# Dangle a carrot



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea. Going to the concert might actually help us connect.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, ED. I cannot speak for all women, but this would piss me off royally and make me less willing to lose weight. I know your intent is benign, but no. If you want to spend time with her and take her to a concert that she would enjoy, then do it. Don't make it contingent on her weight.

By the same token, if you want to provide an incentive, say something like, "hey, honey, I'm so proud of you for joining that gym. Would it be helpful if you got a prize for certain interim goals? How about if we budget x number of dollars for your first ten pounds and you can use it for something you've really wanted?"

See? That makes it an incentive, not an insult, and puts more of the control in her hands. Rather than you dangling a carrot, much as if she were a trained seal. I'm sure I'm not explaining this well, but I bet other women on here get what I'm saying.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

That makes better sense. Thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wouldn't say anything about her weight, no matter what. Encourage going to the gym, instead. Reward the good behavior.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> I wouldn't say anything about her weight, no matter what. Encourage going to the gym, instead. Reward the good behavior.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PBear, While I agree that generally encouragement is better than criticism and useful, I would also like to say that in the OPs case, he be very careful about how he deals with either. If she has sleep apnea that is being caused by her weight, then, she has a serious health concern. If he completely ignores it, then she might think it's okay to be complacent about this. At the same time, if he nags her too much about it, she may just not work out to resist his control of her actions in defiance.

ED...Don't give her conditional rewards like she is a dog you're training, but, use more encouragement when she is making progress. Do remember that it is HER journey and not yours and no matter how much of a cheerleader, coach, pep squad, or drill sergeant you are about her efforts, they are HER efforts and not yours. 

How would you like to be treated if you were in her position? Like a dog needing a treat for good behavior or like a horse needing to be tricked with a carrot? Um...not so respectful an attitude; just think about what might work if you were in her shoes for a bit.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

There is no carrot that can make her want to change. And women sometimes take even your most honorable intentions and get all pissy about them, like a previous poster mentioned. She has to want to change --> so this is all about how much you are willing to put up with if she decides not to lose weight (or even putting on some more pounds).

If it is a deal-breaker for you, let her know. If she wants to get all mad and starts getting heavier on purpose; well you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to. 

IMO weight problems are something that should be communicated between couples, using tact, but not walking on eggshells. You can dangle incentives like: sex, sweetness, yelling, doing the housework, getting 2 jobs so she can stay at home, get her a gym membership, a personal trainer, and you will fail if she doesn't want to change. 

One last thing, I always felt that I was able to say things about weight in a relationship, because I was always in great shape. But many men do not have any ground to stand on with this issue because they have let themselves go. Good luck man, you are going to need it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Vanton68 said:


> There is no carrot that can make her want to change.
> 
> She has to want to change --> so this is all about how much you are willing to put up with if she decides not to lose weight (or even putting on some more pounds).
> 
> ...


I agree. Communicate how much it bothers you, that it's a deal breaker if it is. It is up to her to change or not.

If you're fit, then you may have more ground to stand on, but don't be sanctimonious or pushy. Just explain -- you're so overweight that you need a sleep apnea machine; this is getting out of hand; then hire her a trainer and nutritionist (people who are not you so she can't take it personally when they push her on the hard work it will take) and then let her do her thing. You decide when it's not something you can deal with anymore rather than dictate her process.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

We went to church yesterday and a lady there asked her if she was expecting a baby. Another lady had asked her this a while back. That would be enough incentive for me to lose weight if it was me. I think that a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed but it is impossible due to her snoring. Every night it justs makes me more frustrated. I would like to be able to pick her up in my arms like a few years ago.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but *won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea.* Going to the concert might actually help us connect.


Is it a mask or is it the nasal pillows? I know from experience that the mask was horrible. The nasal pillows were MUCH more comfortable! It's a vicious cycle, actually, regarding weight loss. You need to lose weight to sleep better. You need to sleep better to lose weight. If you don't get the restful sleep you need, the weight won't come off, no matter what you try. Been there, done that. What exactly is the issue with the CPAP machine? Is it discomfort from the mask or the noise of the machine. I know mine wasn't really quiet, but I got used to it. I don't use it anymore, not since I had lost 200 pounds (surgery...and no matter what anyone says, it is NOT the easy way out! But the problems I had were worth it, for me). I have since begun gaining some back. Funny how pregnancies can do that lol. Anyway, I need to get in for another sleep study and likely get a new machine, again.

My point is that the CPAP will help her get the restful sleep she needs in order to get the weight off. She will have more energy, even for that gym membership


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

It is the CPAP machine. She just thinks it is too much trouble. Sometimes the mask isn't on quite right which ends up making noise.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> It is the CPAP machine. She just thinks it is too much trouble. Sometimes the mask isn't on quite right which ends up making noise.


Well, regarding the mask... see if she can get the pillows instead. no issue there regarding not being on just right. And, believe me, getting that restful sleep is SOOOOO worth it! Don't nag, of course... But see if she would be willing to try the nasal pillows to see if it works better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you offered to go to the gym with her? Make it a social outing for the two of you?

She has to start moving. This will get the good brain chemicals working. 

Try just getting her to go on walks with you. Start out slow so as to not tire her in the beginning. Don't mention her weight or need for exercise. Just say you want to spend some time with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Well, regarding the mask... see if she can get the pillows instead. no issue there regarding not being on just right. And, believe me, getting that restful sleep is SOOOOO worth it! Don't nag, of course... But see if she would be willing to try the nasal pillows to see if it works better.


nasal pillow?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> nasal pillow?


LOL yes. You still have the headgear that goes over the top, but, instead of the triangular-ish shaped mask, it is more like a nasal cannula like in the hospital. The difference is that it is a sealed fit inside the nose.
This is the one I had: CPAP Wholesale - Breeze from Covidien

But they come in a variety of types. These are much more comfortable than the mask. But, I did have the mask as a backup for awhile.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> As an incentive for my wife to actually go to the gym that she recently joined to lose weight would it be ok to tell her that if she starts to lose some weight I will take her to a concert that is coming up at the end of July. I know that women are sensitive about their weight but she even knows that she needs to. I keep hoping that she will take better care of herself. She will go to her doctor for depression but won"t take her medicine, go to doctor for sleep apnea but won't wear the CPAP mask. I told her that if she lost some weight it might help with the sleep apnea. Going to the concert might actually help us connect.


That's a tough position to be in! I think the best way to go about it would be to praise he after she goes to the gym. "Great job babe, how was your workout?" I was in really good shape after our son and I did gain weight after going to work. My husband never mentioned it but when I got upset about it he said "Is there anything I can do to help, like stop offering certain types of snacks" etc. To me this was him acknowledging that I could use to lose some weight without hurting my feelings. 

Buy the concert tickets. When she makes an effort, praise it! When the concert comes around you can tell her "I got these tickets to surprise you, I am proud of how hard you are working."


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> We went to church yesterday and a lady there asked her if she was expecting a baby. Another lady had asked her this a while back.


You should stick up for your wife, not just be embarrassed by her. She is more than just her body. When you are embarrassed or upset that she isn't quite the object you want her to be, try to think about the good things about her that you love, that you cherish.

In fact, make a list right now: 10 reasons why your wife is amazing. Stick that in your wallet. Whenever you're embarrassed or bothered by things that are this petty, go read over your list. Write down the memories or qualities that truly deeply speak to you, in your heart, not just things you think should go on this list. 



EDCIJB said:


> That would be enough incentive for me to lose weight if it was me.


Well, she isn't you. Clearly, her self-respect isn't based on the opinions of random churchgoers. You can't be angry because she isn't motivated by the things that do motivate you. Figure out what does motivate her, what issues she is hiding from. People become very fat because they are avoiding something, usually, or hiding from themselves. If you want to motivate her, truly, help her figure out why she is allowing herself to live in a way that puts her life and health in such jeopardy. Get her into therapy or get yourselves there; maybe a marriage counselor will be the kind of mediator that gets through to your wife about the magnitude of the problem in your mind.



EDCIJB said:


> I think that a husband and wife should sleep in the same bed but it is impossible due to her snoring. Every night it justs makes me more frustrated. I would like to be able to pick her up in my arms like a few years ago.


Have you told her this? Have you said you want to be able to do these things and that they are very important to you, conveyed the significance of these things to you? What does she say?

You should make a list of the things that are getting in the way of a fulfilling married life between the two of you. Just list 10 things that are a problem -- maybe 10 things that are a problem related to her weight. Then, sit down and talk to her about it! Seriously, gently, and honestly. Tell her that you love her and you want a good life with her and that you are having a lot of problem living that life because her weight is an obstacle in these ten ways. It would be a lot like an intervention, where you explain to her that you love her and want to marry her, but if she isn't willing to do something about this, then you have a big problem. I strongly advice to to seek a counselor who is good at interventions and mediation who can help get through to our wife.

Here's the thing. You cannot make her change if she doesn't want to do so. You can't trick her into it. You can't shame her into it. You can't force her into it. You can't manipulate her into it. You can only ask her if she is willing to do it for you or not and she might be willing to and she might not. You can let her know how much this bugs you and hope she changes. You can get her the right kind of support, if she chooses to do so. However, if she chooses not to do that (even after you have made an effort to work things out with her, keeping in mind that it might take more than a year for her to get out of this calorie-addiction and back toward fitness, that it might involve really facing some emotional issues), then you have to decide whether you can love her anyway or whether you need to leave her.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I understand your concern for her but, IMO, theres a word called acceptance. Acceptance of who she is etc. All you can do is tell her your concerns in a nice way, you are also not responsible for her reactions, but make sure you know you are as kind about things as you can be. You can't make someone change. She may or may not change. If she does, she will when shes ready. As far as the CPAP machine, my father has one, loves it! Makes a world of difference to him, and yes it can be a bit of trouble and it has to be kept clean etc, but it has made a world of difference to him. Try to remain as supportive as you can.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> It is the CPAP machine. She just thinks it is too much trouble. Sometimes the mask isn't on quite right which ends up making noise.


I think this is probably the key issue. 

She was prescribed a CPAP b/c she has moderate/severe apnea, and she is probably exhausted and miserable 24/7. One or both of you need to lurk at cpaptalk.com. Tons of great CPAP users there with great advice. There is likely a mask that will be a great fit for her, and she will feel like a new person.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

Last night I went to bed and was suprised to see my wife there with her CPAP mask on. I asked her if she was going to sleep in "our" room and she said that she couldn't sleep in the other room with our 2 year old because he was still awake. I thought that she might stay for the whole night but she lasted only an hour or so. This is one of the reasons why I was hoping she would go to gym and lose a few pounds;she might not even need to wear the mask at all. She is always tired so by the time i get home she is usually ready to go onto bed. It is like we are working shifts. I punch in at home and she punches out.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> Last night I went to bed and was suprised to see my wife there with her CPAP mask on. I asked her if she was going to sleep in "our" room and she said that she couldn't sleep in the other room with our 2 year old because he was still awake. I thought that she might stay for the whole night but she lasted only an hour or so. This is one of the reasons why I was hoping she would go to gym and lose a few pounds;she might not even need to wear the mask at all. She is always tired so by the time i get home she is usually ready to go onto bed. It is like we are working shifts. I punch in at home and she punches out.


All the "hoping" in the world will not make her go to the gym. Right now practice acceptance, until or if she decides what she wants for herself.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I hear what you are saying but the lack of quality sleep is affecting our marriage in her ability to do for herself and her family. I didn't get married to have to just accept that this is how it might be for the rest of our years together.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> I hear what you are saying but the lack of quality sleep is affecting our marriage in her ability to do for herself and her family. I didn't get married to have to just accept that this is how it might be for the rest of our years together.


I'm saying accept HER for who she is at this point. You are very enmeshed with her life. I understand you have concerns for her and love her and want her to do XYZ, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. She will need to decide what she wants for herself. If the lack of sleep is coming from her choices, then it just is, thats on her. Its time to take care of you.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She decided to sleep with me last night with her CPAP mask on. She said that she was tired of sleeping on the couch and felt too sleepy during the day. Well, the noise from the CPAP and her breathing was about as bad as her snoring when she doesn't wear it. I finally got up and went to sleep in the room with our child. I was lucky if i even got 3 hours of sleep. I didn't want to have to leave our bed but I had to try and get some sleep. I mentioned the gym to her again and still have not told her about the upcoming concert that I know she would like.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> She decided to sleep with me last night with her CPAP mask on. She said that she was tired of sleeping on the couch and felt too sleepy during the day. *Well, the noise from the CPAP and her breathing was about as bad as her snoring when she doesn't wear it. I finally got up and went to sleep in the room with our child.* I was lucky if i even got 3 hours of sleep. I didn't want to have to leave our bed but I had to try and get some sleep. I mentioned the gym to her again and still have not told her about the upcoming concert that I know she would like.


You reinforced her reasons for NOT wearing it, by getting up and sleeping in another room. I have to say, regarding her losing weight and no longer needing the cpap... that's not necessarily going to happen. My mother and I both had weight loss surgery, but we had cpap machines before our surgeries. I lost about 200 pounds, was breathing better, sleeping better. I stopped using the machine because I believed I no longer needed it. I need to go back to get another sleep study done because my husband has stated that I am snoring again, and I don't feel rested when I wake up. Plus, I am exhausted during the day.

My mom has lost over 100 pounds. She STILL needs her cpap and the oxygen. It's not an exact science. Even with losing a few pounds, she could STILL need the machine. My advice? Stay in there. Don't get up and go to another room. As with any sound, in time, you can tune it out. I did. My husband did. My dad did. 

If you get up and leave the room every night, that will just make her want to go without it, and likely want to sleep in with your child again. I'm curious... how did you handle things when your baby woke up at night? Were you able to sleep when your wife got up? Did you also get up? And, on that same subject... how did you function with the lack of sleep? Bottom line is that if you want your wife to succeed, be it weight loss or whatever, you NEED to support her... that includes the cpap/sleeping in the same room. Don't focus solely on her losing weight. Reinforce the POSITIVES she is doing now.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

I really encourage you to go to the gym with her and stand your ground about her using the CPAP and sleeping in your room.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She has been using the CPAP machine every night for about a week now. I have been able to sleep with her every night except for about two. She seems to have more energy and there is more stuff done around the house which is good.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EDCIJB said:


> She has been using the CPAP machine every night for about a week now. I have been able to sleep with her every night except for about two. She seems to have more energy and there is more stuff done around the house which is good.


My husband just got his cpap machine yesterday. He seems to be sleeping better too. Now...to get ME in for another study.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She has been wearing her CPAP mask every night for at least the past three weeks. Some nights the way she is breathing thru the mask makes too much noise so I am sleeping in our 2 year old boy's room some times. She has been to the gym just once since I last posted on here. Her 3 month membership is about up. She has probably been 4 or 5 times max.The weight loss may or may not help her sleep apnea but losing weight would definitely make her feel better about herself. She just can't get started. Our wedding anniversary was last week. I included a coupon that i had made for us to go to the concert. It looks like we won't be going though. She wants to go and see her mom instead. I thought that we might could reconnect at the concert on some levels. She wanted a hug the other day from me. I hugged her. She also wanted to know if I loved her. I told her yes even though I am still unsure of our future together.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, ED. I cannot speak for all women, but this would piss me off royally and make me less willing to lose weight. I know your intent is benign, but no. If you want to spend time with her and take her to a concert that she would enjoy, then do it. Don't make it contingent on her weight.
> 
> By the same token, if you want to provide an incentive, say something like, "hey, honey, I'm so proud of you for joining that gym. Would it be helpful if you got a prize for certain interim goals? How about if we budget x number of dollars for your first ten pounds and you can use it for something you've really wanted?"
> 
> See? That makes it an incentive, not an insult, and puts more of the control in her hands. Rather than you dangling a carrot, much as if she were a trained seal. I'm sure I'm not explaining this well, but I bet other women on here get what I'm saying.


I totally agree with you.


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