# trying to get my husband back home



## higherpower

hi, 
i have been married for 6 years, my husband just moved out 4 days ago, we had a disagreement, have had a few. but more good times than bad times. so yesterday i went to counseling, he showed up, and i dont know where he is staying, but i called him. and he met me out in a parking lot because i asked for a hug from him. and he agreed, we talked for about 30 minutes, he was mostly, no eye contact , but a lil responsive. he said he will come back home next week if he sees a change in me. i was having trust issues with him, so i was checking his phone, etc. but because he has cheated before. so now, i have agreed those things will end if he comes home, and i will be in counseling which i have started and will back today. when i see him, he still drives around with his truck full of his clothes, and hes in a hotel, but i dont know where... he showers, but puts on the same clothes hes had on for 4 days.. he is a very clean person, no hes not on drugs , or anything like that, when i see him, he always looks tired, he doesnt glow anymore... i asked him to come to the house last night if we wanted that teh kids miss him, and i was coking his favorite food, he aid maybe, but never showed up, or didnt call to cancel.thats when i called him for a hug, and he said ok. please help, any advice is helpful.
about me.. ive been upset crying on and off for 4 days that hes been gone. i try to grip myself ,but cry 30 minutes later. i do want him back, and feel i have lost apart of myself.


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## Hope1964

I am sorry to be so blunt, but your begging and pleading is just driving him away. The reason he moved out is because he wants to have the freedom to screw other women. 

First of all, get tested for STD's please.

Next, STOP TALKING to him.  DO NOT cook for him or have sex with him or hug him or text him or anything. NOTHING. You have got to adopt an attitude of I DON'T CARE. You have got to become self sufficient.

You have EVERY RIGHT to be checking his phnoe if he cheated on you. He should be SHOWING it to you.

This man is not the least bit sorry for what he did, and you're letting him get away with it. PLEASE stop this in it's tracks and pick yourself up and get on with your life WITHOUT this......'man'.


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## harrybrown

It does not sound like he is remorseful. 

Have you read about the 180? It is a tool for you to help you with your situation with your H.

I would recommend that you start using the 180. If I were you, I would also talk to an attorney about your rights in case of a divorce. 

Sorry that you are going thru such a horrible situation.


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## PBear

So he cheats, and you're the one that needs to change to get him to come back? Sounds like a great deal. For him!

How long ago was his affair? How was it dealt with?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Finding Nemo

PBear said:


> So he cheats, and you're the one that needs to change to get him to come back? Sounds like a great deal. For him!
> 
> *I was going to say the exact same thing. Why are you the only one in counseling and making all of the changes? I think you should address this with your counselor before he comes back home. Do not feel bad for him having his clothes in the truck or for where he is staying. This is a choice he has made for himself. So allow him to experience the full affect of his choices. It's the only way any kind of change is going to be able to take place.
> *
> 
> How long ago was his affair? How was it dealt with?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker

Wow you guys jumped to "He's having an affair!" and "He's not remorseful!" really, really quickly.

Truthfully the OP didn't give us enough detail, in my humble opinion, to convict this guy so quickly. She points out that he has cheated "before" but isn't specific about how long ago it happened, how deep it went, how he responded to it after the truth came out, etc. For all we know he did all of the right things. She also points out that she is/has been very distrustful of him for a while and that it has been pushing him away. Naturally that reaction is acceptable if he cheated fairly recently, in which case he deserves it and yes he would need to be more remorseful. But if this had happened years ago, he's done everything right since then, and she has just struggled with forgiveness and rebuilding trust, then this would be an entirely different issue.

So for starters, higherpower, if you feel comfortable, could you tell us more about his past cheating? How deep did it go? How long did it last? Were you married yet? Does he still have any form of contact with her? Have you had any cause to be suspicious of him recently? (Like what kind of evidence?) How did he respond when the truth of his cheating became known? You mention that he has been frustrated with your distrustful activities, so what kind of activities have you been doing?

Besides all of that, I agree with what some have said above that if you want him back, you are only pushing him further away by begging, pleading, making concessions to him, etc. IF he is involved with someone else or considering it, then you'll be doing enormous harm to your marriage by pursuing him this way and swearing that you'll trust him completely if he just comes home. If you do have legitimate trust issues that you'd like to address, or are concerned that they need addressed, then yes therapy will be helpful, but you should do that for yourself. With him gone, you need to take this time for self reflection to see if there is anything you really were doing wrong in the marriage, yes, but don't assume it's all your fault. Moving out and leaving your family is a HUGE step and it aught to have REALLY good reasons for doing so if he thinks it is mostly your fault, and I don't get the feeling that this is the case.

In any case, stop begging and pleading. Stop asking for hugs. Stop asking him to come home. Believe me, if you can do all of that immediately, he will notice QUICKLY and will likely return home without delay when he starts to feel like he is losing your interest. THEN you can address whatever issues made him leave in the first place.


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