# Husband not cooperating



## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. Had our first child 2 years ago. After the child things changed as I became extremely overprotective and had extreme anxiety over everything. Long story short he felt like I was making all the decisions for him and he never had a part. Fast forward to now, I try my best to make decisions together, respect him, not go against his words, and be a partnership. When I do that he still has negative feelings about what I did in the past when our son was first born. That’s where the major issues started. Now there’s no affection, he talks to me crazy and nothing I do is ever good enough for him. He’s never satisfied with me trying to make sure both our feelings matter in all situations. He holds everything I’ve done in the past against me...and uses it in arguments..he’s built a horrible perception of me that is not true. I’ve never had any intentions to be spiteful in anything I’ve done, nor hurt anyone, I just always thought I was making the best decisions. Everything I do he despises. He truly hates me and being around me and everything I do. I honestly stepped back, haven’t argued, haven’t asked for anything , just been supportive. I don’t know what to do as we have another one coming in less than a month.. I’m falling into a depression of feeling like I have no one, cause he tells me to talk to him but when I do, I get an attitude and talked down on... he despises me talking to anyone else. I don’t want our family to break apart, as there are good times when he’s not thinking so negative about traits that I’ve changed and learned to control and meet him half way. But the only one who is trying in this marriage is me, he’s not trying to change his perception or attitude towards me. No matter what it is. I just want this marriage to work, because we had a great bond....I’m so tired of feeling like the bad guy.. like I’m not good enough. Like I’m always saying or doing something wrong when un the end I thought he was cooperating but he was being fake the entire time and says he doesn’t know why I thought things were changing and he was trying cause he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He’s just been fake

does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on this? I would greatly appreciate it..I’m really leaning on a separation for my mental sanity before this baby comes. I’ve gave him papers that he won’t sign ...

Thanks for taking the time to read this...


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Flowy said:


> My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. Had our first child 2 years ago. After the child things changed as I became extremely overprotective and had extreme anxiety over everything. Long story short he felt like I was making all the decisions for him and he never had a part. Fast forward to now, I try my best to make decisions together, respect him, not go against his words, and be a partnership. When I do that he still has negative feelings about what I did in the past when our son was first born. That’s where the major issues started. Now there’s no affection, he talks to me crazy and nothing I do is ever good enough for him. He’s never satisfied with me trying to make sure both our feelings matter in all situations. He holds everything I’ve done in the past against me...and uses it in arguments..he’s built a horrible perception of me that is not true. I’ve never had any intentions to be spiteful in anything I’ve done, nor hurt anyone, I just always thought I was making the best decisions. Everything I do he despises. He truly hates me and being around me and everything I do. I honestly stepped back, haven’t argued, haven’t asked for anything , just been supportive. I don’t know what to do as we have another one coming in less than a month.. I’m falling into a depression of feeling like I have no one, cause he tells me to talk to him but when I do, I get an attitude and talked down on... he despises me talking to anyone else. I don’t want our family to break apart, as there are good times when he’s not thinking so negative about traits that I’ve changed and learned to control and meet him half way. But the only one who is trying in this marriage is me, he’s not trying to change his perception or attitude towards me. No matter what it is. I just want this marriage to work, because we had a great bond....I’m so tired of feeling like the bad guy.. like I’m not good enough. Like I’m always saying or doing something wrong when un the end I thought he was cooperating but he was being fake the entire time and says he doesn’t know why I thought things were changing and he was trying cause he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He’s just been fake
> 
> does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on this? I would greatly appreciate it..I’m really leaning on a separation for my mental sanity before this baby comes. I’ve gave him papers that he won’t sign ...
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read this...


Out of curiosity, why did you decide to bring another child into this broken marriage? Did you get pregnant intentionally?


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Out of curiosity, why did you decide to bring another child into this broken marriage? Did you get pregnant intentionally?


no it wasn’t intentional. We were going through the “it’s getting better phase” or maybe I was just the one who thought so 😔


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Flowy - it sounds like you were suffering from PPD. It looks different for many women but what you described is exactly what happened to me. I had extreme anxiety and felt like I was going to explode when anyone held my child. This went on for 8 months and I had no idea this was PPD. The questionnaires at your child’s checkups really only cover sadness, thoughts of violence, but rarely ask anything that would indicate postpartum anxiety.

I suggest you research a bit and have a talk with your husband. Maybe he can empathize if he acknowledges you weren’t yourself and this commonly happens to women after birth and can linger for a year. I felt this way until I stopped breast feeding. 











Postpartum Anxiety: The Other Baby Blues We Need to Talk About


It's not the baby blues and it's not postpartum depression—so what is it? If you're feeling overly worried after giving birth, you may be suffering from postpartum anxiety disorder. Here's what you need to know.




www.parents.com


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m not fit separations, but is there anyone that you can stay with for a while and see if he lets go of the anger enough to start working with you?


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Flowy - it sounds like you were suffering from PPD. It looks different for many women but what you described is exactly what happened to me. I had extreme anxiety and felt like I was going to explode when anyone held my child. This went on for 8 months and I had no idea this was PPD. The questionnaires at your child’s checkups really only cover sadness, thoughts of violence, but rarely ask anything that would indicate postpartum anxiety.
> 
> I suggest you research a bit and have a talk with your husband. Maybe he can empathize if he acknowledges you weren’t yourself and this commonly happens to women after birth and can linger for a year. I felt this way until I stopped breast feeding.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’ve researched it and I believe that’s what I had also. I am also still breastfeeding. My husband is a no excuse man, so I have brought it up to him and he doesn’t think it’s a reasonable explanation or valid excuse. Have you and your husband resolved this issue?


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not fit separations, but is there anyone that you can stay with for a while and see if he lets go of the anger enough to start working with you?


I’m not for it either but I have tried staying with someone else for a while, and he just goes back to his old ways. I’m thinking about leaving again. It seems like I’m not needed here.


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Maybe I need to do something differently, or the same for a longer period of time? I just hate to have to suffer with depression before another baby and then it will be worse when the baby comes. I’m so tired of living a life where you feel like a zombie and you just live with someone. Not your spouse. A dried out marriage. He said he feels the same way but he’s not trying to change. Only I am. You feel like your just another person living in a house.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

One things for sure, you cannot keep living like you are. It seems to me that you are making an effort and that effort is meant with an endless resentment.

My wife and I have been married for 35 years but early on, we had some issues with maturity (both of us to be fair). One manifestation of that was my wife's inability to let things go. Like your husband, she threw things in my face that I thought had been resolved. It seemed like she could not get past them no matter what I did. But what I did or didn't do to assuage her was really not the point.

One day I snapped and told her that her inability to get past her old issues was not my problem and that I was no longer going to pay for them. It was a line in the sand because I was fed up with the b*llshit. I told her I didn't see a future for us and that she had better decide what was more important, holding on to her grudges or a life with me.

It really shook her and from then on it was not an issue. Having said that, your situation is undoubtedly different, but what I did, is the posture you should take. Hope that helps in some way.


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Thank you. Congratulations on your marriage. This is very encouraging. It helps more than you know.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Do you think he's cheating? Such disdain seems out of the ordinary for 'past sins' unless he's trying to paint you as the bad guy for some reason.

If you don't think it's that, and that he's just being a child having a tantrum then time for some hard talks. Keep calm. No yelling, or name calling. No fighting or arguing. Don't get caught up in defending yourself when he throws past things in your face. Just make matter of fact statements:

- The state of our marriage is unacceptable. 

- I'm not bringing another child into this situation. I'd rather divorce you than do that, so you don't have much time to start getting it together - showing real progress.

- If you can't let go of your grudges for us, do it for the kids. They will still need their dad, even after we're divorced.


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Do you think he's cheating? Such disdain seems out of the ordinary for 'past sins' unless he's trying to paint you as the bad guy for some reason.
> 
> If you don't think it's that, and that he's just being a child having a tantrum then time for some hard talks. Keep calm. No yelling, or name calling. No fighting or arguing. Don't get caught up in defending yourself when he throws past things in your face. Just make matter of fact statements:
> 
> ...


Ive suspected it but I highly doubt it. I do need to learn how to stay calm for sure and stop getting defensive. I will take this into consideration too, thank you. I’ve tried the do it for the kids but he doesn’t care . But won’t leave.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It seems that you are in a hopeless situation with your husband. What I see is that you have surrendered to him, for him to do and react at his whims. If he's not willing to do anything, then you are alone and you do not have a marriage, regardless of your wants for the relationship to continue. If what it takes is to get out, then get out. Him not signing papers means nothing. After the specified period of time allowed by the courts if he does not replies to your petition, it goes into motion as intended, as long as you have actually filed in the court system; if not then those papers mean nothing, and he knows it.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Flowy said:


> Thank you. Congratulations on your marriage. This is very encouraging. It helps more than you know.


Good luck and good fortune to you and your family. I hope things work out for you!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Did he want kids? You're assuming it's something you did and you've just taken on the blame perhaps.


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Did he want kids? You're assuming it's something you did and you've just taken on the blame perhaps.


We’ve always talked about kids


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> It seems that you are in a hopeless situation with your husband. What I see is that you have surrendered to him, for him to do and react at his whims. If he's not willing to do anything, then you are alone and you do not have a marriage, regardless of your wants for the relationship to continue. If what it takes is to get out, then get out. Him not signing papers means nothing. After the specified period of time allowed by the courts if he does not replies to your petition, it goes into motion as intended, as long as you have actually filed in the court system; if not then those papers mean nothing, and he knows it.


That’s what it definitely feels like. But your are right about that.


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## Ruben (Apr 16, 2021)

Flowy said:


> My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. Had our first child 2 years ago. After the child things changed as I became extremely overprotective and had extreme anxiety over everything. Long story short he felt like I was making all the decisions for him and he never had a part. Fast forward to now, I try my best to make decisions together, respect him, not go against his words, and be a partnership. When I do that he still has negative feelings about what I did in the past when our son was first born. That’s where the major issues started. Now there’s no affection, he talks to me crazy and nothing I do is ever good enough for him. He’s never satisfied with me trying to make sure both our feelings matter in all situations. He holds everything I’ve done in the past against me...and uses it in arguments..he’s built a horrible perception of me that is not true. I’ve never had any intentions to be spiteful in anything I’ve done, nor hurt anyone, I just always thought I was making the best decisions. Everything I do he despises. He truly hates me and being around me and everything I do. I honestly stepped back, haven’t argued, haven’t asked for anything , just been supportive. I don’t know what to do as we have another one coming in less than a month.. I’m falling into a depression of feeling like I have no one, cause he tells me to talk to him but when I do, I get an attitude and talked down on... he despises me talking to anyone else. I don’t want our family to break apart, as there are good times when he’s not thinking so negative about traits that I’ve changed and learned to control and meet him half way. But the only one who is trying in this marriage is me, he’s not trying to change his perception or attitude towards me. No matter what it is. I just want this marriage to work, because we had a great bond....I’m so tired of feeling like the bad guy.. like I’m not good enough. Like I’m always saying or doing something wrong when un the end I thought he was cooperating but he was being fake the entire time and says he doesn’t know why I thought things were changing and he was trying cause he wasn’t and hasn’t been. He’s just been fake
> 
> does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on this? I would greatly appreciate it..I’m really leaning on a separation for my mental sanity before this baby comes. I’ve gave him papers that he won’t sign ...
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read this...


Will he listen or make himself available to talk at all?


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

He makes himself available but it’s hard to get him to talk or make ends meet. Or just discuss what we could better . I just don’t think he wants to fix it


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Ruben said:


> Will he listen or make himself available to talk at all?


He makes himself available but it’s hard to get him to talk or make ends meet. Or just discuss what we could better . I just don’t think he wants to fix it


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Flowy said:


> Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’ve researched it and I believe that’s what I had also. I am also still breastfeeding. My husband is a no excuse man, so I have brought it up to him and he doesn’t think it’s a reasonable explanation or valid excuse. Have you and your husband resolved this issue?


Very sad your husband won’t acknowledge a condition that is not only scientifically proven but something that is so hard on new moms. Breast feeding is going to keep this feeling going but there’s a lot he can do to empower you. I’d bring it up at an appointment to get your dr to educate him.

The PPD didn’t cause any issues we didn’t already have in our marriage. If anything it put a spotlight on how little my husband respected me or boundaries I had. Since then we have made progress in that area. Our son is now 3 so it was certainly a long road.

At the end of the day your husband lacks emotional intelligence and empathy. You are setting yourself up for a rough time. He will behave the same way towards your children.


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Very sad your husband won’t acknowledge a condition that is not only scientifically proven but something that is so hard on new moms. Breast feeding is going to keep this feeling going but there’s a lot he can do to empower you. I’d bring it up at an appointment to get your dr to educate him.
> 
> The PPD didn’t cause any issues we didn’t already have in our marriage. If anything it put a spotlight on how little my husband respected me or boundaries I had. Since then we have made progress in that area. Our son is now 3 so it was certainly a long road.
> 
> ...



Wow that makes a lot of sense. I can understand it putting a spotlight on those areas. That is definitely true about what was and is going on here. It’s crazy you say that because I not only think that everyday they will be treated the same way and it kills me inside to know that he just won’t listen .


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The first I thought too when reading your post was PPD, have you talked to your doctor about it? Because you've had it once, you'll very likely have it this time too, so now that you know, it would be wise to get in front of it, so you can be prepared.

I would take your husband to the doctor with you, so that he can hear for himself, via someone else ie not you, what the problem is and ways to manage it.

If he won't do that, then you should go and stay with your parents until after bub is born, tell him that the stress in your home isn't good for you, your child or the unborn baby, that you need love and support that he for whatever reason, is unwilling to give.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Flowy said:


> Wow that makes a lot of sense. I can understand it putting a spotlight on those areas. That is definitely true about what was and is going on here. It’s crazy you say that because I not only think that everyday they will be treated the same way and it kills me inside to know that he just won’t listen .


He needs a wake up call. Unfortunately this is something many women experience with men who treat mental health like a joke. PPD is very serious and you deserve grace after bringing a new life into the world. Even if he thinks it’s made up, he can spare some empathy for the mother of his children.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

How is your financial situation?? 

With another kid on the way and a toddler, perhaps he is feeling that pressure...I know most guys won't say anything about this because they may feel that they should be handling this when in fact they aren't or don't have a realistic plan...So he's just irritable about it, and taking it out on you..? I don't know...

Without his side of this story, it's really hard to give advice...People are rarely just "mean" to other people for no apparent reason, and the reason you think it is, seems illogical to me...especially if that situation has passed.....There is always something that is causing it or aggravating it....Men often suffer in silence..


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

frusdil said:


> The first I thought too when reading your post was PPD, have you talked to your doctor about it? Because you've had it once, you'll very likely have it this time too, so now that you know, it would be wise to get in front of it, so you can be prepared.
> 
> I would take your husband to the doctor with you, so that he can hear for himself, via someone else ie not you, what the problem is and ways to manage it.
> 
> If he won't do that, then you should go and stay with your parents until after bub is born, tell him that the stress in your home isn't good for you, your child or the unborn baby, that you need love and support that he for whatever reason, is unwilling to give.


I’m definitely going to talk to my doctor about it this week and hopefully he can come since COVID restrictions have been loosening all around. Or you know a video conference


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> How is your financial situation??
> 
> With another kid on the way and a toddler, perhaps he is feeling that pressure...I know most guys won't say anything about this because they may feel that they should be handling this when in fact they aren't or don't have a realistic plan...So he's just irritable about it, and taking it out on you..? I don't know...
> 
> Without his side of this story, it's really hard to give advice...People are rarely just "mean" to other people for no apparent reason, and the reason you think it is, seems illogical to me...especially if that situation has passed.....There is always something that is causing it or aggravating it....Men often suffer in silence..


I definitely understand that and I have some ugly controlling traits also. I’ve tried to comfort him in many ways, he won’t let me in :/ financially we are fine. But you are right he may feel added pressure or anxiety also with a newborn on the way , and our toddler is definitely extremely attached to me and to him but not as much ... that may have a lot to do with it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe it's time to wean the toddler off the tit or are you going to breastfeed 2 kids at the same time?


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## Flowy (Jun 11, 2021)

Maybe it's time to wean the toddler off the tit or are you going to breastfeed 2 kids at the same time?
[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I really hope not. It’s hard because I’m not trying hard enough.. I stay at home.


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