# No Contact......



## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

New here....

Have tried a search for 'NC' and ways to do it. Can someone point me in the right direction??

long separation/divorcing after lengthy marriage. Kids are involved. life seems to be a whole lot easier when there is NC w/STBX.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It is much easier - I know for a fact. How old are the kids?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Not much to it. Keep communication limited to things pertaining to kids and finances until divorce is final. Then, just kids. 

Don't reply to anything else. If you're contacting him/her for anything else, stop.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

How old are the kids and what's the custody arrangement?


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> How old are the kids and what's the custody arrangement?


three kids. 16, 12, and 9. they are with mom.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Do you have a custody agreement worked out already? Mine are older 23-20&15 so they deal with him when they are going to see him. We only talk about finances. Up until recently I had no contact with him and I was doing really good but a couple of weeks ago I let him visit in the yard and week after week he got more comfortable. Eventually he asked me to come outside to see him (i hadnt seen him since february) It started getting under my skin so it stopped. That's why I say nc is the best way to start to heal.

Oh when dealing with finances - we would send notes between us via the kids or if it needed an immediate answer a text or e mail. It is the best way - at least in my case.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Oh when dealing with finances - we would send notes between us via the kids or if it needed an immediate answer a text or e mail. It is the best way - at least in my case.


With adult children this may be ok (still not good) but you shouldn't use young children as messengers. Not even a written note in an envelope. 

Keep the kids out of your relationship between you and ex or STBX.


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Do you have a custody agreement worked out already? Mine are older 23-20&15 so they deal with him when they are going to see him. We only talk about finances. Up until recently I had no contact with him and I was doing really good but a couple of weeks ago I let him visit in the yard and week after week he got more comfortable. Eventually he asked me to come outside to see him (i hadnt seen him since february) It started getting under my skin so it stopped. That's why I say nc is the best way to start to heal.
> 
> Oh when dealing with finances - we would send notes between us via the kids or if it needed an immediate answer a text or e mail. It is the best way - at least in my case.


fortunately I can see them whenever I want. going to counseling and it seems to be helping but is still tough. would love to completely block all talk but cant for my childrens sake.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Searching4Peace said:


> fortunately I can see them whenever I want. going to counseling and it seems to be helping but is still tough. would love to completely block all talk but cant for my childrens sake.


You can effectively communicate with your children without any interaction with your spouse.

I talk with my kids (almost) every night. Haven't talked to STBX in over a month aside from emails regarding finances and children.

Drop offs are done in the driveway. She stays inside and I watch them go in.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Searching4Peace said:


> fortunately I can see them whenever I want. going to counseling and it seems to be helping but is still tough. would love to completely block all talk but cant for my childrens sake.


Try texting or emailing it keeps some distance between you. Its a lot better than speaking - its something about hearing the tone of their voice. It is going to be tough - this is a process but its something we're all going through so you're in the right place for tips on how to deal with this.

Its great you can see them whenever you want!! Does that mean you have to call her to let her know you want to see them?


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Try texting or emailing it keeps some distance between you. Its a lot better than speaking - its something about hearing the tone of their voice. It is going to be tough - this is a process but its something we're all going through so you're in the right place for tips on how to deal with this.
> 
> Its great you can see them whenever you want!! Does that mean you have to call her to let her know you want to see them?


usually just a text letting her know when I would like to come and I do talk to my children just about every night on the phone. my oldest has a phone.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> With adult children this may be ok (still not good) but you shouldn't use young children as messengers. Not even a written note in an envelope.
> 
> Keep the kids out of your relationship between you and ex or STBX.


I agree with you but in my situation oldest child is an accountant & paperwork ( nothing about divorce or seperation - just insurances etc.) is handed off through her. Like I said most communication is done through text or email between the two of us)


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Searching4Peace said:


> usually just a text letting her know when I would like to come and I do talk to my children just about every night on the phone. my oldest has a phone.


Good - keep the text to the point - no casual chit chat. I know it sounds harsh but its for the best. If mine starts texting about personal stuff it makes me uncomfortable. On the rare occasion he calls I stay to the point - he will tend to start going on about how hes feeling or what is ailing him that week. I let him go on and then bring the conversation back to the matter at hand but that's something I can do. If you're the type of person who will fall into her story then cut it off before she even starts. We all know our limits and if you don't know them now you will soon enough. Pay attention to what your head & heart say.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I agree with you but in my situation oldest child is an accountant & paperwork ( nothing about divorce or seperation - just insurances etc.) is handed off through her. Like I said most communication is done through text or email between the two of us)


Understood, but OP has small children. Just wanted to be sure he knows that using them as messengers is not a good idea.

_I handed mom a note. Mom got mad at note. Mom is mad at me._


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Good - keep the text to the point - no casual chit chat. I know it sounds harsh but its for the best. If mine starts texting about personal stuff it makes me uncomfortable. On the rare occasion he calls I stay to the point - he will tend to start going on about how hes feeling or what is ailing him that week. I let him go on and then bring the conversation back to the matter at hand but that's something I can do. If you're the type of person who will fall into her story then cut it off before she even starts. We all know our limits and if you don't know them now you will soon enough. Pay attention to what your head & heart say.


"I'm not ok with discussing your personal details. Our conversations should stick to kids and finances only."


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Understood, but OP has small children. Just wanted to be sure he knows that using them as messengers is not a good idea.
> 
> _I handed mom a note. Mom got mad at note. Mom is mad at me._


You're absolutely right. Beyond that little bit of involvement she wants nothing to do with what goes on between us & she'll be 24 later this month. As a child of divorce myself I fully understand.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NC is exactly what it states... no contact.
You have children so the only thing you should be discussing is co-parenting and the legalities of your divorce.
It is not difficult to do. Just stay away from anything that doesn't involve the above.


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## Searching4Peace (Jun 3, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> NC is exactly what it states... no contact.
> You have children so the only thing you should be discussing is co-parenting and the legalities of your divorce.
> It is not difficult to do. Just stay away from anything that doesn't involve the above.


I do not get the children involved. at all. still tuff tho. the old part of me would still like to help but legally not my responsibility. d has been going since December and should be finalized soon.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Searching4Peace said:


> I do not get the children involved. at all. still tuff tho. the old part of me would still like to help but legally not my responsibility. d has been going since December and should be finalized soon.


Yep, it's tough, but it's part of the deal.

Keep texts/emails short and to the point.

Care to share any details about how you and your W arrived at this point?
.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Its not your responsibility to help with anything unless it has to do with the children and even then - unless its a problem the two of you need to handle with the kids - don't fall into the pleasantries. You said you talk to your kids almost every night - they are old enough that you can talk about the good things with them directly.


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