# Awkward



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

This might be long and I apologize in advance. I joined here just to ask this question and get some advice.

My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children. We met when we were 17 & 18 years old and married at 19 & 20, so pretty young. We are generally very happy and I would say normally have an ok-good sex life. We’ve had ups and downs over these 15 years, of course, but normally everything is pretty good. 
When my husband was a teenager he was constantly looking at porn and masturbaiting. Several times a day. When he first started having sex (with his first girlfriend) he couldn’t cum unless he pulled out and finished with his hand. They broke up and we got together. He told me his issue but I didn’t care (I didn’t think we’d be long term lol). Then one night it just happened for him normally and he was very excited. After that things slowly got better. At first he was only able to cum in certain positions but eventually he could do it in every position and even with me giving him BJs and handjobs. 

The problem is...every so often this problem pops back up. I know it can be normal but it still hurts both of us. It instantly makes me feel like he doesn’t want me and I get angry to cover my hurt feelings. I accuse him of looking at porn and wanting that instead of me. (I don’t normally have an issue with porn and understand that it’s helpful to some people. The problem is that he can’t use it in moderation. When he starts he can’t stop and it has caused us problems before.) I end up feeling embarrassed for enjoying the sex that he apparently wasn’t into. I seriously cringe thinking about every little moan and sound I made or dirty word I said because I’m thinking hat he was bored the whole time. I know that’s unreasonable but it’s how I feel.

It happened Sunday night. The last time it happened was actually almost 3 years ago. I remember because afterwards we had a big fight and then we had sex for like 2 weeks straight so he could prove himself to me and we ended up with our 3rd baby. Lol. 
Anyway, we aren’t fighting now. We talked about it last night and heard each other’s feelings and apologies flew around...but I still feel like garbage. I feel like I don’t want to have sex with him anytime soon because I feel so awkward and unattractive. I felt so great last week because my sex drive is coming back full force after stopping a certain birth control and I felt sexy and we were having fun...and now it’s ruined and the thought of having sex makes me want to cry because I’m scared he won’t be into it and I’ll be devastated again. 

Any ideas how I can get over this? How I can feel more confident and get this out of my head? And how I can help him? I know he’s going to be nervous about it too. He hates that I’m hurt over it and it makes him feel bad too. 
Unfortunately we don’t drink or do drugs so that’s out of the question. Lol.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has the porn use stopped now? if it hasn't then that's the first step.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> This might be long and I apologize in advance. I joined here just to ask this question and get some advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children. We met when we were 17 & 18 years old and married at 19 & 20, so pretty young. We are generally very happy and I would say normally have an ok-good sex life. We’ve had ups and downs over these 15 years, of course, but normally everything is pretty good.
> When my husband was a teenager he was constantly looking at porn and masturbaiting. Several times a day. When he first started having sex (with his first girlfriend) he couldn’t cum unless he pulled out and finished with his hand. They broke up and we got together. He told me his issue but I didn’t care (I didn’t think we’d be long term lol). Then one night it just happened for him normally and he was very excited. After that things slowly got better. At first he was only able to cum in certain positions but eventually he could do it in every position and even with me giving him BJs and handjobs.
> ...




Why does he need to be able to cum every and any way? Do you? 

‘The problem is...every so often this problem pops back up.’

Which problem are you referring to here? His erections? 

Porn usage can be addictive, destructive, harmless, helpful, necessary....whatever. He has to use it responsibly. But I don’t get why you ‘need him’ to come a certain way to make yourself feel better about yourself?
Why don’t you just let him be.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Has the porn use stopped now? if it hasn't then that's the first step.


He says it has...but he’s lied about it before. There was a time years ago when he would tell me that he was shopping online for my birthday/Christmas presents so I’d stay out of the room but really he was looking at porn. A few years ago (last time this happened) he was telling our kids that they could sleep in our bed with me and he was staying out on the couch and looking at porn. So that hurt. 

I am more inclined to believe him this time. Just because we have been having sex more frequently and he hasn’t had much free time to look at porn. I did just come off my period though so we hadn’t had vaginal sex in 7 days (I got him off 3 times other ways during that week). Then when we finally could have regular sex, he couldn’t finish...again, that hurt my feelings pretty bad.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Why does he need to be able to cum every and any way? Do you?
> 
> ‘The problem is...every so often this problem pops back up.’
> 
> ...


It’s not so much that he needs to be able to do it every and any way. It’s that we are having sex and he’s moving me around into different positions because he’s trying to find something that feels good enough to make him orgasm but can’t. So eventually he starts to lose his erection and it’s this awkward “do we keep trying or give up” feeling. He could possibly finish himself by hand but in that moment I’m usually hurt and angry and thinking that he’s already rubbed all the feeling off his **** with his hand so I’m not in an understanding mood. 

The porn and masturbation is the reason he had this problem in the beginning so it’s a sensitive subject. If it wasn’t then I’d be perfectly fine to let him finish by hand. We’ve been lazy and laid next to each other for mutual masturbation before. He’s ask to just jerk off on me before. That’s fine. That’s hot. It’s just when he *can’t* make it happen during sex that he starts feeling frustrated and I start feeling hurt.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> The problem is...every so often this problem pops back up. I know it can be normal but it still hurts both of us. It instantly makes me feel like he doesn’t want me and I get angry to cover my hurt feelings.


It can happen for a lot of reasons. I can't say exactly what's going on in your case but I'll say this.

First off, I would say when you first got together he was probably just nervous. That happens with a lot of guys and sometimes with me. When I first met my wife, sometimes I had a difficult time. It's physiological, performance anxiety. Now I'm pretty much normal with her. That being said sometimes I'm just super beat down. I go to the gym and lift weights three times a week and on occasion it kills my energy and maybe my hormone levels too. Whatever the case with him, if he has some issue and you react to it badly you can make things worse. It's possible he'll start worry about it more and more and you will have a bigger problem. I recommend you try saying something like "It's OK you're just tired". 

Of course it might be something else. It could be a medical problem or it could have something to do with porn usage. However unless you know for sure it's something that he actually has control over, getting mad and/or acting hurt is going to do more harm than good.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> It can happen for a lot of reasons. I can't say exactly what's going on in your case but I'll say this.
> 
> First off, I would say when you first got together he was probably just nervous. That happens with a lot of guys and sometimes with me. When I first met my wife, sometimes I had a difficult time. It's physiological, performance anxiety. Now I'm pretty much normal with her. That being said sometimes I'm just super beat down. I go to the gym and lift weights three times a week and on occasion it kills my energy and maybe my hormone levels too. Whatever the case with him, if he has some issue and you react to it badly you can make things worse. It's possible he'll start worry about it more and more and you will have a bigger problem. I recommend you try saying something like "It's OK you're just tired".
> 
> Of course it might be something else. It could be a medical problem or it could have something to do with porn usage. However unless you know for sure it's something that he actually has control over, getting mad and/or acting hurt is going to do more harm than good.


I know. I want to be understanding and nice about it because it absolutely does make things worse for him...the problem is that I know it started with his porn use so I instantly get upset. He was addicted to porn back when he couldn’t orgasm except by his own hand and the few times it’s happened since then (except Sunday night...according to him) is when he’s been regularly masturbating instead of having sex with me (for whatever reason). So while the rational part of my brain knows that it would be better if I calmly tell him it’s ok, the hurt side just thinks “yep, he’s probably back at the porn and would rather go jerk off than have sex with you” and I get angry and short with him. I was actually proud of myself Sunday because I didn’t say anything overly mean but he knew I was upset because I just jumped up and said “Ok, if you can’t, you can’t.” and then left the room. Not a great reaction but better than the horrible things that I wanted to say. 

Mostly I’m looking for ideas to take the stress off the next time we have sex. It’s goign to be on our minds. I’m going to be scared to enjoy myself and he’s going to be worried that he won’t be able to finish again.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

You may be looking at it backwards. He may not be 100% comfortable with you so it's easier to go to porn. With a fantasy girl in his head, there is no pressure on him. If I had to guess I would say his problems are most likely due to anxiety. Statistically that is the most common issue. Sometimes women think guys should always be sex machines and ready to go. That idea tends to be pushed out by popular culture, and often in a negative way. This is of course far from reality. Many guys have issues just like many women.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> You may be looking at it backwards. He may not be 100% comfortable with you so it's easier to go to porn. With a fantasy girl in his head, there is no pressure on him. If I had to guess I would say his problems are most likely due to anxiety. Statistically that is the most common issue. Sometimes women think guys should always be sex machines and ready to go. That idea tends to be pushed out by popular culture, and often in a negative way. This is of course far from reality. Many guys have issues just like many women.


I really, really doubt it’s that. We’ve been together for 15 years. We’ve been having sex for 17ish years (friends with benefits at first). Have 3 kids together. Shared sexual fantasies with each other... I would say we are as comfortable with each other as a couple can get.

I should reiterate... This rarely ever happens now. It used to be all the time but that was way back when we first got together. Before Sunday the last time he couldn’t finish from intercourse was almost 3 years ago. I’m just looking for advice on how we can make things less awkward the next time we have sex. I know we have to try again but I know we’ll both be thinking about the failure Sunday night and worried that it’ll happen again instead of enjoying ourselves.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’m usually hurt and angry and thinking that he’s already rubbed all the feeling off his **** with his hand so I’m not in an understanding mood.
> 
> The porn and masturbation is the reason he had this problem in the beginning


I'd bet it still is.



> I’m just looking for advice on how we can make things less awkward the next time we have sex. I know we have to try again but I know we’ll both be thinking about the failure Sunday night and worried that it’ll happen again instead of enjoying ourselves.


This may not be easy, but what might help is not to think of what happened as "failure".


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Laurentium said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I’m usually hurt and angry and thinking that he’s already rubbed all the feeling off his **** with his hand so I’m not in an understanding mood.
> ...


You’re definitely right about that last part. It’s hard not to think of it as a failure because we both hate it and it makes us both feel like failures. It would make things much easier if we could just shrug it off.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you ever reach the point that both or either of you feel that it is a recurrent problem, then I'd recommend sexual counseling together!

It certainly couldn't do any harm, and might just offer up a solution!*


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> He says it has...but he’s lied about it before. There was a time years ago when he would tell me that he was shopping online for my birthday/Christmas presents so I’d stay out of the room but really he was looking at porn. A few years ago (last time this happened) he was telling our kids that they could sleep in our bed with me and he was staying out on the couch and looking at porn. So that hurt.
> 
> I am more inclined to believe him this time. Just because we have been having sex more frequently and he hasn’t had much free time to look at porn. I did just come off my period though so we hadn’t had vaginal sex in 7 days (I got him off 3 times other ways during that week). Then when we finally could have regular sex, he couldn’t finish...again, that hurt my feelings pretty bad.


Masturbation itself is most likely the issue, not porn per se. Porn is usually just a visual aid to come quicker. But even if he came without porn and then had sex with you same day or next, it would most likely still take him ages to come. 
I usually come quicker and have stronger orgasms if I haven't masturbated for a few days. It's just the way the body works.
I think you might be 'angry' because you think that those girls in porn might turn him on more than you. *That's not how porn works for most guys.*
We don't masturbate to people, it's more about imagining the act. It's not like 'yeah, I really want to **** that girl on screen/wish my wife was that hot'. 
Really isn't like this.
I think there are two issues as far as I can see: your husband may be masturbates a bit too much (or older men find it harder to orgasm) and you have insecurities about him watching porn. Also he maybe feels the pressure of having to prove to you that he can come in the way that you are expecting him to come.
I still am not sure why it's important to you. I thought it's a positive thing when guys don't finish too quickly? 
Why don't you just have a good time from PIV yourself with him (and enjoy the fact that he can go on for a long time) and then finish him manually? (or let him finish manually). I don't think it's a particularly unusual way to enjoy sex...so...enjoy it!


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a general belief that women often have trouble having an O, but guys always can. While that is more often true than not, there are a fair number of men who have a difficult time, or can't O during intercourse. 

One cause for this is nervousness about not finishing - its a lot like ED that way. 

I don't know if there is a porn issue, but this is a problem that can crop up without any porn.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

So your question is how to handle the next time. How about telling him he can't have an orgasm. Make it a game, to see how many nights he can go to the edge and not tip over. You can do the same, or you can have him only pleasure you. However you do it since his not coming is causing you to feel bad, take orgasms off the table and concentrate on just the pleasure part and lovingly connecting. look into Karezza or Tantric sex. Look up Senate focus exercises. Take the focus off of orgasms until you can work through the emotions and find a healthier way to handle this issue. As men age, this problem naturally starts to happen for many men. So you may be dealing with this off and on throughout your marriage. Working on this can bring you closer together or drive a wedge between you. Your Choice.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> This might be long and I apologize in advance. I joined here just to ask this question and get some advice.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and have 3 children. We met when we were 17 & 18 years old and married at 19 & 20, so pretty young. We are generally very happy and I would say normally have an ok-good sex life. We’ve had ups and downs over these 15 years, of course, but normally everything is pretty good.
> When my husband was a teenager he was constantly looking at porn and masturbaiting. Several times a day. When he first started having sex (with his first girlfriend) he couldn’t cum unless he pulled out and finished with his hand. They broke up and we got together. He told me his issue but I didn’t care (I didn’t think we’d be long term lol). Then one night it just happened for him normally and he was very excited. After that things slowly got better. At first he was only able to cum in certain positions but eventually he could do it in every position and even with me giving him BJs and handjobs.
> ...


Does he compulsively watch porn? Even if he doesn't, it can become compulsive over time. And if he already does so compulsively, then he might even need help to stop watching porn. You could talk to him about that while making it clear to him that you're not judging and want to help. For example, if he needs a screen-blocking app or filtered browser on his phone, his tablet, or computer, you could consider that. You could let him know that you love him and are willing to help him and that you will support any decision he makes (within the boundaries of your marriage of course) to get a handle on it. Some Options include:

Screentime
Mobicip
K9
Circle with Disney

And many other options. He might come up with other solutions too. In the end, since he's the one with the problem, while you can suggest solutions, he will have to decide what solution will work for him.

Of course blocking porn does not prevent compulsive masturbation. Again, if the masturbation is compulsive, you could encourage chastity play. Make a game out of how long he can abstain. Sex toys exist for chastity play too. In extreme cases, he could even consider SAA, SA, or some other twelve-step group. some people think of twelve-step groups for sex addiction as just for rapists, child molesters, and sex buyers. In reality though, most participants just struggle with porn or compulsive masturbation.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> You’re definitely right about that last part. It’s hard not to think of it as a failure because we both hate it and it makes us both feel like failures. It would make things much easier if we could just shrug it off.


I'm just brainstorming here, but I'm wondering how an abstinence game would work between you. Essentially, you both compete to see who can go without sex the longest before he breaks. Ground rules: no porn, no masturbation. The first one to break cooks a special meal on his first day off work or some other reward for the winner. Since the competition involves abstaining from sex, that removes performance anxiety. But since no porn or masturbation are allowed, you'll both eventually become quite willing.

For a porn addict, the game might even have a therapeutic effect in teaching self-control.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

His is about you and not him. You are feeling insecure. You are feeling less attractive. I think a problem we all have is that we don’t obly want to be thebonly person our partner lives, but also the sexiest person in the world to them. Yeah, we aren’t. There is literally 1 sexiest person in the world and whomever that is feels insecure as well.

Best bet is to not try to change him, but work with him. Don’t make him hate himself because you feel bad about yourself. Watch porn with him. Enjoy him enjoying it and he can enjoy you enjoying it. Life is too short to make issues like this important.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> I know we have to try again but I know we’ll both be thinking about the failure Sunday night and worried that it’ll happen again instead of enjoying ourselves.


I guess that's the point. It's not that unusual, depending on diet, hormone levels, stress, physical exertion etc. Oddly enough sometimes porn helps. I'm wondering if it's really one time in a long while, why are you making such a big deal about if it? I'm 55 and once in a while it happens to me, but then on occasion my wife doesn't orgasm either. We just laugh and blow it off and next time I get some more sleep or take some vitamins and I'm good to go. It's not a huge deal, so why make it one? IMO it can actually become a real problem if you continue to obsess about it.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > He says it has...but he’s lied about it before. There was a time years ago when he would tell me that he was shopping online for my birthday/Christmas presents so I’d stay out of the room but really he was looking at porn. A few years ago (last time this happened) he was telling our kids that they could sleep in our bed with me and he was staying out on the couch and looking at porn. So that hurt.
> ...


Thank you for this. The rational side of my brain knows that porn is just visual but the emotional side still gets hurt by it. Again, it goes back to when he’s made me feel like he’s choosing it over me. Before we had kids I was always up for sex so when he’d lock himself in the bedroom to look at porn and jerk off, I didn’t understand it and felt rejected. I think part of the problem in that I’m someone who can orgasm multiple times and he’s obviously not. So I could masturbate all day and still be ready for him but since he can’t, it feels like a waste to me. Like he wasted his orgasm without checking to see if I want to have sex, which feels like he’s picking that over me. 

As to why it’s important to me that he can orgasm through intercourse...I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be important. Lol. Doesn’t everyone want to believe that their partner enjoys having sex with them? Men want their partners to enjoy their penis and women want their partners to enjoy their vagina...right? If he can’t orgasm by having intercourse with me, doesn’t that mean that my vagina doesn’t feel “good enough” to him? When he first started being able to orgasm through intercourse it became a pride thing. He’d talk about how it had never happened for him before and that his ex never could get him there...so the odd times when I can’t get him there I can’t help but feel insecure. I don’t feel like sex is done unless he orgasms. Which is weird because I can not orgasm and be fine or he can make me orgasm 3 times but I still don’t feel done until he finishes.
Regardless, I am probably unintentionally exaggerating. This does not happen often! It used to when we first started having sex (maybe the first year or so) but now he normally orgasms pretty quickly unless he’s trying to prolong it. We do lots of different things in bed and he has finished with his hand, my hand, my mouth...everything. I don’t mind it and like it. It’s only when he stops and says that he can’t orgasm that we both get upset. I do think it’s definitely something we should work on together though.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

It is done. Lol. That was a quick dry spell. It wasn’t too bad. I told him that I just wanted to makeout and fool around so we did lots of foreplay and I brought my A game. He was done pretty quick. 

I do wonder if he’s just getting old. I went off birth control last year because it was hurting my sex drive (we use condoms). We used to have sex multiple times a day before kids (and birth control) but then it went down to 2-3 times a week when I was on birth control pills and then even further down to maybe 1 a week when I was on the depo shot. So now I’m off the birth control and my hormones are finally going back to normal, I’m wanting it more and feeling more loving. Maybe it’s just too much for him now. Last time I wanted sex like this was over 10 years ago. Maybe I should go back to the birth control pills to give him a break. 

Again, I’m probably being over dramatic.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

We ended up staying up late and talking and having sex again. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t be able to finish since it was his second time in an hour or so and I didn’t want him to feel bad so I offered a role play fantasy that he can’t resist (pretended to be a certain high school teacher he had a crush on). Again, he had no problems.
I’m thinking that Sunday night was just him being tired. He told me that he wasn’t feeling great that night and even mentioned not doing anything but then he changed his mind because he said it seemed like I wanted it. I think he has a hard time saying no because his mind is always ready even when his body is not. I’m thinking we might have this issue more often now that my drive is higher than it has been in the last 10 years. We should probably talk about how we can change our reactions to it.


----------



## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Doesn’t everyone want to believe that their partner enjoys having sex with them? Men want their partners to enjoy their penis and women want their partners to enjoy their vagina...right?


YES


LeananSidhe said:


> If he can’t orgasm by having intercourse with me, doesn’t that mean that my vagina doesn’t feel “good enough” to him?


NO in my experience. Yes, orgasms are great and I love them. But the sexual part of lovemaking is over at that point, and we move on to the post-orgasms cuddling. Sometime I like NOT to orgasm as it extends the sexual part, feel sexual all day, then maybe finish that night. Yes, I'm older than you two.


LeananSidhe said:


> so the odd times when I can’t get him there I can’t help but feel insecure. I don’t feel like sex is done unless he orgasms. Which is weird because I can not orgasm and be fine


It may be that the sexual part of your marriage is actually opening up to new possibilities for both of you. It certainly sounds like your sexual interest is ramping up. I'd love it if my wife wanted more orgasms, and frankly, I wouldn't care if I was able to match her orgasm for orgasm. And duh, I couldn't anyhow. Enjoy the ride and try to be open to where it may take both of you.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Randy2 said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > Doesn’t everyone want to believe that their partner enjoys having sex with them? Men want their partners to enjoy their penis and women want their partners to enjoy their vagina...right?
> ...


Thank you! I must say, I am loving getting feedback on this from men. I think it’s helping me feel more confident and secure. When my husband says similar things to me, I can’t help but feel like he’s just trying to spare my feelings but strangers on the internet have nothing to gain or lose so it’s easier to believe. Kind of like the difference between your mom telling you you’re pretty and a stranger telling you. Lol. 
I would never be able to be this open about sex with anyone in real life (besides husband). Male or female. 

It’s weird to think of new sexual possibilities. I don’t know why. Not bad at all...just strange. I think maybe because we’ve been together for a long time. It seems like we’ve done everything already (short of other people and I have no interest in that). It does make sense though that things would evolve and change in time so I am open to the idea of things changing some. He’s mentioned before wanting to just get me off sometimes without him orgasming but he’s never been able to show enough restraint. 
I think some of his tiredness might be because of me feeling more affectionate. When I was on the depo shot I was very standoffish. I tried to be more loving and sexual but it was always “fake it til you make it”. I would never initiate sex and if he didn’t initiate then I’d be perfectly happy to go days or weeks without it. So on those odd days where I didn’t immediately pass out in bed and seemed open to being close to him, he took that as a sign to try to have sex. Now that my hormones are back to normal (no more hormonal birth control for me) and I’m feeling much happier and more affectionate, I think he is still conditioned to try to have sex every time I hold his hand or scratch his back even if he’s not really in the mood for it. If that makes sense....


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> It’s weird to think of new sexual possibilities. I don’t know why. Not bad at all...just strange. I think maybe because we’ve been together for a long time. It seems like we’ve done everything already (short of other people and I have no interest in that). It does make sense though that things would evolve and change in time so I am open to the idea of things changing some.


Kegel exercises can also make a big difference in case you're not already doing that.


----------



## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

The porn is his physical problem, not the emotional connection problem for why he uses the porn. 
Choking the chicken to pixelated women will make him less imaginative when it comes to actual sex, less sensitive due to friction and grip, desensitized to a partners feelings and physical limitations, and over time might help bring on erecrile dysfunction. It’s not good for a healthy penis and sex life. 
Where is the disconnect in the sex life? Sounds like some incompatibility. I do not use porn, I have a sexually submissive wife who I appreciate and adore and who is eager to please me just as I am eager to please her. I’d feel guilty masturbating because I know I could get gratification from her unless she is sick or out of town. If I want to try something or want some specific act she will do it with enthusiasm. Plus, I don’t get hard up, she makes sure to give me a release in way or another about 5 times per week. I’d say talk with him to figure out what is lacking, and come to some compromises on improving the sex life.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Steve1000 said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > It’s weird to think of new sexual possibilities. I don’t know why. Not bad at all...just strange. I think maybe because we’ve been together for a long time. It seems like we’ve done everything already (short of other people and I have no interest in that). It does make sense though that things would evolve and change in time so I am open to the idea of things changing some.
> ...


Thanks. I’ve been doing them for years. I even bought those Ben Wa balls a couple years ago. Lol.
I do agree that they help!


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

JayDee7 said:


> The porn is his physical problem, not the emotional connection problem for why he uses the porn.
> Choking the chicken to pixelated women will make him less imaginative when it comes to actual sex, less sensitive due to friction and grip, desensitized to a partners feelings and physical limitations, and over time might help bring on erecrile dysfunction. It’s not good for a healthy penis and sex life.
> Where is the disconnect in the sex life? Sounds like some incompatibility. I do not use porn, I have a sexually submissive wife who I appreciate and adore and who is eager to please me just as I am eager to please her. I’d feel guilty masturbating because I know I could get gratification from her unless she is sick or out of town. If I want to try something or want some specific act she will do it with enthusiasm. Plus, I don’t get hard up, she makes sure to give me a release in way or another about 5 times per week. I’d say talk with him to figure out what is lacking, and come to some compromises on improving the sex life.


He says there’s no porn this time. The porn problems were from years ago. When we first got married (and I was having sex with him all the time), he’d sneak and watch porn and masturbate when he was just feeling lazy. I guess he just wanted a quick orgasm without having to worry about me. He had problems orgasming back then during sex. As a teenager he looked at porn and masturbated several times a day so when he started having sex he couldn’t orgasm. We tried to watch porn together but it never worked out because he can’t seem to do things in moderation and he started needing porn every time and I wasn’t ok with that. It caused lots of fights. 
Things got much better and he was able to start orgasming normally. Then a few years ago we went through a sex dry spell (kids and exhaustion) and he started using porn again and started masturbating every night instead of coming to bed with me. And once again started having problems orgasming from sex. Stopped the porn and was able to get it back. 
He hasn’t had any problems with orgasming since then (2015) except for Sunday night. I do mostly believe him that it’s not porn this time. Just because he doesn’t have much time (he’s rarely alone now that I’m a SAHM and we go to bed together every night) and we’ve been having sex a lot. I don’t feel like anything is lacking (especially since I’ve been wanting sex a lot) but more that he was just tired that night. 
I was honestly still a little hurt and angry when I made the original post. Now that I’m calmer (and satisfied sexually lol) I can see that he was probably just exhausted that night.


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> Thanks. I’ve been doing them for years. I even bought those Ben Wa balls a couple years ago. Lol.
> I do agree that they help!


Your husband definitely has a very willing partner. I suggest that you remove any pressure from him to "finish" for three weeks and he refrain from masturbation for those three weeks. 

One more note, even though he was recently unable to finish, I think that he still must have really enjoyed your sound effects. Don't punish him by preventing yourself from verbally expressing your pleasure.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I really just want to know how Harry Dresden is. 

Please tell Mr. Butcher his new story is long overdue.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Steve1000 said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks. I’ve been doing them for years. I even bought those Ben Wa balls a couple years ago. Lol.
> ...


We’ve had our sexual ups and downs but we’ve always maintained a strong foundation. I figured out last year that hormonal birth control was effecting my sex drive so I went off it and now my drive is back full blast. I feel like I did when we were 19 but I think he might still feel 35. Lol. 

Realistically, I know that even those rare times he can’t finish he still enjoys sex with me. I know he enjoys my sounds and words. I know he finds me very attractive. It’s just right in that moment that every single insecurity that I’ve ever had comes crashing down on my head. That’s definitely my issue and not his. 

Thanks so much!


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> I really just want to know how Harry Dresden is.
> 
> Please tell Mr. Butcher his new story is long overdue.


Sadly, this reference went completely over my head. I had to google it and spent some time reading the wiki page. The strangest thing is that my real name is Lea! Lol.
I picked the screen name because I had a book about faeries when I was a teenager and Leanan Sidhe was my favorite. Probably because I was a conservative, repressed teen and she seduced men.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> Sadly, this reference went completely over my head. I had to google it and spent some time reading the wiki page. The strangest thing is that my real name is Lea! Lol.
> I picked the screen name because I had a book about faeries when I was a teenager and Leanan Sidhe was my favorite. Probably because I was a conservative, repressed teen and she seduced men.


I was showing my nerdy side and just assumed you were a fan.

On to your situation.

I used to have a huge problem with porn. It absolutely affected my ability to maintain and finish. As I got older, the problem could last for a day or two after porn use. 

My concern would be that he is using again.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> Thank you for this. The rational side of my brain knows that porn is just visual but the emotional side still gets hurt by it. Again, it goes back to when he’s made me feel like he’s choosing it over me. Before we had kids I was always up for sex so when he’d lock himself in the bedroom to look at porn and jerk off, I didn’t understand it and felt rejected. I think part of the problem in that I’m someone who can orgasm multiple times and he’s obviously not. So I could masturbate all day and still be ready for him but since he can’t, it feels like a waste to me. Like he wasted his orgasm without checking to see if I want to have sex, which feels like he’s picking that over me.
> 
> As to why it’s important to me that he can orgasm through intercourse...I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be important. Lol. Doesn’t everyone want to believe that their partner enjoys having sex with them? Men want their partners to enjoy their penis and women want their partners to enjoy their vagina...right? If he can’t orgasm by having intercourse with me, doesn’t that mean that my vagina doesn’t feel “good enough” to him?


Not necessarily. Orgasm is not always the end goal. I thought women would know this better than men 

I do know where you are coming from. And I think it's nice you want him to have his best orgasms with you. I responded to your post deliberately in that way because there are sometimes posts like yours but by men (who want their spouse to orgasm a certain way, say from oral, but she can't, for whatever reason. Then if the guy keeps being persistent they compare him to a sexually abusive husband. It's crazy.) Anyway...



LeananSidhe said:


> When he first started being able to orgasm through intercourse it became a pride thing. He’d talk about how it had never happened for him before and that his ex never could get him there...so the odd times when I can’t get him there I can’t help but feel insecure. I don’t feel like sex is done unless he orgasms. Which is weird because I can not orgasm and be fine or he can make me orgasm 3 times but I still don’t feel done until he finishes.
> Regardless, I am probably unintentionally exaggerating. This does not happen often! It used to when we first started having sex (maybe the first year or so) but now he normally orgasms pretty quickly unless he’s trying to prolong it. We do lots of different things in bed and he has finished with his hand, my hand, my mouth...everything. I don’t mind it and like it. It’s only when he stops and says that he can’t orgasm that we both get upset. I do think it’s definitely something we should work on together though.


Yes, women's sexual libido seems to have more 'reactive'-like properties. As in, it reacts to what the man's libido is projecting. (A little bit like an echo). But because the man's libido is the leading one, things tend to fall apart a little bit when he starts to lose direction (or doesn't finish).
I personally need sex every 2 days. Every day would be nice when on holiday and there's nothing else on my mind... But if it's too frequent, I would probably find it hard to finish quickly too. I am 37 and feel it has slowed down a little. I imagine later on, it will slow down even more. I imagine his libido has probably slowed down as well.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> We ended up staying up late and talking and having sex again. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t be able to finish since it was his second time in an hour or so and I didn’t want him to feel bad so I offered a role play fantasy that he can’t resist (pretended to be a certain high school teacher he had a crush on). Again, he had no problems.
> I’m thinking that Sunday night was just him being tired. He told me that he wasn’t feeling great that night and even mentioned not doing anything but then he changed his mind because he said it seemed like I wanted it. I think he has a hard time saying no because his mind is always ready even when his body is not. I’m thinking we might have this issue more often now that my drive is higher than it has been in the last 10 years. We should probably talk about how we can change our reactions to it.


Wow, you guys seem to have a lot of time for this. Good for you! :smthumbup:


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> He says there’s no porn this time. The porn problems were from years ago. When we first got married (and I was having sex with him all the time), he’d sneak and watch porn and masturbate when he was just feeling lazy. I guess he just wanted a quick orgasm without having to worry about me. He had problems orgasming back then during sex. As a teenager he looked at porn and masturbated several times a day so when he started having sex he couldn’t orgasm. We tried to watch porn together but it never worked out because he can’t seem to do things in moderation and he started needing porn every time and I wasn’t ok with that. It caused lots of fights.
> Things got much better and he was able to start orgasming normally. Then a few years ago we went through a sex dry spell (kids and exhaustion) and he started using porn again and started masturbating every night instead of coming to bed with me. And once again started having problems orgasming from sex. Stopped the porn and was able to get it back.
> He hasn’t had any problems with orgasming since then (2015) except for Sunday night. I do mostly believe him that it’s not porn this time. Just because he doesn’t have much time (he’s rarely alone now that I’m a SAHM and we go to bed together every night) and we’ve been having sex a lot. I don’t feel like anything is lacking (especially since I’ve been wanting sex a lot) but more that he was just tired that night.
> I was honestly still a little hurt and angry when I made the original post. Now that I’m calmer (and satisfied sexually lol) I can see that he was probably just exhausted that night.


Forgive me for saying this but I think your marriage might be one of those rare instances where you have a higher drive than your husband. Ok, it's not that rare but less frequent than when the sexes are reversed (from what I noticed here. And in personal life...). It doesn't mean he doesn't find you as desirable, just that you guys seem to be having a lot of sex...And maybe he doesn't have enough time to regenerate his juices...I think men have a limit (I have never hit it but I heard it exists).


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> We’ve had our sexual ups and downs but we’ve always maintained a strong foundation. I figured out last year that hormonal birth control was effecting my sex drive so I went off it and now my drive is back full blast. I feel like I did when we were 19 but I think he might still feel 35. Lol.
> 
> Realistically, I know that even those rare times he can’t finish he still enjoys sex with me. I know he enjoys my sounds and words. I know he finds me very attractive. It’s just right in that moment that every single insecurity that I’ve ever had comes crashing down on my head. That’s definitely my issue and not his.
> 
> Thanks so much!


Can I ask what contraceptions do you use instead? Also do you find that your sex drive varies within the cycle? 
I am having sometimes difficulties appreciating the female cycle. My attraction seems to always be the same whereas my wife's definitely yo-yos (sometimes insanely). I don't quite get this.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > We’ve had our sexual ups and downs but we’ve always maintained a strong foundation. I figured out last year that hormonal birth control was effecting my sex drive so I went off it and now my drive is back full blast. I feel like I did when we were 19 but I think he might still feel 35. Lol.
> ...


We are currently using condoms, which we both hate...but having hot sex with a condom 4-5 times a week is much better than having duty sex 2-4 times a month. I do constantly fantasize about ditching the condoms though....sigh. 
The plan is for him to get a vasectomy soon but I keep going back and forth on that because I don’t want anything to change down there with him. I know it’s not supposed to but I feel protective of “it”. Lol. He wants it done though so it will probably be done in a couple months. 

As far as my cycle goes...I don’t really know. Maybe I should start keeping track of that for science. I do know that about a week before my period I normally start slowing down sexually and feeling “off”. Normally because of PMS symptoms like bloating, backache... The rest of the cycle feels pretty steady though. I don’t like period sex but even during my period I’ve still been up for fooling around in other ways (not on the first 2 days when I feel like dying of course). 
All women (and men) are different of course.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> We are currently using condoms, which we both hate...but having hot sex with a condom 4-5 times a week is much better than having duty sex 2-4 times a month. I do constantly fantasize about ditching the condoms though....sigh.
> The plan is for him to get a vasectomy soon but I keep going back and forth on that because I don’t want anything to change down there with him. I know it’s not supposed to but I feel protective of “it”. Lol. He wants it done though so it will probably be done in a couple months.


You really got him by the balls :smile2: 
I was considering vasectomy but read some horror stories. (Even from members of this site). I don't want my wife to do anything surgical. Or take anything hormone-related (pill). I used to use the very 'safe and reliable' method of pulling out.:circle: But I don't think this is a good idea anymore...



LeananSidhe said:


> As far as my cycle goes...I don’t really know. Maybe I should start keeping track of that for science. I do know that about a week before my period I normally start slowing down sexually and feeling “off”. Normally because of PMS symptoms like bloating, backache... The rest of the cycle feels pretty steady though. I don’t like period sex but even during my period I’ve still been up for fooling around in other ways (not on the first 2 days when I feel like dying of course).
> All women (and men) are different of course.


Something terrible happens to my wife about a week before her period. She really hates my guts. The difference is quite shocking. I thought maybe the pill in her case might actually smooth out those peaks and troughs but I read there's increased risk of cancer.


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> You really got him by the balls
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ugh. Something going wrong is my biggest fear. I thought about getting a tubal but my husband didn’t want me to have to do that and I worried that it might mess up my sex drive. 
Good luck with that pull out method! Lol. I got pregnant with our 3rd baby while consistently taking birth control pills so we are always scared now. 



> Something terrible happens to my wife about a week before her period. She really hates my guts. The difference is quite shocking. I thought maybe the pill in her case might actually smooth out those peaks and troughs but I read there's increased risk of cancer.


The pill could smooth them out...she could hate your guts all month long! That’s how it happened with me. Not so much with the pill but the depo shot was BAD for me.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> The pill could smooth them out...she could hate your guts all month long! That’s how it happened with me. Not so much with the pill but the depo shot was BAD for me.


oh god, please, no. When you say that you both dislike condoms: does it feel worse for women as well? I thought only guys were affected...

I have't used condoms much; my wife has been having kids (or nursing) pretty much non stop for the last 7 years (we have 3 now). So aside from pulling out, we used 'nature's' contraception. But now I need to do some brainstorming...

Vasectomy seemed like the obvious choice. But it's painful. And pain can last for years plus other complications. Doesn't seem worth the risk somehow.
Plus I worry my 'soldiers' will still find a way to get out somehow or will cause damage on the inside. I think they have tools...:banghead::gun:


----------



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> oh god, please, no. When you say that you both dislike condoms: does it feel worse for women as well? I thought only guys were affected...
> 
> I have't used condoms much; my wife has been having kids (or nursing) pretty much non stop for the last 7 years (we have 3 now). So aside from pulling out, we used 'nature's' contraception. But now I need to do some brainstorming...
> 
> ...


I don’t really know how to explain how condoms feel to me. It definitely still feels good but without a condom feels...warmer? I don’t know. I’m also really turned on by the thought and feeling of him finishing inside me so that’s part of it. He does still do that sometimes but it’s not the same with a condom. 

We only planned on having 2 kids and ended up with 3 so we are trying to be very careful. We love our little 3rd but definitely don’t want a 4th! 
You are lucky that breastfeeding has worked for birth control for you. My cycle came back at 3 months postpartum even with nursing. I’m actually still nursing our youngest.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Bad influence here.

My wife had a tubal ligation. I have not seen any reliable information which indicates it has any affect on sex drive. It has no known affect on hormones.

My wife claims it increased her sex drive, psychologically freeing her from the concern about pregnancy.

She had a terrible in law who ridiculed her about it, saying I could dump her and get a real woman to have more babies.

I had a vasectomy the next month.

I admit, I did have complications, but only minor. Certainly nothing that compromised our sex life.

Sex without orgasms. I have often done so. My wife can have so many more than I, I skip having them often. Especially as we get older. I can only manage a handful a week now, at 64, while Mary seems to have no limit.

Being lied to is tough. It hurts. Don’t overlook addressing that issue. I suspect that hurts you when your husband doesn’t have an orgasm, rather than the mere fact he didn’t. You may think of the times he excluded you.

Dealing with lies is hard. Very hard.

Good luck.


----------

