# Can't afford marriage counseling - need advice



## rteachj

My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 6). We were high school sweethearts, and we're both 26. In a nutshell, he acts like a 14 year old boy. This is probably normal. He is selfish and uncaring, unsupportive, doesn't fight fair, says hurtful things and claims to be joking, glazes over anytime I talk to him about something important to me (although when he talks about military stuff, I glaze over a bit myself), has always resented me for "wasting my intelligence and tuition money by being a teacher instead of something that will make us some money." We haven't gone on a date in years. When I ask him to go somewhere with me, he refuses. He hates going out to eat and to movies. His idea of a date is going to the gun range with him and all his friends. He spends unbelievable amounts of money on super-expensive hobbies (RC planes, model trains, reloading, you name it) and big-boy toys (such as the boat and motorcycle that we will probably never pay off, and never use, but he refuses to sell). He saps our bank account to the point where we might have $50 to last us the last two weeks of the month. We're living paycheck to paycheck because of his spending - we both have good enough jobs that we shouldn't ever have to worry about money. When I try to explain how I feel about anything, he gets defensive, claims everything is my fault, and suggests that, if I'm so unhappy with him, maybe we should just get a divorce. The "d" word has come up in fights since day one. He jumps straight to it when I express any unhappiness at all. He and I both have health problems. He never feels good, and I've been suffering from severe depression and anxiety since my dad died in January. He has not shown an ounce of understanding and has no idea how dibilitating depression can be. Also, before we got married, we had planned to have children by now. He has since decided he doesn't want kids at all. He's addicted to video games and does nothing but play them when he gets off work. He also seems to feel that sex is the entire basis of our relationship, because if I don't have sex with him every time he wants to, then I never have sex with him and I must not love him anymore. 

The last straw happened two days ago. I had discovered that he spent over $1200 on crap over the last two months, leaving us with $125 in our account, and still needing groceries and to put gas in both vehicles before payday. I told him I was worried about it, upset that he had spent so much without talking to me about it first, and completely stressed out about how we're going to get through the next month, and then having to start all over again, with no savings at all, with next months checks. He kept saying he wasn't feeling well and he didn't want to argue with me about it. That would be fine if he ever felt okay. He never feels good and he uses it as an excuse to not deal with our issues. And I told him that. This was his snapping point. He got up, threw something at the door next to my head, went into the bedroom and threw down my family heirloom chest of drawers, the pictures I have of my late father and my mom, broke the light switch, and threw a heavy box at my feet. Then said, "And you wonder why I always mention divorce." He slammed the door behind him. 

This sort of juvenile temper tantrum has only happened one other time in our relationship, so it's not a common thing. But it reminds me so much of my father - they are very much alike in many ways. But my relationship with my dad wasn't the best and I watched Mom get walked over my entire life until the day he died. I can't see living like that for 35 years like she did. I love him with all my heart. At least half the time he's loving, very affectionate, strong, smart, loves animals, has a strong work ethic. He's never hit me, and I have no fear that he ever will. He's never cheated on me. I do love him, just as much, if not more, as the day we got married. I also remember being at each other's throats for a few months after his father died in 2005. 

After he left the room, I sat and stared at the mess he'd made and thought about leaving him. The idea was so staggering that I couldn't think about it longer than a few minutes. I love him, but I'm unhappy a lot. How much of this is normal married stuff? How much should I be concerned about? We've been playing the silent game for two days now, and when our efforts to avoid running into each other fail, he acts as if I don't even exist. We're at a stalemate. I want to suggest counseling, but we can't afford it. And neither of us are religious, so going to our church isn't an option. I don't think he'd agree to it anyway, but he hasn't even given me the chance to suggest it. 

Sorry for the long post. I really just need to know if this is the normal kind of married problems or if I need to get out.


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## Blanca

-Im sorry about your dad. I dont think your H is going to be the best one to turn to right now. i know that sounds wrong since he is the first one you're supposed to be able to go to but its been my experience that that's not usually the case. I have some issues myself and i used to go to my H a lot. but i found out that was wrong b/c he's only human and he's struggling with his own issues. and ive also realized its not reasonable to expect my H to understand some of the things im going through. but that doesnt mean he doesnt care, it just makes him human. 

try not blaming him for not being able to help you. i know its hard- believe me- but you can help yourself. it does feel lonely, but that doesnt mean he's a bad person, or that he doesnt love you; it just means he's human. there's a lot of resources on the internet for depression. do things in the community, go to church, go to support groups, make some friends, adopt an animal. try and open up more avenues to help you instead of solely relying on your H. and work on your boundaries so you dont blame your H for your depression. 

-If your H doesnt want kids, that's a big problem. to me that would be a reason to consider divorce. but you might want to find out why the sudden change of mind. 

-i dont know what the root of your H's issues with money are but a book my H and i read called smart couples finish rich really helped us put our priorities in place. other then that i really dont know what you shoudl do about it.


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## Dark Angel

What will happen is eventually you will leave. It's likely only matter of time. I can draw some parallels from your story to mine.

I didnt listen to my wife's problems for years. She threatened to leave and I didnt buy it. She threatened again years later and I was finally smart enough to believe her.

By this time however she had built up so much resentment towards me, and done so many horrible things to get back at me that it fell apart, she left, and Im a mess.

Dont wait till theres nothing left to save. Check if there is anywhere local that will give free councelling, or a reduced cost. It may not be great, but its better than nothing.

Be prepared to draw a line in the sand for him as well. If he wont play nice,tell him you will leave * and mean it*. You back down and he wont take it seriously. Maybe he just needs a nice jolt to snap him out of it.

There are alot of self help books you could pick up too. I dont have any to recommend as I'm still a little new with this myself. others will chime in with some good choices.

You have to make a commitment *now* to do this with or without your husband. Even if it doesnt work, you will be a better person in the end.

I beg you not to leave it too long, or things will get worse.

Stay well.


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## StrongEnough

I would contact your local Catholic Charities. They provide counseling services on a sliding scale fee. Also many churches in your area may provide free counseling. Do not be afraid to call and ask. 
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.


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## Sensitive

Support groups are usually free and anonymous. I think depression support groups are pretty common. I wish they had more non-religious marriage support groups. I think it really helps to have people to talk to, in real life. I hope you have trusted friends or relatives you can turn to. I also think your husband needs the same. Do you spend time with family? I also read that spending sprees are a sign of bipolar, as are manic phases, or it could be just an anger management problem. Money and sex are very common problems in marriages. Welcome to the site, hope you find what you are looking for.


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## Sandy55

StrongEnough said:


> I would contact your local Catholic Charities. They provide counseling services on a sliding scale fee. Also many churches in your area may provide free counseling. Do not be afraid to call and ask.
> I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.


:iagree:


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## Julie

Teach,

This kind of sounds like my husband and I. You got together to young in life and maybe the two of you aren't really meant to be. (my H and I are 26/27 and have been together for 9 yrs.). My husband is a materialistic person... Wants/needs boats, motorcycles, wave runners to be happy in life. Me on the other hand I like to save my money because I want to be financially stable. Of course, I like nice things too, I just don't have to have them to be happy in life. My H pulled a stunt like buying a brand new pool table for $2000 one year. He took our entire savings.. I was so pissed I tried to return it. They wouldn't allow me to. Anyways 2 weeks later we needed the $$ because of something that came up. And of course we didn't have it. We had a pool table though |

After that I opened up my own savings account with my name only. He can't touch it without coming to me first. It is not linked to our joint accounts and it isn't even in the same bank. I just recently opened my own checking account. I am calling it my "leaving my husband account." 

My H has always thrown the "D" word around when we get into arguments. I have never said it... And I always wondered why he did. I now think it has to do with him being insecure. About 9 months ago I was fed up and we had one of our fights. I finally said. Yeah I think we should get a divorce. He knew I was serious and he completely changed his tone. 

I believe that my H and I got together too young. You really don't know who you are and what you want out of life until your like 24- 25 yrs old. And maybe you grow up and your spouse doesn't. Or maybe you want different things out of life now that your older.. This is what has happened to my H and I.

All I can say is really, truly think about it. What if you get pregnant... Is this how you want to live your life? Then you have to worry about staying together for the kids...

You should let him know that you want to open your own bank account cause he is not only spending his money but your money too.

Julie


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## JDPreacher

Oh Lord No...No Catholic...ugh! Sorry, nothing against Catholics but um, yeah...not the best place to get help.

There are many programs for income based help, look through the phone book or call a family therapist and get a recommedation. I know the Lutheran Church (not supporting them either, they are judgemental as well) who have support centers.

Preacher


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## preso

I'd be taking back the 1200 dollars worth of stuff he bought and using it to start therapy... at a place that weorked on a sliding scale since your incomes are low, it shouldnt cost much and they will work with you about the payment.


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## rteachj

The problem with sliding scale therapists is that we should be able to afford counseling. All they look at is income, which for us is plenty. Basically we make too much to qualify for sliding scale. Our problem is that we have too many bills - almost all of our income goes out right after it hits the bank. 
The freeze out is over and I've persuaded him to go to counseling, but everyone around here is at least $100 per hour. My insurance doesn't cover marriage counseling, but even if it did, that's still $50 per hour. If we go every week, that's $200 a month that we don't have. We're not religious, so going to any church-related counseling would make things really uncomfortable for both of us. 
As far as he's concerned, everything is great and our marriage is just fine. He has no clue how close to divorce we are, and nothing I say seems to sink in. I know in my heart that there is something there worth saving. And him agreeing to counseling is a huge deal (if you knew him and his personal history, it really is a big sacrifice) - which means it's worth it to him too. I'd hate for that to waste away because we don't have enough extra income. It seems extremely unfair.


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## Dark Angel

You need to somehow get his spending under control before anything.

Could you work out a budget with him so you could save some money for this?

Could you amalgamate some of your debt to get it under control? I you do this just make sure there is no more "extra credit" lying about or...well, I think you know what might happen.

I know you're frustrated, but you have made some progress. Be proud of yourself! Keep trying to work on solutions with him.

Take care.


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## JDPreacher

On alternative is on-line counseling...there are many places to get help either via phone, email or text...some charge by the minute, others have a flat fee...you can always look into that avenue.

Preacher


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