# Struggles in a 20 year marriage



## laj

I am probably a terrible person for all of this. If I’m being a ***** and the worst wife possible, tell me. Lately I have felt bored in my marriage. I feel like I need something new and I keep finding myself looking at other men and thinking about other men. I wonder what other men would be like and if it would be better. I wonder what dating is like and what more experiences are like. A male friend of mine has been getting increasingly more attractive to me, and I catch myself thinking about him. I feel like I love my husband, but I’m not in love. Our marriage feels stale to me, but my husband is happy with it. There is no excitement left or spontaneity, which has always been hard with kids but it feels so much duller now than before. 

Maybe that is par for the course, being 20 years and 6 kids into marriage. My husband and I are 36 and we have been together for 24 years. Yes, those numbers are correct. My husband and I have been friends from birth. We were born 3 days apart, and were neighbours for our entire childhoods. When we were 12 we started dating, and we married with parental permission at 16. 

My whole life has been spent with my husband. He has always been there. I had a pretty crappy childhood, but he was always the constant in my life. I married my best friend, but feeling like best friends has slowly dwindled over the years. 

My husband is obviously the only man I have ever dated, kissed, been intimate with, etc. I can’t say the same for him, and that makes it harder. He has stepped outside of our marriage, and it’s something that I thought was behind us but right now I can’t stop thinking about it. Things that happened 10-21 years ago, feel like they were yesterday. We’ve been to marriage counselling many times and we’ve dealt with this, so why does it have to keep coming back. 

Our sex life isn’t good. It doesn’t feel good for me and never has. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s something that has been brought up to doctors and a physiotherapist, and there is no reason for it. I can’t orgasm and he has been with women who can. He’s had better sex with other women and regardless of how long ago that was, it still makes me feel like crap. I feel like I should be my husband’s best, maybe that’s wrong of me to think. He rarely wants to have sex now, and the more he turns me down the worse I feel about myself. 

My husband doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to. He says that I’m pretty, but hasn’t given me a compliment on my body is years. He doesn’t touch me anymore. When we do have sex he doesn’t want me to take my shirt off. Over the years his body has improved, mine has become worse. My abdomen, hips, breasts, and butt are covered in stretch marks. I have loose skin on my stomach. I have two c-section scars, one horizontal and one vertical. It looks like someone took a machete to my abdomen. My breasts have given up after 5 pregnancies and nursing 6 babies. My body is never going to be what it was, and I think I’d be okay with that if my husband was. This body gave us 6 kids, but my husband doesn’t see it that way. When I ask if he is still attracted to me he dodges the question. He doesn’t look at me the same way that he used to. When I get dressed in front of him he doesn’t look at me anymore. When I see him look at another woman I can’t help but wonder if she looks better than I do and what he’s thinking. 

I want my husband to be attracted to me, if he isn’t no one else ever would be. He is the one person who should be. I don’t want to feel bored, or think about other men. I don’t want anyone else, or at least I don’t want to want someone else. I don’t know why I even think about other men, it’s not like someone else would want me. Body issues aside, I have 4 teenagers and 2 young kids. 

I want my husband to be attracted to me. But me being caught up on his affairs 10-21 years ago is on me. We’ve dealt with it… It shouldn’t keep coming back into my mind. Aside from not touching me the way he used to, my husband is very affectionate. He calls me when he’s at work and commuting home. We have weekly date nights now that our teens can stay home alone. We go out for lunch on some of his work days. He has been trying to spend more time with our family. We never fight. So why do I feel bored, attracted to other men and think about other men. This can’t be how it’s supposed to be 20 years into marriage.


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## Lostinthought61

First of all stop beating yourself up, it serves only to bestow more shame on yourself. your feelings are as real as anything else, and you need to address your feelings or it will continue to attack you mentally and emotionally. You need to gather your thoughts write them down and sit down with your husband and talk about your feelings, especially those about him not wanting you , your feeling of rejection and about how you feel about others and about his affair. he might be thinking similar things as well. Communication is so important. Also important talk in a quiet place away from the kids.


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## sunsetmist

So many folks who marry young and have had sex with only one person stray or want to. TAM sees this frequently. Hurt and even betrayal are inevitable results. You resent his infidelity--with cause. The first time he cheated y'all were very young. Not sure if you meant he cheated twice or many times over a period of those years. Beware of the grass is greener dilemma. Stop thinking 'what if.' Boredom is no excuse.

A huge percentage of really good sex is in the brain combined with the skill (which is learned) of those involved. Work on feeling better about yourself. I know you are a busy lady, but you deserve working on you and then ignore what can't be fixed. Some men see signs of childbirth as a loving part of their wives. Y'all are young. 

As has been suggested be open, communicate everything. Focus on the good and work on other stuff.


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## TJW

It's impossible for anyone to go through decades of life and never be attracted to some person other than your spouse. This is not being a "bad" spouse, it's biology. We're wired like that.
Thoughts, and "wondering", are not, in themselves, "bad". We all do.

When it becomes "bad" is when those attractions are thought about to the point of acting upon them. Yes, your husband is "bad" for having cheated on you. He must face that reality in himself and repent of his lust. He should recognize that an appreciable portion of his lack of desire is stemming from his own sin.

As others have suggested, all the devil's dishes are empty. There may be pleasure in them for a brief time, but afterward, they become deadly poison to your spouse, your children, and yourself.

There is a large contingent of women who cannot orgasm by the conventional PIV sex alone. I have heard some estimates in the 30% decade. This is usually due to lack of knowledge on the part of their husbands, or unwillingness to supply sufficient clitoral stimulation to make it happen. This is, again, a response which is affected by the genetics of the woman, and not because they are "better" or "worse" than any other woman. Each woman has her own requirements for orgasm, and it is the responsibility of her husband to learn, and do, what is required for his wife.

I believe your doctors and therapist are correct, in that there is nothing "wrong" with you. You just don't get enough stimulation to cause orgasm by the methods and techniques being employed with your husband.


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## Lila

@laj I agree with all of the advice you've received so far from others and will not rehash it. But I did want to touch upon your description of your body....



> My abdomen, hips, breasts, and butt are covered in stretch marks. I have loose skin on my stomach. I have two c-section scars, one horizontal and one vertical. It looks like someone took a machete to my abdomen. My breasts have given up after 5 pregnancies and nursing 6 babies.


Assuming your husband found your body perfect in it's imperfection, would you still be self conscious about these physical "flaws"? Would the sagging boobs, loose stomach skin, and c-section scars make YOU feel self conscious and ugly? If the answer is yes, then consider cosmetic surgery. Mommy makeovers are common these days. If it's going to help you feel beautiful, and help with your self-confidence, I say go for it. DO NOT consider doing it for someone else. ONLY do it for you.


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## SunCMars

Lila said:


> @laj I agree with all of the advice you've received so far from others and will not rehash it. But I did want to touch upon your description of your body....
> 
> 
> 
> Assuming your husband found your body perfect in it's imperfection, would you still be self conscious about these physical "flaws"? Would the sagging boobs, loose stomach skin, and c-section scars make YOU feel self conscious and ugly? If the answer is yes, then consider cosmetic surgery. Mommy makeovers are common these days. If it's going to help you feel beautiful, and help with your self-confidence, I say go for it. DO NOT consider doing it for someone else. ONLY do it for you.


I was going to suggest the same thing.

Insurance companies do not pay for cosmetic surgery.They may pick up some of the other costs.

If you can get an Orthopedic Surgeon to recommend breast reduction surgery for your 'bad' back, then often times the IC's will pay for it.

When you go to the doctor, tell him you have been having upper back pain problems and could he write an order [pending approval] for breast reduction surgery.
Obviously, this would depend on their size. If small, the doctor may not want to write the order and seek pre-approval.

If money is an issue, and you are not working, I would recommend getting a job to help save up for this.


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## BarbedFenceRider

"marriage feels stale to me, but my husband is happy with it. There is no excitement left or spontaneity, which has always been hard with kids but it feels so much duller now than before. "


That just means that YOU need to take a 10,000 ft. view of your life together with hubby and start adressing it together! And I would make sure that he feels safe when you start talking about what you are feeling and thinking....

My bet would be that the man has NO CLUE you are feeling this way and he is just riding the wave. No one ever said that kids were easy! But that does not make the excuse to sit on your laurels and let love die. NOPE!!

Grab the bull by the horns and start re-invigorating your marriage and love life. The answer is NOT another man...It will be your ruin. Just ask around here.


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## Emerging Buddhist

He's had better sex with women he should never have had sex with?

That is a damning comparison... that is like saying "I was rich once because I stole money".

You used a plural there... "affairs". Many who "cake-eat" time and time again are probably missing the necessary respect needed to nurture the fullness of the relationship that needs the most attention, the marriage.

We often run the risk of losing appreciation for the things present in our life... when it's things we just swap them out because that's the materialism in us, when it's people, it's because we often begin to assess and compare them as things and lose our priorities over self.

Without touch... the marriage will wither.

It's not true that if your husband is not attracted to you no one else would be, what is true is that if you keep your mind where it is, and you find one who would pay a married woman that kind of attention, you will not find yourself in a good place should you accept those lower standards so not be that perceived reflection of how you think your husband sees you or you will end up a different reflection of your own disappointment as you realize your self-worth, something your husband should support.

Love yourself more... do not stray in your desires.

When you look at how your relationship connects as an option, you end up watering the wrong thing (boredom).


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## laj

I feel very conflicted. Right now I just want to be happy with my husband. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Then I see someone that I’m attracted to and my mind switches to wondering what he’d be like. Prior to now, I have never had that. I wasn’t attracted to other men because I didn’t notice them or pay attention. How do I stop that? I know that the grass most likely isn’t greener on the other side. And I know there isn’t going to be another side anyway. I want to be happy with what I have. I don’t want to cheat and I don’t plan on cheating. That isn’t something that I’d ever let happen. But I feel bad even just being attracted to other men. 

My husband and I have talked about it a little bit. I didn’t give him the full details of how I’m feeling. Some things maybe shouldn’t be said. I don’t want to keep bringing up his cheating, that was so long ago. We already dealt with it, it should be put to rest. He has been faithful for the last 10 years, cheating is suppose to be in the past. My husband notices attractive women sometimes, but after they are gone from his view he doesn’t keep thinking about them. He doesn’t wonder what other women are like, because he already knows… 

Between ages 15-26 he slept with 8 women an estimated 50-60 times. Every time I try to talk to him about feeling rejected, unwanted and unattractive to him, he dismisses it, ignores it or changes the subject. 

I have always felt insecure having sex with him. We didn’t have sex until we were married (at 16), but I wasn’t his first. He had already cheated. I knew that he had cheated and I was insecure about it. I wanted to have that first experience together. That insecurity has stuck around. He kept cheating after we had sex, and in a really bad time in our marriage he directly told me that someone else was better and I was terrible at sex. He denies that now, but it’s forever burned into my memories. Now he says that I’m not his worst… Every single time that we have sex I remind myself that he’s had better. When we were in marriage counselling he answer anything that I asked. I regret asking him if they were all better than me… Things like that I can’t forget. 

I don’t remember the last time we had sex. It makes me feel badly about myself because my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me. And it makes me worry that he’s found someone else, again. I know that he hasn’t, but I can’t stop that worry. 

Is the sex bad because I’m inherently bad at it? Because I can’t get over the past like I should be able to? Because I’m not experienced enough? If the sex was better with others, then I’m the one at fault for our bad sex life. 

If my husband was still attracted to my body, I don’t think I would be as self-conscious about it. I want to love my body and appreciate it. 

After my first two pregnancies my body went right back to normal and my husband complimented me often about getting back into shape so quickly. My third pregnancy was our twins and my body went through a lot bringing them into the world. My last two pregnancies added to the damage that had already been done. My husband has never found pregnancy beautiful, he finds pregnant women unattractive. He doesn’t view the stretch marks, loose skin and saggy breasts as anything other than unattractive. He judges people that he sees in public for a variety of things. 

Half of his cheating was from 15-17. Then he was faithful for 5 years, and after our twins were born (and my body went to ****) he slept with two women, had a two week affair and had a 3 month affair (over a 3 year period). 

A while ago a male friend of mine shared an article on Facebook about men loving their wife’s body after children. I showed it to my husband and his response was just “gay”. He’s very visual and appearance is important to him, always has been. I brought up having surgery at some point, and his response was that it’s a waste of money because I can keep it covered up. He knows how I feel about my body. He has never tried to make me feel better about it, and I know that’s not his job to make me feel better but sometimes it would be nice.


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## sunsetmist

IMHO: You would be more likely to orgasm if your husband treated you in a loving manner--this is NOT just on you! He has a history of cheating that affects your intimacy and connection with him. He deliberately hurts you where he knows you are vulnerable--emotional abuse. You fear he will return to his serial cheating.

Underlying all of this he knows you are HIS--dependent, likely co-dependent. You have been married since you are 16. He sounds like he treats you as his child, not his wife. 

Did you graduate from high school? Do you have skills otherwise? Work on your self-esteem. If you really want surgery, figure out how to make that happen.

When you talk, do you speak as equals? Who makes decisions? Have you grown as a person or are you 'needy'? Tough stuff, I know.


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## aine

laj said:


> I am probably a terrible person for all of this. If I’m being a ***** and the worst wife possible, tell me. Lately I have felt bored in my marriage. I feel like I need something new and I keep finding myself looking at other men and thinking about other men. I wonder what other men would be like and if it would be better. I wonder what dating is like and what more experiences are like. A male friend of mine has been getting increasingly more attractive to me, and I catch myself thinking about him. I feel like I love my husband, but I’m not in love. Our marriage feels stale to me, but my husband is happy with it. There is no excitement left or spontaneity, which has always been hard with kids but it feels so much duller now than before.
> 
> Maybe that is par for the course, being 20 years and 6 kids into marriage. My husband and I are 36 and we have been together for 24 years. Yes, those numbers are correct. My husband and I have been friends from birth. We were born 3 days apart, and were neighbours for our entire childhoods. When we were 12 we started dating, and we married with parental permission at 16.
> 
> My whole life has been spent with my husband. He has always been there. I had a pretty crappy childhood, but he was always the constant in my life. I married my best friend, but feeling like best friends has slowly dwindled over the years.
> 
> My husband is obviously the only man I have ever dated, kissed, been intimate with, etc. I can’t say the same for him, and that makes it harder. He has stepped outside of our marriage, and it’s something that I thought was behind us but right now I can’t stop thinking about it. Things that happened 10-21 years ago, feel like they were yesterday. We’ve been to marriage counselling many times and we’ve dealt with this, so why does it have to keep coming back.
> 
> Our sex life isn’t good. It doesn’t feel good for me and never has. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s something that has been brought up to doctors and a physiotherapist, and there is no reason for it. I can’t orgasm and he has been with women who can. He’s had better sex with other women and regardless of how long ago that was, it still makes me feel like crap. I feel like I should be my husband’s best, maybe that’s wrong of me to think. He rarely wants to have sex now, and the more he turns me down the worse I feel about myself.
> 
> My husband doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to. He says that I’m pretty, but hasn’t given me a compliment on my body is years. He doesn’t touch me anymore. When we do have sex he doesn’t want me to take my shirt off. Over the years his body has improved, mine has become worse. My abdomen, hips, breasts, and butt are covered in stretch marks. I have loose skin on my stomach. I have two c-section scars, one horizontal and one vertical. It looks like someone took a machete to my abdomen. My breasts have given up after 5 pregnancies and nursing 6 babies. My body is never going to be what it was, and I think I’d be okay with that if my husband was. This body gave us 6 kids, but my husband doesn’t see it that way. When I ask if he is still attracted to me he dodges the question. He doesn’t look at me the same way that he used to. When I get dressed in front of him he doesn’t look at me anymore. When I see him look at another woman I can’t help but wonder if she looks better than I do and what he’s thinking.
> 
> I want my husband to be attracted to me, if he isn’t no one else ever would be. He is the one person who should be. I don’t want to feel bored, or think about other men. I don’t want anyone else, or at least I don’t want to want someone else. I don’t know why I even think about other men, it’s not like someone else would want me. Body issues aside, I have 4 teenagers and 2 young kids.
> 
> I want my husband to be attracted to me. But me being caught up on his affairs 10-21 years ago is on me. We’ve dealt with it… It shouldn’t keep coming back into my mind. Aside from not touching me the way he used to, my husband is very affectionate. He calls me when he’s at work and commuting home. We have weekly date nights now that our teens can stay home alone. We go out for lunch on some of his work days. He has been trying to spend more time with our family. We never fight. So why do I feel bored, attracted to other men and think about other men. This can’t be how it’s supposed to be 20 years into marriage.


I think your feelings and insecurities are perfectly normal for a woman who has given all and sacrificed so much for her husband and family. The problem is the fact that your WH is not fully into you and the ghost of the past still haunts you coupled with his lack of attraction to you, this is a double whammy and bound to affect you in many ways.
YOu cannot make him attracted to you. I would suggest you start working on yourself. Go see a counsellor or therapist to talk about your insecurities, then start exercising, get plastic surgery if needs be, do something for yourself, you have spent 2 decades doing for everyone else. For some wives, its sport, hobbies, further education (me), new job. Start focusing on yourself, less on him and what he is not doing for you. You may find that you will care less for him and what he thinks. Happiness can only come from yourself noone else. You may also decide it is time to move on, when the kids are gone, start working on that being a serious option now rather than later. Your WH sounds like he could use a big wake up call.

Sorry I just read your second post, I would start working on an exit plan, your WH is a POS who has used you to create a family, a serial cheater than still makes you feel bad about yourself, why would you want to stay with that? Start planning now. To hell with him.


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## TJW

laj said:


> Is the sex bad because I’m inherently bad at it? No.
> Because I can’t get over the past like I should be able to? No.
> Because I’m not experienced enough? No.





laj said:


> If the sex was better with others, then I’m the one at fault for our bad sex life.


No, you aren't. Your husband is not making you feel safe. If you don't feel safe, then you are going to participate in sex with a certain reluctance. BTW, this is true of both men and women. They both have to feel "safe" in order to fully engage sexually.

To be sure, after adultery, it's a difficult and uphill climb to make one's partner feel safe ever again. But, with time, and rigorous attention to behavior and the words which so easily damage the fragile spouse, it can be done.



laj said:


> He knows how I feel about my body. He has never tried to make me feel better about it, and I know that’s not his job to make me feel better but sometimes it would be nice.


I have to respectfully disagree, about "not his job". It most certainly IS his job. And, it is a job which should be of paramount importance to him. I love my wife's body....I get excited when I see her get dressed, or get undressed. Almost every time I come into the bedroom when she's getting ready, my arms find themselves around her and I kiss her.... if she's in a hurry, I kiss her on the neck from the rear. If she's not in a hurry, I get to kiss her on the lips..... I love it....she's not even here, and I'm excited thinking about her and the next time I can sneak into the bedroom.... we're 66 and 64 

Your husband has, and is, committing a great sin by his adultery, and by his adultery of the mind. Both men and women should be aware of the poisonous results that lusting after others causes..... and, a man who truly loves his wife as himself will put away these selfish and immature thoughts.

I once heard a speaker say something to this effect: sexual life is like being in a room full of flies. You can't stop the flies from landing on you. However, when they do land, you have a choice....you can let them stay, or you can shoo them away....

"Shooing away" is the best we can do. And, if we develop a "shooing" habit, the flies will not infect us with the germs they carry.....



aine said:


> I would start working on an exit plan, your WH is a POS who has used you to create a family, a serial cheater than still makes you feel bad about yourself, why would you want to stay with that? Start planning now. To hell with him.


If you have all this "in place"....and your husband comes to repentance, and starts to treat you lovingly and fairly, you can just not go....but, unfortunately, I have to say, that although this outcome is possible, it's not likely.....


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