# In need of some advice!!!



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Hey ladies,
I have been now working on my marriage for several months and my husband and I have been having "issues" now for over a year. We have been married for almost 2 1/2 years. I wish I could give you an idea of our relationship up to know, but here is the gist. After going through therapy, we have been able to improve our communication and we are getting along much better now. However, our issues have not improved. My husband said today that he felt as if he had closed a door and now he cannot reopen it. One of our main issues is lack of intimacy. He claimed that he needed to feel closer, etc. to be able to be intimate with me. Well, I have been going above and beyond, being patient, having fun, planning thigns to do w/ his parents, etc. thinking that if we improved our overall relationship, he would feel closer. 

So today, he says that he feels closer in some ways, but not other (see door comment above). I am at a loss, I am trying to be positive and not jump to conclusions too fast, but it is really demoralizing when you try to make a move with your husband and he says no. It never seems to be a good time for intimacy. Other than sex, he does say he loves me, and gives me hugs / kisses, but nothing else.

Our second main issue isthat he does not know if he wants to have children. However, he will not even entertain a conversation about it until our issues are better. The other day he suggested it may take him 2 years to get to a good place -- 

Here is my issue, I am 31 and want to have children. How can one determine whether things can be fixed or not? I don't want to spend the next 2 or 3 years working on something and then have my husband tell me he does not want children at all (he is 37). 

I guess my long drawn question is - how can you determine how long is enough? We have had several conversations where we discussed whether we would be satisfied with the way things are for the rest of our lives, and concluded that we would not. I almost feel like I am on the titanic. The ship is sinking, now more amicably, but still sinking. I don't know where we went so wrong, but I am not sure if it can be fixed. I have been working so hard, and have not accomplish much other than for us to communicate better.

Thanks for your input.


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## sweetpeaflower (Sep 23, 2010)

You need to get a straight answer about children. Not wanting to talk about it for 2 years is ridiculous. You could spend a fortune on counseling, work on your marriage till it does improve, but what good is that going to do when the bottom issue I'm hearing is the idea of children. If he is against it and you are dead set for it, then there is really no way to resolve it. You'd be better off finding someone who fits into what you want. Didn't you discuss this before marriage?
About the intimacy part--Is there a weight or image issue? Has there been cheating or lying within the relationship? If he says he loves you, then why are you having this intimacy problem? Something is going on.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Has he told you what he needs you to do to feel closer to you?
You have been working hard, but what is he doing to improve the marriage?

A man at 37 knows weather he wants children or not.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He doesn't want to be intimate with you.
He doesn't want children with you.
And a door has closed that he doesn't think will open.

Hmmm... Let's see...

Oh, I know! Leave him. What is keeping you? My wife doesn't want to be intimate with me. She hasn't said it, but her door closed YEARS ago. The ONLY thing keeping me here right now is my kids. 

Another oprion is threaten to leave. Tell him everything you told us and that you've made a decision to not be stuck in a loveless, childless marriage for the rest of your life. He'll either say "OK, that's probably for the best" or he'll freak. That's what I did when I finally pried it out of my wife that she'd emotionally left the marriage years prior. It changed me immediately. But guess what? It was too late for her. She was gone. Door closed long ago. I'll never get her back. I wish to GOD she had that conversation with me before we had kids.

I have never seen an instance where kids have made a marriage stronger. I'm old. My "starting over" days are over. I'm stuck with my crappy marriage. You are young. You can do something about it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How long did you go to therapy? Did you both go? What did the therapist say?


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