# So many problems, where to start



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Here is the short version. It covers many forums and topics.

My wife went to see a college friend a few months ago. He pursued her and they had sex. She did not tell me I figured it out recently and when I asked her she lied about it. The next day I told her I know she lied.

We talked and talked and talked. I don't think we have talked this much in over a year. Looking back over the last few years I emotionally abounded her emotionally. Thinking about it I cannot argue. 

I understand why she gave in to him, and I don't completely blame her.

Last night I brought up our sex life. *history*It has been kind of boring and routine for quite some time. I had asked her years ago about using toys and thought she was going to rip me a new one at that time. I thought about it but never pursued it again. Other things I suggested were met with similar reactions. I would spend time online reading of different ways to pleasure her, but most were very similar.*last night talk* Granted we didn't talk much because we had a couple rough days with the affair coming out. I asked if she thought it was boring and she agreed. I mentioned using toys and she didn't remember the prior incidents. I would love to do more with her but that may be a while coming.

One other thing is she keeps emailing this guy. He is in a war zone and most of it is about him being safe. Some is how sex scenarios (so she tells me).

She tells me she wants to try to work it out but still emails him. 

I am so confused and don't know what to do. I know I have screwed up bad, but still love her. I'm not sure she feels the same even though se says she wants to work on our marriage.

I know she is affraid this is a temporary change on my part. What can I do to earn her trust, and to start trusting her again (I know, I know, stop the communication with him). 
I'm about ready to rip the internet connection out of the wall, but I need it for my job.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Man, you are right where I was when I found out about my wife's affair. I put some of the blame on myself and gave up things I loved doing to 'change myself' and fix the marriage.

What a crock that was.

It is not your fault that your wife slept with another man. There is no exuse on Earth that justifies what she did.

You are going through a lot of pain right now, even though it doesn't come out that way in your post. It will take a long time to heal - do not fool yourself into thinking "I'll just forgive and we'll move on." It won't happen that way.

Your wife cannot contact this other guy at all, ever again. Except for one single No Contact letter. Then all contact between them must CEASE forever. It does not matter what their prior background is - if your marriage is to be saved, that connection must be severed permanently.

I guarantee that your wife is lying to you about portions of the relationship with the other guy. Ask her questions and make sure she tells you everything you want to know.

The two of you must seek out marriage counseling.

There is so much to do - the journey is just beginning.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks, I am hurting and I agree there is no excuse for what she did. I want to try to work things out, but she is resisting. I talk about going to counseling and she brings up that when she has seen counselors before she just ends up crying (she has been to therapists).

Well last night/today was a real winner.

She left her email open. Normally I would have just closed it and not thought about it, but with recent events I took a quick glance at the subjects The first two were pictures with her in a wet white shirt. The third was what she wanted to do with him. 

She has me running in circles. I ask her questions and she sounds like she is being honest, but then things like those emails show up. I don't think she really wants to reconcile. I think she is just being nice to me until he gets back.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

How do I go about making sure she never contacts him? So far she tells me one thing then a couple days later seems like she does the exact opposite. I know he is married and has done this to his wife before. If she is done and does not want to try to reconcile, I will be upset but I would rather she just tell me now. I asked her why she lied to be about sleeping with him and she said she didn't want to hurt me. The way she is still communicating with this guy does not seem like she really cares whether she does or not.

after last night I wanted to rip the cable out of the wall.

I FEEL LIKE I AM IN HELL!!!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

It is not much to do but to pick out a few apartment ads and circle them and hand that to her along with her bags.

To deal with the woman lying to you and seeing another man, this is really a very tame step for you.

And be sure, even if you are crying inside, to always present to her the calm, aloof, and controlled man dealing with her as if she is just holding you back, and you will be just fine if not better without her. Even if this seems so completely backwards now, know that in the short run this will burn in her the desire very strongly for you, and then when the dust settles it is you, my friend, that will be deciding yes or no whether she is coming back to you.

Any other way, such as begging or crying or negotiating will NOT work and will only push her more into the arms of her affair man and the image she has in her mind of him.

I wish you well.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I think there are 1 of 2 possible things happening here....and I hate to be blunt but this is my perspective as a women. She is either haning on to the marriage with you with the hope that the guy she cheated with will leave his wife and they can be together but still having you there just in case he doesnt OR she is extremely confused about what she wants and found an easy way out. 
Either way you dont deserve to be treated like that!
In my opinion if she thinks that she can cheat on you and still have you running after her to make the marriage work, she is just going to keep on doing it. You are making it way too easy for her not to. 
She needs to miss you, to feel that you arent there whenever she feels like it, to feel that she may just lose you if she keeps going on like that. 
You cant control her and who she speaks to, so trying to stop her from talking to him isnt going to fix anything. As a female it is very easy to go out and find a man to give you a bit of attention. There is a bigger issue here....if she wants to be with you she will stop speaking to him because she wants to not because you tell her to. 
I really dont mean to upset you more - but you need to be your top priority at the moment. You only have 1 shot at life and you dont want to spend it running after your wife if she is cheating on you and not treating you right.
Im sorry you are going through such a terrible things - I cant imaginr how much you are hurting. Look after yourself


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

thanks BBW. I have actually thought of that. Unfortunately things are a little more complicated than that. I didn't mention in my op that we have 3 kids and she stays home with the youngest. So if I did that there would be other fallout.

Sienna, I think it is kind of both. I think it is a combination of both. 

I have taken a couple days off work so we can talk and figure out where we want to go. We had a great time talking and we both enjoyed it. We sent the little one to the neighbors so we could be alone for a while. We talked about what she needed that I was not providing, I told her what I needed and she was not providing. We talked about sex and more.

We had some time apart due to kid things, and here is where my brain kicks in. Just so you understand I am the kind of person who thrives on data, and I have a very analytical mind. Well...here is what I came up with. Whenever we talk we have what seem like good conversations. Then when she gets a chance she is off to email or what ever (I'm guessing here but sometimes she tells me what he said about something he received in the mail or one of his guys). 

I told her I had 3 things I needed her to do
1) Most important - CUT HIM OFF
2) lets go to counseling 
3) let me read the emails between the two of you 

She has yet to do any of these and says she will think about it.

We kind of had it out while sitting on the stairs this evening. I told her We have these great conversations and but at the same time she will not give in to these. (honestly I don't care about the emails, just wanted to see if she would give me access). I told her he has to go, there is no way we are going to make it through this if she is still in contact with him. I also told her we need to go to counseling, she is hesitant because she has seen therapists before and those have not gone well. I tried to tell her these are not psychiatrists, they are people in the church (not ours) that help us communicate. her answer - I'll think about it. Earlier in the day when we were talking I told her something I was working really hard on to improve our relationship. She said actions speak louder than words, how ironic:scratchhead: I reminded her that she had said that earlier.

While we were on the stairs she told me she does not think he really wants her (no eye contact)

I know I ramble so thanks for being with me. like I said I am very analytical, however I am not a very good speaker.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Sven,
I know she is lying, or at least have a strong suspicion, I just don't know how to prove it. Would you happen to have any suggestions for questions? I know I will need to tweak them for my situation. 

thanks.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

losinglove said:


> thanks BBW. I have actually thought of that. Unfortunately things are a little more complicated than that. I didn't mention in my op that we have 3 kids and she stays home with the youngest. So if I did that there would be other fallout.
> 
> Sienna, I think it is kind of both. I think it is a combination of both.
> 
> ...


I hear you about the kids, yes it makes things harder, but in some ways it makes what you must do even more important and similar.

Still she is to either be leaving with her bags and without the kids, only now it is after you have done the important next step of getting yourself a good lawyer.

In no way will her behavior be changing while you, excuse me for being blunt, are still simply asking and begging her to do this or that. That works 0 percent of the time.

Again it is you to act like you and the kids are the only things in the world, and she, while she is behaving reckless and acting only on her sexual attraction to this other man, is to be practically ignored except only in communications very aloof and very cool headed regarding what is going to happen to her to lose you and the kids and everything else.

When she sees you taking control of the situation and leaving her behind, it is the only wake up call she will hear.

I wish you well.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

thx, sometimes I just need a 2x4 up side the head.


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