# Friendship with Co-Worker



## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some outsider advice/opinions regarding some recent events. I found two selfies of my husband and a female co-worker on our computer (the pictures from both our cell phones are automatically stored for backup). In one of the pictures they were clearly eating out at a restaurant. I have not met this person, but assumed who she may be because my husband has been talking about her more and more recently. Also, the day before I discovered the pictures he received a text from her on the weekend (not work related). I thought it was a bit odd, but I have no reason not to trust my husband and the content of the text seemed innocent (he showed it to me because she was making a suggest for a DIY project my husband and I had been planning). 

So, after I saw these pictures my mind started analyzing everything. Why was I not aware that he had lunch with this person alone (he had only mentioned group lunches). Why was she comfortable enough to send texts to him on the weekend? A week or so before this he had also mentioned that he had to drive her home because she forgot her laptop. How many times had he been to her house? So, I confronted my husband and asked who was in the picture and how close they were. He insisted they were just friends and he never mentioned they had lunch that one time because he didn't feel as if he was doing anything wrong. I asked why she was comfortable enough to text him about things that are not work related during non-business hours and again he said it's because they are friends. He said he had taken the pictures to send to another co-worker (his supervisor). He was able to prove this through text messages on his phone (he was being truthful). I ended up reading all the texts between this female and my husband. There were numerous texts, but nothing sexual, but not work related either. They were also sent during non-business hours. It seems my husband had developed a somewhat close (as far as I know) friendship with this female. He talked about conversations he had with her, but I never knew they were texting after he was home for the day. He insisted that he was not hiding this friendship, but I had no idea they were this close. One of the texts was asking her if there was any parking open at her place (he was taking our daughter to a park near where she lives). I found it odd that he knew where she lived. When I asked him he said that he didn't know exactly where she lived, just the neighborhood she lived in. I asked if he had ever been to her place and he response was no, then seconds later he says ya, I took her home to get her laptop one day, but I told you that. So, you don't know where she lives exactly, but you've driven to her house? At this point I couldn't tell if he was straight out lying or flustered, because I was so upset. It's hard for me to remove emotion and think logically, because I want to believe him.

I told him I didn't think their "friendship" was appropriate and that they both should be more professional. I was very upset, and all of a sudden I was questioning everything. These texts had been going on for months. At which time my husband began getting into shape. He had also seemed distant and slightly irritable for the last month or so. We had discussed his behavior, because I wanted to know if anything was wrong. He had said that it was from stress at work. 

Anyway, the next day at work my husband told this person that his wife was not comfortable with the texts after business hours. Apparently her response was that she had the same conversation with husband about another male co-worker the weekend before. So now I thinking that this female has no professional boundaries. 

I want to believe my husband. He has given me no reason not to up until this point. I can't seem to let this go though. I'm wondering what their relationship will be from this point forward. According to my husband there is awkwardness between them now. My worry is that the awkward will pass and the "friendship" will be hidden in the future as to avoid arguments.

Am I overreacting? Was I wrong to ask him to change his relationship with this person from a friendship to professional relationship? I'm not a jealous person, but I felt there may have been more going on than I knew. How will I ever know, and how do I get past this and stop driving myself crazy!


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

ya, lots of red flags. Especially the timeline of getting into shape, being distant and irritable.

Maybe it was just a case of poor boundaries…he’d say he was just treating her like he would treat any male friend, she’s just ‘one of the guys!’. But OSFs are different, and I doubt he’s sharing pics with his male friends.

In the next few weeks (after he thinks you’ve cooled off), look for the following:

1.	Adds or changes the passcode on his phone
2.	Hides the screen to computer or phone when you walk in the room
3.	Stops mentioning her completely…even when you know she would be at a group activity or meeting.

I would check his phone for delete text messages with dr. fone from wondershare, or similar undelete programs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I find it interesting that your husband told you that her husband is concerned about her relationship with another guy at work. This might just be a cover story.

If they are getting too involved, it will most likely move underground now that you have make it clear that you are not happy with their relationship. Were I you, I'd keep quiet now and observe. If you see any more of the too familiar activity contact her husband. This would most likely put an end to her 'friendship' with your husband.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

A bit too friendly and possibly leading up to more. I think you nipped it in the bud. At this point I would believe you H understands that some boundaries on part need to be reinforced.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> *I find it interesting that your husband told you that her husband is concerned about her relationship with another guy at work. This might just be a cover story.*
> 
> If they are getting too involved, it will most likely move underground now that you have make it clear that you are not happy with their relationship. Were I you, I'd keep quiet now and observe. If you see any more of the too familiar activity contact her husband. This would most likely put an end to her 'friendship' with your husband.


Totally agree. 

So much of what you've said sounds identical to when my ex-SIL found out my ex-BIL was having an affair with a woman at work. First, she found an earring in the back seat (I know you didn't). Then she checked phone records and saw he was spending a LOT of time on the phone on the way home from work and found out it was a woman (I called the number for her and a woman answered). Asked him about her and he played dumb...."Oh that's just "Mary"....I've told you about her. She's a work friend." During all this time he was spending a lot of time outside, deep in thought, pensive, etc. 

Eventually it came out that it was a full blown affair. I think he was even her boss at the time and it created quite a mess at work. FWIW, they were able to work through it and are still married more than 10 years later.

Do you have access to cell phone records to check phone calls?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This sounds pretty much like how my Ex's workplace affair unfolded. Read this and follow it if you want to get to the truth:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> A week or so before this he had also mentioned that *he had to drive her home because she forgot her laptop.*


^This^ is where I stopped reading.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass 

Insist your Husband read it now. 

Elegirl is right that this will probably go underground. 

It's time to be vigilant on your part because this needs to be squashed.

This is how affairs start.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> ^This^ is where I stopped reading.


Why did you stop reading?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why did you stop reading?


Why would this guy need to drive his co-worker home because she forgot her laptop?

Why couldn't she drive herself?

So, IOW, that's all I needed to read to realize that this is an affair.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Why would this guy need to drive his co-worker home because she forgot her laptop?
> 
> Why couldn't she drive herself?
> 
> So, IOW, that's all I needed to read to realize that this is an affair.


OK, was wondering if you thought she was a troll.

I agree with you. 

Did she ALSO have a flat tire?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

There is definitely enough here to cause concern...without a doubt.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Red flags. You'd better be all over this


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You need to go over to "coping with infidelity" and read a few threads about EA's. Your story is right out of the script, and could already be a physical affair....You are way past red flags, you are at roman candles and sky rockets....


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

I don't have access to the phone records because it's his work phone (provided by his employer). The female co-worker does not drive or have a car, so apparently his supervisor (who doesn't drive either) asked my husband to drive her home to get the laptop. I'm going crazy! I want to believe him. He maintains that he's done nothing wrong, was just friends with this person. He won't admit that the friendship was inappropriate, but has told me that he will not become "friends" with any female co-workers in the future. So, maybe nothing beyond what I know has happened, but how can I be certain that what is happening will not continue and turn into something more?


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

Has anyone used dr. fone mentioned above? If he has deleted texts what are the chances it will recover them?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> how can I be certain that what is happening will not continue and turn into something more?


You can't.

Sorry you're here but I would back off and keep investigating. Read the standard evidence thread someone posted earlier. No way in the world would I just sit on my hands.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

rainbow_2 said:


> One of the texts was asking her if there was any parking open at her place (he was taking our daughter to a park near where she lives).


 That is him telling her that he will be at the park near her house soon if she wants to go for a walk and happen to bump into him.



rainbow_2 said:


> I found it odd that he knew where she lived. When I asked him he said that he didn't know exactly where she lived, just the neighborhood she lived in. I asked if he had ever been to her place and he response was no, then seconds later he says ya, I took her home to get her laptop one day, but I told you that. So, you don't know where she lives exactly, but you've driven to her house? At this point I couldn't tell if he was straight out lying or flustered, because I was so upset.


 When you are trying to decide what to say and what to lie about, one can easily get flustered. It takes much less effort to remember things and not get flustered when you are telling the truth.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm sorry, but he is cheating. Place VARS in his car and places where he is alone and has enough privacy to make phone calls. These will give you the proof you need. 

(((Hugs))))

It's better to know than to be lied to.

Bibi


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So how does this woman get to work and get home normally?


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So how does this woman get to work and get home normally?


I don't know. Her husband drives, maybe he picks her up, maybe she takes the bus?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

rainbow_2 said:


> I don't know. Her husband drives, maybe he picks her up, maybe she takes the bus?


And there are no loaner laptops a forgetful employee could borrow for the day?

(I'm not trying to argue with you and I hope I'm not coming off that way)


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

I think I'm going ask to see his phone again and run dr. fone. If nothing shows up I'm not sure what my next move will be.


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> And there are no loaner laptops a forgetful employee could borrow for the day?
> 
> (I'm not trying to argue with you and I hope I'm not coming off that way)


I haven't a clue. Apparently there's a lot about my husband's workplace that I'm not aware of.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

rainbow_2 said:


> I haven't a clue. Apparently there's a lot about my husband's workplace that I'm not aware of.




What line of work is he in?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Will second that this is exactly how my X wife's affair started with a co-worker. You have every right to be concerned. If an affair hasn't started its about too. Start digging immediately


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> I think I'm going ask to see his phone again and run dr. fone. If nothing shows up I'm not sure what my next move will be.


Don’t ask! Don’t tell!

Keep your sources of info safe…if he knows you’re able to undelete text messages, he’ll just move to some other messaging app that can't be undeleted.

As long as you know his passcode, you should be able to scan it while he’s asleep, and put it back.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> And there are no loaner laptops a forgetful employee could borrow for the day?


 Even if there was a spare laptop, it would not contain the files that she has on her laptop, and it would take more effort than it is worth setting it up and configuring it for only one day. That being said, why would the supervisor ask the OP's husband to be the one that takes her instead another female worker?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

rainbow_2 said:


> I don't have access to the phone records because it's his work phone (provided by his employer). The female co-worker does not drive or have a car, so apparently his supervisor (who doesn't drive either) asked my husband to drive her home to get the laptop. I'm going crazy! I want to believe him. He maintains that he's done nothing wrong, was just friends with this person. He won't admit that the friendship was inappropriate, but has told me that he will not become "friends" with any female co-workers in the future. So, maybe nothing beyond what I know has happened, but how can I be certain that what is happening will not continue and turn into something more?



I know you want to believe your husband, I get that I really do. There are just too many red flags here to ignore. If you have not read this link please do: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.htmlt 
As I said in my first post to you my Ex had a workplace affair that unfolded much like you are describing. Actually his had less in the way of red flags because the woman he had the affair with lived and worked 2&1/2 hours away so they didn't have the opportunity for anything physical (or so my Ex wanted me to believe). He swore up and down they were "just friends" and my Ex was not the kind of guy you would think would cheat. You might have been lucky and caught it before it went physical, but that doesn't mean there aren't issues to work on. Follow the steps in the Standard Evidence Post I linked see what that turns up. As for Dr. Fone @GusPolinski can help with that he is going to need to know what kind for phone your H has.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I would get a VAR. That is the only way you are going to get past this and get that pit out of your stomach. It will help you move past this and give you whatever answers you are searching for.


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> I would get a VAR. That is the only way you are going to get past this and get that pit out of your stomach. It will help you move past this and give you whatever answers you are searching for.


What is a VAR?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> What is a VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder

Take a spin through this thread for more info on VARs...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Also, Wondershare Dr. Fone works pretty well. What kind of phone does your husband use?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

TRy said:


> That is him telling her that he will be at the park near her house soon if she wants to go for a walk and happen to bump into him.
> 
> When you are trying to decide what to say and what to lie about, one can easily get flustered. It takes much less effort to remember things and not get flustered when you are telling the truth.


I think they are planning to bump into each other, especially their pelvic areas...


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Voice Activated Recorder
> 
> Take a spin through this thread for more info on VARs...
> 
> ...


An Iphone


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> An Iphone


Which model?

Copying and pasting from PMs... change "she" to he", "her" to "him", "wife" to "husband", etc as needed...



> That said, there is a certain amount of information that you're going to need before going down this path...
> 
> Do you happen to know how your wife's phone is backed up (i.e. via local PC or Mac running iTunes, via iCloud, or not at all)?
> 
> ...


Also, what kind of phone do YOU use?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TRy said:


> Even if there was a spare laptop, it would not contain the files that she has on her laptop, and it would take more effort than it is worth setting it up and configuring it for only one day. That being said, why would the supervisor ask the OP's husband to be the one that takes her instead another female worker?


Possibly true, but I've never worked anywhere in recent years where everything wasn't saved on a network or the cloud. What machine you use didn't matter. (Of course I am projecting from my own experience  )


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Which model?
> 
> Copying and pasting from PMs... change "she" to he", "her" to "him", "wife" to "husband", etc as needed...
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> I have a 4s. I'm not sure what model he has. His has a larger screen and seems lighter. It was given to him in Dec or Jan. I don't think he backs up his phone. I know his ID and password for iTunes, but he never uses it and doesn't use icloud either. I don't know the password for email associated with the apple ID. I know his screen lock password. I don't think any other devices are associated with his.


Does he have his personal e-mail (the one linked to his Apple ID) in use on his phone?


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Does he have his personal e-mail (the one linked to his Apple ID) in use on his phone?


The standard mail icon is for his work email, which I don't have a password to. I have seen him access his personal email on his phone though.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would remain concerned and vigilant. Frankly, I would not totally trust your husband (or trust but verify) if I were you. Gus is going to give you some great advice about the phones and VARs. Take his advice, especially placing the VAR in the car. I would also ask my husband for access to his work phone and e-mails.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> The standard mail icon is for his work email, which I don't have a password to. I have seen him access his personal email on his phone though.


Hmm.

What app does he use to access his personal e-mail on his phone?


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm.
> 
> What app does he use to access his personal e-mail on his phone?


I'm not sure. Does dr. fone work well on an iphone?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> I'm not sure. Does dr. fone work well on an iphone?


Yep. And very well, actually. But there are some caveats, hence my questions above.

Based on your answers, your best bet will be to attach his phone to a PC or Mac w/ WDF pre-installed, and then run WDF against the phone directly. When you do this, Apple _may_ send a notification e-mail to the e-mail address that is linked to his Apple ID, so you'll want to be ready to intercept and delete that e-mail.

It's also worth noting that you'll likely need his screen unlock code in order to do this, along w/ anywhere from 15-60 minutes of uninterrupted access to his phone.

Alternately, you could use iTunes to take a local backup of his phone and then run WDF against the backup. This may lessen the amount of time that you'll need to have the phone in hand, but you'll still want to be ready to intercept the notification e-mail from Apple. Oh, and you'll still need the screen unlock code for this.


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## rainbow_2 (Oct 21, 2015)

Thanks for your help everyone! Nothing turned up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rainbow_2 said:


> Thanks for your help everyone! Nothing turned up.


Honestly, there are enough red flags in your initial post to warrant further investigation. I'd recommend using WDF to check his phone _at least_ every couple of days to a week.

Also, I saw mention of him possibly having another phone (a separate phone for work, perhaps...?) in someone else's reply. If so, there may be something there.

I'd also recommend that you work to get access to his personal e-mail account. There could be tons of stuff there. Ask @badmemory.

You may also want to (seriously) consider placing a VAR in his vehicle as well.

Either way, once you're confident that there's nothing going on (please Please PLEASE keep looking, also continue updating us here so that we can help you w/ logistics, making sense of anything that does or doesn't make sense, etc), you should probably have an honest conversation w/ your husband w/ respect to what you consider to be acceptable boundaries, especially regarding your discomfort w/ the fact that he chooses to spend time alone w/ a woman (or Hell, women) that is NOT you, not to mention another man's wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd pay a visit to his supervisor and have a talk.


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