# Hate Letter ...



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

I've now been separated from STBXH for two months. My emotions are quite a rollercoaster and I cannot put my finger on what it is that I am feeling exactly, as I feel .. numb. 

I have several threads on this website, of the days counting down to when I discovered WS infidelity and walked out. I had my suspiciousness, had discovered him over and over again, constant confrontations and constant excuses. Eventually he just got better at hiding things, or so he thought. His affairs were all EAs, nothing physical - but it hurt just as much. 

I have no contact with him whatsoever now, I have constantly thought of writing up a hate letter, saying what needs to be said, sometimes I come very close to sending a hateful text as well, but, I know it'll only cause more poison in my life, and he most likely, could probably care less as to what I think right now. 

Every once in a while he sends texts, some are mean, sometimes to "check up on me", sometimes he wants to let me know that regardless of me in his life or not, he will not spend his "forever" alone, and will find someone to be "happy" with .. I do not respond, in fact, I have constantly blocked his # but he somehow finds any way to get ahold of me ...

I just never thought this is where I'd be at 27. I know none of us plan to be divorced and none of us ever have that on our checklist, but things seemed so perfect, my career, our relationship, the way things were going was a dream ... and suddenly I am now trying to grasp that he's not besides me anymore, it's almost too much to bare. I cannot sleep, at all ... I get about 3 hrs a sleep per night, I wake up in a sweat frenzy from constant nightmares, and if not from nightmares I just wake easily and do hope to find him besides me ... not happening. 

We now live in different states, and are waiting on divorce papers to finish up. I dont cry. I feel if I do I might lose all control and give in to whatever he needs/wants. He plays victim. He actually tried to get me to apologize after walking out. He said I needed to apologize, for ruining our marriage, otherwise he has nothing to say to me, and wants nothing to do with me, I told him to go fvck himself. 

I'm just waiting for this nightmare to wane out. Bare with me.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I have no contact with him whatsoever now, I have constantly thought of writing up a hate letter, saying what needs to be said, sometimes I come very close to sending a hateful text as well, but, I know it'll only cause more poison in my life


It's okay to write that letter and allow the emotion to fill the paper. When going through my divorce, I would write in a journal just to get it all out. I could organize my thoughts and then I could look back over it. It was good therapy for me. Just don't ever send the letter, it would just bring more poison. Maintain that no-contact, especially if he is trying to play the martyr.



fallensoldier said:


> I just never thought this is where I'd be at 27. I know none of us plan to be divorced and none of us ever have that on our checklist, but things seemed so perfect, my career, our relationship, the way things were going was a dream


Yes, divorce was never on my bucket list of things to go through in life. Can I say that I am a better person because of it? You bet. Life is not defined by the troubles we face, but how we face those troubles.



fallensoldier said:


> I dont cry. I feel if I do I might lose all control and give in to whatever he needs/wants.


You need to let that emotion out, it is okay to cry. I'm a guy and I did my fair share. I just never let my ex know.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Why not just change your number, so he can't txt or call you anymore? :scratchhead:


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

fallensoldier said:


> I have constantly thought of writing up a hate letter, saying what needs to be said, sometimes I come very close to sending a hateful text as well, but, I know it'll only cause more poison in my life, and he most likely, could probably care less as to what I think right now.


Write the letter, but don't send it to him. Instead, print it out, tear it up, burn the pieces and bury the ashes in your back yard.


Pb.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Why not just change your number, so he can't txt or call you anymore? :scratchhead:


Lol, believe me, I've thought of that plenty of times --- he doesn't call .. only texts. I've had my # for 11 years now ... everything/one I know/do is on that number, it would be a complete hassle to go through the change ... eventually, he'll just stop texting ... i hope.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

C3156 said:


> It's okay to write that letter and allow the emotion to fill the paper. When going through my divorce, I would write in a journal just to get it all out. I could organize my thoughts and then I could look back over it. It was good therapy for me. Just don't ever send the letter, it would just bring more poison. Maintain that no-contact, especially if he is trying to play the martyr.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've done so many times ... wrote the letter then just left it there for a later day to send ... Boy was I glad I didnt send it at times. Then there were times I wanted to add more cruel, harsh, heartless statements and let him have it ... good. 

I wrote him a letter the morning I left. While on plane ... nothing too mean, just very honest ... he deleted it. Never replied. I refuse to waste my energy on that kind of poison anymore.

There are times my mind just wanders to the most random things. One word can trigger many memories. Even if I'm just reading a book, or listening to music, or working out, or watching a movie, just ONE word will take me down memory lane in such a quick span of time and I have to pull myself back to reality - quickly. Those memories trigger my wanting to write a letter. 

Funny thing I mentioned in my other thread -- he's playing victim, and he's doing such a great job at it too. I remember as a kid, I had a very horrible fear of the doll movie "Chucky" -- it got really bad for me. Anyhoo, after I married him I told him of this fear, and well, now that I'm 27 I def am not still scared of it, so we joked about my childhood fear a few times and eventually let it go. 

In one of his most recent texts to me he said " I should have never trusted you from the start. You have this innocent look to you that attracts the world, makes people want to know you more. Like a child, a doll almost. But deep down you are evil. Chucky was a doll, and you know more than others how evil of a doll he was." 

Honestly, that was the most brutal of things he could have ever said to me. He took things to a whole different level. I just couldn't believe how low he went, to use my childhood fear against me, to compare me to, to make hisself appear as the victim. I always believed he was narcissistic and at that moment I was almost 100% sure of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With that text about Chucky.. you need to learn to not internalize these things he says. They are a reflextion of who he is. He's looking for ways to hurt you, don't give him that power. They have nothing to do with you. When he sends you nonsense like that just delete it.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:iagree:

To use that sort of thing to score cheap points knowing how hurtful it would be speaks volumes of him I think.

You were strong enough to walk away and it seems to em you are better of being NC with him. He can't even accept that the blame is his, why waste more time and effort than you need to on him.


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