# who is this man?



## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

I have been listening to the advise received here and the last few days, whenever my ex pops into my head, i push it away and I am trying so hard to not be obsessed with him and his new gf.
smh It seems to be working, I have had a couple of good days but i havent been sleeping at night. I wake up at 3 or 4 and just cant go back to sleep.

I havent talked to him in a month. I emailed him earlier today and asked if we could talk and let go of all this back and forth and discuss our son- who he also hasnt seen or talked to in this month. Well, he did see him for 5min last friday when he came to bring his daughter her bday gift. I was hoping he could take him this weekend. He never responded! 

Who is he? I read stories on here about people in "the fog" and my gf always tells me that people change, but i know that. Even when we change though the most important things to us should still be important. Like his KIDS! Especially my son- who is the first child that he actually lived with from birth on as he had his others when he was a teenager. Who he loved and adored -or seemed to anyway when we were together. He was the best father a person could ask for but now he can just go weeks without even TALKING to his son!? His daughter called him yesterday as she lost her phone a month ago and someone found it and he hasnt even gone to get the phone yet. my car was broken but its been fixed since last week and he had the nerve to ask her why cant i go get it? UGH because friday he said he set up a time with the girl to pick it up. His daughter has always been his princess, a daddy's girl and he didnt even do anything or take her anywhere for her bday! Just stopped by for 5minutes to bring her money and when she was telling him that we went out and got her cake and the gifts she got and that she was going out later with my daughter then he goes to walgreens and brings back some balloons and a teddy bear?!

She just turned 18 and she asked me would i please get her phone this weekend and take her to the mall and she is absolutely disguisted with her father- who used to actually be her best friend. He hasnt spent any time with her in months! They used to have lunch /dinner dates, he would take her and my daughter out all the time and spend time talking to them about life and boys- the stuff dads do and now he pretty much ignores them! My son as well, and when he first left he sent me a text one day and said he feels like he is dying inside he misses his son so much and now weeks and weeks go by without you even talking to him on the phone? While he is sitting right here when your daughter calls you? all the while you are sitting there with your gf everyday and she has a child the same age as your son? when i woke up i was just laying there thinking- that little girl has her father and now my ex playing daddy and my son has ME!

how can a person change soooo much? i have been with him 7years and when WE were dating, we spent weekends with the kids just having family time. Family is important to him. or it was........

So i am up in the middle of the night, and realizing that this man I thought i knew , thought I was the closest person to, is a STRANGER to me now!
It is ironic, when he first left, he said the children would b the reason that we reconcile- since we were so involved in our children's lives and would still be around each other so much- when I think now that the children will be the reason we don't !

Well, at least i am not obsessing about his gf tonight- just what a selfish piece of sh*t he has turned into!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I feel the same way about my Stbx. She was telling me how much she loved me and didn't want to ever lose me just days before deciding I meant nothing to her. I guess its easy to abandon marital difficulties and commitment for a new, fresh, clean slate romance with none of that baggage. Easier then actually having to work on a relationship and really getting to know your spouse. Everyone knows how exhilarating and exciting it is to meet someone new and become romantically involved going through the 'getting to know' them phase. Its easy for them to forget you with that. While you don't have that option. In order to feel better about their actions they lie to themselves about what they felt for you and their history with you. 

Most of us know that 'new' feeling is short lived and at some point you have to come down to reality. Cheaters are like crack addicts. They know its the wrong thing to do, but they do it anyway because it makes them feel good. There is no defense for a cheater. No matter what your spouse did to you or how bored they were in the relationship they had a choice on how to handle it. There are very few things that hurt as much as not only finding out the one you thought loved you doesn't anymore, but that they are in the arms of someone else.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I feel the same way about my Stbx. She was telling me how much she loved me and didn't want to ever lose me just days before deciding I meant nothing to her. I guess its easy to abandon marital difficulties and commitment for a new, fresh, clean slate romance with none of that baggage. Easier then actually having to work on a relationship and really getting to know your spouse. Everyone knows how exhilarating and exciting it is to meet someone new and become romantically involved going through the 'getting to know' them phase. Its easy for them to forget you with that. While you don't have that option. In order to feel better about their actions they lie to themselves about what they felt for you and their history with you.
> 
> Most of us know that 'new' feeling is short lived and at some point you have to come down to reality. Cheaters are like crack addicts. They know its the wrong thing to do, but they do it anyway because it makes them feel good. There is no defense for a cheater. No matter what your spouse did to you or how bored they were in the relationship they had a choice on how to handle it. There are very few things that hurt as much as not only finding out the one you thought loved you doesn't anymore, but that they are in the arms of someone else.


NoWhere - couldn't have said it better myself. Spot on.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I feel the same way about my Stbx. She was telling me how much she loved me and didn't want to ever lose me just days before deciding I meant nothing to her. I guess its easy to abandon marital difficulties and commitment for a new, fresh, clean slate romance with none of that baggage. Easier then actually having to work on a relationship and really getting to know your spouse. Everyone knows how exhilarating and exciting it is to meet someone new and become romantically involved going through the 'getting to know' them phase. Its easy for them to forget you with that. While you don't have that option. In order to feel better about their actions they lie to themselves about what they felt for you and their history with you.
> 
> Most of us know that 'new' feeling is short lived and at some point you have to come down to reality. Cheaters are like crack addicts. They know its the wrong thing to do, but they do it anyway because it makes them feel good. There is no defense for a cheater. No matter what your spouse did to you or how bored they were in the relationship they had a choice on how to handle it. There are very few things that hurt as much as not only finding out the one you thought loved you doesn't anymore, but that they are in the arms of someone else.


so true, so sick

so hard to move on


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I feel the same way about my Stbx. She was telling me how much she loved me and didn't want to ever lose me just days before deciding I meant nothing to her. I guess its easy to abandon marital difficulties and commitment for a new, fresh, clean slate romance with none of that baggage. Easier then actually having to work on a relationship and really getting to know your spouse. Everyone knows how exhilarating and exciting it is to meet someone new and become romantically involved going through the 'getting to know' them phase. Its easy for them to forget you with that. While you don't have that option. In order to feel better about their actions they lie to themselves about what they felt for you and their history with you.
> 
> Most of us know that 'new' feeling is short lived and at some point you have to come down to reality. Cheaters are like crack addicts. They know its the wrong thing to do, but they do it anyway because it makes them feel good. There is no defense for a cheater. No matter what your spouse did to you or how bored they were in the relationship they had a choice on how to handle it. There are very few things that hurt as much as not only finding out the one you thought loved you doesn't anymore, but that they are in the arms of someone else.


This is exactly how my husband is. He was telling me he loved me, we have been through so much and he never wanted to lose me to he wants a divorce and is not in love with me anymore. He has been talking to other females before he left and after. I guess the thrill of the new was more important.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

It really sucks and whats worse is seeing your children's pain, sadness, and anger because of all this. My STBXH haven't hung out with our boys in almost 4 months. His idea of spending time with them is sitting on the stands and watching the boys play football. He doesn't even talk to them after the game! Just leaves. I don't get it!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

All these spouses have bad childhoods?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> All these spouses have bad childhoods?


The world is loaded with broken people who believe they can find happiness outside of themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Conrad said:


> All these spouses have bad childhoods?


I really looked into my husband's childhood and it seemed like he had the perfect family. He was popular all throughout his school years, an all star basketball player, his dad was really involved with his sports, boy scouts, school activities. His mother was involved with his school and church...so I have have no idea if his childhood affected him today. There must be something that went wrong in his perfect upbringing life. But then again, it's as simple as him being a A$$!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

spun said:


> The world is loaded with broken people who believe they can find happiness outside of themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


spun,

The other really mystifying thing is the black/white thinking.

Little children think in absolutes. White hat/black hat. You are my best friend ever! In ten minutes, we're in a fist fight because I didn't get my way.

In adulthood, this often presents as "I'll always love you" one week and the next week you are the root of everything evil.


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## hauntedsoul (Oct 16, 2012)

Conrad said:


> All these spouses have bad childhoods?


My husband did.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

hauntedsoul said:


> My husband did.


Mine too.


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## fivewastedyears (Jun 10, 2012)

Well, I guess that is what has happened here. smh. I feel bad for our children, especially my son. At first it was painful to hear him cry for his father, and now it's almost just as painful that he can see him for 5 minutes and NOT cry for him, NOT ask to go with him, NOT ask to call him- almost as if he knows that right now his father just does not care. smh
In my husbands case, he watched his mother be miserable and raise them like a single mother while his father ran around with other women and barely spent time with them. He does not even speak to his father to this day, yet he is turning into the same man his father is.
So while he is out doing who knows what, I just got in from a great evening spent with the kids having dinner and hanging out at the mall. While it seems that he gets off easy, only seeming to worry about himself while I have the home, the kids, the bills, and the hurt and frustration of being abandoned for the new carefree life he has with the OW- I am starting to really believe that I am actually much happier than he is right now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

wiigirl said:


> Mine too.


A bad childhood really messes up the emotional life of an adult.

They learn the "wrong" lessons and are often angry and unable to trust.

Those that have been abused actually learn the world is evil and have a habit of thinking of "worst case scenarios" that have to be disproven.

Deep down, they're furious with those that didn't care for them, but often take out that volatile anger on their partner.

They search and search for happiness outside themselves and intimate partners often desperately search for a means to "make this person happy"

It's not possible if they're unwilling to look within.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

fivewastedyears said:


> So while he is out doing who knows what, I just got in from a great evening spent with the kids having dinner and hanging out at the mall. While it seems that he gets off easy, only seeming to worry about himself while I have the home, the kids, the bills, and the hurt and frustration of being abandoned for the new carefree life he has with the OW- I am starting to really believe that I am actually much happier than he is right now.


Good for you, FWY!:smthumbup:

It always cracks me up when someone (they) start to realize that that grass ain't always greener over there - often times it's littered in cow pies, too!


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