# If only...



## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Let me start by saying that I was the WS in my relationship.

I had been married for 10 years. Absolutely head over heels for my husband, no desires to do anything remotely resembling what occurred to me. Hubby was a little distant and detached, there were times when I felt like he would rather play a game on the computer than spend time with me, but over all... no complaints.

I had a party to attend for work. H was going to come with me, then the MIL backed out of watching our 3 kids, so he made arrangements for me to go with his best friend (whom he worked with also). (MIL then tried to change her mind, but H is stubborn, and was mad about it all...)

BF proceeded to get me overly drunk. I honestly have no idea where it came from, but I got the idea in my head he was cute and I wanted him. (No, I really didn't.) The only thing I'm grateful to this guy for now is that he stopped things before we actually did have sex.

I spent a lot of time on the computer talking to BF after this. I'm quite certain you could call it an EA at that point. I said things that I shouldn't have said. BF did too. After about a month and 1/2, I quit talking to the guy all together.

H had started hearing things from people. I, of course, denied everything. Didn't want to admit what I had done. About 6 months later, I finally cracked and admitted it.

H left, moved out. Moved home about a month later, saying we would work it out.

H left me again last Wednesday. Over the same thing. I have not had another affair. I've done everything I can to be as open and honest with him as possible, even offering to let him put a video camera on me 24/7 if that was what it took for him to see that he can trust me again.

We've been going to marriage counseling for the past two months, and he won't go with me anymore.

I love him. There's not a day that goes by that I don't regret what happened. I want to be his wife.

What do I do now to show him this? He moved out, is staying with a friend across town. 

Feel free to tell me how horrible I am for this, I will agree with you. But, that's not me anymore. 

How do I fix my relationship?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do you have a WHY---for your H

Why couldn't you have gone to the party solo????


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, there really isn't a whole lot you can do now. You blew it when you cheated, and made it worse by keeping it a secret for 6 months and letting your H find out about it on his own. Many BS's never do get over it. Some WS's who ARE truly remorseful never do get a second chance.

How long was it after your H moved home that he moved out again? How did you act during this time?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Poof said:


> Let me start by saying that I was the WS in my relationship.
> 
> I had been married for 10 years. Absolutely head over heels for my husband, no desires to do anything remotely resembling what occurred to me. Hubby was a little distant and detached, there were times when I felt like he would rather play a game on the computer than spend time with me, but over all... no complaints.
> 
> ...


Well I am glad you have owned up to everything..... I mean everything right. I am not trying to be antagonistic but you need to make sure you have come 100% clean. Leave no stone unturned in making sure you have revealed everything. 

Now you have committed to the NO Contact why not make it formal and write a letter the best friend stating that you were wrong. you apologize for allowing yourself to go outside of your marital boundaries. Also tell him there will no longer be any form of communication between you in person or otherwise. Let your Husband read it and agree to it. 

then ask your husband what has made him run off again. 

Look as long as your are honest and hide nothing there is not much more you can do. I would also ask if a revenge affair is a possibility?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

There's been a double betrayal here - you and his best friend. And the worst part is that you denied everything for 6 months even though he suspected. THAT is probably going to take longer to recover from than the actual betrayal itself.

You can't fix the relationship alone - your husband has to be willing to try. For now - there's not much you can do except give him space and work on yourself so that you can be trusted again. He may decide to give you the opportunity to prove that you can be trusted again - but it has to be his decision. And you need to be honest about why you did it. You say you had the idea you "wanted him" then you say "No, I really didn't". But in fact, you must have because you risked your marriage and the BF risked his friendship.

Before you can fix your marriage, you need to find out why you did it and whether you would do it again. You say you won't but unless you discover why you did in the first place, it WILL happen again.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Double betryaal can be particularly hard to get past. Your H may need to cool off a bit before having another try at R. 

At this point there isn't much you can do. Your husband removing himself from you is a pretty clear signal that he is considering ending the M. The fact that he's done it before may actually give you some hope.

From a BS point of view you had sex with his friend. It doesn't matter that the friend stopped it at this point.

Don't beg (too much). When my wife begged it felt like manipulation. Try to reason with him. Ask him what he needs to deal with this. Ask him to come home, and say you want to be there for him. You want to show him how much he means to you. 

I wish you the best. Hopefully this will work out, but this is a very tough one.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

H knew there was going to be alcohol there, and he, being the awesome husband that he really is, was trying to allow me to go without having to worry about driving. The BF was supposed to be my chaperone.

It's been almost 4 years since he moved home the first time. How did I act? I was happy, grateful that he gave me a second chance, always there for him, told him what I was doing and where I was going, when I'd be home. I wouldn't even go to the grocery store alone, just so he wouldn't worry. I gave him total access to my computer, cell phone, etc - anything that he could possibly worry about.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Unfortunately for you, it is your husband's decision if he wants to return. There truly is no way at this stage for you to "fix" it.

Continue doing the heavy lifting, never ever lie about any minute detail and above all else be empathetic toward him and understand that you weren't the only one who betrayed him.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

You can't take it back, so you're stuck. Best I can think of is to work with H's personality.

Give your H a weekly update and open invitation to communicate, and leave him to work it out. 

Maybe you can give H a specific time once a week when you will check in with him. Prepare an update of what you've been doing, and how you are doing. Perhaps write a letter once a week.

Show remorse and apologize. Make sure you have told him everything.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I feel very sorry for you. You messed around with your husband's best friend? This is such a horrible double betrayal. Your husband stays home with the kids so you can attend a party and you do this to him?

The best friend did not proceed to get you drunk. You chose to allow yourself to get drunk and get physical. The only reason you did not have full sex was because the best friend stopped.

You compounded this by having an EA with him for a 1 and 1/2 months after. I am betting you said things to him like you loved him or talked about getting intimate with him

How could you not perceive how absolutely destructive and heart-wrenching this would be for your husband for you to do this and with his best friend/ You were sober when you writing these things to your husband's best friend. This is so cruel to your husband.

How do you think you would be acting and feeling if the roles were reversed? You have humiliated your husband in the worst possible way and now he has lost his marriage and his best friend as well. What did you really think would happen when you continued this EA?

I do feel really sorry for you because it seems that your have destroyed your marriage for something so little. You need to seriously ask yourself why you deliberately allowed yourself to get drunk and get physical with his best friend and why you continued the affair with inappropriate messages. Was your marriage in bad shape? Ask yourself why your husband should forgive you? I wish you luck?


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

You know, Bryan, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Everything you said, I say to myself on a daily basis.

Why should he forgive me? That's a good question. He says he loves me. I'd say that's the only one that matters.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Poof said:


> H knew there was going to be alcohol there, and he, being the awesome husband that he really is, was trying to allow me to go without having to worry about driving. The BF was supposed to be my chaperone.
> 
> *It's been almost 4 years since he moved home the first time.* How did I act? I was happy, grateful that he gave me a second chance, always there for him, told him what I was doing and where I was going, when I'd be home. I wouldn't even go to the grocery store alone, just so he wouldn't worry. I gave him total access to my computer, cell phone, etc - anything that he could possibly worry about.


So this issue happened 4 years ago, and that you finally admitted it to him 3.5 years ago? What specifically did you and the BF do at the party? It's pretty vague that you said that the BF stopped things before you had sex, but how far did you go up until then? Hands down the pants? Kissing? Hand up shirt? Oral sex in the bathroom? Considering that there was a buzz going around 6 months after the party, it sounds like a lot of crap went down that your husband would OBVIOUSLY not approve of at all.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So your telling us---its been 4 yrs tween move-outs by your H

IMHO---this is a festering cancer, inside your H---and he may not get over it---and sad to say---he may just have had enuff

All you can hope to do, is to maybe try and court your H---as if you were starting all over from the beginning---but if the damge has taken its toll----you may just have to accept a D---and prepare to move on in your life


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

BF kissed me, and stuck his hand down my pants. We were in his truck. He had pulled over on the way to take me home.

I'm a total lightweight when it comes to alcohol. 1-2 shots of a liquor, and I'm gone. BF knew this. He got me my drink when we got there, and I have no idea how much was in it, but it only took that cup. Yes, my fault for drinking it, and yes, my fault for not getting my own.

There was a buzz going around because apparently BF was quite proud of himself for it all... Yeah.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Is there a chance he is having a revenge affair?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What happened when your husband confronted this ex-friend?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's odd that he's left again now, 4 years later.

And why did it take that long to get into MC? MC should have been in place since the beginning. Did something happen in MC?

There's got to be something else going on here. Perhaps your H only stayed until something changed, such as your kids left home, or he met someone else, or whatever. But it doesn't sound like he ever got over it.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Yes. 4 years between move outs by H.

Our MC has told me that she thinks this is all due to the fact he hasn't forgiven me for what happened, despite him saying he did.

H has said in counseling that I'm an amazing wife, he'd be dumb to leave me. But, he can't seem to let it go.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

No, I don't think there's a revenge affair going on. 

I agree, MC should have been started immediately. Why we didn't, I have no idea.

I'm at a loss on what triggered this. I seriously thought we were doing good and were happy. He gave zero indication there was anything wrong.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Yes, BF is no longer in our life. H got a job in a new city, we moved away from it all.

H did confront BF about it, cussed him out, got suspended from work over it for 2 weeks.

To clarify the timeline.

4 yrs ago - party. Me drunken idiot makes dumbest decision ever in her life. EA happens/ends.

3.5 yrs ago - H finally finds out the truth. Moves out for a month, comes home, says we'll make it work despite what happened.

2 months ago - Hubby announces to me that he wants a divorce because he can't deal with the pain anymore. We begin MC.

6 days ago - Hubby moves out.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So this issue happened 4 years ago, and that you finally admitted it to him 3.5 years ago? What specifically did you and the BF do at the party? It's pretty vague that you said that the BF stopped things before you had sex, but how far did you go up until then? Hands down the pants? Kissing? Hand up shirt? Oral sex in the bathroom? Considering that there was a buzz going around 6 months after the party, it sounds like a lot of crap went down that your husband would OBVIOUSLY not approve of at all.


Yup, trickle truthing going on here even now, 4 years after the fact. Why do I feel this may be the reason the H left again.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Poof said:


> No, I don't think there's a revenge affair going on.
> 
> I agree, MC should have been started immediately. Why we didn't, I have no idea.
> 
> I'm at a loss on what triggered this. I seriously thought we were doing good and were happy. He gave zero indication there was anything wrong.


He probably tried to "fake it until you two made it" approach, and in the end he couldn't cope with it. If what you wrote is true, the physical nature of the infidelity was tame relative to the typical cheating. However, it was the nature of the betrayal that he probably can't process. His BF (maybe since they were kids???) stabbed him in the back with the help of his other BF, aka his wife. What makes it worse is that for 6 months after the betrayal, you kept if from him and most likely he and his BF did a lot of stuff together during this time period. On top of that, you were talking to the BF behind your husbands back for 2 months after the party? What did you two talk about? Was it an EA or how were you two going to keep the betrayal from your husband? Or did you do both things?

He will need time to process this and you need to be with him in any capacity that he needs to help him get through this. I suspect he's throwing in the towel because he can't cope with it after over 3 years of trying. But, he may have had a trigger that set him off and he may be back. No idea at this point in time.

Whatever happened to the BF?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Poof said:


> Yes, BF is no longer in our life. H got a job in a new city, we moved away from it all.
> 
> H did confront BF about it, cussed him out, got suspended from work over it for 2 weeks.
> 
> ...


Sorry poof. I think your husband gave it a real try and can't get over it. I think he's done. Sorry.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry Poof. Some men just can't get over it. My guess is that he has not stopped having mind movies over this. Did you tell your husband what you said in the E-mails to this guy? Did you say that you loved him and did you talk about getting intimate in the future? If the answer is yes then is simply may be impossible for your husband to ever forget.

....If only there was a time machine to go back and undo all the damage that we have done............


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

So, your H friend stopped before you both had full blown sex? So essentially his friend is the one that stopped and not you? So if he would have kept going it would have gone all the way? How far did it go? Oral? Basically anything from a kiss and beyond is full blown physical affair, not EA as you state it is.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

I don't know what to think anymore. I do admit, I hold out hope that he'll finally come to terms with what I did in a way that he can be at peace with it.

Of course what I wrote is true. Believe me, I am getting no pleasure out of admitting this to you guys, but it feels like something I finally needed to do, if that makes sense? I screwed up big time. Maybe I can make something good out of all this?

About the what did we talk about during the EA question: Photography, World of Warcraft, him saying wanting to do me if I was single, and me laughing at him about it... It's all jsut a bunch of crap, really. Not a single word was ever said about keeping it from H. And in some respects, I'm glad I finally got caught. I hated lying to him.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Poof said:


> You know, Bryan, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Everything you said, I say to myself on a daily basis.
> 
> Why should he forgive me? That's a good question. He says he loves me. I'd say that's the only one that matters.


Are you in counseling? It was a condition for me to reconcile with my wife. Remorse is fine and a necessary prerequisite, but what I needed was effort and repair of the malformed thought processes that allowed her to make the mistakes she did.

What are you doing, to ensure that type of thing can't reoccur? What are you doing to be a better version of yourself aside from moping, saying sorry, and berating yourself?


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> So, your H friend stopped before you both had full blown sex? So essentially his friend is the one that stopped and not you? So if he would have kept going it would have gone all the way? How far did it go? Oral? Basically anything from a kiss and beyond is full blown physical affair, not EA as you state it is.


You know, I honestly don't know how far it would have gone if he hadn't have stopped it. I really don't think it would have went all the way. I can't say it wouldn't have. it's just one of those things I'm really glad I never found out...


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

There's really nothing you can do, he's had all this time to build up resentment and it must have come to a head. Usually a RA triggers this (but not always).

I think most R's fail because of stuff like this. There was one guy on her that was in R for like 12 years then decided he wanted out. He never got over the A.

You need to plan on the D going through, I suspect he's gone for good.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> Are you in counseling? It was a condition for me to reconcile with my wife. Remorse is fine and a necessary prerequisite, but what I needed was effort and repair of the malformed thought processes that allowed her to make the mistakes she did.
> 
> What are you doing, to ensure that type of thing can't reoccur? What are you doing to be a better version of yourself aside from moping, saying sorry, and berating yourself?


I am still in counseling. Every Tuesday @ 1:15 pm 

I no longer drink alcohol. I avoid it like the plague. As far as making a better me, I've been working on going back to college for my teaching degree. I've only had 6 days to deal with so far, and I have to admit, I've spent the most of them in a really depressed, tear filled fog that mainly focused on our kids.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How old are your children? What is his relationship with them?

How do you show your husband that you really love him and are truly remorseful and not just sorry that you got caught? How do you build up his ego since he felt that you really wanted another man?


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

bryanp said:


> How old are your children? What is his relationship with them?
> 
> How do you show your husband that you really love him and are truly remorseful and not just sorry that you got caught? How do you build up his ego since he felt that you really wanted another man?


He's an awesome father. Our kids are 13, 10, and 6.

Lots of hugs, lots of comforting when I know something is bugging him. If I walk by him, I have to touch him, like run my fingers across his back, kiss him on top of the head if he's sitting down, etc. Lots of me being goofy because my sense of humor is one of the things that made him fall in love with me in the first place.

I tell him how awesome he is on a regular basis. At night, before we'd go to bed, he'd always tell me Sweet Dreams, and I'd always smile and tell him, "They'll be about you". He knows good and well how amazing I think he is in bed. I love to write I love you on the mirror when it's steamy so when he takes a shower later, it'll reappear for him.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Poof said:


> I am still in counseling. Every Tuesday @ 1:15 pm
> 
> I no longer drink alcohol. I avoid it like the plague. As far as making a better me, I've been working on going back to college for my teaching degree. I've only had 6 days to deal with so far, and I have to admit, I've spent the most of them in a really depressed, tear filled fog that mainly focused on our kids.


Did your husband go dark on you or are you two still communicating? What type of things/actions/words does your husband respond to most so that he knows that he's loved? There's a book that people reference called the 5 love languages. I never used it personally, but the tenets of the book make sense. For example, my wife shows me that she loves me by doing things for me. That's her primary "language" for showing love. I am more of an intimacy person, and I show my love mostly by trying to be intimate (more than just sex, but sex would be a facet of it) through physical touch - like hugs, massages, kisses, etc. In one of your posts, your husband told a friend that he knows you are a great person and that he'd be crazy to leave you; however, is that because you do a lot for the family or is it because he knows that you truly love him? Maybe part of your problem is that you didn't fully connect with him in those 3 years you were working to rebuild the trust and love in your marriage. IDK, but something to think about.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your H's sub--conscious has won

He has had 4 yrs to deal with this---and your finally telling him your version of what happened---after everyone else in town knew---and you lied, on top of that---it just festered

Your H in his own mind doesn't really know for sure that your version of what happened is the truth---and his sub--conscious is filling in all kinds of other scenes for what went on in that truck---I E---his imagination is running the show!!!!

He just can't handle it anymore-----The word also I am sure got out that his BF, took his wife, from him---doesn't matter what you actually did physically---you did something, hid it, and lied about it

Hopefully you have learned your lesson---and this won't happen again, remember this---even if there is a D---there is a % of X's who do get back together---so just keep up hope, and don't burn any bridges

Don't make the D---nasty---maybe in the long run---he will see that you are still better for him than anyone else----right now---he doesn't see that-------unfortunately you made your bed---and you have to sleep in that bed.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Did your husband go dark on you or are you two still communicating? What type of things/actions/words does your husband respond to most so that he knows that he's loved? There's a book that people reference called the 5 love languages. I never used it personally, but the tenets of the book make sense. For example, my wife shows me that she loves me by doing things for me. That's her primary "language" for showing love. I am more of an intimacy person, and I show my love mostly by trying to be intimate (more than just sex, but sex would be a facet of it) through physical touch - like hugs, massages, kisses, etc. In one of your posts, your husband told a friend that he knows you are a great person and that he'd be crazy to leave you; however, is that because you do a lot for the family or is it because he knows that you truly love him? Maybe part of your problem is that you didn't fully connect with him in those 3 years you were working to rebuild the trust and love in your marriage. IDK, but something to think about.


He's gone dark. I've talked to him once since he left. I told him I loved him and I wanted him to come home. He told me he couldn't yet. (Whatever that means is yet to be determined.)

He knows I love him. I have no doubts about that. It's an interesting thought, about not fully connecting. 

I wonder if I tried to hard to be the perfect wife for him after it.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Poof said:


> Our MC has told me that she thinks this is all due to the fact he hasn't forgiven me for what happened, despite him saying he did.


Whether he forgives/has forgiven you has nothing to do with whether he can continue to live with someone who emotionally abused him. Any MC worth their salt would've made this point.

Forgiveness is for him, not for you.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Poof said:


> H knew there was going to be alcohol there, and he, being the awesome husband that he really is, was trying to allow me to go without having to worry about driving. The BF was supposed to be my chaperone.
> 
> It's been almost 4 years since he moved home the first time. How did I act? I was happy, grateful that he gave me a second chance, always there for him, told him what I was doing and where I was going, when I'd be home. I wouldn't even go to the grocery store alone, just so he wouldn't worry. I gave him total access to my computer, cell phone, etc - anything that he could possibly worry about.


Your husband sent you off to a party to enjoy yourself and have fun. Not make out with the guy driving you there. Also there is such a thing as saying no. No I am getting too intoxicated so I will stop drinking and socialize. Or I am too intoxicated I am going to call my husband to come and get me. There are million things you could have done right and you chose none of them. I only say this incase you are trying to put blame on the H. Your Husband said you could go and put a lot of trust in you to stay within your boundaries. But you didn't and now your H has to worry about any and every time you and the BF could have possibly been alone together. You may know the truth but he won't believe you because he can't trust you or the BF. The only thing you can do is anything he needs you to do (within reason) to prove to him that you will be faithful and that you want him back. 
Other than that the ball is in his court dear. You are one of the few WS I ever put stock in as having a good chance at R and you seem like you mean it. So keep trying keep with the NO Contact and keep trying to show him you mean business.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

badbane said:


> Your husband sent you off to a party to enjoy yourself and have fun. Not make out with the guy driving you there. Also there is such a thing as saying no. No I am getting too intoxicated so I will stop drinking and socialize. Or I am too intoxicated I am going to call my husband to come and get me. There are million things you could have done right and you chose none of them. I only say this incase you are trying to put blame on the H. Your Husband said you could go and put a lot of trust in you to stay within your boundaries. But you didn't and now your H has to worry about any and every time you and the BF could have possibly been alone together. You may know the truth but he won't believe you because he can't trust you or the BF. The only thing you can do is anything he needs you to do (within reason) to prove to him that you will be faithful and that you want him back.
> Other than that the ball is in his court dear. You are one of the few WS I ever put stock in as having a good chance at R and you seem like you mean it. So keep trying keep with the NO Contact and keep trying to show him you mean business.


I would never put the blame on H for this. I did this... not him. It's all my fault. 

Yeah.... It's going to be a long road, I know. I do mean business. He's my man, I love him more than anything, and I will do whatever it takes to show him that.

Other than that, it's all up to him, I know.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Poof said:


> He knows I love him. I have no doubts about that.


Are you sure? It's hard to find the trust in that as a BS.He was sure you loved him before this all happened.Does he take the chance and wholeheartedly believe again?


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

TBT said:


> Are you sure? It's hard to find the trust in that as a BS.He was sure you loved him before this all happened.Does he take the chance and wholeheartedly believe again?


I'm sure. He 100% believes that I do in fact love him. He's told me that, he's told the MC that.

No doubts at all. He knows how I feel about him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The problem is, you were supposed to be loving him when you cheated too. Most BS's have a huge hard time reconciling that.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't matter. It boils down to the fact you can't take back what you did. You will forever have cheated on him.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> The problem is, you were supposed to be loving him when you cheated too. Most BS's have a huge hard time reconciling that.
> 
> Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't matter. It boils down to the fact you can't take back what you did. You will forever have cheated on him.


Yes, I know. It sucks more than anything, too.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Poof; my heart does go out to you here. 

If you have told the truth about it all I don't know what more you can do.

Maybe he needs to feel that you will give him space, but on the other hand perhaps it's a "test" to see if you will still hold out for him.

Could you get him to go to a different MC?

I hope it works out for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's a link in my sig - Understanding the Pain- have a read.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Poof; my heart does go out to you here.
> 
> If you have told the truth about it all I don't know what more you can do.
> 
> ...


Our MC suggested trying a different counselor for some emotion based therapy. He said no to that, because he likes the one we have. 

Of course I'll give him space if he wants it, I'll wait forever for him if that's what it takes. I'd cut off my arm if he asked me to to help him feel better... I'm not above doing whatever he asks of me to help him recover from this.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sure arm chopping is NOT on the list...


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

For the sake of my arms, I really hope not!

But yeah, just trying to make the point I'm quite serious about doing whatever he wants me to do.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Poof - you seem to be avoiding the obvious which is why you did what you did. Blaming the alcohol is a bit of a copout. And you weren't drunk during the 1.5 month EA or for the 6 months that you lied about it.

You need to be honest before you can have any hope to reconcile. It begins with being honest with yourself - and maybe being honest on this anonymous forum.

Why did you do what you did? You say your H is great. Was he always great? If so, why would you cheat on a great husband?

THIS is what you need to examine and come to terms with before you can think of getting your husband back. I'm guessing that he has spent 4 years wondering the answers to these same questions himself.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Sometimes it's too late and you've had your chances.



Imadeamistake said:


> Let me tell you my story and hope you listen.
> 
> Me and my husband were married 16 years. We had 2 boys, 14 and 12. Financially we were good. We bought a fixer upper in a good location, that eventually became a great location. About 4 years into our marriage we came into an inheritance which allowed us to pay off our mortgage and fix up the home. So 4 years into our marriage we were pretty great. My husband had his job and I worked for a graphics design office. Life was good my husband had his hobbies, Elks club, ETC.
> 
> ...


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

C-man said:


> Poof - you seem to be avoiding the obvious which is why you did what you did. Blaming the alcohol is a bit of a copout. And you weren't drunk during the 1.5 month EA or for the 6 months that you lied about it.
> 
> You need to be honest before you can have any hope to reconcile. It begins with being honest with yourself - and maybe being honest on this anonymous forum.
> 
> ...


I'm sure it is a copout for most. I know this - I was perfectly satisfied in my marriage prior to this happening. If it wasn't for the alcohol, I never would have done anything at that party. So, yes, for me, it was the alcohol coupled with a stupid drunk thought. 

No, I wasn't always drunk during the EA, you're right. I do know that anything bad I said/did during that time occured on nights when I had been drinking tho. I am not very compatible with alcohol, apparently. Giving it up was a relief.

Why did I do it? You know, I have no idea why. I wasn't unhappy with my marriage. I didn't want out of it. I loved him so much then, and if it's possible, I love him even more now. I've wracked my brain so much over the past 4 years trying to come to terms with whatever it was inside of me that could do that to the man I love. 

I am being honest with you guys. I understand it's in the nature of the beast for people who have affairs to lie about it and then do whatever to cover their tracks. (Hi, I tried it. Didn't work too well...) I also understand that the majority of you are coming from the perspective of the person who was betrayed by an idiot like me. One of the reasons I'm here right now. I want that perspective.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Keep going to individual counseling. Be as open and honest as you can IF he wants to work things out. He may need time to assess whether or not he can be invested in this relationship. If I were you, I'd not date until you're certain there is no chance of R and you figure out your weaknesses and can learn to safeguard against them.

He may never forgive you. He may not be interested in trying again. Or, he may need a lot of time to reconsider. The ball is on his court. All you can do is try to be a better person, price you have changed, express remorse, focus on being a good mom and a better prospect than you have proven yourself to be.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Poof said:


> Why did I do it? You know, I have no idea why.


Perhaps your husband, knowing this, couldn't live with the uncertainty it entails.

You really need to figure out why you did it. How else can you be sure to never do it again?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Poof said:


> H knew there was going to be alcohol there, and he, being the awesome husband that he really is, was trying to allow me to go without having to worry about driving. The BF was supposed to be my chaperone.
> *
> It's been almost 4 years since he moved home the first time*. How did I act? I was happy, grateful that he gave me a second chance, always there for him, told him what I was doing and where I was going, when I'd be home. I wouldn't even go to the grocery store alone, just so he wouldn't worry. I gave him total access to my computer, cell phone, etc - anything that he could possibly worry about.


Say... whaaaat?

_Four years_? Then he suddenly says he can't stands it and bails?

*Really*? After *four years*?

Is there something going on here that *you* might not be aware of?:scratchhead:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Poof said:


> I'm sure it is a copout for most. I know this - I was perfectly satisfied in my marriage prior to this happening. If it wasn't for the alcohol, I never would have done anything at that party. So, yes, for me, it was the alcohol coupled with a stupid drunk thought.
> 
> No, I wasn't always drunk during the EA, you're right. I do know that anything bad I said/did during that time occured on nights when I had been drinking tho. I am not very compatible with alcohol, apparently. Giving it up was a relief.
> 
> ...



Poof - I don't believe that you can blame the alcohol for the cheating. You are rationalizing your behaviour. I can buy drunk one night stands. I cannot buy drunken 1.5 month EA's and drunken 6 months of deception. And I am guessing that your husband doesn't buy that story either and has spent 4 years trying to figure out the real answer. 

I don't mean to be harsh - but your husband probably came to the conclusion that you are a cheater. Period. So he cannot trust you because you are blaming an outside influence (the alcohol) instead of searching for the reasons within yourself. 

After a while, blaming the alchohol probably started to sound like "the dog ate my homework".


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Perhaps your husband, knowing this, couldn't live with the uncertainty it entails.
> 
> You really need to figure out why you did it. How else can you be sure to never do it again?


Well, after having living through it, and having to accept what I did, there's no way in hell I'd ever put another person through something like this again. I don't have it in me. I really don't.

That and I won't be drinking.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

C-man said:


> Poof - I don't believe that you can blame the alcohol for the cheating. You are rationalizing your behaviour. I can buy drunk one night stands. I cannot buy drunken 1.5 month EA's and drunken 6 months of deception. And I am guessing that your husband doesn't buy that story either and has spent 4 years trying to figure out the real answer.
> 
> I don't mean to be harsh - but your husband probably came to the conclusion that you are a cheater. Period. So he cannot trust you because you are blaming an outside influence (the alcohol) instead of searching for the reasons within yourself.
> 
> After a while, blaming the alchohol probably started to sound like "the dog ate my homework".


I'm sure he did come to the conclusion I'm a cheater, because, yes, I cheated on him. Period. 

The thing is, I have never tried to sleep with another man when I am sober. The only thing different about me when all this was going on was the fact I was drunk/drinking. The outside influence is what did it, I know that. I'm ok with you disagreeing with me on this point.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Say... whaaaat?
> 
> _Four years_? Then he suddenly says he can't stands it and bails?
> 
> ...


If there is, he's a lot of a better liar than I ever was. Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with another woman...


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## holycowe (Apr 7, 2013)

Come on Poof, I don't think it was just EA. it was FULL ON pa. No way in hell that guy stopped right there. He liked you, you let him kissed you, got his hand in your paint, you didn't say no and he stopped? 
If that was your H with OW. I think he would stopped (he thought about you, his kids) before the next step. But that guy? Hell no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

I'm glad you feel that way, but you're wrong. I didn't sleep with the guy. Acted rather inappropriate, yes.

Believe what you like. I told the truth.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Poof said:


> I'm glad you feel that way, but you're wrong. I didn't sleep with the guy. Acted rather inappropriate, yes.
> 
> Believe what you like. I told the truth.



Well, here's the thing. You CANNOT say definitively that you did not sleep with him when you use alcohol as a reason for your behaviour. You mean you were drunk enough that you couldn't control cheating, but you were sober enough that you drew the line on sleeping with your husband's best friend? That's simply too hard to believe.

Either you were drunk and out of control, or you consciously cheated.

If the former, then it's entirely possible that your husband's former BF confessed something to your husband which you don't want to hear or maybe you don't remember. If it's the latter then your husband just had enough.

Either way - you need to find out the truth, or tell the truth.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

C-man said:


> Well, here's the thing. You CANNOT say definitively that you did not sleep with him when you use alcohol as a reason for your behaviour. You mean you were drunk enough that you couldn't control cheating, but you were sober enough that you drew the line on sleeping with your husband's best friend? That's simply too hard to believe.
> 
> Either you were drunk and out of control, or you consciously cheated.
> 
> ...


And yet again, I am telling the truth. I'm sorry there's not more to it... but it is what it is. *shrug*


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

So you were drunk enough to cheat, but sober enough to not have full sex? That's walking a very fine line which conveniently exonerates your behaviour.

It truly is what it is - and I think that's exactly the conclusion your husband came to.

You need to take ownership of what happened - that is the only way you'll ever have even the slimmest hope of getting your husband back. Own your own sh!t, as they say.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

C-man said:


> So you were drunk enough to cheat, but sober enough to not have full sex? That's walking a very fine line which conveniently exonerates your behaviour.


Good lord, give it a rest. You've made your point. If she isn't telling the truth, she's the one who has to live with it. She's here because she's remorseful and was/is hoping to figure out if there's anything she can do to fix things.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Trust me, I take ownership of what I did. Can you really sit here and tell me that I haven't taken complete responsibility for the fact that I did indeed screw up? Yes, I was drunk enough to cheat. 

Here's my question to you. Did you read my first post where I said this? "The only thing I'm grateful to this guy for now is that he stopped things before we actually did have sex."

I will say it again. BF stopped it before we did anything else. 

So, yeah. I'm no angel, I never claimed to be... but... yeah, I'm not as evil as you seem to make me out to be at the moment.


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

These are betrayed spouses on here. Notice how they all zero in on why. It's clear to me that if you don't anser why he will never get through it while he is with you. If you can't anser it the only way he will get past it is by leaving you. I don't want that for you.

Poof. I've been learning very quickly that why is the million dollar question. Even if the anser hurts it is the anser he needs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Poof said:


> If there is, he's a lot of a better liar than I ever was. Honestly, I don't think it has anything to do with another woman...


Maybe not that. But has someone been speaking with him about it? Making him feel less of a man for having forgiven you? Or has the OM made a return to the scene?

Something has triggered your husband. But what?:scratchhead:


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Myka said:


> These are betrayed spouses on here. Notice how they all zero in on why. It's clear to me that if you don't anser why he will never get through it while he is with you. If you can't anser it the only way he will get past it is by leaving you. I don't want that for you.
> 
> Poof. I've been learning very quickly that why is the million dollar question. Even if the anser hurts it is the anser he needs.


So, what am I supposed to do, make up some reason? I don't have one as to why I did it. I really don't...


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe not that. But has someone been speaking with him about it? Making him feel less of a man for having forgiven you? Or has the OM made a return to the scene?
> 
> Something has triggered your husband. But what?:scratchhead:


His friend that he is staying with recently divorced his wife, and is now living with the his new girlfriend. I wouldn't be too shocked if he's in on it right up to his annoying neck.

Again, I don't know this for sure... could be as valid as anything else, though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Myka said:


> Poof. I've been learning very quickly that why is the million dollar question. Even if the anser hurts it is the anser he needs.


This is true; hence my earlier question. You may be satisfied that you'll never do it again, but I don't think he is. This may be the most important thing you can do, if you hope to reconcile.


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

Poof said:


> So, what am I supposed to do, make up some reason? I don't have one as to why I did it. I really don't...


From one cheater to another. You need to figure it out while there's still time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Poof said:


> So, what am I supposed to do, make up some reason? I don't have one as to why I did it. I really don't...


See, as a BS, this sounds like a cop out.

You need to get into some heavy duty IC and do some heavy duty work on yourself to figure out why.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

C-man said:


> So you were drunk enough to cheat, but sober enough to not have full sex? That's walking a very fine line which conveniently exonerates your behaviour.
> 
> It truly is what it is - and I think that's exactly the conclusion your husband came to.
> 
> You need to take ownership of what happened - that is the only way you'll ever have even the slimmest hope of getting your husband back. Own your own sh!t, as they say.


Really, C-Man? Yah think? 

Because that is *exactly* what happened to me! I was drunk enough to cheat but sober enough to not have full sex with the OW. (Well, actually I saw an image of my wife just before I was about to have unprotected sex with the OW and that blasted away the fog, didn't consummate my adultery and the next day I confessed all to my wife.)

And I think you will find that Poof has taken ownership of what happened. So I think your advice is a tad redundant.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> This is true; hence my earlier question. You may be satisfied that you'll never do it again, but I don't think he is. This may be the most important thing you can do, if you hope to reconcile.


I guess I'm figuratively screwed if that is what everything hinges on then, because I'm not kidding. I don't have a why. I wish I did.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The reason could be as simple as you gave into your base desires, or as complicated as that you were sexually abused as a child. Like I said, get into therapy. Find someone who will help you figure it out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> See, as a BS, this sounds like a cop out.
> 
> You need to get into some heavy duty IC and do some heavy duty work on yourself to figure out why.


You know, this is sounding an awful lot like Tears' case. And she had no clue as to why she did it. At least not until some fairly intensive counselling.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> See, as a BS, this sounds like a cop out.
> 
> You need to get into some heavy duty IC and do some heavy duty work on yourself to figure out why.


I've been looking for the answer for the past 4 years. Still haven't found it.

I apologize for it sounding like a cop out. I can well imagine my husband thinks it does too. But again, it is what it is.... If I haven't found it by now, I'm not going to, I'm pretty sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Poof said:


> I've been looking for the answer for the past 4 years. Still haven't found it.


Looking for it how? Waiting for it to drop into your lap?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Poof said:


> I've been looking for the answer for the past 4 years. Still haven't found it.
> 
> I apologize for it sounding like a cop out. I can well imagine my husband thinks it does too. But again, it is what it is.... If I haven't found it by now, I'm not going to, I'm pretty sure.


you might do, through counselling.

Alcohol was involved. Any other drugs, deliberately ingested or given to you by a third party?

Did OM really act like the gentleman or did someone spot what he was doing and call him on it?


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

Poof said:


> I guess I'm figuratively screwed if that is what everything hinges on then, because I'm not kidding. I don't have a why. I wish I did.


I hope you figure it out.

Did you and your husband have enough time together?

Was it sex?

Were you flattered?

I don't know. I'm stabbing in the dark. I just know I came and posted my story and got hammered by why. The first question my husband had was why. So the big thing, I've learned, is the betrayed spouse needs to know why.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Back up your words to your H, offer to sign a post-nup and to take a polygraph.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Looking for it how? Waiting for it to drop into your lap?


Doing lots of soul searching. I figure I know me better than anyone.

I had a perfectly normal childhood. Hubby was my first 'real' love. No desire to sow wild oats... happy homelife with hubby. I felt desired, needed, etc, (all the typical stuff you read about on why women cheat.) 

I had zero desire to go find better. I had the best at home.

Yeah. The only why I can come up with is "I was stupid."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Poof said:


> Doing lots of soul searching. I figure I know me better than anyone.
> 
> I had a perfectly normal childhood. Hubby was my first 'real' love. No desire to sow wild oats... happy homelife with hubby. I felt desired, needed, etc, (all the typical stuff you read about on why women cheat.)
> 
> ...


What reading have you done? What books have you bought? How many counselors have you seen? Joined any groups, on or offline? Just 'soul searching' also sounds like a cop out to me, frankly.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Poof said:


> Doing lots of soul searching. I figure I know me better than anyone.
> 
> I had a perfectly normal childhood. Hubby was my first 'real' love. No desire to sow wild oats... happy homelife with hubby. I felt desired, needed, etc, (all the typical stuff you read about on why women cheat.)
> 
> ...


Women cheat because they decide to. Men do too.

Some use lame excuses such as 'not feeling wanted'. Some believe them, although none do that know about these things.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So you don't know why the initial infidelity occurred,but your reasoning for continuing on over the computer might shed some light on it.Wishing the best for you both whatever the outcome,as I get that you're remorseful,but I also understand your H's position.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Poof said:


> I've been looking for the answer for the past 4 years. Still haven't found it.
> 
> I apologize for it sounding like a cop out. I can well imagine my husband thinks it does too. But again, it is what it is.... If I haven't found it by now, I'm not going to, I'm pretty sure.


Throwing out a weird connection. Perhaps something to do with the connection between H and BF. Safe perhaps, common bond ... it's all conjecture and will make all the BS community here livid. 

Poof: I agree with the community here. H must get some closure; be able to put it into a box of sorts so that he can work on it. With the starkness of a "dunno," the nasty episode is likely to permeate everything, all the time - provides no manageable thing to wrestle with.

Maybe counseling is the answer here. I for one do not think you are lying, and pressure from other posters will likely not make you give birth to the exact reason here.

This may well be your project to prove that you are indeed doing the heavy lifting: determine the reason, in a good faith, open and communicated way.

Good Luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I believe your story and I do believe it was due to the intolerance of the drinking. The problem it seems to me is that you were sober when you had the email affair going on with the OM for over a month behind your husband's back. I am sure that is really very painful for your husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Poof said:


> Doing lots of soul searching. I figure I know me better than anyone.
> 
> I had a perfectly normal childhood. Hubby was my first 'real' love. No desire to sow wild oats... happy homelife with hubby. I felt desired, needed, etc, (all the typical stuff you read about on why women cheat.)
> 
> ...


How 'smart' are you? Are you of above average intelligence? (Sometimes smart people can do really daft things.)

Anything like autism or asperger's?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Women cheat because they decide to. Men do too.
> 
> Some use lame excuses such as 'not feeling wanted'. Some believe them, although none do that know about these things.


Jeez. I just realised something. Did I have my revenge affair because I felt entitled? I spent several years heavy drinking (AP was a drinking buddy involved in a hobby group we were members of) so alcohol was involved in my idiocy, too...


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> What reading have you done? What books have you bought? How many counselors have you seen? Joined any groups, on or offline? Just 'soul searching' also sounds like a cop out to me, frankly.


Other than me dealing with me internally and reading some webpages about infidelity - nothing much yet. You have to remember, up until here recently, I figured my marriage was on the road to recovery.

I did what I thought was best at the time. It's what I had to work with.

You guys are the first "group" I've joined. And... while the welcome has been less than warm, in a way, this is strangely therapeutic.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

bryanp said:


> I believe your story and I do believe it was due to the intolerance of the drinking. The problem it seems to me is that you were sober when you had the email affair going on with the OM for over a month behind your husband's back. I am sure that is really very painful for your husband.


I'm sure it is too. So many times I wish I could change it.

I'm pretty sure that if it hadn't have been for that first initial night, the EM wouldn't have ever happened either. I chalk that all up to my guilt over the initial affair. Wishful thinking now that it's all over with? Maybe?


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

I can't beat the anser out of you. I won't try either. I just want you to see how important it is.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> How 'smart' are you? Are you of above average intelligence? (Sometimes smart people can do really daft things.)
> 
> Anything like autism or asperger's?


I'm considered above average on the IQ scale, but I'm not Autistic or Aspergers...

Just really stupid for doing what I did.


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## Myka (Apr 11, 2013)

Meh. Look at my thread. I got my beating. There are nice people here too. I believe most are here to help. This site is big on tough love though.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

Myka said:


> Meh. Look at my thread. I got my beating. There are nice people here too. I believe most are here to help. This site is big on tough love though.


 I'm ok with the tough love. 

I probably should have worded that a little differently. I know I'm in a way, persona non grata. I'm one one of the ones who did something horrible and dehumanizing to a person. I totally hate myself for that.

I don't want anyone to excuse my behavior, pat me on the back and tell me it's going to be ok. I want viewpoints on what happened from my husband's side. I'm getting those. They're awesome. Thank you guys for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Poof said:


> I'm considered above average on the IQ scale, but I'm not Autistic or Aspergers...
> 
> Just really stupid for doing what I did.


Now, how did I know you were going to be of above average intelligence? (Just a calculated guess.)

But do you have street smarts? Probably not. OM was playing you. His "Oh, but we mustn't have sex!" was supposed to let you know how noble he was. Before he eventually snared you into a full on PA. Which would have been so perfect and so right. Well, it would, wouldn't it? After all, he was noble enough not to have sex with you when you were made drunk by him pouring loads of booze down your neck, right?

His plan was to keep up contact after this and then entrap/ensnare you into performing acts of carnal congress with you, without you realising you were committing adultery.

Only you pulled the plug on his nasty fantasy.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Jeez. I just realised something. Did I have my revenge affair because I felt entitled? I spent several years heavy drinking (AP was a drinking buddy involved in a hobby group we were members of) so alcohol was involved in my idiocy, too...


You had a darn good reason and lot of hurt. You also did the right thing in the end!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I have to tell you Poof that your previous response on how you show your love to your husband was awesome. If my ex-wife had done just half of what you described what you do for your husband then I am sure I would still be married to her today. I really do not think there is anything more that you can do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> You had a darn good reason and lot of hurt. You also did the right thing in the end!


I had a good friend who said to me: "Oh my god, Matt! You idiot! What were you thinking?! You have to confess to your wife, now!"

God. The look on her face when I confessed. That broke me.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

So, I sent Hubs an email with this:

Please read this, before you delete this and me out of your life.

I joined a marriage community today. They have a forum on Coping with Infidelity. 

Yeah, so I signed up, posted up a thread on what happened to us, and waited to be roasted alive.

Oh yes, I'm getting roasted alive. But there are some people there who genuinely seem to want to help. 

They say I have to have a "Why" about why the whole sordid crap pile happened in the first place so you can finally get some closure. 

The only "Why" I can come up with is this : I was a completely selfish stupid dumba$$ who thought nothing bad would or could ever happen to me. I landed smack dab in the middle of a horrible position to be in, made an incredibly bad decision to even try to sleep with *name changed to protect the stupid*, and then completely followed it up with a healthy dose of highly charged incredibly stupid decisions fed by guilt. I am utterly ashamed of myself, what I have done to you, and everything horrible you've been thru because of me since then.

I fully understand why you left me. I want you know that I do love you. More today than yesterday. You really are my world. Thank you for being so awesome to me when I didn't deserve it.

I have no idea how he'll reply to it, but it's a start.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Good lord, give it a rest. You've made your point. If she isn't telling the truth, she's the one who has to live with it. She's here because she's remorseful and was/is hoping to figure out if there's anything she can do to fix things.


Hey, listen. She's on here asking for advice, and I'm giving it. Is she remorseful? About what? Drinking?

If she wants to fix things, there is one way and one way only. She needs to come clean, with her husband, as to what went on and why. I would wager that her husband knows her better than anybody - and he's walked.


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

C-man said:


> Hey, listen. She's on here asking for advice, and I'm giving it. Is she remorseful? About what? Drinking?
> 
> If she wants to fix things, there is one way and one way only. She needs to come clean, with her husband, as to what went on and why. I would wager that her husband knows her better than anybody - and he's walked.


Let's go with she's remorseful about breaking her husband's heart and spirit.

Drinking was the cause, not the reason I'm sorry.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Poof said:


> So, I sent Hubs an email with this:
> 
> Please read this, before you delete this and me out of your life.
> 
> ...


This is a start. Again, the aspect of it being a double betrayal will make it really tough - but this has more honesty in it than blaming the bottle. 

Hopefully your husband will read it and be willing to at least listen to you, even if it's four years after the fact.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Poof said:


> Trust me, I take ownership of what I did. Can you really sit here and tell me that I haven't taken complete responsibility for the fact that I did indeed screw up? Yes, I was drunk enough to cheat.
> 
> Here's my question to you. Did you read my first post where I said this? "The only thing I'm grateful to this guy for now is that he stopped things before we actually did have sex."
> 
> ...



It's not about being "good" or being "evil". It's about repairing the damage. If you read this forum for any length of time you will see the pattern of the WS blaming anything and everything BUT themselves for their cheating. 

Everybody makes mistakes. Ultimately it is how you deal with the mistake, not the mistake itself, which makes the difference between staying married and splitting.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

Could you further explain how the guilt from the initial encounter led you into the EA? It seems like it you were feeling guilty, it would have kept you from further escalating the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

btdt said:


> Could you further explain how the guilt from the initial encounter led you into the EA? It seems like it you were feeling guilty, it would have kept you from further escalating the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's hard to explain, but I'll try as best I can.

Initial encounter happened. 

Everytime I looked at my husband after that, visions of what is happening to me right now flashed in front of my eyes. (And I have to say, it's as bad as I thought it would be.) I was utterly and totally scared to death about that. I was also convinced I was doomed.

It's really, really hard when you have a secret you know you need to tell the man you love, but just can't because you know very bad things will happen. Yes, I know now I should have just sucked it up and took my lumps. I wasn't exactly thinking straight at the time.

So, what happens when you did something really bad? For most people, guilt kicks in. Who was the one person who understood (it was like he was my only friend right then.) what I was going thru? Yeah, the BF. I was so guilty because I couldn't tell the husband, and just let myself go down a road I never should have taken.

And only made matters about 1,000,000 times worse in the process.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Really, C-Man? Yah think?
> 
> Because that is *exactly* what happened to me! I was drunk enough to cheat but sober enough to not have full sex with the OW. (Well, actually I saw an image of my wife just before I was about to have unprotected sex with the OW and that blasted away the fog, didn't consummate my adultery and the next day I confessed all to my wife.)
> 
> And I think you will find that Poof has taken ownership of what happened. So I think your advice is a tad redundant.


I know it's your story, but from what I've read it's totally different circumstances. Totally. You were contemplating a revenge affair (if I remember correctly) and with a few drinks moved forward with it before you pulled back. That's a little different than this situation, Yah think?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Poof

Hopefully in time you can get your H to open up and really talk to you.

As bad as the cheating with the BF was, what really does the damage is the "trickle truth" for months.

When you constantly lie over and over to protect yourself well that really does some damage.

I hope you can convince him to join you in MC.

And him staying with the Divorced buddy is not good for him or your marriage.

But only he can make the decision to want to be with you, love you and stay married to you.

Keep posting. It is therapy in its own way.

Sorry you are here.

HM64


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Please understand, many cheaters have posted here, just about all have lied in their posts.

When a story doesn't make sense, usually it is a lie. Or a bunch of stuff is being left out.

1. You have stated that other man bragged about what he did with you, and it got back to your husband. It doesn't make sense that other man wanted to stop from going all the way, but then later bragged about what he did do. If he was the type of guy to kiss and tell, it doesn't make sense he would stop where he did.

2. You put a lot of blame on the alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, impairs judgement and increases the libido. This is not an excuse, but it is a mitigating factor in your favor. On the negative side, you knew that you had a problem with alcohol and drank anyway. What doesn't make sense, however, is that you continued to carry on with other man for a month and a half afterward. Your explanation does not make sense, that guilt made you do it, that he was the only one you could confide in. To say that you had alcohol every time you communicated with other man is a very weak excuse, it does not at all mitigate what you did, because you kept doing it.

3. Blaming the repeated contact with the other man on alcohol makes your original story look more like a lie.

4. Only telling your husband the truth after he already found out makes the rest of your story look less true, especially the part about you being really guilty and really sorry that it happened. While you still were in contact with the other man.

5. It's very hard for a husband listen to another man brag about sexing the husband's wife. Telling everyone how the wife was begging for more, and he had to stop because he felt sorry for the poor guy. Or telling everyone how he bagged you and now you can't stop contacting him, telling him you want more. I'm guessing that every single person where your husband worked knew about it and your husband was the absolute last person to find out. 

6. I find it very disturbing that you allowed your husband to continue as good friends with this other guy. Your husband probably THANKED this guy that night AND AGAIN at work on Monday, and who knows how many more times, for helping him out and taking his wife to the party, with the other guy snickering at him about what a fool your husband was. This is hard to get over, might stick with a guy for quite a while.

7. Your husband got suspended for two weeks over it, probably because he couldn't take listening to the other man crow about it any longer, then after his suspension your husband just had to suck it up and listen to the other man's bragging or your husband would have gotten fired.

8. Finally, he (and you and the kids) had to move to another city and get another job to get away from it.

9. Meanwhile, what were your consequences for all this time? Did you have any?

Your story is theoretically possible, but not really believable. I wouldn't believe it if I were your husband. I don't know if your husband ever did believe it, or if he still does, or if he never believed it and was just trying to suck it up for the sake of the kids.

If your story is true, I'm really sorry, but it is a tough story to believe. If you heard a story like yours five years ago, would you have believed it?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Myka said:


> I hope you figure it out.
> 
> Did you and your husband have enough time together?
> 
> ...


Because he knows if you do not know why you did it there is no way you can say you will not do it again.

Also why you did it reveals the person you are and he can not accept the character flaw if he does not know what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Poof (Apr 15, 2013)

You don't think the story makes sense? Welcome to my world, and I lived it all. None of it makes much of any sense to me either, but it happened. Not everyone is out to lie to you. Granted, most are, but there is a few here and there who aren't total jerks.

I'd say him leaving me not once but twice was a consequence of my actions. I lost his trust. I also lost my freedom, but you know what, that was a price I was more than willing to pay to be with him still.

As far as it goes, would I have believed a story like this if someone told me this 5 years ago? Yeah, I probably would have. 

Moving was a good thing. Much better job, better schools, it's everything we wanted for the family. We didn't have to move, we chose to move. Huge difference there.

As far as everything else you said, I agree with you... it's not anything I haven't said to myself at some point since all this happened.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Poof said:


> I'm sure. He 100% believes that I do in fact love him. He's told me that, he's told the MC that.
> 
> No doubts at all. He knows how I feel about him.


I doubt this Poof.

IMO, he thinks that you are trying to win him back and he was and is a loser in this relationship.

This also explains why he says he wants a D.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Poof, I suspect the reason why you had the PA was quite simply: because you wanted to.

The reason why you had the EA was also because you wanted to as well and the shared secret gave you are shared bond to be together.

I'm surprised however that the OM never made any more moves on you. Seems way out of character for a guy like him.

Then there is the fact that you let the OM continue to falsely act as a bf to your husband. In addition to your PA and EA that's gotta have really humiliated him.

I'm sorry to say that's think he's one of those guys that has tried to find his love for you, tried hard for his family, but in the end couldn't keep faking it.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

This looks like he was trying to stay for the kids and in hopes that you can change.What he got is you chalking it up to alcohol and just being like "I will never drink/do it again lets move on".

Alcohol didn't make you try to have sex with his friend and then have 1.5 month long EA.Only thing alcohol does is lowers your guard and gives you excuse to do things you already want to do(especially this 1.5 month EA).

I think he feels like you just want to rugsweep this,that he can never trust you again and has to be with you all the time if he wants to be sure nothing is going on.That you admitted to him only because his friend was telling everyone about it and being proud of it and if there weren't any rumors going around and getting to your H you probably wouldn't have admitted it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

You're wondering "why now?" 

I suspect a part of it may be the age of your youngest. It is far harder for a man to leave his 2 y/o kid than it is to divorce with an older kid. A big factor in your husband staying was the kids, no doubt. It drove him to try to work it out. All that he said was him really trying to accept it, because he knew that if he didn't, he wouldn't be able to be there for the kids.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let me start by saying to you---you have had a pretty good and non harsh ride thru here----there are a lot of cheaters who post, who get 2x4'd way worse than you are

You know its pretty ironic---how just tiny little things change the course of history---had you driven yourself, and insisted on driving yourself---we wouldn't be having this discussion------had you driven, you would have watched your alcohol intake---and you would not have been with the BF--------just out of curiosity---why didn't you insist, on driving yourself---you are/were a big girl---a grown woman as a matter of fact---why did you need to be chauffeured around

In all actuality---you blame the alcohol, but alcoholics know what they are doing---they know when to drive or not----and you stated you had maybe 2 drinks---2 drinks over the course of a few hours should not have destroyed you to the extent you are claiming---unless you have a tiny frame-------but even with alcohol----You had to know the repercussions of what you were about to let happen----or did the whole thing start at the party---and if it did----knowing you had a family to protect---why did you not shut things down then and there, instead of saying, hey I am hot for this---could it really be, you just wanted to taste some foreign spice??????

You see, what I have just written, that has been going thru your H, mind for the last 4 yrs------and now it looks like he just doesn't wanna deal with it any longer

Worse than all the rest tho---and you can say what ever you want to defend yourself---it doesn't matter---for 6 long months---you looked your h, in the eyes every night and said everything was good, so now you were cheating on him by Omission----that got blown apart, and became a known set of 6 months of lies,---by someone blabbing to your H----so next question is unless you put on a spectacle at the party, and others took notice---or BF talked, maybe while drunk---how would anyone else know what went on in that truck

Of course the topper is that you were gonna take your dirty dark little secret to the grave with you---so the "outing" did not come from you--

PUT ALL OF THE ABOVE TOGETHER----if this were reversed---WHAT WOULD YOU DO------I think you know full well, why your H left

The thing is you can say I was stupid, stupid, stupid---and I did the dumbest thing I will ever do---but your H doesn't think about that when he lies awake at 3 a m wondering what really went on in that truck, or when he sits alone at his desk at work--or as he drives to and from work by himself-----wondering why you couldn't have come to him immediately---and tried to rectify the wrong before it got any worse, and all the rest of everything that is triggering him.

His rational heart and mind now says to him---you didn't even have enuff faith in your H, to try and deal with this---instead you continued on with his BF for 6 more months, and confided in him-------But your H is wondering what really went on in those 6 months, what other possible physical things happened----see this is his sub conscious trying to fill in all the blanks------I E imagination running wild. You deceived him, dissed him manipulated him, and lied to him----his conscious and sub--conscious just don't wanna deal with it any more---so he has had enuff

There is really nothing you can do-------for your kids sake, stay a good mom, and try as best you can to take care of yourself---for your kids, still NEED THEIR MOTHER


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Let me start by saying to you---you have had a pretty good and non harsh ride thru here----there are a lot of cheaters who post, who get 2x4'd way worse than you are
> 
> You know its pretty ironic---how just tiny little things change the course of history---had you driven yourself, and insisted on driving yourself---we wouldn't be having this discussion------had you driven, you would have watched your alcohol intake---and you would not have been with the BF--------just out of curiosity---why didn't you insist, on driving yourself---you are/were a big girl---a grown woman as a matter of fact---why did you need to be chauffeured around
> 
> ...


:iagree: Even if nothing happened, the lack of candor means nothing said can be taken at face value. 

"If it happened once it must have happened again, what were they doing? She liked it the first time so she went back for more.." it escalates, the mind movies are never vanilla but hot, steamy and gratuitous. 

"She lied about it, why would she lie about it unless it did happen with that intensity, he visited my house and acted like nothing happened and they knew, maybe they were laughing at me, maybe they went to another room.."

You can admit to cheating after a while and expect things to resolve themselves through time but the mind is the most powerful tool a person has, you add betrayal to the mix you have a potent recipe for disaster because time may not heal the wound..it may actually make it worse.


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## OlderAndWiser (Apr 17, 2013)

Poof,

As you can see, this is my first post to TAM, but I have been "lurking" here for quite some time. I was in a similar situation as your H in that when my W had an EA, I sort of "rug swept" it. However, many years later, it hit me as if it had just occurred. I did not leave, but had many of the reactions your H is likely having and it caused a lot of tension between my W and I.

Since you asked for perspective on what your H's mindset may be, I'll share what my thoughts likely would have been.

To me, there are three separate pieces to this:
1) The after party "incident" as you call it
2) Your post incident EA, and
3) The fact that you waited months and then confessed only when you thought he had or would have soon have found out. 

In my mind, "1" would not be a deal breaker if I felt you were being honest with the details.

"2" could well be a deal breaker to me because your explanation that you had the EA out of guilt makes zero sense.You could have sought counsel with a relative, a friend, clergy, even a support hot line. ANYONE other than the OM! I would take this as that you indeed had an emotional attachment to the OM at the time of the "incident" and that the attachment grew over the next six weeks. That makes your explanation for "1" very weak. 

If there was a deal breaker for me, it would be "3". During that time, you allowed your H to socialize with the OM. That was cold. I would feel absolutely humiliated. This would be the one I'm not sure I could overcome.

You made a terrible decision on party night, but one that your marriage could survive. The EA and keeping it a secret until it was about to be exposed may have been the tipping point.

I hope for you that your H will still consider R, but if it were me, you'd have to come up with much better explanations for "2" and "3" before I would consider it.

I hope you can do that before its too late.

Good luck!


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