# i caught my husband watching porn and girls naked picture online



## lonelywife2901 (Feb 23, 2014)

hi everyone,
i am glad to find this site to post and ask for advice about marriage...right now i am so depressed and cant even bother to move and do anything because of my husbands attitudes...
me and my husband has facebook account and i can open his account and on his activity i saw it his been searching all girls naked pictures as many as he can. this is the second time as i gave him another chance because i caught hime before and he promised not to do it again....guys is this kind of attitude of a husband normal? do i have the right to get upset because it hurt me a lot when found out about this....i felt like i was betrayed, i was cheated, and also emotionally disrespect. i am married to him and we are different nationality and at the moment i am planning to have holiday in my country and be honest i have a plan not to come back, we have a child, a boy...
guys i really need a good advice about this, i've been crying and crying myself as it is really hurt me a lot, and i have no one here to talk to i dont know anyone here, i love him thats why i came to his country but i think i dont trust him anymore. i would really appreciate any advice...thanks a lot...


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Does he prefer masturbating to the photos vs. having sex with you? How is your relationship otherwise?

If you have frequent, great sex, then his viewing some photos is a normal red-blooded male thing to do. But if he is expecting you to look like these women by criticizing you, or if he avoids sex with you and instead wants to masturbate to these photos then you have a problem.

(Occasionally masturbating to the photos isn't an issue, though. Sometimes quick release without the whole thing is what both genders want.)


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Ask your husband to deactivate the Facebook, obviously he is not using it in a healthy way. Then have a conversation how the porn is hurting your feelings. See if you can possibly watch it together as a couple. But the threat of taking a mans child away from him is a bad one. That's basically kidnapping.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

lonelywife2901 said:


> guys is this kind of attitude of a husband normal?


Yes, it is 100% normal. Every single guy on the planet with internet access either looks at porn or has looked at porn in the past:

All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph




> _do i have the right to get upset because it hurt me a lot when found out about this....i felt like i was betrayed, i was cheated, and also emotionally disrespect._


You have the right to feel however you want to feel. however, that doesn't mean you are expressing your feelings in a constructive way. By all means tell him his porn watching upsets you. However this isn't the Middle Ages anymore. *Porn is not such a serious offense that it warrants taking a boy away from his father* (unless you live in a country like Saudi Arabia or Iran where porn is a serious legal offense). 

Your husband was wrong to look at porn after he agreed to stop. But judging by your extreme reaction, I'm guessing he felt like he had to lie in order to keep the peace. 



> _guys i really need a good advice about this, i've been crying and crying myself as it is really hurt me a lot, and i have no one here to talk to_


Then your next step is to find someone to talk to! If you haven't made any friends yet than I highly recommend a therapist or marriage counselor to help you deal with this issue. Frankly, your reactions are unhealthy; you shouldn't base your self-image on whether or not your husband looks at porn. 

You say you love your husband. Then my personal advice would be to take a deep breath, watch some porn with your husband, and keep loving him as much as you can.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

One small study of men in their 20's which claims "all men watch porn" is simply inaccurate and misleading.

Another later study reported in the Telegraph contradicts: "Previous research has found that six in 10 boys in Britain under 16 have watched pornography, either accidentally or deliberately."


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I used to watch some porn, not huge amounts. Now, it has been a while since I looked at any, but I am not sure that threats from my wife would have helped.
Addiction is the wrong word, but people become acclimatised to having porn, just like people wanting the TV on the whole time. 
I know this is not an easy answer to read, but I do not think what he did is that serious. It seems he was being discreet, which is the best that can be expected. In future, I suspect he will be far more discreet. 
I have not looked at porn for a while, but I would not be able to promise I never would again.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

not recognizable said:


> Another later study reported in the Telegraph contradicts: "Previous research has found that six in 10 boys in Britain under 16 have watched pornography, either accidentally or deliberately."


Children are a different issue. Boys under 16 aren't men yet, so that survey does not contradict anything. No one claimed that every boy out there has seen porn.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

not recognizable said:


> *One small study of men in their 20's which claims "all men watch porn" is simply inaccurate and misleading.*
> 
> Another later study reported in the Telegraph contradicts: "Previous research has found that six in 10 boys in Britain under 16 have watched pornography, either accidentally or deliberately."


True. The title is very misleading. However, opening up the article and reading it clarified that the majority have at least been exposed to it at some point in their lives, whether intentional or not. However, it doesn't mean that into adulthood and/or once they are married they continue to do so. And, it doesn't mean that some, when exposed to it, don't find it disgusting. There truly are some men who feel this way about porn, in any form. 

As for the OP, my question for her is whether she made it known from the very start that porn was unacceptable to her. I am one who feels porn has no place in my marriage. Fortunately, I married a man who completely agrees with me. But we made our views known from the start. If either of us had a different POV on the subject, and we didn't make that clear from the start, then we couldn't expect either to comply with an unknown rule (for lack of a better term). I'm sure others can express this sentiment better. Look, there's nothing wrong with not liking porn. There's nothing wrong with being upset about your spouse watching/looking at it. However, how you handle it is important. Taking your child, with the intent of never returning is NOT the way to address it. Tbh I'd suggest counseling. Not just for you, OP, but for both of you. Figure out why you don't like it, why he watches it, and if there is a way to sort it out to make both parties happy...or at least sort it in such a way that you don't take your child away from his dad.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

richie33 said:


> Ask your husband to deactivate the Facebook, obviously he is not using it in a healthy way.


This is good advice, however, there is nothing to stop him from creating a new "fake" Facebook account on his phone or laptop and continuing the behavior in secret. The issue isn't the Facebook account, it's that he is ignoring the fact that this is degrading to you, he is not listening what you have to say on the matter, and he is not respecting your feelings.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your post reminds me of myself -but not near as extreme... I was a christian in our early marriage -yet I KNEW my husband always looked at Playboy magazine in his youth....had 300 under his bed and everything he learned about sex was in those magazines...(being his only partner, I am thankful)... I didn't think about it too much...but he didn't hide if from me...and in my head..."boys will be boys".. ya know...

Then we got the internet so many yrs into our marriage... looking back I can laugh at this but as soon as we got it... the next day after he was on there... Naked women were popping up uncontrollably on my screen, seemed my desktop was changed...boy was I pi$$ed... I called Dell and told them what MY husband was up to, and throughout our marriage...I'd find folders filled with these playboy bunnies...he was always collecting them ... I'd start to delete them, I cried one time...

He tried to stop doing it, he hated seeing me upset, but it's the ONE THING IN OUR MARRIAGE he struggled to stop... and looking back.. ya know , I was NOT there enough for HIM.. so shame on me..he wanted more sex in the am...but instead of pushing me he would jump on the net before work a little...and look at these...

But here is the thing....he NEVER denied my needs, in fact I didn't know this back THEN, but he didn't even masturbate to them..(and yes I believe him givin the exchange we had )...he told me 5 yrs ago he felt that would be like "cheating" (his words)...... which really surprised me ...he had 0 reason to lie ....as I have looked at hot guys and done that... so heck I am worse than he was [email protected]# which only made ME look bad -so I had to tell him I was the cheater (and of course I wasn't a cheater)... we were missing each other..

My point in this is... I , too , believe the very best of men do this...and as EnjoliWoman so well explained...what matters is ...is he there for you, do you feel greatly loved, cared for, sexually satisfied... often our sex drives are lower then our husbands and this is an outlet...so they will not badger us 3 times a day for sexual release... which many wives would be beating them off...even find themselves resentful -like all they want is sex.. How in the world my husband contained himself.. I will never understand... today we both enjoy some porn, he has a massive collection of these bunnies and I'm cool with it... we save every release for each other.. and have lots more sex. 

There is a reason books like this are so popular...(written for christian men, even they struggle very much here)...

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series): Stephen Arterburn



> The challenge every man faces...the fight every man can win!
> 
> From movies and television, to print media and the Internet, men are constantly faced with the assault of sensual images. It is impossible to avoid such temptations... but, thankfully, not impossible to confront them and gain victory over them!
> 
> ...


If it is something he wants to lay down ...but struggles to do, support him... but some men don't want to lay it down.. as a woman I would be upset if my husband wanted me to stop looking at some porn, I ENJOY it... and am thankful we can enjoy it together... 

Porn is something that should be discussed openly while dating...though even our feelings can change as Mine did later on in our marriage... 

This is another great book -where the husband and wife disagrees but they worked through it together, listening to each others side.. I believe in the end, he GAVE IT UP...but it was his choice to do ...could be very helpful for some marriages...

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship: Books



> Love and Pornography chronicles a couple's struggle to find the openness, honesty and integrity to deal with a subject that is detested by some yet captivating, even compulsive to others. The authors' compassionate nonjudgmental message will defuse the polarized dialogue around porn. Providing the tools to understand the needs on both sides, this ground-breaking approach promotes the insight and awareness necessary to move beyond the conflict and emerge with a relationship stronger, more loving, and more resilient than ever before.
> 
> Flash! Love and Pornography is the winner of the Silver Medal for Sexuality and Relationships in the Independent Publishers Book Awards for 2010. It was also selected as a finalist in the 2010 Book of the Year Awards by Foreword Magazine, a leading journal in the publishing industry.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Okay, yes, I do think the majority of men do watch porn, my husband does and so do I, but i have to say i think if i went on to my husbands Facebook page and saw he was looking at as many girls pictures as he could, I think i would be a little downhearted.

Facebook????? Naked pictures of women on there.???.

Watching a bit of porn an trawling through lot and lots of naked pictures of woman a bit different in my book, but that is just me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

melw74 said:


> Facebook????? Naked pictures of women on there.???.


I was thinking the same thing, where is THAT on Facebook ?? didn't even know it was allowed... even You Tube has some Skin filters doesn't it ....
at least I was under that impression.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was thinking the same thing, where is THAT on Facebook ?? didn't even know it was allowed... even You Tube has some Skin filters doesn't it ....
> at least I was under that impression.


It's not allowed. Or rather, Facebook CLAIMS it's not allowed. Not even supposed to be DRAWINGS of that sort of thing. Yet, if you report them, they don't do anything about it. But, really, if you do PMs with someone, Facebook can't control what you send in a PM. So, porn/naked pics can easily be sent that way. Also, even if those previously mentioned pics get reported, they don't act on it immediately, so yes, there are some who get away with it...for a short time, at least.


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> i am glad to find this site to post and ask for advice about marriage...right now i am so depressed and cant even bother to move and do anything because of my husbands attitudes...
> me and my husband has facebook account and i can open his account and on his activity i saw it his been searching all girls naked pictures as many as he can.


So what did you learn about snooping in other people lives? 

Spouse or not unless you have been given permission or had serious legal or ethical concerns to go and dig through their online accounts what you did was wrong in my book.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was thinking the same thing, where is THAT on Facebook ?? didn't even know it was allowed... even You Tube has some Skin filters doesn't it ....
> at least I was under that impression.


I am quite sure you cant have naked pictures on there.

My friend put up a picture, All i know it was a joke with a picture of a willy.

Well the next day we went on Facebook and it had been removed from her timeline, and from mine where she also posted it..... It became a joke with us WHERES WILLY.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

married tech said:


> So what did you learn about snooping in other people lives?
> 
> Spouse or not unless you have been given permission or had serious legal or ethical concerns to go and dig through their online accounts what you did was wrong in my book.


Huh? She wasn't in someone else's home looking through their computer. They are married and what he does affects her life and she sure as hell doesn't need permission to look through something in her own home.

People give up the right to that sort of privacy when they get married.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

To me the very act of hiding something means he knows he shouldn't be doing it. If if bothers her he should give it up. If he doesn't it would make me wonder if he cared more about the porn than he did me. If he is doing this a lot, collecting pictures of women, I would also wonder if he had a porn addiction.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

married tech said:


> So what did you learn about snooping in other people lives?
> 
> Spouse or not unless you have been given permission or had serious legal or ethical concerns to go and dig through their online accounts what you did was wrong in my book.


Most people don't start snooping unless they have been given a reason to believe they are with someone they can't trust. If you are married and keeping secrets involving other women/men that is worse than snooping. Considering the STD's better know where you stand with someone. Just asking will often just get you lied to.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have seen when Facebook take off porn pictures too, even just breastfeeding. There really isn't a lot of actual porn on there. Mostly just half naked women. With the amount of actual porn you could easily find in other places, choosing facebook to do it just seems silly to me. Google search would be better. 

But I agree that taking his son away from him to stay in a different country is extreme so you should really think about if the crime fits the punishment.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> It's not allowed. Or rather, Facebook CLAIMS it's not allowed. Not even supposed to be DRAWINGS of that sort of thing. Yet, if you report them, they don't do anything about it. But, really, if you do PMs with someone, Facebook can't control what you send in a PM. So, porn/naked pics can easily be sent that way. Also, even if those previously mentioned pics get reported, they don't act on it immediately, so yes, there are some who get away with it...for a short time, at least.


Facebook have a difficult job. What seems perfectly innocent nudity in Europe will be considered porn in the USA, so in Europe Facebook censorship is often seen as over the top. 

The OP should make her lack of comfort clear to him. However, there are two truths: most husbands will look at porn and most wives will 'accidentally' check their husband's internet history and email.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

married tech said:


> So what did you learn about snooping in other people lives?
> 
> Spouse or not unless you have been given permission or had serious legal or ethical concerns to go and dig through their online accounts what you did was wrong in my book.


Other peoples lives??.... Can we really class her husband being just any other person, He married her.... she is his life.

She snooped, but she thought she had a good reason to, its not something i would do, but My husband can snoop if he feels the need, same goes for me.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> Maricha75 said:
> 
> 
> > It's not allowed. Or rather, Facebook CLAIMS it's not allowed. Not even supposed to be DRAWINGS of that sort of thing. Yet, if you report them, they don't do anything about it. But, really, if you do PMs with someone, Facebook can't control what you send in a PM. So, porn/naked pics can easily be sent that way. Also, even if those previously mentioned pics get reported, they don't act on it immediately, so yes, there are some who get away with it...for a short time, at least.
> ...


Yes and no. I have seen them remove breastfeeding pics but allow pics of a penis. Their TOS state that no nudity is allowed, at all. They are very inconsistent.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thebes said:


> Most people don't start snooping unless they have been given a reason to believe they are with someone they can't trust. If you are married and keeping secrets involving other women/men that is worse than snooping. Considering the STD's better know where you stand with someone. Just asking will often just get you lied to.


 I am going to say ...it's not always this black & white... for me... it was pure curiosity...might not have even clicked on his page, but he left it open when he went to work..

I've never felt, since I met my husband that he'd do anything to hurt me... I still believe that...

I am having a conversation with him right now about this...(back in the day when I WAS UPSET)... he said he laid off for a while, feeling bad how I felt...ya now he tried to honor that... but then after awhile he made some *hidden files* -he says... "we all have our addictions ya know"... (easy to admit to me NOW since I like a little porn too!)..... 

I am not upset hearing this.. *I want his honesty*... am I surprised.. ..not at all..... I think if a woman lays down the law...a "here is the door" way of talking about this....the man may be tempted to just hide it* to keep the peace*... it's just not an easy thing for all to give up...

I don't look at him as a bad man for this..It would be wholly different if he was using it over me or I felt he was pining for another woman...of course we want to feel our Lover's #1...his everything...that he comes to us for comfort, we FEEL his desire for us... he longs to make love to us.... so long as all of this is happening....please be careful to not overreact too bad..or he could push away... and just hide. Just trying to share the reality here.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maybe the OP and her husband are religious folks?

If that is the case , then I can understand why she feels the way she feels.
However I don't think its an issue worth ending a marriage over , unless there are deeper issues involved and areas of overlap.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Does he prefer masturbating to the photos vs. having sex with you? How is your relationship otherwise?
> 
> If you have frequent, great sex, then his viewing some photos is a normal red-blooded male thing to do. But if he is expecting you to look like these women by criticizing you, or if he avoids sex with you and instead wants to masturbate to these photos then you have a problem.
> 
> (Occasionally masturbating to the photos isn't an issue, though. Sometimes quick release without the whole thing is what both genders want.)


I agree with you. I'd bet that a fair number of men here have taken a peek or two at internet porn. I'd also bet that a number of women have done the same thing.

You've asked the crucial questions. If it has affected your sex life in a negative way, then there is trouble. If he's an idiot and expects you to look like those women or act like them, then there is bigger trouble.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Originally Posted by not recognizable


> Another later study reported in the Telegraph contradicts: "Previous research has found that six in 10 boys in Britain under 16 have watched pornography, either accidentally or deliberately."





Theseus said:


> Children are a different issue. Boys under 16 aren't men yet, so that survey does not contradict anything. No one claimed that every boy out there has seen porn.


When I was 14, back a long way in time, I was already a porn afficionado. Of course there was no internet, but there were pictures and 8mm films. And I was NOT unusual in my age group.


----------



## Kria (Aug 4, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Does he prefer masturbating to the photos vs. having sex with you? How is your relationship otherwise?
> 
> If you have frequent, great sex, then his viewing some photos is a normal red-blooded male thing to do. But if he is expecting you to look like these women by criticizing you, or if he avoids sex with you and instead wants to masturbate to these photos then you have a problem.
> 
> (Occasionally masturbating to the photos isn't an issue, though. Sometimes quick release without the whole thing is what both genders want.)


Why is this kind of behavior considered acceptable by some people in a committed relationship or marriage? It shouldn't be. Why be in a relationship or marriage then? If a person wants to be turned on when their partner isn't available, why not imagine your spouse in your head or just look at pictures of your spouse? Why bring a third party into it?


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Kria said:


> Why is this kind of behavior considered acceptable by some people in a committed relationship or marriage? It shouldn't be. Why be in a relationship or marriage then? If a person wants to be turned on when their partner isn't available, why not imagine your spouse in your head or just look at pictures of your spouse? Why bring a third party into it?


So.... let's say a person gets married at 20 years old, and they live until they are 80. 

For 60 years, do you really expect that person to have sexual fantasies about their spouse only? Is that at all realistic?

BTW, a lot of spouses (unfortunately) refuse to give their partner naked/arousing photos or videos of themselves anyway.


----------



## 40 years (Feb 24, 2014)

I have been married to my husband for 40 years and for all this time he has struggled with porn addiction. 
I did not know this was an issue until about 8 years into our marriage.
We have gone to counselors and he had made so many promises to quit than I cannot even begin to count them. 
The issue now is that I found him still using. 
Why am I surprised!
I know I cannot change him in this regard.
I am so deeply hurt and feel so betrayed.
The thing is that he has bonded with this stuff to the point that he can no longer have sex with me.
He has always had performance issues. This has come and gone depending how her feels about himself.
The other issue is that I have aged gracefully and look very good for my age. He on the other hand has been over weight and has health issues related to this.
I have always been available to him sexually and I am willing to have sex any time he wants. I have a good sex drive. I am still very attractive fit and healthy. I still have guys coming on to me all the time. I dress the way he wants me to. Very sexy. I have always been a very beautiful desirable woman.
Am I obligated to continue in a relationship without sex? The thing is I do love him. In so many ways he is a good man but this addiction is killing any hope I have in this relationship.
He uses all his sexual energy for porn!
We have three adult children and 7 grandchildren and I do not want them to suffer by a divorce. I know what divorce does to families and I do not want to put them through that.
How many years do I have left to even be sexual? I have given him all my youth hoping for change but I know this is futile.


----------



## Kria (Aug 4, 2013)

Theseus said:


> So.... let's say a person gets married at 20 years old, and they live until they are 80.
> 
> For 60 years, do you really expect that person to have sexual fantasies about their spouse only? Is that at all realistic?
> 
> BTW, a lot of spouses (unfortunately) refuse to give their partner naked/arousing photos or videos of themselves anyway.


It's not impossible. It's as realistic or unrealistic as people want it to be. Just like a person married at 20 may stayed married until 80 or divorced before 80, a person can also keep certain thoughts in their mind or put certain thoughts out of their mind. It's whatever a person decides to focus on. It's a choice.

By the way, a person should know what their spouse looks like naked without necessarily needing a picture. It's called imagination.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Kria said:


> It's not impossible. It's as realistic or unrealistic as people want it to be. Just like a person married at 20 may stayed married until 80 or divorced before 80, a person can also keep certain thoughts in their mind or put certain thoughts out of their mind. It's whatever a person decides to focus on. It's a choice.
> 
> By the way, a person should know what their spouse looks like naked without necessarily needing a picture. It's called imagination.


You will not find a male partner who, if being honest with you, will be able to keep such a promise, were he even willing to try. 

You may not like biology, but you will have to deal with it sooner or later. Your husband has had sexual thoughts about other women, and if he tells you otherwise, he is lying, or he is one of the twelve men on earth for whom this is the truth.


----------



## ninjamonkey (Nov 26, 2013)

@40 years

I am so sorry to hear about what you are facing in your marriage. I know there is a lot of pain there, and I was hurting with you as you described your situation. Have you heard of the book, _Love Must Be Tough_? It is written only for spouses who find themselves in situations similar to yours and, although some of its wisdom can feel unconventional at first blush, it is also surprisingly encouraging (and effective). I think you may find some solid help and insight there.

@lonelywife2901

Actually, I think the same book could be helpful for you, @lonelywife2901, if other avenues of help don't seem to be helping. For what you are facing right now, have you guys talked about or considered the possibility of counseling? Also, I think the little book _HELP! He's Struggling with Pornography_ by Brian Croft might give you some good insight into what you (and he) are going through with this struggle.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Cletus said:


> You will not find a male partner who, if being honest with you, will be able to keep such a promise, were he even willing to try.
> 
> You may not like biology, but you will have to deal with it sooner or later. Your husband has had sexual thoughts about other women, and if he tells you otherwise, he is lying, or he is one of the twelve men on earth for whom this is the truth.


It's the same for many women; I can't say most of course. But we have sexual thoughts about other men; in the past there weren't many visual aids so to speak, so women got their porn via "bodice ripper" novels.

But that doesn't mean we don't want to be the only woman who turns a man we adore on.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

40 years said:


> I have been married to my husband for 40 years and for all this time he has struggled with porn addiction.
> I did not know this was an issue until about 8 years into our marriage.
> *We have gone to counselors and he had made so many promises to quit than I cannot even begin to count them.
> The issue now is that I found him still using.
> ...


You are a amazingly faithful wife who has stood by her man, I COULD NOT DO THIS in your situation, I would have to get out, I may not be against a little porn but when it takes over a man's life as you have described here.....this would be any wife's mortal enemy....the height of betrayal - to the wedding vows to love & cherish....

Does he even WANT HELP or has he given up? How you have not been eaten alive with resentment, I would not begin to understand... not all men can handle porn.. sounds this is compounded by his performance issues... unfortunate many feel such shame here they can not face their wives...so he has then drowned himself in a world of porn instead of dealing head on , bravely... working with you.... 

So many aids out there today ... "Sensate Focus" exercises for Premature Ejaculation, erection enhancers, penis rings, even a pump if all else fails.. to restore sexual function..It's a great day to live!

You've probably read addiction books... here is one focused on Sexual issues...pretty much lays out the exercises a Sex Therapist would give in her office...minus the cost....Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems: Barbara Keesling Ph.D.:  Just a thought...that and his doing a 10 step program for addiction ....otherwise, it seems your hands are tied.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband's behavior is normal.
You are a woman, you cannot know what it means to have the sex drive of a man. Nor can you know what it means to have the visual sex drive of a man.

From what you describe, he is searching for naked pictures. Why do you think there exists so much porn on the internet? Why is it primarily aimed toward men?

What you are contemplating, breaking up your child's family, is far more eggegious and wrong then looking at porn and masturbating.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Your husband's behavior is normal.
> You are a woman, you cannot know what it means to have the sex drive of a man. Nor can you know what it means to have *the visual sex drive of a man.*
> 
> From what you describe, he is searching for naked pictures. Why do you think there exists so much porn on the internet? Why is it primarily aimed toward men?
> ...


What do blind men do?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What do blind men do?


A lot more than the poor guys born without hands.

Not that the question wasn't a fascinating red herring.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You call it a red herring and I call it a legitimate question. The idea that men are so much more 'visual' than women is bogus.

It's doubtful that men who are blind have fewer fantasies than the sighted. All without the benefit of 'visual' stimulation.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You call it a red herring and I call it a legitimate question. The idea that men are so much more 'visual' than women is bogus.


When women can rotate 3D objects in their mind with the same facility that a man does, you'll have a point to make. Until then, all the neurological evidence points to men really being more visual than women. It's even measurable in brain scans. 

Sorry, but the science just doesn't agree with you.



> It's doubtful that men who are blind have fewer fantasies than the sighted. All without the benefit of 'visual' stimulation.


And from this we should conclude what? That because blind men can have fantasies that sighted men shouldn't have access to visual stimulation?


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

"You are a woman, you cannot know what it means to have the sex drive of a man"

That is a myth.. ALL HUMANS are visual and visually stimulated. That's just one of the excuses men have. Women are subtle, but trust me we are looking and we are reacting.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Sure. What is your source on this? And rotating 3_D objects makes men more sexually stimulated visually.

It's a load of BS. I'm beginning to think that some men repeat this nonsense like a mantra because they are threatened that women might think just like they do.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> You call it a red herring and I call it a legitimate question. The idea that men are so much more 'visual' than women is bogus.
> 
> It's doubtful that men who are blind have fewer fantasies than the sighted. All without the benefit of 'visual' stimulation.


I wonder what his "scientific" source is.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Study Finds Male And Female Brains Respond Differently To Visual Stimuli -- ScienceDaily

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/808430_1

Sex Differences in Response to Visual Sexual Stimuli: A Review

Spatial visualization ability - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'm willing to bet that most men wish that women reacted more like they did sexually and visually... imagine, one well placed sexy picture, and bye bye low drive wife, hello sexy time.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Debunking The "Only Men Are Visual" Myth - Good Women Project

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sex-lies-men-myths-0217137


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Scientific arguments can be found for both sides...I've got almost six hundred million results when I googled it.

New brain research challenges the myth that men are more visual than women.
----------------
Below is "just" excerpts from a blog, not scientific, but I think it raises some good points. It does have the unfortunate tendency to drag religion into it.

"So are you ready for this? That stuff is just not true. Men and women are different; that’s awesome, hooray. And I think mothers and fathers need to encourage their daughters (and sons!) to dress and comport themselves with modesty and dignity… but y’all, come on: we can’t just look at men, extrapolate from their experiences and preferences, and then assume women are the opposite. It’s lazy. It’s ridiculous. Women are women, humans made in God’s image in their own right, not just un-men. People will often cite these mysterious “studies” in which it is “proven” that women are more into words and men are more into pictures. But let me tell you why I have a problem with that.

First, I’m not sure you can deduce biological causality about men’s wiring from actions and characteristics that could just as easily be attributed to cultural expectations about how men act and what they like. A boy who’s grown up in our porn-saturated, women-as-props-in-male-fantasies society is not exactly a good control subject for an experiment designed to reveal pure biology. Second, just anecdotally, I don’t know one (straight) woman who isn’t physically attracted to the hotness of “hot” guy, whatever her definition of “hot” is. No, not every woman finds shirtless Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love attractive, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t visually stimulated for goodness’ sake. I also don’t know any men who don’t care about personality or character when choosing a potential spouse. And regarding that last point, I think it’s terribly insulting to men to imply that they’re basically just big hairy bundles of id, derping along until they find themselves in proximity to a hot, immodestly-dressed woman, whereupon they can do nothing but fall immediately into sexual sin...."

In addition to that issue, there’s also the fact that pornography use among women has skyrocketed in the last few years; among older teens and women in their early 20s, rates are rapidly approaching those of men of the same age. When we constantly beat the drum of Men Being Visual And Women Being Emotional, we are driving women who struggle in this area into seclusion and shame; when we offer resources to conquer porn addictions primarily in the context of men’s accountability groups, or hasten to add, “We know this won’t apply to most of you ladies” when teaching about pornography, or in any other way make sexual sin a male or female thing, we are heaping condemnation on these sisters, who now have to deal with feeling like freaks because they’re struggling with something that “isn’t really a woman problem.”

“Women Aren’t as Visual as Men” and Other Dangerous Lies | A Wilderness Life


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> When women can rotate 3D objects in their mind with the same facility that a man does, you'll have a point to make. Until then, all the neurological evidence points to men really being more visual than women. It's even measurable in brain scans.
> 
> Sorry, but the science just doesn't agree with you.
> 
> ...


What does it matter if men can rotate 3D objects in their mind when some can't even find their butts with both hands. It is difficult to believe in their superior ability when so many claim they truly can not see that trail of hairballs that needs to be cleaned up or they can't find their socks in their own sock drawer.

You should conclude that visual stimulation is not a hard-wired need for a healthy sex life.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

not recognizable said:


> I wonder what his "scientific" source is.


Seems jaharthur did a reasonable job of providing a starting point. So you can take your double quotes and stuff 'em in yer ear.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Lots of male bashing in this thread.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I see it as B.S. bashing. Must be my x-ray vision.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In the era of the near-complete anonymity of the internet, if women are as typically aroused visually as are men, we'd have nearly equal gender distribution for pornography use.

That the real difference is more like an order of magnitude tells the real tale.


----------



## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

i would offer two insights:

1. most men (except the most prudish) have/do look at porn. just a fact of life.

2. i too wasn't aware that it could be on facebook. if he's just looking, that's one thing. i wouldn't be personally bothered by it. but if he's reaching out to these people, then it's another. then you have cause for concern. if not, then your thoughts about not coming home aren't warranted.


----------



## not recognizable (Mar 19, 2011)

Cletus said:


> In the era of the near-complete anonymity of the internet, if women are as typically aroused visually as are men, we'd have nearly equal gender distribution for pornography use.
> 
> That the real difference is more like an order of magnitude tells the real tale.


Most of the women I know look at it. Cletus.

Edit: anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread, or continue to talk to you. So I'm out.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

not recognizable said:


> Wrong, cletus.
> Scared aren't you?


Of dying before I get to enjoy my retirement? Sure. Of living in a world with a decimated environment? Absolutely. Of one day getting into a horrible wreck on my motorcycle? A little.

'Fraid you're going to have to be a lot more specific. Am I afraid that women really are just as visually aroused as are men? Why the Capital F would I care one way or another if that was the reality?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

The amount of misogyny on this thread is really just amazing. In fact, I'm going to bust out the first line of defense that feminists have against arguments that women and men are different. Are you ready? Here it comes.

Wow, just wow.

I mean, I know that brain scans and peer reviewed scientific journals show that men and women think differently about sex. But those things are obviously misogynistic.

What really counts is an individual woman's feelings. And I'm going to say that, if a woman feeeels like she's the same as a man, well that pretty much settles the scientific debate in my book.

And we don't even have to stop there. We also have a blogger who also feeels like men and women are the same. And, one of the women in this thread has a circle of friends who also, apparently, behave similar to men.

So, I mean, what more do you want? Are you going to trust an MRI machine that can show brain activity without bias? Or are you going to trust the solipsism of a woman (or two)?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Kidnapping your children over an issue like this is wrong on so many levels. It would make you a truly evil person. Not to mention it's illegal.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> The amount of misogyny on this thread is really just amazing. In fact, I'm going to bust out the first line of defense that feminists have against arguments that women and men are different. Are you ready? Here it comes.
> 
> Wow, just wow.
> 
> ...


However much you get flamed for this and regardless of whether you might be right or wrong, you deserve credit for your tour de force exhibition of sarcasm.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

not recognizable said:


> Most of the women I know look at it. Cletus.
> 
> Edit: anyway, I don't want to hijack the thread, or continue to talk to you. So I'm out.


Sure wish I knew what exactly I'd done to get such a load of vitriol from someone I've never exchanged so much as a "howdy do" with before.

Can't imagine what makes anyone so spite filled.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Sure wish I knew what exactly I'd done to get such a load of vitriol from someone I've never exchanged so much as a "howdy do" with before.
> 
> Can't imagine what makes anyone so spite filled.


It's the teeth. Can't you see a dentist or something?


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> In the era of the near-complete anonymity of the internet, if women are as typically aroused visually as are men, we'd have nearly equal gender distribution for pornography use.
> 
> That the real difference is more like an order of magnitude tells the real tale.


Yes, but the real tale it tells is *not* that men are more biologically wired to be visual. 

Rather, it reminds us that there is a massive double standard where women are shamed for their sexuality, whereas men are congratulated and encouraged. And further, that most porn is specifically geared towards male sexuality and depicts women as mere pliable objects that only exist for pleasing men.

Perhaps you can see why many women would find this less than sexy?

In addition the articles "proving" men are more visual are very explicit that socialization is a significant variable in arousal responses, along with the image depicted, individual hormone levels and other factors. And given this, and that such things *also* affect MRI results (neuroplasticity and all), the supposed sex differences are more *assumed* than they are proven. The metastudy posted earlier, in fact, points this out at the outset.

Of course, a lot of men are reluctant to admit that women too might be just as visually oriented. They are perfectly happy with a status quo where they get to drool over every hot chick, but start getting a bit uncomfortable once they realize their wives and gfs might have wandering eyes. 

You yourself have noticed this.

The whole "men are visual" shtick is, IMHO, just a way of justifying a status quo where he preserves his right to an endless stream of porn, pursue endless variety in women and sexual fantasies, and treat women like objects, while expecting her to sit quietly at home knitting, and of course thinking only of him. And woe betide her, if she dare to object, as he will defend to his death his right and need for this, while demeaning her, as women "aren't like that".

Personally, I have zero respect for this double standard, or for the proclivity to treat women as objects. 

As for whether it is worth ending a relationship over, I think that's up to the partners.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Can someone arguing the female side answer a straight up question for me?

I am told in this thread that females are equally stimulated by visual sensation as men. I am also told in this thread that female sex drive is equal to men's. Then it should follow that if my girlfriend finds me attractive, simply disrobing is enough to get her in the mood most nights.

I am told in other threads that women's sex drive is lower, is responsive, is based on emotional connection, or is based on how the woman feels about the rest of the relationship. 

So which is it? Men's sex drive is so high that most of the time, they can have sex even if the relationship isn't all that great, or if there is a hairball on the floor, or whatever, and their SO undressing is usually enough to get things going assuming a bit of attraction.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Yes, but the real tale it tells is *not* that men are more biologically wired to be visual.
> 
> Rather, it reminds us that there is a massive double standard where women are shamed for their sexuality, whereas men are congratulated and encouraged. And further, that most porn is specifically geared towards male sexuality and depicts women as mere pliable objects that only exist for pleasing men.
> 
> Perhaps you can see why many women would find this less than sexy?


A perfectly plausible, if completely unproven hypothesis.

The anonymity of the internet should do wonders at reducing such a potential double standard, and we find that there are groups/individuals who are producing female friendly pornography. But we don't yet see women flocking to the computer, nor do we hear stories from men starting with "My wife masturbates at the computer but won't come near me".

So I'll concede the possibility that this is an artifact of socialization, but only with a healthy portion of skepticism.



> The whole "men are visual" shtick is, IMHO, just a way of justifying a status quo where he preserves his right to an endless stream of porn, pursue endless variety in women and sexual fantasies, and treat women like objects, while expecting her to sit quietly at home knitting, and of course thinking only of him.


I think it's clear that I don't belong to this camp. I don't care if women want less/more/no porn in their life, only that if a gender difference exists, we are not too afraid to admit it. I for one believe such a difference is real and quantifiable, and don't intend to use it as justification for anything other than the search for the truth.

I have no ax to grind in the matter. Can you say the same? My wife is free to visit as many pornographic sites as she sees fit to do so. That number is by all estimates exactly 0.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Can someone arguing the female side answer a straight up question for me?
> 
> I am told in this thread that females are equally stimulated by visual sensation as men. I am also told in this thread that female sex drive is equal to men's. Then it should follow that if my girlfriend finds me attractive, simply disrobing is enough to get her in the mood most nights.
> 
> ...


I have a HD, for me that means I want an O anywhere from 4 times a week to 3 times a day. I am also very visually stimulated, I usually watch porn but can also be fine with written material. 
Still pictures don't do much of anything for me, likewise my man disrobing and standing there would do nothing. There's not really a sexy move he could do to help (like a woman would do stripping) I guess he could waggle things around but I doubt that would help.  
A lot of women are turned on by the male stripper thing though so we are obviously all different. 

As for the emotional aspect of it- like I said, I want an O that many times/week or day. That doesn't mean I always want sex. My mind can stop me from being able to enjoy sex with a partner because it's a vulnerable act where I have to open up to enjoy it, if my mind isn't there I won't O, therefore will be less likely to want sex. I can O in almost any situation by myself though, and do. This could be a reason why you see some women LD who would otherwise enjoy sex more if they were with the right partner. So basically, my drive and stimulation wants may be the same as some men but my ability to O from sex is not. That's where the difference is for me. 

Then there are women who's hormones are all out of wack since we are the ones going through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and birth control pills. Plus there's the slvt shaming aspect of it all, making us feel bad for wanting sex. It all contributes IMO.

I think it would be very hard to take away all outside factors when it comes to testing drives, sexual wants and stimulation for each gender.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> But we don't yet see women flocking to the computer, nor do we hear stories from men starting with "My wife masturbates at the computer but won't come near me".


You haven't been reading TAM closely enough. There have been a number of threads of men complaining about women masturbating to porn instead of having sex with them. True, women do seem to be more inclined to use imagination or literature, but more and more are turning to the Internet. I bet the # of threads will increase accordingly.



Cletus said:


> My wife is free to visit as many pornographic sites as she sees fit to do so. That number is by all estimates exactly 0.


But it's perfectly safe for you to say this because you know she's not interested. Tell me, would you feel the same if you found out she had been looking every dayfor the duration of your marriage? 

What if when you called her on it she responded, "of course all women think about other men sexually. If any woman tells you otherwise, she is lying?"

The thing is, the argument boils down to this: all men use porn and fantasize about other women sexually, and so they all should use as much porn as they want, and fantasize as much as they want, and no one should ever dare question it. 

Can you see why that might be hurtful, and perhaps not entirely convincing?


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> So which is it? Men's sex drive is so high that most of the time, they can have sex even if the relationship isn't all that great, or if there is a hairball on the floor, or whatever, and their SO undressing is usually enough to get things going assuming a bit of attraction.


Women aren't all the same, so you aren't going to get the same message from all of us.

We're a lot like men, that way. For example, in this thread I'm told that all men want sex all the time, no matter what, but in other threads I learn that some men have a very LD, some men prefer porn to their partners, some men have lost interest in and attraction to their partners. And so on.

We try and muster stereotypes to classifynit all, but they mostly don't fit very well.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

always_alone said:


> The thing is, the argument boils down to this: all men use porn and fantasize about other women sexually, and so they all should use as much porn as they want, and fantasize as much as they want, and no one should ever dare question it.
> 
> Can you see why that might be hurtful, and perhaps not entirely convincing?


But that's not really the argument, FTMP. That's a strawman version of it.

Most of the folks hereabouts, including the men, say that a little porn is normal and OK, as long as you're not neglecting your sexual relationship with your spouse. And under those conditions, yes, a wife should come to grips with that reality.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have a HD, for me that means I want an O anywhere from 4 times a week to 3 times a day. I am also very visually stimulated, I usually watch porn but can also be fine with written material.
> Still pictures don't do much of anything for me, likewise my man disrobing and standing there would do nothing. There's not really a sexy move he could do to help (like a woman would do stripping) I guess he could waggle things around but I doubt that would help.
> A lot of women are turned on by the male stripper thing though so we are obviously all different.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this, I appreciate it. Helps me understand the other side a little better.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

always_alone said:


> Women aren't all the same, so you aren't going to get the same message from all of us.


I understand, but I think this is where my confusion is. A very high percentage of men - as in almost all - will say that visual stimulation is the way to rev them up.

We are hearing in this thread that women are equally stimulated by visual images, but we know all women are different so this cannot possibly be true. I think it's fair to say some are, but I don't think some of the former posters are accurate when they lump all women into this category just to support their position.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Most of the folks hereabouts, including the men, say that a little porn is normal and OK, as long as you're not neglecting your sexual relationship with your spouse. And under those conditions, yes, a wife should come to grips with that reality.


Oh so the argument is his: all men use porn and all men have sexual fantasies about other women, and this is okay as long as it is "normal" use that doesn't hurt the SO.

So let's bring it back to the OP. This seems normal to you? To be constantly searching naked girls on Facebook?



lonelywife2901 said:


> hi everyone,
> my husband has facebook account and i can open his account and on his activity i saw it his been searching all girls naked pictures as many as he can. this is the second time as i gave him another chance because i caught hime before and he promised not to do it again....


I'm pretty sure I'd walk at this point, because I would know that he didn't respect me or other women.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I understand, but I think this is where my confusion is. A very high percentage of men - as in almost all - will say that visual stimulation is the way to rev them up.


Ah, I think I misunderstood what you were asking.

My point wasn't quite women are actually equally visual in all ways, but just that the difference isn't inherent or biologically determined. Rather, I think we are trained differently and have different expectations imposed on us.

Guys are constantly surrounded by images sexualizing women, right from puberty, and are constantly encouraged to view more, enjoy more, create more. Women are shamed for this -- less nowadays, but still frequently enough. And old memories die hard. Plus those sexualized images are almost all geared for men, and often have quite detrimental impacts on women. (Again this is starting to change, but is still largely true)

I personally am a very visual person, but I can't bear porn because so much of what is depicted looks unpleasant or painful, and makes me feel like women are just sex dolls to men. Nothing really about women's sexuality at all.

I do however like my SO naked.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I have doubts about the original post given what I know about Facebook policy.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I understand, but I think this is where my confusion is. A very high percentage of men - as in almost all - will say that visual stimulation is the way to rev them up.
> 
> We are hearing in this thread that women are equally stimulated by visual images, but we know all women are different so this cannot possibly be true. I think it's fair to say some are, but I don't think some of the former posters are accurate when they lump all women into this category just to support their position.


I don't know if women are equally as stimulated, I do think that many are and many more _could _be under the right circumstances. 
I think this could be also a lot to do with what was said previously, that porn is almost always directed at the man.
Men are also different in what they like but it's easier for them to find stuff to suit their wants. I mean, the women in most porn I see wouldn't be enjoying herself at all. The man is always having tons of fun. Even "lesbian" porn mostly sucks and is directed at men. The nails always get me, don't touch a vagina with razor sharp long nails. So women watch a bit and decide it's not for them. Hence- porn doesn't turn them on like it would a man. If women had the same kind of variety to suit their individual wants it would at least even out the playing field to get a true comparison.

It's a big cycle, people assume women aren't as sexual so they don't cater to them as much so women don't become as sexual. Heck, even my sex toys come in packaging aimed at men (half naked, sexy woman on the front) It's getting better though, I see more and more things aimed at women, designed/directed by women, etc. I think this will keep improving as they realize the demand.


----------



## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's the teeth. Can't you see a dentist or something?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------

