# Are things too broken to fix?



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Admitting to myself that WH and I are essentially separated; I posted on the separation forum, but this has a different question. We're in different cities. Things fell apart after DDay and a crazy intervention. He's been blaming me and gaslighting and being abusive. I stopped contacting him. 180, right?

So, I broke down today and called him. We hadn't spoken in two months, but recent emails were not abusive and I thought that maybe he'd changed his tune. He claims he's stopped speaking to APs, but also claims that they were never APs at all and I'm just jealous and small-minded because that was all fantasy. He's violently angry with my family about the intervention and the exposed affairs -- blaming me and them and claiming he'll do serious violence to them if he ever sees them. I want to protect them and I don't know why he wants to keep hurting me by threatening them and not really meaning it. He can't control his emotions and rage because he's very ill. He spoke in a calm tone to me when he'd stepped outside the house, but when in earshot of his family, he amped up the anger and abusiveness. I told him to knock it off and that I wouldn't tolerate it and would hang up if he didn't stop it. At the end of our conversation, he claimed this was angry talk and he wouldn't actually hurt them, but he's still manipulating me and that means he's not trustworthy, right? Shouldn't I be the angry one?

I think we're broken too badly to be fixed. I think there's danger here. I don't know how much of his abusiveness is related to his illness or if it's possible for him to change. I miss him so much it's killing me. I'm so depressed I can hardly function. I know our relationship has been abusive and I'm confused. Even though I feel relieved that I've at least spoken to him, it's more me feeding ad addiction than anything being resolved. We resolved nothing. I feel like I screwed up big time in contacting him.

How do you know when things are just not fixable? I still love him, but I'm afraid that things are just too messed up to be fixed and I'm so confused....


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't think you screwed up big time. You did what you did. And it is what it is.

But ask yourself, is this the kind of love you want or deserve? So painful?

Love is so strange. It makes us want to stay with someone that we truly know is so wrong for us. Even when perhaps we know better, deep down. But, if you want to break it down clinically and very unromantically, what you are experiencing is oxytocin withdrawl. That feeling of mature love in your head....that's caused by this chemical. Oxytocin is also very addictive. Like heroin. And what you are going through is withdrawl. Your DS gave you that oxytocin in your brain. And, since your brain misses it, it NEEDS to find it. Usually from the last place you got it from. Your DS. And it wants it's supply back. Which is why you contacted him. To see if you could get some more of it. Since you didn't, your left feeling confused. You should have gotten some. And your brain is trying to figure out why you didn't. 

Maybe deep down you contacting him just reinforces what you already know.

The good news? If you can get past your withdrawl stage, then you will start thinking more rationally. Without that oxytocin withdrawl. Kind of like when you feel like crap after breaking up with a boyfriend in high school, your first sad, but then after a while you start thinking..."what the hell was I thinking?"

Be strong and stay strong! Try to think with a clear head. Eventually it won't be so confusing to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> I don't think you screwed up big time. You did what you did. And it is what it is.
> 
> But ask yourself, is this the kind of love you want or deserve? So painful?
> ...
> ...


I'm not really sure what I want. Not even sure what love is really supposed to be like, just that I've never felt so strongly about anyone in my life, never been so willing to erase myself for what I feel. It terrifies me sometimes. I don't know if that's the kind of love I want, but it's the only kind I know...

I'm going to think about what you've said about withdrawal and addiction. It's possible that I've got some codependency going on. I do know that every day without him in it feels a little like torture. When I broke down and called him, I felt like I could actually breathe, which is the first time since he'd left that I felt that way. And that sounds a bit like addiction to me, which isn't healthy. I think I am only feeling this way because I feel the loss of this, but, I don't know. It really is confusing.

I really hope that I'll have some clarity some time soon. It seems that decisions like this should be made with the head and not the heart, but my heart feels like it's being very slowly torn to pieces...I do hope this feeling changes 

Anyway, thanks for your advice on the chemical things. I'm going to think about that.


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