# So Confused



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Took a big step and mailed off the final divorce papers today. Informed STBXH yesterday that this was what I was going to do. 

The OW actually texted me tonight asking if I had gone through with it, and if I hadn't, not to. She wants the two of us back together. She wrote he was "very emotional". They apparently were having a talk. Then he texts me that he's going to love me forever no matter what I decide to do. ???? Very strange.

I thought I was going to be okay with all this, but now I am confused and need some support. I feel mixed up and sick. No sleep tonight.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

It IS strange.

I skimmed your back posts, there's a cycle there.

If you relent, he'll disappear on you again.

I guarantee it.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

Don't know your whole story but I do have one question that popped right out for me. Why does the OW have your number???

My experience would say that she wants you guys to get back together because she's uncomfortable with the "home wrecker" title.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

Do not listen to a word from posOW.

Only watch what he does.

If you want him, the first thing he must do is jettison posOW.

Forever.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

The divorce is the end of the marriage that I think we can all agree is just dead. If he really wants you back he has to start completely over.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

What a shock that was last night! Although, I do see the pattern here (should have anticipated it) and I am determined to take everything said with a _bucket_ of salt. I can't help my curiosity, though. He has asked to speak with me today. 

To answer your question, Daisy82, she texted me using his phone. She started the text with "This is (posOW)". She's held that home-wrecker title for a full year now. And, frankly, that will never change. A turnip is a turnip. I'm sure there is major guilt there, but it never stopped her before.

I'm more concerned with what is going on with him. Is she booting him and (since he can't be alone) he's now looking to me? Or did they both come to realize that this relationship was doomed from the start and that he has made a major mistake? What ever it is, I am going through with the divorce. If he's serious about winning me back, he's got a lot of convincing to do. Even then, there has been so much damage done I'm not sure it will ever work out. 

Mule kick, you're right. The marriage we had is dead. Yet, even with all my resolve, I still have lingering feelings. I couldn't help but feel elated by his renewed attention. But is it genuine? There is fear there, but I am going to protect myself first and foremost and see how this plays out. What ever happens, I am going to begin with loving me.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

For those interested, here's the scoop (or the big deflate as it was nothing what I expected):

We meet and he tells me that he's sorry about posOW's text last night. Apparently, her husband wants her back (yes, she's separated, too, and just finished the one year waiting period in August required by this state). And according to him, she actually may consider it because she feels some obligation (due to upbringing and her religion). However, she's not sure she wants to remain married and still cares for my STBXH. Therefore, the emotionally charged evening when she felt she needed to include me in the drama.

He's distraught because he's still into her. And, he feels his world is falling apart (broke with very little work available- not even enough gas for his car). He feels like his life is spiraling out of control. He admitted that he created this mess he's in, it's all his fault (uh, yeah, it's called consequences). He also made sure to tell me that he still has strong feelings for me. That he's always going to love me. D*mn him, why does he have to say things like that? 

So, this is what he wanted to see me for? To explain the strange texts last night? To give me his sob story? Or is there something I'm missing? All too strange.

I am proud of myself for the way I handled it, but I can't say that it doesn't hurt. I can still feel the sting. All that sweet talk and he's still hung up on her and selfish enough to call me for comfort. I mean, his last text to me late last night was:

_It's definitely the always kind of love. No matter what you decide to do. I'm gonna love you forever. You're worth every moment. You're a good woman._

How would you interpret that? Especially after receiving a request (even if it was made by posOW) not to finalize the divorce? So, yes, he did it again. Even with walking in thinking _I got this!_, I still let him get under my skin. I told him that I did mail off the final papers, as I said I would. He had the courtesy to look a little wounded, but made no overtures towards wanting me back. Before I left, he held my hand and looked at me with tear-filled eyes for quite a while. Despite being cautious with anything he says, I am still left so confused.

He's said before how he feels caught in two different worlds- he's conflicted. Sometimes he wants to be with me, sometimes with her. There are apparently qualities about both of us that he admires. Yet, it is apparent that he wishes to be with her more. When I informed him the other day that I was finalizing the divorce, I made it clear that I could not continue being legally married to him as long as he chose to be with posOW. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of a reconciliation so long as she was a part of his life. I wanted his whole heart, not just a part. I guess I thought that might have had something to do with the drama last night, but it was never about me. It hasn't been for a long time.

So, perhaps my pride is hurt some. He still doesn't want me back (or at least not while there is still a chance with posOW). I am only valuable to him as a shoulder to cry on. And perhaps all this sweet talk is just to keep me warm in case he needs a back-up? I don't want to believe that, but what can I believe? 

Why can't I walk away? Why do I continue to stay in this train wreck? We are done. He can do nothing but hurt me now, yet I can't break away. There is a part of me that won't let him go... how will I find the strength to do it? Soon, we'll be legally divorced. But how do I divorce him from my heart? I keep thinking, if he would just make some effort and show me that I am still important to him, not just sweet words spoken as he returns to her bed... Over and over, I have been advised to go dark, No Contact, remove him like a cancer from my life. I see the wisdom in this good advice, but it is difficult to follow. 

I am learning to love myself more and more everyday, a little at a time. But, taking care of and loving myself is new and I am afraid. I feel like a newborn foal wobbling on weak legs that frequently gets knocked down in the mud. I keep getting back up, but become exhausted by the effort.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

I have 3 children with my ex ( just got the papers signed by the court today!). We spent 12 years together. I loved and took care of her and all her problems without regret. That she can put someone else in front of me now is painful but I recognize more and more everyday what a fool she is for leaving me. No one can really replace me. I am in such a better place now. I hope you find your real worth soon.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

You are too good for him.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Bronte....

I suffered so much pain from my stbxh. It pains me to see this manipulation by your stbx. Try and do what you can to see his abuse. That is exactly what it is....abuse. Someone told me my husband wasn't acting in a way that a loving husband should. If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you, none of OW would have existed and he would be with you. I did not begin to heal until i began to accept this. I am so sorry you are going through this. You know, you are worth so much more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

mule kick said:


> I have 3 children with my ex ( just got the papers signed by the court today!). We spent 12 years together. I loved and took care of her and all her problems without regret. That she can put someone else in front of me now is painful but I recognize more and more everyday what a fool she is for leaving me. No one can really replace me. I am in such a better place now. I hope you find your real worth soon.


I am getting to that better place too....slowly, but surely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

If she wasn't going to go back to her H, would he be wanting back with you?


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I believe that it is a matter of finding my own real self worth. Something that I have been struggling with for a long time, especially now with the impending divorce. But I'm making the effort everyday. 

Setting healthy boundaries and seeing his manipulations for what they are has been difficult (I'm so blind to it!). With the people in my life, I have always been all too eager to make excuses and forgive their bad behavior and poor treatment of me. All in the name of love and compassion. And if I'm honest, also out of fear. Yet, I will punish myself for the smallest things. 

He has _not_ been a loving husband and even though he denies it, I am sure that this sudden attention from him has everything to do with posOW's attempts to work things out with her husband (even if he doesn't see it himself). It leaves him homeless (with little income) and no one to take care of him. He has admitted before that he can't be alone. No one likes to be alone, but sometimes that's necessary. I did it. I'm _doing_ it and it's not easy. He wants easy. 

Thank you so much for all of your support! It helps give me the courage I need to face another day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

Yet, he wants to be with you WHEN she wants to walk away.

Definitely Plan B.

Not good enough.

Let him crash and burn.

He may have a re-think.

Agreeing to take him back now is emotional suicide for you.




BronteVillette said:


> For those interested, here's the scoop (or the big deflate as it was nothing what I expected):
> 
> We meet and he tells me that he's sorry about posOW's text last night. Apparently, her husband wants her back (yes, she's separated, too, and just finished the one year waiting period in August required by this state). And according to him, she actually may consider it because she feels some obligation (due to upbringing and her religion). However, she's not sure she wants to remain married and still cares for my STBXH. Therefore, the emotionally charged evening when she felt she needed to include me in the drama.
> 
> ...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

BronteVillette said:


> I believe that it is a matter of finding my own real self worth. Something that I have been struggling with for a long time, especially now with the impending divorce. But I'm making the effort everyday.
> 
> Setting healthy boundaries and seeing his manipulations for what they are has been difficult (I'm so blind to it!). With the people in my life, I have always been all too eager to make excuses and forgive their bad behavior and poor treatment of me. All in the name of love and compassion. And if I'm honest, also out of fear. Yet, I will punish myself for the smallest things.
> 
> ...


 
Your thread reads so true of the way i coped with my own problems with him for so long. 

Conrad says up above that it would be emotional suicide for you to go back with him. I think it could be even more than that. I'm not sure if you ever read any of my threads...Broken, Tactic? and more recently my Co-dependency thread. The reason I ask is I have gone through so much emotional pain that at times I swear it felt so physical from my gut being pulled out and my body dragged through the dirty streets. I was nearing suicide to the point I researched it so I would be successful and planned out when I would do it. It was awful and now I think what I could have done to my little boy. It wasn't until I was literally assulted by his POSOW that I started to wake up and still yet seemed somewhat dazed. I then really started reading into the advice from really good hearted decent people on this board that I have begun snapping out of it. I have changed so much for myself in the past 4 weeks and yes, I have my mild up and downs but I AM actually finding happiness. The reason I asked if you read my thread is that there is some really really great advice on it. Don't just read it, but actually listen to what they are saying and try acting on the advice they are giving you. 

I am finally realizing I am a special person and I am worth so much more than this crap he threw my way for so long. Believe me....this change in me is coming after 22 years of living with emotional abuse and playing the good wife for so long. I too lost so much of myself that I have no idea who I am or what I like...what I enjoy. You get the picture. 

Be strong for yourself and do what your heart tells you not what he is manipulating you into doing. You deserve so much more. You will find someone who loves you and cares for you and would not treat you this way. He has nothing really to offer you, does he? You won't find that terrific someone though until you let this all go with him.

Please try and read some of my threads. I think the advice will help you greatly. If they can get through my thick skull then I am sure they can help you.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

BronteVillette said:


> The OW actually texted me tonight asking if I had gone through with it, and if I hadn't, not to.
> 
> Very strange.


Yes its strange that you allow the other woman to dictate your actions (or at the very least, you listen to what she has to say in the first place).


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

I have no plans of taking him back right now. If ever. It's still so painful (insult on top of insult). If he had left posOW on his own, I might have had a little more faith in his intentions. As it stands, I don't trust him. 

I recognize that I am vulnerable and still struggling with letting go of the man whom I loved so much with all that I had for fifteen years. I'm getting stronger, yet there is a part of me that just won't sever that tie. Again, is it fear that holds me back? Sometimes, I feel as if I haven't quite left the denial stage. 

I'm in no way ready to date as I feel I need to work on me first; heal and discover who I am. But, I am starting to consider that there may be someone else out there who will treat me right (and I do deserve a loving, healthy relationship). This is a huge revelation for me as for a while there I didn't believe I was lovable. I thought that if this person whom I had put high up on a pedestal would reject me, what could anyone else possibly find of value in me? 

He's been calling and texting me a lot lately. Asking me how I'm doing and saying kind things. I get the impression that he is looking for forgiveness. He says he constantly thinks of the mess he's made and that he feels extreme guilt and shame. He's never specific, though. He hasn't actually asked for anything, just passively brings it up. For the sake of my dignity, I have to fight not to swoop in and play the co-dependant caregiver role I am so accustomed to with him. Conrad, how do I allow him to "crash and burn"? I've always been a saver... I save people, that's what I _do_. Even if they have caused me great harm (ie alcoholic father). Trying to change that. 

Sharkeey, as for posOW... she doesn't dictate my actions. Her opinion does not matter. The only power she still has over me is that I hate that she exists. Which is too much already. Wish I could let that go for my sake. This is where a great deal of my anger is focused. 

Sadwithouthim, thank you for your kind words and inspiring story. I have read some of your threads before and at your invitation, went back and read the rest. Although we have no children together nor was I assaulted by the posOW (my god, what a horrible experience for you- so glad you are okay!), but I can relate on so many levels with your emotional journey. I will continue to read and reread all the good advice there. I need to drill it into my head. 

What would I do without TAM? I still have my moments, but more and more I catch myself singing and smiling. Not the same woman you would have seen a year ago today.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

When I say let him "crash and burn", I mean do not give in to that voice inside that says "it's better than nothing" or any sort of sympathy you feel for him.

If you were to take him back anywhere near the date that posOW and he part ways? That's doormat behavior.

Once again, he won't be on his own.

He really wouldn't even have had a chance to "really" miss you.

He needs to face these demons. He needs to confront "being alone" and what it really means - and to take responsibility for the actions that put him there.

Once he does something like that... and it would be very difficult to miss something like that... R becomes a consideration.

But then... only if that's what YOU want.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BTW - the ridiculous text posOW sent to you about not going through with the divorce was her guilt talking.

BUT.. she doesn't feel guilty for hurting you.

She's feeling guilty about dumping HIM.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Nobody can hurt me without my permission. Gahndi

Make it your mantra.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Bronte,

Hope you are feeling better. How are things?


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

Reading through so many posts on here makes my question why we (am I wrong to think mostly women sometimes men) lose ourselves in our marriage and our families? 

For me, all I've ever wanted was a husband and children. Even back in high school, yes I had ideas of being a teacher or a nurse but I actually said as long as I have a husband and children-a family, I don't care if I accomplish anything else.

So that's what I did. I got married, went to nursing school, found out I was pregnant and dropped out. I've been a stay at home mom for the past 6 yrs. I set myself up to be dependant on H to make me happy as well as finacially. 

It's what I do, it's what I'm good at...I take care of people. Always have. But I never took care of myself. It's not easy for me to do. For me, putting myself first is very hard to do and seems selfish.

Even now, in the conversations with STBXH, it's hard for me not to rescue him. When he tells me how hard it is for him to live at his mom's house and how he's so broke and by asking for what the court sets for CS that I'm not allowing him to have a life. It's very easy for me to get sucked into that. But then I have to catch myself and make myself be strong.

Somehow I have to find my selfworth, what my purpose is. For so long my anwer would be...to be a mom or a wife. I don't know what else I'm good at. 

Sorry for highjacking your thread...


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