# TOTAL Opposites ?



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Anyone out there completely opposites from their spouse ? Is it even possible for an extrovert and introvert to get along in a peaceful fulfilling way? any advice ? it seems exhausting


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Boy, that is a tough one! I think it depends on how you mean "total opposites." If there are completing opposing life views, personal goals and values, it would be pretty tough to make it work.

But I think with extro/introverts, there could be a good deal of compromise. I'm much more social than my husband, which he totally understands. I spent at least a night a week hanging out with my friends and just getting out of the house. But I also enjoy spending time at home together...I just can't do it every single night, all the time. 

In general, there probably needs to be a pretty serious discussion about conflicting interests. DH and I are different in a lot of ways and don't share all the same interests. But we absolutely respect each other and encourage each other to have lives beyond just "our life" if that makes sense.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

socal04 said:


> Anyone out there completely opposites from their spouse ? Is it even possible for an extrovert and introvert to get along in a peaceful fulfilling way? any advice ? it seems exhausting



In the beginning it's possible, even fun. After a few years it drags on. After a few decades it's not feasible.

Me: 55 year old teenager. Extrovert liberal arts type, hands on, visual arts, life of party type. European. Grew up dirt poor. Personal goal? Ride my bike, take pictures, have fun.

Her: 56 year old great grandma attitude, introvert science type, bores you to tears type. Asian. Grew up seriously wealthy. Personal goal. Mo Money.

For the first decade it was fun. The second was work. The third.... Not so much fun or work.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

socal04 said:


> Is it even possible for an extrovert and introvert to get along in a peaceful fulfilling way? any advice ? it seems exhausting


Peaceful? Perhaps. In a rather detached way. But fulfilling? I doubt it.

Why be exhausted from a relationship? Life is too short.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Peaceful? Perhaps. In a rather detached way. But fulfilling? I doubt it.
> 
> Why be exhausted from a relationship? Life is too short.


ya think so?


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

19 years in .. but still have same issues... just wanted some opinions on it as I sit here thinking about it


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

People aren't that different and you two should strive for common activities. My inclination is towards individualism and I am inclined to do the opposite of everyone else, my wife's favorite saying is she likes people who get along and are low maintenance. We recognize each other virtues, and we do pretty well together. I try not to be contradictory particularly with her and she's not surprised when my parents will go to a restaurant and send back food they don't like, and my wife will not complain about a table and get it changed.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

its not everything.. jsut sometimes when we go to parties the difference is HUGE.. im like lets hang out for 2 hours shes like lets hang out for like 5 or 6.. she wants to walk around house naked im like put on some clothes. ( yes we have kids )
im reserved shes not...

said she doesnt feel totally comfortable at home..


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

we had a "talk" today about it.. so its fresh on my mind.. was curios how other folk handle it.. i wonder how 2 extroverts would get along


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

socal04 said:


> ya think so?


HUH????

You asked for opinions. I opined.

So what the heck does "ya think so?" mean?

For what it's worth, ya, I think so.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

dont take it personal ..just thinking out loud.


----------



## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

My husband is an extrovert while I've always been a huge introvert. He's loud and easy going, has no problem making friends, wants to get stuck into everything. I've always been rather quiet and shy and anxious. 

There's never really been any problems, we compliment each other. He helped bring me out of my shell, I reel him in when he gets a little too crazy. It works.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

do you 2 go to parties together


----------



## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

socal04 said:


> do you 2 go to parties together


Was this directed at me?

We don't get invited to a lot of parties these days because we're senior citizens (in our 30s) but when we are, we usually go together. More often than not.


----------



## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> People aren't that different


Seriously??? IMHO, a big part of successful "Opposites Attract" marriages is each partner accepting that the other *is* fundamentally different, and will remain so at a deep level until the day s/he dies.

Which can be a very painful realisation.

That is however a firm base from which the partners can work. It is not an excuse for either partner to shelter behind "that's just the way I am", to shirk meeting the other's needs, to seek to impose their viewpoint on the other, to avoid dealing with their 'issues' (as distinct from declining to contort themselves like a pretzel in a hopeless attempt to 'fit' their partner's idea of what a good spouse should be like) etc etc.

Who said marriage was easy?

A useful framework for exploring differences in a relationship context is the Myers-Briggs Personality type classification. IMHO an under-appreciated aspect of MBTI is where one partner has an 'underdeveloped secondary'. My wife and I are polar opposite MBTI Types, as are my mother and me (hence my mother and my wife are the same MBTI Type). The key difference between them is that my wife has the capacity to accept fundamental personality differences, whereas my mother really only plays lip-service to that concept. Developing the theme, have a look at the posting at Interpersonal Relationships: INTP/ESFJ where the difficulties of opposite-Type 'lenses on life' are illustrated. Then pause for a moment and consider the implications if the ESFJ mom takes the attitude that she "knows she is right" and cannot, or will not, see that her 'take' on the situation - "disrespect, rebellion, stubborness" etc - was just that i.e. her 'take', not an objective Truth, and that others may see things differently. Difficult then to have any sort of (what I would regard as) a real relationship, honouring differences, respecting others and so on.

The "Underdeveloped Secondary" for ESFJ is well described at http://personalitypage.com/html/ESFJ_per.html (bullet points under side heading "Potential Problem Areas"). Not much fun to be on the receiving end, nor much fun actually for the person on the delivering end ("the narrowly defined ESFJ ... find themselves at odds with any view of the world that does not see their own clearly held judgements to be primary ... a range of effects, *every one of which ends in conflict for the ESFJ, either with others or with their own feelings*.") [my emphasis].

Of course, all the other MBTI Types can have underdeveloped secondaries with the potential to cause distress to themselves and others. They are all described at personalitypage.com and can be accessed by changing the four-letter MBTI acroynm in the link above.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We've done the M-B tests at work and at school. No surprise there. Opposites work as long as there's mutual understanding and respect. Lose that and the marriage is toast.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Thanks for the replies everyone.. it helped to know we arent the only ones..

food to think about


----------

