# The type of people who seek affairs.



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

What kind of people seek affairs?
I don't know the percentages. I imagine most affairs happen due to circumstance. 
How often do people seek out affairs? And what kind of people are they?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> What kind of people seek affairs?
> I don't know the percentages. I imagine most affairs happen due to circumstance.
> How often do people seek out affairs? And what kind of people are they?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Weak and selfish, with no semblance of respect, boundaries or proper communication skills.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I ask because in my situation the OM admitted many times that he was seeking for an affair. I am wondering if anyone else has come across this type of behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Look on any "married and looking" web site, or whatever the current Doc Kewl type adulteress-support website is.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

People who SEEK affairs? They are damaged.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Well anyone involved in an affair seeked it out. What kind of people seek affair, the ever encompassing “unhappy” or bored and wanting some spice in life given most if not all don’t want to be caught. 

All affairs happen because of circumstance because two people said yes. Serial cheaters do it for the thrill of it or they want the part time aspect of the relationship. They don’t want the fulltime responsibilities in a relationship, just the good times and about the time an affair starts to become more than that, they bail out. Serial cheaters to seem to feed off the power trip aspect of it. They tend to look for a specific type of person, they usually have a pretty standard pattern they follow. 

My stbx fell for the serial cheater, he always goes for late 40’s women, ones that usually very social and talkative. He lets them talk, figures out the weaknesses and start to exploit that. Then the usual, tells them what they want to hear and the usual standard fare. He doesn’t want a single woman, he cant get rid of them as easily and he always figures once he is done the woman will just crawl back to her husband. Since its all about him, he doesn’t have to do anything to cultivate and create a true relationship and the wake of destruction left behind is never his problem because she made the decision to be involved with him. 

Usually the serial cheater is pure selfishness and feeds the ego off the power trip. The thrill of the hunt and the notch on the bedpost.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Look on any "married and looking" web site, or whatever the current Doc Kewl type adulteress-support website is.


Or your local craigslist - plenty of married people wanting to hook up

Then there's all the various chat rooms on the internet that cater to married people seeking relationships.

The options are endless, which indicates there are a hell of a lot of people out there seeking affairs. Its really sad.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

honcho said:


> Well anyone involved in an affair seeked it out.


I disagree. I imagine most of first time affairs were slippery slopes. That started out as just talking and then ended with full blown affair. The decision to have an affair didn't proceed the actions. I'm talking about those who made the conscious decision to have an affair and prepared before the opportunity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The decision always comes before the action. At some point your brain says you are going to do it. It may be a spur of the moment whirlwind thing but it was a decision It doesn’t happen and then say, did I just have an affair??? No one unconsciously gets into an affair.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

They decide to have affair. Its not circumstance. They decide to keep touching the fire.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

honcho said:


> The decision always comes before the action. At some point your brain says you are going to do it. It may be a spur of the moment whirlwind thing but it was a decision It doesn’t happen and then say, did I just have an affair??? No one unconsciously gets into an affair.


I think what OP is saying is that he is asking about the mentality of someone who, from the start, says "I'm going to seek out a married person, solely for the purpose of having an affair." That's not to minimize those who gradually work up to that point. Both require a conscious decision to cross the line. But, as I said, his particular post is about those who deliberately set out to cheat on their spouses or those who deliberately set out to betray their vows. His response to your post "Well anyone involved in an affair seeked it out." was based on his own premise. And he is right. Not everyone who has had an affair SET OUT to cheat. Something changed, at some point, in some people. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't make them any better or worse than those who deliberately sought an affair. But that is not the point of the post. As I stated, OP is looking to understand those who deliberately sought an affair from the start. That's why he said "I disagree" to your post.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages. 

I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
Someone starts paying you a bit of attention, they give you compliments, actually listen to you, laugh at things you say etc - all the things that you should get from your partner...

If you are really thirsty and someone offers you a glass of water, its very difficult to refuse. 

And no I am not trying to justify affairs....but I am being realistic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Selfish people, drunk people, broken people or broken drunk selfish people. I think I was in the latter category.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It can run the gamut I think. From people who can't take a sexless marriage anymore, to those who are thrill seekers. 

What I wonder about is why after the do the deed don't they feel such remorse and guilt that they stop out of shame?. 

I know about the fog and all that. But you would think that they would have trouble living with themselves, coming home and lying to their loved ones repeatedly. Why doesn't a little voice say 'stop, this is so wrong'. 

I have read that if a man's friend's cheat it greatly increases the odds that he will cheat. It makes it seem more acceptable to whatever they feel they are missing in their lives.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.
> 
> I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
> ...


Most people who study affairs would dispel that notion when referring to two 'mature, stable' adults. There are definitely many affairs which started from two people getting too close but not wanting to stop the behavior it would mean the whole dynamic of the relationship would change. And they enjoy the 'extra' attention on top of what they are getting at home. It's hard for some people to shut down sexual tension when it's mixed in with friendship or good rapport. It's not necessarily because of what they are missing at home, but because they lack proper boundaries. It often just comes down to character issues, ego and good old fashioned loyalty.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

The OM in my case said to my wife she was the only one he could ever have an affair with. I have a gut feeling this is probably the second time he has had an affair. I just had the impression that those who made a conscious decision to have an affair and sought out opportunities were serial cheaters. I'm trying to find more evidence that my gut is correct.

The behavior of saying you love your wife and kids more than life itself but at the same time trying to seek every opportunity not to go home to be with them I find a very confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

There are always people waiting to get into affairs whether it is by opportunity or a search if you are open to it it will find you.

Many people who say they have nothing but bad luck are the same is it really bad luck or do you continue to put yourself in those places where bad things can happen to you. 
An addict generally relapses due to being in the wrong place, with the wrong people, they know they shouldn't be there but there they are, and when they fall off the wagon who is to blame?
Not the wrong people or the wrong places they were in but themselves they chose to be there.

Back to the original question look at any other thread about the reasons they cheat and it will give you a good idea of the "type of person"
Thread here today about the 30 reasons people cheat read that spells out those people.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

So there is absolutely no difference between those who proactively seek affairs to those who happen to "fall" into affairs ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.
> 
> I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
> ...


You are naive.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

love=pain said:


> There are always people waiting to get into affairs whether it is by opportunity or a search if you are open to it it will find you.
> 
> Many people who say they have nothing but bad luck are the same is it really bad luck or do you continue to put yourself in those places where bad things can happen to you.
> An addict generally relapses due to being in the wrong place, with the wrong people, they know they shouldn't be there but there they are, and when they fall off the wagon who is to blame?
> ...


You are absolutely correct. People end up in affairs because they put themselves in vulnerable situation. Unless it is a very mild EEmotional Affair they are aware of the boundaries being crossed.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.
> 
> I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
> ...


Yes, you are being naive.

There are many different kinds of cheaters. There is the fool who puts themselves into a position of temptation and then, chooses not to resist. This may be the "oops, I slipped". Sometimes, they are so horrified they don't let it happen again.

Then, there is the one who falls for someone with whom they have ongoing interaction. They choose not to protect their marriage for whatever reason.

Finally, there is the serial cheater who gets off on the chase and the resulting ego stroking and power trip. They may have the grandest life at home but due to their own need for self gratification, low self esteem and self centeredness, they choose to cheat. These are your cake eaters and imo, they are the lowest of the low.

I am sure there are additional types...


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.
> 
> I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
> ...


Have you had an affair. Was this your reasons?? and are you describing you.??? Just asking by the way.

I think its a bit worrying when people look at it the way you do... if you do of course..... there not reasons, there just excuses, for why people do it.

If your in a sexless marriage or an emotionless marriage there is always Divorce. Why does an affair always have to be the answer, If things are so bad at home get out of the marriage or do something about it..... Nobody has to have an affair is just a selfish choice...... If your in an unhappy relationship tell the person your with and make the choice to separate.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The more flawed or less relationship-skilled a person is, the more likely they are to have an affair. The more flawed or less relationship-skilled their spouse is, the more likely they are to have an affair. And sometimes, it may be just one mis-step onto a slippery slope that leads to a downfall, as Mrs. JA says.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cloaked said:


> So there is absolutely no difference between those who proactively seek affairs to those who happen to* "fall" into affairs ?*


Nobody "falls" into an affair. It is a choice.

Oh it's a slippery slope all right, but there is always a moment where you can back off.



askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.


I don't think you are naive... a lot of people in sexless and emotionless marriages have affairs, and in fact, may cite those as (some) of the reasons they chose to have an affair.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

My H said when I discovered his EA that he was not looking for it it just happened...BS BS BS!!!

Six months after he said that I discovered that 4 years before he started putting up profiles on adult dating sites. AM, F**k Buddies, AFF, etc.

I guess he thought I would buy that crap until I discovered months later that no he was looking for an affair. Poor guy he had no choice but to respond when the girl started throwing herself at him...


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Nobody "falls" into an affair. It is a choice.
> 
> Oh it's a slippery slope all right, but there is always a moment where you can back off.


Exactly right. "It just happened." Is an absolute cowardly bull**** excuse for those unable to take responsibility for their actions. 

Moment to moment to moment everybody has the choice to take the next step in the escalation of the affair or to chose not to do that and to respect and protect their marriage/spouse.

The notion of "Falling into an affair" emotional or otherwise is a bald faced lie.


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## 25years (Feb 13, 2014)

honcho said:


> My stbx fell for the serial cheater, he always goes for late 40’s women, ones that usually very social and talkative. He lets them talk, figures out the weaknesses and start to exploit that. Then the usual, tells them what they want to hear and the usual standard fare. He doesn’t want a single woman, he cant get rid of them as easily and he always figures once he is done the woman will just crawl back to her husband. Since its all about him, he doesn’t have to do anything to cultivate and create a true relationship and the wake of destruction left behind is never his problem because she made the decision to be involved with him.
> 
> Usually the serial cheater is pure selfishness and feeds the ego off the power trip. The thrill of the hunt and the notch on the bedpost.


Nailed it, at least the OM role in my wife's affair. Quite predictably scripted.

As for my wife, I believe it played right into her long held media fed concept of what "true love " is supposed to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Alyosha said:


> Exactly right. "It just happened." Is an absolute cowardly bull**** excuse for those unable to take responsibility for their actions.
> 
> Moment to moment to moment everybody has the choice to take the next step in the escalation of the affair or to chose not to do that and to respect and protect their marriage/spouse.
> 
> The notion of "Falling into an affair" emotional or otherwise is a bald faced lie.


Agree 100%.

I remember back on DD#1 pretty much taking blame for his choice. Even in counselling a month later the counselor said to us well with how your marriage was it was inevitable that one of you would have cheated. At the time I thought so true but now I wish I had said, "no, I would not have cheated, I have too much class and dignity to go slithering around behind H's back".

Of course H was probably loving all of this because then he did not look like the bad guy because you know he had no choice but to have an affair. 

I forgot to add...during this counseling period H unbeknowst to me at the time was still in contact with his AP as well.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I think most people have the capacity to cheat, a one nighter at least...depending on circumstances

How many married couples, married 10+ years, still have an exciting sex life?? I would guess the vast majority dont...many dont have sex at all, many have it rarely, many have duty sex, very very few if any have exciing passionate sex, nothing like when they were first dating/married...so that right there is temptation enough...people miss that exciting passionate new sex

I hate to say most, but most people who remain faithful do so NOT because they are never tempted, or never ever wanted to, but because the situation was never worth the risk of losing their family, homes, life style...

I never cheated on my wife...had plenty of chances, was tempted plenty of times, even wanted to, but didnt...it wasnt worth losing my family...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh it's a slippery slope all right, but there is always a moment where you can back off.


I've managed to avoid affairs, but have close to zero willpower when it comes to free glazed donuts. I'm not safe in their presence. If I missed breakfast and there's fresh coffee too, I WILL cheat on my diet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to tempt you.

Your post did make me laugh.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> I disagree. I imagine most of first time affairs were slippery slopes. That started out as just talking and then ended with full blown affair. The decision to have an affair didn't proceed the actions. I'm talking about those who made the conscious decision to have an affair and prepared before the opportunity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless they are complete idiots, anyone that cheats is aware of the slippery slope before they choose to head down it.. They want to slide, it feels good and they'll justify it, while others will fear it and respect it and stay the hell back. I know what people mean when they say 'we all have it in us', but I also understand that what separates people that cheat from those that don't, is that we choose to not go that route for many reasons. Here's what goes through my mind (happened on more than a few occasions..)

I feel the female hitting on me, that's aware of my being married, is insulting me.

I won't let anyone talk bad about my wife, especially a woman that doesn't know her. I wouldn't allow myself to get so close to a woman that I feel comfortable with that kind of conversation.

If a woman comes right out with it, is very forward, then I wonder if she's diseased, how many people she's been with, how many they've been with, why she's so easy.. I want no part of that.

If I find someone attractive, and they come around and try to flirt, I'll distance myself, talk about my happy family, not lead them on and flirt.

I went to lunch with a woman one time, I usually would make sure there's a group if I'm with a female.. she asked me to go to her apartment, we were pretty friendly, but I had no idea.. I lost respect for her, and had no desire to go to her place.. If I showed you a picture, you'd say I'm insane.. I was married, to someone that was cheating on me, damn, had I only known... 

Funny thing is that we were both in the same marriage, I wasn't totally thrilled, had needs that were going unmet.. had lots of questions about why my wife was pushing me away and always so cold.. but I managed to not have sex with other women, and I did that by not getting too close to that slippery slope. 

I love women, I'd love to bang every pretty female I see.. I chose to marry one woman, when that happened, I stopped pursuing other females, and when they'd pursue me, I'd shut it down... Even the 18 year old blonde with tatoos and piercings that told me exactly what I could do to her, and where, and how, and all that good stuff.. Again, if I had a picture... if I showed the list of females I 'could have' (in hindsight, should have), you'd think I should have my head examined..

So yes, there are some people who are capable of self control and those that don't seek out affairs. I don't agree with the 'it can happen to anyone' thing.. It happens when you want it to happen. Heroin addicts don't fall on a needle, they choose to stick it in the arm... Someone that has an affair chooses to continue to go down a slippery slope, and at some point choose to allow someone else to make them feel good, then let it continue.. then feed it.. etc.. etc.. they dance down that slippery slope like the tin man looking for a heart... (should be looking for a brain)..

I forgot the most important reason... 

I can't lie to myself, I just can't.. and I couldn't keep that secret, nope.. too big.. rather not go there, thanks. Avoid it like the plague.. always have..


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> So there is absolutely no difference between those who proactively seek affairs to those who happen to "fall" into affairs ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is a difference between planning an armored car heist and walking by an armored car whose guards left the doors open. In the movie “Groundhog Day” Bill Murray walks away with a bag of money.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

There is no "type of person". 30-50% of the population I think is the statistic of those that have cheated on their spouse. You can't clump it into a "one type fits all" box beyond generally they are bi-pedal and have opposable thumbs.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

We are all susceptible to an affair. ALL of us. One just has to keep those boundaries way up and keep communication very strong with your partner. Oh, and have lots of sex to wear out your spouse so they won't have any energy for an affair!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too that it is probably very rarely worth it..the "honeymoon" period wears off and with that comes the thinking of gee this person cheated on their wife/husband well what if they do it to me now.

Relationships that start as affairs have only a 3% chance of working out for the long term....pretty risky IMO.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I've managed to avoid affairs, but have close to zero willpower when it comes to free glazed donuts. I'm not safe in their presence. If I missed breakfast and there's fresh coffee too, I WILL cheat on my diet.


When the slippery slope is glazed with sugar.. and filled with jelly.... I can fight, but add in a cup of coffee, and I will lose all self control!!


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

over20 said:


> We are all susceptible to an affair. ALL of us. One just has to keep those boundaries way up and keep communication very strong with your partner. Oh, and have lots of sex to wear out your spouse so they won't have any energy for an affair!


Lots of sex doesn't work if they're bored, and want sex with someone different.. it might backfire, too much sex makes it too easy, no challenge.. You can't prevent someone from cheating, you can only do your half. If you're really into the sex, but they are mailing it in, or dreaming about the guy at work, they'll make energy for an affair. It's empowering, exciting, an escape from stress.. it's not hard work, it's all fun and games. Your sex 3 times a week becomes duty sex to keep you from finding out about the OM..


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Never thought of it that way..thanks!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex wife made it clear she would try to stay if i cheated. I never cheated because of self respect. I also wanted to be a good role model for my son.

I work all day with flirty, and sexy 20 yr old actresses. 

Im simply not a cheater. Period.

We do actually exist.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> I think most people have the capacity to cheat, a one nighter at least...depending on circumstances
> 
> How many married couples, married 10+ years, still have an exciting sex life?? I would guess the vast majority dont...many dont have sex at all, many have it rarely, many have duty sex, very very few if any have exciing passionate sex, nothing like when they were first dating/married...so that right there is temptation enough...people miss that exciting passionate new sex
> 
> ...


Yes, some, but not my husband and I. We have been together just over 10 years and we still have exciting sex..... and that is the truth.

I mean we do not have it everyday etc, but its still exciting for us both.

I mean of course when you first get together with your partner, yes its new, and different, but just because you settle down an have kids it does not mean things have to change or get boring, I mean yes sure you get in to a routine, and you have busy lives etc, but its up to you as a partnership to keep the spark, and keep your marriage alive, Only you can do it.

If you choose to marry someone and settle down, then its up to you to keep things exciting.

I can honestly say hand on heart i have never been tempted, not because i am in fear of losing my family.... I would be in fear of losing the man i love, and want to spend the rest of my life with....

We can choose to marry, or we choose to stay single so we can sleep with and have sex with who we want...... we all have choices to what path we take in life..... If you want numerous partners then stay single.

I think its sad if the reason people do not cheat is because they're in fear of losing their family..... I do not cheat simply because i love my husband with all my heart.

Sex is a factor in every relationship, but its not no 1 priority, its not in mine anyway, Of course i am not saying sex is not important because it is but so is a lot of things.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

illwill said:


> My ex wife made it clear she would try to stay if i cheated.* I never cheated because of self respect*. I also wanted to be a good role model for my son.
> 
> I work all day with flirty, and sexy 20 yr old actresses.
> 
> ...


I love this. It is about *your* commitment and your self respect. It is not hinged on the other person.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> What kind of people seek affairs?
> I don't know the percentages. I imagine most affairs happen due to circumstance.


Most definitely. Its the people that happen to be in the circumstance of being fickle, untrustworthy, and selfish.




> And what kind of people are they?


If I answer that honestly, I might get banned


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Marriages do not become emotionless and sexless because of the BS. It is mostly because of a WS who believes in "go with the flow" outside to follow a skirt or a shirt tail - regardless of a covenant.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> Marriages do not become emotionless and sexless because of the BS. It is mostly because of a WS who believes in "go with the flow" outside to follow a skirt or a shirt tail - regardless of a covenant.


That brings up an interesting thought. Would you say that most WS create the very problems they use as an excuse for the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Nobody "falls" into an affair. It is a choice.
> 
> Oh it's a slippery slope all right, but there is always a moment where you can back off.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't remember deciding to have an affair. A friendship drifted into an EA and then near PA until I realised what I was doing.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I guess I wouldn’t say they create the very problems they use as excuses for affairs. They have such a tendency to rewrite history and spin the world to justify the actions. Whatever problem they want to use was there before the affair so why wasn’t it addressed? What problem has ever been fixed with an affair?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> That brings up an interesting thought. Would you say that most WS create the very problems they use as an excuse for the affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Yes. Yes. Especially in the case of a repeat offender.

I believe the BS knows on an unconscious level what is happening and starts to shut down. How can you relax and be truly intimate with someone who you don't trust?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Alyosha said:


> Exactly right. "It just happened." Is an absolute cowardly bull**** excuse for those unable to take responsibility for their actions.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





"It just happened."



I was given those exact words just a few days ago, in reference to her EA of five or so years ago.



It is like living with a child, unable to tell the truth to herself about a bad choice she made.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Fenix said:


> I love this. It is about *your* commitment and your self respect. It is not hinged on the other person.


Love this...exactly! I have said it before if someone is willing to run around with a WS it does not say much about their character, morals, etc. for BOTH the AP and the WS.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: The type of people who seek affairs.*



PieceOfSky said:


> "It just happened."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


....agree, NOTHING .....AT ALL .....JUST HAPPENS! 

....my wife has used that sickening excuse so many times that it boggles my mind. For the longest time ..I'd just shut up and stop talking to her when she used that phrase. Because, I felt there was no response I could give that she'd grasp. As you said ....it's like talking to a child. Mind you ....I can be ...and like, being childish ...in a good way ....but not when I'm fighting for the repair of my marriage, and my emotional survival. 

....if I get all "scientific" ...and tell her all the things that just "didn't happen" .....like the universe being formed ....evolution of the species .....and, her going to a certain bar, letting a certain POSOM sweet talk her and agree with her that I was a terrible husband, and leave said bar to let him fvck her .....she quiets down with that moronic explanation.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I honestly don't remember deciding to have an affair. A friendship drifted into an EA and then near PA until I realised what I was doing.


You 'drifted'? Can I get an example of drifting please, does it involve hand holding, kissing, talking dirty to each other? Was it something you didn't recognize as wrong or disrespectful to you and your marriage at the time? I don't buy that you totally forgot each moment where you crossed the line.. I'm sure you didn't say "hey, I think I'll have an affair", that's not how it works.. the slippery slope is those little things you know and feel are wrong, but you 'drift' with them. I'm sure you remember what they were.. Cheaters love to say they don't remember, it's convenient. I'm not buying..


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

honcho said:


> I guess I wouldn’t say they create the very problems they use as excuses for affairs. They have such a tendency to rewrite history and spin the world to justify the actions. Whatever problem they want to use was there before the affair so why wasn’t it addressed? What problem has ever been fixed with an affair?


The affair is always the bigger marital problem and dwarves anything that precedes it. Using marital problems to justify an affair is like saying you burned the house down because you were upset your spouse never painted the living room yellow, even though they never mentioned color, just that they wanted it painted, and you painted it white.. but they told the AP they liked yellow, so you're an ahole and deserved your house to burn.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Cloaked said:


> That brings up an interesting thought. Would you say that most WS create the very problems they use as an excuse for the affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know about most. But my WW certainly did. She needed me to be a 'monster' in her head to help alleviate the guilt for cheating on her marriage to me. So, she picked fights over little minute stuff all the time making them 'really big problems'. She sought out ever little thing 'wrong' in the marriage. So, the results were quite predictable when you become nothing more than a crazy vicious petty nag; I stop wanting to spend any time around you. Ah ha! One more much bigger thing to point towards; "He isn't supportive, never around and abandoned me!"


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I honestly don't remember deciding to have an affair. A friendship drifted into an EA and then near PA until I realised what I was doing.


Unless you are a disordered sociopath, I gotta call BS.

People know in their heart/gut/conscience when things are being said and done outside the presence of their spouse that would hurt their spouse deeply if they were, in fact, present. 

Unless they are sociopathic, they ABSOLUTELY know. Some make the decision to continue after that point ("drift") others choose instead to value and honor their spouse, their vows, their marriage and their family.

I F'ing LOATHE people who try to disavow any moral agency or personal responsibility. Grow up! People like this are responsible for a vast amount of misery in the world.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Racer said:


> I don't know about most. But my WW certainly did. She needed me to be a 'monster' in her head to help alleviate the guilt for cheating on her marriage to me. So, she picked fights over little minute stuff all the time making them 'really big problems'. She sought out ever little thing 'wrong' in the marriage. So, the results were quite predictable when you become nothing more than a crazy vicious petty nag; I stop wanting to spend any time around you. Ah ha! One more much bigger thing to point towards; "He isn't supportive, never around and abandoned me!"


:iagree:

Ah yes. So did my Ex. While he was confiding all his marital woes to his OW (plural), they would "validate" his beliefs and add fuel to the fire based on his version of me (and not who I really am). They would then offer "marital advise" to assist him in getting me to tow the line, making me a better wife for him (as if they were genuinely concerned about repairing our marriage) .

Of course, it didn't work well for him - hence the "Ex" label.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

In my experience, some of the personality traits affair seekers have in common are:

Immaturity.

A sense of entitlement. "The world owes me what I want"

A need to be "made happy" by outside influences, and unhappy with themselves when left alone.

A tendency to respond to gratification and flattery. Tremendous ego boosts from outside admirers.

A sort of "me first" selfishness that is hard to describe.

Best I can do.

-FH


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

askari said:


> Perhaps I'm being a bit naive here....but I would say that the sorts of people who have affairs are those who are particularly vunerable due to circumstances.
> ie those in sexless and emotionless marriages.
> 
> I suspect that most men (or women) in such marriages don't make conscious decisions to have an affair.
> ...


I understand that. People who have these affairs are selfish. Period. The most cowardly way to handle any problems are going out and making the situation worse by cheating. That is a sorry excuse to say there are problems. If you truly love the person you are with then do not disrespect them by cheating. Leave. It really angers me that you can not communicate before cheating. Just go. Most of the time the spouse does not realize the partner is unhappy.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Yes, you are being naive.
> 
> There are many different kinds of cheaters. There is the fool who puts themselves into a position of temptation and then, chooses not to resist. This may be the "oops, I slipped". Sometimes, they are so horrified they don't let it happen again.
> 
> ...



This has been the most helpful comment.
It brings up an idea I wish to add to. I will make the argument that there are three types of cheaters.

1.) The Fool: those who chose the path of the slippery slope. 

These are those who just needed a friend. But wanted so much more!

Has narcissistic tendencies and a low self esteem.

2.) The Fisher: those who put out bait and wait for a bite.

These are those who actively seek affairs. Putting themselves on dating sites and catching up with old friends or ex's with the intention of having an affair. 

Is a complete narcissist.

3.) The Jackal: the serial cheater, the player.

Committed relationship means nothing to them; it is just a mask or a part to play in order to appear normal. Those who trade their attention for sex and are everything they need to be in order to get it.

Is borderline sociopathic.


When caught the Fisher and the Jackal will always play the Fool. This is a part of the damage control.

All types have difficulty with empathy.


What do you think? 
Feel free to add or take away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I put my H as your #2...the Fisher. He tried to make it sound on DD#1 that it "just happened" to him, he was not looking for it, but I discovered 9 months later that 4 years earlier he had put himself on adult dating sites. That was his little secret that I was never supposed to find out.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> This has been the most helpful comment.
> It brings up an idea I wish to add to. I will make the argument that there are three types of cheaters.
> 
> 1.) The Fool: those who chose the path of the slippery slope.
> ...



Oh wow.  Especially the bolded part.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The jackel in your analogy rarely plays the fool. They have learned to shut off so much emotionally already, they don’t need to play anything. Most are so full of themselves anyway they could care less what anyone thinks of them. They don’t need damage control because in there heads they had nothing to loose to start with.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

That sounds like my sorry EXH even the part where he had that girl thinking I am doing all this stuff and yet he claims me on his taxes as a dependent and did not take care of me. But I find out from the dumb girl that he said he was taking care of me. What lies. Man you hit this one on the head.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Still don't know the acronyms.

My ex kept telling me that the main guy was "helping our marriage"? Helping it? By plowing her (to put it gently) for our entire marriage? And his friends too, while he watched... How does this help? Want to help our marriage then talk to me. Stop insulting me. Try, for God's sake just try. I can look back and see how I tried. I even tried the day I found out... Yes, I tried and succeeded that day to do what she wanted. Less than an hour later he was telling her what he was going to do to her next time and she laughed.

And then there was the insults, the accusations, all of the attempts to make me into the bad guy. Of course what else is she going to do? Admit to herself what she did to us, to our child?

The completely re-written history I found in her forum posts. I never helped raise our child? Why was I awake an hour before her to get him ready for the day, to cook them breakfast, so she could get a little extra sleep? Do you like your eggs honey? I put vanilla and cinnamon in the french toast. Why did I come home early to make dinner for them every day? Why did I wake up every night when my son woke up to comfort him back to sleep? Why did I wake up and stay up with her while she tried to breast feed him? I can't breast feed him and I never get enough sleep. I could have just slept.

But she told everyone, especially the guys she was cheating with, that I did NONE of that. And she got comfort from them. Reassurance that I was an @sshole. That she should come over and they would make her feel better.

She made a conscious choice every day, every day, to lie to me. She made a choice, every day she chose to go f*ck someone else. I still have her marriage vows, all six versions, saved here on my computer. What did they mean? What was she thinking when she wrote them? That maybe if we got married her cheating would stop? Well it didn't.

You just fall into it? Are you that pathetic? Are you that pathetically weak? You have no will? Did a train hit you in the head when you were little? :rofl:

And to read "his" advice to her about how to help our marriage, often by meeting up with him so she could "learn" what she "really wanted" from me. Well, I got none of those things. But he got them all, and more.

Sexless marriage? Yes. But did I want that? No, I got shot down, insulted, and laid in bed next to a woman masturbating to her phone. If you're in a sexless marriage that doesn't mean go find someone else to f*ck. Figure out what is going on. Find a solution. Man up.

It sickens me to read him tell her he is trying to fix our marriage, then telling her how he is going to f*ck her ass until she screams. Way to fix my marriage buddy! But you did help me fix it, by ending it before I wasted any more of my time.

Me? I had plenty of opportunities. But why would I ever cheat? I had a girl. Why do I need more than one? I thought I was happily married. Obviously there were problems, that accelerated so quickly, but I just figured every marriage has problems. I would work through them. Work with her.

I even let her do what she wanted on her birthday. What a day. What a weird day. I planned her a surprise birthday party a month in advance. Our last birthday together. But she told me she wanted her birthday to herself. That it was, somehow, "her" day. Selfishness. So much selfishness. She wanted to "be alone all day." So I told her I already had a birthday party planned for her. All her friends were coming. I was making the cake (I can cook) and everyone was looking forward to it. But nobody mattered but her. Oh did we fight about that. For weeks.

And in the end what did I do? The weakling, the fool, that I was. I gave in. I told her that if what she really wanted was to be alone all day, while I watched our son, that she could do that. Her main squeeze, which wasn't me, flew into town that day and they had a great time at the Best Western. While I put my son on his slide and stayed at the bottom. He was too scared to go down it without me there to catch him.

So who has affairs?

Completely self-absorbed selfish people. People who don't think about other people. Narcissistic people who care more about themselves then anyone. People who have no sense of self. Who can not judge themselves. Who have to have someone else give them compliments, boost their self-esteem constantly, so they don't _feel the void within._

Someone who would leave there husband and son at home, on their birthday, to go f*ck another guy. Someone who would leave a six month old baby in the other room so she could take pornographic pictures of herself and send them to another guy. So that she could get off.

I always wonder why not do that with me? I was willing. Able. I'm fit. Since the separation I've gotten nothing but compliments, which pleases me to no end. I just dropped my girlfriend off after a pleasant night, but I'm completely not ready for anything past making out and watching Netflix. Am I still fat, ugly, and unattractive, _and always was?_ I guess not.

But the trust issues, those mind-shattering trust issues, they linger and ruin everything.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> So who has affairs?
> 
> Completely self-absorbed selfish people. People who don't think about other people. Narcissistic people who care more about themselves then anyone. People who have no sense of self. Who can not judge themselves. Who have to have someone else give them compliments, boost their self-esteem constantly, so they don't _feel the void within._But the trust issues, those mind-shattering trust issues, they linger and ruin everything.


AH, RB, you need to hang around here. It helps. They really do/did a number on us, didn't they? There was much in your post I could relate to, especially the part quoted. They are broken people. And we are not.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Howdy Fenix, you have no idea how much help I've found here. I'm so glad I found this place. But I still feel like such a fool. I mean 20-20 hindsight, right? How many red flags were there? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? At least the blinders are off.

But I sure do feel like a broken person. Trying to put a puzzle together, with half the pieces missing and no box.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

rustytheboyrobot said:


> Howdy Fenix, you have no idea how much help I've found here. I'm so glad I found this place. But I still feel like such a fool. I mean 20-20 hindsight, right? How many red flags were there? Fifty? A hundred? A thousand? At least the blinders are off.
> 
> But I sure do feel like a broken person. Trying to put a puzzle together, with half the pieces missing and no box.


Oh sure. The red flags were everywhere, but my stbx was the grandest, smoothest liar ever. I ended up second guessing myself all of the time. His explanations were just so plausible. The end result was me being gaslighted and learning not to trust my gut. Now that I know, it all has fallen into place. The blinders are off and I know I can rely on my intuition. I would much prefer living a life that is not a mirage.

Maybe I was broken, but now I am tempered.  You get to create your own box now. There is freedom in that.


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