# can anyone help?



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

hello
( this is kind of a "repost" for me- I do apologize for doing so, but I ma feeling kind of desperate and unhappy right now, so please forgive me for doing so)
I am wondering if any guys out there can help me.
My husband of 13 years told me about 3 weeks ago that he wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been in a long time. he told me that he "didn't feel the same way about me anymore" nut that he still really cares about me. He wanted a separation. he started staying at a friends house ( a female) and he said it was just platonic- sleeping on her couch. He had to come home every morning to work on the computer for work, but would leave at the end of the day. I found out that he had started a relationship that was not platonic with this woman ( he is her boss) a few days after we separated. When I found this out, I freaked, and told him that he could either stay and try to work things out ( no guarantees) or go and be with her and risk that his employers would find out what he was doing . The choice was his. He is in the army, and they don't look to kindly on things like that, and if he was caught, it could me that he would be demoted, fined, etc., and that really frightened me, as he is the "breadwinner" in our family. I told him that I would go to the base or unit padre myself if he didn't stop seeing this girl, and try and put the best spin on it that I could- end it now before it got even more out of hand.
He told me he wanted to try and work on things, but he doesn't have "those kind of feelings for me" but he did for her ( he was telling her he loved her, etc. in an email I found).
He has told me that this other girl wasn't the real issue, but that he thought I didn't trust him, never had, and that I tried to use money to control him ( we never seem to have any). We have three kids, two of whom are autistic, and they can sometimes be a handful. He says that part of his problem is that the house isn't clean enough, things we buy get trashed or broken etc., that I don't have the kids on a "schedule' ( or myself , for that matter). He said that he used to try and help out around the house, but gave up, and that he's too tired a lot of the time to help out ( he doesn't even mow the lawn- our neighbor does or I pay a neighborhood boy to do it). He's angry that there is not more money for "spending money" ( but our children's therapy costs $150.00/hr ( before our insurance, which covers up to 80%, up to a max. of $1000.00 a year)) , and that I spend too much time volunteering at the local family resource centre, which is , in his view, non-productive.
He has made a room for himself in the basement, and I am trying to talk with him and give due consideration to the points he is trying to make and act on them as much as I can. But our 6 year old son knocked a small lamp over which melted the corner of my husbands portable dvd player which he noticed today ( I tried to tell him about it the other day, but I don't think he heard me), which led to another round of "how everything is always messy' and " everything we have gets broken, etc." and that " I am using the kids autism as an excuse for their behavior".
I still do love the guy and want things to work out, but I don't know what else to do. I have been making an extra effort to keep the house as clean as I can but it still doesn't seem to make a difference. He keeps telling me that i don't understand what he is trying to get at, but I really am trying to. He's also told me that he does have a lot of fun when we are together, but it's not the same, and that he could have gone on the way he was, but that would have been "living a lie".
Can anyone maybe give some input into what may be going on here?
Two other points of note: he is due to be deployed in November to Afghanistan, and he has also said that all of a sudden food that he used to hate now tastes good, and he can , all of a sudden, smell things he was never able to before ( that's kind of weird) . He has also started smoking a lot, which he didn't do before very much.

New Part:

It's been another long night- he slept in the basement room he made up for himself ( he's been down there about 13 hours), although he did come upstairs long enough to check his email and he did apologize for being so angry last night ( but he still seems angry). I am wondering if anyone could give some advice on what I can do next to help try and work on our relationship. My mom and dad keep telling me it's going to take time, but this waiting is , quite frankly, agony. I don't know what to do to try and reach him, and I don't want to seem like I am "invading his space". I don't know what to think anymore. He is in barracks for a course, but he has either come home or called every night so far ( which he didn't have to do), and he came home this weekend. I do try and talk to him when he is home, but I don't want everything to be so tense all the time, and when we do talk, sometimes it's really good, but other times he just seems so angry and kind of mean ( so far, he told me that my hair looks bad, my clothes are bad ( I have lost 20lbs since this whole thing started, so they are kind of "hanging off" me right now) I need to have a schedule, our kids need a schedule, etc. ( as outlined in the first part of this post) . I try and let him get all his issues out without being hurt by what he says, but it does hurt ( he says that why he let these feelings build up for so long- he didn't want to hurt me by telling me about them). He does seem to enjoy having sex ( that's nothing new) , and when I told him that right now, I feel ind of bad afterwords, as I view it as a way to have a loving "connection' with someone, he said he understood. He keeps telling me that he is afraid that we won't be able to fix things, and maybe I am being stubborn, but I think we can, if we both try. Maybe he is trying in ways I don't see, I don't know. When we were talking the other day, I told him that sometimes it seems as if I am the only one trying, and he told me I was being manipulative when I said that, which I don't think is a fair thing to say. He also asked me if he had to tell people at work we are separated- I told him no. 
I am sorry for this post being so long and kind of whiny sounding, but I really do feel very lost and alone right now, and am hoping maybe someone out there can understand where I am comming from and offer some good advice on what to do. Any advice would be welcomed, and I thank you for taking the time to read all this.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

since this is the men's club house you were probably looking for a male perspective, but i thought id chime in anyway. 

i know how hard it is to take criticism from your spouse. my H has also bottled up a lot of emotion because he doesnt want to upset me with what he's 'really' thinking. i dont take criticism very well. i have always had this underlining feeling of not being good enough. so when i do try my hardest, and then my H tells me its not good enough, i tend to get extremely defensive, and even depressed, because i already feel so insecure and guilty for not being good enough. 

so with my H, its a catch-22. i tell him i care about him and i want him to tell me his feelings, but at the same time i get angry when he does. this weekend we got in a fight because i said something that offended him but immediately i just got defensive and turned it around so he felt guilty for evening saying anything. Not good. My H should be able to express how he feels and i need to learn to separate my own inferiority complex issues.

so i think you should encourage your H to talk about how he is feeling. it doesnt mean you have to change everything he says, but he probably just wants to feel listened to and validated. maybe you do need to have a better schedule with the kids, take better care of yourself etc. That doesnt mean you arent already doing what you can, or that what you're doing isnt good. and it doesnt mean he's necessarily right, either. 

but i think you should consider what he is saying, validate how he feels, but also express your own feelings. if what he's saying hurts you, then let him know. and one more thing, do you ever get a break or time just to yourself? Handling two autistic kids must be exhausting.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I can identify somewhat with some of what Blanca described. My DH bottles things up to, men do tend to do that when they are angry or frustrated, especially if they have found that when they DO express issues, we women go ON and ON and ON! 

As for me, I find I have to actually be QUIET and not think any of my own thoughts when my dh is telling me how "he feels"....

He told me once I interrupt him too much  ouch. 

It is because my mind works really fast, and if I don't tell him the moment I think up something, I forget what I wanted to say....because he talks at the speed of a glacier whenever he is discussing his "feelings..."


----------



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

It's a the day after I wrote the second part of my post. My husband has agreed to go to a marriage counselor with me, and we took the kids to the beach together ( it felt awkward, but it was nice too) . We had a really good conversation last night, and we got along really well. Our kids went to the next door park this evening after supper, and I was doing the cleaning and feeling really bad. He saw me ( which I didn't want) and told me that he was trying, but it would take time. I guess I just am not very patient, but I have been trying to do the things he asks me to, and give him a chance to talk about how he feels- I hope it will help if he can get it all out- it may take a while, but i hope it will happen. 
About the whole " I love you, but I am not in love with you " thing- does anyone have any ideas about how to help change this without being totally intrusive into his space? While this "in house separation' may, in the end, turn out to have been a thing that ends up bringing us closer, I'm kind of worried that nothing will change for him. Any ideas?


----------



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Another odd development-
we talked some more, and he told me how he still loved me but wasn't ' in love with me", and that I felt more like his best friend than anything else. He said he was really afraid that wouldn't change, so it made for a sad day for me yesterday. He left his alrm clock in barracks, but wanted to stay at the house last night, so he asked if I'd rather him use my alrm clock downstairs in "his" room, or have him sleep upstairs with me. i told him that whatever he felt like was fine with me. He decided to sleep upstairs with me, and when we whent to bed, he said how "weird" it felt, and I kind of sighed. He asked me if I wanted a hug, and I said yes. We ended up falling asleep cuddled up together, and when he woke up once or twice during the night, he stayed cuddled up. I tried to be careful and let him initiate things, and I don't know if this meant anything or not. I know I shouldn't read too much into it, but it's kind of hard not to be hopeful. He left really early this morning while I was still asleep ( he had to be at work for 5:30) . He is supposed to either call tonight or try and come home, but I'll have to wait and see. I guess it's better to wait and see if he brings up last night or not, as I don't want to ask him a question he isn't ready to answer- I figure if he wants to talk about it, he will.


----------



## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

I am having the same issues in my marrige. Last month my wife left with the kids. When we talked 3 days later she told me alot of the same stuff that you have heard. Now they are leaving in an apartment and I am at home alone. I brought alot of this on my self by the way I was. But hearing the person you love the most say "I don't know if I love you anymore" cuts really deep. The only thing I can say is to try and hang in there. I found that reading some self help books online has helped me deal with alot of the unknown.


----------



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

It's about four days after I wrote that post, and I can se what people menat when they said I shouldn't read too much into his actions that night. 
He has been really distant ever since then. his leave started today, and the first thing he did was to get a second computer up and running in his room in the basement. and he is spending all his time down there on facebook,etc. He hardly speaks to me at all, and when I mentioned to him that if we were going to work on things we would have to try and do some things together, he got mad and told me I was being ' critical " of him. I apologized, and told him that I was trying to give him space, etc., and he told me that he has never really been on his own, and right now that is what he wants. As far as I know , he wills till be going to counseling with me on Monday, but my hopes for that right now are pretty small.
I still do love the guy, and don't mind waiting for things to get better as long as I know we are both trying. But after he said that, I don't know if he is.


----------



## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

i found a book online called (keep your marriage: what to do when your spouse says "i don't love you anymore"). I found that it had some very good thing in it. let me know if you are interested, i am finished reading it. keep your hope up, being down will not make anything better.:lol:


----------



## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

frozensprouts said:


> I still do love the guy, and don't mind waiting for things to get better as long as I know we are both trying. But after he said that, I don't know if he is.


You will likely need to do 100% of your 50% of the relationship, whether he does immediately or not. Its very very hard, and the primary reason people give up, but can be well worth it in the long run. In fact its the best thing to do when a spouse has these feelings of doubt. Its the best thing for you too. If you make it a contest of "I will if you will" that will likely not work, especially given he is questioning his own motivation. Seeing that your partner truly loves you selflessly however can sometimes do wonders.

Its not an easy road. Good luck to you.


----------



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Mistakemaker- that book sounds interesting- where can I get it?


----------



## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

frozensprouts said:


> Mistakemaker- that book sounds interesting- where can I get it?


I found it online. If you want I could email it to you. Is there a way to do that here?


----------

