# Need more womens perspectives



## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

I am also looking for more womens perspectives so I can better understand what is going on within my wifes head and adjust myself apropriatly. Unfortunatly I am now seperated and will be moving out soon. There is way to much to repost so please take a look at the thread i wrote in the contemplating seperation/divorce column. Ty for your time and have a nice day. TY also to those whom have already posted to help me, I very much appreciate it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I read your story and I truly believe that both of you need to get the help you need. I'm sure it felt like you were both truly soul mates because both of you were carrying very heavy hearts and felt a kinship in your past pains with a newfound hope found in the idea that you could together recover and have a great life together. It is powerful to suffer and meet someone who suffers similarly and suddenly feel as if you're not alone.

Not that joint happiness is not possible but it will be impossible unless both of you seek the help you need to heal all the past hurts and hurts built up now between one another. Until you do that you will continue to repeat the same patterns. It may be now your solution is to move to different towns with a new sense of hope that this time things will be different. It won't be until...

I don't feel that you don't understand your wife or that you need a woman's perspective. You do understand as you struggle with the same pains and misunderstood actions that she does. If anything, on one level, you have the empathy to understand her best of all as she does you.

My best suggestion would be for you to talk to her and make a plan to find a way to get the help you both need, be it through paid counseling or scheduled hourly couples counseling between yourselves. She sounds like a creative soul and another creative way to crawl through past hurts is journaling, art therapy, any type of creative writing or other form of creative self expression. Deal with every emotion, hurt and injustice done onto both of you so that you can let it go and become yourselves.

In doing this you are definitely doing what is best for your daughter as well.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Don't mean to derail the OP thread, but I don't see the point in starting a new thread either. 

Need some female advice for ways to cheer up the wife. I've been working 6 days a week since right after the holidays. My wife told me last night she feels very lonely and depressed because all she does is stay home with our toddler. I looked in to vacations for the two of us this summer (she's a teacher) and she didn't like that idea because she's not sure she can leave the baby for 5 days. Mixed signals! 

So anyway she was really depressed last night. What's a good "just because" gift to boost a woman's spirits? Also, how should I proceed with the vacation idea? I think we really need it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I feel somehow horrible commenting on another person's thread for a different person but what the hell. 

It seems to me your wife isn't sending mixed signals at all but rather that you are refusing to see them for what they are. She wants you around more, she feels lonely but at the same time feels a deep sense of obligation towards your child.

A great gift to give her is to tell her you understand how she feels, understand her need to be with your young child and plan on taking a vacation to spend just the three of you. You won't call work or mention work and you'll dedicate your time to being her man slave while letting her enjoy the warmth of having the three of you celebrate the love you have together as a family unit. 

So your vacation will consist of rubbing her feet at night, being extra helpful and attentive to what help she needs with your baby and when the baby is having a nap or goes to bed at night breaking out a bottle of bubbly you thoughtfully purchased to celebrate your love together and your new family.

This is what she wants and if you give it to her you will be rewarded with her love and affection and her feeling like she has the best husband/father in the world.

In the meantime, tell her what a great Mom she is and how much you appreciate her spending all that time with your toddler. Explain to her that you wish you could be there more to help but want to provide for the three of you as much as you can.

You may feel you need alone time away but both of you will have plenty of time for that later. Honor that she feels a deep obligation to be a great Mommy and support her. You'd be doing what so many fail to do...being willing to put your own needs on hold for the overall betterment and happiness of your family.


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

Dark soul. #1- GET HELP!!!!!!! for you, for her and FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!!! stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about providing your child with a stable environment. Your wife OBVIOUSLY cant seem to get it together and she DESPERATELY needs to for her own sake if not for you and your child. this isnt fair to your daughter. You need to buck up- FIND a job that you can work at for the most amount and full time and STAY there. i cant imagine how many schools your daughter has been to. and please, please, please. never introduce her to her uncle. i cant even imagine that horible situation. you desperatly need a mens group, a coucellor for your daughter and one for yourself. look through you doctor for ideas, any kind of help through the community. as for your wife. she seems so, so damaged. she needs help, a lot of it. she also needs to stop "dancing". she needs a normal job ( i take "dancing" as in somewhere where men pay to see her) she needs to maybe go back to school, to start rebuilding her self-worth. you need to get your priorities straight. and quick. #1 KID #2 JOB #3 YOU and if there is room her but she needs so much help, unless you can get her that, then she is just ruining all your lives. i hope this helps. if you have any more information or questions please repost. GOOD LUCK!!!!


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

LOL- ok i just went through the ENTIRE post. sigh. i think you need to come the conclusion that you and your wife seriously need some time apart. if she wants out then let her fall on her ass. sciatica??? im a medical health worker and seen WAY worse than a sciatica- she can get on medication and get pain relief and FIND A JOB. i understand how hard it is to find jobs. but you really need to go where the jobs are. and really- i dont see why you wouldnt take your daughter with you. it seems like your wife cant support or take care of her anyways. i think you need to realise that your relationship needs to be over. you will always have a part of her through your daughter and i know it will hurt but it seems like-if she is already in another relationship (ea??) then yours is over. you cant and shouldnt settle for anything less. she is either with you or swimming on her own. seems like im not very gentle today, lol. ive read a lot of posts. i think what you can reassure yourself with is that you have still a lot of future to go through. get yourself away and right first before you think about being together with her again, maybe it could happen in the future if everyone gets a little help (or perspective?). its easy to say all this because im not in your shoes right now. just keep doing the best you can, but YOU need help, you need to focus on you and your daughter. i hope some of this helps. GOOD LUCK!


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