# Is this cheating?



## sa123456

My wife & I have been married for 6 years with 1 son, and she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.

Within this 1 week, she has already had a full sexual relationship (ie not a one night stand - she has stayed at his place multiple nights, he's been to our house while I was away a couple of days ago, they chat all the time, etc - they're basically "dating"). They are new friends, and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that sex started only this week, but I don't see how it can go so far so quickly.

I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone after some lies were told to me (I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.

I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.

I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.

Is this cheating?

We have not yet discussed schedules for our son, or boundaries of the separation, or anything like that at all.


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## LostinMO

*It is cheating. No ifs, ands, or buts.*


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## Marc878

sa123456 said:


> My wife & I have been married for 6 years with 1 son, and she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.
> 
> She had a guy lined up or was already cheating. The separation was to get you out of the way so she could go full time. Check your phone bill and you'll probably see how long this was going on
> 
> Within this 1 week, she has already had a full sexual relationship (ie not a one night stand - she has stayed at his place multiple nights, he's been to our house while I was away a couple of days ago, they chat all the time, etc - they're basically "dating"). *They are new friends, and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that sex started only this week, but I don't see how it can go so far so quickly.*
> 
> You can't possibly be that naive. Cmon man????
> 
> I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone after some lies were told to me (I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.
> 
> I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.
> 
> Your are being played to the max!!! Good god man!!!
> 
> I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.
> 
> Understand what? If you can't see this you are dead meat
> 
> Is this cheating?
> 
> We have not yet discussed schedules for our son, or boundaries of the separation, or anything like that at all.


I hope you did not leave your home!!!!!! If you did get back now and have her move out.

*If you have any self respect at all you'll file for divorce immediately.*

Shes a very brazen cheater. She's banking on you to be a total doormat.

You'd better wake the hell up quick

If you don't she's going to continue to walk all over you and kick your ass to the curb. She's in reality already done it.


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## Openminded

Trial separations don't usually work because the agenda for one person often is not really to save the marriage -- it's to date. Sex may or may not have begun before you separated but he very likely was already in the picture as a potential partner. No one moves that fast. 

She played you about wanting to fix the marriage. She never did. Don't be her Plan B in case he doesn't work out. Divorce her and move on.


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## sa123456

I understand these responses... but they hurt like hell.


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## Herschel

sa123456 said:


> I understand these responses... but they hurt like hell.


The responses don’t hurt. The truth and your lying sack of shiz soon to be ex-wife. Drop her and file for divorce immediately. Anything is better than this.


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## Marc878

sa123456 said:


> I understand these responses... but they hurt like hell.


You don't get to a real good attorney it's gonna hurt more and for a longer period of time than it should.

Bring her other man into your home like she's done says you mean nothing.

I gotta be honest I've seen a lot but this is one of the most deceitful things I've heard of.

I'd bet she's been cheating for awhile. Your phone bill will tell you that.

Better get the thought of who you thought she was out of your mind quickly and replace it with the facts of who she is.

You let your heart and fear rule you now you are in for a real brutal time.

She may have talked you into this and put you in this position but the only one that can keep you there is you.....


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## Marc878

At this point do not beg, plead or cry to her. Talk will get you nothing.

Your actions are all that count. 

Read up you need this badly
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## GusPolinski

Separated or not, and cheating or not, why is she bringing her ****buddies back to your place?


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## Diana7

Even if they hadn't had sex before the separation(which is very unlikely) she is still cheating because you are married. She lied about why she wanted you to leave the home. At the very least she should have been honest with you that she is having an affair and wants you out of the way so she can cheat more easily. 

I would move back in, there is no reason why you have to leave your home and child. if she wants to leave let her leave. 

ts hard to understand how people can be so utterly selfish, especially when they have a child. She gets rid of his father and then another man comes round a few days later. Just despicable.


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## Satya

As was already stated, "separation" to "work on the marriage" is a joke. The only way to work on a marriage is to be actively engaged (both spouses). That requires still living and being around each other. Separation is one spouse getting away from the other or both getting away from each other. Nothing is going to get fixed when that happens. It's a one-way ticket to do-whatever-the-f-you-want-ville. Or whomever, as this case is.

I think that in your gut, you knew the answer, but if you need reassurance, many here will oblige.

So, what is your next step?


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## arbitrator

sa123456 said:


> My wife & I have been married for 6 years with 1 son, and she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.
> 
> Within this 1 week, she has already had a full sexual relationship (ie not a one night stand - she has stayed at his place multiple nights, he's been to our house while I was away a couple of days ago, they chat all the time, etc - they're basically "dating"). They are new friends, and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that sex started only this week, but I don't see how it can go so far so quickly.
> 
> I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone after some lies were told to me (I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.
> 
> I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.
> 
> I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.
> 
> Is this cheating?
> 
> We have not yet discussed schedules for our son, or boundaries of the separation, or anything like that at all.


*My friend, rest assured that the whole damned rationale behind the concept of "trial separations" is so that the cheating spouse can get some on the side, largely outside of their partners physical presence! 

From personal experience, I've been there and done that! When my RSXW called me into the study on that fateful 2011 March morning to inform me that we needed a "trial separation" in which to try "to save" our marriage, I was delusional, but all at the same time, quite acceptant of it as she gave off signals that she seemed to be in the throes of a breakdown, and I acquiesingly agreed to her flippant proposal: A fatal mistake! Little did I know that she was already sleeping with guys on her numerous out-of-town "business trips!"

Sad to say, but the ages-old line of thinking with the cheating spouse is simply that during such activity, that their betrayed partner is "out of state, and out of mind," all while they are unremorsefully cheating with their affair partner!*


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## aine

sa123456 said:


> My wife & I have been married for 6 years with 1 son, and she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.
> 
> Within this 1 week, she has already had a full sexual relationship (ie not a one night stand - she has stayed at his place multiple nights, he's been to our house while I was away a couple of days ago, they chat all the time, etc - they're basically "dating"). They are new friends, and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that sex started only this week, but I don't see how it can go so far so quickly.
> 
> I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone after some lies were told to me (I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.
> 
> I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.
> 
> I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.
> 
> Is this cheating?
> 
> We have not yet discussed schedules for our son, or boundaries of the separation, or anything like that at all.


Of course it is cheating, you are being fed a load of baloney.
She says she wanted the separation 'to fix things' and then goes out and gets herself a man. Sounds like she already had him (and sex with him too). You need to take decisive action here, otherwise it is becoming a battle of semantics.
Go see a lawyer, see your options, see what your rights are over the child, considering she's out partying, there may be some things the lawyer can do. Have divorce papers drawn up. Do not beg, cry, plead, etc. Do the 180 hard.


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## Evinrude58

I disagree. She’s not cheating.

She’s just totally done wiTh you, and you’re only allowed to communicate with her because she needs you for something. She divorced you in her mind a while ago. Is she a rotten person? Uh, yeah.

Divorce. Move back in your home.


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## SentHereForAReason

I believe this is cheating but more to the point. It is a BIG signal that she had already cheated before this week. Unless she's a sex addict that was just waiting to screw anyone once she had that excuse, she had this lined up well before the separation even happened and there could be others. Please listen to the VETs here.

- Talk to a lawyer TODAY .... TODAY
- Move back into your home and do not discuss anything with her as I know the emotions will be high and you will want to because you are in shock and will want to know WHY? She will try to draw you into conversation but do not engage.

You need to protect you SON at all costs, he must not be allowed exposure to your (STBX)Wife's Boyfriend. The moment you start thinking about how could she, why and this can't be happening and you start to go the route of thinking you need to save it, which will happen, it still happens to me 10 months after the first DDay and 3 months after the divorce process started .... think about your son. He is innocent in all of this and has a mom that will say she loves him but there's only one priority on her mind right now. Squash that today - LAWYER


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## Taxman

This was blatant cheating, and treating you like an idiot. Next time you meet her, have the divorce papers in hand. Since she wanted this separation, talk to your attorney and arrange that the divorce not be in her favor. She seems to think that you are a nice guy. Become a son of a bi+ch. You have been played.

Since you are separated, change the locks, and tell her you are getting full custody. Tell her that her mommy days are over, and her wh0re days have just begun. PS, tell her that it is cheating, because you are married. My wife justified her revenge affair, because we were separated. I asked if sex during marriage is cheating? She said it was, and I pointed out that we weren't divorced at that time, so yeah, you f'ing cheated and it was a revenge cheat. Then I said, "How would you have liked it if your mom found out you slept with someone while we were separated? She would not have liked it.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> Even if they hadn't had sex before the separation(which is very unlikely) she is still cheating because you are married. She lied about why she wanted you to leave the home. At the very least she should have been honest with you that she is having an affair and wants you out of the way so she can cheat more easily.
> 
> I would move back in, there is no reason why you have to leave your home and child. if she wants to leave let her leave.
> 
> ts hard to understand how people can be so utterly selfish, especially when they have a child. She gets rid of his father and then another man comes round a few days later. Just despicable.


 @Diana7

You see....

You have never wavered, never gone soft on 'crime', on waywardness, on immaturity, on immorality. 
Yours' is Black and White thinking in a cold, cloudy, uncertain Gray World. A Gray World where anything goes; anything short of blood, guts and murder.

Before, you had mostly, if not solely, sad sack detractors. Now you have gained, garnered a few 'Likes" and a few supporters.

I, for one. 
No, I, all along, all throughout. 

I, never wavering in support of your simplistic views. Aye.

Though, in truth, I fall short of your standards, standards that hold tight our fragile civilization, hold tight our morals.
Your thinking, while harsh, holds fast our standards of living. Our living amongst Bohemians, amongst Chaos.

Thank you and G' Day, Goodnight. 

To you in your Greenwich Mean Time, GMT. 
Not mean, just sensible. In this insensitive time, insensitive, selfish life. 



SunCMars-


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## Lostinthought61

Seriously your buying that form her......stop this crap and tell her that you are moving towards divorce this was her way to cheat DON NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR....you were set up


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## sa58

Get a lawyer and move back into your house.
TODAY!! During a divorce she may try and claim that
you abandoned her and kids. Simply pack your stuff and 
go home. You never know what you may walk into so be
careful. If any of her new (YEAH RIGHT) friends stuff is there
trow it out. This was her way of getting to spend more time with him.
Divorce her and maybe if you are back in your house she will not have 
as much time to cheat. STILL DIVORCE HER EVEN IF THE OTHER 
RELATIONSHIP ENDS


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## Diana7

SunCMars said:


> @Diana7
> 
> You see....
> 
> You have never wavered, never gone soft on 'crime', on waywardness, on immaturity, on immorality.
> Yours' is Black and White thinking in a cold, cloudy, uncertain Gray World. A Gray World where anything goes; anything short of blood, guts and murder.
> 
> Before, you had mostly, if not solely, sad sack detractors. Now you have gained, garnered a few 'Likes" and a few supporters.
> 
> I, for one.
> No, I, all along, all throughout.
> 
> I, never wavering in support of your simplistic views. Aye.
> 
> Though, in truth, I fall short of your standards, standards that hold tight our fragile civilization, hold tight our morals.
> Your thinking, while harsh, holds fast our standards of living. Our living amongst Bohemians, amongst Chaos.
> 
> Thank you and G' Day, Goodnight.
> 
> To you in your Greenwich Mean Time, GMT.
> Not mean, just sensible. In this insensitive time, insensitive, selfish life.
> 
> 
> 
> SunCMars-


Thanks:smile2:

Basically I just hate cheating. I have seen far too many marriages and people in my family so deeply hurt by it and the terrible consequences it brings. That's partly why I have such strong words to say about it.


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## sh987

"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings. "

-Dr Willard Harley

Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)


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## MattMatt

@sa123456 She is cheating and there is no hope of reconciliation, at least while she continues to cheat.

I think your thread would be a better fit in the Coping With Infidelity section where there will be more expert help from people who have been through what you are going through.

I can move it for you if you wish?

Also, do not allow your wife's new "friend" to be anywhere near your son. Have him checked against the Sex Offenders Register.


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## NickyT

Yes, absolutely, it is cheating. You separated with the intent that it would be a trial and the goal of the separation was to facilitate fixing the marriage. Under those conditions, you had every reason to expect fidelity. Had you separated with the goal of checking out the field to decide if you still want to be in the marriage, that would be different.

That she did this all within a week leads one to believe she had this planned and scheduled....and she brought him to YOUR house? Deal breaker.

When my husband and I separated, he agreed to no dating and it was with the intent that we would do some thinking and return to talk about next steps. Hahaha. My husband dated and boffed, all the while telling me how much he loved me and wanted our marriage to work out. He kept saying how we were meant to be together and he wanted to understand why I wanted a separation. He would come and spend weekends with me and the kids (later I realized it was every other weekend b/c the GF had children she had with her every other weekend). Long story short: I was devastated and all my friends say it was not cheating because we were separated. Um....no.

My advice: divorce. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Rip that bandaid off and get on with the business of healing. I wish I had....I let it all drag out. Very tough on the kids.


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## *Deidre*

So, she's sleeping with other men to improve the marriage? That's a new one. It's cheating if you thought you were both going to just separate and not sleep with others. Sounds like she wanted a separation to date others, not really figure things out with you. Sorry you're dealing with this.


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## sokillme

sa123456 said:


> I understand these responses... but they hurt like hell.


Sorry man, but the truth is staying with her now will only prolong the hurt. Things in life end. Your wife lied to you and blew up your marriage. Even if you were the worst husband in the world you didn't deserve to be strung along with false hope. So it's over with her, feel the pain, grieve the loss, but most importantly talk to a lawyer and divorce her. Don't eve love anyone enough to let them treat you like she is treating you now. If you won't protect yourself who will.


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## Graywolf2

sa123456 said:


> she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.


DID YOU AND YOUR WIFE AGREE TO AN OPEN MARRIAGE DURING THE SEPERATION? I.E. SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE WAS OK?

This is how it usually works. The wife has a boyfriend lined up and asks for a separation. She never mentions having sex with other people. The husband assumes that there will be no sex. They separate and the wife tries the boy friend on for size. If the boy friend is great and has long term potential then she tells her husband that the separation didn't work and she wants a divorce. After the divorce she meets the boy friend and starts dating.  Very clean. 

If the boy friend doesn't work out she goes back to her husband and says the separation worked and she loves him. She never mentions the sex with the OM. If the husband finds out then she says it was OK because they were separated. 

Either way the husband didn't have sex with other people because he didn't know it was allowed. Basically the separation was a one way hall pass for the wife that the husband didn't know he was giving her.



sa123456 said:


> I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone* after some lies were told to me *(I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.
> 
> I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.
> 
> I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.


If the separation was on the up and up why did she lie to you?

Don't try the understand. She wants you to be forced to take her back after having sex with another man because you were separated. Don't even get into this argument. I wouldn't use the sex as a reason to divorce her. I would agree with her that the marriage was bad and *BOTH *of you needed a separation to figure things out. The separation didn't improve things so you want a divorce. The sex had nothing to do with it. She was correct about the state of the marriage. 

That will throw her for a loop because she's all ready to debate you about sex during the separation..> i.e "You can't divorce me for that because we were separated." 

By the way you need to DNA test your son no matter who he looks like. You can buy a kit at Walmart, Amazon or about any drug store. You just swab the inside of your cheek and the kids. Then send the kit to a lab.


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## Townes

Trial "separation" is a bit of a misnomer. It usually means trial "relationship" with the new person. That's really what's being tried out. Separation is just a way to lower your risk while you see if the new person is really worth pulling the trigger for. I'm sorry for what you're going through. That's just awful. I sincerely hope you give yourself the respect and dignity you deserve when making decisions.


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## Decorum

She completely played you.
Got the seperation so she could try someone else out without looking like a cheater.

This is not uncommon at all.

You have to start to live your own life now. If she ever chases you it will be when she thinks she will lose you for good.

Detach yourself emotionally from her.
Make a plan, be happy, confident, unavailable and disinterested in her.

New friends, social life , interests, hobbies, hit the gym.

Become the best version of you, for yourself not her, and take hold of your life.

It's your only path now, and your healthiest choice.


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## Marc878

So are you going to stop being a doormat and get out of infidelity or what?


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## jlcrome

100 percent to the heck ya it's cheating


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## jlg07

@sa123456, any updates here? I really hope you are moving forward with getting this cheater out of your life. please read what Graywolf2 wrote above -- it is exactly what she pulled on you.


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## Steve2.0

You need to man up real quick. Read "no more mr. nice guy" and "hold on to your nuts" ASAP.

1) Someone doesn't ask to be separated from the thing they want to fix. What kind of thinking is this?
2) Someone who has sex with someone as soon as that separation starts got what they originally wanted

She doesnt want to fix things with you, she wants to have sex with other people (or this dude in particular)

Once she is done she can /end the separation and come home to a loving husband. Hopefully by then you are locking the door on her


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## Stormguy2018

sa123456 said:


> My wife & I have been married for 6 years with 1 son, and she recently said she wanted to trial a separation to try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever. That was 1 week ago.
> 
> Within this 1 week, she has already had a full sexual relationship (ie not a one night stand - she has stayed at his place multiple nights, he's been to our house while I was away a couple of days ago, they chat all the time, etc - they're basically "dating"). They are new friends, and I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that sex started only this week, but I don't see how it can go so far so quickly.
> 
> I found this out yesterday when I checked her phone after some lies were told to me (I know I know... I've never looked at her phone before and I feel bad for doing so) and I wanted confirmation of what is happening.
> 
> I confronted her yesterday, and she feels that because we had just separated, she has done nothing wrong.
> 
> I disagree completely, however I'm trying to understand.
> 
> Is this cheating?
> 
> We have not yet discussed schedules for our son, or boundaries of the separation, or anything like that at all.


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## Stormguy2018

Good grief man! YES it's cheating! She's not a bit sorry about it so . . . . move on.


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## Diana7

I cant believe you even need to ask. She has clearly been seeing him for some time anyway, why do you think she wanted a separation?


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## Ab10lah

So she asks for a trial separation to " try and fix things so we can continue on happier than ever." and one week later, she has slept with another man (more than once even) and trying to convince you it ain't cheating?

Looks like she just couldn't wait to have more time with whichever guy she was already cheating on you with.

And of course, she knows it's cheating, she just must think so low of you to even think of telling you it's not.


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## 2ntnuf

@Evinrude58 got it right on the first page. 

The question is, why have you not done similar? She's done. Get a divorce. Find another woman.


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## Lingeric

May be there is something your wife is trying to do behind you. Let see what happen next.


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## Cynthia

sa123456 - the OP - hasn't posted since March 18, 2018. He only has two posts. He came here, got the answer he needed, and didn't come back.


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