# Privacy after infidelity



## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

I have been married 27yrs now and just found out my husband has been cheating on me for the past 2+ yrs and had been a member on penpal international looking since 2002. 
How much privacy should I allow him; do I have the right to look at his cell phone and know all his emails and passwords. I realize he could have as many as he wanted and I wouldn't know. He makes me feel like an annoyance and I should just trust he said it is over and he will never do it again. To quote him, "I wish you could be a fly on the wall." Well I am not that fly on the wall and the wondering kills me. But I don't want to be that obnoxious wife.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He gets zero privacy since he has cheated. None. 

Is he willing to reconcile? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage right again? And that means ZERO privacy. He MUST be willing to be accountable for every move he makes. If he is not, then you need to move on.

*BE *the obnoxious wife. Seriously. Being nice gets you nothing but walked on. Being a b!tch gets you respected.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When you take vows---you give up the expectation of privacy

The 2 of you are spose to be open books to each other

If one wants privacy, one should stay single


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Another poster once wrote, "In marriage, closing the door when using the bathroom is privacy. Hiding your phone/email/Facebook is secrecy. Marriages can't tolerate secrecy."

So don't feel bad about checking up on him.

Rather than you openly checking up on him, you could install keylogger software on your computer and put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car. You'll then know what his activities are without making a nuisance of yourself. He can think he has his secrecy back and you can see what he does with it.


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

The mistake I guess I am making is trying not to upset him and push him away. If I show anger or mistrust in any way he goes into emotional shut down. Life really sucks right now. Been seeing a counselor together and now after 12 weeks she wants to see me alone. Not sure what that is about, but my husband for sure thinks it is because I am the problem, which will only validate him more. LIFE SUCKS!


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

My H has ZERO privacy. He can't so much as take a dump without asking me first.

ANY and ALL communication goes through me first or I am in the room and he is on speaker phone. I carry his phone 95% of the time, password locked his entire life and he absolutely can not leave the house without me EVER.

If it ever gets to a point that he can't handle it, he is welcomed to leave. I hope that at some point I gain trust and respect back but until then I have no problem over controlling him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Heartshattered said:


> The mistake I guess I am making is trying not to upset him and push him away. If I show anger or mistrust in any way he goes into emotional shut down. Life really sucks right now. Been seeing a counselor together and now after 12 weeks she wants to see me alone. Not sure what that is about, but my husband for sure thinks it is because I am the problem, which will only validate him more. LIFE SUCKS!


He is playing you.


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## Heartshattered (Aug 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> He is playing you.


I have been wondering a lot if he is just holding on for his own sake. I found a post once that he planned on moving to Germany(OW lives there) in 2 yrs. That would be when our youngest son graduates from highschool; this year. He denies it and has made attempts to amend but they do not seem to appear as real, maybe that is just me. I am afraid to move on and believe, in, in fear that I will be hurt again in the end. He became so arrogant and distant these past 2 yrs, I ignored it. I think I knew all along. He is a self absorbed person, even the counselor told him that. A small moment that I felt validated.

Maybe he is playing me. He once said to me when I first found out back in March, that he wanted 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks without me. My mother says sirens should be going off in my head. I continue to make excuses. Funny how my father cheated on my mom when i was a child, for several years and he brought us to her house. My mother took it and I use to say she is weak, should leave the idiot when I got older. Look at me know...I swore if a man did that to me I would leave him. You dont know till you walk in the shoes!


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