# In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/11/women-find-orgasms-elusive-in-hookups/?smid=fb-share

Is this true? Are orgasms more likely for you in a committed relationship? 

Going by the sex subsection, you would think that orgasms happen more often outside of marriage.........


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Love sex > NSA sex > ONS sex


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

For me, this is most definitely the case - because I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed relationship.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Yes it is true. It was true back in the day when I was dating and I am certain it is still true. I have never had sex outside a committed relationship and the reasons had nothing to do with religion or being a “good girl”.

*In my opinion, it is naïve to presume a stranger or casual acquaintance would have any interest in my sexual pleasure.*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it is like couples ice skating or dancing. The longer you practice with the same partner, the better you get with each other.
Before I met my wife, I had close to 40 partners (something I am not proud of) including belly dancers, Budweiser girls, and a 6'2" blonde bombshell and none can match the intense sexual heat my 5'1",cute but not a model, wife brings. Because we are committed and really love each other, we have really blown away both of our past experiences with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I've always thought that ONS's and casual hookups are a sign of weakness and low self esteem, not the confidence some people seem to think it's based around. I've had a couple in my day, I admit, and I can also say that I was in vulnerable places at those times.

I generally have no problem with them, except when it gets excessive. (and even then, it really doesn't affect me, so I don't really care, unless they are friends of mine). If you're going out and hooking up repeatedly, then you need to check your head and get into a better frame of mind and find a much healthier way of achieving the things you are missing in life. That's why these things tend to happen when we're younger - we're still not confident in ourSELVES. Bravado and machismo and whatever the female equivalents are, do not equal confidence.

That said, MOST of us have gone through periods like this in our lives, especially when younger, when this sort of attention is necessary, to a degree. We all need an ego boost from time to time. But when we're emotionally immature/insecure, this is always the easiest way to get it.

So it ends up being about feeling wanted, not about sex, which is, imo, why it usually doesn't end up being good sex. As I said in another thread on the same subject, it's about the pre-hookup, not the actual hookup. The making eye contact, the flirting, the approaching, and closing the deal. The anticipation. THAT'S what feeds the ego, not the actual act. I know, I've been there, exactly twice. And the whole thing is a rush and exciting, until you get to the actual sex. In both cases for me, as soon as clothes were off, that was all I was going to get out of it. Wouldn't have mattered if I went through with it or not at that point. There was nothing left to feed the ego.

It's like being challenged to steal, say, a painting from a museum. If you're successful in stealing it, you still can't do anything with it because it's well-known and not sellable. You might as well go through all the trouble of breaking in, bypassing all the security, holding it in your hands, then putting it right back. Your ego won't be fed any more than if you took it home with you.

That's how I looked at it after my experiences. I ended up getting the same thrills by flirting with women, or being hit on myself and not going home with them. No need to add to the "numbers" if the result, psychologically, is exactly the same either way. And in all honesty, a few times when I was hit on and I didn't go home with them, it actually had a greater effect on my ego than if I did. I made sure, the few times this did happen, that the girl wasn't insulted or hurt or that I was leading them on, and all was good. But I ended up getting more of an ego stroke knowing that I wasn't that type of person, than if I succumbed and went home with some girl I wouldn't remember the next week, let alone 10, 15 years later, and added to my "number".

And for what it's worth the two times I did end up going home with somebody, I did my best to ensure that these were not women who were desperate and who were clearly looking for somebody, anybody, or worse, looking to do this to spite their ex, or whatever the case may be. In both cases, I made sure (as sure as you can be over the course of a few hours) that they were there, in the moment and not doing this for some ulterior motive. A number of times I had opportunities to go home with somebody, but they were clearly not into ME. I could have been anybody. I have more self respect than that, and others should, too. ONS's should never be about "okay, who's left in this bar that isn't ugly". Or somebody trying until they find somebody. If you're the 7th woman some dude has hit on that night, have some self-respect and say no.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

In other news, the earth orbits the sun...

It's never bad to actually study these things, but it makes complete and total sense that hook-ups who aren't very familiar with each other have less satisfying sex than those who are in happy/committed relationships.

SH


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Best oral sex of my life was a ONS. Having said that, I haven't had an O on any other ONS occasion. I just can't trust a stranger enough to let go emotionally and have been generally too self-conscious and / or cautious.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ntamph said:


> *Is this true? Are orgasms more likely for you in a committed relationship? *
> 
> Going by the sex subsection, you would think that orgasms happen more often outside of marriage.........


Here is a break down... found this in my exploring info on orgasms for one of my threads....speaking of relationship types...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yeah - a partner who has known you longest and you've been able to "practice" with is generally better - add to that if it's a person you really trust with your feelings is even better. 

Still awaiting mind-blowing sex.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There's a lot more to sex for women than orgasms.



> In short, there is less to the idea that women are somehow being cheated by these kinds of sexual experiences [hookups, ONS] than meets the eye. Yes, some men may indeed be selfish, lousy lovers during a one-night stand. But sexual satisfaction -- to say nothing of why people have sex in the first place -- is too complex to make any broad social statement about whether inequality reigns in hook ups.


It's not just hookups: Some women never orgasm at all  - NBC News.com


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> There's a lot more to sex for women than orgasms.


Exactly. 

It's the emotional connection and all that goes with it. It's not about inequality... It's about not being prepared to settle for anything less than what brings us pleasure, happiness, joy, contentment and fulfilment.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is a break down... found this in my exploring info on orgasms for one of my threads....speaking of relationship types...


You know, I've been banging my head against a wall right here on TAM trying to tell some people this, but its the truth.

The best sex is with a committed partner.


And sometimes it takes time , even with a committed partner to reach peak sexual performance in a relationship.

The reason is simple.
Sex is not just a physical thing. In order to enjoy sexual intimacy and pleasure , certain chemicals must be present in the brain in copious amounts. The same chemicals that makes a person feel " in love."

Those chemicals, I suspect, are not present in sufficient amounts in ONS and casual sex.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

^^^ :iagree: CM.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

JustPuzzled said:


> But I am pretty certain that the idea of mind blowing ONS sex is largely a myth.


I don't think you can say it's a "myth", because it does happen. Just infrequently and rarely. Of course it'll be better with someone you know and trust and in it for the long haul with.

But, the stars can align on occasion, even with someone you just met.

The first time my wife and I did it, she had 5 orgasms, 3 different ways and it was the best sex I had had in years. (for those of you who know my past, she and I had dated for a few years way back in school. When we re-connected some 15 years later, we may as well have been completely new to each other, so past history/experience with each other had nothing to do with this "first time". We had never had this type of sex before, the first time around).

But.. it wasn't a ONS, so there's that. We had gone out a couple of times before this, so we hadn't just met or anything. I guess your point is the bar-pickup ons with a relative stranger, in which case it's unlikely the sex will be any good. But I do maintain that it CAN happen. Whether you want to go through a dozen ONS's in order to get one good one is entirely up to the person, and it wouldn't be worth it, to me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH is the only one to ever give me an orgasm with absolutely ZERO effort on my part.
I could orgasm with a hook-up but it was bc I was making an effort and doing things to myself..it had nothing to do with the person.

Sex in a committed relationship is smokin hot.Hook-up sex...eh,not so much now that I've seen how relationship sex kicks the a$$ of hook-up sex.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I agree with this thread.

Comfort with a person tends to lead to more orgasms for her... all other things being equal.

That said, my best sexual experience was a hookup and she had two orgasms. Overall though, I still think its better on average in an LTR. I even think there's a "best sex" period in an LTR - when the relationship is still somewhat young, but those lovey-hot feelings are still relatively fresh.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I still think its better on average in an LTR. I even think there's a "best sex" period in an LTR - when the relationship is still somewhat young, but those lovey-hot feelings are still relatively fresh.


Yep, totally agree!

I wish I knew the secret of how those people who have been together forever still have great sex all the time, though!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

alexm said:


> *I wish I knew the secret of how those people who have been together forever still have great sex all the time, though!*


I've been with my husband for 31 yrs...honestly, it's the "*emotional connection*", the Romance we share... 

There is no secret... it's just a deep abiding mutual pleasure... an outpouring of how we feel ..... we simply love "getting caught up" in each other.... the hormones have died down some... but not our desire to go there...to drink from our lover...and of course the fireworks of the grand finale..

Somehow this warms my heart and fills my soul at the same time...during...and his arms wrapped around me in the afterglow twirling my hair .... there is nothing more beautiful & exhilarating to me.. over getting lost in each other *like that*..it has the power to heal, give us hope, it's pure Joy/ acceptance......it's the deepest connection one can have with another.. 

The greatest pleasure God has given us to enjoy...it's new every morning.......


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

alexm said:


> Yep, totally agree!
> 
> I wish I knew the secret of how those people who have been together forever still have great sex all the time, though!


Impossible to compare since its all relative. Someone else's great sex, might be mediocre sex to you. Imo, great sex can't happen all the time anyway. In order to apply a superlative you have to have variance. Otherwise "great" is literally "average" that you enjoy.

"When everyone's super, no one will be." ~Syndrome, The Incredibles. 

Your average could similarly be someone else's great.


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