# My husband doesn't consider me "family"



## hokie-gal

This weekend my husband and I went to visit both of our families and we were having a discussion on the way home about why so many men have issues with their wives. We haven't been married long- just over a month- and we barely dated a year before tying the knot. To some people it seems to be a rushed time frame, but our relationship isn't just "Ohhh, I love him and he's perfect ohhh!" Even though when we got together we didn't really have intentions off getting into a serious relationship, it became obvious pretty fast that we made a great team. And my husband is wonderful- he is attentive and affectionate, and he doesn't mind helping me around the house. He is appreciative of me and generally makes me feel wanted and cared about. 
But anywho, back to the discussion in the car. He mentioned that his ex girlfriend that he lived with for 5 years didn't like it when he spent time with his family and that no woman would ever come before his family because his dad and brothers were the only people he could always trust. My feelings were hurt and I asked, "Well, I'm your family now, too, aren't I?" Then he said "No", but he said it in that goofy way he uses when he doesn't want to talk about something. Getting serious again, he tried to explain that he never thought of his ex that he'd been with for 5 years as family either and I couldn't help but say, "I'm your wife, not your girlfriend." He tried to save face by saying "Yeah, but that just wasn't the way I was brought up." After that the conversation more or less died... I couldn't think of anything else to say. 
My feelings are pretty hurt- his mom left when he was seven, so I guess he never thought of husband and wife as a family unit, but I grew up in a two parent home and was taught from an early age that a husband and wife were almost the closest type of family you could have, because those people chose to have a life together. We don't have children but want to when I graduate (college) and settle down more permanently and we have pets together. I love his family and they love me; his niece started calling me aunt months before the wedding and his dad and mom seemed super excited to be "adding another daughter" to their family. I am a good wife, too- I cook and clean, which is more than his ex did. I don't currently work because I'm a full time student now, but I did before our wedding in addition to college, which is more than his ex can say, too. 
I can't understand why my husband doesn't think of me as his family and I don't understand why he compares me to his ex, even though I don't seem to be anything like her. She was the longest relationship he had and he tells me that after two years of being with her, they didn't even like each other all that much. Even though he tells me that I'm a great wife and he has it good and he is constantly telling me he loves me, I can't help but be a bit afraid that eventually my "shiny is going to rub off" and he's not going to be very interested in me, either. Already our sex life is impossibly slow- if I wait on him to initiate, we might make love once a week and it may last 15 minutes. I understand there are reasons for this, but him brushing me off and calling me a "horny goat/ sex fiend/ et c." when I ask for sex doesn't exactly make me confident. He reassures me that he finds me attractive and sexy and he is constantly copping a feel, but when he makes nothing of it, it just makes me feel unattractive. 
I would really like to talk to him about these things but I can't figure out how to broach the subject. Any suggestions?
And I'm sorry for writing a book, but I don't have anyone to really confide in right now and it's been hard keeping all of this bottled up; thanks to everyone who reads and responds


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## *LittleDeer*

Do something about the no sex thing now. There is no reason to be in a marriage and be having such little sex. 
Firstly rule out porn. Does he watch porn or masturbate alone a lot, if so he needs to stop and focus on you. he also needs to stop teasing you about wanting sex because it's healthy and normal. If you rule those things out then you need to have his testosterone levels checked and health checked out, they may be very low and he might need some testosterone. (check out the threads on low T on TAM) 
As for the not family thing, you most definitely are and if he puts other people before you and doesn't trust you implicitly I would ask him for marraige counseling. It's not ok for him to think that way and will damage your marriage over time. 
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hokie-gal

He actually mentioned today that he thinks he might have low testosterone, and I'm hoping I can get him to the doc for it soon. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate, and when I ask him about his lack of desire he tells me that he's just not a very sexual person and never really has been. He tries to reassure me and tell me that he thinks I'm sexy, but when he acts like having sex is a chore instead of a treat, it really does hurt my self esteem. 
And thanks for suggesting counseling- it probably would help. Like I mentioned, he couldn't learn much about marriage from his parents, so I think counseling would be a great thing to try out.


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## daisygirl 41

Hokie, hi. Maybe H just needs some time to adjust to you being part of his family. You met and married pretty quick (like me and my H) so maybe he just needs some time on this.
Sounds like he is pretty close to his dad and brother, which is great, but is it possible there are some trust issues relating to his mum? My H took a long time to get used to the relationship I had with my family as he was brought up completely differently. He was brought up to be independent of his family, where as my family are very close.

I wouldn't question that he loves you, as you said he was with his ex for 5 years and they didn't marry. How did that relationship end?

Are you a young couple? I only ask because I married at 23, my H was only 21, we had only known each other 6 months. We both had a lot of learning to do about relationships and family dynamics. Our sex life was always pretty good but we were both shy about talking about our needs and 19 years later we are still learning about communicating with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hokie-gal

Hi Daisy, hanks for you input. He doesn't really talk about his mom much and even though we go to visit when we can, he doesn't seem to want to go very often. He loves her and has a good relationship with her, and he even lived with her for a little while when he was in high school. Sometimes I do feel like he feels distanced from her, though. I've asked him if he resents her and similar questions, but he says he understands that she had her reasons for leaving and doesn't blame her. I do feel that her leaving has severly impacted how he views the husband-wife dynamic.
His relationship with his ex ended with her cheating, leaving, getting knocked up by another guy, and attempting to come back. She was almost as younger than him as I am, but her friends were into drugs and partying and he told her he didn't want to be around that. Even though I know for a fact he hasn't spoken to her since the end of the relationship (around two or so years ago) he still stays in touch with her mom and stepdad, and her mom has wished us the best in our marriage and talked to me as well (she's quite friendly.) He is somewhat bitter towards his ex because over their relationship she managed to drain his savings account and when she left she really put him in a financial bind- he had to end a lease on their apartment early and he was stuck with paying off almost the total balance on some furniture from a rent to own store. 
Agewise, we are lopsided, he is 26 and I'm almost 21. We first connected on the internet on a dating site- he had just moved back to the area and I was looking to just meet people and go on some casual dates- I wanted a break from serious relationships! But, the first time we actually met there was a little click that we couldn't really ignore. Besides the whole barely any sex and the not-family thing, we have a great relationship.


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## rj700

Hokie - his Mom left and his ex of 5 yrs cheated. Don't take this to the bank cause I am not an expert: I would say he has some trust issues and although he may really love you, he still has his defenses up. He is maintaining his distance.

When he uses the "horny goat/ sex fiend" thing, it sounds a bit judgmental, which again, may just be his defense mechanism. Since you haven't really been together very long, you don't have a lot to work with as far as trends go. I agree counseling is a good idea. And if he agrees to it, that is a good indication he a) recognizes there may be a problem and b) is willing to make an effort.


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## southern wife

Personally, I would not have married a man that *still talks about his ex.* But that's just me. YOU also need to stop comparing yourself to her. The next time he mentions ex, tell him that you don't want to hear anymore about her, that's the past, and you are his present and future. Discussions need to be about the 2 of you and your current/future life together.


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## Dad&Hubby

The whole family thing raises HUGE issues for me. Define IMMEDIATE FAMILY. The first name on the list is spouse.

That's what MAKES A FAMILY TO BEGIN WITH..Spouses....everyone else comes after that.


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## hokie-gal

Thanks, I really appreciate the responses! 
He doesn't talk about his ex very often, usually just if we are talking about relationships and the things people do to mess up in them. The more I think about it, I think the comparison was just his way of saying "No one can separate me from my blood, no matter who they are or how long I've been with them." I asked him if he really could see me trying to interfere with him and his family and I think it embarrassed him a bit, because he guffawed and said he was speaking hypothetically. Pretty sure he was just trying to look macho. 
We talked about what happened in the car, and he apologized and said that's not the way he feels. He agrees with me that we started this marriage to have a new family of our own. I explained that what he said made me feel like he saw me as second- class or not trustworthy, and he reassured me that it wasn't how he thought of me at all. He told me that he trusts me and wants to have a life together- after all, that was why he married me. He also told me that as his wife, no one else could interfere in our relationship, either. 
Right now it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Unfortunately, we're still on different pages about sex... even though he told me that he thinks he might have a low testosterone problem, he acted offended when I told him I was looking it up online. Then he told me to quit being insecure just because he wasn't banging me every two minutes and told me that he thought I looked sexy to him anyways. It's not just about the feelings of inadequacy or wanting to "get off"... I really do miss that aspect of our relationship and to me, it's an important way to stay connected to one another.


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## rj700

That's good news. However, on the sex front, I have to ask again was the "banging me every two minutes" or "wanting to get off" his exact words? That, the previous "horny goat / sex fiend" remarks and him being offended with you looking the low T up online, sounds very defensive and/or judgmental. Hopefully others here on TAM can give you some better insight on that - perhaps over on the sex in marriage section.


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## leopardprint

How he was raised shouldn't mean that's the end of discussion. There is a lot of things that change and just because someone was raised a certain way does not make it okay or right for them to go on life with that mentality.

You are his family. What exactly IS a wife to him then? What defines family?

I would find out honestly now. There are much larger issues that come with this mentality. Who is in his will? Not you? Because you're not "family". Who would he take care of first if he as a will? These things are really concerning because if you decide to share in a life together it should mean exactly that.


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## hokie-gal

A visit to the ER last night revealed a serious stomach ulcer, so I'm thinking that maybe there's a big culprit? 
The part about getting off aren't his words, but the banging every two minutes are his words.


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## *LittleDeer*

I don't think you should not let the sex thing and testosterone go. Maybe print out some info, there is a lot on this site and write him a short letter about how your needs are not being met, that it's vital to stay connected and feel desired and that what he is doing is damaging your self esteem and the marriage. Also tell him the things he says are defensive unhelpful and hurtful. Remind him that you love him and that sex and sexual desire is normal and natural, you are not a sex freak but a healthy woman who is attracted to her husband. What's wrong with that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad

Dad&Hubby said:


> The whole family thing raises HUGE issues for me. Define IMMEDIATE FAMILY. The first name on the list is spouse.
> 
> That's what MAKES A FAMILY TO BEGIN WITH..Spouses....everyone else comes after that.


This is something I don't understand. Why do other family members have to come after the spouse? If you were forced to choose and this is just hypothetical (I hope it never happens for anyone) that you could have your spouse in your life or mom (just choosing that, I am close to mine), would you really pick to not have that other family member in your life? My wife knows and understands how much my immediate family means to me. She is now apart of that, but she is apart, not at the top of the list. No person could ever be more important than those who have always been close to my heart apart of my family.


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## *LittleDeer*

gbrad said:


> This is something I don't understand. Why do other family members have to come after the spouse? If you were forced to choose and this is just hypothetical (I hope it never happens for anyone) that you could have your spouse in your life or mom (just choosing that, I am close to mine), would you really pick to not have that other family member in your life? My wife knows and understands how much my immediate family means to me. She is now apart of that, but she is apart, not at the top of the list. No person could ever be more important than those who have always been close to my heart apart of my family.


If my future husband said that then I wouldn't marry him. I think that's why marraiges fail. Nothing and no one should come before them. My children I love them so much I can't even describe it and I'd say I'm very close to my parents. But I want a life long intimate physical and emotional bond with my husband like no other. I don't want to share my life and bed for anything less. If you don't have what it takes to love your spouse deeply and completely then I don't think you should get married. JMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

hokie-gal said:


> A visit to the ER last night revealed a serious stomach ulcer, so I'm thinking that maybe there's a big culprit?
> The part about getting off aren't his words, but the banging every two minutes are his words.


Who went to the ER with him? Did you? Or did his 'real' family.

The point is that as his wife, you are the one who is not most invested in him. 

His parents are going to die one day. You, his wife, will be the person he is left with to care for and to care for him. If you are not part of his family, then why would you bother? 

The rule of thumb I have read is that we should put time and effort into people in direct proportion to how much of our REMAINING life we will spend with them and how much we will depend on them.

Since a person will spend the most time in their future life with their spouse, their spouse comes first. Next are their children. Extended family (family of origin) are 3rd. Friends are last.

The reason for marriage is to legally form a family... I think that he does not understand marriage.

Also, you might want to come right out and tell him that you are offended by him constantly comparing you to his ex. The bottom line is that you are not his ex.. and thus how dare he compare you to her.

If he does not get it... start comparing him to some old boy friend... let him see how it feels. Sometimes that's the only way to get another person to understand.


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## gbrad

*LittleDeer* said:


> If my future husband said that then I wouldn't marry him. I think that's why marraiges fail. Nothing and no one should come before them. My children I love them so much I can't even describe it and I'd say I'm very close to my parents. But I want a life long intimate physical and emotional bond with my husband like no other. I don't want to share my life and bed for anything less. If you don't have what it takes to love your spouse deeply and completely then I don't think you should get married. JMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you can love someone deeply and completely without it being unconditional love. To me; a parent, a sibling, and children, that is unconditional love. No matter what happens they are in your heart, in your life, forever. A spouse is someone you choose. As much as we care about our spouse, it is not unconditional love.


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## EleGirl

gbrad said:


> I think you can love someone deeply and completely without it being unconditional love. To me; a parent, a sibling, and children, that is unconditional love. No matter what happens they are in your heart, in your life, forever. A spouse is someone you choose. As much as we care about our spouse, it is not unconditional love.


You are right that marital love is not unconditional. One of the major mistakes that some people make is to assume it is. Once that assumption is make, they no longer put their marriage first, ignore their spouse, take them for granted, etc. And then their spouse stops loving them.


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## Maricha75

gbrad said:


> This is something I don't understand. Why do other family members have to come after the spouse? If you were forced to choose and this is just hypothetical (I hope it never happens for anyone) that you could have your spouse in your life or mom (just choosing that, I am close to mine), would you really pick to not have that other family member in your life? My wife knows and understands how much my immediate family means to me. She is now apart of that, but she is apart, not at the top of the list. No person could ever be more important than those who have always been close to my heart apart of my family.


I'm sorry if this offends you, gbrad, but when it comes to choosing spouse over FOO, I find it difficult to accept the advice of someone who has admitted that 1. divorce is often on his mind. 2. thinks there are justifications for cheating on the spouse. Sorry, but when it comes to the spouse, we CHOOSE to make a life with them. Which means we CHOSE to pick them above everyone else. If there was a disagreement between my FOO and my husband, they know who I would choose. My husband. I have sided with him MANY times over the years. By just adding the spouse to the "collection" of family members, it says "you are just one of many... not that important".

Also, again, I apologize if this offends you, gbrad, but you have said many times that you don't love your wife in that way and never have. Honestly, knowing that, it makes sense why you would just see your wife as "one of many" in the family. And it also makes me wonder if you would feel that way about any woman, should you and your wife ever divorce. I know that MOST women wouldn't put up with their husbands putting them last, or near last... choosing mommy and daddy over them. I've seen it happen a lot.


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## gbrad

Maricha75 said:


> I'm sorry if this offends you, gbrad, but when it comes to choosing spouse over FOO, I find it difficult to accept the advice of someone who has admitted that 1. divorce is often on his mind. 2. thinks there are justifications for cheating on the spouse. Sorry, but when it comes to the spouse, we CHOOSE to make a life with them. Which means we CHOSE to pick them above everyone else. If there was a disagreement between my FOO and my husband, they know who I would choose. My husband. I have sided with him MANY times over the years. By just adding the spouse to the "collection" of family members, it says "you are just one of many... not that important".
> 
> Also, again, I apologize if this offends you, gbrad, but you have said many times that you don't love your wife in that way and never have. Honestly, knowing that, it makes sense why you would just see your wife as "one of many" in the family. And it also makes me wonder if you would feel that way about any woman, should you and your wife ever divorce. I know that MOST women wouldn't put up with their husbands putting them last, or near last... choosing mommy and daddy over them. I've seen it happen a lot.


I have to say, the views I have in regards to this family aspect, have nothing to do with the woman I am with. Absolutely nothing. I had these views before I ever met her. She knew coming into the relationship, that I could never put her above my sibling. That is a relationship that can never be replaced. You can't just get another one. While the relationship with a specific spouse can't be replaced (that person themselves can't be replaced) you can find someone new to be in a relationship/marriage with if necessary. You can't just find a new mom or new sibling. Those relationships are unconditional and forever there. 
You can fault me for caring that much about those family members, and that is fine. I don't think it is a bad thing that I care that much about them. 
I don't put my wife last, she is important and there are many times I side with her on certain things, but not always, it's not a guarantee. For a while my sibling lived with us. It didn't last forever, there were conditions put on living with us and eventually that sibling had to leave. I chose my spouses feelings over my siblings in that situation. 
But if it came down to choosing only being able to have one in my life, no matter who the woman is, I could never choose to have the sibling out of my life. It is unconditional love there and nothing will ever change that.


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## Maricha75

gbrad said:


> I have to say, the views I have in regards to this family aspect, have nothing to do with the woman I am with. Absolutely nothing. I had these views before I ever met her. She knew coming into the relationship, that I could never put her above my sibling. That is a relationship that can never be replaced. You can't just get another one. While the relationship with a specific spouse can't be replaced (that person themselves can't be replaced) you can find someone new to be in a relationship/marriage with if necessary. You can't just find a new mom or new sibling. Those relationships are unconditional and forever there.
> You can fault me for caring that much about those family members, and that is fine. I don't think it is a bad thing that I care that much about them.
> I don't put my wife last, she is important and there are many times I side with her on certain things, but not always, it's not a guarantee. For a while my sibling lived with us. It didn't last forever, there were conditions put on living with us and eventually that sibling had to leave. I chose my spouses feelings over my siblings in that situation.
> But if it came down to choosing only being able to have one in my life, no matter who the woman is, I could never choose to have the sibling out of my life. It is unconditional love there and nothing will ever change that.


Ok, so I want to give you a hypothetical situation. I know you have no children as of yet, but suppose you did. Suppose you then found out that your sibling or parent had been convicted of molesting a child. Again, hypothetical. Would your unconditional love for your parent/sibling overrule your wife if she said that, under no circumstances, are the children to be taken around this person? Or, would you cut the person out, at your wife's insistence, for the safety of your child(ren)?

Another situation: if one of them genuinely didn't like your wife and spread UNTRUE rumors that she was unfaithful, or that she was spreading lies about you...Again, SHE was doing nothing, the FOO did. You would STILL cut your wife out instead of those you have professed unconditional love for? Just trying to wrap my head around this logic...

Sorry for the thread jack, hokie.


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## gbrad

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, so I want to give you a hypothetical situation. I know you have no children as of yet, but suppose you did. Suppose you then found out that your sibling or parent had been convicted of molesting a child. Again, hypothetical. Would your unconditional love for your parent/sibling overrule your wife if she said that, under no circumstances, are the children to be taken around this person? Or, would you cut the person out, at your wife's insistence, for the safety of your child(ren)?
> 
> Another situation: if one of them genuinely didn't like your wife and spread UNTRUE rumors that she was unfaithful, or that she was spreading lies about you...Again, SHE was doing nothing, the FOO did. You would STILL cut your wife out instead of those you have professed unconditional love for? Just trying to wrap my head around this logic...
> 
> Sorry for the thread jack, hokie.


Those are both difficult situations. (which you know, thats why you picked them)
That first one is hard for me to fathom, although I know hypothetical. I think of the people I consider my unconditional family and know that they would never do something like that. So it really is hard for me to consider it, molesting children is just so bad that I can't imagine that. Sorry, I just can't. 
As for the second one, I have people within my family who would act this way. But I consider them part of my extended family, not unconditional close family. 
Even though I don't think it would ever happen with one of my close family members, it is possible. 
I guess the only way I can answer it is this; the people in my FOO (I'm guessing this means family of origin) that I am really close to and have unconditional love for. There is nothing that I couldn't forgive them for doing. I may not like everything they do or say, but I will forever support them, love them, and care about them, regardless of their actions. 
If they spread rumors about my wife that I knew were not true, I wouldn't cut anyone out because of it, I would approach them about it, discuss it, and deal with it. I wouldn't cut them out or her out over it. We would deal with it and move on.


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## hokie-gal

Sorry I haven't been checking back, the internet has been acting up. 

Chris Taylor- I'm hoping that he's in the same boat that you were in.


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## hokie-gal

Sorry I haven't been checking back, the internet has been acting up. 

Chris Taylor- I'm hoping that he's in the same boat that you were in.


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## chicken little

My husband said this his family was "his family" and they were not "my family". He also forbid me to communicate with his family without his permission. His niece and sister have texted me about casual things and if I respond to them, he has a fit and said I better never do it again. If I am not a member of "his family" and am forbidden to communicate with them, should I also skip the "family" Christmas and Thanksgiving gatherings and go see "my family"? Is this normal? Am I wrong for feeling like he is being unfair?


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