# Wife completely disengaged, advice needed



## superplant12 (Jul 11, 2012)

Bit of background, have been married just over 3 years. Lots of physical affection and sex until we tried for a baby last year. During the pregancy, we completely stopped having sex, though wife still affectionate the whole way through. When our daughter was born, the relationship really started to go downhill. Progressively she has become more and more withdrawn from our relationship, now 7 months since our daughter was born, she spends all our time together playing online puzzle games. We do not have sex at all, and sometimes its hard to even get two words out of her.

Her reasons are that she is too fat and doesnt want to be touched (since giving birth she has gained a load of weight) and is not interested in sex at all. She is using a vibrator regularly when Im out at work etc, when I challenged she said she hasnt used it in over two years, but I have confimed myself she is definately using it. I have asked again a second time and she continues to maintain that she doesnt use the vibrator and its just there from a long time ago.

Im seriously losing patience. I read Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 a couple of weeks ago, I realise now I have been way too beta and not at all alpha. She has responded slightly, smiling more and a bit more chatty, but no significant changes and has been very suspicious of my activities - why am I working out etc.

Last night I told her she needed to shave her legs, they are really bad currently. I got straight back "WHY! Whats the point?". I didn't reply, and she said again "WHY!!!". Is this a test like Athol refers to in the book? I have always said Im not too bothered if she puts on a bit of weight, in the past she has specifically asked why I wont call her fat. Obviously I dont want to be nasty to her so I do the usual "you like fine, you're not fat" thing. Shoud I just go full on straight back and tell her "your fat, your not taking care of appearance" and see what happens? Im not sure if theres much to lose at this point... My end game is to get things back on track, divorce is something I want to avoid for our daughters sake.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It sounds like she may be depressed. Has she seen her Dr lately? Could be post partum depression

Also, is she on any type of birth control? Some are known as real libido killers.

Also, why don't you ask her to join you at the gym if she's upset about her weight? The two of you could plan health meals together and work out. If getting a babysitter is a problem, take long walks with the baby in the evening and on the weekends


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

superplant12 said:


> Bit of background, have been married just over 3 years. Lots of physical affection and sex until we tried for a baby last year. During the pregancy, we completely stopped having sex, though wife still affectionate the whole way through. When our daughter was born, the relationship really started to go downhill. Progressively she has become more and more withdrawn from our relationship, now 7 months since our daughter was born, she spends all our time together playing online puzzle games. We do not have sex at all, and sometimes its hard to even get two words out of her.
> 
> Her reasons are that she is too fat and doesnt want to be touched (since giving birth she has gained a load of weight) and is not interested in sex at all. She is using a vibrator regularly when Im out at work etc, when I challenged she said she hasnt used it in over two years, but I have confimed myself she is definately using it. I have asked again a second time and she continues to maintain that she doesnt use the vibrator and its just there from a long time ago.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she is depressed, withdrawn and believes that she is fat and ugly. That being said, it doesn't help her to lie to her either by telling her she isn't, but there is a "diplomatic" way of saying the truth. "Yes, you could stand to lose a few pounds, how about joining me at the gym, or take a walk with me, since I too could shed a few pounds". In that response, you have acknowledged her feelings and offered a solution.

As to the legs, well, it is summer and she should shave them. Tell her you think she has nice legs and should show them off.

Sometimes you have to risk a "reality check" in order to snap her out of her depression. You married her. You love her. She gained some weight. It doesn't bother you, but it does bother her. Then she should be encouraged to do something about it. Exercise. Eat sensibly. Pay attention to her personal hygiene (shaving the legs, etc.) She should do this to make HERSELF feel better (and you reap the bonus).

As for YOUR activities (working out, etc) obviously you are concerned about your own health and body image, while at the same time, you telling her that she isn't "fat" (when she believes she is) is really telling her that she is fine and need not join you in these activities. Change the message. You are concerned about your own weight, she can stand to lose a few pounds, can "we do this together" should be the message in there.

Good Luck!


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## superplant12 (Jul 11, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, good catch on the depression, she has previously been on anti-depressants before we met. Its never been discussed in detail and only really came out because of our life insurance policy declaration. 

I'll try and encourage her a bit more with the excercise and see if that helps.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

:iagree:
Lack of sex leads to disconnect... and disconnect leads to not wanting sex. I agree she might have some body image issues, I'll add maybe letting her know that she's still a sexy momma, to you. (if you feel that way). Remind her she is still a wife.

How do you bring back the wife and not just the mommy?

Schedule adult time. Regular dates. Do some fun stuff together. It might take more than just one date. You have to re-connect again. Date her. this isn't just about wooing her again either.. .it should be a long term plan forever. As parents, you need to spend some quality time together without the kids. Make sure there is an opportunity to do that. No excuses. Make it happen.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Do NOT call her fat. It's a set up. She's looking for outside validation (from you) that she is not attractive and that she doesnt have to have sex with you. Sorry you're on this train. Dont have another child with her. I did and everything just got way worse.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Op, I totally identify with your situation. Has it gotten to the point where you just don't bother even trying to initiate anything with her, as you know you'll get rejected, time and time again? She does sound like she's stuck in a rut, do you compliment her and let her have spare time away. Its a tough cycle you appear to be in, but I do identify and sympathise entirely, as no matter how many times you re-assure her and tell her how hot she is, its never enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Ahw. She seems to be in postpartum. It can damage you mentally and drive you int osuicde. Very dangerous. If she is closing off then she needs to seek therapy or something to help her cope. As far as the weight, SO WHAT! she had a child, she doesnt feel attractive, dont lie to her telling her she looks fine when she obviously knows you dont think that and knows it for herself. Women are very insecure after giving birth and moths following, it is your job to make her feel sexy and desirable as well as herself. If you arent giving shes going to quit giving. (just my take).
I dont believe any woman should substitue their partner for a vibrator, toy, dildo or whatever have you. It makes you feel replaced and unwanted. Plus it cant do what a real man does Just let her know that you are there to encourage her and help her. Do your part and if she keeps rejecting then she needs help.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have heard that the mothering instinct can over ride the mating instinct after a birth.
She may believe that having sex is not proper for a mother now, which is extreme. Often its some of the nasty things that stop after a birth, but she has cut it off completely.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. So until she takes the steps to gets some IC for her postputum you are up against the wall.

So do what you can to get her in!

Have you quitely looked at here computer games? There may be an emotional connection forming with another player?


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