# He wants kids but I don’t



## Lainey2 (Dec 29, 2019)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years married 3 of those years. I was always very upfront on how I will probably never want kids. It’s just something that’s always been a fact. He had said that was fine and that I was enough. I would always be enough for him. About two years ago he started kind of Questioning me and nudging me about the kid topic. asking when we can try. Holding my stomach and asking “maybe baby?” on an almost daily basis. Sometimes He gets into depressive episode where he talks about how he’s reached all his adult life goals and now without kids he’s just going to work until he dies since he’s already done his persons life list. With a lot of my friend and coworkers having kids and him bringing it up constantly I’ve been thinking about it more. But my biggest issue is I have major anxiety. I have panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and depression. I’ve never thought I had what it takes to be a mom. But now that I’m thinking about it more idk if it because he’s pressuring/guilting me or if this is a decision my brain has agreed on. The last thing I want to do is have a child for the wrong reasons. Idk what to do.... has anyone else been in a similar situation?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Hello Lainey2
I'm very sorry, but this is the sort of thing where there is no compromise. You both got married believing neither of you wanted kids. He changed - not his fault , it just happened. 

You could argue that since you got married with that agreement, you should not have kids. That is rational - but wanting kids is not rational. 

If he really wants kids and you don't, I honestly think the best solution is divorce and each finding someone compatible. I know it sounds harsh, but there is NO possible compromise. I'm with you - I absolutely never wanted kids, would have considered my life ruined if I had had them. I know other people who would not be happy without. 

I have been in a similar situation. Its a bit too personal to post even here, but the disagreement with my wife over kids was the worst part of my life. It was really really bad. For us what solved it was that she agreed to take in a shelter care (short term) foster kid for 6 months to see how we did with a kid in the house. She discovered that she *really* didn't want kids - after having been 100% sure that she did. (the foster kid was great - a really cute 5 year old girl, no serious problems - just a fun kid). 

Please don't compromise on this - its too important.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

My ex wanted kids. I was unsure. We ended up having 3 birthcontol failures...which I do not regret, but that is me.

He now hates being a parent, and I am the one picking up the pieces. Of them being sad because of how he feels. The bond we have is unbreakable. We are each others rocks.

This is a life changing decision.

You either do, or you don’t.

The one thing you do not do is get talked into something you do not want or you are not 100% ready for what happens.

Having a child is a life sentence. No parole.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Your husband is a lucky man. If my husband had tried to guilt me into having a child, it would not go over well. About the second time he put this hand on my belly with a "maybe baby" comment I'd deck him.

I can understand that he wants (or more to the point thinks he wants) kids. What's not okay is laying a guilt trip on you to the point you can't think straight. What he's doing is selfish, and manipulative. Asking once in a while is understandable. Daily? That is wrong on so many levels.

If it were me, I'd tell him the baby talk stops NOW. If it doesn't stop, then the answer is no baby. You should be able to make a decision without feeling guilted into being a mother.

If you want some real life experience: Know someone with a baby? Offer to babysit for the weekend, and your husband gets night duty; bottle, diapers, the works. See if he still thinks it's a good idea. If he does, find a friend with a colicky baby, or one that is teething. If he can make it through those with a smile, he's serious. You will also find out how you feel about things as well.

Whatever you decide, just try to make sure it's something you truly believe in, and how you want to live your life.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How old are you?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband wants kids. It's natural for you to re-evaluate when your life partner expresses a desire for children after previously being child-free. So, how do you feel now about being a mother? Do you have the desire to love and raise a child?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Ed3n said:


> If you want some real life experience: Know someone with a baby? Offer to babysit for the weekend, and your husband gets night duty; bottle, diapers, the works. See if he still thinks it's a good idea. If he does, find a friend with a colicky baby, or one that is teething. If he can make it through those with a smile, he's serious. You will also find out how you feel about things as well.


This is great advice. I was going to say something similar.

I decided early on I didn't want children. I'm now 51. Love kids like crazy, just not for myself. 

Last weekend, I went with my best friend and her daughters to their dance competitions to another city to help backstage. I realize that is motherhood on steroids (dance moms--omg!!!) but I was SO happy I made the conscious decision to not have children. I'm not heartless-I love my friends' children SO much. Admittedly, I have no notion of a mother's love so there's that.

Other things in my life have reinforced my decision--kids' birthday parties, even innocuous things like going to the grocery store and seeing mothers with their kids in tow cemented my decision even further as I aged. 

Go to things that involve lots and lots of kids and imagine yourself as the mother.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you're intractable and if he's intractable, you need to divorce. People change their minds all the time. That doesn't make them bad people. Neither of you should be forced into doing or not doing something that is important to you.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Ed3n said:


> Your husband is a lucky man. If my husband had tried to guilt me into having a child, it would not go over well. About the second time he put this hand on my belly with a "maybe baby" comment I'd deck him.
> 
> I can understand that he wants (or more to the point thinks he wants) kids. What's not okay is laying a guilt trip on you to the point you can't think straight. What he's doing is selfish, and manipulative. Asking once in a while is understandable. Daily? That is wrong on so many levels.
> 
> ...


Yeah a friend is going to loan you a colicky baby for the night. JFC.

Look if you don't want kids you don't want kids. You should know in your heart whether you do or not. If you don't it sounds like its divorce. No one is right here and no one is wrong.

None of these stupid ass tests are going to help you. You can't experience being a parent by being around friends or family's kids.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people feel their lives won’t be complete without children. Some people don’t feel that way at all. It’s true you might not regret having a child once it’s here but you might. And then what? Even if your husband accepts that you don’t want children that doesn’t mean he may not resent you at some point. He’s already pushing you on this and very likely thinks he can change your mind. How will he feel if he doesn’t succeed? How will you feel about the constant pressure from him? There are no easy answers.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Lainey2 said:


> Sometimes He gets into depressive episode where he talks about how he’s reached all his adult life goals and now without kids he’s just going to work until he dies since he’s already done his persons life list.


Having a child just to check off a box on a list is not a good reason to have a child. I think he's enamored with the idea of having a child rather than the reality. The reality is that there is a lot of stress and hard work that comes with being a parent. If you love being a parent then it's worth it, but if not then it can be quite overwhelming.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Husband, you married me knowing I never wanted kids. I haven't changed. If you need to have children, then we need to divorce. If you would rather stay married to me, then do that knowing that children are off the table. Either way, I expect to never have to have this conversation with you again, because you where I stand."


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lainey2 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 7 years married 3 of those years. I was always very upfront on how I will probably never want kids. It’s just something that’s always been a fact. He had said that was fine and that I was enough. I would always be enough for him. About two years ago he started kind of Questioning me and nudging me about the kid topic. asking when we can try. Holding my stomach and asking “maybe baby?” on an almost daily basis. Sometimes He gets into depressive episode where he talks about how he’s reached all his adult life goals and now without kids he’s just going to work until he dies since he’s already done his persons life list. With a lot of my friend and coworkers having kids and him bringing it up constantly I’ve been thinking about it more. But my biggest issue is I have major anxiety. I have panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and depression. I’ve never thought I had what it takes to be a mom. But now that I’m thinking about it more idk if it because he’s pressuring/guilting me or if this is a decision my brain has agreed on. The last thing I want to do is have a child for the wrong reasons. Idk what to do.... has anyone else been in a similar situation?


If it has been known from the start you did not desire to have a child then your H needs to back off.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Marduk said:


> "Husband, you married me knowing I never wanted kids. I haven't changed. If you need to have children, then we need to divorce. If you would rather stay married to me, then do that knowing that children are off the table. Either way, I expect to never have to have this conversation with you again, because you where I stand."


This is all that needs to be said.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Middle of Everything said:


> None of these stupid ass tests are going to help you. You can't experience being a parent by being around friends or family's kids.


I respectfully disagree. But --that said, I knew from a very early age that I didn't want children. I never wavered-- I was staunch about it. So that might be the difference between myself and the OP. 

And thinking on it more, I agree no one is going to "loan" their baby out. But starting with babysitting all day might be a start. Or shadowing a friend for a weekend who has children might help. OP sounds confused about whose thoughts are whose and I think the things I mentioned in my own post might be of value to her. (I realize you're not referencing my post.)


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> I respectfully disagree. But --that said, I knew from a very early age that I didn't want children. I never wavered-- I was staunch about it. So that might be the difference between myself and the OP.
> 
> And thinking on it more, I agree no one is going to "loan" their baby out. But starting with babysitting all day might be a start. Or shadowing a friend for a weekend who has children might help. OP sounds confused about whose thoughts are whose and I think the things I mentioned in my own post might be of value to her. (I realize you're not referencing my post.)


Sorry if I came across harsh Lucy. I just disagree.

You can't experience the "bad" things of over the top dance moms, and birthday parties, frazzled moms with kids in tow at the grocery store and think that is experiencing parenthood. It might give you the slightest taste, but it is not the same.

If people don't want kids that is obviously their decision. It is certainly better for a couple to err on the side of not having kids if they are not sure rather than having kids and being miserable themselves and raising little sh!ts that are potentially future douche bags.

I just dont think its objective to list the "bads" of something and say "see, good thing you avoided all _that_".


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I think that what you need to do is take some time and really think about this. If you truly don’t want to have kids, then you don’t want them and no one is going to change that no matter how hard they try. Then it will become a matter of you and your husband being incompatible, and an eventual divorce.

If you do want kids, do it for the right reasons. If it’s only based on your anxiety though, have a look at that and see if you really think that’s going to hold you back from being the best Mom you can be. There are many people who aren’t in tip-top health that are parents. Personally, I think that what we view as our weaknesses can sometimes turn out to be our greatest strengths.

I also think that your husband may have changed his mind from “you will always be enough” to “I think I may really want kids”. It’s OK to change one’s mind, as long as that is communicated to their spouse. Have a talk with him to see where he’s at, and see if you guys can reach some mutual ground. Good luck!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I read a thing online a long time ago, when I was married and my own husband had changed his mind on adopting a child (I wanted to; he originally did then didn’t). It was a good read about “feeling” both sides of things. 

Side #1: think about your life with just your spouse, think about all the things you may do together. Do you like to travel? Are you more homebodies? Would what you guys like to do be dampened by a child? How would you feel about that? What feeling do you get in your gut when you think about life with only your spouse? Sit and just feel that for a little while.

Side #2: think about your life with your spouse and children (or just 1 child). Think about all the things you and your family may do together. Would you guys travel? Where to? Would that differ from traveling with just your spouse? What would a normal day look like in the life of your family? What feeling do you get in your gut when you think about life with your spouse and a child/children? Sit and just feel that for a little while.

Which feels better? Does one feel more natural or “right” to you?


----------



## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Get your tubes tied make a clear statement no kids period. If he wants kids he's going to have to adopt one.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlcrome said:


> Get your tubes tied make a clear statement no kids period. If he wants kids he's going to have to adopt one.


That’s a fairly invasive procedure and not at all like getting a vasectomy. Maybe an implant would be less invasive and just as effective.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lainey2 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 7 years married 3 of those years. I was always very upfront on how I will probably never want kids. It’s just something that’s always been a fact. He had said that was fine and that I was enough. I would always be enough for him. About two years ago he started kind of Questioning me and nudging me about the kid topic. asking when we can try. Holding my stomach and asking “maybe baby?” on an almost daily basis. Sometimes He gets into depressive episode where he talks about how he’s reached all his adult life goals and now without kids he’s just going to work until he dies since he’s already done his persons life list. With a lot of my friend and coworkers having kids and him bringing it up constantly I’ve been thinking about it more. But my biggest issue is I have major anxiety. I have panic attacks, generalized anxiety, and depression. I’ve never thought I had what it takes to be a mom. But now that I’m thinking about it more idk if it because he’s pressuring/guilting me or if this is a decision my brain has agreed on. The last thing I want to do is have a child for the wrong reasons. Idk what to do.... has anyone else been in a similar situation?


 @Lainey2 how did you tell him you do not want children? Openly and honestly or did you fudge it a little bit?


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Hope you and your husband have reached an understanding.


----------

