# Helping Husband Deal with Depression while I'm Pregnant



## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

I'm 30 weeks pregnant. My husband has recently told me that he's been thinking for the last 6 months that we were never meant to be together and that he's been constantly unhappy for the last6 months only smiling once when he went fishing with a friend.
I encouraged him a while back to go to therapy/counseling because I felt due to some medical issues (he started having seizures in the past few years) that he was depressed. He finally agreed a few months ago and went solo. But after his first session he started saying that the problem was our relationship. I went to my first session and we go together this week. I found out he didn't even talk about his depression w/ the psychologist just our relationship.
In our talks he says that he is committed to working on our marriage, but his actions, tone of voice, and recently his words all point in a very negative direction. He admitted last night that he can't see things positively like me because he is so overwhelmed with anxiety of not knowing how any of this will turn out. It's like he's given up and is unwilling to even try and reclaim what I know we once had (and what he now believes never existed). We've been together 9 years and married 5.
He says he'll be there for me and our child and goes to childbirth prep classes with me, but it's an emotional rollercoaster for me. Our family is 16 hours away so we don't have them living here for support. Last night talking with him about it made him get the worse migraine I've ever see him get and he just withdrew even more.
Anyone else having a similar experience or any advice?


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I'm not a Ph.D psychologist and no one can say anything definitive based on a single message board post, but my intuitive reaction to your story is that he is fearing the loss of his independence as he becomes a Dad. Further, I suspect that this fear sits in something of a blind spot for him - so he doesn't really understand it, or possibly he does but won't discuss it for whatever reason. 

This sort of undistinguished or unexamined fear works the same way any fear does: it triggers the natural instinct to "fight" or "flee." So if the fear is unexamined, it seems pretty normal for him to start thinking, "I've gotta get out of this marriage."

My hope would be that the psychologist would help him figure this out and would help him examine what he's really committed to in life. A commitment can endure through all manner of changing wants, wishes, hopes, desires, fears, and uncertainties. 

Good luck.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

How old is he? Also, you mentioned that he doesn't talk about his depression with his therapist but rather the relationship. What does he perceive is wrong with the relationship?


----------



## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

He is 29. There are many things he perceives wrong in the relationship. Many I agree on and are things that can be fixed and many feel like a skewed way of looking at things.

I'll own up to the fact that over the years I have put my career first and he's gotten the left overs of me. I'm not the best listener and have been selfish in many ways. He is stuck now on the fact that he goes all the way back to the beginning of our relationship and says that we moved too fast and he lost who he was. He doesn't know who he is at all anymore and doesn't know why he ever loved me. He still loves me but he feels more as a friend, because in many ways I've been very supportive of him (moving for him to go to school and and supporting a career change and with his medical condition). He is still sexually attracted to me but has decided to not do anything with me because he doesn't want that to cloud his decision of the marriage, which I don't really get. 
I have already begun working on the things I know I've been neglectful in our marriage, but he's admitted he's so deep in the hole that he either doesn't notice the changes or when he does he feels like it's overwhelming that they're happening. He even says that he's not a super touchy feely person, but he used to be when we began our relationship. Now he doesn't hug me, touch me, etc. 
I've read a ton of books all with different advice and I'm working on not being clingy because I know from him it'll push him away. 
The most conflicting thing for me is that he said he wants to work on our marriage in one breath but in the next he says that he doesn't know how much longer he can do this because having been thinking about it for 6 straight months now the anxieties and what ifs of each scenario play out in his head and drive him crazy. 
I feel that his depression is compounded by lots of things - our relationship troubles definitely be one of those - but also his medical condition which I think make shim think about mortality a lot, his job which he doesn't love at all (and he took because I didn't want to move again), the baby coming, etc...He admitted he was depressed back when he had his first two seizures because he was stuck at home all day long. He says that depression went away and just the marriage stuff is what is left, but I just refuse to accept that. My biggest problem is right now I feel like he admitted that his negativity about fixing our relationship is derived from the sleeplessness, anxieties, sadness, etc (all depression symptoms) and he can't see a light at the tunnel. It's prevented us from doing anything more than talking about the problems and not working on solutions. Last time we talked about it a few days ago he got so overwhelmed by his anxieties he developed a terrible migraine (he doesn't usually get these or headaches really). We'll see what our first couples session brings today...


----------



## vertigo (Jun 3, 2010)

Please rule out that he isn't having an affair. I heard this same stuff frm my husband when I was pregnant last year and turns out he was cheating. I HOPE I'M WRONG!!! (((HUGS)))


----------



## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

I have ruled out affair. He was talking to a friend that he liked a bit in college for a few weeks months ago, but told her that he didn't want to anymore because he had to give his relationship with me a chance since I'd committed to going to therapy with him and we had the baby coming. She lives half way across the US. He's been very open and honest in therapy and with me about this and his feelings.

We've had our good/bad days since starting therapy. Usually the day of and after are good and he's got a clearer head, but then it clouds up again as he puts it. Last session he admitted that he himself has a lot of stuff to work on and it's not just me and him stuff anymore. He admitted that he's always for as long as he could remember been a people pleaser and put others first in relationships to his own detriment - not just with me. It's just we've been together and he's been doing this for 9 years. He's still got this revolving cycle in his mind of anxieties about everything. 

The therapist made some suggestions about the depression but he's not into meds or yoga/meditation type stuff for his nerves/mind. I try to avoid conversations about "everything" at home and save them for marriage counseling because one thing we discusses his me not pressuring him for his thoughts/feelings/etc. Not everytime he's silent is necessarily a negative thing (although I kind of feel it is because it means he's still thinking all the negative thoughts in his cyclical way) and feelings the stress and anxiety of everything -baby, unhappiness with job, medical condition, relationship, etc. 

I try to help him find a new job he likes better and try to give him decompression time when he gets home from work which he asked for since it sucks the life out of him, but I feel his depression has got him stuck where he can't really take any initiative to go job hunting or anything on his own, so I just kind of let it be. Anyway...thanks for all the thoughts and hopefully this update gives a bit more info.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

No one here can help you with this man. What you describe is textbook, and he should be on medication. I cannot tell who you are saying is not into medication, but your husband needs med. If you are talking about the doctor, then he is a crackpot and you need to find another doctor. You will rock and roll with him until you finally see that you cannot help him. And you won't be able to tolerate it either because it will wear on you physically and mentally. If this is your first baby, you have no idea what you are in for. It will be an extremely stressful time for you - happy but stressful. You do not have the ability, energy, or stamina to deal with two newborn children. That sounds harsh but is the way it will begin to feel to you. It's all just too stressful. You need to be at your peak to take care of a newborn baby, but your husband will drain the life out of you. Look at the three posts you have made. It is simply too much. You are exhausted already and at your wits end. You have no idea what to do because no one can handle a person with mental problems if the person is not on medication. Even if he was on meds, life will still be a roller coaster ride because he will stop taking the meds periodically. This is classic behavior. He will not be a rational person until he has medication.


----------



## addie (Apr 19, 2010)

i am sorry to hear you are going through this. i went through the same thing just a few months ago. i am now 35 weeks pregnant. my nightmare started just a month after i found out i was pregnant witha baby we planned(baby number 2). he told me he didnt have feelings for anything anymore including me and his daughter. he said he felt empty. i just played it off and tried to fix it but he never got better. my story is alot longer but im gonna keep it short. wheni was 17 weeks prego he left me and tried to start a carefree life with his friends and well a new girl too. not good. i was so far away from family that i just sold my house, packed up and moved. he got scared and came with me. im not sure if its normal for guys to get like this but in all honesty itr really sounds like your husband might just be scared of responsibility of a new baby. just remember when baby is born that you are still a wife and need to fulfill his needs as much as your babys needs. i forgot that and almost lost everything.


----------



## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

Thanks Addie,

He just admitted over the weekend that his depression is more real and an issue that he wanted to believe. He's really in the past month gone through a lot of different emotions - which are so textbook male depression - so I've been reading a lot about it and know that I need to be supportive but also realistic with him and not allow him to only hear his depressed negative side of things. His grandfather just passed away so that was hard on him this week too traveling for the funeral. 

It's more than the baby for sure though that is a huge thing. He began having unexplained seizures periodically 2 years ago which began the depression, he is bored to death by his job but no others doing what he wants are open in the area, we can't move until we fix up things in our fixer upper home because we'd lose money on it...all very overwhelming for someone dealing with depression.

Susan you seem to be saying to just pack it in and give it up, but we've only just begun working on all of this together - he's been struggling alone for a while now. I'd be no wife (baby coming or not) to leave someone who I care so deeply for. I have seen since coming into the picture in therapy that each week he is making baby steps and coming to new realization (no longer is it just a marriage problem but things he's done his whole life, the depression too hopefully will be discussed this week). My husband is against medication - the dr will support either decision. You can't force someone who is depressed to take meds w/o alienating them and I don't want him to if he's not willing on his own unless I felt he was in such a dark place he was a danger to himself or others - he is not. Admitting something is a problem is an important first step. I've read a lot of recent research that suggests medication is not always the answer - sometimes a quick temp fix and sometimes just a placebo affect. The hormones targetted by many of the meds aren't even proven to be the ones that are always causing the depression. I'd prefer he tackle it from both angles, but I'm settling for therapy together for now. It took a lot for him to admit to me yesterday on Father's Day that his depression might be more of an issue than he first wanted to believe.

I'm sure my posts seem crazy to some people, but this is a good place to vent when I have my bad days with this too and if someone is going through a similar problem at least they will know they aren't alone. We can't know how life will turn out, but I remain positive. Right now most people in his life don't know what he's going through - he's been vague to mom and talked some to his friend who's been depressed before, but not the way he opens up to me. Yes, this is hard, but I have friends supporting me and therapy is benefiting me as well in this long, slow process. Our baby in a few months will certainly complicate everything, but that's life and we will deal the best way we can.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like what he needs is _education_. About depression and what meds can do for him. Read him some articles.

I also want to point out that this:


> He was talking to a friend that he liked a bit in college for a few weeks months ago, but told her that he didn't want to anymore because he had to give his relationship with me a chance since I'd committed to going to therapy with him and we had the baby coming.


 IS an affair. It's an emotional affair. And even if he called it off, just having conversations with her opened up a WHOLE NEW WORLD of possibilities to him; now, he's not just depressed or bored; he's depressed and bored _and _feeling sorry for himself that he's stuck in THIS life when he could have had THAT life. The one it never occurred to him he could have had, until he caught up with her and started seeing it as a possibility. So now, when he wants to work on the marriage, half of him still floats back to the 'what if' of moving on - that's the affair fog talking. Does that make sense?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

hoping4thebest, I didn't say anything like that, so I don't know how you interpreted my post that way. If I wanted to suggest you leave him, I would say those words specifically and you wouldn't have to wonder what I "seem to be saying." I was strongly urging you to make sure he gets medication(s). Depression you describe is a mental disorder that falls under the bi-polar spectrum. You are only fooling yourself to think you can help him or to think the two of you are working on this together. You are like every single person, wife, girlfriend, mother, father, family member when they first discover their loved one's problem. Everyone initially wants to help and be supportive and be loving, and be logical, and be....... But like everyone else, you will discover soon enough that this is totally illogical and completely out of your hands and his. It will only get worse, and no amount of understanding or support can help. I feel I can't convince you since you've done the research, but you are going to end up wondering where the research came from, to whom does it apply because it won't be your husband. So, alas, I fear I cannot spare you the inevitable sense of failure one gets when they become exhausted and finally give in to accepting this is stronger, bigger, and way beyond their abilities. You will feel like you failed him, like your love and support weren't enough and nothing else you tried was enough either. When all you had to do was believe neither he nor you nor the two of you together can manage a mental disorder without medication.


----------

