# Am I in an Emotional Affair? Or is my partner?



## craig222 (Dec 13, 2008)

I started a new job 8 weeks ago. I've become very good friends with a woman (co-worker) while at my job. 

We email each other 15 times a day. We visit each other's cube all the time. We eat lunch almost every day together (most the time with other people). A few weeks ago we started eating lunch together by ourselves twice a week (in the cafeteria). We set boundaries that we couldn't go out to eat alone, but we ended up preferring to eat by ourselves vs with a group. We share a lot during these one on one lunches. We've told each other that we wish we could spend time together outside the office, but we know we can't. We both wanted to email each other over Thanksgiving break, but again we didn't because we knew we couldn't. We've talked about how close our friendship is. We constantly ask each other if we are uncomfortable. It seems like there are times where we're addicted and then we retreat to the safe zone. It's a repeat process....

We both have admitted that we're definitely attracted to one another.

We both have admitted that this is the first time we've been close friends with someone of the opposite sex since we started dating our significant others and married. People in the office have noticed how much we interact, how much we laugh, etc. A few people have made jokes that something is going on although we haven't physically. In fact, we rarely if ever touch/or hug. We joke around all the time about how we are having an affair, enjoy laughing about it, etc. We talk jokingly about how we're going to take each other home to our spouses or that we're going to hang out together with our spouses. My friend has shared with her husband that we eat lunch on occasion. My friend is paranoid that he's going to find out that we are close friends.

My friend and I have both have admitted that we feel guilty, not just because people talk about us, but because we both know that we enjoy each other's company more than we should. She has admitted that when I hang out with my other co-workers (the gang) that she feels jealous. Especially when one woman was touchy and feely with me (wasn't appropriate) the other day. I told my friend that "they were jealous of her" and she said "they are jealous because I have you". A few minutes later she sent me an email that simply said, "I'm glad you are here".

I was in a meeting the other day for a few hours and she said she missed me....On Thursday she said she wasn't sure if she was going to go to a company function, that she probably wasn't because it would just be the gang, me, and her. I told her I definitely was because it would be fun. The next day she changed her mind twice about going. I finally told her she needed to go because it wouldn't be the same without her and she said that she would go. She told me that "it didn't bother me yesterday that I didn't care if she was going so it made her sad, but now she's happy!" (because I wanted her to go)......There have been several other comments - 1) I told her I was glad she got an “A” in one of her Master's classes. She said it was great knowing that she had someone to share her happiness with and mine with her as well...She has stated that I'm a good friend and she is is very grateful for our friendship....Yesterday, my friend stated that she was sad that it was Friday. That she was going to miss "work" (I assume that means me). And that sometimes the weekends don't go fast enough to get to Mondays. ** This last statement she told me is the one that I think woke me up - it basically means her time with me is more important than her time with her spouse. It's completely wrong.

My female co-worker/friend talks fairly often about some of her husband's weaknesses. He doesn't support her career the way he should. He is lazy and doesn't do houselhold chores. All he does is watch sports/tv/play games. I don't think the quality time is there in her marriage. I don't think the emotional support is present. There is very little encouragement & praise from him and I think that's where I come in because I constantly praise her and try to help her improve her self-worth. Last Friday she got in a fight with her husband and she told me she wished she had work the next day because she would have a great day (spent time with me).

My marriage has deteriorated recently as well. Our 2nd child was recently born leading to a decline in intimacy and I don't feel like my wife has given me the emotional support and RESPECT I've needed. Not enough quality time together by any means. A lot of loneliness.

I feel like this co-worker/friend has feelings for me. I really enjoy the attention and am beginning to wonder if I have inappropriate feelings for her. I'm praying over this


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Yes. You are having an emotional affair. You are in very dangerous territory and need to make some conscious decisions quickly, rather than choose instead to be swept away by the moment and end up in places that you will regret.

What was it like when you first met and dated your wife? Bring in a child into a marriage is a huge transition, bringing a second child into a marriage sends you into a tailspin and it's a very vulnerable and difficult time for a marriage. 

You say your wife isn't giving you emotional support - what do you mean? You say she doesn't respect you - what do you mean? Do you love your wife? 

As for quality time with her, well, how old are the kids? Small children can really drain the last little bit of energy out of a mother and out of a relationship. So, I would advice you that if you want quality time, you find babysitting and you take your lady out (even if it's just two hours here and there). MAKE the quality time because with young children, quality time doesn't just happen. And your wife may be too overwhelmed with the kids to be able to make plans for a date at the same time. Why don't you take the initiative to take her on a date?

If your babies are tiny, I don't mean to sound harsh, but get over yourself. I had two kids (two years apart) and it was absolutely hell on my body and my psyche. I spent 3.5 years either pregnant or nursing, with a child hanging off my body at all times of the day like they were a limb. I was so exhausted and had no time for me ... and I mean NO time (even taking a shower and using the toilet required me to hold or comfort a crying child while I was doing those things for me). 

If I had no time for me, do you think I had time for my husband? No. That doesn't mean that the relationship should get no nurturing, but it means that, in the same way mom becomes the primary caretaker of the children, hubby has to become the primary caretaker of the relationship (and of his wife) while she's doing the hard work of sustaining an infant. This isn't forever. But those first couple of years, it takes a strong and dedicated man with a good head on his shoulders to know that this is a transition time and that his job is to remain loyal, to be a guide and a pillar and to nurture his woman was much as possible even though he won't be getting a ton back for a little while ... believe me, she's not getting much either because she's having to give it all to the kids. That's babies for you. Once they get to be preschoolers and older, then mom does need to start having them wait, having them learn that they are part of a bigger system and the universe doesn't revolve around them. They become old enough to learn that mom and dad need time together and for themselves. At that point, your relationship becomes more equal again because she should be able to nurture you as much as you nurture her.

But this is your time to do the right thing in that family, buddy. So, my advice to you is to stop playing with fire. If you married this woman and she popped out two kids for you, she'd be in no better position than your wife to fulfill all your needs. She'd be highly distracted. 

Tell your co-worker that you have enjoyed becoming so close with her, but that you realize it's putting both your families in jeopardy (does she have kids?). That you need to take major steps back and will not be emailing her, having lunch with her or coming around her cubicle any longer unless it's purely work related. Tell her you need to prioritize your marriage and your kids and give them the best of you, so you can't become distracted with an affair (emotional or otherwise).

Seriously. You didn't say anything about your marriage that makes me think it's a bad one or that you are going through anything other than family growing pains. So don't mess it up over a crush.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

PS - if it requires that you quit your job to end this, then do it. It's your kids or this lady.


----------



## NorthShore (Oct 23, 2008)

How can you possibly ask for RESPECT from your wife while M-F you are pretty much making a joke out of your commitment to her and your family. 

Are you looking for someone to tell you that what you are feeling is okay and you are doing nothing wrong? It isn't the case with this post. I feel sick to my stomach for your wife. I would be irate to know that my husband was philandering around at work with his co-worker while I took care of the comforts of home for him to ONLY know that while we lie in bed together he can't wait get back to the office to see his cube mate. You are not only embarrassing yourself and your reputation with your fellow peers (cuz you know you two are the water cooler gossip) you are making an embarrassment of your wife/marriage as well. 

Life is judge 95% by perception and 5% by reality. What perception are you openly giving your colleagues? Hopefully your wife is getting the emotional support she needs, I truely feel for her.


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

You are DEFINATELY having an EA. You need to step back and reassess your feelings and situation before it is too late. Is it possible that you are feeling less from your wife because you are comparing the affection from her to the affection that is being rained on you from your co-worker? How can you expect to give your all to your wife if you have these thoughts of your co-worker running through your head. If you can break it off and maintain a professional relationship so be it (though I highly doubt it). In any event if being with your wife is what you want then this has to stop. Be prepared for alot of akwardness between you and the co-worker. Also realize that others are going to notice as well and there may be comments. Good luck to you and your situation. May you make the right choices.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

grass isnt greener and you could lose an awful lot if your not careful.
situations like this you have to elimate the cause and get out of the situation all together.
trouble is your already setting yourself up with a reputation. ppl arent stupid and chinese whispers are deadly.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are definitely in an EA and you are right, it is adultery. You are spending time boosting your friend’s emotional self worth while she does the same for you. Just in the way your wrote this post you know what you are doing is wrong and so does she. The office gossip is likely to reach one of your spouses sooner or later so be prepared for how you will handle that. Define for use why your spouse doesn’t respect you. Can you clarify that for us and ask your self is that what your friend is supplying. As in all EAs the contact must end if you want your marriage to become healthy again. Difficult to do since you work together. You should seriously think of changing jobs if she won’t. There are plenty on this board, including myself, who know how damaging an EA can be. I’ve suffered and survived more emotional pain since I found out then I ever thought possible. Think about how this will hurt your wife and family. Do the right thing, end it and work on your marriage. Somebody’s going to get hurt.


----------



## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

:iagree: ... Get out while you can & then sit down with your wife and tell her what happen & tell her that is why you have chosen to find a new job ... then when you have this new job keep to yourself & do not get involved again ... your friend ah might be hurt by your leaving but it is for the best & for your marriage too. 

I almost lost my husband due to something I did & my friend almost lost his wife too so ... we both choose to break things off and tell our spouses what happen & things are much better and if you exchanged gifts of any sorts ... RETURN THEM by all means DO NOT KEEP THEM AROUND ... it will only hurt !!!

So good luck & I am praying that your able to find a better job and that your wife will understand !!!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If you spent the time devouted to your wife that you do to this woman you might find you have a better marriage.

draconis


----------



## HisSummerRose (Dec 10, 2008)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
Take your wife away for a weekend away and shower her with lots of love and attention !!! Spend ever waking minute with her and pamper her with all sorts of love & attention !!! :smthumbup:​


----------



## craig222 (Dec 13, 2008)

Everyone is right. I think I really knew the answer to my question before I asked it. I'm in an emotional affair. I think I wanted people to mostly blame her (my friend) for what's transpired because she's the one that initiated this level of closeness. She made it obvious through her words and actions that she has strong feelings and an emotional need for me. I want to alleviate some of the guilt I've been feeling, but the reality is I can't. I'm just trying to make excuses to keep it going. Not only do I love the attention, but now I can admit that I've reciprocated. I care about her in a deeper way then I should and it's wrong. Had I been the husband that I should of been I would of turned away when I first saw the dangerous road lying ahead, but I made the wrong choice. I have no excuses. I have to end this relationship now.

We're both in the wrong. We are both guilty, but it's my job to end it and repair my marriage.


----------



## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

I am glad that you saw the light before it was too late.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

You are on dangerous ground, very dangerous. Think about the cost before you go any further. I've been on the other end of this and often think now if I could real back time and had the insight I had now I could say "STOP!" this is what this will cost you (my husband had an affair and it started just the way you described your friendship, at first he thought it harmless, they were just friends). If I could real back time I would say to him if you are willing to give up me (wife of 15 years, together for 23. We have been through a lot together and many very happy times), hurt your children, potentially lose your business, move out of your home, and lose your friends and one day have to face all this and want it back but it may be too late. He would tell you if he knew then what he knows now, he would never have gone down that road. 

We have reconciled and he often says "what was I thinking" and that she was convenient. That we had an issue and here this woman was throwing herself at him and it was new and a way to just escape and not face having to fix our relationship. 

Unfortunately he also really hurt our children. Long story but because this woman opened her mouth in front of other children my daughter learned about this. Like I said think about the cost. It took a toll on my health and although we are reconciling I'm battling an ulcer. 

He has a lot of guilt and a lot of pain and is working like hell to fix it. SHE turned in to fatal attraction as when he called it quits she told everyone and even showed up uninvited to a party making a fool of herself .... again my kids got to see. 

Her own family paid a high price too, they were neighbors. They moved out and will likely lose their house but they couldn't stay here. 

In the end I have to say that I once thought my husband to be the most amazing man ever, handsome, talented, high integrity, great father. While I still love him, he'll probably never be that "Superman" I used to think he was. 

Just think of the cost. Oh, and you should never mess where you work. It could also cost you your job. Just think consequences. You cannot enter a new relationship without figuring out what is wrong in your current one and if its over you have to end that one first.


----------



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

MsLady said:


> it means that, in the same way mom becomes the primary caretaker of the children, hubby has to become the primary caretaker of the relationship (and of his wife) while she's doing the hard work of sustaining an infant. This isn't forever. But those first couple of years, it takes a strong and dedicated man with a good head on his shoulders to know that this is a transition time and that his job is to remain loyal, to be a guide and a pillar and to nurture his woman was much as possible even though he won't be getting a ton back for a little while ... But this is your time to do the right thing in that family, buddy. So, my advice to you is to stop playing with fire.


:iagree: Wow! You hit it right on the target. Too bad my husband didn't ask for advice and hear this. I think he would have thought twice and saved all of us, including himself a lot of pain.


----------



## loveme781 (Dec 14, 2008)

stop while u can-this happened to my dh i told him too stop-while he did not and had an affair with her! stop telling your friend how u feel and start opening up to your wife-i know how she feels i was her she would love for u just to talk to her laugh with her share your feeling with her-she is lonely too trust me she is going through some sh.. too she needs u and instead u are giving everything u have too someone else-ask yourself why-if its cause its easier or that she makes u feel good about yourself-then your being selfish!!! talk too your wife you have a life with her


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

craig222 said:


> I have to end this relationship now.
> 
> We're both in the wrong. We are both guilty, but it's my job to end it and repair my marriage.


Outstanding Craig, you are doing the right thing. When you terminate the relationship suggest she do the same and work on her marriage. Good luck


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

Craig-
I am glad to see you say that. Many people would not be able to admit their part so readily. Your being able to do that shows that you are remorseful and you do know what you want-your wife. Now continue with the steps necessary to mend your marriage and make it the best it can be. You will not regret it.


----------

