# What should i do?



## MRSG4LIFE (Jul 23, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for almost 13 yrs and married for almost 7. Over the last couple years he has been contacting women on social sites and texting/talking to them and even chatting with some of them. I find it very hurtful and see this as a form of cheating. He says he is just bored and this is why he does this, no intention of ever meeting these women and being intimate.

We are at a point where I don't trust him, we just had a situation last week where he was asking another woman if she would ever be with a married man. He admits what he does is wrong and apologizes and every time I think things are back to normal this same issue arises.

We had a talk last night, the final talk to see if we should continue or let go. I feel like I have a room mate instead of a husband. I don't know what to do. Am I reading too much into the talking/chatting/texting? Is this a form of cheating?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It is a boundary issue. I would dare suggest that for many married couples, indiscriminate messaging with opposite sex friends would not be acceptable to the other spouse. 

When you add in the fact that you have now discovered inappropriate banter in those messages, it now becomes a boundary "no brainer". You shouldn't tolerate it. 

This is how affairs start. Whether or not that is his intention for now, is irrelevant. But, it sounds likes he's fishing. 

Additionally, I'd be doing some other covert snooping on him if I were you. Check his cell phone records. Put a VAR in his car. Sneak out his cell phone to look for texts or to see if he has deleted texts.


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## MRSG4LIFE (Jul 23, 2013)

@badmemory....I checked his cell phone and this is how I found out this information...also even though he admits he is wrong, he also says I'm wrong for going and looking for stuff...he says if you look for it you will find it...I don't want things to end, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable and believe he is no longer doing these type of things.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like a deal breaker to me. do you think you can be happy with someone who cares so little about his wife that he would do this and then try to put the spin on it that you shouldn't have looked so your wrong too.


good luck.


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## MRSG4LIFE (Jul 23, 2013)

@chillymorn...that's my dillema. I know I don't deserve it and all he can say is he doesn't know why he does it....I am really torn


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Mrs 4G, My WH has had 3 online/texting affairs (one years ago and the last two starting in 2011-same OW twice) and they progressed very quickly from friendly game room chatting to sexting and "I love yous". 

The first time he didn't know if he wanted to stay married to me and it was a very shocking and painful several months. The second OW and he never intended to leave their spouses but became very close , very fast and the sexting was shameful including sending nude pics of themselves. 

This is a very common scenario for online/phone affairs. Some people don't see it as serious as there is no actual physical contact, but I was not OK with my H telling someone else he loved her and having virtual sex with her so I told him it would be over between us if it continued.

It has stopped and he knows he has no more chances with me. If you are not OK with it you need to tell him now. My H knows I will be checking his phone and computer for a while to make sure I am not wasting my time trying to save something that's not salvageable.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> @badmemory....I checked his cell phone and this is how I found out this information...also even though he admits he is wrong, he also says I'm wrong for going and looking for stuff...he says if you look for it you will find it...I don't want things to end, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable and believe he is no longer doing these type of things.


MrsG,

You need to sit down with him and let him know that what he's doing is inappropriate and disrespectful to you. I've been on this board long enough to see sample speeches for just about every occasion. Here's one you could try:

_I can't control what you do or can't do. But I can control what I will accept from you as your wife. And I'm telling you as reasonably as I possibly can, I won't accept your messaging with opposite sex friends - especially since I know what type of conversations you are having. It suggests that you are looking for an affair partner. But whether you are are aren't, you are totally disrespecting me and our marriage.

I love you but the choice is yours. Stop disrespecting me or I'll be talking to an attorney._

Ultimately, you have to use the D ammunition to present ultimatums like this - and this is NOT an unreasonable ultimatum.

If he agrees, keep monitoring him and keep looking for other red flags. I'd also get him to agree to MC.

If he doesn't, implement the 180 (find the link here or google it) to start detaching, kick him out of your bedroom, and do what you threatened to do. Talk to an attorney and start the D process. You can always reconsider the D, if he comes around, but he needs to know you are serious and won't be his door mat.

If there was an easier way to approach this, I'd give it to you; but this is where you're at.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## MRSG4LIFE (Jul 23, 2013)

Thanks PamJ! I told him that it can't happen anymore because it has been tearing me apart emotionally. I appreciate your comment.


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## MRSG4LIFE (Jul 23, 2013)

badmemory said:


> MrsG,
> 
> You need to sit down with him and let him know that what he's doing is inappropriate and disrespectful to you. I've been on this board long enough to see sample speeches for just about every occasion. Here's one you could try:
> 
> ...


We had a talk last night and he is now considering leaving and I am wondering is it because he can't stop or is it something else. I have given him that speech...I think the next step would be to leave him if it continues.

Thanks for your post.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Another thing Mrs G. You are not wrong for looking at his stuff. Why? Because you had reason to suspect and those suspicions were confirmed. Don't let him play that card on you. He's trying to blame shift.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> We had a talk last night and he is now considering leaving and I am wondering is it because he can't stop or is it something else. I have given him that speech...I think the next step would be to leave him if it continues.
> 
> Thanks for your post.


If he's that willing to leave, add that to the other list of red flags for him having an A or looking for one. 

Stand your ground. If you re-draw that line in the sand, he'll respect you even less; and just continue to do what he's been doing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You don't deserve his nonsense! Really! Time he manned up, Imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Of course what he's doing is wrong! The fact he has you half convinced otherwise tells me that he is really good at gaslighting you, and that you only know about the tip of the iceberg. Even if you don't think it's cheating (I certainly think it is - read my story) it's still wrong.

If he is really ready to leave because of this, let the door hit him on his way out. Honestly, what a jerk.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Mrs.G., IMHO he has started fishing and is progressing into the PA mode. His behavior is indicative of someone wanting more than his 9-5 relationship with you. In my life I am happy that a woman wants to spend her life with me. I am not abusive, mentally or physically. I give, support, love, cherish, respect and adore my wife. The big one in that ramble is respect. We have that for each other. It makes the relationship bond that much stronger. What your SO is doing is breaking the chains of loves, one link at a time. Put your foot down, now or it will only get worse. If he wants to go and leave behind everything that you both have worked for, then let him go. To me these things are all games, I don't know about you but I don't like playing games when it comes to destroying my marriage. Good luck Mrs.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

MrsG4,

Maybe you should meet with a lawyer, get his opinion,understand your options and serve him and see if this makes a dent in that thick skull of his.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> I feel like I have a room mate instead of a husband.


What's with that? That doesn't quite fit in with a post on infidelity. That's a much bigger issue. You need to figure this out first. His cheating is just a byproduct of this. Care to expand?

A whole big thread on "he's chatting with strange women" but almost nothing on "and he doesn't seem to love me any more".

You need to get the cart back out in front of the horse.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> We had a talk last night and he is now considering leaving and I am wondering is it because he can't stop or is it something else.


It's something else. See my last post.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Let me get this right.

He is chatting & sexting with other women and you DON'T Like it?

He is blaming you and this is YOUR fault because you looked at his phone?

You have asked him to stop and he does NOT?

You have expressed your hurt and frustration and he is thinking of leaving YOU?

What incentive do you have to stay married to such a self righteous, self entitled, disrespectful person. ( I will not call him a man, because he is more like a child) 

How dare he belittle, you, your marriage, your vows and your self worth! Why are you not detaching and speaking to an attorney. Don't just call his bluff! Really, do it! He is walking all over you.

I have learned something very clearly over the last several months. Mean what you say and say what you mean! Do not sacrifice your feelings and needs for such an idiot. There is way more to this situation than just sexting and chatting. Your H is looking to exit the M and is taking your self esteem with him. Please get strong!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> @badmemory....I checked his cell phone and this is how I found out this information...also even though he admits he is wrong, he also says I'm wrong for going and looking for stuff*...he says if you look for it you will find it...*I don't want things to end, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable and believe he is no longer doing these type of things.


Excuse me? If you look for it, you should NOT find it, that's what a marriage is about. He should have no problem with you looking at anything he does on his friggin phone. You are telling him you have boundaries and he's treating them as if they are mere expectations. That's being an asshat.

It's no wonder you are feeling so uncomfortable. I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> @chillymorn...that's my dillema. I know I don't deserve it and *all he can say is he doesn't know why he does it....*I am really torn


Have him post here. We'll tell him why he does it.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> @badmemory....I checked his cell phone and this is how I found out this information...also even though he admits he is wrong, he also says I'm wrong for going and looking for stuff...*he says if you look for it you will find it*...I don't want things to end, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable and believe he is no longer doing these type of things.


How about this... 

If I search for something, and find it... and it's because you're acting like a selfish idiot, don't try to spin it that it's somehow my fault that you can no longer be trusted. 

Prove to me that you're trustworthy, and I won't need to go 'looking for stuff'.

Right now the only thing you've proven is that you're not to be trusted, that you're careless and that you don't understand boundaries in a marriage. You're clearly looking for a fling, and rubbing my nose in it. I won't stand by and take your abuse, so you have two options, act like a grown man and not a fifteen year old boy and work on your issues, or leave.

A start to accepting and working on your issues, and showing me you're committed to our marriage, is to delete your FB account. Show me our marriage is more important to you. Delete all social networking accounts, and give access to the PC and all passwords. Install a keylogger and give me the details. Unlock your phone and give me access to all records, credit card bills, phone logs etc..

You get the idea. Don't let him control you. You control the situation, and force him to act one way or the other.

Buy the book "NOT Just Friends", and give it to him. Have him read it, or read it to him.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

MrK makes some good points, it sounds like he's shutting you out and being cruel for a reason.. something is up with the relationship for him to be so cold towards you. He's probably using the FB thing, and letting you know about it, and letting you find it, because he wants to make you worry or wonder about him with other women. He might feel that you're not finding him attractive, or many other things going on that's creating the tension... MC would be a good start.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MRSG4LIFE said:


> @badmemory....I checked his cell phone and this is how I found out this information...also even though he admits he is wrong, he also says I'm wrong for going and looking for stuff...he says if you look for it you will find it...I don't want things to end, but I don't know if I will ever be comfortable and believe he is no longer doing these type of things.


 He seems to be addicted to it, and he seems to not actually love you. Or he wouldn't be doing it.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

MRSG, I am going through exactly the same thing. My husband has now stopped doing this, but I have to always check his phone and his computer. I am finding it so very hard to trust any information he tells me now. I am almost paranoid whenever he goes out and basically interrogate him. It makes me feel horrible.

You definitely have to talk to him. I told my husband that I couldn't trust somebody who was willing to have sexual conversations with another woman. It's so disrespectful of our marriage. I also asked my husband to reverse the roles and think what if I was talking to men like this. It took him a few days but he realized that he was really mistaken. Hopefully, you can work this out. 

You are NOT overreacting. Do something about it now before it turns into a full on affair, which is where it might be headed.


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## Beneficient (Jun 17, 2013)

Mrs. Your story sounds similar to mine and I'm so sorry that is happening to you. Stand your ground - you are worth it!


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