# Coping with Falling off the Pedestal



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I may have been naive but I really thought my husband had me up on a pedestal. He seemed to cherish me, fought really hard to get me back when I left him a few years ago (not due to infidelity) and seemed "proud" of me (looks, accomplishments etc.). He always bragged about how great his sex life was and always maintained he only had eyes for me.

So, to found out that he was talking, texting, exchanging pics with another woman (and bashing me to her) was completley and utterly devastating to me. 

To be honest I believe that I took him for granted. I took the fact that I was on a pedestal for granted and obviously wasn't meeting his emotional needs. The scary thing for me is that he always expressed that his sexual needs were most important. Basically I thought if I kept him happy in that area that I was "safe" from him straying. I work full time, am in school full time at night and basically haven't been around a lot. However, as exhausted as I was (and still am) every night I still made time for sex at least 3-4 times per week. That is a decrease from his usual 6-7 nights per week but I think most men would happy with that? Plus, I skipped class a lot to come home and just spend time with him. So, I'm feeling like WTF more could I have done???

I don't even care that I caught his EA before it became a PA. The loss of trust in him and in my own judgment is devastating. I am just lost right now. I know you all understand that. I feel almost gulity being so angry about the EA and ready to throw him out over it when others have worked through PA's and more intimate EA's. 

How do you ever feel secure again? How do you believe your spouse ever again? How do you know if this is truly a deal breaker or if time is all it will take? How do you know they won't stray again while you nurse your wounds and cut them out while trying to deal with this pain? BTW- if I didn't have 2 small kids I am sure I would be done with this relationship...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Crazytown said:


> How do you ever feel secure again? How do you believe your spouse ever again? How do you know if this is truly a deal breaker or if time is all it will take? How do you know they won't stray again while you nurse your wounds and cut them out while trying to deal with this pain? BTW- if I didn't have 2 small kids I am sure I would be done with this relationship...


First of all, your children should NOT be a reason to force yourself to continue in a marriage that you want to end.

Second, your healing comes first above the healing of your marriage. Infidelity is traumatic and you must seek help from a trained therapist who specializes in helping victims of infidelity and stress disorders to heal completely.

Third, convey to your husband that until further notice the fate of the marriage is on probationary status. This will let him know that you are NOT going to allow his EA to be swept under the rug. Also, it will take any pressure you may put on yourself to force a decision for which you may not be ready.

Fourth, consider reading this:

*3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger*
*Cheated On, Tortured by Images*
*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40190-feeding-affair-image-beast.html#post593486*

And your husband reading this:

*How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Crazytown, I'm so sorry about your situation.

I had my ex-wife on a pedestal for most of her life. We've known each other for thirty-five years and were divorced a little more than a week ago because of her infidelity. Because of this, I made a commitment to myself that I would never again put anyone up on a pedestal.

I don't know why you left your husband, but I suspect that when you did he made a similar commitment to himself. I'm not placing blame on you because I don't know the details of your situation. I will say this, however. You really don't want to be on a pedestal. It can be a lonely place and give you a distorted view of how a relationship should be.

I was 'fortunate' to get sex from my wife once a week -- if I was lucky. Unless you guys are newlyweds, which I don't think you are, sex 6-7 nights a week is a lot of boot knocking. Three to four nights a week sounds fine to me. I don't think that he strayed because of lack of sex. Don't blame yourself for his moral deficiency. He owns it. Not you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex is a huge deal with guys but beware anyone who tells you that's the most important thing they want from the relationship. Also, if he's bragging to other people about your sexual prowess, that's not flattering, that's a breach of intimacy. Probably every woman on earth has heard their man say "I only have eyes for you" and every guy who said it was lying. I may believe my wife's the most beautiful one of the bunch, but I do notice the rest of them. Even if she weren't, there better be something more durable than looks, achievements, or sex keeping a relationship going. All that stuff can change in an instant. Apart from his relationship with you, is he an honorable guy? Does he keep his word? Does he consistently show empathy and respect for the feelings and opinions of others? Whether you can trust a guy or not has little to do with what you look like but it has everything to do with his basic character. That is something that was established long before you laid eyes on him. Who was your husband's primary male role model while was growing up? How did that man treat his wife? That would be the clearest picture you'll ever get of what you can expect in your future.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Sorry you are here, I feel with you and know the feelings and thoughts you have and probably will get to further down the road.

Are you absolutely sure it didn't get physical?

I put my wife on a pedestal and thought of our relationship as something rare and unique. I remember telling my colleagues that if there were a competition in having the most perfect life, I would take the first prize - way ahead of number two...

Man... do I feel stupid today? Caught my wife in a 9 months PA with a friend of the house. I feel so humiliated and worthless. Worked my a$$ off to provide for her and our two kids, so she could work part time and have time with the kids... yeah right.

I think one of the hardest things to get through in the process is accepting deep in my heart, that none of us are perfect, and neither was our marriage. I was sooo blinded. Realizing that we have flaws, make mistakes, make bad judgements and discissions - that is tough to accept when you thought the exact opposite. 

Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault. Start to see things for what they really are and accept that there are no pedestals lasting forever. This process has taken me a long time, about a year, but i am starting to let go of my anger and disappointment now. Looks like it has been replaced with a sense of sadness from time to time though.

Take time to process your feelings and get real about the vulnerability of your relationship - and talk... a lot. Oh, and do read some of the stories here - quite amazing how many people are living their lives on a lie. A lot of support to get here at the forum.

Good luck to you, I do hope that your husbond takes responsibility.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You made time for him in your life and your heart. He made time to cheat on you when you weren't checking up on him. He is undeserving of your trust. Insist on full transparency and verify his behavior if you want to work it out. No one would blame you for leaving him; don't stay for the kids. Does he even feel bad about what he's done? If he's not actively trying to win back your trust, then he'll just do this again and you should leave him for it. Who knows what else he is hiding? You cant babysit him everyday and do you really want to be with someone you can't trust?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Crazytown said:


> II feel almost gulity being so angry about the EA and ready to throw him out over it when others have worked through PA's and more intimate EA's.


Everybody is different. For some of us an affair, whether EA or PA or a combination of both, is a deal breaker. And for others it is not. It doesn't make one group better than the other. What matters is that you do some serious soul searching as to which group you belong to because whether you R or D, you will have to make peace with the choice you ultimately make.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thank you all for the advice, comfort and wisdom. 
Thank you for the links morituri. I will be printing off the one for him to take to his IC. 

He does seem remorseful and transparent. However, he keeps continuously screwing things up (see Friday's post lol). I actually believe that he is not doing that maliciously. I think he is just very dense! And, I am not sure yet if there is anything left for me here...

And no, I don't want to have to verify his wherabouts constantly or check up on him. I won't do it. If I have to do that I will completely end the marriage.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

morituri said:


> Third, convey to your husband that until further notice the fate of the marriage is on probationary status. This will let him know that you are NOT going to allow his EA to be swept under the rug. Also, it will take any pressure you may put on yourself to force a decision for which you may not be ready.
> 
> [/COLOR][/B][/URL]


:iagree:This is exactly what I am doing. Thank you!


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> I find the idea that sex is something one gets from the other in a relationship to be the problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a whole other problem... I feel obligated to have sex with him because of his insane drive. It was the complete focus of our last round of MC a few years back. Obviously, not resolved.:scratchhead:

All pleasure and enjoyment is taken out of the equation when it is just done to try to keep him happy...


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

BTW- if I didn't have 2 small kids I am sure I would be done with this relationship... 
B done.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> This is a whole other problem... I feel obligated to have sex with him because of his insane drive. It was the complete focus of our last round of MC a few years back. Obviously, not resolved.:scratchhead:
> 
> All pleasure and enjoyment is taken out of the equation when it is just done to try to keep him happy...


Insane drive? How old is your H, 75?


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

No, about 30 years younger. But, he would like it 3 times per day, every day of the week. To me that is insane. I think 3 times per week when I'm at work/school 15 hours per day 5 days per week is a nice compromise on my part...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> No, about 30 years younger. But, he would like it 3 times per day, every day of the week. To me that is insane. I think 3 times per week when I'm at work/school 15 hours per day 5 days per week is a nice compromise on my part...


Sounds like a healthy, normal 19 year old. I would love to have that level of test, again.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Yeah but he's almost 50! lol... Keep hoping for the decline...


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> No, about 30 years younger. But, he would like it *3 times per day*, every day of the week. To me that is insane. I think 3 times per week when I'm at work/school 15 hours per day 5 days per week is a nice compromise on my part...


Are U sure it's the case? Often it FEELS like it's the case to you, and to him it FEELS like he would like it to be that way, since he is "just" having sex about 3 times a week. Studies have been made on these differenses in perceptions.

Have you actually talked about it and reached some sort of an agreement or shared understanding?

These were just random thoughts triggered by your assesment


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