# Being put in the middle of parents marraige problems...as an adult.



## kag123

I really don't know how to deal with this.

My parents have been married for 37 years. I am an only child, in my late 20's with my own husband and family. I have been out of their house for about 10 years now. Since the day I left for college their relationship has just gotten worse and worse. They are still married, but pretty much live a miserable existence from what I can tell.

I am tired of it. I am always in the middle of things it seems. We live close to each other and I keep in regular contact with them. We literally have no other family except for each other. I feel a sense of obligation to keep up with them. I want to have a relationship for them, and for my kids to know their grandparents. 

It hurts me to see their marriage in such a bad state. I thought my parents were happy together when I was growing up, and now it feels like it was a sham. It has kind of rocked my world to think that everything I thought I knew and based my beliefs on could have been a lie. I think it sounds a little funny to be an adult with my own marriage and family and to be affected by my parents marriage problems. But in some ways I feel kind of like a little kid again seeing mommy and daddy fight. Only now that I am an adult there are not even many boundaries between what they will each share with me.

They fight constantly. Half of the time when we have plans to do something, only one of them will show up. Sometimes I will get a call from one of them if they can come to my house to get away from the other. When they are around they are either venting to me about all of the horrible things the other has done, or if they are together the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I watch them purposely be mean to each other and p!ss each other off. In front of my family. It is so inappropriate and makes me angry. I have told them more than once to leave that sh!t at the door when they come to my house. They didn't listen. If I make a phone call and talk to my dad, I have to call back and repeat all of the same crap to my mom because he wont yell her what I asked him to tell her (and the same works in reverse). They say and do terrible things to each other. I don't even know why they stay together, they make each other miserable.

I don't know what I am looking for here. Just to vent and to see if anyone else has ever dealt with this as an adult. I want a relationship with them because I essentially have no other famuly, but I wonder if its worth it. I wonder what the right thing to do is. I do not get involved in their fights and try not to get upset when I see one of them do something mean (although it is hard for me not to think about how much of a d!ck they we're the next time we talk). I have considered cutting them out of my life completely bit that would really break my heart. And I feel like that is not what a good daughter would do. I don't know...just a lot of stress I don't need in my life on top of everything else that I have going on.
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## Phenix70

My mom & my step dad divorced when I was an adult.
Their relationship was their own, I told them both to keep me out of the drama.
I had to lay down boundaries in order to be able to still have a relationship with them both. 
Tell them to not make you chose sides, to keep their martial problems within their own marriage, that as their child it places an unbalanced burden on you. 
If they continue to keep the status quo, keep stating your boundaries.
If they fight in your home, don't invite them over, if they fight in front of you & your immediate family in their home, don't go over there.
Set boundaries & stick with them.


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## diwali123

Yes you need to set boundaries. Of course you're affected by their marriage! That's normal. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to work out what your boundaries are and how to stick to them? 
I think for starters maybe have a talk with both of them separately and say that you will no longer tolerate being in the middle of their problems. First of all if they have something negative to say about the other they need to find other people to support them. Tell them how much you love them and care about them and that this hurts you deeply. Suggest counseling or support groups. 
Tell them what your boundaries will be: if they call to complain you will give them a warning and then hang up if it doesn't stop. 
They are acting like children. 
As for your past being a sham, people often have a negative view of the past when the present is bad. Obviously they weren't going to share their problems with you when you were younger but I doubt they were as bad as they portray it to be now. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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## Rowan

I had to set firm boundaries with my parents. They would be so much better off if they would just divorce already. But they won't, because they're both too comfortable with the status quo. And because they come from families where divorce just isn't an option. 

Me to Dad: Daddy, I know she's your wife and she drives you crazy, but she's also my mother. I will not listen to your critical comments, complaints, or b!tching and moaning about what a pain in the ass your crazy wife is. She is _my mother_. I will not stick around for your arguments or your cutting remarks to or about one another. I will not take sides. If you two argue, snipe, or complain about one another at my home, I will ask you to leave. If you do it while we are at your house or when we're all out together, I will leave. Please keep that in mind when we have family functions. 

Me to Mom: See above. 

The next time we were out with a large group of family and friends, one of them started making snide comments about the other over dinner. I politely excused myself, my husband and my son and we left immediately. The following Christmas I asked them both to leave our home, just as their grandchildren began opening gifts, since they could not be civil to one another. After that, they both could see that I would hold firm in protecting the boundaries I had set. They now keep it to themselves when I'm around. They still subject other family members and friends to their skirmishes. But they know I won't stick around for it, and certainly will not participate.


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