# To tell or Not article



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/15/m...iends-husband-that-shes-having-an-affair.html
The explanations and rationalizations made my head hurt.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Can't remember who it was, but someone posted this a while back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I have stated before that several of my husbands friends knew what I did and never told him.

I'd be a liar if I said that at the time I wasn't thankful for that.

Now, I am just as angry at them as my husband is. 

Please be assured, I understand this is hypocritical. I'm no dummy.

But not one of us had the balls to tell my husband. They all betrayed him just as much as I did. Obviously not in the act that was performed, but in the secrecy afterwards.

If you know, god damnit you TELL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Years ago I told my roommate and she never spoke to me again. 

I also remember my aunt (who was married to a cheater for years - finally divorced) if she would ha e wanted to' know and she dadi, "No" 

A lot of messangers get shot. 

I've struggled with this immensely. I told myself after the roommate deal 30 years ago, that I would butt-out if I ever was in that position again. For me, it's a tough decision.


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I've lost friends when I told them their boyfriends were cheating.

They end up back together and then he hates me and eventually she does not talk to me anymore.

This is when I was in college or a younger adult.

Now I find myself having conversations with friends about ethics. We ask, would you want me to tell you that your husband is cheating?

Surprisingly, of my 4 really close friends, only 1 would want us to tell her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tpdallas said:


> I've lost friends when I told them their boyfriends were cheating.
> 
> They end up back together and then he hates me and eventually she does not talk to me anymore.
> 
> ...


But if they find out after that you knewbut had not told them, they would flay you alive, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My ex and I socialized with a couple. The husband hit on me and made lewd comments a number of times. I told my husband and we went together to tell her because I wasn't comfortable socializing with them anymore and to just stop seeing them with no explanation would be hurtful. She seemed to appreciate it although upset and I presume went home and confronted him. Maybe she wanted to believe him, but she turned on us. My guess is he denied it and either told her I was the aggressor or that we wanted them apart. I will never know. I just know I got burned for being honest.

But I would do it again. At least she had the facts. If she got hurt later because she chose to ignore she married a douche, at least I had no part in it.


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> But if they find out after that you knewbut had not told them, they would flay you alive, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, 3 said don't tell them, so no.


----------



## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I'd tell in a heartbeat. Otherwise, I'd consider myself complicit. What this article never gets to is that the BS's health is at risk...doesn't that make it obligatory? 
I bet most people don't tell though...


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I don't know about telling on a friend or acquaintance, but I've often thought about whether it's always the right thing to do in a marriage, my own in particular. My H told me about his cheating a few years (as far as I can tell) after it was over. At the time, we were having severe financial problems and all these old credit card bills suddenly surfaced. He at first said that they were expenses for his mother and then finally told me that the truth - that he had had an affair, but it was in the past. I was so stunned that I immediately rug swept and even stopped him when he tried to tell me more. His excuse was that I wasn't having sex with him enough back then and he actually confessed, I think, because we had been intimate the night before and that made him feel even more guilty. 

The thing was - I WAS trying harder at that time to be a better wife and I think if he hadn't confessed I would have continued on that path. But once he told me, it changed everything and it's never been the same since. Eventually, I had an EA and in the issuing chaos of lies and deceit on my part, my H finally told me more of the truth. There was not one woman, there were at least five. I still don't know the whole truth. My therapist and a few friends I have told me, what does it matter anymore? After that many women, will it make a difference to know the exact number, exactly when it started, and so forth? I honestly don't know the answer.

Now we live as roommates, on separate floors of the house. H has severe back problems and prostate issues, so he isn't even interested in sex anymore. We are kind to each other and considerate. We function as parenting and home partners. I don't know what the future holds for us, that will be determined when the last of our children graduates from high school and I finish my graduate program. But, I do often think that I wish I had never found out about the past. It wouldn't have changed the massive problems that my H and I have outside of the bedroom, but it might not have caused me to give up on him and us. Seeking out other men to fill the hole in my heart is, of course, all on me.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blahfridge said:


> I don't know about telling on a friend or acquaintance, but I've often thought about whether it's always the right thing to do in a marriage, my own in particular. My H told me about his cheating a few years (as far as I can tell) after it was over. At the time, we were having severe financial problems and all these old credit card bills suddenly surfaced. He at first said that they were expenses for his mother and then finally told me that the truth - that he had had an affair, but it was in the past. I was so stunned that I immediately rug swept and even stopped him when he tried to tell me more. His excuse was that I wasn't having sex with him enough back then and he actually confessed, I think, because we had been intimate the night before and that made him feel even more guilty.
> 
> The thing was - I WAS trying harder at that time to be a better wife and I think if he hadn't confessed I would have continued on that path. But once he told me, it changed everything and it's never been the same since. Eventually, I had an EA and in the issuing chaos of lies and deceit on my part, my H finally told me more of the truth. There was not one woman, there were at least five. I still don't know the whole truth. My therapist and a few friends I have told me, what does it matter anymore? After that many women, will it make a difference to know the exact number, exactly when it started, and so forth? I honestly don't know the answer.
> 
> Now we live as roommates, on separate floors of the house. H has severe back problems and prostate issues, so he isn't even interested in sex anymore. We are kind to each other and considerate. We function as parenting and home partners. I don't know what the future holds for us, that will be determined when the last of our children graduates from high school and I finish my graduate program. *But, I do often think that I wish I had never found out about the past*. It wouldn't have changed the massive problems that my H and I have outside of the bedroom, but it might not have caused me to give up on him and us. Seeking out other men to fill the hole in my heart is, of course, all on me.


Let's say that a friend knew about it WHILE it was going on... would you have wanted him or her to tell you THEN?


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Let's say that a friend knew about it WHILE it was going on... would you have wanted him or her to tell you THEN?


Yeah, most definitely Gus. I sometimes wish I HAD known then because it would have made it easy for me to leave him. Now I struggle with what to do. :frown2:


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blahfridge said:


> Yeah, most definitely Gus. I sometimes wish I HAD known then because it would have made it easy for me to leave him. Now I struggle with what to do. :frown2:


OK, so let's say that you were to discover today that he's _currently_ cheating on you.

What would you do?


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I have a friend who says "what I don't know won't hurt me". She has specifically told all of us that if her hubby cheats, don't tell her. She has also told her husband that if he has an affair but successfully hides it, she doesn't care. But if she finds out, He's dead.

If that's not weird thinking......I don't know what is.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> I have a friend who says "what I don't know won't hurt me". She has specifically told all of us that if her hubby cheats, don't tell her. *She has also told her husband that if he has an affair but successfully hides it, she doesn't care.* But if she finds out, He's dead.
> 
> If that's not weird thinking......I don't know what is.


If my wife were to say that to me, it'd probably take me all of 2 seconds to ask her who she'd been f*cking.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If my wife were to say that to me, it'd probably take me all of 2 seconds to ask her who she'd been f*cking.


I always thought it was strange. Her previous relationship, her husband had an affair. She said if she never would have found out, she would have stayed with him, but once she knew, she couldn't. 

She said she doesn't worry about this one doing it, but if he does, she just doesn't wanna know about it. She'd rather be oblivious.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> I always thought it was strange. Her previous relationship, her husband had an affair. She said if she never would have found out, she would have stayed with him, but once she knew, she couldn't.
> 
> She said she doesn't worry about this one doing it, but if he does, she just doesn't wanna know about it. She'd rather be oblivious.


Not knowing the truth doesn't mean that it isn't the truth, it just means that you're living your life based upon a lie.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> blahfridge said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah, most definitely Gus. I sometimes wish I HAD known then because it would have made it easy for me to leave him. Now I struggle with what to do.
> ...


I'd leave him in a heartbeat. I used to hope that he would have another affair so I would have an easy excuse. When I cheated on him and he knew it, he threatened to leave if I didn't stop the EA. I went further underground with it, or so I thought. He had a key logger on my laptop, so he knew everything. I think I was unconsciously hoping he would leave. 

But he didn't and he never will. He can't stand change and will do anything to avoid it. So, it's left to me to figure out what to do. Hard to say which one of us is the bigger coward.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

So what -- if anything -- did he do in order to help you to heal from the trauma brought about by his infidelities?

He cheated 4 or 5 times, right? Or am I thinking of someone else?

How old are your kids?

And how far away are you from wrapping up your degree?


----------



## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I always thought it was strange. Her previous relationship, her husband had an affair. She said if she never would have found out, she would have stayed with him, but once she knew, she couldn't.
> 
> She said she doesn't worry about this one doing it, but if he does, she just doesn't wanna know about it. She'd rather be oblivious.


That mindset is completely alien to me. How could somebody not want to know that they're being cheated on? Even if you completely leave out the morality of it you're being put at risk for potentially catching one of many life altering diseases, you're exchanging bodily fluids with a total stranger each time you have sex with your spouse and then there's the chance that somebody might get pregnant during the affair. The only thing I can figure is somebody like that either has extremely low self esteem or they're doing something questionable themselves.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Kobold said:


> That mindset is completely alien to me. How could somebody not want to know that they're being cheated on? Even if you completely leave out the morality of it you're being put at risk for potentially catching one of many life altering diseases, you're exchanging bodily fluids with a total stranger each time you have sex with your spouse and then there's the chance that somebody might get pregnant during the affair. The only thing I can figure is somebody like that either has extremely low self esteem or they're doing something questionable themselves.


In her case, I think it was low self esteem. Non existent mother and daddy issues.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

LosingHim said:


> But not one of us had the balls to tell my husband. They all betrayed him just as much as I did. Obviously not in the act that was performed, but in the secrecy afterwards.
> 
> If you know, god damnit you TELL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I absolutely agree. I certainly wish someone would have clued me in sooner with my XWW.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> So what -- if anything -- did he do in order to help you to heal from the trauma brought about by his infidelities?
> 
> He cheated 4 or 5 times, right? Or am I thinking of someone else?
> 
> ...


Hi Gus, sorry I couldn't get back to you earlier. Busy time of year, yes? 

My H confessed to cheating at least five times. But I'm sure it's more because whenever I've brought up the number to him he is silent. We were really close to separating last fall/winter when I discovered his spying and the multiple affairs finally came to light - also the massive porn addiction. 

He's over all of it, mostly doesn't drink at all anymore either. The booze fueled a lot of his behavior, that and his massive resentment of me for not putting out enough. I could go into those reasons, there were many, but to keep the focus on your questions, he hasn't done anything to help me heal, but I haven't let him either. My EA was part exit affair, part escape from a situation with which I felt I had little control. 

My therapist said that once you disconnect emotionally, it's very hard to go back and I've found that to be true. I try to think about forgiving and forgetting, both what he did and what I did, but it's very hard. I know in my heart that I am most likely done with him, though every once and a while I feel a wave of tenderness and compassion toward him. He's quite messed up, but one of the gentlest, nicest people you could ever meet. He just wasn't very nice to me for a good part of our marriage. But then, I wasn't as nice to him as I could have been. We have compatibility issues that have always been there - they underpin all our other problems. 

I believe that he figures that he'll just wait me out and has fallen back to his strategy of not making any demands. He is very passive, always has been. Leaves me to do all the heavy lifting with the kids, who are older, but still need a lot of support. My youngest is a high school senior and he's been a real handful this year. It's added to my already high stress level and is one more thing that feeds my resentment of my H. BUT, I know that is how he is and he isn't going to change. 

Another big issue for us is his OCD and borderline hoarding. He can't throw anything away, never ever makes it a priority to get rid of anything. The corners of my dining room are filled with his stuff and the basement, where he now sleeps, is hard to even maneuver in any more. The worst part is that I stopped fighting it years ago and so the kids don't know any different. My younger daughter does complain now when she comes home from college as she has seen how other people organize their space. 

Lately, that has been bothering me the most and it's doubly frustrating because he has severe back problems now so I can't even ASK him to get rid of some things. I told my therapist last year that I almost wouldn't mind staying married to him for the sake of the children, I just can't stand living with him anymore. 

I'll be finished with my masters program by a year from this spring. Sorry if this is so rambling, it's a very complicated situation...or maybe I've just made it so. :frown2:


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

tpdallas said:


> I've lost friends when I told them their boyfriends were cheating.
> 
> They end up back together and then he hates me and eventually she does not talk to me anymore.


Before a friend tells the _cheatee_ about the _cheator,_ they need to consider its a "kill the messenger" business.


----------

