# My story isn't unique...



## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

I was cheated on by my husband. Took him months to admit it and I stupidly believed him when he'd say that he wasn't cheating. Finally the evidence had built up to the point that I would have been a fool to not see it and he'd have been an even bigger one to keep lying. While I have all the similar issues as those cheated on before me, the toughest one I've faced is trusting someone new after a decade or more of lies and betrayal. 

For all intents and purposes, I've moved on, but there is a problem. We have two children together and he completely ignores us. I still sometimes lay awake at night envisioning verbally slaying him and his girlfriend until they were in tears. Some nights it is punching the crap out of them. I know this isn't a healthy way to think. The thought of actually seeing him sends me into a panic. I have no desire to be near him and my kids don't ever ask to see or talk to him, either. I know this also isn't ideal.

I need advice on how to deal with this. Thanks in advance for reading and possibly offering some words of wisdom.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

BuzzingBees said:


> I was cheated on by my husband. Took him months to admit it and I stupidly believed him when he'd say that he wasn't cheating. Finally the evidence had built up to the point that I would have been a fool to not see it and he'd have been an even bigger one to keep lying. While I have all the similar issues as those cheated on before me, the toughest one I've faced is trusting someone new after a decade or more of lies and betrayal.
> 
> For all intents and purposes, I've moved on, but there is a problem. We have two children together and he completely ignores us. I still sometimes lay awake at night envisioning verbally slaying him and his girlfriend until they were in tears. Some nights it is punching the crap out of them. I know this isn't a healthy way to think. The thought of actually seeing him sends me into a panic. I have no desire to be near him and my kids don't ever ask to see or talk to him, either. I know this also isn't ideal.
> 
> I need advice on how to deal with this. Thanks in advance for reading and possibly offering some words of wisdom.


Although your story is indeed not unique it can be different going forward. Your anger is in actuality a good thing and a healthy response to this type of betrayal, it shows you are self aware enough to realize and accept the situation for what it is in the end, his fault, not your, regardless of the so called reasons.

Your children, how old they are depends on what you tell them. Some people choose not to tell their children what is happening but I took the involvement approach since left to their own thoughts can, and often do, will come to think the marital breakdown may be over them, they should also be introduced to the realm of truth and consequences, although the details of the affair shouldn't be shared, the fact an affair happened and who is responsible for the family health at present should be.

If the kids were involved or exposed to the fallout or affair in anyway itself then their non-involvement and indifference to their father is normal, especially if the see one parent hurting the other. However you must prepare for the day when your little ones, who are you biggest supporters in a way, pine for a visit from or with their father, it is a sh1tty feeling I know, but you might as well accept the permanent tie you and this man will have.

As for the thoughts of violence, so long as they are thoughts only you're fine, and is therapeutic in a way. Most people who encounter this, myself included, are too surprised to let any anger build and if the Wayward is on the immediate offensive then it makes it all more incredulous to combat. You seem well on your way moving forward, and on.


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## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

Thank you for the quick reply. Happy to see that my state of mind is a healthy one, as crazy as it sometimes makes me feel.

My kids are young - both under 10. I would never deny them a phone call or visit to their father. What bugs me is that they've called him in the past and he made promises he didn't keep. So while, I know how important it is to nurture the relationship they want with their dad, I also feel obligated to protect them. The longer this behavior of ignoring and essentially lying to them continues, the less I feel it is in their best interest. However, they're young enough to forget easily and love unconditionally which breaks my heart but it won't last forever.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

How old are your children?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

BuzzingBees said:


> Thank you for the quick reply. Happy to see that my state of mind is a healthy one, as crazy as it sometimes makes me feel.
> 
> My kids are young - both under 10. I would never deny them a phone call or visit to their father. What bugs me is that they've called him in the past and he made promises he didn't keep. So while, I know how important it is to nurture the relationship they want with their dad, I also feel obligated to protect them. The longer this behavior of ignoring and essentially lying to them continues, the less I feel it is in their best interest. However, they're young enough to forget easily and love unconditionally which breaks my heart but it won't last forever.


You are right to worry about your children. But do not overworry. They live in a world in which divorce is common and the vanishing of a parent is not unusual.

Your husband is digging his own grave with regard to the children. There have been plenty of folks on TAM who have written about their parents divorce or vanishing and how it affected them. These are not always happy stories. But there is NOTHING you can do about that except to be there for them.

My advice is to not put your husband down in front of the kids. When they ask where he is tell them the truth, but make it age appropriate and don't blame him. Just stick to facts.

When they ask how you feel about him "going away", tell them the truth. Tell them that you don't like it. But also tell them that you are their mother and that you will NEVER abandon them.

If you have other family members nearby, get them more involved in your children's life. Keep their lives up-beat. That means that you not only have to do the mommy things with them, but also the daddy things as well. 

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and my heart goes out to you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

First off, sorry you are here. I know the pain you are feeling.

Make sure that you don't degrade your H to your kids. It is quite easy to do since you are still so hurt, but when you and he move on, he will owe you nothing but what the court decides and it won't be attention or time with you I can guarantee. Maybe he broke a promise and maybe he didn't, unless you were standing there listening to hear it or read what he wrote, you can only assume as being below 10 sometimes children hear what they wish and not what is said (such as I will try to be there for the weekend, kids sometimes hear as I WILL BE there for the weekend)>

I am not trying to defend your H, just stating that you are biased against him right now (and your are fully justified in being this way), but he owes you nothing (as you said he is ignoring US, which he only owes explanation and time to the children and not you, get it as he moved on already) and you need to not use your anger to turn the children against him (he'll do that on his own without your help if he keeps up with this)

I am going through the same situation and sometimes the other spouse can be so hurtful and despicable that staying removed from the situation is the best thing one can do to protect themselves and the kids (from more pain and possible jail time from false accusations). It could also be that he is just a sh!tbag, but either way that is something your kids need to come to on their own and not be pushed there by your actions (and so you know I am the BS in my situation, but the system is biased against me anyways so sometimes the attorney's recommendation is to remain removed from the situation until things can be further agreed upon).


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Please take that pent up negative energy and put it to good personal use. Go jogging, hit the gym, meet new people. Get involved with hobbies with the kids. Take care of you.

Sure, he's a prick. Don't let that define you. Don't ever let him define you. No way.

Care about you. Stay healthy. Work out. You say you've moved on. Move on physically and mentally. Both are important and both are you.


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## nanofaan (Aug 1, 2014)

Beez my heart goes for you


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So sorry BuzzingBees. 

Are you able to get your kiddos into counseling? You could probably benefit from some individual counseling as well - dealing with the fallout of infidelity is really, really tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry for your situation.

I know from experience that bitterness corrodes the vessel that contains it, but I don't have much to offer on how to combat it except to tell you that prayer helped me. 

Document the poor behavior of your ex toward your kids because it may come in handy later.


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## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

All good advice and I take it to heart. We don't talk about the ex much at all. I don't discourage them from asking about him or what happened. I make sure I'm age appropriate and neutral, but there are questions they have I simply can't answer. I ask if they'd like to call their dad and they opt not to. 

I'm assuming in time, they'll put pieces together. I remember not being much older than they are and figuring out what happened.

The harder obstacle is finding a way to deal with the anger and other acidic feelings. It's worst at night when I can't sleep.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BuzzingBees said:


> I was cheated on by my husband. Took him months to admit it and I stupidly believed him when he'd say that he wasn't cheating. Finally the evidence had built up to the point that I would have been a fool to not see it and he'd have been an even bigger one to keep lying. While I have all the similar issues as those cheated on before me, the toughest one I've faced is trusting someone new after a decade or more of lies and betrayal.
> 
> For all intents and purposes, I've moved on, but there is a problem. We have two children together and he completely ignores us.


You're divorcing him?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Like his A, how he decides to treat the kids is on *him*! Not you!

He'll need to own up to it. 
If not now... someday soon in the future.


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## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> You're divorcing him?


I've already divorced him. He pretty much demanded one somewhat out of the blue last year and refused to consider any other options. Was in quite the hurry as well which was one of the red flags that made me suspect someone was waiting on him to be "single."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, regarding your kids, I would try to help them start to see him as someone from their past. Better to remember the dad they used to have, instead of continuously trying to set up a fake dad who will disappoint them time and time again. Each time he disappoints them, they will love THEMSELVES a little bit less. Help them learn to expect nothing from them. Help them grieve the dad they SHOULD have gotten - I recommend therapy - and go through the Stages of Grief. That way, any communication they DO get will just be gravy.


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## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> Well, then, regarding your kids, I would try to help them start to see him as someone from their past. Better to remember the dad they used to have, instead of continuously trying to set up a fake dad who will disappoint them time and time again. Each time he disappoints them, they will love THEMSELVES a little bit less. Help them learn to expect nothing from them. Help them grieve the dad they SHOULD have gotten - I recommend therapy - and go through the Stages of Grief. That way, any communication they DO get will just be gravy.


I absolutely agree. My stock answer to them on the few occasions they've said they miss him is that I miss him, too, but he's doing what he needs to do for now and loves them in his own way.

I will not make promises on his behalf that I know he won't keep.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

BuzzingBees said:


> I've already divorced him. He pretty much demanded one somewhat out of the blue last year and refused to consider any other options. Was in quite the hurry as well which was one of the red flags that made me suspect someone was waiting on him to be "single."


Been there.
Done that.
Didnt figure the other person out until later.

Sorry.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, not very many of us have stories that are terribly unique 

Neil Armstrong was an astronaut who even walked on the moon. That was pretty unique. But... his wife divirced him and he married another women he met a couple years earlier, so he wasn't terribly monagamous.

Crap happens. My guess is the anger will subside when you find a new focus for your life, whatever that is. When your story is about whatever it is besides you being cheated on, gaslighted, and all of that, and then divorcing. Yeah, that really, really, really sucks, but... it's probably not all you will ever be.

One step at a time. You walk out of an old life and into a new one.


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## BuzzingBees (Oct 27, 2014)

My focus right now is on my kids and making sure they're solid. I'm constantly being reminded that I should take care of myself, too. I've been on a few dates. Sometimes I feel ready, sometimes I don't. Sometimes the guy is a jerk and takes me back a few steps.

I can say that with every telling of my tale, I'm more and more convinced that divorce, however it went down, was necessary. My ex is truly toxic.


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