# Different sex levels



## BAM (Jul 1, 2013)

I just found this site, and have been looking for some advice to problems I have with my wife in the bedroom.

My wife has never been overly sexual, but after having kids things have gone from okay to terrible. Here are my complaints: she never initiates, she does not like to give or receive oral (she has never liked to receive, only within the last year did she stop giving), she does not want to try new things (and I mean ANYTHING - missionary is only position I get to have sex), absolutely no dirty talk of any kind, no lingerie (I have begged her to do this as I find it sexy; last time she put on any was four years ago with her reason being "it's trashy"), sex is infrequent (1-2 x's per month), and, not surprisingly, she never orgasms anymore (she has refuted this, but I can tell with her "please hurry up and finish" eyes). In short, sex involves her lying there and waiting for me to get done. What's worse is that she never will talk about sex with me and what we can do to make it better for both of us. If I ask her questions, she won't respond. I have asked her what she wants me to do that she likes so she will enjoy sex. The only response I have ever gotten out of her was for me to compliment her more (which I have done, and seen nothing changed). 

I work full time, and my wife works part time (not by choice, but because she also takes care of our kids). I have read on other websites to do more around the house. Since we have been married (6 years ago), I have done 90% of the laundry, 100% of the cooking, and 50% of the cleaning (I actually think that number is higher, but I'll give her the benefit of doing at least half since she does the dishes). Because she complained about the kids being a drain on her emotionally, I have stepped up the last year by doing a lot more caring for them, to the detriment of my own employment. When she said having the kids in the house makes her not want sex, I have found ways to get them out for long periods of time without any success to an increase in sex or a change in her attitude in the bedroom. At one point, we stopped having sex for two months because during sex (not foreplay) she started talking about other things going on. In short, I don't think I can do this any more.

There are other problems in our marriage, but I think this is the main one, because it makes me resent her and puts a strain on our relationship and makes small problems bigger. 

What I would ask those of you who were nice enough to read this is what should I do to make her more open sexually? How can I improve this dismal sex life? We've been married 6 and a half years and I am not going to make it another 6 like this.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. BAM welcome to TAM 

TAM is a great resource to broaden your knowledge. Please, have look at this thread below http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/90154-success-stories-low-drive-high-drive.html it is required reading to get you some ideas about what discussions has been ongoing about the same problem you're facing.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Trying to "do more" in order to "get more" never works. Why?

-- A woman is not attracted to a man that will do housework in order to get sex
-- Housework is not masculine
-- It is like she is giving you hoops and you are jumping through them.... Unattractive

Part of your problem lies with your original choice to tolerate a non performing wife....

Basically what you have to do is:
-- Act in a masculine manner in life
-- Make sure your wife is receiving happiness as a result of being married to you

Part of being masculine is to tolerate only what deserves to e tolerated... So once you step things up as above, the ultimate need for you is to make it clear that she will wind up divorced from you if she continues to be non sexual.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Complete and total dynamic change in order AND having the backbone to stand-up to your wife and hold her accountable.

Basically improve yourself and make you her best option. Also do NOT do an inordinate amount of housework. That will NEVER get her to change.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't know guys... I think it's dead sexy to see a man vacuuming! But it's also dead sexy to see a man who is well dressed, well groomed in good shape, with a sexy confident smile, who is affectionate, loving and not afraid to be demanding!

BAM,don't let your wife off the hook so easily. On the flip side, she may not be aware of the reasons why her libido has nose dived. Women do not compartmentalizes their different roles in life the way men do. We are always what our role is. We don't leave one role behind as we slip into another role. This causes problems similar to what you describe.

I really should have the ready to cut and copy I write it out so much...

A girl becomes a woman, she is now a sexual being whose purpose is(among many other things) to attract a mate. She is interested in sexual chemistry and the close emotional connection sex brings. She becomes a girlfirend... She is a sexual dynamo.

A girlfriend becomes a wife. She is a closeted sexual being now. A wife isn't supposed to be overtly sexual, outside of her husband's presence. She is tamping down her desire for sexual attention in favor of being a "good and faithful wife."

A wife becomes a mother. She has lost her libido almost completely. A mother is NOT a sexual being at all. A mother is pure and chaste and puts the needs of her children before everything. A mother doesn't spend time thinking about having nasty dirty sex with her husband, she thinks about cleaning up the nasty dirty messes her children make.

A mother doesn't have sex, a wife only has sex in the bedroom, a girl friend is a sexual dynamo.

So, you have to get your GIRLFIREND, out of the bedroom, away from the children and enjoying the sexual attention her man brings. Take a long weekend away without the kids to reconnect with the girlfriend, and let her know the purpose is to find the girlfriend and bring her back!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your story is absolutely typical. Dozens, or hundreds of men (and several women) have found themselves shut out by their spouses. What you need to do is try to get your wife attracted to you again.

Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP.

Good luck.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't know guys... I think it's dead sexy to see a man vacuuming! But it's also dead sexy to see a man who is well dressed, well groomed in good shape, with a sexy confident smile, who is affectionate, loving and not afraid to be demanding!
> 
> BAM,don't let your wife off the hook so easily. On the flip side, she may not be aware of the reasons why her libido has nose dived. Women do not compartmentalizes their different roles in life the way men do. We are always what our role is. We don't leave one role behind as we slip into another role. This causes problems similar to what you describe.
> 
> ...


Wow! Great insight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thank you Thound!


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Wow, that sounds like I started this thread. 

Only after 6 years of marriage? That is soon. 

Don't even attempt the "I'm such a caring and attentive husband" routine and turn yourself into the maid, babysitter, and gardener. It's a myth created by daytime TV talk shows. It doesn't work and all you do is create an imbalance in the expected domestic work load. Trust me I've tried it.

One thing that use to work, (years ago), with my wife was when I asked her if she thought another man, a stranger, was attractive. 
I know that sounds weird, but it all started one day when we were waiting for a connecting flight in a large and bustling international airport. 
We had 5 hours to kill in the terminal, I was bored and feeling a bit saucy, so the next fairly attractive man that walked by, I asked my wife quietly and discreetly, "Do you think that man is attractive?"  
My wife gave me a quizzical look and asked why. I just told her that I was curious. 
She studied the man for a moment, and replied, "Sort of". 
I asked her if he was attractive enough for her to sleep with, in a hypothetical situation of course. She said, "No, he doesn't rise to that level". 

It then became a game for me to spot a man that my wife thought attractive enough to sleep with. (hypothetically). 
It was a fun exercise to see if I knew what my wife was physically attracted to in a man. 
She would weed most men out; too short, too thin, too fat, too bald, sloppy dresser, poor grooming, bad posture. However, she surprisingly did admit that she liked the look of a few men enough to give herself sexually too.

Then she got into the spirit of the game, and began picking out women for me to scrutinize sexually. We were laughing and it was extremely fun to see what our spouse's sexual attractions had become over the last 10+ years of marriage, but also it was surprisingly informative. 

The five hour wait just flew by, and when we got to our destination we had one of the best hotel sex sessions we have ever had, and I had no doubt it was due to our people watching game in the airport and the sexually open and honest communication we were able to share. 
That, plus a bit of stranger fantasy thrown in with the mix. 

I have no idea if others have ever done this with their spouses, but it really worked for us. Good luck.


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## devinakbv (Jul 2, 2013)

Also do NOT do an inordinate amount of housework.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

T&T said:


> What's up with the housework thing? I've read it many times.


For men in sexless marriages, housework is probably the #1 excuse their wives give for their lack of libido. So, those men, understandably, start doing more housework to lighten their wives' loads. And when that doesn't work, they do even more housework. Many men end up doing all, or the majority, of the housework and the sex never improves.

That's because women aren't really attracted to men who do lots of housework. We've seen this dynamic play out over and over on this board.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

does your wife know that your marriage is in danger? if not, i think you need to have a heart to heart with her and tell how important sex and intimacy are to you. that you love her and the kids but you feel like roommates and you want more. you deserve more.

you are doing A LOT of housework. yes, kids are a lot of work, but they play and sleep. she is not entertaining them 24/7. I think it is the responsibility of the WAHM or SAHM or part-time working mom or whoever is home most to pull most of the weight for the housework. It really isn't fair that you work all day and have to come home and take care of the house, as well. What exactly does your wife do all do day? How many kids do you have? I think she's taking advantage of you and using the kids as an excuse to not step up and do the housework that she doesn't want to do. I bet you'd switch places with her in a heartbeat for the opportunity to be with your kids so much. And all the housework would be done.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I help with the house work, because my wife works and needs help. I mainly clean the kitchen and pickup after myself. I will some times do some laundry, but I have been forbiden to do her lauandry. Evidently Im not supposed to wash whites and reds together for some reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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