# Advice sought about marriage that seems to be going nowhere



## RYPB (Nov 2, 2011)

I have been married for 14 years or so and have two daughters, aged 12 and 14 with my wife. I am at the stage where I really feel that the marriage is not working at all, and I would really appreciate some input/advice. I have never posted on a forum like this (or any other) before.

My wife has become increasingly negative with age and is clearly unhappy with her life. She does not really have any close friends – and has fallen out with most of her family. She is also very lazy. She is a housewife (her choice). She does not like “domestic duties” but is a good mother to our daughters. The house is always a mess which I don’t like but can tolerate. I do my best to keep it tidy but it is pretty hopeless if you are the only one trying (and are working 12 hours a day). I am certainly not a tidiness freak – but tables covered with junk for weeks and overflowing laundry baskets do get to me every now and again. The children also struggle to find clean school uniforms etc.

I have for years tolerated her negativity and laziness with what I think is good humour because I cannot see any point in letting it get me down. I love being with my children – and we have all have some good times together. However, I think that the years of tolerating her negativity and laziness have finally got to me.

We have discussed this, and I said that we should consider splitting up as neither of us appeared to be happy, and did see a counsellor in the summer – which is a big thing for her as she does not like to share her problems. The counsellor said he thought that my wife was depressed. He suggested that she should find an occupation out of the house. After seeing the counsellor, my wife did seem to change briefly. We did a few enjoyable activities together. But within a few days she became ill with a medical problem. She was hospitalised for a week and has still not fully recovered. 

The hospital say there is nothing on any of the many tests/scans they have preformed which show why my wife is ill. I think that her symptoms are caused by stress. I don’t doubt that she feels unwell. I do however feel that her illness is a way of stopping us address our marriage problems. 

I have (like the counsellor) suggested many times that my wife gets a job or does voluntary work so that she will meet new people. She is now using the illness as a reason to not to do this. The symptoms to do seem to me to be so severe that she can’t work part time.

I feel trapped. I do want to give my marriage a chance but feel that this mystery illness is stopping my wife taking any steps herself to change things. She is very keen on me “making an effort” to support her and show affection – but I am now struggling with this as I feel manipulated. 

I don’t feel that I love my wife at the moment (and really probably have not done so for years), and I am sure that she knows this. 

I am faced with someone who is very unhappy with her life but will not change it.

I am starting to feel that I am wasting my life in this relationship. I do not want to split up our home and upset our children. My parents separated acrimoniously when I was 10 and I would not wish that on anyone. However, I think that my children are at the age when they know things are not right. I don’t want them to grow up thinking that relationships should be like our marriage.

I am fairly sure that I would be happier single. I would love to have the children live with me – but I am not going to spend years to fight for that, as it is probably hopeless anyway. I don’t think that my wife would be happier single (at least initially). She defines herself at the moment as being the wife of a (fairly) rich man, with a big house and “perfect” children. The crazy thing is that, if my wife is finally forced to break out of this mindset and find her own life by us separating, she will probably again be a person that I want to be with.

I am sure most advice will be give it more time – but how much? The situation has been going on really for the last 10 years. I don’t want to be a nag. I do ask my wife what she is doing about finding a job/occupation and try to make suggestions for things that she could do – but if I do it too often it feels like I am nagging.

An option would be to lead more separate lives (which might at least make things more bearable for me) but my wife is very resistant to me doing anything new. She seems to think that I ought to be having an affair – which I find strange.

I just feel trapped. I have tried to be a good husband. It has not worked. Do I put up with the status quo and hope things will change – or at least wait until my children are 18 – or do I separate now – when we are still on reasonable terms, and there is a chance it can be amicable, allowing us each to find lives that make us happy.

Thanks for your advice.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sit down with her and tell her your final demands. Have her do the same so that it's not one sided. 10 years is a long time to wait for change that isn't happening over that time. If you find that both of you are unable to meet those demands, it's probably time to separate or divorce. Get the counselor involved in the process so that you have a third party view of things. Some counselors will recommend separation of even divorce if it's needed.

Normally I would say that both of you attend a gym to get her up and moving for mental and physical health reasons. But I think you might be past that point.

If she's not on any medication, perhaps she needs to be on some. The depression is feeding the lazy and messy habits which are in turn feeding her depression as she sees that she is lazy and messy. It's a circle that needs to be broken. This is regardless of where your marriage goes.


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## RYPB (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

We did try the gym after we saw the counsellor (it was his suggestion too). But now she is too unwell to go to the gym. She resents me going as she thinks I must be doing it to look better so I can have an affair.

The counsellor also suggested medication - but we both thought that was a bit extreme. Maybe you are right. It might help her break out of the circle she is in.

I will try to talk to her again. But there always seems to be a reason why she needs more time or why it is my fault. Yesterday she told me the house was too big for her to cope with (it's a 4 bedroom house, not a mansion). So I guess we need to move house to make her happy. That should put things off for 12 months or so...


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