# What to do now.... please advise.



## sam (Jul 2, 2009)

Here are the specs.

I am 27, married at 20, Have 3 daughters with my wife.

I wasnt really in love when I married her, she was pregnant and I am the guy that tries to do what is right most of the time. We have had the usual relationship i suppose, But I never felt "in love" with her. Looking back, I think I used hobbies as an escape, I would get into something and do it to have something interesting in my life. I LOVE my daughters, there is no doubt about that. But My wife has never really had any respect for me for a loong time. She would write nasty emails or phonecalls when she was upset about something, I usually was civil never being disrespectful or abusive. My life has ALWAYS been for my kids, I stay for my kids, and if it werent for the children I would have probably left a long time ago.

So the years roll by, she spent a large amount of time on the computer doing different things, myspace etc. I was never a priority, she is a good mother to our kids though, i dont know anyone better. 

Last year, My daughter began 1st grade, my wife made some friends there and in particular a divorced dad with a son. They talked and she mentioned him on occasion. I trusted her and never though about it. He gave her a $200 pair of sunglasses off his head because she mentioned she liked them, they also went to luch one time and my wife took my middle daughter with and I still didnt think anything of it. But late last year, I was out with my wife and I vibed something odd, after a little talk she confessed that she had taken a topless pic of herself on her phone and sent it to the guy. She also said that one time she took the kids to his house for a play date and they were sitting in the living area (kids out back) and she said "what do we do now?" and he stood up and said "what I really want to do right now is take you to the room and pound you." So these things upset me, I had a hard time coping with it, but she still wanted to be friends with him.... after much drama, I told her that I was going to go talk to him and tell him to back off and she freaked, and eventually agreed to talk to him and tell him they cant be friends anylonger. 

Soo, life goes on, and we began therapy (couples and individual) a few months ago. Now in therapy, I think I have that situation done with but now I am dealing with how I am not in love with her. we have been going for a while now and my wife has changed a little but I havent....I only see more clearly how I am not in love with her, and how I dont know if I can live like this forever. I admitted to my wife a few weeks ago that I wasnt in love with her and that all these years I have been functioning as a dad and my therapist says I "went numb" to deal with all of it.

I dont even know what I am asking really, Is it better to stay in this deal for the kids? neither of us are happy, me and my wife dont really talk except minimal small stuff like whats the bank ballance or stuff like that.

I have thought about divorce too, and there are pro's and con's I would be able to be myself and maybe find someone I could LOVE, but then I think the worst about how it will affect my kids.

I am tragically LOST....


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Staying for the kids is a stupid idea...especially if there is no love between the parents.

Get out and take care of your kids...

Preacher


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Just remember love is a choice. I really recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Also, ask your wife to read it. Figuring out how to love one another would be a whole lot easier on you, your wife, and your children than a divorce. This divorce route isn't easy and a lot of people get hurt.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You must feel something to get so upset about this other man.

What do you think being in love with her is supposed to feel like?


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## sam (Jul 2, 2009)

I guess I just dont feel like I love her, I am not in love with her. There is no connection there. 

And sex was always a big deal, she never enjoyed it, and would never let me touch her woman areas with my hands or my mouth. Alot of times she would lay in the bed and masturbate next to me, and leave me hanging. So sex was few and far between....and when it did happen she usually instructed me to just get it over with.

I want to remain a good dad to my kids, I love them very much. I dont want to disconnect altogether but I cant see remaining like this. I still want to be a friend to my wife and live nearby, but maybe just find love for myself as selfish as that sounds.


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Sounds to me like it's over. I don't really agree that love is just a choice because that would mean anyone could be in love with anyone else, and we know that's not really true. Although I don't believe in Mr./Ms. Right or only one true soulmate theory, there is such a thing as chemistry and a good match, vs. a not-so-good match. 

Nothing more selfish than any other option about wanting to find love for yourself. Love IS selfish. Selfish isn't necessarily bad.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So if she actually had sex WITH you, would you feel differently?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Ingrid said:


> Sounds to me like it's over. I don't really agree that love is just a choice because that would mean anyone could be in love with anyone else, and we know that's not really true. Although I don't believe in Mr./Ms. Right or only one true soulmate theory, there is such a thing as chemistry and a good match, vs. a not-so-good match.
> 
> Nothing more selfish than any other option about wanting to find love for yourself. Love IS selfish. Selfish isn't necessarily bad.


This is the very reason I recommended he read "The Five Languages Of Love". Most of us just don't get the concept until it is too late. The book explains what makes us feel love. When a spouse "feels" love they are more willing to do things for their spouse who in turn will "feel" love. 

And as far as the comment regarding selfishness...You should see what it has done to my family. Not a pretty sight. I am not a selfish person and I will not be involved with another person who is self-centered and selfish.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I believe that f you and your wife can manage to remain amicable and focused on the kids' needs, the kids will be better off seeing each of you happily divorced. Do you want them to grow up with the idea that marriage is loveless? They will. 

You are both pretty young, and with the kids, you'll be connected for a long time--forever, really. It would be much better to make a decision either to work hard on trying to improve the marriage, or to move on. Living with indecision and the status quo isn't good for anyone. You can try counseling and see if it helps--if not, maybe you and your wife can reach a mutual decision to divorce and, if you both behave like adults, the kids will weather it just fine. If you end up on the path to divorce, be sure to get 2 copies "The Healthy Divorce" (one for you, one for her) which will keep you both focused on the kids throughout the process. Good luck.


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