# "I love you, but I'm not in love with you?"



## whitemat (May 17, 2011)

I have been married for 2.5 years after dating my wife for less than a year. We have a son, who turns 11 mo. old next week. I was pushed towards marrying my wife, in part, due to questioning one day at work by a former boss of my living situation with her a few months after I started working there, who happened to be a devout Christian man and CEO of the private company in CO. I felt threatened enough internally, emotionally that I might lose favor or maybe even my job if we didn't get married, so we did. In August of 2008, we were married in the mountains with my boss and his wife as witnesses with a local judge administering the ceremony. 

HISTORY

In November 2007, my wife started dating and living together almost immediately. She has reminded me on several occasions how she regretted the lack of courtship and just this morning stated that she wondered if we had dated longer, that we might not have gotten married. I was originally contacted by the company i went to work for later shortly after meeting her, and turned them down in the initial interview thinking that the timing was wrong and if I have in fact met my future wife, I can't move halfway across the country for another sales job. Then in the spring, they called me again, pursued me, and I agreed to join them in July 2008 after lengthy discussion with my then girlfriend. 

I have discovered this morning in talking with my wife that she has started a journal and we openly discussed it. In it she indicated things like "I am in love with him, but not in love with him" and discussed in it and verbally how she tried to appear in a way to me during our early months together as a woman that she thought that I would desire for a wife, mother eventually, etc. She often talked about how all she wanted to be was a stay at home mom, etc. 

She indicated this morning to me in a journal (who I knew about already) how she was in a 4 year relationship with the guy she thought she was going to marry, but was deeply hurt by him not loving her and ending the relationship. He was a waiter/aspiring actor who she lived with in PA and Hollywood for a time. She stated in the journal that she was initially interested in another guy, a friend that I went to hs with that (divorced, kids) she now worked with as a bartender who was already with another person (I have known about this from beginning). He indicated to K he wasn't going to leave the other girl he was with and I entered the picture expressing my interest to another mutual friend who told her about my interest and gave her my contact info. Shortly after, she contacted me on a social network in fall of 2007 to see if I wanted to go watch a Patriots-Colts football game at a local pub. Dream date for a guy, I though, so naturally I thought things were going to be great! And it was until this morning's talk that I learned that apparently a few weeks before meeting me, she had started a online relationship with a local guy she connected with while still living in PA as her previous 4 yr relationship was ending, before moving back to IN. She cut off this online relationship early on to pursue the emotional relationship with my former hs friend who she was now bartending with. My wife has expressed that she has no interest in this old friend today, but at the time, did. She chose me because as she put it, she was worried about her biological clock and I seemed to have a steady job, educated vs the other types she had been dating prior.

Fast forward to spring 2010. I was struggling with my direct boss in CO, who reported to the Christian CEO boss. The direct boss was very cold, cussing type boss. He used bullying tactics to motivate and made my working life very miserable. My wife saw the pain i was in and offered alot of emotional support. I traveled 50% for this job across Northern US/Great Lakes states. My wife then got pregnant. During the pregnancy, she started to tell me that she desired to be closer to family back in IN and didn't want to be alone when our child was born with me traveling so much. So in July, 2010, I announced my resignation, we moved back to IN, with $40k in savings and no job, with an economy in a complete tailspin. We moved in with her mother-in-law in a townhouse in IN. We have a room in her finished basement. Our son sleeps upstairs in guest room, next to his grandmother. 

Fast fwd to fall 2010. I sought counseling on my own and was diagnosed with heavy depression/high anxiety, believed to have been caused mainly by my abusive boss in CO. I have been on LexiPro, 10 mg, ever since and have felt better and better every day/month, all the while having to deal with this living situation for my family since I couldn't find a job.

Fast fwd to winter 2010 - spring 2011. At the encouragement of my wife and mother-in-law, I decided to pursue RCIA classes and became a Catholic this past Easter. I had been searching for a church and religion. While i was resistant at first, I went thru it and have been happy with my new found faith. 

I grew up in a non-denominational family that had jumped around from church to church. My parents were very conservative, my mom was ultra conservative (Armageddon soon, etc). They divorced in 1993 as a result of my dad's emotional abuse towards her through the years...and probably her's in reality. I dated a few women growing up and then was engaged at 21 to a gal I thought was the one. She was the drop dead gorgeous cheerleader type that ultimately went on to cheer in the NFL. The relationship devastated me, so I went to college, and stayed out of a serious relationship up until meeting my wife a few years ago. I wanted my next relationship to be the one for a lifetime and I thought my patience was finally being rewarded.

MY WIFE'S FAMILY HISTORY

My mother-in-law is divorced. Her former husband was a swindler, lived fast, financially strong in the 70's-80's like my dad, and apparently he left her for a younger woman, whom later divorced him. My wife's sister is also divorced. Her husband left her from another woman who played golf with him. She cited her husband's constant golfing, and lack of time around her 2 boys as the cause.

SOME GOOD NEWS

I was offered a new sales job with a strong, upstart company and begin in a few weeks on June 1. I will travel often, but across a single state, and will only be out a few nights a week. Everything had seemed to be spinning completely out of control, and then I flew out of state, and won this job. I had searched everywhere for 10 months, nonstop. I thought this was going to solve a lot of my family's problems. We have had large debt, had been using Dave Ramsey's program up until I left my job and making HUGE progress. I was hoping to get things back to way they should be for me and my wife and new son. A new house, etc, but now I am questioning if my marriage is over...or if it really ever was legit to begin with? 

Your thoughts and feedback greatly appreciated as I feel like **** and have lost a lot of trust for my wife as you can probably imagine! Thanks for reading....

God Bless,

Tim


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## whitemat (May 17, 2011)

I don't want to have my heart ripped out again like it was by my ex fiance yrs ago if I don't stand a chance here. I won't go back to that place again...especially with this new job I am about to start. We have done a few counseling sessions, but I feel like I am having to drag my wife there. If I have already lost my wife...I am not about to lose my head again and this new job before it starts.

*If this marriage is doomed I want to hear from someone, anyone?*


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