# I guess I got my answer



## Buck (Sep 1, 2010)

Here is my post from last night....
We have been married 10 years, have 2 kids 5 and 3. I am not sure where I went wrong. I am a solo income provider, and I work about 50 hours per week. She stays home with them by her choice, I have had to take onjobs requiring longer work hours to provide for the family so she could stay home. we live in a great neighborhood where most families are dual income. We bought a house 8 years ago that was a bit dated but I have done a lot of upgrades to try and make it the house she wants (she picked itout from the beginning). I understand it is difficult for her being homewith the kids allday and my nites while work. 

I loveher more then anything in the world andhave always tried to give her everything she wants. From new stuff in the house such as bathroom, windows ect. to time to go out with friends and such. 

yes we have fights about things and she says I get to mad when we fight. I admit I get mad and fustrated when we fight (no violance just get pissed and will grit me teeth and tellher to go away and leave me alone). I get so fustrated cause I feel as though I am giving her everything and she wants more. There is just notenough time inthe day to give her more. 

I am not perfect and Iknow that. But Iknow that and keep trying. 

Over the past year I feel asthough I can not doenough for her, so I try harder. 

now it has come to where there is no passion or affection in our relationship. She never inniates nor wants sex andI feel as though she may love me but is not inlove with me. We had a very passionate relationship in the beginning but now it is gone. The only she will be intimate is if she wants something or has a few drinks. the other night I did a favor for her friend around herhouse which tookabout 3 hours and her comment after was dont think your gonna guilt me into sex now. I said well Idont want guilt sex or sex where I have to do things to get it. 

I am just not sure what else I need to do to passion back. 



Tonite She had a friend over and i was tentative her needs in conversation, getting themwine, taking care of the kids so they had ther time.

Her friend even commented how nice I was and everything. 

then her friend left I put the kids in bed and everything. then I tried kissing her and messging her, she responds please get out of myface. I said huh?? I asked whats wrong, she said nothing. I said dont give me that what am I doing wrong, did I do something wrong? Shesaid ifyou want tohave sex just get itdone with already. I said i dont just want sex i want our passion back.
She response its nothing you did I love you for the father you areand the husband you are and the providing you do and the things you do and give me. I asked are you in love with me?
She says where I want you NO. I ask why. She says i dont know I am just not. She says maybe because I always iniate sex. 
I said well thats not true cause its been over 2 months. Her wellthen i dontknow. 
So i decided to go take a shower and cool off and she goes tosleep. I think i liked it better when she said she was too tired. 

What do I do now???

I dont want to go thru life like this, but I love her and in love with her and my kids....

Please help


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In some ways, I'm in the same boat. In my wife's case, she actually has low libido. Doesn't think about sex with me or anyone else. Does your wife have normal sexual desires but just not with you? If she doesn't get them at all, there's probably a medical explanation and possibly an effective treatment. It's very common and nobody's fault. Just one of those things. She did express love and appreciation for you but just said she didn't desire you sexually (at least at that moment). She might just not feel sexual desire normally at all and it might have nothing to do with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm pretty sure her intent was to be mean and hurtful with those words. Some people wonder about the incredibly high divorce rate. The true mystery is how so many people treat their spouses like dog poop and yet still have one.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Wow...the things she said to you about getting out of her face and getting sex over with already were very harsh. Not the kind of things you say to someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Honestly, not the kind of things you say even to someone you hate. She was cold and mean. 

I notice you don't say that you told her not to treat you that way. Why? Do you think you deserve to be treated that way? Do you enjoy being treated that way? I cannot see the answer to either of those questions being "yes" unless you have self-esteem issues, which it doesn't sound like you do. You need to tell her not to talk to you like that. You need to stand up for yourself. Tell her if she wants to talk to you that way, then she needs to move on, because you deserve better than that. If talking to her, just the two of you, doesn't work, then it's time to involve a counselor. You two seem to either have different expectations of the relationship or difficulty in communicating your expectations to each other, or maybe both. A counselor can help you express yourselves and figure out where you're going with things. 

But don't continue to let her treat you this way. Eventually, you'll go from being in love with her and wanting the passion back to resenting her and wishing to be anywhere but home. And then things will get worse.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Wow, I am embarrassed to say that about 15 years ago I would make similar statements to my husband. Once a week (sometimes longer..female reasons) was not enough. I felt pressure from him constantly and this pressure caused me tremendous pain and made sex less enjoyable for me. My husband also works alot, volunteers and is an all around nice guy but when it comes to sex he is a very high need person and I am not. I got to the point where I felt like the only time I was his priority was when he wanted sex. My need for intimacy is different than his. I want more communication and touching (minus the sex) to feel that I am desirable to him in more ways than sex. Dont let this be an all or nothing situation. I read your prior post and although you do alot...what do you do just with her? I cant speak for her but a massage to me would feel like a ply for sex. I know that this sounds harse and some of the other women here might think that I am nuts but with sex being an issue in my relationship, thats how it would feel to me. I would rather him just speak sweet nothings into my ear or tell me that he missed me while at work or anything positive that had to do with just me. If you ask her she might tell you what she wants....just dont do or tell her what she wants all at once. Keep a mental note of these things and try to incorporate them into your relationship on a regular basis. Unfortunatly there are no quick fixes for marital problems. 
My current situation is that he was recently caught doing things that he admits would hurt him if I were doing them. He said that 3 weeks without sex made him think about our 22+ year relationship and if maybe we should spend some time apart. We both agreed that we would rather work on our relationship. We have both enjoyed being intimate at least once a day and things are going okay. I dont like the idea that our daily lovemaking is due to a potential separation. I would still love him even if the sex was less than what I would like...but I question his love for me when he isnt getting it as often as he would like.
If you love your wife dont make her question you in this way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hope4us,

I have trouble wrapping my head around this line of thinking. How is it that my wife can withhold sex for weeks or months but if I mention sex it's "that's all you want me for."? That's not even logical. If all I wanted was sex, I sure wouldn't put up with being cut off for a few months. This doesn't even sound rational to me.
It is so frustrating to do without sex for months only to be told the solution is more non-sex. That's like a starving man finally reduced to begging for a piece of bread only to be told he should go on a diet. 
Low libido or no, if my wife told me "get out of my face" or "get it over with" when, in desperation, I finally approached her for sex, that would be "it" for me. I would get out of her face...and the house....and the marriage. As long as a person is sane, they should be expected to be able to give at least basic common decency.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When it comes to sex drive, it's difficult to really put yourself in the other's shoes. A woman with a non-existant sex drive does not realize how her spouse with a high or normal sex drive has a need that isn't being met and is causing him to feel frustrated, disconnected, unloved by his wife...she probably just feels like his needs are purely physical and whether he takes care of himself or has sex with her, the need is being met...but he would prefer a warm body to taking care of himself...so she is the piece of meat. I think that's where the rude remarks come from...and I do agree that it was cold and mean...

If she really has no sex drive, sex can still be enjoyable once in the act, but it's much harder to get the ball rolling (no pun intended)...the biggest roadblock IMO is if she harbors any resentment towards you for (big shocker) the exact same things you are missing from lack of sex...feeling connected and loved...but, she doesn't get those things from sex...rather from listening, talking, laughing together...having fun doing things together...where life doesn't revolve around work/kids/bills/etc.

I don't think a woman that feels no sex drive has any idea how it feels to be rejected time and again when you try to pursue her.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Thank you Swedish. 
You are right. It is a feeling of disconnect in an emotional way that has prevented me from connecting in a physical way. 
Emotional,
I said weeks not months. How would you feel if your wife was ready to ditch you after a few weeks of no sex? I am sane and logical, I surely didnt want to leave my husband when by his choice we went months without. You also do not know some of my reasons. These were not posted because it is Buck we are talking to here not...not me....but if you must know...
15 years ago and a few other times since, he has threatened to get it elsewhere if I could not perform DAILY. Counseling has taught us both (because I was in denial about it) that this is a form of both emotional and sexual abuse. Thus my trying to let Buck know not to make this into a huge issue for her. He loves his wife as my husband loves me but where do you draw a line between whats normal and whats abusive on either side?


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Swedish
Everything you said is like hitting the nail on the head. 
This needs more clarifying
"I don't think a woman that feels no sex drive has any idea how it feels to be rejected time and again when you try to pursue her."
Its not always the lack of a sex drive. In my situation it is timing. He stays up late and I go to bed early. Its hard to stay up past midnight when you have to be at work at 7:30 am. I have what I call Bob (battery operated boyfriend) to attest to that. Maybe Buck and his wife are on what I call different time zones. My husband is a bit selfish ( by his own admission) and he rarely makes the effort to come to bed earlier, even when I let him know....its been a few...why dont you come to bed? I let him know that this was my hint, hint to him. Comunication is important.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Sorry Emotional,
I think that I misunderstood your last post and took it way too personally. I realize in reading your earlier post that this was your wife you were talking about and not me. 
15 years ago a therapist recommended mastubation to my husband. He never wanted to do this until then...at least not to my knowledge. He has alsways told me that he would prefer me. I can count on him ..one night without sex and hes back to it. It bothered me a bit but I understand that this is his need, not mine. I still want him, just not as much as he wants me. He made me feel like once a week was abnormal. Thank god for the internet. The issue on frequency of sex and whats normal can be all over the map. We are drawn to our significant other initially through a physical attraction, but we choose to make them a partner in life for reasons that are deeper and more emotional. We know that in order to keep our bodies in shape we must excercise....it is also work to (quote from Swedish)
"listening, talking, laughing together...having fun doing things together"
especially if you have lost touch with doing this over the years.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

Wow okay... I know exactly what's going on here!!!! Because I am Pretty much your wife haha well you know what I mean I am in her position and my husband is you , pretty much, your story made me feel like I was watching a movie about Me and my Husband.

I believe she notices the nice things you do for her, its possible she thinks you are doing these nice things because you think she will give you "sex".

Why are you so interested in sex anyway? 
You can have passion with out sex, by being romantic.

You need to convince her you don"t care about sex and that you care about your relationship more than anything. 

It looks to her like you are putting sex before her..if that makes sense. In other words shes angry because she feels used.

I know this because I act the EXACT same way with my husband because I hope he will get the clue just have faith that he will become more enthusiastic about romance instead of sex all the time. Just think about the other things that make you excited about your wife. It could be
that shes, smart, witty, funny, or even the way she walks, eats, or the way she looks when she wakes up in the morning. 
Now just try to forget about sex for a month and be more romantic. Don't even mention SEX. Let the next time be initiated by her.:smthumbup:

As for you being mad when you guys fight, everyone does men and women just have different ways of showing there anger sometimes. My husband does lot worse then tell me to go away. The best way not to get so angry is to prevent fighting in the first place. Turn your arguments into a debate.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Buck,

Your situation is all too common.

1. Material things, serving your wife, trying to "make her happy", kissing her butt, all these things will only do one thing, kill her sexual attraction to you.

2. A woman that does not respect her man, she will NOT be attracted to him, no matter how much housework or serving drinks or being nice or kissing butt he tries to do. As above, the woman will only see these things as "bribing" for sex! 

You need to do things to increase respect, and stop doing things that kill respect.

And in this same way, then you will see also to do the things that increase sexual attraction, and stop doing things that kill sexual attraction.

To save time, this is what I wrote last week, to someone in the same boat. Actually so many of these boats as to fill the sea, so know you are not alone, but the scenario is very fixable!





I will beat this drum as often as it needs to be beaten but if at ANY time a woman sex drive is not equal to her mans sex drive or exceeding it, then something is missing in the relationship.

Whatever is missing in the relationship, this piece of the puzzle, this is what this piece of the puzzle is not going to be:

It is never going to be complaining about sex, negotiating for sex, bartering for sex, doing housework for sex, being a nice guy for sex, giving flowers for sex, "being a changed man" for sex.

None of these things are going to work, so whether these things are important to you, they should not be important to you thinking it will lead to sex.

Let me ask, was it about any of these things when you and your woman first met and sex was on fire and incredible?

You don't need to answer because I already know. Of course it wasn't!

To make this simple, to (name deleted) and any other good man reading this that wonders what "the secret is to a woman" or any such thing, it is just this:


*A woman is only going to be a sexual to her man as he is making her feel.
*

Do not make this any more complicated than it needs to be.


The solution, simple.

Stop doing things to make your woman feel like she is not sexually attractive.

Start doing things to make your woman feel like she is sexually attractive.


So what is hard about this? What is hard is that most men I am learning do not notice what makes a woman feel sexually attractive.


These things do not make a woman feel attractive:

Being bribed for sex.

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to stand up for himself.

Being desired by a man she doesn't respect (see above).

Being desired by a man that is unwilling to fight for her.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is not desirable to himself.



And these things a woman finds irrestibly attractive:

Being desired by a man that not only knows what he wants, he is willing to pursue what he wants.

Being desired by a man that not only will stand up for himself, but seems to enjoy doing so.

Being desired by a man that commands respect.

Being desired by a man that has demonstrated he willing fight for her (even if the one he is fighting IS her).

Being desired by a man that desirable to other women.

Being desired by a man that is confident and bold and comfortable with himself.



So in all this, if you are a good man not satisfied with the sex life, stop being on the first list, and start being on the second list!

I wish you well.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Its the quality time and not the quantity. 
We have a couple that we hang out with and they are always gushing over each other. They have been married 20 years and are still all goofy for each other. My friend says it because they play together(not sexually) and even when they are angry with each other, they try to play nice with each other until they are having fun again. She says sex is never an issue...it could be twice a week or every other month...it doesnt matter, because they enjoy playing together.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Bigbadwolf tells true. The list of irrestibly attractive is dead on. My husband possesses them all. He makes me feel secure, and safe.


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