# She cheated now we are seperated in the same house



## sadch (Jan 7, 2012)

Sad,confused, lost and unsure about my future

She had an affair(s) and now we are separated and still living in the same house with are two small girls (ages 3 and 4).We met when she was 18 and I was 21 and got married after 5-6 years of being together. She first contacted the first OM 6 days after our 6th wedding anniversary and the second one 6 months later.
During the affair she said that she still loved me and was still coming home to me. Eventually she got colder towards me in the bedroom and I hacked her phone and found out that she had been lying to me about the affair(S!).
When I called her on it she said that she did not love me anymore and that she wanted to separate so we could figure stuff out on our own.
I was a crappy husband and when I found out about the first affair I made some drastic changes(lost 30 pounds, started helping around the house etc.) But now it seems it was to little to late which is really killing me inside.
We have been to several marriage counseling sessions and she just wants to "coast." I am sure that she still talks to both the guys she cheated on me with but I don't want to kick her out because of the kids and I still do want to reconcile with her.
I feel so lost and unsure about my future. I am trying to be strong and show a good front but I have no real support group yet and seeing how happy and good she looks and knowing that she is dating already is really hard. I don't have a personal therapist yet because my work screwed up on my health insurance.

Sorry if this in the wrong area


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If she caught you screwing two different women and putting her health at risk for STD's, do you think she would be trying hard to win you back? Sorry but she does not respect you and your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Pit of my stomach is right. Separate finance, kick her out, then expose to everyone. You need to clear away her fog.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I'll start by saying *stop being a f*cking pu$$y dude.* Your NOT going to save anything doing what your doing. Your actions are weak and pathetic, women hate weakness. It's sickening and you stink of it.


DITTO!

Pick your sack up from the garbage from where she dumped them in, and start taking some initiatve.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

-Do the 180 
( SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity )
-Get a lawyer and write up divorce papers.
-Separate finances IMMEDIATELY 
(Only take half)
-Find out who the OM is and if he`s married or has a GF. 
Expose the affair to his SO.
-Tell your in-laws and family whats going on 
(Because she will if you don`t and she`ll spin you as an *******.)
-Have her served the divorce papers.
-If she doesn`t want the divorce lay out your terms for reconciliation.
-Do not leave your house.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

The following is harsh. I was in a similar situation to you and like you will, I learned the hard way.


She has ZERO respect for you.

YOU need to move on. Forget about staying for the kids. You'll still be Dad no matter what. If you play your cards right, you might get custody.

She doesn't want to reconcile. She's f'ing 2 dudes!

All you are is a paycheck and babysitter. That is why she wants to "coast." You provide the lifestyle she needs!

Get an attorney. Move out. Find free counseling (church, etc.). Your marriage is over. Read this over and over. 

I know it hurts - I've been in the same place. When I came here, everyone told me the same things. It just took awhile to sink in. 

Best of luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You won't inspire your wife to want to reconcile with you until you communicate to her that you're willing to let her go.

Start running the 180. It means changing your behavior 180 degrees from what you've been doing. Start taking care of yourself and your kids. Stop worrying about what she's doing. And start talking to a lawyer.

Right now, you're providing her with a place to live, food to eat, and babysitting services when she has a date. You've become the help. And women don't screw the help.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## sadch (Jan 7, 2012)

The marriage councilor said not to expose the infidelity until we have sorted everything out, but as I type this I realize maybe it is all figured out and should expose her cheating ass.
Her parents own the house and she makes more money than I do ... maybe where the lack of respect comes from.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sadch said:


> The marriage councilor said not to expose the infidelity until we have sorted everything out, but as I type this I realize maybe it is all figured out and should expose her cheating ass.


Get a new counsellor, yours is an idiot.

The biggest and ONLY relevant problem in your marriage right now is your wife's affair.
Unless you deal with that you can deal with nothing.
Seriously, your counsellor is an idiot.



> Her parents own the house and she makes more money than I do ... maybe where the lack of respect comes from.


If thats the case then you will eventually be moving out but I wouldn`t leave yet, it can be construed as abandonment in some cases/states.

Read the list I posted above...do that list.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> The marriage councilor said not to expose the infidelity until we have sorted everything out


Yeah, this counselor is a MORON. Just about everyone is for exposing in order to kill the affair; hence, destroying the fantasy they're living in.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I personaly would expose her cheating ass to everyone,file for divorce,start working on myself,start respecting myself and start creating a healthy environment for me and my children,instead of being weak and needy and acting like she is the only women on this world...

Man Up and read the 180


Good Luck


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## sadch (Jan 7, 2012)

I have the printed out list in my pocket and will be reading it whenever I feel weak. Thank you all for the support


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Get a new counsellor, yours is an idiot.
> 
> The biggest and ONLY relevant problem in your marriage right now is your wife's affair.
> Unless you deal with that you can deal with nothing.
> ...


:iagree:

Need to take a stand. Your wife has disrespected you, your vows and your marriage. 

As you stated read the list and also write what your views are and don't bend to her. If you read these posting I don't believe there has ever been a "Real" reconciliation of a marriage when the BS takes the blame for the affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay strong brother.
I was a sh!tty H and I certainly don't diserve H of the year award, but I'm not an adultor, and as far as my fWW that is all on her.

She could have put her big girl panties on and left me, like any honorable women would have...taking the tough road out of the abusive marriage.

Instead she choose, and I say it a again she choose to be decietful and take the easy way out. So all this crap about loving you ...well then IMHO...it should be your way or the highway if she wants any contact with you at all.

Brother the best advice I can give you is to have the confidence that will put you above your self. You need an ego that is pure c00kyness.

Respect is demanded, and many will say that its earned, but what I'm talking about is what you want and your WW to percieve you.....the new you that will and can move on with out your WW. 

This perception will make your WW second guess and think twice about her choices as she sees a confident man willing to let her go.

I get it man, and as they manage us for years and the love we have for them.....but we need to demand respect and control our relationship.

Don't walk behind me, don't walk in front of me, but walk next to me! And if you can't or you won't then let go so we can find someone that will.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

sadch said:


> The marriage councilor said not to expose the infidelity until we have sorted everything out, but as I type this I realize maybe it is all figured out and should expose her cheating ass.
> Her parents own the house and she makes more money than I do ... maybe where the lack of respect comes from.


If your wife agreed to end her affair and recommit to your marriage, then I would agree to keep her affair private. However, that's not the case. Your counselor is basically telling you to cover for her. Screw that.

Get a new counselor. There are good ones and bad ones. You want one who respects marriage, not one who is simply good at navigating through divorce.

Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If your wife is still cheating there is absolutely no need for a marriage counselor. If she's cheating she is lying to you and the marriage counselor too. Go to individual counseling and go to a doctor for meds. Tell that MC you no longer need his services.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ther is no way anyone can say you can definitly save your marriage but you can save yourself and prepare for the future. 
Do the 180, exercise, get meds. Be strong and be a good dad.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*Just Let Her Go* and file for divorce. Request a temporary custody order for your children to prevent her from taking your daughters with her until the court decides with whom your kids are going to reside after the divorce. *DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOME* for most courts consider that as abandonment and will sink any chances of obtaining custody of your girls, if that is what you want.

Like it or not, your wife is looking for another guy to replace you. Don't wait until she finds one and then chooses to leave you. Show some backbone and beat her to the punch by *showing her that you will never be her fall back man and will be just fine without her* - you will, trust me on this. Your confidence in yourself will serve you well today and tomorrow. Nobody should live with a serial cheater especially one who is unremorseful.


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