# Is it THAT bad?



## allshookup (Nov 9, 2011)

Hiya, new here, so here goes.

My hub is possibly Aspergers. We're awaiting the test.
I am very emotional. I am dyslexic, with a history of mental health problems. Some to due with dodgy family and childhood. Some of my problems are due to the big difference in the way we are wired, the fact that he really doesn't have an 'emotional' life and zero empathy. Having said that, I've been an emotional roadcrash for some years now. 2 breakdowns, one in xmas 09 and one this July.

I have made massive headway in my own problems, but am now at a point of clarity, which I haven't achieved before.

Having read the threads on 'I love you but no longer in love' and the 5 types of love, I feel a bit al over the place. As due to his behaviour this summer, which triggered another breakdown, it's broken something in me. I am angry at him, I am hurt and it led to the worst day in my life. Period.

Very Abridged Version:
Basically, we had a fight (April) about his emotional distance, and we looked into Aspergers. We agreed fresh start (well, I thought we did!) and so I got onto making myself appealing in every way, from wearing makeup and nice clothes, through to the sexual flirty side. It was like dealing with a brick wall, no interaction, no physical contact.
Fast forward to June 29th. I had been at a trustees meeting, for a charity I was working for. I had clearly told him that I would be home about 6.30-7pm. The meeting was hell. I came home to fine soft porn on the tv and him in the shower. I asked him if he'd been masturbating, he admitted it. I flipped out. Really badly. Screamed at him, threw his clothes at him and kicked him out. I also open hand hit him 2 times around the face. I feel very guilty about my bad behaviour. He says he deserved it.
So I went to my mothers, for support from family, so my mother got really drunk and verbally abusive. (I never learn!).
Next morning I met him and told him I needed space.
That day, I had no contact with my family. No-one called to see if I was ok, or what was happening. It reached a crisis point, where I felt so vulnerable and distressed I asked him to come back. BUt made it clear that it was not 'all forgiven'.

We were due to go on Hols 2 days later, which we did saying it would be good to talk things over and work things through.

The problem is that he seems to go back into a happy little world of everythings ok and back to normal, whilst I am still really hurt. I felt very broken and very unloved, and also incredible alone on that day, which was my birthday. I have withdrawn from him. I think it is a self protection thing.

I don't see how I can continue in the relationship, as I don't feel I can trust him. Also I just don't have the same feelings for him. Like before I would probably be willing to do anything for him, and support him and now I just don't. I also don't feel the romantic feelings for him at all. But I do care for him and don't want to see him hurt.

So, I appreciate it's not like he had an affair, although he knows well that I hate porn. I know he's not the worst man in the world, but I do struggle to cope with his asperger traits. And to be honest I have lost the will to bother anymore. as we have been together for nearly 10 years now, and I feel like I have really come to the end of the road.

But also part of me feels that if we have come this far, surely there must be something worth fighting for and trying to get things right. I am christian, and I did take my vows seriously.

So how does the forgiveness thing go? Does it work, do people successfully overcome these things, can I 'fall in love' with him again? 

Be very interested to hear what people thing on this.

Thanks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, I do not think it is that bad.

Second, no more hitting, no one deserve to be hit EVER. He accepted you hitting in anger, but he should not have. It doesn't matter that you area woman. It's not ok,

Third, realize that aspergers sufferers do feel and have emotions. What they have problems with is detecting the emotions in others through observation of their body language,their voice timbre etc. they also can have trouble expressing their own emotions in ways thst others can relate to. This is perhaps because a lot of emotional expression is learnt through observation as we grow up, and since aspies already have difficulty observing emotion in others they don't pick it up. 

That said, many aspergers sufferers are excellent communicators of emotion through written text and many are terrific and prolific writers.

On him masterbating, I think your over controlling him there, especially of he does have aspergers. It's a very normal thing for men and women and given your respective emotional challenges it must be very hard for the two of you to find times when both of you click and are in the mood and available at the same time.

Now, when you got angry a him, and left to deal your anger, did you tell him to leave you alone? If you did , then him not contacting you was what he had been instructed to do. If he does have aspergers it is very hard for him to see through the layers of emotional wants and conflicting words to figure of what you needed. By leaving you were executing an emotional scenario where you had expectations, but you didnt communicate them openly, instead you set up a game and are disappointed no one played it the way you hoped they would.

That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you, it means he didn't crack the puzzle and respond the way you wanted.

Now about the future... I think the two of you need to put a lot of effort into learning who to communicate with each other much more effectively and more inline with each of your personal styles of love and outreach. No more emotional tests and games from you to him. That is just setting him up for failure. And for him, he needs you to teach him appropriate responses to the needs you have. You, need to be willing to outreach with patience and love to him, casting aside suspicion that he is out to hurt you emotionally. He isn't, but he honestly doesn't get how certain things are huge triggers for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but what are you doing to get help for your issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Before this porn incedent how was your sex life? Was he desperately asking for sex that you weren't willing to satisfy? It is easy to be mad at men for sins like porn, but so often there are months of pleading for more sex before that.



> BUt made it clear that it was not 'all forgiven'.
> 
> The problem is that he seems to go back into a happy little world of everythings ok and back to normal, whilst I am still really hurt. I felt very broken and very unloved, and also incredible alone on that day, which was my birthday. I have withdrawn from him. I think it is a self protection thing.


This is a HUGE mistake. You cannot continue to harbor this stuff and not forgive and expect anything but what you have in front of you.

Christian forgiveness is the same forgiveness christ gave you. Undeserved, forgetting the past, complete forgiveness. That should be your goal. It's not something you can do without the help of God. Pray on it hard. Find the bible passages on forgiveness. 

mathew 18:23-35

You can make this work 100%, BUT you need to give yourself completely to this. You cannot "protect yourself" and harbor this forgiveness and expect anything but garbage. 

Blessings


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## allshookup (Nov 9, 2011)

Hi Shaggy, thanks very much for your reply. And Thanks for your challenging me, too, it's kind of what I was after - some different perspectives.

I hope it's ok to just add in some more info to your comments - I don't mean it in a defensive way. I know that I have done wrong too, I am just trying to flesh it out, as I can't give all the gory details in one post!



Shaggy said:


> First, I do not think it is that bad.
> 
> _Glad to hear it, I am surrounded my melodramatists, so getting a clear picture is really hard!_
> 
> ...


I hope this makes it more clear, about the situation, and if I seem overly defensive, please say so, as I don't mean to, and it's good for me to hear! Really I do want people to challenge me, as it's going to really help me, and if you do take the time, like shaggy, I really appreciate it. I just need different perspectives, as I am too stuck in my own and don't know how to get out of that cycle!

Thanks again Shaggy, for taking the time to reply. I need to look at how I might unintentionally play games with him, and also, to work harder at reading his emotions from external traits. I can honestly say re the hitting, I am so ashamed, and I agree there is no justification for that behaviour ever, no matter how angry a person is, and I don't think that it's different rules for women as if their like me, they could really do some damage, as I am not exactly the dainty little thing, who faints!

So glad I found this site, there's some really interesting stuff, like the 5 types of love, for example.

We are just in the process of booking couples therapy too, at the moment.


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## allshookup (Nov 9, 2011)

PBear said:


> No offense, but what are you doing to get help for your issues?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi PBear, for my personal issues, I have done a lot of psychotherapy, I attend self help groups, I have a counsellor, who does push me and challenge me, I have a private Psychiatrist who is helping sory out my medication, and I have a great family doctor too.
In addition, I am now trying to get back in touch with friends, make new ones, and get a life, as such, so have been doing Flyball with my one of our dogs and will be shortly joining a competitive team. I have also recently become involved in a creative community, which is looking positive and a good way to get out and about, and fulfill my need for social contact, as hubby doesn't have that, and is much more self contained, so the advice for partners of aspies, is to get out and about and have a social life separately.

I am also trying to encourage my hubby to work on getting his life in check as he have admittedly fallen into a rut.

I am also trying to lose weight (not going well at all) but keep trying, for my health and also to be more appealing physically.

I now try to keep away from my family, but on friendly terms, as such. Because they aren't a great help and tend to be embroiled in their own dramas, so it makes sense to be a little apart from them.

I've also done a lot to take much more responsibilty for myself, and work on being more self reliant and not a victim.

I aim to get my own house in order, as if I am not happy in myself, I'll never be happy in the marriage, regardless of what we do.

Thanks.


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## allshookup (Nov 9, 2011)

anx said:


> Before this porn incedent how was your sex life? Was he desperately asking for sex that you weren't willing to satisfy? It is easy to be mad at men for sins like porn, but so often there are months of pleading for more sex before that.
> *No, I have always been the one with the high sex drive, and I have always been the 'initiator' for the most part. I accept that with the mental health, I have been hard to get close to, so that's probably a factor. In fact he just withdrew from me, ironically when I was getting much better and much happier. Then I went through a phase of trying to initiate sex and being pushed away, prior to our first falling out in April.*
> 
> This is a HUGE mistake. You cannot continue to harbor this stuff and not forgive and expect anything but what you have in front of you.
> ...


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Some words of encouragement since my first post was hash. 

Giving and acting like a christian in a marriage where you are hurt, lied to, rejected, and resentful isn't easy. Giving up those feelings isn't easy. 

Being a good spouse is natural when you are happy and getting all you needs met. It's hard when you are building a relationship up from a rut or set of issues like you are facing. 

Work diligently at forgiveness, patience, and rebuilding love. 

My story is in my profile and I've been working hard for almost two years and separated twice. My wife is christian as well so I really have no other biblical options that give 100% to this nor would I want to give up since I love my wife. 

Your story has a lot of issues, but can be fixed and a loving marriage formed. That will take a lot of diligent, difficult work to give yourself up to a man who isn't a great husband right now and had hurt you. It only works if you both do that at the same time. 

Blessings


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## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Guys like porn. It doesn't make them bad people. I used to get so upset at my husband, until a friend told me, "Look, he's a guy... and guys like porn. So what?" Even though it sounds so simple, it changed my perspective completely, and we have never fought about it again. I have even paid for sites for him, and we have even watched them together sometimes.

And masterbating, well, seriously? You cannot get mad at a guy for masterbating. Women do it too.

My only concern would be the fact that he hasn't had sex with you. I would question that and ask why. I'm more concerned with his emotional distance. My husband is also extremely emotionally distant and unsupportive, and that is where our issues lie.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Men need to ejaculate 6 times per week to avoid medical issues like prostate cancer... watch Dr. Oz show.

So if YOU aren't servicing his need for ejaculation at that frequency let the poor guy whack off.

The only way you can help is have more and better sex with him.

The stopping porn has to come from him. You control how you act.

Stop hitting he could have got you arrested.

It is odd though he doesn't want sex...you both need to deal with that issue first and foremost
He could very well be a porn addict. OR having some sort of an affair. EA/PA...be careful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

madteach said:


> Guys like porn. It doesn't make them bad people. I used to get so upset at my husband, until a friend told me, "Look, he's a guy... and guys like porn. So what?" Even though it sounds so simple, it changed my perspective completely, and we have never fought about it again. I have even paid for sites for him, and we have even watched them together sometimes.
> 
> And masterbating, well, seriously? You cannot get mad at a guy for masterbating. Women do it too.
> 
> My only concern would be the fact that he hasn't had sex with you. I would question that and ask why. I'm more concerned with his emotional distance. My husband is also extremely emotionally distant and unsupportive, and that is where our issues lie.


1. Not all guys like porn and 2. I'm glad you were able to talk yourself out of something that bothered you.

Masturbation and porn are issues only when they come before a mate and the intimacy with that mate.

Aspergers is such a hard thing to deal with. For one, the people seem normal, but then on the other hand, they lack social graces that we assume are just "normal".

My friend's husband has it and he's soooo socially awkward and obnoxious and talks about inappropriate things . I put up with him because I love her and I know his situation.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"I don't see how I can continue in the relationship, as I don't feel I can trust him. Also I just don't have the same feelings for him. Like before I would probably be willing to do anything for him, and support him and now I just don't."

I would go with how you feel on this then. Do yourselves both a favor, and cut your ties. It sounds like a volatile situation. I'm not saying it can't be worked out, but if you already feel this way it will be much harder to bring your feelings back to the table. If you are willing to do the hard work then by all means. If you feel you're not, then cut your ties.

It would be be very helpful for you to both seek IC though. Whether you're together or not. It can be helpful for any future situations you might be in with or with out him, everyone needs to work on themselves.


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## allshookup (Nov 9, 2011)

Well, thanks all for the comments. It's been really useful to see a more objective perspective.

In terms of the masturbation - I don't have a problem with it, it's when it's replacing a sex life for both partners. That's what the problem was for us. I have a high sex drive and so it was a problem for me. Hubby has always had a low sex drive, once past the 'novelty' of dating. Left to his own accord he would only masturbate once a fortnight anyway, without sex in between. So once he's spent, he's spent and there's no extras. 

We have begun writing letters to each other in a bid to communicate in a better way for him. I am flexible so I can work with it. We've also just started couples counselling. The woman seems decent, and I hope it will help things.

I have been able to look at things more positively too. I don't want to control him, in any way, I just want what I always wanted- to be equals and to both be working towards being fair and considerate partners. I hope we're now on that path a little.

Cheers guys and gals.
b


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

It seems things quickly took a turn. Hope all works out.


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