# What to do next?



## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

Well, I'm new to this site. I have been married to my husband for 7yrs and we've had problems on and off for most of that time. A few months ago we went to counceling a few times and I thought things were getting better (a little). At least he was trying for a while, and we were communicating. Well, it's so easy to fall back into a rut. But now the problem is bigger than I could have imagined. We talked about seperation or divorce and how it would effect our son. He is done putting in any effort untill I figure out and let him know my goal in life and see if they match up with his. Then we can see if it's worth saving. 
I'm so confused right now, I don't now how to think about 10 years out. All I know is that I want a husband who is my friend and loves me and treats me like I'm his world. I want what we used to have before our son was born. 
Is it possible to get that back?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

DO you know what you want to do?

What are his lofty goals?

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

I have always wanted the "perfect family" a loving husband, kids, pets, nice home. We talked before we got married and he knew how important kids were to me. We have one together and I really think I want one more, he says he's done having kids because we can't afford another one. I work part time and have since my son was a baby (he is almost 6 now). But I also told him before we even got married that I wanted to stay home with my kids and if I had to work I only wanted to work part time. Now he says because I don't and haven't made enough money that we can't have any more kids. This is just the newest problem. He is focusing on this right now. He feels like I want and want and want and he can't give me what I want. 
Well, there are lot of things I would like to have, but I don't really know to what degree they are important. If our "goals" don't line up than he says it's over.
I decided to marry him 7 yrs ago and move across the country to be with him. I will live where he takes me and I think that's ok, as long as I can get back what I had. 
We are nothing more than roomates.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First let me say I am sorry to hear of your situation.


Second he married you knowing what you wanted. To be a stay at home mom and have a family of four. Now he thinks you can't have that? My wife and I went from 70k a year to 24k. We lost everything and on top of that at thirty she decided she wanted to go to college (and an eight year degree at that). I changed my entire schedule around US, not HER, US. We are a team. Your husband needs to wake up. Things might be tight but if you are making it than what is wrong if some things are tight.

Additional children are never as expensive as the first. I have four. Yes they get play clothes that are handy-downs. They share toys and rooms. And we do not have cable. But guess what we have made it. We are in it for the long haul. He needs to have a wake up call in life.

Do you think the marriage is worth saving?

draconis


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## Confused76 (Sep 17, 2007)

i feel like we are in the same situation. my husband knew that i wanted a child and really wanted 2, he has 2 from a prev marrige,but after our wedding, he saidonly one and dumbly i agreed, just blinded by love. and now his issue is that since we cannto afford another child, it's not a good time. i agree, why does money ahve to be an issue w/kids. my parents had 6 of us and they weren't rich. they did it. i guess we want two different things and most likely are going to divorce.. he wants to work it out, but we hafe so many problems now.............


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Confused76 said:


> i feel like we are in the same situation. my husband knew that i wanted a child and really wanted 2, he has 2 from a prev marrige,but after our wedding, he saidonly one and dumbly i agreed, just blinded by love. and now his issue is that since we cannto afford another child, it's not a good time. i agree, why does money ahve to be an issue w/kids. my parents had 6 of us and they weren't rich. they did it. i guess we want two different things and most likely are going to divorce.. he wants to work it out, but we hafe so many problems now.............


Confused76 ~ Sorry to hear of your troubles. Much of my family other then my parents were use too eight plus children. The more children you have doesn't mean that the cost doubles per child. Food in bulk costs less, baby furniture is reused. Clothes are passed down. Yeah you might have to tighten the strings a bit but for the love of a child it is worth it.

Have you started another thread about the other problems?

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

He just isn't willing to do anything at this point. I have an apt with the councelor on tue. I don't really know how important it is for me to have another child. Is that something I can just decide? My house if fine, yeah it would be nice to have more space (both inside and yard), but do I need it? I don't think so. He makes it like it's all about my goals and his goals not our goals. Well, I want our goals not mine and his. Yeah there are things I would like to have like enough land to have a couple horses maybe, but I don't see that as a deal breaker. *What I really want is to know that we are working toward something.* It doesn't matter if that something is a vacation, or home improvement or something else. I just want to have something to look forward to. What's the next project? 
Maybe that's part of what made me happy when we were dating, I had something to look forward too. It started out with just the time we spent together, then we got a house, then it was the wedding and being excited about building a future. Then my son came! Now where are we? There is nothing to look foward to.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> He just isn't willing to do anything at this point. I have an apt with the councelor on tue. I don't really know how important it is for me to have another child. Is that something I can just decide? My house if fine, yeah it would be nice to have more space (both inside and yard), but do I need it? I don't think so. He makes it like it's all about my goals and his goals not our goals. Well, I want our goals not mine and his. Yeah there are things I would like to have like enough land to have a couple horses maybe, but I don't see that as a deal breaker. *What I really want is to know that we are working toward something.* It doesn't matter if that something is a vacation, or home improvement or something else. I just want to have something to look forward to. What's the next project?
> Maybe that's part of what made me happy when we were dating, I had something to look forward too. It started out with just the time we spent together, then we got a house, then it was the wedding and being excited about building a future. Then my son came! Now where are we? There is nothing to look foward to.


Well I think your goals are clear, even if not to you. You want to keep going forward and what the forward is isn't as important as the moving forward on something. You are bored with the mundane and want the excitement of the future is always better.

Nothing seems to be a deal breaker with you. You are flexible. that is your strength.

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

Thanks. Now, how can I make him see that?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Take the control of the communications away from him. Psychologically when someone is over you they control the attention and the communications. (Work places have used this for years)

Have him sit on the couch take his hands in your hands while you are standing leaning towards him and say your piece. He can't repel it because he can't cross his arms. He can't dominate it without standing up. This is your five minutes to fame.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Tell him...

"I don't have goals, I want us to keep moving foward. I want our relationship to have the same spark as when I fell in love with you. I want to have goals for us that we are working on."

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

Thanks for the advise. I will ponder that for a few days before I do anything I think. I have an apt and want to see how that goes.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I didn't realize that the page break broke my two posts I hope you read them both...Either way I look forward to see how things turn out. I hope you the best of luck.

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

well, I tried to tell him that is wasn't just "stuff" that I wanted. I wanted a happy marriage and family. I let him know that the way he used to treat me when we were dating is how I want to be treated.
I don't think it did me much good though.
He is currently reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" . He read a part to me and said it made him realize that he really didn't like me. He said he's trying to just give it time to see if maybe that can change. But I don't understand how? Can he ever like me again? will he ever love me again? 
I hope counseling will help me sort this out. I'm hurt, I'm angry


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> well, I tried to tell him that is wasn't just "stuff" that I wanted. I wanted a happy marriage and family. I let him know that the way he used to treat me when we were dating is how I want to be treated.
> I don't think it did me much good though.
> He is currently reading a book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" . He read a part to me and said it made him realize that he really didn't like me. He said he's trying to just give it time to see if maybe that can change. But I don't understand how? Can he ever like me again? will he ever love me again?
> I hope counseling will help me sort this out. I'm hurt, I'm angry


I would be too. There are so many junk books out there that excuss people from relationships. The next step is up to you, why are you with this guy? You deserve a man that will treat you like a lady instead of manipulating you.

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

He wants to seperate. I hate the thought of moving in that direction. He looked at a singles site today. I asked him and he said he just looked at a couple no big deal. I think it is a huge deal. He wants me gone and he wants to see what else is out there. I know we have many many issues that have gone on for years, but they are all issues that could be resolved with help. I know I have communication issues and I have done my part in all of this as well. But, I told him that and I told him that I do want to try to work on this with help. We can not do it alone.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

He wants a no work relaionship and he will be disappointed that it will never happen. My advice is to start to care for yourself. He is trying by the sounds to have something before he "leaves". He sounds like he doesn't care if you are left waiting with nothing. You deserve better from him or any future guy you might get.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> He wants to seperate. I hate the thought of moving in that direction. He looked at a singles site today. I asked him and he said he just looked at a couple no big deal. I think it is a huge deal. He wants me gone and he wants to see what else is out there. I know we have many many issues that have gone on for years, but they are all issues that could be resolved with help. I know I have communication issues and I have done my part in all of this as well. But, I told him that and I told him that I do want to try to work on this with help. We can not do it alone.


I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he's already made up his mind and he's just waiting for you to get fed up enough to leave. 

I'm also sorry I can't offer any more advice other than keep working on yourself. Draconis is right, you deserve much better than how you're being treated.


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

I told him that if he really wanted to seperate than he could leave, I was not gonna upset me and my son at this point. After that, if we didn't get back together I would leave and he could have the house back.
Just talking about this depresses me. I want us to be together. We were happy once, with healing I think we could be happy again.


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Bmtgrl
I am so sorry. It sounds like your husband is trying to find excuses to get out of your marriage. Draconis is right, you need to start taking about of yourself. I don't have much advice for you but please continue to post so that we can offer support for you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> I told him that if he really wanted to seperate than he could leave, I was not gonna upset me and my son at this point. After that, if we didn't get back together I would leave and he could have the house back.
> Just talking about this depresses me. I want us to be together. We were happy once, with healing I think we could be happy again.


Unless he bought the house before he met you a part of it is yours. The money from it might help you to start over. Don't sell yourself short because you want to take the high road.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

As women we need to look out for ourselves if no one else is going too, no matter how hard that may be.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well she also has a child that deserves more too.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Yes, children are very important. I think the point I was trying to make is we have to look out for ourselves so we can be everything our children need and deserve


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> I told him that if he really wanted to seperate than he could leave, I was not gonna upset me and my son at this point. After that, if we didn't get back together I would leave and he could have the house back.
> Just talking about this depresses me. I want us to be together. We were happy once, with healing I think we could be happy again.


Unfortunately for some people they don't want to leave. They want YOU to leave. They just don't have it in them to end something and want you to make the decision for them. Maybe they're lazy or want to look like a victim...but whatever it is some people try to make a relationship impossible so you finally get fed up.

How do these conversations usually go when you talk about separation or divorce? He's obviously looking for other people. Would he see a separation as a green light to start dating?


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

I don't think he's looking. He said if we divorce he doesn't think he would ever look to get married again.
At this point there is just a lot of hurt feeling between both of us.
I don't plan on going anywhere and I hope he doesn't go either. I am, at this point, going to focus on working on myself and doing things to make me happy. I will let him know I would like to table any talk of seperation and divorce for at least 6 months. I know we need to just heal the past and learn how to communicate together again and it takes time.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> I don't think he's looking. He said if we divorce he doesn't think he would ever look to get married again.
> At this point there is just a lot of hurt feeling between both of us.
> I don't plan on going anywhere and I hope he doesn't go either. I am, at this point, going to focus on working on myself and doing things to make me happy. I will let him know I would like to table any talk of seperation and divorce for at least 6 months. I know we need to just heal the past and learn how to communicate together again and it takes time.


I wish you the best and hope you keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> I don't think he's looking. He said if we divorce he doesn't think he would ever look to get married again.
> At this point there is just a lot of hurt feeling between both of us.
> I don't plan on going anywhere and I hope he doesn't go either. I am, at this point, going to focus on working on myself and doing things to make me happy. I will let him know I would like to table any talk of seperation and divorce for at least 6 months. I know we need to just heal the past and learn how to communicate together again and it takes time.


I apologize. I think I got you confused with another poster whose husband was looking on dating sites.

I hope he will be receptive to bringing back your former relationship. Sometimes when things feel hopeless that's the best time to really make a change for the better. In six months this all may be just a bad memory--but a good testimonial for other couples.


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

Life is not getting any easier. I have been trying all sorts of things. He knows I want to work things out, but he's is not budging. I think he is still "gathering" information, and looking into seperation but I'm not for sure. Heck maybe he's checking into divorce. I don't know.
It's hard to find things to do to get my mind off the problems. Having to take care of our son, I can't just go and do like I did when I was single. He on the other hand has always been able to go and do.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

bmtgrl said:


> Life is not getting any easier. I have been trying all sorts of things. He knows I want to work things out, but he's is not budging. I think he is still "gathering" information, and looking into seperation but I'm not for sure. Heck maybe he's checking into divorce. I don't know.
> It's hard to find things to do to get my mind off the problems. Having to take care of our son, I can't just go and do like I did when I was single. He on the other hand has always been able to go and do.


Communicate with him that if he wants a chance to keep his marriage it is going to take two, period. Write him a note or e-mail it if you have to.

If he continues to behave the way that he is I would look at him and ask for the check book when he asks why say you are going to write a check for a councilor or a lawyer and the choice is his on which one.

draconis


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

Bmtgrl,

I know exactly how you feel. I guess there are more women out there that have gone through or are going through what we are. It's too bad that some men don't know what they want even though they say they do. 

I have only been married 2 years but with him for 4 and since my daughter was born 2 years ago everything went from bad to worse. 

I hope we find the answers we need. At least your husband will talk to you a little. Mine doesn't and doesn't treat me as an equal but like I am below him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

alwaysalone ~ What does your husband do to make you below him?

draconis


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## bmtgrl (Nov 2, 2007)

alwaysalone said:


> Bmtgrl,
> 
> I know exactly how you feel. I guess there are more women out there that have gone through or are going through what we are. It's too bad that some men don't know what they want even though they say they do.
> .


I know I'm not the only one facing these issues, but as you know it can feel like it. If you want to send a private message we can maybe be support for each other.


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## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

You sound a bit like myself, I am always trying to fix things in the relationship. It seems like all I do is try to sort things out, I am always the one to start us talking, I am always the one to look for counseling, I am always the one to make the first move. I like to think I married a strong man, not to be the 'mammy' of the relationship. In one of your posts you ask 'how can I fix this' or something. This says it all really. It doesn't sound like he wants to do anything to sort this out. I totally empathise.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sometimes people (men more then women) don't know what to do or are afraid to admit there is something wrong.

draconis


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