# After 8 months separation we are together again



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Long story short. Last year we separated and was on the verge of divorce basically my husband wasn't "in love" and felt he missed out on something since we'd been together since 17 etc, there was no cheating or anything. Anyways fast forward to June 2017 we're back together and couldn't be happier, we're planning another vacation and from my point of view everything is perfect. We chose to put the past behind us and never speak of it again. The only problems is I'm still dealing with hurt and anxiety. I still find myself worrying he will leave again, He will want someone better, He will get bored of me etc. I am also becoming jealous of other girls.. Last friday I was in tears from worry he wants someone else. He hugged me and told me to stop and he wants to no one else etc but I cant control it. I dont want to ruin things from how I am acting but I feel a need for constant reassurance from him. I get upset over things and he feels he can't do anything right when this happens. He had to give a female co-worker a ride home and I was livid from it.. I hate being jealous and feeling this way. I have no reason to believe he is cheating or is interested in anyone else its just my own problems and I feel so childish and immature.. He asked why I was angry he gave someone a ride home and I said bc she might try something, his response was so you don't trust me is the problem? Which I do but I am still scared after everything that happened last year even though it did not involve another girl... 

Any advice helps.:nerd:


----------



## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

roxy2016 said:


> Long story short. Last year we separated and was on the verge of divorce basically my husband wasn't "in love" and felt he missed out on something since we'd been together since 17 etc, there was no cheating or anything. Anyways fast forward to June 2017 we're back together and couldn't be happier, we're planning another vacation and from my point of view everything is perfect. We chose to put the past behind us and never speak of it again. The only problems is I'm still dealing with hurt and anxiety. I still find myself worrying he will leave again, He will want someone better, He will get bored of me etc. I am also becoming jealous of other girls.. Last friday I was in tears from worry he wants someone else. He hugged me and told me to stop and he wants to no one else etc but I cant control it. I dont want to ruin things from how I am acting but I feel a need for constant reassurance from him. I get upset over things and he feels he can't do anything right when this happens. He had to give a female co-worker a ride home and I was livid from it.. I hate being jealous and feeling this way. I have no reason to believe he is cheating or is interested in anyone else its just my own problems and I feel so childish and immature.. He asked why I was angry he gave someone a ride home and I said bc she might try something, his response was so you don't trust me is the problem? Which I do but I am still scared after everything that happened last year even though it did not involve another girl...
> 
> Any advice helps.:nerd:


If you sit him down and explain how you're feeling I bet it will help easy some tension between you if there is any. Then I think you should go to counseling. Going through something like that is very hard on you and it take a while to recover. It's awesome that you guys have chosen to reconcile but there's more to it than that. Even if you can't get him to do marriage counseling you should definitely do individual counselling to help you recover from the blow to your ego and self-esteem. Ultimately it sounds like you may be dependent on him for validation which he cannot give you all the time. You need to be able to validate yourself and not be so dependent on him. Once you realize that things will get easier. 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Roxy while i am happy for the both of you, what you are feeling is extremely valid and must be address in some form of couple therapy. he has to put some skin in the game if he is to stay, he needs to do some heavy lifting to demonstrate to you that he is going to stay and stay happy with you.


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> If you sit him down and explain how you're feeling I bet it will help easy some tension between you if there is any. Then I think you should go to counseling. Going through something like that is very hard on you and it take a while to recover. It's awesome that you guys have chosen to reconcile but there's more to it than that. Even if you can't get him to do marriage counseling you should definitely do individual counselling to help you recover from the blow to your ego and self-esteem. Ultimately it sounds like you may be dependent on him for validation which he cannot give you all the time. You need to be able to validate yourself and not be so dependent on him. Once you realize that things will get easier.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


Well he does give me validation but I can see it frustrates him that I cant just let go and fully trust him not to hurt me again. Also I feel as if I cant get upset, I cant complain and I cant make mistakes bc if I do he will leave. I told him this and it upset him very much bc he doesn't want me feeling that way. He is the one that started reconciling, I wasn't begging him back or trying at that point so that should give me some relief and it does but I am a natural worry and have anxiety to begin with. I am going to try and talk him about.


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Roxy while i am happy for the both of you, what you are feeling is extremely valid and must be address in some form of couple therapy. he has to put some skin in the game if he is to stay, he needs to do some heavy lifting to demonstrate to you that he is going to stay and stay happy with you.


That's a really going point. I feel like he thinks since we put it behind us everything is perfect and we can just move on but obviously there is still hurt for me.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he date while you were separated?


----------



## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

roxy2016 said:


> Well he does give me validation but I can see it frustrates him that I cant just let go and fully trust him not to hurt me again. Also I feel as if I cant get upset, I cant complain and I cant make mistakes bc if I do he will leave. I told him this and it upset him very much bc he doesn't want me feeling that way. He is the one that started reconciling, I wasn't begging him back or trying at that point so that should give me some relief and it does but I am a natural worry and have anxiety to begin with. I am going to try and talk him about.


Maybe validation is the wrong word but I can't think of a better one. Either way you're insecurity is totally valid and unfortunately part of the aftermath that comes with separating and reconciling. You husband very well could have put it behind him and wants to continue life lime it never happened. That's a very man thing to do. Men can compartmentalize much better than women. 

Regardless, you guys need to Hash things out in a structured setting so that you can move past your insecuritie and he can lean how to help you do that.

Definitely communicate to him how you are feeling

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Did he date while you were separated?


No.


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> Maybe validation is the wrong word but I can't think of a better one. Either way you're insecurity is totally valid and unfortunately part of the aftermath that comes with separating and reconciling. You husband very well could have put it behind him and wants to continue life lime it never happened. That's a very man thing to do. Men can compartmentalize much better than women.
> 
> Regardless, you guys need to Hash things out in a structured setting so that you can move past your insecuritie and he can lean how to help you do that.
> 
> ...


Thanks I am definitely going to talk to him and try not to get upset and explain deeper into it


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

roxy2016 said:


> No.


Why did he want to separate?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What makes you think he didn't cheat on you, or date while you were separated?? You specifically said 'there was no cheating'. What made you specify that? If it wasn't on your mind you wouldn't have said that.

Any guy who uses the excuse that he's 'not in love' with you any more or that he 'missed out' because you were so young when you got together is looking to sow wild oats.


----------



## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

First of all its so amazing to hear you got back together after 8 months separated. We dont hear enough about reconciliations, and they give hope to others who want to fix their marriages.

About your constant jealousy and anxiety - not good! Try and take it easy on that, and if necessary reach out to a councilor.


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

So I talked to my H and he was understanding to an extent but feels I don't trust him and that's really upsetting for him. He told me to stop worrying that nothing is gonna happen and he isnt going anywhere. Which made me feel great. However I'm finding myself watching everything for instance if he doesn't say "I love you" and just says 'love you" Then in my head I'm thinking wow he must not mean it if he cant say the "I" or if he doesn't hug me right away or kiss me right before bed etc, my head starts filling with thoughts of he wants to leave, he doesn't love me, he is bored of me... I've talked to him about that and he said I am over thinking things and he feels he cant do anything and every move is being watched. I feel like if I don't get affection 100% of the time now from him then something MUST be wrong. I know this is toxic to our relationship and marriage and things have been so good lately.

How do I stop being this way? 

Thanks everyone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

roxy2016 said:


> That's a really going point. I feel like he thinks since we put it behind us everything is perfect and we can just move on but obviously there is still hurt for me.


Sounds just like a cheater. Exact same thing they say. How are you proving that he's not seeing anyone else?

As for you, if you've been together since 17, my guess is you don't know how to be independent. What was life like after he moved out? What did you do?


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Get into therapy.


----------



## roxy2016 (Sep 22, 2016)

turnera said:


> roxy2016 said:
> 
> 
> > That's a really going point. I feel like he thinks since we put it behind us everything is perfect and we can just move on but obviously there is still hurt for me.
> ...


I can prove it bc the only places he goes is work and home we spend all the extra time together I have access to everything. I appreciate the advice but I did not make this post to hear oh he is a cheater etc... sure while we separated he could have very well been with someone but I have no way of ever proving that all I can do is take his word which I chose to do to save my marriage months ago. And everything was fine when I was on my own I worked payed my bills with no help from anyone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My point is that he is exuding an entitled attitude, just like cheaters do. Like 'get over it already.' 

So he wanted to see what was out there, and after he did for awhile, he realized what he had back at home was all he needed? I'm just trying to make sure he's back for the right reasons.

If you're sure he's being a perfect husband, then the issue is your self worth, so you'll want to address that in therapy.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

roxy2016 said:


> I can prove it bc the only places he goes is work and home we spend all the extra time together I have access to everything. I appreciate the advice but I did not make this post to hear oh he is a cheater etc... sure while we separated he could have very well been with someone but I have no way of ever proving that all I can do is take his word which I chose to do to save my marriage months ago. And everything was fine when I was on my own I worked payed my bills with no help from anyone.


Gotta be honest - unless you've been surgically attached to him at his hip, you can't 'prove' anything.

So many people have made the mistake of thinking their spouses couldn't *possibly* be cheating on them because they were always either 'at work or at home.' What these people *don't* realize is HOW much opportunity cheaters actually* have *to get away with their dirty deeds during the weekday. Lunch hours, leaving an hour early for a supposed doctor's appt., coming in an hour late due to a 'flat tire,' and the list just goes on and on and on. People can FIND an hour or two of time during the day if they want to. Realistically, they can't take time off every day, but they can certainly occasionally make it happen.

Many cheaters have had trysts going on in supply closets, storage areas, stairwells, empty suites in the same building, and the list just goes on and on. A couple years ago, someone reported to HR that they were smelling 'smoke' somewhere out on the production floor, so my boss (HR Manager) had to go find where the source of the smoke was coming from. She and the Operations Manager checked various rooms/areas off the production floor where employees aren't supposed to go and guess what they found in one of the electrical rooms? Not the mystery smoker but they DID find two very embarrassed employees, both married, 'hanging out' together and hidden away during break-time. I'm pretty sure that wasn't their first time in there but I'm willing to bet both employees probably got home every night at the same time. And like you, both of _their_ spouses would have said the same thing - "that they couldn't possibly be cheating because they were always either at work or at home."

And since he had 8 months of freedom during your separation, it would be the height of naivete to think he wasn't seeing other women on the sly.

So you can't be 100% SURE of anything - being naive will get the rug pulled right out from underneath you.

I agree with the others that since he's been 'committed' since he was a teenage boy, he was definitely feeling the need to sow his wild oats, and I think that's exactly what he did. Sorry.


----------



## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Don't forget pretending to take a biz trip but never leave town. But you find vacation time taken off the paycheck. 

Call in sick from office but leave home for the day. Again, paycheck. A BJ in the car anytime. 

If he's not mature enough to be married. He will not be mature enough to be responsible.

Wake up. He's put the blame on you for your honest feelings. He is no where near being responsible for his actions that caused your reaction to HIS behaviors. 

He owns his actions not you. Don't let him turn this on you. He needs to earn your trust and love. This is just not right. Just wait. He got away with bad behavior. He's enabled for more. 

I see nothing but manipulation, lies, coverups, blame. Sorry.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

roxy2016 said:


> I did not make this post to hear oh he is a cheater etc...


You brought it up. I ask again, if you aren't worried about it, why did you specify it in your OP??

I think if you were being honest you'd admit that he's an entitled ******* and probably cheated on you more than once. But hey, if you're not ready to admit that yet, that's fine. Please do get into some therapy for yourself though.


----------

