# A situation lot like "What to do with I don't know"



## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

Wife and I have a stressful situation after 7 months of marriage. I work, she doesn't and is depressed. Wife meets OM who introduces her to new friends and social life. Wife starts an EA with OM and hangs out with him in inappropriate ways. This coincides with marital problems related to stress. I start having anxiety issues that drive wife further away. We start counseling but the marriage deteriorates very rapidly and before the second session we've already decided to separate. She becomes cold, unempathetic but still says "I love you" to me. However when I say, "Do you want this to work?" I get the "I don't know" response. I moved out last week and said no contact for one week. Meeting her today for the first time.

I think I've decided to do the 180 since we've already had a break. I know I'm a terrific guy who any woman would be lucky to have (stable, decent looking, non-violent, very social). Wife doesn't truly deserve me given her awful behavior recently but I want to try and make it work because of how she used to be and how awful a divorce can be.

Has anyone in this situation recovered? The wife admits the OM is her new emotional connection and has the connection I lost with her. She says she "doesn't know" if she wants the marriage to work. At this point I feel it's totally out of my control and only a 180 might work. Hopefully OM screws up, pushes her away. Unlikely.

I guess I have to convince wife to stay in marriage before I can even discuss cutting contact with OM. Have to convince her to try real marriage therapy but she has to again decide she wants to make it work.

I'm tempted after today to just say, "call me when you want and we'll hang out" rather than setting up another date or expectations for contact. Is this advisable? I'm just so confused because on the one hand I deserve better and the 180 is for me but one the other hand, I still have a lot of history with the wife and I think I'd love her if she chose to make it work. So it will be very hard on me to leave things in her hands completely. Also she's been horrible recently on following through with everything in her life, even essential stuff so I'm not convinced she will be motivated to follow through if I leave things up to her. So confused.

She broke our no contact rule twice to text me once about some news regarding her family 2 days ago and then again the same day for another procedural item. I basically replied in one word for the first one and said "let's deal with it when we meet" for the second. The funny thing in all this is that her entire family is on my side and she's getting pushed away from them as well. They've all told me that if it gets to a D, I'm still family to them.

No kids. No joint assets.


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

I actually re-read the 180 guide at The Healing Heart: The 180 and realize that I just have to leave it all up to her from now on. For my own sanity and moving on, she has to now be the one to do the work. It will mean a few emotional nights when I wonder if she's ever going to call but I guess if she doesn't I'll have my answer right? Ugh. This is going to be tough.

Hopefully since wife is young, genuinely confused with her life, she will come around when she sees that I'm not an emotional wreck. When she walks into my new place today she's going to see a great apartment with a new pet, new clothes and new stuff. I just hope she actually follows through with our meeting today.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

> Wife and I have a stressful situation after 7 months of marriage. I work, she doesn't and is depressed. Wife meets OM who introduces her to new friends and social life. Wife starts an EA with OM and hangs out with him in inappropriate ways. This coincides with marital problems related to stress. I start having anxiety issues that drive wife further away. We start counseling but the marriage deteriorates very rapidly and before the second session we've already decided to separate. She becomes cold, unempathetic but still says "I love you" to me. However when I say, "Do you want this to work?" I get the "I don't know" response. I moved out last week and said no contact for one week. Meeting her today for the first time.


She is cheating on you my friend. If not physically, then emotinally. You must destroy this friendship to save your marriage. You need to tell OM's family, your family, her family what is going on. You are not ok with sharing your wife.




> I think I've decided to do the 180 since we've already had a break. I know I'm a terrific guy who any woman would be lucky to have. Wife doesn't truly deserve me given her awful behavior recently but I want to try and make it work because of how she used to be and how awful a divorce can be.


No kids no assets = easy divorce. I would strongly consider it too. Depressed people use people as their emotional crutches but it doesn't last forever. You may have a problem with her ever being happy. Not happy with yourself = Doomed marriage.




> Has anyone in this situation recovered? The wife admits the OM is her new emotional connection and has the connection I lost with her. She says she "doesn't know" if she wants the marriage to work. At this point I feel it's totally out of my control and only a 180 might work. Hopefully OM screws up, pushes her away. Unlikely.



Sure, everyone recovers. Some get their spouses back and some don't. It is totally out of your control and the 180 is what you need to do. Remember, the 180 is for you to detach not to win her back.




> I guess I have to convince wife to stay in marriage before I can even discuss cutting contact with OM. Have to convince her to try real marriage therapy but she has to again decide she wants to make it work.



Absolutely not, you must not convince her of anything. You need to be adhering to the 180. You are not going to nice her back. You go out with friends and do things you normally wouldn't get to do because of the ole ball and chain. Do not discuss your relationship with her until she is wanting to pretty bad.




> I'm tempted after today to just say, "call me when you want and we'll hang out" rather than setting up another date or expectations for contact. Is this advisable? I'm just so confused because on the one hand I deserve better and the 180 is for me but one the other hand, I still have a lot of history with the wife and I think I'd love her if she chose to make it work. So it will be very hard on me to leave things in her hands completely. So confused.



She's cheating she needs to be the one winning you back. Do not call her or text her with that needy garbage. 




> No kids. No joint assets.



Most of here are not so lucky


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> She is cheating on you my friend. If not physically, then emotinally. You must destroy this friendship to save your marriage. You need to tell OM's family, your family, her family what is going on. You are not ok with sharing your wife.


Oh she's definitely cheating on me emotionally. Whether or not it's physical is about 50/50. All parties in this situation are young. OM has no family nearby and I'm not ever sure they would came. Wife's family know about OM. I'm pretty sure they're going to do a 180 with her as well because they're sick of her ****.



GutPunch said:


> No kids no assets = easy divorce. I would strongly consider it too. Depressed people use people as their emotional crutches but it doesn't last forever. You may have a problem with her ever being happy. Not happy with yourself = Doomed marriage.


Yea. I just want to be sure that it's the only option available. She's making rash immature decisions about her life like running to OM and distracting herself with frequent partying to avoid facing the real problems in her life. I don't want to make a rash decision myself.



GutPunch said:


> Sure, everyone recovers. Some get their spouses back and some don't. It is totally out of your control and the 180 is what you need to do. Remember, the 180 is for you to detach not to win her back.


Heh heh I meant recover with the spouse still along.  But I know what you're saying and I know I'll be ok at the end. Heck, I'd probably get myself a less immature woman and one who has a **** together professionally. I'm just not looking forward to dating again. But then again, who is?  



GutPunch said:


> Absolutely not, you must not convince her of anything. You need to be adhering to the 180. You are not going to nice her back. You go out with friends and do things you normally wouldn't get to do because of the ole ball and chain. Do not discuss your relationship with her until she is wanting to pretty bad.


Thanks for pointing out my passive language and poor attitude. She has to convince herself that the man I make myself is right for her. She might not do that and that's her loss. I'm a great guy and will make a nice husband for someone some day. Funny thing is she says this to me, "I wish I'd met you later in my life." :rofl:



GutPunch said:


> She's cheating she needs to be the one winning you back. Do not call her or text her with that needy garbage.


You're right. So basically, at the end of our "date" today, I shouldn't set down expectations for future contact? I mean I'll wait for her to do it but what if she doesn't? Or what if she asks what I want?



GutPunch said:


> Most of here are not so lucky


True that. I'm lucky this happened now and not 5-20 years later. And this is what scares me. It happens now and if we somehow make it work, will she have learned her lesson? Or will it happen again? This is the kind of marriage question the media and popular conception of marriage doesn't prepare you for.


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

I think the most important thing I have to convince myself of is that the 180 is for me. Not for her, not for the marriage but for me. It's going to be hard to get to that point due to emotional expectations but maybe I need to get medications to deal with those.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You do not need to make any decisions in the next few weeks. Way too early. You do need to go dark on her. Do not "jump" when she comes calling or texting. She needs to win you back. If you beg a cheater back guess what happens later down the road. You need some alone time to do some soul searching. Personally, my friend I would run for the hills. Stop paying any of her bills.


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

She made the decision last night. Asked me for a divorce. Spent 4 hours trying to convince her that it was far too early. Nope. She'd made up her mind when she walked in the door.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Sorry to hear that. But really would you be able to really ever trust her again after this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## niceguysfinishlast (Jan 18, 2013)

No I wouldn't. As far as I'm concerned it's over. I don't think she's going to change her mind.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

NGFL-Best to go ahead and file. DIY Ds may be an option. As for the trust. If it's gone the game's almost over. But be warned, she will do some very erratic things leading up to the D final. I'm in the final stretch of mine. The less you have contact the better it is for you. Don't answer emails or texts until a few days after sent. I don't text and I don't even open her emails until days later. I may be watching ants race......so it's more important to watch the ants than read her hyperbole.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

niceguysfinishlast said:


> She made the decision last night. Asked me for a divorce. *Spent 4 hours trying to convince her* that it was far too early. Nope. She'd made up her mind when she walked in the door.


Cannot convince anyone of anything.

Take solace in the fact that she gave you a 'direct' "it's over".

Rather than a "I don't know" or "I guess".

As harsh as it sounds.

It's a lot easier to work with.



niceguysfinishlast said:


> No I wouldn't. *As far as I'm concerned it's over.* I don't think she's going to change her mind.


Is it over based on your own feelings.

Or is this based on what she told you?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Hang in there and read this

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I would say you are lucky this happened only 7 months in with no children, as opposed to later. Much easier. 

Yes, still very hard for you. Not trying to minimize that at all. But you saw her true colors less than a year into the marriage.


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