# Girlfriend is being wishy washy



## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

Hello,


My girlfriend and I have been together a couple of months now. She's very insecure but a fiery woman,if that makes sense. Everything between us has been great (to my knowledge) till this point. About a week ago,I took her home and dropped her off with no signs of anything being wrong. The next day I text her and she was pretty unresponsive. After a couple of days,I asked her if she was ok. She said she just needed space to recharge. So I tried to give it to her. I think it was pretty evident though that I was really panicky and fearful of what was going on. 

She finally told me yesterday that it's true that she needed to recharge and sometimes it takes her awhile to get back into a position of dealing with people. She added that she was trying to balance that ,as well as talk to me, so I didn't feel completely dropped. She went on to add that she wasn't sure what happened just that on our last date she just suddenly felt disconnected from me which in turn made her feel bad. Which she said has slowed down her recovery. She's being rather wishy washy about things. We've agreed to stay apart for a couple of week and reconvene in a couple of weeks to let her do what she needs to do. Of course,I already see it as the death nail. Enter extreme panic mode. I'm trying to only respond when she texts me to give her the space she needs but I'm afraid that by the time we meet again that I'll still be panicky and not my usual more confident self. However,I'm also balancing trying to give her space and fearful that by not being around will cause more distance.

We did have a bit of a falling out the day before all this started. It was nothing serious though (to me). We're both gamers. I started a new game to play with her and unsure of what to do. So she's been helping me figure it out. What happened though was that she was going one way and I didn't see where she went. She whispered "follow" to which right away put me on a bit of defensive and replied "I would if I knew where you went" She got offline soon after that. She told me prior to our date that she got upset because she feels so out of control with a lot of her life and has such little time (she's a single parent) that she doesn't appreciate procrastination. When I picked her up though,she seemed her usual,charming self. 

This part may mean absolutely nothing and just me being panicky. There's a guy that she's known for years. Before we got together, he confessed that he was in love with her. She says she didn't buy it though and insisted to him that he's still in love with his ex. He later proceeded to try to make her jealous by showing her two pictures and asking which woman was prettier (she has very low self esteem). He's done a few pretty horrible acts but she remains friends with him. Social media (which can be the death nail to relationships) she tagged him in a couple of posts that were honestly very innocent. Then yesterday she posted an article about some varying issues of low esteem and depression. He replied basically with that she's never felt like a burden and he enjoys her blunt honesty. That he loves her points of view and who she is as well, and that she can talk to him anytime. I had commented first as well basically saying that I know she has some issues but I'm here anytime that she needs to talk and commented about the article itself. She hit "like" on my comment but pressed "love" on his. I've never felt threatened by him before. Like I said,I may be overly panicky about this and making something into nothing but thought I would throw it out there. I have not commented about these little things to her in an effort to not seem possessive or clingy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

If she asked for time/space, you have to give her that. Anything else will push her away for sure.

At that point, the only thing you can do is to focus on yourself. Do you have other friends that you can do things with? If so get busy socializing with them.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

All women are crazy. 

After few months, you will know about 10 percent of the crazy.

Take the crazy you know about now. Multiply it times 10.

Run.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I don't know nearly enough about your situation, and more importantly your girlfriend, to give solid advice. What I can do is share just one man's experience which may or may not be similar.

When we were dating, the woman who became my wife would go through similar spells. She was a very private person who needed a lot of space. She had had a very bad previous relationship with a very controlling, and ultimately violent man, and so she was particularly wary of anyone who felt the need to be around more than she wanted him around. 

I took it a little personal at first, but learned to read her mood and even to be able to predict when it would be okay to reapproach. I developed a real sixth sense in that regard. I understood not only who she was, but also who she could be, and bi giving her space when she needed it, she got to where she felt safe with me and then could be around me happily more of the time. 

She has told me numerous times over our now 32 years together how happy she is that I didn't take it personally, and that I was strong enough to be able to go without being with her when she needed her space. The final benefit is that we ended up spending more and more time together to our mutual benefit. 

And when we were dating, she did not lack for other suitors. I knew this and it would have been very easy for me to overreact or assume the worst. Had I behaved in a jealous manner, that would have been it. 

Now to reiterate and be clear, I have no idea whether any of this experience in any way relates to your particular situation. What I can say is you really need to be in tune with her feelings and be able to tell if what she's saying is matching what she's doing. If there's a disconnect there, there may be problems, but as long as everything's on the up and up, you have a good chance. The question is whether or not you are capable of, or willing to, handle this. It can be a long process and it is not for the easily dissuaded or impatient.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Dating shouldn't be full of drama, poor communication, or insecurity. Remember that if a woman really likes you she'll make dating her very easy. Sounds like you two are a bad match on multiple levels, and since the point of dating is to find compatibility it's not a big deal to recognize the signs and not invest time in partners that aren't a good fit. 

You sound like you have little dating experience and low self confidence, so I'd recommend that you read the book How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

People with very low self esteem do not make great relationship material, and she sounds like she has more going on than just that which make her not great relationship material. I would let the other guy have her if I were you.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP: I counted five times the "panicky" word out of your post. 

How old are you? 
It seems that you need to man-up, and put yourself and your wants/needs first. Why are you so afraid? Why do you go all panicky?
Do you think that this girlfriend is all you can ever do?

If this woman is this Wishy-whashy with you, what are you waiting for? Be a man. Tell her good luck and good bye.

You are letting her dictate your future, your happiness; while you're in suspended animation all "panicky" giving her every inch she deems necessary. 

I'll let you know into a secret: YOU can take charge and decide how's it going to be with any woman from your end part of a relationship. They don't like it: NEXT.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You have been dating 2 months, which is around 8 weeks. 7 of those weeks progressed normally, and the 8th week has been tricky. I'm not sure that this has been going on long enough for her to even be an official girlfriend. The fact that you are this panicky about what is barely a relationship speaks to probably a lot of in security and tendency to suffocate on your part. You really need to calm down and slow down.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Yeah I agree with @personofinterest you need to calm down.Eight weeks you’ve been dating and you are sounding like a little girl who has lost her puppy.
This could be a case of you coming on too strong or it could be a **** test.Either way stop acting like a lovesick teenager and act like a man.
Make her aware that while you want her as a girlfriend you don’t need her and under no circumstances contact her until she lets you know she has had enough “space” and if she is in contact with her other would be suitor just leave her to it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Think to yourself about this:

Do you want a woman whom you have to constantly be "panicky" about, or one that thinks you are THE STUFF?

Do you want to be in love with a woman who "loves" another man's comments and "likes" yours?

You are not in control of this woman. Until you are in control of your own emotions, you will never have a truly fulfilling relationship. 

This woman you're dating......... Send her packing and go find one that worries about making YOU happy. 

YOu're wasting gas on this one.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

It's likely that the "space" and time she needs is to see if there may be a future with the other guy, if not she will have an epiphany that you are the one and only for her, and if so her "space" will become permanent and you will be dismissed. Don't be a fallback plan. You should do as other's have advised and move on for your own good and betterment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Panic mode after a couple of months? No. 

You work on you and let her work on her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Count me in as another poster asking how old you are. I'm assuming you're very young - the gamer aspect and your constant use of the word 'panicky' kind of gives you away.:grin2:
You're going to have many, many girlfriends over your lifetime. She's not your last whistle-stop. That's a promise.


You've been dating for two months. In the scheme of things, that's literally just weeks. Work on yourself and figure out why someone after only 2 months has THIS kind of power over you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rex424 said:


> There's a guy that she's known for years. Before we got together, he confessed that he was in love with her. She says she didn't buy it though and insisted to him that he's still in love with his ex.


Can you see anything wrong with this OP? If someone apart from my husband told me they were in love with me, my response would be that I am flattered but happily married, it's best we don't communicate anymore.

If someone I'd been dating for 8 WEEKS told me they needed space, I'd tell him he could have all the space he needs and wish him well. Next!

Don't sit around waiting for HER to decide what's going to happen with YOUR life.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Rex,

i would tell her that if she needs her space then by all means have it but tell her you will not be waiting around for her to get her act together and certainly if there is something going on with that guy you certainly are no one second fiddle. I want you to understand something Rex, you have arrived at one of those critical points in a new relationship, namely who has greater control of a situation, if you allow her to dictate the rules, than she will always dictate the rules and you will eventually lose your spine, i dear say you have already begun that loss...now id the time to take back your backbone and tell her what others have noted here.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> If she asked for time/space, you have to give her that. Anything else will push her away for sure.
> 
> At that point, the only thing you can do is to focus on yourself. Do you have other friends that you can do things with? If so get busy socializing with them.


Myself,I'm 28. She's 25. 

I'm trying to give her space. I've made no contact today other than when she texted me at work to share something with me. 

No friends that live anywhere close. I moved here a few months back so it's really just me.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I don't know nearly enough about your situation, and more importantly your girlfriend, to give solid advice. What I can do is share just one man's experience which may or may not be similar.
> 
> When we were dating, the woman who became my wife would go through similar spells. She was a very private person who needed a lot of space. She had had a very bad previous relationship with a very controlling, and ultimately violent man, and so she was particularly wary of anyone who felt the need to be around more than she wanted him around.
> 
> ...


Honestly,some of that really did sound like some of what she's been through. Her child's father walked out without any word when her son was but a year old and hadn't attempted to be involved until recently. His new fiance apparently encouraged him to try to get parental visits with his son so she's been dealing with that. After him she was with a guy who would make her have sex with him everyday. She found out later he had hoped to get her pregnant so she would marry him. Then she had another guy she was just friends with that tried to force himself onto her and that happened not too long before we met. Then of course there's this friend who confessed his love and then proceeded to do some pretty horrible things that I haven't mentioned. 

I'm a bit calmer,oddly,than I was this morning and if I'm really thinking clearly I doubt there's anything to really be worried about with this other guy. He was there before me and she wasn't interested in him so why would she suddenly be interested now? However,being only 2 months,while she is a wonderful person most of the time,I gotta figure out if this behavior would truly be worth putting up with long term.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Dating shouldn't be full of drama, poor communication, or insecurity. Remember that if a woman really likes you she'll make dating her very easy. Sounds like you two are a bad match on multiple levels, and since the point of dating is to find compatibility it's not a big deal to recognize the signs and not invest time in partners that aren't a good fit.
> 
> You sound like you have little dating experience and low self confidence, so I'd recommend that you read the book How to be a 3% man by Corey Wayne.


It's funny you mention him. I was on YouTube earlier and came across a few of his videos and he seems to make some sense in the things he says.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Rex,
> 
> i would tell her that if she needs her space then by all means have it but tell her you will not be waiting around for her to get her act together and certainly if there is something going on with that guy you certainly are no one second fiddle. I want you to understand something Rex, you have arrived at one of those critical points in a new relationship, namely who has greater control of a situation, if you allow her to dictate the rules, than she will always dictate the rules and you will eventually lose your spine, i dear say you have already begun that loss...now id the time to take back your backbone and tell her what others have noted here.


Thank you for your reply. You are right. I do need to figure out how to take charge during all this. I guess you could say her and I are both damaged to some degree. Myself,I grew up in an abusive home and as such a lot of the women I have dated are emotionally damaged to some degree. Right now,I've turned off my social media messenger. I'm not posting or liking anything. So far today,I haven't contacted her at all other than when she text me earlier and just gave a quick reply and went back to work. On the upside to distract myself,I spent longer than usual at the gym. If I'm really honest though,I have a real problem with worrying about hurting or making someone mad so then my own emotions end up bottled up. I've never been particularly good at confrontation.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> You have been dating 2 months, which is around 8 weeks. 7 of those weeks progressed normally, and the 8th week has been tricky. I'm not sure that this has been going on long enough for her to even be an official girlfriend. The fact that you are this panicky about what is barely a relationship speaks to probably a lot of in security and tendency to suffocate on your part. You really need to calm down and slow down.


You are correct and tonight for whatever reason I am a lot calmer than I was this morning. When we started out,I was barely texting her and she would start texting me before she even went to work. My end of that part hasn't really changed much. If I text her and she doesn't reply then I don't text again till I get one. I'll openly admit that I'm insecure about some things as well. Which I think a lot of that relates to the unknowing of what's going on or perhaps the sudden change in attitude reminds me of some previous relationships,which certainly doesn't help with the panic feeling.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You'll keep repeating this pattern with women unless you do some hard work on yourself.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Start focusing on YOU and back off her for a while -- continue with the gym, start trying to make friends for yourself outside of your activities with her, etc.. Since you are new to the area, start going around and get familiar with the locale -- go to some hiking groups, etc. where you have a chance of meeting other folks who like to do what you do. This way you are NOT so focused on her and that relationship. Give her time and see what happens.


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## Rex424 (Jan 20, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Start focusing on YOU and back off her for a while -- continue with the gym, start trying to make friends for yourself outside of your activities with her, etc.. Since you are new to the area, start going around and get familiar with the locale -- go to some hiking groups, etc. where you have a chance of meeting other folks who like to do what you do. This way you are NOT so focused on her and that relationship. Give her time and see what happens.


I absolutely do. I've been looking around some for activities I enjoy around here but so far main thing I've found is going to the movies. Going to not contact her again today and see if she reaches out or not. Which,part of my problem is I came out of a marriage with a ex wife who cheated on me. I took a couple years away from dating to work on myself. I honestly thought I was in a place where I could handle some of this again but it doesn't really seem to be the case. The logical side of me knows that it's irrational to keep thinking about her so much the other side of me is going "hmm,I wonder what she's doing?" Which is like you said,gotta find things to occupy my mind.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

That's great. The prob with the movies is of course meeting people to become friends there. Maybe try meetup.com to find groups that are doing things you like to do and participate in those?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't quit playing the field quite yet. Why do you feel you have to stop meeting other p


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Don't quit playing the field quite yet. 

Why do you feel you have to stop meeting other people at this time?

Just a thought.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

JangtoJaanu said:


> To my mind, you you should play with her a game which is called "teeter-totter".A lot of psychologist use it to animate relationship.First, you give her space and act like you don't care. The next couple of days you pour her with compliments and lovely words like this mspylite.com, then again you act as if you even don't know her. You will see that it works.Girls like this.


Ugh. Girls do not like games. You are trying to suggest to emotionally unbalance her in an effort to 'get the upperhand'. Those are games played by little boys who can't handle real life and real relationships.

OP do not do this. Text her if you want don't text her if you don't want. Not seeing her is already giving her space. But if you are watch star wars today "May the 4th be with you" and you think something is funny then text her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JangtoJaanu said:


> To my mind, you you should play with her a game which is called "teeter-totter".A lot of psychologist use it to animate relationship.First, you give her space and act like you don't care. The next couple of days you pour her with compliments and lovely words like this mspylite.com, then again you act as if you even don't know her. You will see that it works.Girls like this.


This is a zombie thread and the op hasn’t been back in over eighteen months. 
You on the other hand know absolutely nothing about women or dating and with this bs you are posting I wonder have you ever had a girlfriend in your life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Another old zombie


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