# Sexless Marriage - Numb to it all?



## Sakura578 (Jul 6, 2016)

The past two (almost three) years of my life have been extremely stressful. Both my mother and MIL passed away, and I gained custody of my teen SIL.

My husband hasn't reacted well to grief, and although I noticed a dip in his libido as he got into his late 20's (even had him tested a few years ago, his testosterone is low, but not low enough to medicate him), ever since his mother passed we are practically in a sexless marriage. He hasn't even hit 30 yet.

He has a hard job, and he does work long hours. I work as well, so he doesn't bear the entire burden of the finances on his own.

So here's my question - ever since my husband has relied more on pornography and wanted to be less physically intimate, I find myself numb. It's as if I've cut off my emotions in order to survive. The last time he initiated sex a few weeks ago (which was a huge surprise), I absolutely wasn't interested (I was also sick, so I did have a valid excuse). Masturbation isn't even a thing I do anymore...I'm in my mid 20's and I feel like I have lost all of my sex drive.

Anyone else experience this? I just feel completely shut down. I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sakura578 said:


> So here's my question - ever since my husband has relied more on pornography and wanted to be less physically intimate, I find myself numb. It's as if I've cut off my emotions in order to survive. *The last time he initiated sex a few weeks ago (which was a huge surprise), I absolutely wasn't interested* (I was also sick, so I did have a valid excuse).


Think of pornography as an "escape" mechanism. He is grieving with the loss of his mom and life seems to be rather challenging for him if you have really had to adopt a teen SIL. So pornography is NOT something he does to punish you, but rather something he does to escape from himself inside his own mind. Regardless of pain, anger, depression, insomnia, or anxiety, porn can usually do a fairly good job at distracting the mind from that as the primal male instincts attempt to reward us for somehow stumbling into an unending swarming hive of sexually receptive females.

Now you can beat yourself up for your husband choosing porn as his escape mechanism, but it is unrealistic to think that if your husband needed to escape from his own life that he would go running to his family. At least he did not go running to the arms of other women in real life.

...so a few weeks ago your husband tried to break out of his spiral and come to you to reconnect. While obviously that connection will need to heal, it is important that he actually found the courage to make that first step and instead of running away he tried to walk back into your arms.

Now for a man, particularly one that is used to visiting an unending swarm of sexually receptive virtual females, he will not exactly be in touch with the reality of what it takes to feel accepted again by his own wife. So that will take time and cause him an extraordinary amount of frustration as he faces the personal growth needed to be the man you need him to be for you. 

Where does this personal growth come from? It will hopefully come from within him out of a desire to be a good husband for you again.

Can you help that along? When you see him making steps to try and be closer to you, don't just arbitrarily reject him. Hold each other and tell him it is going to take some time and work to feel closer to each other, but if that is something he is willing to do that the two of you can work on it together as a team. Instead of sex, perhaps take some time to rub each other's backs. If he needs a sexual touch, just hold his penis gently with your hand while you hug him. Tell him you are there but ask him to try and cool down and wait for you so that you can be in the moment with him.

If you are OK with it, ask him if he thinks of you when he masturbates and you might be surprised to find out that he always thinks of you nonstop.

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Yes, exactly. When your spouse stops desiring you, some of us shut down our emotions to protect our feelings from being hurt. Then when your spouse does show some interest, you are numb and have no interest is responding to their advances. Very common reaction. But only a short term bandage for a long term problem.

If your H is turning to porn instead of to you, that is a bad habit and must be addressed. It is lazy and comes from a place of fear and selfishness. Nip that attitude in the bud.

Do not just sit back and wait for the feelings to reignite. You can waste your entire life waiting for things to change. Ask me how I know!


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