# Am I blind, ignorant, or over-reacting??



## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

First of all everyone who hasn't read our previous threads, I cheated on my wife and left.... I came back 2 months ago and we are trying to reconcile....

Yesterday she said she thinks that we should have an open marriage... I told her absolutely not... I would rather have a bullet in my head instead, and that would happen before an open marriage would... we argued about that for a while then went to bed... I thought I made her realize that I didn't want that... I thought maybe she was suggesting it because it was what she wanted... she reassured me that she only wanted it cause then if I did something with someone she would already know about it... and it wouldn't hurt her as bad... I told her that I wasn't up for that.... and that I wasn't going to do that no matter what she said.... All I want is her and for her and the kids to be happy, and I don't need or want anyone else.

She took her meds and we went to bed. She fell asleep about an hour before I did... then she woke me up about 1:30ish. She started kissing me and touching me in very seductive ways... don't get me wrong I LOVE THIS... she tells me then she wants me to make love to her... I did... at almost the end, our "breaking point" she tells me I "can't cum inside her". I asked her why... her response... "I can't get pregnant". WHAT????!!!!! I have had my vasectomy done for over 3 years... I asked her who she was thinking of... she says just me and she was thinking of back when we were first together and when things were great with us. After her reassurance this morning I was good with that. She sent me a text before work that read "I don't know what my problem is. i think i'm trying to push you away. i'm scared to love you too much. i'm scared to trust your love for me. i don't know. i won't be able to read or respond to your text at work so i'll talk to you when i get home. i do love you and i'm sorry

She had to work today from 1 to 3... she called me at 3:05, hung up before I could answer. 15 minutes later I get a text from her.... "I have to work till 4:15"

Am I over-reacting here? she says I am... I'm scared... I love her with all my heart... have I really pushed her over the edge? does she really not want me here? does she still love me? Can she ever fully love me again? I'm lost... I'm hurt... I'm confused... I want her by my side forever... I have screwed up bad I know... but I have full focus on my wife and my family... I will turn and RUN from any and all temptations that come my way... I have told her... "set me up, I'll prove it to you". I don't want to lose her, but honestly I think I already have... or already may be... I don't want that... it scares the hell out of me... I love her, I want to be with her for all eternity.... she says she knows I'm sorry, but does she? I think if she did she would not feel this way... maybe she would... I don't know.....


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sounds like she is playing games with you and needs to grow up herself. Stay strong and noble, take the high road and don't get lost in doubt. Still not choking and polluting on cigs right?


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

She is having trust issues I dont blame her you need to rebuild her trust when someone betrays you it is hard to give your heart back to them I know I am also a victim of this horrible sin do all you can to make what you did right


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## f'nidiotneedshelp (Feb 1, 2009)

I agree and that's why I am working so hard on keeping us together.... I got worried about what she said last night... in both aspects.... we talked tonite and I feel a lot better about the whole situation.... she says she doesn't even know where that comment came from... I believe that.... I love her... that's all I know... I also know I'm not going anywhere... and that I will do everything in my power that I can do to keep her happy.. and to keep her happy that I am here with her.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

The first thing to remember here is that she has been hurt extremely badly. I can tell you now that the day of discovery (or the day she found out about the affair) was not the day that the worst of the emotions come out. 

Once a spouse has been cheated on, they have feelings of self-worthlessness and inadequacy among many others. They are extremely confused. After all... this was the LAST thing the spouse expected.

You are going to see a great deal of emotional shape-shifting for quite some time. Remember, you didn't break a glass here, you broke a marriage, and it will take TIME to fix it. She will probably not be over it for a long time to come (if ever).

If you want to keep her, you will have to let her approach you on her terms. You can't push her into forgiving. You cannot speed the process along. In doing so, you are only being more destructive.

What YOU have to do is two fold... First of all, you have to be TRULY sorry for what you have done. I mean, deep in your core, you have to understand that this is the absolute worst thing you could have done to your spouse. (I told my wife to just shoot me dead before doing that to me again).

Secondly, you have to show her that you are feeling remorseful for what has happened. No, don't follow her around begging her to love you... Just be there, make yourself transparent to her so that she can see everything you might be doing and show her that you are truly sorry.

No, she isn't gonna trust you again for a long time... Maybe never again. You may begin to see "resentment" surface in her emotional repertoire. As time passes, feelings change. There will be a "How dare you" anger period. She will probably blow up at you and call you every name in the book. Don't get angry about it. She has to voice her feelings. She has to heal in her time and in her way.

In the end... Just be patient. Don't push things along. Let nature take it's course.

Good luck.

~Moog


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