# Feel dead



## tired1 (Feb 24, 2010)

Here's my story. I don't know if I want advice, or to vent, or what I'm looking for... 

My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have been friends since we were teenagers. We have had many ups and downs, but I thought we had a solid, enviable marriage. People always commented on how affectionate and dedicated to each other we were.

In the last 6 mnths we have faced many challenges - the company I helped build started to go under and had massive lay-offs. I got a huge pay cut. I no longer make enough to pay the bills, but I have not been able to find a job. My dad was diagnosed with cancer. My wife's job, which had been something that was just for her to get out of the house occasionally, became something that we needed her to do to pay the bills. She started working long hours for a couple months and we saw little of each other. It goes on...

She's been a bartender for the last few years. It was a job that she was suited for, and the hours aren't too demanding so that we can juggle work schedule and not put too much strain on our kids.

Lat month, when I got back from a week long business trip, I told her she could go out with some friends from work to unload some stress. She got really drunk, and accepted a ride from one the group that she was out drinking with. They started talking and ended up having sex in the car that I bought for her as a present. She confessed to me 2 days later - I had no idea anything was wrong. I feel like I should have. She took responsibility and did not try to blame it on the alcohol, but we had a previous agreement that she would not drink more than a few drinks if I was not present. I felt like my world had ended, but took a HUGE leap of faith and decided to jump into rebuilding our marriage.

We decided to work things out. We had a lot of what felt like (to me) intense, very honest, intimate conversations. We both said that we felt closer than ever. We went through what I've read about as a manic bonding stage. I felt good about where we were, and we made it a point that when we had bad days, we talked about what we were feeling. I felt like I was way out on a limb....and then the limb broke...

A month later a relative died and I went to his funeral, which was across the country. I was gone several days. The morning after I got back (this last Tuesday) she told me that while I was gone, she talked with the guy she had previously slept with. He asked her if she wanted to meet at another bar after they closed to talk, and she said no. He asked for a ride so they could talk. She agreed. She said she thought they had been friends, and she thought she needed closure and to let him know that our marriage had not been ruined. This is in character for her to be naive and want to make sure everyone is happy. After they talked, he asked for a hug. She agreed, and then he kissed her. She kissed him back. She told me the day after I got back. This hurt so much worse...the first time it felt like a mistake that I could forgive as long as we set boundaries. This is a betrayal of everything she had said before and all the work we had done...I stopped wearing my wedding ring (she didn't). I told her she had to go to counseling, which she immediately did. They diagnosed her with a myriad of things and prescribed a ton of drugs. Her counselor has told her that she has to go back to work and tell the guy she never wants to speak to, or see him again. He has not come back in, and I feel sick every time she goes back. I no longer feel confident about my ability to judge the situation, my feelings, or her sincerity. I am afraid because although I am angry, it seems like I should be MORE angry. I don't know how I feel. and now they have given her so many drugs that she's basically a zombie. All she does is sleep and cry. The kids are a mess. They don't know what's going on, but they know something is wrong. I feel so alone. No one I know has gone through this and not turned into a bitter, angry, hateful person. I have talked to two people, but neither of them have any idea how hard this is, or how much it hurts. and I can't even talk to her like we did before because she's so drugged...

I contacted a local support group, but have not heard back yet...this week feels like the longest week ever...I don't know what to do, or how to feel. I feel ashamed for taking her back, I am afraid that I will become a victim or that it makes me weak. like I am setting myself up for more pain...but I love her so much and don't want to just walk away....is anybody out there?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

sorry dude. Rough.
You're doing the right things. Kudos for not so easily giving up. Thats love.

Im not a huge fan of drugs and they should make her more stable and happy NOT sad and crying. Somethings not right there. Dont feel like a jerk. Eventually you may have to make a decision but dont second guess yourself. Good man.

Sorry, have no great words of wisdom or advice as you have all the history, and depth of knowledge here.
You have a long history with wife and have kids. This is the "worse" in "for better or worse". If she still wants you and you love her. keep going.
Joint counseling is in order too as soon as she's up to it.

If either of you dont want to continue then thats the end point.

Good luck on the support group. 
All the very best.


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