# LivingAgain's journal thread



## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Thought it be best to start a thread to journal and I welcome any opinions, advise, comments etc.

I’m glad I found this board 

This will be a long post…

My story:

Married in 1993. Had a 6yr old daughter from previous relationship.

Son born Sept 1993; Daughter in Jan 1996.

First eight years of marriage went well…young busy family.

In 1999 my mother was dx with cancer and she died in Dec 2000. I cared for her the last weeks of her life and she died in our home. My father died when I was 3 so she was my only parent.

I fell into a depression while grieving her passing. It took me 2 years to recover and finally recognize the depression and get help with meds and therapy.

Meanwhile, STBXH went through a transformation. Shaved his head, worked out and got “buff” and went through a personality change. He looked totally different and began to act different. Friends started asking me if he took his a-hole pills today… well, he got antsy waiting for me to “recover” and began dating a mother from our son’s cub scout troop. Nice.
I discovered the affair in Sept 2003. Gave him a choice OW or me. He chose me and ended the affair.

I was devastated. I had complete trust in him. It was like a freight train hit me 

I spent countless hours on Marriage Builders, we did a Marriage Encounter weekend, MC and I continued IC.

Recovering from the affair was not happening because the OW was local – her son was in the same grade as my DD. She stalked me; drove down my street every morning, parked next to us at church and school functions when possible. Every day for me was like ripping the band-aid off a fresh wound and starting over again. This went on for over a year.

I finally told STBXH that we had to move. I was emotionally, mentally drained and could not move forward. I wanted to relocate to another neighborhood in our hometown.

He stated that if we move it will be out of the city. With his line of work, positions are few and the closest position he could find was 135 miles away from hometown. I relented – I was so weak and run down I think I would have moved to Alaska if I had to…

Oldest DD was in college and pregnant and did not want to relocate with us. I figured we were only 2 ½ drive away and we’d visit often.

Moved in June 2005. Kids had culture shock. We went from major metropolitan city to a rural area. Day two in our new home, our family dog got out, ran in the road and got hit and died. This dog was my heart. Got him as a puppy when my mom was dying...

Continued MC at new location. Was released from MC after another year. Yay, we recovered! (NOT)

As the years went on I tried to regain trust but never truly did. Convinced myself I had, but I was fooling myself. And his personality transformation stayed. He lied about stupid things, was a general douche bag for lack of a better word. My respect for him went out the window.

But I kept trying to make it better. To feel better about the marriage. I took my vows seriously.

I was so unhappy living so far away from family. My oldest had another baby and I now had two grandchildren that I couldn’t see on a daily or even weekly basis.

In 2010 we tried to move back home. Put the house up for sale and I was offered a fulltime position back in my hometown. STBXH was looking for a position back in the area. With me getting a job offer without even looking, and with the economy we agreed that I needed to take it. The kids and I moved in with his father and stepmother so that I could work and get the kids enrolled in school. We hoped the house would sell by the end of that summer and he’d find work.

Neither of those things happened. His father kicked me and the kids out after 5 weeks due to step mother not being happy about the living sitch. They have not spoken to any of us since.

Had to move kids back, I moved in with his mother so that I could continue to work.

Finally in February 2011 we realized it wasn’t going to happen. I left the job and moved back home.

Our DD was not doing well. She was diagnosed with depression and was on meds and trying to find a therapist…she tried four and couldn’t find one to connect with. In August 2011 she tried to commit suicide.

STBXH’s initial response to this was “How can she do this to me?” with anger. At that point I knew it was over for me. This man had evolved into a self-absorbed liar, but I had a crisis to get my DD through.

We had been having issues at this point but I told him that I couldn’t deal with our marriage issues until I got DD recovering and know that she was going to be ok! He agreed that was most important at that point.

So, finally found a great therapist for DD. She had a long road ahead though. She struggled through the school year and failed two classes. I was supportive and helpful while STBXH berated and shamed her. She came out that fall. I told her that I don’t care who she loves as long as they are good for her! STBXH is homophobic but played the supportive parent role but she could feel the distain he actually felt.

March 2012 – DD still struggling but doing much better and I began to feel confident that she would never attempt suicide again. An incident with DD and STBXH caused me to move out of the bedroom. I was so furious and disgusted with how he was treating her that I couldn’t even imagine sharing a bed with him without either puking or killing him.

I had so many conversations with him about helping DD, not worrying about how clean her room was or what assignment she had missing… I told him that number one worry should be her being alive!!

I wanted to get through the school year and celebrate DS’s HS graduation then address separation.

A week after the graduation, I sat down with STBXH and asked for a separation. He wasn’t surprised, offered to do what he needed to make the marriage work, but then in the next breath told me I needed to get an apartment!

Financially we were in dire straits. His job had cut all OT a few years earlier. Then they issued furlough days. I told him that we cannot support two households! I said the best thing to do is to continue living separate in the home, get bills paid, catch up on mortgage etc. I had just gotten a manager position and was making more money. Then when DD graduates in 2014, sell the house and move forward with divorce being in a better financial position. He eventually agreed when we reviewed our finances.

We both agreed to tell the kids of the separation (of which they wouldn’t be surprised since I had been sleeping in guest room for two months) and we agreed to keep things as normal as we could.

STBXH’s behavior had gotten very suspect. Cell phone never left his hand, he’d go out and not come home some weekends. He left me and DD several times with no car and no money.
I questioned him. Is there someone?? He acted appalled that I’d even suggest that! Insisted he won’t complicate his life by doing that.

And two more times last summer he came to me and asked how he could save the marriage.

And he called my brother-in-law and our friends to state that he didn’t have a girlfriend. (pro-active lying) They were shocked…no one asked him if he had a girlfriend!!

Sept 2012 – picked up the house phone to call DD and heard a woman say, “Ok baby, hang in there. I love you.” He responded “I love you too” I marched upstairs, opened his bedroom door as he fumbled with the phone. He blurted out “Uh just calling my mom.”

I said, “Are you baby?? Who do you love???” then called him a few choice names.

Turns out it is the woman he was dating when he met me. He broke up with her and married me.

He stated that he just got back in contact with her a few weeks ago. And you love each other already?? He says “I have a care for her” What??

Realizing he used the home phone, I pulled the call records. He’d been in contact with her since March.

I told him the kids are not little and they will figure it out if he doesn’t put that on hold. And if they ask me questions, I am NOT lying to them. One parent was already lying to them…

A weekend in October he once again left me home with no car or money. DD was upset that he wasn’t home. She was afraid something had happened to him because he told her that he was going to a party and would be home after. The OW lives 3 hours away so he couldn’t do quick visits. Had to be on weekends.

When he finally got home I told him that DD and I were moving out. (DD had been asking to move out for weeks. Told her we couldn’t afford it. DS was in college living on campus)
Told him he WOULD pay my rent. I would pay my personal debts but house bills are his responsibility.

We had initially agreed to do a no contest divorce, no lawyers etc. We didn’t have anything but debt anyway other than his pension and retirement plan.

DD and I moved out in November. In December he started talking bankruptcy. My brother then got me a lawyer for Christmas.

Filed for child and spousal support in January.

February house goes up for short sale. He hasn’t paid the mortgage since December. Now he gets to live there rent free until it sells (which it won’t because of septic issues) eventually they will foreclosure on it.

PRESENT DAY – 
Living with DD and DS in an apartment until DD graduates HS then we are moving back to my hometown.

Filed for D in April – 90 day wait period – so it should be final August or September.

The kids asked questions over the last several months. I answered them honestly. I will not lie to my kids.

I am just trying to deal with the anger of the financial ruin he made so much worse, and his lack of care for his kids. DD had to meet OW last weekend. Wasn’t asked if was ok or how she felt about it. 

DS refuses to ever be in OW’s presence.

I just want this all to be over and move forward!!

Thanks for reading if you got this far!! LOL

LA


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Living Again -

Wow. I am speechless at this litany of pain and betrayal. Welcome to the forum. Some great people here.

Are you back in IC?


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Bullwinkle said:


> Living Again -
> 
> Wow. I am speechless at this litany of pain and betrayal. Welcome to the forum. Some great people here.
> 
> Are you back in IC?


Hi Bullwinkle-

Yes have been in IC since December.

Most days I am so happy and looking forward, but still have these days when I am angry and it all feels so unfair!!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

You have indeed endured a lot, but it sounds like you are a very resilient person. Keep venting here...it helps.

Infidelity is destructive...on so many levels. I so wish the wayward spouses could see into the future all the devastation that would ensue because of their selfishness.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> You have indeed endured a lot, but it sounds like you are a very resilient person. Keep venting here...it helps.
> 
> Infidelity is destructive.


One of the traits my mother exhibited each and every day - resiliency. She taught me well.

Yes, infidelity destroys families.

And what amazes me is STBXH witnessed infidelity and divorce in his family and swore it would never happen to him....?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

My sister died at a young age...and you never know how one thing like that creates so many ripples that transform your entire social/familial network. Husband married very quickly to escape pain...while kids felt betrayed and pushed to go along with it. Obviously holidays were absorbed with new wife's objectives (wasn't even invited to wedding...understandable, yet painful at the same time)...so after one death...we pretty much lost an entire family...they don't even contact grandparents any more.

Infidelity is like that...friends and family get divvied up...abrupt job and career changes...just years of instability...and that's just the spouse! The kids become devastated...so I am relieved I don't have any to go through this...but I am also sad I don't have any kids...nothing to show for these 16 years.

One day at a time.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> My sister died at a young age...and you never know how one thing like that creates so many ripples that transform your entire social/familial network. Husband married very quickly to escape pain...while kids felt betrayed and pushed to go along with it. Obviously holidays were absorbed with new wife's objectives (wasn't even invited to wedding...understandable, yet painful at the same time)...so after one death...we pretty much lost an entire family...they don't even contact grandparents any more.
> 
> Infidelity is like that...friends and family get divvied up...abrupt job and career changes...just years of instability...and that's just the spouse! The kids become devastated...so I am relieved I don't have any to go through this...but I am also sad I don't have any kids...nothing to show for these 16 years.
> 
> One day at a time.


So sorry about your sister and then losing that part of the family...so sad.

I wish there were a way to shield my kids from all of this, but they are young adults now. All I can do is be here for them and support them through it. My son struggles greatly with having a man that he no longer trusts or respects for a dad...which is exactly how my STBXH feels about his father.

Hope my kids can end this dysfunctional family pattern when they have their own families!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Glad this day is almost over. Had a tough day.

Had a nice evening though watching the first Star Trek movie with DD17. She is a trekkie now - has watched all the original episodes online LOL I passed my nerdom down to my kids I'm afraid 

Looking forward to a weekend in hometown with grandkids and both DDs  Yipee!!

Hope everyone here has a peaceful weekend!


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Had a great weekend home with both daughters and grandkids 

Happy last week is over...need to stop letting his circus affect me. I just hate it when it angers and saddens his children.

Goals:

Get every all doctor's visits and blood work, physical etc done with before I have to get my own healthcare. If I'm dying, I might as well find out on his dime. Plus STD testing...from what I know there were only 2 OWs but who knows???

Get DD to MVA for permit test.

Hopefully, acquire another car for DS so he can use it for work (delivers pizza) and I won't be left without a car! Plus he begins commuting to school in August and will need one.

Find more social time for me. Isolation is killing me. Very hard in the rural area I live but I need to keep looking...

I need a positive week... 

Here's hoping..


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Frustrating times again...

Drained my savings to acquire a car for son so that he can work, contribute to the household and commute to school come August. Now car insurance will double...

Got a notice to go to court to pay back county taxes from 2008, 2009, 2010 & 2011...taxes that STBXH said were paid up years back...lies, lies, lies.

Lawyer needs more $$ for retainer so the QDRO's for his pension and retirement plans can be filed.

Had to tell kids that our weekend planned in late July for an annual music festival that we always attend won't be happening. No $$$...

Meanwhile, in STBXH's perfect world, he just got back from Cape Cod with POSOW...drives a shiny new car and apart from the support that is garnished, has zero responsibility to his "old" family.

GRRRRRRRRRR....I know, this too shall pass...just very down as of late


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Trying to feel better...hardest thing these days is isolation. I spend 7-8 hours alone in work except for the occasional customer, then go home and spend most evenings alone.

Leaves waaay to much time for thinking...

I have been driving back to hometown more so that I can spend time with family when I can but gas for the car is killing my budget and my car just hit 221,000 miles and I am petrified of a breakdown. Cannot afford to have to buy a car or expensive repairs 

Ugh...I sit here on July 4th holiday alone in the store. No cookouts, pool time or fireworks for me.

I have been having to take Melatonin to sleep, but at least that works!!

I cannot connect with my IC. I need to find another but have to wait til I get new insurance after divorce to be sure a new one accepts what I get...

It's gotta get better...vent over.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Try to do something to distract yourself. My sons & I are going to eat early then I'm off to work until 9:00. There are a lot of neighborhood fireworks so i'll hang out in my yard later & watch. My son was venting about the visit with his dad and inadvertently filled me in on their activites of moviegoing & nightly walks. Things I didn't need to hear but I knew he had to get off his chest. That sent me downhill today. Just hang in - the day will be over before you know it!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh - I think you know what I meant - the meeting with dad & ow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks SS  Just trying to get through the day. 

Funny you posted what you did about your son just now. Mine was here in the store just now relating his conversation with his POSDad this week... Son told him both he and his sister need space. Things are stressful with the divorce for them, money issues, and the fact that he is in a new relationship that Son disapproves of...all POSDad could respond on that note was that the POSOW was not the reason for the divorce....argh....he never listens...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

They never do - that's the problem. I'm sure mine would say the same because all I ever heard when we were married & they were still working together was "shes so sweet she would never hurt a fly" uuuummm right - shes a peach


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

New day 

Left work at 4pm and spent the next 6 hours reading in bed yesterday.

I realize I need to stop telling the story. Especially to myself. Telling and retelling is not going to change what happened. All it does is keep me stuck in the story, stuck in the past.

Easy to say, hard to implement but I just have to do it if I want to truly move forward.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yes you do. I would have completely fallen apart after what happened the other day if I wasn't as far along as I was ( and I'm really not that far along). Instead finding out about the ow is just another thing I have to deal with & get through. It hit me real bad but not as bad as when he left. You cant keep obsessing over the story - go through it - you've written about it now put it away & try to start to move forward. Baby steps - one day at a time.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Anger:

My greatest emotion in this whole mess has been anger.

Anger at him, anger at myself, anger at the mess of marriage he made messier. 

I have realized that I have every right to the anger at myself. OK being angry at myself for the things I did and didn't do in the M isn't productive because I cannot change the past. I need to forgive myself and keep working on changing the behaviors that caused my shortcomings in the M so that I can move forward to new relationships not repeating mistakes.

I have no right at my anger towards him. How is that? Because the things that I am angry at him for could not have been avoided.

Would I be angry at a handicapped child because he/she couldn't walk or run?

Would I be angry at a blind person for not looking at my new hair cut?

Would I be angry at a a deaf person for not hearing me shout their name from behind?

Of course not. They are not capable of these things and anger would be unjustified, unwarranted and useless.

So, I cannot be angry at STBXH for his lack of compassion throughout the M, for his cheating ways, for his self absorption because he is not capable of being a compassionate, loyal, honest man with integrity. It's just not in him. He was never taught it growing up and I do not believe can learn it now.

All my anger does is fuel negativity in ME. Does absolutely nothing to him. It's wasted, ineffective and useless.

Today I pledge to go forward without anger. I cannot carry on in that vein if I want to grow and move forward.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

Update:

We may have a potential investor to buy our house. It is a distressed property in short sale. Major septic issues. This buyer has cash and wants to move well so that an alternative septic system can be put in. The offer will probably be very low ball because his repairs will cost 20,000-30,000. BUT my hope is the bank will accept it because the alternative is them foreclosing on us and ending up with a distressed property that won't sell! Fingers crossed!!

D should be final within 4-6 weeks. Thank goodness!!!

If the house and divorce can be finalized by the end of the summer, I will be thrilled!

Relations between POSDad and kids is still rough. But I do not get involved because they are young adults and can handle it - I am here for support for them.

Still feeling isolated. Two friends have stopped contacting me since the separation last year. Both did not respond to plans that we had tentatively made  Do people think D is contagious??

I cannot travel back to hometown because my POS car is acting up. I cannot afford a new one. I have to baby this one until I can at least get some repairs done. Almost 222,000 miles on it and its showing. Getting my family to visit me here has always been an issue since I moved here 8 years ago!

Moving forward. Will be glad when the summer is over and hopefully the last two loose ends of this whole mess is tied up!!


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