# Almost no sex, just over 2 years of marriage



## Myshadow (Aug 22, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I am new to the forum and will introduce myself to everyone and open up about my life. For now I wanted to focus on this issue that I've been having.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years and we hardly have sex. Before we lived together and got married we would have sex on a weekly basis and it was good and fun. Both of our sex drives were high, with mine always being a little higher than hers. I saw her as a perfect mother to my future kids on day so I decided to marry her. Her family was big on us being engaged first before we got our own places (her words) so we didn't start looking for a house until we were engaged.

Things started to change once we started to live together. The first year was ok, new house, experiences however the sex started to go from once a week to every other week. The turning point came on our wedding night. It was a late night, like most weddings and I assume that we would "seal" the marriage with sex that night. We came home and she told me she was "too tied" for sex. After some discussion..she said ok sure lets do it but she just laid there until it was done. I felt sad, upset that she didn't want to make love with her husband. We spent our honeymoon that following week in the Dominican and we did not have sex, make love or anything for the entire week.

When we got back I spoke to her about everything and she mentioned that she just doesn't care for sex as much as she use to. Fast forward to 2013 for a guy like me having a high sex drive, going from once a week to once every few months is a big change. We would go 4-6 months without having sex, but when we do she loves it.

I am finding as each day goes by I feel that we get further an further apart emotionally, physically and I am not sure what to do.

We have talked and talked and she just isn't into sex anymore an less adventurous. I am not sure what to do or how to change this situation.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Hardly no sex in just 2 years of marriage? I doubt it will get better, although I could be wrong and she could do a complete turn around. If you have kids that will make it go from hardly ever to non-existent. I'm really not sure what to tell you, other than maybe tell her how sex is an important part of marriage, and if she still doesn't want to meet you half way or compromise, then cut your ties.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Youre just at the beginning stage of uncovering and investigating this problem. This section has lots of good potential issues she may be facing.

1. Could be bait and switch. But I think this is least likely...more so than other men who feel like they've been baited into a marriage trap. While there are some women who are so manipulative and self centered, I think it is uncommon.

2. Could be that being married has taken away the "danger or bad girl" perspective of sex with you.

3. Could be that now that you are her husband, she doesn't see wives as particularly sexual where as a girlfriend is highly sexual.

4. Could be that the comfort level is too comfortable for her and she no longer feels a dramatic draw to you.

5. Could be that she feels less desire because she also feels you are not as romantic or acting as drawn to her as you did while dating. Think about how you looked at her and responded to her when you were dating and compare that to how you interact with her now. Many men don't realize that having your woman with you in your home together tends to relax the romantic effort they put into the relationship.

4. Could be that she feels overwhelmed and it affects her sex drive.

5. Could be that you are doing too much to cater to her, which makes you appear to be "less dangerous and more easily manipulated" in other words, the Nice Guy issue.

Start looking into these things and eliminating the things that clearly aren't the trouble.

Bottom line, do NOT accept this as normal. It is a problem that will get worse unless it is aggressively addressed. 

How would she feel if you up and decided you no longer felt the need for affection or talking or complimenting her and she needs to just get over it. You each have needs and you each are responsible for meeting them.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This is a red flag for her having been sexually abused as a child. If she was, she may deny it if you ask her now. Is there any history of mental illness or substance abuse with her parents? A personality disorder in her mother? Did she have an abortion as a teen? All of these are possible indicators of child sex abuse, though of course not conclusive.

If she was abused as a child she might have no problems with sex as a teen or early 20's. You were simply "boyfriend". But once you are married you jumped into a new category, "Family". And you are now in other categories such as married and adult. In the mind of the abuse survivor you just became one of the dangerous people.

There are other possibilities than CSA. Maybe she was just doing what she needed to in order to get herself a husband. Now that she has it, she doesn't need to give sex any more. Bait and Switch.

What is her parent's marriage like? Perhaps she has this mental image that kids f like rabbits but married people are supposed to be boring and disinterested in sex. She could have some dysfunctional ideas.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I just saw your other thread about her medical condition. I think there is a good chance she has some depression or is feeling very un-feminine due to the fertility difficulties.

Are you two in any kind of counseling?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sex once a week when you started does not indicate a high drive. Rather low I'd say.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do not have a child with her.

Sexual marriges are hard to fix and improve. Not impossible, but not easy.

You cannot do this without offerinng the choice between a sexual marriage and a divorce. You can't get around this. If you don't want go to there, stop trying and accept your life as it is.

My recommendation, since you appear to be young would be to intiate a divorce. If she allows a divorce to go through without becoming sexual in her marriage, then you know you had no chance of fixing it.

If you think you are not an ideal husband, then you should fix your side of the equation, but I really don't see how that could be necessary since she went non sexual before you even demonstrated what kind of husband you were.


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## Myshadow (Aug 22, 2013)

Thanks for the responses and I will try to answer back. 

Yes I agree that once a week isn't high, my previous relationship was 4 times a week. For her twice a week is high. I do watch porn once in awhile however she feels that I should not watch porn (even though I know she watches it from time to time).

Thor, you may be right but we didn't find out about her PCOS until after. I know in some way it make her feel less like a woman but I always remind her to have faith that we will have kids one day. She was never abused as a child but I do know she isn't as experienced in sex as I am.

Anon_Pink,

I did think about it being a bait and switch and still not sure if it was. I do know she wants to be with me and have a family but not sure if that because she feels she cant find someone like me.
Yes possibly being married takes away the "danger" I know she likes a certain way I dress. I'm fit and used to wear clothes that I guess would be more of a "swag", hip-hop look. However lately I work in sales and deal with presidents and large corporations some my stay is more GQ now. 
I do in a way "cater" to her more than some say I should. I do cook, clean, take care of the yard work, garden etc. She also cleans once in awhile however I do the majority of the work.

She may be too comfortable who knows, we have talked and all I get is that she just doesnt need sex as much as I do


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## Myshadow (Aug 22, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Do not have a child with her.
> 
> Sexual marriges are hard to fix and improve. Not impossible, but not easy.
> 
> ...



We do not have kids, I don't see myself as the "ideal husband" though most people would think I am. We all have flaws and things we continue to work on. I do believe that a person should not change who they are to make someone else happy, possibly compromise.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Myshadow said:


> Thanks for the responses and I will try to answer back.
> 
> Yes I agree that once a week isn't high, my previous relationship was 4 times a week. For her twice a week is high. I do watch porn once in awhile however she feels that I should not watch porn (even though I know she watches it from time to time).
> 
> ...


Maybe depression is the big issue for your wife now. But I bet also the part in bold is probably a big indicator for why she lost her attraction to you. You used to dress in a way that made you look like a "badboy". You probably also used to act more like that with her too before moving in together. Now that you picked up a sense of responsibility, you are doing most of the cooking and cleaning to keep the house plus are dressing like a young businessman. I think she doesn't like the new you from an intimacy standpoint and that is why you are not having nearly as much sex as you used to. 

But still, once a week is only 4 - 5 times/month. That's still quite low in my book. My wife and I aren't exactly ripping it up either, but doing it 3 - 4 times a week.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Maybe depression is the big issue for your wife now. But I bet also the part in bold is probably a big indicator for why she lost her attraction to you. You used to dress in a way that made you look like a "badboy". You probably also used to act more like that with her too before moving in together. Now that you picked up a sense of responsibility, you are doing most of the cooking and cleaning to keep the house plus are dressing like a young businessman. I think she doesn't like the new you from an intimacy standpoint and that is why you are not having nearly as much sex as you used to.
> 
> But still, once a week is only 4 - 5 times/month. That's still quite low in my book. My wife and I aren't exactly ripping it up either, but doing it 3 - 4 times a week.


The GQ look is more attractive to a certain segment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You mention you do a lot of talking. Have you tried just not saying a word and surprising her. Be somewhat forceful I am not saying rape. But if I was you I'd do a lot let talking about feelings and a lot more actions. if you do talk tell her what you are about to do to her. 

I don't know it is hard to say my wife and I are down to once a week and I am not happy about it. She definitley is having post part'em and there's not much I can do. I tell her I love her but I can tell there is nothing on her end. But I'd definitely start doing more and talking a lot less.


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## Myshadow (Aug 22, 2013)

Yes I'm sure if I dress more like a "bad-boy" she would be more attracted to me. I will try the less talking part. Seems like now she becoming more angry, nitpicking on things and only wants things done her way or she will make my life miserable. We are both strong, hard heading individuals however I tend to be more laid back and thoughtful. It's hard on me. The more the days go on the more I feel that I should part ways with her and...be happy.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Myshadow said:


> We are both strong, hard heading individuals however I tend to be more laid back and thoughtful.
> 
> We would go 4-6 months without having sex, but when we do she loves it.


One part of the HD-LD puzzle I've been thinking about lately is "control." Maybe "control freak" is too strong, but it just seems like some people like to be in control more than they like sexual pleasure.

Having sex is allowing oneself to go out of control. Maybe not hugely so, but every time is at least a bit different and unpredictable, my body, wife's body. I find that's part of the fun, even though I have at least an average desire to be in control of stuff generally.

In a slightly different context, in another thread, another poster wrote this that grabbed me,

"The last time my Hubby and I made love, he seemed to enjoy it, and I got emotional and said - "Can we PLEASE do this more often?"

How many people have thought and said things almost exactly like that? I know I have.

Postings like that and your, "But when we do she loves it,"are so common and perplexing. Can't say if your wife's excessive love of control is a large part of your problem, but I'm thinking it's at least a small part of many people's HD-LD problems.

I feel it's been a little bit positive for me to emphasize (honestly!) to my wife that when I see her beautiful naked body I feel "out of control." I want her to know, if she's up for sex, not only will she get pleasure, but additionally, if my loss of some control can feel like her gain of control, take it dear, gladly. Some goodness happening lately....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If there is so little animal desire at the beginning of the relationship, what is the point?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dress and act like a bad boy occasionally. When she nit picks, spank her behind playfully, then slowly pull down your aviator shades and tell her to shape up unless she wants a more serious correction... That is all said in fun but that's the kind of playfulness almost every woman responds to, the bad boy playfulness. 

We all get bogged down in the minutiae of daily living and forget to PLAY! Play can be full out costumes or just a few remarks here and there. When my husband is playful I am powerfully attracted to him. When he is stressed and distant from worry or work...I don't really want to be in the same room except to offer comfort as he needs it. But the attraction part doesn't come unless he is playful with me, through out the day.


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