# Are People Meant to be together long term??



## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

I was reading a book the other day where when you get married, it was only in "terms" and you could decide whether or not after the 20 year term if you wanted to stay married or just move on. Of course there was a lot more to it than that, but the concept really piqued my curiousity. Looking at my own situation (married 24 years, but definitely on a downward spiral), and the situation of so many others, is it really human nature to stay with someone long term?? People change so much, even as they get older and the events at one point are seldom the same once the years roll on past. I am sincerly curious as to what folks out there think on this subject.:scratchhead:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Here is my thought on this: *YES!!* Look a your parents, or other people's parents, that have been married since the 1st day of time, when the Earth was dirt. They love each other unconditionally and wouldn't have it any other way, nor have anyone else...........EVER!

I lost my Grandfather WAY before I born (my Dad was in his teens) and my Grandmother never dated/married again after he passed away. She remained single the remainder of her life and she lived into her 80s. He was "it" for her.

My hubs parents have been together almost 50 years. They wouldn't have it any other way.

I think people today just don't have the commitment level that our fore-fathers and mothers had/have.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Oregondaddy said *eople change so much, even as they get older and the events at one point are seldom the same once the years roll on past


 Maybe me & my husband are just plain strange but I swear.... since our teens we have not changed much at all.... the same goals , dreams & desires we shared & talked about THEN -we have only seen come to fruition and just as we believed, it has fullfilled us, satisfied us completely. A contentment there, we are so very thankful for. 

I'd say the only things that changed about us was 2......and they both had to do with me ....and both were more of a blessing.... I came into a strong sexual awakening -that I'll never be quite the same (even though I was never LD to begin with)...and I relaxed on the religion to the point of being a "FREE Thinker"....but I consider myself still pretty morally minded for the most part, but I'll never be as stringent & strict as some believers. 

I'd have to say though....we were both very mature for our ages in our youth, very responsible minded...probalby boring to other teens, but we still felt we had fun... we talked and shared deeply about life , our goals & dreams early on. 

I guess some of us don't waver too much. We'll have been married 23 yrs this month... together for over 30 total.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I think yes and no.

I'm not really sure.

You make a good point that yes, people change as they mature. Who you were in your 20's is not who you are in your 40's and 50's. 

Circumstances/life changes people. And those changes might not be acceptable to your spouse who accepted you when you were younger but now can't stand the changes in you.

But, doesn't everyone change? Does that mean you just get rid of them. Didn't your parents change as you aged, don't your children change as they grow up, move away, etc? If you don't know the answer to that one, I suggest you invite one to come back home for a "week" - then you'll see how much they've changed--you'll be begging them to leave again. 

So, while people change, does that mean you love them any less or want them any less? Maybe, maybe not, guess it depends on the type and degree of change. 

I've actually have had to deal with this very subject. Due to a TBI/stroke, my husband has really changed. He is NOT the man I married nor the man he even was in 2007 before this happened. My laid-back, quiet husband is now loud and aggressive. My Beta husband now wants to be Alpha and I'm already an Alpha woman--you can imagine how that is going over. My neat, fastidious husband is now a pack rat and doesn't keep up with his truck and possessions. My mind like a steel trap husband now can't remember if he ate or what day/time it is sometimes.

So while it's not his fault he so drastically changed--that doesn't help me in trying to learn to live with someone who LOOKS like my husband, but in almost no way resembles "who" he was and who I married.

But, I love him and will stick by him.

So, maybe yes, maybe no - I think each situation is unique.

But as far as monogamy--not too sure we, as humans, are geared towards having sex with just one person for life. While I'm sure that applies to a lot of men, I think it can apply to women too. I know I like variety also, why not?

Good question...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Oregondaddy said:


> is it really human nature to stay with someone long term??


Doesn't matter. We can ask whether or not it is human nature not to steal or to use toilets, but we find ourselves able to do these things human nature or not.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

The simple answer is some people are and some people aren't. 

If you are talking strictly biology, then probably not. There are species that mate for life. I don't think humans are one of those. We have brains that work on a higher level, problem is it allows us to make bad decisions, or sometimes we fail to use it (our brain) at all.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I suppose the answer is not to get married if you don't believe in being with someone a lifetime.
The idea of a 20 year contract is crazy.
Though saying that, it's my 20th anniversary next year!!! Hmmm!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Married 21 years and in my case our marriage just gets better. We just got to the good part so why on earth would I ever want to start over? I can practically read my husband's mind and he mine. Seems like a lot of work to do this again and exhausting. LOL One husband that I adore is plenty for me.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think the infidelity and divorce statistics highly suggest that we are mostly *NOT*. Marriage is a very young concept if you think of it in evolutionary terms. It's also important to remember that we are living much longer so there's more time to fall out of love and find someone new. If you look at wealthy and powerful people over the course of history you will see a ton of infidelity. Why? Because they had the time and money to do what they wanted and they wanted someone new.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I think if you intend to grow together and work with that goal in mind, you'll do a much better job of it instead of just doing your own thing. It takes two, but I think if you have two committed people who have an INTENTIONAL relationship not just a we'll see where this goes, who learn and work on things as a couple, who try new things as a couple, who expand their lives as a couple, then they'll last as a couple.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

When you use the word "meant," I assume that you mean that staying together comes easily to people. I have found that nothing worth having in life comes easily, whether it is a fulfilling career, being a good parent, being a moral person, or being at peace with yourself and content with your life. Anything worth having takes effort, including maintaining a relationship.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I think yes and no.
> 
> I'm not really sure.
> 
> ...


I agree with that part and your story is a very hard one!! Prayers go out to you must be so so hard.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes...humans are one of a handful of 'animals' that can 'pair bond' for life. Of course temptation is there but being with one person for life is totally doable for humans IMO.

The fact that we 'share' our partners so badly and get so deeply hurt by our spouses infidelity backs this up I believe.

We live an awful lot longer than man did originally... it's hard work keeping a marriage fresh and exciting after 20+ years together...but it's certainly not unattainable.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Some people yes some no.

The concept of having "terms" for marriage is not new and TBH I can see some merit in it. 

I think many couples that stick it out do so to their own and their kids detriment. We have one life but so many live it unhappily for fear of divorce, financial ruin, reputation, hurting the kids, disappointing their family etc. 

Sure if a couple are living an emotionally healthy life and are happy then stay together forever, if they are dysfunctional then don't stay together for fear or because that is what society expects.

I was married for 16 plus years and should have ended it sooner but for fear of the above. I am very happily divorced and am happy, I have now met a man that is a much better fit for me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Were humans meant to work a 40 hour week for a salary that could barely meet their needs?
Based on statistics,most people are unhappy with their salary.
Anybody out there have another solution?

Were people meant to be together for long term?
Based on statistics , infidelity and divorce are high.
Anybody out there have another solution?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I think some people are and some people are not. It just depends. There is that old saying; friend for a reason, friend for a season, friend for life. Different people are in our lives for different things.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Not every marriage is meant to last a lifetime, but it's best to be clear about your intentions if you make a contract with someone and...if one person thinks the commitment is lifelong while the other doesn't, there's no meeting of the minds and one person has been swindled. That's just my opinion, though.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't know the statistics, but I'd bet there are some species that are better at mating for life than humans are...

My husband has about an 8 year max and he's done....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it's convenient to blame the issues that people have in their relationships on supposed human nature. I believe that _any_ marriage can survive if the couple truly wants it to. When one or both spouses gives up, of course the marriage is going to have difficulties. Even when both spouses want the marriage to succeed, there can be issues. Issues between people doesn't mean that friendships, family relationships or marriages or any kind of relationship isn't in our nature. If people can be friends for life, they can also be spouses for life, and I believe it _is_ in our nature.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Created2Write said:


> I think it's convenient to blame the issues that people have in their relationships on supposed human nature. I believe that _any_ marriage can survive if the couple truly wants it to. When one or both spouses gives up, of course the marriage is going to have difficulties. Even when both spouses want the marriage to succeed, there can be issues. Issues between people doesn't mean that friendships, family relationships or marriages or any kind of relationship isn't in our nature. If people can be friends for life, they can also be spouses for life, and I believe it _is_ in our nature.


Maybe it is in OUR nature. 

But all humans are not created equal. What works for you doesn't work for others and vice versa.

I think what tears most marriages apart is that people go into them thinking things won't change. That they will always have that giddy, I love you so much, sex 12 times a day type love/marriage and that is just not reality.

Unfortunately LIFE gets in the way. People get sick, injured, children born with birth defects, early death, financial issues, etc., and a lot of people are ill equipped to deal when disaster and disappointment strike--which they inevitably will, for the most part, because that's LIFE.

And when they should come together to weather that particular storm, it's what tears them apart.

The situation with my husband could have torn us apart, but I wouldn't let it. 

So I agree with you on the determination part--that can play a role when partners in a marriage don't give up, no matter what. I overheard my husband say to his brother a couple of years ago--I wouldn't have a marriage if it wasn't for her (indicating me), she's just too damn stubborn to give up.

And you know what...he's right!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> That they will always have that giddy, I love you so much, sex 12 times a day type love/marriage and that is just not reality.


This was funny. I know there was a lot more meaning to the post, but this made me laugh. 12 times in a day. I can hardly imagine what 12 times in a week would be like (never done that). lol


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MarriedWifeinlove said*: I've actually have had to deal with this very subject. Due to a TBI/stroke, my husband has really changed. He is NOT the man I married nor the man he even was in 2007 before this happened. My laid-back, quiet husband is now loud and aggressive. My Beta husband now wants to be Alpha and I'm already an Alpha woman--you can imagine how that is going over. My neat, fastidious husband is now a pack rat and doesn't keep up with his truck and possessions. My mind like a steel trap husband now can't remember if he ate or what day/time it is sometimes.
> 
> So while it's not his fault he so drastically changed--that doesn't help me in trying to learn to live with someone who LOOKS like my husband, but in almost no way resembles "who" he was and who I married.
> 
> But, I love him and will stick by him.





> Unfortunately LIFE gets in the way. People get sick, injured, children born with birth defects, early death, financial issues, etc., and a lot of people are ill equipped to deal when disaster and disappointment strike--which they inevitably will, for the most part, because that's LIFE.
> 
> And when they should come together to weather that particular storm, it's what tears them apart.
> 
> ...




MarriedWifeInlove.... Your marital story makes me think of this 80's song I have always loved , as truly your sacrifice & down right stubborn love for your husband is an example to us all here.....makes me think of the lyrics of a special song I want to share..... 

This never got popular in the US, I caught it late one night on an English awards program & was blown away -it was so beautiful. Spandau Ballets biggest hit was "TRUE" - but I feel this was way beyond more beautiful ....








Spandau Ballet - Through The Barricades - YouTube







....................Lyrics HERE

.


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Yes...humans are one of a handful of 'animals' that can 'pair bond' for life. Of course temptation is there but being with one person for life is totally doable for humans IMO.


Sure, humans are able to pair bond for life, as are many animals that become attached when in captivity... look at the zoo, or even domestic animals (of different speciaes, even) that become attached and show emotional loss when one is taken away.

But compare humans to other animals that pair bond for life... they do this with their FIRST and ONLY mate.

Humans are serial monogamists. Men seek novelty, women seek protection, resources, and status. Anyone who suggests differently would be foolish.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dixieangel said:


> My husband has about an 8 year max and he's done....


My sister is at about 5-7 but she's also bipolar.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

My husband is a NPDer....I'm in the discarding phase...I have gotta go very soon.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think, in general, we are hardwired for monogomy - it is all about what we value. And I think society has one of the biggest influences on our values systems. Nowadays, I honestly don't think as much value is placed on marriage, the long lasting permanent kind - we can still appreciate others who do it, it makes a nice feelgod soundbite to read about some couple 65th anniversary, but it seems the only way that happens in most cases is for people to marry by the time they are 20. High divorce rates and our acceptance of divorce really do affect the value society places on marriage, and now it is treated as a monumental arrangement that only those who have matured and found enlightenment can make work. We've set the bar high on lasting marriage and many people can't honestly see themselves making a marriage last forever. What we can do however is delude ourselves into thinking it can be forever after if we jump blindly into it, if we have some sort of magical fairies guiding us along the way. Society seems to value the mystical unknown more than the attitude necessary to make a marriage last forever.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Human 'nature' is a tricky subject but at the basic level of the definition ('nature' meaning 'genotype') then it certainly doesn't appear as though we're meant to be monogamous. The human male penis is structured and sized in such a way as to suggest that sperm competition has been a force in shaping our evolution. Sperm competition arises when there's more than one guy's sperm in any female at any given time. Doesn't sound very monogamous to me. Concealed female ovulation (our private parts don't balloon up and go bright red for a week at a time) also suggests that any given male has no idea whether his sperm has succeeded, and so must either invest in a longer-term strategy to keep other males away, or simply assume the resulting baby might be his.

But in terms of nurture, human culture has shaped us a great deal too, and while polygyny is the statistical 'norm' across the world (not monogamy), it does seem like these multi-female one-male relationships do last long term too. So I think that humans do well in adapting to their cultural environment, and if that means monogamy works better, we can do that, if polygyny works better for them they do that too, and if divorce/serial monogamy/remaining single works equally as well for society as marriage, then we'll see it equally represented in the statistics.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

gbrad said:


> This was funny. I know there was a lot more meaning to the post, but this made me laugh. 12 times in a day. I can hardly imagine what 12 times in a week would be like (never done that). lol


I know you know what I meant.

My hubby and I used to do it about 10 times a weekend when he visited before we married and were stationed together.

But yeah - 12 times would wear anyone out--though a woman could go 12 times with some help!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Maybe it is in OUR nature.
> 
> But all humans are not created equal. What works for you doesn't work for others and vice versa.
> 
> ...


You're right, everyone is different. We are all born with strengths and weaknesses unique to ourselves, but we all must learn how to overcome our weaknesses, whatever they may be, and we must learn to put our strengths into all that we do. I do not believe that long term relationships are in some people's nature but not others. We all have a choice when it comes to our families, our friends, and our marriages; we can choose to fight against our weaknesses, and put our best effort into our relationships, or we can choose not to. Sometimes one spouse can do put their best effort it, but the other simply isn't. _That_ is a choice, not something that they can't control because "it's in their nature". 

Success isn't a matter of what is or isn't in our nature.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I think a lot depends on the initial intentions of both partners going into the marriage, and their absolute determination to ride the storms which will inevitable come over the course of a long relationship.

We definitely do all change - that is just one of the storms.


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the input, the whole 20 year marriage thing was not the main point of the book, but it was one of those little side notes I found very interesting and just got the brain churning. Thanks again for everyones input!!!!


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