# Lost, and unsure of what to do.......



## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

I’m not really happy that I’m even posting here, and honestly quite embarrassed about it. My Wife and I are in our early 30’s and happily married with the exception of our sex life. I love her dearly, and she is always there for me except for sexually. All other aspects of our lives are great, and I wouldn’t change anything else. We’ve been married for 9 years, together for 12. We’ve had talks about our non-existant sex life and that we will do what’s needed to change it. It just seems like nothing is going to work at this point and that I need to accept this for what it is, and that marriages start to lose that spark. My Parent’s had/have this issue, and I have friends that also have this same situation. I really had no idea that the intimacy would stop once you have been married for several years.
My Wife will not even passionately kiss me unless I initiate, yet she claims she enjoys being kissed in that manner. She will not touch me intimately (my penis) at all except for literally a random “poke, poke”. That’s it I have let her know what I need/want intimately/sexually and she says she will work on it, but it just never happens. We used to sleep nude once in a while (sorry if TMI) and it was great, the night/morning would be filled with passion and intimacy, but she stopped that years ago. Just last night she slept nude with me, but even though I was fully aroused and ready to go last night and this morning, she did nothing more than her literal “poke poke” and giggled. She literally touched me intimately twice while I was fondling her breasts and kissing her all over, trying to get her into the mood. She seems to love me and tells me that she loves me all of the time, but I’m wondering if she just doesn’t feel sexually connected to me anymore and she won’t tell me. I’m just completely lost……


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

growingme said:


> I’m not really happy that I’m even posting here, and honestly quite embarrassed about it. My Wife and I are in our early 30’s and happily married with the exception of our sex life. I love her dearly, and she is always there for me except for sexually. All other aspects of our lives are great, and I wouldn’t change anything else. We’ve been married for 9 years, together for 12. We’ve had talks about our non-existant sex life and that we will do what’s needed to change it. It just seems like nothing is going to work at this point and that I need to accept this for what it is, and that marriages start to lose that spark. My Parent’s had/have this issue, and I have friends that also have this same situation. I really had no idea that the intimacy would stop once you have been married for several years.
> My Wife will not even passionately kiss me unless I initiate, yet she claims she enjoys being kissed in that manner. She will not touch me intimately (my penis) at all except for literally a random “poke, poke”. That’s it I have let her know what I need/want intimately/sexually and she says she will work on it, but it just never happens. We used to sleep nude once in a while (sorry if TMI) and it was great, the night/morning would be filled with passion and intimacy, but she stopped that years ago. Just last night she slept nude with me, but even though I was fully aroused and ready to go last night and this morning, she did nothing more than her literal “poke poke” and giggled. She literally touched me intimately twice while I was fondling her breasts and kissing her all over, trying to get her into the mood. She seems to love me and tells me that she loves me all of the time, but I’m wondering if she just doesn’t feel sexually connected to me anymore and she won’t tell me. I’m just completely lost……




Sounds like she wants "you" to take charge and be her man. That means "you" must do the initiating because she wants and needs that. If you do little to nothing, she thinks you aren't into her and you think she isn't into you.


Even if she isn't in the mood some of the times, initiate and be the aggressor anyway.


For those times she genuinely isn't in the mood, buy yourself a high end sex toy and get of out of your system.


Also, both of you take the 5 love languages quiz separately and then compare the results afterwards. You'll both be surprised.

Profiles Archive - The 5 Love Languages®


Some ladies love to initiate, were as some don't and expect their men to do so. Makes them feel desired, wanted and needed.


Sounds like you are the type of guy who wants a woman to take him and be the initiator. The opposite.


It's also called sexual mismatch. 


HD - high sex drive and LD - low sex drive. 


One spouse wants sex often and the other once in a while......leads to many serious issues in the relationship / marriage.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

growingme said:


> I’m not really happy that I’m even posting here, and honestly quite embarrassed about it. My Wife and I are in our early 30’s and happily married with the exception of our sex life. I love her dearly, and she is always there for me except for sexually. All other aspects of our lives are great, and I wouldn’t change anything else. We’ve been married for 9 years, together for 12. We’ve had talks about our non-existant sex life and that we will do what’s needed to change it. It just seems like nothing is going to work at this point and that I need to accept this for what it is, and that marriages start to lose that spark. My Parent’s had/have this issue, and I have friends that also have this same situation. I really had no idea that the intimacy would stop once you have been married for several years.
> My Wife will not even passionately kiss me unless I initiate, yet she claims she enjoys being kissed in that manner. She will not touch me intimately (my penis) at all except for literally a random “poke, poke”. That’s it I have let her know what I need/want intimately/sexually and she says she will work on it, but it just never happens. We used to sleep nude once in a while (sorry if TMI) and it was great, the night/morning would be filled with passion and intimacy, but she stopped that years ago. Just last night she slept nude with me, but even though I was fully aroused and ready to go last night and this morning, she did nothing more than her literal “poke poke” and giggled. She literally touched me intimately twice while I was fondling her breasts and kissing her all over, trying to get her into the mood. She seems to love me and tells me that she loves me all of the time, but I’m wondering if she just doesn’t feel sexually connected to me anymore and she won’t tell me. I’m just completely lost……


It sounds like she just needs you to be assertive. You're both laying there naked, and she's giggling and touching you, yet you didn't mount her? Why? She says that she enjoys it, she just needs you to be dominant, she needs you to lead her.

Why not suggest that you both start sleeping nude every night? If she comes to bed with clothes on, then playfully get her to strip. Jokingly tell her that it's for health reasons, that you were talking to God in the shower and He suggested it, or kiss her passionately and take her clothes off yourself. Point is, don't make it an argument. Make it a game. Or make it sexy. Make it fun and playful.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you initiate sex, does she tell you to stop?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BioFury;18028498 [B said:


> Why didn't you mount her? [/B]Why? She says that she enjoys it, she just needs you to be dominant, she needs you to lead her.



Mount her...I love that term. I do.

Mount Bliss....aren't they all.
Mount Rushmore.. NO!..take your time.
Mount Noshaq....No' if they are sweet..marry em'
Mount Chomo Lanzo..No' he is a player..mount me.
Mount Jong Song....I sing anything, Dear!
Mount Chiren Himal....no babies, wearing a condom.
Mount Chamlang...pardon my accent..you are charming. 
Mount Porong Ri...yeah, it was wrong for me too.
Mount Rimo III.....cannot say..will get censored.
Mount Langtang Ri......poon tang's bigger sister.
Mount St. Helens...that orgasm really popped.
Mount Krakatoa....big boom. that orgasm threw me off the bed...cracked my big toe...it was worth it. I think?

Mount Vesuvius....eruption time >


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Watch, Listen, and Learn.







https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

Also, Google "Responsive Desire in women"


----------



## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

Sorry for the delay in response. It depends, last night she happened to go right along with it when I just "took" her. Maybe she just wants to be "taken"?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

growingme said:


> She seems to love me and tells me that she loves me all of the time, but I’m wondering if she just doesn’t feel sexually connected to me anymore and she won’t tell me. I’m just completely lost……


For some people an emotional connection and feeling loved is far more important than being aroused and having orgasms. 

Never measure how much someone loves you by the orgasms they have during sex!

It is very possible that your wife may receive all her sexual validation by simply pleasing you and seeing you happy and satisfied intimately. This may be exclusively what she find arousing. Everyone is different!


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sit her down and tell her that you would like the two of you to go to a sex therapist together. Not because there is anything wrong with either of you, but so the sex therapist (marriage counselor with extra training in sexual problems) and provide you with exercises, learning materials, and help the two of you better understand each others emotional, intimacy and sexual needs so that the two of you can reach a compromise that both of you can live with.

Good luck.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

growingme said:


> Sorry for the delay in response. It depends, last night she happened to go right along with it when I just "took" her. Maybe she just wants to be "taken"?


Yes! That's precisely what we're saying. Take her. She appears to be a submissive woman in bed, that means you need to take the lead, and be the dominant partner. Pay attention to her non-verbal cues. If she looks happy about what's going on, or if she's returning your physical molestations, then go for it!


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Time to be the alpha. Take charge. Grab her hand and put it on your hard **** and show her how you like it. Then while she does that, start fingering her. If she stops right away, put her hand back on it.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Time to be the alpha.


Only beta's that have never learned to love and accept who they are... are the only ones that ever use the word "alpha."


----------



## growingme (Jun 11, 2017)

Thanks for the input everyone, I guess I just needed to grow a pair and just take her. I got home from work last night, walked into the living room where she was at, literally grabbed her up and took her right on the couch. Some of the best sex we have EVER had and she was REALLY into it!

Thank you all again for the help and advice!


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Careful Growingme! Problem may not be totally solved. If you start doing this all the time - it too might get boring and she may stop responding. I personally don't like the word dominant. I prefer the word passionate instead. And we are not just talking about sex. Many women want to be pursued, courted, teased, taken, romanced at other times too - not just when you want sex. Many of us need to feel like our men are passionate about all of our relationship - not just the sexual part. In marriage - the relationship often levels out into a stagnant routine after several years. The excitement wears off and daily life demands cause us to stop working on keeping the excitement and passion of the man/woman relationship alive and thriving. To keep it alive and thriving it has to be nurtured, watered, and provided the environments it needs to thrive. 

Think about when your relationship was new and you were dating. How did you act towards her. What things did you do that attracted her to you. Are you taking care of yourself and putting forth your best image to her? Or have you become complacent, taking your relationship with her for granted. Are you still attractive, sexy, and alluring? 

Mix things up. You need to be both alpha and beta - but being them at the right time. There may be times when she just needs you to cuddle with her and listen to her (not trying to solve things - just listening and providing empathy). There may be times when she wants you to slowly and sensually make love to her and times she wants you just to "****" her - or take her passionately. Call her during the day and tell her how much you miss her and how you can't wait to come home and be with her. Come home and passionately kiss her, then pull back and tell her she is so amazing beautiful and sexy and her kisses are the sweetest thing on earth. Then go about your regular evening routine. Other times - come home and passionately kiss her - pick her up and carry her to your room and slowly and sensually make love to her. Remember passion is the main ingredient in your recipe of suucess. 

But keeping it fresh and exciting are also important ingredients to keeping her craving your "meal". Don't do the same things over and over. Chocolate cake night after night soon becomes very unappetizing - even if it is a favorite food. Don't be needy and always readily available to her. Provide some distance in between the two of you - doing things for yourself like working out or working on a hobby and encouraging her to pursue her interests and hobbies. 

Many of us need to feel like our men are passionate about us and we need variety and excitement to help the sexual flame ignite. We have enough dullness and mundane tasks in our daily routine. We want an escape from that. An exciting marital relationship can be a welcomed diversion from the routine world if both spouses are willing to do the work necessary.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

mary35 said:


> Think about when your relationship was new and you were dating. How did you act towards her. What things did you do that attracted her to you. Are you taking care of yourself and putting forth your best image to her? Or have you become complacent, taking your relationship with her for granted. Are you still attractive, sexy, and alluring?


Being complacent and less attractive don't help, but I think that what a lot of couples aren't prepared for is what seems to be a natural progression for many women in an LTR. Regardless of the man's behavior or appearance, the woman will often change from spontaneous desire to responsive desire as the New Relationship Energy wears off.

The man will interpret the lack of spontaneous desire as her not finding him sexually desirable anymore and the woman may interpret it as meaning that she no longer "wants" sex and, since she doesn't "want" it, she shouldn't be expected to have it.

If both partners knew in advance that this often happens and is quite common, they'd be better prepared to adapt to it.

Men generally start out chock full of testosterone and slowly decline over time so their sexual response is pretty predictable. Women have NRE, monthly cycles, menopause, etc that can keep their libido bouncing around a lot. The mistake seems to be attributing reasons to what are actually just natural chemical fluctuations.



mary35 said:


> Mix things up. You need to be both alpha and beta - *but being them at the right time.* There may be times when she just needs you to cuddle with her and listen to her (not trying to solve things - just listening and providing empathy). There may be times when she wants you to slowly and sensually make love to her and times she wants you just to "****" her - or take her passionately. Call her during the day and tell her how much you miss her and how you can't wait to come home and be with her. Come home and passionately kiss her, then pull back and tell her she is so amazing beautiful and sexy and her kisses are the sweetest thing on earth. Then go about your regular evening routine. Other times - come home and passionately kiss her - pick her up and carry her to your room and slowly and sensually make love to her. Remember passion is the main ingredient in your recipe of suucess.


Mixing things up and being somewhat unpredictable is certainly good advice.

But it's asking an awful lot of a man to just figure out what she wants and when she wants it without any input from her.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Buddy400 said:


> Being complacent and less attractive don't help, but I think that what a lot of couples aren't prepared for is what seems to be a natural progression for many women in an LTR. Regardless of the man's behavior or appearance, the woman will often change from spontaneous desire to responsive desire as the New Relationship Energy wears off.
> 
> The man will interpret the lack of spontaneous desire as her not finding him sexually desirable anymore and the woman may interpret it as meaning that she no longer "wants" sex and, since she doesn't "want" it, she shouldn't be expected to have it.
> 
> ...


I agree with all you wrote. And yes it is placing a lot on the man. And woman should help as much as possible. Simple statements like - I just need you to listen tonight and let me vent. Or Just **** me. or can we slow it down a bit - can go a long way in helping the man know what is needed. But sometimes - we want you to read our minds. lol Sorry - expectin 
a lot - but its true. So in those cases - just wing it the best you can. You have a 50/50 chance (alpha or beta) of getting it right. HaHa!!!


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

growingme said:


> Thanks for the input everyone, I guess I just needed to grow a pair and just take her. I got home from work last night, walked into the living room where she was at, literally grabbed her up and took her right on the couch. Some of the best sex we have EVER had and she was REALLY into it!
> 
> Thank you all again for the help and advice!


Hurray! Keep it up


----------

