# where to begin?



## u751904 (Mar 9, 2012)

I am not entirely sure how much frustration or saddness I need to move on. I might not be there yet. But I am beginning to realise that I don't have to stay where I am and I am now beginning to actually work plans for separation in my mind. At the same time I feel a bit of a spoilt child telling myself I should work harder and sort it. I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for less than a couple of years. I guess that says something, he never believed in marriage, but did eventually propose. We have a child who quite young. I am being vague-ish deliberately. I was young when I met him there is a fairly big age gap between us. He is a musician and always has been. I believe the main difficulty in our relationship is his job - so this is an odd one. I actually do love him. I am so tired of the lifestyle and the difficulties : separation for periods of time, lack of money, when he is in the same area but working the hours are back to front from mine. Communication, can be difficult tours and gigs come in often to go abroad and I am the last to know. He says that being a musician is really hard and he has to be so focused, he cannot and will not ever change his lifestyle and to some extent I don't think I can expect that it would change him too much, so I am the one left with the decision. I'd love another child but he feels it is too much of a burden and he is probably correct given the touring schedule. I've spent my whole working life trying to financially keep the two of us afloat I look at the other moms with their kids and wish to have more support in some areas. He'll say you knew I was a musician when you met me. Truth for me is that how do I know what I need twenty years later. I've had to change many times but feel he is being selfish now. I feel like I want to be his friend but want to be set free so he can do what he wants and I can find a more 'traditional' relationship if there is such a thing. I feel like there are three in the marriage me the music and my husband. The discontent has been there a long time, we brush it under the carpet feel good for a while then it emerges fresher and more desperate as the years go by. I feel like I am having some near mid life crisis, he says 'it's a bit late for change now' and probably doubts I'll do anything. Are we better apart?


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

I guess it's a matter of CHOICE. Everything we do whether it's relationships or our careers and so on. But there are possibly some truth in saying that "you did marry him for WHO he was" and although this isnt what u expected 20 yrs on, he's still who you married. 

Marriage is based on vows, being said or unsaid. For better or worse is what people dont seem to understand. However, its not only YOU and ur husband now. It's your kid involved as well. The decision you are about to make changes everything for your child. 

However, in saying that, i do get what you mean. Maybe you should tell him to make a choice too. There must be both sides who give not just one. Perhaps, tell him to find a local job, be a music teacher or something. OR get a normal working job but as well as being able to play with his band every once a week or sth if he enjoys music. But YOU, yourself need to give in to something. Maybe to one of his bad habits. 

Sit down, TALK. Make a choice.


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## u751904 (Mar 9, 2012)

Thank you... I don't see them as bad habits I am afraid. I am always willing to hear what I can do to try and improve things. I think 20 years ago I didn't have the maturity to understand what was involved in bringing up a family and having emotional stability. I can't tell him to do any of those things its for him to decide if it is right for him, and he won't see it as being so. He'd never do those things so I guess as you say choice.


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