# I feel terrible



## Brisby (Jul 24, 2012)

So, been having an affair with my neighbor for about 7 months now. I've never cheated on anyone in my life before I was married. 

Been married about 3 years now. It's been generally good with ups and downs, but I've honestly been less than happy for a while. I don't know if I got married for the wrong reasons, (seemed like the "next step"), or whatever but I don't feel my wife and I are on the same page.

The OW I've known for a while. One night after some drinking it just happened. Filled with insane guilt, I didn't talk to or see her for a couple months. Well about 3 months ago we ran into each other and everything has gotten completely out of control since. I know people on here talk about a fog or whatever, but this girl and I are so into each other. . 

So if anything this has really helped me open up to my wife about my unhappiness. It's caused alot of grief for us, but things that really needed said. We're going to counseling and I am really trying to use this as a tool to open up. I feel like the communication, (about things besides hows work, where we going on vaca, etc), is pretty horrible.

I feel horrible for what I'm doing to my wife and horrible not being able to be with the OW. I really think I need to end my marriage, but do not want to crush my wife. She really is a great person, but I really can't see myself with here anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What's the point of marriage counselling if you are still having an affair with someone else?

What's the point of opening up about your "unhappiness" if you haven't even told you wife you've been sleeping with the neighbor (who I assume she knows) for about half of your marriage? 

Of course the "communication" is "pretty horrible." That's because you're not committed to your marriage and still running around on your wife. How on earth do you expect your marriage to do well when you are still lying to and disrespecting your wife every day? 

If you feel as bad as you say you do, you'd end the affair and/or divorce yoru wife who surely deserves better than what you are shelling out to her. 

Flip this: if your wife was fvcking another man, a neighbor, no less, for 7 months now, telling you how unhappy she was and how awful your communication was and then showing up to farce of "marriage counselling" (while continuing to have sex with someone behind your back) and saying how she felt horrible for not being able to "be with the OM"--how would you feel? 

Would you think it was ok?

Divorce your wife. She deserves a better husband.

These threads.....


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Im sort of going through something similar myself at the moment. I totally get the feeling that you are horrible, but yet can't stop yourself from feeling the way you do. There is no way out of this without unfortunately hurting someone, but if you feel so strongly about OW, then you can't ignore that either
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So what,are you going to keep your wife in this limbo as well.Pretty selfish imo.Have you even told your wife and gone NC with the OW?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Thats the fog right there, blimey it just got thicker










Standard Cheater script. 

Its upto you how you're going to go resolving this, but I wager you're going to prolong your stay in foggy land till the OWH finds out and kicks her to the curb and your wife gets to know the truth and does the same to you. And then lo and behold, the fog disappears


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## Brisby (Jul 24, 2012)

TBT said:


> So what,are you going to keep your wife in this limbo as well.Pretty selfish imo.Have you even told your wife and gone NC with the OW?


Haven't told the wife. Tried the NC thing and it was a disaster for both the OW and I. 

I'm leaning heavy towards divorce b/c I can't keep putting my wife through this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Brisby said:


> So, been having an affair with my neighbor for about 7 months now. I've never cheated on anyone in my life before I was married.
> 
> Been married about 3 years now. It's been generally good with ups and downs, but I've honestly been less than happy for a while. I don't know if I got married for the wrong reasons, (seemed like the "next step"), or whatever but I don't feel my wife and I are on the same page.
> 
> ...


Cheating that early in a marriage is a very bad sign. 

If you are unhappy please do the right thing and ask your wife for a divorce. 

Set her free so she can find a more honest man. She deserves that. 

Also, I hope you and your affair partner marry, you seem to be cut from the same cloth and you both seem to want each other so badly. 

Perhaps you deserve each other.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Brisby said:


> Haven't told the wife. Tried the NC thing and it was a disaster for both the OW and I.
> 
> I'm leaning heavy towards divorce b/c I can't keep putting my wife through this.


 Uh huh. And after you and the OW have been in an actual relationship for a couple of years, you will do the same thing again....... lucky her.


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## Brisby (Jul 24, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Uh huh. And after you and the OW have been in an actual relationship for a couple of years, you will do the same thing again....... lucky her.


Thanks Dawn, I deserve it. 

I mean it is possible to fall for someone else right?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Are you trying to justify your less than honourable behaviour sir?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Brisby said:


> Thanks Dawn, I deserve it.
> 
> I mean it is possible to fall for someone else right?


Yes. it is. But, do the right thing and ask for a divorce before you start dating other women while married. 

It's really very simple. 

If your not just in the affair fog and truly do not love your wife, let her go. 

Please don't detain and torture her until you make up your mind while having your cake and eating it, too.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

But this clearly is foggy speak. Ambivalence at its best, thats foggy as foggy can be


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Brisby said:


> Thanks Dawn, I deserve it.
> 
> I mean it is possible to fall for someone else right?


What do you want from us here at TAM? You have two options that I see

1) quit seeing the OW immediately, go to counseling with your W and work on your marriage

2) serve your wife divorce papers and try your luck with the OW

Trying to stay married while banging the OW might be what you want to do, but it never works. Is the OW married?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Brisby said:


> Thanks Dawn, I deserve it.
> 
> I mean it is possible to fall for someone else right?


 I think the reality here is that you base your happiness on your spouse/OW MAKING you happy instead of realizing that happiness come from within. When or how you ever come to realize that, you are going to realize you just completely sh** all over your wife all for some cheap fun sex with a woman who has NO PROBLEMS sleeping with a married man. That's who you are in love with? A woman who has no moral regards for marriage? Don't be surprised when one or both of you end up cheating on the other.


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## Brisby (Jul 24, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> What do you want from us here at TAM? You have two options that I see
> 
> 1) quit seeing the OW immediately, go to counseling with your W and work on your marriage
> 
> ...


I pretty much knew what I was going to get on here. Yes, I know I'm a POS. I guess more to vent than anything.

OW is not married. That's it, I DON'T want to keep doing this. It's killing me, plus not fair to anyone else. Path 2 is looking like the direction. Gonna crush my wife though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Brisby said:


> I'm leaning heavy towards divorce b/c I can't keep putting my wife through this.


Then do it. 

Cut the chord and go run off with the OW into the sunset. What's the hold up? 7 months is a long time to be living a lie and deceiving someone into thinking you are truly all about them. Stop wasting both of your times.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

mestalla guy said:


> Im sort of going through something similar myself at the moment. I totally get the feeling that you are horrible, but yet can't stop yourself from feeling the way you do. There is no way out of this without unfortunately hurting someone, but if you feel so strongly about OW, then you can't ignore that either
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gentlemen, with all due respect ... I understand that you do not have control over your emotions. But the rest of this is horse-hockey. You have not been captured by body snatchers. You are adult, sentient beings who have control over your actions. You took the actions you chose and now people are hurt, or they likely will be once you stop lying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Neither of them has reached that level of accountability or responsibility or maturity, Pluto.

So your words, while spot on, will be meaningless to both of them.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Divorcing your wife isn't what is going to "crush" her, sleeping with another woman is. The damage is already done, stop delaying it. Hope it was worth it.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

You need to get away from both women to enable you to grow up before entering another relationship. 

Your wife is going to be crushed, whether you tell her now or not. She will find out at some point. Not telling her now piles disrespect upon betrayal. That is just nasty.

As said you will do the same to the OW that you have done to your wife unless you take my first sentence seriously.

In any even get into IC to work out why this has happened and to stop it messing up the rest of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Brisby, you do know that statistically relationships that start as affairs have only a 3% chance of ever working out for the long term.

So to me I suspect that one day you will regret so much your decision to leave your wife and hook up with a woman that in my opinion knows your married and thinks nothing of still sleeping with you...great catch! But then again your not either...


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## Brisby (Jul 24, 2012)

Seesaw said:


> You need to get away from both women to enable you to grow up before entering another relationship.
> 
> Your wife is going to be crushed, whether you tell her now or not. She will find out at some point. Not telling her now piles disrespect upon betrayal. That is just nasty.
> 
> ...


Thnx SeeSaw. I agree with everything you just said.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seesaw said:


> As said you will do the same to the OW that you have done to your wife unless you take my first sentence seriously.


Or the OW may do the same to him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you D your wife at least she's getting the freedom to go find a much better husband. Shell get over you and find a good person to be with. The one to feel sorry for here is the OW, she'll be stuck with a known cheater for a SO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Brisby pm if you want, I'm going through a similar thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you D your wife at least she's getting the freedom to go find a much better husband. Shell get over you and find a good person to be with. The one to feel sorry for here is the OW, she'll be stuck with a known cheater for a SO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I would not feel sorry for the OW...she made her bed now she can lie in it. She is just as bad.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are already crushing your wife. Either stop your affair, now, or tell your wife the truth.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Brisby said:


> So, been having an affair with my neighbor for about 7 months now. I've never cheated on anyone in my life before I was married.
> 
> Been married about 3 years now. It's been generally good with ups and downs, but I've honestly been less than happy for a while. I don't know if I got married for the wrong reasons, (seemed like the "next step"), or whatever but I don't feel my wife and I are on the same page.
> 
> ...


You sir are really pathetic. You have a rough patch in your marriage and you go bang the neighbor. You made vows and you crushed your wife the first time you gave this woman the attention you should be giving your wife. You crushed her again when you put yourself inside the OW. Instead of being a man and fessing up from guilt you just laid low. You have crushed your wife every time since then. 

You need to tell you W and leave her. She deserves to be happy. I know you don't want to be with her and you are hoping that she cut ties with you. You just don't wanna have to see the damage you have done. 

If you wanna stay married (highly unlikely given what you have posted ) then fess up cut all contact with the OW and be prepared for a long time of paying the piper.

Otherwise fess up tell your wife you are a worthless peice of dung and give her the opportunity to find someone who can commit to her, love her, and be loyal to her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> but I've honestly been less than happy for a while. I don't know if I got married for the wrong reasons, (seemed like the "next step"), or whatever but I don't feel my wife and I are on the same page.


Rewritting the story, cheaters handbook page 1.


> So if anything this has really helped me open up to my wife about my unhappiness. It's caused alot of grief for us, but things that really needed said


Again, rewritting only with a huge amount of gaslighting (read Emotioal abuse) and blameshifting, cheaters handbook page 1.

You are foggie as hell, man. The affair is clouding your mind and soul. You know it. You know you are operating with a junkie mind. YOu don't want to give the drug/poison. Unless you go NC cold turkey, confess inmediatley to your wife (It will help you to sober up) and get past the withdrawal you can't think clearly. 6 mo solid months of NC and, I have no doubt your perceptions will be totally different. You will see the buinch of lies you are seliing youtself to feel justified and protect your ego. You need to grow a set, man. Do the right hing. Confess. Now. Google affair fog.


How much time do you think your wife and everbody else is going to find out the real reason for the divorce after you give the ILYBIANILWY speech? Think about the faked MC (coimunication issues my ass), the time and energy wasted...
Do you plan to move away with OW given she's a neibourgh?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Adult love, and adult relationships, are anchored by daily conscious choice. There is not some magic LaLa Land Fairy sprinkling you with feel good dust. You are choosing to betray your wife in the most pathetic, cowardly way possible. Then you come here and spout off about how great the affair has been for your ability to "open up." Disgusting behavior at best. What did your wife do to deserve being lied to on a daily basis. Do you shower after you fck the OW, or do you just go straight at your wife while still high on the skank from next door. 

Ohh let me guess, I called your affair partner a skank and now you want to defend her. Sometimes words just lack the proper gravity to get a point across. You are a spineless sack of crap. If you invested 1/10th of the energy you put into the affair toward your wife and your marriage, you wouldn't have some of the issues you talk about.

You think telling your wife will crush her? How bout when she catches you fcking the neighbor? Or someone else clues her in, or she looses her blinders and sees whats going on. If you have any shred of manhood in you, and I'm having my doubts at the moment, you call the OW, tell her you are to have No Contact with each other for the foreseeable future, then sit down across from your wife and tell her in person that you have been a scum sucking snake for the last 7 months of your life. 

If you have any decency at all, you will give the woman who you took as a wife your full and undivided attention, commitment, and effort for at least 4 months. If she chooses to even give you the time of day that is. If you give her 4 months, maintain no contact with the skank next door, and still feel this way, then get divorced, and fck whoever you want. 

Please keep it in your pants until you figure out whats going on. I'm gunna go walk my trigger off now.

-P


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Honestly on one hand I think the OP and his OW deserve each other...karma will bite each of them in the ass. If I was his wife I would enjoy watching it as it goes down....then she can laugh when the OP comes begging her to take him back. Sweet justice! 

The OP is a selfish prick!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The thing is his wife is going through all this grief and such with him as he stated in his OP and she doesn't even know the real reason behind it.Total blame shifting on her.I agree it's extremely selfish.He has concern for his wife now(?) when he didn't before.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Brisby said:


> I feel horrible for what I'm doing to my wife and horrible not being able to be with the OW. I really think I need to end my marriage, but do not want to crush my wife. She really is a great person, but I really can't see myself with here anymore.


So right there in that bit you think its better to not crush your wife by ending the marriage but to continue on a path where you basically dismantle her emotionally nice and slow over hot coals and little razor blades.

just think about that again I'll even repeat it

you think its better to not crush your wife by ending the marriage but to continue on a path where you basically dismantle her emotionally nice and slow over hot coals and little razor blades.

Is that correct?

So fill me in here but if that was a friend of yours talking about some guy who was doing the very same thing in her marriage what would you 
1/think and 
2/feel about that?

Why is is so difficult to hurt someone once but big out of respect and love for them rather than to utterly annihilate / decimate them and damage them beyond all repair nice and slowly by cheating on them.?

Why do you people think like that.?

I'd like an answer to that if you can give one


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I feel horrible for what I'm doing to my wife


Really? I get a weird vibe that, underneath it all, you are quite enjoying turning your poor little wife into a female cuckold...

I hope that isn't the case.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Hes deep in his fog. I think he came here mostly in mind for validation, but I think some of it got through. 

Seriously though, you can give the tough love truth, but you can't spit venom at a guy/woman in the fog, its only going to make them feel alienated, leave the site and who knows they may end up at doccool.com =/


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

I do think some posters are quite aggressive on here, and tend to judge you like they know everything about your life. What the op has done is very wrong, he knows that, what he needs know is advice and guidance,which the majority of forum are amazing at. It's a coping with infidelity forum, and he is trying to cope with his infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

mestalla guy said:


> I do think some posters are quite aggressive on here, and tend to judge you like they know everything about your life. What the op has done is very wrong, he knows that, what he needs know is advice and guidance,which the majority of forum are amazing at. It's a coping with infidelity forum, and he is trying to cope with his infidelity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mmm.....that's as maybe, but what shines through your main thread and this one is how you have no idea at all about the pain and suffering you impose upon somebody you supposedly love.

Most of the advice of us BSpouses has that terrible hurtful destructive fact running right through 90% of what we say and until you have been on the receiving end of your actions then you will never understand exactly what you have caused.

Our 'advice' be it that, is based in the hope that you will maybe 'get it' and if it were 'soft' advice then maybe you and he will just go sailing on metering out your thunderbolts that easily wreck peoples (and childrens) lives 

.......so I make no apology for the strength of my feeling and comment about individuals who practice infidelity


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Mmm.....that's as maybe, but what shines through your main thread and this one is how you have no idea at all about the pain and suffering you impose upon somebody you supposedly love.
> 
> Most of the advice of us BSpouses has that terrible hurtful destructive fact running right through 90% of what we say and until you have been on the receiving end of your actions then you will never understand exactly what you have caused.
> 
> ...


I don't think that entirely fair, I understand that the BS is the victim in these types of situations and that they hurt the most, the op and myself aren't looking for support of our actions, rather guidence on how to perhaps make things better and improve as people. I'm sure the op is well aware that his actions have and will cause hurt and pain for his wife. I don't see the point in telling him how horrible he is, and even going as far as calling him names, with respect, you don't know this man, I know it wasn't you personally who stooped to name calling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I don't sympathize whith the actions of a cheater at all, but I will give you credit for admitting that something is wrong. That's a start.

You need to get out the fog, remove the clouds that are causing you to cake-eat.

You try to justify your cheating by rewriting your marital history. Don't try to pretend you got married just because.... just because.
There was something about your wife that told you she is worth spending a lifetime with - you you say otherwise now; you are in denial (fog).

First off, this isn't your wife's fault. You made a conscious decission to cheat on her (oh yes, you did). She does not, for any reason in the world, deserve to live her life on a lie.

Man up, take responsibility for you actions and your life. Tell your wife you screwed up. I am sure she will help you decide initially if there is something for you two to build on. If not, it's easy for you. If she thinks there is, you owe to her to get out of the fog, remove yourself from OW 4-6 months. Then you can make an informed and well considered decission.

May you choose wisely with respect.


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

Brisby said:


> Thanks Dawn, I deserve it.
> 
> I mean it is possible to fall for someone else right?


Yes sir it is especially when u entered the marriage cause it was "the next step". I met my wife while she was married to an abusive husband and can tell u I thank god everyday I took her away. Now we didn't go all out like u and have a full blown affair but I did befriend her with the intention of it going further but waited for seperation. But yes when u find the one it will be scary the amount of love and similarities u share. 

I know u will hear that oh u will just cheat on one another etc etc. Not true we have experienced lies about her talking to other men and me watchjng porn but definetly no PA. Posters are right though u have to fix urself u sound lost as where she and I knew what we both wanted out of life and marriage. If u think clearly and deliberatley u can figure out if she could be the one, for heaven sakes I did it at 18 and now Ive married the woman of my dreams and we have three loving children, twp frkm her first marriage. Just know urself bro that's most important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Brisby said:


> So, been having an affair with my neighbor for about 7 months now. I've never cheated on anyone in my life before I was married.
> 
> Been married about 3 years now. It's been generally good with ups and downs, but I've honestly been less than happy for a while. I don't know if I got married for the wrong reasons, (seemed like the "next step"), or whatever but I don't feel my wife and I are on the same page.
> 
> ...


Of course you are going to think the whole time your relationship has been wrong and say its not what you wanted and so on. Thats what having an EA and PA does to you, makes you think that you are finding that light and happiness you may have always wanted. If you are so sure, why are you still with your wife? You have already broken her heart and are so sure about this woman...If you were, you wouldnt be at home with the women you married right now.
JMO.
That is always a good first sign when the other person hears "i am not happy ANYMORE" that should be a red flag for her. and an even bigger one for you. you had to be happy at one point thats why you married her right?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I hope you cheat on OW when you get together officially.
I hope the OW cheats on you too.

That way she'll realize what kind of man you are and you'll realize the damage you caused (still causing) to your wife.


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