# I just plainly don't know what to do



## TJW

My BIL has now progressed to the terminal stage of kidney disease. He has been on dialysis now for about 6 years. His wife died about 9 months ago of cancer.
They have two twin daughters who are now 21 years old.

It's a very long story. One that makes me so angry. They put their own needs above the needs of their children. My BIL is learning-disabled, mostly due to a self-centered ***** mother who drove her own husband to a suicide attempt (in which he failed to die but injured himself beyond any repair and needed a professional-care scenario). He "protected" his twin girls from the embarrassment of public school. 

Their "homeschooling" was a completely ineffectual farce. As parents, they were totally indulgent and allowed their children to get to a chronological age of 21 with an emotional and intellectual age of about 14.

My BIL is going to die. And soon. His other sister is about to retire, my wife already has, his brother is pushing 60 and still driving a truck to make a living. The aunt on their mother's side is already raising 3 kids of her own. I am 69, working full-time (hallelujah!) and I refuse to take them here.

Where, and to whom, can I go ?? Neither of these girls are employable by anyone. They both desperately need remedial education, training in life skills, etc.


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## Diana7

TJW said:


> My BIL has now progressed to the terminal stage of kidney disease. He has been on dialysis now for about 6 years. His wife died about 9 months ago of cancer.
> They have two twin daughters who are now 21 years old.
> 
> It's a very long story. One that makes me so angry. They put their own needs above the needs of their children. My BIL is learning-disabled, mostly due to a self-centered *** mother who drove her own husband to a suicide attempt (in which he failed to die but injured himself beyond any repair and needed a professional-care scenario). He "protected" his twin girls from the embarrassment of public school.
> 
> Their "homeschooling" was a completely ineffectual farce. As parents, they were totally indulgent and allowed their children to get to a chronological age of 21 with an emotional and intellectual age of about 14.
> 
> My BIL is going to die. And soon. His other sister is about to retire, my wife already has, his brother is pushing 60 and still driving a truck to make a living. The aunt on their mother's side is already raising 3 kids of her own. I am 69, working full-time (hallelujah!) and I refuse to take them here.
> 
> Where, and to whom, can I go ?? Neither of these girls are employable by anyone. They both desperately need remedial education, training in life skills, etc.


In the UK there are college courses for young people who need life skills etc. 
Can they do things like cook? Pay bills? What have they all been living on? Do they have a home?


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## notmyjamie

I’d call Social Services in your area and see what help is available for them as they’ll have no income or means of support once their father passes.


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## TJW

They can cook simple but adequate meals. They have, and still at this moment are, living under the auspices of their father. They are receiving social insurance disability money, but it is insufficient to pay rent, utilities, and groceries. They will not be able to afford to live in their home after their father expires. 

My wife is paying their bills. I think the girls are perfectly capable to handle their own affairs. I am strongly in opposition to my wife on this. In my opinion, she needs to hand over the responsibility, back off, and guide them as needed. My BIL may well be too sick to do this now. His brain has been affected by the toxicity of kidney failure.


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## Blondilocks

Didn't you say these girls are mildly retarded? As I recall, many posters offered you advice when you posted about this before. I suggest you revisit your earlier thread for ideas.

It sounds like your wife expects you to foot the bill for these girls. Cut off the finances.


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## Openminded

Yes, I remember that thread.

Is your wife supporting then out of marital funds, against your wishes, since she’s retired?


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## DownByTheRiver

This is literally not your responsibility. This is the golden moment when those full-grown twins will stop being enabled and have to do some growing up and get jobs and support themselves or find some chump who will. Don't let it be you. Help the elderly any way you can, if you're more able than they are, but these kids will sink or swim. They have the energy of youth. Not your responsibility.


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## TJW

No, she is using her brother's funds. But her priorities are misaligned. She is part of the problem. and not of the solution.



DownByTheRiver said:


> This is the golden moment when those full-grown twins will stop being enabled and have to do some growing up


Amen. and amen. I reserve my help to "widows indeed". You are 100% correct that this is not my responsibility. 

But, my wife is saying "you would do the same if it was your family"...... then I say, "....no.....I wouldn't...I would allow THEM to take hold of their own problem, and create their own solutions....".



Blondilocks said:


> It sounds like your wife expects you to foot the bill for these girls.


Unfortunately, I think you are correct..... but I am not paying financially for them. Only in non-monetary ways. However, I am a "pack mule" - I fully recognize my position in her "family". My wife's priority is HER FAMILY...... which does not even include me, much less place me in the upper categories below God. I have no problem with God being first. But I am not second. Or, even third..... I am the "supply chain".....


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## Openminded

Who is your wife planning on having them live with when their dad is gone?


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## JennaNC

TJW said:


> My BIL has now progressed to the terminal stage of kidney disease. He has been on dialysis now for about 6 years. His wife died about 9 months ago of cancer.
> They have two twin daughters who are now 21 years old.
> 
> It's a very long story. One that makes me so angry. They put their own needs above the needs of their children. My BIL is learning-disabled, mostly due to a self-centered *** mother who drove her own husband to a suicide attempt (in which he failed to die but injured himself beyond any repair and needed a professional-care scenario). He "protected" his twin girls from the embarrassment of public school.
> 
> Their "homeschooling" was a completely ineffectual farce. As parents, they were totally indulgent and allowed their children to get to a chronological age of 21 with an emotional and intellectual age of about 14.
> 
> My BIL is going to die. And soon. His other sister is about to retire, my wife already has, his brother is pushing 60 and still driving a truck to make a living. The aunt on their mother's side is already raising 3 kids of her own. I am 69, working full-time (hallelujah!) and I refuse to take them here.
> 
> Where, and to whom, can I go ?? Neither of these girls are employable by anyone. They both desperately need remedial education, training in life skills, etc.


I don't know where you live but, here in the US a lot of young adults join the service. Is there any way they can do something like that?


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## TJW

Openminded said:


> Who is your wife planning on having them live with when their dad is gone?


Their aunt (on mother's side). But, she is trying to control the aunt into the past paradigm of mollycoddling, playing taxi service, instead of allowing the consequences of the girls' laziness and lack of ambition to mold them into adults. The aunt isn't buying in.....and I'm applauding.....

There's more drama around here than on The Bachelorette. I need a TV switch that works on my in-laws.....insufferable tripe.....

They are mildly retarded. And, they have been taught to use their slowness as a manipulation tool.



JennaNC said:


> a lot of young adults join the service.


One of them could. In fact, I think that's a capital idea. The other suffers from a congenital vascular defect which has been corrected surgically 3 times, as she grew - I doubt she would qualify - however, she is active, plays basketball every day, she is certainly ok to work.

All I can say is....thank God it's Monday ..... I can get the hell out of this drivel and do something productive with my own life. I can't make others do anything, all I can do is "tune out".


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## Enigmatic

In your previous thread you shared evaluations on the twins which stated that they were both intellectually disabled. Do you have an accurate understanding of how much independence is realistic for them? Perhaps your wife can be encouraged to look into group homes and other services for such adults. I don't think it is simply a matter of them _deciding_ to become self-supporting. Obviously, it would have been preferable for such interventions to have occurred before now, but that ship has sailed. All you can do now, is figure out how to position them for self-sufficiency when the next adult (their aunt) passes.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife has got to pull her head out of her ass and realize that there won't always be someone around to take care of the girls. She is doing them a huge disservice. This isn't love - it's actually callous and cruel. A hundred years ago, she probably would have kept them in the attic.


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## DownByTheRiver

Blondilocks said:


> Didn't you say these girls are mildly retarded? As I recall, many posters offered you advice when you posted about this before. I suggest you revisit your earlier thread for ideas.
> 
> It sounds like your wife expects you to foot the bill for these girls. Cut off the finances.


I would say if your wife wants to support these girls, divorce her and let her do just that. There are places like Kroger who hire mentally challenged people, but if the girls' parents didn't get them any practical training, they're just going to be a burden on someone or the state. I would report the situation to social services and let them pull some tricks out of their bag to figure out a life plan for these girls. They know the resources. From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like anyone bothered to use them before, but that may not be right. Also, if the girls are truly mentally disable, they will both qualify for Disability pay, which is enough (especially them living together) to pay their rent and bills. That's why I say get social services involved. 

You may find out they're NOT really disabled.


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## In Absentia

Enigmatic said:


> In your previous thread you shared evaluations on the twins which stated that they were both intellectually disabled.


I think it's called having learning difficulties these days.


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## Diana7

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would say if your wife wants to support these girls, divorce her and let her do just that. There are places like Kroger who hire mentally challenged people, but if the girls' parents didn't get them any practical training, they're just going to be a burden on someone or the state. I would report the situation to social services and let them pull some tricks out of their bag to figure out a life plan for these girls. They know the resources. From what you're saying, it doesn't sound like anyone bothered to use them before, but that may not be right. Also, if the girls are truly mentally disable, they will both qualify for Disability pay, which is enough (especially them living together) to pay their rent and bills. That's why I say get social services involved.
> 
> You may find out they're NOT really disabled.


I suspect they just havent had much education. That isnt being disabled is it.


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## DownByTheRiver

Diana7 said:


> I suspect they just havent had much education. That isnt being disabled is it.


I'd like to say it would be easy to check the school records, but that will have to be done through social services once their parents are gone. It's like pulling teeth to get records from schools. But yeah, the school records and notes would reveal what is going on there.


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## Enigmatic

Diana7 said:


> I suspect they just havent had much education. That isnt being disabled is it.


I think it's more than that. OP has a prior thread where he copied the evaluation from the psychiatrist. They were both classified with below normal IQ and had a diagnosis of intellectual impairment.


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## Diana7

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'd like to say it would be easy to check the school records, but that will have to be done through social services once their parents are gone. It's like pulling teeth to get records from schools. But yeah, the school records and notes would reveal what is going on there.


I


Enigmatic said:


> I think it's more than that. OP has a prior thread where he copied the evaluation from the psychiatrist. They were both classified with below normal IQ and had a diagnosis of intellectual impairment.


That's because he said their ' home schooling' was a joke.


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## DownByTheRiver

Enigmatic said:


> I think it's more than that. OP has a prior thread where he copied the evaluation from the psychiatrist. They were both classified with below normal IQ and had a diagnosis of intellectual impairment.


I have a next door neighbor female who I guess is in her fifties who is definitely low IQ but she lives alone and she works doing manual labor for a house flipper. Then she got some sort of horrible thing a few years ago suddenly that completely crippled her and she had to do pt and doesn't get around well but she is still functioning and working.

I really doubt these girls are any worse off than she is.

As long as these girls are young and reasonably physically fit, there's no reason they can't work in a warehouse doing something or in a Kroger bakery or any number of things.


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## TJW

DownByTheRiver said:


> Also, if the girls are truly mentally disable, they will both qualify for Disability pay, which is enough (especially them living together) to pay their rent and bills.


They have qualified, and are receiving, Social Security disability. The whole family is receiving housing assistance. I don't think they can continue to live where they are
without their father's income, but it may be sufficient in a one-bedroom apartment or flat.



DownByTheRiver said:


> You may find out they're NOT really disabled.


Actually, this is my belief. I don't think they will get a job at NASA, but I strongly believe they can be self-sufficient adults with a job and a driver's license and have enough money to get by. Physically, they are ok for work just about anywhere they can find some.

My BIL just called my wife at 4:00 AM crying because he can't crap on the bed pan. Does this tell you anything ? I'm ready to go down there and put that thing where he can't miss.....and that bloody phone alongside it..... 



Blondilocks said:


> This isn't love - it's actually callous and cruel.


Yep. Absolutely right. It is completely self-centered.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I really doubt these girls are any worse off than she is.


They certainly are not. They have been taught, by their parents, and the echoes of their grandmother, and their aunt is now falling into the "family dynamic", that they "can't" -
they are going to have to adopt a new belief-system in which they "can".... that's all....

I need a way to give them some "successes".....


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## DownByTheRiver

I think if you tap into social services they will probably know about all kinds of programs for job training and work entry programs who will teach these girls a skill and the sooner the better.


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## TJW

We have progress.

My BIL died yesterday. Their naysayer will now be a less-potent factor in their lives. The psychological impact he had upon their lives can now be compensated with truth and positive reinforcement and encouragement. With time, this will start to produce fruit. 

My wife told me she had been given a program by one of the hospital social workers. We will wait until these very tender days come to pass, and we will then attempt to get them enrolled. With him gone, we may actually have a chance.


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## DownByTheRiver

Let's hope those girls are so starved for intellectual stimulation by now that they will enjoy the program, but even if they don't it's for their own good. 

I know what young man who is not special needs but he is one of those who never wants to come out of his room and stop playing video games and isn't comfortable with people other than his family. He did go to work for Kroger, and I think it was very good for him and I believe he enjoyed it and made a friend there. When they put him on the register I went through the register a couple of times and he just seemed happier to me. As long as you can get them to cooperate at all and get started then it's really good for their self-esteem because that's what builds self-esteem, accomplishment.


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## ElwoodPDowd

TJW said:


> My BIL has now progressed to the terminal stage of kidney disease. He has been on dialysis now for about 6 years. His wife died about 9 months ago of cancer.
> They have two twin daughters who are now 21 years old.
> 
> Where, and to whom, can I go ?? Neither of these girls are employable by anyone. They both desperately need remedial education, training in life skills, etc.


At 21 years old they are both adults.
How is it your responsibility (or anyone else's) to take care of them?


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## MJJEAN

TJW said:


> We will wait until these very tender days come to pass, and we will then attempt to get them enrolled. With him gone, we may actually have a chance.


Perhaps sooner than you might think.

I lost my mother the day before my 21st birthday. I lost my son 2 years ago. And, in between, I have lost lovers, friends, family, and my STBSIL a week before his marriage to my daughter was scheduled. Grief is something I am all too familiar with. In my experience, the first couple weeks people coddle you. And it's necessary. You're not thinking straight, literally. And then the fog begins to lift, everyone starts going on with their lives, and you realize the world still spins and the sun still rises. But now what? There's a hole in your life. Things are the same, but changing, and there's this big hole still to be dealt with somehow.

A lot of people, myself included, fill the hole with some useful pursuit. Training, a class, a new hobby, whatever. Something to keep you moving forward, to distract, to give a sense of accomplishment, to maybe make your departed loved one proud.

Other people just fall into a hole and never really climb out. They stay wounded. They refuse to move forward.

Try to fill the hole for the twins with whatever programs you can that will help them toward some kind of independence and adult functionality. Get them moving forward before they have a chance to fall into the hole and go the other way.


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## TJW

ElwoodPDowd said:


> How is it your responsibility (or anyone else's) to take care of them?


It isn't my responsibility. But I would love to teach them that the rewards of work are better than the rewards of idleness....in spite of what many US politicians promise....


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## TJW

Well, what I figured would happen, has now happened. My wife has "taken over" the responsibility. She promised her brother that she would "look out for them". Which, of course, means to continue the same damnable overindulgent, "poor little morons who can do nothing" position, doing everything under the sun FOR THEM and allowing them to learn nothing. Protecting them from struggle at every turn.

I have done my Pontius Pilate act. Exit, stage right. Her and her entire family are continuing the sickness. But, I am not going to be part of it.


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## Blondilocks

TJW said:


> Well, what I figured would happen, has now happened. My wife has "taken over" the responsibility. She promised her brother that she would "look out for them". Which, of course, means to continue the same damnable overindulgent, "poor little morons who can do nothing" position, doing everything under the sun FOR THEM and allowing them to learn nothing. Protecting them from struggle at every turn.
> 
> I have done my Pontius Pilate act. Exit, stage right. Her and her entire family are continuing the sickness. But, I am not going to be part of it.


You really didn't think it would be any other way, did you? How long before they move in with you?


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## TJW

Blondilocks said:


> You really didn't think it would be any other way, did you? How long before they move in with you?


They might as well have already. My wife is over there at least every other day, and the infernal phone was busy last night for 4 hours with drama including that of a 4-way conference call between W, SIL, and the two girls. The mental ages of these girls is about 14. 

I've got a headache. 

And, no, I am old enough to know that the apples don't fall far from the tree. My W is also the victim of this SICK family.


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## Evinrude58

Cue the “your not supportive” and “you’re selfish” and “you’re not there for me emotionally” statements when you choose not to participate in the helicopter parenting.


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## TJW

Evinrude58 said:


> helicopter parenting.


Never heard this one before..... descriptive..... I looked it up, "helicopter" parents "do it" to "help them succeed" but they ultimately cause failure.....


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