# Giving into the change...



## lucid (Jul 17, 2012)

So my story... I met my wife online, like virtually every other start to my past relationships. Match.com to be exact in the early years of the last decade... She was nearly my exact age, only younger by a few days as a matter of fact. In a era when nothing seemed to be working for me, I somehow took this ironic fact as a sign that she might be right for me. There were others of course, she seemed simplistic from what I've been used to in the past, but more importantly I felt safe with her and knew from the first time I talked to her that something special resided. So I took that leap by her guidance and marriage followed a year later... A baby the year later. Everything seemed so real to me then, as though I finally found establishment. So with me being the responsible father, I worried about my career to ensure a long term sustainability. My wife, a stay at home mom, something she wanted, and which made sense at the time. Our lives somehow shifted, but to me it was normal, we were a family and we both had our roles. Years fast forward as I became more and more consumed in my career, and coupled with my son starting school, my wife became more and more slightly depressed without making it apparent to me. She had a close friend who became that outlet to express, and slowly throughout time I was being labeled as lacking from every frustration that was generated. In my view, my wife understood my sacrifice and knew my efforts where for the family. However, a different scene was painted for whatever reason. A screwed up assumption that my absence was due to not wanting to spend time with my wife and son. The most insane thing I could ever believe at the time, and so it never crossed my mind until it was too late. Our communication was there, but I was told later on that she only told me what I wanted to hear, and that she never thought I was capable of finding time away from my career... I didn't realize back then what the signs where, and how to find time to form a balance. It was all very stressful, and I just assumed my wife had my back. She knew I'd do anything for her, but felt it was only a way to buy off her attention. At least that's what she told me when she left. After I caught her having an affair with my best friend. I was told it was my fault, how I was stupid for allowing her and my friend to have all this time alone while I worked. Everything was my fault. She didn't want to hurt me she said later... I've never experienced such violent pain in all my life. I tried to serious attempts to end my life, but couldn't follow through because of my son. I've gone through days without eating or sleeping countless times, all because everything I could of ever hoped for came to such a unthinkable stop. I tried so hard to get her to listen, and to plead for her to try this again, forgiving her for what she's done, it wasn't worth going this far to just bail out and go back to the world without having nothing to show for what's been established. Nothing was ever said back. She was completely turned off, with just a recurring robotic like answer every single time I begged for a reply, "I don't know what you want me to say."
Months and months of agony why still trying to maintain my same work responsibilities and part time military reserve commitment - all harder and harder to find the effort within me to continue. Trying my best to spend time with my child when I could, but allowing myself to break down when I see the confusion in my kid's face with wondering why everything is so different - and never having a way to really explain it. 
Our divorce final after a year, and feeling more like a statistic than anything else. My son would have to relate with probably most of the others in his school that his parents are no longer living together. A loss that I wish my ex-wife would fully realize, instead of seeing that it's normal. I took it harder after our divorce, and I called her excessively to try and work something out to bridge a gap between us so we could do the right thing for our son. Getting nowhere, I pressed harder, drank more and tried to punch through something. Ended up getting arrested later for "phone harassment", and sitting in a holding cell with hardcore criminals, I kind of realized I hit rock bottom, and never felt more defeated in all my life. 
I cleaned up, and had my case dismissed (always get a lawyer), and finally wiped out my arrest record ($500 fee), just so none of that would haunt me down the road. Then trying a new strategy to work with her, and things finally seemed to work out where I had every other weekend with my kid. Until my ex-wife met her boyfriend. Who she told me she would never get involved with anyone, and if she did would never allow her relationship complicate the situation... That all diminished when her new boyfriend demanded that her crazy ex husband (me) would no longer be given any consideration.
Today... I haven't heard from my son in over a month, and my ex wife doesn't respond to my calls, or text messages on asking how my son is doing. I figure at this point all I can do is hire a lawyer and try and get a custody scheduled worked out. This was never part of our divorce, because she always left it opened to me, but I should of knew this was all a setup from the beginning. I don't know what's wrong with me exactly to deserve all of this. She said she didn't love me anymore because I changed. I don't know how I changed, and I don't know how I failed so miserably... I'm still suicidal, and I guess it's normal given the circumstances... I still hold on to hope though. Hoping in some ways this is all a nightmare, and that this world isn't as cruel as it seems. I've reached out for help, and they all say it's her, not me. Telling me what I want to here perhaps, I don't know what is real anymore, and I wondering if love is altogether. I don't think there's anything harder to experience in life than the hearing the words, "I don't love you anymore!" 
I don't know if my situation has anything to learn from, if something I did differently could made a difference. I know I felt like I gave it my best. It just wasn't enough to keep her happy.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Please seek help for you suicidal thoughts. Also, please get a lawyer and find a way to see your son. I'm wondering why you allowed this to go on for a month without seeing him. That doesn't make sense to me.


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## lucid (Jul 17, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Please seek help for you suicidal thoughts. Also, please get a lawyer and find a way to see your son. I'm wondering why you allowed this to go on for a month without seeing him. That doesn't make sense to me.


They're only thoughts... I've been in the process with the lawyer, but it takes time like anything else. I've made several attempts to reach out, but got nowhere due to her boyfriend, and with the pressures of my career and a $1300 a month child support payment to ensure happens; just trying to survive the chaos slips time away faster than anything else. I wish it was basic and straight forward, but nothing is these days. Especially with the loss of not knowing how I got here in the first place. Thanks for the reply.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Lucid,
Right there with you brother.
On my own now, after sixteen years of co-habitation and ten years of marriage. It all went away like I was waking up from a dream.
But I'm good now man. You will be too. Child support is temporary. Forget about the how's and why's of where you are now, because its like trying to make sense of a tornado that swept everything away.
The efforts exhausted on never finding an answer is asking for frustration and depression. 
Today, is what you have, now. Today, is YOUR day, and the start of an entire new adventure. That second chance that so few get.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are taking your steps to disconnect. She was WAY ahead of you!!! 

You will eventually have visitation with your son. I would no longer bother contacting her. 

I would suggest writing in a journal. This may help get some of your feelings out....


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