# Married for 11 years...



## Pumpkinshaming

I’m new here to this forum and even talking about my marriage. Because I thought we had a good marriage. The kind where each person trusts the other. We all have our issues in marriage. 

We’ve been married for 11 years. Have 2 kids. I was 17 when we met. Love him to death. I’ve recently found out he has been searching on Instagram a girl I went to high school with (and a friend is his dated her too... he knows her as well). She poses sort of provocatively. But fully clothed. Found a picture of her on his computer. I’ve talked to him about it in the past (but a different girl I went to school with) So knowing how I felt about this he still did it. But just a different girl. 

He said he deleted her picture (the one I found on his computer in the recycling bin) and he stopped following her on social media. He said he’s been trying harder to be more “positive” when he’s around me and our kids. I literally don’t even know what that means. Either wrong use of words or he has to actually try hard to be attentive when he’s home with us. 

He knows how i feel. I told him I don’t trust him. I just feel so heart broken. 

I don’t know if we should go to marriage counseling?! Or just take a break from each other for awhile? I feel so unworthy and disgusted and that pisses me off that I would allow another person to justify my worth in this world. 

Am I being over dramatic about this? Is this actually acceptable for a married man to check up on women he knows and does God knows what with memories/pictures of them while alone in the basement and his family is all asleep upstairs?


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## sokillme

Well you should never let another person make you feel unworthy. That is on you. Hurt yes, unworthy no. Him being attracted to someone has no basis on your attractiveness. His being disrespectful to you or your marriage has not reflection on your worthiness of respect. It's all on him. You allowing yourself to take ownership of that is on you though. Probably part of your intense hurt though comes from the fact that you ware weighing your value on his actions. Something you should work on because then this won't seem so painful, and more like my husband is being an ass but that's on him not me. 

Besides that marriage counseling makes sense. I mean he had downloaded pictures of this girl to his computer? When you say you know what he thought about this girl what do you think that is? I get that his downloading a picture especially if he was using it as porn is wrong and very bad form, disrespectful to you. It always needs to be noted with this stuff though that it's basically a one sided activity. So in my mind it's not exactly cheating. I think you have to accept that you are not going to find many people who don't have fleeting thoughts about what it might be like to be with someone even if they are married. That doesn't mean you pursue those thoughts by looking at pictures and especially downloading, and that is where he is wrong. But I also think it's unrealistic to believe when you get married that peoples basic biological impulses just go away you just learn to be responsible with them. There ARE marriages where people look at porn and it doesn't destroy the marriage. That may be the other extream, but your spouse being attracted to someone else is not a reflection on you, that is just life. Expecting someone you marry to only be attracted to you is unrealistic. You guys have to work on these things. Now sounds like you felt like you did and he betrayed his word. That is a problem. 

Just to be clear, staking someone on Facebook downloading pictures is wrong when you are married. But your reactions seems extreme because you are basically making it a referendum on you. 

So yes marriage counseling for sure. Separation, and feeling unworthy, that is a little dramatic I think.

Now lets talk about you, please expand on what you really mean when you say unworthy? In what way?


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## BluesPower

Pumpkinshaming said:


> I’m new here to this forum and even talking about my marriage. Because I thought we had a good marriage. The kind where each person trusts the other. We all have our issues in marriage.
> 
> We’ve been married for 11 years. Have 2 kids. I was 17 when we met. Love him to death. I’ve recently found out he has been searching on Instagram a girl I went to high school with (and a friend is his dated her too... he knows her as well). She poses sort of provocatively. But fully clothed. Found a picture of her on his computer. I’ve talked to him about it in the past (but a different girl I went to school with) So knowing how I felt about this he still did it. But just a different girl.
> 
> He said he deleted her picture (the one I found on his computer in the recycling bin) and he stopped following her on social media. He said he’s been trying harder to be more “positive” when he’s around me and our kids. I literally don’t even know what that means. Either wrong use of words or he has to actually try hard to be attentive when he’s home with us.
> 
> He knows how i feel. I told him I don’t trust him. I just feel so heart broken.
> 
> I don’t know if we should go to marriage counseling?! Or just take a break from each other for awhile? I feel so unworthy and disgusted and that pisses me off that I would allow another person to justify my worth in this world.
> 
> Am I being over dramatic about this? Is this actually acceptable for a married man to check up on women he knows and does God knows what with memories/pictures of them while alone in the basement and his family is all asleep upstairs?


Yes you are being completely over the top... 

However, that does not mean that you and H don't have problems? And of course he is over line if he is communicating with her. A picture while not really cool, may not be a big deal. 

What is the rest of your relationship like? What is the sex like? What is the day to day interaction like? 

How would you describe the marriage? More info helps us give better advice...


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## nekonamida

I'm confused. So you're upset because he looked at pictures of someone you know? I mean, do you suspect he was masturbating to them? Do you suspect he reached out to them and tried to start something? Unless something more happened then yes, I think you are being way over-the-top and over analyzing what he said.


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## Tilted 1

No he's crossing boundaries and did it twice. No if you give him room he's already shown himself to be untrustworthy. And would see that as a green light to indulge himself more. How much time between the 2 pic's? And what or when did you see the start of these changes? What has he said that he is willing to do to correct besides not doing this with the pictures. Because he already failed at those promises.

Is he open to go and talk to someone by himself? (Counselor) and if not then some definite boundaries. Is his phone locked? For your home computer get Keylogger. And this way you can see everything thing he does on it.


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## Marduk

Listen.

I don’t know you. You don’t know me. I’m not sure your husband looking at instagram pictures is a big deal. So I personally wouldn’t focus on trying to own his eyeballs, or even his fantasy life for that matter.

What I would focus on instead is how you feel in this marriage. You’re feeling unworthy because he looked at another woman. That’s a pretty ****ty place to be. But it’s not quite clear at all to me if you’re feeling unworthy because he’s not paying attention to you, or if you’re feeling unworthy because there’s other hot people out there.

The former is a big problem that you can work on. The latter is just reality and needs to be accepted. So which is it?


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## BarbedFenceRider

I'm guessing it's one of those "glam" selfie provoctive poses that chicks do. Like the duck face and all....

That being said, My "guy-bro guide" states that I DO NOT put pictures on phones, computers, tablets or other crap that I wouldn't show my parents or my kids....

Period! It's inviting disaster... History lesson here, when I had trouble in my marriage I was feeling very down and depressed about it all. I would crave positive affirmation anywhere. Wasn't getting it at home. And low and behold, females of all comers were there to "comfort" me. I was messaged and pic'd alot. At first I was like "hell yeah!" But then, as I thought about it....If I pursued this, I would be doing the SAME THING as the WW. I had too much respect for myself. And a friend of mine stated that if you can't show them to your parents...You shouldn't have them! I firmly believe this. 


It shows a lack of respect for himself, and to the family. Be sure NOT to make it about you. You didn't do this. But you can tell him how this makes you feel, and want to react. Be honest, and candid. Give each other GOOD things about the spouses and build from there....


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## Tilted 1

Ok, l as a man may be different but if let's say looking at a new firearm, ( it new and shiny, sleek, it's hot!! and l want it) and l got a picture on my phone and referring to it often, does anyone here think for a second that it's not on my mind, and it's only a matter of time before I have it. I'm not weak, but if I think it! It's gonna happen it only a matter of time. Period


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## Married but Happy

Do you think he's unhappy with you and the marriage? Or is this just a little nostalgia and memory thing going on? Even if he's unhappy with you, that does not mean he's going to act on a past memory or reach out to someone he previously knew. Rather than over-analyzing this, focus on ensuring _your_ relationship is solid and mutually satisfying.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Tilted 1 said:


> Ok, l as a man may be different but if let's say looking at a new firearm, ( it new and shiny, sleek, it's hot!! and l want it) and l got a picture on my phone and referring to it often, does anyone here think for a second that it's not on my mind, and it's only a matter of time before I have it. I'm not weak, but if I think it! It's gonna happen it only a matter of time. Period


I definitely agree.

The guy is obsessing about women they both know and it wouldn't surprise me at* all *if he were contacting them behind her back. Not. At. All. Especially since Romeo let her know how much EFFORT he's expending in order to be in the 'present' with his real family, like it's some kind of endurance test.

This is the kind of crappy behavior burner phones and 'incognito' web browser pages were made for.


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## MattMatt

I think marital counselling might be of assistance.

He should not make you feel bad about yourself.


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## ladybird

If you have a problem with your husband doing something that hurts you, makes you uncomfortable and or makes you feel like crap about yourself ( becasue this does happen) it should STOP period. 

What's ok for one person isn't ok for someone else.

I don't believe she is being "extreme" with how she feels. She feels how she feels.


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