# Help! My hubby is sexually frustrated.



## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.

The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.

Unfortunately, I did start my period the next day. I let him know this and he stated that he at least needed a blow job. I wasn’t really feeling this, especially since getting the silent treatment for the past 24 hours. I offered to jack him off, but he claimed that was not enough. I got the cold shoulder from him until today. So 5 days of silent treatment.

We went out tonight to discuss the problem. I told him I did not like feeling this stressed out and that it was just a season. I calmly explained that I need a little grace and more support, and that I am happy to return to our schedule, but I may need more flexibility until things at work get easier. His basic response is that he has needs and that if I wasn’t going to meet his needs, then he is not doing any household chores until I get back and have sex with him.

Jacking off is not an option. Blowjobs or intercourse are the only things that will work. He
said sex is the “carrot” that keeps him helping out around the house. I told him he was being very selfish and silent treatment and fussing at me were not going to get him sex. He stormed out of the smoothie restaurant and waited in the car for me.

I understand men have needs. I am happy to have sex every third day for the most part, but I am super stressed and don’t need this added pressure. And I’m sick of feeling like I owe him a blow job because my period arrives. He stated that if I got to take a vacation from sex because of my period, then he would take a vacation from helping out with the house.

I feel like he’s being ridiculous, but maybe y’all can shed some more insight. thanks!


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi @purplewish5, could you please break up your wall of text into easily discernible paragraphs?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He's still the jerk he was in your other threads.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Meh…

If my wife ever says the magic words “I’m tired.” She’s tired and that’s it.

If you’re not doing it every day then it sounds like he needs an attitude adjustment.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WTF!!!

Why do you put up with his ********??? 

Your husband needs to be dropped kicked into the next century. 

If he can’t help with chores because it’s the right thing to do, then he can go f himself. 

I hope you accustom soon with your new job. 

I can’t understand husbands like this. Even with everything that has gone on between my wife and I. I have never treated her like this. 

I was on my way back from NC Monday when a lady in front of me fell asleep behind the wheel. Luckily she was getting off at the TN welcome center so was already slowing down. She took out the exit number sign and came to a stop behind the guard rail. She was fine with just some bruising on her right inner arm from the airbag. So we get her sitting against the guard rail and she calls her husband after mumbling something, she was really dreading the call. So they are talking and she keeps repeating where she is and the condition of her car, it wasn’t drivable. Never does she tell him she is ok. Then she tells him “Gary, just tell me if your coming to get me or not!” I am thinking what the hell, then she asked if one of us would talk to him. Three of us stopped. So I talked to her husband. 😈😈

Last thing he told me was that he was on the way to get her. Still never ask how is wife was. Your wife was just in an accident and you don’t ask how she is!!!!!! Anyway I got her a bottle of water and asked if there was anything else I could do, she thanked me and gave me a hug and I went home. 

M and I talk about it a few times, I could never see her or myself treating each other like that. 

OP, what is keeping you in your marriage when your husband treats you so poorly?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Why is his share of household chores something he does to help you. HE's a grown ass man and you have a job.

Why put up with this?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

What @oldshirt said. I just went through your older threads, and it seems that this guy cheated on you, physically abused you, manipulated you emotionally, and you're still asking for some insight? OP, why are you still with this guy?

Also giving you the silent treatment is in and by itself abuse, but giving it to you for five days because you could not have sex and you didn't feel like giving him a blowjob and then refusing to do his chores, c'mon! Are you his partner or a sex worker whom he pays at the end of the day? Have some self-respect and stand up for yourself. You don't need all his abuse in your life.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm sorry, just leave. Please just be done with your toddler of a husband.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

With all that’s happened, why are you still with him?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Purplewish, do you have any idea how many men wished they had a wife that would give them as much consideration as this spoiled brat? There are a lot of wives out there who are riding their boyfriend every third and maybe giving their old man a mercy **** every third week or perhaps month.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hello @purplewish5 

Sorry for your issues. My wife and I are both retired teachers now after 25+ years. My wife was a kindergarten and 1st grade teacher and she was always wore out. I taught older kids and not so much. When we were younger we had to only have sex usually on Friday night or Saturday morning and Sunday afternoons, because she was exhausted through out the week. However, summers were a different story.

A couple of questions. What was your job before you started this new teaching job? Does your husband work? I would suggest of he can not understand this with his history that you have discussed in other threads you might need to seriously look to get out and move on and be on your own. If he is not helping in the marriage any way what would be the difference? Best of luck!


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Better, I hope?


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Personal said:


> Hi @purplewish5, could you please break up your wall of text into easily discernible paragraphs?


Better, I hope?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@purplewish5*

I edited our post to add white space between paragraphs to make it easier to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is abusive. Why would you even want to have sex with him after all that?

Like the others, I wonder why you stay with him.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wow @purplewish5, your husband sounds awful. Given that I encourage you to consider divorcing him and getting away from the jerk.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sex every three days sounds pretty mechanical to me. he is probably pissed off that you never initiate sex on other days as a pleasant surprise for him.

He is mad because this elaborate house of cards you have forced him to live in is teetering, and he is not sure he can put up with it.

So you do not work on the weekend. did you jump his bones at 7 AM on saturday, and again on Sunday? or is he begging for sex then too?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We’re hearing one side of the story.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Scheduled sex is a tool to fix an issue. Your work schedule just crashed your sex schedule. You are going to have to renegotiate the sex schedule. 

But, this is not the only problem. If it was simply a mater of scheduled it would be an easy fix. Abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, a religious disconnect, and a possible intimacy disconnect. That is a lot to juggle on top f an 11+ hour work day. 

I hate to say this but scheduling sex works for you because sex for you is a chore. You husband is reinforcing that chore feeling. 

Reading your threads has led me to a lot of self reflection.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You both sound passive aggressive people. He walks away and gives you silent treatment. You weaponize sex. Good luck with that. You both need to be in therapy.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Your H is a freaking baby. Like a petulant child.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> sex every three days sounds pretty mechanical to me. he is probably pissed off that you never initiate sex on other days as a pleasant surprise for him.
> 
> He is mad because this elaborate house of cards you have forced him to live in is teetering, and he is not sure he can put up with it.
> 
> So you do not work on the weekend. did you jump his bones at 7 AM on saturday, and again on Sunday? or is he begging for sex then too?


You’re right. It is pretty mechanical. I try to have Fun with it. On the third day, I wake up and whisper to him “Third day!” I might smack his booty or give him an extra long goodbye hug. We implemented the schedule after many arguments about frequency. He would love to do it every day. I only need once a week, preferably on the weekend if I’m being honest.
And no, I don’t typically initiate sex any other time. Every three days is enough for me. Sometimes, we would have more sex. Maybe we had a great day, a date, or just more time than usual. Especially over the summer. 
You’re right. He’s very regimented (his words) and when I went off schedule, it really upset him.
I don’t typically initiate extra sex on weekends, but am always ready for weekend sex! I will try initiating it this weekend.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> You both sound passive aggressive people. He walks away and gives you silent treatment. You weaponize sex. Good luck with that. You both need to be in therapy.


Why do you think I am weaponizing sex? Obviously, we need to rework the sex schedule based on me working way more, but previously, it was a mutually agreed on schedule. We sort of compromised on every third day. He prefers daily, I am satisfied with weekly. Usually on third day, I am pretty excited about it. Sometimes I send him a text reminding him it’s third day.  I absolutely hated telling him I was too bone crushing exhausted Tuesday and needed to reschedule. First year teaching is soul sucking work but that’s another conversation. 
Is this weaponizing sex? I may need to do some soul searching.

Another round of marriage counseling is in the works.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I read an example of you not giving him a BJ because he was giving you the silent treatment. Once you get into a tit for tat, it becomes a crap show and bleeds into every aspect of the marriage. I think counseling is a good idea.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Ugh, not sure what I did here. Trying to reply to a post


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

purplewish5 said:


> I don’t typically initiate extra sex on weekends, but am always ready for weekend sex! I will try initiating it this weekend.


the reason i suggest that is, on the weekend in the morning, you are not going to be tired from your job


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So the schedule we have is I want sex every day (husband here). My wife knows this and then does her best.

I know scheduling seems to work for some people but I don’t think it would work for us because of situations like you’re describing. 

Your husband also seems quite juvenile in how he’s handling things.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> I read an example of you not giving him a BJ because he was giving you the silent treatment. Once you get into a tit for tat, it becomes a crap show and bleeds into every aspect of the marriage. I think counseling is a good idea.


Thank you for your response. I agree with the tit for tat crap show. So, What do you think would be a healthy response? Hubby walks in To talk about the previous nights’ rejection. He’s very upset and thinks that I should make up for it by offering two nights in a row or two rounds on the weekend since I rescheduled last minute. I am frustrated, and tell him I’m just gonna need a little grace in this season. 
He’s hoping the conversation will lead to sex. I tell him I’m on my period. (I honestly thought he knew. He tracks my period better than me lol) He’s very upset now and requests a blow job. I’m not in the mood for that, esp after the conflict and offer to jack him off. He takes a hard pass on that, and gives me silent treatment for the next five days.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> So the schedule we have is I want sex every day (husband here). My wife knows this and then does her best.
> 
> I know scheduling seems to work for some people but I don’t think it would work for us because of situations like you’re describing.
> 
> Your husband also seems quite juvenile in how he’s handling things.


Whew. Is your wife able to keep up with daily sex? Do y’all have many conflicts about sex? How do y’all manage it?


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> Scheduled sex is a tool to fix an issue. Your work schedule just crashed your sex schedule. You are going to have to renegotiate the sex schedule.
> 
> But, this is not the only problem. If it was simply a mater of scheduled it would be an easy fix. Abuse, infidelity, substance abuse, a religious disconnect, and a possible intimacy disconnect. That is a lot to juggle on top f an 11+ hour work day.
> 
> ...


I think You’re absolutely right. Like, hit the nail on the head right. Can I Ask about your own self reflection?


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> the reason i suggest that is, on the weekend in the morning, you are not going to be tired from your job


Good thinking!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

purplewish5 said:


> Ugh, not sure what I did here. Trying to reply to a post


I fixed it


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

one generic comment....there do seem to be TWO type of people in the world:

the first find sex very relaxing and invigorating, and especially when they are tired or stressed out WANT to get laid, as they know they will feel great afterward.

the 2nd type find sex to be stressful in itself, and possibly find it a tiring experience. Or maybe can not concentrate on the sex enough to enjoy it because they have other things on the brain. They clearly have a tougher time scheduling when the sex happens.

we can not really choose what type of person we are, it just kind of happens and we learn to cope with the details.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> Whew. Is your wife able to keep up with daily sex? Do y’all have many conflicts about sex? How do y’all manage it?


Nope, not at all in terms of being able to keep up with it. Now across a month we average just over 5x a week, but that includes some stretches of 2-3d with nothing and some days with more than once.

Conflicts, we used to but not anymore. I mostly avoid doing behaviors that made both of us angry. Initiating when she is tired is a big one, she’s mad because she wants to sleep, I’m angry if she rejects me. So if she says she’s tired I respect that and tell her to go to bed.

Basically I take everything she says and does at face value. So if she says she has a headache, needs to work, etc… I no longer look at it as an excuse but just a fact.

For her part, she knows it’s damaging to our marriage to not be having regular sex and then she acts accordingly as much as possible for her, and that happens to be enough for me.

I did quite a lot of things to get to this point but things I didn’t do are pout when she doesn’t show up, refuse to do the chores I should be doing anyway because the house needs them done, etc…


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

purplewish5 said:


> Thank you for your response. I agree with the tit for tat crap show. So, What do you think would be a healthy response? Hubby walks in To talk about the previous nights’ rejection. He’s very upset and thinks that I should make up for it by offering two nights in a row or two rounds on the weekend since I rescheduled last minute. I am frustrated, and tell him I’m just gonna need a little grace in this season.
> He’s hoping the conversation will lead to sex. I tell him I’m on my period. (I honestly thought he knew. He tracks my period better than me lol) He’s very upset now and requests a blow job. I’m not in the mood for that, esp after the conflict and offer to jack him off. He takes a hard pass on that, and gives me silent treatment for the next five days.


The problem with asking for grace I suspect, is that you’re basically saying my job trumps sex with you. If this was a one time thing, then sure, suck it up dude, it’s temporary, but it doesn’t sound like it is. It’s difficult and I do have sympathy for you. But basically, you are changing the terms of the arrangement with out his consent. That’s maybe why he’s pissy. However, you know better than anyone. This is just a theory


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jamieboy said:


> The problem with asking for grace I suspect, is that you’re basically saying my job trumps sex with you. If this was a one time thing, then sure, suck it up dude, it’s temporary, but it doesn’t sound like it is. It’s difficult and I do have sympathy for you. But basically, you are changing the terms of the arrangement with out his consent. That’s maybe why he’s pissy. However, you know better than anyone. This is just a theory


Getting angry with your spouse doesn't get you anywhere. It's a total turn off and you damage the relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe he's the one who is weaponizing sex. If she doesn't put out, he'll pout for 5 days and refuse to be an adult until she does. Extremely unattractive. Even if she did, she likely would be pilloried for having 'duty' sex. She can't win unless she agrees to be his sex slave. She's a human being and has rights, too.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Maybe he's the one who is weaponizing sex. If she doesn't put out, he'll pout for 5 days and refuse to be an adult until she does. Extremely unattractive. Even if she did, she likely would be pilloried for having 'duty' sex. She can't win unless she agrees to be his sex slave. She's a human being and has rights, too.


Agreed. Begging for sex is not attractive. But if you have to beg for sex, you’re probably not compatible anyway. I’m sure this wasn’t the case for OP’s husband 19 years ago. It’s just another story of two people getting lazy about meeting each other’s needs and ends up in an unhappy relationship, cheating and/or divorce. We see it here all the time. The smart ones recognize it and fix it. The stupid ones complain about it, make the other spouse seem unreasonable and die a slow death.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Getting angry with your spouse doesn't get you anywhere. It's a total turn off and you damage the relationship.


Agree with that, communication is king, and if I’m right, he should stop being a petulant child and communicate the source of his discontent calmly and clearly.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> Agreed. Begging for sex is not attractive. But if you have to beg for sex, you’re probably not compatible anyway. I’m sure this wasn’t the case for OP’s husband 19 years ago. It’s just another story of two people getting lazy about meeting each other’s needs and ends up in an unhappy relationship, cheating and/or divorce. We see it here all the time. The smart ones recognize it and fix it. The stupid ones complain about it, make the other spouse seem unreasonable and die a slow death.


Go back and read her 2 previous threads. She is trying WAY more than he deserves.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I am the HD spouse. Still if my wife acted in the manner that your husband chose to I wouldn't go near them. Why you are with this infant still baffles me.

If you still wish to stay, there needs to be adjustments. But to say you must have sex on a certain day without exception or else a tantrum is thrown is just a lot to live up to all for such a little man who obviously doesn't care that you are putting in more of an effort than he deserves.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think people should read the other posts by this OP. This husband is abusive, and sexually abusive, no question. 

OP seems hugely co dependent (using the psychological definition of enabling and
sucking up poor treatment from her partner and not erecting boundaries to prevent herself from being mistreated).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This guy has sex with strippers and then insists his wife give him blow jobs. He has no right to demand anything sexually. He's lucky his penis hasn't fallen off and she's lucky she hasn't gotten a life-threatening std. FTG.

OP, there are good men out there; unfortunately, you don't have one. Cut him loose. The Church will make sure you and the kids don't go without.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

It is so immature and wrong to threaten not to do chores. It's his household, too, so he is responsible for half the household chores or more if he doesn't work. 

I'm not familiar with your situation from the other threads as I haven't read them. But to even consider not doing chores a threat is ridiculous. 

If he stops doing chores I suggest you stop as well.

I would let him go. You two don't sound like a good fit


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I didn’t read any other threads but the whole dynamic of you’re not getting a blow job then I’m not doing the dishes, then silent treatment is exhausting. I’m just commenting on what OP wrote in this thread.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

The only one weaponizing sex is your husband. He uses it as a punishment too. Your last thread describes a similar situation where he wanted you to give him a blow job for him to grant you "forgiveness" (that was not needed anyways). This is the definition of abusive. 



purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have been on the ropes for a while. For my birthday, he took me out of town. Pulled out all the stops. Fancy hotel, couples massage... we had a great time. As we were walking into the hotel at the end of the day, I saw a man approach kenn and start talking to him. Kenn looked at me and said “let’s go cheryl”
> Now I am an empath. I hate for anyone to be rude to people. It’s a blessing and a curse. I felt like kenn was rude to the man, so for about 3 seconds I asked the man how he was. Kenn looked at me again, reiterated, let’s GO and we left.
> kenn was HOOOT mad and said the man was drunk and why didn’t I leave right away. I asked him to wait and chat about it in our room and he was angry that I was putting him off. “So you’ll talk to a drunk man, but not me?”
> We went up to the room and he explained for a good while about how angry he was and how disloyal I was. I apologized over and over but it was not enough. I tried to initiate sex but he was still furious.
> ...


When you tack on facts from your first thread: 1) Ongoing physical abuse that didn't stop until he faced criminal domestic violence charges, and 2) cheating with strippers for years that he _blamed you for_, I have to think the problem is YOU. 

Others will only treat you as good as you demand to be treated. You allow him to treat you like dog ****. Why?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you with someone who treats you the way he does?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


Uh, he has as much responsibility to help out with the house as you do, so don't know why you're accepting that "deal." 

He is a selfish jerk who cares more about sex than he does about you or the family, if he's shirking household duties. He's coercive and abusive, in my opinion, treating you like that. Men may have needs, but so do women, and they don't all revolve around sex. He doesn't care about your needs at all. Neither men nor women should have sex as a duty unless they are just completely nonbothered by that. You've been more accommodating than anyone I've ever heard of going along with his demands. I'm afraid what we have here is yet another man whose Number 1 priority is sex and doesn't care as much about wife and family as his penis.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> Thank you for your response. I agree with the tit for tat crap show. So, What do you think would be a healthy response? Hubby walks in To talk about the previous nights’ rejection. He’s very upset and thinks that I should make up for it by offering two nights in a row or two rounds on the weekend since I rescheduled last minute. I am frustrated, and tell him I’m just gonna need a little grace in this season.
> He’s hoping the conversation will lead to sex. I tell him I’m on my period. (I honestly thought he knew. He tracks my period better than me lol) He’s very upset now and requests a blow job. I’m not in the mood for that, esp after the conflict and offer to jack him off. He takes a hard pass on that, and gives me silent treatment for the next five days.


Never reward anyone for bad behavior -- that's probably how you got in this mess. No blow jobs when he's being a jerk -- which probably means the end of oral as we know it because he sounds like a jerk full-time.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


I can't believe sex can be "scheduled" for every third day. what is it, a commute train?

I also can't believe a truly loving person would want to have sex with a partner who is not in the mood. If I behaved towards my wife your husband behaves towards you she would not want to have any sex with me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

purplewish5 said:


> Whew. Is your wife able to keep up with daily sex? Do y’all have many conflicts about sex? How do y’all manage it?


My wife and i have sex 4-5× week. I could not fathom every 3rd day. 1-2× during week and on Sat/Sun. To me that woukd be akin to your hubby only showing any basic affection every 3rd day. If you can understand how that would make you feel you may understand how he may feel. 

I do not understand those guys that will take a BJ or HJ in place. It is nowhere the same for me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

purplewish5 said:


> I think You’re absolutely right. Like, hit the nail on the head right. Can I Ask about your own self reflection?


Of course you can ask.
I'm sadly going to decline to share.
I've spent some time thinking about it and I don't think it will be helpful. 
Basically, It is easy for a sexually frustrated person to end up making stupid demands.

There has been some discussion on this thread about weaponizing sex. I think that is the best avenue for you to focus your thinking on.
Your husband is using sex as a weapon in these ways.
1- You broke the schedule so your punishment is Sex. 
2- He was frustrated so he told you about his outside sex encounters to create jealousy.
3- He is vague about his cheating sex so he can spring it on you as a punishment.

So sex can be a bonding loving experience for both. I don't think you can actually remember that kind of experience.
Sex can be a service to relieve stress. I think you do this a lot. As a duty, or as a chore, or even because you care how he feels.
Those are the best and better uses of sex. When sex is used as a threat, a punishment, or as a demonstration of power. It is a weapon. When that is the sex you are getting, you can not love it or even enjoy it.

Your religion puts strict boundaries on the use of power. Violation of those boundaries is cause for removal of the power. Your husband has no justification for his behavior. You need to be reminded that you believe this.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife and i have sex 4-5× week. I could not fathom every 3rd day. 1-2× during week and on Sat/Sun. To me that woukd be akin to your hubby only showing any basic affection every 3rd day. If you can understand how that would make you feel you may understand how he may feel.
> 
> I do not understand those guys that will take a BJ or HJ in place. It is nowhere the same for me.


See, to me, sex 4-5 x a week would be way too much. Every third day was a compromise for us. And I can see more clearly now why he was so upset when I put him off for a night. Thanks for your feedback.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

purplewish5 said:


> See, to me, sex 4-5 x a week would be way too much. Every third day was a compromise for us. And I can see more clearly now why he was so upset when I put him off for a night. Thanks for your feedback.


Posts you are quoting are not healthy, IMO. They give you the wrong impression. I would say the frequency of @Divinely Favored is not really the norm. *There are couples that have sex every day, twice a day, true, but it's not really what most couple have after 20 years*. Twice a week is good frequency after 20 years, so your husband is being abusive. *Now, I await the TAM's "sex maniacs" to slag me off*...  I don't care. Let's put things in perspective.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you have 5 children. You don't say their ages but it is probably safe to say they are all still at home. They require your attention. They need a mother.

Do you understand that your husband's sexual fiascos have the potential to affect your health? Have you considered that a health crisis could leave your children without a mother? It is obvious that your husband is not concerned with your health and by extension is not concerned about depriving his own children of a mother. As their mother, it is your job to protect them. Especially, since their father doesn't give a rat's patoot. 

You need to have your Bishop rain hell on his ass. Educate yourself on sexually transmitted infections and sexually transmitted diseases and take your health seriously. 

In other words, stop the blowing and the screwing until you both get tested for stds and he gets the fear of God put into him.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


This is abuse. Period. There is nothing we can say that will make this better. You have a choice to make. You either stay with him and put up with his abuse or you make an exit plan. You are worth more than being a c*m receptacle for his selfish wants. And let's make this clear, they are wants, not needs. He is a selfish, cruel man and you are worthy of someone that will treat you with respect.


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## purplewish5 (May 7, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


I’m not sure the best way to update this. But, I’ve read through all of the messages and I really appreciate the feedback. I definitely think that his behavior was out of line. I also see why he was so upset when I begged off Tuesday night. He would love to have sex on a daily, and he really looks forward to those third nights. 😂 

I noticed that some of you are reading my prior posts and while the last post about the trip is relevant, because it’s pretty similar behavior, the first one about divorce is less relevant.

He is sober now, and has been for a year. There are no more strippers or anything like that, and honestly, neither one of us would consider ourselves Mormon at this point.

we know there are some serious issues in our marriage. He seems to be more aware of him than me. I suppose I tend to sweep issues under the rug until something like this comes along, and then I feel like I need to anonymously reach out for advice. I need to know that I’m not crazy, if that makes sense?
I lost many friends from over sharing. When he left me six months or so ago, and I took him back. They were all tired of dealing with my ********, and I get it. It’s why I have turned to this forum. I really appreciate all the feedback, good, bad and the ugly.

I should say that I am only posting about the ugly moments in our relationship. Not all of them, only ones that make me feel like a crazy person. But, I am not necessarily posting the good parts of our relationship. He makes me laugh. And when he’s not being a ****, he can be pretty fun to hang out with. And those that wonder why I don’t leave, these ugly moments that I reach out about, do not encompass our entire relationship.

Again, I am incredibly grateful for the feedback and support. I read and reflect on every comment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

purplewish5 said:


> There are no more strippers or anything like that,


That you know of. It is obvious that you are going to continue to tolerate his nonsense and sweep everything under the rug. Good luck to you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

purplewish5 said:


> I’m not sure the best way to update this. But, I’ve read through all of the messages and I really appreciate the feedback. I definitely think that his behavior was out of line. I also see why he was so upset when I begged off Tuesday night. He would love to have sex on a daily, and he really looks forward to those third nights. 😂
> 
> I noticed that some of you are reading my prior posts and while the last post about the trip is relevant, because it’s pretty similar behavior, the first one about divorce is less relevant.
> 
> ...


a lot of this conversation is about your husband's sexual needs.

i was re-reading this, and started wondering how well YOUR sexual needs are being fulfilled.
are there certain sexual things that you want to have happen, maybe something you fantasize about but are afraid to ask for? things you want to try, but are too shy to ask about? can you work those into the whole sexual give and take? 

guys tend to get very turned on by finding their wives are horny, and have been fantasizing about sexual things. maybe he will be shocked, and pleasantly surprised, and be eager to comply?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Posts you are quoting are not healthy, IMO. They give you the wrong impression. I would say the frequency of @Divinely Favored is not really the norm. *There are couples that have sex every day, twice a day, true, but it's not really what most couple have after 20 years*. Twice a week is good frequency after 20 years, so your husband is being abusive. *Now, I await the TAM's "sex maniacs" to slag me off*...  I don't care. Let's put things in perspective.


It is not the norm because people choose to not love their spouse as much any more. If you are havi g sex like that at year 5 why not at year 25? Barring medical reasons it is because you do not care for your spouse as much, so what are the reasons you may be loosing interrest in your spouse. My wife and i have been married 24, together 25 yrs. Im 49 and she is 53. It aint on the hood at the lake anymore but there is no reason not to connect if you are not injured or sick.

Same way there are those (men in this instance) that stop romancing their wives and doing nice/loving things for them over time. Same type of deal. Ex. Wife withholding physical intimacy and hubby withholding emotional intimacy. Same same. It is about loving your spouse enough to keep showing them the love and affection and not acting like they are not worth it any more for you to keep trying.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

purplewish5 said:


> See, to me, sex 4-5 x a week would be way too much. Every third day was a compromise for us. And I can see more clearly now why he was so upset when I put him off for a night. Thanks for your feedback.


Why? Because you do not love him as much as you used to? Do you not enjoy sex? Had it always been so sparse. When you need more and spouse will not go there, for what ever reason, it feels like you are starving and your spouse has the key to the refridgerator and only giving you a sandwich every few days, and they do not care how hungry you are. It gets to a point all you can think about is how hungry you are so the (pestering for sex starts) 
But someone who is LD can not understand what it feels like. Until the HD spouse has enough resentment, they start getting cold and withholding emotional intimacy.



People feel hurt and irritable from that and sometines are asses and lash out and other times hold it in and build resentment, which will cause health issues and eat at you like cancer. It is sad when a HD and LD person get married as there will always be a battle and someone left wanting or feeling like tgey are giving more than tgey want.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Barring medical reasons it is because you do not care for your spouse as much, so what are the reasons you may be loosing interrest in your spouse.


Do five (5) children and a new job count as medical reasons? It may not be a matter of not caring for spouse as much as before as simply too much on the plate at the moment. A caring spouse will take new responsibilities into consideration. Life ebbs and flows and a mature person understands this. Throwing a tantrum every time a monkey wrench is thrown into your schedule is childish.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Do five (5) children and a new job count as medical reasons? It may not be a matter of not caring for spouse as much as before as simply too much on the plate at the moment. A caring spouse will take new responsibilities into consideration. Life ebbs and flows and a mature person understands this. Throwing a tantrum every time a monkey wrench is thrown into your schedule is childish.


Sometimes it is difficult and if you love your spouse you will work to make time for your spouse or one may eventually find themselves without their spouse. 

If both spouses carry an equivalent workload and one has made time for the other but the other has not, that makes it clear where that spouse ranks in that spouses book.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Without revisiting your previous threads/posts and just based on this with the acceptance that you had mutually agreed to scheduling sex, and it didn't happen due to your work pressures and feeling exhausted, I humbly offer breaking down the scenario as I see it presenting.

He gave you the silent treatment and expected you to make up for it.
This was done in a seemingly demanding way, not in a fun teasing and flirtatious way, as you balked at it.
You started menstruating and he expected a bj which you didn't feel like due to his actions.
Going out to discuss it, you expressed that you needed more support at the moment.
In turn, he expressed the opposite of support by throwing a tantrum and storming out of the venue.
There was opportunity for you both to work out something agreeable.
He claimed that he wouldn't be helping out with the house as a result of you not giving him an 'owed' bj.
I think he's being a bit more than ridiculous. He sounds like a complete turn-off. Where's the consideration to you in terms of support and feeling stressed, as well as factoring in your sexual pleasure? As well as his immaturity that he's going to stop doing things around the home which ought to be mutual responsibility. Although you suggest that you haven't shared about his good relationship qualities, there's also nothing written about shared intimacy... beyond him 'getting' a bj or sex 'from' you as I interpret it. Ugh. Sorry sweetheart but I couldn't think of anything more UNSEXY.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

purplewish5 said:


> I’m not sure the best way to update this. But, I’ve read through all of the messages and I really appreciate the feedback. I definitely think that his behavior was out of line. I also see why he was so upset when I begged off Tuesday night. He would love to have sex on a daily, and he really looks forward to those third nights.
> 
> I noticed that some of you are reading my prior posts and while the last post about the trip is relevant, because it’s pretty similar behavior, the first one about divorce is less relevant.
> 
> ...


It doesn't matter how great he is in other areas. This behavior is straight up abuse. Your making excuses and justifying it are typical of an abused woman. None of what he says and does regarding this is even close to acceptable behavior. I pray that you see the light and are able to get your children out of there before they learn it's okay to accept being treated like this or that it's okay to treat others the same way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Since posting, I only made it through part of page 1 of your thread from 3 months ago where you wrote this…


purplewish5 said:


> it’s a pattern we are trying to work through. He has apologized for letting his anger out on me, but wants sex from me to make up for my mistake.


To me this is way beyond UNSEXY. And in the realm of WTF. And with my tail all bristled on your behalf. You mentioned going back for couples therapy but what about individual for you - as it seems you may need professional support in navigating what is healthy and acceptable treatment.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> Since posting, I only made it through part of page 1 of your thread from 3 months ago where you wrote this…
> 
> 
> To me this is way beyond UNSEXY. And in the realm of WTF. And with my tail all bristled on your behalf. You mentioned going back for couples therapy but what about individual for you - as it seems you may need professional support in navigating what is healthy and acceptable treatment.


I agree with this as well, and speaking to a counselor will be a safe place for you to "overshare" and not be judged for it. 
Also, you will get immediate, objective feedback from the counselor and be challenged with how you are interpreting the negative (and positive) interactions you are having with your husband, and that will help you decide which issues should be swept away and which ones need deeper consideration.


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## mrcool46 (Sep 22, 2021)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


Get him high and start slapping him around. That will definitely arouse him


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## Alannah (Sep 28, 2021)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


My husband used to give me the silent treatment. Now we sleep in separate bedrooms and never have sex 🤷‍♀️


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

purplewish5 said:


> My husband and I have always had a pretty rocky marriage, but we have been married 20 years. After lots of talks about sex and the frequency, I implemented a schedule where we basically have sex every third day. Everything was going just fine for about 8 months until I took a new job as a teacher. My job is extremely hard on me. Along with a 30 minute commute in the morning, are usually work 10 hours, Drive about 45 minutes back home through terrible traffic, and continue working at home on paperwork. This Tuesday was supposed to be our third day, I told him I just could not do it. It was 930 and I was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. He was very upset, and I understand that. I told him I would reschedule for the next day. He gave me the silent treatment the next day.
> 
> The next night, he let me know that if I go off schedule, he expected me to “make up for it” with an offer to go twice the following night, or maybe twice that weekend. I balked at this and told him I needed grace right now.
> 
> ...


In my opinion, if a husband wants a tired wife to have sex with him, he should be willing to reduce her burdens where he can in order to increase her energy. Men tend to have more energy overall than woman and have a higher tolerance for being able to put in long hours. I know if my wife was working long hours, and I still wanted her to cuddle and have sex with me, I would be happy to do what I can in, like housework or cooking meals or laundry, if it helps reduce her stress levels. I don't mind doing an hour worth of work at home, after my work day, if it means she might have the energy to cuddle and have sex with me more often. 

It's a reasonable tradeoff, imo.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Divinely Favored said:


> Why? Because you do not love him as much as you used to? Do you not enjoy sex? Had it always been so sparse. When you need more and spouse will not go there, for what ever reason, it feels like you are starving and your spouse has the key to the refridgerator and only giving you a sandwich every few days, and they do not care how hungry you are. It gets to a point all you can think about is how hungry you are so the (pestering for sex starts)
> But someone who is LD can not understand what it feels like. Until the HD spouse has enough resentment, they start getting cold and withholding emotional intimacy.
> 
> 
> ...


the sad fact is that because she is denying him sex, he wants it even MORE!
If she just gave him sex every day, after about a week he would probably only ask for it twice a week!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> In my opinion, if a husband wants a tired wife to have sex with him, he should be willing to reduce her burdens where he can in order to increase her energy. Men tend to have more energy overall than woman and have a higher tolerance for being able to put in long hours. I know if my wife was working long hours, and I still wanted her to cuddle and have sex with me, I would be happy to do what I can in, like housework or cooking meals or laundry, if it helps reduce her stress levels. I don't mind doing an hour worth of work at home, after my work day, if it means she might have the energy to cuddle and have sex with me more often.
> 
> It's a reasonable tradeoff, imo.


that is pure b.s.

if the wife is so tired, hire a maid service to come in once a week to clean every thing. for $100, about 1/4 what hubby would pay for a hooker.
or would the wife suddenly find some other excuse why she can not put out?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

B


Talker67 said:


> the sad fact is that because she is denying him sex, he wants it even MORE!
> If she just gave him sex every day, after about a week he would probably only ask for it twice a week!


Been there in the past, got the 👕.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I have problem with the “carrot”. In a marriage, there is no carrot. Both of you are in the service department to serve each other, in the kitchen and in the bedroom.

your husband needs to grow up, and realize there is changes around the house, and then you two need to work out a “new schedule”

no sex is no go. But keeping the old schedule regardless of the new job is not going to work out either.

but when one of “service department” is no longer in the serving business, that’s when the marriage starts to go south. Ask me how I know. Haha


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Men tend to have more energy overall than woman and have a higher tolerance for being able to put in long hours.


Strikes me as a sexist thing to say. Plenty of women are Energizer Bunnies and plenty of men are lazy sloths.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> Strikes me as a sexist thing to say. Plenty of women are Energizer Bunnies and plenty of men are lazy sloths.


I can't change biology. Men are capable, in any given job, of working longer hours than women without losing performance.
During WWII, when they increased the work week to 70 hours/week, to get those planes built, injuries basically tripled amongst the women but the men didn't suffer from detrimentally from an increased work week.

The fact that some man might be a lazy sloth doesn't change the biology.

Gender Differences in Determinants and Consequences of Health and Illness (nih.gov)


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DLC said:


> In a marriage, there is no carrot.


Au contraire, my wife has had a carrot before and cucumbers as well. 😉


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Without revisiting your previous threads/posts and just based on this with the acceptance that you had mutually agreed to scheduling sex, and it didn't happen due to your work pressures and feeling exhausted, I humbly offer breaking down the scenario as I see it presenting.
> 
> He gave you the silent treatment and expected you to make up for it.
> This was done in a seemingly demanding way, not in a fun teasing and flirtatious way, as you balked at it.
> ...


I don't like it when a spouse manipulates another spouse.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> Au contraire, my wife has had a carrot before and cucumbers as well. 😉


You win. 😂


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

jonty30 said:


> I can't change biology. Men are capable, in any given job, of working longer hours than women without losing performance.
> During WWII, when they increased the work week to 70 hours/week, to get those planes built, injuries basically tripled amongst the women but the men didn't suffer from detrimentally from an increased work week.
> 
> The fact that some man might be a lazy sloth doesn't change the biology.
> ...


Women generally also have to do household chores such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, child rearing, etc. plus mentally managing the household overall. Men often only focus on work. This is still the case today but was certainly the case during WWII. So I think your argument is flawed and not true.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> that is pure b.s.
> 
> if the wife is so tired, hire a maid service to come in once a week to clean every thing. for $100, about 1/4 what hubby would pay for a hooker.
> or would the wife suddenly find some other excuse why she can not put out?


Many women from threads here simply move to a different excuse. Hence, trying to earn sex never works.
Hiring a housekeeper because you want a more regularly cleaned house is good for you when done because you want to have it done is the way to go. 
Whether or not the W appreciates it is secondary.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TheHappyGuy said:


> Women generally also have to do household chores such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, child rearing, etc. plus mentally managing the household overall. Men often only focus on work. This is still the case today but was certainly the case during WWII. So I think your argument is flawed and not true.


As I said, the totality of the work, housework, childcare, and job, should be approximately equal. If he's working 40 hours/week at work and she's working a job for 20 hours/week and doing 36 housework, then the man can do an additional 8 hours of housework - which includes traditional male chores. 
My solution is not flawed.


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