# How to plan next step: marriage and blending



## mthoodsunrise (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm a divorced father and share custody of a 13 year old daughter with 50% parenting time. Been divorced for three years. Met a wonderful woman 2 years ago. I'll refer to her as "K". She has three kids - ages 4, 6 and 8, with full legal custody and 75% parenting time. We love each other deeply and share a ton of interests.

Now the complicated stuff. K's parenting style is unconditional parenting, meaning no rewards and no punishments. She also home schools the kids while working three long shifts per week. I don't know how to define my parenting style other than pretty open and straight forward communication with my daughter. Things may change, but she is very independent and easy to parent. K's kids are extremely high energy and the 8 year old has some emotional issues and has been labeled OCD. My household is pretty quiet, clean and not at all chaotic. I work in a home office, so I need things quiet in my work space during the day. K's place is chaotic, often times just trashed and the boys are just destructive (broken windows, damaged I-pads, holes in the walls, etc). Her parenting style is extremely "boundry-less" and she describes her house to have no walls. The three kids sleep with her in a queen sized bed with no plans to transition them to their own rooms. I don't sleep over when the kids are there because I'm not comfortable sleeping in the bed with the kids and there is no other place for me to sleep. I generally come over on evenings I don't have my daughter and hang out until bedtime and then go home to my place. K's kids go to their dad's house one night a week and every other weekend, and his parenting style is based on rewards and punishments. Transitions back to her house are horrible for a couple days after the weekend stays. The kids are extremely emotional and needy, and it is just a hard situation for K. I do my best to support her. It is so bad that I can't really come over on transition days because the kids react very badly to my presence even though they really love me. The 8 year old exhibits emotional tenancies of a four year old and it is difficult to tell if she is acting out due to her OCD or as a learned way to get attention. K does her best to manage all of this, but I believe the lack of boundaries for the kids plays a part in their transition issues between the two homes. I suggested to K that her and the father of her kids communicate more to help find ways to help the kids transition easier, but it just doesn't happen.

Ok, we have talked about taking the next step in our relationship in the next year with potential marriage of blending families to one home. Melding the two homes, parenting styles, home schooling, home office, transition issues and with everyone's needs being considered is a daunting task. I've suggested to K that we see a family counselor to help us with this process, but K pushes back that she fears the counselor will want her to make changes in her parenting style and she's not willing to do that. She's extremely defensive about her parenting and takes any comment or suggestion personal. I really don't say much and understand that both sides would have to make changes for the better of the family. My issue is that is feels like my daughter and I would be the ones making all the changes to "fit in". Communication seems to the key point here and that is why I want us to see a counselor to help break through the fears and defensiveness so we can move forward as a couple and family.

Any suggestions you can give me would be greatly appreciated.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Gosh, it sounds like you have a lot of potential issues to work out with the co-sleeping, parenting, neatness, etc.

Are you two thinking of getting a new place for your blended family? If so, I wonder if you might be happier sharing two nearby, but still separate spaces. For example, in my area (rural) it's not uncommon for folks to have a guest house, MIL apartment, duplex. It seems like the ideal thing would be for you and K to move into a big space. Have some shared areas (kitchen, family room, dinning room) and in those shared areas work out expectations for cleanliness/ rules. If you then each had your own separate spaces (a master for you, room for your child, and a den/ sitting area you could retreat to), and K had a master with a big-ol bed to accomodate her + 3 children. Since some of her kids are really getting too old to co-sleep (yep, I'll go be judgmental here) she'd also need a couple of bedrooms for her kids, and again maybe a family space for them. And in those spaces her rules would operate. Then you & your kids could spend lots of time in truly shared space, but you'd also be able to retreat to your own spaces with your own rules. Imagine for example, a house with a basement apartment for you, main floor with living room, kitchen, dining spaces, and an upstairs with a few bedrooms and a family room. It would be unconventional, but it might be the way to allow you to be together while avoiding lots of fights. With time, your relationship would evolve (the kids will get older) and you could either keep it the way you have it, or start making more of the area in the house shared.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

One thing I'd do is try to be on the same page of your parenting ways. It might mean compromises on both you and your wife.

One of the reasons our house runs so smoothly is my husband and I have the same exact parenting style. We did not at all have the same parenting style to begin with, but I soon realized that my husband's style was much more effective then mine. I quickly changed my ways and we now are on the same page with discipline. Our children are pretty much very well behaved. We raised one child into adulthood and the other two girls are growing quickly and will be heading into their teens in a couple years. Each child has their own individual personality.

My husband and I are very well at communicating. This was one of the subjects among many others that were discussed before and at the beginning of our marriage. I brought a child into our marriage, he did not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, it sounds like a marriage nightmare. She's not willing to compromise, it sounds like. And the lack of intimacy resulting from having her kids sleep in the same bed would be unacceptable to me. Stay as "friends" if you like, even as "committed boyfriend/girlfriend" until the kids move out. But trying to blend... Ugh!

C
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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You are absolutely correct that it would be you and your daughter making all of the changes. Aside from that, I do not think it would be humanly possibly to change that much. 

I seriously suggest you continue with the current arrangement but start to bump it up a notch. Start staying the night with her kids there. Confront the sleeping issue and see how it feels to sleep alone or see how it feels to be one of five in a bed. You could have your daughter stay one night or something if it starts to go well.

I don't think counseling hurts ever but I am not sure you could really address the issues until you start experiencing them. You feel strongly about the counseling so I suggest you tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she would please attend a few sessions with you. I would be concerned if you asked her like that and she continued to refuse.

You have five years until your daughter is out of high school. Those can be turbulent years under the best circumstances. I would set my daughter up for success and really be sure it will work before I made such a major change in my daughter's life.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm two years into a blended family with similar parenting styles and it is still extremely difficult. 
I hate to say it but this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Don't put your daughter through this. 
If my h parented like that I never would have moved in together. 
I'm thinking maybe a duplex or adjacent town
houses. 
I read an article online that more people are doing this. 
If shes not willing to compromise at all I do wonder how many other things she won't compromise on. Just think it will be your possessions that are broken in the future. 
If they can't even have you there for their transitions this isn't going to work in terms of living together.
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