# talk me down.



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Things are starting to get ugly. I have my stbx husbands...friends attacking me online. I am sick of people saying it takes two....

I know it takes two. He was the one who walked out. They are all sickos.....no wonder he thinks he is doing the right thing. No one is willing to tell him he is wrong.

I have to go back to see my lawyer tomorrow. If I am not served by Wed then I am filing the papers myself. He has not called or anything in 21 days. His mother sent me a box of clothes for the boys...two pair of shorts and two shirts each. One of the shirts fit....one pair of shorts ment for the 6 year old fit and the rest of the stuff was way too big.

yes...he sent 200 dollars last week and he sent this box of 'school clothes' that don't fit....but he didn't call our 6 year old on his b day. Hum...there is a man who cares.

Maybe I am just so vicious that he is afraid of what I will do if he calls. Yep that is me.....vicious. NO....I am too nice to him...I think he needs me to stand up and tell him just what I think of him.....and as far as the kids are concerned...he abandoned us.

I am so angry. I don't want him anywhere near them right now. They don't need the confusion...and his sick family who think the man can do no wrong...they haven't asked if the kids need anything either.

Oh we did get a b day card....it was one card signed by him and him mother....with a twenty dollar bill in it.

Happy birthday son...love dad.

I want to puke. I am being a mother and father and he doesn't deserve them. I dont' know if he has filed papers or not or if I am getting served or not....he must be loving this.

His buddy said that I tried to abandon my hubby in the mountains when I wanted to come home with the kids. He has all this support...and they are all crazy. But....never underestimate the way a mother who loves her kids will react.

I will fight him to the last breath over those boys. He better hope he has a good lawyer.....a darn good one. That selfish self centered....video game loving....immature.....freak.

words of advice.?....talk me down.


----------



## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

WOW

I'm not sure I want to talk you down....maybe you need to be angry? 

I'm not in a position to offer any advice but I will share with you what people on here share with me...my friends are pretty scarce at this point...do something for YOU. Solely for yourself. Be it a walk, paint, read, drive in your car and blast the music..whatever.
And do this often....spend precious moments with your kids...YOU deserve them...YOU are there for them...put your emotion into them and try to not waste any more of it on their undeserving sperm donor. (sorry!)

Have you looked at this website...it has everything...everything is free. I've been checking it out myself and my sister-in-law has had amazing success getting pretty much brand new clothes/toys for her little ones on it...just a thought to help =)

FreeCycle Media: FreeStuff and CycleStuff

If you need to vent please use my ears...er or eyes lol...feel free to pm me if you want as well....feel better =)


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> Things are starting to get ugly. I have my stbx husbands...friends attacking me online. I am sick of people saying it takes two....
> 
> I know it takes two. He was the one who walked out. They are all sickos.....no wonder he thinks he is doing the right thing. No one is willing to tell him he is wrong.
> 
> ...


I know you do not like to hear this but it can't be avoided. _The other side's story has to be heard too_ :scratchhead:. But based on what you wrote, I am 100% on your side.

Words of advice? Maybe. Talk you down? Talk you down of what? Advice: Be careful what you say or write/type to his friends online. If your H thinks he is right, if he thinks *ABANDONING HID FAMILY* is right then let him think so. 

But even if you was "vicious" he should have called the kids. When my ex left I called 2 hours later. They didn't wanna pick up until I left a msg saying "I am calling to see how is my child, you keep ignoring my calls but I am writing down every minute and second I call". They never ignored my call again. I would call my kid/s if they were living with I don't care who.

His card and $20 bill, his "Happy b-day son I love you and $200 that he sent is nice" but not NEARLY enough to help his case.

When it comes to child custody everyone loses. Good, caring parents will do all they can to make sure the kids lose the least. Kids loss to make a minimum. But they still lose. They lose a dad and they need a father. I am not saying he deserves them, maybe it will be in the best interest of the kids without him in the eyes of court, but kids will suffer.

So I advice you to, *for the sake of your kids* (unless he is a danger to them) not to be too strict in the court. IDK where you live and what rules apply there but your children will want to see him and he might change and UNDERSTAND that he needs to support them.

My wish is you get sole custody. If you do, observe your ex and observe your kids. Grant them time together as you feel they need it.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Omg...thank you so much. I will definately check it out. I have three boys...and on my pay it is hard to get the things they need. I do without to give to them...and still have to stretch every penny,.

I have been over compensating for the boys...there hasn't been one day that I haven't done something special with them...a movie in mommy's bed....fishing...swimming....game night....anything cheap or free that I can think of. I did get to take them to see "Ice age' last weekend...a treat for my 6 year old on his b day. My mother has helped me out a lot...but there are limits to what she can do. Plus I am having to fork over 750 dollars up front for my lawyer.

I wasn't going to file....I thought as long as he wasn't filing it didn't matter....but ....He has been bragging about waiting for his papers to go through so that he can see the boys. I never denied him seeing his kids. We separated in March and he at least texted to ask about them....because he didn't want to hear my voice. But this time....not a call ....nothing.

Both times he left me......it's alcohol and video games and working out ...( i suspect steroids)....he probably has someone else....but he is so cold and selfish. It has gotton so bad......so very very bad. But I have told him how much I love him....so many times. So he can't say that it's me....but of course he is saying that. I'm so hard to live with. I do it all.....housework...job....yardwork. He wouldn't even mow our yard.....

but I digress.....the kids think this is a joke....HIM, I mean. They are so very protective of me...but I have always been there for them....loved them...protected them. Still.....I carry guilt...what more could I have done? Why us? I have a self esteem problem anyway.....not good at dating....never liked it. But I am a loving person.....God...this sucks....I hate it. I hate how he is treating me and I despise how he is treating the boys...but of course "that would be my fault." in his eyes.

Boy....I have really hit the angry stage. But i dont' want to be angry...I want to be over this already.....and I hope he finds someone who will give him exactly what he so richly deserves. 

This is a man who I still love....I want to stop loving him.

Thanks for reading.....input is greatly appreciated.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Well. I do fear for my children. He doesn't watch them. When he was home...he would ignore them to play video games. I would come home for lunch at 11 am...and they would start crying how hungry they were. He hadn't fed them yet.

On July 2 we were going to leave on a trip and he spanked our 6 year old and made him sit on the toilet so that he wouldn't have to go to the bathroom when we were ready to leave. We were leaving at 5 and it was noon.

He plays violent video games with unsuitable formats....that the 6 and 8 year old shouldn't see. He drinks heavily and I think he is on steroids....He has no feeling in his eyes.

On father's day he wouldn't let us go with his family to eat....but spent 120 dollars on video games.

This is a man who I love.....who wasn't like this a few years ago...but who has progressively gotton mean ...verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to me and the kids.

He finds it amusing to put on horror masks and scare the daylights out of the kids until they cry. He likes to call them names like 'retard.' 'big head".........and in inappropriately rough with them in play.

He refuses to go to their practices in sports and refuses to get off work for doctors appointments. Our 8 year old was diagnosed with adhd last year and we were suposed to go for the parent meeting....he refused to get off. But when my 15 year old was diagnosed at age 10 with add and a learning disability he was very good....went to all the visits....

He was a better father to his step son...( my son by my first disasterous marriage) than he has ever been to his own kids. In fact....it has hurt my son...who he has been the only father to for ten years that he won't call him or take care of our family. He was 5 when we married and loved him. His own father abandoned him when he was 4....he hasn't seen him since.

My parents divorced when I was seven. I hate divorce and I hate what it does to kids...I have done everything I can to protect them but now I feel helpless. 

Sometimes no father is better than a really really bad one. By definition.....if you don't behave like a dad...then you really aren't one are you?

I'm sorry....I agree that if a man is a good daddy then he deserves time with his kids....heck....I wish for that....but It isn't happening here....the man is completely off his rocker....and yet....somehow I wish he would get help and return to his former loving.....sweet.....kind self. I love him more than his own children do...isn't that strange. But ...I have to protect them. 

It's the hardest thing I have ever done...and this is only the tip of the ice berg as to what he has done to us.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

I'm sorry I didn't know those details. He sounds as a very bad father.

You just don't get caught in a fight with anyone online or anywhere and those who attack you online or offline you write it down and write a chronological statement so you save time and money with the lawyer or in court. 

It is so true that it's sometimes better to have no father than a really bad one. 
Your kids are your #1 priority.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks....and the online thing was on my myspace page which I only have to keep up with my 15 year old. This was a comment that was not even provoked.....so....I guess I should delete this traitor from my page.....not that I check it that often....like I said I use it to keep up with my son...who has a page....I hate it.

It was something to the effect of me being unchristian because I had posted something about God.....and something about it "taking two". I admit...I was drawn into a verbal battle in which I quoted bible verses....and I should have just deleted him immediatly. That is one of my many faults...not knowing when to just let an idiot be an idiot.

They are just trying to provoke me and hurt me for him....and it worked...temporarily. But his family has abandoned us too...they didn't care that much before...but now they are positively useless.

Thanks for your support.....I am a mess right now.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> Things are starting to get ugly. I have my stbx husbands...friends attacking me online. I am sick of people saying it takes two....
> 
> I know it takes two. He was the one who walked out. They are all sickos.....no wonder he thinks he is doing the right thing. No one is willing to tell him he is wrong.
> 
> ...


well denisk. you have always been so kind to me. insightful too. but what i say might piss you off more (?)

your husband is playing defense with his emotions. it [email protected]#king hurts being in his situation. his boy, his boy's birthday. his wife. all being taken away.

guarantee you he has been thinking about what's going on. here's what's in his head:

"video games, bulls#!t...she doesn't understand what i'm going through, i want to love her, but i don't know how. i want to try, but every time i do, she gets pissed.

i sent my last (?) 200 bucks to her and she doesn't give a $#!t. i sent a bunch of clothes so she doesn't hafta spend money for school clothes, does she call and say thanks? NO!!! f#@k her! at least my buddies undestand...

your husband is following the pattern of many "win her back in xx days" ebooks. what he is doing is hard on him. real hard. because what he wants to do, he feels inadequate. he wants to love you _right_, but he doesn't know how. he's _proved_ that.

just something to think about. you seem like a hiney. sweet. i've known several "personalities" (sports/entertainment/legal bigwigs) alientate the people they love the most. in sports it's called "blowing up the locker room" (i watched terrell owens do it in philadelphia with the eagles. i witnessed it in judges chambers in the state of washington. i saw paul abdul get "blown up" by a very talented backup singer. t.o.'s teammates were never the same with him again. the team changed. the attorney i'm talking about was beloved. not any more. paula lost a friend and close confidant, it was/is sad.

not name dropping, but you could trace the downfall in each of these people's lives to that "blow up" date. look at stats for t.o., hit singles for paula. it's gone. you think it's any different for me or you.

relax. consider. sometimes the gun IS pointed in the wrong direction.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yes....guess all perspectives are important. Except for one thing. I know that I am not perfect....but when do the games end. I do everything....he plays all of the time. I stayed to take care of things...and he sent me a loud and clear message. "I am hiding out...and she hasn't called me and I haven't called her...and I am enjoying this."

And he left me with nothing....left me to pick up the pieces...and I am still so willing to love this man who has called me...'evil'. I didn't bash him...didn't call him names....told him "I love you" as he was packing his things to leave. He has spanked our son and made him sit on the toilet so that he didn't have to be bothered with him later....he told me to "Go to hell" while I was telling him that I loved him. 

I cried and begged and pleaded with this man....told him I would give him anything he wanted...space....time.....everything except a kidney...and I would have if he asked for it.

He hasn't called to check on the boys even once....and the clothes came from his mother....not him. she mailed them ....she bought them....and she bought the card. She also shared the card.....and half of the twenty dollars was hers.

He has not done one single thing to make things right. I praised that man for every thing he did ....no matter how small the effort. I built him up.....I suported him in his every whim until it became a breaking point for me. He use to be a good man....he use to be a good daddy to my son....but things changed when our two came along.....

I didn't push him away....didn't make him leave.....didn't say "I just don't love you. I tried but I can't." And I didn't leave the children who are innocent in the matter to ask where is daddy?

He is addicted to games....he wants to be free from responsibilty. He enjoys doing what he wants....and that is too bad. He has a wife and three wonderful boys who didn't deserve this. And so what if he wants to cop out with "I tried". It is so selfish. He isn't the one explaining to the kids why daddy doesn't call or why he can't pick up the phone on Eli's b day to call and check on him.

He didn't want us around on Father's day.....because he doesn't want us around. We require him to do something besides play all of the time. His mother even offered to cook on father's day so we could come....did he tell me this? NO......he lied to me. said that we didn't have the money and then spent 120 dollars on video games for himself. I cooked him dinner....didn't show. He made every effort to cut me and the kids out of his life even before he left.

Why would he do that if he cared one ounce about me or the kids? Sure .....maybe in his mind he thinks a lot of things.....I could dream myself up to be a rich princess with a charming prince who loved me back....heck.....why not.....I mean if we want to be delusional. I am certain that every serial killer in the whole world has thought they were alright in their own minds....but does that make them right?

I LOVE HIM. I didn't deserve this....I would have him back if he would just love us. It wouldn't take him jumping through hoops either. I didn't require him to do anything to make up to me what he has done to our family..... He doesn't want to love me.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO LOVE ME. Tell me that you understand that....because it HURTS SO BAD. I am trying hard to hold things together for my kids.....but I would do just about anything to have him love me again....to love the kids again. 

Confused and acting out is childish. Grow up.....life is hard...and some of us don't have the luxury of acting out...we have commitments to keep......children to take care of.....bills to pay and hearts to protect. That is why I have had so much pain...because no Man can stick around long enough to see their promises through.

Does anyone want to tell me that he loves me....and that I am jsut so unlovable that it was too hard for him.....I am the most loving person you will every meet......and I kind of deserve to be loved back......it's the worst Hell I can imagine and I have to live it with a smile on my face so that my kids won't know how bad it it killing me.

He has the luxury of thinking........I don't. I have the responsibility.

I don't want a divorce......I don't want to be separated.....I want my family to be back together....but he took all of that away from me. And all of the money he has spent on himself when I needed things and did without doesn't make me feel too sorry for a man who has whatever he wants.

I really dont' care what he is thinking right now....because it is crap. It's selfish crap. I have analized his every move....thought of ways to help him.....given him back massages to help him relax...when my hand was broken.....taken care of his every need and he wouldn't even bring me a glass of water when I had a fever of 103. Wouldn't tuck the kids in when I was so sick that I couldn't even walk because he was drinking and playing video games online.

AND I STILL LOVE HIS EVERY FLAW. GREAT ....NOW I'M CRYING AGAIN.

sorry....


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

denisek,
i can't tell you how "pattern" this is. have you ever ben to a professional therapist. not for you, but to find out about what is going on with your man...

because i'll tell you what is going on...

he IS acting out...

like a child...

because he IS one...

somewhere along the way to maturaty, something happened...

and he stopped maturing...

(i'm whispering now) whenever that event occurred is when he stopped maturing...

(pause)...what do you know about his life???

really know?

think, because i'll bet he's told you some trauma of his life...

when that happen...well

(now i'm raising my voice, but i care) THAT'S HOW OLD HE ISSSS!!!

he's acting like he would have when he was xx years old.

now listen to me, because i f#@king care...

my dad died alone in a military hospital bed, balboa hospital...one of the most god forsaken medical facility ever.

he died of leukemia...two weeks to the day after being diagnosed...

and guess what? they knew he wasn't going to make it through the night...

but guess what else? my mom took it upon herself to have us stay with my aunt while my dad [email protected]#king died without his son and daughter by his side.

in fact, we NEVER saw him for the 2 wks he was receiving "treatment" at balboa. not once.

i was twelve years old...guess what? i'm emotionally 12 today, whenever some $#!t happens, i curl up into that 12 year old and f#@king hide behind that facade. 

and today, now that i know what i know about emotional development, i cringe when i read your story. i wish my mother knew the effect this was gonna have on me (and my sister. she's had marvelous therapy, is well adjusted and a great human. happily married to a great guy who has the character of my dad. something i only wish i could be)

my relationships have all been so immature. from my girlfriends in high school, to my true first love in college. to my soulmate (believe, it's true) beth.

and i'm wishing sitting right here right now that i could tell her what i know about what i just told you, but guess what...

I'M F#@KING TWELVE YEARS OLD AND CAN'T COME CLEAN ABOUT IT TO SOMEONE WHO I LOVE DEARLY...

(whew...sorry) to someone i love dearly and WOULD give a goddam kidney to...

y'know what? make that heart, i'd give her my heart.

when my dad died(remember, leukemia), i asked my uncle "why can't the just take MY blood so daddy can live?"

emotionally 12...that's my cross to bear...just something to think about.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

If that is true...then I am emotionally 7. A seven year old girl who had to tell her daddy to leave because he was so drunk and mean that my mommy couldn't do it. That is my most vivid childhood memory. Besides all of the emotional abuse and violence I witnessed. But I am still a person who has to deal. My kids are more important than Me.

I know every detail of his life. His dad was in desert storm....he ran away from school at age 9......worried about his dad. His mother wasn't very affectionate. He busted his head open at age 4 on a playground unsupervised by his mother who was up three stories in the apartment. He almost died. She didn't even stay with him at the hospital.......I know it all. His father was an alcoholic who changed when he was ten.....poured the alcohol down the drain and hasn't touched it since.

If he is emotionally 4 or 9 or 10.....I get that. But we all have our emotional crosses to bear. Mine are deep and many. At age 16 I watched as my best friend...cousin ( might as well have been my brother we were so close) was burned to death in a fire...in my back yard. I was helpless to stop it. From age 8 to age 12 I had to listen to my parents(divorced) have sex through the walls.....and it disturbed me so bad that I ran outside in my pajamas in winter to escape the sounds..... I witnessed my dad beat my mother....was told I couldn't watch 'bugs bunny" because they were HIS cartoons.....at the age of 5.

There is abuse I went through...( I know I did) that I can't even remember.....I was unsupervised .....emotionally neglected and completely forgotton. I felt invisible.....sick.....lonely. I wanted someone to hold me....AND I STILL DO.

His life was no where near as tramatic as mine....and I know that I have a hard time with my emotions...but I dont' deserve this. I didn't deserve it then and I should have someone that I can tell this too that cares. BUT I DON'T. I am telling a stranger on this site.....and I am pouring out things that no one else cares about.

I love him......and I know that I am not perfect....but how can he do this to me....someone he promised to love and protect. He knows me .....knows my faults and my weaknesses.....and doesn't love me...but I love him.


Tell your wife what you told me. If you can tell me....you should be able to tell her.

Out of everyone on here.....your opinion makes the most difference to me. No matter what you say.....but I don't know if I can handle believing that he still loves me.....false hope is horrible.

what do you think?


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Well I guess many of us are here still emotionally kids. I remember when my dad told me "don't call me dad I have a name". [email protected] it still hurts me. I was what...6? He was such a "good" father to me that whenever my mom talked about leaving him I begged her to do so. Then I got anxiety attack at age 12 that lasted 3 years without medical intervention due to war. He told me I am not sick I am just lazy. Not to mention that he was a raging alcoholic. And now nearly 2 decades later I am still "lazy". 

Like Denise said sometime is better to be without father than have a bad one. 

Voivoid I am sorry about your dad. Your situation is the opposite. You lost a lovable father. From your posts in this thread i guess you are leaning towards fathers rights. Believe or not I am too. Many fathers, or way too many get unfair custody. But if the father is unfit he is unfit.

This guy hasn't called to talk to his kids for 3 weeks. The kids even ask about him. Come on man. We all make mistakes. many guys are addicted to video games and **** but leaving your family for 3 weeks and not even calling them is a serious thing.

Who does he have except his wife and kids? His mother will not live forever. His friend will not stick around forever, eventually they will go their own way.

And last but no list. IDK Denise and haven't heard H's story, but she says she wish he would come back and live a normal life. What else does he want?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Harris said:


> Well I guess many of us are here still emotionally kids. I remember when my dad told me "don't call me dad I have a name". [email protected] it still hurts me. I was what...6?


okay, so you may be emotionally six yrs old. i'm amazed by the fascination/disbelief that so many have shown towards this phenomenon (emotional maturity) while so many admit to being personally cursed by it.


Harris said:


> From your posts in this thread i guess you are leaning towards fathers rights. Believe or not I am too. Many fathers, or way too many get unfair custody. But if the father is unfit he is unfit.


what? my pleas towards denisek and others does not stem from a rose colored glasses view of "fathers rights." where the he77 did you get that from?


Harris said:


> This guy hasn't called to talk to his kids for 3 weeks. The kids even ask about him. Come on man. We all make mistakes. many guys are addicted to video games and **** but leaving your family for 3 weeks and not even calling them is a serious thing.


denisek is 7 yrs old emotionally, he screwed up husband is a little kid from an emotional development standpoint. why are you surprised at all by his "mistakes" or her interpretation of them?


Harris said:


> Who does he have except his wife and kids? His mother will not live forever. His friend will not stick around forever, eventually they will go their own way.


and that explanation to an emotionally underdeveloped adult sounds alot like charlie brown's teacher (how'd that go? whnna, whnna, whnna...)


Harris said:


> And last but no list. IDK Denise and haven't heard H's story, but she says she wish he would come back and live a normal life. What else does he want?


again, asking a child "what else do you want?" will get you a litany of crazy answers, but nothing realistic. maybe you're waiting to hear him say "more video games!"


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

voivod said:


> okay, so you may be emotionally six yrs old. i'm amazed by the fascination/disbelief that so many have shown towards this phenomenon (emotional maturity) while so many admit to being personally cursed by it.
> 
> what? my pleas towards denisek and others does not stem from a rose colored glasses view of "fathers rights." where the he77 did you get that from?
> 
> ...


Well actually in reality I don't believe in this emotional immaturity regarding Denise or her H. Your not leaning towards fathers rights? OK my bad. Denise is 7yo emotionally? Are you Denise? What evidence if any do you have that Denise's H is "emotionally undeveloped"?

A married man with 2 children takes care or his family. If he needs help with his addictions he should look for it. Period.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I believe his story goes something like this....SHE wants me to give up what makes me relax so that I will spend time with her...but I do spend time with her....I sleep in the same bed as her. I speak to her as I pass her in the house. Occasionally I give her a hug. She won't put up with my drinking....and if she loved me like she says then she wouldn't care if I am sloppy drunk when we have sex. 

I frighten my kids with scary masks so that they'll scream because I have a goood sence of humor. I don't talk just poke fun at her because I have a good sence of humor. It's funny to me...why not them. I call my kids names because it's funny not to hurt their emotionally fragile egos.

My family(parents and brother) need me...even though they have left me....have neglected me......and I am going to cling to them. My brother might not be around forever...or my dad or my mom or my grandparents. So I better give them all of my time. She should support that. She just wants too much from me. She loves me...I know this but I need my space....If I don't bulk up to be a "Hulk" then I might get hurt at work...and if my friends say that I have neglected them...welll....I better change that. 

Kids...they'll be fine.....they have her.

that isn't all....but I have to get ready for work. Don't stop talking to me.....please. I need this


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I know it takes two. He was the one who walked out. They are all sickos.....no wonder he thinks he is doing the right thing. No one is willing to tell him he is wrong.


I'm not going to talk you down! I'm here to offer encouragement. Everyone has given you great advice. Your stbx is definitely a "Peter Pan" (also in the narcissist family). He will do everything to destroy your self-esteem. Don't let him! Stick to your guns, Girl!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Denise,

I've come to determine it doesn't matter how many times you tell them you love them. If they can't love themselves...they can't love you. I told mine I loved him up until the day of and have told him since then. I still do love him. It's insane. Right now I'm watching his life spiral and there's nothing I can do about it as he's taken every step possible to remove me from his life or at least that's how it is to him...he makes me look like I just won't go away yet he's the one contacting me now...well that is when he needs something. Right now I'm putting a stop to that. Why? Because he's the one that decided I wasn't good enough to be married to. Or something. Hell I still don't know wtf happened. I never will I've come to determine. His life is a sick f*cking trainwreck right now. 

All I can say is hold onto that anger. I'm trying to hold onto mine. But I have learned one thing. You can love someone and it not mean a d*mn thing to them. That or they have no clue what to do with it because they really don't know how to love someone because they don't love themselves...

I'm praying for you and those precious boys. And I'm praying that your DH pulls his head out of his a$$ before those boys don't want to have anything to do w/him. You do what's best for you and those kids and yes I know it's hard esp when you're having to deal w/the one whom holds your heart walking out on you. That part is so incredibly hard. But focus on the anger if that's what you have to do to get through it.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Harris said:


> Well actually in reality I don't believe in this emotional immaturity regarding Denise or her H. Your not leaning towards fathers rights? OK my bad. Denise is 7yo emotionally? Are you Denise? What evidence if any do you have that Denise's H is "emotionally undeveloped"?


that is my point. we're so willing to accept the premise about her husband's lack of emotional development, but no one has been willing to apply the same criteria to denisek


Harris said:


> A married man with 2 children takes care or his family. If he needs help with his addictions he should look for it. Period.


100 percent agreed, but we don't hold children to the same level of accountability for their actions (or lack thereof) with regard to their own "addictions" because they're, well, minors. i believe that denisek is dealing with a man who is, emotionally underdeveloped, immature. and, in that sense, a "minor."


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

ooooohh you got me thinking about the ex being said minor....


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

IDK why everyone guesses what is going through his mind, especially Denise. It's the actions that count. 

BTW Denise, IDK how far back your story goes regarding this problem and honestly I can't look for your previous posts right now I have a flu so no energy for anything, but can't you call him if you already haven't? Can you ask him for a serious talk?

Maybe even over the phone. You have nothing to lose. Maybe he will put down his "needs" and you put yours and try to work something out.

BTW if I recall correctly you had a lawyer meeting today? How did it go?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

He won't even talk to me. I have texted him because he won't answer a call. He has completely cut me off. 

I did text him again today and thanked him for the money and clothes....trying to be nice and see what he would do. Would he respond to me?

I got a response about two hours later. "I want to see my boys...meet me at the courthouse at 10 00 saturday and let me see them for that day. we can meet later that evening back at the court house."

I replied that he could come to the house to see them.

His reply...."Don't want to talk to you...just text. It has to be at the courthouse"

I had told him that I love him and that I wanted to talk. He ignored that one.

He doesn't care....at all. He only wants the boys to hurt me.....that is how it feels at least. I expect to be served papers....he has made it clear that he has no desire to see or talk to me. The thing is...I have to work saturday. 8-12. I told him that....and I already have plans wtih the boys that afternoon. We didn't get to celebrate Elijah's b day last weekend so I am having him a small party...just family and then we planned on going bowling...something that he asked for specifically. So I don't see any sence in breaking my 6 year olds heart just to please someone who didn't call for 21 days and who only gave me three days notice that he intended to "see" them.

It is all very clinical to him.....sadly.

I have tried to be nice but each time I am nice....he bats me down. I have tried to tell him that I love him....but he doesn't care. My words fall on def ears. All he can think of is his family and his buddies...who are not the best of companions. He appologized to them all that he hasn't been around for the last few years...."apparently it was all me". He is a grown man and yet his drinking...gaming and lack of attention to friends and family are all my fault.

Didn't realize I had so much control...since for the past three years it has felt like I had NO control.

I was only meeting to relay the news on whether or not I was served papers by my hubby....which I wasn't. I went in and he wasn't in the office. I left my number and he hasn't returned my call...so I am going by again tomorrow. He advised me that if my hubby had me served then it would waste my money to serve him and that I should just give it until wed to make sure that he wasn't serving me. Dk about that. He has represented me before and said that if i wasn't served by today that we would serve him papers. 

I don't want to...nothing in me wants this...but I have to protect my kids....if I knew he wouldn't go after me and that he would just see the kids and pay me a measly 100 a week then I would never file. But I know he already has a lawyer....and he mentioned to someone that he was waiting on paperwork....before he saw the kids. 

I imagine today's text was a little test....and probably a way of setting me up to look like I wouldn't let him see them. Fact is...I wouldn't....but I dont' trust him right now. He doesn't hve to bring them back...not until proper papers go through the court...and he wouldn't dare defy the court...he would lose his precious state prison job. It means much more to him than we ever did.


I am so sick....I have lost a total of 25 pounds since all of this started. Now I am down to 135 ....which is nice...but it's still dropping ....and that isn't healthy. I force myself to eat..and to try to do healthy things...but the weight is still falling off of me....HE IS LITERALLY KILLING ME...SLOWLY.

So....I fuss a bit about him not spending time with me or the kids...I have had to push him to do stuff with them when he was here and they know that. There is so much more to all of this than simple addiction....it's someone who has no one's interest in heart except his own.

So why do I love him....and why does it matter. I feel like a failure....unlovable and yes.....very alone.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Harris said:


> Well actually in reality I don't believe in this emotional immaturity regarding Denise or her H. Denise is 7yo emotionally? Are you Denise? What evidence if any do you have that Denise's H is "emotionally undeveloped"?


doesn't really matter if _you_ don't believe in this theory of retarded emotional maturity or not. it's not a "top down" science. the reason it works (he 10, she 7) is that it helps each patient observe the event(s) that caused the personality flaw(s) that exist.

if a)his father's alcoholic rantings, if b)her father's treatment of her mother resulted in her emotional immaturity, then each can deal with their weakness from that standpoint and heal, the what do you care if the analysis is correct or not? these kids need something to grab onto.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I might be 7 emotionally....or maybe I am further down. I don't know.....Maybe he is 10 emotionally. What does that mean? And what does that have to do with the kids.....they don't deserve this..

I mean....I have lived thirthy something years with this hurt....but what does it mean? I am capable of caring for my husband and kids...but he isn't? Why?


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> He won't even talk to me. I have texted him because he won't answer a call. He has completely cut me off.
> 
> I did text him again today and thanked him for the money and clothes....trying to be nice and see what he would do. Would he respond to me?
> 
> ...




denisek,
your entire post is about these diabolical things _he is doing to you._ you are giving him so much power! that's a sign of emotional immaturity. you have it too! (it's ok, we all do.)

"HE IS LITERALLY KILLING ME...SLOWLY." huh? nooo, HE is not. 

then you ask "why do i love him so much?"

because, you do. it's your fault for loving him so much, i guess, right?

these text games, they're games. i'm gonna play one with beth tonight, just too see how much she loves me. sound sick? it is. we're all sick, to an extent.

you also said "his precious state prison job." whaaat? you don't sound like you respect his job much. just sounded sarcastic.

i'll tell you this: the drinking and gaming are troubling. but what makes you suspect he's taking steroids? because i'm sure his precious state prison job subjects him to random drug tests.

i've known several guards who take steroids to keep there edge in the day to day battle with the scumbags behind bars, so maybe your suspicion is founded. have a talk with the county ombudsman (if you have one). i'm sure they'd be interested in his (assumed/alleged) steroid use.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I assume this because he has bulked up very quickly lately. He also has shown much more agression...abnormal for him. And yes they do random tests there...but they also cover for their "Prize" guards...he is on a special team....working out with a guy who has a history of steroid abuse...adn he mentioned thinking about trying a "cycle". That was the turning point. I never would have thougth he would do it till then.

And it was sarcasm. I have supported him through ten job changes since we married...ten years ago....he has been at the prison for three years. At first I was so proud because he loved it so much...and because he finally found something he loved to do. but it soon proved to be very "addictive " to him. It is all he talks about...he would give up his kids for that place. He basically lives to go to work...won't take anytime off excetp for when he gets the new Madden football game and takes a week to play it.

I have always suported him....he tried out for a football team...I did everything to help him.....

And I don't play games....I am very straight forward...don't beat around the bush. If I am upset then I say why...

I don't want to make him lose his job....I don't want to hurt him...even if it sounds that way. I am just so upset. My first hubby almost killed me because of steroid abuse...he took some really strong steroids....beat me senseless and then went to get a gun .....I found out about the guy. He went completely off his rocker. I ws holding our 3 month old son(my 15 year old) when it happened. He was going to kill me....for what....for saying that I couldn't go with him when he was drinking.

I know about steroids...first hand...and he knows what I have been through...so it really stings that he would do this to me. He said he would never hit me...but he has come close....and has stopped me from leaving the room by grabbing my arms and holding me.

I understand fear....the job is dangerous...but he is plenty strong without steroid use....he is very muscular anyway.....but he has changed...grown rapidly and is obsessed with his body and his strenght....working out constantly. Can't miss a workout for anything.

Mind games are dangerous.....being honest if very important....and it isn't a text game with him....he is ignoring that I exist....ignoring that we had anything. He truely doesn't want to even speak to or see me.

He is mad at me for changing jobs.....too. So punishment here i come......he tells others that I had a great job and that I threw it away...but I did the job for 15 years and it got to be too much work for not enough money....and I needed a job where my family could come first. I have that now. And I am proud of it....but he despises it.

Don't mistake....there was a good man there.....and he is burried beneath all this crap....but he won't reach out to me....and I feel helpless. I never said anything wasn't my fault....but I can't do it alone.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

My husband is a state prison worker as well...only he's trying really hard to lose his job...or at least so it seems. I'm almost scared to ask what state you live in as I'm scared we might be in the same state and our ex's (or your DH mine is an ex now his choice) might work at the same place.

I don't blame anyone fully for my ex's actions. Nor do I think he's not responsible himself. But I think alot of people played into his decision and I don't know about your DH's place of employment but there are a LOT of scandelous people where my ex works....ALOT. I find it funny that we were a happy family when he started there then enters said people and bam! again I know they aren't soley responsible...but you are whom you socialize with and I think said scandelous hoes that work there helped the man stray rather quick...it amazes me frist of all any woman would want to work at a men's prison...second of all and my ex has agreed on several occassions that the women there all have lower standards than normal...they have no problem hitting on people married or not...they love the attention from the inmates etc...I'm like really is their self esteem that low that they must take a job at a men's prison in order to feel better about themselves??? Does attention from a cho mo or a murderer or something really do it for you? But anyway off topic..


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Wow...Rhea....this is so weird. Yep...my hubby use to say that he didn't understand why women would be allowed to work there. I'm gonna jump out there tho....and tell you I live in Ga. Even if we were from the same area...it wouldn't matter to me...it would just mean support close to home...ha ha.

Yep...the attitude changed dramatically when he went to work there.....he became more of a prison guard at home. He took on a whole new personality. I have heard endless women who have hubbys there say the same thing. My sisters hubby works there and one of the ex officers gave him some strong warnings about he place...It's evil. The officers are almost as bad as the inmates....and the crazy thing is.....it's encouraged. They aren't encouraged to stay married. 

Don't want to blame anything crazy with out problems...but his preacher even told me that the job might not be for him. If he could't handle it. And the power seems to have gone straight to his head. He would die before losing that job.

I am getting ready for work...but am anxious to hear back from you.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Having a bad bad day. You wouldn't believe it......why is this happening to me. I had to file for divorce. Stbx told my bro in law that his lawyer told him to wait 45 days to file....suspicious to me. Since I suspect he uses steroids. Hum...is he wanting to avoid something? He also said that I wouldn't be able to find out where he lives.....funny, right? NOT

Then....something happened with my boss at work...and I am having to deal with a BIG problem.....sexual harassment. I so don't want to get anyone fired but this was not avoidable.

Today....I was suposed to get paid...I have direct deposit. That is all the company offers...not a paycheck. So I checked my account at he ATM....nope....the money isn't in there. I checked at work and records show I got paid. So...where is the money? My stbx is not on my account...but he does know my social....so I don't know if he could have done something....I seriously doubt that he did...but.....something is wrong...and the timing is horrid.

Then...I went to get something for dinner....(we had just enough money for dinner tonight.) Couldn't buy groceries...but got some pizzas out of the deli and some milk. My wicked sister in law...Hubby's brother's wife was in the store buying her groceries. She and his brother and their kids and some teenage girl who hangs with them all of the time. This woman has made me insane. She has gone so far as wanting to be there when he moved his stuff out of our house.....called me immature and other mean things. She also has attacked me personally on my e mail.

We left immediately. This is a small town and I can not avoid conflict all of the time. But I'm not the "conflict" kind of person. I hate drama...hate conflict and arguing and ugly looks and childish stuff like that. So that was my day.

I have to write up some stuff for my manager about the incident at work.....and my stbx was suposed to be served the divorce papers today....at work...because he won't let me know where he lives. He works at a prison...so that is going to pee him off to no end.

I dont' drink but I could get completely wasted right now...oh except I am flat broke.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sounds like this is the peak of the storm...$$$ vanishing; running in to sister in law;sexual harrassment; divorce papers.

Take it one day at a time. Try not to look too far into the future. 

Do you have good friends or family for support?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yep a few....And I am at the bottom....so I guess it has to start getting better. Got the check thing sorted out....but still worried about he sexual harassment thing..and I was the victem. It isn't anything like I would have imagined.

I'm taking the boys bowling later....for Eli's b day...he is six. This is so hard. And my stbx's family are not making it any easier. Sis in law is so immature. She has never worked...not that I'm opposed to stay at home moms...but she doesn't do such a hot job of staying at home...She runs the roads and ...oh well that's her life. But she just thinks she is so perfect and smart. But I know her well. She is a liar and a trouble maker....and she is bringing her kids up to be that way too. They didn't even acknowledge my kids when we saw them.......I just told my boys to speak to them if they wanted to...and left it there.

I am definately having a better day.....so like you said...one day at a time...(actually that's too much. ) One step at a time.....one decision at a time....that is what it has come to.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Anyone know why a lawyer would advise his client to wait 45 days to file for divorce. Maybe my hubby...or stbx or what ever he is...is messing with my mind.

He doesn't want me to know where he is living and he doesn't want to talk to me...but he told my brother in law that he was told to wait 45 days......How long does it take to get steroids out of your system? Could it be something I am missing?

I dont' like games......If I want something I just pretty much ask for it....and if I have to do something that I don't want to do....I don't act like its what I want......I don't want a divorce. Still...looks like I'm getting one.

Confused to the brink of insanity.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Found out that last night my husband or stbx...what ever he is....told my brother in law that he was in shock....couldn't believe that I had seen the lawyer much less filed for divorce.

He said that he didn't know where I got the money to do it cause he knew i didn't have any money. The he commented that It had to be my mother.

Then he said that "abandonment" was bull crap....that I had his phone number. (except he won't answer any calls or texts from me). Then he said that I would "never" find out where he is living. He said that he didn't get served because his father works at the county jail and that he "took care of it for him...bc that's how it works when you have connections."

The man has gone completely off his rocker.....something is so wrong with this situation.

I still wish there was another way...but I have to protect my kids and myself. I wish he would talk to me or at least be an adult and do the right thing. But his behavior is so weird.

Any thoughts....advice....definately appreciated.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Go with your gut....if you feel something is wrong then there is a great chance there is!

You are doing a great job in protecting your kids and yourself. 

Stay away from he said...she said. Alot of families love to get in the middle of things. You are doing a find job at that. It only stirs the pot and you don't need any more added.

He eventually will be served....why is he avoiding? Yet, doesn't want you to know where he lives. So that he can avoid being served?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

No...his father got the papers so that he wouldn't have to be served. So he has the papers but didn't get served....get what I'm saying. He wouldn't let me find out where he lives but not so I wouldn't serve him....he never thought i would do it anyway. That was why he was shocked.

I don't know why he doesn't want me to know where he lives...unless there is someone else. Or he is doing it to just hurt me. Either way....he is a sick sick man.

at my lawyer's advice....I am not to let the kids go with him because of this. It is unstable and I think drugs and alcohol are involved. (Certain about the alcohol)

My family are trying to help me out....it's my sister's hubby who he sought out to tell this to...so I would know it. I can't even speak to his family....they have treated us like lepers.....and his sister in law....(his bro's wife) stirred the pot until she got me all out of wits. She wanted......wanted to be there when he moved out....for the pleasure of it. So....now none of them will be nice to me.....they act all "holier than thou."

Thanks for your words......it helps to have someone encourage me....sometimes I feel so all alone.


----------



## Guest (Jul 28, 2009)

Denisek,

I would imagine that his lawyer said that to make sure your H is truly wanting that. My lawyer told me to wait because I had a hard time pulling the trigger on my own filing with an adulterous wife (who I didn't know for sure at the time was cheating). My lawyer told me to wait for a few weeks until I was absolutely sure a divorce was what I wanted. That may or may not be his own reasoning but I also don't want you to get your hopes up as I could be wrong with your H's situation.

I think there is some good and soso advise that I have seen. None of us are experts but there are some things I would like to pass on to you as you go thru this process.

First, your going to go thru some stages (5 stages of grief) in your emotional state that is to be expected. I don't agree with the concept that either of you are emotionally imature. Rather, I think its more selfishness on your H's part. As well as anger mgmt problems, addictive behavior, and an inability to communicate with anyone in your household. Those are chosen traits and not learned traits from his parents imo. All of us are capable of making choices in our lives with the way we act and I don't believe anyone can say otherwise. No one else but him is making him pick up a bottle of booze. No one is making him torment his children and wife. No one else (maybe Steroids) is making him act in that agressive hostile manor, just him. And if it is steroids, no one is forcing him to shoot up. Those are choices he is making. It will cost him his marriage and possibly his relationship with his children.

Please try to avoid letting his behaviors pull you down with him. This seperation/divorce process with likely be painful enough and the worst thing you can do is sit there and let it drag you down. I know this is easier said than done. I've been there and know what a horrid feeling you are dealing with. I can only tell you what I believe will help you. You need to get out and do things for yourself as well as your children. BUT you need your own time as well as your families time. One thing that really helped me was going to a gym. I took cooking classes to get out and socialize. I did anything I could to just get out of the house. You have to do the same. I know when your out, all you will be able to think about is your situation but as time and these phases you will go through passes, your mind will begin to heal and find some peace. But you have to get out and do some things for yourself. Don't convince yourself that you can't.

I would also like to tell you to really open up your mind to what is going on. IMO people do not just leave and close the door unless something or someone else helps them do it. I have witnessed some behaviors in people and I can honestly say, most people do not shut the door like your H unless there is something else going on. Pay attention to if you believe there is someone else involved. After my own experience, I should have seen the signs all along. Your H may not be involved with anyone but don't close your eyes to it and think "oh not him/her, they would never do something like that" I watched a wife do something I would have never imagined her to be capable of. 

One thing though is to keep your nose clean and avoid giving him any advantages in court if it comes to that. If he is going to slip up in his own actions, you will eventually find out. Especially living in a small town. One thing I know is courts are pretty cut and dry. The wife will have the upper hand in court, especially when there are children involved. Assets are for the most part 50/50. Though everything in court is basically settled between the spouses in court anyhows. Somethings may be ruled certain ways but when it comes down to it, you will both end up splitting things up. The judge will typcially watch out for the best interests of the children and mother.

I don't know if your seeing a counselor but I would strongly suggest it. You need someone to talk to. I would avoid talking to family and friends about your issues because I don't believe it will do you much good. If I could do my own situation over again, I would strongly limit what I told my own family and friends only because one their baised and two I don't think you get the best input from them, even if they have gone thru something similar. These forums are good for advise but a professional counselor is the best option. Utilize your friends and family to get your mind off the topic and onto something that lifts your spirits instead of discussing these issues with them. You need to begin healing and their the best bet for that. I got into the trap of talking to my own family and friends about my situation and it ended up being all that was talked about. Not such a good thing when you really need to get your mind off of it.

Just remember this, there are better days ahead. Don't stop believing that, it will happen and when you get there, you will feel much better. I didn't believe it when my therapist told me but she was right. Those days are ahead of you so look forward to them.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks...and the thing with the divorce and waiting 45 days....he filed once before ...in march. Actually....he did it a year before that...but never had the guts to go through with it. so this is time number three.

But this time...I stepped up and took control and filed. I didn't do it for "control" but to protect the kids and myself. My gut tells me that he is at least "talking" to someone else...and if I don't know where he lives....that makes me more suspicious. Not that I need that ......he made his choice. 

Yep....I know all the steps.....I have been there before and NO...didn't ever think he would do this to me....or worse...to his kids. But HE did. Really did a lot for my trust issues....which is funny. I actually trusted him.....more than anyone in my life.

I can't afford to see a counselor now. I can barely pay the bills and my kids need school clothes and supplies. He made the comment about me not being able to afford the lawyer because he left me in such a financial mess....and i think he is liking it.

I wish I could afford a counselor....I wish that I could just get away fromt his stupid small town and everyone in it....start new...but I know you can't run away from problems. And I'm a survivor.....my life has been a testimony to that. I just need someone to talk to.

Funny huh?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise,

Most counselors do pro bono work. You might call one up and ask or ask if they know of any that might be able to take you on for short term counseling. 

Keep us updated....


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Really? That never occurred to me. that is a great idea!

Thanks so very much.


----------



## Guest (Jul 29, 2009)

There is a lot that your attorney should be able to do for you to make sure you are getting support. One thing is to make sure you keep on top of your attorney so that motions are filed and folloowed up on including support/alimony. Make sure to spell out every little detail of what you request from the courts, even if it includes support and counseling should be a part of that especially if he was the sole provider for the family. When children are involved, you have even more leverage in court.

I really felt that when I did get out and try to enjoy myself, it was difficult at first but over time it started to get easier. You will make new friends and have more activities to get your spirits up. It will help while your going through with this. There should be some good support systems there as well for situations like this. Churches usually have support groups. Just try to get out of the house and do something for yourself. Socializing will really help you as you go through this Denise. 

I wish you the best of luck. There are better days ahead!!!!!


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I found out today through a teacher at the school ....Nick has been seeing a woman...girl....what ever she is. The woman works at the prison with him.....she is married and going through a divorce. Has a daughter who is in 1st grade.

I should have known. No man leaves his wife and won't even speak to her or return calls for a month....only once in that time checks on his kids if there isn't something funny going on. I remember now....his secret texting....texts around midnight....I couldn't see....said they were from his sargent.....stuff I wouldn't like.

He guarded his phone too....like his life. That sob.

He bragged that I didn't have the money for a divorce....and he said I wouldn't ever find out where he is staying.

Hum....and guess what? I called my lawyer....turns out....that girls name was very familiar to him.....he is representing her stbx husband in their divorce. And this guy is on the drug task force. I asked about hiring an investigator to catch them in the act....he said they could do that very thing. So I can't talk about it to anyone here.

I though I saw him in the truck with a girl....the night before we left for our stupid trip that was such a disaster.....and now I am convinced that I am right......and she isn't even pretty. So what does that say about me?

I have withered away over twenty five pounds and my littlest son even commented that my belly was skinny......but I am not trying to lose any more weight. I am relieved but devistated......sad but I feel free now. I know what he is doing...I knew it in my heart all the time. Where have all the good men gone? Tell me that.

I am struggling so bad financially now....my mom paid for the divorce ...half up front...750 dollars. Last night a tree limb fell on my van and crushed the driver side window out....500 dollar deductable. Kids need school clothes. Yes...I have internet...but not for long...the bill was paid until he left....and I can't afford it now.....cable either. I am having to take off so many days from work to do the legal stuff.....van repairs.....and kids back to school things.....it's hurt my itty bitty pay check even more.

The house is a mess......all boys.....they go wild when I'm at work. I am alone and scared that I am going to go under. 

And .....geeze...my fifteen year old doesn't seem to understand why I have no money.

How do I do this......I was lucky to get the job I have.....the economy sucks. I have family who have helped me out to the point of exhaustion. Babysitting for me and my mom with the divorce money. What do I do? Where do I turn? I hate asking for help. Want to do it all on my own. He owes me money now....but I might not get it once we start this nasty divorce......until the thing is final...but 200 dollars doesn't go far today.

Advice.....thoughts? Some one talk to me....help me straighten out these thoughts.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Oh Denise, I am so sorry that you were right! Something was fishy...your gut never lies. I'll pray for you. 

I know you feel so overwhelmed. The $200 that he is paying, is it court ordered? Can you lawyer ask for emergency support (from spouse) until the divorce goes through? How many children is he responsible for supporting? 

Cut what you have to...cable, landline, etc. You can always get those back. 

If you have a church as for support. Find where they give away food. I know it's a small community but get linked up with resources. Don't feel embarassed....many people are falling on hard times. 

You job, for now, is to prioritize. Keep the rent and utilities paid, food on the table, and a car running. Everything else, may have to go...temporarily. Oh yes, if you have trouble with electric bills call the company see if they have a plan for low income or emergency support. 

Reach out and ask for help from the community, if you can. 

One day at a time. You are a good person in a bad circumstance.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I found out today through a teacher at the school ....Nick has been seeing a woman...girl....what ever she is. The woman works at the prison with him.....she is married and going through a divorce. Has a daughter who is in 1st grade.
> 
> I should have known. No man leaves his wife and won't even speak to her or return calls for a month....only once in that time checks on his kids if there isn't something funny going on. I remember now....his secret texting....texts around midnight....I couldn't see....said they were from his sargent.....stuff I wouldn't like.
> 
> ...


hang in there. i'm at work. wil check in when i'm off. promise.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks...so much.


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

OH MY GOSH!! How can you write such supportive things for me and be going through this yourself? Reading this thread has made me look at my situation a little differently. 

There is nothing I can say that has not already been said by those much more qualified to comment than me based off of my puny situation. I just wish I could send you a hug somehow.

It looks like you made a big step for yourself in grabbing control of the situation with your filing. You should feel good about that. Instead of being controlled, you are controlling. Something good is bound to come from that.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you so much no1.daddy......I am kinda numb right now. Part of me feels like I am so unworthy...but I know that he is the stupid one. Three boys....who loved him so much...who haven't ment anything to him. Me too.

I feel so all alone. But talking on here and gettin support makes a world of difference. It's hard to have someone who promised to never hurt me this way ....turn out to be like all the rest. Makes me wonder if there is anyone out there who might actually stick around......for me. But I can't get down.....I have three kids depending on me....me and me alone. Sure I can make him support them....and I can even make them go with him for visitation...but I can't make HIM love them.

I don't know what is worse. Thanks...please keep postin for me.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

One day...he'll realize the error of his way. I believe in Karma.

I know how you feel. Like you are a throwaway. I know. Alone. I know. Know that you aren't alone. Many of us are in your situation and we are rootin for the good guys/gals!!!


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Tomorrow is the first day of school for my kids.....sad. That jerk could care less. Isn't it weird. How can he hate me so much that he won't even have anything to do with his kids. Sickening.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I found out today through a teacher at the school ....Nick has been seeing a woman...girl....what ever she is. The woman works at the prison with him.....she is married and going through a divorce. Has a daughter who is in 1st grade.
> 
> I should have known. No man leaves his wife and won't even speak to her or return calls for a month....only once in that time checks on his kids if there isn't something funny going on. I remember now....his secret texting....texts around midnight....I couldn't see....said they were from his sargent.....stuff I wouldn't like.


narcissist. 


DeniseK said:


> Hum....and guess what? I called my lawyer....turns out....that girls name was very familiar to him.....he is representing her stbx husband in their divorce. And this guy is on the drug task force. I asked about hiring an investigator to catch them in the act....he said they could do that very thing. So I can't talk about it to anyone here..


s#!ts gonna hit the fan for him. bet he wishes he had a support structure now!


DeniseK said:


> I though I saw him in the truck with a girl....the night before we left for our stupid trip that was such a disaster.....and now I am convinced that I am right......and she isn't even pretty. So what does that say about me?.


and can i tell you something. it's not about looks. not one bit. and it has even less to do with you. it's about him. same reason some guys buy big a$$ trucks and put shiny [email protected]#king big wheel on them. van halen blaring out of the goddam eight-track player. i hate that prick and every idiot like him. i'll pm you and help you to understand the "she's not even pretty" part.


DeniseK said:


> I have withered away over twenty five pounds and my littlest son even commented that my belly was skinny......but I am not trying to lose any more weight. I am relieved but devistated......sad but I feel free now. I know what he is doing...I knew it in my heart all the time. Where have all the good men gone? Tell me that..


those of us that are good now have been through the flames of he77. we're scared to death of showing you us for fear of rejection. we are good, but we have been very bad. and we know that. the men that are capable of what your husband is doing have been influenced. don't flame me for this please, as the are my beliefs. but satan has a huge influence over 
a$$ho!e$ like him. only a few of us are able to accept jesus into our lives and make ourselves better. and we are damaged goods.


DeniseK said:


> I am struggling so bad financially now....my mom paid for the divorce ...half up front...750 dollars. Last night a tree limb fell on my van and crushed the driver side window out....500 dollar deductable. Kids need school clothes. Yes...I have internet...but not for long...the bill was paid until he left....and I can't afford it now.....cable either. I am having to take off so many days from work to do the legal stuff.....van repairs.....and kids back to school things.....it's hurt my itty bitty pay check even more..


don't be afraid to ask friend and family to help with finances. you have kids.


DeniseK said:


> The house is a mess......all boys.....they go wild when I'm at work. I am alone and scared that I am going to go under..


see dammit. i pay for a maid service for bethie to help her keep up. wtf is wrong with me?


DeniseK said:


> And .....geeze...my fifteen year old doesn't seem to understand why I have no money..


just love the 15 year old and accept that he/she couldn't possibly understand. 


DeniseK said:


> Advice.....thoughts? Some one talk to me....help me straighten out these thoughts.


i hope you'll consider that it ain't about you. i truly can't believe this prick. you sound like such a forgiving, potentially wonderous soul. i'm sorry. and remember karma's a [email protected], even if there's no such thing as karma. but if there is, he's f#@ked.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hey...amazing....don't stop doing what you are doing for her. It's rare. I don't expect perfection....because I can't give it myself. That was an issue for us. He thought I wanted him to be perfect....but that isn't possible. I never expected that out of him....it was his imperfection that I loved so much. The stupid things he said...the mistakes......the good ones. But the lack of love and understanding was something I was totally unprepared for.

He knew what hell I had faced in my past. He knew that I wanted nothing more than a family ....a happy family. I didn't care that he didn't go to college or had a fancy job. I didn't care about money at all. It is the love that I longed for. Love he gave me and then yanked out of my reach.

I'm not perfect.....but he said something that stuck ....and hurt. A week before he left he commented on my weight loss. I was at about 160....and I lost down to almost 135......and he said...."do you think you'll ever get your flat stomach back?"

My six year old told me the other day...out of the blue..."mommy your belly is so skinny...." He had no idea what his dad had said to me over a month ago. Why would he talk to me like that? He made time to go to the gym and to work out and run because I was his built in babysitter. But ask him for sometime to go for a walk...and he was too busy to care for the boys.

Now I take them to the park and I walk while they play. they love it. I guess it was just the point of it all.

Now...he is dating this girl who is .....nothing like me at all......and I haven't seen her...jsut been told that she isn't pretty. I wouldn't say those things about her myself....it's just what I was told. But I know this....she is ugly as sin inside. 

Ugh...I sound so jaded.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

btw....definately can't wait to hear your take on "she's not pretty" voivod. Don't forget it.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> btw....definately can't wait to hear your take on "she's not pretty" voivod. Don't forget it.


check your pm. and please respect the "P" in pm okay.
thanks.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I certainly will respect that. Thank you. Your words were very....hard to bare but I understand that you mean no harm.

I am up and trying to face today. Yesterday wasn't bad....just freaked out. Today.....I feel more alone than ever. I despise him for this.....and I wish that It was over already. I wish I could find someone to truely love me.....but that may never happen. All the men who hit on me.....just want one thing....I know that. And once it is given to them and they have to "Love " me....they will split. So...guess I need to stay away from men altogether.

Funny thing....this has been going on all of my life. Even when....well.....that doesn't matter. I know enough to know that I am obviously worth nothing more than sex to any man alive.

sorry ....really bad attitude today. talk to you guys later. Dont' think I will ever trust again.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I certainly will respect that. Thank you. Your words were very....hard to bare but I understand that you mean no harm.
> 
> I am up and trying to face today. Yesterday wasn't bad....just freaked out. Today.....I feel more alone than ever. I despise him for this.....and I wish that It was over already. I wish I could find someone to truely love me.....but that may never happen. All the men who hit on me.....just want one thing....I know that. And once it is given to them and they have to "Love " me....they will split. So...guess I need to stay away from men altogether.
> 
> ...



now you know why i am working so hard to rebuild trust. you see what lack of trust does.

"this has been going on all my life." what? the most important men in your life? not uncommon. and more proof that it is not your "fault."

more later. i'm sorry. i wish he would work on him. it could help you both.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yes...men in my life. And from a very young age....not so much that I remember everything....cause I don't.

Be nice if someone stuck around and yes...it would definately help me to know that I am worth more than sex to someone.

Sure...I have my own issues...but I can handle most anything becasue of the crap men have put me through...dear old dad included.

God...I'm more messed up than I thought.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> God...I'm more messed up than I thought.


okay, but YOU didn't run off with someone else. HE did. HE needs help, but probably doesn't see it. make him see it. rat his a$$ out to his boss for steroid use, for the affair, whatever. some form of intervention might push him closer to counseling.

i'm waiting for a miracle for myself. you are due one!


----------



## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Stay off the Internet for starters. Why walk into crap when you already know it is there. Get a new email address if you need to just for family and close friends. You do have to protect him and start keeping a journal of "incidents' You may need to report to the court or an attorney some day.


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

In the short time that we have conversed, what you have shared with me shows you are more than sex. I see a strong, smart woman in you. I see someone with high ideals and standards. I see someone with love in their heart for their family. I see someone who loves their children with all their might.

Just as you got on my case for me being down on myself, Ill "slap you around" a bit virtually, then pass along another hug to you. As you say, this is tough to go through. Especially with what you have gone through.

Is there anyway you can get out of where you are at to make a clean break? I realize that is tough financially and for family, but maybe that is a way to cut ties with the experiences you have had mentally as well as physically. Just wondering... For me, I think that would do wonders. I remember you talking about the small town issues, and maybe that may make some of that go away. Not that you need to go become anonymous in the big city, but maybe a clean break away from things that have happened? Any friends you can call on a state or two away? It might be a good mental reset button...

Scott


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yep...well not a whole state away...but nearly. She has offered for me to come down and stay with her. And don't think it isn't on my mind....however the kids just stared school here on Thursday. I would hate to drag them off until I secured a job. I have to wait until my divorce is final too. Then give my stbx six months notice that I am moving. It's in the child protection agreement thing.

Not that he cares. Today is the 31st and he has only texted me one time to ask about the kids. In fact he has only contacted me once in a whole31 days....which was that text. I couldn't even be sure it was him....why? well....he isn't so good at texting and spelling and the spelling was perfect and it was a long text. Sounded suspicious. When I asked him to call and talk to me in person....he text back. "NO talk...just text."

So.....I offered for him to come here to see the boys.....he said no. He refuses to let me know where he is staying....and so I can't trust him with the kids...I mean seriously...he could be in a really bad place. He sure isn't acting normal. God only knows what is going on.

We have our first court date ...Monday...so I will definately know more then. But still fuming.

Srena200....yep...keepin a record. And I am avoiding them completely...internet and in person. I felt foolish for even giving them the amount of power I did.


voivod...thanks.....but I think my miracle is that I actually found out the truth. At least now I know. If he wants help.....If he even gave me an inkling...but he doesn't. I think he has lost all reason....31 days without seeing your kids is rediculous. I wouldn't care if they made me go to He**, I would sleep on the door steps....just to be close to them. I jsut have to face that maybe this is what he really wants......maybe . Dk.

I had a really rotton day today again.....you know what they say..when it rains ...it pours.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

btw...your daughters are beautiful...no1daddy.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Well...today is better. Finally. I am taking the boys to get some shoes...thanks mom. She is constantly doing this...and it makes me feel guilty. Got another money order in the mail today...200 from HIM. The address is his mom's so still have no clue where he is at. 

I don't feel very good but....I am going to fake it today for the boys. They deserve a good day. Still no word from their daddy...working on the second month now.....but court is monday and I am sure he will be there. Surely he will be. Dk though.

So.....guess what. I'm dreading seeing him. It puts my stomach in a knot....especially not that I know he has been with someone else. It will be so hard.....I hope he knows that. How would he feel if it was me....who had moved on? Hmmmm. Well......anyway....just talking.....my nerves are on end but I'm good at faking it.


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I feel so bad for you in this situation. I am not trying to be mean in saying what is here, but I have to ask, do you still have feelings for him, or is it because he is your children's father that you are at the frayed end? From what he has put you through, shouldn't you be glad to begin the end of the pain? Yes, I realize that it is easy to say, and I too may be in the middle of a similar situation (you know my issues), but this person has changed in a big way! Is he someone that you would still want in your life? I think you would agree that he most likely is not the same person that you originally fell in love with. I think you would agree that you most likely would not pick him to have a relationship with now, would you? Do you think he really has moved on, or has he just picked something to fill a need in him that means nothing?

Please don't be angry for me saying these things, as I really don't mean to hurt you. I do know your views on marriage, but abuse can take many forms and you must agree that you are being mentally abused by him right now.

Take care of yourself, I mean it!
Scott


----------



## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

Phil 4:6-7 Don't worry about anything. Check it out if you have time. What your husband is doing is wrong and he is blame shifting. He is responsible for his own actions you are not to blame. If I were you I would close down any internet accounts where he or any friends can send me messages. Don't worry about him in time he will get what he deserves. I don't know if your a believer or not but I think you should pray there you will find peace in the midst of your storm. Keep your head up my sister, things will work out if you put your trust in Him, just you wait and see!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey Friend 

My parents are CONSTANTLY buying things for my daughter makes me feel quilty too  I get torn between being grateful for them helping me out, jealous cause there's sometimes nothing left for me to buy for her and I want to provide for her as she's my kid, and lastly how freaking spoiled she is by them. (She's my Dad's only bio grandchild out of the 7 gkids total between my Dad and his wife's kids, and my Daddy is a sucker for little girls and my daughter own's my step-moms heart so she is VERY spoiled to say the least) 

The other day my Mom emailed me her school supply list w/all of the things she'd already purchased marked off and I was like awe  Hey you're ruining my school supply run to Wal-Mart w/the kiddo back off!

I understand the knot in your stomach feeling...it sucks to know the man you love has been w/someone else. It's a deep gnawing pain that leaves you wondering sometimes wtf the was wrong with me?! Why wasn't *I* good enough? Don't worry hun, he'll regret it one day...this I promise you. Or he'll get the same damn feeling when he finds out you've moved beyond him. It seems to me that people like your stbx and my ex for some reason someone that treats them well and respects them etc is not exciting enough for them or something so they have to go check out the other side of the fence...what kills me and you know this as I've said before...why must they downgrade? :scratchhead: Really?! That's a big WTF for me. 

Shame on him for what he's doing to those kiddos he needs to get his sh*t together PDQ...


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

First....no1.daddy....Yes...I think he has been very abusive. I think it would have escelated to something physical if he hadn't left. I would sit and cry and he would chew me out screaming at me about wanting his time. And no...If I met him for the first time..and he asked me out...I wouldn't give him a second thought. But then I wouldn't know what I know would I?

I think he has changed so much and has no desire to go back to anything like he was. He thought he was whipped when he was good to me. He has wanted out of this for much longer than I ever reallty admited...going back three years probably. That was the first time he threatened to leave...he stayed out most of the night and came home with a truck to get his things....i begged him to stay...and he did.

Yes...Kayla...I am a christian woman. And God is all that has brought me this far. I think of the footsteps poem.....I have been so tested lately. It's like Satan has thrown everything he has at me....trying to get me to stumble....and I'm sure I have stumbled. I have had awful thoughts and haven't been praying as much as I use to. But I am never turning back....I just need refreshing. And I so appreciate your faith. It is wonderful to have someone say that.....please keep the words of encouragment coming. I need it.

And I think the reason I am freaking out so much is that I hate to face anyone who has run me down so much. Him....hating me so much is the hardest thing in the world. I don't like having enemies....especially like this. And he ...right now...is my enemy...at his own choosing. I am not his enemy. I could...should hate him...but I don't....not really. Some days maybe....but in my heart....deep in my heart....I love that man....and just like all the others who have hurt me...I always will. One day it will dull enough to let me move on....I know from experience...but....who knows when.

I'm long winded Iknow...I appologize.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hey thanks Rhea....I was posting at the same time you were....lol.

Yep...you and I are pretty much riding in the same boat. I am so glad that you have a loving father...I wish that was one thing we did have in common. I have a theory...pretty good one. Girls need a positive male role model more than boys do and boys have a strong need for that positive female role model...so I guess I'm lucky ..since they have no male role models. But never underestimate the strength of a mother daughter bond. 

School shopping was so horrible for me...but we made it through. Ikeep telling them that things will get better....we will make it. Especially my oldest. He is a mama's boy alright. But this has really been a bad time...cause he is just starting to pull away from me....a natural thing. Independence is his middle name...and girls are the game. He is so good to his girlfriends too. Im a proud mama. 

It is hard to let my mom buy stuff...but she bought the boys shoes for school. She stuffed the money in a bag of clothes and told me it would be okay. She is a hard woman...but she has always taken care of me when I needed financial help. Part of me wishes that it wasn't financially but emotionally that she was there for me...but..it's her way. I love her which ever way she is.

Take care.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Isn't it amazing that no matter how much pain you go through you can't just hate them?! I deep in my heart love my ex as well. I'm told it will dull eventually but it's still pretty dang fresh at the moment and I have no problem admitting that. I think if it were a cake walk for us to just move on DK then we wouldn't really love them as much as we claim to. 

I think they choose to be complete a$$es because they know what they're doing is foul. They know they don't _*really*_ have any excuse to do what they're doing or to be leaving behind what they're leaving. In the back of their heads they *KNOW * that we love them hardcore and unconditionally and the quilt is just kicking them swiftly in the a$$ so instead of admitting it they hide it by doing whatever it is that they do to us when in their heads they know they truely are the reason and they really need to work on themselves. I think alot of times they know they need to work on themselves but don't think they can or don't know how to really fix their issues so it's just easier for them to run. Unfortunately even telling them that you'll be there when they hit rock bottom (which well all know they have to do before they come back up) isn't even enough to keep them there and feel safe and loved and content and comfortable...sigh...it sucks so much I wish I could put it into more descriptive words than that, but that's about all I've got...it sucks and it hurts....bad 

I too am long winded and I apologise...not to mention your situation is like living mine all over again so I know what you're going through


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes...you took the words right out of my mouth. That is exactly how I feel. In my first marriage....It was like that. And it did dull...with lots of prayer. Finally.....after four years I was able to move on. Of course I was terrified of him...he had threatened to kill me and so I just knew he would do something if I ever went out on a date...which I didn't want to do.

So....here I am...same situation...stupid men. (sorry guys...not all of you). I seem to be a magnet for the wrong men. Actually...know what my mother said to my sister. It isn't them...it's me....I make them feel so good about themselves....treat them so good that they start thinking they are better than me. Done that with every one apparently. My flaws are always bigger than anyone elses. 

It's okay...be long winded. I love to read. It keeps my mind busy and I feel we have so much in common it's like talking to myself. take care my friend.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> So....here I am...same situation...stupid men. (sorry guys...not all of you). I seem to be a magnet for the wrong men.


unfortunately, you know you're right about that deniseK. you are a magnet for "the wrong kind of men." you've illustrated that in your posts. it takes a strong person to admit that.

some of us "stupid men" are magnets for a certain type of woman.

i know you still care for your husband...no fault there..just continue to be the best you that you can be. he isn't making it easy, i know that. but keep praying and don't let the ugly hate take you over. that, too, is satan working on you.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I know that voivod. I battle it daily. Especially when ever he does something fresh to hurt me.

It happens not that I am dreaming about him at night....stuff that really hurts. MOstly it's about him being here...but things haven't changed. He is still hurting me. So it's like reliving the same nightmare over and over.

I thought I had a handle on this....but I am doubting myself.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

The thing that's a killer is when they leave with no reason then head straight towards someone else. The doubt takes a while to get over. The thing that gets me is the constant thinking of "what could I have done better" etc...I knew/know I'm not perfect. But I also know that although I'm not perfect I KNOW I did not give that man any reason to seek out another woman...

The nights are the worst. The days were tolerable for me. Things kept me busy...but when home around the house and my daughter having gone to bed and then it's just me...that's the time that killed me...no one to talk with about cursery day to day BS...no one to sit on the couch w/and watch dumb shows before bed...and then actually going to bed...

Keep talking DK...keep coming here and posting...I know it kills hun...but I do know one thing...no matter how long it takes you WILL pull through...and there WILL be better days hun...

I'll PM you in a bit.

Rhea


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I had a pretty bad day today. It's hard to talk about it all with my family. And Sundays we always get together. My brother's wife teared up with me today and I feel bad anyway. Last night I had a relapse of that virus and I am so weak....still dropping weight. I try to eat...but can't force much down.

It's starting to show. God...I dread tomorrow. I hope he doesn't show up for court. I hope he is just too lazy and I don't have to see him. It will hurt so bad. Why can I still care about someone who does these things to me? I keep telling myself that I am strong and can do this...but it feels so sureal.....like I"m in a dream.

The kids hardly even mention him....basically only Elijah our 6 year old. He says stuff about if daddy was here or before daddy left. But he never says he misses him. The 8 year old won't even talk about him. And my oldest...who he raised for ten years....just says he makes him sick.

I'm so tired ......and you know...I'm not perfect either Rhea..but no one on this planet is perfect....no one. We are just in a bit different class of human that is all.....refusing to do what they did and refusing to live like that. Still....here we are ...hurting like h*** for something that we have no control over. And the kids pay for it too. No matter how nice or friendly the divorce is....the kids are the real victems. How many two parent (origional) families do you know? It's disheartening.

here i go again....rambling my thoughts. I just dont' understand.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I feel you on it. ALL of it. I know the pain. I know the questions. I know the I can't eat anything or even force myself to eat anything feeling. My one suggestion towards that is ensure or something similar...chocolate flavor is the most tolerable...at least it has nutrients in it...I went for days at a time it seemed w/no apetite. My stomach hurt, I had the sh*ts. I don't even know how you get the sh*ts if you're not putting anything in to come out. Ok sorry too much info there. 

I wish I could explain why we care or love them still. I've tried to come up w/an answer to that one myself. I don't know why I can't hate my ex. It's strange very yes. But like I said before. It's because we loved them and truely and I believe that's why we can't just hate them. 

The kids make it very hard. My daughter STILL says oh Daddy would have liked this, that was Daddy's favorite meal, if the seats leaned back in the car she's like was Daddy in here...all kinds of things. 

Yes you're right. No one on this planet is perfect. But I believe DeniseK you are very similar to me and so is you're whole situation so I'm guessing you didn't give him any reason to go searching for something else either. It's them. It's a deeper rooted issue. One which they won't address. Many things can cause it, self esteem, depression, childhood etc. I think they need attention and from one person is not enough. I complimented my husband, loved on him, did nice things for him, told him how lucky I felt to be blessed with him to walk beside me everyday, always wanted to have sex w/him etc...not enough. He still had to talk to other women...needed that to feel good about himself I guess. Still does as he's not found one and stuck w/it. 

Yes we have no control over it and I think that's one of the worst experiences. To have to go through a divorce or separation of which you didn't ask for, didn't deserve, can't change (and believe me I tried), can't stop, don't understand...in essence you're lost. 

I'm thinking about you...I'm not a big phone talker, but I do text so if you want a buddy that you can talk to even when you're not logged in...PM me, I'll gladly give you my digits 

Praying for your strength...

Rhea


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Vivoid, 

I'm curious about the it doesn't matter if they're pretty or the in essence them downgrading from you when they go to another woman...I saw you had some insight or experience or words of wisdom on that one. I'd love to hear it if you don't mind sharing...if it's personal then thats ok too...

I'm curious as to this because oh man...you should see the "thing" my ex is currently "dating" if you want to call it that. She's a child 20 to his 29 years of age and oh so not attractive at all. I don't toot my own horn much as I think of myself as an average girl next door...but I do know that I don't look like that girl.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

rhea...this woman that my stbx is seeing ...I ran into her at the walmart while my kids and I were grocery shopping. I knew it was her but I hadn't seen her in a few months. She is out of shape...over two fifty ..loud and obnoxious....pretty unattractive. I didn't like her much before i knew about this...but to me it's the inside that is so very very ugly. She traded off her kid for a divorce...she looked at me like she wanted to rip my head off.

Maybe it's because I ratted her out...or maybe because she wants him so much. He has always thought of himself as physically fit. Works out...Probably uses steroids and goes religiously to the tanning bed. I saw him getting out of his truck there...using our tanning visits....the other week. I don't much care for the tanning beds....like the sun better.

Anyway.....it surprised me so so much that he would berate me for not having a washboard tummy when he turns to that for comfort. So.....I don't know. Maybe it's just the sex. My first husband turned to an older woman....druggie girls and an ex girlfriend who ended up befriending me before I found them out. I was shocked at how unattractive I felt when he chose them over me.

I mean...when i put my wounded ego against that....it really did some damage. Then I realized that he has a serious problem....he would do it with anyone...and I do mean anyone. So I was the special one....I was the only one he ever had a kid with so.....I got a part of him that no one else ever did...the best part of him.

Now...Nick....who was the polar opposite of him....has turned around and done the very worst thing imaginable. He did what he knew would kill me. And I think that is why he did it. He is a punisher....developed that trait after we married. 

So...what am I being punished for? I don't exactly know...for not enabling him in his behavior. maybe. What he went looking for was freedom....something I couldn't ever give him. I guess that was it.

Still burns though.

I'm sure your husband's reasons are equally screwed up..but he sounds more like my first hubby. The habitual cheater....a man who just uses women and moves on.....definately messed up. I hope you meet someone who will love you completely....I hope that for both of us....my friend. And yes...pm.....I'll text you sometime...I never have enough good friends.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ladies...

okay, my perspective. we see you as beautiful. you really are. and our standards haven't changed. you are still the most beautiful things we've known. WE'VE changed.

we don't know how we've changed. but we found something, um, missing. i hate this explanation, because it's the chickens#!t kinda stuff that wayward wives dish out in the ILYB speech.

the new chick gives us something. i don't know what. and i don't think it's visible. we've got a self-esteem issue that's getting stroked in the new relationship.

you see why i hate this explanation. it's bu77s#!t!!!!

now, you know how bad we men (broken toys) want to hear from you "i'll do whatever it takes" from you. but we don't wanna let go of what we're getting from our new hussy. we're scared that we'll never feel it again.

i feel bad for the offended party. i really do. i put my first wife in that position, and i'd love to take it back because i hurt her. i don't want another human to hurt that way.

so yeah rhea, i guess it IS personal. but my heart hurts enough for you folks getting d!$ked around. i want you to know another side of the story. not to justify, just to let you know we're so goddam sorry we're hurting you. and selfish as it seems, if we knew we could have that feeling with you (remember, our self-esteem is broken) we'd go back to the beginning in a new york minute.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

But, voivod....I upped my hubby's self esteem so much that he thought he deserved better than me. At least that is what I am told by people who knew us. He honestly thinks he is right. Do you see what I mean? He wants to do whatever he wants and no one to hold him responisble...i think you called that the peter pan syndrome...

I don't understand the whole self damage thing either. I really think you have great perspective...you opinion is so very appreciated so don't take this personally. I just think you might want to think no man can just be a cruel a**hole. He wanted me to follow him once he got "right". He said a good wife would follow him and let him be the leader. Like....he wanted to make all the decisions and me have no say. He wanted control of me....but he already had control....I loved him..that is the ultimate in control.

I have really been going through my head and I think all of this is just a punishment.....like he always delt out. If he hurt my feelings..I was always pouting...wasn't allowed my own feelings. This is someone who's personality took a huge swing in a totally different direction. Keep in mind his mother is very dominating....controlling.....so what is your take on that? I'm dying to know.

oh...btw...today is the 2nd.....and he still has not contacted me about the kids. He sent another money order with his mom's address on it. 200 dollars. wow....400 a month is really gonna buy the kids a lot. Meanwhile...I tallied it up...if that is what I get in child support...then I will be living on half the income he is and there are four of us. That is love?

again, voivod...no disrespect at all.....I am so proud of how you are treating you wife. Keep it up.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey Denise

Yeah I'm getting your PM's....are you not getting my responses? I think I responded to all but 1 or 2 of them...

Sent you my number just a few minutes ago. Let me know if you got it. 

I'll be back to write more later.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yep..got it...I pmd you back. It's the same here....on and off...I sneak on when my kids are busy. But they can smell when I'm doing anything that requires my full attention.....lol. They come running. Mommy....I hear them now.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> But, voivod....I upped my hubby's self esteem so much that he thought he deserved better than me. At least that is what I am told by people who knew us. He honestly thinks he is right. Do you see what I mean? He wants to do whatever he wants and no one to hold him responisble...i think you called that the peter pan syndrome...


yes, i do understand the PP stuff. and it sounds like that. but just so you know, "people who knew us" does not make a good focus group. i'd love to see him ("nick", right?) get into some talk therapy. so he could recognize and deal with his self-esteem issues. i think a decent therapist would find that.


DeniseK said:


> I don't understand the whole self damage thing either. I really think you have great perspective...you opinion is so very appreciated so don't take this personally. I just think you might want to think no man can just be a cruel a**hole.


no, i want to think no_human_can just be a cruel a$$hole. i have way too much faith in human dignity. i know.


DeniseK said:


> He wanted me to follow him once he got "right". He said a good wife would follow him and let him be the leader.


he may have a twisted grasp on a biblical principle, but you can right that ship.


DeniseK said:


> I have really been going through my head and I think all of this is just a punishment.....like he always delt out. If he hurt my feelings..I was always pouting...wasn't allowed my own feelings. This is someone who's personality took a huge swing in a totally different direction. Keep in mind his mother is very dominating....controlling.....so what is your take on that? I'm dying to know.


the dominant, controlling mother??? s#!t, you're hitting too close to home denisek. beth has several times in front of a counselor brought up my mom. beth seems like she's onto something. lemme think on that one for a second.


DeniseK said:


> oh...btw...today is the 2nd.....and he still has not contacted me about the kids. He sent another money order with his mom's address on it. 200 dollars. wow....400 a month is really gonna buy the kids a lot. Meanwhile...I tallied it up...if that is what I get in child support...then I will be living on half the income he is and there are four of us. That is love?


hmmm...tell me about how you felt the moment you found the 200 dollars. feeling about the money, and where it came from.


DeniseK said:


> again, voivod...no disrespect at all.....I am so proud of how you are treating you wife. Keep it up.


thank you. ironically enough, i just got off the phone with her. she admitted in a round-about way how wrong she was about something she did. wow. beth?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ah...seems that things are looking up for you and beth. You should be smiling .....like big time.

The money...well....I felt sick. I felt like a dirty (insert ugly word). This is what I am worth....this is what the kids are worth. Not your love....not your attention...not a phone call where you actually call...not even a text. We are worth 200 dollars mailed from your mother's address so that I can't find out wher you live.

want to know why I can't know where he lives. Because I would have been over there.....insisting on talking. I haven't backed out on him...and I would love for him to see a counselor. He adamently refuses to go. Like....it's death or something. Nothing...not one thing has opened his eyes. I begged for counseling...did some myself..you know that. And what.....I'm not worth a few small sessions. NOPE.

I am so sick. I thought it was a virus...but I'm not so sure. Maybe it's cause I have to go to court tomorrow for divorce proceedings that I don't want. What else can I do?

and you are right.....the people who knew us...aren't a good focus group...but they watched him change....from a loving man to a self absorbed jerk. And yet...I love him. But I love the him who use to be...not the doctor hyde that he is now. I have self esteem issues...but I don't behave that way.....why?

and how can I right any ship. His mother is h*** bent on him doing things her way. She neglected us because we didnt' go to her church....(not even a different religion)....then when he finally went with her....he began to ignore us....like we are lepers.....honestly. She has pushed this issue but she said some nasty stuff about me in that church and I do not feel comfortable there.....still I agreed to visit. But then he wouldn't let me...it's like I called his bluff. I don't know. how do you fix anything when he won't even talk to me. I mean he won't talk to me AT ALL. remember...he is hiding out.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> Ah...seems that things are looking up for you and beth. You should be smiling .....like big time.


oh, i'm catious, but i am hopeful. smiling? grinning.


DeniseK said:


> The money...well....I felt sick. I felt like a dirty (insert ugly word). This is what I am worth....this is what the kids are worth. Not your love....not your attention...not a phone call where you actually call...not even a text. We are worth 200 dollars mailed from your mother's address so that I can't find out wher you live.


i promise you, he wasn't wanting you to feel like a dirty ***** being bought off. look at it this way please. let's say he had a thousand bucks in surplus. how would you feel if he gave it all to you. precious to him. his last surplus dime for you and the kids. what if he had ONE DOLLAR in surplus. and gave it to you. you see where i am going, right?

the "mother's address"? maybe part of the self esteem thing. because i swear to God that's what he's got. i believe that with all my heart.


DeniseK said:


> want to know why I can't know where he lives. Because I would have been over there.....insisting on talking. I haven't backed out on him...and I would love for him to see a counselor. He adamently refuses to go. Like....it's death or something. Nothing...not one thing has opened his eyes. I begged for counseling...did some myself..you know that. And what.....I'm not worth a few small sessions. NOPE.


God, i wish i could talk to him. i would convince him of the sanctity of wedding vow, the wonder of the soul, he needs to be in a caring peer group. AA? i don't know. but a church group of men. even at his crazy mom's church.


DeniseK said:


> I am so sick. I thought it was a virus...but I'm not so sure. Maybe it's cause I have to go to court tomorrow for divorce proceedings that I don't want. What else can I do?


i would speak candidly to your attorney in front of the judge. say that you don't want this divorce. and with proper mediation you believe it can be saved. that you don't want to be a statistic, you want to be a family. really pour your heart out.


DeniseK said:


> and you are right.....the people who knew us...aren't a good focus group...but they watched him change....from a loving man to a self absorbed jerk. And yet...I love him. But I love the him who use to be...not the doctor hyde that he is now. I have self esteem issues...but I don't behave that way.....why?


okay. you have self esteem issues and you don't act that way. so what. i have cancer and i don't feel like _that_ cancer victim. it varies so. self-absorbed? remember the word i used? nacissistic. or the term we've both used. peter pan.




DeniseK said:


> and how can I right any ship. His mother is h*** bent on him doing things her way. She neglected us because we didnt' go to her church....(not even a different religion)....then when he finally went with her....he began to ignore us....like we are lepers.....honestly. She has pushed this issue but she said some nasty stuff about me in that church and I do not feel comfortable there.....still I agreed to visit. But then he wouldn't let me...it's like I called his bluff. I don't know. how do you fix anything when he won't even talk to me. I mean he won't talk to me AT ALL. remember...he is hiding out.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

ok...you kinda left me hanging. you have cancer? 

Why do you have so much faith in love? I wish so much that some one would talk to him. that is part of my anger. His brother is a faithful husband...his father...too. Both have very dominating wives...believe in the santity of marriage...except ours. Why?

No one has stood up to him on my behalf...on our behalf. He thinks love is being whipped. 

Of course I will pour out my heart. The attorney has heard this from me already...but I do not believe that with a mediator this can be solved. I think he is done with me.....I believe with all my heart that he doesn't love me anymore. I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could wake up adn this was a nightmare. I've almost wished myself out.

I stopped being important to him.....I got lost...and he found what makes him.."happy". Me....I'm left...suffering and caring and then .....

I have to go through with this divorce...unless he gives me a reason not to. If I don't...then I am just sitting around waiting for him to do it. Which I know he will. I mean...this is the third time he has seen a lawyer about it....

The last time he left ...in feb....I pushed counseling...he agreed...backed out. Then did church counseling two times...then refused to go back. Said he knew what he needed to do....but....it didn't last. Sometimes...Love just ain't enough. This IS his choice....(i'm speaking softly now).....tears....HIS choice. Not mine. I dont' want it...nothing in me wants it. I so want himto love me again. I so want him to wake up....I want it all back. But...You can lead a horse to water...but you can not make him drink. 

Maybe...at the last hope I have...maybe divorce will wake him up. If not....I do not have a clue what to do.....but I know this. It will be a long....long...long time before anyone ever has my heart again. Maybe never.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> ok...you kinda left me hanging. you have cancer?
> *no silly. just making a point about the difference in how a disease affects you. low selk esteem, he deals with different than you do.*
> 
> Why do you have so much faith in love? *once you've had true love, it's hard not to have faith in it* I wish so much that some one would talk to him. that is part of my anger. His brother is a faithful husband...his father...too. Both have very dominating wives...believe in the santity of marriage...except ours. Why?
> ...


that's the toughest love, slamming him with a divorce. hard to appeal to his heart when you can't find it. that's why i'm saying pour it out in front of your attorney and the judge. maybe (if he shows up) he'll react.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

This is my hope...my prayer. Thanks voivod. Thanks so much.

Can't go to sleep...my minds running a million miles a minute.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

*And yet...I love him. But I love the him who use to be...not the doctor hyde that he is now.*


Holy **** I'm pretty sure I've said this verbatim to many a folk whom have asked me...and do you still love him yes and read above...that is exactly what I love...who he used to be...

Now give me a chance to catch up as I've missed alot but I will be back with more friend.


Rhea


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> ok...you kinda left me hanging. you have cancer?
> 
> Why do you have so much faith in love? I wish so much that some one would talk to him. that is part of my anger. His brother is a faithful husband...his father...too. Both have very dominating wives...believe in the santity of marriage...except ours. Why?
> 
> ...


*This brought me to tears...I feel like you're retyping my thread and just changing a few things here and there...

I wish I knew what to say...I wanted it so bad too...I wanted him to love me as much, as deep, as unconditionally as I loved him...I wanted him to want to put as much effort and fight as hard for our marriage as I was...why didn't he?

Wow, you've hit me deep with this post and I'm kind of at a loss for words at the moment (which is rare)...

Again I'll be back with more later...it's late (1:45AM) but I wanted to check in before I went to bed...I'll check in on you in the am.

Thinking of you, praying for you, hoping for you.
Rhea*


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Hi Denise,

I know exactly how you feel.My STBX avoids any kind of conversation with me. While I love her and wish ro reconcile, she is living her life.

I really don't know what your H may be doing but whatever it is, judging by your posts, you should win custody and child support. 

GL in court today and stay strong.


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thinking of you and praying for you today. I realize that today will be hard, but you are strong. You can do this. Just remember this - all of us back here are backing you up. WE won't be leaving you anytime soon.


----------



## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

This has struck a cord with me too. There is a big lump in my throat. 

I think I may be coming to the point where I have to let go too.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise,

I will pray for your today....Perhaps God will soften his heart at some point.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh...Thank you all so very very much. It's almost time to get the kids up for school.....we are on the ammended calender. So School starts up in July here. So....I have a few hours until court....my stomach hurts...I feel like throwing up and OMG Rhea...yep....diahrea. I have had that too.

Part of me hopes we get an extenuation...or what ever it's called. I want him tested for steroids. Something I forgot to mention in my earlier posts...came to me this morning.

When Iwould go to bed...if he was already asleep....often...I had to approach the bed gently....cautiously. A time or two....when I tried to get into the bed without waking him...he would get startled and try to attack me. One night he actually did. He could have killed me.....it was like sleep walking but much much worse. His fists raised.....grabbing me by the arm...threatening to beat my brains in. He doesn't remember these episodes. I begged him to get help.

Imagine a 6 year old...bad dream....coming into his room at two oclock in the morning. My six year old has night terrors sometimes. Imagine if he did that.......with my six year old. He could accidently kill him.....OMGG I am so freaking out. Why did I just remember this.

This is much more screwed up than I am giving it credit for.
Prayers...keep them up....I love you all. Really.


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Every time I read your descriptions of this life you have led, it makes me feel terrible. I cannot IMAGINE being in this situation. There must be some chemical/mental issues there that have changed him. Every message you show how strong you are. I don't know what I would have done in your situation. I feel vengeful in my situation, which is nothing compared to you. He has hurt you mentally and physically. He has taken your family from you, a most prized possession in my book. He continues to do this even when you two are not together. I don't think I could hold it together as much as you have. You have every right to have him thrown in jail or even worse. I know that is not the christian thing to say, and I can't believe I said it, as I am not a violent person. However, No person has the right to abuse and control someone like this.

Again, I wish you well. Our collective thoughts and prayers are with you. YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG!


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I had a thought that I hope you get before you go to the court. You and others have said that you still love this man and want to work on the relationship. It was mentioned that you should let the judge know this for consideration in how to proceed. One item of caution to think about - do you want a relationship with who he is, or a relationship with who he was at one time? Do you think there is any way he will change back into the loving person he once was? If he does change, could he change again back into who he is now?

I just hate to think of you going back into the abuse and torment.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I got slammed. he got what he wanted. I did say how much I loved him and that I wanted things to work out. He said that he still had "feelings " for me. I know what kind too. SEX.

He killed me today. I went in with nothing and came out with nothing but more tears. He knows what it has done to me. I could have walked out in front of a truck. I mean it. All my strenght is gone.

I have to make the kids go with him this weekend even if they cry. I will suffer so much. All my faith is gone.....I don't even have th strength to move.....I just wnt to curl up in a ball and die.

He got a really good attorney.....I don't even get help with court fees. He .....I lost all words. 

I jsut want to die. Die Die Die. Does anyone understand that?

How can he do this.....I told them that I wanted counseling....wanted him to get help...that I loved him. Wanted him to be a good daddy to the kids.....I told them about the nights when he was violent in his sleep....the steroids....the other woman...who I think he has been texting....lots.

Some one please...please help me.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Awe sweetie, ugh I wish I had the words to comfort you...but I know as much as I want it to... anything I say won't really help. This is not your fault. It was not your decision. You're only going through this because he is making you. Not giving you any other option all though you are giving him many options. He's being rediculous. 

Cry and then cry some more text me, I am at work but will respond when I can. Ill check on you in a bit.

Rhea


----------



## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was hoping for a better outcome. I can't believe someone can be so heartless to do this. I wish I could do more for you.

If you want to beat up on a guy, go ahead and whip on me. PM if you need to. Your words have helped me. Maybe I can repay you something. Just keep venting and screaming. We are your support and shoulder.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

So what exactly happened and what is total outcome unless you don't want to share it.

How much time with the kids did he get?
Does he have to pay child support? Spousal support?
How did the judge react about the fact that he left you guys and didn't show up?
What was his best argument vs. you?

You do not have to answer these but I hate the fact that you feel you got slammed. I mean, how could he get what he wanted?

Also, I think your problem is money. If you had money you could take this case to the next level. Yes, a good lawyer is important part of this. IDK if you were happy with yours.

*But one thing is for sure. You DO NOT wanna die. Don't get depressed now. Now is the time to be the strongest.*

I am in touch with a woman who went through almost exactly the same as you are and she got 50/50 custody. So don't lose faith or hope. Just take still step by step and think what's best for your children.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

He got standard visitation...even though he might be on drugs....and his violence....and neglect of the kids. Starting this weekend. He got what he wanted for child support...400 a month for 2 kids. The judge (if that is what he was) hasn't made a final ruling....yet. but this doesn't leave me much hope. And his best argument...he didn't hve one except I was irrational.

He cared deeply for me...still has strong feelings for me..but we just can't get along. those were his words. I cried....said I wanted him to be a daddy....and his lawyer was a total butt. Thing is...my lawyer is more expensive...and he doesn't even have to pay my fee cause he has insurance. And my lawyer doesn't use it. His lawyer is in with the big bad judges in this small hick town. We have a huge history of bad behavior in our system

Lately it has even made the news. Bad judges..bad lawyers....scandel after scandel. And he is a prison guard. He didn't get served cause his dad works at the county jail and someone took him the papers to spare Nick the embarassment.

I could've spared him...if he would have just talked to me. He didn't even consider that Nick has been avoiding my calls and wouldn't let me know where he lived. Or that he might be seeing someone else.

Nick called my name as I walked down the sidewalk...two times....but I didn't look back. Heck ...I could've walked out in front of a semi....that is how distraught I was. The kids don't really want to go..but I gotta make them. They haven't been away from me at night in years. The younges...has night terrors.

Nick saw what he was doing to me today. I know that for a fact. I don't think anyone at that courthouse could deny that I was one devistated woman. I even cried just waiting to go in......people would ask..."are you ok?" My lawyer hugged me.....told me he was sorry and that we would meet wednesday and work this out.

He had to explain everything to me slowly....I know I looked like a zombie....my head was spinning. He said...i know you are in pain...but it's going to be ok. I kept saying...but what does this mean?

Still....if I must suffer.....and I am suffering greatly...I hope it touches him.....at least for five minutes he knew what he was doing to this woman who loves him so much. He couldn't deny that.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Okay....no...I don't want to die. I did earlier but this is why I'm not suicidal.....I know that feeling will eventually pass. And it did. Still not psyched about living but not wanting to be dead either. Opps ....i might smile.

Sorry for freaking anyone out.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Well it could be worse. What if he went for shared custody? Look on the bright side even though it is hard.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise.....court is over. The big sucky day! You made it through. 

Perhaps he can build a different/better relationship with the kids? Not sure if he is capable...perhaps he will be forced because you aren't there to take up the slack.

You are a strong woman. Let it out. He's a coward. Runs away because the going gets tough! I feel sorry for the prison he works at...


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

You know..if not for the crap he pulled after court...I ws finally ok. I broke down...had my melt down and then recovered amazingly quickly. by the time my sister picked up the kids...I was able to smile and mean it. 

Then...boom...like a freaking bomb went off. He pulls this crap.

Why?

If he had let it all go and used his head..then I would have jsut agreed to everything.....which I will probably anyway. Why drag this out? He obviously doens't love me....doesn't want to work this out...so why fight anymore. Why not jsut let him get tired of the kids and then be there to pick up the pieces when he does?

My prayer is that he wakes up for their sake.....and is a daddy for once. A good daddy. Don't think having them is the key to that...only a deep soul search would wake someone like him up. Hope it doesn't take too long. they deserve better than this.

I just hope the damage that he has done over the past few years will be reversable. You can't call your kid "retard" or "big head" or aggrivate the constantly about their flaws and them come out healthy adults. I have been their only protector....and I won't be there to interveen for them....

God I am so stupid for loving a man like him...what am I thinking? He acts like a bully with his own kids.

God I hope that changes.....I pray it does.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Stop the car! He calls his kids retards?!

WOW...I'ma round up all my boys and tell them there's free agression release on Nick. 

Hell let the inmates loose on him, I bet it'd entertain them more than a few hours on the yard.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

lol...lol...lol....okay. Rhea...you actually made me laugh. 

Yep..I am not lying.....and he thinks it's funny. Just like chasing them with a monstor mask while they scream and cry their eyes out. Just like telling me I look like templeton off Charolett's web...is funny. (it was when I was pregnant.)

There are issues here....deep deep issues. And my brother said that same thing....the man needs a hiney whipping.

Dont think that would work, tho. he is right. he always is.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I've always wondered why people have issues admitting they have issues...especially those with very SEVERE issues.

I know its hard trust me I do, who wants to admit they're wrong...not to many people I know of...but this is deeper than I'm wrong you're right.

WAY deeper. These boys NEED help. They think being an a$$hat is helping...really they do in their empty heads and hearts and yes they're empty well at least 90% of their heads and hearts are...

It's rediculous. Not to mention sad. Very very sad. They won't be any happier with whomever else they decide to run to. They'll just only be able to fake it for another said period of time and it will all resurface all over again...

Call it PeterPan, call it depression, call it selfworth issues, call it A$$hattedness, being a player, whatever you choose.

I call it pathetic and sad. Knowing that once they love themselves they will be able to love someone else fully and then they'll brink on happiness and hopefully be brave enough to continue the journey as them not the person they pretend to be a vast majority of the time.

The real them that we saw, but we only got it for so long too it's like they figure it out and then they feel weak so they have to suck it back up. 

Oh...ugh...blah!


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Perfect. Sounds just exactly like Nick. Once ws good...then thought he was whipped and now....wham...bad boy.

dk if I can expand on that or not.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Any advice on what to do this weekend......maybe someone can help. Nick is getting the kids for the first time....and well...they are my life.

I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. 

recommendations....welcomed.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

Denise. Despite what this man did to you, the kids are still his kids. They will be with their father and the law has ordered it. 

So what you can do for the weekend is to prepare something special for your kids to surprise them when they come back. I know you are on a tight budged but it doesn't have to be anything expensive....

You know what they like so spend part of the weekend thinking of them and preparing something.

I hope you are allowed to call your ex at least once a day to talk to your kids when they are with him.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am...but he won't answer my calls. he jsut wants to talk....telll me who I need to behave. I am behaving very calmly. I just have nothing more to say to him. 

Nope.....my brain will melt down. I need something to make me forget that my kids aren't here.....not remind me of how much I miss them.

maybe a long book or something...but I do not want to be alone.


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Although I have been following your thread, I haven't been posting lately. I just wanted to offer support. Be strong and NEVER EVER lose your faith! Your faith is one of the most valuable possessions you can have while on this earth. And that is something no one can take from you--not even the sorry ex! Do you have a daily devotional book? A friend gave me a copy of Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman. It has been a wonderful thing! I read it every morning before leaving the house. It definitely "lifts me up" before I take on the world each day. 

Hang in there and be strong. You have many people pulling for you and praying for you and your children. If possible spend time with family and friends this weekend while the boys are gone. It helps pass the time.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Yes.....I definately don't want to be alone. Thanks. The prayers are so very needed and welcomed.

I was going to go see a friend but it's too far for this short amount of time. He is not getting the boys like he is suposed to. He is waiting till saturday morning and bringing them back in the afternoon sunday....so.....it kinds is a bit short..not that I'll complain......they're my life....one and a half days in over a months time...wouldn't be enough for me. but I'm just funny like that.


----------



## Harris (Apr 5, 2009)

So they are there from Friday evening to Sunday evening I guess......?


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

no....from Sat morning until sunday at 4. He wanted to "talk" to me about it. But I refused. Told him that all I wanted to know was when and when he would bring them back.

He didn't like that. Called 3 times while I ws at work. I finally had to remind him of the restraining order. He kept saying..."i know the kids are hurting"

NOT...I didn't say it but i thought...nope they are just fine. Don't miss you...don't want to go...I am making them...lying to them about how much fun it will be...you creep.....it's me that is hurting. My thoughts not my words. I won't give him anymore pleasure in that.

So.....he first said that he wanted them on sat...then sat and sun....then got mad and said friday throught sunday. When I kept agreeing...he went back to his origional ....sat at 9.30 through sun at 4. Dk why he wants to bring them home so early. Don't really care. he never spent any time with them when he was home....Never. And he never kept them for me when he was off and I had to work.....so....why do I expect this to be pleasant for him. 

I imagine that his sis in law will have them most of the day sat...so they can play with her kids. That is what his idea of quality time is. And they may even spend the night with her.

I'm just worried about my 6 year old. He has spent the night with her before and woke up crying at night. She brought him home....he is just a momma's baby. Hopefully he won't do that this time...with brother there. I pray. Cause they won't be sympathethc this time.

Oh well.....I've talked them up...they still aren't excited...but not fussing about going anymore. Just giving me those looks...like...why? 

Hmmm..maybe I will enjoy the free time...something I never get.....but not for a while...not till I'm use to this....Quiet.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Told you.....it happened just like this.

I texted him to say that I was driving my mom's expedition...and he texted Ok.

I pulled up....got the boys out of the car and walked them around to him. I handed him the bag..."their clothes and tooth brushes."

Then I turned and hugged them both big...told them they would have a great time adn that I loved them.

"yes...we're going to your cousins to play" He says.

I didn't respond..."told the boys to mind their daddy and that they would have a wonderful time again."

I told him they had stuffy noses...

He tried to tell me he had one too....I turned and ignored his response, giving the boys one more hug.

then I started to go around the car. 

he says..."thankyou".....looking like a ghost.

I didn't respond...jsut kept walking.

I get in...look back and he is putting them in his mother's car..who is parked on the other side of him......So....they weren't going with him after all.

So.....confirmation.:scratchhead: Why the heck do you want your kids if you arent' going to be the one spending time with them?

anyone?

But this is what he wants...so this is what he gets. HOpe his family enjoy being a babysitter....that is all I was to him...a twenty four seven babysitter.

So....I'm going to do something today for me.....if I can manage. 

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wow...so he takes them and sends them off w/his Mom...awesome. 

I'm very proud of you for not exploding at him in front of them.

I would have had a VERY hard time not doing that...see how as this is supposed to be "his" time.

Ugh!

Go see "The Ugly Truth" if there's a theatre near you...very funny. 

I'll check on ya's in a bit 

Hugs
Rhea


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Eventually his family may get tired of being his babysitters and may "be busy" during his time with them. 

All of this is new to everybody. You showed alot of dignity!! I am proud of you.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks all.....I feel pretty good right now. I am a bit proud of myself too. LOL.

Today wasnt' that bad. I dont' miss them quite as much as i thought I would. So....that is a plus. I miss them...but not to the point of insanity. Dreading something is so much worse than actually facing it.

I didn't go see a movie....but...I did rent one and a good friend had me over. I was gonna take my oldest to a movie...but he was bored to death with me...so....I turned him loose. He is one happy 15 year old. 

So.....the boys are gonna be back tomorrow. And I couldn't care less what Nick does. I'm gonna find ME again.

ah....Rhea....you have it right.....Thanks for being there. You're a real true friend. I am actually able to smile tonight.


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Corpuswife said:


> You showed alot of dignity!! I am proud of you.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I have been following your posts and you definitely showed more class and dignity than I'm afraid I would have been able to. Pat yourself on the back.

It's great to hear you say, _"I'm gonna find ME again."_ I hope you enjoy the journey. :smthumbup:


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

OmG....I think I just crept up on the acceptance stage......I hope so....it's a RELIEF.

Prayer...thanks and love to you all.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Good Morning Friend!

I'm glad you hung out w/someone and watched a movie. I'm glad the boys being gone wasn't as torturous as you thought it'd be. I'm also glad you'll get them back today 

Acceptance sometimes it's just what you gotta do...

I'm workin today but I'll give you a shout in a bit 

Rhea


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am back. It was harder to pick them up than to drop them off. Why? They went completely out of their way to make the boys think time with them is gonna be all fun and games. Sure it is. They don't have to make them do homework or clean their room or do any of the d*** hard stuff.

So i got to hear about the cake and ice cream and the lake and the presents which they cant bring home...tehy have to stay there. He kept them at his mom's house. which is fine by me...they spent the night there. Yep...games and candy and swimming and fun fun fun. 

Elijah even told me that he said that...."we are going to have fun". So....that kinda makes me sick. He would't play a board game with them here.....not for a million dollars. So I guess if that is what it took....leaving me to make him want to be with his two precious boys...then it is worth the pain he has caused me.

I'm crying in the next room.....keeping it to myself. Not that I think he will keep this up.....but it does make me wonder. So...I have to be the one who does the hard stuff and he gets three days every two weeks to play. And I offered him two weekends in a row...to get on a better schedule....and he said no.....the weekend that I want..he will just give me.....dk. 

he kept saying..."Im easy to get a long with...." D#*@ liar. 

He kept saying..."things are tight...I don't have any money. I had to have my truck worked on"

I told him that I didn't care about his financial troubles. 

So...it isn't as easy to be on his own...to heck with him......he had it all. A loving wife....waited on him....doted on him....practically bent over backwards for him. But he is so happy living with nothing and being able to do what ever he wants.

So....freaking sad. But...I'm still working towards acceptance. This is just a dent. Today was another hard one...but I don't really care if he has someone else.....and I hope he does make the kids happy when they are there....really I do. I just hate him for making it this way. That is all.....when it should have been this way when he was at home.

the real test now.....football. Kids are all playing...every weekend there is either practice or games.....lets see if he does that .....he never did before. Got lots of people in this town who already thought I was a single mother because he was never at any of their school or sports stuff. 

I'm sick....really sick.
So....I repelled him so much that he couldn't be a good father. Am I suposed to buy that? 

Maybe that is the problem....maybe I do. I never had a lot of self esteem before....so it's not a hard leap.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

And I'm 100% certain my husband's ex- wishes just as you do -- that he had been this kind of dad when they were together. He's a great father now. He grew up a lot. 

I'm really sorry that you didn't get the best in your ex-. I can only imagine how painful it must be for you.

I don't know what went on between you and your ex-. It is possible that the problems with the two of you made it impossible for him to be a good father. Sometimes we moms choose our kids over their fathers and it pushes them farther and farther away. When they might have grown into the position of father, our behavior prevented or at least stunted that growth. I'm guilty there to some extent.

In a way, I'm lucky because my ex- hasn't changed much since the divorce. One day/week and he's done which was very much like it was when we were married. OTOH, being "lucky" means that my children are not so lucky.

Contrast this to my husband whose wife left him for any number of reasons. He's turned into the model husband and father. I couldn't have gotten a better husband if I had custom ordered him. We love having his kids with us and we are involved in hobbies together -- not just game playing and such. But we're of an academic bent, anyway. If we could have them full-time, we would without a second thought.

I can imagine his ex- is in the same situation you are in. You want to be happy for the kids and yet you can't help but wish things had been different for you. OTOH, in this case, she also drove a wedge between the kids and him and he responded by becoming unhappy and distant. Eventually she left because he was unhappy. He always hoped that when the kids grew up, things would be different between them, too. That's irony.

I don't know if what I'm saying helps or hurts you. I hope it doesn't hurt. I'm just sharing my experience. This whole situation is a double-edged sword.

Best I can hope is that she finds someone to be a good husband to her now, and someone who will enrich the children's lives... if she's interested in finding someone, that is.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

You are right about one thing. If you havent read my previous posts then you don't know what this man has done.

I feel like it's me...but I know it isn't. I did everything for him....loved him...put him and th kids first. He played. That is what he did. All that he is doing now is just more games. He raised my oldest son....and has completely deserted him.....just because they don't share the same blood. But at one time he wanted to adopt him....funny huh.

I don't think that any one is to blame but my husband. He made these choices....he chose to not go to games and go to parties and not to play with them....he just wanted to do the things that made him happy. The kids got on his nerves.....that is what he is like.

Like I said...this is my feeling....I know the truth. 

I found out since the boys got home that things weren't as fun as they had said. He did threaten them at church and made them go and sing. I didn't tell them that I thought that was wrong. I don't mind if he disciplines them...but he is the kind of person who thinks that if he wants it ....he should get it. and if he wants themto sing...by golly, they'll sing.

So.....My husband left me for another woman....and for video games and to be a drunk. That is what happened. He is playing a very dangerous game......so it isnt'the same.

I'm not angry with you...but I just wanted to clarify that so that you would know....I loved this man more than he ever deserved....and still do.....and I hope he changes for the kids...But, this one partial weekend doesn't change what he is or the worry I have. 

I want him to be a good daddy....and I'm afraid that he is jsut doing this to show me up...and when the new wears off..the kids will be the ones hurt AGAIN.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

No problem on the clarification. And I'm glad that you are straight in your own head about where things went wrong and that you are at peace with your choices.

Someday he might grow up and look back with a lot of regret. But people who hide themselves in games are often not the introspective sort. 

I wonder if you could get your lawyer to require him to go to parenting classes... or maybe both of you go (so he doesn't feel singled out.) Some states and some judges require this sort of thing at divorce time and I don't think it'd be out of left field based on your description of him.


----------



## Guest (Aug 11, 2009)

Hey Denise, Sorry for not responding sooner, been out of town. It's scarey reading through some of these threads because it brings back memories of the cycle we go through when in these situations. I think everyone has to progress thru this cycle, grief stages, as you are now dealing with. I can remember so much of that emotional roller coaster and truly feel for you. Please remember that life will get better for you, it really will.

I know you don't have much money but if I could offer any advise, it is to get out and do something in a more social setting. Probably not much faith in men, heck I wouldn't date either if I were you, but there isn't anything wrong with a social setting to give you some confidence back. You sound like your an amazing person with a very caring heart. Don't let the actions of your spouse impact that. 

I do believe both individuals have an impact in the success and failure of a relationship. I know I am faulty in my failed marriage but I also know my wife's adultery was not deserved on my part. There were probably things in your situation that both of you could have done better but from your point of view that you have shared with us, he has some very serious misgivings. I do think its best that you do not dweel on it beyond noting it for the courts to see. You do need to do some work in preparing your case for your situation but don't let it consume your every thought as it sounds like it is now. I know easier said than done. But for your own health and well being, you need to put yourself in a more positive frame of mind. This whole mess your dealing with will challenge you every second of every day but it will get better. It just takes time to get through the stages your going thru. That is why I have said before to get out of that house and do something for yourself. Seeing a movie with your friend is a great step in that direction.

Also, I lost a lot of weight too when I went thru my own seperation/divorce (which is still going on). Went from 215 to 188 in two months. I am back to 195ish and work out now which really helps me feel better about myself physically and mentally. Your health seems to be reflective of your mindset right now so focus on getting that part of your life move forward again and not stuck in neutral. 

I also had a father like your spouse. Trust me, we do remember what a$$e$ they are and what they put our mothers thru. It may take for them to get into adulthood to really realize it but they will.

Just get out and do something for yourself. Socialize, make friends, let someone buy you a drink there isn't anything wrong with a tiny bit of attention for your self esteem. It doesn't have to be more than a drink and some verbal communication. (and don't bring up what your going thru, just enjoy some light hearted conversation.)

There are better days ahead.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hey...dobo. Thanks...I hope he does counseling. I know we have to take a two hour class, and he has..but he won't do anything with me. I love that kind of stuff....learning new ways to cope and ways to help my kids and me. He is in denial....so I won't get my hopes up.

Oh wow. Jason...thanks. Ya know...adultry is the hardest thing to recover from...aside from abuse....actually they were about the same for me. If i told my entire story it would take a week and you guys would be truely horrified...but it's ok...I'm going to survive this.

I hope to get out. Maybe soon. It's hard in a small town..and most of my friends are married....and you are so right. I do not trust men right now. Not at all. But Maybe I will again one day...i'm not completely hopeless.

Word is starting to get around and I am not sure I'm ready for this. Almost everyone knows that Nick and I are divorcing. So....it's hard. That is all anyone wants to talk about....Hey are you alright? I'm tired of rehashing my horrible nightmare....

I need to get some exercise....but now the boys are in football and I get off work...pick them up...change...head to the ball field and hang out for two and a half hours...then home...baths homework dinner and bed....some housework in there somewhere...and I am zonked. I swear i wish I could clone myself. 

And gosh...eating is misery. I take a few bites and my stomach rejects it. I can eat three or four bites and I have to stop. it helps to talk about it though...thank you guys so much for coming on here and posting...It means so much to me.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise, 

I admire your strenth! Perhaps when the boys are at football, you can take a walk or listen to your mp3. You are a busy woman, but carve out some time for yourself...something.

I know about the married friends. I've had to start reaching out to people and inviting them places, etc. It hasn't been easy and many times they have their routine with others established. Keep trying. A night out without is refreshing. I did it last Friday night.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

hope to do that soon. Maybe this weekend..but if not...next for sure...the boys will be at their dad's and I hope to have some fun....ok...what is fun now? 

Any suggestions.?


----------



## Guest (Aug 12, 2009)

I spent nearly seven months completely alone and didn't leave the house. When I finally found out the truth I made a point of completely changing my lifestyle. I took a cooking class at our local culinary school (small town too) which was a lot of fun. Also joined the library and gym too. I made a point of going out to eat and socializing with people. Met some nice couples/individuals that way. It was about 8 months after the seperation/divorce before I finally started to date again.


----------



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

hmmmm. Took me four years after my first divorce. Don't think I'll wait that long this time....but I jsut want to make friends....get out...not get too involved. I need to find me....again.


----------

