# I cheated, I left...am I doing the right thing?



## onelife (Aug 22, 2010)

Here is my story. 

I am 34 years old, married just about 10 years. 2 children, ages 4 and 5. My husband and I moved in together after 9 months of dating, married 2 years later. When I think back to my 24 year old self, my life was on "track"--met a great guy, moved in together, next step marriage, house and kids. We had a great time together, went on lots of trips, had a lot of fun. My mom died, and he proposed that week, which helped to give me something else to focus on...I've always felt grateful for that.

Right from the beginning sex was only ok. There was never a great passion and he always finished too fast, and then would completely lose interest, so I would end up unfulfilled. Over the years we fought over sex time and time again. The more I asked for it, the more he withdrew. We would sometimes go months without it. I asked him if he was gay... if he was not attracted to me...to see a doctor to have his hormone levels checked. I bought lingerie, creams, toys...nothing ever worked and he didn't seem concerned that this was lacking in our life, he was sick of fighting about it. We had kids, and for a few years, I didn't care, caught up in the life of newborns and toddlers. In the last couple of years, we actually did better as far as quantity, actually having sex about 1x/week. Quality didn't change though, and I feel like I have become obsessed with sex...I have read about women's sex drive increasing as the males decreases, and understand the biology of it. I want it and I want it good.

My H has never been a physically intimate guy. Yes, an occasional kiss goodnight, a hug here and there. We never really kissed, even during sex (I know, this sounds crazy...). When I grab his hand while walking, guranteed within 1 minute he pulls it away. He says he just doesn't like to do it. We sleep on seperate sides of the bed, back to back.

My H is a great guy. He is a wonderful father, prefers to spend time as a family than anything else. He helps around the house, and definetely does his share. He is not mean, is not abusive. He is the guy you can take anywhere and know that he will get along with everyone. We get along great and have fun together. He makes me laugh and I know that he loves me.

He is also a very passive guy. I make all the financial decisions (we are equal income earners), decide when and where we go on vacation, pay all the bills, etc. He is usually fine with any decision, and if not, we talk it out. Sometimes (like right now as I think back) I feel like all the responsibility is on me, and I don't want it to be. I want to be taken care of, for someone else to make some decisions...However, I recognize that my personality is one that likes to take charge...him being so passive, allows this to happen, which is how we ended up where we are now. 

About 6 months after we got married, I cheated on him with married man. It was a few weeks only, no sex. The other guy cut it off. Throughout the years I have kissed a few other men, I had sex with a married man who lives in a different city on 3 different occasions (business trips brought me to his city, and him once to my city), and most recently last October, purely by chance, ended up e-mailing then talking via phone to a man who also lives in a different city (he is single). this defientely turned into an emotional affair, and so in March, we cut it off. In May, I had to go to his city, and called him and we met for dinner and had sex. This re-started the affair, and I have since met with him twice more, for longer periods. 

I am definetely in the "fog". I know this. Having said that, our affair has been anything but easy. We have tried to break it off. Even the sex has had it's issues (he has had to use viagara)...so I don't think that I am seeing utopia. He lives 1300km away and I can't leave my city (kids). He wants children and I don't want any more. He is not sure he wants to deal with a recently seperated women with 2 kids. Logically, I know that this will end, but I love him and despite logic, still want to pursue it.

I look at my in-laws and their life after 35 years of mariage, and I see my future. It is filled with bitterness and dislike. Having lost my mom young, I know that life is short....I want the best life I can have. I want everything. I want passion, and touch and love and fun and hurt even. I love my husband, I am so afraid that in 6 months, 5 years, 20 years, I am going to look back and regret staying in this life and end up resenting him. I don't want this to happen to us. I would rather regret making a bad decision then regret not making it at all. I don't believe in staying for the kids. I want my 4 year old son to see that a man is supposed to touch and kiss and hold. I know that if we can do it right, they will be ok. We don't fight in front of them, they see that we are good friends and have fun together, and always do things as a family (seriously, people have told me how lucky I am to be with a man that wants to do family stuff). I have my space as well, as he has no problems with me going out, taking classes, even weekends with the girls....nor do I have a problem with him having his alone time.

In May, after the first meeting with TOM, I could not bring myself to have sex or touch my H again. Lilttle things that have always been ok now turn me off (he doesn't brush his teeth everyday, etc..) On July 1st after almost 2 months of the typical symtoms you read about in other posts, me not wanting to touch him, working more, avoiding being alone, not smiling, etc) I finally told him how I was feeling (lack of passion and intimacy, etc.. and that I was thinking about my future and concerned that I would have regrets. His response was basically that he could see my side of it, but that for him, passion was not a priority and that he was happy with our life as it was and felt it was enough for him, and could understand that that might not be enough for everyone. He said that in the end it could only be my decision to make. We went on like this until 2 weeks ago (it is too easy for us to live side by side, as we don't fight, and we get along...) when we decided if we don;t seperate nothing will change. He sais he has just been waiting for me to make my decision (which, although I understand he is a passive guy, frustrated me, because if it was me, and this was happening, I would be taking active steps to do SOMETHING! not just waiting....) So we are now taking turns (50/50) living at the house with the kids, and living with our respective parents on the off days. We talk about kid stuff etc, but that is about it. I really think he is just waiting for me to come to the realization that I am making a mistake, that what we have is great (or good enough) and to come back. I don't see that he is doing anything to change the situation, which at the same time, I wonder if he did, would it change anything, and also that it is not in him to do it...how do you become passionate if that is just not who you are???

Today is my 2nd day of my first weekend without the kids, and I am hating it.

I have seen a counsellor once and have another appointment week. I did not tell her about the infidelity the first time, but I am now ready to do so (I came clean to a friend last week). I have not told him and am undecided about this---I don't want him to question our life for the last 10 years, because of this, because I do and did love him and our life was real. I don't want to hurt him more than I have to. I also have considered telling him so that he realizes the gravity of the situation and that it might not be as easy as me "changing my mind". I know that some people might think I am trying to protect myself, but I really just want to make it easier on him.

Sorry for the really long post, but it really helps me to talk this out, think it through...

So, I guess I would like opinions on:

1-Is the cheating a direct result of the problems in my mariage, or inate problems within myself (yes, I am ready for the negative feedback)
2-do I tell him about the cheating
3-Is it the fog or is it my reality that is the motivating factor behind my recent choices?
4-Am I making the right choice? Sometimes I think that I am convincing myself that I am doing the right thing (looking at our history and ongoing issues, the things that I need and that aren't in him to give (sex/touch/passion), worry about regrets)but then I am also convincing myself that I am doing the wrong thing (my mind is obviosuly clouded by the TOM, I am giving up a great guy, i miss my kids), and I feel that I have valid reasons for both.

Thanks


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It really does sound that you are incompatible. Should you have cheated? Absolutely not. But you two seem so completely different regarding your needs. His needs seem to be isolation and yours seems to interaction. Unless one of you completely changes the other would be miserable. You will have to adjust your expectations regarding your kids. Maybe rent apartments in the same building or just very close to each other. When the kids are grown you will only have each other. If you cannot see forever with him. It is probably decision time.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Wow..I so feel for you! If you have not read my posts take some time to do it..we have some huge similarities. You may gain some insight by reading my threads. I have one on my EA I started in May, and my newest thread about considering divorce is the most recent, again, you will find lots of info and hopefully some insight there.

I know the agony you feel right now, believe me I do. If I had somewhere to stay I think we would be separated right now too, but either of us want to leave the kids.

Here is what I have learned over the past few months from my situation:

Being in an affair makes what was already a mess a complete disaster...what little, tiny shred of resolve you had left to fix this with your HB is completely gone b/c that energy is now being directed at the OM. You are addicted to the high you get when being around and contacting him..it feels so good to escape the boredom and unhappiness if only for awhile. Then you begin to realize all you can think about is TOM and when/how you will see him again...it is like a spell! Seriously, I had no idea who I was when I was dealing with the aftermath of my EA..I was so depressed and almost checked into the pshyc ward at the hospital! I thought I must be losing my mind! I couldn't eat, sleep,function or be present with my kids. I also couldn't stand being in the same room with my HB..I wanted nothing to do with him at all. The tiny bit of love I have left for him, before the EA, disintegrated...I wanted out of the MG. I felt lovesick all the time because I had to stay away from the OM...I was a complete mess. 

This OM was married as well, has a kid, and is 15 years older than me...what was I thinking? :scratchhead: But I was hooked, and still am in a way (I still have to work with this guy). I know that we can not continue what we were doing since it almost became the end of me emotionally-but the feelings still get stirred up when I am around him.

As I said, divorce is looming for us...but we are holding on. I have some of the same feelings as you..the fear of regret (to stay or go) how will it affect the kids, how will I make it financially, Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, splitting time with the kids so we both see them on these days...what a nightmare! 

Then there is the alternative of staying in a MG that you are no longer "in" just for the kids which is not a good alternative either, so you must do the work necessary to gain clarity before deciding what is best, whatever that may be.

My advice:

Do some reading on the realities of divorce...it is messy, and permanent. Google: "Things to consider before divorce"..you will find lots of info. This is what I have done, and it has made me slow down and really think about this. It is not a decision to be made lightly or quickly. 

Dr Phils website has lots of info on this topic, and his advice is that you have to earn your way out of a marriage. That you have to exhaust every option, looked under every rock to find a way to fix it before you can walk away.. especially when kids are involved. Have you read books?(Divorce Busting, His Needs Her Needs, Contemplating Divorce) I am reading all 3 of these and they are awesome books..I highly recommend you read them. Have you two gone to MG counselling? 

Talk to people-you can't change what you are not ready to acknowledge. You have been unfaithful-so you must deal with that, and work on yourself to find out why you tend towards looking outside your marriage instead of within the MG to find happiness. If you don't figure it out now..trust me it will come back in the next relationship and you will relive the unhealthy patterns again if you don't deal with them now (been there!!) Also he needs to be willing to work on himself-then maybe you can come together again and make changes to meet each others needs.

There is no way at all for you to get any feeling back for your HB if you are even talking to TOM...trust me, I know this from experience! Sounds like this is a pattern for you, and you need to address it and get help for that. You are aware this is not healthy for you right?

Sorry this is so long-but somethimes I have a lot to say!

Hope this helps a little...hang in there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Onelife. You need to be honest with yourself and you need to make some hard decisions. Your adultary was not the result of problems in your marriage and it didn't "just happen". It was the natural result of a series of choices you made. You are confused that your husband shows little interest in winning you back or pleasing you but you are still having an affair. I'm amazed your husband speaks to you at all. If you want to be a wife and full time mother, prove it. If you want to leave your family for some other guy, then do that and don't look back. Once all third parties are removed from this situation you can maybe start thinking about fixing annoyances in your husband. Your guy may not be perfect but he's apparently a decent dad and he's apparently strong enough to be willing to still deal with a woman who (let's face it) hasn't been much of a wife to him for a while. He may be seriously disengaged but then again, he might just be very strong and committed. Passion can manifest itself in many forms and not all of them are nice. Passion could be ripping your clothes off and making wild love on the hood of your car or it could come as a violent, lethal response to the deepest of hurts. It might be a blessing at this moment that your husband isn't ruled by passion. Someone has to be stable and reliable for the kids. He might secretly feel like going crazy but simply can't because he has responsibilities. 
I view it like cars (Hey, I'm a guy). Sports cars are exciting and fun but they are unreliable and involve high maintenance. There's much to appreciate about a good 'ol reliable pickup truck that starts every time, goes anywhere, works hard, and never lets you down. The sports car can never be a pickup but with a few modifications, a pickup can be slick and exciting and still be a pickup.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

..."I am definetely in the "fog". I know this. Having said that, our affair has been anything but easy. We have tried to break it off. Even the sex has had it's issues"... 

You have described sex with two men, one your husband and another your lover.....BOTH have not met your standards.....I find this worthy of some personal exploring. 

I think (as Dorothy said) what you're looking for is in your own back yard. You hit the jackpot honey and you just don't know it!!! Sure your guy has his flaws, but from what you've written they don't seem too horrible!!! Bring home some soft core porn and watch it with him. Maybe if you make him FEEL like a man he'll act like the man. Guide him to being the man you want and need him to be....and get some counseling for yourself. 

You have it all <3


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

This is such a complicated issue, and there's no easy fix. One thing I noticed, which someone else also mentioned, is that you describe the sex with two different men in a very similar way, in a word: unsatisfying. This tells me that the problem may not lie so much with your husband, but with you. That's not to say he is blameless in your unhappiness with the marriage, but to say that perhaps your standards or expectations are too high. 

You definitely need to come clean to the therapist, so that he/she can help you determine if maybe you have some issues with sex (I'd say you do; what they are, I can't say) and how to resolve them. 

Coming clean with your husband...I'm a big advocate of honesty. I don't believe in hiding things from my significant other, no matter how small they may be. So a biggie like this, I do believe in being honest about. At the same time, though, I also don't see the point in hurting someone else just to make yourself feel better. He already knows you're not happy and considering all your options. I don't know if telling him would help or hurt. 

I do also believe in doing anything and everything you can to fix a relationship before ending it. You don't want to look back in 10 years and think that if you'd just tried this, maybe you'd still be together. You want to be able to look back with a clear conscience and know that you did everything that was possible to fix it and it just didn't work. Try marriage counseling, try looking at various marriage help websites, read relationship self help books, talk to each other. Take a break from each other if you really feel you need it (as you're doing right now), but don't divorce yet. Be thorough in your research of all the options available to you to fix your marriage.


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## onelife (Aug 22, 2010)

Thanks for the replies...

When I mentioned that the sex with TOM has its issues, I simply meant that he has had to use Viagara, but other than that, it is fantastic, totally fulfilling and everything I think/thought I wanted...so, no I don;t think I have issues with sex. My point in mentioning it was so that you understand that this relationship is not perfect and all "fantasy-land" without the realities of real-life intruding, like most affairs...does that make sense? 

I just had a 2 hour phone conversation with my husband. I expressed my frustration that he doesn't seem to be doing anything, that I am spending hours reading books, on the internet researching other peoples situations and trying to get advice and he just seems to be passively waiting for me to decide on something that could potentially alter his whole life. He thinks that I am asking him to completely change who he is, and that he can't do that (I told him that I want him to be an active participant in his life, to build up his confidence, to challenge me more, to work on words of affirmation/touch and well, of course, the sex)...he thinks we should go to counselling, and I agreed....but then it turned into me having to arrange it....leading back to the original problem of me having to do everything and him being passive vs active. He even said that part of us is that he has dreams and I get them for him... but I want him to be able to make his own dreams reality, with my help, sure, but not all on me. He started to cry and it broke my heart...how did I get here?????

He is frustrated and doesn't understand what reading or researching is going to do to help. I feel like it would at least prove to me that he wants to change things.

I also went to the book store tonight and was reading parts of a book called "When good people cheat" by Mira Kirshenbaum...she recommended NOT telling your spouse about an affair......I am also going to read her book "too good to leave, too bad to stay" Has anyone read this?

I know that my H is a great guy...so why can't I be happy with him? I don't want to settle for good when I can possibly have "everything", even if it is not with TOM, but with somebody in the future...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He's told you he feels like you want him to change who he is, and he can't do that. I think that's his way of telling you that this is who he is, and you either take him or leave him. I don't think it's a bad thing necessarily, I think it's just a matter of compatibility and figuring out what you want out of life. I would keep doing all you're doing, and talk to the marriage counselor or your own therapist and figure out if you could ever deal with continuing to be the one that has to take charge in your relationship. If not, then do the fair thing and let him go. If so, then give it everything you've got in order to make it work.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Yes i have read 'Too Good to leave, too bad to stay', its an excellent book and I think it will help you. 

I also think - as flowergirl has already recommended - that 'His Needs Her Needs' would be beneficial for you to read. 

Sounds like you have alot to lose in waving your marriage goodbye. Be careful.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

onelife said:


> I know that my H is a great guy...so why can't I be happy with him? I don't want to settle for good when I can possibly have "everything", even if it is not with TOM, but with somebody in the future...



I agree with not settling for less, however do you know anyone who has "everything"? Every marriage and person has some sort of issues, the question for you is are these issues YOU can live with?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Why is it that the affair sex is always "fantastic"? Are the cheating spouses myopic? More fog.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 

first of all I think you are a lucky lady, you are here and you are looking for help.....
I think you want to keep your marriage together and I think this is possible.....right now you aren't thinking like a wife(you are in affair fog) and you will never be able to with the OM still in your life......
Honestly the OM would never break up his family for you, he is 15 years older with an older child he is almost free of responsibility....he is just making some bad decisions in his own marriage, is this the kind of man you think is worth giving you life to.....someone who could lie and cheat because that is who he is.........
You have made some decisions in this marriage that are so wrong and I'm sure because of that you have been able to compare your husband to the OM you have been with and it's easy to just see all the faults and none of the good.....
Your husband might need to work a little to meet you half way so both of you are happy......Do you honestly think you did that for him?
Life is about having someone you can rely on, someone you can trust........someone who wouldn't do anything to hurt you, they protect you with their own lives......
Your husband sounds like this kind of man........are you have you been that wife?
No marriage is perfect and I don't think you would be happy when all that stability in your life is gone.....
You would be setting yourself up for a life of being with men that aren't committed, they come with a lot of baggage and mixed families are a challenge, so many problems you don't have now........
I would suggest you stop seeing the OM totally and commit yourself to your husband and really start to see him for who he is and you turn this around.....be affectionate with him and see if he responds, you alone can change this......
Go get the movie fireproof and ask yourself if you could try this, it's only 40 days.....see if you can't change things between you and your husband, but you must be affair free in your head and heart.........
good luck, don't lose a good thing because you aren't thinking the right way


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

onelife said:


> Thanks for the replies...
> 
> When I mentioned that the sex with TOM has its issues, I simply meant that he has had to use Viagara, but other than that, it is fantastic, totally fulfilling and everything I think/thought I wanted...so, no I don;t think I have issues with sex. My point in mentioning it was so that you understand that this relationship is not perfect and all "fantasy-land" without the realities of real-life intruding, like most affairs...does that make sense?
> 
> ...



I totally understand the whole "why doesn't my HB want to work on this?!?" part of the problem. My HB was the exact same way..I was like you reading, reading, and reading some more doing all I could to repair and improve our reationship. I eventually gave up b/c I knew nothing was really going to get better until he faced his part/issues. It took my affair to make him finally "get it" and he has been going to councelling and reading books to learn and grow, and is doing all he can to save us. I think in this case not telling your HB will not help your situation...it needs to be dealt with. I think in some circumstances , if it was a one night fling that will never happen again or something to that affect-MAYBE not telling could be the right thing. But you have been unfaithful repeatedly, and keeping that from him is not going to solve anything. Would you want to have something like that kept from you if the tables were turned? 

Sometimes it takes a huge wake up call for them to really get it...maybe this will be his. 

He has to WANT to change though..that is the sad part of all of this. You can;t convince him if he is not willing to do the work for himself to be a better husband and save your marriage.

I have both of those books you mention and yes, they are good books. Another that is recommended on here a lot we are reading is His Needs Her Needs..this is a must have, and it would be helpful if your HB would read it too.

I firmly believe that if one is not willing to make the efforts to work on things-there is little hope to make changes...I know this from my own experience, as well as several others I know. To quote Dr Phil again ( i love him )
"You can't change what you don't acknowledge" so true.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is blunt but without judgement. You aren't anywhere near thinking clearly.



> 1-Is the cheating a direct result of the problems in my mariage, or inate problems within myself (yes, I am ready for the negative feedback)


With you. The problem is a direct result of being unwilling to confront the realities of your marriage. If your marriage was that bad, you'd simply divorce him. But you want something in the marriage, AND want something outside the marriage, which is extremely selfish and unloving. It's called "cake-eating" - you want the stability and familiarity of your husband, and the excitement of a new partner. It's a hateful way to act towards someone you "love." 

If your husband acted this way towards you, how would you feel? Destroyed and cast off.



> 2-do I tell him about the cheating


Yes. It is unloving and disrespectful to withhold information in order to control him. He needs to make an informed decision about whether he wants to be with you. You've cheated a number of times. He's going to view his life as largely a lie and it will be devastating to him. However, it may catalyze the changes you want. But be prepared to deal with the consequences. 



> 3-Is it the fog or is it my reality that is the motivating factor behind my recent choices?


It's a combination of the addictive qualities of the high/excitement you get from the affair, and comparmentalizing your husband into a role. Right now you do not empathize him. He's simply a person you want to control through manipulation of the situation. It's very common during an active affair. Once he finds out and you deal with the fallout, whether you stay together or not, you will see this more clearly. It'll take a while, but at some point your going to look in the mirror and absolutely hate yourself.



> 4-Am I making the right choice?


No. You are making a terrible selfish choice, which seems to be your history. 

If you want out of the marriage, that's your choice. But lining up a soft landing with a man that your husband has no way of "competing" with is extremely hurtful. 

At the end of the day, do you want to look back on your life and realize you've been extremely selfish, a liar and habitual cheater who used the people she supposedly loved? Or do you want to look back and say, I was that person, but I changed into someone so much better, and be able to feel a sense of pride over the person you became. Shame or pride, it's up to you.

You seem like an intelligent woman who has a desire for self-improvement. Getting honest with yourself is the first step.


The best board for infidelity, particularly from the point of view of wayward spouses, is SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity I'd encourage you to check it out. You'll get better advice there.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> This is blunt but without judgement. You aren't anywhere near thinking clearly.
> 
> With you. The problem is a direct result of being unwilling to confront the realities of your marriage. If your marriage was that bad, you'd simply divorce him. But you want something in the marriage, AND want something outside the marriage, which is extremely selfish and unloving. It's called "cake-eating" - you want the stability and familiarity of your husband, and the excitement of a new partner. It's a hateful way to act towards someone you "love."
> 
> ...


We agree for one......sort of....in a perfect world, in a world of absolutes, in a world based on pure priciple you would divorce then move on. That is so ass-backwards on how we as humans learn, work, and make decisions.

Almost every life decision you look first then decide. You research, you see what is out there, you do your due diligence, then make a chocie. As heartless as that sounds to put marriage in that category it would be stupid to treat it any different if you were in fact * looking* to move on.

The OP seems to have worked a good amount on this and her husband seems steadfast on not changing. Without saying the cheater is always the enemy maybe this is exactly what the husband needs to open HIS eyes and say "Damn if I'm not going to be there for my wife physically or whatever someone else is" then I don't know what will change him. 

I sacrifice tons for my wife. It's her world first and foremost if she leaves I know that's it's 95% her because I'm being the man she wants me to be...open to change, wants, needs, dreams, and desires.

The OP's husband doesn't seem to be doing much, imo. What is my advice to the OP.

Tell you husband how serious this is! Tell him is this what you want to seperate, to divorce, etc? Go from there! Telling him about the affair is up to you and your belief system...telling him may get him to open his eyes. I won't say the affair was the right choice, but 100% see how it could easily happen. As much as it's not right what you did it's not right what your husband did either!

Good luck!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I do not see you being happy in that relationship with TOM or any man for that matter. You are so busy trying to "fix" your husband but what about you? Didn't you know he was like this when you married him, or did he change? You cheated only 6 months in the marriage. Your having sex with married men, what about their wives? Does that make you feel bad at all? I'm sorry this will be a bit harsh but are you a role model for your kids? Sure they don't know what is going on but it still affects them. You have to look at those issues and change yourself. I'm not saying its going to work with your husband but I am saying it will not work with TOM. You are wrong for cheating and the fact that you were unhappy is both of your problems, not just his. But cheating is all on you. So my advice is to break it off with Tom (sure he's exciting now but its new, he's taboo, but all the differences will cause you to resent TOM too) and stay separated from your husband for awhile. That is your reality. Without Tom in the picture do you miss your husband enough to work it out? If not, then it is time to end it but be fair to him and kick Tom and anyone else out until you make that decision and execute it.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

*Onelife:*

*I can almost guarantee you that your OM’s wife is dissatisfied with her sex life with him, or finds it rather routinal / boring – he most likely would not be the ‘fantastic / everything-you-wanted’ sex partner he is with you, with her.* *That’s the way the infidelity circus works.

*
You feel your husband does not ‘get’ the urgency you feel about addressing and settling this issue? *That is because he does not know you have been having porn star sex with another man, as a way of handling / managing this issue.

*
You want to try everything to save your marriage before you decide to stay or leave, and you want your husband to do the same? *How can he make an informed decision, if he doesn’t know he is sharing you sexually and emotionally with another man? *Doesn’t he deserve to know the reality of who he is married to (as it stands NOW), before making that decision? *Who are you to decide what he should settle for? *Isn’t that decision his fundamental right as a human being born equal to you? (I am asking because right now, you think and feel that the survival of your marriage is entirely based on your decision - so it seems).

And you read books that tell you not to reveal the affair to him, to prevent ‘hurt’? *Is it all right to secretly hurt him?
* (not to mention the OM's wife and children).

You have told him that you are unhappy / sexually frustrated, so he must change. But he seems unwilling to change, to your chagrin.

Try telling him you are sharing the wares elsewhere, and will continue to do so if he doesn't change. He might change all right -- though not to your liking.



*Suppose your husband turns around now, and tells you that he has to use Viagra only with you, but not with that other woman he has been having ‘fantastic / all-that-he-wanted’ sex with, and he has been wondering whether to ‘give you’ another chance to prove your worth, or just leave, YOU’D KNOW what it feels like to have sulphuric acid poured into the soul of an average male / human.*



I have seen enough life to know that even if you reconcile / settle back into the marriage (post MC / IC / sex therapy and all that), you would probably never value him as he should be valued.

And I suspect that deep inside, YOU know it too.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

you have been a serial cheater and you are progressively becoming more aggressive with your deceit and are blame shifting to your husbands faults to justify your disgusting behavior. You need to be honest for once in your marriage. Completely honest.
Can you do that? Are you a moral enough person to realize how awful a person you are for doing all you have done. Ever think your husband would be closer to you if you had not essentially began the marriage in a fog. You need to feel wanted like an insecure teenager and this is not your husbands fault. 
I wish your husband the best of luck and for you to get what you deserve in life.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell your husband. He does not stand a chance to even know what he and you are doing. If he was having an affair, you would want to know. Have you been checked for stds? Your husband needs to be checked for stds. 

These men do not love you. They like the sex.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I was in a marriage just like yours for 21 years. He ended up cheating on me!!

If I could go back in time, I would get out of a passionless marriage.

I would only come clean about the affairs if you plan on staying. If not, divorce and move on. It sounds like you may be able to still have a friendship with your husband and that will be important for raising children.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert...

C


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Grrr always get sucked in by the zombie LOL.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

edit.... Ugh..... I hate when folks bump an old one. Anyway, since I'd bothered to write out a response, I'll just leave it up.....

*I hate zombie threads brought back to life*.


onelife said:


> So, I guess I would like opinions on:
> 
> 1-Is the cheating a direct result of the problems in my mariage, or inate problems within myself (yes, I am ready for the negative feedback)
> 2-do I tell him about the cheating
> ...


Question 1, option 1. Problems with yourself. Six months in and you are already cheating. The marriage never stood a chance. Based on other things you said, marriage has been, and continues to be about an image and the little girl fantasy of ‘the plan’; house in the burbs, hubby at the grill, kids by 30, and a business professional moving up through the ranks... What didn’t go along with that is really how hard it is and who you should marry. You chose marriage like a fashion accessory to complement your life. It was never “our life”, just yours and how he might fit into it better. Self-centered perceptions and expectations.

Question 2, Do you tell? If you are divorcing, at some point, you need to take the lions share of owning why the marriage failed so he can move on without thinking and dwelling how he ‘should have done this or that’ like it would have saved the marriage. The deeper issue is he married a serial adulterer who can’t be faithful due to your own deeper issues. He needs to work on his “woman picker”. If left unsaid, he might pick another like you and as his ex, through the kids, learn how he gets dumped and cheated on again. Do not let him repeat that hurt or it will end him. Do you really want the father of your kids to be depressed and bitter over his life and them to think being a doormat is how a husband should be? Give him something to help him understand and grow. 

Question 3. Probably the fog. Doesn’t mean your complaints aren’t real, just rather magnified so you feel less guilty. That’s what a lot of it is about; You making excuses and justifications in your head to make it ‘not as bad’ as the serial adulterer you know you are. It isn’t special, nor are you. Anyone can get laid, that isn’t something special. Special is being able to say no based on some higher principal or loyalty you might feel toward another. You lack that.

Question 4. I think you are making the right choice, but for the wrong reasons. You are the real issue and you know it. Being around him probably makes you feel even more guilty and reminds you how bad you are. That means you don’t feel good around him. That adds to the fog and need to find other reasons for why you feel like that. So, he’s probably like I was; Struggling to understand why any little flaw he has is a big deal. He gave up the finances because you always told him he did them wrong... Gave up doing a lot of thing around the house because you never said anything nice about that effort. Always a complaint. So, he spends time with those that appreciate him.... the kids, friends, and his hobbies. I bet he doesn’t really like just ‘hanging out’ with you because you, to shed your own guilt, are looking for and seeking out anything he does wrong to point it out. Those are the excuses you are hanging onto. He really needs to rebuild himself into that guy he was before he started listening to you; That guy was the one you fell in love with. Then you wrecked him trying to mold him into your fantasy accessory.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Even if its a zombie, lets hope that it had a happy ending where her husband found out she is a serial cheating betrayer of the marriage. Exposed her married cheating pos boyfriends and divorced her hard and fast.

That he got the kids and the house and that he upgraded to a wife who is loving and loyal and great mom to the kids, while OP is off drinking and partying with married losers who only want to have some lousy sex with her.

Meanwhile she sits alone on holidays and vacations because everyone in the family she chose to betray has seen her for the person she is and they've cut her out forever.

All because at only 6 months into her marriage she began cheating on her husband,

Also, hopefully the husband DNA tested the kids to make he us only raising his own.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

You're husband isn't very attracted to you and your boyfriend needs Viagra to sleep with you.....

Not to be mean but might you be unattractive or have hygiene issues?

Your husband seems like a nice guy. Something doesn't add up here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes the PA is your fault and it was a terrible thing not only to do to your husband but your kids will suffer from this as well. It was a completely selfish act on your part.

You have to come clean with everyone on this and I mean everyone. It sounds like you have issues that should have been dealt with in IC and MC for both of you. 

Put on the big girl panties and put your kids, and your husband first. Let your family and his family not what you did, tell your husband everything he wants to know about your A's. Go to a Dr and get checked for STD's and get your butt into MC right away


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Dead Thread


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