# Wanting to improve our sex life



## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

Hi all; beloved hubby and my marriage seems to have reached a sexual hiatus. I am 36, he is 38, married for 7 years, together for 9, no kids. A pretty rocky relationship from the start, but worth it somehow as we are still together, I may get into that sometime; serious financial pressure dating back almost 5 years, a separation and another man 2 years ago, reconciliation in progress with a lot of days, some good and some really bad. He is (bless him) in a job he currently loves and stands to do very well in. I am not so lucky in work and am tending bar to help make ends meet while we drag ourselves through this. 

We love each other and are doing all we can to work things out (definitely think there has been moderate rug sweeping about my affair but can get into that a bit later) I just wanted to give you some background before heading into my current issue.

Ive noticed sex is becoming decidedly ho-hum these days. Sometimes hubby doesnt even bother for me to be ready (and I tell him so) before unleashing the kraken. His techniques don't seem to work as well on me as they used to. I dont get as aroused and I'm having a problem with my orgasms these days, although I can "self pleasure" to finish no problem. We always used to be very sexually compatible and not so much these days it seems, there's a problem with the connection... 

I don't feel as desired by him as I used to and this is a problem for me as it affects my desire in turn. We don't have sex as often as we used to. I admit I am the LD of the pair of us but I am addicted to beloved hubbys sperm and find myself getting moody if my levels are running low.  However he also now waits a lot for me to initiate and I prefer him to be aggressive which affects my responses. I feel unhappy about it. We do pass over it but nothing seems to come of it and I don't want to come across wrong as it is a sensitive topic. Communication is not our strong point.

Could this still be infidelity backlash? We haven't fought about it for a while and to be honest, he gets so angry when it comes up that I am a bit of a coward initiating it. How do I find out and how do I handle it?

Could work be affecting him that badly? he is working really hard and like I said we've had (are having) serious financial issues. It never seemed to be a problem before.

Could it be me? maybe I should get my health checked...

Any other opinions? Tx.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's probably related to you being a cheater. For the record, if I was married to a cheater, working in a bar would be a deal breaker. Of course so would you being LD.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The infidelity may be a factor - it's not so long ago that, so probably has some effect. You've also been together for the length of time at which many relationships struggle from familiarity and boredom. Shaking things up, doing some different things together (especially outside your comfort zone so it's more of an adventure) can often help. MC to focus on improving communication may also be useful. Any other major stresses (job, financial) can and do weigh on people and can reduce intimacy and drive. Finally, he is at the age when T levels may decline enough to start being noticeable, especially if his were on the lower side to begin with.

Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He has not healed or forgotten about the affair. Was it a PA or EA? Have you used more effort to make him know that he always and is number 1 in your life?

You might get more help over in the coping with infidelity section. 

There is a good post on how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Have you been to counseling?

Did you confess or did he catch you? Have you never contacted the other man again?


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## Rafters (Sep 18, 2013)

NicoleT said:


> ...before unleashing the kraken.


That is so awesome. I'm totally stealing that line.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's probably related to you being a cheater. For the record, if I was married to a cheater, working in a bar would be a deal breaker. Of course so would you being LD.


:iagree:


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

What you are suffering is, indeed, a backlash. But not the type you think. The backlash you are feeling is that from infidelity. Cheating is very painful for the abridged person. It is going to take a long time for the trust to return. In fact, it may never return. You wrote that you had financial problems before your infidelity and sex was no problem yet now it is one.
Let's be honest and put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if he had done the cheating? How would you feel, would you trust him the same way, how long would it take for you to regain trust and would you have the same attractions to him? Think about it, you said it is still a touchy subject what do you expect from him?


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