# his ex again



## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

Three years into our marriage my husbands x gave up her 2 kids and now I am their mom during the week while she gets them most weekends. This is best for her kids but not for mine and it is more challenging here, especially since she can't seem to send her kids cloths back, or get school supplies for them. And all that I can deal with but her drama is just too much. She keeps calling my husband and when I tell her to lose his number I get lectured on my parenting skills on and on. In January she started these other nasty comments that my H "was coming on to her" and yesterday when I called her to ask if she could bring the kids cloths back she started her lectures again and in that included that she "has been letting your husband in my bed" and "he likes to take my nightgowns off". My husband says he doesn't even like her anymore and that she is just saying that to get to me and to stop talking to her. I guess there is no way to know but from the way she smiles I know she is capable of it. looking around these web pages it looks like I am all alone in having to deal with an ex that's such a low life. They divorced after she left him for another guy and she has been through another one since but I guess is between men now. This is just too embarrassing to talk to anyone about. Now I get to ready her kids for school.


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## RealAffairHelp (Aug 20, 2014)

mom247 said:


> Three years into our marriage my husbands x gave up her 2 kids and now I am their mom during the week while she gets them most weekends. This is best for her kids but not for mine and it is more challenging here, especially since she can't seem to send her kids cloths back, or get school supplies for them. And all that I can deal with but her drama is just too much. *She keeps calling my husband and when I tell her to lose his number I get lectured on my parenting skills on and on*. In January she started these other nasty comments that my H "was coming on to her" and yesterday when I called her to ask if she could bring the kids cloths back she started her lectures again and in that included that she "has been letting your husband in my bed" and "he likes to take my nightgowns off". My husband says he doesn't even like her anymore and that she is just saying that to get to me and to stop talking to her. I guess there is no way to know but from the way she smiles I know she is capable of it. looking around these web pages it looks like I am all alone in having to deal with an ex that's such a low life. They divorced after she left him for another guy and she has been through another one since but I guess is between men now. This is just too embarrassing to talk to anyone about. Now I get to ready her kids for school.


She sounds bizarre but he can't lose her number. He has to remain in contact with her because she is the children's mother, for better or for worse. But he shouldn't be lecturing you as a diversion. The two of you need to come up with an actionable plan. Do you need to be in contact with her at all?

You are posting in the infidelity forum. Are you concerned there may be some truth to her claims?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sounds like she'd say anything just to hurt you...what a horrible woman.

she's a cheater, so she's a liar.

does your husband go over there? does your husband take the kids over there? if you have full custody, why?


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> sounds like she'd say anything just to hurt you...what a horrible woman.
> 
> she's a cheater, so she's a liar.
> 
> does your husband go over there? does your husband take the kids over there? if you have full custody, why?


you are so right and I am holding my tongue so me messages won't be deleted here but this is so upsetting. She just let him have them after her last guy... might as well anyway as they were here most of the time anyway. My husband was good with it because he doesn't have to give her money anymore. But she is supposed to drop the kids off after she had them but its mostly that my h has to go to her apartment both to drop off and pick up her kids. And you're right because ever sense she left me speechless with her "your husband has been coming on", now she always has something like that to say during our arguments about her not picking up the kids and sending cloths back. "___ has a fetish for panties", " a little longer kiss this time", words I'll never forget just like out of the blue when I thought we were talking about sending dirty closes back and instead of owning up to it something about sex. One thing that didn't add up was that she called me early morning after he had dropped the kids off there and she didn't say anything nor would respond so after a minute I hung up, called my h and my husband didn't answer his cell or office phone for an hour. When he finally did pick up he says he just dropped them off and went to work, there is just no way to know.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

RealAffairHelp said:


> She sounds bizarre but he can't lose her number. He has to remain in contact with her because she is the children's mother, for better or for worse. But he shouldn't be lecturing you as a diversion. The two of you need to come up with an actionable plan. Do you need to be in contact with her at all?
> 
> You are posting in the infidelity forum. Are you concerned there may be some truth to her claims?


She blew her calling privilege. He can call her, she doesn't need to call him. As long as she keeps sending dirty kids, dirty closes back she is going to hear from me. The way she smiles at me is really creepy and from the times when I had to drop them off I can say she doesn't wear much in the mornings, even when she knew it was me coming.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sounds like your H and his ex need to revist their parenting plan and put some strict boundaries in place. My ex and I are fairly amicable, but we still have strict boundaries. 
- We talk at a certain time on the same day every week. That's it, just the one talk. (Unless it's an emergency involving the kids)
- We don't see eachother during the hand off at visitation. Luckily my kids are older making this easy. For younger kids, I would do the pull into the driveway and call to let them know you are there technique.
- Discussions are only about kids or in our case the divorce as we are still in the process.

If she doesn't follow these rules, then he should ignore her. It will take some time and consistancy, but eventually she will catch on.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I wonder... What if he loses her number, and all communications go through you. That puts you in the power seat. Perhaps part of the new agreement, she cannot hold the children's things and clothes hostage or face no visitation for 30 days or until they are returned - or some type of feedback like that.

Seems like she's trying to move them back in, then H next...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You had better find out if your husband is lying to you. Saying there is no way to know iscall out. In fact I think you suspect something.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> You had better find out if your husband is lying to you. Saying there is no way to know iscall out. In fact I think you suspect something.


Well she called and said she is sorry, also thanked me for all the work I do for her kids. Sounded sad. Said that she would send send the cloths back that I bought. I asked if she had been taking him to bed as she has been saying and now she says no, but there was a pause there. I know there is opportunity on Saturday mornings when he drops them off because it's very early and she would be dressed, really mostly undressed so I guess that's where I get scared. So did she "let him" just to hurt me? Would he want that with her? I think with her, any guy would. But I am better, prettier and actually have a job and my husband is smart and we have fun in bed so I am just blocking out what she told me and hope it isn't true.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

Acoa said:


> Sounds like your H and his ex need to revist their parenting plan and put some strict boundaries in place. My ex and I are fairly amicable, but we still have strict boundaries.
> - We talk at a certain time on the same day every week. That's it, just the one talk. (Unless it's an emergency involving the kids)
> - We don't see eachother during the hand off at visitation. Luckily my kids are older making this easy. For younger kids, I would do the pull into the driveway and call to let them know you are there technique.
> - Discussions are only about kids or in our case the divorce as we are still in the process.
> ...


That sounds wonderful! I wish we could be that sane. So crazy to try to blend two families kids together. But we do have mostly good times. Crazy good times.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

Q tip said:


> I wonder... What if he loses her number, and all communications go through you. That puts you in the power seat. Perhaps part of the new agreement, she cannot hold the children's things and clothes hostage or face no visitation for 30 days or until they are returned - or some type of feedback like that.
> 
> Seems like she's trying to move them back in, then H next...


That's what I have been saying but she won't listen to me. Just talks over me and starts her lectures.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

What is the wording in the custody order? I ask because, unless it's stated otherwise in the order, most states presume that the receiving party is doing the travel for exchange. Meaning that if she wants them, she can come pick them up. If she's given up all but weekends I'd wager she'd start missing those too if she had the burden of pickup. Go with him when he goes to pick up the kids. This nips any question about that as an opportunity.

That aside, stop talking to her. You don't have to bring this on yourself. This is between them. She doesn't return clothing then you tell him. He sends a well worded, brief R3 to her regarding that. Remove the opportunity to create or perpetuate all the drama. 

Also, send them in some old clothes. They don't come back in those clothes, oh well. She can't send them back naked so if they go with old clothes they cant' downgrade too much. They don't need to bring clothes with them beyond a jacket. She's responsible to supply for them while they're there.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Is there a reason why your husband is not taking the lead in making sure that the kids have what they need from her home? Do you really need to interact with her at all? Have you and your husband sat down with a counselor and talked about these things? I am concerned because you have a blended family and you really emphasize "her kids" and "my kids". Not the best atmosphere for a healthy blended family. There are some good tools that could be helpful. One is a website called _Smart Stepfamilies_ and the other is a book titled _Co-Parenting Works!: Working Together To Help Your Children Thrive_ by Tammy Daughtry.

Blended families come with challenges uniquely their own. It can be exhausting and very trying on a marriage especially when there is a problematic ex-spouse. I am sorry for the heartache and stress. Remember one thing though, there is a reason you and your husband decided to get married. Do everything within your power to strengthen that relationship above everything else. A great marriage gives children a secure feeling which promotes greater emotional health. My thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think it is foolish to put your head in the sand like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since the children are now at your place most of the time and your H is not paying his exW child support, did he get the custody and child support agreement changed and filed with the court? If not then his exW sue him for all of the child support he has not paid her. It does not matter if there is a lose agreement between your H and his ex. The court order rules.

Your H’s exW is a vindictive woman. I can see her going after him down the road.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some things that you can change that will make a huge difference.

One is that the children should not be taking clothing back and forth between the two homes. Instead each parent needs to have what the kids need. So the children go to her place with only the cloths on their back. When they return to your place, they return with only the clothing on their back. Why is this huge, overblown exchange of clothing going on? Just put an end to it.

The parent who is children are going to needs to be the parent who drives. When the children are going to his ex’s house, she, the ex, comes and picks them up.

When your husband picks them up at her place, you go with him. That way she cannot play the ‘his sleeping with me game’.

From here on out only communicate with his exW via email and text. Cut down the phone calls to as close to zero as possible. 

And if I were you I would keep an eye open as there might be something going on between the two of them. He might have told her to shut up because you are becoming suspicious of them having an affair. So she retracted to keep you from looking into it further.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

This entire situation is out of control. You are far to engaged with this woman. Why is your husband not taking the lead on communication with her? You should never be speaking to her or texting with her unless there is a true emergency.

Your first reaction here may be to defend your husband..."He can't deal with her because he is too busy!" or "He can't put up with her because they always fight" or whatever crap excuse he feeds you for letting you do the dirty work.

I see this being one of two things:

A. He is sleeping with her and likely doesn't have any feelings for her but likes the no strings attached part. Sounds like he could have told her to stop telling you what was going on or he wouldn't spend time with her anymore. What else would explain her suddenly apologizing? Crazy people don't all the sudden feel guilty for how they've been acting!

B. He is lazy and let's you do the footwork with his ex because he knows you don't expect anything more from him.

If A is the situation then you need to shut your mouth and perk up your ears and eyes so you can gather evidence.

Either way you need to 100% stop communicating with her. DISENGAGE. Tell your husband TODAY that you will no longer have any communication with his ex for any reason. All discussion about drop off and pick up and clothes and supplies, etc needs to be between him and her. Tell him that it is HIS JOB to notify her asap that she is to cease all communication with you and that you will not respond to her communications whether it be by phone, text or email.

Then cut her off. He is getting over on you because he knows that you will take on more than what is your fair share in the relationship. What would he do if you were not in the picture and he was single? He would be forced to communicate with her. He should not be treating you as a replacement mommy who will handle all of the parenting, etc. but he is doing just that.

Why are you okay with this? I don't care if he works 60 hours a week and you are a SAHM. There is no reason for you to be the point of contact for his crazy ex.

Establish your boundaries and stick to them. You are not doing your marriage any favors by shielding your husband from his responsibilities.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Since the children are now at your place most of the time and your H is not paying his exW child support, did he get the custody and child support agreement changed and filed with the court? If not then his exW sue him for all of the child support he has not paid her. It does not matter if there is a lose agreement between your H and his ex. The court order rules.
> 
> Your H’s exW is a vindictive woman. I can see her going after him down the road.


Thanks for writing EleGirl, yes the legal things are finished. Our kids, his and mine seem to be rolling with everything well. And the rift isn't totally unmanageable with the kids cloths and all. Mainly I just worry that he stays there, that she has him those mornings. Mostly from how she told me and the way she acted when I brought the kids to her. Like she wanted me to see her and her apartment. This is 5am and it was too much, I just left.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

WolverineFan said:


> Is there a reason why your husband is not taking the lead in making sure that the kids have what they need from her home? Do you really need to interact with her at all? Have you and your husband sat down with a counselor and talked about these things? I am concerned because you have a blended family and you really emphasize "her kids" and "my kids". Not the best atmosphere for a healthy blended family. There are some good tools that could be helpful. One is a website called _Smart Stepfamilies_ and the other is a book titled _Co-Parenting Works!: Working Together To Help Your Children Thrive_ by Tammy Daughtry.
> 
> Blended families come with challenges uniquely their own. It can be exhausting and very trying on a marriage especially when there is a problematic ex-spouse. I am sorry for the heartache and stress. Remember one thing though, there is a reason you and your husband decided to get married. Do everything within your power to strengthen that relationship above everything else. A great marriage gives children a secure feeling which promotes greater emotional health. My thoughts and prayers are with you!


Like you say it is overwhelming and we are just constantly going 24 7. He doesn't stand up to her so I have to. We have been round and round for months and I don't want to be totally on his back all the time. I think (hope) that the clothing thing will get better now. I think he did talk to her, maybe that's where the "sorry I said all that" came from.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom247 said:


> Like you say it is overwhelming and we are just constantly going 24 7. He doesn't stand up to her so I have to. We have been round and round for months and I don't want to be totally on his back all the time. I think (hope) that the clothing thing will get better now. I think he did talk to her, maybe that's where the "sorry I said all that" came from.


You don't have to stand up to her. Your husband is the children's father. He's the one who has to deal with her. And people here have given you suggestions on how to minimize his contact with her.

The clothing problem should not even exist.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He won't stand up to her because he is bonking her.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

Malpheous said:


> What is the wording in the custody order? I ask because, unless it's stated otherwise in the order, most states presume that the receiving party is doing the travel for exchange. Meaning that if she wants them, she can come pick them up. If she's given up all but weekends I'd wager she'd start missing those too if she had the burden of pickup. Go with him when he goes to pick up the kids. This nips any question about that as an opportunity.
> 
> That aside, stop talking to her. You don't have to bring this on yourself. This is between them. She doesn't return clothing then you tell him. He sends a well worded, brief R3 to her regarding that. Remove the opportunity to create or perpetuate all the drama.
> 
> Also, send them in some old clothes. They don't come back in those clothes, oh well. She can't send them back naked so if they go with old clothes they cant' downgrade too much. They don't need to bring clothes with them beyond a jacket. She's responsible to supply for them while they're there.


She eat's the cloths, especially the socks! I'm starting to not care about the cloths so much as my husband is right they just grow out of them anyway. But really this isn't about the cloths anymore. I don't know if she just says those things because she knows she's wrong and wants to win. "We've been making out". What can I say? What does that mean making out? Just kissing? It sounds like high school!


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You don't have to stand up to her. Your husband is the children's father. He's the one who has to deal with her. And people here have given you suggestions on how to minimize his contact with her.
> 
> The clothing problem should not even exist.


Thank you for writing again EleGirl! He has told her! We have been over and over it. I hope that after this he!! week, and I did raise cain, not like what I type here, real cain like you can imagine! I really hope that the clothing problem will mostly go away. No I can't stand up to her she says things that I don't have answers for.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom247 said:


> Thank you for writing again EleGirl! He has told her! We have been over and over it. I hope that after this he!! week, and I did raise cain, not like what I type here, real cain like you can imagine! I really hope that the clothing problem will mostly go away. No I can't stand up to her she says things that I don't have answers for.


So you stop talking to her.

Are you still going to be sending extra sets of clothing with the children when they visit her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mom247 said:


> She eat's the cloths, especially the socks! I'm starting to not care about the cloths so much as my husband is right they just grow out of them anyway. But really this isn't about the cloths anymore. I don't know if she just says those things because she knows she's wrong and wants to win. "We've been making out". What can I say? What does that mean making out? Just kissing? It sounds like high school!


I don't think she's telling you that because that's what's going on. Now she said it's not true because he warned her to stop it.

It's fairly common for a woman who is sleeping with a man to harass his wife about it. 

Have you checked his phone bills? Is he calling and texting her a lot?


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There are some things that you can change that will make a huge difference.
> 
> One is that the children should not be taking clothing back and forth between the two homes. Instead each parent needs to have what the kids need. So the children go to her place with only the cloths on their back. When they return to your place, they return with only the clothing on their back. Why is this huge, overblown exchange of clothing going on? Just put an end to it.
> 
> ...


It's not the "pick up" so much because the kids I'm sure are fully engaged. It's the drop offs in the early mornings that I worry more because the kids just, I am guessing head right to bed there. It's been nothing but a big fight about the phone calls. She is the only thing we fight about.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So you stop talking to her.
> 
> Are you still going to be sending extra sets of clothing with the children when they visit her?


I'm sorry, just not that organized, at 5 and 7 they take their own stuff, not their new school cloths though that was the fight this week. It's got better tonight as she hadn't called at all today. I can't know if she calls him at work.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

My husband is great. Treats my kids nice and helps with the housework when he is off, wonderful lover, fun friend but I can't stand his ex and thats what we fight about again. 
I took everyones advice and hadn't talked to his ex at all but she just called but didn't say anything. This time I didn't waste any time cussing her and just asked if she had something to tell me and after a few moments she just hung up. It's not a mistaken dial shes this is like the third or forth time in as many months and always the mornings that he drops the kids off. My husband says that she is just wacko and that I did good to just hang up on her, that he just dropped them off went to get gas and strait to work. We do agree on one thing that his ex is bipolar. she was nice when earlier in the week then this strange call again and I just keep wondering. Our weekends are supposed to be our romantic times and I don't know if its because I am unset about her that is unromantic or of he just isn't into it as much anymore.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It wouldn't hurt to have someone follow him for a few weeks. Let things chill down and then check on him in a month for a month.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> It wouldn't hurt to have someone follow him for a few weeks. Let things chill down and then check on him in a month for a month.


I don't know why I would have someone follow him. I already know where he goes. He didn't get gas this morning, and even if he would have it wouldn't have taken him an hour to notice my messages and call me back.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sorry if I missed it, but how old are the kids? They can tell you if their dad hangs out too long or not.

Also, remember she lives a miserable life and you don't. So she lives to knock you down a peg or two. Don't give in to it anymore. 

For now I say support your husband unless you have better evidence.


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## mom247 (Aug 20, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Sorry if I missed it, but how old are the kids? They can tell you if their dad hangs out too long or not.
> 
> Also, remember she lives a miserable life and you don't. So she lives to knock you down a peg or two. Don't give in to it anymore.
> 
> For now I say support your husband unless you have better evidence.


I appreciate that positive view! Thank you, it does help me feel better about things!

I'm trying to not pin her kids down, to make them the middle of a big fight. Even that is another reason why its hard to communicate, when is a good time to say anything? When mine or his kids or around we don't, well we try not to talk negative about our exes. Mine is just junk and out of the picture and that's one thing I like about my husband is he is understanding for my kids and is even kind to them about it when the subject comes up about their biological father. I feel better today, we did have love this morning


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