# Cheated with a married woman and told HIM!!! Will she ever forgive me/love me again?



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

I"m not sure where to turn....I'd just like to get some feedback on what recently when down in my life. I've been seperated just under two years now and I'm going through a difficult divorce....anyway........Approximately 6 months ago I met a woman that, quite frankly, I had hoped I'd meet my entire life. She was beautiful, smart, exceptionally funny and we shared many common beliefs and values. The only issue.....and it was a BIG issue. She was/is married. Now, she lives in the midwest and the husband lives in Florida. They would see each other once every 2 or 3 months. She told me she was planning on leaving in a year as her youngest son will be a Senior in high school during 2009-10. She wanted to "see the marriage through" for the sake of the son for this additional year. However, when the year was complete she would end it for good. And we talked quite frequently about what our life would look like in the future. She made it clear to me that she had made her decision to leave long before she met me, so i shouldn't think that this was all happening due to our relationship.......In the interest of full disclosure...she hadn't been "in love" with her husband for many many years. In fact, approximately 6 years into what is currently a 20 year marriage she began a relationship with an NBA player that lasted for many many years. The NBA player was also married, so they carried on a relationship of convenience whenever it would fit into their schedules. I told her I understood. The fact is she got married when she was 23 to a man 15 years older than her and as she approached 30 she had 2 young children but was becoming a different woman than the child she was when she was 20 and met the husband. Her choice was to leave and raise the kids on her own or to stay, have her fun with the NBA player on occasion and provide what would look like a "normal" upbringing for her sons. I could have left at this point....but I didn't. I was falling quickly.

So.....another dynamic to mention. I live on the East Coast. I was only able to spend approximately 8 weekends with her over the 6 month period we were seeing each other. Those weekends were by far some of the most fun I'd had in my life. We totally vibed with each other. It was sooooo much fun. The only real argument we had was over the "former lover" NBA player who she insisted she should still be able to be "just friends" with. That's probably another discussion thread....

So.....we were having fun, we were telling each other how much we loved each other and we were talking/texting everyday, all day.

Then the trouble started.....some of it was definitely my fault. Because of the affair my wife had that led to the end of our marriage, getting cheated on by my long time HS/College girlfriend and the pain I still carried around due to my mother having an affair on my father I started to question her way too much. I became to intrucive and she is a very private person (private to the point that when I told her that I googled her name she got all upset about it -isn't google a way of life now? - another thread probably). After a disagreement we had I actually called her and texted her approximately 6 times and after she wouldn't pick up I used a caller ID bluffing system to get her on the phone. One time, after not being able to get in touch with her I called her home phone - blocked of course, but this still upset her as one of her sons still lived at home. I now understand that these two decisions cost me and led her to get a little nervous about the relationship. I apologized profusely in both cases and thought we had moved beyond them. However, after she suddenly cancelled one of our visits I became suspicious of her motives to suddenly cancel. She told me her husband was going to be flying into town at the same time I was supposed to....so.....she called just before she was supposed to pick him up. I could tell that she wasn't in her car and she could tell that I could tell she was lying. I questioned her later about it and she went off....she said, "that's it...I'm done!" and went on to tell me that accusing her of lying is the worst thing I could do...trying to make me feel guilty. Well, I knew she wasn't there because when her husband was supposed to be in the air, I spoof called his phone and he picked up. no way he could have picked up from 20000 feet! 

So I tried to sleep on it that night....I was boiling...she lied to me about where he was.....I believed she had lied to me about other things - I found out I was right about that too....so the next day.....and I will regret doing this forever, I called HIM. It wasn't about the one lie though. That's what I'm clearly realizing now. It was a meltdown from years of betrayal from women and it led me to the point of changing her world....now I feel AWFUL. He went and told my boss about what happened. My boss already knew I was having a relationship with her, so the shock to him wasn't so bad...I think he thought that they were seperated already. After things were revealed we spent the entire night on Fri night talking. We didn't hang up the phone until 7:30 in the morning. we've since had a few brief discussions, but are now under a 2 weeks to cool off agreement. She told me several times after the shock of it all that she didn't love me anymore...At the conclusion of our last discussion she admitted to me that she loved me too. So..... #1 thank you for reading my mini book, if you hung in there this long. #2 Do you think once you've done what I've done that we'll ever be able to have the relationship we planned on having? Is there any coming back from this? I love her will all my heart and did something I never dreamed I would do.....let me know what you think please.

Thanks in advance for your comments....


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I dont even know where to begin. 1.) You dont have a relationship with a married woman. Ever. Under any circumstances. If she is still married, hands off. 2.) Spoofing phones? Changing called from numbers? You come across as a stalker. Normal people dont do that stuff. Weirdo stalkers however, do. 3.) Calling her husband to tell him because your mad at her? Dude, honestly, if she was smart she'd never talk to you again. Matter of fact after all this stalkery activity and the way you handle rejection...if I was her I'd move.


Seriously, Im freaked out and I dont even know you. 




John


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

John,

that's why I wrote...thanks for the feedback.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Stop messing with married women. It is not right, no matter what BS they feed to you.

And I agree, you're efforts to contact her are wierding me out.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

well....I normally don't mess with married women....I "messed" with one marriage woman.....and honestly, she is so beautiful, smart, and funny that it's hard to stop thinking about her. I just keeping listening to that John Mayer song: "Sleeping with a broken heart" 

I guess when isolated and mentioned in this forum the spoof call is a little creapy.....It was one call and I thought it'd be funny. I actually picked the phone number of one of her favorite places to hang out.....but you're right....I'll never do that again.

BTW...to provide a little further context...I'm in my late 30's and she's in her early 40's. Her boys are just about grown - 17 & 19.

I want you to know, Michzz & Nothingman...I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. I just wonder if there's anyone out there who did the same thing I did? I wonder if anyone made the mistake of calling the husband before? If so, how'd you deal with the regret if you still love the woman? Can you ever get her to trust you again? My marriage has been over for awhile - it's strictly a paper marriage. She checked out of hers years ago and now has to deal with the exposure of her feelings....but will she ever be back?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dude...walk away. Now! No more contact. Period. This is a BAD situation. Go find someone else. Please, for your own sanity. This cannot have a good resolution. LEAVE! LEAVE! NOW!

I DO know what it's like to be lied to and you don't want to go through this! Get out, now!


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

It's so easy to say walk away.....this morning it took a tremendous amount of discipline to not call her. I'm worried about her and I'm still in love with her!!! 

This is the worst..........


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

To me, infidelity is a marriage deal breaker.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

You've had tons of women in your life hurt you by having affairs so why on earth are you in love with a woman that is having an affair on her husband with you?!?!? Think about it- she's done it to her husband before- she'll do it to you even if you do work things out with her. Find someone that doesn't have affairs and stop all the drama fighting for someone elses wife.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Are you in love with her, or obsessed with her? By obsessed, I mean more on the Infatuated side. Despite all your phone calls with her and the 8 weeks you've spent with her. You really don't know her. You've only seen the sides of her that she's wanted you to see.

She's cheated on her husband and lied to him for years. Why would you think she'd do anything less with you? She cheated with you and lied to you.

Although I think your motives for calling her husband were wrong. He had a right to know. 

I have a friend who against her better judgement, became involved with a married man. He told her that he didn't love his wife, was just married to her because they owned a business together, which would be destroyed with a divorce. The wife had health issues and he felt he couldn't leave her because of that, too. He kept telling my friend that he was planning on leaving his wife in a year. When her health was better and he could get the business sorted out. He said he loved my friend, she was his soul mate.

She fell for it hook, line, and sinker. It took her a year to get over the heartbreak when she found out that he'd just been playing her.

You got played. You called her husband and spoiled her little game. She may see you again, but what makes you think she thinks of you any differently than her NBA player?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She has justified cheating in her marriage. You say you've been cheated on multiple times, why on Earth would you be talking of future plans with a woman that is highly likely to cheat on you?

She's cheated for years and for whatever reason justifies it so when the butterflies wear off with the two of you, it would not be a big leap for her to find some passion on the side with someone else.


----------



## mrs. lady (Aug 20, 2009)

Wow, just wow. 

She may not have been on her best behavior but you can only be responsible for your own actions. It seems to me you made some very bad choices. 1) You were sleeping with a with a married woman 2) you become extremely obsessed and possessive of a woman you know is MARRIED! 3) you're upset that this woman is lying when you know damn well shes a LAIR she lies to her husband every day. If they'll do it with you they'll do it to you. 4) you get upset with this woman you "love" and to get back at her ruin the life she has made with her husband that she has worked on for 20 years! You call that love!? That's revenge clear and simple. 

The fact that this woman hasn't run screaming for the hills only proves that she is as massively ***ed in the head as you are and you probably deserve each other.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

HERE's YOUR SIGN!!!!!

:iagree:


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

wow! Seek counseling.....well, honestly, I spoke with a counselor for a little while after it was revealed that my wife cheated on me. for the most part, it didn't seem to help. The sad conclusion that I'm starting to come up with is that the majority of people cheat and/or lie. The problem I'm having is that I can't seem to fully except that when it applies to me personally. What I mean by that is this.....I've excepted that there is no utopia when it comes to a relationship, HOWEVER, once I'm in a relationship I strive for perfection and that's were the "obsessive" part comes in. I clearly need to work on that part.

As for the repeated judgements regarding the woman in this situation. Life is never as black and white as we want it to be. My idealistic side (which is the side that called and told the husband) thinks that she should have ended it a long time ago and let him have a shot at being with someone who was really in love with him. My practical side (which is the side that feels really guilty right now) believes that it was about something bigger than the both of them. It was about making things seem as normal as possible for their two children while they carried on a loveless marriage. Honestly, my parents stuck it out for me and I appreciate the sacrifice they made. I have no idea whether or not they carried on secret lives on the side that I know nothing about, but I do know that after my mother was caught with her indescretion things were never the same between the two of them (they weren't all they great to begin with)

So.......here's the truth. I did love my wife, but we grew apart and she betrayed me. Even though I'm willing to forgive her we are just not going to be able to work things out. The "paper marriage" will be done soon.

I'm very liberal when it comes to many things in life and I don't believe that because a woman's first marriage is flawed it will automatically result in the 2nd marriage being flawed as well. She didn't HAVE to tell me about the NBA guy (who, btw IS married and that's why they never got together. true they had a love affair - but it was one of convenience - one other side note about that - the NBA player in question is one of the all time greats and it has been widely reported that he's a great family man - he and his wife are almost like the Will Smith and Jada Pinkett of the NBA). My point is.....YOU NEVER KNOW. If a woman tells you she cheated or if a woman tells you she's never cheated in her life....you NEVER KNOW! So.....that's why I allowed myself to fall in love with her. During the times were spent together I'd never laughed so much in my life. What a great sense of humor. She also is very very smart and beautiful. It's a tough combination to pass up. I totally get how you readers are cynical about her. If a friend told me about there relationship starting the way ours did I'd probably offer the same advice to them as you guys/gals are to me. RUN!!! But, I'm not running. I'm just hoping she forgives me for selling her out. 

Is there anyone who knows anyone who's been in the same position I'm in? Does the other woman or man ever tell and end up with their affair partner?


----------



## mrs. lady (Aug 20, 2009)

You trying to justify your actions with self aggrandizing statements about how your idealism, moral integrity and how you were doing this for her and her children is pretty pathetic. As the child of a marriage that suffered because the details of your parents indiscretions came to light you should no doubt be more sensitive to the impact your exposing this would have on them. But I guess you didn't care. It was absolutely none of your business and you had no right to go in and ruin the lives of this woman, her husband and her children just because you were having a temper tantrum after she broke up with you.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Bad bad bad...this is all bad.

Both parties still married...CHECK
Infidelity...CHECK
Living in separate states...CHECK
Trust issues...CHECK
Complete stalker type actions...CHECK
Jealousy of things/people that aren't really there...CHECK
Insecurity issues...CHECK

Get away, get far away from this relationship. You need to see a counselor about your insecurity/jealousy issues. Some are obviously a result of your ex-wife and ex-GF and mom cheating on you/your dad, but you still need to see a counselor over them no matter the cause.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

.........and what on earth could a counselor tell me? seriously.....that people are basically good, even though the divorce rate is well above 50%....that most women don't lie, even though I see several married women say and do things that are not so in line with their vows.


----------



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Perhaps the divorce rate is so high because there are men like you who are willing to be involved with married women? Make an attempt at being an actual, real man. Instead of just another human who happens to have a penis.




John


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

tattletale, I think you need to work on yourself before you get involved with anyone else


----------



## euphoria (May 31, 2009)

good screenname though, lol


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Tattletail, I've got a thread on here about being dumped. I was in a 3+ year relationship with what I thought was the true love of my life. I was lied to the entire time. Cheated on twice. She finally ended it 4 weeks before marrying a guy for his money. 

If you're looking for support here, you're not going to get it. Nor sympathy. You will get good advice but it's up to you to decide to use it. 

If you truly feel as you've described yourself...all I can offer is that I'm sorry for the hurt and pain you will go through. 

Every "rule" has an exception. Maybe, just maybe, you and her will prove to be that exception. But my money is on the bet that you will be back posting a sob story.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

dcrim - thanks for at least being the one person with a slightly positive outlook. Our relationship just ended, I've had trouble sleeping and eating....it's been a tough go of it. I know the odds are against us. We have been texting a little over the past couple of days....nothing serious, just texting, but it's nice to be in contact. In a different set of circumstances i know we would have been perfect for each other. However, I'm aware that the circumstances are what they are and the odds are, as you said, I'll be on this board "posting a sob story."

euphoria - that's way easier said than done. People say that all the time..."why don't you just take a little time to be alone?" I'm willing to bet you that two of the top ten pay to play sites on the net are match and eharmony. People want to be in relationships with other people....There's a strong natural drive there for most. Sometimes you can totally withdraw from society and not want one, but I'm not even close to that state yet....I will, however, admit that I'm having some real trust issues....This situation didn't do much to help it.....thank you for your post.

nothingman - Hey John....think outside the box a little. Not everything always goes down like it does in a hollywood flick or a Hallmark card!!!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes your heart is broken. I would follow through and get out why I could.

She is far away from you and you don't really know her as well as you think you do. There is NO way the spending an nonconsecutive 8 weeks is going to tell you much about the persons real personality. During that time...it always a "honeymoon." 

You need a break..the kind of behavior that you mentioned is too much! Take a breather settle things legally between you and your wife. Then...pickup when this woman gets a divorce herself. What is (1) year afterall? I know a lifetime right....

There is no UTOPIA in life or in relationships. It takes a good deal of work work work work....no substitute.

Counseling can help if you allow it to. It takes time and is a process. A good counselor will guide you through the process. They aren't going to "tell" you to stay or go with the girlfriend. You will need to take a good hard look at yourself and find the answers that are there already. However, the answers at this point are covered by your emotions.


----------



## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

Tattle, you like myself need to seek counseling. You might want to consider your behavior before approaching another relationship. I know you are hurting, but it will get better. She told you she did not love you, accept it and and move forward. You have traits of an obsessed addict. Check out- Love Addicts Anonymous. Good Luck!


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Corpuswife - Thanks for your perspective....it's so hard to just let things sit, but sometimes that's the best option. I'm hoping that one day we can pick up the "honeymoon" and see how long it lasts if there are no major distractions....I'm telling you, when I think about the relationship, there were times where it was like in a feel good movie (then of course the ending was like a Friday the 13th movie!!  )

fallnbride - I may take the advice to get counseling...I just had a couple of bad experiences in the past. Didn't see how it helped. Perhaps I just wasn't open to letting it help.

Overall.....thank you to everyone who has posted. This is actually therapeutic for me. I'm learning alot and because of the anonymous nature of the forum I feel like I can tell the whole truth and I'm getting truths from you posters. Thanks!!!


----------



## fallnbride (Aug 22, 2009)

tattle, I have had counseling in the past and Im not at all fond of it, as a matter of fact I put off getting an appt. everyday. I have to do this or else Im doomed. The 12 twelve step program used by Love Addicts Anonymous would have to be helfpul if one could devote themself to doing it. Im new at this forum and its a great inspiration, even when its not what you want to hear.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

ok....so today was a rough day....it's been a week now since we've spoken. We decided not to talk for 2 weeks, and I thought it'd be easy...but it's very difficult. 

"It's been 7 hours and 15 days....since you took your love away.....I go out every night and sleep all day....since you took your love away" - Prince

anyway.....I broke down and called the counselor I used to see last year about an hour ago....sorta figures that she went on vacation today and won't be back until mid sept!


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tattletail said:


> #2 Do you think once you've done what I've done that we'll ever be able to have the relationship we planned on having?


Why on earth would you want to??? :scratchhead:

She is a liar and a cheat. She's lied and cheated on her husband. She had a ten year affair. And do you really think she wasn't banging Mr. NBA and you at the same time? How many others? She’s a real piece of work. Love her or not, bail and find a nice UNMARRIED woman. This one is trouble start to finish.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

tattletail said:


> .........and what on earth could a counselor tell me? seriously.....that people are basically good, even though the divorce rate is well above 50%....that most women don't lie, even though I see several married women say and do things that are not so in line with their vows.


The counselor would help you address your blind spots regarding your behavior. Get you to see a self destructive part of you tht is also damaging to others--for one.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Well, we talked today.....she did tell me that she loves me and we have both admitted to each other that it's not a good idea for us to be together in the immediate future. Our paths may cross again someday, but when that day comes we both need to go through some healing and we both need to get our sh-- in order emotionally.....Our talk lasted around 3 hours. It's very difficult to say goodbye...and some real tears were shed during the call, however, I know in my heart that not communicating for awhile and working on healing is what is best.

Thanks to those who commented on this....I'm sure I'll be back posting on here in the future, but for now I think I'm going to let this go too.......for those of you that think her and I could never be together and that she's not a special person in the world....you never met her....if we were all judged by our weakest moments we'd all be in serious trouble and nobody would be worthy of love.


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

tattletail said:


> ...if we were all judged by our weakest moments we'd all be in serious trouble and nobody would be worthy of love.


Nicely put.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Thank you junebug


----------



## sidlyd (Aug 21, 2009)

There are way too many trust issues in this relationship. I honestly don't see you two together in the future, especially when you don't even stop to think of the consequences an angry phone call can make.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

ok...here's an update.....I still love her.

The sleepless nights are winding down, food is starting to settle much easier, the impulse to call/text is under control....but it's become clear to me that I still love her.....

I hope in time, when the dust clears we can find something right out of something that started so wrong.....It is real.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

well, today I spoke with her for 2 hours....I still love her.

It's painful to hear some of the stories of the "fallout" that has taken place. Although I wanted her to "live in truth," it just wasn't for me to tell.....I now feel bad. Anyone who reads this, think twice before you do something extreme when you're dreaming with a broken heart....I will never forget this life lesson.

Anyway.........I miss her and love her sooooo much. Wish I wouldn't have done what I did.


----------



## losing it (Sep 15, 2009)

If you really love her how could you do what you did? Who needs that kind of love.

As for perfection, there is no such thing.

You'll never trust her and you can take that to the bank so the relationship is doomed from the start and you can take that to the bank also!

You speak of her beauty. What if she were in a accident and lost her beauty? Do you think you'd still love her if her face were disfigured? Would you still love her if she were in a wheel chair and you had to take care of her? Something like that is the true test of love!

As for all the fun, do you think it'll always be that much fun? Wait till reality sets in and you'll be right back where you started with your soon to be ex wife.

Wake up and smell the skunk.:scratchhead:


----------



## Jake (Sep 16, 2009)

The pain you feel from all that you have witnessed with your parents problems with their marriage, and from the cheating your girlfriends did to you, and later your wife is very real, and deeply seated in your psyche. Surely you see the pattern in your life. Subconsciously, we tend to seek out a relationship that surrounds us with what we are familiar with (for better or worse), and sabotage good relationships by provoking reactions from our mates and mold them into a reality we are familiar with due (see the book Fear of Intimacy, by Firestone).

It is not healthy for you to be with this woman. Yes, the pain and longing you feel over her is real, but it doesn't mean that you two are supposed to be together, or even should be together. Pain is a natural part of the cycle of relationships. Accept that, and it will be easier to move on (not easy, but easier). When you are feeling sad, just focus in on that pain, cry, but recognize it as just a thought your mind is having. It's okay to fell that way. You mind will have lots of thoughts, and that is the natural state of your brain. That is what it does. Just sit back and recognize that your brain is having these thoughts. Don't judge the thoughts as good or bad...no such thing. Just watch them flow through your mind. This will calm you.

Now, back to the girl. Leave her. What you had is not love because you chose to get back at her by calling her husband. If you loved her, you would have recognized your pain in not being able to have her, and you would have hope that she could somehow find happiness in her life, even if that meant it would be without you. You would just hold on to the good times you had, but kept in mind that it couldn't work unless she would go get counseling and do a heck of a lot of work on herself before being with you. As it is now, it would not matter because you have done things to each other that no doubt would arise again in arguments if you were to be with her in the future. You are rationalizing her behavior, but the fact is she is duplicitous with her husband, and with you, and her pattern is she would do that again in the future. You think all women cheat, but I don't think that is true at all. Yes, lots do, but not all. Many women are true to their mates, and much to a woman's surprise, many, many men are true to their mates too.

To heal your mind and heart, you need to have extended counseling and revisit those hurts, and determine why you keep getting together with women who cheat on you. You have to get yourself better, and that will take some work, but I think you will find it very satisfying. Do not seek a relationship until you have done this. Instead, ask yourself why you feel the strong need to have a relationship so desperately, but more so acknowledge this drive and understand that it is easy to take up with the wrong person, even if they seem like the right person. Be mindful of all these things, and it life will become more clear, and easier.

So end it with this woman. Write her a letter, and be done with it for the better of you both.

Read some books on meditation. Read the Fear of Intimacy book. Read lots of books. You will begin to understand yourself better, and that will make you a better person for your future mate, and you will be happier with yourself too. Do the things in life that bring you happiness, but don't get involved in a relationship until you have done the things I mentioned.

Good luck.
Jake


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Jake and Losing It thank you for your responses....especially Jake. Very well thought out !! Although I don't agree with everything you had to say, Jake, much of it made sense. It's so "simple" what should be done in this case, but that doesn't make it EASY!!! I will continue to rise everyday and take this on....there was a time a few weeks ago that just getting up was difficult.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

I'm thinking about sending her a link to this discussion....perhaps we could both learn from some of the comments the readers have left. What are your thoughts? 

Honestly....I just can't get this woman out of my mind. It's crazy!!! I try to but then a song comes on or someone mentions something that reminds me of her....UGH!!!


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

When you get some perspective, which can only develop over time and by going no contact with her (she's married. She is out of bounds.) you'll see that what you love so much is seriously flawed for a number of reasons :

1. It is easier to love what isn't yours and you can't really have than it is to love and live with what is yours and you can have.

2. The kind of woman that cheats on her husband with you is just the kind of woman who will cheat on you when it suits her.

3. The kind of man that being involved with her made you isn't the kind of man that you truly want to be.

Stay busy. Be with friends. Cry when you need to. But cut her off. The longer you maintain contact the harder it will be for you in the long run. It'll take you so much longer to heal.

Past that, she needs to sort out her marriage without any further interference or influence from you. You have no business being involved with her in any way.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

why does love hurt so much? Why is it so easy to give advice and so hard to take it? Why am I struggling to even wake up in the morning?

I do love Michelle.....I love her with all my heart. I'm not sure how much more I can go on....."When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part!"


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Hopefully, eventually, you won't see this as love. What it really is, is a means for you to punish yourself. You chose a woman that was never truly accessible in the first place. After having been lied to and cheated on, you chose to try and build something with a liar and a cheater that you had limited access to. _You_ believed that she was a liar and a cheater based upon the actions you took.

I don't expect you to see it now - but without question, undoubtedly, there was no happy ending in this equation. Both your behavior, and her behavior would have assured that. 

This was never a healthy relationship. It was never going to be what you imagined - but it seems that you are unable to let go of that image.

I hope that you are able to move on, or if you can't - get help so that you can.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

How would I not be able to "see" this as love when I know what I "FEEL." I'm almost 40, so it's not like this is some teen-like emotion......I am in love with someone i can't have right now and it's literally killing me. I wish I had some answers and not so many questions.

The following was written with a different intention, but it's applicable to my life. She was my "dream" girl....with all her flaws, she was still what I was looking for and I've never been happier than the times that I was with her.

*What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up 
like a raisin in the sun? 
Or fester like a sore-- 
And then run? 
Does it stink like rotten meat? 
Or crust and sugar over-- 
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?*


----------



## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

Having read the whole thread just now, I can feel your pain. I have not been there, but I did have a relationship that was not good for me, too.

It honestly becomes and addiction, and I think while we are in it, it is difficult to see it for what it is.

I hear you...you love her. But you also only spent eight weeks with her. And this is during a period where your own marriage is breakup up causing you to feel lonely and vulnerable.

For you right now...even if this was a woman who was good for you (meaning wasn't married and hadn't cheated during much of her marriage), then I would give this advice, too. Do not get serious with anyone now. You need to straighten up the baggage from your marriage and divorce first.

Now to her...much as you hate to hear this, you are with her because she needed someone to fill in the void left by her husband. Even though she is married, she still is lonely. And you seem to pass over it like it is no big deal, but she has cheated for most of her marriage. While she only mentioned the NBA player, there may be more. My guess is that this player is still a player in her life. If she had said that there were others during her marriage besides him, then you would have considered her more of a cheat...I hope. So mentioning one puts you at ease.

For your own sake, let this one go at the minimum until you know she has been divorced for a bit.

And as for your behavior, I don't consider it stalkerish because I think the motivation was your real brain realizing that she could not be trusted. You sought confirmation of your fears. You got what you expected...she lies and cheats.

Much as you think you love her, I think it is an infatuation and lust. It is the feelings that are created from the affair and meetings. Of course, you click....that is why you had an affair. BUT...this in no way means you are compatible for a long term relationship.

BTW, yes, even at almost forty, you CAN have teenage infatuations. Adults do get the same giddiness and excitement. 

Please move on. I think many reading this will agree....if you do not, then you will be starting more threads about her in the future.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

oh no...this will be my LAST thread. I'm tired of feeling this way. I wake up every morning feeling the loss and betrayal of my wife, the hurt and pain of losing M and the shame of telling her husband what occurred.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

......or does it explode?


----------



## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Time to move on...you have too. Any movement in the same direction will only cause more hurt/pain to you and this woman you love. 

It will hurt, it sucks, but you have to be the strong one...take her word for it...that it is over, and move on. Deal with your issues, you life...and fix things with you before looking for someone else.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's better to break it off now...then down the line when she figures it's too risky or difficult or too emotional to leave her H?

You can be "in love" no problem. It hurts to be without the person you long for and the moment you can't have them makes it even worse. There absence reminds you of the things you miss...the positive things. That is all you can see right now. It's normal and fine. It's JUST not the right time. 

Start something new in your life or continue what you've been doing. Allow yourself to be OPEN to new experiences again. Time and activity will help you heal.

It's not the right time or the right thing to do...you already know this.

By the way...I am 44 years old and have never cheated in my entired life! There are people that don't cheat and lie.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Thanks to all of you who posted....I feel like I"m getting over the hump now. I can finally wake up and not immediately look at my cell phone hoping that I received a text from her. And finally i can go to bed at night, close my eyes and the last thought of my day isn't about her.

I still think about her often, but it's much more, well, SANE! 

The truth is though....if she called me tomorrow I'd probably be right back in it. That's how much I loved her.....all the lies, all the things wrong with the relationship from the beginning and I still love her. That's the crazy part about life! HOWEVER, I'm dealing with the harsh reality that we can't be together now. So....I'm headed in the right direction.


----------



## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> She's cheated on her husband and lied to him for years. Why would you think she'd do anything less with you?


I'm sorry, but that, to me, is a bunch of bull. I hear that too often and it just doesn't fly. To believe this is to believe that everyone who ever cheated is doomed to a life of infidelity.
Sure, it is possible for her to cheat on every spouse/boyfriend from here until her deathbed, but it is not set in stone.
So throw all that garbage out the window. No one knows the future.

Having said that, I have serious concerns about her based on what you've said. The NBA player friendship throws up a whole bunch of flags for me. So does your efforts to contact her. Is she trying to contact you with the same degree of desperation??

I have to tell you that I am in a similar situation. I got involved with someone from my past and we are both married. It wasnt supposed to happen, but it did. As corny as it sounds, she completes me in a way my wife never even came close to. She made me realize what my marriage was missing. 

But having children involved, we both decided to take a break from each other and try to work out our marriages. --But admittedly, this only happened AFTER her hubby found her emails and read them all. 

So, No, I never called him, but HE called ME. ...at my home and my wife answered. But luckily for me she just said he had the wrong number. When she wasn't around I man'd up and called him back. 

While he was lecturing me on the phone I couldnt help but thinking that I could end their marriage right then and there. He knew we had met, but he thought we had only kissed once and in reality, we had met 3 times and things were more serious than he realized. All I really had to do was tell him a few details and I know he would have left her. But I couldn't do that to her.
You see, as much as he has the right to know, it is up to HER to tell him, not me. ..and furthermore, if you really love this woman as I love the woman in my story, then you will agree that the best outcome would be for her to be happy.

-not for YOU to be happy - or even for you to be together - but for HER to be happy. and if that includes being together, then great, but she has to make that leap herself.

So now I feel similar to how you must feel. I'm dying to call her, and I know she is dying to call me, but I refrain. I know it isn't easy to just move on, believe me - - I KNOW - - but it's what you have to do. 
Just keep in mind that you don't have to do it overnight. 
Think about her today, but think about her a little bit LESS tomorrow. The way you do that is to focus on something else. ..distract yourself with something.

I wish you luck in your future relationships. Here's hoping you find someone equally as amazing, but without so much baggage.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

Thanks Meriter!!! It's easier said than done....getting over her.....however, slowly but surely I'm able to get through days without thinking so much about her.

It really is "one day at a time" though!


----------



## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

--Glad I could help a little.


----------



## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

tattletail said:


> ... In fact, approximately 6 years into what is currently a 20 year marriage she began a relationship with an NBA player that lasted for many many years. The NBA player was also married, so they carried on a relationship of convenience whenever it would fit into their schedules. I told her I understood.


I hope you also "understand" when, a few years into your marriage to this paragon of virtue, she asks you if its OK for her to bang a quarterback because you just don't "measure up".

She sounds so reasonable. Kind of like you.


----------



## tattletail (Aug 20, 2009)

still think about her a lot....ugh!


----------



## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

hahaha I'm having the same problem.

Guess it's a longer process than we thought


----------



## Gwendoline (Jan 23, 2010)

Buddy; this is only going to end in a broken heart...yours. You aren't ready to be in a relationship because you cant trust, you aren't content in yourself so you can not be there for someone else, let alone someone who already has someone else! I know you think you are in love, but you are in infatuation. As long as you have residual issues of your own (and you do by your own admission), you are just going to keep ruining any relationship you become involved in. I wont tell you to end it with the other woman, because you wont. You cant. You think you have something special and are in love. I could tell you what you have is not based on anything substantial, it is not a real relationship; but you'll make excuses and think you know better. I am certain you are going to get your heart broken because you have no sense of reality. This other woman can not make a life with you after what has happened, and you can not make a life with her. Between you both you have lied, mistrusted, cheated, betrayed and argued; and currently you only see each other on weekends! This is not a relationship; relationships are much better than what you have. As amazing and beautiful and interesting as she might be, its not going to last. be prepared. You need to concentrate on finding something more fulfilling and satisfying in the future, once you have spent some time working on yourself..


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Have you ever seen the movie "Body Heat"? If not, I highly recommend it. If that doesn't scare you away from being involved with a married woman, nothing will.


----------



## AMOR (Feb 7, 2010)

Um.... speechless.... you kinda scare me..... You have some issues within yourself you need to work on before you can truly have a great relationship with anyone. And if you were to get to the point where you were ready for a relationship.... she WOULD NOT be the one. She's a cheater.......... Your issues stem from cheating......... so yeah that makes no sense. If you all were to work things out.... eventually she'd cheat on you too......


----------



## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

AMOR said:


> If you all were to work things out.... eventually she'd cheat on you too......


You obviously missed my previous post on this.
Using your logic, does that then mean that everyone who EVER cheated was doomed to a life of cheating until they died?

No one has ever just cheated ONCE and learned from it?


----------



## FinallyFree53 (Jun 4, 2011)

tattletail
MAN! After reading your post, it was almost like looking in the mirror! I too did something similar. WOW! I too was in a relationship with a married woman that lied, cheated, lied & cheated some more. However, I didnt realize all this was happening until I busted her myself. Then it all made sense. We met at a time when we both were having marriage problems at home. When we met, there was an instant connection. We had a lot of fun together too! We competed in triathlons together, went camping, worked out together, met for coffee and breakfast everyday on so on.... She told me she loved me and I was very special to her. I really thought I loved her too. I do however miss the friendship we developed. But looking back, friends dont lie to you. I admit and accept responsibility for my actions. I feel better after doing that. I felt like I wanted to die after I caught her. She made me feel like she was a victim and in an abusive relationship. She really had me going.

This is still fairly new but Im doing better. Up until the day I caught her, everything was fine except for her telling me that she didnt feel she needed to see or talk to me everyday. This raised questions and like you, I questioned too much when it sounded suspicious. And believe me, there were plenty of suspicions. 

The night I caught her, we were suppose to meet at the gym. She didnt make it. At 9pm when I was leaving, I noticed her vehicle traveling on the road so I got curious. I followed her to a little bar where I found her with another guy. Like you, I let my emotions take control of me and made a seen. I took a picture of them together and really didnt plan on doing anything else. However, I contacted a good friend of mine that is a private investigator who investigates infidelity cases. She convinced me to email her the pic so I did. The next thing I know, Im receiving a call from her husband asking questions. He wanted to know about the pic and where she was. The only thing I told him was where she was hanging out. Furthermore, I never exposed our relationship and explained to him that his wife and I were only friends. He expressed to me that he wasnt aware of any marriage issues. Just the same ole thing that all marriages go through. I then began to feel terrible and realized she was lying about the abuse she was supposedly going through. A LIAR AND A CHEAT! This doesnt excuse my behavior. 

I too feel bad about what I did and wanted to hear from her. I did send her a few emails and text but she has never responded. Meeting her has destroyed my family, job, personal life and much more. I am finally getting back to where I need to be but had to accept a job 3 hours away from my family to deal with this mess. 

I have been going to the 12 step love, sex, & relationship addiction program and suggest you do the same. Im very sorry for doing what I did but whats done is done. I forgive myself and accept full responsibility for this. As a matter of fact, I dont want to hear from her. I changed my phone number and blocked all email. I made a terrible mistake and was manipulated by someone that appeared to me what I was really looking for my entire life. Unlike your deal, I spent almost everyday with her. We had a very strong connection. But you need to learn, these connections get infected and toxic. I have 3 small children and I allowed her to take very special times away that couldve been spent with them. I totally regret getting involved with her. I wasnt who I needed to be because like you, I became possessive. That is not a good trait to have. I cant blame her but only myself.

So please! Please! Do not listen to this woman. Im not perfect by no means and Im trying to fix my issues. But people like them are insecure and know exactly what to do to manipulate your mind to get what they want and are only concerned with their own needs. 

Forgive yourself and dont beat yourself up anymore. Its over! It will never work! and think about the day, if you do end up together, how youre gonna feel when you catch her cheating on you. You think you hurt now? Dont wait for that day. Get right with yourself and gain your respect back. She took that from you. That is yours and no one should be able to steal that from you. MAN-UP and move on with a nice girl that dont play games.

Good Luck,
FinallyFree


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow. Interesting thread.

Tattle...are you familiar with the fog? Because your in it like knee deep in sh$t. Just reading over your posts about your explanations, and how you can counter every single argument against your current relationship that other posters heve tried t o advise you against...........

I would have to say those PEA endorphins in your brain are making you...well...wacko!

It's interesting that your excuses...which have absolutely no logic in them whatsoever based on any sort of reality...can justify every argument you have. This...funny enough...sounds EXACTLY like my DS when she was deep into her EA. Every excuse she gave me sounded exactly like your justifications....and every excuse she gave HIM about how much I sucked sounded exactly like what she's saying to you.

Time for my Oracle hat here...and it won't be pretty...

Yes. She says she loves you. But she needs time. So....those text messages will come more and more infrequent every day. And will get less and less intimate..as she weans herself...and you...off the high of this relationship. Then..she will not respond to more and more of them....until....eventually....one day....she will tell you..."I love you, babe. But things are happening in my marriage right now with my husband. He's changing....and...well...I think after all these years, I owe it to him to at least try to work on my marriage. So...it would be unfair to both of us to continue what we are doing if I truly want to fix things with my husband. So....so long...my love"
Then, she speed dials the next man in her contact list she's Aldo having an affair with...but isn't in that love crazy "i love you" stage....because that guy is a lot safer right now to have an affair with. Things are getting WAY to complicated with you....and your neurotic clingyness...what was once cute....is just a big pain in the ass. Bazinga! You've just been played!

Time to man up. Detox from that heroin love juice in your brain. Grab some nuts. And get on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh yeah. One more thing. You are having an affair with a married women. That makes you a massive douche bag. Your now the OM.

Ok. I'm not bitter here...even though my written words seem like it. You just need a taste of reality to cut through those PEA induced thoughts in your head. Yeah. Your wacko. Because now YOUR the junkie trying to get and keep ypur love fix...and now experiencing massive chemical withdrawl symptoms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Son of a bit(h! I just responded to a resurrected two year old post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

alphaomega said:


> Son of a bit(h! I just responded to a resurrected two year old post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::rofl::scratchhead:


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Tons of men get cheated on buddy. It does not give you the moral right to mess with a mans wife. 

Seems what you have is an obsession and not love. I'm sure she's very hot and great in the sack and you think you can't do better. Time to walk away before something really bad happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

scarletblue said:


> HERE's YOUR SIGN!!!!!
> 
> :iagree:


:lol::rofl::smthumbup:

LEGENDARY JEFF!


----------

