# What do I want? Arrgghh!



## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm driving myself mad trying to decide whether I want a divorce or not. My H and I have been together 7 years, married 2 of them, he's 33 and I'm 30. He's lovely, but we've both changed since meeting in our early/mid 20s and I don't know whether we're compatible anymore.

1) I think I want children - at least I want my H's children. If he came home tonight and said he wanted to start trying, I'd do it. However, he doesn't want any children in the foreseeable future if at all. I know this is a deal breaker and have discussed it separately in the General Discussion forum, but there are other issues separate from this issue.

2) He's become very self absorbed in his change of chosen career path and related extra curricular activities. He's not very interested in being interested in my interests anymore, whilst I still am in his. He's not very interested in doing anything that doesn't relate to his interests/what he wants to do. I think I do more for him than he does for me, and don't feel I am/the marriage is his priority.

3) He's not verbally or physically affectionate, or emotionally intelligent. He says he shows affectionate by helping me with a practical task, which is very kind of him, but he doesn't see the point in being romantic or impulsive, and reports it's just not who he is and doesn't make any attempt to meet me half way. I really enjoy being verbally affectionate and impulsive, but feel inhibited because it's not reciprocated. 

4) Due to points 2 and 3, I'm not confident that the marriage would have sufficient quality in the long-term.

5) I only trust him 95% due to questionable actions 2 years ago, which he continues to deny, but really hurts me still when I'm feeling down. We attended marriage guidance at the time.

...but then I get stuck, because (and I'm probably opening the gauntlet here) I worry about divorcing, then not being able to find anyone and being alone. I want to be happy with my H, and usually we are happy in the present. He's kind and funny and tells me he doesn't want to divorce. 

But the future is always on the horizon - figuratively and literally! I can't continue living without thinking about what I want in the future. I know I need to make my mind up on whether I want children, and irrespective of this, whether I want to find someone who is more compatible with my current self, and enable him to find someone more compatible with him too.

I guess I just needed a rant  but any comments/feedback are welcome.

PS: He's aware I might want children, he's aware I'm unhappy with our marriage at times, he's aware we've changed, he's aware I am more verbally/physically affectionate than him and wish he was too. We communicate often.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't have kids until you're more sure about the future of your marriage. I think the odds are that having them will NOT improve the relationship. So unless you're prepared to be a single mom...

C


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Honestly, you should not be considering having children with this man, not now, for sure, and maybe never.

If he is sure he does not want kids "in the foreseeable future," then this is all you need to know. If it is a deal breaker, it is a deal breaker. Don't even consider the other things if you have this issue, b/c this is non-negotiable. Even if you were perfectly happy otherwise, this issue would be out there and waiting is a risk for you that it is not for him--both because you are a woman, and b/c you have these other issues. 

Remember that having children makes things much harder--your mutual love for them may keep you together, but it means each of you does not want to break up the family b/c of the kids. It does NOT mean he will make changes to make sure you are happy enough to stay--he will just blame YOU if you decide, after kids, that you just aren't happy enough to stay. The partner who is left never seems to realize that s/he is 50% responsible for the break down of the marriage, or at least that is how it seems on this board. They want to have you stay despite your unhappiness, on their "promise" that things will change, when they have had years--and plenty of notice--that things need to improve. Do you want to be fighting that battle at 40? 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I agree with everything sisters359 said except for the "maybe never" part. There's no way to conclude that from your post. However, do not have children with him right now. The way you are feeling will certainly NOT improve with children. Children are a great reward and at the same time a sacrifice. You will NOT get out of your husband what you seek by having children. As a matter of fact it would go in the other direction - fast. As sisters359 said, having children makes things MUCH harder. Your love and bond with each other better be intact and in tiptop shape before you decide to have children because they will use up the majority of your time and whatever time you need to mend your relationship simply won't be there; and that's not good for your marriage right now.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Thanks guys. What I'm hearing is one decision is not separate from the other, and even if one were to change, it would not necessarily mean the other would improve as a result. And don't worry, I don't want children with someone who doesn't want them, there's enough messed up people and families out there as a result of that.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Good advice from sisters359.

You are still only 30. I met my husband at 33 and still managed to have 2 children without any problems. The fact that my marriage is now a shambles and he says that I only married him to have children makes me think he felt trapped and it's not what he really wanted after all.

Some men are never ready to have children though, and what surprises me about this is when you do leave them, you find out that they are having a baby with someone-else. Very confusing.


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## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Thanks mswren7. I've heard of that before (wife leaves husband due to wanting children, next time she sees him he's pushing a pram). In my completely novice and unprofessional opinion, I figure it's because whilst the husband has a wife and all the facilities and possibilities of having a family at their disposal, it doesn't matter to them because it's kind of there when they're ready for it. However, I think once the wife leaves, the husband realises what they don't have anymore, realise it was something they wanted or need to reinstate the possibility of having it incase they change their mind, and go about looking to rectify the situation with someone else. Works vice versa of course.


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