# I accidentally called him a name...



## Naivelover (Feb 14, 2017)

Hello everyone, 

This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice. 

So, this is my story. I have been married to my husband for a little over a year. We have been through a lot of stress and hard times throughout our relationship, but despite these rough patches, we have always made it through with strong respect and love for each other. However, for the past few weeks, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual. We live in a high stress situation (we have jobs in different states and both our families strongly disapprove of our marriage), but we are hoping to finally live together permanently in April of this year. I know he is currently under a lot of stress with his job and working towards his future goals, and I have attributed his behavior towards me to this. Most of our arguments in the past have resulted from miscommunication, misunderstandings, and him thinking that I am trying to change him in some way. I will admit that I have had problems with anxiety and depression for most of my life, so I know I am far from perfect. I cry easily and sometimes read too much into situations when it's not necessary (for example, hearing criticism from him and then assuming it means he's disappointed in me and our marriage and regrets being with me). In all of our arguments in the past, we sometimes raise our voices and yell, but we find a way to reconcile (usually by me initiating an apology even though I know I was not the only one at fault). 
Yesterday, my husband was driving us back home and pressed hard on the gas while backing the car up, causing me to jolt forward in my seat. I asked him to please not do that, and he said "this is the way I drive". He has always been a bit of a reckless driver, and I have high anxiety whenever I'm in a car in general, especially because I have been in a couple of car accidents before. I have asked him multiple times in the past to please drive carefully because it makes me extremely uncomfortable/anxious when he slams on the gas and slams on the brakes while driving. But this has never stopped him. One time, he drove >120 mph on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car. Not only do I fear for my safety (and others' safety), but currently he is not an insured driver in my car that I am letting him drive (we are working on fixing this). 
Anyway, back to last night...after I asked him to please not drive that way while I'm in the car, he started speeding excessively on the street we were on (going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph). At this point, I told him that I don't want him to drive me anywhere again if he plans on driving that way. When we pulled into our parking lot (we live in an apartment complex), he slammed on the gas as hard as he could (moving towards a car parked in front of him), then slammed on the brakes just short of hitting the car. He then put the car in reverse to back up into our parking spot, slamming on the gas again and then slamming on the breaks just before hitting the fence behind our spot. I was so shocked, scared, and upset while he did this that I yelled "what the ****??...JACKASS!" without even thinking. When he stopped the car, I quickly got out, slammed the door, and went into our apartment. When he got back to the apartment, I told him to give me my car keys, which he then threw down on the table in front of me. I spent an hour or two thinking in silence after this (and crying), and regretting that I had called him a name. I have never ever called him a name before, and he has never called me a name. I knew it was wrong, but it slipped out of my mouth in a moment where I felt very fearful, angry, and upset. I thought maybe I had overreacted about the way he backed up quickly the first time, but I didn't even yell in the beginning. I just asked him to please not drive that way when I'm in the car. 
So ultimately, I walked back to my husband, trying to forget about my need to be right and apologized sincerely for calling him a name. At the same time, I told him that there was no excuse for him to purposefully drive that way to scare me and upset me. He refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing whatsoever and would barely talk to me or look at me. When I asked him why he chose to purposefully do something that he knew would upset me, he said "this is ME." He then spent the next 6 hours in our apartment ignoring me and doing random things (cooking, humming the song "too late to apologize" loudly, and watching a movie with the volume very high). In the morning, a friend picked him up to go to the airport (he was scheduled to fly back that day to go back to work anyway), and he didn't say a word to me before leaving. Now, he is posting vague passive aggressive messages on his facebook wall, causing all of his friends to ask what's going on. 

I am sorry for the wall of text, but I felt that I needed to describe the situation in detail. I am at the point now where I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy or if he should apologize as well for what he did. I recognize that name-calling is never acceptable and he has a right to be upset about that. But I feel that I have a right to be upset with the way he acted as well. Is it crazy to think that a reasonable husband would try to avoid doing things that upset or make his wife anxious/uncomfortable or upset, even if he doesn't think what he's doing should cause discomfort? I am not purposefully trying to make a big deal out of things that don't deserve it, but I can't help that I feel extremely anxious when he drives that way. This fight also makes me think of a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.

So, right now, he's essentially ignoring me, and I am debating whether I should just stick with my apology and let what he did go? I don't even know if he will ever forgive me for calling him a name, so maybe all of this is pointless and the relationship is over anyway. At the same time, I'm wondering if I even want to stay in a relationship where I feel my feelings are not respected. Am I crazy? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I feel confused and overwhelmed, so any help or advice would be appreciated. I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Naivelover said:


> This fight also makes me think of *a similar situation that happened early on in our relationship*, when he made a comment suggesting that I "wasn't as smart as he thought I was" when I misunderstood something he said and asked a question. At that time, I told him that a comment like that was hurtful and I didn't like it. He said it was a joke-- I told him I didn't think it was funny and asked him not to "joke" like that with me. *Then, he said that he would NOT stop it because he likes joking that way, even if it hurts me*. This seems so crazy and disrespectful to me...If he ever told me that something I did made him upset, I would do my best to stop it instantly (even if I think it shouldn't upset him), as long as it's not that important to me.


He showed you who he was when you were in the early stages. He wasn't kidding. This is who he is. You must have thought you could change him in order to continue in the relationship. Either that or you were/are willing to put up with this.

So now that you are one year into marriage, hopefully you now see this IS WHO HE IS.

Your only decision now should be about whether you want to be with someone who is like this or not. Do not expect any changes. Its all up to you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Naivelover said:


> I realize my problems may sound small and insignificant to many, but it's truly affecting me in a bad way...


No, your problems do not sound insignificant. After reading your post, my only thought is why in the hell would you still want to be married to him? He's simply an inconsiderate jerk.


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## Naivelover (Feb 14, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> He showed you who he was when you were in the early stages. He wasn't kidding. This is who he is. You must have thought you could change him in order to continue in the relationship. Either that or you were/are willing to put up with this.
> 
> So now that you are one year into marriage, hopefully you now see this IS WHO HE IS.
> 
> Your only decision now should be about whether you want to be with someone who is like this or not. Do not expect any changes. Its all up to you.


You're right...maybe I didn't truly believe that's who he really was early on. Things like this didn't happen often before, but that one time should have been a red flag to me. After that first incident, I sort of got him to agree with me that what he did was wrong (but maybe he was just pretending to agree with me to get me to stop talking about it). Now, he's repeating the same thing...I don't think he understands why what he's doing is wrong...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Naivelover said:


> You're right...maybe I didn't truly believe that's who he really was early on. Things like this didn't happen often before, but that one time should have been a red flag to me. After that first incident, I sort of got him to agree with me that what he did was wrong (but maybe he was just pretending to agree with me to get me to stop talking about it). Now, he's repeating the same thing...I don't think he understands why what he's doing is wrong...


What he's doing isn't really "wrong" it is just not what you want in a husband. However, he is your husband so you have to examine your choice.

It isn't "wrong" because some women would act just like him and enjoy his antics. (Not saying most women, but some would). Point being, he is who he is. Who people are isn't "wrong" but they will certainly be the wrong partner for some people.

You and he are different, neither are right or wrong. It does sound like you are wrong for each other though.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Wow. I'd tell him to stay where he's at and your attorney will handle the divorce over email. What an a$$! 

Do you two have a good sex life? How intimate (sex, kissing, hugging) are you two? Sounds like a bizarre marriage. Did you meet online? Hell, look at the subject you wrote in your post. You're worried about calling him a name. You got way bigger issues than that.

Don't let shame and guilt keep you from living a fulfilling life. You can admit to your family you married the wrong person, they were right, and move on.


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## Naivelover (Feb 14, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> No, your problems do not sound insignificant. After reading your post, my only thought is why in the hell would you still want to be married to him? He's simply an inconsiderate jerk.


Thank you for saying that it's not insignificant.... Sometimes, he seems so inconsiderate that it drives me crazy, but other times we are able to have open and respectful conversations about our thoughts and feelings, even if we disagree on something.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Naivelover You were right to call him a name. I was sure that story was going to end with you in the hospital, in traction. You are risking your life every time you get in the car with him behind the wheel. 

So, he says, THIS IS ME. He is a man who refuses to take his wife's fear over her safety seriously, who instead mocks her and intentionally drives and behaves in a way that terrifies her. Then he tried to make you feel BAD for complaining about his sh!tty treatment of you, he's giving you the silent treatment, and he's being passive aggressive.

You, my dear, are married to a big fat bully, and he is always going to be this way. He's not going to get better, he will only get worse.

What he is doing is psychological abuse. And I see hints of verbal abuse there as well. Who knows what will happen next? Do you need to land in the hospital with multiple broken bones before you open your eyes to the truth that is in front of you? This is not healthy for you (or for anyone). Get out now, while you still can. You said that the two of you are living apart? I would tell him not to bother coming back to see you, and file divorce papers. This isn't going to get better for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wow!

Is he 14 years old?

I hung out with a wild bunch of guys when I was in High School.

All of us regularly drag raced. We always took every car that we owned and tested how fast it would go. We loved "pegging" the speedometer.

Those were the days when you could buy old cars for 100 dollars. When you crashed one or blew it up, you junked it and bought another.

I lost four friends to accidents, car and motorcycle. I injured myself a few times. That was before seat belt usage. Really dumb ****.


I stopped doing that crap when I got out of high school and entered the military. My friends back home? Maybe when they turned 25!

He is going to die and take you with him. Do not let him.....Dump him.

Oh, if he drinks...stay as far away from him as possible. Alcohol and machinery do not mix.


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## Naivelover (Feb 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Wow. I'd tell him to stay where he's at and your attorney will handle the divorce over email. What an a$$!
> 
> Do you two have a good sex life? How intimate (sex, kissing, hugging) are you two? Sounds like a bizarre marriage. Did you meet online? Hell, look at the subject you wrote in your post. You're worried about calling him a name. You got way bigger issues than that.
> 
> Don't let shame and guilt keep you from living a fulfilling life. You can admit to your family you married the wrong person, they were right, and move on.


We actually met during graduate school, but our jobs after school have required us to be in different cities for a while. We see each other for 3-4 days every 2-3 weeks and talk every day for hours on the phone. We are actually extremely intimate and enjoy each other frequently when we are together (and not fighting). I will admit that our marriage situation is a very unusual one to say the least though (with regards to our relationships with our families, etc.).


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

>120mph? I would never get in a car with him behind the wheel again. Your H is a childish jackazz. I would not have apologized. Next time you drive. If he takes issue, drive yourself. 120 mph in a car. What is he thinking???


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is downright dangerous. He is literally an accident waiting to happen. Allowing him to drive your car when he is not insured is just plain dumb. Do you really want to be married to an immature jerk? Do you want your future kids to ride in a car with him?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your husband had no right to frighten you in the car and you would have been justified in calling him a lot worse than you did.However the bigger problems is him not accepting your apology,leaving without at least discussing the problem and now posting passive aggressive comments on Facebook.If you did only call him a jack a** then he is being ridiculous and is emotionally bullying you.Is this how your future is going to be,any problems with children,finance,house etc he behaves like a spoilt child.It is obvious to me and probably everyone else reading your story that your husband enjoys scaring you but even worse enjoys seeing you upset.This is very worrying this early in your relationship that he takes pleasure in your sadness.I would tell him not to come home unless he is prepared to radically change his behaviour but I wonder what it was your family saw in him but you didn't.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're married to a nasty bully, and it's partly your fault for allowing it. 

If you stay with him you accept that. 

Please do not get pregnant, it is beyond selfish to bring kids into this. 

And letting him drive your car without insurance is illegal.....please stop being a doormat for this guy.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband had no right to frighten you in the car and you would have been justified in calling him a lot worse than you did.However the bigger problems is him not accepting your apology,leaving without at least discussing the problem and now posting passive aggressive comments on Facebook.If you did only call him a jack a** then he is being ridiculous and is emotionally bullying you.Is this how your future is going to be,any problems with children,finance,house etc he behaves like a spoilt child.It is obvious to me and probably everyone else reading your story that your husband enjoys scaring you but even worse enjoys seeing you upset.This is very worrying this early in your relationship that he takes pleasure in your sadness.I would tell him not to come home unless he is prepared to radically change his behaviour but I wonder what it was your family saw in him but you didn't.


Good post and dead on.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

You really should be more worried about a lot more than you calling him that name. It is extremely disturbing that your partner finds pleasure in your panic and discomfort. That comes across as little sadistic and having grown up in an abusive home this would be a major red flag for me. I've seen my father hit my mom and watch her cower in pain and fear. He took pleasure in it, would pick on her for crying and would involve us kids in belittling her response to the situation. This may not describe what happened to you but it is the same sadistic behaviour. 

He's not only sadistic, he's very childish on top of it all. He's posting on social media because he wants others to ask about the situation. He wants them to ask because he's so convinced that you wronged him and they'll validate his feelings when he explains what happened. He wants you to experience the discomfort of others asking about the issue.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

if he keeps driving like this he's going to have a real problem one day. You should really stop and think if you want to be married to someone like this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> if he keeps driving like this he's going to have a real problem one day. You should really stop and think if you want to be married to someone like this.


I completely agree and what's more op,if he has an accident while driving your car you have the lovely choice of accepting responsibility and maybe thousands of dollars in costs or else having your husband arrested for stealing your car.You could lose your husband and your home in certain circumstances.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

No, you're not crazy, and no, you shouldn't stay in a relationship where your feelings aren't respected. Name calling is never a good thing, but neither is what he did. He refuses to apologize, or even acknowledge, and that's not cool in my books. If I were you, and the next time you're together, I would be keeping my car keys on my own body at all times. I wouldn't let him near the driver's seat. Compound that with the fact that if an accident were to happen on his watch, you're not covered through insurance. Would he pay for the damages, or shove them off on you? I think this is a relationship I'd be thinking twice about.



Naivelover said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm in Canada, and read that as 120 km/hr. I just did the calculation though, and that's 193 km/hr. Holy smokes! I'd never, ever, ever, EVER get into a car with him behind the wheel ever again. Does he have a death wish?!? :-o



Yeswecan said:


> >120mph? I would never get in a car with him behind the wheel again. Your H is a childish jackazz. I would not have apologized. Next time you drive. If he takes issue, drive yourself. 120 mph in a car. What is he thinking???


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> What he's doing isn't really "wrong" it is just not what you want in a husband. However, he is your husband so you have to examine your choice.
> 
> It isn't "wrong" because some women would act just like him and enjoy his antics. (Not saying most women, but some would). Point being, he is who he is. Who people are isn't "wrong" but they will certainly be the wrong partner for some people.
> 
> You and he are different, neither are right or wrong. It does sound like you are wrong for each other though.


I think that there are a couple of examples that should be considered "wrong". One is driving "over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph". I agree that simply being a jerk might appeal to some people, but putting other people's lives in danger crosses the line and is simply wrong.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You're worried about HIM forgiving YOU?! Your husband is a jerk and that's saying it nicely. He's passive aggressive. He's abusive (it's really sick to drive like that knowing it's scaring the crap out of your passenger). And, he's a bully. He should have been the one to apologize. He has serious anger issues. But don't hold your breath. You'll likely never get an apology from someone like that. 

Get out. And prepare yourself for some additional nastiness.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Naivelover said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> This is my first time to this forum. I am so glad that I found this site. For the past couple of days, I have felt overwhelmed, and I desperately need to vent and hopefully get some advice.
> 
> ...


Oh my God. Jackass is not strong enough a word.

I have had a similar problem with my H in the car. He is an excellent driver but very assertive in heavy traffic. I on the other hand have been the passenger in two bad car accidents and am a very nervous passenger. He used to actually take OFFENSE and drive more aggressively when I would get nervous. Though he never would have pulled the speeding up, slamming the brakes stunt yours did (I don't think....) But it was one of the things I almost left him over. 

It's like your husband's ego is so fragile that the second you nicely inform him that something he is doing makes you uncomfortable, instead of reacting with care for YOU and your feelings, he becomes defensive and doubles down. I think this is one of the signs of a narcissist.

Ironically (or maybe not) my husband was the same way with the jokes. He is very sarcastic but often also pretty funny so for years I went along with his joke. But 99.9% of them were at my expense. And he would say the harshest things in a sneering tone - then say "it was just a joke, lighten up" when I complained.

SO, things HAVE gotten better and he usually makes an effort not to scare me in the car. And he is trying really hard to stop insulting me all the time. I got these changes by following the advice from marriage builders, specifically I would read the book Love Busters by Dr. Harley from marriagebuilders.com, and then His Needs Her Needs, but for you read love busters first. I learned how to politely voice my complaint and he read the books too and I think realized how badly he was treating me. 

It sounds like you already voice things in the proper way though. The fact that he belligerently declares "this is who I am" is very concerning. It shows that he does not give a damn. You may need to tell him "Well this is who I AM - and I am not a woman who will ride in a car with a man who is not considerate of her feelings as a passenger who has no control. I am not a woman who enjoys being ridiculed, even if it's a joke. That is just WHO I AM. Jackass!"

We've been together about 20 years, married about 14 now and like I said, thing are NOW getting better with a lot of effort on both our part, but if I could go back in time I would never have married him. You have 1 year into a marriage with a man who can barely control his temper and who deliberately terrorizes you the minute he feels a tiny bit slighted. Prepare yourself for years of walking on eggshells with this guy. When things are good they'll be just fine. The minute he perceives an insult? Good luck.... If you want to save your marriage please read the books I suggested, but you are probably better off getting out now if he is not willing to change. Because "WHO. HE. IS." is unacceptable if you want to be happy.

BTW - Why are both your families against the marriage? That will be a problem long term too. Let me know if you want my thoughts on that...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Naivelover said:


> Thank you for saying that it's not insignificant.... Sometimes, he seems so inconsiderate that it drives me crazy, but other times we are able to have open and respectful conversations about our thoughts and feelings, even if we disagree on something.


What he can give you is drama, but guys like that are never going to consistently treat you nice and with respect. I have known a few ladies who have accepted that type of treatment, always hoping and expecting that things will improve. It doesn't. You are still young enough to regain control of your life and try to find out why you are attracted to this type of man. You might need your family's help to leave this guy when you're ready to since he seems to be the type to have a pretty bad temper.

Start being the good person who makes good life decisions.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Keke24 said:


> You really should be more worried about a lot more than you calling him that name. It is extremely disturbing that your partner finds pleasure in your panic and discomfort. That comes across as little sadistic and having grown up in an abusive home this would be a major red flag for me. I've seen my father hit my mom and watch her cower in pain and fear. He took pleasure in it, would pick on her for crying and would involve us kids in belittling her response to the situation. This may not describe what happened to you but it is the same sadistic behaviour.
> 
> He's not only sadistic, he's very childish on top of it all. He's posting on social media because he wants others to ask about the situation. He wants them to ask because he's so convinced that you wronged him and they'll validate his feelings when he explains what happened. He wants you to experience the discomfort of others asking about the issue.


THIS.^^^^^

SADISTIC is the word I was looking for. He's not a bully, he's downright sadistic. He takes joy in scaring the crap out of you, OP! That isn't love. That's the furthest thing from love I can think of.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is not how a marriage or any mutual beneficial relationship should be,that he is "sometimes"nice to you.This should be the happiest time of your life,this is the honeymoon period and is normally when couples can't get enough of each other.The fact that he is away for so long each month should make your time together extra special.You and he should be counting the minutes until you are together and dreading the time you have to be apart.Instead he leaves without a word and starts childishly posting on Facebook.I seriously think there is something wrong with him and you should try and explain why your family don't like him.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I just left this person myself. And he is 44 years old. 

They don't change. And no, it's not something we should accept or tolerate. Get thee into counseling and file for divorce. It will suck, it will hurt, but you will be happier ultimately.


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## megamuppet (Feb 13, 2017)

You need to get out of that relationship. What about if you have children and he drives like that?? He sounds like a bully to me, and is manupulating you. You are worth more than that. I would let him go. 

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's consistently shown you who he is. If that's not what you want for the rest of your life (and who would) then you need to get out now before something worse happens.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If what you described in your OP is accurate - your husband is a ****ing *******. He's not a jerk. He's a no good **** sucking mother****ing ****. Divorce this sorry piece of ****. He does not respect you and he acts like he's 10 years old. The ****ing manchild needs to be booted from your life.

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"The proof of the pudding is in the eating," and quite frankly, you've had way more than your fill!

You need to get out of this toxic relationship before it's way too late!*


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

megamuppet said:


> You need to get out of that relationship. *What about if you have children and he drives like that??* He sounds like a bully to me, and is manupulating you. You are worth more than that. I would let him go.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


That is a REALLY good point. What if they have children and he teases and belittles them and when they are hurt just says it's a joke they need to toughen up. What if they have children and anytime there is the slightest criticism of how he is doing things he goes ballistic and becomes twice as belligerent/mean? If you take the way he is treating his wife and apply it to young children who won't be born with the skills to say "That makes me uncomfortable" it's a really ugly picture of parenthood.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> You're worried about HIM forgiving YOU?! Your husband is a jerk and that's saying it nicely. He's passive aggressive. He's abusive (it's really sick to drive like that knowing it's scaring the crap out of your passenger). And, he's a bully. He should have been the one to apologize. He has serious anger issues. But don't hold your breath. You'll likely never get an apology from someone like that.
> 
> *Get out. And prepare yourself for some additional nastiness.*


*
*


I agree. If he can't listen to you now that he supposedly loves you, can you imagine what he is capable of when you tell him things are over between you?

Please don't have children with this nasty man. I have no idea how you can love this guy and think that you have a marriage with him. How old is this sorry excuse of a man? 

Get legal help and if possible, file a restraining order against him so that he can't get within 100 feet of you. You are going to end up being a statistic with this crazy lunatic.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Someone earlier mentioned Narc behavior. He has Borderline alright, I am not sure which though. 

Crazy as heck that's for sure. He knows how to pick his victim/wife! 
@Uptown do you see BPD in this guy?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Bibi1031 said:


> *Uptown*, do you see BPD in this guy?


@*Bibi1031*, thanks for the callout. I don't know whether the H has full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Only a professional can determine that. I nonetheless agree with you that many behaviors that *Naive* describes -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, emotional abuse (i.e., slamming her around in the car and frightening her by driving at double the speed limit), controlling behavior, lack of empathy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. 



Naivelover said:


> Am I making a big deal out of nothing?


*Naive*, I don't think so. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). 

At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling attitude, reckless actions, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



> *For the past few weeks*, I have found that we are arguing more frequently, and he is becoming angry and defensive more easily than usual.


*Naive*, if your H's BPD traits have been strong only for the past few weeks of a one-year marriage, you are not describing a persistent BPD problem. When a person has a lifetime problem with strong BPD traits, those traits are persistent. Although the lifetime problem typically is fully entrenched in early childhood, the BPD traits usually do not start appearing strongly until the early teens. From then on, the traits will often be strong to anyone who draws close to the BPDer and triggers his fears.

The only exception to this is the courtship/honeymoon period, at which time a BPDer's infatuation over you will convince him that you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness. As soon as his infatuation starts to evaporate, however, his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) will return and you will start triggering them. That usually occurs 4 to 6 months into the R/S but may not occur for a year if -- as in your case -- you live in separate cities and see each other only 3 or 4 days every 2 or 3 weeks.



> One time, *he drove >120 mph* on the interstate after I asked him to please not speed too much with me in the car.... and we were going a little over 60 mph on a street that had a speed limit of 25 mph to 30 mph.


*Naive*, reckless behavior is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Specifically, that trait is "Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating." See *9 BPD Traits at NIMH*.



> I'm trying to figure out if I'm crazy.... *Am I crazy?*


You are not describing "crazy." Yet, if you really have been married to a BPDer for a year, "crazy" is exactly how you should be feeling much of the time. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will make you feel crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> Any help or advice would be appreciated.


*Naive*, my advice is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD (and NPD) warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join *Bibi* and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can determine whether his BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to your childish H or, if you do decide to leave him, avoid running right into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, *Naive*.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Why do your parents object to him?


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

He does not respect you!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Naivelover

I agree with what just everyone is saying here. Your husband is a mean bully who enjoys putting you in danger.

You have every right to be extremely upset with him for driving as he did and thus endangering you.
You have every right to be upset for him driving your car that way.
You have every right to be upset at him for saying mean things to you.

He says that's who he is. Believe it. And his behavior will get worse the longer you are with him. You have seen who he really is. He has told you who he really is. Believe him. Believe his actions and the words that match the actions.

If he had an accident with your car while driving recklessly, even if he were covered by insurance, the insurance probably will not cover it. And anyone hurt in the accident can sue you personally. This type of law suit is often in the millions. You could send up spending your life paying someone else for the damage he does using your car. Wake up! Do not ever allow him to drive your car again. Do not ever get in any car with him driving again.

Just tell him that he's been clear about who he is, and you don't want to be in the car with him driving because of who he is. 

Now about you calling him a name. You should not apologize for that. There are a few times when that kind of expression is acceptable. One of them is when your spouse is acting like a real jackass and endangering your life. It sounds like what you said was simply you vocalizing the terror of what he just put you through. Do not apologize further.

On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the worst thing that a person can say or do, what you said in about a .5, what he did is a 10.

If you were my daughter, at this point, my advice to you would be to divorce him before he moves to where you live. He's a mean, dangerous man. Your life will be miserable when he is living full time with you.

How old are the two of you?

How long did you date seriously before you got married?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

That's abuse. Take immediate action to protect yourself. 60 in a 25 is a felony in my state.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok here's my take.

He seems like he's seething with resentment. As a result he's acting like a jerk and is very passive aggressive about it.

You, on the other hand, feel like a victim and are pushing your victim hood on him, expecting him to sooth you and resolve your anxiety.

The problem is both of you are aggregating each other with your individual disfunctions and responses to each other's disfunctions.

He could probably stand to read "No more mr nice guy" and learn how to identify his issues, speak clearly about his needs, and stop being so resentful and passive aggressive.

You should stop with the victim hood and confront your anxiety, not expecting H to sooth you and react to your personal triggers.

He was a complete jacka55 and I have NO problem with you directly saying so. Furthermore I would have called him out in throwing the keys, slamming the door and the sulking. You have a right and obligation to stand up for yourself.

At the same time, since you two are who you are, I think it's on you to push him until he admits his resentments and tells you to your face what he is thinking. Because holding it in but acting like a complete dbag isn't really holding it in, is it?

You have to be strong enough NOT to act like a wounded puppy - trying to force him to just shut up and hold it in. So your reaction to hearing bad things is equally part of the problem.

Good luck - work pressures, family pressures, and completely different marital perspectives are NORMAL. Successful marriages don't let that get in the way of finding a resolution, putting aside your anger, listening, and changing. Hopefully you can get there.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw I strongly support IC and MC because even if you guys don't make it, you'll each bring the same baggage to the next relationship. So why not accept that and work through these issues as a team if you can


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