# What are the signs that your partner is having an emotional affair?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I am trying to think of the concrete manifestations of an EA, for example:
1. Get togethers that you are not invited to.
2. Constant texting or other forms of communication.
3. His/her needs become a priority in the relationship......


anything else.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Acting cold or distant.

Lack of communication.

Sleep habits changed (to accomodate phone calls, texts, emails, whatever)


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cell phone grafted onto your body....
Sudden password lock on cell phone...
Sudden password changes....


I agree with Unsure about the sleep habits - that was a big one for me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

- Exhibition of happiness that was not caused by you or any event that you are aware of.

- Working out more, eating better, less or more sex. (mine was less)

- Spouse loves you, but is not "in love" with you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Cell phone grafted onto your body....
> Sudden password lock on cell phone...
> Sudden password changes....
> 
> ...


My guy allowed me to go through his e-mail account. But then decided that I had seen enough. So I notice now that he keeps it logged out. (I have keys to his place.) He defriended this "friend" from FB as well as the mutual friend.

It wasn't until a later outburst that he offered to show me the text messages that they had shared. I really didn't know that you're justified in asking to see them so that's why I waited until it was offered.

I don't think this woman is still a threat to our relationship. But I am trying to think of habits that both he and I can live with to guard against this from happening again.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

For the computer, you can buy a hardware keylogger that connects between the keyboard and PC. The user has no way of knowing it's there unless they look on the back of the PC for it. Even then, it's hard to notice. Google it and you will find one. I can recommend one if you want. It captures every keystroke.

As one who cheated (EA), I think you need to make sure that other FB and email accounts were not created under different names. It's so easy to do. You should have complete transparency from your spouse.

Good luck


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

HerToo said:


> For the computer, you can buy a hardware keylogger that connects between the keyboard and PC. The user has no way of knowing it's there unless they look on the back of the PC for it. Even then, it's hard to notice. Google it and you will find one. I can recommend one if you want. It captures every keystroke.
> 
> As one who cheated (EA), I think you need to make sure that other FB and email accounts were not created under different names. It's so easy to do. You should have complete transparency from your spouse.
> 
> Good luck


Did you create new accounts after your partner discovered your affair?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No. I did not. I was actually glad that I got caught. We (me and the OW) tried to stop several times, but the affair drug was too strong and we'd keep it going.

I let it all out when I was caught. It still hurt, but I had no more secrets that I had to try so hard to keep hidden. I love how that part feels.

I've seen numerous stories of how a discovered EA goes deeper underground with new email addresses. So keep you eyes open. It's a powerful drug that lasts a long time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

HerToo said:


> No. I did not. I was actually glad that I got caught. We (me and the OW) tried to stop several times, but the affair drug was too strong and we'd keep it going.
> 
> I let it all out when I was caught. It still hurt, but I had no more secrets that I had to try so hard to keep hidden. I love how that part feels.
> 
> I've seen numerous stories of how a discovered EA goes deeper underground with new email addresses. So keep you eyes open. It's a powerful drug that lasts a long time.


I'm thinking that one incident might have pissed my guy off enough that he was starting to unravel the "she's my friend" routine. He received an e-mail to her 30th b-day party (sth that she talked about on FB quite a bit) on the day of. We were out of town that day. But then she texted him at 11 pm (the time that pubs close in London) with the message "why didn't you come?" I was glad that he showed it to me. And he admitted that he didn't like being treated that way. I was glad to hear that.


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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

Suddenly talking about a member of the opposite sex a little too often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Here's a list:

http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/emotional-affair-signs/emotional-affair-signs-checklist

For my fWW, this is what I noticed:


Became emotionally withdrawn from me
Became sexually withdrawn from me
Change in sleep habits: She used to go to bed very late, around 11pm to 12am. She began going to bed very early around 8pm or 9pm after coming home so very tired. Found out later OM worked from 7pm to 3am, and call records showed she would be calling him as early as 3:30 am in the morning!
Cell phone on her at all times
Changed passwords on facebook and email
Suddenly finding ways to fight with me for no reason at all. No matter what I did, she was mad at me. Of course, she and her OM were already demonizing me.
Would always find an excuse to stay home when we would have get togethers with our friends - she was always tired. Found out later she just wanted to call her OM.
Moping around on the couch on Christmas and New Years. The TV was on, but she wasn't even watching. Just seemed to be staring off into space, thinking about something. Most depressing holidays ever. She acted like her parents had died. Christmas and New Years is now tainted for me.
Wanting to buy new webcams, where before, she was always resistant to get one.
All of a sudden wanting a smart phone - she got a Blackberry. Where before, she couldn't care less and loved her old trust Motorola Razr. 
Talking on the new blackberry all the time, where before, it was just once in a while
Looking nervous when I walked into the room when she was on the laptop
Taking the laptop into the bedroom and closing the door. Whereas before, I would set up the laptop in the bedroom for her to use, but she never did because she said the signal from the wireless router was too weak. Strange how all of a sudden it was okay.
Started playing love songs all of a sudden, where before, she could care less about music.
Suddenly being so very sweet for no reason at all. 
Suddenly buying me gifts once in a while. Turned out these were "guilt" gifts.
Suddenly talking about "needing space". Whereas before, she was always bringing me where ever we went (shopping, eating out, working out together at the gym, etc, etc)

Obviously she's not an experienced cheater since her behavior changes for so out of character for her.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Here's a list:
> 
> http://www.emotionalaffairsite.com/emotional-affair-signs/emotional-affair-signs-checklist
> 
> ...


Believe it or not, many of these characteristics remain after the EA when one or both of the following follow:

1 - Rug sweep
2 - Marriage exit plan


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Believe it or not, many of these characteristics remain after the EA when one or both of the following follow:
> 
> 1 - Rug sweep
> 2 - Marriage exit plan


:iagree:

Definitely! We see this here in the forum all the time.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Dont forget, wearing different clothes, sexier stuff, when you are not with them....big red flag I missed...The emotional disconnect was/is the biggest.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

lou said:


> Suddenly talking about a member of the opposite sex a little too often.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a good one. "Such and such is so great/funny/etc."


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The one I used, which was true until I moved it to an EA, "She just an old friend. I'm too old and ugly to attract anyone. Let it go."

I'm still old and ugly, and she's no longer a friend. Some things never change.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HerToo said:


> The one I used, which was true until I moved it to an EA, "She just an old friend. I'm too old and ugly to attract anyone. Let it go."


*snap*

I got that one too. "I'm 50 years old already, he's just a friend!"


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

My W's EA "friend" was an older guy - unemployed (claimed disability from railroad), huge pot smoker who was "bipolar" - had a live-in girlfriend (of almost 20 years). They exchanged pics (no intimate ones as far as I've determined) and she said he wasn't her type - not very attractive.

This guy is almost as opposite of me as you can get!

I saw another thread where a woman had an affair with her husbands business partner (who she said was a "loser" in almost every way). I see parallels in my wife's EA, and I wonder how frequently this ends up being the case (at an almost different conclusion that the one Athol makes in his MMSLP book). 

Mismatched marriages (only in eyes of WS) where the WS seeks companionship with someone they feel more equal to or have in common with due to lack of self-esteem rate themselves undeserving, or totally mismatched with their needs not being met.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

The only parallels I can take with Athol's MMSLP in this situation, is that the guy is clearly more Alpha than me (and has the bad boy thing going for him, as he was unapologetic in his pursuit of bedding women - married or not).


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