# Miscommunication!!!!



## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

I can not seem to get my feelings through to this man. I've read books, use "I" statements, avoid "you always, you never etc. I am so frustrated I'm shutting down. I don't see the point in expressing myself to someone that just doesn't get it. We are giving our marriage a month to see if things improve MC is out if the question he will not go. I don't feel like there is a "we". He makes major decisions about house, finances, trips etc
without talking to me. I find these things out because I over hear him talking to other people about them or I see travel confirmation in our business email. He doesn't see, understand or care why this bothers me, I don't know. This is a second marriage for both of us. It seems like his house his money his decision. I work and contribute to bills but house, business were his before we married. I don't want control or financial half of his stuff, just some consideration of what I think, consideration of knowing what's going on before 10 other people. He sees nothing wrong its always an argument. Please help, am I being controlling, over sensitive ant suggestions? This does not seem like healthy marital communication to me
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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Nope, it's not just you!

Either he is a control-freak OR he has some kind of a personality disorder wherein everything has to be HIS way and you're just along for the ride.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Hmmm that sounds familiar, maybe I'll try writing a letter he can't argue with paper.
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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

I ask my wife her opinion occasionally. But generally speaking i havent ever asked her permission on anything i can think of, or her opinion on many a major item

That is his area, apparently. Perhaps you should put your attentions elsewhere. It is clear he didnt marry you for business advice but for something more personal. i guess i dont see why you are concerned over it either.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

I appreciate your point of view I think it bothers me that I feel like an after thought. He doesn't need my permission for anything. I just don't like finding out about 2 week long trips he's going on through someone else's wife, or finding out we' re getting a new furnace when the HVAC guys at the back door. I'll try taking a look at it that way. Thanks
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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Was he on his own for a long time before you married? Sometimes people get very stuck in their own ways.

You have to draw a line in the sand and be prepared to stick to you guns. If you don't make it clear that you won't tolerate this he won't be motivated to change.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

He was on his own for about two years, he's defintely stuck in his own ways. I've tried to tell him how this makes me feel, it seems like such a simple request to fill me in on things that have an affect on both our lives.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Next time he makes a plan for you without your knowledge, simply don't participate. That will be loud and clear enough

As for money, this is why joint accounts are so vital for married couples.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Jemm said:


> I can not seem to get my feelings through to this man. I've read books, use "I" statements, avoid "you always, you never etc. I am so frustrated I'm shutting down. I don't see the point in expressing myself to someone that just doesn't get it. We are giving our marriage a month to see if things improve MC is out if the question he will not go. I don't feel like there is a "we". He makes major decisions about house, finances, trips etc
> without talking to me. I find these things out because I over hear him talking to other people about them or I see travel confirmation in our business email. He doesn't see, understand or care why this bothers me, I don't know. This is a second marriage for both of us. It seems like his house his money his decision. I work and contribute to bills but house, business were his before we married. I don't want control or financial half of his stuff, just some consideration of what I think, consideration of knowing what's going on before 10 other people. He sees nothing wrong its always an argument. Please help, am I being controlling, over sensitive ant suggestions? This does not seem like healthy marital communication to me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Is the decision making and him not communicating things to you the only issue you have with your H or is he wanting to be in control in other areas too?

It's so frustrating when every discussion turns into an argument. It sounds like you are making an effort to fight fair but what about him. Would he be up for reading up on fighting fair so that you can both be heard / both really listen? 

How to Argue Effectively - the "DO" list


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

Jemm said:


> He was on his own for about two years, he's defintely stuck in his own ways. I've tried to tell him how this makes me feel, it seems like such a simple request to fill me in on things that have an affect on both our lives.


maybe if you just keep reminding him he is married now and it is inconsiderate to not fill you in on at least SOME things he will slowly come around. Us men are kind of dense on realizing peoples emotions, reactions and will most likely just give a wife a puzzled look trying to figure out what the problem is.
i wouldnt take it personally however. i pretty much circumvent my wife on everything like that. i just always did it on my own. she pretty much joined the party after it started, if you follow what i mean. And her power was limited in accomplishing some things because i was on everything it was my gig. i knew what was going on. i separated her and other areas of my life. she was the enjoyment. The rest was work. it isn't a particuliarly negative thing. some reminders might help him though. A little retraining in remembering he has a wife in the mix of things.


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks I'm going to check the link out
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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

All he hears is me complaining about his hobbies. I swear that is not what I am trying to communicate. This seems beyond typical man - woman differences. I tell him how it feels when he forgets to tell me about a two week hunting trip in Canada he starts yelling about how he loves hunting. I could care less if wants to take time off for something he loves , he's a great provider and busts his butt for us. However I would like to know when my husbands leaving the country. I always find stuff Lik
e this out three four weeks after its booked, I've been calm clear and precise. And no it isn't the only thing we argue about, we each have a child that's a huge thing as well. He is a type A personality almost everything is 
his way, normally I don't mind I'm a go with the flow person but when I do mind I expect some consideration
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