# Husband depends on me to provide for the home



## Adoo (Jan 8, 2013)

We have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband never provides money for the home. He sometimes cooks and cleans, (when he likes) and fixes things around the house (he is very handy) but never bothers to go out and get a job. He is not even involved in making serious decisions. He just mostly agrees with whatever I bring up. 

He sits down and lets things take care of themselves. I think he would like to be a provider but too lazy to get up and go. I have always been the one putting food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yet, he is an engineer.

We recently moved to a new country and have been spending a lot of money. There are lots of things to do and a lot of adjusting to do - New schools for kids, bills, house, food, etc. Yet he would not even discuss things. I am frantically looking for a job and he just sits down in front of the TV and only looks at job references and links I pass to him. I am beginning to hate him for this.

Please what do you suggest I do?


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## InMySkin (Jan 8, 2013)

While we cannot control the actions of others, we can certainly control how we interact with them. He is being lazy and shiftless because you have allowed him to be. 

My suggestion is to SHOW him that him not contributing financially to the household will no longer be tolerated. You can give him a time frame to make the change. If he doesn't put forth an ounce of effort to position himself to obtain the resources to be able to contribute, as he has done for years, put him out and let him fend for himself, since that seems to be about whom he is most concerned. 

You have children to provide for and raise. Doesn't make sense to do this for an abled bodied, grown man...


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Two things strike me. 1) 10 years and he has never been the breadwinner or a contributor. That's going to be a tough precedent to break. But if you are the sole provider, I guess you need to decide why you need him. 

2) You probably have a reason, but curious why you would move to an entirely different country without a job already lined up (for you I mean)?


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

Adoo said:


> We have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband never provides money for the home. He sometimes cooks and cleans, (when he likes) and fixes things around the house (he is very handy) but never bothers to go out and get a job. He is not even involved in making serious decisions. He just mostly agrees with whatever I bring up.
> 
> He sits down and lets things take care of themselves. I think he would like to be a provider but too lazy to get up and go. I have always been the one putting food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yet, he is an engineer.
> 
> ...


Thank Gloria Alred or any of the other feminists who've shaped the double-standard of men. 

That said, I believe BOTH partners should contribute. It's just interesting how a woman can see the outcome completely different when SHE'S the one whose the breadwinner.....


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

I suggest you keep your family intact and use various ways to inspire him to work they are many ways to make money without working for a company such as making cakes, fixing local people computers and driving instructing which is easier to start than getting into a job plus nowadays most jobs although advertised as permanent last only for 1 year until Aprils budget is announced.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

pb76no said:


> But if you are the sole provider, I guess you need to decide why you need him.


Okay wow this is so bad and ill-mannered I can't comprehend. So what, every man who is the sole provider for their home should up and leave?

What happened to equality?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Adoo said:


> We have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband never provides money for the home. He sometimes cooks and cleans, (when he likes) and fixes things around the house (he is very handy) but never bothers to go out and get a job. He is not even involved in making serious decisions. He just mostly agrees with whatever I bring up.
> 
> He sits down and lets things take care of themselves. I think he would like to be a provider but too lazy to get up and go. I have always been the one putting food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yet, he is an engineer.
> 
> ...


You're getting a lot of crap here, so I'm going to clarify something.

Does he do nothing? Who takes care of the home and kids? Cooks meals? All the other stuff that goes along with maintaining a household?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, this thread is getting interesting. It is rather a double standard isn't it?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

In all fairness, if this is happening in my country, the man would have been yelled at by both sides of the clan (both by his parents and his in-laws) GO GET A JOB YOU USELESS TWIT! or something like that. In my country, and many Southeast Asian countries, there is still a big taboo of husband doing nothing and the wife doing all the works. At least the husband must do something in his spare time to prove his worth as a man. Even if by doing low-class job such as being part-time security guard, or doing courier job, etc.

But I thought in Western countries, everything should have been more equal between husband and wife, no? I thought it is OK for the female side to be breadwinner? Or was I mistaken?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

If this has been happening for 10 years, I assume you had a great job and was able to allow him to be a SAHD? Or did he just recently get laid off from the financial crisis of 2008?

You are kinda just throwing your husband of 10 years under the bus here, we need more background so people on here can give you better advice.


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## ngonza (Nov 8, 2012)

I was in a similiar situation..20+ years together I was the provider .He worked many jobs but always got laid off.. Then he collected Unemp. It ran out. He watched me stress over finances and never got up to look for a job after 2 years it really got hard paying the rent and all. Yes it's okay for him to stay home and be the househusband...but you need to be able to make enough money to survive the cost of living. I was not making it and I kicked him out!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have been in almost the exact same position for 20 years now. I earn all the money. My spouse doesn't care about finding a job.

What should I do? 

Only difference is I am a man.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dreald said:


> Thank Gloria Alred or any of the other feminists who've shaped the double-standard of men.
> 
> That said, I believe BOTH partners should contribute. It's just interesting how a woman can see the outcome completely different when SHE'S the one whose the breadwinner.....


How did Gloria Alred and other feminists "shape the double-standard of men"?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have been in almost the exact same position for 20 years now. I earn all the money. My spouse doesn't care about finding a job.
> 
> What should I do?
> 
> Only difference is I am a man.


Is she a SAHM? 

Do you agree with her being unemployed or is this a unilateral decision she made?

If you do not agree with her not having a job, why do you stay with her?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I posted because of the double standard. The answers to your questions in regards to my situation aren't really pertinent to the OP. But I will answer anyway.



EleGirl said:


> Is she a SAHM?


 YES



> Do you agree with her being unemployed or is this a unilateral decision she made?


 I did while the kids were young. I would rather she was working now that the youngest is 16.



> If you do not agree with her not having a job, why do you stay with her?


 Good question. No good answer. Mostly because I love her and because I don't want to give up half of everything we have.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Okay wow this is so bad and ill-mannered I can't comprehend. So what, every man who is the sole provider for their home should up and leave?
> 
> What happened to equality?


The OP specifically stated "He sometimes cooks and cleans, (when he likes)" so I get the distinct impression he doesn't contribute much. If he is the SAHD and handles those responsibilities, then I stand corrected. I was just going based on her post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Adoo said:


> We have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. My husband never provides money for the home. He sometimes cooks and cleans, (when he likes) and fixes things around the house (he is very handy) but never bothers to go out and get a job. He is not even involved in making serious decisions. He just mostly agrees with whatever I bring up. He sits down and lets things take care of themselves. I think he would like to be a provider but too lazy to get up and go. I have always been the one putting food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yet, he is an engineer. We recently moved to a new country and have been spending a lot of money. There are lots of things to do and a lot of adjusting to do - New schools for kids, bills, house, food, etc. Yet he would not even discuss things. I am frantically looking for a job and he just sits down in front of the TV and only looks at job references and links I pass to him. I am beginning to hate him for this.
> 
> Please what do you suggest I do?


That's easy. Kick the lazy bum out on the street. You sure as hell won't be MISSING anything with him gone, and you'll have less to clean, less to cook, and you'll end up with money left over. Why would you allow this in the first place?! I hope to God you don't GIVE him any of your money.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have been in almost the exact same position for 20 years now. I earn all the money. My spouse doesn't care about finding a job.
> 
> What should I do?


Stop giving her any money. Pay the bills and the grocery bill and tell her if she wants anything else, she knows how to apply for a job. Are you afraid of doing this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I posted because of the double standard. The answers to your questions in regards to my situation aren't really pertinent to the OP. But I will answer anyway.
> 
> YES
> 
> ...


She has not worked for more than 16 years right? It's really hard to even get a job for anything but minimum wage after that much time.

Could she go back to school to start back into the work force?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Okay wow this is so bad and ill-mannered I can't comprehend. So what, every man who is the sole provider for their home should up and leave?
> 
> What happened to equality?


From her post it sounds like he is not doing what a SAHM/D is expected to do on a regular basis. If this is true he is not contributing to the family.

For one spouse to be a SAHM/D both spouses need to agree on it. She does not agree with him not working. It's not fair for him to unilaterally make such a decision.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She has not worked for more than 16 years right? It's really hard to even get a job for anything but minimum wage after that much time.
> 
> Could she go back to school to start back into the work force?


I need to apologize to the OP! 

I am in a bad mood and threw in an unfair comment. My situation is different as my wife is a SAHM, but does work hard around the house. 

To the OP, you have every reason to feel the way you do. If we didn't have enough money to live comfortably or if my wife was just sitting around doing very little, I would be after her as well.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

john_lord_b3 said:


> In all fairness, if this is happening in my country, the man would have been yelled at by both sides of the clan (both by his parents and his in-laws) GO GET A JOB YOU USELESS TWIT! or something like that. In my country, and many Southeast Asian countries, there is still a big taboo of husband doing nothing and the wife doing all the works. At least the husband must do something in his spare time to prove his worth as a man. Even if by doing low-class job such as being part-time security guard, or doing courier job, etc.
> 
> But I thought in Western countries, everything should have been more equal between husband and wife, no? I thought it is OK for the female side to be breadwinner? Or was I mistaken?


No, the taboo is the same everywhere, men are expected to be the bacon bringers. Western countries especially the US and Australia are very multicultural as well. For me it's inbued; as a man I can not do nothing while my wife earns the money.

In society men are also intimidated by a woman who earns more than him and drilled to be bacon bringers while at the same time many women don't generally accept anyone who earns less than them as they don't consider them "financially stable". I found the whole materialist game very disappointing.

The new generation of Australians seem more laid back with this (except in Sydney, rat race city, EVERYONE's about the money; people butter me up all the time trying to get a piece of the action in my business.) But for non-Anglo Australians the taboo runs strong even with each new generation. In the end I've always worked for my money and refuse to let a woman have THAT much power over me but at the same time it makes me wonder really about all this materialism and double standards.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I seem to think there are far too many posts like this OP that are trolls.

The conspiracy theorist in me say its the operators of TAM that are trying to keep the board lively.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wah? I don't see any troll fu with OP

If she is a troll then:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> I seem to think there are far too many posts like this OP that are trolls.
> 
> The conspiracy theorist in me say its the operators of TAM that are trying to keep the board lively.


HM? Why do you think the OP is a troll? What about this does not seem real?


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## braveheart2009 (Mar 25, 2009)

Adoo you should try different ways to encourage him to take half or even quarter of the responsibility as its your home and your children as well. I think the notion of men have to provide 100% of the time is gone now and i read that women who are intelligent with good looks have an edge on men nowadays.


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