# Living under the same roof while separated?



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

My wife and I are going to be separated. We cannot afford to live in separate locations. Is there anyone else in this same situation and how is it working?


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I lived with my ex for about a month before my rental was ready. 

It was absolute hell and I would never recommend an in house separation to anyone, especially if cheating was involved (not sure if that is the case with you)

I wish you luck.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I lived with mine for 2 months after discovery of affair - me on the couch, her in the bed (if I took the bed she would still climb in). 

Due to work schedules I only saw her for a couple hours a day during the week tops, then all weekend. 

Even then I have to say it was hands down the worst two months of my life. Worse than the months following my brother's death. And my other brother's death. 

So sorry you are in that situation.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Advice:

Interact as little as possible. 
Do the 180. 
Try to sleep when she is awake and vice versa. 
Don't get emotional with her.
Don't initiate conversation except business only. 
Refuse to participate in arguments. 
Take care of yourself and the house/kids, leave her crap to her. 
Don't go out of your way to accommodate her.
She is now a roommate you barely know. Treat her as such.
Protect yourself financially.
Be prepared for the worst. Don't trust she'll treat you fairly.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

zillard said:


> Advice:
> 
> Interact as little as possible.
> Do the 180.
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Our situation is my depression led. No cheating or abuse but other problems largely stemming from my negativity and lack of motivation. Just mentioning that as I would guess reasons and background situation would hugely change the atmosphere doing a live in separation. Has actually gone fairly well overall for us which is great for the kids. We are civil and talking and make each other drinks etc. 

What has been a huge issue is my ability to detach and actually believe it is over (her choice) when we live together and are still on good terms generally. 

I move out on Monday. Totally my choice as I worry for my sanity and ability to honestly deal with my depression while sat here waiting for her to change her mind. Especially when if it wasn't for the separate rooms and no physical or emotional contact is just like it was before a lot of the time. I need that physical separation for it to become real so I can be sure I am doing things for myself rather than for her to see.


----------



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband and I did this from Sept thru Dec. He just moved out yesterday.....It was hard for us, in the begining there was an OW, and towards the end she was not really in the picture but he still planned to Move out anyway (to get his space as he thinkgs we are headed to divorce) 

Hardest for us because we still enjoyed spending time together alone and with the kids, we still desired each other, but the Marriage was broken, and there was no promise of committment on his part.

Read my thread about me going away and him moving out when I get back.....

I think the only way to save myself and possibly my marriage is him and I living apart! 

Good luck


----------



## fbwatcher (Dec 6, 2012)

Nothing is filed or absolute but in this situation now, last 3 months. Want the child to have a stable environment for as long as possibile, is she is very susceptable to significant behavior changes when faced with radical changes, and she already feels the tension.

Whole arrangment currently working ok at best, still sharing the same bed but widely seperated. No physical intimacy in the last 3 months, although I still desire her. Allows us to communicate daily without to much effort, it is mostly small talk while we are here together. We both have a goals we are trying to accomplish in the next several months, which one way or another will result in more significant changes.

Tough not to pursue her or show her I am trying to change or be with her more, but this only makes her more frustrated with the past. Not sure if this is the best thing we could do, but seems the best for all at the moment.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

fbwatcher said:


> Nothing is filed or absolute but in this situation now, last 3 months. Want the child to have a stable environment for as long as possibile, is she is very susceptable to significant behavior changes when faced with radical changes, and she already feels the tension.
> 
> Whole arrangment currently working ok at best, still sharing the same bed but widely seperated. No physical intimacy in the last 3 months, although I still desire her. Allows us to communicate daily without to much effort, it is mostly small talk while we are here together. We both have a goals we are trying to accomplish in the next several months, which one way or another will result in more significant changes.
> 
> Tough not to pursue her or show her I am trying to change or be with her more, but this only makes her more frustrated with the past. Not sure if this is the best thing we could do, but seems the best for all at the moment.


ohh. same bed is rough. Tried that at first, had to quit. too hard. moved to the couch until she moved out. emotional comfort is more important than physical comfort.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Was where you were fbw, for about 6 months. It was extremely hard to detach in that type of situation. Lots of push and pull, though it sounds like I was being led on with the possibility of R, and you are not. In the end, however, I still was the one to pull the plug on living together and moved out (as I found a place first). 

Even though he initiated the split and I didn't want it, moving out ended up being the best thing for me. In the very beginning, he moved out and I lived in the house. It was torture, feeling like I needed to 'keep the home fires burning' in case he changed his mind and wanted to come back. Got totally in the way of me getting on my feet. Moving out forced me to do just that.

Bottom line, you may not have much of a choice for financial reasons, but try not to do it any longer than you absolutely have to. It's not healthy for you emotionally, and the stress is bad for you physically, too.


----------



## fbwatcher (Dec 6, 2012)

Totally agree, now know emotional intimacy would be great, beyond the physical right now.

When we started down this path a couple months ago, offered to stay in the guest room and say it was because of my back or some other ailment. She didn't think that would be accomplishing anything, daughter would know something was up, so we are cohabitating our bed. 

Lucky were both of smaller size and its a kingsize bed. I'm also learning to not reach out at night to maintain physical contact, that used to bother her in normal times as it would interrupt her sleep out of the blue, now it just pisses her off.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Personally I would move to guest bedroom. You already said kiddo is picking up on it anyway. My d6 asked why I was on the couch. Was honest without detail and said me and ma are arguing. Child psych said that was good as when the moveout happened wasn't complete surprise. Were able to sit d6 down and say, remember how I told you x... Well now y.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fbwatcher (Dec 6, 2012)

Angel - We bought a big neglected house to renovate a couple years ago, more than we bargained for but progress still being made. She lost interest in the process ealier this year as she stepped away, so there are a lot of partially done projects that are a constant source of irritation for her. Mortgage more than she can cover and she doesnt like living this far away from downtown. 

We are trying to stay amicable, see if we can reach a resolultion that will allow me to keep the house and continue on, as the daughter loves it out here most of the time, can do her own thing when she wants without fear of being made fun of or rejected by other kids.


----------



## fbwatcher (Dec 6, 2012)

Zillard - D15 is in IC for behavior issues and now this is coming into play, tough to explain to her level. 

Have been chastised for saying what I thought when she asked a direct question following a recent session. Will say that I ALMOST have to lie, more like carefully thought out answers without emotion or full details. Would so much like to be able to tell her how and what I really feel, but that wouldn't gain me anything, only cause her more problems in school again. 

All the D and S words being used, but the true impact of them still escape her mostly, so we have to try and put a good spin on almost everything at this time. 

I give my honest answers to the dog right now, she seems to want to listen.


----------

