# Living Under Same Roof



## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

We recently had the D discussion. As expected, something brewing with me for many years, but for him a very fresh realization.

We have to work out and file the separation agreement before I can even consider leaving (we have kids), we're working on keeping things calm at home in front of them.

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with H. He rollar coasters between bitter remarks against me and bargaining discussions on how we can fix everything.

I've already put my foot down to any discussions if either of us have had even a single drop of wine/alchohol. 

He's started seeing an IC, which has helped.

He also continues to seek out affection with hugs, kisses, telling me he loves me, random touches. I've backed away a few times and as expected it makes him hurt and angry.

If I just accept the affection, aren't I sending the wrong message that I intend to stay? 

I'm really worried that if I flat out say "Stop it." He'll become uncivil.


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you think your marriage is worth saving? If yes, then I would welcome the affection, but if you are sure that you want a divorce, then I would not return any kind of affection. 
You said that your discussion was recent, so maybe you are still in shock and thinking in "business mode" at the moment. Maybe some time apart will do some good, nothing drastic...maybe a weekend away to visit family or friends?


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I am living under the same roof with my cheating H out of financial necessity. We went to a MC for one session (had been to her before when we'd had trouble a couple of years ago) but, because he's adamant that he wants the divorce, has fallen in love with someone else (even writing that makes me so sick to my stomach I can hardly breath), and will be moving out. 

I told the MC that he was behaving the same way towards me as he had the entire time we were married, wanting to hold hands, hang out on couch watching movies, telling me he loves me, etc. She asked him if that were true to which he responded affirmative. She then asked him why he was doing this and he said, "Mostly out of habit". Ouch, right?

So she then turns to me and says, "Unless he tells you flat out that he wants to stay and isn't leaving you, can you accept these gestures as being only gestures and not signs he wants to stay? I said I thought I could.

We have been together 14 years. This is so hard and I'm not sure I can get through it. There are moments when I'm okay and strong and others where I can't quit sobbing. My body aches from crying so hard. 

I guess I don't know where to turn or what to think. All he says is he's sorry, that he should have talked to me instead of letting the affair happen. He still insists they didn't sleep together...yet. They are "shelving" their relationship until they take care of things at their respective homes.

His "girlfriend" has been married three times. She has one teen-aged daughter from her first or second marriage and 3 sons from her current marriage. She doesn't have to work, her husband is putting her through technical college (where they met), and she's unhappy? All she has to do is shop, take care of her kids, and steal my husband?

Sorry about that tangent...obviously I feel quite passionate about this situation. To make matters worse, she is someone whom I have had in my home for parties and I have been to her home for parties as well. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back!

Thank you for having these boards which have allowed me to read other peoples stories and to vent my hurt and frustration. I don't want to spill my guts somewhere where nobody else would understand.

BluePink


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I would go nuts in your places ladies! You have to put your foot down with the behavior. No touching or acting like you did when you were married. Otherwise the pain will chew you up & spit you out. 

Which is exactly what the OW will do to your husband in a very short time Bluepink. But by the time that happens you will have gotten on with your life and will be very happy. SO he can reap what he has sown. 

Hang in there.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

Thank you, Babyheart. It is very difficult because when I cry he runs in to hold me or comfort me somehow. He's said he was going to leave 2 times before this time. Once before we were married when he actually quit his job and then never left and he just kept working (he's still working at the same place), once two years ago but he stayed...most likely because I was diagnosed with cancer at the same time and he would have looked like a heel leaving me then, and this time.

This time is waaaaay different though. I think he truly believes he loves this woman but I find it difficult to believe since she's only 7 years younger than I am and can't bear children (he sooo wants a child). 

Anyway, thank you for your insight and encouragement.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

You know he is in the "FOG" - my H too is having an affair with a woman with 2 small children. She just left her husband and has moved into an apt where she & my H work. 

People in that situation believe anything to make themselves feel better and not the pieces of sh!t they actually are. They will justify their behavior by any means, and that usually means they try to make you feel like you have done everything wrong. No relationship will survive once it is based on lies & deceit. So they will get their comeuppance down the road. Pity they leave so much collateral damage in their wake though. 

Cancer, and this. You poor thing. You deserve better. And your H needs his a$$ kicked.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I am enjoying learning these new terms and shortcut letters, IC for individual counselor (I'm guessing) MC for Marriage Counseling, and "FOG", such a great term for that!

He doesn't realize how high maintenance this woman's going to be but I can hope she's only the "transitional" relationship for him. I really do hope that he finds someone his own age (he's 20 years younger than I am...which is why I can't give him a child) to have children and grow old with. 

I've told him also that what he's seeking outside of our marriage can't be found anywhere but inside of HIMSELF. You'd think he'd figure that out but he doesn't. I just wish I didn't love him as much as I do...and yes, he does need someone to kick his a$$ or pull his head out of it!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A friend of mine divorced her hub after he was cheating with a sweet young thing half his age. Wound up marrying the trick and right away she demanded he have his vasectomy reversed which he hid. She got pregnant w/ twins right away. So he'll be 70 when they get out of high school. Serves him right.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

Seems pretty irresponsible and ignorant. I feel sorry for the children.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well money's not a problem. But I've got to tell you I about 50-ish and I don't have the energy or the patience to do that again.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

So, I asked my H to be with me this weekend as I only have him for a limited time now that he's asked for a divorce and admitted he was having an EA. We were invited to two events. I asked him to go to one with me but he chose not only to go to the other but also not to take me with him to that event. 

He knows how fragile emotionally I am right now. I didn't beg but I did cry and let him know how this would impact me in a very negative way if he went. 

He still went. He was also broke and sold one of his guns to get the money to go to this event.

What does this say about him?


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