# Desperate for advice!



## Mab (Dec 12, 2011)

I have been married to my husband for five years and together for seven years. I am now 31 and we have a 5 year old. I still love my husband very much and I don't think I will ever love someone as much as I love him. But I have to admit he has been pushing me away the past few years due to his treatment of me. I am not really allowed to have any friends, I am definitely a second class citizen in this marriage. I have absolutely no say so in any decisions. It's always what he wants. My 5 year has more say so then I do. I have to do everything he asks of me just the way he wants it and when he wants it done. I even have to word things to him a certain way or he will ignore me or gets very angry. I go to bed when he says, I get up when he says, everything is controlled by him. The only thing he does is work and that's it. I go to nursing school all day long, take and pick our kid up from school, cook, clean, laundry, pay bills...I do everything. He makes very good money but he won't even pay for my school he's making me take loans out so I can repay it when I graduate and start working. I asked him if he could pick up our kid from school the other day cause I had exam that was going to go over and he said no. 

All of this I can deal with. It's just the way he talks to me and constantly puts me down that I cant handle. I am so very sad. I have no one I can talk to about this. I have to put on a happy face for everyone and pretend my life is great. It should be right? I have no family within 3000 miles of me. He's made sure of that. I am at a lost of what to do. I am so scared of waking up one day in my forties miserable and feeling like it's too late to start over. But then again I want to stay because of our child. And I keep thinking one day he will change and just be nice. That's all I want is for him to be nice. To treat like I am his equal.


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## nickiblue (Feb 20, 2011)

it is not ok that you feel like this. you shouldnt have to pretend everything is great when it is not.you only get one life and you need to make it a good one, for you and your child.
talk to friends and family- skype is brilliant for that.
you must tell your H how you feel. pick a time when it is just the 2 of you and he has no other choice but to listen. i suggest go on a long drive somewhere and start telling him when you are far enough away that you have time to explain how you have been feeling. i strongly reccommend that you should ask him to couples councelling too.
good luck x


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think talking to him will help. How long has he been like this and was it ever better. You are more like his slave than his wife. And you dont seem to be able to leave either. You have to get someone else to talk to him. He will be very angry that you have discussed him with someone else but you will have somehow to bear that. You say you love him do you think he loves you as well. Are you scared of him.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

It seems your H is extremely controlling and abusive.

All of those things you mention in your first paragraph, which you say you can deal with.... are not Ok. 

Your H doesn't let you have friends or family, to isolate your. This is a common technique used by abusers. By doing this he removes your support system, and you have nobody to help you or to tell you how messed up your situation is.

You say you love him very much. What exactly do you love of him? Was he always this way?

Usually persons who are "ok" to be in these types of relationships, have co-dependency traits. Research co-dependency on the web.

You should go see an individual counselor. You need to talk to somebody.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

RunningOnEmpty;512979
You should go see an individual counselor. You need to talk to somebody.[/QUOTE said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Mab (Dec 12, 2011)

accept said:


> I dont think talking to him will help. How long has he been like this and was it ever better. You are more like his slave than his wife. And you dont seem to be able to leave either. You have to get someone else to talk to him. He will be very angry that you have discussed him with someone else but you will have somehow to bear that. You say you love him do you think he loves you as well. Are you scared of him.


No I am not scared of him in a physical way. I know he would never hit me. I think he uses that as a way to justify his treatment of me. Meaning as long as he doesnt hit me then he is still a good husband. But I am scared to leave him. He has already told me that if I ever did there is no way he would let me have anything, especially our child. And I believe him. He always gets what he wants when he sets his mind to it. He is a very forceful person. He has always been this way, which is why I feel this is mainly my fault because he hasnt changed. He is the same as he was since day one. I am the one who has just gotten fed up with being his slave! I have asked him to go to couples therapy but he says no. He feels there is nothing wrong. And why would he? He is god's greatest gift and he can do wrong. I think some days he even thinks he is god! 

Im glad you asked if he loved me because I think that all the time. I think that if he loved then there is no way he could be so disrespecting to me. I did like your suggestion of having someone talk to him. That is an idea I have not thought of. It may be helpful for him to hear from someone besides me of what he is throwing away. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mab said:


> No I am not scared of him in a physical way. I know he would never hit me. I think he uses that as a way to justify his treatment of me. Meaning as long as he doesnt hit me then he is still a good husband.


Now that’s scary, because what it means is that if he ever feels like you are not under his control he could escalate to violence. As long as an abusive controller can use just words then it’s ok.

There is always the option to use violence. Has he ever grabbed your arm? Pushed you? Or otherwise been physical with you?

Even if he has never hit you, what you describe is a seriously abusive relationship.


Mab said:


> But I am scared to leave him. He has already told me that if I ever did there is no way he would let me have anything, especially our child. And I believe him.


He does not have the power to do these things. You have legal rights. You are entitled to 50% of all assets that have been accumulated during your marriage. You are most likely entitled to interim spousal support until the divorce if final. And you are entitled to child support. 

Do you rent or own the place you line in? Are you aware of the bills, debt, checking, savings, investments, etc? If not you need to start finding all of this out. If he has been keeping this info from you start finding it and don’t tell him what you are doing.

Do you need info on what your rights are?



Mab said:


> He always gets what he wants when he sets his mind to it. He is a very forceful person. He has always been this way, which is why I feel this is mainly my fault because he hasnt changed. He is the same as he was since day one. I am the one who has just gotten fed up with being his slave! I have asked him to go to couples therapy but he says no. He feels there is nothing wrong. And why would he? He is god's greatest gift and he can do wrong. I think some days he even thinks he is god!


He gets what he wants because he finds people with no boundaries that he can push around. You said it yourself. When you first met him he was like this and you put up with it. I’m not criticizing you.. only trying to point out something that I learned a long time ago. My ex husband was abusive.. he eventually turned physically abusive. When I left him I was in counseling as a victim of spousal abuse. The counselor asked what I hoped to get out of the counseling. My answer was that I wanted to find out why I got into this type of relationship so that I would never do it again. Her answer was that she already knew the answer to that one… it’s not big mystery.. abusers look for people with no boundaries. Abusers don’t realize that they are doing this but they do it subconsciously. They do little things to test a potential partner. Most people will walk away with a test of inappropriate behavior… but the last one left is the one with no boundaries, the one who will allow themself to be abused. That was me… and …..



Mab said:


> Im glad you asked if he loved me because I think that all the time. I think that if he loved then there is no way he could be so disrespecting to me. I did like your suggestion of having someone talk to him. That is an idea I have not thought of. It may be helpful for him to hear from someone besides me of what he is throwing away. Thanks.


I would be very careful about having anyone talk to him. He’s isolating you for a reason. On some level he knows that his behavior is wrong. He is afraid of losing you. Does he love you? Most likely he does not experience love feelings like most people do. It’s the need to validate himself by controlling you that is important to him. If you talk to someone about him, he will most likely try to make your world even smaller so that you have no one to talk to.

Please see an IC and/or call an abused woman’s center. They will often provide free counseling and help you get out of this situation. If there is a way to help your husband change, they would have the tools.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

* It may be helpful for him to hear from someone besides me of what he is throwing away. Thanks*
No I wouldnt say it like that. You shouldnt talk about throwing away. That is threatening which is done too often on here.
Just get someone to read your post, if possible a man and then talk to him.


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