# Trust



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hey folks. So I've posted here a couple times now. I have an issue that's bugging me and need to gain clarity on. Been married 38 years now. I'd say mostly very happily. All things considered, a solid marriage.
Now the title of this is trust. Here's why. My wife and I have both made stupid mistakes in our relationship over the years. We have been working hard and I'd say successfully to revitalize our relationship, yet I have lingering trust issues.about 34 years ago she had what's called an ea (pa?) With a person. I was overseas at the time. Now 24 years ago I naively had one in a chat room at the start of the internet. I revealed mine to her openly. Hers I didn't actually confirm till about a year ago. Here's where it gets sticky in my brain. I have forgiven her trespass as she has mine, only she has now changed the narrative 3 times about the ea. First from a touch from the person. She stuck to that twice. Then about a month ago during deep conversations of healing she changed it and said a touch, them an tempted kiss? Ok so inside I said wtf? So a week later I bring this back up to clarify. She does, sorta. I'm beginning to question now. So a couple weeks ago during another session, the verbage changed from an attempted kiss to kissing and then saying she can't do this, shes married?
The issue is I already forgive what may have happened long ago, but I can't fit this in my mind and let it go. 3 times the story has changed. The last she was very flustered, got upset at me for asking again as she felt I was picking on her and tried to back pedal, then clammed up. I question now how to deeply trust what she says about anything, if she can't just be honest and changing the stories with the excuse it was a long time ago and she can't really remember the details, is not accurate. Trying not to hurt my feelings is not gonna work as they were hurt a long time ago. I just want to fit the puzzle pieces together and move on. Just it makes no sense.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that you are being silly here. Of course she went all the way and had sex. What you are now getting is the "trickle true" version. as time goes on it will be we kiss and touch, then it will be we kiss touch and I gave a blow job, then it will be we kiss and touch, I gave him a blow job them he went down on me, and then, we have wild passionate sex. It almost always is that way. You can fool yourself to believe what you want to believe. Moreover, you were away, he was there with her. What do you think happened?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Hey folks. So I've posted here a couple times now. I have an issue that's bugging me and need to gain clarity on. Been married 38 years now. I'd say mostly very happily. All things considered, a solid marriage.
> Now the title of this is trust. Here's why. My wife and I have both made stupid mistakes in our relationship over the years. We have been working hard and I'd say successfully to revitalize our relationship, yet I have lingering trust issues.about 34 years ago she had what's called an ea (pa?) With a person. I was overseas at the time. Now 24 years ago I naively had one in a chat room at the start of the internet. I revealed mine to her openly. Hers I didn't actually confirm till about a year ago. Here's where it gets sticky in my brain. I have forgiven her trespass as she has mine, only she has now changed the narrative 3 times about the ea. First from a touch from the person. She stuck to that twice. Then about a month ago during deep conversations of healing she changed it and said a touch, them an tempted kiss? Ok so inside I said wtf? So a week later I bring this back up to clarify. She does, sorta. I'm beginning to question now. So a couple weeks ago during another session, the verbage changed from an attempted kiss to kissing and then saying she can't do this, shes married?
> The issue is I already forgive what may have happened long ago, but I can't fit this in my mind and let it go. 3 times the story has changed. The last she was very flustered, got upset at me for asking again as she felt I was picking on her and tried to back pedal, then clammed up. I question now how to deeply trust what she says about anything, if she can't just be honest and changing the stories with the excuse it was a long time ago and she can't really remember the details, is not accurate. Trying not to hurt my feelings is not gonna work as they were hurt a long time ago. I just want to fit the puzzle pieces together and move on. Just it makes no sense.


You brought this on yourself. You gave her a hall pass while you were deployed. The only catch was you didn't want to know about it and don't do it in your bed. That was probably the stupidest choice you ever made in your life. You thought you were being the bigger man and looking out for your wife's sexual needs, but what you really did is temporarily hand your wife off to another man. Now you, and she, are suffering the lasting consequences. You shouldn't even know about this "affair". Was it you that asked or did she tell you for some reason?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You brought this on yourself. You gave her a hall pass while you were deployed. The only catch was you didn't want to know about it and don't do it in your bed. That was probably the stupidest choice you ever made in your life. You thought you were being the bigger man and looking out for your wife's sexual needs, but what you really did is temporarily hand your wife off to another man. Now you, and she, are suffering the lasting consequences. You shouldn't even know about this "affair". Was it you that asked or did she tell you for some reason?


I agree. In retrospect I laid a heavy burden on her by giving her a choice, an option other than manogomy. It came up casually several years ago by her. It's now come up from mc about forgiveness and healing. I'm the one who extended the grace and forgiveness, no issue. Just stick to a story, don't keep changing it. It's hard to believe anything when she changes it. I'm not stupid. I've grown and matured over the years. I completely believe that they did have sex if she says it, then so he it. 34 years ago. Just fitting things in head is all and this doesn't. I am the one who wants full disclosure. I don't want her to have to keep dirty little secrets any longer. It's a cancer that eats at her soul. I want us to heal and love freely without doubts or worrying about slip ups.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

This happened 34 years ago, right? Why in the world are you focusing on it now? Or do you suspect she's having another affair?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Would you have divorced her way back then if you knew the full truth?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Polygraph.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> I agree. In retrospect I laid a heavy burden on her by giving her a choice, an option other than manogomy. It came up casually several years ago by her. It's now come up from mc about forgiveness and healing. I'm the one who extended the grace and forgiveness, no issue. Just stick to a story, don't keep changing it. It's hard to believe anything when she changes it. I'm not stupid. I've grown and matured over the years. I completely believe that they did have sex if she says it, then so he it. 34 years ago. Just fitting things in head is all and this doesn't. I am the one who wants full disclosure. I don't want her to have to keep dirty little secrets any longer. It's a cancer that eats at her soul. I want us to heal and love freely without doubts or worrying about slip ups.


I think you need to drop it. You gave her a hall pass with conditions. You are the one that is breaking those conditions and making her relive everything. 

If she says yes, we had sex, will you just drop it there or will you keep pressing for more details? I doubt it. You will keep digging. If she tells you yes and give all the details you want, will you feel any better? Will she? It isn't likely. To me this is just like asking for details about a relationship from prior to being married. It isn't any of your business. 

This will be harsh, but you don't want to know for her sake. It is for your own selfish reason. You are jealous and want to know all the detail. This isn't about a cancer eating at her soul, it is eating at yours and you want your wife to either help heal that, or maybe you just want her to suffer a little like you. You are making things worse for her, not better, by pushing her to talk about things she doesn't want to talk about. Things that are not her fault, things that you gave her your approval to do.

I think if you really love your wife and want her to heal, then you only bring this up one more time. You tell her that you are willing to listen to her anytime she wants to talk about it and you won't judge her for taking you up on the hall pass. It is up to her if she feels the need to get it off her chest.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

re16 said:


> Polygraph.


Why? He gave her a hall pass, so long as she never told him about it. Now she has to answer questions about it while being polygraphed? 

OP made his marriage nonmonogamous while he was deployed with the condition he never hear about. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I think that you are being silly here. Of course she went all the way and had sex. What you are now getting is the "trickle true" version. as time goes on it will be we kiss and touch, then it will be we kiss touch and I gave a blow job, then it will be we kiss and touch, I gave him a blow job them he went down on me, and then, we have wild passionate sex. It almost always is that way. You can fool yourself to believe what you want to believe. Moreover, you were away, he was there with her. What do you think happened?


I agree, it's the tricked truth for sure. She has an opportunity to purge this finally. Yet she just can't seem to say it. I'm not fooling myself, I'm sure they did what men and women do. Just that it's time to heal. Time to let go of the pain. I will love her as much regardless of the answer. But we can't move forward with only partial truths


SCDad01 said:


> This happened 34 years ago, right? Why in the world are you focusing on it now? Or do you suspect she's having another affair?


No I do not think any more affairs. It's become my focus in part due to our mc. The biggest reason is because she has changed her ammittance to an "affair" 3 times now. Admits what I kinda suspected. Like about 3 years ago she slipped into a conversation. Then a month ago we discussed it in relation to and ea I had 24 years ago. This time something extra happened she didn't say before. Ok. Then late last week we were sharing, albeit a bit heatedly at times, so now the story changes again and begin actual physical connection not attempted? So this just makes no sense in my brain. My love for her won't change no matter what did or didn't happen a long, long time ago. I just want the real truth so it fits and can now be filed away into the bull**** file of life is all. Make sense? Besides the man died last year and had been our friend collectively for the last 33 years.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why? He gave her a hall pass, so long as she never told him about it. Now she has to answer questions about it while being polygraphed?
> 
> OP made his marriage nonmonogamous while he was deployed with the condition he never hear about. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it.


There must be some background you are referencing in other posts... I didn't see the open relationship part...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You guys made an arrangement to be unfaithful to each other. You both participated in it. How would you feel if she started giving you the third degree about your extracurricular activities? 

You made this deal and were fine with it at the time. Now you regret it and want to punish her for doing the same thing that you did. There was a similar situation to this a while back, a man talked his wife into swapping and then accused her of infidelity because she went through with HIS request. Isn't that unfair?

Clearly the deal was a mistake. It was a terrible idea. Unfortunately you have two choices: leave it in the past or end the marriage. There's no undo button for this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

re16 said:


> There must be some background you are referencing in other posts... I didn't see the open relationship part...


Yes, and very relevant. 









Still married and wanting my wife


First off I'm new here. In fact I've never done this before anywhere! I'm 61 and my wife is 59. Been married now for 38 years, we were 23 and 21 when we married. I served in the Navy 20 and a half years and retired in 2003, of which we were together 16 and a half years. We have a 20 year old...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com







TinyTbone said:


> First off I'm new here. In fact I've never done this before anywhere! I'm 61 and my wife is 59. Been married now for 38 years, we were 23 and 21 when we married. I served in the Navy 20 and a half years and retired in 2003, of which we were together 16 and a half years. We have a 20 year old daughter, still living at home. Truly the joy of heart..she's beautiful!!
> Now as to the title of my post, through all these these years I've always had the higher sex drive, hers has always been very low. As of now we are in marriage counseling to help us deal with years of baggage being a military spouse, she was left alone a lot to keep our and her lives together. I have always felt a bit of guilt at having to [abandon] her for up to a year at a time for deployments during the prime of her womanhood. I may have been youngish but was realistic to see this and gave her what's called a hall pass when I was gone, should this issue occur. I only asked 2 things...don't tell me about it and don't dirty my bed with it. I was however and still are faithful to her and our vows...I deeply love her!
> The biggest problem is her lack of sexual desire and lack of any emotional energy and imagination. She is full of hangups ( has always been) while I have always been fair game for anything between a man and his woman! I have been pushing, gently for her to talk to drs about hormone therapy as she's been pre menapausal for 10 frigging years! A full blown period at 59?? Poor woman.
> Another key issue for us is that since I was in the military during the most formative years of marriage, we never really learned the art of communication. Therapy has opened my eyes to this and I am working honestly and earnestly to be a great communicator and partner to her.
> ...


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you need to drop it. You gave her a hall pass with conditions. You are the one that is breaking those conditions and making her relive everything.
> 
> If she says yes, we had sex, will you just drop it there or will you keep pressing for more details? I doubt it. You will keep digging. If she tells you yes and give all the details you want, will you feel any better? Will she? It isn't likely. To me this is just like asking for details about a relationship from prior to being married. It isn't any of your business.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honesty on this. Maybe you are right. That's exactly why I'm talking here and not to her. I see that this could be selfish. Asking her to disclose for real if they did go beyond a touch or kiss is going to make her relive something she buried a long time ago. She has lived me genuinely all these years. She bore us a beautiful daughter. She has always shared our bed with me each night. I will take this heart!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You guys made an arrangement to be unfaithful to each other. You both participated in it. How would you feel if she started giving you the third degree about your extracurricular activities?
> 
> You made this deal and were fine with it at the time. Now you regret it and want to punish her for doing the same thing that you did. There was a similar situation to this a while back, a man talked his wife into swapping and then accused her of infidelity because she went through with HIS request. Isn't that unfair?
> 
> Clearly the deal was a mistake. It was a terrible idea. Unfortunately you have two choices: leave it in the past or end the marriage. There's no undo button for this.


Actually you are wrong there. We didn't agree to both parties. Only what I said and she never acknowledged what I said to her, just let it go away. She did keep to the agreement until marriage counseling, due to me asking.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You guys made an arrangement to be unfaithful to each other. You both participated in it. How would you feel if she started giving you the third degree about your extracurricular activities?
> 
> You made this deal and were fine with it at the time. Now you regret it and want to punish her for doing the same thing that you did. There was a similar situation to this a while back, a man talked his wife into swapping and then accused her of infidelity because she went through with HIS request. Isn't that unfair?
> 
> Clearly the deal was a mistake. It was a terrible idea. Unfortunately you have two choices: leave it in the past or end the marriage. There's no undo button for this.


Actually he is the one to violate trust. He on his own decided to give her a hall pass while he was deployed with the condition that she doesn't tell him. He violated that trust by asking for details about whether she took it or not. She did NOT give him a hall pass. His infidelity was an EA after he was no longer deployed.

I really want to feel sympathy for the OP, but it is difficult. Everything going on is his own doing and I don't think his wife should have to suffer for his choices.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> I appreciate your honesty on this. Maybe you are right. That's exactly why I'm talking here and not to her. I see that this could be selfish. Asking her to disclose for real if they did go beyond a touch or kiss is going to make her relive something she buried a long time ago. She has lived me genuinely all these years. She bore us a beautiful daughter. She has always shared our bed with me each night. I will take this heart!


Now you are getting it IMO.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You guys made an arrangement to be unfaithful to each other. You both participated in it. How would you feel if she started giving you the third degree about your extracurricular activities?
> 
> You made this deal and were fine with it at the time. Now you regret it and want to punish her for doing the same thing that you did. There was a similar situation to this a while back, a man talked his wife into swapping and then accused her of infidelity because she went through with HIS request. Isn't that unfair?
> 
> Clearly the deal was a mistake. It was a terrible idea. Unfortunately you have two choices: leave it in the past or end the marriage. There's no undo button for this.


By the way Texas mom, I have paid a heavy price for my mistake on the chat room. It has been rubbed in my face off and on for 24 years, even though she says she forgave me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TinyTbone 

Here's the thing: for 34 years she has had all the pieces to the puzzle and she can see what image the puzzle makes. You do not have all the pieces so you can't see what image the puzzle makes and you want to see it. Just when you _THINK_ you have all the pieces and think "Okay...there's the image. I'm seeing it all now" she throws in another piece of the puzzle! And you have issues with trust now--34 years after it all happened--because the revelations have been now and not 34 years ago. For you, learning new, additional data (adding a new puzzle piece) is happening now, and so the trust is shaky now. 

YOU are saying "It is in the past and I get that, but let's come ENTIRELY clean so that neither one of us is hiding anything, and then we can fully heal"...cuz you can't heal what you don't know, right? And she is saying "I don't want to tell you all of it because I'm afraid our marriage will end." I get it. You'd forgive IF YOU KNEW EVERYTHING because it was indeed so long ago...and yet NOT knowing is what's shaking your trust! *NOT KNOWING*.

There's little you can do to look up forensic "evidence" 34 years later. If she's not willing to be fully transparent, I doubt you'll be able to prove or disprove what did or did not happen based on "evidence." But if it were just a kiss or an attempted kiss, she wouldn't fight this hard to bury it. Thus, it's reasonable to assume (as I think you have) that it was a full-blown physical, sexual affair. So the question becomes this: are you willing to forgive and LET GO a full-blown, sexual affair 34 years ago and stay with a person who will not be fully transparent about it in the present? 

In the past 34 years (well 24 years, if we also consider your infidelity), have the two of you been monogamous? Has she been a good wife? Do you enjoy her company and get along well? Do you have similar values and morals? Do you have interests together and have simliar life-goals? Have you two been relatively happy these last 24 years? You may have reasonable reason to just accept that she will never tell you the full truth but that you know it was a sexual affair in your heart. If that's the case, then forgiveness means that due to an action she took, she OWES you...and you choose to put down that debt and never pick it up again. That's what forgiveness is. It's not "forgetting" or "closure". It means that you make a choice to take the weapon that you rightfully _could_ use and put it down and never pick it up. 

I'm guessing that she wishes you'd rugsweep because she doesn't want to face what she did. After 38 years of marriage, 34 years since her affair, and 24 years since yours...it would be reasonable for you to choose to stay--I could see that. But it is up to you, now, to decide what you want to do. For some--possibly myself included--transparency is a must...a dealbreaker. I don't need to know EVERY little thought, but allowing the other "in" so they can see the real you, warts and all...that is a must for me. I agree with you--I'd absolutely forgive a mistake from 3 decades ago if I were approached with transparency and humility. Yep--people make mistakes. I get that. But to continue to hide it after 3 decades would not sit well with me either. Still you can choose. Here you are. It's reasonable to not trust now, because this cover up is happening now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Actually you are wrong there. We didn't agree to both parties. Only what I said and she never acknowledged what I said to her, just let it go away. She did keep to the agreement until marriage counseling, due to me asking.


I'm sorry if I misunderstood. What do you mean, didn't agree to both parties? Has she broken the arrangement in any way, outside of it coming up in counseling? 

As I said, it was a mistake to make that arrangement, but if she didn't violate it then she's not to blame. Hindsight is always 20/20, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. If you can't get over it, that's unfortunate and doesn't leave you a lot of choices. 🙁 Some mistakes you can recover from, some you cannot. If you can't put this behind you, the marriage is over. She doesn't deserve to be punished if she followed rules you set.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I really want to feel sympathy for the OP, but it is difficult. Everything going on is his own doing and I don't think his wife should have to suffer for his choices.


This is just like the swapping guy. Be careful what you ask for. 😟


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Would you have divorced her way back then if you knew the full truth?


No I wouldn't have as she went by something I said. Fault would have and is mine solely.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm sorry if I misunderstood. What do you mean, didn't agree to both parties? Has she broken the arrangement in any way, outside of it coming up in counseling?
> 
> As I said, it was a mistake to make that arrangement, but if she didn't violate it then she's not to blame. Hindsight is always 20/20, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. If you can't get over it, that's unfortunate and doesn't leave you a lot of choices. 🙁 Some mistakes you can recover from, some you cannot. If you can't put this behind you, the marriage is over. She doesn't deserve to be punished if she followed rules you set.


Thanks, have been and am and will continue to live and let live. I'm ADHD and things tend to spin cycle in my head! Why I'm here and not talking her. She's a wonderfully woman, friend and my lover. I've caused enough pain just due to the ADHD. She is really starting to come back out of her shell, trusting in I won't have the explosive emotional outbursts now. Has taken 4 years of intensive therapy to deal with this issue. She said the other day that she's now looking forward to my final retirement and doing things together!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @TinyTbone
> 
> Here's the thing: for 34 years she has had all the pieces to the puzzle and she can see what image the puzzle makes. You do not have all the pieces so you can't see what image the puzzle makes and you want to see it. Just when you _THINK_ you have all the pieces and think "Okay...there's the image. I'm seeing it all now" she throws in another piece of the puzzle! And you have issues with trust now--34 years after it all happened--because the revelations have been now and not 34 years ago. For you, learning new, additional data (adding a new puzzle piece) is happening now, and so the trust is shaky now.
> 
> ...


You ALWAYS give amazing advice, and this is no exception. However, she did not have an affair. He explicitly gave her permission to be non-monogamous and now he is asking for details he specifically said he never wanted to know.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Thanks, have been and am and will continue to live and let live. I'm ADHD and things tend to spin cycle in my head! Why I'm here and not talking her. She's a wonderfully woman, friend and my lover. I've caused enough pain just due to the ADHD. She is really starting to come back out of her shell, trusting in I won't have the explosive emotional outbursts now. Has taken 4 years of intensive therapy to deal with this issue. She said the other day that she's now looking forward to my final retirement and doing things together!


Please be smart and don't let this ruin what sounds like a pretty good marriage. I know it is hard to forget the past, believe me I know, but you have to try. Actually you'll never forget it, but you have to learn to live with it. I suggest every time your mind wanders to thoughts about what happened back then you immediately refocus your thoughts to something good, something your wife recently did that shows how much she loves you. The fact that she is looking forward to retirement years with your friend, lover and wife is all you really need to think about.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Hey folks. So I've posted here a couple times now. I have an issue that's bugging me and need to gain clarity on. Been married 38 years now. I'd say mostly very happily. All things considered, a solid marriage.
> Now the title of this is trust. Here's why. My wife and I have both made stupid mistakes in our relationship over the years. We have been working hard and I'd say successfully to revitalize our relationship, yet I have lingering trust issues.about 34 years ago she had what's called an ea (pa?) With a person. I was overseas at the time. Now 24 years ago I naively had one in a chat room at the start of the internet. I revealed mine to her openly. Hers I didn't actually confirm till about a year ago. Here's where it gets sticky in my brain. I have forgiven her trespass as she has mine, only she has now changed the narrative 3 times about the ea. First from a touch from the person. She stuck to that twice. Then about a month ago during deep conversations of healing she changed it and said a touch, them an tempted kiss? Ok so inside I said wtf? So a week later I bring this back up to clarify. She does, sorta. I'm beginning to question now. So a couple weeks ago during another session, the verbage changed from an attempted kiss to kissing and then saying she can't do this, shes married?
> The issue is I already forgive what may have happened long ago, but I can't fit this in my mind and let it go. 3 times the story has changed. The last she was very flustered, got upset at me for asking again as she felt I was picking on her and tried to back pedal, then clammed up. I question now how to deeply trust what she says about anything, if she can't just be honest and changing the stories with the excuse it was a long time ago and she can't really remember the details, is not accurate. Trying not to hurt my feelings is not gonna work as they were hurt a long time ago. I just want to fit the puzzle pieces together and move on. Just it makes no sense.


I think some extent we all have a spectrum of trust issues in our marriages or partnerships, and whether we like it or not the truth isn’t always 100% brought out there’s some little white lies start kept maybe for Whatever reason or sometimes people just keep it from each other to avoid further deepening the issues that are being brought into light
I don’t know that there’s anything we can do about it it’s just the way it is I think no matter what unless you really have a person that can be 100% transparent I think it’s human nature and sadly that’s more than 90% of the population this will happen to it’s not something unusual it’s just a matter of do we let it go and move past it or do we dwell on these little lies that we don’t see until after
I questioned myself that all the time every time I find something out that wasn’t brought into light in the first place I guess it always boils down to do you want to continue the relationship despite of it or do you not that’s just the choice we are left to make


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the problem with forgiveness is that the scope of the forgiveness is within the confines of what you are forgiving....meaning that when you forgave her 24 years ago you forgave her for an ea, she doe not tell you the whole truth she just told you want she wanted to share and you forgave her for that....but now she has changed the context of the transgression so in fact that forgiveness no longer applies because it was within the range of that sin, if the sex was greater then what the forgiveness was asked for then she needs to understand that everything goes back to zero and that the crime warrants a heavier discussion and retribution


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You ALWAYS give amazing advice, and this is no exception. However, she did not have an affair. He explicitly gave her permission to be non-monogamous and now he is asking for details he specifically said he never wanted to know.


In my instance, I didn't mean "infidelity" as in unfaithfulness because the hall pass was given. Rather, I meant a fully sexual ... what? Relationship? It wasn't "just a kiss" or "an attempt at a kiss"--it was sexual. And since it was not within the marriage I added affair. But I do get it--he said it was okay, and she took him up on the agreement. 

This is why I say I think it would be entirely reasonable for him to choose to stay and forgive. They've been together many years and are overall happy. I think it's reasonable to feel a lack of trust right now (as I explained) and I think it's just as reasonable to make a decision and stick with that decision. My Dear Hubby (before he passed) and I made that decision, and we had probably a decade of much healthier, happier marriage together. But the point is that if that is the choice made, it is HIS choice and that weapon is put down and never picked up again BY HIS OWN CHOICE. 

Final thought, @TinyTbone -- I also have ADHD and for me I've found when those thoughts get spinning, that it's useful to remind myself that my thoughts are mine to control. That spinning isn't "out of my control" it only FEELS that way. So when they spin, I recognize that the spin is temporary....that it will stop spinning at some point, I do things I know that help me to settle (such as writing or praying or just sitting outside), and I break up the habit that is making the spin keep spinning. For example, if I'm in my office and the spin is spinning, I take a break, stand up, walk to the kitchen, get a glass of water, load the dishwasher... and the office spin is slowed down.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> the problem with forgiveness is that the scope of the forgiveness is within the confines of what you are forgiving....meaning that when you forgave her 24 years ago you forgave her for an ea, she doe not tell you the whole truth she just told you want she wanted to share and you forgave her for that....but now she has changed the context of the transgression so in fact that forgiveness no longer applies because it was within the range of that sin, if the sex was greater then what the forgiveness was asked for then she needs to understand that everything goes back to zero and that the crime warrants a heavier discussion and retribution


She committed no crime, she had his blessing to have sex outside the marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She committed no crime, she had his blessing to have sex outside the marriage.


sorry i miss spoke. the piont being is that the forgiveness was based on what she shared at the time, if she failed to share the complete truth then the forgiveness is based on a lie


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> sorry i miss spoke. the piont being is that the forgiveness was based on what she shared at the time, if she failed to share the complete truth then the forgiveness is based on a lie


Sorry if I keep beating this drum. There is nothing to forgive. She did nothing wrong. He gave her a hall pass to have sex outside the marriage, with the condition she never tell him, he didn't want to know about it. He only knows about it because years later he got her to talk about it in counseling. 

I also suspect part of why he wanted to know is an attempt to offset his guilt for actually engaging in an online EA.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sorry if I keep beating this drum. There is nothing to forgive. She did nothing wrong. He gave her a hall pass to have sex outside the marriage, with the condition she never tell him, he didn't want to know about it. He only knows about it because years later he got her to talk about it in counseling.
> 
> I also suspect part of why he wanted to know is an attempt to offset his guilt for actually engaging in an online EA.



there is a big huge difference between a EA and PA ....heis guilt never involved the exchanged of fluids


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> there is a big huge difference between a EA and PA ....heis guilt never involved the exchanged of fluids


Is it an affair when one spouse says it is okay to do it? I wouldn't think so. She should have zero guilt.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

If we were keeping score, to me the score is 3-0 

He gave her a hall pass with conditions - strike 1
He broke the agreement by going against his own conditions - strike 2
He had an EA - strike 3

What has she done wrong?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

TinyTbone said:


> No I do not think any more affairs. It's become my focus in part due to our mc. The biggest reason is because she has changed her ammittance to an "affair" 3 times now. Admits what I kinda suspected. Like about 3 years ago she slipped into a conversation. Then a month ago we discussed it in relation to and ea I had 24 years ago. This time something extra happened she didn't say before. Ok. Then late last week we were sharing, albeit a bit heatedly at times, so now the story changes again and begin actual physical connection not attempted? So this just makes no sense in my brain. My love for her won't change no matter what did or didn't happen a long, long time ago. I just want the real truth so it fits and can now be filed away into the bull**** file of life is all. Make sense? Besides the man died last year and had been our friend collectively for the last 33 years.


I understand and can share your frustration. I get that she's changing her story now, but the incident happened 34 years ago. Time to let it go. You're picking at a very, very old wound and nothing good will come from it. Unless you're looking for a reason to leave the marriage for other reasons.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I can see why you’d want to know but you aren’t being fair. She made whatever decisions and actions she made based on your word. You said as long as you never know. So that’s how she proceeded.

Now you decide you do want to know, you’ve changed your mind but she can’t change her actions.

I don’t condone her changing story nor any lying. But what are her choices? You seem like you just keep picking at this scab. Has she said to you she’d prefer not to talk about it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> In my instance, I didn't mean "infidelity" as in unfaithfulness because the hall pass was given. Rather, I meant a fully sexual ... what? Relationship? It wasn't "just a kiss" or "an attempt at a kiss"--it was sexual. And since it was not within the marriage I added affair. But I do get it--he said it was okay, and she took him up on the agreement.
> 
> This is why I say I think it would be entirely reasonable for him to choose to stay and forgive. They've been together many years and are overall happy. I think it's reasonable to feel a lack of trust right now (as I explained) and I think it's just as reasonable to make a decision and stick with that decision. My Dear Hubby (before he passed) and I made that decision, and we had probably a decade of much healthier, happier marriage together. But the point is that if that is the choice made, it is HIS choice and that weapon is put down and never picked up again BY HIS OWN CHOICE.
> 
> Final thought, @TinyTbone -- I also have ADHD and for me I've found when those thoughts get spinning, that it's useful to remind myself that my thoughts are mine to control. That spinning isn't "out of my control" it only FEELS that way. So when they spin, I recognize that the spin is temporary....that it will stop spinning at some point, I do things I know that help me to settle (such as writing or praying or just sitting outside), and I break up the habit that is making the spin keep spinning. For example, if I'm in my office and the spin is spinning, I take a break, stand up, walk to the kitchen, get a glass of water, load the dishwasher... and the office spin is slowed down.


So you have no problem with him changing his word and having retroactive jealousy. He specifically told her she could have sex with others as long as she never told him. Why is it ok for him to now demand details?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If we were keeping score, to me the score is 3-0
> 
> He gave her a hall pass with conditions - strike 1
> He broke the agreement by going against his own conditions - strike 2
> ...


She tried to navigate the land mines he keeps laying but isn’t doing it to TAM standards is my guess.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> there is a big huge difference between a EA and PA ....heis guilt never involved the exchanged of fluids


She has no guilt IF bodily fluids were exchanged it was with his blessing and word that he never wanted to know.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@TinyTbone I still think you're going to come to a point where you are going to have to accept things for the way they are and move forward, or divorce.

Based on previous threads I'm still not sure she's done using that hall pass.

But assuming it was contained like you think, then:
If she doesn't want to fix things then you have no choice.
If she does... then you need to lay in the bed you built and get over it, or punt and start over. Pick one. Laying in the mess you made is the right thing to do for her...she did nothing 'wrong'.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you have no problem with him changing his word and having retroactive jealousy. He specifically told her she could have sex with others as long as she never told him. Why is it ok for him to now demand details?


Because 34 years ago, both of them were relatively young ("kids" as us old folks like to say), and kids do dumb things. It is reasonable to hope for transparency from your life partner, and since they are in marriage counseling specifically to address some of these kinds of issues, that means they are growing and maturing into a more healthy marriage relationship. Healthy marriages do not keep secrets. And remember there is a difference between SECRECY and PRIVACY. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom or change clothes--you are not hiding "who you are" or what you truly think or feel or did. Secrecy is hiding some portion of "who you really are" or what you truly think or feel or did. 

Again, since he did make the deal 30-something years ago, and since they have grown since then, I think it's reasonable for him to hope she'd feel safe enough to come clean and be transparent so they can fully heal. I also don't think she's there yet. So he gets to choose. Frankly, it's not my or your relationship--it's his and hers and they are living it every day for the last nearly 40 years! I think it's worth saving, and I'm not convinced the way to do it is to rugsweep. Open up the doors and windows, let the light in, let the fresh air in, and clean house.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she volunteers to tell you, that’s her choice. But asking her more than once is pressuring her and that’s another story. Find a way to let it go without involving her. You created the problem so it’s on you to fix — not on her to make you feel better for a situation you created.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @TinyTbone I still think you're going to come to a point where you are going to have to accept things for the way they are and move forward, or divorce.
> 
> Based on previous threads I'm still not sure she's done using that hall pass.
> 
> ...


Appreciate the though. As to.hall pass, technically that ended after my last ship before retirement. I've no doubt it was a 1 time thing, possibly strung along across a few visits. It goes away here. I won't bring it up again. If she volunteers I'll listen. She's been a wonderfully.wife overall and great mother. We are fixing our issues, which are more about just growing distant a bit due to life's stuff. Had to recover from a total loss of our house to a fire in 2017.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Appreciate the though. As to.hall pass, technically that ended after my last ship before retirement. I've no doubt it was a 1 time thing, possibly strung along across a few visits. It goes away here. I won't bring it up again. If she volunteers I'll listen. She's been a wonderfully.wife overall and great mother. We are fixing our issues, which are more about just growing distant a bit due to life's stuff. Had to recover from a total loss of our house to a fire in 2017.


I can really, really sympathize. 

A few years ago I was worried about what we would do after the kids were all gone. That, among other things, is what lead me to TAM. Our marriage was not bad in any way, but it was about to change with kids becoming adults. I was genuinely afraid of what would happen when it was just me and her again. It hasn't been a problem in part because we have a strong marriage and also because I made an effort to make it even better and my wife reciprocated. Actually I feel we are at one of the strongest and healthiest points in our marriage to date. 

We just lost everything in a fire in June of this year. 20 years of history and family gone in just a few minutes. We have just barely scratched the surface on the process of rebuilding in getting back into a place that is our home. I know we will be okay though, we've already been through a lot together. 

You seem to really love your wife and it sounds like she deserves that love. Be the best man you can, it will benefit you and her. You have a retirement together come up very soon. Make sure you can enjoy it together.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Polygraph.


 That would be a resounding no on the polygraph. The only reason I have asked is because a couple years ago she happened to mention in passing conversation the situation. But whatever happened, I did say I could understand, just don't wanna know. So now I sorta know and it's not gonna change anything for the better for her to recount anything that may have happened. I smartly, after some sound advice here just dig a hole,.throw it in and bury it.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I can really, really sympathize.
> 
> A few years ago I was worried about what we would do after the kids were all gone. That, among other things, is what lead me to TAM. Our marriage was not bad in any way, but it was about to change with kids becoming adults. I was genuinely afraid of what would happen when it was just me and her again. It hasn't been a problem in part because we have a strong marriage and also because I made an effort to make it even better and my wife reciprocated. Actually I feel we are at one of the strongest and healthiest points in our marriage to date.
> 
> ...


Thank you big daddy, heart felt and advice taken.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

So TT whatever happen with the facebook guy that (now) she was chatting up and wouldn't stop when you confronted about him.

I didn't follow the rest of that thread, did that situation get resolved?

<_this was behind my earlier comment about still using the hall pass_>

I mention it because if you're going to reconcile and rebuild then there can't be any third parties in the wings. That will never work.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> the problem with forgiveness is that the scope of the forgiveness is within the confines of what you are forgiving....meaning that when you forgave her 24 years ago you forgave her for an ea, she doe not tell you the whole truth she just told you want she wanted to share and you forgave her for that....but now she has changed the context of the transgression so in fact that forgiveness no longer applies because it was within the range of that sin, if the sex was greater then what the forgiveness was asked for then she needs to understand that everything goes back to zero and that the crime warrants a heavier discussion and retribution
> [/k]
> That's 3 true. But after the discussion and debates on this in here, I will just live and live..stick away as another life experience. Neither of us need relive it. What's done is done. I will move forward more stronger because of her honesty so far. She IS.my wife, mother on my child, lover and friend. She continues to choose me everyday and that's special.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So TT whatever happen with the facebook guy that (now) she was chatting up and wouldn't stop when you confronted about him.
> 
> I didn't follow the rest of that thread, did that situation get resolved?
> 
> ...


Ok, so the dill weed from Facebook was deleted as soon as asked. She now understands and respects my discomfort by texting with this douchebag. .all good on this..she also gave me access to both her phones and any social media apps she has.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> Because 34 years ago, both of them were relatively young ("kids" as us old folks like to say), and kids do dumb things. It is reasonable to hope for transparency from your life partner, and since they are in marriage counseling specifically to address some of these kinds of issues, that means they are growing and maturing into a more healthy marriage relationship. Healthy marriages do not keep secrets. And remember there is a difference between SECRECY and PRIVACY. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom or change clothes--you are not hiding "who you are" or what you truly think or feel or did. Secrecy is hiding some portion of "who you really are" or what you truly think or feel or did.
> 
> Again, since he did make the deal 30-something years ago, and since they have grown since then, I think it's reasonable for him to hope she'd feel safe enough to come clean and be transparent so they can fully heal. I also don't think she's there yet. So he gets to choose. Frankly, it's not my or your relationship--it's his and hers and they are living it every day for the last nearly 40 years! I think it's worth saving, and I'm not convinced the way to do it is to rugsweep. Open up the doors and windows, let the light in, let the fresh air in, and clean house.


You are on the money! This goes along with our mc. Only reason I chose to pursue it. When she's ready she'll talk,.till then i.want to enjoy all the quality time we have left on the big blue marble!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, so the dill weed from Facebook was deleted as soon as asked. She now understands and respects my discomfort by texting with this douchebag. .all good on this..she also gave me access to both her phones and any social media apps she has.


Perfect. Secrets in social media are death to relationships.
Privacy is fine, secrets are not.

You need to give her access to your stuff too...remember she needs to maintain confidence about that EA you had.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She committed no crime, she had his blessing to have sex outside the marriage.


then why not admitt ? unless it continued didnt he saw the guy was there friend unil he recently passed ??


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

What I dont understand and i agree with everything that @Affaircare has said is , if she loves him so much,and can see that its hurting him why not just tell the truth ?? isnt marriage about being aware of the one person you love feelings.. And when you lie or dont tell the truth it becomes or give birth to a marriage that is a lie.( we just justify the lie we tell ourselves). 
Yes he said he didnt want to know so what ? BUT NOW(Yes people change) because of ONLY the answers SHE has given 3 different stories ??? WTF !!! makes him feel like he cant trust the love of his life.AND that would affect anyone of us who believes the spouse they are with loves and cherishes truth within the marriage. If she had been open to him by that i mean honest this would not be an issue now. but she chose to lie and unfortunatley has been caught in a lie 3x and it hurts him.. if you knew you where hurting the love of your life wouldnt you do anything to help them?? especially when they are expressing and being honest with how they feel.. 
Why plant doubt in the one person you love?? even if you didnt intent to why not reassure by being honest?? especially when its now clear you havent been...
they are in the final chapters of their life and OP loves her but she refuses to give him one thing truth and it doesnt matteer what he said when he was 20 something its affecting him now??

BUt just like cheating if you choose to lie to keep it from your spouse even though the marriage appears perfect it is not why ? because you are not being vulnerable and transparent with the one person you love and so everything is a lie a shade of the truth because of one reason dishonesty... 

lets all imagine for a moment the one we love when we caught them in a lie how do we feel? now lets take it further and it involves cheating or being with someone esle besides you imagine how fractured and shattered the trust feels.. AND OP has not choosen to keep it in( his true feelings) so why is she refusing ... 

Again if my wife gave me a free pass to cheat when i was 20 i wouldnt but if i did and she wanted to know i would tell her the truth..so it doesnt rob us !!! and i believe that is why OP is struggling he just doesnt understand why she cant be honest with him?? 

when people are not honest there is always a reason or something more ? ANd that hurts when its from the one person you cherish and love


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Perfect. Secrets in social media are death to relationships.
> Privacy is fine, secrets are not.
> 
> You need to give her access to your stuff too...remember she needs to maintain confidence about that EA you had.


Oh she has always had them since then! I've always kept her in the loop. The f******g stupidity thing I've ever done! I don't lock my phones as I've nothing to hide. I'm always showing her what I text to our friends.. she is in deep on me! Lol


truststone said:


> then why not admitt ? unless it continued didnt he saw the guy was there friend unil he recently passed ??


He passed on January 4th, drank him self to death. Left behind a son and fiancee. We hadn't seen him in over 8 years, occasional phone calls and social media visits every couple months or so.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

truststone said:


> then why not admitt ? unless it continued didnt he saw the guy was there friend unil he recently passed ??


He gave her approval and asked her to not ever tell him. He doesn't get to unilaterally change the rules. She may feel that telling him the details will do him, and her, more harm than good so she is sticking to the original agreement. That is her prerogative. To me this is similar to asking about a lover prior to the marriage. The spouse can tell if they want, but that is there business. 

IMO all this is kn his shoulders for coming up with this whole thing to begin with.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He gave her approval and asked her to not ever tell him. He doesn't get to unilaterally change the rules. She may feel that telling him the details will do him, and her, more harm than good so she is sticking to the original agreement. That is her prerogative. To me this is similar to asking about a lover prior to the marriage. The spouse can tell if they want, but that is there business.
> 
> IMO all this is kn his shoulders for coming up with this whole thing to begin with.


Hey big daddy, you've been spot on through most of the thread. Is what it is. Can't change what I said in the past. I will caution our therapist not to discuss this period. We had an agreement that I did live with completely well though. Right up to several years ago, when for some reason in one our myriad conversations...she mentioned about the guy touching her. That's kinda when the rule changed. I digress, if it's ever something she feels she needs to talk about i will listen. It was a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away now. We are healing, holding and loving better than the last 10 or so years. We now communicate with no anger or pain. She is reaching back to me again and there is hope for the happy ending.
Thank you taking the time out of your life, to all, to read the thread and share your feeling with me and her as well. She may never know if voices in the night that helped us.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not agree with letting it go - you need to know the truth and she needs to give it to you without kicking up a fuss. Else you need to say what is really on your mind (especially if you are repairing your marriage) which is you think she is lying and you do not believe her and until you do, this relationship is not going anywhere not matter how loving she has been towards you. I also suspect from your posts that she is the kind of person that might just renew that hall pass when it suits her.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> I do not agree with letting it go - you need to know the truth and she needs to give it to you without kicking up a fuss. Else you need to say what is really on your mind (especially if you are repairing your marriage) which is you think she is lying and you do not believe her and until you do, this relationship is not going anywhere not matter how loving she has been towards you. I also suspect from your posts that she is the kind of person that might just renew that hall pass when it suits her.


Ok, if this were something that was recent then yes a fuss. But there was an agreement of silence if anything did happen long ago. Now she did kinda drop it a couple years ago something did happen 34 years ago. No need for us to revisit the pain unless she wants to talk of it. I still have her after 38 years and we do deeply love each other. What matters is what we do with our lives now and what we've done since. Silence can still be golden. I don't replay a movie in my head...well unless it's a memory of her and I!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, if this were something that was recent then yes a fuss. But there was an agreement of silence if anything did happen long ago. Now she did kinda drop it a couple years ago something did happen 34 years ago. No need for us to revisit the pain unless she wants to talk of it. I still have her after 38 years and we do deeply love each other. What matters is what we do with our lives now and what we've done since. Silence can still be golden. I don't replay a movie in my head...well unless it's a memory of her and I!


An agreement of silence does not deal with the pain you are undergoing else you would not be here, would you.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> An agreement of silence does not deal with the pain you are undergoing else you would not be here, would you.


And one can live with regrets of speaking


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

There’s a saying that goes, “ignorance is bliss”. Look into that one.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> There’s a saying that goes, “ignorance is bliss”. Look into that one.


It was till it came up in conversation a couple years ago. It's not what did or did happen. It's the the changing narrative over time, then insisting she didn't say this, or I didn't hear correctly. I know what I heard, I know what was said. I can easily bury it, if it fit. Multiple pieces that fit are distracting.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> It was till it came up in conversation a couple years ago. It's not what did or did happen. It's the the changing narrative over time, then insisting she didn't say this, or I didn't hear correctly. I know what I heard, I know what was said. I can easily bury it, if it fit. Multiple pieces that fit are distracting.


So in reality she is the one that actually brought it up first in a very off hand way. That could be a little crack to wiggle through to make her talk about it. I'm still not sure any good will come from it. Would you really feel better if you knew everything?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So in reality she is the one that actually brought it up first in a very off hand way. That could be a little crack to wiggle through to make her talk about it. I'm still not sure any good will come from it. Would you really feel better if you knew everything?


Big daddy as you and a few others sagely advised, I do not intend to talk about again unless she initiates. It's a bed I will sleep in, I changed the sheets and am comfortable in it. As long as she remains the queen in my world, I will look forward to each sun rise with her.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

TinyTbone said:


> Big daddy as you and a few others sagely advised, I do not intend to talk about again unless she initiates. It's a bed I will sleep in, I changed the sheets and am comfortable in it. As long as she remains the queen in my world, I will look forward to each sun rise with her.


Just assume the absolute worst. She had a physical affair with the guy. It wasn't a mistake. She enjoyed it. In fact, she did things with him that she will not do with you. The sex was great, but the relationship was not everything she wanted it to be. So, she returned to you. Are you okay with all of that? It's probably all true. Maybe even she got pregnant and had an abortion. Who knows?

The issue you're struggling with is that you have been living with a 34-year-old lie. Until the lie is corrected, it is current as of today. It is not 34 years old. It _started_ 34 years ago.

However, if you gave her permission to screw the other guy, you have no complaints. What could she say that would make things better? What could she say that would make things worse? 

You're struggling with a lot of the same feelings that people with retroactive jealousy struggle with even 34 or 44 years later. If that's the case, you have nothing to benefit by talking with her about it again. If she's bringing it up, I would make an exception about not talking about it when you're in the presence of the marriage counselor. My comment would be, "We made a decision while I was gone to allow each other to have sex with others so long as we didn't discuss those encounters. It seems clear to me that she had one 34 years ago. She is not and was not under any obligation to tell me about it. However, during our sessions, she has now mentioned it three times. If there is something she needs to say to me to clear her conscience or for any other purpose, I would like for that to happen now. I can't continue being teased or water tortured with reminders of that time, but if there is a current issue, feeling, problem, or conscience we need to address, I want to do it RIGHT NOW so that we can put this behind us."

If that doesn't shake it loose, discussion of the matter should be prohibited from now on. You should never bring it up to her again. Assume what I first posted happened. You allowed it. Get over it. If her conscience is bubbling over, do you both a favor and get it out in the open, so long as you're prepared to deal with it.


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

im a little confused at the end of the day is it
1) Okay to lie in a marriage?

if NO - then the question is why is she lying?
if Yes - then its no big deal

Like i said before its the fact that shes lying !! thats the issue !!! And why when you have a husband that has said it was okay would you continue to lie ??

*@Sfort you posted However, if you gave her permission to screw the other guy, you have no complaints. What could she say that would make things better? What could she say that would make things worse?*

Nothing except lie about it
Make better - tell the truth
make worse - continue to lie

The OP at no stage said it was okay to be to lied to ???

Yes he did say he would rather not know 

however when she brought it up or he asked she could of easily responded - you never wanted to know so im not saying anything which in that case would be perfectly fine !!!
instead she answered and gave trickled truths that have continued to *change *
that isnt what he agreed to and that is why its now bothering him - and a simple solution would be for her to just tell the truth !!
It's marriage smh that is why i asked at the beginning is it okay to lie in a marriage especially if the spouse feels there no *trust !!*


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TinyTbone said:


> Just that it's time to heal. Time to let go of the pain. I will love her as much regardless of the answer. But we can't move forward with only partial truths





TinyTbone said:


> Just that it's time to heal. Time to let go of the pain. I will love her as much regardless of the answer. But we can't move forward with only partial truths
> 
> My love for her won't change no matter what did or didn't happen a long, long time ago. I just want the real truth so it fits and can now be filed away into the bull**** file of life is all. Make sense? Besides the man died last year and had been our friend collectively for the last 33 years.


You keep saying that your “love for her won’t change” no matter what she admits to, but she does not believe that, nor should she. All those years ago what she admitted to was something that allowed you to keep the other man in your life as a friend. She and you do not really know how you would react if you found out it was a full on affair. 

You suspected that there may have been more but decided to let it go. It is too late to change the rules now. No good will come of it. If she never cheated again, you had many years of a good marriage that many will never know.


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