# Am I wrong to have this expectation?



## tahitidreams4me (9 mo ago)

So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Have you ever talked to him about it? 

I joking tease my husband that he's mister No-manse (a play on how unromantic he is). But I have taught him what I need to be happy -- the occasional text, greeting cards & for him to make a fuss on holidays, birthdays & anniversaries. He countered that stuff was silly & unimportant. I asked if I was import to him & of course he said yes so I explained that all those things made me feel important & the absence of them made me feel like he didn't care which hurt my feelings. He still doesn't understand why I care about stuff like that but he makes the effort & loves how happy I get when he does those things. That said, I plan most of our dates. If I didn't, at best I'd get taken to the local VFW or American Legion once in a while.  While both organizations are great they are not my idea of a good date.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

D0nnivain said:


> Have you ever talked to him about it?
> 
> I joking tease my husband that he's mister No-manse (a play on how unromantic he is). But I have taught him what I need to be happy -- the occasional text, greeting cards & for him to make a fuss on holidays, birthdays & anniversaries. He countered that stuff was silly & unimportant. I asked if I was import to him & of course he said yes so I explained that all those things made me feel important & the absence of them made me feel like he didn't care which hurt my feelings. He still doesn't understand why I care about stuff like that but he makes the effort & loves how happy I get when he does those things.


* Triggered *

And if he fails with the occasional text, greeting cards? When you two were dating you didn't make him celebrate international girlfriend day did you?



> That said, I plan most of our dates. If I didn't, at best I'd get taken to the local VFW or American Legion once in a while.  While both organizations are great they are not my idea of a good date.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


No, you have your needs, how about his? Can always start with this book:








His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage : Harley, Willard F. Jr.: Amazon.com.au: Books


His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage : Harley, Willard F. Jr.: Amazon.com.au: Books



www.amazon.com.au


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> And if he fails with the occasional text, greeting cards? When you two were dating you didn't make him celebrate international girlfriend day did you?


It's not a litmus test nor is there a schedule. If he doesn't send me a test in a while (more than 6 months) I will send him one or simply say I haven't gotten any flirty texts in a while. 

As for the card there is no failing. When we first got together he would buy me a card & sign his name on it. That was it. No Dear D0nnivain. No date. No Love, him. Just his name. Drove me crazy because that is not the proper way to write a card. Now he does it right. 

That is a trivial example but the fact that he "changed" for me warms my heart & makes it all the more special.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

D0nnivain said:


> ...Now he does it right.
> 
> That is a trivial example but the fact that he *"changed"* for me warms my heart & makes it all the more special.


😖 double triggered...

One year ago I would have agreed with you wholeheartedly, now I'm not so sure, but hey as long as you are both genuinely happy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> Have you ever talked to him about it?
> 
> I joking tease my husband that he's mister No-manse (a play on how unromantic he is). But I have taught him what I need to be happy -- the occasional text, greeting cards & for him to make a fuss on holidays, birthdays & anniversaries. He countered that stuff was silly & unimportant. I asked if I was import to him & of course he said yes so I explained that all those things made me feel important & the absence of them made me feel like he didn't care which hurt my feelings. He still doesn't understand why I care about stuff like that but he makes the effort & loves how happy I get when he does those things. That said, I plan most of our dates. If I didn't, at best I'd get taken to the local VFW or American Legion once in a while.  While both organizations are great they are not my idea of a good date.


Sad, but sounds workable because you are willing to be amenable.

It sounds like he might be a tad on the spectrum.
The lesser presentation(s) are more common than many think.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tahitidreams4me said:


> I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


The man is totally checked out.

I would divorce him, with no reservations.

Other than paying bills, he is a food and utility consumer.

Your family deserves better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Was he always like this?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No, you’re not wrong to have an expectation of being “seen” and loved. Why does he work so much? Sounds like a really exhausting schedule.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> While both organizations are great they are not my idea of a good date.


American Legion bingo is awesome. I like their hot dogs and cheap coffee.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do you work? Or is he exhausted working 7 days a week to keep things afloat financially because you don't work?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Of course you're not wrong for feeling this way and wanting these things. Step one is to talk to him about it, without unintentionally (or intentionally) attacking him, and trying to get him to understand how much this upsets you. 

I didn't give my wife cards or gifts, didn't acknowledge her birthdays, holidays, Mother's Day, etc. until **** hit the fan and I realized how much of a **** I had been. Not doing those things had nothing to do with how I felt about her though. I thought (and continue to think) that cards, gifts, holidays, etc. are stupid, and I worried way too much about doing, buying, or saying something she wouldn't like. Eventually I realized those things are important to her and that's what should matter to me. 

So talk to him. If you have talked to him before, really think about how you did it. This can be helpful. 










You may say "well, if I have to TELL him to do those things then it's not special". That's not good communication and won't get you anywhere. 

There is also a chance that he won't change, though. In that case, you have to think about whether you want to live like this (and raise your children like this) or not. Depending on why he is the way he is, individual or marriage counseling may help. 

Is he working so much because he has to? If not, why do you think he is doing it? 

You can also teach your children to be respectful, chivalrous, etc. adults even if your husband doesn't model those behaviors. It's certainly easier if he models those things, and it's harder if he outright tells the kids those things are stupid, but it's still possible.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Are you sure he even exists? 

Listen don't gaslight yourself to be able to accept the unaccepted. There is nothing wrong with wanting some appreciation. Was he raised Jehovah's witness or something? I don't believe they believe in giving gifts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


Has he always been like this? If not what was it like when you two first got together and when did things start to go down hill?

Do you do things for him on Father's Day? Do you buy him birthday and Christmas presents?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and *he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is close*d.
> 
> .......They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me.
> 
> ........I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course *because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me* ......


I had wished that you would have responded to some of the questions.

I would repeat have you talked to your husband, communicated your needs, and LISTENED to his response?

Why does your husband work so much? What did his role models teach him. Is he trying to be a "good provider" for his wife and family? Is he trying to support a families lifestyle that is beyond his earning potential and putting in the extra hours just to financially make ends meet? Or, is he working so hard to avoid coming home to be with his wife and family? You should try to find the answers to these questions, and it may not be easy.

You should also look at yourself in the mirror. Does your family have a budget that allows for savings? If not, can you figure out ways to cut back on expenses or perhaps get a part-time of full-time job to help reduce the financial pressure on your husband?

I am concerned about you statement "because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me."
I get the part about how you feel his lack of presents, lack of time with you is hurtful and in turn you may feel that is "hateful." However, in my book, hurtful can be by lack of understand, but hateful implies intent. If he truly is treating you hatefully, why do you think that is? Usually, it is because he would feel you have done something intentionally hateful to him. So have you? 

If you have, apologize to him, tell him you want his help in your changing the way you treat him. Then change your behavior. Of course you may be a total victim. However, in my 73 years on this planet, my experience is that there are usually no "true victims" in a marriage relationship, that it usually takes two to fight.

Good luck in finding out the underlying problem and resolving it.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

tahitidreams4me said:


> He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him.


Not getting you gifts is bad enough, but him not doing anything for the kids either, makes me think that there is a lot of resentment. That or he could be having an affair.

If he is avoiding coming home, he is probably miserable at home. I'm guessing it's because he does not feel appreciated or respected. Those are the two biggest things to a lot of men.

Do you go out of your way to show him respect and appreciation? It might be hard to do right now, because you feel so unappreciated, but it would probably make a difference (if it's not too late). You also have to do so without expectations.

Keeping on the way things are isn't working, so try something else.

Also, try saying things as a request instead of a complaint:

"You never spend time with me" will send him running away.

"I miss you. Let's do something fun" might just get his attention.

What are the "marriage problems"?


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Have you ever talked to him about it?


Good question!!

The way he's acting is cause for concern. It sure doesn't sound like he's interested in his family anymore, and that's not good. Look closely.....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


He sounds awful. What made you marry him?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@tahitidreams4me 

You've started two threads, those two posts started only and haven't returned to either thread. 

Have things gotten better hopefully?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


So tell us s we hat he does with the wages, what your responsibilities are in the marriage….. etc. we’ve heard your perspective. What’s his? He works 7 days a week. That’s awful. Why does he do this?

there’s a different response for the man who works every day while his wife is a “stay at home mom” and spends his entire pay on his family, than for the guy that loves his job and he ignores his family.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

tahitidreams4me said:


> So my husband never takes me out on dates, EVER, and he works 7 days a week all day, he never comes home until every where in town is closed. He does not buy me flowers EVER, not for any holiday or any birthday or special occasion, he is in no way romantic at all with me, no little surprises to show me he is thinking about me or anything. He didnt get me a christmas present just this last year, and didnt do anything at all for my birthday no present no dinner no plans at all , and even mothers day was heartbreaking, he didn't get me flowers not a card or anything literally nothing. I did not get any kind of breakfast in bed or dinner , he couldn't even do the dishes or ask the kids to do them. They treated me like I was not important to them at all, I am feeling very hurt by this, and I don't think it is my kids' fault , I think he is greatly influencing them with his apparent disregard for me. I feel like this is horrible, I am wanting to raise good, respectful and loving children who are caring and thoughtful and giving but despite all my efforts he seems to be the one with more influence over them and so of course because of our marriage problems he is hateful towards me and it shows in all his actions towards me. Is it wrong of me to find this type of behavior wrong and hurtful?? He didn't even get our kids a christmas present either and disregarded them on their birthdays as well ..... it is heartbreaking to me and causes much of my frustration with him. I just don't know what to do and if I'm wrong I need to know so I can change my perspective.


I could have written this 20 years ago. My husband was exactly like this. I did not want my sons to grow up thinking this was normal. I divorced him (he was having an affair too). Life is so much better. X


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Was he like this when you dated? 

And something sounds really odd about his work schedule and lack of interest in your and your children. Could there be someone else?


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