# New here - Traumatizing experience



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

We met at match.com in 2001, got married in 2004, we have 3 children, 8, 6 and 2. Our marriage was never been good, he was controlling, condescending, I don’t want to be controlled so I retaliate, when he tried to change, I didn’t believe him so we stayed in this cycle of no progress of getting our marriage in the right track. May 2014 I had enough and I left the house part-time (2 to 3 nights a week) to get away from him, I wanted to take my children but I know this is only temporary and I didn’t want to disturbed their life until I know what I wanted to do. He’s the primary care taker of the kids because he decided that he doesn’t want to work anymore. I come home 4 to 5 times a week to be with my children (I stayed in the house on those days). We still did things as a family, going out to eat, went to the zoo, etc. We never talked about separation but I did talked to a lawyer about divorce but never went through with it, I’m not ready that I just want time away from him. He tried to get me back full time by sending me flowers, talked to me about staying. August of 2014, I came back full time and resume our marriage. In September we had a big fall out again but this time I stayed and by November I tried to come back in our marriage fully but he told me, he doesn’t want to be married anymore and that he barely had feelings for me but he said he will think about it. Couple of days before the Dday, I had a surgery and he told me he love me and I told him not to leave me so I thought this is a new progress for us.

On 11/17/2014 his phone malfunction and I saw the text from the OW. Lied to me that he met her in a depression forum, so I started investigating and found the OW number. Texted her, told me that my WH is divorced and that I don’t have a visitation rights to see my children, that I have mental illness, spoiled etc. Then she told me that he met her at match.com and that he slept with another person over the summer that he met at match.com too. 

What I found out was:

1.	2 weeks after I “left”, he signed up at match.com pretending to be separated-divorce
2.	Created google voice so the potential OWs will not know what his real number
3.	Used me as his babysitter to go out with his girlfriends – Lied to my face that he needs a break from taking care of the children, he was going to watch a double header movie, he’s going to help a friend to move out, etc.
4.	Went to Florida with her and paid almost $3,000.00 for 3 days (he told me his friend invited him to stay with him) – I took a vacation day from work so I can stay with the kids because I though he’s been taking care of them he deserve to go
5.	Brought my 14 months old daughter to his lunch dates
6.	Made out with her while my daughter was in the back of the car
7.	*Worse revelation was: He brought the OW in my house had sex in my bed several times while my children was sleeping in the bedrooms. He said, he thought that I was not there and the kids were asleep and wants to see her so he invited her over. She came over about 2 to 3 times for about week for 8 weeks.*
8.	After he got dumped by the OW, we had a fall out again Sept 2014 he signed up again with match.com again and found the second OW.

I tried to stay with him for 9 months, I thought about my children and I still love him and he is completely remorseful but I can’t. The severity of his infidelities is too much to take. *I filed 6 weeks ago *and it breaks my heart so much that my children lives are going to change because of my decision and their father decision to cheat. 

So far we are in process of a big custody battle, he feels that the children needs to stay with him because he’s the primary care giver (the only reason why he’s the primary care because he chose not to work anymore). I offered him 50/50 but he refused.

This experience is so traumatizing for me that it change my point of view of marriage, trust and my life. I grew with a father who cheated left and right and I told him I don’t want that life but here I am, married to a cheater, a future divorcee and a future single parent. This suck! 

Sorry about a long post


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesnt work? Cut off his funds. File.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> He doesnt work? Cut off his funds. File.


I agree. 

How does he support himself? Where does the money come for 3K vacation?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Ideservedbetter said:


> I still love him


Really? 

If you started dating someone else and he treated you the way your husband has; if he was a cheater and a deadbeat - just like your husband; could you love that person? 

If your answer is no; then I suggest that you are in love with a version of your husband that no longer exists.

Stay on course. Dump him.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

> How does he support himself? Where does the money come for 3K vacation?


He had saved a lot of money on his own before and after our marriage. He had a high paying job, he lost the job in 2013

He only paid $6K on our wedding but he spent $3K for 3 days vacation on her, now I know how much I'm worth. Before we got married, every time we went on vacation, I had to pay part or half of it so now he pays 100% even though he doesn't have a job


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Ideservedbetter said:


> He had saved a lot of money on his own before and after our marriage. He had a high paying job, he lost the job in 2013
> 
> He only paid $6K on our wedding but he spent $3K for 3 days vacation on her, now I know how much I'm worth. Before we got married, every time we went on vacation, I had to pay part or half of it so now he pays 100% even though he doesn't have a job


Correction now you paid 100% for his vacation. DUMP THIS DUDE!!


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I tried to stay with him for 9 months, I thought about my children and I still love him and he is completely remorseful but I can’t. The severity of his infidelities is too much to take. *I filed 6 weeks ago *and it breaks my heart so much that my children lives are going to change because of my decision and their father decision to cheat. 

So far we are in process of a big custody battle, he feels that the children needs to stay with him because he’s the primary care giver (the only reason why he’s the primary care because he chose not to work anymore). I offered him 50/50 but he refused.

This experience is so traumatizing for me that it change my point of view of marriage, trust and my life. I grew with a father who cheated left and right and I told him I don’t want that life but here I am, married to a cheater, a future divorcee and a future single parent. This suck! 

Sorry about a long post[/QUOTE]

Yes; your kids lives are going to change; however you would not want them growing up with a Dad who has cheated on their Mom. It is OK that you don't feel you can work through this and stay married. I also struggled with this one; the guilt about THE decision that was going to affect my children. I was the one making it; and my Mr. Cheater Pants reminded me of that a few times. Keep this in mind: he already affected their lives and the rest is just the fallout and consequences from his choice. Fallout isn't always a bad thing. Things are going to change for you and them, but you no longer have to put up with his BS. He sucks for bringing his AP into your bed while your kids were sleeping no less?!? That is total BS.

He can refuse 50/50 all he wants and it doesn't mean s***. Talk to your lawyer about this. I am sure your lawyer will find it "interesting" that he is capable of working but chooses not to. I am sure it was nice to have him home to take care of them, but things are different now. Get yourself to a lawyer and find out what options you have. There are solutions to your situation.

I also had a Dad who cheated on my Mom; but not until I was an adult. This does not doom you in anyway to have failed relationships in the future but it is OK to feel like this right now. Above all; remember that you did not force him to contact these women, you did not make the arrangements to meet up for sex, etc. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is all on him. Yes you are making the decision to divorce~but he also had a hand in this. Repeat several times a day if you need to. Also; a suggestion to get into some IC even for short term. It can do wonders to help manage all of this.


----------



## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

put the marital bed outside have the garbage collector crush it! if the city ordinance allows it burn it!

humph! utter disappointment on you WH.
the marital bed is a sacred space and a sacred place.
only sick people would cheat on the marital bed.

don't ever back away from 50/50 custody.
or else child support payments to him would increase!


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Get yourself a really good lawyer. i guess you are the breadwinner? Make sure you take copies of all the necessary documents from the house, especially details of his money, savings accounts, etc. Hopefully you can get your lawyer to dwell on his cheating with women from online and young kids around etc. 
Ensure you have a place the kids can come to, etc so that the court will be more inclined to give you equal or more custody.

Do not entertain any thoughts of R with this man, he is not worth it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs a job. 

Cut off his funding legally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

A question for those with experience here: Is this creep able to get spousal support because he doesn't work? If I were in this situation, I'd cut him off financially.

What a slimeball, and less than a man.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You said he was trying to change his behavior but you did not believe him and started staying out/overnight away from home 2-3 nights a week. 

In that situation I would feel like a baby sitter and my wife had an AP was out screwing around 2-3 times a week. But... He should have filed before getting a girlfriend.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> I tried to stay with him for 9 months, I thought about my children and I still love him and he is completely remorseful but I can’t. The severity of his infidelities is too much to take. *I filed 6 weeks ago *and it breaks my heart so much that my children lives are going to change because of my decision and their father decision to cheat.
> 
> So far we are in process of a big custody battle, he feels that the children needs to stay with him because he’s the primary care giver (the only reason why he’s the primary care because he chose not to work anymore). I offered him 50/50 but he refused.
> 
> ...


Yes; your kids lives are going to change; however you would not want them growing up with a Dad who has cheated on their Mom. It is OK that you don't feel you can work through this and stay married. I also struggled with this one; the guilt about THE decision that was going to affect my children. I was the one making it; and my Mr. Cheater Pants reminded me of that a few times. Keep this in mind: he already affected their lives and the rest is just the fallout and consequences from his choice. Fallout isn't always a bad thing. Things are going to change for you and them, but you no longer have to put up with his BS. He sucks for bringing his AP into your bed while your kids were sleeping no less?!? That is total BS.

He can refuse 50/50 all he wants and it doesn't mean s***. Talk to your lawyer about this. I am sure your lawyer will find it "interesting" that he is capable of working but chooses not to. I am sure it was nice to have him home to take care of them, but things are different now. Get yourself to a lawyer and find out what options you have. There are solutions to your situation.

I also had a Dad who cheated on my Mom; but not until I was an adult. This does not doom you in anyway to have failed relationships in the future but it is OK to feel like this right now. Above all; remember that you did not force him to contact these women, you did not make the arrangements to meet up for sex, etc. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is all on him. Yes you are making the decision to divorce~but he also had a hand in this. Repeat several times a day if you need to. Also; a suggestion to get into some IC even for short term. It can do wonders to help manage all of this.[/QUOTE]



5Creed

It bothers me that you feel the way you do about your decision, the decision to divorce. I hope OP reads this to better understand what I'm about to say with your decision. 5Creed, do not regret your decision at all, do not feel bad about your decision, do not feel bad that you need to live healthy. You are not making a decision, rather you are reacting to a decision made by your husband. You did not ask for this to be placed on you, it was dumped upon you by a husband who can't make an adult choice. Therefore you have to be the adult, you need to figure out what is best for you and your children. His choice will have a reaction, and you are faced with two, reconcile or divorce. 

Because your reaction is divorce is not a something you can feel bad about, it simply means for you to be healthy you need to divorce. Your children will need a healthy mom to care and raise them to be fine young adults. They need a parent who can make good decisions when facing adversity. They need a parent with morals, strong desire to succeed, and has weathered storms. That is you 5Creed, and it will need to be OP. So stand tall, be firm, and begin your process to heal for your children are going to need you. You will also need your children. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

drifting on said:


> Yes; your kids lives are going to change; however you would not want them growing up with a Dad who has cheated on their Mom. It is OK that you don't feel you can work through this and stay married. I also struggled with this one; the guilt about THE decision that was going to affect my children. I was the one making it; and my Mr. Cheater Pants reminded me of that a few times. Keep this in mind: he already affected their lives and the rest is just the fallout and consequences from his choice. Fallout isn't always a bad thing. Things are going to change for you and them, but you no longer have to put up with his BS. He sucks for bringing his AP into your bed while your kids were sleeping no less?!? That is total BS.
> 
> He can refuse 50/50 all he wants and it doesn't mean s***. Talk to your lawyer about this. I am sure your lawyer will find it "interesting" that he is capable of working but chooses not to. I am sure it was nice to have him home to take care of them, but things are different now. Get yourself to a lawyer and find out what options you have. There are solutions to your situation.
> 
> I also had a Dad who cheated on my Mom; but not until I was an adult. This does not doom you in anyway to have failed relationships in the future but it is OK to feel like this right now. Above all; remember that you did not force him to contact these women, you did not make the arrangements to meet up for sex, etc. This is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is all on him. Yes you are making the decision to divorce~but he also had a hand in this. Repeat several times a day if you need to. Also; a suggestion to get into some IC even for short term. It can do wonders to help manage all of this.




5Creed

It bothers me that you feel the way you do about your decision, the decision to divorce. I hope OP reads this to better understand what I'm about to say with your decision. 5Creed, do not regret your decision at all, do not feel bad about your decision, do not feel bad that you need to live healthy. You are not making a decision, rather you are reacting to a decision made by your husband. You did not ask for this to be placed on you, it was dumped upon you by a husband who can't make an adult choice. Therefore you have to be the adult, you need to figure out what is best for you and your children. His choice will have a reaction, and you are faced with two, reconcile or divorce. 

Because your reaction is divorce is not a something you can feel bad about, it simply means for you to be healthy you need to divorce. Your children will need a healthy mom to care and raise them to be fine young adults. They need a parent who can make good decisions when facing adversity. They need a parent with morals, strong desire to succeed, and has weathered storms. That is you 5Creed, and it will need to be OP. So stand tall, be firm, and begin your process to heal for your children are going to need you. You will also need your children. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

drifting on~I have gone back and forth on this one-some days the guilt is crushing and I think I need to stop this whole thing because my kids are going to suffer! They won't be OK! Etc. with all the thoughts late in the night that don't make sense in the morning. Most days; I realize exactly what you said above. I know for a fact this all lies on me for now. My STBX is acting very selfishly and has almost fully checked out of his children's lives. He is gone. It hurts me to the core. I have to and will of course move forward and can't wait for it all to be over with at this point. I have learned a lot about myself the past four years and that is that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I am certainly the healthier parent right now but some days I feel I am barely holding on. My kids are doing well and that is what matters to me now.

Sometimes a wife or husband has no choice but to divorce. In cases like mine and I feel the OP's as well, in the end it truly is better for the whole family. I feel OP has a lot of the same feelings that I did (still do sometimes) and hope that she doesn't make the same mistakes I did in the beginning.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Since he is not working and has been the primary caregiver for the past two years, you will likely have to pay him spousal support, and child support if he is successful in gaining full custody of the children and the odds are in his favor that it will work out that way.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

Double post


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

Ideservedbetter said:


> Since he is not working and has been the primary caregiver for the past two years, you will likely have to pay him spousal support, and child support if he is successful in gaining full custody of the children and the odds are in his favor that it will work out that way.


I will spend every penny I have to fight him over this. If I have to use my leverage of his adultery I will do it. I am not giving up on my children. He needs to work, the court will see it.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

warshaw said:


> Since he is not working and has been the primary caregiver for the past two years, you will likely have to pay him spousal support, and child support if he is successful in gaining full custody of the children and the odds are in his favor that it will work out that way.


I was the primary caregiver for 5 years, I had to go back to work because he refuse to work, we'll see how the court will see this.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ideservedbetter said:


> I was the primary caregiver for 5 years, I had to go back to work because he refuse to work, we'll see how the court will see this.


How did he lose his job? Was he fired for cause or downsizing. If he was at fault most courts look at his earning when he got fired. If downsizing or such they don't though they can look at earnings potential etc. 

It's very state dependent if he can get alimony or not and it's probably wouldn't be for a great deal of time. 

The courts will not like you stayed away from house a couple nights a week, most likely his affair won't be brought into play much but again it's very state dependent and whether adultery can be used for grounds for divorce or its no fault only.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Ideservedbetter said:


> I will spend every penny I have to fight him over this. If I have to use my leverage of his adultery I will do it. I am not giving up on my children. He needs to work, the court will see it.


The courts tend to be pragmatic, meaning that they tend to maintain the status quo. If you've been working and he's been the primary care giver for the last few years, he's got the advantage in regard to gaining custody.

In most areas the courts do not consider adultery when making awards of custody and support, sorry.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I assume by your posts that you are going to divorce your husband.

Your husband has betrayed you and his children and has no respect for you and he refuses to go to work. His tears and so called remorse is not enough. If he was truly remorseful he would want what is best for the children and would admit that you have been a better parent than he is and act accordingly. Now he wants to fight you for the children so that he can get more than 50% custody. He has betrayed his children and their mother, refuse to work, and does not deserve 50% custody. *If he is so remorseful why is he trying to take custody away from you and not even give you 50%?*

Make a plan with your attorney and tap everyone else that you can that can help you go to battle and win. Yes this is going to be a war and according to your posts you need to win because you will be the better parent for the children. In my state the courts look very much at who can provide the best for the children. Unfortunately, in my state, the courts do not take into consideration the betrayals but they have authority over who is going to get the most custody. I think that the state laws about divorce suck and I will never get married gain according to the state. That is for another thread.

I assume that you have greater financial resources so that will be a huge advantage; especially if he has gone through most of his money. Your children are going to be affected and a successful R would probably be best for them. However, R is not always the best option; a resentful marriage is more damaging than a divorce that allows you to heal and become and even better person. You know your husband and your situation better than we do so of course you are going to be the pilot that makes those decision.


A few questions you may want to ask yourself are this:

*Will I be a better person staying in the marriage or leaving? 
Will my children be better off with me staying or divorced*?
Think on this question for the many years ahead not for a relief right now or in the next several months.


If you decide to R then you and he must be in 100% and do the work for years. If you decide to D then go at it 100% and do not tell him your plans. Get yourself in a good position then act!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*File on his lousy a$$ like yesterday! You deserve far, far, better!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

warshaw said:


> The courts tend to be pragmatic, meaning that they tend to maintain the status quo. If you've been working and he's been the primary care giver for the last few years, he's got the advantage in regard to gaining custody.
> 
> In most areas the courts do not consider adultery when making awards of custody and support, sorry.


I don't care if I have to pay alimony (it sucks) but if I have to I will, what important for me to spend time with my children equally. For adultery, we have no faults and fault base divorce, if he doesn't want to work with me, I will prove it in court that he cheated on me, I have proofs. 

Also, the court will frown upon when he can make 2x or even 3x what I'm making but choose not to work. I will make sure that the judge will know that he brought a stranger that he met over the Internet in my house while my children was sleeping and if that's not enough I have one more card that I can play which I really don't want to but I will if push.

At the end of this, the court will see that both of us are capable parents to take care of children because in my state, they usually go for joint custody. So we are going to spend a lot of money for what? To prove who's the better parent? So the court can tell us what I was asking? A Joint custody with 50/50 physical custody.

He also needs to find a job because my support will not be enough and he needs medical insurance as he have a very expensive medical condition. So at the end again, both of us needs to work full time so to be able to tell me that he get more advantage because he was the primary care giver the last 15 months I refuse to believe that because at the end of this there will be no primary care giver and I will fight until it kills me.


----------



## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Whats the other card you can play?


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

warshaw said:


> Whats the other card you can play?


When I found out (the OW confessed) that he brought his OW to my house, he panicked and wanted to commit suicide so I called the police and he was involuntarily checked in a psych ward for 3 days. I don't want to use this as I think this is something deeper problem that he needs to fix within him and I don't want him to dwell on it again. I don't want him to go back in that kind of thinking, even though he hurt me so much I don't want him to hurt or kill himself.


----------



## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Ideservedbetter said:


> When I found out (the OW confessed) that he brought his OW to my house, he panicked and wanted to commit suicide so I called the police and he was involuntarily checked in a psych ward for 3 days. I don't want to use this as I think this is something deeper problem that he needs to fix within him and I don't want him to dwell on it again. I don't want him to go back in that kind of thinking, even though he hurt me so much I don't want him to hurt or kill himself.


They tried using that sort of thing on me during my divorce.

Just because a person has a history of mental problems doesn't mean they're any less of a parent if they can prove they're seeking therapy and appropriate treatment. If he's not doing that then the first thing his attorney will tell him to do is go and get treatment and get a letter from a doctor that he's voluntarily sought the treatment he needs and he's not a danger to himself or anyone and that will be the end of that.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

perol said:


> They tried using that sort of thing on me during my divorce.
> 
> Just because a person has a history of mental problems doesn't mean they're any less of a parent if they can prove they're seeking therapy and appropriate treatment. If he's not doing that then the first thing his attorney will tell him to do is go and get treatment and get a letter from a doctor that he's voluntarily sought the treatment he needs and he's not a danger to himself or anyone and that will be the end of that.


Unfortunately, he's not really seeking full time help, he thinks he's fine. I had to force him to go back to see an IC which he just recently been doing 2X a month. He never went to the doctor so no doctor will give him a letter right now that he's ok.

Also, I never said that his a less a parent than I am. He's a good father to my children. If you actually read my posting you will see that he's the one who's giving me a hard time to get equally time for my children. I know he's going to dig everything he can to show how miserable mother I am (good luck to him finding that proof) and if he goes there, I will do the same but I don't want to, I just want to be fair. 50/50 is what I am asking nothing more, nothing less.


----------



## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

I've been through this sort of thing, when it comes to messy custody battle all the stops get pulled out and both sides try to make the other person out to be a terrible human being who has no business being around the children.

I'm just saying that if you put all that mental institution stuff in papers, he'll formulate a defense based on his attorneys advice which will be to seek help even if he doesn't think he needs it just to dispute your findings and show the courts that it's not something they need to consider when making a custody award.

If you live in a state that really gives the courts the power to award joint custody - and if you're not completely sure you need to check on this- then it's likely that's how this will pan out because neither of you has a big edge over the other. Usually when the one holdout realizes that's what the courts will probably do, if they're smart and don't want to waste a ton of money on legal fees, they'll agree to what will be decided anyway and save big bucks on legal fees. It's also much easier on the kids.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

@Ideservedbetter

You need to ask a real honest divorce lawyer ( I know how oxymoronic that is ) about the laws in your state.

I have to agree with others here.. YOU allowed him to stay at home. 

This attempted suicide thing won't amount to sh!t.. 

I probably make 4 to 5 times what my Ex wife makes and she pays me child support.. 

As was mentioned the courts do what is EASY FOR THEM.. .NOT YOU or the kids.. They just do enough to make it look fair and legal.. Thus no one can appeal their decision. No judge likes an appeal. You are basically telling them they are wrong and if you lose it just will be worse for you..

Your best bet I would think is to stay there long enough to make this issue of him taking care of the kids go away.. This way when he says I have been taking care of the kids for the last 5 years you can say for the last 12 months we shared the expenses and child care. 

Again if he has the cash and does need to work you can't blame him and call him lazy.. Nothing says he has to save that money for when he is older.. As long as he can show he has the funds to split expenses 50/50 you really don't have a leg to stand on.. 

Matter of fact if he is smart enough and does have enough money, he can show the courts that between you paying child support and his income he can stay at home and raise the kids until they are old enough to stay home alone and THEN find work when they might need less support or care.. 

Please don't go into court thinking they will be on your side or do what is JUST and RIGHT.. They don't... It is what is quick and easy.. They have enough court cases and court law to fall back on now a days.. 

Divorce court is nothing but just a math equation.. Plain and simple.. Please do not be fooled to thinking otherwise.. 

Again find a lawyer that will be no holds bar with you and punch you in the face with the truth.. If a lawyer tells you don't worry we will fight it be scared and find another lawyer.. You need REALISTIC outcomes..


----------



## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> As was mentioned the courts do what is EASY FOR THEM.. .NOT YOU or the kids.. They just do enough to make it look fair and legal.. Thus no one can appeal their decision. No judge likes an appeal. You are basically telling them they are wrong and if you lose it just will be worse for you..
> 
> Matter of fact if he is smart enough and does have enough money, he can show the courts that between you paying child support and his income he can stay at home and raise the kids until they are old enough to stay home alone and THEN find work when they might need less support or care..
> 
> ...


Unfortunately this poster I quoted above is exactly right.

That is exactly how the courts operate in most areas and no one realizes this until they've been through a protracted legal battle and wonder where the "justice" is.

There aint no justice in divorce court.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Let me add in.. 

I a part of me feels bad my Ex wife is paying me 1400 a month.. 

I shouldn't.. She treated and still treats me like sh!t..
I don't love her for the simple math equation that I can find a younger woman that makes more money than her.. 

But in the 20 years with me, she wasn't all savage.. 

But I still went into the courtroom with both guns blazing.. I clearly told the judge *I didn't want my Ex wife living the rest of her life working to pay me child support. All I want is for you to be fair about this, 200 dollars a month just isn't cutting it.* 

My lawyer told me to STFU and NOT tell the judge what was okay for me to get.. I was gonna ask the judge for 1k.. 

The lawyer told me you present your case and the judge decides, because that is what a JUDGE DOES... 
That is why they are called the JUDGE and NOT YOU... The judge will take offense to what you are saying and will ask you why you are here then.. Further that the judge could dismiss the case and tell you go talk with your ex wife outside and reapply to open the case if you cannot come to an agreement. 

So Judges can be d!cks and cause you more grief if you piss them off..


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

OP, you really need to talk to a divorce attorney in your state / county. Laws and judges vary widely across the U.S. and you need to be getting information that is tailored to your case, in your jurisdiction. 

I'm so sorry you're here. I'm also a betrayed wife and the primary breadwinner; I can, unfortunately, relate  Stay strong, stay mad, take action and most of all take care of yourself.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

Hardtohandle said:


> @Ideservedbetter
> 
> You need to ask a real honest divorce lawyer ( I know how oxymoronic that is ) about the laws in your state.
> 
> ...


Of course, I don't think that the court will be in my side. Im not naive. I know that I'm a number in the court, they don't care what I really want, they don't care about my children, they care only in their own system that they think what is the right for my children. 

As I mention before, I am going to fight until the end. We have save a lot because of his income when he was working, I will use every penny we have to pay for this. All of this money are conjugal except probably a small cash he had before we got married so proving he can support himself without a job and the child support which I'm supposed to pay, by the way I don't make that much anyway will not be sufficient enough for him to take care of the children. Plus he needs medical insurance, he have a very expensive illness that requires medical insurance, it will be so expensive if he pays it his own so he needs to find a job.

I am REALISTIC that I can lose but I am not going to give up because couple people tells me that I don't have a lot to go on because he's a primary care giver so he automatically will get the children? This is my children, I will never give up on them. 

I was the primary care giver for 5 yrs and him only been 15 months so we'll see how the court will see this. Like the other poster said, every state is different. Mine for a fact will go for 50/50, this is the fairness that the judges usually go for and as this is what I also want so we will see if I will get it. 

I have a brutal to honest lawyer, she told me what it is and what to expect, for what I am paying her she better tell me exactly what to expect from this and some of them are the same what couple of you have said but there's also other things that's positive in my side.

Thanks for the support and boosting my ego. I guess I am not realistic enough and have a delusion that I might actually have a chance to be with my children 50%, I should probably lower that expectation.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Wow what a mess. So he filled in your spot with a few women after you abandoned him and the kids. Sounds like you both made a mess of this.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wow what a mess. So he filled in your spot with a few women after you abandoned him and the kids. Sounds like you both made a mess of this.


I guess you can call it that way, abandonment even though I was in the house every night to put my children to bed and took care of them when I was not working, I was working part time so I was with them most of the week. those 2 to 3 nights that I was a way for 2 months my children never knew I was gone. I was there when they wake up. I abandoned my husband but even though I came back, he still continued cheating on me so yes we both made a mess and now we are paying the consequences and the end of this, the children are the one who's going to suffer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ideservedbetter said:


> I guess you can call it that way, abandonment even though I was in the house every night to put my children to bed and took care of them when I was not working, I was working part time so I was with them most of the week. those 2 to 3 nights that I was a way for 2 months my children never knew I was gone. I was there when they wake up. I abandoned my husband but even though I came back, he still continued cheating on me so yes we both made a mess and now we are paying the consequences and the end of this, the children are the one who's going to suffer.


Clearly you did not abandon your children. Abandon would have been for you to completely move out and not see them much or at all. 

How many hours a week did you work? 

Are you still living at home with your children and husband? I hope that you have not left now.

The custody outcome from your divorce will depend a lot on the state in which you live. Most states are looking for both people to be self supporting if at all possible. Since your husband had been unemployed for only about 15 months, I doubt that they will give him spousal support. He has the proven ability to support himself.

While you live in a no-fault state, there are some things related to infidelity that can be considered in a divorce. For example, if you have proof that your husband spent money on his affair partners.. like the vacation, you can ask the court to count that amount as part of his divorce settlement. I know people who did this and won the point in court.


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Clearly you did not abandon your children. Abandon would have been for you to completely move out and not see them much or at all.
> 
> How many hours a week did you work?
> 
> ...


Thank you for saying that I did not abandoned my children because I felt I didn't but I know some people will see it that way. I was working only 20 hrs a weeks that time.

After I came back I never left, I'm still here in the house living with him and the kids and I will not move out until we have custody arrangement or until the divorce is final.

My state is no fault and fault base divorce, adultery is one of them. He wants no fault, he doesn't want to put in the divorce paper that he cheated on me. So far this is my leverage and I am willing to negotiate if he wants to cooperate with me.


----------



## CLIFFW (Jul 25, 2012)

As you said, your "marriage has never been good."

So infidelity aside, why are you still in it? If your marriage was never good, why did you make 3 kids with him, including one 2 years ago?

Those to me are the more poignant questions


----------



## Ideservedbetter (Oct 2, 2015)

CLIFFW said:


> As you said, your "marriage has never been good."
> 
> So infidelity aside, why are you still in it? If your marriage was never good, why did you make 3 kids with him, including one 2 years ago?
> 
> Those to me are the more poignant questions


Let see, typical answers is what I can give you. I love him, hope that he'll changed, the last child was not planned, convenient and the last one is I have children so I stayed as long as there's no infidelity.


----------

