# Wife wants to open our marriage but I don’t.



## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

Hello from far away land. It’s started a few months back when we talked about fantasies. Actually I initiated it cause of a goddamn article I read about relationship and being open minded. Anyway we went for my fantasy, no biggi (turned out it was far better in my head than it was in practice), so we marked it off. When we talked about it my wife said her biggest fantasy was a threesome – lucky me? – not really. She said it was me and another guy. I thought this is cool with me cause a fantasy I kept to myself was her, me and our neighbor (a divorced hottie with a dynamite figure). So If I dream of being in the sack with 2 females, I guess it’s ok for a woman to have the opposite fantasy. Who am I to judge?
Well after we did my fantasy she said when are we going to try hers. I thought she was kidding and we laughed about it. But then sometimes later she brought it up again. It was actually fun to talk about it and it turned me on. Had a great sex after it. But then about a week later she brought it up again and I asked her if she was serious. She said she thinks she want to try it for real, with me or just with a stranger. Turns out it wasn’t the threesome thing that turned her on, but her willingness to try other men.
I was totally shocked and told her there was no way in hell another man is gonna touch her if he cares for his life. I figured that was that but it wasn’t. She kept bringing it up. We had a big fight over it. She said I was primitive about the whole thing, which I am, so what. Some guys are just jealous. We’ve been seventeen years together + 3 kids. I love her more than I did when we started, I swear to god. When we dated I thought she had an awesome body (she actually modeled, like most of the girls in her family – good genes) but there was something I didn’t like about her face. Now when I look at her (after 17 yrs and 3 kids and 10+ pounds) I think she’s Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Anniston combined. Trouble is I’m no Brad Pitt. What if this guy is better than me? What if she falls for that guy? Not entirely science fiction scenario. I told her, go ahead if you want to ruin our marriage. She said, what if she goes for a professional escort service? There will be no strings attached, and she’ll just have her fantasy so we can mark that one off. I said I’ll think about it cause I wanted her off my back. So she asked me again few weeks later and I said I’m still thinking about it. To make a long story short I said yes in the end, I don’t want you to do it behind my back. Didn’t think she’ll follow through. She did. She arranged I’ll take the kids camping on weekend and she invited a guy she found on the internet, a professional. She told me he’s doing both men and women so he’s probably gay and I don’t have to fear for my masculinity. It’s been a roller coaster for me since then. I said I’ll follow through, but now I don’t want to. My wife is gonna be really upset and we’re gonna have like the mother of all fights. I saw the guy’s pic in the escort site, looks like he spends all his days either in the gym or getting a tan. I can’t compete with that, gay or not gay. On the other hand, maybe I’m being an idiot about the whole thing. After all it’s just sex and better than if she’ll go through behind my back. I really don’t know. I have no one to turn to – this is too shameful to discuss with anyone I know. An anonymous board on the web sounds like an option. Maybe you guys in the free progressive big world out there know how to cope with this?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

First off STDs are a serious issue. How do you know for a fact that this man won't give you both HIV or something else? Seriously, this is dangerous stuff and condom's aren't 100% effective.

Secondly, while we don't know what fantasy you did with her I presume it didn't involve other people. Sorry but this is unacceptable especially if you aren't on board with it. She wants you to bless her being unfaithful, random guy or no.

Some lines between fantasy and reality shouldn't be crossed, and everything you said this isn't one. This will cause problems for your marriage for years and endless fights (you're fighting about it now and no one has done a thing).

Tell her you aren't on board and you won't stand for it. Tell her that she can pick another fantasy, but not one with another person.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop going along with it if you're not ok with it. You're just making things worse. If you can't deal with it, be honest.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh man, you fell for the free 3some game and now she wants hers. Remind me never to do that. I predict that this is the beginning of the end. Once she's had another man's c*ck in her she'll never look at you the same. I guess to make the best of the situation if I was in your shoes I'd make sure of 2 things....1 is that you're there and present for the whole thing (enforcing things like condoms, no kissing etc and making sure that it's clear that you're the alpha male in the bedroom). And 2, I'd make sure that it's a one time thing. Then you're even and it never ever happens again.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would also insist 100% that you pick the guy. Again, that's only if you absolutely can't man up and put the brakes on the whole thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are gonna take the kids camping so she can cheat on you at home in your bed and you are gonnapay for it?

Seriously.

And if she likes it, will you keep taking care of the kids so she can have her lovers come over?

She gave you what a threesome? And now she wants you condone her bring alone for sex with some stud?

Seriously, time to file for D so she can be free to do this all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh man, you fell for the free 3some game and now she wants hers. Remind me never to do that. I predict that this is the beginning of the end. Once she's had another man's c*ck in her she'll never look at you the same. I guess to make the best of the situation if I was in your shoes I'd make sure of 2 things....1 is that you're there and present for the whole thing (enforcing things like condoms, no kissing etc and making sure that it's clear that you're the alpha male in the bedroom). And 2, I'd make sure that it's a one time thing. Then you're even and it never ever happens again.


Man, that's like won the nobel prize for bad advice. 
Seriously dude? Being in the same room where another guy boinks your wife? 
I see two options of how it ends: 
1. My di** falls off and then I dont care who she sleeps with.
2. I bury the guy in the backyard.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> First off STDs are a serious issue. How do you know for a fact that this man won't give you both HIV or something else? Seriously, this is dangerous stuff and condom's aren't 100% effective.
> 
> Secondly, while we don't know what fantasy you did with her I presume it didn't involve other people. Sorry but this is unacceptable especially if you aren't on board with it. She wants you to bless her being unfaithful, random guy or no.
> 
> ...


Good advice. 
I forgot all about STD and condoms. Havnt been using those for like million years. 
It's good to know I'm not the last person in the world who thinks this is totally wrong. Not because I believe in the sacred marriage and all that, because as a guy I dont want anyone else to touch my wife.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Um, that wasn't my advice and you know it. My advice is to man up and say no. All you read was my fall back advice for making the best of a bad situation. I would never advise you to be a cuckhold as the first preference, that choice is on you for not being able to say no.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Friend,

Tell her once and for all, if she goes through with this you are divorcing. If she brings it up again you are divorcing. Tell her there are two in a marriage and if there are three, even for a minute, the marriage is over. If I were you I would start watching her very intently because now that she has it in her head she will probably go behind your back and try to follow through with it at some point.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NFW


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Good advice.
> I forgot all about STD and condoms. Havnt been using those for like million years.
> It's good to know I'm not the last person in the world who thinks this is totally wrong. Not because I believe in the sacred marriage and all that, because as a guy I dont want anyone else to touch my wife.


By the way if he is bi and doing males and females he is much more likely to have come in contact with STD's and HIV! If there is no point of return you should at least find someone that has been monogamous for a long period of time and will get tested for STD's and HIV. Finding a married heterosexual male that is D and D free should be a breeze.
If not, you are playing with fire.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Man, that's like won the nobel prize for bad advice.
> Seriously dude? Being in the same room where another guy boinks your wife?
> I see two options of how it ends:
> 1. My di** falls off and then I dont care who she sleeps with.
> 2. I bury the guy in the backyard.


So it was ok with you to bring another woman into your marriage. But you cannot handle another man?

The way you feel about this is probably the way your wife felt when she save into being there while you did another woman. So now she wants her payback. That's probably what is going on with her. She's hurt beyond belief and now wants to hurt you back. Makes sense with what she's suggesting.

You opened pandora's box. How are you going to get the demons back in the box now?

Your only choice here is to tell her that the threesome with aonther woman was a huge mistake and you will not support her being with another man.

Your marriage might very well be over no matter what you do now because either way your wife is upset and will take a long time to get over what has gone down. She might never get over it.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Not to be argumentative Ele, but I'm not convinced that his executed fantasy was a 3 way with a female. If you read it closely it sounds like he didn't say what it was.

He did say later on though that he had a fantasy (possibly another fantasy) about a 3 way with a neighboring female. I think though he was pointing that out as part of his own original thought process in agreeing to the 3 way in the first place.

So just so we are clear was the fantasy of yours that you did live out a 3 way with a female?

Even if yes, while on some level it maybe fair to even out the score... two wrongs don't always make a right.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I thought he had a fantasy of a 3 way with another woman but it was just a fantasy. Then his wife talked about her fantasy of a 3 way with another man. But then she pushed to make it happen and he foolishly agreed. I was led to believe that nothing has happened yet.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The answer to your question is No don`t allow your wife to **** another man...ever.

A question of my own...

What was the fantasy of yours she fulfilled?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He says they "went for" his fantasy, but he doesn't actually say what his was. When I first read it I thought he meant that the fantasy they went for was the MFF 3 way but perhaps the fantasy they went for was something different. Maybe she thinks fulfilling his fantasy for anal is equivalent to her fantasy for a MMF 3 way. If that's the case then it's even more reason to turn her down. I mean if my wife lets me tie her up one night as my fantasy, that doesn't mean that she gets to do another man to be even....it does mean that she gets to tie me up the next night if she wants.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He says they "went for" his fantasy, but he doesn't actually say what his was. When I first read it I thought he meant that the fantasy they went for was the MFF 3 way but perhaps the fantasy they went for was something different. Maybe she thinks fulfilling his fantasy for anal is equivalent to her fantasy for a MMF 3 way. If that's the case then it's even more reason to turn her down. I mean if my wife lets me tie her up one night as my fantasy, that doesn't mean that she gets to do another man to be even....it does mean that she gets to tie me up the next night if she wants.


True but if he did do the MFF he`s on a pretty slippery slope with his refusal to reciprocate.

He still shouldn`t reciprocate but it would be a serious case of "Careful what you wish for"


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So it was ok with you to bring another woman into your marriage. But you cannot handle another man?
> 
> The way you feel about this is probably the way your wife felt when she save into being there while you did another woman. So now she wants her payback. That's probably what is going on with her. She's hurt beyond belief and now wants to hurt you back. Makes sense with what she's suggesting.
> 
> ...


I agree with this, once you open up your marriage to either sex, it's very difficult to put an end to, almost always someone doesn't want to stop.

and btw, she isn't listening to you, you told her no....duh.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Geez! What is it with men wanting their wives to sleep with other men and wives WANTING to sleep with other men and the husbands to be cool with it on these boards lately!

Okay...here we go...

You let this happen and you can kiss your marriage goodbye. You will resent her and you will have your heart ripped in two. You will never look at your wife the same way again. That Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston girl that you have will turn into someone you won't even want to look at anymore because it will be too painful. 

I would see a lawyer and have him draw up divorce papers and have them on standby. I would confront her and tell her that you are not happy with this and you don't want it to happen. If she starts arguing with you, drop the papers on her and tell her that if screwing someone else is THAT important to her then she can sign these and get the hell out. Then she free to sleep with whom ever she wants. Time to play hardball. Time to let her know that you are serious and you are not going to stand for this. If your thinking that this is extreme, then wait till she sleeps with the guy..... The moment the two of you become three, the marriage is over.

Just my opinion.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

This got me spun up......

And do you see that her fantasy is evolving into something completely different? First it was MMF. She wanted you with someone else to you not being there entirely! If she breaks down and says "Okay, you win. I won't do it." I wouldn't even trust that! She wants to do this sooo bad, that she's going to do it whether you like it or not....OR what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I guarantee you she's willing to cheat on you to make this happen. She would RATHER have your blessing so she can ease any guilt she would have about it. " You can't get mad!!! You said you were on board with this!! Sorry if I tore out your soul, but if you felt THAT BAD about it YOU should have told me NO!" Thus, making it entirely YOUR FAULT in her mind.

See where this is going?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Crossbar is right. Your fantasy at least involved being with her. For hers you are nothing more than a hindrance and now she actually wants you to take the kids say so she can cheat in private.

That's not a fantasy, that is you being a good cuckold and minding the kids hike a bull has her in your bed.

If you let her do that she will forever see you as a pathetic weak cuckold who let her do it.

How about proposing that she watch the kids while you go to vegas with two 19 year old strippers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Threesomes are what people do with their boyfriends or girlfriends. NOT with their husband or wife. Once you tie the knot, then intimate contact should just be between the two of you.
(maybe my old fashioned views were what turned my ex into a cheater?)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. Her fantasy is to cuckold you ... UFB. 

I have to be honest, not only no but hell no and I would evaluate if I would want to be in a relationship with a woman who wanted to do this.

Of course I would have told her that IF you wanted to do a MFF.

But you are here now. Don't make a bad situation worse. There is no going back.

I mean which is more degrading? Being cuckolded or showing value and saying no, I am not down for this. I changed my mind.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

Never did a the threesome thing, never told her about it. I mean, to tell her I fancy the neighbor? How stupid do I look? 
Don't wanna open here my fantasy, it is a private thing. Nothing radical. It was mostly about me and my pleasure and it turned out to be a real downer. Wife didn't like it (but she went for it) and eventually I didn't to.
As for the good people asking me to divorce. You dont throw 17 yrs + 3 kids and lots of love on a single crisis. You pull through somehow. I'll convince her to postpone or maybe threat I'll sleep with other women dont know. I'll suggest another fantasy. Hope she grows out of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Threatening to sleep with other women could back fire... suppose she said ok?

The best way to handle this would be to be honest. If you ask her to just put it off for now you set her up to continue to push for it. Just tell her that you do not agree to being others into your marriage. That it's adultery and you don't want any part of it and will not accept it if she goes outside the marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Never did a the threesome thing, never told her about it. I mean, to tell her I fancy the neighbor? How stupid do I look?
> Don't wanna open here my fantasy, it is a private thing. Nothing radical. It was mostly about me and my pleasure and it turned out to be a real downer. Wife didn't like it (but she went for it) and eventually I didn't to.
> As for the good people asking me to divorce. You dont throw 17 yrs + 3 kids and lots of love on a single crisis. You pull through somehow. I'll convince her to postpone or maybe threat I'll sleep with other women dont know. I'll suggest another fantasy. Hope she grows out of it.


You really think that postponing is going to make you look attractive to her? You just can't say no? if you postpone do you think she could just decide to do it on her own? She wants to be with other men. Hope is not a plan. I would think threatening to sleep with other women would also just encourage her to follow through.

Good luck.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Postponing just makes it so that you'll likely just have to deal with the issue again. Deal with it now imo. Ask her to fulfill a different fantasy, tell her that other people are out of bounds.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Do you think that in extending herself for your pleasure and doing something she did not like changed her perception of your sexual relationship? 

Perhaps she thought that in extending herself to please you obligated you to do the same. I think that you may want to rethink this spicing things up. 

You may be [email protected] and not making love. [email protected] is ok if your intimacy is mostly loving and intimate. Using each other to derive pleasure when it requires one person doing something they don't like, is not intimate in my opinion. 

I would say you should shut this down firmly. She may feel that she did your fantasy and you should do yours, but you can just say no. Hers is too risky. 

You can discuss the fantasy that she did for you and if you feel inclined, tell her that you made an honest error in having her do something she did not want to do. 

But you have decided that you don't want to make a second much bigger mistake. 

It is outrageous that she wants to introduce the real possibility of STD and endanger herself by having sex with a man she dose not know and cannot trust. 

Suppose he hurts her? Suppose he try's to do something she does not like? Suppose he gets off using her and then leaves. 

It is ridiculous to allow her to put herself in that position. I think it is crazy - maybe she is having a mental breakdown? Thats how crazy this sounds.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Maybe she's already having a PA but wants to make it legit and not hide it from you or others.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Without know what your executed fanatasy was and what your wife did for you, it is impossible for people here to compare it with what your wife is asking for.

the board is completely anon so don't worry about that and from what I've read here in other posts I don't think you'll shock anyone!


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I feel it is okay to keep an open mind and do anything your spouse asks (fantasy or fetish), as long as it is only between you and her. No third wheels.

Explain that you are okay with doing whatever it is she wants to do as long as it is between the two of you. Anything else is off limits and you are not making any exceptions. Suggest using a sex machine while you also have sex with her. Yes, they make them, and yes she can get 2 on 1 without ever needing another person.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Open marriages will only work with lot of trust and different kind of mentality towards sex. Not when ypu are forced into one. I can assure you that if she goes through with it,you will be devastated, destroyed and your marriage will be ruined. Don't threaten her with sleeping with other women. It will definitely backfire. Tell her that you changed your mind and won't agree to it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> As for the good people asking me to divorce. You dont throw 17 yrs + 3 kids and lots of love on a single crisis. You pull through somehow. I'll convince her to postpone or maybe threat I'll sleep with other women dont know. I'll suggest another fantasy. Hope she grows out of it.


It sounds like your wife is the dominant partner in your relationship. If that's true, then I'm not surprised that she's looking for another man to have sex with. It's because she's not attracted to you.

If you want to pull your wife's sexual interest back onto you, you need to man up and assert yourself. Simply hoping that your wife becomes attracted to you again, while continuing the behavior that has destroyed her attraction, is not a successful strategy.

If you allow your wife to make you a cuckold, then she will lose any respect she has for you. It will change your marriage permanently. Your wife will change her view of you from her partner to the guy that interferes with her getting off with handsome men.

Don't be a cuckold. Tell your wife no.

Look at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

You state that you don't want to throw away 17+ years of marriage and 3 kids by divorcing her. No you won't, SHE will. She's willing to flush any love you have for her down the toliet for selfish reasons.

Look, you can draw up divorce papers but you don't have to execute them. This will show her how serious you are about this. If she does this fantasy, the papers are her reality. She needs to know that there are serious consequences to her actions. 

I'm telling you, if you let her do this, your marriage is over anyway, So, you need to do anything and everything to ensure that this doesn't happen. And if she goes behind your back, at least you know that you did everything possible to try and stop it.
It's whether you want to pull the band-aid off slowly or quickly.

Plus, if you take the kids camping while she's in the martial bed having wild monkey sex with a complete stranger, you are going to be a complete basket case.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You need to do some investigation to find out if she isn't already involved with another man. Seldom does a spouse who proposes an open marriage isn't already having an affair.

You may want to consider conveying to her that she can do whatever she wants but you will not give her your blessing or promise that will not divorce her if she does go through with her desire to have sex with another man. Without the spectre of divorce, she will become emboldened to go through with it and rub it into your face since there will be no heavy consequences for doing so, you can count on it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe sugest swinging!

if she gets to have a pro then you can get one also you guys can lay next to eachother holding hands as the pros bang your brains out.

that sounds romantic and loving.

make sure you get the youngest hottest one around.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> It sounds like your wife is the dominant partner in your relationship. If that's true, then I'm not surprised that she's looking for another man to have sex with. It's because she's not attracted to you.
> 
> If you want to pull your wife's sexual interest back onto you, you need to man up and assert yourself. Simply hoping that your wife becomes attracted to you again, while continuing the behavior that has destroyed her attraction, is not a successful strategy.
> 
> ...


:iagree: You need to be firm and confident that you will NOT allow this. The fact that you're being wishy-washy to her about this is not attractive to her. Women are attracted to a man who will take control of the marriage and never allow another man into your marriage. 

My wife also talked about sex with another man, and while I told her I didn't like that idea, she continued to talk about it until I STRONGLY and FIRMLY put my foot down and stated that I will divorce her right now if she continues to want an open marriage. That woke her up instantly once she saw I meant business and she's a completely different person now. It's like she was waiting and wanting me to take control like a real man. The change was astonishing to me.

You need to be strong and put an end to this talk. Your wife wants a real man.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

You've mentioned not wanting to throw away your marriage over this by not bringing divorce into the conversation. I can understand that, but you have to show her you mean business. That's the only way she'll snap out of it. 

It sounds like you two slowly started talking fantasies and gradually turned it up a few notches over the years, becoming bolder, and now you've reached this point where it now gets turned into reality. You had weak boundaries and now you need erect a wall to keep both of you out of forbidden territory. You need to do this now. Your marriage is in trouble. You need to be the guy that would never, ever let another man touch his wife.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Never did a the threesome thing, never told her about it. I mean, to tell her I fancy the neighbor? How stupid do I look?
> Don't wanna open here my fantasy, it is a private thing. Nothing radical. It was mostly about me and my pleasure and it turned out to be a real downer. Wife didn't like it (but she went for it) and eventually I didn't to.
> As for the good people asking me to divorce. You dont throw 17 yrs + 3 kids and lots of love on a single crisis. You pull through somehow. I'll convince her to postpone or maybe threat I'll sleep with other women dont know. I'll suggest another fantasy. Hope she grows out of it.


Don`t divorce her.
Simply tell her that a third sex partner in your marriage is not an option.
Set it as a boundary and a deal breaker and let it be.

The ball is firmly in her court then, you`ve made your needs known and if she rejects those needs it`s her who has harmed the marriage.

Don`t rug sweep this by "hoping" she`ll grow out of it or bull**** her by "postponing".

Set your boundaries firmly and drop it.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Cubby said:


> My wife also talked about sex with another man, and while I told her I didn't like that idea, she continued to talk about it until I STRONGLY and FIRMLY put my foot down and stated that I will divorce her right now if she continues to want an open marriage. That woke her up instantly once she saw I meant business and she's a completely different person now. It's like she was waiting and wanting me to take control like a real man. The change was astonishing to me.
> 
> You need to be strong and put an end to this talk. Your wife wants a real man.


:iagree:

Morituri is right about most wives who push for an open marriage are already having an affair. I don't mean to be crass, but are you certain that your wife wasn't banging another guy when you put your foot down?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

chaos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Morituri is right about most wives who push for an open marriage are already having an affair. I don't mean to be crass, but are you certain that your wife wasn't banging another guy when you put your foot down?


Nobody's ever 100 percent sure. That's certainly true in my case. I spent a lot of time investigating (phone records, texts, etc.) Based on that along with what she told me, my conclusion is mild EA. I could be wrong and she might be lying, but it happened a while ago, so the issue is over, we learned from it, and we now have a much better marriage.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

Toffer said:


> OP,
> 
> Without know what your executed fanatasy was and what your wife did for you, it is impossible for people here to compare it with what your wife is asking for.
> 
> the board is completely anon so don't worry about that and from what I've read here in other posts I don't think you'll shock anyone!


Doesn’t matter really, I don’t see how the details are relevant. Enough to say it didn’t involve a 3rd person or another living being. Other than to satisfy some Peeping Tom curiosity I don’t think it’s relevant and I’m not here because Im an exhibitionist.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Doesn’t matter really, I don’t see how the details are relevant. Enough to say it didn’t involve a 3rd person or another living being. Other than to satisfy some Peeping Tom curiosity I don’t think it’s relevant and I’m not here because Im an exhibitionist.


I agree, as long as it isn`t equitable with what she wants I don`t think it`s relevant.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> Doesn’t matter really, I don’t see how the details are relevant. Enough to say it didn’t involve a 3rd person or another living being. Other than to satisfy some Peeping Tom curiosity I don’t think it’s relevant and I’m not here because Im an exhibitionist.


Then what is the logic of a wife then assuming it is ok to carry out a sexual escapade with another man alone? How does one make this leap from what you are inferring to that?

Did you tell her if we do this you can live out any fantasy?

Was your fantasy to post on a marriage forum about your wife wanting another man?


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

At my age I see people divorce all around me. It hurts everyone especially the kids. Two of my wife's sisters ended their marriage during the last two years. One dumped her husband because he has a serious gambling problem and almost brought her down with him. BTW, she was screwing around all the time, even wanted me once to give her an alibi when her husband suspected. I didn't want no part of it. The other had an affair with a married man, dumped her husband (which was always 10 times better than she deserved IMHO). Ironically or karma wise, things turned out different than she planned. She's now alone, as the guy she had an affair with never dumped his wife. Her ex – on the other hand who never looked at another woman has found a cute single doctor and they plan on marrying.
On both accounts it screwed up the kids completely. I know that because me and my wife take our share in helping with the kids of one divorced sister. They sleep at our place like three or four days a week. It's like I've adopted three new kids. Each kid took it differently, but none in a good way. I see the frustration and hurt every day. I'll do anything to prevent my kids from going through that. Actually they’re being here is part of the trouble cause we have nowadays zero privacy with so many people in the house. But there’s nothing I can do about that.

As for the cucold thing that was mentioned here a lot. I looked it up. It's about humiliation and control and other stuff. I would never hurt my wife and I know she loves me and would never want to humiliate me. I think its more abiout herself. We use the metric system where I come from so when I said she gained 10 pounds over the years I meant 10 kilos which is more like 20 pounds. Men used to hit on her all the time, she loved the attention and was quite a tease. We had quite a few fights about it. But she's 40 now and there is a new line of 20 yrs hot models out there. I think she just wants to feel that men still drool when she walks by.

Anyway, status for now, I've put my foot down and said the deal is off. Like I expected we had a big fight today, it’s still on. She threw in my face how it was cool with me when we did my thing and that I'm being selfish. I said we need counseling and she didn’t say no, though I sure as hell don’t know how I'll talk about this with a stranger, face to face.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Glad to see you know how hard divorce is on the kids and how serious it is (sometimes I fear many people these days have a glib attitude towards marriage and divorce).

Also glad you put your foot down. She has let her mind get set on somethings that may be hard to let go of, just be patient but firm. Don't worry about the councilor. They hear all sorts of things all the time and frankly you'll never see them in real life, so just do your best to be honest and get through it.

If it helps, write it down and either email or have them read it that way it doesn't have to be as much of a face to face thing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Therapy is the bomb, even if they suck, you'll catch on and move on to the next one. You can tell this person any thing you want and they can't say a damb thing ( unless it illiegal).

My point is you can go off and rant , or sit there and cry your eyes out, and you don't have to worry about them tell any one. 

You can scream in ther face and let out alot of crap, and you know what ......with a 15 dollor copay, they want you back!

I personally like getting angry and shouting, it works for me, and my IC just writes it down. My IC knows about the anger managment I had and see's I'm venting in the purest form, but she doesn't like the shouting.

Now I whisper shout. Its close enough, but it sure beats having someone judge me, and talk back, and try to stand up, and get all defensive.

She just sites and writes. Then we adress it after I said my piece.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Glad you put your foot down. I read all of that stuff you wrote about the kids getting screwed up, well...You just might have saved your kids from the same thing. 

She's angry now, but she's going to calm down. WATCH IT! Because she'll probably try to compromise with you in a calm fashion. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

Whatever your fantasy was; I don't really want to know. All I know is that you made it clear it did not involve a third party and that's fine with me.

Keep an eye out. I still think she's going to do this now behind your back.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Then what is the logic of a wife then assuming it is ok to carry out a sexual escapade with another man alone? How does one make this leap from what you are inferring to that?
> 
> Did you tell her if we do this you can live out any fantasy?
> 
> Was your fantasy to post on a marriage forum about your wife wanting another man?


No logic in fantasy, there’s no mathematic there. Anal equals 3 times handcuffs and whips. Threesome equals three anals or 2 tying up + dildo. 
It’s something she thought about, and probably really wanted. She was always the fire in this relationship, I was the ice. She always searched for adrenaline rush and I would seek my peace and quiet. So far it always worked for us, up until her last crazy idea. We kind of completed each other. She kept my life from being too boring, I kept her from getting in trouble. She sometimes seek trouble just for kicks, I am usually the pacifier.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> There is a serious issue here.... I hope when you said no, you made it clear that it was not about her FANTASY, but about the fact that you will never allow a third person into your marriage, male or female. Fantasizing about it is one thing, adding a new person to your marriage is another thing completely.
> 
> I find it odd that she is so set on this because you "got yours". I mean, unless your fantasy was something so humiliating and degrading to her, like, you tied her up, took a dump on her, then smeared it on her and fed it to her, so now she feels she has to get you back.
> 
> If your thing was just kink rather than degrading, the only other reason for her attitude would be she is either having an affair or is close to having one, and wants to use this as a get out of jail free card.


I don’t really believe she is set on this because she’s done mine, that’s just something she said. She is a criminal lawyer (means she deals with lowlifes not tax or real-estate) and can be very manipulative. You can never win an argument with her. Best you can do is either let her think she won or cut things straight without arguing.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Good luck!

Think you're going to need it in this case based on her insistence!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

This isn't a courtroom, this is a marriage and a very big difference between the two. Find out if you live in a "no fault" or an "at fault" state. If you live in an "at fault" state, her being a lawyer will definately give her an idea of what she could possibly lose if she does this.


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## strangerInOtherLand (Apr 10, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> I'm sorry to sound blunt, but if that's her career, then the morals of her associates and clients are rubbing off. Unfortunately, most lawyers are very driven and can be self centered and calculating. This is scary given your current situation and your above comment. I feel for you my friend.


OK, I think I’m doing her wrong here. From your post I belive you think she’s some calculating cold heart ***** who tramples people including the poor sod who married her. 
But you know people are not black or white. 
What if I told you a few months back she took a hitchhiker older lady. The woman told her that she was about to get evicted from her house (along with her kids) because of some trouble with the neighbors and some legal issue. What if I told you my wife took the woman to court and represented her free of charge, gave everything she got (and she got a lot), until the eviction was cancelled. What if I tell you she does this kind of stuff all the time? 
And at my kids birthday there was a kid who sat aside and when my wife asked him why, he said that no one ever lets him in the fun and no one ever invites him because he has a back problem and walks funny. That kid has been in our house every week, since. Sometimes twice a week. My wife made sure he does. 
And yeah, she can be manipulative and she is very self centered. She cant bear the thought of another woman being in the spotlight. 
But she also has a good heart and tons of love and caring to give, to me too. That was why I fell in love with her in the first place. Not because she was a knockout, I’ve dated prettier.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

humanbecoming said:


> I mean, unless your fantasy was something so humiliating and degrading to her, like, you tied her up, took a dump on her, then smeared it on her and fed it to her, so now she feels she has to get you back.


DUDE!!!!!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> OK, I think I’m doing her wrong here. From your post I belive you think she’s some calculating cold heart ***** who tramples people including the poor sod who married her.
> But you know people are not black or white.
> What if I told you a few months back she took a hitchhiker older lady. The woman told her that she was about to get evicted from her house (along with her kids) because of some trouble with the neighbors and some legal issue. What if I told you my wife took the woman to court and represented her free of charge, gave everything she got (and she got a lot), until the eviction was cancelled. What if I tell you she does this kind of stuff all the time?
> And at my kids birthday there was a kid who sat aside and when my wife asked him why, he said that no one ever lets him in the fun and no one ever invites him because he has a back problem and walks funny. That kid has been in our house every week, since. Sometimes twice a week. My wife made sure he does.
> ...


Okay, I get it, she has good equalities. Then, why does she insist on doing the most hurtful thing you can do to another person? Seriously, you really need to put a stop to this. Or you're gonna lose that woman with all of those good equalities.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> As for the cucold thing that was mentioned here a lot. I looked it up. It's about humiliation and control and other stuff. I would never hurt my wife and I know she loves me and would never want to humiliate me.


That is nonsensical. If I tell you that I don't want to hurt you, I just want to break your leg, then I'm obviously lying about not wanting to hurt you.

You've stated that your wife wants your permission to sleep with another man in your house. If your wife did that, you would be wounded and humiliated. So, your wife wants to wound and humiliate you. You've even told her that you would be hurt and she doesn't care.



strangerInOtherLand said:


> I think she just wants to feel that men still drool when she walks by.


That's perfectly understandable. All women go through the same emotion. It doesn't give them the right to cheat on their husbands. She needs to suck it up.



strangerInOtherLand said:


> Anyway, status for now, I've put my foot down and said the deal is off. Like I expected we had a big fight today, it’s still on. She threw in my face how it was cool with me when we did my thing and that I'm being selfish. I said we need counseling and she didn’t say no, though I sure as hell don’t know how I'll talk about this with a stranger, face to face.


Counseling will be good. A good counselor will be able to keep her on point and not allow her pettiness to dominate the discussion.

In the meantime, don't bend or break. Stand your ground. If she still has the appointment with the gigolo, call and cancel it. Cancel your trip with the kids. You'll all be home that day.

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

strangerInOtherLand said:


> I don’t really believe she is set on this because she’s done mine, that’s just something she said. She is a criminal lawyer (means she deals with lowlifes not tax or real-estate) and can be very manipulative. You can never win an argument with her. Best you can do is either let her think she won or cut things straight without arguing.


In all seriousness I hope she does not want to do this with some bad boy client.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How did your sex life get to this place? I think that is one thing that you need to fix after thus crisis. The fact that your wife can even present such a plan to you floors me! What have you two done such that this is something that she would bring up? 

Not only that but you considered doing it!! You can point the finger at her but I hope you will consider that it took both of you to get to this place. You are as much at fault as she. 

You both allowed your sexual relationship become a - you do me then i'll do you- type of thing. How did you get away from mutually satisfying intimate sex? 

If she tells you that you are selfish tell her that may be but you are not stupid and that is why you say no way. 

As soon as you can, get sex back on an intimate level. Do things that you both enjoy. Build up a mutually satisfying repertoire. Intersperse that with times when one person gets to totally relax and get all of the attention.

Make sure that neither of you feel used and make sure that you don't do things that are too far out of your comfort zone.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> *
> If she tells you that you are selfish tell her that may be but you are not stupid and that is why you say no way. *


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There is no shame to admit to her that you were stupid to allow some or your sexual fantasies to become a reality and that you now realize that they are not worth risking your marriage. It takes a big man to admit he was wrong.


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