# ND husband called me into room to watch video of pole dancer



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

So, I'm sat at my desk working (after spending a pleasant day in the garden with ND husband building raised beds to try out some straw bale gardening) and he was sat in the kitchen looking at Facebook on his laptop. Then he called me in to watch a video that he'd found on FB of a "bored pole dancer" in an empty club. Yes, it was amazing (I'd love to have a go on one of those poles, it looks brilliant fun) and she was very talented, but not particularly good looking as he pointed out. The point was that I found it offensive that he's sitting there watching a pole dancer being overtly sexual but has no sex drive in our marriage. I've never been the jealous type and this is one of my qualities that he admires. However, with the frustration I feel and the total lack of sex going on in our marriage, I'm starting to feel really pissed off if he looks at scantily clad women online. He's into tattoos and follows lots of FB tattoo pages and will often post a photo of a practically naked tattooed woman to my timeline or his timeline and this is beginning to feel hurtful. I'm now feeling so inadequate as a woman that I'm showing signs of jealousy for the first time ever in my fifties! In fact, it's not even jealousy, it's just a deep hurt that he will notice other women and doesn't touch me from one month to the next. Is this wrong or am I being oversensitive?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Have you talked to him
About his lack of desire?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> Have you talked to him
> About his lack of desire?


Yes, we seem to have fallen into a pattern of no sex for several weeks until I pluck up the courage to tell him how it makes me feel and how frustrated I am and unhappy with the situation. Then he apologises, tells me he never even thinks of sex, that he loves me and finds me desirable. Then we have sex (maybe) and then the whole cycle starts again with weeks of no sex until I'm at the end of my tether. 

If we had regular sex, then this sort of thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest - I'm not the jealous type at all. I'm just finding it so hurtful and I'm feeling like he's rubbing my nose in it a bit :scratchhead:


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

doobie said:


> In fact, it's not even jealousy, it's just a deep hurt that he will notice other women and doesn't touch me from one month to the next. Is this wrong or am I being oversensitive?


I can certainly understand your frustration, but as a comparison, some people enjoy looking at cars or car racing even though they don't enjoy driving. Some people love to watch football but have no interest in playing it. Understand?

You can ask him to stop looking at these things or at least stop talking about them, but it's not going to solve your basic problem. Looking at your other threads, this is a huge problem in your life. Have you two been to marriage counseling? If not, you should try that first, and if nothing changes, then start making an exit plan. And tell your husband very clearly why you are leaving.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

@Theseus - yes, I do understand your point - and, as I've said, I'm not the jealous type and him looking at videos or photos of other women really hasn't bothered me in the past. It's just that the fact that we don't have a proper marriage is so constantly preying on my mind that it's making me react badly to stuff that normally wouldn't bother me. We haven't been to counselling - only been married for 15 months and it would be hard to find an English speaking counsellor where we live (and pretty hard to afford it right now too).


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

doobie said:


> @Theseus - yes, I do understand your point - and, as I've said, I'm not the jealous type and him looking at videos or photos of other women really hasn't bothered me in the past. It's just that the fact that we don't have a proper marriage is so constantly preying on my mind that it's making me react badly to stuff that normally wouldn't bother me. We haven't been to counselling - only been married for 15 months and it would be hard to find an English speaking counsellor where we live (and pretty hard to afford it right now too).


Have you gone to the doctor to have his T tested? Its a good sign he shares these things with you. It seems you are able to communicate well. Can you discuss this? I am going to say something unorthodox (beware! ): if the pole dancing looks "brilliantly fun," have you considered trying a class or watching some tutorials on this to spice things up (if that is your style and he likes this)? I realize I may get flak for this, but it seems you have an open mind. If this is something you would like to try, maybe this is something you and your husband can share? Just a thought...

I DO think he should have his T tested. I hope the above doesn't offend...just a suggestion. I hope things work out. Please keep us posted!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

@mOnk - we're both UK citizens living outside the UK at the moment so regular health care is difficult. We spent a month in the UK over Christmas and I did try to persuade him to go to a doctor for a check up but he refused, saying he didn't need one. He's on several types of heart medication and I think this is probably lowering his T levels, which was why I tried to persuade him to go to the doctor while he had the chance. 

As for the pole dancing - I'd love to have a go just as a fun way of exercising (I normally do yoga for exercise), but with the state of our sex life at the moment, it would be embarrassing to pole dance for him. I do got to him often for hugs and cuddles, hoping that we could maybe have some sort of sexy encounter (without it leading to sex if he doesn't want it), but he just puts his arms round me and gives me a chaste kiss on the head or cheek. We haven't had a sexual kiss since we got married - we do kiss several times a day, but in a very platonic way.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Have you asked him how often he masturbstes? If he is still masturbating I would ask him if he is willing to stop and to direct his sexual energy toward you. 
I have been through it and it hurts. I would feel the same way. I really think he is either avoiding intimacy and taking care of his own needs or he has low T. 

I would look up articles on the health problems that go along with low T like bone loss, etc and show them to him.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> Have you asked him how often he masturbstes? If he is still masturbating I would ask him if he is willing to stop and to direct his sexual energy toward you.
> I have been through it and it hurts. I would feel the same way. I really think he is either avoiding intimacy and taking care of his own needs or he has low T.
> 
> I would look up articles on the health problems that go along with low T like bone loss, etc and show them to him.


No - he doesn't masturbate (we both work from home and are together practically 24/7) and I don't get the chance to masturbate either due to lack of privacy which is one reason I am aiming to move into the spare bedroom as soon as I can. I really think this is low T, but getting something done about this before we go back to the UK next December is going to be impossible. As I've already said, he refused to see a doctor last December when we were in the UK for a month, so I'm not expecting next time to be any different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was there a particular time when he stopped being sexual? Did anything happen at about that time?

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It 
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Stop-...5203&sr=8-1&keywords=when+men+stop+having+sex


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Was there a particular time when he stopped being sexual? Did anything happen at about that time?
> 
> Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It
> http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Stop-...5203&sr=8-1&keywords=when+men+stop+having+sex


We've only been together just over two years and been married for 15 months. The sex became less frequent once we were married - we didn't have sex on on our honeymoon and have had sex about a dozen times since. At the beginning of last October, we moved home and we had sex the night we moved in and since then the only times we've had sex is when I've reached a point where I'm so frustrated and unhappy with the situation that we have an argument about the lack of sex. We then have sex (usually two nights in a row and it will last quite a while) and then we're back to the normal no-sex until I'm ready to explode again. I'd just like us to have a normal sex life but it seems that he'll only have sex with me when I get to the end of my tether and tell him how unwanted and humiliated I feel about the fact that he doesn't seem to want me. He promises that he does want me and finds me desirable, but shows no evidence of this. 

I've read the Sex Starved Wife and Sex Starved Marriage books to try to find a way of sorting out this problem. I've just downloaded another couple of books on sex and relationships, but me reading books about it doesn't seem to be helping the situation. I just want a proper marriage - I feel like this is like an old-fashioned marriage of convenience. We don't have kids or property that benefit from the marriage but we're both in a situation now where we would find it difficult to make rent payments on two apartments so splitting up would be difficult for both of us. However, I'd like to move into the spare bedroom and get back to feeling more like my old confident single self. If we're having a house mates type relationship, I would rather it be as house mates. It's feeling more and more awkward for me sleeping in the same bed as him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doobie said:


> So, I'm sat at my desk working (after spending a pleasant day in the garden with ND husband building raised beds to try out some straw bale gardening) and he was sat in the kitchen looking at Facebook on his laptop. Then he called me in to watch a video that he'd found on FB of a "bored pole dancer" in an empty club. Yes, it was amazing (I'd love to have a go on one of those poles, it looks brilliant fun) and she was very talented, but not particularly good looking as he pointed out. The point was that I found it offensive that he's sitting there watching a pole dancer being overtly sexual but has no sex drive in our marriage. I've never been the jealous type and this is one of my qualities that he admires. However, with the frustration I feel and the total lack of sex going on in our marriage, I'm starting to feel really pissed off if he looks at scantily clad women online. He's into tattoos and follows lots of FB tattoo pages and will often post a photo of a practically naked tattooed woman to my timeline or his timeline and this is beginning to feel hurtful. I'm now feeling so inadequate as a woman that I'm showing signs of jealousy for the first time ever in my fifties! In fact, it's not even jealousy, it's just a deep hurt that he will notice other women and doesn't touch me from one month to the next. Is this wrong or am I being oversensitive?


Do you dance / strip for him? Do you seduce him? Where something sexy? Like just a shirt that does not cover your bare behind? 

I will not suggest you get a tattoo, but can you try some body paint or something temporary?

Does he have a substance abuse problem? I suggest he see a doctor about possible low T levels.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doobie said:


> No - he doesn't masturbate (we both work from home and are together practically 24/7) and I don't get the chance to masturbate either due to lack of privacy which is one reason I am aiming to move into the spare bedroom as soon as I can. I really think this is low T, but getting something done about this before we go back to the UK next December is going to be impossible. As I've already said, he refused to see a doctor last December when we were in the UK for a month, so I'm not expecting next time to be any different.


Insist he sees a doctor. Do NOT move into the spare bedroom. Make this a dealbreaker. It is for his own good.

This may not be easy for you, but consider masturbating anyway. Maybe using some toys. It might just get him going.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Do you dance / strip for him? Do you seduce him? Where something sexy? Like just a shirt that does not cover your bare behind?
> 
> I will not suggest you get a tattoo, but can you try some body paint or something temporary?
> 
> Does he have a substance abuse problem? I suggest he see a doctor about possible low T levels.


Yes, I've danced for him and stripped for him. Until recently I would wander round the house naked and he will very often make appreciative comments about my body - saying I have a great body, I look fabulous, etc - but he doesn't seem to want to touch it at all! I slept naked until a few weeks ago - after several apologies from him for touching my boobs or bum when he cuddled up to me in the night, I started wearing t shirt and boxers to bed because I felt I was making him uncomfortable. I have a tattoo (which he did, he's an artist/tattooist) and he's body painted me without getting aroused in any way. He's also done a plaster cast of me from the boobs to the groin area without getting aroused by it. He'll look at the cast and say what a great body I have, but he doesn't want sex at all. As for dressing up, yes, I used to wear sexy stuff to bed and it didn't make any difference, other than the fact that I slept wearing really uncomfortable stuff (I would much prefer to sleep naked but have tried the thongs and black lace vests to try to titillate him to no avail). On his birthday last year I put on a fishnet bodystocking that he'd persuaded me to buy only for him to fall asleep as I started to pleasure him.

He has a history of substance abuse, but all that stopped about 15 years ago apart from drinking. Until recently he would drink half a bottle of whisky most evenings but has now cut this down to a bottle a week (he still drinks half a bottle at a time over two evenings, just doesn't drink the other evenings). When he cut down the drinking I thought that might make a difference, but it hasn't. When I think about this carefully, we've never had sex without him having had half a bottle of whisky first - he was always much more likely to want sex when he'd had a drink.

I can insist that he sees a doctor, but that won't be until next December, so I can see me being extremely frustrated by then  . I know he doesn't like it when I sleep in the spare room, so I'm thinking that if I do move in there that will be my leverage in getting him to do something about this and see a doctor. At least I will be able to say that I'm not moving back into our bedroom until he's seen a doctor. I have had some success with this when he wouldn't bathe for weeks on end - I refused to sleep in the same bed as him and I've now managed to get him to bathe once a week or so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

doobie said:


> We've only been together just over two years and been married for 15 months. The sex became less frequent once we were married - we didn't have sex on on our honeymoon and have had sex about a dozen times since. At the beginning of last October, we moved home and we had sex the night we moved in and since then the only times we've had sex is when I've reached a point where I'm so frustrated and unhappy with the situation that we have an argument about the lack of sex. We then have sex (usually two nights in a row and it will last quite a while) and then we're back to the normal no-sex until I'm ready to explode again. I'd just like us to have a normal sex life but it seems that he'll only have sex with me when I get to the end of my tether and tell him how unwanted and humiliated I feel about the fact that he doesn't seem to want me. He promises that he does want me and finds me desirable, but shows no evidence of this.
> 
> I've read the Sex Starved Wife and Sex Starved Marriage books to try to find a way of sorting out this problem. I've just downloaded another couple of books on sex and relationships, but me reading books about it doesn't seem to be helping the situation. I just want a proper marriage - I feel like this is like an old-fashioned marriage of convenience. We don't have kids or property that benefit from the marriage but we're both in a situation now where we would find it difficult to make rent payments on two apartments so splitting up would be difficult for both of us. However, I'd like to move into the spare bedroom and get back to feeling more like my old confident single self. If we're having a house mates type relationship, I would rather it be as house mates. It's feeling more and more awkward for me sleeping in the same bed as him.


I have not read those books. Do they discuss why some men stop having much (sometimes any) sex with their wives? Apparently men are a likely to withhold sex as women are in a long term relationship. This is one thing that most people do not realize.

It sounds like this is how it's always been. It also sounds like your husband is just not a very sexual person. There are people like this, not every man is a horn dog.

This could be a hormonal thing, or it could just be him. 

If it is a hormonal thing, or just his makeup then the two of you are just a mismatch.

I guess that where you live it would be hard to find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. There are ways to make such a mis-match work.. but it would take some guidance and both of you being willing to work on it.

One thing that bothers me is that from what you are saying, it almost sounds like he enjoys taunting you.. and then acts like he's innocent and not taunting you.. just showing you something interesting.

If this is what is going on.. there is a good possibility that he's withholding out of some emotional issue as a passive aggressive way of manipulating you.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I have not read those books. Do they discuss why some men stop having much (sometimes any) sex with their wives? Apparently men are a likely to withhold sex as women are in a long term relationship. This is one thing that most people do not realize.
> 
> It sounds like this is how it's always been. It also sounds like your husband is just not a very sexual person. There are people like this, not every man is a horn dog.
> 
> ...


Thanks EleGirl - he and his first wife were swingers and he seems to see sex as a recreational activity (much the same as sport). It sounds like they had loads of sex (they've been divorced for about 15 years) and he's had a couple of long-term relationships since his divorce. He has said that he's explored his sexuality fully and done all the things he ever wanted to do - so it's not that he's not sexual. As far as this being a passive aggressive way of manipulating me, he always claims to hate passive aggressive type behaviour. I'm thinking that his T levels are practically non existent due to his medication which is why I was so keen for him to see a doctor when we were last in the UK and see if his medication needed changing. I'm not sure if there's any natural way of increasing his levels until we can get back to UK next December.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

doobie said:


> Thanks EleGirl - he and his first wife were swingers and he seems to see sex as a recreational activity (much the same as sport). It sounds like they had loads of sex (they've been divorced for about 15 years) and he's had a couple of long-term relationships since his divorce. He has said that he's explored his sexuality fully and done all the things he ever wanted to do - so it's not that he's not sexual. As far as this being a passive aggressive way of manipulating me, he always claims to hate passive aggressive type behaviour. I'm thinking that his T levels are practically non existent due to his medication which is why I was so keen for him to see a doctor when we were last in the UK and see if his medication needed changing. I'm not sure if there's any natural way of increasing his levels until we can get back to UK next December.



He doesn't bathe for weeks at a time???? Ew! 

He sounds very passive aggressive. 

If you both work from home why are you in another country? Can't you do that work in the UK? I'm just wondering what your situation is. 

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't try to arouse him any more because you are just going to hurt even more. I think he likes to have that power over you, and I think showing you those videos is also very PA. 

Does he show any other borderline personality traits? It's very common for BPs to drastically change their behavior the day after the wedding, including withdrawing sex.

As for hating passive aggressive behavior, so what? He can say that all he wants. It's even more passive aggressive.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doobie said:


> Yes, I've danced for him and stripped for him. Until recently I would wander round the house naked and he will very often make appreciative comments about my body - saying I have a great body, I look fabulous, etc - but he doesn't seem to want to touch it at all! I slept naked until a few weeks ago - after several apologies from him for touching my boobs or bum when he cuddled up to me in the night, I started wearing t shirt and boxers to bed because I felt I was making him uncomfortable. I have a tattoo (which he did, he's an artist/tattooist) and he's body painted me without getting aroused in any way. He's also done a plaster cast of me from the boobs to the groin area without getting aroused by it. He'll look at the cast and say what a great body I have, but he doesn't want sex at all. As for dressing up, yes, I used to wear sexy stuff to bed and it didn't make any difference, other than the fact that I slept wearing really uncomfortable stuff (I would much prefer to sleep naked but have tried the thongs and black lace vests to try to titillate him to no avail). On his birthday last year I put on a fishnet bodystocking that he'd persuaded me to buy only for him to fall asleep as I started to pleasure him.
> 
> He has a history of substance abuse, but all that stopped about 15 years ago apart from drinking. Until recently he would drink half a bottle of whisky most evenings but has now cut this down to a bottle a week (he still drinks half a bottle at a time over two evenings, just doesn't drink the other evenings). When he cut down the drinking I thought that might make a difference, but it hasn't. When I think about this carefully, we've never had sex without him having had half a bottle of whisky first - he was always much more likely to want sex when he'd had a drink.
> 
> I can insist that he sees a doctor, but that won't be until next December, so I can see me being extremely frustrated by then  . I know he doesn't like it when I sleep in the spare room, so I'm thinking that if I do move in there that will be my leverage in getting him to do something about this and see a doctor. At least I will be able to say that I'm not moving back into our bedroom until he's seen a doctor. I have had some success with this when he wouldn't bathe for weeks on end - I refused to sleep in the same bed as him and I've now managed to get him to bathe once a week or so.


Ok, so you have done your part. I get that you even tried the unconfortable outfits. Check. Naked is just fine for most of us BTW. or just a short preview in something sexy that gets taken off readily anyway.

Bathing once a week is not good enough.

Get a hitachi magic wand until then. Do not be quiet about using it. Good luck.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

You say you are together all the time, do you shower together? Lots of men use that time to get off.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

@Oldfaithful, we're not living in the UK as rent is much cheaper where we are and the weather is better, as is the way of life, scenery, etc. It had always been a dream of mine to move overseas and I did so once my two daughters had completed their further education and were settled in good jobs. I moved abroad just after getting in contact with my husband and he followed me here. As for showering together - I bathe every night and he then has my bathwater once or twice a week and bathes after me. I really don't think he's masturbating at all - I truly think that he just never thinks about sex or wants it. He never has a morning erection or anything like that and he never shows any signs of arousal, even when we hug and cuddle.

@Entropy 3000 - I do have a toy - which we've used together on the odd occasion, but not for more than a year now. I do use it on the odd occasion when he goes out on his own and sometimes when he's asleep I'll use it in the bathroom sneakily. Are you suggesting that I use the toy in bed while he's next to me - I'd be dreadfully embarrassed by that. I think masturbating while he lies next to me with no interest in what I'm doing would make it difficult to relax and enjoy it anyway  .

I want to thank everybody who's replied in this thread - I really am at my wits' end with nobody to discuss any of this with and it's making such a difference to me having contact with other people who seem to understand what I'm going through. This problem is making me feel really isolated and lonely right now and this forum is proving to be an important help while I try to keep myself in control. I'm normally such a well balanced person and this has really got me down.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Why don't you have access health care?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We only get emergency health care in other EU countries and neither of us can afford to see a private doctor and have tests done, etc. I had an infection a few weeks ago and needed antibiotics and it ended up costing me the equivalent of a third of a month's rent. I'm working but husband hasn't had much in the way of work lately, so we're quite broke a lot of the time.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

If I were you I think if start looking for a job back home. Is if worth being there if you can't find a job and don't have decent health care? 
I think he's not going to change until he gets his testosterone worked out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

doobie said:


> @Oldfaithful, we're not living in the UK as rent is much cheaper where we are and the weather is better, as is the way of life, scenery, etc. It had always been a dream of mine to move overseas and I did so once my two daughters had completed their further education and were settled in good jobs. I moved abroad just after getting in contact with my husband and he followed me here. As for showering together - I bathe every night and he then has my bathwater once or twice a week and bathes after me. I really don't think he's masturbating at all - I truly think that he just never thinks about sex or wants it. He never has a morning erection or anything like that and he never shows any signs of arousal, even when we hug and cuddle.
> 
> @Entropy 3000 - I do have a toy - which we've used together on the odd occasion, but not for more than a year now. I do use it on the odd occasion when he goes out on his own and sometimes when he's asleep I'll use it in the bathroom sneakily. Are you suggesting that I use the toy in bed while he's next to me - I'd be dreadfully embarrassed by that. I think masturbating while he lies next to me with no interest in what I'm doing would make it difficult to relax and enjoy it anyway  .
> 
> I want to thank everybody who's replied in this thread - I really am at my wits' end with nobody to discuss any of this with and it's making such a difference to me having contact with other people who seem to understand what I'm going through. This problem is making me feel really isolated and lonely right now and this forum is proving to be an important help while I try to keep myself in control. I'm normally such a well balanced person and this has really got me down.


I was suggesting that exactly. And I understand your feelings. I was thinking that you not hide or downplay that you want more sex.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

This is puzzling. But my advice is get a vibrator that makes noise and use it in the same bed with him. Either he will join in, or turn over and go to sleep. If he joins in - all is better. If he turns over and goes to sleep, well, then you have your privacy to do what turns you on.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

The last thing I want to do is return to the UK - I much prefer life where I am. The last ten years I spent in the UK were spent working in a library with no prospect of promotion/advancement and just before I left, despite having had to learn a host of new skills, my job was actually downgraded and I had a paycut. I'm too old to retrain yet again (55) and over the past five years have managed to upgrade my tech skills and create a job for myself as a writer/editor/project manager which is all done remotely via my computer. I'm really proud of this achievement and moving overseas was part of my plan to start "living the dream". I spent the whole of my adult life bringing up kids alone, struggling financially, moving from one rented apartment to the next (often only being able to stay in a home for less than a year). I managed to make sure my girls had a great education and have great prospects in life - they won't need to struggle as I have and that has been the main focus of my life. I really thought that I deserved to spend the later years of my life somewhere more pleasant than the UK where life is easier and cheaper and I can enjoy the sunshine. If I were to move back to the UK, I would have to borrow the money to transport all my stuff back there, then I would have to find a bedsit or studio apartment to live in. I couldn't get my old job back in the library as all staff are currently being made redundant and replaced with volunteers and starting at the bottom again is not an attractive option in my fifties. I would pay twice as much in the UK to rent a studio apartment as I do here to rent a fabulous 2 bedroom house with a huge garden.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Ok, I get it, you want to stay where you are. Fine.

However, this situation sounds very strange indeed. If he can have sex with you two days in a row, then he is not sexless. And if he invites to to watch a pole dancer, then sex is on his mind.

He wants something else from you .. perhaps something you have not thought of yet.

I have to say, your moves to go separate bedrooms, not dress in front of him, not walk around naked. All these seem like they are going to put more distance between you two.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Ok, I get it, you want to stay where you are. Fine.
> 
> However, this situation sounds very strange indeed. If he can have sex with you two days in a row, then he is not sexless. And if he invites to to watch a pole dancer, then sex is on his mind.
> 
> ...


He'll have sex with me two days in a row once every couple of months when the lack of sex has got to the point that I'm really miserable, can't think straight about my work and it's actually affecting the way I behave towards him. As long as I'm happy and friendly towards him all the time, sex just doesn't happen. This is true even if I'm wearing sexy nightwear, stripping in front of him and walking round naked, hugging and kissing him. Unless it gets to the stage where I allow my depression to show through and affect the relationship, we don't have sex - we only do it when I get to the end of my tether and end up practically begging him to be physical with me. I've explained how hurt and humiliated this makes me feel, how it's become a serious threat to the future of our marriage, etc. But I have to go through all of that in order for us to have sex and I'm sick and tired of it. 

He wants me to be happy and smiling and loving all the time and most of the time I am. However, after a few weeks of no sex, I start to get depressed about spending the rest of my life living through these cycles and it affects my moods and my behaviour towards him. I'm generally a pretty sunny sort of person - I take pleasure in the simple things in life, like a flower at the side of the road or the fact that I've spotted a bird of prey we haven't seen before or just the fact that the snow on the mountains behind the house looks awesome in the sunlight. I'm not materialistic in any way - I'm low maintenance in as much as I don't collect shoes, clothes, etc. I hardly ever drink, when we go out I'd rather have a walk on the beach picking up shells than go for an expensive meal - I'm quite easily satisfied in most things.

I'd like a separate bedroom because I'm so conscious of the fact that our marriage is barren that I've started to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed undressing in front of him or getting into bed with him. The peck on the cheek when he says goodnight is excruciating for me - I feel like a kid being kissed by her dad. Being in bed with him just highlights for me the problems that we have and I want to get away from them. Lying there next to him causes me to dwell on the problems, while having a separate room would mean that I can get into bed and be comfortable, read my book for a while and then go to sleep without having a totally uninterested husband next to me. It's got to the stage where I soooo don't want to sleep with him that I'm staying up til 4 am some mornings avoiding getting into bed and feeling so miserable when I do. I used to love getting into bed - one of my favourite times of the day just letting go of everything and totally relaxing. I can't do that any more in bed with him.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Wow, again I see more information about putting distance between you two. Staying up late to not go to bed with him - another distancing move.

This may sound harsh, but it seems like you have already given up. You are starting to get comfortable knowing that the sex is going to be infrequent at best. That the sex is going to be rough and not what you desire. It seems that you have given up and accepted these things. And now it is time to just make yourself comfortable in the same house.

Not being there with you from day to day, it is easy to make suggestions, and tell you that you need to have this checked and do this and that. But, you are actually there living it and dealing with it every minute.

Before you make yourself too comfortable, splitting bedrooms etc. I suggest you take a long hard look at the future. The reason is that it is going to be harder to go back and try to get your needs met by him if you set all this distance between you two. That is, after five or ten years of "being comfortable" and then if you decide a change needs to take place it is going to be very hard.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

If it's not feasible to move back I don't know what your options are. He needs to get his T levels checked. And if they are low he needs to work with a doctor to get them back to a normal level. 
So it sounds like him getting treated medically isn't going to happen. Even if he agrees to see a dr in the UK, they usually want a lot of follow up visits to keep getting the prescription filled. 

I think your first priority then is to make yourself better. If moving into the spare bedroom will do that, do it! And if I were you I would tell him in a very gentle open way why you are doing it. 
He might be able to do some things naturally to increase his T but he has to have the motivation to do so. 
I'm really sorry you are in this situation, but I don't think pretending to be happy or trying to make him happy is going to have any effect on him. You shouldn't have to live like this.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You could just sit down with him and tell him you want sex at least once a week. Make it a date night. 

He is expected to be properly groomed. He can give you a full body massage after you shower.

It can last a while. If he is ready to go then great. If not he should take care of business with his oral talents and make it worth your wait.

Spontaneous sex is awesome. But you may just have to schedule this thing to prime his pump. There is no excuse for him not doing the above for you if he loves you.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow - the support and caring I'm receiving from all you people is absolutely awesome - I really can't tell you how much it's appreciated and what a difference it's making to me not feeling so alone. It's midnight here and I've just finished working (I had some stuff on a tight deadline). I'm about to run a bath (and husband wants to have one after me) and then get to bed earlier than normal. Looking forward to it for a change and feeling much better than I have for days thanks to the kind and thoughtful responses I've had here. Thank you all so much  .


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Well, I hope it turns into a pleasant evening. If he is clean, and you are too, then why not snuggle up.

Just wondering, how open is he to what he wants in the way of sex. Not frequency, but does he describe what he wants? I ask this because I am wondering if the appearance of low sex drive might be due to he is ashamed to ask you for what he really wants to do with you. So he just backs off.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

I was thinking along the lines of Entropy here, but as pointed out, you seem to have covered the bases. With all genuine kindness and sympathy for your situation, my 1st thought was that perhaps he is bored. 

There's only one thing left to do: ask if he's got any ideas about why your efforts to seduce him aren't paying off. In my experience things deteriorate rapidly when spouses aren't communicating.


Good luck
-seahorse




Entropy3000 said:


> Ok, so you have done your part. I get that you even tried the unconfortable outfits. Check. Naked is just fine for most of us BTW. or just a short preview in something sexy that gets taken off readily anyway.
> 
> Bathing once a week is not good enough.
> 
> Get a hitachi magic wand until then. Do not be quiet about using it. Good luck.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

So, we had the talk again four nights ago - I'd just reached the end of my tether and burst into tears at something stupid - I can't even remember what now. He revealed that he just never thinks about sex, never gets hard and never masturbates. However, he did say that he was taking on board the fact that it upsets me so much. He says that he feels that our marriage is intimate and he's happier than he's ever been in his life. He did tell me that he has problems with his teeth (he has false teeth) hurting a lot which is why we never have a snog - when I told him that we haven't had a proper kiss since we got married he was quite surprised. I told him that the kissing doesn't need to be deep kissing, I just would appreciate mashing lips now and again as it's a turn on for me. He has agreed to see a doctor about his T levels when we go to UK in December - he seems to think that a doctor will just prescribe Viagra rather than evaulate the medication he's on and perhaps change it. I also pointed out to him that sex doesn't need to be spectacular marathons every time - I would be more content with some tender and gentle loving - that's what I prefer anyway. Since then, a great big nothing has happened. It seems like the talk was engaged in to shut me up and keep me sweet thinking that he's going to address the situation. He said he does want to rekindle our love life, but saying and doing are two totally different things. On the night we had the talk, I did kind of expect that we may have sex and was pretty horrified to find that when I got into bed, I felt really awkward. I'm not sure now how I will react if and when it finally does happen. It's been 10 weeks since we had sex and I'm now getting worried that if we do try to have sex at any point I will be so aware that he's doing this because I've harassed him into it - not sure how sexy that is going to make me feel. I need to be relaxed and feeling good about myself to really enjoy it and am worried that this has become such a huge issue that the whole thing has been spoilt for both of us.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

stgstyjia said:


> About his lack of desire?


Yes, about his lack of desire. He has admitted that he thinks T levels are low (or non existent) and he has quite a few of the symptoms (tiredness, no erections, no sex drive) and his lilfestyle isn't great. He doesn't exercise, drinks 2 bottles of whisky a week, has 3 sugars in every cup of tea or coffee, doesn't have a particularly healthy diet, etc. I have tried persuading him to exercise (offered to do it with him as I enjoy keeping fit), but he can barely walk up the two sets of stairs to our house without being out of breath and is reluctant to exercise. He's recently cut down his drinking from 3 bottles a week to 2 bottles, but I still think that's far too much to be drinking, even for a healthy person - I rarely drink myself as I'm not very good at it. I've also tried to help him clean up his diet - I'm a strict vegetarian and wholefood eater and know quite a bit about nutrition. I make sure I eat a healthy and balanced diet but he won't eat the food I eat, claims it's rabbit food. Even when I cook meals involving lentils, beans, vegetable casseroles, etc he won't even eat them as a side with his meat. I have many concerns about his health and he keeps promising to adopt a healthier lifestyle, but it doesn't happen, even with my encouragement. How we're going to get past this, I really don't know. I think when we go back to UK next December, he'll get his T levels checked and then just be happy to take prescription meds to raise his levels.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

And perhaps the Dr. will not see low T as hais major problem, and try to address other issues before addressing low T. This might also leave you hanging.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

fightforher said:


> And perhaps the Dr. will not see low T as hais major problem, and try to address other issues before addressing low T. This might also leave you hanging.


What sort of issues is doctor likely to address before T levels?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

doobie said:


> What sort of issues is doctor likely to address before T levels?


Well, for starters, his lack of exercise, and his diet. I can speak from some experience, I had my T checked, but the doctor asked more questions about diet, exercise, and sleep. I never got anything to raise the T level. However I was told that good health was significant. And that proper sleep and rest were also part of it. 

Every doctor is different. But I am just thinking that you may be thinking you are going to walk away with a little prescription and your troubles will be over. But I wanted you to be prepared that the doctor may recommend other treatments.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

fightforher said:


> Well, for starters, his lack of exercise, and his diet. I can speak from some experience, I had my T checked, but the doctor asked more questions about diet, exercise, and sleep. I never got anything to raise the T level. However I was told that good health was significant. And that proper sleep and rest were also part of it.
> 
> Every doctor is different. But I am just thinking that you may be thinking you are going to walk away with a little prescription and your troubles will be over. But I wanted you to be prepared that the doctor may recommend other treatments.


Thank you for the warning - I can't see my H being willing to exercise, give up drinking or change his eating habits - I've been trying to persuade him to do all three for ages with no luck. Looks like we're destined for the big D then - I just can't go on like this. It's affecting our relationship quite severely - I was more content than this when I was single (and got more sex)


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

doobie said:


> rather than evaulate the medication he's on and perhaps change it.


Do you know what he is currently taking?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

He takes Amlodipine, Ramipril, Aspirin, Atenolol, Atorvastatin and Omaprezole on a daily basis.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Does the amlodipine (or any of the other blood pressure meds) contain hydrochlorothiazide? Here they often will combine HCT with another med in a single pill? HCT can cause erection problems (not saying that is your/his biggest problem).


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

CharlieParker said:


> Does the amlodipine (or any of the other blood pressure meds) contain hydrochlorothiazide? Here they often will combine HCT with another med in a single pill? HCT can cause erection problems (not saying that is your/his biggest problem).


Not sure Charlie - will have to research this more fully tomorrow and thank you so much for taking the time to answer here. However, after reading Fightforher's earlier answer, I'm really getting to the point of giving up here - I slept on the sofa last night because I just can't bear to lie next to him in bed feeling so unwanted and undesirable. I really think that separate bedrooms is going to the the only answer for us.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Doobie, 

I did not mean to scare you. Just wanted you to know that a doctor may not just prescribe a hormone because you request it. That the doctor may wish to rule out other causes rather than treat the symptom before trying to solve the actual problem. In addition the doctor will have to examine all the current medication and try to draw some conclusions about what lowers the sex drive.

When you said that he is out of breath just going up two flights of stairs at age 50 to 60 .. that shows me he is also out of shape. And that can influence sex drive as well.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

doobie said:


> He takes Amlodipine, Ramipril, Aspirin, Atenolol, Atorvastatin and Omaprezole on a daily basis.



He takes all of that and he drinks a half a bottle of whiskey every day?


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