# What if you suck in bed?



## Faithful Wife

This is a topic I would like opinions and experiences on.

What if you suck in bed?

Would you want to know, or would you rather your partner pretend they are really into it?

What if your partner sucks in bed? Do you tell them? How did you tell them and what kind of results did you get?

One of the topics I'd like to cover in an eventual book is this one. I think there is a fair amount of dead bedrooms where one (or even both) partners think the other one sucks in bed and they can't seem to communicate this, or they just refuse to.

I would like to hear people's thoughts, because one of the things people will need to be able to do if they want to achieve long term sustained mutual sexual attraction is to be able to communicate things that might hurt but which have to be addressed in order to improve.

Please note, this is not directed at one gender...both genders can suck in bed or be great in bed, and everything in between.


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## SARAHMCD

That's a tough question - I would want to know so I/we could improve, if possible, but I guess if it's something that can't be worked on (although I'm not sure what that would be - just simple chemistry being off?) then I wouldn't want to know. 

When we first started our relationship, my XH told me that I gave the best BJ's he'd ever had but not the best PIV. Then later that day he tried to backpedal but it stayed with me until this day! I asked him to be more specific - if there was something I could do better - positions, movement, etc.? He wouldn't tell me, just kept saying that I was great. A little too late right?


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## Brigit

I always thought men liked it when you sucked in bed...or on your knees?


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## Marduk

To answer the question, absolutely.

Because for me, that means I get to learn more about sex, which is pretty cool, and learn more about my wife, which is even better...

And best of all, if I go do that, I'll probably get more/better sex. Which is fantastic.

You had asked me via PM how to tell a guy if he sucks in bed, here's some of what I had to say, especially if you've tried telling him, and he's just not doing it. Whatever 'it' is.

OK.

I'm a simple guy, and I like to break things down into their component pieces.

Like Spock says in the Wrath of Khan: there are two reasons why he's not responding. Either he's unable to respond, or he's unwilling to respond.

The only thing I can think of in the 'unable' bucket is that he doesn't know how.

Don't discount this; for a man, it's almost impossible sometimes to change if we don't mechanically understand what it will entail. We're simple creatures; many of us tend to fall back on what we know. Unfortunately in this space, what most dudes know is what they saw in porn when they were 16, or got some other girl off once.

But I don't think that's what you're getting at.

You're getting at bucket 2: unwilling to respond.

That's what I meant by first assessing his ego structure. If it's really solid sexually (and most guys aren't), just straight up tell the guy that you don't like this, and to do that instead. Where that is explicitly that. No 'kinda sortas' or no 'that kind of thing.' It's straight up advice like you'd read in a car manual.

But most guys won't hear that the way it's intended. What he may hear is "you don't want me" or even worse, "you've had other guys that were better." Never, ever, ever even hint to one of those guys that you've had a guy that was better/bigger/turned you on more. Never ever. I've had that happen, and it sucks.

For that guy, start with what works. Honey, I really like it when you're a little big aggressive with me. Can you do that a little bit more, and I'll tell you if it hurts so you don't have to worry about taking it too far.

Or take it from one of your past experiences that was memorable. "I really get turned on thinking about that one time I went topless when we were in Mexico. Do you think we could fool around outside a bit in a private spot?"

If it's specific ways of being touched, I learned (and still learn) a lot when she touches herself and I watch. It's like real life porn, but educational!

If none of that works, I suggest bribery.

Seriously. Not a covert contract thing, an overt contract thing. A (ahem) tit for tat thing. If there's always been this thing that he wants... maybe now it's time for you to bend a little. If he does your thing, first. Even make a game of that... tonight's my thing, tomorrow night's your thing.

What none of that works on is guys (or girls) that are only in it for themselves, and I suspect that those people are not only that way in the sack. It could be a cultural thing, or it could just be that he's an *******.

Is that getting closer?


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## Faithful Wife

Great answer, marduk.

Brigit...oh BEhave.


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## Julius Beastcavern

I would definitely like to be told, sooner rather than later and it would have to be pretty blunt and to the point


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## ConanHub

I am for giving and receiving instructions. I am a very good student. &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife

Ok something I've observed is that people who are more sexual tend to be better at taking instruction and constructive criticism. Because they already prioritize sex higher than other people, they leave their ego at the door when it comes to getting better at sex. I have no idea if this is true across the board, though, it has just been my observation.


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## Runs like Dog

Helpful or just b^itchery? Trust me I hear enough complaints about everything else. One more is not going to magically solve anything. So be careful your tone, choice of words and general approach. Or prepare to hear 'you suck at cooking, parenting, or one of 10 other things..' Bet that stings, eh?


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## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok something I've observed is that people who are more sexual tend to be better at taking instruction and constructive criticism. Because they already prioritize sex higher than other people, they leave their ego at the door when it comes to getting better at sex. I have no idea if this is true across the board, though, it has just been my observation.


Here's the thing.

For people that are sexual, and have explored and internalized their sexuality, it's a playground.

What happens if someone puts a new toy on the playground? You run up and you play with it!

For people that sex is something 'other' or 'shameful' or 'icky' or misunderstood or they've been with crappy partners...

It's a minefield. And what happens if you add a mine to the minefield...

You run the other way.


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## Faithful Wife

marduk said:


> For people that sex is something 'other' or 'shameful' or 'icky' or misunderstood or they've been with crappy partners...
> 
> It's a minefield. And what happens if you add a mine to the minefield...
> 
> You run the other way.


I would agree that it appears lack of shame surrounding sex also helps a person receive constructive criticism and putting it to use.


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## Julius Beastcavern

I had a girlfriend who was crap in bed and I was on the point of telling her straight out when it dawned on me it was all my fault (hope JLD isn't reading) 

I had had loads of partners and she had been a virgin so instead of blowing up I gently pushed her boundaries. When she got good, REALLY good, we split up and the next guy she met must of thought she was manna from heaven Not sure what the moral of the story is


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## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> I would agree that it appears lack of shame surrounding sex also helps a person receive constructive criticism and putting it to use.


Also having it be fully integrated into their ego-structure and not have their ego-structure be reliant on it.

I.e. I can be bad at doing X but I still see myself as a wicked lay.

Or I need to be a better lay but I'm wicked hot, smart, or whatever.

Many, many, MANY dudes are stuck in the lockerroom trying to convince everyone including themselves that they have the biggest swinging ****, know exactly how to please a woman just naturally, and all that.

When really they are just trying to convince themselves.

And I've had the pleasure of bringing a few women out of their shells, sexually... and that's pretty damn cool. Even if you're not the guy that's actually doing that, seeing women reclaim their sexuality -- it's something sacred and profound, you know?


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## Faithful Wife

Julius Beastcavern said:


> I had a girlfriend who was crap in bed and I was on the point of telling her straight out when it dawned on me it was all my fault (hope JLD isn't reading)
> 
> I had had loads of partners and she had been a virgin so instead of blowing up I gently pushed her boundaries. When she got good, REALLY good, we split up and the next guy she met must of thought she was manna from heaven Not sure what the moral of the story is


I think that's one way a lot of people get better at sex. More experience with experienced partners.


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## Faithful Wife

marduk said:


> And I've had the pleasure of bringing a few women out of their shells, sexually... and that's pretty damn cool. Even if you're not the guy that's actually doing that, seeing women reclaim their sexuality -- it's something sacred and profound, you know?


I've heard from some highly sexual guys that they don't like to bother with this, they have done it and it was fun, but they now want someone who is sexually self aware and assertive. Sometimes drawing someone out is exhausting and you don't actually get to express YOUR real self, you are just busy focused on THEM.


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## Julius Beastcavern

Faithful Wife said:


> I think that's one way a lot of people get better at sex. More experience with experienced partners.


I've never had a more experienced partner so had to learn by trial and error. I look back on some of things I used to do I thought must be really sexy and think why didn't you say something you poor woman


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## Faithful Wife

Julius Beastcavern said:


> I've never had a more experienced partner so had to learn by trial and error. I look back on some of things I used to do I thought must be really sexy and think why didn't you say something you poor woman


Ah, sexual self awareness in hindsight.


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## Brigit

marduk said:


> Also having it be fully integrated into their ego-structure and not have their ego-structure be reliant on it.
> 
> I.e. I can be bad at doing X but I still see myself as a wicked lay.
> 
> Or I need to be a better lay but I'm wicked hot, smart, or whatever.
> 
> Many, many, MANY dudes are stuck in the lockerroom trying to convince everyone including themselves that they have the biggest swinging ****, know exactly how to please a woman just naturally, and all that.
> 
> When really they are just trying to convince themselves.
> 
> And I've had the pleasure of bringing a few women out of their shells, sexually... and that's pretty damn cool. Even if you're not the guy that's actually doing that, seeing women reclaim their sexuality -- it's something sacred and profound, you know?


Thanks Marduk...now I'm all excited. WTF am I suppose to do with that????:scratchhead:

(I going back to cleaning.)


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## Julius Beastcavern

Faithful Wife said:


> Ah, sexual self awareness in hindsight.


Yep, I much prefer my wifes way of saying "I don't like that, I like it like this..."


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## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> I've heard from some highly sexual guys that they don't like to bother with this, they have done it and it was fun, but they now want someone who is sexually self aware and assertive. Sometimes drawing someone out is exhausting and you don't actually get to express YOUR real self, you are just busy focused on THEM.


I agree it would be a crappy lifestyle choice.

But it's a pretty sweet ego-trip.


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## Runs like Dog

what if I do? or what if someone else does? Oh wait, I don't care either way.


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## Marduk

Brigit said:


> Thanks Marduk...now I'm all excited. WTF am I suppose to do with that????:scratchhead:
> 
> (I going back to cleaning.)


Go put on "I touch myself" by the Divinyls on the stereo. 

Loud. On repeat. 

The rest will take care of itself.

That song is like, the bomb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

I have caused a ruckus over my husband NOT being able to get more aggressive with me (at times).... this is something I never cared about, even thought about until we were married 19 years... I was always satisfied .. never complained.. always told him he was a good lover..(even if we were pretty vanilla by others standards)... We always climaxed together.. with an affectionate "afterglow"... what else did I need ! 

Then Mid Life Hit.. I was on some SEXUAL HIGH -like something hi-jacked my mind.. and body... I suddenly wanted to experience EVERYTHING we NEVER tried.. which was plenty... I wanted to SHAKE THINGS UP [email protected]#.... 

I felt like I was "Leading" all the spice, the new novelty.. this would GET TO ME at times....then I would unleash on him... I tried a # of ways to encourage, wrote things on snippets of paper- putting them in a







-getting ideas off of the net, this forum even.... that he could surprise me with..... we read pages of books together.. but he still struggled to take "*that lead"* the way I wanted him to...

He is the "slow hand easy touch" lover... There are certain things I will never get out of him.. no matter how much I might fantasize doing.. 

But this is not to say he SUCKS.. I would be more apt to say....I can be a difficult one to please when I get something in my head & I want it.. I will go out of my way, leave no stone unturned to make it happen.... it took me a while to realize... these are just "horny" WANTS... not NEEDS by any means.. so it was time to shut up.. Our Loving was always something amazing.. 

He tried.. that's all I can ask for.. If he pushed me away though.... it wouldn't have been good..

For wanting to know.. I would vote.. ALWAYS.. I think no matter what the issue is ... there is always "A WAY" to bring it across -1st showing how much you love this person.. and how deeply you want to go forth together to enhance BOTH of your experiences.. although I had some bad moments.. loosing my temper on him... the vast majority were in *that spirit*...the loving, giving , encouraging spirit...I am sure this is WHY he never shut down on me, or pushed me away... ...he remained there for me - even when I was pushing his limits ...


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## brownmale

Faithful Wife said:


> I would agree that it appears lack of shame surrounding sex also helps a person receive constructive criticism and putting it to use.


I see it more complex than just a lack of shame. To me, what makes the difference is:

-- Humility and willingness to learn.
-- Not having a big ego.
-- Depends on how the partner teaches.

In one of my relationships, my partner was a teacher. She had the best way of egging me on with praise. I ended up feeling like a giant in bed!

Compare this to people who say "don't this... don't that".


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## Faithful Wife

brownmale said:


> In one of my relationships, my partner was a teacher. She had the best way of egging me on with praise. I ended up feeling like a giant in bed!
> 
> Compare this to people who say "don't this... don't that".


Can you describe how she did this?

Use fake specifics if you want (ie: we don't need to know what you weren't doing right or whatever, I just want to know what she said and how she said it that was effective but also made you feel like a giant in bed).


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## ConanHub

Brigit said:


> Thanks Marduk...now I'm all excited. WTF am I suppose to do with that????:scratchhead:
> 
> (I going back to cleaning.)


LOL!! &#55357;&#56835;&#55357;&#56836;&#55357;&#56834;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

Faithful Wife said:


> Can you describe how she did this?
> 
> Use fake specifics if you want (ie: we don't need to know what you weren't doing right or whatever, I just want to know what she said and how she said it that was effective but also made you feel like a giant in bed).


Yup. This is good. Please, elaborate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pragmaster

If I sucked in bed, I'd want my partner to tell me. 

In fact, even when I know I don't suck in bed, I like to double check and ask things like

"how does this feel"

"do you prefer it faster or slower, or like this?"

I think communication is critical. It's not all luck. It's not all skill either. My ex-wife taught me some things women like that I will forever thank her for. (taking it slow, general teasing, nibbling, kissing the neck, a little domination, kissing ears, etc...). There is a lot to learn!

I think the biggest make/break is not even sex itself...but the passion! 

Often I find myself not lasting too long with certain partners. I think that the fact I am so turned on by them negates the fact, to some extent. 

Passion passion passion. And if you suck at sex, learn how to give oral. It's a skill anyone can master. Although I must say, perhaps I am easy to please. The only "bad sex" I have ever had was with a condom. I hate those things.


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## Big Dude

Faithful Wife said:


> What if you suck in bed?
> 
> Would you want to know, or would you rather your partner pretend they are really into it?


Of course I would want to know. Authentic feedback is essential if the sexual relationship is to have any chance of being mutually satisfying in the long run. Since people have widely variable sexual responses I must understand that sexual moves that are mind blowingly successful with one partner may well be a serious turn off for another.

As such, I would classify any person who provides inauthentic feedback (e.g. faked orgasms) as sucking in bed far more than the partner who fails to satisfy the other.

As to the best way to communicate this, I suggest complete honesty. Be as affirming as you want, but core honesty is essential if a good sex life is the objective.


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## Marduk

pragmaster said:


> If I sucked in bed, I'd want my partner to tell me.
> 
> In fact, even when I know I don't suck in bed, I like to double check and ask things like
> 
> "how does this feel"
> 
> "do you prefer it faster or slower, or like this?"
> 
> I think communication is critical. It's not all luck. It's not all skill either. My ex-wife taught me some things women like that I will forever thank her for. (taking it slow, general teasing, nibbling, kissing the neck, a little domination, kissing ears, etc...). There is a lot to learn!
> 
> I think the biggest make/break is not even sex itself...but the passion!
> 
> Often I find myself not lasting too long with certain partners. I think that the fact I am so turned on by them negates the fact, to some extent.
> 
> Passion passion passion. And if you suck at sex, learn how to give oral. It's a skill anyone can master. Although I must say, perhaps I am easy to please. The only "bad sex" I have ever had was with a condom. I hate those things.


The only bad BJ is an unenthusiastic one.


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## pragmaster

marduk said:


> The only bad BJ is an unenthusiastic one.


To each their own. 

Maybe I am more picky, but...:

-If she can't deepthroat, doesn't swallow, and bites/teeth touch, meh. Not a bad one per say, just not really that good. 

-Too much hand, grip or not enough also affects the experience.

-Tongue piercings, or too much pressure can makes things worse before better.

-Eye contact is also important. 

-Girls who just whack it like it's a meat stick thinking it gets guys off. 

-Awkward positions of general sorts. 


I've had far more bad ones than good ones.


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## SecondTime'Round

pragmaster said:


> To each their own.
> 
> Maybe I am more picky, but...:
> 
> -*If she can't deepthroat, doesn't swallow, *and bites/teeth touch, meh. Not a bad one per say, just not really that good.
> 
> -Too much hand, grip or not enough also affects the experience.
> 
> -Tongue piercings, or too much pressure can makes things worse before better.
> 
> -Eye contact is also important.
> 
> -Girls who just whack it like it's a meat stick thinking it gets guys off.
> 
> -Awkward positions of general sorts.
> 
> 
> I've had far more bad ones than good ones.


Can *you *imagine swallowing a huge squirt/mouthful of semen?


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## ConanHub

SecondTime'Round said:


> Can *you *imagine swallowing a huge squirt/mouthful of semen?


Mrs. Conan would need circus training to deepthroat. She is a small woman. She does pretty good anyway.&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

I try to be both a good teacher and student. I have never been shy about saying what I like. My personal experience is that I've had to ask more questions of women than I have gotten straight forward direction. Either way is fine as long as they communicate what they like.

I don't like faking and prefer we make things work for both of us. I have never had a woman who I couldn't make climax over time. Sometimes it's just about taking your time and having a strong tounge 

All this said it seems that their is this intangible that happens with some people. You just connect better with them than others sexually. No idea why. It's frustrating to find someone you have amazing sexual chemistry with but can't find common ground in a relationship and the reverse is true as well. Finding both in one person would be a jackpot!


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## committed_guy

Faithful Wife said:


> One of the topics I'd like to cover in an eventual book is this one. I think there is a fair amount of dead bedrooms where one (or even both) partners think the other one sucks in bed and they can't seem to communicate this, or they just refuse to.
> 
> I would like to hear people's thoughts, because one of the things people will need to be able to do if they want to achieve long term sustained mutual sexual attraction is to be able to communicate things that might hurt but which have to be addressed in order to improve.


What a wonderful quote.

This is exactly my wife and I right now. She sucks in bed (figuratively). And she won't let me talk about it outside of bed because she thinks that is weird. 

It has definitely made me not want it as much with her and she has shut the door to the possibility of helping to fix it. 

For us I think the communication problem is causing the bad sex. But her issues with sex is causing the bad communication with me. I don't know the way around that one.


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## Muse1976

marduk said:


> The only bad BJ is an unenthusiastic one.


Bullsh!t That's like saying the only bad sex is unenthusiastic sex, and there are probably many many people who would argue that one.


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## Adeline

Ya know, I've always wondered, and continue to as I read this thread, what exactly makes someone "bad in bed"? There were very very few specific examples in this. It'd be interesting/helpful if people gave actual examples 

I think about my soon to be ex husband... was he good or bad in bed? Well, he wasn't aggressive enough with me, he didn't like to give or receive oral after we got married, and wasn't into trying out other positions besides missionary and OCCASIONALLY doggie. And sex was always over in like 10 minutes. So does this mean he was "bad"? He always did make sure I got off... but sex wasn't too exciting other than the connection it brought at the time. Does this constitute as "bad in bed" or is it something else?

Has me curious


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
I'll take the middle ground. If I were bad in bed, I'd like to be told / shown how I could be better, without ever actually being told how bad I was. 

Since I always want to improve, there is no real need to let me know how bad a place I might be starting from.


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## Faithful Wife

Bugged said:


> I don't need him to tell me I'm crap in bed. *I know it already*.


Wow, do tell. Is this self-deprecation? Or are you being silly? Or...why do you think you're crap in bed?


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## Faithful Wife

Adeline said:


> Ya know, I've always wondered, and continue to as I read this thread, what exactly makes someone "bad in bed"? There were very very few specific examples in this. It'd be interesting/helpful if people gave actual examples
> 
> I think about my soon to be ex husband... was he good or bad in bed? Well, he wasn't aggressive enough with me, he didn't like to give or receive oral after we got married, and wasn't into trying out other positions besides missionary and OCCASIONALLY doggie. And sex was always over in like 10 minutes. So does this mean he was "bad"? He always did make sure I got off... but sex wasn't too exciting other than the connection it brought at the time. Does this constitute as "bad in bed" or is it something else?
> 
> Has me curious


Your answer is curious.

Was he bad? In answering this question, you are the only one who can judge. If the connection made it good even though technically it might not be that great, then maybe it was totally good. But that's up to you and no one else. If it doesn't ring true as "bad in bed" then it probably wasn't.

What you are describing sounds - to me - like a lack of passion. To me, lack of passion and bad in bed are not the same thing.

Are they to you?


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## Brigit

So I sucked in bed last night and I was right. Men do like it.


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## Adeline

Faithful Wife said:


> Your answer is curious.
> 
> Was he bad? In answering this question, you are the only one who can judge. If the connection made it good even though technically it might not be that great, then maybe it was totally good. But that's up to you and no one else. If it doesn't ring true as "bad in bed" then it probably wasn't.
> 
> What you are describing sounds - to me - like a lack of passion. To me, lack of passion and bad in bed are not the same thing.
> 
> Are they to you?


hmmmm I don't really know! haha. Whenever I imagined "bad in bed" I always pictured 2 extremes... either the person just lies there like a cold fish and does nothing not even touching their partner or at least writhing whilst the partner is on top, or the other end of the spectrum where you are trying to do TOO much moving and shifting and make it either painful or just awkward and uncomfortable. Like someone who is super enthusiastic about dancing like crazy but they aren't that good at it 

Is this usually the 2 things people mean? But yeah, lack of passion would be a good way to have described it. Though me almost always getting off was a plus I know not everyone gets. And yet it was fairly boring sex. 

Now I kind of wonder if I'M bad in bed! I wouldn't want someone to tell me that straight up, but instead to tell me (actually, I'd probably ask them this fairly early on!) what it is they like. Favorite positions, what they like their partner to do or touch while they are doing various things themselves (kiss your neck? rub your back? smack your ass?), the different methods that they prefer (like when it comes to blow jobs and how there are some preferences and dislikes). I'd definitely like to know what they like! I have a few preferences myself that most men probably wouldn't assume is the case by default.

Maybe not adapting to the others variable preferences is what can cause one to be bad in bed?!


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## Adeline

pragmaster said:


> To each their own.
> 
> Maybe I am more picky, but...:
> 
> *doesn't swallow*.


k so... maybe this has been addressed around these parts or in the sex section, not sure... and not sure if I should make a thread alone for it, but is there REALLY a difference between spit and swallow? Or is there just a difference between whether or not the woman allows the man to come in her mouth? Because to me... whether or not you spit or swallow, you still get to finish in her mouth during the blow job! I've always wondered about this. I get that some men could have an extra thing for a woman who would swallow as opposed to spit and find that hot, but generally do ALL men feel that way?! Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?! I've just heard of some men complain that they couldn't finish in their partners mouth... so what she did with it afterwards probably wouldn't matter, they'd be happy that they just could in the first place!


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## askari

Being honest...I think I probably do 'suck' in bed now. I don't think I would make a particulalry good lover these days.

Although I was never a 60 minute stud, I held my ground with GF's and made sure they had as much fun and enjoyment as I did.

Then I met my wife...sex was OK in the beginning but post children she just lost all interest in it and wasn't interested in me.
On teh rare occasion that she did want it it was as if I had to get in there and do the deed as fast as possible incase she changed her mind and kicked me out...as has happened.

I haven't had sex for..??....3+ years now. Its not going to happen with my wife as she now actually turns me off so it would have to be with someone else....and because its been so long I don't think I would last very long!
But I am a gentleman so would make sure she saw the flashing lights too!


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## askari

Adeline said:


> k so... maybe this has been addressed around these parts or in the sex section, not sure... and not sure if I should make a thread alone for it, but is there REALLY a difference between spit and swallow? Or is there just a difference between whether or not the woman allows the man to come in her mouth? Because to me... whether or not you spit or swallow, you still get to finish in her mouth during the blow job! I've always wondered about this. I get that some men could have an extra thing for a woman who would swallow as opposed to spit and find that hot, but generally do ALL men feel that way?! Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?! I've just heard of some men complain that they couldn't finish in their partners mouth... so what she did with it afterwards probably wouldn't matter, they'd be happy that they just could in the first place!


Previous GF's have done both (my wife has never 'blown' me atall) to me. 
Whether she spat or swallowed, yes the result was the same; I came in her mouth. 
But spitting is like saying 'yuk, I don't want your 'seed' in my mouth'...as she runs to teh bathroom.

Swallowing is like her saying that she accepts your seed (gift) in her mouth....
Whilst just cumming in her mouth is great I would prefer she swallowed.

Ummm...maybe I will get to do the above again before my time is up.....


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## Runs like Dog

Back before the discovery of fire when we still had sex, my wife was almost proudly bad at it. Heroically bad. Like those electronic Barbie's that say "Math is hard, I'm a girl!"

And no not everything in life is a 'teachable moment' because most people I think are un-teachable.


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## Thor

Yes, I'd want to be told in a positive way if there are things I could do better. "More over that way" "Keep doing it like that" "I'm one of those weird people who just doesn't get going from that" "Try it like this". Avoid the negative statements as much as possible.

It took me a while to figure out my wife was faking orgasm during PIV. PIV apparently just doesn't do much for her, so when she got bored she'd start faking to help me come faster. What a turn off for me! I'd much rather she talk to me about what she does like, and we could try some different positions or motions to see if it is more fun for her.

Sex is about having fun together, so if one isn't having fun there is little reason to do it. Over time, one can't keep fooling the other that everything is ok. So the sooner the couple starts working on improving in bed, the sooner they'll have more fun.


----------



## Fozzy

I'd love some feedback, either way.


----------



## arbitrator

Brigit said:


> I always thought men liked it when you sucked in bed...or on your knees?


* Oh, Brigit... I love you!*


----------



## Marduk

Muse1976 said:


> Bullsh!t That's like saying the only bad sex is unenthusiastic sex, and there are probably many many people who would argue that one.


I would say that, too.

I guess I'm more flexible in what I want her to do, maybe because I'm more clear in how to be made happy.

I'm pretty easy to make happy, and I'm pretty good at making sure I'm happy in the sack.

I don't need specific things every time to fit into the mold of 'good.'


----------



## Marduk

Adeline said:


> k so... maybe this has been addressed around these parts or in the sex section, not sure... and not sure if I should make a thread alone for it, but is there REALLY a difference between spit and swallow? Or is there just a difference between whether or not the woman allows the man to come in her mouth? Because to me... whether or not you spit or swallow, you still get to finish in her mouth during the blow job! I've always wondered about this. I get that some men could have an extra thing for a woman who would swallow as opposed to spit and find that hot, but generally do ALL men feel that way?! Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?! I've just heard of some men complain that they couldn't finish in their partners mouth... so what she did with it afterwards probably wouldn't matter, they'd be happy that they just could in the first place!


For me, as I said, it's having her be into it.

If she spits it out because she's clearly grossed out about the whole thing, that's a bummer.

Imagine a dude going down on you, avoiding all your secretions, and getting up to wash himself off and rinse out his mouth after because he was grossed out by the whole thing.

Boys and girls both secrete. Boys just tend to do most of it all at once.


----------



## Faithful Wife

marduk said:


> For me, as I said, it's having her be into it.
> 
> If she spits it out because she's clearly grossed out about the whole thing, that's a bummer.
> 
> Imagine a dude going down on you, avoiding all your secretions, and getting up to wash himself off and rinse out his mouth after because he was grossed out by the whole thing.
> 
> Boys and girls both secrete. Boys just tend to do most of it all at once.


Sorry, no. Have done both, it isn't the same at all.

Not saying some women don't love it....but it is not even CLOSE to being the same type of thing if you are the giver.


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening Adeline
Really drifting off topic, but the answer depends completely on the man. Some don't care. For some finishing in the mouth is important, but swallowing isn't. For some swallowing is important. For some it doesn't matter a lot. Its really just a sort of fetish. 

In my case, finishing in the mouth is important, swallowing doesn't matter at all. Just a fetish, no explanation possible. 

Drifting back to topic - this is why its important to let your partner know what you like - different people like different things and it can be impossible to guess.



Adeline said:


> k so... maybe this has been addressed around these parts or in the sex section, not sure... and not sure if I should make a thread alone for it, but is there REALLY a difference between spit and swallow? Or is there just a difference between whether or not the woman allows the man to come in her mouth? Because to me... whether or not you spit or swallow, you still get to finish in her mouth during the blow job! I've always wondered about this. I get that some men could have an extra thing for a woman who would swallow as opposed to spit and find that hot, but generally do ALL men feel that way?! Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?! I've just heard of some men complain that they couldn't finish in their partners mouth... so what she did with it afterwards probably wouldn't matter, they'd be happy that they just could in the first place!


----------



## optimalprimus

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have caused a ruckus over my husband NOT being able to get more aggressive with me (at times).... this is something I never cared about, even thought about until we were married 19 years... I was always satisfied .. never complained.. always told him he was a good lover..(even if we were pretty vanilla by others standards)... We always climaxed together.. with an affectionate "afterglow"... what else did I need !
> 
> Then Mid Life Hit.. I was on some SEXUAL HIGH -like something hi-jacked my mind.. and body... I suddenly wanted to experience EVERYTHING we NEVER tried.. which was plenty... I wanted to SHAKE THINGS UP [email protected]#....
> 
> I felt like I was "Leading" all the spice, the new novelty.. this would GET TO ME at times....then I would unleash on him... I tried a # of ways to encourage, wrote things on snippets of paper- putting them in a
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -getting ideas off of the net, this forum even.... that he could surprise me with..... we read pages of books together.. but he still struggled to take "*that lead"* the way I wanted him to...
> 
> He is the "slow hand easy touch" lover... There are certain things I will never get out of him.. no matter how much I might fantasize doing..
> 
> But this is not to say he SUCKS.. I would be more apt to say....I can be a difficult one to please when I get something in my head & I want it.. I will go out of my way, leave no stone unturned to make it happen.... it took me a while to realize... these are just "horny" WANTS... not NEEDS by any means.. so it was time to shut up.. Our Loving was always something amazing..
> 
> He tried.. that's all I can ask for.. If he pushed me away though.... it wouldn't have been good..
> 
> For wanting to know.. I would vote.. ALWAYS.. I think no matter what the issue is ... there is always "A WAY" to bring it across -1st showing how much you love this person.. and how deeply you want to go forth together to enhance BOTH of your experiences.. although I had some bad moments.. loosing my temper on him... the vast majority were in *that spirit*...the loving, giving , encouraging spirit...I am sure this is WHY he never shut down on me, or pushed me away... ...he remained there for me - even when I was pushing his limits ...


this post is why SA is one of my fave posters. generosity and honesty combined.

I worry about being a good lover. my wife always has multiple Os but she is reluctant to say what she might want. I hope its cos she is getting it good.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry, no. Have done both, it isn't the same at all.
> 
> Not saying some women don't love it....but it is not even CLOSE to being the same type of thing if you are the giver.


Go on.

Because I just don't see it.


----------



## RandomDude

Faithful Wife said:


> This is a topic I would like opinions and experiences on.
> 
> What if you suck in bed?


If it was my wife who was unimpressed with my performance then I'm all ears for improvement. If it was a casual encounter I move on.

However, ex-wife was nuts, I simply couldn't perform up to her expectations especially by the 3rd routine fk of the day (she was very HD)



> Would you want to know, or would you rather your partner pretend they are really into it?


Definitely prefer to know, they say ignorance is bliss, but not knowing is not learning.



> What if your partner sucks in bed? Do you tell them?


Yes, if anything one of my traits has always been "brutal honesty"



> How did you tell them and what kind of results did you get?


Some were hurt despite how much I cushioned the blow, others were attentive, and appreciated the transparency. With my FWBs, I encouraged the transparency and many times, including my last FWB - the sex ended up very satisfying.



> One of the topics I'd like to cover in an eventual book is this one. I think there is a fair amount of dead bedrooms where one (or even both) partners think the other one sucks in bed and they can't seem to communicate this, or they just refuse to.
> 
> I would like to hear people's thoughts, because one of the things people will need to be able to do if they want to achieve long term sustained mutual sexual attraction is to be able to communicate things that might hurt but which have to be addressed in order to improve.
> 
> Please note, this is not directed at one gender...both genders can suck in bed or be great in bed, and everything in between.


Communication is everything from my personal experience. I've been with enough partners to know that while sexual chemistry is important and not everyone is compatible, communication can fill in the gaps. 

Also why when it came to non-committed relationships I prefered FWBs rather than ONSs, as it gave us both time to learn each other's triggers, turn ons, preferences, etc.

The trick is not to take these things personally


----------



## morituri

Faithful Wife said:


> they leave their ego at the door when it comes to getting better at sex..


You are correct Faithful Wife.


----------



## Faithful Wife

marduk said:


> Go on.
> 
> Because I just don't see it.


Um....I don't...I can't even....well, um.....start with swallowing your own load. Which won't count because it won't be the same as real time but....do that and then tell me your thoughts. Then I can explain more.

If you are just yanking my chain to make me say this, that's mean though. I hope that isn't the case.

I feel it might be though because...how can you not simply visualize and imagine the difference? :scratchhead:


----------



## RandomDude

Ex-wife loved to swallow, and she also used it to gauge my health. Taste, complexion can vary with diet apparently. Never liked that she swallowed actually.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

Faithful Wife said:


> Um....I don't...I can't even....well, um.....start with swallowing your own load. Which won't count because it won't be the same as real time but....do that and then tell me your thoughts. Then I can explain more.
> 
> If you are just yanking my chain to make me say this, that's mean though. I hope that isn't the case.
> 
> *I feel it might be though because...how can you not simply visualize and imagine the difference?* :scratchhead:


I didn't really get the impression he was yanking your chain, but then I'm not always perceptive.

I think that there are just very, very few people who have experience with both and he was just curious.


----------



## lucy999

RandomDude said:


> Never liked that she swallowed actually.


Why?


----------



## RandomDude

Because I prefered to kiss / makeout after sex but I don't like it when my own juice is fed to my mouth.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Um....I don't...I can't even....well, um.....start with swallowing your own load. Which won't count because it won't be the same as real time but....do that and then tell me your thoughts. Then I can explain more.
> 
> If you are just yanking my chain to make me say this, that's mean though. I hope that isn't the case.
> 
> I feel it might be though because...how can you not simply visualize and imagine the difference? :scratchhead:


I'm not yanking your chain at all.

In fact, I never really thought about it this way until I was listening to one of Savage's podcasts and he said it -- and that was from the perspective of a gay guy.

And he's pretty right, I think. I mean, at least when I do it to a woman, I get pretty covered. It's just over a slower amount of time, not all at once.

My point is to offer to women that are grossed out by a guy's load... imagine if he was grossed out by your juices.

And what I find fascinating as well is that the female secretions are pretty analogous to the male's, minus sperm. Which is really only 2-5% of it.

I guess I liken it to the difference between how males and females sweat. As in, males 'sweat' and females 'perspire' and it's the difference between being gross and stinky, and 'glowing.'

At the end of the day, if you don't want him to be grossed out by your juices down there, you better give the same respect back.


----------



## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Um....I don't...I can't even....well, um.....start with swallowing your own load. Which won't count because it won't be the same as real time but....do that and then tell me your thoughts. Then I can explain more.
> 
> If you are just yanking my chain to make me say this, that's mean though. I hope that isn't the case.
> 
> I feel it might be though because...how can you not simply visualize and imagine the difference? :scratchhead:


I can certainly accept that oral on a man vs on a woman are different to the point of not being analogous. I won't accept the conventional wisdom of a bj being more sacrificial in nature however.


----------



## Faithful Wife

samyeagar said:


> I can certainly accept that oral on a man vs on a woman are different to the point of not being analogous. I won't accept the conventional wisdom of a bj being more sacrificial in nature however.


Oh yeah I didn't mean anything like your last sentence. No. (That's "conventional wisdom"?)

I just meant the load.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but a man's load all at once is a lot like a huge amount of snot. The taste can vary, sometimes ok, sometimes horrible...but the consistency and amount and viscosity is the thing that makes it a LOT different.

A woman's secretions are more like tasty rain water with a dash of pheromones. Sometimes the thicker stuff has a more acidic taste and viscosity but still, NOTHING like two tablespoons of snot.

In all honesty....I wish the amount and consistency of a man's load was something I liked, because to me it would just plain be fun to do it to completion and then lick my lips with pleasure. Sadly, it just isn't like that...I have to fight and fight my body to not run away when I know it is getting close, because of past horrible moments that actually caused vomiting.

I wish I could get past all of that, and have tried.

However, I have no problem with his load itself, just not all in my mouth all at once...the stuff itself is lovely, I play with it and rub it all over myself sometimes. The taste is fine, too (with him, not everyone). But the quantity and texture...that's something else.

Some people are fine eating things like oysters and if that kind of texture doesn't bother you, it is a lot different.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh yeah I didn't mean anything like your last sentence. No. (That's "conventional wisdom"?)
> 
> I just meant the load.
> 
> I'm sorry to be blunt, but a man's load all at once is a lot like a huge amount of snot. The taste can vary, sometimes ok, sometimes horrible...but the consistency and amount and viscosity is the thing that makes it a LOT different.
> 
> A woman's secretions are more like tasty rain water with a dash of pheromones. Sometimes the thicker stuff has a more acidic taste and viscosity but still, NOTHING like two tablespoons of snot.
> 
> In all honesty....I wish the amount and consistency of a man's load was something I liked, because to me it would just plain be fun to do it to completion and then lick my lips with pleasure. Sadly, it just isn't like that...I have to fight and fight my body to not run away when I know it is getting close, because of past horrible moments that actually caused vomiting.
> 
> I wish I could get past all of that, and have tried.
> 
> However, I have no problem with his load itself, just not all in my mouth all at once...the stuff itself is lovely, I play with it and rub it all over myself sometimes. The taste is fine, too (with him, not everyone). But the quantity and texture...that's something else.
> 
> Some people are fine eating things like oysters and if that kind of texture doesn't bother you, it is a lot different.


Oh, I'm hip to all that.

My point is that you can treat that in a way that isn't grossed out by the whole thing, and yet respectful of not wanting to go certain places with it.


----------



## Brigit

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm sorry to be blunt, but a man's load all at once is a lot like a huge amount of snot. The taste can vary, sometimes ok, sometimes horrible...but the consistency and amount and viscosity is the thing that makes it a LOT different.


:rofl:

I've never though of it like that.


----------



## Faithful Wife

marduk said:


> Oh, I'm hip to all that.
> 
> My point is that you can treat that in a way that isn't grossed out by the whole thing, and yet respectful of not wanting to go certain places with it.


Oh yeah I'm never grossed out by it. I love him so much that way! And he also never expects swallowing, he knows it is difficult for a lot of women (not because it is horrible just because the body wants to reject it and you gag). It's all good, I love his spunk, just not all of it at once. He's dreamy and it is a magic moment, every time.

Mine still tastes better, though.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh yeah I'm never grossed out by it. I love him so much that way! And he also never expects swallowing, he knows it is difficult for a lot of women (not because it is horrible just because the body wants to reject it and you gag). It's all good, I love his spunk, just not all of it at once. He's dreamy and it is a magic moment, every time.
> 
> Mine still tastes better, though.


Groovy.

My point is to be aware, consciously, of what you think about that, what hangups you have about that, and line that up with what you want from him.

Female sexual secretions are primarily mucous (snot) and a major component of it actually comes from bacteria in the vagina.

The human machine can be beautiful or disgusting, depending on how you look at it.

A playground or a minefield.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Have you actually tried it, though? I'm not talking about hangups, I'm talking about the reality of swallowing 2 tablespoons of snot at once. It really doesn't mean someone has hang ups if they can't do this. And no one should ask someone else to do something they haven't done themselves (at least as much as possible, which isn't the same as real time, as I already said).


----------



## Brigit

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you actually tried it, though? I'm not talking about hangups, I'm talking about the reality of swallowing 2 tablespoons of snot at once.


I'll admit I've never swallowed 2 tablespoons of snot at once nor have I ever wanted to do so.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I meant that a man can see what this is like by swallowing his own load. Even though that still isn't really what it is like...but close enough.

And hey, lots of guys have actually done this, it isn't a big deal.

I'm just saying, if someone hasn't done it, they really shouldn't think they can tell someone else they should do it and/or like it.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> I meant that a man can see what this is like by swallowing his own load. Even though that still isn't really what it is like...but close enough.
> 
> And hey, lots of guys have actually done this, it isn't a big deal.
> 
> I'm just saying, if someone hasn't done it, they really shouldn't think they can tell someone else they should do it and/or like it.


My point isn't that.

My point is don't simultaneously say that a guy's load is disgusting, and expect him to go down on you like Jim Belushi on a bbq beef rib.

And from my personal perspective I've had women be just like that, and hence only had sex with them once.

I'm sure there's plenty of situations are the same, but reversed.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

I can't tell you how many times I've actually gagged while reading this thread.


----------



## Marduk

SecondTime'Round said:


> I can't tell you how many times I've actually gagged while reading this thread.


Yet you're still reading it... 

Anything else you'd like to discuss?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Second Time...Sorry...It is making me gaggy, too.

But it is a topic that I don't think men really understand, and I still don't think marduk does either.

But I'm good with ending this part of the discussion.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

marduk said:


> Yet you're still reading it...
> 
> Anything else you'd like to discuss?


Hahaha! I'm hoping it gets off the topic of swallowing and bodily fluids!

Back to the Original Topic, I'd say the worst man I've ever experienced was a large man (tall, and very large member) who was completely still during sex. I mean after PIV started. Like, wanted no movement. Very, very odd.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Did you tell him he like a corpse?


----------



## RandomDude

marduk said:


> Female sexual secretions ... actually comes from bacteria in the vagina.


=|

I will never lick a vagina the same way again.



Faithful Wife said:


> I meant that a man can see what this is like by swallowing his own load...
> 
> And hey, lots of guys have actually done this, it isn't a big deal.


=|

Ok I'm out


----------



## SecondTime'Round

Faithful Wife said:


> Did you tell him he like a corpse?


No. It would not have lasted anyway since there were other things I didn't desire about him (i.e. he was way too much of a nerd for me). Perhaps I should have....that was your original point in starting this thread, after all!


----------



## Faithful Wife

SecondTime'Round said:


> No. It would not have lasted anyway since there were other things I didn't desire about him (i.e. he was way too much of a nerd for me). Perhaps I should have....that was your original point in starting this thread, after all!


Well no, there's no reason to tell someone if you aren't compatible anyway. IMO.


----------



## committed_guy

Faithful Wife said:


> I wish I could get past all of that, and have tried.


One technique I have read is for the woman to deep throat right as he is coming and then swallow. That way she doesn't have to taste or have it in her mouth.

Have you tried that?


----------



## Faithful Wife

Yes, and it can work if I can be very relaxed and don't panic at the last moment. Still very difficult. When I can do it, it is awesome!

I wish it wasn't so difficult though and I could just do it without that type of mental and physical preparation.

Thankfully, my husband has never and would never consider it a requirement, because he knows it just isn't that easy for some.


----------



## anonfrank

Read through a little of this thread and the answer is fairly simple to me. My wife and I have our issues, but communicating is bed is not one of them. She was a virgin and I was really not far off from virgin when we got together. We figured out pretty quickly that to get what we wanted out of sex, we had to open our mouths and say something. That continues today. If she doesn't like something I did, she'll tell me to stop right then and I'll stop it. Same for me if she does something I don't like. No one's feelings or ego is hurt, and we enjoy our lovemaking (because it's not just sex to us) thoroughly.

I don't get why communication about sex, even during sex, is so hard for people. In our case, we grew sexually together so that communication comes naturally now. Now if only we could get her bipolar II cured....we'd be perfect, but that's another thread.


----------



## anonfrank

PS what does PIV stand for? I still don't get some of the acronyms used here.


----------



## ConanHub

anonfrank said:


> PS what does PIV stand for? I still don't get some of the acronyms used here.


Penis in vagina.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude

Adeline said:


> k so... maybe this has been addressed around these parts or in the sex section, not sure... and not sure if I should make a thread alone for it, but is there REALLY a difference between spit and swallow? Or is there just a difference between whether or not the woman allows the man to come in her mouth? Because to me... whether or not you spit or swallow, you still get to finish in her mouth during the blow job! I've always wondered about this. I get that some men could have an extra thing for a woman who would swallow as opposed to spit and find that hot, but generally do ALL men feel that way?! *Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?!* I've just heard of some men complain that they couldn't finish in their partners mouth... so what she did with it afterwards probably wouldn't matter, they'd be happy that they just could in the first place!


Swallowing is always better. Only had a few that didn't...and it pretty much killed it(as much as it could...I mean BAD bJs are rare).


As for the Points...hate to say it -but the Romanian Judge is Tough.


----------



## MarriedDude

ConanHub said:


> Penis in vagina.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perpetually Injecting Vagina


----------



## Brigit

Faithful Wife said:


> I meant that a man can see what this is like by swallowing his own load. Even though that still isn't really what it is like...but close enough.
> 
> And hey, lots of guys have actually done this, it isn't a big deal.
> 
> I'm just saying, if someone hasn't done it, they really shouldn't think they can tell someone else they should do it and/or like it.


That is true. 

I think as long as a man knows you enjoy having sex with him and touching his body the sex is good. I never think about what I'm doing or what I'm not doing. I like to give & receive pleasure.


----------



## Thinkitthrough

To be honest here, learning you "suck" in bed can be devastating. I am below average in size, had an botched operation that has left my overly sensitive and premature. I have only ever had one woman and have always had an active libido. My wife's bitter complaints shut me down some 5 years into our marriage and my solution was to gain weight till I was numb (350 lb. on a 5' 7" frame) and dived into my work. 
We separated for a period of five years during that time she had a very active sex life. She told me I never really turned her own and never gave her an orgasm despite what I did. Then she asked if we could reconcile be cause she was unhappy without me. Two years later she had a ten month affair with one of the guys she f**ked while we were separated.
While she was having her affair she told me that "she was a very orgasmic girl and that everything was as a result of my problems. When I discovered her affair it was finding a collection of emails in which she tells him how he is the most intense lover she has ever had, how he makes her cum and squirt, how much she likes to have his co*k in her mouth and how he was the coolest guy she ever met. It came with pictures of them having sex and showing her obvious pleasure in the act and the size of his member. The pictures include a naked crotch shot and a "creampie" that he especially liked. She said she let him make them so he masturbate to her. He sent her videos of him masturbating to her pictures. She swears that he never made videos of them but I don't know.
I lost most of my weight when my kidneys failed and my libido is back. 
My wife is remorseful and tries every day to show me she really loves me, but she has gained weight, her chronic pain condition has worsened and a hysterectomy taken all her hormones. My condition has left me ED that doesn't seem to react medication.
Now I should mention that I am ASD and one of the reasons I am still with her is that my qualities include commitment and dedication. I have few emotions, mostly I feel nothing and difficulty knowing what I feel about her.
She is terrified that I will leave her and says if I go she has nothing to live for. She is loving, caring and tells me every day how sorry she is and how truly awful she feels about herself and what she has done
I have had a long and successful career, made good money and have an excellent pension plan and benefits. I am respected and known in my profession and regarded as a "good" man and friend. I feel defeated I have no self confidence, self esteem and a lousy attitude to life.
We are both 60, I will never have an affair because its never been in me to do that, and I really need another woman telling me "I suck in bed" Her affair lasted 10 months, and while they hadn't had any contact in two months, my wife learned he had died in an email asking him if he had taken a new lover. It gives me satisfaction that he died in incredible pain, I fantasize about what I would do to him if he was alive. I am not a person who does this and I hate myself for my thoughts. I have searched for a councillor, psychologist or psychiatrist that understands how my mind works. They are worse than useless.
As cathartic as writing this has been I am haunted by my failures as a man and the thought that the last man in my wife was him.


----------



## Marduk

Faithful Wife said:


> Second Time...Sorry...It is making me gaggy, too.
> 
> But it is a topic that I don't think men really understand, and I still don't think marduk does either.
> 
> But I'm good with ending this part of the discussion.


What is it that you think I don't understand?


----------



## Marduk

SecondTime'Round said:


> No. It would not have lasted anyway since there were other things I didn't desire about him (i.e. he was way too much of a nerd for me). Perhaps I should have....that was your original point in starting this thread, after all!


I like the "leave them better than you find them" motto.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

marduk said:


> I like the "leave them better than you find them" motto.


So, you think he should have been told?


----------



## Marduk

SecondTime'Round said:


> So, you think he should have been told?


Yes.

I mean, karma, right?

If you were single, wouldn't you want to meet a guy that had women prior to you leave him with a positive sexual education rather than more misunderstanding?


----------



## ConanHub

Thinkitthrough said:


> To be honest here, learning you "suck" in bed can be devastating. I am below average in size, had an botched operation that has left my overly sensitive and premature. I have only ever had one woman and have always had an active libido. My wife's bitter complaints shut me down some 5 years into our marriage and my solution was to gain weight till I was numb (350 lb. on a 5' 7" frame) and dived into my work.
> We separated for a period of five years during that time she had a very active sex life. She told me I never really turned her own and never gave her an orgasm despite what I did. Then she asked if we could reconcile be cause she was unhappy without me. Two years later she had a ten month affair with one of the guys she f**ked while we were separated.
> While she was having her affair she told me that "she was a very orgasmic girl and that everything was as a result of my problems. When I discovered her affair it was finding a collection of emails in which she tells him how he is the most intense lover she has ever had, how he makes her cum and squirt, how much she likes to have his co*k in her mouth and how he was the coolest guy she ever met. It came with pictures of them having sex and showing her obvious pleasure in the act and the size of his member. The pictures include a naked crotch shot and a "creampie" that he especially liked. She said she let him make them so he masturbate to her. He sent her videos of him masturbating to her pictures. She swears that he never made videos of them but I don't know.
> I lost most of my weight when my kidneys failed and my libido is back.
> My wife is remorseful and tries every day to show me she really loves me, but she has gained weight, her chronic pain condition has worsened and a hysterectomy taken all her hormones. My condition has left me ED that doesn't seem to react medication.
> Now I should mention that I am ASD and one of the reasons I am still with her is that my qualities include commitment and dedication. I have few emotions, mostly I feel nothing and difficulty knowing what I feel about her.
> She is terrified that I will leave her and says if I go she has nothing to live for. She is loving, caring and tells me every day how sorry she is and how truly awful she feels about herself and what she has done
> I have had a long and successful career, made good money and have an excellent pension plan and benefits. I am respected and known in my profession and regarded as a "good" man and friend. I feel defeated I have no self confidence, self esteem and a lousy attitude to life.
> We are both 60, I will never have an affair because its never been in me to do that, and I really need another woman telling me "I suck in bed" Her affair lasted 10 months, and while they hadn't had any contact in two months, my wife learned he had died in an email asking him if he had taken a new lover. It gives me satisfaction that he died in incredible pain, I fantasize about what I would do to him if he was alive. I am not a person who does this and I hate myself for my thoughts. I have searched for a councillor, psychologist or psychiatrist that understands how my mind works. They are worse than useless.
> As cathartic as writing this has been I am haunted by my failures as a man and the thought that the last man in my wife was him.


Your wife is the one who sucks, both in and out of bed! It is just as much her responsibility to have good sex with her husband as it was yours to have good sex with her.

Cheaters are automatically zero on a scale of one to ten in the sack. If you live to be shyt on, stay with her but don't freak out when she sheds. Lizards do that occasionally.

Let her know she doesn't satisfy you because she is disgusting. Because she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round

marduk said:


> Yes.
> 
> I mean, karma, right?
> 
> If you were single, wouldn't you want to meet a guy that had women prior to you leave him with a positive sexual education rather than more misunderstanding?


Yes, probably! 

ETA: But, I think that is probably a great reason why you (I) have no business sleeping with someone until you're really on that level of verbal/emotional connection/communication...... *blush*


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## ConanHub

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes, probably!
> 
> ETA: But, I think that is probably a great reason why you (I) have no business sleeping with someone until you're really on that level of verbal/emotional connection/communication...... *blush*


Truth! LOL!&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife

Thinkthrough...that was a heartbreaking story. I'm so so sorry. Of course that's just horrid, the whole thing. 

I hope you're ok.


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## Brigit

Talking about sex. Recently me and my husband have been engaging in regular sex (once a week.) Tonight I don't feel like it and I know he wants to. I feel like relaxing and watching TV. But because he wants to I feel I should. I don't want him to feel bad. Does anyone here ever feel like not having sex?


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## Faithful Wife

Brigit said:


> Talking about sex. Recently me and my husband have been engaging in regular sex (once a week.) Tonight I don't feel like it and I know he wants to. I feel like relaxing and watching TV. But because he wants to I feel I should. I don't want him to feel bad. Does anyone here ever feel like not having sex?


I pretty much always feel like it....BUT....sometimes instead of sex I set up:

Sally's Sugar Shack

Which is my in home happy ending massage parlor. I eagerly greet him in bed "hi welcome back to Sally's, you know you're my favorite client, right?" Make sure you have one something cute too, and something that can get dirty, he he. Have towels, lube, coconut oil, candles, whatever, all nearby and set up.

From there, strip him, relax him, massage him, and then a wonderful hj.

I love doing this! It is one of the things I do during my period, or if I'm just too tired or sick to have sex...or when HE is too tired or sick to have sex. Like sometimes if he had to drive somewhere for work and drive 10 hours to get back, I know he's too exhausted for sex so I will text him to meet me at Sally's tonight.

Sometimes Sally can't help herself from going down on him, but don't tell anyone, because that is illegal in a massage parlor.


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## Brigit

Faithful Wife said:


> I pretty much always feel like it....BUT....sometimes instead of sex I set up:
> 
> Sally's Sugar Shack
> 
> Which is my in home happy ending massage parlor. I eagerly greet him in bed "hi welcome back to Sally's, you know you're my favorite client, right?" Make sure you have one something cute too, and something that can get dirty, he he. Have towels, lube, coconut oil, candles, whatever, all nearby and set up.
> 
> From there, strip him, relax him, massage him, and then a wonderful hj.
> 
> I love doing this! It is one of the things I do during my period, or if I'm just too tired or sick to have sex...or when HE is too tired or sick to have sex. Like sometimes if he had to drive somewhere for work and drive 10 hours to get back, I know he's too exhausted for sex so I will text him to meet me at Sally's tonight.
> 
> Sometimes Sally can't help herself from going down on him, but don't tell anyone, because that is illegal in a massage parlor.


You're a riot. I don't think you get what I mean you sex goddess you.


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## Faithful Wife

Lol! You mean you REALLY don't want sex, you actually don't feel like it???

No, I don't get what you mean.


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## Brigit

Faithful Wife said:


> Lol! You mean you REALLY don't want sex, you actually don't feel like it???
> 
> No, I don't get what you mean.



I mean I did a lot of manual labor today in the garden and I'm tired. I feel like just watching a movie and relaxing (with my clothes on) and maybe some popcorn in my mouth.


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## Brigit

FrenchFry said:


> Hah, I liked your post and FW's post because that's what I do when I don't *want* to have sex with my husband but he does. Not as cutely or creatively, but giving a massage (while watching TV or not,) and a happy ending of choice is nice.
> 
> I also find massages can get you in the mood, giving or getting. Something about touching skin, I dunno.
> 
> But when I really, REALLY don't want to and I need a PJ and Merlot night, I just very nicely ask for a raincheck with a definite time and date--and tell him to pick his pleasure.


I'll give him a massage while we watch a movie. Maybe I'll get in the mood. If not...at least he gets a nice back rub


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## Thor

I think it is perfectly fine to ask for a rain check tonight. But.... be sure you are enthusiastic tomorrow or whenever you offered as the alternate.

Don't just say no, offer to do it tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening, or some other very specific time. This way it isn't a rejection but a postponement which you are looking forward to.

If he can behave himself, ask to just snuggle up on the couch. That way he gets his touch and the acknowledgement that you do care for him. If you say no and then tell him to stay the h3ll away, it can be taken negatively!


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## Faithful Wife

I'm the one who gets rain checks. Damn.


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## Brigit

Thor said:


> I think it is perfectly fine to ask for a rain check tonight. But.... be sure you are enthusiastic tomorrow or whenever you offered as the alternate.
> 
> Don't just say no, offer to do it tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening, or some other very specific time. This way it isn't a rejection but a postponement which you are looking forward to.
> 
> If he can behave himself, ask to just snuggle up on the couch. That way he gets his touch and the acknowledgement that you do care for him. If you say no and then tell him to stay the h3ll away, it can be taken negatively!


I know what you mean. I don't want insult him and make him feel rejected. 

Besides my being tired my mom called before and told me she's going to put one of her little dogs to sleep tonight. The dog is really sick and very old. I know she's going to call crying after it's done. Tonight is NOT a good night.


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## SecondTime'Round

Faithful Wife said:


> I pretty much always feel like it....BUT....sometimes instead of sex I set up:
> 
> Sally's Sugar Shack
> 
> Which is my in home happy ending massage parlor. I eagerly greet him in bed "hi welcome back to Sally's, you know you're my favorite client, right?" Make sure you have one something cute too, and something that can get dirty, he he. Have towels, lube, coconut oil, candles, whatever, all nearby and set up.
> 
> From there, strip him, relax him, massage him, and then a wonderful hj.
> 
> I love doing this! It is one of the things I do during my period, or if I'm just too tired or sick to have sex...or when HE is too tired or sick to have sex. Like sometimes if he had to drive somewhere for work and drive 10 hours to get back, I know he's too exhausted for sex so I will text him to meet me at Sally's tonight.
> 
> Sometimes Sally can't help herself from going down on him, but don't tell anyone, because that is illegal in a massage parlor.


Gosh, you have a lot of energy! lol (Seriously, do you drink at all? After a glass or two of wine in the evenings, I'm not sure I'd have the energy for this.)


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## SecondTime'Round

Brigit said:


> I know what you mean. I don't want insult him and make him feel rejected.
> 
> Besides my being tired my mom called before and told me she's going to put one of her little dogs to sleep tonight. The dog is really sick and very old. I know she's going to call crying after it's done. Tonight is NOT a good night.


Awwww . No, not a good night . All respectful partners should be...well, respectful if someone really isn't in the mood, as long as it's not an every night thing.

Sorry for your mom  .


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## SecondTime'Round

Faithful Wife said:


> Lol! You mean you REALLY don't want sex, you actually don't feel like it???
> 
> No, I don't get what you mean.


You are so funny. Seriously, I want scientists to examine your blood and determine what's in it so they can give it to the rest of us .

I have not had sex since December, and will not be having sex for the very forseeable future, but still wish I had your drive!


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## Brigit

SecondTime'Round said:


> Awwww . No, not a good night . All respectful partners should be...well, respectful if someone really isn't in the mood, as long as it's not an every night thing.
> 
> Sorry for your mom  .


Thanks SecondTime. I really feel bad about it. The dog is such a sweet little thing too. I was just there on Mother's Day holding her. It's her time. She's really sick. But I still feel bad and my mom is going to be a mess.


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## Brigit

SecondTime'Round said:


> I have not had sex since December, and will not be having sex for the very forseeable future, but still wish I had your drive!


How come???


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## always_alone

I would want to be told if I sucked in bed. I've begged my SO for feedback and instruction, but he can't do it. According to him, "it's all good". 

Thinking back, I don't think I've ever had a bf who was willing to give proper feedback and instructions.

I sort of get this. I find it hard too. I've tried to teach my SO what I like, but he doesn't really seem to get it. And tbh, some things are a bit hard to explain.


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## SecondTime'Round

Brigit said:


> How come???


Is that your mom's only dog? Gosh, makes me so sad (even if it is not). I love my dog so much. 

Brigit, I have a long story, but basically I'm splitting from my ex-husband for the second time after a false (because of him) reconciliation. We own a home together now, but he's refinancing in his name only, and I've bought a house, settlement is June 15. i'm nowhere near ready to date, although he is, at this moment, with his OW getting his rocks off while I take care of the kids like I do every night. (Not complaining....I adore my kids....am not ready to date....and I'm waiting for a college friend I have not seen in 5 years to arrive with her DD for an overnight visit....I'm a VERY blessed woman  ).


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## Brigit

SecondTime'Round said:


> Is that your mom's only dog? Gosh, makes me so sad (even if it is not). I love my dog so much.
> 
> Brigit, I have a long story, but basically I'm splitting from my ex-husband for the second time after a false (because of him) reconciliation. We own a home together now, but he's refinancing in his name only, and I've bought a house, settlement is June 15. i'm nowhere near ready to date, although he is, at this moment, with his OW getting his rocks off while I take care of the kids like I do every night. (Not complaining....I adore my kids....am not ready to date....and I'm waiting for a college friend I have not seen in 5 years to arrive with her DD for an overnight visit....I'm a VERY blessed woman  ).


I didn't know you were going through all of this. I'm sorry about your divorce. I'm sure sex is the furthest thing on your mind right now.


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## Buddy400

Adeline said:


> Do I not get points for letting you come in my mouth, even if I spit it into a tissue afterwards?


You get a lot of bonus points, just not ALL of them.

P.S. As long as you don't run to the bathroom hacking (which you don't seem to do).


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## SecondTime'Round

Brigit said:


> I didn't know you were going through all of this. I'm sorry about your divorce. I'm sure sex is the furthest thing on your mind right now.


Thank you....to clarify, we are, thankfully already divorced as we never actually remarried (even though he swore dramatically up and down that was his desire lol). So, we're just splitting up/dividing property/traumatizing the children. :/

But, you're right. Dating and sex could not be more distant from my mind and desires right now. I hope to get there someday.

ETA: I wish I had TAM the first time around, and through our "reconciliation"!!!!!!


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## Brigit

SecondTime'Round said:


> Thank you....to clarify, we are, thankfully already divorced as we never actually remarried (even though he swore dramatically up and down that was his desire lol). So, we're just splitting up/dividing property/traumatizing the children. :/
> 
> But, you're right. Dating and sex could not be more distant from my mind and desires right now. I hope to get there someday.
> 
> ETA: I wish I had TAM the first time around, and through our "reconciliation"!!!!!!


The children will be fine. I'm glad you already bought a house since you'll need to get settled ASAP.

(BTW My husband was tired too and didn't want to have sex. LOL.)


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## Faithful Wife

STR...sorry to hear all of that.


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## Faithful Wife

SecondTime'Round said:


> Gosh, you have a lot of energy! lol (Seriously, do you drink at all? After a glass or two of wine in the evenings, I'm not sure I'd have the energy for this.)


I'm just a monkey girl. Always have been. He's pretty high energy, too. We both barely keep up with each other, but he has a much more demanding job than I do. I am still up for it after 2 drinks, but never more than that, I'm out.


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## Adeline

I've learned so much from this thread haha I didn't go back and quote... but those that answered about the spit vs swallow thing I appreciate the insight. I guess being that oral became pretty much nonexistent in my marriage, and when it DID exist it was always me giving it to him, I didn't really think about the man consuming the women's juices whilst giving oral. This gives me a new perspective. I never felt disgust having it in my mouth before I spit it into a tissue, I don't remember it ever tasting unpleasant, I guess I just always did think similarly to I think it was what faithful wife said, about it being kind of like snot secretions... so I didn't really think of it as something to be consumed. Though my husband had never complained, so maybe it didn't matter to him.

I do know theres all sorts of things out there about how it's actually good for you to swallow for a variety of reasons, so perhaps when I'm in a new relationship I may just try that for the first time. Or at least ask the guy what he prefers  heck, i'll just be excited to be able to have sex again...


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## Thor

Whether spitting is good or bad depends on how it is done. If she makes a run for the bathroom with a distressed look on her face, it is bad! What it comes down to is the message being transmitted by her. If she finds it disgusting, it really takes a lot out of the experience for the man.

I think most women would have a negative emotional response if the man said he would go down on her but he finds her aroma unpleasant.


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## Faithful Wife

Personally, I wouldn't want a man to go down on me at all if he found me or the act distasteful. I wouldn't expect him to do it with a smile on his face and pretend he liked something he didn't. Instead I'd rather he just be honest with me.


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## soccermom2three

So, my husband and I have only been with each other. It is possible that we both suck in bed and just don't know it, lol.

I guess I would want to know though.


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## Faithful Wife

If you're both having a good time, nobody sucks!


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## Blondilocks

What if you don't; but, a thread in a marriage forum starts making you feel all angsty and you worry and start getting nervous and buying books and pestering your husband to critique and complement your performance until finally he tells you to shut the hell up because you have ruined the moment and your fear is now realized?


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## Thor

Blondilocks said:


> What if you don't; but, a thread in a marriage forum starts making you feel all angsty and you worry and start getting nervous and buying books and pestering your husband to critique and complement your performance until finally he tells you to shut the hell up because you have ruined the moment and your fear is now realized?


Then our work here is done.


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## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, and it can work if I can be very relaxed and don't panic at the last moment. Still very difficult. When I can do it, it is awesome!
> 
> I wish it wasn't so difficult though and I could just do it without that type of mental and physical preparation.
> 
> *Thankfully, my husband has never and would never consider it a requirement, because he knows it just isn't that easy for some.*


It has never been a requirement for me either, and before my current wife, it had been over 20 years since I had had one, and I have never remotely pressured my wife into giving them.

For her, giving bj's had always been pretty much quid pro quo, as she didn't overly enjoy the experience. She usually felt pressured into giving them. She was also largely unsuccessful in being able to get a guy to finish at all, and that fed into her dislike even more.

With me however, I think we are a good example of how with the right partner, with the right connection and chemistry, things can really open up. From the get go, she's been able to finish me off at will, so the encouragement of success has worked wonders for her, as has the no pressure environment. I also think I won the seminal jackpot in that I have a very thin consistency, and add to that, I have blood sugar issues that have one relatively positive side affect...unless I've recently had vinegar, I have a relatively sweet taste.


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## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Lol! You mean you REALLY don't want sex, you actually don't feel like it???
> 
> No, I don't get what you mean.


My wife and I spent over 17 hours in the car this weekend, slept on an air mattress, only got about six hours of sleep, weren't even going to get home until about 10 pm, and have to get up for work at 5:30 am, and about an hour from home, she says that even with such a long, exhausting weekend, having to get up early, that she still really wanted to have sex when we got home, so we had sex when we got home, and it was good.


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## Marduk

Average (American or Canadian) time for sex, start-finish, is 20 minutes.

I'm sure I can almost always find 20 minutes in my day to spend making my wife happy.

Now, I like it to be longer than 20 minutes, but if 20 minutes is all the time and energy we have, I'll take it.

But I really struggle with the concept of my wife spending 2 hours on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy instead of that 20 minutes.


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## Adeline

marduk said:


> But I really struggle with the concept of my wife spending 2 hours on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy instead of that 20 minutes.


Dang. That is a really sobering way of looking at it. Oftentimes people do view it as theres "no time" for sex... when really we spend so much MORE time doing completely mindless things...


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## samyeagar

Adeline said:


> Dang. That is a really sobering way of looking at it. Oftentimes people do view it as theres "no time" for sex... when really we spend so much MORE time doing completely mindless things...


It really comes down to how a person prioritizes things. One always finds time for things that are truly a priority to them. Anything else is just excuses.


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## Anonymous07

SecondTime'Round said:


> You are so funny. Seriously, I want scientists to examine your blood and determine what's in it so they can give it to the rest of us .
> 
> I have not had sex since December, and will not be having sex for the very forseeable future, but still wish I had your drive!


You only want a high drive if your partner also has a high drive, otherwise it sucks big time! Luckily my husband's drive seems to be coming back, so I haven't been frustrated lately.


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