# Family visiting from out of state...



## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

My wife's sister recently visited us from a couple states north of us. Four kids, two dogs + husband and was wondering how to deal with some of the items below. I did my best to deal with the situation as best I could, basically I had a lot of alcohol to help. I don't know how to bring this up to my wife and have a positive outcome, without having a huge argument. please help?? 

1. Should their visit be a financial burden to us? It's not a horrible amount but if they visit every 3 months like they stated, what we spend with them we would literally be able to buy a vacation of our own. 

2. Their visit was open ended.. I asked my wife how long they were staying, her first response was 3 nights. After they got here they changed it to 4 nights and a day later again changed it to 5 nights. Is this normal to deal with? 

3. Their two little ones(8 & 6 old) were a bit wild running all over the house and jumping on our new couches as if it was a playground. Both parents did not say anything.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

How does your wife feel about them visiting?


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> How does your wife feel about them visiting?


She love having them here and does not care about the money but then again she does not deal with any financials.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Hospitality is a wonderful thing.

Having said that, my personal belief is that you should _always_ be comfortable in your own home.

Their visit should not be a financial burden. If your wife doesn't understand the cost, write it out for her.

Be kind, yet clear about visit expectations. Take some time to really think about your preferences, and then see what your wife's are, and try to come up with a compromise that suits you both -_ but in a genuine way_. Don't say 'yes' if you don't mean it.

In terms of wild children, I don't know. 😳 Permissive parenting sucks. 😅

Every three months is a lot.

Would it be better to rent a house somewhere else and meet up? Then at least, each person pays their portion for the house and deposit (damage from children) and groceries.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you go and stay with them every other time? That way it will mean they only come to yours every 6 months. 
How big is your home?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Can you go and stay with them every other time? That way it will mean they only come to yours every 6 months.


That's a great idea! 🤗


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> Hospitality is a wonderful thing.
> 
> Having said that, my personal belief is that you should _always_ be comfortable in your own home.
> 
> ...


Renting a house and meeting up is an excellent suggestion!! Thank you and appreciate your response all great advice.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

So what does it cost you? If it's just food, I might be able to live with that. But then again, they shouldn't expect for you to pay anything. As a guest I would offer some cash for groceries.

As far as the kids jumping all over the couch, it wouldn't be out of line to calmly say, "guys, let's not jump on the furniture, ok?" And do it with a smile and pleasant voice so they know you are just telling them.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Can you go and stay with them every other time? That way it will mean they only come to yours every 6 months.
> How big is your home?


My house is bigger i have two spare rooms and i'm in Florida. So the incentives are much greater for them to come down then the other way around + their house is pretty small.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> So what does it cost you? If it's just food, I might be able to live with that. But then again, they shouldn't expect for you to pay anything. As a guest I would offer some cash for groceries.
> 
> As far as the kids jumping all over the couch, it wouldn't be out of line to calmly say, "guys, let's not jump on the furniture, ok?" And do it with a smile and pleasant voice so they know you are just telling them.


 So this time around it was a little less than $500, not counting what ever resources they used that I had at home. Water bottles, food, breakfast items, etc....


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Johnny02Pike said:


> So this time around it was a little less than $500, not counting what ever resources they used that I had at home. Water bottles, food, breakfast items, etc....


$500? Oh hell no.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

As far as the kids jumping on the furniture, nothing wrong with speaking up. You don't have to sound mean or anything like that. Just says hey guys, please don't jump on the furniture as I don't want y'all to get hurt.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

My mother used to tell me ... "After three days guests and fish both stink."


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Johnny02Pike said:


> ... if they visit every 3 months like they stated ...


So, if I have this right, they want to visit every THREE MONTHS for up to 5 days at a time (or maybe even longer?). No. Just. No. And I'll add a HELL NO to that.

I'm all for families getting together, but this sounds like a bit much to me, particularly when you factor in active kids and a couple of dogs.

You live in Florida. Now all you need do is own a boat and you'll NEVER get rid of them!😅


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> So, if I have this right, they want to visit every THREE MONTHS for up to 5 days at a time (or maybe even longer?). No. Just. No. And I'll add a HELL NO to that.
> 
> I'm all for families getting together, but this sounds like a bit much to me, particularly when you factor in active kids and a couple of dogs.
> 
> You live in Florida. Now all you need do is own a boat and you'll NEVER get rid of them!😅


Holy cow your right.. as you stated above HELL NO.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> $500? Oh hell no.


that's kinda what I was thinking, sounds like 500 is a bit much for us to spend on them.. btw we never had any family stay over because we lived in the same city all of our lives until we moved to FL last year. I feel like now is the time to set some ground rules before they get out of hand.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnny02Pike said:


> So this time around it was a little less than $500, not counting what ever resources they used that I had at home. Water bottles, food, breakfast items, etc....


For only 4-5 days???What did they eat, caviar????


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Absolutely have a right to be upset and to say something! It's your house, they should have respect for it. Not even mentioning the cost to you the possible damage to your furniture should be enough for you to say something


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re the Golden Ticket now that you’re in Florida and every three months at $500 a visit adds up quickly. Your wife isn’t going to limit that so you’re going to be the bad guy when you bring it up. Start now while it’s still fresh in your mind. If you put it off, the next visit will be here before you’re ready to face it.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> You’re the Golden Ticket now that you’re in Florida and every three months at $500 a visit adds up quickly. Your wife isn’t going to limit that so you’re going to be the bad guy when you bring it up. Start now while it’s still fresh in your mind. If you put it off, the next visit will be here before you’re ready to face it.


Very good point!!!!


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Johnny02Pike said:


> that's kinda what I was thinking, sounds like 500 is a bit much for us to spend on them.. btw we never had any family stay over because we lived in the same city all of our lives until we moved to FL last year. I feel like now is the time to set some ground rules before they get out of hand.


Easy solution. Spaghetti. $1 for a whole box....well, $2 now, a jar of Ragu, maybe some meatballs. $6 total. One and done. No steak or shrimp anymore.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Six people and two dogs. 😳


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Does W like it mostly cos she gets to hang with sis? Suggest she goes to her sis instead and they come to you once yearly. Sweeten it by saying kids will be in school if W goes there.
4 noisy young kids (undisclplined) & 2 dogs would do my head in.
5 nights from 3? Strict timeline beforehand if she agrees to once yearly.
I'd say to my H that apart from above, wld be 12 weeks of stress yearly for me; dreading it the week b4 & recovering for a week after LOL
@Openminded said cost, mb $2000+/yr & nip it in the bud. Yup!
Otherwise you'll turn into an alcoholic 😆. Good luck!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is one of those situations where if you try to be the nice guy, you are going to get walked all over. 

My wife always wants to fill the house with her family as well. I actually like them and they are genuinely decent people but they had several kids spread out over a dozen years so they always had crying, pooping, puking babies and toddlers getting into things and little kids running around. 

They would also bring dogs that would howl and cry at night and get into things. 

I was always ok with them coming for a night or two. But my wife always wanted them to stay and just be around all the time. 

I finally had to put my foot down and there was really no delicate way that had any effect. I finally had to just come out and say that it was my home too and that my peace and comfort matter as well. (call it OLM for Oldshirt Life Matters LOL) 

It's all about boundaries and acceptable parameters. 

The first thing I put the kabosh on was her inviting them for multiple days without even running it by me. She would invite them for a long weekend and then just spring it on me the night before. 

The first thing I put in place was she had to ASK me if it was ok with me if they were to come at a particular time and for a specified period of time. I told her that 99% of the time I would probably say yes but that I needed to have veto power or the ability to place length of stay limits depending on what I was doing at that particular time ( I worked a rotating weekend schedule in a very high-stress and demanding job and didn't want to be up all night with crying babies and howling dogs) 

I also offered that if I was not up for a house full of inlaws, that I would pay for a hotel room. 

What's ironic about that is when I mentioned the hotel, she said, "Yeah but there is so many of them and they have lots of little kids and a baby and dog, they won't want to be crammed in a hotel with all that." 

To which my response was, "But it's ok for you to cram them all in MY HOUSE with ME????" She got mad, but the reason she was mad was because my point was valid. 

It basically came down to respect and common courtesy. I wanted to asked first if it was ok with me before she made the invitations and made the plans. And I wanted to have some agency over my own home and family and be able to put some common sense parameters on how long they were in my house and be able to discuss other options such as hotel rooms and such. 

That is a perfectly reasonable and responsible request.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And as far as the $500 expenses when they visit, unless you are wealthy and making invitation to your summer home in the Hamptons, that is not reasonable. If they are costing you $500 in food and expenses when they visit, that is not a houseguest, that is a freeloader. 

It's one thing to invite relatives to nice sit down dinner when they are in town. But I would never expect to completed fed and catered to for a week by anyone. I would be embarrassed and ashamed. 

They can either chip in and pay their fair share of multi family meals, bring their own food and supplies with them, or at least take you and your family out for some meals for your hospitality.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

********** said:


> Does W like it mostly cos she gets to hang with sis? Suggest she goes to her sis instead and they come to you once yearly. Sweeten it by saying kids will be in school if W goes there.
> 4 noisy young kids (undisclplined) & 2 dogs would do my head in.
> 5 nights from 3? Strict timeline beforehand if she agrees to once yearly.
> I'd say to my H that apart from above, wld be 12 weeks of stress yearly for me; dreading it the week b4 & recovering for a week after LOL
> ...


It's 2 children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> And as far as the $500 expenses when they visit, unless you are wealthy and making invitation to your summer home in the Hamptons, that is not reasonable. If they are costing you $500 in food and expenses when they visit, that is not a houseguest, that is a freeloader.
> 
> It's one thing to invite relatives to nice sit down dinner when they are in town. But I would never expect to completed fed and catered to for a week by anyone. I would be embarrassed and ashamed.
> 
> They can either chip in and pay their fair share of multi family meals, bring their own food and supplies with them, or at least take you and your family out for some meals for your hospitality.


We have a family of 4 stay for about a week twice a year and I have no idea how it can possibly cost $500 for just 4 days unless they are eating out every day.
It cost us less than half of that for a whole week for extra food.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Diana7 I checked as I was sure he said 4. Yes, it's 4 kids, which is why his thread jumped out at me.
He mentioned that the 2 younger ones were jumping on the sofa etc.
Would also explain the high food bill. And if they got takeout during the stay that would be quite expensive. I sure wouldn't feel like cooking every night for that many!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

********** said:


> @Diana7 I checked as I was sure he said 4. Yes, it's 4 kids, which is why his thread jumped out at me.
> Would also explain the high food bill. And if they got takeout during the stay that would be quite expensive for that many. I wouldn't feel like cooking every night for that many!


Oh sorry, thought he said 2 age 6 and 8. Must be getting confused with another poster!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

********** said:


> @Diana7 I checked as I was sure he said 4. Yes, it's 4 kids, which is why his thread jumped out at me.
> He mentioned that the 2 younger ones were jumping on the sofa etc.
> Would also explain the high food bill. And if they got takeout during the stay that would be quite expensive. I sure wouldn't feel like cooking every night for that many!


I would cook if it was just for 3 or 4 nights. Saves money!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If had the room and was reasonably well off I wouldn't mind it for just 3-5 days. They are her family and now you have moved she doesn't get to see them that much. 
Yes it's hard work but it's not as if it's 2 weeks.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@Diana7 I edited my post later to say that the confusion would be cos he said it was the 2 younger ones who were jumping on the sofa


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

For the kids -- YOU are perfectly within your rights to stop them from jumping on the couches -- don't have to wait for their parents to pipe up. Its YOUR house, and they need to respect the rules.
As for food and $$, just ask "So, where are YOU taking US for dinner tonight??" Let them cough up some of the funds for food. No reason for you to take on all the burden.
I agree with others -- just make cheaper meals at home. If they want to go out to eat, let them. I would think for 4-5 days, one or maybe two dinners out would be MORE than sufficient.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

YYes


********** said:


> @Diana7 I edited my post later to say that the confusion would be cos he said it was the 2 younger ones who were jumping on the sofa


Yes, thank you


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Houseguests and fish stink after three days.

IMO, it’s rude to stay with someone, even family, for longer than that and even more presumptuous and rude to expect your hosts to pay for everything.

Especially if your wife contributes nothing, you have every right to demand they shorten their visit, especially if they aren’t helping shoulder the costs of their stay.

It’s appalling they’re letting their children destroy your house.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Houseguests and fish stink after three days.
> 
> IMO, it’s rude to stay with someone, even family, for longer than that and even more presumptuous and rude to expect your hosts to pay for everything.
> 
> ...


He didn't say they were destroying the house! 

I have no issues with family staying, and I say that as both an introvert and someone who isn't a natural host. 
I know a lot of people who often have family and friends to stay for several days to a week or more. Some of my friends love it and the spouse welcomes them as well. 
I would never ask people to pay for food, that's part of hosting them. If they offer to take us out say that's fine and good. It really shouldn't cost anywhere near $500 for 4-5 days unless they are eating out every day which would be crazy if the op is worried about money.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’d say it’s the destination that’s the attraction rather than the actual visiting. And op you need to put your foot down now because this will soon become a bigger problem. 
I own my parents old apartment in NY and a lot of family members from Ireland and Scotland used to stay for a few months at a time usually during Summer vacations from college.
After a while it became a problem, people took advantage of my hospitality so I stopped letting anyone stay. 
I’m not as polite as you seem to be but I would send them a list of hotels in the area.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Even your wife can understand that it isn't your responsibility to provide her sister's family of 6 (plus 2 dogs) paid-for vacations. I hope her husband isn't the Dan Akroyd type in Summer Rental (what an ass). Take Andy's suggestion and send them a list of cheap hotels and they can get together with you for a (one) meal.

I normally wouldn't be so stingy; but, bringing their two dogs with them puts them in a particular category that makes my blood boil. Are you sure you don't have allergies?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Visiting every 3 months sounds like a lot. But that is what you get when you live in a vacation state. 

Talk to your wife about budget & time limits. Nix open ended visits. You are probably stuck with the grocery bill & increased water / electric but as the hosts you should not be treating them to outings. They need to treat you. 

DH & I own a house in FL. MIL lives there rent free. Still when we show up, which is about every 3 months to check on her health, I buy $150-$200 worth of groceries & household items like toilet paper, shampoo, laundry detergent etc because MIL is on a fixed income & I don't want out presence to cost her more money.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This is one of those situations where if you try to be the nice guy, you are going to get walked all over.
> 
> My wife always wants to fill the house with her family as well. I actually like them and they are genuinely decent people but they had several kids spread out over a dozen years so they always had crying, pooping, puking babies and toddlers getting into things and little kids running around.
> 
> ...


thank you for your feedback! I am so glad i'm not the only one that is going through this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I was led to believe that Americans are generally welcoming and friendly but going by some of the posts and replies here I may have got that wrong. 
4 days is nothing. Cook them basic but nice tasting meals. You could very easily cut the $500 in half. If you struggle with money then why not ask for $100 towards food. If you have money then why worry. 
Just ask the excited children not to jump on the sofa. Personally that wouldn't bother me but hey we are all different.
I love dogs so that's not an issue for me either and you clearly have the room for everyone there. Do it for your wife, they are her family and it's really not much to ask.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> 4 days is nothing


4 days of 6 extra people and two dogs is a lot. 😅


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I was led to believe that Americans are generally welcoming and friendly but going by some of the posts and replies here I may have got that wrong.
> 4 days is nothing. Cook them basic but nice tasting meals. You could very easily cut the $500 in half. If you struggle with money then why not ask for $100 towards food. If you have money then why worry.
> Just ask the excited children not to jump on the sofa. Personally that wouldn't bother me but hey we are all different.
> I love dogs so that's not an issue for me either and you clearly have the room for everyone there. Do it for your wife, they are her family and* it's really not much to ask.*


Unless it is. If it weren't a problem for him, he wouldn't be here - would he? But, thank you for telling us how nothing bothers you because you're so zen.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

minimalME said:


> 4 days of 6 extra people and two dogs is a lot. 😅


I see you eyeing the nearest closet. I would be out the door so fast the wind would give them whiplash.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

minimalME said:


> 4 days of 6 extra people and two dogs is a lot. 😅


Yeah, that sounds like hell to me. I don't mind 2 or 3 people for a few days or even a week, but 6 people and 2 dogs is a lot once a year and insane 4 times a year.

@Johnny02Pike Do you have any kids and pets, or just you and the wife? If it is just the two of you I can't imagine what a change that must feel like to go from 2 to 10 in your house. Deal with this now or it will only get worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> 4 days of 6 extra people and two dogs is a lot. 😅


Family are family. It's really not long to host people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Unless it is. If it weren't a problem for him, he wouldn't be here - would he? But, thank you for telling us how nothing bothers you because you're so zen.


It's something I would do because they are family not because it's easy for me especially as an introvert. I would be weary and tired when they had gone but sometimes you do something because it's for your spouse and their family. Or for your own family. For others. 

Op It's clear your wife loves having them so stop being such a misery guts and do it for her.

Not zen, don't believe in it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Family are family. It's really not long to host people.


Everyone to Diana's! 😂 💕🤗


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Everyone to Diana's! 😂 💕🤗


If I had the room. Lol. Only have a tiny 🏠


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's one thing to take in family in emergency and it is quite another to take them in just so they can have a cheap vacation at your expense. If people want to vacation in Florida 3 or 4 times a year, then they need to save up for it. Otherwise, they are living beyond their means. If their house burned down, I doubt the OP would utter a peep.


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## Johnny02Pike (8 mo ago)

Thank you everyone for your feedback and thoughts. All great insights on how to move forward and not provide a vacation home at my expense & sanity. Prior to posting this I really felt like a big A**hole for even thinking this way. I feel very happy and relieved that I am not alone!!!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I was led to believe that Americans are generally welcoming and friendly but going by some of the posts and replies here I may have got that wrong.


Remember, we fight for our independence over here and y’all fought to keep us over there 😆


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I live in beach community and my hard fast rule is no young children and no pets. 3 day limit. Otherwise, I get abused by family. A free place to stay is way different than a family visit.


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