# things change?



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I've been reading the posts on this site the last couple of days and I'm left with the question. 
What do you really need to have square in your mind after your marriage has endured an affair by one spouse....
My view point is because the vows you took at the time of marriage to stay committed to your spouse in good times and bad do no longer exist....
What is it that we can wrap our heads around if that's not what is the bond anymore between you.....
Is there a celebration of the anniversary of the vows you took if they no longer exist?
If you forgive them for their affair and acknowledge your part in the marriage breakdown do you just start the clock again without a vow in place like you did when you were dating?
Building trust seems easy if you over time can depend on their word and their actions that will/should repair itself....
How would you classify your relationship at this point.....
I guess I think I took these vows in front of my family and God and we spoke the words as a promise to each other, to me when the oath is broken it no longer stands what do you have a relationship without a viable promise?
I know a lot of relationships happen easily without a vow or piece of paper that states you are married and committed to each other and I guess you really don't need it ......I just don't know what we can call what we have now......
I know it sounds silly, anyone else think about this?
sometimes I think I think to much......my husband says we have each other and he is committed to me the rest of our lives together


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Jessi - you bring up some really good points! I am so glad you took the time to ask these questions. While a lot of what you bring up is something that is left up to the individuals within the relationship, there are some things you can consider. For example:



> My view point is because the vows you took at the time of marriage to stay committed to your spouse in good times and bad do no longer exist....


In a way, you are right. Those vows can be considered broken at the moment the infidelity is committed. If this is where you stand, if this is where your conscience leads you, how about this: would you consider renewing your vows?



> I guess I think I took these vows in front of my family and God and we spoke the words as a promise to each other, to me when the oath is broken it no longer stands what do you have a relationship without a viable promise?


Again, this is a personal question: it is dependent upon where your conscience places you. If your relationship to God is one that you value, then you might want to keep in mind the fact that God forgives us when we break our vows to Him. But again, I see no reason why you could not approach the idea of renewing your vows with your husband.

This could actually be a very good thing: you both have a much more complete understanding of the significance of those vows now! It might make for a much stronger relationship - and a much stronger desire to abide by promises!

----------------
Now playing: Martina McBride - Goin' To Work
via FoxyTunes


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

renewing our vows is something that we are considering....it all just seems like such a shame to me that 26 years together and that the vow I held so sacred between us no longer exists for me......I guess I just think it's a big price to pay between a couple when an affair happens to give all that up for a 6 month relationship that means nothing now.......it all seems so pointless to me.....
I figure life is a long time to live without any mistakes and we are all human and we don't know what the future will hold for any of us or what we will do ourselves.......
All we can do is set some rules for ourselves, be the best person we can be, love the ones closest to us and make the lives we live happy and positive.......
I can't control what my husband does or thinks and I know that loving him might be a risk for me, but I think love is worth a chance and I believe in family and marriage.......
You learn so much about who you are as a person when you are faced with difficult decisions.....


----------



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Hi Jessi you have helped me before on the forom and maybe now i can help u...After 40 years of marriage my wife had an affair which also went on for 6 months....I have stayed committed to my vows and will continue to......as long as i stay married.....we now have to be concerned with how WE are as people and cannot control our spouse....that they shattered the vows is something they have to live with and decide if they want to renew them.....as i have told my wife a piece of paper now means nothing to me but what does matter is is what is in my head and heart.....all you can do is your part to make it work and hope your spouce is doing the same....If your recovery is like mine we are now talking more than we have ever done in 40 years we are spending more quality time together than we ever have and we dont ignore the fact that the affair happened we talk about it.....she knows that our life has changed for ever but that could be a good thing....only my opinion but its not the vows that keep marriages good its the people......we can put alot of time into thinking about the affair but what good does it do us i am now looking at her actions going forward and so far its been very good....i believe you love your husband very much and if he is trying to change then he also loves you very much....keep working from your end and all will work out......sorry about rambling i have just decided not to destroy my self with ugly thoughts that hurt more than help....we have no control over our spouses but we DO have control over ourselves


----------



## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ...only my opinion but its not the vows that keep marriages good its the people...


You're quite right there - that vows are the basis for the marriage - the reason it exists. But what is done with the marriage, now that it exists, is up to the partners within it.

But those vows are the basis: that's where you should be able to turn for reassurance when things seem dark. When things are down, you can remember that you both promised "x," "y," and "z" to one another - and it is acceptable to expect your partner to live up to their word. The fact that you understand that they keep their promises is a fortress when things get bad. 

That is why keeping your word is so important - and why infidelity can hurt so much: it seems like your spouse either lied to you when they spoke those promises, or else they simply don't honor their commitments. 

But I also say that if a marriage recovers from infidelity, the knowledge gained on how important those vows are should be a primary focus of growth: and if that growth occurs, the marriage will automatically be stronger and better than it was before.


----------



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Trust is huge in a relationship-I did break my HB heart with my EA, and have turned into a very different woman over the past few months. 

I DID betray him and our vows big time with my affair; however I think of being emotionally abused and controlled my my HB over the last 8 years was a betrayal of his vows as well. Honestly...I am going to get grilled for this...but I told my HB before our wedding that I would like to leave the 'death do us part' out of our wedding vows! We wrote our own, and instead it was 'all the days of our lives' which we had an understanding that should one of us feel like our time together has come to an end, we will let the other go. Our deal breakers were infidelity and abuse (I intended it to mean physical but didn't consider that emotional abuse is still abuse!) 
As much as we want to believe we are committing for the rest of our lives, I truly believe things happen, people change, hurts get piled up and the damage can be too great to repair after years and years of it! I believe to try all that you can first, but if in the end you can't be happy together..why fight it forever and be miserable together? Thats my 2 cents anyway.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there cantclearhead, 
Thanks for response and it's great to hear about you and your wife putting things back together for the better, warms my heart, 40 years, I know it can't be easy for either of you....
My husband and I are better as well, better than we have been in years. The affair has caused some damage for both of us but you are very right and I thank you for taking the time to talk to me, It's about the two of us and the changes we have made in the marriage to make things better for both of us.....you are right I can't control what anyone else does, just what I do. It makes me sad the whole affair has changed things for us but I'm also looking forward to a better future with a more loving husband than I have had......you are right I shouldn't think about the past and the affair, all the thinking in the world won't change the facts and it doesn't do any good to re-live, think about that time....
Most of the time I just live one day at a time and enjoy that, we are starting to discuss more future stuff as well.....
Planning another vacation together, talking a bit about retirement timelines I guess for me it's just going to take a little more time to feel totally secure and safe again.....
thanks for the responses......


----------



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Hi Jessi It does sound like you and your husband are doing very good if you are planning a future...My wife and i are doing the same...we are also taking a vacation to florida in about a week and have decided to try and get away at least 3 to 4 times a year.......as far as security in the marriage i think that is what got me in trouble in the first place...we coexisted in the same house we told each other we loved each other everyday we had a great sex life even while the affair was going on but we never talked...i know some will ask how someone can have an affair when things seem to be great at home .trust me it can happen .....she needed more and when someone told her how gorgeous she was it knocked her off her feet......i now feel if you get to secure in a marriage thats when you invite problems...thats also when you stop working on the marriage ...we need to know what each other does with out being to invasive.....Maybe i am getting over the affair to quickly but i see no purpose to dwelling in my mind about it....and could it happen again sure but it could happen with me also....its something to deal with if it does not something to worry your self sick over for years to come.....i dont know about you but my life is to precious and at age 60 i have learned to control the things i can at TRY not to worry to much about the things i cant... when the time comes for all of us we have to answer to the big guy and i feel i have a foot in the door with him and she has to answer for her self


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

You my friend are a smart one, you have learned to live life the right way, with integrity and honesty......I'm going to take your advice and stop letting this affair my husband decided to have take any more of my life......we don't know what the future will hold, but I guess we can enjoy the ride getting there.......I'm going to enjoy my husband and my future and not worry so much about the why's and what if's.
I'll see you at the pearly gates and we can compare notes....hehe!!!


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jessi~

I have a secret for you and I don't mean it's a "hide it from the world" secret (otherwise why am I posting here for everyone to see! LOL :lol but more like "I don't broadcast this for everyone because it's private and sort of mine." 

My Dear Hubby and I decided to have TWO anniversaries every year. The first is the day we stood before God and family and took our vows. We celebrate that one with our whole family and it's kind of our public anniversary. He never broke these public vows, so it's right and reasonable to continue this anniversary. 

Then we have one that is our private anniversary. It's the day we renewed our vows privately to each other. You can do a renewal service, or just the two of you sneak off and elope again...but this anniversary is private. No one else knows the date, and it is not one you celebrate out loud with everyone else. it's JUST YOU TWO and it is the one that is romantic, secluded, sexy and something just you two share. That second anniversary is not so much to remember "it's been three years now since the affair" or whatever, but more like the annual reminder that you two choose each other very specifically, very mindfully, again. Make sense? 

Maybe that would be something you two could do. We call it our Private Anniversary.


----------



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

jessi see you at the gates but lets give it 25 or 30 years got way to much life to live


----------



## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Thank you for an enlightening post. I am just starting on the rollercoaster of finding out about H's EA. He has filed for divorce and wants out of the marriage.

I have been debating in my mind if I can ever forgive him, or would I let him come home if he decides he wants to come back to me and the kids. At first, I didn't think it was possible to forgive him, but after reading this thread, I believe there is a possiblility, that there might be hope for us in the future. Right now it is out of my hands. I am letting him go (he's so adament to leave) and am starting to focus on me and the kids. 

Maybe when he is out of his comfort zone (in apartment, no furniture, no kids, no one to take care of him, no OW as she hasn't filed for divorce yet), he will realize all that he has given up.

So do you have to start working on the forgiveness right away or can you deal with other things first and move on down the list. I know I can only work on the forgiveness part when we are apart. Seeing him everyday makes it hard to let go of the bad feelings.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

4mockingbird,
hi there, 
glad the post has given you some hope, I think forgiveness is for you as well as your marriage.....
when I first found out about my husband's affair I went to a therapist and he told me I was trying to fix everything to quicky, take the time to feel what you feel.....think things through ask yourself why you feel this way. I based things at first on what my gut was telling me to do, I was all over the place with my emotions so that was all I could do, one day at a time, one minute at a time.....all I can say is it's a process, he can only decide his own decisions, we can't make them do what they don't want to. I was ready to let my husband walk as well, he told me he wanted his other woman, as time went on and he had to live the reality of his decisions, things changed for him.......there aren't any guarantees that he will return but I'm sure the new life he will live will be lonely and missing a lot of what he is used to with you and your kids.......they usually learn that there is a lot of things about the new woman that they just don't like or that they just aren't like they were while they were in their affair, all of a sudden lifes little problems show them for their true light........
Wait it out, take care of yourself and your kids, make him look at you like it was the biggest mistake of his life and be open to what life is offering you, who knows what tomorrow will bring.....
post here, message when you need someone to talk to and life will get better with each day that passes......
good luck, I know it's tough.....((((hugs)))))


----------

