# Help



## Secret1 (Jan 23, 2011)

My husband was brought up in the Pentecostal church and we meet in the church. I had a lot of emotional problems due to my family history and he was there for me being a friend. I was not attracted to him but at the time he was there for me throughout my emotional state. We dated for a while but I was not convinced that he was the one for me although he was kind and friendly. He was persistent and I felt overwhelm with his persistence. I turned to prayer to figure out who he was in my life. While I was Praying about my situation the chapter came to my mind PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEAR and with that eye-opener I decided that we would date and we got married two years later. I have been married to my husband over 21 years this year and we have two sons. I love him but I am not in love with him. My husband is a good person, but we really did not date long enough before we got married. My husband says that loves me but we a lacking a lot but we are trying to do more things for ourselves as a couple. When we first got married we attended church a lot, we worked and I went to school to continue my education. We bought our first home in our twenties. My husband is always there physically and in some ways emotionally for me and the children. Previously over the years I have tried to explain to him who I am as a woman and what makes me happy but he does what he thinks will make me happy. When I do not act with enthusiasm it offends him and I am view as ungrateful. What he really wanted from me at that time was for me to continue in the church when we first meet, but I was changing from that world. I did not change as a god fearing person but I wanted more that the church world is not willing to offer me. I became very angry towards my husband because he was unwilling to give me what I wanted from him. I wanted him to take me out so we could date and have a good time together, he would not give me what I cried out to him for. He gave me what he thought I needed. He gave me gifts but what is a gift if is something that was pick up in a store. I went thought a lot of mental abuse from him which hindered me from really doing things that mattered and made me happy. I was always around him and his family and always did everything that mattered to him and his family. We have matured and I believe that he has finally realized what I was trying to tell him all those years ago used about who I am and what he needs to do to make me happy with him. I am angry because when I observe my life with him I realized that there was so much more we could have enjoyed together if he had applied himself to our personal relationship. I have security with him and I love him and respect as a person but I do not think that I in love with him. I feel if he would improve his self physically, educationally and hygenly I would probably be in love with him. I want more from my relationship and do not know if he able or willing to give me what I need as his wife. I really do not want to live this way anymore I do not want to feel only regrets if I stay in this marriage knowing that I was not fulfilled being with this man.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

You've been married for more than 21 years and have 2 sons - it is important to make every effort to see if your relationship can be saved. Too much (and too many people) are invested.

Have you attended marital counseling together?


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## Secret1 (Jan 23, 2011)

Yes, we have being to counseling over 13years ago and he is more aware of things he need to do for a relationship to work. We have talked and he is more aware of why I so angry at him for not allowing our relationship to progress romantically. We both have allowed our families to intrude on our marriage and attend to them and church rules rather than working on our intimate relationship. I tried to show him that but he really did not listen and I was accused of being ungrateful and why can’t I be satisfied with what I have, which is a home and stability. I told his family that I wanted to leave that particular church but they disagreed with me. I was told by his family that I could leave but my husband will not be leaving. We talked it over and we decided that it was best for us to find another church that was not so strike. My husband would get angry at me if I listened to any other music other than Jazz of gospel and wanting to go anywhere else other than church. Over 15 years ago I meet someone that I enjoyed talking to that eventually led in an affair. I know that my husband did not desire my infidelity so I eventually brook of the relationship and seek counseling for myself individually and remained in the marriage. I decided to still cry out to my husband about who I am and what I want from him. I was advice by the counselor that I would have to tell him about the affair. 
My husband did not want to continue living in the geographic area that we lived and he initiated to me that he wanted to relocate and I pondered about it for a while and eventually agreed to relocate. It took me a while to agree to leave my job and home but I did it for family. Before we proceeded with our plans he wanted to talk about my problems in the relationship that he suspected. Now I faced with telling the truth of not being satisfied with him and the marriage, so I took the advice from the counselor and told him about the affair which devastated him. We decided to go to counseling together. Now we were counseled by the husband of the women that counseled me a few years before when I received counseling for myself at the time of the affair. While we were in counseling together, the counselor pointed out things to my husband that he did not do in the relationship that contributed to me having an affair. We have being married 21 years now and have talked about everything that happened in the past that has affected our marriage negatively and have decided not to allow them to hinder our marriage any more, I have priority my extended families influence but I do not think that has completely done that same with his family. As I have stated that was a great part of our problem his family great influence on him. I did not want to move in an area without knowing anyone so I decided to move closer to a family member and we visited the area and outward look was nice. I started to do a lot of research on the area that we decided to relocate to and found out that it was motivated medically. I told him that it is not highly productive area in business and the outer counties are rural so therefore I changed my mind. He said that the area is where the lord wanted us to go so I agree even thought my research showed the facts. I live in a nice house and the boys a settled in school but I am not happy with it all. He has finally acknowledged that the job that he and I have cannot really pay for the life style that we want without a struggle. He dips into his inheritance that my name is on as Power on His Death to help with the bills. He also has the option do what makes him happy in this area with his toys of a bike, boat to do his fishing and a nice house. Other than my house and community surrounding I have not done anything that makes me happy other than returning to school again. We are having sex once a month for about 15 minutes or no sex at all for 2 months. I am tired of living my life for my husband not trying to find what will make me happy. I am thinking about instituting plan B for my life with or without my husband.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Secret1, it sounds to me like you've already made up your mind! But, being with someone for so many years and having so many aspects of your life tied to your marriage is probably what's kept you around so long.
You clearly have a HUGE pile of resentments built up for your husband and I am sure that he has done things to make you feel this way. However, marriage is a 2 way street and I am sure he has a list of his own resentments about you - in fact, it's possible his resentments of you could be holding him back from giving you what you continue to ask for. You two could possibly be stuck in a "stale mate" with nobody willing to make a move and both of you looking to each other for comfort and sympathy. 
I didn't get the sense that you two are currently going to counseling? and have you also considered the fact that not all counselors are created equal? In addition, I don't really suggest going to a church tied counselor (if you have) only because it sounds like your husband is more attached to the church life than you are. Not that church counselors are bad, but they might envelope more God themes in the therapy rather than a therapy plan that's designed solely on your marrige as individuals. Again, nothing wrong with church or god, but in this instance I wouldn't want to see your feelings and emotions swept under a rug out of guilt for god. Back to my point, be open to seek a counselor that is a good match for you both - someone that you are both comfortable with and someone who offers you "homework" assignmets and more active methods beyond listening. 
"Other than my house and community surrounding I have not done anything that makes me happy other than returning to school again." - WHY?! If your husband is taking the time to go boating and ride a bike, why aren't you out there enjoying yourself with interests of your own?! If you are left at home stewing over all of the problems of the marriage while he is out enjoying life - it's definately NOT going to work and the resentments are going to get thicker. Start to make a list of things you can hold yourself accountable for with regards to taking care of YOU because if you're neglecting yourself AND having to deal with so many marital problems all at once, it's surely going to spiral you into depression if it hasn't already. Are most of your thoughts consumed by negative thoughts about your marriage? 
I just want to play devil's advocate here for a second... do you think it would take a week to undo 21 years of mistakes and anger issues? I definately think not. Let's face it, most men get super overwhelmed when we women start to unload all of the marital problems on them all at once and normally will take the defensive route and just shut down. It's dire that you two set a healthy pace you can agree on when you start to address each issue. Start working on the problems that you each feel would bring the most joy in this moment and then go from there. Exercise patience, tolerance & forgiveness with one another but don't forget to also offer up positive feedback when you notice a change made by your partner no matter how small. It's so hard to change habits - and nobody really wants to do anything these days if they don't come with some kind of a reward. We all want to feel loved, needed and happy but these emotions are not guaranteed at all times. That's why I think it's so important for a husband and wife to communicate WHY they are not fulfilling a need so that the neglected spouse doesn't think it's always a negative reason for the hold up. 
Obviously I don't know your entire situation or life... but I can tell you that it's possible to find happiness again. I too strayed from my husband and we've had our share of major problems... but it wasn't until I realized that I was expecting him to fulfill the shoes of a dream husband I had made up in my head before I was able to really start seeing & loving him for him. I'll leave you with this: has your husband EVER lived up to the current vision of who he should be you have in your head? if the answer is no then you are trying to make someone into someone they are not. If the answer was yes - maybe he needs to know that he did do it for you at one time. I am sure he is aware that you weren't allllll that into him in the start... he could have some major self esteem issues of his own that could be causing some of his bad behavior or emotional abuse as you mentioned. 
Clarity needs to be your theme... as well as peace and the hunt for joy in both of your lives with or without one another. I truly hope you find the courage & strength it is going to take to make a real move in your life right now. Treading water isn't going to bring either of you happiness : it's truly a waste of time.


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## Secret1 (Jan 23, 2011)

Yes I realize that I cannot wait on him anymore to make me happy but I have search myself and find what makes me happy. I did not think that we should seek out counseling because I talk about our problems much to him. But I need to learn how to fix them. Yes you are right my husband has self esteem issues within himself and his family and I try to encourage his to take care of himself. Yes I have no choose but to have the courage to do things differently for my own happiness. I am going revisit marriage counseling for us, but I first need to know what I am expecting to get from it, what direction it will lead me into. 

Thanks again


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## Secret1 (Jan 23, 2011)

Explain!

My attention was focus on other things such as getting myself together emotionally and just doing what was necessary to improve my life. I had a lot family problem that affected emotional and in this breakdown of family relationship I started to attend the church. I wanted spiritual connection with God and guidance for my life. When I first meet my husband I was not interested in him there just was no sparkle. A lot of older women in the church use to tell me that he was a nice guy so I decided to give him a chance with friendship. He was always there when I needed someone around and we started a friendship. Although when I detected that he wanted more that a friendship I felt pressured with this relationship. He realized that and left me alone for a while and I felt relief. I went on with my life for a few weeks but then I realized that no one has ever notice my need without me becoming miserable and not being connected with me to know what was wrong with me. Therefore that inspired me to seek God about my husband. While praying about him the scripture came to me. PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEAR and because of that intuition I decided that it would be alright to date my husband which led into marriage. I know it has being a while that I am married to this man and I have most of the problems that I have read in this forum. Did I rush into this marriage not really understanding what the phase meant by misinterpreting what I believe was telling me PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEAR?
Please I want to really deal with my issues from its origin!!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Can you please tell me what "perfect love cast out all fear" meant to you?


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## Secret1 (Jan 23, 2011)

"Perfect Love cast out all fear" means to me

1. When you love someone it the fear of what others think really does not matter. 

2. Actions that are taken will build the relationship or the other partner despite what people or your own inner fear think.

3. When you love someone the goodness that the partner has shown will not be obliterated by people or family members that would like to control the relationship. 

4. When you love someone you will easily give of yourself for that person to live their life.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I was just wondering, b/c that particular quote meant something else to me. If I remember correctly, Paul wrote it in regards to not having fear of what's to come, as God's love for us is perfect...therefore, we shall not fear anything. But then again, I might not remember it correctly, lol.

Thing is...as humans we're not capable of PERFECT love, as we're fallible. And I really hesitate to get into a religious discussion on this particular forum, or any other for that matter. My beliefs are just so different than that of most. 

It is just my own very personal opinion that we're not capable of that perfect kind of love.


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