# How did you end up with a bad spouse



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner. 

Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating? 

My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.


I didn't



richardsharpe said:


> My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?


It's like doing due diligence when looking for a business. It's your responsibility to get to know the person, take time and not ignore red flags.

Rest is all luck. There are times when you can do everything perfect and someone will change completely and it's completely out of your control.

And other way around as well. My wife and I met young and we both head red flags ALL over the place.....and even based on what happened between us, we should no longer be together.

However, we both changed for the better and made things work. She turned from someone that would probably be the worse wife on paper to the best mother/wife in the world.

Funny how things work out sometimes....


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

In my case, when my husband & I were dating there were red flags. I am not going to lie & say that I never saw anything or noticed anything off. Oh, those red flags were right in front of my face. My mistake was choosing to ignore those red flags. I ignored them because my H & I were friends for many years before we even dated.

After we got married, that is when he started to display his abuser ways (emotional & verbal). It seemd like right after the marriage, the flood gates were opened. All of his bull$hit came out.

My advice for anyone: DO NOT IGNORE THE RED FLAGS.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.



I was naive. I didn't realize how long it takes to REALLY know someone. Narcissists are known for charm and speed - sweep you off your feet type of people. He pressed to move in, move away, get married.

I had heard if men are good to their mothers that's a good sign - he spoke respectfully and kindly of her. I overlooked the red flag of his ignoring her request we not share a room when there were young, impressionable nieces and nephews around when he took me to meet them at the family beach vacation - he refused for me to stay with the young girls (8-12ish) and insisted we share room. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable.

I had heard if they are good to animals that's a good sign - he loved his dog. Only later did I see him toss the dog around in the air completely disregarding the dog's obvious panic.

I heard if they are good to servers and tipped well that is a good sign - that is the one thing he did consistently.



richardsharpe said:


> Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating?


So it wasn't completely obvious when we were dating but there were signs I just didn't have the maturity or experience to see. Coupled with lack of confidence I misplaced my trust in him.

Then after marriage I thought I needed to change - to adapt to marriage, do things his way. But more and more often it was against my better judgement. Gradually opinions were not just ignored, they were put down, ridiculed and eventually brought on angry outbursts so that I realized it was best to keep them to myself so I shut down. 

Eventually I realized nothing was going to change and that ridiculing someone you 'loved' wasn't love and concluded I would have to leave.



richardsharpe said:


> My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?


Therefore my advice would be to know yourself, have confidence in your abilities and your decisions. Take your time getting to know someone - it's time well spent and there is no need to rush EVER. Waiting a year to engage and another year to marry while spending a lot of quality time together doing a variety of things including vacations, working on a project together, doing chores together, etc. to get a real understanding of their temperament and discussing the really important topics like children and parenting, religion, money, goals, lifestyle, careers, and expectations of the relationship and one another. And don't let the fear of losing the love you feel at that moment keep you from taking steps that may be painful but better for you in the long run.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Therefore my advice would be to know yourself, have confidence in your abilities and your decisions. Take your time getting to know someone - it's time well spent and there is no need to rush EVER. Waiting *2 years *to engage and another *2 years* to marry while spending a lot of quality time together doing a variety of things including vacations, working on a project together, doing chores together, etc. to get a real understanding of their temperament and discussing the really important topics like children and parenting, religion, money, goals, lifestyle, careers, and expectations of the relationship and one another. And don't let the fear of losing the love you feel at that moment keep you from taking steps that may be painful but better for you in the long run.


Fixed 

At the VERY minimum IMO


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## whataquandry (Jun 2, 2014)

Personally speaking youth and enthusiasm allowed me to ignore some red flags. There is also a part of me that knows that I didn't know myself well enough to determine what type of partner would be the best match. In the end I settled for what I had instead of being patient and searching for what I deserved.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How did you end up with a bad spouse? I got married. Without that step, I'd have been fine!

If you want a deeper explanation for that first marriage, it was bait and switch. She was affectionate and sexual prior to marriage, but actually getting married flipped a switch where all that ended abruptly. We were still friends, but not much more, until eventually I decided to end it. because nothing resulted in any improvement. In retrospect, there were no signs that I could have perceived that would have provided forewarning. I was probably just too young to have sufficient relationship experience to develop a healthy cynicism that may have led to a better decision.

The second time, we dated and lived together for almost 7 years before (rather reluctantly on both our parts) decided to marry for practical reasons. We had an extraordinarily good relationship prior to marrying, and it persisted afterwards. We were confident it would, but agreed to divorce and return to living together if marriage seemed to be ruining our relationship. Seven years later and it's all still wonderful.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I got married way too young. Didn't really know who I was and certainly didn't understand the compatibility factors required for long-term pair bonding.

I wanted a home and family and someone who worked hard at their career like I did. I assumed things would work themselves out. 

I was simply too young to understand how relationships actually work.

I always cringe when I hear about 20 year olds marrying. Sometime it works out but its becoming increasingly rare.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I did the white knight thing. I knew my x since the 6th grade. I knew she had daddy issues and cheated on previous boyfriends and her first husband. I believed her lies when she told me that he was verbally abusive and controlling. She swore that if someone would treat her right she wouldn't ever stray again.


Hook 

Line

Sinker

I Married her, loved her and gave her two kids and wasn't enough. So I ignored the signs and ended up being the biggest mistake of my life.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I did the white knight thing. I knew my x since the 6th grade. I knew she had daddy issues and cheated on previous boyfriends and her first husband. I believed her lies when she told me that he was verbally abusive and controlling. She swore that if someone would treat her right she wouldn't ever stray again.
> 
> 
> Hook
> ...


You can't say that 100%/totally though. I'm sure your kids are a blessing.

Pros and Cons to EVERYTHING

Besides, what if you didn't learn all this by this age and didn't marry your wife.

You might have NEVER learned ANY of this.

 :smthumbup:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I chalk it up to cheap Chinese aftermarket parts. Go OEM every time.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.
> 
> Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating?
> ...


Yes. a poor choice for wife and mother. I was too naive.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In my case, I thought I was marrying a great guy. And he certainly can be. But like many "nice guy" types, he's weak and a pleaser and hates telling people "no". So when one of his employees pursued him, he said "yes". The question is whether she was the only one. I doubt it. He's a handsome, successful, easy-going guy. But I'm divorced now and no longer care what his cheating number really is. He wishes he hadn't cheated. So do I.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Women marry men and expect them to change.

And they don't.

Men marry women expecting them to stay the same.

And they don't.

That's the advice to pass on to the single folks. My partner is the exception to this rule, and in the most positive ways imaginable.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.


I feel that I married an overall good guy who happens to not want to face his stuff, or to work on things together. I had one of those "moments" where my gut instincts said it was going to be hard, but instead of moving into it and exploring it, I ran from it and protected the marriage. I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted to save him (from the pain of growing up with his mother, from other pains). In the process, I sacrificed myself.



richardsharpe said:


> Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating?


He has changed, he's softened some. But, there's still this edge there that makes me wonder what he has against me (old stuff from us or old stuff from his mom, probably both, don't know).

It became obvious when we were dating that we both had issues. When he and I met, I was in a really good place emotionally, detached from outcomes, calm, peaceful. For some reason, I began working from fear of losing the relationship and fear of hurting him. I wasn't dependent upon him in any tangible way. Again, I started protecting the relationship instead of protecting love, honor and my dignity.



richardsharpe said:


> My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?


Nice goal. I think it is so important to remember that dating is a period of evaluating, not about immediately jumping into a full-blown relationship. I really don't know how you date seriously (read: sleep together) without it involving a sense of commitment (particularly on the woman's part). But, you have to protect the option to end it, and even let the other person know that this is just an evaluation period. And, at no stage, not even in marriage, does anybody "own" the other person.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> You can't say that 100%/totally though. I'm sure your kids are a blessing.
> 
> Pros and Cons to EVERYTHING
> 
> ...


One lesson I wish I had never learned. Had I the ability to go back I would have left her standing in the state we were from and moved out to colorado. I often wonder if I had made that better decision what my wife and kids would be like now. It's a fun fantasy but a fantasy none the less


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I wonder if the standard Hollywood romance has some negative impact. Often they show two clearly incompatible people (he is a stock broker, she is a Thai kick-boxing champion ....) who don't like each other at first except for some physical attraction. Then somehow, despite them being absolutely terrible for each other they wind up happy together. Often in the process dumping previous partners who were much better matches.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I married a bad person way too young, I thought I was doing the right thing and being responsible after she got pregnant, but really I made a terrible mistake, I'm still married and debating divorce but I don't want to leave my young children. I'm just going to try and trudge along until life gets better. It was a big mistake, I left a girl I really cared about to reconcile with the wife after a 3 years separation (from her affairs and basically wanting nothing to do with me).

Basically I was young and stupid and only recently started making choices I would consider with my best interests in mind.

My wife simply has low morals, she'll lie naturally, cheat, she never has a good thing to say about anyone even family and long term friends, she's manipulative, she's just a bad person and it sounds terrible to say but she is.

I won't call it luck because I consciously got myself into this pickle. People make their own luck, I just made bad decisions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> I chalk it up to cheap Chinese aftermarket parts. Go OEM every time.



I tried the Asian non OEM wife and it did not work out either. More like Mr. Goodwrench meet Kim Jung Il 

I would say I misunderestimated the cultural divide between Central Europe and Central Asia. Things that looked cute and different at age 25 took a life if their own at age 50...

Also the socioeconomic divide. Disney pulled it off with Lady and the Tramp but I have my doubts in real life.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

* there were signs I just didn't have the maturity or experience to see. Coupled with lack of confidence I misplaced my trust in him.*

This. Young and stupid also.

We talk about red flags.... but 20 - 25 year olds don't really KNOW who they are, let alone trying to figure out what the red flags are! Of course they think they are so grown...... (as did I)..... 

What I tell my kids and step-kids.... is look for someone who cherishes you, who contributes financially, and who supports who you ARE....and be ok with yourself, and confident with yourself and your accomplishments....that person will come. 

Second marriage here, and I want them to have what I have!!!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He ticked off all my boxes for a naïve 24 yr. old - gorgeous, educated, successful, college-football player...thought I had hit the jackpot.....ignored glaring red flags of verbal abuse, control issues, alcohol issues, huge ego........sigh.

Newish husband - only a high-school football player.....LOL


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Emerald said:


> He ticked off all my boxes for a naïve 24 yr. old - gorgeous, educated, successful, college-football player...thought I had hit the jackpot.....ignored glaring red flags of verbal abuse, control issues, alcohol issues, huge ego........sigh.


Ditto. I married the "checklist", ignored the red flags, ignored lack of overall "chemistry" factor... never DREAMED how vital a fulfilling sexual relationship is to a successful marriage. Too young and too stupid to know better.

I honestly believed we had all the right "ingredients"... sadly, relationships don't work that way. There is an "intangible" to relationships -- something that goes WAY beyond a storybook wedding and the promise of a bright future.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Add me to the list of young and stupid. Got married at 21.

Things were fantastic when we were dating for 2 years, right up until we got engaged. Lots of great sex. She was interested in doing all kinds of things with me. She seemed to be impressed with me and to really enjoy being with me.

After the engagement things went downhill pretty fast in all departments. I saw some red flags but figured they were a temporary blip, compared to the 2 years we'd dated. But it got worse after the wedding. I should have postponed or canceled the wedding until things were perfect, instead of rationalizing away the bad gut feelings.

At that age there was no way I could understand the meanings of the red flags. Her sex abuse long term psych issues were starting to get triggered. Also her mental template of what a marriage looks like, as she learned from observing her parents, came into play as we transitioned from dating to serious to married.

I wanted my girlfriend to stay my girlfriend for life. That is what I thought marriage would be.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I could also say it was insufficient quality control prior to delivery, and an onerous and ruinous return policy.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Funny question. I bet my wife would say I'm the bad spouse, so it's all relative. 

how about "how did you end up with a mismatched spouse"?

My wife was probably 1 grade above my league, or so I thought. I think we evened out and right now i may be up on her by a level (she's gained some notable weight and I think I've hit my stride). She was a bit more attitudy and had more guy friends than I was used to with prior gf's, but overall she seemed like a good mate for me. I always thought she was more challenging to "deal" with, but worth the reward. She was very sexual. Very affectionate. Seemed to adore me. Switch flips shortly after wedding. We had child year after wedding. Downhill from there. 

Original flags I saw, attitude/boycraziness/temper, all exposed after marriage. Added was selfishness and lack of empathy. Good god. 

Absolutely would not marry her again if I were to rewrite the story. Have a child together so I'm plugging away at it hoping things improve(and they are, at a snail pace).

To be fair, the marriage takes two. My issues include heightened temper/anxiety that snowballed after having a child and as sexlessness increased. I also underestimate/didnotunderstand the impact of post partum. She went crazy (her words not mine) and I got mad, instead of maybe trying to understand it better. 

Resentment city. taking a while to untangle mess.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was 19 when we got married. The problem is that we only knew each other 8 months. I thought I knew him, boy was I wrong! Now he is not the man I knew or fell in love with. After 18 years of marriage I still dont know him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon BostonBruins32
I just wanted to comment on this comment of yours. It seems a lot of people I wonder if people see an opportunity to marry someone "above" them and since it seems like such a great deal, they don't look further?

If someone finds a physically attractive, high social status partner, maybe they don't pay enough attention to the stuff that matters for being happy.

I've always hated the idea that people can be ordered, or the "ladder theory" or any related ideas. I do not believe that there is a metric for desirability. The person who I would most want is different from the person someone else would most want. Even for me, I couldn't take a bunch of female friends and order them in terms of desirability.

I think of it like asking what is the "best" food, or to put all foods in order of how tasty they are. 






BostonBruins32 said:


> (snip)
> My wife was probably 1 grade above my league, or so I thought. I think we evened out and right now i may be up on her by a level (she's gained some notable weight and I think I've hit my stride)..
> Snip)


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

richard..

everyone has thier own perspective. I feel like I can see when a couple has a varying degree of attractiveness (could be physical could be status..whatever). You can usually see when the partners are misaligned. And sometimes it doesnt matter. its just looks or maybe its just money.

In my case, I'm admitting that I overlooked the important things too much. I overlooked some light flags in favor of marrying someone that I was physically VERY stimulated and mentally kinda stimulated.

Essentially I didn't do my homework. Although to be fair, everything amped up and multiplied after we got married and after we had a baby. small 'flaws' or 'flags' turned out to be very telling of the future.. I just didnt pay enouh respect to them early on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.
> 
> *Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating? *


I did a thread asking this too... trying to break it down - with a poll...some time ago....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ng-vows-now-who-what-why-could-weathered.html



> *1.* Missed the
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> *My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?*


I put my brain to the metal on this one too...having advice wisdom for my own children in mind...maybe you can gleam some ideas.. 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

A book like this would be GREAT FOR DATING...



> Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be: Books
> 
> This solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships.
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening simplyamorous
the list in your compatibility post is very nice.

One item I'd add to secrets is that in addition to not keeping secrets you should accept hearing secrets. You are not marrying saint - they will have flaws and make mistakes. Be sure that they can tell you these things without being rejected.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I do not think anybody goes into a relationship thinking its going to a complete nightmare. I know when i met my older boys dad i thought the sun shone out of his arse..... He had a way of making you believe he was prince charming..... God how wrong was I.

I spent 7 years and 3 children thinking he would change, Instead he repaid me by sleeping around and staying out all the time.

As time goes on people change and their true colours come out, I know the first year things were brill and the last year was living a complete nightmare, I do not think anybody can prevent falling for an arse, A relationship is always great at first.... Then you get to know the real them..... 

I am married now tho to a real man, and things are the same now as they were when we first met, and we been together nearly 11 years.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bottom line... I F*CKED UP!!!!!!! BIG TIME....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I did the white knight thing. I knew my x since the 6th grade. I knew she had daddy issues and cheated on previous boyfriends and her first husband. I believed her lies when she told me that he was verbally abusive and controlling. She swore that if someone would treat her right she wouldn't ever stray again.
> 
> 
> Hook
> ...


How did she do you in?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> How did she do you in?


She left me for a co-worker. A married one to boot. He decided to stay in his marriage so he dumped my x. I wouldn't take her back so she was stuck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ex wasn't really a bad spouse, nor is she a bad person at heart - we've both made alot of mistakes as we pretty much rushed into marriage when neither of us were ready. Despite the progress made over the years the damage was too deep and there's only so much a couple can take.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Quite simply she changed. 

My X literally changed on our wedding day.

As she reached for the Marital Autopilot switch she said, "We're together all the time now we don't have to do those things anymore."


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: How did you end up with a bad spouse*



NotLikeYou said:


> Women marry men and expect them to change.
> 
> And they don't.
> 
> ...


This is a good summary of how it generally works. 

I am replying even though I don't think I have a "bad" spouse. We are two flawed people with issues to work out, but neither one of us could squarely be labeled "bad".

Here's the thing I struggle with - going into marriage I had no hesitation, and I would do it over again exactly the same if given the chance. The single biggest trait that I wanted in a spouse was commitment and responsibility. I figured that as long as we both were fully committed to making it work under any circumstances, that no matter what happens we will make it. I still feel that way in some regard. Although I sometimes wonder if commitment and happiness are two mutually exclusive things, which one out ranks the other? 

I knew going into marriage that we would both change as time went on. It's natural. What I did not see was that sometimes you change and grow together, sometimes you change and grow apart. I feel like marriage is like the tides...When it's high tide, it's like your on a constant honeymoon. When the tide is going out, you are drifting apart. How far can the tide go out and you still hang on knowing it will eventually return to you? What is considered a normal fluctuation of your partnership and what do you do to remind yourself of why you are waiting for the tide to come back in? 

H and I are in a low tide right now, and have been for some time. We both take our commitment seriously and take little steps to try to get back on track, but I think our fundamental problem is that I am changing and growing apart from what I used to be and he doesn't like the change. Hoping that eventually he will adapt.

I think this would happen regardless of who I married or what age I was when I married. The drifting back and forth is natural. When I talk about this concept with people IRL, they think I am nuts. Not sure if other people's marriages are always unicorns and rainbows or maybe I really am nuts for my fierce sense of commitment despite the fact that it means I sometimes sacrifice my own happiness. There are plenty of times when I know it would be easier to throw in the towel and seek something that would just give some instant gratification, but that wasn't in the vows I took.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I mistook her limited sexuality as a sign she just lacked experience, but that would grow together. I had no idea about HD/LD/ND and that some people just aren't horny or into sex.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> After reading a bunch of threads where people are in unhappy marriages with terrible partners, I'm wondering: How did you end up with a bad partner.
> 
> Did they change? Did you hope they would change? Was it not obvious when you were dating?
> ...


I didn't end up with a bad spouse but I can say that when the cracks showed in our marriage, it was a result of years of poor communication and the dynamic that was occurring because of that. 

With hindsight and after going through a lot of crap together to work it out, it simply comes down to owning our sh*t ...really own it... look to the part of yourself that you'd rather not see. Take responsibility. Don't point the finger of blame. Communicate effectively. It takes both to work on the marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> My goal is to try to come up with advice for people who are not yet married on how to avoid a bad relationship. I think there are many good men and women out there - how can people find them?


In this sense, I would simply advise to have self-respect. Maybe it's simplistic and idealistic but if you have a solid foundation beneath yourself first, then how you deal with life scenarios, including marriage stems from that place.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Read flags were there, but we were young, in love, two halves, etc, and I just believed/hoped this would eventually improve, that he would get that we need to keep basics of respect for each other even in arguments. I fell for the self proclaimed grizzly bear, who claimed that I had finally found way to see under the grizzly part.Twenty years later I am tired of constant struggles with grizzly. I just want to relax in my own home, not to worry about some middle age guy moods and pouting, manipulative arguments and name calling.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

whataquandry said:


> Personally speaking youth and enthusiasm allowed me to ignore some red flags. There is also a part of me that knows that I didn't know myself well enough to determine what type of partner would be the best match. In the end I settled for what I had instead of being patient and searching for what I deserved.


That.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

......I don't know.....I don't even know what the hell just happened. We seemed happy, we got married and then, just like that, it was over....

7 years of my life with her gone. 4 of them married to her.

I have no idea how I ended up with a bad spouse.


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## White.Rabbit (Feb 24, 2014)

I woke up to realise what a poor state our sex life had got into and went looking for answers, consequently going through quite a sexual reawakening and wrestling with his hangups, misconceptions and excessive porn use. I'm naturally very tenacious when I believe something is worth fighting for, but in the end I lost the will to keep trying because neither of us could be what the other wanted.

The best advice I can give, from someone who found out the hard way, is that astrologically water and fire signs are seldom compatible.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Resentment is the core to failed marriages.... all the poor behavioral choices are evidence that resentment has been allowed to build.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I was naive. I didn't realize how long it takes to REALLY know someone. Narcissists are known for charm and speed - sweep you off your feet type of people. He pressed to move in, move away, get married.
> 
> I had heard if men are good to their mothers that's a good sign - he spoke respectfully and kindly of her. I overlooked the red flag of his ignoring her request we not share a room when there were young, impressionable nieces and nephews around when he took me to meet them at the family beach vacation - he refused for me to stay with the young girls (8-12ish) and insisted we share room. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


I physically was nodding yes to the bolded part Enjoli. For me, I think it was a lack of confidence and self esteem that led me to believe I could/would never find someone who loved me like my ex, and because of that I allowed myself to rugsweep the red flags believe that "well that was just a one time thing, she's not really like that". Boy how I was wrong. Since then I've taken a particular liking to this little nugget of wisdom: 'When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I too ignored red flags. He spent years in bad relationships, including 9 years as the OM in an affair. I got past that, but his ability to compartmentalize his actions were not really something I considered.

He was too nice when we married. Never a mean word about anyone. Very supportive. 

Once we married, that was over. He became lazy and mean in our relationship. Issues were unaddressed, conversations derailed, attacks thrown, controlling side came out. He revealed his true self.

The sad part is all of that is due I fear. He is afraid of opening up, of addressing issues. And not his with me. Here's an example:

When his parents visit, they usually arrive an hour early. They do this because when his father is ready to leave, they leave. His mom never questions. Most recently they sat on our front porch for over an hour waiting for us to get home, even though my H told them we were busy that morning and what time they should expect us. And they could have gone in. They have a key. But they just sat on the porch, waiting. My FIL woke up at 5 am and when he's up for the day, he wakes up his wife so she will get ready because that is what my FIL wants. 

That is the example my H saw growing up. And as much as he hates how his dad behaves and how his mom takes it, he will never say a word to them. They will always arrive early. 

As a result, issues are addressed by him with passive aggressiveness. He doesn't have the skills or the courage to be open and honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can honestly say I have never been surprised in a relationship and I have had a few. People tell you early on who they are. My problem was ignoring that information or believing I could rescue them, change them, love them out of whatever screwiness they had going on. Adults are who they are and when one shows you they are dishonest, a psycho, selfish, narcissistic, an addict, etc, BELIEVE THEM and move on. Jesus might save lost souls but you won't.


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