# Husband will not do ANYTHING......



## twomoonlight

where to start. I returned to work(full time last year). My husband will not help with anything around the house, inside or out. Will not cook dinner, help clean it up, do a load of laundry, or even bath the kids....tuck them in etc.

He has gotten really bad, he has this attitude that he works and the weekend is "his days off" and he will DO NOTHING on the weekend.

this past weekend he slept until 12pm on Saturday. Got up and hit the couch. Where he stayed until 6pm that night. Then we went out to dinner/ came home and he returned to couch. 

Sunday he slept until 2pm...got up and hit the couch once more. stayed there all day. Ate dinner and returned to couch. I asked him during the day if he was going to change his tire on his car and he said "no, it was his day off leave him alone don't bug him!". Well I asked how it would get inspected by the end of the month if he didn't change the tire? He said he would not change it, it's his day off and he'd just have it towed to the garage. 

When I said I thought it was a waste of money...he told me "time is money and money is time" and he is not doing it on his day off, so he will pay to have it towed. When I said again about it being a waste of money I was told it is his money and he'll do what he wants.....

below is background on his car/tire

His tire went flat on his car and it's due for inspection by the end of the month. I asked him to change the tire so that I could get it inspected while he is at work and it will be ready to go at the end of the month.(he has to turn in his lease then, and will have to drive this car for work). 

I just want to get it taken care of before he is screwed. What will eventually happen is at the end of the month he will panic and have the car towed, the garage will overcharge us for towing and inspection because it's the end of the month and we need the car asap. He will take my car(even though I work and I will be stuck trying to get a ride to and from work, or asking my family to shuffle me around because he will need to get to work.)

So basically what the heck do I do?

How can I get my husband to see that his expectations of "his weekend off" is just crazy. What man out there doesn't lift a finger to do ANYTHING on the weekend.

For the record he doesn't do anything inside or outside of the house either.

We have a lawn man, I take care off all the gardening, mulch, weeding/ painting, garbage, any home maintenance I can possible do. Whatever I can't we have to call someone because he won't do anything on his days off.


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## Syrum

He sounds like a loser. Sorry but that is true.

Even if you were home all day and not working, your husband should be supportive and do what he can to help you. But you are both working, so when is your day off?

And as far as the kids are concerned, I have absolutely no respect for someone who will not care for their children. I could not be with a man like that.


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## twomoonlight

he is highly educated, but yes he does sound like a loser....

Do you think he is depressed? I shouldn't say he does nothing with the kids, he will play with our son(daughter is older and kind of past the play age!)....he does do some camping things with our son as well. It's not so much the child care part I'm upset about, it's the whole "weekends off" thing....WTF, who gets weekends off when you are a working and raising a family?


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## turnera

I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business.

You are translating your anger at his unwillingness to help you into his unwillingness to do his own car repair. Keep them separate, or your marriage will devolve into worse issues.

Here's what I see. You went back to work but, because you're the woman, he expects you to still fit all the 'womenly' duties in as WELL as your new full-time job. Right?

I'm in the same boat. I was. My IC told me to pick something in all the things I had to get done, to ask my husband to do. ONE thing. I asked him. He refused! He said he'd never know when he could be 'available' to handle any chores.

So I fumed and fumed and fumed. Then I realized that he just expects everything to be done. But guess what? Everything doesn't HAVE to be done. Especially things that affect him and not me.

So I quit doing his laundry.

A few weeks went by as I continued to do everything else, and his choice of clean clothes got smaller and smaller, til he had almost nothing to wear. Then, he chewed me out!

I just stood there, calmly, and said 'Oh, I'm sorry. When I asked you to pick ONE chore that you would be responsible for, and you REFUSED, I had to do something. I couldn't continue to work full time and ALSO be responsible for the entire family. So I went and picked one chore FOR you. Your laundry. If you don't do it, no skin off MY nose. I've got OTHER work to do."

Guess what? He started manning up and taking care of things. 

And I started washing his clothes again.


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## twomoonlight

"I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business."

but it is my business when it affects me and my ability to get to work and it takes money out of our bank account because he refused to change a flat tire.

My problem is what do you do about a man who feels he is entitled to do NOTHING at all in life on his days off.(which means every weekend). That is what I am dealing with...how do I convey to him that his expectations are completely out of whack?


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## turnera

Did you read the rest of my post?


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## twomoonlight

yes, I tried that, the pool I asked him to put away last fall is still in our back yard...we look like white trash thanks to him. He will not do anything. I stopped washing his clothes, I told him I'd start again when he put them in a mesh bag and brought them down stairs, he never did. Now about once a month or so he will do his own wash...and ***** and complain about how I do nothing for him.


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## Mom6547

turnera said:


> I think that how he takes care of his car is none of your business.
> 
> You are translating your anger at his unwillingness to help you into his unwillingness to do his own car repair. Keep them separate, or your marriage will devolve into worse issues.
> 
> Here's what I see. You went back to work but, because you're the woman, he expects you to still fit all the 'womenly' duties in as WELL as your new full-time job. Right?
> 
> I'm in the same boat. I was. My IC told me to pick something in all the things I had to get done, to ask my husband to do. ONE thing. I asked him. He refused! He said he'd never know when he could be 'available' to handle any chores.
> 
> So I fumed and fumed and fumed. Then I realized that he just expects everything to be done. But guess what? Everything doesn't HAVE to be done. Especially things that affect him and not me.
> 
> So I quit doing his laundry.


Yup. I am not "available" to do your laundry. This is not snottiness. This is effective limit setting.




> A few weeks went by as I continued to do everything else, and his choice of clean clothes got smaller and smaller, til he had almost nothing to wear. Then, he chewed me out!
> 
> I just stood there, calmly, and said 'Oh, I'm sorry. When I asked you to pick ONE chore that you would be responsible for, and you REFUSED, I had to do something. I couldn't continue to work full time and ALSO be responsible for the entire family. So I went and picked one chore FOR you. Your laundry. If you don't do it, no skin off MY nose. I've got OTHER work to do."
> 
> Guess what? He started manning up and taking care of things.
> 
> And I started washing his clothes again.


Yay!


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## twomoonlight

> Yup. I am not "available" to do your laundry. This is not snottiness. This is effective limit setting.


but what do you do when this doesn't work? My husband refuses to do anything on his days off! (and of course won't do anything after a "long work day".:scratchhead:


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## Voiceofreason

By any objective basis, your husband is an A-hole. Doing nothing to help at home, when the wife works and there is a family and home to operate? WTF? If I ever tried that, my stuff would be on the front porch and the locks would be changed when I got home from work, and deservedly so.

It sounds like he went from mommy doing everything for him to you doing it and now you are at work again and can't do it all. I'm sure he is tired from working hard all week, but there are in fact two of you who are working. I work my a$$ off at a high pressure job--done so for 30 years--and I still help out around the house how I can because it is the right thing to do and I care about reducing my wife's load. If I have to help out after working hard all week, why does he get off the hook?  

This is not about the tire. This is about your inability to have a painful, firm discussion with your husband about respect and fair play in a loving marriage. These discussions are tough, but you need to put your big girl pants on, promise yourself you will not get emotional or accusatory, be sure to let him know that he does deserve time off and he can have time off, but he needs to help more around the house--or you will not feel respected and you won't respect him, and in that circumstance there is no basis for being married. Don't accuse, don't cry, don't call him lazy, don't say you aren't his maid. Just tell him what you need from him. Tell him that you love him to death, but that a marriage is a partnership and you need him to join the partnership. 

If that doesn't work, you should consider marriage counseling. I wish you the best.


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## turnera

The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes. 

So he nags at you. So what? YOU have the legitimate reason here, not him. 

You will not win a power struggle over 'making' him get off the couch on the weekends. You just won't. 

As Voiceofreasonsays, what's really missing here is you having that painful talk where you say "I can't handle this any more and I'm not GOING to. I EXPECT you to be a fair member of this family, and if you won't, I'll have to look at other options." 

Such options may mean spending HIS money for awhile, but I'm pretty sure once he sees that happening, he'll get a clue.

But none of this will happen while you act like his mother. 

Once you act like his wife who deserves his help and stop catering to him even while he thumbs his nose at you, he'll pay attention.

If he sits on the couch all day, don't make him dinner. Take the kids out for a picnic and leave him sitting there. If he won't get up, throw the pile of towels on top of him and say 'Fold those, will ya?' (that's what I do) If he's still there, bring the junk drawer over to him and place it on his lap and ask him to organize it. Or his tool box. Or fishing tackle. Or SOMETHING. 

Show him you aren't going to accept being his mommy any more.


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## twomoonlight

> The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes.


We have a lawn man, we do hire people to do things. That is the problem he doesn't have a problem spending the money. And for years I didn't either...but over time it has overtaken everything. While it started as I'm too busy to do the lawn, so I'll hire someone so we can do family things...this has progressed to I'll hire anyone and everyone so I don't have to do a damn thing.

I don't mind the lawn man, I don't mind hiring someone to fix something he can't do...but now he won't even get off his butt to change a tire.



> The point is, you have control over what you do. If he won't cut the lawn, hire a guy and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't fix the window, hire a carpenter and use your husband's money to pay for it. If he won't help with chores, stop doing chores that benefit him, like his clothes.


I don't do this laundry...he does hire people to do the lawn.


A


> s Voiceofreasonsays, what's really missing here is you having that painful talk where you say "I can't handle this any more and I'm not GOING to. I EXPECT you to be a fair member of this family, and if you won't, I'll have to look at other options."


That's just it, what are my "other options?" I don't make enough to survive on my own yet! Once I have a contracted position my pay will triple. Then I do have options...but not until then.



> Such options may mean spending HIS money for awhile, but I'm pretty sure once he sees that happening, he'll get a clue.


No, just the opposite that is now his answer for everything. Hence having the car towed so as not to have to change a tire.





> Once you act like his wife who deserves his help and stop catering to him even while he thumbs his nose at you, he'll pay attention.


but he doesn't. And actually when I really press him he gets all mad an insists that he does help. And he throws out there that No one does what he does? What is that exactly work? Yes I get he has a long commute, I get that he is tired. That's why I've given up on any help at night. ....but now he is so angry and mean about "his time" his day off...etc....i don't know where it is coming from.




> If he sits on the couch all day, don't make him dinner. Take the kids out for a picnic and leave him sitting there. If he won't get up, throw the pile of towels on top of him and say 'Fold those, will ya?' (that's what I do) If he's still there, bring the junk drawer over to him and place it on his lap and ask him to organize it. Or his tool box. Or fishing tackle. Or SOMETHING.


He would just leave the clothes/junk draw sitting there. When I ask him to do something he will "yes honey me"...which really means f you! Or his classic "in a minute" which also means f you!



I guess what I don't really understand is his recent insistence on doing NOTHING on the weekends because it is HIS time off.

I'm just so sick of it. Yet don't see any way out.....just yet anyway.


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## turnera

What does he say when you ask him why?


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## twomoonlight

when I ask him what?

Why he wouldn't change the tire this weekend? He said that it was his weekend off, he wasn't doing it and to stop bugging him.

He got very angry and said he can't stand when I bug him and that when I bug him it makes him not want to even come home on the weekends. And then turned it around on me and said is that why I do it? do I not want him home on the weekends?


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## Voiceofreason

TML-- I am sure I don't need to tell you that there is a substantial power imbalance in your relationship. It probably comes from several sources, including his higher income, his ability to bamboozle and initimidate you with B.S. and anger when you try to discuss these issues with him, your inability to firmly draw a boundry with any consequences, your feeling that you don't have the financial option right now to leave, and the inertia of how things have been.

As I said before, it is apparent that he does not respect you, because he won't fairly allocate household responsibilities, and you don't respect him because he sits and sleeps all weekend and won't do his share. That is not the basis for a marriage. 

Have you tried joint counseling? He seems detached and hostile to you and I really wonder if there is more going on here than he just wants to sleep and sit all weekend. What is weird about problems like this is sometimes in the painful process of solving one problem we identify and also fix other problems in the marriage--the result of which is a much stronger marriage than you could have envisioned. 

As for this:
"He got very angry and said he can't stand when I bug him and that when I bug him it makes him not want to even come home on the weekends. And then turned it around on me and said is that why I do it? do I not want him home on the weekends? "

A reasonable response would be:
"Just so we are clear. When you don't help with what needs to be done around the house, I don't want to even be home on the weekend--do you not want me home on the weekends?"

Seriously, he is really really weak in his excuses. He is a bully. Bullys only succeed when you let them.

Having said all of that. You seem fixated on the tire thing. I know I don't react well to being micromanaged--few people do. Let the tire thing go. Your issue is not the tire (other than an example of him not fairly contributing his time to the family's welfare)--it is, as your subject line says: He won't do ANYTHING.


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## golfergirl

Voiceofreason said:


> TML-- I am sure I don't need to tell you that there is a substantial power imbalance in your relationship. It probably comes from several sources, including his higher income, his ability to bamboozle and initimidate you with B.S. and anger when you try to discuss these issues with him, your inability to firmly draw a boundry with any consequences, your feeling that you don't have the financial option right now to leave, and the inertia of how things have been.
> 
> As I said before, it is apparent that he does not respect you, because he won't fairly allocate household responsibilities, and you don't respect him because he sits and sleeps all weekend and won't do his share. That is not the basis for a marriage.
> 
> Have you tried joint counseling? He seems detached and hostile to you and I really wonder if there is more going on here than he just wants to sleep and sit all weekend. What is weird about problems like this is sometimes in the painful process of solving one problem we identify and also fix other problems in the marriage--the result of which is a much stronger marriage than you could have envisioned.
> 
> As for this:
> "He got very angry and said he can't stand when I bug him and that when I bug him it makes him not want to even come home on the weekends. And then turned it around on me and said is that why I do it? do I not want him home on the weekends? "
> 
> A reasonable response would be:
> "Just so we are clear. When you don't help with what needs to be done around the house, I don't want to even be home on the weekend--do you not want me home on the weekends?"
> 
> Seriously, he is really really weak in his excuses. He is a bully. Bullys only succeed when you let them.
> 
> Having said all of that. You seem fixated on the tire thing. I know I don't react well to being micromanaged--few people do. Let the tire thing go. Your issue is not the tire (other than an example of him not fairly contributing his time to the family's welfare)--it is, as your subject line says: He won't do ANYTHING.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

And don't let him take your car - leave earlier - hide keys, whatever. That's his consequence


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## Halien

I guess you didn't talk about a division of labor before you said "I do"?

My wife and I split chores based on our interests, but we originally agreed that everything would be split. 

I think you need to have a serious discussion about sharing the load and the expectations. When you start working, all those rules about the wife's job go out the door. If he doesn't buy in, don't worry about his part of things. Just take care of yourself.

Obviously, he is spoiled and selfish, but it is not your job to manage him.

For instance, If you cook dinner on a week night, fix enough to put together a plate for yourself and your children, then wash the dishes before he shows up. Then, just do your thing. Keep the keys to your car from him. 

Ultimately, you'll have to tell him that his lack of participation in the marriage will have consequences. It wouldn't be fair to him to just leave one day. You don't have to be hearless about it, but tell him that this is his problem and the status quo isn't going to work forever.

The only close example I have tends to be the things that my wife assumes to be the 'husbands job'. So, I don't mind the crappy plumbing jobs and the yardwork, but I will not wash and wax her vehicle. Or clean it weekly. Her car always looks like a dump. Course she knows I won't let it be ignored in the maintenance side of things, but she's resigned herself to driving a dirty car.

Also, she wanted a very elaborate flower garden, yet I do all the yard work. The agreement was that this area would be hers. Last summer, it turned into a mini rain forest because she went through a long depression. Before I come across as heartless, I took care of it the previous summer, and warned her that with the new kitchen cabinets I was building, I wouldn't be able to do it again.


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## BorrowedHalo

I totally understand your frustration over the tire thing. Here's my suggestion. Find a friend (a male is good) who can change the tire. Offer to buy him a 6 pack or dinner. Men HATE it when friends see them not doing their own family stuff. If that's not an option, and you know it's going to come down to towing/end-of-the-month/big bills because of last minute work; then why not just have his car towed NOW and have the tire changed and inspected. If you're going to have to pay either way, you might as well save the money. Then, I would tell him you took care of it for him.

As far as not being able to leave...he doesn't have to know that you can't really afford to leave. (And really, you can, because he will have to pay you alimony and child support.) What has worked for me is sitting down with a list in hand and saying, "Look, if these things don't change, I'm going to look into divorce." You DO have other options. 

~Halo


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## turnera

Halo, that is a GREAT idea. My husband refuses to do things, too, and when I suggest I'll get a friend to do it, boy, look out! He can't get it done fast enough!

And I agree, you CAN afford to leave, as he will be required to pay at least child support. Contact a lawyer so you know your rights.

And then go back to him and discuss what you're willing to accept.

In the meantime, BOTH of you feel neglected, disrespected, and ignored. If you want HIM to care about YOU, you may have to go first. Go to marriagebuilders.com and find the Love Buster questionnaire. Print out his and hers and hand his to him and ask him to fill it out. He should love to tell you what you're doing wrong. You do the same. Take his and read it and find out what you do that annoys him. It may be as simple as wearing sweatpants instead of dressing up. Whatever the LBs are, spend a couple weeks working on changing your habits so you no longer LB him. You have to soften his heart, or he simply WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU when you finally have 'the talk.' 

Trust me, it works wonders.


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## second timer

I'm a man in his second marriage with FOUR young kids and I bust my ass throughout the week to keep my insane wife happy and maintain our household! I NEVER take a weekend off or sleep past 8am on Saturday. I cook, shop, clean, pick up/drop off kids to school and sports, pay bills, maintain the cars, perform regular home maintenance, make the bed, etc. He has no excuse and it sounds like he's likely overweight and unenergetic. Sounds like he could use a better diet and some regular cardio exercise (would do him WONDERS!). 

You are either a saint or a fool for tolerating such behavior and I have a feeling you could do a lot better than this deadbeat. I'm sure you love him but give me a break!


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## twomoonlight

"I guess you didn't talk about a division of labor before you said "I do"?"

Actually we have been married for 19 years. YEARS ago when we married we split chores. Then when we decided to have children we decided I would stay at home. His career took off...and he became the big money maker/high paid exec. So with me home and him working, all household things transferred to me. Which I was fine with, after all I was home all day and he worked long hours in a tough stressful career.

Then he left his high pressure career and we moved. after being home for 13 years I returned to work because my youngest was in school full time...also because of the economy he wasn't making as much as he had in the past....so the extra income I bring in as an elementary school teacher helped!

Once I returned to work he never stepped back in and helped. Of course if he were on here, he'd be telling a different story. Sometimes I think he really is crazy....because during one argument he actually insisted that he spends his weekends cleaning.

And please do not think I am one of those obsessive neat freak clean people, I am not. I just don't want the house a total disaster! 

I even gave up on the idea of him helping me clean...but now he's even worse where he won't take care of anything.(hence the tire post!)


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## twomoonlight

> I'm a man in his second marriage with FOUR young kids and I bust my ass throughout the week to keep my insane wife happy and maintain our household! I NEVER take a weekend off or sleep past 8am on Saturday. I cook, shop, clean, pick up/drop off kids to school and sports, pay bills, maintain the cars, perform regular home maintenance, make the bed, etc. He has no excuse and it sounds like he's likely overweight and unenergetic. Sounds like he could use a better diet and some regular cardio exercise (would do him WONDERS!).
> 
> You are either a saint or a fool for tolerating such behavior and I have a feeling you could do a lot better than this deadbeat. I'm sure you love him but give me a break!


See that is what is really bothering me about my husband's attitude. He acts like he does above and beyond what any other man in america does....and he does this by just working!:lol:

I don't get it! Then when I point out that PLENTY of men do what he does(work with a long commute) he disagrees. He acts like he is the only man out there that works his ass off!

He is not fat, or overweight, he is lazy. He will occasionally drag his butt off the couch to run. but that is sporadic at best!

I don't think I am a fool, but I think he needs a reality check! A big one!


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## second timer

Was he always like this when you married him? Is there any chance he suffers from depression or mid-life whatevers?


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## twomoonlight

Well no he was not always like this. I think he is suffering from depression, but he would disagree!


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## turnera

How about you get a poster and write out all the things that have to be done in a week, down the poster. Write out the days of the week to the right. Then sit down on the couch with him BEFORE one of his shows starts, and turn the tv off (so he'll know you're serious, lol). Tell him:

THIS (show him the poster) is what goes on in this house each week; these are all the things that are required to keep the house running. Now, when I was raising the kids, I didn't have a problem taking care of everything while you were the only one working outside the house. But now that I'm working full time just like YOU, it is no longer fair for me to still have to do all these things. I simply CANNOT do it any longer. Something has to give. I can't stay like this, and if I can't get help from you, I'm not sure I can even stay married to you. All I'm asking is for you to pick a handful of the chores on this list and agree to be responsible for them, so that my load is lightened; I'll continue to do the rest - I just need your support. I can't make you choose to participate in this family, but I CAN choose to not continue the way things are. I love you and I want to continue this marriage, but I'm at the end of my rope. Now...what can you commit to helping me with? Here's the marker - circle the days you want to take care of your items, and I'll fill up the rest."

Now, if he only picks two things, you'll have to be a little stronger and say "I'm sorry but that is still not fair, and you know it. There are 43 items on this list; you're the only other adult here - I need you to pick at least 8 more items."


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## turnera

Oh, and btw, if you're going this route, you have to make sure you give HIM something to benefit from it - meaning, you need to know his top 5 Emotional Needs, and you need to start making sure you are meeting them. This really worked with my husband - it made him WANT to help me more (that and the threat of leaving him).

If you go to marriagebuilders.com and find the Emotional Needs questionnaire, you can ask him to fill it out, or you can try to fill it out FOR him. Once you know his top ENs, find ways to meet them. Typical ENs for men are recreational activity (watching a football game together, etc.), admiration, and sex.


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## sinnister

Sounds like depression.


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## okeydokie

sinnister said:


> Sounds like depression.


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## RocChica

I'm curious to know how this situation ended up. I recently joined this site in desperation. I too, have the same identical problem for years now. The only difference is that my husband refuses to pay for the services, and I have always worked full-time. He doesn't seem to care that the house is slowly in deterior. I don't feel like his wife or mother. I feel like his slave! We have been married for 19 years now. Like someone had posted before, you start losing respect for each other. We visited a councelor (which he sort of took my side, so he refused to return). He did change his attitude for a week. Tore out the small powder room with intentions to renovate. Suddendly stopped. No toilet or sink. That was 4 years ago! I called a contractor to at least do the drywall, but unfortunately never came. Then a year later I called Sears. Unfortunately, they asked too much. I let it go until last month. My son is getting married in 2015. So, i found a contractor willing to do the powder room, plus the bathroom upstairs which sadly, he also started "repairing". The quote was excellent. I called and gave him the ok. We set a date in a couple of weeks. My husband went to the harware store, bought the drywall and is currently doing the work! My question is, should I call and cancel with the contractor? Or should I have my husband do it? Please help...


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## turnera

RocChica said:


> I too, have the same identical problem for years now. The only difference is that my husband refuses to pay for the services, and I have always worked full-time.
> 
> My question is, should I call and cancel with the contractor? Or should I have my husband do it? Please help...


Two issues here. First, if YOU are working full time, you are completely qualified to pick up that phone and order any work done. Second, you give your husband a timeframe: "Honey, I've scheduled a carpenter; he's coming on April 1, 6 weeks from now. You're welcome to do whatever work you think you want to do in lieu of what I'm going to be paying for; if, by April 1, you haven't finished or I don't like the result, the carpenter is still coming. That way, we both get things the way we want."


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## RocChica

I'm sorry I didn't explain my situation very well. i did call contractor(s) and set a date. I had given him ultimatums and due dates. My fault was letting it go for so long. As soon as I did set it up, my husband went and picked up the material and started to work on it. When I saw him working on it, I got very upset. For me, his time was way up. I told him I wanted the contractor to do it. He said for the amount we were going to pay, he could do it!! When I asked him why it took him so long to figure this out, he gave me the same song and dance about how much he works, weekends are for him to rest. Same situation as this post. Sits on the sofa as soon as he gets home, and ALL weekend. I can pick up the phone and set up things to be done, but it's not easy when your own spouse sabotages, one way ($$) or the other (male macho thing).


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## RocChica

I also meant since my husband started working on this, should he be the one to call the contractor and cancel...

I'm only using this thread, because of the similarity in situation.


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## Theseus

RocChica,

How many hours does your husband work? If you work 9 to 5 but he's working until late every night, then I would understand him. If not, then you just tell him directly in very simple terms: it's not fair that you are doing two jobs while he is only doing one. Yes, he might be depressed, but then it's on him to do something about that, not you. 

Here are some suggestions:

1. Hire a maid to come in 3 days a week or so (makes a big difference and not as expensive as most people think)

2. Divide the house chores. I mean literally divide the house. He does this side of the house, you do that side. Then you don't lift a finger for his side. When your in-laws come over, he can explain to them why nothing is getting done there. *Oh and stop cooking his meals unless he's willing to help in the kitchen too. *

3. Insist on going back to counseling, or you are walking out.


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## turnera

I understood what you meant. I'm in the same boat. My IC told me - repeatedly, to just go hire the person to get it done. If my H then jumps up to get it done, so much the better. Once it is done to your satisfaction (IF it is done to your satisfaction), you go ahead and cancel the contractor. And if your H does NOT do it to your satisfaction, you let the contractor come anyway and do it right. Your phone call is what made your H do the work in the first place. 

It may take a few of these things to get your H to understand that you WILL call someone else, to get him to become proactive and not make you wait. But you taking the step is the absolute right thing to do.


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## RocChica

Thesus. Great suggestions. I like your suggestion #2. The first, he'll complain about the money. He does work 10 hours. I do understand. But there's time management as well. I don't expect for him to cook and clean. Just pick up after yourself. If you see the sink is empty and the dishwasher has room, put your dish in there and start it if its ready.He admitted he has no interest in things related to the house. He's not one of those guys that likes to be doing stuff. But he's too proud or stingy to hire!!


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## RocChica

Turnera...you're absolutely right! I think he knows I'm capable of anything at this point. Unbeliavable...


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## turnera

You're eventually going to have the conversation with him about just what his obligations are to the family. While you are willing to work full time AND do the housework/cooking/cleaning, you expect him to work full time AND do the home maintenance. Or else hire someone to do it. Stop making this a situation where you have to beg him to do it - YOU are one HALF of this marriage and thus you have just as much right to get done what YOU want as he does.


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## RocChica

I know this post was not mine, however I want to thank you all for your views. I did call a contractor as mentioned before. The moment I set a date, my husband bought the material and started the work. After a short arguement (because at this point, I really wanted the contractor to do it), but he ignored me and worked dilgently. I called the contractor and explained the situation, which he understood and was very gracious about it. I asked him not to discard me as a customer yet. My husband had to go away for a job for a week. I'm going to give him a couple more weeks to finish it. If he doesn't, I'm calling the contractor to finish it! Then I will give him a list of other things this house desperately needs.


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## RocChica

I hope the initiator of this post had some improvement with her situation. Good Luck to all....


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## Thound

I used to be somewhat like your husband. Boy that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Sadly my youngest son is just like me. I keep warning him, but it falls on deaf ears. Live and learn I guess.


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## married tech

> See that is what is really bothering me about my husband's attitude. He acts like he does above and beyond what any other man in america does....and he does this by just working!
> 
> I don't get it! Then when I point out that PLENTY of men do what he does(work with a long commute) he disagrees. He acts like he is the only man out there that works his ass off!
> 
> He is not fat, or overweight, he is lazy. He will occasionally drag his butt off the couch to run. but that is sporadic at best!


Wow! if you had said you were a stay at home mom with 5 kids I would have guessed your husband was the manager last my last job!  

At work his excuse for being totally useless all the time was because he had a wife who does not work and five kids. 
Yet I have suspicions that when he was at home his excuse for being a lazy ass was that he worked so hard at his job that he shouldn't have to do anything at home.


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## AliceA

My DH used to say that too. It's as if the reality of life is escaping them. It was all a bit much for me for a while and I completely dropped the ball. Things started getting really bad, house filthy, laundry never done, dinner prepared in a last minute panic, bills paid late, cars breaking down etc. I couldn't bring up the energy to care at that point.

He complained bitterly, but my complete apathy (not by choice, I've no real idea what was happening to me then) forced the situation.

Now, he's not as bad. We wrote out a roster, which we're both struggling with a bit to be honest, 'cause neither of us are particularly proactive in regards to cleaning, but at least we're BOTH trying.


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## turnera

RocChica said:


> I know this post was not mine, however I want to thank you all for your views. I did call a contractor as mentioned before. The moment I set a date, my husband bought the material and started the work. After a short arguement (because at this point, I really wanted the contractor to do it), but he ignored me and worked dilgently. I called the contractor and explained the situation, which he understood and was very gracious about it. I asked him not to discard me as a customer yet. My husband had to go away for a job for a week. I'm going to give him a couple more weeks to finish it. If he doesn't, I'm calling the contractor to finish it! Then I will give him a list of other things this house desperately needs.


Perfect.

My therapist actually GAVE me the number for a contractor, lol.


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## turnera

breeze, I've heard it recommended to get a poster board and write out every single thing that needs to get done, and how often (so you know ahead of time what you're signing up for). Then, each of you takes turns picking the tasks that you DISlike the LEAST. On down the list, until all chores are accounted for. It's the most fair way to assign them and it lets you both pick the things that you don't hate, as least not as much. That way, you're more likely to actually DO them.

For instance, I had to do dishes as a kid, so I absolutely HATE doing dishes, so someone else usually does them. I'll sweep all day, just don't ask me to do dishes.


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## married tech

> For instance, I had to do dishes as a kid, so I absolutely HATE doing dishes, so someone else usually does them. I'll sweep all day, just don't ask me to do dishes.


Growing up my dad was very OCD about keeping things clean and organized literally to the point it drove the family apart. 

I hate clean and organized now.


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## crabinmd

hey, so now 6 years later ... what boat are you in with this husband? (or ex husband?) I've found this thread via a google search due to my life mirroring yours in 2011. update appreciated


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