# About to loose my mind! Trapped and can't get out



## maxter

Hello everyone,
This is my first post. I'm so happy I found this website. It gives me comfort knowing I'm not alone in this world with the pain and anguish I'm feeling about the failure of my marriage.

My W and I have been married 11 years. I'm 45, she's 41. We have two beautiful twin daughters, age 9. We both got married later in life which should be a good thing, right? We should know what we want and have established ourselves, more mature and all that jazz.

We've had trouble since the beginning. Personality conflicts being the main issue. Lots of arguments. We are polar opposites when it comes to personalities. And neither one of us had the skills to argue effectively to find any solutions.

We did MC about a year before having the girls and things seemed to improve for awhile. Then the girls were born 7 wks premature and our lives were turned upside down. Don't get me wrong, they were very healthy but did spend 23 days in NICU and then when they finally came home we both had our work cut out for us. With two babies and two parents, neither one of us ever got a break. It was very stressful and tiring but we managed through it.

Then I went off track when the girls were about 3yrs old. I wasn't happy with my life, wife stayed home with the kids- not working, I was the sole wage earner, financial difficulties, and lots of daily stress caring for two toddlers at one time. I started drinking to relieve the tension and I became addicted to booze. Drank every day & night for three years. This was the catalyst for our eventual downfall.

Well as you can imagine, the W didn't take all the drinking and neglect very well. She even complained about it many times but I was in the addiction phase and didn't care. I just needed my daily fix of booze. She finally tired off all this and withdrew from the marriage much like I had withdrew into myself with the booze.

About three years ago during this vulnerable time, she was contacted by an old boyfriend who was having marital problems of his own (his wife was a drunk) and wanted to renew the friendship. Timing is everything! She latched onto that very quickly. You can see where this is going I'm sure. They had everything in common regarding their marriage crisis. He fullfilled a much needed void in her life emotionally. Within two weeks they were having an EA via email which I stumbled upon one night after work. That was April 15, 2008.

I stopped drinking that very day and have been sober since. That email I found was my wake up call (too late of course) and I decided if I wanted to save my marriage, I must get help right away. I've done IC, MC, Anger Management, and group therapy. Still in IC to this day. I take medication for depression and anxiety. I've made significant changes and improvements in my life which my W has recognized and acknowledges. I've taken responsibility for my abhorent behavior and apologized may times. However, she has not been able to do the same even with IC and some MC.

Over the past three years, she has continued the EA off and on. I've caught here rekindling the affair many times while lying her @ass off to me and the MC about it. She took it underground several times with secret email acounts, secret texting, secret cell phones, etc. Each time I was able to find out and confront her. She exhibits remorse, cries, begs me not to do anything rash and promises never to do it again only to revert back to her old ways.

Last week I again found a lengthy email from her to him which unfortunately confirmed several suspicions I've had but could never prove. Turns out she did have a PA at least once with the OM and wants to do it again. He recently divorced his drunkard wife, got his own place and has custody of his kids. So he's readily available to carry on with this affair. 

Last week was the last straw for me. I now realize she's never going to change and I need to get on with my life. And therein lies the problem. I want (desparately need) a separation but we simply cannot afford to do it. I told her this and she just says we can't do it financially. I've run the numbers and it's just not possible so she's right. She does work full time now but only makes $11/hr. I'm the primary wage earner. And now with school out, we have a $3000 babysitting expense for the summer.

I feel trapped. My head is spinning. I'm consumed with the latest setback. I can't concentrate. I can't think straight. Having memory problems. Haven't done any 'real' work at my job since finding her email. Yesterday I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack.

She says she won't try to stop me from leaving but we first need to get our financial house in order. She wants me to stay for 6 mos so we can pay down some debt and she can post out of her current job and get a better paying one. *I don't think I can make it another six months!!! The pain, tension, and bitterness is overwhelming. How can I possibly do this any longer?*

Very sorry for the long story, but wanted to get it all out there. 

My questions are:

1. Since I have to stay in the same house, I don't feel I can effectively do The 180. To keep the household running, I can't simply back off and not do anything. Most things like cleaning, shopping, banking, and activities are intertwined with the kids wellbeing. Should I just suck it up, bury my emotions and somehow muddle through the next 6 mos?

2. When it comes time and I can actually move out, what do I need to do if anything to protect myself? I've seen posts that say don't leave till you see a lawyer. Something about abandonment. How can she say I abandoned her if I earn 80% of our income and still support her and the girls? I also see posts where it appears the couple just splits on a friendly basis without any legal arrangements being made.

OK, let me have it! Any and all advise is wanted at this time. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe some of you can relate your experiences, successes and offer some suggestions.


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## grizabella

It appears she's just using you for financial security while she rips your marriage to shreds with the OM. Let him support her if she's so attached to him. Many women are single mothers on a lot less and and there is help through different social agencies, but of course, she will have to put forth
some effort to find it. If this marriage can't be saved, then you have to save yourself or you will have nothing left to give your daughters.


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## maxter

grizabella said:


> It appears she's just using you for financial security while she rips your marriage to shreds with the OM. Let him support her if she's so attached to him. Many women are single mothers on a lot less and and there is help through different social agencies, but of course, she will have to put forth
> some effort to find it. If this marriage can't be saved, then you have to save yourself or you will have nothing left to give your daughters.


That's my feeling exactly. She's only been playing me along for the financial security. I don't like being played, lied to and deceived constantly. It's very demeaning and generates alot of bitterness. Yes, save myself, that's how I'm feeling. Like if I don't do something now, my very being is going to vanish. I feel like a defeated man.

She keeps the pressure on by telling me what my leaving will do to our girls. We will experence financial callapse (which I tend to believe) and destroy their lives. It's vitally important to her not to leave-on to our girls that anything is wrong and to keep them in a stable home they are happy in.

The guilt of leaving in general is very overwhelming.


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## DayDream

Women have a tendency, especially when they aren't financially set, to make sure they have someone on the side to go to when the ball finally drops. And people, unfortunately, have enough selfishness to do nothing but look out for numero-uno when they lose feelings for someone - to the point of cruelly manipulating to get their way, i.e. using the kids and guilt to keep you there long enough til they know the other person is going to take them in and be the one to support them. Which probably hasnt' happened on the other guy's end. I agree...you're being used. Stick up for yourself and do the right thing for your kids. Get out of that. First thing, though, is to talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and how to properly do this so that you can retain the custody rights you want and so you can be fairly treated during the divorce. 

As for the girls...they aren't stupid. They will know something is not right, and you will just end up not only showing them what a bad marriage is...but also betrayal when you guys finally can't take it anymore and do split and they find out you've been hiding it the whole time. What would that do to them when everything they thought was fine and good was really only crap? Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. They deserve to know the truth and to be treated like intelligent human beings, rather than keeping them in the dark and demeaning their capacity of understanding what is going on. Their lives are just beginning, and will not be destroyed. 

My parents should have gotten divorced when we were young (four brothers and a sister) but they didn't, and now my mom is a bitter and cold woman who hates my dad for everything he ever did, and he is destroyed and sad and pathetic and remorseful. So rather than seperating and becoming the people they used to be and fixing themselves...they continued down the path of destruction until they are in their seventies and are old and broken. Don't become that. 

I pray you do the right thing. Good luck and Godspeed!


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## Catherine602

Put your girls first then uourself. I agree they know something is up. They know dad is not happy and they lived. Through the qlcholhilic period. Yes she played a cruel game with you but it is over with her. Now everything you do must be to be q good man and role model to your kids. Fix yourself up and plan on an eventual healthy relationship so they get to see dad recoveded and happy and in a good relationship. 

You and your wife have had some challenges and you both handeled in dysfunctional ways at some points. But what is truly terrible about this is the cold deception and stringing you along. But I believe that karma will take care of that in time. Let her and this man have each other I don't see it ending well. Two cheaters. 

You however have worked hard to overcome your problems and have remained faithful. You are great relationship material- give yourself time to get out and recover and establish a firm relationship with your girls. Remember, you may be the only one who will model good adult relationships to them so select the next long term partner carefully next time. 

You will get through this and your hard work will pay off. It say nothing about you that you were unfortunate to be married to a deceptive woman, it says all about her. she will realize what a good man she gave up in time but it will be too late. Hang in there, you are closer now to a happy existence than you have been in years so let this play out. Seek legal advice and do an in house separation. 

Write out an agreement about what exactly need to be accomplished while you stay together. If the goals are not being met and there is foot dragging to keep you in house you may have to change things up. You take charge she is not capable of looking out for her own children if she can be so deceptive. So you are responsible for setting the pace and orderly transition. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maxter

Wow, this is great feedback! It makes me feel alittle better about myself and hopes for a better future outside this horrible marriage. But at the same time, it's disheartening in that it reaffirms my understanding of how bad the situation really is.

stillme4you> you hit it right on the head. In fact he's not ready or possibly even willing to take her in. Their EA has been rocky, with fits and starts. She's hanging onto a fantasy about what life could be like with him. But he's an adulterer and user, through and through. He cheated on my W when they originally dated. He left her after 3mos to go marry some OW. He's cheated on his recent exwife for years. He's a real POS. It's good he lives 2hrs away. God forbid I ever run into him face to face.

And you're correct about our girls. They've already experienced some bad arguments and behaviors on both our parts. They ask some scary questions about mommy & daddy's love for each other and our family unit sometimes. They have friends in school with only one parent and the idea is both foreign and frightening to them.

Catherine602> I agree completely about my W and the OM not ending up well. Two disfunctional cheaters will not make a good combination.

So I guess my next step is to make an appointment with an attorney to help guide me in the right legal direction. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.


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## MEM2020

TD,
Go see a lawyer. And then shutdown ALL discretionary spending.
Yours and hers. And detach from her. Be polite but no more 
I love you stuff...

this is great feedback! It makes me feel alittle better about myself and hopes for a better future outside this horrible marriage. But at the same time, it's disheartening in that it reaffirms my understanding of how bad the situation really is.

stillme4you> you hit it right on the head. In fact he's not ready or possibly even willing to take her in. Their EA has been rocky, with fits and starts. She's hanging onto a fantasy about what life could be like with him. But he's an adulterer and user, through and through. He cheated on my W when they originally dated. He left her after 3mos to go marry some OW. He's cheated on his recent exwife for years. He's a real POS. It's good he lives 2hrs away. God forbid I ever run into him face to face.

And you're correct about our girls. They've already experienced some bad arguments and behaviors on both our parts. They ask some scary questions about mommy & daddy's love for each other and our family unit sometimes. They have friends in school with only one parent and the idea is both foreign and frightening to them.

Catherine602> I agree completely about my W and the OM not ending up well. Two disfunctional cheaters will not make a good combination.

So I guess my next step is to make an appointment with an attorney to help guide me in the right legal direction. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maxter

Here is an update. I managed to get her to talk with me last night about separation planning. It was only 30mins but at least she was fairly calm about it. Her biggest concern seems to be financial. She didn't express any emotion or feelings about the fact that our marriage is ending. Oh well.

She keeps saying she can't support herself and our girls on $11/hr. I keep telling her I'm not leaving her with only her paycheck. That I still need to support the household my kids are living in which in turn means supporting her to some extent. The worst thing is we just don't make enough money to support two households at the moment. Hence my feelings of being trapped. I have a solution for that but she's reluctant to agree.

I have a classic car, 1971 Buick Gran Sport (tribute), that I've had since before meeting the W. It's my last and only remaining hobby, as work and raising children has replaced all else. Mostly it sits in the garage because I don't have time or $$ to work on it. I proposed selling the car to give us the money needed to cover the extra expenses. It's would get us by for 2-3yrs. Hopefully by then she's making more money.

Anyway, the car is titled in both our names and I cannot sell it without her consent because we both must sign over the title to any new owner. And she's been refusing to do so saying the car is too important to me and selling it will make me feel bad, it has sentimental value, etc. She's more worried about how I feel about a stupid car than the fact our relationship and very way of life is comming to an end. It just blows my mind!

Last night was the first time she seemed to be opening up to the idea of selling. I told her to give it some serious consideration. Yeah, I like the car and all, but peace of mind, emotional stability and getting on with my life are more important to me. I can always buy another car (someday hopefully)


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## the guy

Your wife is a serial cheater and has slept with another man. I get the fact that your trapped finacially but not emotionall. She continues to hurt you and you tolorate it. 
At the very least move her stuff out of the bed room and out to the garage.

She cake eating and thats BS, at the very least you can give her a taste of what it will be like when you guy split. Stop supporting her adultry. Close your joint accounts and cut her off. 

You are making this to easy for her to continue this affair. Until she want to recommit to the marriage I see no reason to support her.

Sure it will take extra work but take care of your kids and manage your house but as far as paying for her gas to see the OM and paying for her cell so she can have phone sex with the OM is nuts.

You can't control her it is her choice to continue on her path, but at least stop inabling to have an affair. If she doesn't like the new then she can leave. Im what exactly is the $11 an hour contribute to? Most likly most of it goes to her. Her makeup so she can look good for OM. I have a feeling she is dumbing most of her dough on seeing him then helpinh out the household. Just something you may want to look into.

Again I can understand you feeling trapped but you must look at your self and the man that lost him self by being managed by a disloyal wife.


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## Jellybeans

You need to start planning practically. 
Save some $. If she wants out, she can leave, too.
If seslling is what you both agree to, great.
Does she know you know about the EA-turned-PA? I would tell her you know if you haven't already.
She is a serial cheater, as someone mentioned on here. Get tested for STDs.
180s can be done while you're still living in the same house.
Try to stay positive and be the best father you can for your daughters.


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## Locard

Stop reassuring her Mr. Plan B. I know its hard. If you are making 80 percent of the money I would be putting your pay in your own account and make sure she does not have access to it. She needs to feel what it is going to be like. Why do you feel obligated to her? This same mentality is why she felt she could do this in the first place, she knows of your kindness and took you for a fool! Best of luck, your obligation is to you children now.


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## Familylaw_LA

You really need to speak with a family law attorney. Things you do now could have long term consequences in terms of your finances and child custody. There may immediate options available to you that you haven't thought about and a temporary order pending the divorce may solve some of the problems you mentioned. Best of luck. Twitter


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## maxter

OK, it's been awhile and here's an update. All the previous posts about being a doormat and enabler ring true. I understand that. I've been staying put mainly for our girls sake to make this summer as stable and fun for them as possible. Since I cannot make any changes right now due to our temporary financial situation (child care expenses) I decided to make use of this time to try and crack the barrier that my wife has put up against true R. I know it's a long shot, but what the hell. At least I can leave knowing that I did everything possible to turn this around and that makes me feel better about myself.

She is unable or unwilling (not exactly sure which) to acknowlege, take ownership, be honest, or offer transparency about the A. So I've been 'mentoring' her by providing numerous articles found on the web and this site about affairs, how they happen, the emotional effects felt by the cheater, the impact on the DS & family, remorse, reconciliation, etc. She has read all of them and told me so. She even said they were informative and gave her new perspective on the situation.

By the way, with her new full time job and home responsibilities, she is really busy which leaves little time for contacting the OM. I have not been monitoring communications, so I really don't now if they text or call. But I think he's once again broken contact with her and the FOG has lifted which may allow some of what I'm doing to sink in.

I also have been stepping up my game. Being more attentive, affectionate, initiating sex more often, taking care of the household tasks & making dinner since she works later than I do. Running the kids around everywhere to their activities. Planned our family vacation this year. I want her to see how good life really is with us. I know- major doormat situation. I should be doing 180 and distancing myself. That will come soon enough this fall if she doesn't come around. Until then I'm going to keep trying to save this marriage!

I gave her some time to absorb the material and things I've been doing to see what she would do. Unfortunately, nothing happened. No R efforts from her. She's nice and all. We've been getting along fine, no arguments or fights. Just day to day living. So first week of July, I sat down with her to talk about the lack of R on her part. Layed it out exactly what I need from her for True R. Told her time is ticking away. Told her she should be trying harder to see her IC (IC is booked till Sept, but you can call in daily looking for cancellations). She took it all in but not much response to my talk. So I continue with my efforts.

I setup a date night, dinner and a movie. We had a good time, almost like when we were dating before getting married. We went on our family vacation to Myrtle Beach and had a wonderful time. Had good sex too:smthumbup: Now here we are beginning of Aug and still no R efforts from her. In fact she just did something that makes me uneasy. Her cell phone has been acting up. She drops it all the time and it's a few years old. So the day after we get back from vacation, she goes and gets a new 3G phone. Doesn't tell me, but does use our joint account to pay for it so that's how I found out. She could easily have used her personal credit card but didn't. It's been four days now and she hasn't showed me her new phone or said anything about it. WTH? Again, no transparency.

So I'm about to confront her one last time about her lack of effort to R. Probably not worth the effort, but like I said, might as well keep the pressure on while I'm stuck here. Here is the script I'm going to use. Take a read and let me know if I should change if anything.

Here we are another month later after I talked with you the beginning of July and still nothing from you! It would be nice if you had the maturity and guts to resolve the issue of your affair, but I guess that's not going to happen. So far there still has not been any acknowledgement, remorse, ownership, honesty, or transparency forthcoming from you. All you do is rugsweep the issue and behave nicely toward me. That is not enough.

Yes, In the past I too have fallen short of meeting my responsibility as a loving husband. I did not honor my vows as I should have. But unlike you, when confronted with loosing my wife & family I took the initiative to seek out help, make changes within myself, take responsibility for what I did to you and appologize for it.

From all appearances and your lack of action, it seems that you are willing to give up your life as you've known it (and a pretty good one at that). It is very sad and depressing to know you can throw it all away. I would like to know why. Is it pride or ego? Why can't you come clean and resolve this elephant in the room? What is holding you back? Maybe you're done with me but simply can't say it. I just don't know.

You should start thinking about divorce and how we will separate things like the house, equity, debts and such. Also, think about the girls and what is best for THEM with regard to custody (and not just what you want or feels good to you). What I mean by that is an equality of time shared with both of us, not skewed to one parent or the other. They love us both very much and deserve equal time with each of us.

Time is running out fast. The summer is almost over and the added childcare expense will be going away. This will change our financial dynamic and allow for the necessary changes to take place. Changes I don't want but feel are necessary due to the circumstances. I will NOT tolerate any further rugsweeping of what you have done to me and our family. Staying in a marriage without trust, being a doormat, being played is not healthy and does not set a good example. I must do what is right for me and set an appropriate example for our girls as to what is acceptable in a marriage & relationship. Doing so will allow them to reflect on what happened between us later in their lives and see how it was eventually resolved in a healthy way. 

I do love you very much and want to reconcile. It's all in your hands now. You must do the heavy lifting from here on out. I pray you're up to the task.


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## upset/confused

I would remove, I love you very much. She knows this and will use this against you. Present her with your idea of how/what will be split up financially, child care etc. 

Did you consult with a lawyer? Please do


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## maxter

Update-
I didn't have an opportunity to go through my script outlined above in red text with her yet. But she did come to me this weekend and asked me what did I expect from her after giving her the literature about A's, True R and such. I told her I hoped she would read them and gain some understanding of herself and the effects of the A on us both, and what True R really looks like when it's implemented properly. And that I haven't seen any efforts on her part yet and it was really bothering me as time is running out, fall is coming.

She told me that I'm trying to stipulate how she should feel and act. That she understands the mistakes she's made. She didn't say 'affair', just that she made mistakes. She says I'm never satisfied with how she does things. That it's never good enough for me. She said this in reference to IC I asked her to restart (it's been months since her last session). She continues to state that Sept is the first available appt. I reiterated she can call any day, even everyday to get cancellation appts. No response to this.

From there she tells me she's upset that I criticized her IC a few weeks ago. I responded that I wasn't trying to criticize IC, but that I had concerns that the A wasn't being addressed at all and therefore she didn't come to grips with the A and what it was doing to me and our family. She didn't say whether A was discussed but proceeded to tell me there were alot of other issues going on in her life at the time (several deaths within her family, close relatives) and she was working through those problems.

She also says that she feels there is a 'mental block' of some kind in her mind that is preventing her from moving forward. She hopes MC & IC will help her break through that wall. I do too! We haven't had a MC session in a year. Our next MC session is this week. I will have to see if she can open up anymore with some mediation from the therapist.

One question: If I provide literature and verbally outline what I need for True R, is that being to controlling? For example, remorse should be part of True R, and when I state I haven't seen any display of remorse she says I'm trying to tell her how to feel. Also, when I press her about doing more to get an IC appt, she says I'm never satisfied with her efforts. That her making the first available appt wasn't good enough. I'm really trying to offer gentle direction & guidance with regards to what she needs to do. I don't harp on it. I don't get verbally abusive, just calmly point out where she could improve in certain areas. What do you all think?


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## Hicks

Every time you hand her an article, or say what is in red, what you are saying is "I think you are flawed, broken, and need to be fixed".

This is not a good strategy for reconciling. Now, it's hard to understand how you can say she is not making an effort at reconciling when she goes out on a date with you, goes on vacation with you and has sex with you. I'm pretty sure she feels by doing these things she is making an effort at reconciling and your words are telling her again that she is doing it badly,she is a failure etc.

This is why many people take the approach of defining what they need and allowing the opposite party to choose to meet those terms or not. So you should outline what you need for true R. But do it such a way that you are not telling her constantly that she is not doing it. And, invite her choose to do these things or choose not to.


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## the guy

The only thing that came to mind is that the "summer plan" hasn't worked, so jump start the "fall plan" by doing a 180 a"change up" if you while. IDK, but if you cancel the date nights, stop the affection and distance your self, then as you get closer to Sept. she may see your exit plan start to evolve through Aug. and second guess her behavior. Again just another gamble.

As far as the letter goes I would at least put more acknowledgement of her "full plate" there by showing some sign of understanding. But by no means don't take away what your needs are. What you have writen so far is good....just add to it. Something that just acknowledges her feeling, if you now what I mean?


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## maxter

Hicks> 
It was not my intention to make her feel 'flawed, broken and in need of fixing', but I can see your point if I step back alittle. I think she really doesn't know what to do to 'fix' what she has done. She doesn't have the mental or emotional tools to reconcile. Some of which is born from her past and how she grew up. In her family, big issues were simply 'gotten over' and never really resolved. You were just supposed to forget about it and move on. Of course that doesn't address the underlying problem and the anger & resentment just linger waiting to burst out later over something else.

Regarding telling her what I need for R, I did this back in early June. Looking back through my posts, I see I didn't mention this. Anyway, I told her I need six things to R and allow me to heal emotionally: take ownership for the A, honesty about what happened, be transparent going forward, NC forever, attend MC and restart IC. I think that's pretty clear. So far she's agreed to MC (mtg this week) and scheduled her own IC session (although was months out at the time due to therapist's huge workload).

OK, typing this out, I can see she's doing some of what I asked. And yes it's not good enough for me. I've been dealing with this $hit for 3 1/2 years and I guess my patience is wearing thin. She doesn't appear concerned that unless she steps up and does the heavy lifting, I'm going to file for D this fall. I feel like I've been doing all the lifting all these years trying to save our marriage.

the guy>
On one hand I can see where perhaps I should acknowledge her 'full plate' with work, kids and all and that might make her feel less defensive over my concerns about what she's putting into R. But dammit, I'm tired of pulling the cart for this marriage. I want her to pull it for awhile. Right now I'm just not satisfied with her minimal efforts and that makes it hard to offer any kudos.

The past week I've been feeling depressed and angry about all this. Her lack of acceptable effort just sets me off sometimes! I want to tell her "WAKE UP WOMAN", the house is burning down around you and all you do is throw a glass of water on it. Aarg!


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## xArielle

twindad said:


> Hicks>
> It was not my intention to make her feel 'flawed, broken and in need of fixing', but I can see your point if I step back alittle. I think she really doesn't know what to do to 'fix' what she has done. She doesn't have the mental or emotional tools to reconcile. Some of which is born from her past and how she grew up. In her family, big issues were simply 'gotten over' and never really resolved. You were just supposed to forget about it and move on.


Yeah, Ive made all kinds of excuses for my husband's lack of effort and neglecting to not destroy our marriage. Until recently, I too thought he isn't capable of doing what it would take for a R. They aren't incapable of what we're asking of them. They're unwilling. And it's not going to change until you're done making the efforts. She's confused, a liar, and maybe a little evil.  Whatever concerns she expresses over her own finances, you need only remind her that should have run some figures in her head before she stabbed you in the back.

You gotta work the 180 and get away from her asap.


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## maxter

UPDATE-
Last night we had our first MC session in 1 1/2yrs. I was a wreck all day leading up to it. Lots of anxiety about what I was going to say and how to say it. Worrying whether she would say anything or be able to open up at all. Well, it went OK. Nothing spectacular. I would describe the session as 'tepid'. But then again I've been trying for 3 1/2yrs to resolve this nightmare and I'm definitely impatient now.

When we went in to the therapist's office, I asked my W if she wanted to start or had anything on her mind to say. She declined which made me feel sad. I was hoping for a revelation or epiphany from her. Things did improve later in the session, but more on that later. I started off explaining where things had stood when we last saw the therapist and what had transpired over the last 1 1/2yrs. I told her that our relationship appeared to be getting better, my trust was slowly rebuilding but then BAM! I found the lengthy email letter in May and once again my W stabbed me in the back. I told her that I was getting ready to D and move out but financial issues prevented that so I'm staying through the summer mainly for my kids sake and would be delaying separation until the fall.

She then turned to my W and asked her "What happened?" "Things were going well last time I saw you guys." "You had committed to the marriage and NC." "What is going on with you and this OM?". To which my W stated for the first time ever "I had an affair. I made a huge mistake. I will never be able to apologize enough for what I've done." She became emotional and choked up somewhat. From there the therapist proceed to question her about the affair, timeline, her reasons for breaking NC over and over. They went back and forth for 20mins about it. I just listened.

What I took from my W's responses is that she's still not clear on why the A continued even after I got help for my issues and improved myself and after MC had made improvements. She cannot explain the 'draw' of the OM. She alluded to him filling some unmet need emotionally. She knows it's wrong but can't help herself when he's available. She does acknowledge all the improvements I've made over the years and what a great family and life we have together. This is something she really needs to work on in IC and the MC told her so.

I told my W that I still love her and still want to R, but at the same time, I've come to the point in our relationship and due to the damage done by the A that I'm ready to let her go if necessary. I also said I'm concerned my W isn't up to the task of R and meeting my needs for R. I explained in detail what I need to heal, regain trust, and rebuild our relationship. The MC asked my W if she understood and could work on those things. My W stated that she is trying, but she feels it's never good enough for me. I can see how she feels that way given the feedback she got from me throughout this summer. But from my perspective, she's not fullfilling my requirements up to now. Hopefully with mediation from the MC, we can work on that to my satisfaction going forward.

I am relieved she finally admitted to having an A. And she talked about how much she's hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me anymore. She did display some emotion and a few tears although I'm not feeling the love, so to speak. I could sense she was very uncomfortable when talking about the A. I thought her expression and body language was alittle weak & distant. This gives me concern. Either she's telling me what I want to hear or it's just this mental block she talks about that needs to be opened up to get things flowing.

Next MC is in two weeks and her first renewed IC session is soon after. I pray this gets things moving in the right direction and we find some kind of resolution to this horrific chapter in our lives.


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## maxter

UPDATE-
Last week in our MC session, the therapist asked my W when was the last time she had contact with the OM. My W hemmed and hawed and both the therapist and I knew she didn't want to admit she had recent contact. Anyway, she said it was 'awhile' ago and wasn't really sure. It was left at that and we moved on to other things.

So yesterday I sent my W an email requesting improved transparency. I asked her to reactivate her online cell phone account listing to prove to me she was following NC. I told her that I cannot blindly trust what she says anymore since my trust has been totally destroyed by her cheating and lies. I told her by doing this it would help to slowly rebuild that lost trust.

Well, I hit a nerve because she texted me later to say "We need to talk when you get home". I thought "oh boy, here we go. she's going to either tell me she's done with our marriage or spill some more information".

Later in the evening, when we had a chance to sit down and talk, she starts by telling me she can't do this anymore. She can't continue the lies and living two separate lives (one w/me and other w/OM). She says she can't even keep all the lies straight anymore because there are too many to keep track of. She told me she needs to give our marriage a fair chance at succeeding and the only way to do that is to cut him off and concentrate on us (no $hit!).

She said she still has alot of pain from years ago when I used to mistreat & belittle her. From when I used to tell her she meant nothing to me and I was just staying for the kids. Pain from me telling her that she disgusted me. I did and said alot of terrible things for which I am truly sorry. I've apologized many, many times for this poor behavior. I reminded her that time in my life was very dark, I was lost, acting immature, acting out in anger, unable to cope with the stress of twin newborns and was out of control with my drinking. But I also pointed out that I've made significant changes the last 3 1/2 years and no longer behave in that way anymore. My actions show my longterm commitment to improve myself and our relationship.

Anyway, I'm starting to see some small cracks in her armor. She seems to be really looking inside herself for the first time in years and doesn't like what she's become. She says she doesn't want to deceive or lie to me anymore. She says she can see the pain & anguish in my eyes when I talk about how badly she's hurt me with her betrayal. Hopefully this is the beginning of her opening her mind and heart to figure out what she really wants and to work on improving herself. God I pray it's so because I'm wore out from this rollercoaster of a life. It needs to finally change and in a positive direction for once.


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## Ticonderoga

Great news !! I hope she does cut of all contact with the OM. The one thing I don't see in your posts is any form of positive reinforcement towards her. Keep in mind you did a lot of damage to her mentally while you were drinking putting her down and belittling her.....this cuts very deep. Glad to hear she finally told you this. Point is if you just keeping beating her over the head with negative stuff it keeps pushing her towards folks that aren't treating her thay way AKA the OM. Plus it could be a trigger to the way you were when drinking.

Food for thought anyway.


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## ForlornHubby

Twindad, I'm rooting for you because if you can pull off saving your marriage in the end then there may be a chance for me and my wife's "mid-life crisis" to blow over.

I too don't want to just stay together for the kids as she does. It's not meant to be that way...


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## maxter

UPDATE- VERY BAD NEWS: IT'S FINALLY OVER FOR ME 

I haven't been feeling right about the past week, even with the MC and her appearing to open up a bit. My gut has been churning but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. You see, my W told me she wanted to start a new tradition with our daughters by going on an overnight shopping trip to buy new school clothes to two huge malls. Sortof make it a girls/mom event. I went along with it because on the surface it sounded reasonable. And what could happen, I mean she had our two 9yr olds with her right?

Well some bits and pieces of info started coming in which set off my gut alert full blast. First my girls told me they stayed in a fancy room. They had their own bedroom and mommy had hers with a living room/kitchen between them. I'm thinking WTF!!! Why do you need a huge, expensive rm to stay overnight. (red flag one) I checked the room price and it was $190. I asked my wife how much was the room and how did she pay for it since we were low on money. She angrily says "It was only $104 with my discount" (red flag two). So I checked one of me W's texts and sure enough she sent this on Friday- "What time are you coming over tomorrow night?". Meaning the night she and my kids would be at the hotel. That just pushed me right to the edge. (red flag 3) Now my head is spinning wildly. I asked my kids what she was wearing when they went to bed and she had on the usual crappy T-shirt. But when I checked her suitcase upon returning home, there were her fancy pink silk pajamas that she never wears! (red flag four)

OK, by now I'm about to come unglued. I'm thinking what happened. Did she sneak him up after the kids fell asleep? How did he get into the secured Hotel after hours? etc. This is now late Sunday and I've got all this suspicion building like a tsunami inside me.

Monday, as I mentioned in a recent post, I sent her the text asking for cell phone record access and she almost immediately wants to 'talk w/ me tonight'. So we talked as I outlined in that post, but I left out a piece of this puzzle. She tells me out of the blue, she intentionally picked a hotel farther away from the malls because she didn't want to be near the OM or have to think about him much. (red flag five) Well, I never asked about where the hotel was or why it was farther from the Mall when there are closer, cheaper ones.

Now for the clincher!!! My gut is screaming at me. I'm looking for that last piece to tie this all together and finally BAM it falls in my lap. I'm not going to say how, but I caught a phone conversation between my W and a friend of hers on Tuesday. They were talking about her friends failed relationship with her ex-boyfriend and another friend w/benefits and my W just starts talking about Saturday night at the hotel. How it was the first time they've spent together, overnight, in 15yrs. How wonderful it was. How deeply she has fallen for him. How they got $hitfaced stoned and had great sex. ALL THIS WHILE MY TWO KIDS ARE SLEEPING IN THE NEXT ROOM!!!

This last part just happened early this morning. I'm trying to listen to the rest of the conversation but my head is spinning, I'm shaking, my heart is racing. My W goes on to say how the next day she sends him an email on a secret gmail account and he has some other woman's picture (who's married BTW) posted with 'I Love You' all over it. My W is pissed. She complains to him. He ignores her as usual. She says to her friend that he just keeps doing this to her. That she's never 'the one' in his life. She's crying about it over the phone. She says when he wants her he knows how to reach her. OMG! 

I don't even recognize this person as my W. It hits me and hits hard. I'm about to come unglued. So I go into the kitchen, get a tall glass of ice cold water and enter our bedroom. She's sound asleep. I splash the cold water all over her head. She screams and sits up looking around and sees me seething. She keeps saying 'what? 'What is it?" Very bad thoughts are racing through my mind. I'm barely holding it together. I yell at her "What did you do? What happened Saturday at the hotel?" She says "What?. I tell her I saw the text invitation. She starts to lie, "yes, I sent it, but he didn't show- had another engagement". YEAH RIGHT! I scream at her "BS! He was there and with our two girls right in the other room. You have just sealed your fate. Your life is now over with me!"

By now I'm loosing control and realize I have to leave. I grab my clothes, wallet and keys. She doesn't follow me. Soon as I get in the car she texts all worried I might crash. I'm thinking yeah now you're worried, but not while ****ing him and our kids are right there with you! I mean Jesus! What kind of person can do that? She must really be messed up to even think it, let alone plan it, then do it. So far only one call from her at lunch today asking about my daughters guitar lesson. I told her I would take care of it like I have been doing. I didn't say anymore, just hung on the line. Long silence, she says nothing. then after about 2 mins she says "well, guess that's it, bye".

So here I go. I called my doctor to get tested for STD's. I called and have three appts with lawyers this week to see what I need to do next. I'm really beyond pissed about what happened this weekend. Not sure if I can do anything to force her out of the house. I do have some evidence, but not sure if can be used to have her removed. Not even sure that is the best coarse of action. She can be vindictive when pushed to her limits and the kids are a trigger for her. Even if I could get a restraining order or child protective order, that would really set the stage for a huge battle. I have no intent of preventing her from seeing the kids. Overall she's a good mother (i know that will get flamed), just a terrible, misguided wife. Sighhhhh. OK I'm done ranting. Just needed to get this out. Can't see my IC till tomorrow night so needed somewhere to vent. Wish me luck with the Divorce!


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## RunningOnEmpty

twindad, at least you now know, and you are out of limbo.

Focus on yourself, and on your kids.

If your wife is vindictive as you mention and the kids are a trigger for her, expect her to play dirty.

You cannot get her thrown out of your house, it is marital property. You might guilt her into (voluntarily) leaving.

On the other hand she may make up a false domestic violence claim and throw YOU out of the house with a protective order.

Go to dadsdivorce.com and follow the list. Get an mp3 player on you at all times, and go into radio silence. Don't engage your wife. You don't have to prove anything. Don't ask her anything.

The throwing of a glass of water at her, has to stop. You need to cool down. 

Your focus must be yourself and your kids. Your kids will go through some difficult times and they will need you more than ever. Take this time to be a great dad.


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## Ticonderoga

Damn, sorry to hear that.


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## maxter

FYI- I moved to the divorce forum.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...139-ive-graduated-divorce-forum-very-sad.html


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