# Does sex mean everything is all better?



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm not happy with my husband right now. He's done some things lately that make me not want to have sex with him because I'm angry. 

However, everyone always says NOT to stop having sex with your spouse. That if stop when you're angry or when a person does something you don't like it's manipulative and spiteful.

But I don't want to do it. I feel like I'm compromising myself and how I feel to let him have his way. At any rate, I don't want him to think that just because I submit to him sexually that I am not still upset about how he has hurt me. 

I just don't want him to think that because we still have sex that things are all better now. Do men think that?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you cannot force sex, that is, you cannot force sexual desire. i wouldnt want that from my wife at all. instead i would want to address what is causing the lack of desire. while regular sex makes me generally happier (at least thats what i remember), it has to be sex that is happening because we both want it to, because everything is generally ok.

being angry with his actions or behaviors are NOT emotions that are condusive to good sex. have you discussed the things that he is doing to pizz you off? i would clear the air then have make up sex


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Yes we've discussed the issues, but I'm not satisfied. I feel like he is blowing smoke up my butt to appease me so I'll be cheerful again. 

I don't know how to get through to him and it feels like withholding sex is the only thing that is drastic enough to give him a wakeup call that's I'm not happy the way things are.

I'm torn because I don't want to do it. I love having sex with him. I think about it every day and I'm very attracted to him. I even woke him up this morning with a bj just because I can't keep my hands off of him. I just wonder if I'm sending the wrong message. I did it because I'm attracted to him but I'm still not happy with where we are in this relationship.

I just don't want to confuse him.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

jeez, woke him up with a BJ? yeah, that might make him feel like everything is ok.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> jeez, woke him up with a BJ? yeah, that might make him feel like everything is ok.


Damn it! *sigh*

Well I'm going to have to have a talk with him tonight because everything is NOT okay.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

and i hope he truly listens to what you have to say. i have had some serious talks with my wife lately, and i thought she was listening. but the roller coaster continues, good luck themrs


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I can't remember if it was in this forum somewhere or elsewhere (or both) but I've heard that even in a downturn in your relationship, going through a rough patch or whatever you should definitely not stop having sex. 

If you go a long period without sex it can be difficult to get that intimacy back even when the other problems are resolved. Also, I think that it could create further problems by denying a partner sex. I think it can separate you emotionally and maybe even cause more issues then the original problem...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

mike1 said:


> I can't remember if it was in this forum somewhere or elsewhere (or both) but I've heard that even in a downturn in your relationship, going through a rough patch or whatever you should definitely not stop having sex.
> 
> If you go a long period without sex it can be difficult to get that intimacy back even when the other problems are resolved. Also, I think that it could create further problems by denying a partner sex. I think it can separate you emotionally and maybe even cause more issues then the original problem...


Then what is the alternative? How do I as a woman let my husband know how serious something is to me AND continue to have sex with him at the same time?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Do not withhold sex as punishment for feeling he is blowing smoke up your butt, or for anyreason. Intentionally withholding sex is a form of abuse... it will destroy your relationship. If you enjoy it, do it. He knows where you stand on the other issues outside the bed... and having sex isnt going to send him the message that oh forget it, everything's is fine... it just sends the message that you are still committed and attracted in spite of your disagreements.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

themrs said:


> Then what is the alternative? How do I as a woman let my husband know how serious something is to me AND continue to have sex with him at the same time?


What type of thing is bothering you? If you have stated to him in direct non-confrotative communication what is bothering you, then he knows. Have you communicated directly about what changes you would like? 

Its hard to advise not knowing the issue, but somehting like "I dont like it when you speak to me that way in front of your family, it makes me feel like you dont support me. Would you be able to try not to speak to me that way in the future?"

Again, stopping the sex on purpose will only give HIM something to be pissed of about you and he will be less willing to deal with your original issue.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Do not withhold sex as punishment for feeling he is blowing smoke up your butt, or for anyreason. Intentionally withholding sex is a form of abuse... it will destroy your relationship. If you enjoy it, do it. He knows where you stand on the other issues outside the bed... and having sex isnt going to send him the message that oh forget it, everything's is fine... it just sends the message that you are still committed and attracted in spite of your disagreements.


:iagree:


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Do not withhold sex as punishment for feeling he is blowing smoke up your butt, or for anyreason. Intentionally withholding sex is a form of abuse... it will destroy your relationship. If you enjoy it, do it. He knows where you stand on the other issues outside the bed... and having sex isnt going to send him the message that oh forget it, everything's is fine... it just sends the message that you are still committed and attracted in spite of your disagreements.


I can buy this, however sex for me doesn't send the same message. It's like a truce. It's like saying, "Whatever was bothering me isn't bothering me anymore because I feel lovingly enough towards you to have sex with you."

At the current moment, I don't have those feelings. I feel resentful and sad. I feel frustrated and confused. I am deeply hurt by the circumstances and feel defeated as we have been here before.

I am still attracted to my husband and I am still committed to our relationship, but it doesn't seem right to have sex with him when I'm not feeling lovingly towards him. I feel like I'm using him. I actually feel MORE manipulative by having sex when not happy with the status of our relationship because it makes me feel as I'm telling a lie.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> What type of thing is bothering you? If you have stated to him in direct non-confrotative communication what is bothering you, then he knows. Have you communicated directly about what changes you would like?
> 
> Its hard to advise not knowing the issue, but somehting like "I dont like it when you speak to me that way in front of your family, it makes me feel like you dont support me. Would you be able to try not to speak to me that way in the future?"
> 
> Again, stopping the sex on purpose will only give HIM something to be pissed of about you and he will be less willing to deal with your original issue.


Here is the problem:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/10742-its-so-hard-respect-my-husband-when-he-does-stupid-stuff.html

I'm not going to stop having sex with him. I don't want to stop because I'm attracted to him.

I am conflicted by my feelings of wanting to have sex with him and wanting him to know how serious I am about changing the problems we have in our marriage. We have talked about it before, but nothing changes. This has been going on for years. I've never stopped having sex with him. We generally have sex 3-4 times a week. 

I just don't know how to get through to him and I feel like I've tried everything.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I think you are overthinking the sex part and not focusing enough on how to directly communicate 1) what the problem you have is and 2) ask him for a specific change to remedy as I outlined in my other post.

Dont attch so much emotional fuel to the sex department... you woke him up with a bj this morning! You maybe conflicted about the issue you are having with him. Do not confuse this with your sex life... they are separate in healthy relationships. In unhealthy relationships sex is used as a means to punish or control when one spouse feels wronged... dont go that way.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> I think you are overthinking the sex part and not focusing enough on how to directly communicate 1) what the problem you have is and 2) ask him for a specific change to remedy as I outlined in my other post.
> 
> Dont attch so much emotional fuel to the sex department... you woke him up with a bj this morning! You maybe conflicted about the issue you are having with him. Do not confuse this with your sex life... they are separate in healthy relationships. In unhealthy relationships sex is used as a means to punish or control when one spouse feels wronged... dont go that way.


I've talked to my husband in every conceivable way for years. We've made budgets, plans, goals. . . you name it. 

I've read books, done love dares, etc. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired.

I'm not trying to USE sex as a way to punish or control, I just feel as if the fact that we continue to have sex on a frequent basis makes him feel as if things aren't as bad as they really are to me.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks for the link! In this case, since there really were no details, just mention of mistakes. I dont know what religion you are or if it really matters. Jesus said on the cross as he was being killed "Forgive them for they know not what they do." I think this might be one of those times when you just have to look at your husband and realize he just makes mistakes, more than you would like. The fact that you see him not learning from those mistakes... just tell yourself, he knows not what he does and smile or chuckle... It is part of who he is and his mistakes are his and not to hurt you (from what it sounds). Accept that as a part of him and continue to love him as you do... your frustration is yours... that you need to deal with. No amount of talking with him to quit the mistakes is going to get him to stop from making them... that is a fruitless conversation with an ugly and disappointing ending for you. Your choice is to accept him, mistakes and all. Punishing him for his mistakes will not make him stop making them.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Thanks for the link! In this case, since there really were no details, just mention of mistakes. I dont know what religion you are or if it really matters. Jesus said on the cross as he was being killed "Forgive them for they know not what they do." I think this might be one of those times when you just have to look at your husband and realize he just makes mistakes, more than you would like. The fact that you see him not learning from those mistakes... just tell yourself, he knows not what he does and smile or chuckle... It is part of who he is and his mistakes are his and not to hurt you (from what it sounds). Accept that as a part of him and continue to love him as you do... your frustration is yours... that you need to deal with. No amount of talking with him to quit the mistakes is going to get him to stop from making them... that is a fruitless conversation with an ugly and disappointing ending for you. Your choice is to accept him, mistakes and all. Punishing him for his mistakes will not make him stop making them.



This post makes me want to cry because I am so frustrated. I'm at the end of my rope. I feel like I've loved him too much and that's why he doesn't understand the gravity of his actions and how much they hurt me.

I just don't know what to do. His mistakes are taking a toll on me and I am losing patience. It's been five years and he has to go to court again TODAY for some more traffic violations. 

These things make me feel so insecure and inhibit my sexuality a lot because I feel less respect for him for not making me secure financially. He has mentioned anal sex and I won't even consider it because I don't feel safe with him. 

Simply put, he isn't fulfilling my fundamental need to feel secure while I continue to fill his fundamental need for sex. I feel resentment because of this.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i really dont blame you.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

> he isn't fulfilling my fundamental need to feel secure


Not trying to offend you, or make you feel bad in any way. I'm just asking a simple question...did it ever occur to you that you might be able to feel secure on your own? As in, without relying on your husband for that?

If that's the way he is, it might be pretty hard and unfair to try change him. And you still are attracted to him. So wouldn't it be easier to ...i dunno, try to provide that financial security for yourself? Might it also be useful to somehow separate your sexuality from the practical aspects of your marriage, from the affection aspects of the marriage? As in, don't let what he does out of the bedroom affect what happens in the bedroom so much?

Was just curious. 

From my experience, witholding sex almost never works. I mean, it works for 2-3 weeks, but then the person always either feels controlled, or frustrated, or miserable, and on top of what problems you already have, you will most likely create new ones too by doing that.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Not trying to offend you, or make you feel bad in any way. I'm just asking a simple question...did it ever occur to you that you might be able to feel secure on your own? As in, without relying on your husband for that?
> 
> If that's the way he is, it might be pretty hard and unfair to try change him. And you still are attracted to him. So wouldn't it be easier to ...i dunno, try to provide that financial security for yourself? Might it also be useful to somehow separate your sexuality from the practical aspects of your marriage, from the affection aspects of the marriage? As in, don't let what he does out of the bedroom affect what happens in the bedroom so much?
> 
> ...


I don't know how to separate the two. My mind doesn't just shut off the things that are happening in my life when I walk into the bedroom. I'm not a man. 

I have a job. I've worked every single day of our marriage. I even worked to support him while he was going to school to become a nurse (a field in which he does not currently work) and I was pregnant for the first time at the time. I've done all I can do to be financially secure on my own. 

But if I have to do that, then I mine as well be on my own. One of the benefits of being married is having a man provide for you and take care of you. Doing this makes me feel loved. When he does not do it, I do not feel loved and it's hard for me to perform in the bedroom under those circumstances.

I am not going to deny him sex. I've never done it and I don't plan on starting now. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's just really frustrating. I always thought that if I gave him everything he most needed he would do the same for me. It's not turning out that way. 

Oh well.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

themrs said:


> I don't know how to separate the two. My mind doesn't just shut off the things that are happening in my life when I walk into the bedroom. I'm not a man.


Well, are you having sex for him or for you? Having sex for yourself means you are doing it because you enjoy it. Instead of feeling like you're giving it to HIM...you might consider that you really are doing it for your own pleasure as well...and that it is one way in which right now he can make you feel good and make you see him as a man. It's ok if you don't see things this way, but i'm just providing a different perspective. 



> But if I have to do that, then I mine as well be on my own. One of the benefits of being married is having a man provide for you and take care of you. Doing this makes me feel loved. When he does not do it, I do not feel loved and it's hard for me to perform in the bedroom under those circumstances.


This is where women tend to think differently,because some are more traditional and others more rebellious. In this aspect i'm completely different from your way of thinking, because i hate the thought of a guy taking care of me and providing. But i do understand what it means for you. 



> I always thought that if I gave him everything he most needed he would do the same for me. It's not turning out that way.


Look, how can i say this. Maybe he doesn't fully understand what you are asking for and what you need. When people ask for something, they know exactly what they need in their mind. Then they end up saying 'i need you to take care of me'...

Now, since the spouse isn't in your head, he/she doesn't even know where to begin. Take care of you how? Financially, make you food, rub your back, kiss you more?...They might even try a couple of times to do what they THINK you need...see that it's not working and give up on the idea. Even 'i want you to take care of me by providing' might backfire, because the spouse may think 'hey, but i already bring a paycheck home, what more can she need?'. 

Maybe this is the case, maybe it isn't. And as silly and intuitive as this all seems ...there are plenty of cases where these kinds of misunderstandings happen, specially since we don't communicate our every thought to eachother. So, i dunno, sit down and have a talk once with him, eventually when you ask him to do something, also ask him if he understands what that means and what to do exactly to please you. You might end up finding out that he painted a pretty different picture in his mind. It's worth a shot.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I've got nothing left to lose except hope. I'll talk to him again. 

He has a job, he's just irresponsible with money and not very consistent. He doesn't take my needs seriously. Maybe he thinks I ask too much of him, idk. 

All I know is I'm tired and I feel like giving up.


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