# Husband Says He Wants Separation but Won't Leave



## LIMBOLADY

I am new here but have been reading posts on here for a while. I finally decided to create an account. Anyway, I am 45 years old and have been married for 12 years. We have two boys (ages 9 and 11). Our marriage has been pretty solid (or so I thought) for the most part. We have had some ugly fights over the years. Nothing physical but nasty words have been exchanged by both of us.

My husband is very funny but many times over the years has made many jokes at my expense. Some of these jokes would be the cause of some of our more heated arguments.

This is so difficult to write because there is so much to tell. I think our really big problems started last November. He started getting a bit too friendly (for my comfort zone) with a female co-worker. One night he was out with her and his female boss until 1:00 a.m. during the week when we both have to get up and go to work in the morning. I probably overreacted a bit to that behavior but following that was his office xmas party, where no spouses were included, and he didn't get home from that one until 3:00 a.m. Again on a work/school night. I was not very happy about that either. From there, it went to the three of them texting - ALOT - and not about work. I just found it all to be annoying and inappropriate. He saw nothing wrong with any of this and just kept on doing it. 

All of this behavior led me to start feeling insecure in the relationship which I had never been insecure before. There were also a few business trips in there where he was out until all hours, not answering his phone, etc.

We started getting fighting more and more, tried marriage counseling but it didn't last for more than a few visits. I don't think either of us felt comfortable with her. 

This past spring, back in April, he told me that he wanted to separate. That he did not want to work on the marriage and that he was out.

I was devastated and resorted to all the usual bad behavior of crying, begging, pleading, etc. I finally went to an attorney and had a consultation. He did the same. Then he drafted up a separation agreement himself. He sent it to me and I eventually ended up sending it to my attorney who rewrote the entire thing. During all of this, we kept going back and forth, back and forth on working on the marriage. I wanted to work on it especially for the sake of the kids. We tried another counselor and have been seeing him for a while but it still doesn't feel like we are moving forward. 

My husband is constantly saying that we aren't getting any better even though I have tried very hard to give him his space. I don't call him at work or email him unless it's necessary. He does not seem to care if he hears from me or not or if I am home or not. His demeanor is very cool and aloof. The man does not look at me like he loves me at all. He says he still loves me and cares about me but we are not good for each other. 

Anyway, where we are now is still nowhere. He has had the revised separation agreement now for nearly a month. As far as I know, he has done nothing with it. I have not heard from attorney so I would assume he has not gone to his with it. 

I have asked him to move out because I am so tired of this roller coaster ride that seems like it will never come to an end. As far as I know, he has done nothing in that area either.

I am at a loss to this point as to what to do. I want him to either commit to the relationship and the marriage or end it so that we can both move on with our lives. It feels like he is going to do neither.

I would appreciate any advice, thoughts, speculation, etc.

I apologize in advance if I am not giving enough detail or information in this thread but it is exhausting just writing what I have written.


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## C3156

If he is failing to take any action, to me it means that he is just keeping you around as plan B as he works on plan A (whoever that is). I would stop waiting for him and take action yourself. Once you make it clear that you are moving forward, I bet you that he will 'suddenly' make a decision.


Start to take action to protect yourself and get the ball rolling:

- Study your states statutes and learn your rights. Don't always rely entirely on your lawyer. They have a monetary stake in this game and are not always forthcoming.

- Make copies of all the important documents (pay stubs, bank accounts, birth cert., ect) and store them in a safe location.

- Open a separate account (at a separate bank) and have your paycheck deposited there instead of the joint account. 

- Inventory the house and store a copy with your other documents. Start a list to separate properties.

- Document the time you spend with your children and your involement in their lives.

- Move into a spare bedroom and install a lock on the door that only you have the key. This will give you your space as well as satisfy the "separate and apart" clause that some states requrie, especially if you cannot afford to move.

- In some states you can go ahead and file for divorce and have him served. This will wake him up. Just because you file does not mean you have to go through with it.

- You also need to evaluate your financial position and determine your options.

You cannot legally force your husband to leave, unless of course there is some violence involved. If he refuses to leave, write the papers that he picks up the note for the house and you can leave. You don't have to wait for him.


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## cdbaker

:iagree:

I feel quite confident in my suspicion that he is involved in an affair, or an emotional affair at the very least. ALL of the obvious signs are there. The fact that he has dragged out the separation stuff and sits on it for long periods of time just tells me that he is using you in some way or maybe hoping you'll leave, but really has no intention of using a separation in the way it is designed to be used. (Time apart for healing, personal reflection, working on ones own issues, realizing what one has in the marriage that is good and worthwhile, etc.)

I'd say put your foot down and demand that he move out if he wants a separation, and if he doesn't, then go file for divorce asap (and don't warn him ahead of time). He might just wake up to what he risks losing with you and his family, in which case you'll see a whole new man very quickly, but if he is involved in an affair, that will probably be unlikely until the affair fog lifts. Make sure you keep the kids at home too. If you have to file to get him out of the house, then seek an emergency custody order to keep the kids in their home and force him to move out. It'll do him good to be put in a situation where he has to make a choice, to save his marriage or take his selfishness elsewhere.


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## LIMBOLADY

I have looked into all of the VA laws. You are supposed to live separately for one year (if you have children) and six months if you do not. 

Back in April, I had moved into the upstairs guest room because we were going to try and stay in the same residence until our lease is up. We do not own. We rent a house. 

Then, like an idiot, I moved back downstairs over the summer because things seemed to be getting better. However, anytime we have the slightest disagreement or if I get upset and cry (which used to happen a lot) over the situation, he would immediately revert back to the "we are not getting any better speech". 

During our MC sessions or one of them, we had to write out our list of "bottom lines". One of the most important things on my list was more intimacy, more I love you statements, more affection, etc. He flat out refuses to do any of these things and says it just "feels forced". So now we sleep in the same bed but it is like sleeping with a stranger. The only sentiment I ever get is "do you want a kiss goodbye" in the morning before I leave for work and all it is is a peck.

Last night, I tried to bring up the separation again, which he does not seem to want to talk about at all. He says he is going to have to rewrite it and send it to his attorney. He then asked if I wanted him to move out. I said, no I don't want you to move out but how long is this going to go on? I asked him if he was happy. He says no. I said neither am I. Nothing further was discussed.

So now I am at the point of what do I do now? Move back upstairs? I hate to do that because I feel like our kids are already confused enough about this whole situation. Plus I don't really like sharing a bathroom with them. They are getting older and I feel like it's strange for them to share a bathroom with their mother.

I have done some of the things you said, like open a separate bank account but I have not re-routed my paycheck. 

I refuse to leave the house because I am NOT leaving my children. In the state of VA that would be considered abandonment and I can't take them with me.


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## C3156

So basically he wants out of the marriage but does not want to do the work. In other words, he wants you to do everything and be the bad guy so he can be the poor victim.

I still stand by what I said, get the process started, stop waiting for him. Nobody likes to be in limbo and this way at least you are moving in some direction.

- For your kids, you both need to sit down and talk with them in a language they understand. You don't have to be specific but you need to tell them what is going on. They are smarter than most poeple them credit, be honest with your kids, they already know something is wrong.

- If you cannot agree on anything else, agree on a custody schedule. Then you can put it into action. Either if you move upstairs or one of you moves out. When it comes to final divorce time, the court will typically go with the status quo you have established.

- Just because you move out does not mean you abandon your kids. That is why you agree on the custody schedule, so that you have a schedule as to where the kids will be and when. At some point you all will have to move to individual homes, you need to plan for that now.

- I would look into some individual counseling for yourself during the separation period. It will give you a chance to reflect and work on things you know you could do better.


If I were you, I would go ahead and plan on being single. You cannot change or control your husband but you can control if he stays married to you. Who wants to be married to someone that does not care about you at all?


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## cdbaker

I can't get past this nonsense about paying lawyers back and forth for months on end to reach an covenant on a separation agreement, which is not legally binding anyway. I don't understand that at all. Typically the separation agreement, which not every couple comes up with anyway, is done with a marriage counselor or between the couple, and is purely an "on your honor" agreement. Why are lawyers involved at all?!

I don't think he really knows what he wants, or he is just so frustrated and depressed (or just depressed and frustrated as a result) that he doesn't have the effort do do anything about it and isn't even sure if ending the marriage will make him happier or not. (I'm guessing it won't make him happier at all) Of course, remaining married to a man who isn't willing to commit to anything at all isn't ok either. So at this point you really need to just get the process started yourself. I think he needs a wake up call and receiving a divorce petition will do the trick. It will force him to take a position one way or the other, either for the divorce or to realize that it isn't what he wants and maybe commit himself to changing direction.

Remember that the divorce petition in your state is a very looong process, so there will be plenty of time for everyone to calm down and see things rationally and maybe change their minds. Don't put yourselves or your kids through any more "back and forth", just commit yourself to moving on and keep your mind/heart open to him if he your initiative wakes his ass up and he realizes it isn't what he wants.

And C3156 is right. Moving out is not abandoning your kids unless you actually leave without a custody plan. Moving out tomorrow for instance and then trying to figure out a custody plan would be a BAD idea. If you have the plan in place however and follow it to a T, then you'll be protected from any potential abandonment charge. With that said, I still think it would be preferable for you if you could get him to leave instead, though without a legal separation/divorce petition in place, he wouldn't be obligated to help you financially either, so it could be a trade-off.


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## LIMBOLADY

I really appreciate your responses and advice. Yesterday I sent him an email (since he doesn't seem to want to discuss this at home AND he is all wrapped up in Fantasy Football right now) stating this:

Since you seem unwilling to discuss this situation at home and in person, I feel that I am left with no other alternative but to resort to email.
As you are already very aware, I am very unhappy with our current situation and I am tired of waiting around wondering what your next move is.
You don’t seem to know what you want and for that I am really sorry.
However, I have to think about my own happiness and that of the boy’s.
This charade has gone on long enough.
I think I knew from the onset of all of this that I was going to have to be the one to take charge of the situation.
I am going to hate every minute of this but I have come to the conclusion that I have no other alternatives.
Without you being able to commit to truly working on the marriage and all that goes with that, I feel I have no other option but to leave.

I am looking into the (apartment complex name).
They have three bedroom apartments coming available mid-September.
For a 6 month lease I am looking at $1,240 per month (it will be less if I commit to a one year lease).
I am thinking the 6 month lease makes more sense since that will be about the time the house lease will be up and then we can both decide what/where we are going at that point.

You would need to rewrite the separation agreement with that figure in mind plus utilities, trash, cable, etc.
And of course, the 50/50 custody arrangement.

I am so so sorry it has come down to this but at the risk of repeating myself, I see no other alternative.

Let me know your thoughts when you are able.


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## LIMBOLADY

And this was his response:

I agree – this is really painful and I am sorry for any hurt I have caused you. Despite our current situation, I do care for you.

At this point, I agree that separate living arrangements and getting the agreement signed is in both our best interests. The 6 month lease in the Greens makes sense to me… As you make those arrangements, I will work on getting the final edits into the settlement agreement, including the costs of the living arrangements. I will work with my lawyer to have this back to you by the end of next week.

As we talked about, we both know this will be rough on the kids, but we need to make sure all of this is as easy on them as we can make it. Please let me know your thoughts on what/how/when we should do this. 

We can discuss all of this more when the boys’ little ears aren’t around.


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## LIMBOLADY

Sorry for all of the posts. I hope I'm not breaking any rules here. I did just want to mention that him and I did talk on the phone briefly after these email exchanges and decided it makes more sense for him to take the apartment and for me to stay in the house. We have pets and a. he doesn't like our pets anyway and b. I would not be able to bring all 3 of them to the apartment.

As far as lawyers and the separation agreement, my understanding is that the separation is legal and that pretty much whatever we agree to as far as child support, alimony and custody of the kids in the separation agreement will remain when/if we get divorced. Without a legal separation agreement, the state of VA will not consider us separated. 

It's all so complicated!!!!!!!!!!


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## toonaive

I really, really do not think you should be leaving the marital home. He should. Not sure about VA, but here in SC, the separation agreement is merely a framework for the initial terms of separation and maintaining of current obligations. It may or may not include how property is divided up. It helps if it does. If the judge agrees with it, or makes changes to it, it is then merged with the actual court divorce to become legal. Could proof of physical separation, be a signed lease agreement, that a separate residence has been established? Again, I really dont think it is in your best interests to leave the home. He wants out of the marriage so badly, he should leave. Take advantage of any early feelings he has about wanting a divorce, to accomplish this. The longer it takes, the more intractable he might become. If you want to try and save the marriage you must act quickly. Get him out, have him served. But, either way, do what you need to do for yourself and your son. Take the control of the situation away from him. He is stalling because he is unsure of what he wants. Get him out of his comfort zone, and show him what he will loose. If he is ok with that, then so be it.


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## LIMBOLADY

I agree and I am not going to leave the house. We do not own the house anyway. We sold our house two years ago because we had a lot of debt and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I just don't know what to do (other than what I have already done) to get him to actually do what he has to do regarding the apartment mentioned above.

I gave him all of the contact information and even offered to fill out the application for him. Like I said before, I still think he is going to drag his feet on this. Although, he says he will have the revised separation agreement to me by the end of next week - I will believe it when I see it. 

I don't think I can serve him with divorce papers in the state of VA. Maybe I can. I would have to look into that but even if I do, that is no guarantee that he will do anything.


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## 3Xnocharm

So why not have YOUR lawyer draw up a separation agreement, that states a date that he needs to be out by? You know he is going to drag his feet....


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## LIMBOLADY

According to my attorney, I cannot force him out of the house. I have no grounds to do so.


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## joygirl

I have a suggestion that may sound wierd; If your H is not pushing for a D and not being violent or abusive, why not just sit and try to raise your kids there? why do you need to leave? Or make him leave? If you are not looking into getting remarried after a divorce, it may be better for your kids if you just try to stay together even though you can't live like normal married couples do. 

Some may argue that it's better to separate in the interest of the kids, this is true when a marriage is really bad and one spouse is abusive. But if he's a good father, and does not disrespect you in front of your kids at least, and he's not into cheating, why not give it more time to see if he'd come back to his senses? I agree that this would be hard, but what will get better for you or your kids if he leaves or you take the kids and leave?


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## joygirl

I have a suggestion that may sound wierd; If your H is not pushing for a D and not being violent or abusive, why not just sit and try to raise your kids there? why do you need to leave? Or make him leave? If you are not looking into getting remarried after a divorce, it may be better for your kids if you just try to stay together even though you can't live like normal married couples do. 

Some may argue that it's better to separate in the interest of the kids, this is true when a marriage is really bad and one spouse is abusive. But if he's a good father, and does not disrespect you in front of your kids at least, and he's not into cheating, why not give it more time to see if he'd come back to his senses? I agree that this would be hard, but what will get better for you or your kids if he leaves or you take the kids and leave?


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## LIMBOLADY

joygirl said:


> I have a suggestion that may sound wierd; If your H is not pushing for a D and not being violent or abusive, why not just sit and try to raise your kids there? why do you need to leave? Or make him leave? If you are not looking into getting remarried after a divorce, it may be better for your kids if you just try to stay together even though you can't live like normal married couples do.
> 
> Some may argue that it's better to separate in the interest of the kids, this is true when a marriage is really bad and one spouse is abusive. But if he's a good father, and does not disrespect you in front of your kids at least, and he's not into cheating, why not give it more time to see if he'd come back to his senses? I agree that this would be hard, but what will get better for you or your kids if he leaves or you take the kids and leave?


I have thought of this and suggested it. We were originally going to stay in the house until the lease is up - together. However, he recently said "how is it good for the kids to grow up seeing a loveless marriage"?

While I wish I was a strong enough person to do what you suggest, I know that I am not. And while our relationship is not abusive it is exactly what he said "loveless".

I think what will get better for both of us is that eventually we will be happier people apart. I don't think he is ever going to change his mind that we are not good for each other. Remember also that has been going on since last November. Coming up on a year. Selfishly and emotionally, I do not know how much longer I can deal with living with a stranger. This is not the man I married. It's a complete stranger.


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## cdbaker

I completely misunderstood that by "Separation Agreement" you meant "Legal Separation". Yes a legal separation is a precursor to divorce and typically most of the same terms in that document will transfer on to the divorce if it reaches that point. I think the term "separation agreement" is more often used around here to mean a simple document between a couple, often produced with the help of a marriage counselor, setting up rules and guidelines for a separation. Of course, it sounds like Virginia's rules regarding divorce are a little stronger than what I'm used to seeing here in Kansas. I had no idea that a state would require a full legal separation for X amount of time before considering divorce. I think in most states there is a waiting period, and some require a separation period, but I don't know if proof is always required like with a legal separation. Yikes.

I agree that cohabiting in a loveless marriage isn't good for the kids either, not if it's viewed as a long term solution.

Hopefully the time apart will wake up him and change his mind. It happens more often than you might think!


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## LIMBOLADY

I don't know. My gut feeling is that he is not going to change his mind but you never know I guess. He has been checked out of the relationship for a very long time. I am clueless as to why he is sticking around. He blames me for holding on to the separation agreement when in fact, I never received it from my attorney until late July which was actually the week before we went on vacation with our kids. I didn't want to send him the agreement right before vacation because I had HOPE. 

Yes, you are correct that it is a Legal Separation that I was talking about. I guess I don't know my legal terminology all that well.


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## cdbaker

Or maybe the legal terminology is different in your state, or maybe the technical name of the document that creates a Legal Separation is "Separation Agreement" and I just didn't connect the dots.

So do you see this as a divorce proceeding, or a separation that could go either way?


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## LIMBOLADY

Probably a divorce proceeding. He has no interest in trying to fix the marriage. He thinks it is too broken to fix. He has said that he has been unhappy for a long time. He also said back in April that "I should have seen this coming". 

I am not sure why I am bothering to cling to any hope of a reconciliation. I think a lot of is that I feel like I am being abandoned. That I wasn't good enough. I don't know. Some days I feel really good and strong. Other days I feel like crap. This is one of those days.


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## caladan

I cohabit. I cohabit to the extent that we bought a house together after we separated. It's simple - she's a great mother to the kids, and I obviously have a lot to offer as a father.

We have different lives - she has a boyfriend now - and we have separate rooms. It's possible, but both parties need to be committed.


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## lenzi

LIMBOLADY said:


> He then asked if I wanted him to move out. I said, no I don't want you to move out


Wrong answer.


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## LIMBOLADY

lenzi said:


> Wrong answer.


Yeah, you're probably right.


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## LIMBOLADY

So not much new here to really report. STBXH made his revisions to the Legal Separation Agreement and sent it to his attorney I believe last Friday.

Last week I had asked him (not in a mean way) how the agreement was coming along. He responded with "you will know when I know". I left it at that.

On Friday we were hanging out, after the boys soccer practice and after dinner. If this seems unusual given the circumstances it isn't. It's what we always do. Anyway, during the course of the evening he made a comment saying " I thought things were fine until you asked about that separation agreement". WHAAAAT??????? Granted he had some drinks. The next day when I tried to talk to him about that statement he blew it off and would not give me any sort of clarification on what he meant.

Sunday he left on a business trip and returns tomorrow. I had IC on Tuesday and really got to the heart of what I want. 

Basically I want BOTH OF US to commit 100 percent to working on the marriage. If not, then one of us needs to go. Am I wrong to take this position? How long does this game continue that we are playing? Acting like a happy family and continuing to confuse our boys?

My 11 year old keeps asking me, how much longer are we going to live here? He wants a real house again. I am feeling horrible telling him over and over that I don't know.

Is it false hope to think my husband meant something real when he said the statement about he thought things were fine until I brought it up??? He has been the one pushing for it. Was it wrong for me to ask?

I feel like the blame is being put on me which I feel is unfair. After nearly a year of this roller coaster, is it wrong to want to know where the heck we are going???

So flipping confused!


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## LIMBOLADY

Well, I haven't posted on my own thread in a while because there hasn't been much to report.

The Legal Separation Agreement is supposed to be done today. Then I guess we go sign it Monday.

STBXH found a place to live. Most likely he will be out before the end of the month.

At 3:00 today we go to talk to our counselor about how to tell the boy's and we are planning to have the talk with them later today. 

I am dreading this beyond belief - telling them and their reactions.

Sigh. Prayers needed.


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## IndecisionIsTorture

LIMBOLADY said:


> Well, I haven't posted on my own thread in a while because there hasn't been much to report.
> 
> The Legal Separation Agreement is supposed to be done today. Then I guess we go sign it Monday.
> 
> STBXH found a place to live. Most likely he will be out before the end of the month.
> 
> At 3:00 today we go to talk to our counselor about how to tell the boy's and we are planning to have the talk with them later today.
> 
> I am dreading this beyond belief - telling them and their reactions.
> 
> Sigh. Prayers needed.


I'd be interested to know what the counselor recommends and the reaction(s) of your boys. (If you feel like sharing)


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## LIMBOLADY

The boys took it better than I thought they would. My 9 year old was choking back tears but held it together.

It was horrible. After 2 hours I was crying in the bathroom. STBXH is so cold. Made it all out to be funny and fun. I give him a lot of credit for being able to do this.

Worst night of my life. There are no words.


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## LIMBOLADY

IndecisionIsTorture said:


> I'd be interested to know what the counselor recommends and the reaction(s) of your boys. (If you feel like sharing)


IIS,

I don't feel like I answered your question very effectively last night since I was still so emotional at the time of my post.

I have thread through your post so I can understand why you would ask this question.

The therapist recommended we be honest, tell them how much we love them and emphasize that this is no way their fault. She suggested that we explain how things are going to go as far as the custody split. And that we don't give them false hope for reconciling.

It was a tough conversation none the less and as I said after 2 hours I was emotionally spent. I never wanted this divorce and tried to talk him out of it right up until the moment we talked to them but his mind is made up.

Anyway, please think very carefully about what you are doing. I think once you get to the point where you tell the kids there is no going back.

And just an FYI neither of our kids brought it up today. I doubt their minds are really wrapped around it.

Anyway just wanted to give you a bit more information. It is not a conversation I would ever of fathomed having and I will certainly never forget it.


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