# Is is smart to leave him right now?



## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Hi everyone. I'm new to this.
A little background. I just found out two weeks ago that my husband is having and EA turned PA that has been going on for a month now. He has told me he doesn't love me anymore and is confused. I am pregnant with out first child. Last night I got very angry at him because he was talking to the OW right in front of me, so I asked him to choose, me or her. Well he chose her. So now I am planning on leaving him. I just found out today that he is planning a trip to Vegas with her in January. I really do want this marriage to work out, but I refuse to be his doormat.

Am I right to leave now? Will it fix anything? How long do you think this affair will last? Do you think by me leaving it will make him realize what he has lost?

HELP PLEASE!!!


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## LilBit35 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ok...so now you know that it has and is happening....take a minute to think....he is confused he is having a A why wouldnt he be confused? I dought that he doesnt love you anymore...they all say this they think that if they have let themselves get involded with someone else they must not love us and the feeling the other person gives them must be love right? He is going to blame you at first and run to her....she will take him in cause thats what they do...then reality slaps them up side the head.
You really need to think if leaving is going to work for you! Do you need time away to think? Do you need a break to get yourself togeather? If you do then leave take a break...sometimes this wakes them up sometimes it doesnt! You are going to go through so many ups and downs that today you may want to leave and next week you want to stay and he will also. 
He will wake up...He will realize what he has lost it just takes them time to see what they are doing...the OW is perfect because she can be perfect for those few stolen hours that they spend togeather....they have no idea what the other person is really like...your husband will have to start owning his **** which they hate doing and more than likely he will come home and tell you its over and then go through a withdrawl and contact her again....there is no easy way out of this...no matter what you decide! Just know there are lots of us here that can give advise and be your shoulder but you are the only one who knows what you can live with. 
Please take care of you.....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's time to go. He's talking to the OW in front of you and planning a trip with her? He's not even trying to hide it?

Move on with your life.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

Yes It sounds like he wants out. Both previous replies are correct. You need to do what you need to do. First tell him you will not put up with him being with anyone else at all. That means stop all contact. If he fails to do that move on. Live your life for you. You deserve to be happy. Good luck..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi DevistatedWife. Do you own your home? If so, he should be the one to leave if he refuses to stop the affair. Since he is in that 'happy' stage with the other woman, he probably will not reflect on what he's losing by leaving...but if things go south with her (which they likely will) that would be when he would start thinking about his choices....At least if he is the one to leave, it will be somewhat disruptive for him (move, find a place, etc.)

I can understand your anger and frustration with the situation. I would do my best not to raise my voice....if there are things in the marriage you see could be better, let him know that you would like to stay married and realize we can improve on (whatever that might be) but this will be impossible if you do not end this affair.


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Update: So today we went to get and ultrasound to find out what the baby is. Its a girl, which he wanted. Afterwords, we got in an argument about how I'm leaving and taking his child away from him. He is basically making me look like the bad guy. I told him that I won't stick around while he is still talking to this OW. We live with his parents right now, so the only place I have to go is with my family in Colorado. He told me that he would stop talking to her FOR NOW, until the baby is born so that I don't leave. I asked him to call her in front of me so I know he's not lying. Well he's not willing to do that. He wants to tell her in person this weekend when he goes to her city for work. He will be there for three days, and I am pretty sure he will be with her all three days every chance he gets. I'm not sure I believe him about the whole no contact thing. If anything they will just be more discrete. I have told him if I find out that he contacts her even once after he supposedly tells her, I will leave. What do you all think about this?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Update: So today we went to get and ultrasound to find out what the baby is. Its a girl, which he wanted. Afterwords, we got in an argument about how I'm leaving and taking his child away from him. He is basically making me look like the bad guy. I told him that I won't stick around while he is still talking to this OW. We live with his parents right now, so the only place I have to go is with my family in Colorado. He told me that he would stop talking to her FOR NOW, until the baby is born so that I don't leave. I asked him to call her in front of me so I know he's not lying. Well he's not willing to do that. He wants to tell her in person this weekend when he goes to her city for work. He will be there for three days, and I am pretty sure he will be with her all three days every chance he gets. I'm not sure I believe him about the whole no contact thing. If anything they will just be more discrete. I have told him if I find out that he contacts her even once after he supposedly tells her, I will leave. What do you all think about this?


I think this is a terrible idea. 

Two reasons: one, he notified you that he intends to continue his affair. Two, he is not allowing you to be part of his communication with this Other Woman.

Someone above wrote that 'he wants out'. This statement fits pretty much every affair, so its nearly irrelevant, but it does allude to something important: 

You husband is having an affair, he is not thinking normally. His thought processes have been 'short-circuited' by the zing of his affair. He is in a deep fog, and what he says has to be taken with a grain or seventeen of salt. Until the affair ends, he will not be thinking straight. 

You ask, 'how long will this affair last?' Strangely enough, the answer is 'till it ends.' That isn't to be ridiculous: it's to get you to consider options. 

1) ALL affairs end when the marriage ends. When the marriage ends, the relationship is no longer an affair. So, if you divorce, the affair ends.

2) Most affairs die on their own over time. That means you could sit and wait until it ends. The biggest problem here is that unless you find out WHY the affair happened in the first place, you will most likely see a repeat performance, which could be far worse than this one. The question you should ask yourself is, do you want to save your marriage.

3) If the answer is 'I DO want to save my marriage' then you need to do what you can to help that affair end. (This is also 'when an affair ends') In this case, you'll need to start taking some direct, deliberate steps to bring this about.​
We use seven steps to bring about the end of an affair: you have already been through the first two: consider starting at step three. 

Be ready for a fight - but never fight with your husband! Fight FOR your marriage - right now you'll be the only one doing it. This site has lots of people who are happy to help you. (There are also lots of people who would be happy to help you end your marriage) - just pick the ones you want to listen to!

Help is here (no guarantees - but the end result is worth it anyway!)


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I see that you live with his parents. Do they know about the affair? Not suggesting you tell them, just curious if they know what's going on and if so how they are reacting.


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

swedish said:


> I see that you live with his parents. Do they know about the affair? Not suggesting you tell them, just curious if they know what's going on and if so how they are reacting.


 Yes tell them what is going on. He will look like the bad guy. If you leave it will make you look bad as you left him with his unborn child. They will assume you are cheating. If you tell them he will likely get pressure from them to stop cheating. It might be what gets him thinking clearly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PLEASE follow Pete's 7 steps.

They DO work. But you have to follow the plan IN ORDER. Please start today.


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

I have told his parents and brother about the affair. His father feels he shouldn't get into our marital problems, but made it clear that he is not ok with it. His mom, who my husband has a lot of respect for him, talked to him. She told him that while he is home, he needs to respect me, the house, and her and not be texting or calling this piece of trash. The word trash came from her :rofl: She also told him that women that knowingly pursue a man that is married and about to have a child are nothing but low life prostitutes. Of course he defended her and said that she wanted him to work it out with me, and that he was the one pursuing her. He also went as far as to tell his mom it wasn't what it looked like. Really? I have given his mom every detail, so she knows that he was lying. This all happened the night before he decided to "stop talking" to her. How can I ensure that this will be the case? Is there any steps that I can take to make sure he isn't contacting her, or she's not contacting him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YES. Follow Pete's 7 steps.


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Update: So he has told her no contact and they got in a big argument about it. I asked that I get access to all his things so I have proof. He got angry and said, "What do I need a babysitter now?" I told him that at this point I can't trust his word. The worst part about this is that he intends to talk to her again after the baby is born in February. He literally told me this straight out. :scratchhead:I'm just wondering if I work hard at our marriage in these next 5 months, maybe he will have gone through the whole withdrawal process and have lost those feelings for her. Is this just wishful thinking or do u think this will work?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Update: So he has told her no contact and they got in a big argument about it. I asked that I get access to all his things so I have proof. He got angry and said, "What do I need a babysitter now?" I told him that at this point I can't trust his word. The worst part about this is that he intends to talk to her again after the baby is born in February. He literally told me this straight out. I'm just wondering if I work hard at our marriage in these next 5 months, maybe he will have gone through the whole withdrawal process and have lost those feelings for her. Is this just wishful thinking or do u think this will work?


No. Stated the way you put it, it will not work. *Unless the affair ends, no work can be done on your marriage.* That's because work on your marriage takes _both_ of you. 

That is not to say that work cannot be done! The work that can be done is work you do for yourself: 

A) Take every step you can to end the affair. This includes making sure that the 'no contact' condition is met (more on that in a sec.)

B) Work on becoming a stronger person, a better wife - someone that is more desirable that that Other Woman. This is no judgment on you: for all we know you are _by far_ a better person. lover, woman, etc. But at this point, _in his eyes_ (which are completely bound up in a fog) - there is something that she supplies that you do not. Some of what could make you more desirable is simply having him see her as she really is, rather than the fantasy creature he has designed her to be. 

There are a lot of things you can do to work this 'magic.'

Regarding 'no contact' - in reality what he did ('tell' her 'no contact') wasn't what we mean by 'no contact.' What we mean is NO contact, period, permanently, ever. 

Here is an article that explains WHY 'no contact' is so necessary.

Here are some sample 'no contact' letters. 

The purpose of no contact is to remove the Other Woman from the scene, entirely. That way your husband has a chance for his mind to clear of the fog, and he can begin to see things more clearly.

Now what has happened is not _necessarily_ a bad thing. Placing a temporary halt to the affair gives you time to work on your relationship. At least this way the 'love zing' will slowly diminish: just like a drug addict will slowly get over their addiction if they don't take their drug for a while, your husband will begin to lose cravings for her... 

However, unless the affair is ended, he will still be holding some portion of his life 'in reserve' for her: he'll be making comparisons between you two: tainted by fog. That means he'll minimize the good in your relationship, and maximize the bad. He'll maximize the good in the affair relationship and minimize the bad things. 

You have a tough road ahead: if you don't take direct steps to end the affair, he will spend the next few months 'staying with you' looking for fights, delving for your bad habits, etc. He will do ALL HE CAN to make the affair seem the best solution to the situation. 

'Waiting' it out is a bad idea. Instead - take direct steps: be pro-active. This is a fight for your family, and you can do it. Your husband can appreciate it in time. 

Please don't just sit and wait!


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Well I just found out this morning that H slept at OW house last night and is doing drugs with her!! What do I do? I've already told his parents. Of course he didn't listen. I've told all our friends that would see him daily while he is there. None of them seem to be getting through to him. What now? Do I give him an ultimatum? Ugh, I'm so frustrated!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

devastedwife said:


> Well I just found out this morning that H slept at OW house last night and is doing drugs with her!! What do I do? I've already told his parents. Of course he didn't listen. I've told all our friends that would see him daily while he is there. None of them seem to be getting through to him. What now? Do I give him an ultimatum? Ugh, I'm so frustrated!


Which ultimatum? 

If you have exposed this thing to as many people as you can, then move to the _next step_. Again, asking him to leave is a viable option - as long as you also refuse to enable the affair (keep his name on bank account, etc.)


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Well since we live with his parents, I would be the one to leave. I am pregnant with his child, and he doesn't want to lose the opportunity to be there for her. My ultimatum would be if he doesn't end the affair, I will leave. By me leaving this means I will be moving to a different state, since I have no one else here in this area, and I can't afford to live on my own. I know if I stay, he will continue his affair, because he will feel that he can do what he wants with her and I'll still be there waiting when he gets back. How can I move on to the other step? Leave and work on it or stay and work on it?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

devastedwife said:


> Well since we live with his parents, I would be the one to leave. I am pregnant with his child, and he doesn't want to lose the opportunity to be there for her. My ultimatum would be if he doesn't end the affair, I will leave. By me leaving this means I will be moving to a different state, since I have no one else here in this area, and I can't afford to live on my own. I know if I stay, he will continue his affair, because he will feel that he can do what he wants with her and I'll still be there waiting when he gets back. How can I move on to the other step? Leave and work on it or stay and work on it?


So I am assuming that his parents are not willing to let you live with them if their son doesn't? What would happen if you sat down with them, told them that you are trying to do your best to save your marriage, and that it may be necessary for him to face some consequences of his choice - and then explain that you have nowhere to go but to leave the state, until you can get enough resources together to get your own place. Ask if they are willing to work with you. It's quite possible that they won't want their grandchild to be so far removed. They may be willing to let you remain, help you prepare for the child, etc., and this will give you a chance to get your own place without moving so far away. And if your husband finds that things aren't going the way he imagines them - he will find a united family waiting for him. Just an idea.

If the only possibility is you leaving, you'll probably want to start preparing for it now. 

Yes, you can easily work step 5 whether you are separated or not: your task is to become a strong, independent woman, and to end all the things you may be doing that damage your relationship. If you are separated, you'll still be in communication: you will have many chances to be a 'new' person.


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Tanelorn, they are completely on my side, and say I am welcome in their home anytime, but at the same time they will not throw their son out. They care for him very much, and are hurt by his actions, but they will never throw him out. If I leave do I have no contact with him, or do I give him updates on mine and the baby's lives?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

devastedwife said:


> Tanelorn, they are completely on my side, and say I am welcome in their home anytime, but at the same time they will not throw their son out. They care for him very much, and are hurt by his actions, but they will never throw him out. If I leave do I have no contact with him, or do I give him updates on mine and the baby's lives?


I can understand their viewpoint: a lot of parents make that choice: there are times, however, when allowing someone to experience the consequences of their actions is far more loving than enabling them to continue. Their son is using the fact that they will provide a roof for him regardless of his decisions to stay comfortable. They are enabling the affair by offering to house and feed him while he lies and cheats. Perhaps they might understand this one day. 

They are most likely afraid to upset him. You can only wonder what is more important: helping him to become more mature, more reliable, or making sure he doesn't throw temper tantrums! They would not lose him if they stated that they have a boundary: no cheaters in the home. ...etc

Regardless: if you do move out, please do not move on to step 6 by skipping step 5. Stay in contact, simply do not enable the affair. Do NOT chase after him. Don't plead, whine, beg, threaten or demand! Instead, concentrate on personal growth. Let him contact you. If he cares at all about the baby, he will.

On top of this: make SURE he is responsible for the child; that is - he must support the baby. Find out what reasonable child support would be, based upon his income, and let him know that he owes it, and that if need be, you will seek legal means to ensure it. Do NOT allow him to slide on that! 

Child support payments are HUGELY detrimental to an affair. Don't underestimate the power that holding a parent responsible for their children can be on influencing the Other Person!

If he does contact you, always make sure you let him know you are willing to work on the marriage. If he hints that he might want to as well - make sure you state these three conditions that would work for you to start this work:

1) He writes a No Contact letter to the Other Woman, which you proofread and then YOU mail

2) You both agree to transparent honesty: giving each other ALL passwords, access to ALL email accounts, social networking sites, etc. All log-ins, phone records, chat records, and so on.

3) You both commit to working on the marriage. This can even include accessing 3rd party help as mediation, negotiation, education, etc.​
These three conditions are not negotiable. If he is willing to do them, you can regain, and then improve, your marriage.

In fact, if he objects to child support, you can always state that if he returns to the marriage, he wold no longer owe that support - and if he wants to come back....[three conditions...]

Any time he talks to you, avoid anger, and do your best to be calm, loving, intelligent, desirable, etc. At teh same time, ALWAYS make sure he understands that you do NOT approve of his choice, and you will do NOTHING to help him keep it up.

Don't cut off all contact yet. That time may come.


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

I need some input. I decided to leave because H refused to leave the A. A few days before I left, I tried the carrot & stick phase. He started being very attentive and caring again, but still didn't feel he loved me. The night before I left he cried to me and told me he was sorry for all the pain he put me through. He said I was the perfect wife and I shouldn't feel like it was my fault. I told him I didn't and it was his choice to have the affair. This took him by surprise. The entire next day before I left he told me he was going to miss me. He drove me to the train station holding my hand and rubbing my leg the whole car ride. He hugged and kissed me while we waited and once again said he was going to miss me. Then he says maybe I still do love u. Then I read some messages to OW. He says he feels she's the one because she tells him she will never leave him and will always be there for him. He is with her as I write this while his pregnant wife is 1000 miles away broken hearted. Was all this just a manipulation of his or do you think I was really getting through to him? Did I make a mistake by leaving him since he has abandonment issues and OW is taking advantage of that? I return home in a week. He will pick me up. I plan to move in with a friend when I return. Should I keep in contact with him this week that I'm gone or make him miss me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stay calm and collected if you talk to him. Do NOT let him carry on the affair around you. Ask his parents about kicking him out if he won't stop; it's a long shot, but you never know. I've known women who have stayed with their cheating husband, trying to fight the affair while still living together. It CAN be done, but I worry about you being pregnant and doing so. Only you know what's right for you.

Set your boundaries: You may NOT contact OW in my presence. Things like that. 

What has been going on with the exposure? Is he determined to keep seeing her despite what people tell him?


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

Yes, he is. He even tried to introduce her to my friend knowing very well that she did not approve of it. He believes everyone is just going to accept her just because he thinks she's the one. He thinks everyone is just going to understand. He tells me he has to hear constantly questions on what he's doing but has chosen to ignore them. His mom talked to him when I left and he just told her he was confused. I have brought up throwing him out with his parents. They are really getting tired of him leaving to see her and party all the time. While I'm gone they are going to tell him if he has money to go drinking all the time then he has money to contribute to the house. I'm not sure his father will allow him being thrown out though. His father feels like its our marital problems and he should stay out of it. The only support I'm getting is from his mom, and he has lied to her face numerous times. She's even cried to him. None of this seems to change his mind. He did agree to go to counseling on his own though. Lets see how far that goes....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. You cannot make him do anything. All you can do is tell HIM what YOU are willing to accept. And that does NOT include him cheating. If you're better off living somewhere else, do it. If you think you can handle living with him while he continues his affair and have the guts to set strong boundaries, do so. There's always a better chance to save your marriage if you're in the same house. But set a time limit, if you choose that route - if you haven't left her and agree to total transparency and to work on our marriage by December 1, I am leaving you and filing for divorce. 

Something like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is this OW married? If so, call her husband TODAY! If not, find out her parents' names and number - pay for it if you have to - and call THEM and tell them what she is doing to your marriage.

Have you reviewed Pete's 7 steps?


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## devastedwife (Sep 30, 2010)

She is not married. The idea of calling her parents has crossed my mind, but I wouldn't know how to go by getting they're info. I have read the seven steps. Before I left on my trip I was doing carrots & sticks which seemed to be getting results. I will return home in a week, but the plan was for me to move in with a friend. Now I'm wondering if I just stick to the carrots & sticks, he will come around sooner than I thought. With him seeing a counselor, I think that might help also. I just don't want him to think that i'm going to keep saying I'm going to leave and I don't. Wouldn't this just make him think he can do what he wants, and I will still be there?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a great opportunity to come home, after a week, and set VERY high boundaries: I will NOT stay married to you if you cannot commit to me. If you continue to see OW, I will initiate divorce, and you'll have a hard time justifying any sort of child custody, given your choices and circumstances. I'm not telling you what to do; I'm telling you what choices I will make if you don't initiate No Contact with OW and recommit to our marriage.

Most men having affairs WANT their wife to sit around and cry and wait for them to come home - it feeds their ego. The fastest way to stop his affair is to say "No! HELL no!"


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## alabama (Aug 6, 2010)

i was one that did tell WH to leave. he came crying back 3 weeks later. i don't think living in a crappy motel was the life OW wanted. we are now trying to R.

i think having a baby is really hard for some. my WH started the A when my dd was 2 weeks old.

one thing i do want to metion, is that you should think where you would want to live if you and your husband don't work out.
i didn't find out about the A till dd was 4m old, we had moved when dd was 5w (WH was transfered when dd was 2w and moved to a new state and started up with his receptionist while i was in our old state recouping and getting the house ready to sell).

legally there were some issues with me trying to leave the state (a state i had only been in for a little over 2 months) and just trying to figure out where to file for D. there was a good chance that if i left the state i wouldn't loose custody of my oldest dc. some nonsense of abandonment of the household with a child over 7yrs.

so if you would want to live closer to your parents, or anywhere else for that matter, i suggest going now! otherwise you might be stuck 1hr from your husband's parent's home till your child is 18! i guess you need to consider if your husband would still live with his parents or move in with the OW.

for me it worked out great that WH was given another transfer several states away as soon as we started to R, part of it being WH told his boss it would be better for his marriage, and i'm sure part of it was the company thought it would be better for them to get those two separated.

i'm still not sure about R, but agreed to move to get to a better location.

also need to look at child suppport amounts as they vary greatly by states. i would get about 8% more in my current location


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