# Close to being engaged, but....



## ScottRibbel782 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi everyone, first time being on here. Well to make this short, I have been in a relationship for 5.5 yrs (I'm 29, she is 28) with a great girl and she has been really wanting a ring, to get married and have children. She is great, she's caring, supportive, and yes she has her days.

Here's the thing: I feel used to her, I don't feel much of a physical attraction for her (even though I say she is sexy I don't hardly feel it). She compliments me on my looks but I don't compliment her as much because I feel like I have to force it out of me. I am also checking out other women when we go to the mall, theater, anywhere.

I care for and love her but it feels like this is creating so much trouble for me I don't know know if I should get married.

This is the reason why I haven't proposed yet, I am unsure. :scratchhead:

I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks for your time.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Sure are a lot of engagement threads popping up these days. Read this thread. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/50254-young-ignorant.html 

He married and is now regretting it. If you aren't attracted to them physically at all, I don't see it working.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

RUn ... run..... Run away fast. Let the girl loose so she can find the man of her dreams that will make her happy, support her & not be bored with her in 5 years.

& DON"T get engaged to someone that does not make your heart sing. That if you are not with them... and you have a great moment... that you don't think of them, & can't wait to share it with them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you're not feeling it at this stage, don't wait until you're married to find out that whatever it was has completely gone.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Although it will hurt both of you in the short term to break up, it's nothing compared to what you will go through in a few years down the track when you inevitably cheat or seperate then. 

If you feel this way now you really need to listen to yourself and do not get married to someone you're not attracted to.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

She is not the right one. Do not marry her. Move on and break up. The sooner you end this relationship, the better.

My husband and I have never lost that attraction towards each other. We've been together for 13 years and still are very much in love and attracted. My husband proposed to me after 6 months of dating. I never brought up the issue whatsoever. I knew he'd been thinking about asking me since he mentioned it before he asked. My husband still to this day treats me as if we first met. We both knew instantly that we were meant for each other.


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## ScottRibbel782 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hey, thanks for all of the replies. I feel horrible admitting it. We do get along, have a lot of the same interests and do care for each other. I thought that would be enough. It seems like there are couples that become attracted later on in the relationship. I feel like we have more of a connection then when we first were going out. 

This would be so hard for me to do, such a loss and heart break for both of us.

I feel like I don't know how I would go on with my life. We've been together for so long


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Just curious, what do you not find attracting? Personality, looks , clothing she wears... (if you can narrow it down)


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## ScottRibbel782 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi, no she has a great personality, caring, I just find the problem is her looks. I feel like I don't have that ummph, desire for her nearly as much. She is not really into working out, trying to be fit and active. I have tried to get her more involved, but she doesn't seem to have much interest.

From this I feel a lot of guilt and depression. There is a part of me that has such a hard time in saying, that is it, we are done. So much anxiety and horrible feeling thinking about it. I feel like I am struggling with this almost everyday.

Thanks again for the replies and thank you occasionallybaffled.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Welcome. Once you decide how you plan too bring it up and after you inform her...there's support here if you need it.


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## ScottRibbel782 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thank you


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

That sounds tough. I don't think it is uncommon for lustful feelings to sort of calm down. But if you make fitness, health and being active a priority and she doesn't, I feel like that could be a source of contention in your marriage. 

Also, at this point in time, thinking about getting engaged, you should be nothing but excited. I wouldn't try and talk you out of anything, only you know what the relationship is. 

It sounds like you have a very meaningful and loving relationship, I can tell it breaks your heart that you are unsure. It is lovely that you care for her so much, but it doesn't mean she is the one for you for life and you for her. 

Sorry.


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## ScottRibbel782 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks lotsoflove. Your right, I don't know the best way to break it off, if I am going to go through it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Like a band-aid. Just rip it off, but in a loving way.

Just tell her that you don't see a future with her. Tell her she's a great gal, and a great catch for someone.....just not for you. 

You are young and you will find your way through this. Stay strong, chin up, and move forward. That's what you do in life.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

10 [a] An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself* with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[c]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30  Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Proverbs 31:10-31*


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Like a band-aid. Just rip it off, but in a loving way.
> 
> Just tell her that you don't see a future with her. Tell her she's a great gal, and a great catch for someone.....just not for you.
> 
> You are young and you will find your way through this. Stay strong, chin up, and move forward. That's what you do in life.


:iagree: Listen to the lady with the drink... I mean SW, she has great input.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

occasionallybaffled said:


> :iagree: Listen to the lady with the drink... I mean SW, she has great input.


:lol: :iagree:


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

(wrong thread but) ^^^ Like the sig too.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

i just think he should take it seriously. If he loves her, she is attractive. sounds like the problem is him.

you marry a woman you are putting your LIFE in her hands. Kids, home, pretty much everything. Thats alot of responsibility.
Dont be a idiot and toss out one that will step up to the plate with loving hands and suffer a storm with you, in favor of one that might shine a little more on sunny days.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

ScottRibbel782 said:


> Here's the thing: I feel used to her, *I don't feel much of a physical attraction for her (even though I say she is sexy I don't hardly feel it). She compliments me on my looks but I don't compliment her as much because I feel like I have to force it out of me.* I am also checking out other women when we go to the mall, theater, anywhere.
> 
> I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks for your time.





bribrius said:


> i just think he should take it seriously. If he loves her, *she is attractive*. sounds like the problem is him.
> 
> you marry a woman you are putting your LIFE in her hands. Kids, home, pretty much everything. Thats alot of responsibility.
> *Dont be a idiot and toss out one that will step up to the plate with loving hands and suffer a storm with you, in favor of one that might shine a little more on sunny days.*


OP says he isn't attracted to her. The "problem" may be on his end, she seems content/ready to marry... but it takes two to work. Unless this changes on his end, it will lead to more issues later. Implying he should stay with her because it might be difficult to find someone that else... is ridiculous. Whatever the reasons, you shouldn't marry when you are having doubts about the other. If he isn't sure if he should propose, then there's the answer. I don't recall how long the attraction has been an issue but if it's only recent... perhaps he can wait it out and contrast it with what he really appreciates about her. If that isn't an option/doesn't work... it's fine. But rushing into an engagement that he doesn't want/isn't ready for... that is not a wise decision.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

occasionallybaffled said:


> OP says he isn't attracted to her. The "problem" may be on his end, she seems content/ready to marry... but it takes two to work. Unless this changes on his end, it will lead to more issues later. Implying he should stay with her because it might be difficult to find someone that else... is ridiculous. Whatever the reasons, you shouldn't marry when you are having doubts about the other. If he isn't sure if he should propose, then there's the answer. I don't recall how long the attraction has been an issue but if it's only recent... perhaps he can wait it out and contrast it with what he really appreciates about her. If that isn't an option/doesn't work... it's fine. But rushing into an engagement that he doesn't want/isn't ready for... that is not a wise decision.


:iagree:


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## betron (Jul 9, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> RUn ... run..... Run away fast. Let the girl loose so she can find the man of her dreams that will make her happy, support her & not be bored with her in 5 years.
> 
> & DON"T get engaged to someone that does not make your heart sing. That if you are not with them... and you have a great moment... that you don't think of them, & can't wait to share it with them.


THIS is the problem. Everyone expects marriage and love to continue to be this breathless, suspended ecstasy. 

Guess what? When it comes right down to it, a marriage is built on commitment. And this commitment is based on having similar values, mutual respect and a love that goes MUCH DEEPER than who's sexy. My husband is NOT sexy when he's put on weight and has a snotty nose. My husband IS sexy when he's in shape and does the dishes. Chances are, life is going to hand us both situations multiple times along the way. Physical attraction changes and morphs. The way you perceive it, and the way your spouse may or may not exude it. 

What doesn't change - most of the time - are fundamental values. What doesn't change is a sense of duty and respect for vows made to one another. What doesn't change is a longing for partnership. At the end of it all, you'll be wanting someone around to just hang out with anyway.

Also - your spouse it NOT responsible for whether or not you become bored. Your spouse is not there to serve you, nor the other way around. You are there to serve each other and serve a higher purpose. You are not there to make each other happy. When people look to their significant others to MAKE them happy, that always fails, and failed expectations are the birthplaces of bitterness and resentment. 

Make yourself happy. Make yourself un-bored. Make yourself sexy. If you're in a committed relationship built on mutual respect and actual love, you're likely to find a partner who will MIRROR your actions; you'll find someone who is also happy, exciting and sexy. 

Also, if anyone would like to read my blog, that'd be cool, too: BRAVE NEW FAMILY


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

betron said:


> THIS is the problem. Everyone expects marriage and love to continue to be this breathless, suspended ecstasy.
> 
> Guess what? When it comes right down to it, a marriage is built on commitment.


Guess what? People that get married out of 'obligation' and not being attracted to their spouse end up either in an affair, or divorced. 

Sorry, but I'd rather marry someone I was sexually attracted to....and not go through all of that! It's best that the OP knows this up front, and not after walking down the aisle to no return. 

Like I said, he's young as is she....and both of their lives will go on. They'll both find someone else that they are more compatible with and attracted to. It's the way the universe works.


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## betron (Jul 9, 2012)

I'm not arguing that you should marry someone you're not attracted to.

I'm not arguing that this guy should marry this girl.

I'm not arguing that people should get married out of obligation.

I'm arguing that the shallow-minded point of view most people have of love and marriage is what sets people up for failure. Marriage IS an obligation. Once you're in it, you're in it. At least that's how it's supposed to be. 

I agree that if this guy is waffling - likely because the puppy-love infatuation feelings are gone - he probably shouldn't have proposed in the first place. He probably should not get married. But I don't know their specifics. 

I was commenting on the overall mindset I saw in many posts...

Sounds harsh? It is. Life is harsh. And that's why light and fluffy, haphazard sentiments won't stand the test of time. That's how the universe works.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I don't think he's proposed yet.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

^^^ He didn't perhaps betron should read the thread, I don't see how you can miss the topic and still give advice :scratchhead:


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## betron (Jul 9, 2012)

I made a rookie poster mistake. I was so excited to make my point that I mistyped. Off soap box.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

betron said:


> I'm not arguing that you should marry someone you're not attracted to.
> 
> I'm not arguing that this guy should marry this girl.
> 
> ...


Attraction is a big part. It can be physical, emotional and/or spiritual. Otherwise I'd be in multiple relationships... I get along well with different females. 
Attraction can fade with time, but starting with nothing. Why do that?


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## ladybird224172 (Jul 9, 2012)

If in doubt ,dont do it.My situation was the same,but i did that mistake and married my then boyfriend just out of obligation or something.My advice dont do it,find someone with whom you will burn,whose interests and life will become your interests and life.You need to be able to really fuse with the person you consider marrying.Dont do it out of some obligation.


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## betron (Jul 9, 2012)

occasionallybaffled said:


> Attraction is a big part. It can be physical, emotional and/or spiritual. Otherwise I'd be in multiple relationships... I get along well with different females.
> Attraction can fade with time, but starting with nothing. Why do that?


Yes, attraction plays a role. Yes, attraction is more than just physical. And I absolutely don't believe that two people should start out with nothing and just march blindly forward. Not advocating that.

I'm also not advocating marrying out of obligation. It's not the worst thing you could do, but it's pretty bad.

I take issue with the following. The "you have to burn for one another" comments. The "you have to be the same person" comments. And, more than that, the general mind-set today that physicality, lust, all of those things, equals love. 

It's a hard thing to understand what "I instantly knew my spouse when I saw him/her" means. Love at first sight? Instant attraction? The "I just knew" and talks of "burning" can lead young people to believe that they need to be hit over the head by this overwhelming flood of sensation to know love. Worse, some think that overwhelming flood is supposed to last! How are they supposed to know what to ground their decisions in? It should be more than a feeling, and it should be more than an attraction (I understand what you mean by being potentially compatible with more than one person - that's where commitment comes in).

Life ebbs and flows. Feelings ebb and flow. Couples in marriage fall in and out of the "love feeling" a million times in a life.

This guy isn't attracted to his girlfriend. He's described the situation so that it looks like she's not keeping in shape, and he's lost the "oomph." Got it. I agree that they should end it.

But I would warn, and this was my whole dang point anyway: waiting for that spark, that fusion, that burning to indicate to you that you need to get married, and reaching doubt before or after tying the knot because that "burn" fades...I believe it's a dangerous way to make decisions about and view love. Life will never sustain that burn 100% of the time. It'll come and go and come again. 

That's all I was trying to say. OK, now off of soap box...I think...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ScottRibbel782 said:


> Hey, thanks for all of the replies. I feel horrible admitting it. We do get along, have a lot of the same interests and do care for each other. I thought that would be enough. It seems like there are couples that become attracted later on in the relationship. I feel like we have more of a connection then when we first were going out.
> 
> This would be so hard for me to do, such a loss and heart break for both of us.
> 
> I feel like I don't know how I would go on with my life. We've been together for so long


 Well, before you go sowing your wild oats, why not try this first? 

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and read it together. Discuss it, ask yourselves if you've been giving your relationship the right attention. Take a stab at improving your relationship before you throw it away. Understand that the chemicals in your brain that make you crazy in love don't stay in your body more than 2 or 3 years; after that, you have to actually LIKE each other and you have to actually WORK to keep the relationship fresh and fun - like when you were dating.

This won't change if you just give up this model for a new one. You'll be right back here in 5 years with the NEXT woman, wondering why you have no feelings for her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Falling in love involves the enhanced secretion of b-Phenylethylamine (PEA, or the "love chemical") in the first 2 to 4 years of the relationship.
> 
> This natural drug creates an euphoric high and helps obscure the failings and shortcomings of the potential mate.


Now that the PEA has died off, you have to decide if you really loved each other. Maybe you didn't. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you're going to feel that high again, with a new person, for the rest of your life. You'll end up feeling like you do now if you just go off of how you feel together.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmm.

i dunno.

i basically got mine young and after some years of training she pretty much became what i wanted....
Dated some others i thought i loved, but they would have made real crappy wives. Love, care, and them being worthy of the road ahead are very different things.....
Happy i didnt marry any of them. Im not a huge fan of the love thing i think it fades and is kind of b.s.
comes and goes to some extent.
People change, fall in and out love, marriages have ups and downs, whatever.
i wanted somthing a little more concrete (devotion and trust is huge for me) that had value (capable of raising children) that would listen to me (basically i dont have to fight with her she will give her input and pretty much do what i ask most times) that would go make my coffee and come back and give me a kiss and make dinner while still being very pretty and presentable and intelligent. 
Well, and they had to have a religous foundation but mine had one so that wasnt a issue.

Basically someone to build a life with that seemed up to the task.

And i didnt give out the ring for just love. (not that i dont love her but being a guy i can separate the two). Anyone else asks my wife how she managed to get a ring out of me she will say she EARNED it and she isn't ever giving it up. She earned that damn ring. LOL

She did earn it to. I made sure of it.
i have complete faith in her.

I think alot of people that just go after the beginning love thing end up divorced and dont make it through the ups and downs well at all. Could be why there are so many divorces.
Far as attractive, my wife is very attractive i get complimented on her looks she is very pretty. But i have dated more attractive than her and there were times over the years ill admit, i was kind of bored with her physically as we all have dry spells. But the ones before her weren't worth much to me beyond their looks. They had no value to me personally other than a fling or temporary show piece. So my wife is WAY more attractive to ME and obviously means quite a bit to me even if i had dated a little better looking before.
just my take on it. 
You can keep the puppy love crap i was looking for something else...


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