# Arranged marriage: Immense mental pressure



## furcinab (Jun 3, 2021)

So, I was a pretty enthusiastic guy, preparing to go for higher studies last year. Due to corona, that plan failed and I got stuck in my home country. Now, my Indian parents thought I should get married and I should get married soon. I am 26 now, so wanted more time to explore and repeatedly declined the request. But with some wrong turn of events (like my parents emotionally blackmailing me) I was told to visit the girl's (26) house, and I found her pretty and smart. But again, I was forced to take a decision within 2 days, and my parents again kind of forced me to get into it, even though after talking to the girl, I realized there are many incompatibilities, but my parents insisted they will go away.

Now, the problem was I am a very self-focused person with very few close people to guide me in these situations (actually none). After a while I thought it would be a bad marriage maybe because after talking for a while with the girl, I realized she is extremely imbalanced emotionally, she will cry if I say "we don't have many similarities, should we even consider marrying". So, for some weird reason, I could not just say no and I got married. The saddest part is, from that day, even though I was getting married, I never felt happy. It's so crazy. 

The funny part is, I was in love with a girl a few years earlier, I tried so hard to get into a relationship with her, but she was not interested in any kind of relationships, she just wanted to be single. At that time, I really felt how it feels to love someone, it was magical. On contrary, now even when I am doing something romantic (like watching romantic movies with her, having a candlelight dinner), deep down, I never feel any of that feeling, even in the slightest.

She has some good qualities definitely, but her bad qualities somehow strike harder in my eye. She is pretty lazy, as I always wanted to be more and more productive, with her, now it seems impossible. She complains about my parents, even though my parents love her that much, which in turn makes me angry towards my parents as they were the first ones to get me into this in the first place. It's getting more toxic every single day. It's not even a year I got married, and already I feel so much depressed, I am doing poor on my job than before, most of my hobbies are gone, I feel suicidal sometimes.

I always considered myself a romantic person, who will love his partner unconditionally, but nothing like that is happening here. Whatever she does, doesn't attract me, she complains about mundane stuff, I thought as she was 1-year senior, she would be a little more mature than me, but it's turning out quite opposite. What should I do? I am totally confused. How can I be happy and maintain a healthy relationship?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

furcinab said:


> How can I be happy and maintain a healthy relationship?


You can't. You chose to abide by the tenets of your culture or religion, so you need to find a way to make the best of your decision. Maybe you should read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman so that you can learn to communicate better with your wife. Maybe things will improve over time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sfort said:


> You can't. You chose to abide by the tenets of your culture or religion, so you need to find a way to make the best of your decision. Maybe you should read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman so that you can learn to communicate better with your wife. Maybe things will improve over time.


Correct on all accounts. But if he didn't have the guts to say no to his parents and cave in, still...he has an out if he could only gather the necessary courage to do it: DIVORCE.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

furcinab said:


> So, I was a pretty enthusiastic guy, preparing to go for higher studies last year. Due to corona, that plan failed and I got stuck in my home country. Now, my Indian parents thought I should get married and I should get married soon. I am 26 now, so wanted more time to explore and repeatedly declined the request. But with some wrong turn of events (like my parents emotionally blackmailing me) I was told to visit the girl's (26) house, and I found her pretty and smart. But again, I was forced to take a decision within 2 days, and my parents again kind of forced me to get into it, even though after talking to the girl, I realized there are many incompatibilities, but my parents insisted they will go away.
> 
> Now, the problem was I am a very self-focused person with very few close people to guide me in these situations (actually none). After a while I thought it would be a bad marriage maybe because after talking for a while with the girl, I realized she is extremely imbalanced emotionally, she will cry if I say "we don't have many similarities, should we even consider marrying". So, for some weird reason, I could not just say no and I got married. The saddest part is, from that day, even though I was getting married, I never felt happy. It's so crazy.
> 
> ...


Your poor wife. 

Seems to me you are trying to do the impossible only because your parents are toxic.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What would it cost you to tell your parent to F/O. They care more about impressing themselves and others with sticking to the script than they care about you anyway. If the chick you've married is pretty good (and pretty often) in the sack and her family got money, it ain't bad duty. Of course if she's riding your azz everyday about something, it may not be worth it.


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## Hope4us55123 (Jun 1, 2021)

Being of Indian origin I can appreciate the stress that you are under. 

First and foremost, DO NOT HAVE KIDS now. If she or you think that’s going to solve the problem, it won’t and it will make fixing the situation without complications nearly impossible.

Second, realize there is no perfect spouse. You aren’t perfect and she isn’t either. If you are focusing on just the negative qualities, you are always going to make your life miserable.

Third, give yourself a timeline to take a decision of either to stay in or get out. Don’t keep postponing the decision. Days will become weeks, weeks become months etc. 

Fourth, sounds like you are educated well and come from a family w/ an educated background. My view is that in India, divorce is still highly frowned upon but now it’s not as unusual as it was before. Better to save your life and give her life back to her if that’s the path you decide. You can always come to the US/Europe and find someone there who’s more open minded (I have a family member that did that after divorce in India).

Hope that helps.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It looks like there was something there once, and there could be something again. I have faith in you because your anger is mostly directed where it should be - at your parents, and then yourself. So go with this anger and remove your wife from it. It’s blinding you to what could be a good relationship, potentially.

Don’t stuff this anger down, it’s there and it wants out. Work with it. Your wife is not the enemy, it’s you and your parents, you know this. To be fair to her, she’s not to blame at all, and she’s probably feeling absolutely worthless knowing you feel this way about her, she’s stuck too you know, you have some in common that can make or break you.

Are your parents still involved much in your marriage? Is she right to be complaining about them? Is she right to be complaining about you?

Be really fair and finally make a decision, please don’t let this drag on any longer, your anger is there to push you to change. And that anger will eat you, but you can’t drag another woman into that black hole with you.


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