# Wife making more



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

I know this is probably a silly thing to overthink in 2017, but being a financial conservative that I am, it started bothering me lately that my wife makes more. This used to not bother me when our income was around the same, but she's 20~25k /year above what I am bringing home after 6 years as a charge nurse (I have about double the experience that in business field). I am certainly not a millionaire or nowhere near top earners locally or anything but I still make enough to keep our family afloat in a pretty decent neighborhood in southern california on my income alone. The point is that now days, whenever my wife says something or does anything mean, I mentally correlate that with our income disparity and get sort of bitter about it. I don't know if its all in my head or the earning difference does cause certain level of disdain.

Any hubbies that had similar experience or wives who make more than hubby have inputs?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Dave- between the hidden panties, bodily functions and wife besting you in the money dept AND you live in the OC?- you are just straight up Effed.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Dave- between the hidden panties, bodily functions and wife besting you in the money dept AND you live in the OC?- you are just straight up Effed.


I think you might be right. I can see how this would look psychotic, but there are many aspects to our marriage that is kind of all over the place. but if I may add, it sounds crazy when seeing these topics as a whole but they are separate issues that I kind of mentally dont correlate with one another. I am obviously not putting up all the good stuff cuz I dont need input/comments on them


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Don't know the rest of your story but TBH $25k per year is not very much so I doubt it would be an issue for her. You questioned if it is all in your head, well if you have an issue with her earning more then maybe you are projecting your insecurities out there and she is seeing a weak man.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

DaveinOC said:


> I think you might be right. I can see how this would look psychotic, but there are many aspects to our marriage that is kind of all over the place. but if I may add, it sounds crazy when seeing these topics as a whole but they are separate issues that I kind of mentally dont correlate with one another. I am obviously not putting up all the good stuff cuz I dont need input/comments on them


Look- just trying to keep up with whatever Jones( hopefully not Fletcher) you happen to live next door to in Orange County is enough to break a decent man. Throw in the rest of the **** that gets shoveled your way, her way and your kids way everyday is just not worth it.

You are obviously struggling with a multitude of issues and you can go pay some NEWPS over- priced MC who has the SAME GD problems as you.

Sell the house, pack up the wife and new panties and go try to find some quality of life other than what car you drive and what you spend at South Coast Plaza. 

GTFO.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DaveinOC said:


> I know this is probably a silly thing to overthink in 2017, but being a financial conservative that I am, it started bothering me lately that my wife makes more. This used to not bother me when our income was around the same, but she's 20~25k /year above what I am bringing home after 6 years as a charge nurse (I have about double the experience that in business field). I am certainly not a millionaire or nowhere near top earners locally or anything but I still make enough to keep our family afloat in a pretty decent neighborhood in southern california on my income alone. The point is that now days, whenever my wife says something or does anything mean, I mentally correlate that with our income disparity and get sort of bitter about it. I don't know if its all in my head or the earning difference does cause certain level of disdain.
> 
> Any hubbies that had similar experience or wives who make more than hubby have inputs?


What is stopping you from making more? Your salary isn't stagnant. Learn to be ambitious. Go get some training, work to get promoted. Figure out a job that no one is doing that you can do well.

I just read the hidden panties post again. Dude dump your wife. Seriously it will be the best move you could make.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sokillme said:


> What is stopping you from making more? Your salary isn't stagnant. Learn to be ambitious. Go get some training, work to get promoted. Figure out a job that no one is doing that you can do well.



Uh- he is ambitious. Ok?

The 405/5 interchange makes or breaks a man.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Nurse, makes more money than you, hiding panties. There's basically a 100% chance she's screwing someone else, that's the trifecta.

Men don't really factor in what a woman makes when considering a relationship, this factors heavily into a woman's decision to marry or have a serious relationship. if she makes more than you it will cause an issue eventually.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know couples where the wife earns more and its not an issue, as they see all income as theirs and not yours or mine. A secure man wont worry about it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Go live in OC for 1 year and get back to Dave.

Hey Dave!
Get more ambitious, take courses at Saddleback and get secure!

Quit checking the panties, keep farting and dump her.

Lose basically everything and screwup your kids but you are going to have to figure out how to pay for their wardrobe needs cause they have to fit in.

And yep! Your wife is probably screwing the following 

1) dr of some sort in her hospital
2) personal trainer
3) the pool dude
4) any of the kidlets coaches
5) you next door neighbor
6) your secretary 
7) the UPS dude and/or the pizza delivery dude
9) the bagger at Ralph's/Costco or Riteaid
10) fill in the blank
11) world of Warcraft / Marioland/pacman online buddy.
12 ) AM FWB that lives 2 doors down
A veritable all you can eat of effbuddies to be had in the OC.

Topeka probably the same options.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nurse - one of the highest probabilities of cheating.
Makes more than you - usually equals no respect and even less sex.
Panty issue - enough said.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I know couples where the wife earns more and its not an issue, as they see all income as theirs and not yours or mine. A secure man wont worry about it.


You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There have been a lot of studies done on this and the expectation is that the man should earn more than the woman in a marriage, and the highest rates of being cheated on and divorced are if you're a SAHD. if she's significantly out earning the man she thinks "what's he bringing to the table". Men don't think like this but women do.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Divorce her while she makes more than you. She will owe you support. Use that money to hit the gym and buy a new wardrobe and get a woman who respects you. She will marry a doctor and you will both be happy. Remain married at your peril.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What? I make 35K more then Mr. L and it has nothing to do with my respect for him. 

He's gainfully employed, I just happen to be in a nerd field that pays a lot. 

He's a man who doesn't whine and handles things. The money has nothing to do with it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear DaveinOC.

Think of yourself as having married well!. I am 68 and started to scale back at work my hours of work. My wife is not making more than I do, especially, because I did a Social Security file & suspend so she and I can keep increasing our age 70 retirement income. 

It is no big deal. Read some of the problems on the website. It this is the worst thing in your marriage, you are blessed. Look at the guys whose wives cheat on them, refuse to have sex with them, are drunkards. You have it pretty darn good, your problem is that you married a high paid woman.

Good luck.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear DaveinOC.
> 
> Think of yourself as having married well!. I am 68 and started to scale back at work my hours of work. My wife is not making more than I do, especially, because I did a Social Security file & suspend so she and I can keep increasing our age 70 retirement income.
> 
> ...


Evidently, you haven't read his other threads. That is not the only issue in his marriage. There is also no sexual intimacy.



I find the male-female paradigm in this thread interesting (with the above poster being an exception). Males saying there is something suspicious and females saying there isn't and you are insecure. @DaveinOC considering the panty thread you started, I think you have good reason to be suspicious. And yes, women making more than men usually changes the way to they look at the man in a negative way. Some of the female posters think just because they don't feel that way towards their man who earns less that means it is the norm. It very often makes a certain disrespect enter the relationship for the lower earning man.

Of course, this happens when the man is making more than the women too sometimes but not as often as the opposite situation. Traditional gender roles say that the man should be the main breadwinner and this is lodged deep in people's subconscious. So many women subconsciously think this way. It would be a win to be with a higher earning woman sans this disrespect. The two of you are making enough dough to go on vacations and do all kinds of things like that. But life isn't ideal like that all the time.

Also, I echo what other posters have said about nursing being a high infidelity profession. Yet another reason to be suspicious. There is no smoking gun so don't condemn her to the lake of fire just yet. But get your antennas up. This is bad. No one wants to be in these positions. But you need to get your big boy shoes on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There have been a lot of studies done on this and the expectation is that the man should earn more than the woman in a marriage, and the highest rates of being cheated on and divorced are if you're a SAHD. if she's significantly out earning the man she thinks "what's he bringing to the table". Men don't think like this but women do.


 It depends on the couple. I have a marriage in my close family similar. They are the happiest couple with the best marriage I know of. He works from home part time and looks after their 2 very small children, and she works full time. They are a team and share everything and adore each other.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Hey Dave, similar situation for us. I’m an RN (taking travel contracts in CA currently, even had a 13 week contract at Torrance Memorial Medical Center — one of my favorite travel assignments to date  ) with nearly 7 years experience. My H is an electrician and up until 2 years ago he worked in the oilfields, in our area that was both preferable and profitable. I have consistently made a minimum of $5/hr more as a staff nurse and upwards of $40,000 more per year as a travel nurse. My H could not care less! He brags about me and my contribution to our finances to anyone who will listen! He’s now doing his own version of traveling with an electrician union and has been taking jobs in the Bay Area. His hourly rate with these projects have jumped anywhere from $20-30/hr so our situation is now reversed — and I brag about him 

We see this as a partnership and all monies are deposited into our joint account, neither of us have separate bank accounts. Who cares if I make more or if he does? It’s all going to the same place and being used for the provision and betterment of our family. Way too many other issues to nitpick and build resentment over — money isn’t one of them!

ETA: I have read your other threads and wholeheartedly agree that who makes more money is a bit of a ridiculous issue for you to worry or stress over right now. I have never cheated but I have worked with a lot of nurses who do. Stop stressing the income disparity and get an STD check, a lawyer and a divorce, preferably in that order.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> Go live in OC for 1 year and get back to Dave.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I realize I’m missing the point but I can’t help it. I had to laugh out loud at this — my oldest is in her first year of college at Saddleback and has called nearly every week asking for money because she did not estimate her living expenses realistically at all


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

EunuchMonk said:


> Evidently, you haven't read his other threads. That is not the only issue in his marriage. There is also no sexual intimacy.
> 
> 
> ...... It very often makes a certain disrespect enter the relationship for the lower earning man.
> ...


You are correct, I haven't connected the dots on other threads started by the OP. I didn't realize that was required. 

Yes some folks are "old school" in regards to traditional gender roles. However, this is the 21st Century and we are suppose to have evolved. I mean it is a crime to have different pay scales for men versus women doing the same job. Not everyone has evolved, but to each their own.

Too many people view their job and paycheck as a means of valuing themself in relation to others. 

I value myself on the basis of what I contribute to society. I think that the OP should as well and not compare himself to others, even in OC, as hard as episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" would have you believe.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband and I out-earned one another variously throughout our careers. The only one who had a problem with it was his mom - a sahm with old-school notions.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

The problem is that not everyone knows how they will react until it happens. Some women will think they would be fine with it but then discover they don't like it when it happens. Some men think it would be excellent and then find it bothers them. Telling a woman "you are wrong to find your husband less attractive when he earns less than you do" might be PC but it probably does not cause the wife to find her husband more attractive. So the couple has to deal with her actual feelings (if they arise), not with what they wish were her feelings and certainly not to dismiss them as "wrong" and hence irrelevant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. There have been a lot of studies done on this and the expectation is that the man should earn more than the woman in a marriage, and the highest rates of being cheated on and divorced are if you're a SAHD. if she's significantly out earning the man she thinks "what's he bringing to the table". Men don't think like this but women do.


Men who are married to women who earn more are more likely to cheat... 75% more likely. Sounds to me like it's the men who have the problem.

I have earned significantly more than my husbands. I never had a problem with it. They did, not me. They cheated, not me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP the problem is not the income disparity. Your real issue is the possible infidelity and lack of intimacy. That is what you need to be focusing on. Start doing some sleuthing.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> and not compare himself to others, even in OC, as hard as episodes of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" would have you believe.



But here is the kicker- "the real Housewives of Orange County" are actually REAL.

Whilst they may create fake drama to have an entertaining storyline- the rest of it is an OC ideal.

Even if you don't live in Newport or the other tony zip codes- you are saturated with exactly thatRHOC standard of living ambition . Commute to work? You judge yourself by the car you DONT drive.

Forget the pressure your kids get at school. Everyday.

Pay no attention to the fact that the majority RHOC cast mates have huge CC debt and no real wealth.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> But here is the kicker- "the real Housewives of Orange County" are actually REAL.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




That is very true. My H was born in Santa Ana , HS/college and first few years after all in Huntington Beach. Totally different mindset. He married a girl who grew up dirt poor in the ag country, he moved to her area but brought his OC wages and spending habits. His xw ran through $300,000 of his savings and a sizable portion of his workers comp annuity in less than 3 years with nothing tangible to show for it. She couldn’t reconcile the huge difference in wages that he encountered after the move and since he had spoiled her OC style while dating, she fully expected the entire marriage to be the same way. 

It’s like the book, Millionaire Teacher — those who have only known poverty and then encounter wealth are far less likely to be able to maintain the wealth. To this day, she still has financial issues — her current h Waac expecting a medical settlement and she spent on credit accounts as if it was already in the bank. When the lawsuit ended with the judgement only for medical expenditures already incurred and denied pain/suffering/lost wages, she nearly lost her business due to tax issues. My H says he’s partially at fault for her lack of financial wisdom — he thought that she would see financial matters the same way he did. She didn’t, and he paid a heavy price for it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

KaraBoo0723 said:


> That is very true. My H was born in Santa Ana , HS/college and first few years after all in Huntington Beach. Totally different mindset. He married a girl who grew up dirt poor in the ag country, .


Imagine if he had married a homegrown OC girl.

The pressure in Orange County is enormous .


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo makes more than me, but he's older and in a more profitable point of his career. He is, however, old school and not current on the standards and technologies. He is needed for his knowledge of legacy systems. I have just finished a masters, have a professional certification in my field which by requirement I must maintain with ongoing education, and was given a large raise in the last year. He still makes over 1/3 more than I do, but in a few more years we may come close and he says that based on what I do, he feels it's a certainty I will eventually earn more. I am, admittedly, older than most people who reach this level of achievement in life, and that's due to uprooting myself 2x for my first marriage and having a difficult time finding work both times. Plus, I have historically accepted less pay than is the average for my many years of experience due to not having the correct "notariety" or credentials. I have been working steadfastly since I was 16 with the only break being the required wait for my permanent residency when I moved abroad so I could work legally.

I don't think he would be resentful if by some chance I ended up making more than him. I think he'd probably be more resentful if my job absorbed far too much of my time to be able to spend any with him.


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