# Help me make things better



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I feel like things are turning a bit at a time...teen in counseling, we are more on same page about things and I am TRYING so hard to communicate without anger. I gave him a BJ this morning even. 

What can I do to make us more close again?? (like touching, kissing, hugging)-- it feels so forced now and if I do touch, kiss or hug he almost bristles or says something stupid. Help....

I keep seeing stuff about doing a 180-- how can I do that?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

(((HUGS))) You are not alone. I desire to be closer to my husband as well.

I may be wrong, but to me a lot of the advice on this website about doing a 180 seems catered to men. In my humble opinion, if the way men do a 180 on their wives is to become more masculine then the opposite must be true for women. We need to be more feminine. I think that would make us more approachable.

Along with making yourself less available and taking better care of yourself, it's important to become a wife he'd want to be close too. It sounds to me like you are doing that by being more affectionate. In addtion to that, we need to be more trusting and less controlling. More encouraging and less belittling. We have to learn how to respect the choices of our husbands, while still feeling free to express what we want.

I think as women, our greatest strength is our ability to be soft. It's more powerful and influencial than being a controlling nag.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

themrs said:


> (((HUGS))) You are not alone. I desire to be closer to my husband as well.
> 
> Along with making yourself less available and taking better care of yourself, it's important to become a wife he'd want to be close too. It sounds to me like you are doing that by being more affectionate. In addtion to that, we need to be more trusting and less controlling. More encouraging and less belittling. We have to learn how to respect the choices of our husbands, while still feeling free to express what we want.
> 
> I think as women, our greatest strength is our ability to be soft. It's more powerful and influencial than being a controlling nag.


Hmmm... I am exercising and trying to lose weight (again)-- I tend to get caught up in daily life with job kids etc. I have pulled back, and it didn't work well... I think he thought he wanted that but didn't. Should I keep trying even though he seems not to return (or want) the affection...has it just gotten awkward?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

lisa3girls said:


> Hmmm... I am exercising and trying to lose weight (again)-- I tend to get caught up in daily life with job kids etc. I have pulled back, and it didn't work well... I think he thought he wanted that but didn't. Should I keep trying even though he seems not to return (or want) the affection...has it just gotten awkward?


When I first started changing the dynamic of my marriage, my husband didn't give me any positive feedback either. It did seem forced and awkward at first because it was different. But I'm the type of girl who believes in "fake it till you make it." I just behave in a way that I want my marriage to be and hope he'll come on board.

You have to be affectionate AND less available at the same time. I'm not on my husband 24/7, but I smile at him more and give him compliments more. I say to him, "You're right." and "Whatever you think is best." more often. I'm less argumentative. Stuff like that. 

Whenever something changes, even if it's good, it takes some getting used too. Be patient and keep up the good work! Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

themrs said:


> (((HUGS)))
> 
> I think as women, our greatest strength is our ability to be soft. It's more powerful and influencial than being a controlling nag.


There is some wisdom in this, but with some important caveats, IMO...

I think one of the most attractive things to a husband is having a solid sense of yourself, of who you are.

Yes, being "soft" is a strength, but that doesn't mean being fragile. I think it has to do with knowing who you are and what you stand for without bludgeoning it over your husband's head, AND with enough security in yourself to let HIM "control" some things too. 

The other thought I have on this...
I chose to marry an assertive man, because I was very attracted to that trait. That said...I have NO problem letting him "lead" as a captain--IF HE TREATS ME WITH RESPECT.

I'll let him have all the power and control over certain areas of our life--IF HE DOESN'T ARBITRARILY FIGHT ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY FOR POWER AND CONTROL.

Hell, I'll even "obey" my husband--IF HE LOVES AND CHERISHES ME AND GENUINELY CARES FOR MY/OUR BEST INTEREST.

I don't think 180-ing is about being aloof; I think it's about showing your spouse that you know your own worth, and living by that knowledge. If your spouse is good, they'll see your worth too, and want to be a part of it.

And if he does--by all means, lavish affection and cuddles to his heart's content.

But if he treats you badly or wants to be controlling--being soft and cuddly puts a lower worth on your love.

I hope that made sense.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

themrs said:


> You have to be affectionate AND less available at the same time. I'm not on my husband 24/7, but I smile at him more and give him compliments more. I say to him, "You're right." and "Whatever you think is best." more often. I'm less argumentative. Stuff like that.


Again--SMART.

In my marriage, it's about letting go of the need to control things, and setting the example that *not everything has to be a power struggle.*

Tiny example: last night when we got home, sat down and ate our takeout, I had the remote. Flipped through channels. Saw something *I* definitely would've watched, AND something *he* definitely would've watched.

I flipped back and forth, and then left it on "his" thing.
Because in that moment, I felt "eh," about "my" thing.

Reaaalllly tiny example, but with a husband who turns every tiny thing into a power struggle, I wanted to set the example that I don't need to use the remote to make a point--the way he uses other meaningless things to make a point.

Along the lines of what you say, for me, it's also about how I "feel" inside when I do something.
If I'm reaching for him to ease some anxiety or restore connection after conflict--that's unhealthy for ME, and reduces me to needy.
But if I'm being affectionate as a self-assured decision, a genuine loving extension--that's good.

And I think they can see the difference.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I will keep trying...I think he was the controlling one in the relationship at first (20+ years ago)-- he became a SAHD and my career took off. I have ALWAYS appreciated what he does at home, but he doesn't see it that way.

I actually think he resents my independence and the fact that I don't 'need' him financially. He thought he wanted that (for me to be my own person) but once he got it I think he didn't like it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I will keep trying...I think he was the controlling one in the relationship at first (20+ years ago)-- he became a SAHD and my career took off. I have ALWAYS appreciated what he does at home, but he doesn't see it that way.
> 
> I actually think he resents my independence and the fact that I don't 'need' him financially. He thought he wanted that (for me to be my own person) but once he got it I think he didn't like it.


You may be on to something there.

It could be a blow to his ego and manhood for you to be the breadwinner.
Doesn't excuse disrespect or snide comments.

But, it does help you understand his pov.

Keep treating him and yourself with respect, and eventually he may get used to your independence, and grow to respect you in kind for it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I don't think softer=pushover. I just think it means being more feminine (graceful and gentle) and less argumentative.


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