# Sh¡t tests and fitness tests.



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Been reading NMMNG and MMSP. Good reading and have been slowly implementing things. Also been more active and losing weight. 
The sh¡t tests and fitness tests for me are very hard to detect. I must be betaized as I just don't see them.
What are some of the sh¡t and fitness test other readers have come across? A list would be very helpful along with a brief scenario of how it played out. So guys, please help out.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Wife complained she wanted time away from kids. I had a turkey hunt planned for weekend, so I took them along. Got to destination 90 miles away, was not there more than .5 hour & she calls and says "I'm lonely, can you and the kids come home" I told her I promised them cheeseburgers & playing pool if they were quiet, so we would finish hunting & be home after supper.

You mean there is never a time when she says something and you just have to say WTF? to yourself?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I see your point. I've been out installing a kitchen and she's text asking if I can drop off my daughter somewhere. I told her sure.... In about 5-6 hrs, when I'm done here. She said never mind then.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I was looking for some of the more subtle ones that come up. I work at home a lot and seem to get a fair amount of interuptions. I guess they could be seen as tests when she could take care of them herself?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

thenub said:


> I was looking for some of the more subtle ones that come up. I work at home a lot and seem to get a fair amount of interuptions. I guess they could be seen as tests when she could take care of them herself?


O man, that brings up memories. I am a IT guy & work from home on occasion. While working from home during 8-5, she comes in to my office & asks me to make the kids sandwiches. I said "I'm paid to be working, you wouldn't expect me to drive home from office to make sandwiches, I'M WORKING." I've always done my best to provide & care for wife & family. Don't know why they gotta keep poking the bear.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I think it just comes down to how you respond.

Be considerate of her feelings and be willing to do things to help her, but don't bend over backwards to try to please her and don't be afraid when she gets mad.

And do things on your own when you feel like doing it. Never ask her for "permission" to do anything. 

They might not want to admit it but women love it when men are unpredictable.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

thenub said:


> Been reading NMMNG and MMSP. Good reading and have been slowly implementing things. Also been more active and losing weight.


All good. Keep it up.


> The sh¡t tests and fitness tests for me are very hard to detect. I must be betaized as I just don't see them.
> What are some of the sh¡t and fitness test other readers have come across? A list would be very helpful along with a brief scenario of how it played out. So guys, please help out.


Just a quick clarification here: We are sometimes in danger of coming to the conclusion that Alpha=Good, Beta=Bad. This might be true for single men but it isn't for married men.

My take out from MMSLP was about Leadership. Husband's have to actively lead their families and marriages; it makes our wives feel secure and safe. Secondly, we were all clearly alpha enough to get our wives to commit to us, we sometimes let that side slide in marriage.

I realised that in the home I now play three roles - Husband, father and horny boyfriend. I like horny boyfriend. My wife loves horny boyfriend. Horny boyfriend stopped telling her she was pretty and kept reminding her she's sexy. He can sexualise the most innocuous comment. He's fun, unpredictable and reserved just for her.

We have to be _both_ Alpha (attractive) and Beta (bonding) in a marriage:

Good Alpha: Leadership, decisive, etc
Bad Alpha: A**hole, bad communicator
Good Beta: Behaviour that strengthens bonds. Our son thinks I'm the funniest man alive (he's not very worldly). I can fill our house with the sound of his laughter. This puts me at the head of the queue with no competitors of "Men my wife wants to have around her child". It won't get me laid but it does keep us bonded.
Bad Beta: Being a doormat

Which brings us to fitness tests. The only way to pass fitness tests is by not taking them. The way to recognise them is simply when our normally reasonable wives become unreasonable. Whatever you do, don't pander to her unreasonableness. They are tests of our mettle. Either:

1. Laugh it off (best strategy)
2. Tell her she's being unreasonable and walk off. To debate unreasonable behaviour is to fail the test.
3. Change the rules of the test

My greatest fitness test pass happened early on in our relationship. My wive is passionate - which has an upside and a downside. We were having an argument and she was so furious (I had a huge part to play in that) she picked up something and threw it at me. As I dodged it, I knew a few things

1. This was a throw back to her previous relationship and totally out of my realms of experience.
2. This was a game. She throws things and I dance to her tune - literally and metaphorically
3. It had to stop - talking to her about it later "Baby, it's hurtful when you chuck things at me" would be weak
4. So I had to come up with a master plan

So I dodged the first two things she threw and then stood there and let the third (smallish) object bounce off my head. And then very calmly I said "Don't do that again". And she never has since. I changed the rules of her test. We were playing a new game. Will you still throw things at me if I don't move or even flinch? Not a game she wanted to play.

As I said the only way to pass fitness tests is to not take them (on our wives terms).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you read the thread here?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Nice one Deejo, I was looking for that. It's a great thread. Loads of good contributions but I found those of BigBadWolf particularly helpful.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lila said:


> Maybe your wife doesn't throw out sh1t tests or fitness tests? :scratchhead:
> 
> Believe it or not, not all women do this. I don't (confirmed by the husband) and I can't relate to women who do this on a constant basis. Maybe your wife is one of the women who can communicate her needs without playing games.


Says the alpha in her marriage ...

My experience?

Most women aren't aware of it.

And ...

Most men can't see it.

Everybody plays games. Some people just don't know they are in them, or what the rules are.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You feel safe in your relationship with your husband, and love him?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Sh¡t tests and fitness tests.*



Lila said:


> Yes, I do.....even when the relationship is rocky.


Then there is no real reason for sh!t testing him.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife doesn't pull fitness tests often. It's extremely rare.

They use to be more common, and she, the sweetest woman EVER, was totally unaware. But I wasn't.

You know what killed the habit? Recognizing the tests and telling her, every single time, "I don't do tests and I don't play games". She got it eventually. Pushing past the attempts to test really only aided in our communication and helped us get really good at getting to the root of the "why" behind the need to test.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

thenub said:


> Been reading NMMNG and MMSP. Good reading and have been slowly implementing things. Also been more active and losing weight.
> The sh¡t tests and fitness tests for me are very hard to detect. I must be betaized as I just don't see them.
> What are some of the sh¡t and fitness test other readers have come across? A list would be very helpful along with a brief scenario of how it played out. So guys, please help out.


The good news is that you don't have to recognize every tests and you don't need to be hypersensitive looking for tests either. You just have to defend yourself when you don't like how you're treated. Especially by those closest to you. 

My opinion? You know when you're being minimized, disrespected, antagonized.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't get it. If I ask H to do something it's because I want him to do what it is. If he said no, thinking it was a test I would be upset. If he said yes, I would feel loved.
When he says no, for whatever reason, I feel unloved. Acts of service is my biggest LL.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't get it. If I ask H to do something it's because I want him to do what it is. If he said no, thinking it was a test I would be upset. If he said yes, I would feel loved.
> When he says no, for whatever reason, I feel unloved. Acts of service is my biggest LL.


There is a difference between asking your husband to do a task, that would be challenging or acknowledging that he is better suited to, rather than asking him to do a task for no other reason than you don't feel like it, and are curious to see if you can get him to do it.

Not all requests fall into the sh!t test category. 

"Why do I always have to remind you to take out the trash?"

When the reality is that you never remind him, you're just annoyed that he forgot and you are frustrated that you had to do it ... that's a sh!t test.

If he agrees with you and apologizes, he has just tacitly set the stage that your thinking he is irresponsible and accepts your criticism. 

In it's most simple of descriptions, a sh!t test is either a conscious or unconscious effort on your part to establish the fact that your beliefs, needs, or wants, are always more important than his. And the more he behaves in a manner that minimizes his own independence, boundaries, or social value into question, the more likely it is that a woman will continue to sh!t test him. AKA 'exactly how much sh!t will he take from me?'


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Hmmm well then I guess I am the one being sh*t tested. I don't ask for things I don't actually want. If I'm mad I tell him and explain why. But him, back when things were really bad he would make me do anything and everything he could think of.

Even now that things are better he asks for a million things that he could do himself but asks me to do it instead. I get the feeling it's to assert his dominance because he does it more when I push back for equal control. 

So I guess there's your example of a man sh*t testing. I've never really thought of it as 'tests' just him being a jerk. 
Maybe that's why it's not heard of as much in men. Women are thought of as being manipulative and not saying what we mean while men are thought of as being straight forward *which I disagree with BTW*. 

So what is a manipulative test when a women does it, it's just being a jerk/selfish when a man does?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't get it. If I ask H to do something it's because I want him to do what it is. If he said no, thinking it was a test I would be upset. If he said yes, I would feel loved.
> When he says no, for whatever reason, I feel unloved. Acts of service is my biggest LL.


**** tests are long gone in my marriage. But when I was young and immature, I definitely did this. It is like being a needy child

show me you love me
show me you love me 
show me you love me
show me you love me

which was stupid because he was. Just not by cow towing to me. I finally grew up and realized that my own neediness was bad for my OWN feelings. is behavior helped me grow up.

Now I helped him grow up in a bunch of ways too. But none of them are appropriate to this thread.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thread has been cleaned up. If OP still wishes to remove it, simply delete your first post.

If you have further questions, ask away.

You asked for 'subtle' examples. Here's a classic that I remember was posted here:
"I hate that you load the dishwasher wrong. You don't know how to do it."

That ... is a full blown passive aggressive sh!t test. Rather than being thankful that you are helping in the first place, and the dishes are going to get clean regardless of how the hell they go in the dishwasher, your spouse/partner chooses to take a swipe at you instead.

So? How would you respond?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frankly, are there books for women like this? Because I like SGC, feel that I am being s...ed. You guys here make me feel like only women do this, and I resent that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Frankly, are there books for women like this? Because I like SGC, feel that I am being s...ed. You guys here make me feel like only women do this, and I resent that.


I would not agree that only women do this.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You asked for 'subtle' examples. Here's a classic that I remember was posted here:
> "I hate that you load the dishwasher wrong. You don't know how to do it."
> 
> That ... is a full blown passive aggressive sh!t test. Rather than being thankful that you are helping in the first place, and the dishes are going to get clean regardless of how the hell they go in the dishwasher, your spouse/partner chooses to take a swipe at you instead.
> ...


I have a few responses to this (as a woman)

1. It does matter how the dishes are put in. Sometimes placing things a certain way will make them not clean properly (say you block the top, put bowls the wrong side up where the water will gather, not puzzle them in to get a full load therefore having to leave dishes not done, not rinsing some stuff off first, I can think of a lot of examples or 'wrong') 

and 

2. Wanting to be thanked for helping, to me, is like saying it was MY job that you were nice enough to help me with. Unless he is equally thankful every time she does the dishes or the dishes are part of her 50% of the chores that he took over for the day, doing a chore you should be doing anyway -and doing it poorly on top of it- and expecting thanks for it like you just saved the day is, well....if she's annoyed it might not be a sh*t test. It might just be annoyed. 


Why is it assumed that he's not just doing the dishes wrong and she hates it and is telling him so? Shouldn't that option be looked at first before thinking it's a test?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have a few responses to this (as a woman)
> 
> 1. It does matter how the dishes are put in. Sometimes placing things a certain way will make them not clean properly (say you block the top, put bowls the wrong side up where the water will gather, not puzzle them in to get a full load therefore having to leave dishes not done, not rinsing some stuff off first, I can think of a lot of examples or 'wrong')
> 
> ...


So basically ... she's just annoyed?

If you want to b!tch at me about how I load the dishwasher, than I'm presuming it has little or nothing to do with how I load the dishwasher. Else ... you wouldn't be b!tching about it.

You'd show me. You'd make a joke, you'd point out that knives go in blade down, forks go in tines down so that you dont reach in and gash yourself.

I can think of a lot of examples where the delivery doesn't have to be critical or an attack on your partners competence.

And if it is posited as I'm being incompetent, and I acquiesce and apologize, then what message have I just reinforced for you?


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_I have a few responses to this (as a woman)_

I have one response (as a man):

Don't like the way I do It? Do it yourself.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

NobodySpecial said:


> I would not agree that only women do this.


I still contend that there can be subtle differences between a sh!t test, and flat out disrespect or boundary crossing.

In the context that passing a sh!t test, usually makes a female partner feel more at ease, I have a hard time thinking that this plays out with men.

If a man is sh!t testing you, I'm under the belief that he's just being an ass ... or isn't being up-front about whatever it is that is bothering him.

Can one of you ladies open such a thread in the Ladies Lounge? I'm genuinely curious about this.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I still contend that there can be subtle differences between a sh!t test, and flat out disrespect or boundary crossing.
> 
> In the context that passing a sh!t test, usually makes a female partner feel more at ease, I have a hard time thinking that this plays out with men.
> 
> ...


Yea I agree gender usually matters with this topic. Tests are often driven by the need to feel safe. Failing the test makes the tester feel unsafe and therefore resentful.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> So basically ... she's just annoyed?
> 
> If you want to b!tch at me about how I load the dishwasher, than I'm presuming it has little or nothing to do with how I load the dishwasher. Else ... you wouldn't be b!tching about it.
> 
> ...


I don't know. I'm a direct person. If I hate the way you load the dishwasher and it's annoying me, I'll say I hate the way you load the dishwasher. I'm annoyed. It doesn't mean anything other than what I said. If he said "sorry, I won't do that next time" I'd think "Good. Problem solved." and move on. I wouldn't think anything about his manhood. 
Now if she said "you're such a stupid idiot, can't you load a dishwasher right?!!" then it would show me that the woman was lacking respect for her man and him saying "yes dear" would be bad for him.

But all -most- women just aren't as manipulative as some people think. A lot of women just say what they mean and mean what they say. It's no wonder communication gets so messed up if people are looking into hidden meanings that might not even be there. 

I can start a thread in LL though. I didn't realize this was men's when I first posted.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't know. I'm a direct person. If I hate the way you load the dishwasher and it's annoying me, I'll say I hate the way you load the dishwasher. I'm annoyed. It doesn't mean anything other than what I said. If he said "sorry, I won't do that next time" I'd think "Good. Problem solved." and move on. I wouldn't think anything about his manhood.


To me the problem with the above hypothetical exchange is the conclusion.

H: Sorry, I won't do that next time.
W: Good. Problem solved.

To me that's a hell no moment. You don't get to tell me you are annoyed at the way I chose to load a dishwasher, how much you hate it, and the expected result is an apology and promise to do it your way next time.

If that's the way you come at me, my knee jerk reaction is going to be "then load it your damn self". I'm not responding to rudeness, masked as frankness, with kowtow promises to do it your way.

That reeks of a test to me, and I'm one who doesn't tend to see fitness tests behind every door, lurking at every window.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

BWBill said:


> _I have a few responses to this (as a woman)_
> 
> I have one response (as a man):
> 
> Don't like the way I do It? Do it yourself.


so, that's the only option? We can not tell man how to do things, that there might be a better way? Is this that offensive? Are we supposed to keep queiet and re-load the dishwasher after midnight, like with a child? 

This really sounds like "woman is nagging again", while man states his preferences...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Let's all argue for 10 more pages about loading dish washers :smthumbup:.

I learned from my first marriage that we teach people how to treat us. That's not a good thing when we allow others to act pissy about dinky non-issues like loading of the dishwasher or allow them to b!tch about 20 extra feet because there was a closer parking spot. That's the path to disaster and a partner who resents you and they don't even know why exactly they resent you.

It's seems unfair on the surface that my wife now is ten times the woman my ex was yet my ex got away with ten times more. But look below the surface and what it really means is that I'm a better man now and that's why I have a better woman. Truthfully, my ex would have been a lot better partner had I stepped up then but I'm glad I didn't looking back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thundarr said:


> I learned from my first marriage that we teach people how to treat us. That's not a good thing when we allow others to act pissy about dinky non-issues like loading of the dishwasher or allow them to b!tch about 20 extra feet because there was a closer parking spot. That's the path to disaster and a partner who resents you and they don't even know why exactly they resent you.


I accept that folks on both sides of the gender divide can't get their head around sh!t tests.

But this? This is concise, practical, and 100 percent truth. That is an excellent post, Thundarr.

Choose the hill you want to die on. And choose well.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I guess, I've been **** tested and fit testedm throughout my twenty years relationship. Funny, I even said in one of my posts, that I had always felt like I needed to pass another test.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Huh. We've had the dishwasher argument, and it's never been a sh!t test.

The wife does it wrong. Plain and simple, as in impedes the operation of the device and/or breaks it over time. You don't cantilever heavy objects in the front of the top rack and you don't keep the spinning sprayer from moving by placing tall items in its path.

Now am I a bad husband for pointing this out? That mechanical devices have to be operated properly to do their job and to last their fully expected lifetime? Where I fail in this exchange is that I'm usually pretty reasonable the first time I mention it, but expect logical reasoning to result in a fast learning curve that doesn't require repetition, so I get short the second and third and subsequent times I have the conversation. Because, in the end, I'm the schmuck who will have to repair the thing in the future - and no, that's not some hypothetical future, that's a been-there-done-that past. 

But a sh!t test? It's never been about that. Sometimes a cigar in the dishwasher is just a cigar.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cletus said:


> Huh. We've had the dishwasher argument, and it's never been a sh!t test.
> 
> The wife does it wrong. Plain and simple, as in impedes the operation of the device and/or breaks it over time. You don't cantilever heavy objects in the front of the top rack and you don't keep the spinning sprayer from moving by placing tall items in its path.
> 
> ...


Should have put a lot more meat on the bones of my dishwasher analogy, I suppose.

In THAT particular case, the point was ... that the dishwasher wasn't the point. It was just a vehicle for this particular woman to continue to take the opportunity to 'test' how her husband would respond. And his responses, only continued to erode her respect for him, rather than buoy it up.

And I believe you Cletus. She's absolutely doing it wrong.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Should have put a lot more meat on the bones of my dishwasher analogy, I suppose.
> 
> In THAT particular case, the point was ... that the dishwasher wasn't the point. It was just a vehicle for this particular woman to continue to take the opportunity to 'test' how her husband would respond. And his responses, only continued to erode her respect for him, rather than buoy it up.
> 
> And I believe you Cletus. She's absolutely doing it wrong.


Oh, I understood your meaning. I just didn't want every person reading the forum to go home and say "Hey! That thing you did last night? That was a shi!t test!". The over-analyze everything crowd and I would really get on each other's nerves.

So I win the argument at home? Cool. Winning arguments is what really makes for marital bliss.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Oh come on, Everyone knows the only proper way to "fold" a towel is to twist it into a tight rope and tie it in a overhand knot.
MN


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Oh come on, Everyone knows the only proper way to "fold" a towel is to twist it into a tight rope and tie it in a overhand knot.
> MN


Actually its to spin it into a rat tail and smack your partner in the ass when they sh!ttest you.....


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jaquen said:


> To me the problem with the above hypothetical exchange is the conclusion.
> 
> H: Sorry, I won't do that next time.
> W: Good. Problem solved.
> ...


But this is just adding a fight where there doesn't need to be one. It's ego, being defensive, and not being able to admit when you're wrong. 
What does that solve? 

I get the knee jerk reaction, just last night we had to fix a pipe. I was the only one who could fit in the space so he kept complaining - loudly- that I was doing it wrong. I wanted to tell him to go F himself and to figure out how to do it himself then. But he was stressed, so was I. He wanted it done right and he knew how to do it, I didn't. So we took a little break to breathe and I asked him to show me again and I did it. Big blow out fight avoided, issue got solved and we hugged it out afterwards with apologies on both ends for getting upset. 

Sometimes people get emotional, stressed, rude even, when they are expressing a need or request. It doesn't necessarily mean she is testing your manhood or even that they are wrong or unreasonable.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But this is just adding a fight where there doesn't need to be one. It's ego, being defensive, and not being able to admit when you're wrong.
> What does that solve?


But it's not about being wrong or needing to be corrected.

Like my mother use to say, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. Correcting a legitimate mistake loading a dishwasher is nothing. Telling me "I hate the way you load the dishwasher, it annoys me" is another. That might fly with some, but hell no, something inside of me will not allow me to be talked to like that.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> complaining - loudly- that I was doing it wrong. I wanted to tell him to go F himself and to figure out how to do it himself then. But he was stressed, so was I. He wanted it done right and he knew how to do it, I didn't. So we took a little break to breathe and I asked him to show me again and I did it. Big blow out fight avoided, issue got solved and we hugged it out afterwards with apologies on both ends for getting upset.


You handled it well, better than I would have, and it ended well too. 





SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sometimes people get emotional, stressed, rude even, when they are expressing a need or request. It doesn't necessarily mean she is testing your manhood or even that they are wrong or unreasonable.


I get that. But we all have our boundaries.

I personally don't deal well with rudeness. Which is why I didn't marry a rude woman prone to outbursts even if she's upset.

As far as testing goes, again, I'm not a "see tests everywhere" person. I've never read a single book that talked about fitness/sh!t tests either. But they do exist. I saw them in my own relationship years ago, called them out and she finally admitted to understanding her behavior after much communication and work to get to the root.

The tests always came down to "I need validation that you love me/accept me" when it came to my wife. She didn't do any of the testing some of the guys are talking about, challenging position, etc, because she knew me well enough to know that that wouldn't ever fly with me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lila said:


> My husband read this thread last night and had me rolling on the floor laughing with his reply....
> 
> "These tests are the "Chupacabra" of relationship theory. Of the one's who believe in their existence, there's no agreement on what exactly it is or what it looks like." :rofl:


Every myth has it's foundation in reality and perception.

Even goat suckers, and sh!t tests. I believe sh!t/fitness test was born out of PUA theory. And of course, we all know that is absolute and utter clap trap that no woman in her right mind would EVER fall for. And any man that possibly thinks it would work is a fool.

See? Chupacabras are cute and cuddly.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Sometimes people get emotional, stressed, rude even, when they are expressing a need or request. It doesn't necessarily mean she is testing your manhood or even that they are wrong or unreasonable.




It isn't ever about her being 'wrong'.

It's about whether or not his response is right.

Sometimes it is only right for him, or her if we reverse roles.

Sometimes it is right for both. That's pretty much the sweet spot, and you hit it with your example.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Cletus said:


> . . . Plain and simple, as in impedes the operation of the device and/or breaks it over time. You don't cantilever heavy objects in the front of the top rack and you don't keep the spinning sprayer from moving by placing tall items in its path.
> 
> Now am I a bad husband for pointing this out? That mechanical devices have to be operated properly to do their job and to last their fully expected lifetime? Where I fail in this exchange is that I'm usually pretty reasonable the first time I mention it, but expect logical reasoning to result in a fast learning curve that doesn't require repetition, so I get short the second and third and subsequent times I have the conversation. . .



You must be a lot of fun at parties, Cletus.

Anyone else getting banner ads for dishwashers :rofl:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

intheory said:


> You must be a lot of fun at parties, Cletus.
> 
> Anyone else getting banner ads for dishwashers :rofl:


Actually, I am, because I follow one simple rule:

Never load someone else's dishwasher.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Frankly, are there books for women like this? Because I like SGC, feel that I am being s...ed. You guys here make me feel like only women do this, and I resent that.


It is kind of outdated but the theories within are excellent.

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-...15250279&sr=1-2&keywords=why+men+marry+*****s


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Every women shît tests. My wife, my 3 year old daughter even the blessed mother of Christ herself threw shît tests. 

"Hey joe, I'm preggars with gods baby"

The gracious ladies who have participated in this discussion who think they don't, it would take me a day to pick out yours. You're no snowflake.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

U.E. McGill said:


> Every women shît tests. My wife, my 3 year old daughter even the blessed mother of Christ herself threw shît tests.
> 
> "Hey joe, I'm preggars with gods baby"
> 
> The gracious ladies who have participated in this discussion who think they don't, it would take me a day to pick out yours. You're no snowflake.


Well sure, but that's because sh*t test seems to have such a huge definition it could be pretty much anything depending on who's answering. 

I had thought I had it down, that a sh*t test was to test the leadership skills of a man. To have that definition you would need a woman who a) wanted the leadership and b) was testing the state of that leadership because she needed it reassured. That is not all women. 

But it seems like it can be anything from a woman asking for help that she really doesn't life or death NEED or having an emotional outburst. That's just human. To label it as something female or manipulative is silly. To look for these situations so you can pass tests would be exhausting.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

:lol::lol: :rofl::rofl::rofl:

But men, they NEVER sh*t test. Only us wimmins do this, it is becuz we be so unawares of our real desirz...but men, ya see, they are ALWAYS 100% awares of every thing inside of them and they NEVER ever do anything unconshushly.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> To look for these situations so you can pass tests would be exhausting.


It's not. Just ignore or make a joke of anything that strikes you as being unreasonable.

Not sure why you and FW find the concept so offensive.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Well sure, but that's because sh*t test seems to have such a huge definition it could be pretty much anything depending on who's answering.
> 
> I had thought I had it down, that a sh*t test was to test the leadership skills of a man. To have that definition you would need a woman who a) wanted the leadership and b) was testing the state of that leadership because she needed it reassured. That is not all women.
> 
> But it seems like it can be anything from a woman asking for help that she really doesn't life or death NEED or having an emotional outburst. That's just human. To label it as something female or manipulative is silly. To look for these situations so you can pass tests would be exhausting.



Lets face it, any of this stuff can be viewed subjectively, acknowledged and accepted, or derided and rejected.

Which is fine in my book.

The reason men discuss this ... is generally because they find themselves in a relationship where their partner is pulling away and they don't understand why. They THINK they are doing all of the right things to foster attraction, to make their partner happy, to demonstrate love and admiration ... but oddly ... just the opposite occurs.

If this ISN'T the case in your relationship, then I wouldn't expect you, any man, or woman to even want to be familiar with what a sh!t test is. I sure wasn't.

But now ... I'm pretty comfortable with what they are and what they are not. And I don't find it exhausting at all.

Doesn't make me special, or smarter. It does, without question make me a better and more attentive partner.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree Deejo. I know all my husband's tests for what they really are and he knows mine. Some are subconscious, some are deliberate. Some we call each other out on, some we just do what we need to do to pass the test. It can even be fun sometimes.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I got tested by a stranger. Failed. Once she determined that she could walk all over me she put on the boots. Took me a week to figure out what had happened. I thought I was being courteous. 

Grrrrr. no good deed goes unpunished.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Sh¡t tests and fitness tests.*



Faithful Wife said:


> I agree Deejo. I know all my husband's tests for what they really are and he knows mine. Some are subconscious, some are deliberate. Some we call each other out on, some we just do what we need to do to pass the test. It can even be fun sometimes.


And knowing what I know of your dynamic with hubs, it's probably fair to say neither of you feel manipulated or taken advantage of ... for the most part?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm...well I'm not sure I would say that. I think it is just more a matter of accepting each other, flaws and all. If one of us gets into some mood and starts trying to manipulate the other, we just understand it. We know we both have weaknesses and during stress we might bully or try to manipulate each other. The other one sees right through it but just figures it is temporary. And usually calls them out on it. Sometimes when this occurs it provides an opportunity to talk about something that is behind the behavior.

But we don't think there is some major difference between us. As soon as one spouse thinks they are totally self aware but they think the other spouse has a small rodent in a cage in their head who is making all the decisions, then you have a system of disrespect in place. And it can't work.


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## KingofIstatements (Jul 30, 2011)

I haven't seen it mentioned yet (forgive me if it has) but one of the defining characteristics of fitness testing I've discovered in my relationship that sets it apart from normal advice/requests is plausible deniability, or 'crazymaking'. 
Might as well stay on the dishwasher train because it seems a universal place this stuff comes up-
I'm standing at the sink with soapy hands, reaching to place another dish when my wife moves into the space between me and the appliance and starts clinking things around. 
Now, I'd doubt that even Mother Theresa would've been completely OK with this. What % of the population would have no reaction to someone else moving into their personal space and re-doing work they just thought they'd completed, without thinking that they are calling into question their intelligence?

However, any reaction... and it doesn't matter how placid, constrained, mild (even a gentle clearing of the throat)... is immediately met with "What! I'm not calling you stupid! Why do you always think I'm calling you stupid!" And on and on... 
So as far as I can tell these tests have just as much to do with her evaluation of your response to her rebuttal, as any reaction you may have had initially.

Maybe I'm off-base with this idea, but thinking about this a little more, these situations seem to occur most when I've been helping out around the house in areas that would've been traditionally her 'territory'. And perhaps they are highlighted for me with knowing many women who would be ecstatic to have a husband even look at the dishwasher, or be willing to change a diaper, etc...


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

jaquen said:


> "then load it your damn self".


Now you guys confuse me. Getting angry over a fitness test is acceptable now? Or is it the 'how you say it' -- slowly and nonchalantly?

:rofl:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

actually Job brings up a serious point. The proper verbal response to a test is tricky. Especially when the tester is not aware that she is testing, when this kind of interaction is "normal" for her. In my case I'm sure that my stranger tester will not respond well if I tell her to stop testing me. Really what I need to communicate is that since I have failed a test with you I need to be very aggressive for some time now so that you can return to respecting me. But, that language will just confuse and upset her. So far I have to use other means to communicate that. So far she hasn't tried to reengage.
MN


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