# Close call with wife's colleague..advice appreciated



## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

I had to leave with my young son to be home with a sick parent. My wife who works long hours had several weeks to herself. We skyped everynight...at the end of one of our sessiosn she mentioned a colleauge from overseas was in town and they would be going out together. I didn't say much and our conversation ended.

I thought about it a while and sent her a message saying I didn't feel comfortable about it especially since our relationship wasn't perfect and I wasn't there.. I ended up staying up all night and sending a few more messages detailing why I thought it was a bad idea. 

When I confronted her in the morning she was shocked and I couldn't understand why. She didn't want to cancel. She didn't know that she left her ipad with her facebook account with me and i was able to read their messages.

Just to give you some history, she had met this guy at a month long conference several years ago. They were housemates with several other people who were attending the conference. She told me about him and the other people. They would hang out in the evenings. I fairly sure nothing happened. 


Anyways he was in town and decided to contact her via facebook so they could go out. She told him great, she was single for the week and they could go to an area of town that had a boardwalk and maybe have something to eat. He ended up messaging her back and saying he could probably take more time off the conference and still get credit so they could hang out more.

At this point I befriended him on facebook and told him it was highly inappropriate for him to ask my wife out especially with me not being present. He said he understood and I never heard from him again.

Now my wife and I are at odds over this. I told her she was in dangerous territory whether she knew so or not. She thinks I am being controlling .

I am just trying to get some persective on my actions and advice on how to proceed.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

JamesT said:


> I had to leave with my young son to be home with a sick parent. My wife who works long hours had several weeks to herself. We skyped everynight...at the end of one of our sessiosn she mentioned a colleauge from overseas was in town and they would be going out together. I didn't say much and our conversation ended.
> 
> I thought about it a while and sent her a message saying I didn't feel comfortable about it especially since our relationship wasn't perfect and I wasn't there.. I ended up staying up all night and sending a few more messages detailing why I thought it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


A married woman should not be going out alone with another man w/o her husband unless he is a relative or a friend of the marriage (both of you) & even that would really depend on the circumstances.

Even if she has no romantic feelings for him; he could have for her.

You did good


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Three books for you:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (link to excerpts on google books in my signature--take a look at the table of contents)

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

and IF she is entirely out of contact with him, His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley.


Just so you know, men who have no compunction hitting on married women are rarely scared off this way. If you wanted to scare him off, the person you should have told was his wife.

I feel for you, "fairly sure" nothing happened when they were hanging out in the evenings. I know you want to believe this. I hope very much you are right.

Not Just Friends was written by a leading infidelity researcher and it summarizes a wealth of studies on the subject. It is the very best book out there on how emotional affairs function. Your wife is either in deep denial (which is precisely how emotional affairs start) or else, and I'm sorry to say this, she is skillfully lying to you. 

It doesn't take long for such a relationship to become an infatuation that is extremely difficult to break. Do not underestimate the power of the escapist fantasy.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

Thanks for the quick reply....those were exactly my sentiments. It's hard to determine and exact boundary because she works in a male dominated field and is very personable. 

However, sometimes I don't think she draws a boundary. For example, she has a new job now and a male colleague is suddenly very interested in her (more than all the other co-workers). I know she is not interested in him, but wish she would make it clear that he shouldn't contact/text her so much.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Three books for you:
> 
> Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (link to excerpts on google books in my signature--take a look at the table of contents)
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. I knew I was in danger, mainly due to his texts. I know she knew him and had read her messages over two years, (which were mainly replies to comments on her FaceBook Page). From her part I had nothing to fear, but like you said, it takes a kink in the chain of our marriage and an appropriate opportunity, which i think was in the making.


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## ElsalGaston (Aug 17, 2012)

Just so you know, men who have no compunction hitting on married women are rarely scared off this way


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Infatuation and emotional affairs don't need kinks in the marriage. All it takes is intimate conversation and an expression of care (care, not love) to spark the sensation. Many married people haven't felt this way in a long time and it is very intoxicating. We both know it isn't "love" but the feeling is a biological trick that is extremely strong. 

Dr. Harley, in his book I referenced above, has said that such intimate conversation is inappropriate to engage in with someone who is sexually attractive (i.e., they have the right chromosomes), because it can lead almost inexorably to infatuation to the detriment of the marriage.

What you see next is people throwing away a loving partner and a good family to pursue their "happiness." Because you see, we only meet our star-crossed soulmates by texting them and seeing them furtively, not by dating them, meeting their family, and going through various hardships that reality sheds on every marriage.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

She told him she was single for the week??? Am I misunderstanding what she meant by that? Can you clarify this please James T.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

jfv said:


> She told him she was single for the week??? Am I misunderstanding what she meant by that? Can you clarify this please James T.


I asked her to clarify as that was the point I was most angry about. I told her she is married at all times. She said she didn't mean it that way, just that she had time to go out because she is usually busy. I didn't buy it and haven't let that go. She said it was a very poor choice of words.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

ElsalGaston said:


> Just so you know, men who have no compunction hitting on married women are rarely scared off this way


I agree, but he lives overseas so I know I won't have any trouble from him. My wife thought he was gay for whatever that's worth. I was more concerned about her and the fact that she wasn't able to draw an appropriate boundary.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Good job. Dont let it go. Even if she meant it innocently, the other guy won't read it that way. Hopefully it didn't come from her subconcious.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I have seen several times that the 'wayward' spouse has read Not Just Friends and seen themselves in it. 

I strongly recommend you get your wife to read this book, while she's at least still willing to have a conversation about it. Or do what I did, sit down in the living room and read aloud from the salient passages so you know she's heard it.

The book is widely available at libraries, or you can get it via interlibrary loan.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

jfv said:


> She told him she was single for the week??? Am I misunderstanding what she meant by that? Can you clarify this please James T.


I was thinking the same thing, just because your spouse is out of town, it doesn't make you single.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I have seen several times that the 'wayward' spouse has read Not Just Friends and seen themselves in it.
> 
> I strongly recommend you get your wife to read this book, while she's at least still willing to have a conversation about it. Or do what I did, sit down in the living room and read aloud from the salient passages so you know she's heard it.
> 
> The book is widely available at libraries, or you can get it via interlibrary loan.


Thanks I'll get the book!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

JamesT said:


> I had to leave with my young son to be home with a sick parent. My wife who works long hours had several weeks to herself. We skyped everynight...at the end of one of our sessiosn she mentioned a colleauge from overseas was in town and they would be going out together. I didn't say much and our conversation ended.
> 
> I thought about it a while and sent her a message saying I didn't feel comfortable about it especially since our relationship wasn't perfect and I wasn't there.. I ended up staying up all night and sending a few more messages detailing why I thought it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


Sounds like maybe your wife mis-portrayed the nature of your relationship to this other guy. I would start with the "single for the week" comment and ask why she did not (1) tell this guy you were away taking care of an urgent family matter and (2) respect your wishes in this matter.

It really sounds like she is most worried about you cutting into her good time. HUGE RED FLAG!!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ElsalGaston said:


> Just so you know, men who have no compunction hitting on married women are rarely scared off this way


I'm wondering if it was not her hitting on him.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

When it comes to members of the opposite sex you let it be known to your wife that there's no such thing as being controlling. She's married to you and should not be heading out alone with other men. This guy should respect your wishes in this matter as should your wife.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

JamesT said:


> At this point I befriended him on facebook and told him it was highly inappropriate for him to ask my wife out especially with me not being present. He said he understood and I never heard from him again.


Are you confident that him and your wife never met anyway even though you never heard from him again.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

TBT said:


> Are you confident that him and your wife never met anyway even though you never heard from him again.


Yeah, mainly because he is from out of the country, and I have gone through her emails and facebooks texts. However, I think if I wouldn't have intervened, it is quite possible that something might have started


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JamesT said:


> I had to leave with my young son to be home with a sick parent. My wife who works long hours had several weeks to herself. We skyped everynight...at the end of one of our sessiosn she mentioned a colleauge from overseas was in town and they would be going out together. I didn't say much and our conversation ended.
> 
> I thought about it a while and sent her a message saying I didn't feel comfortable about it especially since our relationship wasn't perfect and I wasn't there.. I ended up staying up all night and sending a few more messages detailing why I thought it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


She was wanting a romantic week with the guy.

But the key here is that she said she was single for a week. She meant that.

So did she see him and just not tell you? Anyway, what you did may have worked but it was risky. Some guys would be encouraged by this. That they had a chance to score. Some women would have given him that opportunity if their husband did this out of spite.

Your wife should have respected your wishes. But it seems she was either intending to cheat or was just titilated by the idea that it could happen if she was seduced.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JamesT said:


> Yeah, mainly because he is from out of the country, and I have gone through her emails and facebooks texts. However, I think if I wouldn't have intervened, it is quite possible that something might have started


If this is true then you need to be concerned about her new friend.

You guys need to do His Needs Her Needs and especially the boundary setting.

She can work with men and still have boundaries. Let me rephrase. Since she works with men she must have very strong boundaries. She needs to know how to shut men down before they get momentum. Onec men get on the scent or think they are being encouraged they will blast through even obvious stop signs. Best she learns to shut them down early.

But the problem is she has to want to do that and it seems she likes the attention.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

JamesT said:


> I had to leave with my young son to be home with a sick parent. My wife who works long hours had several weeks to herself. We skyped everynight...at the end of one of our sessiosn she mentioned a colleauge from overseas was in town and they would be going out together. I didn't say much and our conversation ended.
> 
> I thought about it a while and sent her a message saying I didn't feel comfortable about it especially since our relationship wasn't perfect and I wasn't there.. I ended up staying up all night and sending a few more messages detailing why I thought it was a bad idea.
> 
> ...


She wasn't single for the week, she was alone. Big difference


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Malaise said:


> She wasn't single for the week, she was alone. Big difference


This is correct.

In PUA terms she was Isolated from her mate. The situation was Instigated by her so that the situation could Escalate.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's my perpective.
In my marriage, my wife cannot go on Dates with other men.
If she calls this controlling, then what you have to do is tell her that she is free to date anyone she wants and you file for divorce.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JamesT said:


> She said it was a very poor choice of words.


Lies!
She said it and she meant it. It had nothing to do with poor choice of words. This is just an excuse. 



JamesT said:


> My wife thought he was gay for whatever that's worth.


Lies!
She knew he wasn't gay. She just wanted to make you put your guard down and give you fake relief. 
Just another stupid excuse. 



JamesT said:


> However, sometimes I don't think she draws a boundary. For example, she has a new job now and a male colleague is suddenly very interested in her (more than all the other co-workers). .


She doesn't draw clear boundaries because she likes attention from other men. I wouldn't be surprised if she purposely asks for/ encourages attention.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If this is true then you need to be concerned about her new friend.
> 
> You guys need to do His Needs Her Needs and especially the boundary setting.
> 
> ...


I think you hit the nail right on the head. I confronted her on her talking to her workmate qutie a bit, a hell of a lot more than any other colleague, even when there are more co-workers with more in common. I told her she should have better boundaries.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

JamesT said:


> I think you hit the nail right on the head. I confronted her on her talking to her workmate qutie a bit, a hell of a lot more than any other colleague, even when there are more co-workers with more in common. I told her she should have better boundaries.


JamesT, I just want to be perfectly clear: my husband's long term emotional affair started out exactly this way, with constant texting. You will have to stay on top of this for some time to come until you get a handle on why this is going on.

If you read threads on the Coping with Infidelity forum, what you'll see is that a spouse who does this with multiple people craves validation. They seek it out from more than one person because one person just can't keep delivering that level of affirmation, 24/7. 

His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley could sometimes pull someone back into the marriage who is drifting off and feels that their _legitimate_ needs aren't being met. But some people, and serial betrayors fit that mold--they have a hard time telling the difference between "needs" and wants. They are damaged in some way, something happened to them in childhood or in a prior relationship, and they have a hole in their heart that needs constant filling.

That is an issue that requires excellent therapy. And even then, some of these people do not recover enough to be able to continue in a healthy marriage. I sincerely hope that isn't what's happening here, but just so you are aware.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You both are really lucky to get a handle on work EA's right now. 

She's upset & feels like you are controlling. If you stay calm & present facts about work affairs she will soon understand.

I'm guessing she is attractive, intelligent & fun.

When I was younger & worked in corporate & very happily married with babies, I got hit on all of the time from single & MARRIED men. So did my single & married co-worker friends who were "cute."

Make no mistake, I LOVED the attention.

I ignored most of it but did develop (what I didn't have a name for then) an EA with a married man, not "planned" as most EA's are not premeditated.

It never went PA but it could have...IDK.

Over time he lost interest & moved on to the "new girl" & I felt foolish for thinking he "cared" about me.

Husband never found out & I learned a valuable lesson. Two families could have been in ruins over my not-so-innocent mistake.

Again, you did good & I hope your W will soon understand.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I ignored most of it but did develop (what I didn't have a name for then) an EA with a married man, not "planned" as most EA's are not premeditated.
> 
> Husband never found out & I learned a valuable lesson. Two families could have been in ruins over my not-so-innocent mistake.


Perhaps you could weigh in on another thread here, 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/53812-feelings-someone-else-what-do.html


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, are you still out of town? Is he still IN town? Did they cancel the date or did she still go out with him? How do you know nothing happened while you were gone?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

You nip this in the bud now or wish you had later. The longer is goes on the thicker the fog becomes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Emerald said:


> You both are really lucky to get a handle on work EA's right now.
> 
> She's upset & feels like you are controlling. If you stay calm & present facts about work affairs she will soon understand.
> 
> ...


I think this happens a lot in work enviornments. They are never discovered.


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## JamesT (Aug 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Wait, are you still out of town? Is he still IN town? Did they cancel the date or did she still go out with him? How do you know nothing happened while you were gone?


Was actually a few months ago. He was in town for a week for a conference, so he left long ago. I'm fairly sure she didn't go out with him because I checked her phone records and face book messages. After I facebook messaged the guy, i read her msg to him telling him that she couldn't make it because she was sick.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

The problem a lot of women have in these situations is that even if they don't intend to do anything they end up leading the other guy on. Instead of saying it wouldn't be right because I'm married they make sick excuses or other excuses instead. This tells the guy to keep on trying since she's too nice to just stop it in its tracks.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't think you did anything wrong. I dumped a 20+ year friendship with an old boyfriend out of respect for my husband. Your wife was treading in very dangerous territory in my opinion. I would always respect my husband's wishes in this regard because he comes first and he is my number one priority.


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