# Please take me seriously



## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Please, I don't need to be told that I am paranoid or silly. Too many times, in my life, I have overlooked the little things only to regret it later.

Also, because this may seem like such a small thing to many, I fear I will not be taken seriously or that this is not important.I love my husband very much and am being cautious BEFORE anything might happen.

I know it may SEEM silly, but I am upset that my husband took a hit from a female co-worker's cigarette. 
Please, before you roll your eyes up in your head,  my husband is not a smoker. We quit about a year ago and strangely, in the last 2 weeks we were both talking about how proud we are that we quit AND that neither of us even crave cigarettes. My husband even said he has no desire to smoke and the thought makes him sick. He also said he thinks smoking would make him sick to his stomach.

The red flags to me are that he is not a smoker and the woman is of an ethnic group that he finds attractive. All along, he was coming home complaining about her to me, as if he really dislikes her.

I wonder why, being a proud nonsmoker, did he ask a woman he supposedly doesn't like, for a hit. She was outside the office alone and could be seen through the window.

I want to analyze the situation fairly...please be nice, and thank you.


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

Dellia, first of all, welcome to TAM! I have'nt been here long myself, but I can assure you almost everyone here is very kind and understanding and have a genuine desire to help, so don't worry!

As for your problem, I'd say the fact that he complains about her might be a way to divert your attention from something he doesn't want you to know. My motto is there's no harm in healthy paranoia, especially if it comes to spousal fidelity!

If you have the means, check his cell phone records and check the numbers. Has he been out at night or on weekends? Any other strange behavior? How're things in the bedroom? 

Infidelity manifests in many different ways, although there is usally a pattern or "script" many cheaters follow. Hop on over to the other boards on this forum; sadly, there are more than enough stories. 

I hope it turns out to be nothing. Keep us posted!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Red flag 1: He was complaining about her to you...to throw you off the scent.

Red flag 2: lying about quitting smoking. He could be smoking at work, you don't know.

Red flag 3: He took a drag off her smoke...but he doesn't like her? Why was he so close to her and hanging out? Hmmm...

You aren't being paranoid. There could be something here.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I agree. My H does this. Talks bad about women he is secretly atracted to. Just keep your eyes open....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Meatpuppet, Thanks so much. I appreciate your attitude and kindness. He has never cheated, as in an affair, but has made me feel very bad by staring at women in front of me (alot). That fact does haunt me. I just know that every big problem on here did start SOMEWHERE, with just a small thing.

I told my husband I think it was odd what he did and he blew up which is only the first time ever that he yelled AND hit his fist on the table.

I don't think I am silly for thinking this was an intimate move on his part, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
Thanks


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

that_girl, yes, and I confronted him with what you say in #3. He says he saw her and stepped out...what made him do it, and this is what I asked him...he said he wanted to know what it would feel like which goes against all he said in the past 2 weeks about smoking...to take it from someone who you are supposedly mad at, you will ruin your near year of being smoke free for one drag!?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

How about a couple more details.

Did you see it happen? Or did he or someone else tell you?

Are there other signs?

Or is it possible that he is sneaking an occasional smoke, and she just happens to be the one who smokes around him?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

twofaces, yes, thanks


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Dellia;540484
I told my husband I think it was odd what he did and he blew up which is only the first time ever that he yelled AND hit his fist on the table.
[/QUOTE said:


> another red flag
> 
> hes throwing them around like confetti


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Mistys dad, he definitely does not smoke....also he confessed to the one hit...I had to ask the other questions. But, just because he told me about the hit, doesn't cancel the red flags.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

How did you find out he took a hit off her cigarette? Did he feel bad about it and come out and tell you?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best, this really does strike me as odd, as well....he never loses his temper, really....has never hit anything before.....he said I was calling him a liar and I had to just stand and look at him strangely because sure, I didn't like what he did and questioned him but I NEVER said he was a liar.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I feel what he did was an intimate gesture. Am I strange for thinking so?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IF in fact he may be doing something or even if he isn't but thinking about it, now that you are seeing these red flags and calling them to his attention, he may become better at hiding things now. You need to keep your eyes and ears open. 

IMO, if this hit off the her smoke was all so innocent he wouldn't have blown up like that.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Jamison, he told me by smiling and saying, "I have a confession to make". I wasn't alarmed and when he told me, I did say that I am not mad at him but I am disappointed...then the next night I said after thinking about all the factors, I am concerned and a bit upset.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I just fear he is attracted to her.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Dellia said:


> I just fear he is attracted to her.


He could be. And there may be nothing going on at all. However, IMO there was no need to have a hit off her cigarette, especialy since he has quit. My guess is he did it to "impress" her. Which if thats the case, is another red flag.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Jamison, yes, and what do I do? I haven't been rude but I did tell him I would like to know what made him do it.
I had initially asked him if he had been tempted to smoke. He said, "Not at all". Well, had he said YES, then I could understand it alot better, you know? He wasn't tempted by the cigarette? Then WHAT drove him to it? I am very curious.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

The only thing I know to tell you at this point to try, is to just drop it for now. Don't mention it for awhile and just see what happens. Lay low with things. 

He already knows you are upset about the smoking thing. You said yourself you think he could be attracted to her. Give a little time and see if anything else develops, because right now his guard is up on the whole thing.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

CallaLily, yes, and thank you.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

When I smoked, I wouldn't let just anyone take a drag. 
I'd have to know them and consider them a friend so I'd say there is something more familiar there than there should be.

People who are cheating suddenly get protective of their phones and computers. 
Has he been texting a lot? Does he take his phone everywhere?
Is he secretive about his online activity? 

If something is forming between them, then they'd be communicating outside of work.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

The_Swan, thanks for your input. I have to be honest; nothing is going on unless it's merely attraction. I just worry with so many poor marriages and want to know and stop anything before it does get out of hand. 
Also, I want to know that I am not being ridiculous for feeling there are some concerns here. Thanks


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Here is another possibility too. 

Even though he tells you he hasn't or doesn't want to smoke again, maybe deep down that urge to want to smoke is still there. Maybe he feels if you knew how he really felt about wanting to smoke again or having the urge too, you would become upset. 

It could be that, instead of going out and buying a whole pack of cigs or even bumming one off another person and smoking the whole thing, maybe him taking one hit off this womans cig was a way to satisfy that urge for the time being?

Maybe he felt bad or even guilty for feeling like he wanted to smoke again, perhaps thats where his anger came from when he hit the table. That is, if thats even the case. I'm not saying what he did was right. I'm also not saying anything is going on with this woman he took the smoke off of. But for right now, as someone mentioned just be on the down low for now.


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## BreatheLove (Dec 30, 2011)

Well lets see, if He praised her in front of you, you would have her in your mind 24x7, wouldn't you? He played his cards well by showing lack of interest towards her in front of you to convince you.
Second thing, people invariably lie to their partners about quitting drinking or smoking, and most of them are later caught!
Did you keep nagging him about his smoking, because this is how most men who do not want to quit but get rid of their wife's nagging handle things. They lie.
But just because he took a hit from another lady doesn't mean he will be cheating on you. You did not elaborate about his behaviour towards you, which might give a clearer view to everyone.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Here is another possibility too.
> 
> Even though he tells you he hasn't or doesn't want to smoke again, maybe deep down that urge to want to smoke is still there. Maybe he feels if you knew how he really felt about wanting to smoke again or having the urge too, you would become upset.


more so than leaving her to think he may be interested in another woman?
i dont buy that.

with the taking a drag from her cig, it may have been more of a mental thing kinda like a guy that sniffs a womans clean underwear, why?
there is hopefully no lingering odors, its the mental picture.
and yes, i do this before anyone asks.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Red flag 1: He was complaining about her to you...to throw you off the scent.
> 
> Red flag 2: lying about quitting smoking. He could be smoking at work, you don't know.
> 
> ...


1 :iagree:
2 :iagree:
3 :iagree:


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

BreatheLove said:


> Well lets see, if He praised her in front of you, you would have her in your mind 24x7, wouldn't you? He played his cards well by showing lack of interest towards her in front of you to convince you.
> Second thing, people invariably lie to their partners about quitting drinking or smoking, and most of them are later caught!
> Did you keep nagging him about his smoking, because this is how most men who do not want to quit but get rid of their wife's nagging handle things. They lie.
> But just because he took a hit from another lady doesn't mean he will be cheating on you. You did not elaborate about his behaviour towards you, which might give a clearer view to everyone.


Did he really show lack of interest in complaining so much about her? 
He actually nagged me to quit smoking...it was much easier for him than me because he smoked alot less than I did.
He clearly stated that he had no temptation to smoke even after the fact...I bet he now wishes he had said that that was what made him do it, because I could have understood that a little better.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

Dellia said:


> The_Swan, thanks for your input. I have to be honest; nothing is going on unless it's merely attraction. I just worry with so many poor marriages and want to know and stop anything before it does get out of hand.
> Also, I want to know that I am not being ridiculous for feeling there are some concerns here. Thanks


One thing I have noticed about affairs is that the cheater doesn't wake up with the intention to cheat. 
Little things start to develop between them and the other person slips into his\her life. 

Check phone records, too. If he is texting, it will show up. The CWI forum here is informative, too. 
You may get some ideas on how to keep tabs on him and other behaviors to look for. 
Keep an eye on his behavior and keep us informed, please.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Meatpuppet, Thanks so much. I appreciate your attitude and kindness. He has never cheated, as in an affair, but has made me feel very bad by staring at women in front of me (alot). That fact does haunt me. I just know that every big problem on here did start SOMEWHERE, with just a small thing.
> 
> I told my husband I think it was odd what he did and he blew up which is only the first time ever that he yelled AND hit his fist on the table.
> 
> ...


Be careful with the never because we never really know what our spouse is capable of or self for that matter. With that said, I have a male friend that looks women up and down when he is out. His wife is very beautiful but it is so disrespectful to do it so uncaringly. It screams *no self control* to me when a man looks at another woman to the point he can't take his eyes off her with his wife right there. I didn't say anything then, but I brought it up later. I told him as beautiful as his wife is, he needs to look at her that way.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Jamison, he told me by smiling and saying, "I have a confession to make". I wasn't alarmed and when he told me, I did say that I am not mad at him but I am disappointed...then the next night I said after thinking about all the factors, I am concerned and a bit upset.





Dellia said:


> I just fear he is attracted to her.


 
Does he sometimes do things to make you jealous?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

The_Swan said:


> One thing I have noticed about affairs is that the cheater doesn't wake up with the intention to cheat.
> Little things start to develop between them and the other person slips into his\her life.
> 
> Check phone records, too. If he is texting, it will show up. The CWI forum here is informative, too.
> ...


 
And also is the co-worker the aggressive type? Is she single or married?


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