# dont know what to do



## aquestion (Aug 7, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for over five years. Two years ago I caught her talking to a guy from her past. They never dated, just friends. A few months later our relationship started to get rocky. Then she went to a club with her girlfriends. She came home pretty wasted. She went into the bathroom, while she was there her phone buzzed and I opened it up to find a message from the same man. He wanted her to send better pictures. I scrolled up and found a fully clothed picture of her in the bathroom. I didnt have enough time to browse through it she came out of the bathroom and we had a pretty horrible fight. We eventually made up and moved on. About a year ago I caught her talking to him again. I asked her not to, but she did anyways. I started snooping. I found deleted texts and they have been sending pictures to each other. I didnt see any of the pictures but I found texts specifically stating she has sent nudes. I have all the evidence still. I own her phone, and its also registered on my phone bill in my name, so the legality of this is within my rights. We have been having a family counselor and she is the mother of one of my children. I am really thinking about divorce, but I dont know if I want to give up just yet. I still think she is talking to this other guy. I also feel as though she is withholding sex from me because of it. I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. Any advice?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

aquestion said:


> My wife and I have been married for over five years. Two years ago I caught her talking to a guy from her past. They never dated, just friends. A few months later our relationship started to get rocky. Then she went to a club with her girlfriends. She came home pretty wasted. She went into the bathroom, while she was there her phone buzzed and I opened it up to find a message from the same man. He wanted her to send better pictures. I scrolled up and found a fully clothed picture of her in the bathroom. I didnt have enough time to browse through it she came out of the bathroom and we had a pretty horrible fight. We eventually made up and moved on. About a year ago I caught her talking to him again. I asked her not to, but she did anyways. I started snooping. I found deleted texts and they have been sending pictures to each other. I didnt see any of the pictures but I found texts specifically stating she has sent nudes. I have all the evidence still. I own her phone, and its also registered on my phone bill in my name, so the legality of this is within my rights. We have been having a family counselor and she is the mother of one of my children. I am really thinking about divorce, but I dont know if I want to give up just yet. I still think she is talking to this other guy. I also feel as though she is withholding sex from me because of it. I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. Any advice?


Yes. She obviously has no respect for you, and is going to keep doing this unless and until you go nuclear, i.e., file for divorce. *Maybe* that will snap her out of it, but I can't imagine anything else that will.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

First,

Is this POS M or in a relationship?

If he is, expose the A to his BW/gf.

Give him something else to worry about in his life than trying to carry on the A with your WW.

Second,

Are you sure this has only been texts and pics?...Any chance they have met and its a PA?

The fact that she KEEPS going back despite being caught, withholds sex from you, etc screams out that there is a lot more to this A than what you know about.

You need to put an end to her bullsh*t ASAP.

Expose her A to both your families and all friends....do not take any blameshifting from her on the A....She chose this, it is 100% on her.

Then file for D....you can always cancel this if she gets her head out of her a** and starts taking the steps necessary to fix herself (she needs IC to figure out how and why she could betray her H and destroy her family like this)and save the M.

She has to see that she is about to lose her M and life as she knows it...only that might wake her up.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

As long as you sit and take it, the more she's going to pile it on. There comes a time when you have to take the white hat off and don the black one and let her know that if she wants to keep contacting this guy then do it from her own place but not in your home.

If you know for sure she sent nude pictures of herself to this guy then as far as I'm concerned she crossed over and if it was me, I would send her a selfie of you holding the divorce papers in your hand and let her know that she's in for a life changing experience.

It's up to you. You can sit and take it and watch it get real ugly or you can put her ass in the hot seat and let her figure out how her life will be altered. She created this mess, you did nothing. She did it again and your still doing nothing and in her eyes that means she has a clear road ahead unless you and only you throw up the road block.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

aquestion said:


> My wife and I have been married for over five years. Two years ago I caught her talking to a guy from her past. They never dated, just friends. A few months later our relationship started to get rocky. Then she went to a club with her girlfriends. She came home pretty wasted. She went into the bathroom, while she was there her phone buzzed and I opened it up to find a message from the same man. He wanted her to send better pictures. I scrolled up and found a fully clothed picture of her in the bathroom. I didnt have enough time to browse through it she came out of the bathroom and we had a pretty horrible fight. We eventually made up and moved on. About a year ago I caught her talking to him again. I asked her not to, but she did anyways. I started snooping. I found deleted texts and they have been sending pictures to each other. I didnt see any of the pictures but I found texts specifically stating she has sent nudes. I have all the evidence still. I own her phone, and its also registered on my phone bill in my name, so the legality of this is within my rights. We have been having a family counselor and she is the mother of one of my children. I am really thinking about divorce, but I dont know if I want to give up just yet. I still think she is talking to this other guy. I also feel as though she is withholding sex from me because of it. I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. *Any advice?*


Yep.

Divorce.

You put out a boundary and she flagrantly disregarded it. Repeatedly.

Divorce.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She might not have dated him before you married, but she clearly is dating him now.

Why are you allowing your W to date another man?

She is sending nude pictures of herself. Why have you not talked to an attorney?

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. I don't know if this is worth saving, because she is so openly contemptuous, but if you want to save it, you need to be decisive.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

aquestion

Do you know why she is withholding sex from you? So she doesn't cheat on OM. Is this what you want, reconciliation? If you do I have no problem with that, it's your life to live. Your WW has shown you she doesn't respect you. She has shown she isn't in love with you. But, she loves what you provide for her. Ask yourself this, can OM give her what you do now? 

Your WW has gone against everything you said not to do. Is this guy married? Does he work with her? Are you ready to tell her him or me? Are you ready to divorce? I hope you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aquestion said:


> My wife and I have been married for over five years. Two years ago I caught her talking to a guy from her past. They never dated, just friends. A few months later our relationship started to get rocky. Then she went to a club with her girlfriends. She came home pretty wasted. She went into the bathroom, while she was there her phone buzzed and I opened it up to find a message from the same man. He wanted her to send better pictures. I scrolled up and found a fully clothed picture of her in the bathroom. I didnt have enough time to browse through it she came out of the bathroom and we had a pretty horrible fight. We eventually made up and moved on. About a year ago I caught her talking to him again. I asked her not to, but she did anyways. I started snooping. I found deleted texts and they have been sending pictures to each other. I didnt see any of the pictures but I found texts specifically stating she has sent nudes. I have all the evidence still. I own her phone, and its also registered on my phone bill in my name, so the legality of this is within my rights. We have been having a family counselor and she is the mother of one of my children. I am really thinking about divorce, but I dont know if I want to give up just yet. I still think she is talking to this other guy. I also feel as though she is withholding sex from me because of it. I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. Any advice?


Send him a photograph of yourself with a message: "The position you are applying for has already been filled. I suggest you find a single woman to exchange pictures with."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I dont think you will ever stop him coming into your wife's life. You have tried so far with no success. It is unlikely to change in the future. You have to start realizing this and act accordingly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> aquestion
> 
> *Do you know why she is withholding sex from you? So she doesn't cheat on OM. Is this what you want, reconciliation?* If you do I have no problem with that, it's your life to live. Your WW has shown you she doesn't respect you. She has shown she isn't in love with you. But, she loves what you provide for her. Ask yourself this, can OM give her what you do now?
> 
> ...


This is a PA. No sex for you means she's being loyal to her man. Not sure if this is worth saving. Are any kids involved? Either way you should file D. 
Implement the 180 to help you detach. Work on yourself: gym, clothes, hair, hobbies, develop male friendships.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Make sure not to get her pregnant. You take responsibility for birth control, don't believe her if she says she's on the pill.

She's got some kind of obsession with this guy. Whatever it is, she can't let go of him. How do you know for a fact they never dated or had sex in the past? These days, plenty of people have casual sex with friends without saying they are dating.

If you don't have kids already, my advice is to bail out of this marriage asap. Even very early in your marriage your wife is hooked on another man. BTDT, and the ass clown showed up again 25 years later. He's still trolling for another taste.

If you're not willing to nuke the marriage, your only other sane choice is to nuke her hard. She has to have that moment of staring over the edge of the abyss, knowing she is about to go over the edge. You cannot NICE her back into the marriage. You have to apply nuclear boundaries here, which are absolute. No contact ever again with him. Not once. Block him in every way possible for electronic contact. You get full access forever to all her logins and devices. She writes him a No Contact letter which you read and then mail to him. She never hangs with him in a group, so if he shows up somewhere, she leaves immediately.

This IS an affair she is in, even if there is no sex yet. She has a real emotional connection with him. This will take the full spectrum of actions to break the affair and to then rebuild a new marriage with her. IC so she can understand why she is doing this. Without her understanding herself, she is at very high risk of repeat (the #1 risk for cheating is a prior history of cheating). MC so that you can build a strong marriage (but don't let the therapist put any blame on you for her affair). I would require she takes a polygraph to prove no sex with him and no other affairs while you've been with her. The poly is as much about getting truth as it is about emphasizing to her how deeply she has destroyed your trust and relationship. I would also require a solid post-nup agreement. If you stay with her a few more years, you are then looking at possible alimony. Put child custody terms in the post-nup too, even if you don't have any kids. If you do have children with her, paternity test them. This too is about demonstrating to her the depth of the damage she has done.

Cheaters have to reach total capitulation to the person they betrayed, similar to how an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom. Until she fully capitulates, she remains defiant and closed off to you. Reconciliation is false, risk of repeated affairs are high, until she first fully capitulates. Then the long process of real R begins.

Honestly, if there are no children involved yet, it will be much easier just to call off the marriage. Presumably you are young without major financial or legal complications. She's shown you who she is and what she is capable of doing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One question that I'd be asking myself is; how likely is it that she would be sending nude pictures to him *before* she would have sex with him? I'd say not very, if he lives in your area. You should assume this is a PA if he does.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> One question that I'd be asking myself is; how likely is it that she would be sending nude pictures to him *before* she would have sex with him? I'd say not very, if he lives in your area. You should assume this is a PA if he does.


Sadly that's the norm these days.

Doesn't really matter either way, though...

Like I said, he put out a boundary (and one that he should have _never_ had to enact himself, BTW) and she flagrantly -- and repeatedly -- ignored it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In over a couple of thousand threads iv seen here, cutting off sex means she has fallen in love with the OM. The reason is she considers sex with you as cheating on him. Its even worse when they promise to reconcile your marriage but say they aren't ready for sex with you. That means they have gone underground with the affair and are just hiding it better.

Honestly, how can you stay with a wife that's exposing herself to other males besides you?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Divorce her my friend,you are "only" married for five years.
She has no respect for you,you even told her you are hurt by her actions but she still went out with that guy,sent him nude pictures of her and it is going on for YEARS.

They had sex for sure.

Get a lawyer asap and divorce her,life is to short to be vasted on people like your wife


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

So if a guy chats or texts with a girl and gets nude pictures, most people think nothing of it because that is indicative of most men surfing porn or just being dirty minded. (My uncle gets nude texts from women all the time as they know he is on disability stuck at home, so they send him pity sext messages to play with him). 

Now if a husband catches his wife doing the same, just toss her out like yesterday's garbage. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling us guys a bunch of hypocrites, but I am thinking that wives must actually go through a lot of emotional torture putting up our sexual nonsense.

This is not too suspicious:









But this call for divorce?










Scratching my head,
Badsanta


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife is ok with porn, but she would most certainly D me in an instant if I was engaging in communications with women which included them sending me nude pics of themselves. That would be cheating in her book, and rightly so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe it is like the difference between Agatha Christie researching deadly poisons and someone else who is going through a very, very bad divorce not only researching deadly poisons but actually ordering some?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Three years into the marriage and she is already pulling this crap?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I would have taken her phone.

Inserted a picture of Dirty Harry's pistol in a text

with the following line:

"Mine is definitely bigger than yours. If you do not stop all contact and texting with my wife there will be consequences.

The first one being her on your doorstep, with all her clothes as well as all her debts."


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

aquestion said:


> I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. Any advice?


Yes, 180.

As soon you will stop to be granted, you will be much more valuable.

But for now, you are fully granted for her.

So learn to be happy by yourself, apply the 180.

The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

You can read this book too : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How is it going? How are you doing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are being disrespected in the most harmful way by your wife. Make a plan and take action so that she chooses you 100% and drops him out of her life completly 100% or you take the pain, divorce, and build yourself back up so that you can have a good life. Your wife is not the only woman in the world for you.


You will take strong action for your own good or you will compromise because of the pain; compromise will not build you up but probably put you down further. If you are not strong enough to take the strong actions now then get going NOW and build yourself up so that you can act to save yourself from becoming a door mat. You do NOT depend on your wife to build you up as she is weak and a betrayer.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

aquestion said:


> My wife and I have been married for over five years. Two years ago I caught her talking to a guy from her past. They never dated, just friends. A few months later our relationship started to get rocky. Then she went to a club with her girlfriends. She came home pretty wasted. She went into the bathroom, while she was there her phone buzzed and I opened it up to find a message from the same man. He wanted her to send better pictures. I scrolled up and found a fully clothed picture of her in the bathroom. I didnt have enough time to browse through it she came out of the bathroom and we had a pretty horrible fight. We eventually made up and moved on. About a year ago I caught her talking to him again. I asked her not to, but she did anyways. I started snooping. I found deleted texts and they have been sending pictures to each other. I didnt see any of the pictures but I found texts specifically stating she has sent nudes. I have all the evidence still. I own her phone, and its also registered on my phone bill in my name, so the legality of this is within my rights. We have been having a family counselor and she is the mother of one of my children. I am really thinking about divorce, but I dont know if I want to give up just yet. I still think she is talking to this other guy. I also feel as though she is withholding sex from me because of it. I feel as though she wants to be with me, but also wants this other guy. I dont know what I should do. Any advice?


*It's rather obvious that you are her "Plan B!" And that invariably happens when she begins to feel totally safe with her POSOM! Right now, at an absolute minimum, she feels safe enough to send him pics of herself in naked provocative poses, and I would 't have any doubts that her relationship with him hasn't already broached PA status ~ given that, it's really only a matter of time before she decides to make "the break" from you, as you are her present financial lifeline!

In retrospect, I would have confiscated her phone and entered everything on it into some device allowing myself a copy of it. Then I would have immediately done "the 180" on her sorry a$$, gotten myself tested for the presence of STD's, and gotten myself to a lawyer's office to explore all of my legal rights in losing myself from her!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have definitely come to the right place!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^^ oh for crying out loud. You are going to be busy today


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