# violation of trust with a dating site



## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

I have known my husband for 3 yrs and married 1 year. Recently, I found out he signed on to a dating site. He did not subscribe, but signed on "just to look". I'm having a difficult time accepting this since we are still in the "newly wed" stage and he appears to be crazy about me. He initially lied and said he didn't do it, but it was an insult to my intelligience, so finally confessed he didn't know why he did it. Does that mean I can't trust him anymore?? There have been no problems that I'm aware of to this point. I just don't get it. Does anyone else get it?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

He is just not into you. Wants some strange. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nah, you can trust him. He's a guy and you can trust that he likes to look at women. If he was looking for a real hook-up, he'd be logged in as a member. He's just looking. He needs a dose of empathy. Tell him if it's that much fun, maybe you'll sign up and see what's out there. I'm a guy and I'd naturally love to look at and talk to women all day. When I'm tempted, I ask myself how I'd feel if my wife was gawking at or chatting up other guys. The thought of that is pretty detestable to me and it probably would be to your husband, too.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't know if I would trust him. It very well could have just been a one time thing, curiosity on his part. But to be scoping out other women while he's married on a dating site....hmm doesn't strike me as a good thing. My H used to go on those sites and cheat so I definitely do not trust any part of that. 

Has your H ever given you any reason not to trust him prior to this? Is he acting differently at all that you've noticed?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

No you can not trust him. A committed man would not be going on to dating sites. 

If you are newly married and he's already doing this then that is a very bad sign.

How is he going to guarantee you that he won't do anything like that again? How is he going to show you that he will remain faithful?

I would put a key logger on the computer, and ask for all his passwords to everything and access to his phone. 

I would also ask him how he would feel if you were looking at dating sites, just to see?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

pando12 said:


> He initially lied and said he didn't do it, but it was an insult to my intelligience, so finally confessed he didn't know why he did it.


Well, he's still lying. He didn't know why he did it? As opposed to cruising a knitting forum or reading a book on gardening? 

This is somewhat similar to looking at porn, and guys lie about that too. So I'd have the same concerns about lying over porn.

There isn't any harm in looking so long as spouses have complete transparency. This is what I would be pushing for. 

How did you find out?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

My issue with this is, that unlike porn where someone is looking at perfect-bods-fantasy-people, an online dating site is populated with folks looking to hook up for dates or sex or relationships. 

I mean, c'mon, people on dating sites don't necessarily post provocative photos. They also post profiles of their likes, dislikes, and the type of person they are hoping to encounter. Yes, it can be b.s., but many people are hoping to engage in some sort of relationship. With porn, I believe it is more a passive viewer watching the participants swap bodily fluids.

I would have a MAJOR issue with my spouse looking at dating sites, particularly if we had only been married for one year. What is he hoping to find out - who is still available on the meat market???

This just doesn't sound like a happily married almost-newlywed. JMO.


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## MrsPotter (Mar 7, 2013)

Hello Lovely;

Okay, so he signed up for a dating site and you caught him. 

Emphasis "caught him", he did not come to you. Aside from this it is still a dating site, and even "just looking" is not cool, it is very inappropriate. The sideways thing about this is the fact that yes you are very fresh in your marriage, you can nip this in the bud. Woman, put your parameters down and let him know, your in it for the long haul but not to be purposely crossed for a "just looking" interest. Sometimes, you got to leave him and threaten him to go with no problem for them to decide if he wants to keep his oath or break it. 

Either way, you are still in a good place, just be strong about who you are, how you feel and draw the line and stand by it. 

I had this similar problem three months ago at three months pregnant and it was a "discreetmeetup" site, and I was sincere in my departure. Yes he straightened up and it took him shedding man tears to understand within himself it was a huge mistake--although your man owned up too it, my man still denies it. But just keep that strength of not being scared to leave bottled up in a corner of your heart, ready to be unleashed if this problem spirals out of control. You do not have to divorce but you are responsible to make right. 

Be with peace and always show love.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The fastest growing industry on the internet is porn and most of the customers would have to be married. Penthouse and Playboy don't cater to only single men. It's not my cup of tea and it seems like a juvenile waste of time and a needless source of friction between me and my wife. Still, to characterize every married man who looks at women, clothed or otherwise, as some sort of creton is a bit harsh and unrealistic. With a standard that high, maybe 15% of women could be married. That would be inconvenient for the human race. 
The guy was checking out women (looking, not chatting) on a dating site. It was stupid and juvenile. He lied about it but for the crime of functioning like a typical male, he's being pilloried as some sort of pervert or unfit husband. If my wife would come unglued at me looking at a woman, I'd be tempted to lie about it, too. I like seeing a pretty woman. I also stand when I pee. I promised to be sexually faithful and I have been. I didn't promise to go blind.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> The fastest growing industry on the internet is porn and most of the customers would have to be married. Penthouse and Playboy don't cater to only single men. It's not my cup of tea and it seems like a juvenile waste of time and a needless source of friction between me and my wife. Still, to characterize every married man who looks at women, clothed or otherwise, as some sort of creton is a bit harsh and unrealistic. With a standard that high, maybe 15% of women could be married. That would be inconvenient for the human race.
> The guy was checking out women (looking, not chatting) on a dating site. It was stupid and juvenile. He lied about it but for the crime of functioning like a typical male, he's being pilloried as some sort of pervert or unfit husband. If my wife would come unglued at me looking at a woman, I'd be tempted to lie about it, too. I like seeing a pretty woman. I also stand when I pee. I promised to be sexually faithful and I have been. I didn't promise to go blind.


I don't see him being viewed as a creton or beng bashed for being a typical male. There is nothing wrong with looking at attractive men/women but there is something wrong with a married man joining a dating site to do so. There are beautiful women everywhere...in porn, in the street, all over the internet so why join a dating site? He is crossing lines....too curious about who is available in real life. How long before chatting would have occured if she hadn't caught him? Maybe never, it could possibly be innocent but who knows. His action is extremely questionable. I would not brush it aside and my trust in him would be seriously compromised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Edit: I think most sites allow you to look all you want but you can't chat unless you join.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm surprised that many posters here don't know how adult dating sites operate.
Just like TAM, you must first register in order to view the women.
But in order to chat with ,or before any contact could be made , YOU MUST FIRST SUBSCRIBE BY PAYING.
That is how they make money.
Some are like an online peep show.
Some sites also have sections where one could " rate " a woman's looks,all of this is intended to lure the viewer into paying for a subscription.
Whenever you register, they start sending messages to your email, of people who are " suddenly" interested in you. Its a scam designed to make money

Dating sites advertise all over the web, they are linked to most social networks and other " normal " sites.

Back in the early days of our marriage both my wife and I have looked at some of our local dating sites just out of curiosity because at that time it was something " new ."
But neither she nor I have ever spent a cent on any one of them.

Men are natural voyeurs, people always want to explore the unknown.
He may have come across a dating site whilst looing at porn.

Check the credit card statements , because its the main way to pay for subscription.
If the statements are clean, then both of you may need to sit and discuss the issue of online porn, these types of sites and set proper boundaries.
The fact that he DID NOT SUBSCRIBE means that he was not interested in joining. 
What he did, was out of curiosity.
If he's constantly visiting these sites, then he does have a problem and may very well be considering joining and cheating.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What dating site was it? 

You are newly married and he's already checking out other women. It's one thing to notice a fine specimen but to get onto a dating site, where the purpose is to DATE (hook up or whatever), it's no good.

He didn't subscribe but signed on? Does that that means he created an account? How did you discover this? I assume he did not tell you outright (why would he)? Nonetheless, the point is, you're barely married a year and he's looking. If you were doing the same, how would he view that? My guess is he would not like it. And you know why right? Because it's wrong. 


I had a similar situation, within my first year of marriage. Looking back, I should have taken it at face value and not tried to explain it away.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Was he on a free site or one where you have to pay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Here is another post Pando made:



pando12 said:


> My husband and I have known each other about 3 years and married less than 1. I recently found out he secretly signed up on a dating site. Even though he said he never completed his profile and was "just curious" to look it still has made a rift in our relationship. I truly believe he loves me, but why would he do that if he truly satisfied with me? I don't feel the offense is big enough for a break up, but it still has me reeling. Anyone else had this problem? Any advice? Thanks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So he DID sign up. I still say this: how would he feel if you signed up for a dating site and he found out on his own, not because you told him you were on a dating site? 

Do unto others.......

How did you find out?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> The fastest growing industry on the internet is porn and most of the customers would have to be married. Penthouse and Playboy don't cater to only single men. It's not my cup of tea and it seems like a juvenile waste of time and a needless source of friction between me and my wife. Still, to characterize every married man who looks at women, clothed or otherwise, as some sort of creton is a bit harsh and unrealistic. With a standard that high, maybe 15% of women could be married. That would be inconvenient for the human race.
> The guy was checking out women (looking, not chatting) on a dating site. It was stupid and juvenile. He lied about it but for the crime of functioning like a typical male, he's being pilloried as some sort of pervert or unfit husband. If my wife would come unglued at me looking at a woman, I'd be tempted to lie about it, too. I like seeing a pretty woman. I also stand when I pee. I promised to be sexually faithful and I have been. I didn't promise to go blind.


:iagree:
^^My point exactly.
Juvenile and silly?
Of course it is!
Does that make him unfaithful? 
Isn't there a saner way with this?

What are the ages of the couple?

But my wife also has her little " eye candies " online [ beside me] who she feasts her eyes on, hell, she even tells me sometimes what she likes about their body.
We both subscribe to fitness sites online , and we are both involved in fitness.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So he DID sign up. I still say this: how would he feel if you signed up for a dating site and he found out on his own, not because you told him you were on a dating site?
> 
> Do unto others.......
> 
> How did you find out?


well if he DID sign up then he has MAJOR problems,
And she needs to decide whether she would stay and risk having to deal with a wayward husband or cut her losses and start over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> But my wife also has her little " eye candies " online [ beside me]


:rofl: love the sidenote


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> well if he DID sign up then he has MAJOR problems,
> And she needs to decide whether she would stay and risk having to deal with a wayward husband or cut her losses and start over.


I don't know. I took that as the initial sign up that you have to do to even view pictures, not paid for a sub. 

OP, did he pay or just create a free account?

As for it being more personal than porn, I think that's kinda the point. Maybe he's not attracted to fake a$$ porn stars with 25 lbs of makeup on.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

just_about_done said:


> I don't know. I took that as the initial sign up that you have to do to even view pictures, not paid for a sub.
> 
> OP, did he pay or just create a free account?
> 
> As for it being more personal than porn, I think that's kinda the point. Maybe he's not attracted to fake a$$ porn stars with 25 lbs of makeup on.


Jellybeans said it was a paid subscription.
That means he's free to chat.
No a good sign.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No I didn't say it was a "paid subscription." I posted what she wrote where she said he had "subscribed." The quote was from her.

Wish the OP would come back!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

There are plenty of ways for a guy to get his voyeuristic jollies off without going to a DATING SITE!!!!

He may not be paying yet...but that is because he was working up to it. You caught him. That scared him, so he will back off. When you are feeling good, he will be more careful and do it again. 

He is married. I don't care if he is a MAN and he likes to look. You don't go to a dating site to do that unless you want to see what is out there and if any of it is inspiring enough to go behind your wife's back. 

Keylogger everything and put him on notice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> There are plenty of ways for a guy to get his voyeuristic jollies off *without going to a DATING SITE!!!!
> *




Word. I think I'd have a bigger issue with a guy perusing a dating site, then satisfying himself with some porn. Because dating sites are for that -- TO DATE.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Isn't there plenty of "eye candy" and "real" women available to view online without having to go to dating sites?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

OP-

It seems you're getting some different viewpoints (from "omg, this is a bad sign" to "every warm-blooded male looks")...

Regardless that men are going to look and find other women attractive, it sounds like your husband's choice crossed a boundary for you.

So now is the moment where you can name and define that boundary (you have every right to say that you do not want him cruising dating sites, viewing porn, whatever). Once you've named your boundary, it's up to him to decide whether he chooses to comply with that boundary. 

This doesn't have to be a "how could you do this to me" moment. But rather, bring it to him that this kind of looking is not something you are comfortable with and would not like it present in your marriage. It feels disrespectful to me as your wife and dishonoring to our coupleship.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> No I didn't say it was a "paid subscription." I posted what she wrote where she said he had "subscribed." The quote was from her.
> 
> Wish the OP would come back!


Sorry!

My bad!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Seriously, who cares if he paid for a subscription or didn't? It's a site for people to hook up, hence her saying a dating site. If he wasn't interested and only wanted to "check out other women" I could think of a million other ways to fulfill that. That is not what he did however. I'd be furious and she has every right to be highly uncomfortable with this.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree she has a right to be uncomfortable with this and to tell him to cut it out. 

The difference between if he's paid or not is that he CANNOT contact other people on the site if he has not paid. It would make his story more plausible. And may give her peace of mind that he hasn't cheated or met anyone from the site.

However, wheather he's paid or not. It is a very dangerous way to check out photos of women. It has the potential to go beyond checking out, and I can understand it being a big deal to her.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

How many of us are married and NEVER looked at a website or forum where other people post pics?
A person does not have to go to a dating site to cheat.

The difference between joining the site and not joining the site is the intent.
Browsing the site could be out of curiosity.
Joining the site via paid subscription means that his intentions were to chat with a woman looking for a relationship and sex.
His intent is to cheat.
If he didn't pay, it means that even if he wanted cheat, HE CANNOT CONTACT anybody.

Looking at the women on the site is pushing against the boundary.
Paying to join the siteis a huge step over the boundary.

Edit: If my memory serves me right I think some porn sites offer live interactions with women offering hookups also.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> How many of us are married and NEVER looked at a website or forum where other people post pics?
> A person does not have to go to a dating site to cheat.
> 
> The difference between joining the site and not joining the site is the intent.
> ...


So you'd be cool if your wife created an account on a dating site or ****** [email protected] to look at hot dudes but didn't pay any money to contact them?  

You could also look at it that he hasn't paid any money yet because nobody struck his fancy. Why would he create an account in the first place, hmmmmmm? He also lied and once found out said he didn't know why he did it, 1 year after taking his vows.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So you'd be cool if your wife created an account on a dating site or ****** [email protected] to look at hot dudes but didn't pay any money to contact them?
> 
> You could also look at it that he hasn't paid any money yet because nobody struck his fancy. Why would he create an account in the first place, hmmmmmm?


Well my wife and I are both on bodybuilding and fitness forums,
Like T-Nation,
where dudes and women post their picks , in minimal clothing, and we rate and comment on them.
I too have posted.
Its the norm on those forums.
She doesn't chat with any of them ,and doesn't hookup.
Neither do I.

And no, I have absolutely no problem with my wife looking at hot dudes.

The OP needs to come back and clarify what she think his intentions were, because from where I sit, its hard to tell.

Edit: I also think that knowing his /their ages would help.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I'm surprised that many posters here don't know how adult dating sites operate.
> Just like TAM, you must first register in order to view the women.
> But in order to chat with ,or before any contact could be made , YOU MUST FIRST SUBSCRIBE BY PAYING.
> That is how they make money.
> ...


You don't need to pay to use POF's website I know that much. You can view people just by simply searching and looking. Don't even have to have an account. And you don't have to pay for an account either.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> The OP needs to come back and clarify what she think his intentions were, because from where I sit, its hard to tell.


Yup.

And I definitely agree that people can just have fun looking without having the intention of dating anyone. 

The only dating sites we have looked at are girls from her own country, and to us it can be about both curiosity or a little turn-on. 

There is something a little more titilating for us in knowing what city they are from and having more personal information. Fantasies don't have to all be gutteral porn. That leaves nothing to the imagination.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

somethingelse said:


> You don't need to pay to use POF's website I know that much. You can view people just by simply searching and looking. Don't even have to have an account. And you don't have to pay for an account either.


This. POF is free. You can upgrade your account if you like, but you can chat and contact people without a paid account, as far as I recall.

It's also heavily used by people to cheat, even though it's main focus is supposed to be "dating". But there's many married people on it, mostly in the "Intimate Encounters" area.

C


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Curiosity killed the cat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> You don't need to pay to use POF's website I know that much. You can view people just by simply searching and looking. Don't even have to have an account. And you don't have to pay for an account either.


Then if he's on POF she may have a big problem. If he's on one the pay sites and has not paid she may have a small problem. 

If he's on a pay site and not paying, (If I were the OP) I would tell him this makes me uncomfortable and you need to stop it. If he had paid, or was on POF, I would assume his intent was to find a cheat partner. 

The lying about it is not unexpected. He was trying to keep his butt out of the fire. Not saying he was right to lie, but I can see why he would.


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## Topical storm (Mar 30, 2013)

pando12 said:


> I have known my husband for 3 yrs and married 1 year. Recently, I found out he signed on to a dating site. He did not subscribe, but signed on "just to look". I'm having a difficult time accepting this since we are still in the "newly wed" stage and he appears to be crazy about me. He initially lied and said he didn't do it, but it was an insult to my intelligience, so finally confessed he didn't know why he did it. Does that mean I can't trust him anymore?? There have been no problems that I'm aware of to this point. I just don't get it. Does anyone else get it?


This is Code red...

Newly wed and checking out a dating site...This is worse than a man looking at porn. Early in the marriage there's really no need to look at a dating site. You have to think back to past behaviors that he exhibited that have led up to now.

No man goes on "just' to look. What he's doing is scoping out potentials just in case or he's biding his time. It's like a guy going into a club saying he's going there just to dance. Lol. Ha.

Yes, you cannot really trust him anymore. Reason: because it is so early in the marriage. He just married his wife and he is now scoping out new tail.

What kind of man is he? Is he the player type? Is he sleazy? Has he cheated on you before? Is he the type to cheat? What's his personality like? Did your parents or others warn you not to mess with him? These all need to be answered for clarification.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"You don't need to pay to use POF's website I know that much. You can view people just by simply searching and looking. Don't even have to have an account. And you don't have to pay for an account either."

It is true you don't have to pay, but to do searches, yes you do have to have an account. The website will only let you do a very small number of clicks before a message pops up saying "sign up for free!"

You can of course, put up a quick bogus account and keep scrolling through profiles.


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## MissKiss (Mar 30, 2013)

Married people have no business going to dating sites. Period. 
Plus, he lied about it.


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## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I don't know if I would trust him. It very well could have just been a one time thing, curiosity on his part. But to be scoping out other women while he's married on a dating site....hmm doesn't strike me as a good thing. My H used to go on those sites and cheat so I definitely do not trust any part of that.
> 
> Has your H ever given you any reason not to trust him prior to this? Is he acting differently at all that you've noticed?


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## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I don't know if I would trust him. It very well could have just been a one time thing, curiosity on his part. But to be scoping out other women while he's married on a dating site....hmm doesn't strike me as a good thing. My H used to go on those sites and cheat so I definitely do not trust any part of that.
> 
> Has your H ever given you any reason not to trust him prior to this? Is he acting differently at all that you've noticed?





unbelievable said:


> The fastest growing industry on the internet is porn and most of the customers would have to be married. Penthouse and Playboy don't cater to only single men. It's not my cup of tea and it seems like a juvenile waste of time and a needless source of friction between me and my wife. Still, to characterize every married man who looks at women, clothed or otherwise, as some sort of creton is a bit harsh and unrealistic. With a standard that high, maybe 15% of women could be married. That would be inconvenient for the human race.
> The guy was checking out women (looking, not chatting) on a dating site. It was stupid and juvenile. He lied about it but for the crime of functioning like a typical male, he's being pilloried as some sort of pervert or unfit husband. If my wife would come unglued at me looking at a woman, I'd be tempted to lie about it, too. I like seeing a pretty woman. I also stand when I pee. I promised to be sexually faithful and I have been. I didn't promise to go blind.


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## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Curiosity killed the cat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

inarut said:


> Was he on a free site or one where you have to pay?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pando12 (Apr 3, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> So he DID sign up. I still say this: how would he feel if you signed up for a dating site and he found out on his own, not because you told him you were on a dating site?
> 
> Do unto others.......
> 
> How did you find out?


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