# Husband's job is hurting our relationship



## momof1 (Feb 17, 2014)

My husband works in another state more than 50% of the year. When he took the job 2 years ago I told him I would not like the schedule and wouldn't do well with it and he agreed that if it didn't work out he would look for something else. For 2 years I have been telling him that it is too hard on me to take care of our lives, finances, house, and child while he is gone. He refuses to even look for another job where he isn't gone all the time. I don't know what to do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Is moving to the state where the job is out of the question for you?

How often does he come home?


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## momof1 (Feb 17, 2014)

He works on the oil field and when he is at work I cannot visit him. No one is allowed on the field except employees. He works for 3 weeks, travels for a day and then is home for 2.5 weeks. So moving to another state won't change his availability to be home more often.


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## momof1 (Feb 17, 2014)

Another thing I forgot to mention is I am starting graduate school soon and I will need help taking care of our child while going to school full time. He says I am being selfish asking him to change. I think if something isn't working we should try to find something that works for both of us and he isn't willing to budge at all. I am getting to the point where I don't even want to be married anymore if it means still being alone and being a single mom most of the time.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If he won't look for other work, then you have to do what you have to do. 

1) stick with the status quo however miserable you are

2) divorce him

Those are your options. He's basically told you it's your problem.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your situation momof1. I know how difficult it can be. I raised our 5 kids (homeschooled), took care of the house, the finances, the yard, farm animals - everything, while hubby traveled for his job. Sometimes he would be gone all week and home on the weekends. Sometimes he would be gone for months at a time and home for a month. It can be difficult and draining.

Is there anything else your H can do and still make the same money? Being able to provide for you and your child is very important to your husband, if he can't make good money by not traveling he is not going to feel as if he is doing his best.

Do you have to go to school full time? Is there any way you can prolong it and go part time? Going to school full time even if your H is home will be very hard for you. You will have NO time to spend with your child or H. The amount of time you will need to study is overwhelming.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Let me ask you something. When you first dated your now husband, did you ask him what you did for a living? Oil industry tends to be international and you go to where the oil is, you can't just move oil fields to your neighborhood and transfer. 

I read a story once of this guy who got a lucrative job offer in Texas. His wife protested and said she was not going to move. He looked at her and said, "Honey I love you, but I can find a another good wife in Texas. She packed her bags and moved with him. 

The moral of the story, sometimes life doesn't revolve around you and your needs. Your husbands industry tends to favor those who are willing to travel to where the work is. Your husband is an oil industry worker. It is what it is. 

You have a limited amount of options here. Divorce, move or deal with it.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

momof1 said:


> Another thing I forgot to mention is I am starting graduate school soon and I will need help taking care of our child while going to school full time. He says I am being selfish asking him to change. I think if something isn't working we should try to find something that works for both of us and he isn't willing to budge at all. I am getting to the point where I don't even want to be married anymore if it means still being alone and being a single mom most of the time.


I'm sorry for your situation. 

From my reading of this, he hasn't always been in the oil industry? He took the job two years ago with the understanding that if it wasn't working out, he would find another job? Correct.

Now it doesn't seem like he is upholding his end of the bargain. Its wrong to call you selfish since you both agreed to revisit things if the situation didn't work out. Seems like he is placing more importance on his job than his marriage.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

momof1, I have a couple of questions to ask (as I'm a bit confused)...

Why are you starting graduate school when you know as things stand now, your husband won't be around to help as much as you would like?

Why is your husband refusing to look for another job? Is he worried about financial security or health benefits?

Please don't think I'm not understanding your situation. I'm married to an Active Duty soldier who has already weathered one major deployment and is in line to have dozens of smaller ones within the next couple of years. It's a running joke within the services that our spouses married the military first, us civilian spouses second. For us, home time is a at a premium...we are greedy and gobble up as much as we can. BUT (and a huge one at that), I know that if I ever told him I was through being a military wife, he would happily ride out his time until he separated and look for job that wouldn't send him away so often.

It just comes down to what is considered a priority (in our marriage it is the marriage that has the highest priority) and also how effective communication is.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Does he really enjoy his job? My husband has pretty much 100% job satisfaction. He just really loves his job and it fits him to a T. I just couldn't take that away from him. It also helps that the income is steady and the insurance is the best. The first half of our marriage he has a completely different kind of job, (dependent on the real estate market), and he was so miserable. I think it really affected our marriage at the time. Now, he's so happy and I think our little family is happier too. 

He is now a firefighter and works 24 hours shifts, sometimes 2-3 in a row. When there's a big fire he can be gone for up two weeks, (this just happened in January). I can somewhat understand that feeling of having to do everything for the household while he's gone, (I don't know how military spouses do it). When he gets back from being gone for long time, I don't want to make even one more decision,lol.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

OP - not sticking up for your husb because he should be thinking of you too. But if he didnt do this job what else would he do?

Would it mean a substantial drop in income and forced change of lifestyle for you? Would you be happy with that?

If not, then I don't think you can moan about it. I've got similar - wife loves spending money but then still moans about the inconvenience. Can't have it all ways.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

The money that your husband has earned has allowed you to be a STHM and now you want him to give the job up and look for something with hours that would support you wish to go to Fulltime College.

Honestly what are the chances of there being a job that you consider suitable that would have pay and benefits anywhere near those he is getting now. If the household is going to take a financial "hit" whilst you are at college (running up student debt?) how are the bills to be paid.

If / when you get your qualifications will your earnings be enough to make it have been worthwhile.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't understand how you are going to be able to go to school fulltime in this situation. Wasn't that discussed before he took the job or is this a recent decision you've made? It sounds like he's made a decision to stay in this type of job without your input, and you've made a decision to study full time without his input, and nobody appears to give any consideration to what the hell is going to happen to your child while the two of you go off and do your own thing.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Long distance relationships suck.
Do you have telephone sex with your husband?
What do you want to study? Going back to school is a statement about your desire to explore life further, presumably without your husband. 
Are the two weeks when he is home enjoyable and satisfying?
Oil and gas pay well, so your husband may have difficulty doing something else that pays as well.

By the way there is a guy on TAM (emptyshelldad) whose wife cheated on him. He divorced her and went off to work in the fashion as your husband. He still lives with his ex but also dates other women. He says he will not marry again. He is no longer monogamous but will drop his ex completely if she sees other men.

You may wish to divorce but yoy haven't explained enough yet for outsiders to say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

But how is a divorce any better? You will lose access to your children, you will lose access to his money etc....And emotioanlly it's not really any different.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think I'm repeating others here, but it seems like something about the scenario is not well thought out. Why are you going to graduate school full-time now?

Also, I'm assuming he makes more money through this job than he could in a lot of other jobs, or at least it wouldn't be so easy to find a job where he makes just as much money AND is around all the time so you can go to school full time. I apologize if I'm wrong, but I get the sense that you're not thinking about this in an entirely realistic and mature way.


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## Fix It Felix (Feb 28, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't understand how you are going to be able to go to school fulltime in this situation. Wasn't that discussed before he took the job or is this a recent decision you've made? It sounds like he's made a decision to stay in this type of job without your input, and you've made a decision to study full time without his input, and nobody appears to give any consideration to what the hell is going to happen to your child while the two of you go off and do your own thing.


I agree with this, if you guys don't get on the same page you guys will eventually fall out of love if you don't feel like you are living as a team.


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## momof1 (Feb 17, 2014)

Let me explain the history a bit more. We met in 2009 and he was a fisherman in the summer and going to graduate school to be a teacher. I was working on prerequisites for physician assistant school (which I am finally starting this summer). So since we have been together he has known that my long term goal is to go to grad school to get a stable job in the medical field. He quit teaching after we got married and said he wanted to try the oil field. I agreed under the terms that if the schedule didn't work, he would look for something else. He is now going back on that. Meanwhile I have kept to my plans and I am entering graduate school finally. Our son was a surprise and we can't return him so we are making do the best we can. I did not marry him when he worked in oil. But he married me knowing I was taking classes and working full time towards going to Physician Assistant school. I agree that now we are on two totally different paths and finding a middle ground is almost impossible. I am not giving up graduate school because I have been working towards it for the past 4 years. He doesn't seem to be willing to give up his job either. We would have to take a pay cut for a couple years while I'm in school but I will be making much better money once I'm out. I guess I just wanted somewhere to vent about my predicament. I know my friends are probably tired of hearing me say my husband still isn't supporting me and is being completely selfish. For the first 5 years of our relationship I lived 5000 miles away from my family and friends for him so he could live where he wanted and do what he wanted. Now I feel like it is my turn for the next 3 years to go to school like I've always wanted and I just don't feel like he is supporting me like I supported him.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Was your husband's decision really only for himself? Doesn't he also make more money in the oil field than being a teacher, or am I wrong? Isn't he also making a decision for your family? Are you thinking about your family or are you only thinking "this is the plan, it's my turn," because that's what you're saying. Maybe your husband is being selfish, but it sounds like perhaps both of you are.


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## momof1 (Feb 17, 2014)

Of course it wasn't just for himself. He likes making money and providing for the family. But when he misses so much from being gone all the time, what does money even mean any more? Not everything is about money. He hates his job and the company he works for but the dollar signs keep him.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Are you involved in the family's budgeting and finances at all? Do you have a clear picture of exactly how much money you two need to be earning to cover all your expenses, childcare, your graduate school, etc.? It's very easy to say "not everything is about money" when you don't have a clear picture of how much money you need. Right now you're saying you want him to leave a higher paying job AND you want to go to graduate school full time. I don't know how much money the two of you have, but that sounds unrealistic.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If I survived working 30 hours a week, going to grad school full time, while 90% responsible for raising two kids including a newborn with very little help from their mom (who was also in grad school and working) I think one child and not working should be manageable in grad school.

You'll not be the first or last oil worker wife, for sure, and working on a rig is not quite the same as your usual business travel with a posh hotel and expense account...


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Momof1, in your shoes I would be very angry with my husband. I would feel cheated and I would take his actions very seriously. Behavior is the clearest and most reliable signal you can get from a person, and his is very clearly signaling that he is putting his job over his word and his wife. He's been doing this for two long years, and it sounds like you've only been together for 5...so you are getting close to half your relationship with him gone most of the time.

I personally could not do it. I can understand why you might feel frustrated. If I were doing all the work, I would want to be free from my husband; at least then I would have the opportunity to seek out the kind of partner that I really want.

Also, as a career woman, I totally get wanting to obtain a solid degree and a good career. I think PA is one of the BEST degrees around- you will likely never want for work, and you will make a very comfortable salary that will support you and your family. 

So, with all that, I strongly recommend that you do whatever you need to do, to make grad school happen. Your husband might one day wake up, but right now, he is not interested in a win-win. He is interested in making sure HE wins. Your currently lifestyle is unsustainable for you. He is not interested in helping to make it sustainable, so you are going to have to do it on your own.

So, what do you need to have happen so that you can get your degree, without the support of your husband? You will probably have to modify your plans, but where there is a will, there is a way. Can you move back home with family to help with child care? Can you get student loans (which, if you are in the US, can be forgiven to a large extent by working in non-profits)? Are you open to pool nursing to pick up extra $? Or working somewhere just enough to get tuition reimbursement? 

Don't let your husband be the deciding factor in your career and your future. He is already willing to be away from you and your son for long periods of time, and he is already showing you that he does not put your wants and well-being as a priority. There is nothing you can do to make him change, but oftentimes people DO change when they see what is at risk. So I wouldn't take this time to put up an ultimatum. I would simply let him know that you are going to look out for your well-being since he won't.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I don't follow the problem with the 50/50 three week time on time off work schedule. Including travel that still gives him 2 weeks and 5 days he is home with no other obligations. 

Second you are aware that people who work in the oil industry generally make enough in their lifetimes to retire rather wealthy by their early to mid 50's and never have to work again!  

WOuld you rather he work locally at a lower paying job and neither of you retire until you are too old and bitter to able to enjoy anything or put up with a 3 on 3 off work schedule and retire happy and financially well off long before you are too old to appreciate it?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

married tech said:


> I don't follow the problem with the 50/50 three week time on time off work schedule. Including travel that still gives him 2 weeks and 5 days he is home with no other obligations.


Not speaking for the OP, but I can see why she doesn't like this. I would hate it. I love that my DH is home every night; I love that my DH and son spend time together every day, and my DH and son love it as well. It's a priority for us (either one of us could take a traveling position in our jobs and make more $, neither of us want to live on the road or be the only one at home.)

I think it is especially lousy that her husband knows she doesn't want to keep on living this way, but he isn't interested in seeking out any other options--- even on his "off" time. 



> Second you are aware that people who work in the oil industry generally make enough in their lifetimes to retire rather wealthy by their early to mid 50's and never have to work again!


That's great, and there are plenty of wives who would be happy to SAH and hold down the fort while the husband was out making $. The OP doesn't happen to be one of them- it's not working for her, per her post. She wants a career. She has been clear about with him since they met.



> Would you rather he work locally at a lower paying job and neither of you retire until you are too old and bitter to able to enjoy anything or put up with a 3 on 3 off work schedule and retire happy and financially well off long before you are too old to appreciate it?


Well, that is one possible future. Another potential- and more likely- outcome is that she gets the training and career she wants, which will afford them a comfortable life. They can retire together comfortably. 

OP, as you know money IS important. If you are career-oriented, then YOUR ability to bring in money is important, too. If you continue in your career, you will likely always be able to stand on your own two feet; you will likely always have control over your future, environment, your well-being. 

I am watching one of my dear friends live my worst nightmare right now- her mid 40s DH had a sudden severe heart attack. It's been over a week and he is still in ICU, he is barely responsive. She is looking at being a caretaker wife of a husband who is moderately to severely impaired (as in bedridden, needs-a-feeding tube impaired) for the rest of his days. The docs have told her he will almost certainly never work again and have already had their caseworkers help her complete Social Security disability paperwork. It will be split between her, her child, and his children from his first marriage, so she will not be receiving a lot of money from SSD.

They have life insurance, but not long-term disability. The financial well-being of her family will depend on her.

My friend has been a SAHM for the last few years as she completed her degree and took care of their young child. Thankfully, she just did complete her degree, and she had a decent history of middle-class work before then. It's very, very rough going now and will be until some sort of new baseline is established, but she does have the skills and degree to obtain a middle-class job.

Given I am watching this play out, I am feeling a little more raw about the career issue right now. Money buys security- but salary is only part of the equation. Invest in yourself, as well. Since you are career-minded IMO it would be a mistake not to follow it.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

The OP is completely justified oj her concerns about her husbands job. That kind of separation is not great for a marriage, especially if one person is a quality time person as their primary love language. His Needs, Her Needs also stresses how bad it is for couples to be apart. When you are physically apart you cant meet any of your spouses needs except conversation. In the OPs case, she can't even talk to her husband. So much for the good money he is making if eventually there is no marriage to come home to. He can find another job. He can't find another wife or family. Not everbody can be ok with this type of arrangement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I guess I'm just way too practical. If he can find a job with the same pay and benefits then that's awesome but that probably won't be the case. He will probably have to take a pay cut and benefits don't always kick in right away. 

When people say, "It's only money", I think, "Yeah, until you don't have any". It's a bummer to have to decide to buy gas to get to work or food to eat when you only have a certain amount to last until payday.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I guess I'm just way too practical. If he can find a job with the same pay and benefits then that's awesome but that probably won't be the case. He will probably have to take a pay cut and benefits don't always kick in right away.


Why does he have to make the same salary? Why can't he make a "good enough" salary for them to survive, with help from his wife? You're looking at 3 years for his wife to get a solidly middle-class career going. Per the BLS the mean annual salary for a PA is in the $90ks Physician Assistants



> When people say, "It's only money", I think, "Yeah, until you don't have any". It's a bummer to have to decide to buy gas to get to work or food to eat when you only have a certain amount to last until payday.


Totally agree. That is why I encourage the OP to go for her career. It will give her and her family the best chance of never having to face those situations.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

john lee said:


> are you involved in the family's budgeting and finances at all? Do you have a clear picture of exactly how much money you two need to be earning to cover all your expenses, childcare, your graduate school, etc.? It's very easy to say "not everything is about money" when you don't have a clear picture of how much money you need. Right now you're saying you want him to leave a higher paying job and you want to go to graduate school full time. I don't know how much money the two of you have, but that sounds unrealistic.


this is the bottom line.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This is not about right and wrong, but understanding where he is coming from. Would he write something like;
"When we got married, I was pursuing a career as a teacher and my wife had a long term career plan. Shortly after we got married, I learned she was pregnant. The child is great, but having a modest salary was not going to be enough to allow my wife to pursue her ambition and bring up a kid without having to stress financially.
I took a job in oil, which is hard work, but allows me to have plenty of time off and brings in enough money to bring up the kid properly and allow my wife to go to graduate school, which is something I know she would hate to give up.
Sometimes though, she does not seem to appreciate the sacrifice I am making. I am from a poorer background and more concerned about money and the oppotunities it can bring."
It might be completely wrong, but would it reflect his view at all?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MissFroggie said:


> ....
> I can't believe this - if she was saying it the other way around she'd be called a gold digger and because she is saying she would rather have him home more on less pay she's being selfish. Women just can't win!


If we seem unsympathetic to her, that is our fault. She is clearly feeling very isolated. However, I have also been in the situation where I have worked myself into the ground for my partner's ambitions and she did not see the connection. If they are to appreciate each other more (and I have the impression of two decent people doing their best), they have to understand each other.


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## nehaaldon21 (Mar 4, 2014)

Don't divorce him just because he is not able to give time to you. Just sort out the problem by sitting together.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MissFroggie said:


> I can't believe this - if she was saying it the other way around she'd be called a gold digger and because she is saying she would rather have him home more on less pay she's being selfish. Women just can't win!


:iagree:

I was feeling a little unsympathetic initially, it seemed like 2 selfish people don't make a right sort of thing, but considering what the expectations were upon entering the marriage, I think the OP isn't unrealistic to expect more support from her husband at this stage. Forget the money, if his family needs him at home, he should try to make it happen.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I can't believe this - if she was saying it the other way around she'd be called a gold digger and because she is saying she would rather have him home more on less pay she's being selfish. Women just can't win!


Reminds me of a gal I knew years ago. When she got married she complained that her new husband was lazy and would not get a better job. He eventually got a better job. Double his first jobs pay and loads of hours available too! 

After that she was not happy because 'he worked too much'.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MissFroggie said:


> Yes, men can't win either lol


and we can all take from this lesson that we're all losers. Phew, pressure off.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

1st, physician assistant schooling would be a 2 yr program at a community college, not "Graduate School" as you claim.
2nd, working in the oil fields is extremely difficult, dangerous and extremely lucrative.

Oil fields would be either Texas or Oklahoma.

You made a kid, so figure out daycare when you are in school and hubby is away making the cash to pay for everything including your school. 

There are a LOT of people out there who are unemployed. Count your blessings that he has a well paying job to afford you going to school and paying childcare when he isn't home. Learn to appreciate the time he IS home.

life throws curve balls, learn to go with the flow. COMPROMISE.

It is not a fiscally sound decision for him to quit a lucrative job period. So, figure out how to make it work, You want to go to school, get childcare. Pretty simple solution.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> *1st, physician assistant schooling would be a 2 yr program at a community college, not "Graduate School" as you claim.*
> 2nd, working in the oil fields is extremely difficult, dangerous and extremely lucrative.
> 
> Oil fields would be either Texas or Oklahoma.
> ...


You must not know what a PA is, it is NOT a job you get from going to a community college, that would be a CNA, Certified Nursing Assistant. A PA is licensed to practice medicine as part of a team of physicians, they conduct physical exams, diagnose and treat illnesses, order and interpret tests, prescribe medications, counsel on preventive health care and may assist in surgery. A CNA takes your vitals, changes bed pans, basically the crappy jobs in a medical setting. More than likely, when you go to the "doctor", you're probably seeing a PA. 

PA salary= 100K+
CNA=minium wage

The OP is going to be the one who will be able to earn a very lucrative salary for many more years than her H. What's the life expectancy of working the oils fields? I'm sure it's less than being able to work as a professional.

OP, I hope you can figure out something that works for your family. I would stick with my plan of going to school. Some call me a pessimist, I prefer to call myself a realist, but I would rather see someone able to provide for themselves in the event their marriage does not work out. Never rely on another person to support you, find the means to support yourself, you never know what the future holds.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> I can't believe this - if she was saying it the other way around she'd be called a gold digger and because she is saying she would rather have him home more on less pay she's being selfish. Women just can't win!


Hang on, I didn't say she was being selfish for wanting him home more, I said that it seemed selfish to be stuck on the idea of "my turn" (her exact words) instead of trying to figure out what will work best for the family. I also said it's possible he's being selfish as well, but he's not here to defend himself. 

People here say "he can just get a different job" like that's so easy, like it's 1998 and not 2014. We have a bunch of people with law degrees from very good schools working in low-paid temp jobs for us right now because they can't find anything. What other reasonably good-paying jobs does oil field work translate to?

I also raised the concern that she wasn't making financial calculations about what will work with childcare, grad school and her husband taking a lower paying job. I don't know whether that's the case or not, but I didn't see any evidence of and because I raised the concern -- just logically, most families would have a hard time simultaneously having one partner take a lower paying job and the other one go back to school.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Also understand that whole industries are based on such on off cycles and marriages have worked out for them. Airline pilots, OTR truck drivers, merchant mariners, oil workers, expats of various types, the military, and so on.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Oil fields would be either Texas or Oklahoma.


And North Dakota, Eastern Montana, Parts of Canada, Alaska.



> People here say "he can just get a different job" like that's so easy, like it's 1998 and not 2014. We have a bunch of people with law degrees from very good schools working in low-paid temp jobs for us right now because they can't find anything. What other reasonably good-paying jobs does oil field work translate to?


Most every oil field worker I know makes $60K+ starting and those who have been in the system for a few years can easily see double that.

If A couple cant live on $60K or more a year in the US they really need to re evaluate their spending habits and if they think that someone in the oil industry can just step out of that and find a job that makes anywhere close to that level of pay in this economy they need a reality check.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

The money is not the bottom line...he can eventually find another job, whether it is hard or easy to find one. I'm not saying he should quit outright, and it may take time to find another job, but that is way better than them ending up divorced! You should always put your marriage first. Jobs come and go.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

MissFroggie said:


> I get it, but I think the OP would be feeling very differently about the situation if her husband would _consider_ changing job and actually _look_ for other jobs that could allow them time together on a daily basis rather than her being left with all the responsibility of raising their child then thrown into having to change the routine again a few weeks later when he's home. Just the shifting schedules back and forth can be tiring, especially with a young child. The fact is he definitely won't get a decent job or ANY job if he is not prepared to even look. No-one is saying he should quit work and return home immediately to babysit while she goes to Uni and then realise there is no money for food and bills...the problem is that he is not listening to her needs in their marriage and she feels like she has compromised too much and is still not being heard. That's not a marriage I'd want to be in and it would need to change - listening can change immediately even if jobs can't. How can you feel loved, respected and valued when your partner won't even consider your needs?


Exactly. And he is reneging on their previous mutual agreement that he would leave the oil job if it didn't work out in the larger context of their marriage and family. 

I'm baffled by some of the statements on here that the OP should just suck it up. That's not fair _even if_ they hadn't agreed to revisit things before he took the job. 

Even if you would be comfortable with the OPs situation, that does not mean that she is or should be. Not everybody is the same or has the same boundaries. Saying "I'd be ok with it," is completely irrelevant to the OPs feelings.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> The money is not the bottom line...he can eventually find another job, whether it is hard or easy to find one. I'm not saying he should quit outright, and it may take time to find another job, but that is way better than them ending up divorced! You should always put your marriage first. Jobs come and go.



Money is like sex - not a problem till you don't have any. 

Fast forward a few years when Mrs. PA gets her license and likely dumps Mr. Oilman because of "resentment". What then?


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

john117 said:


> Money is like sex - not a problem till you don't have any.
> 
> Fast forward a few years when Mrs. PA gets her license and likely dumps Mr. Oilman because of "resentment". What then?


You are completely ignoring my point. I'm not saying quit and become destitute. I'm saying take steps to find a respectable job locally so that he can actually be there to raise his child. 

Even worse you seem to be making unfair assumptions and projecting your on views onto the OPs situation. 

I can't predict the future, so what makes you think you can?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I can't predict the future, so what makes you think you can?


Been there done that tends to give one a more informed opinion and outlook towards the potential outcomes of reality. 

I have suspicions that a number of members here have been in situations where they gave up good jobs or other such things for a present or former spouse to make them happy only to find out in short order that it either did not really help or it produced a load of what should have been foreseeable but not so well thought out consequences that ultimately made things worse not better.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

married tech said:


> Been there done that tends to give one a more informed opinion and outlook towards the potential outcomes of reality.
> 
> I have suspicions that a number of members here have been in situations where they gave up good jobs or other such things for a present or former spouse to make them happy only to find out in short order that it either did not really help or it produced a load of what should have been foreseeable but not so well thought out consequences that ultimately made things worse not better.


Oh really? Because even if that is true for some or many people, that doesn't make it true for the OP. I loath these irrational kinds of sweeping generalizations and presumptions. 

Just because someone had a cr*appy wife who didn't respect them because they got a different job, does not mean that everyone in the world is like that or that there are always negative consequences. 

Who is to say that he can't get a "good job," that is closer to home. Sounds like a win win. 

If anything, based on what the OP has actually said, the fact that he is there so little, and doesn't seem to respect her may be more likely to break up their marriage _in the immediate term._


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SolidSnake said:


> You are completely ignoring my point. I'm not saying quit and become destitute. I'm saying take steps to find a respectable job locally so that he can actually be there to raise his child.
> 
> Even worse you seem to be making unfair assumptions and projecting your on views onto the OPs situation.
> 
> I can't predict the future, so what makes you think you can?


There are two possibilities.
1) They have plenty of money on the teacher salary. They can afford to raise the child, send the wife to college and all will be well. He is doing this because he enjoys oil work.
2) If he stops the oil work, she will have to give up college and she may not be ready for that or it would be a bad choice longer term.

We are not ignoring 1, but 2 is a possibility and in terms of communication and understanding each others motives, it does matter.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MissFroggie said:


> If that's the case he needs to tell her that.


Indeed. If he was on here, that is what we would tell him.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

MissFroggie said:


> If that's the case he needs to tell her that.


He does need to tell her that. I also think its narrow minded to come up with only 2 solutions. There are probably many. What about:

3) He goes back to teaching and they have less money (but more time for marriage and family) for a few years, until she graduates school. Then her salary more than makes up for the temporary shortfall.

4.) He goes back to teaching. She gets a part time job while in school.

5.) They cut their expenses. In return for him sacrificing the oil job, she agrees to pay the student debt she incurs herself once she graduates. 

6.) They make a post nup and put it in writing 

See there are many solutions....


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> There are two possibilities.
> 1) They have plenty of money on the teacher salary. They can afford to raise the child, send the wife to college and all will be well. He is doing this because he enjoys oil work.
> 2) If he stops the oil work, she will have to give up college and she may not be ready for that or it would be a bad choice longer term.
> 
> We are not ignoring 1, but 2 is a possibility and in terms of communication and understanding each others motives, it does matter.


These are far from the only two options. I am just throwing out some ideas from the top of my head as potential options.

1.) She can get student loans. In the US, medical-based student loans (RNs, MDs, PhDs, PAs, NPs, etc) can be forgiven by working in non-profits. She will also be getting a degree with a good salary where she can pay down her student loans. There will only be more NP positions opening, it really is an excellent degree.

2.) She can start working somewhere that will pay for part of her schooling. I worked at a university hospital and it helped pay for my post-grad degree. This means working part-time.

3.) She can move home to get a cheap place to live and possibly child-care.

None of these even include her husband. He can move home and look for some job- it might not pay as much as the oil field, but as long as it's livable it will do the job. 

I suspect lot of men here just don't have strong career women for wives. It's possible she isn't cut for an NP but it's more likely that she is. She has been working towards it and has had a clear path. 

She just needs to crunch numbers and look at her options on how to get her through the next three years. Hopefully her husband will be on-board but I have my doubts.

Question: if she gets her degree and her husband continues to ignore her requests, and she leaves- will she be a "Walk away wife"? I just wonder if this is a classic case of the men and women talking past each other.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

We do not know the situation from the OP. There are many possibilities, but I suggest the OP is in a better position to answer than any of us. 

There are many questions, was the agreement influenced by a baby coming along. There are lots of possible compromises.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

RoseAglow said:


> 3.) She can move home to get a cheap place to live and possibly child-care.
> 
> None of these even include her husband. He can move home and look for some job- it might not pay as much as the oil field, but as long as it's livable it will do the job.


I actually don't think she should do this unless she wants to separate or divorce. The point is that they should see each other more and save the marriage. It shouldn't be about her sacrificing her career for his or vice versa. Both of them should put the marriage first and find a workable compromise.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> I actually don't think she should do this unless she wants to separate or divorce. The point is that they should see each other more and save the marriage. It shouldn't be about her sacrificing her career for his or vice versa. Both of them should put the marriage first.


If he is willing to work with her, I agree. 

However, if he continues to ignore her requests and refuses to consider and make actionable other options as she's posted, then I think she should move ahead. In this case, in her shoes I would probably make a move home the first step (but I have a supportive home with lots of family nearby for child care- it might not be the case for her.)

Even if she moved home, based only the little info we have so far, I wouldn't recommend going for separation or divorce. I mean, in her shoes I would certainly let my husband know that I was heading towards divorce. But, I think often times people only really take tho other person seriously when they see big actions. So I'd move towards school and see if the husband had a change of heart/mind. Once he sees that she has options he might decide he wants to be with her and their son more frequently.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

SolidSnake said:


> Who is to say that he can't get a "good job," that is closer to home. Sounds like a win win.



Unless our Oilman has a hidden CPA or MBA lining the bottom of his tool chest, or he's a fourth generation rig worker, believe me, it's not the kind of work you do because you love the clean air, the guys, or the working hours.

One of my former colleagues worked summers on an oil rig to pay for college. The money was phenomenal esp if you worked all summer as he did but it's not like driving a forklift or filling prescriptions at Kroger.

It's generally tough, dangerous work in places most people can't begin to comprehend. Money is good but you won't be getting half that near home. 

The nearest similar line of work is construction and we all know how that goes those days.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

momof1-

I think we're missing a piece of the puzzle. There are many assumptions here as to why your husband is not keeping the agreement of "if it didn't work out he would look for something else."

Did I miss the post where you've discussed this with your husband and he won't budge?

What are his reasons for staying in the oil field job? Is it that he likes being able to provide for the family? That it will be a good contribution to your schooling so that you won't be strapped? Is it because the job market for his skills is limiting?

All I've heard in your post is "I want...I deserve...it's my turn..."

Where's the communication in finding out what would be a good plan for both of you?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

john117 said:


> Unless our Oilman has a hidden CPA or MBA lining the bottom of his tool chest, or he's a fourth generation rig worker, believe me, it's not the kind of work you do because you love the clean air, the guys, or the working hours.
> 
> One of my former colleagues worked summers on an oil rig to pay for college. The money was phenomenal esp if you worked all summer as he did but it's not like driving a forklift or filling prescriptions at Kroger.
> 
> ...


Yes. It's a rough job that pays well. 

*It's a job that keeps him away from home, and his wife doesn't want to be a part-time Single Mom. *

Her quote: For 2 years I have been telling him that it is too hard on me to take care of our lives, finances, house, and child while he is gone. *He refuses to even look for another job where he isn't gone all the time.* I don't know what to do.

The parts in bold are the important parts, if he is interested in having a happy wife and a happy marriage.

It is unrealistic IMO to believe that his oil rig job is the ONLY job that he can do right now, that will support him and his family if his wife is willing to contribute. He is just not willing to work with her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What skill set does he have that could allow him to work a more reasonable schedule? 

Physician Assistant is quite expensive - if he's covering the costs plus the household expenses will he be able to cover those driving a forklift?

Do this until graduation and reassess but it feels like she may bail out once the diploma is in...


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

cons said:


> momof1-
> 
> I think we're missing a piece of the puzzle. There are many assumptions here as to why your husband is not keeping the agreement of "if it didn't work out he would look for something else."
> 
> Did I miss the post where you've discussed this with your husband and he won't budge?


I see her indicating that she tried to discuss it here:



momof1 said:


> My husband works in another state more than 50% of the year. *When he took the job 2 years ago I told him I would not like the schedule and wouldn't do well with it and he agreed that if it didn't work out he would look for something else. For 2 years I have been telling him that it is too hard on me to take care of our lives, finances, house, and child while he is gone. He refuses to even look for another job where he isn't gone all the time.* I don't know what to do.


Here: 



momof1 said:


> Another thing I forgot to mention is I am starting graduate school soon and I will need help taking care of our child while going to school full time. *He says I am being selfish asking him to change. I think if something isn't working we should try to find something that works for both of us and he isn't willing to budge at all.* I am getting to the point where I don't even want to be married anymore if it means still being alone and being a single mom most of the time.


and here:



momof1;7437786 He quit teaching after we got married and said he wanted to try the oil field. [B said:


> I agreed under the terms that if the schedule didn't work, he would look for something else. He is now going back on that[/B]... I am not giving up graduate school because I have been working towards it for the past 4 years. *He doesn't seem to be willing to give up his job either*. We would have to take a pay cut for a couple years while I'm in school but I will be making much better money once I'm out. *For the first 5 years of our relationship I lived 5000 miles away from my family and friends for him so he could live where he wanted and do what he wanted. Now I feel like it is my turn for the next 3 years to go to school like I've always wanted and I just don't feel like he is supporting me like I supported him.*





> What are his reasons for staying in the oil field job? Is it that he likes being able to provide for the family? That it will be a good contribution to your schooling so that you won't be strapped? Is it because the job market for his skills is limiting?
> 
> All I've heard in your post is "I want...I deserve...it's my turn..."


Really? I have heard that since they got together, she has worked with him. She moved thousands of miles away so he could live where he wanted and do what he wanted. I hear a woman who agreed to give part-time Single Parenting a shot, so that her guy could try out a job. He said he would do different if she didn't like it. He is not keeping his word.



> Where's the communication in finding out what would be a good plan for both of you?


I don't know how you missed it- it is all over her posts that she is talking and he is not willing to find a plan that is good for both of them! He is only interested in keeping his job because something about it makes him happy.

I really am just gobsmacked at a lot of these responses. 

I see a woman who for the entire 5 years of their relationship has gone along with what her guy wants. She is clearly communicating to him that she is really not happy with the current set-up. She is WILLING to take a pay-cut to get to a better place. That is a funny thing about people with career aspirations and degrees- they have to be willing to delay gratification to get them. I bet the OP will be fine with a smaller paycheck, knowing that after 1000 days she will be pulling in a good sized paycheck ever after to make up for the short duration of being poor. It's the story of many people who have to work for a living and work towards their degree.

I see a lot of posts who seem to say, Eh, she is lucky he is working, it is reasonable of him, where else will he make that kind of money? As if her feelings don't count at all. As if her plans and dreams don't count.

To me, they count. I would not be with a man who didn't want me to reach my goals, who didn't care about my feelings, who wasn't willing to work with me. I don't blame the OP for being frustrated at all.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

john117 said:


> What skill set does he have that could allow him to work a more reasonable schedule?


He was a teacher- this suggests he has a degree. 

There are millions of people who work middle class jobs who are not oil men. The chances of him getting a job- any job- are better with a degree.



> Physician Assistant is quite expensive - if he's covering the costs plus the household expenses will he be able to cover those driving a forklift?


You don't know that he is covering the costs. She might take out loans. She might be on scholarship. She might be working just enough to get student reimbursement. There are many options.

She has a rough road, don't get me wrong. It's a difficult program, and she is a mom of a young child. But, it is not impossible.

And, if her husband were around to help support her, she can definitely do it. 



> Do this until graduation and reassess but it feels like she may bail out once the diploma is in...


Right now she has reason enough too bail- but one tremendous to stay, which is her child. 

If he willing to discuss options with her and brainstorm- in short, indicate that he puts some value on her goals and desires- then surely they can build up their marriage.

And if not- at least she'll be making a good salary. He won't owe any short-term spousal support. Possibly she will end up paying him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

momof1 said:


> Of course it wasn't just for himself. He likes making money and providing for the family. But when he misses so much from being gone all the time, what does money even mean any more? Not everything is about money. He hates his job and the company he works for but the dollar signs keep him.


It sounds like this on paper. But to every story there are 2 sides. You have categorized him as totally selfish. I would categorize him as possibly placing a higher value on financial security than you. What the extra money means to you may not be the same as it means to HIM. Someone needs to bridge the gap with possibilities in the middle. If it is not going to be him, maybe it should be you.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

RoseaGlow-

Thanks for pointing to the posts to clear up some of my questions.

But I still see that all of the OP's posts are just vents at how evil and ungiving her husband is...

...I'm not convinced that the lack of communication surrounding these decisions fall only on her husband...

Her posts really don't give us a sense of what HER plan is with regard to her family...just venting about going along with his...as if she is an innocent bystander in the decisions that were made in their marriage.

If she's just here to get a consensus from the masses that she is right...THAT is not going to take care of the relationship between her and her husband.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> It sounds like this on paper. But to every story there are 2 sides. You have categorized him as totally selfish. I would categorize him as possibly placing a higher value on financial security than you. What the extra money means to you may not be the same as it means to HIM. Someone needs to bridge the gap with possibilities in the middle. If it is not going to be him, maybe it should be you.


Well, I think ignoring your wife's pleas to find another line of work to be home more is pretty selfish. I do, though, agree with you that he likely has a high value on the financial security.

I hope they can find a way to discuss it all and get all the cards out on the table.




cons said:


> RoseaGlow-
> 
> Thanks for pointing to the posts to clear up some of my questions.
> 
> ...


Con, you are much more gracious than I was, so thank you for that. 

I agree that her posts don't give us much detail on how the discussions went. And, I agree that she made the decisions to go along as well. 

If things are described accurately in her posts, I would be pulling my hair out, too. I think she is stuck on what the next step would be, since her husband apparently isn't working with her on finding a different job. Hopefully she comes back and gives us some more information.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If he's a teacher that changes things obviously - but also is not the silver bullet answer to OP's problems either.

Do the math, teacher @ 40-45 k a year vs oil rig worker at least twice that. Add in cost for teaching like keeping certifications or licenses valid. Then see where it points to. 

Also, is the guy helping out during his time home? 

What are his long term plans? If he's working on a rig chances are he may not like teaching as much but wants to provide for his family. 

Not a clear cut picture.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

I understand the upset from the OP. I feel like the communication is just not there between OP and husband, at the moment. 

I wonder, if compromises can be made on both sides so everyone wins? I might be idealistic in this thinking, but bear with me. 

If the husband is able to meet OPs emotional needs (at least partly) while on-sight and away from home, and he is pulling his weight (or more) when he is home; shouldn't the OP be able to compromise and accept the situation until she finishes her degree? This is under the presumption that the husband is working oil to provide for the family because money is tight. 

What are the conversations like, OP? Are you nagging him? Stressing him out? Does he feel like he's stuck between a rock and a hard place? 

When does the husband come home next? Can the OP and the husband sit down, and discuss the situation with open minds and hearts? See if there is a compromise they can both live with?

Just my $.02


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

john117 said:


> If he's a teacher that changes things obviously - but also is not the silver bullet answer to OP's problems either.
> 
> Do the math, teacher @ 40-45 k a year vs oil rig worker at least twice that. Add in cost for teaching like keeping certifications or licenses valid. Then see where it points to.
> 
> ...


Well it depends what state you live in and what type of teacher. Where I live, secondary math and science teachers start at 60-70k.

I would ask about the OP and Husband's communication too.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I think he should get a job as a teacher and live at home with his wife and child and be a very involved hands on dad and supportive H.

My 25yod is a PA married to a middle school history teacher (public charter school). He makes @40K but there is upward potential, and* excellent * benefits such as cadillac retirement plan and health insurance and *summers off*! Daughter makes @$75K as a PA. Family practice, 4-weekday 10 hour shifts. They don't have kids and love to travel. DD picks up extra work for military physicals where they fly her to various locations and put her up for the weekend and hubby tags along. She gets paid $500 for the day and her expenses.

My DIL is a PA. Makes $100K but ER night shifts. My son is combination contractor/landlord/SAHD.

If he won't come home and engage with being husband and parent, then you are better off ending it now as you won't have the high salary where you'll have to pay maintenance. Just saying..

I agree with the suggestion to move back home so you can have some family assistance with daycare while you finish PA school.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

WOW the personal views on this thread certainly took sides! 

Happy wife or financially secure life. 

The battle continues.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

IME my H was the biggest pr!ck when he made the most money. Never home, abusive and neglectful when he was, fast lane lifestyle, drinking, strip clubs, unfaithful...

Money went to his head.

Casting Crowns - American Dream (with lyrics) - YouTube


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

married tech said:


> WOW the personal views on this thread certainly took sides!
> 
> Happy wife or financially secure life.
> 
> The battle continues.


Why not both? I don't see it as a black and white issue. They need to make it a win win for both of them.

Financial security isn't completely about how much you make. It's about your lifestyle, how much you save, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

"Financial Security" is worthless without relationship security

Better a small serving of vegetables with love
than a fattened calf with hatred. Prov 15:17


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Financial security isn't completely about how much you make. It's about your lifestyle, how much you save, etc.



HUH? :scratchhead:

Financial security and how you live and how you will live when and if you can afford to retire is based exactly on what you make and how you choose to live now. 

Just ask anyone who is well past their retirement age and still working full time jobs because the have to due to their poor past planning on how hard and or smart they should have worked plus what life style they lived when they were younger.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think both "sides" of this argument are making fair points. Lack of financial security and distance are BOTH things that put strains on a marriage. 

I kind of wonder what her husband would say if he was here -- she says she talks about this with him, but I don't hear any of his side of it, so I can't really tell what his reasons are for doing what he's doing. All I hear is what she's telling him, not what he's saying. 

But all the stuff about "turns" and her making all the sacrifices for him sounds a little one-sided, and honestly I find that talk childish. Is he not also making a sacrifice? Are we to assume he works in the oilfield for fun? Maybe I'm just having flashbacks to when I did my graduate degree and we moved for it -- it was in a lucrative field and I had a full scholarship, and it enabled me to get a job that pays well. Not what I "wanted" to do or thought would be fun, but what would support our family. The second I got finished, she said that it was now "her turn" and that she wanted to do a graduate degree. No discussion of whether it made sense for us as a couple (who wanted to have a baby soon, btw), just "my turn." To me that's not the way adult life works.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

married tech said:


> HUH? :scratchhead:
> 
> Financial security and how you live and how you will live when and if you can afford to retire is based exactly on what you make and how you choose to live now.
> 
> Just ask anyone who is well past their retirement age and still working full time jobs because the have to due to their poor past planning on how hard and or smart they should have worked plus what life style they lived when they were younger.


It's based on what you earn, and on your choices. 

A person making 50k and saving 20% of their income, versus a person making 70k, and only saving 5% of their income....who is better off? 

Or 2 people make 50k, one saves and lives frugally, the other does not, even though they earn the same amount. Its not entirely about how much they earn, it about the choices they make. 

I don't think we are actually in disagreement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Is there any reason why you cannot attend school while your husband continues his job? Regardless of whether he works at rigs or at home your child will be in day care and with him on rigs he does have big blocks of time to take over majority of child care duties so you probably would have more study/assignment time available.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blonde said:


> "Financial Security" is worthless without relationship security
> 
> Better a small serving of vegetables with love
> than a fattened calf with hatred. Prov 15:17


There does seem to be something of a sex divide here, with my impression being that the women thinking the husband is completely in the wrong. 

The scenario I painted, where the husband took the job to support his wife's ambitions and child may be the way the husband sees it. The OP may well say that she would happily take out loans to see herself through college, happily pay them back when she is earning the extra money and appreciate the husband on the lower salary who stayed and home while the debts piled up. However, that would make her unusual and the husband might doubt it (regardless of how wrong he is).

We must be careful not to lynch him as it is possible that he has very real concerns. *This does not make him the good guy.* He may also be from a background that has taught him financial security is very important. Clearly, communication is the key and if this viewpoint does reflect his, then it might help the OP have the discussion with him.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

My DIL (the ER PA who makes 100K) graduated with $120K in debt (graduate school PA program).

My daughter graduated with $45K in debt (she did a 5year BS/PA program and had some scholarship assistance and FA for the first 4 years). Her H has some school debt too as our state requires masters degree for schoolteachers.

I have another daughter in the 5 year BS/PA program now. Generally, I am not in favor of school debt for a generic 4 year degree. But when the first job out of college pays $75k minimum with very good long term prospects for job and income security, some debt to get that degree is justifiable IMO.

DD and DIL are making progress on the debt. Should be paid off by their early 30's.

But OP, it is a challenging program and you will need assistance with child care.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Mr The Other said:


> There does seem to be something of a sex divide here, with my impression being that the women thinking the husband is completely in the wrong.
> 
> The scenario I painted, where the husband took the job to support his wife's ambitions and child may be the way the husband sees it. The OP may well say that she would happily take out loans to see herself through college, happily pay them back when she is earning the extra money and appreciate the husband on the lower salary who stayed and home while the debts piled up. However, that would make her unusual and the husband might doubt it (regardless of how wrong he is).
> 
> We must be careful not to lynch him as it is possible that he has very real concerns. *This does not make him the good guy.* He may also be from a background that has taught him financial security is very important. Clearly, communication is the key and if this viewpoint does reflect his, then it might help the OP have the discussion with him.


Well, the gender is irrelevant in my mind. I would give the same advice if it were the wife working away from home and her absence and refusal to communicate that was causing the issues.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I have not read every single response to this, but I can see one huge problem here.

Your husband seems to be in a specialty profession: oil drilling.

Now, if he is an electrician, he can find an electrician job. But if he works directly in the drilling etc. where else is he going to 'find work'? 

Only at another oil field...and guess what? They will likely have the same policies and procedures...so you will be no closer to 'having him home' than you did before.

Now, you seemed to have outlined exactly where you had an issue with this. 

Did you outline this BEFORE he went into the job, or after you found out the major negatives?

How is the job market in your area? If 'this is it', your husband is being very pragmatic.

Who is financing your graduate school? That is pricey. I am not shifting blame, but part of having a 'decent lifestyle' which involves nice things like graduate school, trips, etc. means one of the people is going to work like a bastard to get there. Oil workers make LOTS of money. How much lifestyle are you willing to sacrifice to have him home?

Is the problem one of separation or being overwhelmed with problems? Not that you have to pick one. But if it is LOGISTICS, there are solutions like house keepers, some nannies, etc. to take away some of the sting.

I am somewhat in your husbands shoes and unless you have a bad relationship, I can tell you he isn't exactly all that pleased with the separation and to be living in a shack and working 70+ hour weeks in the sweltering heat just to come home to someone NOT appreciating what he is doing.

When you start making money at that level, it is like stepping into a mud flat: easy to step into, but getting your foot out without losing something (your balance, your shoe, your dignity) is much harder.

So I would address it this way: 

1) you appreciate the sacrifices HE is making.

2) the money is very nice.

3) but you want to be WITH HIM

4) and so does his child.

5) then show him HOW you intend on living and managing if he changes his job...and it better not be "I am cutting out all YOUR luxuries to afford grad school" Just saying.

Defining your needs as 'Hey Buster, I want to get on with MY life so you need to drop what you are doing so I can have some free daycare chop chop' isn't exactly a winning argument.

I doubt very much you characterize it that way, but that might be what he is hearing. "Stop doing what you love so I can do what I love" Huh...I'd be a rush to do that too.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Why does he have to make the same salary? Why can't he make a "good enough" salary for them to survive, with help from his wife? You're looking at 3 years for his wife to get a solidly middle-class career going. Per the BLS the mean annual salary for a PA is in the $90ks Physician Assistants
> 
> 
> 
> Totally agree. That is why I encourage the OP to go for her career. It will give her and her family the best chance of never having to face those situations.


So she can go out and work her 80 hour weeks and neglect the family.

There is no magic bullet here. To make the big bucks, one of them is going to be working like a slave and 'neglecting the family'.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

SolidSnake said:


> The money is not the bottom line...he can eventually find another job, whether it is hard or easy to find one. I'm not saying he should quit outright, and it may take time to find another job, but that is way better than them ending up divorced! You should always put your marriage first. Jobs come and go.


And outside of infidelity, money problems are the number TWO main reason for divorce.

Just saying.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

JCD said:


> So she can go out and work her 80 hour weeks and neglect the family.



True that. My wife works 80 hour weeks from home and it feels to me pretty close to what OP is going thru. 

Neglect does not even begin to describe it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

JCD said:


> So she can go out and work her 80 hour weeks and neglect the family.
> 
> There is no magic bullet here. To make the big bucks, one of them is going to be working like a slave and 'neglecting the family'.


She is going to be a PA. She will not need to work 80 hr/week. She will not need to neglect her family.

You don't have to work like a slave to make the big bucks, not if you have the right degree and job. The OP will be a PA, she will do fine. I myself have an MS, I work 40/weeks with very little exception and do just fine financially. It's great that my husband works, but we would be OK if something happened to him and he didn't work.

This whole "someone has to work and not be available for the family" thing is true in many situations- it's why it is imperative in this time to get a degree for the best chances of stability.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

john117 said:


> True that. My wife works 80 hour weeks from home and it feels to me pretty close to what OP is going thru.
> 
> Neglect does not even begin to describe it.


80 hrs/week would feel neglectful to me, too. But hey, at least you get to see her each day.

Now imagine you are the OP, you're responsible for a young child 100% of the time for at least 3 weeks straight quite reliably. You are overwhelmed, and your spouse isn't listening.

I think the OP has a strong argument that she also understands how it feels to be neglected.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

JCD said:


> I have not read every single response to this, but I can see one huge problem here.
> 
> Your husband seems to be in a specialty profession: oil drilling.
> 
> ...


She notes later on that he was a teacher when they met, and she agreed to him taking the oil field job on a trial basis. Then, when she said it wasn't it working, he kept at it and has not looked for anything else.




> So I would address it this way:
> 
> 1) you appreciate the sacrifices HE is making.
> 
> ...


I think these steps would be a great way to have a conversation about the situation.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JCD said:


> So she can go out and work her 80 hour weeks and neglect the family.
> 
> There is no magic bullet here. To make the big bucks, one of them is going to be working like a slave and 'neglecting the family'.


Her H is presently neglecting the family.

One PA daughter makes $35/hr and works 40hr/wk. The other PA DIL makes $55/hr and works 120hr/month (12- 10 hour shifts). 

At DD's job in a family practice owned by very family friendly docs, there are two PA moms who work part time (2- 10 hour shifts), so that would be $700/week for the 20 hours.

My oldest daughter is an MD. She is in residency making @ 50K married to a software engineer. They live on his salary and she puts her ENTIRE salary toward paying her med school debt which was 120K at graduation and she will have it paid off this April two and half years post graduation with MD.

She has mentioned that when she has children, she can make $150/hr moonlighting in hospitals. So she could work 2- 10 hours shifts and make $3000/ wk.

80 hours week not needed to get by... time with kids and QUALITY of life matters


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JCD said:


> So I would address it this way:
> 
> 1) you appreciate the sacrifices HE is making.
> 
> ...


Best advice in the whole thread.

However, I note that the OP hasn't checked in for quite a while -- abandoned the thread?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I feel we only have 1/4 of the story which is "my husband reneged on our deal." I wish she would come back,


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Her H is presently neglecting the family.
> 
> One PA daughter makes $35/hr and works 40hr/wk. The other PA DIL makes $55/hr and works 120hr/month (12- 10 hour shifts).
> 
> ...


Here is one of many issues.

They are making X dollars.

She wants him to now work at 1/2 X dollars AND add a ton of debt.

I am not entirely sure he CAN make 1/2 X dollars. Teaching is a glutted profession right now. Sure, be with the family...on the vagaries of a substitute teacher salary? How is that responsible?

So now they are making 1/2 X and as soon as she finishes, they get the bankruptcy resistant debt of her grad school applied to their budget. IF she finishes grad school (many people don't...but the debt remains) 

What I am hearing is 'time together trumps all'. Um...maybe. Is she willing to live on $20,000 to be with him? After living with him on $80,000?

I was the main earner in our family and pulling in $40k. We had a hard time. I had to travel to work and I pulled in 2.5 x that.

Suddenly the arguments about money went away...while the arguments of staying home suddenly came up. If my salary went back down though, care to bet how long the prior arguments would take to resurface PARTICULARLY if the bills are higher now?

What she feels and what she's conveying to her husband might be two different things, particularly if she's 'here to vent'. Her protestations might be a bit...soft considering the depth of her feelings. Women avoid confrontation a lot.

I am saying there are many valid concerns on the husband's part besides 'he is an ass'.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I just don't understand why he needs to be home for her to start school. He still needs to work so the child needs daycare regardless. Just because husband comes home at 5 every night doesn't mean that the child doesn't need mommy still. I think OP is disgruntled in general and his job is the excuse. You can still go to school even with husband on the rigs. You get a week or two every month where you don't need daycare at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There aren't many daycares that will allow a two week on two week off schedule unfortunately.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Now imagine you are the OP, you're responsible for a young child 100% of the time for at least 3 weeks straight quite reliably. You are overwhelmed, and your spouse isn't listening.


So how are all of those single moms with 1 - 3 kids that are going to school full time pulling it off without and second parent to pitch in? :scratchhead:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

married tech said:


> So how are all of those single moms with 1 - 3 kids that are going to school full time pulling it off without and second parent to pitch in? :scratch head:


Exactly. Or military spouses.



> I just don't understand why he needs to be home for her to start school. He still needs to work so the child needs daycare regardless. Just because husband comes home at 5 every night doesn't mean that the child doesn't need mommy still. I think OP is disgruntled in general and his job is the excuse. You can still go to school even with husband on the rigs. You get a week or two every month where you don't need daycare at all.


I agree. I was thinking the same. 

I must have a weird marriage, haha. When my husband had his own business working from home, making about 1/2 of what he makes now, we were miserable. Now he's gone 2-3 days a week, sometimes gone for up to 2 weeks, and things are so much better, lol. I think it's because the worry of making ends meet has diminished.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Same. I work with many rig/mining moms and all have kids 5 and under. Somehow they thrive in their environment. One of them even works full-time plus taking business classes. Can OP move closer to family for support? My coworkers husbands work anywhere from 11-24 hours away (driving) and fly in and out. Couldn't OP's husband return anywhere for his block of time off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I was responsible for two young kids ages 1 and 5, part time work, and full time grad school. For five years. My wife had her part time work and full time grad school too but was not able to handle the kid workload at all. 

In our case going back to grad school with one kid already was a "seemed like a good idea at the time" decision. Then we decided on a second kid while in college. Fun...

I sympathize with OP but believe me life was never meant to be easy. At least in OPs case she gets a nice paycheck and no loans to worry about at the end. Is this not worth the effort?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I realise the OP has probably abandoned this thread but wanted to respond to the above stuff anyway.

If something works for one family, why must we assume it will work for another? Basically people are saying to the OP: hey, this person over here has no problem with their husband working away, so therefore, neither should you!

Is this a fair way to treat someone when they have stated that it doesn't work for them? Is it fair to tell them, well, too bad, it works for others so you aren't allowed to have a problem with it?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Is this a fair way to treat someone when they have stated that it doesn't work for them? Is it fair to tell them, well, too bad, it works for others so you aren't allowed to have a problem with it?


Fair enough. 

I want to live a high standard of life but I do not want to go to work or put any personal effort into it myself. I expect everyone here to send me at least $10,000 each after reading this because it would work well for me being I never agreed to working for a living!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

married tech said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> I want to live a high standard of life but I do not want to go to work or put any personal effort into it myself. I expect everyone here to send me at least $10,000 each after reading this because it would work well for me being I never agreed to working for a living!


Sure, it's in the mail. Make sure you stand out there and wait for it, wouldn't want anyone stealing it out of the mail box. :smthumbup:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Just send me a tracking number. It saves hassles for both of us plus keeps you honest about when you sent it.:smthumbup:

My point was that not liking to do something does not mean that others have to step up and do it for you unless you have a real bonafide reason like a physical disability or other such condition that makes doing something near impossible for you to handle yourself. 

In my views the OP came off as the type of person who wants someone else to sacrifice for her convenience being there are millions of people who handle far worse lifestyles and living conditions/arrangements in order to survive. 

At times my wife is very much like this and it comes off as being nothing more than selfish laziness in my views. SHe quite regularly complains about how her life is not going at the speed and direction that would be the most convenient for her and that I should do something about it. 

I have. I have pointed out to her on more occasions than I can count that there are at least a billion other women in this world who would kill to have the lifestyle and workload she takes for granted every day.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I wouldn't want my husband to have a fly in/fly out type of job. I don't see this as 'selfish', I don't see it as 'lazy'. I don't care if every other person on the planet thinks this is just a 'fine and dandy' way to live, and that every partner of a person in that job should be thanking their lucky stars that they have so much money to roll around in. Good on them, but screw anyone who won't accept that this isn't the way everyone wants to live.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

ditto breeze

If the wife doesn't like the lifestyle then he needs to stop it because THAT was their agreement. Not to keep the agreement is a form of betrayal IMO.

TBH I'm horrified at the criticism she's gotten that it's "selfish" for her to want to finish her education when she sacrificed while he got his (which he isn't using BTW, he has a* teaching* degree). The criticism is sexist IMO. If it was a MAN wanting to finish his education as agreed, he'd be told to "man up" and take care of himself his career prospects

She SHOULD have her turn to get her degree. And I bet she'll *use *her degree and use it well.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Blonde said:


> ditto breeze
> 
> If the wife doesn't like the lifestyle then he needs to stop it because THAT was their agreement. Not to keep the agreement is a form of betrayal IMO.
> 
> ...


Again, I never said it was selfish for her to want to do her degree, I just think she needs to work out WITH her husband the best way for her to do it instead of just stamping her feet and demanding her husband find a different job so she can do it right now because it's her "turn." FWIW, I don't understand what the big sacrifice she made was other than living away from her family. It's very common today for one person or the other to do this -- I live hundreds of miles from my family and have for our entire marriage, and we've never lived where I would really "like" to live. I don't throw that at my wife and say "well since we live in a place I don't like as much as you, I should get to do X."


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blonde said:


> ditto breeze
> 
> If the wife doesn't like the lifestyle then he needs to stop it because THAT was their agreement. Not to keep the agreement is a form of betrayal IMO.
> 
> ...


I disagree that it is sexist, but it is flavoured by different experiences. Frankly, working on the oil rigs does not strike me as something motivated by selfishness. If it was him setting up as an artist, that would be a selfish career choice. If he wanted to go to college rather than provide for his family, would people on here be supporting him? Not many, I would suggest.

Also, if they were struggling to make ends meet and he was offered a job working in oil, but he would rather stick in his old career rather work in oil, that would be seen as selfish. 

Frankly, I have tried to present how he might see it differently. Could it be that his decision to work in oil is motivated by feeling he has to make teh sacrifice to provide?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

In her skin, wife skin, moving away from her family was a *sacrifice*. And the *agreement* was that her turn would come to finish her education

Her H taking this oil rig job was *conditional*. They *agreed *that if it didn't work well, if she didn't like the lifestyle, he would stop.

Status quo is a betrayal on both counts IMO. 

IME having a family life is much more important and valuable than money. Spent over two decades of M where we averaged <50K but had a family life. H was a prof with summers off and I was SAHM of 8.

Presently H is on the road for his job a lot, we both work and together bring in 6 figures, and the lifestyle is working fine for us in this season. (The disadvantage is that our children qualify for ZERO financial aid and my entire income goes right out to colleges. Our older children went to college for free between the professor benefit and financial aid)

Being poor in America is not such a hardship IME. Used to get HEAP to help with heat, Financial aid for college, free school lunches, CHIP (child health plus), free cell phone (pre Obama so not sure why they call them Obama phones?), tons of money back at income tax time- way more than we paid in even all of the SS portion! Some of the things involve humiliation and red tape- the medicaid for pregnancy was that way.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

You are assuming that he is working in oil for a giggle, that the agreement was for mutual benefit, that it was made when they were aware of the kid.

Together, they might be bringing in one five figure salary, and covering a kid and her college. It might be that she will share financial sacrifice, but many men believe that far more women think they will than actually will. This might well be his motivation.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Her H taking this oil rig job was conditional. They agreed that if it didn't work well, if she didn't like the lifestyle, he would stop.


I'm going to take a bit different view on that agreement being I have worked in the oil fields myself. 

For a guy an agreement of 'it does not workout well' could very well be taken that if the long travel long hours at work and the long times spent away do not work out for him he will quit. 

However if he found his travel, stays and workload to be more than tolerable in relation to the pay he brings home plus time off I can see where he would be very reluctant to want to take a lower paying job elsewhere that would leave him with only time after work and weekends free with a considerable cutback in the financial area. 

Personally I love working schedules where I can put in a load of hours then drop back and have a load of vacation time in return.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

We're all guessing and filling in details here since we don't have his side. But in my experience these kinds of "agreements" are sometimes unrealistic or don't work out. To me "what is best for us now?" trumps "we had a deal." It's possible that he's being selfish, it's possible that he's refusing to even discuss the matter. We don't really know. But I don't think "we had a deal" alone is enough of a reason for him to leave his job, they have to work out what's actually the best thing for the family now.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

We are not guessing about this:



> 'He quit teaching after we got married and said he wanted to try the oil field. *I agreed under the terms that if the schedule didn't work, he would look for something else.*'


nor about the fact that in her wife skin* she made sacrifices* for him to get his degree *with the understanding* that this was going to be reciprocal

Is he a man of his word? or is he not? Status quo= "not". 

Making promises and breaking them is a form of betrayal and it damages a relationship.

Maybe her H will step up, be a man of integrity, and keep his promises after she talks to him though. Hoping for the best...


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

MissFroggie said:


> So what do you do when the husband refuses to work it out with you? When he won't even consider changing anything to accommodate your needs? Won't discuss why change is not possible (assuming it is actually not possible and it's not him stamping his feet and saying it's his life and he'll do what he wants!)?


Miss Froggie - If you were the OP. What would you do? Would to file for divorce? Would you do as you darn-well pleased with no regard to him, since he has no regard for you? 

I hope this doesn't come off as an attack. It isn't meant that way. Just trying to see how others would handle this situation with the information given.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

"I agreed under the terms that..." life doesn't always work like that. The financial needs of the family trump what they "agreed." Besides, does the wife have a right to forbid the husband from doing a certain kind of work unless it's on her terms? What would you say if it was the other way around? What if the husband said "Ok, you can start this PA program, but if I decide I don't like you being in school all the time you have to quit."


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

MysticSoul said:


> Miss Froggie - If you were the OP. What would you do? Would to file for divorce? Would you do as you darn-well pleased with no regard to him, since he has no regard for you?
> 
> I hope this doesn't come off as an attack. It isn't meant that way. Just trying to see how others would handle this situation with the information given.


If it were me, here is what I would do.

1. First thing, I would have a brain-storming session and come up with a few different ways to reach my goal. The goal here is to get the NP degree.

2. The next time the husband was back home, we would talk. From the OP's info given, I think she's tried to speak with him about this already (and in return he's called her selfish and indicated that he should not have to change.) 

Assuming that she has already tried to talk with him, I would borrow from JCD's list and go something like

A. I appreciate your hard work and your willingness to financially support the family.

B. I really do not like the current set-up of you being away for three weeks at a time. I feel like a Single Mom. I want to enjoy being married, having day-to-day relationship with you. I want our son to know you and have a day-to-day relationship with you. How do you feel about this? 

C. As you know, I've been working towards grad school for an NP degree. I have met the prerequisites and I am ready to start. I've been thinking about it and here are some ideas I have to make this happen.

If DH responded well to B- as in, a willingness to discuss options and concerns- then C would end with "Here are some ideas I have to make this happen so that we are both happy with the outcome. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and would appreciate your help and feedback so we can find something that works for both of us."

At this point, I believe we would work something out- maybe even him continuing his oil field work while I move home for child-care support and go to school there. If my DH showed concern and willingness to work with me, that would be my main option. 

The main thing here is- how he treated me, and what kind of respect and consideration did he give to what I wanted? If he showed care, and helped brainstorm some ideas to make school/overall support possible, that is great! I would trust him to continue to show care. 

If DH responded to B as suggested in the OP's posts- which is, "too bad, so sad, it's selfish of you to ask this of me, I am happy with the money, and I like the schedule", and basically demonstrated that my feelings/wishes/hardship didn't matter, then C would end with "Here is what I am going to do to make this happen."

There would be additional conversation- maybe a letter if the conversation wasn't working- that would go something along these lines:

"I feel very hurt and disregarded, as if my feelings and concerns don't matter. This lifestyle is very hard for me, and I feel left alone to battle it out myself. 

"I've been doing this for two years now. I really don't like it. I want a life where I have an intact family. I want a husband who is home each night, so I can spend time with, who I can enjoy, and who I trust to care about me. I want a husband who is an active, day-to-day dad. I want a daily partner. 

"I want that partner to be you- it was my hope and dream when I married you. Right now, that dream is not even a distant reality- I have my doubts that it will ever become a reality since you are not willing to give up your travel job. 

"Quite honestly, I feel myself falling out of love with you. I am so frustrated at this point that I often don't even want to be married to you anymore.

"I have my plan worked out on how I will go to school I am going to finish my degree. At that point I will be able to support my family- I hope you are included in that family.

"If this continues, though- if you continue to live your own independent life, away from your wife and child- the end game here is going to be divorce. I will not live in a marriage like this forever.

"To be clear- I am not saying I am moving to divorce now. I love you- I want to work with you so that we can have a great marriage! I want YOU to be the man I wake up with each day, the man I raise our child with, the man I share my life with. I want YOU to be the keeper of my heart. If you are in it with me, I will work with you so that you are happy, too. I will make improvements. But I need you to work with me to make that happen.

We are very far away from that right now, though. Every time you go away, and refuse to consider other options, we get further and further away. I am giving you the heads up that this road, this current path, will lead to the destruction of our family." 

Either way, I would find a way to go to school. I would ensure that I was not dependent on a man who had already shown me that he was going to do what he wanted, regardless of how I felt about it.

I would hope that the conversation would give him a different perspective. Maybe living in an apartment on his all the time, and not being able to come home to a wife and child on his time off, might give him a different perspective. I would continue, maybe, to make offerings, but I would stick to my guns on going to school and wanting to be in a marriage where the spouse was a partner, and willing to work things out.

I would keep my eyes on the prize, for me. I would make sure I got the degree. If ultimately things didn't change in my relationship, I would divorce.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

John Lee said:


> "I agreed under the terms that..." life doesn't always work like that. The financial needs of the family trump what they "agreed." Besides, does the wife have a right to forbid the husband from doing a certain kind of work unless it's on her terms? What would you say if it was the other way around? What if the husband said "Ok, you can start this PA program, but if I decide I don't like you being in school all the time you have to quit."


Who decides what the "financial needs of the family" are, and who decides whether it trumps what? Is this something that the two spouses decide, or does one spouse ''know better", or does one spouse's preferences count more than the other?

The issue as I see it is that the husband is not willing to work with the wife. 

In the kind of marriage I want, I care about what my spouse wants, and he cares about what I want. We work together to find win-wins.

If my DH had concerns about me going to school, or the hours of my job, or conditions of my work, or anything, I would work with him to find a win-win. 

If he didn't want me being in school all the time, we would think up some solutions. They include, going part time. Or maybe taking two evening classes/week instead of 1 class/day. Maybe taking time off. Maybe ultimately school no longer occurs, if it's agreed upon by both.

There are kinds of jobs that my husband doesn't want me to have: he would not want me to be a stripper, for instance. He does not want me to have a job with a lot of travel- we have negotiated this and continue to do so, because I do need to travel sometimes for my job. If he's not OK with it, I don't do it. And, if he needs support for the times that I am gone, we work together to get it. I have changed my job and turned down more money because of the travel it would have involved. 

The main thing is, my husband knows that I am not going to make unilateral decisions, and I am going to take his cares/desires into consideration on any issue we face. I know the same for him.


This negotiation and win-win focus is what happens in marriages. It might be something of a Unicorn on TAM, although clearly there are many posters who have win-win marriages, but I think it happens much more frequently in real life.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I agree with you that all these things should be negotiated between the two of them. I just didn't get the sense that she was willing to negotiate on them either (I don't know if the guy was, I only know what she posted here). Earlier in the thread, I asked her if she was considering the financial picture, and if she was considering the fact that maybe he was working in this job to support the family and not just for himself, and she responded:



momof1 said:


> Of course it wasn't just for himself. He likes making money and providing for the family. But when he misses so much from being gone all the time, what does money even mean any more? Not everything is about money. He hates his job and the company he works for but the dollar signs keep him.


Yet she never answered any questions about how they were actually going to make things work financially if he left that job, or whether she had even thought that through. She has since abandoned the thread. So I am reading between the lines from this and from the language she uses in other posts (it's her "turn", she loves venting to all her friends about how "selfish" her provider husband is being, etc.) that maybe she isn't considering all sides of this and is just fixated on the "deal" they made a couple years ago.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blonde said:


> We are not guessing about this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Is he likely to find something that would bring in enough income alternatively? Maybe he has looked around and not seen anything suitable.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

John Lee said:


> "I agreed under the terms that..." life doesn't always work like that. The financial needs of the family trump what they "agreed." Besides, does the wife have a right to forbid the husband from doing a certain kind of work unless it's on her terms? What would you say if it was the other way around? What if the husband said "Ok, you can start this PA program, but if I decide I don't like you being in school all the time you have to quit."


My problem with it is that by keeping this job against her wishes, *he is violating his word*

And by failing to step up and be supportive of her getting a degree when the understanding was that he would is *violating his word*

MY H was AGAINST me going back to school. I directly disobeyed and defied him and there are scenarios where I could support that. But I had never made any *promises* to him that I was his eternal domestic slave and he was cheating and behaving like an a$$ and I wanted to have options...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I have experience with H promising me blah blah blah about a high paying job he wanted. I had alarm bells and red flags.

The job was a very long commute in our brutal climate and the promises revolved around family time, such as meals together, children's activities, etc.

Long story short (though he made money out the wazoo), he lived in a hotel ALL week long, was never home, and got into a very bad lifestyle of porn use, strip clubs, and cheating.

The fact that they negotiated this already and the agreement was that if it didn't work, he would find a job that did. The fact that he made* promises* is the sticking point for me.

It's a character issue.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

My husband made a promise to me similar to the OP's husband when he took the job as a police officer. He said if it ever came between us and caused problems in our marriage due to the demands on his time, he would leave and seek other employment.

10 years later, he's regretting making such a promise. This is all he knows now. The pay is good, it supports our household and provides for our family. He is past the point of getting new job training in another field (he could go back to school, but he's not keen on doing it) and to be honest, he's settled in, halfway to retirement. 

I am left with accepting our life and his job and trying to make the best of it, in spite of whatever fallout comes from the demands it makes on our relationship. He's not doing anything else. The truth is, the promise he made while sounding noble and sweet, was just that. The reality is, we're so entrenched it would be foolish for him to quit now. Does this make my husband a deceitful bastard? No. He was naive 10 years ago. He had no idea what was going to happen and now it's what it is.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> My husband made a promise to me similar to the OP's husband when he took the job as a police officer. He said if it ever came between us and caused problems in our marriage due to the demands on his time, he would leave and seek other employment.


I don't know your background- has it caused problems? Have you asked him to leave and find other employment?



> 10 years later, he's regretting making such a promise. This is all he knows now. The pay is good, it supports our household and provides for our family. He is past the point of getting new job training in another field (he could go back to school, but he's not keen on doing it) and to be honest, he's settled in, halfway to retirement.
> 
> I am left with accepting our life and his job and trying to make the best of it, in spite of whatever fallout comes from the demands it makes on our relationship. He's not doing anything else. The truth is, the promise he made while sounding noble and sweet, was just that. The reality is, we're so entrenched it would be foolish for him to quit now. Does this make my husband a deceitful bastard? No. He was naive 10 years ago. He had no idea what was going to happen and now it's what it is.


You say you have no choice but to accept it? Hmm. Do you want him to change it? As in, really- would you be willing to take the changes in your life if he made the change?

I suspect that you are in a different situation than the OP. It sounds more like you are OK with your husband's job? You sound unhappy with some aspects but you seem to agree that it's best that he keep it, yes?

In other words, you two are in agreement?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

RoseAglow said:


> I don't know your background- has it caused problems? Have you asked him to leave and find other employment?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It has caused problems. I would be willing to take the changes in my life if he quit, but I am certain he would not. We've discussed it, and it's a moot point. 

He isn't willing to give up his tenure there, so I am left with that reality. Our lives would change dramatically on a financial level should he up and quit, as he is the breadwinner and makes 3 times what I do, but I'm an old romantic. I have always told him that if we lived in a 1 room apartment, I would be happy if I was with him. While that sounds sweet in theory, the reality is, as a man he would NOT be okay with living that way. He's proud of his achievements and work is as much a part of him as his light brown eyes. 

So are we in agreement? Not really, but I accept his stance. Is it difficult for me? Sure, but it's difficult for him too on some levels as he knows I'm not happy with it. It's hard to ask a man to give something up he loves, and takes pride in. Our marriage will suffer if I harbor negative feelings over it, so it's a choice for me to make every single day.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

My question for third time is why is her starting school contingent on him leaving his job? And maybe that's where I get sympathy for the husband. Maybe if it was presented as in her wishing he could share more with the family day to day maybe he would be more responsive. But if it is presented like she presented here, it sounds like an excuse to get her way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I have experience with H promising me blah blah blah about a high paying job he wanted. I had alarm bells and red flags.
> 
> The job was a very long commute in our brutal climate and the promises revolved around family time, such as meals together, children's activities, etc.
> 
> ...


Clearly, your husband would not reasonably have seen himslef as doing it for his family. It might well be the man here is genuinely sending large amount back home. It might also be (might not be) that enough of it is being spent to make him think getting a high paying job is essential or the bill swould not be paid.

I also have experience of being in a relationship where the situation changed and I made huge sacrifices to make things work whilst the woman I was with had a hissy fit. At the moment, my wife is not getting a job, planning on going to college and believes that was what we agreed. It was not, but that is not important.

We do not know the situation and we are not in a position to condemn either side yet. We must not have proxy arguments through this post.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

There's always 2 sides to this. I'm not an oil worker, but I took a 6 figure job with a significant bonus package. I travel 60% of the time. 

I've heard the same argument from my wife. BUT and there's always a but, there's a lot my wife won't give up. 

She's not a career woman and my salary when she was working was 4x hers. We live in NJ with a significant cost of living. Her family is close by and she's a SAHM. When the twins were born it would have been more to have her work than SAHM. 

My travel is a hardship, but it pays for vacations, and hotels via frequent flyer points. I work from home when I'm not traveling and can go to schools functions and doctors appointments. When she was sick I took zero time off for her operations and chemo. 

I used to defend myself to her. Her complaint would be "no one lives like this!" My answer would be "my whole company does!"

I could sell my house buy a house for cash in some little upstate NY burg and get a job making a 1/3 of what I do and still provide a decent lifestyle for my family. But here's where shes like "oh, I can't leave NJ!" So then I'm like "oh let's sell the house I'll take a job where there's no travel and we'll get a condo" but then the answer is "Well the kids gotta have a house and yard"

But you know what? I'm over it now. She was 100% part of the decision. Like it or not the OP signed off on it when she said try it. We haven't had this argument in awhile. I told her "I gave you the options, this is the only one that allows you to live the way you want." I hate NJ and would move in a heartbeat. 

I love my job. I find I'm a better father and husband when I do. I was chronically depressed at my old job because it was dysfunctional. I make it a point to sit with her and have adult conversations every chance I get. I found out thru my NMMNG group it wasn't really the job she was complaining about. She was missing me and i wasn't giving her the right kind of time. 

I know women have a hard time understanding what a mans job means to him. But it's more important to have drive at your career than a hohum job where you resent your wife because your home 9/5. When men put themselves first and their purpose as the priority, their family is better off. 

If my wife came to me and said "it's me or the job!" I'd tell her "bye". I can get another wife, and she can find another husband. My advice to the OP, instead of looking at what your marriage isn't, celebrate what it is. Or divorce. It really is that easy.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blonde has had experience of men reneging on serious agreements. I have not done that, but I have had women do it to me. I am also used to women claiming they will happily makes sacrifices, until it comes to it and feeling betrayed because a sacrifice came their way too. 

We do not know which version is closer to the truth and we never will.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I have experience with H promising me blah blah blah about a high paying job he wanted. I had alarm bells and red flags.
> 
> The job was a very long commute in our brutal climate and the promises revolved around family time, such as meals together, children's activities, etc.
> 
> ...


Here is something you haven't responded to.

"What if he looked for a suitable job as per her demands and couldn't find one?"

The OP (who has disappeared) hasn't said. She WANTS him to have something else. That doesn't mean the magical 'job fairy' is going to tap him with her magic wand and make everything good on her time table.


**

Just a quick anecdote. I was in A line of work. My wife didn't like it. 

My parents started to badger her (it's in the family) about how a different line of work would 'be better'.

Now, I had zero issues with changing jobs but I had a LONG and INTENSE talk about the sacrifices she would have to make regarding the job. See, I was familiar with the job and she didn't have a clue.

"Oh honey, it's NO PROBLEM." she assured me.

Yeah, right.

It was a HUGE problem and I was stuck twisting myself into knots trying to fix the aspects of the job she didn't like but where INTRINSIC TO THE JOB.

Now we are 'stuck' financially. This is too good money to give up, but a part of her regrets me ever taking this thing.

So unrealistic expectations about reality abound. Don't let the OP off the hook too easily


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Magical thinking abounds. Only when they are the sole breadwinners the reality fairy overrules the job fairy...

Somehow my wife thinks everyone out there makes six figures writing PowerPoint slides for 8 hours a day... Not quite.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

john117 said:


> Magical thinking abounds. Only when they are the sole breadwinners the reality fairy overrules the job fairy...
> 
> Somehow my wife thinks everyone out there makes six figures writing PowerPoint slides for 8 hours a day... Not quite.


Trust me. I made my share of crappy decisions too. I did a job switch which I still regret because of the costs to the family.

So I can sympathize for the wife...but I can also sympathize for the hubby. That extra money gets sucked up and spent lickity split and the family quickly gets used to the new lifestyle so sometimes the husband feels he CAN'T quit!

And rough necking is horrible dangerous work! This isn't a pleasure job. It is wife's opinion that he is being recalcitrant. If we asked him, I'm sure he'd have a few things to say about the whole thing.

But we don't so all we can provide is a bit of context.


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