# Same old problem



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

OK so I have a similar situation to Pete. There is just no intimacy anymore. I am far from perfect and no saint, though to her her talk you would think I walked on water. We have been married for 12 years and for the last 5-7 years the sex life has dwindled to about 1/month. As I have told her repeatedly, it isn't necessarily the quantity but the quality. She rarely gets fully naked, won't let me lick her, finger her, etc.

We have been "talking" about this issue for months now. She says she is perfectly content and that I don't do anything that has turned her off, she just has no interest in sex anymore. Not with me nor anyone else. I am highly sexual. Now, she used to be more-so than me so it isn't something where she has never been all that sexual.

For my part I am a bit overweight, though no more-so than when we met. I can be a bit of a cynic/pessimist, but again I have always been that way. But probably my most problematic problem is that I have low self-esteem. This balloons the issue because I wrap up some of my esteem in feeling desired. I know, my problem.

For her part, I think she is just wrapped up in her own life with the kids, etc (And God-forsaken Facebook). She is a stay at home mom (which we both discussed and wanted) but has recently been working part-time outside the house which she seems to really enjoy. (Our girls are still pretty young).

We have taken the 5 languages of love test also. I am a 9 on physical touch, she is a 1, whereas she is a 9 on acts of service and I am a 2. We were both 9's on Quality time but I think we have different definitions of it.  She expresses her love for me by doing things for me and I know that and I know she loves me but the lack of intimacy is driving me out of my mind.

I do help around the house, with the kids, etc., though I am sure not as much as she would like. I do have some interests outside the home, though not a lot mainly because of time and money constraints.

Now, here is the ugly part. Recently a beautiful woman has expressed her attraction to me and I am over the moon. A large part of it is the stroke to my ego because of my low self-esteem and I don't get a lot of women paying much attention to me. It also doesn't help that most other parts of my life seem to be in a rut right now. Call it middle-age, whatever (I am 40 btw) but I am just questioning everything right now.

I didn't mention this early enough but I love my wife. She is a fantastic wife and mother and in 99/100 ways I couldn't ask for better. But I so long to feel desired/touched that it is tearing us apart. As I mentioned earlier we have been talking and talking about this but it doesn't seem to sink in. I have even mentioned being tempted but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

Do I tell her about my "crush"? Part of me wants to so that it is out in the open and might wake her up a little, but I also honestly do not want to hurt her. Before anyone asks, I am almost 99.99% positive that she is not having an affair, not that it hasn't entered my mind.

I know you are all going to say focus on myself, etc. etc. Which I am in the process of doing. But I honestly don't want to lose my wife so lets say I get in great shape and get some self-confidence and nothing changes, where does that get me? Of course if I break down and cheat, I also lose her. Am I just stuck with my hand? Am I asking too much???


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hmmm, your situation is a tough one. In most cases when a wife doesn't want sex, it is because of built up resentment. In your case however, you mention that your wife talks about you as if you are a saint, not the actions of a resentful wife.
How old is she? Has she recently had some hormonal issues? Is your wife in shape or could she perhaps feel unhappy with her body? 
Last question and also a comment, you mentioned that a "gorgeous" woman came on to you but you haven't mentioned anything about how gorgeous your wife is, could she perhaps be feeling that as well and therefore has shut off sexually? Women feel these vibes, they really do.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

She is 43 and yes she has body image issues but I think she looks great and I tell her that, not that she listens. Yes, my wife is also beautiful but I probably don't tell her that specifically enough anymore. Especially after 5+ years of rejection. I only mentioned the beauty of the "other woman" because as I said, I am not exactly a lady-killer because I am average looking with low self-esteem, so most women aren't knocking down my door.  I do get some that like me because I'm the "nice guy". And honestly in all cases except this one, I have never really gave it much thought or interest. And this is very recent, her lack of interest in me has been years now.

We don't know if she has hormonal issues and they wouldn't be new. She has claimed that is the problem for years now but she refuses to get looked at and won't go see a councilor with me either. She just finally gave in last week to go see our GP. Though she did just recently admit to me that she is scared because her family has a history of crazy medical issues and she doesn't want to hear that something could be wrong with her.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> She is 43 and yes she has body image issues but I think she looks great and I tell her that, not that she listens. Yes, my wife is also beautiful but I probably don't tell her that specifically enough anymore. Especially after 5+ years of rejection. I only mentioned the beauty of the "other woman" because as I said, I am not exactly a lady-killer because I am average looking with low self-esteem, so most women aren't knocking down my door.  I do get some that like me because I'm the "nice guy". And honestly in all cases except this one, I have never really gave it much thought or interest. And this is very recent, her lack of interest in me has been years now.
> 
> We don't know if she has hormonal issues and they wouldn't be new. She has claimed that is the problem for years now but she refuses to get looked at and won't go see a councilor with me either. She just finally gave in last week to go see our GP. Though she did just recently admit to me that she is scared because her family has a history of crazy medical issues and she doesn't want to hear that something could be wrong with her.


I do understand her fear of medical issues and worrying that something really bad might be looming. That is pretty normal, IMO.
Okay, so both of you have some weight issues that are hindering you. You mention that you are overweight and lack self esteem and you mention that she has body issues as well. I know this might sound like a really quick fix but what about joining a gym together? If finances prevent that, then what about a commitment to each other to go for 30 minute walks, 3 times a week? You would be stunned at how quickly you two can loose weight with just a few walks a week. This would also allow you two time to be alone and talk. It also has the added benefit of boosting your self confidence and more than likely hers. Confident people feel good about themselves and in turn, feel good to others. She will get a testosterone surge from exercise and in turn, you will benefit from that. 
The New Year is right around the corner. This could really really be a positive time for both of you to get proactive with your bodies and in turn, reap the benefits of its rewards. 
7 years ago, I lost 30+ lbs and have kept it up. My sex drive has never been higher and I am almost 40.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I wanted to add, that even if she isn't on board with working out or going for walks or maybe logistics of having small children prevent the two of you from doing that together, do it yourself. Do it FOR yourself. I 100% guarantee you that if you felt good about your body, you would project a much different image to your wife. Women love a confident man. Right now she doesn't see that but the new year is approaching, time to take a stand and better yourself.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Thanks folks, I do plan on losing some weight in the new year but it won't help my self confidence. I was in the Marine Corps for several years and was in great shape and still had none.  And she is far from overweight.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Thanks folks, I do plan on losing some weight in the new year but it won't help my self confidence. I was in the Marine Corps for several years and was in great shape and still had none.  And she is far from overweight.


What is it about you that lacks confidence? You were a Marine, baby! That's pretty darn awesome and something to feel enormously proud of!!
Growing up near Camp Pendleton, I got to see Marines train daily. It is tough and physically (IMO) the hardest branch of the military to stick it out with. You should have oodles of confidence from that alone, nevermind the sacrifice you made for your country.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Well let's see, I have:

- Average to less than average looks
- Less than average height
- Less than average "size" - If you get my drift
- Maybe a little higher than average intelligence
- No discernable talents (i.e. music, art, etc)

I've always been a bit of a misfit in that I am too smart for the "jock" crowd but too "normal" for the brainiacs..  Or maybe too ******* for the yuppies and too yuppie for the ********?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mate, you got married for 12 years, you think your missus just blindfolded herself to the wedding? Come on bro =/


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

You're issue, it is common. Take heart, I can help.

First, stop talking so much about sex, or about how much you want sex, or miss sex, or need sex. 

Talking about sex with your woman, it is a waste of time.

Talking about sex with your woman, it is the same to her as if you are begging for sex.

A man begging her for sex, very few things under the sun are less attractive to a woman.

Instead, show in actions and deeds what is your desires. 

Your comment about she won't "let" you lick her, etc. That is BIG red flag.

For your benefit, learn the concept of fitness testing, and the pitfalls of being too "nice guy" for a woman.

A woman, her sexual fires are not going to be stoked to a roaring fire by the man who must wait around and ask permission for this or that.

The man that both knows what he wants, and is bold enough to pursue what he wants, this man is not the man lacking for sex. Take that to the bank!

Want sex with your woman to be stoked to the roaring flame? Then be the man that stokes her sexual fire!

If your woman thinks you are a saint, then let her see some of the devil inside, for the happiness and sexual bliss of BOTH of you.

Your dark desires, the selfish sexual fantasies you keep locked up inside, do not think you are doing yourself a favor to keep this hidden. 

Instead, give your woman the privilege of exploring these fantasies with you, and even her fantasies that she maybe is fearful of expressing in front of her saint husband!

Does this take courage to reveal these to your woman? Sure it does.

Does this take boldness, or fear of rejection or looking like some sexual fiend? Sure it does.

So what?

You are the man in the relationship, take the risk to be bold in the bedroom! No risk, no reward.

And this reward, it is too great to miss!

What good is the saint strumming a harp alone on a cloud, if he is not getting the sexual fulfillment he is desiring from his woman? While the devil below, he gets all the fulfillment he can stand! 


Oh, and this "crush" woman, forget her.

Your wife, she needs to be your "crush."

YOu may not believe this now but bleieve this later, but it is truth, you can have the SAME feelings and crush and emotional "high" 100 times more without the guilt and nonsense and utter life destroying misery of an affair with your woman at home. This is the reality, but you need to put some pieces in place first.

So just to make this easy, imagine indeed having some "affair" with a woman.

What would you do it? How would you behave?

Would you "do more around the house"? Would you kiss her butt? Would you be timid and wait for "permission" to lick her, or finger her?

Of course you wouldn't!

You would plan fantastic dinners and opportunities to "show your mettle" to your woman!

You would set up rendezvous at hotels, and create "opportunities" for intimacy!

You would be bold, to explore without reservation your own sexual desires, "go for broke" concerning your deepest, darkest sexual desires, because you plan and risk so much to be with this woman, and she FEELS sexually by your actions and behavior that she is quite the woman for you to risk so much over, and she is ROARING ON FIRE for the man that makes her feel this way! 

And in this way, emotions and sexual excitement are indeed on fire between both you and your woman, and indeed why affairs are so addicting and exciting, the forbidden fruit, the sexual passion, the risk and reward.

The secret is just this, these emotional and sexual feelings come from deliberate actions and behaviors.

Put these deliberate actions and behaviors in place WITHIN the marriage, and experience the SAME tings as some affair, without the affair nonsense.

Stop treating your wife like your sister or your mother.

START treating her like a woman. 

Yes, treat her EXACTLY like the woman you intend to have a seductive affair with.

Do this, and tings will go much better for you. 

I wish you well.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> She is 43 and yes she has body image issues but I think she looks great and I tell her that, not that she listens. Yes, my wife is also beautiful but I probably don't tell her that specifically enough anymore. Especially after 5+ years of rejection. I only mentioned the beauty of the "other woman" because as I said, I am not exactly a lady-killer because I am average looking with low self-esteem, so most women aren't knocking down my door.  I do get some that like me because I'm the "nice guy". And honestly in all cases except this one, I have never really gave it much thought or interest. And this is very recent, her lack of interest in me has been years now.
> 
> We don't know if she has hormonal issues and they wouldn't be new. She has claimed that is the problem for years now but she refuses to get looked at and won't go see a councilor with me either. She just finally gave in last week to go see our GP. Though she did just recently admit to me that she is scared because her family has a history of crazy medical issues and she doesn't want to hear that something could be wrong with her.


This, to me, seems very important! It shows that she likes avoiding potential problems because she thinks if she ignores them, they'll just go away. It could be the same with the sex issue.

Regardless, _she needs to get regular check-ups. *Especially*_ if she has a history of illness in her family!!! People avoid the doctor all the time because they're scared the doctor will find cancer or something. Well guess what, if you never go to the doctor, what could have been an easily curable cancer _will_ kill you. I am (obviously) very opinionated on this issue; fear is no excuse for not taking responsibility for your own health. Explain to her that it's never to late to start addressing these concerns (hint, hint!) and that she can't make a problem disappear by looking the other way. Support her when she's at the doctor if she's scared; go with her to show your support. I would also encourage her to see a specialist if either of you is worried about hormones--an endocrinologist or gynecologist will know more about it than your GP. Ask him/her to refer you.

BBW offers good advice on this sex issue. It seems like your self esteem is the main problem here, not necessarily your wife's interest in sex. You can't change her attitudes, but you can change your own; I feel like working on building self esteem and confidence will help the sex naturally come back.

For the record, you are probably above average in everything--you just think you're below average. (For most people, it's the other way around haha). Women don't really care about the "average" height; in fact, studies have shown that women are attracted to men who are about three to three and a half inches taller than them. So if you're 5'6 and your wife is 5'3, she will find you incredibly attractive even though your height is technically "below average." If you are above average intelligence, then use that intelligence to flirt with your wife--put a little thought into some witty remarks and find some ways to tease her gently (with words). It's a quick way to increase her attraction! 

Also, get thee to a gym! It's not necessarily about losing weight or building muscle so much as building self esteem. Good luck!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

BigBadWolf,

I understand what you are trying to say but I have been there/done that. She knows what I want and I make it VERY clear. I have no issues telling her my sexual fantasies. In fact the running joke in our relationship is anal sex because she knows I dig it but she will never allow it.

As for the "other woman", she desires me for who I am. I have not gone out of my way in any aspect to garner her attention. We have planned no fantastic dinners or rendezvous.

Now I like your idea of rendezvous with my wife, etc. And I have been thinking a lot about that lately. However, logistically and financially it is very difficult.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Logistically and financially aside, you need to MAKE it happen somehow! 

Even a dinner for two at a nice restaurant, that you yourself decide, plan, and instigate, will go far. 

Become your own leader in romance and sexual attraction. You say otherwise you have "no hobbies or interests", fine for now. 

Take for yourself this hobby then, to be the master sexual and romance lover of your woman!

So to start, this is critical, treat your wife exactly like the way you would treat her if you and her were just getting together, or even having an affair.

And for yourself, become a master of sexual and romantic arts!

I see your other thread in the Ladies Lounge as well, so I will think about some suggestions for you and continue to offer some suggestions here in the Men's Clubhouse instead.

Hypergamy - read about it, study it. Pay attention to see how this plays out in your sexual relatoinship and/or any other sexual relationship that you observe. 

Even if you do not agree or understand the Hypergamy concept at all, there is powerful lessons for any man wishing to stop doing "attraction killers" and start doing instead what really works concerning sexual attraction from a woman.

I will have other suggestions as well, but some I will not be willing to suggesting publicily on this open forum.

If you wish, and only if you wish, I will PM you at your request some of these other tings in private, some that are very controversial but non the less, without dispute devastingly effective to sexual attraction.

I wish you well.


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## twoplusthree (Jan 12, 2011)

I really feel for you situation - I could almost imagine my husband writing a similar message at (many) times in our marriage.

It's very difficult to find a solution to the problem if your wife isn't willing to work at it too. Any idea why she isn't? 

I appreciate that she has been worried about finding out there is something wrong with her but if there is something, not knowing doesn't change that. My daughter (she's 6) has cancer and it has been really scary, but imagine if we hadn't found out. I have had serious problems with depression for years, but finding the right medication has made all the difference.

You getting fitter is highly unlikely to change things. And there's nothing wrong with feeling good because someone is interested in you - so long as you don't act on it.

There are things available that can boost your wife's sex drive. Have a look at sexinthemarriage.com for a non-medical/herbal way. I don't know if it works - maybe you could let me know (or I'll just point you in the direction of my husband!).

Good luck.


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## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> You're issue, it is common. Take heart, I can help.
> 
> First, stop talking so much about sex, or about how much you want sex, or miss sex, or need sex.
> 
> ...



:iagree:The bestadvice I have read) Listen to BogBadWolf, caus ehe knows what he is talking about. As a woman I would fall more for thos ethings than just begging. I do think instead of the gym you need to work on your self-esteem a little and try to look mor econfident and get back into the game. And we all know how that is))


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

Seconded on BigBadWolf...

Sounding familier to my issues, I went on a couple of weeks turn around an acting like I did when we first met. Putting in the same types of effort for when we first met. Of course, this is why she fell for me. 

It has had amazing effects, I cannot believe the transformation, and things are as good now as they have ever been.

Really take in what he has said, after all, she fell in love with the man you was, you just need to make her feel like you did when you first met. (The effort you would have made to just get together like teenagers etc)

not easy, and it won't work after a day or two. But like I said, I have been doing all this for the last 2 weeks, and the turnaround has been unbelievable.

Even to the point on Sunday, when she "dressed up" for me, without even me asking (and she even told me that morning she was going to). 

Read through the manning up bit, and really take in what BigBadWolf is saying. Confidence is also Key.

This site has been my saviour (and my partners, even though she doesn't know about it)

Good Luck


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What some of you need to realize is that if you're in a sexless marriage MOST of the time the partner show is sexless has tried everything. Everything you've suggested and more...and nothing changes. At some point you have to be an adult about the situation and analyze it objectively. Are YOU the problem? The suggestions are nice in that they get you thinking about changing the one thing you can..yourself. But what happens when SHE is the problem? You can't change somebody elses feelings or behaviour. THey have to be willing to.

A lot of what you've been given is great advice, but I just wanted to let you know that sometimes there's just nothing that you can do. And the pain of rejection from having tried everything under the sun to get your wife to show the same intimacy that she once did and coming up empty time and time again...it's demoralizing.

So I guess I don't really have any pearls of wisdom. Only empathy.


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