# Cancer and marriage



## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

I am currently fighting my 3rd battle with cancer, very advanced stage 3 and have been for 3 years. I've had 3 surgeries and am currently recieving IV chemotherapy for the 2nd time. My oncologist is still hopeful that I can be cured even though there is chance that I may become terminally ill. I am 48 y/o, in fairly good health aside from cancer and require little help from others in daily living. I feel well most days except for some nausea and fatigue normally associated with chemo. I stopped working about 9 months ago due to health but hope to work again some day if cured.

At this point in my life I really want to focus and work on improving my marriage, since my wife and children are the only family that I have. I had never been a very emotional guy before. But under the circumstances lately I have been craving love, closeness, and intimacy much more than I had in the past. I want to make the most of whatever time I have left, whether it be 2 years or 20 years.

My wife and I have been married 15 years. The first years of marriage were great and over the years we've faced problems and challenges as all couples do and have remained faithful and loyal to each other. I love my wife very much and she is my best friend. She has been with me through my surgeries and has accompanied me to all my chemo treatments. She has been a stay-at-home mom since about 3 months before my original cancer diagnosis and she has taken on doing more of the household chores lately though I try to help as much as I can. I am very grateful for her. I feel that she loves me also and would be devastated if I were to pass away and it would take a while for her to recover and put her life back together.

Over the past 5 - 10 years, she has seemed more like a companion or close friend than an intimate partner or wife. Don't get me wrong, we have shared many good times and went on many nice vacations together. But also until I stopped working 9 months ago, I or we had also been under a fair amount of stress over the years from my job, raising kids, dealing with in-laws, etc. . I never stopped loving her, though I may not have always shown it as much as I should of and I regret that. I have always had the upmost respect for her and have never been physically or verbally abusive. I would like nothing more than to rebuild the emotional bond and the closeness that we had when we first got together. I know there is nothing that I can do to change or undo anything in the past but would like to know what I can do, going forward, to make our last years we have together the best.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your illness.

What happened in the last 5-10 years?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your illness.
> 
> What happened in the last 5-10 years?


The cancer diagnosis was 3 years ago, so she went stale prior to that. Why? Is this prostate cancer (that's the one I know about)?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry about your cancer, arman. Hoping the best for you.

(((((arman)))))


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

arman said:


> I know there is nothing that I can do to change or undo anything in the past but would like to know what I can do, going forward, to make our last years we have together the best.


Ask her. Place yourself in her service.


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> The cancer diagnosis was 3 years ago, so she went stale prior to that. Why?
> 
> Sadly yes. But looking back she is not entirely to blame. I probably need to accept some responsibility for her being that way.
> 
> ...


No. It is colon cancer.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

arman said:


> No. It is colon cancer.


Yeah. That one's probably next on my menu. Or maybe esophageal.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

A few years ago, a girlfriend of mine had a colon cancer which was found in its advanced stage. I remembered her kept complaining something wasn't right over a couple of years and it took forever to find the actual lump. She could have had a colonoscopy but the hospital kept offering her more expensive MRIs, which didn't show anything. Anyway...

Knowing how she was, she never completely stopped working. She used to work from 8am till 8 or 9pm (a business owner) plus weekends to raise 2 boys single handedly. (Her ex was violent towards her and she had a divorce when her boys were little) 

She decided to take things easy after cancer: she was going through chemo - op - chemo - radio therapy and again, op etc etc. She only stopped working about a couple of weeks to recover from her first op and a couple of days off for her chemo etc. She worked from 10am -5pm throughout the cancer treatment. She still looks young, vibrant and is very active socially. I've given her a few books and bless her, she started to practice some positive lifestyle change.

Arman, wish you all the best.


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