# *Warning* Long Story



## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

I met my husband when I was 13 and he was 15. We dated through the Summer and into my freshman year of middle school. We always had a lot of fun together. He was my first love/lover.

At some point in the relationship we went out on a date and I noticed that he was acting aloof. After confronting him about his attitude he admitted that he was breaking up with me because "we needed to see other people." I was devastated at the time but in hindsight we absolutely needed to see other people at that age. I never stopped loving him.

Occasionally our paths would cross and we would go out with each other. One time in high school I was dating his best friend but I didn't realize they were best friends at the time. My boyfriend never mentioned it and since we all went to different schools I never saw them together. It just wasn't brought up. Anyway, one night S showed up at my bedroom window and asked me to come out with him. I did and we ended up making love in the grass. The next day I get a call from my boyfriend and he is breaking up with me because S told him what had happened. I felt so sick inside. Did S tell his best friend so he could be with me? Nope. 

Fast forward to my early twenties. S is married with a daughter and I am married and I have just given birth to a baby girl. On our way home from the hospital I had my husband drive-thru the convenience store where I knew S was working to show him my new daughter. Shortly after that my husband, baby girl and me all moved out of state.

Thirteen years and one more daughter later my marriage was certainly at it's end. Who did I call for consolation? You guessed it! We had a phone and letter romance for about a year while I was working to get myself through college so that I could better provide for myself and my girls.

One day I get a call from S's coworker that things are really bad for S and that I needed to drive down through two states and get him before he snapped. I cannot remember why things were so dyer at the time but S does have a short fuse and can have a scary temper. So, I asked my husband for a credit card and I grabbed the car keys and drove straight through to the car dealership where he worked.

He gathered up everything he owned which fit neatly in the back of my station wagon and I drove him back to my home state and deposited him with my parents. I went back home to my husband and our daughters but went to visit my parents an hour away as often as I could.

After about another year I was finishing college, my apartment was being built and the divorce was nearly final. In the same time frame things were wearing thin between my parents and S. He got a job and decided to move into an apartment near them. This seems insignificant but trust me it becomes important later.

Finally, everything is in place now and I can finally be with the love of my life. I have never been happier! My ex-husband had been a workaholic and an emotional cripple. S was fun and attentive and showed me how to stop and smell the roses - it was bliss.

Four years later, I am trying to refinance our home when I discover a lien has been placed on our home. I discover that this is because S hasn't paid his ex-wife child support to the tune of about 12K. That was a surprise to me. Together we all negotiated a settlement, refinanced the house and all was well again until...

A few months later I am standing at the mailbox reading a letter that says things about DNA and 99.9999% probability of paternity and that there is a four year old girl...

My blood ran cold and I don't remember exactly what happened but I know I called S to ask him to explain what I was reading. He came home and read the letter and said that he had no idea what this was about. I went from being sick to angry. Angry at the state for trying to pin this child on my husband. How dare they! Together we are going to fight this! You and me together all the way baby!

For two weeks this went on and I just kept trying to make sense of everything. I kept going over things out load but something just didn't fit. 

Finally, one night as I am falling asleep the light came on. There he is propped up on one elbow and he is admitting to me that it was true. That he'd gone about a month ago and had his cheek swabbed for a DNA test. He said that there was one hazy night after playing cards and drinking that he may have slept with this woman but that he'd thought it was a dream at the time.

My whole world fell apart right then and there. I felt something snap or slip in my heart and I am telling you I have never been the same since. I have had panic attacks ever since and I had not had them prior. 

It was never about the other woman or the child - it was that this person was able to lie to me for over a month about the test and then for two weeks once the results were sent. How does a person do that to someone they call their partner?

I forgave him and we stayed together but I divorced him so that I would never again have to be financially responsible for his irresponsibility.

Until...

A couple of years later things are going well despite some deceptions here and there about his not smoking even though he was witnessed doing so by my own children on several occasions. I never believed for a second that he wasn't lying to my face but I really wanted to believe him so I let it go.

During this time I met a man and things were really great between he and I. We had so much in common. I wanted to be with him so one day I told S that I was leaving him for this man. I went to his house and we had a lovely time. I stayed the night and we slept together. As soon as it ended I had a panic attack. I did sleep but as soon as I woke up in the morning I had an overwhelming need to flee. I called Scott on the way home and I begged his forgiveness. He was so relieved to hear I wanted to come home he forgave me instantly.

I agreed to remarry him and that's just what I did. Shame on me.

Things have been both good and bad. We have gone to counseling off and on; me alone and with him as a couple.

Over the last year S has been unemployed - picking up side jobs here and there. Things have been really tough financially. When S found out about his illegitimate daughter she was already four or five years old so he started out in arrears on his child support. Add to this the fact that he has not been paying. Realizing our experience in these matters I am sure you will agree that it was a reasonable question for me to ask if he'd heard from the state regarding his child support obligation that was not being met. He told me that no he hadn't but that he would call them and let them know his situation.

Literally the next day as I am sitting down to lunch I get a call and it's S. He is distressed because he is in jail for non-payment of child support and that I need to bring $1500.00 to a courthouse an hour and a half away or he will have to spend 90 days in jail. He is sobbing and pleading with me to rescue him. I asked him how this could have happened and he admits to receiving a letter about a month prior summoning him to court. Another lie.

I agree to come and get him 1.) if my bank is dumb enough to loan me the money seeing as I am already strapped financially and 2.) that he agrees to give me a divorce.

Through all of this I still love him. I go from wanting him to leave one minute to enjoying a beer with him at Oktoberfest the next.

Can someone PLEASE HELP ME?!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is it the money or the lies that are killing you?

You do have your own children to protect, too.

Can't you simply not be married to him? 

Or do you think there are other issues that might fall out of the sky and squash you flat again?

He sounds like he's a charmer and that's what you're in love with. But maybe you want someone who is real with you. That certainly wouldn't be wrong of you and it'd be good for your kids to be around someone who is mature and honest and who deals with problems head on.

Dunno. But if you decide something, decide it and go with it.


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

I left out a small detail which I have since added.

The money and the lies are killing me.

My children are essentially raised and both are in college relying on me less and less financially.

I will definitely not be married to him EVER again.

He's not charming to anyone but me. He knows which buttons to push because he installed them.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Oh, so it is his fault.


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

Gee, I don't know about who's "fault" it is. Does it matter? I will say that I have never lied to him and honesty is of the utmost importance to me. I love him and I'm just trying to figure out what to do. At some point I have begun to feel like continually forgiving him only to be devastated by his lies is really taking it's toll on me. How low must my self-esteem be to keep signing up for this? I am confused and I don't have much of a support system. I thought there might be someone who could examine things objectively.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You already know what you need to do. You need to accept that he's not going to change and deal with it. Move on. Do what you need to do. There's nothing left to be confused about. 

You know this already!!! Just have faith in yourself.


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

My head says: "Throw this dude to the curb." My heart says: "He really means it when he says he'll change this time. That he only lies to protect me from stress and pain." I know in my head it's the things that he does and the lying to cover them up that is what ultimimately causes me stress and pain.

BTW: My counselor says that I have to work on a cognitive disorder called "emotional reasoning" which basically explains and addresses the scenario I just laid out.

I am so scared of being alone as I never have been. There was literally no gap between my parents home, my first husband and my current husband.

You're right that I need to accept and have faith in me. I am just really struggling with these very things right now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Always look at the facts and let them guide you. Don't put spin on them.

What kind of support do you have? You have a counselor so that's good. But how about friends and family? IOW, how alone will you really be if you kick him to the curb?

"We had a phone and letter romance for about a year while I was working to get myself through college so that I could better provide for myself and my girls."

And so actually, while you had a long-distance romance, you really were on your own for a year or so. And during that time you did a very good thing. Don't you see your strength? 

Just look at the facts.


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## lightcatcher (Oct 28, 2009)

Okay, so I have done A LOT of reading and soul searching since my first post.

My H will be moving out in the coming week or two. While he will not be moving far, the distance will be adequate for me to sit with myself for a bit. It is my hope that I can move from knowing what I DON'T want to realizing what I DO want and need from a relationship. While I am tentative about being alone I am trying to look at this as an adventure of self-discovery.

I have learned so much just from reading others posts and the advice that is given. What a wonderful resource this is! :smthumbup:


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