# Just need support.



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am not an idiot. I know that the marriage I am in is in bad shape. I just need people to listen. I have no one to talk to. My husband is addicted to video games....he is playing right now. He also is battling an alcohol addiction. He wants to drink but knows he has a problem with it. He doesn't help me around the house...spends very little time with me or our three kids...is down right hateful to me. He spent father's day with his family. They went out to eat and he couldn't take us.( Me and the boys) No money for that...but in the past week he has spent 120 dollars on two video games for himself. Funny, huh.
I can't cry in front of him...because I am pouting. I do not with hold sex or attention from him because that is blackmail. It only does more damage. I am very lonely. Can't talk to my family because they resent him and belittle me for staying with him. I can't talk to his family because they enable him....and think he can do no wrong. I should just shut up and let him enjoy himself. I can't talk to even my truest friends because they also think I should just chew him out and "make" him take responsibility. So.....I work with a lot of men....and there is no way I am going to act like I have problems at home because I do not want any inappropriate relationships to develope. So I act like everything is alright all of the time. I really just want to be loved and valued.....and on here I feel safe talking about this....so anyone who is a willing listener and willing to talk to me....I would so much appreciate it. Thanks.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ohhhh...your situation sounds so familiar except for the $ part. My husband too was addicted to video games...couldn't go to his parents they would always "protect" him, if I went to my parents were always like tell him to GTFO. Hubby...opps we recently he's gone from hubby to Ex, (his decision) so guess I better start calling him that. My ex, had alcohol issues before, got them in check, towards the end of our marriage they surfaced again, and now it's OUT OF CONTROL, I try to talk to him about it (we're still friends, although I'm not sure how much longer that will last we'll see if that friendship is strong enough for me to witness what he's doing atm) anyways I try telling him the booze is OOC but he thinks it's not (he thinks alot of things are in check that aren't)...I'm here...talk to me I'll listen...PM me or if you're comfortable talk more in your thread. 

Hugs
Rhea


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

There's a support group called alanon that is for family and friends of alcoholics. its a free group with mostly women. i went to the groups a few times and it really helped me. i was able to talk about the frustrations without being judged, but more importantly i learned some tools to help me regain control of my life. You might think of looking up a group in your area but even if you dont there is some literature on their website that was very helpful for me. 
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Count me in too--I'm always ready to lend an ear. PM if you need to. As I already stated, I put up with that problem 14 years. Well, the gaming part. He always had plenty of money for the games and other things. It was crazy though! How old are your children? How long have you been married?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I've been married almost ten years. My sons are 8 and 5. I also have a 15 year old from my first marriage...which was a disaster. My husband knew how badly my first husband treated me...cheating ...drugs..alcohol and he beat me. I can not believe that someone who knew all of this and who once was so kind and patient has turned out to be so mean. He tells me to shut up and to leave him alone. He never goes out or leaves the house when he is off work...he just gets online with his brother and plays....or just plays alone if his brother isn't available. Fact is...I do it all. HIs mother is a control freak and so is my mother. If I ask him to spend time with me....he threatens to leave. He needs time to himself. I would love to go to al-anon. I will definately check ito that. My dad was an alcoholic and we don't see each other...and my first husband was an addict. But my husband just started this in the past few years. It's like...wow....he's not even the same person. It's confusing. Sorry for going on and on....thank you so much for listening...and I do appreciate your kind words. I'm not computer savy....what's PM?


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

PM is Private Message....which it sounds like you are welcome to PM us anytime  Don't apologise for going on, here's where you get it all out...so feel free don't be shy.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks....It's hard to go on without anyone to talk to. He has played a total of 7 hours of video games since 11 this morning...and he is still on it. Usually he quits around 1 or 2 in the morning. That is even when I have to work and get up at 6 in the morning. He only plays in our room. At least he isn't in the living room where he would disturb our two smallest children. You guys are great for listening. I will try that PM thing. God bless you.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

ohhh....7 hrs? what's his wekaness? what games are causing the addiction...are they online? Like WOW, Final Fantasy, or is he a console player....XBox etc.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ps3. Seven hours is just a one day total. He plays every day for hours at a time. I estimate at least 30 to 40 hours a week on the system ...he plays everything. Baseball...football...Ghostbusters...it's the system itself...not just one game. he says it is how he relaxes. Yesterday ended up being 9 hours on the game....Today he has been on it for a couple of hours...but I'm not sure how much because I was gone to church and then visited my mom. I started a private log to keep up with the hours so that I know I am not exagerating. He spent four hours total last week with me and 0 hours with our kids.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Damn, Denise! 

How would you like someone to come up behind you, wrap their arms around your waist, hold you tight and kiss your neck? 

I'd MUCH rather do that than ANY game!  

I think you deserve so much more!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

My suggestion: 

Try telling him his "_penis will get smaller by .1mm for each hour he plays boxes..._" as you _"saw a study...honest!" :rofl: 

That is what I tell my sons who want to be on the darn things 24/7, truly amazing! 

You *gotta keep a sense of humor* while you work through it on here with us on this board!

Agree your dh is out of control, people around you are likely fed-up with what they see you doing (codependency). 

SO - here we are. Nice to see you found us. Hang in there!_


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your father is an addict, your first husband is an addict, your second husband is an addict.

you'll be amazed at how much al anon will change your life, if you let it.

and take some of these fine people up on their offer to speak more privately.

it might help.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh thank you all so much. And I intend to find an Al anon group. You guys are making a big difference for me. It's the support I never have had...and you will never know how much I appreciate it. I am and I guess have always been codependent. Seems everything anyone in my life has done has somehow been my fault. And I appreciate the humor. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Do you know that I actually hate video games? It's not wrong to hate inanimate objects, is it? I do my best not to enable him....and I put a limit on how much time my children can spend on those stupid games. How can you enjoy a game more than your wife?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> I am and I guess have always been codependent. Seems everything anyone in my life has done has somehow been my fault.


that is classic codependency. good for you for seeing it.



DeniseK said:


> How can you enjoy a game more than your wife?


i guess the same way a man can love alcohol, heroin, speed or crack more than his wife.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Guess so. What do you do? He can stop playing long enough to have sex, then he is right back to the games. It's hard to deal with day after day after day. I wish he would at least spend more time with our boys. It's hard for me to show them how to play football and baseball. But I try.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I always told the ex if you think you're going to get off the computer long enough just to get some a$$ and then get right back on it you're dead wrong...if you want to get off, get some a$$ cuddle and some other things then okie dokey...if not I'll be in bed by myself...possibly handling things....by myself...and nope...you can't watch. TTYL. Sometimes he got off (pun intended) (off the comp and got off ) and sometimes he just sat his bum a$$ right there and didn't move.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ha...Ha...Ha....that is so funny.  I can't imagine the look on my hubby's face if I told him that. He can be pretty hateful to me when I try to ask him to spend any time with me. Of course his idea of spending time with me is hanging out with his family...like this little vacation we are going on this weekend. That is his idea of quality time together. Of course he won't be paying me any attention....I'll be hanging in the kiddie pool with my five year old. I don't mind that so much...my five year old is better company these days. But adult time is nice too. And don't think for an instant that his mother and father would watch the boys while we sneak off to dinner together alone....she has only babysat for us three times in ten years. All three times were in the very beginning. She doesn't have much to do with my boys. Says it's my fault. But she never offers to babysit and she doesn't have time if I ask. I'm stressin just thinking about it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yeah, I had the gaming thing going on too. Some nights the stbx would stay up until 1 AM playing. I always went to bed at 10:30.
On one of the rare occasions we went to couples counseling, he had the nerve to complain about our sex life. Hello!!! I was the one in bed; he wasn't!!! When I told the counselor that, he then tried to tell the counselor I went to bed at 7:30 every night. These folks with a gaming addiction are pathetic! Good luck curing this problem--only if you have a permanent power outage! lol


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Laughing. At least you guys make me smile. He has gotten much worse. Now he does nothing but make back handed comments about the house not being cleaned or boo hoo..when I said I needed to wash my work clothes. He tells me to shut up and go on if I say those words are cruel....all the while slinging his controller in front of my face. I so wish he would have hit me. I am so sick of being treated like I don't matter. Ugh. I told him that he wouldn't be able to hid his cruel remarks forever.....and yes....maybe I am stupid for staying with him. Maybe he deserves to be kicked to the curve and I should just sit back and watch him spiral out of control. But I took MY vows dang seriously....for better or for worse ...sickness and health. And believe me...he definately has a SICKNESS.....I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hide power cords to PS3 watch husband spiral beg for mercy, sex, dishes, laundry, rock and roll, the whole sh*t and caboodle...treat him like child. One hour w/wifey, earns one hour of PS3, ok honestly that'll probably never work but in my head it does....sounded good at least...


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Or...tell him that if the PS3 had a p**sy and could cook his dinner he'd be set...you'll see if you can work on that for him...I said that to my ex at times...at least it made me laugh


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I think we have played each of those games...He is extremely protective of that system. All of my friends and family...and even some of his family have told me to pack it up and hide it. But one time lightening ran in on his system....while he was playing it.....and it was roasted. I hid my delight. The next day...he went out and bought a new system...even though we didn't have the money for it. I mean we literally were living pay check to pay check. 200 dollars to relieve his misery. He also had to buy the game that was stuck in the system ....so that was extra money. He truely loves his games....and I told him I knew the only woman who he would cheat on me with would have to have a game port and two contollers for arms. He laughed ....thought it was hilarious. He is sick....and I mean that seriously. Thank you for your support. It truely does help. I don't feel so alone anymore.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am so sick. We are taking a "vacation" with his family. It's just three days but they have been so inconsiderate of me in their plans. Pushing me to get off work earlier than I am suposed to and planning who is riding in what vehicle....Not me with my hubby. I commented to my hubby that it didn't seem right....I want to ride with him...we never see each other. He blew up....told me that he might have only come home because of the kids. He says he doesn't think our marriage can be fixed. How selfish of him. I have been busting my tail to do everything...bending over backwards to make him happy....getting told to shut up everytime I open my mouth and HE is the unhappy one? I have cried all day and hid it pretty darn well at work. Then....here is the huge surprise.....I called the preacher's wife to make time to talk...thought it would help me some. I lost the number so I called my sister in law(married to his brother) and casually asked for the number...I didn't cry or act sad or anything. I was totally casual. He called me five minutes later and wanted to know what I thought I was doing. My sister in law had called him to ask if everthing was alright. She didn't ask me that....and from her history I believe she is trying to make things worse. He hates her....and I can't stand this. I am going to have to spend four days with these people.....I just want to scream.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Good for you for trying! and going out and doing things without him!! I give you so much credit for that. I basically have the same problem, mine in not addicted to anything but seems to be allegeric to the honeydo list. and avoids it at all costs. I also feel like i am doing everything by myself. he doesnt help me with my kids, bills, house, yard, vehicles, etc. and i get the same thing. i need to relax because i work. UGH i hate that excuse.
good luck


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> I am so sick. We are taking a "vacation" with his family. It's just three days but they have been so inconsiderate of me in their plans. Pushing me to get off work earlier than I am suposed to and planning who is riding in what vehicle....Not me with my hubby. I commented to my hubby that it didn't seem right....I want to ride with him...we never see each other. He blew up....told me that he might have only come home because of the kids. He says he doesn't think our marriage can be fixed. How selfish of him. I have been busting my tail to do everything...bending over backwards to make him happy....getting told to shut up everytime I open my mouth and HE is the unhappy one? I have cried all day and hid it pretty darn well at work. Then....here is the huge surprise.....I called the preacher's wife to make time to talk...thought it would help me some. I lost the number so I called my sister in law(married to his brother) and casually asked for the number...I didn't cry or act sad or anything. I was totally casual. He called me five minutes later and wanted to know what I thought I was doing. My sister in law had called him to ask if everthing was alright. She didn't ask me that....and from her history I believe she is trying to make things worse. He hates her....and I can't stand this. I am going to have to spend four days with these people.....I just want to scream.


WoW! That is very inconsiderate of him. and my prayers go out to you. I basically there with you, i have been crying for the past 5 days. Too bad other people try to make more problems for us. i have considered talking to my peacher also, so good for you. Since it looks like you are going, even if it is just for your kids... try to make the best out of it. stay away from the ones that are hateful to you {even if that just leaves you with your kiddos}, and focus on making it a happy times for your little ones. {GET DRUNK, just kidding}

Is there No way you can get out of going? Just tell him fine, since you dont want to drive with me, dont want to be with me, then me and the kids will stay home and you go with your family. 

good luck....


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sadly I think he would be fine with that. He really doesn't spend any time with them either. Thank you for your prayers. And you should go talk with your preacher. When we first started working things out....we both went and he had this burst of enthusiasm toward me. He knows the difference between right and wrong and that is why he doesn't want me to talk with the preacher and his wife. He is scared to death that I am going to "tell on him." But this isn't for him...it's for me. And as far as the trip goes....I want to enjoy it....but the backstabbing sister in law and bossy mother in law won't allow that. They don't get along with each other either. So at least I get a kick and laugh out of watching them go at each other. I'm more passive....I just nod and smile and then puke( not literally) later. Still....we always spend the fourth with my mom...who has helped us out so much(financially and physically) and who has been our only babysitter....but he is so inconsiderate. I don't mind sharing time with both families ...even if they can be mean and snotty....but dang....we are just starting back together...and on shakey ground....this really sux.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

hmmm, that is really too bad he is being an azzhole then. you are like me, and would love it if he defended you with his family. even if he doesnt participate, by saying nothing it hurts. 

i really dont know what to tell you, i am right there along with you, different husbands (of course), different reason (but very similiar). 
right now i am trying to decide if i want to tell him to move out now or after the forth of july (so he can have one last good holiday with the children). and with his attitude, i have been so tempted just to go on the 4th without him and tell him to be all moved out by the time i come home.

well, at least you get some entertainment watching the mom and sister in law. sometimes passive is the only way to get thru the day.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

D: see thread I started about PS, WOW addiction.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Denise, just tell him you and the kids won't be going. Period. Take them to a movie or something, out to McDs. 

I don't see why you feel compelled to go...especially with people that don't respect you...I'd bail in a heartbeat!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Denise, just tell him you and the kids won't be going. Period. Take them to a movie or something, out to McDs.
> 
> I don't see why you feel compelled to go...especially with people that don't respect you...I'd bail in a heartbeat!


:iagree:

There is no need to subject yourself to this--life is short! Be sure to tell him why you aren't going. You are probably dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder here and you need to take some control away from him.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I am trying to be supportive and respectful....even if he isn't. I don't want to stoop to his level of immaturity. The only thing that would help is to make me feel better for the moment...then I would feel bad later for not giving it my all. I guess the whole life...lemons...lemonade thing comes to mind. And like I said...I can enjoy watching my mother in law and sister in law go at it.....(sarcasm). But at least the focus won't be on me....they'll have to face off with each other. I don't know....I have definately lived through worse.
As for my hubby....he is giving me the silent treatment....not hugs no smiles....nothing. IT sucks. I think he has built up walls himself and is refusing to let them down. He doesn't want to face what kind of mess he has made of himself. He doesn't want to act like a grown up. He wants to act like a fifteen year old. So....I got my work cut out for me.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Oh come on....

i dont think anyone would say "oh she didnt give it her all" just because you take a stand to protect yourself from his abuse and his familys abuse by not going on vacation. It doesnt really sound like they would miss you not being there anyway. So that is not stooping to his level of immaturity and nothing for you to feel bad over. I am wondering how is it being immature by deciding you dont need the abuse and hatefulness he is acting towards you. And staying home and doing something with your kids instead of caving into his demands. It is more mature to stand up for what is right and moral, and stop being a victim, then it is to play video games all day, give you wife the silent treatment and choose your mother over your wife. 

i still give you credit for trying to keep things going without your husbands help, but please dont start playing the victim because he is treating you badly. You can be strong, and stay home. You dont have to go on this vacation especially if it is not going to help anything anyway. You dont always have to make lemonade every time life hands you lemons, you can refuse the lemons and choose the oranges (bright and sunny). 

But you have to take that first step, and it sounds like you are now using him as the excuse not to stand up for yourself. You are being supportive and respectful but it is not working, he still chooses his games, his wants, needs and like over you and your children. you have already proven you are not immature by raising your kids and trying.* By rolling over to his damands you are not giving it your all, you are giving in.* You need to stop it somewhere. he already walks all over, treats you like sh*t. Is this something you want your children to learn? Dont you deserve better? Dont your children deserve better? 

All i can say is if he built a wall around himself and wants to act like a fifteen year old, you have more then your work cut out for you. How many years are you going to raise your husband like a child? When are you going to realize that he has to raise himself and make the right decisions himself? you cant do it for him. 

But all i can say, is good luck. I still say kudos to you for raising your boys, and keeping the house by yourself. I know that is not easy. But i am beginning to think that you enable him to treat you like sh*t by saying the things you said above. And you really dont desire a better life or want to actually stop the behavior, you are the victim. Only you can stop yourself from being the victim. 

I dont think you can change him, good luck in trying thou.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I guess the whole life...lemons...lemonade thing comes to mind.


It would be hard for me to not pour the lemonade right into the PS3.

To me, it sounds as though you just want him to spend quality time with you and the kids...that watching him play ball with your son in the yard would put a huge smile on your face, yet he's choosing to spend that time playing ball with an inanimate object. That if he could just put some time and energy into you and the kids, you would feel loved. You deserve that.

What triggers his rude comments? Are they totally out of the blue or is it when you ask him to stop playing the games, etc? If it's happening when you confront him about something you don't like, I would try just backing off and start doing the things you wish he was doing with you and the kids and invite him along...say you would love to have him along and the kids would too. 

I understand wanting to give your marriage a chance, but it will be very difficult for things to turn around if he just doesn't care. Saying hurtful things to you and continuing to spend hours on end on games has to become unacceptable at some point. If he continues to decline your invitations to spend time with you & the kids, I think you need to tell him specifically what he needs to start/stop doing in order for your marriage to work and you will be willing to listen to his needs as well.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> i guess the same way a man can love alcohol, heroin, speed or crack more than his wife.


_we don't _love drugs, alcohol or games more than our wife...

my wife described it that way too...a disease that made me love the substance more than my family...

i promise you, that's not the case. something has happened that made us turn to the substance or game. if we could make it go away (myself, i let alcohol go. it was not difficult when i figured out the true cost of abusing alcohol) we would.

please believe us addicts. we hate ourselves for what it is doing to those around ud. and *we love you*. we suck, and we know it. which drives us farther into despair. we want to stop. we haven't been able to. until we _figure out the true cost of abusing_. i am sorry. i hope this makes sense to you.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

It suprisingly does. He denies the addiction to gaming...and to alcohol...but when he looks at me...I can see something there...like he devalues himself. When I confront him...he gets very angry...and that is how most of the hateful things come out. But at other times...he just wants to be left alone. I use to argue with him about it...say it was wrong what he did...and how he was treating us. This made matters so much worse. He would always reply..."I"m just a bad person." Now when he says that...I tell him the ways he isn't bad....I tell him what I do love about him. The thing is...I agree. There is a reason behind the addiction...and I think it's his mother. She tells him what to do and as long as I've known him...he has rebelled against her. Just recently...he stopped....I mean cold turkey. He just acts like everything she says is alright. When He was 4, he was playing on a playground with no supervision....they lived in an apartment...and his mother was a few stories up in the apartment. He fell off the play structure and had a terrible ...almost fatal head injury. He has a large scar between his eyes. He had swelling and stayed in intensive care for weeks. His mother didnt' even stay at the hospital with him.....From what he has said...she just didn't have that maternal instinct that I have...(for one my kids wouldn't get to play alone at 4...so far from my sight. and I wouldn't leave one so sick in the hospital intensive care alone either.) 
I don't know what it is....but our preacher let on to the same line of thinking. There was a trigger. 
VOIVOD......you sound like someone who might actually be able to set my thinking in the right direction. Tell me more about what goes on in an addicts mind. How can he love me and tell me that he doesn't care? Why does he resent me so much? Is there ANYTHING your wife could have done differently to help you? Or is there one certain thing that got you back on the right path? 
THANKS.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> VOIVOD......you sound like someone who might actually be able to set my thinking in the right direction. Tell me more about what goes on in an addicts mind. How can he love me and tell me that he doesn't care? Why does he resent me so much? Is there ANYTHING your wife could have done differently to help you? Or is there one certain thing that got you back on the right path?
> THANKS.


wow..what goes on in addicts minds??? i'll tell you what went on in mine:

i always felt that i could "manage" my addictions. that she thought they were "cute". but they're not. and we addicts don't pick up on the signals. unless the signals are attached to a 2x4. what really worked for me was my wife left the house. she is not coming back unless she can be sure that the "old me" ain't coming back. alcohol/financial/porn issues.

i know that sounds stupid. i mean for your husband. it's only a video game!!! i can hear him rationalizing...it's not another woman, or illicit drugs, or pornography...it's every bit as damaging though.

you gotta throw down the gauntlet if you want it to stop.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Been there. It got so bad back in March that I told him to leave. He moved out...started church....quit drinking.....layed off the games. We started counseling. Then....the minute I was unsure of us....told him I needed him to be there for me...he went completely cold. He attached to his mother and brother like glue. None of them supported me in my decision. They actually thought his problems were my fault. Oh and did I mention that his mother told me that we couldn't work things out unless I went to her church...Not a different religion...just her church. I went to their pastor.....their advice.."we need to get him in here and do some one on one. So....I convinced him to go...just me and him and the pastor and his wife. He told my hubby that he had to put me first over his family and over everything else. That he couldn't carry grudges against me. (Apparently I am too emotional) So....my hubby suddenly changed. He was loving...until the minute we set foot in front of his family...then he was distant and cold toward me. But that eased a bit and he moved back home after three months of separation. 
Fast foward three months later...now. He has turned into something much worse than before. He is so distant and cold. If I bring up the games....caually...he goes over the edge...23 hours in one week is just more than one woman can bare. 
It all exploded just in the past few weeks....when he shut me completely out. He refuses to say he loves me...tho I tell him all of the time...without the pressure of having to have him say it back. The pastors wife insisted that threatening to leave or anything like that was not in the best interest of our family unless there was cheating or abuse. And I have to admit....I was skeptical...but I feel better not putting ultimatums on him. It makes me feel like a completely commited partner ...even through this sickness. That is what I want to be.
I came from a broken home with an alcoholic father....and emotionally void mother. Her idea of soothing is..."Grow a back bone" And...my first marriage ended in divorce...(Abuse and cheating and abuse and drugs and alcohol.) He almost killed me. So.....here I am....not wanting to enable...but wanting to love him through this. Am I completely crazy. That is why my thread says Just need support. 
But I am curious. How long did it take you to realize that you needed to sober up? What was your first reaction to the separation? I honestly think you were on this site to help me.....it's just a strong feeling. So....please...spill.. And maybe I can give you some perspective on how your spouse feels.....Wish you the best....thanks.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> Been there. It got so bad back in March that I told him to leave. He moved out...started church....quit drinking.....layed off the games.*typical. he DOES want to love you the right way.* We started counseling. Then....the minute I was unsure of us....told him I needed him to be there for me...he went completely cold. *self protection, i promise. it's hard for us addicts to have someone depend on us.* He attached to his mother and brother like glue. None of them supported me in my decision. *they are displaying classic codependency (hate that word) symptoms* They actually thought his problems were my fault. *oh **** yeah, blame the goddammed wife who has suffered through the bull****. oops, sorry.* Oh and did I mention that his mother told me that we couldn't work things out unless I went to her church.*control--another classic codependency symptom!*..Not a different religion...just her church. I went to their pastor.....their advice.."we need to get him in here and do some one on one. So....I convinced him to go...just me and him and the pastor and his wife. He told my hubby that he had to put me first over his family and over everything else. That he couldn't carry grudges against me. (Apparently I am too emotional) So....my hubby suddenly changed. He was loving...until the minute we set foot in front of his family...then he was distant and cold toward me. *wow...you're seeing a patterned response here right? he's trying to please mommy by showing the lack of care that she once did toward him* But that eased a bit and he moved back home after three months of separation.
> Fast foward three months later...now. He has turned into something much worse than before. *he knows how much he can get away with, and how far out he can push the envelope and return to it's normal form* He is so distant and cold. If I bring up the games....caually...he goes over the edge...23 hours in one week is just more than one woman can bare.
> It all exploded just in the past few weeks....when he shut me completely out. He refuses to say he loves me...tho I tell him all of the time...without the pressure of having to have him say it back. The pastors wife insisted that threatening to leave or anything like that was not in the best interest of our family unless there was cheating or abuse. And I have to admit....I was skeptical...but I feel better not putting ultimatums on him. It makes me feel like a completely commited partner *good. that's admirable*...even through this sickness. That is what I want to be.
> I came from a broken home with an alcoholic father....and emotionally void mother. Her idea of soothing is..."Grow a back bone" And...my first marriage ended in divorce...(Abuse and cheating and abuse and drugs and alcohol.) He almost killed me. So.....here I am....not wanting to enable...but wanting to love him through this. Am I completely crazy. *nope, you see there is a light at the end of this long, dangerous tunnel* That is why my thread says Just need support.
> But I am curious. How long did it take you to realize that you needed to sober up? *oh ****, the day beth cried these words to me: "why would you do this to someone who worked so hard to keep you alive!!! (and that was 100% true).then she cried "i thought we were a team!!!!"* What was your first reaction to the separation? *shock-disbelief (because i could bull**** her through anything previously)-begged-cried-made empty promises-more shock* I honestly think you were on this site to help me.....it's just a strong feeling. So....please...spill.. And maybe I can give you some perspective on how your spouse feels*i can only tell you that i am a better man by 100%...but it has taken a year. do i still crave the attention that my former behavior used to get me? yes. do i still have the alcohol cravings? no, but i don't let myself go there. and i pray my a$$ off.*.....Wish you the best....thanks.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I pray a lot too. That is about all that I do....in my free time. I devoted myself to my children...and that isn't hard to do. They pretty much keep me busy. I do let him know he is welcome to come hang with us....and occassionally he does....for a little bit. But why is he saying that he only came home for the kids? Is it just to hurt me...push me away? I did the LOVE DARE book. It was very helpful to me....btw....if you haven't tried it...I highly recommend...it is christian based and can just make a difference in your attitude. 
Has your wife began to trust you again? I am having some doubts with my hubby. I wonder if he is looking elsewhere. He always comes home and he doesn't have any suspicious behavior....but it's the distance thing. Besides kicking him out or blowing up on him is there anything else you would recommend?


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

well...guess what.....He has decided to leave me. He told me tonight. I kind of knew something bad was coming. He didn't want to tell me but he has planned it out. He still wants us to go with his family....believe it or not. But he just doesn't love me. He says he has tried. What a liar. Anyway I'm not going. I can not pretend that things are fine.....so I don't see any sence in subjecting myself to the humilation....besides...I will probably need that time to prepare myself. Any suggestions? Don't understand...and praying for God's grace to bare this....again. So sorry for my kids...they were so looking forward to this trip. It's all they have talked about....and they'll be devistated that he is leaving again. even if he isn't around...they do still love him


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> well...guess what.....He has decided to leave me. *he isn't deciding crap! you're leaving HIM, slowly but surely. he knows that, and can't deal with it, so he's creating his own reality..* He told me tonight. I kind of knew something bad was coming. He didn't want to tell me but he has planned it out. He still wants us to go with his family....believe it or not.*good, go with them* But he just doesn't love me. He says he has tried.*okay, brace yourself for this: he says he doesn't love YOU. but the reality is HE DOESN'T LOVE HIMSELF.* What a liar. Anyway I'm not going. I can not pretend that things are fine.....so I don't see any sence in subjecting myself to the humilation....besides...I will probably need that time to prepare myself. Any suggestions?*your dude is a scared mess. he sees his world coming apart. the only way to maintain control is by doing what he is doing.* Don't understand...and praying for God's grace to bare this....again. So sorry for my kids...they were so looking forward to this trip.*which is why you should go...**** him* It's all they have talked about....and they'll be devistated that he is leaving again. even if he isn't around...they do still love him*of course they still love him. and you love him. and he loves you. crazy dynamics at work here. do you understand what i am telling you?!?* he is me and i'm telling you the truth, he's f-ed up...waaayy f-ed up. scared, grasping at illogical straws. please believe me


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you....I am going. I think it is the right thing. He can say he doesn't love me...but that doesn't mean I have stopped loving him. Your perspective is so clear. It is like you see things through his eyes.....not that I am getting up any hopes. I just think loving my children and showing him that I am not the enemy will be in his mind even if he tries to shut it out. He won't be able to look back and say that I didn't love him. I want him to know it....sincerely. If he wants to be miserable...I can't stop him, but I don't have to make this harder on my kids. They want this and It feels right.
You have made a lot of difference in the way I see him.....I hope you are right about him loving me. It makes no sence that he is so cold suddenly. But I also know that he is fighting some powerful demons.....and I can't solve this for him.....but until he puts the nail in his own coffin...I don't have to give up. 
I admire that you are honoring your wife and family....I hope she sees that you are working so hard...SOON. Every one makes mistakes and we all fall short....but everyone deserves another chance. I hope you get your family back together soon.....Please keep posting...it is so helpful to me. Thank you ....again.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Oh, Denise...I'm so sorry! I wish I had a magic lamp to make all of these problems better...sigh...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I have done a lot of soul searching. My heart is broken. I decided to go on the trip. It was a heart wrenching choice...but the right one. I am also loving him as tenderly and as genuinely as possible. I refuse for this to be nasty ....until he leaves. Then I know he will make it bad for me. He plans to leave monday or tuesday when we get back. He is so cold to me and the kids. So...I know it isn't because he just doesn't love me. There is a deeper issue there. I can't fix it...but I am praying and searching God's will. I truely believe that no matter what happens....GOD IS IN CONTROL. Please keep me in your prayers....and my family. I will update when I get back on sunday. Thanks again.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

DeniseK 
I feel what you are going through as we in very similar situations. Mine can't leave until after his back surgery & is completely healed. He is still uncertain of what he wants to do but I am going on with life. I have to because we have a daughter & she needs me just like I need her. You will be ok just like me.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Here's an update. I managed to go with him and his family. I spoke with his mother...told her that he was planning to leave when the trip was finished. She was insistant that I go. "we want you to go." 
The trip was hard. He packed his stuff...I packed for me and the kids. I cleaned the house...washed and vaccumed our van...put everything in the van and he played video games. 
We left....his mother and father in their car with two of the children...his brother and his wife and the other three kids with us.
I knew it was going to be tough...but he was only interested in his brother. Everything revolved around him.
we checked in and immediately set off to the water park...My hubby made a fool of himself playing like a teenager with his brother and ignoring his kids...even giving more attention to our 8 year old neice than to his own two sons. 
He even lost our 5 year old for a few minutes...letting him run off after my oldest 15 year old son . He had no idea where my baby had disappeared to. Was concerned but not frantic...which I was.
While I spent my time...(Knew I would) with the kids...he splashed about and continuously insisted on all attention going to his brother.
We went back to the room and he wouldn't help with the kids on the shuttle bus....distanced himself from us completely...to be near his brother. Then when back at the room...he never came in...just disappeared.
My children asked their nanna where their dad was. He has slipped off to check out the weight room...while I was left to do for our children. He didn't even have enough respect to poke his head in the door and tell me.
I pulled him aside and mentioned that even if he was leaving us...he should be respectful of me and the fact that (through his insistance) I had agreed to come. 
I knew he only wanted me there as a baby sitter...but it was all I could take.
I told him me and the children would just go home.
His mother got involved and told me I was simply panicking. DUH.
She insisted he wasn't doing anything wrong.
He wouldn't let me take my van....so I called my sister...who drove three hours one way to get us. They asked the kids if they wanted to stay without me...and they didn't. My mother in law even told me I wasnt going to take them
My immature sister in law ....pulled my hubby into the other room and said we were being too loud...for him to come into his family.
She insisted "This is rediculous..I'm getting tired of this drama."
Then while we waited for our ride, the kids and I prayed and read the bible in quiet. In the adjacent room...they talked about me loudly and then played cards hooping and hollaring with laughter much louder than our disagreement...until we left at 1:45.
I was told that I just didn't think of the kids....was selfish...they had spent all of that money...(we paid our third) their primary concern was for themselves...I explained that until you were faced with such pain you wouldn't know how it felt.
He was cold...harsh and selfish toward me...but what more did I expect.
We are safely home and my boys all gathered around me and told me how they loved me...I told them I was sorry we had to come home and even my 5 and 8 year olds understood.
I have a reason to suspect he is taking steroids now and wondering if there is someone else.
These people profess to be christians. I am torn and broken


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

DeniseK said:


> I am trying to be supportive and respectful....even if he isn't. *now remember. everything he does and says is done through the rationale of an addict. it ain't gonna all make sense to you* I don't want to stoop to his level of immaturity. The only thing that would help is to make me feel better for the moment...then I would feel bad later for not giving it my all. *can you settle into this idea: it IS your role as the healthy partner to make everything better. HE CAN'T. someone is likely to call you co-dependent. so what!* I guess the whole life...lemons...lemonade thing comes to mind. And like I said...I can enjoy watching my mother in law and sister in law go at it.....(sarcasm). But at least the focus won't be on me....they'll have to face off with each other. I don't know....I have definately lived through worse.
> As for my hubby....he is giving me the silent treatment....not hugs no smiles....nothing. *remember, through the filters of addiction. it's not gonna make sense to you, but he'll act mighty stupid sometimes.* IT sucks. I think he has built up walls himself and is refusing to let them down. He doesn't want to face what kind of mess he has made of himself. *that would equate to an admission of guilt/stupidity/whatever. you can't expect that. he's set himself up to do things an addict would do. which is be guilty/stupid/whatever. it's cool. you are the construction worker in this project...rebuilding a broken mess. that is okay.* He doesn't want to act like a grown up. He wants to act like a fifteen year old. *as do all addicts. we're immature* So....I got my work cut out for me.*well, if you do the work now, he'll recognize the effort. then you gotta hope he picks up the slack. my bethie had to reach the last strands of her rope before i recognized that i owed her some effort. but i did. and *poof* addiction handled.*


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I can't stop him from leaving. His family thinks he isn't doing anything wrong and that I should "Just grow up". A direct quote. Funny how they say that when they are not living with what he is putting us through. "put your children first". Another quote. But he is leaving us...whether it is for someone else or just because he is angry. I don't know. So he certainly isn't putting the children first. He is obsessed with his brother...and he talks to him as much as possible. His mother acts like I should just be alright....pretend that his actions are ok. I love him ...want him....would welcome him to be with us...but I refuse to support his behavior. I resolved to never ask him to leave....ever again. I did that months ago...and it made things much more difficult. I do believe in healing through love...but that you can only love someone who will let you. So....every chance I get ...I tell him that I love him...but he cant BS me....forgive me for using the term...I don't use cuss words anymore. But.....if he leaves and says it because he doesn't love me...and his actions are certainly a testimony to what he says....what else can I do? I want to believe that he is just angry and he has no reason to not love me.....I am not perfect...but I am good to him..beyond what is called for...and not in a self serving way. My mother says that I am too comforting and too loving...its' a curse ...


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