# Is it Unrealistic to ask a guy to not watch Porn?



## ariel_angel77

I've attained a boyfriend recently, and at the beginning of the relationship I told him there are 2 things I will not accept: Smoking and porn. That's just how I feel. He said ok. Well one night while I was asleep he sent me a text that said "I'm gonna need some nudes asap." I didn't get it until the next morning though. I just looked through his history today and found that he watched porn that night. Didn't tell me about it, nothing.

While the fact that he hid it from me and did it despite agreeing to not doing it bothers me tremendously, (my ex husband all over again-sigh), it really bothers me that he wasn't into sex at all when I came over the next night. It was like I already knew that he had watched it because he didn't need me. This pisses me off because he has a lower drive than I do, and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me. And of course, when he finally does, he watches porn since I'm not available, and then he's not that horny when I do come over the next day. Not to mention we tried to do it this morning but he lost his erection.

I just feel really betrayed, mostly by the fact that it feels like he gets more horny with porn than me. Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?


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## jaquen

Yes it's unrealistic. Most guys watch porn. If they decide to not watch porn it can not be for your sake, it has to be because they equally believe it's not right for their own sake. Expecting a man who hitherto had no problem with porn to give it up for you is a recipe for disaster. Most guys compartmentalize porn and masturbation from sex, so there's a good chance we don't even see a conflict between sex and our alone time.

You have issues beyond that however. You say your man is LD. What does that mean for you? How often do you want sex vs how often does he want it?

How old is your BF? Honestly most men are virile enough to jack off tonight and be up for sex the same night, and definitely the next day. Assuming he doesn't want you because he masturbated the night before is possibly incorrect, unless he's a porn addict or masturbates pretty incessantly. 

Also you don't have to put up with porn. If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. Just know that it's going to potentially be much more difficult for you to find a man, particularly a relatively young man, who never watches it. Not impossible, but very tough.


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## ariel_angel77

jaquen said:


> Yes it's unrealistic. Most guys watch porn. If they decide to not watch porn it can not be for your sake, it has to be because they equally believe it's not right for their own sake. Expecting a man who hitherto had no problem with porn to give it up for you is a recipe for disaster. Most guys compartmentalize porn and masturbation from sex, so there's a good chance we don't even see a conflict between sex and our alone time.
> 
> You have issues beyond that however. You say your man is LD. What does that mean for you? How often do you want sex vs how often does he want it?
> 
> How old is your BF? Honestly most men are virile enough to jack off tonight and be up for sex the same night, and definitely the next day. Assuming he doesn't want you because he masturbated the night before is possibly incorrect, unless he's a porn addict or masturbates pretty incessantly.
> 
> Also you don't have to put up with porn. If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker. Just know that it's going to potentially be much more difficult for you to find a man, particularly a relatively young man, who never watches it. Not impossible, but very tough.


He's 22. He would be good with it once a week or less, and I like it every day at the least. Most of the time I initiate it and he's meh about it but does it because I want to. That's the main reason it angers me that he watched porn when I'm ALWAYS wanting him to get horny with me. And even if he got horny with the porn, and then later with me, I would have gotten over that, but he didn't even do that.


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## jaquen

Do you have any idea how often he's watching porn and masturbating? How often he did so before you two got together?

Is he overweight?


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## lenzi

ariel_angel77 said:


> Well one night while I was asleep he sent me a text that said "I'm gonna need some nudes asap."


What does this even mean?

He's asking you to send him nude pictures of yourself?

Not a good idea. Especially if you haven't known him that long.

As far as the watching porn thing goes, you said it's a dealbreaker and he's not going along with your request.

Sounds to me like you don't have much choice. Either accept it or dump him. He's not going to stop, that much is certain.


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## PBear

How long has he been your boyfriend? 

A 22 year old guy who only wants sex once a week is your first clue to a problem. Second clue is trying to change someone's natural behavior when starting to date them. You should be learning who they are, and deciding if that person is acceptable to you. Not trying to mold them into someone acceptable to you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion

"babe, I know you like porn, but you'll like me a whole lot better if you focus on me, the real thing"

Just try to ween him off of it and give him real life sex experiences. Some guys think it has to be porn, so if this is his point, you have to let him go on.


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## ariel_angel77

jaquen said:


> Do you have any idea how often he's watching porn and masturbating? How often he did so before you two got together?
> 
> Is he overweight?


Not much. His ex use to refuse sex with him (like, they literally never did it) and she would tell him to go watch porn, so I assumed he only did it because of that and he wouldn't have a problem with stopping. No he's not overweight.


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## ariel_angel77

PBear said:


> How long has he been your boyfriend?
> 
> A 22 year old guy who only wants sex once a week is your first clue to a problem. Second clue is trying to change someone's natural behavior when starting to date them. You should be learning who they are, and deciding if that person is acceptable to you. Not trying to mold them into someone acceptable to you.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


About a couple weeks. & It wasn't really that, I was just trying to let him know beforehand that I was not ok with these things and they were the only things I wouldn't put up with in a relationship. I didn't think it was trying to mold him, because he had told me he wasn't that into porn to begin with so quitting didn't bother him.


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## DayOne

ariel_angel77 said:


> and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me.


FIFY: "and I want him to be the same as me."

Not.Going.To.Happen.

And the more you push it, the further away you'll push him. His 'wilting' issues may well be being brought on by the pressure he's feeling from you.

Having said that, it may well be advisable for him to look into counseling for his.. well, addiction. At 22 it's quite possible that he has, accidentally, fallen into the trap of thinking that porn is reality. It's not. Reality is SO much more fun! 

While i appreciate your personal aversion to 'porn', it may, if you are willing to try it, be a fun thing to try together. A$$ Sl*t$, volume 27 may be unacceptable (understandably), but there are several 'educational' (and much less scary!) videos, specifically designed for couples, that can be a lot of fun to watch together, learn from, and erm... try on each other.


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## clipclop2

No it is not unrealistic. But if he refuses you have to either accept it or let him go.


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## DayOne

ariel_angel77 said:


> Not much. His ex use to refuse sex with him (like, they literally never did it) and she would tell him to go watch porn, so I assumed he only did it because of that and he wouldn't have a problem with stopping. No he's not overweight.


Ah, a much more useful snippet of info. It's possible that he is dealing with a strong feeling's of rejection and guilt (from being previously rejected) by escaping into a much easier situation. That should definitely be addressed. 

Take another look at my suggestion about watching 'educational' videos, together. Then play with each other. It'll help gradually wean him off porn as his release, and and into you as his, well, release. (yes, it sounds wrong, but it's oh so right!)

One of the best quotes i've heard, and now misquote here is: "porn is just there to pump up the tyres, you can still get to ride the bike!"


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## clipclop2

That's like saying you don't care if your wife gets hot because of the other man so long as you get the sex.

It is a slippery slope. And a short sighted one.

The kids is 22 freaking years old. He can change his behavior far easier than a 40 year old. If this girl has to fix him because he is that broken because one ex GF didn't give him sex, if that is even true, he is far more messed up than anyone here wants to think.

You tell her not to try to change him and at the same time tell her to try to change him. It is ok if she is fixing him. What if he just doesn't watch porn because he would prefer a real girlfriend? Why did she have to fix him at all?


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## ariel_angel77

You know, honestly, his watching porn in itself doesn't bother me nearly as much as when my ex husband did it because he acts extremely into me (constantly holding me, has his arm around me, etc.) Like he shows a TON of interest in me, so I know the porn wouldn't affect that. Yes I would prefer he didn't do it but it bothers me *less* because of that.

What hurts me is that he would watch porn and then not want sex with me the next day.


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## always_alone

It's been all of 2 weeks, and he has shown you that he cares nothing for your boundaries and isn't into you sexually.

If I were you I'd just move on. And quickly. You could stick around to play nursemaid to his sexuality, but why bother? Unless you're into the whole Florence Nightingale thing, let him solve his own problems.


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## ConanHub

I'm surprised a 22 year old can't spank it all day and still have sex with his gf until she can't take anymore.

He can quit porn but he has to really start rewiring himself to respond to real people. His brain is use to porn stimulation. Sexual behaviors are addictive. Maybe you two could devote a sex weekend together. Don't even leave the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

Once a week? ONCE A WEEK?????

Are you frigging KIDDING me?

The other gentlemen are being delicate. Very delicate. The fact he can't spank off 5 times PER DAY and still get it up for you is shocking.

Once a week...his drive is exceptionally low. Like 'see a doctor now' low. A Head doctor or a head doctor. Probably both.

So one or an assortment of these factors is holding true.

1) His sexual wiring is off in some way. Could be porn, could be something else. Maybe he's an extreme fetishist.

2) He's gay. (He's watching porn to see the men...or watching gay porn)

3) He really isn't that attracted to you (sorry to mention this possibility)

4) He finds less pressure, expense and expectations from porn, but he knows on some level it's not healthy...so he is trying 'dating' but finds it isn't as directly satisfying.

5) You have said or done something pretty emasculating and he hasn't gotten over it.


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## PBear

Btw, I have to express concern about the way you're moving on from your marriage... It was what, a month ago that your husband was still in your house, and now you're in a relationship like this for two weeks? How much healing and self examination have you been doing? You made wrong assumptions about your husband's commitment to his religion that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage; have you examined your true deal breakers in another relationship?

In summary... I'm not judging you for jumping into a sexual relationship. But given the tumultuous end of your marriage (and considering you're likely still married) and your religious commitment, are you sure you're following the right path for you?

C


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## ariel_angel77

Well, I asked him if he's watching porn and he said no. I even referenced that night specifically. He said "I don't watch it because I know how you feel about it." Complete deal breaker. And P Bear, you're right. I just wanted to n ot feel so lonely. But hey, that's the point of being young, right? Learning from situations and mistakes.Now I know for sure I definitely need to be on my own for a while to reexamine myself.


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## needrelief

ariel_angel77 said:


> ….he wasn't into sex at all when I came over the next night. It was like I already knew that he had watched it because he didn't need me. This pisses me off because he has a lower drive than I do, and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me. And of course, when he finally does, he watches porn since I'm not available, and then he's not that horny when I do come over the next day. Not to mention we tried to do it this morning but he lost his erection.
> ….Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?


Yes, you should be upset.
Approx. two years ago, when my wife and I started not speaking to each other for months, I remained sexually gratified thru porn and masturbation.
I can't help but think that had I not sated by sexual desires thru porn, I may have been inclined to try to patch things up with my wife before she decided to leave me.
Instead, I let our sexual (mental) bond slip, along with my wife's love.
Porn severely interferes with relationships. I'm not perfect, and sometimes I slip and watch, but usually its weeks or months between. 
When my wife and I weren't speaking, it was daily.
I always hope the last time will truly be the last.
Get your boyfriend to stop.


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## jaquen

needrelief said:


> Get your boyfriend to stop.


You can't "get" anybody to stop doing anything. He's 22 and this is a new relationship. The only thing she can "get" him to do is lie to her about his porn watching and take it more underground, like most people.

Always Alone nailed it. There is no reason for this woman, who apparently is going through a divorce, to be sitting here trying to save some dude and make him over. For what? Trying to change somebody who is already your spouse or long term partner is almost impossible, why try and do this with some new tail?


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## lenzi

ariel_angel77 said:


> I just wanted to n ot feel so lonely. But hey, that's the point of being young, right? Learning from situations and mistakes.


Well, you can expect to be lonely for a long time to come. By excluding any man who watches porn you've probably eliminated over 90% of the available men out there.

If you want to learn from your mistakes, then maybe going forward you can loosen up a bit about the porn. 

Or not. Hey it's your life. Most men would think you're being unreasonable, but what do we know?


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## ariel_angel77

Lenzi, It may be unrealistic of me to ask him to not watch porn (which is contradictory of your former advice), and I really might could have gotten past it, but it is not unrealistic for me to expect my significant other to not lie to my face just to cover their butt.p I will not be alone for a long time just because I have standards.


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## Wolf1974

You can certainly ask anything you like for your relationships. It's your life. Just don't be surprised if many guys won't go for it. I don't use porn that often but sometimes just a need. I wouldn't promise any woman I would never look at it.


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## Anonymous07

ariel_angel77 said:


> Lenzi, It may be unrealistic of me to ask him to not watch porn (which is contradictory of your former advice), and I really might could have gotten past it, but it is not unrealistic for me to expect my significant other to not lie to my face just to cover their butt.p I will not be alone for a long time just because I have standards.


Your request is not unrealistic. 

I have the same, or at least similar, standards. I am ok with porn when we begin dating, but if I give my body to him, in that we begin to have sex, porn is then off the table and unacceptable. He can have the real thing or he can have me, but it won't be both. My husband thought it was great. We waited to have sex(several months into our relationship) and he hasn't watched porn since then. The real thing is a whole lot better anyways or so I would assume that any man would want that over his hand. 

As for the bf, he's a lost cause. Cut him loose and move on, but do keep your standards. Nothing wrong with wanting a man who is more into you than watching porn. There are men who will meet your standards, so do hold on to those. The right man will rise to the occasion.


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## ConanHub

lenzi said:


> Well, you can expect to be lonely for a long time to come. By excluding any man who watches porn you've probably eliminated over 90% of the available men out there.
> 
> If you want to learn from your mistakes, then maybe going forward you can loosen up a bit about the porn.
> 
> Or not. Hey it's your life. Most men would think you're being unreasonable, but what do we know?


If I have a hot, juicy woman for a good romping, porn never even enters the equation nor can it compete.

And I have an addiction.


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## PBear

He's not your SO. You've been dating for a couple of weeks. And you've already snooped on his phone and found him lieing to you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

ariel_angel77 said:


> Lenzi, It may be unrealistic of me to ask him to not watch porn (which is contradictory of your former advice), and I really might could have gotten past it, but it is not unrealistic for me to expect my significant other to not lie to my face just to cover their butt.p I will not be alone for a long time just because I have standards.


It seems I need an editorial lesson and make my point quicker.

The bygone generic social 'standards' of behavior no longer apply.

Society doesn't care any more.

The only sexual monopoly you can offer is for yourself.

You raised the price of the truth very highly, making his discussing his point of view or seeking compromise essentially an automatic break up.

This is not to say he should have lied. He should have said 'no thanks' and walked away.


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## sparkyjim

I am one who feels that porn negatively influences men...

but I won't even approach this thread from that view point.

I am more in line with Conan's thinking and the others who are saying that at 22 he should not be so LD and that is where the real problem lies.

It really doesn't matter that you want him to not watch porn, or that he lied to you about it. That could certainly be worked out. 

But if you showed up at his place and he wasn't interested it is either because he has LD and doesn't really match up with you, or he spent the whole day spanking it to numerous porn sites and O's.

Either way it doesn't seem like a good relationship for you.

The poster who said that you should be taking time off is spot on. I think it was Pbear. You should be taking his advice.


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## PBear

Btw, AA... Did you ask him what he meant by "need some nude ASAP"?

C


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## jaquen

ariel_angel77 said:


> Lenzi, It may be unrealistic of me to ask him to not watch porn (which is contradictory of your former advice), and I really might could have gotten past it, but it is not unrealistic for me to expect my significant other to not lie to my face just to cover their butt.p I will not be alone for a long time just because I have standards.


I hate to say this to you, because it's not easy for some women to stomach, but two things are far more common than not:

A. Men watching pron.
B. Men lying about watching porn.

The overwhelming majority of men you'll ever be with will fall into both these categories. We're socialized very early on to be guilty about playing with ourselves, so masturbation comes with a stigma for many even before porn entered the picture. And since a lot of women don't approve of their guys watching porn, we learn to hide and lie.

This isn't fair. And yes, you're totally entitled to your expectations. But know that you are facing tough odds finding a guy who is either not going to watch it, or is going to watch it and be totally transparent about it. Again, not impossible, but just know your odds and be prepared.


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## JCD

Dear OP. Let us turn this around.

WHY is it a problem that he watches porn? *You* set this boundary. Him doing an action alone without your involvement obviously means 'more to you than the relationship'.

Because let's be absolutely ethically clear here:

YOU went to HIM and said "X Principle is much more important to me than any man."


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## JCD

She is allowed to insist that he give up porn. Somehow this is not controlling.

He is not allowed to insist he keep porn. That is 'suck it up, buttercup'.

Seems fair 

But let's keep things equitable.

She can say 'no porn'.

He can say 'I don't want you making friends with other men. Porn is a picture. Other men are real threats to a relationship.'

Can you imagine what the women would scream if he dared to lay a diktat like that on her?

Or say he said "You know...sex is important to a man. I am giving up porn for you. I expect as a result that you blow me twice a week." See...now a man is daring to tread into 'female personal preferences'. Somehow her sexual identity is sacrosanct but male sexual identity...pshaw!

This is justifications why she is correct and any man who disagrees with her is not.

And this is not a threat of being 'single forever'.

If I stated I would never date anyone who wasn't model material, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE would tell me how incredibly unrealistic and dismissive that was to the vast majority of women and how I was essentially setting myself up for a likely lonely life...unless I pull it off!

There is no difference with what we are telling a woman who is setting a standard which encompasses 90+% of males.


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## ariel_angel77

Ididn't end it because of the porn. I ended it because not only did he lie, but instead of just saying no, he said "Iwouldn't do that because I know how much it bothers you." What a level of deceit. I even told him it wasn't about the porn, but the lying. Yes I would love a man who didn't desire other women and wack off to them. I think comparing that to wanting a model is unrealistic. I really appreciate always and anonymous and Conan's responses. PBear, he didn't give a good explanation unfortunately.


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## JCD

ariel_angel77 said:


> Ididn't end it because of the porn. I ended it because not only did he lie, but instead of just saying no, he said "Iwouldn't do that because I know how much it bothers you." What a level of deceit. I even told him it wasn't about the porn, but the lying. Yes I would love a man who didn't desire other women and wack off to them. I think comparing that to wanting a model is unrealistic. I really appreciate always and anonymous and Conan's responses. PBear, he didn't give a good explanation unfortunately.


I am using the 'model' thing as an analogy for how rare a man who has not done this would be. VERY rare and such a guy would probably carry a load of religious baggage that many women would not be amenable to even if they got the 'no porn' thing.

But no, you need to take responsibility. You started this rodeo. He did not come up to you and say 'You are so enchanting, that forsooth, I shall quit porn!'

You said "I want to control this aspect of your sexuality. No questions.  No discussion. The price of failure is breaking up."

I have no idea how honest he was being. Neither do you. Maybe he never intended on being honest. Maybe he tried and he slipped (after all, he did request some nude photos). Did you ask about this or did you just lower the boom?

You can dress this up any way you want to. But I sincerely doubt that if he had come to you contrite and honest, saying 'you know what...I find I like porn a lot after all, and I really don't want to quit it just on your say so' that you would smile indulgently and release him from this standard. You would still dump him. You just couldn't blame it on the lies.

In any event, I doubt either of you will see it as a big loss. He loses someone who is sneaking into his personal life and issuing ultimatums after a mere two weeks. You lose a liar who can't get it up.

Two bullets dodged.


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## JCD

Just as a follow up question: would it be better if he swore (and held to) never looking at porn again, but when he masturbated he thought of your co workers, his co workers and other family friends (i.e. women he might actually have a chance with)?

Or is masturbation without thinking solely of you also forbidden?


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## Hicks

To your question about porn.
There are X number of Men. There are Y percentage of them who watch porn. If Porn is your number 1 issue, you have to find one who does not watch porn. Decreeing it will not work. 

It's like saying the one thing I will not tolerate is baldness. Then you find a guy with a receding hairline.


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## lucy999

DayOne said:


> While i appreciate your personal aversion to 'porn', it may, if you are willing to try it, be a fun thing to try together. A$$ Sl*t$, volume 27 may be unacceptable (understandably), but there are several 'educational' (and much less scary!) videos, specifically designed for couples, that can be a lot of fun to watch together, learn from, and erm... try on each other.



I concur wholeheartedly.


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## U.E. McGill

There's 2 issues here. Neither of which is porn. 

First is libido. There's 100's of people on this board who complain about a spouse who doesn't meet theirs. This is after years of marriage. You guys are young in age and relationship. He's not meeting your needs. 

Second, honesty. BOTH OF YOU. You've stated your line in the sand is "no porn". He entered into it as the price of admission. He's using it, you know it. So either enforce your price of admission or drop it. Tell him "I'm not cool with it. But if you are I don't want you to lie to me to appease me. I need some one who's honest with themselves. "

I assume you're young. It's time to move on. There's graceful and fair ways to break up.


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## U.E. McGill

The moment art was born so was porn. It's been around as long as we have. 

http://www.artmarketmonitor.com/2012/05/15/cave-painting-porn-discovered/


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## Ripper

OP lists watching "True Blood" as an interest. If I was a porn fanatic, I would just set down with her and watch a few episodes. It pretty much shows everything but actual penetration.


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## Angelou

From reading this, you are better off working on yourself than fixating on someone's fascination with porn. If in the future it is still a deal breaker for you, than keep your deal breaker. Everyone has a "list". Just know that a good chunk of men watch it.


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## PBear

I think there's lots of other issues besides the porn. Lieing, the fact that they have different drive levels, and the fact that he chose to expend his weekly session on his own... Even without him watching porn, there's enough red flags that I'd say they're not a match. 

Now the other issue is that she's still got a husband, and one month out of her marriage and two weeks into dating, she feels she's got an SO...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariel_angel77

PBear I'm sorry I misused the word SO. I just thought it meant boyfriend. My bad. Geez. 

intheory, I found rape porn to be among the porn he watches. He told me guys have to watch that to get it out so they don't do stuff like that in real life.


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## T&T

ariel_angel77 said:


> I found rape porn to be among the porn he watches. *He told me guys have to watch that to get it out so they don't do stuff like that in real life.*


Ummm, that's total BS...and a little scary...


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## Cletus

The short answer to your original question is yes, it's unrealistic. 

Just like it would be unrealistic of me to lie to you about the answer.


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## Cletus

always_alone said:


> IOW, it is unrealistic to expect any sort of loyalty from men?
> 
> Got it.
> 
> There've also always been lots of nude males throughout art history. Some cultures kept it all very simple, and stuck with just the phallus. And they were everywhere, some quite big. Fun!


Only if you conflate pornography use with disloyalty. 

The Dan Savage solution is the most reasonable. The man pretends to not look at porn and the woman pretends to believe him.


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## ConanHub

ariel_angel77 said:


> PBear I'm sorry I misused the word SO. I just thought it meant boyfriend. My bad. Geez.
> 
> intheory, I found rape porn to be among the porn he watches. He told me guys have to watch that to get it out so they don't do stuff like that in real life.


Run for the damn hills!

This guy is sooooo not worth your time, he lies, has LD, watches porn instead of making you walk funny and not only watches rape porn, justifies it by saying men need to view rape so they do not commit it??!!!!!

I am going to leave this thread because rape makes me want to kill. When you and your loved ones have been on the receiving end, you tend to be deadly short with anyone who gets off on it.

You also have a daughter to protect. This guy needs .... won't say it.


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## CuddleBug

ariel_angel77 said:


> I've attained a boyfriend recently, and at the beginning of the relationship I told him there are 2 things I will not accept: Smoking and porn. That's just how I feel. He said ok. Well one night while I was asleep he sent me a text that said "I'm gonna need some nudes asap." I didn't get it until the next morning though. I just looked through his history today and found that he watched porn that night. Didn't tell me about it, nothing.
> 
> While the fact that he hid it from me and did it despite agreeing to not doing it bothers me tremendously, (my ex husband all over again-sigh), it really bothers me that he wasn't into sex at all when I came over the next night. It was like I already knew that he had watched it because he didn't need me. This pisses me off because he has a lower drive than I do, and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me. And of course, when he finally does, he watches porn since I'm not available, and then he's not that horny when I do come over the next day. Not to mention we tried to do it this morning but he lost his erection.
> 
> I just feel really betrayed, mostly by the fact that it feels like he gets more horny with porn than me. Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?



You told him what you don't want him doing, smoking and porn.

He knew this and is no longer innocent.

If he has a higher sex drive than you, take care of his needs as your own. Otherwise, if he has the higher sex drive, he will release himself another way. He isn't doing this to hurt you. He has the higher sex drive and needs that release.

In my situation, I have the higher sex drive. When my wifee wasn't taking care of my needs as her own, I too relieved myself to porn many times over. Now that she is getting a sex drive, starting to take care of my man needs, my porn use has dropped to maybe once every few months and I really don't think about porn anymore either.

Everyone has different sexual levels at different times in their lives. I was HD in my youth and now more Average Drive as I get older. My wifee was LD most of our marriage and now is Average Drive and still loosing weight, feeling better about herself and her sex drive will probably go higher still.

We took the 5 love languages quiz which helped us understand our main needs. Hers is Acts of Service and mine is all Physical. Now we know and go from there.....when we have sex, she goes out of her way to rock my world but doesn't like it if I do the same back to her. Just the way she is and hopefully, one day, that will change.

Find out what porn he views and do that with him as a total surprise. That's one way to attack this issue. Or you can get mad and are only in it for yourself. Two different ways of seeing and dealing with this.


----------



## PBear

AA, to me, an SO is your SIGNIFICANT other. Someone you're planning your life with, living with, told them you love, etc... Not someone you just started dating. 

As far as setting boundaries, it's good to set them, and good to be explicit. But you need to be realistic about your expectations then. For example, another of your boundaries was no smoking. Say you met someone, and you talked, and they said they were a smoker, but they'd give it up for you. That should be a big warning flag. The odds that they can give it up cold turkey and not fall back, or even continue smoking and not tell you is very high. You may want to decide to say "thanks, but I'll pass". 

Same goes for porn. If your guy says that he's been watching it for years, but he'll give it up, odds are good that he doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he'll likely hide it and keep spanking the monkey to his videos. Find someone who ALREADY fits your mold, not someone who needs to change to meet it. 

just something to consider...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

PBear said:


> AA, to me, an SO is your SIGNIFICANT other. Someone you're planning your life with, living with, told them you love, etc... Not someone you just started dating.
> 
> As far as setting boundaries, it's good to set them, and good to be explicit. But you need to be realistic about your expectations then. For example, another of your boundaries was no smoking. Say you met someone, and you talked, and they said they were a smoker, but they'd give it up for you. That should be a big warning flag. The odds that they can give it up cold turkey and not fall back, or even continue smoking and not tell you is very high. You may want to decide to say "thanks, but I'll pass".
> 
> Same goes for porn. If your guy says that he's been watching it for years, but he'll give it up, odds are good that he doesn't see anything wrong with it, and he'll likely hide it and keep spanking the monkey to his videos. Find someone who ALREADY fits your mold, not someone who needs to change to meet it.
> 
> just something to consider...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Interesting point, and I agree. The goal should be to find someone whose views are compatible with what you deem important, not to get someone change to conform to your views. People are who they are, so if you find a porn watcher and you don't like porn that's probably a poor match for you. In this case whether one can ask a partner not to watch porn is irrelevant, this guy doesn't satisfy her needs and claims he needs rape porn so he doesn't rape. That's a guy with serious issues that won't be corrected simply by laying off porn even if you could get him to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

ariel_angel77 said:


> Lenzi, It may be unrealistic of me to ask him to not watch porn (which is contradictory of your former advice), and I really might could have gotten past it, but it is not unrealistic for me to expect my significant other to not lie to my face just to cover their butt.p I will not be alone for a long time just because I have standards.


How was my advice contradictory?

I suggested that you can either dump him or accept that he's going to watch porn. 

If you dump him you'll probably find it difficult to find a guy who fits your standards.

As far as him lying to you about the porn, I totally agree that's a big problem.


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## Shoto1984

So I'm way late on this one but I love the word choice "I have recently attained a boyfriend" 

Is it unrealistic? Pretty much. I watched the movie Don Jon recently. I recommend it as it actually makes some good points from both the general male and general female perspectives on porn. 

Porn or not, it just sounded in the first few posts that your sex drives are not matched well. A High Drive 22 yr old should be fine fine watching his favorite porn and taking good care of you too.


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## SimplyAmorous

There are good men out there who WANT THE REAL thing and will wait for you.. choosing a woman over porn anyday... find one of those.. not that you can expect even the best of men to never look though (I would consider this setting yourself up to get lied too many times, sorry to say- unless you find a strict religious man)... My H's tastes are very mild, he has looked all of his life.. but he has NEVER , for a day put it before me.. that would be a DEAL BREAKER & then some..

This man has shown you he can not do that.. you'd think he'd be jumping to please you this early in the relationship when people try to be in their best behavior... to win the other person...with desire running really high/ even explosive for many when they find someone new...I'd seriously wonder if he had "an addiction"-at age 22.. with all he can muster up - once a week !!.. Sometimes seriously off here.. he should be capable of 3 times a day (well many could at that age!)......he's spilling the seed way too much!!


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## ConanHub

OK. I lied and am back.

Has everyone missed the part where this guy not only watches rape porn, HE SAYS THAT HE WATCHES RAPE TO GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM SO THAT HE WILL NOT RAPE SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O M G!!!!!!


This guy is mental!

ariel... protect yourself and your daughter and drop this guy like the piece of garbage he is,


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## changedbeliefs

I can't recall the details of your other thread, but you just got out of a horrible relationship/marriage, correct? I think we're barely a month out from that, and you've already got a new boyfriend, a 22 y/o, and you've already set down the "things you won't allow" rules, one of which is - IMHO - completely unreasonable. And this dingleberry is claiming he can comply.

Jesus christ.......some people just can't help but continue to fubar their own lives....


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## WorkingOnMe

That wasn't the question. Yes it's reasonable to want a guy who doesn't watch porn. It's reasonable to wait for such a guy. But is it reasonable to ask a guy you've dated 2 weeks to abstain? No.


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## Healer

1. He won't stop watching porn because you tell him not to
2. A 22 year old who only wants it once a week is either very low drive or is watching/jerking it to porn a LOT
3. A super low drive, young man with a high drive woman is a recipe for disaster
4. You trying to change who he is and his habits this early on (or at any time) simply won't work


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
I think it is fair for people to insist on any conditions that they want at the start of a relationship, but to be aware that those conditions may disqualify a lot of potential partners.

I think that most (and maybe a great majority) of men, and probably most women watch some porn. Its is OK to decide that isn't acceptable, but it will disqualify a large part of the male population, and possibly worse, bias the remaining ones toward those with low sex drives.

Personally I only think porn is a problem if it interferes with someone's sex life, or if someone is choosing to watch porn when their partner is available for sex.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
There has been porn that is as explicit as the technology allowed for a VERY long time. One could argue that the early neolithic "Venus" figures were porn (Fertility goddess...um yes...).

Certainly by roman times there were very explicit pornographic pictures. Brothels would have murals that left no doubt as to the exact services that were being offered.

There were pornographic movies almost as soon as there were movies. There are interactive pornographic games, and I expect we will soon (if not already) have pornographic VR, and sex-bots.


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## always_alone

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I think it is fair for people to insist on any conditions that they want at the start of a relationship, but to be aware that those conditions may disqualify a lot of potential partners.



Isn't that the whole point of having standards and deal-breakers in the first place? To weed out the incompatible and undesirable?


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## TheCuriousWife

No it is NOT unrealistic. I don't care how many people are okay with it, if it is not okay with you, then it is not unrealistic. No one else can tell you what your dealbreakers should be.

Neither my husband or I have ever watched porn. Despite the world telling you that _everyone_ does. I call bull crap.

As a side note. Run from this man. As a woman stuck in a marriage with a LD husband, it is not worth it. He already showed disregard for your boundaries, and he refuses sex with you. You just started this relationship. Get out now. That is the reason to date. To find out if the partner is compatible with you, and this guy is obviously not. You don't want a fixer upper, or you will be stuck with your ex husband again. Move along.


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## Married but Happy

Porn is the least of the issues here. The real issue is that your libidos are seriously mismatched, and that is unlikely to change.

If you want a man who's into you and wants you as much as you want him, find another man who has a healthy libido. He may watch porn - or not - but he'll still be into you even if he does.


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## JCD

The problem isn't the porn...


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## always_alone

Porn comes up as the issue because she's been burnt by it in the past, just got burnt by it again, and is wondering if there is any hope of ever having a relationship where she won't get burnt by it. And if so how?

But instead of offering useful strategies, she gets told her standards are too high, and that she is unrealistic.

The inference being that her only future is to be in competition with porn.

See, the deal is that people who complain about porn are either people who have religious affiliations that teach them to or people who have been deeply wounded by it.

This is true for both women and men.


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## JCD

Does anyone else have a problem with someone rummaging through their computer in a two week old relationship?


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## michzz

ariel_angel77 said:


> I've attained a boyfriend recently, and at t
> 
> I just feel really betrayed, mostly by the fact that* it feels like he gets more horny with porn than me*. Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?


This feeling that you have? It may not even be true, you feeling that way may not match how he feels about you.

Your Bf could have a medical condition that inhibits his responses with you--yes, even at 22.


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## michzz

someone pointed out the OP's dating pool will be smaller if she doesn't like porn viewing.

As if that were a bad thing?

Isn't the point of serious dating to narrow the pool down to one?

I don't ascribe to her list of requirements, but so what if she has them.

All the push back and forth between her original question and page 11 is so much noise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

jaquen said:


> That's not the advice anybody in this thread gave. Here is what actually has been stated by the majority:
> 
> A. *Dump this man.*
> B. *Don't accept a man who doesn't satisfy you just so he can watch porn.*
> C. *Stand by your personal principles*.
> C. *But know that the majority of men do watch it, and won't necessarily be upfront about it, so be aware of how that limits your dating pool*.
> 
> That's it. Nobody, literally not a single person, told her to accept being "second fiddle" to pornagraphy or just "suck it up" and realize that all men will always put a woman second to his porn habit.
> 
> That's all stuff you created out of thin air based off what we said.
> 
> That's a straw man you built and none of us are going to claim responsibility for your straw man.


:iagree: This is how I read this thread also....

There are plenty of GOOD men who still look at porn. I feel because her 1st husband was one who *abused it *though, this will ALWAYS be a sticking point.. which makes a lot of sense... *we are always influenced by our experiences along the way*...

I KNOW because of how my Husband has always been, I am very lenient with a little porn...he has NEVER denied me







unless he was tired or sick... he always wanted to look at naked women though [email protected]#$ (just keeping it honest!- nothing hard core, he is as sickened by demeaning porn as I would be)...

He, too,* TRIED to hide it *back in the day when I was all religious & crap... I'd find it on his computer in folders.. I'd get in there & start deleting them, cried one time.. 

I can look back at this & :rofl: now but when we 1st got the internet... the next day I turn it on and Naked babes were popping up all over the place .. I was PI$$ed,







..called DELL and told them what my husband was up [email protected]#... Oh he got some hell for that.. then I'd post scriptures to his desktop... I was a pain in the a$$... trying to shame him.. and ya know what.. shame on me, I was all into the kids, not exactly THINKING about his needs [email protected]#...

When I learned 5 yrs ago this man saved every darn orgasm FOR ME.. 1st I couldn't believe it... NO MAN DOES [email protected]#... well you'd have to be a fly on the wall that night.. but I do believe him, he even made me look bad [email protected]#$ I masturbated to hot men before.. (I was worse than him!)...

He told me jacking to naked women while married , TO HIM, he felt like that would be "Cheating"...so there I was -the cheater....CRAZY CONVERSATION we had that night.. oh he wasn't mad.. but we missed each other over the years... let's just say....he doesn't feel guilty for looking... he enjoys it and can say this outright to me...Good for [email protected]#

I couldn't ask for a better Husband....I Guess if more men were like HIM...and more women could understand this allure.. it would just make this sort of thing a lot easier to deal with... but again.. he is not one to use it over his woman AT ALL.. this is surely on the rarer side...so just keep in mind.. all types are all out there.. and not all men are the same... is my point, to throw every one back who is HONEST ENOUGH TO admit to enjoying a little porn. I just wouldn't feel it is wise.. because more than NOT ...a man will feel backed in the corner & just lie to save face..... 

I think it's better to allow them an Open honest safe place to talk about this....and if his habits are too much for you...you can move on.. but you may be surprised... 

I think it's a shame each of the sexes has to hide so much from each other.. though 99 % of men are going to get off when they look!! ..


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## richardsharpe

Good afternoon all
What is so strange about this 13 page and growing discussion is that there is so little actual disagreement. :scratchhead:

The majority of posts seem to agree that:

1) The OP's partner watching porn and ignoring her sexual needs is a big problem. This is not a unique problem, but happens to other women as well.

2). The OP can end this relationship because of #1. (this is a bit of a null statement since anyone can end any short-term relationship for any reason they wish.

3). Most men watch porn, but there are men who do not watch porn.

5). People are free to place any limits they want on what is acceptable in partners, but obviously each limit decreases the pool of available partners. 


Is the question really one of whether we should "blame" the OP's boyfriend? Why does it matter? If she isn't happy she can dump him. She is free to consider it to be his "fault". He is free to consider it to be her "fault". Each of them can go find someone more compatible. 

What are people arguing about?


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## staarz21

I often steer clear of these threads on TAM because porn is an extremely touchy subject for people on both sides of the fence (those who think it's ok and those who don't).

I think some people here know my H has a porn addiction. I've talked about it and even deleted some threads because I didn't want to be labeled a "prude" or unrealistic - not that anyone ever called me that, just that's how I have to deal with this issue in my marriage. People tend to not believe an addiction to porn is real. 

Since dealing with my H and his issues (and he still refuses to go to counseling to figure out why he attaches to porn so strongly) I too have a certain set of standards that I do not consider to be unreasonable. If I divorce and decide to date again (and at this point in my life, I would rather just be alone), I would have one of my expectations of porn met or else I would tell that person that the relationship is over. 

I wouldn't care that my partner watched porn so long as he was able to have sex with me when I wanted and he came to me first when he wanted to have sex. If I am not available or otherwise cannot engage in sex - he can knock himself out with all the porn he can handle if it made him happy to do so. But the second he chooses porn over me...even just once, I would be DONE with the relationship. 

I think that's how it's supposed to work anyway. 

Point is, you don't need to ask an Internet forum if it's unrealistic to ask a guy not to watch porn. It is a deal breaker for you and you have every right under the sun to make it a deal breaker for you.

You told your partner that you did not want it in your relationship. Your partner watched it anyway. Your partner also does not match your sex drive and watches rape fantasy porn. All around, this guy seems like he isn't a good fit for you. 

He broke your boundary and now it's up to you to let him go. Stand up for yourself! It will take some time to find the right one, but there will be others.


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## ariel_angel77

Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.

What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


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## Wolf1974

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


I think it's a noble pursuit Ariel and I always prefer the real thing but what If you're not available. Travel for work or have some other issue like illness where you can't have sex. 

Generally speaking the only time I have ever had a need for porn was when I didn't have access to my wife or GF. Like when I was deployed for 8 months in Turkey and so on.


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## samyeagar

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? *Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready*?


Not being overly attracted to the real thing.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening ariel_angel77
For what its worth, I have never watched porn when my wife was available. Maybe though that isn't a very strong statement as on average she has only been willing to have sex about once a month over the last 25 years. 

I don't think porn is necessarily bad even if there is a good sexual relationship, its something a couple can watch together.

Most of the time I believe in a "right of first refusal", if someone wants quick sexual release they should go to their partner first before watching porn or masturbating. I think though it is fair for people to sometimes just want a quick release, not a long mutual lovemaking session - as long as long sessions are also common.

I don't make this an absolute. In an otherwise happy sex life I don't see a problem with porn / masturbation. I DO see a problem if someone turns their partner down for sex and then watches porn / masturbates - except on very rare occasions.






ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


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## samyeagar

ariel_angel77 said:


> *Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> *
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


I think I understand what you are saying here, but I think a more verbally accurate and honest way to put it is that most men look at porn occasionally, therefore it will be difficult to find a man who doesn't.

Men have long been shamed for porn, and many, especially younger men will lie about it if they do not feel safe admitting it. If porn is an upfront deal breaker, that is surely not a safe environment to admit to it. The up front and honest thing for the man to do is to simply say that you will not be a good match for him, and then move on.


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## TheCuriousWife

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


Disagree.

Sure lots of men look at porn, but certainly not all.

Just like all men do not smoke, and all men do not drink, etc.

And I think it is perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to come to you before they turn to porn. You are not setting your standards too high. Girl, you keep your boundaries! Don't settle!


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## Healer

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


I would certainly take you up on this offer.


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## PBear

In my case, I used porn as stimulation for the last part of my marriage, on a daily basis. But that's because my wife had shut down our sex life. When I got in a relationship with someone who enjoyed sex with me as much as I enjoyed sex with her, porn sent away, without her having to ask or mention it. Porn itself isn't an issue in my current relationship; we occasionally watch it together just for added fun. But it's something we do together. 

You need to look at your issues, though... The BF you mentioned, and the text you mentioned... You weren't sexually available to him at the time he texted you, right? So did he violate your boundaries then? You said you never even saw the text till the next day, correct?

And what about masturbation without porn? Is that better, just because he doesn't have visual stimation? With your situation, if he can't get it up again in a timely fashion, I'm thinking you still won't come out on top, so to speak...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


As it was explained to me by my husband, sex and masturbating are different things.One is about the complex and rich relationship between a man and a woman, and can operate a myriad of ways over time. One is plumbing. Masturbating is for plumbing. And porn is the liquid plumber.

As it relates to the "he's just gonna lie" business... sorry that's BS. That is a guy who does not see you (one ... but that word is so stiff) as a person with whom to communicate what is really going on for him so that you can understand. BUT for him to communicate, we have to be willing to listen, to try to understand HIS point of view. Whatever conclusions you both come to about the outcome, you will be in a better place if you understand what the porn use means to him. If his answer is well yah she's just so hot, I wanna do her! That is another kind of information! It was you that got the info that he thinks looking at rape porn is good because it prevents men from doing it, I think. That is good information to have! Run for the hills, speedy.

The information I got was the plumbing business I mentioned. And the other valuable information was that he thought it was a completely natural part of being a human (not just a male human for the record) and was not considering stopping. If I wanted to look at what he was looking at to see what it was, I was more than welcome. I shared with him some stuff that I thought was really degrading to women. And he indicated that that had never occurred to him. No more of that.

For my husband, masturbating with liquid plumber has never had any affect on his real life drive. TAM is the first place that I have ever heard that mentioned. I can't help thinking that if that is the case, there is a problem in the main sex organ, the brain. And eliminating porn is not going to fix that.

I guess the main take away that I am not making clear. Why is this a good battle to fight? We can chose to make this a deal breaker. It is a perfectly valid choice. But what do we get? Maybe a smaller pool of people who think/feel the same. But I would guess a pretty small pool. An environment where honest communication does not feel safe because to tell the truth would be to lose? Or a situation where he does as he is asked thus... what? We haven't changed his mind or his attitude. Just his behavior. In a restrictive way that is not bound to make him feel all warm and fuzzy.

I dunno. I don't choose to try and control my husband. I choose to trust him. And on the day he turns out to be untrustworthy, well I guess then I will know that. Sex is not a competition sport. 

My two cents.


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## jaquen

ariel_angel77 said:


> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


Porn is not a regular part of my sexual life anymore, so let me start off there.

But here's the thing, I would never, ever agree to any woman, including my soulmate, the love of my life, whom I've been with for almost 15 years, to do the "come to me first" thing.

No. Sex with a woman is sex with a woman. When I want sex with a woman, I have sex with my woman. I'm with a willing partner who satisfies me, loves having sex with me, and wants sex for her own good.

But when I masturbate, it's because I want to masturbate (porn or no porn). Because that's a sexual expression that's about me, not about NOT being with her. I almost never jerk off because sex is unavailable. I do so because that is specifically what I want to do. I don't look at self pleasuring as a second fiddle replacement for sex with a real person.

The two almost never cross. They have no need to. I can, and do, please my woman and what I do with my own body alone doesn't come into the equation.

It's not a "real thing" vs "my thing". I can have my cake and eat it too. I would never be married to somebody who didn't get that, and I sure wouldn't lie about my perspective. 

Other men obviously will have different criteria.


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## JCD

ariel_angel77 said:


> Okay, so what I'm getting from most of you is that it's unrealistic for me to ask any man to refrain from porn, and that if I do, he'll just lie about it. And a lot of you say you understand this behavior.
> 
> What if I have such a high drive, that I tell you that any time you get a sexual urge, come to me instead (which I have told exes before)? Then what would be the need for porn when the real thing is right there & ready?


You are taking the wrong lessons.

Let me use an example. Say on date one, your perspective BF says 'my last wife ran away with a guy she met online, so I don't want you using a computer' except for work or to contact me.'

You would think 'this is a very intrusive demand from someone I just met...and is he so damaged that he is going to have a bunch of other demands down the road if I immediately give into this?'

So EVEN IF THEY ARE INTERESTED, they might demur just because. They do not owe you anything and they are looking at the relationship dynamics you are bringing in.

But...say this guy brings it up six months down the road? Then you are like ' I really like this guy! He also understands who I am better and maybe we can have a DISCUSION and come to an equitable compromise like never friending a male and rejecting their messages.'

Cause it sounds like you found a loser the first time. I would modify your preferences. And...while you may fear rejection, there is nothing wrong with initiating. A girl who is genuinely enthusiastic with me gets a big +2 on my assessment of her.

The other message 'call me if you are horny' no. Not the right message. You are defining your relationship as a booty call, and it think you want more than that.


----------



## ariel_angel77

PBear said:


> In my case, I used porn as stimulation for the last part of my marriage, on a daily basis. But that's because my wife had shut down our sex life. When I got in a relationship with someone who enjoyed sex with me as much as I enjoyed sex with her, porn sent away, without her having to ask or mention it. Porn itself isn't an issue in my current relationship; we occasionally watch it together just for added fun. But it's something we do together.
> 
> You need to look at your issues, though... The BF you mentioned, and the text you mentioned... You weren't sexually available to him at the time he texted you, right? So did he violate your boundaries then? You said you never even saw the text till the next day, correct?
> 
> And what about masturbation without porn? Is that better, just because he doesn't have visual stimation? With your situation, if he can't get it up again in a timely fashion, I'm thinking you still won't come out on top, so to speak...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, correct. What issues are you referring to? And yes, I believe masturbation without visual stimulation would be much more easy for me to swallow.


----------



## PBear

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yeah, correct. What issues are you referring to? And yes, I believe masturbation without visual stimulation would be much more easy for me to swallow.


By your issues, I was referring to the things you said were boundaries or acceptable to you. You stated that you expect the right of first refusal (to paraphrase). Which means (to me) that he could call you up anytime, tell you he wants to get his rocks off. And it's your option to have sex with you or let him run one out on his own. But you didn't respond to his message, because you didn't see it till the next morning. So when he's home alone, all horned up and unable to sleep, what's he supposed to do? 

You also stated that it wouldn't have been such a big deal except that he couldn't get it up later when YOU wanted sex. A healthy 22 year old guy should be able to spank the monkey (with or without porn) and still get it up for sex in a very short time (like less than 30 minutes). 

Then you also have the lieing about using porn. And the violent nature of his porn. 

Are you still with this guy? Or are you just asking hypotheticals? Are you getting any value out of the people trying to show they're right or wrong about porn's place in society? Do you have any other questions that you'd like people to focus on, rather than their personal soapbox?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Amplexor

203 posts removed. 3 members earned a 1-week vacation. If members want to argue porn, misogyny, religion, sexism, feminism.... please open a thread dedicated to that discussion. In the meantime please keep posts directed to the OP and her question.


----------



## ariel_angel77

PBear said:


> By your issues, I was referring to the things you said were boundaries or acceptable to you. You stated that you expect the right of first refusal (to paraphrase). Which means (to me) that he could call you up anytime, tell you he wants to get his rocks off. And it's your option to have sex with you or let him run one out on his own. But you didn't respond to his message, because you didn't see it till the next morning. So when he's home alone, all horned up and unable to sleep, what's he supposed to do?
> 
> You also stated that it wouldn't have been such a big deal except that he couldn't get it up later when YOU wanted sex. A healthy 22 year old guy should be able to spank the monkey (with or without porn) and still get it up for sex in a very short time (like less than 30 minutes).
> 
> Then you also have the lieing about using porn. And the violent nature of his porn.
> 
> Are you still with this guy? Or are you just asking hypotheticals? Are you getting any value out of the people trying to show they're right or wrong about porn's place in society? Do you have any other questions that you'd like people to focus on, rather than their personal soapbox?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that were to happen again and I'm with a guy, I'd hope he'd masturbate without porn. And no, I'm not with him anymore. That was a clearly doomed relationship. I was asking hypothetical questions. I'm just worried about coming across this problem several times in the future, per the responses I got.


----------



## GusPolinski

lenzi said:


> What does this even mean?
> 
> He's asking you to send him nude pictures of yourself?
> 
> Not a good idea. Especially if you haven't known him that long.
> 
> As far as the watching porn thing goes, you said it's a dealbreaker and he's not going along with your request.
> 
> Sounds to me like you don't have much choice. Either accept it or dump him. He's not going to stop, that much is certain.


Agreed. Talk about f*cking creepy.

Seriously... is this what dating has become?!?


----------



## richie33

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed. Talk about f*cking creepy.
> 
> Seriously... is this what dating has become?!?


Which is creepy? The asking for nude photos or going through a persons stuff 2 weeks into a hookup?


----------



## ariel_angel77

Richie, quit responding to my posts if you're just going to be putting me down.


----------



## richie33

Quit posting if you are only looking for people to agree with you.


----------



## sparkyjim

richie33 said:


> Which is creepy? The asking for nude photos or going through a persons stuff 2 weeks into a hookup?


I have heard of women running credit checks on men that they have gone out on one date with. 

Creepy? I don't know... this seems to be the modern dating world.

Is it creepy to go through someone's stuff? Is it creepy to think that someone you're dating has no right to know the truth about you?

One person's creepy is another person's self defense mechanism.

I found his request for naked pictures to be typical of his sexual inclinations... he's more into porn than he is into a real woman.

And this is not an anti porn rant - but younger men these days are setting themselves up for being more attuned to porn than they are to real women. 

Porn's endless variety, plus the fact that you don't need to communicate to someone in order to get the exact twist or tug you need at that moment sets porn up to be the better sexual experience for many young men. 

No risk of rejection... 

you can "have sex" with a woman way hotter than you could ever land in real life...

you can "participate" in any almost any sex act that you can imaging...

you can do it over and over until you are shooting dust...

porn doesn't have any "smells"...

I could go on...


And it's not anti porn to recognize how porn is influencing men to think that sex only has one script...


----------



## lifeistooshort

sparkyjim said:


> I have heard of women running credit checks on men that they have gone out on one date with.
> 
> Creepy? I don't know... this seems to be the modern dating world.
> 
> Is it creepy to go through someone's stuff? Is it creepy to think that someone you're dating has no right to know the truth about you?
> 
> One person's creepy is another person's self defense mechanism.
> 
> I found his request for naked pictures to be typical of his sexual inclinations... he's more into porn than he is into a real woman.
> 
> And this is not an anti porn rant - but younger men these days are setting themselves up for being more attuned to porn than they are to real women.
> 
> Porn's endless variety, plus the fact that you don't need to communicate to someone in order to get the exact twist or tug you need at that moment sets porn up to be the better sexual experience for many young men.
> 
> No risk of rejection...
> 
> you can "have sex" with a woman way hotter than you could ever land in real life...
> 
> you can "participate" in any almost any sex act that you can imaging...
> 
> you can do it over and over until you are shooting dust...
> 
> porn doesn't have any "smells"...
> 
> I could go on...
> 
> 
> And it's not anti porn to recognize how porn is influencing men to think that sex only has one script...




Probably the worst one of all is that you don't have give a sh!t about anyone but yourself. I'm not necessarily anti porn either, but ime men who spend a lot of time looking at porn tend to be extremely entitled, selfish lovers. Not men who use some porn to supplement the real thing, but men who spend a lot of time on it. I'm probably stirring up a hornets nest with that comment so I'll say again that it's my experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty

ariel_angel77 said:


> I've attained a boyfriend recently, and at the beginning of the relationship I told him there are 2 things I will not accept: Smoking and porn. That's just how I feel. He said ok. Well one night while I was asleep he sent me a text that said "I'm gonna need some nudes asap." I didn't get it until the next morning though. I just looked through his history today and found that he watched porn that night. Didn't tell me about it, nothing.
> 
> While the fact that he hid it from me and did it despite agreeing to not doing it bothers me tremendously, (my ex husband all over again-sigh), it really bothers me that he wasn't into sex at all when I came over the next night. It was like I already knew that he had watched it because he didn't need me. This pisses me off because he has a lower drive than I do, and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me. And of course, when he finally does, he watches porn since I'm not available, and then he's not that horny when I do come over the next day. Not to mention we tried to do it this morning but he lost his erection.
> 
> I just feel really betrayed, mostly by the fact that it feels like he gets more horny with porn than me. Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?


Ahh, the porn debate. 

Armchair psychology here. Don't take it to heart. 

Viewing porn can lead to desensitization of what normal sex should be. It may cause a hard wiring of what expectations are. Whatever he is masturbating to, he is training his brain and his libido to be stimulated to those things. 

That is just my guess though, and I don't know him personally.

There are ways to increase libido in men. Increase dopamine. There are activities and supplements that do that. There are activities that he can do to raise testosterone naturally as well as supplement like zinc. 

Hope it helps in some way, other than that god luck.


----------



## ariel_angel77

Thanks everyone for the responses.


----------



## richie33

sparkyjim said:


> I have heard of women running credit checks on men that they have gone out on one date with.
> 
> Creepy? I don't know... this seems to be the modern dating world.
> 
> Is it creepy to go through someone's stuff? Is it creepy to think that someone you're dating has no right to know the truth about you?
> 
> One person's creepy is another person's self defense mechanism.
> 
> I found his request for naked pictures to be typical of his sexual inclinations... he's more into porn than he is into a real woman.
> 
> And this is not an anti porn rant - but younger men these days are setting themselves up for being more attuned to porn than they are to real women.
> 
> Porn's endless variety, plus the fact that you don't need to communicate to someone in order to get the exact twist or tug you need at that moment sets porn up to be the better sexual experience for many young men.
> 
> No risk of rejection...
> 
> you can "have sex" with a woman way hotter than you could ever land in real life...
> 
> you can "participate" in any almost any sex act that you can imaging...
> 
> you can do it over and over until you are shooting dust...
> 
> porn doesn't have any "smells"...
> 
> I could go on...
> 
> 
> And it's not anti porn to recognize how porn is influencing men to think that sex only has one script...


This is not one of your anti porn rants? OK.


----------



## Healer

Has anyone seen "Don Jon"?


----------



## Cletus

Healer said:


> Has anyone seen "Don Jon"?


Yes.

Why do you ask? I'll a priori assume that you don't frequently mistake Hollywood for reality.


----------



## lenzi

Cletus said:


> Yes.
> 
> Why do you ask? I'll a priori assume that you don't frequently mistake Hollywood for reality.


That movie was realistic.

Brought out a lot of good points.


----------



## Healer

Cletus said:


> Yes.
> 
> Why do you ask? I'll a priori assume that you don't frequently mistake Hollywood for reality.


Uhhhh, OK.


----------



## Healer

lenzi said:


> That movie was realistic.
> 
> Brought out a lot of good points.


Sure was. Porn addiction in that age group/demographic is very real and common. 

It was also funny as ****. When the "BING" of him turning on the computer sounded - made me laugh every time. The movie raised some good points and was somewhat dramatic, but really it was a comedy.


----------



## Cletus

Healer said:


> Sure was. Porn addiction in that age group/demographic is very real and common.


Citation, please. This is a particularly interesting statement since the DSM-5 does not include pornography addiction as a diagnosis nor does it contain differential criteria for establishing when one has the "disorder". To say with certainty that it's a common problem among a given demographic, you're going to need to be able to define exactly what "porn addiction" is and point to studies showing its prevalence by age group. 

Which is not to say that it doesn't exist, but only that the folks who write the diagnostic criteria for mental disorders feel that there isn't yet enough research in the area to include it yet.

"The addiction model is rarely used to describe high-frequency use of visual sexual stimuli (VSS) in research, yet common in media and clinical practice. The theory and research behind ‘pornography addiction’ is hindered by poor experimental designs, limited methodological rigor, and lack of model specification."

http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11930-014-0016-8


----------



## Cletus

lenzi said:


> That movie was realistic.
> 
> Brought out a lot of good points.


Well, now we've come full circle - from posters complaining that Hollywood (porn) was being used by men to foster unrealistic views of sexuality with partners to using Hollywood (mainstream movie) being used as a supposedly accurate reflection of dating age men.

The irony is delicious.


----------



## Healer

Cletus said:


> Citation, please. This is a particularly interesting statement since the DSM-5 does not include pornography addiction as a diagnosis nor does it contain differential criteria for establishing when one has the "disorder". To say with certainty that it's a common problem among a given demographic, you're going to need to be able to define exactly what "porn addiction" is and point to studies showing its prevalence by age group.
> 
> Which is not to say that it doesn't exist, but only that the folks who write the diagnostic criteria for mental disorders feel that there isn't yet enough research in the area to include it yet.
> 
> "The addiction model is rarely used to describe high-frequency use of visual sexual stimuli (VSS) in research, yet common in media and clinical practice. The theory and research behind ‘pornography addiction’ is hindered by poor experimental designs, limited methodological rigor, and lack of model specification."
> 
> The Emperor Has No Clothes: A Review of the â€˜Pornography Addictionâ€™ Model - Springer


Calm down, nobody is judging you because you watch porn.


----------



## Azure

22 and wants sex just once a week?! My H and I are in our mid twenties and we have sex daily, sometimes up to 3 times a day on weekends...so...yeah. 

My ex was LD and wanted it once a week only, but I think he had a masturbation/porn problem that I didn't know about. It drove me crazy and I couldn't live with that long-term.


----------



## Cletus

Healer said:


> Calm down, nobody is judging you because you watch porn.


Asking for someone to support a tenuous position is not a defense mechanism.


----------



## Healer

Cletus said:


> Asking for someone to support a tenuous position is not a defense mechanism.


Of course not.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

lenzi said:


> That movie was realistic.
> 
> Brought out a lot of good points.


lol, that movie was just about the most unrealistic thing I'd ever seen. There is no guy I know that thinks that movie is anymore other than agenda driven bs. It's down right absurd. Why go to the club to pick up these women for one night stands if he prefers porn to having sex with them? That's a gargantuan hole in the plot.

Don Jon is an extremely ridiculous caricature that bears little resemblance to reality.


----------



## Fozzy

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> lol, that movie was just about the most unrealistic thing I'd ever seen. There is no guy I know that thinks that movie is anymore other than agenda driven bs. It's down right absurd. Why go to the club to pick up these women for one night stands if he prefers porn to having sex with them? That's a gargantuan hole in the plot.
> 
> Don Jon is an extremely ridiculous caricature that bears little resemblance to reality.


It was worse than that--it was boring.


----------



## WandaJ

Thanks God my husband didn't ban porn for me! I would be in trouble...


----------



## Healer

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> lol, that movie was just about the most unrealistic thing I'd ever seen. There is no guy I know that thinks that movie is anymore other than agenda driven bs. It's down right absurd. Why go to the club to pick up these women for one night stands if he prefers porn to having sex with them? That's a gargantuan hole in the plot.
> 
> Don Jon is an extremely ridiculous caricature that bears little resemblance to reality.


It was a comedy. But I know dudes like that. Porn addicts that still are players who go out and have ons's for the conquest/ego.

What was the agenda? It was a funny story about a d0uchebag.


----------



## richie33

I thought Scarlett Johansens character was just as big of a *********.


----------



## Healer

richie33 said:


> I thought Scarlett Johansens character was just as big of a *********.


Terrible. And totally unattractive. That accent was awful.


----------



## jaquen

richie33 said:


> I thought Scarlett Johansens character was just as big of a *********.


Yeah, but she was hot as hell.

But my tastes vary. I totally dug him better with JM's character and probably would have made the same decision in his place. No matter how hot a woman is she's not worth it if she's trying to change and manipulate you to be her version of perfect the way ScarJo's character was.

I didn't think the movie was too unrealistic at all. There are lots of dudes from my generation, and younger, for whom porn has become basically their long time mistress, present and waiting no matter how much of a "player" they are.


----------



## Healer

jaquen said:


> Yeah, but she was hot as hell.
> 
> But my tastes vary. I totally dug him better with JM's character and probably would have made the same decision in his place. No matter how hot a woman is she's not worth it if she's trying to change and manipulate you to be her version of perfect the way ScarJo's character was.
> 
> I didn't think the movie was too unrealistic at all. There are lots of dudes from my generation, and younger, for whom porn has become basically their long time mistress, present and waiting no matter how much of a "player" they are.


She was such a wretched person in that film...it killed the hotness for me. JM's character was fairly tragic. I think JGL is a talented dude. He wrote and directed too.


----------



## jaquen

Healer said:


> She was such a wretched person in that film...it killed the hotness for me. JM's character was fairly tragic. I think JGL is a talented dude. He wrote and directed too.


Yep, no amount of hotness can out perform that kind of attitude.

But it wasn't a bad place to be in. I find JM so beautiful, even though in this film they her character wasn't suppose to be the "hot" one, like she still sometimes plays. But that earthiness and realness, and the way she brought life to his life, was very attractive. But yes, a lot of tragedy there.

JGL is one of my favorite actors of my generation. And I hope he continues on as an overall filmmaker because he did a fine job with this.


----------



## PBear

Are any of you interested in helping get the OP? 

C


----------



## Healer

PBear said:


> Are any of you interested in helping get the OP?
> 
> C


"get" the OP? Like "get down" with her? Nah man, that wouldn't be right.


----------



## jaquen

PBear said:


> Are any of you interested in helping get the OP?
> 
> C



And would you like to track down the OP so we can "get" her, seeing as she hasn't posted for nearly 2 weeks?

You got her home address? Cell #?


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

jaquen said:


> I didn't think the movie was too unrealistic at all. There are lots of dudes from my generation, and younger, for whom porn has become basically their long time mistress, present and waiting no matter how much of a "player" they are.


Preferring porn to the real thing? Porn is a constant for virtually every guy I've ever discussed the issue with, but preferring porn over the woman you just picked up? Porn presented as an "addiction" a guy simply must have even though he hooked up with that girl early that night? So much so he leaves the bed afterward so he can knock one out?

Absurd.


----------



## Fozzy

Yeah, that scene struck me as a little silly also.


----------



## jaquen

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Preferring porn to the real thing? Porn is a constant for virtually every guy I've ever discussed the issue with, but preferring porn over the woman you just picked up? Porn presented as an "addiction" a guy simply must have even though he hooked up with that girl early that night? So much so he leaves the bed afterward so he can knock one out?
> 
> Absurd.


Have you ever been to a "no FAP" board or thread on a male dominated board?

You'd be surprised. Yeah, porn addictions can do that.


----------



## Shoto1984

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> lol, that movie was just about the most unrealistic thing I'd ever seen. There is no guy I know that thinks that movie is anymore other than agenda driven bs. It's down right absurd. Why go to the club to pick up these women for one night stands if he prefers porn to having sex with them? That's a gargantuan hole in the plot.
> 
> Don Jon is an extremely ridiculous caricature that bears little resemblance to reality.


I couldn't disagree more. I think it was spot on for the way many men (probably young) see women and porn. I'm not saying its a bad thing.


----------



## Shoto1984

And the movie touched on both the addiction aspect and the preference aspect making valid and realistic points on both.


----------



## Starstarfish

> I rather let him watch porn than have him go to a naked strip clubs, or go pay for a prositute.
> 
> So he can watch porn all he wants, as long as he doesn't go physically have sex with another woman.


I'm not arguing for or against porn use in this instance - but that seems like totally the wrong reason for it. Like "if I let him X" he won't cheat or go visit prostitutes. 

If you are seriously concerned that your husband would otherwise go to visit prostitutes if it wasn't for porn, that's a problem. Because eventually the porn might not be enough and he'll go anyways.


----------



## Healer

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Preferring porn to the real thing? Porn is a constant for virtually every guy I've ever discussed the issue with, but preferring porn over the woman you just picked up? Porn presented as an "addiction" a guy simply must have even though he hooked up with that girl early that night? So much so he leaves the bed afterward so he can knock one out?
> 
> Absurd.


You not having encountered people like this doesn't make it "absurd". There are realities that exist outside of your own. But I'm sure you know that.


----------



## staarz21

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Preferring porn to the real thing? Porn is a constant for virtually every guy I've ever discussed the issue with, but preferring porn over the woman you just picked up? Porn presented as an "addiction" a guy simply must have even though he hooked up with that girl early that night? So much so he leaves the bed afterward so he can knock one out?
> 
> Absurd.


My H did/does. It's not unrealistic....not even in the slightest.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

jaquen said:


> Have you ever been to a "no FAP" board or thread on a male dominated board?
> 
> You'd be surprised. Yeah, porn addictions can do that.


I don't think it's fair to say the members of No Fap (I've seen the subreddit) are a sizeable, much less representative sample of male response to porn. Don Jon is such an extreme caricature so as to be meaningless - absurd - in light of the norm.

There are people who have killed themselves over the outcomes of World of Warcraft events, but we ought not allow the far extreme to drive a conclusion about World of Warcraft.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Healer said:


> You not having encountered people like this doesn't make it "absurd". There are realities that exist outside of your own. But I'm sure you know that.


It is meaningless to apply an extreme reaction in judgment of any given activity. That it is so extreme renders it utterly meaningless to the overwhelming majority - hence absurd.

This is not in any way remotely normal or common and I challenge anyone who claims it is. Such extremes are inappropriately used as excuses for unnecessary restrictions on the majority. The takeaway from Don Jon is as simple as it is ridiculous: watch porn and you won't be able to connect emotionally or able to be satisfied by sex with a partner.

Amazingly, the overwhelming share of men watch porn regularly, yet remain emotionally engaged, seek and are quite satisfied by sex with a partner. So much so it's a trope that they wish their wives would give it up more all while making up the difference while watching porn.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

staarz21 said:


> My H did/does. It's not unrealistic....not even in the slightest.


Your husband had sex and orgasmed, then got up afterward to masturbate?


----------



## michzz

independentgirl said:


> I haven't read all the pages of the thread, so I'm gonna answer the question based on the thread tittle:
> 
> I don't really see the big deal of my man watching porn. I rather let him watch porn than have him go to a naked strip clubs, or go pay for a prositute.
> 
> So he can watch porn all he wants, as long as he doesn't go physically have sex with another woman.





Starstarfish said:


> I'm not arguing for or against porn use in this instance - but that seems like totally the wrong reason for it. Like "if I let him X" he won't cheat or go visit prostitutes.
> 
> If you are seriously concerned that your husband would otherwise go to visit prostitutes if it wasn't for porn, that's a problem. Because eventually the porn might not be enough and he'll go anyways.





independentgirl said:


> Nahh, I didn't think it like that. iI was just a comparision that I rather let him watch porn than go visit prositute.
> 
> Let him go prositution if he wants, it his freedom.
> I will also pack my things and leave him, that is my freedom.


If I read you right, your preference is that he is home doing himself to porn instead of interacting with other women directly.

i don't agree with whomever it was who posted that porn will stop working and they'll end up at strip clubs or prostitution.

Nope.


----------



## Healer

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> It is meaningless to apply an extreme reaction in judgment of any given activity. That it is so extreme renders it utterly meaningless to the overwhelming majority - hence absurd.
> 
> This is not in any way remotely normal or common and I challenge anyone who claims it is. Such extremes are inappropriately used as excuses for unnecessary restrictions on the majority. The takeaway from Don Jon is as simple as it is ridiculous: watch porn and you won't be able to connect emotionally or able to be satisfied by sex with a partner.
> 
> Amazingly, the overwhelming share of men watch porn regularly, yet remain emotionally engaged, seek and are quite satisfied by sex with a partner. So much so it's a trope that they wish their wives would give it up more all while making up the difference while watching porn.


Lol. Now you're totally backtracking. Who said it was "normal"? You called it "absurd" and now you have people on this very board with first hand experiences with this behavior. You were proved wrong, take it like a man. 

Also, how do you know that "the overwhelming share of men watch porn regularly, yet remain emotionally engaged, seek and are quite satisfied by sex with a partner."? I'm sure you've met guys who are - just like we've met guys who are like the character in Don Jon. But we wouldn't be so arrogant as to call your presumption "absurd".


----------



## Starstarfish

> It is meaningless to apply an extreme reaction in judgment of any given activity. That it is so extreme renders it utterly meaningless to the overwhelming majority - hence absurd.


This pretty much sums up everything said about anything on TAM.



> This is not in any way remotely normal or common and I challenge anyone who claims it is. Such extremes are inappropriately used as excuses for unnecessary restrictions on the majority.


Not sure "normal" people hang around on TAM, just saying. 

Also - how does one honestly determine what is "normal" or "common" in regards to a topic like sex wherein people are socially conditioning to lie either to brag or out of shame? I mean even when you have a poll on TAM to try and figure out a "normal" if the answer is not what people expect it's instantly stated that "that's not a normal response."


----------



## jaquen

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I don't think it's fair to say the members of No Fap (I've seen the subreddit) are a sizeable, much less representative sample of male response to porn. Don Jon is such an extreme caricature so as to be meaningless - absurd - in light of the norm.
> 
> There are people who have killed themselves over the outcomes of World of Warcraft events, but we ought not allow the far extreme to drive a conclusion about World of Warcraft.


And I'm still saying that it's not nearly as rare as you believe.

This isn't an issue of Don Jon being implausible to the point of absurdity. It's an issue that you can't fathom that such a reality exists, and therefore find it absurd. 

One of my oldest friends was a Don Jon: Very handsome, always had women, yet was a bonafide porn addict who, at times, found more enjoyment with big booty hoes 15 than he did with some of the gorgeous girls in his bed.

He had some issues with women, and himself, that he eventually worked out. He's hardly alone. You would be amazed at how many men have grown more comfortable and accustomed to porn than the real thing, no matter how much they get it.

Amazed.


----------



## Shoto1984

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Porn presented as an "addiction" a guy simply must have even though he hooked up with that girl early that night? So much so he leaves the bed afterward so he can knock one out?
> 
> Absurd.


And its not necesarily about addiction. If you've gone at it for a few hours and she's exhausted sleeping next to you and you're still ready for more you've got a choice to make. Lay there and stare at the ceiling or rub another one out and sleep. Porn might be part of plan B.


----------



## Starstarfish

> And its not necesarily about addiction. If you've gone at it for a few hours and she's exhausted sleeping next to you and you're still ready for more you've got a choice to make. Lay there and stare at the ceiling or rub another one out and sleep. Porn might be part of plan B.


Is this actually a common problem where you've been "at it for a few hours" and it's just not enough?

That might not be a "porn addiction" but it does sound like an orgasm addiction.


----------



## staarz21

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Your husband had sex and orgasmed, then got up afterward to masturbate?


Yes.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Healer said:


> Lol. Now you're totally backtracking. Who said it was "normal"? You called it "absurd" and now you have people on this very board with first hand experiences with this behavior. You were proved wrong, take it like a man.
> 
> Also, how do you know that "the overwhelming share of men watch porn regularly, yet remain emotionally engaged, seek and are quite satisfied by sex with a partner."? I'm sure you've met guys who are - just like we've met guys who are like the character in Don Jon. But we wouldn't be so arrogant as to call your presumption "absurd".


Ah, so Don Jon is an example of abnormal response to porn? Cool, that's my point. So far from normal I call it absurd. Not sure what you think "proved" me wrong.

I'm sorry, but Don Jon IS absurd. So abnormal as to be irrelevant and meaningless in wider discussion of porn watching. Nearly every boy watches porn, and it's more than safe to say Don Jons of the world, if they exist, are a fraction of a fraction. You may as well make judgments about violence in video games because some sociopathic kid murdered someone after playing gta v. Even if you could prove the entertainment to be the catalyst for the negative behavior in that case, you still have the easy majority that is not affected to anywhere near that degree.

Do you mean to tell me that you think virtually all or even most men are unable to be emotionally engaged and satisfied with sex as a result of watching porn, as is the case for Don Jon? No? Of course not, because you recognize it as an absurdly extreme caricature. An extreme exception. And what informative value does this absurdity have for the rest of us? No more than the sociopathic gamer. Nothing.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Perhaps my choice of words, "absurd" is the hang up and another word would have been better. I chose absurd to relate the degree to which I find no meaning or value in the character Don Jon per a wider discussion of porn. Hell, some people are turned on by peeing on someone... I'm well aware that virtually anything can exist in regards to sexuality. But the character as any sort of statement on men is absolutely absurd.

It's informative value or reflection of reality is about as worthy as a movie about fecal play.


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## Healer

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Perhaps my choice of words, "absurd" is the hang up and another word would have been better. I chose absurd to relate the degree to which I find no meaning or value in the character Don Jon per a wider discussion of porn. Hell, some people are turned on by peeing on someone... I'm well aware that virtually anything can exist in regards to sexuality. But the character as any sort of statement on men is absolutely absurd.
> 
> It's informative value or reflection of reality is about as worthy as a movie about fecal play.


Yes, your use of the word "absurd" was way off. I never asserted that every guy who watched porn is Don Jon.


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## lifeistooshort

Shoto1984 said:


> And its not necesarily about addiction. If you've gone at it for a few hours and she's exhausted sleeping next to you and you're still ready for more you've got a choice to make. Lay there and stare at the ceiling or rub another one out and sleep. Porn might be part of plan B.


If you're ready for more why do you need porn? One of the effects of porn is that it makes people think they're higher drive than they actually are. If I'm ready I sure as sh!t don't need porn.


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## DvlsAdvc8

Healer said:


> Yes, your use of the word "absurd" was way off. I never asserted that every guy who watched porn is Don Jon.


No, you didn't, but I believe referencing Don Jon in a thread titled "is it unrealistic to ask a guy to not watch porn" is the presentation of Don Jon as evidence for an argument against porn on the basis that his problems are an intrinsic attribute of porn.

ie - that the alcoholic is an alcoholic because drinking alcohol inherently leads to alcoholism.

That's usually why Don Jon gets brought up in these discussions. If that wasn't the intention, disregard.


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## chaos

You were betrayed and I am your side BUT since you laid your non negotiable deal breakers to him at the beginning of your relationship and he agreed but then turned around and broke one of those rules, it is now your responsibility to enforce them and dump him ASAP. Letting this slide only shows him that he can do anything he wants and there will be no repercussions for doing so.


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## Healer

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> No, you didn't, but I believe referencing Don Jon in a thread titled "is it unrealistic to ask a guy to not watch porn" is the presentation of Don Jon as evidence for an argument against porn on the basis that his problems are an intrinsic attribute of porn.
> 
> ie - that the alcoholic is an alcoholic because drinking alcohol inherently leads to alcoholism.
> 
> That's usually why Don Jon gets brought up in these discussions. If that wasn't the intention, disregard.


No, it wasn't, and I have nothing against porn. In fact, I like it, a lot. However I've quit it watching it since I've been seeing this gal - 1 month now. Not because she asked me to though, I just found it was affecting my performance in the sack. It was easy to give it up.


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## itskaren

ariel_angel77 said:


> I've attained a boyfriend recently, and at the beginning of the relationship I told him there are 2 things I will not accept: Smoking and porn. That's just how I feel. He said ok. Well one night while I was asleep he sent me a text that said "I'm gonna need some nudes asap." I didn't get it until the next morning though. I just looked through his history today and found that he watched porn that night. Didn't tell me about it, nothing.
> 
> While the fact that he hid it from me and did it despite agreeing to not doing it bothers me tremendously, (my ex husband all over again-sigh), it really bothers me that he wasn't into sex at all when I came over the next night. It was like I already knew that he had watched it because he didn't need me. This pisses me off because he has a lower drive than I do, and I'm always dying for him to get super horny like me. And of course, when he finally does, he watches porn since I'm not available, and then he's not that horny when I do come over the next day. Not to mention we tried to do it this morning but he lost his erection.
> 
> I just feel really betrayed, mostly by the fact that it feels like he gets more horny with porn than me. Should I be upset with him? If so, what should I say?


In one word ''yes'' it is just ridiculous not to expect a man not to watch porn. It does not bother me in the slightest. 

I guess that's just me ..


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