# Low libido solutions?



## ROCKACHAW (May 11, 2010)

My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. During the first year, the sex was great. It was creative, fairly frequent, and she was as eager to "get it on" as I was. The last two years, that enthusiasm has declined. We do have sex, but not as often and certainly not as imaginative. I have taken several different approaches to discuss this with her and her immediate response is defensive as if I am offending her somehow. I have taken the psychological approach, the supportive approach, the concerned approach, and I must admit, the angry approach. I have a degree in psychology which totally backfires because she thinks that I over analyze situations and does not like to be spoken to like a counselor (though I got a degree in Pscyh I did not take a career in the field). She has told me that I more likely to "get it" if I do not ask for it. However, if I do not ask, ten days go by with nothing! When I say that the first year was creative, I mean it was not the same old position, same old place (in the bed), it was more random. It was also a bit naughty meaning I received oral and loved giving her oral, there was anal a couple of times, and there was even some toys involved. This last year, that has all ceased. I can understand a female having some hangups on some things and I am fine with that but if she enjoyed that stuff before then why not now? She does not even want me to touch her down there with my hand. During one conversation, she said it may be her birth control but she has been on same bc since we met. During a different conversation, I mentioned how things were during the first year and her response was that was when things were new and "all relationships are more active in the beginning". I, of course, took offense to that and felt that it made no sense. I try to relay to her that I just want to figure out what is going one and make efforts to resolve the problem, but it is so hard to talk to her about it. We have talked about marriage a lot lately and we do really love each other. Everything else is great in our relationship. Recently, when I was sexually frustrated, we were talking about marriage and I made a rude comment that I really was not looking forward to spending the rest of my life with someone who has such a low libido. I got chewed out for that, and I know it was not a good thing to say but it was honest. I read articles about men that cheat and often times it is because the lack of sex at home and if a man is satisfied in his bedroom at home then he will not look to hop in another woman's bed. I would hate to be married and be so deprived sexually that I became interested in having an affair. Does anyone have any advice about what do do here? Getting her to admit that her sex drive is low is important and she has somewhat admitted that but she is not one to admit she does things wrong. I also do not want her to think that sex is the most important thing in our relationship but at the same time that a healthy sex life is somewhat important. HELP!


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

ROCKACHAW said:


> She has told me that I more likely to "get it" if I do not ask for it.


True to a point. If your constantly hanging around her begging, that will turn her off faster than anything. There is a difference between initiating sex and bugging someone about it.



ROCKACHAW said:


> I can understand a female having some hangups on some things and I am fine with that but if she enjoyed that stuff before then why not now?


Everyone gets in moods where they feel like X sometimes. Then other times, the enjoyment of X isn't like it was. My wife goes through periods where she may want anal every time. Then other times, she wants nothing to do with it. There are times I want things and don't as well. 



ROCKACHAW said:


> During one conversation, she said it may be her birth control but she has been on same bc since we met.


A woman's body chemistry changes with time. It could be affecting her now. I know my wife's drive (who normally has a pretty good sex drive) went into the trash when she was on Yasmin. She had been on it for years before but something changed and it killed it. She went off of it and as soon as it was out of her system she started going back to normal.



ROCKACHAW said:


> During a different conversation, I mentioned how things were during the first year and her response was that was when things were new and "all relationships are more active in the beginning". I, of course, took offense to that and felt that it made no sense.


From a womans side though Rock, it is! A woman has sex with her mind and emotions whereas a man generally has sex with his eyes and body. We are programmed differently. At first emotions run high as the relationship is new. You as the suitor lavish her with attention and do everything in your power to make her happy. It's simply natural. As you become comfortable though, you may stop doing some of those same things. It could be simple such as holding hands, talking for hours about anything, etc. But some component she needs for her drive is missing. It's your job to find out what it is you are not giving her (if her issue isn't strictly chemical in nature but behavioral). 



ROCKACHAW said:


> I read articles about men that cheat and often times it is because the lack of sex at home and if a man is satisfied in his bedroom at home then he will not look to hop in another woman's bed.


But how many times is it also the mans fault for him not receiving enough attention in the bedroom? A relationship is 2 people, and 90% of the time the issue lies with both, not just with one person. As far as sex goes, most times I feel it's the man not giving his wife the right kind of attention. Sure, there are cases where it's chemical or where she has mental problems. But I think most cases are more "simple" then that.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Read my post about The Pill... PLEASE READ.


----------



## ROCKACHAW (May 11, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback. Perhaps there was a telepathic message that my gf received after my post here yesterday. Out of the blue, I received oral last night for the first time in seven or eight months. I hate to admit this, but I told her on Sunday, "You know how I feel about our sexual situation. You know that I would like it more often and that I would like more creativity in the bedroom like in the beginning. I have informed you many times that I would like it more and a bit more kinky...like before. I do not have to keep reminding you of this...you know this, so I will not mention it and I will let you approach me for sex and see how that goes. I will let you initiate it." For the record, I do not annoy her about it and I do not beg for it everyday. I am guilty of talking about it if a few days go by and there is no action OR if she teases and does not follow through. Apparently, if I do not bring it up, I am more likely to get some. HOWEVER, yesterday, she changed to a new birth control, Tri-Nessa, and my research finds that it kills the sex drive. There have been testimonials that women have zero interest in sex. So, to all the females out there, if you are on birth control that kills your libido, what can you do to increase your drive!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ROCKACHAW said:


> So, to all the females out there, if you are on birth control that kills your libido, what can you do to increase your drive!


 I don't have the answer to that particularly, but if you don't resolve this with hormonal birth control & aren't looking to get a vasectomy any time soon & still searching for another alternative, I highly recommend the NON-hormonal Paragard IUD (once inserted, lasts up to 12 yrs) no drugs, no mess, no pills, once in, she will never feel it or have to do anything, just forget about it. And always the option to have it removed (inserted & removed in OBGYN office) & still have children someday. I absolutely LOVE my IUD ! 

http://www.paragard.com/home.php


----------



## Luvmybabe (Mar 6, 2010)

Yes IUD are now a great choice for women, it did take me about 8 months to get all those hormones to get out of my body from BC and it was like a roller coaster but now I feel SO much better. Now my drive is up there


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

While I am writing this for a male poster - you could reverse the genders and I would mostly be saying the same things. 

There are three very big factors at work in the male/female sexual dynamic. All 3 of these are potentially lethal to your sex life. 
- Her mindset regarding sex. Ideally this is that sex is a way to show and be shown a unique form of love that is exclusive to your relationship. And that sometimes you have sex when you don't feel like it - simply to show your partner love. And that part of how that works is you teach your partner how to make sex nice for you - when you are not in the mood. 

For instance - maybe there needs to be "pre foreplay" in those situations. Non sexual touching/massage/whatever. Thing is - if you are with someone who will not let you arouse them - when they start out non-aroused - eventually you will be mostly celibate. The BEST thing about my wife is that she has taught me how to get her warmed up - from a cold start. 

- Her actual libido and her level of self awareness about it. For instance - plenty of women eat poorly, don't exercise, are on the pill or AD meds and the result is a loss of libido AND a loss of that loving feeling for their partners. These women make bad partners. They are not disciplined enough to do what is needed for them to have the potential for a happy life. 

A self aware woman - who has lost her drive - would focus on the factors that effect libido and try to fix the problem. For instance she might go off the pill and see what happens. If not exercising - she might start - etc. 

- Your approach to this is key. First things first. Anger - the easiest and most common reaction is the worst way to respond by far. I say this from painful personal experience. 

That said - do not let any woman ever demonize you for having a sex drive. Ever. That said - I think the best phrasing I have come across on this topic goes something like this:

A primary way I experience love is through touch and sex. That means I am not emotionally compatible with someone who views touch/including sex as a "want" but not a "need"'. 

For a partner who "gets it", when they hear their SO say "baby I NEED you", they hear "I need you to say I love you in that special physical way that I ONLY experience" with you. 

For a partner who doesn't get it they hear "I am horny - who cares how you feel - lets fuuk" and they not only say "no" they tend to do it in a way that implies the requestor is a pig. And they tend to experience guilt as anger. So instead of saying "I am sorry that I am not being a loving partner" they attack you. 

On top of all this - your day to day behavior is a big big deal. My wife wants a certain amount of "closeness" to me. I cannot quantify it - what I can do is tell you that I have a good sense of that closeness/distance is. And I stay a half ratchet further back than that ideal distance. This does NOT mean not listening to her/paying attention to her. It does not mean being lazy around the house. It means that in expressing love - words/deeds/touch - I slightly "under do" it. 

When she wants to get that undiluted look of adoration - she has two ways of doing it: coming up and radiating that and saying it - and then I say it back. Or taking me to bed - since the after effect of THAT is a super close emotional connection. 

This is the opposite of "nice guy" syndrome. I call it "low affect" guy. And it typically works like catnip.

This has worked well for me for 21 years. And someone even wrote a book about this approach - "mating in captivity"





ROCKACHAW said:


> My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly three years. During the first year, the sex was great. It was creative, fairly frequent, and she was as eager to "get it on" as I was. The last two years, that enthusiasm has declined. We do have sex, but not as often and certainly not as imaginative. I have taken several different approaches to discuss this with her and her immediate response is defensive as if I am offending her somehow. I have taken the psychological approach, the supportive approach, the concerned approach, and I must admit, the angry approach. I have a degree in psychology which totally backfires because she thinks that I over analyze situations and does not like to be spoken to like a counselor (though I got a degree in Pscyh I did not take a career in the field). She has told me that I more likely to "get it" if I do not ask for it. However, if I do not ask, ten days go by with nothing! When I say that the first year was creative, I mean it was not the same old position, same old place (in the bed), it was more random. It was also a bit naughty meaning I received oral and loved giving her oral, there was anal a couple of times, and there was even some toys involved. This last year, that has all ceased. I can understand a female having some hangups on some things and I am fine with that but if she enjoyed that stuff before then why not now? She does not even want me to touch her down there with my hand. During one conversation, she said it may be her birth control but she has been on same bc since we met. During a different conversation, I mentioned how things were during the first year and her response was that was when things were new and "all relationships are more active in the beginning". I, of course, took offense to that and felt that it made no sense. I try to relay to her that I just want to figure out what is going one and make efforts to resolve the problem, but it is so hard to talk to her about it. We have talked about marriage a lot lately and we do really love each other. Everything else is great in our relationship. Recently, when I was sexually frustrated, we were talking about marriage and I made a rude comment that I really was not looking forward to spending the rest of my life with someone who has such a low libido. I got chewed out for that, and I know it was not a good thing to say but it was honest. I read articles about men that cheat and often times it is because the lack of sex at home and if a man is satisfied in his bedroom at home then he will not look to hop in another woman's bed. I would hate to be married and be so deprived sexually that I became interested in having an affair. Does anyone have any advice about what do do here? Getting her to admit that her sex drive is low is important and she has somewhat admitted that but she is not one to admit she does things wrong. I also do not want her to think that sex is the most important thing in our relationship but at the same time that a healthy sex life is somewhat important. HELP!


----------



## liska (Apr 2, 2015)

ROCKACHAW said:


> She has told me that I more likely to "get it" if I do not ask for it.



I had a period of time with my husband before, when he would keep bringing up the sex talk often. It NEVER worked!! The only thing he managed with that was that I felt like if in his eyes I was not a worthy wife...and felt not good enough, not loved enough - and what impact did that have on our relationship? Lost of trust and intimacy and creating a distance between each other. If a woman doent feel good enough in her man's eyes, she gets insecure around him and thats the opposite feeling you need for being intimate with someone. SO... If you want your wife/girlfirend to be and to want to be intimate with you, she needs to feel secure, loved and exceptional for you. That makes their relationship strong, and makes her confident around you and to want to share some of her "qualities" with you.

There is difference between asking for sex, and creating the atmosphere or opening the situation for having sex (or not....) - which can resolve in both, your or her initiation. 

So, simple advice:
number one: Create a loving home for your partner, so she feels important, beautiful and loved

number two: do not talk or ask for sex, rather create a situation that invites to have sex, but with no expactation

number three: sometimes sharing just and intimate moment is enough and always better not to think about what will/has to happen next...open ended moments are much more "attractive" and spontatenous and .... when woman is not pressured into sex, she is more likely to want it and initiate it herself

number four (THE KEY): What does your wife/girlfriend like? What does turn her on? Find it, do it,...and dont wait for results! Not that one moment! not for a week! not at all...no expactation, no pressure. Do it because you love her and you want to make her happy! When men focuses on making a woman happy and not expecting anything back, he will soon get much more than he would think... If you do it for long enough, you will be suprised how much it will change your relationship... For me it is simple and there is so many things that turn me on....
for example: 
- I love when he is freshly shaved and showered..he comes nothing expecting, just interested in how I am... and hugs me, so fresh and with smooth cheeks..who would resist him?
- I love when men smell nice!! my husband always use a cologne. But there are days when he puts a special effort to smell and look nice, fresh clothes, freshly showered and a cologne... the time stops...
- Heart to heart conversation, slow, quiet, not stressing about responsibilities and life around... it turned me on when we started dating and it still does now. How many couples just lead a busy life style and dont have time to just sit down, have a chilling time with a glass of wine,...starting slow, eye connection, open talk, then just with a simple tuches of hands...just creating an atmosphere, living the moment that is just about the two of you...what comes next does not need to be slow or chilling...
- Comforting - you do not give lectures, or advice what to do...just simply being there for her, listnening to her, supporting, loving...
- Romantic gestures - when he initiates a romantic date for us, take me for dinner, prepare a dinner,.... or simple things, gift, flowers,...
- and the biggest key (at least for me) - when he does something for me just because he loves me, to make me happy, not expecting anything back - even if it is just cleaning a kitchen, after we had guests and I had to run somewhere afterwards...when I get home and kitchen is clean, just so he could help me... - who wouldnt feel up for sex after that?
- or a bath? We both love baths, the tricky thing is, that if you are going to have bath you both know that sex is expected. Women not always like that expactations and pressure and prefer the way:"if it happens"... so if learnt having bath without having sex then if it happens, it is much more worth it! If you ask your partner to have a bath, she might say no just because the only reason you ask is to have a sex, but if you want to only share an intimate moment and just to have a bath together, she is more likely to feel relaxed and want to do it. And then you can have baths sometimes with sex, and sometimes just baths - just to be together... and lets be honest, when you are in bathtub and gently rubbing her back... relaxed and intimate atmosphere, what are the chances that you wont have sex?
- and of course...*****the star winning technique**** when we are in bed, going to sleep and just talking for a bit, or not talking, and he is just softly patting me on my hand, or shoulder, or back...very slowly and gently, when he does it for a while I feel relaxed, comfortable. then moves to my tummy, sides, hips, or neck and just gently... and slowly moving around the parts that starts to turn me on.. not talking about it or planning, just feeling it and living the moment creates the desire in my head to do more, get more, for him to touch me... by the time he gets to "the main parts" we are both already so aroused that what comes next is nothing near the traditional...

The thing is...everybody is different and everybody has various things that turns them on... things that turns us on are at the same time the things that makes us happy. And why would you not want to make our partner happy more often? If you love someone, you want them to be happy... and if you do it selfless and for a longer time, it can make miracles in relationship. It is always hard to start ourselves and not expecting anything back, but it always works. Needs time.. but the reward after it is worth it. 

So, just create a loving atmosphere, no talking or pressuring and give her a chance to be initiative.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Hormonal birth control may be the cause, but you also said that sex dropped off after a year. After one to two years, the initial hormonal rush of falling in love wears off, and if not for the birth control, this would now be her baseline libido that you're seeing.

Can she switch to an IUD (some use hormones, though, so pick one without)? If that does not correct the problem in a reasonable time, then the new libido IS her actual baseline, and you will have to decide what to do if it is. IMO, if you're still unhappy, break up and move on - it's better than facing a life of limited and resentful sex.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Don't worry guys, the OP won't be coming back. Call it a hunch.


----------



## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

Run for the hills!!!!! Period! Get out while you have the chance.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

The new advice is good, even if the post is five years old.


----------

