# Feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone



## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Hi

This is super long, so sorry, feel free to skim read! But it defo felt GOOD to get it out! 

I've been lurking on this site since beginning of February, when my husband (we're both 32) of 7 years, been together 12, best friend told me (after prompting from me) that he was not happy, that he didn't know if it was 'us' making us unhappy, I freaked out, and as with every 'important' conversation I had to continually ask questions to get any more information...he still deeply loved me, thought I was the sexiest woman on the planet, he still wanted to be with me, he just wasn't happy. 

He had never ever said anything like this before so i knew he was serious, I said I would give him time and space to think about how he feels (his answers to everything where 'I don't know') so that he could then come and speak to me in a day or two....the next day a barrier went down, and it was the last time I saw my real husband my 'baby'. 

We used hug each other throughout the day, lots of snuggles and touches, and kisses, H especially very affectionate, he would call me beautiful every day, tell each other we loved each other every day - and often it was a proper 'moment', if you get what I mean. We have always spoken on the phone - every day, I would often catch him looking at me with such love that it would make me melt inside, he took care of me, he made me feel (for the most part) that he adored me. We had a passionate, deep at times intense relationship. We were best friends.

Both of us obviously had our faults/flaws/issues, subsequently so did our relationship, but over the years we have grown so much as a couple and individually, I really, truly believed we would grow old together. 

At some point a few days later he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to make this work. I just could not believe it. Saying things were bad and they need fixing is one thing, saying you do not know if you even want to fix it is something entirely different.

He said he had been unhappy for 2 years ( we have a 2 year old and a 6 year old, and I have my own therapy practice which in last 2 years has seen me working quite a few evenings), and now he was at the point where he did not know if it was too late.

He acknowledged that he never once told me he was unhappy (he can be very passive aggressive, and YES I too have my faults!), not only that but he was 'acting' like he was utterly in love with me. I begged for a chance to make it work, a chance to make him happy, to make amends, and he would just get angry and say he 'doesn't know'...sometimes If I touched him he would flinch, sometimes he would kiss/touch me himself...so I pulled away, whilst still being happy around him, hugging him/touching him in a non-clingy way, giving him space....but i could see him moving further away from me, the distance between us growing. 

it got steadily worse, the calls/texts stopped, the 'I love yous' stopped, the light in his eyes had gone, when he looked at me i felt nothing, it was utterly terrifying, my husband had been replaced, I felt so unbelievably lonely...but he was giving me good signs, a gentle stroke on the face here, a tender kiss there, sighing with contentment during a hug....I was OBSESSED with these 'signs', evidence of how he felt, it was a living hell. I just wanted to throw myself in his arms, but I couldn't....a few weeks of this and we went for a walk, he told me that it was over, that he did not want to work on us....all the other information I got was once again through me asking specific questions, otherwise he just sits there in silence...he said lots of things that I genuinely couldn't believe...really heart breaking soul destroying things, like the thought of another man making love to me 'didn't bother him'...that he is really good at faking things...

Since that point I began living in some alternate Universe, I cried every single day, I lost stone and a half, and I was already slim to begin with, I was living moment to moment. The pain at times was so much that it was a physical, it hurt, everywhere. i couldn't breathe.

I thought I did everything right - I gave him space, I worked on myself, being happy, not nagging, 'being the woman he fell in love with', I spent every single minute I could on line, following all the advice on 'how to save your marriage'. 

After a few more weeks of me still getting all these mixed signals, he kept trying to have sex with me - a few times I was so lonely and so desperate to be loved by him that the pain and emptiness i felt after sex was worth the temporary relief. 

He said more things which really messed with my head, it was like he was trying to re-write our history, either I had been living with a psychopath for 12 years - someone pretending to be in love with me, OR his anger and resentment had grown so big that it was clouding all other emotions and he just couldn't see the past clearly anymore, feel the love anymore - it was there, just buried. I chose to go with the latter.

He told me several times again in different discussions that it was over, that there was NO chance, he was so cold and dead in the eyes, he said I needed to start moving on, I needed to let him go. He said he did not care if I was with another man, he did not care if I slept with another man.

I was killing myself at this point (about 3 months in) utterly obsessed with him and us, every waking moment and even my dreams. Just devastated. And the mixed messages still hadn't stopped....So i decided to join PoF, I needed a distraction, I needed to feel that I wasn't repulsive and boring, and unwanted. I was not looking for a relationship, or dates, just some anonymous online flirting maybe. For 3 nights I didn't cry and writhe in pain as I had been for weeks and weeks, I actually laughed, I felt ok about myself. I realised that if I had to move on, I had to actually do it. So applied all I've learned through my career, and my own self development. I focused on the future, I visualised me making it on my own, with a little rented house, going on dates...I tried to put a silver lining on everything - even missing out on half of my children's lives (shared custody)....and guess what, surprise surprise, my husband changes over night.

He suddenly has loads to say, he asks about PoF...i tell him everything....over that week he cried, he shouted, he talked and talked...he said that he still loved me, that things weren't that straight forward anymore, that the thought of me with another man made him feel sick, he said that even thinking about me with an ex made him feel horrible, he said it wasn't me he was 'getting rid of', just the relationship, he said I was incredible, that I wasn't good enough for him. That if he had just said something when he was first feeling neglected/unhappy that this wouldn't be happening, that he was so sorry. I knew that if i said to him right then (throughout this whole week this went on, the conversations would start like clockwork every night, and he would say the same things over and over), lets try again, we can fix this, that he would have agreed. But I didn't. Why? I have no idea....well I have some...

He also in a fit of rage told me that there actually had been a chance - that at the beginning i could have saved us, but i just rolled over, I didn't fight hard enough. I reminded him that he told me in no uncertain terms that there was no chance, and he said I shouldn't have believed him, that he doesn't know what he is talking about.

I"m not sure if I will ever forgive him for this. SO much wrong with it.

But anyway, of course I got sucked in, and I started focusing on us - HIM again, back to the 'save your marriage' websites, back to obsessing and worrying, and HOPING. God Damn Hope. I was scared to do it, but clearly he was having second thoughts, so I would be a fool not to pursue them...we had an amazing day with the kids, we made love, we laughed...it was like old times...so I get brave and I broach the subject of us staying together....and...i get totally shut down..."It is over, everyone has these doubts, I just have to ignore them, too much time has passed, go back on PoF, you need to find a house and move out, this is ridiculous"

He is Jekyle and Hyde. That for me was the last straw. I realised that he is completely confused, he will not see a therapist, and he will not change his mind. I cannot do it for him, so I must respect his wishes and my self esteem and move on.

I am moving out (this is best for us) we have agreed child support and custody, we have agreed to be best friends (throughout all of this, for the main part we have been getting on really well with each other, still enjoying one anothers company, spending time together - which is what makes his decision so messed up. We are clearly great together - our relationship needed attention. that is all).

I have found a house and will be moving (if all goes to plan) Aug 1st. I am still getting mixed messages - we have slept separately for last 3 months yet he climbed into bed with me in the morning 3 days ago, as he wanted 'snuggles'...and he was 'horny'. WTF? I need to get out as I cannot take another day of this torture, limbo....I am so angry at him and I need to get away before it all comes spilling out and I ruin things.

I don't cry as much, but I still cannot believe this is happening. I have moments of wanting to beg him, and then I think that he is WALKING away from our marriage, from our beautiful family, all because he was incapable of sharing his feelings, of letting me in. He would not even give me one chance, us one chance. We still have an incredible connection, it is tangible. I know that what we have is not average, we are lucky, and he is walking away from it, there isn't just a spark that we can fan, there is a huge bonfire, just burning away!

He has made up his mind, but his heart is telling him otherwise. I believe when I go and things settle down, that he will realise what a mistake he has made, he has said as much himself....and this is stopping me moving on....If I leave - which I have to, then it will be over in my eyes. i will never forgive him for putting me and the children through this unnecessary pain. BUT I am so scared to do this, I feel like I will be abandoning him (!). 

Just trying to deal with the unreality of the situation at the minute. Trying to let go of the idea of what 'could have been', trying to embrace my new future. I am taking with me so many amazing memories, and the knowledge that even if we were crappy at relationships we truly love(d) each other.

If you got to the end of this - wow, and thank you! I may try to post on here like a journal, it would be good to see a journey over the months. 

I am excited ( and terrified) about this new, unforeseen path my life is taking. I am jumping off a cliff into the unknown, the adventures I can have are limitless, a whole new (frickin' scary!) world is opening up to me. Eek!


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Wow... so sorry...it is such a shame.... you must be devestated especially since you two has a strong connection. So confusing that things happen like this.

Do you think there is someone else in the picture? How old are your kids? I see myself somewhat in this story, where you get totally mixed confusing signals. 

My H wanted to leave when I was about your age and had a couple of very young children. He ultimately decided to stay, but I probably made it too easy for him to come back and things didnt change for the better. 

Now 15 years later I am going through it again. I hope you can get out of your limbo and be strong and demand respect from him so he knows he can never pull this on you again. Let him go, tell him you dont want someone that doesnt want to be with you and he just may come back and tell himself that he better not try that again.

Trust me on this.... dont try to hang on to him with all your might...let him go and maybe he will come back stronger than ever....otherwise, he may always resent you and feel trapped.

I have to take my own advice because I am going through it right now, 4 children later, and now I am 46 instead of 30.... wish i stood up to him then.

I know harder said than done and I wish you much luck.


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## Lostwouthim (Jun 17, 2012)

Yes, I would ask the same question - Is there someone else?
My husband came to me kind of like that and I didn't find out until afterwards that he had met someone online through a gaming website and was having an EA, as soon as he told me he wanted the D he went and met up with her face to face. After doing my own detective work I figured out how things played out and confronted him and the only reason why I knew that I knew the truth is because I know when he is lying. I would look at cell phone records to see if there are any reoccurring numbers that are being called that you are not familiar with. 
I recent have talked myself into letting him go - set him free if he comes back it's meant to be or so they say, right? Plus the more you beg and plead the further you are pushing him away. I don't know if I could ever forgive H if he ever comes crawling back, so right now I'm just trying to focus on ME, and what's good for me! Good Luck, stay on this sight it is very helpful, I am so thankful that I found it when I did but wish I would have found it sooner.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

that really sucks. it's even harder when you want it so bad and then they want to snuggle, make love, spend time, ect only to become cold and unavailable again. it's like a yoyo. the best thing i can tell you is that this is not your fault. he is the one with the problem and so he needs to fix his problem. also, if a good friend, your sister, or someday your daughter came to you and said this was happening to them? what advice would you give them? it's amazing the crap we will put up with that we would never allow our loved ones to go through. love yourself and your children, and focus on you and healing. the begging and trying i've learned only strokes their ego and makes their actions ok.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

So at the weekend my husband got drunk. He became very chatty, he clearly let his guard down. He called me beautiful in a way he hasn't done since this whole thing started...we were laughing and joking and flirting...as the night wore on he put some slow music on (a love song) and started trying to dance with, i said 'No' that it feels more intimate than sex, that how can I dance with him like that, when he does not want me...he continued to ask and said that i can choose any song right now and we could dance together...I said no again...next thing I know I can hear the song from our FIRST dance at our WEDDING being played (Beatles here, There and Everywhere).

I could not believe it. He tried to grab me again and looked so sad as he said I just really want to dance with you...I got a bit shirty and said no, again...when i went to bed, he kept jumping into our bed (which he hasnt slept in for 3 months)being all silly, trying to get me to have sex with him, and saying he just wants to snuggle with me as he misses me...I finally managed to get him into his own room....thought he was just being drunk EVERY time he drinks he starts telling me he misses me....BUT I woke up in the morning to him getting into my bed and holding me so tightly like he didn't want to let me go...he even gave me a massage, he stroked my hair, he told me again how much he missed me, and he said he wasn't there for sex, just to hold me.

we lay there for an hour or two wrapped up in each other, felt like home. I felt like I could just rest. Breathe

At the time I wanted him out of my room....But now i want him back again. I cannot believe he is treating me this way, although I can, he is SO confused and is simply responding to his feelings which are up and down as mine are.

I am moving out on AUgust 1st and i am terrified. When he pulls **** like playing our wedding song I get even more confused. If he wants to try again, he needs to say it explicitly....but i feel like he keeps dropping hints left right and centre.

He is helping me sort of gas/electricity in the new house, offered to call up Sky as well....how do I separate myself from a man who is still caring for me, who still loves ME, but just feels our relationship is irreparable...

How do i do this? If i REALLY wanted him back, wouldn't I have danced with him? Wouldn't I have let him sleep in my bed? Do I even want him back? Or do I just want him to love me again????


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

If he is like me, he is going back and forth because he wants you back, but his defenses cause him to act nice one minute and mean the next. I would ask him if he would do Marriage Counseling. That is if you still want things to work out.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Have you tried anything to work on your marriage other then you to working it out? If not and you want to give it a chance, do an in house separation and set boundaries. If you know in your heart that you still want it to work, get help and postpone the moving out part. 

Don't assume, ask him why he is nice one minute and mean the next. Observe him. Start digging into your own heart and find out what your feelings are. Not your anger, your real feelings.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm not very angry, this has taken all the wind out of my sails...deep deep down I am really not sure if we should be together...I just don't know, I am so so confused, and to be honest he is not coming across as very attractive right now, in fact his behaviour is completely repulsive at times.

Initially he would not do mc as he thought that he had made up his mind and there was no point....then he said he would, we went to one session and he said he did not like it, that he clams up with a stranger, that we get more done just the two of us. I continued with IC which was a waste of time really as all I did was talk about his constant mixed messages.

I have asked why he changes his attitude all the time, he said he is conflicted, that he still loves me, but that even though there was a chance at the beginning of all this (when he was telling me there was no chance), too much time has gone by now, and it is too late. And now the is DEFINITELY no chance - he says this 2 seconds after saying "don't believe anything I say, I always say stuff I dont mean when I'm angry")

He feels sick at the thought of me with another man - in any capacity, he can't bear the thought of me doing and experiencing things with someone else, he thinks this is NORMAL, and he just has to get over it. He said he thinks I'm an incredible person, kind, caring funny intelligent, that he finds me unbelievably attractive (which is pretty obvious - as in, he can't keep his hands or eyes off me)....but that I hurt him and it is too late.

The last time he was giving huge mixed signals ( "i don't know how I feel anymore", "it's not as simple as I thought it was as I love you", "you are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me" etc)....i once again gathered my courage and asked about going away for a weekend, counselling...etc , he got mad and said "nothing has changed, stop pushing me".

I cannot win.

He believe he has made up his 'mind' and he is ignoring his heart.
I think he is still playing games, that he wants me to beg or make some grand gesture, but that is not how this works. Plus i have tried that multiple times, only to be shot down.

I also think this is a massive culmination of how he has been feeling our whole relationship - he loves me more than i do him, that i am better than him....he even said that he thinks I am most upset about the fact that he 'got there first'...that makes me MAD. His low self esteem is devaluing what I feel for him, I have to keep reminding him that this is NOT mutual...it's almost as though he feels he's 'releasing' me....

I just feel so responsible for him, and even with all the pain and confusion I am in now, I would rather that than have him distraught and telling me has made a mistake in 6 months time (by which point, in order to survive, I will have shut that door)

JDLash - he is past the point of being mean, it is more, really nice, then cold and distant - round and round in cycles. 

I guess I feel if there is a chance for us, then it will have to be initiated by him telling me explicitly that he has changed his mind. NO half way measures. I can't see that happening as he is too scared, too insecure.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I still wonder if there is some kind of affair going on with him?

I totally relate to the confusion. It would be easier if they were bad and mean all the time.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

^^^^ I should say "easier to leave them".... not just easier...came out sounding wrong


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

cdm999 - it would be so much easier if he was consistently mean

It would also be easier if he was having an affair emotional or otherwise, and I have at some points been convinced of this...but now, as much as I can be sure, I am sure he is not.

He is just not that type of person, he is not confident enough, he works from home (looking after the kids) 1.5 days a week, he is home from work at 6pm promptly and he is here every weekend. there is no time, plus he willingly gives me passwords to phone, pc etc. I just can't see it....I have to believe my gut here and say that if he had cheated the guilt would be evident, he would not be able to hide it. At one point I begged him to tell me he was cheating so that I could just move on, so I could have a 'reason', and he was crying and saying he wishes he could give me a reason like 'I'm cheating'. Plus in the 5 months this has been going on, he is still home all the time, he still wants to spend all his spare time with me.

It may be naive, but when he swears he is not cheating or has not cheated, I believe him. The fact is if he was, it would easier to walk away, for both of us. 

If I kept my mouth shut for TWO years, never ever telling him when he had hurt me, or angered me, or upset me, then I'm pretty sure I would be running out the door too. My resentment would be HUGE, I would probably hate him...I can get where he is coming from, but I do NOT get how he can just walk away from an incredible sexual and emotional connection, his best friend, his beautiful family...is he REALLY that scared of things going back to how they were??


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

So sorry... you must be tormented. It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe giving him space and the "Just Let Him Go" approach which is a link here somewhere. Sorry dont know how to do the links.

This kind of is a If you let them go and they come back on their own, then it was meant to be..... I wish I could follow my own advice...i know it is hard.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Katy,

Why are you allowing him to treat you in this horrendous way? He is yanking your chain and you are allowing it. Stop! What do you want out of life? What are your dreams and goals, outside of marriage?

I'm glad to hear that you are moving out. You need space from him. Focus on you. Go out with friends, start a hobby, do anything new and different from what you did while married.

Your H is confused - you can't fix it for him. You need to protect your heart and take care of yourself. I know it is incredibly hard. It is so hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of the situation. I think that's why it's so helpful to post here. You can get advice from the outside. You do not deserve to be treated the way he treats you. Try reading your posts as if someone else posted them - I hope you see how poorly he is treating you. I hope you put your foot down and say "No more!"


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

KITH - I have moments where it really hits me how destructive, hurtful and degrading his 'confusion' is... But most of the time it is hard to see the woods for the trees. Moving out will solve this problem.
I am now approaching this whole thing like a bad habit I want to break. I will use the techniques I teach my clients.
The reason this is SO hard to let go of is that for 12 years I had consistent thoughts about 'us'... Such As: we are 'meant' to be, we are star crossed lovers, we are soul mates, my life would be over without him, we were destined to be together, we are the 'genuine' article' etc etc
The more I thought these 'thoughts' the stronger the neural connections became, these thoughts turned into beliefs, and every day I fed these beliefs, strengthened them. The magnificence of 'Us' is now firmly wired into my harddrive. It is the filter through which all of my experiences pass, it colours everything and it creates a 'map' of the world for me which made me feel safe and in control. 
He ripped that away from me... Reality is now in sharp PAINFUL contrast to my long held BELIEFS. It creates feelings of groundlessnes, fear, mistrust, it calls ALL of who I was, am and was going to be into question. 
In order to move on, let go, end the pain I need to change my beliefs .
The brain has plasticity - it takes only 21 days to rewire the brain - to physically reshape the brain, creating new neural pathways and therefore NEW beliefs, NEW perceptions.
A belief should SERVE not HINDER us. A belief is simply a thought you keep thinking , again and again until it is hardwired in. 
So I can make this change by changing my consistent thoughts.
Every SINGLE time I catch myself thinking about and wallowing in how we 'were meant to be' I will stop and I will think about my NEW life, I will daydream about my new house, my new REAL fire (*sigh*), I imagine in VIVID detail the adventures I can have, the wonderful new relationships. I will tell MY NEW STORY, again and again and again... In 21 days it will become my new reality.
Today I have just bought an original 1920's clubhouse sofa (recently reupholstered!) for £25 on eBay. I am off now to imagine it in my new home...my beautiful new sofa will contain a very hot, disgustingly handsome, obscenely rich, ruthlessly intelligent, emotionally stable man, who will be desperate, ready and willing to shower me with affection, attention and maybe some exotic holidays!
SEE! I already have a great big SMILE on my face.... I'm walking the walk baby!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Good for you!!!

I have been singing the praises of cognitive behavioral therapy here but don't know if anyone is trying it. What you describe here is sooooo important. I hope everyone reads your last post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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