# Marriage Counseling: What to expect?



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I have been trying to get into marriage counseling since finding out of H's affair in October. 
I called my old counselor and spoke to him, and he was trying to pull some strings to get us in, and I just got the call today.

Our first appointment is tomorrow at 11!!


I'm kind of nervous as to what to expect.
Is he going to speak with both of us? 

Or will he do something like, speak to both of us, then speak to us both individually?

He says we will have three sessions total with him, and I am not sure how this will work out.

He knows us both, myself better than my husband, but he knows my husband as well.

That saves the introductions etc.
He knows about the affair, and quite a bit on it since we have spoke several times on the phone.

So what do I expect?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey good luck and let us know how it goes, I've had the same question about how it actually works myself...
don't be nervous look at it as an opportunity to work on a good marriage and see if it can be saved.
I think it's a great step.....tells me there is hope, my husband wouldn't even consider any help


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can only tell you how my specific counselor worked it as I am not sure thats how they all operate. Our counselor brought us both in and would not talk to either of us without the other one being involved in the conversation. He would insist that we let each other speak openly and that we explore a full thought before jumping in with questions for each other.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I would seriously consider asking the counselor for a referral. If he knows you and your husband he has likely formed opinions already. You are paying for a professional to be objective in dealing with you, I don't think you will get that. No offense to your friend, just seems logical.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Good luck - hope it goes well. Our counselor spoke with both of us and the funny thing to me was we barely even discussed the Affair?! (ok, so there was part of me that wanted her to ream my H a new one!) But it was mentioned and that was that. She focused on us and our marriage and what went wrong. 

She told us marriages are like gardens. You can't just plant them and forget them - they have to be nurtured & taken care of. Ours had been overcome by weeds. We are now getting rid of the weeds so that we can have our beautiful garden back. (I know, kind of corny... no pun intended!:rofl:


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> I would seriously consider asking the counselor for a referral. If he knows you and your husband he has likely formed opinions already. You are paying for a professional to be objective in dealing with you, I don't think you will get that. No offense to your friend, just seems logical.


No offense taken.
He is really our only option. Being on medicaid, there are no counselors - especially marriage counselors that take our insurance.
He is doing this completely free since our only other real alternative would be counseling through a church - which neither of us are religious.


Just to update everyone, our first session went great.
My husband said he felt it was nothing like he expected, he did not feel cornered or attacked and he did not feel the counselor was one-sided.

He gave us the goal of complimenting eachother more, and said relationships with more compliments tend to be more sucessful.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Glad it worked well. Usually it is much more simple and fundamental than people expect. 

Any therapist worth a damn isn't going to go after the affair right out of the gate, because the affair isn't the cause of the problems. The affair is the result of the problems. (Blanket statement, I don't even know if an affair was part of your issues)
Usually, the partner that expects to be attacked, isn't. And the partner that assumes that are going to have an ally in beating down the offending partner is sorely mistaken. It just doesn't work that way - or it shouldn't if you have a good counselor.

Best of luck going forward. Another piece I have shared; the days you walk out of a session feeling worse than when you walked in, is a sure fire sign that you are doing the hard work that therapy will demand of you. It's a good thing not a bad thing.


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