# Considering divorce (very long post)



## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

Hello,
I guess to start, here's a little background. So I'm 23, I got married shortly before my 20th birthday, my husband is 6 years older, and we have now been married for 3.5 years, and together for 5. We have no kids, but do own/share a house. I am a housewife (I don't work), based on a mutual agreement (his suggestion) at the point of us moving in together. This has never been an issue in our marriage, but is kind of important when considering divorce, so I mentioned it.


Now, we've always had issues. My husband is a very...uptight person. There is no other way to explain that, it's kind of his trademark trait that he's well known for. At first it was fine, and I was happy to cater to this (I'll be the first to admit that this was stupid of me, but I've always been one to try and keep the peace so it seemed fine to me). However, as time wore on, my tolerance just wore down. I got tired of him getting irritated at me chewing, to the point where I only eat when he does, to avoid him getting upset. I got tired of having to go to sleep when he does, so that I wouldn't wake him and make him upset. I got tired of essentially censoring everything within my power in order to keep him in a good mood. And I got tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop when something out of my control went 'wrong' and sent him spiralling into a fit. I just can't do it anymore.

At this point, I started (trying) to communicate this issue and asking him to try to work on getting upset so easily, and explained that it was deeply wearing on me. This didn't work. It became a regular conversation, and then a regular argument. This has been happening for 2 years with little/no change.

I was, in general, working really hard to see this as a 'maybe it'll change' issue. Stupidly, I now see.

Now, that is pretty much the entire background of our marriage. He goes about his life, and I go about trying to 'fit proof' it. And when I can't, well obviously, I'm to blame for 'not supporting him' because **** just happens sometimes and you can't control everything.

I've always had the 'are we compatible' question in the back of my head, but was pretty much giving everything a chance and being way to positive and naive about the marriage up until recently.
And for lack of a better metaphor right now, one little match just burned down the whole house (meaning, 1 problem made everything else come to light and made me truly consider divorce)

About a week ago- I got tired of dancing around the 'baby' conversation for the last 1.5 years, where my husband would only respond 'not now' with little odd comments thrown in of 'a car seat will fit in the back!' when buying a vehicle, or 'i want to start having kids before I'm 30' that would lead one to believe that they were on the table, just not right now. Which was fine, I didn't push. We got married young, and a few years to wait is fine. But after buying a house, a new vehicle, having x amount in savings, did some traveling, ect- I thought it was the natural step. And so I finally sat down and told him we needed to actually talk.
And apparently- he doesn't want kids. At all. The way he described parenthood gave a very strong impression of a complete hatred for it. But, his exact words were 'ill have one before I lose you'. Nice, right? Forced parenthood filled with resentment. No thank you.

And, I'm speechless, I still am. Part of it is on me- I shouldn't have married without a definite yes on kids. But at the time, I was happy with a 'in the future' with a lean towards yes. But now we don't agree, with a strong 'dead opposite' stance.
There's no going back from that. That's not really something you can 'work on' or 'settle with'.
And since then, when the thought of divorce became a real option- it raised up a bunch of other problems I've been trying to settle with, that honestly just seem big as well now.
First off- he won't add me to his bank account. He doesn't flat out say 'no'. But he shuts down when I ask, or has a 'oh there's no reason to' response, where he magically doesn't hear me speak when I explain why I want to be added. I have no access to any of our finances, and use a credit card in his name for everything besides a prepaid credit card that I use on a $5 monthly in order to build credit. A card that I actually had to 'fight' for for months before him agreeing. Once again- he 'didnt see a need' for me to have credit.
I asked here and there for access to this information for years, but never pushed because I've never had any real interest in buying things outside of home goods/needs which he always let me buy anyway. Now, now I see why this is a problem.
Secondly, after breaking down and venting for hours to a couple mutual friends while drunk (I never drink, and I'm aware I should have never talked about private issues with other people. It was definitely unintentional. Thankfully, they're private people as well and have kept this to themselves). It was pointed out that there are some unhealthy things happening in my marriage that I should think into. And after taking that advice and trying to be less 'positive' about my marriage- I definitely noticed some things
-he doesn't 'allow' me to have friends. Meaning, he doesn't say 'no' directly. But I can expect a ton of backlash, accusations of cheating, him getting angry if I don't text him nonstop, and him spending the next several months going 'oh did ___ teach you that??' whenever I have any form of problem with anything at all.
He has never said I'm not allowed to work, but when offered a job my a mutual friend, he started accusing me of thinking about leaving him, and asking how I was going to manage to do x,y,z for him still, and getting upset over who was going to care for our dogs.
He has thrown things, broken things, threatened our dogs, done petty things like leave the house all night without a word and then come home mad at me for not begging him to come home. Basically, he's shown abusive tactics, quite frequently.
As I stated earlier- I don't often purchase things outside of needs for the house. But on the odd occasion that I do- I have to plead my case for wanting them. To which he'll either tell me I don't need it, or tell me I have to wait 1-2 weeks until payday (we are very far from struggling financially), and then he'll promptly go and spend hundreds on himself for whatever hobby items he's into. This has happened multiple times. He also won't allow me to spend money to hang out with friends, and is very clear about that (going as far as telling me friend 'yeah? With what money.' when she made a comment about us needing to have a girls night.

And while I'm far from perfect and have my issues as well- I've put active effort in daily into being an understanding, trusting, loving, supportive partner. And I don't feel as if he'd be able to say the same.

The more I think- the more I could add in. But, I'm hoping you're able to see why divorce is becoming more and more of an option.

However, having no access to finances. Him being very against me having a job. Me not having had work history in several years. And me not having a vehicle in my name, make it more overwhelming and difficult to finance a divorce. Especially considering I moved several states away from my family to be with him, and would have to travel 3k miles back to be with them. I also have no solid friends to rely on here. I feel stuck/trapped. But I also feel like I've hit a dead end as far as this marriage goes. And I KNOW in my heart/head that I've done more than my share of work/effort/time to fix things and keep it going. I also know that he isn't willing/capable to put in the work needed to fix this.

If I'm honest with myself- I feel like leaving would be better for me and my future. But doing so seems impossible, and staying both seems easier, and harder, all at once

Please offer any advice you have. Thank you for reading this super long post


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## Klc124 (Aug 24, 2020)

Hopefully your family is loving and supportive because, girl, you need to RUN home now. Can they help get you a ticket home? Honestly, if there are no children or other shared assets besides your home, cut your losses and get out ASAP. He is clearly setting you up to be wholly dependent on him so that you can’t leave. He wants a stepford wife and you are starting to see the writing on the wall. Get out before you really can’t.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am SO glad that you can see this marriage for what it really is - a controlling, abusive one. For the love of God, do NOT get pregnant. Call your parents, ask them to book you a flight, and when he's at work, leave.

Don't tell him any of this, just do it.

He is absolutely setting you up to be completely dependent on him, and that is never good. You were young and naive when you met him, you are older and wiser now.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You must leave. Be firm, protect yourself. Finances will likely be divided by the laws of the state--not whose name is on it. He will fight you and maybe even try to 'nice' you back. Do not fall for this. His demands are so far from acceptable that you must be careful to be safe. 

This is not a marriage, but a dictatorship. Act now.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Leave and see a tough lawyer immediately who has estate, tax, and savvy associates. Do not discuss/debate this with him. Remember 'no' is a complete sentence. Call 911 if you feel threatened.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Where I live we had a case of a woman who had a relationship that was controlled like that. Every move she made was monitored and it only got worse as time went on. He didn't physically abuse her from what I've read, but everything else was under his control. When she finally took their children and left, he killed them all. What you are experiencing may not seem like a dangerous situation, but please be extremely careful. Look for advice and help. Talk to your family about your situation. I would seriously consider asking for help from your family to pack up and leave while he's at work, leave a note that your safe but it's not working for you and go live with them until you can get back on your feet. Screw working it out amicably. I'd just get the hell out.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think there's still time to 'train' your husband. You need to NOT be afraid of making noise and being alive. That's what humans do, we live and move and make noise. If your husband can't handle a little noise and movement, or having another human beside him, well, then you certainly shouldn't be having a kid with him...they make lots of noise. So I suggest you start getting brave and putting him in his place. Chew loudly, do what you want to do....he doesn't like it? Show him the door. And start ignoring ANY stupid remarks from him. Tell him to GET OVER HIMSELF and end the conversation there. If he continues the convo, continue to ignore until he's done talking about it.

Update: I read the bottom part of your post. What's up with not having access to finances. Insist that you get access, or go! This is beyond controlling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Klc124 said:


> Hopefully your family is loving and supportive because, girl, you need to RUN home now. Can they help get you a ticket home? Honestly, if there are no children or other shared assets besides your home, cut your losses and get out ASAP. He is clearly setting you up to be wholly dependent on him so that you can’t leave. He wants a stepford wife and you are starting to see the writing on the wall. Get out before you really can’t.


And please take those poor dogs with you, goodness knows what will happen to them with him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am afraid you have married a highly controlling man. To not work when you have no children is unheard of, but is part of his control over you as you have no access to money. The children issue is also something that you should have sorted before marriage, but to be honest I would never bring a child into the world with him as their father. 

I would honestly begin to plan secretly to leave, hire a lorry and while he is at work take your stuff and your dogs and go back to your family. Hopefully a brother or father will come and help you. Please take your pets as he may kill them out of spite and anger.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have no friends, no job, no opportunity to enrich your life. You are in a situation where it seems you will become unhappier by the day.
I agree that your husband sounds like a person who may be dangerous when you leave. You need to seek help from whomever you can and extract yourself from this. You are correct to not even consider having kids with him. He is clearly not wanting you to get a job or an education in order to reduce your chances of leaving him, which is likely his greatest fear. You really need to be careful here. When you leave, he will likely be enraged.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Apply for a credit card in your own name. NOW! Your husband's income will be used for issuance per the credit card act of 2009. Then, leave as fast as you can. Don't think twice about this. He has effectively isolated you and it will only get worse.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

Klc124 said:


> Hopefully your family is loving and supportive because, girl, you need to RUN home now. Can they help get you a ticket home? Honestly, if there are no children or other shared assets besides your home, cut your losses and get out ASAP. He is clearly setting you up to be wholly dependent on him so that you can’t leave. He wants a stepford wife and you are starting to see the writing on the wall. Get out before you really can’t.


My family can't help much from where they are beyond mural support, they have very little money. However, my sister has offered multiple times to let me move into her guest room at any time. So I would have a place to go, it's just a matter of getting there. If I had a choice, I would like to be able to get a car and drive there since I have possession of a fairly large collection of my familes heirlooms given to me by my grandma/ect that I wouldn't trust to be shipped, and I would hate to leave here. We do own 2 nice vehicles, but both are in his name, and one still has quite a bit of money left on the loan that I would be unable to pay. 
Thank you for your reply and help, it's nice to have reassurance that something isn't right here and I'm not just being overdramatic or something by considering divorce.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I am afraid you have married a highly controlling man. To not work when you have no children is unheard of, but is part of his control over you as you have no access to money. The children issue is also something that you should have sorted before marriage, but to be honest I would never bring a child into the world with him as their father.
> 
> I would honestly begin to plan secretly to leave, hire a lorry and while he is at work take your stuff and your dogs and go back to your family. Hopefully a brother or father will come and help you. Please take your pets as he may kill them out of spite and anger.


I'm trying to find a way to leave by driving vs a plane ticket for this reason as well- I'm not sure what he would do with our pets. Even if he didn't harm them, I'm not sure he'd properly care for them. I was the sole provider in thier training/care, and they're quite attached to me. He works between 12-18 hour days at his job, and Im not sure how he'd manage to let them out for potty breaks or anything like that.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

AliceA said:


> Where I live we had a case of a woman who had a relationship that was controlled like that. Every move she made was monitored and it only got worse as time went on. He didn't physically abuse her from what I've read, but everything else was under his control. When she finally took their children and left, he killed them all. What you are experiencing may not seem like a dangerous situation, but please be extremely careful. Look for advice and help. Talk to your family about your situation. I would seriously consider asking for help from your family to pack up and leave while he's at work, leave a note that your safe but it's not working for you and go live with them until you can get back on your feet. Screw working it out amicably. I'd just get the hell out.


This is a fear I've had, but I've always told myself it was irrational because he's never been physically abusive. However, he's a very angry man, and despite everything he's done around me to show that anger, it still seems to be a muted version of what happens at work (he works as a supervisor position at a physical, blue collar outdoor job). His coworkers have told me that he's very aggressive at work, screaming, breaking things, throwing things, ect to the point where there's only a couple people who feel comfortable around him. But since he's good at his job, and it's more of a rough field of work where you get way more leeway as far as attitude goes, they just let him do whatever I guess. 
So, while he's never harmed me, I definitely get the 'theres more under the surface' vibe when it comes to how he could react. He's always scared me in a way, but I always felt a bit dramatic/silly because he's never threatened me, threatened to harm me, or harmed me. 

I've spoken to my dad about it once, where he confirmed that it sounded mentally abusive and controlling, but he also mentioned how 'no marriage is perfect'. So I'm not really sure what to do with that information. My sister would definitely be more of a support, but I'm still working up the courage to tell her because I'm pretty embarrassed about everything and I feel stupid for putting myself in this situation and doing this to myself.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I am SO glad that you can see this marriage for what it really is - a controlling, abusive one. For the love of God, do NOT get pregnant. Call your parents, ask them to book you a flight, and when he's at work, leave.
> 
> Don't tell him any of this, just do it.
> 
> He is absolutely setting you up to be completely dependent on him, and that is never good. You were young and naive when you met him, you are older and wiser now.





Blondilocks said:


> Apply for a credit card in your own name. NOW! Your husband's income will be used for issuance per the credit card act of 2009. Then, leave as fast as you can. Don't think twice about this. He has effectively isolated you and it will only get worse.


I do have a credit card in my own name, but it only has a $700 limit and I'm not really sure if that would be enough to get me out of the situation with as much as I would have to do. I have a great credit score though, so that should open more options up to me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're allowed to have more than one credit card.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> You must leave. Be firm, protect yourself. Finances will likely be divided by the laws of the state--not whose name is on it. He will fight you and maybe even try to 'nice' you back. Do not fall for this. His demands are so far from acceptable that you must be careful to be safe.
> 
> This is not a marriage, but a dictatorship. Act now.


Another fear of mine is- I know the divorce will be a complete and utter nightmare. On top of being a petty person, he's also extremely focused on money. Money means everything to him, and I know he will fight to the death to not have to share it at all. He's always mentioned how stupid alimony is, and how expensive divorce is, and hinted at killing himself if he was forced to have to give someone x amount of his money every month or what he would do if he lost his money. 
So, that will be a complete and utter nightmare and I'm scared of having to deal with all of that. I also can't even imagine how expensive it would be to have to get a lawyer and deal with that battle. I'm also not sure how it would be if I were to try and divorce, knowing it will be a battle, while I lived in a seperate state.


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## Kitkat8888 (Sep 6, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You're allowed to have more than one credit card.


I'll have to look into that, and try and get one with a higher limit since I'll likely need to use that as a way to finance leaving.


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## kdog99 (Aug 11, 2020)

I feel for you. Being in a controlling, abusive relationship is not much different than being in prison. There is no one on this planet that has the right to control and abuse another person. Experience has shown that abusers rarely change. If you are not familiar with the abuse cycle, please do some reading up on it. What is happening to you sounds like a classic example of the abuse cycle. Understanding the Cycle of Abuse | Talkspace
Abuse can happen many ways, it's not always physical. Emotional and financial abuse can be very destructive. There is no rule that says you have to stay in an abusive relationship. That never has been or ever will be part of the marriage vows. Your happiness is just as important as his. Please be aware that there are agencies and programs established to help people get out of abusive relationships. It is well known that abusers manipulate and control finances. It is their way of keeping you in the relationship so they can maintain control over you. Don't let that stop you from leaving.
Here is a number for the abuse hotline. This agency connects victims to various services that provide support economically, emotionally, physically in the form of shelters, and other support. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233 
Please know that there are many people out there who are supportive, who care, and will help whatever way they can.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Take the dogs (or re-home them) and go.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Get your family involved immediately. 

Maybe even get your parents and your sister all on a Zoom call and get this out in the open. You need their help, this is what family is about. 

Wouldn’t you want to know if your sister was going through all of this? Forget being embarrassed. You need support. 

Please, give your family the full picture and they will help you with a personalized plan of escape.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband is, well, he sounds like a nightmare. I, too, married before I turned 20 and I, too, lived to regret it. Please take an older lady's advice.

* Get a lawyer and start the divorce

* He will have to fairly divide assets and possibly pay alimony for a short time. If you qualify at all, it's usually half the length of the marriage for a short term marriage like yours. If he doesn't like it, too bad. If he threatens you or to harm himself, call the police to do a wellness check and then let the professionals deal with him. Ask for one of the cars in the divorce as part of the asset split.

* Whatever you do , DO NOT get pregnant.

*If you have to take the pets and stay with your sister, do it. The priority is ending this bad marriage. You can get your bearings, come up with a plan, get a job, get a certificate or degree, whatever you want, from there.

* Remember, it;s far easier to start over at 23 than 25 or 35 with years of no work history. You're so young that if you leave now it will barely be a blip. 

* Trust me, you are far from the first young person to marry in error. Your divorce might be gossip fodder for a few weeks, but people will get bored fast and move on to juicier topics.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AliceA said:


> Where I live we had a case of a woman who had a relationship that was controlled like that. Every move she made was monitored and it only got worse as time went on. He didn't physically abuse her from what I've read, but everything else was under his control. When she finally took their children and left, he killed them all. What you are experiencing may not seem like a dangerous situation, but please be extremely careful. Look for advice and help. Talk to your family about your situation. I would seriously consider asking for help from your family to pack up and leave while he's at work, leave a note that your safe but it's not working for you and go live with them until you can get back on your feet. Screw working it out amicably. I'd just get the hell out.


I'm in Oz too, the case that @AliceA is referring to is particularly horrific. The coward then killed himself. What that monster did to his wife and children is absolutely horrifying.

OP the most dangerous time for you, will be when you leave. You must ensure that you have a strong support system, that is essential.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kitkat8888 said:


> Another fear of mine is- I know the divorce will be a complete and utter nightmare. On top of being a petty person, he's also extremely focused on money. Money means everything to him, and I know he will fight to the death to not have to share it at all. *He's always mentioned how stupid alimony is, and how expensive divorce is, and hinted at killing himself if he was forced to have to give someone x amount of his money every month or what he would do if he lost his money.*
> So, that will be a complete and utter nightmare and I'm scared of having to deal with all of that. I also can't even imagine how expensive it would be to have to get a lawyer and deal with that battle. I'm also not sure how it would be if I were to try and divorce, knowing it will be a battle, while I lived in a seperate state.


He won't, that's a typical abuser manipulation tactic.

However, if he did, oh well - you'll get the lot.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Whatever you do please do not knock out kids with this scumbag.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Is there a local woman's safe shelter? They are kept confidential. The local YMCA/YWCA, police or fire department can locate one for you--should you need immediate escape while you are in process.

His ideas are entrenched. His family of origin must have been difficult.

You can rent a vehicle for a one-way trip. Local churches may be able to help with some sustaining finances.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kitkat8888 said:


> Another fear of mine is- I know the divorce will be a complete and utter nightmare. On top of being a petty person, he's also extremely focused on money. Money means everything to him, and I know he will fight to the death to not have to share it at all. He's always mentioned how stupid alimony is, and how expensive divorce is, and hinted at killing himself if he was forced to have to give someone x amount of his money every month or what he would do if he lost his money.
> So, that will be a complete and utter nightmare and I'm scared of having to deal with all of that. I also can't even imagine how expensive it would be to have to get a lawyer and deal with that battle. I'm also not sure how it would be if I were to try and divorce, knowing it will be a battle, while I lived in a seperate state.


Threatening suicide is another controlling and manipulative tactic he is using. You will need to get a good lawyer and leave it to them to sort out. Once you go to be with your sister you can look for work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kitkat8888 You need several things to improve your life. The first is a shark of a divorce lawyer, a divorce, a move back home and eventually a man who will make a good husband. Because the man you have at the moment is faulty and needs replacing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP When he is at work visit a local attorney. Most the first visit is free. Then quietly start preparing your heirlooms for travel. Then wait until he is just headed to work pack your car with your heirlooms, dogs and go. Leave a note telling him you are going to have dinner with a friend and you'll be back late. This gives you a 14-16 hour head start. Use his card to fill the gas tank until it doesn't work anymore then switch to yours. * Do not use his card for any motel room. * Drive to your parents house. So what if the car is in his name, the lawyer can figure out if you get to keep it or not. Get out and to your parents safely. Then have the lawyer file for divorce. You will get something in the divorce but just getting out safely is the important thing. Or if you want you could rent a car or large van a few days rental one way would be a couple hundred dollars and then gas and hotel. That would all fit on a $700 card.


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