# Finally Leaving



## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm finally going to leave. I had a talk with the husband yesterday about his controlling, manipulating behavior. He admitted to it but told me he only did it when "I was being that way". He also told me I was reading into things too much and taking everything personally. Text book crap. I told him how horrible he made me feel about myself and he said that wasn't the intent, but when I asked him what the intent was he wouldn't answer. 

I found a place to rent this morning, three guys, two single dads. I will be able to take my dog with me and have internet and cable and play space for my kids for only $300 a month! 

I'm so scared right now, I'm trying to work up the nerve to tell him. I'm afraid of how he'll react, of feeling guilty, what his family will say. However, I've decided that I need to stop worrying about everyone else's feelings and focus on my own. 
I'll let everyone know how it goes.


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## Cinta (Dec 29, 2010)

I wish you well.


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## putwhittynamehere (Dec 7, 2010)

Are you going to be living with these men?


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Only in a roommate situation. They all have girlfriends and have their kids either full or part-time. There are limited options in our town for single parents who can't afford their own place. Hopefully I can find something bigger on my own in a few months. 
No, I don't know any of them personally nor am I looking to have any kind of romantic relationship with them.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I am really sorry it has come to this. Although I totally understand why you feel you must. His blameshifting amazes me. He admits to being controlling and manipulative, but it's YOUR fault. He owns nothing. I think he's a big fat liar when he says it's not his intent to make you feel horrible about yourself. How else can HE make YOU change if he doesn't make you feel horrible about yourself? How else can he keep you under control if he doesn't make you feel horrible about yourself? 
I'm sure you ARE afraid. I would be too. It takes courage to make any kind of change. The "mom" in me wants to caution you about living with anyone you don't know (that would include women as well) but you're a big girl...you don't need me to "mom" you, lol. 
I learned that fear will keep you trapped. I learned that the hard way. 
I'm encouraged to see that you're trying to not stress what his family is going to think. They don't have to live with him. I hope that everything turns out for the best for you.


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## Pinkpanther (Dec 17, 2010)

Good luck. I hope everything goes ok. Let us know how you go on x


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks guys. 
Yeah Misfit, I was stunned. To admit you're doing it and then make it my fault?? I was over it at that point. He won't hear the line "I love you but I'm not in love you". I don't love him, in fact I don't even like him anymore. When he's in his pathetic states I can almost feel sorry for him but then the ******* comes out and I want to smack him. I'm telling him tomorrow night after his kids go home. I'm leaving my kids with their dad tomorrow. It's going to be bad, I know that already. Part of me hates knowing I'm going to be pulling the world out from under him but I hate what he's done to me more. 

Roommate situations can be scary. I had my friend come with me for a second opinion though and I think it will be ok. If it's not it will at least give me time to find another place while getting out of a miserable situation. I'm to the point where I don't care what anyone else thinks. I want my kids and I to be happy. For too many years I've put other people's needs before mine and I'm done with it. 
Thanks for all your support guys and I'll keep you updated. 
(I got a storage unit today so another step down) Yay!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Wishing you the best. I know you must be scared but I hope you will also allow yourself some excitement over the possibilities that are ahead and at having the courage to take steps forward to a better life for you and your children. $300 is a steal in any real estate market for rent. Hopefully, you'll find you have a lot in common with your new roomies and can support one another.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Kinda of reminds me of three's company only 2 guy and 1 girl.If you say there a female land lord named Roper I think I'd ****. Lol

all kidding aside sounds like your getting you ducks in a row Good luck.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Today's the day. I'm telling him tonight after his girls go back home. My kids are with their dad, who is even going to help me move stuff. I have a lot of support but I don't know if that's going to make it any easier. Right now I just want to get it over with. He shouldn't have to ask why I'm leaving, I've told him dozens of times. I can still see him telling everyone that he just doesn't understand. 

My big worry is his drinking, that he'll start up and get out of control. My counselor says I need to tell him that he can stay if he remains reasonable and sober but that if he doesn't I am to call the cops. At this point I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted, I just want to get it out so I can breathe easier. Not eating and not sleeping coupled with the emotions have made me a walking wreck. I have so much I need to do and I all I can do is sit here this morning. 
Thanks again everyone for your words of encouragement. Although I feel for people who get their hearts broken when the person they love leaves, I also feel for everyone who has agonized over the decision to leave and have taken that step. It's very hard all the way around.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I do not know your whole situation, but good for you! I hope all goes ok. I'm sure it wont be easy, and I'm all for trying to work things out however, its good to see people who finally have come to the conclusion that sometimes people do not change, and only you can change you, and that you now know what you will and will not put up with anymore. Yes, that sometimes means removing yourself from a situation.

I see so many people stay in unhealthy situations because they love their spouse or have a history or kids, etc, and while there might be some truth to it, it still isn't always the best choice to stay. People need to stop excusing in excusable behavior, whether you love them have kids with them or a history with them. 

Good luck, hope all goes well.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Well, it was a horrible day. There is no easy way to tell someone you want a divorce. He broke down into sobs, asked if there was any hope, could we go to counseling etc. It killed me, felt like my heart was being ripped out along with his. I know I did the right thing but it hurts so much to hurt someone you used to love with all your heart. 

He surprised me, he admitted he is a lot more like his father than he wants to admit, that it was his fault that things ended up this way. I told him that there were many factors that came into our marriage and that I know he was trying to love me but the way he went about it only hurt me. I said I wanted him to get help so he could feel good enough about himself that he could love someone the right way. 

He wants to pay for the divorce, he offered to give me money every month for a while, which I turned down. I will let him pay for the divorce, if only to get it over with as fast as possible. I hope this isn't all too good to be true and that he'll wake up and be really angry with me. 

I know this is the right thing to do, hopefully I can make it through the next few days without losing it. I'm fine till he starts to cry and then I lose it too. I'm just too sensitive to other people's emotions. Even though he's been an ass for almost six years I still feel terrible hurting him. I've been there and I know how much it hurts and how long it takes to recover. At least we don't have kids together so it's not going to be complicated. Anyway, I'll keep you updated. I'm praying the worst part is over.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi Iv'e just done the same he is a mess in tears blaming himself but this is the third time Iv'e left, went back to give him the benifit of the doubt. needless to say things stayed more or less the same , I have been gone a month ,he want to meet up and talk but I don't as when he cries and begs it shatteres my nerves , I know it will never work. You need to stick to your guns and look forward ,you will get moments of sadness about your loss and of course his loss, but you will move on as long as you don't allow him to talk you round. I too have no kids with him or house nothing so just got my stuff and went . 

I think you are very brave it's a long haul and prob won't be over quickly there may be contact but people have told me to not speak , change my number and definitely do not meet up .

This is the way forward If you truly have made your mind up and want the divorce to go through good luck and stay brave find the fighting spirit it carries you forward. x


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Well, it was a horrible day. There is no easy way to tell someone you want a divorce. He broke down into sobs, asked if there was any hope, could we go to counseling etc. It killed me, felt like my heart was being ripped out along with his. I know I did the right thing but it hurts so much to hurt someone you used to love with all your heart.
> 
> He surprised me, he admitted he is a lot more like his father than he wants to admit, that it was his fault that things ended up this way. I told him that there were many factors that came into our marriage and that I know he was trying to love me but the way he went about it only hurt me. I said I wanted him to get help so he could feel good enough about himself that he could love someone the right way.
> 
> ...


I'm truly sorry that he's yanking at your heart strings this way. He's likely to pull every trick in the book to get you to stay. Unfortunately it usually takes more than someone leaving (or threatening to) to facilitate real change. 
I'm wishing you strength, peace and happiness.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I know he feels terrible but I'm just done, I've cried so much in the last two days my poor face is chapped. He's asked several times today if there's anything he can do. I told him I had to be honest with him, even if he got angry and decided not to be so cooperative. I'm not going to lead him on. He's doing that enough on his own.

Tonight he finished half a bottle of vodka and some wine, he could barely stand. I feel for him but that is ridiculous, my kids were here tonight because their dad couldn't take them. He hit on me for two hours and wouldn't stop going on about how beautiful I am, how much he loved me etc. Then he snapped at me a couple of times. How is this helping anyone? I thought I could get everything out by tomorrow night but I think it might take another day. At least when he's sober he's sad but not obnoxious. 

My kids are sad, especially my daughter but now he's trying to find every excuse to keep himself in my life. My kids can still talk to him if they want and I know his daughter and my daughter are good friends. I, on the other hand, am not going to keep dealing with the constant guilt trip to appease everyone else. He says they can still come over after school if they need to. Fine, whatever, but I'll be picking them up before he gets home. My guilt is starting to turn into anger and annoyance. 

Is it selfish of me to want a clean break, at least for now? Like I said, it's fine if the kids want to talk to him or hang out with their step-siblings occasionally but I feel like I'm being manipulated once again. 

You're right Misfit, he's trying every trick he can. He's being soooo nice about everything, taking the blame, offering me money etc. I have a feeling when he figures out that I mean business he will turn back into the jerk I am choosing to divorce. I'm going to my attorney tomorrow to put down the retainer, before the stbx can make things really difficult.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

NO..it's not selfish of you to want a clean break. That's the only break imho. The only one that works. I agree with you 100% that he's likely to turn into a jerk when he realizes his attempts to manipulate you back aren't working. Please be on your guard once he finds out that you've filed.


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## Cinta (Dec 29, 2010)

I went through the same thing five years ago. Stick to your guns. Misfit and Kendra are right, if you've been threatening it for ages and he hasn't listened, he isn't REALLY going to now.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm going to the lawyer tomorrow to put down the retainer. He let me transfer some extra money into my account, which he's NOT on, thank God. My school loan money came in today and I almost danced. Now I'm able to pay rent for this month and next, buy the things I'll need for my new place and put money down for the attorney.

I'm just so over it, I can't wait to get out of here. I can't move into the house till tomorrow so one more night. My sympathy has plum run out at this point. My daughter is still upset and I'm finding myself trying not to get snippy with her. I understand she is upset but I'm so relieved this is finally done that I want everyone to be as relieved as I am! He was always nice to her so it's different. My son is so excited that he's asking for a countdown till we're at the new house, lol. 

I'm having him sign the title to my car tonight, while he's still being nice about things and then hiding it. I'll go transfer the title tomorrow. Ugh, so so over this and it's only day three!


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks Misfit, you've been the voice of sanity in my head through this.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Thanks Misfit, you've been the voice of sanity in my head through this.


Thank you for giving me the credit, but I think ALL the credit goes to you. I am happy that you're looking forward to this. That tells me a lot about your situation. The future is going to be wide open for you!!!! 
Have you made copies of *everything*? The deed to the house, financial statements, etc. He might not be willing to cough that stuff up once he gets served. 
I am sorry that your daughter is having difficulty with this. I'd pay some extra attention listening to her right now. I know you've got a lot on your plate, just scooch everything over and make room for that as well. 
I hope you'll stay in touch with us here and let us know how you're doing....*hug*

And given where your heart lies, I hope you spend some time on you. Stay with the counseling, please.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Aww thanks! I am almost amazed at how happy and relieved I am to be leaving. You're right, it must have been weighing on me more than I even realized. 

Today was better in that I didn't see him very much and when I got home tonight he kept it together. I can see him getting slightly less cooperative as the days go by. I had him sign the car over to me tonight. I think the anger will set in soon. I didn't have any tears to shed today and I think that bothered him. I'm just very frazzled right now with trying to move and get everything in order. I can't focus on him right now. 

I'm going to stick with the counseling and work on taking care of myself and having some fun in the process. I will definitely stick around and chime in when I can! I'll keep you guys updated as well. I'm praying this stays civil, easy and fast.


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