# I crossed the line...now she's sleeping at her mother's



## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

I need and would greatly appreciate honest feedback from both men and women from all walks of life. My wife of four months, whom I love very very much, has left me and is sleeping at her mother's house about 5 miles away. The problems began when I revealed to her a couple of weeks ago that I came close to having a physical relationship with another woman.

Here's what happened. I kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend after my wife and I were married four months ago. My ex-girlfriend feels lonely at times and I think that makes her have too much contact with people she shouldn't have so much contact with (ie married men like me). I have a very limited amount of close friends and I liked the option of writing her every now and then for somebody to talk to.. It was always innocent until a few weeks ago. She even attended our wedding and gave us a wedding gift.

Over the past few months, I began taking some medications prescribed by a doctor to enhance my libido. (good call on my part, huh? -- NOT) My wife knew about these medications. It felt great, because I was always having intense orgasms with my wife and of course that made her feel good. I loved the feeling of the extra libido. So I continued taking these meds.

I began having dreams of a sexual nature about my ex-girlfriend. I would wake up and dwell on these dreams for longer and longer each time. My wife didn't know about this of course. So a few weeks ago, I started writing my ex-girlfriend more. We began flirting very subtly. Finally to the point I thought she was ready to sleep with me. So, I invited her over to our house while I was here alone. She didn't know my wife was not here. She came in and we chatted for about an hour and a half. I had purchased a contraceptive just in case. But while my ex was here, we kept our conversation innocent. Mostly talking about my wedding, our mutual friends and politics.

So, nothing happens physically, not even a small kiss. My ex leaves the house and my wife had no idea she was there. I lied to her about what I was doing during that time frame. A couple of days later, the thoughts persisted in my head about my ex. So, I wrote her a text that explained that I was having sexual thoughts about her often. I left it at that. I didn't ask her to have sex with me, I was letting her know where my thoughts were. Obviously, I was making a huge huge mistake.

My ex girlfriend received my text and wrote me back that she will not be a part of any betrayal of marriage vows. I felt stunned and ashamed of myself. I had proposed in writing the thought of breaking my marriage vows. I was immediately overwhelmed with guilt. I told me ex that i was sorry and that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my wife. I apologized for putting her (my ex) in that position. 

That same night, still overwhelmed with guilt, I finally decided my wife needed to know what I had done. She needed to know I came close to having sex with another woman and that it's a problem I need to address. Also, she had a right to know that's who I was. Although, I've always been very faithful to my wife before and while we were dating.. was completely faithful.

I apologized profusely. Naturally, my wife was devastated when she heard the news. She began asking tons of questions and I leveled with her on everything. I told her about the contraceptive, the text message to my ex, having her over here at the house. Every sordid detail, I told my wife. She was very upset.

She told me I needed to delete my ex's number. Block her on fb. Cut off all contact. I did this immediately. She said she needed lots of love and attention. I tried. She said she needed us to go to therapy. I initially agreed, but I felt like she was making that a condition of our marriage and like an idiot, I dragged my feet on the therapy. Eventually, she said yes she would leave me over the therapy. So.. I agreed to see a therapist. It was the right thing to do and I didn't want to lose my wife. 

After I agreed to see a therapist, I asked my wife if she was really going to leave me over it. She insisted no, that she could have never left me. I was being stupid in my pride. I should have never pushed her to that point in the first place. But she insisted she couldn't have left.

Fast forward to this past wednesday. We had an argument over money she spent for an oil change. $90 when she had suggested it was going to be $40 the night before. I was upset at first, but I was ready to move on. At the end of the day, not a big deal. But it was a big deal to her. At that point, she was ready to leave me, because she didn't feel that I was showing her enough consideration in a time she really needed it. 

So, she almost left me Wednesday night. I asked her when she was getting her stuff out. She said Friday. She goes an withdraws a lot of money out of our joint checking account. She said she was protecting herself in case I went crazy and withdrew it all leaving her with nothing. I said fine. I didn't go crazy. I want her to have a safety net. 

We made up Wednesday night. She went back to the bank and deposited all the money. But I was stunned. I knew she was very close to leaving me. I was cordial to my wife later Wednesday night and Thursday, but I was distant. I felt broken. My wife tried to get me to reaffirm my love several times Thursday. I did tell her I loved her several times. I told her we needed some time to work on things though. I wanted to work through it with her. I couldn't just feel the same all at once.

Thursday afternoon as I returned to work from lunch, she decided to leave me. She couldn't take the pain of a broken friendship any longer. She took some clothes over to her mother's house and wrote me that she left.

I was devastated, but chose not to do anything rash or harmful. I was suicidal, but kept in contact with my friends. I was up until 6am Friday. I called into work.. I couldn't think about work. All I could think about was her coming home. 

We've talked ever since and last night we had dinner out and she came back her for sex with me. But she ended up going back to her mother's house. She says she needs to make sure I am not going to hurt her again. She says she needs to see me taking real steps to change with a therapist. Fair enough. She insists the reason she left was not primarily the ex girlfriend thing. That I had been controlling and not easy to deal with. 

I didn't stalk her. I'm letting her have her time. But, we've been married four months. We were a very close couple. The pain of her being gone is immeasurable. Her parents want her to stay gone for at least a couple of months while I get help on my own. I told my wife that it was pretty much out of the question for me to be separated that long after we just got married four months ago. The thought is that I have some demons from my childhood that I need to work out. My wife thinks the reason I almost cheated is because I have some issues that go back to my childhood. I told her that is fine and that I will seek help, but I told her I thought we needed help together.

My reasoning is that she knew all this about me four months ago. She knew about my trials and tribulations then. Nothing is different now. She told me she thought her love could inspire me to get past those things in my past. I told her that is not a good premise to get married to someone on. I told her I needed her here and we needed couples therapy. She has begrudgingly agreed to see a therapist as a couple. 

Last night we had sex. Today she is telling me it made it harder on her, because she really wants to come home. Her family doesn't want her to get hurt again. I see both sides, but my wife promised me she would stay with me through anything. Four months into the marriage and we are already separated? I'm really worried. I think anything is possible. It can be salvaged if we both work at it. However, if it's all about me and me alone getting better first, I am worried that it won't fix our ills. Even though she has agreed to couples therapy, I am concerned this is still all about me. And maybe it should be. That is why I posted this mammoth letter to the forum.

My goal is to have her home with me and to work through our problems. I want to make my wife the happiest woman in the world, but I know we are equals in this relationship too. How do you think I'm handling it at this point?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, I'm on your wife's side, as far as I can tell. You need to work aggressively on fixing what's broken in you, if that's what caused you to cheat on her. And yes, even if you didn't have sex with your ex, you did cheat.

You should be doing whatever she thinks you need to do to fix things, and you should be doing them wholeheartedly.

C


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Sorry, I'm on your wife's side, as far as I can tell. You need to work aggressively on fixing what's broken in you, if that's what caused you to cheat on her. And yes, even if you didn't have sex with your ex, you did cheat.
> 
> You should be doing whatever she thinks you need to do to fix things, and you should be doing them wholeheartedly.
> 
> C


Cool. Thank you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like your W is thinking she shouldn't have married you, she thought she was seeing past your baggage, that it was behind you, but you have serious boundary and self esteem issues to this day. You were having an EA and hoping it would go PA, no wonder your W is so hurt. This early on in your marriage she she be seeking an annulment, because if she was smart she'd get out now rather than risk a lifetime of broken trust with you.

As for you, if the idea of you ex is so appealing why are you even married? You have basically admitted you are more attracted to your ex than your own W. Do both yourselves a favor and give your W what she is asking for, this is nothing to do with what committment you think your W owes you, she has no equal share in your decision to cheat on her. You have already broken the vows, she didn't, it is completely her right to end the marriage or if it is worth working past this, the worst thing you could do is manipulate her or try to influence her to do something she doesn't want so just give her the time to decide what she needs to do.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> As for you, if the idea of you ex is so appealing why are you even married? You have basically admitted you are more attracted to your ex than your own W.


So, if a man has a fling, it means he's more attracted to the person he's having the fling with than his wife? So, basically, if a man cheats, it should be over? I'm not saying you are wrong. Just want to make sure I understand.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

The title of your thread is, "I crossed the line... now she's sleeping at her mother's"

Yes, you definitely did cross the point, sadly, I don't think you know where the line is.



ToKillaMockingbird said:


> Here's what happened. I kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend after my wife and I were married four months ago. *My ex-girlfriend feels lonely at times and I think that makes her have too much contact with people she shouldn't have* so much contact with (ie married men like me). I have a very limited amount of close friends and* I liked the option of writing her every now and then for somebody to talk to.. It was always innocent* until a few weeks ago. She even attended our wedding and gave us a wedding gift.


This is highly inappropriate and quite honestly, nothing innocent about it. This is an *Emotional Affair*. The funny thing is, you make your ex sound like she's the needy one (which she is needy); however, you need to be asking yourself why you need to step outside of your relationship with your wife and dishonor your marriage by seeking approval/validation/acceptance from another woman? If you're lonely, you should turn to your wife or male friends, even pets NOT another woman. Introspection is a very good idea.



> Over the past few months, I began taking some medications prescribed by a doctor to enhance my libido....I began having dreams of a sexual nature about my ex-girlfriend. I would wake up and dwell on these dreams for longer and longer each time.


The meds DID NOT make you have sexy dreams about your ex, your emotional affair/attachments and inappropriate interactions with her did. OWN IT.



> So a few weeks ago, I started writing my ex-girlfriend more. We began flirting very subtly. Finally to the point I thought she was ready to sleep with me. So, I invited her over to our house while I was here alone....I had purchased a contraceptive just in case.






> But while my ex was here, we kept our conversation innocent....


:rofl:What a riot! Make no mistake, there was NOTHING innocent about this. It was deceit, precalculated and you were fully willing to turn the EA into a PA had your ex allowed it to happen.



> So, nothing happens physically, not even a small kiss....


Assuming your Wife now knows that your ex came over while she was not home and that you lied/kept secrets about this, you would expect your wife to believe the above because???




> So, I wrote her a text that explained that I was having sexual thoughts about her often. I left it at that. I didn't ask her to have sex with me, I was letting her know where my thoughts were. Obviously, I was making a huge huge mistake.


Wrong again. This wasn't a _"mistake"_, this was a _*choice*_ to dishonour your wife and your marriage. You need to take responsibility and call it what it is.



> My ex girlfriend received my text and wrote me back that she will not be a part of any betrayal of marriage vows.


A little late on her part but okay.



> Although, I've always been very faithful to my wife before and while we were dating.. was completely faithful.


I'm sorry but this is hard to believe. If you had similar contact with your ex or with other women that you had with the ex, then you weren't as faithful as you think....



> I apologized profusely. Naturally, my wife was devastated when she heard the news. She began asking tons of questions and I leveled with her on everything. I told her about the contraceptive, the text message to my ex, having her over here at the house. Every sordid detail, I told my wife. She was very upset.
> 
> She told me I needed to delete my ex's number. Block her on fb. Cut off all contact. I did this immediately. She said she needed lots of love and attention. I tried. She said she needed us to go to therapy. I initially agreed, but I felt like she was making that a condition of our marriage and like an idiot, I dragged my feet on the therapy. Eventually, she said yes she would leave me over the therapy. So.. I agreed to see a therapist. It was the right thing to do and I didn't want to lose my wife.


Apology is only one thing you need to do here. Moreover, you need to do it for the right reasons (being truly remorseful and understanding and regretful of what you've done); it is not good enough to apologize only so you can ease your pain. Also, they're just words. If you really love your wife, care about your marriage and want to fix this for you and her (not just for you), then you need to do the work. Your wife needs ACTIONS.

Resistance to counseling is a d!ck move, sorry to say. That, in addition to "_I tried_." sounds like you are unwilling or uncapable (likely both at this point) of doing what you need to save your marriage. 



> I was upset at first, but I was ready to move on. At the end of the day, not a big deal. But it was a big deal to her. At that point, she was ready to leave me, because she didn't feel that I was showing her enough consideration in a time she really needed it.


You seriously betrayed your wife and damaged your marriage, she's right. You weren't showing her consideration in a time she really needed it. This is not the time to fight with your wife about oil changes or any other trivial matters. This is the time you should be doing whatever you can to show remorse and trying to make her life a lot less sh!tty. 



> I was devastated, but chose not to do anything rash or harmful. I was suicidal...


You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim here. That said, if you are having suicidal thoughts - seek help immediately. Nobody wants you to off yourself here buddy so make sure you take care of that.



> She says she needs to make sure I am not going to hurt her again. She says she needs to see me taking real steps to change with a therapist. Fair enough.


Yep, fair enough. I'd suggest starting on IC, No Contact with the ex or any other inappropriate relationships with other women, and giving your spouse the space she needs while still being available to her and showing remorse... that's a start.



> She insists the reason she left was not primarily the ex girlfriend thing. That I had been controlling and not easy to deal with.


Don't be fooled. She is no doubt very hurt/angry/devastated in ways you can't imagine about your affair. Even if she denies it as her reason for leaving, this had a huge impact on why she's at mom's right now. I do not doubt that if she says you're controlling/not easy to deal with, and that it's also an issue.... arguing about the oil change was probably not the smartest move and indicates you may not be easy to deal with. 



> I told my wife that it was pretty much out of the question for me to be separated that long after we just got married four months ago.


Yeah actually, you've pretty much confirmed that you are controlling in this sentence alone... I wasn't as sure when I wrote the last paragraph but this is very telling. WAKE UP!!! You destroyed your marriage - - you don't get to call the shots anymore!!!



> The thought is that I have some demons from my childhood that I need to work out. My wife thinks the reason I almost cheated is because I have some issues that go back to my childhood.


Everybody has a past and your childhood probably did contribute to your inability to be loyal to your wife. It is worth looking into.




> I told her that is fine and that I will seek help, but I told her I thought we needed help together.


Do not make your desire for marriage counseling/help as a couple take precedence over your very real need for individual counseling. Take initiative and prove to your wife that you are sincere by beginning counseling and getting help on your own. Let her see some change before making any demands on her -- sorry to say it but you're not even entitled to be making requests/demands at this time anyhow. 



> I told her I needed her here and we needed couples therapy. She has begrudgingly agreed to see a therapist as a couple.


Count this as a blessing. She owes you nothing. You should be grateful she's decided to go and get help with you. If it were me, I wouldn't agree to MC until my H had started IC. 



> my wife promised me she would stay with me through anything. Four months into the marriage and we are already separated?


You made a promise 4 months ago that you would love, honor and cherish your wife. You broke that promise. Your feelings of injustice about her leaving are unjustified and scream of self-entitlement. 




> I'm really worried. I think anything is possible. It can be salvaged if we both work at it. However, if it's all about me and me alone getting better first, I am worried that it won't fix our ills.
> Even though she has agreed to couples therapy, I am concerned this is still all about me. * And maybe it should be.*


YES!!! Right now it should be all about you. The affair and you fixing your personal demons takes precedence over any other marital issues hands-down. It was you who destroyed your marriage -- the focus should be mostly about fixing you and resolving the issues that led up to the affair. 



> However, if it's all about me and me alone getting better first,I am worried that it won't fix our ills.


There are NO guarantees except that if you don't focus on getting better first, your marriage will not be salvageable. 



> How do you think I'm handling it at this point?


Personally, I think you've made some right moves and a lot of bad ones. I don't think you totally "get it" yet but I do think there is hope for you if you are willing to take a real good look at yourself and take responsibility for your actions.

First, you need to stop minimizing your relationship with your ex and call a spade a spade. You cheated --you had an emotional affair and were more that willing to turn it into a physical affair. This is SERIOUS betrayal. 

Second, you need to try to understand what this has done to your wife and your marriage. I highly suggest reading, "Understanding the Pain" by Beowulf. Read it one hundred times if you have to. There are also countless of other posts that you should be looking at as well, one of them being, "The Blame Game".

Third, you need to realize that you broke your marriage - not your wife. While you both do have to work together to fix it, you have a lot of things you need to fix within yourself and take responsibility for before expecting your wife to make any move towards you. 

You have an uphill battle to fight here - especially since this occurred so early on in your marriage. Whether or not it gets fixed, mostly depends on you. If I had no children and had only been married for four months before being betrayed, I would get an annulment personally -- but that's just me.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> First, you need to stop minimizing your relationship with your ex and call a spade a spade. You cheated --you had an emotional affair and were more that willing to turn it into a physical affair. This is SERIOUS betrayal.
> 
> Second, you need to try to understand what this has done to your wife and your marriage. I highly suggest reading, "Understanding the Pain" by Beowulf. Read it one hundred times if you have to. There are also countless of other posts that you should be looking at as well, one of them being, "The Blame Game".
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Thank you for this excellent and honest feedback. You made me realize why I am very lucky to have a wife who still talks to me and is meeting me to go see a movie here shortly. I will do all I can do show her I want to change. Thank you for confirming for me that this is due to the EA. I need to zero in on the root cause.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

You're lucky you can still refer to her as your wife. She needs to find a man that really cares about her before she wastes any more time on her current marriage. Right now, she's feeling like the backup plan because the ex girlfriend rejected you. Reverse the roles and imagine how it must feel.


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## Socke (Aug 18, 2012)

The point that you are not completely recognizing is that you did, in fact, cheat on your wife. An emotional affair is cheating. If she needs space while she sorts out her emotions --- and allows you to sort out yours --- you should give it to her. 

The reality is that had your ex been up for it (and kudos to her, BTW) you most likely would have had a physical affair, as well. Your wife of only 4 months needs plenty of time to come to terms with that reality. I give you credit for telling her and giving her every detail. That demonstrates a lot on your part and may be helpful to her when she gets the far in her thought process. 

Apparently the therapy was a big issues for her and the fact that you dragged your feet on that didn't sit well with her. It was a a sort of "rug sweeping" of the incidient. You didn't follow through on her demands so she was still harboring resentment, and thus, left the house. You indeed have issues that you need to work on for yourself before marriage therapy can be really effective. 

Clearly that was a big issue for her so I would focus on that. Tell her you want her to come home but you understand that she can only do that if and when she is ready. She will respect you for this. 

Good luck.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

ToKillaMockingbird said:


> So, if a man has a fling, it means he's more attracted to the person he's having the fling with than his wife?


When you decided to start an emotional affair or "fling" with another woman, you demonstrated that you valued this other woman and your desire for validation from other women OVER your wife and your marriage.




ToKillaMockingbird said:


> So, basically, if a man cheats, it should be over?


Depending on how the man truly feels and conducts himself after revealing the affair or getting caught, then yes.

Right now, you are not in the emotional space/have not been acting in a way that says you deserve to be married. 

A man or woman who strays, that takes responsibility for the affair, for the pain they've caused their spouse, for the damage they've done to their marriage and is truly remorseful....

AND

Does the work on themself through individual counseling, marriage counseling, reading books/taking advice, introspection and reflection....

AND 

Shows/demonstrates true change and remorse and personal growth through their ACTIONS, is worth another chance.

Anything less than the above is unacceptable.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ToKillaMockingbird said:


> So, if a man has a fling, it means he's more attracted to the person he's having the fling with than his wife?...


quite obviously to this part



ToKillaMockingbird said:


> ...So, basically, if a man cheats, it should be over? I'm not saying you are wrong. Just want to make sure I understand.


Well yes the vows have been nullified at that point, but it is up to both spouses if they want to retry the marriage again.

and it goes for both genders, not just men.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> When you decided to start an emotional affair or "fling" with another woman, you demonstrated that you valued this other woman and your desire for validation from other women OVER your wife and your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OK, I get it now. Please understand, she has been adamant since separation that it was not the EA which drove her away. So I am just now piecing all this together.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

ToKillaMockingbird said:


> OK, I get it now. Please understand, she has been adamant since separation that it was not the EA which drove her away. So I am just now piecing all this together.


I believe that she'd say that. She may even believe it herself. However, going through something like this is such an emotional process. She is bound to say one thing with conviction one day and something totally different the next. She is also likely to feel a certain way towards you one moment and then something totally different the next. 

If she is insisting your control issues/difficult to live with was her main concern then make sure to put a lot of time and energy working on that too. But don't think that just because she acts nonchalantly one moment about your affair, that it's okay. Enabling yourself a false sense of security over that, no matter how insistent she is, is foolish.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling in order to work out what you did that was so wrong. 

It's possible the EA was just the cherry on the icing that drove your wife away.

Be patient, fix yourself and then see if you can fix your marriage.

Keep your wife informed of your progress, but do not be too pushy.


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## Astonefeather (Jan 1, 2010)

I recently left my husband over a similar situation. There were a lot of problems in our marriage that I wanted to work on. A lot of it involving control and emotional neglect on his part. I thought my love and understanding would eventually bring about a resolution with therapy, communication and emotional reciprocity. 

But then he entered into an EA as a means of escaping my needs. Or maybe he was always in love with the OW, I will never know for sure. That was the final straw. So, while I maintain that I did not leave over the affair, I would have stayed much longer if he had just honored his marriage vows to me.

I would have stayed in a broken marriage and continued to be unhappy, but determined to fix it. But once I realized he didn't even love me enough to respect the basic boundaries of our marriage, I knew I had to leave.

I have told my husband to do the following: drop the OW like a rock (he hasn't), go to therapy (he hasn't), and communicate with me (he hasn't). It makes it much easier for me to stay at home with my family when he can't do these small things to prove he loves me at all.

If you want her back, do all the things she wanted you to do while you were still together. DO NOT DRAG YOUR FEET. She owes you nothing at this point, you owe her everything. Your "needs" for couples therapy, etc are moot. She tried to get you to meet her halfway and you didn't. Now you're on your own to earn her trust back. Then you can move forward as a couple.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If your ex would of accepted and you would of slept with her,, would you of felt guilty and told your wife..?? ( I know, you can't answer)

Or would you just continue the affair and be happy about being able to use your sex pills to the max?

You've only been married 4 months and propositioning an ex...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It's your ex-girlfriend's fault for being lonely and having much contact with people she shouldn't like you? Way to blame shift there. Own your ****. I'm on your wife's side.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Socke said:


> The point that you are not completely recognizing is that you did, in fact, cheat on your wife. An emotional affair is cheating. If she needs space while she sorts out her emotions --- and allows you to sort out yours --- you should give it to her.
> 
> The reality is that had your ex been up for it (and kudos to her, BTW) you most likely would have had a physical affair, as well. Your wife of only 4 months needs plenty of time to come to terms with that reality. I give you credit for telling her and giving her every detail. That demonstrates a lot on your part and may be helpful to her when she gets the far in her thought process.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot. The problem is I have friends telling me this EA was a 3 out of 10. I should mention I am 33. Some of my friends are a bit younger than me. I think my generation has to come to grips with responsibility or else more and more marriages will fail. I definitely agree it was an EA and if the roles were reversed, I would be completely devastated. I hope I can keep my marriage from failing. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> I believe that she'd say that. She may even believe it herself. However, going through something like this is such an emotional process. She is bound to say one thing with conviction one day and something totally different the next. She is also likely to feel a certain way towards you one moment and then something totally different the next.
> 
> If she is insisting your control issues/difficult to live with was her main concern then make sure to put a lot of time and energy working on that too. But don't think that just because she acts nonchalantly one moment about your affair, that it's okay. Enabling yourself a false sense of security over that, no matter how insistent she is, is foolish.


I agree. I was king of the world until the EA was revealed to her. It did improve a few days after the EA was revealed, but I think the hurt and pain of said EA will last for a very long time. I'm so sorry I hurt her in this way. She will likely give me one more shot and I will make the best of it.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Astonefeather said:


> I have told my husband to do the following: drop the OW like a rock (he hasn't), go to therapy (he hasn't), and communicate with me (he hasn't). It makes it much easier for me to stay at home with my family when he can't do these small things to prove he loves me at all.
> 
> If you want her back, do all the things she wanted you to do while you were still together. DO NOT DRAG YOUR FEET. She owes you nothing at this point, you owe her everything. Your "needs" for couples therapy, etc are moot. She tried to get you to meet her halfway and you didn't. Now you're on your own to earn her trust back. Then you can move forward as a couple.


I was selfish on the therapy. Dropped the OW like a rock immediately. I've been pretty communicative. I believe her mom is working against me. "If my husband ever cheated on me, I'd leave him, no questions asked" is what she told my wife the other day. She loves her mom too. The only thing is, I've spent lots of time with the in laws. Their marriage is really banal. They don't do much of anything together at all and my wife has lamented to me before that she does not want their marriage. But she loves her mother. I'm overwhelmed with fear.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> If your ex would of accepted and you would of slept with her,, would you of felt guilty and told your wife..?? ( I know, you can't answer)
> 
> Or would you just continue the affair and be happy about being able to use your sex pills to the max?
> 
> You've only been married 4 months and propositioning an ex...


I'm not totally sure I would have went through with the physicality with the ex, because I didn't make any bold moves while she was at my house and I was already overwhelmed with guilt. I'm sure the odds are I would have, but I'm not sure about it. But to answer your question, I think if I slept with her, I would have been overwhelmed with guilt and told my wife. But, truthfully, I've never been in that situation before and I don't know for what would have happened. All I know is what did happen.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

CantePe said:


> It's your ex-girlfriend's fault for being lonely and having much contact with people she shouldn't like you? Way to blame shift there. Own your ****. I'm on your wife's side.


Where did I say it was my ex-girlfriend's fault? I was simply explaining her motivations. My wife knows her and knows it too. She did exactly what I said she did. In no way does that take blame from me.


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## ToKillaMockingbird (Sep 2, 2012)

She is telling me now that I wasn't meeting her needs before and that I have been very selfish. Then she said even if I go to therapy on my own, she is not sure if I can make her happy during that time. She talks very little about the EA and trust in general. It's becoming more and more about me doing the little things to make her happy. My only concern is.. after four months of marriage, all the sudden, I'm not making the cut? 

It's not like I don't do anything for her or with her. I'm a little scared. What if my EA was part of a larger issue? What if I was, in a sense, striking out against my wife? She, by her own words, is high maintenance. We have talked and talked for days about this since she left. Very little talk about me keeping my D in my pants. It's more about meeting her emotional needs on a day to day basis and today I found out I wasn't meeting her sexual needs.

The thing is, we never had such frank discussions before she left about her needs not being met to the point where she just wasn't happy. She never told me she wasn't happy being with me. Usually, it was quite the opposite in fact. I'm a little worried she might be emotionally immature. I'm in it forever, because I made that commitment and she is the most amazing woman I've ever met. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't have flaws. I'm just worried.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You may be in it forever, but since she is already high maintance, I don't see much future here dude. 
She is going to beat you with this thruout your marriage.

She is going to use your f**kup to doormat you from here on.


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