# Wife wants me to hang with her friends' husbands all the time



## bamaseller

I've been married for 5 months and we joined a bible study group. It consists of her female friends from college and they're very close. They're all married. 

My wife wants me to be good friends with these husbands.. They're great guys don't get me wrong. But I'm just not that close to them. But they seem quite close to each other (kinda weird feeling to me). 

I enjoy alone time, me time, man night etc. They want to "hang out" together and not be cool. 

Anyone's wife impose her gfs husbands on you and you are forced to like them and "hang out" with them even though its awkward? 

What if the tables were turned. It would be like putting a cat in water. 

Just venting.


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## Entropy3000

hmmmmmm. I can see you as a couple hanging out with these folks as couples ... sometimes. I would do that first. Then IF you feel like befriending any or all of them you do that on your terms.

Do you have your own group of friends you do things with? If so how often and what is it you do with them?

Ultimately though unless you have some toxic friends I don't see the urgency for you to hangout with her friends husbands any more than she should hangout with your friends wives.


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## lamaga

Hey, bama. No, you have no obligation to make friends with your wife's friends' husbands. I think she probably just wants you all to form a big happy group, and that'd be swell, but we don't get to pick our spouse's friends. Just keep being civil, but anything beyond that is completely your choice.


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## bamaseller

Yeah good points.. I do have my friends but we really don't do much together. They're all married and don't have hang out time much. The single ones don't want to hang out in "wholesome" places haha. Really, my wife is my best friend. I enjoy time in front of the tv, watching funny shows, history documentaries etc. I love down nights. Probably too much! I'll admit that totally haha. 

But she's said things like "theyre great guys i wish yall could be friends and i wish you'd hang out with them more often." etc etc. When I have told her about me not really wanting to, I get a guilt trip with her saying something like "ok well just do nothing, just sit on the couch and have no friends." 

In reality, when I got married I gave up all female friends and any single male friends that might not be good for me to be around. Well that does leave me kinda dating my remote sometimes. And I'm generally ok with that. I like having friends, but I'm pretty introverted and need to find my own friends, not have them imposed on me.


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## lamaga

Well said, Bama. Speaking as an introvert myself, your wife also needs to educate herself about introversion -- just because you want to stay home and have some alone time occasionally does not make you some kind of social misfit. That's the downtime that you need to recharge your batteries. You might want to google a very famous article that was published in the Atlantic --something about care and feeding of your introvert.

Good luck!


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## GTdad

Your wife is concerned about what she percieves at least as your lack of friends. Normal.

She wants you to edge past your comfort zone. Normal.

She wants you to have a good time. Normal.

And really, introvert or not, things you should want for yourself as well.

Hang out with them a bit. You might be surprised.


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## Entropy3000

bamaseller said:


> Yeah good points.. I do have my friends but we really don't do much together. They're all married and don't have hang out time much. The single ones don't want to hang out in "wholesome" places haha. Really, my wife is my best friend. I enjoy time in front of the tv, watching funny shows, history documentaries etc. I love down nights. Probably too much! I'll admit that totally haha.
> 
> But she's said things like "theyre great guys i wish yall could be friends and i wish you'd hang out with them more often." etc etc. When I have told her about me not really wanting to, I get a guilt trip with her saying something like "ok well just do nothing, just sit on the couch and have no friends."
> 
> In reality, when I got married I gave up all female friends and any single male friends that might not be good for me to be around. Well that does leave me kinda dating my remote sometimes. And I'm generally ok with that. I like having friends, but I'm pretty introverted and need to find my own friends, not have them imposed on me.


I am pretty much this way.


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## lamaga

GTDad -- spoken like someone who doesn't have a clue how introversion works. There is nothing wrong with him.


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## bamaseller

GTdad said:


> Your wife is concerned about what she percieves at least as your lack of friends. Normal.
> 
> She wants you to edge past your comfort zone. Normal.
> 
> She wants you to have a good time. Normal.
> 
> And really, introvert or not, things you should want for yourself as well.
> 
> Hang out with them a bit. You might be surprised.



I agree it is normal and healthy, I get that. But forcing friends is never fun or healthy. I have hung out with them quite a bit. But they're talking about action hero movies while I'd rather discuss politics or what's wrong with our country haha. It's not that bad.. But i love discussing politics and religion and anything controversial.. But I'm not stupid! Rule: be very careful what you say in front of your wive's friends husbands. I'm the new guy to the group you see. They new my wife before they knew me. So i have to walk on pins n needles and its not comfortable.

We all know its a woman's fantasy to get married, throw dinner parties, have couple friends that we love to hang with etc. No offense to any married men (I am one) but we are not as fun or cool as we used to be. 

Guy time with married men is kind of a drag to be honest. Sorry


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## southbound

I can relate to you. I think it's normal that one makes acquaintances through their spouse, but I would have a problem with someone wanting me to hang with certain people and be buddy buddy if it didn't click. . As for moving past your comfort zone, I don't know why that is such a big deal in our society today. It's like passing on the mattress that is most comfortable and going with a less comfortable one. What would be the point?

As for you having fun, I have noticed that extroverts always think us introverts will have more "fun" if they can get us to be more of a crowd person, but they don't get it.


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## lamaga

No, Southbound, they really, really don't


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## GTdad

lamaga said:


> GTDad -- spoken like someone who doesn't have a clue how introversion works. There is nothing wrong with him.


That may be fair, although I'm more of an introvert than extrovert by nature. But I've also found that I enjoy the results of pushing out of my comfort zone and making friends. On the latter, I was what I'd consider to be a typical married guy who let my friendships go and relied almost exclusively on my wife for recreational companionship. But that really wasn't fair to either of us; it put too much of a burden on her and deprived me of activities that I would enjoy but she wasn't interested in.


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## bamaseller

Yeah see, one problem with these guys is that they're always wanting to do something. Whether its racketball or golf or whatever. I like golf and I'm a member at a nice country club. They are not, they will not pay the guest fee to play. I almost refuse to go walk 9 holes for $15 at the most ghetto course in town. 

Either way, I guess I need to suck it up again and go. I act like they're terrible people, theyre NOT. Don't get me wrong, I think its more about me not wanting to do anything on a Monday night and about the guilt trip my wife is putting me on for not being more a part of the group.


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## Ten_year_hubby

bamaseller said:


> Either way, I guess I need to suck it up again and go. I act like they're terrible people, theyre NOT. Don't get me wrong, I think its more about me not wanting to do anything on a Monday night and about the guilt trip my wife is putting me on for not being more a part of the group.


bamaseller,

If you like your wife's friends and you want her to continue to hang out with them, I would highly suggest making at least a good appearance of friendship with their husbands. Feel free to draw the line where you need but at least make the effort.

I promise you, if you were to find your wife always hanging out with a bunch of selfish, complaining, divorced or never married man-hating women, you would wish you had some husbands to hang out with, at least once in a while


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## bamaseller

Ha true ten year hubby.. You are very right. I guess I see it as I'm already going over the top here by joining a weekly bible study with them. During this time, we break off into groups (the guys and the girls) to talk about gender specific topics or things we are dealing with as men or women. I can see the benefit of that sometimes.. But only sometimes. I'm not real comfortable doing that at all! It's strange to me. I dont want to open up about anything to these people. They're my wife's bff's husbands for goodness sake.


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## bamaseller

Ha just watched it.. That was hilarious!


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## Ten_year_hubby

bamaseller said:


> During this time, we break off into groups (the guys and the girls) to talk about gender specific topics or things we are dealing with as men or women. I can see the benefit of that sometimes.. But only sometimes. I'm not real comfortable doing that at all! It's strange to me. I dont want to open up about anything to these people. They're my wife's bff's husbands for goodness sake.


Good. However you may feel, you're doing this so give yourself credit for good deed number one. Invite the guys over once a month or six weeks for a cookout and a game on tv. That's good deed number two. One more and you have done all that anyone can reasonably ask of you


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## bamaseller

Already done all that. That's cool to hang during event times. But on my man night? My alone night? Me and netflix had a date. But she does not want me to sit at home doing nothing for one. Two, she really wants me to fall in loovveee with these guys because that was her fantasy about marriage.


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## tm84

bamaseller said:


> Already done all that. That's cool to hang during event times. But on my man night? My alone night? Me and netflix had a date. But she does not want me to sit at home doing nothing for one. Two, she really wants me to fall in loovveee with these guys because that was her fantasy about marriage.


_Two, she really wants me to fall in loovveee with these guys because that was *her* fantasy about marriage_

Yep, that's it right there. By nature, I'm an introvert and really, really enjoy my time alone. I'm happy to hang out with friends, but knowing me, I would not react well to having people forced upon me on a continual basis, even when the best intentions are the motivation. 

I don't know, I think that you might need to let your wife know that you really need to have your alone time and how important it is to you. She really needs to understand that her pushing you to hang out with her firends' husbands is counter-productive and could lead to some resentment down the road. 

There are only so many forced grins a guy should have to endure for the sake of someone else's fantasy about marriage, haha!


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## Ten_year_hubby

bamaseller said:


> Already done all that. That's cool to hang during event times. But on my man night? My alone night? Me and netflix had a date. But she does not want me to sit at home doing nothing for one. Two, she really wants me to fall in loovveee with these guys because that was her fantasy about marriage.


If she can't find her way to let you have your time to yourself, see if you can trade her for something she wants like your hang time with her friends husbands. A nite for them, a nite for you. I can see you building up a nice balance for yourself


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## Hicks

bamaseller said:


> Already done all that. That's cool to hang during event times. But on my man night? My alone night? Me and netflix had a date. But she does not want me to sit at home doing nothing for one. Two, she really wants me to fall in loovveee with these guys because that was her fantasy about marriage.


What is your fantasy of marriage?
If it involves alot of sex, fun sex etc, then it's important that you provide her with her fantasy, if you want her to provide you with your fantasy.


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## bamaseller

Thanks! Lots of great responses. So I told her that it was kinda bothering me and that no guy wants to be told who to be friends with. I was very quickly corrected that she did NOT make me be friends with them. She got defensive saying "I said you didn't have to go. I don't want to choose your friends, I understand, I just............. I just think.......... I just feel........... thats all."

Sooo that's the defense strategy here. It's one often used by women. We all know, that for all intents and purposes, I am being told that I must befriend these guys to a point of hanging out on more than one night per week. That is a lot.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Time to deal here. How about once a week and a second night every month?


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## Tall Average Guy

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Time to deal here. How about once a week and a second night every month?


See, I disagree. On some levels, this is a $h!t test. Stand up to her, tell her that you have no problems hanging out with them as a group (husbands and wives) but you will hang out with who you want to hang out with. If you have an event that you want to do and think these guys would enjoy, then give them a hollar, but don't force something that is not there. It is your free time, not hers.


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## bamaseller

Grr i agree with you both. you have to stand up for something or she'll boss you around for the rest of your life. And one day when you finally do stand up for yourself, it will not be taken lightly. 

I guess ill have to live through the guilt trip shes gonna put me on about not attending an out of town function in a couple of weeks. She'll critisize what she thinks ill be doing instead (shes kinda right). "Ok fine just stay here and drink all you want, have a fun great weekend without your stupid boring wife." That's already been said when I told her the first time i didnt want to go on the long weekend excursion. 

Keep in mind this long weekend, she will be occupied doing other things with bachelorette party group so it would be alot of me, with the couples.. So i dont think its crazy to not wanna go.


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## rider

You are really a good husband for putting up with this crap.

This bible study sounds a lot like a Circle Jerk to me. When real men hang out they drink heavily and tell grossly exaggerated stories of sexual and physical conquest. They do not converse about what jesus thinks of their wives stomping all over their balls.

Personally I would be ****ing with these guys just for jollies. I think your next man date should go like this:

"Hey pussies, we are going to the country club, so take the flies out of your wallets and man up for once"

"Yeah i dont give a sh!t that it's 8 am, drink your whiskey like a man"

"if you don't light that cigar up I am going to make a $1,000 dollar donation to planned parenthood in your name"

"Alright Billy, now that you have totally embarrassed me by wearing jean shorts to my club, it's time for me to admit that the cigar I gave you was not entirely tobacco, hope you have some potato chips at home"


Problem, solved. They will now look at you with a mix of admiration and fear, which is exactly what you want. If you hang out with these guys you have to be the Alpha. 

I bet these tools all work in finance too. It's where all the Beta's hang out who have IQ's higher than 100.

Am I kidding? partially. Good luck man.


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## Trickster

My wife wants me to go to all of the b-day parties our 8 year old is invited to. She is friends with a lot of the moms and wants me to hang out with the dads. After 20 years together she is starting to have her friends again... But really they are just the moms of our daughters friends. 

As far as my friends, I am also introverted BUT BUT BUT, I am now involved in a new sport and other hobbies and I am developing my own friends on my terms, which is much better.

Our daughter is almost too old for mom and dad to tag along with her. What will my wife do then?


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## Hicks

Your wife's social structure, and your place in it is very important to your wife.


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## Tall Average Guy

rider said:


> You are really a good husband for putting up with this crap.
> 
> This bible study sounds a lot like a Circle Jerk to me. When real men hang out they drink heavily and tell grossly exaggerated stories of sexual and physical conquest. They do not converse about what jesus thinks of their wives stomping all over their balls.
> 
> Personally I would be ****ing with these guys just for jollies. I think your next man date should go like this:
> 
> "Hey pussies, we are going to the country club, so take the flies out of your wallets and man up for once"
> 
> "Yeah i dont give a sh!t that it's 8 am, drink your whiskey like a man"
> 
> "if you don't light that cigar up I am going to make a $1,000 dollar donation to planned parenthood in your name"
> 
> "Alright Billy, now that you have totally embarrassed me by wearing jean shorts to my club, it's time for me to admit that the cigar I gave you was not entirely tobacco, hope you have some potato chips at home"
> 
> 
> Problem, solved. They will now look at you with a mix of admiration and fear, which is exactly what you want. If you hang out with these guys you have to be the Alpha.
> 
> I bet these tools all work in finance too. It's where all the Beta's hang out who have IQ's higher than 100.
> 
> Am I kidding? partially. Good luck man.


Or maybe, just maybe, it has less to do with what they are doing and more to do with him not feeling a connection to any of these guys. 

At the end of the day, your free time is just that, your free time. You do need to be available to socialize with your wife and her friends. But there is balance between doing that and forcing a friendship with these guys when your wife is not even there.


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## bamaseller

Yeah and I do socialize with them along with my wife and their wives... It's the extra curricular hanging out that I'm not all that down with. It's like they want to force the guys to be this band of brothers or something. When the girls get together to do some girl thing, an email quickly circulates to us guys that says something like this:

"hey guys the girls are all getting together to do x tongiht, i figured yall might want to go here and x while they're out." 

Im thinking uhhhmmm actually nope not at all.. I had much rather enjoy the house to myself for a couple of hours.

But the invite almost obligates me to accept. And my wife does not understand when i say i dont want to go. She "understands" but she doesnt like it I guess is how Id put it.

Bottom line, we need to be much more clear to women about how we need our alone time away from everybody. As long as we are fulfilling our basic duties of socializing WITH THEM that should be enough.. But don't be trying to add to my male friends just because you have a fantasy of us all being one big happy friend group on Wisteria Street or something.


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## Minncouple

I am a very similiar type guy. I dont have guy friends, or have hung out with the boys in over 18 years. SImply not my gig. I work very hard, and am stressed alot. My off time is what i call "me time". That ranges from the gym, hanging out at my nice house, or even napping on a sat afternoon.

Luckily my wife is kinda the same way. At first she thought it was odd, and tried to fix me up, but I told her what i feel and that was that. 

I understand the whole "wholesome" thing, and that isnt my deal either. It actually creeps me out. Wife wanted to do the church thing, we did for about 3 weeks and I told her what i thought. She evenually saw what I saw the first day and stopped going. Not that I am a bad person, I try and do whats right and treat people the way I want to be treated, but being told I am a piece of crap and then asked for 20 bucks in the tray at the end of the preacher speak deal is a joke.

Tell her that you feel Ok being along, are not lonely, and you need to be your pown person. trust me, playing along with olny build resentment.


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## bamaseller

Minncouple said:


> I am a very similiar type guy. I dont have guy friends, or have hung out with the boys in over 18 years. SImply not my gig. I work very hard, and am stressed alot. My off time is what i call "me time". That ranges from the gym, hanging out at my nice house, or even napping on a sat afternoon.
> 
> Luckily my wife is kinda the same way. At first she thought it was odd, and tried to fix me up, but I told her what i feel and that was that.
> 
> I understand the whole "wholesome" thing, and that isnt my deal either. It actually creeps me out. Wife wanted to do the church thing, we did for about 3 weeks and I told her what i thought. She evenually saw what I saw the first day and stopped going. Not that I am a bad person, I try and do whats right and treat people the way I want to be treated, but being told I am a piece of crap and then asked for 20 bucks in the tray at the end of the preacher speak deal is a joke.
> 
> Tell her that you feel Ok being along, are not lonely, and you need to be your pown person. trust me, playing along with olny build resentment.



ha looks like you went to the wrong church man. i know what you mean though. ive felt that way in churches and i would certainly call them bad ones.. but half the time its the church, half the time its the person looking for any excuse to not go. did they really ask for money? or did they ask you to give obediently to the point that god would have you to lead? btw, no church asks for money from nonmembers. They have to keep the lights on just like anywhere else ya know? but yeah i def know what you mean..


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## Minncouple

Yup, pretty much spoke like we are all sinners, need help, are dead beats, and then asked for hand outs for soem church in Mexico. I was pretty pissed.

I dont need to bunch of flakes who rely on a sunday sermon totell me I am a bad person. Pretty much turned me off to the whole church deal.

I live by a code, be a good person. Its pretty simple. Most of the church folks seem like either incredibly insecure or plain crazy. I never get the "if god wanted it to be" thinking. 

I would explain to your wife these arent your friends and dont want them in your life.


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## bamaseller

ha yeah ill try to explain that to her. i dont like the "if god wanted it to be" thinking either.. thats probably not the most accurate term, but it can be true at the same time.. he's god im not. I think what the church was telling you was, not that you're a bad person, that's a given, but what to do with the bad or the sin.. how it can be taken care of. your code is nice, but even you fail at your own code. if you cant even keep that, what makes you think you're ever gonna be good enough for god and his heaven.. or just believe its all fairy tale and go on about ur day wondering ahha.. not being harsh but thats pretty much the reality. come over for man time and we'll discuss on the back porch haha.. makes for some great man time conversation.. with love of course..


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## Blue Moon

Ha! Reminds me of an old Chris Rock bit about his wife putting him on grown man play dates.

"Women like to get their husbands together that don't even know each other and have like a grown men play date. Put you in a room with some other married motherf*cker."

Wife: "He likes baseball just like you."


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## Blue Moon

Unhappy2011 said:


> Chris Rock has a good stand up bit about his wife setting him up on "playdates" with her gf's husbands.
> 
> "Well you both like baseball so....."


Damn, you beat me to it.


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## Blue Moon

bamaseller said:


> When the girls get together to do some girl thing, an email quickly circulates to us guys that says something like this:
> 
> "hey guys the girls are all getting together to do x tongiht, i figured yall might want to go here and x while they're out."


Yeeeeaaaaah, this would irritate me off of general principal alone. It's almost mommyish. The grownups are going to do their thing so they lump the kids together so they can tag along with each other and out of grown folks hair.

Next time you guys should link up but then take a detour to the strip club. I know it's a bible study group so that might not fly, but that's all I have


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## WorkingOnMe

rider said:


> You are really a good husband for putting up with this crap.
> 
> This bible study sounds a lot like a Circle Jerk to me. When real men hang out they drink heavily and tell grossly exaggerated stories of sexual and physical conquest. They do not converse about what jesus thinks of their wives stomping all over their balls.
> 
> Personally I would be ****ing with these guys just for jollies. I think your next man date should go like this:
> 
> "Hey pussies, we are going to the country club, so take the flies out of your wallets and man up for once"
> 
> "Yeah i dont give a sh!t that it's 8 am, drink your whiskey like a man"
> 
> "if you don't light that cigar up I am going to make a $1,000 dollar donation to planned parenthood in your name"
> 
> "Alright Billy, now that you have totally embarrassed me by wearing jean shorts to my club, it's time for me to admit that the cigar I gave you was not entirely tobacco, hope you have some potato chips at home"
> 
> 
> Problem, solved. They will now look at you with a mix of admiration and fear, which is exactly what you want. If you hang out with these guys you have to be the Alpha.
> 
> I bet these tools all work in finance too. It's where all the Beta's hang out who have IQ's higher than 100.
> 
> Am I kidding? partially. Good luck man.


Lol


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## WorkingOnMe

You need to have something else to do. Wanting to stay home alone just doesn't cut it. When your wife is with the other hens and their obedient husbands are drinking Arnold Palmers in the corner she has to explain that you're home alone. It makes it sound like you're anti social and reflects poorly on her. When MY wife is in that situation she explains that I'm climbing Mt. Baker, or hunting mule deer, or leading a Boy Scout hike. The fact that her husband has better things to do increases her social standing. 

See when one wife has a husband out doing some manly thing while the other wives have husbands wearing sweater vests on the patio, she wins. And so do you. But if you're sitting on the couch avoiding everyone, she looses.


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## DanglingDaisy

I'm an introvert and proud of it:smthumbup:

Extroverts ALWAYS assumes introverts don't like to socialize and can't make friends(both wrong)..the truth is I like my "alone" time whether it's going for a walk with music in my ears to sitting in my room with a good book!

I make friends EASILY and can chat up a storm with anyone anywhere-the thing is unlike an extrovert that gets energized and some needing those interactions regularily, I get wiped out by the constant stimulation(my friends and their families,my two boy's friends and family,my husband's friends,my daughter's friends and family).:sleeping: When people are bombarding you with drop ins,phone calls and requests to go out all the time(or drop in whenever they feel without calling)it feels intrusive and overwhelming in a short time. 

I would definitely suggest you find a book or online articles on introverts and share that with your wife. I would be absolutely livid to have some of the things said to me as your wife said to you...it's just wrong to guilt or intimidate your partner to do things A)they don't feel comfortable doing and B)insulted to do because it's what MAKES YOUR WIFE HAPPY Stand your ground and make your boundaries known or your wife will continue to play you in whichever way she feels gets the results she's looking for

I completely DISAGREE with you WorkingOnMe. He shouldn't feel pressured to do things because it makes him look worse to other wives/husband's-c'mon,next thing you know she's going to insist he wear a three piece suit and smoke cigars to "be cool" or impress others!! She KNEW who she fell in love with and married,it's HER TIME to stop being so superficial and show her partner respect for his boundaries and choices-enuff said.

Good luck!!


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## effess

bamaseller said:


> I've been married for 5 months and we joined a bible study group. It consists of her female friends from college and they're very close. They're all married.
> 
> My wife wants me to be good friends with these husbands.. They're great guys don't get me wrong. But I'm just not that close to them. But they seem quite close to each other (kinda weird feeling to me).
> 
> I enjoy alone time, me time, man night etc. They want to "hang out" together and not be cool.
> 
> Anyone's wife impose her gfs husbands on you and you are forced to like them and "hang out" with them even though its awkward?
> 
> What if the tables were turned. It would be like putting a cat in water.
> 
> Just venting.


I used to be in a similar scenario as you - except in was in your wife's place. It was a church small group early in our marriage, and I got real close w/ the guys in the group, and I wanted her to get closer to the wives/gfs. She just wasn't interested. 
It did put me in awkward scenarios when I constantly had to make excuses for her on why she wasn't hanging out with us more - and it did lead to arguments between us. 
At the end of the day, I accepted that she's not as social as me, and she doesn't _have to be_ friends with their significant others but at the same time, she did compromise with me and attend some parties/social events. 
We worked something out that worked for the both of us, you and your wife will do the same if you have each other's needs at heart.


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## Minncouple

Bama - Sorry for being blunt here man, but that last post makes me laugh ny axx off. "break off and talk about guy issues and stuff"?

I'd bail on that one man.


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