# 16 years...lost, confused...hurt



## lost_girl (Dec 26, 2013)

I have been looking around and have seen some of the advise that has been given to others here and decided that maybe just maybe someone could offer some advise to me......

I have been married to mu husband for 16 years, we have 2 children one 15 and one 10. We both work full time, he works 3rd shift 10:30-7:00 I work 12 hour swing shifts bouncing back and forth every shift from 630am-630pm to 6300pm-630am. We both work rather demanding jobs mentally. 

A little back ground on our marriage: We married less than a month after I graduated high school, he was in the military and had been when I met him, so our dating even though it was for almost 2 years was haphazard and different...almost 7 months of the 2 years he spent over seas. I became pregnant with out first child about 6 month after we were married and he was still active duty.

I was young and in love and I just knew that this was going to be great...I knew it wouldn't be perfect cause well no one is perfect but that no matter what we would work out anything that happened......

well fast forward to now.....

I am so unhappy that I don't know which way to turn. Things have just gotten to where all I think about is what it would be like to be alone with my kids.

For everything that the outside world sees I have the perfect life, 2 kids, nice house, the lil dog, good jobs...but they don't see what I deal with everyday, and a lot of people may call me petty for the issues that I have but I think what has happened is that over the years it has all built up inside me and I just cant take it any more and I have no idea where to turn anymore.

I feel like I have a room mate living with me, or a 3rd child... I can not for the life of me get him to help me out no matter how much I ask or beg or plead. I will work a 12 hour shift and come home and have to cook and clean and wash clothes and so on. while he sits and watches tv or plays video games. 

I can wake up and night after working the night before and having to go in that same night and I get asked whats for dinner...when he is either off or wont go in until 1030.

Getting things done with him never happens..my Christmas lights never got put up because he promised me they would go up the day after thanksgiving and here we are the day after Christmas and they never made it out of the box. 

But yet even though I do everything from the trash to the dishes and everything in between I still walk on egg shells in my house. Its constantly telling the kids, you have to keep it down so you don't upset daddy...be quiet, turn the tv down... I even have to be careful with cleaning because of the smell of cleaning supplies or the noise from dishes or the washing machine. 

When I leave my house I get a million and a half questions and if I do get out by the time I leave I feel like crap because he either had made me feel so bad about leaving or made me so mad by the millions of questions that make me feel like a kid being tracked by a parent.

My social life sucks... I have very few friend and he has no problem straight up telling me that he hates my friends... I have tried to get him to do things with people he works with and he told me that he didn't need friends that he was perfectly fine all alone, but yet when I try to do things with my friends I get the third degree...try to get him to go with my friends and most of the time its no, so most of the time I turn down invites because i don't want the problems at home. If he decides he will go... he sits and sulks all night and makes the night bad for everyone.

He could care less to do things with the kids, he always has an excuse ... my heart broke this summer when I watched my son cry because all he wanted was his dad to go throw a ball with him and he wouldn't because it was too hot outside. 

My daughter, well she has noticed problems, she even said to me one night in the kitchen that something was wrong with him because all he did was sit with his ear phones in watching movies on the computer. 

The bad thing is, he will notice that things are going south and that I am unhappy and he will get better for a couple days maybe and then its back to the same things all over again.

I just don't know what to do, talking to him is like talking to a brick wall, it either bounces right off and he has no clue, or he tell me in crazy and that things are fine and I am just being too emotional or sensitive and walks away. The last time I tried to stand up for what I wanted that is what happened....he wouldn't talk to me, he just walked away to the living room and put in the dang ear buds.

It has gotten to the point that even our intimate relationship sucks. I don't want that anymore, I could care less at this point if he ever touched me again. But right now when he does its like I am a slab of meat. He gets what he wants and that's it...he gets his and its done and over with and it used to bother me, now I am just glad when its over. 

It hurts so much to see what I had thought would be my life forever falling apart right in front of me. I never dreamed that I would be here ( but I guess no one does ) its hard and confusing and heart breaking specially when it gets to the point that you don't even want to go home because he is there or when he walks in the door your stomach automatically turns into knots. I find myself doing anything that I can to stay away from him when he is home...either cleaning or sleeping to stay out of the living room where he is. That is not how I wanted to be living its not what I need or want. 

I know that this is not the best put together post, and for that I am very sorry. I just hope that someone out there can relate to me and maybe help me clear up all the mess in my head.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Sorry you are here, Lost.

I think a lot of people will relate to your story. I've read several stories like it over the last year or so.

FWIW, I think you were both way too young to get married. But what's done is done.

Questions you need to ask yourself:

1.) Why are you tolerating a relationship like this? Are you hoping some day he will wake up and change?

2.) What are your options? If you divorce, can you handle living the divorced, co-parenting lifestyle? Have you tried Marriage Counseling?

It sounds like he has a video game addiction, btw.

Sometimes men need a "jolt". It has to be a hard one so it gets through their thick skulls. Filing for Divorce, for example. Or a trial separation.


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## LeeLee123 (May 9, 2013)

"The problem has its origins in childhood, long before a young man & woman stand at the altar to say, "I do." For her part, the girl is taught subtly by her culture that marriage is a lifelong romantic experience; that loving husbands are entirely responsible for the happiness of their wives; that a good relationship between a man & a woman should be sufficient to meet all needs and desires; and that any sadness or depression that a woman might encounter is her husband's fault. At least, he has the power to eradicate it if he cares enough. In other words, many American women come into marriage with unrealistically romantic expectations which are certain to be dashed. No only does this orientation set up a bride for disappointment and agitation in the future, it also places enormous pressure on her husband to deliver the impossible. 
Unfortunately, the man of the house was taught some misconceptions in his formative years, too. He learned, perhaps from his father, that his only responsibility is to provide materially for his family. He must enter a business or profession and succeed at all costs, climbing the ladder of success and achieving an ever-increasing standard of living as proof of manhood. It never occurs to him that he is supposed to "carry" his wife emotionally. For Pete's sake! If he pays the family's bills and is a loyal husband, what more could any woman ask for? He simply doesn't understand what she wants.
Inevitably, these differing assumptions collide head-on during the early years of marriage.... What gradually develops from that misunderstanding is a deep abiding anger of the wife's part, and a bewildered disgust from the husband... Gradually his personality begins to change. He hates conflict with his wife and withdraws as a means of avoidance."
When I read your post, I thought of this book I have been reading titled "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, and I wanted to share with you the beginning of the chapter titled "Angry Women and Passive Men" because it seems to mirror how you have described your marriage. Maybe you can get a copy of the book and it may help. 
So how do we fix it? Well, I can't type the whole chapter, but is marriage counseling an option for the two of you? Counseling would offer you both a neutral place to learn to express your desires and needs to each other. Women have this great need to be loved, and men have this great need to be respected. And it is so hard to look past our own needs, and give the other spouse what they need. But I'm sure after 16 years of marriage, you are aware that sacrificial love is sometimes needed (and I use the term "sacrificial" because you aren't feelin' the love but choose to love back because you want to save your marriage). 
Hope this helps and thanks for posting today. Take care.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

sounds like your husband is depressed and has been for quite a while. Has he retired from the military? Could it be PTSD?
I suggest marriage counseling if you want to salvage your marriage. THe time to walk on eggshells and be idle is gone, YOU must start being pro active to save your marriage if that is what you want. Your husband will not because he may not realize something is wrong.
Marriage counseling and individual counseling.
Good luck to you both


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I am sorry that you have reached the point where you are this frustrated with your relationship. Each individual piece may not be a dealbreaker but the overall picture has gotten you to that point. 

You obviously want some change, ask yourself a couple of questions. How many times have you asked, complained, yelled about certain things. Has any of it changed? Most likely not. Has there ever been any penalty for things not changing, again probably not. Your husband hears your complaints as idle threats. In his head why should things change, dinner is still on the table, his underwear is still washed, his wants are being taken care of.

Instead of talking or complaining about a problem why don’t you try and back it up. Give him the ultimatum so to speak and if he doesn’t make a deadline this will be the consequence. When the time comes you better then back up the consequence, stand up for yourself. He doesn’t have any penalty for not doing things and he is coasting by because you will do it. 

After sixteen years you both know each other pretty well, you also know that everything you have tried has failed to get his attention. You want an equal partner in the marriage yet he doesn’t view you that way. Till he starts to view you as an equal partner and not a convenience item its not going to change. 

Counseling may help this but I suspect he wont go because history has taught him you will cave in. Time to take a stand, you are willing to work hard, you can stand on your own two feet he needs to start seeing that and believe it. If he doesn’t change, it is his choice and then really it makes your choices easier.


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## lost_girl (Dec 26, 2013)

Three: I think you are right about that we got married too young, I think I wanted someone to love me so badly that I was blindsided and didn't see the red flags when I should have.

your questions...

1) I think you are 99% right that I am hoping that he will wake up and see what is happening and make a change.
2) I have thought about my options and right now the biggest thing that is holding me back from making any decision is my children, even though I know that they see how things are I fear in my heart that they will hate me if I leave and break up the family. I have reached the point that if he were to tell me that he was leaving that I wouldn't bat an eyelash and wouldn't shed a tear. 
I have not tried counseling, but have thought about mentioning it to him...however with the way that he acts I don't feel like he would agree to it, anytime that I have brought up an issue he blows it off, wont talk to me about it and retreats to his game and or moive/tv. Tells me that I am over reacting or being too sensitive. 

I thought about telling him that I wanted a trial separation but then I don't know how that would go over either, again my biggest fear is my kids. His family is over 24 hours away driving time and I am so scared that if I bring that up that he will take off with my kids and I don't have the funds to fight him if he did that...some members of his family have money and would fight for him, I don't have that option. Its VERY scary to think of. 


Ne: He did 4 years of active duty and has been out since Dec of 98...I think he may have some depression issues but nothing that he has ever voiced to me, something has to be up for him to have the swings that he does in his attitude

Honcho: you are so right...it wasn't one thing, it was everything just being piled on top of everything else and me never standing up for myself and now its almost like I don't know how to do that....maybe your right...maybe he thinks that I cant do it on my own, that I cant stand on my own 2 feet and that I cant do it without him there, maybe that's why he wont change and help out...I don't know why but I never thought about that, I never thought that maybe his way of acting was because he thinks that I wont do cause he thinks I cant....


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