# regretting marriage in general



## Pursed_Lips (Dec 19, 2017)

to start off, i'm 31 and my husband is 35. we dated for a total of 5 years, living together for 2, before getting married earlier this year. we have no kids and don't plan on having any. we both work full time outside the home.

i think i've realized in the past few months that i don't like being married. it's not that i don't like being married to him, it's that i don't like being married at all. i honestly have no complaints about him. he's not perfect, of course, but he's a good man and loves and cares for a me a lot. i love him too but i've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i just don't think marriage is for me.

i was single for about 5 yeas before meeting my husband and, quite honestly, i loved it. sure i had some pangs of loneliness here and there but for the most part, i was happy. i had a full social life, traveled a bit, and had lots of hopes and dreams. Then i met him and we started dating and the rest is history. i said yes when he proposed because i love him and at the time i thought marriage was something i wanted. after all, that's what most women are indoctrinated to believe practically since birth.

but now that i've experienced both sides of the coin for about an equal amount of time (being single and being in a serious relationship) i've come to realize that i was happier single. i hear other women talk about how their husbands are their best friends, how their partners complete them and they couldn't see themselves living without them and, quite frankly, while i do care for my husband, i don't feel that way about him. he's not my best friend (although i am his). i'm a complete person with or without him, and i can totally imagine my life without him in it and what i imagine is awesome. 

i think i'm just too introverted or selfish for marriage. i prefer having lots of alone time and i'm not getting enough of it. i don't feel the need to hang out with or even see my husband every day. i'd be good with just seeing him once or twice a week. but of course, that's too little time together according to him and the rest of the world. i liked the way things were before we lived together. i feel stifled now. i had dreams of living in other parts of the country and even in foreign countries but my husband has no interest in moving to another city much less state. i've always dreamed of living downtown but i'm stuck in the burbs. i used to have time for hobbies and going out with friends and family but now i'm consumed with house stuff and general relationship obligations that i hardly have time for that anymore. i'm unhappy, unfulfilled, and bored. and while i don't dread him coming home from work, i don't look forward to it either. i feel jealous of my single friends who can live their lives and do as they please without the constant compromise and sacrifice that is marriage.

in short, i don't find that being married has enhanced my life in any way. i don't see the point of it for me. i guess splitting the household finances is nice but i could've gotten a roommate for that. plus i make enough to swing things on my own anyway. i know things aren't supposed to be "lovey dovey" all the time, but it has to be more than...this.

i don't know what to do. part of me wants to end things before i completely lose myself and wake up one day decades later full of regret for not doing the things i've always wanted to do. but another part of me feels like it would be unfair to him. after all, he does love me deeply (and i love him) and he would be devastated if i left. plus i made the choice to marry him so i feel like i should own that choice. especially since it's not like he's a horrible person or anything. but i don't know how long i can be part of an institution that just isn't serving me. i only get one life (that i know of) and i feel like i'm wasting it by being legally tethered to another person.

too bad i only figured all this out after tying the knot.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Marriage isn't for everyone. 

You have to be willing to compromise for the bigger unit---the couple--at times. If, as you say, you are "too introverted or selfish", then maybe marriage is not for you. 

To use a trite and overused image (but still a true one)--the marriage unit is a team, and the individual members often need to put the team goals above their individual goals in order to succeed. Not everyone wants to do that, and there's nothing wrong with that; but then, those people should not be in a marriage.

You don't have kids, and you're both still relatively young, AND have only been formally married 1 year. There will be no better time to end it than now. Your nature won't change. The sooner you end it, the more time you give him to pick up the pieces and make a real marriage with someone new.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well you better tell him. Let him get on with his life. He will get over you, I'm sure you're not cleopatra. No one wants to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to them, even if they don't know it at first. I am sure he will be happier in the long run with a spouse more invested in him. 

And you can get on to the business of you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You're simply not cut out for marriage, nothing wrong with that, neither am I.

You gave it a shot, at least now you can say you can. You are lucky to have figured this out early, once kids are involved...


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Pursed_Lips said:


> too bad i only figured all this out after tying the knot.


You don't have kids. I imagine your assets aren't entangled too much either. Better to let him go now, it will only be more complicated later, and if you are already unhappy it most likely isn't going to get any better for you. Just bite the bullet and tell him. If he's smart he won't try too hard to talk you out of it. Even if he does, you should probably stand your ground for both your sakes.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I Agree with the rest.

If your sure then tell him.just like you told us.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

so much for the live together first theory


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You didn't get an inkling of this when you were living together?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> so much for the live together first theory


If she's not the marring type, then living together first makes no difference.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

He deserves to be able to move on from you. If you're not marriage material, then you're not marriage material. Be honest with him and allow him to move on.

As for you, keep in mind that as people get older, most get married and have kids. You'll lose friends because they get busy & you'll start to have less in common with them. Your social circle will change because of this. Just something to keep in mind.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm just really puzzled, OP. Did you not notice this issue in the two years you lived together before marriage? Because it doesn't seem to be the legal tethering of marriage that's the actual problem. It seems more that you're not really cut out for the life-sharing aspect common to the majority of long-term committed relationships. It's not that you don't want to be married, it's that you don't seem to want to be in a relationship. You're happier as a single person. And you seem to see that very clearly about yourself. So, why wasn't that apparent to you at any point in the 4 years prior to your marriage? 

In any case, you absolutely must tell your husband what's up. It's grossly disrespectful of him, and unfair to him, for you to hide the truth and make decisions for him. Show him the respect and the courtesy of being honest and allowing him the opportunity to perhaps spend the remainder of his life with someone who wants to be with him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> so much for the live together first theory


Exactly. Surely 2 years is enough time to know that you are not happy being together? 

I am also an introvert, but I still love being married. BTW way your single friends are almost certainly wanting to meet that special person and not as happy as you think they are. All the single people I know would love to meet someone. 
You have made promises for better and for worse, and if you want to travel, why cant you go alone or with a friend or family member? That what a person in my family does.


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## Pursed_Lips (Dec 19, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> You didn't get an inkling of this when you were living together?


i did but whenever i would talk to people about it, they would tell me that it's normal to feel like that at first and the feelings will go away. or they would basically tell me in so many words to quit complaining since i have a good guy and many women would love to be married. so i basically shoved all my feelings aside but i'm finding that they aren't going away and i can't ignore them any longer.



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> As for you, keep in mind that as people get older, most get married and have kids. You'll lose friends because they get busy & you'll start to have less in common with them. Your social circle will change because of this. Just something to keep in mind.


yes i'm aware of this. it seems that every 6 months i find out someone i know is pregnant. as a matter of fact a friend of mine is going to be induced today. i'm at that age where everyone is starting families and that's fine, i understand. as i said before, i'm an introvert and don't mind doing things by myself. i also am open to meeting new people as well.



Diana7 said:


> Exactly. Surely 2 years is enough time to know that you are not happy being together?
> 
> I am also an introvert, but I still love being married. BTW way your single friends are almost certainly wanting to meet that special person and not as happy as you think they are. All the single people I know would love to meet someone.
> You have made promises for better and for worse, and if you want to travel, why cant you go alone or with a friend or family member? That what a person in my family does.


it's hard to explain. it's not that i'm not happy with him. he's a great guy and i do love him. i do want to be with him i just don't want to be married or at least not live together. i don't want to be a wife. to anyone. i'm okay with being a girlfriend. as i said in my original post, i would be fine seeing him once or twice a week but he would never agree to an arrangement like that and i don't blame him.

i have a couple friends who are single and hate it. in my opinion, i think they're taking their freedom for granted but i'm sure they would think i'm taking my marriage for granted. grass is always greener i guess. my issue isn't with travel per se. my husband and i do travel and i have a travel buddy as well to go to places that he isn't interested in. the thing is i want to do more than travel. i want to eventually relocate overseas but he's dead set on never living anywhere else but our current city.

i blame myself. i rushed into things not really thinking things through and ignoring my feelings. i just wish i could tell him these things in a way that he'd understand and wouldn't hurt him but i know that's impossible. i'll at least wait until after the holidays to talk to him. we have a bunch of family coming to visit next week and i don't want this looming over his head ruining the holiday while they're here. i know i should leave but a part of me says to suck it up and stay since the thought of breaking my vows for a seemingly selfish reason makes me hate myself. ugh.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

You know what to do. You're just mumbling about being unfair to him to put off the distasteful job of telling him. Here's what's unfair, continuing a sham marriage to him. The hollowness will begin to sink into him. It likely has already, but he hasn't said anything. It won't kill him. It will hurt him, but in the end he will have learned something important. 

Now this isn't meant to be a slur on you, although it will kind of sound like it. But you know, anything will be better for him than being married to you. Just as you know anything will be better than you being married to him. You made a choice to marry him. You didn't make a choice to torment him with a false marriage. You can't "honor" what you can't do. And what you clearly can't do is be his true wife to the end.

You actually could do worse than having your original post printed up and ready. Don't substitute it for telling him face to face. But the way you wrote is isn't bad at all, and it's often more clearly explained in writing. We tend to do better when we read and then think because that's our usual mode, rather than orally where we tend to be thinking hard through it and missing a lot. 

But I will say one thing more. You're resigned to this. You've integrated the reality. He hasn't had that chance yet. He may well begin darting around trying to find a way out of the disaster. It may be anger. it may be weeping. It may be bargaining, lots of what-if's and deals, what if we... how about... can't we just.... It's all normal. I believe strongly in the clean break, pulling the Band-Aid off in one stroke. By that, I mean tell him and go. Right then. Give him the fighting chance to begin accepting the truth, rather than suffering the agonies of doubt that comes from a lost love who hasn't left. This is a door he has to walk through alone. 

It will also give you a chance to see how the rest must go. Once he accepts the reality, there's a potential for a simple dissolution.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snerg said:


> If she's not the marring type, then living together first makes no difference.



If you are not the marrying type, then you are usually not the 'living together in a committed relationship' type either.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Pursed_Lips said:


> i blame myself. i rushed into things not really thinking things through and ignoring my feelings. i just wish i could tell him these things in a way that he'd understand and wouldn't hurt him but i know that's impossible. i'll at least wait until after the holidays to talk to him. we have a bunch of family coming to visit next week and i don't want this looming over his head ruining the holiday while they're here. i know i should leave but a part of me says to suck it up and stay since the thought of breaking my vows for a seemingly selfish reason makes me hate myself. ugh.


It is far more selfish to stay unhappily married for the sake of vows than to give yourself and your husband a chance at finding a good match.

I'm introverted, extra-selfish and married. I stay married not because of vows but because ultimately we accomplish our goals far better together than apart.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Pursed_Lips said:


> i hear other women talk about how their husbands are their best friends, how their partners complete them and they couldn't see themselves living without them and, quite frankly, while i do care for my husband, i don't feel that way about him. he's not my best friend (although i am his). i'm a complete person with or without him, and i can totally imagine my life without him in it and what i imagine is awesome.


You have said a couple of times that you love him. However, after seeing your other comments posted above, I assume that you mean you love him as a friend. In general, "loving one's spouse" and "imagining life without them would be awesome" do not seem very conducive.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> He deserves to be able to move on from you. If you're not marriage material, then you're not marriage material. Be honest with him and allow him to move on.
> 
> As for you, keep in mind that as people get older, most get married and have kids. You'll lose friends because they get busy & you'll start to have less in common with them. Your social circle will change because of this. Just something to keep in mind.


Still not a reason to stay in this marriage. He deserves better then to be a place mat to help her keep her social circle. Let her figure this out on her own.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Pursed_Lips said:


> igrass is always greener i guess.


Man this is a hard way to live. This basically means, "I am never happy."

You're right to wait until after the holidays, you don't want them to be associated with pain. I would at least wait until the middle of Jan.

In the end he will be MUCH better off. People want spouses who are all in. You're not. Eventually he would know. You situation is unsustainable. 

In the end there is a good possibility he will be happier then you in the long run. Especially if the top quote holds true for you. I don't think you should stay in the marriage if you really feel this way, because I don't think you love him the way you should in a marriage. However I DO think you need to get some real work done on yourself in counseling if you really feel like the top quote.

You may even want to check to see if you have clinical depression. That may change the whole nature of this situation. A clinical base Physicist might be a good investment. 

Just thank God you don't have kids. Separate as fairly as possible.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> As for you, keep in mind that as people get older, most get married and have kids. You'll lose friends because they get busy & you'll start to have less in common with them. Your social circle will change because of this. Just something to keep in mind.


Very true. I witness this with one of my coworkers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her other accounts & thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/400362-husband-not-handy.html


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Her other accounts & thread
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/400362-husband-not-handy.html


LOL knew it


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Pursed_Lips said:


> i think i'm just too introverted or selfish for marriage. i prefer having lots of alone time and i'm not getting enough of it. i don't feel the need to hang out with or even see my husband every day. i'd be good with just seeing him once or twice a week. but of course, that's too little time together according to him and the rest of the world. i liked the way things were before we lived together. i feel stifled now.


There's nothing necessarily wrong with this. You're not selfish because you're an introvert. It's something extroverted people can't understand about us introverts, we don't need or want constant interaction with people. We crave alone time to think and recharge.

People mistake introversion as being synonymous for shyness. Like we're all just wall-flowers dying for someone to bring us out of our shell for a non-stop party. Totally wrong. I'm not shy, socially awkward, or in any way lacking in self-confidence. I just don't need to constantly interact with people. I like reading alone, hiking alone, watching TV alone, gardening alone, running alone. Sometimes I do these activities with other people, but lots of times I like the peace and quiet I get from being alone.

My wife is extroverted to the extreme and we fought constantly because any of my time off of work had to be dedicated to either her and her activities or social engagements she's arranged, or helicopter parenting our kids. It made me absolutely miserable. Part of growing up is learning to be comfortable in your own skin. If you try to put your own square peg in societies round hole, you'll become depressed.

Now I'll check out for an entire Saturday to hike a mountain, or go to the gym. I'll leave the couch at 7 PM after the kids are fed and washed up and read alone in bed. She can't deal with it, but that's not my problem. I can't just be what others expect me to be or do.

You gotta be you basically...


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

More people regret marriage than those who do not. 

So you're in good company, for whatever that's worth.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Her other accounts & thread
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/400362-husband-not-handy.html





GusPolinski said:


> LOL knew it


Damn it! I didn't see that one coming! :scratchhead:


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Slartibartfast said:


> Oh, shut up. You know what to do. You're just mumbling about being unfair to him to put off the distasteful job of telling him. Here's what's unfair, continuing a sham marriage to him. The hollowness will begin to sink into him. It likely has already, but he hasn't said anything. It won't kill him. It will hurt him, but in the end he will have learned something important.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Admin: do we allow members to tell a poster to "shut-up"?????


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Admin: do we allow members to tell a poster to "shut-up"?????
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



You got a problem with a post?

Report it don't whine about it on the thread.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Show him this post.
That'll be your quick path to divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dianaelaine59 said:


> Admin: do we allow members to tell a poster to "shut-up"?????


There is a "report" button at the bottom left of every post. We mods/admins do not read every post on a thread so we don't catch everything. We rely on other posters reporting such things. What you don't do is to post this sort of thing in a thread.


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