# I'm unhappy



## Sabrina20 (Jan 13, 2021)

How can I get through to my husband?
I just feel like we are roommates. I know he loves me and isn't cheating but definitely feels like he may not be IN love with me anymore? I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change. Maybe I should just take a step back and not care, maybe then he will step up?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Sabrina20 said:


> How can I get through to my husband?
> I just feel like we are roommates. I know he loves me and isn't cheating but definitely feels like he may not be IN love with me anymore? I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change. Maybe I should just take a step back and not care, maybe then he will step up?


That tactic rarely works. It will just widen the gap. Therapy or other aided effort will be needed. But that can only work if he wants to improve the relationship as well. If not then you are left with the choice of either staying and suffering, or leaving to try to find someone who will put in the effort for the relationship.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sabrina20 said:


> I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change.


Sometimes a man needs to be hit over the head with a 2x4 before he gets it. I've heard a lot of women say they told their man over and over. Then I hear their SO's say they "thought she was just venting"(especially if she is emotional at the time) or that "it wasn't really _that_ big of a deal, was it?"

So, how are you saying it? Are you being very blunt, using unambiguous language, and doing it calmly separate from any arguments about other marital annoyances? Are you telling him that this is, indeed, a big deal and could be a marriage ender?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I've found that many men have been conditioned to automatically ignore anything their partner says when she's emotional. They process it as she's "hormonal" or she's "just being hysterical" or she's "acting crazy". They just don't take it seriously. 

So, the advice to tell him what's wrong - clearly, calmly, directly, and unemotionally - is spot on. He may still not be interested in changing, but at least you stand a better chance of being heard.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sabrina20 said:


> How can I get through to my husband?
> I just feel like we are roommates. I know he loves me and isn't cheating but definitely feels like he may not be IN love with me anymore? I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change. Maybe I should just take a step back and not care, maybe then he will step up?


My W was the same with me. You know what waked me up? She said she wanted to D as my behavior(anger issues) and lack of affection she was not going to put with any longer. She meant it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sabrina20 said:


> How can I get through to my husband?
> I just feel like we are roommates. I know he loves me and isn't cheating but definitely feels like he may not be IN love with me anymore? I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change. Maybe I should just take a step back and not care, maybe then he will step up?


Stepping back is an idea, have you tried to seduce him?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Sometimes a man needs to be hit over the head with a 2x4 before he gets it.


THIS! Lol, so true.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How are you measuring his love for you? It is whether he has good talks with you? Is it sex? Is it what nice things he does to be sure you're comfortable? Is it if he helps around the house or with kids?

Was he always being sure you were happy before, protecting you, providing his share, taking care of anything bothering you before? Or was he just sexually passionate about you? Some guys are more in love with sex than they are in love with the person. 

Taking your post at face value, crying to him to make him change his behavior won't make him be in love with you again. You must surely realize that. What's it worth if he doesn't love you on his own power?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note: *There's a very good section for discussing religious topics. This isn't it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sabrina20 said:


> How can I get through to my husband?
> I just feel like we are roommates. I know he loves me and isn't cheating but definitely feels like he may not be IN love with me anymore? I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change. Maybe I should just take a step back and not care, maybe then he will step up?


What behaviour of his?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Spell it out for him. Tell him exactly what you need from him. Be specific.

give him a short timeline to start participating on a level that makes you happy. He will either do his part or he won’t.
If he won’t - then you have an answer for your future.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sabrina20 said:


> I've cried to him many times telling him how I feel but his behavior doesn't change.


Your approach is completely wrong. Quit with the crying. Of course his behavior doesn't change. Why would you even think you could change someone else's behavior? That's simply not possible. A calm, level-headed discussion would at least allow him to know how you feel. My guess is you are haranguing him in the hopes you can MAKE him change.

I don't know if you'll return. Regardless, you need to change your approach to this issue/problem.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

What specific examples of changes required do you have? Being vague is just moving the goal posts whenever he does what you say you want. Is he doing the same things he always has but now you are just bored?

To quote comedian Bill Hicks - "Look at Adam & Eve in the garden of Eden. No disease, no hunger, live forever, no wants or needs. Eve looks around and says "It's just not enough is it?""

A person has to choose to be happy, and not rely on their spouse. If you choose to be unhappy, your spouse will never change your mindset. Let's flip it around, what have you done to make him happy?

Are you just the same boring old spouse putting in the minimum effort, so he has decided to drop down his service level to match yours???


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Well you will leave when the pain of staying exceeds the potential pain of leaving. Or you may stay and end up not really giving a **** about him anymore or whether he engages or not, it happens. It depends on what you want.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rowan said:


> OP, I've found that many men have been conditioned to automatically ignore anything their partner says when she's emotional. They process it as she's "hormonal" or she's "just being hysterical" or she's "acting crazy". They just don't take it seriously.
> 
> So, the advice to tell him what's wrong - clearly, calmly, directly, and unemotionally - is spot on. He may still not be interested in changing, but at least you stand a better chance of being heard.


I agree with this... and where possible, approached from a place as still being a 'team'... otherwise, it could simply be backing the other into a corner, where the natural reaction is typically defensiveness, unless your spouse has the ability to express they feel backed into a corner and how could it be approached differently. I think most of us are more open to listening when the communication style allows space, instead of being talked / complained AT.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Your approach is completely wrong. Quit with the crying. Of course his behavior doesn't change. Why would you even think you could change someone else's behavior? That's simply not possible. A calm, level-headed discussion would at least allow him to know how you feel. My guess is you are haranguing him in the hopes you can MAKE him change.
> 
> I don't know if you'll return. Regardless, you need to change your approach to this issue/problem.


Agree with this, in the same way a whiny man is not attractive neither is a whiny woman, as many have said it comes accross to the male ears as nagging. You need to up your game and ignore him. Do your own thing, don't involve him, meet your friends, go to the gym, do a 180, believe me he will notice. If he does not notice, then stop doing things for him. Leave his food in the fridge, forget to iron his shirts or do his messages. You have not said what his behaviour is though. Can you actually identify what it is that he does? If you cannot then how can you expect him to?
Make a list and share it here.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rowan said:


> OP, I've found that many men have been conditioned to automatically ignore anything their partner says when she's emotional. They process it as she's "hormonal" or she's "just being hysterical" or she's "acting crazy". They just don't take it seriously.


Without meaning to ruffle any feathers here, however, as a woman, I have also experienced other women (granted, few and far between) who have used tears and emotional outbursts to get a result. And when I have perceived that kind of tactic, I also have not taken it seriously.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

aine said:


> You have not said what his behaviour is though.


That would be helpful.


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