# Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I’ve often seen people who are opposed to marriage say that they don’t see a point in it because it’s just a piece of paper. Similarly, I’ve seen people claim that it wouldn’t bother them to get into a relationship with someone who had been married multiple times in the past because there’s no difference between a person who has multiple ex spouses and a person who has been in multiple long term relationships. I’m just curious what your thoughts are. 

Personally, I disagree. I do NOT think that being married and being in a long term relationship is the same thing. If you’re not married and you want to break up with that person, it’s pretty easy to do. You pack your bags and leave. There is no legal process that you are required to go through in order to cut ties with that person. Marriage, on the other hand, is a much greater and more serious commitment. You are vowing to stay with that person through good times and bad, for the rest of your life. If it’s no big deal and just a piece of paper, then why wouldn’t you just do it? I don’t judge people who have been in several long term relationships. They are basically single. They’re not legally binded to the person. But I do think there is something going on with someone who has been married 4,5, or 6 times. Of course, if you only look at marriage as a piece of paper, it would make sense that someone would get married multiple times. It indicates that they most likely don’t take marriage very seriously.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

there are a lot of different ways to go with this. 

I think in general, most of the people who say it's just a piece of paper basically just don't want to marry the particular person they are boinking at the time and are using that as an excuse so they can keep their options open and can walk away if a bigger, better deal comes along. I think that is about 85% of those people. 

Some of those are also the ones that are with someone for years and say they don't want to marry or don't believe in marriage and then the next thing you know they are getting married with someone else. 

There are some that shun marriage because they have already been raped in divorce before but I see that as different as those people do not say that it's just a piece of paper. They know first hand it is a lot more than that. 

And I will also throw out there that the legal lines between marriage and LTR become very thin and blurred if children come into the picture. 

A non-married couple may not have to secure an actual divorce per se but things like property division and child rearing, visitation, child support etc will come in to play just as much as a bona fide divorce. 

I have known long term couples that did not have children that also had some serious court battles on property division and partner support etc even though they weren't married and did not have kids. 

If a couple has been living together a long time, it can often be somewhat of a defacto marriage/divorce in the eyes of the court ie 'common law marriage.'. 


It may be a bit judgemental but yes, I think anyone who has been married 3-4+ times is cause for suspect. Either they have issues or their picker is broken. 

This may be wrong of me to think this way but I believe that most people who want to be married and are marriage material - are married. 

People who are 45 years old and never married or have been married several times - it's for a reason. 

I'm not saying they are bad people. Just that they are not marriage material or at least don't have a good capability of deciphering who is and who is not marriage material in a partner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is where the whole Marriage is sacred and Marriage is just a piece of paper crowd misses the point. Marriage is as sacred as both of you treat it. It's not the marriage that makes it such but how you behave towards each other.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

To me marriage has real meaning because of the public commitment two people make to each other and their friends and relatives. If they take their vows seriously they really do become one and when they have children, those children are the product of that union for all time.

I feel that a common law marriage can be as strong as a civil or religious based marriage if the commitment to each other is there.

It is not about the piece of paper, it is about the commitment and integrity of the cuple and if how they view marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

I have the feeling that people that think marriage is just a piece of paper aren't married for long even if they do get married.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The phrase that marriage is just a piece of paper is inherently incorrect. Marriage is a legally binding situation, whether the people getting married want it to be/view it as such, or not.. So the phrase itself is completely off the mark.

It's more than a piece of paper or a title, because the laws of the land make it so.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



september_sky said:


> I’ve often seen people who are opposed to marriage say that they don’t see a point in it because it’s just a piece of paper. Similarly, I’ve seen people claim that it wouldn’t bother them to get into a relationship with someone who had been married multiple times in the past because there’s no difference between a person who has multiple ex spouses and a person who has been in multiple long term relationships. I’m just curious what your thoughts are.
> 
> Personally, I disagree. I do NOT think that being married and being in a long term relationship is the same thing. If you’re not married and you want to break up with that person, it’s pretty easy to do. You pack your bags and leave. There is no legal process that you are required to go through in order to cut ties with that person. Marriage, on the other hand, is a much greater and more serious commitment. You are vowing to stay with that person through good times and bad, for the rest of your life. If it’s no big deal and just a piece of paper, then why wouldn’t you just do it? I don’t judge people who have been in several long term relationships. They are basically single. They’re not legally binded to the person. But I do think there is something going on with someone who has been married 4,5, or 6 times. Of course, if you only look at marriage as a piece of paper, it would make sense that someone would get married multiple times. It indicates that they most likely don’t take marriage very seriously.


I agree with you. I always think its weird when people say 'well its just a piece of paper.' Surely they realise that the certificate is just the legal proof that the marriage has taken place, not the marriage itself? 

Personally I would be very wary of anyone who had been married twice or more. We both had long first marriages, 23 and 25 years, and we both knew why each others first marriages ended, so I had no issues with marrying a divorced man at all.
However if a man had been married and divorced more than that, or if he has caused the divorces, I would be very careful. I do know one or two people who were married twice, one for example had 2 wife's who cheated on him, so I know it happens sometimes that the person wasn't at fault. I think I would be more concerned if they had had 2 or 3 short marriages, and if they had had several long term live together relationships,I wouldn't be interested at all. I would also be very wary of a man who wasn't prepared to commit to marriage after a decent spell of time dating.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

It' a contract. And in Judeo-Christian theology, it's a covenant.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

To some people it seems needless, and if that's how they feel I don't want to argue with them. Some people who never got married have had long and good relationships.

To others it means a lot, and I don't see why anyone needs to argue w/ them either.

As others have stated, it is a contract w/ serous consequences, I doubt the "Piece of Paper" types are disputing that.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Marriage was a religious ceremony but now a financial agreement. From my perspective its about the worst contract you can ever sign because it is a legal contract.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



september_sky said:


> I’ve often seen people who are opposed to marriage say that they don’t see a point in it because it’s just a piece of paper.


That's the biggest lie on the planet and they know it.

Money is "just a piece of paper" too, but these types sure don't seem to be as afraid of it as they are a marriage license.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

Any contract is "just a piece of paper," but it can have major consequences vs. no contract. Marriage is - fundamentally - a contract administered by the state. Usually, the marriage contract only becomes a burden when you want to terminate it, and the state's rules come into play, plus the unpredictable decrees from the judge involved. Otherwise, there is really no difference between a good, committed long term relationship and marriage. The real difference only comes at the end.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



oldshirt said:


> *I have the feeling that people that think marriage is just a piece of paper aren't married for long even if they do get married.*


*My RSXW largely treated marriage as a "piece of paper" ... and with an advantageous prenup attached to it!

Kind of like "having your cake and eating it too!"*


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



SongoftheSouth said:


> Marriage was a religious ceremony but now a financial agreement. From my perspective its about the worst contract you can ever sign because it is a legal contract.


Marriage for those below the aristocracy has always been about financial arrangements. Women were having babies and governments needed to find a way to make men responsible for them.

Before the 18th, 19th centuries only the super rich got married so that asset management was facilitated.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

I like the fact that the marriage contract affords a lot of implicit rights between two people. The irony of this discussion is that those same people who call marriage "just a piece of paper" are most likely negotiating day in day out what they expect of their partner particularly in the areas of who owns what; what happens in sickness and death and so on.

I also like making my life easier. IF I want people to see us AND treat us as a married couple, why don't we be one. This was important in getting a LT visa (before I got British citizenship) and partaking of my husband's benefits at work ie health care, reimbursement of RT tickets to the US.

I wonder how much documentation a cohabiting couple has to show to prove that they really are a unit.

And also socially..... I noticed so much more that a difference was made when I lived in the UK. While you would invite both the husband and wife to a wedding even if you are only friends with one, cohabiting couples didn't get that consideration. The habit in the UK is to write the name of each person in the household who is invited to wedding. One year while my former BIL was still cohabiting with his future wife, she was not invited and they had been together for 3 years already.

I have not heard in a while that "marriage is just a piece of paper" discussion in while. But these I would someone who takes that stance and someone who is covertly selfish and difficult to work with.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is all my uneducated opinion concluded from some reading of articles and life experiences. I'm not an expert and do not intend for anyone to take me seriously. I offer my opinions for thought and consideration, only. 

The certificate is basically a contract between you and the state. It says your children are the property of the state and you will take care of their investment. 

The blood test is to make sure you aren't related so the children produced for the state are not disabled. 

Is marriage the same as living together? It depends on the couple. I saw only a difference in my ex's attitude after we were married. She did more without asking me what I thought, or if I was okay with it. I think that should be the opposite. 

I suppose in some relationships, it is. 

Marriage is for those couples who can afford it. It is not for the poor. Unfortunately, due to being poor, many couples feel as if they are two against the world and become very close, using sex as a soothing comfort for their feelings of not belonging to the world they live in. They have children, creating their own little world of hope and joy, even when they cannot afford them. 

The laws today are not good for a husband. Best to stay single and not have children, unless you have plenty of money. Even then, you must get into marriage knowing you could lose a great deal. For some, it is well worth it. For others, not so much. 

Are the two, marriage and living together the same? No, not really, but they can be very similar. I do not feel that there is a possibility of infidelity in a relationship, without marriage. I know many do. So, I guess it depends on how you were raised. I can imagine many raised in a one parent household would believe there is no need for a contract. It's true. Nothing will stop infidelity, except the character of the person in question.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that many people who claim that marriage is just a piece of paper either a) have no idea what real marriage is or b) are afraid of commitment or having responsibilities.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Marriage is what a couple wants it to be. It can be a way to get a tax break, or it can be a sacred covenant. All OK as long as both people are on the same page.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



Diana7 said:


> I think that many people who claim that marriage is just a piece of paper either a) have no idea what real marriage is or b) are afraid of commitment or having responsibilities.


The record of the married population on these issues isn't so great either.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

I'm wondering if that "piece of paper" kills more relationships then it helps.

how many relationships flounder when there is a feeling of "my spouse won't/can't leave" as complacency sets in and the relationship dies a slow death by 1000 paper cuts?

I wonder how may relationships, unmarried, and knowing their partner can walk at any time, have been better off? I mean if you bring your best self (both parties) to the realtionship because there is an easy way out, and the relationship flourishes because of it, doesn't that have merit to consider?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Legally, marriage is the act of promising before your friends and family to file your taxes together.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*



september_sky said:


> I’ve often seen people who are opposed to marriage say that they don’t see a point in it because it’s just a piece of paper. Similarly, I’ve seen people claim that it wouldn’t bother them to get into a relationship with someone who had been married multiple times in the past because there’s no difference between a person who has multiple ex spouses and a person who has been in multiple long term relationships. I’m just curious what your thoughts are. ...


Actually, I think you are sort of mixing metaphors here or something. "Marriage" is the covenant commitment between one person and another before God. That may or may not be done in front of family and friends (a "wedding"). The part that is a piece of paper is the recognition of The State that this covenant commitment is "legal."

So for example, before gay marriage was legal, one person could still commit to another person of the same gender and have a long-term, committed, loving, marriage relationship--it just wasn't recognized by The State. 

Right now I am 56yo and I was married and divorced once...and married and widowed a second time. I'm engaged to a gentleman my age who was previously marriage three other times (once too young, once in the military that ended badly, and once long term). I don't consider our wedding to be our marriage--nor do I consider The State saying it's legal to be our marriage. I consider our commitment to each other, privately, before God to be our marriage. I'm not against marriage, nor am I afraid of commitment--I just don't think that some random government agency telling me it's so makes it so. What makes it a marriage to me is the promises and living the promises every day between ourselves. Make sense?

Thus, yep, the marriage license is just a piece of paper that says "legally" what has already occurred emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and on every other level.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My toilet has a piece of paper by it...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Its a piece of paper that can prove to be very expensive! However, if things go well, it can prove to be a very nice taxbreak!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

For ME the word marriage covers a couple of different things. There is the legal connection that is important to me largely to the degree that it benefits my kids. Otherwise, I could not care less about it. But we both use the word married to refer also to the sum of our relationship because we are married. But the legal fact has little to do with the relationship.


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

To some people, words are just a reflection of how they feel in the moment; to others, their word is their bond. 

My marriage has nothing to do with the legal contract evidenced by my marriage certificate. It has everything to do with the promises I made to my wife before God.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Is marriage “just a piece of paper”?*

Yes and no.

On one hand, I do see marriage as very different than a LTR. There is a level of commitment I only associate with a marriage.

On the other hand, I dont necessarily equate that level of commitment with a state sanction or even the blessing of a church. I asked my wife to be to marry me. When she said yes, as far as I was concerned, we had already crossed that threshold morally and emotionally if not legally.


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