# Lust lust lust, and an EA



## derby (Mar 29, 2012)

So I'm probably the worst person in the world. Here is my story:

I am young (younger than 30) and married. I have always loved my wife dearly but I have lusted after many women in the time I have been with her. I would describe it like a teenage crush. I meet a woman, be it at work, or through friends and I really click with her. Then it turns into a crush and consumes me. It's all one way traffic but I can't get her out of my head. Then for whatever reason, I get over it. Either because she changes jobs, moves away or I just get over it, until the next girl comes along. This has been on and off for years and I assumed it was just natural.

However, with the last girl I lusted over it turned into an EA. It was obvious what her feelings towards me are and I am well aware of how I feel about her. It was only after I took a step back that I realised what was happening, and it was only after some research that I realised I was in an EA. I feel terrible about it because in my opinion its akin to a betrayal and cheating, but I can't change what happened. I can only change what happens next.

I don't really know why I'm posting this on here, I guess I would like to see what peoples reactions are. I am guessing most of them will be "tell her so she can divorce your a$$, you cheating filthy scum", but the truth is I want it to work, and I know that if I tell her then she will leave. Also, there is a lot of humiliation that comes with finding out you've been cheated on and she doesn't need that.

I tried to keep it as short as possible. Thanks for taking the time to read.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well from someone who also had an EA - it's not "akin to betrayal and cheating" it is betrayal and cheating. However, given the way you describe how you feel about all of these women you have lusted after I'm not sure this last one is the first woman you've cheated on your wife with - she's just the first that's reciprocated. 

If you really want it to work you need to tell your wife - you'll need her help with the next part. That part being to figure out why you are doing this. You are not getting some need met in the marriage AND there is some part of you leading you outside the marriage to get it met. Again, from someone else who has had an EA, trust me on those two. Until you identify those two issues and get them addressed nothing will change.

Hang on for some rough replies, but if you stick around and really want help you'll get it here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What sigma said. Until you figure out what's driving your behavior, you'll keep repeating it. And you should be honest with your wife, but hopefully if you show her you're serious about changing your behavior, you two can work things out.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

Manning up and telling her the truth, as hard as it may seem, is the best option. You cannot continue to live with this guilt and she does not deserve a husband that is not giving her his all.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I hate to tell ya'll this, but ain't a guy out there that doesn't "lust" to a lesser or greater degree, after other women. Most don't act on it, but its a struggle to not look and fantasize. 
I'm not in favor of telling and hurting an innocent spouse if its a one time deal and you've changed direction. I really don't see much purpose in inflicting that pain on someone to clear your conscience. You did it, you realize you were wrong, you've taken corrective action to not do it any more, now live with your betrayal without making you spouse feel like sh?t and wonder what they did wrong to cause your sorry azz to cheat.


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## WeDoExist (Mar 6, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I hate to tell ya'll this, but ain't a guy out there that doesn't "lust" to a lesser or greater degree, after other women. Most don't act on it, but its a struggle to not look and fantasize.
> I'm not in favor of telling and hurting an innocent spouse if its a one time deal and you've changed direction. I really don't see much purpose in inflicting that pain on someone to clear your conscience. You did it, you realize you were wrong, you've taken corrective action to not do it any more, now live with your betrayal without making you spouse feel like sh?t and wonder what they did wrong to cause your sorry azz to cheat.


Have you ever been cheated on? I have. Everyday it goes on behind your back is another day of humiliation and everyone laughing at you. The easy thing to do is rugsweep it and not deal with it. But the easiest thing isn't usually the right thing. If the OP doesn't deal w/ this and understand why it is happening then he will go through the same cycle again and again. The wife did nothing to cause his "sorry azz" to cheat. He chose that. Spouses need to stick together and say the hard things that need to be said. Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. Be courageous OP.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would look for a counselor in your area that deals with male sexual issues. You do not sound like you have an addiction but you need a counselor that can deal with sexual issues in men. Based on what you have said in my opinion this is serious since it consumes you. There are some therapies that can help you work through this. 

First you need to have NC with the OW.

Second find a counselor that deals with these issues. Once you have an appointment set up I would sit down with your wife and tell her what you have done. Tell her everything.

Your life will suck for a while but if you are serious about treatment and your marriage the pain of this experience will be worth you getting your life and your marriage under control.


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

I'm wondering if OP is my husband, because it describes him perfectly. Tell your wife. She WILL find out on her own, and that is tremendously worse believe me. I'm almost 7 months out from finding out on my own that my husband referred to a coworker as a "secret girlfriend", and I've lost every ounce of respect I had for him. If he had approached me with his feelings before they got out of control, I truly believe we could have worked through them and came out with a much stronger relationship. Don't drag your wife through the mud like so many of the rest of us have been. Show her the respect she deserves.


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## derby (Mar 29, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies, please keep them coming no matter how harsh, I need to hear them all.

I really do appreciate the advice. You are right in that I do need to figure out why I am doing this and what I am missing from my marriage. 

I really want things to work out with my wife. I have been really depressed lately because of this and she obviously knows something is up. I keep making excuses about work. I really don't think I can tell her; on many an occasion she has said that if I ever cheated then we are finished. I also know that that should be her decision to make, and so not telling her makes me even more guilty, but her world would be crushed if she found out. Not to mention all the humiliation she would feel from it. I think it's unnecessarily cruel.

Unfortunately I can't go no contact with the other woman either. We work in the same building and see each other often because of work. We used to go for lunch together almost every day etc but I am going to curb that and keep it professional. Because of what I do I also cannot switch buildings/change jobs etc, it really isn't as simple as that. 

Anyway I have arranged to start counselling so hopefully I can figure out what is missing. Please keep the replies coming, it really does help me!


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

ShatteredinAL said:


> I'm wondering if OP is my husband, because it describes him perfectly. Tell your wife. She WILL find out on her own, and that is tremendously worse believe me. I'm almost 7 months out from finding out on my own that my husband referred to a coworker as a "secret girlfriend", and I've lost every ounce of respect I had for him. If he had approached me with his feelings before they got out of control, I truly believe we could have worked through them and came out with a much stronger relationship. Don't drag your wife through the mud like so many of the rest of us have been. Show her the respect she deserves.


:iagree:

My h could have been the op too...it's been 15 months and I still can't think of my h the same as before everything came out. And don't think she might not find out. People, especially at work, gossip about situations like this-that's how I found out. Please, please talk to her. NOW!


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Men lust after other women but you obviously can't control it.

You are crap for having an EA and not telling her about. Man up, tell her and correct your behavior before its too late. Credit to you for recognizing it is wrong but you gotta do something.

Most of us are here b/c we're in your wife's position and believe me, it SUX. Don't do this to her.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You're not ready for marriage or monogamy. It's unfair to lead on your wife making her think you have eyes only for her. If the shoe was on the other foot I'm sure you wouldn't want to be with your wife. Whatever you do, don't get her pregnant until you sort out your problems, don't bring children into a very shaky marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

derby said:


> We used to go for lunch together almost every day etc but I am going to curb that and keep it professional. Because of what I do I also cannot switch buildings/change jobs etc, it really isn't as simple as that.


This is part of why I said and believe you need to tell your wife what's going on. This is incredibly hard to do. I lost count of how many times my AP (affair partner) and I called it off only to be drawn right back to each other. I could never have walked away on my own. 

Why not tell her, how deep are you in really? Sounds like you're just somewhat too emotionally attached and have recognized it as an inappropriate relationship - in reality that's a good thing. Or, has the EA gone deeper into I love you's and so forth? Just how bad is it? Not that the answer will change my opinion of what you should do much.


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## derby (Mar 29, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> This is part of why I said and believe you need to tell your wife what's going on. This is incredibly hard to do. I lost count of how many times my AP (affair partner) and I called it off only to be drawn right back to each other. I could never have walked away on my own.
> 
> Why not tell her, how deep are you in really? Sounds like you're just somewhat too emotionally attached and have recognized it as an inappropriate relationship - in reality that's a good thing. Or, has the EA gone deeper into I love you's and so forth? Just how bad is it? Not that the answer will change my opinion of what you should do much.


No there are no I love you's or anything. We hang out an awful lot just me and her. We flirt a lot and generally just really enjoy each others company. We share food all the time and cuddle a lot. It's a far cry from "I love you" but I am mindful of the fact I'd be uncomfortable if my wife saw us together, it's maybe a bit too friendly. Anyway, I know that I am infatuated with her and that has to stop. I also know the feelings are reciprocated. Recently when she was going away for the weekend she asked if I'd like to go with her. Obviously I made my excuses...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So this is a real make or break moment in your marriage. You're got three options. 1. Continue on as you are, likely outcome, you end up in a full on EA/PA and maybe/maybe not get divorced. 2. Break any relationship with the OW off, and take your secret to the grave. Likely outcome - nothing changes in your marriage and you are at risk to repeat. 3. Tell your wife what's going on - confide in her. No one said marriage was going to be all sunshine and tulips. By confiding in her you will build intimacy with her and hopefully together resolve the issue - build a stronger marriage. A little tact is certainly called for in how you tell her, don't spit out, "honey, I've developed feelings for another woman" but rather something along the lines of, "honey, do you know Sue? Somehow the relationship I have with her has gotten to what I think is an inappropriate place, a place I should have only with you. I want you to know about it and help me deal with it." Or something along those lines. You haven't told the OW you love her, you haven't kissed her - the damage isn't too bad - yet. Nip it in the bud. A word of caution though. Given that the damage isn't too bad your wife may want to rug sweep the whole thing to get it to go away. Try not to let her. You need to deal with it, address the how and why and fix them. 

I got to this very point in my EA. The moment of truth. I chose the wrong path and confided in my AP. For the love of God chose the right path and confide in your wife.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You "cuddle a lot" and you THINK your wife might not like that? You need to pull your head out of your ass.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

PBear said:


> You "cuddle a lot" and you THINK your wife might not like that? You need to pull your head out of your ass.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, this was more or less my initial reaction, too.

You said you have crushes a lot? I think it is normal to be attracted to members of the opposite sex, even when you are married. I can see an attractive guy, or see qualities in a co-worker or friend that I find attractive. HOWEVER, as a married woman, I am careful about how I handle myself and the friendships that I develop and the people that I surround myself with. Obviously somewhere in your head you have justified your behavior and that is why you keep doing it. Thinking someone is attractive - fine - acting on it, purposely trying to get closer to them and develop a relationship with that person - not OK. And you have a responsibility to draw that line in the sand and not cross it, because you know it will only lead you to trouble.

Why do you keep crossing that line?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, do not tell your wife about the EA unless you confess the whole schmiel--that you have these obsessions periodically. And be sure to point out that it is something about YOU that is lacking--not her. Hearing, "Honey, you could be [Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, insert hottie of your choice here], and I'd still be broken like this. I need help, and I'm going to get it." Of course, that's only part of the groveling and begging and reassuring you will need to do to keep her from kicking your ass to the curb--but do it.

Also, remember that while you might have some deep, personal issues to explore (and that's all you need to tell her right now), it's worth re-examining the marriage, too. Generally spouses wander when they are not happy at home--although there are exceptions, and you might be one of them (narcissits, people with incredibly low self-esteem, etc.) Deal with your own issues first, however. 

Lots of people fantasize about others, so that is normal. What you describe--to the point of emotional attachment and obsession--is not. Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and I don't know what your definition of an emotional vs physical affair is, but in my books, you've crossed that boundary. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

derby said:


> So I'm probably the worst person in the world. Here is my story:
> 
> I am young (younger than 30) and married. I have always loved my wife dearly but I have lusted after many women in the time I have been with her. I would describe it like a teenage crush. I meet a woman, be it at work, or through friends and I really click with her. Then it turns into a crush and consumes me. It's all one way traffic but I can't get her out of my head. Then for whatever reason, I get over it. Either because she changes jobs, moves away or I just get over it, until the next girl comes along. This has been on and off for years and I assumed it was just natural.
> 
> ...


You are not protecting your wife, you are covering your own azz, and making sure that your wife does not come between you and the OW. My H chose to "protect" me too and his EA turned into a PA. Sooner or later, either with this bimbo or the next, it will happen. If you want to save your marriage, you need to tell your wife and start working on the problem together. You have proven that you cannot rely on your own self control so don't fool yourself into thinking that you can control this situation without exposing it to the light of day.If you can't be honest with your wife about this and really protect her, then leave her so she can find a relationship with someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved, without all the sneakiness and dishonesty.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I've also told my husband, all along, that if he cheated on me, it would mean the end of our marriage. I didn't say that because I wanted him to have affairs and keep it a secret from me, nor because I wanted to give him an easy 'out' of the marriage, not even because I wanted to threaten him in order to 'keep him in line.' I told him that because I wanted him to understand and be very clear that IF he did cheat, he would be making a CHOICE. The choice would be made when he chose to cheat, not when he told me / I found out. 

I thought it was only fair to him that he understand what choice he was making. I consider it pretty possible that your wife had the same reason for telling you the same thing. 

What that means in this situation is that - since you already knew her feelings on the subject - you have already made the choice to end your marriage. 

She just doesn't know it yet.

When you tell her, she will have to make HER choice. See, you already made yours. She still has to make hers. Her choice is whether she will do as she said initially (leave the marriage) or not. She doesn't have to leave - people make hypothetical statements and then change their minds when the event actually happens to them (kind of like when my best friend, who was pro-life, got an abortion when she got pregnant by the wrong guy). She has the right to change her mind because she hasn't made her choice yet.

WHEN you tell her, she will ask you when it happened. What "when did it happen?" translates to is "How long have you been keeping this from me?"

Trust me, the shorter time period you can give her, the better your chances of her choice being the one you want.

But even if she does make the choice to stay with you, you have a LOT of work to do on yourself. I agree with the earlier poster who said you aren't ready for marriage/monogamy. Not everyone is ready for that in their 20s. Heck, not everyone is ready for that ever. But, you already made that choice when you married her. So be a man about it for God's sake.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Is it just me or does the OP sound very sexually immature? Crushes? Cuddling? Friend you need counseling and fast.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

WeDoExist said:


> Have you ever been cheated on? I have. Everyday it goes on behind your back is another day of humiliation and everyone laughing at you.


I'm not talking about an ongoing affair. I'm saying if someone stepped over the line, realized their mistake, and cleaned up their act, I see to reason to ease ones conscience by confessing and hurting the spouse. There ain't a married person on this site or anywhere that can be absolutely certain their spouse hasn't cheated. You may think you're certain, but you know you can't be. What can be gained when person married 5-10 or more years to discover their spouse had a short fling years ago, cleaned up their act and been a great mate since then. Why turn the dream into a nightmare?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'm not talking about an ongoing affair. I'm saying if someone stepped over the line, realized their mistake, and cleaned up their act, I see to reason to ease ones conscience by confessing and hurting the spouse. There ain't a married person on this site or anywhere that can be absolutely certain their spouse hasn't cheated. You may think you're certain, but you know you can't be. What can be gained when person married 5-10 or more years to discover their spouse had a short fling years ago, cleaned up their act and been a great mate since then. Why turn the dream into a nightmare?


Because either way, dream or nightmare, its not reality. You might think not disclosing an indiscretion is helping the situation but its not. Keeping that secret is going to become a wall between the spouses. It will eventually cause detachment by one or both parties. Secrets and dishonesty do not make for a healthy relationship.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Because either way, dream or nightmare, its not reality. You might think not disclosing an indiscretion is helping the situation but its not. Keeping that secret is going to become a wall between the spouses. It will eventually cause detachment by one or both parties. Secrets and dishonesty do not make for a healthy relationship.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

IT is your dream you are protecting and you are buying it by sacrificing her right to know . Great mates don't blow smoke up your butt.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'm not talking about an ongoing affair. I'm saying if someone stepped over the line, realized their mistake, and cleaned up their act, I see to reason to ease ones conscience by confessing and hurting the spouse. There ain't a married person on this site or anywhere that can be absolutely certain their spouse hasn't cheated. You may think you're certain, but you know you can't be. What can be gained when person married 5-10 or more years to discover their spouse had a short fling years ago, cleaned up their act and been a great mate since then. Why turn the dream into a nightmare?


It's the length of deceit that's a problem - there are lots of stories on here of WS's confessing to affairs 5,10, 15 years previously and the BS is devastated, it feels like it happened 'yesterday' and made worse by the fact you feel the person has been living a lie and deceiving you for all those years.

And don't think the BS won't find out, it always seems to come out sooner or later, either by confession from WS, gossip, etc. OP, your best bet is to own up now as suggested and deal with it before this molehill becomes a mountain.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> I'm not talking about an ongoing affair. I'm saying if someone stepped over the line, realized their mistake, and cleaned up their act, I see to reason to ease ones conscience by confessing and hurting the spouse. There ain't a married person on this site or anywhere that can be absolutely certain their spouse hasn't cheated. You may think you're certain, but you know you can't be. What can be gained when person married 5-10 or more years to discover their spouse had a short fling years ago, cleaned up their act and been a great mate since then. Why turn the dream into a nightmare?


The cheating SOB turned the dream into a nightmare when they decided to cheat. 

It isn't fair to deny the betrayed spouse the freedom of choice. That isn't protecting them, that is being a selfish cad because you know they will probably choose to leave you. You had the freedom to choose to cheat and the spouse ALWAYS deserves the freedom to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue being vulnerable. 

It is especially selfish if it was a physical affair as it puts the health of the BS at risk. The cheating spouse literally places their own sexual gratification above the health of the BS. Herpes? AIDS? PID? Yeah, you would be thrilled if your life was forever affected by someone else's cheating arse.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

wow I can't beleive all the "all men lust after women" comment. I have never done this. I have more respect for a woman than just to see her as a piece of flesh. That might be what is wrong with OP on how he views women.

I think you should put all the energy you say you have towards your wife.


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## derby (Mar 29, 2012)

Wow, just wow.

I get the impression that a lot of people on this site have been hurt pretty bad, or just like lashing out the hate (or a combination of both). Some of the comments are really helpful, whereas most of them are unnecessarily harsh. 

Seriously, comments like "You "cuddle a lot" and you THINK your wife might not like that? You need to pull your head out of your ass" and "Is it just me or does the OP sound very sexually immature?" don't really help anyone.

I understand everyone's frustration but isn't this forum about helping people make sensible decisions and helping them to take the right action? Making people feel like **** is going to drive them away from the forum and could possibly end up in them making rash decisions, all because a few of you are bitter over your own past experiences; how pathetic. Everyone can learn from their mistakes and the experiences of others can help them learn a damn site quicker. Perhaps some of you need to join the "I'm bitter and want the world to know it" forum and not the "Talk About Marriage is the largest online community devoted to marriage help and advice" forum.

With that being said I do take the advice very seriously. Sigma, I think your post stands out more than anyones with your three options. I am considering option three very seriously, but I do know that there could be massive fallout for my wife bigger than option two. May I ask, how did you go about telling your wife of your EA? How did she take it?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Derby, my post was going to start a little differently, but your final post has caused me to add a little on mine. If you feel the need to lash out at those you believe are coming from a bitter place, that shows immaturity. You need to take what advice applies to you and ignore or consider the rest. And cuddling with your EA is immature behaviour. You know it is wrong, you love your wife, but you cross that boundary anyway. Every time you feel the need to cuddle, go for lunch, flirt, imagine your wife doing exactly the same thing in her world, the handsome man at work, the gorgeous neighbour, the fit and buff friend. Then address your behaviour to bring it back to an acceptable level.

I disagree totally with the poster who says that all men look at good looking women and fantasise. It is not a male condition. All people appreciate a good looking person. Most people know what it is, it is a thought, and treat it as such. In the same way you can appreciate a nice pair of curtains. Oh aren't they lovely...and that is it. Just a thought and nothing more. No seeking out, no obsession, no unable to move away from those lovely curtains. Because you have a beautiful set at home that are just as good and most likely better. No wish to swap your curtains on a stupid whim. Especially when they cost everything u have, so therefore why would u want them when u already have some. Standing there, hanging around, wondering how u can get them will not make them come down in price.

I hope u appreciate my curtains analogy  Feel free to swap for any other item.

I, like you, have had crushes, infatuations. I believe at one point they were due to my low self esteem and getting that attention from a man would bolster my confidence and make me feel good about myself. Then I met my long time partner, we had children together, I grew up. Of course it is nice to get attention and feel attractive, but what I did away from my partner was exactly as I would have done had I been stood right next to him. I was happy...for some time...and had no interest in entering into any relationship that was anything more than basic friendship. The final 6 yrs of our 11 together I was deeply unhappy. I began to get crushes again and infatuations. And of course there was something missing from my relationship. I continued to turn down any advances from other men. I had grown up. Some incredibly gorgeous men too. I would've gone out with them in a shot had I been single. But I was not. I told my man I was deeply unhappy. I knew these infatuations were a huge red flag with regards to my happiness. Nothing changed. I told him I was beginning to get crushes on other men. Big warning sign. I am unhappy. Nothing changed. I accepted my lot in life. Then he fu*ked up and I left him. What I am trying to tell you is...yes there is something seriously wrong. With you, or with the marriage. And you need to talk with your wife. Sigma says it all very well. U need to reaffirm your boundaries, and keep your wife in your mind at all times...keep those thoughts of her and how u would feel ever time u have the desire to overstep the boundaries. Do not seek out the company of someone just because u fancy them. That is overstepping the mark.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll try to make a long story short, if you want more detail you can read my original post (link is in my signature), or just ask. I don't mind in the least relating my experiences, I'm just trying to keep it to the point here. 

I said I couldn't walk away on my own and I said I lost count of how many times my AP and I broke it off and went back to each other. What that translates to is that I wanted out of my affair but wasn't man enough to stand up and do what it took to end it. ** side note here - at that moment of truth I was talking about I could have and should have - I made the wrong decision and it got soooooo much worse **. So the way I told my wife is basically I let myself get caught. I didn't plan it so much as I just let myself get way more careless than I would have had I really wanted to preserve the affair. My wife picked up my phone one night when it went off with a text from the OW. The text was innocuous, I could have lied my way out of it; but I knew to sit there and feed my wife a line of BS only got me in deeper. So I gave it all up. My EA was long distance and I was a compulsive deleter, there wasn't much for my wife to read but there was enough - a couple of "I love you's" is more than enough. She was devastated of course but I did a lot right at this moment. I told her ALL of the truth and once the truth was out I stood up and took ownership of what I did. 

So to answer your question, she was crushed but what do expect when she got to read her husband tell another woman he loved her? This is very bloody stuff and why I implore you to bring it all to the surface now. It will not get better by ignoring it. My wife forgave me, we talked - a lot - we used the crisis to really talk about and work on our marriage. We found our individual strength to deal with it all in each other. Today we have a better marriage than we did before, and we had a good one to begin with. Don't mistake this apparently happy ending for a fairly tale though. It's a long, very tough road. We're 18 months post d day and we still talk about and deal with it at least weekly. 

Someone posted to you not to tell your wife unless you are willing to tell her all of the truth. This is key. Do not let this genie out of the bottle unless you're willing to put it all on the table and see it through. Once you pull the cork, if you start doing damage control you're doomed.

Last thing. I've told you need to tell your wife. Likely you assume that's because it's "the right thing" or "what your wife deserves.". Those are true but it's also self preservation and protection for you. If you get deeper into an affair you have no idea the prices you will pay personally. Having an affair takes a part of your soul that once gone, you can never get back. Believe me you do not want these scars of experience.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

And I told you to hang on for some rough replies. You're right there are a lot of very hurt people here. Take your medicine. Even the over the top post are constructive if they only illustrate for you how deeply this hurts the betrayed spouse. After that just take the advice that is constructive and relevant and let the rest roll off your back. 

There's another benefit to the post that lash out. They're a preview of the emotions and reactions your wife will have. Learn from them to not defend your bad actions and decisions and to not react to an emotional outburst.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

:thumbup: Sigma, great post.


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## derby (Mar 29, 2012)

Sigma that was a great post. You are one brave soul to come right out with it. And it's so good that you 2 managed to work through it. I love my wife and don't can't imagine life without her. This experience has really made that hit home. It also made me realise what an idiot (to use a nice word) I am being.

I am going to tell her once I pluck up the courage. At the end of the day, it's her right to decide what happens next and not mine, and that decision should be based on the whole truth. But I have a question. If any of you heard the confession I need to make, would you want to stay or would you leave? Would the marriage be worth it for you? Obviously you cannot say what my wife will do, but your opinion still matters.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

derby said:


> Sigma that was a great post. You are one brave soul to come right out with it. And it's so good that you 2 managed to work through it. I love my wife and don't can't imagine life without her. This experience has really made that hit home. It also made me realise what an idiot (to use a nice word) I am being.
> 
> I am going to tell her once I pluck up the courage. At the end of the day, it's her right to decide what happens next and not mine, and that decision should be based on the whole truth. But I have a question. If any of you heard the confession I need to make, would you want to stay or would you leave? Would the marriage be worth it for you? Obviously you cannot say what my wife will do, but your opinion still matters.



My H was very scared he would lose me, and he fought to save the M. His sincere regret and willingness to do whatever it took convinced me to stay and try to work it out. Good Luck to you


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> My H was very scared he would lose me, and he fought to save the M. His sincere regret and willingness to do whatever it took convinced me to stay and try to work it out. Good Luck to you


There's your answer Derby. While not a guarantee by any stretch, it depends a huge amount on you. How remorseful you are and how hard you're willing to work.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> The cheating SOB turned the dream into a nightmare when they decided to cheat.
> 
> It isn't fair to deny the betrayed spouse the freedom of choice. That isn't protecting them, that is being a selfish cad because you know they will probably choose to leave you. You had the freedom to choose to cheat and the spouse ALWAYS deserves the freedom to make an informed decision about whether or not to continue being vulnerable.


Looks like nobody agrees with me that the cheating spouse's long ago one time fling should be kept secret. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from and see the logic in your argument. But consider this. Several years ago a co-worker (male) had a one night stand while on a business seminar. His claim was he and a female participate cross the line while under the influence of alcohol. A couple of years later, he decided to clear his conscience (and I really think that's usually what its all about when someone informs their spouse). A couple of weeks later, his wife wraps her car around a bridge abutment at 80+mph leaving a note saying everybody she ever knew betrayed her. Many suicides occur after one more piece of crap is heaped on the person. 
No one will ever convince me that "her right to know" and "giving the betrayed spouse the freedom of choice" was anywhere close to the right call. If he'd kept his mouth shut and lived/suffered with his guilt maybe the woman would still be alive.


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## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> If he'd kept his mouth shut and lived/suffered with his guilt maybe the woman would still be alive.


Replace "If he had kept his mouth shut" with "If he hadn't cheated."
You're saying that if you keep the box closed, Schrödinger's cat is neither alive nor dead (as opposed to both).
I say that the superposition of states is baloney and that the damn cat is dead.
He cheated, whether she knew or not. That's who he is. According to you the cure to cancer would then also be never having medical check-ups again, because ignorance is such bliss. It's not. It's just ignorance.
Shame that she thought he was worth taking her own life over, but I also understand how betrayal works exactly like that. Not the knowledge of its occurrence, but the occurrence itself.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Loving your wife doesn't seem to be the issue. You mentioned you were young and lusted after other women and would get frequent crushes. This sounds like normal "young single man" behavior. Do you think you married too soon? Do you feel you have sown all of your oats? Maybe you were not finished catting around and settled down too early.

What do you think?


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Seems like a self-esteem issue. Maybe some IC will help you figure out why you are always looking outside your marriage. 

Sounds like these new women giving you attention of any sort strokes your ego and you are addicted to that feeling. You probably have a very active imaginaton as well. 

I feel bad for your wife because you cant possibly do these things and have respect for her as well. I have no doubt that you love her, but all of this flirting and lusting for other women has got to stop. I wouldn't be surprised if she easily gets jealous easily in your relationship unless she in completely oblivious. 

I really hope you go with option # 3 Stigma suggested. Good Luck.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> Replace
> 
> I say that the superposition of states is baloney and that the damn cat is dead.


And so is his wife. So what was gained by my co-working confessing?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You have not physically cheated. If it was me I would be eternally grateful that you confided in me your sh*t behaviour and allowed me to work on it with u. The trust and connection would be so much stronger for that. It really really would. But I think I am in the minority. It all depends on your wife and your situation. I think if u see it as a continuing problem then u have GOT to talk to your wife. If u feel u can put it behind u then do so. And do so FOREVER. Sort it whichever way is best for u and for her.


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