# Where's the line in arguing in front of kids?



## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

So,

I've been considering divorce for a while now, and given her a few things that really push me over the limit...

Where do you draw the line when it comes to arguing in front of kids??

My wife has always fought unfairly (name calling, etc) but I always assumed it would stop with kids, but boy was I wrong... We have a 2 1/2 year old and it is literally causing me to cry as I type this when I think back of the things she has heard her mom say to me. Is this an issue for anyone else???

Maybe worst case of this was tonight...we were out trick or treating for the first time, I took some photos and was going to upload them to Facebook when out of the blue she starts screaming in our neighborhood, and I quote, "you mother f***ing *********, quite texting people and quit being such a f***ing helpless prick." Keep in mind she asked me to take some photos and post them just a few minutes prior.

Literally out of the blue and literally yelling. Thank God we were a few blocks over from our house...

I don't know what to do any more... I've told her over and over again that its killing me but she keeps doing it. And kits at the most random, non-normal-reason-to-cuss moments. 

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, I never really cuss anyways, but I sure as heck don't cuss in front of my kid.

Thanks for any opinions...


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Has she always been so angry?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> Has she always been so angry?


Yeah, pretty much...


She shows some BPD traits is what worries me the most. Very hot and cold. We once had to leave a family wedding early because we couldn't sit on the aisle (my dad was doing a reading so he needed to be in the aisle).


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

What kind of childhood did she experience?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> What kind of childhood did she experience?


Military family, lived in 6 different cities growing up, parents were married before, but didn't have children.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

And she hit me today... This is the third time in the last few months, but the first time in front of our kid. i don't keep a journal of these things, so I'm posting here so I can go back.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Can you leave, and take your child? Why are you allowing repeated physical abuse?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> Can you leave, and take your child? Why are you allowing repeated physical abuse?


Mainly because she's 8 months pregnant and, for the sake of the health of our unborn baby, I just don't want to cause that much stress.. If that makes sense?


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

MSUBearsFan said:


> Mainly because she's 7 months pregnant and, for the sake of the health of our unborn baby, I just don't want to cause that much stress.. If that makes sense?


Physical aggression of any type is completely unacceptable. Document, document, document. But make a plan to get away as soon as you're able. You must keep you and your son safe.

It is more.complicated with her being pregnant. But her behavior is unacceptable. If she's engaging in angry outbursts, harsh judgments and physical abuse, then there's already a lot of stress inside her head that could already be affecting her unborn child.

This is so sad to me. I'm praying for you.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> Physical aggression of any type is completely unacceptable. Document, document, document. But make a plan to get away as soon as you're able. You must keep you and your son safe.
> 
> It is more.complicated with her being pregnant. But her behavior is unacceptable. If she's engaging in angry outbursts, harsh judgments and physical abuse, then there's already a lot of stress inside her head that could already be affecting her unborn child.
> 
> ...


How do I document it?? She hit my on the arm, I looked today and there's nothing there... 

This morning she wonders why I'm still upset and says how unsupportive I'm being... Ugh. 


Thank you for your kind words, really made my morning better


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

MSUBearsFan said:


> How do I document it?? She hit my on the arm, I looked today and there's nothing there...
> 
> This morning she wonders why I'm still upset and says how unsupportive I'm being... Ugh.
> 
> ...


If nothing else, keep a journal so you can recall all these incidents later.

Seek legal advice. Many lawyers will give you an initial consultation for free. They can also advise you as to the appropriate ways to document all of this.

Consider getting a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and keeping it on you at all times. This will at least get an audio version of events documented.

Whatever form of documentation you choose, KEEP IT HIDDEN FROM YOUR WIFE! If she finds out what you're doing, all hell will literally break loose!

Technically, if she hits you on the arm in anger, that is considered assault in most states. If you REALLY wanted to document all of this, you could call the police. However, that's probably not the best move. If your wife is truly BPD, she could put on a convincing "show" for the cops and make them believe YOU are the abuser. Also, a call to the police would definitely escalate the emotional drama, even if the police DO believe you.

So I would seek legal advice. Find out what form of documentation is best. 

By any chance, have you talked to a professional counselor? In my own situation, I found that most helpful. The counselor was able to help me validate what I was seeing and to ensure that I wasn't just overblowing things and making them bigger than they really were. I still have times of intense self-doubt, but it would have been much, much worse had I not had my observations backed up by a trained mental health professional.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Funny... I was about to post a fines topic but was searching around for similar issues, I forgot I had posted this.

Anyways, 

Where would YOU draw the line when it comes to a spouse verbally attacking you in front of kids?? Do you give them a few warnings first? What if it keeps happening?

To be honest, my wife and I have been at a crossroads... We have a wonderful toddler and we had the baby I talked about in an earlier post in November. I chocked it all up to pregnancy hormones, but she's started to do it again. Just today, she called me a "****ing worthless a$$hole" in front of the kids after I had forgotten to throw away my can of soda from dinner. I obviously said please don't talk like that in front of them, but I'm really just not sure how much longer I can keep my cool. 

I know people talk about how awful divorce can be for kids, and the thought of not being able to spend every day with my kids makes me break down and cry, but I just can not fathom being our toddler and hearing her talk to me like this. 




On a somewhat different note, I told her tonight that I would go to counseling if she thought it would help (I, honesty, just want to go to get a professional opinion so I probably will do it anyways), and this is the reply (we were texting, I'm sleeping on the couch): "We shouldn't be together if you need a counselor to be a better husband"

WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?!?!?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Do you realize all your focus is on her?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Do you realize all your focus is on her?


What do you mean?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> What do you mean?


WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?

Sounds like you are consumed with what she is doing.

What are you doing?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> WHO THINKS LIKE THAT?
> 
> Sounds like you are consumed with what she is doing.
> 
> What are you doing?


To get her to talk like that to me, you mean?

Or is that a 'what are you doing about it'? Sorry, just want to make Sure I understand where you're going.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> To get her to talk like that to me, you mean?
> 
> Or is that a 'what are you doing about it'? Sorry, just want to make Sure I understand where you're going.


I mean, what are you doing for YOU?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I mean, what are you doing for YOU?


Nothing, I guess is the answer. I've gotten to the point where I know we just can't work I'm the back of my mind. I just can't build up the courage to do anything about it because I don't want to lose my kids. And I just know she's the type that would make the divorce ugly if we do it. I'd feel like scum if I asked for a divorce with a (relative) newborn...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> Nothing, I guess is the answer. I've gotten to the point where I know we just can't work I'm the back of my mind. I just can't build up the courage to do anything about it because I don't want to lose my kids. And I just know she's the type that would make the divorce ugly if we do it. I'd feel like scum if I asked for a divorce with a (relative) newborn...


How about setting boundaries?

That's what she really wants.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> How about setting boundaries?
> 
> That's what she really wants.


I've done it in the past, but always empty threats (what am I supposed to do, kick her out with a baby? Or leave her with the two kids?) I've said things like "of you talk to me lik this again, I'm going to leave" is that no good?

(Thank you for your help)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> I've done it in the past, but always empty threats (what am I supposed to do, kick her out with a baby? Or leave her with the two kids?) I've said things like "of you talk to me lik this again, I'm going to leave" is that no good?
> 
> (Thank you for your help)


Yet, when she treats you like crap, you still pay the bills, protect her, and make her life easy, right?


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Yet, when she treats you like crap, you still pay the bills, protect her, and make her life easy, right?


Well yeah. And took on more and work so she could take a lesser-paying/lower-stress job...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> Well yeah. And took on more and work so she could take a lesser-paying/lower-stress job...


In other words, she feeds you a shix sandwich, and you say, "Thank you"

So, you get additional shix sandwiches.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

You could say that, but I'd also be lying if my frustration hasn't started to show in me being more short with her in conversation, etc. But I feel like no matter what I do to try and help, it doesn't do any good. 

Just like this weekend I rented one of her favorite movies and set up a movie might for when the kids went to sleep. It worked and for a while we really did seem "happy," but then later on I said something about leaving my phone turned off (have to have it on for work) and that made her blow up saying that I shouldn't have to make am effort to do that... Anyways, sorry. Really hate venting. Just nowhere else to go to. 


If I do end up deciding to leave her, do you guys think I'd be judged by friends/family for doing so with two young kids??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No, you're not supposed to kick her out with the baby. If she's too evil, violent, and potty-mouthed for you to live with, she's not mother material, either. Next time she hits you, call 911 and lock the psycho up. She'll end up in front of a judge who will explain the way the world works to her and dangle jail time over her head if she can't control her temper.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Read this first.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> No, you're not supposed to kick her out with the baby. If she's too evil, violent, and potty-mouthed for you to live with, she's not mother material, either. Next time she hits you, call 911 and lock the psycho up. She'll end up in front of a judge who will explain the way the world works to her and dangle jail time over her head if she can't control her temper.


Well, thank God, she hasn't done anything like hitting. I think that was legitimately preto hormones. This other stuff, tho...


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Read this first.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


Thanks for posting.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> Thanks for posting.


You're dealing with primal forces.

The sooner you understand them, the sooner you will make sense of your relationship.


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## MSUBearsFan (Oct 12, 2012)

In front of two year old: "I dream of having a man who treats me like they care"

I was about to walk out but she started crying and I caved. Is that normal??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MSUBearsFan said:


> In front of two year old: "I dream of having a man who treats me like they care"
> 
> I was about to walk out but she started crying and I caved. Is that normal??


All too normal, but perhaps not healthy.


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