# EA has ended... still having problems...



## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

Well this is my first time doing something like this. I always thought I had a great relationship until last year. It's a bit of a long story, but I'll try and keep things as short as possible. 

Bit o' history: My husband and I have been married or 6 years, together for 8. We have a 2 year old son and we've been through so much together since he is from England and I am from USA. We spent thousands of dollars and years apart to finally be together and we are. He's had his green card for about 2 years now. 

Back to the issue: Around 1 year ago, my husband met an eighteen year old girl through his work (he is going to be 29 soon). Not that age is really an issue, just trying to paint a picture. Anyway, him and this girl became friends, which I was fine with. I began to notice the amount of time he spent talking to her, between texts, calls, facebook messaging. Then there was a day that I checked our phone bill and they had over 200 text messages between them in a matter of hours. I got angry, called him and told him he was going to screw over our phone bill. I began to notice texts between them when we were together on family outings, visiting with friends or family, et cetera. I felt like all he wanted to do was talk to this girl. Eventually it got worse. I saw him hiding texts from me, not wanting me to see what they were saying. One evening, I saw what they were saying on facebook, and it was inappropriate. She obviously had feelings for him, and he wasn't returning them, but he was nurturing them. I started getting upset and his excuse was that he was just talking to her. His work place starting spreading rumors that they were having an affair. He assured me it wasn't true, that he wanted nothing but to be her friend. 

I eventually tried taking matters into my own hands. I was going to call this girl and confront her. Not angrily, because I'm not that type, just talk to her, tell her how I felt about her and my husband's relationship. Unfortunately the call was intercepted by her friend, (Girl B ill call her since she gets to be a returning character to this drama). She chewed me out basically, defending her friend saying I should have no issues and that I shouldn't be so insecure. I lost my cool a little bit, but ended up hanging up on her. 

Life continued. I continuously asked my husband to stop talking to her. He kept promising he would, but I would always find a text or a call history or a message. I found messages from this girl saying things like "I love you more and more everyday". Of course I got so upset. He told me it was a friend type love that she says to all her friends. BS is what I thought. 

One night when things really hit the fan, this girl called him at 1:30 in the morning, crying, complaining about her problems with her family. She told him she was at the park and as soon as he told me, i knew he was going to leave. He left his family in the middle of the night to 'talk' to her. I sat up all night crying. I tried calling my mother to come get me and my son, but I couldn't get a hold of anyone so late. He came back about 2-3 hrs later. He said that they just talked. 

Trying my best to keep this short, not working out ha. Over the next months, I dealt with him hiding things. Found out he was meeting up with her after work and not telling me. I left him a few times to show him how hurt i was, but i always came back. i talked until my face was blue about how i felt, trying to get him to understand, but it always went back to square one. I tried messaging the girl, explaining how I felt. this also got intercepted by her friend (Girl B) and I got chewed out again. My husband didn't defend me. I even tried being the girl's friend in hopes to patch everything up. I kept finding inappropriate messages, even when i tried to accept her. 

My husband was going through a rough time. His mother had just passed away and dealing with everything at work was getting to him. But he was using this as an excuse to keep in contact with this girl. He would say that he didnt want to depress me with his own depressing feelings, so he'd talk to this girl. I told him a wife is supposed to be there to listen no matter what it is. 

Around the end of December last year, this girl called my husband claiming to have been sexually assaulted by another co worker at his house. My husband told her to contact the police and so on. At work, this accused coworker kept trying to talk to my husband and he told him off. well the coworker told management he threatened him so my husband was fired. (over this girl). Which didnt make me happy at all. Though he wasn't working with her anymore, she still tried to stay in contact. Weeks later, my husband starting hearing additions to the story that the girl failed to mention. Such as the dirty dancing her and this coworker were doing, how she was leading him on and how she only contacted my husband because she knew he would react and defend her. Which he did, which cost him our livelihood.

This is when he finally stopped contact. She lied to him and cost him his job. We struggled for many months with no solid financial income and are still struggling to this day. She had tried to text him a few times, even call once or twice, but most were ignored by my husband. The last time she tried to text him, I texted her back asking to not contact my husband again. Which she replied that I would never hear from her again. 
When I told my husband what I had done, he got immediately angry, then suddenly calmed as if he didn't care, which I thought was a strange reaction. 

After all this, we've talked and expressed how each other felt and are trying our best to get through it. Of course it is very hard for me, because he did have an emotional affair. I do trust him when he says he never slept with her. I think he enjoyed the attention. He has admitted that he still wants to be her friend, but knows he shouldn't for my sake. I am finding myself checking his emails, his facebook, etc. He knows that I do it and it does annoy him sometimes, but he wants to show me that he has nothing to hide anymore. But lately, he's been talking with (Girl B). Who has since moved out of state. He talks to her mostly online and what upsets me now is that she constantly makes comments about me because she thinks that I think that they've got something going on because i've read their conversation once or twice. For an example, just two days ago, my husband and i were getting ready for bed and he checked his facebook and she asked him to call her (which is rare). He said he couldn't and asked if everything is ok. She asked why he couldnt call and she said "Brandi. It's Brandi right? Thought so." (Brandi is me obviously). I of course got upset, because I haven't been doing anything wrong. I might be invading my husbands privacy a bit, but what would anyone expect after being lied to, betrayed, etc. The thing that gets me now is his inability to defend me against this girl. She's said some pretty crappy things in the past and recently and he does nothing. If it was one of my family members who says or does something, he goes all out into 'bridge burning mode', but not with one of his friends. I told him this, and girl B continued to make a comment about me 'busting his balls' and he did say something to her. He told me he asked her to apologize, but of course I couldn't find that message. Now today, I see that he's messaging her again as if nothing happened and I feel like I'm at my wits end. After everything that we've struggled through, its like he merely pretends to care about my feelings. 

So I'd like to get some opinions, some advice, comments, whatever. Sorry about the long story, it is a years worth of drama though  Thank you everyone.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I think sometimes just getting some of this stuff out can be helpful, so no worries about the story being long.

You checking messages and being vigilant about his facebook, etc. is not the problem. The problem is that you don't trust your husband right now. Checking the messages is an attempted solution on your part. I would try talking to your husband about how important having trust is for you. Let him know that you want him and want for this marriage to work out. Let him know that you also want him to be happy. Suggest going to marriage counseling if he is willing.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

-Who owns your home or do you rent?
-Do you have a place you can go if you need to get you and your son out for a few days/weeks?

IMO you need to go nuclear.

Demand all contact with either of these women cease immediately.Make him send a No Contact e-mail to both women

Demand access to any and all of his communications so you can monitor any contact.

Inform him any lie/trickle truth/or BS you catch him in will result in divorce and mean it.

If he refuses any and or all of these then either get him to leave or you yourself leave (Depending upon living situation) and go 180 until he complies with your demands or he`s served papers.

Just my opinion.


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## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

@Riverside We both know that trust is a big issue for us and he knows my trust has been scoured down to about nothing. I've talked about how I want everything to go back to the way it was and he says he wants that too, but he's not making enough action towards it. I would love to go to counseling, but we are not in a position right now to afford it unfortunately.

@tacoma We rent and I have places to go, but he doesn't as all his family is in England. I tried threats before, but I guess I'm just weak in that department because I don't stick to them. I have tried to leave and told him I wouldn't come back until he straightened out what he wanted in life, but he would always say he only wanted me and I'd come back. I'm not a very confrontational person, so its hard for me to stick with something like what youre suggesting


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

Unfortunately, unless you are willing to follow through until he stops contact and stays that way, you're going to have to live with him talking to these two.

Have you gone to counseling? He's getting something out of these relationships - whether it's a rescuing thing or someone needing him, but it's fulfilling some emotional need - that seems to be worth losing his job and potentially losing his family. Until you guys get to the bottom of what that is, it will continue or this will end and something new, but the same, will take its place.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

saidiecat said:


> @tacoma We rent and I have places to go, but he doesn't as all his family is in England. I tried threats before, but I guess I'm just weak in that department because I don't stick to them. I have tried to leave and told him I wouldn't come back until he straightened out what he wanted in life, but he would always say he only wanted me and I'd come back. I'm not a very confrontational person, so its hard for me to stick with something like what youre suggesting


That`s too bad because your only other real option is to simply become the dutiful wife who looks the other way at her husbands affairs.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> That`s too bad because your only other real option is to simply become the dutiful wife who looks the other way at her husbands affairs.


+1 on this. You've taught your husband there's no long lasting effects to him cheating on you. So the odds of him stopping his behavior is small.

And don't kid yourself. The odds of this being simply an emotional affair are also very small.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, I do think you need to assert yourself in this situation. No backing down or giving in when he changes his behavior for a day or whines about wanting you back. Wait for significant and lasting change before deciding to go back to him.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Your story brings back a lot of sad memories for me...My H had an emotional affair for about a year or so....it got so bad we had to separate, because he wouldn't stop talking to her....eventually, he came to his senses, because he realized she was a nut job...I know it takes 2 people in an EA to tango, and I blame both of them equally, and of course, I am nowhere near perfect, so I know why he had this EA, and I have to accept some of the blame. However, an EA is NO excuse for getting back at me.
We are back together again, but still feeling the repercussions.
I want to wish you all the best in getting your life back together again.


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## HappyWifeHappyLife (Oct 12, 2013)

HappyAtLast said:


> Your story brings back a lot of sad memories for me...My H had an emotional affair for about a year or so....it got so bad we had to separate, because he wouldn't stop talking to her....eventually, he came to his senses, because he realized she was a nut job...I know it takes 2 people in an EA to tango, and I blame both of them equally, and of course, I am nowhere near perfect, so I know why he had this EA, and I have to accept some of the blame. However, an EA is NO excuse for getting back at me.
> We are back together again, but still feeling the repercussions.
> I want to wish you all the best in getting your life back together again.


I'd love to hear WHAT you did during the time he was gone? Were you nice to him, let him come to dinner, be kind? OR did you put strong boundaries up and let him have to work to get you back?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Why do you think the first girl was merely an EA? Because your husband said so? You know he lies to you, you know he threw away his job. For what? He -should- be throwing away his family, but you are unwilling to stand up for what is clearly wrong, and I mean so crystal clear, that even in your deep state of denial you know how wrong he is. Be honest with yourself. Read what little of the story you wrote. There are so many red flags in that, and that is likely just scratching the surface.

There is no going back. There is no changing the past. It's done, and it cannot change. But you can. You must. You'll live a lie, you'll never feel safe, should you refuse to respect yourself and demand more of your husband. More commitment. Real effort. Accountability. Responsibility. Transparency. Some real ****ing honesty for crying out loud!

Your problem right now is you. You are trying to accept what you know, in what you know are unacceptable terms. What are your terms? What do you want? What do you need? You need to figure this out, make it clear to yourself first, and then to him. And then you need to act accordingly. If he refuses to give you what you need, to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel valued, then you don't need him. The key, the critical piece that is missing right now, is that you need to come to terms with yourself about that though. You need to love yourself, value yourself, respect yourself. Even if you don't know how to do that right now, you need to start acting as if you do. Read threads here. Look for yourself in the stories. See how the harsh sounding advice that gets given is really the best way to cut to the chase, to improve your life. Maybe you can save your marriage, maybe not. No one here can know that, but we do know you can save yourself. You can make a better life for you and your child.


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