# Seperated and losing my mind



## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

here is my situation
I have been married for a little over 3 years and my wife and I have been together for 6. We have a 2 year old daughter. A couple weeks ago my wife just completely pulled a 180 and told me that she doesn't know if she wants to be married to me anymore. I can tell that she is very angry. I know we have had our problems, disagreements about the division of labor etc but I never knew it was headed to this. I love my wife dearly and I want to make this work. I have been out of the house for a couple weeks now and she is there with my daughter. Things are civil now but she is just behind a wall of anger. I just don't really know what to do. I love my wife to death and it seems that anything I do seems to push her farther away. She has agreed to go see a counselor together but she says it's just for her anger and that she doesn't want to work on the marriage. I am trying to hold on to the hope that when she gets past the anger she will see that we can have a happy life together but it is driving me insane. I am such an emotional wreck right now. I was just hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on this because my brain is all over the place and I can't think clearly. My instincts tell me to call her and tell her how much I still love her, but it always backfires in my face. I also suspect that there might be someone else. She lied to me about a few things and I know they are lies. She maintains that there is definitely no one else, but I can't shake the feeling. Anyways, that is enough out of me, I just needed to vent and hopefully someone can offer some advice.

Thanks

B


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Don't call her!!! Other than to check on the well being of your child you should not have any communication with her. The more that you tell her you love her and miss her the more she is going to pull away from you because she does not care about that right now. All she cares about are her hurt feelings and the things that she has made worse in her head. Give her a few weeks, she will wonder why you are not calling. And as far as someone else I have found that your Gut is always right 99% of the time. Sorry to have to say that.

I have been going through all of this for 7 months and I did it all wrong at the beginning and now we are headed for divorce. You need to get online and to the library and get as many books on saving your marriage as you can. They do help. I was just a little late on doing them. Personally I think it is a shame the way that people are so quick to jump into divorce these days when things could easily work out.. and then they find out that the grass is not greener on the other side!

Good luck with all of this and we are here if you need to vent!


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you for that advice. I know I need to stop calling. It is tough because we talk about things with our daughter all the time. I need to not call anymore though, you are right. I know it's not helping.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH,

I agree with karajh that you need to pull back on the "I love yous". Also remember that although it might seem to be quick, this has probably been brewing in her mind for a while.

Right now you are in an emotionally heightened state. I understand, I was there once as well and still am on occassion. If you don't exercise start doing something to express your anger at the situation.

Counseling is a start and don't worry about what your wife said to you about going for her anger. As you said she is angry and needs to vent. Since she agreed to go, that is a positive thing.

And find books on the subject and read them. Also, try to put yourself in her shoes from her thoughts.

It is a tough time - no way to avoid that - but you need to stay busy as you can. Idle time leads to idle thoughts -- I've been there and it sucks.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you both for the advice.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Now my next question. What are the issues that she sees and that you see in the marriage? And remember no one is at fault, it takes two to tango. 

Suggested reading material:

His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
The SEven Principles for Making Marriage Work b JOhn Gottman
Love Must be Tough by James Dobson
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I know that I have neglected the marriage for a while. I let her do all the chores and she did most of the work with our daughter. I was resentful at her because we had a minimal sex life. After the baby was born she had no drive and it made me feel unwanted and that resentment made me not want to help her with things. I know that we had a big breakdown in communication. Neither of us really explained how we felt to the other. We rarely argued but I think things just built up. I can now see where my resentment got in the way and I hope to be able to work on it. She is just still too angry. She bottled her true feelings for a long time. Hopefully with counseling we can try to build a new life together because like her, I don't want it the way it was, but I still love her as much as when we got married and I want to live my life with her.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes that will do it. A lot of the same issues with my w and myself. I felt the same way after my son was born, so you aren't alone, although I did chores around the house.

Communication is key. We are rebuilding our communication. A suggestion, when you talk with your w on the phone, texts, e-mail etc. make sure you are positive and caring. Make sure you don't make any assumptions about what she is saying to you. My w and I were doing a lot of that and 90% of the time the one making the assumption was wrong. Also, when you see her physically make sure to not only be civil, but positive and happy (I know that is very difficult right now but try as much as possible).


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks, that is what I have been trying to do, it's just been hard because I have just been an emotional wreck. I haven't been eating very well either because of all the stress. not to mention smoking like 2 packs a day now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Encourage her to talk about her anger with a counselor and when she's ready to present it to you, to invite you in. Accept that you haven't been there for her or your child and let her know that you think she has every right to be angry. Validate her feelings from here to Sunday (and back again). 

A lack of sex never gives someone the right not to help out. I can really understand why she is angry. She probably has a lot of choice words for you and maybe it would make sense if you allowed her to share each and every one of them with you in short sessions. If she's right, don't defend yourself. Don't even try. 

Allow her anger. 

I sure hope there's no one else in the picture because if there is, I see little hope. 

Further, I disagree with not being loving, attentive, helpful at this point. If you've learned your lesson, you'd better start showing it consistently for a long, long time to prove to her that this isn't just some ruse to get her to let you back in the door.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

At this point I am pretty sure there is someone else. I have seen some emails form another guy, love poems etc and caught her in a few lies. She denies it til the cows come home, but now I am torn with the question. Do I tell her I saw the emails? She is willing to go to counseling and I don't want to jeopardize that, but this not knowing and the lies are killing me. I just don't know what to do. I want to trust my wife, I really do, but I am having a hard time right now. She also password protected her computer and locks it anytime I am coming over now. She has never had a password for the 6 years I have known her. I find that suspect, like she is hiding something. I really don't know what to do right now, this is driving me nuts.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH,

Although difficult, don't jump to any conclusions. I know a lot of people on the board will say it is something. It may be, I don't know. All that proves is that the guy is interested. Now it could be an emotional affair, but the only way to determine a physical affair is if you catch her in the act or she tells you.

Since she is willing to go to counseling I would not tell her you saw the e-mails -- yet. See how counseling goes. Will you be going together and seperate to the same counselor? My w and I are doing that. If so, you can tell the counselor in a private session about this topic. If you would say something about it -- don't be demanding it stop or anything like that, just let her know this bothers you. If you know the guy, there is no reason that you can't ask him about the situation. Not confrontational, just ask him.


To Dobo, I was not saying don't be loving and attentive -- I was saying don't talk about love and don't say I love you all the time. Will make DH look weak. Only that he needs to stay positive and happy around her as much as possible, but no doting at this point.

DH, I know what you are going through. This is similar to myself and w. And yes there was a guy from work she was getting close to as a friend, and yes I saw an e-mail from him professing his love etc. I jumped to conclusions -- never saw that she said anything in return etc and that made me look weak to my w. 

Anyway, my thoughts. Just to assume anything. I know it is hard, I feel your pain. Don't give up either if you love her. It doesn't make you look weak to others to give yourself totally to someone.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

bhmahler said:


> At this point I am pretty sure there is someone else. I have seen some emails form another guy, love poems etc and caught her in a few lies. She denies it til the cows come home, but now I am torn with the question. Do I tell her I saw the emails?


Grow your balls back! You have every right to tell her you saw the emails. Stop being wimpy. Take control. Lead. Detach yourself from the outcome. 

Don't you have a right to know what's going on????


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So my wife had a good day yesterday (her words) and I was at the house watching my daughter. When she came home she seemed different. She was smiling at me and acting nice. In the past couple weeks when we would see each other at the house, she wouldn't even sit on the couch if I was there and she sat right next to me last night. The thing about all this is that although it should make me feel better that she is doing this stuff, it actually made me feel worse. I am a ball of anxiety today. My mind races to so many places and I can't seem to make it stop. Seeing her that way just reminded me of how much I love her and the fact that this may all be over. When she is angry and being hurtful, I find it easy to get angry myself and it gives me temporary relief from the feelings of hurt and sadness. This happiness from her is horrible. Just sitting there hoping she will say, I've been thinking and our marriage is worth trying to save. It doesn't come and it hurts more than her being mean. I am just going out of my mind today. 

I also started reading a book called Divorce Busting. As I read it I am amazed because it completely describes our situation to the letter. It has some really good advice. All I can think is how much I would love her to read it. Maybe it would help her understand her feelings more and give us a chance to be happy. I don't know if me offering it to her would be taken well or if she would read it at all, but I really want to try. 

I guess I am just at a point where I don't know what to do. I am desperate to save my marriage. I love my wife more than words can describe and I am devastated that it is not being returned. I really hope that she is able to see that we have something special and that divorce is not the solution. 

I guess I just needed to vent that, and any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Aw man your situation sounds all too similar to mine.

I was you almost 2 months ago.

I wouldnt listen to my gut that yes there was someone else. I didnt think her capable of that.

Till I caught her with another man in our house.

Im not saying for sure that is whats happened here, but keep your eyes open. Sometimes we just try to ignore the signs that we dont really want to see.

The one good thing is she has agreed to some kind of councelling. Perhaps she isnt completely through with this. Only time will tell.

These guys are right, you cant push her on anything right now or it will blow up in your face. The more you pressure her the farther adrift from you she will become.

All you can do is work on yourself. Try to focus on things you like to do as well (even though you may not feel like doing them). You can show her what you are working on to improve yourself, but dont expect anything from her in response. It will take her some time to sort out how she wants to proceed.

Im not going to lie to you, its going to break you down, but you have to do it if there is to be any chance of reconcilitation. Make sure you get some support for yourself as well. You need someone to confide in right now. Turn to your family and friends for support.

I hope things work out for you. you gotta be strong if you are going to see this through. Sometimes just being happy on your own is enough to sway the other party back, but not always.

Good luck. I feel for ya man.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I am really trying to work on myself, but it is so hard. I am just an emotional wreck. I can't believe that she feels this way. I have these crazy urges to call her and profess my love for her. I know this will do nothing but upset her and I resist the urges but it's killing me. My work is suffering, I can't focus. All I can think about is her and how much I miss her. I am constantly devastated at the thought of losing her. I know this place we are in is a common thing in many marriages and I am just so fearful that will will fall prey to the statistics. I hope she is able to see that our life is worth saving, but I have my doubts. I am trying to apply the principles I am learning in that book, but it is really hard. 

Thank you all for your advice. I really need it and appreciate it. I am going to try my best at this and I will continue posting as things come up.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

DH,

It is hard to resist the urge, but you must. If you don't exercise start doing something very physical to relieve your stress. Don't just sit around - idle time makes you crazy.

And don't rehash her words in your mind. If she is angry as you say, she is very emotional as well and will say hurtful things. My counselor has been right about that with my w.

Based on your earlier post this morning it sounds like the anger is subsiding. The best thing with regards to your sanity is to start expecting nothing in return from your w. Keep being happy and positive around her as much as you can, but don't expect anything in return. If you lower your expectations about her responses, etc, it will help ease the emotional rollercoaster you are on.

But don't expect her anger to go away immediately. I know in your mind you just want to "fix it" and be done with this as quickly as possible. Just remember that is a false proposition. It won't be quick because it wasn't quick in getting to this point. It seems like it was quick but that was only the realization part.

The hard part is working on yourself. Look at this as an opportunity to improve you. You now have the time to do some things for yourself that you might have put off. Start doing those things.

I know, I've been where you are. I'm getting better and better. It just takes time. But I also see my w getting better as well. The counseling should help. How did you pick your counselor? Mine was a referral so I knew she was a good unbiased counselor. And we do seperate sessions individually and couples sessions. This has really helped us.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

My wife has said the she will call a counselor. She doesn't want me to do it. She says they are people that were recommended to her. She supposedly called last week on Thursday and got no response and called 2 different ones again on Monday, but still no response. Hopefully it will happen soon. She doesn't want me asking her about i so I am just waiting to hear from her.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

DH, get some references as well. Don't aske her start your search even if for your own counselor. Seems strange with the no respones but I don't know much about that. My counselor is great about calling back quickly - called on a Saturday morning on her emergency number, left a message, she called back within 2 hours and scheduled our first appointment. 

Now she is just great about that - I can call her anytime outside of counseling - and she is there. 

Anyway, stay as strong and positive as you can. Read the book you got, try the ones I suggested. Just keep moving. Stillness is not an option at this point.

Get as much sleep as you can and eat well. Need to be physcially able to proceed. I know it is hard to focus at work. When that happens try taking a walk or something to clear your head. Something.

Try to enjoy your freedom right now. And it is a freedom. The freedom to choose who you want to be and how you act. Sounds weird, but it is true. You will survivie.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So it was an interesting weekend. The wife and I were civil with each other for the most part. She is still just so angry though. She told me that a counselor called back and she will be calling today. I hope we get an appointment soon as at least it will be something for me to look forward to. Sometimes it is harder when she is being nice to me. I get this false hope that she is turning around and wants to work on things only to have her flip flop back to being angry and hurtful. I am dong my best to stay positive around her and not to bite when she tries to pick fights. So far I have been doing pretty good at it. I am feeling OK today which is the first day in a while so that's good, but I still miss my wife and to be honest I don't even recognize her these days. She is an angry hurtful woman and I always knew her to be a caring loving woman. Anyway, just wanted to vent that. My hope remains the same, that we can get through this tough time in our marriage and resume our marriage. I love her and I am just not ready to let her go.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Well monday went and passed and she didn't call the counselor. I am starting to get fed up with this. I am really angry today. I called to say hi to my daughter last night and the first thing she says to me is "Daddy, I want you to come home". That destroyed me. How can my wife just shrug that off like it's nothing. Doesn't she see what her selfishness is doing to the people that love her? I am really angry today and I am doing everything in my power to not react and call her and tell her what I think. Her selfishness is off the charts right now. she only cares about herself and noone else. Who is this woman? I don't even recognize her anymore. I don't know how much more of this I can take, I feel like going and filing for divorce and telling her what I think about this scumbag that I am 99% sure she is having an affair with. I need to cool off, I am furious this morning and I don't want to act out of anger but I am once again going out of my mind...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH,

As I said before you find the counselor and set up an appointment. No need to wait on her. You are right, you need to cool off and relax as hard as that is to do.

Don't assume this isn't hurting you w as well. She just won't show you that due to the anger. Believe me it has to hurt her as well.

Don't be so sure about an affair, unless you have physical proof. If you jump to conclusions without it you are damaging yourself more and making it harder on yourself.

Seek counseling - if only for yourself.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I have already started to see a personal counselor. I went last week and I have another appointment tomorrow. I can't schedule the couples counselor because if I do, she won't go. She has to be in control of it or she won't do it. I am reaching my breaking point with her. I don't know how much more of this I can take.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Well she made an appointment finally. We go on Monday to see a couples counselor. I really hope this helps.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Glad to here it. Just remember that she said she would and she did it. Got to give her credit for that. And since it is for couples counseling -- no matter what she said when angry -- it is a positive.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Ya I am trying to stay positive. I have been giving her space as much as I can. We have to interact to deal with things for our daughter. I have been trying to do small things to show her that I care without upsetting her or bringing up her feelings of anger. They have gone over pretty well. I sent her a really cute picture of our daughter with a little quote on the bottom that said "I love you mummy" She expressed her thanks and let me know that she really enjoyed it. I know this is not necessarily a sign that she is reconsidering, but it is a positive step in the right direction in my mind. I am feeling pretty good today which is a change. I still miss her like crazy, but I am not obsessing trying to figure out a quick fix. This is a good thing. Thanks very much for you support with this, it has been really helpful for me.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your anger is understandable, but don't believe everything you think when angry. For example, you talk about what "her selfishness is doing to everyone else." You can be damn sure she has thought, and maybe still thinks, it is YOUR selfishness that caused all this. 

It is very hard to rebuild a marriage that has gotten to this point, I think, because each of you will have so much work to do--and not just on yourself, but on how you react to the other. Finding the point where "you" end and "she" begins will be so hard--does she have a right to say this or that to me? Am I being too hard on her or too hard on myself? The tendency will be to flip flop from anger to desperation and back again, so your interactions will be totally inconsistent and unpredictable--and this is the very pattern you will need to break. That's why learning to manage your anger is so important, so you can stop and think before you react. Sounds like you are willing to try, so best of luck and keep us posted.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

It is funny how my day can turn with nothing happening. I was feeling pretty good this morning and now not so much... I miss her. I know she is talking to another man and that drives me crazy. I don't know what it is, but it still drives me nuts. I have these urges to go to his work and tell him what I think about him. I know this won't do any good, but what kind of person pursues a married woman? Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to the realities of this world, but I guess I just respect the sanctity of marriage more than others... Anyway, got the counselor shortly so hopefully it will help.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So today for the most part has been a good day. Had some good communication with my wife although she still doesn't want me around. I have something that is really bothering me though. It is the fact that she is calling that other guy daily and talking for long periods of time. I don't know if this is something I should bring up. Not to accuse her of anything, but just to let her know that I don't think it is appropriate for her to be talking to another man this much while we are married and how much it bothers me. I am sure that is would be met with resistance and will probably set her off, but it really bothers me a lot. I know that she knows that I can see the phone bills and I am sure she would make up some lie about who she is talking to even though I know who it is. I have also seen the emails he has sent her and they were not the kind of emails you send to a "friend". Would telling her this bothers me just be banging my head against the wall? Not sure what to do here, any help would be appreciated.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Since it bothers you I would tell her that it does. No demands about stopping or anything else. Just that it bothers you and hurts your feelings. If you know who the person is, you should probably talk to him as well. Again, non-confrontational but ask him what is going on and let him know as well that it bothers you.

This is advice from my counselor regarding those situations.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I don't know the person. It is an old friend of hers from high school that she reached out to once we separated. I also know that telling her will upset her and if I talked to him I know it would push her over the edge.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Here is the issue that you are dealing with. As my counselor has explained, if you are working on your relationship you can't be talking with someone of the opposite sex about the relationship itself or nothing will work. She is having an emotional affair. She "enjoys" the conversation, he makes me laugh, all those things like that equate to an EA or whatever you want to call it.

It is wrong of her to do it. You must risk her anger. But again tell her in a calm, non-demanding way that it bothers you and it hurts you. That is it - say no more to her about it.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Ya, I guess the issue is that I am the only one trying to work on the relationship.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Well that didn't go well. She doesn't really care that it bothers me. We were having a decent day talking too. I always seem to sabotage it somehow...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Don't think of it that way. I didn't say it went well for me either when I told my wife. But it had to be said because it was driving me crazy. My w started getting it in counseling regarding that. Bring the fact up in counseling - again that it bothers you and nothing more.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I need to stop looking at the damn phone bill. It sabotages my good days when I look. It just confirms what I already know... Why do I keep putting myself through the hurt? You would think I would learn from my mistakes, but I guess I need to burn myself many times before I realize that the stove is hot...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Because the hurt is fresh. You need to vent and rant. Try not to expect any positive from your w for a while. It is hard to do I know, but it does lessen the swings you are going through.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

The only thing I expect from her right now is the same ****. She will be an uncaring, unloving angry woman. I don't expect her to give 2 ****s about how I feel. It is obvious by her actions.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So I have my first counseling session with my wife today. I have to admit that I am feeling really depressed right now. I talked to my wife this weekend and she basically said that she is ready to file for divorce but she is doing the counseling because she doesn't want to look back and be angry that she didn't dot her i's and cross her t's (her words). That really hurt me when she said that. I just want to try and make this marriage work and it seems like it is just a joke to her. I dunno, I am full of fear at losing the woman I love and I am feeling pretty depressed lately.

Thanks for listening to my rants.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I hope that the counseling went/goes well. 

One thing to remember is that your wife has already moved on emotionally. Something in the marriage was not right (probably many things), which brought her to a point where she was angry, done... 

If there is someone else that she is talking to, it's probably because that person is listening, and maybe for the time you have been married, you didn't listen.

You have to give her space, and time. If she is willing to go to counseling, take it or leave it. I'm guessing she said she is "willing" versus "wanting". She wants to get over the anger issues, and if she is willing to let you try, great - but you can't really expect that she is going to get over the feelings that have led her to this decision right away. If she can get over them at all, it is going to take time and patience...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH,

First I hope the counseling session goes well. But don't get huge expectations of things working out overnight. This is a process, a journey for you both. I've found out things about myself in counseling that I never knew or couldn't explain. Now I am understanding and see. 

Second, when your wife says things like that they are out of anger. She wants you to feel her hurt. Doesn't mean they are true. Learned that in counseling too. No mater what you think about her - that its a joke - she feels it too. Remember that and try, as best as you can to be sympathetic. I know it is tough.

Caring, Kindness, Patience, Understanding, and Unselfishness. That is the key to it all.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you for that. I know that she is angry and it is coming out towards me. I have tried to be both caring and understanding. I expressed my hopes for the counseling in that I only hope that we can work through the anger and hurt and try to be a family again. All I want is what is best for my daughter first, then my wife and I. I know we have the potential to be a happy family and I just hope that my wife can see that before she pulls the plug on the marriage. 

We have been talking about schedules for my daughter, ie days I get her and days she does etc and I know this is really hard for my wife. She doesn't want to give up any time with my daughter. She feels like it is her losing something. She has also stated that she knows that this is what our daughter needs but that it really hurts her. I tried to let her know that I would love nothing more than for the time to be "Our" time with our daughter, but I know she is not ready to hear that stuff. I am just trying to hold on to hope for our family and marriage, but it is really hard right now.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know why I even talk to her. Try to keep it just about business, but somehow it always has to go elsewhere. btw I think Facebook is the freaking devil... I am very angry and frustrated right now. Just needed to vent that.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thats ok. That is what the forum is all about. Yeah I know about scheduling and how hard it is sometimes. When my little boy says something like - going to mom's house tonight -- it just tears me up. But life goes on and we all survive somehow, someway. May not be what either of us desires, but it will still be okay. Just remember that no matter what you will never be "alone" for you will always have your daughter.


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## BruceMan77777 (Aug 11, 2009)

ok, like others said, read books theres some Ive read "how to get your ex back" for example wich has some very good frames and techniques for rekindling your relationship. Reading and learning about things in your life you want to handle is empowering. It helps you get focused on what you want and exactly how to get it. Remember that good day you had, or she had, and she was all nice you wrote about? that is how you should be around her all the time, phone, emails.. what ever... after a good amount of time with good interactions bring her out on a casual date... and talk about what your supose to and dont talk about what your not supose to(read). the thing is with other guys, is she has the most investment in you right now... thats extreamly important to women (she doesnt want to drop everything shes invested in for some dude she know probably just wants sex). if you have an attractive woman, there are always going to be guys out there that want her, whether your in the picture or not. She has more investment in you than them. She doesnt want to throw that away for a love poem or emails. read books on the subject. be cool, laid back,lead, be a good father(very attractive). empower yourself through reading, be unaffected(I know its hard but what are the alternatives), and slowly she will become attracted to you all over again...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Man, I understand how you feel. I spent 5 years in deniial of my issues and basically left my wife emotionally. I have a thread in the considering divorce section if you wish to read about it. This is a tough pill to swallow, as she has filed for divorce today. I honestly feel things can work out if you (we) communicate. As others have said, don't push. You need to work on being the person you want to be, not the person that got you into this mess. In my situation, that is my only hope, that she recoginzes that divorce will be a mess and that a future with me will be different than it was in the past years. Otherwise I am going to be a wreck. 

Best wishes to you. I have started love must be tough and s others have suggested, go to the library and get it and readit. So far, it is good.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you all for your responses. I am really in a frustrating place right now. We had our first counseling session and the counselor asked us if we would be willing to spend 2-3 months really trying to make it work. My answer was yes and my wife's was I don't think I can do it. So basically we have 2 weeks until our next session and based on what my wife says there it is either going to be us working on the marriage or the counselor preparing us for life divorced. I am just really frustrated and angry right now. basically in 2 weeks I learn if there is any chance. If we are not going to work on our marriage, I really want nothing to do with my wife except for necessary dealings because of our daughter. I don't need the constant reminder that the woman I love would rather be alone then work on our relationship that I have put everything into for so long. I am just tired, hurt, angry, frustrated and afraid all at the same time... ****ty place to be honestly.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

that is the exact place i am at. My wife doesn't think things will change. i think they can. i feel the same way about her. tonight we had some good conversation on the phone on where we wanted to head, even though papers were filed, she was talking of seeing our pastor again a few times together as she and I both really think highly of him. I think he is in my court, not that it matters, but he will probably kick her a$% as she is seeing someone else. I also saw him again recently and he was surprised at the different person I had become. I hope as I continue to show how I have changed, and what pastor says, she is convinced to at least try to save it. I think we will be better off.

Hang in there, It is frustrating for all of us in the same situation. But if it was easy, we would have done it already. I'll cheer you on!


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks for that. I haven't had a good conversation with my wife in a long time. I talked to her last night and basically asked her to think long and hard about what the counselor said to her. I am at a place now where if she is not willing to put in the effort to work on our marriage, then I am done. She is out of her mind right now and I really don't like the person she has become. If she is not willing to put the 2-3 months of trying in that the counselor suggested then, for myself, I just need to move on. I deserve to be treated with love and respect and I am not getting that from her at all.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

BH,

Don't dwell on made up time lines. No matter in two weeks you won't know. It took a long time to get to this point and it will take a long time to correct it. Again, don't read too much into the counselor's time line or her statement. The fact she is there is a positive. Remember the counselor is just probing right now and will say things just to get you talking, etc. I realize this now with my own situation. It seems so round about, the counselor is easing you back into communication etc.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

I am not really sure that is the direction she is taking, she stated that if we won't both commit to that then our counseling will be about how to co-parent as a divorced couple. I know this is something that will be good for us, but at the same time, it won't be working on our marriage.

Wierd thing just happened too. My wife asked me to get lunch with her. She hasn't wanted me around her at all. She also stated that I shouldn't read into it. I agreed to the lunch, but now am feeling like I should have said no.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Its okay to say yes, assuming you didn't have other plans already. But be civil, polite etc. Act as if you don't have a care in the world.

If she tries to engage in deep conversation, I would say lets not discuss that, lets just enjoy ourselves.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

We had our lunch yesterday and it went OK. We didn't really talk about anything except our daughter. It was really hard on me though because she is just so cold. It is like this whole thing just doesn't even phase her. I was feeling ok yesterday, but today I am just feeling really depressed. I dropped off my daughter at daycare and I won't see her again until sunday and that really hurts. I am also really missing my wife. I miss her telling me she loves me, I miss her smile, I miss being close to her, I just miss everything about her. I am holding back form telling her this as I know it just makes me look weak to her and it won't help or change her view on this. It is just really hard and today is harder than most.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Bzh, you are doing great given the circumstances. I know you miss her - that is why you've got to keep busy and start doing new things just to occupy your time. I know about dropping of the kid. Kills me every time. 

But remember that no matter what happens btw you and the w, as long as you are loving and supportive with your daughter she will be with you.

Get the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It is helping me.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

Well my wife told me today that it's over. I am devastated... I don't even know what to do.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Take a deep breathe. I can't imagine what that felt like since it hasn't happened to me, although I think about it often. I have no words that will heal your pain right now.

But you must be strong as strong as you can. I feel for you. Pray.
I just said one for you.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I know how you feel. (I know, I said that before). Last week my wife told me that she never really felt love for me over the last 10 years. That was a pretty big blow. Like has been said, when something emotonal like this comes into play, there is no rational path that gets taken. If you check out my thread, what is happening with me makes no rational sense. Anyone who would look at what is happening would say this is crazy. However, there is nothing you can do, other than take care of yourself. Be the best person you can be. And do it for yourself, not for her. If she comes around, all the better. If not, you are a much better person for it. Exercise, take walks, read, spend time with the little one. It is easy to say, hard to do, I feel that every day. Sometimes the frustration and pain come out in ways that you would normally just cringe at when the kids bug you. Happens to me quite frequently, and I just HATE it. However, it is the only thing you can do. In my case, I feel like I am just sitting on the side of the tracks, waiting for the train wreck to happen in front of me. Almost feels like an "I told you so" kind of moment, however I would never say that. She is doing some crazy things, saying some crazy things, and some times I almost think like others have said, I gotta get her away so the kids aren't hurt. I dont think she would do anything intentional, but may get caught in the shrapnel.

Like you mentioned, no matter what you do, what you say, it is wrong. I did some cooking on monday and picked up the kids rooms. However on monday night, I left some socks balled up in the laundry and did not take my shirts back to my closet. The reaction I got was like I killed someone! It hurts and It is hard, but you just have to let it roll off. You have to know that the person she is now, is not the person you married. She is seeking something you did not give her. However, the object of what she is seeking has faults and problems, and things most likely are not going to be any better on the other side of the fence.

In a while, as this all is settling in, you will start to think, do I want this to continue? Is this person still the person that I want in my life? Can I still trust this person, after what they have done? If so, and she comes around, FANTASTIC! You can now start rebuilding, and both of you have had a transformation into new people that can better suit each others needs. If not, well, At least you can still live with yourself, as you have taken a higher road to your life.

Sorry for being so long winded, but I am having a terrible day too. We all have to help each other.


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## scheezy (Aug 21, 2009)

Hi there

I'm going through the exact same thing right now, my wife has taken out 2 kids and it's been over a month now that she's been gone. She acts as if i don't exist, and i don't understand how somebody could tell you how much they love you and then turn around and treat you as if you're the worst person in the world.
She makes me feel as if i'm worst than a dog in the street.
I may have made many mistakes, but believe me i was trying to be the perfect husband and father. 
I don't get it, and reading this topic of yours has really opened my eyes and taught me a few things. I've been going about this all wrong and i need to wise up.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Its funny how we look at things the way we think of them. No wonder how we see us as doing no wrong. However, what love teaches, true, deep, unconditional love teaches, is to look at things the way our SO thinks of them. Only by doing that, will our happiness and fulfillment come. 

Easy to say, hard to do. Especially when we are in the boat we are.

Keep working on it, keep trying, keep posting here. It really helps.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

The strangest thing happened after that morning for me. That same day she told me it was over, we had to go to our daughter's daycar for a meet and greet with new teachers. I met her at the house a little early to talk about things. We had a civil conversation (huh? wtf?) It went really well, I expressed my desire to work ont he marriage and she didn't get mad. I told her how I felt about her and she didn't get mad. She even agreed to have dinner with me after the meeting. We had a very nice dinner and talked and laughed and just had a plain old nice time. I don't know what happened in that fight, but it seems that she is warming up to the idea of working on our marriage. We talked yesterday too and it went really well. I don't know what is going on, it makes no sense to me, but somehow I have hope again. We are communicating again and they are nice conversations. I will keep you guys posted. 

I really hope that we can do this, and from the little I have seen from her lately, I think she may have some hope for us too.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

It may be best to not push the "working on it" stuff so much. You don't want to over do things. Maybe a little bit in part of the conversation, but talk about other things, like what is happening at the house, or at work, how you can help with non-relationship things around here and there. From what I had happen, if I spent too much time on the relationship, it built up walls again, and FAST. If I focused on other things, it built up my worth and value to the relationship without talking about the relationship. 

Does this make sense? It is encouraging, but this takes time. Lots of time. Read the breaking down these walls thread in the private forum. It shows lots of what kind of struggle we are facing. It sounds like he is at the end of a successful journey, one we can only hope for right now. It has 12 pags, so get a beer and sit down and read!

ps - love the picture! looks like a touching moment of dad and child.


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## 983468 (Jul 28, 2009)

So I haven't posted in a while. Thought I would just give you all an update. My wife has filed for divorce. It has been the most unusual past week or so. We weren't really talking at all. We had talked about not using attorneys and just filing together etc and she went and got the best attorney in the state and filed. Then this past weekend we ended up sleeping together (WTF???). I had just started to become OK with everything and then this. I don't know why I did it, well I do, but it was just a bad idea. It brought up all those feelings of wanting my wife back. For the past few days since we were together we have been talking more and things have been pretty good, but she remains firm that the divorce is what she wants. I now have that feeling of hurt about losing her again. The day we spent together was more than just sex. We talked, held each other and just had a really good time together. It was great. Unfortunately afterwards I am slapped in the face with the reality that this woman no longer wants to be my wife... Oh well, live and learn I guess...


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