food has never bothered us and why would it ever when we were doing this for our children. That said, we're still recovering with ramen and eggs for two meals a day. Could be worse, right?

The current situation is: I informed my wife that I've discontinued the credit card she was authorized to use because I'm finally in a position to send the bulk amount each month; same situation with the only difference being her semi-high use of the credit card which could potentially damage credit history. I'd like to keep the use low and payments steady so that I remain financially stable to provide for the children in the future with no issues.

Upon being informed, my wife responded with wanting me to send more money in order to pay for things for the party she is throwing our daughter in a month or so. Things such as her cake, an inflatable castle, plates, napkins, etc. Normally this would not be a problem and I would love to participate except there are two issues. I currently retain about two hundred dollars a month as spending power for food or emergency. I believe my situation will get better around September because I am keeping an expense report of all my bills and transactions but it looks like it'll stay this way longer than September.

The second issue being, she sent me a message before the party my sister and I threw for our kids a few weeks back. The message said that she would not pay for any decor or anything else for the party because she would rather save the money I've sent her to pay for the party she will throw in the near future. I did not respond because I never asked her for money. I've never asked anyone for money. However this is not the first time she's mentioned this. She's said the same including: not wanting to spend the child support she receives for her first daughter; and wanting to save it all because she doesn't have a source of income but I do.

I'm not experienced in this situation and of course I genuinely would like to keep things amicable no matter how incapable my wife is of doing so. Am I doing the right thing financially? I've calculated the initial eight hundred and forty dollars a month for the cost of a newborn and added two hundred dollars extra for anything both the kids needs as well as the rest for health insurance premiums. My wife still expects me to send extra for the upcoming party and if I don't I'm more than certain she will turn around to her friends and family to again tell them how evil and non supportive I am because I won't send money and will threaten she's documenting everything.

Should I be handling our finances any differently?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Before we get into the money issue. Your post is pretty coherent and straightforward so there has to be a a good reason your Wife was legally allowed to take your kid(s) that far away and that you were ok with it?


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## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> Before we get into the money issue. Your post is pretty coherent and straightforward so there has to be a a good reason your Wife was legally allowed to take your kid(s) that far away and that you were ok with it?


I was not okay with it and we are both aware of that. She left two days after I told her we should divorce for the sake of keeping our kids in a stable environment. That was enough for her to call her mother for plane tickets and leave. She knows I didn't want them to leave but that didn't stop her.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Just read your other threads ... Good Lord, you and your family are seriously in my prayers man. 

At first thought, I think you are sending too much money. You are no good to them if you cut yourself short and cannot survive on your own. I would scale back at least enough so you are breaking even on your own each month. Getting in the negative and accruing that each month is going to compound and make matters much worse later and you won't be able to help the kids as much.


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## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> Just read your other threads ... Good Lord, you and your family are seriously in my prayers man.
> 
> At first thought, I think you are sending too much money. You are no good to them if you cut yourself short and cannot survive on your own. I would scale back at least enough so you are breaking even on your own each month. Getting in the negative and accruing that each month is going to compound and make matters much worse later and you won't be able to help the kids as much.


Thank you I really appreciate that. That does make sense. I'll have to take a look at my transaction forecast and see what the difference would be if I left a little bit more. I can say with confidence that that would cause monumental outrage in my wife to see she gets less from me each month. I would like to avoid confrontations but it seems impossible. I can send her my entire paycheck and disability and be left with nothing every month and she would pay no mind to it. I can almost guarantee she would ask for more, even.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

pseudo-nymous said:


> I was not okay with it and I did not consent. She left two days after I told her we should divorce for the sake of keeping our kids in a healthy environment. That was enough for her to call her mother for plane tickets and leave. I explained to my attorney the situation and *he never mentioned anything about that being legal or illegal*. It seemed like a normal case to him.


That seems really strange. As soon as I filed, the first thing that was done was a temp order that had things automatically like not taking kids out of home, not drinking in front of kids (we didn't do it anyway but I guess this was a big thing, not having romantic interests around kids, continuing to pay marital bills with joint account, etc)


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## pseudo-nymous (Nov 1, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> That seems really strange. As soon as I filed, the first thing that was done was a temp order that had things automatically like not taking kids out of home, not drinking in front of kids (we didn't do it anyway but I guess this was a big thing, not having romantic interests around kids, continuing to pay marital bills with joint account, etc)


I think the difference here is that I'm not able to file just yet. We're not even legally separated, just separated. The divorce will be filed eventually but until then she just said she was leaving and she left.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

pseudo-nymous said:


> I think the difference here is that I'm not able to file just yet. We're not even legally separated, just separated. The divorce will be filed eventually but until then she just said she was leaving and she left.


Makes sense.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Talk to your lawyer again tomorrow.

And stop sending her money. Let her mother pay for everything if she needs anything


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Depending on what state you live in depends on money obligations. Lawyers will use any leverage they can against you. But I think you should continue as you are see if they may be some negotiation in this too pay less without lawyers involved. Once you make a mutual agreement have a third party to verify this just in case. The more you and your wife can negotiate without lawyers it will save tons of money. Just remember divorce is different in just about every state. Here in Georgia they have no separation laws. You can leave the marriage one day and file the next. Some states require CS during separation here in Georgia a lot of grey areas lawyers try to use for tactics to persuade you to give in a deal or take it to court. This is my case Georgia has no retroactive back child support and my wife wants back child support. The deal was pretty reasonable and if I didn't agree the lawyer was going 50/50 on my 401k. Just as an example what some will maybe face.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok, without reading your other threads here's my opinion.

She left. She chose this path. You owe her nothing financially or morally. 

You need to ask your lawyer very specific questions right now. 
1) What is the legality of her taking the children? Even though you are not legally separated there may be a law against it. 
2) What are your obligations today at least as far as a judge would see it? 
3) What does it take to get legally separated, and how does that affect the divorce process and timing? 
4) Will the divorce settlement likely be based on how much $$ you send your stbxw now? 
5) Does a legal separation become the assumed baseline for the divorce settlement?

You may have already discussed these with your lawyer, but it comes across in this thread that you're taking a very casual approach to the process, just letting things happen and not getting advice or information from your lawyer.

Divorce is a business/legal event. It is not the same as you being a responsible parent to the children or being humane to your stbxw. The law is the law, and it is probably very biased against you as the man, the money earner, and the father. You need to protect yourself from the law!!! Get the best outcome you can. You can always voluntarily give more $$ for child support than the divorce settlement requires, but never less.

You know what happens when you give someone unlimited access to money? They spend it. Credit cards are even worse. You need to cut off your stbxw. You are obligated to pay the family expenses you had before she took the kids, whatever those were. Rent, utilities, car payment, etc. I gather stbxw doesn't work. But you have zero obligation to pay any of her expenses where she is now. I would not give her anything.

As to the kids, I would provide a small amount on an as-needed basis. Obviously they need to be fed, but that doesn't cost a whole lot.

One solution would be for you to send her a prepaid VISA card with some logical amount of money on it to pay for kids' food and any special things like the birthday party.

The easier you make it for her to drain your money, the more she will take. She is the one who has taken the kids away from you without your approval. She is the one who has left the family home. I am sure she is thinking that you owe her, and she is going to take as much as she can get as retribution. The potential legal ramifications are very big for you, too. At this point you should only be doing what your lawyer advises is best for you, considering the circumstances and the future divorce. Your stbxw will be consulting with an attorney on how to extract the most from you! And she may be setting you up to pay a lot more than the law otherwise requires by you paying all this money now.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Thank you for your service. 

I think you may need a new lawyer. Taking children out of state is an issue. Sending that much can be setting you up for a divorce settlement that is unfair to you. 

Why have you not legally separated? The longer this goes on, the stronger her argument for keeping things as they are (out of state, across the country, sending more than you afford). 

Send less. Your wife may be unhappy but as long as the children are being cared for, she can deal. I don't think that child support is meant to 100% support children and their parent who do not live with you. She will need to get a job. Losing the ability to be a stay at home parent is often a consequence of divorce and it is not reasonable for you to fully support 2 households. Also, check and see what the laws are since she took the children out of state against your wishes. You (I'm assuming) don't want to be in a situation where she can keep the children out of state for as long as she wants because she had them out for so long before the separation. The fact that you are eating ramen and eggs for 2 meals a day is a sign to me that you cannot continue to send that much money. 

Did you formally adopt your stepdaughter? That can also affect how much you are legally required to pay. Yes, you feel responsible for her but as someone else said, you can always send more than legally required.


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