# coping with no sex



## Mace13 (Aug 29, 2015)

Hi,

I'm brand new to the site, reading a lot from people like me so here's my venting. I'm a 33 yr old man, married for 13 years, with 1 child. My wife and I had regular sex at first but within a year of being together it dried up. We will go months without any sex or intimacy of any kind (since April we have had sex once). 
She has blamed her stress for this, but no matter the circumstances it never changes. We are financially stable, good life overall, I keep in great shape (ex military so it's part of my life) and I openly do anything I can to be attractive to her (haircuts she likes, cologne etc). I'm a take charge guy so confidence isn't an issue, I own a nice ride, great motorcycle, I'm loyal, we split housework and cooking, but nothing ever gets her interested in me, yet she will cry if I'm gone for more then a day or two. And I've always been attracted to her, she is a wonderful person, funny and is still just as hot as the day we met.
The big difference for me is now I'm going to college to retrain since the military and girls flirt with me, I'm regularly hit on by women and for the first time in years I feel desired and I won't lie, it feels amazing. I've not acted on anything nor will I, but it makes me even more resentful that I'm 33 and can honestly say I've had sex probably less then 50 times in 12 years. So that's my rant, just don't want the next 12 years to be the same.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Mace13 said:


> The big difference for me is now I'm going to college to retrain since the military and girls flirt with me,* I'm regularly hit on by women and for the first time in years I feel desired and I won't lie, it feels amazing.*


It does, doesn't it? I know, I've been there and most unfortunately...I've "done that". You've set foot on a very slippery slope my friend. The fact that you like the feeling tells me that your own self esteem may be weak and you get a "rush" from the attention that women give. Trust me...I know this. Get your head together before it's too late and you've done irreparable damage to your marriage. Become secure in yourself and then perhaps work on your relationship with your spouse?

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

We can ask all kinds of questions about what might be going on with your wife but when push comes to shove SHE is going to have to make a choice.

Once you tell her what you're experiencing, (the confirming and validating feeling you are getting because women you encounter seem to desire you) and then explain that the sexual incompatibility is putting your marriage at risk, you can then offer to help her discover ways her sex drive might be better woken up.

Go here and read this WITH her! As in you both read it together, she reads a paragraph out loud and then you read a paragraph out loud.

The Arousal Principle: The Complexity And Simplicity Of Female Erotic Desire*|*Pamela Madsen

do you know when you want it? | the dirty normal

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201010/do-you-understand-female-sexual-desire

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201301/cracking-the-code-female-sexual-desire

All the links say essentially the same thing. Men typically have spontaneous desire, meaning the desire for sex just happens even if they aren't aroused. Women typically have to FIRST be aroused and THEN they want sex. What this means for your wife is that it's okay if she isn't exactly in the mood for sex because once her mind and body are engaged, she will then desire sex. It means she simply has to relax and let you get her aroused and then she will want sex.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Let's see. She's withholding sex. She's insecure (probably because she knows she has earned abandonment and fears she will get exactly that). I'd suggest you and your nice ride find someplace to go. Take the apron off. Quit blowing powder sugar up her behind and give her an abundance of alone time to imagine you in all sorts of scenarios with college coeds. Don't beg, don't plead, don't appear angry or frustrated. Just appear to have other interests that don't involve her. If she's reasonably intelligent she will figure out if she doesn't want to be alone 100% of the time, she will remember where she put her libido. If she doesn't, you will have increased in confidence, developed new interests and relationships, and you will have options you don't presently have. She may be more of a habit than a romantic or sexual partner. Women are naturally competitive. You don't need to go out and mess around but there's no harm in letting her imagine that you very easily could if she doesn't get back into the game. Whenever I hear of someone going asexual shortly after the marriage, I am suspicious that they were putting on an act to trap someone in the marriage and they never had any intentions of actually being a full partner.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Get your head together before it's too late and *you've done irreparable damage* to your marriage. Become secure in yourself and then perhaps work on your relationship with your spouse?
> 
> Good luck.


Welcome to the new poster.

As I see it, she has done irreparable damage to their marriage. He is trying to fix the relationship and she is doing nothing. It takes both people to work on it.

Ultimatum time and then make a decision for your future. Trust me, this will only become worse in time. You are still young and healthy and should not have to deal with this.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
this rarely gets better. You will never get over having a bad sex life and she may never be interested in having a good one. Patience is not the answer - some of us have tried for a quarter century or more.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

I'm going through the same thing. Its been going on for 5 years and I have not a clue what to do about it. You are going to have to make a choice. Then its ultimatum time. It doesn't get better.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I suggest you listen to Anon Pink's suggestions. Also, put a time frame - at least in your own mind - on how long you will try to work on helping her change. That is, if she's even open to trying. I will say that a similar situation in my first marriage increased my detachment and unhappiness over time, killed any love I once had, and led to divorce. And having done so, I'm now far happier in all ways, and only wish I'd had the good sense to leave many years sooner. Don't waste much more time on her unless she is willing to make changes and actively does so.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I agree with most of the previous posters. But there are a few things you can do.

First, when you tell her that you need more sex, what does she say?

Next, make sure she gets checked out by her gynecologist. It could be something physical or, more likely, hormonal.

Get yourselves off to a marriage counselor who deals with this particular problem.

Most important: tell her that you are willing to work with her to solve this problem, if she is willing to do the same.

But the basic problem remains. It could just be that her libido is gone and can't be restored. In that case my advice would be to try to divorce on friendly terms because you can't live without a sex life.

I'm sorry about this, but you are not alone.


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## MyCoolUserName (Aug 29, 2015)

I feel ya, man! except my wife hasn't bothered keeping in shape or doing housework while I'm at work or anything like that. I've been trying to find solutions constantly since a month into our marriage and haven't found anything. My only suggestion would be to check with a doctor...could be depression or a hormonal balance issue.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What are you doing that requires you to be gone for more than a day or two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Anon Pink has some great tips. Have you told her DIRECTLY, not just hinting around about it, that remaining in a sexless marriage is a deal breaker for you? That you will work together with her on it, but you will not remain in the marriage this way. You can be compassionate, but direct.

Also add to the reading list The 5 Love Languages and His Needs, Her Needs.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Just remember that if you divorce due to lack of sex your next relationship may end up the same way. So do you leave each relationship when you don't get enough sex? I think not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Okguy said:


> Just remember that if you divorce due to lack of sex your next relationship may end up the same way. So do you leave each relationship when you don't get enough sex? I think not.


Should you fire every employee who refuses to work or just suck it up and tolerate them? If you have to divorce a man because he beats on you should you leave the next one if he beats you as well?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You missed my point. I am saying that no one can be guaranteed a certain number of sexual encounters. You may start off with a lot and then it gets less. That's what is happening to me and could again with another partner


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The following path has worked wonders:

1. a clear articulation to your wife on expectations you have of marriage. No guilt, no pointing fingers, just clear articulation of your expectations, and a pause for her to speak hers. Then walk away or change the subject.

2. undergo a massive self-improvement program. Fitness, clothes, career, whatever. Compile a list of your top 3 weakest spots, then start to work on the one that you can effect the greatest change most quickly. Then move on to the second one. And shut up about it to your wife, just do it. 

3. Do not emote to her in any way, shape, or form. Answer questions, but do not emote.

4. Once your top 3 weakest things are in hand... initiate sex every day. I'm serious about this; initiate directly. No dancing around it, no massages, no 'niceing' her into bed. Just passionately and directly initiate.

5. she will respond, or she won't. If she does, great, keep it up. If she doesn't... it's your way or the high way time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If you have manufacture sexual chemistry there is no sexual chemistry. Take away from that whatever you like.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Initiate every day will never work.


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## alanikate (Aug 31, 2015)

May I ask how old your child is? I can just tell from my perspective as a mother of two. After giving birth to my first one I was totally out of the game. No sex drive at all, I just felt so different. Looking back I was overwhelmed with the new task of being a mom and developed a very subtle depression, nobody could tell that I was under great emotional stress, even I had difficulties to see what my real problem was. I went to a therapist after three strange years and about only ten times in bed with my husband...

It made a big difference! Now I'm 30 and we've got a second child. I would love to have sex regularly now. But not my husband. We kinda switched seats. I hope this will change again. My husband has a difficult time with his parents who are both very sick, he works a lot and still helps me so much with the kids. I think he's just tired. And he doesn't care much for himself. 

I never thought that sex would be an issue in our marriage. We're married for 4 years now and I love my husband very much. But I don't want to imagine living the rest of my life without sex. I'm too young! But I'd never leave him. So we will have to work on it. Our daughter is 9 months old now. When she's a little older we'll take the kids to my parents and go on a second honeymoon


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Okguy said:


> Initiate every day will never work.


No it doesn't. But if you don't and you get to the point of breaking up, OP doesn't want to hear "well you never tried to initiate with me."

He's better off trying every day. Down the road he can say "Honey, I tried to initiate every day (and shared chores, and had non-sexual intimacy with you, and took care of the kids) and nothing happened. What are we going to do now?"


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I wouldnt tell her that you have others interested in you. That will have the opposite effect. You seem to want to stay in the marriage but havent told us why. I can tell you it wont get better. It has nothing either to do with your 'figure'. You can try counseling at least then you may find out what she finds wrong with you. You have a hard decision to make.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Okguy said:


> You missed my point. I am saying that no one can be guaranteed a certain number of sexual encounters. You may start off with a lot and then it gets less. That's what is happening to me and could again with another partner


True enough, but if you make your partner sufficiently unhappy, they will most eventually leave you. While nobody is guaranteed a certain number of sexual encounters, nobody is guaranteed a spouse or a joint checking account, either. We ignore the pleas of our partner at our own peril. This sounds like a woman who believes she's got it made and her participation in the relationship is no longer required.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

There are many other ways to show love other than sex. I'd love more sex but I'm not willing to threaten divorce to get it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Apply some backbone and do what? I am tired of telling her I want more sex.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Apply some backbone and do what? I am tired of telling her I want more sex.


So if you've discussed it with her and she is unwilling to change. You are also unwilling to enact any consequences to her not meeting your needs, what kind of advice are you looking for? 

The advice in this thread is more than adequate for your issue. You have 2 options,stay and accept this for the rest of your life or leave and move on.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Yea. I am aware of the two options.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

What consequence should be enacted? I am all ears.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Okguy said:


> Initiate every day will never work.


It depends on what you mean by 'work.'

> Let's say, controlling for all other variables, you have your standard 90% rejection rate. So if you initiate sex once a week, you're going to go on average 9 weeks without sex. If you initiate every day, you're going to go on average a week and a half without sex. Numbers can be a factor.

> Most guys I know need to learn how to initiate sex better. Not wishy-washy, not "let me rub your shoulders", not any of that passive aggressive garbage. Like crushing her into you with a passionate kiss and just starting to take her clothes off. If she says no or indicates in any way for you to stop, you stop of course. I'm not talking about "pushing" through a no. I'm talking about doing better than what I was doing at the time -- sitting next to her on the couch and saying "wanna do it?" This takes practice, of course.

> You are really trying to reframe the non-sexual marriage as a sexual relationship. You stated as such at the beginning, so you kind of have to live up to it, right?

> If she's never gonna be sexual with you you'd best know that within days or weeks, not months and years. This will accelerate towards whichever outcome it's going to be.

And, it worked for me. But I had to learn to take 'no' for an answer in a non-douchy way, and always have something else fun to do.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Okguy said:


> What consequence should be enacted? I am all ears.


Divorce.

Are you willing to risk your marriage over this?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

No. I am not.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So the consequence is put out or divorce? Give me a break.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There is option 3.

Destabilize.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Destabilize?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What are the nice things that you do for your wife every day or every week that makes her feel loved by you?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I do chores and cook. I complement her on a variety of things every day.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

The only help you have suggested is to threaten divorce. That is not help at all. Thanks for nothing.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Sarcasm is unbecoming


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ok. This is not easy, but it is effective.

First, you must address your responsibility. Clean up your side of the street. Handle all household responsibikities to the letter. Get fit. Read self improvement books. Start with Hold On To Your N.U.T.'s by Wayne Levine. It is the perfect jump off manual to begin to be a better man.

Second, stop all things you do for her. No more compliments, date nights, back or foot rubs, or initiating sex in any form. No more initiating dialogue with her over anything but basic household or financial issues. Initiate zero dialogue about the relationship. No more birthday or anniversary celebrations. 

Third, stay busy. Start doing things you have always wanted to do. I started taking boxing/muay thai classes two nights a week. Do these things without inviting her or asking her permission. Just simply say "I am going to my boxing class. I'll be home in a couple of hours." If she objects, simply smile and tell her you will see her I'm a few hours.

Here is the thing. You are in a dynamic where your wife is content to take from you yet is unwilling to give in the same manner. This is YOUR FAULT FOR ALLOWING IT. So what you are doing is simply reciprocating her effort.

Likely, she will eventually complain. When she does, simply ask her:

"What am I not doing that you want me to do?"

This is an opportunity. Your response?

"If you would like more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

If she is willing to be civil, discuss that what she needs in a relationship is no more important than what you need in the relationship.

If she gets rude or snarky, give her a very simple response:

"X (snuggling, listening, cuddling, quality time, date nights, etc.) is for couples in a relationship based on mutually meeting each others needs. Let me know when you are ready for that."

Then disengage. If she continues to get snarky:

"I am not okay with X (insults, being disrespectful, etc.)."

You continuing to chase your wife while allowing her to take from you is exactly why you are in this situation. Would you respect you knowing that?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

That is at least constructive. Thank you.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I should also point out we are in our mid 60s.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look, ok.

You have allowed this dynamic through complacency. Show her through actions, not through words, that this is not an okay situation.

One last thing. Smile. You must look happy as you are destabilizing. Even if you have to fake it at first. 

She must see you happy while not needing anything from her.

And three months from now, if she is content with the situation, you must seriously consider divorce.

But I doubt that will happen. It took two weeks of this for my wife to want no more to do with it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So you had to do this with your wife?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Maybe I missed something. Does age mean that you should tolerate her deprioritizing you in a relationship? 

You have allowed this to happen. It is in your power to fix it.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I did not allow this to happen. There were also health and family issues that came into play.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I did not allow this to happen. There were also health and family issues that came into play.


As long as you cling to a lack of accountability in this, you will continue to have the same problem: your wife will continue deprioritizing you.

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I have to agree that I don't think she will respond positively and many of those actions will damage the other aspects of our marriage that we enjoy. It appears that I either accept infrequent fantastic sex or consider divorce. Doing that at 64 years old is concerning. I certainly don't want to start dating again with the main goal of having more frequent sex.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

How do you make a low sex drive person change?????


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem is not sex. Sex is the symptom.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Symptom?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem is her lack of priority in her life for you. If she prioritized you properly, sex frequency would improve.

Are you a naturally risk aversion person?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Not with her low sex drive it won't


I tolerate risk well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Not with her low sex drive it won't
> 
> 
> I tolerate risk well.


Yet you are unwilling to risk any destabilizing.

Which means you essentially just want her to change. Control.

Ok, Okguy.

Have it your way.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Seems like your solution is for me to do things that I like to do that don't include her. Then when she complains about this I can basically say that if I got more sex I'd be acting differently towards her. So basically it's a bribe. More sex or I'll treat you like crap.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Mace I apologize for inserting my personal situation in your thread.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> Seems like your solution is for me to do things that I like to do that don't include her. Then when she complains about this I can basically say that if I got more sex I'd be acting differently towards her. So basically it's a bribe. More sex or I'll treat you like crap.


What is amazing to me is that you are spending the time it took to make this post marginalizing your own needs in a relationship. 

And no, it is not about sex...for the third time.

It is not a bribe. It is you seeking alternate ways to make yourself happy by investing the energy, that you would have otherwise put into her, into yourself instead.

Ultimately you are teaching her that if she expects to be prioritized, you expect the same. Right now that is not happening.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree with doing other things to make myself happy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okguy said:


> I agree with doing other things to make myself happy.


Honestly, not too many people can pull this off without coming off as passive aggressive. This isn't about you punishing your wife and refusing to include her until she spreads her legs. This is about you making you a priority to you. This is not to be done with anger or sulking or pouting. This is to be done with peace and contentment because you are genuinely enjoying your life because you are prioritizing your own happiness and not relying on your wife to make you happy. It will inevitably create emotional distance.

When your wife is fed up with you distancing yourself she will call you out on it. Right? She will feel the distance because it feels as if she is being deprioritized, and say something, right?

If you expect her to 1, take notice and 2, say something about it, then your wife is someone who 1, knows what she wants and 2, is willing to confront conflict in order to advocate for herself. Make sense?

You're unhappy about the lack of sex in your marriage. But it's been going on for a long long time and your wife has been operating under false assumptions.

1. That sex isn't that important, and consequently she has convinced you that sex isn't that important because you yourself have mentioned how the rest of your marriage is really good and don't see the logic in risking an essentially good marriage _just_ for sex.
2. That if she isn't in the mood she should not engage.

Both are false. Sex is vital in a marriage. She doesn't have to be in the mood, she just has to be open to become aroused. She just has to relax and allow herself to become aroused. If she doesn't become aroused after a while of trying, she doesn't have to have sex. But if she becomes aroused and wants sex, you have sex.

I think if more men and women understood responsive desire sex wouldn't be such a damn battle ground. Women think since they're not in the mood sex shouldn't happen, failing to recognize that many times they can be aroused and then they want sex. 

Women have been measuring their sex drive against the wrong parameters. 

What if we all understood that sex drive isn't what we thought it was? What if women and men understood that arousal drives the desire for sex? So when someone says "they're not in the mood" it actually means they aren't aroused enough to want to have sex...at that moment? "I'm not in the mood" actually means "I'm not aroused" so sex isn't something I want. So when you're wife says she's not in the mood that means you've skipped a few steps in initiating sex. If she won't allow herself to become aroused (because sex has become a battle ground) than that is a separate but more important problem.

This is why it isn't really about sex. It's really about understanding each other's needs and desires and recognizing that each of you have important emotional needs that the other must be cognizant of and responsive to.

This is why you sometimes have to destabilize the marriage in order to get your point made. *Your emotional needs matter too*. This is what @MEM11363 boils it down to. 

Yes, sex matters.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Yes sex matters. Yes she knows I need more. Yes she seems to feel badly about it but so far nothing has 
changed. The odd thing is that when we do it she really enjoys it and is very orgasmic.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

She has also been ill off and on and we are dealing with a daughter divorcing an abusive husband.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> She has also been ill off and on and we are dealing with a daughter divorcing an abusive husband.


That must make it okay.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

It adds stress which is not conducive for sex.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I think Okguy actually summed it up perfectly some posts ago. Put out or get out.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I am not willing to restart my life at 64 simply due to infrequent sex.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> I am not willing to restart my life at 64 simply due to infrequent sex.


This is a false premise in that your life exists solely through your wife or your marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Okguy said:


> Seems like your solution is for me to do things that I like to do that don't include her. Then when she complains about this I can basically say that if I got more sex I'd be acting differently towards her. So basically it's a bribe. More sex or I'll treat you like crap.


You're looking at it wrong.

The fact is that you have needds and she has needs. Assuming that you have been meeting her needs (not thinking you have but KNOWING you have), then she should be meeting yours.

And when you start to pull away the explanation is that you've been meeting her needs but she hasn't been meeting yours and now you find it difficult to meet hers going forward.

It would be nice to have this conversation beforehand.

Try this:

1 - In a nice conversation, ask her what her needs are. Have her verbalize them. This is important.

2 - Start consciously meeting those needs. When you do, get her to confirm. For example, if one of her needs in non-sexual intimacy and you spent the night cuddling on the couch watching a movie, ask her whether she enjoyed that.

3 - After meeting her needs consistently for a few weeks you may see a change. If so, great. If not then you have another talk. "Honey, a few weeks ago you told me what your needs are. I think I've done a good job meeting them. For example [insert several examples here]. While I love meeting your needs, it's difficult to do so when you're not meeting mine."


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

To clarify. I enjoy my marriage and family to the point where I would miss them if I left. Oh Dad why did you leave mom? Because she didn't put out enough? Really?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> It adds stress which is not conducive for sex.


This is true, however...

Does stress mean that we get to stop doing the things that our partner needs to feel loved?

Maybe one day soon (and for the 4th time) you will realize THAT THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEX.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Chris I am positive her needs are being met. in and out of bed.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

If you are under stress and worried you generally do not want sex.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> To clarify. I enjoy my marriage and family to the point where I would miss them if I left. Oh Dad why did you leave mom? Because she didn't put out enough? Really?


Then sex isn't that important and stop complaining.

It is either important enough to initiate change, or it is not.

But what you are doing is simultaneously saying that it is important but not enough to do anything meaningful about it.

For someone of your age, you surely must have learned what fence sitting is.

When you are ready to do what needs to be done, I will be more than willing to contribute. Until then, enjoy the view from the top of the fence.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Yes sex matters. Yes she knows I need more. Yes she seems to feel badly about it but so far nothing has
> changed. *The odd thing is that when we do it she really enjoys it and is very orgasmic*.




Interesting. So what you're saying is that on the few occasions she consents to having sex she does become aroused enough to enjoy it. Would that be like saying, she only wants sex when she is aroused enough to enjoy it?

You haven't read any of the links about responsive desire. Dude, if you won't apply yourself to understanding why should she?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

She really only wants sex because she knows I do. Her pleasure is an added bonus for both of us. I always tell her I don't understand why she doesn't want it more since she obviously enjoys it.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

WOW.
6 pages, and I haven't seen mace since the first one. Talk about hijacking a thread.

OKguy....start your own thread.

Farside's advice is good though. I did just that, at 56 years old. and IT WORKED. Read about it in "new life" in this subforum.

In short. I don't think I've gotten as much sex in 34 years, as I have the past 3 months.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

I see


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Okguy said:


> So it's all the sex I want or the marriage is a sham? I don't agree


FFS... FOR THE FIFTH TIME IT IS NOT ABOUT SEX.

Are you this obtuse with your wife? She is probably holding out based on sheer resentment... Sheesh.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Far side you can't be married. No one would put up with your rude mouth


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Okguy said:


> Far side you can't be married. No one would put up with your rude mouth



Your hijacking threads is really poor form. Please post your own thread and stop hijacking others.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Initiating every day with a 90% reject probability is a good idea . Why not initiate 10 times a day and that guarantees sex once a day! 

It doesn't work like that. Those are not independent events.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Okguy said:


> I should also point out we are in our mid 60s.



Don't bother then - destabilizing works great on young doe eyed brides and maybe frazzled moms of three but not quite for deeply engrained hardcore cases. 

Have a revenge divorce and be done with it. People don't change in general and people in their 60's... They don't call us old geezers for nothing (I'm 55).


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

You know, 
I guess everyone has a sex threshold. Some people can handle once a month or even once a year. It all depends on how much of a horn dog you are.
I myself would go bonkers after about 1 week. I know this and my wife knows this.

Regardless of whether she is actively horny after so many days matters not. Just as AnonPink mentioned, it's all about responsive desire. Even if my wife is not necessarily interested, she is thoughtful enough to at least try to have sex. That's where MY magic must come in. Can I work her up into a frenzy? I'm sure as hell am gunna give it my best shot.

9 times out of 10 she is into it after we get started.

It's kind of like going to the gym. You have to get your asss off the couch, get dressed and drive to the gym. You look at the machines and say to yourself "shiit, I am tired and really don't want to do this." However, you press on, get going and work out. While in the shower and on the drive home you feel like a million bucks and are very glad to went to the gym. The more you keep doing this, the more you will like working out. Sex, IMO is the same, especially for responsive desire spouses. (female or male)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't think this is particularly unusual in HD/LD situations. My wife always physically enjoys sex - often very enthusiastically, but she very rarely wants sex.

I'm going start a thread do avoid derailing this one.





Anon Pink said:


> Interesting. So what you're saying is that on the few occasions she consents to having sex she does become aroused enough to enjoy it. Would that be like saying, she only wants sex when she is aroused enough to enjoy it?
> 
> You haven't read any of the links about responsive desire. Dude, if you won't apply yourself to understanding why should she?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mace, the answer to your case may or may not be similar. At 33 you have plenty of life left. It really depends on how easy it is to divorce where you are...


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

In my personal experience no sex is all about control and power. My wife uses money, sex and mental illness to try to control me. I don't know how to tell you to fix it because everyone is different but by taking away her ability to use it to get you to work harder for her attention or affection would be a place to start.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ok guy,

I love the post below. It's totally honest. 

By the way - at 64 - I'd have the same viewpoint. We might debate what 'infrequent' is, but not the underlying sentiment. 

And no offense towards anyone in this thread but - at 64 - some men have a lot less desire than when they are younger. 

How would you like it, your wife threatens to dump you, you can't keep up with her demanded frequency. 

That doesn't mean you have to 'bite the pillow'. You can tell her this is painful. 

In truth you could give her a sense of that - by comparison - not by punishment.

Ask her how she'd feel if, every time she wanted to talk to you about your daughters situation you said: I have a headache

But that can't be a threat. It needs to be more an attempt to create understanding. 





Okguy said:


> I am not willing to restart my life at 64 simply due to infrequent sex.


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

I am right there brother. 15 months of a celibate marriage. I choose to stay, finances and Retirement$$$. I love her and she loves me, there just is no desire for sex from her in 15 months. We kiss and hug, but nothing in bed. Really have no time for a affair so I suck it up and take things into my own hands so to speak. I dont see it changing, so maybe she wins. I hope I outlive, hefty insurance then party like its 1999. This is a decision I made and you will have to make your own. Just sharing my story


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## Youlovepink (Jan 4, 2016)

Lol


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Okguy said:


> You missed my point. I am saying that no one can be guaranteed a certain number of sexual encounters. You may start off with a lot and then it gets less. That's what is happening to me and could again with another partner


You're right it could. 

If you're stood in front of a moving bus you could step out of the way into the path of another bus but that doesn't mean that you just stay put in front of the first bus. You move out of the way of the bus and then next time you cross the road make sure that there isn't a bus coming first.

I don't get your logic. Stay in a bad situation because another one may be bad as well.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Your bus analogy is faulty


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Okguy said:


> Your bus analogy is faulty


I don't suppose you'd like to be a little more specific as to why would you? 

Not leaving a bad situation because there is a possibility that you might find another one might also be considered as slightly flawed logic in itself. 

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I know how you feel. I will skip the details because no one would believe me anyway. What I did was tell my wife that I need sex on a regular basis and if not her, then I would finds someone else. What I did was set up two sex nights that were mandatory with no excuses. No sex was required but attendance in bed was required. At first we just kissed and cuddled a little. After a few weeks we were having sex again. 

Here is the problem as I understand it. When we have sex our bodies produce a hormone called Oxytocin. Its job is to emotionally bond the couple. It is sometimes called the cuddling hormone for this reason. It is why frequent sex turns into making love. If you do not have sex you spiral into a situation where the less you have sex, the less you want to have sex. You lose the intimacy that you used to have. We basically forced us to have sex and that made us want to have it again.


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

How did you get her to agree to these mandatory sex nights? How old are you?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Wonka my point is that sex frequency is not something you can guarantee in any relationship. What starts off every day may over time be once a month. I know.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

DO NOT ask her about your sex life. She will apologize, explain she has lost her desire, it's her not you, and later explain how she does have the desire for a new kitchen and fancier house. First, you want to stop doing some of the things she likes because she is apparently happy with controlling the situation, and withholding sex. Try to be a little subtle. As others point out, go out a little and be unpredictable (sure she is not having an affair). 

Ideally you want to have a large fight where you explain the marriage is at stake and the things she likes. It's a package just like Jack the husband can't have multiple affairs and expect his wife to make a nice dinner and be pleasant and happy. She needs to understand that this is a marriage and determine whether she wants it to be fulfilling. 

That said, consider some type of romantic weekend and make sure when you do it, there's sufficient foreplay and staying power so that she is satisfied. 


Seems like your solution is for me to do things that I like to do that don't include her. Then when she complains about this I can basically say that if I got more sex I'd be acting differently towards her. So basically it's a bribe. More sex or I'll treat you like crap.


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