# Marriage Counseling-what to expect and how to make it work



## committedman (Jul 12, 2009)

My wife are about to embark on a 5 appointment journey to marriage counseling. It appears that we both want to come out of it with a renewed outlook on our future together. She wants the 'June Cleaver' life, time with the kids, time for herself. I want the same but I want to add the dates with her and I, intimacy, the ability to talk and not be beated with the book of memories that she has. Move ahead, together with a friendship, with romance, enjoy watching our kids grown up, have goals of retirement, vacations as a family and weekends for her and I, affection.
We've done pretty good with the kids, she does most of the running with them as my job requires a 30 minutes commute each way. On the weekends I contribure a lot, I play with them, put them to bed, mentor the. At the end of the day we retreat to books, on the weekends we rent a movie. She sits on a separate couch when I want her near, she never comes to me for affection, even simple kisses and hugs. She's always said the man needs to be the agressor. Obviously we have a lot to talk about.
The kids are 10 and 6, we are 43 and 42. financially sound, nothing but the sky.
What should I excpect, anticipate, plan, know about counseling.
We both have to let go of the past, move ahead and get closer again. It will take time and work. We have both lied to each other, both trated each other with spite. We both agree that our bond has to be strengthened, we have be a cohesive. As a guy I'm looking for intimacy, I want her to come to me more than her vibrator, I want her to plan time for us. I've done the date planning, requested plans for time for us, planned the events with the kids and helped prepare for them. I've given them to my parents for a weekend. I've helped plan things for school with them, made their lunches for daycare, played with them...all this for me but also all this with the intention of having her see me as ths great guy. She doesn't quite see it, she says shes in love and committed but she's also a realist in that if couseling doesn't help to help us with our relationship that there might need to be a means to an end.
It seems she is playing a game with me, she wants to kind of start over, do the dating game, no expectations...drop her off at the door with no kisss goodbye. Sounds fun, but after almost 20 years I feel like we should be looking for ways to please each other, through our kids, our lives, intimacy and simple togetherness.
What I've done so far:

I written her songs, wrote letters, sent flowers, put flowers in her car (in a vase so they dont die) I"ve reached out for her, touched her, started giving her back rubs, been intimate without sex, expressive kissing. Holding her in the morning in bed.
I've taken over chores around the house, givne her time to be without the kids for her. Massage certificates, made sure she goes on walks without the kids for time for her. Told her to go out on girls night out, had friends over. toook her to vegas and gave her teh time of her life, just her and I. Lots of time with the kids, teching soccer, in the pool, fishing. I've started to read more, listen to music alone. 
I thnk I'm doing too much and getting so little in return. I also think I'm thinking and expecting too much....but am I? In a relationship that works it goes both ways for each person. Maybe I'm not being the man she wants, maybe I'm not the man she wants. She says I am, she says I'm the greatest thing in the world and if she leaves me she'll be leaving behind the best thing she ever had a chance to love. I feel like I"m sriving her crazy. She says I'm always expecting a response, manipulating....all these are words comgin from her friends. I"m playing the dating game.
I just want to LIVE, BE LOVED and LOVE....my family, my spous and myself
Things were good early on in our marriage when I went out with the guys, went golfing and blew her off to a degree that I should not have. NOw she regrets those days when she should have held me accountable for some of my actions.
A few years back she was diagnosed and trated with breast cancer. THat's about the time I stopped patying attention to me and focused on my family and her. about a year after her cancer her regret started to really show. SHe started to reach out to her friends and got bad advice in my opinon, then she started treating me and her family in ways that she did not in the past, and not in the June CLeaver sort of sense either!!
I want to let bygones be bygones and move forward, she says she does too.....as many we are one maybe? I do have to be my own person, been working on that. I'm hoping to have some more input from this board, and I will try to post back as things move forward.
We have a very good counselor, a very logical unopinionated guy. He told us that we need to work on our way of meshing and how we mesh, we ned to not beat up on each other for the past and work towards a common goal/s. He said in 5 visits we should have a good idea of where we are headed.
About a year aog I walked in to a conversation between her and her sister, they were talking about divrocing me, I heard every word and she had no idea. I called her on it right away, I was pretty pissed. That night she begged me not to leave HER!! She got very drunk. She needs some help, no doubt I need some too.
We have bioth agreed that we have a lot to lose and 20 years into this life together. She has said that she wants it to work, but she needs to let go of the past. SHe says she does'nt know what the future has for us, one day at a time. THen MR lsh here says, 'well I'm not going anywhere' instead I should have said 'i dont know either'. I feel used, strung along and lead on.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds like your wife went through a life changing event with the breast cancer. I think she got the "Life is short, and I need to find myself and not mess with anything that isn't 100%". 

Sorry, but it sounds as if she has one foot out the door. She sounds to me as if she has already made her decision and is just too scared to "pull the plug". 

This is why no matter what you do, it won't be enough. She has already chosen her path. 

Sorry you are going through this. Twenty years is a long time, but as you will see on this board, you are not alone.


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