# Hello!



## Lola Lavender

Hi I'm Lola

Decided to join as like everyone else, I'm in need of some marital advice. 

I'm 37 years old and have been married for five years. It's unfortunately not been a happy marriage and I'm not quite sure what to do. 

I hope I can find some kind of solace/advice and be able to vent in a safe space. 

Thank you


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## Diana7

Hi Lola, welcome from another resident from the UK.


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## 346745

What problems do you need help with?


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## Lola Lavender

Longtime Hubby said:


> What problems do you need help with?


How to understand my husband who has a lot of issues and is emotionally unavailable, thinks about himself only, needs to be told how to adult as he doesn't know what taking responsibility means, gaslights me and tells me I'm gaslighting him, gets angry very quickly over the smallest of things, has zero interest in sex or any kind of intimacy and claims I have the problem and not him. Refuses marriage counselling and berated the whole thing, stating it is a waste of money and time. And then precedes to act like we are ok?! I'm so confused and upset and hurt and I don't know what to do anymore. 

On top of that I find myself attracted to someone I know I shouldn't, cut off all ties after a fallout and realised I need to stay well away, my brain is telling me the right thing and reasoned myself but my heart is not in sync and this hurts even more because it's just unfair and horrible to feel like this.

I feel so helpless and I'm doing everything I can to do the right thing. But as they say the heart wants what the heart wants and it's for someone who is not even compatible in the slightest.


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## 346745

Lola Lavender said:


> How to understand my husband who has a lot of issues and is emotionally unavailable, thinks about himself only, needs to be told how to adult as he doesn't know what taking responsibility means, gaslights me and tells me I'm gaslighting him, gets angry very quickly over the smallest of things, has zero interest in sex or any kind of intimacy and claims I have the problem and not him. Refuses marriage counselling and berated the whole thing, stating it is a waste of money and time. And then precedes to act like we are ok?! I'm so confused and upset and hurt and I don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> On top of that I find myself attracted to someone I know I shouldn't, cut off all ties after a fallout and realised I need to stay well away, my brain is telling me the right thing and reasoned myself but my heart is not in sync and this hurts even more because it's just unfair and horrible to feel like this.
> 
> I feel so helpless and I'm doing everything I can to do the right thing. But as they say the heart wants what the heart wants and it's for someone who is not even compatible in the slightest.


It's unfortunate your husband won't even consider counseling. We are in it now. It helps. A lot. Good luck. Do you think sitting down and explaining this all to your husband may help? Tell him what your heart says.


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## Lola Lavender

Longtime Hubby said:


> It's unfortunate your husband won't even consider counseling. We are in it now. It helps. A lot. Good luck. Do you think sitting down and explaining this all to your husband may help? Tell him what your heart says.


Yes, I've tried so many times. He even said he has noticed I no longer love him anymore but he's not doing anything to win me back and I'm here telling him outrightly what I want and need and what we should do to bring back that love but it's like falling on deaf ears. I do love him just no longer in love with him but I want to try as much as I can, however it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall.


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## D0nnivain

You are not helpless. You can book a MC appointment. You can also consult a divorce attorney. Take action & you will feel more empowered.


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## 346745

I don’t know if I’d talk
Divorce just yet


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## Lola Lavender

I actually suggested divorce and it fixed him up for a while but then it went back to how he was before. Non-responsive just do as he's told and does what he wants. And he is constantly on his phone ALL the time, when we have our supposedly quality time, when we go out to eat, when in bed. He's not cheating on me but he just doesn't have an interest in any kind of intimacy or emotion. I know there are many men like that but surely men want some intimacy right?! I feel like I'm living with a roommate.

He's genuinely a nice person otherwise, he does some of the basic chores but only if it involves his things, like the laundry. I've been going through depression due to a miscarriage and also being a primary carer for my parents and I've made him aware and have been open to him but he gets annoyed when I can't do something he can easily do himself. An example, is my dad got arrested for DV and I was trying to sort everything out and I told him how stressed I am and how difficult it is for me to deal with everything. I explained that he will need to take responsibility of some of the things in our own home as I can't do everything whilst this is going on, he asked if I can deal with the bills and other paperwork. When I got angry he threw a right strop! I mean give me some slack at least!

It's basically a huge mess to be honest and I'm trying to manage everything on my own.


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## Lola Lavender

I've realised the above is not coherent and I apologise for that! I think all my emotions are getting the better of me as I've bottled it all up and come to a point where I feel so out of place, if that makes sense.....


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## BeyondRepair007

Lola, I read your post and it is really creepy how much you were describing me when I was younger (previous marriage). All of what you said was me, and you sound just like my wife at the time.

I was a terrible husband and didn't treat my wife right at all. I don't feel qualified to give advice unfortunately, especially since it sounds like you're ready to end it (giving the IYBNILWY speech).

If my wife had given me that speech, it would have removed any guilt I felt for how I acted. That's just me and I had my own problems, I hope your husband is more reasonable than I was. 

I truly wish the best for you and your marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver

You need to change you. I mean, what's to like about this guy? Any counselor would ask you if you don't think you deserve better.


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## Lola Lavender

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Lola, I read your post and it is really creepy how much you were describing me when I was younger (previous marriage). All of what you said was me, and you sound just like my wife at the time.
> 
> I was a terrible husband and didn't treat my wife right at all. I don't feel qualified to give advice unfortunately, especially since it sounds like you're ready to end it (giving the IYBNILWY speech).
> 
> If my wife had given me that speech, it would have removed any guilt I felt for how I acted. That's just me and I had my own problems, I hope your husband is more reasonable than I was.
> 
> I truly wish the best for you and your marriage.


Sorry for creeping you out!

In all honesty, I don't really know what to do. I want to fall in love with my husband again and make it work because it took me such a long time to find someone who came across as genuine and loyal and someone who knew how to treat someone. But the saying is true, you don't know someone until you live with them. I don't what triggered him to behave this way but I'm working on it. We're having open conversations now and hopefully there will be a break through but we'll see. 

What I hate the most is about myself and how I've been, I just felt really repulsed and my feelings for him just went and so ended up online talking to someone who said what I wanted to hear from my husband but it didn't lead to anything because even though I never told him I'm married, I made it clear I have a lot of trauma to deal with and will tell him when I'm ready to. In the end he might have found out from someone else, I'm not too sure but he just flipped. But it's my feelings for him that developed and I hate that so much. Luckily, I managed to cut him off seeing how unstable he is and the type of person he turned out to be but I can't help but still have some feelings for him. I think the feelings are slowly fading away though due to staying away from him and the chat rooms he is on. But there's a part of me saying had my husband treated me with the love and respect I deserved this wouldn't have happened right? I'm so conflicted really. And sorry ranted more than I intended!


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## Lola Lavender

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need to change you. I mean, what's to like about this guy? Any counselor would ask you if you don't think you deserve better.


There are some good qualities he has, he is loyal, intelligent, polite, the usual things but now thinking about it, I think he has a childlike mind. He's really immature at times yet outside he is very grown up - it doesn't make sense but I hope you know what I mean!


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## BeyondRepair007

Lola Lavender said:


> What I hate the most is about myself and how I've been, I just felt really repulsed and my feelings for him just went and so ended up online talking to someone who said what I wanted to hear from my husband but it didn't lead to anything because even though I never told him I'm married, I made it clear I have a lot of trauma to deal with and will tell him when I'm ready to. In the end he might have found out from someone else, I'm not too sure but he just flipped. But it's my feelings for him that developed and I hate that so much. Luckily, I managed to cut him off seeing how unstable he is and the type of person he turned out to be but I can't help but still have some feelings for him. I think the feelings are slowly fading away though due to staying away from him and the chat rooms he is on. But there's a part of me saying had my husband treated me with the love and respect I deserved this wouldn't have happened right? I'm so conflicted really. And sorry ranted more than I intended!


Lola,
In my experience, you will have ZERO luck reconciling with your husband if you have a wandering eyes & heart.

You need to decide and commit to one path or the other. Trying to reconcile with hubby while pining after someone else (or anyone else) is a no win situation. Drop all desire & contact for this other guy(s) or D hubby first and then chat all you want. There's nothing your hubby can do or has done that justifies cheating. That's all on you.

I truly hope the best for you. It's clear you're hurting and trying to fix things, or at least trying to decide if you want to. I think you should settle that question.

And, if you're looking for the perfect spouse you might have to reset your expectations. Everyone is immature from time to time, it keeps life fun. And besides... who wants to get old? The question is whether his actions cause damage to your relationship (sounds like yes) and if so, then you need to communicate about that in a direct way that lets him know how serious it is. Tell him about your "friend". Maybe he'll decide your future for you or maybe he'll fix himself the way you want.


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## Lola Lavender

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Lola,
> In my experience, you will have ZERO luck reconciling with your husband if you have a wandering eyes & heart.
> 
> You need to decide and commit to one path or the other. Trying to reconcile with hubby while pining after someone else (or anyone else) is a no win situation. Drop all desire & contact for this other guy(s) or D hubby first and then chat all you want. There's nothing your hubby can do or has done that justifies cheating. That's all on you.
> 
> I truly hope the best for you. It's clear you're hurting and trying to fix things, or at least trying to decide if you want to. I think you should settle that question.
> 
> And, if you're looking for the perfect spouse you might have to reset your expectations. Everyone is immature from time to time, it keeps life fun. And besides... who wants to get old? The question is whether his actions cause damage to your relationship (sounds like yes) and if so, then you need to communicate about that in a direct way that lets him know how serious it is. Tell him about your "friend". Maybe he'll decide your future for you or maybe he'll fix himself the way you want.


I've dropped all contact with the other person as soon as I realised what was going on.

I don't want to look for a perfect spouse but what I don't understand is he gives me zero attention, for example being on his phone ALL the time, when I've explained that him being on his phone means he doesn't value me at all or our time together and he thinks I'm being a drama queen, or when we make time for sex, then at the time he loses interest or will tell me a friend has come over so he has to go hang out with the friend or he wants to watch TV instead. When in bed, I keep my phone away so we have some us time to talk or whatever and he brings the phone to the bedroom. I tried so many things and it led me to go elsewhere I guess.... he knows about this all as well and I questioned him when he noticed that I was talking to other people albeit in a non sexual way but I was laughing and talking in a group and he told me he thought he'd give me space rather than tell me how he really feels and then told me I need help because I am depressed. Like wtf?! I know I'm getting defensive here but it's because I've not told everything that he put me through and yes I should have left him ages ago when I said I wanted a divorce but my family told me to give him another chance and see how things go. And after telling him I am done he agrees we can move out (we were living with my parents which was also a very toxic environment) and eventually we moved out last year. Then from then he suddenly has become a nice person yet no intimacy at all and is still on his phone. I've had to become this nagging person which I hate the most and then he half listens. I even went as far as showing him what lack of intimacy does to a person/marriage and he said he knows but I've not seen anything from his part. I think I've built up all this resentment towards him and his lack of attention/intimacy despite telling him so often that it's made me turn elsewhere as well and I hate that about myself because I didn't even do this deliberately, I am part of a study group and what I am working towards is male dominated so most of my mentors/tutors are male but I've ensured now that I only talk to them when I need help and only talk in a group of people rather than in DM. 

I know what the answer to all of this will be but deep down I still want to just try so if it does end then at least I can say I tried.

The other problem is that my parents are going through a divorce right now and I'm having to deal with it due to my dad being an abusive person towards my mum for the past 40 years and she has now decided to put her foot down and has reported it to the police so a criminal investigation is ongoing as well as their divorce. So it's put my own marriage on the Blackfoot even though we're trying to do things to make it work.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lola Lavender said:


> I've dropped all contact with the other person as soon as I realised what was going on.
> 
> I don't want to look for a perfect spouse but what I don't understand is he gives me zero attention, for example being on his phone ALL the time, when I've explained that him being on his phone means he doesn't value me at all or our time together and he thinks I'm being a drama queen, or when we make time for sex, then at the time he loses interest or will tell me a friend has come over so he has to go hang out with the friend or he wants to watch TV instead. When in bed, I keep my phone away so we have some us time to talk or whatever and he brings the phone to the bedroom. I tried so many things and it led me to go elsewhere I guess.... he knows about this all as well and I questioned him when he noticed that I was talking to other people albeit in a non sexual way but I was laughing and talking in a group and he told me he thought he'd give me space rather than tell me how he really feels and then told me I need help because I am depressed. Like wtf?! I know I'm getting defensive here but it's because I've not told everything that he put me through and yes I should have left him ages ago when I said I wanted a divorce but my family told me to give him another chance and see how things go. And after telling him I am done he agrees we can move out (we were living with my parents which was also a very toxic environment) and eventually we moved out last year. Then from then he suddenly has become a nice person yet no intimacy at all and is still on his phone. I've had to become this nagging person which I hate the most and then he half listens. I even went as far as showing him what lack of intimacy does to a person/marriage and he said he knows but I've not seen anything from his part. I think I've built up all this resentment towards him and his lack of attention/intimacy despite telling him so often that it's made me turn elsewhere as well and I hate that about myself because I didn't even do this deliberately, I am part of a study group and what I am working towards is male dominated so most of my mentors/tutors are male but I've ensured now that I only talk to them when I need help and only talk in a group of people rather than in DM.
> 
> I know what the answer to all of this will be but deep down I still want to just try so if it does end then at least I can say I tried.
> 
> The other problem is that my parents are going through a divorce right now and I'm having to deal with it due to my dad being an abusive person towards my mum for the past 40 years and she has now decided to put her foot down and has reported it to the police so a criminal investigation is ongoing as well as their divorce. So it's put my own marriage on the Blackfoot even though we're trying to do things to make it work.


First, bravo on setting & keeping boundaries with other male relationships.

Second, I in reading your comments it seems like your husband has already decided about your future and now you have to catch up. I'm pro-marriage & pro-reconciliation but that takes 2 people. If you've communicated well and he's not responding (only enough to pacify you) then it seems he's not really into you, or at least not into your long-term happiness.

I'm sorry to say that (reflecting on my own experience): I mentioned my previous marriage and my own bad behavior and that was the case for me then as well. I didn't love her like I should have and I even knew it at the time (never told her). I'm ashamed of my actions now, but back then it didn't matter enough to do the right thing. We divorced and she has been happily married now for many years., It was the right thing for her but only because of my severe stupidity, not because she was somehow inadequate. In fact quite the opposite.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness.


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## Lola Lavender

BeyondRepair007 said:


> First, bravo on setting & keeping boundaries with other male relationships.
> 
> Second, I in reading your comments it seems like your husband has already decided about your future and now you have to catch up. I'm pro-marriage & pro-reconciliation but that takes 2 people. If you've communicated well and he's not responding (only enough to pacify you) then it seems he's not really into you, or at least not into your long-term happiness.
> 
> I'm sorry to say that (reflecting on my own experience): I mentioned my previous marriage and my own bad behavior and that was the case for me then as well. I didn't love her like I should have and I even knew it at the time (never told her). I'm ashamed of my actions now, but back then it didn't matter enough to do the right thing. We divorced and she has been happily married now for many years., It was the right thing for her but only because of my severe stupidity, not because she was somehow inadequate. In fact quite the opposite.
> 
> Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness.


Deciding on our future is what confuses me, he's talking about building a future and everything. He acts like we have no issues at all and I'm just sat here bewildered by it all.


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## BeyondRepair007

disclaimer: opinions are based on my own experience and may not apply to you. And I've had a crap day.

I know this will sound harsh but I question your desire for marriage no matter how hubby acts or what he says.
I keep going back to your words:



Lola Lavender said:


> On top of that* I find myself attracted to someone I know I shouldn't*, cut off all ties after a fallout and realised I need to stay well away, my brain is telling me the right thing and *reasoned myself but my heart is not in sync *and this hurts even more because it's just unfair and horrible to feel like this.
> 
> I feel so helpless and I'm doing everything I can to do the right thing. But as they say the heart wants what the *heart wants and it's for someone who is not even compatible in the slightest*.





Lola Lavender said:


> In the end he might have found out from someone else, I'm not too sure but he just flipped. But it's *my feelings for him that developed* and I hate that so much. Luckily, I managed to cut him off seeing how unstable he is and the type of person he turned out to be *but I can't help but still have some feelings for him*.


Are you hooked on the excitement of the affair and want to have that with your husband?
If you want to end this confusion and move forward with your life, tell your husband about your "EA-would-have-been-PA-except-OM-found-out-you-were-married".

It's likely that hubby will vigorously help figure things out with you then.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lola, I would also suggest that you post about this in the Relationship forum. You probably would get much better & insightful help there. 
Many folks there are experts in this type of thing.

Best wishes.


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## Lola Lavender

BeyondRepair007 said:


> disclaimer: opinions are based on my own experience and may not apply to you. And I've had a crap day.
> 
> I know this will sound harsh but I question your desire for marriage no matter how hubby acts or what he says.
> I keep going back to your words:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Are you hooked on the excitement of the affair and want to have that with your husband?
> If you want to end this confusion and move forward with your life, tell your husband about your "EA-would-have-been-PA-except-OM-found-out-you-were-married".
> 
> It's likely that hubby will vigorously help figure things out with you then.


Not hooked on the excitement at all, I just happened to develop feelings suddenly and I didn't even expect it tbh. Husband knows and he didn't react at all so not sure what he is thinking tbh. 

I don't know what to title it on the relationship forum or what to say now tbh. I feel so ashamed tbh.


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## BigDaddyNY

Lola Lavender said:


> Not hooked on the excitement at all, I just happened to develop feelings suddenly and I didn't even expect it tbh. Husband knows and he didn't react at all so not sure what he is thinking tbh.
> 
> I don't know what to title it on the relationship forum or what to say now tbh. I feel so ashamed tbh.


You could just have a character flaw, but you do seem to be able to exert some level of control. That said, I think it is happening because you've lost the bond with your husband. No sex and affection takes away a strong biological bond formed from intimacy. 

I think you need to clearly tell your husband that your marriage isn't working for you as is and why. Tell him what you need from him and what you are willing to do on your end. Give him a time frame to make an effort and meet you at least somewhere in the middle. If not then divorce starts. Whatever you do, don't throw around divorce as threat or weapon. Only say it if you really mean it and are determined to follow through if things don't improve enough. 

You've only been married 5 years. You may be out of the honeymoon phase, but you should still be enjoying a vibrant and satisfying romantic relationship with your husband. If you can't get that now it isn't going to get better at year 20. You may be better off starting fresh.


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## BeyondRepair007

Lola Lavender said:


> I don't know what to title it on the relationship forum or what to say now tbh. I feel so ashamed tbh.


As far as title: "I feel so ashamed tbh" or "Help with Marriage" or "Why won't he pay attention to me" or anything like that. Don't get hung up on the title. In the post be open and transparent as possible without giving away any info that could identify you.

Start fresh with a new post because a lot of people don't really see the posts here in the New Member forum. Copy & paste from this thread if you want. Write a short backstory that describes your relationship and what you feel about hubby, describe your EA, describe the actions & reactions of hubby when you've talked, and describe what you want to happen.

That's a good start and the collective wisdom of TAM will help you. You may not like everything you hear. Just take what is useful to you and ignore the rest, but you should give fair consideration to everything you hear. Nobody knows your real life situation except you so some advice just won't fit your situation.

I truly hope the best for you and your husband.


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## DontFitup

Edited because I posted in the wrong page. 

Sorry.


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