# How can I help my H when i'm in so much pain



## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

This has also been posted elsewhere, with little response... some advice PLEASE!!!

For those of you that don't know my background...
I have a H that suffers severe depression. And used this as his excuse to cheat.

My H depression appears to be getting worse. He says he is happier that he has ever been, but he is lower than he has ever been. In one of my past post I described a very dark meltdown that he had. One which scared me to the core. Very disturbing event.

He had another "moment" last week, one that was not quite as bad. But still very confronting. This time he has finally agreed to seek help, and get counselling.

I have been having a very hard time of late, I'm trying to keep my marriage together, keep my H in a safe state of mind, keep my kids happy, work full time, and deal with my own pain of my H betrayal.

I am at a complete loss. I am exhausted. I am not cut out to deal with his depression. I have tried to tell him, I can't help him if he won't help himself. He has now agreed to counselling, but saying he will do it and actually doing it, are too different things.

My main concern at this time is.... I have caught my H, lying to me several times since he cheated. Only small stuff, but how does he expect me to believe it's only little lies. It's like he wants me to believe that he only lies about certain things, but not about the big stuff... like cheating for eg.

Last night we had a fight, primarily because of my insecurities, and partly because I caught him in another lie. He told me he can't deal with my "crap" (being my broken heart brought on by his cheating). He feels my emotional state is adding to his stress. I have spent the past 5 months trying to push my hurt aside to help him. But all's I have done is magnified my pain. I haven't dealt with it properly.
Everything I have asked of him, has been denied. Or he lies and says he will do certain things, then does the opposite.

I know my H has an illness, and I know he needs my support. But I'm tired of being his emotional punching bag. I have so many issues of my own, and so many needs, that just aren't being met. I'm on the verge of tears ALL the time. He has hurt me more than I ever thought would be possible. And I am.. Once again.. expected to put my feelings and needs aside to help him. How can I do both?

He says he loves me, then he has a "moment" and it undoes any progress I feel we have made. I don't want to make his depression any worse. But his depression effects us all. And I have to deal with it on top of everything else. I just don't have the strength. His depression has been going on for years now. How do I believe he is now... finally... going to get the help he needs.

And if I was to be completely honest (be gentle with me here), I am worried that he will come out of counselling with the realisation that it actually is me that makes him depressed. How would I handle that. I would be devastated to discover, that all this time, his illness was my fault.

My H makes me feel worthless, disgusting and repulsive. Not by his words (he says all the right things) but by his actions. Maybe I'm the one depressed!

Has anyone got any clue as to what I am trying to say? I don't know how to handle depression, without making it worse. He says I can't take it personally... but how else do I take it.
I need some help and advice. I can't support us all any more.
I am shattered and alone... in my H dark world!


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## trailblazingwoman (Jan 9, 2010)

Dear exhausted supporter of a husband with depression.

Let’s start some action here to get you out of this situation that is exhausting you. Let’s do this before you too find yourself in a state of depression due to your exhaustion, frustration, hurt and fear. 

I too support a husband who suffers with bouts of depression. Through the care of a psychologist I found some very important keys to help me manage my situation more effectively. I would like to share a couple of these with you if that’s okay with you.

1.	Do not try to travel this journey on your own. Please, right now, reach out for the appropriate professional support and counselling that you need. Talk to your general practitioner, get a referral to a psychologist who specialises in depression within relationships. Stop putting everyone else first and take care of yourself and get your own life back into a state of energy and confidence. It is time for you to create around you a network of support and only you can do this for yourself. The moment you start to reach out for professional care, you will be amazed at what opens up for you and the support and understanding that you will receive. Do not delay in taking this action.
2.	So you are tired of being your husband’s emotional punching bag…. Great. I know that feeling well. You have reached a point in your relationship where you are now going to draw a boundary. You are no longer going to choose to be your husband’s “rescuer”. Showing love, understanding and compassion is very different to taking on the role of being your husband’s “rescuer” and counsellor. Let go of this role. Step back from it. Leave this to the experts because I discovered I actually did not have within me all the answers to the frustrations and emotional turmoil my husband was experiencing. 
3.	Stop turning yourself inside out and upside down in your efforts to please your husband. This only leaves you empty and exhausted. Instead focus on yourself and your well-being, accept the fact that it is not your role to rescue your husband and move on with your life knowing that when your husband receives medical care it will begin to make a difference in a positive way
4.	Look after your own wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children. The best way to do this is to have someone walk the journey with you to give you wise counsel, guidance, strategies and support so that your levels of anxiety are diminished and your self-esteem, confidence and emotional energy are restored.
5.	It is natural for males to not want to admit they are in need of help and they certainly do not want to be labelled as having depression. The stigma in society on this is still strong, so your husband will be avoiding this as much as possible. Please understand this. He will naturally look for something or someone else to blame for his situation rather than take responsibility for it. 
6.	You are not to blame for this. This is not your fault. Remember this and allow these thoughts to sink deeply into your mind and heart
7.	Don’t try to “handle depression” and be all things to all people. You are at a very sensitive point of your relationship. I am not surprised you are beginning to wonder if you are the one who is depressed. This is very normal when you are exhausted from supporting a husband with depression. I know – I have experienced this myself. This is why it is vitally important for you to let go of “trying”, let go of “rescuing”, and get some help quick smart!

I hope these comments have helped you to feel a little more supported and given you some guidance in relation to the action you can take to firstly help yourself, take care of your family and gain the strength and wisdom you need to know how to effectively manage your situation.

Take care and take action!

Regards
Christine McRae
The Trail Blazing Woman
Trail Blazing Woman


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