# I need some marriage advice/opinions..long



## mrsl415 (Jun 17, 2014)

ok I really need advice from people who are objective. I am going to give some background info and then get to the point. My husband and I met when we were sixteen (now 27) we dated for a few months then broke up. We maintained a friendship for about 5 years before we decided to date again. I always loved him and vice versa. Well in Sept 2008 he moved in with me because he lost his house, at the time I knew of a girl he was friends with named Kim. They were mostly just friends he claimed but I had the feeling he liked her quite a bit. So by December we are still living as roommates but like I said we make it know we care for one another. Anyway, one night he stayed at a friends house and got drunk then early in the morning I get a text from him saying I love you so much and other sweet stuff professing his love. Some how I knew the message wasnt meant for me so I said, I think you sent that to the wrong person then he immediately calls me and is crying because he felt bad that he did that and said I meant to send that to Kim but I am drunk and didn't mean it. I was hurt he said those things to her but I went ahead and trusted that he really didnt mean it and decided to move on. So shortly thereafter we become exclusive and got married in 2012. Kim is out of the picture and yet over the years she has been a source of angst for me just because I always wonder if I hadn't got that text and she did what would have happened or if he really did mean it when he said that he loved her. Ok so now to present time. We have argued over the years as anyone would but here recently it has been more often, probably partly to due with a new baby but I dont want to blame it all on that. We got into a fight on may 27th because he woke up for work and I could tell he was annoyed that the baby was crying and it pissed me off because I feel like with the little bit of time he can spend with him he doesn't have the right to get annoyed. I may be wrong but that's just how I feel. So i called him out for it and in a moment of rage i said I hated him. Well that didnt go over well. He said he is sick of me verbally abusing him. I admit, I say mean things when I am mad and I do feel awful but it is something I am working on. He is no angel but I do think if I control my emotions better and communicate more effectively we would probably argue way less. ok so we spent a couple weeks hardly speaking after threatening divorce but then did finally talk yesterday and decided to work it out and stay together. Well today I got a wild hair and went through his facebook and I saw that he messaged Kim the night of our fight two weeks ago. He asked her how she was and she replied she was doing well and said it had been a while since they spoke. He then said "yeah, its not that I didnt want to talk but I didnt want to make my wife mad because i had accidentally sent her a message that was supposed to go to you professing my love when I was stuck on you so needless to say your name raises her blood pressure bahahah" she then commented on our baby being cute and wish him well. ok so its not like he really said anything so terrible but I am mad because i feel like hes been lying all along when he said he was just drunk and didnt mean it when he said he loved her and also this was our first major fight to where divorce was brought up and shes the first person he messages. I know i shouldnt have been snooping but i guess i am glad i read it although really i wish i hadnt. that doesnt really make sense but you know what i mean. What do you think? Is this innocent and him just reaching out to an old friend or should i be upset? How do I bring this up, I feel guilty because I found out by snooping but I am really hurt and scared? Thank you.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Try editing that and putting in some paragraph breaks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do I think? I think he's reaching out, looking for a safety net to land in in case you two get divorced. 

C


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Honestly, I would be a little upset. You don't run to message an old flame after you have a fight with your spouse just because you mad at them. As PB mentioned, he is hoping she will be a safety net. On the good side it sounds like she put him off because she knew he was married.

The bad part is two fold; first he flat out lied to you years ago. He did mean to send that text to her and not you. But he did decide to marry and make a life with you.

Second, you have no control when you are angry. Let's be honest, those mean things you say hurt and you don't just excuse it because you "said those things in anger". I believe some people let out what they really think when they are angry, which makes it worse. You know it is a problem and that is a good thing. Hopefully you will be able to turn that around. 

And now the "D" word is out of the bag. I have found that once it is said, it is difficult for the people involved not to think about it in the back of their mind. Because once spoken, it can't be taken back. You know the other person has been thinking about it otherwise they would not say anything.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Try editing that and putting in some paragraph breaks.


Yes, please!

And yes, you should be upset about this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If he really wanted to be with Kim back in the day, then he would have gone ahead and sent that message to her, and been with her. (if she wanted that too, of course) But he didnt, he chose you. HOWEVER, for some reason, she has stuck in his mind all this time, and it seems he was hoping that she would be open to "something" should things actually end between you. Luckily, she had enough class to shut him down. Sounds to me like you need to get ahold of your tongue when you get angry, and that the two of you should really get into counseling, ASAP.


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## mrsl415 (Jun 17, 2014)

Thank you all for the input


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

You both sound extremely immature...I'm not so sure either one of you sound like you were ready to be married but that being said, what's the issue?

The guy picked you, he's not doing anything wrong and yet you're verbally abusing him because you're insecure.

You're the woman that he picked to be with...so why don't you earn it by actually treating him with some dignity and respect?

I don't understand high-strung difficult women that ***** and moan constantly at their husbands. Marriage licenses don't force a man to have to tolerate your crap. You don't pull the bait and switch after you get married and start treating him like garbage because you think he can't leave now that you trapped him into marriage and a baby. Be advised...he can leave anytime.

Frankly, if you were being a good woman and a good wife who treated her man with some kindness, respect and understanding...you wouldn't need to be scared of him wanting to investigate a happier life. You'd be providing that for him.

If you want to be happy...then be happy. If you want to be a nagging, snooping, insecure, *****ing woman...than keep it up but he's not going to stick around and take it forever...why should he?


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## mrsl415 (Jun 17, 2014)

I agree that we both acted immature but you are wrong about a lot if that. I am very aware he can leave anytime he wants. If thats what he wants hes more than welcome to do that. I am working on my issues and am seeking help/ advice because if ut does end i want to know I tried. I didn't change after we got married, he just got sick of the tude. It goes both ways as far as making eachother happy. Again, I am working on these things and he is too.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Seeing if this is any better. I know a lot of folks aren't well versed in how to make their writing easy to digest... but please break it up into paragraphs for easy reading.



mrsl415 said:


> ok I really need advice from people who are objective. I am going to give some background info and then get to the point.
> 
> My husband and I met when we were sixteen (now 27) we dated for a few months then broke up. We maintained a friendship for about 5 years before we decided to date again. I always loved him and vice versa.
> 
> ...


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