# Do I choose him or my mental health?



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

Hi. My husband and I are in our mid-20's, we've been married less than 2 years. Since he was overseas in the military, we didn't get to live together until a year into the marriage. We were still happy, the distance didn't really affect the relationship and it was great, the best time of my life.

When I did move in with him (thousands of miles away from anyone I've ever known), I'd neglected to treat my mental health. Eventually I blew up, anything he did bothered me and I started to write my mother on FB to vent. I said really awful things, blowing things out of proportion. He found the messages and it crushed him. We weren't really speaking and it got so bad for me that I ended up in a psych ward because I was considering ending my life. After that, though, I've gotten help and he's been very supportive, and we agreed to stay together.

It's been 6 months since all this started. Things have gotten better, but there's still a huge distance between us. He doesn't really treat me like a wife, it feels like we are friends living together. He shows no attraction to me, no passion and our sex life is non-existent (we haven't had sex in close to 3 months). He shows more love to his friends and to my dog that to me. I struggle with telling him what I need, trying to regain his trust, the guilt of what I did and the pain of our relationship. My depression has gone into remission but it's coming back, for no other reason than the marriage situation.

I told him all this today. He told me he doesn't know how to act the same as before, that he doesn't know how to get back to that. He said he doesn't know if it will ever happen. He keeps telling me to move on with my life even though I tell him I am, the relationship is all that is messing me up. I don't know what to do. I love him, I want nothing more than to regain what we had but it seems less possible as time goes on. He's going to be leaving for close to a year due to his job, and I'm scared that it's going to kill our marriage. 

I don't know what to do, how to fix things, or to just give up and call it quits. My bipolar disorder destroyed my marriage and I have no idea what to do now.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

You are still young. I think you should call it quits and work on your health issues. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be.

Sorry to be pessimistic, but this is my advice.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I'm barely 24 and screwed up my marriage in a year and a half.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Don't beat yourself up! You also have mental health issues so being unstable is not your fault. At least you recognize it and you are trying to do something about it. 

24 is very, very young. You can be expected to get everything right at that age!


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He will not be able to come back around until he knows he can trust that you won't hurt him. You didn't really mess anything up in a year and a half. You just didn't have a strong enough foundation to endure a very difficult marital situation. The military life and deployments are easy on relationships! 

This isn't anyone's fault, but it's critical to take care of yourself. You can't take care of your relationship if you're at risk.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Have you asked your husband if he loves you? He certainly doesn't based on his actions. But I'm also wonder what actions have you taken to show him that you love him.

Love is MORE about actions than it is about words!

Have you two considered marriage counseling?


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I've been trying to show how much I love him since the problems started. I apologized right away, went to therapy because he wanted me to better myself (I'm going now for myself, but at the time I was so low that I did it more for him than for my own well being). I've been affectionate as possible, hugs and kisses and being grateful he's given me another chance. I talk about our future often and try to be as responsible and considerate of him as I can. 

That being said, I don't think he sees us together anymore. Whenever he talks about bills, money, future, etc. he doesn't seem to include me much. Whenever I have tried to ask him how he feels, he says he still loves me, and before last night he'd say that all he needed was time and he could see us back to normal some day. I try not to push him or pressure him, since I know I hurt him and he needs to heal. He says he knows I'm trying, he can see it and he's trying too. 

It feels like we're in a state of limbo, and I think he feels that way, too.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

We've tried to schedule marriage counseling, but with his schedule it's impossible since even before his big deployment in July he'll be gone for weeks at a time for work.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It takes 2 to tango, he needs to get his butt into counseling WITH you as well.

You are BOTH working on fixing the marriage and it seems like you are doing all the work right now and he is just doing whatever he wants.

It seems like you are also doing your 50% in the relationship as well, good work. 

Problem is, he is not doing his 50%. HE needs to address this and you need to communicate to him that it's a big issue.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

We tried to schedule appointments, he's open to it and agreed to go. I made an appointment but when we talked to the therapist she wanted to make sure we could go consistently, but the schedule he has until July, he's still going out to sea (he's in the Navy), for most of May and June. It's pointless to go to counseling at this point since we wouldn't get consistent therapy. This comes from the therapist, not me. Even with all the options she gave us... none of them work for us.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That's really tough (travel), not just on your marriage reconciliation but also your relationship.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

It was never an issue before since we were going strong, but now I'm scared it's going to wreck what's left of the marriage. 

Counseling is out of the question. We have a ton of stress because of money, bills, not knowing where we might go since he may or may not be in the military much longer. 

I want to make our marriage priority number one since I think we'd be able to tackle everything else as a team and be ok, but he made it clear he's focusing on those things first.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

It's bipolar II (not as strong), I'm in treatment and I'm in a better place mentally than I've ever been in my life. I can understand that he's worried that I might get sick again. That's a valid point.

What hurts me the most is that he won't make up his mind. I think I'd be at least relieved if he said he wanted to finish this. It would hurt like hell, but at least I'd know what he wants.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

ok, thanks!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Ask your significant other to help you identify it when it comes. 

Do your best dealing with it and most importantly don't mistreat your loved one. He will have to learn to deal with it too, and be patient, supportive and have deep self control. 

Maybe come with with a way to isolate word, where you to separate when he says it? This just came to my mind....:scratchhead:

Gotta get creative.....

I know it's easy to say.....hope it helps. Good luck


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Download this book and read it together. It's important. If he won't read it with you, read it out loud in front of him. He can't unhear what he's heard. It teaches you how to have a healthy marriage.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

So, earlier in the marriage it was so bad you had to go to a psych ward, yet now you are home and you are trying to convince him that you are fine?

What changed between now and then? Was there something that triggered you to go off the deep end? Or did you refuse to take your medication, or what?

I ask because it sounds like your husband doesn't fully believe that you've made a conversion and things are different now. 

So what is different exactly, and how can you prove it to your husband?

Also, you might think you can't afford counseling, but I promise it will be a LOT cheaper than a divorce. If he's in the Navy, there should be some kind of community services that offers free marriage counseling (I'm in the Army, I know there's an equivalent in the Navy, but not sure what its called).


----------



## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

Well, the way you get back to where you were is not by drawing farther apart. Start with talking. Open and honest communication. Let him tell you how the situation makes him feel, you do the same. Hold hands, sit close to each other, etc. Don't force these things, or resentment could work its way in. Just don't let the gap between you widen.

Communicate. Let him tell you his thoughts and feelings. Tell him your thoughts and feelings. This is very important in any marriage.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I didn't know I had Bipolar 2 until I ended up in the psych ward. I knew I had issues with depression and anxiety and tried to get treatment, but were I'm from psychologists are hard to find and not very good. I'd been in therapy before, but since I had no idea how bad my issues were I let it lapse. He knew about this since before we started dating (we were friends for years, have been together for 4 years, married 2). This isn't the first time in my life I've gotten so bad that I wanted to end my life (I've had these issues since I was about 10), but this was the first time it happened with him in my life. 

When I was diagnosed, it made so much sense to me. I learned as much as I could, I'm taking medication and going to a psychologist every 2-3 weeks. I was a pessimist and incredibly self loathing, but since all this started I've become determined to get better, and I have. I'm working on rebuilding my life, but it's hard to move on when the marriage is still on shaky ground.

I'm trying all I can to be as affectionate as possible. I talk to him about my feelings a lot, too, but when I ask him to talk to me he freezes up, saying he doesn't know what he feels. He doesn't seem to know what he wants anymore. He's still an amazing man and we get along great, we've never had any violent fights or screaming matches. We're getting along just fine now, but as friends, not really as partners.

Counseling is impossible for us, because of his schedule. The Navy has actually been great about trying to get us help for free, with great doctors (that's how I've gotten such good treatment these last 6 months). He was willing to go with me but we'd be able to go maybe once before he leaves for an 8 month deployment.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once is better than nothing. In fact, it's imperative!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also try to remember that many men are raised to, or just naturally want to, fix things. You are presenting him with a problem he never expected to encounter and he has no idea how to 'fix' it. It probably scares him. Maybe even makes him doubt his worth or ability. So find ways to show him how amazing he is to you (without going overboard), show him you have faith that this bump in the road won't last, that you intend to stay married.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

have sex with him. 

if he is like most men, he feels far more intimate and connected when you guys are having sex. you could pretty much spend all day hugging him, and he wouldnt feel very close to you if you refuse him in bed.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's good that you have been acknowledging and appreciating his "giving you a second chance," but it sounds to me like you still are not on your feet. 

In your own mind, you're not seeing yourself as his equal. You're making yourself "less" of a person because of your diagnosis, as if you have a fear that you're not good enough now. 

I would encourage you to become fully aware of why you *ARE* good enough so you can be his equal partner and not a needy/clingy type that your behavior seems to be flirting with.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I've tried to have sex with him. He ignores me or tells me he doesn't want to do it. I thought maybe it would help to bring us closer, but no such luck.

I do feel like his equal. I feel good about myself and my doctors are telling me I'm fine in every aspect in my life (as long as I keep up therapy, of course). The only thing that is dragging me back is the stress of the marriage. I know what I did was wrong, but I also know I've worked hard to better our relationship and that I deserve love. Otherwise, I'd never have come here to seek advice and different opinions. There are times I feel less than him, that's true. It's difficult not to tie feelings of self worth to him or how he treats me sometimes. I try to fight that.

I worry about seeming too clingy, too, but he seems to get upset if I try to give him space or am just not as affectionate some days. He doesn't say it but I can tell he tries to get my attention more on those days.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...he's basically giving you the silent treatment because you were unhappy with him and said so to your mom?


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

He gave me the silent treatment in a way for a few weeks after this started. We still spoke for important things and he would make sure I was ok. It was only when I ended up in the hospital that we got to a point to speak regularly. That was 6 months ago. 

We're getting along ok, like friends living together would. We joke around, watch tv and movies together. We discuss anything important like bills, doctors appointments, etc. All that is ok. It's more that we're not really connecting as a couple. I sometimes forget I'm married since he doesn't approach me that way. The passion, romance and affection (from him) left after all this started. He tries to play it up during holidays and for my birthday, but after that, nothing. 

I fell terrible for being unhappy, but I have needs that aren't being met. He's a great friend, but I can't imagine growing old with him or having kids with him if this is the way our marriage is going to be.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hon, you have GOT to be honest with him. Tell him that you, at least, need more than this in marriage. You HAVE to have this discussion.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

Deep down I know I have to do it, I'm really scared though. 

When I try to talk to him about how I feel, I try to be really delicate and subtle about it, but it makes him even more distant for a day or two.

I tried talking to him a few nights ago and he went into his own little world again until today. Now at least he's "normal" and letting me be affectionate with him (by that I mean that he seems to enjoy it).


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

BTW I wanted to thank everyone who's been on this thread, you've all helped so much and I really appreciate it.

It's been nice being able to talk about this with unbiased opinions from other people (and more often that I get to talk to my psychologist).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Amy, this is bordering on mental abuse. I'm NOT saying he's abusive, but it can lead to it. 

This simply must be addressed. Most likely he learned it in childhood, but that doesn't make it acceptable. He has to hear from you that if he can't stop withdrawing any time real-life issues come up, you won't stay married to him.

The Silent Treatment: A Harmful Way To Get What You Want | Dr. Margaret Paul | YourTango


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

When he does it on purpose I tell him I hate it, he thinks it's a joke.

When he does it without realizing it... I don't know, I don't think he's doing it to hurt me.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

AmyLah said:


> When he does it on purpose I tell him I hate it, he thinks it's a joke.
> 
> When he does it without realizing it... I don't know, I don't think he's doing it to hurt me.


try this one thing... tell him how you feel every time he does something that bothers you. 

there is one catch, however. you have to make sure that you avoid telling him what he is thinking. only tell him what YOU are thinking. so, if you clean the house and wear something sexy and he does not notice either, dont tell him that he doesn't care. you can tell him that you FEEL like he does not care that you put extra effort in to making him happy, but dont tell him how he feels. only tell him how YOU feel. if he responds with how he feels, just paraphrase how he feels back to him. so, if he sais, "i felt like you were trying to manipulate me" you can tell him " ok, when i did X you thought i was trying to control you or make you do Y."

this is called active listening. its a way to tell your partner that their feelings are important to you.

a lot of times, breakdowns in communication are due to something that simple.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I will add to that? Keep a little spiral notebook in your pocket at all times. Every time something happens, write it down. I think you'll be surprised at how much there is in there.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> I will add to that? Keep a little spiral notebook in your pocket at all times. Every time something happens, write it down. I think you'll be surprised at how much there is in there.


But, in order to get an accurate picture, write all your positive AND negative interactions.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I try to keep in mind not to sound like I'm accusing him of things when I talk to him (aka doing the "I feel this way about x" instead of "you do x thing"). I do slip up a lot of the time though. Gotta remind myself not to do that.

Hmm, I haven't been keeping any notes, not physical ones I guess. In my mind I'll see he's doing something positive and I'll be happy about it, though it doesn't last long until he does something that bothers me or becomes cold to me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wrote a list down of all the things my H's done to me to make me unhappy. I wrote it to remind myself in therapy. Found it after a couple of years. Glad I did, because a lot of the things on there, I needed to be reminded of.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic today, but I can think of things he does that make me unhappy, not much to make me happy... that vs. how i'm bending over backwards to do things for him... God, today is such a bad day.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you experienced any of this?

•Using economic power to control you

•Threatening to leave

•Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions

•Smashing things

•Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming

•Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously

•Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you

•Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public

•Humiliating you in private or public

•Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

He's only smashed things when he gets mad at his video games. He nearly broke his PS4 because he lost a game. I told him he went too far and kind of scared me, he thought i was joking. It wasn't until he mentioned it to his friend that he apologized, but only because his friend told him I was right and he was concerned for me.

Sometimes if we have a small disagreement when we go out he either goes completely silent or starts making really nasty jokes out loud, no matter who might hear or be offended. I tell him to stop but he doesn't. 

I doubt he realizes he does these things to control or hurt me on purpose. His upbringing wasn't the best to speak of, and I can see where he got some of those habits.


----------



## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

I was prepared to let you have it until you said he smashes stuff when he loses at a video game. That, and everything else you have disclosed tells me that you are married to an overgrown child. You may have some mental problems, but that is something the overgrown child cannot help you with. Get help for yourself, get healthy. If you end up splitting up though, absolutely do NOT get involved with anyone else until you are mentally stable. you don't have the right to involve anyone in your mess, other than friends and family, and your doctors and therapists.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AmyLah said:


> He's only smashed things when he gets mad at his video games. He nearly broke his PS4 because he lost a game. I told him he went too far and kind of scared me, he thought i was joking. It wasn't until he mentioned it to his friend that he apologized, but only because his friend told him I was right and he was concerned for me.
> 
> Sometimes if we have a small disagreement when we go out he either goes completely silent or starts making really nasty jokes out loud, no matter who might hear or be offended. I tell him to stop but he doesn't.
> 
> I doubt he realizes he does these things to control or hurt me on purpose. His upbringing wasn't the best to speak of, and I can see where he got some of those habits.


Amy, I'll just ask you this: When you got married, were you looking forward to being afraid to be yourself with the man you love?

No? Then you're being abused.

This is NOT what you signed up for and NOT what you deserve in a marriage.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

During the time when you were complaining to your mother about him... What part of the complaints were real? Could you tell us what they were and are?

So far you have mentioned him smashing things when he loses on video games and his saying nasty/mean 'jokes' when you are in public.

Please give us a better idea of what is going on. we need this to be able to help you with handling your issues in your marriage.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I don't know, after we got married, I noticed he stopped taking me very seriously, like if I tried to warn him about something he'd say I was exaggerating, but literally anyone else could say the exact same thing and he'd believe it. Since then he'll flip back and forth on opinions and claim he never said things I can clearly remember him telling me about. 

The silent treatment and making rude jokes in public also happened, mostly after I moved in with him. He used to take my mental health issues seriously, wanting to get me help, but when I moved here he just said I needed to take a walk or it was just bad habits my parents gave me.

Those things made me think he hated me, and I got defensive. I started writing to my mom about how I wanted to leave, that I hated him, too and that I wanted to leave him. My mom took everything I said with a grain of salt because she realized something was wrong in my mental state and was always fair to him. She and some of my friends were concerned for both of us, so they tried contacting him to get his side of the story, but he never responded. Even people I never talked to this about knew something was up.

After therapy I see that I was blowing things out of proportion in thinking he hated me, wanting to hurt me and cheating (since we were rarely having sex back then after years of being like rabbits). I'm also now after months realizing that some of the things happening now have been going on for a while.

I just want to make things work, I'm not one to give up on things, especially on people. I don't think he's trying to hurt me, he's just emotionally immature. I am completely aware of how difficult a relationship with me is, I have my issues and they are going to affect people around me. I know he has his problems, too. I want to know what I can do to help him wake up and snap out his bubble.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

Before the marriage and during the first year or so, our connection was insane. We always had things to talk about, we joked around with each other and our attraction was intense. We talked about marriage within weeks of starting the relationship and got engaged in months. We waited 2 years after that to get married to make sure it wasn't just a phase. We were close friends for a long time before we started dating, so we were really comfortable with each other.

He helped me get over some stuff, I was sexually abused as a kid and had hang-ups about sex and intimacy. He knew about all of this and was great about it. He really did help me feel comfortable. At one point in dating my depression got really bad and he encouraged me to fight it and to get help. He loved that I was opinionated and had an opinion about everything, that I kept up with news and had topics I was passionate about. 

He was my dream come true. So sweet, humble, loving, intelligent, generous and in a lot of ways I looked up to him for overcoming so many obstacles in his life, and still do in some ways. He used to say he looked up to me too for some of my traits. 

Lately most of that is gone, he's still humble and generous, he's helpful around the house. I still love him deeply. If worse comes to worse and we have to split, I wouldn't do it because I want to, but because I have to.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmyLah said:


> When he does it on purpose I tell him I hate it, he thinks it's a joke.
> 
> When he does it without realizing it... I don't know, I don't think he's doing it to hurt me.


You would benefit from the books 
"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

These books will give you a lot of insight into what going on and what can be done


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmyLah said:


> I don't know, after we got married, I noticed he stopped taking me very seriously, like if I tried to warn him about something he'd say I was exaggerating, but literally anyone else could say the exact same thing and he'd believe it. Since then he'll flip back and forth on opinions and claim he never said things I can clearly remember him telling me about.
> 
> The silent treatment and making rude jokes in public also happened, mostly after I moved in with him. He used to take my mental health issues seriously, wanting to get me help, but when I moved here he just said I needed to take a walk or it was just bad habits my parents gave me.
> 
> ...


I think that you are giving some mixed messages here. You say that you were exaggerating to your mom. Yet what you describe him doing was not very nice. If someone treated me that way, discounting what I said, acting like he did not say things he did say, etc.. It’s not be very happy with them either. I am getting the impression that you have some real grievances with him, but right now you just want to hold the marriage together so badly that you will overlook just about anything. Making an inventory of the good and the bad and looking at the whole picture is a good place to start.

Some balance needs to be found in which you can both live a healthy life.



AmyLah said:


> I want to know what I can do to help him wake up and snap out his bubble.


There are two lessons that most of us take some time to learn.
One of them is that we teach people how to treat us. Your reactions and actions have taught him that it’s ok to treat you the way he does. When you moved in with him and his behavior towards you changed in a negative way. You just put up with it. Sure you griped some. But he was able to put you in your place and get you to shut up pretty easily. So you taught him that this behavior was ok. When he found out that you were bad mouthing him to your mom (somewhat justifiably) he’s reacted by punishing you by being withdrawn, saying that he does want to be with you, etc. And you have let him know that this is ok because you are still begging him to stay with you. . No matter how he treats you.

The other hard lesson here is that we cannot change anyone. You cannot do anything that is guaranteed to wake him up and snap him out of his bubble. The only thing we can do in this life is to change ourselves. When you change, he will change. But there is no guarantee in how he will change. He’s in charge of that... Not you, not anyone else.

Another good book that talks about changing yourself and the changes it can inspire in your spouse is “Divorce Busters”. In that books it’s called the 180 (it’s not the 180 that we link to here for betrayed spouses... it’s something different).

You need to decide who you want to be and what you will allow in your life. Then you need to live your life that way. Then it’s up to him if he wants to start acting like a loving husband.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

If I were to make a list at this point... it would be more bad than good. I'm still here because I remember how he was and hope to get back to that... though I know that's almost impossible.

I have changed since this all started. I was never this brave, or patient. I would have given up by now, but if there's anything I can take away from all this is that it has made me a much stronger person.

Just today I talked to him about talking to me, to tell me if there is anything I can do to help, or if there's anything I do that bothers him. He said that there wasn't anything he can think of and that he has no ideas on how to better things. I told him to tell me if he ever realizes what he wants or if he thinks he can't get past it. He didn't show any emotion with that, or when I told him I wasn't happy or satisfied, and that I wouldn't stay forever if things stayed like this. That hurt like hell. 

He's going to be gone for a few weeks now because of his job. Honestly all I can think about is getting a job, saving every penny I can and leaving whenever I have enough to move closer to where I grew up and getting my own place. The thought of a sh*tty apartment, working as much as I can and living by myself looks better everyday.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmyLah said:


> If I were to make a list at this point... it would be more bad than good. I'm still here because I remember how he was and hope to get back to that... though I know that's almost impossible.
> 
> I have changed since this all started. I was never this brave, or patient. I would have given up by now, but if there's anything I can take away from all this is that it has made me a much stronger person.
> 
> ...


Then that's what you do. You do what you have to do. 

If there is any chance of saving your marriage, you have to be willing to lose if you cannot get your needs met in the marriage.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I'm really considering a separation at this point. I don't know if it would help at all, but I do know I don't like my life the way it is living with him in this state. I even started online "window shopping" for apartments. I doubt I'd be able to get one if I leave, would probably have to move back in with my parents, which isn't a problem with anyone. I wouldn't really want to go there though, I'm originally from Puerto Rico and it isn't a great place for someone my age to start a life. Even so... I would do it if I had to. 

He still hasn't really reacted to what we talked about, he's been sending me messages while he's away and seems to be acting like business as usual. I hated to do that to him, talking about being unhappy and possibly leaving him right before he left, but I'm hoping it would give him some time to think. I don't think he believes I would leave... or maybe he doesn't care. I don't know what to do anymore.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Contact your city's agencies to see what kind of temporary help you can get to move out. 

You can always get back together again.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I hadn't thought about that, thanks! I'm gonna look that up. While I'm hoping to eventually end up on the east coast of the US eventually (my family is over there), I wouldn't really mind staying here for a while. I'm in California, and I like it much more than I thought I would.

Even through all of this, I'm still hoping things will somehow work out. My mother said the same thing, to do things for me but that maybe things can work somehow. I'm trying to keep myself busy and positive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are doing what you can do... taking care of yourself and looking at how you can move forward... with or without him.

Keep it up.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I kind of abandoned this place for a while. I wish I could say it's because I didn't need it anymore...

My husband is coming back home this week. I've gone from sick of everything, to really hopeful that I can make everything work, and now I'm just nervous. I'm always nervous when he comes back. It's either because I worry about how he's going to react to me when he comes back or how long it's going to take for me to feel hopeless again because of something he does or says. I know I should think this way, but I can't help it.

It doesn't help matters that he might be leaving the military or switching branches (I'm still not 100% sure about why). Even if I wanted to leave it would be so hard right now, on both of us, and I'm worried about how our families and friends might take it.

It's not the happiest reunion after not seeing each other for close to a month...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why aren't you telling your family and friends the truth?


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

My parents know what's going on. I've got 2 friends that know a little of what's going on, but I'm not on speaking terms with one of them right now. 

I'm scared of the rest rejecting me if I leave him. Quite a few of them believed I only married him because he went into the military. I'm scared that what few mutual friends we have will end up thinking I'm a gold digger or something. I feel kind of attached to part of his family, but a few of them especially believe the same thing. 

There's always been a lot of pressure from my side of the family , too, to make things work. I just know some of them will look down on me for getting divorced or separated.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AmyLah said:


> There's always been a lot of pressure from my side of the family , too, to make things work. I just know some of them will look down on me for getting divorced or separated.


No offense, Amy, but that's an immature way to be looking at this. NEVER make choices based on what other people think or do. Do what YOU need; if they don't support you in that, then they really aren't valuable in your life anyway, are they?


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

I was raised with that mentality, being poor and not having much else, family becomes all you have. I hate it and I try to fight it, but it's difficult to erase something that was taught to you since birth.


----------



## AmyLah (May 1, 2014)

About the gold digger thing: yeah when you're from the states the pay seems kinda crappy and it's no big deal. I'm from Puerto Rico, though, and the economy is absolutely awful. There are no jobs for anyone within our age group, and even if you do find one the cost of living is way higher than anything you'd earn. So the US military is something big back home, and a lot of people from his family and even a few from mine thought I wanted him for money. It's true that we're better off than either of our families are back home, but it's never been about money. I married him because I loved him deeply and really saw a future with him.

I know at least I'm still young and I don't have kids (and probably won't start having any until at least iI'm 30). It still feels like my life is passing me by and I still don't know what to do. 

He came home after a month gone and doesn't really seem to care that I'm here, he missed the home and my dog more than he seems to have missed me.


----------

