# I was warned--She is still on Facebook



## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

A few months back I posted about my wife's contact with another man from her past. I believed her and trusted her when she said contact had stopped. She lied, just as many here said.

I am now completely 100% convinced that she will NEVER be faithful to me. But it is still very confusing. I don't understand why she would throw it all away for a guy she dated 25 years ago. 
As I understand he dumped her for someone else. I guess he is her true love. I would say with 99% certainty they will never be together, or at least not down the road a couple of years, because he would never marry her, and I think she knows this. But why throw it all away, meaning our marriage. 

I will never understand all of this. But my question is this.

1. This is very difficult and I hate going through this.
2. Our kids will be devastated.
3. I am devastated but also not, like this was expected.
4. My wife claims she is devastated by my subsequent lack of regard for our marriage.

So my question is this. While this is very difficult, why am I OK with everything on some level? Am I going to crash later, in a complete pile of devastation? Has anyone ever gone through something like this and been OK? I mean I am bad, sad, angry, and all of that but at the same time OK. 

I am not longer wearing my wedding ring and it feels good. I imagine going places with my kinds and not my wife and it seems good. Unlike my wife, I have NEVER had ANY other person in my life, no old flames on Facebook, absolutely nothing. I have no one in my life now other than my kids.

Could it be that knowing and/or suspecting my wife's feelings for another man for so many years has caused me to already adjust to not being with her? 

Has anyone else experienced this? Like you are getting divorced after many years and you don't care? I worry one day I will crash, this really concerns me. Because now, while it is hard, I think I feel too good.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Then its time to file and show the consequences of cheating. I read your other thread. She's been in contact with her true love off and on your WHOLE marriage. This means your WHOLE MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A LIE. 

You were only the back up plan because her true love married someone else. Obviously OM is married as you said so. Find out the details of the OMW and expose the affair to her. Watch how fast OM throws your WW under the bus.

After DDay, your WW simply took her affair underground by using her work email. You mentioned that you asked her if she would like a three way between you, her, and another man and she got all excited about that. This may NOT be the only affair she has going on.

Time to file for D. Man up now and respect yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> 4. My wife claims she is devastated by my subsequent lack of regard for our marriage.


She's devastated about what again? This sounds like her blame shifting and fog speak.

So she's on FB - do you have a keylogger to know what she's saying to him?

have you confronted yet?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think you feel this way because you have 1. recognized you will never trust her again and made peace with that and 2. you realize she is not the one for you. That you don't want her as she is anymore. You have accepted the reality for what it is and are ok with it.

Yes you will probably crash into a pile of devastation since going through a divorce is traumatic, but you are also going to experience a whole range of emotions you have never felt before. It's normal. 

People have gone through and been ok. There are tons of us on this site. You are not alone. You will come out ok, no matter how your story ends. Life...goes on.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She's devastated about what again? This sounds like her blame shifting and fog speak.
> 
> So she's on FB - do you have a keylogger to know what she's saying to him?
> 
> have you confronted yet?



She claims she is devastated by my lack of interest in the marriage, taking off my ring, not being involved with her, and the idea we are getting divorced. 

Yes, I have read some of the email with him. She claimed that he comforted her when she was having difficult times. She said he was a friend when she needed a friend and claimed that is all there was.

Yes, I have fully confronted her. She closed her Facebook and gave me all passwords. But this is too late, she broke her very last promise and will not get another chance. 

So why do you think I am OK on some level with all of this?


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think you feel this way because you have 1. recognized you will never trust her again and made peace with that and 2. you realize she is not the one for you. That you don't want her as she is anymore. You have accepted the reality for what it is and are ok with it.
> 
> Yes you will probably crash into a pile of devastation since going through a divorce is traumatic, but you are also going to experience a whole range of emotions you have never felt before. It's normal.
> 
> People have gone through and been ok. There are tons of us on this site. You are not alone. You will come out ok, no matter how your story ends. Life...goes on.


Thank you! I must be prepared for some difficulties beyond what I am experiencing now. But I do hope I have accepted this on somewhat of the same level that I feel I have now, meaning that I actually feel OK.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File and be done with it. She will never be capable of loving you because she has no sense of responsibility. Only responsible people have a shot at a successful marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then its time to file and show the consequences of cheating. I read your other thread. She's been in contact with her true love off and on your WHOLE marriage. This means your WHOLE MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A LIE.
> 
> This may NOT be the only affair she has going on.
> 
> Time to file for D. Man up now and respect yourself.


Thank you! I agree with all you say.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Is there any method or trick that a person can employ to fully access a spouses FB profile without having knowledge of their password? If so, please enlighten us!



Check to see if there is a Facebook app on the persons phone. I got a notification she starting using a mobile app. The password was stored on the phone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Hang in there, Dave! I'm going through just about the same thing you have. I'm still wearing the wedding band, though. I just really don't feel like I should take it off until the divorce is declared final.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> A few months back I posted about my wife's contact with another man from her past. I believed her and trusted her when she said contact had stopped. She lied, just as many here said.
> 
> I am now completely 100% convinced that she will NEVER be faithful to me.


Your emotions are asking "Why", "How" could she do this to you and your marriage.

Your logical mind, deep down, has accepted that you can never trust her again and has accepted the fact that, without trust, there is no marriage.

Emotionally you are still trying to understand how and why, while logically you have accepted the truth and are already moving on without her. That is why you are OK. There will be times when your emotions surge and you will be hammered. But, when that happens, remember that it was her who had the affair, it was her who promised it was over and went underground, it was her who lied, it was her who brought OM into your marriage, it was her who cheated again and again, it was her who showed no respect for you as a person and husband, it was her who left the marriage for some fantasy.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> Thank you! I must be prepared for some difficulties beyond what I am experiencing now. But I do hope I have accepted this on somewhat of the same level that I feel I have now, meaning that I actually feel OK.


You may have let her go a long time ago and you're just now realizing it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Is there any method or trick that a person can employ to fully access a spouses FB profile without having knowledge of their password? If so, please enlighten us!



keylogger for computer

for mobile it will be more difficult- if you have an android I heard there is a "sniffer" app that allows you to see what is going on if she uses the network


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

She already had her second chance. Time to find someone you can give your trust to.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

TooNiceDave said:


> She claims she is devastated by my lack of interest in the marriage, taking off my ring, not being involved with her, and the idea we are getting divorced.
> 
> Yes, I have read some of the email with him. She claimed that he comforted her when she was having difficult times. She said he was a friend when she needed a friend and claimed that is all there was.
> 
> ...


Hi Dave sorry you are here It sounds like you have already mourned your relationship to me. Maybe you have known all along you were the back up plan as others have mentioned I agree I would file close all joint accts open a bank acct with just your name on it close joint credit card accts and contact a atty. I feel that life is too short to be with someone who thinks of you as second prize. I mean if i was in this situation I would ask myself who I am to stand in the way of "true love" if you know what I mean I feel their are too many other decent females with whom I could have a loving caring relationship with. just my opinion..

Good Luck


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Time to walk away, Dave...don't bother snooping anymore, you already know all you need to know. File.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> Question: If one were actually successful in getting into a WS Facebook or email account, would that spouse have any actual way of knowing that their account had been compromised? Was just wondering!


My thinking was--who cares? I don't care if she knows. What would she do...divorce me! Go for it i say! 

But from my experience the only way she would know is if new updates were on the phone after the time she signed on last. 

But again in my situation--who the he!l cares! I sure don't. Best of luck to her and her new man. Her new man that has about 10 better looking (than my wife) single women on his Facebook and doesn't have/like/want kids. Best of luck to her!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's the spirit!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

It is sooo sad to hear that you were the second choice of your wife for the entire period of your marriage. If he came any time between, she might have left you for him. toooo sad , 

File for D, there is nothing left wit her, as you have given her a chance to prove otherwise.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Thank you for all the comments.

Yes, that's me, TOO NICE Dave, the back up plan! 

It's sad but somehow not, I think people can understand what I mean by that.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Dave, I agree with the other posters. It's time to move on. She doesn't deserve you


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Please start a thread in the divorce section and let us know how it goes!


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Dave,
I'm going through a lot of the same emotions as you. I'm too nice also. Not always a bad thing, but there are people that will take advantage of that. It's especially hurtful when it's your spouse. I've taken off my ring, and it has felt good. I am feeling so many emotions, but have only cried once for about 5 minutes the first time he hugged me after I found out. I wonder if I am just "over it" too. It seems like our whole relationship has been lies.

I don't have a lot of advice for you since I'm stuck in the same place, but I wanted to let you know I admire your strength. If you know you will never be able to trust her again, you will be living this h*** for the rest of your life if you choose to stay. You probably will have some moments where you break down if you D, but at least you won't live those every day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dave: You don't deserve to play second-fiddle to some worn-out flame of your STBXW. Like me, it's time for you to get out of there or send her packing her bags. And if you have minor kids, you keep them, raise them, and cherish them. After all, they are truly a gift from God, and He would rest much easier knowing that they're being brought up by someone of your moral fiber. And as the Scriptures dictate, find it in your heart to forgive her, but you don't have to put one scintilla of trust in her; after all, she's made her bed!

Best of luck to you my friend, and don't ever be a stranger. We truly care about you!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The only situation worse than being married to somebody you don't want to live with is living with somebody who doesn't want to be with you.
Don't look back.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Everything has a silver lining right Dave?

Bad News = Divorce

Good News = 1,000 + thongs to check out !!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

At least one time ask her, "Do you have any idea how many wonderful women there are out there looking for a really good man like me?"


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Dave,

It's ok to be excited about moving on. You've been this woman's plan B your entire marriage. You're excited about the prospect of being someone's Plan A.

Just whatever you do, do not get into a new relationship without first coming to terms to what got you to where you are in the first place. Take an honest assessment of yourself and your personality, so you can avoid those same mistakes in the future.

Namely, don't rush into things, and don't tolerate second best from a woman.

You respect yourself at all times, and you'll find the right girl.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks to everyone for the comments and support. 

I will post more as this unfolds. 

Right now she is so uptight and scared to death about being one of the divorced women that are so common at her work. She should have thought of that before.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Right now she is so uptight and scared to death about being one of the divorced women that are so common at her work.



Watch what happens when you have her served.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

TooNiceDave said:


> She claims she is devastated by my lack of interest in the marriage, taking off my ring, not being involved with her, and the idea we are getting divorced.
> 
> Yes, I have read some of the email with him. She claimed that he comforted her when she was having difficult times. She said he was a friend when she needed a friend and claimed that is all there was.
> 
> ...



Its called acceptance. You see her for who she is, you are getting past caring about her. Its good to detach from her. You understand who she is and that you deserve more. Congratulation its called self respect.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sad thing is, she has lived in a fantasy world for the last 20 years. When you leave her, she'll wake up from her fantasy and realize to her horror what she has thrown away.

Sounds like she's starting to wake up, but getting served divorce papers is the douse of cold water that will shock her out of her fog and into reality; but you will be gone by that point.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife pushed you to the limit---and you are just about there

She probably still doesn't think you will go thru with the D---so she continues on with her A.

Go on line to your state's legal website---and print out the Divorce packet, and if Custody is involved, print out the Custody packet.

Place them in the house where she has to see/find them------you will get a change in attitude right then and there---what you do from that point is up to you---but if you are thinking of any kind of R---then you can demand transparency of everything including her work e-mail---problem is if she really wants to continue contact, she can go deep underground and you will never know.------But seeing the packets, will get a very active rise out of her, I promise you that.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Sad thing is, she has lived in a fantasy world for the last 20 years. When you leave her, she'll wake up from her fantasy and realize to her horror what she has thrown away.
> 
> Sounds like she's starting to wake up, but getting served divorce papers is the douse of cold water that will shock her out of her fog and into reality; but you will be gone by that point.


I agree. There is NOTHING that will bring her into reality, absolutely nothing, that is, nothing short of divorce. Even then I think it will take her a while. She will need to experience life as a single 40-something woman for a while to fully appreciate what she HAD.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Your wife pushed you to the limit---and you are just about there
> 
> She probably still doesn't think you will go thru with the D---so she continues on with her A.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your response. However, she really needs a full "wake up call" that needs to ring her into reality for about a year or two. 

As a therapist told me, she had become accustom to complete dedication and a first relationship that doesn't have the same baggage. As he said, she is in such a fantasy that the wake up call will be beyond what she can even imagine. I agree with this. She simply lacks reality to a point to which I have difficulty even describing here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you going to file?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you going to file?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, it is in process. It took a while to find an attorney.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> Yes, it is in process. It took a while to find an attorney.


Watch what happens when she is served. And from what you've written that still might not be enough to wake her up.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I am glad to see that you have found some acceptance and peace about this D. That is amazing and a blessing. I am sorry it has come to this for you but as they say, out of the ashes....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TooNiceDave said:


> Yes, it is in process. It took a while to find an attorney.


Good for you. Believe me you will feel as if a weight was lifted off you when the paperwork is filed and served. Don't second guess yourself... You did the right thing and now the ball is rolling. Do not tell her that you filed. Let the shock of being served hit her full force.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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