# Step parenting with a difficult biological father



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My wife and I have been together now for just over 5 years.

She brought two kids along with her. Her ex wasn't a terrible person, but they broke up for more domestic reasons. He didn't help much with the kids, expected dinner on the table, never got up in the early morning hours to feed them when they were babies, etc. They both worked 8 hour days, yet he came home, put his feet up and relaxed, while she was expected to handle all the domestic things in addition to the kids. He then proceeded to accuse her of cheating on him because there was no sex (I wonder why there was no sex.. hmmm), and that was the last straw. See ya.

When she and I got together, he was understandably leery of me, and didn't like me. And because I knew about how he treated my gf/fw when they were together, I didn't like him much, either. I'm sure it was apparent, though not overt, on my part.

But I've since proven to him that I'm a good person to have around his kids, and that I'm involved, and staying involved. He's loosened up. 

Here's my problem: He still treats my (now) wife the same way he did back then - tells her what the schedule is going to be, based around his needs, rather than asks, for example. A lot of times it's on short notice. He has a revolving work schedule which seemingly always changes, and we tend to only get a few days notice most of the time.

So instead of him calling us up and asking to change the schedule around, it goes more like this: "So I have to work these hours on Tuesday, so I'll drop the kids off Monday night, okay?" (which is off the schedule that has been agreed upon). He'll make up for the time lost by switching another day around, which is fine. It's not about that. But what bugs me is that it's a statement, not a question. He's telling her/us, the way it's going to be.

On the rare occasion we can't accommodate his schedule (ie. we have plans), he acts all put-out and gets a little pissy, and he tries to guilt trip my wife by counting all the times HE'S changed his plans, blah blah blah. (this is rare, by the way, very rare. I'd say 80-90% of schedule changes are initiated by him). This results in him being "cold" to us for the next week or so.

My wife is a very easy-going woman, and I believe he takes advantage of this, just as he did in the past. She recognizes his selfishness, but hey, it's more time we get to spend with the kids, which is ultimately fine with both of us. At the end of the day, it's not a big deal to have them on an unscheduled day, obviously.

But I have taken issue with how he speaks to her, and expects her to just go on his schedule. She agrees, but she's also told me it's not worth getting into with him about. It's certainly not an inconvenience having the kids around, and I agree!

But I have discussed with her that it's the principle of the thing - how I don't like, and neither should she, how she speaks to her/us like this.

It still ends up being 50/50, more or less, but I disagree with how he goes about it, and I've told him myself. I've told him in no uncertain terms that, although I am "just" a step parent, I'd appreciate if he showed more respect to my wife in terms of how he tells, rather than asks, us/her when there's a schedule change. This set him off, and he emailed my wife a LONG message about how I spoke to him, blah blah blah. My wife was just as unhappy with me as she was with him over this, so we both got in ****... lol. But she's come around, and is a little more direct with him when he's pulled this since. Yet he still continues to do it...

Here's the kicker - his current wife is a daycare provider, out of their house...! But she won't take the kids because they'd put her over her maximum # for the day. Fine. Once, when we needed to make a schedule change, and she DID have room for them, he asked that we cover the costs for their care, because it was on our day, not his! He expected us to PAY his wife to look after HIS kids, because that's her job. Laughable. We eventually convinced him otherwise, but still... seriously?

Advice?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I think you have done all you can. You've told him that you find his behavior disrespectful and that was good. To do anymore will just cause more tension in your own home. And it seems that you both are doing a good job with the kids and enjoy them. I'd say just leave it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

indiecat said:


> I think you have done all you can. You've told him that you find his behavior disrespectful and that was good. To do anymore will just cause more tension in your own home. And it seems that you both are doing a good job with the kids and enjoy them. I'd say just leave it.


Yeah... I know you're right. I think I just needed to vent this somewhere, other than to my wife.

Perhaps I'm taking it too personally, as I see it as a slap in the face to my wife AND to me.

She insists he's just an idiot and has always been like that (not realizing how he's coming across to people). I can't help but take it as a subversive way that he's showing he's still in charge. I'm probably wrong, and even if I'm right, it shouldn't really matter... sigh.

My wife said he was never abusive towards her, however I disagreed. Having lived through emotional and mental abuse myself, I can recognize when somebody is using these tactics in a relationship, and taking control of their partners. He definitely did this to her, though on a smaller scale than my ex did to me. She was not "ruined", per se, as I was, and she also was able to leave the relationship on her own. However it appears as though he's continued his MO with her all these years later. It seems as though it's just the way he is, the way he was brought up, and that women are the cooks, cleaners, and baby-raisers, regardless of whether they also put in 8 hours a day at work, or not. The words he uses, and how he says them, are indicative of this. We do our best to show the kids that we have respect for all people in this house, but I worry what they're picking up over there, and whether one, or both of them, will learn to speak to women that way. (they're both boys, btw).

When he got together with my wife, he was fresh out of a marriage (with 3 kids), in which his ex allegedly cheated on him. He jumped right in with my wife, and as soon as THEY broke up, he was right in with the woman he's currently with. So he clearly needs a woman around at all times. Perhaps his ex ruined him, but he brought the suspicions of cheating with him to his relationship with my wife. And THAT was what ended it for her (in addition to the rest of the stuff). We both joke that now he has a woman who works from home, so she can't possibly cheat on him. Between them, they have like 7 kids, ranging in age from 7 to 20, all from previous relationships. So it's not like even in her downtime, when not working, she can get away on her own. My wife says she's the perfect woman for him! Couldn't even cheat if she wanted to, so he doesn't ever have to worry about this one!

It's just a PITA that I'd rather not have to deal with, and of course, nobody wants their spouse to be treated with disrespect.

However, I AM concerned with how he treats women, in general. Nothing TOO bad, but I get the impression that his current wife isn't treated much better. When we've had "discussions" on the subject, he insists that his wife not have to take part in the day-to-day care of "his" kids. As in, if he has to change his schedule, he calls MY wife (kids mom), rather than ask his spouse to look after the kids on "their" day. This was one of the main issues I brought up with him, and his response was basically that the kids should be with one of their biological parents, instead of being passed off to a step parent, whenever possible. 

I very casually mentioned this to his wife one day, when I was picking up the kids from their house (he was not around), and the next day, he calls my wife and gives her a blast of crap about how I was having conversations with his wife about how THEIR kids were being handled. I saw his point (sort of), but luckily my wife told him where to go, and that, although I was not in the right by bringing this up with his wife, that she also agreed with me about his parenting ideas.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are the kids?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... The ex is who he is, and you're not going to change him. All you can do is chose whether this affects you. If you don't like it, talk to your wife. She's the one that has to control things. She has a custody agreement with him. She has the ability to enforce it, if she wants to. If she doesn't want to and this bothers you, your problem is with her, not with him.

C


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

PBear said:


> My thoughts... The ex is who he is, and you're not going to change him. All you can do is chose whether this affects you. If you don't like it, talk to your wife. She's the one that has to control things. She has a custody agreement with him. She has the ability to enforce it, if she wants to. If she doesn't want to and this bothers you, your problem is with her, not with him.
> 
> C


No custody agreement. Just mutual agreement that things will be 50/50 (and they have been since the start). No financials involved, either, that is also assumed 50/50. They both work, and don't need either one to pay anything to the other. Costs for things like sports, clothes, etc. are discussed and divvied up.

They're 8 and 12, by the way. They were 3 and 7 when I met them. Oddly enough, the older one identifies more with me as a parent, and the younger one identifies more with mom. To them, the other place is a "second home". I think they prefer the quietness they get here, as opposed to 7 kids, several dogs, and a child care business there during the week. Here, they probably get more individual attention.

Dad is not oblivious to the fact that, when they are teenagers, they will likely prefer to live here, and only visit there once in a while. At the age they're at now, especially the younger one, they haven't developed those friendships with other kids yet, where they want to be part of a constant group. When they do, they won't like going back and forth.

What my wife and the father will do re: $$ at that point is up in the air... I don't expect he'll continue the 50/50 thing by then. My wife says she'll cross that bridge when we get to it, in response to my questioning why there's no agreement...


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## pinkslippers (Dec 16, 2013)

Honestly?

My ex is a jerk. He's rude, demeaning, bossy, demanding, and always thinks I owe him something. However, I wish, wish, WISH we had a civil relationship. I would love nothing more than for him and I to get along. If I need to change something, he freaks out. If he needs to change something, it's OK. My daughter is 15 and I've been married to my husband (her step-father) for 12/13yrs now. My ex refuses to even have a conversation with my husband. It's pretty sad.

If your wife's ex needs to change the schedule, take the change. It's more time with the kids-you're winning. If he's rude about it, smile politely and tell him to have a nice day-you're winning by showing you're the bigger person. If you wound up going to court over custody, you may not get 50/50 and someone may wind up paying child support. Yeah, he sounds like a snob, but who cares? Once the kids are 18 you'll never have to deal with him again except for graduation and weddings.
Just smile to his face and then curse him out in your head. As long as there's some civility, the kids win and you look like a saint.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing you can do is practice control over rude situations. If you're the one answering the phone or text, just reply 'this isn't the agreement, I prefer to stick to the agreement' or some such. Or if he gets rude, just hang up! That will teach him how to treat you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

All good advice, thank you!

Just to be clear, I wouldn't say he's being "rude". He's actually an okay guy (and it could be a LOT worse, that I know...)

I just don't like how he tells my wife/us how it's going to be, rather than asking. And he does it a lot. At least several times a month, his schedule needs changing. Again, it's usually fine with us, and no problem. It's more the way he goes about it that gets to me.

He also has nobody else to turn to, which is annoying. When we want to go out, we can find a sitter - a friend or family member. This doesn't happen often. When HE wants to go out, or change the schedule, he has nobody else, including his own wife. He'd prefer the kids come here, rather than "burden" his wife with them if he has to go out, or to work. Maybe she refuses, I don't know. She's nice enough, too, but she runs a daycare during the day, and her kids, as well as his are there all the time, with the exception of our two who go back and forth. It's obviously a zoo there.

I just don't like how he can't/won't find anybody else if HE can't be there himself. Like I said, he took advantage, somewhat, of my wife when they were together, and it doesn't appear things have changed. Their relationship, from the sounds of it, was pretty much the typical "I didn't sign up for this" once the kids came along, and she didn't stand for it. She was doing almost all the household work, looking after the kids, making dinners AND working every day. His excuse was that he worked harder (as she once told me) and that he had already had 3 kids from his previous marriage. Then she stopped having sex with him (duh. no time, too tired, and no more attraction...) so he accused her of cheating, followed her places, called her friends, all that. I've seen her story from others here on TAM, and I feel bad for her. As I said, she doesn't care now, because it's more time with the kids, but I don't like the principle behind it.

It's all good, though, I should just smile and nod and be polite!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmm, I still say you have control over the situation. You may lose out some extra time with the kids for a month or two, but just like training a 2 year old what they can and can't get away with, if you just stop going along with how he wants things, I'm sure he can figure it out.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She divorced him. That's assertive enough. If his changes in schedule are not truly disruptive to you, no, it's not your place to have a confrontation to prove some abstruse point.


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