# Would like a womans perspective



## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Hello everyone, new here and I'll say fortunately and unfortunately, fortunately because I'm sure there are plenty of people who were in similar situations that can shed some wisdom to my situation and help these feelings I have, and unfortunately because my marriage is at it's worst right now and I'm not sure it can recover so that is how I found this place.

This is going to be loooooong hopefully some will take the time to read, I am not afraid to hear everything I am doing wrong as it may help me and my marriage and is why I am asking from the woman's perspective.

Me and my wife have been married for just over 8 years now. the 1st two years were fine and we were starting to build and grow in our lives together. she worked I worked we were doing good.. she started hurting alot and would get occasional migraines that would put her down for a bit, we have been to a gazillion Dr's and all types of medications, learning to find out she has fibromyalgia, well over the course of time she had become addicted to the pain medication, and really started abusing it. 
Then she started missing work and calling out which eventually led to her being fired. then the debt started to accumulate, but neither of us were good with money. I got a 2nd job, I took out loans, 2nd mortgaged the house to pay off cc bills etc.

Once things got too bad, she applied and got a good job which she lost shortly after getting a new car she could feel safe in for her drive, for calling out. 

The addiciton got worst but she would not listen or lie about needing help. so now we had a new car payment and no job, at this point I was basically up to 3 jobs to try and keep things going and not lose everything, we rode unemployment for her for a little while and it was just not enough.
I was starting to get frustrated, tired, burnt out, not only did I work 8-10 hours at regular work, I would also do hard labor for a few hours and then I also did some side work here and there on top of that throughout the week. 

All at the same time maintaining the entire household, dishes, laundry, cooking, dusting, cleaning, vaccuming, every household chore, while she laid on the couch, miserable and slept, I would call her out on being stoned, she would deny it and say it was just the pain, but being passed out on the floor in the garage isn't pain. 

I grew distant, stressed and overly worried about her, finances everything I couldn't sleep. As far as any type of sex life at this point it was basically nonexistent unless I asked and even then, I was denied all the time except rare occasions, it was always not today I hurt, but tomorrow, then tomorrow would be the same. 
I really started shutting down, she too grew distant from me at this point but was just about distant from everything, due to not being able to sleep while laying in bed I would go down stairs and dose off watching tv, and at the same time, realized it was making my back feel a lot better, well needless to say that started becoming a habit.

I have a pretty serious back issue, but manage to do what needs to be done day in and day out. Well over the course of a few months of me sleeping on the couch she basically thought I was done with her. We talked about it and I explained why but my reasons weren't a good enough answer and I was given ultimatums to sleep in bed asa husband and wife shouldn't sleep in different areas. I had a really hard time breaking that habit, I would fall asleep on the couch and when I would wake up I would go upstairs and she would be snoring away, there was no way I could fall asleep with that. so I would go back down. she would go upstairs way before I would so it wasn’t like I could go up before her, as most of the time when I got home from work she would ask if I would be mad if she went and laid down because she hurt so bad. at this point I would just say n because I had so much resentment built up at this point from busting my ass all the time and coming home to nothing ever being done and doing it all when I got home and I would just get a sorry, or no don't do that I'll do it tomorrow, then it would still be there when I got home the next day. At this point I gained the mentality that if I don't do it, it won't get done, which gave me more resentment.



Needless to say she started to mention she needed more affection from me, I told her I need something to give affection too, she's doped up half passed out on the couch when I get home from work, then goes to bed and I have to do everything. at this point I'm clueless, checking out and just cruising along doing what I have to do to maintain the house. In the meantime doing everything for her still, and showing some affection when it was even possible. And the only thing I got in return was apologies.

Then it happened she looked really upset, more than usual, I knew something was really wrong, and it came out. You know that guy from school that posted such and such a while back and I asked you what to do about it? I said yeah and then the bomb dropped, well we started talking a bit and I actually went and had lunch a few times. Talk about a moment in my life where I never felt so crappy... well I was afraid to tell you, but were only friends and I sit here all day by myself with no one to talk to. well we fought over that, I told her nothing good was going to come out of it, and it even got to where I guess she was telling him how bad I neglect her and of course he swooned in on that and made her feel like gold. he had no clue about anything I was dealing with of course, I asked her if she told him all her issues and of course not a one. I was just this bad neglecting husband, basically killing himself for someone who doesn't even care about him. 

Well she left for a few days, we talked about the whole situation, she just couldn't agree not to talk to him because he was only a friend from school and someone to talk to during the day. And me being a dumbass giving in, said I don't care if you talk to him, but no way should you see him, unless I am present.

We went on a whole family vacation a few weeks later, she laid in bed and slept most of the time, (so she said)I wasn't going to waste that money so I went out and did things with my family, then on the way home she was upset I didn't spend more time with her, meanwhile my family asked why she was so distant and didn't want to spend time with anyone. 

So of course by this point I am not too happy, hence the day before my birthday a month later, one of her things was that she dind;t have no one to talk to during the day so I made an extra effort even when busy to call every day when I could, but I would call and just get complaint after complaint, day after day.

It just got tiring of hearing the same thing over and over, by this time there were instructions by dr's on what to do to help but no action taken on her behalf even though she constantly said I can’t do this anymore. I would mention you know what you need to do and she would say yeah I know but nothing. Well back to the day before my birthday, I called on lunch no answer, I texted no response, of course from the issues about lunch before my head starts going, well I continue to call and nothing,.
I keep calling then she answers, nothing but silence in the background, not normal, asks what I want she has a headache and is sleeping call later. my stomach drops, I leave works and go home praying she is there and her car is gone, I call her back no answer, call again and she answers I said hey I just wanted to see if you were still sleeping and she says yeah I dont feel good (man getting nauseas typing this right now) then I asked where at becasue I'm home and you’re not! Needless to say she went shopping with her friend and his kids.. this whole mess was a big battle for a few months with separation thrown in there, I told her if she doesn’t stop talking to him at this point I am done. she sent me a text that she sent to him saying she needs to work on her marriage and it wouldn't be good to talk to him anymore, well she was at her parents that weekend because I didn't want her home and she didn’t want to come home. She said she was done talking to him and needed time to think. at this point I am paying for everything, so I went in to see if I could block calls on her phone or see what his number was. and low and behold, all day everyday she was texting this guy, throughout our whole vacation (mentioned earlier) and all the times she would go upstairs to lay down because she didn't feel good. 
So I watched all that for a few days and she continued texting him after she said she was going to stop. Long story made shorter, we separated for a little while over this, and got back together wanting to make it work, she needed affection, I needed some effort for anything to be done and I needed something to give affection too and she needed to get help with her addiction.

All that took place, I was able to let go of all the above, I had to or it would eat me alive, in the meantime through that mess, we lost her truck, my boat, defaulted on cc's etc. so at that point the truck going was my fault because I didn’t pay it, sorry I would rather keep the house than pay for you to drive and see someone else. Wasn't happening I couldn't afford it. 

Fast forward another year, she got a job cause she had to, to try and keep our house, and lost it due to call outs, so she sat home miserable on unemployment again, needed a car, took a loan out of my 401k and got her a car. She still sat home and complained we never went out and did anything, I wasn't going to plan anything and told her to tell me when she feels up to it, becasue she always hurt and never made it to any events we had to go to, my family actually stopped asking me where my wife was because they could see it upset me. 

So trying to fast forward a little because this was life again, different meds, same result lay on couch sleep all the time, do nothing. and here is where things really changed for me, throughout this time we had some conversations about our needs, in order for some of my needs to be met (sex especially) she needed affection, I understand that, I tried, laying on the couch together, making sure to hold hands when we did go out together "shopping" for her. Little love notes, flowers out of the blue for no reason etc. etc. but how long can I keep that up when the only thing I get in return is an I'm sorry. Never and initiation for sex on her part and when I did muster up the courage to ask I was either rejected or told make it quick I'm hurting a lot, or how about just this today. at thos epoints I dind;t even really want it but took it because who knows when I would get it again. 

So this spring rolls around and a old girl friend asks her to take a trip to see her somewhere, I'm thinking go have fun at this point I need some time alone, maybe she'll think about things as well, I know the trip is legitimate. All of the sudden she is able to work out? because she is worried about what her friend will think about her? dr's have been telling her for years to workout but never lifted a finger. I was devastated at that point, I scrubbed the kitchen floor by hand one day and a bunch of other things, while she laid on the couch with a headache, I got in the shower, she came in and said I'm a horrible wife, laying on the couch while my husband is scrubbing the floor, I don't know why you stay with me. I told her because I love her and she says no it's just because of your religion, I just shook my head at that point and said that really didn't matter. She already committed spiritual adultery. So and hour later she was working out for her trip and even sometimes two times a day. I told myself and the Lord I have one more try in me and I need his help, when she came home from her trip I gave her everything she has always said she needed, for up to two weeks and I get from her I really appreciate you and notice you really trying to make things work.. Thank You. 
I just said that's all we can do is try. So another week goes by. I'm still doing everything and my taker is just dying to burst out and it does. I shut down, she asked what was wrong, I just said I need you to try or I am done. You can’t expect me to keep trying to make this work by myself, it won't happen, it's like sitting at a slot machine that says you will never get money out of this machine but we would really appreciate it if you would continue to put your money in. we then argued over that she said that she can't just let the comment go from before that she needs to give me something to Love in order for me to show her affection, you just can’t give affection to misery it's impossible. So I told her she needs to let that go and understand what it means. Well after a long drawn out day we agree to give it one more try, I have been doing everything in my power to make this work, we went to the beach this past weekend, had a nice day. Holding hands on the beach etc. just as were leaving she is miserable, I say whats wrong..
Nothing talk about it later, so we get in the car and I ask again and she said she is worried about us, she just doesn't feel it, it's not me it's her and she doesn't know how to fix it. I told her well I can't do any more than I'm doing, I'm having a hard time giving affection because you don't even acknowledge me except by words, she doesn't even touch me, I just don't think she realizes what she has right now, all she worries about is everyone else's life and relationship but our own. I have been through so much with this woman and Love her but I really don’t know what else to do. Then when almost home that day, she rubs my back and says everything wil be o.k and we'll be fine. Really???????????

I mean at that point what am I to think? She just basically said she doesn’t want ort desire to be with me, but she needs to figure out how to fix that and agrees that I can only do what I’m doing. Which for me at this point is so fake because I am getting nothing I need. 

Does this seem dead? Am I missing something else I could be doing to make this work?
Sorry for the humongous post but really wanted to give a real explanation of what has been going on for so long and some of the things we have been through.

I just think to myself now there would probably be a lot of women out there who love to have someone like me that does even half the stuff I do. I'm a good looking guy, I want to love and be loved, I like to do and please, but I also would like that in return.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

wow that is a huge post, sorry


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not a female but can you minute by minute be SURE she isnt getting boinked by another dude?

"seeing a friend", "shopping", "trip with friend" that is not 100% verified. CAN be red flags or not.

Sounds more like depression than affair but there are red flags.

Hey! At least you know what a paragraph is! We've had them that long with NO breaks.

The women here can give you better mental insight into your wife but I do see some red flags.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Yeah at this point I know she is not, and to be honest, back then I know she didn't she just put herself there, she wouldn't be able to do that part, maybe overtime and maybe it would have went there at somepoint, I know there is nothing happening now, especially with that person, that got ugly and is history.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I read all of this and I'm sitting here shaking my head as to WHY you want this woman.

She's a druggie, has ruined you financially, won't work, sleeps all the time, has fibro - but does nothing for it, won't have sex with you, cheated on you and yet you continue to break your back for her.

HUH???


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

I ask myself the same question, I did take vows, obviously she has broken them, that was really, really hard on me, but I could see my wrong at that point and even though I definitely don't agree with it, I could see her getting the attention from somewhere else that I wasn't giving her.

All the advice I have ever gotten was either from a male friend or my family who don't know everything , but do know about the spiriatual adultery part as we seperated, and know about the drug use, but that has stopped as well. 
That is what bothers me for better or for worse right? Just lost and depressed, I know I don't deserve this and I hope things turn around, she has done some things around the house since our convesation on saturday, but after hearing that she is currently not interested I am kind of pulling away. if she were to come on to me right now, bad thing is I would probably take it. 
I think a big part is my self confidence, I have been rejected on my sexual advances so many times over the years and she never initiates, but I know if I were to go back on the market I could probably be happy and do very well. 

I guess I'm also afraid of losing everything else I have left. I will be forced to move in with my parents, (I'm almost 40) lose my dogs and take an even larger financial beating for years. I think I'm just plain screwed without the sex.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I read all of this and I'm sitting here shaking my head as to WHY you want this woman.
> 
> She's a druggie, has ruined you financially, won't work, sleeps all the time, has fibro - but does nothing for it, won't have sex with you, cheated on you and yet you continue to break your back for her.
> 
> HUH???


Love

Its one sided love. He loves her.

But its love.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

it's past time to leave this poor excuse for a marriage, a partnership, a friendship. yes- it will suck to move in with your parents, but you will recover, and get stronger, and be happier, and move on from this train wreck woman and marriage. you gave it your best. you should have no regrets for trying.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm not a women but...

Your wife is an addict that most likely suffers from deep depression leading to the fibro. She will not change because you want her to. According to your description she lacks a moral compass. She is simply a lost person and will not have the strength to do the right thing on her own. 

*You are her enabler and a classic nice guy that doesn't realize he's setting himself up for abuse.* You also need to realize that your making her a worse person by allowing her to behave this way. 

You have to change yourself before anything else will change. You need some tough love here because you misplaced your balls. You cannot nice your way out of this situation. Being nice is what's created this situation. Your wife views you as her sucker. She believes you'll do anything to save the marriage including sacrificing your self respect. 

Stop doing the damm housework. Let it pile up. It won't affect your future. Stop allowing her to spend your money. Take away her access to your accounts immediately. Sell the extra car. It's worth taking a small loss to get your house in order and to make a point. Tell her that she needs to get a job to support herself because you not going to do it anymore. Tell her she needs to get some help with the pills or your going to leave. Don't yell at her or threaten her. Just sit her down and tell her calmly about your future plans. Write them down for her if she can't pay attention when you talking to her. Start saving money so you have an escape path because it looks like your in denial about her activities with the other guy. Start spending your free time (if you have any) away from house. Make some new friends and workout. Start acting like a fricken man and there's a small chance she'll come around. Very small.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

I just want to clarify two things, the other guy thing was 2 years ago, long gone. And the pills as far as opiates have been removed from our lives and she is tested. she currently takes Lyrica for the fibro.

I think the problem I have is I have hope, and I never wanted to or actually did fail at anything in life that I applied myself too, my jobs, my hobbies, and any adversity, I exceeded at all of them and really pride myself on that. But I am failing at this and I don't want too. 

I can't stand a dirty house, I'm not a neat freak but If I let it go it would be just herrendous and then I just won't be able to take it, and it will be 100 times worse than if I just kept up with it.

She currently is employed again works 3 days a week, but is on leave for the next 8 weeks , but one more call out and she will be asked to resign. 

So in a sense is she trying now? she seems to be doing more to help with chores and working, but nothing in regards to our Love for one another.

I'm afraid to cut off me doing anything as well as if she is trying slowly and I shut down, she will in turn shut down as well.

Yes she suffers from depression, theres nothing I can do about that. I try and always be positive but she is constantly negative about everything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Basically, she uses you because you let her. My DD22 has fibro and she is in constant pain, so I get her side, too. But she has to have a reason to work herself OUT of the pain - as she has shown willingness to do WHEN IT MATTERS TO HER. 

Basically YOU don't matter to her. And most likely you don't matter because you let her USE you.

Go to the lawyer, set up a trial separation, let her know you are doing it, and make plans to move out, sell the house, and get out from whatever financial obligations you have with her. MAYBE then she'll realize what she's about to lose (but don't bet on it).

You only get one life, Corso, and you're wasting yours away out of misguided intentions. You aren't helping her by staying.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Corso said:


> I just want to clarify two things, the other guy thing was 2 years ago, long gone. And the pills as far as opiates have been removed from our lives and she is tested. she currently takes Lyrica for the fibro.
> 
> I think the problem I have is I have hope, and I never wanted to or actually did fail at anything in life that I applied myself too, my jobs, my hobbies, and any adversity, I exceeded at all of them and really pride myself on that. But I am failing at this and I don't want too.
> 
> ...



I understand the "not wanting to fail" aspect and losing hope. I'm exactly the same way. Depression is often described as "The inability to imagine a future."

You're most likely a rescuer like me. It's a bad habit I kicked a few years ago, but its still in my DNA. My wife has also been lazy in our relationship. She is programmed to fail and will sabotage herself without being aware of it. I spent years trying to fix her and now I'm can't seem to care anymore. I'm trying to fix myself now. I'm staying for my two boys at this point, but its getting very hard. I know its not easy to leave. The penalties are huge.

If you're worried about pulling away she will sense it and take advantage. This is the ugly truth of some people. I can tell you have a sense of honor from your posts. A sense of honor is not common these days. If your wife is a *perma-victim* then by definition she has no honor. Think about that one. This idea was a turning point for me and allowed me to take some necessary action like preparing for a future apart from my wife.

If you are planning to stay then you will need to change your approach anyway. What your doing now isn't working. It this case you cannot succeed without your wife wanting success. I have forgiven myself for picking (or rescuing) the wrong person. It was a direct result of my childhood and I will not make that mistake again. I have done all the things that I suggested for you to do and they all improved my situation. The key is to take action, stay civil, tell her you love her but let her know that your not bluffing or blowing off steam.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank You for taking the time to repsond and the quick responses. 

A lot of very valid points and things I need to do asap.

And thank You yes I am a well mannered/ respectful person I try my best to be the best person I can be and honor my word by my actions. 
That is why it would be so hard for me to leave, I get the guilt trip alot from her about how I don;t understand the pain she has, and I see that, I just have a soft heart that I wish I could turn to stone for a little while to get through this. 


I'm gonna have to go look up that perma-victim thing


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Corso said:


> Thank You for taking the time to repsond and the quick responses.
> 
> A lot of very valid points and things I need to do asap.
> 
> ...



I made up the perma-victim phrase. Many people these days have a victim mentality and our culture is supporting it.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

I actually did look it up, someone did use it:

They who demand tolerance and succor but give none in return.

Basically dead on. especially when it comes to meeting needs


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They can demand it, but you don't have to give it. That's on YOU.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Corso: You are right my situation was a little different but many many are the same. It seems like just when you have had enough she sense it and pulls you back in. I had that but did not seeit then.
No one can tell you when you should end your marrige only you will know when or if it is time. Yes, ending it will be incredabily difficult and some my say you gave up on your wife when she was ill but it take two to make it work. She would have to give as much as you are willing to give.
There is no easy answer to anyones problems but the are solutions. I though that I would be a loney single guy are I got divorced but I was completely wrong with that assumsion. You will be fine if it comes to that so don't worry.
I also kept the problems away from my family for a long time including my teenage kids. But they all knew without anyone telling them.
Good luck to you, I hope what you find here helps because it did for me


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

She seems very childish and selfish. All she is concerned with is her wants and needs. She has no empathy for anyone else. She's made it clear your needs don't matter to her, and no marriage will work with that attitude. 

You sound like a great guy, but a person can only give so much, and one person trying cannot hold a marriage together. 

Have the two of you ever tried marriage counceling?


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

Wow.........Can this marriage be saved? Not without a LOT of work by both of you.
I am female and I so get your wanting to stay....as you feel leaving is a failure on your part. I am in a similar situation.......my partner takes lots of meds......suffers from anxiety and depression......and shows no affection at all to me. I can't remember the last time I got a compliment or a thank you. Why do I stay? I love him like you do your wife. I keep thinking the "old" him that I fell in love with will return.
I can say this from a woman's point of view. Often we need our significant others to be our "mirror".....They tell us when we look hot....when we look sexy.....and they do that with words....a whisper.....a touch.......I have said to my partner many times...."Making love to a woman begins the moment you walk in the door." Without the simplest of affection walls are formed.....and with time......it is more difficult to tear them down. 
If still love your wife....tell her.....and often.......do little things for her..........without expecting anything in return.......send a text during the day just to say you are thinking of her.......shower her with signs of affection.....at this point....what do you have to lose?


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Well just got back from a vacation, it was the last straw, she actually left me there with my family 6 hours away from home. 

All because she went to make a phone call, we were in the middle of no where, she wanted to call her Mom and see how our dogs were doing, Fine. 1 hour had past, we were getting worried about her and debating wether or not to go look for her knowing she can yap with her mother. well after another 1/2 hour we decided to take a ride and see if she was ok.
She was at the spot where you could get reception and just stuck her phone out the window with the timer showing and had put her mom on speaker and said say hi Mom. right away she was on the defensive.
You know I knew I was damned if I did go and damned if i didn't. so she came back to the house and my sister said we were worried about her and she could have called the house. she just rolled her eyes and walked away. 

then she comes outside and yells out to my sister and b-inlaw, you want to know why I'm upset this week? cause were going to lose our house. But thr day prior drivintg from somehwere she said to me she was going to have to call her boss and tell him shhe wasn;t returning to work cause she can;t do it. So we got into a little argument, but my niece and nephew were close by, then she said lets go for a walk and talk about it, I said no I don't want to go argue. so she ran off and started packing. I told her not to leave, she wouldn't listen, so I grabbed her suitcase and put it in her truck. She left and drove 6 hours home. 

So we decided that it just isn't working and we need to move on. then she says I just have to say something, and I get the you should have never let your wife drive home 6 hours in the dark, she even put her mom on the phone and she said I was wrong for letting her leave. I told her not to go, but she was persistent, I couldn't hold her captive she is a grown woman, I can only assume that if I begged and apologized for doing nothing wrong she would have stayed. But when I explained it to my family and my sister that was there they said if she wanted to leave you couldn't stop her.

And to the last poster, I have done all of those things for the last few months when we were trying to fix things, I give and give and give, cards, flowers, dinner, cuddling etc.and after about 2 months when I mentioned something about it, that I'm justnot feeling anything in return, her answer was well I'm just not there yet and not sure I will be. Kind of like putting your money into a slot machine that never pays out, you need to get a little something back to keep playing, especially for that long, then hearing that you might not ever hit, your going to move to another machine.

Now I have major problems to deal with, our dogs, the house which we might lose anyways, I would like to keep it, trying to remortgage it now so i can, but they want to know if she is planning on returning to work, and I can only assume if she says no which shes not planning on doing they will deny. I also have the issue of money, she is on the house so it's 50/50 I can't kick her out, I don't want things to get ugly and we both agreed to that but I know if I cut her off finacially she is going to go after me. Ugggggjhhhh!!!!!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She's already gone after you ever since she took to the couch and laid there for lord only knows how long. If she in that bad of shape, how can she got to a gym and work out when she's in too much pain to clean the house. 

Look. She already ruined you financially and she's coming close to ruining you mentally. Fat lot of good money is when your in a padded cell. She used you for a crutch and her physical ailments as a crutch. You have given far too much and it's time to cut your losses and move on. There can be no marriage when one person does all the giving and the other does nothing but take. That's not a marriage. You gave it your best shot and for her it wasn't enough so now you have to lick your wounds get your life in order. You can look in the mirror and say I did the best that I could do. No one can say that you didn't give it your best. Best of luck to you.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank You, now I just have to figure out how to keep it civil on my end to keep my sanity, everyone I know doesn;t know how I put up with it for so long, and I ask myself the same question.

I guess I felt it was my duty as a husband for better or for worse.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Corso - 

I am sorry your marriage went south, but glad you are thinking of leaving the sinking ship for the sake of your mental health and chances of a happier future. I just wanted to commend you for how hard you tried to make it work. You stayed and hung in there for a long time, despite the disintegration and apparent one-sidedness of the relationship. As hard as it is to make the decision to end it, I hope it helps you feel better knowing you truly did give it your all. You sound like a class act, and you deserve to be with someone who respects and appreciates you.

Take care, and hang in there -- you're in good company on TAM.

Kind Regards,- A12


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank you very much A12. I took marriage very seriously and definitely wanted to make sure I did everything I could before making the final call. I can now say I truely did. I may still question myself a little but I know deep down inside that I did.

I know I know have a long road to travel and can only pray it isn't to hard, I guess I really just need to look towards the end of that road and know that it is possible to once again be happy after being through so much. It would be weird to end up in a new realtionship one day where things were 50/50 I can't really imagine that right now. and I think I would be even satisifed with 80/20 after 98/2 for so long, although 50/50 would be something out of this world.

I also wish her the best, that may seem weird but I will always have love for her, we had some good years. and I know I contributed my share of enabling for things to just keep getting worse, so letting her go is best for her as well so she can get herself together because she will have to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Woman here. Corso, you can't save her and you have been enabling her. She knows that you'll work three jobs while she's on the couch; she must hit rock bottom before she'll consider getting help for her addiction. The money you've spent is a sunk cost; see a lawyer now and cut your losses as much as you can. You don't mention kids but how do you think this will play out if you bring kids into this? At this point you are a paycheck to her, so why would she willingly get rid of you? Addicts are master manipulators; I have a couple in my family. Get out of this marriage now before it damages you to the point that you have a hard time with future relationships. Too many people get caught up in not wanting to "fail" without considering that half of the marriage is out of their control.
As for wishing her well, of course you do because you're a decent human being. My ex was an arse but I still wish him well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Corso, you sound like such a class act and stand up guy -- I have little doubt your future will be bright, and you will be able to go on and have many more fulfilling adventures and satisfactions. Be well, and keep in touch.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank you both for the encouragement, No kids thank God! Although we do have two dogs that are basically my children, to be honest that is one of the only reasons I stuck around this long, I have no place to take them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can find someone to foster them for you and you can visit them daily at that person's house, until you can get a place that takes dogs.


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

I am a woman and this is what I think. You love your wife...otherwise you wouldn't live the way you have with her. You would be so appreciated by most women....but your wife is so negative she doesn't seem to appreciate anything. Maybe because her health is not good....and yours is....she is jealous. I have seen this happen before with couples I know. I also believe that negativity breeds negativity. Hats off to you for trying all you have....but at what point do you begin to take care of yourself? Maybe a separation is in order and just take it from there. My heart goes out to you because your wife is a lucky lady. Unfortunately she doesn't know it!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Time to give 

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: 9780894864025: Amazon.com: Books

a read.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Well things are ugly now. 

Our finances because of all this are shot/ I went to see a bank/div lawyer, when I got home she wanted to now what happened, well I started explaining the price of everything, I told her she needs to open her own checking acct and that I would write her a check each week as I can't afford to pay for all her expenses and pay to get all this taken care of.

Well you all know how that went, she actually called her parents and was just scolding me and accusing me of all these lies, unfortunately I blew my lid and started yelling back, I have been taking her garbage since we said it was over, but the false accusations while talking to her parents was to much.

We went back an forth and she was just naaasty like psychotic, at that point I realized it was time to go, I went into the kitchen, grabbed my keys, she grabbed my cell phone and opened the door and chucked it in the garage, she then grabbed my "brand new work issued phone" and I grabbed her hand, she started saying let go of my hand, I said let go of the phone its not mine, this went back and forth a few times, all while she is still holding the other phone to her ear with her parents on it.

She finally put it down, I grabbed it and headed toward the door, then she says ohhhh look at that, I have a scratch maybe I'll call the cops, I just left. 
15 minutes later Police call my cell phone. recommended I stay away for the night, they weren't going to file abuse charges because it was just a scratch and it didn't warrant that. 

The next day she calls me and just asked where her car keys are?? I don't know, she then calls later and asks if I'm moving out then goes on this tangent of how much damage is done to her arm and that there was blood everywhere, she took pictures, it's all bruised up etc. She couldn't sleep as she was afraid for her life. Ridiculous!!!

I called the police to get an escort there to get some things obviously I can't stay there, actually ended up being same officer that was there, I asked about her arm he said she had a scratch on her finger and a mark on her arm she said was from the phone case.

I told him what she said and he said it didn't matter everything is in the police report, we got there and she had band aids up and down her arm, and she was the happiest and most outgoing person I have ever seen the whole time I was there, chatting up a storm with him and laughing, but if you are afraid for your life or upset about D. Is that how you would really be acting? I think he saw through that.

Well she called yesterday I didn't answer, I needed to get a lawyer an find out my rights as far as the house an everything else, and paying for her to live there as I am afraid to get accused of something else by staying or going there, which pisses me off, her and her family are there now and they can be taking all my stuff.

So today is D day when I drop the bomb that there will be a letter coming in the mail from my Lawyer. I am worried that she is going to break some of my expensive things that I just can't get right now (if her family didn't already take them!!!!). Sorry for the rant but really needed to get that out.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I have a few comments from personal experience on pain medication, and the stigma that comes from being on it, and I also had central sensitization aka fibro.

First of all I have been on every and any kind of pain med, and TONS of people would assume I was abusing them. Even though I was in a clinic that tested you and counted pills. So you need to see if this is really abuse or if you are treating her as if she is abusing these meds because of some bias. Most people still to this day do not understand the difference between tolerance and abuse.

Fibro is typically treated with SSRI's, and there is only one medication approved and that is Savella.

Fibro is thought to be central sensitization. Typically happening to women because they experience stress differently. Their body (unconsciously) goes into flight response 24/7. 

This happened to me after I got married, was diagnosed with a major disorder and worked full-time... as my husband became abusive and violent I started having weird things happen. I felt like I was 150 yo. I was sensitive to light, noise etc. It was so horrible that certain people talking on the phone next to me would almost drive me mad.

Are you authorized to discuss her treatment? If so ask the doctor about doses and monitor this. Determine if she is abusing or if you think she is based on what you feel is too much medication. If you want specifics on this PM me.

If she is abusing I would tell her doctor about it, tell her she needs treatment or you will leave (and generally follow what people are saying here)

If she is not abusing but is on too much medication that is not helping her- get involved.
You need to still discuss counseling etc with her doctor for the 2 of you. This is life changing for you and her.

In my case there was violence and other things going on (such as my husband going to strip clubs while I stayed at home)

You also need to ask yourself if you were in her shoes would she give you a chance or bail?


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Wow sorry, I have a really bad habit of not reading the end of the posts....

You can ask the police to go to the house with you to get expensive things out or to take photos of them. If you think she is going to accuse you of things don't go to the house alone.

I am still saying you need to make sure she is abusing the meds and what is prescribed, and discuss this with her doctor. If she is abusing he is required to talk to her and lower her meds or cut her off.

Call her parents and tell them you are worried about her prescriptions.

I'm always skeptical of this stuff because I was on low doses of meds and people would look at me like I was a junkie. If she is legitimately abusing meds she needs to be stopped.

I am also confused as to why a treating physician would prescribe so much pain meds when these conditions are treated with SSRI's (actually most pain conditions are treated with SSRI's and anti-seizure meds) or a combo.

Common medications have been moved to schedule 2 now because of the abuse, and the DEA has cracked down on pharmacies. 

If she is buying this stuff off the street she has a good 80-90% chance of being arrested.

And if she is doing this I hope she does because people with cancer and legit issues are being treated like criminals due to the behavior of people like her. And it makes me mad.


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Yeah you would have to go back to the beginning and read that giant post, it's more than me just giving her a chance because of pain, that is why I stayed this long always hoping, but no change, she has to want to do something, out of respect I want get into what she takes but she abuses.

I called today to ask her to put some things in a bag for me and put it outside and I would leave a check in the mailbox. She just started telling me of all the things she was cleaning around the house and that she asked the neighbor to come over later to show her how to use the lawn mower. Couldn't do a dish until I left because it hurt to bad, or couldn't work, but she's going to mow the lawn? This is best for her and me, she will thank me in the long run, I just have to get out for my own health. I will miss my dogs.


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