# I should have never gotten married....



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I've been married for 6 years to a great woman. We just always seem to be at each others throats. A simple question can lead to a blow up argument on both our parts. We both seem to hold onto a lot of resentment. 

When one of us shuts down, the other is then nice. Once the playing field is back to even, the arguments, snarky remarks begin again. 

This has been happening since before we were even married, but apparently we were both to dumb to see it as a problem.

As I get older/mature, I'm just flat our sick of it. 

I should have never gotten married.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is why men need to know game if they want a happy marriage.

While that is not a guarantee, it is a requirement, other than for the vanishingly small percentage of married men who are natural alphas.

Of course married game is the hardest type, because you can't "next" your wife if she doesn't respond the way you want her to...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

technovelist said:


> This is why men need to know game if they want a happy marriage.
> 
> While that is not a guarantee, it is a requirement, other than for the vanishingly small percentage of married men who are natural alphas.
> 
> Of course married game is the hardest type, because you can't "next" your wife if she doesn't respond the way you want her to...


or find a woman that doesn't play games (or even knows how to).

That's what i did.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> or find a woman that doesn't play games (or even knows how to).
> 
> That's what i did.


Women don't have to know game.
Men do.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It is possible to break the cycle of toxic communication. For a long time my wife and I had a similar problem. I set out to break the pattern and worked to understand her point of view rather than immediately being dismissive of it. After some time she did the same and we pulled ourselves out of the cycle.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

meson said:


> It is possible to break the cycle of toxic communication. For a long time my wife and I had a similar problem. I set out to break the pattern and worked to understand her point of view rather than immediately being dismissive of it. After some time she did the same and we pulled ourselves out of the cycle.


We've had the talk about it and pulled ourselves out of it time and time again, only to fall right back into our old ways. 


Some days i think we are just toxic for each other.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> *I've been married for 6 years to a great woman. We just always seem to be at each others throats.*


I honestly had to smile at your opener.

I think your definition of great woman and mine seems to differ.
A great woman isn't going to be at your throat.
Likewise, a great woman would not give you reason to be at her throat.

Resentment is an absolute relationship killer. 

There's not a lot of detail here so...
- What do you resent her for?
- What does she resent you for?

Why did you marry her in the first place? What were the qualities that you found made her a "great woman?"


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Ol'Pal said:


> We've had the talk about it and pulled ourselves out of it time and time again, only to fall right back into our old ways.
> 
> 
> Some days i think we are just toxic for each other.


The critical part is to also identify the resentment and deal with it. It needs to be let go otherwise it's just like steam building up until the next blowup. If you can't identify and fins resolution to the resentment you each have then perhaps it's best to dissolve the marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

technovelist said:


> Women don't have to know game.
> Men do.


There is such a thing as girl game, though, and many women do play at it.

Agreed though about finding a woman that doesn't play games. A serious relationship has no room for games and fun can be had for both people without such tactics.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

technovelist said:


> Women don't have to know game.
> Men do.


i disagree. 

men need game so they can dance to a women's game.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It takes two to argue.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you want to try to make it work, I suggest you work together to identify the dynamic that makes you at each other's throats. Give it a name if you want... because it's just that -- a dynamic.

Then find ways to not enable that dynamic.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Satya said:


> I honestly had to smile at your opener.
> 
> I think your definition of great woman and mine seems to differ.
> A great woman isn't going to be at your throat.
> ...


Great woman as in the biggest, most caring heart for everyone she encounters. She really is a great individual. Maybe just not the "right" individual for me.

Resentment. one particular event, We were newly dating....She had left her email open and I found a message she had sent to another friend stating that she had slept with another guy, the event had happened roughly a year prior to my finding out, this minimized it in my mind at the time i guess.. My world was a train wreck at that time, probably not thinking clearly. She creeps OM facebook to this day. This really gets at my soul, I've never cheated on anyone, at any time in my life. I'm over reacting or bringing up the past in her book.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

anchorwatch said:


> It takes two to argue.


Absolutely.. And I'm wore out from it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: I should have never gotten married....*



Ol'Pal said:


> Absolutely.. And I'm wore out from it.


Then stop yourself.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> Great woman as in the biggest, most caring heart for everyone she encounters. She really is a great individual. Maybe just not the "right" individual for me.
> 
> Resentment. one particular event, I was deployed. we were newly dating and she couldn't wait. I found out about it 10 months after I had returned home. She had left her email open and I found a message she had sent to another friend stating what had happened. My world was a train wreck at that time, probably not thinking clearly. She creeps OM facebook to this day. This really gets at my soul, I've never cheated on anyone, at any time in my life. I'm over reacting or bringing up the past in her book.


Sorry to hear that she ended up cheating on you while you were deployed. I realize this is a pretty common thing to happen (not that it makes it acceptable) and it's quite traumatic, especially having learned about it so long afterward. 

Was there any ambiguity surrounding "dating" and whether it was agreed that you two were exclusive?

The fact that she is still looking at OM's facebook is a really big red flag. She hasn't detached properly. Until she completely lets him go there's not much of a chance for you two to even begin to reconnect (if that's what you want). If you've given up already then there's not much more to be done other than divorce.

Honestly, you shouldn't have forgiven her for the cheating the first time. That's IF you had both agreed that you were exclusive. If you didn't agree to exclusivity pre your deployment, she was free to do what she wanted as were you. So, if she truly cheated, you found out about her true nature 10 months later, which is later but not never... and you should have let her go then.

She's showing you she's not marriage material. I think that based on your post and responses, you're looking for a woman that is. It's never too late to find her.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Satya said:


> Sorry to hear that she ended up cheating on you while you were deployed. I realize this is a pretty common thing to happen (not that it makes it acceptable) and it's quite traumatic, especially having learned about it so long afterward.
> 
> Was there any ambiguity surrounding "dating" and whether it was agreed that you two were exclusive?
> 
> ...



Awesome response Satya,

Looking back, There shouldn't have been any ambiguity for either of us. And you are right, I should have ended it when i found out almost a year later. But, like i said, I wasn't in a good place mentally at the time, and we had had a lot of good times between the occurrence and me finding out about it so i thought i could put it behind us. 

While she is looking at his FB from time to time, I don't believe there is any communication between them. The only apology i ever got from her was when i found out, and it was basically a begging apology so i didn't leave. Which in my mind, she is only sorry she got caught.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

While hopefully we learn and grow from prior relationships, they belong in the past. Her creeping the ther other guy is a hugh red flag. If this was a fire it most likely the point of origin. Shr needs to understand this and act on it. Read F-102 thoughts on EA.

Cphttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html

I know her reactions will be, huh? I am just interested in keeping up with old friends ! Er, fireman do not recommend leaving gasoline soaked rags laying around. No one can withstand the daily comparision with a past lover. She dose not get it, tough, this is your reality and she needs to support you in this matter. 

It is a fine line between controlling behavior and healthy boundies. Both of you find a mentor who you agree upon and explore the subject. 

Be firm in this matter. It is as simple as a resolution fir you "I knew this was going to happen guy" and for "I never thought in a million years gal."

Continue posting and we discuss the subject in greater depth.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

JohnA said:


> While hopefully we learn and grow from prior relationships, they belong in the past. Her creeping the ther other guy is a hugh red flag. If this was a fire it most likely the point of origin. Shr needs to understand this and act on it. Read F-102 thoughts on EA.
> 
> Cphttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html
> 
> ...


Whoa, That f-102's thoughts really shed some light or dim it....

I'm not totally sure what I want to become of our marriage at this point.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ol'Pal,

Even if there's no direct communication between them on FB, she's still stalking him there, which means there is still interest and longing. She doesn't have to write to him to know what he's doing and to keep that "connection" going.

Also, are you sure she's not messaging him? Do you have access to her FB account?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Satya said:


> Ol'Pal,
> 
> Even if there's no direct communication between them on FB, she's still stalking him there, which means there is still interest and longing. She doesn't have to write to him to know what he's doing and to keep that "connection" going.
> 
> Also, are you sure she's not messaging him? Do you have access to her FB account?


I do have access, I deleted him from her friends list some time ago and it has stayed that way. She still can creep around on his page though.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Find out this morning that she deleted her facebook search history showing that she had searched for him. 


I've basically been shutdown and not communicating, which I know isn't good but I cant help it. She's really been trying, making sure supper is on the table and the like. 

What really grinds my gears, she only wants affection when I withhold it. Why is that?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Well i called her on her crap last night. She got pissed right away "are we seriously doing this!?! its not a big deal" I told her it was a big deal and she could see i was very serious. She then gave me the "im scared of you BS(which she has no reason to be by the way)

She said nothing had happened and she hadn't cared or talked to him in years. I said obviously she did care or she wouldnt have looked. She then goes on to say she was only looking at his facebook because she heard that he'd had a kid. I asked her why the f that mattered and she said it didn't and that it was stupid for her to have cared. I said but you still did care though stupid or not. Then she went on to tell me that she loved me and would be lost without me and i was her heart. blah blah blah. 


The more we talked the more i could feel my ears getting hot, so i loaded up the trash and took it to the dump. We really didnt speak the rest of the night.

I just really dont feel anything when im around her lately.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Shut her out completely. Totally ignore her presence. Don't leave (it's still your house too). Only answer questions, with short answers, don't expound. Don't ask ANY questions, DO NOT ask for ANYTHING from her.

Indulge in your hobbies, on your own. Don't ask for her participation. Do your own thing. Do your household chores, silently.

The above is what worked for me. I'd go flying, motorcycling, shooting, or take the boat to the lake. Never told her where I was going or what I was doing, just went.

When My dad was in the hospital for a month, she'd ask questions about him, one word answers was all I gave her. He passed away last October, after the month in the hospital. 
When I broke my wrist in January(really a bad break), all she knew about it was what I told our daughters. My brother took me to the hospital for the surgery. Wife kept asking where the surgery was being done, I wouldn't tell her. Pretty much ignored all her questions.

I did this for a full year. I was never hateful, I always had a smile on, enjoying life. <shrug> This REALLY got her attention. It was obvious to her at this point, I really didn't NEED her. 

Our grown daughters were sensing a problem and suggested we do a weekend get-a-way. So we did.
Then we talked. It's been great the past 3 months.

One important thing though, is, you ABSOLUTELY cannot blow-up. If the conversation starts getting "heated", you HAVE to walk off, calmly. And remember, the only person that can allow someone to take advantage of you, is you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> I've been married for 6 years to a great woman. We just always seem to be at each others throats. A simple question can lead to a blow up argument on both our parts. We both seem to hold onto a lot of resentment.
> 
> When one of us shuts down, the other is then nice. Once the playing field is back to even, the arguments, snarky remarks begin again.
> 
> ...


Simple.

Sit your wife down, tell her you are sick and tired of what you BOTH do and find a solution.

Don't give up.

Work it out.

Now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I used to believe arguing was the sign of a problematic relationship. I am not convinced that avoidance is. To argue one must trust that he is in an environment of safety where he (or she) can express themselves freely (even loudly). That requires trust. Couples who fear open disagreement don't trust each other. They rarely argue but they also rarely honestly communicate and rarely solve any problems or come to any compromise.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I used to believe arguing was the sign of a problematic relationship. I am not convinced that avoidance is. To argue one must trust that he is in an environment of safety where he (or she) can express themselves freely (even loudly). That requires trust. Couples who fear open disagreement don't trust each other. They rarely argue but they also rarely honestly communicate and rarely solve any problems or come to any compromise.


You just hit the nail on the head, My wife and I to a T.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Honestly?

If she doesn't see why creeping on her affair partners Facebook page is an issue for her?

Eject. 

Years later, and she still doesn't get it. If she doesn't by now, she never will. 

Total lack of accountability and projection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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