# Rock Bottom



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

H and I had our fourth counseling session and are, I believe, at rock bottom. We had it all out, argued, made accusations, some really nasty stuff, all while the counselor tried to interject and sort things out. H has major anger issues and can be controlling and manipulative and I’ve more or less completely shut him out. The counselor is focused on his anger issues being the main root of all of our problems. Fast forward to home after the session, H wanted to continue the argument and I eventually gave in. It followed the same old nonproductive patterns until he eventually refused to attend sessions any longer saying the doctor is a flake and he’s done, done trying. After this he came over to me and expected a goodnight kiss, huh? :scratchhead: He got mad again when I wasn’t interested and stormed off. If he refuses to work on things nothing I do will help, nothing will change and we’ll both go on being miserable until one of us cracks up so as I was trying like hell to fall asleep I decided that I need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Just talk, not take any action, simply learn my options in case he continues down this path. When I woke up he had left a long, loving note apologizing for the years of suffering he’s caused, accepted 100% responsibility for everything (he is not 100% responsible) and said he’s trying to change but needs my patience because he can’t do it without me, can’t live without me, etc. We’ve been through this before prior to getting married. We hit rock bottom, he put his fist through a plate glass window, he promised to work on controlling his anger and it was better until we got married when it all went downhill again. 

I’m so disgusted with us that I can barely stand to be in the same room with him and it’s been this way for awhile, sometimes I just feel numb. I’m still too hurt to really open up again but I don’t want to desert him, he’s my H after all for better or worse. So my question is, when and how do you decide where the line is? When is enough, enough?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you have to ask that question...you already know the answer.

Make and exit plan...

Preacher


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Idk though. I’m near the end of my rope but I’m not innocent in all of this and while he’s responsible for his actions I’ve allowed him to walk all over me in this way which has perpetuated the cycle. If I can stand up for myself and change my reactions while he’s trying to change his actions, it’s possible we could get back to the days when we made each other happy instead of hurt and resentful don’t you think?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Are you still seeing the counselor by yourself? If so, discuss those questions with the counselor. 

Yes, you could get back to what you had, but remember there's a lot of resentment built up.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

With counseling it ALWAYS gets worse before it gets better. 4th session into it, and i'm betting it still has a bit to go before there is some progressive behavior. Counseling can heal, but usually not before it drags out all the old hurts. 

When is your next session? By then, he may have cooled down to the point where he is willing to go again. If not, keep the appointment and go by yourself and KEEP GOING, even if he refuses. It will help you process things and make a rational decision.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

geesh, sounds awful, hope you can work things out. I know it's hard to be fair when you get so mad you want to scream !


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks to all of you, I’ve been a complete mess today and wouldn’t have gotten through the workday in one piece without this forum. 

Dcrim - Oh yes, I’ll continue seeing the counselor even if I have to go by myself. Our appointments are on Tuesdays so I have an entire week to wait. I’ve held back in the sessions from going there with regards to just how desperate I think the situation is because… well I’m not sure really, I think I’m afraid of H’s reaction, that he might just up and give up or that I’ll really hurt his feelings. 

Mommybean – Ugh, this is going to get worse?! Thank you for the honesty, I’ll be sure to prepare myself for it! I think his letter was an indication that he will continue counseling but I’m not sure as we haven’t talked all day. 

Preso – I am trying my best to be fair and see my part in all of this, it’s not easy but it’s definitely for the best.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

remember.........

cool heads prevail.

Try to be as cool headed as you can, it will only serve to benefit YOU in all this !!!
good luck and I hope things improve.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

"Cool heads prevail" I like that.....

What's his anger from? sounds like he needs to continue therapy but by himself. 

Only you know when enough is enough....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my H has some serious anger issues too. never would have guessed it. when we were dating he was the most laid back, go with the flow kind of person. amazing what comes out after a few years. 

but anyway...i know how you feel. i hate the yo-yo. my H will explode and act like nothing happened later. but that's common. they dont see it from your side. my H and i got in a fight this weekend. he completely turned on me out of no where and emotionally shut me out. and his response was, "well at least i didnt threaten to hurt you this time. that's something right?" jerk.

i was/am feeling pretty desolate, too. My h doesnt work on it, either. he has books he never reads, has stopped going to counseling, and just plays video games. 

i guess you just gotta take it one day at a time. the way i see it is im still here today, and today i want to feel happy, so what can i do to help myself in the situation im in today? no sense in not trying to work on myself just because my marriage is going to hell. i dont really worry about when im going to leave, if i should leave, because that takes me out of being able to make myself happy today. i think if it ever comes to a point that i want to leave, and im sensing that point will come, it will be when im at a complete calm, not angry or bitter, and even happy with myself- just not happy with the relationship.

so separate yourself from him emotionally, physically if you need to. take care of your own happiness. of course there's a limit to your happiness in your situation (believe me i understand that) but as long as you decide to stay today, there is something you can do to help yourself.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Cooler heads prevail is going to be my mantra from here on out  

Matino – His anger is a lifetime thing (he’s 30 years old) and goes way back to when he was a kid. According to his parents he has always been excitable and they just sort of ignored the problem. Instead of helping him to control it they catered to his mood swings so he never learned how to express anger or the underlying causes in a productive manner so it just got worse and worse. He has been in counseling on his own before, about twelve years ago but it was for more serious issues and this got pushed aside and then he quit going. I keep hoping the counselor will suggest some individual sessions. 

Blanca – Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! I would never wish this on anyone but it helps to know I’m not alone in what we’re going through. Your yo-yo explanation hits the nail on the head. When I got home last night H wanted to act like everything was perfectly fine. I shouldn’t have been but I was shocked! It does come out of nowhere most of the time, the littlest thing will set him off. I’m so sorry that you have also had to deal with threats to your safety! I can imagine how scary that can be and I agree, no way he deserves praise for refraining from making threats. It shouldn’t even cross his mind! I hope that you won’t ever put yourself in harms way. 

Argh, the video games. My H is unemployed (six months now) on top of all of this and just sits and plays video games or watches tv all day. It’s a major escape from reality.

Thank you for the advice. I will keep focusing on myself and I think I will still ask the counselor about setting some clear goals & time frames here but I need to remember to go one day at a time, don’t look forward or back too much. It’s no easy task but you’re exactly right about it being necessary. You are both right that if it gets to a point where enough is enough I will just know and it won’t come from an emotional place. I need to trust that.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Man, I want to sit and play video games all day...but my wife won't let me...makes me go to work while she gets to work from home and make more money than I do...how fair is that? HUH? I would be a great househusband though cause my ADD would kick in about the third or fourth hour of every day that I was playing video games and I would have to clean something or eat or something...just to let my eyes readjust.

But I digress...I don't understand the reasoning behind why some men choose to be lazy and take advantage of their wives or more importantly, why the wives let them.

Maybe it's generational...but I'm kind of in-between generations and I've never, never, not supported my family and put my wife on a pedestal, even when they were cheating on me...when it just got to be too much...then the plug was pulled.

It takes awhile sometimes to find that one person who makes your whole life change...who helps to make you a better person and who you can help make better and both appreciate the other for doing so.

That's why I don't advocate putting any more effort into something that's dying a slow death...even if it can be saved, for how long does that really happen before you're right back in the same damn boat...and regardless, it's never the same.

Preacher


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> Man, I want to sit and play video games all day...but my wife won't let me...makes me go to work while she gets to work from home and make more money than I do...how fair is that? HUH? I would be a great househusband though cause my ADD would kick in about the third or fourth hour of every day that I was playing video games and I would have to clean something or eat or something...just to let my eyes readjust.
> 
> But I digress...I don't understand the reasoning behind why some men choose to be lazy and take advantage of their wives or more importantly, why the wives let them.
> 
> ...


Ha, your ADD does sound useful Preacher, wanna come clean my house? :rofl: Seriously though, unfortunately I’ve continued the pattern of letting my H get his way most times. I thought it was just easier than fighting about everything, boy was I wrong! I don’t want to mommy him though, I think it’s a fine line. I should give him some credit, he does the dishes every morning before settling in on the couch and he watches after the dog, it’s something. 

I wouldn’t doubt that it’s in part a generational thing. Not that it’s an excuse but his dad was just telling me how he tried to instill a good work ethic in he and his brother and never encouraged the sitting around attitude but that it just didn’t take. 

You sound like a good guy and you deserve kudos for your sense of responsibility. The funny part is that my H says I did make his whole life change. That his anger is ten times better than it used to be which is why he says he can’t improve further without me. What may be unbalanced about it is I’m not sure if he has the same effect on me of making me want to be a better person/wife. 

I see your point about not putting effort into something that’s dying a slow death but I’m just not ready to completely give up yet. I think way too many marriages are ended way too early these days because people don’t want to put any effort in whatsoever.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Is it possible that your H is bi-polar?


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

scarletblue said:


> Is it possible that your H is bi-polar?


I don’t believe so but anything is possible. The reason I don’t think so because he has the downs but doesn’t seem to have the ups. 

I’ve considered that it could be depression too (I have a relative who suffers from a similar illness and am familiar with the signs) but I don’t think his downs get to the extent that they’d be considered depression as they only come when he’s off work whereas the anger outbursts are there *all* of time. There’s a chance that it could be situational depression but that doesn’t explain the anger, he wouldn’t have the energy for the anger, so I’ve sort of settled on the fact that it’s straight up anger management issues.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Lord...everyone is bipolar these days...I'm bipolar, you're bipolar, he's bipolar, she's bipolar, let's all get into a medicated trance.

He doesn't sound bipolar though unless I'm missing something. Irresponsible, juvenile, lazy, unmotivated, disrespectful...yeah, probably some more "***fuls" if I thought about it long enough.

Good for you for not giving up easily...but in all seriousness, you should probably set a time line for improvements...especially if you aren't sure he's not going to be capable of giving you what you need emotionally and being supportive...

Preacher


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