# Sexless, passionless, pondering walking out



## seulment (Sep 30, 2013)

My husband is a very good man. He takes good care of me, always loves to doing things with me, likes to travel and even enjoys going cloth shopping for me because this is for me. I know that he loves me and I am the entire world to him.

He however does have low sex drive and does it only several times a year. I brought this up to him once or twice and he says he will make an effort but does not change. I asked a few times and do not want to stress him out, so I gave up.

Because this is so few and far in between, even when it happens, it is actually very boring and monotonic.
Since I gave up sex, I think I gave up being a woman too, and started gaining weight.

A few months ago, I met my ex-boyfriend. We kept respectful distance and had a chat just as good old friends. But, after I met him, I started losing weight and went back to my old physical shape. I don't think I will ever go back to that x, because x is x for a good reason, but I realize I like the passionate relationship I had with him long time ago.

I no longer genuinely smile at my husband because of affection. I see him like my brother. He sometimes asks me why I hate him.

I am almost 40 years old but am pondering walking out of this marriage. No sex, no love, and no passion. I live once and do not want to live like this.

I am just worried about how much destruction I have to my husband's life by doing this.

Please give me any thoughts... Am I stupid to consider walking away just because of this?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Do you not love your husband?

It sounds a bit like you look at him as someone who needs to be taken care of, like a child. I think you do need to stress him out by saying to him point blank that you are going to leave unless he takes action on meeting these needs.

No relationship is perfect. With that in mind, would you want to stay if the sexless/passionless issue could be resolved? MC is probably a good idea.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If this is who he is, then you may have to leave him. You could consider him having medical tests first to make sure he is not low T or something else that is creating his low sex drive.

If he is unwilling to do this, or he does and they find nothing medically wrong, then I would D as well. I myself would not stay in a sexless marriage either.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It sounds like your husband is an EXCELLENT financial provider, but he is a POOR emotional provider.

As you have found out, you can have all the wonderful STUFF in the world (home, clothes, jewelry, travel) and it isn't squat compared to love, passion, joy, zest for life. THOSE are the 'things' that make life wonderful...not STUFF you can buy!

No one knows whether or not your H can change and become a more open emotionally-available, emotionally-giving person. Are you willing to give him one LAST CHANCE to try? If so, tell him that you are DONE living like brother/sister. If you're married, you expect a MARITAL relationship, not a SIBLING relationship. Tell him things need to change DRASTICALLY and permanently in the next 6 months.

If he's willing to go to Individual Counseling with an open mind to work on himself, then great. He better get an appointment set for next week at the latest. If he is UNWILLING to go to IC, then you already know that NOTHING will change and you might as well end it sooner than later.

If he goes to IC, tell him you will BOTH re-evaluate the relationship next April and see how each of you feels. Either way, you'll have an answer and a start on improving your life.

Good luck!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

seulment said:


> My husband is a very good man. He takes good care of me, always loves to doing things with me, likes to travel and even enjoys going cloth shopping for me because this is for me. I know that he loves me and I am the entire world to him.
> 
> He however does have low sex drive and does it only several times a year. I brought this up to him once or twice and he says he will make an effort but does not change. I asked a few times and do not want to stress him out, so I gave up.
> 
> ...


Its a deal breaker for you and thats ok. explain it to him and try to be as amicable as possible. 

do you work can you provide for yourself? if not then start looking for a job. 

But I think it would be wrong to try to take him to the bank so to speak.


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## seulment (Sep 30, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate that my worries are taken seriously.

One thing I was not clear about was that I am actually financially independent. The house is under my title, I make good money, have my own retirement plan. I helped my husband out to get his school finished and find his current job. At one point in the past, I was thinking to leave once he becomes financially stable and he is now. If the money is one and only concern for marriage status, then I really don't have a reason. He is just a very gentle and loving man except that he feels to me like my brother. 

I am worried about financial and emotional destruction to him if I simply want to walk out of this. But, I guess he should understand it and positioned to take a good measure of action, if I express my concerns. 
But, still, I am sad for my youth slipping under away from me with the unsatisfied marriage and wonder if I made hasty choice.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Was it different when you were dating or at the beginning of the marriage? Did he always have a low sex drive?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

You can trade him in to one of the hundreds of passionless wives discussed in the sex section of this forum.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Have you considered a temporary separation? Let him know that this is NOT acceptable in a marriage-- and let's face it, a sexless marriage defeats the purpose of marriage to one person your entire, who you should be having sex with-- and if he can't change, you are separating for a short time. I'd consider getting counseling during that time and keep the separation to a couple of months. Maybe during your absence, he will realize that he just can't be a "provider"-- he has to be a HUSBAND.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

seulment said:


> I brought this up to him *once or twice* and he says he will make an effort but does not change. *I asked a few times* and do not want to stress him out, so I gave up.


What's the saying, "People who complain that they are bored are themselves boring people?"

I feel your writing conveys an astounding lack of passion.

Can we assume that at least for an experiment you tried tackling him into bed and screaming, "F* me!" Maybe you have tried, and it's failed so miserably, you didn't bother to mention all the ways things like that have failed. But if not, WHY NOT ???? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (exclamation marks added as suggestion of passionate behavior  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

seulment!!

You are in a tough situation. I can't imagine a man not wanting sex on a regular basis. It practically goes beyond explanation.

As a man, check into the following:

1) Does he masturbate all the time? Porn on computer, excess time in shower or bathroom?

2) Is he overweight and unactive? Overweight guys who don't work out have lower testosterone levels?

3) Have you put on alot of weight? Have you stopped doing your hair, makeup, putting on perfume? Do you dress sexy for him? (dresses, heels, sexy panties, etc?) Sounds shallow but it is what it is.

4) Next, go to doctor together, get blood work done, get his Testosterone level checked. He might need TRT.

5) Suggest Cialis or Viagra.

6) Can he possibly be a closet homosexual?

Something is wrong if a man doesn't want sex. I could have sex every day if it was up to me.

Let us know what happens!

Good Luck.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I would do as the other poster suggested and ask him to see a Dr. There are some really good options out these days to help boost his T levels. Make it clear to him that he does this, or it is over. 

It sounds like that would be a great start but it also sounds like you two need to date more, flirt more, etc. Maybe all that will come with the increase of T.

It also sounds like you two don't have any kids, you are still young and independent so why should you spend your life so unfulfilled? It may feel selfish to draw this line, but it would be selfish of him if he refuses to try to get his T up too.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

soulpotato said:


> I think you do need to stress him out by *saying to him *point blank that you are going to leave unless he takes action on meeting these needs.





SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *Tell him* things need to change DRASTICALLY and permanently in the next 6 months.





chillymorn said:


> Its a deal breaker for you and thats ok. *explain it to him* and try to be as amicable as possible.





seulment said:


> I *brought this up* to him once or twice and he says he will make an effort but does not change.


And that last one was the OP. She "brought it up" with him. THAT'LL get him motivated to change!

The bold is mine on all of them. What do these posts all have in common? Talking. Give "talking" ONE shot. If (when?) it doesn't work, you DO.

What a shock. A boundary is crossed, a promise goes unfulfilled, an effort is NOT made, and there are no consequences. Nothing changes. So...nothing changes. And you all really don't understand why?

But on to the OP's problem:



seulment said:


> I am worried about financial and emotional destruction to him if I simply want to walk out of this.


Take it from a husband that never "listened" to his wife. Take it from a husband that had issues that his wife didn't like. A husband that ignored her when she "brought it up" with him (once or twice). A husband that knew what his wife's issues were (she "explained it to him", after all), but there were never any consequences, so he never changed.

A husband who's wife fell out of love with him 15+ years ago, but he didn't find out about it until 4 years ago when he tried to fix what he thought was a "rut" in his relationship. Funny. All of those things she "told him", she really meant them.

Take it from a husband who is now too old, too bald, and to bitter to find love again. I'm done. I'm not looking for or finding love again. I'll never have a woman want to kiss me again. TO add insult to injury, I realize she hadn't enjoyed my kisses for a decade or more. I'll never get THAT back. 

Take it from me. Give him his life back. I hope he's young enough to start over. 

I don't care about you. To me, you're just another woman who married for safe and got bored. Or married for passion and it's not there any more. Or just got bored. "Poor me. I don't love him any more. I want out". Boo ****ing hoo!

I would have been "financially and emotionally destroyed" if she left me 15 years ago. But I would be happy now. 

Oh, I know you're out the door. You just want confirmation from some folks here. You have mine. Just don't feel bad for him. It will be the greatest thing you can do for him. Take it from someone who lived it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Oh. I can't believe I almost forgot the best part. Guess what happened? My life fell apart. You know what they call that? It's called a consequence for my inaction. But here's the good part. You know what it did? It fixed 75% of my problems IMMEDIATELY! And gave me some pretty good incentive to start working on the remaining 25%. You think I was ever again going to engage in behavior that just caused my "emotional destruction"?, No. She's still gone, but I'm a better, if still very broken person

Just another way you are going to help him, if you even care.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My main point is that you are gone. You aren't coming back. He DOESN'T WANT TO HELP YOU, and you will never get over that resentment.

The point of all of that other rambling, ladies, is that you need to kick us in the nuts EARLY AND HARD. Before the resentment builds to this point. Because by then it's too late.

EDIT: I just now realize I was rambling for hours in the Ladies Lounge. My apologies for the intrusion.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Has he had a full physical? Are his testosterone levels close to normal (~ 700+)? Low T is often responsible for low libido in men.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Marriedand40 said:


> seulment!!
> 
> You are in a tough situation. I can't imagine a man not wanting sex on a regular basis. It practically goes beyond explanation.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

I sometimes wonder when I read these post type and the responses what would happen to anyone one of us if there was an underlying medical issue. Its assumed men are up for it all the time. Its not true guys have times when they really dont feel like sex. Before we all start barging in on the leave him because he doesnt have sex stance. 
The above should be the first port of call. 
We need to ask;
Was he like this pre marridge
Is he on any medication
Does he have a very stressful work life
(yes and ) does he seem to be porn orientated
If hes a good provider and it seems he is. Is he a listener, does he cuddle, a part from sexual contact is he tactile
Did the sexual frequency die off or just suddenly stop

If the sex when it happens is boring does he actually know whats wanted??
Who does all the initiation?
Has medical advice be sought after or councilling for potential problems. i.e. erectile disfunction. Not every guy will run to ask for help when they have that - Men are really not like women - Men dont have these issues (oh yes they do) and it isnt as if you can always talk to the men in the local watering hole about the fact that you cant get an erection Women do talk in these more gyni terms.

Before divorces and seperations are discussed, which could serve only to make sexual frequency more of an issue look at the whole picture and seek out advice. 

If there is nothing wrong, nothing that can be attribuated to him except that hes just not bothered then the discussion about moving on without him can take place.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

After spending a year and a half in marriage counseling, I have one thing totally beat into my head. Action, then emotion. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but if you are unwilling to do the action (set boundries, attack him like a passionate freak) then no emotion will follow. Not for him or for you.

Good luck talking about it.


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