# Help or just listen



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I need to go off a bit. If there is a magic bullet to solve this, let me know. Married 30 years. Separated years 20-22. I have come to the conclusion that my husband is not sexually attracted to me. This is based on what has happened and comments from other posts on this site. I am 55 and in good shape. I am not a girly girl, but I dress nice and, given my lack of winning in the gene pool, I look pretty good.

My husband has always liked skinny blondes. He had his affair with one. I saw him oogling one who was a nurse in the hospital when I delivered our first child. It's a long standing thing. I am not a skinny blonde. My husband got into porn before we separated and thats what he would look at - skinny blondes.

My husband has not asked for sex in 15 years more than a few times. If I initiate, he rarely says no. The only time sex was really hot was when he was wooing another woman before he bedded her (I found this out later). Sex is very boring. He never does what I want, no matter how many times or in how many ways I have asked. I got him silky boxers. He put them in the drawer and has never worn them. I ask him to, he says they are not his thing. He bought his mistress Victoria's Secret - never did this for me since we reconciled. He has done oral on me 2 times in 10 years, and both times I can trace it to him being hot and bothered by another woman. 

We started ballroom dance lessons. In the lessons you start with your partner but you rotate partners as you practice a move. The mornings after dance class he has asked for sex. No other times does he ask for sex. I am starting to hate dance class.

Sex is like this: we decide to have sex. He takes off his clothes, get it be and starts stimulating himself (this does not bother me since he has a hard time achieving erections since his surgery). I get undressed. He wants me to manually stimulate him. He does not want me to do oral. He wants his nipples stimulated. He gets aroused and grabs my pu$$y and rubs clumsily for a few seconds and then he wants to penetrate. Of course, I never orgasm. A few years ago I took to masturbated after he was finished because I was so frustrated at his lack of interest in my pleasure. He is fine with this and will lay with me, but never helps. 

He was given a daily ED medication after his surgery (4 years ago) but he did not continue with it after he was fully recovered. I have mentioned to him that maybe he should talk to the doctor about it, but he says, "I do ok". He CAN get an erection with manual stimulation. He can not maintain it for long so he goes for the gusto as soon as he is ready.


I have asked. I have hinted. I have shown. I have taken his hand. I have talked dirty (he never reciprocates and often says it makes him uncomfortable). I have said suggestive things to him during the day trying to grease the wheels. NO GO on any of it. Him not going for suggestive talk is particularly hurtful because I know he did this with his secretary when we were having problems.

I have caught him masturbating with me next to him several times. He says he is keyed up and needs to watch porn and masturbate to get to sleep. Sheesh!

He does tell me I look nice and will say to one of our children "doesn't mom look nice". I can walk around naked - he never looks or comments. Sometimes he will tell me I am looking skinny or good. (I have lost about 10 lbs and I work out)(I was never obese)

I am depressing myself. Any advice?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Why do you stay?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> Why do you stay?


I guess because there is more than just sex, isn't there? I am 55 and don't have the drive I had before. Masturbation has gotten me through the years. There are days, like today, when I am not only fed up by it, I am insulted by it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sounds like you can have a satisfying sex life, find inner peace and happiness, stay married to your husband, but you can only pick two.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

NickyT said:


> I guess because there is more than just sex, isn't there? I am 55 and don't have the drive I had before. Masturbation has gotten me through the years. There are days, like today, when I am not only fed up by it, I am insulted by it.


Yes there is way more to life than sex but your life is not just about a lack of sex, that is the symptom not the problem.

He cheated, he is a lazy lover, he is rejecting you, he is insulting you and worst of all he is wasting your life (of which you are complicit in).

55 should be a fantastic time in your life. The odds of this improving are zero to none. Do you want to be posting the same thing in 5 years time? 

Do you want better in life? If so, what is holding you back?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think he watches too much porn, doesn't get turned on by you because he gets constant overstimulation from the porn or fantasizing about other women. 
AND, he just isn't all that into you as a result. HE IS LAZY. That's your main problem. Not a way to fix lazy. Sorry.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

CharlieParker said:


> Sounds like you can have a satisfying sex life, find inner peace and happiness, stay married to your husband, but you can only pick two.


What I see is you only get to pick one.

You depressed me too!

I will never understand men.

I feel sorry for you. You sound like a lot of fun to me. I wish I could offer something useful.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

Find a friend with benifits!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is what can happen in a marriage were the man watches a lot of porn. He no longer wants his wife or the sex they have. He spends many hours looking at other women who are probably much younger and thinner than her and then he looses interest in his wife, its so sad.
If you are intending to stay then the porn must go. I have no idea why you put up with it.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.
> 
> Find a friend with benifits!


Wouldn't that just add fuel to the fire?


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I know I sound like a broken record to long term members here, lol...but I am the same age as you, and I was thrilled to discover (after my wife left me- I'm a lesbian) that there was somebody out there who had the same, exact drive as me, who thought I was hot ( like you, I'm in shape, mostly mistaken for twenty years younger than my actual age), and who treats me like I am some sort of goddess. 

Your husband doesn't respect you. It doesn't sound as if he ever has.

I don't think you can change this situation. But you can leave this situation.

As Emerson said, "When the half-gods go, the gods arrive."

p.s.
It's crucial also to find a partner equally kinky, in my humble opinion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Machjo said:


> Wouldn't that just add fuel to the fire?


yes.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Machjo said:


> Wouldn't that just add fuel to the fire?


Sometime a big fire under somone ass is whats needed.

I don't usually recommend revenge affairs. But in this case an exit affair might be what the dr ordered.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> Sometime a big fire under somone ass is whats needed.
> 
> I don't usually recommend revenge affairs. But in this case an exit affair might be what the dr ordered.


It's more complicated than that. Sex ties closely with one's emotional circuitry. There are also psycho-chemical components to sex. To engage in affairs when one may be down and depressed, etc. can result in that person linking anonymous sex with strangers with escape from the stress. It can also contribute to a de-linking of sex from emotion to a degree, which can become extremely habit-forming if one isn't careful.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Machjo said:


> It's more complicated than that. Sex ties closely with one's emotional circuitry. There are also psycho-chemical components to sex. To engage in affairs when one may be down and depressed, etc. can result in that person linking anonymous sex with strangers with escape from the stress. It can also contribute to a de-linking of sex from emotion to a degree, which can become extremely habit-forming if one isn't careful.


Lol,

Ok buckwheat.

And it might not do any of that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You’re a mismatch (no fault of your own). He’s turned on by skinny blondes. You’re not a skinny blonde. You will never be what he wants because he’s not capable of appreciating you just the way you are. His loss.

He doesn’t appreciate you.
He’s a cheater.
He’s a lazy lover.
He’s selfish.
You have a crappy sex life (he jerks off to porn instead of cultivating a vibrant sex life with you)

Do you really want to be with someone like this for the rest of your life? What would you advise a friend in this situation to do?

This seems like a no-brainer to me.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NickyT,

Whoever your H was cheating with need to be exposed big time.

Gather up all the information you have and call, email etc the husbands boyfriends etc of the women your H cheated with.

Your daughter need to be told too, your H treats you disgracefully and does not get to keep his reputation. You are under no obligation to lie for your H and cover up his crimes.

Tamat


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

MrsHolland said:


> NickyT said:
> 
> 
> > I guess because there is more than just sex, isn't there? I am 55 and don't have the drive I had before. Masturbation has gotten me through the years. There are days, like today, when I am not only fed up by it, I am insulted by it.
> ...


I’m just quoting this because it’s spot on and deserves another read. 

OP, you deserve better. I don’t think couples should immediately divorce due to sexual problems that arise (or don’t rise...) but it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise or work to fix things.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> NickyT,
> 
> Whoever your H was cheating with need to be exposed big time.
> 
> ...


The affair was 10 years ago and I know who the woman was. There was only one woman that I know of. My children know what happened. I am not covering his crimes. I am not sure what this has to do with the present circumstances.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NickyT,

Did you at least inform the husband of the woman he cheated with? 

Stand up for yourself and do the right thing the OWH has the right to be informed.

You are not a doormat for your H to wipe his feet on. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

The affair has never really ended because your H never felt he did anything wrong or had any sense of your suffering.

Tamat


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> NickyT,
> 
> Did you at least inform the husband of the woman he cheated with?
> 
> ...


She was not married. I confronted her directly. It was 10 years ago. We separated for 2 years. We went to counseling. He was completely remorseful. Why am I on trial here?????


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

NickyT,

There a many men that would love & appreciate a woman that is comfortable with sex.

I think it comes down to you showed your husband what your willing to accept. The thing I learned on TAM is you have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it.

I told my wife in MC that we were either going to start having more sex or we were going to get a divorce.

Even if you were divorced and by yourself, I think you would enjoy life more. Cuz right now, your H is making you feel like crap on regular basis. 

Are there men in the porn your husband is watching, maybe you should make a comment or two about how well hung the guy is, and how nice his abs are defined.

O, and by the way, you wish his b---- would slap your behind the way young Mr. Studly's does the blonde girl.

In a way, your experiencing what a man feels like when his wife "has an upset stomach" and doesn't want sex, yet half a hour later is downing a pint of ice cream and some cold pizza.

It shows your not important to them.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

NickyT said:


> There are days, like today, when I am not only fed up by it, I am insulted by it.


What I don't understand is why you are not insulted everyday by it. Hell I'm insulted for you. 

He's a total head to toe jackass. And I'm being awfully nice lest I be banned. Lol.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

NickyT said:


> I guess because there is more than just sex, isn't there? I am 55 and don't have the drive I had before. Masturbation has gotten me through the years. There are days, like today, when I am not only fed up by it, I am insulted by it.




You SHOULD feel insulted!!!


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

NickyT said:


> The affair was 10 years ago and I know who the woman was. There was only one woman that I know of. My children know what happened. I am not covering his crimes. I am not sure what this has to do with the present circumstances.



You said: I'm not sure what this has to do with the present"

I say: Everything!


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## bajaherbie (May 20, 2017)

Maybe buy a blonde wig?

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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Yea, it sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives. The negatives are huge: cheater, chooses porn over you, not nurturing his desire for you by staying away from the skinny blonds in his mind or in reality, selfish and lazy lover that makes you feel bad, only wants sex after he has been around other skinny blonds/more attractive women.

Why did he lie to you and marry you in the first place? 

I think you would be happier without him, since the negatives are so significant to your lack of emotional well being.

What are the positives?


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