# How Would You Feel About This



## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Say you dated a girl a decade ago for about a year and things didn't work out and you broke up not on good terms but not on bad terms either. He moved out of state for awhile then moved back. Now you and he are both much older, wiser, and are both married with children and both love your spouse. If she contacted you to say hi and catch up on things or just to see how you've been doing, would you be excited to know what she's been up to as well? This is assuming that both parties are happy in their life.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm not a man...but this seems like a coping with infidelity matter

My advice is to not get yourself into deep water. Don't do something that you know could escalate.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she were happy, I doubt she'd be calling an ex. I'd suspect she's not thrilled with her husband and she's seeing what else might be available for her. Guaranteed her husband has no clue that she's reaching out to her ex.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

What do you mean by 'coping with infidelity matter?'

Why would this get into deep water and what would it escalate to? 

What if the girl just wants to see the guy and see how things are going? What if the guy wanted this too just to know that she's doing well. You know, in a sincere caring way. This is one of those situations where it would have been best if they had just been good friends because it was really one of those relationships and not really a sexual one.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Okay...keep sexual part off and remember both parties are happy in their marriage.

Are you saying that it's impossible to have a sincere interest in wanting to talk to an ex just to say hi and talk and not feel like it's a cheating thing?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I guess the question would be, is your husband ok with you contacting your ex, who you haven't spoken to in a decade? Is this something that you are keeping a secret?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

My husband doesn't know and I don't want him to know yet because he'll be upset. He won't understand but maybe he will (it's just not something I'd like to bring up right now). But, on the other side, he's followed his ex's status (without me aware of it) and it didn't bother me when I found out. He didn't tell me on his own. I asked him one day out of the blue and he was hesitant to tell me but he did and I simply said, "So what. I'm glad you're able to know where she stands. I think it's pretty cool after all these years to know what she's up to," and he chilled but said he didn't want to talk anymore about her. I know he won't be happy to know that I'd like to just see how an old ex is doing. I'd like them to meet and I'd love for all of us to be friends...but yeah, that's not going to ever happen. 

I guess it doesn't bother me if he checks on his ex. I trust him and I know he trusts me. I think it's okay to secretly want to know about an ex. They didn't work out for a reason but that doesn't mean they are less human and not worthy to remember or want to know what they've been up to.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I'm married and I hadn't felt the need to contact my ex in 10 years but suddenly I'm overcome with curiousness to "see how they're doing" and "catch up", if I'm completely honest with myself, I'd really be more interested in exploring the possibility of reestablishing the relationship. People are capable of justifying all kinds of things to themselves but this reach-out attempt would look suspicious to just about anyone. That would include this guy's wife and it would include the woman's husband. Would reestablishing contact with an ex tend to strengthen either's current married relationship or would it be more likely to interject new drama and stress on both marriages? The only times I've been contacted by an ex (especially after years of no contact), each and every time, they were lonely and either in between relationships or having relationship problems. Within just a few minutes of talking to me, it was obvious they were checking to see if we could hook up again.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> My husband doesn't know and I don't want him to know yet because *he'll be upset*. He won't understand but maybe he will (it's just not something I'd like to bring up right now). But, on the other side, he's followed his ex's status (without me aware of it) and it didn't bother me when I found out. He didn't tell me on his own. I asked him one day out of the blue and he was hesitant to tell me but he did and I simply said, "So what. I'm glad you're able to know where she stands. I think it's pretty cool after all these years to know what she's up to," and he chilled but said he didn't want to talk anymore about her. I know he won't be happy to know that I'd like to just see how an old ex is doing. I'd like them to meet and I'd love for all of us to be friends...but yeah, that's not going to ever happen.
> 
> I guess it doesn't bother me if he checks on his ex. I trust him and I know he trusts me. I think it's okay to secretly want to know about an ex. *They didn't work out for a reason but that doesn't mean they are less human and not worthy to remember or want to know what they've been up to*.


Are you still attracted to your ex? Do you know if he is still attracted to you? 

Also, if you H trusts you, then why do you say that he would be upset if he knew that you were talking to your ex?

Sorry for all the questions, it's just that in order to give sound advice it's nice to have a bit more information.

I myself would not be ok with my H seeking old GFs and vice versa. The only time he ever did that was when he was looking for EA's or PA's. So I guess I'm not able to give sound advice to you except to give you my opinion.... 

In my opinion, I think that speaking to an Ex would possibly bring back old feelings and emotions, that could possibly lead to an EA. That's what I meant by putting this in the coping with infidelity section and by "do not tread into deep water". It may seem harmless to you now, but it could lead to emotional bonds, even a PA. Then you have much bigger issues obviously.

But, if you and your H are BOTH ok with these types of things, then I guess you really have nothing to worry about and you can continue to speak with your Ex.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"things didn't work out and you broke up not on good terms but not on bad terms either. He moved out of state for awhile then moved back. Now you and he are both much older, wiser" #1. Why was it be necessary to mention that you and he are now older and wiser? #2. If you've had no contact with the guy for 10 years, how would you know he's wiser? Might it be that the guy is older and wiser in a scenario you've written in your own mind? #3. If there's nothing clandestine, wrong, or shameful going on or intended, why was the OP phrased as the situation of some hypothetical, unnamed female?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I can't follow this. It's too early and I'm not that bright anyhow.

I don't know the female mind. I have no idea what goes through those messed up heads. I know men, however.

There is not a man in the world that hasn't scoped out old girlfriends on Facebook. Simple curiosity. Now, I had no interest in contacting any of them, but I guess it's theoretically possible to try and contact one to "catch-up." That probably means "I might want to hook up with her for sex some day", but I'll give most men the benefit of the doubt that they are not ID driven animals like me. One or two follow-up innocent banters may be OK as well.

After the third contact initiated by the man over two or more days, he is scheming to get into her pants. Of that I have no doubt.

Does that fit into that timeline of yours I couldn't follow?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

It is not good to play with fire....catching up with old flame....looking for any small spark of desire. Nothing good comes of this when each person is in a good relationship already. Just my opinion.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If I'm married and I hadn't felt the need to contact my ex in 10 years but suddenly I'm overcome with curiousness to "see how they're doing" and "catch up", if I'm completely honest with myself, I'd really be more interested in exploring the possibility of reestablishing the relationship. People are capable of justifying all kinds of things to themselves but this reach-out attempt would look suspicious to just about anyone. That would include this guy's wife and it would include the woman's husband. Would reestablishing contact with an ex tend to strengthen either's current married relationship or would it be more likely to interject new drama and stress on both marriages? The only times I've been contacted by an ex (especially after years of no contact), each and every time, they were lonely and either in between relationships or having relationship problems. Within just a few minutes of talking to me, it was obvious they were checking to see if we could hook up again.


Sorry, the relationship was actually 16 years ago (error on my part). Been married for 12 years and the marriage is great. Been through a lot with husband and things are strong.

But, yes, the curiosity came about suddenly and it wouldn't go away and it hasn't. It's not like I wanted this. It's the last thing on my mind so I was and am still very frustrated about it. I've tried to ignore and treat it like it's just something that will pass but it hasn't. The other ex's that have crossed my mind just cross my mind but I don't have this urge to catch up with them. Not sure why but with this one, there's a strong urge to meet him and really just see how things are going.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This:



Fallen Leaf said:


> My husband doesn't know and I don't want him to know yet because he'll be upset.


is a red flag (unless your husband is insanely controlling)

And this:



Fallen Leaf said:


> I guess it doesn't bother me if he checks on his ex. I trust him and I know he trusts me.


does not match what you said above. If you believe he trusts you, then why would you not want him to know? If there is nothing to hide, then why not tell him?

You are not making sense. 



Fallen Leaf said:


> But, yes, the curiosity came about suddenly and it wouldn't go away and it hasn't. It's not like I wanted this. It's the last thing on my mind so I was and am still very frustrated about it. I've tried to ignore and treat it like it's just something that will pass but it hasn't. The other ex's that have crossed my mind just cross my mind but I don't have this urge to catch up with them. Not sure why but with this one, there's a strong urge to meet him and really just see how things are going.


So check it: I don't believe that your intentions ae purely on a "friend" level here. There is more than meets the eye. The way you are wording things, saying you don't want hubby to know, saying how you are becoming emotionally "frustrated" over this, how it won't escape you, how you don't want it but it won't go away..."with this one there's a strong urge to meet him"

Yeah...

Listen, I'm not a rocket scientist but I am pretty good with feeling people out in their words and methinks this is bad news. You don't want to just see how he is (oh I am sure you care how he is) but my bet is there are residual feelings left over, maybe a crush, and this is why you're all emotional, frustrated, not wanting to tell your husband, and why this won't go away. 

if he was an ex that you truly just wanted to see how he was, none of that extra stuff would be there.
Feelings are feelings so I'm not saying how you feel is wrong but I am calling a spade a spade here. 

Be honest.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> Are you still attracted to your ex? Do you know if he is still attracted to you?
> 
> In a strange way. Not sexually. I think he'd be surprised in a good way to see me after all these year.
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EA is an emotional affair
PA is a physical affair


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Sorry, the relationship was actually 16 years ago (error on my part). Been married for 12 years and the marriage is great. Been through a lot with husband and things are strong.
> 
> But, yes, the curiosity came about suddenly and it wouldn't go away and it hasn't. It's not like I wanted this. It's the last thing on my mind so I was and am still very frustrated about it. I've tried to ignore and treat it like it's just something that will pass but it hasn't. The other ex's that have crossed my mind just cross my mind but I don't have this urge to catch up with them. Not sure why but with this one,* there's a strong urge to meet him and really just see how things are going.*


Why do you think there is a "strong urge"? Be honest with yourself when you answer that.

I would fight that strong urge and concentrate on your own marriage. Seriously, let it go. It was a short relationship a long time ago, and you want to be friends with the guy now? 

Whatever you 2 had ended a long time ago. IT'S OVER...LET IT REMAIN OVER.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> This:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not sure what you mean by be honest. I have always been so sure about my feelings but now this suddenly. It's pretty odd to me too and I've tried to ignore and move on but it keeps coming back. It's pissing me off. I'd love for this feeling of wanting to meet him to just go away. I don't really care to talk to any ex's but yet this feeling is really overwhelming strong for this ex.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

MrK said:


> I can't follow this. It's too early and I'm not that bright anyhow.
> 
> I don't know the female mind. I have no idea what goes through those messed up heads. I know men, however.
> 
> ...


Thanks for you insight. I kind of needed one (or more) from a guys point of view. I totally understand that a guy curious to find out about his ex might be looking for sex but are you telling me that ALL guys who are curious are just looking for sex? I don't buy that. I think there is a 1% chance that a good guy who is doing fine in his life would be interested in remembering and seeing an ex to see how she's been doing. But, I'm a girl an not everything to me is about sex.

I don't have any plans to see him more than once. If I do then that's fine but that's not what I care to do.

So, I now understand what a man thinks. I guess that's why my husband doesn't care to meet or know what's been up with his ex. Kidding...I don't know why he doesn't care and I don't care. So, knowing this, maybe my ex doesn't care to see me but I'm just speculating. I think he might but I really don't care if he wants to or not, but I do....kind of. I don't know. It's getting depressing now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm a woman and if I just wanted to innocently know how an ex was doing, but I knew it would upset my husband that I'm happily married to, why would I risk upsetting him? If it's all innocent then it's not that important right? Because I'm happily married, right? See the contradiction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> It is not good to play with fire....catching up with old flame....looking for any small spark of desire. Nothing good comes of this when each person is in a good relationship already. Just my opinion.


I know what you mean. But, this feels a little different. It's very hard to explain and I'm not even sure it could be explained. I wish there was some science that could explain this feeling of just wanting to meet someone again (even an ex) just to say hi and I'm doing well and see that they are doing well. Maybe even to thank them for how they've inspired me. I don't know. It frustrates me. Especially that everyone seems to think it's on a sexual/emotional level. 

I can assure you 100% that it's not sexual...and don't need to go into details because it might hurt other guys (on this forum's) feelings. But, just because there wasn't much there doesn't mean there wasn't much elsewhere. There was. It's not emotional either...far from it.

My problem is I just don't know if I should meet him. I'd like to and I think it might be a good thing but I don't know. I can't see anything bad from it. It could lead to a closer.

You know how when someone you love dies and you never get to see them in person again. I think it might have something to do with that. But, I can't explain it. I don't love the ex. I just have a place in my heart for him as a person. I would hope that my husband is the same way with his ex.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> EA is an emotional affair
> PA is a physical affair


Thanks. Never knew this.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Would you be comfortable going a double date with you/hubby & ex and his bride? 

If what you say is genuine and you just want to "catch up," it could be accomplished in this setting. Otherwise, you seem to be on this board looking for permission to go check out an old ex and do some "life path not taken" comparison shopping. You will not see the permission you seek from this post.

You're much better off keeping the genie in the bottle.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Why do you think there is a "strong urge"? Be honest with yourself when you answer that.
> 
> I would fight that strong urge and concentrate on your own marriage. Seriously, let it go. It was a short relationship a long time ago, and you want to be friends with the guy now?
> 
> Whatever you 2 had ended a long time ago. IT'S OVER...LET IT REMAIN OVER.


I don't know why there's a strong urge. I'm not purposely wanting this urge. It crept up on me out of the blue and it won't go away. It's not constant. It comes and goes but it's more often than ever. I never really thought about him for the last decade. He did cross my mind but usually only when something or someone reminds me of him, like when I pass through his hometown on a road trip or something.

I really don't know why I have this feeling but I guess it does have something to do with how he inspired me...or how we inspired each other. 

How does one let something go that one didn't put upon themself? Again, I don't purposely want to think about him or see him or any of that. I am totally happy where I'm at. Maybe it's that. Maybe I'm just happy where I'm at with the every day stuff and I just want some excitement. But, see that doesn't fit. There's something else...a little more spiritual I should say.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I see no real positive end coming from this...I see either you catch up and it's just 'eh' or it rekindle an old flame or set the path to that...just overall not worth it. Are you going to be best friends or continue to communicate afterwards? If no, then why even put in the effort?

And why even put yourself in that direction when you are happily married (as you say you are)?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm a woman and if I just wanted to innocently know how an ex was doing, but I knew it would upset my husband that I'm happily married to, why would I risk upsetting him? If it's all innocent then it's not that important right? Because I'm happily married, right? See the contradiction?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that I wrote it out (earlier), it's because I don't think I can tell my husband that an ex has inspired me to stay successful and be proud of my accomplishments and to stick together through good and bad. It would crush him. Husband is an inspiration to me too and far surpasses the ex. I'd never hurt him because he's perfect in every way to me. I don't think he'd understand what I'm trying to say and what I say might come out the wrong way and I'd have to explain myself just like on here. 

I don't want to start any trouble or anything. I'd like to just get this urge off my chest. Maybe if I do meet the ex and we talk, it will go away. I don't know.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Fallen Leaf said:


> My husband doesn't know and I don't want him to know yet because he'll be upset.


If this is what's happening ALREADY, then I would say that if you DO decide to see this person, you're treading on very, very thin ice...


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

MarriedTex said:


> Would you be comfortable going a double date with you/hubby & ex and his bride?
> 
> If what you say is genuine and you just want to "catch up," it could be accomplished in this setting. Otherwise, you seem to be on this board looking for permission to go check out an old ex and do some "life path not taken" comparison shopping. You will not see the permission you seek from this post.
> 
> You're much better off keeping the genie in the bottle.


I've thought of that and yes, I'd love to have a double date. I think that'd be fun but it's been so long and when the ex and I dated, it was really bran new to me. I had never met someone so inspiring and career oriented. I needed positiveness at the time and he appeared. I'm very thankful for that. Of course, there were a lot not very positive things out of it too and I'm also thankful for that because it's taught me things I would have never learned if I never came across it the way I did.

Maybe if we meet and we do still get along then I'd let him (the ex) say, we should do a double date. I don't think husband would be too happy with that but really, it's not a big deal to stay connected after/if we do meet just once or if more.

I really just want to say hi and how are you after all these years and congrats to your success, you've worked hard for it. Also, thank you, and wish you well going forward. This is what's in my mind.

I've never been good at a group and thank people and stuff. I'm shy and prefer a one-to-one to say what I really feel. I know it might come across like I'm being secretive and stuff but that's just how I am. Even with friends, I do the same thing. In a group/crowd, I like to be lighter on feelings and just joke, laugh, and talk about stuff we can all connect on. The one-to-one conversations are usually more personal and directed at just the one individual and myself. I feel like this would kind of be on a personal level.

Yeah, the genie thing. Honestly, I didn't let her out. She came out on her own and I'd really like her to go back and far away. I don't need it and don't want it but it feels as though she is granting me this one wish. Actually, she is forcing it down my throat to the point where I feel like I should take it but I don't know why.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Now that I wrote it out (earlier), it's because I don't think I can tell my husband that an ex has inspired me to stay successful and be proud of my accomplishments and to stick together through good and bad. It would crush him. Husband is an inspiration to me too and far surpasses the ex. I'd never hurt him because he's perfect in every way to me. I don't think he'd understand what I'm trying to say and what I say might come out the wrong way and I'd have to explain myself just like on here.
> 
> I don't want to start any trouble or anything. I'd like to just get this urge off my chest. Maybe if I do meet the ex and we talk, it will go away. I don't know.




Well then maybe the reaction on this board will give you an idea of how this might be received? If you feel like you have to keep explaining yourself here, and we have nothing invested in your life, and you've said this will upset your hb, how will you explain this to him? Nobody on the board knows you or your life but they are also outside of any fog or rationalizing that might be going on. Just think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> I see no real positive end coming from this...I see either you catch up and it's just 'eh' or it rekindle an old flame or set the path to that...just overall not worth it. Are you going to be best friends or continue to communicate afterwards? If no, then why even put in the effort?
> 
> And why even put yourself in that direction when you are happily married (as you say you are)?


Honestly, I don't know why I have these feelings of wanting to meet the ex. It just crept up on me. I tried to find reason as to why he suddenly came into my mind. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I need change, maybe I'm really not happy in my marriage, etc. I've thought about it a lot but it's none of that. I'm very happy where I'm at.

You know, it could be that lately I've been wanting to return to work doing what I want to do and remembered that the ex inspired me to just go for it and not only said it but he followed it himself. So now that I'm planning on returning to work (I'm a SAHM but work part-time from home dong a hobby/craft business), he popped in my head because maybe I need some inspiration and remember he was the one that inspired me career-wise. I think it has something to do with that. Maybe I want to meet him because that might inspire me to keep going and I am looking for some motivation in this area. I don't have to work but now that my kids are getting older and the youngest will be in school full time I can work if I want to and I want to because I'm just not the type to be home bored or watch tv and stuff. 

I wonder...I need more help with breaking all this apart so that I can see things clearer.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

We just watched the brother in law's new GF go on a three day trip far away from him to watch her son at a school event. A 10 hour drive away. While that was OK, then we found out her ex was going to be there. There are still feelings there, as they hvae only been divorced for 2 years after 20 year marriage. We thought HUGE red flag, and between us are pretty POed about it. The BIL hasn't said anything about it since she got back. But my W knows her brother well, and knows he wouldn't normally be OK with it. 

Different strokes... but unless there are children involved, there's generally NO good reason to meet up with an ex. Some people can, but my opinion is if you want to make sure your marriage is as affair-proof as possible, don't even LOOK at the door, let alone open it.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Give it to God, FL, and let it go. no good can come from it. Send good thoughts through your spiritual side and let it go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Not sure what you mean by be honest. *I have always been so sure about my feelings but now this suddenly.* It's pretty odd to me too and* I've tried to ignore and move on but it keeps coming back. * It's pissing me off. I'd love for this feeling of wanting to meet him to just go away.* I don't really care to talk to any ex's but yet this feeling is really overwhelming strong for this ex*.





Fallen Leaf said:


> . * But, this feels a little different. It's very hard to explain and I'm not even sure it could be explained. *
> 
> My problem is I just don't know if I should meet him. I'd like to and I think it might be a good thing but I don't know. I can't see anything bad from it. *It could lead to a closer.*


A closer of what? Closure? What do you need closure from?



Fallen Leaf said:


> . You know how when someone you love dies and you never get to see them in person again. I think it might have something to do with that. But, I can't explain it. I don't love the ex. I just have a place in my heart for him as a person.


I've had exes and the only ones who really have a "place in my heart" are the ones I had some serious feelings for. Some exes, while yes, they were great, bring no "places in my heart" feelings for me. 

You mentioned a double date... but then you'd have to explain why a double date is even happening--the fact that you met up with said ex and you said your husband wouldn't be happy with it.

I'm not discounting your feelings at all. It's just that reading this has me thinking there is more to what you are telling/feeling. I could be wrong but as someone who hid the reasons for wanting to meet up with a guy friend from my partner at the time: it was because I actually had some residual feelings for the guy. I didn't want to tell my partner because he would have been upset justifiably.

Think about it: of all of the guys you know, why is this the one you don't want to tell husband about? There is a reason for that.

Where is all of this coming from? Why are you thinking of him? Did you see him online? Have you been talking to him? 

"Strong urges" to meet up with someone are not usually because you want to see how their work is going. Especially when it was a past lover.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Thanks for you insight. I kind of needed one (or more) from a guys point of view. I totally understand that a guy curious to find out about his ex might be looking for sex but are you telling me that ALL guys who are curious are just looking for sex? I don't buy that. *I think there is a 1% chance that a good guy who is doing fine in his life would be interested in remembering and seeing an ex to see how she's been doing. But, I'm a girl an not everything to me is about sex.*


The odds are against you. Most women rationalize this way. Men are very sexual thinkers. They think about sex every 15 seconds on average. Ones that are willing to speak to an ex while married....well..I would say that's a little suspicious. 

And SO many women say the same thing as you before being engulfed in an EA. Of course if you are not looking to have a PA (which you have stated), you certainly would not be thinking that way right now. Usually it takes a good while before an EA turns into a PA. Women who are not looking for the physical aspect need a little time and conversation before having the urge to get physical with a man, especially out of wedlock. 




Fallen Leaf said:


> I don't have any plans to see him more than once. If I do then that's fine but that's not what I care to do.



All I'm saying is be careful, and do not let it go further than a couple of conversations. Keep it on a purely platonic level. 




Fallen Leaf said:


> So, I now understand what a man thinks. I guess that's why my husband doesn't care to meet or know what's been up with his ex. Kidding...*I don't know why he doesn't care and I don't care.* So, knowing this, maybe my ex doesn't care to see me but I'm just speculating. I think he might but I really don't care if he wants to or not, but I do....kind of. I don't know. It's getting depressing now.


How do you know your H doesn't care? Have you spoken to him about it yet?




Fallen Leaf said:


> Not sure what you mean by be honest. *I have always been so sure about my feelings but now this suddenly*. It's pretty odd to me too and I've tried to ignore and move on but it keeps coming back. It's pissing me off. I'd love for this feeling of wanting to meet him to just go away. *I don't really care to talk to any ex's but yet this feeling is really overwhelming strong for this ex*.


So are you saying you do possibly have some sort of "feeling" for your ex?

I would say this is becoming unhealthy based on what you just said. 



Fallen Leaf said:


> I know what you mean. But, this feels a little different. It's very hard to explain and I'm not even sure it could be explained. I wish there was some science that could explain this feeling of just wanting to meet someone again (even an ex) just to say hi and I'm doing well and see that they are doing well. Maybe even to thank them for how they've inspired me. I don't know. It frustrates me. Especially that everyone seems to think it's on a sexual/emotional level.
> 
> I can assure you 100% that it's not sexual...and don't need to go into details because it might hurt other guys (on this forum's) feelings. But, just because there wasn't much there doesn't mean there wasn't much elsewhere. There was. It's not emotional either...far from it.
> 
> ...


Ok...so I noticed you compared your ex being dead with someone you love dying...I myself do not see any correlation. Because if one of my ex's died, I would be sad and recollect maybe....but not the same as I would with a family member or my husband dying. 

Again...have you spoken to your H about this? Is this something he is going to support? If all you claim is true, and you have absolutely no feelings for this ex, then why is this such a huge issue for you? Are you trying to get validation from us that this is ok? I think the best validation is to talk to your husband the way you are talking with us, and you will get a sure shootin' answer from him. 

I can understand that you care about people that have been in and out of your life..it's understandable to recollect, and process old flames..want to thank them for certain things...But if this is becoming toxic to your emotions and life even remotely (which it sounds like it is) then I would say turn away from these thoughts, and stop talking with this man.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Thanks all for your insights, advice, etc. I read them all and it sounds like what I want to do is secretive and unfaithful, etc. I know I don't see it that way because the feelings are not sexual or emotional. They are from another side...more on the spiritual, professional, career-oriented side. Hard to explain. 

I'm not planning to see him anytime soon. I'm going to continue to wait it out and see how things go. It's been a couple of weeks now and the feelings have not changed. Again, I didn't ask for him to come across my mind this way. I've asked God, spirits, whatever force's out there, WTF do they think they're doing to me. I don't care for this. But, yet...here I am very frustrated with this urge to see him. I wish it would stop. Yet, I have a feeling this urge is from wanting to return to corporate world and needing that extra motivation to get me going.

I appreciate the insights. Naturally, I think the same way you all are thinking but then that force tells me maybe I should meet him and get it over with. Get that nagging feeling of seeing him one more time out of my head and move on.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> We just watched the brother in law's new GF go on a three day trip far away from him to watch her son at a school event. A 10 hour drive away. While that was OK, then we found out her ex was going to be there. There are still feelings there, as they hvae only been divorced for 2 years after 20 year marriage. We thought HUGE red flag, and between us are pretty POed about it. The BIL hasn't said anything about it since she got back. But my W knows her brother well, and knows he wouldn't normally be OK with it.
> 
> Different strokes... but unless there are children involved, there's generally NO good reason to meet up with an ex. Some people can, but my opinion is if you want to make sure your marriage is as affair-proof as possible, don't even LOOK at the door, let alone open it.


Yeah, that's different. I could never go on a vacation without my husband and kids. Never ever. I would miss them too much and that would ruin my vacation. It also grosses me out to think that people actually go on vacation to spend time with ex's or a side-love.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> . Hard to explain.


Because it's bullsh!t.

Tell your husband the two of you have been in contact, and stop lying. You are already lying by omission.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> A closer of what? Closure? What do you need closure from?
> 
> Yes, I meant closure. Saw that after I posted but didn't want to go back and fix it.
> 
> ...


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> The odds are against you. Most women rationalize this way. Men are very sexual thinkers. They think about sex every 15 seconds on average. Ones that are willing to speak to an ex while married....well..I would say that's a little suspicious.
> 
> That's okay if the odds are against me. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me that I'm right in my feelings. I don't think it's right but I am justifying it by thinking it's only for motivation and that fits the spot.
> 
> ...


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Because it's bullsh!t.
> 
> Tell your husband the two of you have been in contact, and stop lying. You are already lying by omission.


Why is it bs?

I haven't contacted the ex. Why would I be lying when I'm trying to get different views and understanding of why I'm feeling these unusual feelings?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Why is it bs?


I don't debate the self-deluded. 



> I haven't contacted the ex. Why would I be lying when I'm trying to get different views and understanding of why I'm feeling these unusual feelings?


If you haven't contacted him then you are lying by omission in starting a message board thread without your husband's knowledge, which guarantees his view of it as treachery.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I suppose this urge could be revenge for him scoping out his ex?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

You obviously have your own mind made up about this, regardless of what others say. So either 1) Go ahead and meet him and see what happens from there or 2) Tell your husband all about this and see what happens or 3) Drop it and go on with your life, improve your own marriage. 

Either way, be sure to update after you do either one. I suggest #3, but you don't seem to want to do that.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> I don't debate the self-deluded.
> 
> I didn't know we were debating. Was looking for different views.
> 
> ...


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

aug said:


> I suppose this urge could be revenge for him scoping out his ex?


You mean revenge on my husband? Why?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> You obviously have your own mind made up about this, regardless of what others say. So either 1) Go ahead and meet him and see what happens from there or 2) Tell your husband all about this and see what happens or 3) Drop it and go on with your life, improve your own marriage.
> 
> Either way, be sure to update after you do either one. I suggest #3, but you don't seem to want to do that.


I may have but I'm not purpose made up my mind. It's just a feeling that I should. It could still change. I'd love for it to change right now but it's still there. I know that maybe in time, this feeling will go away on it's own. The thing is, I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure if in the future I'll regret not having to have met him when the opportunity was possible. I'm not sure if years down the road I'll even care to want to see him anymore. But, right now...not just right now but since the last couple of weeks until now, the urge is there.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallen leaf said:


> So just being human and having feelings that I've been finding hard to understand and control and feel that I should just meet him and clear it up is considered cheating?


Minimization. Excellent. Well on your way. Just don't think you are fooling us. 

I said that going on this message board and discussing seeing an old lover would already be considered treachery by your husband. So you changed that to "just being human". Instead of what we are watching you do. 

Yeah sure - I said that just being human means you cheated. 



> I didn't know we were debating. Was looking for different views.


You've got a number of the talents already that we see in unfaithful spouses - rationalization, minimization, playing dumb, denial, projection, etc.

In a way it would be great for you to go ahead and meet with this guy. Bring some booze. Make sure it is an intimate setting of course, and good golly miss molly of course do not tell the husband. 

So that we can listen to you explaining how you didn't mean for the two of you to have sex for six hours. It just "happened". You didn't mean for it to happen and you don't know why it happened and really you're a victim of circumstance, blah blah blah...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Come back and tell us about how good the sex with the ex was.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Minimization. Excellent. Well on your way. Just don't think you are fooling us.
> 
> I said that going on this message board and discussing seeing an old lover would already be considered treachery by your husband. So you changed that to "just being human". Instead of what we are watching you do.
> 
> ...


You're too funny. I haven't done anything except try to get these feelings off my chest and I'm already cheating.

Why is it about sex? You missed the part when I mentioned that sex has nothing to do with it. Get your mind out of the gutter.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Come back and tell us about how good the sex with the ex was.


What sex? There is no sex. Although I did date a guy who was great in bed (size was A+++) but don't want to see him again. Nice guy with a great package but that's about it. Not my thing. Besides, my husband is perfect in all areas.

This ex is different. Sex was not good. Emotional support sucked, but when it came to motivation/career/being inspired, he had it. My husband is a great emotional supporter. He's always there for me and he inspires me career-wise too. I think about it all the time how he lets me go any direction I want and he supports me. This ex comes up because now that I want to return to corporate world, I kinda feel lost about my approach (my husband is well aware that I'm lost because I can't seem to make a move without chickening out). I guess that could be why he popped in my head. I just remember him being great at inspiring me. Just his presence and energy inspired me to just go for it. I'm looking for that and I can't seem to find it anywhere except from him.

I guess if I found that source elsewhere then I wouldn't be looking to the ex. Does that make sense?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Does that make sense?"

Perfectly. You're spending all your time trying to justify the affair you're about to have by trying to convince yourself it is about "some mysterious thing inside yourself that you must explore".


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I don't understand what you mean by affair if I am not sexually attracted to him or emotionally attracted to him. What if I had learned that he was gay when we dated and that's why we broke up. Yet, I want to meet him because I want to feel that side of him that's empowering? Is that still cheating?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Listen, if you have boundaries and respect for the man's wife you would not contact him.

My serious boyfriend before my husband was head over heels in love with me. He left these amazing love letters on my car but I just wasn't in love with him and we broke it off after a year. A few years later a mutual friend told that old BF was getting married and the fiancé looked like me. 

A couple of years ago, I saw that two of my BFFs friended the old boyfriend on Facebook. For a second I thought, "Oh, how fun, I should friend him!" then in the next second something just didn't feel right about it. I knew he was married and it didn't seem appropriate. I put myself in her shoes and I know I wouldn't like it if some old girlfriend of my husband contacted him 31 years later. To me, there's not good reason for it.

I don't think you would be asking our opinions if you felt right about the situation.

P.S. I'm SO glad my husband doesn't have a FB page.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

First of all, people don't have mysterious urges to contact their ex for "spiritual" or "professional" reasons. If it was purely professional, you would look him up on LinkedIn or whatever and move on. It sounds like a bunch of bs. You have control over your own thoughts. Put him out of your mind or meet him and deal with the consequences but don't act like you have no control or responsibility over your own thoughts and feelings.

Secondly, it really doesn't matter why you want to meet him. If you respect your husband and you know this would bother him, don't meet the ex. If it's really as innocent as you say, then you would EASILY be able to put your husband's feelings ahead of your own in this situation. Since you are so hellbent on risking your marriage over this "non-emotional, non-sexual" friendship, there must be more going on here than you are willing to admit.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> You're too funny. I haven't done anything except try to get these feelings off my chest and I'm already cheating.
> 
> Why is it about sex? You missed the part when I mentioned that sex has nothing to do with it. Get your mind out of the gutter.


Shaming, ridicule, and feigning indignancy too. You've got most of the manipulative affair tool kit in order. :smthumbup:

The problem is it doesn't work on people with this amount of experience. We've seen many of you come here pretending to ask for opinions and then ridicule those that don't kiss your fanny. 

Just look at the number of people calling you on your B.S. You aren't fooling us.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Listen, if you have boundaries and respect for the man's wife you would not contact him.
> 
> My serious boyfriend before my husband was head over heels in love with me. He left these amazing love letters on my car but I just wasn't in love with him and we broke it off after a year. A few years later a mutual friend told that old BF was getting married and the fiancé looked like me.
> 
> ...


I actually posted it in the men's forum because I wanted the men's opinion but I'm not going to reject/not-read a women's opinion just because I'm looking for a male's opinion.

But see, your ex was head-over-heals for you. 

I guess I want opinions because I want to know if anyone has ever come across a situation like this where it's not about the sex or the emotion. Sounds like there's none and to me that's depressing. I just don't get why everything is around sex/emotions. If my feelings were really along that line, I'd admit it but honestly it's not.

Btw, the ex is not on my fb and I would never friend him. That's getting too personal. I don't need him to know all of my life and I don't care to know his life except the pieces that motivate me.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

justonelife said:


> First of all, people don't have mysterious urges to contact their ex for "spiritual" or "professional" reasons. If it was purely professional, you would look him up on LinkedIn or whatever and move on. It sounds like a bunch of bs. You have control over your own thoughts. Put him out of your mind or meet him and deal with the consequences but don't act like you have no control or responsibility over your own thoughts and feelings.
> 
> Secondly, it really doesn't matter why you want to meet him. If you respect your husband and you know this would bother him, don't meet the ex. If it's really as innocent as you say, then you would EASILY be able to put your husband's feelings ahead of your own in this situation. Since you are so hellbent on risking your marriage over this "non-emotional, non-sexual" friendship, there must be more going on here than you are willing to admit.


Why not? I have found him on Linkedin. Thus, currently I'm in the process of updating mine so that if I do choose to connect with him professionally, that I look professional too.

I know that it sounds like more but there isn't. It frustrates me because he is an ex. I really wish he wasn't but I can't change that.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Shaming, ridicule, and feigning indignancy too. You've got most of the manipulative affair tool kit in order. :smthumbup:
> 
> The problem is it doesn't work on people with this amount of experience. We've seen many of you come here pretending to ask for opinions and then ridicule those that don't kiss your fanny.
> 
> Just look at the number of people calling you on your B.S. You aren't fooling us.


Sorry, I really don't understand your point. I hope that you could see that I'm frustrated and hope that you can shine a light instead of just assuming that this is all about cheating. 

I am just frustrated with these emotions and they are not love emotions but what I've mentioned before.

I know everyone thinks this is B.S. I totally understand. I can see that too. But then I know me and I know that I'm not looking for love elsewhere. I'm very happy where I'm at. I've made huge life changes and now have been thinking of returning to work and suddenly the ex appears in my mind.

Btw, I'm actually glad that I'm able to talk it out here because it confirms my initial feelings that I really shouldn't but again, there's that glimmer of hope that I should meet him (and it would not be in a private room anywhere). I've also thought about having my husband with me when/if I do meet him to introduce them but I don't want to put my husband in that strange "she's my girl, stay away" atmosphere even if just to get them acquainted.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"there's that glimmer of hope that I should meet him..."


So let me point out to you (even though everyone already has said all of this for the past 4 pages), that we do not have a "glimmer of hope" to meet up with people UNLESS there is some type of boy-girl element present in the dynamic. 

You have landed upon a website that has seen thousands of affairs and has thousands of members. What people are telling you is that the justifications you are going through right now in order to see your ex, are exactly how EVERY affair starts. Everyone thinks they are innocently talking, oh and then it becomes innocent flirting and texting and calling...from there it turns affair in a flash. EVERY affair follows a very similar script, and your first post was page one of that script. It doesn't always happen with ex's, it can basically happen with anyone. And yes, it can happen when you feel totally happy in your marriage.

I do anything I can to protect the boundaries of my marriage.

That includes, if I DO find myself looking forward to seeing a particular person (ie: having a "glimmer of hope" I might see them today at work, for example), then I immediately realize this is a crush just waiting to happen. And I then begin to go out of my way to avoid that person for the time being. Soon enough, I stop having that bit of a crush, because they die quickly when you recognize them for what they are and you don't listen to that sneaky voice in your head that is trying to justify why you just totally innocently want to see them.

It is important that I really know myself, and understand that there are things my mind and body may want to do that I am denying it, and when that happens....suddenly, justifications start popping up in my mind. I know those justifications for what they are : My inner Bad Girl wanting to run free.

Know thyself please, woman. Try to understand that no matter how religious or "good" or moral anyone thinks they are, we are all capable of cheating. ALL of us. Yes, you too.

If nothing else, I hope you have become aware of a few things about affairs and how fragile marriage really is by posting here.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "there's that glimmer of hope that I should meet him..."
> 
> 
> So let me point out to you (even though everyone already has said all of this for the past 4 pages), that we do not have a "glimmer of hope" to meet up with people UNLESS there is some type of boy-girl element present in the dynamic.
> ...


Thanks for the insight. 

I guess it does seem like it would be cheating and NO, I am not capable of cheating. I've been put in positions to cheat and didn't and still wouldn't. It's not me. I know me well enough. 

It's very hard to describe what I'm feeling and yeah, I can see how it would fall under cheating. I guess it's just black and white. I guess when it comes to ex's, it's either cheat or don't cheat. But, nothing in between. That doesn't exist I suppose...well, that's the vibe here.

Thanks for all the replies. It's been an eye-opener.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> hope that you can shine a light


Everyone has been doing just that and your response has been to tell us repeatedly how stupid we are.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Yeah, that happens when suddenly strange feelings arises about an ex. Never said it wasn't stupid. I tell myself that all the time about this situation. 

You are so perfect that your emotions never get in the way. Sorry, God just made me human and human enough to question what I am feeling and strong enough to stand up to what these emotions are trying to do to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fallen...I am sorry that we might sound righteous. I hope you will understand why someday...it isn't that we are righteous, it is that we have read your story over and over...

Hey...stick around and get to know us! We're more fun than this, in general. We just hate cheating. 

Read around, especially down in the Coping section, and I also love the Ladies Lounge and SIM.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Fallen Leaf said:


> I actually posted it in the men's forum because I wanted the men's opinion but I'm not going to reject/not-read a women's opinion just because I'm looking for a male's opinion.


Well, he hasn't contacted me either so I'm assuming he thinks it's inappropriate too. I mean we have mutual friends on FB. He has probably seen me on their page or when they've commented on something I've posted. He could send me a message but he hasn't.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> What sex? There is no sex. Although I did date a guy who was great in bed (size was A+++) but don't want to see him again. Nice guy with a great package but that's about it. Not my thing. Besides, my husband is perfect in all areas.





Fallen Leaf said:


> Why is it about sex? You missed the part when I mentioned that sex has nothing to do with it. Get your mind out of the gutter.





Fallen Leaf said:


> I guess I want opinions because I want to know if anyone has ever come across a situation like this where it's not about the sex or the emotion. Sounds like there's none and to me that's depressing. I just don't get why everything is around sex/emotions. If my feelings were really along that line, I'd admit it but honestly it's not.


How can it NOT be about sex and emotions? You want to meet your ex and not tell your husband. Your initial intentions may well not be about stirring feelings of attraction or emotion but surely you see there is a very good chance of this happening under the circumstances?

You know your husband will not want you to see your ex and the thought of him joining you is ridiculous... just so he can see how adoringly you look into another mans eyes!?

It sounds like you may well be going through a stage in your life similar to my own wife. Your children are becoming less dependent on you and might there be a feeling of detachment or redundancy in your life as they are now (if I remember earlier post correctly) in full time education? You gave them years of your undivided attention and now face a future as a different person to when you worked in the corporate world. 

You look to your ex to help you with fears/lack of confidence/self esteem connected with this move from self employment to a 'proper job'. You need to conquer these fears from within and with the help of your husband, friends and family. There is also counselling if non of the above are working for you. 

This stage in your life with kids out at school, where you are making some big decisions about your future and reflecting on the past is a prime time to hook up with the ex under the guise of 'career advice' and unwittingly (after the event), ruin your marriage.

One more thing... if you do meet the ex (which you seem intent on doing - that's not the case, you may reply but to the neutral reader of this thread it looks like you will) and lo and behold, you find a spark of emotion re-ignites, he looks good and says the most wonderful things to you, inspires you further and tells you how great you look and suggests you meet again to check on your progress with your career... what will you do? What would you do if he, in the most loving and affectionate way held your hand and kissed you?

I can't see any good reason to see the ex. You seem very vulnerable. I would talk to your husband and establish boundaries.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Fallen...I am sorry that we might sound righteous. I hope you will understand why someday...it isn't that we are righteous, it is that we have read your story over and over...
> 
> Hey...stick around and get to know us! We're more fun than this, in general. We just hate cheating.
> 
> Read around, especially down in the Coping section, and I also love the Ladies Lounge and SIM.


Forgiven. I hold no hard feelings. I somehow knew this was coming so it's okay. I have thick skin...and humor too.

Thanks...I have been reading around. Pretty depressing read sometimes.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Well, he hasn't contacted me either so I'm assuming he thinks it's inappropriate too. I mean we have mutual friends on FB. He has probably seen me on their page or when they've commented on something I've posted. He could send me a message but he hasn't.


Are you saying that you contacted your ex through FB and he hasn't replied?

I haven't contacted the ex yet. I am very shy and timid in person, I respect my husband, his wife, and our kids, and then currently, I'm trying to figure out why these feelings won't go away. It's been two weeks as I've said earlier and I've yet to contact or see him or anything. Wanting to meet him and talk to him are just thought. I've no courage to actually move with it. {roll eyes} Yes, I know the no courage comes across like a hidden agenda even though in my heart I know it's not. It's frustration...and such.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

earlyforties said:


> How can it NOT be about sex and emotions? You want to meet your ex and not tell your husband. Your initial intentions may well not be about stirring feelings of attraction or emotion but surely you see there is a very good chance of this happening under the circumstances?
> 
> Yep, not about the sex/emotions. Right, but you'll have to go back and read what I said about it. Also, I don't mind if they meet...I just know husband won't like the idea because he will think I have something for him and then I'll have to explain why the sex sucked and why the emotional thing sucked and why the career empowerment was great. When, if I just meet the ex to talk to him, I can be empowered...but I know, just meeting one-on-one is fishy. I get it.
> 
> ...


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> I am strong though.


Strong enough to talk to your husband about your need to contact the ex?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Yes, but the stars have not aligned yet.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Yes but no.
Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: How Would You Feel About This*



Fallen Leaf said:


> If she contacted you to say hi and catch up on things or just to see how you've been doing, would you be excited to know what she's been up to as well? This is assuming that both parties are happy in their life.


Nope, happily married and not interested in the least. 

As for your fellings, you already know they can be a virus that may infect your marriage. Here's the cure, "Tell your husband how you feel". Thats what good married people do, they discus their feelings. M


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

I think Fallen Leaf is a troll...

She hasn't listened at all and I see multiple posts/responses by her now to other posters (including myself) either calling them stupid OR telling them/me how great her husband is for her.

If you're NOT a troll, good luck with your situation, your husband is a lucky guy


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I'm not a troll. My life is good. My husband is wonderful. My kids are great. I'm very happy in my life. But, I can still have things I have to deal with. Some of them are kinda crazy like this one.

Where did I call someone stupid? Are you referring to the pothead post? I'm calling potheads stupid because smoking pot makes you stupid. Never said anyone in specific was...although someone in this post called me stupid. That's fine. Call me whatever you want...you don't now me personally and I you so yeah...big deal.

Yes, my husband is great and he is a lucky guy. I am a lucky gal too. 

At least I don't pretend to have perfect everything. I can have everything on the outside perfect and pretty and all but on the inside, sometimes, things aren't so great. And it's okay. I tend to just talk about it to whomever is available and heal. Most the time it's my husband, sometimes, it's with friends, or my sisters...maybe even strangers. Don't try to make me look perfect and then judge me against it. If you want to understand me, just ask.


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## nec (Apr 15, 2013)

agree!!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> I'm not a troll. My life is good. My husband is wonderful. My kids are great. I'm very happy in my life. But, I can still have things I have to deal with. Some of them are kinda crazy like this one.
> 
> Yes, my husband is great and he is a lucky guy. I am a lucky gal too.



If everything is so perfect, you're very happy, husband and you are very lucky and great, rainbows and unicorns, why are you here asking about rekindling an old flame?

You don't need to meet up with an ex to get back into the corporate world. If you want to work, you can do it on your own, to me it sounds like you're making up excuses and NOT being honest with yourself.

But you said you are and life is great, so good day to you.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> If everything is so perfect, you're very happy, husband and you are very lucky and great, rainbows and unicorns, why are you here asking about rekindling an old flame?
> 
> You don't need to meet up with an ex to get back into the corporate world. If you want to work, you can do it on your own, to me it sounds like you're making up excuses and NOT being honest with yourself.
> 
> But you said you are and life is great, so good day to you.


Exactly. That's why it's not a rekindling/sex/emotional interest. I've said it before in my previous comments that I'm frustrated because I don't understand why this feeling of wanting to meet him is so strong. It's not to get back into a relationship or anything like that. It feels like wanting to meet an old friend after many years...someone who had this strong energy that pushed me into a great career (not like a dream job but just something I wanted to do). Mind you, he did not help me with finding the job and such. It was something about him that brought ambition out of me to go for it and not be afraid. I know that I may be looking for that again and since he happens to live in the same area as I, I just don't think it would hurt to drop by and say hi to him. But, I am listening to everyone and I know that it will likely come across like cheating/infidelity even though I don't feel it like that. I know it does come across that way and it's just one of those "too bad" things that just doesn't seem to make sense because it somehow falls under the cheating side.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Fallen Leaf said:


> Are you saying that you contacted your ex through FB and he hasn't replied?


No, I haven't contacted him at all and he hasn't contacted me. I was just saying that he must know I'm on FB and easy to message because we are both friends with the same people. I have a boundary I don't want to cross out of respect for my husband and his wife. I'm assuming he feels the same or he would have contacted me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fallen Leaf, here are some snippets of your last post, so you can kind of see it from an outsider's perspective:

*I don't understand why this feeling of wanting to meet him is so strong*

*someone who had this strong energy that pushed me*

*It was something about him*

*I just don't think it would hurt to drop by and say hi to him*

- - - - - - - - - 

It doesn't matter if you understand it or not. I tried to tell you, it is simply your inner Bad Girl trying to come up with excuses to go out and play, but you don't want to see it that way. You want to attribute yourself with "higher principals" than that. But sweetie, I guarantee you that is what that sneaky Girl in you is up to. If you could see it that way, you would suddenly understand "why this feeling of wanting to meet him is so strong". 

It just happens. It just starts with that strong feeling. It does happen for a reason, but not the reason you want it to be. There is a desire within us to connect, and a desire within us to be sexual, romantic and in love. These desires keep coming up here and there, even when you are currently being fulfilled by a partner you love. It helps to recognize these random STRONG desires as your body's way of trying to get around allllll your filters and get you some strange. It is only natural.


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> I don't understand what you mean by affair if I am not sexually attracted to him or emotionally attracted to him. What if I had learned that he was gay when we dated and that's why we broke up. Yet, I want to meet him because I want to feel that side of him that's empowering? Is that still cheating?


My wife has had 2 separate gay friends who tried to sleep with her. One of them said he wanted to have a baby and she would be perfect, the other said that if he was to go straight she would be the one to do it.

Just because a man is gay does not mean he will not sleep with women.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> No, I haven't contacted him at all and he hasn't contacted me. I was just saying that he must know I'm on FB and easy to message because we are both friends with the same people. I have a boundary I don't want to cross out of respect for my husband and his wife. I'm assuming he feels the same or he would have contacted me.


I C. Yeah, I don't want to be his FB friend. Maybe Linkedin but I'm still thinking that over. We worked at the same company so if I update my Linkedin to include the company we worked for, then there would be a chance he'll see it and I don't want that. I don't want him to search for me or know where I work, live, etc.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Fallen Leaf, here are some snippets of your last post, so you can kind of see it from an outsider's perspective:
> 
> *I don't understand why this feeling of wanting to meet him is so strong*
> 
> ...


yeah, it's because having to explain myself, it comes out like that.

I thought this over last night and this morning, I still want to meet him and again, the sexual/emotional feelings are still not there. Yes, I could definitely be in denial. I've thought of that...not just since I posted this but since he popped in my head.

Honestly, I don't care to be his friend or get to know him or whatever. Maybe I'd like him to know that I'm looking for work and he might have connections. But, he was a big influence in my past. I don't know anything about him anymore and he, I. I don't have the feelings of needing to connect so that we can try to be sneaky behind our spouses back. I'm just in the thinking stage right now. I'm trying to figure out what the benefits are if I do contact him. Since he's been a big inspiration, I thought it would help. 

The subject is sticky because he happens to be an ex. And, I've said it many times, I wish we had never dated. 

Also, I really don't have any strong relationship feelings toward him. The sex was bad. The emotional support was worse. I have all that with my husband and more. 

I'm not going to see him tomorrow or anything. If anything, it might be within a year...maybe even later...when I get my stuff (resume, Linkedin, skills, etc.) together to work in corporate world again.

I don't know...I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have posted here. It's really not a serious issue and it is mostly related to me wanting to go back to work.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> My wife has had 2 separate gay friends who tried to sleep with her. One of them said he wanted to have a baby and she would be perfect, the other said that if he was to go straight she would be the one to do it.
> 
> Just because a man is gay does not mean he will not sleep with women.


I C. Yeah, I don't have any friends of the opposite sex and husband doesn't either. We just don't care to add drama in that way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What I was describing was UNconscious desires, Fallen Leaf. That's why to you, it feels like "wow, what a strong feeling of desire to see him, so strange since this is only about a work thing". It is not a conscious desire like "wow, I sure want to f*ck my ex".

But ok.

You are right, maybe you are the one and only exception to the rules of infidelity.


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## wvmntr (Nov 23, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> If everything is so perfect, you're very happy, husband and you are very lucky and great, rainbows and unicorns, why are you here asking about rekindling an old flame?
> 
> You don't need to meet up with an ex to get back into the corporate world. If you want to work, you can do it on your own, to me it sounds like you're making up excuses and NOT being honest with yourself.
> 
> But you said you are and life is great, so good day to you.


Im with yellowstar on this one. You obviously know what the right/wrong thing to do here is. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here trying to rationalize it here.

I have ex-gf's that I talk to and am friends with. But, there is a BIG difference between an interest in what people are up to and a "strong desire" to see them. If I were you, Id stay far far away from the situation...it will only spell disaster for you and the fam.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> ... I don't have the feelings of needing to connect so that we can try to be sneaky behind our spouses back. I'm just in the thinking stage right now. I'm trying to figure out *what the benefits are if I do contact him*.
> Also,* I really don't* have any strong relationship feelings toward him. .


But maybe the guy has feelings, and has those feelings for you?

When I was married, my wife took up facebook like a bunch of women and wives we knew. At first I saw it was mainly chicks showing pictures of their kids, catching up with people from high school who we both knew, etc. Then one day, she had left her facebook open and there was a message from some dude.

Apparently, SHE had looked up this guy she knew from college. Apparently, they had been pretty close friends during college. Apparently, they had hung out together, alone at someones house while in college. Weird thing is, I was her boyfriend when she was in college, and I never knew any of that, including who he was. She had never mentioned this "good friend" from college, or that they had hung out alone in a friends basement while cutting class.

The message I intercepted was him telling her how into her he was in college and how he always had a crush on her. I was pretty upset at where it was headed, and told her so. She filled me in on some stuff that I never knew, but really, only pieces of a story I could never have all the facts about.

Anyways, the guy saw my wife contacting him as something more than just friends. He was flirting with her, and I think she enjoyed the attention from it all. As her husband, I didn't appreciate any of it.

What if by contacting the guy, he thinks you want more than "catching up"?

I've had married women that I knew back in the day contact me on facebook. It's usually pretty uncomfortable and often flirtatious. 

I don't see any benefits in contacting the guy. Can you think of any benefits? Even one benefit??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fallen Leaf said:


> I C. Yeah, I don't have any friends of the opposite sex and husband doesn't either. We just don't care to add drama in that way.


And yet, this entire thread...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

tulsy asked: "I don't see any benefits in contacting the guy. Can you think of any benefits? Even one benefit??"


She has to contact him to explore something within herself, something that vaguely has to do with her career but she can't really put her finger on it. But she just "knows deep inside" there is some benefit somehow, and she keeps trying to find out what the benefit is. She probably just needs a few more weeks or months to carefully plan out how to get in touch with him so she can finally consummate the "benefit".


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

A lot of taking with TAM members. 

Has she discussed it with her H yet?

:scratchhead:


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'll say again...if this is TRULY nothing more than wanting to make professional connections back in the business world, then you would have no trouble telling your H about it. If it bothers your H because this guy is your ex, then let it go and find another way to make professional connections.

The fact that you are putting so much thought into this one guy as your "way" back into the working world makes no sense at all.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> A lot of taking with TAM members.
> 
> Has she discussed it with her H yet?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Of course not, because she knows that her H would be upset. Rightly so.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> *My husband doesn't know and I don't want him to know yet because he'll be upset.* He won't understand but maybe he will (it's just not something I'd like to bring up right now). But, on the other side, he's followed his ex's status (without me aware of it) and it didn't bother me when I found out. He didn't tell me on his own. I asked him one day out of the blue and he was hesitant to tell me but he did and I simply said, "So what. I'm glad you're able to know where she stands. I think it's pretty cool after all these years to know what she's up to," and he chilled but said he didn't want to talk anymore about her. I know he won't be happy to know that I'd like to just see how an old ex is doing. I'd like them to meet and I'd love for all of us to be friends...but yeah, that's not going to ever happen.
> 
> I guess it doesn't bother me if he checks on his ex. I trust him and I know he trusts me. I think it's okay to secretly want to know about an ex. They didn't work out for a reason but that doesn't mean they are less human and not worthy to remember or want to know what they've been up to.


and this is why he should know.

How far are you willing to take this?


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

Hi everyone. Just wanted to give you all a followup.

Since I've decided that I don't plan to go back into the corporate world, I've decided that I don't need to feel inspired by him. 

My decision not to go back to work outside the home was an agreement between my husband and I and I never even got to the point of bringing up the ex and my reasons why I'd like to meet him. Imagine if I had just brought it up, that would have added unnecessary stress.

I have no desire to get in touch with him. That feeling is gone. Just like that. And, my desire to work in corporate world is also gone. I've got other things I'm going to pursue.

BTW, I can't remember who said this...maybe more than one person but I remember just reading it from one poster about the ex possibly having an interest in me even though I don't have that type of interest in him and that could be a possibility. I don't want that and I don't want him to think that's what I want but I'm sure he might think that. So, that's definitely something I don't want. I am very happy with just my husband wanting me.

Anyway, thanks for all the response.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm happy to hear that you have turned the other way and are going a different route. I hope all goes well with what you are going to pursue.


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