# Frequency: Is This the Whole Picture?



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Another thread started me thinking about frequency of sex. From what others have posted, year to date frequency ranged from 80 to 0. Our number of times is 8 so far this year. In comparison to some others, that does not look so good, but does the number tell the whole story? 

For instance, there have been two weeks of menstrual cycles, two weeks of illness (one week each) and days of hardly seeing each other because of work. Frequency can also be a matter of perspective. There was a Woddy Allen movie where a couple was in counseling. When asked how often, he said, "Hardly ever, 3 times a week." When his wife was asked the same question, she said, "Constantly, three times a week!"

For us, even though it has only been 8 times, each of those times has been incredible. So, what about quality vs. quantity? We are best friends, never argue, tell each other, "I love you" daily, enjoy being together, etc., so what if we are only averaging about once a week right now?

Just some random thoughts if anyone else wants to chime in.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

There is no magical number that couples should be meeting. You should be having sex as often as you want. If 8 times in 7 weeks is enough for you, then it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about it. I'm happy that you're satisfied.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Well, I did not say that I was totally satisfied. I would love to be having as about every other day or so. My wife is satisfied with less. So what about striking a happy medium? A little less than I would prefer, a little more than she would prefer. Unless I missed posts like that, all I really see on here is one side or the other. (Like I stared, January and February have been a bit unusual.)


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

romantic_guy said:


> So, what about quality vs. quantity?


Well, theory says you can have both, they are not mutually exclusive so people try to have both quality and quantity. Nothing wrong with that. It could (always will?) became a problem when expectations are too high.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

It's not about anybody's number. It's about what works for you and your wife. The most important number is one where the couple are both satisfied. That also seems to be the really hard number to find.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

homebuilder said:


> It's not about anybody's number. It's about what works for you and your wife. The most important number is one where the couple are both satisfied. That also seems to be the really hard number to find.


It can be a hard number to find. By the way, I am not looking for some magic number here. We all know the big issue is both partners being satisfied. Just having some conversation which is hopefully thought provoking.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Lucky dog. 

I want make up sex. Make up all the sex we missed.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My problem is typical. I want more and my wife doesn't.

One thing I get from her is that based on what her friends tell her, they all have sex less than we do (average once a week, depending on how much begging I do)!

Is this common? Do your wives use the excuse that most people have sex less often?


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> It can be a hard number to find. By the way, I am not looking for some magic number here. We all know the big issue is both partners being satisfied. Just having some conversation which is hopefully thought provoking.


Well if I had it my way I would like to have sex 5 or 6 days a week. Now if that happened I might get burned out and that number might drop. Unfortunately my wife has never let me have it near that much. It would be fun to try though.


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> My problem is typical. I want more and my wife doesn't.
> 
> One thing I get from her is that based on what her friends tell her, they all have sex less than we do (average once a week, depending on how much begging I do)!
> 
> Is this common? Do your wives use the excuse that most people have sex less often?


I don't hear that one but it might be the only one I don't hear.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

apparently the magic number is 3 to 4 times a week according to couples who describe themselves as happy. You could be having sex that often and still not be happy so numbers don't tell the whole story. Like someone said, it is finding a happy medium. 
@sadsamIam, funny my husband used the same line on me a while back.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> My problem is typical. I want more and my wife doesn't.
> 
> One thing I get from her is that based on what her friends tell her, they all have sex less than we do (average once a week, depending on how much begging I do)!
> 
> Is this common? Do your wives use the excuse that most people have sex less often?


I have never heard that from my wife. She does live with chronic pain. She is in PT and she told me the other day that she really hopes that will help so she can give me the sex that she really wants to.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> Another thread started me thinking about frequency of sex. From what others have posted, year to date frequency ranged from 80 to 0. Our number of times is 8 so far this year. In comparison to some others, that does not look so good, but does the number tell the whole story?
> 
> For instance, there have been two weeks of menstrual cycles, two weeks of illness (one week each) and days of hardly seeing each other because of work. Frequency can also be a matter of perspective. There was a Woddy Allen movie where a couple was in counseling. When asked how often, he said, "Hardly ever, 3 times a week." When his wife was asked the same question, she said, "Constantly, three times a week!"
> 
> ...


Isn't it all about your satisfaction as a couple? I don't think it matters what others think. If you want more and your partner does not, then there is an issue. If she wants more and you don't, then there's an issue. Otherwise, it's nobodies business.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> My problem is typical. I want more and my wife doesn't.
> 
> One thing I get from her is that based on what her friends tell her, they all have sex less than we do (average once a week, depending on how much begging I do)!
> 
> Is this common? Do your wives use the excuse that most people have sex less often?


Yeah she got that number from somewhere and loves to spit it out. Nothing in that statistic that says that is a satisfying number.

I love to spit back 50% of marriages end in divorce. She scowls and walks away. :rofl:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Romantic, (in my best Shaggy Bombastic tone  )

Frequency is not important. Quality is, but also ultimately not very important compared to the rate of REJECTION you have. If the number of rejections is very high, say 7 rejections for every 10 initiations, there is something wrong with your marriage.

I am LD. My wife is maybe normal drive. I can go weeks without sex, in fact there were times where I went one year without sex and not missing it at all. But I know my wife is not LD, and therefore everytime she asked, I always complied. She's got zero rejection rate from me. So, even though we had sex maybe only 3 times a month, she has never been rejected by me, our rejection rate is zero.

If I am a selfish rejector (like many rejectors are), I am sure my marriage won't last!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Compatibility and quality are the important things to me. The actual number is irrelevant.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

What is everyone's age? That has a lot to do with it. I'm 38 going on 20 (with me thinking about sex all the time) it's almost gross how much I want it lol I have had many firsts with my husband that I didn't with the ex. I would be happy with at least 3 times a week but my husband is 5 yrs older than I and his sex drive is not as high.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> What is everyone's age? That has a lot to do with it. I'm 38 going on 20 (with me thinking about sex all the time) it's almost gross how much I want it lol I have had many firsts with my husband that I didn't with the ex. I would be happy with at least 3 times a week but my husband is 5 yrs older than I and his sex drive is not as high.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am mid 40's, he is in his 50's, we may be older but we are at it like rabbits


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

Holland have you always had it good with him, have you had a lot if phases?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Quality sex is definitely the more important than quantity IMO.

Having said that... I get really horny after about 3 days of no sex and my 'standards' no doubt drop as the days go on


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I am 57 going on 20! My wife is 56. I am horny all of the time. It doesn't help that my wife is so hot!


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Frequency is between the couples. There is no right or wrong. If a couple wants to do it 10 times a day fine. If they want to do it 1 time a year, that is fine.

Age and illness will affect things. Someone getting cancer treatments probably isn't going to be feeling much like swinging from the ceiling nor is someone with the flu or a broken back.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> For us, even though it has only been 8 times, *each of those times has been incredible*. So, what about quality vs. quantity? We are best friends, never argue, tell each other, "I love you" daily, enjoy being together, etc., so what if we are only averaging about once a week right now?
> 
> Just some random thoughts if anyone else wants to chime in.


Honestly, I think incredible sex less often is way better than ok sex frequently.

Quality, where you are both really into it and into each other, matters. A lot. 

And if you push a lower drive person to have sex more often than they really want to do, then you're setting yourself up for a drop in quality.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

romantic_guy said:


> I am 57 going on 20! My wife is 56. I am horny all of the time. *It doesn't help that my wife is so hot!*


You know, I think I am going to start adding at the end of every post, but it doesn't help that I am so rich!!!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Tigger said:


> You know, I think I am going to start adding at the end of every post, but it doesn't help that I am so rich!!!


Unfortunately, I can't add that line to my posts. :rofl:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Lonely&frustrated said:


> What is everyone's age? That has a lot to do with it. I'm 38 going on 20 (with me thinking about sex all the time) it's almost gross how much I want it lol I have had many firsts with my husband that I didn't with the ex. I would be happy with at least 3 times a week but my husband is 5 yrs older than I and his sex drive is not as high.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Southeast Asian men is just like American women. We don't like to reveal our true age  

Enough to say that I am no longer young.. and erection is not automatic like in my younger days. My sex drive is never very high... I am happy with 3-4 times a month.

I could relate with what your husband are experiencing. Once we hit our 40s, there are certain physical things which will start to show age. It's mother nature's decree, we cannot fight fate. But, that's what exercise and food supplements are for! 

That's why, it saddens me to hear about young people in their 20s/30s getting rejected chronically by their spouses. Their best years are gone down in the drains...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Quality sex is definitely the more important than quantity IMO.
> 
> Having said that... I get really horny after about 3 days of no sex and my 'standards' no doubt drop as the days go on


Yes...as in, as much as I would like to take a couple of hours at lovemaking, I will take a quickie! Lately it has been only on the weekends, so when Friday night rolls around, we both want it NOW!


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> Another thread started me thinking about frequency of sex. From what others have posted, year to date frequency ranged from 80 to 0. Our number of times is 8 so far this year. In comparison to some others, that does not look so good, but does the number tell the whole story?
> 
> For instance, there have been two weeks of menstrual cycles, two weeks of illness (one week each) and days of hardly seeing each other because of work. Frequency can also be a matter of perspective. There was a Woddy Allen movie where a couple was in counseling. When asked how often, he said, "Hardly ever, 3 times a week." When his wife was asked the same question, she said, "Constantly, three times a week!"
> 
> ...


Everybody has their own preferred number. I would be quite satisfied with with once ever couple of weeks - totally content. Then I see some guys complaining that twice a week sucks. However I find it hard to believe many people would be happy with 4 times a year. At that rate likelihood of a year dry spell is realistic. There are some extremes where numbers make sense :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Isn't it all about your satisfaction as a couple? I don't think it matters what others think. If you want more and your partner does not, then there is an issue. If she wants more and you don't, then there's an issue. Otherwise, it's nobodies business.


:iagree: I would always like to have more sex with my wife, but the quality outweighs the frequency in my mind. 

If I brought her roses everyday, she would LIKE them. If I surprised her with roses every week on different days (adding variety and spontaneity), she would APPRECIATE and LIKE them in a different way. I think sex is like this too.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

RG,
We definitely compromise on frequency. I would not feel right about pushing hard for my optimal. And frankly, at her optimal she wouldn't see me very much. 

Both of us are inclined towards being kind in this regard. She perhaps even more than I am. So somewhere around 8 times a month. 


QUOTE=romantic_guy;1465583]Well, I did not say that I was totally satisfied. I would love to be having as about every other day or so. My wife is satisfied with less. So what about striking a happy medium? A little less than I would prefer, a little more than she would prefer. Unless I missed posts like that, all I really see on here is one side or the other. (Like I stared, January and February have been a bit unusual.)[/QUOTE]


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If I had to make a trade-off, and really that's what any compromise is in the end, I would take quality over quantity. In fact, that is exactly what I've done.

There's almost nothing that you can do day in and day out over several decades that doesn't lose at least a little of its luster.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

I think there may be some sort of inverse ratio of sexual satisfaction applied to frequency counting behavior. 

As with every other natural law, attempts to measure/quantify something can the results. I think it's called the "observer effect" which says, simply, that *"measurements of certain systems cannot be made without affecting the systems." 
*

I'll bet people who count frequency of sex are less satisfied than those who don't. But, correlation doesn't prove causation, so: 

* Those who are dissatisfied with sexual frequency count more often.
* Those who are satisfied with sexual frequency count less.
* Those who count less are more satisfied with sexual frequency.
* Those who count more have less frequent sex.

All that said, I think that frequency is NOT the entire picture. I also believe that if you are unhappy with the frequency, it may become disproportionately important and overshadow many other aspects of the relationship -- to the point that good (and bad) aspects of a partnership may be missed entirely. 

That's not to say one can't be unhappy with the amount of sex. I certainly have had times where I'm unhappy with my sex tally, and sexual frequency became a huge factor with my ex -- but *the frequency issue totally hid the real problems with the relationship.* It wasn't until I was able to tone down my sex drive (sadly through a side effect of SSRI use -- something I do NOT recommend) that I was able to think clearly enough to see the REAL problems in my relationship and run for the door. I was so focused on sex that I could NOT think clearly. At least that's what I learned from the incident.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

OhhShiney said:


> I think there may be some sort of inverse ratio of sexual satisfaction applied to frequency counting behavior.
> 
> As with every other natural law, attempts to measure/quantify something can the results. I think it's called the "observer effect" which says, simply, that *"measurements of certain systems cannot be made without affecting the systems."
> *
> ...


....umm...that is a lot of stuff right there.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Why can't a person have both? Shouldn't an increase in quality motivate an increase in frequency?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Why can't a person have both? Shouldn't an increase in quality motivate an increase in frequency?


It should....that is logical, but people are not always logical.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Why can't a person have both? Shouldn't an increase in quality motivate an increase in frequency?


In my experience if we have a couple days between sexytimes there is usually more excitement and sexual tension which for me = better quality sex.
Sex every day is fine and fun...for a while (like when on holiday) but the excitement is less (for me) when we're at it every day.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Why can't a person have both? Shouldn't an increase in quality motivate an increase in frequency?


To a first order, perhaps. 

But there are things about increased frequency that reduce quality for me, and I'm not talking about 3 times in one day. Two days in a row for me is not as enjoyable as every other day.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

waiwera said:


> In my experience if we have a couple days between sexytimes there is usually more excitement and sexual tension which for me = better quality sex.
> Sex every day is fine and fun...for a while (like when on holiday) but the excitement is less (for me) when we're at it every day.


I agree exactly with Waiwera. Just like eating your favorite food everyday...it is good, but it will soon get old. Well said W.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

waiwera said:


> In my experience if we have a couple days between sexytimes there is usually more excitement and sexual tension which for me = better quality sex.
> Sex every day is fine and fun...for a while (like when on holiday) but the excitement is less (for me) when we're at it every day.


Agreed and well said. Sometimes, my wife and I make a game out of it and see how long we can go, before going nuts!

Once it starts we can't normally hold off for longer than a day or two. lol Having that sexual tension in the air is a wonderful thing!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't think the numbers mean anything more than average times per week for average level of contentment.

While H and are currently trying to working our way back, our sex life hasn't been affected at all but the state of our marriage. I need sex a lot more frequently than any woman I personally know and if my H had been also ignoring that need, I would have been long gone. One of the reasons, and there are many, why I stayed was the fear of not getting sex as often as I needed it. The fear of being a single woman at 50 and trying to find a sex partner, seemed hopeless. Add to that insecurities about the war wounds of motherhood, other surgeries, scars... That all sent me in a tail spin of hopelessness. But, if I wasn't getting enough sex, on top of everything else, I would have taken the leap and simply found a f-buddy who was vision impaired :smthumbup:


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## Swoosh (Feb 20, 2013)

Hello first post, I have been a lurker for awhile.

My wife and I came up with a system, she is a scheduler. She has to know when she is having sex. So we schedule our sex nights. Three nights a week. Now I love freaky sex, she does not. She likes slow traditional love making. What I call movie sex. I like costumes, toys, talking dirty and all the wild stuff. So two nights are hers, we have sex how she likes it, one night is mine, I can do whatever I want.

It has worked well, she has even admitted to liking some of my wild fantasies.

The key is we talked a lot, been married 16 years, and as she would say I love to make love to her, I would say I love to **** that hot piece of ass


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Well Swoosh, that is a great first post! Sounds like you two have worked out the perfect system for you and you both get your needs met and you both are happy.

Mark another one for 3X = C


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## Longtime married (Nov 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longtime married (Nov 28, 2012)

The wife and I had a discussion about frequency today. Between the two of us I have the high drive, the wife us satisfied with once a week and guess what 99% of the time it's once a week. There's not really any compromise on her part but when I say something about joint the frequency ; I'm obsessed with sex; its all what I want! But she don't understand that by only once a week with very little extra she's the one controlling our sex life. I'nm tired of the "discussions" w/ I'm working on it as the answer. There's never any flirting, hates texting, it's always the same. If there is anything new I'm expected to come up with it. Guess my name on here should br "I very frustrated".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Swoosh said:


> Hello first post, I have been a lurker for awhile.
> 
> My wife and I came up with a system, she is a scheduler. She has to know when she is having sex. So we schedule our sex nights. Three nights a week. Now I love freaky sex, she does not. She likes slow traditional love making. What I call movie sex. I like costumes, toys, talking dirty and all the wild stuff. So two nights are hers, we have sex how she likes it, one night is mine, I can do whatever I want.
> 
> ...


Two to one still sounds loopsided to me. However if "...one night is mine, I can do *whatever I want.*" is not hyperbole, you got a awesome deal. I should try selling that deal to my wife, although she knows me to well, she would never agree to "whatever I want". Can't say I blame her. Crap we went on a cruise and all I got was twice. And she wonders why i am not enthusiastic about romantic get aways. You done good.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

waiwera said:


> In my experience if we have a couple days between sexytimes there is usually more excitement and sexual tension which for me = better quality sex.
> Sex every day is fine and fun...for a while (like when on holiday) but the excitement is less (for me) when we're at it every day.


Yes...that is how I am also. The longer between orgasms, the better it is. It is also way better if we take time and I am held close to cumming for a while.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Longtime married said:


> The wife and I had a discussion about frequency today. Between the two of us I have the high drive, the wife us satisfied with once a week and guess what 99% of the time it's once a week. There's not really any compromise on her part but when I say something about joint the frequency ; I'm obsessed with sex; its all what I want! But she don't understand that by only once a week with very little extra she's the one controlling our sex life. I'nm tired of the "discussions" w/ I'm working on it as the answer. There's never any flirting, hates texting, it's always the same. If there is anything new I'm expected to come up with it. Guess my name on here should br "I very frustrated".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here is a great article that might help in your understanding:

Do You Understand Female Sexual Desire? | Psychology Today


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## mdill (Jan 18, 2012)

I agree with others on this thread, that frequency is only part of the story. For me, the amount of pent up passion is even more important. My DW is LD and I'm HD. However, my DW has rarely turned down my advance. We are both very busy, but both schedule a time almost every day to be together and both look forward to that time so much. This has been driven largely by my drive (and the fact that my DW is hot  )and I love my wife so much for stepping up to my frequency need. But a LD spouse can't do this without the level of passion dropping off, which is I think understandable. As the years have passed (I'm in my late 50's, DW is early 50'), I find it increasingly difficult to maintain our largely once a day pace. So my drive is becoming closer to hers, which I welcome. I find that the passion and quality dramatically improves when we move to an every other day or every 3rd day frequency. I do agree with others who have pointed out that the frequency of rejection also matters greatly. From my perspective, rejection is even more difficult to deal with than the lack of frequency. Rejection cuts at the soul and is what will destroy a relationship/marriage if it happens too frequently.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Isn't it all about your satisfaction as a couple? I don't think it matters what others think. If you want more and your partner does not, then there is an issue. If she wants more and you don't, then there's an issue. Otherwise, it's nobodies business.


Frequency is not that important, though it can be a rough indicator. Life pops up, so heath issues, work travel and the like can result in short term slumps. To me, what is important is the effort that she puts into our sex life. Following through on her own on rain checks, initiating in her way, being more adventurous in bed and the like. When that is happening, the actual frequency does not matter. 

I am a higher drive than her, so I would prefer more, but I also recognize that she is reaching out to me to give more than she would probably prefer in her perfect world.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> Honestly, I think incredible sex less often is way better than ok sex frequently.
> 
> Quality, where you are both really into it and into each other, matters. A lot.
> 
> And if you push a lower drive person to have sex more often than they really want to do, then you're setting yourself up for a drop in quality.


While I completely understand that point of view, it can also be used to justify only having sex when all the stars, planets and moons align.


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