# I am Married to Mr. YO YO -My husband is a binge drinker Question is ? Is he an alcoholic or Depressed ? Bipolar?



## mrs brady

I feel like I am married to two different men.

Husband A: Hard worker, devoted ( he was at the same job 30 yrs), giving, emotionally connected, gives me massages, opens the door for me, laughs a lot and is fun! In the past he had issues off and on with alcohol.

Husband B: Lost his job refuses to look for a job, ignores me, sleeps until noon and does nothing all day, straight faced, mean, nothing is his fault and says I am mean to him

He becomes this man when he has a few beers. Its like a cycle as long as he does not drink things are fine. Were talking 3-4 beers and he acts like this for a week.

Last week he was husband A. Last night he just became B again. He will be quiet and recoiled with no facial expression and will give me the silent treatment.

Then in a few days he snaps out of it and I get husband A back.
He also tries to blame me

Mrs. Brady


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## Sophia 76

i guess you should have a conversation with them to find out what they are into,


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## Andy1001

This is very difficult to read, why are you spacing your sentences like this.


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## TJW

mrs brady said:


> Do you think he is an alcoholic depressed or Bipolar.


Yes, yes, and I'm not qualified to say. 



mrs brady said:


> I am also guessing your going to tell me to take him to counseling, he wont go.


Nope. I'm going to suggest what you tell him:

"...I can't tolerate the way you are behaving. I don't care if you go to counseling, pastoral advice, doctors, or the Maharini of Gorotazglazh. Just GET IT THE HELL TOGETHER, NOW, or I AM GONE..."


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## Laurentium

mrs brady said:


> So he started acting mean and yep he had 4 I got rid of the rest of them as he had bought a 12 pack.


I am guessing that won't work. Usually you can't physically stop an alcoholic from drinking. They just turn it into a battle where you are seen as the "bad guy".

*I strongly recommend you to go to a meeting of Alanon if you can.* That's NOT the same as alcoholics anonymous, it's like a sister organisation that's support for partners of alcoholics.



mrs brady said:


> Do you think he is an alcoholic depressed or Bipolar.


I'd go with alcoholic. Alcohol is depressing anyway. He's not bipolar if the mood swings only started when he lost his job. 


mrs brady said:


> do I put two in the refrigerator daily or none?


I'd go with "none".



mrs brady said:


> Should I leave him?


Honestly that's your choice. Maybe leave if he refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem, even when he's in "husband A" mode.


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## mrs brady

TJW said:


> Yes, yes, and I'm not qualified to say.
> 
> 
> 
> Nope. I'm going to suggest what you tell him:
> 
> "...I can't tolerate the way you are behaving. I don't care if you go to counseling, pastoral advice, doctors, or the Maharini of Gorotazglazh. Just GET IT THE HELL TOGETHER, NOW, or I AM GONE..."


thank you !!!


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## Bobbyjo

mrs brady said:


> I feel like I am married to two different men.
> 
> Husband A: Hard worker, devoted ( he was at the same job 30 yrs), giving, emotionally connected, gives me massages, opens the door for me, laughs a lot and is fun! In the
> past he had issues off and on with alcohol.
> 
> Husband B: Lost his job refuses to look for a job, ignores me, sleeps until noon and does nothing all day, straight faced, mean, nothing is his fault and says I am mean to him
> He becomes this man when he has a few beers. Its like a cycle as long as he does not drink things are fine. Were talking 3-4 beers and he acts like this for a week.
> Last week he was husband A. Last night he just became B again. He will be quiet and recoiled with no facial expression and will give me the silent treatment.
> Then in a few days he snaps out of it and I get husband A back.
> He has been out of work for 5 months and he has never looked for a job. I think he lives in Fantasy land.
> When there is no beer for a week he is wow and acts like he has himself together and says he is going to find a job. Last night he had 4 beers (IPA 9%) he was a
> different person. Mean,combative,threatening, and felt sorry for himself saying I blame everything on him. Today he wont talk to me. He will stone wall me for a few
> days and then all of a sudden be husband A.
> 
> I think he is depressed because he was knocked off his feet when his company closed after 30 yrs. I get it. His severance has run out and he is on unemployment and
> I am working making good money. He may just need time, but I can not handle the mood changes. I can not handle the sleep until noon and have a nice brunch and
> sit on his butt and never do a thing. He does nothing but smoke expensive cigars, watch tv and play Willy Wonka or Poker Games on his phone. Everyday. I do not
> buy beer, when he does now I am seeing a pattern he drinks 4 or 5 and tells me 1 an hour that is normal. I told him no 2 period because would he drink 4 or 5 sodas
> no. He is trying to drown his sorrows I get it. He has a history of this with hard alcohol, In the past he has done this with long periods of sober in
> in between. He can go for weeks without any alcohol. Before he only had issue with hard stuff and could easily have a few beers and be fine. Its most likely because
> he is having excessive. I know alcoholics can not judge how many is too many. Yesterday when he bought some, after a week without any. I said please have just two
> at three your mean. So he started acting mean and yep he had 4 I got rid of the rest of them as he had bought a 12 pack. I told him you can not have alcohol if you
> want to live with me.
> 
> So please help. Here are my questions, do I put two in the refrigerator daily or none?
> Do you think he is an alcoholic depressed or Bipolar.
> I am guessing its all three. I am also guessing your going to tell me to take him to counseling, he wont go.
> Should I leave him>? Should I do anything to help?
> 
> Mrs. Brady


Sounds like a prolonged problem and that you are at the end of your rope. If you have kids together, I can see the effort in you trying to keep things together. But if you don’t have children...maybe it’s time to draw your line in the sand. Living with an alcoholic is not pleasant. It creates disharmony and tension. Can you keep going like this forever? How do you feel now and what’s waiting for you on the other side of that? You obviously have feelings for him, but you deserve peace too. Tough situation. Just know this the only person you can control is you and your reactions. You are not responsible to dictate how many beers he should or shouldn’t have. The problem seems to lies in how you feel with the way he treats you when he’s drunk.


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## mrs brady

mrs brady said:


> thank you !!!


Today I will get the silent treatment and he will be mad because the beer is gone. Its so ridiculous. Its almost funny, not funny. I say that because its robotic it happens every time. I believe Doctors call this Stonewalling. The bigger problem is me, because I keep tolerating it over and over. I realize I need to break the cycle, by saying see ya! Seriously by tomorrow he will talk to me again, the next day he will act like nothing happened. Today I am actually calling his bluff. He said if I didnt return the beers he would destroy my veggie garden I planted yesterday. Very child like. The man is over 50. shaking my head. I have wanted to leave before, but financially things got in the way. We have a house I need to sell, I will start taking steps to make that happen. Then go my way.


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## Bobbyjo

Well Mrs.Brady it’s like they say...”you teach others how to treat you”. His behaviour is definitely childish and it sounds like he gets something out of wallowing in his own self pity. Anyway...like I mentioned it before...it’s not your job to monitor his drinking. I’ve learned that people find something to control when they have no control of their own lives. Good luck to you and I hope he can heal in a healthy way.


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## EleGirl

@mrs brady,

I edited your first post to make it easier to read. You will get more people giving you input that way.


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## EleGirl

mrs brady said:


> I feel like I am married to two different men.
> 
> Husband A: Hard worker, devoted ( he was at the same job 30 yrs), giving, emotionally connected, gives me massages, opens the door for me, laughs a lot and is fun! In the past he had issues off and on with alcohol.
> 
> Husband B: Lost his job refuses to look for a job, ignores me, sleeps until noon and does nothing all day, straight faced, mean, nothing is his fault and says I am mean to him


So what did the husband A/B do that got him fired?


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## mrs brady

His company closed, they offered him another position out of state but he refused.


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## TealDaisy

Look up substance induced mood disorder. My husband was diagnosed with it, and it seems to fit here too.


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## Mark Anthony

Your husband has an addiction to beers, but deep down he knows that this is bad. He is addicted and can't resist drinking beer, but when he does, he feels intense guilt that he did that.
Most likely he has a strong internal conscience, so he gets depressed after he drinks because he doesn't see himself as an alcoholic and doesn't want to be seen as an alcoholic by his family.
He has an addiction to beer but can't fight it, and when he realizes that the bottle defeated has him, he is plunged into a depression. How could he, a serious man, allow this to happen?
He is not himself when depressed. Then after a while he gets tired of being in this mental state, and immediately gets back into normal active state. This happy life continues until the next drinking episode.
You need to remove the bottle. But don't talk to him about this when he is in state B, when he is depressed. Only talk to him about it when he is in state A, when he is the good man.
Before a problem can be fixed it must be recognized and understood. But a problem should be considered only when one is in the right state of mind. Brining up the problem when he is in the wrong state of mind will make things worse, so just be careful of that.


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## ScottL

I think that Mark Anthony had some good things to say.
Alcoholism is often a Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde disease. And yes it is a mental dis-ease.
There are things in his own thought patterns that he cannot rectify. Very often people have to reach a real bottom before they will address the real issues.
They are unable to recognize there are other issues. He wants to do the right thing but all the pressures he puts on himself make him want to numb it out for a while and forget it. 
This makes it worse. And the cycle will most likely repeat and get worse unless he gets some help.

I know this because I have been there. Alcohol is not the problem it is a symptom of the problem.

As humans, we are usually brought up with the idea that our problems are coming from outside of us. We will point to everything else to defer blame.
But we know deep down that our choices are not made by anyone but ourselves. So when we feel this there is a conflict between two parts of us and they start fighting each other.
So when he blames you, it has nothing to do with you. It is just how his mind has been trained to think. 
Just as you can not blame him for how you feel. Only you can choose how you feel. 

This is where becoming aware of our programming, our judgments, our thoughts are important. 
You can start this work yourself. You will be amazed at how it will change how you view your exterior and interior worlds.
When he is not drinking, you can invite him to join you. Or you can introduce him to some concepts. 

Don't have any expectations though. You can never change another person. They must do it themself. 
If he joins you or not you will be better off. 

Good Journeys.


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