# Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?



## CarolineLPN (May 17, 2015)

I have been married to my husband for almost two years, have been together for three. No kids, nothing to split if we were to divorce. We got married pretty young, and I don't necessarily regret it. (He's in the armed forces, we both benefited from the marriage.) Recently, on a trip to my hometown, I found out from several people that he cheated on me the first three months of our exclusive relationship. He supposedly ended it before we got married, and I haven't heard from anyone that he cheated after the fact. What troubles me is that he LIED to me about it, saying that he broke up with his ex months before we started dating, and he gets extremely offensive every time I bring up the past years -- even if it's just reminiscing. I can't help but feel like he humiliated me by doing this and making me feel/look stupid for trusting him. 

He's been deployed for 9 months now, and comes home soon. He doesn't know I know he cheated. I don't want his homecoming to be ugly, but I feel like it needs to be addressed. I'm having problems trusting him right now because a LOT of his stories aren't adding up. I have never cheated in a relationship, and am not by any means, a jealous person. He has always had a lot of female friends, and I have a lot of male friends. However, he has always been extremely possessive of me and jealous of my friends. Once, while I was cleaning out his truck, I found a pair of women's underwear in his truck -- he claims were a friend's (shipmates) who stored suitcases in his truck. I'm not buying this. I've also noticed he's been a lot nicer to me since he has been deployed -- planning trips for when he returns, telling me how much he misses me, etc. I can't tell if this is him genuinely missing me, or if he feels guilty. 

Part of me wants to try and make this work, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again, finding out that our entire relationship as a couple was built on a lie. I want to think he's a good person, and I WANT to focus on the fact that we've made a two year marriage work, but all I keep thinking about is the fact that he cheated on me on day one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not true that ever one who cheats will always cheat again.

However there is a kind of cheat who is a cheater by nature. This kind of cheater will always cheat. It sounds like you might be married to a guy like this.

Do you have access to his cell phone bill? his email, etc?

What proof besides gossip do you have that he cheated early in your relationship. The problem is that a person who cheats will lie until you, the betrayed, can confront them with absolute facts. And even then they will lie.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Obviously it's not an absolute that a given person, having cheated once, will continue to cheat, but I think that it's probably the case often enough that it's a good rule of thumb.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I was told that my brother was cheating on his wife.

I was given definite dates, times and the name of his lover.

I might have believed it, had I not already known that my brother was absent from the country.

The busybody had made it up. 

What happened then as a consequence, was that the busybody's company lost a fairly large contract and she, in turn, was fired.

Why did she lie? Who knows?

Just because someone told you something does not mean it is true. Check the facts out, they might be wrong, confused about dates, etc.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I was told that my brother was cheating on his wife.
> 
> I was given definite dates, times and the name of his lover.
> 
> ...


Panties in the truck, Matt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Panties in the truck, Matt.


Damn, missed that!

Well, yes, but OP needs to go Weighlifter on this, really.

Verify and then do whatever needs to be done.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I believe that "once a betrayer, always a betrayer".

That doesn't always mean the betrayer will continue to betray as a matter of absolute fact- but the _propensity_ to betray is always there. Alcoholics don't always drink again, but they remain an alcoholic is a similar analogy.

Some people will betray and some people will not may be a better way of putting it. My first wife was devoutly religious and read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours every single day- no embellishment. But she met Mr. Moneybags Wonderlust and she was off to the races. My second, and current, wife's first husband was deeply cruel to her and after getting testicular cancer in his late 20's told her 'no more sex for you'. And for 12 years that held true. Who would have blamed her if she betrayed him? But she didn't and never looked to. 

People have numerous ways to handle problems and issues- some do it via betrayal and others do not. It's simply the way they're wired.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My belief is that no, not once a cheater always a cheater. Despite what I'm going through right now, I still believe this. 

However, the panties in the truck....yikes.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Each person is different, therefore each person will react differently whether they are the WS or BS. Some WS are in fact repulsed in that they had an affair, they make necessary changes to their life and discover the root cause usually found in therapy. Some don't change and continue with their destructive ways. I personally believe people can change, learn to live their life as a better person. I was usually brought home by the police as a younger person, but I changed when one of my coaches said he doesn't visit former players in prison. This one phrase he said resonated within me of the path in life I was on. It wasn't good and I had to change many things about me.

A WS can change much like I did, they can choose to walk on the correct path if they choose. Some WS actually see the destructive path they have taken, the hurt they have imposed on those that they love with the choices they have made. Some don't see this at all, until it is too late. But I believe each WS sees their destruction, it's how they choose to react to that destruction that is the key. Some admit their faults and others blame shift to blame anyone but themselves. The ones that blame others are too weak to see their true faults and how to appropriately deal with their actions. Some take ownership after their house of cards collapses and seek redemption from those they betrayed. 

So I believe once a cheater is not always a cheater. Some people change, change for the better, but it takes a strong person to change and not fall into the pitfalls of returning to bad choices and behavior. At least in my experiences that was the difficulty I faced, when adversity appeared your thought process had to change to react differently and in a correct way. It's difficult to do but it can be done by anyone if they so choose to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Each person is different, therefore each person will react differently whether they are the WS or BS. Some WS are in fact repulsed in that they had an affair, they make necessary changes to their life and discover the root cause usually found in therapy. Some don't change and continue with their destructive ways. I personally believe people can change, learn to live their life as a better person. I was usually brought home by the police as a younger person, but I changed when one of my coaches said he doesn't visit former players in prison. This one phrase he said resonated within me of the path in life I was on. It wasn't good and I had to change many things about me.
> 
> A WS can change much like I did, they can choose to walk on the correct path if they choose. Some WS actually see the destructive path they have taken, the hurt they have imposed on those that they love with the choices they have made. Some don't see this at all, until it is too late. But I believe each WS sees their destruction, it's how they choose to react to that destruction that is the key. Some admit their faults and others blame shift to blame anyone but themselves. The ones that blame others are too weak to see their true faults and how to appropriately deal with their actions. Some take ownership after their house of cards collapses and seek redemption from those they betrayed.
> 
> ...


First, that was a very fine post. And I mean that with great sincerity.

But I have problems with it.



drifting on said:


> Some WS are in fact repulsed in that they had an affair…


They were repulsed AFTER they had their wild time that brought them incredible highs such that they will probably never know again in their life. Highs that should have been reserved for faithful spouses. They had their excitement and risky illicit sex…. And now have the luxury to feel 'repulsed' after they see the damage they have done. But it doesn't take away the total selfishness of it all. Irreparable damage was done. 



drifting on said:


> I personally believe people can change, learn to live their life as a better person.


Yes and no. We are still the person we always have been. Those propensities never leave. We just make different choices in spite of our selves. An alcoholic chooses to not drink. A drug addict chooses to avoid the needle… 

A betrayer that chooses to not betray again is still the same person- they are just choosing to try and not betray again.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> First, that was a very fine post. And I mean that with great sincerity.
> 
> But I have problems with it.
> 
> ...



What I wrote is my opinion, and if you feel differently I'm fine with that. I actually agree with most of what you say. All of life is a choice, just like I could choose go back to my less then desirable ways so to speak. But I choose to be a different person, one that can contribute to society in a positive way. WS can also choose this, and that is what makes the difference, they learn from their bad choices as do you and I. We all make stupid choices (not talking about infidelity here) that we sometimes wish we would have chosen differently. But for whatever reason in that moment we choose stupidly, and then do our best to correct that decision. Thank you for further expanding on what I posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Was a great thread that showed cheaters have affair after affair after affair

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/266722-how-many-have-had-2-ddays-2.html

Some very rare acceptions but do you want to commit to being a detective your whole life. Or getting cheated on when you have kids.....

I would say save yourself and get out now


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your H is still a cheater and will remain one until he faces his ugliness, shares it with you and moves forward.

You two have never worked through this. It is still there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

No but once a cheater, you'll always be the cheater in the relationship. That blot will never fade permanently, both in you relationship and life history.
You two have no kids and it has started so very quickly, he's a cake eater and a real ahole. It sucks and it will feel bad for a while, if i were you i'd leave


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

You don't want to make his homecoming ugly?!? ?? He kinda did that to himself!!!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

I think that an important factor is if cheating taught the perpetrator a painful lesson or if the perpetrator later loved someone who cheated on him/her. I did not have a lot of luck dating in high school. Later in my 20s, I cheated twice on two different women because I enjoyed the new feeling of being popular. The 2nd time ended a relationship that was much more important than I had realized. In my two long-term relationships after that, I did not cheat and had no desire to cheat.

After being cheated on a few years ago, I now have a strong feeling of disgust and disdain for cheating. I am certain that I will never cheat no matter what my marriage is like.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that a cheater doesn't necessarily stay a cheater. Many people grow and change.

That being said, your H wasn't married when he lied to you about his other gf. You can manage to get over that, I think, but the panties in the truck are the big red flag waving at you.

Your trust is seriously challenged. I think I would do some serious investigating. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You can chalk this one up if you need to.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It is my belief that cheating is the result of mental insufficiency. As we mature, we develop certain traits that allow us to leave our childlike behavior behind and begin to act and react as what we refer to as adults.

It is an intricate interweaving of thought and experience that allows these characteristics to mature. Absent these, we develop physically but are retarded in our development mentally. Without the proper traits we can not exhibit the behavior of a "grown up" and instead continue to display childish characteristics.

These people are selfish and find nothing or no one to be of greater importance than themselves. They lack the ability to extrapolate data and project possible outcomes to any situation and therefore act as if there are no consequences to their behavior whatsoever. Many have difficulty financially since they cannot restrain from buying whatever they want regardless of need or affordability. They are commonly outgoing, flamboyant and seek a party atmosphere. They anger easily, may smoke and/or drink excessively and are often jealous and possessive.

In other words, though they may possess the physical body of an adult they are simply not developed mentally enough to be considered as such. The simple truth is that unless these traits are garnered they are destined to repeat this behavior well into old age and even until death. If present at all, sometime these traits can be brought out by severe psychological and/or emotional trauma such as a spouse threatening D or facing some other serious dilemma. Often however, the traits are simply not there in a quantity necessary to effect change and therefore no change occurs and they are destined to live out their lives as serial _________s. You can fill in the blank with cheater, liar, murderer, drunk, rapist and the list goes on. It can be one but almost always it is a combination of several.

So, in answer to your question, if there is an event that can trigger the recognition of the necessary traits in their psyche, if they exist, or if there can be stimuli of sufficient quantity and duration so as to cause growth of character then no, they will not always cheat. The sad truth is however that the former is quite rare and the latter is next to unheard of so the chances are quite slim indeed.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It's only the guys who cheat that never stop. My wife has only been with six different guys while cheating on me and only four of them were while we were married.


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