# Setting Boundaries



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

So, I keep hearing about setting boundaries and benchmarks for my husband. I sort of understand what that means, but how do you determine what they are? I know for sure that the first thing that has to happen is that my husband has to actually _see_ the problems. And the biggest thing is that he has to go to AA, or somewhere, and get serious about the drinking. Just saying he is not going to drink any more is not going to do it for me.

But, the other problems are more vague. The immaturity, the selfishness, the passive aggressiveness, the thing I don't even know how to explain but it makes him unapproachable - nobody in the family feels comfortable trying to start any kind of meaningful conversation with him. How do I break these things down into smaller things that he can see? Things that he may actually be able to work on - if he ever chooses to. 

I don't know, sometimes I just feel so much like this is a lost cause. He is so, incredibly wrapped up in himself, he cannot see anything else. I called him yesterday to tell him that I have to have a biopsy on my right breast. At first I wasn't even going to tell him, but then I felt I should. When I told him - I swear he muttered, "Good timing." I assume he meant that it was unfair for something like this to come up while we are separated. I said, "What?" He said, "Nothing." A couple of weeks ago my uncle died and he made that all about him as well.

Yes, my life is seriously falling apart. You ever meet those people who seem to have a black cloud following them around? Those people who, every time you see them, seem to have some new crisis going on? I have become one of those people! I absolutely hate it! Seems every day there is something new that goes wrong for me.

*sigh* Anyway, back to the original question... How do I break down benchmarks and boundaries so that my husband can have smaller goals? Right now I think he has no clue what I even want from him. I think it is all too overwhelming for him. I have told him that I need time and space, but I am not sure he understands what he is supposed to be doing with that time and space. I have told him that he needs to work on his problems and I need to work on mine and then we can work on us. But, other than the drinking, I am not sure he can see the other things I want. Of course, he still refuses to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem, but at least that is something I can point out and he knows what it is that bothers me. But, how can he just mature? How can he see the things that he does that are selfish? Seeing your own flaws is hard.

Thanks to anyone that can give me any help here.

Sandy


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

If he begins to do the work of not drinking, the other realizations will likely follow. That is, if he works the program.


----------

