# Is This Infidelity?



## neomastino (Jun 24, 2021)

My wife and I have been married 21 years in what I believe (and still do) is a happy and strong marriage. When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships that were of a physical nature (we both had 5 or fewer partners before we got together). I summarily trashed all old photos and I thought she did as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my 15 year old daughter was going through photo albums and stumbled upon an album chock full of photos of her and her ex boyfriend. This is the guy that represented the most serious relationship prior to me and it was darn near a coin flip which one of us she would end up with. In private I asked her about this album and my wife stated that her mother brought her a bunch of albums and she would throw away the photos, and i saw in the trash some of the pictures (what i didn't do was count the photos) and i thought all was well. Unfortunately, last night I was looking for some something in the same dresser that held the photo albums and came upon the vast majority of pictures that i thought were thrown out. 
this seems so stupid because I am 99.99% confident she has not cheated on me, but at the same time I feel like she has been.... I guess my question is am i being a baby and letting this bother me as much as it is? is this cheating... I feel stupid for posting this...

thank you


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## it.was.an.ea (Jun 21, 2021)

I'm not sure I can make the jump to calling it cheating. Is it clear that she intentionally kept some photos while throwing others out or is this possibly just an honest mistake on her part?

I'd just calmly bring it up with her and try to read her response. If she is apologetic, seems to understand your concern, then voluntarily throws them out without any further nudging, I'd probably just let it go.

If there is any gaslighting or resistance, then I'd probably go into stealth mode and start going through phone bills and social media.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She kept the vast majority of the photos. This is no mistake. She purposely kept photos of this guy after making you throw out all of the ones you had. She lied about throwing them out. 

I would toss all of them in front of her and ask WTF is up. Sounds like she still has feelings for this other guy. 

The question then becomes this, did the other guy not choose her so she chose you?

Did she choose you over him wanting her still?

Maybe he wasn’t ready to settle down.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yes ... your being a baby.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

One thing you do know is she was not willing to let this guy go. As others have said, I'd go into stealth mode and see what I could find. Is she friends with this guy (or other exes) on social media.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

A baby for being pissed about being lied to?

So guys aren’t supposed to care about being lie to. Nice to know.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s probably not cheating but she is a hypocrite and a lying hypocrite at that. 
You should point this out to her. A few times.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Take the photos and YOU throw them out on garbage night (so she can't go pull them from the garbage).
Then see if she says anything -- which would be interesting because she'd HAVE to then admit that she lied to you about them.
This isn't cheating, but it sure as hell isn't something a good partner would do....


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

here is the main problem she was the one who made that rule not you and for her to keep those pictures makes her a hypocrite at the very least...i would take those pictures and hide them and when she ask if you saw them tell her that you throw them away with the other pictures and see what she says...if she makes a stink ask her if she is trying to hide something then.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's not cheating but it is lying when she said she would throw them out and didn't. Ask her why she lied and why she kept them.


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Don't play games. Show her the pictures and ask her why she refused to throw them out, especially in light of the fact that it was her idea to throw out all such pictures. After her explanation, take her to the backyard, grab a large fireproof receptacle and have her burn them in front of you. If she refuses or gives you any ****, you may have a problem. Good luck.


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## Deacon0319 (Mar 4, 2019)

It's not cheating but she lied to you. You should be upset. I know I would be. If you haven't seen any of the common red flags of infidelity and if this is the only alarming thing in your otherwise happy marriage then straight up talking to her about it is the best option.
Ask her why she lied and why this particular guys pictures should be exempt from you agreement.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you considered making a big display of it?

Perhaps put them on a wooden tray hanging a couple feet above a fire by a cord and then get a pair of overly large scissors and place them on the cord such that one snip and they’re lost to the ages? At that point text her to come outside and let her take it in and see what she does.

If she recreates Metallica “Jump in the Fire” then you know you have an issue.

📸🙋‍♂️✂🔥🔥🔥🔥


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

neomastino said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years in what I believe (and still do) is a happy and strong marriage. When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships that were of a physical nature (we both had 5 or fewer partners before we got together). I summarily trashed all old photos and I thought she did as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my 15 year old daughter was going through photo albums and stumbled upon an album chock full of photos of her and her ex boyfriend. This is the guy that represented the most serious relationship prior to me and it was darn near a coin flip which one of us she would end up with. In private I asked her about this album and my wife stated that her mother brought her a bunch of albums and she would throw away the photos, and i saw in the trash some of the pictures (what i didn't do was count the photos) and i thought all was well. Unfortunately, last night I was looking for some something in the same dresser that held the photo albums and came upon the vast majority of pictures that i thought were thrown out.
> this seems so stupid because I am 99.99% confident she has not cheated on me, but at the same time I feel like she has been.... I guess my question is am i being a baby and letting this bother me as much as it is? is this cheating... I feel stupid for posting this...
> 
> thank you


I suffer to some degree from retroactive jealousy and this would be a huge trigger for me. I personally wouldn't be concerned with cheating, but it would really bother me. My wife threw her prom dress away because it bothered me (she was engaged to her prom date prior to us meeting). I know she saw it as a memento of high school, not of her relationship with her ex. I explained to her that when I saw it all I could imagine was him taking it off of her after the prom and screwing her. She loved me enough to toss it. BTW, we've been married 31 years and I think it less than 5 years ago that she got rid of it. 

If it were me, I would take all the photos to her and ask why she still has them? I would then ask her to shred them in front of me. I know that probably sounds childish to some, but that's me. There is no reason to be reminiscing about a past lover, like they are the good ole days. To me that diminishing your relationship.


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

I don't think its infidelity or cheating but that's just my opinion. Some people think that looking at a photo of someone naked is infidelity and other people think an open marriage and sex with someone else is not infidelity. 

What I think the OP needs to do is sit down with the wife and talk about it. Open and honest communication in marriage is very important. Our minds take us to the worst possible scenario pretty quick. A photo or photos of someone from the past doesn't mean she is cheating or wants to. Is it wrong for someone to have good memories of their past? I guess that's up to each spouse to decide.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You could always frame some of them up as a collage and gift it to her. Wrap it up and leave on the kitchen counter with a note that says something like I knew these were important to you.

Leave the house before she gets home and get a couple beers with your friends. Be sure to turn your phone off.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

No, it's not cheating. It is definitely lying though. And it's especially egregious considering that it was SHE who insisted you both get rid of all old photos. She can learn to live by her own ethics, and there is nothing babyish about expecting that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t agree with playing games here. It’s not cheating but it would be a really big deal for me.

At the beginning of your marriage she set some rules, for you. And for you only.

I do know of a marriage where this happened in a different way. The husband demanded that she stopped contact with all male friends, wife was happy to do that. He spent most of the marriage then having plenty of female friends.

It was her giving you demands.

I can completely understand your anger.

Let her keep her album.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think it's cheating. Cheating involves more then one person. Presumably the ex knows nothing about this. It's a breach of trust at least at this point. You have to decide how you feel and what you want to do about it. I wouldn't let it go.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> I don’t agree with playing games here. It’s not cheating but it would be a really big deal for me.
> 
> At the beginning of your marriage she set some rules, for you. And for you only.
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to make any excuses for what she did, but I don't think it is quite as cut and dry as her having rules that only apply to him and not her. It sounds like she did get rid of all her picture and may have been unaware of the albums her mother had. She may have thought she did follow the rules. Now, that said, the right thing for her to do would have been to trash the photos immediately. I would definitely want an explanation of what she was thinking when she decided to keep some after she said she would throw them away. That is lying. As I said before I would tell her she needs to shred them in front of me and there is zero excuse not too since these were the rule agreed to 21 years ago.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Considering she is lying, I would verify with the MIL that she did in fact bring the albums over.

Maybe just casually thank MIL for bringing over the relics and see what she says, if she is clueless, there is your answer.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

re16 said:


> Considering she is lying, I would verify with the MIL that she did in fact bring the albums over.
> 
> Maybe just casually thank MIL for bringing over the relics and see what she says, if she is clueless, there is your answer.


That is a great idea, trust but verify.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Deacon0319 said:


> It's not cheating but she lied to you. You should be upset. I know I would be. If you haven't seen any of the common red flags of infidelity and if this is the only alarming thing in your otherwise happy marriage then straight up talking to her about it is the best option.
> Ask her why she lied and why this particular guys pictures should be exempt from you agreement.


I respectfully disagree with your assessment it was only a lie. Little things lead to bigger things, and I can attest to that being a former BH. Lying to me is a read flag. I ask “why?”.
Why did she feel the need to lie? I would pose this question to her only after I had reviewed her emails, phone records, and Facebook friends to my own satisfaction for questionable activity.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Oh i say you missed some of those photos you we agreed to throw away so i helped you out there. See if she goes for the trash. After she digs through the garbage and says she cant find tgem, then say that was because it was last week.😁

If she gives you any crap say but oh hell no. WE made the decision to dispose of them. I would have no problem chunking them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> You could always frame some of them up as a collage and gift it to her. Wrap it up and leave on the kitchen counter with a note that says something like I knew these were important to you.
> 
> Leave the house before she gets home and get a couple beers with your friends. Be sure to turn your phone off.


Long weekend fishing with the boys.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hypocrite. Do as a say not as I do.


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

neomastino said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years in what I believe (and still do) is a happy and strong marriage. When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships that were of a physical nature (we both had 5 or fewer partners before we got together). I summarily trashed all old photos and I thought she did as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my 15 year old daughter was going through photo albums and stumbled upon an album chock full of photos of her and her ex boyfriend. This is the guy that represented the most serious relationship prior to me and it was darn near a coin flip which one of us she would end up with. In private I asked her about this album and my wife stated that her mother brought her a bunch of albums and she would throw away the photos, and i saw in the trash some of the pictures (what i didn't do was count the photos) and i thought all was well. Unfortunately, last night I was looking for some something in the same dresser that held the photo albums and came upon the vast majority of pictures that i thought were thrown out.
> this seems so stupid because I am 99.99% confident she has not cheated on me, but at the same time I feel like she has been.... I guess my question is am i being a baby and letting this bother me as much as it is? is this cheating... I feel stupid for posting this...
> 
> thank you


That is very shady of her! She is the one that insisted you both would dispose of old ex photos and she goes behind your back and keeps them? She is a can dish it but can't take it kind of woman. You aren't being a baby because if she can lie and hold a secret for so long imagine what else she can be hiding from you. You have every right to be questioning her. Yeah I don't understand that whole trusting someone 100% if you do they let you down and you end up feeling violated in the end and stupid. No one can be trusted 100%! What if you find all those photos and hide them from her? as long as she doesn't have copies then you can get the truth out of her. If she freaks out then they mean more to her than you were lead to believe.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Infidelity? That’s a bit of a leap.

She did lie though after telling you she’d toss the images. To me, that might point to something in your relationship she is unhappy with and the pictures represent an alternative to the life she has or maybe a memory of what she thinks were happier times. First things first though. I think you’re fine to tell her you found them, and you’re hurt that she kept them in spite of having told you she’d get rid of them. That would be a segue into asking about the health of your own relationship. It’s a fair question considering her actions.

Both my wife and I have the odd picture of who we went to the prom with or a turn-about date but in that respect, they’re more about times in our lives than those relationships. She has an album with a few old flame pics in them but it’s a different context and it is a few of different people not a stack.

IMO she ought to toss them out in front of you and explain why she kept them and the implications of that lie and the images.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Throw them out. If she asks, say "no, you threw them out, remember?". I'd play the game. Make her confess.


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## Deacon0319 (Mar 4, 2019)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I respectfully disagree with your assessment it was only a lie. Little things lead to bigger things, and I can attest to that being a former BH. Lying to me is a read flag. I ask “why?”.
> Why did she feel the need to lie? I would pose this question to her only after I had reviewed her emails, phone records, and Facebook friends to my own satisfaction for questionable activity.


 Fair enough. I agree with you. I should have said any OTHER red flags. Lying is definitely a big one but not enough on its own for a cheating verdict. On its own this warrants a serious talk.
.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Deacon0319 said:


> Fair enough. I agree with you. I should have said any OTHER red flags. Lying is definitely a big one but not enough on its own for a cheating verdict. On its own this warrants a serious talk.
> .


My FWW lied by omission on many occasions when I had knowledge of things she did not know I knew...busted.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Perhaps she was intimate with him after the rule was put in place or after you to got together. So in her mind that exempted him from the rule. 

there are a million things we all could come up with but there are 2 things it shows for sure & 2 things you need to ask yourself.

she is emotionally immature….
she has zero problems lying to you & does it with ease…

do you want to know the ”W’s” (who, what, where, when, why….)?
are you willing/able to deal with potential pain calmly (reasonably at least)?

From there you will be better able to define YOUR path. And at the same time create a whole lot more questions for yourself.



almost forgot to address your question…. Defining cheating sometimes seems like defining porn…. Most people can agree most of the time on what is and what isn’t, but there is also the fringes where some feel almost everything is and others feel almost nothing is. In this case, my opinion, at the very least it is a level of emotional infidelity. She made vows too you to “*forsake* all others” and her actions show she has not ”*turned away from entirely*,*all others” when it came to this guy. She reserved a special spot in her head, heart, and nightstand for him (or at least his memory). All while expecting (if not demanding) that she be the only (romantic/significant other) thought/memory in your head.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this, it would eat me up….

*forsake - definition from Merriam-Webster


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Unless there are other indications of problems in the marriage, you're way overreacting. I found some pictures of my spouse with a former LTR person, and I saved them, along with a picture of a person with whom I had a LTR. Some people just can't throw pictures away. If she still wants him, throwing the pictures away will not change anything. If you have to satisfy your curiosity, hide them in one of your places where she won't find them to see if she asks for them. She won't.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I am the type that can take any except people that say one thing and do another , if I was you they would have been in the bin and the bin on fire , but Sfort has a much better plan


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Yes ... your being a baby.


No, you are not. This is a breach of trust and a transgression of an agreed boundary and deceptive behavior.
Is it cheating - no. But it is not acceptable. I would address strongly but not emotionally.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I would be more upset and angry about her making me throw away photos from my previous relationships and the double standards that she has applied here. Why did she make you throw your photos away in the first place? Did it upset you? Did you have any attachment to those photos?

I would ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and what SHE now intends to do about the photos and the broken trust.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

neomastino said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years in what I believe (and still do) is a happy and strong marriage. When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships that were of a physical nature (we both had 5 or fewer partners before we got together). I summarily trashed all old photos and I thought she did as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my 15 year old daughter was going through photo albums and stumbled upon an album chock full of photos of her and her ex boyfriend. This is the guy that represented the most serious relationship prior to me and it was darn near a coin flip which one of us she would end up with. In private I asked her about this album and my wife stated that her mother brought her a bunch of albums and she would throw away the photos, and i saw in the trash some of the pictures (what i didn't do was count the photos) and i thought all was well. Unfortunately, last night I was looking for some something in the same dresser that held the photo albums and came upon the vast majority of pictures that i thought were thrown out.
> this seems so stupid because I am 99.99% confident she has not cheated on me, but at the same time I feel like she has been.... I guess my question is am i being a baby and letting this bother me as much as it is? is this cheating... I feel stupid for posting this...
> 
> thank you


It's not cheating in the classic sense but your wife is being kind of an A-hole. 

Her making you throw out pictures was a **** move to begin with IMHO. 

I'm not saying that people should have pictures of their prior loves hanging on the wall in their marital home of course. But making people throw them away is insecurity at best and just being a jerk. 

Our prior relationships are part of us and for better or for worse have helped shaped us into who we are today. 

Should someone keep a framed picture of their ex on their nightstand and kiss it good night every night before they go to sleep?? Of Course not. 

But some old pictures packed away in a box in a corner of the basement is just kind of a time capsule of our lives and no one really has the right to make us expunge that history from our record.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

neomastino said:


> My wife and I have been married 21 years in what I believe (and still do) is a happy and strong marriage. When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships that were of a physical nature (we both had 5 or fewer partners before we got together). I summarily trashed all old photos and I thought she did as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when my 15 year old daughter was going through photo albums and stumbled upon an album chock full of photos of her and her ex boyfriend. This is the guy that represented the most serious relationship prior to me and it was darn near a coin flip which one of us she would end up with. In private I asked her about this album and my wife stated that her mother brought her a bunch of albums and she would throw away the photos, and i saw in the trash some of the pictures (what i didn't do was count the photos) and i thought all was well. Unfortunately, last night I was looking for some something in the same dresser that held the photo albums and came upon the vast majority of pictures that i thought were thrown out.
> this seems so stupid because I am 99.99% confident she has not cheated on me, but at the same time I feel like she has been.... I guess my question is am i being a baby and letting this bother me as much as it is? is this cheating... I feel stupid for posting this...
> 
> thank you


Not a cheater but she* is* a liar (by default?) who holds herself to lower standards of behaviour than she holds you to. 

You need to ask her why she insisted that you throw away all you photographs of previous girlfriends if she was going to secretly hoard photographs of a former lover?

Ask her how she would have reacted if she had found that you had stored photographs of a previous lover?

What other things has she kept secret from you?

You are not being a baby.

As for your wife say to her: "Wife...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't know which I would rather have, a liar for a wife, or a cheating wife.

Wait....both have no respect for me so both can take a hike.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I'm new here, but I have come to believe that hanging on to the remnants of past lovers, BFs and GFs puts any relationship at risk. It did mine, and now I'm sitting in the ruins of what I thought was a really good relationship. Allowing an old boyfriend or girlfriend to own any real estate in your mind is risky. JMO.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

”When we first got married my wife insisted that we both would throw away any photos from prior relationships *that were of a physical nature”*

So if the photos weren’t sexual or whatever, she may feel she didn’t break the rule. 
However, she lied and pretended to throw them out. I’d be upset. I have a few pictures I’ve kept through the years of my college girlfriend, the first person I had sex with , my ex fiancée, a couple of others. I don’t look at them often, maybe once every few years if I happen to be digging through old stuff. I don’t want to be with them (I could have had one back after I got divorced), but chose not to. I don’t think it’s a big deal but wouid be willing to burn them if I got married again and it bothered her.
A whole album of pictures? Yeah that would bother me. They pretended to trash then but didn’t? That would bother me further.
Hypocrisy she shows? Yes, that too.
You have some things that should be addressed. Infidelity? No, not from keeping pictures.


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## Chillidog (Nov 5, 2020)

Another OP who has left the yard.


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## Perry78 (Jul 24, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Yes ... your being a baby.


So she wants him to throw away everything from past relationships but she hides hers sounds like a manipulative cheater in the making


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie cat 🐈 is sleeping. He has instructed me to close down this zombie thread, as he cannot be here himself. He has sent his team of Ninja cat 😸 avatars to deal with this. 😸🐈


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