# Does being angry help?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

As most of you know, my wife was the "walk-away wife" after 18 years. We had a very civil divorce, and we aren't violent now, but my x wife has an angry tone with me anytime a small issue arises. For example, The last time I got the kids, we decided she could drop them off and I would bring them back. 

On the day I was to bring them back, we both had some family gatherings going on and she asked if I could bring them to her sister's house instead of hers. It was only 3 or 4 miles out of the way, but I asked if we could meet half way. She agreed, but acted as if it was awful. She said I was going back on what I had agreed to, and said "I'll remember this." I can't express the tone of voice in typing, but one would have thought I had purposely backed into her car. She even called later that night and ranted about it for a while. 

By making an issue out of everything, she has become a joke to a lot of people in town. People will often ask me in a joking way, "Have you had any drama lately?" 

I just wonder if getting angry at me and making a big issue out of everything makes her feel better about the divorce? I didn't give her what she needed in the marriage emotionally and things of that nature, but I'm not a bad guy. I believe the issues we had were serious to us, but I didn't do anything that she could tell someone about that would make their jaw drop; therefore, she has had a lot of trouble justifying the divorce to friends.

As a matter of fact, I've had a lot of people tell me that I'm the one that should be angry and should have asked for the divorce. 

She's had a lot of conflict with our daughter since the divorce due to my x trying to date someone, which my daughter absolutely despises, and my x's sister commented, "I don't think she's as happy as she thought she would be." 

Meanwhile, I have no problems with the kids when they are with me. 

I know that nobody knows my x, but generally speaking, could a person in this situation really be angry with themselves but try to blame it on everybody else?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> I know that nobody knows my x, but generally speaking, could a person in this situation really be angry with themselves but try to blame it on everybody else?


Sure, I could buy into this. Maybe she is finding that her life after the divorce isn't quite what she thought it would be and she's taking it out on everybody else, including you.

You know that sticky over in the Men's Clubhouse about "fitness tests"? Sounds like you better go over there and read up 'cuz you might be in for a bunch of testing even though you're not married anymore. But, it sounds like you're keeping your cool about it and that's the best way to handle it, I think.

I know that she is the one who wanted the divorce, but honestly southbound, it sounds like you may have actually dodged a bullet there. I know you wanted your marriage to work out, but I think you now have the chance for much brighter horizons ahead of you (and I know what's it's like in small rural towns 'cuz I grew up in one).


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I know that she is the one who wanted the divorce, but honestly southbound, it sounds like you may have actually dodged a bullet there. I know you wanted your marriage to work out, but I think you now have the chance for much brighter horizons ahead of you (and I know what's it's like in small rural towns 'cuz I grew up in one).


Perhaps you are right. I've had some friends to tell me that as well. I guess time will only tell what form that bullet will be in, but it could be true.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

There was a thread started in the Men's Clubhouse just in the last day or so about defense mechanisms. Read through that - it sounds like your wife is doing #3.

_3. Acting Out
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally._

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

More importantly, who cares? Let them stew in it until they explode. All she wants is some reaction out of you which will justify her actions to herself. That's what all psycho-beotches do.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The opposing emotion to anger is powerlessness. In this situation it means things aren't going as well as she expected and she feels powerless to change it.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Southbound,

Your ex wasn't and isn't a happy woman! 

So your answer from the other thread is here! 

Now stop analyzing what your problem was that she checked out!  

SHE was the problem!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> SHE was the problem!


Thank you! And I whole heartedly agree. 

Angry people are not happy people. Southbound take comfort in that. 

One more thing that my therapist told me. Sometimes in life there are no answers as to why. Trying to analyze and figure out the unanswerable question is just an exercise in making yourself crazy.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I carried around a lot of guilt and anger after I divorced my exH. To outsiders (and apparently, him) I was a walk away wife. In my mind, it was much more like Turnera described in another thread of yours. I felt I suffered in silence for years. Then, when I decided to leave, he was so miserable that I didn't have it in my heart to explain my reasons for divorcing him to anyone who asked. Including him. I only wanted out and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain by telling our friends about his faults and insecurities. He, on the other hand, told his side of the story to anyone who would listen. I figured it was his right for the heart break he was enduring and said nothing to correct him. 

This caused me more problems than I realized at the time. I know now that I was angry that he came off as a victim and he thought it was so easy on me. It wasn't easy. Years later, I can remember having dreams where we were still married and waking up p***ed off! I carried that around with me for almost as long as we were married. The only time during my life that I was thankful for not having children was during my divorce and a couple of years after. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if I had to remain in contact with him and be civil because we had children.

The best advice I can give you is to stop talking to mutual friends about her if you want her to stop being angry. I know your heart is broken, but the questions you have will probably never be answered to your satisfaction. Please know that I'm not trying to hurt your feelings at all. I just don't think it's healthy for you to dwell on the past in this circumstance. Once my ex stopped doing that, he met and married someone who is so much better suited to him than I ever was. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to let go of the past and walk toward it.

That's how someone whom others would dub a " walk away wife" sees it. It doesn't mean she never loved you- she most likely did, but sometimes once it's gone- it's just gone. She was proably just as puzzled as you are when she realized it. You can still have a happy ending. Just focus on yourself and stay in the now. Your heart will heal and you may just be thankful that things turned out the way they did someday.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LuvMyH said:


> I carried around a lot of guilt and anger after I divorced my exH. To outsiders (and apparently, him) I was a walk away wife. In my mind, it was much more like Turnera described in another thread of yours. I felt I suffered in silence for years. Then, when I decided to leave, he was so miserable that I didn't have it in my heart to explain my reasons for divorcing him to anyone who asked. Including him. I only wanted out and I didn't want to cause him anymore pain by telling our friends about his faults and insecurities. He, on the other hand, told his side of the story to anyone who would listen. I figured it was his right for the heart break he was enduring and said nothing to correct him.
> 
> This caused me more problems than I realized at the time. I know now that I was angry that he came off as a victim and he thought it was so easy on me. It wasn't easy. Years later, I can remember having dreams where we were still married and waking up p***ed off! I carried that around with me for almost as long as we were married. The only time during my life that I was thankful for not having children was during my divorce and a couple of years after. I don't know how I would have dealt with it if I had to remain in contact with him and be civil because we had children.
> 
> ...



You mentioned something that puzzled me about her as well. In the early months of our divorce, she acted as though it were strange that i would talk to people about it. She acted as though if we kept our mouths shut that people would just think, "Oh, you're getting a divorce, ok, no big deal." 

I intentionally confided in some people about it, but honestly, a lot of people would just ask me about it. I didn't find that strange because divorce is a big thing and it shocked a lot of people. I would just tell them all the reasons she told me as to why she wanted a divorce. I tried to be as honest as possible. I didn't stretch it, and as I have done on this forum, I would often even blame myself. Nonetheless, most people thought her reasons were silly. I thought it made sense to talk freely about it rather than act like it was a big secret. In a small town especially. If people don't know the truth, then they start speculating, and that leads to untruths. 

I believe that she thought people would view her as the victim, and she really wanted to be, but her story of apparent misery just wasn't the jaw-dropper that she had hoped for. Once she realized that people thought she was crazy, she blamed it on me. I told her that it just "is what it is" and people make their own conclusions. She never accused me of lying to people, because she knew i wasn't; apparently she just hated the truth. 

I swear, if she went on Dr. Phil, he'd probably commit suicide before the show was over!


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