# I need help and support with my husbands porn addiction



## bella738

I don't know where to start.
Background:
I have been with my husband 5ys and married 3. We have a 2.5yr old girl. He is my first and only everything: kiss, love, sex... He is 17yrs older than me. When we met, I was VERY VERY naive. I was literally raised in a religious cult, he was my "savior", he helped me out, helped me learn the world and learn what life is about. I have a college degree and and a great career in health care as does he. 
Because of my strict upbringing, I went through a "stage" where I was open to life and peoples beliefs. Choosing not to judge. One area was porn. I am not a prude, but it quickly became apparent to me that he had more than a "normal" interest in pornography. Towards the end of the first year, I started urging him to cut down on his amount. When I say amount, I mean whole hard drives pictures and videos. I started becoming jealous when he just was interested in having sex anymore. He was too tired, too stressed, not in the mood... but I would find whole hoards of the crap. 

Another side note, he is a hoarder. Not as bad as you seen in the reality TV show, but really really close. At first, I thought he hoarded porn like everything else in his life. 

He loves this pirating software that allows him to download movies for "free" but he allows it to come unfiltered into our computer. He would at first say that he had not had a chance to delete it, but then I would find it categorized into types!! 

A breaking point for me what when I found child pornography that had been downloaded though this program. I was molested as a child and it was horrifying to me. He said that it was an accident, yada yada yada. My stand to him was if he couldn't control what came through on lime-wire, he couldn't have it. 

I have delete thousands of pictures, close to a thousand videos of porn since then. He denies addiction, but I feel differently. He seemly "got better" with it since our daughter was born, but I have suspected that he has gotten better at hiding it. 

Back in February, I found a bunch of recent porn(ALL kinds) on his hard-drive that he kept with him at all time. I hit the roof, demanded that he go to therapy. 

Last week, I came home from work to find a window left up on the computer for an internet "sex" site. He had been looking at web cams. His profile had him single...I then checked his email, also left up and he had joined another website in February(after the huge blow up) where the sub title was "life is short, have an affair" Again, his profile had him as SINGLE.

I told him I was done, I wanted a divorce. I have given him multiple chances to get help. I will not allow my daughter to "find" this crap later. He swears it was nothing but "curiosity" he doesn't have a problem, he loves me and it isn't worth me being "mad about" 

He "suddenly" after 5 years has this "sex" drive. but i am so over it and done. He left his lap top open yesterday and had lime-wire going and it had all kinds of nasty porn in the que. 

I am making plans to leave, but does anyone have any advise or support?


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## Syrum

I think you should leave. Honestly reading that just makes me feel ill. I really can't understand why someone would ever think that behaviour is OK in or out of a relationship.

Th e child pornography would have had me calling the police. Perhaps it's the wake up call he needs. He obviously needs a huge shock.


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## trey69

I would pack your things and your childs, and leave ASAP. 

Its one thing to have loads of porn on a computer but quite another for there to be child porn. You have a child, so its in your best interest to get her out of that situation. 

Not sure if this will help with your decision or not. I recently read an article in our local newspaper, where a man had been arrested for having child porn on his computer. When he was arrested and the computer was confiscated, his wife was also arrested. The reason being was, she confessed to knowing the child porn was there, but decided to stay in hopes her husband would change his ways and get some help. They had twin daughters who were 4 years old. They were removed from the home and placed with a family member until the judge felt it was ok for them to be with their mother. 

Bottom line, the judge felt she was putting her kids in possibly harms way because she knew about the child porn! Anyway, as far as your husband, he will have to want to get some kind of help. You could always leave a note of a helpful website for people with porn addictions, or for a local support group that deals with SA for him.

Even if you plan on leaving, it still might be best if you checked out a local support group too, for people involved with a loved one who has a sexual addiction.


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## bella738

Thank you! I feel the same way. I am absolutely sickened. I saved the hard drive that has the crap to use in m defense in leaving if need be. I don't believe that he is a pedophile, but he can't contol his addiction to stop allowing all porn to come into our lives. I have said the same to him that WE can't go to jail and loose our daughter! He says if you find it delete it, bla bla bla. I am done, I want a better life for me and my daughter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

Although you are deleting things, (which is fine) if that computer was ever confiscated or anything, those files/websites can still be pulled back up. Files/websites are never truly gone. 

I'm glad you want a better life for you and your daughter! You deserve one.


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## CallaLily

I wouldn't delete anything else. If you are leaving it shouldn't matter anyway. Leave and leave that computer with him.

Him asking you to delete things, is like him wanting you to cover his tracks. That's not going to work anyway. If people want to find out something bad enough, deleting things isn't going to "erase" what he has been viewing. 

When you said child porn, are there actual kids in it? Or maybe its just grown women posing as "young teen girls" which I still do not get either, and can't stand. Anyway, he does seem to have a problem. I'm glad you're leaving.


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## MariaR

bella738 said:


> I don't know where to start.
> Background:
> I have been with my husband 5ys and married 3. We have a 2.5yr old girl. He is my first and only everything: kiss, love, sex... He is 17yrs older than me. When we met, I was VERY VERY naive. I was literally raised in a religious cult, he was my "savior", he helped me out, helped me learn the world and learn what life is about. I have a college degree and and a great career in health care as does he.
> Because of my strict upbringing, I went through a "stage" where I was open to life and peoples beliefs. Choosing not to judge. One area was porn. I am not a prude, but it quickly became apparent to me that he had more than a "normal" interest in pornography. Towards the end of the first year, I started urging him to cut down on his amount. When I say amount, I mean whole hard drives pictures and videos. I started becoming jealous when he just was interested in having sex anymore. He was too tired, too stressed, not in the mood... but I would find whole hoards of the crap.
> 
> Another side note, he is a hoarder. Not as bad as you seen in the reality TV show, but really really close. At first, I thought he hoarded porn like everything else in his life.
> 
> He loves this pirating software that allows him to download movies for "free" but he allows it to come unfiltered into our computer. He would at first say that he had not had a chance to delete it, but then I would find it categorized into types!!
> 
> A breaking point for me what when I found child pornography that had been downloaded though this program. I was molested as a child and it was horrifying to me. He said that it was an accident, yada yada yada. My stand to him was if he couldn't control what came through on lime-wire, he couldn't have it.
> 
> I have delete thousands of pictures, close to a thousand videos of porn since then. He denies addiction, but I feel differently. He seemly "got better" with it since our daughter was born, but I have suspected that he has gotten better at hiding it.
> 
> Back in February, I found a bunch of recent porn(ALL kinds) on his hard-drive that he kept with him at all time. I hit the roof, demanded that he go to therapy.
> 
> Last week, I came home from work to find a window left up on the computer for an internet "sex" site. He had been looking at web cams. His profile had him single...I then checked his email, also left up and he had joined another website in February(after the huge blow up) where the sub title was "life is short, have an affair" Again, his profile had him as SINGLE.
> 
> I told him I was done, I wanted a divorce. I have given him multiple chances to get help. I will not allow my daughter to "find" this crap later. He swears it was nothing but "curiosity" he doesn't have a problem, he loves me and it isn't worth me being "mad about"
> 
> He "suddenly" after 5 years has this "sex" drive. but i am so over it and done. He left his lap top open yesterday and had lime-wire going and it had all kinds of nasty porn in the que.
> 
> I am making plans to leave, but does anyone have any advise or support?


My 1st marriage ended because of my husband's sex addiction (porn, sex chat rooms, doing the live web cam thing). It got to the point where I had lost respect for myself. I became a single mom... it was difficult financially, emotionally... but I was a better mom in the long run.

I am now on my 2nd marriage and lo and behold! What I thought was just a passing fancy turns out to be another porn addict. Though I've seen some changes and he's a better person than my 1st husband, I think too much damage has been done and am now contemplating a separation.

Be strong for yourself and your kids. You'll be surprised how much freer you'll feel once you let your husband's addictions become his issues and not yours.


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## Runs like Dog

I really don't know what to suggest. The whole concept is foreign to me. In any case if you think it requires some kind of drastic therapeutic approach like any other addiction then that's what you have to do.


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## AngieMarie

Get your kid and LEAVE. I would call the police.. And let them come get the computer. If there is kiddie porn, everyone can get in trouble. What if he were to say it was yours? You might have protective services knocking on your door asking you questions.


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## PartnerSPEAK

bella738 said:


> I am making plans to leave, but does anyone have any advise or support?


Hi Bella,

I realise that you posted over a year ago but from personal experience I know that there is very limited support (if any) available when you learn that your partner has been accessing child pornography.

Did you leave? Are you okay? How's your daughter? And, have you managed to rebuild your life to some degree?

I learned that my (ex) husband was accessing child pornography ten years ago and when I tried to seek help it was appalling. The counsellor was titillated by our story and said it was very 'Eyes Wide Shut' and police didn't believe me or follow up the report I made. My best friend didn't let me stay with her for a few nights when I left my ex as she didn't want to get involved and his family and friends ostracised me (not him) because how could I be so terrible to ruin his life by speaking out? 

Because I could not find any support when I needed it I have now set up an online forum for women who learn that their partner is accessing child pornography. I'm in Australia and make some references to Australian services on the site but it is open to anyone, anywhere in the world. You are very welcome to visit the website, read, join, comment, ask questions, ask for help...

This site disallows the posting of website addresses but the name of my forum is PartnerSPEAK and if you google it all as one word it is one of the first webpages that comes up in search. If you have any trouble please feel free to message me back through this site.

I hope you are in a much better situation that when you posted this a year ago.

Best wishes,
Natalie


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## hiswife628

Bella, 
I know this is an older thread but I too found a small amount of primarily just search terms for kid like porn on my husbands files. His searches were "non nude pre-teen panties" I was and am disturbed. I know it's hard to think about let alone talk about. If you want to talk you can send me a private message if that's easier. I don't know if you have reached resolution yet, but I know it took a lot for me to sign up here and to talk about it. I know I wish I had someone I could just talk to but I don't want family or friends to hold this all against my husband. I can imagine you'd have similar views. 

I can say its obvious he's attracted to younger women considering he's so much older than you. My husband is actually 2 and a half years younger than me. 

Hugs and luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kbreeze

Yeah its prob time to leave him or at least separte if you still have strong feelings and maybe he can get some help or counceling. However coming from a 20 year Porn addict myself its easier said than done. I have not gone to the depths of your husband and the child porn is def scary and its something you probably will never be able to get over.
Porn has affected my life and although i am not married have been in a long term relationship. Recently I have admitted my porn addiction to her after hiding it for 8 years. But it has not helped. I have seen a counselor and that has not helped so I really dont have the answers on how to stop. 
Sometimes you have to lose something before you realize what you had, and maybe leaving him will be what he needs to get his act together. Good luck.


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## PartnerSPEAK

kbreeze said:


> . I have seen a counselor and that has not helped so I really dont have the answers on how to stop.


Hi there,
These people are based in Australia but they have international contacts; they are all about assisting people who feel they are addicted to pornography. They've studied the neuro-science and how the brain works and what goes into producing pornography to encourage people to get hooked. You may find some of their links interesting.

(A Christian man runs the organisation but the psychologists/neuro-scientists/experts they work with and recommend are not necessarily Christian so if that's not your cup of tea don't let it put you off)


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## PartnerSPEAK

hiswife628 said:


> I know it took a lot for me to sign up here and to talk about it. I know I wish I had someone I could just talk to but I don't want family or friends to hold this all against my husband. I can imagine you'd have similar views.


It's such a difficult balance to have compassion for our partners/husbands as a person and to see that he must be damaged/hurt in some way *AND* to (at the same time) hold him to account for his actions that exploit vulnerable children. That's how I feel and others that I've talked with; does that resonate with you? I know women who have been criticised by their families for having sympathy for their partner and have been told that they are colluding with him/enabling him. 

It's clear that both you and Bella are sickened by your husband's actions. I think it is possible to be both horrified by what he's doing and also be concerned for him about why he's doing it. A lot of people don't get that.

How are you? Have you confronted your partner? Have you been able to talk to anyone (other than posting here)? How are you coping?

I don't want to add to your worries but I also want you to be informed and aware that for many people there is a spiral of desensitisation to pornography. They may begin at looking at adult legal pornorgraphy, then get bored/desensitised and start looking at things like you are describing (legal but pretending to be children/young people) and then again become more desensitised and their behaviour can escalate (its like 'risk taking,' it takes more and more for someone to get the same 'hit') and the person can end up accessing material that they previously found abhorrent / had no intention of accessing. If someone is able to intervene and your husband can get help if he is, at the moment, on this spiral of desensitisation he can be helped before he access content that really does abuse children. Does that make sense?

We've recently added a 'Members Only' section to the PartnerSPEAK website to give people privacy (as you said, it can be very difficult to get the courage to post and talk about this). Most of the ParterSPEAK website is visible to anyone (including guests who are not logged in) because we want the information and support to be available to all people without them having to sign-up and log-in. The members section is only visible to people who have registered with their email address and are logged in. Everyone on PartnerSPEAK has personal experience of discovering that their partner/husband has been involved in child pornography. You are very welcome to 'pop in' and chat with others and ask for advice if you think this may be of benefit.

PartnerSPEAK • Index page

Take care,
Natalie


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