# I really don't know what to do...



## trish_n_s (Apr 30, 2008)

I don't know where to begin...I've been married for 4 years in June. I have one son who is 5 months old. 
I don't know if my marriage is over or not. I know marriage isn't easy, I know there will be arguments and disagreements but it feels like they never end. 
I found out when I was 8 months pregnant that my husband of 3 years was addicted to porn. Here I am, HUGE and I found stuff on his computer. After talking to him I found out his addiction has been around since before we were married! So now I'm wondering who I'm married to. It has really affected me. I know I'm not attractive anymore my body has gone through so much having a 9 pound baby c-section. 
I have this beautiful baby and I want the best for him. I know my husband is trying to change but he can be the biggest, most selfish jerk ever!
We argue about everything now. We'll try and compromise on what we're arguing about but in the end he won't stick to his end of the bargain. I'm really unhappy most of the time and find myself at my parents house rather then here. When I am here and we are on good terms and talking one little thing will set him off. Then all the meanness comes out: "why do you always have to nag me! do you ever stop talking?? seriously, i don't want to talk to you" I do not deserve that treatment. I don't trust a lot of the things he says anymore. It's hard to believe anything he tells me. Is there anyway to get that trust back?
I don't even know if I'm in the right place for all this. I really don't know what to do...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Trish 

I wish there was more help I could offer. If you’ve looked at my posts in the past you’ll know I have some strong opinions about porn and the negative effects it can have on a relationship. I won’t go into my standard rant here other than to say if your husband truly loves and respects you he will work to stop this habit. I am not of the mind that it is an addiction. It may be difficult for him to stop but if it hurts you and your marriage it should stop. 

When people are in such a confused state as you seem to be, it is hard to know what to say other than to find hope and strength in yourself, those around you and in God. Having a beautiful new child in your life is a wonderful thing. But a new baby brings stress, anxiety and sleeplessness. These things can exacerbate the other things in your life and things can get so difficult to get your arms around. 

Obviously if your husband is this mean to you the two of you need to seek counsel to see what some of the underlying issues might be. He has no right to speak to you in this manner and has shown a severe lack of empathy for you. He is unwilling to communicate with you so the two of you may need some help from someone trained to help people in difficult relationships. If he resists then seek counsel on your own.

You are in the right place here. At least to start. If nothing else then to see there are others out here who are in troubled marriages trying to regain what they had. Also to try and offer advice based on their own experiences. And it gives you a chance to vent which we all need on occasion. Please offer us more information if you are comfortable to see if we can find some small advice that helps. In the meantime, love that little one and be the best mother you can be. Have faith in yourself and continue to look for help and support in all of this. Bless


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

trish_n_s said:


> I don't know if my marriage is over or not. I know marriage isn't easy, I know there will be arguments and disagreements but it feels like they never end.


*This is never a good sign, a marriage should not be about fighting with one another but fighting together against the world. Everyone given enough time will disagree but a marriage needs to be more then friendship, but have that in the mix too.*


> I found out when I was 8 months pregnant that my husband of 3 years was addicted to porn. Here I am, HUGE and I found stuff on his computer. After talking to him I found out his addiction has been around since before we were married!


*This isn't that unusual however you have to decide what you can live with and if you can't deal with the porn he needs to decide if he can live without it for you.*


> So now I'm wondering who I'm married to.


*You are married to the same guy you just know more now then you did before.*


> It has really affected me. I know I'm not attractive anymore my body has gone through so much having a 9 pound baby c-section.


huh? you just put your body through heck and back, for yourself and him. He needs to respect the entire picture, here and you need to be more forgiving of yourself. After my second child with my wife she gained 30 pounds but got that after baby glow to her AND SHE WAS MORE BEAUTIFL THEN AT HER PERFECT WEIGHT. since we had an another child she has lost that weight and kept that glow (even better.)


> I have this beautiful baby and I want the best for him. I know my husband is trying to change but he can be the biggest, most selfish jerk ever!
> We argue about everything now.


*This isn't healthy for the baby*


> We'll try and compromise on what we're arguing about but in the end he won't stick to his end of the bargain. I'm really unhappy most of the time and find myself at my parents house rather then here. When I am here and we are on good terms and talking one little thing will set him off. Then all the meanness comes out: "why do you always have to nag me! do you ever stop talking?? seriously, i don't want to talk to you" I do not deserve that treatment. I don't trust a lot of the things he says anymore.


I think you already know where this is going.


> It's hard to believe anything he tells me. Is there anyway to get that trust back?
> I don't even know if I'm in the right place for all this. I really don't know what to do...


Communication....You need to tell him what you need from him and let him know that at this point it is make it or break it. That you can't live like this and will not be treated this way anymore and that it is unhealthy to have your child raised this way.

draconis


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Have you always considered him a selfish jerk, or has your opinion changed since you found out about the porn? How much of your feelings are related to the porn? Would you feel this way still if he stopped the porn tomorrow?


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## trish_n_s (Apr 30, 2008)

I didn't always think he was a jerk, other wise I wouldn't have married him. I'll admit we had a rough first year of marriage and it had it's ups and downs. When I found out about his porn addiction I realized we were getting along because he wasn't actively looking at porn. When he was looking at porn we weren't getting along. He's been really honest with me about the whole addiction thing. He hasn't done anything for about 6 months now. It still seems like he gets really angry at me. He's really stubborn and it seems like he doesn't want to change anything. He wants me to change everything for him but he won't compromise with me... I went to my parents for the weekend with my son. I told him before hand I was going to go and he didn't even care. It sometimes seems like it'd be easier to live my life without him. He doesn't seem to want me around anyways.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Interesting, I really do not think Porn is the issue. I ahve a huge folder of Porn, women in Bikini's etc on my PC in folder. I ahve it hidden from my children in a secure folder "password protected" But my wife knows it's there. I also have been getting Playboy for YEARS, actually my wife bought the subscription for me for Christmas, even got a bonus video! I have porn, plenty of it. But I am not 'addicted to it" I watch it when I am home alone or with my wife sometimes. I even take hot sexy pics of my wife with our digital camera and I have a HUGE folder of pics of just her in various outfits, She likes to pose for me, because she knows I am visual, it turns her on knowing that I get Turned on by viewing her pictures.

I just really do not see anything wrong with porn. I have no interest in other women, I only wish to have sex with my wife, plus porn is so unrealistic that it's almost laughable, no man can last that long. It's called Splicing scenes.

Anyway, I think you have bigeer issues, What they are I have no Idea, but it seems the porn was your "trigger" and your using that as your excuse.

What is the real issue? Why do you not like your husband? Do you have post pardom depression? Did you argue before your son was born or Pregnant, your hormones change with pregancy and do not always go back to normal, maybe a year after words...Are you nursing? My wife nurse each of our kids for a year each (3 kids)

You guys really need to talk this out, civilly, he is getting frustrated because he wants to be with you and please you, but it seems he can do nothing right in your eyes.

Everyman views porn in some way, it's our nature. You husband can be A LOT worse of a person, A drunk, an Abuser, A drug Addict, A crimminal, A cheater, A closet homosexual, Whatever.....

think about it. Work it out. Seek counseling if you need to.

But it sounds to me like your hormones got the best of you, I been through three pregancies with my wife...I've been through some weird stuff with her, But I always loved her, and she always loved me, so we worked through both our issues. I am not perfect either.

I like naked women....She bacame my model, I like Porn, We made home made porn together, Which I RATHER watch then the professionals, because my wife is Georgous and I love everything about her. I is also thrillinng to her, that I "drool" over her, even after being together 18 years.


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## trish_n_s (Apr 30, 2008)

I think the porn has a lot to do with it but there are other things. Me and my husband are mormon so it is against our religion to look at porn. My husband was addicted to it. He couldn't go a day without looking at it and masturbating to it. For about 2 years of our marriage I wondered if there was something wrong with me because he never wanted to be sexual with me. He wasn't honest with me about it either. He lied to me for 4 years! I had to find out about it and I wasn't even snooping. He happened to leave something open on his computer so I confronted him about it.

I know there are a lot more other things too. I really am trying to be open minded about them but I really don't know how to react to them. I told him we needed to see a counselor and he agreed. I was talking to him tonight telling him how happy I was that he agreed to go. I said, I really hope we can talk through our differences we'll both be so much happier. He didn't say anything...so I just asked how he felt about it all. He says, I don't care, I'd be happy if all you'd do is stop complaining all the time. You're really annoying. How am I supposto react to that?? I said, that makes me feel really sad that you think I"m annoying. He replied, it's not my fault, I can't MAKE you feel sad, you can choose how you react to what I say.

I just really hope this counseling works. I am really looking forward to having him talk to me. I'm really interested to know what is it I do that makes him so annoyed with me.

I know it takes two people and I'm trying to change what I know he doesn't like about me but it's really frustrating when he doesn't care about my concerns too. It's been about 1 week since we talked about our concerns, dislikes and likes and I haven't nagged, cleaned, left our son with him, spent money or complained. I haven't seen a change in him I'm hoping it comes really soon because I don't know how much longer I can stand it. 

Sorry so long, I just have a lot on my mind right now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

When do you go for your first counciling session?

draconis


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