# unsure, but pretty sure, infidelity during seperation



## SO.SO.SO.Confused (Dec 14, 2011)

First timer here  And I need advice :scratchhead:

A quick synapsis. I am 33, he is 32. Our 6yr anniversary was August 21st, 2011 (first marriage for both). We have been together for 10yrs. 2 kids, 8 & 4 together, and I have a 13yr old from when I was younger. Things have been strained for the last 3yrs. I lost my job Feb '08 and worked part time odd jobs and going to school. Finally got into a hospital for my field last August. He left his job for a "better opportunity" that didnt pan out right before I lost mine, Jan '08. He worked odd jobs so we could make ends meet. He finally got back into the job he had left, and is there still. But .the money isnt the same as it was yrs ago, and thats been a toll on us. We were just getting by. Arguements got more heated. Not physically violent, but he was an emotional, verbal, mental abuser. I ended up resenting him. And felt like I pulled all the weight, cause he would just go to work and come home and be lazy. I felt taken for granted. Found friendship thru Facebook in an old friend from high school. Never met up with him, and never had phone contact. Just talking on our relationships via the internet. My old friend is much of a smart ass, and would post stupid comments. But I never took anything to it, cause I wasnt in search of anything. Just thought it was him being a smart ass, and I would blow off his comments with whatever responses. Hubby started to get irritated with this and I told him the was nothing to worry about. He had a bout with medical issues, and me feeling so irritated with him all the time, I didnt show him the care he felt I should have. He would say he felt I didnt show him enough love and affection (Im not a cuddler, and we didnt have sex daily...but it was far from a rare occurence. But when we would have sex, I felt disconnnected from him, and he could tell). I told him I felt like he was smothering me, and if he didnt free up his reins that I would take our kids and leave. 

Come round to August 20th, 2011.
The night before our anniversary we went out with friends. We met up at one place, and stayed for an hour. They all wanted to leave, and he didnt. But we did anyhow. Got into an arguement on the way to the new place. I ended up telling him to just go home. On the way home the arguement continued and escalated to him punching the window by him (it did not break). We got home, and by this time I was in tears. The babysitter left. He came in the house and we continued arguing. He pulled our daughter out of our bed and woke her from a dead sleep. Told her to pack her things cause the kids are going with him. I comforted her and told her not to worry, it would be ok and to get some sleep. He walks in the bedroom and says "why dont you tell her your a ***** and your making me move out and we are getting divorced." I calmed her down and went back out to talk to him. We sat there and argued. I tried to call his dad from the landline to have him come pick him up. But he pulled the phone off the wall. The phone hit me in the face. I said "get away from me, you hit me". He said "oh youre going to play that game. I didnt touch you." I ended up being able to calm him down (like always in a situation like this). And we went to bed. The next day I asked him to leave for awhile. I told him I felt we needed to seperate to spend time away from each other. He was gone for a week and a half. He came back a few days before our planned camping trip. Thursday night before we were supposed to leave, we got into an arguement. He smashed my cell phone on the table. At this point I now have no lines of communication to the outside world, unless I was to leave the house. We went camping (Labor day weekend) the next day. Friday night he wanted to talk about what was going on. Saying I am disrespecting him by being friends with this guy. We didnt yell, cause we were in the tent and our kids were in there. But it was pretty heated. He had to go to work the next day, and was to come back and finish off the weekend with us. I was pretty irritated all day being in the sun, with 5 kids (friends came with the older 2). It was far from a relaxing weekend. That day he came back I was irate with him, and it pissed him off. Later that night when we all went to bed, he and I got into it again about the same subject. This time he got loud. He caused a scene at 2am in the campground, left said he was staying with friends and I could find a way home. Came back, woke the kids up, told them to pack up all there stuff cause we were leaving. I managed to get him to calm down again, and we went to bed. The next morning it was gloomy (rained the night before) and the kids were crabby. None of us wanted to stay, but he did. he got pissed when I said I wanted to leave. Proceeded to start packing things up making snide comment under his breather about how I was a selfish ***** and always have to have things my way, etc. We left. The whole way home he had to have a constant hand on my body somewhere. We get home, and unpack the majority of the stuff. Get the kids settled. He lays down to take a nap, and I sit on the couch with my little guy. About 3hrs later, i go to ask him to get up and help me around the house. I figured we were going to be home for the rest of that day and the next we could work on some of the house projects we started and not finished. He got pissed cause I woke him up. Got into yet another arguement because he couldnt find the sandpaper, blamed my son for using it all. Started screaming at him saying not to use his stuff. Whats his is his, etc... I wouldnt allow that, and it mad him mad because he feels like I always side with my son and not him. This is not true, cause I only defend my son when my husband is wrong (alot). Anyhow, hubby got really pissed adn went into some sort of rage. I rushed the kids out of the house. He pulled the bedroom door off the hinges and threw it out of the front door (we were already down the street). Then he starts tearing up my new kitchen with a hammer, saying he isnt letting me keep what he payed for. My girlfriend shows up to pick up her daughter and mine, so I throw the kids in the car...mind you I still have no phones to call anyone). She stayed there, cause she didnt want to leave me. Her best friend is a victim of domestic violence, btu is still with the guy. Used my gfs phone to call my parents. My sister showed up first, so my kids got in the car with her. Then my parents showed up and my dad handled him (got him to calm down and made him leave). While in the car my youngest says to my sister, "I dont want my mama to be broken. I dont want my daddy to break my mama." She told me this and it broke my heart. After the police showed up, and said there was nothing they could do cause he didnt hit me or the kids, regardless of the fact he damaged his property in the house. He shows up with his mother a half hr later. I wouldnt open the door til I called my parents. I let him in and he wanted to argue with me about some crap on facebook that wasnt even true. He got what he came to pick up. Took it outside, and his mother proceed to get in my dads face. Tried to provoke my dad to hit her (yes they are that kind of family). He called her an ignorant bithc and she called the police saying there was a domestic dispute in the house. He wouldnt hit her but managed to get her out the door. She shoved her foot in the door and claimed to the police on the phone that he was smashing her in the door. Eventually she got out of the house, and my mom got heer and my husband to leave. The next day he came with his whole family (besides his mom who had the grandkids) and moved his stuff out. Everyone was friendly but me and him to each other. After they all left, my parents proceeded to give me the lecture about how I never should have let it go on this long, and his family is just white trash. I deserve much better, etc. That was September 6th, 2011.

Over the course of the last 3 months, its been tense between us. He is living at his parents. We have some good conversations, and some bad. A few arguements, mostly about money and him not seeing the kids enough. He wont ever take them when I ask to go out. Thats always an arguement between us. He feels giving me $50 here and there is enough money to keep us afloat. And he rarely watches the kids, so I can work. My mother has fallen to taking care of them. While he gets to go out and do whatever he pleases. And I sit home taking care of every responsibility.

I found out on Monday this week, that he has been seeing a girl. And she is now living with him at his parents. I found out thru facebook, and back tracked to mid october, since they have been seeing each other. What pissed me off the most is that I found out that he had my kids around her. Sunday we went to his work Christmas party. He went home, saying he had to clean up after the dog. And would be back to pick them up, so i could go to work. He came to get them, and asked when I wanted them home, cause his parents wanted to see them. I let my oldest stay home while I was gone, so this way husband could take the kids and bring them back and put them to bed. Thru facebook, I found that he took them to see the Christmas lights and she went with them. And he took them in the hot tub. I asked my daughter that Monday, who went with them on Sunday. She didnt want to answer, and I told her I wasnt mad at her, just curious what they did at dads. She said dad took them and Angie (but Angie is aunt Heathers friend and dad told her that). Also that Angie took them in the hot tub. I was so livid that day. Have the common decency not to bring someone else around my kids! I havent done that, heck I havent even seen anyone. I told him out of respect for our marriage while we were figuring things out, that I wouldnt do that to him, and I expected the same in return. So on Monday I went back on facebook and printed out all the conversations that this girl has had, and the ones from his cousins page that she is friends with. Even though his name is not mention (and she has put on there she cant say things cause of you know who...me), it is obvious she is talking about him. Referring to him as her baby, and she loves him. Yesterdays post was, "missing my baby so much. Havent seen him all day and now he wont see him tonight. Have fun with the kids, love you baby." Little does she know he stayed the night here with me last night. And im sure she also doesnt know that he is still sleeping with his wife! Yes I know I am stupid for sleeping with him, even during the seperation, but more so now, knowing I now know he has a girl on the side.

What I am so confused on, is what the heck to do with all this. And is it even worth saving. And how could someone have such little disregard for another person? HELP!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He sounds very violent. Hits hit and thrown everything except you. But you are next. Bet on that. He knows that you are not scared by his other antics, so you are next.

Get the kids, get a restraining order, and file for divorce. 

I'm sorry. But I see no other good way for you to fix the problem. He's already started a new life without you. Take control, and protect those children from learning how to do what he does. Hurry!

Again, I'm so sorry.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What confuses you? He is cheating on you right in your face. You are privileging him sex along wih the OW. he gets to live the life of a single man with two women throwing their lgs around him so what is confusing about that? 

He thinks he hit the jackpot because he has two women with so little self respect and dignity that they are willing to meet all of his needs and get none of their needs met. For a man like your husband who is violent, vindictive, deceptive, self-centered (not a prize under any circumstance), this set up is a once in a lifetime event. It is unlikely he could find one foolish women that would have anything to do with him, let alone two. 

I don't see your problem. Of course, you could act with dignity and self respect and stop servicing him but that Luis up to you. It would be good example to your daughter of a woman with self esteem and does not let men wipe their feet on their back but that is your child and you instill the values that you think are important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SO.SO.SO.Confused (Dec 14, 2011)

He has started going to counseling, and I even agreed counseling for the children and to marriage counseling in the future. My main concern for my children is that he gets help for his issues. It is best in the long run.

I confronted him on the whole "girlfriend thing". And the reply I got was that there is nothing and never has been anything going on between them. His whole family has asked him also, if there was anything between them, and he has told all of them from the start. NO there is not, and there wont be. Just because we have all hung out as a group does not mean I am involved with her. I love my wife and am trying to work on things with her. He even told this girl right from the start I am married, and we are trying to work things out. Taking a seperation so i can get myself in check because I am very much in the wrong. He also told me that she was staying at his parents house with his sister while looking for a place to live. 

I also asked his sister and his mother about her. His mother said I have never seen or heard the 2 of them in any sort of "relationship" way. His sister said she never thought anything was going on. That this girl has only hung out with all of them 4 times. They will make plans to go out and she asks to tag along. From his other sister, I found out that this girl has issues. She said something didnt seem right about her and she told her mom not to let her stay there. This girl apparently has 2 kids with 2 different guys, yet does not have custody of either. She has no car, a part time job, and floats from place to place. And she has been known to be very promiscuous. And in his sisters opinion, she thinks that maybe this girl is telling people things about her and my husband in the attempts to look like she has a "perfect life". That just because he may have sat and talked with her about things going on, and this girl put everything out there, she thought that were was some sort of emotional connection, a relationship of some sort between them. She honestly thinks this girl is crazy. And I tend to agree that this girl might have some emotional issues. Does that mean that I dont think anything happened. No. I know anything could happen when he is not living with me. I am not stupid or delusional to think otherwise.



I told him I had proof of all of this. He said this is how many times I have hung with her and what happened...I met her at our mutual friends house one night, shortly after we seperated. My sister H was with us. And then H brought her with to my sister L's bowling benefit. She moved in shortly after that (early November) when H asked if she could, saying she needed a place to stay. One weekend my sister K and her hubby invited me and my cousin and her hubby and my parents to go bowling. Angie asked if she could tag along, so I brought her with me. Another time, was a Sunday morning, my cousin asked me to come over and have breakfast (they live next door), so Angie asked if she could come to. I said I guess, ask T. So she went with. The time you are asking me about her claiming that I said she could go hunting with me, is nowhere near being true. I told her no. It was a guys only thing. The guy that owns the land has a rule about that...ask my sister L (her hsubands uncles property) (so I did and she confirmed). And then the last time she is putting out on facebook about us going to the bar...my buddy Justin from work (who I know) asked if I wanted to meet him up at the bar we went to. So I got ready, she asked if she could go, I said fine. We went, he wasnt there, so we went to another bar down the street, and he wasnt there. So we went back to the one bar, shot a game of pool. She had a beer, I didnt drink cause I worked the next day. And went home. We did not stop at taco bell like she claimed. I came home and went to bed. She sleeps in the room H is in and on an air mattress......that was this last Monday.

I asked him why on earth he would take this girl with my kids to a light festival, when it gives off the appearance of you guys acting as a family. And then she goes in the hot tub with my kids! Honestly how am I supposed to take this? How would you react if I brought a guy around my kids and we went on a little family outing? You'd be angry. You obviously didnt use your brain. he agreed and apologized. Says I understand what it looks like, and where you are coming from, but I swear its not even like that. I have no attraction, emotionally or physically to this girl.

Conveinently today, I check her facebook page and she has all these posts about how she let her guard down and poured her heart out only to be hurt once again. And changed her relationship status to single again. And asking if anyone is looking for a roommate. So she is now moving out. 

My gut is telling me he didnt do anything. And he is telling me he didnt do anything. But yet facebook (THE DEVIL) is showing another side of the story...hers.


So moving past this now, is it possible for people to change? Since he is going thru counseling for his anger issues, and we will be doing it for our family. And the kids will do it too.


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