# We are BOTH cheaters... Is this finally too much?



## 0uttosea (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm at the end of my rope. I have gone through so much I feel as if my marriage is a complete sham. 

Here it is. 
My husband and I have been married for three years. In the summer of 2010 I cheated on him once with an exboyfriend I had been chatting with on and off. I told him about it a few days later and broke up with my husband. He was destroyed and spent an entire month telling me he would change, everything would be different, he wanted me more than anything, he would get a job etc, etc, etc. I started to allow him back into my life and just a few days later he was arrested on an old warrant. He went to jail in another state for six months. 

While he was there I learned that he had been sleeping with two other women during the month we were split up. He had lied to me about it but I forgave him and told him all I wanted was to fix our marriage. (I felt that him being taken to jail was a wake up call.) So while he was in jail I took on an extra job and paid for a lawyer, a new apartment for us and all of our existing bills. I tried to stay conscious of what I wanted but I was pretty bitter at all I had done for him. (Before I cheated he had been out of work for over two years.) I cheated on him two weeks before he was released from jail. I felt awful about it. Truly just terrible.

He came home finally and quickly I got pregnant with our first child. I told him I cheated on him while he was gone and although he was furious he said he still wanted to be together and work on things. I told him I would never ever cheat on him again, that i just wanted a happy family. My nine months was fabulous and stress free (for the most part.) He did get a job (though not full time) and I asked him repeatedly to try and get a second so we could save for our new son. He never did. 

I gave birth in September. By the middle of October I found out he had cheated on me with a male (said it was easier to find a guy who would give oral sex.) I was devastated, tore the house apart he cried and cried and said he was so sorry, he understood how I felt. He only wanted me, it was just the stress, etc, etc... So I tell him we can try again, I don't have much of a choice. I had to go back to work only six weeks after having my son (although I could have received an additional six weeks, I didn't because that wouldn't be enough to support us.) 

I find out a month or so later that he has a twitter account and had been texting (sexting?) back and forth with a girl and he had also cheated on me with her. (Physical cheating happened before I found out, the texting continued after I found out.) 

That happened in mid-November. I don't know how or why but we are still together. I am so empty all I have to love is my son, he is the most amazing thing ever. I just don't know how I can ever save this marriage or if it's even worth it. I think it is too flawed and I have zero trust in him. I feel suspicious and scared all hours of the day.

Is this fixable? Is it worth it? I have no desire to cheat again, ever. Ever. Ever. But, I do wonder what it would be like to just be without him completely. Has anyone else gone through this? I hope this is okay to post. Sorry for the length, I feel as though i can't talk to anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

People have over come some increadable odds in rebuilding marriages. If the two of you work together you could do it. But what are your chances? I think that they are very very small. 

It would take a huge amount for the two of you to prove to the other that you can be trusted. I'm not sure that either of you can.

If you want to start somewhere with rebuilding, get the book "Surviving an Affiar" by Dr. Harely. Work through it together. 

Then get the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. 

If you both work through all of that you might beable to rebuild your marriage into a healty one. I have a feeling that neither of you have had good examples of what a healthy marriage looks like. Is this true?


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

No. Not in this state. You are both serial cheaters and need some serious individual counseling.

Work on yourselves before you work on the marriage.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

0uttosea said:


> I cheated on him two weeks before he was released from jail...........................
> He came home finally and quickly I got pregnant with our first child.


First thing you need to is have a DNA paternity test done.

Second thing is to divorce him because he has shown that he is not good husband material.

Third, get in IC because you need to learn how to have a healthy relationship.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Reconciliation is possible. You both have eaten your share of cake. You cheated on him and destroyed him and then state that he "cheats" on you while separated. 

You need to wake him up. Your husband has more than likely gotten accustomed to cheating because there are no consequences. Implement the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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