# I’ve lost my wife…



## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Hi guys, I’ve posted my new member introduction so feel free to check that post for a quick background on myself.

Where do I start? I’ve met my wife in October 2001 at school. I secretly admired her up until September 2003 where I told her that I have strong feelings for her. Unfortunately, she was with someone at the time. It was at this point I tried relentlessly to forget her but in between we would have some phone conversations. She would be the one to initiate the call in most if not all instances.

In August 2004, I was on my way to Texas to witness the graduation of my brother and before I left, I decided to give her a small package containing letters that I typed but never got the chance to give her because I was simply too shy at the time.

I think it was in January or February of 2005, I received a surprised phone call from her where she was in a bit of distress. It appears the relationship with her boyfriend was either over or coming to an end. I tried to support her over the next few months especially knowing that perhaps I may have a chance finally to be with her.

I would like to point out that in no time whatsoever was I disrespectful to her or her body. I did not bring any shame or dishonor to any of our families. We never kissed nor even touched each other.

After spending more time with each other, it was not until August of 2005 that I took her to the local Botanical Gardens and went down on my knees and asked her to be my girlfriend. She accepted. I then brought her to my parents’ home in September 2005 to introduce her to my parents and brother.

On December 2011 at a local hotel, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She accepted but before that, I asked her parents and siblings permission to marry my girlfriend. Upon receiving their blessings, I proceeded to purchase the engagement ring. We subsequently got married in July 2012. The wedding was a great time where we shared our special day with around 300 guests.

Fast forward to September 2019, my wife told me that she is pregnant as she took a pregnancy test for verification. We confirmed the pregnancy in early October 2019 at a gynecologist. I never left my wife’s side as I’ve always been with her to each doctor‘s appointment.

We welcomed the birth of our daughter in May 2020 where I was given the opportunity to cut the umbilical cord. 

Ever since June 2020, I’ve witnessed the decay of our marriage. I’ve had some issues with my mother in law in the past but it got progressively worse since then even though we appear to be normal to each other in person. Similarly, I had a bad encounter with my father in law in May 2021.

I noticed that my wife argues with me a lot and does not speak to me much anymore. She doesn’t confide in me and she basically has no romantic interest in me anymore. We do not see eye-to-eye on many aspects of our marriage and basically accuses me of being an abuser for the past 16 years.

Admittedly, I recognize that I do have several behavioral concerns to deal with but in no way did I ever physically abuse her especially where there had to be intervention by family, friends of even law enforcement in our lives. She has successfully ‘guilt tripped’ me into thinking that I am and was the worse possible husband I could ever be.

Not withstanding, my wife is not without her faults as well. She has deceived me in the past but I forgave her. She remains very secretive and does not like to talk on her phone nor message other people especially in my presence.

Going forward, I profusely apologized to her and her relatives for my behavior over the years. I want my wife and I want my daughter to be in a stable home where she has both her mommy and daddy around. My wife did come from a broken home and she told me that she has all right to divorce me because I broke my marital covenant to her in being a bad husband.

This whole scenario is so bizarre that I was beginning to wonder if the actual problem was her, meaning that she probably cheated and that guilt hangs over her head and therefore she is finding every possible fault about me to give her a sense of justification. Be it as it may, I have no evidence of her ever cheating on me but I do have a particular instance where she gave me some doubt. This took place on December 2018.

Currently, my wife really does not care if I exist or not. I can basically leave our marital home and she won’t care. Even if I cheat or abandon her, she really does not care. I think my wife has fallen out of love with me and despite my efforts to make it work, she basically gives me the cold shoulder and I cannot even touch her.

It really breaks my heart especially this whole situation coming to a high point mere days before Christmas but all I want is for her to love me once again so that we can be a properly functioning family. We have some counseling sessions coming up in January so perhaps this may be a good start.

My wife is my first and she would be my last. I married my first girlfriend and thus I have no desire to pursue another relationship. If it is God‘s will that we be divorced then so it shall be but my concern is our daughter. She is such a beautiful, intelligent and precious gift that I cannot fathom the thought of not seeing her like I used to.

Any advice that you all can give would be greatly appreciated. If you made it this far in my long post then thank you all very much for lending me an ear. May God Bless you all and Merry Christmas from my family to yours.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well you are right sounds like she is done. Sounds like the birth of your daughter made her decide she wasn't going to spend her life with whatever behaviors you were showing.

So what was the behaviors that she is sighting? 

If she is done do you want to stay married or are you looking for ideas on how to separate and divorce?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean there must be changes in the marriage after a child is born and they are a baby and really going forward from there, but especially when they are a baby or toddler and require constant attention. Sex usually does become very infrequent after childbirth and while the child is exhausting like that. I believe she thinks you are not helping enough around the house or with the child and that is leaving her exhausted. I believe she considers that mentally abusive as many women do. It sounds to me like you may have just been expecting life to go on as usual for you. That isn't realistic. 

That is the most common cause for what you describe, but I am very interested in what your mother-in-law and father-in-law are having issues with you about.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Thank you all so much for the quick replies. Currently it’s after mid night where I am so I’ll be as brief, honest and factual as possible.

Anastasia, I am looking for advice to stay married but also would not deny information that could help me in the event that divorce is in the cards.

DownByTheRiver, basically, my wife accuses me of being arrogant, argumentative, verbally abusive and a narcissist. This is quite a shocker to me cause I’ve never received this feedback from anyone I know from relatives to colleagues to neighbors and friends etc. I’m the kind of person that likes to slip in a room and head to the back. I don’t even have any social media handles so some words used to describe me just doesn’t add up.

Also, I do everything for her. I make sure the vehicles are fully serviced and are gassed up. I ensure all bills are paid and documents filed from utilities to insurance etc. I’m a neat freak so I love a clean house. I vacuum, sanitize wash dishes, wash clothes, mow the lawn, clean the cars myself and a host of other things. Things I don’t do is iron/press clothes, cook and clean bathrooms but I try and help where possible. I even make sure all tech devices are fully connected and updated and everything from our tablet, laptops, printer, CCTV system and mobile phones are up to mark and fully functional.

Lastly, the two issues I’ve had with my in-laws is one with my mother in law back in June 2020. I accused her of being accusatory at me and we both shared unfortunate words against each other in my home. She basically came over for a few days to help her daughter (my wife) with the baby. In my opinion she was not much of any help but I could be biased.

In May 2021, my father in law visited our home unannounced and when I politely spoke to him about it, it became an issue. I only raised this with him because he has this rule where before anyone visits him, we must first call ahead so I simply reciprocated same.

In both instances above, my wife has a different account of what happened and she deserves the right to explain but this is my point of view. The long and short of this is, I’ve since apologized to both my mother and father in law where I do not sense any animosity between us anymore. In fact, my father in law has returned to messaging me a couple of weeks now almost on a daily basis with inspirational forwards which I appreciate and I promised to obtain some information concerning her car from a local dealership which I forwarded to her mere hours ago and she was appreciative of that.

Over the years my mother in law turned to me to help her with her cars which I enjoyed doing. I even helped my father in law a couple of years ago back when he had a stroke and required medical attention. I’ve also helped both my sister and brother in law with their respective cars as this is a joy and passion that I have.

It hit me like a bus that now I’m seen as this evil person. It’s depressing. I just like to help people including my parents. I know I’ve got some rough edges but the pain inflicted on me is too much for me to bear.

I’m beginning to wonder if my wife is suffering from a stress disorder as a result of being a first time mother. She is also still breast feeding our daughter so I’m not sure if it’s emotions due to hormonal imbalances etc. Whatever it is, I know my wife quite well. She is very educated and she is well established in her career. People tend to take her word on things based on her title, influence and level of experience.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You say your wife deceived you in the past but you forgave her. In what way did she deceive you? And why would you think she might be cheating now and wanting to divert the blame?


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Thanks for the question. I can’t remember too much details except that it was back in Dec 2018 and she was having a conversation with a male colleague via WhatsApp. When I enquired on it, she lied and told me that she had no conversation with him. When I got hold of her phone, she simply cleared the entire conversation history and described her encounter to be “plutonic”. She is close with him, I can’t deny that because it was her who organized his last job (incidentally they both came from the same past employer) and he moved on to his current employer based on my wife’s recommendation which is incidentally also her current employer. So they both share current and past employers.

To answer the second part of the question, her accusations are so bizarre as she has painted me to be an ‘antichrist‘ of some sort. She basically takes little to zero responsibility for her past mistakes and now she punishes me with no intimacy and other measures I can’t divulge at this time. That’s the only reason why I came up with that explanation but it doesn’t mean it’s true because I have no evidence of cheating. She is secretive and yes she has a lot of guy friends especially with high paying jobs so I tried to place a link there but I may be wrong or probably insecure about it.

May I also point out, my wife indicated to me tonight that she is not desirous of having another child for me and roughly about a month ago, she went by a gynecologist to get an injection which is like a birth control shot. The weird thing is, since we’re not intimate (last time we had intercourse was around Dec 3rd representing just a handful of intimate occasions since becoming a mother), it’s like the injection makes no sense since no intimacy means 0 likelihood of becoming pregnant.

May I also point out that my wife (then girlfriend) made a promise to me back in September 2006 that she would have 2 kids for me. She remembers the occasion and her response to that now is, “times have changed”. I’m getting this feeling as I type this that my marriage is over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s over, she’s cheating. Sorry bro.

guarding phone, plutonic make friends that follow her to different jobs, birth control when you’re not having sex, she’s vilifying you to her parents and others, rewriting marital history….
Soon you’ll get the ILYBINILWY speech, she’ll be asking for space, she’ll move out to spend more time with her AP, snd you’ll be wondering what went wrong when she moves out snd your daughter meets mom’s new guy “friend”.

what country are you in?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Adrian,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, especially with a new baby. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife is cheating and has some skeletons she doesn't want you finding. She's certainly not behaving in a manner that engenders trust (deleting texts to prevent you from seeing the content).

@ Evinrude58 He's in Trinidad and Tobago.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

I’m from the country that caused quite a stir on US news back in September concerning a case of a swollen male appendage due to a certain vaccine Lol. I’m referring to Trinidad & Tobago, W.I. (Caribbean).

It looks like I may need to hire a private investigator. If I do this, would it be considered an act of distrust? I just don’t want to give her another reason to accuse me and put me down.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Thanks for the question. I can’t remember too much details except that it was back in Dec 2018 and she was having a conversation with a male colleague via WhatsApp. When I enquired on it, she lied and told me that she had no conversation with him. When I got hold of her phone, she simply cleared the entire conversation history and described her encounter to be “plutonic”. She is close with him, I can’t deny that because it was her who organized his last job (incidentally they both came from the same past employer) and he moved on to his current employer based on my wife’s recommendation which is incidentally also her current employer. So they both share current and past employers.
> 
> To answer the second part of the question, her accusations are so bizarre as she has painted me to be an ‘antichrist‘ of some sort. She basically takes little to zero responsibility for her past mistakes and now she punishes me with no intimacy and other measures I can’t divulge at this time. That’s the only reason why I came up with that explanation but it doesn’t mean it’s true because I have no evidence of cheating. She is secretive and yes she has a lot of guy friends especially with high paying jobs so I tried to place a link there but I may be wrong or probably insecure about it.
> 
> ...


She's in the process of replacing you with somebody else who gave her a good orgasm, or several, at some point previously during your marriage.
You are what we call the the Plan B. That means that she will only be interested in keeping you if the person she wants to replace you with doesn't work out.
There is no amount of cajoling or begging or insisting that is going to change this.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your child.

Most times, the replacement doesn't work out and she will come back to you, but she will not respect you ever again.
We do not recommend taking her back once she has fallen out of love with you.
You're a in a better position for a better relationship than she, but she doesn't realize that.
You have a higher chance of finding a good woman to replace your wife than she has to replace you.

The best thing to do is end the relationship with her and keep in contact with your daughter.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

I don’t know what else to say except that I am saddened. It hurts so bad because now if this turns out to be true, the only loser in all of this is our daughter and she doesn’t deserve it at all.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> I don’t know what else to say except that I am saddened. It hurts so bad because now if this turns out to be true, the only loser in all of this is our daughter and she doesn’t deserve it at all.


You have that right. We are sorry that you are going through this.
Neither your daughter nor you deserve this.
The only thing you can do is move faster than your wife in ending the marriage, because moving faster than her will end it more favourably to you than to her.
Her only hope in saving the marriage, if she wants to save it, is to prove absolutely that she is being faithful.
That means open access to her cellphone and social media accounts.
Any proof of deleted messages must be viewed as an act of guilt on her part.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When your wife is acting like you’re a bad guy and she shows you nothing but disdain, you shouldn’t worry about hiring an investigator to help get to the truth. Just do it.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

DNA test your daughter. 50/50 chance she is not yours.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

You have better control over yourself than I, OP. 

If my in laws came to MY HOUSE to talk trash to me, I'd tell them to get bent and never come back (trying to use family friendly words here. Things would go MUCH worse). No way in hell am j going to be disrespected jn my my house.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Guys, I appreciate the raw sentiment and advice etc. I realize I’ve been a naive person for years. I’m ashamed of myself.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AdrianTT said:


> Guys, I appreciate the raw sentiment and advice etc. I realize I’ve been a naive person for years. I’m ashamed of myself.


The classic first step in most self-help programs is to realize that you have a problem. You realize that you have been naive in your dealings with women. That is a pretty big step. Now the question is are your ready for the second step and the rest of the self-improvement program. I hope so, as you have a small child.

Whether you like it or not, you will probably always have some form of relationship with the mother of your child and the mother-in-law you don't care for. How you make peace or set up a truce with them my determine some of your future happiness and that of your child.

I would like to suggest that you read a few books and get some individual counseling. The first book is Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. A "Nice Guy" is code words for a male who is co-dependent on women, who has been raised to please and do things for female authority figures. When one stops being a Nice Guy, one does not become a jerk, instead one becomes an integrated man, a man of conviction, a man of character, with dreams and ethics. Women find real men much more attractive than Nice Guys who they tend to use. 

Another book I would recommend is David Schnarch's book the Crucible. This is a concept that marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do. Marriage is a people/character growing machine. Marriage takes two dissimilar metals (people) and in the heat and pressure of marriage combines them into a new and different and more powerful metal. Marriage is a process by which two people constantly pull and push each other to higher levels of growth and self differentiation done through negotiation between them. In marriage there is tension and negotiation on everything, the amount of sex, the number of children, how to raise the children, what to eat, what kind of house or apartment to live in, what to save your money for, when and where to take vacations, budgets, etc. The stress and magic of the marriage machine is that the agreement at age 25, probably needs to change at age 30, then again at age 35, and then age 40, etc.

You also need to talk to a good divorce attorney. Let me emphasize that you need to not be taken financially to the cleaners by your wife and you need to be financially healthy so you can financially support and emotionally support your child. You will likely need an attorney to help with that.

Good luck.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

AdrianTT said:


> …in no way did I ever physically abuse her especially where there had to be intervention by family, friends of even law enforcement in our lives.


What were the ways you abused her mentally where law enforcement wasn’t required? Or was that just an odd sentence?



AdrianTT said:


> I took her to the local Botanical Gardens and went down on my knees and asked her to be my girlfriend.


Is that normal where you’re from?



AdrianTT said:


> …my wife accuses me of being arrogant, argumentative, verbally abusive and a narcissist.


Is there any basis for these accusations? Your post reads really weird and I can’t tell if it’s just how you write or if it is revealing something about you.

You kind of describe the pedestal you built up for her in the first few paragraphs. What were you doing while she was with her previous boyfriend? Were you writing her love notes and orbiting hoping she’d become available the entire time?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AdrianTT said:


> it’s like the injection makes no sense since no intimacy means 0 likelihood of becoming pregnant.


You said you two haven't had sex since December 3rd. Do you mean this year? If not, hire a PI.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow, sorry to hear that OP.

seems like there are a LOT of these "Something bad changed in my wife right after she gave birth ...." threads. 

Is this a covid related thing....being stuck in the home, pregnant, afraid to go outside....twists a person's mind to blame it all somehow on the husband?

not sure what these women are thinking, but all the guys I know would run for the hills if their potential new GF showed up at the doorstep with her 2 month old new baby!!!! do not want!

most men would wonder just how CRAZY she was!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like she’s involved in an affair that has finally gone physical after many years. It almost seems like how you ended up with her in the first place. You developed feelings for her and pursued her even though she was with someone else. She had a crisis in that relationship that caused her to monkey branch to you. Now she’s preparing to repeat the process. 

I strongly suggest you lawyer up. When a wife is getting birth control even though she’s not having sex with you, it’s because she’s at the very least decided to have sex with her OM. Doesn’t mean she has already had sex. But I’d bet money, she has already been at the very least low level physical with him.

With her being in wuv, anything you do or say to her say will be met with disdain. So don’t try to nice her. You must be willing to lose the family if you want to have any hope of saving it. But it has to be real, women can sniff out weakness from their husbands from a mile away.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> not sure what these women are thinking, but *all the guys I know would run for the hills if their potential new GF showed up at the doorstep with her 2 month old new baby!!!! do not want!*


Our society has a growing number of simps that are so desperate for any women that they would think stealing some dudes wife with an infant is a win and ok in their book. But OP needs to be sure that the baby is his because her “friendship” with her OM spans several years. Something about a woman that’s willing to have an affair so soon after the birth of the baby makes her real suspect in my eyes.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Guys, I appreciate the raw sentiment and advice etc. I realize I’ve been a naive person for years. I’m ashamed of myself.


Don't be ashamed. When you are married you are supposed to put your full faith and trust in your spouse. For whatever reason your wife appears to have fallen out of love with you and her behavior definitely points to an affair. I would seriously consider a DNA test for your child given that it sounds like something may have been going on prior to when she would have conceived.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry you are here, brother.

It sounds like you pined after her and she accepted but her feelings were probably never as strong as yours. 

I would DNA your child - it's possibly not yours and this is why she has pulled away from you since the birth.

She also might be having a post-partum behavioral change.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Gabriel said:


> I would DNA your child - it's possibly not yours and this is why she has pulled away from you since the birth.


THIS we all agree. 
If it is not your kid, but instead her AP's....let them have her!

the fact that your entire relationship changed for the worse with the birth of your daughter, and then finding out she was having an affair for who knows how long, is VERY SUSPICIOUS.

it is very possible that you were a secret cuckold....one who did not realize he was being cuckolded.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Ccpowerslave, my wife claimed that I abused her physically. I categorically deny this. She has never had any marks or scars or even any evidence of getting the police Involved in our marriage. We had 1 small moment in Dec 2018 but we both held on to each other. She also draws reference to a time back when we were dating that I threw my wallet at her whilst I was driving and I think it struck her hand. To give more context, out of the blue she wanted to see my wallet and it’s contents. I was like what? For what reason? She says she wants to see its contents and I repeatedly said no until she became a nag about it so whilst driving, I retrieved the wallet from my right pocket and simply flung it across to her side of the car to my left (here we drive right handed vehicles as opposed to left handed in North America).

In terms of the proposal location, it seems a bit odd yes I agree. It’s not something guys typically do. I’m a hopeless kind of romantic guy and I simply thought it was the right thing to do. It was important for me to ask than to assume we‘re together because we’ve seen seeing each other more during that time period.

In terms of the accusations of verbal abuse then I will have to say that I’m 100% guilty. We’ve been in countless arguments over the years and my inability to show emotional intelligence gets the better over me and thus I admit to using words that is truly regretted.

VladDracul, if one were to count the number of times we had intercourse from the day we got married to the point of baby being born, I am pretty sure that the maths will reveal that we would be on the lower end of the chart. Most times when I requested, I was turned down. My wife also told me many years ago that I do not please her. If our encounter lasts 15 minutes that’s a lot. So I acknowledge another failure on my part there. 

From the birth of our daughter to Dec 3rd, I would say we had intercourse even less frequent than before. She insisted that I use a condom up until our last encounter because she is no longer able to read her body to calculate ovulation. Her period only started coming back about 2-3 months ago (or so she says). She claims the reason why she went to the gynecologist last month was that I would be able to supposedly return to intercourse this time without a condom cause the injection she got from the doctor will no longer make her pregnant.

Dec 3rd appears to be a day that she allowed me to get through but still insisted I use a condom. She claims that the doctor says, even after getting the injection, a period of 3 weeks must pass before sex is continued without a condom. Prior to Dec 3rd like in the entire month of November up until mid December of this year, she completely turned down my advances. She finally came out and told me more days ago that I am not to touch her or romance her effective immediately. She says the reason for this is she is finally putting up boundaries against me to protect herself.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Ccpowerslave, my wife claimed that I abused her physically. I categorically deny this. She has never had any marks or scars or even any evidence of getting the police Involved in our marriage. We had 1 small moment in Dec 2018 but we both held on to each other. She also draws reference to a time back when we were dating that I threw my wallet at her whilst I was driving and I think it struck her hand. To give more context, out of the blue she wanted to see my wallet and it’s contents. I was like what? For what reason? She says she wants to see its contents and I repeatedly said no until she became a nag about it so whilst driving, I retrieved the wallet from my right pocket and simply flung it across to her side of the car to my left (here we drive right handed vehicles as opposed to left handed in North America).
> 
> In terms of the proposal location, it seems a bit odd yes I agree. It’s not something guys typically do. I’m a hopeless kind of romantic guy and I simply thought it was the right thing to do. It was important for me to ask than to assume we‘re together because we’ve seen seeing each other more during that time period.
> 
> ...


The trying to get you arrested for abuse may be her attempt to get you removed from the house.
Abuse is a lawful reason for allowing divorce.
In America, whomever is in the house, at the time of the divorce, is favoured to get the house in the divorce settlement.

She likely wants to be faithful to whomever she has attached herself to, because having sex with you is not being faithful to him.
That's why she doesn't want to have sex with you, because she is having sex with somebody else.
Notice any males that have been hanging around more than they should?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

AdrianTT said:


> Thanks for the question. I can’t remember too much details except that it was back in Dec 2018 and she was having a conversation with a male colleague via WhatsApp. When I enquired on it, she lied and told me that she had no conversation with him. When I got hold of her phone, she simply cleared the entire conversation history and described her encounter to be “plutonic”. She is close with him, I can’t deny that because it was her who organized his last job (incidentally they both came from the same past employer) and he moved on to his current employer based on my wife’s recommendation which is incidentally also her current employer. So they both share current and past employers.
> 
> To answer the second part of the question, her accusations are so bizarre as she has painted me to be an ‘antichrist‘ of some sort. She basically takes little to zero responsibility for her past mistakes and now she punishes me with no intimacy and other measures I can’t divulge at this time. That’s the only reason why I came up with that explanation but it doesn’t mean it’s true because I have no evidence of cheating. She is secretive and yes she has a lot of guy friends especially with high paying jobs so I tried to place a link there but I may be wrong or probably insecure about it.
> 
> ...


I’m also getting the feeing your wife is cheating.
Have you checked to see if she may be cheating?
Have you DNA tested the child? Do that first.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

I read all the comments and I can assure you all that I have zero pride in me anymore. Let the chips fall as it may. If I am at fault I apologize to my wife daily but she rebukes me. I asked God to forgive me. What I know for sure is that I can’t continue life thinking and behaving the same way, something has to change. Life is too short for this level of bitterness etc.

As for our daughter, I never had any doubts that she wasn’t mine nor any of my relatives because she looks like me. I know science can prove otherwise but regardless if she is biologically mine or not, she will always be my daughter. My name is on the birth certificate since 2 or so says after she was born. I personally registered her and by August of 2020, mere months after her birth, she got her passport, US and Canadian VISA’s.

I will never remove my name from that paper and I will always be in her life till my last breath.

I‘ve never been in a position to be in much scrutiny before (in terms of behavior and marital advice) but I will continue trying to be as open and honest as possible. If you all detect things that is a bit strange or weird with me, feel free to point them out. I can’t enter 2022 with the same thing and expect different results.

Thank you all once again for being there for me. This site is truly a blessing.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> I read all the comments and I can assure you all that I have zero pride in me anymore. Let the chips fall as it may. If I am at fault I apologize to my wife daily but she rebukes me. I asked God to forgive me. What I know for sure is that I can’t continue life thinking and behaving the same way, something has to change. Life is too short for this level of bitterness etc.
> 
> As for our daughter, I never had any doubts that she wasn’t mine nor any of my relatives because she looks like me. I know science can prove otherwise but regardless if she is biologically mine or not, she will always be my daughter. My name is on the birth certificate since 2 or so says after she was born. I personally registered her and by August of 2020, mere months after her birth, she got her passport, US and Canadian VISA’s.
> 
> ...


Healing Infidelity: The 180 for Hurt Spouses


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Jonty30, no but I do know she is close to 2 particular individuals. 1 being the current co-worker I mentioned and the other being a previous co-worker. As I type these responses, my mind reflects on the past and I must admit, my wife did move very secretive over the years especially where her phone is concerned.

In either 2018 or early 2019, I found out that my wife was secretly taking birth control and I was not aware of it. I always wanted to be a daddy and was starting to get scared as to why can’t we not have any kids because my wife was not getting pregnant. I started having doubts on my sperm count etc but never got a chance to check myself. It turns out she deceived me and she apologized. The reason she gave for the birth control was because of the Zika virus scare at the time where babies could be potentially born with a small head condition called microcephaly.

*edited*

I should point out that when she apologized for deceiving me concerning the birth control, she never gave that Zika reference at that point. The only time she mentioned the Zika was exactly 10 days ago.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

AdrianTT said:


> In either 2018 or early 2019, I found out that my wife was secretly taking birth control and I was not aware of it. I always wanted to be a daddy and was starting to get scared as to why can’t we not have any kids because my wife was not getting pregnant. I started having doubts on my sperm count etc but never got a chance to check myself. It turns out she deceived me and she apologized. The reason she gave for the birth control was because of the Zika virus scare at the time where babies could be potentially born with a small head condition called microcephaly.


THAT was your big chance to divorce her.
what she did was so devious, that you SHOULD HAVE questioned why you were married to her back then.
Now you have a daughter to worry about, along with the divorce issues.

but clearly, something is up.
and yes you still should DNA test the daughter. you will wonder about that until the day your die, otherwise. Do not be victim to a con artist.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Jonty30, no but I do know she is close to 2 particular individuals. 1 being the current co-worker I mentioned and the other being a previous co-worker. As I type these responses, my mind reflects on the past and I must admit, my wife did move very secretive over the years especially where her phone is concerned.
> 
> In either 2018 or early 2019, I found out that my wife was secretly taking birth control and I was not aware of it. I always wanted to be a daddy and was starting to get scared as to why can’t we not have any kids because my wife was not getting pregnant. I started having doubts on my sperm count etc but never got a chance to check myself. It turns out she deceived me and she apologized. The reason she gave for the birth control was because of the Zika virus scare at the time where babies could be potentially born with a small head condition called microcephaly.
> 
> ...


She has proven herself to be deceptive and she appears to have no trouble lying about you and falsely accusing you of abuse. She's hiding interactions on her phone with other men and she has denied you any kind of intimacy. I'm not sure what else you need in order to understand that your marriage is over. I do suggest you start caring a VAR to record all of your interactions with her. It sounds like she will have no hesitation to accusing you of violence as a tool to get what she wants.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Talker67, I note exactly what you mentioned, thanks.

I browsed the other thread and saw some things mentioned and I will ask about it here as well.

1. Could it be post-partum showing its ugly head here?
2. Could it be the hormonal changes due to breast feeding which still takes place?
3. Could it be that my wife was in pain because she too got the “stitches” as a result of normal child birth?

Thanks to you all, I’m being more observant now. I think I’ve exhausted my private time as I don’t want her to be suspicious about me since she knows I currently have the iPad. Until later guys.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She has proven herself to be deceptive and she appears to have no trouble lying about you and falsely accusing you of abuse. She's hiding interactions on her phone with other men and she has denied you any kind of intimacy. I'm not sure what else you need in order to understand that your marriage is over. I do suggest you start caring a VAR to record all of your interactions with her. It sounds like she will have no hesitation to accusing you of violence as a tool to get what she wants.


@AdrianTT A VAR is a voice activated recorder. When she accuses you of threatening her or getting violent, you'll have a recording of all interactions with her of you speaking calmly, while she is doing the threatening and everything.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Talker67, I note exactly what you mentioned, thanks.
> 
> I browsed the other thread and saw some things mentioned and I will ask about it here as well.
> 
> ...


All those things you list could be a factor and explain the recent shift in behavior. However, some of her deceptive actions and lying occurred prior to giving birth.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It really doesn’t matter why - you know this is who she is. And it is a person who will lie and deceive you.
Dna test the child - not because you will disown the child but because you have a right to know what’s real.
I’d bet money she got pregnant with someone else and passed it off as your child.

She isn’t a partner in the marriage - and hasn’t been for years. So start divorce proceedings.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Even if she significantly modified her behavior, say 15% better, she will still be 85% of what she is right now.

You don't stand a chance. You should heed the advice of a paternity test and tell her that you are filing for divorce either way.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hi @AdrianTT and sorry you are here!
First, let me tell you that your behaviour towards your wife is called "Simping"
Women do not respect or sexually desire Beta Simps, you were Simping and pining after her from the start (and she KNEW it): 


AdrianTT said:


> In August 2004, I was on my way to Texas to witness the graduation of my brother and before I left, I decided to give her a small package containing letters that I typed but never got the chance to give her because I was simply too shy at the time.


You were the beta orbiter!
And men like that ALWAYS lose!

This from @Young at Heart is importanant to read again, and check the BOLD text:


Young at Heart said:


> I would like to suggest that you read a few books and get some individual counseling. The first book is *Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy*. A "Nice Guy" is code words for a male who is co-dependent on women, *who has been raised to please and do things for female authority figures.* When one stops being a Nice Guy, one does not become a jerk, instead one becomes an integrated man, a man of conviction, a man of character, with dreams and ethics. Women find real men much more attractive than Nice Guys *who they tend to use.*


I'm really sorry to tell you that romantic Disney approach doesn't work with women in the real world, *it never works!
Don't get me wrong, going on dates, having romantic gestures here and there is healthy and good, but not what you were/are doing!*

That's why you see women dump such men and chase the more Alpha masculine guys, the guys that do not take crap from them and have strong hard boundaries, the type of men if a women acts shady or disrespectful in any way they dump them immediately. Yes, the majority of women are attracted to these type of strong men because these men keep them (the women) in check and protect them from their own emotional bursts! 

There were many signs you ignored and chances that you could have saved yourself from this world of hurt, your wife taking birth control pills behind your back and the secret texts with her co-worker just to name a few!
She knew when you let those two slide without any real consequences that she has a doormat and a weak man as a husband, women don't respect and desire such men!

Women only respects and desire strong successful men:


Young at Heart said:


> an *integrated man,* a *man of conviction**,* a* man of character*, with *dreams and ethics*.


You need to know yourself worth, women can pick up very quickly if a *man doesn't value himself, is disparate or doesn't have other options,* this is when they lose attraction, desire and respect, and they start searching for another strong man to fill that void, and your wife picked that up pretty quickly from you:


AdrianTT said:


> My wife is my first and she would be my last. I married my first girlfriend and thus I have no desire to pursue another relationship.


Basically you shot yourself in the foot from the beginning of your relationship (I take it that you showed her all those letters you wrote to her when she was in a relationship with her previous boyfriend) and how you were pining after her!

Things I advice you to do NOW:

Start the 180!
Read: No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life - By Dr Robert Glover
Read: The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi
Read: Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man - By Joseph South
Start TALKING TO A LAWYER
Cancel all counseling sessions.
Hit the Gym (4 days a week), lift weights, many YouTube videos from professionals will tell you what to do and where to start!
Go out with your friends (Or by yourself) come home late and happy (don't tell her any thing on where you've been)
These books are short to read and If you can't read these books and bring yourself to speak to a lawyer to end this sham of a marriage than I am afraid there is no hope for you!
And if it makes you feel better to know if your wife has betrayed you, then *YES hire a PI ASAP*, they should get you the results in a matter of days!

You worth more than this disrespectful and shady wife, you didn't cheat, you help around the house, you are being a husband and acting like one!
You will move forward in life once you know how she took advantage of you, took you for granted, tried to strip you off your dignity.
You also need to understand that you worth more than the scraps she is given you!
You need to know you are the prize!

Flip that switch in your head, and say: *Nope, I deserve better,* cheated on or not, she is a bad wife, and you don't need such a wife in your life!

No one can disrespect you or treat you like a chump unless you allow them to!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> I read all the comments and I can assure you all that I have zero pride in me anymore. Let the chips fall as it may. If I am at fault I apologize to my wife daily but she rebukes me. I asked God to forgive me. What I know for sure is that I can’t continue life thinking and behaving the same way, something has to change. Life is too short for this level of bitterness etc.
> 
> As for our daughter, I never had any doubts that she wasn’t mine nor any of my relatives because she looks like me. I know science can prove otherwise but regardless if she is biologically mine or not, she will always be my daughter. My name is on the birth certificate since 2 or so says after she was born. I personally registered her and by August of 2020, mere months after her birth, she got her passport, US and Canadian VISA’s.
> 
> ...


You owe nobody an apology. You tried to be a good man as taught by the culture, which turns out to be a weak man and not what women want in a man. 

Read the readings we are suggesting, so you can become a better man with a better understanding of what women desire.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AdrianTT said:


> I want is for her to love me once again so that we can be a properly functioning family.


A book I read talked about the fact that we are all raised and taught how to love and be kind to one another. We are never really taught how to hate each other and deal with those feelings in a constructive way that can attribute to our personal growth. Unable to deal with feelings of hate, we grow resentful and that boils over eventually evolves into feeling disgust towards others. 

Think of it as cooking a meal and allowing it to burn in the oven. Can you keep cooking it?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s over, she’s cheating. Sorry bro.
> 
> guarding phone, plutonic make friends that follow her to different jobs, birth control when you’re not having sex, she’s vilifying you to her parents and others, rewriting marital history….
> Soon you’ll get the ILYBINILWY speech, she’ll be asking for space, she’ll move out to spend more time with her AP, snd you’ll be wondering what went wrong when she moves out snd your daughter meets mom’s new guy “friend”.
> ...


You have been GASLIGHTED! She is a cheater. Are you sure your child is actually yours? DNA now!

TSAR.....this **** ain’t right


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

AdrianTT said:


> Anastasia, I am looking for advice to stay married but also would not deny information that could help me in the event that divorce is in the cards.


Adrian: sorry, but no matter what you do is really not up to you as things stand between you and your soon to be ex-wife, yes, Ex, because that's where she will eventually end up: YOUR EX. You need to understand this. 

Basically, you from the very beginnings and still at this point in time are and has been nothing but a "simp". A beta male orbiting around her, living in hopium and trying whatever it takes for her to actually if not love you, at least to stay with you. But of course, you don't seem to understand this, and where you stand in her totem pole.

For whatever reasons, eventually she decided that you were good enough to marry as a beta provider. Make not mistake here, that was her role for you in her equation. But now the most probable reason of her behavior towards you is that she already has what she always wanted: an Alpha male that she can fall in love and respect as a man. She has to be "monkey branching " .
As hurtful my words, and those of others telling you this, it most certainly is the truth. We all seem it so many times that it really is not a surprise or a head scratching situation to analyze. The outcome is invariably always the same: simp beta male dumped for a male that more conforts the female standards of manliness, even if they are lowering their standards economically or socially with that man. The important thing here to realize is that to her he's a real man.

Sorry, but I don't thing that you can get advice that would help you get her to stay with you in your case. It is obvious that she has nothing but contempt for you.

My advice to you is to hit hard and suddenly with divorce papers. If that doesn't shakes her up to reconsider, nothing will. You just be prepared and have all your ducks in a row to avoid being taken to the cleaners, because if you continue in the pathetic path you've been following, that's where you will end up, a bitter, broken man that was taken to the cleaners knowing it before hand.

Your choice now: continue being that simp man which it will get you nowhere, or show some dignity, self respect, and self worth by showing her that you too can be an Alpha male with or without her.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You repeatedly mention abuse. Repeatedly say police have never attended. 

Is that because she’s never called the police?

Too many people are telling the poster his wife is cheating. But read the posts.

He is talking a lot about her leaving due to abuse. 

And he’s the helpful guy that nobody would suspect. Because nobody else can see it but her. 

And she’s ensuring another child isn’t brought into this. 

So


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I have a question about the cars, why do you have to put petrol into her car? You mention significant things that you do for her, like keeping petrol in her car? ‘Our devices’. It’s a strange detail… many couples just do what needs to be done for their own devices. But it could be just me reading too much into nothing. Keeping everything paid, bills etc. that’s all you doing that? 

How much driving is she allowed to do?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> You repeatedly mention abuse. Repeatedly say police have never attended.
> 
> Is that because she’s never called the police?
> 
> ...


She was with him for 14 years before having a child, and then within a few months wants to leave him because he's abusive? Seriously re-read the posts, and in particular #6.

It appears she likely cheated, and it could likely not be OP's child.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

manwithnoname said:


> She was with him for 14 years before having a child, and then within a few months wants to leave him because he's abusive? Seriously re-read the posts, and in particular #6.
> 
> It appears she likely cheated, and it could likely not be OP's child.


I read the posts carefully. I’m curious about how much she was allowed to drive and how he responds.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Strange, but if the word abuse is even mentioned, people with no more information than this mere mention crawl out of the woodworks with insinuations of worse case scenarios, assuming the wife is treated as a bound slave with all sorts of unreasonable limits imposed upon her.

The reasoning and assumptions simply does my head in.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> I read the posts carefully. I’m curious about how much she was allowed to drive and how he responds.


I'm curious if he has any milk to cereal ratio restrictions.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Hard to say for sure, but it really sounds like she never was attracted to you....She did what a lot of women(and perhaps some men) do...They trade raw attraction for some sense of security or some other form of "niceness" that you heaped on her....with a backhoe, btw...She probably got dropped on her head from the other boyfriend and you became the soft landing spot...That's not how it should go...

Think about this for a minute....

There are women out there that have husbands incarcerated, that are petitioning parole boards on their behalf to get them free and back into their arms...Even not at that level, but there are people out there that adore their SO without zero effort and circumstance....

She flipped the script on you, buddy, because she could no longer fake it...The novelty of all your adoration and such just eventually wore off...

I dunno about an affair, but anything is possible...A DNA test is certainly something to consider and I recommend it, especially because no matter what happens between the two of you, that child, if yours will be a looong term commitment for you, both emotionally, financially and every way otherwise...

My advice is once you have determined your child is in fact yours, then focus on becoming the best parent you can be under the conditions and begin the process of moving on with your life...I know it's your desire to "make her love you again", but that doesn't just happen, and nothing really you can do, if I am reading this correctly, would make any difference...That type of stuff usually only happens when there is true connection and attraction, but one person for whatever reason goes off the rails...That isn't the case with you and your wife, IMO, and that's why I believe you need to get this journey off the ground as soon as possible, so that you can heal, and parent your little one...

My best to you, bud...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

AdrianTT said:


> Talker67, I note exactly what you mentioned, thanks.
> 
> I browsed the other thread and saw some things mentioned and I will ask about it here as well.
> 
> ...


ATT, the above could exacerbate the problem but the woman's been treating you like shyt all along. Take my word for it and verify it with other women---when a woman loses romantic interest in a man, or starts with a low romantic interest, it only gets lower and never comes back. If you stay, or if she allows you to stay, you're going to have a miserable existence my man. Do what's in the best interest of both of you and cut her loose.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Luckylucky, I note what you’ve mentioned there as verbal criticism can be labeled as verbal abuse once it’s done repeatedly. That said, I take full responsibility for this. I see myself as a strict no nonsense kind of guy who does not sugar coat anything once there’s something to be said. This can easily be taken out of context and combined with the body language displayed at the time, it can be considered as abuse. Again, I take full responsibility for this.

We never really communicated do’s and don‘ts in the past so whilst I’m in shock with my wife being so cold with me now, perhaps it’s a bottle neck of things kept inside for years that came out in an outburst now. Maybe she “Mt. St Helened” on me? Who is to say or judge?

In our culture, it’s typical for abused women to involve the police. It’s almost second nature. Neighbors can tell due to public fracas and just loud behavior etc. No such thing has ever happened in our home or community. Our neighbors can be called upon to verify authenticity of some of these claims. I was shocked to hear the word abuser being given to describe me but I realize now that whilst I was obviously unfair, I should probably speak less and listen more.

Perhaps my wife was right all along especially when she indicated that she would not be having any more kids for me. In fact, yesterday afternoon she indicated some rules which I will indicate below:

1. She will never spend a night by my parents house ever again. She doesn’t mind visiting but never to spend the night.
2. Our daughter can visit but will never sleep by my parents again.
3. She told me that she is free to pick up herself and our daughter and go as she pleases and there is nothing I can do to prevent that. She further indicated if she feels like she wants to head out to have some fun with her relatives or friends then that’s based on her timing and there’s nothing I can do or say that will make her do otherwise.
4. I am to stay out of her way and to respect the fact that I can’t touch her again and not to try and be romantic or feel that I can win her back because that’s a huge no.

Concerning the cars. In my country, serious crime has always been a thorn to our social and economic welfare. We are a narco state and there are gang reprisals and underworld syndicates that wreck havoc in peoples lives. Murders are high and with the infiltration of illegal immigrants from our next door neighbors, we’ve seen an increase in drugs, illegal weapons and kidnappings. There’s child prostitution and human trafficking as well. Our authorities are corrupt and any law abiding citizen can become a national statistic at anytime.

My wife has always had a demanding job. I always try to do things for her so that she can be at home doing more important things as opposed to filling up the cars or going to the grocery etc. Though this was not a steadfast rule as there would be times she would be with me but anything I can do to release that burden on her, I would usually take that opportunity.

I was accused in the past of being a controlling husband and that she should be free to go places on her own (this was before she got pregnant) but I always used to caution her because she drove a pretty fancy car (according to our third world standards) and being who she is professionally especially how she is dressed can present herself as a prime kidnapping target.

It was only based on those facts that I did what I did over the years. Physically running errands on her behalf I thought was a good thing but it appears that it attacked her independence as a woman. This has changed now because she said enough is enough and she can handle herself. Her remark to this was, she was not born attached to a man and she would not die attached to one.

I‘m an IT guy so I tend to be the go-to person for the entire family to resolve issues pertaining to phones, tablets, laptops, printers, routers amongst other stuff. It was not new for me to ensure that she had the latest software updates and security software etc. What has changed now is that she no longer wants my intervention where her phone and laptop is concerned which was weird. I needed to update a firewall on one of her devices and she simply told me not to bother with it.

For a couple of years I would spend some time with some relatives of mine who lives in Florida. Back in 2011, she did 2 things that she felt unnecessary to inform me about. Coincidentally, she hung out or arranged to hang out with the same guy who is her colleague now and never mentioned a thing about it. They both went to school together. The second thing is, remember I mentioned above that I did everything for her where her devices are concerned? She went to a good friend of mine and upgraded the RAM on her laptop without even telling me. All this took place whilst I was out of the country. This could just be nitpicking but I’m documenting it here so everyone can know what went on and this can help formulate a better picture as to what kind of person I am.

Moving along, I’ve read the comments about me being the “nice guy at the time” back in 2005. I completely agree that I may be a “simp” or a “beta male” the kind of things that women would flush down the toilet eventually. Her previous partner was actually a “rude boy” who coming to think of it, she would never have tried many of those things on him as she did to me cause he strikes me as the kind of individual who would put her in her place or even dump her. When he found out about me, he sent his father to spy on my parents house with a binoculars and he even threatened me on more than one occasion. He even went to the local police station and made a false report that I chased him with my car brandishing a firearm.

I was doing my Associates Degree at the time and had an exam as well as a final project to prepare for so when the police contacted me, I explained the situation and told the officer that as soon as I hand in my project, I shall visit the station to be interviewed the next day. Talk about drama.

On our wedding day, an Uncle of mine indicated to me that he found my newly wedded wife to be unemotional. I also took note that when our Pastor/officiating minister then proceeded to say, “you may kiss the bride”, she backed off but I was then allowed to kiss her afterwards.

I digressed a lot but it seems to make more sense now. I was just the other guy who got lucky. She simply had enough of this horse play, the lies, the deception that it is in my opinion, she exaggerates my faults to justify her resentment for me. The mere fact that she is repulsed by the thought of me touching her is concrete proof that I’ve lost her.

What do I do? If I petition for a divorce then it sets all of us back financially and it can have damaging repercussions for our child. Furthermore, in our culture, it is not unusual for step dads to sexually fondle their step daughters. A couple of years ago, I was doing my Masters degree and coincidentally met a past female colleague of mine. She is a beautiful looking young lady full of respect and with a good upbringing. I also knew her husband because at one point in time we all worked together. It was not unusual for me to ask her how her husband was and to tell him I said hi. We weren’t close friends but we were cool. She turns to me and mentioned that she’s sorry to tell me this but she and her husband divorced some years prior. I was in shock. I then asked her, since you’re smart and good looking, would you consider remarrying again? She responded to me and said never! You see, she also has a young daughter and her reasons for not wanting to remarry was simply to protect her as she doesn’t trust most men out there.

I completely understand. The last thing I want is for my daughter to be a lamb to the slaughter. She needs her daddy and I am that person. Even if it means I’ll be living a marital lie, I am compelled to stay because I want my daughter to know that when she goes home, her mom and dad will be there waiting for her.

I can’t change into an alpha male overnight. My parents over protected me for many years and girls etc did not interest me like it did with my friends back then. I was caught up with Windows 95, Internet Explorer and IBM Aptiva as well as Car and Driver and Road & Track magazines than I ever was with girls. Your typical computer nerd and car freak. That was me! I’ve liked girls before but nothing came out of it. I turned down a couple girls who asked me to date them quite literally and whilst I felt bad afterwards I knew I just wasn’t mature enough. The day I saw my now wife back in October of 2001, it was your typical Bollywood movie dance scene. The birds would whistle, the girl hides behind the tree and suddenly the guy appears in a meadow of flowers with snow capped mountains in the background singing his heart out cause he’s been struck by Cupid.

I tried and I’ve failed. I am not motivated to test our daughter‘s DNA because whether she is biologically mine or not, it doesn’t matter. She is my daughter and nothing will ever separate us except death on my part. As for my wife, I don’t know how long again she can put up with me as I suspect divorce would eventually be in the cards at this rate. She can keep the house and money etc. Those things don’t matter to me. The only thing I would not allow is my wife wanting to remarry again and have my daughter live under the same roof as her new spouse. Hell no to that. If she wants to move on romantically with someone else, have the decency to let my daughter live with me.

I may very well hire the PI and once an investigation shows that she is cheating then I will proceed to do the dna test but like I mentioned before. Our daughter looks like me so I highly doubt such a test will prove that I’m not her father.

Today we visited both of our in laws. They both know what is going on in our lives and no one is happy. I hugged and kissed my mother in law and told her yet again how sorry I am for all my shortcomings in the past. I told her that her daughter is no longer in love with me and it appears there’s nothing I can do to change that. She says she does not get the feeling that her daughter is no longer in love with me but simply to give it some time and let the counseling start in January as scheduled and take things piece by piece at that point.

I can’t remember all of you all individually who commented and replied so far but rest assured, I’ve read every post and I appreciate your feedback. God Bless you all richly. I’ll try to check in again hopefully by tomorrow or the day after.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Luckylucky, I note what you’ve mentioned there as verbal criticism can be labeled as verbal abuse once it’s done repeatedly. That said, I take full responsibility for this. I see myself as a strict no nonsense kind of guy who does not sugar coat anything once there’s something to be said. This can easily be taken out of context and combined with the body language displayed at the time, it can be considered as abuse. Again, I take full responsibility for this.
> 
> We never really communicated do’s and don‘ts in the past so whilst I’m in shock with my wife being so cold with me now, perhaps it’s a bottle neck of things kept inside for years that came out in an outburst now. Maybe she “Mt. St Helened” on me? Who is to say or judge?
> 
> ...


You may also want to install a keylogger app on your computer and other devices, to see what she is doing online


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

AdrianTT said:


> Guys, I appreciate the raw sentiment and advice etc. I realize I’ve been a naive person for years. I’m ashamed of myself.


Nope, you like many trusted to much. Learn and move on knowing you didn’t lose much. Life isn’t necessarily fair but you have to deal with it.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

AdrianTT said:


> The mere fact that she is repulsed by the thought of me touching her is concrete proof that I’ve lost her.


Truth is, sad to say, you didn't lose her....sounds like you never had her in the first place...

Forget about spying on her, tracking her whereabouts, nothing... It won't do anything but expose you to more pain and aggravation than you already have...You want that? For what?

Find out for sure if that kid is in fact yours and begin your life without her and focus on being a solid dad and a better man...There is no shame here, people make mistakes in life, some are more painful than others......but everyone has some crap they want to soon forget..

Really, you gotta wake up on this brother...This aint no dress rehearsal, you only got one life to live..


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> You may also want to install a keylogger app on your computer and other devices, to see what she is doing online


What for? the dude is a simp. She could be doing the whole army and he won't leave her because of the daughter/economics excuse. He's getting what he deserves. The man has not self-respect, least of all dignity.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AdrianTT said:


> Luckylucky, I note what you’ve mentioned there as verbal criticism can be labeled as verbal abuse once it’s done repeatedly. That said, I take full responsibility for this. I see myself as a strict no nonsense kind of guy who does not sugar coat anything once there’s something to be said. This can easily be taken out of context and combined with the body language displayed at the time, it can be considered as abuse. Again, I take full responsibility for this.
> 
> We never really communicated do’s and don‘ts in the past so whilst I’m in shock with my wife being so cold with me now, perhaps it’s a bottle neck of things kept inside for years that came out in an outburst now. Maybe she “Mt. St Helened” on me? Who is to say or judge?
> 
> ...


I can’t imagine in my wildest dreams why you’d marry such a horrid woman, nor why you’d continue in this relationship. 
Why? What do you get out if it?
Your wife didn’t even want to kiss you in public in your wedding day. This is just bizarre.
She has truly NEVER loved you, abd I can say that with metaphysical certitude based in what you’ve written. All this “abuse” you write about on your part is simply you trying to subconsciously accept all blame so you can “fix yourself” and get her back. That’s not gonna happen—- you never even had her heart to start with.
Dump her. You could get more emotion from a prostitute. Any woman on the planet would be a better choice than your wife for you.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

I deserve the harsh comments. Rob is right. Around 1:30am today, I was talking with my wife and she told me that on the day I proposed to her back in Dec 2011, 50% of her was saying no while the other 50% said yes. She only said yes cause she saw that I came from a good family background and my parents were very fond of her.

What happens next I’ll be sure to post it here. Thank you all for the feedback, the replies and the support. May you all have a Merry Christmas.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

my comments aren’t meant to be harsh, but you are in a situation where anyone, and I mean ANYONE could see that you are in a different point of view that is hugely affected by your emotions. That is NOT where you want to be and getting out, going no contact as best as possible, and seeing things as they really are is what you need. Your wife duped you for security. She has told you that she never lived you. That has nothing to do with the fact that someone rise out there WOUlD love you. And what a far better life that would be.
I am divorced and living alone with my youngest son. I’m now far happier than I would be if I was with a woman that treated me like a diseased stranger in my own home.

You need to find a way to make this the last Christmas you ever spend with this woman you married. She’s awful.

Surely the vileness of the things she’s told you will enable you to move in in your mind abd disconnect from her emotionally. Work extremely hard on yourself and forget her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

AdrianTT said:


> I deserve the harsh comments. Rob is right. Around 1:30am today, I was talking with my wife and she told me that on the day I proposed to her back in Dec 2011, 50% of her was saying no while the other 50% said yes. She only said yes cause she saw that I came from a good family background and my parents were very fond of her.
> 
> What happens next I’ll be sure to post it here. Thank you all for the feedback, the replies and the support. May you all have a Merry Christmas.


You have a nice holiday @AdrianTT

Don't forget to get the books, it will be an eye opener for you!

*Link to my reply:*








I’ve lost my wife…


Sounds like she’s involved in an affair that has finally gone physical after many years. It almost seems like how you ended up with her in the first place. You developed feelings for her and pursued her even though she was with someone else. She had a crisis in that relationship that caused...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Max Logan (Dec 24, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> You have a nice holiday @AdrianTT
> 
> Don't forget to get the books, it will be an eye opener for you!
> 
> ...


What a sad thing for a wife to divulge after the marriage. It's like saying she regards it like 50/50, putting you in the spot for what? And she figures you'd better win her over for the other 50%. Don't take this as if you failed in any way. It's she that can't find anyone at 100% or that she only wants someone 50% and family status 50%. Lucky for her you come from good stock, and unlucky for you, you're only the other 50%. I would simply give her the ultimatum of you 100% and forget about your family, or you'll regard her as 0%. I can't believe a woman would look at this that way and expect you to be satisfied with it. She needs to change her attitude and consider what her husband's feelings are regarding you 100% or find another 50/50. And she needs to feel ashamed that she couldn't have told you before you married. She was afraid to and had rather use you thinking you had to settle for that. You are worth more than 50% to a lot of women. This is my opinion. Hope you solve this easily.


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Max Logan, thank you for your support and once again, a special thank you to every single person who have been encouraging me since the day I arrived here. I know we are all here under the cloak of anonymity but it would be nice to meet some of you all. Take care for now and I sure will provide an update on what takes place.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Max Logan said:


> . I would simply give her the ultimatum of you 100%


No need for this ultimatum. You give an ultimatum to something that is achievable. She can't ever give herself to him 100%, not possible. She never loved him, he's only a means to an end. There's not love or emotions coming from her towards him. So an ultimatum is an empty threat to her. His best bet is to cold dump the ice bucket he has for a spouse.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Wow. This marriage is over, there is nothing to save. Sir, you are best to do the 180, obtain legal counsel for divorce, and move on with your life.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

OP;
Your post doesn't make sense to me at all. A few commentors have mentioned this as well.

Now, I'm not saying your wife isn't cheating or doesn't have issues. But let's take a look at what you say she's accusing you of. You're not explaining why she's accusing you of abuse, narcissism etc. You're not addressing the issues with your parents in law and why they were mad at you or what the arguments were about. If you did, I must have missed it.

You only mention how good of a partner you were, providing, marrying her, etc which any partner should be doing anyway. You're not telling us why she's checked out. Again, if you did, I apologize if I missed it.

Here's the deal. I was married to a physically abusive but extremely charming man for 20 years. He was big on grand gestures with my family, was a good provider, and a respected leader of our church. Behind closed doors, he was physically (he would brag that no one would believe me) and verbally abusive, critical, I was terrified of him, dreaded coming home, and constantly walked on eggshells. To cope, I withdrew emotionally, acted out, and didn't want him touching me. He was such a good liar too, I doubted my own sanity many a times (when we both caught a curable STD, he convinced me I may have sat on a public toilet seat, and I stupidly believed him).

Even the police didn't believe me because I had no visible marks. Heck, my own family thought I was the trouble maker. My own kids started resenting me. He told everyone I was acting out because I'm probably "cheating". Guess what, he turned out to be the serial cheater, chasing after every skirt in town.

It was a painful 20 year ordeal, and I'm still recovering. I got out, but I had to install cameras everywhere in our shared home for people to see what exactly he was doing to me behind closed doors. I have a 2 year restraining order against him at the moment.

Not saying you're like my ex husband, you may have valid issues going on.

Wishing you the best at Christmas.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Look at your own words, OP.

"Admittedly, I recognize that I do have several behavioral concerns to deal with but in no way did I ever physically abuse her especially where there had to be intervention by family, friends of even law enforcement in our lives. She has successfully ‘guilt tripped’ me into thinking that I am and was the worse possible husband I could ever be."

*This is exactly what my ex husband would tout to everyone. To date, he still talks about how good of a husband he was.*

"Not withstanding, my wife is not without her faults as well. She has deceived me in the past but I forgave her. She remains very secretive and does not like to talk on her phone nor message other people especially in my presence."

*I can relate to the being secretive part. My ex monitored every conversation I had, I had to make calls to family or friends while at the office. He was that insecure, but now that I think about it, he was probably afraid that someone would say something to me about his skirt chasing adventures.

OP, I'm beginning to wonder if you're the one making your wife act crazy. *


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Kaliber, I searched the book online and retrieved a pdf copy. I just finished chapter 1. I’m on a pause right now as I can only read when I get an opportunity to do so. Based on what I read though, everything in that first chapter describes me in great detail. Even some of the example men that was brought up describes me so accurately, it made my pores raise!

I can‘t believe I made myself look like and behave like a complete moron. Whilst my wife is no “Mother Theresa“ by any stretch of the imagination, I can completely agree with the ’simp’ term as well. It explains her behavior to me.

Whilst I’m endeavoring to fix me, my wife has a choice as well to fix her. One party can’t try and the other do nothing. Both persons must change. At this point, I’m not trying to change to be accepted by anybody let alone my wife. I will do the necessary so that I won’t limit the rest of my life based on my past. Whether she wants to be with me from now is her business. I’m moving on.

Thank you. Will provide updates when I can.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

Why don't you invite your wife to sign up to TAM as well so we can all get to hear her side of the story, OP?


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Sierralyn20, I accept everything you mentioned. Let me explain some more. My wife spilt our marital and bedroom business to her best friend. She even mentioned about my parents. Her best friend responded and told her I’m basically an envious, toxic, abuser, narcissistic, evil, insecure man and that she must stand up for her rights and finally don‘t be afraid of me.

I rebuke many of the words used to describe me cause it takes two to tango. If I go to my friends and lay down all the details of our marriage, I’m pretty sure she would get some words such as manipulative and trying to pull the victim card out but I chose not to discuss our marital problems with any one just like that.

What we both know for sure is that we both need time to heal. I’m hurt too but I unapologetically state that I want to turn my attitude and my life around. Whether my wife is with me in the future or not, I’ll leave that entirely up to her. I’m not waiting for forgiveness or acceptance. I’ve forgiven myself and I’ve accepted myself. I’ll move on but the last thing I want to do is hurt my wife or make her and her relatives uncomfortable.

*edit*

Concerning your suggestion. Sure, I will mention the site to her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Why don't you invite your wife to sign up to TAM as well so we can all get to hear her side of the story, OP?


I think TAM is his safe space for now, I would keep it that way if I were him!
@AdrianTT same happened to many here when they started reading the books, the way we saw relationships was Disney like, but realty is completely different!


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## AdrianTT (Dec 21, 2021)

Hi everyone, I trust that all is well! 

I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still in my toxic relationship. My spouse continues to be resentful, contemptuous, secretive and verbally/emotionally abusive to me.

I've considered suicide back in January but I no longer think this way.

We both are attending counseling but in my opinion, it's a complete waste of time. I don't see any positive change in her and it doesn't look like she cares to be honest.

In January or February of this year, she contacted a prominent divorce attorney for a consultation and in March I found out that she has been cheating on me emotionally with another guy. 

I contacted his wife and informed her of how uncomfortable and inappropriate their relationship is and she agreed and acknowledged that she will talk to her husband.

The feedback I got from that phone call via my wife is, next time I call back the guy's wife, they will call the police and report that I'm threatening them.

I recorded the conversation and there were no threats of any kind. It turns out that the guy's wife cheated on him and all of a sudden he and my wife are close.

I also discovered that my wife knew this guy since like 2006 and she never mentioned him to me. The part that is really disappointing is that if she and this guy are that close as friends, how come she never mentioned him to me before?

Since February to end of March, I've recorded numerous instances of inconsistencies in her behavior and whereabouts. She continues to lie and continues to be deceptive. 

My wife even went on to make libelous and defamatory claims against me to her circle of relatives and friends etc.

Some of you all are probably thinking, so what the hell am I still doing in the marriage or let alone the house?

Well, I kind of forgotten what I posted previously due to the length of time past and I did not bother to read over what I mentioned.

So to be brief, we have a child together. Our toddler will be starting pre-schooling in September and there are some personal matters that I need to organize between now and then. 

I will most probably initiate divorce proceedings before the year is out and of course hoping and praying that 2023 (God willing of course) is one where I can finally get some peace.

So if anyone has some comments for me whether positive or negative, do let me know your perspective or take on the matter.

Takecare for now guys!


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Well, all the best with everything. Please come back to keep us updated.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

AdrianTT said:


> Hi everyone, I trust that all is well!
> 
> I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still in my toxic relationship. My spouse continues to be resentful, contemptuous, secretive and verbally/emotionally abusive to me.
> 
> ...


I am wondering what kind of man tolerates so much disrespect and abuse...

1. Stop counseling. It is not helping your situation and you know it. Do not waste your money on this.

2. Your wife is preparing to divorce you and monkey branch from you to the Other Man (OM). It looks like KARMA is heading your way given your history with her before marriage. But I am trying to help you.

3. Your wife have threatened to call the police on you for contacting wife of the OM? She is also attempting to destroy your reputation with her libelous and defamatory claims about you in her circle of relatives and friends? You should NOT accept this BS at any cost.

You should gather evidence of her infidelity and draw a plan to EXPOSE her to her friends and family, and do the same in her workplace.

Your wife is attempting to destroy your reputation with her libelous and defamatory claims because this will make it convenient for her to monkey branch from you to the OM when the time comes. You need to BLOW UP her WORLD *before* this happens.

4. You should consult a competent lawyer ASAP and discuss your situation with him. Do not waste your time.

5. You may love your daughter (understandable) *but* you should NOT turn her into your weakness only to be exploited through her - your wife will DO exactly this.

_"Since February to end of March, I've recorded numerous instances of inconsistencies in her behavior and whereabouts. She continues to lie and continues to be deceptive."_

Because she is CHEATING on you? Isn't this obvious to you by now?



AdrianTT said:


> On our wedding day, an Uncle of mine indicated to me that he found my newly wedded wife to be unemotional. I also took note that when our Pastor/officiating minister then proceeded to say, “you may kiss the bride”, she backed off but I was then allowed to kiss her afterwards.
> 
> I digressed a lot but it seems to make more sense now. I was just the other guy who got lucky. She simply had enough of this horse play, the lies, the deception that it is in my opinion, she exaggerates my faults to justify her resentment for me. The mere fact that she is repulsed by the thought of me touching her is concrete proof that I’ve lost her.


And you came to terms with such disrespect? Seriously, man?



AdrianTT said:


> The only thing I would not allow is my wife wanting to remarry again and have my daughter live under the same roof as her new spouse. Hell no to that. If she wants to move on romantically with someone else, have the decency to let my daughter live with me.


Don't be naive. You CANNOT stop your wife from marrying another man after the two of you are divorced.

What you need to do is following:

1. Consult a competent lawyer to understand your legal options in view of your situation including how to obtain custody of your daughter in case of divorce - do this ASAP.

DNA test your daughter as well to be sure that she is yours and worth fighting for.

You should know how to deal with FALSE ALLEGATIONS because your wife have threatened to call the police on you for contacting wife of the OM.
=> Install cameras in your home - if not already.
=> Record each and every conversation of your wife.
=> Discuss this matter with your lawyer.

2. Gather evidence of your wife's infidelity and BLOW UP her WORLD by EXPOSING her to everybody in her social circle, and in her workplace. Do this *before* she is able to destroy your reputation.

3. You should file for divorce *before* your wife does this (she will be absolutely prepared to leave you when she will do this). Try your best to catch her off-guard in this matter.

Demonstrate to your wife through the aforementioned steps that their will be significant consequences for her completely unacceptable/rubbish behavior. It should be her reputation on the line.

You can continue to plan how to parent your daughter and manage her schooling. This should NOT stop you from taking other steps to PROTECT yourself given your situation. Take your friends and family into confidence in this regard. They might be able to help you financially and otherwise.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OK. There you go @AdrianTT, round and round, and round. Obviously you have no balls, therefore you'll keep getting more of the same.

I guess you must love to live your life in your righteous and sanctimonious behavior, but devoid of self respect and dignity.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot of people have trouble making a definitive decision so they keep themselves in limbo.
Until the 0P gets sick and tired of being sick and tired he will remain where he is.
No one can help him until he reaches his limit.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I can’t imagine why you would stay with her for one more day!
You are allowing her to waste your time/energy every single day you stay!
Muster up some courage and get rid of her! She is toxic to you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Actually the title of his thread is a misnomer: 
I’ve lost my wife
He can not lose something that he never had to begin with. She was never his.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

AdrianTT said:


> Hi everyone, I trust that all is well!
> 
> I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still in my toxic relationship. My spouse continues to be resentful, contemptuous, secretive and verbally/emotionally abusive to me.
> 
> ...


What happens when your wife files for divorce?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

if i were you i would record (secretly) every interaction with her via a voice recording device or cell phone while you are still i living with her. I do not have a crystal ball but I see accusations against you, police reports and restraining orders in your future. Good luck!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You know it’s toxic - why have you stayed?
Things will change when YOU take action to change the situation.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

AdrianTT said:


> Hi everyone, I trust that all is well!
> 
> I just wanted to say that I'm still around and still in my toxic relationship. My spouse continues to be resentful, contemptuous, secretive and verbally/emotionally abusive to me.
> 
> ...


Run! Don’t look back. You deserve a life.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

AdrianTT said:


> Thank you all so much for the quick replies. Currently it’s after mid night where I am so I’ll be as brief, honest and factual as possible.
> 
> Anastasia, I am looking for advice to stay married but also would not deny information that could help me in the event that divorce is in the cards.
> 
> ...



_my wife accuses me of being arrogant, argumentative, verbally abusive and a narcissist. _

This is called projection. Your accuser attempts to put their faults onto you. * More than likely you are married to the narcissist.* They are able to go hot and cold rather quickly as they were never really invested in you or the marriage.

Stop doing everything for your wife. Putting her on a pedestal will do nothing to improve the situation.


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