# Wife feeling "empty" Need advice!



## dolfan (Jan 4, 2010)

I contacted Dr. Ellen Kreidman nearly 2 years ago. I was troubled about my marriage and was worried it was over. At the time, I was married 18 years. I was not a bad husband (no drinking, smoking, drugs, etc). I was not abusive. However, once married life took over, I took things for granted and my wife felt unappreciated over the course of time.

Understand, I NEVER stopped loving her, I just didn’t show it the way I did when we were younger. She brought it to my attention several times, and I guess I was kind of listening. Finally, she told me again and cried and she said she felt empty inside and didn’t think she has anymore to give.

Well, it been almost two years since I incorporated Dr. Ellens techniques, and I must say I’ve changed at least 80%. However, she is still having trouble “giving” in the relationship. She says she now cries nearly every day because she feels she is hurting me by not be able to give. She says she still feels empty and does not want to hurt me anymore.

I do not want to give up on this. I love her, and she still loves me very much. 

Any advice on how to help her/us???


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Could you sign up for ballroom dance classes? Many women like dancing a lot, and it probably couldn't hurt you to get out of the house and do something just for the two of you once a week.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

id say try to do more things to bring back the fun times into the relationship and also when she says that tell her na she is giving plenty and you appreciate it , you may be surprised after a little while of doing that how it takes a effect on her , let her no you think she gives plenty let her no you appreciate what she does and does give and i will bet she starts to feel better inside , it might not happen right away but it will happen if you just stay on it that way. Say little things to her and make her smile about something like dinner being great or how she did this or that it really caught her eye or even let her no she is sexy when she does something that catches your eye . I really do believe that will help her and into help you both feel more comfortable and happy.. But it takes your effort and work to do so and you have to be aware of it at all times till it becomes second nature and always keep it a surprise to her.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

dolfan said:


> I contacted Dr. Ellen Kreidman nearly 2 years ago. I was troubled about my marriage and was worried it was over. At the time, I was married 18 years. I was not a bad husband (no drinking, smoking, drugs, etc). I was not abusive. However, once married life took over, I took things for granted and my wife felt unappreciated over the course of time.
> 
> Understand, I NEVER stopped loving her, I just didn’t show it the way I did when we were younger. She brought it to my attention several times, and I guess I was kind of listening. Finally, she told me again and cried and she said she felt empty inside and didn’t think she has anymore to give.
> 
> ...


So do I understand correctly that you went to Dr. ellens and you made lots of changes?

Does she agree that you have focused on her a lot more?
Has SHE done anything during this time (2 years) to work on the marraige?

I DO NOT like the statement that she does nto want to hurt you anymore when I dont see (at least i dont see) what she has done to help the situation.
It feels like a cop out.

Sorry if I have the wrong impression.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What have you done as far as changes? Bringing her flowers, etc. are nice but won't automatically create or re-create an emotional connection which is what most women need to feel to 'give'...are you close? Does she talk to you about how she is feeling, things that bother her, her hopes/dreams, etc? Does she appear to be depressed?


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## dolfan (Jan 4, 2010)

swedish said:


> What have you done as far as changes? Bringing her flowers, etc. are nice but won't automatically create or re-create an emotional connection which is what most women need to feel to 'give'...are you close? Does she talk to you about how she is feeling, things that bother her, her hopes/dreams, etc? Does she appear to be depressed?


I would not say depressed. She has good days and bad. she is upset that she feels "shut off" inside. I've been told she has yet to let go of her anger and resentment, and the "shut off" feeling is a defense mechanism for her. I think we may be in a good place if she was able to let her anger go.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yes, how to get there is the hard part. 

The wall she has built (which I am very familiar with personally) is to protect her heart ... if she felt unappreciated, that she didn't matter much, at some point she built this wall to keep strong and forge ahead.

By 'give' do you mean sex or giving herself emotionally as well? Do you go on dates? Have you started anything new together that you both enjoy? Having fun and laughing is a good way to begin to feel close again. Just not sure what you've tried and where the two of you are at as a couple.


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## woodphi (Jan 12, 2011)

Swedish, I am experiencing the same thing with my wife feeling and having in her words nothing left to give and wants a divorce. This was cause over a period of years(7) of us not keeping out marriage alive and me not listening to her needs and us as a couple not communicating. Can you tell me more about the empty feeling....I still love her very much just didn't take care of her enough and show her that. Thanks.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Can you take a trip/vacation with her? No strings or pressure for sex or affection - just go with the flow and re-connect.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to the forum, woodphi! 

First, I would recommend starting your own thread as you will receive a better response & I don't want to hi-jack dolfan's thread by responding to you in this one. (Click on 'general relationship discussion' and then click 'new thread')

Second, I would first recommend a book called 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. He talks about 'love tanks' and I believe the empty feeling is akin to an empty 'love tank' and also goes into details on how to identify how you/your wife feel loved (by acts of service, physical touch, etc.) so you can figure out what makes each other tick. I also believe that if you take initiative in trying to improve your marriage (as you are by coming here) she will see you are serious about making changes.

Running out and buying flowers, etc. seems more like a scramble to win her back vs. truly wanting to change the way you interact with her.

Start your own thread and I will add more


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