# My husband doesn't seem to understand how much he has emotionally hurt me



## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

Before I get started, I want to apologize beforehand. This will probably be long and all over the place. I will try my best to word it the best I can.

My husband & I have been married 19 yrs. He truly is a good man whose desire is to help people. Part of the problem is is that I never seem to be high on that list though. He's a highly motivated individual & I've always supported him in whatever he chose to pursue. Law enforcement was his career (now retired) but we also had businesses on the side, i.e., construction & rentals. After we had children, I became a stay-at-home mom, which I've loved. 

Anyway, through the years, he & his family have been extremely emotionally hurtful to me. I was raised by a family who always accepted me for who I am & I've always known that they'd be there for me no matter what. I've never had to pretend to be anything other than myself. I've been able to talk to my mom about anything & I'm so grateful for that. When I got with him, I learned real quick to never show any weakness nor failures. I couldn't show emotions around them or try & talk about any problems. I'm the type of person who will not judge or talk badly about people behind their backs. If I have an issue with someone, I'd rather go to that person, discuss it, & move on. I don't hold grudges. Now, I'm not saying that I'm perfect & I do make mistakes. I'm human & I have no problem if someone comes to me & says that I've hurt them somehow. I like being given a chance to explain myself or apologize. I've done everything that I can for them, even when they wouldn't do for each other. For years, I was the go-to in that family. If anything needed done, I was the one that was asked & I gladly did it because they had become my family too. Through all of this, all I ever got was disrespect. They talk about me, shun me, tell me that I'm not a 'good Christian', ridicule my family (who, by the way, has also been there for them through everything). What finally done me in is when my MIL stood & screamed in my face, telling me everything that was 'wrong' with me & my husband let her do it. Then they were upset with me because my feelings were hurt & I began distancing myself. Believe it or not, there's a lot more to it but thats not the whole reason that I'm writing.

The main reason is that my husband makes me feel like I can go or stay. It doesn't really matter. It's always about what he's able to deal with at the moment, regardless of what I'm going through. His apologies normally consist of 'I'm sorry. Now get over it'. If I try to talk about how he makes me feel, he throws out these snide remarks, hurts my feelings & usually I get emotional. Then he's mad because I'm crying or trying to explain how he's hurting me. He disregards any of my thoughts, feelings or opinions. He has this condescending tone that he takes with me. I always have to be aware of his emotional state & be there for him but I'm completely on my own, no matter what I'm dealing with. There is no emotional connection on his part at all. In all the years we've been together, he doesn't know the true reason for any of the times I've ever been upset. I can tell him but he disregards that & comes up with his own reasoning. He twists everything I say. For example, I told him once that as much as I loved him & wanted to be with him & how much it would hurt for us not to be together, that if the only way for him to be happy was to be separate from me, then that's what he needed to do because he deserves to be happy & that I don't want to be the reason that someone is miserable. He got mad & said that was the most cruel thing that anyone has ever said to him. I was completely dumbfounded.

Part of the reason that I haven't wanted to separate yet is because I feel like he truly doesn't get it. He hasn't been given the tools necessary to have a healthy relationship and I keep hoping that day will come. I believe that marriage is forever & you do everything to try & make it work so I've tried to hang in there. Even though, it is emotionally & mentally destroying me.

Another reason I've stuck it out is our 2 children. It would devastate them. They're such good kids & are at that age where anything could set them off track. But, here lately, I've realized that he may never understand.

I'm no psychologist but from everything that I've studied, the best way I can describe him is narcissistic as well as his mother. I've never known anyone who is incapable of having empathy for others except for them & I don't know how to deal with it.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I might be able to say or do to help him understand things a little better? Or am I fighting a losing battle?


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## Joylush (Sep 28, 2013)

Leave him. Men so often don't respond to words. They do respond to actions. How he reacts will tell you what you need to know.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think to change you would have to scoop out his brain and put in a new one. He is who he is and I think part of you knows it, but the part that doesn't want to rip your family apart is holding on to the idea that he can become the person you want him to be. He simply never will be that person. He will never see things from your point of view and he'll never even try. It's not a part of his skill set. It's not even that he couldn't do it, but that it would never even occur to him that he should want to. Base your expectations on the reality of the last 19 years, not on what you're hoping for, but on what you know to be true.

Whether you go or stay, you need to start being realistic about who you married. There's a point where you have to accept him or reject him, but wishing he was someone he's not is just a waste of life.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If he's not getting it after 19 years, chances are he's not going to get it whether you stay or go.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

StarvedForAttention said:


> . Or am I fighting a losing battle?


It's a losing battle. Sorry.

My ex mother in law was this way and 30 years later still is. These type of people have a special brand of hard heartedness that comes from pride and arrogance. 

I know from experience that nothing can change them except being absolutely defeated and humbled. 

The only thing I know of that might work is if you inflict a decisive divorce upon him, let him stew in his own juices for a good while, then give him another chance with firm expectations. 

Maybe, just maybe he'll learn his lesson, but it's doubtful. It's so hard to unlearn a life long pattern in a short span. Good luck.


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

When I was younger, there was so much that I just didn't realize nor understand. As I've grown & been exposed to different personalities, I've learned a lot. They (him & his family) have always taken a superior attitude & make those around them feel inferior. For years, I fell into that & felt that obviously I was the one with all these problems. They made me feel that I wasn't raised or taught the right things & they were put in my life to teach me. Now that I'm older & somewhat wiser, I realize how wrong I was to allow this to go on. But now, I'm left to deal with the effects of what I've endured from them. I'd love to be the type person who realizes how wrong they've been with all of the horrible comments & mind games but, instead, I can never seem to get away from their hurtful words. The best I can explain is it's like I have a marquis sign in my mind & those words are constantly on display & I can't turn it off. I am constantly battling to overcome them & try to keep telling myself that they are wrong & I AM GOOD ENOUGH just the way I am & am worthy of someone's love & attention. Sadly enough, I can't say that I am winning yet. Hopefully, as time goes on, I will become stronger. I appreciate everyone's comments & I do know that what y'all are saying is true. Now I just have to figure out if I'm willing to continue on this path or finally put it to an end. Whatever the decision, I realize any change will have to come from me.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

This sounds like a losing battle. I admire that after all this time and all the pain that you're still willing to make it work with him.

I do understand that emotional abuse is so powerful that you don't know you're a victim and often times when you realize that you are, there is so much damage done already to your self-worth.

Let's just say that hypothetically your husband changed, but what about his mother, father, and everyone else in his family? You surely can't change them all.

19 years is a loooong time for this abuse to go on. Please put an end to it however you can.


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

I firmly believe that no one could survive his family & if, by some miracle, he did change, we'd definitely have to move away from them. Like now, every time I feel that we are making headway, they always chime in & then we are back to square one. 

I don't want to bore anyone but the tricks that she pulls is unreal. For instance, her home flooded so we (actually he) decided to allow her to put a double wide on our property. She didn't have to pay anything on the property or to get her home set up. We took care of everything. Well, after that, it was like I was a guest AT MY OWN HOME! Any decisions that were made, she had him thinking that he had to run everything by her! I had to watch everything from facial expressions to how late my lights were on. Anytime we would be out in the yard, she would come outside & watch me the whole time, as if to protect him from me. If he walked over to her house, I wasn't allowed to call over there. If I ever needed him for anything, she accused me of trying to take her son away. I never asked him to do anything for me above her. He has always been at her disposal, even though he had a wife and 2 kids at home.

There was once a situation where he & I were scheduled for a business meeting about 6 hours away from home so we decided that we would just stay there the night before. Well, his brother had a drs. appt. scheduled for the same day. So my husband suggested that, just for this once, that she & his sister take him & explained that he wanted to be there for me at this meeting. You'd have thought that he committed murder. She talked to him awful & said that he's supposed to put his family first! I was shocked. She doesn't see that the kids & I are supposed to be his first responsibility. Also, keep in mind, that this was the first time in our whole marriage that he'd ever done that. He would normally never tell her no.

Not to pat myself on the back but for years I sacrificed everything for him & his familly - my time, my family, money, dreams, what I believed in - everything. If there was something they didn't like, I changed it. Just like her kids, my main goal had become to make her happy. I had never lived my life like that. I had always tried to do what I felt was right, regardless of anyone else's opinion. Now, I'm trying everyday to get back that part of myself. I'm sorry for being so wordy but it has actually been helpful to me to be able to release some of this.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

StarvedForAttention said:


> I firmly believe that no one could survive his family & if, by some miracle, he did change, we'd definitely have to move away from them. Like now, every time I feel that we are making headway, they always chime in & then we are back to square one.
> 
> I don't want to bore anyone but the tricks that she pulls is unreal. For instance, her home flooded so we (actually he) decided to allow her to put a double wide on our property. She didn't have to pay anything on the property or to get her home set up. We took care of everything. Well, after that, it was like I was a guest AT MY OWN HOME! Any decisions that were made, she had him thinking that he had to run everything by her! I had to watch everything from facial expressions to how late my lights were on. Anytime we would be out in the yard, she would come outside & watch me the whole time, as if to protect him from me. If he walked over to her house, I wasn't allowed to call over there. If I ever needed him for anything, she accused me of trying to take her son away. I never asked him to do anything for me above her. He has always been at her disposal, even though he had a wife and 2 kids at home.
> 
> ...


You are disappearing in your own life ... I was in a similar situation for a very long time, and needed a lot of IC to breakout of this pattern. A happy marriage requires priorities:

#1) Your partner
#2) Your children
#3) Your parents and siblings

Let me say this clearly, the problem is not with your partner's mother ... she will not change. The problem is that you do not appear to be one of your partner's top priorities. The question is: Will you try to fix this, regardless of the outcome? How you fix this is by sharing your feelings and asserting your needs directly to your partner. Kindest Regards-


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

I'm am truly sorry for the pain and hardship you're experiencing with your husband and his family. That has got to be extremely tough.
You say he's worked in law enforcement? I've been a deputy sheriff for a little over fifteen years and can say that this type of work takes a toll on a person's emotions and family. I admit that over my career I've grown callous and jaded towards people in general due to having dealt with the dregs of society and seeing people do terrible things. This has caused me to grow emotionally distant with my wife of seventeen years and has caused her to build an emotional wall to keep from getting hurt. Over the course of the past couple of months, I've come to realize how big of a negative influence I've had on her and the kids due to my poor attitude and selfish behavior. I guess you could say I finally realized I had the power to change myself and make a huge concentrated effort in showing my wife attention, validating her, and meeting her emotional needs. This change had to come from within despite all the begging and threatening to leave from her. 
Sounds to me like your husband is acting like I did for so long: unaware of how attitude, words, and lack of kindness has made you feel. Setting boundaries and expectations would be helpful. Let him know where you stand, how you feel, and that you're not going to compete with his family. It's either you or them, but not both. He's got to make that choice. Your marriage comes first.
I wish you the best in this trial.


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> You are disappearing in your own life ... I was in a similar situation for a very long time, and needed a lot of IC to breakout of this pattern. A happy marriage requires priorities:
> 
> #1) Your partner
> #2) Your children
> ...


That is so true. I've told my husband that I am strong enough to deal with whatever his family has to dish out because their opinion & approval is no longer necessary in my life but I am definitely not strong when he joins ranks with them. If our marriage was good & I knew that I could depend on him, I could handle anything. Well, pretty much anything.... I will fight tooth & nail for him & I would just like to know that he feels the same way about me. I'd never let anyone talk horribly about him but I have heard him talk so negative about me to people, especially to his family & then they all gang up on me. It's crazy. I do think that recently he has learned the damage that that has caused & has, for the most part, stopped doing that. Like I said, I have faults just like everyone else but I am genuinely a good person who tries to do the right thing & help people as much as I can. I take care of him, our kids and the home. I go to work, do construction work right along with him and I also have a little business on the side where I build small furniture & home decor. I try to teach my kids the value of hard work & responsibility. I have tried to instill in them compassion & the importance of helping others. I'm definitely not a high maintenance person at all. I just need to know that he values me as a human being, wife & mother to his children. My reason for pointing these things out is not trying to make me out to be this wonderful person but just to say that I do try to do my part & I would just like a little respect in return. I can see him taking small steps in a positive direction but he seems to always revert back. Each time, I think that maybe this is the time that he truly gets it and then I get disappointed all over again. I don't expect him to realize all these things & stop over night but I would just like to know that he's trying. But then, on the other hand, should it be so much work to take care of the person with whom you have committed a lifelong relationship? I guess I know the answers to all my questions but I seem to want to hang on to that one sliver of hope. It's so hard being at a crossroads in life, knowing that whatever decision you make, there will be long lasting effects, not just for me but the kids.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Although my situation is not exactly the same, it is similar enough for me to feel empathy with you. You are right, the change has to start within you, and I think you posting here is a beginning. You will need to stand up for yourself to get any results (if any, there are no guarantees). It is hard after so many years together, kids, business together, mortgage - I have all these ties too. How will it end? I do not know. I am not sure if i love him anymore. Do you? Do you still love him? or you will be fine with him giving you more respect and attention to simply have more peaceful life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StarvedForAttention,

Are you in counseling?

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught your husband and his family that it's ok to mistreat you and ignore your needs/feelings. For 19 years you have allowed this. 

So now you need to learn how to stand your ground and not allow this yourself to be treated this way. When you first start to stand up to them, they will become angry and push back to regain status quo. So you will need to be strong.

The easy way to do this is to just leave and get a divorce. Then you never have to talk to or see the lot of them again. 

The harder path is to stay and try to move the mountain. If you are going to do this you need a strong support system. A good counselor/therapist is the first line of this support system.

I hope your MIL does not still live on your property.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

My husband stopped with his snide remarks when I started giving them back to him when he made them.

Maybe you shouldn't be so supportive of him. I think sometimes we that are in love do that trying to make someone happy and love us. Demand a little support back.

He sounds selfish.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

The OP's husband was a cop...that says it all right there!!! Most of these guys are a$$holes...


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

There are some good points in these last few posts. I want to address the last one first. While I do agree that there are a lot of cops with very poor attitudes who abuse their position, my husband is definitely not one of them. That's what makes all this so crazy. He was good to everyone. So many times we've been out & people that he's had to arrest or deal with has come up to him thanking him for how he treated them during those times. He doesn't judge anyone. It doesn't matter what kind of life someone is living, he will do whatever he can to help lift them up. He was just really good to people. That's what makes it harder for me, in a way. I can't understand what has been so bad about me that I can't at least get the same treatment. Him & his family just have this twisted view about me & I can't convince them otherwise. No matter how hard I try.

This is all just such a mess. I appreciate everyone's comments. I was so hesitant about posting anything on here but it really has helped me to better sort things out.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

StarvedForAttention said:


> When I was younger, there was so much that I just didn't realize nor understand......... battling to overcome them & try to keep telling myself that they are wrong & I AM GOOD ENOUGH just the way I am & am worthy of someone's love & attention.


you are more than good enough. You sound like a saint. I bet you are a bit of a knock out too! What a waste of a wonderful woman. 

Women DO have more power than they think. They can deny sex, deny companionship, have many ways of making their wants known. I think it is that that you were denied in your younger education--how to be devious and get your way. Well, that is not a bad thing, IF you have a loving and caring husband. But since you apparently married an oaf...

I think some MC would be in order here. He does not appreciate what a wonderful wife he has, does NOT know how to interact with you in a loving and adult way. MC might get him to change his evil ways.

I do not agree with those that say "divorce him" right off the bat. I think he may just be the product of young upbringing that was perverted and wrong (unlike your childhood), and needs some help relearning how to be a man.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He would have to want to change in order to learn to change. Where there is no will, there is no way.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

StarvedForAttention, your husband sounds like he is passive-aggressive. Men who are raised in home like you describe your inlaws to be are not allowed to have any emotion. They learn young to cut off their emotions and they do not connect to other people, even their wives, on an emotional level. Normally the PA man will select a woman who is kind and willing to help them, many times has little self-esteem or someone he feels he can protect (but he will never protect).

They are always distant, you can only get so close. Intimacy is purely sex, they do not really carry on conversation in a way that communicates any kind of feelings which blocks the ability to get close emotionally. They are contradictory and will give you one reason one day and a completely different one the next day on the same topic. You cannot count on these people to pull thru with something they have been asked to do, they always forget.

I have been married to one for 22 years and I could have written your very post. I finally cut ties with my inlaws, all of them.

Marriage like this is very lonley.

One thing I can tell you is that as much as you think he just needs to understand or you need to understand him, it's not going to change. Husband can identify that he is PA, has read the books, has had counseling but he still can only allow me so close. That limit to closeness allows him control, makes him feel in control to deny me of something I need. Pretty sad and sick when you hear it like this, only thing is he does not see it that way. he feels he is just uncomfortable with being close.

PAs play a victim role. They see themselves as good people and everyone has done them wrong.

I am in the same boat as you lady. I raised 5 kids....his, mine, ours. I have been a very giving and understanding wife and mother. My life has been about my family but my husband acts like he could live easily without me. I do not feel an emotional tie to this man. We are friends who exist in the same house together and share obligations but that's about it.

I have stayed for many reasons too, much to do with not wanting to tear up our family plus it has not been me who has been working on their career all these years so I would have to find a way to support myself.

You are not alone.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Very insightful, AVR. Sounds familiar.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Book MC


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> StarvedForAttention, your husband sounds like he is passive-aggressive. Men who are raised in home like you describe your inlaws to be are not allowed to have any emotion. They learn young to cut off their emotions and they do not connect to other people, even their wives, on an emotional level. Normally the PA man will select a woman who is kind and willing to help them, many times has little self-esteem or someone he feels he can protect (but he will never protect).
> 
> They are always distant, you can only get so close. Intimacy is purely sex, they do not really carry on conversation in a way that communicates any kind of feelings which blocks the ability to get close emotionally. They are contradictory and will give you one reason one day and a completely different one the next day on the same topic. You cannot count on these people to pull thru with something they have been asked to do, they always forget.
> 
> ...


AVR, that is amazing! You are spot on with your post.anytime that I've shown emotion with him or his family, I'm told that I'm weak & too sensitive. I was raised to show people how I feel & to talk about things & not hold it in. We're a very affectionate family & I love that. His family always says, 'We don't need to do that stuff because we just know'. I've always known that no matter what, my family would be there supporting me. They also made me take responsibility if I'd ever done anything I shouldn't but they loved me through it.

As far as contradicting himself, he does it all the time. I tell him what he thinks about me or anything really just depends on what mood he's in. One day, I can be the best wife ever with all these great qualities & the next day, I'm a horrible person. 

Intimately or emotionally, we are just not connected. He never knows when or why I'm upset or having a hard day. 

I feel that he totally has control in this relationship. If I'm needing him or needing to talk, we have to wait until he's ready which, by the way, never happens. I'm left waiting with time to think on everything. Then I get myself worked up & frustrated. He'll come through the house & try to give me a hug & I pull away. Then that's when the victim part comes in. He acts like I am just too difficult to deal with & all I want to do is argue. That's not true. If he would make my needs a priority instead of just putting me off all the time, I wouldn't be so upset.

It's funny that you said that about the 'friend' thing because I've told him that many times. I feel like we are just two 'friends' that live in the same house.

As far as the career, I have done the same thing. Helped him while he advanced in his career & made sure that the kids & home were took care of & now it would be a struggle to make it on my own. I can do it but I'd have to work 2 or 3 jobs, which I'm not opposed to doing but I still want to be there for my kids too. I'm the only one that tries to give them structure & discipline. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him. I'd never stay just because of money but it is a factor.

What makes all this worse, before I met him, I was engaged to someone who was tragically killed in a car wreck. He was affectionate & just crazy about me. He did all the little things that just made me feel so special. I never had to doubt how he felt about me. So I know what it's like to have that kind of relationship with someone. I feel guilty even mentioning this because I've never wanted my husband to feel like he isn't good enough or that I compare the two of them. I was just pointing out that I do know that the kind of relationship I desire is possible, if that makes sense.

If you have any suggestions on how I can deal with this and not tear my family apart but still keep my sanity, I'd appreciate it.....


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