# what to do for mom and dad



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My mom is 85 years old. She fell last april and broke her tibia and had surgery. She is still in recovery and can't walk without a walker. Additionally, she has complications with peripheral neuropathy and an ulcer that won't heal on her right heel.

She's always been a bit cranky and hard on my dad, but this has increased since her fall, and she's driving my dad nuts and depressed. 

Now my dad has urinary tract infection and had to spend 3 days in the hospital. He's 92 yo. 

I try to be there for them when i can. They don't demand much of me, but they do appreciate when I come by, at least twice a week. I live 15 miles away with my wife who is an RN.

When my dad was in the hospital, i went to see him every day.

My brother and sister in law got back from a long trip to europe to discover my dad was in the hospital, so they came by and spent several days with mom and dad. They live up north about 250 miles and delayed going home to be with mom and dad.

they picked him up and drove him home and the next day, he was so weak he fell 3 times and bruised himself all over.

me and my brother discussed what to do, so we tried to discuss them moving to an assisted care condo type of place.
My mom will have none of it! In fact a few months before the accident, my Dad tried to talk to my mom about moving and she blew up at him.

So, we tried to talk them into getting full time home care. 
No way! We brought in a rep. from a local home care center to discuss full or part time home care, and my Dad's reaction was; "i don't like that guy at all, he's a salesman!"
Well, my brother said "ok, we'll bring somebody else".

No, my Dad doesn't like the idea. We tried to at to talk him into at least discussing with someone, IN CASE they ever need anyone. He very, very reluctantly agreed to look into it, but he probably won't.

My mom is in total denial saying "I don't need anyone, I'm able to take care of myself".

So here they are living together, both of them 70% disabled and they don't want anybody helping them except family. they are both living dangerously and another fall or incident will send them back to the hospital, kill them, or put them in a wheelchair for life. And my dad is depressed about everything but refuses help. He even tried to talk to my brother to get him to move down here and take care of them. Of course my brother is retired and lives 250 miles away and has a life and him and his wife travel a lot.

I should say that there is a nurse who comes in every day to dress my mom's wounds, but she's only there an hour or so, and that's all she does.

finally, my brother said, well, they still have their minds functioning (although that is slowly going too, but they only have a bit of dementia, not too bad), so we can't make them do anything.

We agreed we are going to buy them a life alert, that's all we can do for now i guess, even though they don't want that either, we are just going to get it.

there's all that, and then me mulling in my mind, thinking, well, how much of this is selfishness on our part? How much of this is so that we siblings don't feel guilty. After all, they have their mental capacity still for the most part, if they don't want help, they should be able to decide for themselves, we shouldn't push them. they know the risks. they don't want to move, don't want any stranger there. who the hell are we to pressure them,
just to feel like we're doing something?

what to do, what to do...


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

It sounds to me as if you and your brother are doing what you can when they will let you for your parents.

As your brother said as long as they are still in their right minds you cannot "make them" do anything. You have to achieve things through consent.

Having frail / elderly family members is an increasingly common concern for so many people now (the aging population) and I do not think there are any “one size fits all” solutions. You just have to be understanding of their wish to remain independent for as long as possible whilst continuing to offer support and ideas to them.

Best off luck.


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