# Bait and sexual switch...



## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

*My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate. My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time. I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us. I want to see a sex therapist but he is the one with health insurance, not me. He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out. *


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

"My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate.

My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time.

I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us.

I want to see a sex therapist but he is the one with health insurance, not me. He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out."



What is OS and OH?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Personal said:


> "My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate.
> 
> My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time.
> 
> ...


Oral sex and open heart.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Oral sex and open heart.


Thanks.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LaurieK said:


> *My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate. My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time. I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us. I want to see a sex therapist but he is the one with health insurance, not me. He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out. *


Howdy Laurie and thanks for showing up to chat with us crazy folks at Talk About Marriage. Unfortunately your not in an unusual situation. You got yourself a bunch of texting lip service but your not actually getting any “lip service”. That is really unfortunate. Here is what I would do if I were you. I would have that difficult talk with him. If you do not then he will just remain a lazy lover forever. ED is not the end of sex or pleasure.... not by a long shot. I know it will be a chop to his ego but the current situation isn’t fair to you and it should be addressed.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

LaurieK said:


> *My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate. My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time. I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us. I want to see a sex therapist but he is the one with health insurance, not me. He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out. *


I don't know if he'll ever change. Sounds like he a resigned himself to no sex life other than masturbation. It sounds like he is using you as a masturbation tool. The sexting provided material for it, he probably fantasizes about porn when you are performing oral sex. I doubt there is any chance he would ever actually be a decent lover if he did fix his ED. He is not the one.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LaurieK said:


> My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time.


Whether you settle for less and accept this going forward or let him go. Given what you have shared it It is highly likely, that if you want better than this or more going forward, you will have to seek it with another or others elsewhere.



> I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us.


The question you need to answer for yourself, is how long are you willing to beat the dead horse?



> He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot.


That hopefully will be the case. If you are prepared to persevere and wait, then given some time you will find out either way. Though given his refusal and all the rest, waiting will probably be met with disappointment.



> I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out.


Ignoring it won't help either, so I guess all you have is to tell him honestly, very directly and express your compassion for his situation as well. That said given his "refusal to please" you may be barking up the wrong tree.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's your boyfriend not your husband. Why waste time struggling like this in a relationship that you could simply walk away from? Let's face it your relationship was probably better when you were just chatting with each other and before it got real. So you can move completely out from him and still be friends if you want to although I'd be damned if I would support his sexual shenanigans via text. 

You are not married. you can leave and go back where you came from or you can stay there and build a new life or go anywhere else in the world.


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Howdy Laurie and thanks for showing up to chat with us crazy folks at Talk About Marriage. Unfortunately your not in an unusual situation. You got yourself a bunch of texting lip service but your not actually getting any “lip service”. That is really unfortunate. Here is what I would do if I were you. I would have that difficult talk with him. If you do not then he will just remain a lazy lover forever. ED is not the end of sex or pleasure.... not by a long shot. I know it will be a chop to his ego but the current situation isn’t fair to you and it should be addressed.


I’m definitely willing to talk, not sure it’s laziness, feels more like he’s not confident. I just haven’t figured out how to say what is on my mind as kindly as I can. I want to do it when he is as receptive as possible. Actually I’d like to do it with the help of a sex therapist. As for “lip service” lol he was honest about not liking it from the beginning, however, I’m going to need him to participate in other ways then. I mean I had a paraplegic patient that had a sex life with his gf (whom I worked with) so anything is possible. Thanks for the input.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Am I missing something? There are a lot of things you can do for ED, has he been to a doctor? He should probably knock off the porn so he can get his focus.


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I don't know if he'll ever change. Sounds like he a resigned himself to no sex life other than masturbation. It sounds like he is using you as a masturbation tool. The sexting provided material for it, he probably fantasizes about porn when you are performing oral sex. I doubt there is any chance he would ever actually be a decent lover if he did fix his ED. He is not the one.


As a man I believe you have some insight to this situation. I’m no sex machine but at least I’m willing to learn new things. It seems extreme to ask me to live with him just as a masturbatory tool. However, if that is the case I couldn’t stay with him.


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Am I missing something? There are a lot of things you can do for ED, has he been to a doctor? He should probably knock off the porn so he can get his focus.


He just had open heart surgery so ED medication is off the table, at least for now. I’m okay with porn to spice things up once in a while, but true, it’s a crutch at this point.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

LaurieK said:


> He just had open heart surgery so ED medication is off the table, at least for now. I’m okay with it to spice things up once in a while, but true, it’s a crutch at this point.


You can spice things up without porn, just grab a camera...


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's your boyfriend not your husband. Why waste time struggling like this in a relationship that you could simply walk away from? Let's face it your relationship was probably better when you were just chatting with each other and before it got real. So you can move completely out from him and still be friends if you want to although I'd be damned if I would support his sexual shenanigans via text.
> 
> You are not married. you can leave and go back where you came from or you can stay there and build a new life or go anywhere else in the world.


If he refuses sex therapy I’m going back down south. I‘m originally from up north but would go back to the southeast as the life is slower, more peaceful, and way cheaper.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I don't know how old the two of you are, but if you dated him 35 years ago, are you over 60?

I dunno... As you get older you are going to likely realize that there aren't going to be super studs under every rock at this stage....i'm entering mid 50's and while I have never had issues, most of my buddies state they do, and if this guy has had heart issues and open heart surgery, is on meds, etc, the main issue him and his doctor are going to be concerned with is keeping him alive, not necessarily making sure he can pitch a tent...In many cases, sex isn't even safe for some of these guys....

I know you said you would be ok with the ED if he could do other things to please you...For a lot of men, that's not good enough....I know I would probably give up on sex if I had an ED problem, it's an ego killer for sure, IME anyway...

Anyway, it's in your court, I suppose.. Play him or trade him...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LaurieK said:


> He just had open heart surgery so ED medication is off the table, at least for now. I’m okay with porn to spice things up once in a while, but true, it’s a crutch at this point.


I think there's a side to "porn" that many don't get. It's not just a personal thing, an addiction to get off on. Sometimes it can be a way to not deal with the real problems at hand. A distraction. In which case the question becomes, why doesn't he want to deal with the issue?


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I don't know how old the two of you are, but if you dated him 35 years ago, are you over 60?
> 
> I dunno... As you get older you are going to likely realize that there aren't going to be super studs under every rock at this stage....i'm entering mid 50's and while I have never had issues, most of my buddies state they do, and if this guy has had heart issues and open heart surgery, is on meds, etc, the main issue him and his doctor are going to be concerned with is keeping him alive, not necessarily making sure he can pitch a tent...In many cases, sex isn't even safe for some of these guys....
> 
> ...


Lol, pitching a tent... I’m 59 and he is 65. It is about keeping him alive and giving him the best possible quality of life. The doc says he will do much better after the surgery, but he’s gotta exercise and eat right. He
did ask about sex after surgery so I know the desire is there. A frank and compassionate discussion is in his future about this sex conundrum.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LaurieK said:


> If he refuses sex therapy I’m going back down south. I‘m originally from up north but would go back to the southeast as the life is slower, more peaceful, and way cheaper.


Who would purposefully move to northern state when already living in the warm and sunny Southeast?

LOL


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

LaurieK said:


> ’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological.


Psychological impairment usually is a result of the physical impairment. His anger and hurt at discussing it is understandable. He feels like less of a man than he should be.

Turning to porn is a common response.

Concentrate on the root cause. Find medical help. That's not going to be easy..... but if you unimpair his penis, the psychological aspects of this will likely disappear.



LaurieK said:


> A frank and compassionate discussion is in his future about this sex conundrum.


This is the only way to get results. There are some ultrasonic treatments appearing in these latter days which claim ability to unblock the small arteries which feed the penis. The effectiveness of these treatments seems to be only in the mouths of those who provide it.....however, this is the scenario of most all new treatment protocols.

As your husband has heart history, I'm assuming that blocked arteries to the penis are the "smoking gun".... these usually appear before heart disease demands intervention.

There are also effective prosthetic appliances.

For a time, PDE5 inhibitors should be avoided. But if he can manage to stay off nitrates going forward, they may be usable.

I had CABG 14 years ago. It was a roller-coaster ride for a while afterward, titrating medications up, down, off, on.... trying to control a rather unmanageable blood pressure and angina as a result.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Solving his ED problem will not solve his selfishness. Using you as an unpaid prostitute and acting hurt because you want to talk about it is manipulation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

LaurieK said:


> If he refuses sex therapy I’m going back down south. I‘m originally from up north but would go back to the southeast as the life is slower, more peaceful, and way cheaper.


Way cheaper. You should just get back to your life. What he has to offer you can do over the internet.


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

TJW said:


> Psychological impairment usually is a result of the physical impairment. His anger and hurt at discussing it is understandable. He feels like less of a man than he should be.
> 
> Turning to porn is a common response.
> 
> ...


My SO doesn’t get angry but when we even brush the subject, which I do very gently, I see shame and hurt on his face. He is very kind in other ways which is why I am so willing to try harder. I also am very attracted to him. The surgery was Monday to replace his thoracic aorta, no valve repair needed thankfully. They checked his arteries from the wrist going to his heart, all clear. I wish they could have checked all of his arteries going into the lower extremities as well. I’m his gf and he brought his son to the visit (wants him involved but the kid is a complete flake). I would have asked so many more questions. He was a heavy 3 pack a day smoker up until a week before surgery. I know that constricts the blood flow. He takes no heart medication at this point just a combination long acting in hailer for emphysema (yes stubborn as a mule!) along with a cholesterol medication. You are right, this ED needs a complete work up by a specialist in it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LaurieK said:


> If he refuses sex therapy I’m going back down south. I‘m originally from up north but would go back to the southeast as the life is slower, more peaceful, and way cheaper.


I’m in Texas and have to agree with you. I used to live in The Woodlands, Texas and you should check it out if you move.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'm going to play devil's advocate here....

Some women are difficult to please and some don't want to be pleased. It is possible that your BF's former partners always faked it and also conditioned him to not even try. A good friend of mine complains to no end about her husband as she can not tolerate being touched in sensitive areas, so she pushes him away and just focuses on his needs to get it over with as quickly as possible. 

In my opinion it will not be easy to overcome that with someone his age, if that is the style of lovemaking he has experienced in the past. You may need to help him and guide him as to how you want to be touched. Perhaps you want to go shopping for some novelties that lend themselves to couple's play. Odds are there is are novelties that will work for him with ED in a similar manner that may also work for you.

There are also tantric styles of lovemaking that discuss the topic of "soft entry" along with slow and gentle movements. I imagine you may be able to combine this will a novelty (like a vibrating ring that he slides on and wears at the base of his penis) that helps do all the work, it may be possible to expand on some possibilities. 

I remember a comment from someone long ago that discussed the nature of using novelties as a couple. She stressed that it was important to self explore with them first. This is because the sensations may be unusual at first and that it takes a few attempts to understand how to make it successful each time. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

Do I am unclear on some of your message, perhaps because I am flaberghasted. So:

He will initiate from you OS-so he gets you to give him a blowjob?

He will not go down on you or get you to orgasm? 

Given his long history of smoking there is likely clogging down there and the prospects of him ever being fully functional in the bedroom seem unlikely.

When he uses porn and or you give him oral is he hard enough to penetrate you? 

Are either of you willing to use a vibrator on you? It can be fun for both... 

You did not mention that he is a great emotional support, helpful around the house...good provider. What do you get out of this relationship now and in the future? Do you feel that you don't have many other relationship options. FWIW, I would imagine finding a man with ED and other health problems but, would be MORE than willing to please you would be pretty easy to find. 

If you don't see it this way then perhaps there are some esteem issues you need to work on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LaurieK said:


> He just had open heart surgery so ED medication is off the table, at least for now. I’m okay with porn to spice things up once in a while, but true, it’s a crutch at this point.


Yikes!

Usually, that surgery does make one healthier in the short term, let's hope he gets better and can take ED medicine.

If not.....

The last resort for men is a surgically implanted penis pump.
Everything mechanical is under-cover, under-skin, and out of sight.

??

The reviews seem positive for this?
Dunno.


Total cost is less than 20K, except in a major hospital, then the costs double.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I'm going to play devil's advocate here....
> 
> Some women are difficult to please and some don't want to be pleased. It is possible that your BF's former partners always faked it and also conditioned him to not even try. A good friend of mine complains to no end about her husband as she can not tolerate being touched in sensitive areas, so she pushes him away and just focuses on his needs to get it over with as quickly as possible.
> 
> ...


It looks like you missed this part:


LaurieK said:


> I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us


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## LaurieK (Mar 3, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like you missed this part:


‘Just saw your post. You are 100% right, the last gf would belittle him about it. He was with her for 2 years before breaking it off. Then we reconnected after 35 years. I have been reading “Bad Girls Bible” since we first talked about getting together 16 months ago (living together 9). His ED comes and goes so I feel there is still possibilities without surgery. An erection actually isn’t a deal breaker for me. I really wanted to be open and explore for the both of us. Lol, oh yes, I’ve got an overnight bag full of goodies, but I need some specifically for him. I have also read about “soft entry” as you suggested. It provides a lot of pleasure and intimate touch before, during, and after climax which is really what I’m craving most. The last woman did a lot of emotional damage as did his divorce (infidelity). Either way, they are them and we are us. I personally don’t care how I get my orgasm, as long as I do with the man I love being involved. It will be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss but it will happen. I just need to find the words. I don’t want to break his heart as it’s been in the past. What can I say, I find him incredibly attractive lol.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

LaurieK said:


> ‘Just saw your post. You are 100% right, the last gf would belittle him about it. He was with her for 2 years before breaking it off. Then we reconnected after 35 years. I have been reading “Bad Girls Bible” since we first talked about getting together 16 months ago (living together 9). His ED comes and goes so I feel there is still possibilities without surgery. An erection actually isn’t a deal breaker for me. I really wanted to be open and explore for the both of us. Lol, oh yes, I’ve got an overnight bag full of goodies, but I need some specifically for him. I have also read about “soft entry” as you suggested. It provides a lot of pleasure and intimate touch before, during, and after climax which is really what I’m craving most. The last woman did a lot of emotional damage as did his divorce (infidelity). Either way, they are them and we are us. I personally don’t care how I get my orgasm, as long as I do with the man I love being involved. It will be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss but it will happen. I just need to find the words. I don’t want to break his heart as it’s been in the past. What can I say, I find him incredibly attractive lol.


Your awesome... if you can’t fix that guy then no girl can.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Porn use can often cause ED in normal sex. The first thing he needs to do is stop the porn.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

LaurieK said:


> *My bf I now live with has ED. He didn’t tell me this until after I had left a good job and moved 750 miles back to where we live now. We dated briefly 35 years ago, and I still find him very attractive. I don’t mind working around his ED as he still gets much pleasure from OS. I also believe he uses porn as a crutch. I don’t mind it, some I can enjoy with him, but I don’t like feeling like I’m being used as a surrogate. My biggest issue is he does absolutely nothing for me! We’ve had 1 failed attempt in 8 months. It’s difficult to talk about with him as I see so much hurt cross his face. He refuses to please me in other ways, and I can tell he really doesn’t know what to do from the one time. I’m no expert, so WTH, we can learn together. I read about a lot of things to try, I always tell him how sexy he is and grab his butt. I flirt and talk sexy but it goes nowhere. He initiates OS from me only at night in the bedroom. The crazy thing is before I moved up here we sexted like crazy. I know he is full of passion I just can’t get him to try all of the fun stuff I bought for us. I want to see a sex therapist but he is the one with health insurance, not me. He just had OH surgery so I’m hoping the improved circulation will help a lot. I do think, however, some of this is psychological. Usually, I’m great at communicating, but I’m just not sure how to tell my man how I feel without tearing his heart out. *


No relationship that starts on lies will last. It's just not a good foundation. Especially something as important as this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At least he got you to help him through his OH surgery. So far, this relationship has been all about him at your expense. 

A kind man would not have deceived you and let you uproot your life solely for his benefit.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LaurieK said:


> I have also read about “soft entry” as you suggested. It provides a lot of pleasure and intimate touch before, during, and after climax which is really what I’m craving most. The last woman did a lot of emotional damage as did his divorce (infidelity). Either way, they are them and we are us. I personally don’t care how I get my orgasm, as long as I do with the man I love being involved. It will be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss but it will happen. I just need to find the words.


What is important is to be sure you are very clear about your intentions. You obviously want to get closer to him. You need to do that with an understanding that those before you hurt him. Getting close will likely involve you sharing and experiencing that anxiety in ways that may be unpleasant and will require a great deal of patience. 

At the end of the day love heals, just hold onto your intentions. 

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LaurieK said:


> *My SO doesn’t get angry but when we even brush the subject, which I do very gently, I see shame and hurt on his face. He is very kind in other ways which is why I am so willing to try harder. I also am very attracted to him. *
> 
> ...... He was a heavy *3 pack a day smoker* up until a week before surgery. I know that constricts the blood flow. He takes no heart medication at this point just a combination long acting in hailer for emphysema (yes stubborn as a mule!) along with a *cholesterol medication. You are right, this ED needs a complete work up by a specialist in it.*





LaurieK said:


> ‘Just saw your post. You are 100% right, the* last gf would belittle him about it. He was with her for 2 years *before breaking it off. Then we reconnected after 35 years. I have been reading “Bad Girls Bible” since we first talked about getting together 16 months ago (living together 9). *His ED comes and goes* so I feel there is still possibilities without surgery. An erection actually isn’t a deal breaker for me. I really wanted to be open and explore for the both of us. Lol, oh yes,* I’ve got an overnight bag full of goodies, but I need some specifically for him.* I have also read about “soft entry” as you suggested. It provides a lot of pleasure and intimate touch before, during, and after climax which is really what I’m craving most. The *last woman did a lot of emotional damage as did his divorce (infidelity).* Either way, they are them and we are us. I personally don’t care how I get my orgasm, as long as I do with the man I love being involved. It will be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss but it will happen. I just need to find the words. I don’t want to break his heart as it’s been in the past. What can I say, I find him incredibly attractive lol.


First of all I want to complement you on your bravery and your commitment to this man. Your love for him is profound.

He really needs to take better care of his health. Hopefully the open heart surgery was a wake up call that he needs to stop smoking, get his cholesterol in check, and exercise more. Hopefully, you can help him with these things, by exercising (walking, dancing, bicycling, hiking, tennis, golfing, with him, depending on his desires. Maybe take some low cholesterol cooking classes together and do joint healthy meal planning. You should not try to force him to do things, but be there as his change partner to support his changes. If he is resists, maybe ask him to talk to a counselor, one that does hyponisis or self-hypnosis to help him make mental changes to he will have a better lifestyle.

Speaking of counseling, I think that the two of you would do well to go to a marriage counselor who has experience in dealing with ED and sexual abuse. His ex sexually abused him emotionally. He sounds like damaged goods and really needs to heal from that relationship. I would wager that you have helped in that healing process with your love and being there for him. He still has a long way to go and probably needs some real professional help.

Obviously, post surgery ED medical advice will be good. Try to go with him to the appointment, as this is something that is important to both of you.

Now as to ED. Where to start. Things to talk about with him and/or his doctor. There are the standard pills to help ED. Viagra is a known medicine as are its side-effects. There is also something called Tri-mix, which one famous doctor described as being able to raise the dead. The down side to that is that it required injection with a very small hypodermic needle, that some freak out over. There is also a new treatment out that uses sound waves to break up build-up in arteries of the penis. 

Checking his testosterone levels is also a good idea. (If you read the studies that indicate men taking testosterone have a higher chance of heart attack, you will note that the "men" who had heart problem were incredibly frail (i.e couldn't walk a block or walk up a flight of stairs, kind of shape). Once they got on the T supplement they felt much stronger and probably did way too much causing the heart attacks.

As to "toys for him" A few suggestions, There are penis pumps that the ED doctor could prescribe. After it is pumped up, you can slip a penis ring over his blood inflated penis, to trap the erection. Also a penis ring by itself can do wonders. If none of that works, you could try a penis sleeve that slips over the penis (think of a very thick and rigid condom that attaches to the scrotum). Finally, there are strap-on dildos, that he could use on you. So if he is willing, there are lots of options. You might even turn the options into a bedroom game with him.

Remember you can't force him to change. You can however, support any change he does choose to make and discuss potential changes with him.

Good luck.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

LaurieK said:


> ‘Just saw your post. You are 100% right, the last gf would belittle him about it. He was with her for 2 years before breaking it off. Then we reconnected after 35 years. I have been reading “Bad Girls Bible” since we first talked about getting together 16 months ago (living together 9). His ED comes and goes so I feel there is still possibilities without surgery. An erection actually isn’t a deal breaker for me. I really wanted to be open and explore for the both of us. Lol, oh yes, I’ve got an overnight bag full of goodies, but I need some specifically for him. I have also read about “soft entry” as you suggested. It provides a lot of pleasure and intimate touch before, during, and after climax which is really what I’m craving most. The last woman did a lot of emotional damage as did his divorce (infidelity). Either way, they are them and we are us. I personally don’t care how I get my orgasm, as long as I do with the man I love being involved. It will be incredibly uncomfortable to discuss but it will happen. I just need to find the words. I don’t want to break his heart as it’s been in the past. What can I say, I find him incredibly attractive lol.



Do you think you might be attracted to men that you have to fix?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My bf had open heart surgery last summer. We didn't have sex for a few weeks because he was in pain and didn't move very well.

After 3 weeks he was ready but his chest hurt...no problem, I let him lay on his back until he felt well enough to move around more. Which he did after a few more weeks. 

Open heart surgery doesn't necessarily interfere much by itself.

If your guy won't make any more effort you'll have to decide what you want to live with.


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## Cooking4fun (Apr 9, 2017)

You may know this but keep in mind the psychological recovery post surgery. The body recovers and sometimes the mind takes a while longer. The surgery that he had sounds pretty complicated and probably required a long time under anesthesia. Takes a while to blow off the “pump head”.


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