# 16 yrs sexless marriage



## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

hi  I'll try to make this to the point.

I am a woman in a sexless marriage for 16 years, married in my early 20s. I love my husband and he loves me... but he's never wanted sex. I've tried everything, offered everything, even (after years of desperation) offered kinky things like anal and threesome. I offered him BJs whenever he wanted them. He never wanted them, didn't want anything kinky, just didn't want sex, period. He usually ended up giving me pity sex a few times a year (which turned me off so much) until I gave up completely... more than once we went a couple years not having sex (I stopped trying to initiate about 6 years ago because it was so humiliating).

--AFAIK he does masturbate with regularity (he is secretive about it so I'm not sure)

--he has refused to see a dr to check for low testosterone, refused to see a therapist

--I tried meeting him (more than) halfway by just asking him to hold my hand and put his arm around me in lieu of sex-- he never did

--he says he isn't gay or bi. The only porn I've found him looking at is straight

--he is very transparent about computer/ phone/ email, I also know where his at work all the time (all men in his office except for one woman) so I am as sure as I can be he's not having an affair... also I've told him he can go to another woman if for whatever reason he's not attracted to me, so he would have no reason to hide it anyway (he just gives me a deer in headlights look when I've said this)

--he's never discussed the problem with me in depth. He'll say "we do have sex" (true, a handful of times a year) and expects me to drop the issue, since, if we "do have sex" what am I complaining about?

--I am not obese or ugly... I've made a real effort not to gain weight over the years in the hope that he might one day be more sexual with me (genuinely wanting it, not just pity sex). I weigh only 5 pounds more than when we got married, and I was slightly underweight then. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and sounds sincere when he says it.

So why am I here if I've given up? Well this new years he declared to me that he'd made a resolution to try to make amends with everyone in his life, including me. He apologized for the lack of sex, though he never went into WHY he never wanted sex, and began asking for sex when he was home. I told him not to do this for me (since I gave up so long ago) but if he is sexually frustrated or really wanted it (i.e., if it's not pity sex) then I am more than happy to accommodate him. I get the deer in headlights look at that point, or he rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, if *I* want it," or, "Yeah that's me, sexually frustrated." He has not done or said anything to me to indicate that he really desires me-- just that he's willing to cough up pity sex more frequently for my sake, which is a huge turn off for me. I would rather not have sex at all, than be given pity sex.

After all these years I have built up tremendous sadness and resentment over the sex issue. I've also become averse to his touch-- the few times he does touch me, I cringe. Let me be clear, though, that if he really wanted/ needed sex I would give it to him, since I know how devastating it is to be a refused spouse. But I no longer desire him because I learned to turn off those feelings a long time ago.

However, now he's starting to frame our lack of sex as ME refusing! He takes my, "Don't do it for my sake, but if you need it, I want to," as a "no." I'm starting to feel like I've been rope-a-doped, that he can now foist 16 years of sexlessness on me because I'm not eagerly dragging him to the bedroom when he announces that now-- after nearly two decades-- he's willing to make an effort. 

When we do have sex it is awkward and mechanical-- he's clearly not into it, in a deep way-- and yes I tried everything, for years, to try to entice him. Nothing worked.

Our relationship is good in every other way and neither of us wants a divorce.

Any thoughts or similar experiences?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I should also add-- I don't have a problem with him looking at porn (but I'm not sure if he does anymore) and have even offered to watch it with him (he said no). 

And, my main question (which I forgot to ask) is: should I take him up on the pity sex offers, in the hopes that it might lead to something genuine? I am afraid of being hurt even more-- say I take him up on the offer, only to have him "disappear" again and then I have to get used to being sexless all over again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have to admit this is a hard one as you are not sure of his current intentions. 

How much time does he spend on the computer when he's home?

Do you share a computer with him or do you each have your own?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

isla~mama said:


> Well this new years he declared to me that he'd made a resolution to try to make amends with everyone in his life, including me. He apologized for the lack of sex, though he never went into WHY he never wanted sex, and began asking for sex when he was home. I told him not to do this for me (since I gave up so long ago) but if he is sexually frustrated or really wanted it (i.e., if it's not pity sex) then I am more than happy to accommodate him. I get the deer in headlights look at that point, or he rolls his eyes and says, "Oh, if *I* want it," or, "Yeah that's me, sexually frustrated." He has not done or said anything to me to indicate that he really desires me-- just that he's willing to cough up pity sex more frequently for my sake, which is a huge turn off for me. I would rather not have sex at all, than be given pity sex.


Maybe he's trying to make amends and do better by you? Why not give him a chance instead of assuming he's doing it out of pity? I think it's a mistake to come off so antagonistic to him right off the bat. 

I feel your pain. My husband rejects me as well and I know all about the anger and pain rejection brings but if my husband was willing to work with me I'd be into giving it a shot but he pretty much tells me that he's the way he is and isn't going to change. Your husband seems to be trying to change. Don't shoot him down for that.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

He has his own computer and uses it-- in plain view of everyone-- for work. But he is fine with my using it, if I wanted to. I have never sensed he is hiding anything from me concerning his communication-- phone, internet, email. 

I also know that suddenly wanting sex after not wanting it can be a sign of an affair. He's also taking more interest in his appearance (another sign).

But as I've said, I did offer him to go to another woman if he was really not attracted to me, so why would he hide it. I don't want an open relationship but would consider it if that's what he "needed." 

He just doesn't seem to want, or enjoy sex.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Maybe he's trying to make amends and do better by you? Why not give him a chance instead of assuming he's doing it out of pity? I think it's a mistake to come off so antagonistic to him right off the bat.
> 
> I feel your pain. My husband rejects me as well and I know all about the anger and pain rejection brings but if my husband was willing to work with me I'd be into giving it a shot but he pretty much tells me that he's the way he is and isn't going to change. Your husband seems to be trying to change. Don't shoot him down for that.


Then why is he rolling his eyes and scoffing at me when I say I only want to do it if he genuinely wants it? Shouldn't it be easy enough for him to say-- yes! I want it! Get those clothes off baby!

But he just scoffs and says sarcastically, "Oh, if *I* want it." and then starts talking about something else.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

isla~mama said:


> I am afraid of being hurt even more-- say I take him up on the offer, only to have him "disappear" again and then I have to get used to being sexless all over again?


A genuine concern because that's what happened to me. 3 years ago, my husband approached me and suggested that we "start fresh" and I went forward with him on this. For about two years things did indeed get better. We had great sex and then it all blew up and became even worse. You have a legitimate fear. 

I will admit that it's worse to have it all dry up and be back to nothing.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

isla~mama said:


> Then why is he rolling his eyes and scoffing at me when I say I only want to do it if he genuinely wants it? Shouldn't it be easy enough for him to say-- yes! I want it! Get those clothes off baby!
> 
> But he just scoffs and says sarcastically, "Oh, if *I* want it." and then starts talking about something else.


 :scratchhead: Hmmm..I wonder what his game is? Certainly sounds like he's playing one but maybe he's the type who can't express himself well. 

Hey, you are talking to the ultimate pessimist/cynic here. 

I'm in a similar situation in that I don't want to divorce my husband. There's a lot about him that I like but we are separated now and I see the only "fix" is for us to be friends. I was hoping that would be "with benefits" but that's up to him. I'm no longer chasing, pleading, cajoling, etc. 

It gets to a point where you are just tired of being shot down, of having your pride stepped on repeatedly. 

Plus, having sex with someone who isn't into it, who doesn't talk to you or touch you or just LUST after you is pretty demeaning and sad, isn't it?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :scratchhead: Hmmm..I wonder what his game is? Certainly sounds like he's playing one but maybe he's the type who can't express himself well.
> 
> Hey, you are talking to the ultimate pessimist/cynic here.


I'm at a loss too. I appreciate your input and comments!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

It sounds like we have a similar input. 

I've tried to explain to my husband how being sexually rejected cuts right to the bone. It undermines your self esteem, you sense of self worth and respect. It really hurts. 

Plus, if you genuinely have NEEDS...it's terribly frustrating. 

I don't want to NOT be sexual. Once upon a time I did turn myself off and become angry and embittered. I don't want to be that person again. Not sure how to "fix" it. 

I do know that there are lots of interesting sex toys out there that I'll be treating myself to on Valentine's Day. 

My husband has rejected me on a lot of issues and I've gotten used to being alone, doing things for myself..so I guess this is just another thing on my long list. 

Some say to go and find a boyfriend. That's not my way but I often find myself wondering just how much loyalty I have left in me should the *right* guy come along. So far that hasn't happened. I kept hoping that my husband WAS the right guy but he seems so determined to keep pushing me away. 

You get pushed away enough then you turn and walk away. I can tell he's scared of this. He keeps saying how much I mean to him. He says that's it's not me, it's him and that there are other aspects to our marriage that mean should outweigh the sex. What he says has merit but IMO a HUGE aspect of marriage is the sexual part. To me, it's all several parts of one whole. If pieces go missing then there's a problem that needs fixing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> He has his own computer and uses it-- in plain view of everyone-- for work. But he is fine with my using it, if I wanted to. I have never sensed he is hiding anything from me concerning his communication-- phone, internet, email.


Well, to be truthful, it’s so easy to on things right in clear view that he could be doing things like using craigslist to hook up and you might never notice. Do he ever seem to close/change windows quickly when you enter a room? Do you have the passwords to all of his online accounts?


isla~mama said:


> I also know that suddenly wanting sex after not wanting it can be a sign of an affair. He's also taking more interest in his appearance (another sign). .


Yes it could be. 


isla~mama said:


> But as I've said, I did offer him to go to another woman if he was really not attracted to me, so why would he hide it. I don't want an open relationship but would consider it if that's what he "needed." .


He might not tell you because he’s afraid that no matter what you say you would be very unhappy about it. 

I don’t understand why you would do this? Why would you agree that he can have a girl friend when he has so clearly refused sex with you for years? Don’t you want a life with someone who loves you sexually as well? Why do you put his happiness at so high a level that you are willing to let him disrespect you? 

It seems that you think this is a loving attitude. It is not a loving attitude. 


isla~mama said:


> He just doesn't seem to want, or enjoy sex.


How much time a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things? Do you go places? Have dates? Have long conversations?

Do you work outside the home?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I only brought up the "other woman" offer after years of desperation and frustration. I guess I was just feeling in the dark to try to understand what on earth he wants or needs, sexually. But he acted shocked and surprised that I would even be thinking along those lines. :scratchhead: I don't see it as a loving attitude... but as a desperate, confused attitude.

He doesn't act squirrely at all on the computer... no quickly closed windows or anything like that. I do WOH part time, he is the main breadwinner though.

Around the time I gave up trying to initiate sex I also gave up trying to connect/ converse/ go on "dates" with him... so we have been living as friendly, polite roommates for quite a while now. But we really do love each other, I'm always so happy when he comes home and he loves me too... at least he claims to! We've built a nice life together, beautiful home and lovely children (we are very fertile apparently-- 2 of our kids were conceived with no sex in between).


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> It sounds like we have a similar input.
> 
> I've tried to explain to my husband how being sexually rejected cuts right to the bone. It undermines your self esteem, you sense of self worth and respect. It really hurts.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you've gone through this too. I also wonder how much loyalty I have left if the right guy came along. I get flirted with left and right but it just gives me the creeps, doesn't tempt me.

I have quite the collection of sex toys too . Love my wahl!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I'll see your 16 years and raise you to 25. These roles get so rote and mechanical that I don't know that we can break free. I begged for sex for years and suffered through a thousand rejections until it finally struck me numb. When I first sensed pity sex (a concept I had not heard of until I lived it) i was so mad and couldn't sleep for months. I married the wrong woman in this respect and have put an adventurous, tender, caring part of my personality on a shelf. How you can know this at 22 selecting someone to spend your life with, I don't know. I do know that at some point , there is no turning back.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I do not think your husband is having an affair. 16 years? I would have walked a long time ago. Do you have children? I do not know how people put up with this. He should be checked for low testosterone.

I complain about my wife having a low libido. She thinks having sex 4-6 times a month is plenty and thinks I have a problem because I need more.

You may want to speak with a professional about this without your husband and then with your husband. I know we all are creatures of comfort, but you need to make some changes.

Maybe you need to separate for a while, maybe your husband is taking you for granted knowing you will not take a walk. You need to flush this problem out.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

isla~mama said:


> I am so sorry you've gone through this too. I also wonder how much loyalty I have left if the right guy came along. I get flirted with left and right but it just gives me the creeps, doesn't tempt me.


I get flirted with plenty as well. Thing is, I have yet to meet anyone who I'm attracted to. Let's just say I'm REALLY fussy. 

And with all the crap my husband has put me through, it aggravates me to no end that I'm STILL attracted to him. I think I'm still attached to what was a few years back, when we had our "reconciliation" and he would flirt with me, tell me I was beautiful, go to rock bars with me and then we'd come home and have mad, passionate sex. 

But now that's gone. I feel now that I'm going through a break-up. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I'm trying to accept and deal with this. Until I get over my husband's constant rejection of me (on various things, not just sexually) I can't even imagine moving on to something or someone else. 

I have to move on emotionally before I make any decisions about what to do with him, our marriage or our relationship. He keeps hoping that I'll accept him "as is" and we can stay married. I just keep hoping that the pain will go away. Until then I'm taking steps to separate emotionally and build my own life without him. I can't trust him enough to build a life with him because he keeps dishing out the pain over and over again.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Is there any affection at all such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

That's a good question. 

For me, it's very "platonic" in nature. My husband will put his arm around me and cuddle with me if we are sitting next to each other. He says he just likes "being with" me and likes sleeping with me but anything "grabby" or sexual in nature has to be initiated by me and often I'm told that he's "too tired" or it's "too late" or it's just shrugged off. 

He says he just doesn't "feel that way" but he "enjoys the attention". The one-way situation gets old fast. I'm tired of giving, initiating, begging and ever getting anything back but a pat on the head or a hug here and there. 

I've told him I want to be "pursued" and "chased down", "grabbed" and flirted with. I want to be treated like a WOMAN dammit..not pet spaniel! 

Can you believe that sometimes he actually pats me on the head like I'm a DOG!! It gets me so MAD!!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

What about the honeymoon? Was there a lot of sex, or pretty sporadic even then?


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## TheDuude (Feb 2, 2012)

I'd say from a man's point of view, it's pretty much certain he has another outlet. Could be he has had a perfectly happy 16 yr affair that he needs no help with from you. His egotistical behaviors sound like he knows he has you just where he wants, you mother his children, make is dinners, and wants things to just stay the same. I'd get a private eye on him, I bet he has a mistress.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

isla~mama,
Did the two of you have sex before you married? If so what was it like? How long did you date?

There are people who just do not have a sex drive. He might be one.

Or he uses withholding as a way to control or punish you.

Or he's getting his sex another way, like at lunch time at work.

Nothing else makes sense.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Riverside MFT said:


> What about the honeymoon? Was there a lot of sex, or pretty sporadic even then?


I don't know if you are replying to me or the OP but the "honeymoon" was 23 years ago. I recall it being great. 

More recent was two years ago, when we "reconciled" after a long (15 year), sexless period in our marriage and were on the verge of divorce. We put things back together and had a terrific few years. There were problems but I thought things were good. We had some great times, awesome sex. He was literally the man I'd always dreamed of having..especially in bed. But unfortunately I didn't realize it at the time..he was drinking almost constantly too. 

Then he got depressed, became an alcoholic, stopped working and destroyed me and my kid's lives and went to live with his sick father, who promptly died 6 weeks later.

He inherited a bunch of money and a house when his father died and hasn't worked in over a year. He lives off his inheritance and plans fishing trips with his new boat. He's stopped drinking (after being told he would die if he continued drinking) this past October and since then he's been trying to get back together with me in various ways. He sent flowers and has been very nice and accommodating...basically being a good friend. 

At first I thought maybe we could put things back together but now I'm having serious doubts. I don't think he will really change..and mostly because he doesn't want to. He wants me to do all the accommodating to him and his needs even as he ignores mine. That's just not going to work.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> I'll see your 16 years and raise you to 25. These roles get so rote and mechanical that I don't know that we can break free. I begged for sex for years and suffered through a thousand rejections until it finally struck me numb. When I first sensed pity sex (a concept I had not heard of until I lived it) i was so mad and couldn't sleep for months. I married the wrong woman in this respect and have put an adventurous, tender, caring part of my personality on a shelf. How you can know this at 22 selecting someone to spend your life with, I don't know. I do know that at some point , there is no turning back.


Wow, that is a near perfect description of what has happened to me. I feel like he killed part of me and doesn't even realize it. Like the rich boy dropping his white coat in the mud. Nice (well, not nice!) to see I'm not the only one horrified by pity sex-- as much as I like sex!

Back in my 20s I assumed he would loosen up once we got married (sex was an issue even when we were dating). He was raised in a religious household so I figured once we were legitimate in the eyes of god, the reluctance would fade nicely into the background. Boy was I wrong!


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

gonefishin said:


> I do not think your husband is having an affair. 16 years? I would have walked a long time ago. Do you have children? I do not know how people put up with this. He should be checked for low testosterone.
> 
> I complain about my wife having a low libido. She thinks having sex 4-6 times a month is plenty and thinks I have a problem because I need more.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your thoughts but separation/ divorce isn't an option for either of us.... we really do love each other and have a beautiful (albeit sexless!!) life together. Our children are just amazing and have thrived in the stable environment we've set up. I can't create an earthquake in their lives just because I'm sex starved.... I just can't.

Once upon a time I went to a counselor alone to talk about this. He (counselor) concluded my husband must have been sexually abused not to want sex with me. Well my husband was an altar boy as a kid so I came home, told him the therapist's verdict, and asked if he'd ever been molested by the priests or anyone else. He cracked up laughing and said the worst he ever saw the priests do was drink wine and steal from the collection plate.

So he swears he's not a victim of sex abuse, he's not gay, and he's not bi, that he does find me attractive, so...? Why no sex?


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Riverside MFT said:


> Is there any affection at all such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.?


Nope. Zero. In fact, as I mentioned, I told him that if he couldn't handle sex for whatever reason, could he just hold my hand and put his arm around me every so often. That was about 10 years ago...


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

There is no way I could live with no sex in my relationship for 16 months, let alone 16 years. Nope, not exceptable to me, that to me is a DEAL BREAKER. Love is great and all, but when there is no passion or intimacy, well let's be honest, you can get that from your kids, parents, and friends. Good luck, I don't know what else to say.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Can you believe that sometimes he actually pats me on the head like I'm a DOG!! It gets me so MAD!!



My husband has done that too! Very rarely though as he hardly ever touches me.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Riverside MFT said:


> What about the honeymoon? Was there a lot of sex, or pretty sporadic even then?


It's been this way from the beginning. I was more aggressive and hopeful then so we did have sex more often (still not frequent), but he started rejected me more and more until I finally gave up.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

TheDuude said:


> I'd say from a man's point of view, it's pretty much certain he has another outlet. Could be he has had a perfectly happy 16 yr affair that he needs no help with from you. His egotistical behaviors sound like he knows he has you just where he wants, you mother his children, make is dinners, and wants things to just stay the same. I'd get a private eye on him, I bet he has a mistress.


If I've told him he can have an OW, why would he hide it? I even offered to do a threesome if that was his "thing." He doesn't seem to have a "thing." He just gives me a blank look when I discuss this. I think his outlet is his hand!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I have often wondered if our issues were hatched in the fire and brimstone of Catholic school. We both came from there but some people and their hangups are sturdier than others. I feel just as you do about dismantling our life together over this. What I do know is that when you get to be 50 and become more retrospective it become a much closer call.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

If his outlet is his hand you might wonder if he uses fantasy or porn to arouse himself. Both can bend the mind over 16 years and they are so much easier than a real emotional connection to a partner that he would not be the first guy to choose "easy".


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> If his outlet is his hand you might wonder if he uses fantasy or porn to arouse himself. Both can bend the mind over 16 years and they are so much easier than a real emotional connection to a partner that he would not be the first guy to choose "easy".


If he's not gay, not having an affair, and does masturbate, I guess the only reasonable conclusion is that he prefers porn and fantasy to the reality. I did offer to watch with him, but that didn't lead to anything.

Of course fantasy to arouse myself is basically all I've had for the past 16 years, but I digress. It does bend the mind-- the longer I went without the real thing the stranger and more elaborate my fantasies turned.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

It is the same for me. I am a visual person and my fantasies usually involve "settings" and atmosphere more than anything else. My wife wants to get right to missionary in the master bedroom as soon as everything is ready to go and I can feel the air going out of the balloon. Unfortunately, my fantasies are way better than my reality. Your point about the fantasies becoming more elaborate is what causes me to have to manage this aspect. When the gap between my fantasies and reality becomes too wide, the bent mind... it ends in a dull thud. I remain unsexed most of the time by choice to manage that gap. Ughh, hard to come face to face with but when lady luck finally shines on me I have to be at my best!


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You should know that if he is a porn watcher, his choice has very little to do with the reality that you present. No woman can compete with an endless variety of compliant, beautiful robots doing exactly what is selected in the search box. That probably also becomes more elaborate...


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## jadedlady (Mar 5, 2012)

I am also in a sexless marriage to a man who would rather masturbate to porn than have sex. It is an utterly humiliating life and the only reason I have remained as long as I have is because of my three young children. I did notice red flags before we married but attributed them to his hectic work life. I made too many excuses for him and now I filled with so much resentment. I tried the lingerie, initiating, setting up dates, surprising him but when your husband rejects you every time, you begin to give up and lose interest. Of course he blames me but I only initiated daily for five years before giving up. I am in my early 30's and the last time we had sex was in 2009. To anyone in a similar situation you have my sympathies-its a lonely experience to be married to someone who doesn't want you. I just wish I didn't settle before I took the plunge.


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## Timeforitaly (Jan 11, 2014)

Isla, Was wondering if things have gotten better. I read your situation and can totally relate. My wife and I have not had sex in 15 years. She is not interested. I express my issues with this and she says she will try. 6 months go by and we have the same conversation. I can't bring myself to leave which means I am weak or there are good things I choose not give up on. I wish I could understand what is going on in our relationships!!:scratchhead:

Hope your world has gotten better!


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## yolo62 (Dec 19, 2013)

I am a man in late 50's and, some 10 years ago, went though a long period of not too interested in sex, due mainly to worry about job security and tight financial matters. It was frustrating for my wife as she wanted more regular sex and felt rejected many times!. 

The situation is now reversed! I need to do it at least once a week, but she would only agree to once a month and possibly no more sex in a year's time!

All I can say is that you keep trying and, in the meantime, try to satisfy yourself with a vibrator, if you have one. You may also consider having an affair, if the opportunity arises. Good luck!


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