# How to tell you don't love someone anymore?



## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

Background: I had an affair. Go ahead and throw your stones if you must. We reconciled and have been going to marriage counseling. The issue I'm discussing isn't related to the effects of the affair, but more my emotional state. There is no other woman in the picture today. Although I was in a fog for quite a while, I'm happy to report that my thoughts no longer dwell on it.

My wife is a great person, a wonderful wife and mother, but I'm missing something emotionally. I love her like family and not so much like a lover. We have an active and satisfying sex life but I don't crave her. Once upon a time it would have felt perfectly natural to tell her how madly in love with her I am. Today, I would never say that, and if I did it would feel like I'm just saying a line. We say "I love you" every day, but it doesn't have the same emotional charge it once had. I don't find myself drawn to other women, but I don't find myself drawn to her either. The desire to do the little selfless affectionate things just isn't there like it used to be.

I know she loves me as much as ever... so what's wrong with me? I feel like I'm staying out of duty or obligation. I made a commitment and I need to keep it. I don't want to leave the kids. I don't want the financial impact of a divorce. What I don't have is this feeling that "I can't leave her because I love her so much". We're both in our early 30s, and we're both still quite attractive... but I feel like I've lost my connection to her.

I haven't brought this up with our counselor yet. Is this normal coming back from affair? (we were separated living apart for about 6 mos) Am I just not in love with her anymore and I should let her go regardless of all the other things?


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The only way you should stay is if you can fake until the kids are raised and you have to stay faithful. It sounds like you are still making excuses in your head as to why you had an affair in the first place.

There is no better place for you to bring up this issue than in counciling. You are there to put your marriage on the right track, if you can.


----------



## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

No excuses in my head. I'm actually not thinking about the affair at all. I'm thinking more about the future and what's fair to her.

I wouldn't want someone to stay with me if they didn't love me... and lately, I've been seriously questioning whether I'm really in love with my wife or not. If I had just met her and felt this way, I wouldn't even have asked her out.

I feel like saying this in counseling could do more harm than good if this is just a sort of normal post-affair detachment sort of thing that goes away and I just don't have my head right. I just recognize that I'm not feeling very affectionate for her. I don't have this "thank goodness she didn't leave me" feeling that I've read about.


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

Hi

I was curious as to how long your "A" went on?

Sounds like you are no longer attracted to your wife? There was a thread on this subject.

Good luck!


----------



## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

Omegaa said:


> Hi
> 
> I was curious as to how long your "A" went on?
> 
> ...


About 5 months or so.

My wife is still a beautiful woman by anyone's standards, so I'm still physically attracted... but there's like some other element of attraction I'm missing.

Something just isn't right. If it weren't a marriage, if there were no kids... if it were just us dating, this would be a relationship I'd have thought wasn't going anywhere and I'd break up with her.

Does anyone have experience with this sort of feeling? Did you get divorced or reconcile?


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

FBL - Have you tried any book like love languages? What does she not do that gives you that spark? If you can't pinpoint it. You aren't helping her or yourself. 

You need to bring this up in your next session if possible. She doesn't deserve your indifference. At the same time. Recognize, that love is a choice. That if she is dedicated to making you happy, and you are dedicated to making her happy then it can fix itself. 

You didn't say one important thing. Have you always felt this way? Surely at some point in your life you felt differently about her. Well, what changed? Did she gain weight? Did you gain weight? Did kids make her treat you different? Do you lack date nights? Does she no longer give you gifts? 

Find out what you did back when you were happy, pull those elements out, and stick to it.


----------



## Revenwyn (Apr 12, 2012)

It sounds to me like you are considering love as being an emotional feeling more than a decision or action. 

Facts are, when we "fall in love" our body goes through a lot of hormonal changes. These subside after about two years or so, and if emotional feeling is all you have then you will likely not feel happy after some time. 

Marriage is a commitment to the other spouse. While I do think there are times to break up a marriage (chronic adultery, abuse, major mental illness) leaving a spouse because you are no longer happy is shallow. 

You say you are still physically attracted to her? That's more than many women have. It sounds like you two need a vacation, time to be alone, to get to know one another again. Find someone to leave the kids with for a week or at least a weekend. Do the things you used to do together, or if you are no longer interested in the same kinds of activities, do the things you are interested in now. If you have nothing in common, compromise. Do her activity, then she does yours. Find something to do together, and do it frequently.


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

FeedbackLoop said:


> About 5 months or so.
> 
> My wife is still a beautiful woman by anyone's standards, so I'm still physically attracted... *but there's like some other element of attraction I'm missing.*
> 
> ...


Hi FeedbackLoop

Were you in love with your Wife when you first met her? 

Believe me, many of us have the kind of emotion in our marriage after a few years. If you were in love with your wife before and provided that your Wife still loves you so much, then there are ways to get back to the way you used to be.

Hope your MC goes well.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Love and infatuation tends to wax and wane with time. Not being 'in love' is absolutely no excuse to leave a marriage. 
Stay.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

FeedbackLoop said:


> No excuses in my head. I'm actually not thinking about the affair at all. I'm thinking more about the future and what's fair to her.
> 
> *But without you affair would you be thinking this?*
> 
> ...


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

FeedbackLoop said:


> About 5 months or so.
> 
> My wife is still a beautiful woman by anyone's standards, so I'm still physically attracted... but there's like some other element of attraction I'm missing.
> 
> ...


I think a lot of people go through the feelings of no attraction and not loving many times through out a marriage. It is what you do when the issues arise that make a difference in where your marriage goes during and afterwards.


----------



## alphabravo (Feb 4, 2013)

Yeah the affair just caused your brain to OD on all the feel good chemicals. Any affair can do that, as it normally takes 2 yrs for all that to calm down.

We bond sexually in the first two years and then that goes away. From there its a decision to love.

Th spark you are missing is the Oxycotton stuff. Duh, that's why cheating sucks because its all brain candy and you'll never get that again ( consistently ) inside a deep marriage. If you never cheated, you wouldn't know or remember what it felt like to be sexually attracted.

The good news: Any chick you find will bore you in the bedroom after 2 years. So why jump ship just to repeat the process? 

The other good news is that you are the problem. You are not mature enough to fall deeply in love and just swim in that marriage. This is why the 2+ mark is such a drag. Being that you haven't yet tossed in the towel, you need to work hard and fast about OTHER ways you can create those chemicals so you aren't just dependent on new sex to do it for you.

Hobbies - Sports - New Friends - Vacations - Spend money - dates with wife - interact more with kids - go on vacation alone

All that stuff.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

FeedbackLoop said:


> Does anyone have experience with this sort of feeling? Did you get divorced or reconcile?


It's called I've banged the crap out of her and I'm bored with her and need something new.

Nothing new, you've seen it, you've used it now you want something new that will make your blood race and your heart pound.

Just like a new car, the old one is still good and reliable and has always gotten you where you needed to go. You know every curve, every scratch, every dent, every stain in that car. Alot of memories but once you see that brand new Lambo, Ferrari, etc...WOW, I'm missing something from this car, I want that car it makes me feel alive again!

If she's good to you, takes care of you, loves you and still wants to knock your socks off during sex, look at yourself and think really carefully what you're giving up.


----------



## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

CH said:


> It's called I've banged the crap out of her and I'm bored with her and need something new.
> 
> Nothing new, you've seen it, you've used it now you want something new that will make your blood race and your heart pound.
> 
> ...


I can only like this post once. Which is why I am quoting it.


----------



## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I believe the chemical is dopamine that is released during an affair. 
I have been trying to fall back in love with my husband as well since he found out I was cheating over two months ago. I have posted various questions on this site and the one common response I get is time and effort. There are married people who still admit to having a spark and getting excited about their partner as well as having an enjoyable sex life. The hard part is putting in the work to get there. Love languages is a good book. Be honest about your fetishes and kinks. I'm doing everything I can to find love for my spouse, despite what some tam members might think, because he deserves to have the love he seeks. I wish you good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

I agree with everything above.

Please dont leave.


My husband(well soon to be ex now) and I are young , so when that kind of feeling hit him...he told me to leave when I was 8 months pregnant with our planned baby and now we are on a path to divorce. I know it is just because our honeymoon phase is over but he is certain he doesn't love me anymore. I still loved him very much.

He thinks of love as just a feeling when it is in fact a decision.

You should try to work on this, especially if she still loves you and there are children involved.


----------

