# A "normal" marraige - how much is business, how much is romance/fun?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

There was another thread that got me thinking.

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of what marraige really is long-term.

I often complain that my husband and I have the dynamic of business partners, rather than husband and wife. There is very little romance in our daily life. I would say, as far as running a household goes and raising children goes, we are an excellent team. I truly do think we could open a business together and work great together. We actually did work together in the same department for the same company for about 2 years, and we were always complimented about how well we worked together and how efficient we were together.

When it comes to an actual romantic relationship, sex, affection, sweet nothings - that part is almost non-existant. It's not completely extinct, but I'd say maybe one nice thing is said/done in a week? Seriously.

Is that normal?

Sometimes I fantasize about our days when we were dating, when we were "so in love" with each other. I know those days are long gone and that people get comfortable with each other, but I like to think back to those times and remember that there actually was a time that we felt that way about each other.

Sometimes I feel like we are the only married people who operate this way. That everyone else feels a lot of love and romance on a daily basis and there is something wrong with us.

Then something hits me - for example, a mandatory meeting at work today about our 401k program - got me thinking about how glad I am that we are both so open with money, that we have set goals about what we are saving for and that we make our decisions on everything money-related (including our individual 401k contributions) based on a shared long-term goal. 

Rationally, I know there are plenty of couples who have passionate romance but who cannot agree on the everyday things like how to manage the finances, how to run the house, etc. So in that way I feel like I have no right to complain - our day to day life runs very smoothly thanks to our team work and we never REALLY argue about anything important, we can always speak openly and come to a compromise. But, there is no PASSION in our life together.

We talk all day long, email when at work, but our conversations are always about business. Never about pleasure, never just shooting the breeze, and never include "I love you" or anything of the sort. When we both come home from work, there is no kiss or embrace, but he will stand in the kitchen with me helping to cook dinner and will talk to me about the latest house project or what preschool we need to enroll our kids into, or whatever.

When all of the business is taken care of at the end of the day, we sit together in silence. We are together, watching a TV show, or playing on our phones, but not touching each other. When we go to bed, we share a bed together, but never touch each other in bed.

Isn't that strange? I sometimes see married couples who still appear to be dating each other, like touching each other, kissing, laughing together and I cannot imagine what that must be like. I hate that I fantasize about that, I never fantasize about being with someone else - I fantasize about my husband and what we used to be like. But whenever I think of making those gestures again it feels forced and awkward. "I love you" is met with a wierd look like "Why did you just say that? Is something wrong? Am I dying?" 

So - do you think that's normal once you are in it for the long haul? We have been together for 7 years, married for 3.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> do you think that's normal once you are in it for the long haul? We have been together for 7 years, married for 3.


We'll be married 10 years in November. We're still very much in love with one another, and it gets deeper with each passing year.

I won't say your relationship is normal or not normal, it's not for anyone to say really. What works for you two just doesn't work for others.

My question to you would be is it working for you the way things are? Ask your husband the same question. If you want more, you should talk about it. Tell him what you miss, see if he misses it too.

I'll add... my husband and I are all about PDA (not gross) and affection. We probably make people sick because we're always laughing and having a good time with each other.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't know what a normal marriage is. I realize you put that in quotations. I can only speak about my marriage. My husband and I joke around a lot. We tease each other. We know it's good natured so no hurt feelings result. That's just our personalities. Neither one of us takes things very seriously. We would both be described by others as easygoing with happy dispositions. My marriage has a lot of affection both in words and physical actions. We weren't raised that way. We decided we were going to be this way in our marriage. Our parents have marriages that seem more sterile, but they seem happy though so perhaps "I love you", holding hands, hugging, aren't as important to them. Everyone has a different way love language, a different way of expressing love. Sometimes people aren't as touchy feely because of cultural or religious upbringing. That doesn't mean they don't love the other person, they're just not as outwardly demonstrative. 

If you're not happy about something in your marriage, speak to your husband. Perhaps he has things he'd like to say as well. 

I know I've mentioned this book in previous posts, but The Five Love Languages helped me a lot. It's by Gary Chapman.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Every marriage is different, but with effort with both parties, you can get that "in love" feeling back.

My husband and I did, we reconnected emotionally and have a fabulous marriage!

Every night we take the time to hold hands and hold each other cuddling while winding down. Our sex is amazing and full of passion. It's also very frequent, which really has made our bond together very special. We are very close, best of friends. We both have the same feelings of love for one another. 

I also have a husband who is a very nice guy type. He's always put my needs before his. I appreciate his efforts he puts fourth for our marriage and towards raising our children. I often let him know how grateful I am and he appreciates the recognition.

I'm very lucky and never take anything for granted. I'm in love with my husband and he feels the same way towards me. Our communication skills are fabulous, we easily compromise over anything. We have a very deep bond and it does feel so good. I hope our marriage continues to grow and we continue to be the best of friends. We've been married for 12 wonderful years.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married for 20 years and we are more in love now than ever. We've worked at it though. It didn't just 'happen'.

That said we are very affectionate with each other, talk all the time about everything, and enjoy each others company.

At year 7 though the picture was quite different. Minimal sex, no affection, I don't even think he liked me that much. LOL I got to where you are and decided I wanted MORE and sought to make those changes. Thankfully my husband wanted the same thing and that led us to where we are now.

So I say to you. Never settle. Life is just too short.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I guess I have kind of rationalized it somewhere in my mind that in the grand scheme of things, we're OK together. I trust him and we both share the same goals and he is very responsible. So at that point I think - why stir the pot? Why make waves when we can peacefully wade in this pool and continue as we are? Is it really worth it?

I know that sounds kind of crazy, but I feel very stressed out most of the time and live daily by the motto "pick your battles". I have always said to myself, this is one of those things that didn't deserve a battle. (I backed this up by thinking that most marraiges eventually end up this way - both of our parents marraiges are this way at 35+ years each - so I just thought maybe I was expecting too much.) I am thinking I am probably wrong about that.

I also struggle with making the first move. Every romantic gesture feels awkward and forced, because our relationship has become so sterile. I think it's because we have been so out of practice maybe? I am not sure. But when you go to make a move and the person on the recieving end reacts with this wierd look like "What the heck are you doing?" it kind of kills the mood and makes you feel self conscious about it, like you just threw out a pathetic pick up line at a bar or something. Know what I mean?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I know what you are saying. My marriage is like that. I can't decide if it is normal. I see lots of marriages like that. On the days I think it is normal I feel that I was never cut out to be married. It's just not for me.I'd rather be lonely by myself. There are many days when I feel like I am just waiting out the clock on life.

When I was single or childless, I viewed with contempt those parents who lost their identities in their children. Now I can relate. 

By the way, I'm sorry to tell you this since you seem to be full of worry, but if you are not having sex and your husband isn't completely in agreement that it is unnecessary and he is totally fine with it, then you need to be very worried and not feel so secure in your relationship.


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