# Am I being selfish??



## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

Been dating this guy for about 2 months. The first month we saw each other a lot almost every other day and all weekend both with and without his kids. Now for the last 1 month and half he only wants to see me on Wednesday night (late after 9pm) and Sunday afternoon. 

I told him I would like to see him typical "date nights" Friday and Saturday but he always has an excuse why he cant. Friday nights he has "play dates" with his son and other friends that have kids(he never asks me to join them and I have asked). Then Saturday he says he likes to get "stuff" done so he can relax on Sunday. When I asks him what he did on Saturday he always tells me he saw a "friend" and did not get stuff done. I have also told him we don't need to do anything fun on Saturday and I would be happy to run errends with him but he ALWAYS has an excuess why I can't join him or tells me he wants to have "alone time " with his kids on Saturday.I can understand alone time with his kids BUT when I ask him what he did with his kids he will say oh hung out with a "friend". 

I know being a single dad can be hard but I don't mind hanging out with his kids and doing kid friendly activities. I understand him also wanting alone time with his kids(something he never wanted before) but he has his kids every monday,Tuesday and Thursday and every other weekend so he gets lots of alone time with the kids. I just want to see him Saturday evening with or with out the kids.
Does this sound off to you? Am I asking for to much?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

When single parents date, we're not the only ones dating you. Our kids are, too. You don't mention how often you hung out with both him and the kids. But...I didn't generally allow a man to meet my kids unless we'd been dating at least 6 months. My boyfriend was the only exception to that rule, he met them after 3 weeks. But, back to my point...as parents, we have to consider our kids, too. And there's a lot of considerations there. There's the potential impact on our kids if the relationship doesn't work out; there's making sure our kids don't feel neglected or pushed aside because we're spending time with this new person; there's making sure the kids don't feel this new person is interfering in their time with us and end up resenting the new person. Then there's also things like homework, doctor appointments, and finding time for fun stuff on weekends.

So, on the one hand, I think you should not press this issue and understand that his time is limited. You have to work around his schedule with the kids. 

But at the same time, if he wants this to work, he also has to make you a priority. I find ways (easier now that we live together) to make sure that my boyfriend knows he matters, is important to me, and doesn't feel that I'm ignoring him, not focused on him, or not in love with him and wanting to be with him. 

If you've talked to him about it, and his answers don't assure you, you might want to consider that as much as you like him, this may not be the relationship for you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Some of his behavior seems to be "ducking" your questions so I would be suspect about getting "stuff" done and then seeing a friend. As far as his time with the kids, you have only been seeing him a couple of months. Depending on the circumstances of the divorce and his kids emotional health he may simply not be ready to introduce them to the new woman and you will need to respect that. He may just be looking out for their best interest at this time.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

BTW, one more thing..you say he never wanted alone time with them in the beginning. Keep in mind that in the beginning, he probably did things much differently because he wanted to spend lots of time with you. But he couldn't keep taking away from his kids and other things forever. He's trying to ensure his kids are not feeling neglected. It's nothing against you. 

I did the same thing when my boyfriend I first got together. I would ask my parents to watch my kids so my boyfriend and I could go out, my kids would get to stay up late or get out of stuff to hang with us. But I couldn't do that to them forever. We had to get things back to "normal" so my kids didn't suffer. 

Keep that in mind, as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sarah1971 said:


> Now for the last 1 month and half he only wants to see me on Wednesday night (late after 9pm) and Sunday afternoon.


 My 1st thought was something in the relationship is giving him pause to take a step back, maybe he has just not been upfront & honest in sharing what that might be. 



sarah1971 said:


> I can understand alone time with his kids BUT when I ask him what he did with his kids he will say oh hung out with a "friend".
> 
> ...... so he gets lots of alone time with the kids. I just want to see him Saturday evening with or with out the kids.
> Does this sound off to you? Am I asking for to much?


 1st question >> Is this friend a female ? 

I would say you are not being selfish , you want to spend time with your boyfriend, get to know his kids better, be there for him/them, this is good & healthy, it shows you want MORE from this relationship. 

Unfortunetly, it seems he may not feel the same. It could be someone else. He may be having some issues with the relationship & taking some needed steps back, OR maybe, unbeknownst to you, his kids want to have him all to himself , not wanting girlfriends along and he is respecting that. 

I personally have a male friend right now -where his 11 yr old daughter almost demands that her now single Dad -does not have his girlfriend over when she is with him, but "friends" are OK (she likes my family), so he won't do it when she is around or has slowed it considerably from what was happening in the beginning of their relationship. And he still thinks alot of the woman, just is caring for his daughters's feelings more so -right now. 

Try to get out of him - why the change , why the slowing down of seeing each other.


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

This is one of the weird things...he has no problem bringing other woman around his kids. He just tells the kids the females are "just friends". To this day 3 months later the kids still think we are just friends. He brought me around his kids within 3 weeks of dating him and had me spend the night with the kids there right from the get go. I will say it was weird to sleep over and next morning have kids you hardly know look at you like what are you still doing here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sarah1971 said:


> This is one of the weird things...he has no problem bringing other woman around his kids. He just tells the kids the females are "just friends". To this day 3 months later the kids still think we are just friends. He brought me around his kids within 3 weeks of dating him and had me spend the night with the kids there right from the get go. I will say it was weird to sleep over and next morning have kids you hardly know look at you like what are you still doing here.


 So are you considered "just a friend" as well? I have a female friend that will allow male FRIENDS around her kids anytime , but if one of these males might be a potential mate/boyfriend material, she will not allow her kids to meet him until she knows FOR SURE it will work out -cause she does not want her kids to get attached to someone , then they are off and never to be seen again. 

Either your guy is looking out for his kids like that or he is saying all these women are just friends & having a really good time and again, trying to minimize his actions -with his children present , by saying "we are just friends".


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## examinerdeby (Aug 22, 2010)

You've only been dating him two months. Maybe he thinks it was going to fast. 
If you want to date only on weekends, then just tell him you can't see him on weekdays. I'm pretty sure I'll catch some heck for telling you that but I am much more 'old fashioned' in my way of dating thoughts. I think that if you aren't married to a guy, you are free at all times unless you have made a true commitment of course. 

I understand about parents having to spend time with their kids and that is absolutely how it should be but his behavior is a bit 'odd'. Are you 100% certain he isn't married and seperated or seeing someone else as well? And, don't say you're sure because he told you so...that isn't being sure.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

examinerdeby, while I see your point, speaking as a single parent, I don't know that a blanket refusal to see him on other days will get her what she wants. If I were dating someone who was totally unwilling to work with my schedule and only wanted to see me on days they wanted, no matter how much I liked them, I would end the relationship. Kids come first, period. 

I do think he should be a bit more flexible, but as I said before, there could be so many things going on here. I really think the best thing to do would be just sit down and bluntly ask for a Friday or Saturday night date and if/when he refuses, bluntly ask why. If he's not able to give an immediate, legit answer ("Bobby's having a sleepover", "Jenna's sick"), then it's time to consider that he's up to something other than hanging with the kids.


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

I never demand to see him only when I want too. He never has a problem seeing me during the workday for a hour or two. Some work eves we get together for an hour or two(never at his place always out and on his terms). 

But for some reason he is very specific when he wants to see me on the weekends. Also its always "out" some where or at my place. I have told him I like just hanging out at his house but its like pulling teeth to let me come over.

The "reasons" he has given me why we can't get together on the weekends except for Sunday afternoon.Range from his kid is tired from dayacre from Friday and needs a nap on Sat to he has "plans" with other friends to he needs alone time with his kids to he has errands to run on Sat.

He has a "reason" for everything to why he can't do this stuff on Sunday.

My take...I think he has another woman with kids and does things with her and her kids with his kids.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, I have to be honest here. To a point, some of his reasons sound legit. I work from home now, and can set my own hours, so my life is a lot simpler than it was. But when I worked outside my home, as a single parent, I do know that frequently my weekends were filled with things I didn't get done during the week, including some quality time with my kids to make up for the rush of the work week. But some of it does sound funky. The errands...I prefer to do mine alone, so I can get them done and be finished, especially if I have my kids with me, because kids do (unintentionally) complicate everything. But the nap thing...you could come hang out while they nap.

I think you need to trust how you feel on this. If you feel he has someone else, then go with that feeling. I could sit here and justify a lot of what he does, because I ran into the same issues when I was dating before I met my boyfriend. I had men who didn't understand that my time was limited and had to be scheduled in advance (for example, one guy I tried and failed to date always called me up at 8 on Friday night to see if I wanted to go out to dinner that night. By then, I'd eaten and was settled in for the evening). But there comes a point where you just have to trust your gut.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I smell booty call. Chased the girl, got the girl now has a set schedule of days for that girl. If he really was interested in you he should have no problem taking you along when he's with his kid.

If you really like him and are just in it to see where it'll go, ride the boat out a little bit to see if things change in the following months. If things don't change, either talk to him about it or kindly thank him but just state that he's just not what you were looking for and move on.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I think he is seeing someone else. If he had no problem allowing you to spend the night after 3 weeks, then why is he now going to be protective towards his kids. He's playing you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like he has someone else staying at his place on the weekends. You're the 'weekday girl' and she's the 'weekend girl.'


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

SimplyAmorous "So are you considered "just a friend" as well?"

I'm not sure what he tells his kids I am. I had the exclusive talk with him about 2 months ago which he AGREED too but then again that was two months ago. Like I said he has told me he has "female" friends and I know he brings them around his kids too.

1st question >> Is this friend a female ? 

Some are female and some are men. But whos to say if hes telling the truth as I have never met any of his friends and never been invited along. So when he says hes hanging with the guys it could be a girl.


I'm starting to think he has someone else but really wanted to know if I was just being unreasonable. I mean could he just be a stressed out single dad? I mean if hes found someone else "better" or more to his likely WHY not just tell me its not working out and move on. It only been 3 months we have been together this would be an easy break.Why still want to see me here and there? This is what I don't get..:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because he wants to have as many girls as he can. That's what they do.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sarah1971 said:


> I never demand to see him only when I want too. He never has a problem seeing me during the workday for a hour or two. Some work eves we get together for an hour or two(never at his place always out and on his terms).
> 
> But for some reason he is very specific when he wants to see me on the weekends. Also its always "out" some where or at my place. I have told him I like just hanging out at his house but its like pulling teeth to let me come over.
> 
> ...


You said what I am thinking, he has someone else he dates on the weekend. Which should be ok if your just dating, most men straight out of a D wont want to rush into an exclusive relationship.


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