# What is happening here?



## GutterByrd (Apr 28, 2011)

Sooo, my husband is away for long periods of time b/c of his job. For a few days he was able to come home recently. We had pretty good sex the first day he was here it lasted a while longer than usual which is ok but not necessary for me really... he was drunk so I assumed that was why. The next day he asked me to give him head while we showered. That turned into sex. He & I seemed to be giving it our all but he couldn't come. Eventually he said it was b/c he had to pee. So he did then we got back into it. I figured he was a bit numb from the night before b/c he started to go a little limp so I offered anal to him just wanting to help out. So after a bit when that wasn't doing the job he just said he didn't know why b/c he was aroused but just couldn't reach climax. I said it was ok & that I had a good time & just wanted him to be happy & that it was just from the day before no big deal etc. Tho he really seemed bothered by it. The next day I was getting ready for work & we had a quickie all his idea... he was having the same issue so I tried to go down on him to finish but in the end he had to finish himself. we typically don't have sex that much only twice a week three times at the most. BUT... The next night in his sleep he said "I love you so much." kissed me & felt me up. He woke up in the middle of having sex with me tho I thought he was awake the whole time. Then he got up to pee & went back to sleep I don't think he came but I think he tried before the getting up to pee. I'm worried I'm not the object of his affection & sex with me is more of a 'duty' than it should be. Perhaps I'm not the one he was dreaming about. I have noticed since he has been staying in his current work location sex is at a speedier pace & a bit more porn-ish. He never smacked my bum during for example but has been recently. He's 26 & I'm 24... sex has never been a problem except for my wanting it when he didn't... I'm really confused. I love him & just want things to go good. He has asked to have a threesome & that he never expected it to happen but he would like it to. & that he didn't want one if I wasn't in it. Tho I have no urge to be with anyone else nor see him with another. I can't help but think he is close to stepping out on us or just leaving me. He never texted much before but while home he was texting constantly. He says he loves me & is happy with us... am I going crazy???


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

A couple of things may be going on. Since he is away a great deal, it is possible that he is watching porn and maturating since he is not having sex with you. Or he may be having sex with OW or with paid worker. Hevis having sex with himself or someone else. The fact that he can not reach climax is concerning - if he has a strong physical attraction to you and has not seen you for a time he is likely to climax faster. If he can not climax with you, it may mean that he has found something (porn) or someone else more stimulating. 

The threesome suggestion is classic for a man to ask when he is not stimulated enough by the woman he is with. In addition, no man who loves his wife would ask her to watch him have sex with another woman and ask her to have contact with a woman for his pleasure. Men ask women they don't care about to do theses things. He is thinking about his sexual pleasure and making use of you. DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR BEDROOM. That the answer for his trouble with arrousal it does not solve your problem of why he is not arroused by you and why he needs extra stimulation. 

If he needs extra stimulation, tell him that you are not a sex service you are his wife. If he wants that sort of thing then he can get out of the relationship and avoid humiliating and degrading a you his faithful wife. 

We are always advised to trust in relationships but trust is not placed in your partner but in yourself. Your intuition is screaming to you that something is wrong, trust it. That is where trust in relationships comes in - trust yourself, trust what you know. You can read many threads started by woman who detected something amiss and allowed doubted themselves. No matter what anyone tells you there is something here that is amiss. You will have to find out by doing somecquiet digging. Don't let your husband know that you suspect something is up. He will lie and cover up. 

Careful digging is in order. Do you have a descrete friend or relative to talk to? You will need some support. You have to be absolutely sure you can trust this person and that they heve no connection to your husband. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutterByrd (Apr 28, 2011)

I know he masterbates & watches porn... he told me almost every morning before he runs since he's not home- typically in the shower. I hope that is the only reason for this. & I wouldn't call his attraction to me strong. He has never seemed to have a strong sex drive. When he is home I initiate it most of the time. I do not intend to allow a threesome to happen. You are very correct that it would only be for his pleasure. I won't open a door into something that can't be closed. I do not equate his love with sex from him but I do agree asking for a threesome is insulting to our relationship. I do think he loves me but it does seem his value of me is not on par. I wonder if he already has someone in mind for his fantasy??? I don't want to ask for fear of giving him some sort of hope. He mentioned some of his (married) coworkers may have employeed hookers & added that he would never do that. He knows full well I do not condone their behaivior & I hope he is truthfull about that. 
Of course I'm still concerned that there is another person but I have no way of keeping track of his every move unless I where to have a private eye follow him which that would never work b/c he is in the military & usually as far as I know on his boat. If he is hooking up with someone on the boat I may never know.
& I don't want to turn into that parinoid woman who drives her spouse away by always being suspicious. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. I do wish I could know for sure & I hope the sexual issue was a one time thing. I won't see him til sometime in June. I have no idea what to say before then tho. Why would he continue to stay married to me & support me if he was cheating? Guilt??? If he isn't cheating & too much masterbation is the problem then possibly lack of closeness btw us is the underlying issue & our life together is headed for disaster given his job. I don't even know where to start b/c I can't investigate him & I can barely talk to him b/c he is always busy. My head is spinning b/c the only reason he came home was to see me for a few days... I just don't know.


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## GutterByrd (Apr 28, 2011)

So I talked to him about it & he said he was offended b/c he only drove 7 hours to spend time with me & feels like I was just taking notes about his behaivior to be negative about it later & said again that he is not seeing anyone else. His job is just stressing him out he says. I do tend to make even the best possible gesture some kind of devious alterior motive in my head... I don't know how to stop it. My therapist wants me to focus on treating myself how I want others to treat me. This is very hard for me b/c I have hardwired myslef into just functioning without much thought of anything else. Though left to my own devices I can barely even get out of bed. I'm thinking my mental issues are bothering him more than I think. I know he loves me but maybe the sex issues is b/c he feels inadiquate b/c I'm depressed... It's not his fault I've always been this way. I don't understand it myself so I can't expect him to. I still somehow feel worried about the sex... (sigh)...


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