# Is it time to leave for sure?



## CJ2010 (Dec 1, 2010)

I have been married for about a year and a half, we were dating a little less than 2 years before we decided to get married. Anyway, there is ALOT to type here so here goes.

I think my marriage has come to a point where it needs to end. My wife has turned into a completely different person than i married, emotionally and physically, 

When I married my wife, she weighed 325 pounds, she now weighs just short of 500 pounds, while she makes no effort to change that, our whole relationship i wanted her to work on losing weight, was even willing to diet and exercise with her, because it would be better for her but most of all, i wanted children. I fear now that with her that will never happen, and now all i am is a servant to her, she is so large she can't put her own shoes on among other things. she can barely walk through walmart due to her weight. And that is just one of our many issues.

She doesnt love and cherish me anymore the way i feel she should, nor does she respect me how i feel a husband and man should be respected. Every mistake i have ever made in our relationship has been held over my head constantly. When we have arguments now, it results in her getting mad and telling me such degrading things that i feel worthless.

Early on in our dating relationship, i had cheated on her (kissed another girl). which I know was a horrible mistake and I have never stopped regretting, but a few month later she cheated on me for revenge. After that I tried to tell her that we both messed up, but we love each other we no longer need to bring the incidents up again. Yet everytime we get in one of our huge fights, its about how she can never trust me, how i cheated on her, despite the fact that I am very honest with her about everything now.

I have done so much for her through our relationship. I moved in with her a couple months into our relationship, although i did it for the wrong reason, which was to get away from my parents. She later begged me to drop college and move with her back "home". (by her family who live about 7 hours away from mine.) at the time i was rebellious against my parents, despite them providing me with paid college, so I left with her to move where we are now and gave up my education. about a month after we moved down here we got married.

Since then I have come to regret those decisions, as I have now repaired my relationship with my parents and realized what bad choices i made.

I would give anything to go back and start my life over, I am not happy where i am. I DO care for my wife very much, I believe that I still love her, but not the same way I used to.

She refuses to better herself in any way, whether it is finishing her batchelors degree that she is only a year and a half away from if she gets back in to college, or losing weight so she can be healthy, our sex life can be better and we can one day have children.

I can't talk to my wife about things I am feeling down about, she "doesnt want to hear me ***** about things". If i ever need someone to talk to, i have to call my dad, or my best friend. (girl who i went to high school with and became very close friends with, and dont take that the wrong way, we are friends, nothing more, she just got out of an abusive relationship and i have been there as someone for her to talk to, and she is there as someone for me to talk to.)

Life has been very difficult for me since i moved down here, I have had trouble holding down jobs, which she wont let me live down, and I havent been able to really better myself in any way that i would like to. We make it because she came across a good job that pays decent. That is the one thing i feel she does for me in our relationship is support me financially which I am grateful for. of course she never wants to get back in to college now, she just wants to settle with that job that could end at any time. (government job, one of those that could lose funding at any time.)

She is happy where she is down here by her family (who as much as i love them, i feel she puts them above me).

When we started dating, I was 19 and she was 24 (part of the reason the hasty decisions were made, I am now 22, she is 27 respectively and I am just wondering if it is definately time to consider separation? (which will most likely end in divorce because I will move back home with my parents and get back into college so i can make something of myself. She doesnt want me to be away.) I have been making efforts to fix things, I have been doing everything in my power to be the best husband possible, but it just isnt enough for her.

If so, how should i go about this? she knows the way I feel about her is changing, she can feel it. I haven't yet told her i was considering seriously leaving. And i truly hate to hurt her but my heart is telling me it is time to get my own life back on track. I am not happy with where i am and how i am treated, like i said earlier i would almost give anything to go back and start my adult life over and do things right.

I forgot to mention that our sex life has been suffering as well. usually we only had sex about once every 2 weeks, which to me, a 22 year old male is awful. Of course here lately, i havent even had the drive for sex, last time we had sex over a month ago, she said something horrible to me in the middle of it that totally ruined it for me and just about broke my heart. I wont be explicit with this or anything but we had sex and near the end she made me pull out because "She didnt know for sure that I didnt cheat with some girl when i was out of town visiting my parents." Which was totally uncalled for. No reason whatsoever to think that i would've done that. I went up there to visit my parents and while i was up there, my grandpa hurt his hip, so I ended up staying for an extra week, which apparently made her suspicious.

Let me also add that she refuse to do counseling, as she believes i am the one with the problems, not her. just as anytime we have a fight, everything was my fault, never hers.

Someone please reply, i desparately need advice.


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## unhappynewlywed (Nov 3, 2010)

Let me start by saying that my opinion may be a bit biased so take my advice for what you will, but I am also very unhappy in my new marriage.

I can completely understand your feelings that you have made a huge mistake. I keep thinking it's better to correct the mistake now than to wait years and be deeper into the problem.

I also feel like I'd like to do things the right way. My situation is a little different b/c my husband is incredibly controlling. He gets mad at the drop of a hat, and I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells around him. Like you, he isolated me from my family and my friends. I now feel he did this on purpose to keep a tighter leash on me. I had a major wake up call when I was in my best friend from college's wedding (I say best friend from college b/c I haven't been allowed to see her since we graduated). My husband is out of town currently training for a new job and couldn't go with me. He told me "I want to come so that I can keep an eye on you". Right then I realized how out of control things had gotten. I went to the wedding without him, and I had the most fun I've had in years. I was free to talk and dance with my girlfriends without having to worry about him throwing an embarrassing fit. Every wedding we had been to previously for one of my friends he would complain about going, stay through dinner, and the pout until I agreed to leave. It was completely embarrassing and rude.
I also met someone while I was at the wedding. Nothing physical happened, but I realized how much fun life used to be, and how much fun I can have with the right person. I have been having what I guess most would call an "emotional affair" with this other man. The thing that hits me the most though is that I can completely be myself with him. I have never felt that way with my husband, I have always been trying to be perfect so as not to make him say "if you do that we shouldn't be together". The other man knows everything about my marriage and how horribly my husband has treated me. I feel like it is a breath of fresh air to be able to tell someone the truth and not be judged. 
Though he and I both agree that this is something we thought we would never do, we both also agree that when we met we realized what we had been missing. I can picture what a life with him would be like. I'd be happy, and enjoy life; whereas right now I feel like I'm just enduring every day. The thing that is crazy, I knew things were not great with my husband, but I always accepted it and convinced myself that life isn't supposed to be enjoyable all the time. Funny thing is, I don't think my husband and I were ever enjoying anything. Even trips to places like Dinsney world ended up as fights.
After hijacking your thread to share way too much of my story, all I have to share with you is how I'm feeling...
We get one shot at life... that's it. I know I would regret it forever if I stayed in an unhappy marriage. I would always wonder what if, and wonder how much happier I could have been. I don't want to live with that regret. I have made my decision, I'm getting out. I can't help you with the how part b/c that's where I'm struggling right now, but I am going to take that step, and soon.
I'm a quote fanatic, and other people always say it better than I do, so I'll leave you with a few things to think about...
"Remember, it's only in the black of night you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble, fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you don't get everything you asked for-- maybe you'll get more than you ever could've imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end the journey is the destination."

"The confusion and fear, that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better... and that something is worth fighting for."

"This is failure. It’s that moment when you realize that a choice you made, or something you did, has fully changed the course of your life. But what matters even more than this truth is what you do choose to do once you know it. The tendency may be to curl up in the fetal position and wait for things to improve. But if you can somehow manage to take a breath and look around you, you might just spot another path you hadn’t seen before. It may not be easy to walk, especially the beginning. But all that really matters is that it’s there."

Hope at least some of that helps.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I can understand why you're so upset about your wife's weight gain and attitude towards physical intimacy.

Just overdoing it on the Twinkies tends not to result in such extreme weight gain all by itself. Her present size could be the result of some serious medical issues. Has she been to a doctor to see why her weight is the way it is?

If it turns out that she has a medical condition that she can address, many of the other problems you mention could turn around. That's something you might want to consider before you make any firm decisions about leaving the marriage.


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