# Is what a wife says when she wants a divorce always what she really means?



## Chinabound49 (Aug 12, 2016)

My wife is an attractive highly sexed Chinese woman i met and married 12 years ago in China when i was there working. 5 months ago out of the blue she informed me she does not love mew anymore and wants a divorce. We separated 4 months ago and she has told me she does not love me, that we can never be husband and wife again, nor can we ever be together again, but she will always consider me part of her family (whatever that means). Since then we have played the rollercoaster game, one day she will call me and message me, has gone shopping and dropped of some of my favorite stuff without wanting any money for it, then next day argues and screams wildly at me. If i don't contact her in any way, after like 3 or 4 days she finds a reason to contact me. I have asked her if she has someone else, or has dated, and yes, if she has had sex, and she say no, no, no. She regularly reminds me that the marriage ended and it was all my fault 100%. I have also found out she has been on dating sites for a few years at least, and knowing her as well as I do, with her very high sex drive, I would venture to guess that after 4 months separated from me, there is a very high chance she has been ****ed by another guy. Now my confusion is this - if she truly does not love me at all, and does not want to ever be with me ever again, not ever to go out for dinner, and states it is totally over and that she does not think of me at all ever now, then why the hell would she still talk to me almost daily, even though most times she gets arguing and yelling, why does she still the odd time buy me snacks that she knows i like, tell me that she has not dated anyone or had sex with anyone, and on and on and on? Me? If i had lost love for her, and said i want a divorce and we split, none of this what she does would happen. I would only have contact with her if it was an emergency. To me if I really have decided it is over for good, then that is exactly what it would be, over for good.

If anyone has any thoughts or comments i would appreciate hearing them.

Thanks

Bill


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It does sound like she might have someone else, and she is holding on to you as plan B in case that something else does not work out.

I would give her what she wants a divorce, and move on and give her what she wants a divorce. I would not have any communication with her unless it is about the divorce.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Chinabound49 said:


> Now my confusion is this - *if she truly does not love me at all*, and does not want to ever be with me ever again, not ever to go out for dinner, and states it is totally over and that she does not think of me at all ever now, then *why the hell would she still talk to me almost daily*, even though most times she gets arguing and yelling, why does she still the odd time buy me snacks that she knows i like, tell me that she has not dated anyone or had sex with anyone, and on and on and on?


Why the hell would you care to talk to her Bill?

For your own sake I encourage you to wake up.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Go no contact. Take her at her word. You will forever be on this roller coaster if you don't slam that door shut pronto!


----------



## Chinabound49 (Aug 12, 2016)

I do agree with those of you that have responded. Give her what she wants, she wants a divorce really, then so be it. 

However, my curiosity here that I am kind of looking for thoughts and views on from others is why the hell she has not just gone her own way like most people would? From a curious perspective, i am just trying to figure out what her game is. 

Comments?


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Chinabound49 said:


> I do agree with those of you that have responded. Give her what she wants, she wants a divorce really, then so be it.
> 
> However, my curiosity here that I am kind of looking for thoughts and views on from others is why the hell she has not just gone her own way like most people would? From a curious perspective, i am just trying to figure out what her game is.
> 
> Comments?


Because you are PLAN B, if nothing else works out she will be coming back to you. So she is keeping you guessing and playing you.


----------



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi Bill,
I have a lot fo experience with this. It may seem complicated to you but I can tell you it is quite simple.

1. Your wife's inability to tell you how she felt until she left you shows a clear inability to communicate her feelings.
2. People who are unable or unwilling to tell their spouse how they are feeling deep down are usually unwilling to be vulnerable.
3. An inability to be vulnerable can be due to trauma, a closed upbringing, persona insecurities, or pure selfishness (no thought to bother telling others how they feel). Usually they are just deeply insecure people. Usually internally insecure people put on a very secure, brave, and tough exterior.
4. In my experience, a person who is unable to be vulnerable and open with their partner has no ability to offer R to their partner and is often why they leave so quickly and try to make it so painless.
5. Most selfish people cannot handle the though of being the "bad person" who left their marriage. They will do anything and everything to minimise, defect, re-write and lie to deal with this. 
6. Insecure people usually rely on the people around them for "approval" and ego boost to feed their personal confidence. (Enter YOU). 
7. Insecure people are also highly reliant on an ELEVATED feeling of "love" to feel secure and safe.

So, to surmise your situation; 
Your wife is/was an insecure and selfish person who no longer feels an elevated feeling of love for you and as a result no longer feels secure and safe in her marriage. Your compliments and attention to her will also have naturally diminished over time to a point where she feels insecure.
Your wife was unwilling to tell you how she felt for fear of being vulnerable and thus scared and insecure..
The thought of this was so scary that your wife found it easier to cut and run rather than talk about the way she felt in her marriage.
Your wife is now single and desperate for personal approval to support her ego and personal confidence.
Your wife is not able to get approval elsewhere at present and you are her SOLE source for this.
The fact she relies on you for approval frustrates her and is why she oscillates between contact and frustration/arguments.
There is NO romantic aspect to her seeking your attention, just personal approval. It is NOTHING to do with you, only what you give her.
Your wife is so insecure that she will be unable to cut the cord with you completely until she has another man do facilitate this.

I hope that makes it clear for you and why it is so vital for your own well being to cut all contact and move on with your own life.

You will also have a personal connection to this woman which will take a long time to diminish. Accept that it will.
You will also likely become resentful at your wife for what she did to you. Accept that you cannot avoid this, and may feel this way for many years.

My advice to you is to try to "sit" with all the feelings you have. Don't ignore them, don't block them, don't try to flip them around. Let them be what they are and let your subconscious do what it needs to do over the next few years to deal with it. See a counsellor and see what comes up.

It's going to take years but we are here for you. Good luck and PM me if you need.


----------



## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Get a divorce and move on. If a woman loves and respects you as her husband she lives at home with you where she belongs.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Chinabound49 said:


> My wife is an attractive highly sexed Chinese woman i met and married 12 years ago in China when i was there working. 5 months ago out of the blue she informed me she does not love mew anymore and wants a divorce. We separated 4 months ago and she has told me she does not love me, that we can never be husband and wife again, nor can we ever be together again, but she will always consider me part of her family (whatever that means). Since then we have played the rollercoaster game, one day she will call me and message me, has gone shopping and dropped of some of my favorite stuff without wanting any money for it, then next day argues and screams wildly at me. If i don't contact her in any way, after like 3 or 4 days she finds a reason to contact me. I have asked her if she has someone else, or has dated, and yes, if she has had sex, and she say no, no, no. She regularly reminds me that the marriage ended and it was all my fault 100%. I have also found out she has been on dating sites for a few years at least, and knowing her as well as I do, with her very high sex drive, I would venture to guess that after 4 months separated from me, there is a very high chance she has been ****ed by another guy. Now my confusion is this - if she truly does not love me at all, and does not want to ever be with me ever again, not ever to go out for dinner, and states it is totally over and that she does not think of me at all ever now, then why the hell would she still talk to me almost daily, even though most times she gets arguing and yelling, why does she still the odd time buy me snacks that she knows i like, tell me that she has not dated anyone or had sex with anyone, and on and on and on? Me? If i had lost love for her, and said i want a divorce and we split, none of this what she does would happen. I would only have contact with her if it was an emergency. To me if I really have decided it is over for good, then that is exactly what it would be, over for good.
> 
> If anyone has any thoughts or comments i would appreciate hearing them.
> 
> ...


Her other men [lovers] are chosen for sex, comparison and as a learning experience. I suspect that there is limited communication. These lovers see her for what she is and do not want permanence....only sex. 

She too wants the sex.....and the better man that she has not found. She is adrift in a foreign culture.....is looking to trade up.

You are the only thing that is a known entity [to her] and that is stable [to her].....at the moment. She will cling selfishly to you for as long as she needs you. Oh, I suspect the snacks and favors are some sort of cultural atonement.

Be vapid, go dark. 

The Orient is East.....she has gone South.

Serve her divorce papers in a MIs-Fortune Cookie. Yah!


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Chinabound49 said:


> I do agree with those of you that have responded. Give her what she wants, she wants a divorce really, then so be it.
> 
> However, my curiosity here that I am kind of looking for thoughts and views on from others is why the hell she has not just gone her own way like most people would? From a curious perspective, i am just trying to figure out what her game is.
> 
> Comments?


If you feel so bereft of things to entertain you and fill your day, perhaps you should instead consider taking up a new hobby, reading some new books, and or making new friends etc.


----------



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Serve her divorce papers in a MIs-Fortune Cookie. Yah!


----------



## Chinabound49 (Aug 12, 2016)

Hey Poida, was wondering if we could chat here or somewhere, i would love to discuss this with you and get your thoughts and ideas.

Thanks


----------

