# Do I have the right to be angry?



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Some of you may know my story already(see my life as Single Mother thread) but something happened on Friday that really pushed my buttons. I would like to get your advice on how to handle this because I am naturally feisty person and I know that sometimes exploding can bring the opposite results.

On Thursday my ex H who lives in the US sent his mother via limo(she does not drive on the hwy) to pick up son for the weekend because my ex h was supposed to fly on Friday morning and spend the weekend here in Canada. When she picked him up she left an envelope for me with a receipt for diapers $34.

When we hand over our son I usually pack necessities in a backpack. That backpack contains few diapers, his Epipen, creams and usually one change of clothes. So the bag is mostly used if let's say we are out and need to change him. He has diapers/clothes normally at home, at his grandma(where he sees his father most of the time) and at ex H home in the US.

So on Friday afternoon I get this email from ex H:

"Fyi...there aren't enough day time diapers in the backpack so I had my Mom buy them and give you the receipt to reimburse her. I'll also put the checks (alimony and child support) in SON'S backpack for you"





Now the reason why I am angry is that as parents we are supposed to provide for necessities when the child is each other's care. Diapers are one of those necessities. She could have also picked up the phone and ask me for diapers the night before, she could have asked my mother(where she picked up our son) for more diapers but instead she went and bought them herself. We have been divorced almost a year and she has bought diapers on other occasions but this is the first time she has asked for money. Why should I be paying for those diapers? If my mom bought something for son I would be the one offering her money.

Not to mention that he also makes 4x the money I make a year.

He does pay child support/alimony on time as per court order, he does buy son other things.

Now my evil MIL has not called at all since June when she found out that I have gone on vacation(I am a travel agent and get amazing deals otherwise I would never be able to afford vacation where I went). I also timed my vacation with the time when son was supposed to be with his dad.

the receipt she provided me from Walmart was cut at the bottom where the date of the transaction would have been printed. Technically, it's not a valid receipt.

Don't get me wrong, it's not about the $34 but more about a principle. I don't want this to turn into a habit for them. Today is diapers, tomorrow is god knows what.

PS. In case you are wondering about the limo: as per our parenting agreement husband is supposed to pick up son from my house on Friday afternoon and bring him back Sunday afternoon. I am only 10 min from the airport. However he has been sending his mom to pick up son. I don't have a problem with that but she wants to take a commuter train 1 1/2 hrs in one direction. For safety issues I did not like our son travelling that way. He is 2 years old and does not speak and she is 70 years old and not in the greatest health(anything can happen to her).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm with you on this one. Anyone who can afford limo service can afford $34 for diapers. They should be ashamed. This sounds like something my estranged husband and his family would do. Next thing you know you'll be getting a bill for his food for the weekend. Tacky!


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## conerned (Jul 18, 2011)

The way I see it, he pays for diapers 365 days a year. The baby needed diapers, and you would have had to spend the money for them anyways - from the alimony and child support you already received.

Yes he should provide the necessities when he has the baby - but he already did that with the child support payment didn't he? Should he pay twice?

I don't mean to sound insensitive - I'm just trying to answer the question based on the facts as provided.

Note, a limo costs MUCH less than a taxi for any distance drive. I used to arrive in style in a limo and only pay $50. vs. paying well over $150. for a taxi.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

It sounds to me a bit like your mil/ex H being ar$y; ok maybe you should provide the diapers but unless any or all of you are on the breadline, 34$ for an essential should be neither here nor there when it comes to a child/grandchild. Hopefully some ways down the line your relations with them will soothe and that kind of thing is less likely to happen (heck, my ex-H now occasionally buys ice creams etc for my son with my OH - previously his bogey man). 
How to deal with it - another matter. I suppose you pretty much have to pay up, with your only way of making any kind of point (if you think it's worth the hassle) maybe being a cc/bcc email kind of confirming what you've paid for and that you hope the diapers will last x amount of time until you next need to replace OR saying you hope this request will be a one-off, and expressing your surprise that they felt the need to ask. 
Strange one, hard to resolve without appearing petty though I understand what made you mad.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

conerned said:


> The way I see it, he pays for diapers 365 days a year. The baby needed diapers, and you would have had to spend the money for them anyways - from the alimony and child support you already received.
> 
> Yes he should provide the necessities when he has the baby - but he already did that with the child support payment didn't he? Should he pay twice?
> 
> ...


Child support does not cover 100% of expenses for child while in other's care. He isn't paying 100% of OP's costs because he was ordered to pay child support and alimony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> It sounds to me a bit like your mil/ex H being ar$y; ok maybe you should provide the diapers but unless any or all of you are on the breadline, 34$ for an essential should be neither here nor there when it comes to a child/grandchild. Hopefully some ways down the line your relations with them will soothe and that kind of thing is less likely to happen (heck, my ex-H now occasionally buys ice creams etc for my son with my OH - previously his bogey man).
> How to deal with it - another matter. I suppose you pretty much have to pay up, with your only way of making any kind of point (if you think it's worth the hassle) maybe being a cc/bcc email kind of confirming what you've paid for and that you hope the diapers will last x amount of time until you next need to replace OR saying you hope this request will be a one-off, and expressing your surprise that they felt the need to ask.
> Strange one, hard to resolve without appearing petty though I understand what made you mad.


I'd ignore them. If they have the balls to bring it up again, I'd tell them you send a travel bag, but they are to provide necessities when baby is in their care. My ex tried to get it court ordered that I supply several changes of clothes for each season and tried to take the kids beds and dressers for the 4 nights he had them in a month. A real class act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I happened to think of something the mediator told me. A similar discussion came up regarding child support and one of our daughters spending the summer with her dad. My estranged husband thought he should be able to deduct half of the child support over the summer since our daughter would be staying primarily with him. The mediator said no to that. She said that the child support tables already calculate some room in there for expenses while at the non-custodial parent's place. And I've also noticed the judges allow a little room in there too on making a ruling. If that's true in your divorce state, then the child support your husband is paying also reflects that he may have to buy some of the incidental items while your son is visiting him.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The limo actually does not cost him that much because it is a family friend who owns the company and he gives them a deal.

The child spends on average two weekends with ex H. My son is usually picked up by Thursday midday and returned to me Sunday morning. My ex H also knows that between child support and alimony I would not be able to survive per month without eating from the savings account. The cost of living here is outrageous and I even do a monthly budget to know where every dollar goes while trying to put in childs education fund every month. 

The thing is we have been divorced almost a year this coming august. That's a lot of diapers in the mean time and only NOW the issue came up? I wonder if that has something to do with me taking time off to go on vacation and her thinking: Oh now she goes on vacation and my son has to pay all this money. My MIL is one of those women that has too much time on her hands to think about different things. She is widowed and lonley and I think most of the time she wants to bring attention to herself.

The child support was set by a table in the State in CT so neither one of us would have had a say in the amount. The alimony was not enough as per the length of the marriage but I just wanted to get him off my back and agreed to the amount I get now(I also had other circumstances that prevented me to fight longer for the alimony). So in other words, my ex H did not get "cleaned" in this divorce. Heck I even gave back the jewelry when my ex MIL tried to call me a gold digger.

So I think there is more to the story than just diapers for $34. 

Don't you also think that if you expect someone to pay for something it is courteous to tell them before you buy it?

Before my vacation, she would usually call me the evening before son was to be picked up to tell me he needs this or that(never asked about diapers) but this time she did not.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your ex MIL will always hate you. Put no more energy into her or how she treats you. Tell your ex that he is responsible for expenses when the child is in his care, and if his mother does not want to provide for your child, then he should personally show up to pick up his child.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

The other thing is my ex MIL is supposed to watch our son in October one week when my parents are away(who usually watch him while I am at work) and I don't want her to bail out on me. I could probably find another person to watch our child but he has special needs and I would hate to do that to him. MIL does take good care of him just that she sometimes acts like a child (and her sons know that)


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think it was petty of both of them.

Do you ever actually see your ex-?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I see my ex H when he picks up son. MIL not that much. This same woman called me after her bday to tell me that she really missed having me for her bday(this past april) and that she hoped one day we can all be one "happy family" together at a get together(yeah right I will be in a room full of people who have disrespected me). 

I will basically tell my ex husband that I will give his mother her $34 dollars and that next time she/he buys something for son and plans to send me the bill to actually have the courtesy to tell me ahead of time(isn't that what courteous people do?). And I also plan to tell him that if she has a problem with me to pick up the phone and address it like an adult and not use son and his diapers for that.

I think this is fair and polite and to the point.

See the thing is that my MIL up to this day refuses to see the proof of her son's infidelity and where and how he spent money while married to me. If she knew only 5% she would have to bury her head in the sand.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I believe I would tell the ex exactly that and give them the $34. It's a pain to have to be the one to keep the peace. The precedent that starts bothers me a bit though. This time it's the diapers. What will it be next time? Food for the weekend? Toys at grandma's? We know how people can take advantage.....


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

as I said it's not the $34 dollars but the principle


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> as I said it's not the $34 dollars but the principle


The precident concerns me too. I wouldn't pay. Are they Gold diapers? Cripes I buy diapers for both kids for less than that. And that's brand name. She didn't have to go for the mega pack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Well, no matter what happens it's HIS KID for christ's sake. I don't count the money I give my folks. If I can help, I will. I don't count the money I help my man with. If he needs it, he has it, just as he helped me A LOT when I needed this.

If you have a kid, your obligations don't end with alimony. Come on, you're giving a stranger diapers if they needed these for their kids, how can you not give your kid? I'd expect him and his 'wonderful' mother to start asking money for the food they're giving the baby, maybe even the water the use to bathe the kid. Come on, this is NASTY and yes, you have reasons to blow up a fuse. But, since they're both so disgusting, maybe you should just give the money and not bother with such low people.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually came up with this response(but I am not going to send it)

Coach purse for mistress $600
Private jet to take mistress to NFL game while still married $4,440
Asking your ex wife for $34 for son's diapers while child in your care PRICELESS

Btw, all these mentioned above actually happened in my saga


People that know my ex h know him as very generous guy and he was like that while we were married. But when he screw himself by asking for the $34 in an email because people would definitely not believe this one.

Seriously, I composed an answer today at work but I am going to send it tomorrow. I will post it here to get your wise advice on this.


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## sunnez (May 9, 2011)

I am with you on this, just the fact that you pack diapers, etc. is a bonus. He should have all the necessary items to properly care for your son in his home.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

This is the response I plan to send. Let me know what you guys think. I would have rather done this over the phone but with my ex H I need to keep things in writing just in case.

_Please see the attached receipt. She has cut the bottom part of the receipt so I really can’t see when she bought the diapers. The credit card number(if that what she was worried about) is masked so I don’t know why she did that. She has given me receipts before so I don’t know why she sent it this way. Anyways, I will take your word for it that this was for son.

In the future, if she needs something for our son she can pick up the phone and tell me like she has done many times in the past year (be it yogurt,fruits, diapers, clothes). She could have also asked my mother for more diapers when she picked him up. I would really appreciate, if I was at least notified of a purchase that I am expected to reimburse to someone else regardless of the price or who it was related to. It’s just common courtesy.

If she or you have some unresolved issue with me, please tell call me and we can discuss it as adults. Please do not use son and his diapers to vent anger towards me.

Both you and I know that this is not about the diapers or the $34 dollars but I am not going to dwell on that now. I have far more serious health issues to worry right now in my life._


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## sunnez (May 9, 2011)

I like your first response (PRICELESS), that was good, I do agree the second one would be best. Sounds like you want to keep it civil and that is probably a good idea.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'd pay her $34 in pennies.....or better yet, $33.99 in pennies!! I'm sure if you did that, she'd write you for the 0.01. Honestly, I'd trash the receipt and forget about it. I don't think you should have to pay for diapers when your son is with his father. If your former H or MIL ever did mention the money for the diapers, then I'd explain at that time that husband is responsible for necessities for his son when he is with him. Leave it at that.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh that would be lots of pennies but thanks you gave me a good idea


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

karole said:


> I'd pay her $34 in pennies.....or better yet, $33.99 in pennies!! I'm sure if you did that, she'd write you for the 0.01. Honestly, I'd trash the receipt and forget about it. I don't think you should have to pay for diapers when your son is with his father. If your former H or MIL ever did mention the money for the diapers, then I'd explain at that time that husband is responsible for necessities for his son when he is with him. Leave it at that.


I find I agree with you a lot . I too would ignore it and only acknowledge if they had the guts to bring in up again. Something along the lines, 'you gotta be f**king kidding me'. But then again, I argued with my ex about why it's gross to expect your son to use a USED goalie can for hockey at age 16.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ok so I sent my response like I described it above and this what I got as a reply:


"Hi my name(consistenly spelled with lowercase):
What I know is that she bought them recently prior to my last trip and showed them to me. 

Nonetheless she told me she had to buy them because there were barely any daytime diapers in the backpack from you, she had none in her apt and needed to buy them for son. If I recall there was enough just for one day (5-6) and one nite time diaper per night. 

Son needed the daytime diapers and they were purchased. Please reimburse her for this.

I will also send you the invoices for son's educational DVDs which we had agreed to split 50-50."

What a jacka**!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He is, indeed, a jerk!

I was afraid the diapers were just the beginning. Now the DVDs. What's next? I believe I would contact the divorce lawyer about this situation. The mediator told me those types of things are already factored into the child support formula--hence, when the child is visiting the noncustodial parent, he/she is responsible for the expenses while there.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

No the DVDs were something we agreed to from before so it's not a surprise. I am actually very friendly with the paralegal at my US lawyers office so I forwarded her the email and she just about fell of the chair. She will show it to my lawyer. I don't know if he will charge me or not but at least I will know what my rights are.

I know it's stupid to involve lawyers for this. What he does now is something is mistress is doing to her ex husband. After I posted here I got another response from him:

"I don't believe you understand child support payments. These payments are to cover son's monthly needs (food, shelter, diapers, allergy meds, etc....) Because I visit him approx two (2) weekends a month has no impact. You are receiving the cheques on his behalf and therefore you are responsible to provide his needs irrespective of where he is. It is not a situation of child support and then you not having to pay for his needs when I'm visiting him. It doesn't work that way.

When he has been visiting with me in the USA I have been handling his expenses (food, diapers, meds, toys, clothes, etc...) which I do because I want to, not because I have to, but again the child support payments are there to cover these expenses, even when he's visiting me in the US but I don't ask you to reimburse them. I have son on my medical insurance here in the USA, because I want to, not because I have to".

Again I have not asked ex husband to buy the child $135 truck for his bday, and milion other clothes that he never got to wear them because he overgrew them. But at the end this all comes down to me taking a vacation in June. How come this is all of a sudden an issue after our divorce became final in Sep 2010?

What makes me upset is that my ex did not even provide a valid receipt. She tore the bottom of it(where the date/signature would have been). For all I know this could be someone else's receipt.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

So my lawyer finally replied to my email. He basically said that my ex H is dead wrong. Unless we have it in our agreement that he is supposed to reduce child support during the times when son is with him for extended period of time(we don't have this) then he is supposed to provide for necessities.

So I will be replying to husband, basically forwarding my lawyer's reply and I will also tell him that I will send his mother the cheque this ONE time and ONLY time and that he hopefully explain to her what child support means. I will finish my email by saying that this is really sad for our son who certainly does not deserve this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't blame your exMIL for buying the diapers, and I think it started out being totally innocent. I think your response got a burr up his butt so he's in defend mode.

Send him the lawyer's response, just so he'll know he can't play around with that crap.

But stop trying to educate him.


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