# Procrastination is hurting my marriage!



## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

And it's nothing new. Today's vent:

it's snowing...a lot. husband and son left as it was starting. No problem, I'm a healthy and able woman in my fifties. Oh but wait my snowblower is in the shop waiting to be picked up.....since the first week in December. Every weekend I have asked that we go get it but he would always say "I'm planning on doing it......"

After shoveling an hour,1/3 done I'm sore and angry. After being married 30 years I have chosen which battles to fight and which to ignore. I am going to re-evaluate.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

As a procrastinator myself I can tell you this: procrastination is a deep problem that is not easily fixable. There are two main things that I find work. One is external motivation -- you make the consequences so high for not getting a particular task done that it's more painful to avoid the task than to do it. 

The other one is internal, but this is much more involved. The procrastinator has to examine, usually through therapy, what anxieties and fears are causing him to avoid tasks.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Yall should go get it tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but it seems like a team procrastination issue. You could have just as easily gone to get it, no? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> No offense, but it seems like a team procrastination issue. You could have just as easily gone to get it, no?


Doh!... 

Next you will be telling people that if they don't like how someone does something they should do it themselves.  

No... Wait. I think you just did. 

Anyway.... I will get around to confirming it later when/if feel like it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

So... Don't shovel? Don't suffer over it if he isn't going to go get the blower. Let him shovel?


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

He can't shovel due to health issues

He drives the only vehicle that can pull the trailer to get the snowblower.

I can't drag trailer through the snow by myself to hook to the vehicle when it is available for me.

When I do give up on him doing things and proceed to do them myself he gets angry. After waiting weeks or months, I do the project and I hear "I was just going to do that,"

If this was an isolated incident I wouldn't complain.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hire someone to shovel. Can't afford it? Even better. Make sure the guy you hire is young and hot.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

You know, I've never understood why people shovel. At least where I live, the snow will eventually melt anyway. It just seems like a unproductive waste of time and energy.

Why not just leave the snow?


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hire someone to shovel. Can't afford it? Even better. Make sure the guy you hire is young and hot.


LOL! :rofl:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Yeah, if you call and they don't deliver, I'd try to hire someone. There are always kids in the area who would like to make a little cash for some movie or something. 

Then, I think it's time for a nice long counseling session so that he understands what your needs are and he can try to meet them. His Needs/Her Needs? Is that a book that will help? 

Something is holding him back. Maybe he is not even healthy enough to load and unload the snow blower?


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@Ginger, why can't your son pick it up??? Can he borrow the trailer and or vehicle??? Or be ready to go when the husband gets home to go pick it up. If nothing else, stop shoveling!!! 

Both the husband and the kid heard an earful when they got home last night because of the sidewalk, driveway and front porch not being cleared off. The kid went outside and fell on his ass...karma.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

The snowblower issue is just a small part of the problem. It will be resolved as I have found someone to pick it up for me. 

I am just frustrated at the continued procrastination. I wrote about a problem in the men's forum. At the advice of Tam members I asked that he read a book to help us. This was on January 8. We have spoken about it numerous times since then. He just hadn't gotten around to it but would do it soon. 

Right or wrong I gave him an ultimatum. He has nine months to work on our situation. He ordered the book last night. 

I not only need a snow removal person but a painter a plumber and general handyman.

My husband works hard, putting in 40 hours a week. But there is plenty of time evenings and weekends


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I am not familiar with your other threads, but could it be that he feels like you are telling him what to do? Very few guys like that. Maybe you can ask in a different way. There's a book called 'Personality Plus' that is truly excellent at getting inside other people's heads and communicating in ways that make them sit up and listen.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Low T and depression will make procrastination worse. What does he believe are the rewards of getting things done? Something is wrong there. Apparently, he believes the efforts aren't worth the rewards. 

You are not wrong in giving him consequences for his actions or inactions, in my opinion.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

I don't feel I should have to reward him for doing household chores. I do appreciate him doing them and tell him so...but reward?

Am I telling him what to do? I want to hire people to help us on some jobs. He refuses and wants to to them himself. So do I go against his wishes and hire someone then fight about it. Or hope that he will do it and then if not fight about it.

As far as the book goes, I hope the reward would be satisfaction for both of us.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Gingerbread said:


> I don't feel I should have to reward him for doing household chores. I do appreciate him doing them and tell him so...but reward?
> 
> Am I telling him what to do? I want to hire people to help us on some jobs. He refuses and wants to to them himself. So do I go against his wishes and hire someone then fight about it. Or hope that he will do it and then if not fight about it.
> 
> As far as the book goes, I hope the reward would be satisfaction for both of us.


I don't know why you didn't quote me, but when I read this, I think you are talking to me. I don't mean that YOU should reward anyone. 

What I mean is there is something wrong that HE doesn't think it's rewarding to him, to do these things. NO, YOU do not reward him for things he needs to do. Those are his responsibility. He would have to do them for himself, if he were alone. 

There is something wrong within HIM. He needs to check his value system. There is a reason he is not feeling personal reward from taking responsibilities and completing tasks for his own personal reasons and satisfaction. It is NOT your responsibility to reward him for these things. 

I am just looking at it from a different perspective than you. You are taking blame where you don't need to, when you answer in such a way. I am not pointing a finger at you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, are you a sexual refuser? Is your husband sexless or frustrated?


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Wait, are you a sexual refuser? Is your husband sexless or frustrated?


Depends on your view. You would have to read my other posts. At the current time we are sexless. I refuse to accept our current sexlife


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you refuse him and he resists (procrastinates) doing things for you. If that's true, then you kind of deserve it now don't you?

Or, perhaps he is the refuser. I don't know, can't tell from your post and haven't read your other posts.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So you refuse him and he resists (procrastinates) doing things for you. If that's true, then you kind of deserve it now don't you?
> 
> Or, perhaps he is the refuser. I don't know, can't tell from your post and haven't read your other posts.




Actually, in 30 seconds or so of looking up her other posts, I found it to be pretty clear that she is not refusing him. It's actually the reverse. He has ED which he refuses to do anything about. She would like a more active sex life. He keeps giving her excuses and stonewalling. 

Sort of like he did with the snowblower. Lots of talk. No action.


OP, your husband sounds like he may be very passive-aggressive. Have y'all tried marriage counseling with someone experienced in dealing with P-A?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> OP, your husband sounds like he may be very passive-aggressive. Have y'all tried marriage counseling with someone experienced in dealing with P-A?


I would be more inclined to question whether or not he has low testosterone plus mild chronic depression and or other mild chronic hormone or chemical imbalances. His actions so far sound similar to how I get when I don't take my antidepressants. 

I'm not depressed to the point of being totally useless but I get to the point of being a massive procrastinator and have very little interest in doing anything necessary or other wise.


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

OP, your husband sounds like he may be very passive-aggressive. Have y'all tried marriage counseling with someone experienced in dealing with P-A?[/QUOTE]

He does not believe in counseling, that we should be able to work it out by ourselves. He never argues or raises his voice. Our son, in his twenties, says he only remembers us arguing twice in his life and nothing major. When we disagree, he goes silent at looks like a sullen child. He refuses to engage in a discussion to resolve the issue is this passive-aggressive? All I know is that it irritates me


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## Gingerbread (Nov 4, 2013)

Actually I do feel like I am refusing him, although he hasn't tried in the pat months. I feel I cannot be sexually disappointed again. That hurts more than being celibate.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's his low-T and depression mixed in. Is there passive-aggressive behavior? I think there is between both of you. Neither is getting your way and your both in some ways being passive-aggressive. He needs a doctor to figure out if he needs T shots or gel or if he can find it in him to change his eating habits and exercise, it will help. His problem is normal for low-T.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree with those who say he is depressed by his ED, other issues, and that prompts him to stay home, and is annoyed by the nagging. Since you have been married 30 years, consider going away or trying to be upbeat and focus on the positive. I feel bad for him and you.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Never mind why didn't he pick up the snowblower. Why are YOU snowblowing and shoveling? 

What I would do is say something like "the snow issue seems to be too much for you to handle and I certainly don't want it on my plate! I'm hiring someone to plow"

And then do it!

I did this about snow, and I did it about cars that were dangerous. I contacted half a dozen dealerships for prices and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, H got right on Craig's list, went and looked at used ones, and asked me "how about THIS one!?"


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

_"Darlin' I just hate myself for being such a NAG! I've decided that I'm only going to tell you what I need once and if you can't handle it I'm hiring it out (and or buying a new one)." _

Worked like a charm in my M. No more procrastination.


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