# Just Not Interested...



## TaintedLove (Apr 11, 2011)

Sex...why does everyone say its necessary to maintain your marriage? For him to stick around maybe, but for me, its not fun, doesn't feel good (doesn't hurt either), I feel like I'm being used because I'm not benefiting from it. The only time I can have the feeling to want to is when I am drinking, but I don't like to drink a lot, and would rather not harm my body just to satisfy my husbands "needs". What about my needs? I don't want to do it, so why should I have to? This subject causes a lot of anger in our marriage. He wants to feel good, but I don’t feel like being used, and I don’t get anything in return. I have a lot more to say on this, but I have to go. Please help!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Why do you put "needs" in quotes?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

What are your needs? What do you want from a marriage?

Intimacy in a marriage is very important. It's supposed to draw you and your husband closer. If you are not interested, you are robbing yourself and your husband of that intimacy. If you don't want him to stick around, then by all means, stay uninterested, and turn him down every time he shows interest. If he asks what's wrong, just say "I don't know". 

He will begin to feel rejected and angry. He may stop initiating since you keep shooting him down. 

Is this what you want?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're not going to meet his intimacy needs, you run the risk of him looking elsewhere for that. I'm not saying that's justification for his decisions, but simply warning you. 

Why do you only have the "feeling you want" when you drink? Do you have trouble letting yourself go to enjoy sex? Perhaps some counselling is in order? Are you on birth control pills? How old are you? Do you orgasm when you have sex? All the time?

C


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

tell him its ok with you that he find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, that should take of your issues


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

pure selfishness to not be willing to give something to the relationship unless you get something in return. besides taking its also about giving. but dont cry when he DOES go elsewhere for it.
as stated above, its not justification, just a reality.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow is this post for real? Marriage is a two way street, it should be a race for second place. You should be meeting each others needs without the hope of getting anything in return. If he isn't meeting your needs but you are giving yourself fully, then you need to sit him down and tell him.

Otherwise it doesn't sound like you are cut out for marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Obviously if it only feels good when you have been drinking, it can feel good and you may have some issues you need to address. You also may need to relax about sex and do some masturbating by yourself and find out what feels best to you.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship and goes hand in hand with emotional intimacy if one of the ingredients is missing then I don't think your marriage will fair well.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

TaintedLove said:


> He wants to feel good, but I don’t feel like being used, and I don’t get anything in return.


Have you communicated to him that you need something in return?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Why did you get married? What did you think marriage was? Just to have a companion? Someone to talk to? What? Did your husband know you felt this way before you agreed to get married? "Oh honey I hate sex so don't plan on getting any".

I don't see this ending well. If you think sex is "harming your body" you have issues that I'm sure can't be solved on this board.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I don't see this ending well. If you think sex is "harming your body" you have issues that I'm sure can't be solved on this board.


I think she was referring to the fact that she "has to drink" in order to have sex...the drinking is harmful...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I think she was referring to the fact that she "has to drink" in order to have sex...the drinking is harmful...


Oh got it. I'm so tired that I misread it. 

To the OP have you considered counseling to figure out why you can't enjoy sex unless you are drinking? Drinking to me implies numbing or an artificial way to relax. Has it always been this way or only with your husband?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Would you be willing to answer some questions to provide details that may help get at the problem? I think you came to ask the question because you are not sure that your thinking is quite right. You may get some criticism but take it stride there are many men suffering the misery of a marriage in which his wife expresses what you are expressing. So they read what you write here and they can not be in any way sympathetic. But I think there are some women who can at lest help you to realize what you are doing to the man who is your husband. 

Did you at any time enjoy sex with him when not drinking; does he touch you in was that you need to be touched; do you orgasm; do you love your husband? What does loving him mean to you? You said he want to feel good what did you mean, ho does he express the need for sex and how do you interpret what he means.

Can I ask if you were aware that when a man a good man falls in love, he maintains the emotional connection with his wife through having sex with her? It is the result of a brain chemical that floods the brain after sex and causes bonding to the partner. Sometimes sex is just to get off for men but when they select a woman and fall in love and to commit they maintain the love and connection through regular sex. Men whose wives refuse sex, get depresses, feel unloved loved and are convinced their wives do not love them. 

This is how it is. Every single study on men and sexuality confirms this and men themselves express despair when their wives reject them. You can read post on this forum from men who express this despair. If you accept and understand that this is true, how do you feel about sex with your husband. What do think you husband should do if he is in emotional distress about you decision that you don't want to have sex? Would you consider letting him go so he can find a women to love and connect with him so he is not distressed. You certainly have a right not to have sex with your husband but your husband will not be the only one to suffer the consequences of your decision. You will too, your husband can cheat, he may leave you for another woman who he bonds with, he may just decide to divorce you to seek out a new love or he may withdraw and do nothing for you. I am certain you will understand if these things happen after all you can see that you can make a decision so you realize he can do the same. 

A man's "needs" seems to have taken on a sinister connotation, I suspect it is because pop culture presents an ugly side of male sexuality. What does a man sexual needs mean to you. This ugliness is as bad as the objectification of women my pop culture. Neither is fair. Men are so human, it's a pity that some are treated so badly. Good men have the same feelings we women do, did you know that? 

Will you carefully consider and answer back. I won't go through my story but, believe me I understand your lack of understanding. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Then don't have sex.. I would also start looking for a lawyer..

Then try to find a man with no sex drive or live alone..


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

My wife simply isnt interested in sex, nor is she interested in my needs, desires, wants etc.

I can confirm that it leads to resentment, bitterness, lack of respect and a greater likelihood of the husband seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.

So, Tainted Love, as many other people here have said....sex is a very important part of marriage. If both you and your husband are perfectly happy living in a sexless marriage then good for you. However if he has even a normal sex drive and you aren't interested then don't be surprised or hurt, or blame him if he is unfaithful or seeks a divorce.

On your head be it. Sorry, but thats the truth of the matter.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Signing on to be someone's mate means you have agreed to be a sexual partner. If you wanted a partner for checkers you should have entered into some other form of relationship. Perhaps sex doesn't blow your skirt up, but you are getting something out of it. You have a husband and all other associated benefits of marriage. Having sex with reasonable frequency seems like a pretty small price to pay to maintain what you have. I suspect your husband does things he isn't always thrilled about, too, because those things make you happy. A counselor could probably help you but regardless, you agreed to be his wife. If you want a buddy, free the husband and get one.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

When you get married you are accepting to be part of a relationship, a team... the good the bad and the ugly!

You look after each other when you are ill, you have fun together on holiday, you do your fair share of household chores...you are also agreeing to be your spouses sexual partner. It comes with the package.

You don't walk into a BMW showroom and say 'I really love that 530i over there..but I only want it with 3 wheels'.....
It comes with 4 wheels....thats the deal....:rofl:

If you want a car with three wheels then buy one! A four wheeled car but with only three wheels isn't going to go anywhere!
Just like a marriage that is void of sex.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Holy cow. You are incredibly selfish.

A marriage can only work if you selflessly meet your husband's needs and your husband selflessly meets your needs. Normally, husband and wife have a different set of needs.

Deciding that you have a need to be non sexual when your husband has a need to be sexual is a line of thought that is a killer to a marriage. You own this line of thought and therefore you own the death of your marriage that will result. Your husband's reasonable need for sex is not harmful to your marriage.

So, if you do care about your marriage, and all that comes with it, you have to use your mind to the benefit of your marriage and get away from this selfishness.

But, you do have to manage your husband in such a way that he does meet your needs, whatever they are.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To me it simply comes down to clearly communicating your expectations. I think that if men and women clearly expressed this before they married not only would they find a 'mate' equally well suited, they would have a marriage they could both worth within. The problem is that in this case she didn't make her wishes clearly know. But I can guarantee you that for every woman like this there's a man here, who's ready willing and able to be her husband in a suitable pairing. 

My own spouse clearly spelled out no more sex ever ever ever after our last child was born. I only wish I knew that before. But I can't now say I didn't know. It's not a mystery and it's not worth discussing or pursuing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> To me it simply comes down to clearly communicating your expectations. I think that if men and women clearly expressed this before they married not only would they find a 'mate' equally well suited, they would have a marriage they could both worth within. The problem is that in this case she didn't make her wishes clearly know. But I can guarantee you that for every woman like this there's a man here, who's ready willing and able to be her husband in a suitable pairing.
> 
> My own spouse clearly spelled out no more sex ever ever ever after our last child was born. I only wish I knew that before. But I can't now say I didn't know. It's not a mystery and it's not worth discussing or pursuing.


To be fair, it's not always something that people know at the start of a relationship. People change over time, and their feelings towards sex and intimacy are no different. It makes that whole "lifetime committment" thing that much more difficult. Maybe it was easier when "old age" was 40+... 

C


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

What is your definition of a fulfilling marriage?

Financial support, love and devotion, but skip the sex part?

Did you have sex before you were married?

We're you having sex when you married and shortly after?

What changed?

Did you let him know AHEAD OF TIME, before he slipped that ring on your finger that you didn't like sex and would be cutting him off during the marriage?

Talk about selfish and self-centered.

No problem, let him have his sexual fulfillment elsewhere or cut him loose - he deserves more and if your "needs" dictate that you don't, then let him go find someone else who understands that marriage is about their needs and their partner's needs - you are not in this marriage alone and therefore do not have the autonomy to decide NOT to do something that is a cornerstone of a loving marriage simply because you decide not to.

He's been deceived, whether you intended to or not, so he is no longer required to "commit" to anything he promised when he married you.

You need to live alone or find another man who is asexual and doesn't care about it either.

For those of us that desire intimacy with our spouses and wished our sex life was more frequent, this is a slap in our face.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> To be fair, it's not always something that people know at the start of a relationship. People change over time, and their feelings towards sex and intimacy are no different. It makes that whole "lifetime committment" thing that much more difficult. Maybe it was easier when "old age" was 40+...
> 
> C


BS

If you have past sexual experience - YOU KNOW if you like it or not, want it or not, etc.

Yes people change over time - but if you love and/or are attracted to your spouse, then sex and intimacy DO NOT change.

If there is something else wrong in the relationship, or you are no longer attracted, etc., then your need/want of sex and intimacy with your spouse can alter your perception of how you view it.

I absolutely cannot stand any woman who feels its their right to deny their spouse something that is very important to a relationship - these women need to be single and remain single.

Period.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

PBear said:


> To be fair, it's not always something that people know at the start of a relationship. People change over time, and their feelings towards sex and intimacy are no different. It makes that whole "lifetime committment" thing that much more difficult. Maybe it was easier when "old age" was 40+...
> 
> C


I think people have a reasonably good enough sense of themselves before hand to have an inkling. Unless they're virgins and they discover they don't like sex. You just as toxic as marrying someone to 'cure' or 'fix' them, is the person who gets married because they want to be 'fixed'. 

And while certainly people's feelings toward sex change over time, there's clearly something else at play when to go from 'having sex' to 'never having sex'. 

Dunno maybe it's a cultural thing. The French have something called 'White Marriage' (mariage blanc) which is a sexless marriage and one or both partners have sexual relations with others. It's not an open marriage, it's a marriage for reasons other than sex and intimacy - be it money or social standing or public appearances or whatever. Perhaps we need to embrace that custom.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> To me it simply comes down to clearly communicating your expectations. I think that if men and women clearly expressed this before they married not only would they find a 'mate' equally well suited, they would have a marriage they could both worth within. The problem is that in this case she didn't make her wishes clearly know. But I can guarantee you that for every woman like this there's a man here, who's ready willing and able to be her husband in a suitable pairing.
> 
> My own spouse clearly spelled out no more sex ever ever ever after our last child was born. I only wish I knew that before. But I can't now say I didn't know. It's not a mystery and it's not worth discussing or pursuing.


And as you've mentioned before - YOU ARE STILL THERE.

I don't care what was going on, I'd be outta there so fast it would make her head spin.

What a selfish woman.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well yes I am. But we dislike each other in every other way as well. No sex wasn't the cause, it's just another aspect of it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

jezza said:


> My wife simply isnt interested in sex, nor is she interested in my needs, desires, wants etc.
> 
> I can confirm that it leads to resentment, bitterness, lack of respect and a greater likelihood of the husband seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.
> 
> ...


Like I've asked Dog - then WHY in the world are you still there?

While I'm still working on my sex life - my husband does love me, understands what the issues are and is willing to work on them.

If not - I'd be gone.

Why aren't you?

I just do not understand men who stay in a marriage where the wife has obviously and overtly decided that sex is to stop and that they are no longer interested in their husband's needs.

I don't get it - I'll probably get slammed for this - but damn the kids, damn the home, damn everything - just leave - life is too short to live with someone this selfish and self-centered. Let them ruin someone else's life.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well yes I am. But we dislike each other in every other way as well. No sex wasn't the cause, it's just another aspect of it.


I just don't get it - but more power to you.

It just breaks my heart to see people living in misery when they could find happiness elsewhere if they only took the first step.

I've told you this before - what a sad situation. I feel for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I figure at this point, so what. I'm wrecked and ruined for any normal adult relationships. I'd screw them up and be back where I started. It's kind of hopeless.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TaintedLove said:


> Sex...why does everyone say its necessary to maintain your marriage? For him to stick around maybe, but for me, its not fun, doesn't feel good (doesn't hurt either), I feel like I'm being used because I'm not benefiting from it. The only time I can have the feeling to want to is when I am drinking, but I don't like to drink a lot, and would rather not harm my body just to satisfy my husbands "needs". What about my needs? I don't want to do it, so why should I have to? This subject causes a lot of anger in our marriage. He wants to feel good, but I don’t feel like being used, and I don’t get anything in return. I have a lot more to say on this, but I have to go. Please help!


 You have not come back and I wish you would. There are so many women who express what you have done. You are a silent proportion of the population of married women. We need to hear from you on this forum. It is so important that we all understand why you feel the way you do.

As you can see, the response to your post are not positive in the whole. I wish we could be more understanding but there are many people in pain due to this problem and are not in a space to explore your problem and try to help you to be happy. 

I hope you will be brave and come back and post more I think your perspective is valuable. 

May I ask future posters to be moderate in comments so she continues to post. Scaring her away helps no one. She is not inherently evil just unaware, lets not miss this opportunity to share what we know with her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I really don't think most people who stop having sex at some point in marriage have any idea that it will happen. 

The sexual response of women is sensitive to many influences. That a fact of life. I don't think the sun and the moon have to line up in a perfect eclipse to set the mood for heightened female arousal but I think some basic rules of engagement have to be established. 

First and foremost is sexual satisfaction - sometimes the sex in a long-term relationship becomes or remains centered on male satisfaction. Second is feeling loved special and accepted. 

A questionton women - how many times do you "take care of him" when time or circumstances preclude taking time to have a longer session? When kids come along and there is less time, during the monthly, during pregnancy, postpartum, when you are exhausted after work. What do you do? Bj, hj, quickies etc. 

Then when there is time, there are requests for spice maybe different positions, many of which are not satisfying for the woman, or request for acts that are unpleasant, painful or an invasion of privacy or degrading. For instance, cum on face, anal, pictures or videos, 3 somes, respectively. These, including quickies, are not as satisfying to women as they are to men. 

This may be the gist of married sex of a female point of view. What starts out as a loving expression of love from an attentive man who was trying to win her, becomes centered on expectations. She is expected to to provide sex now that she has been won. 

The romance may slowly evaporate, the niceties, the regard and appreciation on both sides. In addition when the couple is at their most stressed she is expected to take care of him. 

My point is that given human dynamics, at lest some woman who do not have sex are doing so because they are sexually frustrated, emotionally frustrated, resentful, or angry. Under what circumstances is a women justified in not having sex. Maybe that is what should be discussed early in the relationship. Then you can both talk about what you expect and what turns you off. 

Care needs to be taken that the woman is not giving more sexually than she is getting. If sex is skewered to male satisfaction, then the rest of the relationship needs to be near perfect to sustain that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> BS
> 
> If you have past sexual experience - YOU KNOW if you like it or not, want it or not, etc.
> 
> ...


Don't get me wrong... I wouldn't (and didn't) hang around in an essentially sexless marriage. But I can understand changing sex drives as people age. Some women's sex drive hits harder as they get closer to 40... Some guy's sex drive drops as they get to that same age... Both due at least partially to hormonal changes, I'd expect. Heck, for many women (I think), their sex drive varies through their monthly cycle.

In any case, I don't feel it's fair for one partner in a relationship to decide to change the game partway through without expecting some repercussions. Either divorce, an open marriage, having to compromise, whatever works for them. I wouldn't tell someone how they should run their relationship.

And BTW... It's not just women who feel it's their right to deny their partner sex. And it's wrong for either gender.

And Catherine, it's my partner (who happens to be female) who's pushing for a threesome... Just saying! She also has tons more pictures of herself than I ever will have, as well as anal experience... Let's just say she's a well rounded individual! 

C


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I really don't think most people who stop having sex at some point in marriage have any idea that it will happen.
> 
> The sexual response of women is sensitive to many influences. That a fact of life. I don't think the sun and the moon have to line up in a perfect eclipse to set the mood for heightened female arousal but I think some basic rules of engagement have to be established.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

We need a "like" button


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

PBear said:


> Don't get me wrong... I wouldn't (and didn't) hang around in an essentially sexless marriage. But I can understand changing sex drives as people age. Some women's sex drive hits harder as they get closer to 40... Some guy's sex drive drops as they get to that same age... Both due at least partially to hormonal changes, I'd expect. Heck, for many women (I think), their sex drive varies through their monthly cycle.
> 
> In any case, I don't feel it's fair for one partner in a relationship to decide to change the game partway through without expecting some repercussions. Either divorce, an open marriage, having to compromise, whatever works for them. I wouldn't tell someone how they should run their relationship.
> 
> ...


I agree with you that "sex drive" can change - but the want and desire to have sex - different.

My husband still wants sex, but his drive has dropped, along with other medical issues.

But his want and desire are still there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Of course you realize that female sexual response serves little to no biological benefit. Women don't 'need' to orgasm (yes I'm the one who says ejaculation and orgasm are two different things, just set that aside for a moment) whereas if men don't soon enough there's no more people. There's clearly a basic biological driver for men to climax. 

The point being, is that female sexuality is probably more of a psycho-social overlay, than anything else. This is the core of the female's ineffable orgasm. If a butterfly in Malaysia flaps its wings, she can't come. Why? Because there's no underlying evolutionary biological driver for it. An orgasm is the words you use to call it whatever you want to call it. 

I bet if you asked a hundred women what orgasm is, you'd get a hundred different answers and 40 of them would amount to "I don't know". Another 30 would tell you it's something akin to an emotional or spiritual experience, 20 would say they never have one and the last 10 would, a la Dr. Ruth, say "It's a sneeze".


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I agree with you that "sex drive" can change - but the want and desire to have sex - different.
> 
> My husband still wants sex, but his drive has dropped, along with other medical issues.
> 
> But his want and desire are still there.


I'm confused about the difference... To me, wanting and desiring sex = sex drive. Being able to actually perform when you hit the sheets is a different issue, whether it's medical or mental. And both of those can change over time. As hormone levels (as an example) change over time, your desire for sex can change as well.

C


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## TaintedLove (Apr 11, 2011)

Marriage to me: Finding someone you can't live without. Marriage to me is not sex. Love is so much more than that.

Maybe I need to clarify a little better. I go to school AND work then come home to clean up after everyone else, my husband stays home with the kids (before you start thinking Mr.Mom, he sits on his butt all day drinking beer, and keeps the kids in front of the t.v.) he constantly does things he knows makes me upset (serious things here people, brings drugs around my kids, drug deals, wastes my hard earned time and money on his daily beer supply) He refuses to find a job, when we do have sex its he gets his and is done with it. 
So tell me again, how I should have to give him sex? How ignorant. Before you assume and get all bent, maybe you should take into consideration all aspects of what could be going on. Thats the reason I joined the board, to talk with others that don't know us and can have a completely different perspective AND GIVE ADVICE, not to have other men get upset because they found out yet another female in this world doesn't like to have sex. Just so you know, I have went to counseling on this before a man and a woman, they both said that I am so not alone, MAJORITY of women don't enjoy sex. So why do we do it?!?! To please our men that don't give us any real good feeling like they experience in return?! I am not being selfish at all, I give myself to him completely in every other way possible.

Sex doesn't make me feel good, not even when I drink. It just makes me want to please him. He knew all this well ahead of time, right from the start. We did drink a lot more then, but we have kids now and I just don't party like that anymore.

I know that a marriage is giving and receiving, but I don't receive anything. He is my 'babysitter' as I like to call him.

Every one of my family members wants me to leave him, because he is a deadbeat. But I love him, unconditionally, why? He gets me, he understands me more than anyone has ever been able to. I am a difficult person, but he is the only one who knows how to get around that. We overcame so much together, we know each other to the T.

All of the following are probably playing a serious role in me not wanting to have sex:
Feelings left over from being cheated on in a past serious relationship (and I was giving it to him, he was just a pig). Funny thing was, when I left him and got with someone else, he cried like a little baby and begged me to come back. So pathetic.

He has completely let himself go, gained 100 lbs, knows he doesn't like it but still doesn't do anything about it. (I started doing INSANITY to get back into shape myself after having 2 children, and I try to get him involved but he chooses to be lazy). Sit, watch movies all day, drink beer after beer after beer...Like his life is so hard.

I am disgusted by it. His stuff stinks (didn't used to), and won't go to the doctor to see what it could be.

I hate men who feel like women are here for men to please themselves, that women should be the ones to clean, that women should 'know their place'. He has a lot of friends like that and he laughs when they make stupid remarks. So disrespectful! They try to get him to go out (finding women to gawk at or cheat on their wives/girlfriends with) And he wonders why I don't let him hang out with them alone. Are you kidding me?

I do all I can to make this marriage stay alive as he sits idly by, waiting for me to come home so he can get some.

Maybe I do just have a marriage with a piece of $#[email protected] If any guy out there reading this can prove me that I need to search elsewhere and that there actually REAL men out there that I would want to sexually please, PLEASE convince me!!!!


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Even if there werent any good men out there, being single would be better than being married to that loser. I wish you had posted all of this originally. If you go back and read your first post you just sound like a selfish bizznatch. But after reading this last post it changes things. In NO way does he deserve intimacy with you. He sounds like a little boy who is too immature for marriage. I would leave his ass and find a real man. They are out there trust me.

I have to ask why did you marry him in the first place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaintedLove (Apr 11, 2011)

To tell you the truth, I am not sure if I have ever had an orgasm. I have felt a quick/short OK feeling and some pulsating, but nothing ever that made me quiver, scream, or experience an exhilarating feeling. (by the way I am completely quiet during sex, when I see movies where girls are loud, moaning, because it feels good, hurts or whatever it feels like...I am definitely not getting the same feeling, never have)


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Doesn't sound like he's worth the trouble...your marriage issues go far beyond just having sex with him.

And yes, there are men out there who are wonderful and make you want to please them in every way possible. I have one seriously amazing guy myself  Don't give up on men altogether, they're not all bums like what you're dealing with.

Be honest with yourself. What are the chances that he will change? Can you be happy in this situation for the rest of your life?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So I take it back arching, toe curling, gushing, and squirting are not adjectives to describe your sexual experiences? If not, there are guys who can work with you on that, if you were single and looking. No promises of course, since sex is as much mental as physical...

I agree with YB... If you want people to give you decent advice, provide decent information. I stand by my original comment, though... If he's not getting sex from you, he's likely to look elsewhere for it, if sex is at all important to him. In your case though, it seems you should boot his butt out the door long before that happens. Last week sometime would be a good time for that, I think...

Good luck with your situation. I don't envy you at all. But aside from him "getting you", I really wonder why you stick together. Your second paragraph basically said it all... Drug dealing (around your kids, even!), drinking beer, refusing to get a job... The drug dealing alone would be enough for me. What happens if/when he gets busted? What about if you're at work at the time, and he's got the kids there?

Oh, and as far as the majority of women not enjoying sex... I don't know. I think I've got about 3 billion more women to survey before I can give you an answer. Might be awhile before I get back to you... So far, the survey says the majority enjoy it quite a bit.

C


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Thanks so much for the reply, it is much more revealing than your orignal post. 

If you read my post, I think your situation is one example of a woman who is justified not having sex. He is not meeting your basic and reasonable needs, you have communicated your needs, given him a chance to respond and he chooses not to accept the terms.

But if you have lost the sexual connection to him it is not a mariage but a baby sitting arrangement. As far as him "getting you", can you reframe that. How does he get you when he does not meet your needs?? 

Can you see that. If that is so, why stay. I am going to be blunt, Do you stay because you are in a rut and may not have the energy or motivation to get out. 

If that rings true than you have to admit that you are making a bad choice but you can change things by making a good one.

Why not let this man go. He seems to be a leech not a man. he can find someone who loves leeches and you can work on that difficult personality and find a real man.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Cat put that in much more constructive words than I did lol. 
It doesn't make any sense to me when people say they have never even orgasmed and don't know what it feels like. That would mean you don't masturbate? An orgasm its technically the highest form of physical pleasure a human can experience outside of using drugs. An orgasm should be pretty obvious if you ask me. It causes an almost uncontrolled physical response ( toes curling, muscles tensing, spiked heart rate). Nothing like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Of course you realize that female sexual response serves little to no biological benefit. Women don't 'need' to orgasm (yes I'm the one who says ejaculation and orgasm are two different things, just set that aside for a moment) whereas if men don't soon enough there's no more people. There's clearly a basic biological driver for men to climax.
> 
> The point being, is that female sexuality is probably more of a psycho-social overlay, than anything else. This is the core of the female's ineffable orgasm. If a butterfly in Malaysia flaps its wings, she can't come. Why? Because there's no underlying evolutionary biological driver for it. An orgasm is the words you use to call it whatever you want to call it.
> 
> I bet if you asked a hundred women what orgasm is, you'd get a hundred different answers and 40 of them would amount to "I don't know". Another 30 would tell you it's something akin to an emotional or spiritual experience, 20 would say they never have one and the last 10 would, a la Dr. Ruth, say "It's a sneeze".


Not true! The muscle contractions in a woman's orgasm actually push the semen deeper and closer to the Fallopian tubes, to assist the sperm into reaching thier goal. This, increased chance of pregnancy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Not true! The muscle contractions in a woman's orgasm actually push the semen deeper and closer to the Fallopian tubes, to assist the sperm into reaching thier goal. This, increased chance of pregnancy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There you have it, I learned something new. Go Kegels!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> There you have it, I learned something new. Go Kegels!


Runs you're a card, I never know what you are going to post. Sometimes I don't understand what you mean like the light reference. 

Anyway, I don't know why you wife does not jump your bones with abandon. There is nothing like an intelligent interesting man with a sense of humor. )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Runs you're a card, I never know what you are going to post. Sometimes I don't understand what you mean like the light reference.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know why you wife does not jump your bones with abandon. There is nothing like an intelligent interesting man with a sense of humor. )
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Crazy woman, doesn't know what a catch she has, huh?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Of course you realize that female sexual response serves little to no biological benefit. Women don't 'need' to orgasm (yes I'm the one who says ejaculation and orgasm are two different things, just set that aside for a moment) whereas if men don't soon enough there's no more people. There's clearly a basic biological driver for men to climax.
> 
> The point being, is that female sexuality is probably more of a psycho-social overlay, than anything else. This is the core of the female's ineffable orgasm. If a butterfly in Malaysia flaps its wings, she can't come. Why? Because there's no underlying evolutionary biological driver for it. An orgasm is the words you use to call it whatever you want to call it.
> 
> I bet if you asked a hundred women what orgasm is, you'd get a hundred different answers and 40 of them would amount to "I don't know". Another 30 would tell you it's something akin to an emotional or spiritual experience, 20 would say they never have one and the last 10 would, a la Dr. Ruth, say "It's a sneeze".


Oh no no no. I have to completely disagree, I know what an orgasm is. It builds up with intense pleasure then explodes in waves of orgasmic awesomeness. I do think men would describe their orgasms differently too depending on the person. Oh and if you don't know, you have never had one.

I once read someone say that sex is goal oriented for men, they are trying to get to the orgasm and not so much for many women. However it is definitely goal oriented for me and important to my sexual experience that I cum.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Based on her initial post, Tainted has received a bit of a bashing, from both men and women, me included! 
Her subsequent post about him being a slob, drinking beer all day long infront of the TV etc, not doing his bit around the house, his genitalia (I assume thats what TL means by 'bits') smelling etc... well I guess, given the same situation, I wouldnt be interested in having sex unless I wanted it for me...

GreenPearl started a thread about why you lose respect for your spouse...I said I didnt respect my wife because she doesn't keep her part of the 'marriage deal'.
TL works all day to maintain the family because her husband doesn't work (for whatever reason). Therefore the role of looking after the house, children etc falls on him. Clearly, from what TL says, he is doing sweet *uck all in the home. So HE is not keeping his side of the deal.

So TL has lost respect for him...and no respect = no interest in sex.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

TL - tell me (us!).....if your husband DID look after the home, clean, tidy, do things with the kids, only had a beer when you got home etc - ie all the sorts of things a 'home-maker Mum' would do if her husband was out working all day earning the family income....would your attitude to sex be different? Would you be and feel more sexual towards him?

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I believe it also opens up the cervix more...I always read that if you're trying to get pregnant, make sure the woman orgasms before sex to increase odds.


I think that's just a conspiracy to get more O's


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

O's are healthy! Quite pleasant too! Much rather have sex than go for a jog!


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

jezza said:


> Based on her initial post, Tainted has received a bit of a bashing, from both men and women, me included!
> Her subsequent post about him being a slob, drinking beer all day long infront of the TV etc, not doing his bit around the house, his genitalia (I assume thats what TL means by 'bits') smelling etc... well I guess, given the same situation, I wouldnt be interested in having sex unless I wanted it for me...
> 
> GreenPearl started a thread about why you lose respect for your spouse...I said I didnt respect my wife because she doesn't keep her part of the 'marriage deal'.
> ...


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Are you for real?? How selfish not to understand that your husbands "needs" might include more than just sex...like emotional bonding and intimacy. Why be married if you don't want to be close to the person you're with?


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

> Just so you know, I have went to counseling on this before a man and a woman, they both said that I am so not alone, MAJORITY of women don't enjoy sex. So why do we do it?!?! To please our men that don't give us any real good feeling like they experience in return?! I am not being selfish at all, I give myself to him completely in every other way possible.”


Just go on the record here as I think this is ridiculous/crazy. I am a woman and enjoy sex A LOT. If that puts me in the minority, then thank the Lord for it.

It sounds like you are just married to a total deadbeat.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Glad I'm not alone.

I hate sex. Haven't been intimate with my husband for over a year, and that will never change.

If he needs it so badly and seeks it elsewhere - kudos to him. 

As long as he tells me he's doing it and doesn't lie about it - I'm good with that. Hopefully it will be so good he'll want to leave !!!

Thanks adv for hitting the nail on the head ... *and no respect = no interest in sex.*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why even get married? Let your husband get his needs met. Life's too short. You sound either selfish or have sexual issues.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Hmm, I didn't know you got married to have sex.

I already told him to go and get his needs met.

HE is my sexual issue. As I said - I can't have sex with a man who has no respect for me 'nor me for him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it's pretty selfish to marry someone and make them take a life-long commitment and then not have sex.

If you want your man to leave for sex and leave you, why be married at all?


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Neither of us is in a position to go anywhere financially.

It would not be financially beneficial to either of us to sell right now.

I am not selfish, my lack of desire is in part due to the lack of respect he has for me (name calling, emotional abuse), AND the biggest part - how I feel when the "act" is over. I almost feel raped, used. and THAT is NOT something I am willing to put myself through.

(NO, I have not been sexually abused).

I have no desire for sex with my husband or any other man for that matter. I have no desire period. And I do not pleasure myself either.

Women like me are a silent majority. Is it hard - indeed it is. I have NO doubt that had our sex life been different, our marriage would be different.

It's such a shame that it's all about sex.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

katc, was replying to your posts on another thread, and didn't realize that you were feeling emotionally abused. That you really have no desire at all for sex I find sad - nothing wrong with a low libido, no need to get it as often as so many commenters on here seem to (ie daily!!?), but sex is a healthy and wonderful thing. (and believe me I know, my marriage was undersexed for sure) I hope you find the strength in yourself to leave your H and eventually find that fulfillment and joy someday.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Me too.

But at this point in my life (just turned 50 - albeit I don't look it) and have no desire to get involved with another man anytime soon, I do feel like I have missed out.

Missed out in having a man respect me, love me, nurture me, communicate with me, like me for me.

I don't want to be alone, but prior to meeting my husband, I was single for 18 years - taking the time to raise my son (who is now 21 and out of the home).

Maybe. Maybe one day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

katc said:


> Me too.
> 
> But at this point in my life (just turned 50 - albeit I don't look it) and have no desire to get involved with another man anytime soon, I do feel like I have missed out.
> 
> ...


 I wish I knew you and we could share a bottle of wine.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Wow...just wow.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

I am one of those in the "silent majority" of women who doesn't like sex. I am with "tainted love" and can SO relate to her.

My husband and I have not been intimate for well over a year now and I do not see that changing.

It is not "selfish" on my part but rather a clear indication of the status of our marriage AND respecting my own self. If I were to have sex with my husband, I would, for days, have feelings / emotions that I dont' care to deal with. Is that selfish? I don't think so. I am protecting my emotional well being.

It bothers me to hear people who say "then why did you get married". I certainly did not get married just to have sex. Sex to me is the "icing on the cake". 

I don't like sex. I don't like how I feel afterwards. I struggle with it daily. I wish I were different, but I am not. 

I am grateful that my husband and I don't argue over it - we just don't talk about it.

If he chooses to seek it elsewhere, that is his choice. He is a grown man, able to make his own decisions in life. He will have to live with his choices.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

Sorry if that post seemed to come out of the blue - I was reading a post by Catherine602 to tainted love and was commenting, not realizing it was several pages back.

Sorry


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

katc said:


> If he chooses to seek it elsewhere, that is his choice. He is a grown man, able to make his own decisions in life. He will have to live with his choices.


so even though you show zero interest in him sexually and do not want to be intimate with him (or anyone), there would be ramifications for him if he sought satisfaction elsewhere? not trying to be argumentative, just curious.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

honey is that you?


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> so even though you show zero interest in him sexually and do not want to be intimate with him (or anyone), there would be ramifications for him if he sought satisfaction elsewhere? not trying to be argumentative, just curious.


No ramifications. We all have choices in life - if he chooses to seek it elsewhere he knows I'm good with that.

As long as he pays his share of the bills, and does his end of maintaining the house - I'm good with that.

And he does it outside of the home. Hopefully, if their relationship grows, he will choose to leave.

I cannot "fix" how I feel about him. And it isn't fair to him, he's a young, virile man. We just can't afford to split up right now.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> honey is that you?


:rofl:


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

katc said:


> It is not "selfish" on my part but rather a clear indication of the status of our marriage AND respecting my own self.


If your husband chooses to stay, support you, and continue to maintain the home and your standard of living, and maintain his vows to you despite the fact that you have chosen to intentionally ignore the sexual dimension of the marriage... he clearly has some amount of respect for you that you don't have for him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> honey is that you?


If it is let me talk to her. ;o}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Acorn said:


> If your husband chooses to stay, support you, and continue to maintain the home and your standard of living, and maintain his vows to you despite the fact that you have chosen to intentionally ignore the sexual dimension of the marriage... he clearly has some amount of respect for you that you don't have for him.


What?? I don't believe couples should think this way. Sex has the possibility to be the most intimate vulnerable act that two people can share when they are in love. It's a exchange of satisfaction's. Nothing to do with domestic duties of two people who make the decision to marry and have kids. 

Now the idea is that a man buys a wife and sex partner in exchange for supporting her then The way he treats her is of no consequence because it is not part of the deal. If he is nice then she can pay him by extra exciting sex

I don't think that women are aware that this is an interpretation of marital vows. Perhaps the vows should be more explicit to reflect the high value of the male contribution relative to the woman's. 

Woman: I promise to love and compensate you with sex for marrying me ....... Man: I promise to love and support you as long as I am compensated with sex for marrying you......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I made a point to say that it was disrespectful to intentionally ignore the sexual element of a marriage. Heck, it is disrespectful to intentionally ignore ANY aspect of marriage between spouses.

I did not expect to need the flame resistant suit for that one, LOL.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Acorn said:


> If your husband chooses to stay, support you, and continue to maintain the home and your standard of living, and maintain his vows to you despite the fact that you have chosen to intentionally ignore the sexual dimension of the marriage... he clearly has some amount of respect for you that you don't have for him.


She wrote that he has no respect for her. Years of abuse, etc. They're both there because they have nowhere else to go, not because he's some dude in armour.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> She wrote that he has no respect for her. Years of abuse, etc. They're both there because they have nowhere else to go, not because he's some dude in armour.


I didn't realize there was another thread on this which contained more detail. Sorry katc, was totally missing some information here.


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