# Wife might have emotional affair



## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Hello everyone

I'm in doubt if my wife is having an emotional affair with a male co-worker. 
She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis which i saw. I didnt see the context. But i confronted her.
We talked about it, and she told me it's not uncommon for her to use it in text messages. 
Anyway. I think that might have stopped.

She still talks a lot with the guy. He's trying to get her to help with online dating. Asking her what to write to his tinder matches. He's apparently very insecure, and doesn't cope well with rejection. He will get sad and emotionally affected if his matches doesn't respond.
He's asked my wife to be sort of his wingwoman, and join him on outings and/or speeddates for emotional support. 

I felt that was a line that shouldn't be crossed. I've talked to my wife that i don't like the idea of that, and really questions his motives. 
She's accepted that it i don't support that, but also says she is 99% sure that he is not into her, and she is definately not into him romantically.
The issue here however is, that she hasn't told him that the idea of her being a wingwoman is not happening. Her reasoning was that it isn't relevant now anyway, as he has made no plans about it yet. But she will do it, if he's actually serious about it.

I've told her i'm not going to demand when she tells him, but made my feelings clear.

Am I being jealous ? 

P.S sorry for any errors. I'm not native english


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@PaChAn 
your wife is in an emotional affair and she is covering it up by this story 
being a wingwoman is her story so she can go out and date him

all cheating scenarios the cheater portrait the picture about the person they cheated with as Not good looking, not into them, not their type, Ewww he is just friend ...
your wife shouldn't be talking to him period other than work and during work. 

have you read her conversation with him? the entire thread? is there anything deleted?

*"and join him on outings and/or speeddates for emotional support." *
they are either already having sex, planning, or your wife is naive and the guy trying to get her drunk 

_*"he issue here however is, that she hasn't told him that the idea of her being a wingwoman is not happening. Her reasoning was that it isn't relevant now anyway, as he has made no plans about it yet. But she will do it, if he's actually serious about it."*_
this is red flag and concerning. that tells me she doesn't like your decision of not allowing her to go out with him and doesn't want to hurt HIS feelings (not your feeling). this also tells me that your wife like that guy and has crush on him. 

you are not being jealous - and you need to be more clear - you to let her know no talking to this guy about none work related. if this doesn't happen you will notify HR. 

she is taking away from your time with your wife to him. if he feel insecure ....etc then he needs a therapist. 

I would check her phone history and dig deeper on deleted messages and other red flags. behavior changes and keep monitoring for long long time. 

sorry to let you know, yes your wife is 80% in emotional and possibly physical affair.

and come on, we are guys, we know these games - you should know your wife is playing that game and/or he is playing your wife


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm in doubt if my wife is having an emotional affair with a male co-worker.
> She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis which i saw. I didnt see the context. But i confronted her.
> ...


This whole thing will end bad for you!
First thing first, you need to get hold of the text between them (yes you need to snoop) to understand the depth of their relationship!


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are a little jealous but her interactions with this single guy are not good for your marriage. He's clearly on the prowl. If you were invited to whatever bar they're going to so he can pick up women that might be OK, assuming it was cool with you but just her & him, bad plan. 

Ask her to invite him to your house for dinner. Then you can sort of stare him down & mark your territory. be civil & gracious but make your actions & body language show you have your eye on him (& her). If she balks at putting you two together, you know you have a problem.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus, dude and you still have to ask if you're being jealous?

You are setting yourself for failure here. You have to give her an ultimatum: either you're with him or me. If you're with him, here is a copy of the divorce papers. Good luck with your so, called "I'm his wingman". Enough of that **** dude. 
You have to be ready to back up your demands, if you don't, then don't actually make them because she'll end up losing whatever respect she has for you, and will know that you're a weak dude. 

I would make it crystal clear to her that if this continues is over between you two.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Let me tell you something about wing women. 
I’ve had sex with a lot of them.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

It is already an affair and the poor insecure guy is going to get her panties off as soon as he can. It needs to stop now and it would probably be wise for her to stop working with him.


ETA: Not all jealousy is bad.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

This dude wants your wife. Your wife either knows this or is the most naive person in the history of the world.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife shouldn’t be a single guy’s “wing woman.” 

And this guy doesn’t sound that insecure. He’s clearly found a way to get your wife to respond.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Once your W is involved with the emotional well being of some man, it's an emotional affair. That's the very definition of one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your Mr Nice Guy routine won’t get you a thing.
We’re just friends is the biggest lie told here.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> She still talks a lot with the guy. He's trying to get her to help with online dating. Asking her what to write to his tinder matches. He's apparently very insecure, and doesn't cope well with rejection. He will get sad and emotionally affected if his matches doesn't respond.


This is what your wife conveyed to you, you don't know if it %100 true!
BTW (assuming your wife is telling the truth) players do these tricks/shows to lure married women into their net!
Find out what's going on by checking their text, if you find any thing there (or deleted!) you got your answer!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> ETA: Not all jealousy is bad.


What some call jealousy, is often appropriate mate guarding.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is not only a liar, she thinks you are the most gullible fool in the world. Sadly, she may be right.
So my advice is to go nuclear on your cheating wife. And saying, “honey, could you please stop dating the guy at work?” Is not classified as going nuclear. It’s acting like a weak puppy.

why don’t you pay a visit to the office and go look for the guy? See how whimpy and insecure he is? Or are you actually the insecure one who allows your wife to date other men?
Just asking.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

“She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis.” - That is what an emotional affair looks like. 

“He's asked my wife to be sort of his wingwoman, and join him on outings and/or speeddates for emotional support.” - They will dress up, go to where people looking to date go, and be chatting and drink with each other. That is what a date looks like. 

“The issue here however is, that she hasn't told him that the idea of her being a wingwoman is not happening.” - The issue here is that she does not want to tell him that she cannot date him any more.

“I've told her i'm not going to demand when she tells him, but made my feelings clear.” - That is what being weak looks like. There are time when you have a right to make demands. Demanding that she tell another man that she cannot date him is one of them.

“Am I being jealous ?” - No, but you are being gaslighted into thinking that you are.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

We've talked a lot.
She said I could read through her entire messagethread with him if I wanted.

She also told me that she planted the idea about having a wingwoman, but suggested two other female co-workers that he apparently also talks a lot with (my wife is not the going out type, and has for example never been drunk). He wanted my wife with him instead of either of the two others.
She promised me that she will not go.

I currently have no reason to believe she is lying. And since she says i can go through her phone to verify (i might get around to that), i could check if she's telling the truth.

She never hides her phone, and if I asked about it, she just answers me what they were talking about.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

THis will not lead to anything good. SHE is married -- let one of the OTHER female co-workers help him with Tinder/etc..
She should not be doing this.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Let me tell you something about wing women.
> I’ve had sex with a lot of them.


Yeah but....

None, were winged angels!


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

So she has not actually gone out with him to be his "wing woman"? If it looks like that's going to happen, invite yourself along. Get to know this guy. Offer to give him dude help with his online dating profile. You'll know pretty quickly if they're just friends or if there's something else going on, just based on how they react to your presence.

I know people on this board are super suspicious of cross-gender friendships, but I have guy friends at work as well as women friends. If I go out with any of them outside of work, they know my boyfriend is coming too, and they like him and he likes them. One of my guy friends is now better friends with my man than with me. 

Note: the heart emojis between friends seem weird to me, but some younger people are pretty free with the emojis.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PaChAn said:


> We've talked a lot.
> She said I could read through her entire messagethread with him if I wanted.
> 
> She also told me that she planted the idea about having a wingwoman, but suggested two other female co-workers that he apparently also talks a lot with (my wife is not the going out type, and has for example never been drunk). He wanted my wife with him instead of either of the two others.
> ...


What, she said is hopeful.

Hope, itself is frail, some of it a veil..... hiding the unpleasant truth.

Your wife may be innocent at this stage, the _faux shy_ dude, he is not.
He is very clever, his cologne is that veiled deceit.

It is your wife he wants, by hook, by crook, by her crotch.

Um, I smell these potted plots, these things.

She is willingly playing into his hands.
Ja, her phone is clean, her workplace communications, may not be.

Know that.

Beware, the smoke screen.


_Nemesis-_

Good Luck.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one, opposite sex friends add nothing to a marriage. And single opposite friends are a ticking time bomb. Your wife may be innocent and may be trying to genuinely help but as my hubby once said - there only one reason a guy texts a woman. It's like the male version of a damsel in distress, and damsels do nothing but hurt marriages.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

If your partner starts acting like it's not normal, then there's a problem.

What kind of connection does she have with this man, how long have they known each other?

What do they share enough to interfere with the man's private life and relationships?

How will you keep track of their time at work or when they travel?

In any case, it's not right for a married woman to pretend to be a man's sidekick to plan outings and bar meetings together.

If there is no problem on your part, we should not be rude.

I hope you're right about not being manipulated.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm in doubt if my wife is having an emotional affair with a male co-worker.
> She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis which i saw. I didnt see the context. But i confronted her.
> ...


This man is a dog sniffing around your lawn, he must be shut down. It is worrisome that your wife does not have the ingrained boundaries to have shut him down from the word go. You should definitely have a discussion with her about where your boundaries are and what you expect her boundaries to be and do not accept her pushing the boundaries even an inch after.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s so open with her phone? Tell her you’d like to trade phones for a day or two, or, get dr phone to recall deleted texts. I’ll bet she’d blow a gasket if you recovered deleted texts. There would be a 3 mile island nuclear meltdown.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s so open with her phone? Tell her you’d like to trade phones for a day or two, or, get dr phone to recall deleted texts. I’ll bet she’d blow a gasket if you recovered deleted texts. There would be a 3 mile island nuclear meltdown.


All communication is via facebook.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@PaChAn 

I think you have some chance of shutting this down if you meet this man. If your wife is really not interested in him she needs to do a better job of drawing & keeping boundaries but she's probably flattered by the attention which is a slippery slope . Right now you are an idea / concept to the guy. He needs to see that you are man ho loves his wife. Meet him Be gracious but make it clear that she's taken.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

PaChAn said:


> All communication is via facebook.


Maybe, but you do not know this.
She may be using some other application, some hidden email account.

What you do know is that they are very likely communicating by VOE, that ancient , _voice-over-eardrum_ means to transmit/receive words.

They likely talk at work, maybe a lot at lunch time?

This talk is difficult to track and to learn about.

Be careful you are not being played like a _honky-tonk_ piano.

This is still conjecture, how-so-ever, something, that nagging doubt, brought you to this blog, TAM.

Correct?

Eyes open, mouth shut.
Be that detective.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

PaChAn said:


> She said I could read through her entire messagethread with him if I wanted.


 Does that include the ones with the heart emojis that you reported? Does that include the ones she may have deleted? Take her up on this immediately. If there were inappropriate texts, it would be unlikely that she did not delete them, but if you act fast, you may catch something.



PaChAn said:


> She also told me that she planted the idea about having a wingwoman, but suggested two other female co-workers that he apparently also talks a lot with (my wife is not the going out type, and has for example never been drunk). He wanted my wife with him instead of either of the two others.
> She promised me that she will not go.


 He wants your wife to go out with him at night and not the 2 other women for a reason. Also, although she still is promising not to go, has she made this clear to him? If not why not? A married woman making it clear that she does not go out with other men is not too much for you to ask.



PaChAn said:


> since she says i can go through her phone to verify (i might get around to that), i could check if she's telling the truth.


 Since she could have easily deleted the inappropriate comments already, you cannot check to see if she it telling the truth.

The issue is not just what she has done. The issue is also what she has not done so that you do not feel entirely comfortable with the situation with this other man.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

PaChAn said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm in doubt if my wife is having an emotional affair with a male co-worker.
> She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis which i saw. I didnt see the context. But i confronted her.
> ...


Hell no. Your wife has crossed a boundary she should not have crossed. Eyes open..mouth shut! Get your evidence...bust her ass.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

PaChAn said:


> We've talked a lot.
> She said I could read through her entire messagethread with him if I wanted.
> 
> She also told me that she planted the idea about having a wingwoman, but suggested two other female co-workers that he apparently also talks a lot with (my wife is not the going out type, and has for example never been drunk). He wanted my wife with him instead of either of the two others.
> ...


Oh my! You have blinders on


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Keep doing what you are doing....displaying extreme weakness, and your wife will be doing the horizontal mambo dance with this guy. Wingman,,,,damn that’s a clever one.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Oh my! You have blinders on


It's safer for him


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Being the southern gentleman/asshole I am, this man and I would be having a little chat letting him know he is getting ready to have his ass kicked up between his shoulder blades.
But, that is just me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've been on one blind date in my life. That date was set up by a female "friend" of mine that was helping me "get back out there" after a bad break up. 

At the end of the night after the blind date I was in bed with the "friend" that set me up. 

Just say'n.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OP, do not try to take everyone’s advice. Take only what speaks to you. If some seem harsh, most have your best interest at heart, and they are only trying to wake your dormant mate guarding instincts up; common problem with some in what they think is a safe long term relationship.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The southern gentleman response to a guy coworker texting one’s wife after hours, asking her to go out with him and be his “wingman” and making it clear she’s the only woman worthy of wingman status: 

yeah. It’s not a pleasant conversation and a courteous request made not to ask the wife on dates.
It’s a command made in a harsh tone while wiping red stuff off knuckles. But few southern gentlemen exist these days. They are being zoned out and replaced with skinny-jeans and man-buns.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

PaChAn said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm in doubt if my wife is having an emotional affair with a male co-worker.
> She texts a lot with him. At one point it contained heart emojis which i saw. I didnt see the context. But i confronted her.
> ...


All the advice you have been given is probably spot on, but something in your writing makes me suspect your wife is bored and gets an emotional high from this, not necessarily in a cheating way, but much like the TAM members get from certain posts.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

How old is this guy? Is he in high school? Does he not have friends and parents?

Your wife's relationship with this man is way out of bounds because it's too personal. 

They are no longer just coworkers. The coworker status was contaminated by discussing his love life and giving him dating advice plus pointers on how best to pick up women on Tinder.

There is no reason for your wife to be involved in his love life. Particularly since he asked her on a date. Yes, going out with him as a wingman is code for him being interested in dating your wife.

Maybe the guy is delusional to think she's interested - but he does. Now she needs to shut him down and go zero contact outside of work. No more personal advice at any time.

Finally, the texts are not the entire conversation. What you miss is the face to face exchange at work, coffee break, and over lunch. The smiles, eye contact, laughter, and flirty suggestive language that's intentionally omitted from texts.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You both should read and discuss: Not Just Friends by dr shirley glass.

It will enable you both to discuss this guy intelligently with the information you both need to know.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her to end the “friendship”! 
if she defends the “friendship” then tell her to leave immediately - as if she is willing to be supportive to him over your marriage - it’s over anyway!
Hard line in the sand - she knows she shouldn’t be communicating with him if it makes you uncomfortable.

he’s not a friend of the marriage. Trust your gut!


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Maybe, but you do not know this.
> She may be using some other application, some hidden email account.
> 
> What you do know is that they are very likely communicating by VOE, that ancient , _voice-over-eardrum_ means to transmit/receive words.
> ...


True. I can't know for sure.
I can however inspect all internet traffic at home. So if something is over wifi, i know what it is (not the content though).
But, currently i don't think it's a lie about facebook only.
They do naturally talk at work. And i can't know what that is. She does primarily work from home though


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Robert22205 said:


> How old is this guy? Is he in high school? Does he not have friends and parents?
> 
> Your wife's relationship with this man is way out of bounds because it's too personal.
> 
> ...


I think he is around 30-35. We are both 30.
And I have no idea about how many friends he has.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> I think he is around 30-35. We are both 30.
> And I have no idea about how many friends he has.


A 30-35 yo single male who wants your wife, a married woman as wingman, just NO. I was single at that age, I was fully capable of picking up woman solo. I did sometimes use ploys to get to spend some time with a more reticent woman, but most of them knew it was a ploy, but they felt more comfortable having plausible deniability. Your wife knows the wing-woman story is nothing but a ploy to go on a date.

Were I you I would be thoroughly peeved that she didn't shut him down and cut contact the moment he crossed that line. Eyes and ears open, mouth shut and watch everything that transpires between your wife and this man. He's putting the moves on her and she's nibbling.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Chaotic said:


> So she has not actually gone out with him to be his "wing woman"? If it looks like that's going to happen, invite yourself along. Get to know this guy. Offer to give him dude help with his online dating profile. You'll know pretty quickly if they're just friends or if there's something else going on, just based on how they react to your presence.
> 
> I know people on this board are super suspicious of cross-gender friendships, but I have guy friends at work as well as women friends. If I go out with any of them outside of work, they know my boyfriend is coming too, and they like him and he likes them. One of my guy friends is now better friends with my man than with me.
> 
> Note: the heart emojis between friends seem weird to me, but some younger people are pretty free with the emojis.


No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.

She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes. 

Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

What would probably happen at the bar is her friend not having much success, laughing together about his terrible prospects, then telling your wife how much better she is etc…

Maybe she is not cheating yet, but she puts way too much energy on her "friendship" as opposed to your marriage.

You have to set clear boundaries and she needs boundaries as well. *Read her text*, stuff might be deleted but you would get the idea of what this guy is doing. "Not just friend" book is a great idea. With her behaviour, she is not defending your marriage… why? She enjoys the attention?

Get an account of the history of their "friendship". Did he, say, kiss her on the cheek once for example? Does he give her lots of compliments?

You love your wife,but, ultimately, you have to decide what you will accept and what you will not, that’s the key to your happiness


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PaChAn He does not need a married woman to help him, he needs a therapist.

He should not be pulling this type of trick at work. Human Resources/Personnel need to be informed because he risks causing all sort of workplace issues with his shenanigans and his bad behaviour.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

PaChAn said:


> No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.
> 
> She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.
> 
> ...


“Talks” rarely if ever solve these kinds of problems. It just drives things underground.
If your talk was taken seriously, she would have broken all contact. 
Example: She’s gonna stop the heart emojis. Lol. The emoji may not be there, but the emotion still is. 

people love attention. They love the feeling of being put on a pedestal. They love getting attention that others don’t get and feeling “special”. And they’ve already gotten all that from their spouse. The spouse can never compete with that crap because they know you’re hooked and they can have your attention anytime. Your wife clearly can’t let go of it, and will be lured back in by this guy.

Be prepared to be labeled as insecure and controlling. Then she will start dressing up for work better, working out, having lost time. Later, when you get the ILYBINILWY speech, you’ll know you can move on. 

originally posted by “F-102” here on TAM. It’s pure genius and applies to most emotional affairs and how affairs start in general:

Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"

Here's the unabridged version:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted 
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I'll tell you the relationship is deeper than you think and manipulated

Your wife knows how to control you.

She's covered everything she's done and you think a grown woman would go through all this without realizing it, with no experience or idea about relationships.

The best lie is the one you tell yourself.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

PaChAn said:


> No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.
> 
> She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.
> 
> ...


You say the texting has slowed down and she doesn’t respond as quickly, well that means nothing because she is still responding to this clown. She could totally shut this down if she wanted to, she doesn’t, there lies the problem.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Captain Obvious said:


> You say the texting has slowed down and she doesn’t respond as quickly, well that means nothing because she is still responding to this clown. She could totally shut this down if she wanted to, she doesn’t, there lies the problem.


Texting having slowed down is not communications is shut-down. It means jack-S! If you don't kill this thing now with FIRM boundaries, I'm looking forward to your thread titled: "My wife is cheating on me with a co-worker she told me she wanted to be a wing-woman for."


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> Plus, it seems that i've managed to bring my wife in doubt of his intention. Before she insisted that he has no interest in her, but after out talk, she's not certain.
> It also seems that the texting might have slowed down, and i've noticed she doesn't respond very quickly to him after our talk.


Just keep your eyes open, and nip it in the bud!
Text slowing down could be for various reasons, one could be because you talked to her and now she is more aware!
OR it slowed down because: *Oh crap... he's on to me, I better be careful and watch out/hide tracks!*

Keep your eyes open!


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

She shut down the whole wing woman thing today


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

PaChAn said:


> She shut down the whole wing woman thing today


Oh yeah? How? That’s actually good news


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @PaChAn He does not need a married woman to help him, he needs a therapist.
> 
> He should not be pulling this type of trick at work. Human Resources/Personnel need to be informed because he risks causing all sort of workplace issues with his shenanigans and his bad behaviour.


Yes, but only if he continues these shenanigans.

I doubt that HR would get involved, just yet.

And likely, only after our OP's wife said her coworker is (somehow) harassing her.
Making her uncomfortable.

She would be directed to tell the bloke not to talk to her about anything personal.
Keep it to business related talk, only.

If he then continued, the company would take action.

Being a snitch is a last ditch effort.
It would look bad on her, at this point.

Getting along with others is highly valued in corporations.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Oh yeah? How? That’s actually good news


She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
And she said that is not happening with her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m so shocked he’s ready to go to plan b (which was always his plan A— to have a date with your wife)…..
Surely even your wife sees now what a loser this guy is to go to this kind of childish scheme to get her out. My question is: how could she not see this for what it is from the getgo.

discussing relationships, etc., with a man at work— totally inappropriate. Being hus wingman? Laughable.

And super disrespectful to you and I’m my opinion, visit worthy. But your wife sho you d have never let this get to this point.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

PaChAn said:


> She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
> And she said that is not happening with her.


God that guy is such a tool. I would show up at their work and just look him right in the eyes and say “So you’re the guy that can’t get any women and wants to date my wife” in front of the whole office just to see his reaction. What a scumbag.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

You don't ask a fish how to catch a fish. 

Your wife should be your wingman not his.

Nothing good will come from this situation. If you would like to remedy it then swift and ruthless action is required on your part.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

PaChAn said:


> No. She hasn't been out with him to be his wing woman. And promised it's not happening.
> 
> She also told me she would stop the heart emojis, but also assured me that's just how she writes.
> 
> ...


This slow down just means they have taken their affair underground and out of your immediate sight. They are both aware you suspect something.

Should you believe anything your wife tells you if you are not able to verify on your own - NO. Cheaters lie.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> This slow down just means they have taken their affair underground and out of your immediate sight. They are both aware you suspect something.
> 
> Should you believe anything your wife tells you if you are not able to verify on your own - NO. Cheaters lie.


I feel confident she's not lying to me.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> I feel confident she's not lying to me.


Your gut was screaming hard enough that something was amiss that you felt you had to post here. Complacency and false confidence in the wake of a confrontation of this nature has been the downfall of many a man. Do yourself a favor, trust, but verify. There was definitely smoke and you might have poured water before the fire really ignited, but if you missed even one ember and turn your back in complacency, the whole house may burn down while you are patting yourself on the back for having doused the smoking pile.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Your gut was screaming hard enough that something was amiss that you felt you had to post here. Complacency and false confidence in the wake of a confrontation of this nature has been the downfall of many a man. Do yourself a favor, trust, but verify. There was definitely smoke and you might have poured water before the fire really ignited, but if you missed even one ember and turn your back in complacency, the whole house may burn down while you are patting yourself on the back for having doused the smoking pile.


She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked. 
What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why did she let this go so far?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

PaChAn said:


> She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
> What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.


The fact remains that he was sniffing around your wife and she had to have a talking to before she set boundaries. Those boundaries must now include, no texting or talking outside of work (they must loose each other's numbers and social media contacts) and no banter with each other in the workplace.

Personally, if someone was sniffing around my wife in a similar manner, things would end up a bit more messy for him and my wife would have been on a leash no longer than my sneaker laces for not having had valid boundaries in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

PaChAn said:


> She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
> What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.


Ok but keep in mind she WANTED to go out with him and spend time with him and do things with him.

There is a 98.7% chance that this was all just an excuse and cover story for them to spend time together and go out together.

And on the 1.3% chance that she actually was looking at this as a means to help him picking up chicks, that means that they were spending time together discussing very personal and romantically and sexually oriented topics.

And she was likely telling how to dress and how to do his hair and how to act in a manner that SHE FINDS ATTRACTIVE.

I am speaking from first hand personal experience here. 

I have ended up in bed with a number of women that were either setting me up on a blind date as I mentioned earlier, however there were also a couple WW’s that were getting with me under the guise of helping me get back out there after a break up or during a dry spell.

They were buying me clothes that THEY LIKED, and doing my hair the way THEY LIKED and we went to bars and restaurants etc that THEY LIKED and at the end of the night, I was in bed with THEM. 

This is all smoke and mirrors and you are being duped.

This is all about them and this is the story they came up with to talk to each all the time and to get together and go out together and develop THEIR relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

…. And this isn’t anything new or cutting edge. There are lots of rom com movies and chick flicks where the hot chick is helping the nerdy guy get some game and once she has him looking the way she likes and acting the way she likes, at the end of the day it is she that is climbing on top of him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How many stories on TAM wind up as tales of horror when the OP says “I trust her” or “I believe her” or “I can tell when she’s lying snd she’s not”.????

It’s almost an omen. Cue horror show dread music…. Dum dum duuuummmm


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

PaChAn said:


> She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
> What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.


Well there you have it. That is some proof he had designs on your wife Now that her eyes have been opened to what a threat this guy is to your marriage hopefully she won't fall pray to something like this again


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

PaChAn, 

I don't know if this has been established, but is your W attractive, nice personality, sexy, etc?

He's already established that he is available to your W, now he just has to wait for your W and you to get into a major fight etc. He has also established that he is looking for a good woman and there's a good chance your W intuits that it's a woman like herself.

The sad sack man with problems routine is a classic way to pick up women, it often gets women feel sorry for the unlucky misunderstood man. OM like this joker will often play a long game create a connection and see if it ever blossoms.

His story about not having luck with women may be true in the sense that he just uses them and dumps them.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don’t they have the ability to communicate in person at lunch or on break? Most affairs take place on lunch breaks. You should make sure that she doesn’t have a burner phone. She went from being excited about “helping” a grown man get a woman to dialing it back. Did something go down that caused this turn of events or is she feigning to throw you off.

It’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her. This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

PaChAn said:


> She told me that he didnt think his online dating thing is working (after like a month), so he wanted to go to plan b, which was the wing woman thing.
> And she said that is not happening with her.


 This other man ("OM") could not have made his intents on your wife any clearer. He is pursuing your wife and using the "just friends" excuse as his cover for getting her out on what would be for all intent and purpose a date. Although they have for now dropped communicating via channels that you are aware of, he still works with her and can use other channels that you are not aware of.

Your wife must be told in no uncertain terms what this guy's intentions on her are. Remember that in protecting your marriage you do not need to prove anything, just the reasonable possibility that that this guy intents may be bad is enough to ask her to take action to protect the marriage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

PaChAn said:


> I feel confident she's not lying to me.


Assuming that you are right, she should not play with fire. People cannot always stop themselves from developing feelings, if they allow themselves to be perused by someone.


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Don’t they have the ability to communicate in person at lunch or on break? Most affairs take place on lunch breaks. You should make sure that she doesn’t have a burner phone. She went from being excited about “helping” a grown man get a woman to dialing it back. Did something go down that caused this turn of events or is she feigning to throw you off.
> 
> It’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her. This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.


Yes. They do. 
She's mostly working from home. 
She doesn't have a burner phone, we have pretty open access to see how we spend our money


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## PaChAn (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why did she let this go so far?


Good question


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better set firm boundaries. And I mean firm.
Like you are free to do what you like but not as my wife. I’ll not be a marriage warden.
From what I’ve seen too many don’t want to seem controlling. It’s not about control. This is your marriage and that means just you and your wife.
If she brings someone into close proximity then she’s not protecting her marriage. It’s a slippery slope and if you walk on the ledge you’re apt to fall off. People who value their marriage don’t go near the edge.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

PaChAn said:


> Good question


Perhaps you should find out so she knows you will not accept the unacceptable. You probably may not want her to feel uncomfortable but that’s better than you living on edge became of her actions.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

PaChAn said:


> She told him directly what the boundaries are, after we talked.
> What i've noticed today is that he didn't write to her at all. And i know this, since i've spend the entire day with my wife.


Your wife is in the drivers seat of this situation.

Do you know what exactly she told him word for word? If the answer is no she could have told him to temporarily restrict direct communication with her until you are complacent.

Your wife is the one that likely initiated the pursuit under the guise of offering him assistance. Why would she do this? oldshirt has already given you the answer.

_"And she was likely telling how to dress and how to do his hair and how to act in a manner that SHE FINDS ATTRACTIVE."

"I have ended up in bed with a number of women that were either setting me up on a blind date as I mentioned earlier, however there were also a couple WW’s that were getting with me under the guise of helping me get back out there after a break up or during a dry spell._"

_"They were buying me clothes that THEY LIKED, and doing my hair the way THEY LIKED and we went to bars and restaurants etc that THEY LIKED and at the end of the night, I was in bed with THEM."_

This has been my experience as well.

*If a woman is interested in a man she will not only make herself available she will actively initiate. She will do favors, buy gifts, offer to go out with him and spend time together,* *talk about sex. A woman will not discuss sex with any man she finds unattractive. A woman will introduce the topic of sex with a man she would like to bed. *

Have you been able to verify what specifically they have discussed? Of course not. You remain in the dark and are relying only on what she has told you.

If this coworker is so inept at approaching women and getting a date how exactly did he find the courage to approach your wife and ask for her assistance? * Answer - He didn't. Your wife approached him and offered to help. *

A woman will not invest time and energy into a man to make him attractive so that another woman can benefit romantically. A woman invests her time and energy in such a venture with the intention that *she* will benefit.

This situation is far from over. Boundaries, if there actually are any, can be side stepped. Do not ignore what is in front of you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> *t’s too soon to be talking about how you trust her.* This guy was obviously pursuing your wife and your wife went along with the ploy because she was into him. let’s now play the “ she’s naive woman falling for the cunning player “. Women know when we want them.





Marc878 said:


> Like you are free to do what you like but not as my wife.* I’ll not be a marriage warden.*


She has already proven she isn't trustworthy. And the whole mess is still in place to progress to full-on physical at first opportunity. Nothing has really changed. Why would a man want to live with a woman he has to monitor all of the time to be sure she isn't banging someone else? If the wife has that sort of relationship at work, for sure the other guys on the job are fully aware she is available under the right circumstances. 

It is on HER to fix this mess and first step is getting work elsewhere. She soiled the nest at the present job by her own actions, nothing OP did. She chose that route. What in h3ll does her job have to do with helping a guy at the job get dates?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Good point above: a woman doesn’t discuss such things with a man she’s not attracted to.
Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Seems too easy of a fix. They still work together.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@marko polo is right. It’s too soon to let her off the hook with talk of trusting her. It sounds like this was a mutual pursuit. Like @oldshirt , I too had girls trying to hook me up with a friend. At the time, I was clueless on that the friend was into me. I was so focused on the girl she was trying to get me with that I overlooked the signs. Just like OS experienced, I did end up hooking up with that girl. Difference is we were high schoolers. Your wife is 30 years old and should have your best interest but instead she’s allowed her husband to feel insecure about their marriage.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Your wife has spent enough time developing a relationship like this.

will not withdraw until it has received what it wants (if it has not received it by now).

warned the man that their relationship was attracting the attention of her husband.

she needs to convince her husband that she has done nothing wrong.

The man has stopped messaging her for now.

You should consider offering a polygraph.

How far has the relationship progressed?

Is the relationship still going?


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