# Now what? I'm so empty and alone.



## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

It's been over a week since husband announced he wanted a divorce. He left town for several days but when he came back, we discussed in person all the reasons why he wasn't in love with me anymore and why he resents me so much. He told me he wasn't attracted me anymore. Yet, one hour later, when I stopped crying and started talking to him like a normal human being, he was trying to sleep with me! What?! 

This led him to suggest that maybe a separation would make more sense than a divorce so that we could have time to sort out our feelings and make a responsible decision. I had already packed up his belongings in garbage bags and I wasn't begging him to stay. I was already accepting the divorce, so this came as a shock.

This is the second time he has tried to leave me (the first time it happened before we were even engaged and I was a MESS... I begged, cried, you name any pathetic behavior and I did it.) Obviously we got back together after that, we got engaged and married, but the same thing is happening all over again. Apparently we never solved our problems from the first time. And I REFUSE to beg a second time. 

Here's a quick summary of our issues. He resents me because he has always been the breadwinner and feels that I'm ungrateful for his financial support. He thinks I don't cook or clean or do enough to contribute. I've never made much money, and about 1.5 years ago we moved to a different city so that I could attend a really, really intense graduate program. I've always had dreams to have a career, but he was already settled in his career and wanting to have kids. He resents that we've had to wait to start a family and that we're doing things on MY schedule. He resents that not only have I never made much money, but now, I've created loads of debt in school loans, and he's spent all his savings on our beautiful wedding and living expenses. He just thinks I'm so ungrateful. Apparently, I just don't express gratitude in a way he understands it because I am actually very grateful for him. I love him.

On top of all this, when we moved to a different city so that I could start school, he totally isolated himself. He made no friends. He became incredibly depressed. He just shut himself off emotionally from me and the world. He resents me for making him give up his old life. He also thinks I don't give enough affection, but neither does he! We have just stopped trying. We have just been existing together for over a year now. There is no other woman, because he is constantly at home in front of the TV, he barely leaves the house except to go to work.

We're doing a trial separation and now I have to get a roommate and he wants to find a place to live. He is looking to move in with new people, ideally guys his age that he can become friends with. He really wants to make friends. I'm going to therapy alone, he is supposed to also (not sure if he's made moves to do this yet), and eventually we may try couples therapy if he decides that the marriage is worth saving. We're barely talking. Just random texts about logistics of the separation.

I feel like a terrible person, but he knew my career aspirations before marrying me. He promised he was OK with the move, and said he could be happy anywhere as long as it was with me. Is there any hope for us?????????


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

There is HOPE for you. You can have a full life ahead of you IF you change your thinking and reprogram your brain. If your husband wants a new life, let him have one! Wish him well and let him go. Now, I know what you are thinking! WHAT about BLAA! and the other BLAA, and all the time and money we spent on BLAA! All off those thing do not matter anymore because YOU HAVE A NEW PATH TO FOLLOW! You are going to be reborn, like it or not! Your past is past now. You can fight, scream, think of doing bad things to yourself, drink, break things or a host of other things that I did when it happed to me in Iraq or you can learn from the fine members of TAM and be at peace with yourself and make a plan for the next 90 days, then one year, the five years. Each day is a gift and I am sure that you will have a bright future IF, you let go of the pain and love yourself and help yourself. Good luck and keep us updated. Bye David


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh, another thing! Do not say "Beer" or "I broke a window" here on TAM! They seem to go crazy when you do! I am soo going to rot in anned TAM Hell now!


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I don't want a new life without him!!! I want to know if there is hope of reconciliation.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I'm also wondering, should we be in marriage therapy together right now, or should I just let him go and be on his own for a while, and see if he comes back to me? I think I know the answer but it's so hard to just let him go....


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I asked him if he wants to come home and work out our problems together as a team. I guess I became weak once he texted me and asked me how I was doing. Well, he said no, he needs more time to figure out if he wants this marriage or not. How can he not know if he wants this???? Does it just mean he wants out but is having a hard time fully letting go? Do I just file for divorce? Because I can't handle this anymore, I'm having a serious mental breakdown. Either you want to work it out or you don't. Right?!


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Sounds like you are in limbo.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

parker said:


> Sounds like you are in limbo.


I am. Part of me wants to just dump the a$$hole who would make me wait around to find out if I am "worth" it. How would I ever trust him again? I'm angry but I also want him to come to his senses and realizes he loves me. But I don't understand how he could really love me if he is questioning our relationship this much. Can anyone relate? I'm ready to rip my hair out! Crying, then angry then sad repeat repeat repeat


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, yeah, Amy, many, many of us can relate. You are right. He had the chance to say no before you guys got married. It was up to him to get off the sofa and away from the TV to try to make friends. Why does he have to move in with a bunch of guys in order to make friends? He doesn't.

He is doing what is known as blameshifting -- blaming you for all of his unhappiness. Until he can take responsibility for his own part in this, nothing you can say or do will make him come to his senses. I went through a similar limbo situation. I was in IC from the time he said he wanted to separate. He said he would, too, but waited months. He based going to MC on both of us being in IC for a couple of months first. He kept moving the dates for that further and further out. I know now that he was not really ever questioning. When he gave me the speech, he'd already made up his mind. But with a lot of walkaway spouses, deep down they know that what they're doing is crappy, so they drag it out to make themselves look and feel just a little better about it. I've read it over and over and over on TAM.

There is always hope as long as you're both alive. Some couples have even reconciled after divorce. But don't pin your future on that. Pin your future on you, and the fact that he is an adult. Let him go out into the big wide world, and maybe he'll get to the point that he can admit that you were not the cause of is unhappiness. Maybe he'll never grow up. 

If you don't mind my asking, what was the reason he wanted to leave while you were engaged? 

In this situation, it is a kind of blessing that you did postpone having kids.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Satya said:


> Why did he leave you the first time before you married? Did he have an inkling then that your individual goals and needs were perhaps disparate?


Yes. That's why he's really taking the time to think it through because he fears it will become a cycle. But the thing is, we never resolved our differences the first time. He would have to decide to love me and then we would have to decide to resolve our differences once and for all. He's afraid it'll keep coming back and haunting him. What he doesn't get is that we CAN work through our differences but he has to want to try!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You can maximize the chances of recovery if you take care of you. Or you can minimize the chance of any real recovery if you fall into the emotional traps that this stuff causes like being insecure and accepting treatment that will make you angry later.

In the end, we can't change other people but we can show them that we are worth loving and worth being with. Not by clinging onto them but by having personal boundaries. Personal boundaries like "I won't be strung along" for example.

Good luck


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> I'm also wondering, should we be in marriage therapy together right now, or should I just let him go and be on his own for a while, and see if he comes back to me? I think I know the answer but it's so hard to just let him go....


There's no harm in asking him to join you in marriage councilling. You only have control of your own actions though so if he agrees then don't badger him into submission in sessions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amymarie717 said:


> I don't want a new life without him!!! I want to know if there is hope of reconciliation.


The only hope you have to get him back is if you are willing to lose him. Let him go. Work on yourself. Let him figure out his own problems.

Then if he comes back, you will be a stronger, better person and more attractive to him.

Right now you need to be interacting towards him according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below. the 180 says it's for relationships with affairs... ignore that. It works for situations like yours as well.

If you keep begging him, having emotional talks with him, etc. it's only more of the same. And you will get the same results you have right now.. him not wanting to be with you.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> If you don't mind my asking, what was the reason he wanted to leave while you were engaged?


Angelpixie, thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone and that I can survive this. You did. 

His reasons were that I wanted to go to school and was working hard/taking classes required to apply, and I was just a big annoying stress ball. He didn't think we had similar life goals. He was settled in his career, but I wanted more. It was just a really stressful time for me and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Plus the issue that he still at that time made all the money and felt I wasn't contributing to the household enough. I would get angry at him for holding money over my head and we'd fight about that. But he married me anyway. I thought he accepted me for who I was, but the same issues are back now, and it's so much worse because we're in a different city and he's miserable with himself now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amymarie717 said:


> Yes. That's why he's really taking the time to think it through because he fears it will become a cycle. But the thing is, we never resolved our differences the first time. He would have to decide to love me and then we would have to decide to resolve our differences once and for all. He's afraid it'll keep coming back and haunting him. What he doesn't get is that we CAN work through our differences but he has to want to try!


I'm confused. HOw long have the two of you been married?

How long have you been in this new city?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amymarie717 said:


> Angelpixie, thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I'm not alone and that I can survive this. You did.
> 
> His reasons were that I wanted to go to school and was working hard/taking classes required to apply, and I was just a big annoying stress ball. He didn't think we had similar life goals. He *was settled in his career, but I wanted more.* It was just a really stressful time for me and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Plus the issue that he still at that time made all the money and felt I wasn't contributing to the household enough. I would get angry at him for holding money over my head and we'd fight about that. But he married me anyway. I thought he accepted me for who I was, but the same issues are back now, and it's so much worse because we're in a different city and he's miserable with himself now.


What does that mean? He was settled in his career but you wanted more? What more did you want?


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Ele Girl-

married for 2.5 years but together for a total of 6.5 years. Have lived in the new city for about 1.5 years or so.

WHen I said I wanted more, I meant that I wanted to have a career BEFORE kids. I didn't want to just get married and have kids right away.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The only hope you have to get him back is if you are willing to lose him. Let him go. Work on yourself. Let him figure out his own problems.
> 
> Then if he comes back, you will be a stronger, better person and more attractive to him.
> 
> ...


Yep -- I can attest to this from personal experience. I wish I'd found TAM about a year before I did. I honestly don't think it would have helped us to stay together if I'd done the 180 from the beginning, but it would have definitely helped me to see what was really going on. 

When you love someone and you feel committed to them, it seems only natural to want to talk to them, convince them, 'help' them make the 'right' decision. The 180 is counterintuitive. But EleGirl is absolutely right. Whether it results in a reconciliation or not, YOU will be better off for having done it. You've got to take care of yourself first -- and that's true even if you're married. (also something that seemed counterintuitive to me) 

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I wonder if he knew about your career aspirations, but didn't really believe that you'd follow through. At some point, perhaps he thought you'd settle into a role of having kids, continuing to earn less than he was, letting him be breadwinner, etc. Otherwise, why would he be acquiescing to move to a different city, etc., and then be so resentful and unhappy? Just pondering that one.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And your wound is still relatively fresh - no wonder you are feeling the way you do!

May I ask how old your husband is? It sounds like he is going through some sort of midlife crisis, blaming you for all of his unhappiness now, when he knew about your career aspirations all along.

Marriage counseling would definitely help, but only if he wants to go and is willing to give it 100%. If he goes just to placate you, it won't work.

I would suggest you stop begging, stop pleading, stop crying in front of him. Stop telling him how much you love him, stop trying to convince him that you can work through these problems. He just sees this as you disagreeing with him, and it's not helping your case. 

Try your best to get to a place of indifference. You can even agree with him - "Yes honey, I agree you need some time and space to figure out what you need." Let him go. I bet you will see a big change in his behavior.

You don't have to be mean, just be indifferent. Look up the 180. When he senses that you no longer care, he might just stop pulling away. He might realize what he's giving up. Right now he sees you as this big emotional frantic stress-case who is desperately trying to convince him that his feelings are wrong. When he sees you as calm, rational, and indifferent, it will confuse him and perhaps pique his curiosity and interest. 

The best advice here is to focus on YOU. I know it's scary; you don't want to let him go because what if he is gone forever?? But he already has one foot out the door. Don't push him out completely by pleading with him and having all these emotional talks. He has to _want_ to come back in the door on his own. That's the only way it will work.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Yep -- I can attest to this from personal experience. I wish I'd found TAM about a year before I did.


I'm quite thrilled I didn't find TAM years in my first marriage. It would have done 180, she would have responded, and .... I would have been with someone completely incompatible for much longer than I was.

Are you sure you want someone who is that insecure about your future bread winning being more than his? Or someone who wants you to give up your reasonable aspirations of getting a degree so he can have kids right now.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Maybe I'm wrong here, but I wonder if he knew about your career aspirations, but didn't really believe that you'd follow through. At some point, perhaps he thought you'd settle into a role of having kids, continuing to earn less than he was, letting him be breadwinner, etc. Otherwise, why would he be acquiescing to move to a different city, etc., and then be so resentful and unhappy? Just pondering that one.


He knew. He said he honestly believed that he'd be ok with it, but when it actually happened, things just fell apart. He didn't make a single friend here, and I was neglectful because of my busy schedule. It's no wonder we ended up here in this mess. The funny part is, I'm gonna graduate and start working in like 6 months!

At this point I think he's convinced we're simply incompatible. He also feels no passion for me and says he "longs for something more." That makes sense because he NEVER tried to do anything nice/cute for me, no surprises, nothing EVER. Maybe he thought making money was enough. I feel like a failure. But I also know he barely tried and pretty much gave up a while ago. SO sad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amymarie717 said:


> Ele Girl-
> 
> married for 2.5 years but together for a total of 6.5 years. Have lived in the new city for about 1.5 years or so.
> 
> WHen I said I wanted more, I meant that I wanted to have a career BEFORE kids. I didn't want to just get married and have kids right away.


How old are you?

At what age do you want to start having children?


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I'm quite thrilled I didn't find TAM years in my first marriage. It would have done 180, she would have responded, and .... I would have been with someone completely incompatible for much longer than I was.
> 
> Are you sure you want someone who is that insecure about your future bread winning being more than his? Or someone who wants you to give up your reasonable aspirations of getting a degree so he can have kids right now.


I don't think he's insecure about me making money, I think he's RESENTFUL that he's had to put up with my long arduous path for the duration of our marriage and for years before we married. His resentment just grew. He could have been spending those years with a woman who was settled in her career and had his kids when he wanted them. Maybe he feels like he wasted years with me and had to give up everything for me.

But you're right. Maybe I don't want to be with someone who had to take weeks to figure out if I'm worth it. Even if he did come back, how would I be able to get over that? It would sting forever. I'm so lost.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you?
> 
> At what age do you want to start having children?


30. I want to start trying in a year- definitely after I graduate and start working. Here's a secret: We actually STARTED trying a month ago because I started to feel so guilty that he's been waiting for me. I thought to myself, 'my degree won't be at my funeral, but my family will. The time will never be right, so why not now.' Turns out I did not get pregnant. I was really hoping I would be pregnant because I thought it would bring us closer as I saw things taking a downward spiral. Trust me, I know how STUPID that sounds.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're better off without the guy who values his life plan more than his life partner.

You're more than just a baby incubator and someone else will cherish you better than this guy. You deserve better!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Amymarie717 said:


> 30. I want to start trying in a year- definitely after I graduate and start working. Here's a secret: We actually STARTED trying a month ago because I started to feel so guilty that he's been waiting for me. I thought to myself, 'my degree won't be at my funeral, but my family will. The time will never be right, so why not now.' Turns out I did not get pregnant. I was really hoping I would be pregnant because I thought it would bring us closer as I saw things taking a downward spiral. Trust me, I know how STUPID that sounds.


Well that all sounds reasonable.. not like you were wanting to wait 10 years or something like that.

Well I then go back to the advice about the 180. IT's really the only reasonable thing you can do right now.

Get on with your life. Become an ever better you. And maybe he will wake up when he sees you living your own life. It can definately make you a much more interesting person. And he might just wake up and notice.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well that all sounds reasonable.. not like you were wanting to wait 10 years or something like that.
> 
> Well I then go back to the advice about the 180. IT's really the only reasonable thing you can do right now.
> 
> Get on with your life. Become an ever better you. And maybe he will wake up when he sees you living your own life. It can definately make you a much more interesting person. And he might just wake up and notice.


I know I need to do the 180. I HAD been doing it for like a week. and then today he started texting me asking me how i'm doing, then called me, and then once he got me on the phone, I lost all the ground I gained and started crying like "how do you THINK I'm doing?! You left! I'm a mess! Feel better?" So then I asked him if he wants to come home, he said no, he needs more time to think, so I told him to not contact me (unless it's an emergency) until he figures out what he wants.

Im so thankful this forum exists.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> I don't think he's insecure about me making money, *I think he's RESENTFUL that he's had to put up with my long arduous path for the duration of our marriage and for years before we married.* His resentment just grew. He could have been spending those years with a woman who was settled in her career and had his kids when he wanted them. Maybe he feels like he wasted years with me and had to give up everything for me.
> 
> But you're right. Maybe I don't want to be with someone who had to take weeks to figure out if I'm worth it. Even if he did come back, how would I be able to get over that? It would sting forever. I'm so lost.


Maybe he's resentful but why? My thought was; he thinks you'll outgrow him and look to replace him with a better model. Maybe he's just not happy though and is now resentful for waisting time with no monetary benefit. There doesn't seem to be much motive for him to be bitter and mad now unless it's something like that. Some honesty between the two of you would help so there aren're many unknowns like this. Lack of communication is a marrriage killer.

People change on occasion. Maybe you decide you need someone who wants you and has your future in mind and then he becomes that.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Maybe he's resentful but why? My thought was; he thinks you'll outgrow him and look to replace him with a better model. *Maybe he's just not happy though and is now resentful for waisting time with no monetary benefit. * There doesn't seem to be much motive for him to be bitter and mad now unless it's something like that. Some honesty between the two of you would help so there aren're many unknowns like this. Lack of communication is a marrriage killer.
> 
> People change on occasion. Maybe you decide you need someone who wants you and has your future in mind and then he becomes that.


Yup. What you said (in bold) is what I think.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So then, the whole 'richer/poorer,' 'better/worse,' etc., wasn't really for him, eh? He just didn't have the emotional strength and maturity to act on what he really believed before you got married. He just kind of hoped it would work out. Cowardly way to go and unfair to you, who believed him.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> So then, the whole 'richer/poorer,' 'better/worse,' etc., wasn't really for him, eh? He just didn't have the emotional strength and maturity to act on what he really believed before you got married. He just kind of hoped it would work out. Cowardly way to go and unfair to you, who believed him.


Isn't this post just a little simplistic?

Few people ever understand "for better for worse". Everyone here (Yes, including you angel) would accept divorce on the basis of cheating or any form of abuse, but surely that also comes under "for better for worse"? Till death do us part means yeah - you stay with him/her even if you know they're going to murder you. We love and support the OP, but let's not cherry pick..


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I was emotionally abused and cheated on, caladan. I am divorcing because I was given no choice. My intention up to the end was to do whatever it took to work on it and grow old together with my husband. I still think that there's no _logical_ reason that couldn't have happened. But I can't be married by myself.

As to 'til death do us part' including physical harm or murder, now you're being hyperbolic. Many, many people here are going through divorces that could have been avoided, if both partners had truly had a strong commitment. That's what I'm talking about. He knew ahead of time what she wanted in her life. If he didn't think that was what he truly could live with (including what goes with that -- one wage earner, possibility of having to move, etc.) then he owed it to her and to himself to be honest before making the vows. To not be honest with her, and lead her along was cowardly. I stand by what I said earlier.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie - The things you said HE SHOULD HAVE SAID BEFORE VOWS are all things he told me that he SHOULD HAVE SAID. He would agree with you. As do I.

And to caladan - I remember him saying a long time ago in conversation that he didn't think divorce was a terrible thing if it made people happier. That should have been a red flag to me that this man considered marriage disposable. He was probably already having doubts and justified marrying me because, hey, there was always divorce. I am really learning from all this that I need to listen to MY heart and what my gut tells me. I'm actually a very intelligent person and am disappointed in myself for acting so stupid when it comes to love.

Truth be told, I think he's depressed and has social anxiety issues, hence the not branching out and making friends in the new city, the not wanting to try anything new, etc. I think he also is insecure that he'll never be able to make me happy. I always have wanted more emotionally from him, and he just continued to withdraw and disengage. 

Last night for the first time, I set aside my intense feelings of rejection and betrayal and kind of saw that maybe I'm not very happy with him either, and that maybe I never will feel truly happy being with a man who always drags his feet whenever we do something fun or new. This whole process so is complicated.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Amy -- you are right. Those are red flags. It's really good that you are taking that time now to listen to your feelings. It will help the detachment process go faster. I am in the last stages of divorcing someone with major depression and possibly a personality disorder. It can have a major negative affect on a marriage, and even lead to situational depression in the other spouse. 

You may find, and it's kind of sad to say this if you truly believe in marriage, that your life will actually be better without _this_ man. 

And yes, do develop that instinct again. Learn to listen to your gut feelings. I looked back at my life and found so many times I had 'that feeling' but ignored it.

You are young, and this has been a very painful experience, but if you also use it as a learning experience, you will have better tools for the next time around.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Amy -- you are right. Those are red flags. It's really good that you are taking that time now to listen to your feelings. It will help the detachment process go faster. I am in the last stages of divorcing someone with major depression and possibly a personality disorder. It can have a major negative affect on a marriage, and even lead to situational depression in the other spouse.
> 
> You may find, and it's kind of sad to say this if you truly believe in marriage, that your life will actually be better without _this_ man.
> 
> ...


I have depression and mental health issues too. But I met my husband after I'd been on medication for YEARS, and he has never known me while off my medication. Ever since being on meds, I've been completely stable, and nobody would EVER guess I had major issues. But because of what I went through, I recognize some mental health issues in him and just want to tell him all that I'm thinking. But he can't hear it from me right now I don't think. He'll think I'm wrong and that that I'm just trying to tell him his feelings aren't valid because he has mental issues. He wants to believe I caused his sadness because then getting rid of me would mean no more sadness. But I don't think he'll be happier without me.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

No, he won't. I've been treated for depression, as well. It is like any other illness, in that it's not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. But it's also like any other illness in that the patient has to seek treatment, in all but the most severe cases (when someone needs to be committed). He has to reach his personal bottom. It's easier for him to blame you than to do the work required to get into counseling, or go to a doctor for a medication. The best thing you can do is let him find out that you are not the cause of his depression. It may not get him to admit anything to you, but hopefully, you will have moved on by then.

Take care of yourself, sweetie. (BTW, after increasing my meds while living with him, and for a while after moving out, I've been able to stop taking all but 3 meds - thyroid, one a/d and one to help with concentration issues. I used to be sick all the time, and now I rarely am -- so while stressful and hard and painful, there have been some benefits for me as well. Hopefully, for you, too.)


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> No, he won't. I've been treated for depression, as well. It is like any other illness, in that it's not a character flaw or a sign of weakness. But it's also like any other illness in that the patient has to seek treatment, in all but the most severe cases (when someone needs to be committed). He has to reach his personal bottom. It's easier for him to blame you than to do the work required to get into counseling, or go to a doctor for a medication. The best thing you can do is let him find out that you are not the cause of his depression. It may not get him to admit anything to you, but hopefully, you will have moved on by then.
> 
> Take care of yourself, sweetie. (BTW, after increasing my meds while living with him, and for a while after moving out, I've been able to stop taking all but 3 meds - thyroid, one a/d and one to help with concentration issues. I used to be sick all the time, and now I rarely am -- so while stressful and hard and painful, there have been some benefits for me as well. Hopefully, for you, too.)


I'm on a thyroid, a/d, and concentration med also. What a coincidence.....

Husband has texted me to say he loves me, misses me, and wants to come home. I basically told him that I don't believe him and that I can't really address that right now, but would like for him to meet my therapist and do an individual session because she wants to talk to him. I guess actions will speak louder than words and we'll see if he follows through. I just don't trust his words anymore. What changed in 2 days? I feel like he is just lonely and will leave me again whenever he wants.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You're right. Nothing has changed, none of his issues have been solved. So, the ending won't be any different. If he does go into counseling, it should be with his own counselor -- not the one you're seeing. 

You're doing the right thing by looking at his actions, and not just listening to his words.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> You're right. Nothing has changed, none of his issues have been solved. So, the ending won't be any different. If he does go into counseling, it should be with his own counselor -- not the one you're seeing.
> 
> You're doing the right thing by looking at his actions, and not just listening to his words.


Why shouldn't he go individually to my therapist? It's just for 1 session so that she can understand his perspective. I agree he should still find his own for long term.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry I wasn't clear -- that's what I meant -- for the long term.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

It's so hard to not just let him come home and forgive. All I wanted to hear was that he loved and missed me and now that I've heard it I don't trust it or believe him. It's so sad.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I followed up with husband today to ask whether he still meant what he texted me several days ago (he loves me, he misses me, he wants to come home and talk), or, whether he said it in a moment of weakness. Sure enough, it was the latter. I knew it. 

He also never made the appointment with the therapist because he was "busy at work" and had deadlines. I yelled at him, like, how could you not take 5 minutes to make this one gesture when our entire marriage is on the line??? I don't think he understands that he is at risk to lose me forever. Or maybe he just doesn't care. I feel like not making the appointment was the last straw and that I should just file. He's giving me no indication that he he is deeply concerned about losing me. So then why drag this out.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

This evening, he told me that about 10 months into our relationship, he knew something was "off" and he thinks he stopped being in love with me around then. So basically, the past 6 years he hasn't had his heart in it. He said he married me because he thought it was the right thing to do, and because he knew I was a good person and wanted to try and make me happy even though he wasn't in love with me and didn't have passion or a spark. He said he's felt dead inside for a long time because of it.

what the f*** am I supposed to do with that information other than blowing my head off? Can you think of anything more devastating to hear from the man you love?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Amymarie717 said:


> This evening, he told me that about 10 months into our relationship, he knew something was "off" and he thinks he stopped being in love with me around then. So basically, the past 6 years he hasn't had his heart in it. He said he married me because he thought it was the right thing to do, and because he knew I was a good person and wanted to try and make me happy even though he wasn't in love with me and didn't have passion or a spark. He said he's felt dead inside for a long time because of it.
> 
> what the f*** am I supposed to do with that information other than blowing my head off? Can you think of anything more devastating to hear from the man you love?


Listen..your stbxh sounds like a loose cannon...a hamburger short of a happy meal. Sorry...but I honestly think he's saying things like that to justify his actions. To make himself feel better. That mixed with some...sadisim. There's guys out there that say thee cruelest of things to hurt us...again to justify their cause...what you do with it is ...nothing other than a full fk you azzwhole 180 in his face....stop talking to him. Have you not heard enough? 

Those words cannot be taken back...stop listening to him. He's a self centered moron. I'm sorry...I'm just not believing it. 

He's got a sharp tongue. Just stop talking to him!


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

> This evening, he told me that about 10 months into our relationship, he knew something was "off" and he thinks he stopped being in love with me around then.


I would take this worth a grain of salt.....every single one says the same thing in some variation of.....my husband has said the same to me as well....but yet during that time he clearly did things for me that make me know differently......

There is a saying floating around to only believe less than half of what is said....I think that is one of the things I have learned that has helped me most on this board....

IT IS NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

I just keep going with the back and forth and I know it's horrible but I can't stop!!!!! He says to stop trying to make him feel guilty and to move on and not wallow in my own self pity. I'm clearly not good at or capable of the 180. I've never felt such deep pain and rejection. It's the lowest I've ever felt in my life


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Amy --My STBXH has done the exact same history changing. It's really par for the course. The one who wants to leave looks for ways to deal with the guilt they sometimes feel. Until they come to believe the things they say, and they no longer feel guilt.

Like workingatit said, if you can look back at times where you truly felt you shared joy or affection, they were probably true. Don't let him steal those. But realize this is a mindfvck --- it's meant to throw you off-guard and help you take on the blame they're trying to shift on to you. 

But the flip side to that is not to let those memories of good times rekindle those feelings of wanting to work things out. It really helps to think of it as two separate guys. The one you loved, and the one you're dealing with now. People do change, and sometimes into people we don't recognize. 

Please don't go to him with your feelings anymore. It's only serving to give him ammunition to be even meaner and say worse things to you. You don't need that. 

It is as painful as really having someone die, and in effect, that's what has happened. You can't go back and talk to a dead relative or friend, either. All you can do is grieve and continue your life without them. Distance yourself physically from him as much as you can. Spend as little time with him as possible. Even if you have to give yourself a little mantra to remind yourself that this guy is not the guy you loved and married. 

I'm sorry for your pain, Amy. I've certainly been there, too. My STBXH said some things that tore me totally down to nothing. Made me feel like I'd been lied to used for years. It's a horrible feeling, I know.


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## Amymarie717 (Jan 12, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Amy --My STBXH has done the exact same history changing. It's really par for the course. The one who wants to leave looks for ways to deal with the guilt they sometimes feel. Until they come to believe the things they say, and they no longer feel guilt.
> 
> Like workingatit said, if you can look back at times where you truly felt you shared joy or affection, they were probably true. Don't let him steal those. But realize this is a mindfvck --- it's meant to throw you off-guard and help you take on the blame they're trying to shift on to you.
> 
> ...


You are so right. I know I shouldn't seek comfort from him, there is nothing he can do for me, he is the cause of all this. It's just hard to let go. He is getting so angry because he hates feeling guilty and he think I'm guilting him. I told him that all I'm doing is expressing my emotions and if he feels guilty, then that is his own reaction to the situation. 

Yeah there is no way that a person would willingly propose, marry, and move for someone who they weren't in love with all along. That just doesn't make sense.He MUST be trying to justify his actions to himself somehow. Still hurts though.

I feel like I have to tread lightly in all this still, because he is holding money over my head, just like he always has. I am financially dependent on him, and he is taking advantage of that by threatening to offer me less unless I allow him to move his things when and how he wants to. He does not want to rent a moving truck or make multiple trips between my place and his new place in order to get it done in 1 night, whereas I want him to get it done in 1 night even if that takes hours. It's cruel. 

I seriously feel so helpless, powerless, worthless... the list goes on. This is going to be a long road ahead.


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

> He says to stop trying to make him feel guilty and to move on and not wallow in my own self pity. I'm clearly not good at or capable of the 180. I've never felt such deep pain and rejection. It's the lowest I've ever felt in my life


I have done this for years...made my husband feel quilty about things....I can say with 100% certainty they HATE this. They are already dealing with their own guilt...they do not need us to add more to it...

I started counseling 3 weeks ago...I have learned SO MUCH about my responsibility in the failure of this marriage - and am making changes...not for us or him - but for me....but it has given me so much clarity on so many things. 

My husband means the world to me....I cannot imagine my life without him, but have accepted that that is how it may be...

But the truth is I have a self worth that has me being strong and realizing that if he does not think I am worht enough to fight for - he can go.

This all came about in the last week or so.....the first week or two I was a sniveling mess...

I am 43, a wonderful mom, a good friend, a business owner, not too hard on the eyes, trusting, loving, supportive and overall a great wife. I have made msitakes - I am not perfect...if someone wants to only so those mistakes and not the qualities that make me awesome --- then its time to find someone who DOES!

Everyday I see on these boards guys pouring their hearts out with wives who treat them like ****....meanwhile there are girls like me who treat their guy like gold...

That was eye opening for me...there ARE guys out there that would jump to be with someone who is devoted, loyal, independent strong and attractive......

YOU NEED TO FIND THAT CONFIDENCE! Once you do, losing him will be a lot easier to take....


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Amy -

Take heart. I've just read the whole thread and you sound so strong, really. You are, and deep in there somewhere you know it. We've been dealt a raw deal when the H leaves with all kinds of bull**** reasons that don't make sense. 

But they're not supposed to make sense. I like the idea of thinking of him as two different people. Think about whether you would want to be with someone who treats you the way he has been, if you just met him today. Of course not!

Try to find a way to parcel up those happy times and the goodness you shared - I believe you will be able to reflect on it without pain, one day - but for now tuck it away somewhere safe and far away from your heart. 

Make a list of all your good qualities. Or ask a close friend to help if you really can't. I'm sure there are a whole long bunch of them. Find an affirmation or a phrase you can say over and over, that has a positive message. Mine lately has been "I am attracting positive and nurturing interactions." 

Could you take a trip somewhere, if this is something you like to do? 

I'm so sorry you are in the midst of this hell. When it's this bad, though, you know it will have to get better. IT WILL.


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