# "Good" sex



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ladies, what do you consider good or great sex? Nothing explicit please. Just what makes you feel satisfied or overjoyed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Connection.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Confidence and enthusiasm


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Variety for me


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Passion, connection..........


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Time.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Confidence, patience, and love.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Soul diving connection


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Based on most of these responses, casual sex or a ONS cannot be good sex?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

It took H and I a few years to get to a really good place sexually, I can't imagine a one night stand would do anything for me. To show somebody new exactly how to touch you takes time, how would that happen in such a short time? I guess I never understood the appeal of a ONS.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Based on most of these responses, casual sex or a ONS cannot be good sex?


Sure it can.

There can be a terrific sexual connection between virtual strangers.

Some people would not be able to connect that way but many can.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

A friend of mine just recently got married. She's had many different sexual partners, and physically enjoyed sex with all of them. But her now husband was the first one who _made love_ to her she said, which I definitely think is the difference between good sex on a ONS, and good sex in a relationship.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Mind-blowing multiple orgasms.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Although I have whined I wanted my husband to be a bit more aggressive with me.. I really have nothing to complain about.. I am very satisfied, this is why I want to repeat it just about every night....










Good sex to me.. is feeling emotionally entangled with your lover....your feeling their desire (this is passion- it doesn't have to be rough, it can be tender & slow hand, you feel it in his kisses)....a little erotic teasing.. this I do...

The pleasure builds....to where you can't take it anymore ...Oh if you could only make it last all night...but some things can't be contained ....and we orgasm together.. ..there is no greater High (emotional or physical -it even seems spiritual) over these moments...

Then laying in each others arms (the afterglow)...here we get a little mushy...some joking too... I just drained him of all of his TEST...so I know it won't be long till he is OUT !....and I'm thinking.. darn I wish we could do that all over again!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Thound said:


> Ladies, what do you consider good or great sex? Nothing explicit please. Just what makes you feel satisfied or overjoyed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Completely depends on my mood. Sorry, not much help, I know.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Great answers. Thanks. I kind of feel depressed about them though. I have been and I am still trying to make that connection, but so far it's just not happening. Thanks again for the replies.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know your story Thound...but why can't you two connect? Did you used to? Is it because she won't connect with you, or is it both of you not allowing it?


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Good sex? Begins with good kissing, loving words, and looking into each other's eyes. Connecting heart to heart and soul to soul and body to body. Knowing that I am doing everything I can to make him feel loved, secure, and satisfied. Loving him with every fiber of my being...and when he does all the same things for me....*that is GREAT sex*!


Yes it is!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Thound said:


> I kind of feel depressed about them though.


I hear you, Thound....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't know your story Thound...but why can't you two connect? Did you used to? Is it because she won't connect with you, or is it both of you not allowing it?


 Some of his story here.... I just looked myself...

Really feel like giving up 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...eed-some-tips.html]Really feel like giving up



Thound said:


> Most of you know me and my story. Things are not great in my life and I need someone that loves me. I have tried to get close to my wife for years now but to no avail. I give up.
> 
> There is a woman I have known for many years, and I know she is unhappy with her marriage too. I need some tips on how to get close to her so that she will see that I am Mr. Right. I will treat her better than her husband ever did. I want to be able to hold her close every night and feel loved. I want to be there for her thru every lifes obstacles. I want her to know I am there for her.
> 
> ...


That was so heartfelt.. .this thread has to be crushing for you...when it's what you crave the most ...

What do you feel is the root of this disconnection.. is their built up resentment over the years... (could be over anything)...you mentioned feeling abandoned & alone for 12 yrs now... I seen you are a christian and could not/ would not leave your marriage..not fair to the children... and you made a vow... I often wonder how anyone can stand through this.. I wouldn't be able to do it! ... If there is a God, it was never intended to BE like this with those we vowed to love & cherish.....you know the scriptures on this.. (I Cor 7 :4-5)...



> The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


I think these are beautiful marital scriptures to live by...but I've always felt it was scape-goatish to blame the temptation on Satan... I tend to feel the rejecting unaffectionate / pushing away spouse is the cause of the temptation..they have dishonored their vows .. ya know. 

Does she understand or comprehend just how MUCH you are suffering right now ??


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

We didn't have good sex until I had therapy and was able to be open with my husband with no fear of shame, pressure, anger, expectations, or dismissal of my anxiety.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sure it can.
> 
> There can be a terrific sexual connection between virtual strangers.
> 
> Some people would not be able to connect that way but many can.


Not having ever done something like that, I have to ask.

If it is that great, why would you not want to make it way more than a ONS if that happens?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Passion, physically obvious undeniable desire.

This can be had with a complete stranger or a lover you've had for decades.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> Not having ever done something like that, I have to ask.
> 
> If it is that great, why would you not want to make it way more than a ONS if that happens?


Sometimes it's circumstance.

Some of my best lovers were women who didn't live near me and were only available for a very short time.

Sometimes it's standards, a ONS or fling might be the sexiest hottest person you've ever known but really wouldn't make good relationship material for any number of reasons.

Personal situation, there have been times in my life I knew I wasn't ready for any type of commitment and just wanted to enjoy a bit of intimacy.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Thound said:


> *Ladies,* what do you consider good or great sex? _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

To answer the OP, good sex for me fills my heart as well as fulfills my sexual needs. Afterwards I am either completely relaxed and ready for sleep or if it is morning or daytime sex then it put a huge smile on my face so I can then go on with the rest of the day feeling happy.

As for ONS or casual sex, I have had plenty of good sex in those situations. Had a fabulous FWB post divorce, there was no love, just friendship and uninhibited sex. It is very possible for women to have good sex without love or emotion despite many men thinking this is the males domain. 

The difference though for me is that good sex within the boundaries of a loving relationship steps up to being great to amazing sex. It is making love, not just sex.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some of his story here.... I just looked myself...
> 
> Really feel like giving up
> 
> ...


We have sex, I just don't have her heart. IMO.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> *Not having ever done something like that, I have to ask.
> 
> If it is that great, why would you not want to make it way more than a ONS if that happens?*





> *Tacoma said*: *Sometimes it's circumstance.*


Having never experienced a ONS or anything like this...I can easily believe that it can be breathtaking and passionate in the moment... I sure don't mind watching those sort of scenes in porn!

... I think of songs like *>>* Oh, what a night  (the thrill of it)....and Bob Segers We've got tonight  (almost like a "need")...

I could see me falling into a situation like that.. but at the same time I wouldn't be good for me... I am too much of an attacher.. my emotions would have been in over drive & wanting to tie myself to the man...which wouldn't be part of the deal.



> *Thound said* : *We have sex, I just don't have her heart. IMO*.


Does anyone or anything have her Heart ? 

Is it YOU or is it HER, something inside of her...she can't let go and Love - repression / body issues / is she on any meds? ....was it EVER good... what do you feel has come between the 2 of you? Sorry for all the questions.


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## sylviaslife (Dec 31, 2013)

I had "good" sex, heck even "great" sex, with my EH for many years. But for the most part, it felt like only that - sex. Now, I'm not saying that 'just' sex is always a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with having some good old mind blowing sex. But I also wanted and needed to be able to make love, and have love made to me, and not always feel like it was just *sex.* He didn't seem to be able to see a difference between the two. I think it requires a loving connection between two people to be able to make love. You need to have a relationship built on a foundation of trust, communication, teamwork, love, and all of the things that make a good relationship work. And he just never put any effort into that part of the relationship. 
So I had 'just sex' with him for many years. But once I got to the point of no longer being able to accept staying in a marriage I was not happy in, I could no longer bear to do the 'just sex for the sake of having sex because he's my husband' thing anymore, the sex stopped for good.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Thound said:


> We have sex, I just don't have her heart. IMO.


Well maybe you asked the wrong question then. Sounds like it's not "good sex" at all that's the problem.

If you want connection, you have to be able to see things from her POV and be honest about your own.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

...the money on the nightstand...


(lol, I'm totally joking!)


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

Attention. An "O" last a few minutes and out of mind. The attention of someone who wants me, desires me, and shows it through touching, caressing, play is what I remember the next day. I don't care about the end result if I feel truly special and had my attention meter filled up.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> ...the money on the nightstand...
> 
> 
> (lol, I'm totally joking!)


:rofl::rofl:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sylviaslife said:


> *He didn't seem to be able to see a difference between the two.* I think it requires a loving connection between two people to be able to make love. You need to have a relationship built on a foundation of trust, communication, teamwork, love, and all of the things that make a good relationship work.


 I learned a few years ago..(my husband's words)... he doesn't even like to call it *SEX*... it has always been "*making love*" to him... 

Even though we were basically 2 positioned and what others would call "vanilla" for our 1st 19 yrs...I never cared or even felt I was missing anything!

I've looked back on this & wondered..what in the world was wrong with us!!??... we never spiced it up , didn't care...... then it hit me one day reading a thread here...where the OP & wife has tried everything.. toys, role play, hanging from the chandeliers, you name it, they've done it .....and now they were bored, asking what can they try now, sex has become Ho hum...he could take it or leave it...

I was thinking, darn we should have been bored our entire marriage given what he said... but I was HAPPY...every encounter was exhilarating...no greater pleasure on this earth....can words even capture it.... Suddenly I realized this is why I never cared....Making Love was "enough"... oh we could have had a lot of FUN trying new positions, getting a little WILD & crazy, more overt flirting & all... but that's not what fulfills our soul, that thirst for Love...tying us to another person.

It's when the pleasure of the *physical *meets the depths of the* emotional* you both feel...that takes them on a ride that seems almost *spiritual*.. now that is MAKING LOVE !


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's when the pleasure of the *physical *meets the depths of the* emotional* you both feel...that takes them on a ride that seems almost *spiritual*.. now that is MAKING LOVE !



:iagree: This is VERY well said. Thanks SA. You are right on...again! :smthumbup:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Not having ever done something like that, I have to ask.
> 
> If it is that great, why would you not want to make it way more than a ONS if that happens?


Some people do. That happens a lot. But what tends to happen then is that a couple finds out that other things are missing that would make a good relationship. People who meet for ONS's tend to not pick people based on what makes a good R. But it does happen, I know many couples who met that way.

But if a ONS turns into dating and then a relationship, it wasn't a ONS after all, it was "their first time".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Having never experienced a ONS or anything like this...I can easily believe that it can be breathtaking and passionate in the moment... I sure don't mind watching those sort of scenes in porn!
> 
> ... I think of songs like *>>* Oh, what a night  (the thrill of it)....and Bob Segers We've got tonight  (almost like a "need")...
> 
> I could see me falling into a situation like that.. but at the same time I wouldn't be good for me... I am too much of an attacher.. my emotions would have been in over drive & wanting to tie myself to the man...which wouldn't be part of the deal.


SA, personally I could never really let loose on a true ONS, and never have. The only ONS I ever had, it wasn't my intention for it to be a one and only thing (we just went our separate ways after because, meh, nothing there).

But I have been able to have some really great make out/mash sessions in a ONS type situation, or a makeout buddy ongoing, casual thing. Which is really really fun! 

Like you said, it would be really hard for some people to have full on sex without getting attached. And in the casual sex scene, a lot of people talk about that aspect of it. For others it can be completely detached from relationshippy stuff, but very attached sexually in the moment. This goes for guys, too. I have talked to guys who feel "dumped" after a ONS, even though they knew what it was the whole time...and have talked to other guys who really loved the experience and sexual freedom to literally not even know what her name was. 

Sex can be ala cart from attachment, and still be very good. Not for me personally, though.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Not being able to stand up for 20 minutes afterwards


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> SA...you got it again! Spot on!


:iagree: Yes exactly! Perfectly said.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

So, back to Thound...

How my husband captures me heart, body and soul. We have shared fundamental values when it comes to money, paying attention to our children, making time for each other, working hard in our respective arenas - he at work, me at home - and shared responsibilities in general. So, when things are good, we are smooth sailing because we both want the same thing, heading in the same direction.

What really bonds me to him, though, is how he handles himself when times are rough. It's always scary for a woman to bring up grievances to her H. I always wonder if that's going to push us over the cliff, and we go splat. 

But, since I can't live with anger, frustration, or discomfort for long - always a *non martyr* - I eventually bring up when I am unhappy. Most recently we've gotten into the habit of being sarcastic with each other - and I finally had enough of being mocked by him. So, I was red hot by the time I said something and H's response was to immediately attend my issue. He is never defensive and never launches a counterattack. Very calmly explaining that he loves me and is committed and will alter his behavior to please me. But lets me know, at the same time, that this has been a 2-way street, and I have likewise been guilty of contributing to this dynamic. After a confrontation like this, he always assures me physically to bridge the distance between us. 

So, thats what works for me. He's had me purring in contentment now for over 25+ years. Hope we'll continue forever.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sure it can.
> 
> There can be a terrific sexual connection between virtual strangers.
> 
> Some people would not be able to connect that way but many can.


But are they two different aspects of the same thing?

I can see that a ONS could involve extremely intense, sexual, almost animalistic pleasure.

But would that be the same physical and emotional pleasure that you would get from a long term partner?

Does one trump the other?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know Wysh...I think it is a bit different for everyone.

I know I have the raw animalistic thing plus the deep emotional thing and I need both to have rockin' sex. But some people really only like one or the other, or less of each but a little of both.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Csquare said:


> So, back to Thound...
> 
> How my husband captures me heart, body and soul. We have shared fundamental values when it comes to money, paying attention to our children, making time for each other, working hard in our respective arenas - he at work, me at home - and shared responsibilities in general. So, when things are good, we are smooth sailing because we both want the same thing, heading in the same direction.
> 
> ...


This post really hits home. In the past when we would argue, I would always turn it around and make it her fault. I have learned not to do this, but I think I have learned it too late.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

always_alone said:


> Mind-blowing multiple orgasms.


Always alone?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Csquare said:


> ........
> 
> What really bonds me to him, though, is how he handles himself when times are rough. It's always scary for a woman to bring up grievances to her H. I always wonder if that's going to push us over the cliff, and we go splat.
> 
> ...


This has parallels to my life, although we are in a new relationship of 3 years but he has not skipped a beat in this regard. I now have enough history with him to know that I am safe and that he will always do his part to hold us together.
Mr H very calmly deals with any issues that come up, he challenges me to deal with things and to work through any problems, at the same time he always takes responsibility for his own actions.

That is a big part of why we have great sex, I feel safe with this man, I can give him my all and know that outside the bedroom he has my back and is extremely protective of what we have together. He is an extraordinary man and apart from the fact he is sexy as hell it is his strength of character that makes me want to give him more and more of myself.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

It is hard to describe what makes sex with my husband so good for me without sounding too mushy and new-agey. 

My feeble attempt:

It is a combination of emotional and physical intimacy. It is the desire to please each other, to take each other to the heights of ecstasy. 

It is the need to transcend our daily cares, to transcend petty resentments, to re-affirm our bond, to say physically that I am willing to be vulnerable with you, to share my innermost being with you.

Corny and new-agey, huh? It is hard to explain the deep feelings that sex engenders in me. It has a divine, sacred element to it. I love the mystery of the union of opposites.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Playfulness! Sex is fun! Great sex is great fun, not serious.

Long drawn out lead up to sex before our clothes even come off.

Laughter, teasing and stoking the fires!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Thound said:


> This post really hits home. In the past when we would argue, I would always turn it around and make it her fault. I have learned not to do this, but I think I have learned it too late.


Last night I got home from work a bit grouchy. Got frustrated looking for the dog's leash. Wife didn't appreciate me causing tension and snapped at me. I snapped back about twice as vicious, then out the door to walk the dog. Felt bad about what happened, got back 20 minutes later and said "I'm sorry I was grouchy, then you snapped at me and I snapped back. Makes me feel bad. Makes me feel so bad you can take til 9:45 to get over it if you need to" (it was 10 past 9 at the time) 
She reacted with a faint smirk and very brief chuckle. Then we had a nice night.

Thound. 
Whatever you used to do that got on her nerves, annoyed her or whatever -- that you don't do anymore -- 12 years is a long time for her to not get over it. 
You didn't have an affair and sounds like you were never an abuser. So at around, say, 9:10 this evening maybe you should think of something clever to say to her to drive that point home.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

skype said:


> *It is hard to describe what makes sex with my husband so good for me without sounding too mushy and new-agey. *
> 
> *My feeble attempt:
> 
> ...


I am a MUSHY broad and I thumbs up your feeble attempt (not at all) at expressing how you feel, what sex does for your spirit... I so resonate with your every word..









When me & the Husband fights, we ALWAYS have Make up sex.. and this utterly washes any of those negative feelings away... we are revived and renewed towards each other..

I, too, see sex as near sacred.. I've been accused of putting it on a pedestal even .... what can you do!...it's how I feel...

I too am fascinated at the "Mystery" - the magnetic stirrings and pull towards the opposite sex, this delicate dance of desire.... it's my favorite subject... and pastime! 

I remember this one day at a Mops meeting.... we all stood in a circle (these are christian woman -not exactly open talkers about sex).. and the question was asked as we went around the room for answering... "What do you love the most about being married?" .. I thought to myself.. I'm just gonna be honest....what the Hell !

So when they got to me, I said... "Sex with the husband -that's the bomb!!"... (or something to that effect)...Oh that was Fun!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

sylviaslife said:


> I had "good" sex, heck even "great" sex, with my EH for many years. But for the most part, it felt like only that - sex. Now, I'm not saying that 'just' sex is always a bad thing, there is nothing wrong with having some good old mind blowing sex. But I also wanted and needed to be able to make love, and have love made to me, and not always feel like it was just *sex.* He didn't seem to be able to see a difference between the two. I think it requires a loving connection between two people to be able to make love. You need to have a relationship built on a foundation of trust, communication, teamwork, love, and all of the things that make a good relationship work. And he just never put any effort into that part of the relationship.
> So I had 'just sex' with him for many years. .


I can relate to a lot of this, except the sex never stopped. It took getting out of my 25 year marriage to see what a connection was. With my ex, for him, I think it was all about conquest and control. As the marriage went on and my gut was screaming at me, I couldn't relax into it and I had no trust in him (lightbulb moment when d day happened). There was no heartfelt connection, no making love, no loving cuddling just because.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Passion, focus, intensity and connection.

Oh and thighs that could crack walnuts/shoulders that could bridge a ravine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The kind that is so good that it feels like a spiritual connection, like you're high.
The kind you have with a partner who takes their time, really takes their time enjoying you. 
The kind that makes your legs shiver.

The oral kind. For a long time. Long time. 

It's bliss.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Oh and thighs that could crack walnuts


Yes! But try to not blow out his eardrums, that hurts and is not "good". 

Good sex is journey and not a destination, I tend to lose sight of that.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

A good and decent level of horniness/arousal always ends in a fantastic session. Giving him lots of oral makes me more aroused and prolongs the pleasure. I really like those sessions where I'm trying to hold back my orgasm.

Feel on a high afterwards.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think good sex is when all inhibitions are gone, our feelings are heightened, and we can barely walk afterwards. We are both exhausted and totally satisfied.

Great sex is when we have to take each other NOW...even if we are outside the bedroom. Getting out of the normal routine and stretching the boundaries is great sex to me. 

Good sex and great sex are both a product of incredible foreplay. Just my opinion.


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