# What does respect look like to you?



## seeking sanity

There are lots of comments on respect on this board. It strikes me that I don't really understand what respect looks like. So open ended question: What does respect look like to you?


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## anotherguy

really listening to what someone has to say.
trusting someones judgement.
treating someone with honesty, integrity and perhaps deference.
being forthright, uncritical and accepting - but also just.
treating someone as an equal - and behaving as if you can learn something from the other.

I dont know. I suppose 'respect' in its entirety means quite a bit.


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## Drover

To place as much value or importance on their feelings and thoughts as you do your own.


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## Coffee Amore

Respect in a marriage is shown in the day to day interactions. You don't express respect in big gestures, but it's a feeling you get from small everyday actions like being treated like an equal, not like a child or a servant. It's keeping a promise made. Not constantly belittling someone or exposing them to ridicule. It's keeping them informed of what's going on and including them in decisions both large and small that affect the marriage.


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## regretful wife

Respect and love are very different in a relationship. And you need both for it to work. And sadly I realized what they are too late.

You respect that person's wishes. Especially when you don't want to. 

That person gave you their heart. You should hold it carefully and respectfully. Not drop it or drag it through the mud. 

You both are telling and giving each other very private things. And it is important to know what each sex considers 'fair game,' for sharing. 
Like men tend to be much more open about their sex life with their friends than women are. But we (or well at least I!) don't want that being shared. 
We tend to assume that anything shared in a moment of what a lot of men would consider weakness (like painful past memories, or work gossip), is fair game to share with our girlfriends. It isn't!

You married that person, not your friends. So you know where to draw the line, and if you have to choose between the two, you should know who to choose without thinking. 

Ever heard of that word called compromise? Washington doesn't seem to like it. And we all know how well that goes. (let's not get to poltical though)

Understand that people feel loved in a lot of ways. While the way they may feel loved is not what you are use to, you should respect that. If they need something you aren't use to giving to feel loved, don't dole it out! Because they'll dole out the love right back to you!
I figured out (besides sex obviously) that hubby loved home cooked meals, and lots of affection. So I made sure he felt got what made him feel loved after a long day of work!
And he knows exactly how to make me feel loved and beautiful. 

We all respond to problems differently. If you respond to a financial problem by watching TV while the other person is freaking out, they will feel slighted. How are you respecting their feelings? 

You respect each other's contributions to the marriage, even if you feel like you are getting a raw deal. 
Hubby works 50 hour weeks. I work less, but take care of the house, and him! He takes care of our finances. I take care of him. And we both seeem happy! 

Realizing there is a problem isn't enough. You BOTH need to work to fix it. Expecting your spouse to do it isn't going to foster good feelings. 

There are certain places that are off-limits. And however much you want to clean/snoop/organize, whatever, you leave that place alone. You respect their own little 'my area,' in the house. 

If you are ever questioning or feel like you shouldn't be doing something, imagine your partner doing the same. 
If an old ex finds you on Facebook and wants to hook up for lunch, what would you want your spouse to say if they recieved the same request?

If you find you aren't respecting your spouse, don't expect them to continue to respect you.


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## Jane_Doe

I probably couldn't define and explain it, but I definitely know what a lack of respect looks like and feels like.


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## peacefully

To hold what your partner is saying with care.
To listen with the intent to understand, not just waiting to respond.
To have reverence for the needs of your partner.
To not shame your partner with words, silence or body language.
To be careful how you speak about and to your partner.
To speak the truth. 
To be faithful.


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## ohlife

Drover said:


> To place as much value or importance on their feelings and thoughts as you do your own.


the problem is, how do you keep this up for someone who doesn't do it to you?


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## Kasler

ohlife said:


> the problem is, how do you keep this up for someone who doesn't do it to you?


You don't 

You get counseling instead.


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## Falene

Drover said:


> To place as much value or importance on their feelings and thoughts as you do your own.


Bingo!


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## Caribbean Man

Tough question.
To me, respect is showing deference or appreciation to someone .
It involves attaching high value to that person ,which in turn affects your response / actions towards them .

It does not come naturally , but it takes time and effort to cultivate.
But this is just my opinion ,
Of course, you don't have to respect it .
Ha,ha!


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## missymrs80

Ill give some concrete examples of ways my DH shows me respect:

1. Discussing things with me before making plans.
2. Standing up for me if his mother or father say something snippy (this rarely happens though)
3. Not minimizing my feelings. If im upset he will validate my feelings rather than tell me im upset over nothingor to just get over it.
4. If i want something (clothes, shoes, a new rug, new towels...whatever) he doesnt just tell me that i dont need it. He doesnt give me a BS spending allowance Bc he respects my needs as a woman to have nice clothing and nice things for our home. 
5. Opens the doors for me always....car door too...even if we are just going to the grocery store or something.
6. Makes sure im safe in every way
7. No name calling...ever.

These are just a few things....there are of course other ways my husband shows me respect.

I show my DH respect by
1. No name calling (i have to work very hard at this)
2. Deferring to him 
3. NOT withHolding sex
4. Not being late (another one i have to work very hard at)
5. Taking care of the house
6. Letting him be in charge of finances and all major decisions (our course he asks for my input and takes it into consideration)


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## missymrs80

Caribbean Man said:


> Tough question.
> To me, respect is showing deference or appreciation to someone .
> It involves attaching high value to that person ,which in turn affects your response / actions towards them .
> 
> It does not come naturally , but it takes time and effort to cultivate.
> But this is just my opinion ,
> Of course, you don't have to respect it .
> Ha,ha!


Yes....much of What is healthy and works for our marriage does NOT come naturally. We have to work very very very hard for it. Once you get in a good feedback loop though, it makes it a little easier. 

If we did what came naturally.....holy hell. We are both good people, but that just isnt enough in a marriage.


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## RMclean

it is a feeling and it is always difficuilt to describe the human feelings, on my piont of view Respect mean the feeling of the worth, importance and care which one feels for another person. you may feel respect for your parents,family members,teachers,friends country etc.

The golden rule. (Do unto others as they would do unto you; treat others how you would be treated.)
Do you think it should be earned or given? Both. You give it, you earn it
Sold Out After Crisis


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## Romeo Mike

I think there is a lot that goes into showing respect for your spouse. I would say that respect is an ongoing evaluation of compromise and willingness to consistently work toward a better marriage. That can be a huge umbrella but it can be applied to all aspects of your marriage. The basics should be a given, but missymrs80 has a great list to refer to. I try to always try to put my wife and her needs ahead of my own however part of respecting her is respecting myself so that means communication! Open and honest communication is vital to showing and ultimately feeling respected. 

-Romeo Mike


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## keepsmiling

As I love to feel connected emotionally, it's when he hears me out and I can tell he is really listening and trying to understand. This is a top one for me because I can be very honest but he never puts me down when I bare my thoughts. When this happens I feel respected and also great appreciation for him.


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