# hot mess



## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

My husband has been saying he is moving out since early December. Says because we have not had an intimate relationship in about 9 mos he has no intimate feelings for me. We are both 50, have been married 22 years. Have 2 teenage children. He says he hasn't left yet because he doesn't want to hurt me or the kids. Help!!!!! I'm a wreck!!!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why haven't you had an intimate relationship in 9 months? Have you talked about it before his announcement?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why aren't you being intimate. He is going to leave you after 22 years of marriage over not having sex for 9 months? There has to be something else going on, that's a lame reason. Is he seeing someone else, that's usually the reason men leave their wives, they are getting sex elsewhere.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

No, he just announced it early Dec. still here. We fought through an affair, taking care of our young children as priority. Our relationship suffered. He has spent the last year sitting on the sofa drinking watching tv until after 11p, apparently contemplating his unhappiness in his head by himself.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Affair was 7 years ago.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Who had the affair?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why no sex?


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

The affair was 7 years ago, was his with an employee. He got fired from his job. We had to move out of state for him to work. Our focus was our grade school children and their wellbeing. We have definitely neglected ourselves. I asked him to go out of town, just the two of us last Fall. Wouldn't do it. We have had no discussion about this, he just sprung it on me December. But is still living in the house. Is very hard.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

I know he carries a ton of guilt and that can sure eat away at a person. He has never gotten any help for himself. He worries a lot, self medicated w alcohol. I'm a stay at home mom that adores my children. My oldest will be leaving for college after this semester.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

We did a little counseling together. He got a promotion and we moved and never found a new Dr. He did one or two sessions alone after the affair but that's it. I did several then and am in therapy now. He says he does not need a Dr, although he admits that he is battling himself. My guess is guilt he buried has turned into depression. The drinking has been going on well over a year, every night drinking.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

I guess there was a point where I lost interest. He came home from work, poured a drink, and sat on the sofa until midnight drinking some nights. I would say I'm going to bed and he would say be there soon, hours later still in living room drinking. Didn't like to say goodnight, said that was weird. The loss of interest began when the drinking became heavy. For years after the affair we had a great sex life. Sure some bumpy roads but always overcame. I asked him today, we have nothing left to lose, is there someone else I'm battling. He said the battle is with himself. I'm worried.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

He said to me today he has it set up where I never have to work again if I don't want to. Will continue to pay for house, car everything. Nothing changes. Doesn't feel he's abandoning the family as he will always be there for us. But he hasn't left. Hasn't even looked. Doesn't know when he will.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Did he do everything he could to walk away from the affair, have no contact with the other woman and do everything he could to support you as you and help rebuild the trust?

Prior to the last 9 months, what was your sex life like? Why do you feel it has gotten this bad?

I'm certainly not blaming anyone here (we don't know enough to do that) but it's worth remembering how incredibly important, essential is actually the more accurate word, sex is in a marriage, I think for men especially. For most husbands, the sexual relationship they have with their wives is the primary means that they feel respect, which is ultimately what they value most. (Obviously everyone enjoys a good orgasm, but what makes the sex more important is the respect feel from it) So going without sex for a long period can be devastating, and I think most men will struggle with how to express that.

It sure sounds like he hasn't put forth much effort to "woo" you either, or even initiate, so that sure does make it tough as well...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He's an alcoholic and needs to go to AA. He probably needs to leave the home as he isn't being a good role model for your children or a good husband to you when he is drunk. I can understand why you would loose interest in him sexually. Instead of being upset that he is leaving you should be more upset that he is an alcoholic. If he was my husband and he was sitting on the couch drinking all night I would tell him to get help or get out. That's what you should do. Don't let it be his decision to leave when he feels like it. He also had an affair? He doesn't like a great husband. I think I'd be happy to see him leave.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Threatening you with divorce is really an awful and scary thing. It's just plain cruel. I can't imagine it. 

Have you seen an attorney yet? That would be the first on my to do list. Just so I could find out my options. Don't trust him to take care of you. You need to be proactive in this and not let him keep you in limbo. Really what I would do is just file for divorce.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, have you read up on the 180 as a means of helping you heal?

Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting® has a list of actions to help you.

We obviously don't know if your H is depressed or an alcoholic or still having an A. What we can pretty much guarantee, however, is that his situation will not change unless and until he wants to alter his behavior. That means he has to stop drinking (if that's what is holding him back) or go to a doctor (if its depression) or quit fooling around (if its still the A). You can encourage him, and provide him with tools, but he has to be willing to do it.

And you have to be willing to walk away if he won't, or risk getting pulled down with him. Are you?
If you really are willing and able to be strong, then you go the attorney and start things (you can always pull the plug before its final). You tell H this situation is not working and be specific. Then do the 180.


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## Overat50 (Jan 26, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> OP, have you read up on the 180 as a means of helping you heal?
> 
> Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting® has a list of actions to help you.
> 
> ...




You are right! I've been in therapy 2 weeks and realize that I will probably have to make the decisions as he is unable. He is still here. He has to make the change. I do not want to get pulled down with him. My children are far to important. This is why I started therapy, to take care of myself so I can take care of my kids. I started the 180 a few days ago and find it surprisingly easy. I'm starting to think I might be happier on my own.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Thought I would check in and see if there has been any changes of note?


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