# Long term marriage



## SJKD

Hi. I have been married for 24 years to my husband. We started dating when I was 17 years old. We have two teenagers.

I am seeking some help. We have done marriage counseling and we still seem stuck.

He explains to me that he does not feel desired. I must admit in the past I have been guilty of ignoring the problem of lack of desire. Hoping it would resolve itself on its own. There was a time he tried very hard and saw no effort.

I am getting very frustrated because I am initiating and coming up with ideas and he seems to enjoy in the moment but later tells me it was not passionate enough. It felt like I was doing it because I said I would try.

Feeling that no matter how much effort I am unable to fulfill his emotional needs. He gets angry because he explains the passion would just be there if I did truly desire him. I am finding myself full of anziety trying to fulfill him. When I try to explain the anziety he gets more angry and says how is that suppose to make me feel that was wife experiences anziety when trying to be intimate with me.

Any advice is appreciated. I do not know what to do. I love him.


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## ccpowerslave

SJKD said:


> There was a time he tried very hard and saw no effort.


This hurt him deeply.

Aside from that if he was higher desire and coming to you, he needs to understand that many women have responsive desire and not spontaneous desire (woman initiating).

If you tell him it probably won’t work. So my recommendation would be to contact a MC or sex therapist who knows this; there are many online and maybe try booking some sessions with them. 

This is assuming you do actually have responsive desire, you need to know why you shut him down in the past. Do you? Check out the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. If you don’t know why you shut him down this book might help you figure it out.


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## Al_Bundy

I agree with CC, some more professional help is probably needed. 

How long was this period where you shut him down? Are we talking years?


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## SJKD

ccpowerslave said:


> This hurt him deeply.
> 
> Aside from that if he was higher desire and coming to you, he needs to understand that many women have responsive desire and not spontaneous desire (woman initiating).
> 
> If you tell him it probably won’t work. So my recommendation would be to contact a MC or sex therapist who knows this; there are many online and maybe try booking some sessions with them.
> 
> This is assuming you do actually have responsive desire, you need to know why you shut him down in the past. Do you? Check out the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. If you don’t know why you shut him down this book might help you figure it out.


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## SJKD

Thank you for the book idea. Ashamed to admit it went on for several years.

During some of that period I was suffering from depression procrastinated about seeking help. I did seek help from my doctor


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## D0nnivain

He's playing the if you loved me you could read my mind game which is wholly unfair. You really need to find a way to get him to spell out exactly what he wants. I want you to be more passionate is too vague


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## theloveofmylife

Hopefully, this isn't just another man ruined by porn -which he may have turned to after a while of you cutting him off. These men tend to expect women to have a voracious appetite (and act like a porn star). If it's true, he needs to back away from the porn.

Other than that, he's still holding resentment over the period of time when he was being rejected. Try to put yourself in his shoes. That is very painful and does great harm to a person's self esteem. To think -or know- that the person you love most in the world doesn't want you can be soul-crushing.

If you want him, you can find ways to show him how much (without trying to compete with strippers/porn stars). Maybe try a day of seduction. Instead of a peck goodbye, stick your tongue in his mouth on his way out the door. Send racy texts during the day and some that just say you miss him / love him. Look extra hot when he comes home. Make some decadent food. Touch him throughout the day and night. Gently run your fingers over his arm, leg, neck, or face. Touch his hair. Tease him. Tickle him. Flirt. Whisper in his ear. Tell him how good he looks or smells. Tell him how much you want him.



SJKD said:


> He gets angry because he explains the passion would just be there if I did truly desire him.


That's not fair. Your version of passion isn't necessarily the exact thing he is looking for. Everyone is different. If it's something specific, he needs to tell you that, like mentioned above.


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## Al_Bundy

SJKD said:


> Thank you for the book idea. Ashamed to admit it went on for several years.
> 
> During some of that period I was suffering from depression procrastinated about seeking help. I did seek help from my doctor


Sounds like you know what the core issues are, everything else is just a symptom of that. I can't speak for him obviously but I can tell you there is a point of no return for a guy. For me it was cheating and while I'm not accusing you of that, cutting him off for several years could easily be something he can't (or won't) get over.


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## theloveofmylife

Al_Bundy said:


> I can't speak for him obviously but I can tell you there is a point of no return for a guy.


There's a point of no return for women too. Hopefully, they can work things out before she reaches hers too.


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## Mr.Married

You buried him in a pit of rejection for years .... good luck with that.


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## In Absentia

Did he know about your depression? Or the extent of your depression? I know it's not easy to do much when you are depressed, but were you aware of the toll it was taking on your marriage? I know you did go to your doctor eventually, but maybe you left it a bit too long?


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## SJKD

In Absentia said:


> Did he know about your depression? Or the extent of your depression? I know it's not easy to do much when you are depressed, but were you aware of the toll it was taking on your marriage? I know you did go to your doctor eventually, but maybe you left it a bit too long?


I was in denial about how I felt. At first I was not aware of how it effected our marriage. I was trying to pretend nothing was wrong. Then when I did make some changes. My husband stated it is different but not better. 
For example I initiated more and did other thi gs for him. It was not satisfying his emotional connection with me. He said it felt like I was doing it because I said I would not because I wanted to. I can see his pain. I so wish I could turn back the clock and make different choices. I can say that we have both remained faithful. I am dedicated to fixing this.


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## Blondilocks

One can't manufacture or fake passion; but, passion means different things to different people. Perhaps, he can elaborate on what he sees as passion. Maybe his expectation at this stage of marriage is unrealistic. He's going to have to be more open in explaining what it is he is looking for. 

He can't blame you for not feeling passionate when you were suffering with depression. And, telling you now that you're not measuring up isn't helpful for you to regain those feelings of passion. The state of your marriage is not entirely your fault. He has to try, too.


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## SJKD

theloveofmylife said:


> Hopefully, this isn't just another man ruined by porn -which he may have turned to after a while of you cutting him off. These men tend to expect women to have a voracious appetite (and act like a porn star). If it's true, he needs to back away from the porn.
> 
> Other than that, he's still holding resentment over the period of time when he was being rejected. Try to put yourself in his shoes. That is very painful and does great harm to a person's self esteem. To think -or know- that the person you love most in the world doesn't want you can be soul-crushing.
> 
> If you want him, you can find ways to show him how much (without trying to compete with strippers/porn stars). Maybe try a day of seduction. Instead of a peck goodbye, stick your tongue in his mouth on his way out the door. Send racy texts during the day and some that just say you miss him / love him. Look extra hot when he comes home. Make some decadent food. Touch him throughout the day and night. Gently run your fingers over his arm, leg, neck, or face. Touch his hair. Tease him. Tickle him. Flirt. Whisper in his ear. Tell him how good he looks or smells. Tell him how much you want him.
> 
> 
> 
> That's not fair. Your version of passion isn't necessarily the exact thing he is looking for. Everyone is different. If it's something specific, he needs to tell you that, like mentioned above.


I am planning a date night for him. Looking forward to putting a smile on his face


Blondilocks said:


> One can't manufacture or fake passion; but, passion means different things to different people. Perhaps, he can elaborate on what he sees as passion. Maybe his expectation at this stage of marriage is unrealistic. He's going to have to be more open in explaining what it is he is looking for.
> 
> He can't blame you for not feeling passionate when you were suffering with depression. And, telling you now that you're not measuring up isn't helpful for you to regain those feelings of passion. The state of your marriage is not entirely your fault. He has to try, too.


He is very frustrated and hurt because he had tried for so long. There have been so many arguments. I do want to show him this marriage and his happiness are my priority. Feeling as if I can accomplish this we will have a much stronger relationship


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