# Balancing household duties



## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Something that has been troubling me lately is the imbalance that has happened over time in our home, which was very likely created by my "Nice Guy" behaviors & attitude, so I am not completely blaming my wife (though she has certainly taken advantage). It has been bothering me lately, so I'm wanting to get some perspectives from the folks on this board. I know now, as a recovering Mr. Nice Guy, that I need to bring this up to my wife sooner than later, because I certainly need to talk about my needs and the imbalance.

Quick background: We have 2 young children (3 & 6), have been married for 8 years, and both work full-time jobs. We make about the same money.

When we first married it was agreed that I would do all of the outside of house stuff (lawn, maintenance, snow shoveling, etc.), and she would do all of the inside cleaning. I also cleaned the cars regularly when we first married, though this has become more like a once per month thing since kid #2 came along. 

I've been annoyed lately because I think I have spoiled my wife and there's this expectation for me to do all these things I have been doing. Sometimes she'll come home and the house is a bit cluttered or not totally picked up and she shoots me a disapproving look or comments that the house is a wreck. I feel like saying, "Well, get to cleaning!" Or, I'll clean the house top to bottom one day, then be gone the next and come back to total disarray & my wife sitting on the couch reading, so feel like all my hard work has been undone, disregarded & disrespected. She was appreciative of it when it first was done, but how appreciative are you if you can't even make a slight effort to keep it cleain? Again, I'll state that I put myself into this predicament I think because I was trying to keep her happy all the time, thereby hopefully if she was happy she'd be more relaxed, less stressed & happy to have sex or treat me in other kind/loving ways. It hasn't really worked out that way though. Sex has declined as I've picked up more slack around the house.:rofl:

Anyway, here is the breakdown now of what is done in our home:
ME: 
-Home outside (lawn, snow shoveling, Christmas decorations up/down, cleaning gutters, sprinklers, garage cleaning/organizing, etc.)
weekly garbage/recycling
-50/50 cleaning inside the home (probably more than 50/50 because an unclean home drives me more crazy than her).
-50/50 kids bedtime prep 
-25% laundry (I do my own laundry, always have, and sometimes so of the kids' laundry too)
-50/50 dishes
-25% giving kids their baths
-House maintenance (things like replacing furnace filters, fixing things that break, and contacting/coordinating contractors when I can't do it)
-Morning prep w/ girls (my wife leaves early for work, so I get the girls dressed, teeth brushed, etc. & then take them to school/day care)
-Cars (maint. & cleaning)
-Budget
-Pay bills
-Annual taxes
-Rental house (we have a rental home and I do 100% of that on my own)
-Computer stuff (my wife knows very little about technology, so it's my job to download pictures, print them, upgrade software, replace ink cartridges, etc.).

MY WIFE'S LIST:
-Cooking (usually just dinners, unless it's grilling & then I do that)
-75% kids' baths
-Bedtime prep (we both do this, but she takes the lead)
-50% cleaning
-Cards/gifts for our kids & others
-School stuff (communication w/ teachers, homework, etc.)
-75% laundry
-50/50 dishes
-Clothes shopping/organizing for kids
-Grocery shopping

So, I'm thinking she and I need to have a talk about how the responsibilities are shared and how to make things more even. As you can tell, I'm pulling more than my weight, so I think it's time for a change. 

What are your thoughts? How do things work in your home?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> What are your thoughts? How do things work in your home?


I'll tell you what has NEVER worked in my home: Scorekeeping. 

We humans are notoriously bad about giving ourselves more credit than we deserve, and giving others less credit than they deserve. 

I have been in similar situations several times, where I am the one accused of not pulling my weight around the house. I SUCK at housekeeping! 

When I have faced criticism for this, it has felt unfair and I didn't feel like my partner gave me enough credit for the things I did do. No, I didn't vacuum, for instance, but somehow cleaning the toilets never made his list, or the fact that I might work extra hours to make that same amount of money. How do you measure what she brings to the table that is not measured in terms of chores? Things like affection, a positive outlook, emotional support when you're down, etc.? 

I personally want to make sure my marriage is happy, and so I will do housework to please my partner. But if it goes unnoticed, my efforts will fall off quickly. 

I also think that how clean a house is should never be put ahead of marital satisfaction on a person's priority list. Can you hire someone to come in occasionally? Can you pay extra attention when she *does* do something and let her know that it makes you feel loved when she does things like that? Can you make simple requests for a task to be done instead of holding it against her when she doesn't anticipate what you want?


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Thank you for your well-thought out response, KathyBatesel.

I wanted to follow-up on a couple of your points, and also hoping that I get some other responses too.

First, I would never present this list I posted here to my wife and say, "Bam! There's the scorecard. You need to do more:smthumbup:" or anything even close to that. I was only trying to lay out here why the imbalance bothers me and wanted folks to know the specifics. 

I probably will approach this subject sooner than later, and more than likely it will be me telling her that I feel overwhelmed at times with everything I am _expected_ to do and acknowledging the shifts that have taken place over the past 8 years. I've found in my personal and professional life that in doing things that way it can open up a conversation about our priorities and things like that too (kind of like you brought up). 

If we did do "scorekeeping," it would be something we'd do together. Like looking at our household duties together and seeing how we can help each other or develop a better plan. I'm not interested in belittling her, making her feel guilty or anything like that. That will get me nowhere fast.

The difficulty is that I don't want to just let it go on and on if it's something that bothers me. That is passive aggressive behavior and it's not fair to her or me. I will become resentful, that's for sure, and she'll wonder what the heck went wrong and why I never said anything! If I don't speak up about my needs then I have nobody to blame but myself for feeling angry about it later when nothing changes.

You made the point that you, "also think that how clean a house is should never be put ahead of marital satisfaction on a person's priority list." I totally agree, but I can't say we are living in a very satisfied marriage. I won't get into all the details (you could find it in my other posts if you wanted), but our sex life is less than adequate, we've already done MC and both of us IC as well, and she often knocks me way down on the priority list (behind kids, hobbies, etc.). I usually end up feeling like I do my very best to meet all of her needs in the marriage (I'm a "yes" man), while some of my most important ones (yes, intimacy & sex) continue to go unmet. 

I love my wife dearly, but she can be very short-sighted at times. She is not one to acknowledge or even think about problems in the marriage - that's always been one of my chores. If I don't say anything and even just drop subtle hints, innuendos or even compliments here & there, she won't get it. I have to be straightforward with things. 

Again, I appreciate your insights and hope to get some more as well. There have to be more people than just me that struggle with this imbalance and have found ways to resolve/approach it...


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

The mere fact that you know who is supposed to do what is score keeping. Stop it. It's your house too. Man up and take care of it.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

More like man up and stop being the maid. Get her to do the housekeeping in your house.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

No...just stop scorekeeping and do what you need to do to keep your home in shape. 

There's a book called Spousonomics which has a chapter on exactly what the op posted about in the first place. 

Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes: Paula Szuchman, Jenny Anderson: 9780385343947: Amazon.com: Books

It's a good read.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

In my opinion, to keep your manhood, you should stop doing so much work around the house. When she gives you a disapproving look if the house is messy, say "WTF you're not my mom. In fact, it's your job to do the work in the house per the original agreement." Say it in an assertive tone.

No doubt you might have an argument, but it has to be done to shift the power. Otherwise, you will always be the housekeeper and your children will look at you like the maid of the house. You might as well wear the cute little apron as well. I'm not saying completely stop doing anything, but she should be doing more work around the house. It's a matter of respect.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I find it rather humorous that you separated "budget" and "pay bills" yet you lump ALL the "school stuff" together. She does all the shopping...does she take the girls with her? Do you ever go with her? I'm sorry, but it appears, to me, that you are minimizing the things she DOES because you feel you do so much more. The majority of the things on your list are weekly or MAYBE monthly/seasonal. How much of hers is daily, or at MOST weekly?

For instance, you put car maintenance on your list. You do the oil changes and ALL of the other repairs/upkeep yourself? You don't take them to shops to be worked on? Do you pump the gas in her car as well?

As for the rental house, hat do you do with it? Is it rented out right now? How much work are you having to do on a regular basis with it? And, if it is rented out now, why can't she collect the rent on occasion?

Like I said... it just seems, to me, that you are minimizing what she does because you don't see the work involved in what she IS doing. But that's JMO.... that of the wife who does 85% of everything in our household.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Adex said:


> In my opinion, to keep your manhood, you should stop doing so much work around the house. When she gives you a disapproving look if the house is messy, say "WTF you're not my mom. In fact, it's your job to do the work in the house per the original agreement." Say it in an assertive tone.
> 
> No doubt you might have an argument, but it has to be done to shift the power. Otherwise, you will always be the housekeeper and your children will look at you like the maid of the house. You might as well wear the cute little apron as well. I'm not saying completely stop doing anything, but she should be doing more work around the house. It's a matter of respect.


Well, then, if she needs to do more of the housework, perhaps he should do more of the shopping and communication with the teachers, and even split all care of the kids 50/50. Throwing out that "cute little apron" comment is a load of bs. What he NEEDS to do is sit down and discuss the problem with her and see exactly what it is that she DOES do, and stop minimizing it in favor of himself!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

"WTF You're not my mom"?!?

Yeah... That'll teach her. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> I find it rather humorous that you separated "budget" and "pay bills" yet you lump ALL the "school stuff" together. She does all the shopping...does she take the girls with her? Do you ever go with her? I'm sorry, but it appears, to me, that you are minimizing the things she DOES because you feel you do so much more. The majority of the things on your list are weekly or MAYBE monthly/seasonal. How much of hers is daily, or at MOST weekly?
> 
> For instance, you put car maintenance on your list. You do the oil changes and ALL of the other repairs/upkeep yourself? You don't take them to shops to be worked on? Do you pump the gas in her car as well?
> 
> ...


Well said. I was thinking the same thing reading OP. :iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> "WTF You're not my mom"?!?
> 
> Yeah... That'll teach her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You only give disapproving looks for bad behavior to children. His wife is treating him like a child and disrespecting him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Adex said:


> You only give disapproving looks for bad behavior to children. His wife is treating him like a child and disrespecting him.


A "man" wouldn't speak so childishly to his wife if he wanted her respect, nor insult his mother in the same sentence.

That's just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Lol it's funny how some of the women are basically already siding with his wife. Clearly, the OP is doing too much and the wife is doing too little, taking advantage of him, disrespecting him, and treating him like a child at times. But yes, let's support the wife in this situation.:smthumbup:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

We don't know his wife and we only have HIS biased opinion to go on.

Either way, immaturity begets immaturity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How about suggesting that you draw up a weekly rota for you both? Make sure it is completely equal and stick to it.

The days you wash the cars or do outside work, are the days you shouldn't have to do household chores. After all, unlike scrubbing the toilet and washing the floors, things like putting up / taking down Christmas lights (along with some other things on your list) aren't things that need doing every day...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

:iagree:

Even though my husband works and I don't he STILL does some of the household stuff, (I do most of it). We don't "ration" childcare, either. If she needs something it's whoever is available for whatever.

It did not start out that way - we had to compromise and negotiate on some things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woman (Aug 19, 2011)

Adex said:


> In my opinion, to keep your manhood, you should stop doing so much work around the house. When she gives you a disapproving look if the house is messy, say "WTF you're not my mom. In fact, it's your job to do the work in the house per the original agreement." Say it in an assertive tone.
> 
> No doubt you might have an argument, but it has to be done to shift the power. Otherwise, you will always be the housekeeper and your children will look at you like the maid of the house. You might as well wear the cute little apron as well. I'm not saying completely stop doing anything, but she should be doing more work around the house. It's a matter of respect.


Err, if they both work, why should she do more?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You both work. Hire a housekeeper and a gardener. 

From your lists, I honestly don't see you any more than she does. Your list is seasonal things and things that are not done ever day.

Your tone from the post is that you somehow expect her to do the majority.

Who vacuums and mops the floors, dusts, clean the kitchen and bathroom? Who makes the bed. Who washes the sheets for everyone and replaces them? Who picks the kids up from day care? Who take them to the doctor? Who stays home with them when they are sick? Who makes their breakfast and cleans up?


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Tigger said:


> You both work. Hire a housekeeper and a gardener.
> 
> From your lists, I honestly don't see you any more than she does. Your list is seasonal things and things that are not done ever day.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I do a lot of the household cleaning and stuff like that, which is probably the part that bugs me the most. I clean the house probably once per month, and I'll do when I'm with the kids and she's out doing something. I'll set up the kids with a game or something they can do together for an hour or two (I interact and check up on them throughout - don't worry) and I go to town scrubbing toilets, cleaning windows/mirrors, vacuuming, mopping floors, reorganizing, doing laundry, etc. She does that sort of things maybe once every 3 months, and sometimes she'll just clean toilets or something and that's it. 

My "seasonal" duties are that, very true, seasonal, but there is always something going on at every season. Lawn care/landscaping is at least a weekly deal at our house, and in the colder months snow removal can be too. 

I'm really not trying to minimize her chores here. No, we don't ration childcare time either - that would be crazy. We just get the kids what they need. 

Some very good suggestions here though so far, and have given me things to think about.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Adex said:


> Lol it's funny how some of the women are basically already siding with his wife. Clearly, the OP is doing too much and the wife is doing too little, taking advantage of him, disrespecting him, and treating him like a child at times. But yes, let's support the wife in this situation.:smthumbup:


Well, since we have to keep score....

Me:
-All cooking, even when sick, except for those rare occasions when I am not home and the kids are hungry or he is.
-Laundry, I share responsibility with our 11 year old son.
-Dishes, again, our son and me, except for rare occasions when my husband does them.
-I help our daughter in the bath, my oldest helps the youngest boy (age 4)
-I get up with the kids every morning, including the two we babysit overnight.
-I tuck our daughter in every night, our youngest sleeps in our bed right now. (still trying to get him OUT)
-sweeping, mopping, vacuuming on me and our 11 year old.
-ALL shopping
-Budget (INCLUDING bill payments)
-ALL school related activities (communication with teachers, taking care of the kids' fundraising, taking them to the bus stop, picking them up from the bus stop, etc)


Husband:
-Pet care (includes feeding, bathing, walking, etc) is my husband
-Garbage is taken out by my husband, myself, or our son.


Kids:
-Kids clean their rooms
-Pick up papers, toys, etc around the house.

Now, are we going to continue the pissing contest? I jumped on the OP because of the balance of activities because I KNOW how much each thing he listed for his wife entails. He minimized it. He made her contributions seem insignificant. My husband and I don't have a car. The property management takes care of outdoor upkeep. Seasonal stuff is done by both of us. 

I am on disability, my husband is still fighting for his disability. As I said.... are we done with the pissing contest? :smthumbup:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

monkeyboy said:


> I was only trying to lay out here why the imbalance bothers me and wanted folks to know the specifics.
> 
> If we did do "scorekeeping," it would be something we'd do together.
> 
> ...


I understand that you don't think you're keeping score, but your list and your expectations reveal that you are, even if only in your thoughts. 

It's good that you want to avoid passive-aggressive behavior. It wouldn't help anyway, and would only make matters worse. But I think that the housekeeping isn't the problem. It's a symptom, but not the "real" issue, much like when a person is ill. They may have a runny nose, but the real problem is a virus.

It sounds like the real issue is the power balance. You don't feel like you have enough influence and power in your relationship. She may be feeling the same, or else she is unwilling to give up the power she does have. In fact, I would bet that if you felt like she listened to you and tried to please you in general, you wouldn't think twice about whether you were doing more than her. 

Every relationship goes through some predictable stages, although the scholars would define them in many different ways. Essentially, the couple starts with Attraction, moves to Attachment, gets hit by the Reality Stage, which leads to a Power Struggle Stage. During the power struggle stage, which you're going through, a couple must renegotiate who has what degree of power. If they're successful, they reach the Deep Intimacy stage. Many don't get there and instead, separate during the power struggle stage. It's simply too long and painful to go through this stage endlessly, and incompatible couples may be unable to ever resolve it. 

It's somewhat ironic that the only way for the power struggles to end in most relationships is for the more powerful person to surrender some of their need for power. This is why a powerless person who feels victimized suddenly discovers a change in the partner when they leave. The powerful person suddenly values the partner more than the power. This is the idea that is being used when people advise someone to "man up." 

When you're in a clearly "inferior" power position, it might require a power grab to force the issue. When this happens, the person with superior power will normally try to keep the status quo. They don't want to give up what they have! But if the inferior person holds out firmly, the superior partner will have to let go of power or make it clear that they won't, which allows the inferior power person to leave or give up their own power. 

You have a variety of power struggles in your relationship, and they all boil down to the same thing: You want more influence/power. All the talk in the world won't change things if your actions don't back up what you SAY you intend or want. 

So how can you use your actions to reassert yourself without crossing the line into abusiveness? Well, you can withdraw support and effort. You've seen that this works because you've been on the receiving end of it. You can take action without your partner's approval that meets your own needs, and lets them deal with the mini-crisis they face when you do. And you can stop participating altogether, whether that means refusing to argue or getting a divorce.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm not going to jump on the OP. Apparently, he thinks there's a problem. I don't know him or his wife....

OP, what could she do that would make you feel she was doing more? Does she say she has too much already? Is she tired a lot?

For the people who don't work, why wouldn't you do all the chores? If my husband worked and I stayed home, I would expect to do all the housework and cooking. If I didn't, that would be unfair to him. But we both work full time and I do the majority of the chores inside. We pay for yard work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I didn't work for the last two years, and I am terrible at housework. I did laundry each day, and I cleaned the kitchen and made dinner daily, and make the bed each morning. I let the animals out and feed and water them. I pick up after ourselves as we go. 

However, I do not wash windows, vacuum floors, dust, etc. on a regular basis. When I see it needs done, I'll get to it, but not on any urgent basis. This has been a major problem in my past relationships even though I worked full time, too, and not a problem at all in my marriage now even when I did not work at all. 

What people think is what determines whether a problem exists or not.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> For the people who don't work, why wouldn't you do all the chores? If my husband worked and I stayed home, I would expect to do all the housework and cooking. If I didn't, that would be unfair to him. But we both work full time and I do the majority of the chores inside. We pay for yard work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Speaking for myself, I hold down at least 2 or 3 fulltime "jobs" plus I put in copious amounts of overtime each week - all unpaid.

Some of us SAHMs work around the clock with little or no break, day after day, week after week, month after month. I'm up all day with the baby and cleaning and I'm also up all night with her as well.

Thankfully my husband has come around to the idea of helping me out more. To be fair, he works about 32 hours a week! I still do the vast majority of things, but I don't do everything all of the time. I really appreciate when he takes the time to cook, wash dishes, or offer to get up with the baby at night when I was sick - it was a work night for him and that meant a lot to me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Speaking for myself, I hold down at least 2 or 3 fulltime "jobs" plus I put in copious amounts of overtime each week - all unpaid.
> 
> Some of us SAHMs work around the clock with little or no break, day after day, week after week, month after month. I'm up all day with the baby and cleaning and I'm also up all night with her as well.
> 
> ...


How do I, as a working woman, do less? I work 40 hours a week plus another 10 or so commuting. I clean the entire house, pay all the bills, etc. When my child was young, I got up at night and still went to a full time job. I work a lot more than just my job. 

It is just my personal opinion, and I'm fully aware that some SAHMs don't agree. Yet we are both taking time out to answer a forum, so really, neither one of us are working around the clock, right? When I'm super busy at work (not now due to holidays, we are slow), I don't have time to read forums and respond. I'm bot criticizing you for doing such, but do you see where you have a lot more free time than I have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think Kathy hit the nail with the power struggle part. When your narraige as a whole is more balanced, these types of things don't tend to become such a huge deal.

To be honest, I don't know which one of us does more in my house. We are both the type to just get up and do something if it needs to be done. We refuse to keep score.

However, on the issue of cleanliness - every person has their own comfort zone when it comes to cleanliness. In my experience, when there is a big mismatch in this comfort zone, there isn't going to be an easy solution. Maybe clutter and stuff truly doesn't bother her to the extent it bothers you. One of you will have to leave your comfort zone to make the other happier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

monkeyboy said:


> So, I'm thinking she and I need to have a talk about how the responsibilities are shared and how to make things more even. As you can tell, I'm pulling more than my weight, so I think it's time for a change.
> 
> What are your thoughts? How do things work in your home?


Well things don't work very well in my home at all. But here is a suggestion I heard somewhere and this is what I would go for if I could have a greater influence.

Each partner should take their time and compile a list of each and every thing they think needs to be done to operate a household/family. Using their own list, each partner should mark by each duty/task who they think should be doing it. This should all be done in private without any input from the other partner.

When both partners have completed their lists, they should get together and share their list with each other. The next step is to compile a master list of everything that is on both partners' lists, duplicates listed only once. And lastly, someone's name should go next to each item on the master list. At this point you would have it all laid out for both to see, everything that needs to be done and who is responsible for doing it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Well things don't work very well in my home at all. But here is a suggestion I heard somewhere and this is what I would go for if I could have a greater influence.
> 
> Each partner should take their time and compile a list of each and every thing they think needs to be done to operate a household/family. Using their own list, each partner should mark by each duty/task who they think should be doing it. This should all be done in private without any input from the other partner.
> 
> When both partners have completed their lists, they should get together and share their list with each other. The next step is to compile a master list of everything that is on both partners' lists, duplicates listed only once. And lastly, someone's name should go next to each item on the master list. At this point you would have it all laid out for both to see, everything that needs to be done and who is responsible for doing it.


It sounds a lot better than it works, in my experience. Coming to agreement isn't the hardest part, though it can be challenging. The hard part is that we are human and our priorities today might be different from our priorities tomorrow. One person might not feel like doing something as quickly as the other wants it done or perform the task to the other's satisfaction. 

I've found that as more "rules" and rigidness enter into the picture, people get unhappy fast.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> How do I, as a working woman, do less? I work 40 hours a week plus another 10 or so commuting. I clean the entire house, pay all the bills, etc. When my child was young, I got up at night and still went to a full time job. I work a lot more than just my job.
> 
> It is just my personal opinion, and I'm fully aware that some SAHMs don't agree. Yet we are both taking time out to answer a forum, so really, neither one of us are working around the clock, right? When I'm super busy at work (not now due to holidays, we are slow), I don't have time to read forums and respond. I'm bot criticizing you for doing such, *but do you see where you have a lot more free time than I have?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? Because she is/we are on the computer, on a forum at the same time, she/we have more free time than you do? Really? No. I don't agree with you. I am on the computer doing things for my family. Yes, I am here as well. Yes, I respond from time to time. But I am here while doing OTHER things to earn money for my family. So, excuse me if I don't believe someone who works outside the home works "harder" or does "more" than I do. Excuse me if I believe that we ALL work hard for our families, or we SHOULD all be working hard for our families. Excuse me if I believe that our spouses should take EQUAL responsibility when it comes to child rearing and household chores.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Absolutely. I didn't mean to undermine the working person, either. I was just stating my point of view as a SAHM (which I despise, BTW).

Many times I envy my husband because he gets to leave the house and interact with others in his employment, but it's really not the point.

Like I said, I do the vast majority of the housework and honestly, I don't think I would get a job unless I knew he would help out more. I have some extenuating circumstances that make my situation unique, anyhow.

Back to OP - let's be fair - he did "double-list" and point out seasonal/occasional things he does, whereas for her list it seems like a lot of daily things.

When he responded and wrote more of what he does on a daily basis, he should have included in his initial list.

Either way, if he feels it's unfair he needs to communicate that to her. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Maricha - I was just thinking about that... How I sit with baby in my lap and entertain her with the phone and post at the same time! Win-win! LoL!!

I spend the majority of my time posting at night when I'm up with the baby anyways... And waiting for her to go back to bed... LoL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

monkeyboy said:


> As you can tell, I'm pulling more than my weight, so I think it's time for a change.
> 
> What are your thoughts?


I'm not real sure I can tell that at all and even so, why would that be a problem?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I've found that as more "rules" and rigidness enter into the picture, people get unhappy fast.


I have found that there is almost always one person in every relationship that gets unhappy with the idea of things being spelled out. With all due respect, I'm not sure how having a list with personal agreements to be responsible translates into "rules" and rigidness except as a reflection of someone's personality characteristics. Although rules might be a good idea, the list itself does not impose any rules in itself and rigidness is rarely a quality to be desired.

For example, my wife would say that she is responsible for cleaning the bathrooms and she is the person who does it. However, I clean the toilets 3 times a week the sinks twice a week and the rest of it I let go until she can get to it (every couple weeks or so). I don't even mention it, I just do it.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Really? Because she is/we are on the computer, on a forum at the same time, she/we have more free time than you do? Really? No. I don't agree with you. I am on the computer doing things for my family. Yes, I am here as well. Yes, I respond from time to time. But I am here while doing OTHER things to earn money for my family. So, excuse me if I don't believe someone who works outside the home works "harder" or does "more" than I do. Excuse me if I believe that we ALL work hard for our families, or we SHOULD all be working hard for our families. Excuse me if I believe that our spouses should take EQUAL responsibility when it comes to child rearing and household chores.


I didn't say I worked more. I was saying my day didn't 
nd after work. I was just pointing out none of us are working around the clock.

I think the way I do, and you think differently. That's fine. Mayne my opinion is skewed because I know several SAHMs who.say they are very busy, but have so much more free time than I have. They can go to the gym, play sports, go to extended lunches, etc during the day. I can't. 

I was not trying to offend, and sorry if you feel I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I have found that there is almost always one person in every relationship that gets unhappy with the idea of things being spelled out. With all due respect, I'm not sure how having a list with personal agreements to be responsible translates into "rules" and rigidness except as a reflection of someone's personality characteristics. Although rules might be a good idea, the list itself does not impose any rules in itself and rigidness is rarely a quality to be desired.
> 
> For example, my wife would say that she is responsible for cleaning the bathrooms and she is the person who does it. However, I clean the toilets 3 times a week the sinks twice a week and the rest of it I let go until she can get to it (every couple weeks or so). I don't even mention it, I just do it.


I think you've hit on something important that I haven't ever put into words - that the "rules" and "rigidness" come from personal perceptions and not from the list itself. 

At the same time, because it creates a standard and an expectation, I think it does little more than provide a weapon to clobber the offending party with. If it could be a "guideline" that's great, but if the people are to be held accountable, that personal perception of it becomes one of it being "THE RULES!!" 

Just rambling while I don't have to work today.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I was just pointing out none of us are working around the clock.


I'm glad you pointed this out. It certainly feels like it most days, let me tell you! LoL!!  The only break I really get is the fragmented sleep at night, lol!



tennisstar said:


> They can go to the gym, play sports, go to extended lunches, etc during the day._Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, I don't get to do any of those things. I'd love to, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm glad you pointed this out. It certainly feels like it most days, let me tell you! LoL!!  The only break I really get is the fragmented sleep at night, lol!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You and me both! 

Honestly, the only time I get to do "nothing" is when I AM sleeping. Even then, the youngest tosses and turns, kicking at night. (We are still trying to get him to his own bed... harder with this one than it was with the other two )... so, yea, it definitely seems like 24/7 on the clock!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I can't imagine with multiple kiddos... One keeps me busy enough - and she's recently become MOBILE! Lord help me! LoL! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This thread just reminds me that I have to do more domestic work this year. I loathe housework, always have, probably always will. I do not pull any kind of fair share, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I could be better...or hire a maid at some point.

And no, it has not affected my sex life at all.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jaquen said:


> This thread just reminds me that I have to do more domestic work this year. I loathe housework, always have, probably always will. I do not pull any kind of fair share, and I'm not sure I ever will. But I could be better...or hire a maid at some point.
> 
> And no, it has not affected my sex life at all.


Well, if you don't hire a maid for yourself, I would be MORE than happy to take a gift of maid service for a year... or even 3 months, at this point. 

Just sayin'


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, if you don't hire a maid for yourself, I would be MORE than happy to take a gift of maid service for a year... or even 3 months, at this point.
> 
> Just sayin'


:rofl: Duly noted.

Maybe I should just start cooking a lot more for my contribution. My wife adores my cooking, and is always asking me to do more. Maybe that'll help tip the scales better.

And honestly something probably needs to give. My wife, who use to be very on point with housework, does less of it as she's adopted more of my avoidance style. She's still much more diligent than me, but not nearly as much as she once was. So the house, in general, is just less clean. We did have a talk a few days ago about committing to a more cleanly environment. 

But thankfully it hasn't led to any serious discord.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

This thread got me up and moving yesterday, and probably more today, too. :smthumbup:


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

We humans are notoriously bad about giving ourselves more credit than we deserve, and giving others less credit than they deserve.

I:iagree:

But I definitely sympathize with the OP in feeling like you're being taken advantage of. I too live in a house where the chores were divided up between the outside and inside. Before we had kids, this seemed pretty reasonable (even if there were about 5 months of the year where there was virtually nothing to be done on the outside). 

But I think the downfall in my situation, and perhaps in the OP's as well, is that as things change these "agreements" need to evolve. If he can have open conversation with his wife about it, and she will can reasonably see his side of things, then it should be fine. 

And OP - if you do have a conversation with your wife, please let me know how it goes. I have honestly been banging my head on a brick wall for years trying to get things to shift in my house with absolutely no luck.


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