# Igniting the Spark



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

I love my wife more than anything else, and every other part of our marriage is amazing, but our sex life still continues to be a struggle. We have been married for more that 20 years now and are both in our 40's. Our kids are grown and out of the house.

Our relationship was the same old song and dance just like everybody else's. We began year's ago doing it like rabbits. My wife was crazy back then and willing to try just about anything. The sex was daily, intense and absolutely mind blowing. We eventually had two kids, and as would be expected, the frequency of sex slowed way down to perhaps once a week or so. As the kids grew up, it was a struggle to break my wife of the “once a week” routine that she seemed to grow so comfortable with. Believe me when I say that I've tried everything. At one point, I decided to hold out to see if she would eventually come to me for sex. That was a pure failure. In a game of "chicken," she'll win every time. When I bring up the subject of sex, she immediately goes on the defensive and starts firing back at me with the typical excuses. Too tired. Headache. We just did it the other night. I have to get up early in the morning. Etc. We both contribute to the income of the household, although the breakdown is about 70/30 in my favor. We live a comfortable lifestyle. Work around the house is about 50/50 but there have been many days where I’ve told her to have a seat and rest while I take over the dinner, clean-up, laundry, etc. I've tried back-rubs, the subtle "kiss hint" and all of the other suggestions out there. From the advice on this board, you would think my extra effort would net me a roll in the hay with my wife once and awhile. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble out there, but it's not as simple as that. So here I am, supposedly putting all of the pieces in place. I provide my wife with a low stress environment. I shower her with love and affection. I try hard to find her extra creative gifts on her special days (not necessarily expensive, but always with a lot of thought). I keep myself in good shape, looking young, fit and attractive. And more than anything else, I stay positive around her. 

My wife is also fit and certainly doesn't have a weight issue. She is active and normally gets daily exercise. She has no health issues. When I finally get her convinced to have sex, you'd think it was the greatest thing in life she's ever experienced. My favorite is hearing her let out an orgasmic scream. If there are other people within an earshot, she'll put a pillow over her face and scream into it. Without any prompt, she'll start talking dirty to me while we’re doing it. It's awesome just thinking about it. The point is, she really does enjoy having sex. I always offer to get her off first before we start the act to make sure she reaches climax. On rare occasions, I can tell she's making an extra effort and we might have sex 3 times over a 5 day period. Unfortunately, when this happens, it's typical for her to shut down for the next 7 days. If I later make an attempt to initiate, she'll say, "What’s your problem, we just did it the other day!" I guess in her mind, she's gone above and beyond. Although I have the drive to do the act every day, I physically need it at least every other day. Three days without, and I start getting edgy. My wife has made me feel guilty and selfish about my need for sex, but should I be? After trying every piece of advice I can find on this site and elsewhere, the only other solution I can think of is having the two of us seek help from a sex therapist, although that's easier said than done. I'd have better odds of winning the lottery than making that happen.

The most frustrating times are when she teases me during the day but rejects me later that night. Not long ago, she even told me to "do her" no matter how tired she was or how much she might reject me. Now how am I supposed to take that? The last thing I’m going to do is rape my wife. In the past, I have tried making a second advance after being rejected on the first, and I'll tell ya, it ain't a pleasant experience.

So the challenge here is getting my wife over that first hurdle of "igniting the spark." Once we get started, I can take it from there. So if anyone out there has overcome a similar experience, please let me know what worked for you. I’m all ears.

Cheers! ~ Sorry, I didn't intend for that to rhyme.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Have you tried alcohol? They call it panty remover for a reason and it sounds like your wife could use to relax anyways...


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

True that! Unfortunately, alcohol puts her out. :sleeping:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Do the two of you date? Go out... away from kids/house/chores? Have fun? Laugh? Play?

For at LEAST 15 hours a week.

Ya know.... like you did before the kids/bills/chores.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Do the two of you date? Go out... away from kids/house/chores? Have fun? Laugh? Play?
> 
> For at LEAST 15 hours a week.
> 
> Ya know.... like you did before the kids/bills/chores.


I have seen this 15 hour mark mentioned before on here (might have been from you but I think it was multiple posters actually). I'm curious how many people actually can reach that. I think it's agreat target but is it really realistic? I know you mean more than just sittinga round watching TV together, so what all counts towards this 15 hour mark?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

We don't really watch TV. We spend our evening doing all sorts of things together ( cooking/preserving, making beer/wine, doing DIY, talking and drinking LOL!!, redoing the DIY we did after too many ales... etc..) then we spend most of Saturday and Sundays together as well. 

We also go AWOL from work whenever we can and go fishing or kayaking or shagging whenever we can.

We do waaaay more than 15 hours a week. We could do that on one day in the weekend.

We have 3 kids, 2x businesses, rural property with big to-do list, animals... so we're really busy. We just do all this 'stuff' together.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

nwguy111 said:


> From the advice on this board, you would think my extra effort would net me a roll in the hay with my wife once and awhile. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble out there, but it's not as simple as that.


I don't know what threads you're reading. But, most of us will tell you that helping with chores will very rarely result in more sex.



nwguy111 said:


> My wife has made me feel guilty and selfish about my need for sex, but should I be?


No. Your needs are valid. Maybe you will have to compromise your needs and accept less than sex 3-4 times a week. But, you're already doing that. So getting closer to your desired frequency isn't an unreasonable goal.



nwguy111 said:


> Not long ago, she even told me to "do her" no matter how tired she was or how much she might reject me. Now how am I supposed to take that?


Is this a trick question? Is "at face value" not an option?



nwguy111 said:


> The last thing I’m going to do is rape my wife.


If she asks you to, it's not rape.



nwguy111 said:


> In the past, I have tried making a second advance after being rejected on the first, and I'll tell ya, it ain't a pleasant experience.


Was that after she told you to ignore her rejections?



nwguy111 said:


> So if anyone out there has overcome a similar experience, please let me know what worked for you. I’m all ears.


Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Just to be clear, the other aspects of our marriage are fantastic. Now that our kids are gone, we go out and spend all kinds of quality "date" time together. It's just hard for me to understand why after a great day or evening spent together my wife doesn't seem interested in sex.  

But on the other hand, if she can manage to somehow get started, we have great sex. :smthumbup:

I get mixed messages from wife and trying to talk to her about it is like throwing gas on fire.

One more comment to throw in. I would assume it's a turn off for most people to push their partner into sex. That's why the rejection thing kills the mood for me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Is your communication on topics other than sex good? If so, maybe ask her why talking about money, kids, etc. is ok, but if you talk about sex with her "it is like throwing gas on fire."


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

nwguy111 said:


> Just to be clear, the other aspects of our marriage are fantastic.


Yeah, but this is a big area. This isn't the same as saying that your marriage is great, except your wife doesn't like playing backgammon with you. No big deal. This is sex. This is a big deal. This is, potentially, a deal breaker.



nwguy111 said:


> I get mixed messages from wife and trying to talk to her about it is like throwing gas on fire.


There's usually two different explanations for why women don't want to talk about sex. First, she has decided to withhold sex from you and understands that this hurts you. Obviously, she can't very well announce that she has unilaterally decided that you should be having less sex, so tough cookies. So, she doesn't want to talk about it. She makes an excuse and, if you don't buy it, gets defensive and wants to change the subject.

Second, she honestly doesn't know why she's not into you as much as she used to be. Therefore, she can't really tell you why. It's confusing to her and makes her feel bad.

Either way, asking your wife what she's thinking usually doesn't help. What might help is running the MAP from Married Man Sex Life. You might be able to attract your wife again by doing more of what you used to do when she wanted to have sex with you more often.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think anybody increases the frequency of sex by playing Mr. Mom. It is an exchange of security for sex and it always has been since the first male caveman hooked up with a female cave person. Your's feels secure whether you get what you want or not. As a matter of fact, when she withholds, you pour on more security. If she thought she had serious competition or her gravy train was in doubt, she would strip out of her drawers like they were on fire. Find something to do away from home where there is an abundance of fine, available women. Act happy and confident around your wife but spend much less time around her and pretend you've forgotten that she even has a sexual component.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

We communicate really well on pretty much anything except this one area. For some reason, it's like unlocking Pandora's Box when I try to discuss my desire for more sex. It amazes me how the table gets turned and I end up feeling guilty or selfish. It's a tough road to travel down. If I do manage to make some sort of headway, the additional sex is normally short lived. Usually for about a week or so and then we're back into the same old routine. And the damage is done, because it often leaves scars. In most cases, I strike a nerve that ends up backfiring on me. Good luck getting anything then. 

I know it was a long shot, but I was hoping for a suggestion that I hadn't thought of yet. In the end, I may just have to suck it up, yank one out every now and then and live with things as they are. It's not ideal, but I love my wife too much and I can't see myself ever leaving her.


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## tab123 (Nov 15, 2012)

Sorry, but I dont think you have any issue at all. Your wife enjoys sex and is active. Whats the problem. Once a week or even a month is very lucky.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

nwguy111 said:


> It amazes me how the table gets turned and I end up feeling guilty or selfish.


That's because you accept your wife's premise that her needs trump yours. Once you've both accepted that, any argument is going to be short and you will lose.



nwguy111 said:


> If I do manage to make some sort of headway, the additional sex is normally short lived. Usually for about a week or so and then we're back into the same old routine.


Of course. Your wife isn't stupid. She knows she can give you some begrudging sex for a week and then it will take you another 3 months to screw up the nerve to make it an issue again. Winning!



nwguy111 said:


> I know it was a long shot, but I was hoping for a suggestion that I hadn't thought of yet.


I think you have gotten such suggestions. Take action. And b!tching to your wife doesn't count as action. Do something else. Run the MAP. Lower the thermostat. Run a 180. Change your behavior.



nwguy111 said:


> In the end, I may just have to suck it up, yank one out every now and then and live with things as they are. It's not ideal, but I love my wife too much and I can't see myself ever leaving her.


If your position is that your wife can't disregard you enough to make you leave her, and she knows that, then you're correct. Just sit down, shut up, and try to enjoy the crumbs.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

tab123 said:


> Sorry, but I dont think you have any issue at all. Your wife enjoys sex and is active. Whats the problem. Once a week or even a month is very lucky.


No, it's not. Average frequency for married couples is a little more than twice a week. Once a week isn't awful. But, it's half the average rate. Once a month meets the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. Wake up, man.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i have felt like your wife. my sex drive was very low. now it's higher. i'm not sure how to make someone want to have sex if they don't want it, but it sounds like your wife has screaming orgasms so there's something about it that she really likes. she has potential there. it must be the getting in the mood part that is hard for her. I would often think of myself as one of those huge circuit breakers like in the cartoons, where it takes herculean strength to push it up. that's what I felt it took to turn me on. I'd finally get there and enjoy it but it took a while to get me over that mental hump. one thing that changed for me is that i booked a couples weekend at a 'for lovers only' resort. sex is in the air there. prior to going, i got very excited about it and a switch sort of flipped in me. although you'd like sex more, i don't think 1x a week is so bad.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - you sound like a wonderful husband! Have you always been 'wonderful'? 

Not trying to be a smartar$e here at all...

From what I read , resentment is the #1 reason women go off sex. Is there any reason your wife feel resentment over something/s...things from years ago even.

You worked too long hours maybe or didn't support her at a time when she needed you..something like that... think back and talk to her about anything that comes up.

Maybe she's not resentful, i'm sure there are many reasons why people go off sex with their spouse. But no matter what...there is always a reason.... although some reasons are better than others.

And what's with this 'do her' stuff?.. does she want some kinky time maybe. Bodice ripping stuff or bondage or ??? I'd talk some more to her about this too. Maybe shes bored and doesn't want to say anything directly in case she hurts your feelings.

Who knows...only she knows... and she 'probably' does know.

The worst thing you can ever do is allow the communication lines to close. If you give up... nothing can EVER change/improve and it sounds like you have too good of a marriage to give up.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Teasing then rejecting is either genuine sadism or a desire for you to just take her. 

She wants you to 'take her' 

You are too focused on technique, and not really understanding that she wants edge. And don't wait til she is tired. Pick her up, throw her over the shoulder and carry her to the bedroom. 

You are too verbal and too polite. 

And please don't waste your breath:
I love and respect my W
I would never harm her much less rape her


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