# ignored anniversary



## Unsure123 (Aug 10, 2012)

Long story short. Husband and I have been having trouble for awhile. Two months ago I told him I wanted to try separation to see if we can reconnect. We still live together as I have not found a place yet. We have three kids 10/6/4. Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I went back an forth all day trying to decide what to do. Finally decided to write him a little note, which follows. "I know you said there is nothing to celebrate, but I don't feel right saying nothing today. Hope this doesn't make anything worse. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you an the fun times we have had." I left the note where he would find it as I felt he wouldn't want me standing over him as he read it. He never mentioned it, nor did he acknowledge what the day was at all. While I tried to prepare myself for something like that, it still hurt me beyond belief. We have talked about working on our relationship, but after last night I am not sure if there is really anything to work on. Should I keep trying?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

As a man, and from personal experience. Once a woman puts separation on the table, to try and "save" things, the marriage is done. He is withdrawing, shielding his heart, and disconnecting. Your note, only served to confuse, and possibly hurt him even more. This is just my take from my experience.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

What did he do before the separation for previous anniversaries?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

toonaive said:


> As a man, and from personal experience. Once a woman puts separation on the table, to try and "save" things, the marriage is done. He is withdrawing, shielding his heart, and disconnecting. Your note, only served to confuse, and possibly hurt him even more. This is just my take from my experience.


On a personal note, *toonaive*, I wish you had posted this 9 mos ago and I had read it 9 mos ago. If I had known this, I never would have entertained a separation at all.

*Unsure123*, I don't have any good advice. I can say that whenever my now STBXH brought up "the good times" during counseling - or even now, as he occasionally does if I see him - it just makes me want to throttle him. I don't know if your husband feels the same as I, but whenever my STBXH does this, all I can think is, "Go stuff yourself. The good times don't mean sh*t to me, since you clearly don't value them enough to put an effort in now. And you bringing them up only reminds me of how much I'm hurting and that I'm losing you, and it p*sses me off that you're rubbing it in my face right now. I don't need you to remind me of the good times, because it's all I can think about."

That being said, I'm not surprised he didn't respond. He might in a few days; my STBXH is super slow to respond when I contact him, and it's usually because he's weighing his response carefully. Or because I p*ssed him off, and he's waiting until he's cooled down before responding.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Hmm, I would have thought I would agree with *FeministInPink*, but now that I am going through this myself - I am torn. My wife justified an affair by saying, when I look back on things, I don't see the good times like you do, I see the bad. She does not even acknowledge the good times existed! That is incredibly hard to hear because I think we shared some wonderful times. I think it would be easier on my heart for her to at least say "Yeah, we had a good run" instead of her being super cold hearted towards me. It makes me question everything. I loved being married to my wife, and honestly, I start to second guess my life because of her new attitude.

Honestly though, it probably does sting a bit to hear those words. What kind of issues are the two of you having? Have you been actively working on things by going to marriage or individual counseling?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Clawed, we're also in different situations. My STBXH was bringing it up regularly all during counseling, and I'm experiencing a lot of rage towards him right now.

Also, no one should listen to me anyway b/c I've done a lot of stupid sh*t in the last month to make things with us worse. I have a tendency to be a bull in a china shop, as my boss likes to say. I've been working on that, but I still sometimes do things I regret later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Clawed said:


> My wife justified an affair by saying, when I look back on things, I don't see the good times like you do, I see the bad. *She does not even acknowledge the good times existed!*


That's classic black/white thinking. I received the same outbursts from my stbxw, about our "differing" opinions of the good times. Good and bad can't coexist. Good times and bad people (you and I) can't go together. Those memories are thus tricks trying to make her think there were good times, but she knows better. She recognizes them as false memories of what were actually bad times.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Yes, when they've painted the left behind spouse black, there can't be good times, because that doesn't fit their narative. To justify leaving, you must be bad. If you are bad, there weren't good times, or at least not many. 

My stbxw had a bad time for every good memory I brought up. A week long vacation was a crap fest of fighting because we had an argument one evening. Whole trip ruined in her mind over a 30 minute fight.

It was a fun game. Remember when we xyz? Yes, I remember the horrible thing you did on that trip, or the next day, or blah, blah, blah.

b/w thinking. Not the sign of an emotionally mature adult.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

Unsure123 said:


> Long story short. Husband and I have been having trouble for awhile. Two months ago I told him I wanted to try separation to see if we can reconnect. We still live together as I have not found a place yet. We have three kids 10/6/4. Yesterday was our 9th wedding anniversary. I went back an forth all day trying to decide what to do. Finally decided to write him a little note, which follows. "I know you said there is nothing to celebrate, but I don't feel right saying nothing today. Hope this doesn't make anything worse. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you an the fun times we have had." I left the note where he would find it as I felt he wouldn't want me standing over him as he read it. He never mentioned it, nor did he acknowledge what the day was at all. While I tried to prepare myself for something like that, it still hurt me beyond belief. We have talked about working on our relationship, but after last night I am not sure if there is really anything to work on. Should I keep trying?


why did you want the separation in the first place? 
did you consider therapy before separation?
Is the separation more about you needing time away from him or for safety resons becasue of all the trouble you guys have been having?

i can see that he shut out your note because he is hurting, right now he doesn't know what to say. i would leave it alone, when the next fight happens he may express his feelings in regards to the note. give each other space for now. THERE is something to work on, to you the anniversary day was important, it reminded you of better days! Don't quit just yet...Be Blessed.


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## Unsure123 (Aug 10, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> What did he do before the separation for previous anniversaries?


We would do dinner, movie, or just cards an flowers.


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## Unsure123 (Aug 10, 2012)

We have been to marriage counseling. The therapist told me to run b/c he had rage issues. I have been going to individual counseling and that therapist suggested a trial separation to see if we could reconnect emotionally. Kinda like starting over with dates and finding the spark that we have lost. He won't get help, tho I have asked him to. We have trust issues and a lot of co dependent problems. He told me today that he has been monitoring my phone records. I feel very violated now and want space from him even more.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

When my X told me last year (as of yesterday) that she "didnt know what our status was" ...i didnt want a card or anything. If you dont know what i am to you, keep the card. After 13 years, if you wont seriously work to fix us, i dont want the card either. 

On another note, not sure its clear here..are you the one wanting out? why would he be looking at phone records unless he suspects an EA/PA (i did..so i always checked records--and she was).


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Unsure123 said:


> ...He told me today that he has been monitoring my phone records. I feel very violated now and want space from him even more.


I don't know your whole story. Still, if you asked him for separation, it sounds like he is trying to pull a bit of the 180 on you, and why not? 

After my ex and I separated, I was actually starting to do okay. Then I would get an email from my ex saying stuff like what your wrote, "thinking of you, remembering the good time,..." etc. All mostalgic, because I was pulling a 180 and trying to remove as much of her as possible from my life. After awhile, one of these letters actually worked on me a bit...I started to feel sad, and although she had reached out, I reached back a bit. Next thing I know she's telling people that I want her back, that she doesn't really want me right now, she's seeing someone and want to see where it goes, but maybe one day in the future. I felt like she used me once again to make herself feel better.

Maybe he thinks the same thing...doesn't want to get roped in again. If you are actually concerned and want separation, move out and leave him alone. Don't send him love letters and get pissed off when he doesn't reply. 

Ya, no doubt he's checking your phone records...you asked for separation so he probably thinks you are sleeping with someone else. You feel violated? Move out.


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## Whodathunkit (Aug 18, 2013)

My wife left, no warning, just "I'm done", a few weeks before our 14th anniversary. This is still pretty fresh. I thought for sure she'd at least acknowledge our anniversary, and I sent her flowers like I usually do, or I have them at home for her.

Nothing. Since the day she left, she doesn't even acknowledge there ever was a "we". I started the 180 and filed a few days ago.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Whodathunkit said:


> My wife left, no warning, just "I'm done", a few weeks before our 14th anniversary. This is still pretty fresh. I thought for sure she'd at least acknowledge our anniversary, and I sent her flowers like I usually do, or I have them at home for her.
> 
> Nothing. Since the day she left, she doesn't even acknowledge there ever was a "we". I started the 180 and filed a few days ago.


Sorry bro. That sucks. Strength and honor. You're doing the right stuff, but it still is tough on some days and worse on other days. Until it isn't. Sorry.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Whodathunkit said:


> My wife left, no warning, just "I'm done", a few weeks before our 14th anniversary. This is still pretty fresh. I thought for sure she'd at least acknowledge our anniversary, and I sent her flowers like I usually do, or I have them at home for her.
> 
> Nothing. Since the day she left, she doesn't even acknowledge there ever was a "we". I started the 180 and filed a few days ago.


Seems like 13 years is a magic number..very popular.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

17 years was our magic number.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unsure123 said:


> We have been to marriage counseling. The therapist told me to run b/c he had rage issues. I have been going to individual counseling and that therapist suggested a trial separation to see if we could reconnect emotionally. Kinda like starting over with dates and finding the spark that we have lost. He won't get help, tho I have asked him to. We have trust issues and a lot of co dependent problems. *He told me today that he has been monitoring my phone records. I feel very violated now and want space from him even more.*


LOL, most likely your husband is either reading this site or is actively posting on here and has his own thread. Evidently, he suspects that you are cheating on him and that he is doing the 180 to protect himself. Did you tell your husband that you loved him, but were no longer in love with him and that you needed to have some space to figure things out?


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

It is really hard to know what to do. Same thing happened for my 9th anniversary. Went by just like every holiday for prior 8 months. I got a card for him. He said nothing. Threw a silent treatment tantrum on Mother's Day (my 3rd) and our daughter is getting worse from a terminal disease. 

Now negotiating a separation agreement and yesterday dd stopped breathing. She is ok today but worse. He doesn't care. I am trash in his eyes despite the personal sacrifices I have made to care for our child. 

Move on. If he won't seek counseling he feels he is perfect. From experience you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Also if he has rage issues it would be best for your personal safety to move out asap. I was warned about being safe many times and never thought it would go that far. My rib was fractured and caring for my daughter was almost impossible. Learn from my mistake, please. Rage is a serious issue!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I my wife said she wanted a separation I'd be completely done. I wouldn't acknowledge any events at all. Definitely not an anniversary. You can't have it both ways. You're either together or your not. 

And I agree it sounds like he thinks you're cheating. Are you?


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## Unsure123 (Aug 10, 2012)

That's the thing, I am not cheating. He was upset on the phone records thing because I was texting a male coworker. I told him that I would just stop since it really bothered him. ( which I have) though I do have to say I don't tell him who he can and can't be friends with. Like I said before we have trust issues. He spent the first eight years of being together breaking the same promise over and over again. (12 yrs together, 9 yrs married) I feel like I need to separate because I can't emotionally heal from that with him in my face all the time. Not to mention he broke the promise again 3weeks ago, so all the scabs that had formed have been ripped off.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Unsure123 said:


> That's the thing, I am not cheating. He was upset on the phone records thing because I was texting a male coworker. I told him that I would just stop since it really bothered him. ( which I have) though I do have to say I don't tell him who he can and can't be friends with. Like I said before we have trust issues. He spent the first eight years of being together breaking the same promise over and over again. (12 yrs together, 9 yrs married) I feel like I need to separate because I can't emotionally heal from that with him in my face all the time. Not to mention he broke the promise again 3weeks ago, so all the scabs that had formed have been ripped off.


So why would you be surprised and feel violated when he checks the phone records? You admit that you were chatting up and texting a male co-worker, and you've asked for separation.

Then you go on to blame him for 8 yrs of broken promises. That may be true, and there is obviously more to the story....BUT....

With regards to the checking of the phone records, what he did is what any sensible man would do, given what you've exposed so far. Not surprising at all...if you were my wife, I would have my suspicions too.

If you want to separate, move out and get your own place. Don't expect him to NOT wonder what you're up to...by you staying there it's like you want him to continue to finance your life, but you want to live like a single girl. No man would be cool with that.


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## Unsure123 (Aug 10, 2012)

I can understand that. Which is what I told him. But he is also commenting on phone calls I make to my mother and other female friends. If he just checked occasionally it wouldn't be a big deal. This is every hour on every day. I could be wrong but I think that would make anyone feel under a microscope. Hopefully be out soon, have a app in on a place.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm going to tell you straight up what I think. Not trying to attack you, just trying to make sure you get the full emotional force of what you are doing.

If you want a therapist who will help you exit the marriage. I think you have found the right one. If you want someone to help save it, or at least be neutral, then you might want to shop around some more.

Look, you have told your husband you want to separate "to work on us" and you are texting another man. Do you realise the message that sends? I am not accusing you of anything, but it is a very bad look. I would be watching phone records and such for signs of an affair too. If the roles were reversed, I suspect you would.

You need to decide, are you committed to the marriage or not? And if not, then accept that just seeing you or thinking about you might be incredibly painful to him for the longest time, and give him the space he needs. 

Your note may have been the emotional equivalent of throwing acid in his face. "I don't love you, I don't want you, and I have a bond with this other guy, but happy anniversary."

Sorry.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Unsure123 said:


> We have been to marriage counseling. The therapist told me to run b/c he had rage issues. I have been going to individual counseling and that therapist suggested a trial separation to see if we could reconnect emotionally. Kinda like starting over with dates and finding the spark that we have lost. He won't get help, tho I have asked him to. We have trust issues and a lot of co dependent problems. He told me today that he has been monitoring my phone records. I feel very violated now and want space from him even more.


This is standard procedure. He is trying to find out if you separated so you could date another man. That's why many people want a separation instead of a divorce.

Separations almost always (80%) lead to divorce. If you do not want a divorce, do counseling, read the books and communicate. Both spouses have to want it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way. Several years ago, counselors had no better percentage of saving marriages than couples that didn't get counseling according to Dr Harley.

Check out his Marriage Builders website. Married folks cannot have opposite sex friends,its been proven over and over at TAM.

One of you, probably you since you left him, is going to have to take charge. It sounds like you have convinced him you are done with him. If he thinks you are involved with another man you can usually forget it.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I'm going to tell you straight up what I think. Not trying to attack you, just trying to make sure you get the full emotional force of what you are doing.
> 
> If you want a therapist who will help you exit the marriage. I think you have found the right one. If you want someone to help save it, or at least be neutral, then you might want to shop around some more.
> 
> ...


Completely agree. I dont understand what a separation accomplshes other than giving you a chance to see how life is without each other, maybe date to see if you can replace your spouse..while keeping the current spouse as plan b.


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