# Not sure what to make of this



## Frustrated_Hubby (Mar 22, 2018)

SO here is the routine at the household as of late.
-I initiate sex sometime overt sometimes subtle

-get turned down (multiple times)

-I get frustrated and withdraw Say things like I can't wait until I can go ...... 
-meantime wife is on couch playing games and watching TV

-Shortly after I get upset and pull away she initiates and expects me to jump right into it. (never turn down sex)

-this might go on for a couple days then we lather rinse repeat the cycle. 

Prime example:
I went out of town for four days. Upon returning she meets me at the door with a beer and made steak for dinner. She is amorous in bed the next two nights. Then nothing, no touch no kiss no affection of any type. Last night she comes home from work and is grilling me with questions. I get mad and tell her to stop. THat night she is all over me. I ignored her. 

What do I do now? I am tired of the game.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is cheating, guilt sex


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Frustrated_Hubby said:


> SO here is the routine at the household as of late.
> -I initiate sex sometime overt sometimes subtle
> 
> -get turned down (multiple times)
> ...


How long have you been married/together?
Has it always been like this? If not, when did it change?
Why is OK for you to turn her down for sex, but not the other way around? 


ABHale said:


> She is cheating, guilt sex


Based on the fact that she sometimes wants sex, especially after not seeing him for a while? That doesn't sound unusual; I had no idea so many women were having affairs.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It’s the “come here, come here, come here....no get away, get away, get away.”

Sounds annoying.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> How long have you been married/together?
> Has it always been like this? If not, when did it change?
> Why is OK for you to turn her down for sex, but not the other way around?
> 
> Based on the fact that she sometimes wants sex, especially after not seeing him for a while? That doesn't sound unusual; I had no idea so many women were having affairs.


Read through all of the post that he has made since last year.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I will rephrase my last post. She could be cheating on you and feels guilty about it at times and that’s when she crawls all over you


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Read through all of the post that he has made since last year.


Thanks, did that. Is this a continuation, or something new? He'd previously posted his "last" in the other thread, some time ago. What's changed since then?

Going back through that thread, it appears there's not much reason for his wife to change because he's willing to settle and won't draw a line in the sand. And yet... he passes on opportunities, perhaps due to pride. I think it possible that accepting any opportunities made available might possibly lead to more success when he approaches her. 

If you buy into the "love without condition, till death do us part" stuff, and it seems like that's the case here (since he won't draw a line in the sand and suggest he's not unhappy enough to leave), then... accept her love without condition.

A good book for his wife might be "Awaken Love." It's written from a Christian woman's point of view, but it's a bit more on-point than you might expect, and not in the super-preachy "The man is the head of the household and you'll do as he wants" sort of way. 

At the very least, the effort should be made to point out the benefits to the wife (or husband) if the husband (or wife) is happier when sexual desires are fulfilled. It took my wife a bit to get there. She resisted, even though she has observed the benefits and knows they are real. But it took a lot more than just knowing that to push through to where we are today. Had to undergo a major crisis that was really demonstrating our differences, to such an extent that we nearly came to a breaking point and she had to choose a path. 

But nothing matters if he doesn't have the resolve to get there, and find ways to improve not just his health, but his image of himself as well.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Frustrated, the 180 works for this kind of wife too. Use it on her. You'll find out whether she's cheateg, and it could clarify things in a hurry.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Are you unhappy with the frequency of sex or just that her pattern of method of "giving it up" (not PC I know) isn't exactly your pattern? 

Does she acquiesce later the same day or night when your advances are rebuffed?

What does she do when you turn her advances down? I read you don't, but if never you should time to time, just to see what happens.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Frustrated_Hubby said:


> *What do I do now?* I am tired of the game.


That behavior seems odd, but fits with the old concept that desire needs distance. It may be hard for your wife to feel desire for you unless she first notices some distance and then she gets needy. But generally women don't work that way as they often crave an emotional connection first before they will be receptive. 

Another angle could be that of power and control. She could be using sex as a relationship weapon so that she has all the power and control to get whatever she wants. When you are motivated for intimacy then there is no need to give it to you because she is in control. When you no longer seem to want it, then she has to reestablish her dominance over you to put you back in your place. 

Then there are those that say she is cheating and driven by guilt. I doubt that but I am no expert on this topic. 

So what do you do? You could work on trying to communicate better in terms of understanding each other's sexuality. You each have needs/wants but seem to be oblivious as to how those things relate to sexual intimacy. *The primary thing I would suggest to do would be to set a schedule for sexual intimacy and force yourselves to stick to it for a while.* It seems lame but doing so will bring a lot of things to the surface in your relationship that may have been previously obscured by initiation anxiety. 

Here is a good conversation about that I started a while back https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/384482-benefits-scheduling-intimacy.html

My wife and I do not have a schedule anymore as we prefer things to happen naturally, but in the event life gets busy and overwhelming we do sometimes fall back on a schedule here and there due to the unique benefits it offers. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I can say as @badsanta says, setting a schedule for intimacy and sticking to it for a while may take the majority of stress out of the relationship regarding sex.

I know this works because DW and I did that for a few months when "busy schedules" got away from us and neither felt we spent enough time in the sack.

So we did daily at 7:00pm for two months, and our natural patterns reset, if you will, and life was stress free.

I knew every day at 7pm I was going to be lying in the cut, (sorry, a little crass) and to also make myself available per our agreement. 

It works.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I can say as @badsanta says, setting a schedule for intimacy and sticking to it for a while may take the majority of stress out of the relationship regarding sex.
> 
> I know this works because DW and I did that for a few months when "busy schedules" got away from us and neither felt we spent enough time in the sack.
> 
> ...


Yeah, your last sentence is more than a little gross, and the reason some women accuse men of just wanting to have sex with them/ using them for sex.

I am HD and if I learned my partner said that, I'd be so TURNED OFF it would be a very long time before I wanted to have sex with him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Crass I agree as said, not gross, but hey opinions vary or whatever. 

Take what helps, leave the rest.

I shouldn't take the bait but likely will. It's almost another four day vacation, happy 4th of July!!

Got sidetracked a bit.

Back to the bait. Respectfully you may be HD but maybe not as much as thought - if you think that's gross (your word, not mine) you may not be vocal enough during sex, as experienced or as HD as believe.

I'll apologize in advance for disagreeing, but there are no female body parts I think are gross.

Love them all, that's my opinion. And frequently. 

A woman is sexy from head to toes and that includes what's between the ears (her mind, to be ultra clear).

And yes, I just want to use a woman for sex and want to be accused of just wanting them for sex. 

I want them to know I only think of them as sexy women, and for them to know they're hot.

Course, I have to share that after 35yrs of marriage I'm trying to be a "better" man, but my wife keeps pulling me back to bed, so I waffle on that.

DW is there for me to play with. My own personal toy. Sometimes by my rules, sometimes by hers. I'm flexible. I have the marks to prove it.

Is not your SO there for you, don't you feel you should be able to reach out and grab him anytime?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Crass I agree as said, not gross, but hey opinions vary or whatever.
> 
> Take what helps, leave the rest.
> 
> ...


You termed having sex with you wife as "lying in the cut". Now you are saying became I think that terminology is *disgusting* that I'm not vocal during sex, not experienced, and not as HD as I think? 

Thankfully you can choose to put posters on ignore, I am going to employ that function.

And OP let this be a lesson in how NOT to refer to having sex with your wife.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

K.
Luv u


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## Frustrated_Hubby (Mar 22, 2018)

I am almost 100% certain that she is not cheating on me. She never leaves home. The only thing she started doing is going to her mom's to mow the lawn. OTher than that, she is home on the couch with the ipad watching TV. 

I truly believe that it is a power thing at the base of the issue. I am going to address it and see what happens.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I think you're on the right track. Only you have all the details and nuances involved.

From your posts I've read you have a good grasp on potential red flags versus just speed bumps in any ltr, this tells me you'll be able to adjust your sails as needed to get back on a good course for both of you.

As you know already every ltr has choppy waters here and there on the long journey, so tack a little, enjoy some smooth sailing. 

You'd know if it was a "hurricane". I don't see that yet myself.

Best of luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've seen dozens of people on these threads who are having online affairs with people they spend time with on apps or games online. Just sayin'. 

Have you installed a keylogger on her ipad?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Frustrated_Hubby said:


> I am almost 100% certain that she is not cheating on me. She never leaves home. The only thing she started doing is going to her mom's to mow the lawn. OTher than that, she is home on the couch with the ipad watching TV.
> 
> I truly believe that it is a power thing at the base of the issue. I am going to address it and see what happens.


Assuming it is a power thing. How would you approach that to improve your relationship? Would you embrace that she likes to have power in the relationship or would you try to reset boundaries? 

Generally speaking I get that whatever can be addressed, you just want to stop playing games. She on the other hand may sense that you are frustrated and actually up her game. So in other words in order to end the illusion of game playing, she will position herself to have even more power in the relationship. Kind of like a chess move in which you are one play away from checkmate. 

In my opinion you are the one that needs to up your game. If your wife becomes more sexually receptive when you ignore her or are distant from her, then all you need to learn how to do is play hard to get. Try initiating sex by telling her that you are not in the mood and ask her not to bother you. Then sit close to her and tell her to keep her hands off of you. If she tries to toy with you, claim that you very well know that you are sexually irresistible, but that you are tired of being used as a sex object and that you need to be appreciated for more than just your good looks. Tell her that she needs to learn how to control herself and just be patient. Claim that you will let her know when you will be in the mood and that it will not be anytime soon. .... at this point she will attack you like a vampire that has not eaten in 1000 years! 

If you can keep a positive attitude and be playful in that manner, it actually can be fun. You just have to turn the tables a little and be ridiculously overconfident about it.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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