# Oh man where do I start



## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

My husband and I separated about 3 1/2 years.

I have always had issues with self esteem. When I got married 10 years ago, I was just so happy that I had found someone who loved me that I was not thinking clearly. He wanted children badly, I wanted a career but did not know what sort of career I wanted.

Soon after getting married I was pregnant with my first child. Within 3 years I had 3 children. We had his ideal family.
He wanted a wife and mother, and out of my love for him I tried to be that very hard.

Over the years, everything snowballed. 
He was very emotionally abusive towards me and the kids (I think it is because he grew up in a house with an emotionally abusive father), so I sank into a big depression. I also started to think that I was a bit crazy. I was stuck at home with an emotionally abusive husband, no friends, and with 3 small children, two of which are severely disabled. I ended up being in such an emotional state that we separated and I had an affair. I needed something, anything, to bring me back into reality.

After my "affair" (I do not consider it an affair because he was moved out, he does because we were "working on things") we went through a lot of counselling, both couples and individual.

I have come to the realization that I am not crazy, and he has finally started to acknowledge that he has issues with Depression and Anger. I love my children more than anything, but I realized that I only had children because he wanted them, and I know that I am terribly unhappy being an at home mother. It is not who I am, some women are meant to have children and are great mothers, but I was not meant to be a mother (not that I am bad at it, I am actually pretty good at it but I was not cut out to do it emotionally) and I am currently upgrading so that I can go back to school and no longer feel so trapped.

Fast forward to now.

We have worked through the affair issues and I have worked through my emotional issues. I now know that I am unsatisfied being an at home mother, but I really have no choice because two of my kids have disabilities.
He has come to terms with the fact that they have disabilities, but he is not able to over come his anger and depression so that he can parent with me as my equal.

When he comes to visit the kids and I go through hell. He has no tolerance for our one child and ends up yelling and screaming at him most of the visit. I am tired of trying to show him how to deal with him properly because husband will not listen, and then turns it around and says I am blaming him for everything. So I then shut down so I do not have to deal with it, and when his visiting is done and he leaves, we all take a day to recover and then we are back to our normal selves.

So, I am at a loss for what to do.

The kids love him and want him to be around.
I love him and want him to be around.
No one can stand it when he is around because of his issues.
I am torn on what to do.

When the kids are not around, we have a great relationship.
We are on such different parenting pages that I want to pull my hair out.
I have tried to get him to doctors for medications for depression and he takes it for a bit and then stops claiming it does not help. I will not let him move back into the house because I know that the moment I do, that I will have lost any gains with him that I have made.

We are stuck in this vicious circle. I am pretty sure that he is a Narcissist. I do not want to abandon him because I know that he is sick, and I do not believe in a leaving someone when they are sick, but he just will not get the help that he needs and continues to blame me, the kids, his job, not being close to his family for all of his problems.

I just wish that he would see a psychiatrist.

Should I just give up??? I feel so close at making a break through with him, and we are making gains, but it is just so darn slow that I dont know how much longer I can wait.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that the two of you get along well when the children are not around. But you think he's a Narcissist.

What makes you think he's a Narcissist?


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

He has no empathy for anyone.
He is very selfish, when I pay attention to the children he sulks.
He is unable to see anything other than his own point of view.
He sulks like a baby when anyone tries to give him any sort of constructive criticism.
He is very selfish.
He is very aggressive.
Lacks patience and understanding.
He hates people who are not like him.
He is constantly in denial about his issues, they are always someone else's fault.

We get along great when the kids are not around because he gets all of my attention, so he is happy and we are not fighting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why don't you divorce him and move on?


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

Because I am hoping that he will come around and be part of the family that he wanted.

I guess that I am just so terribly frustrated at how long it is taking for progress, and I am very resentful for having to shoulder all of the responsibility of being the stable parent when it was him that wanted the family.


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## <3LoVe<3 (Jan 6, 2013)

Tougher situation when children are involved....my child has developmental problems & anxiety & frustration which comes out in anger. My ex-husband has no idea how to deal with him either. But if he is emotionally abusive with your children you should leave him asap....it is going to eventually cause more problems with your children mentally, because words can be forgiven but not forgotten. Same with you...if he is emotionally abusive to you, it will cause issues with your life also, things you can't forget. My ex-husband was physically & emotionally abusive & I have been divorced from him for 7 years....still to this day the emotional abuse is a reminder & still brings me down & causes problems.


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

Thanks for your reply.

Tonight we were texting and I told him that I will go with him to see a doctor this week so he can get something to deal with his depression and he agreed to see a Psychiatrist, but actions are louder than words.

I just feel like I am on a roller coaster.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Treading said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> Tonight we were texting and I told him that I will go with him to see a doctor this week so he can get something to deal with his depression and he agreed to see a Psychiatrist, but actions are louder than words.
> 
> I just feel like I am on a roller coaster.


If he is a Narcissist all the anti-depressants in the world will not help him. It's not treatable.

Maybe he's just a guy who is depressed due to marriage problems and his children's disabilities. Maybe getting him on antidepressants and then to a MC/family counselor who can help him learn how to deal with the children’s issues?

If you talk to him in the same manner to talk about him here, maybe he is trying to avoid that. 

When children have severe disabilities, it does lead to divorces very often. It sounds like you both need help.


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## Treading (Jan 13, 2013)

I wish his depression started after the kids.

When we first started talking to each other, he was depressed.
He was getting out of a bad relationship, and I "helped" him through it. We ended up falling in love and got married. Everything was amazing again until after we had our first child. 

We did go to a MC (several times) and we have both gone through IC (him several times). He was told to see a Psychiatrist by the councillor.

It took many years for him to learn to communicate with me. I am a talker and a thinker, and I try to work through things, he just blows at the drop of a dime.
When I listed those things about him, those were words of his own admission.
He knows that he is those things, and can admit them, but is not able to get past them.

I know I am asking a lot, insisting that he change.
Change must come from within, and a person must want to change before they can do it.

For me, I have been doing a lot to help myself.
I have been exploring my interests.
I have been finding who I am as a person, and taking the steps to make personal gains so I can be satisfied within.
I have been taking more "me" time so that I can be less stressed.
I have also been weeding out the toxic people in my life and setting standards of what I will accept so that I can have positive relationships.

Maybe I should go for another round of IC.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I suggested the counselor, and not necessarily a MC, because your husband seems to have problems handing stressful situations. He needs to learn to handle the children and help you with them. 

You going to IC will not help him handle the children. Though it might help you .

But how are you going to be able to get on with expanding your life if you have to single parent 3 children, 2 with special needs? He might be trainable.

Or he might be a needy person who needs a wife to take care of him and not have children around. I just do not know.

I've read that married men live longer than single men. And Single women live longer than married women. Food for thought.


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