# Should I move on or keep fighting?



## NavyWife659 (Jan 21, 2010)

My husband and I have only been married for three years but we have a lot going on. Recently I found out about many girls he had been talking to, some from back in his high school and some who are complete strangers on Craigslist. One of the girls from his high school was more serious it seemed. She lives in our home state where we are originally from and we are in another state due to him being in the military. Well he told her that he got married too young and that he would leave everything including me for her. He even told her that he loved her. I know she sent him a picture of her naked and when he was on deployment he would email her. They texted quite a bit according to the phone records. Not many calls but mostly just text. He would text her while he was texting me and other girls. He was trying to meet up with her once while we were visiting family back in our homestate to "hang out". All this and also him sexting with girls from Craigslist and trying to meet up with them. When I confronted him he was telling me he just wanted to see how far he could get someone to go because he has low self esteem or so he says. After all of this we tried a couple of counseling sessions but I don't see a lot of progress. And is hard for me to get past everything he did for so long and how clueless I was. I feel unattractive and like he doesn't really love me. He cried me a river and beg me to stay and he said he would stop everything. As far as I know he has, but I also learned that he can be extremely sneaky so I could be wrong. We don't have kids but I moved across the country for him and left my family and friends. I feel clueless as what to do, I'm so confused and wish I could know for sure if he has changed. I think we should separate but I have no family here and I just graduated from school with a BA and landed a great job that I would have to give up if I go back to my home state. I'm just so confused and heart broken and just need some advice. Should I keep trying to forgive him and fight for our marriage? Or should I move on?


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## guest5 (Aug 2, 2011)

i don't have any advise because im going through difficult stuff myself. but i wanted to say im sorry.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

This is tuff and I hope that you find comfort in a few words from my own near divorce experience. 

You are lucky (in a bad way I suppose) to have absolute proof of his actions. His apologies and cutting the activity is good, however I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's not still occurring. As you mentioned he may have just dug deeper to avoid your radar. 

I think counseling and a lot of open communication is really going to be required. If he seems reluctant to work at it really, as in avoids counseling and seems to be just sweeping it under the rug, make sure it doesn't get pushed off. Often times the guilty party, out of shame, will try and sweep the issue away quickly to avoid feeling the guilt and shame of what they've done.

I think you need to ask yourself if you can forgive his actions and figure out if you still want to be here. I fought for my marriage due to what I saw in it. Honestly had my wife reacted differently I wouldn't have. Your husband needs a wake up call and I think separation although good, could open the door for him to seek comfort elsewhere. However it may give you the oppertunity to think clearly without outside influence. 

At this point it's really a coin toss for the outcome. It's going to depend on if you can weather this emotionally and if he can truly recommit to the marriage. 

I can't stress enough the importance of making him face this as he'll likely not really change without you putting up the sheilds for awhile. You got to protect yourself and hope he has the desire to really work for your trust. 

Best wishes and hope you're able to overcome this difficult situation. 

-mtts


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I would recommend that you stay in your job since it's new, you're enjoying it, and you're unsure whether you're staying in the marriage. Even IF you and H decide to split, that does NOT mean you have to rush back to your hometown. You'll meet friends through work and neighbors to hang with.

You DEFINITELY need to get into Individual Counselling. I think YOU need to go to IC by yourself and talk to an impartial person who can help you assess your life, what you want out of it, help you assess your marriage, what you want out of it, see if salvaging your marriage is the RIGHT STEP for YOU or not. If it is, HOW should you go about it (setting boundaries, etc.), if it's NOT, how you should prepare to end it.

You are VERY YOUNG and you do not have family support nearby to lean on a lot so a counselor JUST FOR YOU would be a good idea. Your counsellor will help YOU determine IF/when you could benefit from marriage counseling with your H.

Look out for YOURSELF; it sounds selfish, but you can't be part of a healthy couple if YOU'RE not a healthy person in your own right!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you aren't in counseling, I suggest you try that. With so many changes in your life, right now, it will be good to have an objective person to talk to.

How did your H respond when you talked to him about his affairs? Did he own up to them or try to minimize? Did he talk to you at all about why he has behaved in this way?

In my opinion, if there's something that can be saved and that you want to save, then you should try. However, you've got to be honest about whether or not you can salvage this. What has he done to clean up the mess he has made? What has he done to make this right? Has he shown you any real signs of commitment or change? There are a lot of threads about true remorse vs just acting out of getting caught on here. I'd recommend reading them. If you take him back, don't do so without confronting the marriage problems that brought you both to this point and the personal problems that led him to cheat and hurt you so much. And, don't make it easy, or he will just do this all over again. Find the source of the problem and see if it can be fixed. Make your decision based on what you are willing to risk.

Keep your job. Get yourself tested for STDs. Get some support structures that are not him. Figure out what you want for you before you decide whether to go or stay. Many people don't want to try and fix things after infidelity like this. Some do. Keep reading the forum and post when you need support. You need to look out for your best interest right now, because he sure looked out for his own and at your expense, so you can't count on him to have your back at this point. 

Don't rug-sweep based on wishful thinking, though, or you'll be here in this pain again in the future.


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