# and she's going to leave him ?



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

https://www.yahoo.com/news/m/31931c...df89009/ss_dear-abby:-husband-won't-stop.html


Not saying he should go on like this but I don't know how she becomes the victim in this case


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Poor muffin. How horrible it must be for having your character demeaned just for... having a lack of character. I sure hope her husband can get some counseling so that he can learn to shape up and pay her some meaningless compliments about her morality.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

dear abby is an ass


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

This is why my advice is always divorce and than reconcile if you want; with the guilty spouse seeking the reconciliation. What does it say about this cat who thinks his WW is a hoe and still wants to be married to her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Guys, she's not wrong.

Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.

Personally I'd have advised the BH to kick his WW/FWW to the curb and file, but if he's not gonna do that, he needs reconcile properly.

If you're honest w/ yourselves you'll see that what you're upset about is a power dynamic that's been turned on its head.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't see the start of a successful reconciliation, the thing I can't understand is why they were still having sex while he's like this and after the knew about the affair. She's really getting what she deserves, her husband should have filed already and not given her the choice of whether she wants to be a single mother or not.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Guys, she's not wrong.
> 
> Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.
> 
> ...




agreed !!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The both of them are complete idiots getting her pregnant again. That's about the LAST thing they need.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> https://www.yahoo.com/news/m/31931c...df89009/ss_dear-abby:-husband-won't-stop.html
> 
> 
> Not saying he should go on like this but I don't know how she becomes the victim in this case


*In my book, there ain't a snowball's chance in hell for this cheating skank to even remotely come close to becoming the "victim!"

Let's look at the scenario: she covertly cheats and undermines their marriage vows, quite possibly is carrying the OM's child, is let back into the house, and she is complaining about taking an habitual ribbing about her sordid activities by an overly hurt marriage partner ~ talk about "having your cake and eating it too!" 

I would think that the only reason that he really needs his a$$ kicked for was to let her back into the house like a pit viper, and then having to endure all of that placating dribble from her about curing this all with simply a MC!

That's much akin to placing a band-aid on to a gaping, gushing femoral gash to forestall the bleeding!

With that flippant "advice," Abigail Van Buren just took a vaunted nosedive into the proverbial crapper! Maybe she had better come over here to TAM and audit a little bit of the dispensed advice doled out here! 

Maybe she'd learn a thing or two!*


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Guys, she's not wrong.
> 
> Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.
> 
> ...


I agree. Deciding to reconcile and staying married aren't the same thing. As described, the husband has become emotionally abusive. He's not "giving consequences" or "holding his WS accountable", he's punishing her. And I get it. I really do. But behaving as he is described isn't going to help heal the marriage and it isn't ending it , either. It just keeps them both in a miserable limbo, not moving forward together or apart. Abby is right. The wife needs to either get them both into counseling so that they can begin to actually reconcile or they need to accept that the marriage was too badly damaged to be repaired and divorce.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *In my book, there ain't a snowball's chance in hell for this cheating skank to even remotely come close to becoming the "victim!"
> 
> Let's look at the scenario: she covertly cheats and undermines their marriage vows, quite possibly is carrying the OM's child, is let back into the house, and she is complaining about taking an habitual ribbing about her sordid activities by an overly hurt marriage partner ~ talk about "having your cake and eating it too!"
> 
> ...


Again, I agree, Arb


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

Lol

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## Jody Underwood-Welch 2 (Jan 15, 2017)

For starters, Dear Abby to fix your marriage...lol

This is a 50/50 thought/opinion. 

Her Side: Regardless what is done, is done. She can't take it back or hit the rewind button. But to be belittled, or talked down to for months, ohhhh Nooo. Yes, she hurt him and destroyed him emotionally. But why should she constantly fault herself. Yes, she is to blame and has to take the consequences for her infidelity. either it is fixable or broken, to repair a marriage takes TWO, but to taking whatever punishment he throws or threatens her months after the fact, NO WAY. She had a affair and yes she deserves to be questioned, but not punished day after day. If she had a affair, then either seek a solution or dissolution. The world isn't perfect, 99% of mistakes or problems are correctable. Yes, she screwed up, not to be punished like a dog. Especially if he is doing it in front of the children or getting off on making her feel worthless. She needs to suck it up, stop the pity pool, stop playing the victim, like i said marriage takes TWO, whether it be to correct the situation and discuss it and talk about it like two married adults or act like two middle school kids playing the " I did this and he did that card." If you can't talk and work as a team then DIVORCE.

His Side: Catching the wife's affair has changed the way he looks, feels, and touches her any longer. She lied, hid, broke the bond, she gave what was intimate in their marriage and gave it to another with NO remorse until she got caught. The Affair has emotionally and physically destroyed him as a man, husband, best friend. The damage of a affair to the innocent spouse does not repair itself over night, it might be months or years, but to constantly throw it up and bash her is so CHILDISH, he needs to grow up, think about pro's and con's of the situation. Either seek to save the marriage or seek to let it go. But it takes TWO....If he loved her, he would not keep her down, or punish her like a dog. He would seek to fix and correct his wife and marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Reconciliation in most cases is a mistake the power dynamic is too broken. Divorce and then possible remarriage is probably a better road if you just have to be with the person who stabbed you in the back.

What is he thinking, he is married to a jerk (to be nice), and jerks are going to do what they do. And what she does is run away when it's hard even if it is the consequences of her own actions. At this point it's his fault for taking her back. She is not marriage material.

Most WS don't have the character it takes to be in a relationship with anyone. They really are only capable of shallow relationships and flings.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This begs the question of what is acceptable behavior for a betrayed spouse.

What is acceptable for a wayward is often discussed, but not so much for betrayed.

I don't think becoming abusive is acceptable. Some lashing out? Sure. But if you can't stay married without being abusive it's time to leave the marriage.

Let's flip this for a minute and assume we have an unfaithful husband. How many times can his wife call him a worthless piece of **** before it becomes abusive? Maybe a few times as she processes things, but if that continues we'd all be telling him that abuse isn't ok..... and rightly so.

Knowing myself as I do I don't think I could stay married to my hb without becoming abusive if he cheated. I don't think I'd call him names or lash out, but I'd give him the silent treatment and basically cut him off, which is also abusive. I'd probably just have to leave.

We had a poster like this some time ago.....Gus knows who I'm talking about. If I remember correctly she'd kissed a couple of guys and her husband became horribly abusive after that. She even had another child with the hb, just like this one, while he continued to abuse her. Terrible situation for the kids.

And yes, she was a victim as was he. Abuse is not ok. Ever.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Guys, she's not wrong.
> 
> Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.
> 
> ...


Wow....

Gustave has more depth, then oft "dump her" conjures.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> *We had a poster like this some time ago.....Gus knows who I'm talking about.* If I remember correctly she'd kissed a couple of guys and her husband became horribly abusive after that. She even had another child with the hb, just like this one, while he continued to abuse her. Terrible situation for the kids.
> 
> And yes, she was a victim as was he. Abuse is not ok. Ever.


Yep. In fact in thought of her when I read this. (She had a "2NS" with one guy and kissed another, BTW.)

Last I heard she was divorced/divorcing and was doing much better.

As big an ass as he was, though, I do feel bad for her ex. He put two wives through college and they both cheated on him. The first one left him as soon as she had her degree in hand. Definitely left him with some pretty deep scars. He probably should've been in counseling for several years before entertaining another relationship, let alone a second marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't understand the need to berate your WW in front of anyone else for her cheating. To me, it reflects more on the BH's judgement and begs the question "If you feel that way, why in the hell did you take her back". The BH is actually humiliating himself in the process. It's a lose lose lose proposition for BS, BW, and the R. 

In regards to his direct verbal abuse to her; some, initially, is understandable. But a some point it has to stop; when expected consequences turns into punishment. 

I thought the advice was spot on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Wow....
> 
> Gustave has more depth, then oft "dump her" conjures.


My take is very simple...

Do you want to reconcile? If not, divorce; if so, _do it *properly*_.

For those on the fence I'll almost always advise divorce, and doubly so when the WS (or even the BS) obviously doesn't have what it takes for a proper reconciliation.

Triply so where paternity fraud is involved.

Personally, though, it's much simpler for me...

PA?

Divorce.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Yep. In fact in thought of her when I read this. (She had a "2NS" with one guy and kissed another, BTW.)
> 
> Last I heard she was divorced/divorcing and was doing much better.
> 
> As big an ass as he was, though, I do feel bad for her ex. He put two wives through college and they both cheated on him. The first one left him as soon as she had her degree in hand. Definitely left him with some pretty deep scars. He probably should've been in counseling for several years before entertaining another relationship, let alone a second marriage.


You're right, I forgot about the ons. For sure he was a victim..... he just wasn't able to handle it. He's one that should have left and maybe taken some time to evaluate his own choices, even if it came down to his picker.

I don't think he exactly put her through school..... she worked and had to pay for everything herself. He kept his money and she had to pay for herself, and I also think she was paying for kid expenses. They didn't really have a marriage.


I got the feeling he really didn't want to heal.....he had always been basically nasty and abusive (long before her cheating), her affairs just gave him a reason to ramp up the abuse. He enjoyed abusing and he was also a drunk.

I'm glad she got out.....hopefully she'll heal and maybe he'll get help before he drinks himself to death.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Gus is 100 percent correct. If you choose to R and forgive, then you need to be all in. I'm not saying you should FORGET what happened, but constantly hurting your spouse after you choose to R is not a healthy way to approach it. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Amen @GusPolinski, preach it brother.

You are so right Gus. If somebody is going to put the time and effort into a reconcilliation and suffer the pain that comes with that then why set it up for failure from the start by becoming the horrible abusive spouse that doesn't deserve to have a partner.

Whatever horrible deed the partner has done is on them it doesn't mean that you now have the license to be a horrible human being.

If you decide to R than give R a proper chance by putting the effort into fixing the marriage not damaging it more.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Fully agree with Gus. You’re either all in or you should be out. 

The first year was awful. He threw it in my face at every chance he got. I understand his pain – not just empathy – he turned around and did it to me as well so I felt it first hand. I took it. I felt I deserved it. He would say horrible things to me and I never said anything. Of course, I would cry, sob, sometimes downright wail because it hurt, but I took it. He never called me names, but it was very clear how disgusted he was, how much I’d hurt him. After about 9 months of this I told him I felt like I was being punished daily. I felt I deserved punishment for what I did, but it was to the point I felt like I was being punished for HIS choice to stay. I feel that punishment was solidified when he took the next step with the affair of his own. I feel hypocritical to say that an RA (and if you know my story you know it may not have been an RA, rather an escalation of a 10 year EA) hurts, but they DO hurt. Badly. Upon discovery of that, I kicked him out. Of course, that was after the 3rd time of discovery of certain things. I think I gave him enough of a chance to be fully committed to R or not by that time. 

This time around, it’s much different. While he is definitely NOT doing the real hard work, this time around I think he’s trying as hard as HE knows how. I’m trying as hard as I can. I do feel like I’m giving more, but I feel like he is giving the most that he can. We’re both broken by this. Honestly, I think I’m more broken than he is mentally but obviously that’s not something that can be quantified. But I think we’ve both learned that you can’t stay together if you’re going to punish at every turn. Talk about it constantly. Relive it non-stop. Let the anger and pain of it take over every part of your marriage. 

In short, it’s a crappy thing to do and a crappy thing to have it done to you. But you either need to learn to move forward in forgiveness with your spouse or get out. Punishment has no place in R.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I read it as he isn't ready for R yet, he hasn't healed enough. Agree he should not be abusive, but I think the abuse is a sign that he isn't ready for R yet.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Guys, she's not wrong.
> 
> Look, if they're going to reconcile, they need to do it properly, especially w/ a young child and another on the way.
> 
> ...


I agree, He's so offended by her character he didn't wrap it up and now they're bringing another child into this mess.

He should have left, I'm sure he's the type of cat to bad mouth his wife because he's frustrated he never stepped to the OM so he'll eternally feel inadequate.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Let's flip this for a minute and assume we have an unfaithful husband. How many times can his wife call him a worthless piece of **** before it becomes abusive?


When it comes to a committed relation he is a worthless piece of ****. Being honest isn't abuse in my mind. What has this women done to change, for how long? If you are BS just be smart about it and don't yell when you say it, but if it feels good, say it. The truth is like sunshine on the mold of the poor character of the WS. This is the thing R, you have to basically deny the truth to do it. You've got to turn off your logical mind to allow yourself to forget the kind of person you have chosen to spend your life with. And if that isn't demeaning enough you have to protect their "poow wittle feeeelings". It's such a bad deal, if it was a sales deal there would be laws against it like predatory lending.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

badmemory said:


> begs the question "If you feel that way, why in the hell did you take her back". The BH is actually humiliating himself in the process.


 They take them back because they want to try to see if they can have their old marriage back. What they are frustrated to learn is that the old marriage is dead, and they must build a new one.



badmemory said:


> In regards to his direct verbal abuse to her; some, initially, is understandable. But a some point it has to stop


 Many betrayed spouse can never learn to deal with the betrayal of an affair; for those that can learn, it is common for it to take 3 to 5 years. Thus the OP's spouse being only a year away from the affair may not have reached the at "some point" that you are talking about. 

I think Abby got it backwards when she said in effect that if he was not willing to rug sweep and quickly forgive her affair, he should not have stayed in the marriage. I look at it the other way around and say that if the cheater wanted to quickly rug sweep and was not willing to do the heavy lifting, which includes letting her spouse vent from time to time for a few years, then she should not have pursued reconciliation.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TRy said:


> They take them back because they want to try to see if they can have their old marriage back. What they are frustrated to learn is that the old marriage is dead, and they must build a new one.


With someone who stabbed them in the heart and debased themselves. If they were to meet such a person from from scratch do you think they would want to marry them?

Lets be honest though doesn't staying in the relationship require a little bit of rug sweeping? How else could you do it?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Reconciliation in most cases is a mistake the power dynamic is too broken. Divorce and then possible remarriage is probably a better road if you just have to be with the person who stabbed you in the back.
> 
> What is he thinking, he is married to a jerk (to be nice), and jerks are going to do what they do. And what she does is run away when it's hard even if it is the consequences of her own actions. At this point it's his fault for taking her back. She is not marriage material.
> 
> *Most WS don't have the character it takes to be in a relationship with anyone. They really are only capable of shallow relationships and flings.*


*And as my first corobberating witness, I'd like to call my RSXW to testify to that sad but unfortunate fact!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Likely he continued to be angry and resentful because he couldn't heal properly. Whether that's because she was not terribly remorseful, trickled the heck out of him, minimized, etc. Or, he could have heard nothing but truth but preferred to put his head in the sand, refuse healing, and just build rage instead. 

Problem is we don't know enough detail. But IME angry men unable to let go have not yet fully processed through their emotions, most likely because they don't want to, aren't "allowed" to, or don't know how or where to begin. 

So while I agree that he needed to start to let go of his anger with her, if he was going to give R a chance, I also think it's not that cut and dry. I think that a certain series of events would have allowed him to reach a stage of acceptance, and that for whatever reason, it didn't happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It depends on several factors.

Was the apology genuine and heartfelt?

Or "Sorry, dear! You ARE over your hurt now, right?"

Other factors might be in play here. For example is she still working with OM, following him or associates on social media, etc?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm not exactly defending the covert sliminess of the WS, nor the often unjustified hurting vengeance of the BS; all that I am saying is simply that if the marriage is anywhere close to "heading south," then do yourself the honor of leaving it well before you facilitate dropping your drawers off in some other man's or woman's cloistered domain! *


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The both of them are complete idiots getting her pregnant again. That's about the LAST thing they need.


Bbbbbbut won't a baby bring us back together?

>


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Feel bad for the kids.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Satya said:


> Likely he continued to be angry and resentful because he couldn't heal properly. Whether that's because she was not terribly remorseful, trickled the heck out of him, minimized, etc. Or, he could have heard nothing but truth but preferred to put his head in the sand, refuse healing, and just build rage instead.
> 
> Problem is we don't know enough detail. But IME angry men unable to let go have not yet fully processed through their emotions, most likely because they don't want to, aren't "allowed" to, or don't know how or where to begin.
> 
> So while I agree that he needed to start to let go of his anger with her, if he was going to give R a chance, I also think it's not that cut and dry. I think that a certain series of events would have allowed him to reach a stage of acceptance, and that for whatever reason, it didn't happen.


There’s a good point in there. Acceptance that it happened. At the very core of your being, you want to fight to believe that it just didn’t happen. If I think about my husband going to her house, the overwhelming feelings are TOO MUCH. I have to literally tell myself not to think about it. Get my mind on something else. Find distractions. All that comes flooding in at the same time are “why?” “how could he?” “it’s my fault” “what did they do?” “do I even KNOW him?” and some other very awful, unpleasant things. And good god it hurts. BUT, once I slow down and redirect, it becomes easier to accept that he’s human, accept that he screwed up, accept that he doesn’t deserve to be on the pedestal that I had him on, accept that there’s not one thing that I can do to change it. IT HAPPENED. No amount of worrying, stressing, analyzing thinking or crying will change the fact that it happened. It happened and we both made the decision to try to move forward. Sometimes it’s awful. Sometimes I’m thankful. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. But at the heart of it all – all of it HAPPENED and it ain’t going away. I have to try to make peace with that.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

some can forgive and some can't.

and you won't know until your in that position. and you might think you can even want too with all your heart but inside you can't when you come to that realization then its time to pull the plug.

as your going through all this there might be some anger that comes out well I say if the cheater wants to be truly with you then they would be remorseful and eat a fair bit of **** trying to do all they can to rebuild the trust. But even they have a breaking point where they might say ok enough is enough.

remember tears?

thats how one should act after ripping your husbands heart out.


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