# Am I being cheated or am I just paranoid?



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

Just joined this website today because I need some advice. 
Just a bit of background. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over 10 years, I’m 32, she’s 28. We don’t have kids and we just built a home which we moved into about 8 months ago, we have spoken about marriage and kids before and both agreed that we don’t need a certificate to show the world we are together and we don’t want kids because they just complicate life.
Anyway. In the past 2 months her behaviour has changed. No I have to go into a bit of detail because if I don’t there to be any bias in what I’m writing. 
It all started shortly after her 28th birthday when she told me “I like hanging around our friends more when you’re not there”, which came as a shock to me at the time but she clarified later by saying that it can be annoying when people look at us as one entity. And I agree, whenever I go over a mates place and they ask where she is it can be annoying. I mean, I came over to watch the football and she hates football so that’s why she’s not here.
Recently on Saturday nights she’s been going out to a sports bar that everyone knows everybody and she comes home at about 5 am. There is a guy she has a fun time with why she’s there, she is not that flirty with him but she spends a lot of time around him and his group of friends at the bar. However last time she came home she said that they brought out the Karaoke and had a great time and I should have been there.
Her phone broke about a month ago and we went and got a replacement, her replacement phone is much better than her old one with all the easy access to facebook and apps. She asked me how to set a password for the phone because she raided a mates facebook page on his phone and put a gay status on it. About a week after that I misplaced my phone in the house so I picked up her phone and asked or the password so I can call it. She snatched the phone off of me and said “why don’t you just ask me to do it” She was painting a wall at the time so I thought she was a little busy. Oh and now she never lets the phone out of her sight. 
A few days ago she said that her back hurts and she was going to take a bath, I offered her a massage (when I say massage I don’t mean for a back rub that leads into sex) and she said “no I’m just going to have a bath”. And off she went to the bath with her phone. She never (like in 10 years NEVER) said no to a massage.
I’ve caught her closing the page on the computer when I walk into the study a few times in the last few months.
She told me about how she’s been messaging that guy I spoke about earlier a lot in the bar and how his girlfriend called her and told her to back off. And how she thought it was funny that his girlfriend was so paranoid. Why would she volunteer this information? For a funny story or is she covering her tracks?
Recently she said that she’s going on a compulsory leave soon for 2 weeks and told me the date. I told her that’s great and I’ll take a week off during that time. She said she’d rather spend it alone because I “had some time alone when the house was built and she wants to do the same”. Yes but I was working on the house during that time off.
She used to talk about long term plans for the house but not anymore. She actually seems a little annoyed now when I bring it up. However she’s getting another tattoo this weekend and told me jokingly that I have to be there to hold her hand. Tattoos are a big part of her life so if she wants me around for that then I guess it’s good.
The sex is the same, hasn’t increased or decreased in quantity and she’s not pulling any new tricks out she could potentially have learned from a new partner.
She used to be very playful. Random tackling, she used to jump on my back without notice and yell something like “YAY PIGGYBACK” but not anymore, not for two months. 
She used to tell me that she loves me every day, even if it was just a text. Not for 2.5 months now. Not once.
Am I being a little paranoid, maybe she’s just forgotten to tell me she loves me? Maybe she is just staying out late doing nothing shonky at night? Maybe she hasn’t cheated but is thinking about it? Should I confront her? And how?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are not paranoid. At the very least she's having a inapropiate relationship with this OM, to put it simple an EA. I hope it's not also PA. His GF caught them and she clearly covered her tracks, tried to gaslights you. You need to start snooping to see the dept of the rabbit hole.

Spyware at the phone, keylog the OC/labtop. Check the phone bill, ig they are still talking, look the hours. A VAR in the car or the right spot might do to deal of getting the evidence your need, one way or the other, before further confrontation.
Meanwhile go low key, don't confront anymore, let her go lazy.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

To many red flags not to call this one guys.

She's cheating.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and velcrow it under her car seat....best tool in the arsonul. Or hire a PI. Key loggers are good and so your GPS but the VAR man...that always gets them.


So gather the undeniable proof and confront, do not confront sooner, she will deny, deny, deny. Act likes nothing wrong and quitely investigate.

After you get the proof then we can help you have a effective confrontation. So do not confront until have the smoking gun. Then confront with a solid plan and tough love approach.

You diserve to protect your self from further deciet and betrayal. You diserve good things and have a right to validate her commitment to you. You diserve to know why you are dealing with the emotional torture by sharing your GF with another man.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW I just picked up my chicks cell and read what I need to know. then the confrontation was on.

But for most its alot harder to get that kind of access.

Remember never reveal your sources when you confront, that tells the wayward not to use to continue the affair


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation but welcome to this site. 

Her secretive behavior clearly shows she's doing stuff she doesn't want you to know about. Which brand phone is she using? You might be able to retrieve her text messages.

When she's not around go on her computer and install a keylogger, it'll help you find any secret email accounts or inappropriate messages sent. Some have free trials so look into it right away.

First thing tomorrow go to wal mart or best buy and buy a voice activated recorder((VAR) and hide it in her car. This will catch the phone calls shell be making in her car, if she is indeed in an affair you'll pick on it right away.

Others will fill in more but do ask any questions you may have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Sadly, those are clear and classic signs of cheating. 

I agree with Acabado... key logger for the computer, check phone bills, checking account records and a VAR in her car.

Sorry you find yourself here.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bb16a said:


> In the past 2 months her behaviour has changed.
> 
> she told me “I like hanging around our friends more when you’re not there”
> 
> ...


She's pretty much spelled out for you that she's totally into this other guy. 

If she wants to be single, she shouldn't be living with you. If she wants you, she shouldn't be acting like she's single. 

Why have you been letting this happen right under your nose?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes absolutely. Especially going out to a bar until 5 am wth guys and you are explicitly not invited. 

Sorry but you need to get a keylogger on the pc and to get into her phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It seems everyone is in aggreement here.

GATHER YOUR EVIDENCE BEFORE YOU CONFRONT!!!!!!!!!!

Do not jump the gun, in confronting this behaviors, you have tolorated for so long in will only seem controlling now. When you get proof then you can start controlling your marriage.

Right now alls you have is inapropreate behaviors and she will surely tell you she "just needs space"...that = I want more time with OM (other man).


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

bb16a said:


> She used to tell me that she loves me every day, even if it was just a text. Not for 2.5 months now. Not once.
> Am I being a little paranoid, maybe she’s just forgotten to tell me she loves me? Maybe she is just staying out late doing nothing shonky at night? Maybe she hasn’t cheated but is thinking about it? Should I confront her? And how?


This is one of the things I noticed with my husband - he stopped saying "I love you". In hindsight, I realized that signaled the beginning of his affair.

I read later, this is a huge red flag for an A. 

Anyway, investigate before you confront. You're aware that somethings not right and your intuition is sadly most often correct in these situations.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Be thankful that you don't have that 'piece of paper' tethering you to her. She was eighteen when you two started dating and I think she's sowing some wild oats that should've been sowed a long time ago. Dislodge yourself from her and move on.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Shaggy, were I come from bars close at 2AM, if that is the case at OP location, then add another huge red flag to the list of many.


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

Actually we do. Its called a mortgage. Lucky we don't have kids.


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

the guy said:


> @Shaggy, were I come from bars close at 2AM, if that is the case at OP location, then add another huge red flag to the list of many.


Where I come from bars are supposed to close at 2am. This is the same bar that I hang out at too and on Saturday nights it can stay open all night. It’s kind of like Cheers, everyone knows each other. Which brings me to the next point, someone would point out to me if they left together. I really doubt that she’s saying she’s at the bar and screwing the OM because that lie would be short lived. I have friends there too. Further to this when she does come home at 5am she smells of booze and cigarettes, OM doesn’t smoke. However the other suspicious behaviour has me worried.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So are you going to investigate and use the VAR?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

If you have an explanation for her acts, then why are you here ?? she don't have to leave with him dude, they can go out to the damn backseat. YOU know she is cheating. Your guts are telling you that. So knock off the crap, and catch her. An a mortgage is nothing to cry about. In this economic climate, defaulting won't hurt no longer than 6 months. Even foreclosures are cleaning up their credit score in 6 mo's, so don't let a mortgage keep you with a cheater.

If it was me, I would throw her computer, phone, and clothes out the window, and tell her she can pick them up on the way out of my life. But I know you don't have what it takes for that, so just do as the VETs say. 1.VAR, 2. keylogger.

And for heaven sakes don't say anything before you have the proof.

By the way, if she is cheating, is that a deal breaker ??


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

the guy said:


> So are you going to investigate and use the VAR?


Sure will. Theres some really cool apps you can download for your phone. I'll leave my phone at home, hidden and see what happens.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oldest play in the book: you leave first and I'll meet you outside in 5 min. So don't assume because your known there that they can t easily meet up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think if she stayed out with her GFs without any guys until 5am on a Saturday night there would be a big problem. Why would she not be spending that time with you OR sleeping so she could spend Sunday with you instead of sleeping. This is bad for your relationship.

Now add another man that she is interested in that she hangs out with.

Then the other redflags.

WTH are you doing at this time? Sitting home alone?

UFB.

Sorry that piece of paper you don;t need to tell other people you are together ... you actually needed it seems.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It seems to me the bar is just the old affair foreplay pit "lets fool all these poeple, little do they know......how exciting, lets meet later"

The reason I know this is b/c Iv'e been there. fWW told me it went as far as OM meeting my fWW in the women bathroom at *our* watering hole.

It adds to the excitement.....almost getting caught by friends. The husband is easy, he has blind trust, but keeping it from friends thats a whole different leave of taboo.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

THANK GOD!!!!!!

You will be best served by protecting your right to no longer be lied to and betrayed.

Be careful what you *might* hear will be painful and you want to react. calm down and get educated on the most effective way to confront so it has the most impact for your individual case.

Granted all affairs have the same script.

So be prepared. Depending on what you hear and the question you want to ask this will give us a better idea in what her responses will be.

there is alway alot of blameshifting...know what that is?


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

Ok for a second lets put the bar out of the question. The alibies are air tight, even some of my bets buddies are there and they will make a post on facebook the next day about how they didn’t get to bed until early. She cannot run off with him to the toilets, it would be too hard. Her laptop and my computer are clean, also nothing on facebook or her emails, I’ve checked the history and cookies and there is nothing interesting besides shopping sites (she’s not that savvy with computers). Maybe she’s simply doing too much shopping and thinks that I think she’s wasting money (which I don’t give half a rats about). I did get a glimpse once and she was closing down ebay where there was dresses. It’s the new secretive phone habits (she used to wake up in the morning and take a shower, her old phone was always unlocked and left on the bedside table). New phone, even though it has a password she still takes it out of the room. Maybe she might get an early morning phone call or text she doesn’t want me to know about. That and the whole not being affectionate thing. She is stressed at work which she tells me about --- not working longer hours than usual--- actually, she’s left between 10-20 minutes early every day this week saying she has to start early--- maybe that gives her an opportunity to have ‘hot text time’ with OM --- but I digress. What if her increased alcohol consumption and staying out late is due to work stress? Still, I need to get my paws on that phone. Any ideas how…. And then how to unlock it?


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> If you have an explaination for her acts, then why are you here ?? she don't have to leave with him dude, they can go out to the damn backseat. YOU know she is cheating. Your guts are telling you that. So knock off the crap, and catch her. An a mortgage is nothing to cry about. In this economic climate, defaulting won't hurt no longer than 6 months. Even foreclosures are cleaning up their credit score in 6 mo's, so don't let a mortgage keep you with a cheater.
> 
> If it was me, I would throw her computer, phone, and clothes out the window, and tell her she can pick them up on the way out of my life. But I know you don't have what it takes for that, so just do as the VETs say. 1.VAR, 2. keylogger.
> 
> ...


Yes if she is cheating that is a deal breaker. Problem is this, my friends are her friends. The mortgage we have are at the bank that I happen to work for... as a debt collector. So you see why I want her to be clean. It will put my friendships and job in jepordy. Lucky enough we are in advance on the mortgage by about 6 months and it has plenty of equity.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya that access is tough, you are waiting for some radom time she forgets to unlock it. Also if for some chance you get a few seconds you can try to guess the PW. My fWW would fall a spleep in the middle of a text session, you know 3-4 AM with a good drunk on and she is saying good night to OM and texting back and forth then she passed out, I was able to slip the cell out, I waited an hour after she got into a deep sleep. This took me 2 weeks for this to happen.

The VAR works b/c she can have a talk with OM or a confidont on her drive to work. you would be suprised what they say when they think no one can hear them.

I mean the simplest thing like your wife talking to a friend about how guilty she feels doing what she is doing, or "I think he knows somethings up" will give you the confidence that your right and you need to be diligent with your investigation, even hiring a PI after hearing something that incriminating. to find out who and were.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

There you go making excuses again. Have you read any threads here ?? Ppl have been giving you the wisdom they got from bitter expierence. After ten years, if I wanted to see her phone, I damn sure wouldn't be scared to ask. In fact, I would have called her as3 on the phone stuck in her hand by now. What kind of phone is it. Does she ever back it up on the computer ?? In fact, what have you done to put this thing to rest ?? Youv'e been given advice on how to snoop, and forget that privacy issue. There is only bathroom privacy in a relationships. And even then, I bet you both have been in there at the same time. So either you take steps to get to the bottom of this, or wait for the other shoe to drop.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok, not saying friends know, but, everyone you call a friend may not be. You feel me ?? Some friends hold petty lil grievences and never say a thing. But they may not have even noticed. 

As for the mortgage, hey, you are on the team, refi if it goes south. Until you takes steps to talk to her or investigate, you are not doing yourself any favors.


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Ok, not saying friends know, but, everyone you call a friend may not be. You feel me ?? Some friends hold petty lil grievences and never say a thing. But they may not have even noticed.
> 
> As for the mortgage, hey, you are on the team, refi if it goes south. Until you takes steps to talk to her or investigate, you are not doing yourself any favors.


Cheers and all but I think the direct "YOU CHEATING LYING *****!" approach will end the relationship. I will investigate using the VAR and perhaps tell her a (made up) story tonight about how two workmates had an affair with each other behind their wifes / husbands back, got busted and now its very messy and see what her reaction is like. Drop a couple of jokes in there about cheaters and see if she finds them funny. I'll start with that sort of stuff this week and next week use the VAR.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

get her passwords and accounts. She might have multiple accounts. What phone does she have ?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So your joke gets some response, so what, tomorow she calls OM up in her car and tells him you might be on to them so they cool off for a while.

Not a good plan enless you joke about cheating alot, and beside your friends are her friends, whats the point? she will ask who.
You need to be alot more stealthy then looking for a half @ss response that in the end will just keep you in the dark while you second guess your self in what her reaction really ment.

Go get some real and solid responses when she thinks you can't hear her by planting the VAR now!!!!

QUIT PLAYING AROUND WITH YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!!


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I thought you said cheating was a deal breaker. So the relationship would be over anyway. But do it your way, I'll be here for the entertainment value. REALLY tho, I do hope she is not cheating.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
Do it your way, but I see no point.

Get something solid, something thats "black and white"


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

There's none so blind than he who will not see. Fvck the mortgage. Your house is not a home when your wife is acting like a single wh*re. The entire bar knows what's going on. Forget the VAR and keylogger. Throw her shiite out and move on. (By the way, what the hell was a 22 year old doing with an 18-year old anyway. If you had come around my daughter I would've had some serious words with you.)


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BB

Listen to THE GUY and the rest of the crew. You will find out soon enough what your GF is up to if you are patient and do not tip your hand.

Do not make up any cheating stories to judge her reaction. She will know you are lying.

Tell us what phone she is currently using.

Lay low. Get access to her phone and plant a few vars in the bedroom, living room and wherever else she talks in the house.

You have to be stealthy or you will never find out what is going on until it is too late.

HM64


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> It all started shortly after her 28th birthday when she told me “I like hanging around our friends more when you’re not there”, which came as a shock to me at the time but she clarified later by saying that it can be annoying when people look at us as one entity. And I agree, whenever I go over a mates place and they ask where she is it can be annoying.


However, you didn't say this openly to your GF did you? It's a weird thing to say. What was her point? To get you to go less with her?



> Recently on Saturday nights she’s been going out to a sports bar that everyone knows everybody and she comes home at about 5 am.


Why is your GF going alone? There trust, then there is being a fool. You talk about your friends being there and all. That's fine, if you expect your GF to cheat on you right there on a table or something. It doesn't happen that way. The most people will see is a vanilla flirt, perhaps some innocent looking messaging or whatever. 

The hot and heavy will happen when everybody goes home. You say she will be arriving at 5am and that your friends are there too. But what if she leaves 15 minutes earlier? That's all that's needed for a rushing quickie. 

AND (this is a big and) everyone and their mother can know something is up and still nobody tells you because they don't want to deal with it. Just look at yourself. Would you tell an acquaintance that you suspected his wife was cheating on him based on some flirtatious behavior? No you wouldn't. 

In sum, you sure need to ****block some more man. Even if nothing is happening you are just leaving an open field. Some of the guys you "know" and who you are trusting to tell you if something is up can be just lining up for their turn at it (i know, it's a rough thing to say, but don't think it doesn't happen).



> There is a guy she has a fun time with why she’s there, she is not that flirty with him but she spends a lot of time around him and his group of friends at the bar. However last time she came home she said that they brought out the Karaoke and had a great time and I should have been there.


But if you were she wouldn't have as much fun?



> About a week after that I misplaced my phone in the house so I picked up her phone and asked or the password so I can call it. She snatched the phone off of me and said “why don’t you just ask me to do it” She was painting a wall at the time so I thought she was a little busy. Oh and now she never lets the phone out of her sight.


You left her off way too easy on this one? This is one of those WTF moments... In your boots the paranoid me would go territorial animal on her. Why the hell can't i use your phone? What are you hiding? Give me your pass...

You kinda lost a precious moment right here.



> She told me about how she’s been messaging that guy I spoke about earlier a lot in the bar and how his girlfriend called her and told her to back off. And how she thought it was funny that his girlfriend was so paranoid. Why would she volunteer this information?


That's easy... The next step would be for the girlfriend to tell YOU... So she preemptively painted the other girl as "paranoid", in order to have you discredit her. 

Contact the OM's girlfriend. Find out what she knows. She can be ahead of you in this.

And be as it may, put a stop to this "friendship" right now. And do note the "". You're a guy, introspect yourself, do you have close good looking female friends? And by friends i mean people in which you have no erotic interest in. If you're honest about it with yourself think on what is going on in the OM's head. Do you think he is sniffing around your GF because he wants a "friend"? Do you have an answer? There you go...

You should have stopped this stuff whenever you detected it. Your primal self was saying to get this wanker to back off. Instead, possibly influenced by new age touchy feely woman's guidebook for how a man should act, you decided to be all cool about it and whatnot. 

Right now you need to get some serious surveillance going on. Or, if it is at all possible, if you have a guy friend who you can trust 100% you can try to ask him if he will try and find out stuff for you or if he knows something already. There are many situations in which a good friend can save a lot of time. The husband/boyfriend is the last to know but his buddy often isn't.


----------



## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

bb16a said:


> Oh and now she never lets the phone out of her sight.


This is how my story started. If she wants to password protect her phone, it should be to protect it from other people, not from you. If you don't know the password and she is very protective of her phone, then it's probably because she is hiding something on it.

My wife became very protective of her phone and kept it close to her all the time. The amount of text messages she was sending tripled. She was having an EA. Read my threads if you want more details about my story.

The Oprah site has a good description of an EA (emotional affair) and when I read these points I knew my wife was involved in one.

EA: What is An Emotional Affair? - Oprah.com

Sorry to hear about your situation.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

There's a reason why OM's GF told your GF to back off and leave the guy alone. You need to pay attention to this. There's something going on for sure.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

contact the OM's gf and ask her what she knows


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

Update. I followed advice and didn’t tell any jokes or stories about cheating. (Sorry about the time difference but I live in Australia. Last night she went over her mother’s place for about 15 minutes (I know this because her mother lives next door) and left her phone in her handbag at home. Got the password on the second attempt (birth year backwards) and checked all of her conversations for the past month (since she got the phone) with “OM”. Turns out there was nothing suspect in the conversations. Random dribble about how other people are retards, helping organise his brothers birthday party. I had a look at the other conversations too I even remember the time she refused the massage and elected to take a bath instead. She was chatting to a girlfriends about the GF work issues. No comments about our relationship to anyone (we are both pretty private when it comes to talking about our relationship to people – until now for me). Such a relief…. But that still didn’t explain why she’s been so distant for about 2 months. When she got home we ate dinner watched a bit of TV and did some housework, I told her I love her 3 times and got nothing back, maybe half a sorry smile once. She went to bed and I went to bed about 5 minutes later gave her a hug and told her I loved her again and got a ‘hhmmmm’ for a response so I asked her ‘do you love me’ and got a massive annoyed sigh so I got out of bed and left the room to sleep on the couch. She came out and we talked for about 2 hours. Long story short she doesn’t love me any more, we have too much in common, doesn’t know if she can ever love me again. I haven’t been paying attention to her for some over 6 months (nice of her to tell me, as far as I know I’ve been working relentlessly on our home to make it more liveable for her design). Apparently she didn’t want me doing that but instead going out with her (admittedly we barely went out just us two in the last 6 months). So I thought she wanted me to do things around the home but in actual fact she wanted to spend time out with me. Then she hit a point where she thought “well if he doesn’t care then why should I”. I’m male, I don’t get cryptic hints. So we slept on it in separate rooms and when I finished having a shower this morning she has already gone to work. I’m confident that she hasn’t cheated on me but with the experiences / attention she gets with “OM” and his mates makes her feel like a single female when I’m “not around”. I was at the stage of my life where I thought I had finally made it with the woman I love and the house after working so hard. Then is all comes crumbling down. Devastated.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you consider that she deletes the nasty texts as she gets them?

Her explanation really doesn't make any sense unless there is an OM in the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Did you consider that she deletes the nasty texts as she gets them?
> 
> Her explanation really doesn't make any sense unless there is an OM in the picture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. The too much in common part (We both like, metal music, tattoos, scifi and other stuff we can do together). This guy is nothing like that, actually pretty opposite. I think she thinks she has a good chance with him or someone like him, we’ve been together for 10 years. She’s probably become bored of me and is looking for a complete opposite. It’s irrelevant now though, I think it’s over and all I’m doing right now is trying to hold it together. The funniest thing is I’m concerned about her, if I move out and take half of the proceeds of the house (which I fully intend to do, I’ve worked to hard just to walk away) she will be done for, she won’t be able to afford the house on her own and find that she is in a rutt anyway. And if she does end up hooking up with this other guy (who is a dodgy as hell) their relationship will be born out of mistrust and infidelity anyway. It won’t be long before he cheats on her.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have you considered following her one night she's out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

keko said:


> Have you considered following her one night she's out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. Whats the point? Doesn't make the final result any different. I need to concentrate on myself and not be a retard stalker ex-boyfriend.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sounds to me that she already has another thing lined up. Let's get real now. She outright says she doesn't love you anymore and these complains about not spending enough time together and whatnot are just now being outed by her?

Ending a 10 year relationship like that? Just out of the blue? When her economic situation ain't so good? Sound incredibly fishy...

Anyway it is irrelevant now. You need to get yourself on your feet. Part ways and shop around!


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Sounds to me that she already has another thing lined up. Let's get real now. She outright says she doesn't love you anymore and these complains about not spending enough time together and whatnot are just now being outed by her?
> 
> Ending a 10 year relationship like that? Just out of the blue? When her economic situation ain't so good? Sound incredibly fishy...
> 
> Anyway it is irrelevant now. You need to get yourself on your feet. Part ways and shop around!


She never said a word. It does sound like she has something else lined up. The economic climate isn't as bad in Australia as in the US and Europe so if we sell the house I should still get a decent sum to place a deposit down on another less expensive house / unit. It’s everything else that goes with it though. Losing (what I thought was) my soul mate. A rift in the friendship group and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong I will most likely be ousted. There is the mortgage and 10 years worth of stuff to sort out, we have a dog but I cannot take him with me to a unit. You don’t need to be married to have all the problems that a divorce brings.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

counseling?


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> counseling?


I suggested that last night but she didn’t want to. Just like that, someone above wrote something which I should have done. Hung out with her when she was out to make everyone else know that she’s taken. The thing is though that can be counterproductive, being a helicopter partner can lead someone away quicker.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

bb16a said:


> She never said a word. It does sound like she has something else lined up. The economic climate isn't as bad in Australia as in the US and Europe so if we sell the house I should still get a decent sum to place a deposit down on another less expensive house / unit. It’s everything else that goes with it though. Losing (what I thought was) my soul mate. A rift in the friendship group and it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong I will most likely be ousted. There is the mortgage and 10 years worth of stuff to sort out, we have a dog but I cannot take him with me to a unit. You don’t need to be married to have all the problems that a divorce brings.


I would say to try and get counseling, but when someone just goes at you like that saying that there is no more love. Dry and short... I don't see much chance. For counseling to work you need to have both working on it. One partner doesn't make a relationship.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

bb16a said:


> I suggested that last night but she didn’t want to. Just like that, someone above wrote something which I should have done. Hung out with her when she was out to make everyone else know that she’s taken. The thing is though that can be counterproductive, being a helicopter partner can lead someone away quicker.


Only when that person doesn't want to be around anymore. Then, what exactly is the loss? You just save time, money and effort.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I thing all this 6mo unhappy, I wanted this (albeit I never told) but you did that sound very fishy. I think it's bul**** as a matter of fact. I think she wants to test the waters now things seemed too serious with the house, etc. You need to detatch and start not being predictable.
I'm pretty sure next week she will recant all of this.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

bb16a said:


> No. Whats the point? Doesn't make the final result any different. I need to concentrate on myself and not be a retard stalker ex-boyfriend.


You came to this site asking for help finding whether your gf was cheating or not. Your latest update didn't prove she was cheating although there are plenty of red flags.


----------



## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

bb, we had mutual friends who knew and never told me. That means nothing. Sorry your hear but the others are right.


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

I'm The Prize said:


> bb, we had mutual friends who knew and never told me. That means nothing. Sorry your hear but the others are right.


Right now I just want to concentrate on myself. There are about 50 odd mutual friends that hang out at this pub. Something will slip eventually if anyone knew about something that may have been going on and it will come back to me. We all know of stories of infidelity in friendship groups if indeed there was something going on I will find out in time. It always comes out in time.
You put your life on hold when search for answers to a bottom line question that’s been answered.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

There's no point in counseling. Given that she was clear about not being in love with you anymore chances are she's not coming back to you unless the OM cheats on her. [but by then it'll be too late].


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> There's no point in counseling. Given that she was clear about not being in love with you anymore chances are she's not coming back to you unless the OM cheats on her. [but by then it'll be too late].


Indeed. And when relationships are formed out of infidelity they are almost certainly doomed to fail.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

RUN don't walk from this woman. The house made it real for her. She is thinking she should have had more fun before settling. House, then kids. Now a married mother with nothing to look forward to but nappies and burping. Its rough bro, but you sound like me now, and thats a GOOD thing, Detach and stack your paper. You are still young. She is one of those that regret sooner or later that they didn't date enough while young. I can gaurantee that she would have cheated within 5yrs. of having a child. Seen it tooooooooo many times. You working on the house instead of partying every night scared her. THINK BABIES NEXT !! So she thinks she want out now. But I wouldn't be surprise if she try to come back after a few week. Thats AFTER she has tried out OM an maybe a couple of others, and see all her hard work an investment going down the drain. Don't you think her mom is not going to give her hell for letting you get away ?? You said cheating is a deal breaker. Well it won't be cheating if you are not together, so will you take her back. HELL YEAH you will, and try to knock her up, to hold on to her. Just looking ahead for you Bro. So print this and read it when it happen. You have gotten a preview from an OLD WOLF. So if she comes to you in a week an say lets try again. NOT !!! Don't believe me?? Then have a couple of friends keep an eye on her afterward, then see how long before she approach you. Bet it be before the house is sold. If she will do this after you have built this together, whats to stop her from doing it when you have even more invested ?? RUN Bro, don't walk.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Why is the haste in coming to conclusion now?

You should wait, and observe.
WAIT.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> RUN don't walk from this woman. The house made it real for her. She is thinking she should have had more fun before settling. House, then kids. Now a married mother with nothing to look forward to but nappies and burping. Its rough bro, but you sound like me now, and thats a GOOD thing, Detach and stack your paper. You are still young. She is one of those that regret sooner or later that they didn't date enough while young. I can gaurantee that she would have cheated within 5yrs. of having a child. Seen it tooooooooo many times. You working on the house instead of partying every night scared her. THINK BABIES NEXT !! So she thinks she want out now. But I wouldn't be surprise if she try to come back after a few week. Thats AFTER she has tried out OM an maybe a couple of others, and see all her hard work an investment going down the drain. Don't you think her mom is not going to give her hell for letting you get away ?? You said cheating is a deal breaker. Well it won't be cheating if you are not together, so will you take her back. HELL YEAH you will, and try to knock her up, to hold on to her. Just looking ahead for you Bro. So print this and read it when it happen. You have gotten a preview from an OLD WOLF. So if she comes to you in a week an say lets try again. NOT !!! Don't believe me?? Then have a couple of friends keep an eye on her afterward, then see how long before she approach you. Bet it be before the house is sold. If she will do this after you have built this together, whats to stop her from doing it when you have even more invested ?? RUN Bro, don't walk.


:iagree:

This right here... She wants a free pass to shop around as much as she wants and then, if it doesn't work out she'll come back to you. You're the official backup now...


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Why is the haste in coming to conclusion now?
> 
> You should wait, and observe.
> WAIT.


wait for what?
what's the point?
It's not that he's considering R at this point.


----------



## bb16a (Jul 18, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> wait for what?
> what's the point?
> It's not that he's considering R at this point.


Sorry not familiar with the lingo here. What does R mean?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Reconciliation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Concentrate on you like you are doing bb. That will help some to hold it together. We know it hard man, but I feel you are a winner. You are still YOUNG man, so only you can stop you, and I don't see that happening.

Read "Just Let Them Go", and work the 180. You have my Best Wishes and Prayers BB.


----------

