# *** The BIG Mistake ***



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Infidelity is one of the most tramatic events that you will ever go through in your life... 

Understandably, when confronted with it most people are simple overwelmed. There is a sh*t storm of emotions at such intensitity that it clouds your ability to cope, while in "emotional survival" mode we all make mistakes on how we dealt with the process... "If I just would have done this or done that then maybe I would have given my marriage a better chance to have been recovered"....

What I would like to compile here is the "great regret(s)"....

"If I had to do it all over again I wish would have _________".


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

stood up for my marriage sooner
listened more
spoke up
acted on the problems instead of ignoring them
not cheated
seen he was cheating sooner
straightened myself out as a person sooner
been the wife he needed
had him be the husband I needed

my god I could go on and on and on....lol


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

opened my eyes to the fact that he was unhappy even though he did not communicate in any way. I wish I hadn't been so naive. I regret trusting him, isn't that horrible?! I'll never give someone my complete and total trust again.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is a good topic. This is going to be interesting. There's never a day which passes I don't have regrets. I'm sure others have the same feelings.

My big regret is that I didn't know about the 180 program when my husband first began cheating and became distant. I tried to win him back by initially being nice. In essence I became a doormat and lost all self-esteem. By being nice his bad behavior only escalated. That went on a couple of years. After a couple of years, I became enraged at what he had done. He then fled the house so he could have more freedom--and not catch grief from me.

Had I known about the 180 program in 2006 and implemented the program, things would have turned out much better. I really believe my family would be intact and I would still have a thriving business. As it is now my family is in disarray, the business is gone, my health is compromised, we are in financial ruin, and I'm unemployable. I do have a lot of time to think about the "should've" and "could've" possibilities now. It's sad.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Wish I would have never ever revealed any sources or information that I had...

Wish I would have dealt with the "urgency" more calmly and been patient. Instead of the "AH-HA! YOUR CAUGHT!!" need to reveal what I knew or had found out when I found it out... I should have just kept gathering information calmly and quietly and didn't have the _need_ to tell her exactly what I knew which allowed her to "figure out" how I was getting the information and go further underground...


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

1) never quit my semi-day management job for my late night job.
2) let my wife know how much I hated the fact I was a stay at home dad and she always left me along at night
3) Never moved into an apartment with another male. Even if that other male was pretty much another brother.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

1. Not working on my marriage proactively for the past several years. We got stuck in the day to day and didn't make time for romantic time together. IF I had met all her needs, the chances of the affair even starting would have been greatly minimized.

2. Believing the "just friends" excuse for months when my gut said it was wrong from the start.

3. Blowing up when I found the first proof it was more than "just friends".

4. Talking too much about what info I had, etc. I should have kept my info to myself instead of telling my spouse.

5. Angry outbursts over the affair. Keep calm. Lovebusters just drive them closer to the affair partner and reinforce the reason they should leave you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

"If I had to do it all over again I wish I would have never met my crazy-a$$ wife". 

But since that is not possible, I wish that I had left her as soon as I learned of her infidelity. 

I also wish I could have imagined the scope of her failure as a wife. 

I wish I had met someone who was as she portrayed herself, not just someone who portrayed herself a certain way to cover who she really is.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

if I had to do it all over again I wish would have left my wife before i cheated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

confronting the cheating years ago instead of buring my self in my career.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

1. Never left my home, thinking that I was doing the right thing (this was before I really knew anything)

2. Never allowed the "proof" to cause me to react so impulsively

3. Made some lasting changes well before we reached the point where it was an option for her

4. Really followed the 180 from the beginning

5. Taken the time to learn more about myself and why I couldn't be open with her


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

I would have addressed the fact that I was not meeting her emotional needs.

I would have fought much harder for my family to still live together.

I would have not suspended our couple time(She is in nursing school and I felt that it would be easier for her to focus on school and our daughter if I didn't pressure her for couple time.)

The last one is the most significant. I withdrew from her and that coincided with her meeting the piece of **** OM, and him flattering her with all kinds of attention....


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Today is my 1st anniv of the DDay ...what a great day to post all my regrets:

I regret that:
1. he didn't divorce me before he decided to cheat on me
2. his family, who found out about this affair sooner than me, didn't tell me anything about (although they pushed him to end it, ...well, still!!!!!)
3. I saw the signs but diminished them altogether, 
4. I trust him 100000% blindly, stupid me
5. I love him 10000% blindly, oh stupid me again
6. I didn't find this site sooner so I could've acted better, hence better result.
7. I didn't yell n slapped that b***h OW when I got the chance 
8. ....and the list goes on and on


*sigh*
thank you to let me vent

I need some virtual hugs please....


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

princessaqua said:


> Today is my 1st anniv of the DDay ...what a great day to post all my regrets:
> 
> I regret that:
> 1. he didn't divorce me before he decided to cheat on me
> ...


I did not find a hug smiley face, but would a cute bunny make you feel better?

:bunny:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Please keep 'em coming. This thread has had over 400 views and only 15 replies?? C'mon. Everyone that has looked at this thread has a regret on how they handled the process of their spouses infidelity...

Particularly interested in the mistakes, or regrets on how you may have reacted or handled the "post DDay" process of trying to save your marriage... I plan on using all of the information that people post to write another post/article outlining the biggest mistakes and what to avoid (for new people that come here seeking wisdom) when they deal with trying to recover their marriage/families... 

Obviously I will generalize it and keep names out but Im interested in seeing what mistakes repeat themselves over and over so we might help save someone else from making them..


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> I did not find a hug smiley face, but would a cute bunny make you feel better?
> 
> :bunny:


Thank you BWO, it does put a smile on my face ((*hugs u back*))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would have slept with him more. LOL. In the end we were averaging 2x a week but I know I shoulda been putting out more. We were not getting along and taht is why I wasn't wanting to do sexy times w/ him as often, since we spent most of our time fighting or tense. 

When I found out he was online looking for sex not even a yr after we were married, I prob shouldn't have forgiven him so quickly and really examined our relationship. It really really disappointed me.

When I learned of the infidelity, I prob should have just cut things off and not have tried to work so hard to save our marriage.

I could have done a lot of things different. It wasn't one little thing, it seems things snowballed into an avalanche. The little things kept accumulating.


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## Arielle46 (Mar 21, 2011)

If the offending spouse has moved out, regardless of with whom or where they are living, don't let them move back into the family home so quickly. Get counseling first, date each other, set up boundaries, get strong, understand how you feel and what you want. This is especially important if there are children in the home.

I haven't posted my "story" yet, but I have to say that it's been over 3 years since I let my husband come back home and while the PA has ceased and all ties have been cut, I just can't find the love I once had for him and I am just as miserable with him now as I was when he was having his PA.


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## justbe (Mar 19, 2011)

my answer will be simple .. its not a mistake but decision with pre-thnking before doing that.


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## xBaby-Louisex (Nov 1, 2010)

If I had to do it all over again I wish would have _________:
Not cheated.

Talked about what was bothering me.

Been honest about my cheating as soon as I'd done it and not let it drag out and let him find out for himself about my cheating.

Not let an old habit (cheating) get in the way of this relationship as well as my relationship before.

Realised my true feelings for him and how deep I'd fallen for him.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I am going to finish that sentence really simple...

"If I had to do it all over again I wish would have _________". 

Marriage #1 - just gone home, instead of setting that alarm in the store.

I have completely reverse engineered my life, and have boiled everything down to one moment.. Call it a reverse butterfly effect.

It boils down to me forgetting to set an alarm before leaving my job... I was opening the next day, i was in the car... nobody would have known, but instead of going home, i went back in the store to set the alarm.

Everything that went wrong with my marriage can be traced back to that very moment.

Try reverse engineering your life one day, it might take a while, but it is truly entertaining and enlightening.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

great advice twotime as usual, that is what i am working on right now, great thread.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Paid attention to the red flags.
My H was cheating all through dating, engagement and marriage.
Yep, a real player.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

wishes I never would have married him to begin with


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Kicked her out of the house that day she wanted to go for "coffee" with a "friend" from the apartment complex she managed on weekends.

It wasn't "coffee" and he was no "friend."


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Cheating on me was the dealbreaker for me. But to wish I hadnt married her would involve never having that beautiful wonderful daughter. So I cant wish I never married her, plus there were some good times.
But the question is in regards to mistakes made in hopes for Reconciliation, and it actually was not in my hands.
She wanted the divorce, was absolute, was cold, callous, and complete in her decision for whatever reason,...
come to think of it, that perhaps was a good thing in the long run.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hmm. I would anwer with ....I would have gone to his chain of command and insisited he needed therapy for his PTSD. he spiraled out of control, and the only who couldn't see it was him. I thought "for sure he will snap out of this". and he didn't until he hit absolute rock bottom. Should have pushed for him to get help sooner, instead of making it a requirement for my staying after DDay.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)




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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

For myself as the long-ago unfaithful wife....

- obviously I wish I had never cheated. Never flirted at all.
- had better personal boundaries
- had the maturity to realize that marriage isn't just magic, but 
work
- come clean after cheating, no matter how much it hurt
- not accepted H's abuse when I finally confessed

For myself as the current betrayed wife.....
- not revealed my sources when I found the cheating
- not accepted his cheating as my fault for what I had done
- wish I was strong enough emotionally and financially to 
support myself and our children
- wish I could implement a good 180
- wish I could find a shred of self respect


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

If I had it to do over I would....
have paid more attention when he said he was going to call a woman he met on the internet just to see if she was ok.

have checked the phone records more carefully.
not have listened when he tried to blame it on me.
have contacted her myself and put the fear of God and me in her.
have stopped crying long enough to demand honesty and not trickle truthing from him.
have thrown the damn computer out the window.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

If I had to do it all over again I wish would have *married her again.*


*Yes, despite all the pain and hurt and frustration this separation brought me, if God spoked to me, and asked me to go back to 2005, with the knowledge that this will happen again... I would still marry her and go through all this again... For the pain I am feeling now, is nowhere near the happiness I felt when we were still together and madly in love with each other as newlyweds...


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I never would have married him. I wouldn't have waited till I was 25 to go to college, I probably wouldn't be fat or have so many medical problems and stress in my life


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

1. I wish I had never cheated or let alcohol direct my choices

2. I wish I had been upfront about the cheating and honest with 
myself and my wife

3. I should have chased her when she moved out. I thought she needed space but what she really needed was me to be supportive and to pursue her

4. That I would have instituted the changes she needed from me before the wanted to file for divorce. 

5. That I didn't see/meet her emotional needs while we were together and spend more time developing our relationship. 

I am grateful that Divorce is not filed yet and there is the tiniest bit of chance that she will see my changes and start to trust me again and allow us to start fresh. Only time will tell. She will still answer the phone/text if i call and tells me that she still loves me. I'm grateful for having supportive people in my life and hers to help both of us through this. 

Sorry I didn't follow the theme to a T but if I'm going to list regrets i also needed to list gratitude.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I regret:

-letting my physical (and mental) health degrade as far as it did
-letting her make me feel guilty for burdening her with a child
-giving her so much free rope in order to deal with that guilt
-giving up my career goals in order for her to pursue her hobbies
-not having more fun
-not making friends
-not manning up
-being a doormat
-not dancing or being cool enough
-letting the romance slip away


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

* reconciling too soon not once but twice
* taking on all the blame for what went wrong and thinking I had to "fix me"
* not being able to accept a life without him, which clouded every delusional move I made from that point forward
*


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> -been more understanding of the line between being a take charge woman and being an emasculating b*tch on wheels.
> 
> -been less aggressive sexually
> 
> ...


I understand all the other stuff, but why this?



> -been less aggressive sexually


:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I regret trusting him blindly (as the BS)

I regret cheating (as the DS).


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> I understand all the other stuff, but why this?
> 
> [Quote:]
> -been less aggressive sexually


:scratchhead:[/QUOTE]

Maybe she thinks that her sexual aggression could have emasculated her H and that led to him seeking a W that allowed him to be in control... Better for his ego, which as I recall his ego is large but fragile? 

Just speculating, but if thats the case... WR u could eliminate that regret immediately. Nothing to do with why he cheated.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I wish I had not hidden in a fantasy world of my making. 
I wish I had realized that it had been a rebound to begin with from my other marriage of 23 yrs.
I wish I had analyzed why this person had been married 3x.
I wish I had been true to myself and not lied and accepted that I didn't love him for 5 years but was too scared and in shock over changes in him.
I wished I had been honest with myself about not wanting sex with him because I was not attracted to him anymore.
I wished I hadn't replaced my higher power with him.

I wish this time would be faster in healing.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> :scratchhead:


Maybe she thinks that her sexual aggression could have emasculated her H and that led to him seeking a W that allowed him to be in control... Better for his ego, which as I recall his ego is large but fragile? 

Just speculating, but if thats the case... WR u could eliminate that regret immediately. Nothing to do with why he cheated.[/QUOTE]

*Thanks for the reply! *:smthumbup:



WhiteRabbit said:


> Maybe she thinks that her sexual aggression could have emasculated her H and that led to him seeking a W that allowed him to be in control... Better for his ego, which as I recall his ego is large but fragile?
> 
> Just speculating, but if thats the case... WR u could eliminate that regret immediately. Nothing to do with why he cheated.


Very accurate response Pit...

My mistake with being aggressive sexually is wanting him to stand up to me and meet my aggression...rope me in and lead me so to speak... But he never did. He just backed down....emasculated. OW is likely giving him what he needs to feel like a man where I failed to meet that need bc I wanted what I wanted how i wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

*Okay I see what you are saying. But he knew this when he married you. So honey you can beat yourself up over this but in the end know that it wasnt your fault.

*hugs**


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> My mistake with being aggressive sexually is wanting him to stand up to me and meet my aggression...rope me in and lead me so to speak... But he never did. He just backed down....emasculated. OW is likely giving him what he needs to feel like a man where I failed to meet that need bc I wanted what I wanted how i wanted.


In a healthy relationship it would be give and take.
He would have met your needs as well as you met his.


For me, I'd just be embarassed at having shown such enthusiasm over the act when there was so little involved on my future XH's side from an emotional standpoint. It's clear to me he only invested in the relationship what he could stand to lose. Plus he got sex and being dumped again will only be useful to him in getting a replacement. And now he has a house, which as he is aging, he will need as a lure.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I regret moving out of the marital home after the "ilybinilwy" speech. I thought I was doing the right thing for "us". It was the worst thing I could've done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I wish I had listened more to him. Really listened.
I wish that I did not put my family first (parents, sibs)
I wish that I had known him longer before we got married.


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## PartlyCloudy (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm still making mistakes, but I guess I'm still somewhat of a "newbie" in all this.

I should have never been so desperate for admission of his A that I revealed my sources. He immediately put a stop to my information gathering. I hadn't even yet printed what I had already found. Stupid, yes, but I just didn't realize then what I was dealing w/.

I've done a lot of "reasoning" w/him, or @ least that's what I thought I was doing. Sometimes it was through tears & sometimes through yelling & cursing & sometimes w/calm logic, but it always just made me feel worse b/c after we'd talk, I would feel like my craziness helped justify his not wanting to come back to me.

I wish I would have started googling the dynamics of A a lot earlier. O/c that tidbit won't help future newbies. If they haven't already looking for info, then they won't see an article/post about it. It's still one of my regrets, though.

I think my biggest regret, though, is trying to compete w/the OW. I truly thought that w/our long history together & deep love, I could save the marriage if I stepped up my game. I know now that my H had already checked out of the marriage, that there's no way I could have "won" him back by being a great W, that being a great W was not even possible b/c of how tormented I was by what he was doing to me. Even knowing what I now know, I still can't help but feel like a failure sometimes, like I wasn't good enough.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I wish I didn't put my family before her.
I wish I was a little more mature.
I wish I hadn't been so controlling.
I wish I hadn't been so naive.
I wish I hadn't sent her to stay with the OM for a few days to clear her head.

I wish I had my life back.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

1.) would have left my husband before i had an ea
2.) acknowledged the red flags before marrying him
3.) not taken him back after first seperation
4.) been stronger and not taken his excusess for everything in the relationship
5.) not have been so naieve to think things would change.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Anyone else have things about themselves that are huge contradictions? Very confusing. 

At times when you are in tremendous pain they are thoughts you replay in your mind and regret deeply... most of them have to do with vulnerabilty, and they fit unto the file labeled "How could I have been so naive?, how could I have not seen it?" for some people and in the really dark spots of pain the file says "your so stupid, your so weak"....

I wrestle with this constantly.

The things that you are and the love you choose to give, the walls and filters you choose to take off of yourself and what you allow to be exposed speaks directly to the beautiful person you are or want to be, the light you have and are willing to share... 

It is what makes you special and gives you the ability to connect with another person at a level some people chase their entire lives and can nevr know or only know for a fleeting moment.. at the same time and without fail, it exposes you to a level of pain that some people spend their entire lives running from...

I'm not sure exactly what I'm saying... Maybe Im trying to lecture that protective little voice inside of your soul that screams "I told you so!!!" when your in pain, it would try to convince you to regret loving deeply and giving fully... 

It would be "the BIG MISTAKE" if you didn't tell it to shut the F*CK UP!.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Well put, Pit.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

If I had to do it all over again I wish would have _________

1) Called her on it when the sex tapered off. (In retrospect that was a huge red flag. I thought it was just due to her health issues.)

2) Had a more open mind to the possibility of infidelity.

3) Avoided the smog. Done all the heavy lifting in the early stages.

4) Had less fear about leaving the marriage.

5) Insisted on telling everyone immediately.

6) Read this website first.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

thanks Pit! You made me cry but in a good way. 

I'm only 2 months past DDay so my story is short. Here goes. I wish I...
1) looked for evidence much more aggressively early on. I knew something was going on but when I confronted he denied and I deluded myself for another couple of months. repeat this story x3!! how many red flags did I need!!!
2) sought more counseling more often after DDay for myself only. I think I rushed MC. My H says he feels we are making progress s a couple but for myself I don't feel all that much better than the day after DDay. I feel like I rushed into reconciliation. I still don't know if I want to stay or go so now on top of everything I feel guilty for promising to make an effort to R when I don't know if I want to  I wish I had the guts to just leave. 
3) I wished I asked more questions early on about the A, it would have saved me a lot of wondering.


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## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

I wish I had better understood/managed time

I wanted to feel better right away.

I wanted a plan right away.

This put a lot of pressure on me and on the process.

I realize now healing takes time, a lot of time.

When new people hit the site with: never thought this would happen to me...

Get bombarded with do A, B, C...

I would say step back, give yourself the time you need to be ready to execute your plan don't act too hastily or you'll have a lot of regrets...


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> 1. Not working on my marriage proactively for the past several years. We got stuck in the day to day and didn't make time for romantic time together. IF I had met all her needs, the chances of the affair even starting would have been greatly minimized.
> 
> 2. Believing the "just friends" excuse for months when my gut said it was wrong from the start.
> 
> ...


ORIGINALLY POSTED BY HURT Could not say it better myself.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

-I wish I would had not stop working after we got married as he wanted a stay at home wife and mother.
-I wish I would have not trusted him 150% with my heart and believe hold heartly that he would never hurt me this badly
-I wish I had never given up my rainy day fund when he got sick instead of us going into the savings because I would not be in the financial delima.
-I wish I would have left when I first found out instead of stick by him through health issues, get him back to his feet to find out 3yrs later that he was still communcating with OW and was still in and EA. 
-I wish that I didn't allow myself to believe that he was truly remorseful and that things would change
-If I would have left I would not have found him to OW house yesterday.
I wish that out of the 8yr I have been married I could have had my husband to my self soley and not only for 3 yrs of it.

5yrs he has been having a A either EA to PA to EA again. I have found out and been dealing with knowing for 3yrs but I have had to deal with OW in my marriage for 5yrs even though I didn't know about her I knew something was not right and I REGRET and WISH I NEVER MET OR MARRIED THIS MAN. 
-I also wish I had not been trying to do things to get him to stay and choose me or our marriage. I thought that was done when we said our I do's. I wish for a better life. A more God filled life.


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## cgh (Jan 18, 2012)

I wish i had told her my fetish and interests before we got married.
I wish I could turn around now and fix my marriage.
I wish my wife could really tell me how hurt she is.
I wish I didnt have to think about the need to separate from my wife and kids,


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I wish I had pulled an even harder 180 than I did. 
It seemed so extreme at the time but looking back just shows what a "nice guy" I was. It was wussy!

When she was trying to reconcile she kept saying.
" What do you mean. That's not acceptable?"
It was something that she had no experience of me saying. I say "No"


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Shut down her way too close relationships with men sooner. Didn't want to be "controlling."


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I wish I would have found this site after dday 1 instead of dday 2. I was pathetic and rugswept after dday 1. My wife had no consequences as a result of her PA and I basically begged her to stay married to me even though she cheated. I allowed her to work with the OM and did not monitor her for contact. Of course it never really ended, thy just took it deeper undercover. I feel so stupid sometimes for missing all the red flags and being a sucker between dday 1 and dday 2. Not anymore though. This site gave me my confidence, self respect and power back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Shut down her way too close relationships with men sooner. Didn't want to be "controlling."


Me to. Now she has self imposed boundaries that we learned about together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Same here.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

I wish I would have stood my ground and NOT have been so naive about my SO's emotinal blackmail.

PS.Bf I loved very much gave me a huge guilty trip to make me feel like a controlling gf for not being happy with him and his friends hosting a birthday party for him with strippers. I gave in, in an attempt to prove I was being controlling. The party turned out to be an orgy, they took pictures and everything.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

princessaqua said:


> Today is my 1st anniv of the DDay ...what a great day to post all my regrets:
> 
> I regret that:
> 1. he didn't divorce me before he decided to cheat on me
> ...


_Awww...I am giving a HUGE HUG. Can you feel it?! I hope so._


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I wish that I had considered the possibility that he might be cheating when he was, and found out about what he was doing sooner.

I wish that he had admitted that he was a sex addict sooner so that he never hired that hooker  Everything that went before that was nowhere near as destructive in my mind.

I wish that we had listened to each other when we each told the other we thought we should go to MC, before he started cheating.

I wish that I had gotten access to his second secret email account and been able to see what he had on there too. Would have provided more closure.

I wish that counseling wasn't so freaking expensive!!!!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I regret that my own behavior was so reactionary and lacked planning. I fell apart and an attempt at exposing and a family intervention to help us triggered violence instead. I regret the way things were exposed (not the fact, the manner). I regret involving our families because now they're in danger because of me, but, at that point things had escalated beyond me, so I also regret my weakness and our power dynamic. I regret not seeing the imbalance of power before it got out of control. If I had found this website before everything happened, I might have handled it better because there are some wonderful resources here.

I regret not immediately getting us into MC which might have brought some stability to the situation and enabled me to think clearly, independent of the emotional maelstrom.

I regret not losing weight before the wedding. During our relationship, I'd gained about 25 pounds because grad school had me tied to a desk in a library for a lot of hours and I didn't prioritize my fitness. If I had done this, I would have had better self-esteem and would not have felt so defeated when he used my weight as a justification for every single problem that came up, and I would have called him out in his behavior much sooner.

I regret trusting him so completely without verifying whether he was being honest. I often ignored the red flags that something was wrong and by my own denial and rug-sweeping, I let it go too far and made myself a doormat. For this reason, I was completely devastated by the truth.


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