# New here.....my story



## pr4345 (Jan 24, 2011)

Well my wife and I have been together 25 years 21 married. We were HS sweetheart. We married young and with in the first year she cheated on me with an old boyfriend. Through the next 11 years of our marriage I tried to be a good husband but got myself into online porn and of course she turned to other men in EA's and PA 's. In 12 years of marriage there were 5 different relationships she had. The last one was with a counselor/pastor she was meeting with. So after taking responsibility for both our actions we recommitted to our marriage and our 3 kids. It was the best 9 years of marraige until September of this year. Out of the blue she started to change before my eyes... She became distant and guarded. I knew she was heavy into facebook but I knew most her friends and would glance at her page once in a while. I had this bad feeling all along about Facebook and have never been a fan. Well I found the messages and she was having an EA with someone from overseas. What I found out before confronting her was it was a scam artist. So after bringing all this to light I asked her what I did or did not do. She said it was nothing to do with me that I did nothin wrong. She was using the excuse of all the pain from the first 12 years of marriage not the last great 9 years. So I thought we were going to be ok only to find out 2 weeks ago that she has been facbooking and texting another friend that we had from HS. Another EA weeks after the last....... I guess i am just lost and numb at this point. 

Thanks for letting me share.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I wish I had something productive to say to help you through this.

I'm sorry for you. Reading your story scares me to death. I am dealing with a DS and her affair right now, the emotions simply can not be put into words... I fear the story your telling happening to me in the deepest reaches of my soul... 

I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

Sorry I couldn't help, but I wish you strength.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sorry man cheating again face it ,going through the same exact thing.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

not to doubt you, but are these emotional affairs or just a walk on the wild side? I find it hard to believe that she would get into an EA just weeks after another one.


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## pr4345 (Jan 24, 2011)

Thanks to those that have responded. As far as are they EA's well you judge and let me know what you think. The Facebook messages were such that on the first one she had arraiged for a new house and to meet with a lawyer thinking the gentleman she was talking to was very rich. Stating also that by December everything would be done and behind her. When I confronted her she said she had bared her soul to him and told him her deepest dark secrets. I kind of think that is an EA? On the new guy same sort of story in that the messages were that he new our past and what she was supposedly feeling. I have tried over and over to talk with her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

pr4345 said:


> The Facebook messages were such that on the first one she had arraiged for a new house and to meet with a lawyer thinking the gentleman she was talking to was very rich. Stating also that by December everything would be done and behind her. When I confronted her she said she had bared her soul to him and told him her deepest dark secrets.


Seems pretty simple...

1. Create *phantom* Facebook profile...

2. Begin talking to wife as "Johnny Studcakes", Rich lonely doctor.

3. All questions answered.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

poms has a point, finding the nuts and bolt of what is really going on and getting copies of the inapropreaite behavior is the best way to truely bring this to light and address the issue.

In my opinion, when you have solid evidence that can be put in the DS face it most likely will open them up and at least start a dialog.

Once a dialog is started you get going on repairing the marriage

See the point being some folks can visualize things others are reader. You can tell when you ask some one a question they will either look up or down. Anyway point is your wife may need to see things in writing, hence the black and white copies of these emails or text. 

Sometimes just getting them to see the problem is half the battle. Then you can start making boundries that will protect you from getting hurt in the future, and letting her know what you will and will not tolorate.


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## pr4345 (Jan 24, 2011)

Thanks for all the thoughts. I definitely need to get the black and white and confront her with it.....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is a serial cheater. Was, is, and always will be. The 9 years off of cheating (as far as you know) was not her norm. She is now back to her old ways. You need to get serious if you want this to be the story of the rest of your life. She "bared" her soul to this scam artist. She is the scam artist. She was going to leave you flat, and the only reason she hasn't is because it fell through. You seriously need to make some hard decisions.


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## pr4345 (Jan 24, 2011)

Thanks Initfortheduration.....well the update is she has moved on to a physical affair with this new one... I thought the roller coaster was on the upswing. SHe was back to church and extremely loving. I knew she had a business trip planned this week. It was supposedly with a lady from the office. SOmethings just did not add up so I called the ladies work phone and she answered. Well when the wife got home she was again extremely loving to me but I could not bring myself to touch her. She knew something was up so I finally again said I wanted the truth and she knew. So in stead of remorse or pleading she is now angry at me.... Go figure.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Pr I am so sorry for your situation, and yeah EA's can happen back to back Chris. My husband ended one on his own a few months back, and I just discovered his latest one about a week ago, which started up shortly after he ended the last one. Of course she's mad at you you are making her face something she knows is wrong, shame on you!!!! lol.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Know that you have found the nuts and bolt of her actions it is time to take your own steps.
Go to Affaircare and educate your self on how to fight this *again*. It sucks that I have to say the word again but its true. 

9 years is a good run, in may case the longest run we had was 5 years (married for 20). So as the guy with the cheating wife I have to say that #1 you diserve to be happy and you diserve good things. You have no control over her behavior as you can see. So it will be up to you to control what you need to do to make you happy.

If that is fighting for your marriage *again* then go out and get the ammo you need to fight, ie. books and theropy. But it sound like you may have been down this roud and know what you need to do. The question I think is do you want to do it *again*.

So evaluate your life, write it down, make the dicision that will make you happier in the long run. Will she ever change? Will she stop for another 9 to 10 years? Can you except her being touched by OM? Is it finacialy worth the effort? I mean I can go on but you need to ansewer some tough guestion about your self. 

At this point she really has nothing to do with it, history has proven its self, it is what you will tolorate and what you diserve *again*.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I get that Guy, I am at a crossroads like that....Pr, I am kind of in the same boat, after everything we both did, and discovering this new EA, trying to decide if I discover if I find contact if I'm done or kick him out and tell him not to come back until he's ready to commit, it's a long tough road. I am finding myself asking all of these questions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me I wrote down the pros and cons of it all.
I found that I had more in the pro column for reason to work on the marriage.
Lets face it we are not happy now but what would makes us happy in the long run?
Well for me it was commitment(just like everyone) if wife didn't commit I would have to take the hard task of kicking her out and look forward to a healthier life. If she wasn't commited why live in the missury of it all?
But since she did commit I'm still happy.

IDK, we all can tolorate somethings in life and be happy, but sometimes it gets to much and it needs to be fixed and if the other person isn't on board with that...you can't control it so you move on. Knowing that this person can no longer make you happy.
I mean I love my wife and shes the mother of my kids, I couldn't tolorate sharing her any more, I couldn't stand her being out all night. I had to make that change.

See I was at one point happy when she was gone, I had my time to do want I wanted, I was happy.
The boytoys she had relieve the pressure on me. I didn't have to spend the time giving her attention, some one else did that for me, sh*t it was easier that way, I was happy.

But something inside me want that all to stop, I was no longer happy. So I changed and I stood up and said so. I quess I was lucky b/c she came along. She could have just as easiely said bye and I would have excepted that b/c I was looking for happiness she wasn't giving it to me so I was prepared to move on. 
Its been 12 month and 2 weeks and a day and she has stop all her shinanagins and has devoted to making me happy, I inreturn do the same.

I guess the point is soon there will be a breaking point for you and pr and you will take happiness over your curent sitch. and except what ever out come it my be. With or with out you SO.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't mean to intrude but bad marriages you decide to take another whack at are like bad jobs where you take another job and then change your mind and accept your employer's counter offer. 90% of the time that doesn't work out because you were already disappointed enough to leave for any number of reasons you could name. It's never one thing or two. It's the WHOLE thing. I don't think it's entirely heartless and cold blooded to walk away from a train wreck.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> not to doubt you, but are these emotional affairs or just a walk on the wild side? I find it hard to believe that she would get into an EA just weeks after another one.


me and my wife has been married for 5 years...together for 6...in that time span my wife has had so many EA i cant count them, untill recentally they have stoped though. I can tell you first time if someone is additted to these EA then yeah just weeks apart if very possiable, my wife's first 3 was in the span of a month...the thing is 2 of the 3 where at the same time and i only found 1 at a time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Point taken, I still have my reason to stay, there are a number of reasons one is I'm finaly getting to a point were I give a crap about my family then I do my carere. I missed watching my kids grow up so now I only have a few months before there off to college next years.

Hell I never really thought about my marriage until now so now that I take life alittle slower its nice to have some one that loves you. Its wierd after so many years of dismissing my marraige I feel lucky to have a second chance... with the same person but with different behaviors.
Granted the marraige was a wreck for 19 years, I figure if this time I'll try and I wont have the wrecks I choose to ignor for so many years.
For me I think it is a new job with the same crew. I just changed job sites and changed companies, I just kept my crew.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

pr,
sorry for the treadjacking. I guess I should start a new thread instead of using yours. It won't happen again ;-)


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I have found it's kind of easy to do...lol


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