# anyone else tried to mask how messed up you truly are?



## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

so, if you've red my other posts you all know my story....

today i realized that ive done nothing except hurt myself more....and my daughter....which is making it hurt so much more....about 3 months after my split with my ex wife, i started trying to date again....i guess you could call it a rebound, even tho i thought it wasnt.....i honestly have accepted the fact i wont get my wife back.

While ive been trying to meet new women, and also started a long distance relationship, i was telling them everything they wanted to hear....not being true to myself....i masked the fact that im still depressed....trying to not feel "alone".....

I tryed to change myself to be what these women wanted....and the last week it became too much....to anyone reading this and going through divorce / separation please for the love of god SORT yourself out first....no dating or even trying to fill that gap left by your ex....get yourself sorted....get a job....get a car/house/ whatever was taken from you by your ex (in my case EVERYTHING)....

so here i am now....5 months after wife kicked me out for another man....wallowing in self pity, drinking, picturing me being an old man with noone....time to start all over again...only this time i hope i actually get my life on track first before i even think about not being alone....even tho the pain im feeling right now is so much that i feel like crying for the rest of my life.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Of course we try to hide it and run away from it. It's one of the most painful things that can happen - everyone wants to avoid having to face the trauma. Don't beat yourself up so much. Your W damaged your soul, your psyche, your entire being. It's as if we are watching our former selves try to figure out how to be now and this new self isn't comfortable in this skin just yet. You've realized that you have to go through this process before being with anyone else and that's a good thing. I suspect that lots of people just try to avoid this pain for as long as possible and it ends up biting them in the azz years down the road, hurting themselves and the new people brought into their lives. Think of it this way - your W is going to crash one day over what she's done - you may never see it, but she will - the hurt and pain that she caused will bubble over and get to her one day. She's avoiding it right now. You are not. You will get through it, deal with it, put it away and then be ready for whatever good things life brings to you. Your W will not. SHE'S the one who is masking how f-ed up she is. You just tried to avoid some hurt. We will be okay. I hate it more than anything, but we will be okay. It's hard to believe right now, but try to see with the eyes of faith. Have faith that this will pass and that some day, things will be different and better.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think a lot of people do things like that after a marriage ends. Especially if the marriage had been several years long; they are so used to that comfort of being in a relationship, even if it wasn't that great, and they just aren't sure how to be single again. 

I dated a friend of mine right after my divorce was final. Luckily, he was smarter than I was and he knew that I wasn't really ready. He was very understanding when it didn't work, and we are still friends to this day. 

After that, I realized that I couldn't date until I figured myself out. It took me a few years, but I focused on myself and my kids, and eventually I knew who I was again. I was finally ready to move on. 

My relationship now isn't perfect either, we have problems, but at least we both know that these problems are ours, and not the lingering results of a past relationship.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I try to mask my true low points from my daughter, I don't want her being pulled down to how I feel sometimes !


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

so day 2.....woke up this morning with exactly the same heartache as when my exwife kicked me out...i know ive gotta work on myself again, and thanks for the replies so far guys....

ive done my best to mask my hurt from my daughter....does anyone else have problems being around their children at times? this may sound....VERY bad....but sometimes i regret having my daughter WITH my ex wife....does that make me a bad parent?? i do love my daughter to death....and would do anything for her...but at times....i just wish i never had to see the ex again...

I feel more alone today than yesterday....maybe i have to, to get past all this....i should be doing hobbies and stuff to keep occupied, but cant bring myself to start them....just stare at the computer screen for ages....maybe half of this is rambling, i just feel a little better writing it down....seeing what others think...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Gilgamesh said:


> so day 2.....woke up this morning with exactly the same heartache as when my exwife kicked me out...i know ive gotta work on myself again, and thanks for the replies so far guys....
> 
> ive done my best to mask my hurt from my daughter....does anyone else have problems being around their children at times? this may sound....VERY bad....but sometimes i regret having my daughter WITH my ex wife....does that make me a bad parent?? i do love my daughter to death....and would do anything for her...but at times....i just wish i never had to see the ex again...
> 
> I feel more alone today than yesterday....maybe i have to, to get past all this....i should be doing hobbies and stuff to keep occupied, but cant bring myself to start them....just stare at the computer screen for ages....maybe half of this is rambling, i just feel a little better writing it down....seeing what others think...


I kind of see what you're saying in re: your daughter. I still say that if they figure out a way to change DNA, my kids will be first in line to get rid of their father's.  It's not that you don't love your daughter, it's simply that when you look at her, she reminds you of your wife, which reminds you of your pain, and so you have that thought that you wish you hadn't had her with your ex. It's not that you wish you hadn't had your daughter in general, just you wish you hadn't had her with that specific person. I don't think that makes you a bad parent. It's human. If you wished you hadn't had her in general...well, I wouldn't necessarily say you were a bad parent, but I would suggest you get counseling to help you deal with that, because it's not a good way to think when you have a kid. 

But I think what you're feeling is normal.


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

today has been....long and exhausting....ive spent half of the day crying and i honestly am starting to question why a guy would cry so much. 

i do not regret having my daughter, i love her to death, only regret having her with my ex, yes.

i slipped up again today....sent my ex a text saying if we would work again....little did i realize she was with the other man at the time....and hes training to be a psychologist....so knows everything to say/do....half the reason why shes still with him is because he told my ex wife exactly what i would do to win her back from the start and also prayed on her while she was vulnerable (well thats my understanding anyway)

i also contacted the woman i was in a long distance relationship with and told her exactly how i was feeling and that she should move on, because i didnt want to hurt her and drag her along while im so messed up....

i really think i need to see a councillor or something, because things i shouldnt be thinking about have come into my head....cant believe its been 5 months already....i thought i was doing so well and then i crash and burn again....


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Don't beat yourself up. I think most of us have sent messages we regret. I think its a good idea to see a counselor - you need to get the pain, hurt & anger out, otherwise it festers & does more harm to you. 

The next time you want to send her a message, put the phone down for 10 minutes, go and do something to get your mind off it. I know I've send a few messages to my husband when I was angry or sad that I wish I hadn't sent.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I am almost to the one year mark of my situation and this wound is FRESH. Give yourself time. I would love to go to some therapy, you should see if it is a good thing for you 

Good luck and fast healing... keep typing, it helps me


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

thank you for all the wonderful replies....it means alot

over the last 5 months i havent really listened to anyones advice / comments....i red them, but never really took it to heart...recently i discovered how much i lie....and i now know thats something i have to work on...today has been a little easier...after some self reflection and a wonderful woman who is still there for me after i lied to her so much....and yes i have told her about my lying, she does not think it will be easy to trust me again....maybe she never will...but she has not stopped talking to me....for that i am truly thankful....

i sent another message to my ex wife, this time saying that im happy as long as the other man makes her happy and that i need to let go and move on with my life, saw her today to drop my daughter off and she was with the other man, it felt...different, i was completely friendly and so was she, she was a bit hesitant in talking too much to me tho because the other man was listening, i said dont worry im not fussed anymore, but i get the feeling like he is fussed that im still friendly with my ex....

also finally had a job interview today, after 7 months of not really trying to look for work...and it went well, will find out on monday if i get it or not.

For once i am actually thinking about things before i say them....and if i slip up with a lie i have so far quickly corrected myself....only time will tell if i can keep that going....hope im strong enough to do it because i dont want to hurt anyone else with lies....


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## Broken_Angel (Feb 21, 2010)

And she is always going to be here for you.. Helping you, supporting you, loving you.. Ok so she may be a fool for giving you so many chances, but that's just who she is.. And how she feels about you.


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