# Separation Advice - long post



## newmen (Jan 29, 2012)

Hi all,

I’m going through a crisis with my marriage that has unfortunately lead to separation. We have been living apart now for 2 months with the intention of my wife returning home but unfortunately this never occurred and we formally separated this week. I would love some advice on how to work towards reconciliation as I know my wife still has strong feelings for me but at the moment she can not commit to reconciliation.

I suffer from depression and recently I was un-medicated for an extended period of time, and during this time, I relied on my wife to the point that she was overwhelmed. I never knew this was the case (as you often do when depressed) and I guess she felt the only she could re-discover herself was by moving out for a while. I had gone back on medication before she left but I think it was a case of to little to late. After she left I started therapy and I have also accepted that I have unfortunately pushed her away from me. I have also worked hard to resolve my issues and given her everything she has asked for but nothing seems to help at this stage. 

While she was gone I think see also started to question the marriage at a deeper level and she is at a stage were she is unsure if she is willing to go through the pain again to try and save the marriage. Until this week we still spoke regularly but after the decision to separate we decided that we should try not contacting each other unless it was really needed. We have spoken briefly since this started and she admitted she missed me but not in the husband / wife sense. I also miss her but I do not feel a physical attraction at this stage because the whole process has been very distressing emotionally. We both also still love each other immensely and are the best of friends, but at the moment, she is unsure how or if we should we should try reconciling.

We went to couples therapy initially, but both of us decided that the therapist we were seeing was not the correct person for us. We have discussed finding another therapist but we both agreed to have a break from therapy while we try no contact.

I guess I’m just confused and looking for some advice. Should I stick to the no contact and give her some space? Given that she obviously has feelings for me is there a chance we can reconcile in time? Should I just move on?

Thanks for your advice.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

There's always a chance.

I'm in your shoes (minus the diagnosed depression, but I might have had it). I had an awakening.

Read the story here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...-wife-letter-i-actually-mean-love-myself.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separations often lead to divorce. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder... not usually anyway.

You agreed to very little contact so you do need to stick by your agreement.. for a little while anyway. Perhaps you could then start in small ways to get her back. If you really want something it's worth fighting for. Sending a love letter, flowers, even asking for a date... something simple like coffee. Start small.

I wish you luck on this. 

If you get a chance to really talk about getting back together you can make an agreement with her that since it's often hard for a depressed person to tell that they are depressed for some time that you want her to help you by telling you when your behavior is going that way. And that you promise you will act on it immediately.


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## newmen (Jan 29, 2012)

Thankyou both for your advice. I've had a couple of very trying days and for a moment I thought I was going to have a breakdown. My doctor recommend that I should be admitted but I refused because I have just started a new job and at the moment it is the only positive thing in my life. 

Out of desperation I contacted my wife for advice and she was extremely helpful but I'm also aware that I cannot continue expecting her to help me with my issues if I ever stand a chance of winning her back. 

I have decided that I need to give her the space she needs and learn to deal with these issues without her help. I think she needs to see that I'm strong enough to live my own life before considering reconciliation.

I'm also starting to except that we may never reconcile but I'm not prepared to give up quite yet. Both of us have agreed not to date and our financial situation will remain the same for the moment.

I guess I see a glimmer of hope so all I can do is be patient.

Thanks again.


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