# Is this abuse?



## Kit (Sep 27, 2011)

Long story short our relationship has been going downhill for the past year, after the birth of our son. We had problems before but things really went bad when romance, sex, love, friendship all died out. We essentially have little in common, have different beliefs/values/views/interests and don't agree on anything. Its unfortunate it took me so long to realize how incompatible we truly are. (Marriage is just shy of 3 years currently and we got married young).

Well, we used to argue frequently, now we rarely speak and we hold everything in until we have a big explosive argument. 

Today we got into a big one. It started with a disagreement on parenting. Basically, son was having a tantrum over not being allowed to play with something he should not play with. So my son walks up to me having a screaming-tantrum and hubby grabs him and smacks his hand hard and yells at him. When he goes to smack his hand again I reach to push hubby's hand away and this pisses him off. (We disagree on discipline - he sees this punishment as the go-to solution for most everything.) He starts yelling at me and threatening to hit me/smack me, etc, just going off. He's within an inch of my face just threatening violence and cussing. Well, stupid me, I engage and yell back at him - I should have disengaged but I'm not perfect and very bad about backing down and taking crap. I'm just yelling nonsense about what the hell is his problem and why does he always see violence as the solution, etc, etc. And he goes on to call me a ****ty mother and how our son *only* throws tantrums around me so that makes me a bad mother.

When the argument cools a tad and I ask him why he threatens me like when we argue.. he says its because I push all his buttons and that if I had been a stranger I would have been punched right away. So he is externalizing the blame for his behavior on to me. Is it my fault? Or does he just have anger management issues..? Well, he was fired from his previous job due to anger management issues - arguing with an armed and angry customer - but I'm going off topic here.

He has threatened me with violence in the past, threatened to shoot me (when he owned a firearm or two), threatened to take my son, threatened divorce and leaving me. He never has acted on these threats but I feel like there is a chance he might some day. The fact that he will do this in front of our child really scares me.


I am seriously considering separation or divorce now, I didn't want things to go this way. I plan to at least get a divorce consultation tomorrow. I don't want my son to grow up in this kind of home.

Be honest with me. Is this abuse? Am I to blame for this? Have any of you been through something similar?


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

It's abuse and you know it is. Your son should not have to grow up in a violent home. I suppose you can try and suggest marriage and individual counseling for your H but only you know how he would react to those suggestions. I would also suggest you get some counseling as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here, but I had to respond. Yes, it is abuse. Most think of physical abuse as the only form of abuse, but there is also emotion, mental and verbal abuse.

Based on what you have written, you and your son are being abused.. and also, an abuser will always blame others for their awful behavior.

If you bring attention to their behavior and/or how they hurt you, most times you will hear "you made me act like that", or "you're being to sensitive", "you're being silly"... etc. These are tactics they use whether they realize it or not. 

Anger is also a manipulative tactic, it is used to promote fear in the other individual.

All of it is done in order for the abusive spouse to be in control. If you do a search on controlling behavior and why they behave that way, it will help you gain some insight into the mind of the controller. Their control issues has nothing to do with their partner and everything to do with their own issues of insecurity and fear.

Also, many times, this is a learned behavior from childhood. Anything short of counseling will not change this behavior.

Please, do not allow your husband's issues to become your own.

I would also suggest counseling for yourself. They will teach you how to set boundaries and how not to internalize your husband's behavior and how you are not responsible for your husband's actions.

And also, because of your son, I feel it would be best to separate until your husband gets help. Your son will learn (if you stay) this is the way relationship are if you stay.

Your husband needs to be accountable for his actions, and by staying and putting up with it will only teach him that he can get away with it and most times, will have no reason to change.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes.
You can leave and go to a safe place and report his behavior to someone who will force him to get help. SOMEONE has to put a stop to this sort of behavior going on in a child's house. That person would be you, because clearly it wouldn't be your H. Also, I do not think a child who is that young needs discipline or punishment only a safe, secure, predictable environment with boundaries with which to guide him...if he wanders outside of those boundaries, redirection is key, and reinforcement of behaviors that you would like to encourage. All children have tantrums this is because they have no other way to express their sentiments such as anger, frustration, fear, hunger, thirst, fatigue, general pains of growing (teething, stomach disturbances...), boredom. We act all happy when our children smile and laugh, expressing themselves...but when they also express themselves in terms of negative emotions, which are JUST AS valid, because those emotions make us feel panic ourselves, at maybe not having developed empathy or thinking we are bad parents, our instinct is to punish that expression, rather than to encourage it so that we can figure out the source and help the child through it. 

Being hit by a parent or witnessing yelling and screaming is just going to lead to more expression of emotions. If he continues to live in such an environment he might withdraw or have failure to thrive. Or become untrusting of others and develop an aversion to anyone who wants to help him, maladapt to nursery or preschool or grade school, bite other children, or even develop self-punitive behaviors like bashing his own head against a wall (for which you as a caregiver will be blamed).

Yah, your husband threatened to shoot you and that is scary. But personally, I'd rather be dead trying to save my child from a bully, and myself, than to live in such a situation. I would never live with someone who threatened to shoot me, and tried to blame me for it, and also never live with someone who threatens to kill himself in a manipulative way (as a form of control). 

Consider that most women cannot tell their husband is an abuser until after marriage and children, when the abusive person thinks he has a victim who cannot easily walk away. Prove that he is wrong. Forget all the things about money, legal issues, etc. Just do what you know you should and worry about logistics and what people will think, etc. later. You deserve a real home. Not all men are like your husband.


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## Kit (Sep 27, 2011)

His emotions are really volatile. One day he'll be fine and telling me he loves me and would do anything for me, the next he's threatening, and then the day after he gives some sort of apology and goes on like normal until the next incident. Like this morning he told me that he is sorry and that he was wrong and won't do it again. But I don't believe him and I don't love him anymore.

What makes the situation harder on me is that his mother lives with us. She agrees with his style of parenting most of the time (punishment) but she disagrees with both of us on some things and wants our son to be raised the way she sees fit. She was also there to witness the whole fight and she was not even bothered by his threatening behavior but afterwards yelled at both of us for arguing in front of the kid. I find it kind of odd that the threatening behavior was not more offensive to another woman. I wonder if its because she's numb to it, having been physically abused by her ex. I don't understand.

I'm trying to figure out a budget so that I can move in to an apartment away from him. Trying to make a plan of action. The only way I'd be able to make it financially is on government assistance like food stamps/WIC. I work part-time and am also a student.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, serious verbal abuse. Take his threats seriously!

My ex h was very verbally abusive. He even just about killed my baby and I in one of his rages. I left after one year, funny thing happened, a gf of his moved in 3 days after I left. I knew he was also a serial cheater. I would not put out for him either due to the unfaithfulness.

17 years later I've met a wonderful man and we have been married 12 fabulous years. Not once has my current husband raised his voice towards me in these last 13 years together. 

Get out now, their behavior only gets worse as time passes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Kit said:


> I'm trying to figure out a budget so that I can move in to an apartment away from him. Trying to make a plan of action. The only way I'd be able to make it financially is on government assistance like food stamps/WIC. I work part-time and am also a student.


Don't get an apartment. That makes you a sitting duck, because you cannot predict where is going to be best for you and your child. Just get out. Go to a shelter or an organization and they can help you find a safe place to stay while things are being settled. This is a better course of action. 

It sounds like you will have no problem handling life once you are out the door, whereas if you stay where you are it is not a life, it is just staying alive and hoping for someone to change when you know they have no intentions of doing so. This is called 'slot machine syndrome'. Trust me, you will feel a lot better once you have made the first step. After you are out of that environment you will discover parts of your brain that you forgot about. And they will work, and you will hear yourself say to yourself, what the heck was I thinking, living that kind of life when there was a completely alternate life wihtout all that trauma and drama available to me?


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## FMS (Dec 20, 2011)

Yes it is abuse! Been there done that. You need to get out for yourself and your son but I would also highly suggest reading the book 

"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. 

Your husband is manipulating you in every way and then putting the blame and guilt on to you for his behavior. There is nothing wrong with him being upset but YOU did not control his behavior to the situation but he would like you to think that you did. Dont play this game with him...because that is what it is! Order this book from Amazon TODAY! After 7 years of me being in a relationship like this...the light bulb is finally turned on! Please be safe!


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

YES...it is most definitely abuse. It took 3 counsellors to get it through to me that it was abuse. I am intelligent, articulate and a caring person....but I did not want to believe that my husband would do awful verbal, emotional and physical abuse. He told me it was all my fault... I triggered his behaviour.... I was told many times that he is responsible for his own behaiour.
You are an easy target...more so than the man with the gun!
Start to look at the behaviour not what he says that tells you more about him. Take a step back and watch and learn then you will see him for what he really is..... An Abuser.
Take care and good luck and hope you find the strength to move away from him as far as possible.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Kit said:


> His emotions are really volatile. One day he'll be fine and telling me he loves me and would do anything for me, the next he's threatening, and then the day after he gives some sort of apology and goes on like normal until the next incident. Like this morning he told me that he is sorry and that he was wrong and won't do it again. But I don't believe him and I don't love him anymore.
> 
> What makes the situation harder on me is that his mother lives with us. She agrees with his style of parenting most of the time (punishment) but she disagrees with both of us on some things and wants our son to be raised the way she sees fit. She was also there to witness the whole fight and she was not even bothered by his threatening behavior but afterwards yelled at both of us for arguing in front of the kid. I find it kind of odd that the threatening behavior was not more offensive to another woman. I wonder if its because she's numb to it, having been physically abused by her ex. I don't understand.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out a budget so that I can move in to an apartment away from him. Trying to make a plan of action. The only way I'd be able to make it financially is on government assistance like food stamps/WIC. I work part-time and am also a student.


I think you will find that he has Borderline Personality Traits...visit BPD famiy forum...that will give you some insight and loads of help on what you are dealing with.
I left with no money and a few possessions(and we had a business together and mortgage free home) but I would rather be in this really awful financial situation than spend another day with him. Go to a womens Refuge Centre or just even call them they will help you get away. I spoke to them here in the UK and they were so supportive. It will be the same in the USA they will give you as much support as you need. Take Care and Good Luck


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## eternal_optimist (May 30, 2012)

Get out now. Emotional abuse is toxic enough without the threats of actual physical violence. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be, trust me. It sounds like you are afraid to admit it because you are afraid to make the necessary changes, but a therapist can help you with this. If you can't afford one, there are resources out there to help you. Start looking for help in your area and good luck to you.


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## AIDE33 (Jun 1, 2012)

yes that is abuse the moment he threathen to shoot you with his firearm that would have been a redflag for you to leave him and keep you and your son safe . now he dont have his firearms but still threatens you to hurt you him self physically yes you need to seperate and divorce him before he hurts you and leave your child motherless


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