# wife set a date to leave. not ready.



## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

So, boxing up slowly. dont have a place yet. I make calls to suits in town but no replies. Fustrating. We are not divorsed yet.. but she wants me out of the house before it happens. She has been really awfull to be married to in our 10 year and she has also been nice. But she has anxiety issues that she got from her mom, who is paranoid. 

I am forgiving she is not. So much for her being christ like. I may have said a few things to tell her to be quiet when she was nagging at me. I told her many times in the past no tv no internet at 10 pm in the maste bedroom and she did not get it till I yelled at her. She does these things to her dad when younger. She has challened male authority and once, ripped a kids bike from a kid biking in the no bike path between the apartment then called 911. What would the rcmp do!!! he threatened to arrest her. Me, I was asleep! 

Cannot wait to live a life of peace thne be yelled at for inoculios things around the house which can be little accidents.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry you are here.
PM uptown I sense BPD here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

larky said:


> She has challened male authority and once, ripped a kids bike from a kid biking in the no bike path between the apartment then called 911. What would the rcmp do!!! he threatened to arrest her. Me, I was asleep!


Are you suggesting that her doing this with the kid's bike was her challenging male authority?

Can you give us some examples times when she challenged male authority?

If you were asleep in side your apartment, how did they almost arrest you?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Larky, I agree with *Tom* that the behaviors you describe in several threads -- i.e., your STBXW's extreme jealousy, verbal & physical abuse, unstable moods, paranoia, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, bullying, and lack of impulse control ($20,000 debt on credit cards) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Granted, you are not capable of determining whether her BPD traits are so strong as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make such a determination.

You nonetheless are fully capable spotting the warning signs if you take a little time to learn what to look for. After living with a woman for nearly 14 years, those red flags would be easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about bullying, temper tantrums, paranoia, and irrational jealousy (i.e., fear of abandonment).



> *She is also paranoid.* She thinks people are going to peer into our garbage if its clear, peer into our town house if the blinds are open, see our closet from the street though the window and steel things from us (your 10/19/10 post).


_"Having stress-related paranoid thoughts"_ is one of the key defining traits for BPD. That is, is one of the 9 symptoms -- listed in the APA's diagnostic manual -- that are used in diagnosing BPD.



larky said:


> She has been really awful to be married to in our 10 year and she has also been nice (today's post)..... She has two personalities (your 5/12/13 post).


If your STBXW really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), it is understandable that she seems to "have two personalities." Indeed, the most common complaint I've heard from the ex-partners of BPDers is that it seemed like they were living with a person having a split personality. With BPDers, however, it only seems that way. They actually have only one personality but, because it is fractured and not well integrated, they frequently do "black-white thinking." This all-or-nothing thinking occurs because they cannot tolerate ambiguities, uncertainties, strong mixed feelings, or other grey areas in human relationships. 

One result is that a BPDer will categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" so she knows how to deal with them. Moreover, she will recatorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on some minor comment or action. While "splitting you white," a BPDer can be adoring and caring. In just a few seconds, however, her anger can easily be triggered by a minor comment that makes her perceive of you as "all black." It therefore is common for "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) to feel like they are living with a person who is half-way to having a multiple personality disorder (now called "Dissociative Identity Disorder").

Another result is that the Non may waste years of his life trying to figure out what HE is doing wrong. He mistakenly believes that, if he can only figure it out, he will be able to restore his wife to that wonderful woman he saw at the beginning (and periodically gets glimpses of during the moments she is splitting him white."



> She is not sweet...unless in public.


If she is a BPDer, this behavior is to be expected. BPDers generally are not bad people. Their main problem is not being _bad_ but, rather, _unstable_. It therefore is common for BPDers to be generous and caring all day long to complete strangers and casual friends -- and then go home at night to abuse the very person who loves them. 

The reason is that strangers, business associates, and casual friends pose no threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Heaven help those casual friends, however, if they make the mistake of trying to draw close to the BPDer in a LTR. This is why BPDers generally have no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).



> She also has emotional mood swings like her mom.


The most common causes of mood swings are drug abuse and hormone changes (e.g., during puberty, pregnancy, portpartum, or perimenopause). Yet, because you observe no drug abuse and because her temper tantrums have been occurring for nearly 14 years, those two causes seem to be ruled out. 

If so, the two remaining common causes are bipolar disorder and BPD. Significanly, the behaviors you describe are far closer to the red flags for BPD than they are to bipolar. If you are interested, I describe the behavioral differences I've seen between BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.



> I want to know what kind of woman my wife is. Are there categories that woman fall under?


Well, she certainly exhibits BPD traits. Indeed, every adult on the planet does because BPD is a "spectral disorder," which means that BPD is a group of basic human behaviors that everyone exhibits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether she exhibits the traits. Rather, the issue is whether her BPD traits are strong enough to undermine a marriage and make your life miserable. 

Not having met the lady, I certainly don't know the answer to that question. Yet, as I noted earlier, I believe you are capable of spotting any strong BPD traits that exist if you take time to read about them. An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to join Tom in discussing them with you. Take care, Larky.


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