# Help - Step-daughter disrespect



## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I am truly looking for advice on what to do, because I'm at a loss. I'm sorry for how long this is going to be. 

For context, my husband and I have been married for a little over a year, we have a blended family of 5 children (plus one "in-law"). We currently have 4 of them living with us at the moment - my daughter (13), step-son (17), step-daughter (18) and her girlfriend (18).

Overall I would say we've done a pretty good job of bringing our two families together. We've definitely had ups and downs but for the most part we have a pretty happy household. We try our hardest to make sure that the kids are all treated equally, and we definitely make sure that all their needs are met (and more). 

In my opinion, we ask very little of them - they each have a set of chores to do every week as well as the basic expectation to clean up after themselves etc etc. But even this was a fight to get H's children to do (and I am not speaking out of turn - my husband would readily admit to this) and took months and months of us consistently asking/reminding/threatening with consequences to get them to finally start doing this on a regular basis. This is especially frustrating since they pretty much want for nothing. We don't ask those that drive to pay for the gas in the car, contribute towards insurance and all cell phone bills are paid for by us. Only one of them currently has a job (step-daughter's girlfriend)).

Now to my current dilemma. I've been trying to figure out a way to explain this without the very embarrassing details, but I can't figure out how and have it make sense - so here we go. Last weekend, my husband and I were partaking in "adult time" (you know what I mean). It was pretty late, we made sure to have the TV on in the background and we always do our best to be as discreet as possible. 

Afterward, I got a text notification and given the late hour, I made sure to check in case it was an emergency. It was from my step-daughter who felt the need to tell me that I "should be going to a hotel if I was going to make so much noise". I was immediately in shock and showed it to H. He checked his phone in case she sent him something as well, but it turns out it was just to me. I was so incredibly embarrassed and hurt that she would be so disrespectful in that way, and H was furious. He wanted to go and confront her right away, but I discouraged him given the lateness of the hour and the likelihood it would become heated (and not wanting to wake the entire household). 

I (fortunately) had to go out of town for work the following day, so I did not have to cross-paths with SD for several days. My H had said that once he was calm, he would talk to her and explain to her just how disrespectful and hurtful what she said was, as we are a loving and married couple, it's normal, and quite frankly this is our house. Again, we are always discreet, but she could have simply turned some music on, her TV etc if she was concerned she'd be able to hear us from her room. 

She hid in her room for the next several days, but H finally spoke to her the other night but she maintains that she was not in the wrong for what she did, and would not apologize for it and basically walked away from him. She is back to hiding in her room and is avoiding all interaction. H said he would leave it another day or two and then try again. My thoughts are that if at 18 she can't recognize just how out of line she was, then giving it another day or two won't change anything. I'm not confident at all that she will apologize, and if that is the case, then I will want to have very little interaction moving forward. While I want to be the bigger person, she was intentionally hurtful and I won't just turn the other cheek (especially given everything we provide for her). 

I don't even really know what kind of advice I'm looking for - maybe I'm just looking to see if I'm overreacting, or if there are suggestions on what we can do to help her understand (and apologize). I'm at a total loss.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Holy ****. You aren't overreacting. Is she in college, or high school? If she's in college, it's time she moved into the dorm.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

You aren't overreacting. Honestly the best advice I have is to get them out of the house. I wouldn't be supporting her in anyway.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Most of the background stuff is kind of irrelevant. You don't need to justify everything, and all of the other issues are tangential at best, and mostly irrelevant.

If I were you, I'd be blunt and simply say "I'm not going to apologize for having sex with my husband and what you did was inappropriate. That said, we do make efforts, and we'll continue to try to and discreet going forward. If you have a problem with it, you're 18, you can get a job, and you can move out."

of course, this assumes you and your husband are on the same page here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First thing I would do is stop paying her bills. She’s old enough to work so why isn’t she working because it appears she’s not in school.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jeanie said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I am truly looking for advice on what to do, because I'm at a loss. I'm sorry for how long this is going to be.
> 
> ...


She is carrying around some anger. Either toward you, her dad, her gf...something. I would dig into that.

She's an adult, treat her that way. (an entitled adult apparently)
Ask her why she isn't happy that her dad has a loving relationship and can express it physically.

You didn't talk much about her but I wonder if she isn't having difficulties with the alternative lifestyle and lashing out.
Or similarly, if she is simply lashing out against the hetero lifestyles.
I know that's a leap to make, but it comes to mind as something that could potentially make a person angry.

I would dig into why she is angry about it. Look for the reason behind the reason.

If in the end she won't cooperate then let her be mad. Ignore her. Start being louder, let her move out if she doesn't like it.
She is an adult, don't let her control your happiness.

Best of luck to you.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Buy her noise cancelling headphones for Christmas & make more noise the next time you & your husband have adult time. Engage in plenty of PDA around the house. Hopefully she will move out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I think you are overreacting....you are giving her opinions and attitude way more power over you than you should. 

Like you said, it's YOUR house and you provide alot for her, and she was clearly in the wrong for trying to humiliate you. However, I think she was probably uncomfortable and couldn't think of a mature way to handle that, and that's why she texted you.

If I were you, I wouldn't care one bit about making her understand your point of view and your feelings about it, because that's not going to work at all. But I would make sure to take ALL the power you are giving her back.

I would simply go to her and say, since it's your house, SHE is welcome to go stay at a hotel if she wants to, but you will NOT be, you will be staying in YOUR house and living in it the way that makes YOU happy. And if you are too loud for her when you are enjoying sex with your husband, she can put on headphones or the radio or something, but you will be IGNORING her snarky comments from now on. If she wants to complain, she needs to tell someone else, because you don't want to hear it.

She is still a child, so she is acting like a child...you need to be the adult, and adults don't let children push them around.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I think you are overreacting....you are giving her opinions and attitude way more power over you than you should.
> 
> Like you said, it's YOUR house and you provide alot for her, and she was clearly in the wrong for trying to humiliate you. However, I think she was probably uncomfortable and couldn't think of a mature way to handle that, and that's why she texted you.
> 
> ...


I think this is the best answer so far, good perspective on it.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jeanie said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I am truly looking for advice on what to do, because I'm at a loss. I'm sorry for how long this is going to be.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have a blended family as well and we are 4 years in. 5 kids and they are younger than yours (only 1 in high school and the others younger). 

One thing I have learned....you have to be flexible, lower your expectations and it doesn't really matter who was right. If I were your husband I would simply tell my daughter -- "It's wife and my house and we do not need you to be ok with whatever we do. If you do not like it you can go to a hotel, and if you are going to send rude disresprectful texts I am going to take your phone for 24 hours (to start)"

Do not hold onto the idea that she HAS to apologize, because....why? apologies are not sincere if forced, and she may not be mature enough to swallow that shame and be sorry. 

Finally, care less about what your step-kids say to you. If she knows she can cause chaos because you are going to freak out, when she is upset she will start pushing your buttons intentionally-- whatever it is that you have shown that you do not like to hear, she will say. So stop caring if she 'hates' you, etc. It's like the 180 for betrayed spouses-- just move on with your day and do your own thing.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Jeanie said:


> they pretty much want for nothing. We don't ask those that drive to pay for the gas in the car, contribute towards insurance and all cell phone bills are paid for by us.


I swear, when did parents become so weak? You just described your problem. You do not buy kids cars, cell phones, gas, insurance, etc. When they turn 18, they are legally adults and should be treated as such, which means that they get jobs and pay for this stuff themselves. You and your husband coddle your children and that is why they don't respect you. You're weak and nobody, including children, respect weakness. 

So you start by taking away everything, cell phones, cars, everything. Not for 24 hours, not for a week. FOREVER! You provide food on the table and a roof over their heads and that's it. And I would put a deadline on the roof. Unless they are in school, they need to go to work and move out. You and your husband are supposed to be the leaders of your household. Act like it!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> She is still a child, so she is acting like a child...you need to be the adult, and adults don't let children push them around.


She's 18. Legally she's an adult. She's a legal adult with a live-in partner, no less. 

Personally, I'd tell her she's an adult and needs to learn discretion. When you live with couples in a shared housing situation you're going to hear things. The proper response, unless the noise maker is being obnoxious, is to politely ignore. Of course, the other option is to move out.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Thank you to everyone's thoughts/suggestions (especially to those who are saying that I am giving her too much power/control). To clarify a couple of things - she is in college. She's not working because she didn't think she could handle both, which is her choice (but if she has no spending money that is on her). 

We do also realize that she has other anger issues going on and have spoken to her about getting some counselling to help her deal with it, but she refuses. There is the whole premise of "hurt people hurt people", and while I think that's true, I do not think that's an excuse to treat people like crap. 

I've already spoken to H about his plan to talk to her one more time, and that I don't think there is a point. Even if she were to apologize, it won't be sincere and the only thing left to say is that if she doesn't like it, that's her problem not ours. If she continues to be disrespectful (which I'm quite certain she will), then my opinion is that we resort to only providing food and shelter (as was suggested). The rest is on her. The challenge in that will be getting H to agree (he is not one to take hard lines).


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jeanie said:


> Thank you to everyone's thoughts/suggestions (especially to those who are saying that I am giving her too much power/control). To clarify a couple of things - she is in college. She's not working because she didn't think she could handle both, which is her choice (but if she has no spending money that is on her).
> 
> We do also realize that she has other anger issues going on and have spoken to her about getting some counselling to help her deal with it, but she refuses. There is the whole premise of "hurt people hurt people", and while I think that's true, I do not think that's an excuse to treat people like crap.
> 
> I've already spoken to H about his plan to talk to her one more time, and that I don't think there is a point. Even if she were to apologize, it won't be sincere and the only thing left to say is that if she doesn't like it, that's her problem not ours. If she continues to be disrespectful (which I'm quite certain she will), then my opinion is that we resort to only providing food and shelter (as was suggested). The rest is on her. The challenge in that will be getting H to agree (he is not one to take hard lines).


You may want to check out Ron Deal's books about blended families.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> She's 18. Legally she's an adult. She's a legal adult with a live-in partner, no less.
> 
> Personally, I'd tell her she's an adult and needs to learn discretion. When you live with couples in a shared housing situation you're going to hear things. The proper response, unless the noise maker is being obnoxious, is to politely ignore. Of course, the other option is to move out.


I know what you mean, and I agree with you...technically she is an adult. But she's actually very immature, and she treated the OP in a very childish way. 

THAT is why the OP needs to stop worrying about treating her like an equal adult...because she obviously is not.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Jeanie said:


> Thank you to everyone's thoughts/suggestions (especially to those who are saying that I am giving her too much power/control). To clarify a couple of things - she is in college. She's not working because she didn't think she could handle both, which is her choice (but if she has no spending money that is on her).
> 
> We do also realize that she has other anger issues going on and have spoken to her about getting some counselling to help her deal with it, but she refuses. There is the whole premise of "hurt people hurt people", and while I think that's true, I do not think that's an excuse to treat people like crap.
> 
> I've already spoken to H about his plan to talk to her one more time, and that I don't think there is a point. Even if she were to apologize, it won't be sincere and the only thing left to say is that if she doesn't like it, that's her problem not ours. If she continues to be disrespectful (which I'm quite certain she will), then my opinion is that we resort to only providing food and shelter (as was suggested). The rest is on her. The challenge in that will be getting H to agree (he is not one to take hard lines).


The solution is simple. Tell her she has 60 days to get a job and an apartment or dorm room. Have a great life as an adult. Here is the address to the military recruiters if you are interested. 

Hasta Luego


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

You’re not overreacting. She’s a brat. Can I ask why her girlfriend lives there? Is this a romantic girlfriend? Does she live there for free too? If I was so generously allowing a romantic partner to live there with an 18 year old (which I wouldn’t) I would sure as hell not tolerate that type of disrespect. I hope your husband has your back.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I know what you mean, and I agree with you...technically she is an adult. But she's actually very immature, and she treated the OP in a very childish way.
> 
> THAT is why the OP needs to stop worrying about treating her like an equal adult...because she obviously is not.


I'll start with, I agree with you 100%

That said, it's how things are right now. My ex-wife works in education, and while they can get the kids caught back up academically, emotionally & in terms of maturity, they're all like 2 years behind, generally speaking. Obviously it varies from kid to kid as there were so many different home experiences during Covid.

Not that it's to excuse her behavior, but if you have a mid to late teenaged kid, you need to reset your expectations for them a little. Their entire social life was on-line for 2 years when they were supposed to be getting their driver's license and doing dumb **** their parents never knew about.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Teacherwifemom said:


> You’re not overreacting. She’s a brat. Can I ask why her girlfriend lives there? Is this a romantic girlfriend? Does she live there for free too? If I was so generously allowing a romantic partner to live there with an 18 year old (which I wouldn’t) I would sure as hell not tolerate that type of disrespect. I hope your husband has your back.


Her girlfriend lives here (and yes it's romantic), because of her home life (it was not stable to say the least). They do have separate rooms (to clarify) and I am almost always at home so there are boundaries in place. And yes, she lives here for free as well. However, I have no issue with her living here as she really is a joy to have. She is extremely respectful, helps out wherever she can and honestly is a positive influence on SD (I can't imagine what it would be like if she weren't here honestly). My husband has my back in that he agrees that she's being disrespectful, mean, rude, hurtful (and everything in between). Where it will remain to be seen is if she continues this type of behaviour will he be willing to take more of a hard line (which he hasn't really been willing to in the past).


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Jeanie said:



I don't even really know what kind of advice I'm looking for - maybe I'm just looking to see if I'm overreacting, or if there are suggestions on what we can do to help her understand (and apologize). I'm at a total loss.

Click to expand...

*So....basically, you brought ONE kid to this marriage, and he brought three - one which isn't even *his*.

Lucky, lucky you. 😒

Why isn't his nasty, lazy, disrespectful daughter *working*? Why are you both supporting her? WORSE, why are you putting up with her "girlfriend" living there and supporting HER as well? What the hell are you two thinking????

No wonder his daughter is a nightmare - you two don't respect yourselves enough to stop pandering to this spoiled brat.

I'm sure your husband mistakenly believes he's a 'good' father because he's giving these two 18-year-olds a free ride, but he's *not*. He's doing his kid NO favors at all. His job as a father is to teach his daughter how to become independent and how to make her way in this world. His job is NOT to teach his kid to be a spoiled, lazy, self-entitled, self-absorbed, disrespectful little brat - and that's* exactly* what she is. She's damned lucky she didn't get ME in the "daddy got married" lottery.

You two had better start showing YOURSELVES some respect or you can expect this **** show to go on for many, many years.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Jeanie said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I am truly looking for advice on what to do, because I'm at a loss. I'm sorry for how long this is going to be.
> 
> ...



One thing I can't figure out- what the f... is your daughter's friend doing living in your house. Did you decide things weren't complicated enough with two families. To the extent you thought she would be grateful, that apparently didn't happen. As to the other, probably would not make a big deal, apparently she heard. I'm kind of reminded of my dear sadly departed dad who was almost completely deaf. You'd talk to him, what, talk louder, can't hear. It was a chore to try to communicate but one day, someone whispered something about dad to my son's fiance's 15 feet away and he apparently somehow heard.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Jeanie said:


> Where it will remain to be seen is if she continues this type of behaviour will he be willing to take more of a hard line (which he hasn't really been willing to in the past).


So you married a limp ****. This is why about 70% of second marriages with children involved fail. You have no power with this issue and your husband will never take a stand against his daughter.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diceplayer said:


> So you married a limp ****. This is why about 70% of second marriages with children involved fail. You have no power with this issue and your husband will never take a stand against his daughter.


The hell she doesn't, no way would I tolerate that crap from a kid - mine, step, niece/nephew or anyone else. I'd pull them up myself. 

I'm a stepmum fyi.


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