# For those that are reconciling



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

It has been almost 5 months. I am struggling with an issue. Anytime that he comes to bed late or wakes up early, I get insecure. I start thinking that he starting to chat/call someone. Of course I still have access to everything and cannot see where he is making contact with anyone. Is this just a by product of the affair? How much longer will it last? Any steps to stop the thoughts?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> It has been almost 5 months. I am struggling with an issue. Anytime that he comes to bed late or wakes up early, I get insecure. I start thinking that he starting to chat/call someone. Of course I still have access to everything and cannot see where he is making contact with anyone. Is this just a by product of the affair? How much longer will it last? Any steps to stop the thoughts?


Its been 3 years since I KNOW for sure that anything was happening with my WH and I can tell you that I still have doubt in my mind most days. I dont know if it ever gets better or not. I feel like Im forever ruined in my ability to be happy and feel good about my marriage!

If you are checking up on him and finding nothing then maybe it isnt anything. Have you asked why he comes to bed late?

One thing that my WH and I have always done is go to bed at the same time. Even if Im to tired to stay up late I will fall asleep on the couch and he will wake me to go to bed but we always go at the same time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

underwater2010 said:


> . Is this just a by product of the affair? How much longer will it last? Any steps to stop the thoughts?


Yes it is. I am 5 years post D-Day and I still trigger on occasion. But not nearly at the level I did when she first went NC with TOM. Trust will take time to build again, but as I have learned it has been altered forever. Returning to a comfort level is different for everyone and is generally gradual in nature. The best advice I can give you on getting passed it is to put your efforts into improving the marriage and not fixating on what happened. If your husband is invested in the marriage and doing his part, this will pass as a major emotional issue.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

He is very invested....Thank God!!! And we almost always go to bed at the same time. Last night I was just flat out exhausted and he meant well by sending me to bed (I think I was asleep within 10-15 mins). He need to stay up to pick up the oldest from a school dance that ended at 9 pm. And he always gets up for work at the same time. I think it is just simply my mind playing games. It just flat out sucks!!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Chatting late at night and early in the morning was SOP in my EA so it's a trigger for my wife. The dilemma has been that I like to get up before my wife, have a cup of coffee and just veg in front of the news for about a half hour before everyone wakes up. I invariably end up with an iPad in my lap checking weather, TAM, or FB. I spent a long time just not having the iPad in my lap when she walked out, and then just not being on facebook to help avoid the triggers for her. Gradually as time has gone, and she has verified that everything is above board she has grown more comfortable. She's still not totally comfortable, I still see that look in her eye occasionally if she sees me with facebook open, but it's just a flash in her mind and she can quickly move past it. 

It just takes time I think. FYI we're a little over 2 years past Dday.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

UW2010,
Good bucks.

Wish you speedy recovery.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

That gives me hope Sigma. I think you hit the nail on the head. If I look back at all the messages from FB, they were all while I was sleeping or working. It must be a simple trigger. It just seems that we are further along than this.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

This was a trigger for me as well. 
During his A, he would stay up after I went to bed and text the OW. Now we either go to bed at the same time, or if he's up later, he gives me his phone. Though I'm still struggling, it helps.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> It has been almost 5 months. I am struggling with an issue. Anytime that he comes to bed late or wakes up early, I get insecure. I start thinking that he starting to chat/call someone. Of course I still have access to everything and cannot see where he is making contact with anyone. Is this just a by product of the affair? How much longer will it last? Any steps to stop the thoughts?


Underwater,

I can relate. I'm one year into R myself and have gone through all the triggers and suspicions with my wife. If your spouse wants to cheat again, it's likely you'll find out if you're making a concerted effort to monitor his activity. Even so, you have to realize there's only so much you can do. Don't let it get the best of you.

I'm at a point now where my wife is retired and is at home all day while I'm at work. I still do what I can do to track her calls and computer activity, but if she's going to cheat again, I'm resigned to the possibility that she could.

But after a year, I feel more confident that she won't. Why? Because she's demonstrated transparency, true remorse and a loving attitude. She also knows there will be no second chances. That, above all, is what you should be looking for in him.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Trust will take time to build again, but as I have learned it has been altered forever.


Sadly this is the price that betrayed spouses pay for reconciling. But I believe that its a good thing. No point going back to blindly trusting someone who you know, is capable of sabotaging your marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

2 years out here as well. He would chat at work, while I was at groceries, even when I was in another room.

I rarely trigger now, but it does still happen. Last week his curling game went overtime and he didn't get home till after midnight. I had fallen asleep and woke in the middle of the night and woke him up to demand an explanation. He gave it, was remorseful and apologetic, comforted me, said he was sorry and generally did exactly what I needed. He didn't get defensive at all, or get mad that I woke him. THAT is what we BS's need from the WS's, and when we get it, it heals us just a little bit more. When we don't get it, it sets us back and makes the process just that much longer.

If a WS always reacts with anger/resentment when we bring up triggers, R is not very likely to work. Not very likely at all.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I am 5 months out also. And the night time contact to the OM was something that went on with my WW too. My wife never goes to bed when I do, she is a night owl. This was a problem at first, I would say the first several months I would check up on her, spot check her on her computer from mine, I have remote control software installed so I can see that she's doing, and yes she knows it's installed.

With her complete tranparancy and after a while I had to just let it go, that's no way to live. She had shown such tranparency and there were no flags of any kind when I checked up on her. I could see she was spending ALL of her time here on TAM. 

Now, I go to bed and no triggers at all, she is still up many hours after I am in bed. I know that she will not do this again, I just know it, and I am confident in that. We have worked so incredibly hard at R, and talked through so much and are both still in IC and MC.

Call me crazy, but I guess, fact is, I trust her again. Now, if I get one little flag, not even a red one, say a yellow one, I am quick to check up on her, I will fall into insecure mode very quickly, that's just something I guess I will live with.
I have only done this a few times in the past 2 months. She was very down recently and a little distant, that triggered me, so I checked cell records and it was fine. Later we talked through the problem and resolved it. She has made it clear over and over, NEVER again will she have an A.

Also I would like to repeat what hope just said:
"THAT is what we BS's need from the WS's, and when we get it, it heals us just a little bit more. When we don't get it, it sets us back and makes the process just that much longer."

"If a WS always reacts with anger/resentment when we bring up triggers, R is not very likely to work. Not very likely at all. "

So true!!!!


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

It will be with you forever, the secret is to learn how to live with it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The loss of naivity and death of unconditional trust is something you will mourn forever. They are gone, forever. You may forgive and move on with time. But, I doubt your subconscious mind can forget who murdered that innocence. 

I think you can forgive, but you'll never forget.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I also want to point out that, for myself anyway, I never did have 100% complete and unconditional trust in my husband. I wouldn't have that with anyone, now or before he cheated. Maybe because my first husband also cheated, although it was never confronted about when we were married. I just don't feel like putting that kind of trust in someone else's hands, I guess.


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