# New & in need of advice



## Liz4

Hi everyone! New member here looking for some advice 🙋🏽‍♀️ Normally, I’m a one-person-team kind of woman, but I’ve been having a hard time gaining perspective on my current situation.

I am newly engaged since April 2021 and will have been dating my now fiancé for 4 years this coming September.

We recently came upon a problem in which I found out he lies to me about certain things because he’s “afraid of how I will react.” Now I know some people think little lies are not a big problem in relationships, but I am an honest person myself so I have made it clear with my fiancé that I do not like being lied to as I feel it’s a form of lack of respect towards the person you’re lying to.

My fiancé is not one to mention things to me no matter how many times I’ve told him I would appreciate it if he would. For example, going out to lunch with coworkers, hanging out with coworkers outside of work, giving coworkers rides so I know he’s getting home later, etc. However, if I do ask him questions, he does answer them. He just doesn’t see the point of bringing things up that “might just upset me.” For example, he admitted to me that he had a work crush, which didn’t bother me until I found out he tried to cyberstalk this crush and he described his curiosity as an “infatuation.” He later clarified that it all simply meant he thought she was pretty and therefore wanted to get to know her. I told him that while I cannot control whether he sees her at work or not, that his intentions on the matter did not sit well with me. Fast forward - my fiancé went out to dinner with a group of coworkers and only decided to mention that he was out when he was already at dinner despite the days it took for them to plan it. (We were long distance at the time, NOT living together, so our primary mode of communication was texting). I later found out that his work crush attended dinner. He told me “I didn’t know she was coming.” So I said fine, whatever. Later on, he tells me they’ve exchanged numbers because their coworkers made a group chat. Again, I said fine, whatever. Fast forward some more - I found out that my then boyfriend actually gave his work crush a ride to that dinner he went to. This made it all the more suspicious as to why he didn’t mention these plans beforehand and why he lied to me saying he didn’t know this girl was going to be there. I then started to question what else might’ve happened that night since he also gave her a ride home - information I knew nothing about since he lied to me about anything that had to do with her.

I made it clear with him that I would have preferred if he told me everything beforehand as I wouldn’t have been mad or as mad about the situation. I also reinstated the fact that I do not like being lied to as it leads to having secrets and trust issues.

Fast forward - I found out he had given her a ride home from work a couple more times because I would find face masks in his car that weren’t his, all times in which was never mentioned to me as it occurred. I found out they’ve even gone to lunch together at work, another piece of information that wasn’t mentioned to me. I also happened to find out that they even take their breaks together at work by hanging out in his car - I found out because we were going out somewhere and when he opened his car door for me, he reached in for something real quickly and stashed it in the back seat (long story short, it was done in a very suspicious manner). I later confronted him about it and he admitted that it was THAT girl’s face mask she had left in his car during this break and he was afraid that if I saw it (again on top of other occasions) that I would get mad again. 

Now, for all of you still reading up to this point, I have made it very clear how uncomfortable them hanging out together makes me because this is his work crush who he lied to me about before (the dinner situation) and multiple times up to now in this pa.

Fast forward - I find out this girl texts my fiancé in ways that I find inappropriate. For example, she sends him memes that are couple-based, she sends him heart emojis and other wanna be cute emojis that I don’t feel is appropriate to be sending to someone who isn’t your partner, especially depending on the context. I was even more upset when I found out my fiancé was sending heart emojis back (I feel this allowed the woman to think it’s okay to flirt with a taken man because he was flirting back). I confronted him about it again in which he FINALLY tells me that this woman actually had a boyfriend all this time. (There is proof that she does, but I feel like it was mentioned oh so suspiciously). He admits his wrongdoings and tells me he didn’t realize it at the time, but had the situation been reversed, he also wouldn’t like these things done to him.

Fast forward to today - we haven’t had any recent issues regarding my fiancé’s work crush, but I went to his work today to purchase something and while there, I ran into him. When I did, he was with THAT girl and a couple more other coworkers, but for some reason, seeing them next to each other did not sit well with me. Especially when I approached their direction, they all decided to disperse except for him because he knew I was walking to him, but I noticed the way that girl looked at my fiancé as if waiting for him to go with her, whichever direction she was gonna go. But she didn’t know he would stay there because I needed to talk to him, so she eventually walked away. This girl has never met me so I doubt she knows what I look like, so I don’t think she realized that that was me. (She does know my fiancé is engaged though.) 

A couple minutes later, my fiancé and I were walking towards a specific spot at his workplace and we happened to find his group of coworkers (including THAT girl) also in that spot. I grabbed the item I needed to show my fiancé while his coworkers basically awkwardly surrounded us and in the 3 minutes I was there, I was hoping for some sort of introduction to any of his coworkers, most especially to THAT girl, but there was none. Also, while his coworkers all approached me and smiled at me, THAT girl seemed to turn away in an awkwardly shy manner, almost hiding her face from my view, which I found very suspicious. The feeling I simply had being in this situation was uncomfortable, almost as if I was the one doing the third-wheeling in my own relationship, which I’m sure nobody likes to ever feel that way about their own relationship.

I have mentioned to my fiancé in the past that I would feel more comfortable about his coworkers if I were at least introduced, especially the female ones he seems to be so close to (as this coworker isn’t the first instance my fiancé has lied to me about a woman at his work).

My fiancé throughout these findings has constantly told me I had nothing to worry about, but with the multiple lies about this specific woman who definitely isn’t shy when it’s just my fiancé around apparently, my gut feeling has led me to think and overthink this whole situation. I know my fiancé is growing tired of me bringing it up, asking questions, but as a woman, I KNOW we are not supposed to just ignore our gut feeling. Might I add that my fiancé has admitted to me that sometimes he is afraid of his own temptations when around other women, but that he fights them off, but in the times I’ve confronted him about other women and he grows irritated even though he didn’t cheat on me, he said that he’s had thoughts of doing it simply to make me feel like “well there, you keep thinking I’ll cheat so now you actually have reason to think it.” While I appreciated him sharing his honest feelings, that was still scary to hear. 

Am I in the wrong to keep bugging my fiancé about whether there is something happening still that he’s just not telling me anything about? Any advice on how else to approach this situation? Any commentaries from a male-based perspective on whether I should be concerned with my fiancé in this situation?


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## Mr.Married

My opinion is he is absolutely interested in that girl. He is already investing time and emotional energy in her. You know in your gut that something isn’t right. To me you sound too desperate and will accept his bad behavior because you want to get married. This is no way to start a marriage and in my opinion there is only more of this to come.... married or not.

Long Distance Relationships are not true representations of relationships. They are make believe fairy tales where you get to fabricate 50 percent in your head instead of reality


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## Andy1001

Here’s what I want you to do. Read your post as if it was a friend writing it. What would you advise her to do?
Your fiancée is cheating on you with this girl and his colleagues know. The fact that he didn’t introduce you to them speaks volumes.


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## Liz4

Mr.Married said:


> My opinion is he is absolutely interested in that girl. He is already investing time and emotional energy in her. You know in your gut that something isn’t right. To me you sound too desperate and will accept his bad behavior because you want to get married. This is no way to start a marriage and in my opinion there is only more of this to come.... married or not.
> 
> Long Distance Relationships are not true representations of relationships. They are make believe fairy tales where you get to fabricate 50 percent in your head instead of reality


I appreciate your honesty.

I should clarify that we WERE long distance up until we got engaged. We have been living together for the past 2 months and I must admit, I definitely thought our level of communication about this topic was better now that we can discuss in person instead of over the phone, however, as I’ve stated, I’ve come to realize he is able to lie without me even realizing. Of course I had thoughts, assumptions, and doubts, which I have to admit led me to checking his phone. (I know it’s wrong of me to invade his privacy, but I needed answers which he clearly wasn’t giving me honest ones at first). Which is how I found out most of those things I stated in my original post. He always knew once I confronted him though, which he said is how I should know/be able to believe that he doesn’t have anything to hide because I could check whenever I wanted to.

I do want to mention that I am actually in no rush to get married. He seems more in a rush than I am. We have no set date and if anything, no wedding within the next couple of years due to financial and school reasons (I want to become an RN). So while I know I sound like I’m accepting his bad behavior for these specific reasons, I am honestly just torn between deciding if “this is not how relationships should be” and “relationships aren’t always perfect.”

I’m sure I’m not the only person who has been torn between deciding when to walk away or when to believe that you must have patience and forgiveness when in a relationship.


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## Liz4

Andy1001 said:


> Here’s what I want you to do. Read your post as if it was a friend writing it. What would you advise her to do?
> Your fiancée is cheating on you with this girl and his colleagues know. The fact that he didn’t introduce you to them speaks volumes.


That was really good advice, thank you. I did read through it again from that perspective and yes, I would definitely be that friend to say “you deserve better, it’s his loss, you need to walk away.” However (and I’m sure you will think I sound stupid), but this is not entirely who my fiancé is. No, what this story conveys is definitely not his best trait, but believe me when I say he does have good traits. I have only been dating him for 4 years, but I have known this man for over 10 years. In those years that I’ve known him, I have only known him to be a good man. An overly friendly and flirty character, yes, but if I’m being honest, I also have that same personality. The difference is I know when to draw the line of flirting.

And also, I haven’t found any real evidence that he IS cheating on me. I have asked him very directly if he has ever physically cheated on me and THATS when he told me that he has had thoughts and temptations but he would fight them off.


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## frenchpaddy

I THINK he has become friends with his work mates and there is nothing going on , 
I think yes at one point he had interest in this woman at work and that she rejected him but managed to stay friends , 
He wants to get married as he has his life set and your life is in a different place , 
you are RIGHT to not be in a hurry to get married but wrong if your demanding where he is all the time but if he is getting home late he should tell you 
he should even send you a sms or call you to say he will be late because he is with his friends 
to me it looks like he has put his friendships on a higher level not out of any meaning just that he is taking you for granted


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## frenchpaddy

Liz4 said:


> That was really good advice, thank you. I did read through it again from that perspective and yes, I would definitely be that friend to say “you deserve better, it’s his loss, you need to walk away.” However (and I’m sure you will think I sound stupid), but this is not entirely who my fiancé is. No, what this story conveys is definitely not his best trait, but believe me when I say he does have good traits. I have only been dating him for 4 years, but I have known this man for over 10 years. In those years that I’ve known him, I have only known him to be a good man. An overly friendly and flirty character, yes, but if I’m being honest, I also have that same personality. The difference is I know when to draw the line of flirting.
> 
> And also, I haven’t found any real evidence that he IS cheating on me. I have asked him very directly if he has ever physically cheated on me and THATS when he told me that he has had thoughts and temptations but he would fight them off.


I am happy that you responded in this way as I was thinking he is not cheating but taking you for granted as he has his friends you are new to the area and you only have him , 
are you living together have both out any thing in relationship to how you want to live and where you want to go , 
you talk about marriage what does he see in both of you getting married 
what do you see as important , 

I think you might want two different things in life , 
and that you need to work out are the compatible


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## Liz4

frenchpaddy said:


> I THINK he has become friends with his work mates and there is nothing going on ,
> I think yes at one point he had interest in this woman at work and that she rejected him but managed to stay friends ,
> He wants to get married as he has his life set and your life is in a different place ,
> you are RIGHT to not be in a hurry to get married but wrong if your demanding where he is all the time but if he is getting home late he should tell you
> he should even send you a sms or call you to say he will be late because he is with his friends
> to me it looks like he has put his friendships on a higher level not out of any meaning just that he is taking you for granted


Thank you for your thoughts. 
I would like to reinstate that this woman does have a boyfriend and yet she’s the one who initiates the flirty texting with my fiancé. Ever since I confronted my fiancé about the inappropriate texts exchanged between them, he has done well in either ignoring her or shutting her down when she says inappropriate things or acts inappropriately towards him through text. I would also like to add that before today, the last time my fiancé gave her a ride home, he DID let me know ahead of time. I don’t ask him where he is all the time, just that he lets me know if he’s giving people rides and will be home late. I never tell him he can’t give his coworkers (male or female) a ride home because sometimes they get out of work late and in the world we live in today, I would prefer my fiancé can give his coworkers rides home instead of just letting them walk/take public transportation and risk something bad happening.

You say that he is taking me for granted and I also feel that way, especially over the situations that have occurred and in the past, me constantly having to forgive and repeat things to him. Any suggestion on how I can approach this topic of conversation?


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## Diana7

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I can see so many red flags here. This man isn't marriage material. He has poor boundaries with women, I mean sitting in the car with her in their breaks?!?!. Plus he lies and lies and lies about her, the things he has done with her, giving her lifts etc. Even saying that he has thought of cheating so that you REALLY have something to worry about. Cyberstalking her, being interested in another woman before her. Good grief. 
I would say the chances of him being faithful in your married life are about 1%, and he has already shown you that he lies very easily and that won't stop. 
You are setting yourself up for misery and even if he is nice in other ways that's irrelevant if you want an honest faithful husband.


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## frenchpaddy

it is good that he is putting boundaries I don't like that this coworker is sending this type texts / messages , 

men often say when they are single it is hard to get a girl to be interested in them but once they have a girlfriend it is like as if they become the hottest guy around 
men put it down to women seem to think if other girls don't want him there must be something wrong with him but the fact he is with a girl makes him more attractive to them 

he seems to be going out of his way to be a good guy to his work mates , sometimes this goes too far .
people do take advantage, 

he needs to show you that he can put more distance between him and this woman at work seems to be something on both sides if he is spending time in the car with just her , 
for me the only reason


Liz4 said:


> You say that he is taking me for granted and I also feel that way, especially over the situations that have occurred and in the past, me constantly having to forgive and repeat things to him. Any suggestion on how I can approach this topic of conversation?


to have a work mates contacts is to pass info about what is needed the next day or next shift , once it starts to get outside work it is not good , 

you bring up the subject and as you said before that you have often talked about this to him and he is backing off but there is no good way in telling someone this 
as he seems to be a bit to silly to see that his work mates are using him or that they have played on tin ice with inappropriate messaging , 
as far as I know this is against companies rules in the USA and he could be out of a job for it 

there is 2 things going on here if he wants to have a relationship with you and keep his job 
he needs to change his relationship with his work mates and that woman 
it is good to have a good atmosphere in work but stay within the norm of work friends 
not buddy friends , he needs to have friends outside work , 

even if you brake up he needs to know work relationships have tighter boundaries than mates out side of work and he has gone way past all of them .
you know him with 10 years you have grown up together and he knows what he is doing is not right 

I would tell him from the point of his work if he does not pull back from this woman he could be out of a job and tthat it is not just you been jealous
I am not saying you are in fact I think you have except to much


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## Benbutton

Liz4 said:


> but this is not entirely who my fiancé is.


Oh oh oh oh....yes it is.

...and you're engaged to this guy why?? It certainly can't be for his over abundance of intestinal fortitude and honesty.


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## Blondilocks

Don't even contemplate marrying a liar. Whether it is upfront or by omission. He is immature and lies to you so he can do exactly what he wants with no regard for you. Let him chase after the girl and all of the other girls who catch his fancy.


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## Openminded

Go with “this is not how relationships should be”.

You need to rethink him as a partner. Problems rarely improve after marriage when boredom sets in.


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## BigDaddyNY

He's lying and cheating before you are even married. Do you really think that will change after marriage? That seems like a deal breaker to me.

You seem to be set on staying with him though In my opinion the very least that needs to happen is he cut off all non-work contact with this person. No texts, no breaks together, no social gatherings, no rides, period. Really it should go even further, he should find another job. He's openly said he had feelings for her and went so far as to "stalk" her and hid the extent of his contact with her. I would trust nothing between the two of them.


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## Ursula

Openminded said:


> Go with “this is not how relationships should be”.
> 
> You need to rethink him as a partner. Problems rarely improve after marriage when boredom sets in.


I agree with this, and have lived through it, @Liz4. When I was dating the guy who would become my husband, I felt like the luckiest gal on Earth. I even told girlfriends that I couldn't believe that I'd found someone who was on the same page as me on everything major. I was excited to be his wife. Looking back now, there were so many red flags that I missed or chose to ignore, and they greatly affected us and our marriage. Our marriage lasted nearly 4 years, but for me, it was done a couple of years before it was actually done. 

Pay attention to any and all red flags, see how they make you feel, and listen to your gut. Reading your posts and how your fiance is, personally, I would run; this isn't a person who is marriage material, he has no respect for you and doesn't care for you or your feelings. He may say he does, but his actions speak otherwise. If he did care about and respect you, he would be willing to meet halfway with communication, and stop doing things that hurt you. He isn't, therefore I would cut him free.


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## Liz4

For everyone who has responded, thank you all so much for your feedback and advice. I absolutely appreciate all of it. And as I’ve been in your shoes, I know how annoying it can be to give advice from an outside perspective where the answer should be straight and simple (in my case, I need to leave my fiancé), however, it’s harder to think that way when the situation is my own and it is my own shoes I am standing in. I want to touch on the topics of change and forgiveness. Do any of you think that my fiancé could change? Maybe with better communication, more patience, etc? Or do you guys think “a man will do what he wants to do for a woman, she shouldn’t have to ask”? Have any of you witnessed real change from someone and what led to that change? 

I am fully aware that our current situation is not marriage material, which I guess is a good thing we are only engaged and I am able to rethink marriage decisions. But, I am also fully aware that marriage is not always filled with ideal situations and that aside from loving someone, marriage is also a choice to go through challenges with someone and get past the obstacles even stronger than before. Thoughts on this belief?
I grew up wanting that “love me forever” type of belief, like any young girl who wants their high school sweetheart to be THE ONE, but I feel with age came experience and my belief changed to thinking it isn’t always going to be love, love, love and sometimes, it has to be a choice.


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## Mr.Married

Liz4 said:


> For everyone who has responded, thank you all so much for your feedback and advice. I absolutely appreciate all of it. And as I’ve been in your shoes, I know how annoying it can be to give advice from an outside perspective where the answer should be straight and simple (in my case, I need to leave my fiancé), however, it’s harder to think that way when the situation is my own and it is my own shoes I am standing in. I want to touch on the topics of change and forgiveness. Do any of you think that my fiancé could change? Maybe with better communication, more patience, etc? Or do you guys think “a man will do what he wants to do for a woman, she shouldn’t have to ask”? Have any of you witnessed real change from someone and what led to that change?
> 
> I am fully aware that our current situation is not marriage material, which I guess is a good thing we are only engaged and I am able to rethink marriage decisions. But, I am also fully aware that marriage is not always filled with ideal situations and that aside from loving someone, marriage is also a choice to go through challenges with someone and get past the obstacles even stronger than before. Thoughts on this belief?
> I grew up wanting that “love me forever” type of belief, like any young girl who wants their high school sweetheart to be THE ONE, but I feel with age came experience and my belief changed to thinking it isn’t always going to be love, love, love and sometimes, it has to be a choice.


Like I said .... your too desperate.

Liz1, Liz2, and Liz3 all learned the hard way ...


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## Diana7

A man who had done the things your fiance has before you are even married is very unlikely to change. Sadly I think you will overlook all the red flags and probably marry him, and end up back here or on another marriage forum telling your sad story of more lies and more cheating.
He has shown you who he is already, you are in denial.


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## Blondilocks

Your fiance isn't a pair of shoes that will fit better once they are broken in. He is fully formed and has been informed multiple times by you that lying isn't acceptable and you don't like his girlfriend. This is his character and if he hasn't changed for the better by now, he isn't going to.

Stop with the what ifs. No one has a crystal ball - all anyone has to go on is his behavior to date. That tells you all you need to know. Geez, even his coworkers know he is stepping out on you.


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## frenchpaddy

good job when you got engaged that you moved to where he is and found out what was going on , 
can men change we all change in many ways there is no guarantee in what way , but normally you see our best before marriage both men and women change , so some grow together many grow apart , 

I think you have different needs in life to each other 
you can take your time talk to him move slowly in which ever way you think is right for you , 

I am the type that likes to see the good side if I can , and don't wish to advise you in which way you need to turn but 
I love the way that you moved in with him for what could be a test run and when you saw things wrong your know it was wrong many keep going 
think a ring will fix it then they think a baby will fix it , and before you know it time has passed and there is a lot of other things going on as well 

I wish you well and I KNOW WHAT EVER YOU DO IT WILL BE THE RIGHT ONE


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## Openminded

Why would he change? It’s worked for him so far. If you said you were done, he might say he would change but the question would be whether it was real, permanent change or temporary change to get you off his back. Permanent change is the hard part. It doesn’t happen often because it requires effort and commitment and time and most people aren’t interested in doing that. You’ll have to decide how much more you’re willing to invest in him.


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## Prodigal

Liz4 said:


> I am also fully aware that marriage is not always filled with ideal situations and that aside from loving someone, marriage is also a choice to go through challenges with someone and get past the obstacles even stronger than before. Thoughts on this belief?


Your belief/theory is okay. But what you have is not an "obstacle" or a "situation" from which you will grow stronger. This is a man who lies, which is a defect of CHARACTER. It's part of the fabric of who he is. And just look at how he tries to turn it around on you: "I didn't tell you because I was afraid of your reaction; that you'd be upset." To hell with that nonsense. He didn't tell you because he wants to do what he wants to do. Of course he wouldn't like your reaction - you'd be ticked off because what he's doing is wrong. DUH.

Frankly, if I was in your position I wouldn't even be engaged to this guy. He LIES. I don't care what he claims to be his reason for lying. He's doing what he needs to do to keep you off his back and out of his face. And he doesn't have the integrity to be transparent and open with you. Who the heck wants to marry someone like that? Sadly, many people go through with it. And they end up back here bemoaning the fact that they didn't respect themselves enough to enforce boundaries.


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## Ursula

Liz4 said:


> For everyone who has responded, thank you all so much for your feedback and advice. I absolutely appreciate all of it. And as I’ve been in your shoes, I know how annoying it can be to give advice from an outside perspective where the answer should be straight and simple (in my case, I need to leave my fiancé), however, it’s harder to think that way when the situation is my own and it is my own shoes I am standing in. I want to touch on the topics of change and forgiveness. Do any of you think that my fiancé could change? Maybe with better communication, more patience, etc? Or do you guys think “a man will do what he wants to do for a woman, she shouldn’t have to ask”? Have any of you witnessed real change from someone and what led to that change?
> 
> I am fully aware that our current situation is not marriage material, which I guess is a good thing we are only engaged and I am able to rethink marriage decisions. But, I am also fully aware that marriage is not always filled with ideal situations and that aside from loving someone, marriage is also a choice to go through challenges with someone and get past the obstacles even stronger than before. Thoughts on this belief?
> I grew up wanting that “love me forever” type of belief, like any young girl who wants their high school sweetheart to be THE ONE, but I feel with age came experience and my belief changed to thinking it isn’t always going to be love, love, love and sometimes, it has to be a choice.


My former husband lied, a LOT before we were married. He lied about things like religious views, whether or not he wanted children, how he felt about adoption, how much money he made. You know, all the big things that couples talk about before they shack up or get married. I didn't find out what the guy's income was until we were getting divorced, and he had to disclose that info. In time, I found out about things that hurt me badly, but instead of owning them, he would shove the blame off on me. We needed to work on US, and he didn't care enough to put the effort in. Not until I told him that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. THEN he said that he would change, that he'd work alongside me on our marriage, etc.

You KNOW your guy is lying; he knows it hurts you, but doesn't seem to care. You have a head-up, so you should consider yourself lucky. He is showing you exactly who he is, you just need to listen to him. I'm not saying that you should leave him (although if it were me in your situation, I'd be running), but you do need to start opening your eyes and seeing him for who he is. If you're OK with that person, and dealing with his lying for the long term, then that's what you do. If you're not OK with it though, don't expect him to change. Most people don't change unless they either see a huge problem with how they are, or they want to. Your fiance doesn't seem to fall into either category.


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## BigDaddyNY

Liz4 said:


> For everyone who has responded, thank you all so much for your feedback and advice. I absolutely appreciate all of it. And as I’ve been in your shoes, I know how annoying it can be to give advice from an outside perspective where the answer should be straight and simple (in my case, I need to leave my fiancé), however, it’s harder to think that way when the situation is my own and it is my own shoes I am standing in. I want to touch on the topics of change and forgiveness. Do any of you think that my fiancé could change? Maybe with better communication, more patience, etc? Or do you guys think “a man will do what he wants to do for a woman, she shouldn’t have to ask”? Have any of you witnessed real change from someone and what led to that change?
> 
> I am fully aware that our current situation is not marriage material, which I guess is a good thing we are only engaged and I am able to rethink marriage decisions. But, I am also fully aware that marriage is not always filled with ideal situations and that aside from loving someone, marriage is also a choice to go through challenges with someone and get past the obstacles even stronger than before. Thoughts on this belief?
> I grew up wanting that “love me forever” type of belief, like any young girl who wants their high school sweetheart to be THE ONE, but I feel with age came experience and my belief changed to thinking it isn’t always going to be love, love, love and sometimes, it has to be a choice.


I had lots of issues when my wife and I were dating. I never cheated, abused or anything like that, but I was not a good person. She spent 2 years trying to change me. I didn't change until I decided I wanted to change. She definitely had an influence on me, but ultimately I had to decide to change. I did, but the process included us moving away from our home town and both our past lives to get away from all the negative influences. I am so thankful she stuck it out with me, but I was approaching the end of my rope with her and the threat of losing her is what brought me to my senses. 

So, yes he can change, but you can't make him change. He has to want to change.


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## Truejoinery

I would like to offer a lighter conviction of your fiance, I believe that he is confused about what he wants. 

When I was dating I flirted a lot with a lot of different people, I didn't know what I wanted or who I wanted to be with. Eventually I found someone that I thought I could choose to love, but now I am trying to pull the plug after ten years. It is my opinion that you should not marry him, but only because he seems unsure of his feelings. He likes you and wants to be with you but he is also exploring his feelings with other women. He needs to discover his own character.


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## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
> I can see so many red flags here. This man isn't marriage material. He has poor boundaries with women, I mean sitting in the car with her in their breaks?!?!. Plus he lies and lies and lies about her, the things he has done with her, giving her lifts etc. Even saying that he has thought of cheating so that you REALLY have something to worry about. Cyberstalking her, being interested in another woman before her. Good grief.
> I would say the chances of him being faithful in your married life are about 1%, and he has already shown you that he lies very easily and that won't stop.
> You are setting yourself up for misery and even if he is nice in other ways that's irrelevant if you want an honest faithful husband.


I wholeheartedly agree with this and hope you reread it and consider it.

A man that truly is 100%in love with a woman is not having crushes on anyone. He’s not having dates with a coworker. (They are dates, make no mistake).
If you continue this relationship, it will bring you massive pain. You love him and he seems like a great guy BUT. This type of but cannot be ignored.


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