# Update and some questions.



## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Hello everyone, 

Hope you're all doing OK.

OK, most of you know my story, but I will sum up real quick for anyone that reads this that doesn't know it then I will move on with the post.

Married for 17 years. 2 kids 12 and 16. Many wonderful years. Then Ex was introduced to snorting oxys and lortabs then quit taking her meds for bi-polar and depression. Her personality changed and she turned cold and unfeeling and then she left. She took out DVP(Restraining Order) to keep me away from her so I couldn't try to talk her out of leaving and talk to her about the drug use. She would not communicate at all.

OK now the update.
She has suddenly decided to drop the DVP. She did ask that I not "blow up her phone" when I call her (Her way of saying not to call 5 or 6 times a day.), but texting is not a problem. I have to admit. She works in customer support and is on the phone all day and hates to talk on the phone to anyone.
She said I can have our girls for half of or their entire spring break. My chioce. Almost like she has feelings again and she is feeling guilt over keeping the kids from me.
When I talk to my daughters in the evening my youngest tends to put me on speaker so she can talk to me and I can help her beat bosses on her DSi games. I look up guides online and tell her what to do when the game gets tough. It's our way of doing something together while we are apart.
Well my ex has been kidding around and laughing and play picking with me in the background on the phone when it is on speaker. She every once in a wile actually talks directly to me a little, but again from the background. She never actually gets on the phone, but has said she will call me soon.
She seems though like she wants me to take some or most of the responsibility for making her want to leave. The more I show I am willing to look at it and think about my roll in the split the more she seems like she wants to interact.
I am willing to look inside and look hard at the past and see if it was my fault even a little, but to me it looked pretty clear what happened.

She was getting close to 40 and was wanting to hang on to her youth.
She started hanging with some young crazy girls.
She got on drugs with those girls.
She stopped taking her meds for her issues because the drugs made her feel she didn't need the meds anymore.
She got out of her right mind and her personality changed.
She left her marriage.

Seems pretty clear to me.

The only thing I can think of is I didn't approve of us using drugs and doing a lot of partying and discouraged her from doing strange colors and things wither her hair(like coloring it purple, green, blue and such) and getting certain types of piercings and tattoos cause we have kids to raise properly and set a good example for. Perhaps she feels I stifled her, but I still ended up going along with her on the hair and stuff and even helped her pick out colors and jewelry and helped color her hair.

I'm pleasantly hopeful yet nervously apprehensive and painfully confused... lol

Thanks for any conversation on this change of events and any insight and invite any questions.

Thanks guys  Much love to you all.


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## harley (Apr 14, 2011)

It can not be a blame game. It definitly sounds like she is the root cause, but does it mean more to you to be right or get your family back together. I am not trying to lecture. Just be happy you are making progress. I would also be prepared to be the one to say it is over though too. If you have kids they are your number one concern. If she is not willing to stop the drugs and running around you have to let her go. You have to protect your kids from that kind of environment. I hope for your whole family that she is willing to stop her new destructive behavior.
Good luck.


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## ExMe (Mar 24, 2011)

Well she has been texting and talking to me on the phone several times a day.
She is being very friendly and says she likes my new attitude what ever that means. I don't think I am acting much different than when we were married. Yet she is acting as though she cares for me and my well being and wants to interact with me often, but not in person yet.
She said she has not taken any drugs for about 6 or so weeks and unfortunately that includes her meds for her mental issues.
Now I will say she has been staying at her mother's for that period of time and her mother would not put up with my ex partying and such. So now that we both are looking for a separate places to live I guess we will have to see what she does on her own. Stay off the oxy and lortab and such or go back to it since she will have no one to stand in her way.

She is still confusing me though. She says at one moment "I don't want what I am about to say to get your hopes up about us getting back together" then at another moment in the same conversation she says "we need to take us getting back together in baby steps". She has said both of these statements a few times during our conversations.

I know I would love for us to be back together.
She used to make me feel sure she never wanted to even think of being married again or with anyone in a committed way again.
Now she makes me feel not completely sure how she really feels about getting back together at some point. So i guess that is a step away from no chance and closer to a good chance.

Anyway so there is the situation as it is now.

Any thoughts or guidance?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think you have to think less about what she may or may not decide and more about the terms on which you'll LET her come back. If it were me, I would need some very strong boundaries in place where she's concerned.

First off--your kids need to be safe. Safe from her drug use and safe from any erratic behavior that could result from her choosing not to treat her medical condition. Whether you get back together or not, you need to make sure that groundwork is in place to ensure that, whether it's documentation for custody or conditions for her to return and stay in the home.

Second--if she's going to come back, she has to be sober at the very least. For you and for your kids.

Third--I would want proof that she's treating her bipolar disorder. Otherwise, she may well just start the whole cycle all over again when her moods cycle again.

As much as you love her and want to make things work, it really sounds like she's the one who needs to do the work on herself. Are you really going to be able to trust that she's invested in returning or stable enough to return if you don't have these conditions in place?


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