# NEED A Man's point of view. Flirty Work Emails Found.



## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

Discovered Flirty Work Emails on my husbands phone. 

{Pls note, I posted this on another forum but I would really appreciate a man's point of view (i dont mind women too) bc my DH is making me feel guilty as if this was MY fault. Thank you}

Background: My husband and I have been married for 17+years and e have 3 children. We go thru ups and downs like any marriage especially when it comes to finances. It's been a rough road with bills but we keep going. I love him with all my heart and I would fight anyone if they tried to come between my marriage. 

Lately, I noticed a change in my husband's ways when it came to his work emails coming thru his phone. I noticed back in November. But since we were not fighting, just being lovable with one another as usual, didn't think nothing of it. 

Until I saw an email come thru and saw it was from a female. It said something like "OMG did we just go thru the whole day without chatting?" My heart sank! I was shocked. I wanted to know who this person was and why she was emailing my husband if it wasn't about work. 

I didn't say anything bc I didn't want to argue. I wanted to make sure I wasn't jumping into conclusions before asking my husband first so I went about my business and kept our relationship "normal" but it was eating me up from inside. I was often wondering what their emails were about bc I noticed many were deleted so I couldn't read the whole conversation to prove something was going on. Plus I didn't want my husband to know I was looking thru his phone behind his back. 

Then I noticed after making comments about making new friends of the opposite sex and how that's a no-no bc we both agreed we should be each other's friend, he changes his PW. When he did that, I knew something was up. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. But even thru that, I kept being a loving wife trying to give him loads of attention. 

I kept thinking why does he bed validation from another woman? Doesn't he love me? Don't I give him enough attention? I was so hurt. 

After a few arguments about him changing his phone PW, he showed me. And that's when I had to see for myself if those emails were innocent. 

Turns out he thought he deleted most of the emails on his phone but I was able to retrieve some. I couldn't believe my eyes. 

One email went like this:

Her: she sends him a photo of two beach chairs w/ drinks on a beach. 
Him: oh you're trouble. Lol
Her: don't laugh, that could be our lunch date. 
Him: could be. 
Her: and I'll believe it when it happens. 
Him: Trying hard to get away. 

Anything that was said after that, I don't know. But I was beyond hurt. He would take ME on lunch dates. Why would he "plan" a lunch date with this girl? I felt like my whole world came down. I was so hurt. 

I also found emails about my mom. She was asking how my mom was feeling. She's been sick but why is he telling her MY business?! 

I felt as tho they were being way too personal and I had to confront him once & for all. 

I do want to say this isn't the first time this has happened. I found inappropriate emails sent to my best friend 14 years ago. I forgave but I don't forget. How could I? Nude photos of women he found online were sent to her talking about "How would you like to have oil rubbed all over your body like this?" And it would be a photo of a naked oiled woman. 

Then last year I found a weird phone number on my husbands line with text messages sent back and forth through your the day for a few weeks. He still says it was work related but deep down inside my heart, I know it was flirty texts. Why would he delete them if they were strictly work-related. 

I'm not stupid. The heart knows. And my intuition knew. 

Anyway, this past Monday, I had his phone while he was in the shower and when he came out, I asked him who so and so was. He looked confused like he didn't know who she was. Big mistake! Of course he knows who she is! 

So he says it just a girl from work and it's nothing but immediately gets angry bc I went behind his back to look at his phone. He said I invaded the little privacy he had and I was f*cked up for being nosey. 

My philosophy is a married couple should not keep any secrets from one another, especially when it involves a person of the opposite sex. 

During the heated discussion about the emails, I asked him if they went out on a date. He said no. That didn't sit well with me bc we would go on lunch dates and it hurt me really bad that he would plan a getaway when he had a chance. It was in black & white! How else am I supposed to react? 

I asked him if she went down on him. He said no with a gross voice and said ewww she's ugly and she's married. No way! (Yeah ok, im sure he liked something about her or else those emails wouldn't happened!) 

He kept on saying that he couldn't believe I went thru his phone and how messed up I was. I felt like he was trying to flip the situation. Like I did something wrong. Ok I did wrong by being sneaky but I had to find out what was going on bc I was willing to fight for my marriage and my family. 

He believes that he wasnt doing anything wrong bc it wasn't physical. He was just bored and it was all innocent flirting. Oh bc she's married and has a family. Well he does too. 

I'm not sure what he meant about bored bc he doesn't want to talk about it. He gets very angry and screams if I do bring up the situation and threatens to leave me if I don't leave him alone with all the questions. 

I'm not satisfied at all. I need to ask questions bc I know for a fact if it were me and another man emailing each other the same exact things, he would be pissed. 

The way technology is today affairs start off as a text message or an email. It can be innocent at first but it can quickly turn into something much more. 

I'm lost. I don't have anyone to talk to about this especially to get another male's opinion about the whole situation. He says to leave him alone, stop asking him stupid questions or this will be the end of us. 

I'm torn bc I feel it will happen again. We/I don't have closure. We haven't set any boundaries. He hasn't told me what he's missing from our relationship bc obviously he needs validation from other women. I just wish he was honest with me and TELL me what he wants and needs. 

I emailed the girl and told her that she was messing with the wrong man. And if she wanted to keep her job, to leave him alone.

She replied with I'm sorry and all it was just a little innocent flirting, nothing more. She said she was also married and had a family.

I replied back by saying flirting, innocent or not, is still flirting. It's wrong and it should've never happened. I also asked her if her husband knew of the flirting, he wouldn't like it one bit.

She replied with you're absolutely correct and I sincerely apologize. 

I haven't noticed anything after that. He states it won't happen again. 

But I still have questions and he won't answer them. Keeps threatening me that he will leave if I keep on with the stupid BS. But I can't trust him bc of the way he's acting like its my fault.

What should I do, say and/or think? He's acting like this whole situation is MY fault!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If I read an exchange like that, there would be huge problems. Sorry, there's flirting and there's strong sexual innuendo. Anything suggesting a meet up like "Trying hard to get away." Is a HUGE no-no in my book.

If he is acting like it is your fault, sorry, you have only scratched the surface. Sorry, I call BS on you saying you were being sneaky. He has done this before and you were following your instincts. Sneaky is bugging your house, going through his phone and wallet when he has done absolutely nothing to cause these fears.

Sorry, your husband is about to or already has cheated. He is in an Emotional Affair for sure. When you are emotionally ready, call his bluff. Tell him "BYE and I'll make sure everyone knows you are leaving because you were bored, with me, so you were flirting and setting up a date with another woman."


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

If this is on the level, then you are definitely not wrong. He has a sleazy track record. But as long as this carries any weight with you:

*He says to leave him alone, stop asking him stupid questions or this will be the end of us. *

you will remain on the defensive and not get the resolution you want. Turn the tables: "Stop the flirting and inappropriate contact or this will be the end of us." And mean it.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm a man and I can say that your SO is performing every line of the cheater script quite nicely.

She's not his type, you invaded his privacy, he wasn't doing anything wrong, nothing physical happened, it meant nothing..

Need I go on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a cheater. Either emotional or physical, but a cheater, right enough.

He is blaming you? That's called blameshifting.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Here is what I think you should do:

Make copies of the emails, texts and whatever else you have and contact her husband. Don't tell your husband you are going to do this and don't contact the other woman again. Just do it. Once the husband is cued into what is going on, this flirting is sure to end and she may very well be out of your life for good. Additionally, it will send a strong message to your husband that you are not to be screwed with.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

We had "the talk" yesterday and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. What he did was stupid and although he apologized it wasn't from the heart bc he was cursing and raising his voice bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space. 

He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down. 

BUT when I told him to switch shoes, he said yeah I would be hurt too. But again, after he sounds sincere, he immediately gets defensive and says I'm treating/talking to him like a child. And STILL repeats that I was f*cked up for snooping. That I need to give him space & privacy. Mind you, while he is saying this to me, he's raising his voice. 

I'm frustrated. I'm exhausted. After our talk, instead of consoling me and hugging me, he says, "Are we done?" and then walks out. I couldn't believe it. We resolved nothing. He literally made me feel like I did something wrong and made me feel like complete sh*t.

All he cares about was that I went behind his back and looked in his phone. He said if you wanted to look, all you had to do was ask. Yeah right!

He states Bc he didn't have any physical contact, I should not be upset or hurt the way I am. And that Now if he does cheat (have sex with another woman) then my actions are justified. Ugh 

I'm a good woman. I don't deserve this. I'm loyal. I respect him in front of his face and behind his back. I try to keep the house clean. I try to be a loving wife. I try to keep myself looking good. I try. 

If he was truly sorry, he should be showing me how sorry he is and make sure that I'm ok and that I feel loved, respected and appreciated. 

Then I can go on that road to trust him 100% again. 

But no. Of course not. Because its MY fault I snooped. Yeah right! 

I told him we need time apart and we need marriage counseling. My heart is crushed bc of his actions. His words don't even sound sincere. 

He's become this angry person and I feel like I don't know him anymore.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space.
> 
> He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I was like this too, *when I was single and dating.*

If you decide to get counseling, make sure YOU PICK and it is a person that understand infidelity.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Be honest have you really trusted your husband 100% the whole marriage? You gave a few examples of finding inappropriate things over the years.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

The last 14 years I have not trusted him 100% because of his actions.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> The last 14 years I have not trusted him 100% because of his actions.


Go get counseling, get yourself in order and let him go be single. His reaction is waaaaaaaaay too over the top because of some innocent flirting.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone.* That his phone is his business, not mine.*


That is some [email protected]%king bullsh%t right there. This is a marriage, and everything becomes each others business after marriage. At this point, I could give a rat's ass what his excuse is about what you're doing wrong, once he said that, he makes it clear where he stands.

Need to take him up on his offer and leave. If he wants his privacy, let his ass do it while being single.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He needs to get over you snooping. I don't know if it's plain ignorance or in his head he wasn't doing anything wrong. But when you said how he would feel if you were flirting with another man...he said he would be pissed. My advice would be get into MC ASAP. Your husband has had a issue with boundaries for years. Sending pics to your best friend....that is weird. He needs to get over himself.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Coffeegal said:


> He's become this angry person and I feel like I don't know him anymore.


He's angry at you because you c0ck blocked him. He was lining her up for sex and you ruined it. You see, It's all you fault! You ruined his fun! Don't you get that? (sarcasm on my part). My answer back is "fvck him", you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that if his attitude doesn't change, you won't put up with his bullsh1t. He can get the hell out if he doesn't like it.

Two questions:
1. Does he know you spoke with his girlfriend?
2. Will you consider contacting her husband?

Edit: Don't let him walk all over you and always maintain your self respect.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Just my .02. 
He needs to understand the difference between secrecy and privacy.

There is no place for secrecy in a marriage (phones, email accounts, toxic friends, other sex friends, etc.). 

Privacy- bathroom time, etc. has a place in a marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Also, yes. He is cheating.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

I emailed the witch last week. I told her if she wanted to keep her job, she better stop emailing and flirting with my husband. I said she was messing with the wrong man and f*cking with the wrong woman. 

She replies with it was only innocent flirting. I am also married and have a family. And there was no need to threaten my job. I sincerely apologize for the flirting and I won't do it again. 

I replied with if you took my last email as a threat, I was just reminding you of the company's policy. They have a no-tolerance policy and plus I don't play that sh*t. And I'm sure your husband wouldn't like the fact that you're emailing flirty messages to another man all day long. 

Her reply was I deeply apologize and I understand. It won't happen again. 

I checked once and haven't seen anything. He thinks by deleting, they're all gone but I'm inspector gadget sometimes.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> He thinks by deleting, they're all gone but I'm inspector gadget sometimes.


There are so many way he could be hiding this crap don't get over confident. Tell her husband not her, she isn't going to help.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

I don't know these people.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Coffeegal said:


> Her reply was I deeply apologize and I understand. It won't happen again.





Coffeegal said:


> I don't know these people.



Can I assume this means you won't be sharing the information you have with her husband?


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

If I can get his number I will def call. If I'm hurting, I want him to know it was bc of his wife and my husband.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Coffeegal said:


> We had "the talk" yesterday and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly*. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone. That his phone is his business, not mine. He said that he doesn't look at my phone so there's no need to look at his. *What he did was stupid and although he apologized it wasn't from the heart bc he was cursing and raising his voice bc he was so pissed off bc he feels like he has no space.
> 
> He says The girl meant nothing. It was just a stupid thing he did bc he was bored at work. It wasn't gonna go any further than that. And if I didn't find the emails, it would've died down.
> 
> ...


He is SO incredibly pissed that he got caught, and thats ALL. He isnt sorry! He isnt remorseful! Tell him that he needs to follow through on his threat and leave!


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Reading your first post, I really like the way you have dealt with the situation so far.

You confronted this woman and told her to stop.

You slapped her out of her foggy dreamy romancy delusion by telling her her job could be on the line.

Your husband now knows you're "not as green as you are cabbage looking". (a local phrase)

Very well done. So far, so good. :smthumbup:

You ask for men's thoughts on this. Apparently men who are tempted want a 'bit on the side' rather than a new partner, and would choose to stay in the marriage when pushed. I fully agree.

By contrast, women are seeking multiple relationships and have affairs leading to leaving the marriage.

But regardless, although there is little risk of him leaving, you don't want him having affairs. 

I would suggest telling him straight out that fluff on the side is a no-no and a deal breaker - if that's how you feel.

Some women prefer just not to know about it. But maybe you are not one of these women - make it tactfully clear, if this is the case, then at least neither of you are under any illusions 

People get upset for different reasons, but snooping is unlikely to provoke such anger UNLESS you often snoop... assuming you don't, then if anything it would provoke disappointment and sadness. This anger seems to mean "Dude, I've been thwarted!"

That's my opinion, just an opinion.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Coffeegal said:


> If I can get his number I will def call. If I'm hurting, I want him to know it was bc of his wife and my husband.



Three years ago my wife was emailing an ex-boyfriend. I found out about it before it got to the flirty stage and put an end to it (long story). Anyway, before I even confronted my wife I had the guy's name, address, phone number, cell phone number, where he worked, his wife's name, where she worked, her phone number even the kids names and schools. It's scary how much info you can get your hands on for a few bucks. Now I never had to use any of this, but I was ready to in a minute if the emailing didn't end when it did.

You are right, her husband really must know what she did.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Three years ago my wife was emailing an ex-boyfriend. I found out about it before it got to the flirty stage and put an end to it (long story). Anyway, before I even confronted my wife I had the guy's name, address, phone number, cell phone number, where he worked, his wife's name, where she worked, her phone number even the kids names and schools. It's scary how much info you can get your hands on for a few bucks. Now I never had to use any of this, but I was ready to in a minute if the emailing didn't end when it did.
> 
> You are right, her husband really must know what she did.


Good for you. Did this fix last long? Did she try it again? Genuine interest.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

OP
Your situation is very similar to what I had to go through with my ex husband.
Except that I believed him when he said they were just friends (the first time), and did not contact the woman or the woman's husband.
It began like you described, it turned into a PA. Ex would also say she wasn't his type, she was ugly, she is married, she is just a friend blah blah blah. Oh, lets not forget the "I will divorce you if you accuse me again"

I had always trusted my husband up until that point, that was about five years ago. I wish I had been more assertive and done what you did. Fast forward to last year when I finally had enough. 

He never apologized for his PA or EA, it was all in my mind. Even though I also found texts, FB messages, etc. I was stupid, I was too in love. I did not want to confront him. 

I wish I could tell you he will change, but there is something in a cheater's mind that will always seek validation from people other than their loving spouses.

Continue fighting for your marriage and good luck. I am glad you found TAM at an early stage in the nightmare called cheating. I surely wish I had.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm sorry, are you married to my husband?

B/c I had these conversations.. It culminated with him fooling around with my friend on my living room sofa one night.. She confessed, b/c she felt bad (didnt' stop her from doing it).

He denied it to the day he left. Saying, "are you going to believe some "friend" or your own husband? You're just letting her win. She wanted me and now she's ruining us b/c I turned her down" 

Oh, and a month later he moved in with some floozy he supposed "just met" at a bar.. riiigghhhtt.. 

I think he's cheating as well. You just haven't found anything concrete yet. And even after I found a dating website, had a confession from my friend, etc., he still swears I have no "proof".. 

He will never admit it. Some never do.. I don't think they can..


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Sandfly said:


> Good for you. Did this fix last long? Did she try it again? Genuine interest.


I'll send you a PM later


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Definitely find her husband so he can see her "harmless flirting".


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You are right to be concerned and he is way off base with his defensive posture. 

Seems his attitude is "best defense is a great offense" - don't fall for that krap. 

His past history isn't exactly stellar - anyone with the gumption to do what he did with you best friend - way back when - isn't likely to change his stripes. 

IMO it's futile to have a rational discussion with this guy's mindset. It appears he feels entitled to act as a single dude while away from home. uhuh - no way Jose. 

If I was in your shoes I'd be contacting this woman's husband and tell him what you told his wife - and the reason behind it. It may well turn out that he's had his own suspicions. 

Be good to yourself - you're doing fine in not rugsweeping this mess as he wishes you would. 

strength and peace


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> I don't know these people.


You didn't know her when you sent these two emails:


> I told her if she wanted to keep her job, she better stop emailing and flirting with my husband. I said she was messing with the wrong man and f*cking with the wrong woman.
> 
> 
> I replied with if you took my last email as a threat, I was just reminding you of the company's policy. They have a no-tolerance policy and plus I don't play that sh*t. And I'm sure your husband wouldn't like the fact that you're emailing flirty messages to another man all day long.


It didn't matter then, it isn't a reason now. I am not saying you have to, just pointing out that the reason didn't stop you the first two times.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh forgot to mention. Before I resigned from my old job, we all worked at the same company. Company is huge. Has over 12 buildings spread out in different counties. So with work emails, you can send anyone an email within the company.


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## Coffeegal (Jan 2, 2014)

I found her husbands number! I'm calling tmrw. I hope he picks up. The Internet is a scary place. Lol


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Why hasn't coffee woken you up, dear?

Your husband is a cheating fool and it reads that you are protecting him. 

Out the other woman to her husband, pronto and then decide whether you want to stay married. We all know this guy and he won't change. He has no intentions of changing.

A lot of us married guys like this so don't feel bad. But quit trying to patch up your husbands infidelity.

I'm sorry, I don't respect these type of a-holes at work. It's unprofessional and gross.

You can not trust him for the rest of your life or show him the door. Btw, this type of guy usually comes crying back when reality hits and then you can really watch HIM sweat for a while.

Nope, I don't like his behavior one bit and "trying to get away" will be burned into your soul forever because of his lack of respect for you and himself and his lack of self control. 

The fact that the OW finds his behavior attractive, speaks volumes about HER character. 

Blow this up like a madwomen, now!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but the issue isn't the other woman, in this case. The issue is your husband and the fact that you and he don't agree on appropriate boundaries with flirting and communicating with opposite sex friends. So go ahead and let the woman's husband know, and then get to work on the actual problem. 

Have you found a counsellor yet? Picked up the book "Not Just Friends"? Do you have access to your husband's cell phone records?

C


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is definitely a master at putting you on the defensive.

Don't take the bait. I would be sorely tempted to do a 180 on him. Just watch him squirm a bit when he sees that you're not interested in feeling bad about your snooping.

As others have said, he's following the cheater's script. You've been doing well. I hope you can keep standing up to him. He's trying very hard to keep you in your place & it will be poison to you if you let him get away with it.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

PBear said:


> No offense, but the issue isn't the other woman, in this case. The issue is your husband and the fact that you and he don't agree on appropriate boundaries with flirting and communicating with opposite sex friends. So go ahead and let the woman's husband know, and then get to work on the actual problem.
> 
> Have you found a counsellor yet? Picked up the book "Not Just Friends"? Do you have access to your husband's cell phone records?
> 
> C


This. 

Your husband is a manipulative serial cheater. Don't feel bad about snooping. He has given you enough reasons not to trust him. Sending inappropriate email and picture to your best friend? Could he get any lower than that? That would have been a deal breaker to me. And if my best friend also invited and encouraged this inappropriate behaviour, she would have been fired too. 

You may scare this particular other woman now, but if you are not dealing with the real problem here (i.e. your husband and his lack of boundary), there will be another woman, and another woman. You can continue to scare those women away, but sooner or later you would look like a fool who still hasn't gotten the memo: your husband is a cheating a-hole.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

You need to contact and inform the OW husband asap. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like a serial cheater and those kind people never change their ways. And he had an EA with your best friend. That's the worst kind of betrayal and I think you deserve better than him. Are you still friends with her?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Coffeegal said:


> I found her husbands number! I'm calling tmrw. I hope he picks up. The Internet is a scary place. Lol


That's the ticket! Keep us posted. 

And the internet isn't scary ... If you know how to use it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Coffeegal said:


> Discovered Flirty Work Emails on my husbands phone.
> 
> {Pls note, I posted this on another forum but I would really appreciate a man's point of view (i dont mind women too) bc my DH is making me feel guilty as if this was MY fault. Thank you}
> 
> ...


Next time he threatens to leave, give him the divorce paperwork and tell him all he has to do is sign...

By making you the bad person, he's able to turn the tables.. you're the one doing wrong, because you're snooping.. he need privacy etc... 

Tell him that instead of threatening you, since you're feeling insecure due to some things he's been doing, perhaps he'd be better off trying to comfort you, and be transparent with you, not hide stuff from you and get angry about 'privacy'. BTW, that word 'privacy', is a red flag. He could be in a full blown affair with this woman, long term, it might be beyond flirting and now that they are aware of you being on to them, they can improve the methods they're using to hide the affair. Phone pw change, also a red flag. Why the need for privacy.. why the need to hide things, especially when he knows you're not comfortable?

Your concerns are valid, and he should address them not belittle you and make you feel as though you're wrong for feeling what you're feeling. 

Men and women that work together, should avoid flirting if either one of them are married.. they shouldn't be doing anything they wouldn't want their spouse doing, or wouldn't do with the spouse looking over their shoulder.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

My husband had a similar EA. But he was never mad I looked at his phone because that's never been a gray area with us-we both have a right to look if we want because there should be nothing to hide. But the way your husband is reacting indicates that there is far more to the story. I'm sorry, but you need to turn the tables and get your power back. You need to make it clear if HE wants to stay married to YOU, you WILL have access to all emails, pws, etc and you CAN look whenever you want, because you are the spouse and there should be nothing to hide. If he says no, then dump his ass because he's a cheater. His reaction really says to me that more happened. 

Also, contact the husband and let him know everything. He has a right to know and may even be able to find out more and share it with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pauslon (Nov 27, 2013)

OP:

Another poster said it but I will reiterate, your husband is cheating. You have evidence of the EA, the other question is PA? 

A little background for me, my wife had a PA three months ago. I found out via a sexual innuendo email from the OM (they work together). I found other evidence to support my claim without letting my wife know what I was up to. I finally gathered enough evidence, (I caught her in a lie about having lunch with the OM), and told her all the evidence I had, if she didn't admit to it, I was moving out right then and there (my bags were packed). She broke down and confessed, it was trickle truth at first but eventually the extent of it came out. (I am at #6 now), 1. they just kissed when drunk 2. then just touching. 3. then just oral. 4. then just he went in and pulled out. 5. then oral sex when not drunk (next morning). 6. ?? - this all took 2.5 months to get to #6 with the threat of a lie detector. If you care for more details, you can find my thread if you search for my posts.

My wife, to my knowledge, has only been with two men now. I have always viewed her as an honest person until three months ago when she betrayed me and her family (we have two kids). She lied to me so many times about this affair. I believe it was her way of protecting what she really wanted, which is to keep the family together, but time will tell. Your husband probably wants to keep the marriage together and the affair. He must realize you will not accept both.

Your husband will lie to your face about the affair multiple times. The OW will lie to your face about the affair. They are now underground with it. You need to do go espionage on him. Act like everything is normal, but track him without his knowledge. I would hire a PI. If you can't find evidence, it will drive you insane b/c your gut is telling you something more is going on. If you threaten, you must actually follow through..NO EMPTY THREATS. Best wishes and I sincerely hope it was just a EA, but likely it is not.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

In other news, the woman was too quick with the apology and "won't happen again".

Almost sounds like it was a PA but with your perceived naivete and just the mild threat of "leave him alone", she could have thought "whew that was close" and threw everything under the bus with a quick apology and be done with it.

Keep your eyes open.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, I got that vibe as well.

"I will capitulate quickly because of my job and husband" not remorse for her actions.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

I am a male. I am only stating the obvious. He should have no secrets. Like someone else said, privacy is something in the bathroom. He is telling you lies; there is more than you are aware of. Besides, what you already have hard evidence of *IS* cheating!

I can't understand why you would want to be with someone like that. On the other hand, I am sure it is complicated.

I am afraid that the only way he could change (not suggesting he will) is when he is divorced and on his own for a good while. But then, he very well may find someone else then.

What a jerk.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

My first impressions when reading this is that your husband is depressed – not happy at work (bored), not happy where is life is (absolutely willing to risk losing you over a married women that he works with), likes to blame others for his problems. Question: does he do other risky behaviors? Gambling? buy things to impress people that he cannot afford? Drink to get drunk or drugs = a party guy?

From what I have read, your job is to take care of him – his job is to be in charge – you’re not his equal and because of this, you have no right to snoop into anything he designates as private. He is somewhat abusive with his language and somewhat threatening – I assume he is the main source of income?

On the other end of the spectrum, I see that you love him with all your heart. You are very loyal to him and take care of the family. So, he must not be all that bad of a guy down deep. But, as most people have stated here, he now has some major issues going on and they are not going to go away without some type of therapy. Problem is, people like your hsuband usally like to blame everyone but themselves - so hard to convince to get help.

You do need to be careful about revealing this to your husband’s employer - they would discipline all parties involved including you husband.

All I can tell you is what I would do if my wife was treating me like this: I would demand that marriage counseling start asap (worth every penny if you can get with the right one), at the same time I would obtain legal counsel - I would need to know how this will play out if these behaviors do not change with counseling because I will tell you, I think your husband most likely has been doing things that you have no idea of – and I tell you – if my wife treated me as you have been treated here with just this one escapade with no remorse – I would have already started the 180. You must be an angel to keep as calm as you have.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Well here in the UK we have this sphrase a 'wanker' a term of strong villification 

He's a right cheating wanker and you need to do what I just said in another thread 

You have got used to no control to accepting it as the way it is he's just like that for 15 years etc etc 

Here's the news you have helped him be like that and now by not standing up and taking some control you are where you are!

Not really your 'fault' I know but now you need to grow some balls and grab him by the scruff of the neck

If you "carry on" he'll "leave"

Well then let him and open the door for him too ...Just watch him crumble as he 'loses' for the first time and starts to know what fear is 

Take control of yourself and your life


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> We had "the talk" yesterday and it was like pulling teeth. It went horribly. He kept talking about how f*cked up it was that I went behind his back to look in his phone.
> 
> He states Bc he didn't have any physical contact, I should not be upset or hurt the way I am. And that Now if he does cheat (have sex with another woman) then my actions are justified. Ugh
> 
> *The last 14 years I have not trusted him 100% because of his actions.*


From your posts it seems your husband has a LONG HISTORY of desiring attention from other women. He cares more about getting that attention than being a loving husband to you. *His commitment to you, the marriage, and children are weak and harmful.*

He gets upset, yells at you and tells you that you go behind his back with his phone but wants you to forget it when he is flirting with a married woman. He is a hypocrite, a punk, and selfish!

I am a man and my point of view is this. *Tell him he has a certain amount of time to commit himself, including attitude and emotions, to you and the marriage. Having a third party involved in helping you both is recomended*. If he fails to commit then tell him that you fear that the marriage and children will be damaged. Additionally, if he continues to put you and his children at number 2 or 3 priority, bring about a crisis that has severe consequences for his failure. Consequences can bring a selfish person to pause and think about doing the right thing.

*While you are waiting to see if he changes you are to get yourself in the most self-sufficient (emotionally, financially, etc) position that you can.* That way if he fails then you have many more options and the pain will not be as intense. . Right now you are at a disadvantage; you can change that in the next months or years. If he will not change then you need a PLAN with long range goals that is best for you and your children! *Use that plan with your mind/intelligence but not your emotions!*


You cannot put your emotions and trust into the hands of your husband that has proven to remove you and your children from his top priority.

*There is a possibility that he will change and your marriage will be better but improving your self is a win-win no mater if you stay married or Divorce.*


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