# Can't seem to end an EA after months of trying



## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I need some help, I have been married for 20 plus yrs, 3 kids almost full grown, I was having an EA for about 3 months, husband found out because I didn't really hide it. I was ready to leave because of our problems, drinking on his part, health issues on me, no help, u know anyways then all hell broke loose. He talked to my friend told him to please quit seeing me my friend said no, as long as I needed him he would be there for me. I was seeing hi almost everyday lots of sex talk and flirting , mentioned getting hotel rooms going for drives but nothing ever happened. I told my husband I had feelings for him and he started going crazy. He would show up at my friends work when I was there freak out, call him and threatened to call his wife. We aggreed not to see each other until after xmas and we really haven't but it is killing me I miss him so much, my husband has changed to for the better, but how long is that going to last. please help with any advice anyone can give


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## Sayitisntso (Mar 25, 2010)

He's married. Your married. You shouldn't being doing anything with a married man. Seems to me you need to try harder at taking care of your own relationship instead of bringing others into it.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

If you want to save you marriage, the first thing I would do is write a letter to the OM telling him you no longer want contact with him. Give the letter to your husband so HE can mail it. DO NOT sign it with "Love" or anything like that.

Change you phone number, change you email, set up rules to forward emails to your husband so he can delete or delete. Any way he has of contacting you, change it set up rules to not allow it.

You will go through withdrawal, an affair is an addiction. It will be hard so let you husband know you need his support to get through it. Then, begin working on your marriage.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

It didn't start off like this and we've been friends for yrs, attracted to each other but never acted on it, so don't make it sound like I went out to do this with a married man, its not like I
went on Asley Madison or something.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Sorry to be blunt but that is just semantics. You might as well have.

You MUST end all contact with him FOR LIFE.

Another thought, and I'll let others weigh in on this, if you are truly serious about ending it, tell his wife what has been going on. Exposure makes affairs very hard to survive.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blueyes said:


> my husband has changed to for the better, but how long is that going to last. please help with any advice anyone can give


Sometimes it takes a very serious shot over the bow to get a spouse to change. Mine came three years ago with the discovery of my wife's EA. Our marriage nearly ended because of it and other problems between us. I made commitments to her that I still keep today. We recovered and the marriage is now better than it's been in years. We've been married 20+ years. 

If your husband is honoring his commitment to you, you need to do the same and honor his wishes. Everyone will lose if you let this affair destroy two marriage. If you decide to end your marriage do it on the merits of the problems in your marriage, not for the other man.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks losinglove for your advice, I just don't know if my marriage is worth saving its been rough for probably 15 yrs and this friend is leaving me alone its me that is having trouble leaving him alone. Is it not possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time and need them for different reasons. I don't want to hurt my husband anymore then what I already have, but I can't shake my feelings either.I haven't had any contact with him for almost 2 mnths now but it is so hard. I think about him everyday. I think maybe I need councelling and my husband withdraws about it everycouple of weeks then I get upset with him because that is what made all this happen in the first place.


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## mva (Mar 26, 2010)

Since both of you are married it better to be careful as your husband dosenot like it. Its better not to discuss about your lover with your husband, tell him that I want to end our relationship for something else. Make sure you cannot continue with your husband and your health is a problem, yes you have to think about yourself when you are getting old. If you just have a passion for your lover for some jokes or texting, then maybe one off physical will be good. If you are ready this you can have anywhere, which are the places you meet him? be ready for any place and dress accordingly. If hotel is difficult then go to park, swimming or horse ride something like. You don't need hotel always, anything just to cover or inside the vehicle.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Losinglove: would that not make things worse if his wife found out. I would love to tell her, then maybe she would leave him and I'd be in the free and clear. My husband wanted to do that until he realized that this is maybe what we wanted. my friend even told his wife a bit about everything and she just had asmart ass remark tosay about me. so I don't think that plan will work either


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Amp thanks for the advice u sound like u know what your talking about, I am just having a very hard time with it. Hopefully I can just get over it with time


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blueyes said:


> Hopefully I can just get over it with time


A couple of months is likely not enough. It does take time, be strong and stay away from him. Get him out of your head even as a plan B. Hopefully as you lose your attraction to him you will begin to see your husband in a better light. Your connection to TOM probably gave you a jaded view of your husband. Perfectly natural. Good luck.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Amp: can I ask how u and your wife overcome everything? My husband is having a really hard time with it. I really didn't think he would care when it first started. I had been trying to talk to him about our problems fo yrs but he wouldn't listen, as soon as there's another guy involved then it's a different story. that upsets me to, he wouldn't work on the problems before but now I begin to maye be happy with someone else and now he cares. explain that one. that makes me very angryat him


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

MVP, thanks but I know how to go and get some!!!! I'm not old either, early 40's and my health is good now, just alittle scare before. but thanks for your input


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blueyes said:


> Amp: can I ask how u and your wife overcome everything?


Here is some back ground. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html

What I experienced was described as therapy with a 2x4 and it works. My wife also resented the fact that I had let things get so bad before I reacted. The 2x4 was the EA and that I really was about to lose my marriage and her. There were many things that took place in the recovery. Counseling, research, communication, we both had to make changes...... There is no one action that will get you in a better place but I think our becoming friends again helped in a lot of areas.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thanks losinglove for your advice, I just don't know if my marriage is worth saving its been rough for probably 15 yrs and this friend is leaving me alone its me that is having trouble leaving him alone. Is it not possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time and need them for different reasons. I don't want to hurt my husband anymore then what I already have, but I can't shake my feelings either.I haven't had any contact with him for almost 2 mnths now but it is so hard. I think about him everyday. I think maybe I need councelling and my husband withdraws about it everycouple of weeks then I get upset with him because that is what made all this happen in the first place.


There are several things in play here that are causing the troubles you are experiencing:

1) You are having an affair. The fact is that you are doing what you can to continue it - thinking about him, etc. There are steps you can take to end that. You've just moved it to a lower level - but you are struggling to continue it. Proof - you wish Other Man would tell his wife so that she would leave him and you'd be 'free and clear.' Of course, to be 'free and clear' you'd also have to get rid of your husband....

This is a true fantasy - the other man is not even involved, and yet you continue!

2) When an affair ends, it takes time to get over. An affair is lived in a fog of justifying thoughts and behaviors. For example "...I just don't know if my marriage is worth saving its been rough for probably 15 yrs..." and "...my husband withdraws about it every couple of weeks then I get upset with him because that is what made all this happen in the first place..." This dizziness takes a while to get over - especially if feelings were very strong, or the affair lasted long enough to build some strong ties.

(You are saying it's your husband's fault you are cheating, rather than working it out with him...) An affair is wrong, period, because it is a breach of contract.

2) There were things in your marriage that created an environment in which you felt the need to find those missing things from another man. In order for your marriage to recover, you will both need to work on those things. My guess is that your husband is more than willing - and it is also my guess that neither of you is fully aware of what exactly needs to be done - what needs are not being met, etc.

Unfortunately, until you end the affair (drop the fantasy) _absolutely no progress_ can be made in your marriage, and things will continue to get worse, until your marriage ends. Your husband will continue to withdraw, you will continue to pine away feeling sorry for yourself. Things will end badly.

The really sad part of this is that the affair will also most likely end - and you will lose everything in an attempt to get what you want through illegitimate means. 

3) In order for your marriage to recover - and change into a meaningful and happy relationship, you must both end the affair - and cut off ALL CONTACT forever. Your choice to have an affair with a friend means that you have ended the possibility of that friendship - a sad but irresistible and inevitable consequence of a bad choice. *Here's an article that explains WHY you must never have any contact ever again.*

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Now playing: Delerium - Silence (Sanctuary Mix)
via FoxyTunes

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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Thank u for giving me that to think about, I haven't thought of it that way


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I still ,want to talk to him because we have left things unfinished and it bugs me. Don't know if he will meet to talk to me now because of my husband have hurt feelings. Don't know what to do


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

blueyes said:


> I still ,want to talk to him because we have left things unfinished and it bugs me. Don't know if he will meet to talk to me now because of my husband have hurt feelings. Don't know what to do


Here's what to do: never talk to him again. Ever. Here is why. Your 'unfinished business' is simply an opportunity that passed you by, something that didn't happen the way you wanted it to. Clinging to that is simply carrying on the affair. It is dishonoring to your husband! 

Refusing to leave the man behind and move back into your marriage is a subtle, yet harmful message that you are sending to your husband that this other guy is far more important that he is.

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Now playing: Heart - Mistral Wind
via FoxyTunes


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

blueyes said:


> I still ,want to talk to him because we have left things unfinished and it bugs me. Don't know if he will meet to talk to me now because of my husband have hurt feelings. Don't know what to do


No no no no no no no no no! No! (Did I say no?) I'm not trying to be mean or judgmental here--I've been in your shoes--but do not contact the Other Man (TOM) ever again for any reason. Leave the unfinished business unfinished--you should not have started "business" anyway!  So no, if you want your marriage to work you are going to have to make the effort to get through the withdrawal, hurt for a little while and miss him, and teach your mind to think of other things when a thought of him pops into your head. 

I *do* understand the idea of feeling resentment over having to go this far just to get the bump off the log. First, I would suggest to take some time to be thankful that he did eventually leave the log, even if it was late and did take a major 2x4. Second, I would suggest exploring together why it is that it took facing a MAJOR loss like this before he would listen to you and deal with the issues at hand...and btw I don't mean his personal issues, I mean the MARRIAGE'S issues. They are different. 

It seems to me that it would be much more profitable to pursue getting to the root of that resentment and why it took such a fire under him before he cared enough to do something, than it would be pursue closing business with someone outside your committed relationship.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I don't know how to figure it out why it took this to get his attention #1, #2, What do I do if I am not really attracted to him that much anymore, I feel so guilty I do love him but not like in love with him anymore I am afraid and he has told me he will make my life a living hell basically he says he will make us loose everything and doesn't care about house or kids and he wasn't yelling said it very calmly. When do u know if its too late if the hurt is too far gone, I can'tget over him geting drunk again when I was told that I might have cancer and I had to take care of him again I had had it and thats it. now he is not drinking and being very attentive bu will it last and is it to late


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I am so attracted to my friend, He is religious and thats the only reason nothing happened physically because I really wanted to,so did he, but he said we made vovs to spouses infront of the lord,family andfriends . which is right but now I don't care I've been unhappy for 15 yrs do I have to suffer another 15, I want to be happy for the next 20 suffer anymore


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

My husband hasn't been there for me in yrs thats why so much resentment is there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well one thing that's really hard to tell over a forum like this is for example the timeframes you're talking about there. Did you two separate...then he said he'd make life living hell...then you found out you might have cancer? Did you he get drunk because of that? Or was his drinking before you separated? See how it's all very confusing? 

To help make it more clear, it's actually a little easy. I don't really need your whole life story or anything. Many years ago you made a promise to this man to take him as your spouse, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, and you promised to forsake all others. This is like a contract--envision a business contract. You said, "I'll do this" and he said "I'll do that." Now I don't see anywhere in the contract where it says "I take you ask my spouse as long as I'm attracted to you, and as long as I feel 'in love' but if not why then I'm free to go" so if you go you break your contract. It's pretty easy. Further, you promised to forsake all others--and you didn't--so you broke the contract. 

Now I'm not saying your spouse is blameless here. Shoot from what you describe with drinking and cancer and not bothering to work on things that were hurting the marriage, it sounds VERY hurtful! But you can't control him or "make him" do anything...you can only control YOU and what you think and do. So you can't make him stop drinking, but you can change you so that you're not codependent...right? And you can't make him care about the marriage, but you can change you so that you have a healthy boundary about what you will and will not allow in your life. That would be controlling YOU (not him) and it would be you acting in a healthy way toward your marriage and honoring your contract. Having an affair is not a healthy way to cope with marriage problems, and FYI I'm preaching to the choir here because it happened to me! 

Okay so here's my thought. *First*, get back to honoring your contract. That is a very serious promise you made to another human being and the lives of your children depend on you keeping your word and being honorable. However, they also depend on you being healthy and wise not allowing drinking or drunkenness around them because they could be harmed! And it sounds to me as if you have reasonable reason to be fairly skeptical of his promises. 

*Second*, I would say it's reasonable to possibly have some concern about safety and well-being and following through on promises--especially regarding drinking. So I would suggest that if he seems sincere about working on his drinking (and by that I mean, being responsible for his choices, getting himself to AA or counseling, and actually doing the work for the marriage) I would give him the chance to do it. Right now you don't have feelings for him and yet you indicate he sort of "gets it"... so take this time for two things. Let him prove to you he's serious, and give him the chance to add some kindlers to your love fire. At the same time, you prove that you are serious by a) NOT CONTACTING T.O.M., b) getting yourself to Al-Anon or a support group for codependents, and c) take the time to add some kindlers to his love fire. 

After all it is a marriage of two: he may need to add kindlers to make your love fire blaze but chances are good that you do too. Okay?


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

ok, we have never seperated, I told him I was talking to my friend everyday. I found out I was sick back 6 mths ago and tat weekend he got drunk, not because of me that is just what he does. so that was the end of that,I had had enough of him not caring and all about him. I do not agree with u about your so called contract, as far as I'm concerned he voided our contract yrs ago with his drinking and not caring about me. So excuse me if I don't give a dame right now about the contract. Now I'm the bad guy because I've had enough and want to be happy for the next yrs to come, I think not


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> ok, we have never seperated, I told him I was talking to my friend everyday. I found out I was sick back 6 mths ago and tat weekend he got drunk, not because of me that is just what he does. so that was the end of that,I had had enough of him not caring and all about him. I do not agree with u about your so called contract, as far as I'm concerned he voided our contract yrs ago with his drinking and not caring about me. So excuse me if I don't give a dame right now about the contract. Now I'm the bad guy because I've had enough and want to be happy for the next yrs to come, I think not


Wanting to be happy does not make someone a 'bad guy.' The error is in breaking your commitment to your husband. Regardless of how you 'feel' the reality is that you made a promise to him - and now you have chosen to break it. The error also lies in actually thinking an affair will lead to happiness. Happiness only comes from hard work at doing what is right. Any other emotion experienced is temporary - and once it is gone, you'll have to scurry off chasing after it again - a never ending scramble to keep from facing reality.

As for: "...I do not agree with u about your so called contract, as far as I'm concerned he voided our contract yrs ago with his drinking and not caring about me..." This makes no sense at all. I can understand you feeling that he has not kept up his end of the contract with perfection - but I also know that he has not been absolutely evil either. My guess is that both of you have done things throughout your marriage that are not perfectly in line with the agreement you made. 

But what makes no sense is to call it 'so-called' - and then complaining that your husband did not keep his contract with you. Was he the only one that actually made a vow - established a contract - or were you involved in the process as well?

That's because the contract is not a magical thing. It's something that you have to work at, every day. So....how can you not agree that this is a contract - and yet still argue that he broke it. It is either a contact or it is not.

What was the vow you made? The promise? My guess is that it was NOT "I promise to stay with you as long as I am happy." It would have been much smarter and wiser if you had, since that, in reality, is exactly how you mare living. 

Basically it comes down to this: you lied to your husband when you made the vows (did you keep your fingers crossed?) and you are still lying to him. And using his bad behavior as the excuse.

An adult will take responsibility for their own actions. They will not find others to blame for things THEY _personally_ do. A child blames others, refuses to take responsibility. A child wants everything for them self - and does anything to avoid negative consequences and negative feelings. An adult realizes that negative things happen, and works through them - with a goal in mind at the end of the road. An adult realizes that sometimes you have to face a little pain in order to gain a greater reward. And - an adult will not sacrifice someone else's happiness in order that they can be happy. Those are the actions of a child. 

Marriage is for adults. 

And yes, your husband may not have been perfect - he may be far from perfect. The point there is that there are ways in which to address these problems that are not wrong - while an affair IS wrong. But - so is using your husbands behavior as justification to do something wrong. It is wrong to avoid fixing the marriage by cheating.

Now I understand that not only is this something you don't want to hear, but it is also something you will not accept, mainly because this would require that you do something you don't want to - and people don't like that (it makes them uncomfortable - totally understandable.) 

I will point out (to deaf ears, most likely) that an affair is a fantasy, and that in that fantasy, justifications are created to make clearly wrong actions seem both good and necessary. History is rewritten so that the spouse is evil and that there has almost never been any true love in the marriage. The affair partner is seen as magically perfect - able to fill all needs and create almost no pain. And a person in the depths of an affair is nearly incapable of seeing reality.

The problems come later. It's too bad you wish to take a self-destructive course of action. My only question is: what are you doing here? You clearly want to destroy your marriage and carry on an illicit relationship (that will most likely end in pain) - what payoff do you get by wasting time here?

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Now playing: Alison Krauss & Union Station - Happiness
via FoxyTunes


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

blueyes said:


> ok, we have never seperated, I told him I was talking to my friend everyday. I found out I was sick back 6 mths ago and tat weekend he got drunk, not because of me that is just what he does. so that was the end of that,I had had enough of him not caring and all about him.


Okay so again thanks for clarifying and let me make sure I have the facts fairly straight. You two have been married for 20 years and he has been a drunk. You've tried and tried to talk to him about it but he didn't care and ignored it. In fact, the weekend you found out you might have cancer, he got drunk and you had to "take care of him". That's when you said, "Enough!" ...and you started an EA with a man whom you've known for a long time as an acquaintance friend. The OM is also married and "religious" so you two didn't sleep together but flirted and talked sexy, and at some point he said he couldn't cuz he's married or you two agreed you better stop--you had gone too far. Then your hubby found out, told you that if you left he'd make your life "living hell" and finally seems to have gotten a 2x4 to stop drinking...too little, too late. 

Is that sort of close?

Blueeyes, what Tanelorn is trying to say, in a pretty "in-your-face" manner is that even if your life is exactly as you presented up there, it doesn't justify an affair. Now hear me out. His concept is that even if a person were to assume that it honestly was exactly as you present it, the mature, adult thing to do is address the drinking, get yourself into Al-Anon, set some healthy boundaries, maybe have an intervention, and then if necessary end the marriage. ALL THAT would be done before entering another relationship. So the fact that your hubby "did wrong" would not be justification for you to do wrong too--two wrongs don't make a right (or lead to happiness). 

Maybe your hubby "gets it" now and maybe he doesn't--we can't tell because he is not here. But YOU are. So what we have to address is not what he did, nor do we condone what you did. Our job here to to help you address what you did, admit what you did, change yourself so you don't do that again, and figure out how to change you so you don't just "put up" with a drunken husband in your marriage. Make sense? And the way to be healthy in a marriage is not to address his drinking with an affair. 

Soooo...I know it seems like the OM is attractive, attentive and perfect, but keep reminding yourself that he is a man who's character allowed for cheating. He's NOT perfect or he would have rebuffed your advances in the first place and helped you find counseling or Al-Anon and helped you face your husband's drunkenness. See what I mean? A real friend would help you to do the right thing, not continue flirting around with something that you both knew was wrong. As best as you can, train your mind to stop thinking about OM--determine in your heart to let him go, and if you think of him, train yourself to think of something else that is actually HELPFUL to you (like here is the link to Al-Anon Online...what is the first step?) Once you've broken free of the OM, you can start to address your marriage in a mature, healthy way. 



> I do not agree with u about your so called contract, as far as I'm concerned he voided our contract yrs ago with his drinking and not caring about me. So excuse me if I don't give a dame right now about the contract. Now I'm the bad guy because I've had enough and want to be happy for the next yrs to come, I think not


Just so you know, there is no need to get snarky with me. I am here to help you but only if you are honest and actually face yourself. Blame doesn't cut it. Your husband may have been a drunk for 20 years but the issue here is that you are here (not him) and you had an affair rather than address his drinking. So let's deal with that without swearing and whatnot, okay? 

I do sort of understand your feeling about voiding the contract. In a way it's the big elephant in the living room that most loyal spouses don't exactly address--that it's not like disloyals will just up and "OOPS had sex with someone else today." Usually-often the loyal spouse checked out of the marriage long ago and over and over and over again hurt their disloyal and refused to address it and stop. Then when their spouse is disloyal they get that holier-than-thou attitude because "at least they didn't CHEAT." So what happens? The loyal spouse blames the disloyal for cheating and doesn't address themselves or what they've done to contribute...and the disloyal blames the loyal spouse and doesn't address themselves or what they've done to contribute. 

Thus in this instance, I get it. He drank. He was a fall over, pass out, throw up drunk and you dealt with in and finally enough was enough. BUT blueeyes you are personally responsible for you and your choices and he is personally responsible for him and his choices. Here's the fact: you did make that contract, and it didn't say "I take you unless you drink and make me unhappy." Now drinking is a serious issue--I think you should address it in a healthy mature way. Go to counseling or Al-Anon and get yourself straight. Tell him point blank to stop drinking because the marriage is in jeopardy. Speak to his family, friends or pastor (whatever) and enlist their help in dealing with his drinking. Allow him to experience the consequences of being drunk--like let him lay in his own vomit if he passes out. (Nothing personal but a few times waking up in his own filth may be a shocking eye-opener). Don't cover for his drunkenness. And if he won't quit, separate. Draw up legal papers so he is responsible even if he chooses drunkenness. 

See--it's not like we're saying, "Hey you made a contract and have to live this horrible life to honor it". No we're saying "You do have an obligation. Now deal with your duty like a healthy adult." If you do all these healthy things and he's continuing in drinking the fact is you may have to divorce...and the fact is that HE is the one who broke the marriage in that case. 

But having an affair is all yours. That is not his to address, his to own, or his to work on. That was you. So rather than pointing fingers, and swearing--let's get on with the business of addressing how to detach from the OM and how to address the drinking.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

blueyes said:


> I am so attracted to my friend, He is religious and thats the only reason nothing happened physically because I really wanted to,so did he, but he said we made vovs to spouses infront of the lord,family andfriends . which is right but now I don't care I've been for 15 yrs do I have to suffer another 15, I want to be happy for the next 20 suffer anymore


well if u feel no attraction for ur husband & u r not in love with him I think u should leave ur husband as without love it can never work . Staying just because u think divorce might be tough is not right . dont u think it will be unfair if u stay with ur husband but always thinking about ur MM ? I really dont think one should continue being miserable in a marriage just because u have made vows, even if there is no love & attraction . 

Ur decison should be something on which ur mind & heart both agree .


Best of luck


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Here is some back ground.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html
> 
> What I experienced was described as therapy with a 2x4 and it works. My wife also resented the fact that I had let things get so bad before I reacted. The 2x4 was the EA and that I really was about to lose my marriage and her. There were many things that took place in the recovery. Counseling, research, communication, we both had to make changes...... There is no one action that will get you in a better place but I think our becoming friends again helped in a lot of areas.


Your story, "When enough is enough" brought tears to my eyes. I am a married woman who ended an EA about 5 months ago. My husband & I are in marriage counseling now. I am trying to get over the guy I had the EA with. I have no doubt I fell in love w/him. Things were already bad w/my husband before the EA (verbal abuse by my husband) but having the EA really messed w/my mind. I feel numb to my husband. He doesn't understand at all my lack of physical desire for him. It was lacking before but now its completely gone. He is buying me gifts, constantly giving me physical affection & I find it overwhelming. He doesn't know about the EA but I won't say that at some point I won't tell him. I am just terrified of hurting him even though I don't understand WHY I am scared to hurt him when he hurt me so badly. We have kids & that is the only reason I continue but I feel like I am living a lie. EAs are so painful and so not worth it. Your story gives me some hope. Thanks.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

tanelornpete, Thanks. I'm sorry u feel like I am wasting your time and I don't think u understand me anyways so don't bother giving me anymore advice with your bad additude against me. I was trying to tell how I feel honestly and explain the situation better, that was all, not expecting a third degree from u. Sorry for any inconvenience I caused u.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes, come on. Now you're acting like a 12 year old because someone held you to task for your actions. How is that any better than what you're accusing tanelorn of?

Do you have a bad marriage? Definitely.

Does that make it ok to have an affair? NEVER.

If your marriage is so bad, divorce him. THEN see if you can find someone else to replace him. 

But to cheat while you are married is NEVER acceptable, no matter how your husband treats you. You're a grown up. Do the grown up thing and either divorce your husband, or give up the man you're cheating with.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Affaircare: Thanks for your input, I am trying to be rude our anything to u or anyone on here. I am trying to be truthful and get advice to help my marriage. I am just very upset I guess because I have tried for years to get him to stop and be a real husband and I have faults too, not as serious as the drinking. Anyways I did not mean anything against u. I have some good news, I have bee n feeling better about everything, not thinking so much about my friend, I did talk to him about business last week but it was short and sweet and just business. My husband hasn't been drinking and is really being awsome after my surgery for the cancer scare, he finally had to take care of me for a change and he did awsome. something else knowone knows he's been in hospitaal 5 times and i've done everything for him for months at a time because I love him and made commitment to him to do that I get all that, I know it's not an excuse to have an ea, I didn't plan to have one it just sort of happened. thought I would share that I think we're on the right track finally.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

blueyes said:


> tanelornpete, Thanks. I'm sorry u feel like I am wasting your time and I don't think u understand me anyways so don't bother giving me anymore advice with your bad additude against me. I was trying to tell how I feel honestly and explain the situation better, that was all, not expecting a third degree from u. Sorry for any inconvenience I caused u.


It's unfortunate that misunderstandings tend to happen this way. My question about why you were wasting time was not specifically about _my _ time - but _your_ time.

In all of your posts, all you've done is attempt to justify why your affair is special and necessary. I was curious about why you would bother posting here at all, since it _seems_ that you aren't interested in your marriage. 

If I am wrong I'd be very glad. I'm here specifically to help marriages. Not affairs. 

You seem to be trying to do something wrong in order to fix something wrong. Ain't gonna happen. The _best_ you can hope for from this is to move from one bad situation to another. 

There are specific (and bad) troubles in your marriage. Those need to be dealt with before you move on. 

You state that this guy you are so in love with is 'religious.' If so, then his first priority is to honor God, and this cannot be done by carrying on an affair. If you love him at all, you will not spend time trying to tempt him to compromise his beliefs in order to feel good for a while.

Right now your priority is your marriage (what there is of it.) Not an affair. That's the entire point of my post earlier (my 'bad attitude' if you wish). It wasn't 'against' you. It was FOR you. If you truly wish happiness - and want it to last - go about pursuing it doing the RIGHT THING. Otherwise you'll lose it much faster than you expect.

Get busy fixing your marriage. Or get out. Those are your two moral options. Cheating on your husband, while an option - is bound for disaster.

----------------
Now playing: David Bowie - Law (Earthlings On Fire)
via FoxyTunes


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> thought I would share that I think we're on the right track finally.


Awesome news! So - what are you doing that is designed to fix the troubles?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes, what learning have you done about alcoholics and wives of alcoholics? Are you aware, for instance, that supporting your husband's drinking and hiding it from the world can actually make the drinking worse?

I'm not blaming you, just want you to see that you DO have choices that you can make to help keep the alcoholism from destroying your lives. Go to Alanon and learn about what you should be doing in the event of him starting to drink again. You can make your marriage even better, if you share with him what you learn there. Good luck!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

May I also point out that until you end the affair completely (including NO CONTACT) you will be unable to progress in any improvement in your marriage? 

Priority one is to end the affair. 

Priority two is to determine what needs to change in your marriage if it is to work....


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

turnera, how is being nasty to me going help, I am trying to explain my situation.It has been tough a lot the last yrs and I'm not perfect and an ea isn't right this why I haven't seen him for 2months. I am trying to work things out and things are slowly getting better, I have been listening to everyone, but I've been confused too, come here for help and people get offside with me, thanks for your input

side.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks for the clarification, I am going to look into that al-onon, We r getting close again because he is actally talking to me now and not drinking nearly as much. We still have a ways to go but we r at a good start 
for now. Trying to get into councelling but a 3 mth wait, I can't believe it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes said:


> turnera, how is being nasty to me going help, I am trying to explain my situation.It has been tough a lot the last yrs and I'm not perfect and an ea isn't right this why I haven't seen him for 2months. I am trying to work things out and things are slowly getting better, I have been listening to everyone, but I've been confused too, come here for help and people get offside with me, thanks for your input
> 
> side.


 blueeyes, I mean no disrespect, really. But why is pointing out your shortcomings being nasty? I assume you're talking about me saying you're acting like a 12 year old? Honestly, I can't think of any other way to say that, every time someone questions your actions, you get defensive and blast at THEM instead of asking yourself whether what they say is true - and thus whether you could benefit from listening to them.

I assume you're in your 20s or thereabouts, and maybe that's why you take things so sensitively - when I was growing up, it was common practice for people to tell each other what we thought about each other, rather than just pretending to be polite, and we developed thicker skins, I guess. When someone would tell us someting we were doing wrong, we usually would try to understand what they were talking about, instead of getting (as) defensive. I really do think it's a generational thing.

At any rate, everything that everyone here has said to you has been GOOD advice. 

Does it hurt to hear that people think you are not perfect? Of course it does. But people aren't telling you things cos it's fun to hurt you, and you already know you have issues, or you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be admitting an affair. We're honestly trying to help you see things in yourself that you can USE to learn from and perhaps change, and thus have a happier life.

I'm sorry if I can't find a more...delicate way of writing my thoughts. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. But I hope you'll go back and read what everyone's said to you, and see that we are all trying to give helpful advice.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Thanks for the clarification, I am going to look into that al-onon, We r getting close again because he is actally talking to me now and not drinking nearly as much. We still have a ways to go but we r at a good start
> for now. Trying to get into councelling but a 3 mth wait, I can't believe it.


Don't wait for counseling. You can do most of the work right now.

1) Hubby needs to stop boozing and instead begin actively facing troubles (he uses it to hide from them, eh?)

2) Take this test together...

3) Take this test together.

4) Do this for both of you...

All kinds of stuff you can do before ever hitting counseling - and every step you take is one step closer to the marriage you want, rather than the one you have.

----------------
Now playing: Nat King Cole - Honeysuckle Rose
via FoxyTunes


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Turnera, I'm 40 something, u would know that if u read the posts in their intirely. thanks for your input, I don't appreciate being called a 12 yr old. Thanks for the insight of everything else though


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

blueyes~

I just wanted to let you know that I've decided to no longer reply to your posts and also let you know why. After reading your posts in their entirety I had also concluded you were young, because I do not hear the maturity of a person in their 40's in your posts. I myself am in my younger 40's and I have been in your shoes both as the one who was loyal (my first H left me for his mistress), and as the one who was disloyal--yes even knowing all I do I fell for it myself (I'm saddened to say.) Yet you don't hear me blaming, avoiding, and being defensive. At various times, in various styles, Tanelorn and turnera and I have asked you to look at yourself, deal with yourself and your own issues, stop blaming others, stop justifying continuing your affair, stop justifying why you "can't" end it, and start doing what I know you know is the right thing to do--for no other reason than because it IS the right thing to do. 

If you are not happy in your marriage, you either go to specifically marriage counseling or end the marriage--you don't have an affair. 

If your husband is a drunk, you go to Al-Anon or any other ministry to help those who are codependent with their drunk--you don't continue enabling them. 

If the other man really actually is religious, his TOP priority would be to live in a way that pleases God and not man... or his "happiness." Having an affair is really clearly forbidden in the bible and the only reason a person is given for morally ending a marriage. (NOTE: drunkenness is not a reason given in the bible for ending a marriage, adultery is. Just think about that a minute.) His second priority would be to honor the covenant he made with the wife of his youth and please God by his actions in his marriage. Since he was doing neither one of those things, the only conclusion I can reach is that his religion was in word only and what I would call "religiosity" which is excessive piety in actions with no real relationship with God. 

When we point out to you that you CAN end your affair and that YOU are the one prolonging it, you act defensively toward us for telling you the truth. 

When we point out that your husband is not here so we can not address is alcoholism but you ARE here and thus we address your affair, you act defensively toward us for telling the truth. 

When we suggest that doing two wrongs does not make it right, you act defensively toward us for telling the truth. 

When we suggest that your defensive behavior is reminiscent of someone who is younger rather than the mature behavior of someone who has a few years and experiences under their belt, you act defensively toward us for telling the truth. 

Sooooo...it would appear that you only seek validation that you were okay in having an affair since your husband has been a drunk for several years. You won't be getting that here. And thus, I am choosing to no longer reply to your posts. 

If the day ever comes that you are willing to look at yourself, be responsible for your choices and your actions, and actually make the effort to work at making yourself a better person in a more loving marriage...you know where to come. But I'm warning you now we will be nothing short of honest with you and hold you to task for how you have contributed. When you're ready please feel free to let any one of us know. Thanks!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What she said. Good info...if you're willing to hear it.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Affaircare, sorry u feel that way, I have been listening to everyones advice. I haven't seen my friend in over 2 mnths the ea has stopped.Talked business on the phone once thats it. I have been trying and listening to all u folks on here and spending every moment I possibly can with my husband trying to get things on track, It is actually working,Before I came on here I didn't even know what an EA was I thought an affair had to be physical all the way, so u have to excuse me about being ignorant to that fact. Thanks for all your help, I don't mean anything to come out rude to people on here,but I guess thats the trouble with computers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good news!

Do you want a way to reinforce your marriage?

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, and both of you fill them out. Do the Love Buster one first. It will tell you (the one that HE fills out) what you do that makes him unhappy - so you can stop doing it. The key is to NOT be the person he associates with bad feelings. And if he's willing, you can fill one out so HE can see what you don't like about him; if he's not ready for that, that's fine, you can always share it later. The key is for you to become more the person he wants, so that he feels like doing more for you. (it really works; I'm proof)

Work on those LBs for a couple months, to change your habits. After that, ask him to fill out the Emotional Needs one, so that you know what his top 5 ENs are - so you can be the only person who meets those needs.

Once you do that, he will be so happy to be with you that he will be trying to make YOU happy.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I found the questionares, we did the emotional needs one, it was pretty good but my husband didn't fill much out he said there wasn't much he could think of to write. I filled out the whole thing. He first was a little bit suprised with my answers then we talked and ended up laughing at the end so it was good.I just wish he would of found more to write about me on there. I've left his there for him to work on because I know I'm not perfect.


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## AJ2010 (Apr 2, 2010)

Blueyes,
I may be coming in a little late on this, but had some advice that may or may not help you, so thought I'd chime in.
Please realize that TOM is putting on his best display for you. He is most likely NOT the person you are seeing. Just like when you first start dating someone, you put your best face on, and hide all of your own little quirks, idiosyncrasies, and faults, he is doing the same. If you were to end your marriage and end up with TOM, or even if you were to enter into a full fledged affair with him, you would eventually find that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. Also, keep in mind, you are providing a road map for TOM to your emotional needs. When you tell him you are unhappy with your husband, for whatever reasons, you are telling TOM what he should do to win you over, and what he should avoid to keep from pushing you away! Imagine what that information could do for your marriage if you put it in your husband's hands instead!
For both of you, the EA works bc it is PLAY. Its not a real relationship with all of the everyday doldrums and problems. Its like taking time out of everyday to watch a good movie. Its fun and invigorating but its not real life.
You obviously have issues with your marriage, and they may not be all your fault, but your EA IS! If you want to save your marriage, and it appears that you do, then first dump all the distractions on your end, starting with the "friend" you are having the EA with. If he is driving a wedge between you and your family, he is NOT your friend! And if you are providing a wedge between TOM and his family, you aren't being a friend to him either!
Finally, if after you have done everything you can to save your marriage, and if your husband is unable or unwilling to improve on his end, maybe its time to end it. If you would feel better off with another man, then have the decency to end your marriage first. Then get your life in order, become happy with yourself as a person, and THEN find someone else to share your life with. Just don't be surprised if TOM isn't as willing to leave his wife for you. Once again, the EA is fun, a real relationship is WORK!
I wish you the best! I'm sure it will be tough, but most things in life worth having are hard to come by. A solid marriage is the most rewarding and the toughest to earn. Probably why there are so few out there, bc there aren't many people willing to do the job past the "fun years".
Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes said:


> I found the questionares, we did the emotional needs one, it was pretty good but my husband didn't fill much out he said there wasn't much he could think of to write. I filled out the whole thing. He first was a little bit suprised with my answers then we talked and ended up laughing at the end so it was good.I just wish he would of found more to write about me on there. I've left his there for him to work on because I know I'm not perfect.


 Write about you?

The emotional needs questionnaire is for YOU to write what YOU need in a marriage. It should not be about your spouse. Are you sure you guys got the instructions right? His answers should have been what HE needs in a perfect marriage, irrespective of who you are.

Like I said, you should have filled out the Love Buster questionnaire first. It does no good to meet each other's Emotional Needs, if you are busy Love Busting (harming) each other, because no matter how hard you try to please the other person, if you are irritating them (LBing) somehow, they never WILL be happy with you. It's all for naught.

Please go back and do the LB questionnaire, and ignore the EN one for now.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I filled out the whole thing. He first was a little bit suprised with my answers then we talked and ended up laughing at the end so it was good.


This is one of the best things about those questionnaires - they give you so much to talk about - they open ways to communicate that were missing before.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Very true.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I was confused, we did do the love busters one, thats the one that u write all the things that might bother u such as annoying habbits right?.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks AJ, I'm trying, things r getting better


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes said:


> I was confused, we did do the love busters one, thats the one that u write all the things that might bother u such as annoying habbits right?.


 Right. The way the program works is that you share your answers and, once you know what YOU do that annoys your spouse, you work like crazy (hopefully both of you do!) to STOP doing those things. They could be as big as lying about where you are, to as small as taking your socks off at the couch and leaving them there for your wife to pick up (lol, that's one of mine that my H does). 

Because you love your spouse, you should be willing and enthusiastic to stop doing things that annoy them. And if it's something you don't want to stop doing, talk to each other about it. 

For example, another of my H's LBs is to slurp his cereal milk. It makes me want to throw something! I didn't want to ask him to stop eating cereal, so I told him the slurping really bothers me; now he consciously tries to remember to not slurp. Problem solved.

So work on the LBs before you tackle the Emotional Needs, cos you have to be in the positive (no LBs to drain your love for each other) before you can work on building up love through meeting ENs.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Thats funny because the socks thing is exactlywaht we were laughing about, he couldn't believe that I would write that. LOL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Guys...lol

Another one is the butter knife. My H makes a sandwich as a snack most nights, and he leaves the dirty knife on the counter instead of twisting 30 degrees to put it into the sink. I'm not even asking him to put it in the dishwasher - just the sink! He knows it bothers me, but it doesn't matter enough to him to care.

I think if guys had to do even 60% of the picking up and cleaning, they'd have a different outlook.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Having trouble it seems this week, can't quit thinking of him wanting to talk to him. I'm staying strong though doing other stuff insted,why does it have to be so hard? rough spot I'll get over.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to think of yourself in 5 or 10 years, and how different your life will be like then.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Just wanted to chime in blue eyes you may never forget! You may always wonder........that does happen. Good luck continue to focus on you and your husband, talk talk talk, and remember how much you did love him at one time, right?

Good luck.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

HELP!!!!! I am having a real hard time today all I want to do is cry. I have got so much stuff on my mind and now how do I be honest with my husband about missing OM without hurting him. He thinks everything is ok but he knows I'm upset but thinks it is work. I told him its not all work and I'm upset with myself for being misserable again. Me being misserable and moody is what started everything in the first place. I think I need serious help quickly


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes, go to him and ask him for HELP. He is your partner, he will WANT to help you become closer to him. You need to do this for him, and with him. A marriage has to be built on honesty. Or it's not a real marriage.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

turnera: thanks I know I have to be honest, I've always been with him. I "m just afraid of hurting him somemore and don't want to. I'll talk to him this afternoon.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

OhGeesh, Thanks for always being encouraging and never cruel or judgemental, I do really appreciate it alot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It may hurt, but if he loves you, he will appreciate that you are letting him in. Maybe not at first, but it will make a difference.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

blueyes said:


> OhGeesh, Thanks for always being encouraging and never cruel or judgemental, I do really appreciate it alot.


 blueyes, I just want to point out that, aside from an occasional jerk poster, most of the people who post to someone like you are not doing so to be cruel or judgmental. We are sharing our experience and knowledge with you, which is this: cheating will NEVER help you, only hurt you. 

Sometimes someone in an affair will be so 'fogged' out by the changes going on in their brain and chemicals that they simply can't see the truth; thus the need to be what looks like cruelty, to break through that fog.

But we do so to help you, not hurt you. Of course it hurts to hear you've been doing something harmful. None of us likes to hear that. But as you've been able to see, there is a better solution, and people are trying to help you see that. Sometimes it comes with 2x4s over the head, lol. But it's meant in the best way.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

hank U as well Turnera, I know u have given me some really good sound advice, I have been listening and doing to what everyone on here has been telling me, whether I want to hear it or not.lol It's been good for the most part. I am feeling better as the day goes on its just way to easy for me to go see my friend if I wanted to. So I think I'm doing well this week and being strong. I am listening to everyone and they r right. The grass isn't greener and my husband and I are communicating better then we ever have in 23yrs so I have to get over this crap and move on. Thanks for your input and for being here for me today, much appreciated. Going out now but will stay far away from him.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> blueyes, I just want to point out that, aside from an occasional jerk poster, most of the people who post to someone like you are not doing so to be cruel or judgmental. We are sharing our experience and knowledge with you, which is this: cheating will NEVER help you, only hurt you.
> 
> Sometimes someone in an affair will be so 'fogged' out by the changes going on in their brain and chemicals that they simply can't see the truth; thus the need to be what looks like cruelty, to break through that fog.
> 
> But we do so to help you, not hurt you. Of course it hurts to hear you've been doing something harmful. None of us likes to hear that. But as you've been able to see, there is a better solution, and people are trying to help you see that. Sometimes it comes with 2x4s over the head, lol. But it's meant in the best way.


Do you know my problem with this type of diagnosis. Chemicals, fog, delirium, confused, not real, is because the FEELINGS ARE REAL 100% REAL.

If the feelings weren't real all affairs would always fizzle out, the relationships would never last with the "mysterious" partner, but guess what? They do all the freaking time!! Like I said most of the divorces I have been around are women cheating and leaving their husbands and 3 of the 4 are either married or are still with the guy they cheated on their husband with.

Sometimes (ya'll) make it sound like something temporary, false, and not real, and that isn't the case. I'll agree it's not right, it's wrong, it opens up alot of questions, and odds say it won't work, but who knows? The feelings are real......you need to use logic and sound judgement to see that it's rush of anything new and it can fade, but it's still real.

Normally I would start harping on the "Expose" part, but I don't want to cloud the thread anymore than I already have.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

losinglove said:


> If you want to save you marriage, the first thing I would do is write a letter to the OM telling him you no longer want contact with him. Give the letter to your husband so HE can mail it. DO NOT sign it with "Love" or anything like that.
> 
> Change you phone number, change you email, set up rules to forward emails to your husband so he can delete or delete. Any way he has of contacting you, change it set up rules to not allow it.
> 
> You will go through withdrawal, an affair is an addiction. It will be hard so let you husband know you need his support to get through it. Then, begin working on your marriage.


There it is in Blacka nd White. And any BUT you raise simply means you would rather hurt your husband than this other man. And YES, IT IS THAT SIMPLE


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Do you know my problem with this type of diagnosis. Chemicals, fog, delirium, confused, not real, is because the FEELINGS ARE REAL 100% REAL.
> 
> If the feelings weren't real all affairs would always fizzle out, the relationships would never last with the "mysterious" partner, but guess what? They do all the freaking time!! Like I said most of the divorces I have been around are women cheating and leaving their husbands and 3 of the 4 are either married or are still with the guy they cheated on their husband with.
> 
> ...


In one sense feelings are always right (not in the moral sense though) and real. However they can be based on bad information, and skewed by intensity of experience and other factors. Take my case. 3 months ago my wife was "so in love" with the other man, "loved him more than she ever loved me", and "loved me but wasn't in love with me". 

3 months later now and she not only loves me again, but could tell me last night that she has been dealing with some strange feelings this week because she realizes that she wasn't really in love with him at all. Mind you my marriage was ballancing on a knife's edge to get to this point, and played out 10 different times might have only survived to this point half or less. But we have made good choices, are healing and getting healthy again. 

Yes, there is often a "fog" from all manner of emotions and situations that build up through an affair that cloud the truth.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

blueyes said:


> hank U as well Turnera, I know u have given me some really good sound advice, I have been listening and doing to what everyone on here has been telling me, whether I want to hear it or not.lol It's been good for the most part. I am feeling better as the day goes on its just way to easy for me to go see my friend if I wanted to. So I think I'm doing well this week and being strong. I am listening to everyone and they r right. The grass isn't greener and my husband and I are communicating better then we ever have in 23yrs so I have to get over this crap and move on. Thanks for your input and for being here for me today, much appreciated. Going out now but will stay far away from him.


Great to hear that you have been doing better blueyes. I kind of mentioned it in my last post, but if I can just encourage you directly here a bit with my story. My wife of almost 16 years had been having a long term affair on me. 

She told me all of those sorts of things - she 'loved him more than she had ever loved me', 'didn't know if she had ever been in love with me really', 'couldn't live without him', 'they made each other so happy', she 'loved me but wasn't IN love with me' ... 

Even once we both made the commitment to work on this and mutually were healing and going to counselling, she still tried to hang on to him as a friend, not wanting to totally give up contact. Finally though she has, and as we have been healing and getting better she told me last night that she has been dealing with some strange emotoins and feelings this week because she realizes now that she really wasn't or at least isn't in love with him, she doesn't love him, and that was a shocker for her. That she is in love with me, and things are getting better day by day. 

I encourage you to keep on. I know it's not easy, it will be hard, there will be times of temptation ... but things can get better, and they will if you keep working at it.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

OhGeesh, I hear ya, everyone I know that has had an affair has left their other half and is still with that person as well. I don't think I was ever in a fog. I know what I was doing.The only reason I am still here as I said before was because of x-mas and my son coming home from university, but now my husband has changed for the better and we r communicating alot better. So I am wo 
rking on it, but if or when it begins to change again I will probably leave, because I know I need to be happy and deserve it, not to stick around for kids or house or because I made a promise that he broke years ago and I"ve been trying to rebuild for yrs, and that is what people don't get on here. I've been trying for yrs!!!!!!!! so if this time it doesn't work, I'm done. It has nothing to do with the friend, and everything to do with us. Thanks again. u and I, I think we think alike and get where I'm coming from.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They left because their spouse didn't fight the affair and to try to save their marriage by busting up the affair. 

And no, most affairages do NOT last. Why? Because they CHEAT! And they cheat on their NEXT marriage, too!

blueyes, I do get it. I have a not-so-great husband, too. I'm 50/50 in and out. But if you want to prove to yourself that you're not leaving because of your 'friend,' you will NEVER see him again. And then you'll know you did what's right for everyone.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

What often happens is that the people from the affair DO stay together ... for a while. 

MAYBE even as long as the original marriage. BUT eventually the second guy starts looking to the woman like the first guy did. He isn't responsive to her needs, whatever. And she feels the same or worse than with the first. Why? Same her. 

She didn't change because everything was THEIR fault. THEY drove her to cheat. THEY made her miserable. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions. She never learns how to communicate, she never learns how to love somebody in THEIR language, only in her own (often the same as the guy ends up doing and makes her so unhappy).

Why is it broken commitments mean nothing to those that break them? ANY excuse will be used to justify. Yet if THEY were on the other side you know that NO excuse could be used to justify.

In the end...(since I'm assuming most cheaters feel they owe nothing to their spouse)you owe it to YOURSELF to try to see what could be done to better your marriage before leaving. You owe it to YOURSELF to learn how to communicate better. YOU owe to find out about different love languages and how you can love until you head spins and they may simply not even see it (and vice-versa). YOU owe it to yourself because if you don't learn these things your next relationship will likely come to the same demise. Not toe mention you both will go into it will major trust issues sitting on the shelf just waiting to jump off.

Disclaimer: I'm using a woman as the bad example here...same of course hold true in reverse as well. The YOU is speaking to cheaters, not any particular one. It is also speaking to those that are emotionally cheating that would prefer to give it the term of "only friends" even though they place the "friends" before their spouse.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

The problem is not that FEELINGS are real - they ALWAYS are. You can't NOT have feelings. That's because FEELINGS are a response to prior thinking - unless you have a prior thought, a feeling will not occur (unless your body is randomly producing hormonal releases - which is always a possibility.)

The FANTASY is built not on feelings, nor are the feelings the fantasy. There is the absolute error in the logic of that opinion. 

The THOUGHTS which justify the affair, the created universe in which the past if minimized, exaggerated, falsified, trivialized, marginalized, under or over-stated, etc., is the fantasy. 

It has nothing to do with feelings. In any event, if a relationship is based solely on feelings IT is doomed. This is because if you make your decisions (which, by the way is NOT a function of feelings) BASED upon feelings, you are bound to wander endlessly from relationship to relationship. Feelings change with physical condition, environment, body chemistry - and with interpretation (or perceptions) of another person's actions. If your activity is based upon feelings, you will leave that other person as soon as they do something after which you feel like leaving. 

You stay because as a human being you are capable of combining thoughts of other actions that person has done (positively toward you) - with enough of those thoughts, you can decide to stay - and as a human being you are capable of realizing (another activity that is NOT a feeling) that your feelings can change. 

A marriage is based first upon a commitment. That is a rational declaration of intent, with a promise. Feelings can ACCOMPANY (and in most cases either do - or should.) But that is the extent of the emotional basis. Think, for a moment (rather than feel) about the person who does not want to marry another. They may feel no desire, or affection for the other person - but those feelings are BASED upon ideas had about that person.

It's your ability to think that creates a relationship, and that destroys one. Feelings follow thoughts.

Hence, an affair is a fantasy, not the feelings you experience. Such an idea is irrational, unrealistic, irrelevant and nonconstructive. It may 'feel' good to say it - and even feel good to think about it - but it does not change reality.

By the way - those relationships that come out of affairs and work - only work once the affair ends. An affair can only exist as long as the people involved are married. Once the marriage ends, so does any affair. Hence it is also irrational, irrelevant and silly to claim people in affairs have real relationships. It is not real until the old one ends. Until then it is an imagined relationship, illegitimate and wrong. It is a demonstration that you are willing to break your promises when that serves you. It is a demonstration that you are willing to sacrifice anything for yourself - even your spouse. 

THAT'S why I always encourage you to return to your marriage - because the feelings you have can be changed from one person to another (over time) - and since you have already promised one person you will stay with them, it is the right thing to do to keep your word, to show that you are honorable and dependable.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Had a talk last night with my husband, he knows I'm still upset about my friend. I told him I still need to see someone for help. I don' know whats wrong with me. My husband is bending over backwards and all I can do is thinkof another man. I even e-mailed him, but no response. I know I'm an idiot. have to stop thinking about him, don't know how and told my husband all this too. Can't stand hurting him like this but I think he is alright because I was open with him. how long is this going to take. My husband was thinking earlier in thHow did I get myself in such e week that maybe its not worth it and maybe we should just end it for a while, he was thinking this a couple of days ago but now everything is ok again. I don't know HELP PLEASE! Should I maybe take the weekend and go somewhere, but I'm afraid I will end up with my friend, but don't know if he wants anything to do with me now. I"m hurting anyway I look at it. How did I get myself in such a mess?


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