# My Husband Does Not Want a Child



## ldec (Jun 21, 2011)

I am 32, my husband 33. I desperately want to have a child, he doesn't. He is type 1 diabetic and is terrified of passing this on to his child. Totally understandable, although there is not a definite genetic link (unlike type 2). He won't talk about adoption and won't talk to his doctor about the possibilities of giving this disorder to his child. We did talk about this before we married, he said that if I wanted a child, he would. Now, I don't know what to do.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

ldec said:


> I am 32, my husband 33. I desperately want to have a child, he doesn't. He is type 1 diabetic and is terrified of passing this on to his child. Totally understandable, although there is not a definite genetic link (unlike type 2). He won't talk about adoption and won't talk to his doctor about the possibilities of giving this disorder to his child. We did talk about this before we married, he said that if I wanted a child, he would. Now, I don't know what to do.


First off sounds like he lied to you about wanting a child. However, I guess its possible he may have wanted one at one time then changed his mind. However, I find it odd, he doesn't want a child based on the possibility he could pass it on to the child. This is where good education comes in and talking with his doctor about this issue and what the chances are. Makes me wonder if there is more to this than him being worried about passing it on.


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## ldec (Jun 21, 2011)

He is in general afraid to have kids. He says he's happy with just having his nephews and likes our life how it is. I know I just need to tell him this is a make or break situation. I haven't yet, because I've felt selfish. I don't know what it's like to have a have a life-altering disease.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ldec said:


> He is in general afraid to have kids. He says he's happy with just having his nephews and likes our life how it is. I know I just need to tell him this is a make or break situation. I haven't yet, because I've felt selfish. I don't know what it's like to have a have a life-altering disease.


Be honest with how important it is to you. Listen to his concerns. Find honest answers to his concerns not aimless speculation. It's all you can do. If truly his disease, talk to doctor and find out truth. If just doesn't want them, you have decision to make. I'm sorry you are butting heads over this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

ldec said:


> I am 32, my husband 33. I desperately want to have a child, he doesn't. He is type 1 diabetic and is terrified of passing this on to his child. Totally understandable, although there is not a definite genetic link (unlike type 2). He won't talk about adoption and won't talk to his doctor about the possibilities of giving this disorder to his child. We did talk about this before we married, he said that if I wanted a child, he would. Now, I don't know what to do.


For him to tell you he would have a child with you if you wanted one, knowing he really didn't, was not good, sounds like he misled you. I think he lied from the get go, whether it was about him being diabetic or not. Did he tell you he would have kids with you if you wanted them in hope you would marry him, because he knew if he told you no he didn't want kids you wouldn't marry him? If so and that is the case, how selfish of him. 

The bad part about this is, if he decided to have kids with you, even though deep down he doesn't want to, he will at some point harbor some resentment towards you and possibly the child. its a tough spot to be in thats for sure. Two people really need to be on the same page about having kids.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

So he changed the terms of the marriage after you were already married. That is a deal breaker IMHO. 

I can understand him having concerns about his illness. But that he refuses to discuss his supposed concerns with his doctor makes me wonder if he is not using his illness as an excuse.

You have a few choices here. . . .

You can agree to give up your dream of having children. (Kind of selfish of your husband to ask this of you since he agreed to children before the marriage.)

You can leave him and find someone who does want children with you.

You can adopt, that way there is no chance of him passing on his illness to the child.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you asked him WHY he will not discuss this with his doctor? Maybe he already knows its something he may or may not pass on, but doesn't want the doctor to tell him that or have you hear it, because then there goes his plans of not wanting to have kids. 

Can you talk to his doctor or do some research on what the chances might be about passing it on? If so, do that then talk t your husband about what you find out, watch his reaction.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow. having children is an enormous life long commitment for both partents to be. It is not something that should be pushed on a spouse and i wouldn't even consider it if my spouse said they would if I wanted. That is a recipe for disaster. Having raised 4 through college, I can tell you both parties should be committed beforehand.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

KanDo said:


> Wow. having children is an enormous life long commitment for both partents to be. It is not something that should be pushed on a spouse and i wouldn't even consider it if my spouse said they would if I wanted. That is a recipe for disaster. Having raised 4 through college, I can tell you both parties should be committed beforehand.


Huge commitment plus the most rewarding journey ever! If he's backed out after agreeing, that's pretty cruel!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ldec (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you everyone for the input. It has helped.


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## JLH3 (Jan 22, 2010)

My husband and I are in the same boat right now and he has very similar fears. Our son is a type 1 diabetic and my husband is afraid to have another kid with D. I understand but at the same time there is no D on either side of the family...the chances are greater of one of us developing it than passing it on to another child. I try to tell him this and it has been 5 years of arguing. I feel your pain. Hopefully he will come around. Keep pointing out the advances in treatment of D and the possibilities of passing it on. Maybe that will help. Good LucK!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Have you looked into talking with a geneticist to see what your odds look like?


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## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

You know, before I got married I thought we'd have children. After we got married I realized I did not want to have kids. I didn't purposely mislead my husband. I really thought we'd have kids. It's what married people do, right? 

At one point he said he did want one kid, but I'm super against it. I still feel guilty about it from time to time, but I couldn't handle being a mother. When I ask him now he says it's fine and stuff. I still feel guilty, but I really, really couldn't handle being a mother. Some may say this is selfish, but I'd end up in some prison somewhere if I had to deal with kids. So best for me just not to have any. 

Maybe it's more than just genetics for him? But he's afraid to say so? I know my husband doesn't always like to talk about his deep feelings.


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## jules41 (Jun 23, 2011)

Educate yourself on the possibilities of this being passed on. This is a huge decision, and should be made with proper knowledge, not just what you *think* could happen. If that is his only problem with having children, learning about the chances (whether good or bad) can help deal with it. BUT, obviously diabetes is not the only possible problem your child could be born with. You will love that baby with all your heart, no matter what ailments they come with. This is a scary thought and impossible to explain until you experience it. There are so many overwhelming things to consider, it is important to be on the same page. But also, it is important to understand that I don't think you will ever truly be *ready* to have a baby. It is scary on so many levels. That said, this would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. There is not a man on the planet that would be worth giving up a dream of being a mother.


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