# Husbands using a massage parlour.



## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I just found out that my husband has been using a massage parlour, he is telling me it is just for a regular massage and that he goes to these places because they can fit him in anytime? I feel so sick right now, I have no one to talk to about this, I am really embarrassed and I don't want to slander him to anyone. Is it possible he is going to these places for a legit massage?


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

depending on the place, it could very well be a legit massage. all the ones around here are straight forward massages with no happy ending. but we only have like 3 places here, and they play by the rules. there area few folks that will come to you, and of course some of them will do more than a massage.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Go there and see for yourself. Orrrrr invite yourself to his next session.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Oh, this is an easy one! 

Let him know you'll give him the massage instead. His response will reveal everything.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I searched up the parlours, they are Asian massage parlours, most have hours that run to midnight, he even has a bunch of the girl's numbers on his phone, they are definitely sexual parlours but he says he is going only for legit massages, he is even getting a receipt for insurance? One of the girls and her number came up as an escort when I google searched her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lol, yeah, he's messed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

albertamom3 said:


> I searched up the parlours, they are Asian massage parlours, most have hours that run to midnight, he even has a bunch of the girl's numbers on his phone, they are definitely sexual parlours but he says he is going only for legit massages, he is even getting a receipt for insurance? One of the girls and her number came up as an escort when I google searched her?


Polygraph for him.

And STD tests for you. Sadly.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

It's obvious right?

I keep questioning myself and all h is doing is denying it.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

They are in every main street here, it is so revolting. 

Your husband is getting his Happy Ending or a Rub and Tug as they are affectionately referred to.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Texas Sunny said:


> Go there and see for yourself. Orrrrr invite yourself to his next session.


yup, if it's for real, they should have scheduling options for (non-creepy) couples massages.

In PA, massage therapists have to take a state licensing test and have a membership number that you can search on the state database.

If they don't have some kind of certification you can verify, then that will be your answer.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> It's obvious right?
> 
> I keep questioning myself and all h is doing is denying it.


I guess you don't like my advice?

Tell him you'll give him the massage instead and then have a conversation about his response...


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out the he was getting "massages"?


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, it's just that I just found out about this this afternoon, the last thing I want to do right now if offer to do his massages instead, right now I am wondering if our marriage is over?

We have been having issues for a while, it's just that I thought we were working through them, now I just feel really stupid.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

He regularly goes for massage and chiropractic treatments. 

Last month I was snooping on his phone and I found password and login for a singles site.
I confronted him about and he lied until I showed him what I found. He said he was just checking it out for fun...he was really believable, and he has never given me a reason to doubt him, so I believed him. 

Today, I was looking at his phone again and that's when I noticed that he had a ton of massage numbers in his contacts, as well of a few girls names and numbers. Google searched the names of parlours and the names and number of the girls. 

2 of the parlours came up on a website that reviews this sort of thing, the men were discussing which girls are best and what not, so it was pretty obvious. 1 of the girls names and her number came up on an escort service site.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Well, I'm sorry you're going though this. I hope he can begin to be more truthful.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I hope you have a fire extinguisher nearby, because his pants are going to catch fire any minute now.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

That is the worst part, every ounce of me wants to believe him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> That is the worst part, every ounce of me wants to believe him.


That's understandable.

To know he truth, though, you must first be willing to accept it.

And it's right in front of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> He regularly goes for massage and chiropractic treatments.
> 
> Last month I was snooping on his phone and I found password and login for a singles site.
> I confronted him about and he lied until I showed him what I found. He said he was just checking it out for fun...he was really believable, and he has never given me a reason to doubt him, so I believed him.
> ...


Sounds pretty straightforward. I'd get tested for STD's, as soon as possible.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

How can we even talk about this if he won't admit it, what am I supposed to do now?

I will go to my doctor tomorrow.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First ask yourself this: if he were to admit to it, would you choose divorce or reconciliation?

For as long as he refuses to admit it (along w/ committing to stopping the behavior and committing to 100% transparency going forward), by the way, your choice should be divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I don't even know the answer to that. 


What your saying is it really doesn't matter if he admits it or not? It's so hard to make a decision without having confirmation, even though there is so much evidence.


I feel like the fact that he can't tell me the truth, shows me that there is no way we can fix this but then
I'm not sure if I would want to fix it
If he admitted it either??


Then there is the fact that he is denying it so much makes me want to believe him..


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Go to the places and inquire about their services. try to make an appointment. Look at the clientele. Are the surroundings of the shop nicely decorated and next door to Whole Foods? Is there a condom dispenser in the gents? 

What reason would he have for going to these places vs. a legit masseuse if he has a medical reason for going and insurance will cover? Find out if any of the places have been raided. 

Of course he is not going to tell you the truth, cheaters lie and lie and lie. They are very convincing. You can show a picture of him and the girl in the act and he will still deny it. Google the signs of cheating and the things cheaters say. They all follow the same script. Get a full panel of STD tests. 

Why are you embarrassed and concerned about exposing him? He humiliated and hurt you and exposed you to what could be deadly diseases. He does not love you enough to protect you now or in the past so you don't owe him protection. There are consequences for deception.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> It's obvious right?
> 
> I keep questioning myself and all h is doing is denying it.


I'm really sorry, but yes, it's obvious. Especially if he has the girls numbers and they are escorts and the place is known to do sex stuff.

Why did he not say anything to you before going in the first place? Do you two have the kind of marriage where you go do things outside the home/work where you don't mention what you're up to to each other? 

That in itself is suspicious. If this is so innocent, why isn't he saying things like "I'll be home a little late, I'm getting a massage after work."

I liked the Polygraph test idea above. Tell him you want him to take one and don't back off if he says "sure." Follow through. If he says that's too expensive explain to him that it's less than he's spent on massages you knew nothing about. 

And yeah, probably would be very wise for you to get an STD test done ASAP.

Sorry. This sucks.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> How can we even talk about this if he won't admit it, what am I supposed to do now?
> 
> I will go to my doctor tomorrow.


Check his phone history. Is he making calls or texting?

If he's calling, VAR his car. Read the Standard evidence post to learn how.

Figure out when he is going. If you can, have a friend follow him, or hire a PI.

Don't expect him to ever admit what he did, even with irrefutable evidence. You want to know for sure for you. You want to know to be confident you did the right thing. You want to know for your sanity, as he will try to convince you he is crazy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a legit massage parlour in our town. 

They were not doing so well and they began offering exta services and were busted.

BTW, is your husband really trying to have sex at the expense of the insurance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

He said he found these places on Craigslist and kijiji
And they work well for him because you don't really need to make
An appointment. 
We are in Canada and massage can be claimed with your work benefits as long as the place is registered.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> Then there is the fact that he is denying it so much makes me want to believe him..


This is natural. And of course you want to believe him because then life could go back to normal.

Do some research on polygraph tests in your area, then ask him to take a polygraph. If he acts outraged, that's a bad sign. If he says "sure." set it up. Most cheaters say "sure" thinking you'll assume they must be honest and not go through with it. I've read about a LOT of "pre polygraph" confessions in the minutes before you're getting in the car to go.

Also, if you do a polygraph I've read they only ask 2 or 3 questions, so you want to write down ALL your questions and ask him before the polygraph when he doesn't know which of those questions they're going to ask during the test.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There is a possibility that it's a legit place. You should check it with your own eyes. I've read that even in the shady places that are giving "happy endings" there are customers who actually go for a massage. 

You have to do the recon in person. Calling the place is not enough. Maybe get a trusted male (brother, cousin) to check it out for you. If it's a shady place, they'll put on the legit appearance for woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here

1. No self respecting, decently married H should be frequenting these types of massage places when there are legit ones available
2. He has been obviously mongering on the internet - no married man has any reason to be involved in this practice either
3. sounds like he is gas lighting you and you don't seem to have the backbone or nerve to follow through on consequences
4. Get yourself STD tested, if he's been doing more that slapping the sausage then you will have been sleeping with all of the men those women have slept with
5. Why have you been having problems in your marriage? Has he become disengaged?
6. Let your friends and family know exactly what he has been up to
7. Go see a counsellor for youself to work through your feelings and get yourself some self respect to call him out on his ****
8. Go see a lawyer and present him with the papers, tell him, he has no right to be in those places, or be online chatting girls, etc. If he wants the single life he can have it, you need to get some self respect.

I do hope you have no kids. Remember, usually what you see is only the tip of the iceberg so yes, he has probably slept with a few of them. Do not fall for his gas lighting and lies.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> He said he found these places on Craigslist and kijiji
> And they work well for him because you don't really need to make
> An appointment.
> We are in Canada and massage can be claimed with your work benefits as long as the place is registered.


So he has receipts then? Look at the totals and see if the amounts correspond to standard massage or if they are higher (therefore extra services included). 

But seriously, your husband is not going for a strictly medical massage at a massage parlor that has workers with escort services advertised online.

And let me guess - he never mentioned these massages to you. He only explained them AFTER you found the contacts on his phone, right? If that is the case, then there is no doubt. If he was going for medically therapeutic messages, he would have mentioned it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> I don't even know the answer to that.
> 
> 
> What your saying is it really doesn't matter if he admits it or not? It's so hard to make a decision without having confirmation, even though there is so much evidence.
> ...


And then there is this~I went through these exact same feelings with my cheating husband. It took me a few years to finally see that he had been lying to me all along. (In my case, what he told me was an emotional affair turned out to be very physical.) I was fortunate that he blurted it out to me one day; but then told me his counselor said it was the best thing or he wouldn't have told me at all. Nice.

I understand your pain. It is shocking isn't it? To look at this man you married and hear all the denial and you just can NOT believe he would be capable of this. Please don't make the mistake I did. It will save you more pain in the future. He is capable of doing it. If you get outside of it for a minute; and really look at what you have in front of you, you will realize this. I wanted my marriage to go back to the way it was that I let myself deny right along with him. I was so unhappy and didn't realize that when I accepted that yes; my husband had betrayed me and he wasn't coming back and neither was our marriage, it was a relief in many ways.

I know it is hard, but deal with this now. Don't retreat and believe him. He will lie to your face over and over so prepare yourself for this. I am sorry you are here.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Before you drive yourself crazy, go to the parlor and check it out. Make an appointment with the lady who does his massage and check out the atmosphere. 

Just because he goes to parlor that you think offer extra, does not mean your H is doing anything wrong. 

Your distrust is probably stemming from something else happening. If this is one of your red flags then check it out.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

albertamom3 said:


> It's obvious right?
> 
> I keep questioning myself and all h is doing is denying it.


The denying of very obvious cheating behavior is typical for the husbands. It delays further confrontation and sometimes even let the situation continue.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

The thing is, I think it is possible that he could have had a regular massage at one of these places, the money does not add up, he is spending $80 to $100 for a massage which could possibly just be a regular massage but who
Knows if he is getting a massage at all? 
He is getting a receipt for insurance but that doesn't really prove anything either because they could have a registered masseuse signing the receipts?

I don't know how these places work?

What I do know is that he is going to and seeking out these types of massage parlours? Why would
You do that unless you wanted more than a massage.

Also, he had numbers on his cell phone of masseuses and when I google their numbers and names they come up as escorts?

On Craigslist he has an add on his favorited of a Asian massage parlour and the add has pictures of half naked women? Obviously he knows what type of place it is.

I don't think going to these places are going to help me, they will treat me differently because I am a women.

I looked into polygraph and we have a local place here. I am going to tell him I need him to do this in order to believe him.

Everything in my body is screaming that he is lying to me...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi there, fellow Albertan here.

First of all, like someone else said, you need to get STD tested stat. And DO NOT have sex with your husband AT ALL.

OK, so I know exactly the type of place you are talking about. The receipts your husband gets only need to have a valid RMT or NT registration number on them for him to get his money back from insurance. Rub and tugs all have real therapists on staff who have valid numbers for this purpose. But if your husband is frequenting these places, GUARANTEED he is getting more than just the rub part. GUARANTEED.

OK here is the hard part. Your attitude needs to change. You know what hes doing. You KNOW. So you need to tell him that you know, and do NOT accept his lameass excuses any more, because he is LYING. You know he is lying. So you have to visit a lawyer and initiate a divorce. I know that is not what you want to do but it really is the only thing that might get his attention at this point. He has you right where he wants you - wanting to believe his lies so he can keep on doing his dirty little deeds.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My husband has degenerative disks in his back so he’s in a lot of pain often. I occasionally get him gift certificates for massages at REPUTABLE places here in town. I occasionally rub his back too, but I know I’m not able to really get to the deep tissue to make him feel better so I tend to leave it to the pros. I know he loves the massages because of how much he moans and groans when *I* do it. It’s very therapeutic for his pain. 

However, there are 2 here in town that are known to be the special Happy Ending places. There isn’t a person in this town that doesn’t know what they are. If your husband is going to one of these places, he is perfectly aware of what goes on there. The fact that he could get a normal massage there is moot. He has these womens numbers in his phone and he’s searching dating websites? 

This is bad. All bad.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband will probably tell you that he welcomes a polygraph. This is also a lie. But he may bluster his way through it too. A lot of guys try to do it, hoping it proves what they want it to prove.

You really don't need the polygraph - you KNOW what he is doing. You do.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sounds like this may not turn out to be the happy ending your H was looking for :surprise:

Do you have any male friends that you can ask to go to the massage parlour, see what types of "services" are offered (If male friend is married run it by his wife first lol)?


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> what am I supposed to do now?


It's not that I don't like being ignored, really. It's not that I don't like paying attention to someone in trouble. And it's not that I don't like drama. It's just that I like simple, clear recommendations that make intuitive sense.

Again: Tell him you'll give him the massage, his response will tell you everything you need to know.

That IS what you're after here, right?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why in gods name would she want to give him a massage right now?? He could have who knows WHAT kind of scummy disease from cavorting with hookers - I'd be staying MILES away from his pecker, and the rest of him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He has been frequenting "massage parlours", he has saved the names and numbers of multiple women who work there and who also apparently advertise themselves as prostitutes online, and he's registered on a singles site. I think it's safe to say he's been up to no good.

Around here, the sketchy "massage parlours" charge about $80-$100 for a brief massage and hand job. Oral and PIV are extra. 

You know the truth, but it hurts and you don't want to know. You want to believe. I get that. So, take the polygraph advice. Tell him he is going in for a polygraph where he will be asked about sexual contact with ANYONE of ANY KIND since your marriage. And follow through! A lot of cheaters confess in the parking lot, so that is possible. Even if he does that, assume he is still concealing the worst of it and make him do the poly anyways.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> The thing is, I think it is possible that he could have had a regular massage at one of these places, the money does not add up, he is spending $80 to $100 for a massage which could possibly just be a regular massage but who
> Knows if he is getting a massage at all?
> He is getting a receipt for insurance but that doesn't really prove anything either because they could have a registered masseuse signing the receipts?
> 
> ...



He does know what kind of places he is going to; of course he does!

Listen to what your body is telling you~


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's sad that he's gas lighting her into thinking she's wrong.

Keep in mind that just the appearance of impropriety should be enough to avoid those places like the plague. Instead, he's dialing hookers and favoriting their hostels.

You are not wrong. Treat him accordingly. On a positive note-- it's unlikely that there's much of an emotional bond with the hookers, on a neg. note--- he sounds addicted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It is very sad; but this is what cheaters are experts at doing. They turn it around on the BS and the BS starts questioning if they are the ones in the wrong. 
"I would NEVER do something like that!" Heard that one too many times to count.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Why in gods name would she want to give him a massage right now?? He could have who knows WHAT kind of scummy disease from cavorting with hookers - *I'd be staying MILES away from his pecker*, and the rest of him.


Quoting simply because you used the word "pecker"

:smthumbup::toast::woohoo:


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

There is literally a 5 to 10% chance that your husband is telling the truth. That being said, if he's just getting a hand job would you leave him? That's bad but not the worst thing in the world. To me the worst thing about this is the lies. He should have just come clean and dealt with the consequences. Instead he's only made it worse. Do you all have a satisfying sex life? How do you get along otherwise? He seems to really desire contact with other women. Be it via massage, a dating website whatever, he is filling some sort of void that is there. He doesn't want to lose his marriage but there are some serious issues here. I can understand maybe going for a massage and in the heat of the moment getting a happy ending once or twice but this is repeated behavior. Most men will have a hard time turning that down in that situation especially if the lady is attractive. He knows this but still continues to go. I'd suggest you tell him you don't want him to go to any more massage parlors that you don't approve of. When he balks at this just present your evidence. That should shut him up.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

We were having troubles 2 -3 years ago. He was unhappy about the frequency of our sexlife. I came to TAM looking for advice and it was like I got hit by a train! I realized if things didn't change, something like this could happen. So I made some changes and things got better, obviously not good enough.

He has been going to massage for as long as I have known him, he has chronic pain in neck.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

HJ, BJ or whatever..... It doesn't matter.

He's not happy, I tried to make him happy and it's not enough. There is no reason to try anymore, I just don't understand why he can't just be honest with me. 

Last night he said "your being crazy" 
That is how I feel right now but when I look at the whole picture.

Let's just pretend he didn't have any sexual contact (yet) he was obviously looking for it. The singles website, the Inappropriate parlours, the escorts numbers.....

Obviously, he is not happy with me. 
I at least tried and now I can move on without wondering if I could have done something to fix things.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> Obviously, he is not happy with me.
> I at least tried and now I can move on without wondering if I could have done something to fix things.


NO! He is not happy with HIMSELF. He may not be happy in the marriage. That much is true. A lot of people use that as an excuse to cheat. Needs not being fulfilled, sexual or otherwise. But the ROOT of it is, he’s selfish, he did it because HE wanted to. Instead of leaving or working on the issues with you, he WANTED to seek attention – sexual and otherwise – from other women. This has nothing to do with you, how good you are, how worthy you are, NOTHING like that. HE is flawed. YOU are not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> NO! He is not happy with HIMSELF. He may not be happy in the marriage. That much is true. A lot of people use that as an excuse to cheat. Needs not being fulfilled, sexual or otherwise. But the ROOT of it is, he’s selfish, he did it because HE wanted to. Instead of leaving or working on the issues with you, he WANTED to seek attention – sexual and otherwise – from other women. This has nothing to do with you, how good you are, how worthy you are, NOTHING like that. HE is flawed. YOU are not.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

If you don't stop thinking this has ANYTHING to do with you, you're destined for a life of heartache my dear.

PLEASE do some work on your self esteem before entering into another relationship. NO ONE causes someone else to do what your husband did!! Did you tie him up with no pants on and make him submit to the ministrations of these asian 'masseuses'? NO. Therefore it's NOT YOU.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's amazing how all cheaters follow the same script. 

He is a serial cheater, those are the worse kind. They can't stop, it is not in their nature. He has shown he does not care enough about you to stop hurting you. 

He will never stop. You can stay and blame yourself or live in denial if that is easier for you than D. If you decide to stay, get tested for Std's every 3 months. 

I think the rewards of opening your eyes and ditching this loser will be enormous. You have a bright future but you need to go through the pain of D before you can leave this nightmare behind. 

Read about the games cheaters play, knowledge is power. The accusations of the BS being crazy is classic deflection. It will help if you know what you are dealing with, makes it easy to move on. 

23 Things Men Say when They Cheat ... ? ? Love


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Don't walk. Run to your nearest Lawyer.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

So, I finally got him to admit it, I told him I wanted a polygraph. He admitted to 2 times happy endings, I year ago.

So that's that. 

I still know he is lying, but really what does it matter.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I went to get tested today. 
So, hopefully... He said I have nothing to worry about.

I just want to say thank you for all the advice.
I really needed someone talk to.

I will not be staying
In this marriage.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

It's time to let him go. He really doesn't care. Get your affairs in order and file for D.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wonder if he will be pleased with the Happy Ending that you are about to instigate for YOU?

IE the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> I went to get tested today.
> So, hopefully... He said I have nothing to worry about.
> 
> I just want to say thank you for all the advice.
> ...


You already KNEW, he has just confirmed it. Now follow through, he will never stop, he has lied and cheated on you for a long time. You are worth much more than this. Get the IC sorted then go see a lawyer, you do not need a poly graph. A decently married man does not have semi naked women on his phone, period. You KNOW this, stop trying to minimise, second guess. DIVORCE him.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

My husband gets his deep tissue massages done by a sports physical therapist in a medical clinic Surely a genuine injury needs proper care.

He is lying to you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> So, I finally got him to admit it, I told him I wanted a polygraph. He admitted to 2 times happy endings, I year ago.
> 
> So that's that.
> 
> I still know he is lying, but really what does it matter.


That's rather typical from what I have heard. Betrayed spouses who ask for polygraphs usually get a little more truth from the Wayward because the Wayward is hoping that by giving some of the terrible truth they can avoid the poly and the entire truth.

I am so sorry for the pain this must be causing you.



albertamom3 said:


> I went to get tested today.
> So, hopefully... He said I have nothing to worry about.
> 
> I just want to say thank you for all the advice.
> ...


Some STD's are transferable via skin to skin contact. Lower transmission rates than for penetrative sex, but it is still possible. So, testing is the smart thing to do. Just because he hasn't admitted to more than HJ's doesn't mean he didn't do more. Absolutely best to err on the side of caution. You will probably want to go back for a re-test in 6-12 months due to incubation times.

You are very welcome for the advice and we're here for you if you still need someone to talk to. Most of the forum has been where you are.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You're right to get out of this marriage. He's still TT'ing you and is a remorseless serial cheater.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, trickle truth. 
You are right for divorcing. So sorry for your pain. He should have known the consequences for his actions. I do think he's a serial cheater, thing is, his only opportunities apparently were with prostitutes. 

You're better off without him and finding a trustworthy guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Why in gods name would she want to give him a massage right now?? He could have who knows WHAT kind of scummy disease from cavorting with hookers - I'd be staying MILES away from his pecker, and the rest of him.


She'd offer b/c it's a low drama way to get to the truth. 

Some folks often come here seeking that, you know.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

So, I get now what "the trickle truth" is. 
Now I am so pissed off...... I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me the truth. Actually he is refusing to tell me the whole truth. 

He said he's embarrassed? And he's not saying anymore because he's not proud of it? Really? .... That's obvious. 

I don't really care if he feels embarrassed to talk about, I need to hear the truth!

What I want from him is for him to be honest? I feel like it's the least he can do.

But I guess it really doesn't matter, does it? 
Our marriage is done anyways.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> It's not that I don't appreciate your advice, it's just that I just found out about this this afternoon, the last thing I want to do right now if offer to do his massages instead, right now I am wondering if our marriage is over?
> 
> We have been having issues for a while, it's just that I thought we were working through them, now I just feel really stupid.


None of this is on you, it's all 100% him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aine said:


> Sorry you are here
> 
> 1. No self respecting, decently married H should be frequenting these types of massage places when there are legit ones available
> 2. He has been obviously mongering on the internet - no married man has any reason to be involved in this practice either
> ...


Self respecting husband here, THIS IS TOTALLY CORRECT. I am sorry OP but if it swims, and quacks like a duck.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Yup!!

What a fool I was...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Does he know the marriage is over?

Stop calling yourself a fool. Just stop.

What you need to do is just tell him where you're at and that you would like the truth from him once and for all but you're well aware that, coward that he is, he's probably never going to give it to you. Tell him this is just for your peace of mind, nothing more. If he tells you, great. If he doesn't, that's fine too.

You do know that even if you DO get the full truth, you'll never fully believe it.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

He already admitted it, then he admitted more and now he said he is not saying anything else, your right I wouldn't know when it was the whole truth.

I know this has been going on for a while.
I know he is a liar.
I know I can't believe anything he says.
I know this is not my fault.
I know I deserve way better than this.
I know that I am going to be so much happier in the future.
I know that my kids are going to be ok.
I know that This is NOT normal behaviour.

What I don't know is te person I have been with for the last 21 years.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So after reading this thread, W and I were out yesterday in another part of town (nice part) and passed a big place called "Chinese Massage". It is in the suburbs in a strip mall surrounded by expensive houses. I am curious what they do there. Massages?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> So after reading this thread, W and I were out yesterday in another part of town (nice part) and passed a big place called "Chinese Massage". It is in the suburbs in a strip mall surrounded by expensive houses. I am curious what they do there. Massages?


The more appropriate question to ask "What won't they do?" :wink2:


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> He already admitted it, then he admitted more and now he said he is not saying anything else, your right I wouldn't know when it was the whole truth.
> 
> I know this has been going on for a while.
> I know he is a liar.
> ...


This is the true pain of betrayal. How we can not fathom how our husband/wife could do to this to us in the first place. It is a shock when you finally realize it. Right now you do not know your husband at all or the things he is/has been capable of. Just know you are not alone. When you start doubting then go back and read what you said above. All of those things are going to help you get through this.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Unicus said:


> She'd offer b/c it's a low drama way to get to the truth.
> 
> Some folks often come here seeking that, you know.


obviously this is a non-issue now that the OP has the truth, but if anyone else is reading in this situation themselves - in most states, LMTs (licensed massage therapists) are highly trained (18 months of full-time school plus an exam and continuing ed in my state), so their services can't really be replicated at home. That'd be an easy answer for a spouse to give even if they were really going to sleezy places where sexual favors were included. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

veganmermaid said:


> so their services can't really be replicated at home. That'd be an easy answer for a spouse to give even if they were really going to sleezy places where sexual favors were included.


Well, maybe they'd be able to think (and talk) that fast. People who go to a LMT aren't the issue, it's people who go to "Massage parlours" for sexual favors. Those folks would have a hard time talking their way out of the offer to get the massage at home.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> He already admitted it, then he admitted more and now he said he is not saying anything else, your right I wouldn't know when it was the whole truth.
> 
> I know this has been going on for a while.
> I know he is a liar.
> ...


so so sorry AM, but you sound strong and you will be OK, it is difficult for a leopard to change its spots!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

@albertamom3 how are you doing?


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I'm doing ok, I am over the initial shock of all this. I am getting a divorce.....

Now I'm trying to figure out how I move forward. I am a stay at home mom who works part time, my income is inconsistent. I am trying to research what my options are, I don't want to move from our house, I have 3 children and I feel like staying home is the best option but I can't keep the mortgage on my own.

I have been dealing with my spouse and trying to figure a way to manage financially, he insists he will take care of us but I know that's the quilt talking.

I can't believe anything he says to me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know if this helps but I divorced when my kids were 5 and 2. I'd been staying at home and went back to work. 

My boys flourished, and they saw me go to work and do what needs to be done. I feel like they've learned a lot watching me build my career and we're very close. They very much look up to me. 

I recommend against relying on your ex financially. You're risking a lot and there's a decent chance that one the divorce is done and he tries to move on with other women he may change his mind about how much he wants to give you. 

And he may simply find that he can't support two households.

It may not be reasonable for you to continue staying home. Unless you've got a kid with a lot of special needs your kids will be fine with you working. 

Mine loved playing with other kids in daycare and after school care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Did you get a lawyer?

Is it possible to save the expense and work it out amicably?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

albertamom3 said:


> Did you get a lawyer?
> 
> Is it possible to save the expense and work it out amicably?


You need things to be legally enforceable, in case there are disagreements down the track.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> Did you get a lawyer?
> 
> Is it possible to save the expense and work it out amicably?


Yes, I got a lawyer. My offer was reasonable and his lawyer told him to take it before I changed my mind. 

He wanted it to be amicable without lawyers, but he would've jacked it around because he didn't want the divorce. It was still amicable with lawyers because the agreement was fair. 

It's extremely risky to forego lawyers because at the end of the day this is a business deal, but emotions are going to be involved. 

And you can't even negotiate as an equal because you're financially dependent and don't want to work full time, so your hb basically has all the cards here. He can manipulate you any way he wants and there's nothing you can do because you have no leverage. 

Unless you can leverage his trips to hookers and threaten to expose, but even that is weak and it will turn ugly.

Get a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I have plenty of leverage.

I am only in a tough spot because I have been working part time to accommodate my family, I will be going back to work but even so, it's doubtful I would qualify for a mortgage on my own.

I will get a lawyer, sounds like it will be worth the expense.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think so. He can squawk, but you can tell him that it's not about screwing him, it's about setting up a fair deal for both of you that's enforceable by the court. 

How does your hb feel about a divorce? Forgive me if you already addressed that and I missed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

He's asked me to forgive him, he said he would get counselling and be a better husband and father. He said if it was reversed he would forgive me.

The thing is, I can't forgove him. I know I won't be able to move past this.

He knows we are getting a divorce, he won't fight me on it. He's being really cooperative right now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That's good, I would just have doubts that he'll continue to be cooperative once things really sink in. 

And as long as you don't have legal representation he can pretend to be nice and hide money. ... I've seen that happen before. 

He can do all kinds of shady stuff behind your back while you think he's being nice. 

I'd bet part of him still thinks he's got a chance, that's why he's trying to be nice. 

And the part about how he'd forgive you? Hollow words that mean nothing, since you've not put him in this position. It's like my deadbeat sister whining about how she's give you money if she had it..... that's nice, but she'll never be in that position. She's always in the position of taker.

It would be interesting to hear his response if you asked his permission to go out and sleep with a few different men. 

I don't blame you, I wouldn't forgive it either and I'd never look at him the same again. It's a shame that he was willing to trash his family for a bunch of hookers. 

Unless he didn't really think you'd dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If the old boy swears off the prostitutes and truly changes his behavior AND he has no diseases, maybe you could stay married. I doubt he will, he has no right to expect another chance, and you are in the right.

However, taking him for every penny is not right(I know you didn't say that, OP).
Seems like stay at home wives do seem pretty entitled when it comes to divorcing. It sounds like one of the guy's good points was that he was a good provider.
If you want to fire him from that role, and you're justified in doing that, consider getting a full time job yourself and doing your part to earn a living. I'm sure you are. 
I only mention it because it seems like what 95% of stay at home wives think is "fair" is not even close to fair to the husband. Try to be fair.
He's a lousy husband. You're canning him on that. But no need to leave him destitute just because you don't want to get a full time job. 
I did see a post that mentioned since you may not work full time, you should expect xyz. 
My thoughts are when it comes to fair, there should be no room for anything but both spouses to work full time after divorce.
Again, I do agree with others that you should hire an attorney. But an attorney couldn't care less about fair---- the more you get, the more they get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> If the old boy swears off the prostitutes and truly changes his behavior AND he has no diseases, maybe you could stay married. I doubt he will, he has no right to expect another chance, and you are in the right.
> 
> However, taking him for every penny is not right(I know you didn't say that, OP).
> Seems like stay at home wives do seem pretty entitled when it comes to divorcing. It sounds like one of the guy's good points was that he was a good provider.
> ...



Not necessarily. I paid my lawyer a flat fee for a contested divorce and she deferred to what I wanted. 

She asked what I wanted and I told her that I wanted a divorce and for my kids to be supported, as well as the house as they lived there. He was leaving with the military anyway.

I was entitled to a chunk of his military retirement as well as other things I let him keep, and he had way more then he came to the marriage with thanks to me. I did a lot of investing that he got half of. 

My lawyer asked what my plans for the future were and when I told her she said you're going to be fine, let him keep his retirement. Get cs and keep the house until either you sell (then he gets half of equity) or youngest child turns 18.

As it turned out i remarried and sold him my half for quite cheap.

Many lawyers will defer to what you want, but it's their job to see you get a fair deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I don't plan on taking him for everything and I do plan on working. I just need some time. I was a lab technician and made decent money, I will need to retrain because my certification has expired but I fully intend on supporting myself and my kids.

With that being said he makes 100 plus and he will rebound a lot quicker than I will, I need time. 

He and I have been together since we were kids, everything we have we have because we both worked hard, I supported him through school twice and two different careers. I am not unfamiliar with working.
Had I ever thought this was possible, I never would have put myself in such a vulnerable position. Sadly, now that would be my advice for women who are deciding to stay home and raise their family, it's not a fun position to be in if things go bad.

I'm MAD!

I have had only a few days to try to absorb all of this, and still I have to consider him and how he will manage. He is still the father of my kids, I need him to be ok for them. I don't have the luxury of wanting to hurt him like he hurt me or my children. I can't lose my mind and claw his eyes out, even though sometimes I feel like that's exactly what I want to do. He chose this, not me. He chose a disgusting lifestyle and he didn't think twice about how this was going to affect us. Anything I do to him, I do to my children. So, he will be fine.

he says he wants to help me through school and keep the kids in the house, but I can't trust a single thing he says to me, I don't even know who he is.

I will get a lawyer and hopefully get some time to get myself back on my feet.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You need to change your frame of reference and quickly. He is no longer your husband and no longer your concern. Please don't be unfair to yourself or your children in your rush to protect you WH. 

Instead of putting the focus on him, focus on the well being and future of your children and their mother who will be their support. 

He will be free of wife and family and probably quickly get over his guilt once your are out of site. You can be sure he will have enough money to buy sex so he should have enough to support his children and help his LW get on her feet. 

If you don't drive a hard but fair bargain, you will be depriving them. Also consider that he may be the type of man who D his children along with his wife so don't count on him to be there to help you raise them. 

You need a lawyer. If you helped him through school twice, you invested in his ability to pull in 100K. Depending on your state, you may be able to have him pay for you to go to school to make higher pay.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> He's asked me to forgive him, he said he would get counselling and be a better husband and father. He said if it was reversed he would forgive me.
> 
> The thing is, I can't forgove him. I know I won't be able to move past this.
> 
> He knows we are getting a divorce, he won't fight me on it. He's being really cooperative right now.


Of course he is being cooperative cause he knows he is screwed. Do NOT let your guard down, he has treated you awfully and is fully capable of turning nasty. Be polite and business like but do not succumb to his charms, women usually fall for that kind of thing. Be on guard, remember your objective is to get out in the way that is best for YOU!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> If the old boy swears off the prostitutes and truly changes his behavior AND he has no diseases, maybe you could stay married. I doubt he will, he has no right to expect another chance, and you are in the right.
> 
> However, taking him for every penny is not right(I know you didn't say that, OP).
> Seems like stay at home wives do seem pretty entitled when it comes to divorcing. It sounds like one of the guy's good points was that he was a good provider.
> ...


ER, it is only fair if the WH also takes equal responsibility for raising the kids, bringing them to extracurricular, school, shopping, feeding them etc. If he doesn't then she should charge him for her share. Too many H think that the wife should work when divorced but she ends up with the bulk of the child care too, if he had to pay someone to raise the kids for him, it would cost him, but usually that is not factored in. Taking on that responsibility also impacts a woman's career.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

That is a good point, even now as I'm considering what I am goin to do, I still have to factor in hours and shift work. 

I really appreciate everyone's advice, thank you so much.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

aine said:


> ER, it is only fair if the WH also takes equal responsibility for raising the kids, bringing them to extracurricular, school, shopping, feeding them etc. If he doesn't then she should charge him for her share. Too many H think that the wife should work when divorced but she ends up with the bulk of the child care too, if he had to pay someone to raise the kids for him, it would cost him, but usually that is not factored in. Taking on that responsibility also impacts a woman's career.


Yes, that sounds reasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Since you're in Alberta, child support will be court mandated and plugged into a formula. Get a lawyer asap and get the ball rolling on that part of it. You DO want the courts involved even if he pays, and do NOT take payments that do not go through maintenance enforcement - they can't be tracked and it's to both your benefits to track them.

My experience quickly - I am out of time - went on welfare even tho I had a uni degree (kids were 4 mos 2 yrs 4 yrs) stayed home for a year then went to work got off welfare after 4-5 years. Get all the subsidies you can - I had rent, daycare (two for that) health insurance subsidies. And legal aid for the lawyer fees. Also U of A does legal aid type stuff. Good luck and god bless will write more tomorrow.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Yes, I am definitely getting a lawyer. 

My H is just lying and lying and lying. My heart is breaking....


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

albertamom3 said:


> Yes, I am definitely getting a lawyer.
> 
> My H is just lying and lying and lying. My heart is breaking....


Hang in there. You wil get through this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> Yes, I am definitely getting a lawyer.
> 
> My H is just lying and lying and lying. My heart is breaking....


Once you have the immediate stuff out of the way, take a breather. Did you get your STD results yet?

I totally agree that you need to make sure you don't let your guard down. Do as much communication with him in writing as you can, and save it all with dates and even times. Write notes after phone conversations. I know that sounds like a PITA, but you just might be REALLY glad you did it later.

Are you managing to eat and sleep? 

How old are your kids?


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

My tests came back clear, but the doctor suggested I go back at 3 months and then again at 6 months.

Not eating, not sleeping, I got some sleeping pills from the doctor but I'm trying to be careful about how much I use them as they are pretty addictive. It's like a roller coaster, I'm up and down. Yesterday was a bad day but today I'm feeling better.

I made a bunch of calls and have an appointment to see a lawyer, I think I will settle a bit once I speak with them about all the details with the separation.

My kids are 12,10 and 6
They seem to be doing OK, I am going to set up some counselling right away for them, apparently there is a course I have to take in Alberta about parenting and separation? Its online, Its supposed to be a good resource with this sort of thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh yes, the wonderful 'course'. Waste of time but apparently ya gotta do it. When I divorced 20 years ago it was in person. I could have taught it - they talked about how to be a good co-parent. Maybe it's changed since then.

You're smart to be careful, but do use the pills once or twice a week because you DO need some sleep. And try to force yourself to eat. Do you like to cook?

You sound well - good thinking to set up counseling for your kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> My tests came back clear, but the doctor suggested I go back at 3 months and then again at 6 months.
> 
> Not eating, not sleeping, I got some sleeping pills from the doctor but I'm trying to be careful about how much I use them as they are pretty addictive. It's like a roller coaster, I'm up and down. Yesterday was a bad day but today I'm feeling better.
> 
> ...


Have you told your family, his family and friends? You need the support right now, do not hide this from them. Choose one or two close family or friends who will be your support through this. You did nothing wrong, except love a man who has lied through his teeth, you have nothing to be ashamed of, do not carry this burden alone.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> I'm doing ok, I am over the initial shock of all this. I am getting a divorce.....


You're doing the right thing. You're husband is a serial cheat who put your health in jeopardy and disrespect you and your marriage just for his own gratification. He's a piece of trash. Treat him as such and put him on the curb.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I told my mom, the first thing she said was "Weren't you keeping him happy in bed?"

Yeah, that was like a punch in the gut.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

albertamom3 said:


> I told my mom, the first thing she said was "Weren't you keeping him happy in bed?"
> 
> Yeah, that was like a punch in the gut.


Your mom has the typical attitude of women from her generation. Sadly it's very common.

If you feel the need and feel strong enough, you can educate them. Did you ask your mom if she thinks she was ever cheated on?


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

No, I didn't say anything at first...

she wanted details about our frequency, Ha, I just told her we were still frequent enough that he should not have been going to hookers, and that he is a grown man, if he needed to do this he should have left.

Then I said well I just thought you should know what was going on, Bye.

??


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. Your mom's not very helpful is she? (I had to think of a polite way to say that ha!)

My parents don't know anything beyond the fact that when I kicked him out it 'involved infidelity on his part'. That's all I told them. They are extremely religious and I think if I told them it involved a hooker and an escort service the ick factor would be too much for them to contain. My sister is the only one I've talked frankly with about all the details. Besides our MC.

Hopefully your mom leaves it alone from now on. If she ever says something like that to you again, have a comeback ready that will shut her up for good.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

albertamom3 said:


> I told my mom, the first thing she said was "Weren't you keeping him happy in bed?"
> 
> Yeah, that was like a punch in the gut.


Unfortunately with some guys it's not about frequency but variety....

They are not salvagable men. Replace him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> No, I didn't say anything at first...
> 
> she wanted details about our frequency, Ha, I just told her we were still frequent enough that he should not have been going to hookers, and that he is a grown man, if he needed to do this he should have left.
> 
> ...


A grown man should have talked to his wife, no, your WH has other issues.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> No, I didn't say anything at first...
> 
> she wanted details about our frequency, Ha, I just told her we were still frequent enough that he should not have been going to hookers, and that he is a grown man, if he needed to do this he should have left.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry your mom reacted like that. :/ My mom also doesn't know about my WH's transgressions, but that's because she is a NPD abuser. (Sounds like your mom may have some issues too, though... Something to explore in individual therapy, maybe?)

Hang in there. Surround yourself with supportive people and do something kind for yourself every day. Keep posting and just keep breathing.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

albertamom3 said:


> I told my mom, the first thing she said was "Weren't you keeping him happy in bed?"
> 
> Yeah, that was like a punch in the gut.


Take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes the shock of hearing things like that can make people unfairly place the blame on the wrong person, and she likely (hopefully) didn't mean anything by it. I doubt it has anything to do with her generation "allowing" men to do things like that, and is simply just the fact that she copes with strife in that manner.

My ex wife's mother reacted to things similarly, more because she didn't like leaving her comfy bubble of a life. It's not that she didn't care, it's that she simply didn't know how to deal with things like that. She was extremely focused on appearances, including that of her kids (as they directly reflected upon her) and as long as everything was okay on the surface, there was nothing to worry about. A real-life Stepford wife, honest to god.

When my ex wife left me for another man and it was brutally clear to anyone who knew her/us that she had cheated, her mother just completely withdrew and probably felt a lot of shame. It brought a lot of embarrassment to her. 2 of her 3 kids were now divorced, and the third is a 45 year old serial cheater who has never settled down.

As a parent myself, I am starting to understand that our children's actions are easy to partially blame ourselves for - as in "we taught him better than that", etc. Sometimes it's difficult to not deflect this feeling ON our kids.

I don't get the impression your mother was implying that it's your fault that your husband has strayed, more that it was the easiest response at the time to that kind of news. It's not okay, obviously, and she definitely shouldn't have said it, but at the same time, it's a semi-valid (though extremely over-simplified) thought to have. Basically, she spoke without thinking, and reacted with the first thing that popped in her head. She very likely regrets having said that (I hope).


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I get it, a person wants to understand and when I initially cam to TAM 2 years ago, we were heading for this. Now I realize that likely it was already too late. 

I think back to that time and I realize that he had already check out, I did all I could to recover what we had and in the mean time he just deceived me, he hurt me more by allowing me to take responsibility for my lack of desire/libido. When likely is was a result of his infidelity.

My mother's reaction was insensitive, I have beat myself up enough for the last two years, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.

My train of thought was all wrong, I was a good wife to him, I was honest ad wiling to do whatever it took to make him happy and still it was not enough. More frequency/variety or anything else would not have made a difference. He did this because he wanted to, so simple.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I literally can't stop crying.
I feel like my husband died.
I was doing so good, I wanted to keep my composure around my kids, and today I just broke down and now I can't stop.
My husband came over last night because he wanted to have a "honest talk" he came clean on everything.
He started having an affair with a friend of the family 6 years ago, my third child was just born. The affair lasted 10 months........ What paralyzed me is that they would have sex when myself and her husband were there. May long weekend at the cabin with both of our families, kids too. They had sex, then my husband invited her and her husband on a family holiday we were going on, and again they had sex? I feel like I am shattered....I know I should be stronger but I can't stop crying.... Please if anyone can give me some advice, is this normal?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's normal -- unfortunately. 

The world as you knew it wasn't real. That's difficult (understatement) to accept. 

I'm sorry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> I literally can't stop crying.
> I feel like my husband died.
> I was doing so good, I wanted to keep my composure around my kids, and today I just broke down and now I can't stop.
> My husband came over last night because he wanted to have a "honest talk" he came clean on everything.
> He started having an affair with a friend of the family 6 years ago, my third child was just born. The affair lasted 10 months........ What paralyzed me is that they would have sex when myself and her husband were there. May long weekend at the cabin with both of our families, kids too. They had sex, then my husband invited her and her husband on a family holiday we were going on, and again they had sex? I feel like I am shattered....I know I should be stronger but I can't stop crying.... Please if anyone can give me some advice, is this normal?


So sorry, but your WH is a POS tbh, the fact that he did this when you had just given birth to his child. What kind of woman was she, does her H know too? Please let them all know what has happened and go scorched earth on them. File for divorce, you will get through this, you have your kids and no you don't have to be stronger, you have to grieve and go through this pain but you will come out the other side 
(my WH has a ONS when my son was barely a month old!, I feel your pain) we are still together, just about. 
What you do is up to you but imo you get rid of him, you can come through this and end up meeting someone who will love you and cherish you, he is not worth your time, get a lawyer.

you need to now have a plan of action
how much of the advice on this thread have you actually carried out?
What about your meeting with the lawyer?
Has your WH moved out?
From now on, for your own sake, no contact with him, there is nothing to discuss except child support, alimony, etc, only communicated through your lawyer
you need to put distance between you as quickly as possible
have you got a counsellor for yourself?
do you have one or two close friends to lean on at this time?
are you in a church, etc?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I literally can't stop crying.
> I feel like my husband died.
> I was doing so good, I wanted to keep my composure around my kids, and today I just broke down and now I can't stop.
> My husband came over last night because he wanted to have a "honest talk" he came clean on everything.
> ...


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

The woman was cheating on her husband with other men as well, she confessed to him a couple of months after we went on holidays. She didn't tell her husband about my husband. My husband didn't even have enough respect for me to use a condom?

I have already started the legal process. I have scheduled counselling but our appointments aren't until after the long weekend.

I called a friend and we are heading out today to spend the weekend, I feel bad because I still can't stop crying and I don't want to ruin everyone's weekend. My kids are so worried, they have never seen me cry, but I don't want to send them off, I know I'm being a little selfish. I don't what to do with myself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not selfish, you're processing a huge betrayal and the fact that he hb you thought you had never existed.

Everything in his world will always be about him and his d!ck, nothing more. 

What a sad, pathetic, pos way for him to live. 

You will be much better off without him. 

But you will grieve, so don't fight it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I feel like this wasn't even about sex, I don't understand why he had to introduce me to the husband and why they wanted us to spend time together as families? 

None of it makes sense, wouldn't a person want there girlfriend far away from their family? Wouldn't it be hard to face us?
There was nothing suspicious abou them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When my husband came clean with me about hiring a hooker, I couldn't stop crying either. We were away for the weekend and had to fly home. I was a total mess at the airport, on the plane, in the car on the way home, I cried pretty much the entire time for two days straight.

Give yourself some time. Do the people you're going away with know what happened?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Not necessarily. He didn't have nearly as much sneaking around that way since the families were together. 

He probably didn't have to worry about her telling you, so it was a good deal for him. 

And he might have liked the thrill. 

To me the absolute sh!ttiest part of this is that he had no problem exposing you to any and all std's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> To me the absolute sh!ttiest part of this is that he had no problem exposing you to any and all std's.


OMG I SO agree with this. Once you're done crying, this should REALLY piss you off.

As to why?? There are probably several reasons, and none. One of the things BS's struggle the most with are the reasons. All you can do is try to settle on one that makes sense to you. As long as it doesn't allow for you to blame yourself in ANY way, shape or form.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

albertamom3 said:


> The woman was cheating on her husband with other men as well, she confessed to him a couple of months after we went on holidays. She didn't tell her husband about my husband. My husband didn't even have enough respect for me to use a condom?
> 
> I have already started the legal process. I have scheduled counselling but our appointments aren't until after the long weekend.
> 
> I called a friend and we are heading out today to spend the weekend, I feel bad because I still can't stop crying and I don't want to ruin everyone's weekend. My kids are so worried, they have never seen me cry, but I don't want to send them off, I know I'm being a little selfish. I don't what to do with myself.


Pls stop putting yourself last, you do not always have to be strong. You have to cry, you are going through a very traumatic time, it is ok to grieve. You will become stronger and be there for your kids, but to pretend and not let it out will make things worse later. You can get through this, lean on your friends and family.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

aine said:


> Pls stop putting yourself last, you do not always have to be strong. You have to cry, you are going through a very traumatic time, it is ok to grieve. You will become stronger and be there for your kids, but to pretend and not let it out will make things worse later. You can get through this, lean on your friends and family.


THIS!!!!

PLEASE talk about this with friends and family. Let them take care of the kids for a few days. You have GOT to get this out of your system. You NEED to cry it out. LET yourself.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

albertamom3 said:


> HJ, BJ or whatever..... It doesn't matter....He's not happy, I tried to make him happy and it's not enough. There is no reason to try anymore, I just don't understand why he can't just be honest with me.
> 
> ...I'm doing ok, I am over the initial shock of all this. I am getting a divorce.....
> 
> ...


I have read the entire thing posted. 

You have come quite a way from wondering about a massage parlor to sexual affair with a "family friend." 

A couple of thoughts. 

First get some family counseling, for you and your two children. Trust me in a divorce, they will have things they would like to get off their chest.

Think about writing a book or screen-play. I would help you get it off your chest and it could be a source of income.

Third, learn from this experience so the next man you fall for will not be a repeat. Figure out what you could have done differently. Figure out warning signs you ignored. Figure out things you should have done differently.

Finally, work on "getting a life." Usually that involves exercise and taking up new hobbies or getting new skills that bring you happiness. My suggestion would be to take up an exercise activity that both your children can do, walking, bicycle riding (even with the smallest in a baby seat behind you), go swimming with them, find something that will get you moving and happy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't listen to any more details. I think you know enough. My take on his sudden honesty is that he is confessing to offload his guilt and not to inform you for your benefit. Don't be his confessor, let him live with it. 

It might be best to have no contact with him outside of communicating by text about the children. Contact with him and listening to his confessions and excuses may wound you again and again and impede the start of healing.

I don't think there will be an answer to why or how. Any reason he comes up with is probably a fabrication. A serial cheater has a particular pathology and I don't think they know why they do what they do. 

A person with no empathy cannot understand the hurt they cause because they never felt it. He may have a psychopathy that explains the why but he can't tell you he is sick. You may eventually discover what he is but not now.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Catherine602
> Don't listen to any more details. I think you know enough.
> It might be best to have no contact with him outside of communicating by text about the children. Contact with him and listening to his confessions and excuses may wound you again and again and impede the start of healing.


Yes, do not listen to any more details or have any contact with him because you have made your decision to D. The details and contact will only hurt you more and not help you right now.






> I don't think there will be an answer to why or how. Any reason he comes up with is probably a fabrication.


Albertamom, want to know the why and how because you are trying to include logic and make sense of the betrayal. The bottom line is that he chose to betray because of his selfishness, his weakness, and his low integrity. There is no excuse for what he has done; his betrayal is all his fault. No matter what he tells you about why and how you will not believe him because he has severely damaged the trust that you had in him. He has committed the great marriage killer by betraying his whole family. Your total focus should be on you and your children. FORCE yourself to put all thoughts about him out of your mind. You will fail from time to time but keep forcing yourself until it gets a lot easier.

Is there anything that you always wanted to do but did not because you were fulfilling your obligation to your husband? Now you are totally free to pursue anything that you are able to do without concern for your husband. That activity will help you get better with your great pain.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, if he's feeling so 'guilty' (it's real hard to believe he even knows what guilt *IS* since he's been cheating for years and years and years) I'd take full advantage of it to get myself a nice, tidy settlement.

Might as well get something for wasting your time with this POS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How was your long weekend?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> I just found out that my husband has been using a massage parlour, he is telling me it is just for a regular massage and that he goes to these places because they can fit him in anytime? I feel so sick right now, I have no one to talk to about this, I am really embarrassed and I don't want to slander him to anyone. Is it possible he is going to these places for a legit massage?


If it's truly for just a massage then you schedule his appointments for him and always with dudes. Tell him that men have stronger hands and he'll get a better massage. If he's against it then it's not just a massage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

"....Think about writing a book or screen-play. I(t) would help you get it off your chest and it could be a source of income......"

Maybe I will be a little more blunt.

This is an incredible story of infidelity, with emphasis on "incredible." 

Does this raise any red flags to other readers? Massage parlor, then Happy Endings, then affair, then prostitutes, then mother who blames her. It all unraveled so quickly before our eyes.

I think the OP deserves our help, but I have to say that this could be real or a work of fiction. I am not so sure about the story.

Please accept my apology if I am wrong in questioning this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> "....Think about writing a book or screen-play. I would help you get it off your chest and it could be a source of income......"
> 
> Maybe I will be a little more blunt.
> 
> ...


You're wrong Report it if you think it's suspicious.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Ha! I wish it was fiction.

Maybe if I pinch myself I will wake up.

This is my life, I'm offended that you would even say this, but then you are entitled to your opinion.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> How was your long weekend?



My weekend away was exactly what I needed.
I felt better the second I started packing.

I spoke with a therapist yesterday.
I have been somewhat preoccupied, obsessive about the "Why's" of all this. None of it makes and sense to me.
The therapist said that I will never make sense of it and that I had to let that go, so basically what you guys said.

My friends think I'm handling this too well, I should be screaming and yelling and fighting him, but I'm not. I say I'm trying to be good for the kids sake, but really its just not in me to hate him.

We are getting divorced, I know I could never be with him, he's like a stranger now, he is not someone I would ever choose to be with but I don't hate him.

Now I find I am feeling best when I am planning ahead, I am excited about school starting so that the kids and I can get back to routine.

All of my kids are in school full time this year, the plan was for me to go back to school as I lost my certification by being off to take care of the kids. So, I am going to stick to that plan. 

I am trying to stop myself from thinking to much about the actual deception and betrayal of all this, I feel like I can so easily get caught back into it. I still cant sleep so I feel like I have too much time on my hands. Otherwise, I think I'm doing OK.
The therapist said I'm on my way? She also said it would be a long road, which scares me but what can I do.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

Forgot to mention that he trapped me in a couples therapy session??

He told me he set up a appointment to see a therapist for the kids and that she wanted to see us both first. 

I shut that down so fast, I don't think I will ever forgot the therapists expression.

I will never do couples therapy with him!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha ha ha, how exactly is couples therapy going to address the fact that he's a serial cheat and liar?


It won't.....it's his attempt to bullsh!t you and delay the divorce to see if you crack.

Couples therapy could address issues between the two of you, not the fact that he's a disgusting cheat.

That's his issue, not yours. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am SO glad you got away and had a good time. I hear you about looking forward to things. After I kicked my husband out, I switched up my bedroom - it was fun planning what I was going to do, shopping for it etc. It was also a good way to purge him.


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