# Can I trust her wanting to reconcile?



## sparkside1

My wife and I have been separated for 8 months now and during that time, she has had 2 affairs and has flirted heavily with other men. At the point where I didn't see a way back, I decided to start dating someone. In the mean time, my W decided that the grass was not greener and wanted to work on our marriage. I then told her about the woman I was seeing and this hurt her very much but she accepted this. I stopped seeing the woman and we have been talking about how we can get our marriage back on track and she has told me that she gets bored of the mundane day to day life that family life involves. She says that she it doesn't mean going looking for other men but to just do things together. She has said that she cannot garantee the intimacy will return after everything that has happened as she doesn't know how to rekindle that side of the marriage. She has also suggested going on holiday to Cuba over christmas and new year. We cannot afford this but I feel like i have to embrace any enthusiasm she shows towards working on the marriage. She says that she has planned little suprises for us and it's all great but she has not told me that she loves me and has not yet shown me any affection. It's all very confusing as I have been through so much yet feel like I should just tow the line and hope she come round. Any advice here?


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## the guy

You are a security blanket, not her lover.
You offer a safe and stable enviorment, but she still wants the thrill of the hunt. People that go for married folks are vampires who only use others, they are not the sort that show protection and care, and thats where you come in, the safe place 

Affection,intimacy,and a commitment are the glue that hold the marriage together. and she is not providing any glue of her own.


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## sparkside1

Yes but this is my wife that we are talking about. The date I went on was a one off and I won't be seeing her again as my W has finally seen the light. My problem is that I just can't afford all these activities that she wants to do. I'm not even living at home and we are not intimate right now so how can I justify expensive hoildays? I know my W is trying but surely we should be working on intimacy first. How can that happen anyway? She wonders how she can want me again after 8 months and compares it to when she was pregnant and I didn't want her for 9 months for my own worries of hurting the baby...madness but it was how I felt at the time. I want to be intimate with her and I know it takes time as we have only been talking and doing family things together so far. I'm still the same man that she married but I guess that after she slept with someone else, it has made her fell awkward. She also wonders how I feel about wanting to sleep with her after the way she has treated me. All very confusing.


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## notreadytoquit

the guy said:


> You are a security blanket, not her lover.
> You offer a safe and stable enviorment, but she still wants the thrill of the hunt. People that go for married folks are vampires who only use others, they are not the sort that show protection and care, and thats where you come in, the safe place
> 
> Affection,intimacy,and a commitment are the glue that hold the marriage together. and she is not providing any glue of her own.


You actually made me laugh, i have never read/heard anyone use the term "vampire" for people that go after married folks.


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## sparkside1

I prefer to use the term predators..my wife has had plenty of them sniffing around. Thankfully she's figured to keep them at bay.


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## colour-me-confused

I think that your wife is trying to rebuild an emotional connection with you before being intimate. But I think that if the two of you are truly getting along and are resolving the reasons for your situation then you will soon regain the intimacy too. I know its hard not to hear her say "I love you" ... but the fact that she is trying to work on things says that she does. For now she's taking small steps ... take them with her and enjoy the ride 
As for the money stuff. I think you should tell her straight up that you cannot afford this. Offer different suggestions closer to your own home. Don't start trying to repair your relationship by being dishonest. You can do great things together without going broke.
I'll tell you this; I recently tried to reconcile with my husband. And it failed. But I would not take it back for anything. It brought both of us a sense of peace and happiness. I will love my husband, soon to be ex, for the rest of my life. He is a great father and an amazing person. What i learned when we tried to reconcile is that he is still all the great things he always had been .... but he is simply not the person who can make me happy. And i am not that person for him either. My point here is that you should try. Be open and honest and true in every way .... and no matter the outcome, you will find happiness


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## sparkside1

Well, she told me that she loved me last night and that I am her soul mate and best friend. She then went on facebook and started flirting with the guy she went to her school prom with 15 years ago! They even mentioned possibly meeting up!! She has problem with flirting and whilst we have been separated, her behaviour has been out of control. She id due to start therapy soon but in the mean time I need to tackle this somehow. Tonight I asked her if she meant what she said about loving me and she said yes and kissed me. She could see something was wrong but I told her I was fine as I cannot reveal how I find out what she does online. She has arranged dates and activities for us to do as a couple and seems to want to work on things but in secret, she continues to do this stuff and I thought she was keeping them at bay.....it's so confusing please help guys


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## lobokies

hi spark

tell her... what to choose... continue her flirting habit or stop it
this is unhealthy marriage. she keeps flirting while claiming she loves you. wew, does she has heart ..?


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## the guy

A couple of things Sparside, there was no amount of cost I would have spent to reconnect with my wife. for example; short time at work, going out all the time, staying home w/ take out & wine. Finacially it has caugth up with me but it payed off.
I confronted her in Feb. 12 2010 and I spent the rest of the month working some 20 less hours a week and droping $40 to $60 a day going here and there and take out w/ wine. It seamed like we were together all day and just connecting, and staying up all night having sex.
The second thing is my wife was worse then your wife
Check out my post "the guy with the cheating wife".
Man, my W was why out there!

Chicks like to go out, they are impressed with the effort. They love the attention.


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## Deejo

I followed your other thread.

I will tell you honestly, at this point, I don't know quite what it is you hope to gain in terms of input, or hope to gain by continuing to pursue this woman who won't offer up affection or intimacy _for you_ but would like _you_ to pay for a tropical holiday.

Your relationship is toxic


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## Zulu

This has been a question of mine as well, although she has not wanted to comeback, but the question to ask yourself is(and I am crapping myself if I ever have to make this choice/decision)... could you trust her when you did, did she wipe the floor with you.... so why trust her now, she will have to earn trust. Relistically, like me, I am better off with out her... and you will also be.


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## sparkside1

It's a hard call really. She feels closer to me and is planning all this stuff and spending more and more time with me. She feels we need a second honeymoon, renew our vows and put this year behind us and start with a clean slate. She starts therapy next week to deal with her self esteem and childhood issues caused thanks to her father not loving her and teasing her about her appearance throughout her early years leading up to puberty. She's messed up and she knows it. Everything looks positive on paper but I will not let my guard down and want to see a real sign of commitment from her. It is hard not recieving any affection and I hope it does come, but I almost feel like I musn't touch her even though she doesn't seem to mind getting close on the couch. She arranged to go to a party tonight and didn't tell me. She still keeps her friends very separate and it's almost like she doesn't want people to know that she is married as it would cramp her flirtatious behaviour. When I confronted her, she started to change her mind about going and may want to go out with me instead. She tells me not to worry about other guys anymore but how can I when she is always looking elsewhere for attention? No wonder the affection is not there yet, is it guilt or just that it's not as exciting as getting the attention from someone new? 

Yeah, I could walk away and I nearly did, with someone else but now that she is dealing with everything, I'll give her until xmas and then reassess the situation


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## geo

I too think that you need to take a real hard look, I understand it is your wife, but being the backup plan is hard on a mans self esteem.


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## CH

SS1, this is my last post for any of your posts dealing with you and your wife. She stomped on you, she beat the *bleep* out of you and now that the fun and money has run out she's a coming back to her main guy that will provide a home, food and security.

You just stated another example of how she doesn't really care about you at all. Says you're her soul mate, loves you, you're the only one for her then she's on facebook chatting with an old ex....

Comon, what else do you want her to do to finally prove that she even give's a rat's *bleep* about you. There is the real apology where the wayward spouse becomes transparent and dedicates themselves to their spouse, and then there are the ones who run out of money, fun, excitement then run back to the spouse until the next big rush comes along.

Just go up to your wife, spread your legs and let her give you a quick kick. I assure you, that will be alot less painful when it starts all over again. And you'll be posting again, "OMG she did it again, what am I supposed to do guys!!!"

Just go back and re-read all our advice to you at that point and that's what you should have done months ago.


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## F-102

Hate to say it bud, but it sounds like you are her safe port in a storm, and she keeps flirting and will continue to do so. She knows there are two outcomes: she will get shot down from the other men, but she knows that she has a safe chump to come home to when that doesn't work. Or, she will successfully land another, "better" guy, and you will be in the dust again.

She is on a tightrope, and at the other side is what she believes will be her true happiness, with a mega-handsome, rich man that she can show off to everyone, but she knows that if she slips, there is always the safety net-YOU!


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## steak dinner

SS1,

You said she was flirting after she said she loves you! WTF!
You need to set some boundaries with her and be willing to enforce them.

You cant give untimatums, they are controlling. You need to let her have her choice.

eg.

wife, when you engage with other men online and flirt it is disrespectful to me. If you continue doing it you will not be welcome in my house. I will back your bags for you and you can go find somewhere else to live.

Be prepared to follow through with your actions.

You let her decide what she wants.

Never be anyone's plan B.


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