# regretting separation



## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Hi everyone!
I've been dipping in and out of this site for a while - I'd been "sitting on the fence" as I call it for about the last year and a half about my marriage. I wasn't happy/unhappy, I guess I didn't know my husband very well before we got married, we were madly in love. I sold my house and moved away from my family to a remote area of the countryside to be with him, I felt lost, homesick, my husband was working 14 hour days and I never knew when he was coming home. I spent hours and hours waiting for him - "more dinner times than dinners" springs to mind! In addition, I have a daughter from another relationship and we are very close, I parented alone, and well, for thirteen years. My husband felt that he came second best to my daughter and he often made life difficult for us, he was uncooperative, hostile and didn't partake much in our marriage, and suddenly abandoned me one night after only tow years of marriage without any explanation - except to say 'this is never going to work', and in the next breath how we were going to divide our assets. 
I decided to be the strong person to help him fight his demons, whatever they were. I assured him how much I loved him, I reminded him of the life we had together, our hopes, our dreams. I cintinued like this for about 6 weeks - during which tme my husband refused to speak to me, he treated me like a ghost - as though I didn't exist, I was totally stonewalled. I slept in the spare bedroom, suffered the most horrendous panic attacks and cried and cried. When I think of it now, I don't know where I got the strength from.
My husband has never been able to explain this 'episode' to me. I was not able to forgive him for this, and at times I was uncomfortable in his company as I would frequently relive the experience and I was afraid of it repeaating itself.
Moving on to the present, earlier this year I started to question everything my husband did, as thought they were truly signs that he did/didn't love me. He started to complain of not feeling well, but not feeling sick - to make a long story short, he has been attending a psychotherapist who told him that he has been grieving in his marriage for the last 3 years and that he is in a mid life crisis - probably to do with his marriage. He asked me to go to family counselling with him, at the time I was in my own crisis and didn't feel ready and told him so. Every evening for two weeks after, he would ask me if I had decided if I was ready and I would look at him blankly. In hindsight, I was really in a crisis so serious I couldn't think straight at all. The last time he asked me he was particularly insistent, and asked me what he should do, my stupid reply was to tell him to call his lawyer.
I came home from work one evening about a month ago and my husband had moved out, taking all his personal possessions with him. We had briefly menstioned separation and had registered for mediation.
I am completely devastated, I miss him so much and find it incredible that he didn't even fight for us, into the bargain, he is having an affair. I feel that we did not get a fair chance to work through things, He is insistent that all our problems are due to us not getting the help that we needed to become a blended family. I am now ready to pursue this with him, I have sent emails and phone messages.. He has cut me off completely and is behaving as though I don't exist (similar to previous behaviour), I don't even know where ie is living - he won't tell me.
When I read back what I've just written, I am wondering if I really should be regretting his departure? All I know is that I love my husband, and so want this to work and I regret he has left without discussing or giving the opportunity of time and realisation of what has truly been his concern.
I'm attending therapy and counselling as I have never been so low in my life and I have been really concerned for myself. I need to hold down my job, take care of my relationship with my daughter, and look after myself.
Has anyone a similar experience?
Thanks for listening! Nora


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I think counseling is definitely where you both need to be. Sorry I don't have more, but it sounds like you're both depressed and could use some IC as well as MC if he will agree.


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks justabovewater, I have sent him emails inviting him to consider going to counselling with me; but he hasn't responded. I really miss him and am feeling so alone, abandoned and anxious. I do think that my husband might have been suffering with undiagnosed depression, even though he went to the doctor several times. The services have failed us, and I wish I could fix this mess....
Thanks :scratchhead:


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Nora said:


> he is having an affair.



Nora,

Here is the reason he left. It's probably been going on for a while. No marriage counselling, etc. will help at all as long as there is another woman involved. I'm sorry for your situation. The betrayal of your spouse is a horrible experience to have to endure. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. (Well, I actually do wish it on OM, and I'm sure that is coming his way.)

Stop begging and pleading. Read the "Just let them go" thread. Begging, pleading, reasoning are useless. They just don't listen and it makes you look weak.

Hang in there. You are not alone.


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## Nora (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks HurtinginTN - He says it's not an affair because we weren't "together"-our bed was hardly gone cold when I realised what he was up to. I can't have it on my conscience that I didn't offer an olive branch of hope (Irish Catholic guilt!) and to try to redeem our marriage. It's like he has gone over the edge completely - I hardly recognised him those last weeks. His psychotherapist told him he is in a mid life crisis at age 35 - and wow, how he is fitting the stereotype while I am on this roller coaster ride. It's a difficult place to be in and I am finding it very hard to accept. I had a quick read of the thread, and I'm going back to it now.... thanks for your support 
In the meantime, I have taken up athletics, lost about 50lbs, have resurrected some interests I enjoyed and am doing lots of therapy. It's really tough and I often feel like I am playing a game with myself - I guess it's the transition I am going through which seems to have taken a life of it's own to save me!
Thanks everyone for reading
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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