# Tired of being the fixer. Help with Husband anger/annoyed



## annabella8910 (Jun 19, 2017)

My husband is slowly turning into his father. A fear of mine the past 16 years. 

Everything annoys him. He barks constantly. He swears at me and yells at me in front of our toddler. Now this is just a 'what the **** are you talking about' or 'why the **** would you do that' kind of yelling. But it is still swearing and mean and happens daily. 

I am pretty chill. I'm also a psychology nut who has a B.S. in Psychology and loves being the family therapist. I always Deescalate. I always respond to these 'outbursts' or 'barks' of his with a positive comment that leads us into a better place. I'm the fixer. I keep my hurt feelings down deep and move on with a smile. It works.

But I am sick of it. I am sick of hiding my hurt feelings every day. I feel that because I am always lifting him out of his negativity and hiding how much he hurts me- that he will never change. Because he doesn't even think he does anything wrong. HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE IS NICE!

Now the past couple days I've been reacting to his mean yelling. I've been acting hurt. Which is truthful. He does hurt my feelings every day. And when I did this last night in the car after he yelled at me in front of our daughter he said 'you really have to stop doing this ****'. My response was...'you are doing it. I am reacting.' This of course made things worse and instead of moving forward he was mad and we had a terrible outing.

So I ended up making our night terrible because I stood up for myself instead of just smoothing things over as I always have the past 16 years.....

Anyone have a success story or method? 

I think...how can this man even like me if he gets so annoyed with me every day.... does he even like me? Thank you all.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, of course he likes you, Dear! He likes you quiet, accommodating, pleasant in the face of his nastiness, and unwilling to challenge him on anything. What's not to love about a spouse that is unfailingly sweet natured no matter how you treat her? And why should he change? You've been teaching him, consistently, for 16 years that if he barks at you, you'll just try harder to mollify him. 

You can try to get him to stop, but it's going to require a lot of consistency and self control on your part. Every time he barks at you, stop what you're doing, look him in the eye and calmly say "That was unkind and uncalled for. We can continue this conversation when you feel able to speak to me respectfully," then calmly walk away and go do something else for a while. Call him out on his bad behavior, but also _refuse_ to engage in an argument about it with him. You're likely to have to keep repeating yourself - that he's being nasty but you'd be happy to come back to the issue when he's more in control of himself - over and over as he tries to escalate it into an argument about how your feelings are wrong. And you'll need to repeat yourself every single time he barks at you until he gives up on the tactic. Now, he may never give up on that tactic, or he may choose to escalate, but you will know that you've done your part. If there's no improvement after whatever amount of time you've allocated for this, or it gets worse, you may have to decide if being married to him is worth the hurt feelings and continued effort.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*To be chill or not to be chill? That is the question*

Two things:

1. The barking at you is abuse. Needs to stop.
2. Your H is teaching your child how to handle women or what is acceptable (yell, bark and swear). Needs to stop.

YOUR H NEEDS COUNSELING. Anger management classes. Demand your H signs up or you will separate. This is not a healthy relationship for you or your daughter.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Need men opinions...thanks!*



annabella8910 said:


> My husband.....Everything annoys him. He barks constantly. He swears at me and yells at me in front of our toddler. Now this is just a 'what the **** are you talking about' or 'why the **** would you do that' kind of yelling. But it is still swearing and mean and happens daily.
> 
> I am pretty chill. I'm also a psychology nut who has a B.S. in Psychology and loves being the family therapist. I always Deescalate. I always respond to these 'outbursts' or 'barks' of his with a positive comment that leads us into a better place. I'm the fixer. I keep my hurt feelings down deep and move on with a smile. It works.
> 
> ...


The next and every time he starts swearing at you tell him to **** off and then leave the room.He will soon get the message.
It also works without the swearing but will take a lot longer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rowan beat me to it. Read that post over and over. That's what you need to do. 

You have taught him that it's ok for him to treat you like that. Now you have to teach him that it's not ok after all. And you are going to have to be somewhat patient as it will take him a few times to get it. Set a time limit, perhaps 3 months. At that point assess if it's getting better, worse, or is the same. Then decide if you are wiling to give it another 3 months. If you are not you need to consider divorcing him.

Another thing that you need to work on is not taking his cursing and mean remarks personally. They do not reflect on who you are. They are a reflection on who he is.

My ex used to do this. I did not make nice. For a long time I would try to stand up for myself, and explain what was wrong with his verbal attack. That of course only made it worse. 

Then one day it was a like a light switch was clicked... he came home from work in a mood and started going at me verbally. Where I used to take it personally, that day I realized that this was all about him. He said those things because he does not like himself, he is upset, and I was the nearest and easiest target. I just looked at him and said "Guess you are having a bad day!" and walked away. Leaving him to his own problems. After that I never took anything he said in his outbursts personally. They had nothing to do with me. After that I used to imagine him yelling at himself in a mirror. That helped me not get into it with him.

It is time that you realize that your husband's mean words are a reflection of how he feels about himself. And they have nothing to do with you. 

I read a book "The Dance of Anger" and it explained a lot about angry people. It also gave a way to handle it.. basically what Rowan posted. But they suggested using a safe word. I used the word "STOP". 

When he would say something mean/attack, I would say "STOP" and put my hand up in a "stop" gesture. Then I said I was not going to continue talking until he calmed down. And then I would go to another room, out for a walk, etc. (always took our son with me).


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Yup, what they both said.

Make sure you put a time frame on it and stick to it.

My ex is the same way. Always snarky and bitter. I got sick of his s*** and we split up.
On his crappy days I ignore his comments, then before I can even open my mouth I get "oh **** now I get the ****ing silent treatment". I love it when he says that. I get to reply "thank you for giving me a second to formulate my thoughts and open my mouth" then I go at him for being nasty and snarky and he stfu.
Took me years to learn how to make that man stfu, but I love it when I do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

annabella8910 said:


> My husband is slowly turning into his father. A fear of mine the past 16 years.
> 
> Everything annoys him. He barks constantly. He swears at me and yells at me in front of our toddler. Now this is just a 'what the **** are you talking about' or 'why the **** would you do that' kind of yelling. But it is still swearing and mean and happens daily.
> 
> ...


start recording his outbursts and tell him he needs anger management therapy otherwise you will leave him. This is not healthy for your daughter, you are both destroying her future. You have to follow through on this.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Well, of course he likes you, Dear! He likes you quiet, accommodating, pleasant in the face of his nastiness, and unwilling to challenge him on anything. What's not to love about a spouse that is unfailingly sweet natured no matter how you treat her? And why should he change? You've been teaching him, consistently, for 16 years that if he barks at you, you'll just try harder to mollify him.
> 
> You can try to get him to stop, but it's going to require a lot of consistency and self control on your part. Every time he barks at you, stop what you're doing, look him in the eye and calmly say "That was unkind and uncalled for. We can continue this conversation when you feel able to speak to me respectfully," then calmly walk away and go do something else for a while. Call him out on his bad behavior, but also _refuse_ to engage in an argument about it with him. You're likely to have to keep repeating yourself - that he's being nasty but you'd be happy to come back to the issue when he's more in control of himself - over and over as he tries to escalate it into an argument about how your feelings are wrong. And you'll need to repeat yourself every single time he barks at you until he gives up on the tactic. Now, he may never give up on that tactic, or he may choose to escalate, but you will know that you've done your part. If there's no improvement after whatever amount of time you've allocated for this, or it gets worse, you may have to decide if being married to him is worth the hurt feelings and continued effort.


Of course there are some that would say this is just another way of being passive aggressive...just so they can have the last word. They teach that in ******* school.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> Of course there are some that would say this is just another way of being passive aggressive...just so they can have the last word. They teach that in ******* school.


How is not allowing someone to verbally attack you an act of passive aggression?


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

*Re: Need men opinions...thanks!*



Andy1001 said:


> The next and every time he starts swearing at you tell him to **** off and then leave the room.He will soon get the message.
> It also works without the swearing but will take a lot longer.


I will say that from my experience, fighting fire with fire is one of the worst things you can in your marriage. 

Leaving the room and punishing the abuser with isolation... good. Fighting fire with fire by swearing at your husband... bad. Especially if it's in front of your kids! That will only add to the bad example your husband started.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How is not allowing someone to verbally attack you an act of passive aggression?


Like I said, some people would think this, merely by they way it was said. Not because it's not allowing someone to not attack you, it's because you were, in a passive, way, pushing back and in so doing pushing the fault back onto your spouse. 

I'm not saying this is right or makes sense, I've just seen alot of people do this before... and call it being passive aggressive.


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Rowan said:


> And you'll need to repeat yourself every single time he barks at you until he gives up on the tactic. Now, he may never give up on that tactic, or he may choose to escalate, but you will know that you've done your part. If there's no improvement after whatever amount of time you've allocated for this, or it gets worse, you may have to decide if being married to him is worth the hurt feelings and continued effort.


I second this opinion, OP. You need to set boundaries for communication in your marriage, and let your husband know that crossing boundaries has consequences. If he yells at you, it ends the conversation instantly. If he yells at you, you address him calmly and then leave the room. If he yells at you, the playground is closed... no sex for him later. You get the point.

I do think before you even consider leaving your husband over this, it needs to be articulated to him (as others have stated) that he needs therapy to better manage his anger. Insist on this, in way that doesn't provoke him. Insist also on marriage counseling, toward improved conflict resolution. Both of you can benefit from that.

In the end, if your husband won't get professional help after your insistence, that says a lot. It confirms that he can't recognize his own problem, and in his opinion, you're not worth him changing his behavior. Under these circumstances, it becomes clear that your husband's yelling and cussing are here to stay. 

Your decision then becomes do you tolerate him for the family's togetherness, or do you break the family over his behavior and divorce. 

Tough choice, but hopefully you won't have to make it. Good luck!


----------



## annabella8910 (Jun 19, 2017)

Thanks for the feedback. I was always dispositioned to 'make nice' right away and that has just reinforced this behavior. Any time I tell him that what he does is 'verbal abuse' he flips out. Starts comparing himself to other men we know and how awful they are and 'would you rather have them.' He thinks my standards are too high. Really I am not a nag. I just don't want mean yelling and swearing. 

So because he is an interactive father, has a great career, is nice to be around 90% of the time.... he thinks I should just deal I guess.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

annabella8910 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I was always dispositioned to 'make nice' right away and that has just reinforced this behavior. Any time I tell him that what he does is 'verbal abuse' he flips out. Starts comparing himself to other men we know and how awful they are and 'would you rather have them.' He thinks my standards are too high. Really I am not a nag. I just don't want mean yelling and swearing.
> 
> So because he is an interactive father, has a great career, is nice to be around 90% of the time.... he thinks I should just deal I guess.


What do you think?

I like the idea of you recording him doing this. You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep in hidden on your person. Get recording of him acting this way.

Then once you have a compilation of it, you can play it to him and let him hear himself.

When he asks you if you would want to be with the other awful men he brings up, your could reply.... nope, and I also do not like the way you chose to be angry and abusive. 

Have you considered getting him into counseling with you? After he denies that he acts like this to a counselor, you could play the recording to show the counselor what you are talking about. With that I would think that the counselor would have something to say to him.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

annabella8910 said:


> My husband is slowly turning into his father. A fear of mine the past 16 years.
> 
> Everything annoys him. He barks constantly. He swears at me and yells at me in front of our toddler. Now this is just a 'what the **** are you talking about' or 'why the **** would you do that' kind of yelling. But it is still swearing and mean and happens daily.


You of all people should know this is mental abuse. That he is abusing his own child. And that you are an accomplice to it by 'de-escalating' - i.e. ENABLING THE ABUSE.



> I am pretty chill. I'm also a psychology nut who has a B.S. in Psychology and loves being the family therapist. I always Deescalate. I always respond to these 'outbursts' or 'barks' of his with a positive comment that leads us into a better place. I'm the fixer. I keep my hurt feelings down deep and move on with a smile. It works.


Actually, it doesn't work. It enables. And you should know that stuffing your feelings is exactly the WRONG thing to do from a psychological perspective and is not sustainable.

I'm going to guess that you had a less-than-stellar childhood, that at least one of your parents was mean or controlling or angry or alcoholic. Am I right? Many many people who go into psychology do so to overcome the painful childhood they had.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well...

How does he react if/when you walk away? 

As a psychology type, can you determine if he can self sooth? How's his emotional control with others?


----------

