# Spoke with Husband about lack of sex... now....



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

nothing has changed. HAHAHA. Of course.

Yesterday afternoon, I spoke with my husband about how lonely I feel because of the lack of sex, and how I blame myself and am begining to feel as though every problem is because of me. (This conversation was on Instant Messenger, btw, while he was at work)

He came home yesterday, gave me a hug and said "So you're not going to leave me?" I told him no, I wanted to work on things.

Do you think that anything changed? Of course not. Instead of spending any time together after the baby was in bed, he fell asleep on the couch watching TV.

This is just laughable now. This marriage is so new.. I'm terrified that this is going to be the rest of my life.

Clearly communication doesn't work.. so what does?????


----------



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

You're gonna need to hold his feet to the fire at some point. I am relatively newly married in a similar situation. Told my wife we'd be getting divorced if things didn't change. She's been making efforts but the problem still remains. Short of leaving I don't think there's any quick fix.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

I don't expect things to change overnight either. But you know... you'd think on the day something was brought to your attention (again. For the 100th time) you'd do something about it.
Wrong. So wrong.

I think I'm going to sit down and write him a letter and get EVERYTHING out on the table without being interrupted.

Even if I dont give it to him, maybe it will make me feel better. Probably not.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

It's one time. What you've printed is only one communication, so it's certainly not proof at this point that communication isn't working. In fact, you got a first step in his response. It didn't fix everything, but realistically, did you expect one communication session to fix it all?

Next communication session, tell him what didn't work last night: IE, fell asleep on the couch watching TV, and communicate that you are terrified this is going to be the rest of your life. Tell him what happened last night didn't work and ask him what will. Make sure he knows that just a hug wasn't what you are going for, and ask him to make plans with you for tonight, and hold him accountable for it. It may lack spontanaity, but I'm thinkin this is a step in getting it going. Planned may not be your favorite, but it's better than nothing at this point, is it not?

I think communication is an ongoing process. Sometimes it is easier, and sometimes, it is more difficult. I think you can do it without becoming a nag ... he will have to respond of course, but I think it can be approached positively.

I'm glad you took the first step. The main thing I'd say is to keep going, and leave nothing to his imagination in what you are trying to communicate with him. Tell him directly, and don't use hints or assume he knows. When he makes a promise, show up ready to go, and hold him to his promises. Of course, he still has to respond, and I realize I'm answering without knowing the full context of your discussion, but this is what I think when I read what you have written thus far.

I wish you the best.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

JulyDarling said:


> I think I'm going to sit down and write him a letter and get EVERYTHING out on the table without being interrupted.


Good idea. Whatever it takes to get it on the table. I'd think an interactive conversation should follow, though, if you use a letter. Make a close on it by asking him specific "When can we ... ?" questions if that's what is needed. At least that way you bring him to say "Yes" or "no" and you don't leave yourself hanging in anticipation.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Shyguy - except this situation has been on going for about 4 years.

It is most definitely not the first time that I have had this conversation with him. It occurs 4, maybe 5 times a year. NOTHING CHANGES. I'm stumped. 

I am ready to leave if things don't change - I told him this much yesterday.

I'd like to scream at the top of my lungs because I'm so sick of this and so frustrated.


----------



## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

Change is hard but you have to keep on them as long as you can. I kept hearing that change would come but it never did or it changed for a day or 2.

Don't do what I did and just give up and accept it. It bottles up inside of you then you feel really lonely. I am very lonely and have no idea what to do. Work with him and keep the communications up. All the problems are not your fault!


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I can understand you are very frustrated. I would be, too.

Has he told you why he has no desire? For example, is he insecure about his appearance? Has he had a drop-off in desire that may be an indication of medical issues? Any depression? Is he just tired and lacking in stamina? Does he get sleepy earlier than he used to do? Is he willing to stay away from the TV near bedtime just to help him stay in the mood? If he gets sleepy earlier, would he be willing to wake up earlier in the morning and have sex?

I'm just suggesting here. I can understand that you are frustrated. I'm just trying to think if there is anything that's not being considered or tried.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

stoomey74 said:


> Change is hard but you have to keep on them as long as you can. I kept hearing that change would come but it never did or it changed for a day or 2.
> 
> Don't do what I did and just give up and accept it. It bottles up inside of you then you feel really lonely. I am very lonely and have no idea what to do. Work with him and keep the communications up. All the problems are not your fault!


Thank you. I really feel like they are my fault at this time because I've tried so hard to change things, and nothing works. 
Im in tears because I really do just feel so unloved. I keep hoping things will change but they never do. I'm still here because we do have a 10 month old and he's a fantastic father. 

I am just... defeated. Defeated and bitter. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> I can understand you are very frustrated. I would be, too.
> 
> Has he told you why he has no desire? For example, is he insecure about his appearance? Has he had a drop-off in desire that may be an indication of medical issues? Any depression? Is he just tired and lacking in stamina? Does he get sleepy earlier than he used to do? Is he willing to stay away from the TV near bedtime just to help him stay in the mood? If he gets sleepy earlier, would he be willing to wake up earlier in the morning and have sex?
> 
> I'm just suggesting here. I can understand that you are frustrated. I'm just trying to think if there is anything that's not being considered or tried.



No physical issues. He has displayed some insecurity in his appearance, but nothing major. It's not like he constantly bemoans his looks... it's an every once in a while comment, like, "I need to work out more" type thing.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

JulyDarling said:


> He came home yesterday, gave me a hug and said "So you're not going to leave me?" I told him no, I wanted to work on things.



Maybe your answer should have been

"Not right now, but if we can't work on this and start seeing improvement I just might"


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I have two suggestions for you:

1. Counseling

2. Get a copy of "The Couple Checkup" take the online assessment and read the book together. You can find it here:

The Couple Checkup: Find Your Relationship Strengths « For Your Marriage


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JulyDarling said:


> Shyguy - except this situation has been on going for about 4 years.
> 
> It is most definitely not the first time that I have had this conversation with him. It occurs 4, maybe 5 times a year. NOTHING CHANGES. I'm stumped.
> 
> ...


Just because you are communicating it in your way does not mean that he is recieving it in that way. People communicate in different manners. Tone and word choice can turn a person off or lead them to a different conclusion than you intended. So if you have been communicating to him the same way for four years and he has not responded, it may be because he is dense, but it also might be because your communciation has not been effective.

So changing it up is good. Writing a letter makes sense, as that leaves all the power in the words and avoids tone and body language sending a slightly different message. Also, work on action. Are you still doing stuff for him? If not, pull back a little and let him know it is because your needs are not being met, so you need to focus more on yourself.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Just because you are communicating it in your way does not mean that he is recieving it in that way. People communicate in different manners. Tone and word choice can turn a person off or lead them to a different conclusion than you intended. So if you have been communicating to him the same way for four years and he has not responded, it may be because he is dense, but it also might be because your communciation has not been effective.
> 
> So changing it up is good. Writing a letter makes sense, as that leaves all the power in the words and avoids tone and body language sending a slightly different message. Also, work on action. Are you still doing stuff for him? If not, pull back a little and let him know it is because your needs are not being met, so you need to focus more on yourself.


LOL thank you for putting a smile on my face. 

I do still do things for him as well. I do the normal wifey things like always cook him a good dinner, keep the house clean, take care of paying bills etc... and I *think* I do the little extra things. I tell him he's good looking, and I love him, and try to make him feel special. Maybe I'm not good enough at that.

I have stopped initiating almost all together because I'm tired of rejection. I *know* that's an issue as well, but you can only get shot down so many times, right?


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Has he had his hormone levels checked? Testosterone is a popular test for guys here who have had low drives. It does make a significant difference when you have low levels. There are all manner of physical things that can lower your drive that don't pop up in routine medical examinations. I like to see orthomolecular doctors, because not only are they more thorough, in my experience, but they also tend to be less interested in just prescribing long-term drugs.

Also, your husband should read MMSL. (I should just put that link in my sig. or something!)


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

MSP said:


> Has he had his hormone levels checked? Testosterone is a popular test for guys here who have had low drives. It does make a significant difference when you have low levels. There are all manner of physical things that can lower your drive that don't pop up in routine medical examinations. I like to see orthomolecular doctors, because not only are they more thorough, in my experience, but they also tend to be less interested in just prescribing long-term drugs.
> 
> Also, your husband should read MMSL. (I should just put that link in my sig. or something!)


Yeah, he had a full blood work up while we were at the fertility clinic trying to have our son.

I know that was 18 months ago, but because this problem outlasts that, I'm 99.99999% sure it's not some sort of physiological issue.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Like with so many of these situations, as much as counsellors/advisers preach communications and talking, many times it seems as though the non-sexual spouse just can't or won't get it.

Yes it is very possible that your situation may be hopeless. Get out while you are young is certainly good advice in those situations. 

However, particularly when you have children together, I would try to make sure you have really done everything you can. There is no emergency here to leave yet.

I still don't get what his issues are and I am not clear if he has felt it is okay for him to be open and honest about it. Particularly since his reaction (his concern about you leaving) tells me he very much cares and he knows the stakes. I get the sense that he is either holding back that he is afraid to say or he is honestly just as puzzled as you are.

Before heading for the door, I would find the time when there are no distractions and you are both otherwise in good spirits and not tired, to ask for his input on how you can both solve this problem together. Try to avoid anything that sounds like a confrontation or a demand since he already seems to know what you are thinking. As hard as it may seem he may be more willing to talk without being defensive if you can keep it light and more about "how can we get on the same team about having some really fun sex together" instead something more high stakes.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi July ~

When you're in a marriage, the thing is that communication and commitment need to be reciprocal. So, YOU constantly communicating and telling your H what your issues are, and then waiting patiently for him to do something and never ESCALATING for a response from him is one of the issues at play here that you own - just as much as his non-responsiveness is owned by him. He is essentially being trained that he only has to listen to you bark, but since there is never any 'bite' to it, he can just as easily ignore anything you say and go on his merry way.

If you do not have boundaries (that 'bite') that you have thought about and are willing to put in to place, then you can likely expect no difference from him.

You know the mantra - you cannot change anyone except yourself. Your husband has to be the one who is willing to listen to your words, communicate his needs, desires, and issues, and ultimately take ACTION to work through them.

Likewise, you have communicated your needs, desires, and issues, BUT you have not yet taken ACTION to enforce your boundaries (i.e., what you are willing to tolerate) if he does not take action.

You have told him that you would leave. But so far, you are not holding him accountable for his lack of action.

Sit down and gather your thoughts together. Work up a plan of escalating actions that YOU can put in to place - with the last resort option being "leave".

Some things you can do to escalate the action is to insist on the following (that you can document in your letter to him):

1) he gets a complete physical including hormonal profile (thyroid, testosterone)

2) he is willing to engage you in conversation and non-sexual affection everyday for x amount of time (i.e., no sitting in front of the TV all night long). You can decide how to spend this time together...taking a walk, playing a board game, sometimes watching a favorite show together... and sometimes doing the next item

3) he is willing to engage in marital building activities together, such as those on the marriagebuilders.com web-site

4) he is willing to engage in MC with you so that you both can learn how to communicate and work together. If he has unresolved issues that are making him this way, then he can work through those too.

And, if he is unwilling to engage and stay engaged in those things, then YOU can do the following:

1) Implement the thermostat (MEM11363 thread about how to "cool off" when you are the hotter partner)
2) Implement the total pull-back, ala 180
3) Set plans in place to separate

etc...be thinking about what those boundaries are for you and be willing to hold him accountable for his actions...and be willing to hold yourself accountable to your plan.

As they say...a lot of the really good things in life are not easy. So, if you want your marriage, then you will literally have to be willing to *fight* for it.

Best wishes.


----------



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

What has he given as a reason for his lack of interest? Has he said he's not attracted to you? Or just not interested in sex in general?

And lionelhutz is right, sometimes no amount of talking really gets through to them. The desire or lack of desire is so innate that it's hard to understand the other side's feelings. Even when you're telling your spouse directly.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

JulyDarling said:


> Clearly communication doesn't work.. so what does?????


Why not just be naked when he gets home? Have dinner on the table, sit there naked, eat dinner, clean up naked...........he just might get the point (no pun  ).


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

If even an idea like Southern Wife's doesn't work, it's time you take a HUGE step back in the relationship and stop doing things for him. Exercise more, hang out with your friends more, do less around the house, etc. Something's got to give.

When he is ready to be more involved and start screwing, then you will be more involved too. 

Right now, he is continuing to get a paycheck from an employer for whom he's not doing the job. Why would he start doing it?


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Why not just be naked when he gets home? Have dinner on the table, sit there naked, eat dinner, clean up naked...........he just might get the point (no pun  ).


lol 2 words... baby weight 

Nah..... I just.. honestly don't _want_ to do anything like that for him right now, because God knows he'd probably look at me and ask me how the weather is supposed to be this week.


----------



## JulyDarling (Feb 22, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> If even an idea like Southern Wife's doesn't work, it's time you take a HUGE step back in the relationship and stop doing things for him. Exercise more, hang out with your friends more, do less around the house, etc. Something's got to give.
> 
> When he is ready to be more involved and start screwing, then you will be more involved too.
> 
> Right now, he is continuing to get a paycheck from an employer for whom he's not doing the job. Why would he start doing it?


This really rings a bell with me. It really does. If he wants to be like room mates, then so be it.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What's his job? What are his hours? maybe the man is just tired.

How's his nutrition and health? It could be fatigue.

My husband was "tired" a lot of the time before we helped ourselves...it was depression.

Could be a number of things.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi JD sorry you here Have you tried some romantiac type things such as yr fav outfit from VS, candles, soft music etc maybe some massage etc. If nothing works and he is not willing to go to MC or IC or St I would have to start the process of D as its obvious he isnt interested in meeting yr needs jmo 

Good Luck


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sometimes a partner needs a plan. It might not seem fair that you have to do all the work here, but you've talked to him and told him you are not happy. But his routine has not changed. Maybe he simply doesn't know what to do. 

I like what Enchantment had to say. Turn off the tv, and make an opportunity to allow sex happen. If he is tired and working too much, weekends might be a better plan. 

Although at this point, if you are not really willing to initiate, just spending dating time together might help


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Sorry, I am not a professional so i give you that disclaimer. Having said that i don't think after 4 years of trying to get this to change is ever will...or it will always have the propensity to slip back. 

If you are trully dissatisfied you should retract your statement that you will not leave. 

You may also want to consider if your child's interest would be better served by leaving now. I know several children from divorced parents. The ones who were older when it happened were much much more negatively impacted. 

If this is the problem you continue to have a problem with (for good reason) then you will likely be miserable "till death" unless you do something. 

I believe in the instution of marraige but also in bieng happy. Sorry for typos..lazy


----------



## SoCalHubby (Jan 7, 2012)

Maybe I missed something--are we talking zero sex? For how long? 
I think you need to add something to your discussion. It's something most parents learn to do when communicating w their kids. You need to explain that his inaction will have consequences, beyond making you feel unloved and dissatisfied. You don't want to threaten him, but he needs to know that you will not linger forever in a sexless marriage, that the current situation is unacceptable, and you need to see some positive steps within a certain time period or else you will have no choice but to conclude that he doesn't care about your needs, so you may need to consider plan B. 

You may need to be blunt. For example, you can ask him in a sincere way whether the thought of another man f*****g you causes him jealousy, anxiety, etc. You can reassure him that this isn't your preference, but that you plan to enjoy sex one way or another, and he has the power to decide who it will be with. If he doesn't want to F you, then he needs to embrace the possibility that someone else will.

Might he have performance issues?

Does he have any sex drive? Does he enjoy porn?

Would he be willing to mess around without having intercourse?

Have you asked whether he still finds you attractive/desirable?

For example, have you gained 60 pounds since getting married? (sorry, don't mean to offend, just trying to understand)

I just don't understand...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

What was he like in the days before baby?


----------



## Darbus1975 (Feb 25, 2012)

Are you good when you do have sex. I know for me, I'm about sick of having sex with my wife because she's just so fricking boring when we do it, I'd rather watch TV. 

Have you tried initiating sex and been turned down? Have you tried putting on something sexy for him?


----------



## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

I am experiencing a similar problem with my partner. We are not intimate for weeks at a time and even when we are, it is hardly satisfying. Now, his "equipment" isn't even working and doesn't really seem to care. I want out. He can live the rest of his life like a celibate monk if he wants to, but that's not want I signed up for!


----------

