# Changing subjects



## Bodhitree

I haven't posted for a while. Long story short, SO had apparent "breakdown" 2 1/2 years ago and essentially became the "go to girl" at her place of work. 2 men involved, one seemed more of like a voyeur experience i.e. didn't seem that interested in him just "fun" sex acts, and within weeks of that got more involved in typical affair with OM- literally within weeks. Here is thread if interested. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/137721-finally.html

So, last November I revealed the truth via text software that restores old deleted text discussions. I was shocked and angry, but at the same time, I pretty much had known they were more than the "friends" she had described. 

How long did this all last? It doesn't appear very long although probably longer than what she says- I'll say 3 months most likely- but I honestly don't know. Again, for sake of clarification, the the actual affair activity took place in September / October 
2011 through maybe January.

When I busted affair in October 2011 she maintained "no PA" with either man. We had had an emotionally distant relationship to say the least, very few "I love you's" from me, not much physical touch in between sex. So when she said she was leaving (during affair) and I told her I loved her it was totally unexpected that I would say that to her. (from her standpoint) because I had rarely if ever expressed it. Now, to add more detail, we were never legally married, raised a daughter who is very successful in her post college career (age 22). SO said she was "done" because she felt I was indifferent to her and felt a lot of pain inside and couldn't take it any more. She identifies this today as a lot of misperceptions on her part, but also part of "where our relationship" was at the time.

The affairs occurred 2 + years after daughter went to college and was "gone", so that may have been a factor as well. And, finally, I had been involved in a masters program, for five years prior in which most of my time was spent studying, in class, or with my daughters athletic activities. The plain fact was, our relationship was emotionally distant.

So, why am I now in the reconciliation forum?

Well, here is what has happened in the last 2 1/2 years:

- After I told her I really did love her, she was a wreck (having already done the deeds). She agreed to go to counseling and we did for about seven months: November 2011 - June 2012. We identified a lot of good things. Still, she did not "act" of herself. She would sleep out on the couch, seemed fidgety a lot, and for the first time sex seemed awkward- she just didn't seem that "into it", and stopped doing oral which she had always done before. 

- She quit the job where both OM were at in February 2012. Hindsight, I would have had her quit immediately, however I was a real "novice" when it came to handling affairs.

- She really tried as best she could. But problem was, carrying the lie (hindsight) was just too much. Deep down, all I wanted was the truth, and when I finally got it in November 2013, yes I was angry, very angry but cannot say it was a real surprise- I still went through (and am going through) the shock of realizing it really happened.

- After learning the truth in November 2013 , where she was "cornered" and really couldn't lie anymore, I asked her to leave. Since we aren't legally married, she really left with nothing- not even a bed. She got an apartment. I told her the reason for moving out was that I needed some time and space to sort through MY stuff- I couldn't live in that environment anymore. It was too emotionally charged.

-She asked if I would go back to counseling. And I agreed. 

-I told her I made the decision to put my efforts to a more spiritual life- meditation, prayer, talking about how we feel etc. She has followed my lead in this.

- She has now been out for 3 months. We still like to do things together. We have had some of the most down to earth and "real" talks that we have ever had. She has never expressed herself and been less defensive in our 20+ years together. We have actually prayed , meditated together.

- She says she made huge mistakes in doing what she did (she said that all along, just left out the sex part), that she feels like an absolute piece of crap for what she did, and that the whole thing has made her realize how much she really loves me.

-For my part, I keep working on me. I go through periods of intense anger, ridicule, hurt because of what has happened. But I also know that I was way too distant because of my own fears of being close to her. I'm also working on my own insecurities, my own self acceptance. I'm also working on forgiveness- something I've been horrible about in my life and with her over the years.

Sex is good again. It seems like the fact that the truth came out has relieved her in a way- she doesn't have to carry that burden anymore. 

Still, because of what happened, I am skeptical. I read stories here and on other forums though, and usually a wayward that doesn't want to reconcile won't do what she has done:

-Quit job 
-Go to counseling (twice)
- Yes she lied and that is a huge problem. But I also believe she lied because she felt if she told truth I'd leave her. Not a good reason in my book, but I sort of "get it."
- 2 1/2 years - trying to get back into the family, expressing a lot of remorse, a lot of sorrow. Even when she was lying about the truth to me, still expressed a lot of "I'm sorry for what happened."
- When I kicked her out in November, a lot of our issues have come out. Now it seems we are just starting to get on our feet. We haven't talked about her coming back, and I don't plan on it for a while yet.

In a lot of stories, they wayward finds their OM and says "the hell" with the relationship- continues to "play games", or continues to see OM. While I can't be 100% sure, I doubt very very much this has been happening since early 2012.

Part of me gets frustrated that everything I know I "discovered" for myself. I decided I'm not going to live like that anymore, and not worry about. Anyway, this is long already. Don't know where this will end up, but right now, I"m at least considering working on things. Any thoughts from those that have successfully reconciled- please feel free. Thanks!


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