# Totally and completely crushed



## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

I have been involved with my husband for 17 years married for 15. This time last year once he began a Facebook account, quickly started locating old friends as well as old girlfriends. There is an old first love that got found.. they wished each other "happy birthday" when they came..Dec & Jan. They started texting like crazy..when I asked who he was texting, he would make up somebody that would be ok with me. Then he started sitting up after I'd go to bed. Then March of 2012 out of the blue.. he says.. "I'm going to my brothers for a few days to get my head straight", totally blew me away..didn't see it coming. Then after a few days I started putting some thoughts and memories together. The cell phone bill came and almost 1800 texts in a month, really? then after doing some investigations on my own, traced them to a girl who broke his heart badly about 20 years ago.. Come to find out he had been visiting with her, taking his ring off and lying to her about his marital status. I confronted her on FB, she said she would back off, she didn't know..she didn't. I asked him about her, he said, "its not like that".. I asked to see his text messages he said I couldn't he deleted them all.. once he fell asleep, I went to his truck, got his phone, took it in the bathroom, plugged it up, and read his text messages, I FELT MY HEART IN MY STOMACH. My husband does not know how to talk about his feelings.. but I lost it when I confronted him. The next day he was wanting to come back home.. come to find out , he had a P O box, a separate bank account..:scratchhead:just totally unaware he had made all these changes, my husband is an Iraqi combat veteran, dealing with PTSD..but he is usually a very grounded moral person, we adopted a child 6 years ago as I could never have kids, and no one in his family has been through a separation/divorce except his sister. His sister has been married 3 times has 4 boys, but when my husband came home promising to work on things, he became a shell of my husband, either on FB or watching Fox News.. very inattentive, but would private text his sister, a lot. Come to find out, his sister became friends with this girl he cheated with..and he wouldn't do anything I asked to help me heal from his indescretions, when I would ask him something, he called me nosey, he got fed up with my insecurity...and decided to leave again Jan 31 2013.. and he's staying with his sister, who is friends with the adultress.. I love my husband.. and have fought and fought to get him back for not only me but our son.. I need help, thanks


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

So sorry this has happened to you, *Julie*.

It looks like he is deep into an affair, compounded by PTSD, without any intentions of addressing his infidelity. 

I take it he is no longer active duty so you can't go to his CO. Generally people here advise laying down the ultimatum. He either stops cold, grants 100% transparency, no contact, or else you file. You implement the 180, see referenced in my singature. 

You have to be able to lose the marriage to save it. It is all on the line here.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

I will look at it.. I'm so emotional.. I'm hurt 1 minute, and mad as he$$ the next.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often are you in contact with your husband?

What is his relationship with your child at this time?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Go online and get a credit report. My husband had a secret bank account. I found out he had filtered thousands a month from his pay into the secret account. The credit report showed over the last 7 years, he also had 10 personal loans I never knew about, and a line of credit with a major computer company. It was like a punch in the gut. We had been living with such a strict budget for so many years, because he made me think what was in our joint account was all of his pay.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He is not moral, as you wish and imagine to be.

He has a separate another life. Why should you put up with this cheat?


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

We have been best friends..so it's not like having a lover that does you wrong.. my best friend that I enjoyed doing most everything with, is no more. I hate that he's not here, I love him with all my heart, and I want to help him.. we do promise for better or worse, and I'm still at the point I want to help him if he asks, but there is that little voice that still asks.. wth are you doing.. Im just so confused. He's willing to transfer his GI bill over to me so I can go to school. I haven't been in school for 30 years. This bill if eligible will pay for most of tuition, books and provide a housing allowance. I just went and got my GED after all these years, and it appears I will have to go to school and get a good job so I can take care of my child.I will go through DSS for Legal aide.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

WE see him about every few days or so, my son loves him of course..we did text lastnight as today is his payday, and what he needed me to pay as far as household bills ..he told me, I said ok. and that was that.. I didn't chime in anything else, no whinning, groveling.. and I left the chat first, he acted like he wanted to talk, I cut it off.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> He is not moral, as you wish and imagine to be.
> 
> He has a separate another life. Why should you put up with this cheat?


He has been for at least the past 16 years, the moral high road kind of guy..so all of this is a sudden feverish act.. once he realizes what he's done.. he will be very sorry.. right now, he shuts down, doesn't want to talk, and claims he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told his family yet that he's cheating on you?


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Go online and get a credit report. My husband had a secret bank account. I found out he had filtered thousands a month from his pay into the secret account. The credit report showed over the last 7 years, he also had 10 personal loans I never knew about, and a line of credit with a major computer company. It was like a punch in the gut. We had been living with such a strict budget for so many years, because he made me think what was in our joint account was all of his pay.


I see his pay stubs, and we've ad to live paycheck to paycheck as long as we've been together, We even discussed when he chose to have $100 every 2 weeks from his direct deposit, deposited into his other account..He claimed that one of the biggest reasons that helped cause the breakdown before was that he never had any $ to himself to do anything he enjoyed out of life, he has hobbies, ect. He felt like he was drowning and I can understand that., to a degree.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> Have you told his family yet that he's cheating on you?


They know. They tell me they are very upset about it, as his father is a retired Pastor, but if you ask him what his parents think, he says " Ive got to do, what Ive got to do" and I know he doesn't tell me everything. One thing I have noticed is they have been asking him for his help a lot more when he's off work, maybe to help keep him out of trouble I don't know, but they are the type of people that doesn't want to hear about any of their kids involved in seeing a shrink..they will never admit there's a need. which is sad, I tried to tell him, everyone needs a little help sometimes, it's ok


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would widen the exposure then. Other siblings, friends, pastor.

And find the OW's husband/family and expose to them.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

JulieBrooke said:


> They know. They tell me they are very upset about it, as his father is a retired Pastor, but if you ask him what his parents think, he says " Ive got to do, what Ive got to do" and I know he doesn't tell me everything. One thing I have noticed is they have been asking him for his help a lot more when he's off work, maybe to help keep him out of trouble I don't know, but they are the type of people that doesn't want to hear about any of their kids involved in seeing a shrink..they will never admit there's a need. which is sad, I tried to tell him, everyone needs a little help sometimes, it's ok


Another Facebook story!!! I hate FB more now than I did when I was going through this. I am so sorry for your pain.

From what I have read, the emergence of an old flame (called rekindling) is the most dangerous threat to a marriage. I would listen to these posters here- the only way to save a marriage is to be willing to lose it. The old flame usually represents a happier time in their life, and of course reminds them of their youth. A powerful combination. I hear the 180 is very effective in getting them out of the fog and seeing what they risk loosing. In any event, RUN and get your education! Even if you work things out, it is important for you to be able to support yourself and child.
Plus, being in school will keep your mind active and open you up to new experiences. Good luck to you, and again I'm sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

JulieBrooke said:


> WE see him about every few days or so, my son loves him of course..we did text lastnight as today is his payday, and what he needed me to pay as far as household bills ..he told me, I said ok. and that was that.. I didn't chime in anything else, no whinning, groveling.. and I left the chat first, he acted like he wanted to talk, I cut it off.


You are doing a great job then... You are being strong and smart by cutting him of first. 
Be proud of yourself - most if us did the crying, screaming, groveling routine first. It doesn't work.
Old flames may burn hot initially, but they die out. It's mostly based on fantasy and false memories . 
Stay strong, Dear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

How dare he set up a separate bank account and take household money to live a secret life! Now is the time to move in. To forgive or attempt to forgive for infidelity is a choice, but his deceptive financial stealing and lack of remorse makes it evident where you stand. I am suggesting you consider the following: People treat us the way we allow them to. Do NOT allow this any longer!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

JulieBrooke said:


> He has been for at least the past 16 years, the moral high road kind of guy..so all of this is a sudden feverish act.. once he realizes what he's done.. he will be very sorry.. right now, he shuts down, doesn't want to talk, and claims he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.


Hi,
Is he on medications? I was reading just yesterday how some antidepressants can change you. I am suspicious this happens to my spouse he quit them in 5 months and kept on telling me he did not feel like himself. He was a jerk those months and was very dismissive of my feelings. Google marriages broken by antidepressants. I'm just starting to research it, not sure if it is true or just an excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

I did all that screaming, crying, and groveling before..Im not 100% of the affair continuing..but I never got to recover my trust when it happened before.. and its always easier to blame it on something other than yourself.. He has said repeatedly it isn't anything Ive done, it's all him..but because of my lack of trust and his lack of help, to help me heal, when he came back both of our lives were a living HE!! So when I couldn't get past what he did.. it was easier to just leave again.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

He is NOT on medication, I don't think he would ever even try anything.. een though he probably needs something.. he did actually admit to the VA Physchiatrist, that hes having troubles with his relationships which shocked me..He's the type that would never be likely to admit an inadequacy.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> How dare he set up a separate bank account and take household money to live a secret life! Now is the time to move in. To forgive or attempt to forgive for infidelity is a choice, but his deceptive financial stealing and lack of remorse makes it evident where you stand. I am suggesting you consider the following: People treat us the way we allow them to. Do NOT allow this any longer!


After I found out about this, yes, I was furious. After he decided to come back and try again, one of his chief complaints, was he didn't even have $40 in 2 weeks to rub together, and never had any $ to do anything he wanted to do, he does have hobbies.. Once he came back, we talked about it, and me trying to help him out agreed to let him save some extra $ so he could do some things he enjoyed. Just trying to work together, I really wanted him to feel better, and for him not to try and keep it from me. He has bought me horses and has supported me and my horses, so really fair is fair, since we live paycheck to paycheck..its the only way to secure a little for him


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Read and try to follow the 180 (in Wiserforit and Elegirl's signatures on the previous page here). It's hard, but it will help you tremendously if you can do it.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

really lost it tonight, Night before Easter, Saturday night after payday, and our son was expecting him when he got off work today to come see him. But...conveniently daddy ate something today that made his tummy hurt, so he will bring all his Easter bunny stuff over in the morning before he gets up????? WTF?? Daddy must have figured out I can trace him on FB messenger chat..he won't respond on FB messenger chat but he will on regular text message. So he's probably LYING AGAIN,..so I blessed him out on both messengers..but when I get mad, I have a big mouth, it's so hard to do the 180 when I'm so furious.
That's my downfall. In all honesty I wanted to wreck his good time..Is it still considered adultery if hes out of the house without a separation agreement??? I live in NC.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

And one more thing..to secure my thoughts that hes having a physical affair..what would you think if, you laid down with your spouse, you wanting to feel close, and HE wanted to do was rub your back, and tell you its never been about sex, and you reach down and find your mouth wide opened to find hes shaven himself down there, when he never did before..?? Once I asked about it, his response was he did it for himself, that he felt better.. pppleaaase...


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

I also told a few of his friends today.. He hasn't told any of his friends, and still likes to appear as a family at our sons cub scout events, ect..the only thing I could figure on that was: he's either ashamed, or not sure if he wanted to end things.. or just to make himself feel better for what hes doing


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

180.

He has to understand what he stands to lose. 

Stop engaging him emotionally.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Julie

Sorry but with respect and not wanting to be rude you need to get a grip of this immediately - today and 'man 'woman' up fast

This guy is destroying you - slowly eating his cake

Here is a fact about the situation you find yourself in today 

If you show him any respect (you know, the kind that he is not showing you at all!) or any kind of neutrality. If you try to be understanding about HIM and his 'terrible' situation he will simply cut your head off and think nothing of it

I know you love him but wise up fast use this site to understand how to deal with a completely selfish cake eating bastard for that, although you cant quite believe it, is exactly what you husband is or has become 

Cut him out completely - totally. Expose him totally to all and sundry 

This is the only way to find out if he wants you enough to show 100% complete remorse. Do this now and find out quick.

Anything less and slam the door - tight !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I may be wrong, but I believe another person from NC found that he can divorce using infidelity as an excuse. Meaning your H can be in a world of trouble legally for cheating on you. IIWY, I'd let him know that you WILL be filing, blaming his cheating for it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Why not just divorce him? I'm one of those weird people and always ponder those crazy things divorce, death, tragedy, calamity, etc. I truly think if I found out my wife was cheating I would just leave nary a scream or a yell just a see ya later!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

JulieBrooke said:


> And one more thing..to secure my thoughts that hes having a physical affair..what would you think if, you laid down with your spouse, you wanting to feel close, and HE wanted to do was rub your back, and tell you its never been about sex, and you reach down and find your mouth wide opened to find hes shaven himself down there, when he never did before..?? Once I asked about it, his response was he did it for himself, that he felt better.. pppleaaase...


It is not considered adultery just because he is out of the house and living elsewhere. It MIGHT be considered abandonment, but since he is still contributing to paying the household bills, I don't think that will apply either.

NC is one of the few at-fault states left where proven adultery carries weight during the divorce. Has he admitted to having sex with this other woman?

Please get a lawyer to find out where you stand. You mentioned earlier about him transferring his VA benefits to you so you could return to school. You need to talk to a lawyer about this or the Veterans Administration. I am not sure if he can do this or would be allowed to transfer benefits.

Crap - I quoted the wrong post. Sorry.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Don't waste your time with this person. I too am an Iraq vet and I just filed for divorced from another vet, my stbxh will make this story sound like a bedtime story.


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## JulieBrooke (Mar 29, 2013)

I just found out I can not qualify for the gi bill because of something he didn't do which was agree to 4 more years in any armed service. I know adultery is hard to prove, but I know how Ive lived for so long, and I know my husband, and theres diffinitely an outside force driving him, because normally he is the type to think about something a long time before making a choice.. andI know to the depths of my heart and head.. he's NOT this type of person..I did call his best buddy yesterday, he's older and more like a 2nd father to him, and told him everything, every detail.. he was so shocked he needed a few days to process his behavior because it's so out of sorts. and finding out he hasn't even told his best bud that he left.. or what hes up to. They will be together next weekend, it shall be interesting. Im just angry, angry at what hes done, what he seems is ok to destoy, and how my lifes been turned completely upside down, I feel like my guts have been pulled and cut off.. I have nothing inside of me. Im cancelling an appointment tomorrow to keep my schedule free to see what I can legally do. Does anyone have any info if Social Services can help provide legal aide foe this sort of thing? I have NO job, totally dependant on him now. What choices do I actually have as far as legal??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, you have to do what is legally responsible.


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