# Feel Guilty Leaving Dad with Cancer...



## fspunt (May 3, 2010)

Hi,

My dad has Multiple Myeloma. He's been living with it for over 6 years and beat a lot of prognosis odds.

When we found out that he had cancer, I was in the last year of my university studies abroad. I gave up my intent of staying there after my studies to return home to be with my father. My mom is the primary care giver while my wife and I help out around the house. To be frank, my wife isn't on very good terms with my mom too. We have two very strong willed women living under the same roof. 

Recently, I just received a job offer to work overseas again. My wife is quite eager for me to take up this position. She also thinks that it is time for us to think about our future. She's leaving the ultimate decision to me. For years, she has been waiting for an opportunity like this.

I broke the news about this new offer and my interest in it to my parents. My mom feels quite sore about me wanting to go. I think she feels betrayed. She has not outright forbid us to leave. After all, my wife and I are both in our thirties. But I can see that she's hurt. She also thinks that we're leaving to avoid our obligations to her and my dad. My dad did not say much. He seemed to have accepted it. He just hopes to be able to live on and have the cancer controlled.

I have not accepted the offer yet. I'm torn between making a better life with my wife and to stay with my dad till his final days. I feel very guilty leaving my parents. This is one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make, and I hope I don't make the wrong one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tough one. I guess I wouldn't care so much what your mom thinks, as what your dad thinks. If you stayed, how much time would you have with him, quality time? If it's neglible - meaning you don't really do much more than just sit around and watch tv together - my first instinct would be that, if you take this job, you can set up regular visits to him where you spend every other weekend with him, until....well, you know.

I say that, and my mother just died a few months ago, and I wish I'd spent more time with her. But just living around her day after day wouldn't have been what either one of us wanted. 

I hope that makes sense.

If this job is one of those job of a lifetime jobs, and you've spent a lot of time caring for your dad already, I would think that he would want you to go.


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## Caterpillar (Mar 21, 2010)

I do feel for you being in such a diffucult position. Of course there are no easy answers and ultimately only you can decide, but here goes ...

Should I take it that there are no siblings/other family members who can help your mother around the house if you were to go. Are you in a position to help out financially with paying for some help for her and further would it be feasible for you to come back over and visit periodically for definite, rather than you're gone and that's it? 

Of course I realise that even if you are able to do these things it will not be the same as being there yourself, for you nor your parents but these are just some things to think about if you haven't already. 

Also you mention that your wife and your mother do not get along, perhaps a compromise would be for you to keep your current job, but to move out of your parent's home and be able to visit often and still help out. Might your wife feel more comfortable with such an arrangement and maybe your mother too. If you were to take up this option you might want to think about telling your parents that you won't be looking to work overseas for the next year/two years (whatever period you decide), so they know you are there for them now but that in the longer term it's likely you'll need go.

I guess alot depends upon how often the type of opportunity you are being offered comes around - if it's really rare and your parents, your dad in particular, are aware of this, they will understand and want what is best for you.


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