# Best chance to save my marriage



## Hrtache80 (Dec 16, 2021)

Hi all. My wife (30) and me (41) has been married for 5 years, together for 8 years. About 9 months ago my wife separated from me and moved out. She was very angry and told me many different things like she needed a break, and that I have to work hard to get her back. The reasons for leaving are complex, our marriage has been difficult at times. We are both responsible for it, but I take most of the blame on me. She has been unhappy because I have not been there for her. I've had a very difficult time at work with a narcissist boss, which has left me depressed and stressed all the time. This has affected our relationship badly. Her frustration grew as I wasn't able to give the relationship the time and energy needed, and therefore the conflict level grew. When the conflict level grew the situation spiralled and I became very frustrated as well.

Then some girl started texting me and this developed into an emotional affair. I was very selfish to do it. It wasn't sexual content in the texts, but this was en ego boost for me in a difficult time, and I didn't want to stop. This has hurt her a lot and is one of the main reasons she left. I remember her tears when she discovered this and it hurts to think about how stupid I've been and how much I have hurt her. Being our first reltionship we hadn't learned to communicate well either.

After she left I cut out the other woman immediately and started therapy to work on my depression, and find out why I had an affair. I also have a new job now. I started reading books about marriages (Gottman's books), and I have changed how I communicate with her. I have apologized for hurting her a lot of times, and we have kept seeing each other every two weeks or so. Communication has been on a near daily basis, almost. She has been unable to decide if she wants to work on the marriage, and I have felt a lot of resistance at times.

But I thought things were going the right way because a few weeks ago she came for a visit and talked about working on the relationship. We talked about going to marriage therapy, we talked about the future together, about where we want to live etc. And we planned to go out for dinner together. From all of this I got really hopeful, and therefore my disappointment was big when a few days later she again told me she was very unsure about our relationship. She has been unsure the whole way and this has been an emotional roller coaster for me. At times I've been depressed and crying when she told me bad news. She has told me that I need to find some strength as she doesn't want to come back to a guy she feels sorry for. She also has told me it can take years for her to come back. And now a few weeks later she recently visited me and basically told me that it's not fair to keep me waiting when she can't decide, and she then tells me it's over and I should move on. She has seen how much this kind of ambivalence can ruin a mans psyche, as she knows a couple who is in the similar situation. But it's all a bit unclear as she said basically this was a decision until summer as she couldn't know what would happen in the future. I'm devastated, I really love her and miss her every day. Why the turnaround?

I asked her if she wants a divorce, she said no. We can't divorce before 12 months of separation. Because I've really hurt her I've been thinking that I should be really humble, kind, helpful and understanding.

What do you think is the best way to approach the situation in order to save the marriage?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The part where she say can't divorce before 12 months of separation is the law in some places. That doesn't mean she doesn't want a divorce. It sounds like she doesn't trust you and that has eroded her feelings which were probably already eroding from lack of attention and your depression. Then to find out she is being ignored but you have time to pay attention to another woman. That probably put the nail in the coffin.

Can it be saved? No sure. Do you actually want to save it or just not wanting to let go?
If you loved her why were you unable to pay attention to her but could the other woman?
Are you just afraid to be alone?

If you have any chance of saving it then stop crying and constantly asking about saving it. Just do it. Text her, call her, ask her on dates. 

Separation gives her a chance to date other men. She may just be discovering that there are still plenty of interested parties. Or maybe she is discovering that she doesn't like the one who are interested. I'd say the back and forth is probably going to flow with what's out in the world and how much pressure you put on her. You make her feel too guilty for not deciding or keeping you in limbo and she'll decide (just probably not in your favor). 

How did you attract her in the first place? Be that guy but only better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So at 33 years old a 22 year old was your 1st relationship?

Then you didn't want to give up the other woman until your wife left? 

So ts not really about her...it's all about you and your life and your pain. Hurting your wife didn't bother you until she left.

Everything is about you and she sees it.

This is what you should be thinking about and addressing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is 30 years old.
She is still in her prime years. 

If she is not looking for a new man, I would be surprised.



The thing is....

Other men will sniff her out.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

She likely wants you to move on because she found a new guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> She likely wants you to move on because she found a new guy.


Did you read the whole post?

Or did you just skip the part about his cheating?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you read the whole post?
> 
> Or did you just skip the part about his cheating?


I didn't skip that. I just think she made the decision to end the relationship because she found a new guy, in response to his cheating and doesn't want to tell him that part.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> I didn't skip that. I just think she made the decision to end the relationship because she found a new guy, in response to his cheating and doesn't want to tell him that part.


Perhaps, but how do you know?

His cheating isn't enough of a reason?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Perhaps, but how do you know?
> 
> His cheating isn't enough of a reason?


Yes, it would be reason enough to end this one and start a new one.

To be clear, I'm not blaming her for ending the relationship. The partner that cheats is the one who has invariably ended it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So what I don't get. Is if this Emotional Affair was so great and made you feel so good why did you give it up? I mean I never have understood this. If it is worth losing your marriage over it must be really great. Why wouldn't you be excited your wife left so you can now pursue the OW?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> So what I don't get. Is if this Emotional Affair was so great and made you feel so good why did you give it up? I mean I never have understood this. If it is worth losing your marriage over it must be really great. Why wouldn't you be excited your wife left so you can now pursue the OW?


Because, the EA was in text. The chick most likely wasn't going to give it up, so no physical affair possible. This dude looks to be a weak individual emotionally: my boss messed me up, and I went into depression. Jesus, how weak is that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> Because, the EA was in text. The chick most likely wasn't going to give it up, so no physical affair possible. This dude looks to be a weak individual emotionally: my boss messed me up, and I went into depression. Jesus, how weak is that?


And he probably didn't think his wife was going anywhere, so in his mind he had both his wife and his side jollies.


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## Hrtache80 (Dec 16, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So what I don't get. Is if this Emotional Affair was so great and made you feel so good why did you give it up? I mean I never have understood this. If it is worth losing your marriage over it must be really great. Why wouldn't you be excited your wife left so you can now pursue the OW?


I liked the OW but I love my wife. I took her for granted. I know it's a very selfish and stupid thing to do. I hurt her so deeply. There are no excuses...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Hrtache80 said:


> I liked the OW but I love my wife. I took her for granted. I know it's a very selfish and stupid thing to do. I hurt her so deeply. There are no excuses...


Yes you did. 
She's telling you that she has moved on and there is no coming back from that.


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## Hrtache80 (Dec 16, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Because, the EA was in text. The chick most likely wasn't going to give it up, so no physical affair possible. This dude looks to be a weak individual emotionally: my boss messed me up, and I went into depression. Jesus, how weak is that?


If a boss tries to wreck you emotionally over several years you wouldn't be affected? Read up on narcissistic abuse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Because, the EA was in text. The chick most likely wasn't going to give it up, so no physical affair possible. This dude looks to be a weak individual emotionally: my boss messed me up, and I went into depression. Jesus, how weak is that?


Loads of normal guys get depression. It's an illness.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Hrtache80 said:


> If a boss tries to wreck you emotionally over several years you wouldn't be affected? Read up on narcissistic abuse.


I've been there. It is best to learn to leave the work life at work


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hrtache80 said:


> If a boss tries to wreck you emotionally over several years you wouldn't be affected? Read up on narcissistic abuse.


Sure… but how do people be so wrecked emotionally that they’re able to be healthy enough to invest in a side relationship, in secret? How does this happen? Quite another layer of stress to be adding, right? (But it wasn’t stressful at all. None of this was stressful until you got caught and your wife left you. Not even the job.)

In true abusive situations, people lose function. So for example, they become so unwell that they are unable to work, unable to get up most mornings, unable to connect with anyone. The body and mind cannot cope with a basic conversation. 

Sorry it has come to this, I think your wife is concerned that if she comes back to you, you’ll just eventually at some point make contact with the other woman again. No, don’t try to win her over or any of the things you asked if you should do. That would be very dishonest, given the behaviour you describe towards her that you showed for the rest of your marriage. I would think it best that you do encourage her to divorce you, come clean to your friends and family too, and move forward. Not an easy situation. I hope you feel better in the future.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Hrtache80 said:


> If a boss tries to wreck you emotionally over several years you wouldn't be affected?


In this job environment you quit the second you receive abuse from a boss. Move on, Problem solved. You never should have stayed in that toxic work environment.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Perhaps, but how do you know?
> 
> His cheating isn't enough of a reason?


An unsexual EA? I’m sure she left because he was replaced. She probably separated to try to test drive a new guy and he passed the test, so she wants to move on but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. probably hopes that he pulls the plug. 

She’s young and OP is now middle aged. He could be a guy in his 40s who has it going on but I’m not getting that vibe. Not trying to be insulting but a large age spread only works if the man really has his stuff together. It’s not enough to just have a good career. An 11 year spread requires a lot from the man.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jsmart said:


> An unsexual EA? I’m sure she left because he was replaced. She probably separated to try to test drive a new guy and he passed the test, so she wants to move on but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. probably hopes that he pulls the plug.
> 
> She’s young and OP is now middle aged. He could be a guy in his 40s who has it going on but I’m not getting that vibe. Not trying to be insulting but a large age spread only works if the man really has his stuff together. It’s not enough to just have a good career. An 11 year spread requires a lot from the man.


No, he described what sort of a husband he was and what he did. That’s why she left. Make no mistake, when a man is giving his all via text to another women, and absolutely nothing to his wife, there would have been lengthy steps and pain leading up to her finally standing up for herself. Whether there was sex or not is irrelevant. I can only imagine how far he pushed it. He’s only cut contact because she left. I can only imagine how nice he was to the OW and how that felt to be getting absolutely nothing, but to see what an amazing man he can be to another women… even if it was only online. 😒


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Hrtache80 said:


> If a boss tries to wreck you emotionally over several years you wouldn't be affected? Read up on narcissistic abuse.


No. You have to be a pathetic weak man. To allow this type of abuse. For God's sake are you one of those? Because, I certainly wouldn't let it pass after a couple of instances before I go to HR and raise a stink, and/or a lawyer to suit.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Loads of normal guys get depression. It's an illness.


Diana: please read what he wrote 



Hrtache80 said:


> work with a narcissist boss, which has left me depressed and stressed all the time. This has affected our relationship badly.


That's not an illness, that's a weak guy that can't handle stress and takes it home. 
Excuses, excuses. These days there's no accountability. It's always someone else's fault but mine.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Op your not listening to your wife. You took her for granted for a long time and you cheated on her. Now you expect her to come back? Not going to happen.
She’s thirty years old, she’s in the prime of her life. She’s not going to waste any more years to see if you can behave like a husband. 
Let her go and don’t cause any problems in the divorce.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Diana: please read what he wrote
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agreed. The EA was probably an easy out for her. I'm sure being with a guy who can't even stand up for himself against a boss wasn't doing the marriage any favors. In her mind, if he can't stand up for himself, how could he stand up for her if there was ever any real danger?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jsmart said:


> An unsexual EA? I’m sure she left because he was replaced. She probably separated to try to test drive a new guy and he passed the test, so she wants to move on but doesn’t want to be the bad guy. probably hopes that he pulls the plug.
> 
> She’s young and OP is now middle aged. He could be a guy in his 40s who has it going on but I’m not getting that vibe. Not trying to be insulting but a large age spread only works if the man really has his stuff together. It’s not enough to just have a good career. An 11 year spread requires a lot from the man.


So since it was non sexual she's obligated to suck it up? She's not the bad guy either way... he's the one who sniffed elsewhere.

I agree about the age difference, particularly since he was 33 to her 22 when they met.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hrtache80 said:


> I liked the OW but I love my wife. I took her for granted. I know it's a very selfish and stupid thing to do. I hurt her so deeply. *There are no excuses.*..


Aye, some might stick to a sow's ear.
Nay, none would stick to a silk purse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So since it was non sexual she's obligated to suck it up? She's not the bad guy either way... he's the one who sniffed elsewhere.
> 
> *I agree about the age difference*, particularly since he was 33 to her 22 when they met.


Jeez! Again?

No mercy for that older, and shared wine that has aged nicely.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Jeez! Again?
> 
> No mercy for that older, and shared wine that has aged nicely.


Do you have your eye on someone much younger?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do you have your eye on someone much younger?


Which eye, is it?

We have many...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hrtache80 said:


> I asked her if she wants a divorce, she said no. We can't divorce before 12 months of separation. Because I've really hurt her I've been thinking that I should be really humble, kind, helpful and understanding.
> 
> What do you think is the best way to approach the situation in order to save the marriage?


So if I'm reading this right, you were a 33 year old man that had never been in a relationship before. You got with a 22 year old that was also inexperienced in relationships. 

Then you had emotional problems and anxiety issues which you blame on your boss but yet you neglected her at home. 

Then you got into some kind of weird txting with some chick (which you blame HER for starting,, but we all know she didn't make that first move) that you weren't even scoring with...... and now you are distressed that she left you and is unsure if she wants to remain with you?????

Have I missed something? 

I will offer you this - Let her go if she wants to go. Stop chasing her like a love sick little puppy. IF she won't commit to marriage and reconciliation, then you commit to divorce. 

It is fair of you to take an All-in or all-out position and not allow yourself to be stuck in limbo. I will give you that. 

Then continue with your therapy. Grow up and get yourself straightened out and treat your emotional and anxiety disorder.
Hold down a steady job and learn to not bring your work issues home and learn to be resilient and able to function as an adult man even in the face of work stress. 

Then you yourself get out and date casually and learn to interrelate with adult women on an adult personal level. I'm not necessarily saying to have or not have sex with them. I am saying get to know them on a personal level and learn to interrelate with them on a personal level. 

Then when you have yourself squared away and a fully functioning adult manner (which she is correct, that may be a number of years) then if she is single at that time, you can ask her out on a date and see how it goes. 

But you are in no condition to be married or in any kind of committed and legally binding marriage now. 

And for the love of God and all that is holy, do not father any children until you get yourself squared away and functional.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So she gripes and complains because your having a hard time at work. She isn’t there for you at all basically. Then your talking to another woman about work and life, nothing sexual. Is that cheating or just being a friend? 

Divorce your so called wife and find a woman that isn’t so high maintenance. If she can’t help you get through a tough situation at work, what good is she. All she did was B and complain instead of trying to help.


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## EssexUKMale (Jan 13, 2022)

Hrtache80 said:


> Hi all. My wife (30) and me (41) has been married for 5 years, together for 8 years. About 9 months ago my wife separated from me and moved out. She was very angry and told me many different things like she needed a break, and that I have to work hard to get her back. The reasons for leaving are complex, our marriage has been difficult at times. We are both responsible for it, but I take most of the blame on me. She has been unhappy because I have not been there for her. I've had a very difficult time at work with a narcissist boss, which has left me depressed and stressed all the time. This has affected our relationship badly. Her frustration grew as I wasn't able to give the relationship the time and energy needed, and therefore the conflict level grew. When the conflict level grew the situation spiralled and I became very frustrated as well.
> 
> Then some girl started texting me and this developed into an emotional affair. I was very selfish to do it. It wasn't sexual content in the texts, but this was en ego boost for me in a difficult time, and I didn't want to stop. This has hurt her a lot and is one of the main reasons she left. I remember her tears when she discovered this and it hurts to think about how stupid I've been and how much I have hurt her. Being our first reltionship we hadn't learned to communicate well either.
> 
> ...


You didn’t have a emotional affair. Don’t believe that ****. As you said he had left you. You can’t cheat if she’s separated from you. You simply started to move on. She wants you as a doormat plan b


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

Hrtache80 said:


> Hi all. My wife (30) and me (41) has been married for 5 years, together for 8 years. About 9 months ago my wife separated from me and moved out. She was very angry and told me many different things like she needed a break, and that I have to work hard to get her back. The reasons for leaving are complex, our marriage has been difficult at times. We are both responsible for it, but I take most of the blame on me. She has been unhappy because I have not been there for her. I've had a very difficult time at work with a narcissist boss, which has left me depressed and stressed all the time. This has affected our relationship badly. Her frustration grew as I wasn't able to give the relationship the time and energy needed, and therefore the conflict level grew. When the conflict level grew the situation spiralled and I became very frustrated as well.
> 
> Then some girl started texting me and this developed into an emotional affair. I was very selfish to do it. It wasn't sexual content in the texts, but this was en ego boost for me in a difficult time, and I didn't want to stop. This has hurt her a lot and is one of the main reasons she left. I remember her tears when she discovered this and it hurts to think about how stupid I've been and how much I have hurt her. Being our first reltionship we hadn't learned to communicate well either.
> 
> ...


You know what really gets me about these situations, People say they couldn't find time for each other but yet they manage to find time to cheat with other people, My take is if you can find time for others you can certainly find time for your spouse at least more time than they were getting. 
Plus you should have discussed with him/her what was happening at work so you could try to find a solution then at least they would understand better the position you were in.
But once you start adding other people to the mix it's all downhill from there know turning back and that is the way the spouse would actually see it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Hrtache80 said:


> I need to find some strength as she doesn't want to come back to a guy she feels sorry for. and she then tells me it's over and I should move on. ruin a mans psyche,


She already told you everything you need to know. She doesn’t view you as a man but as an issue that drags her down with your lack of personal strength.
You need to move on as I’m sure she will not have any problems finding a guy (or 3) at that age. She’s still got it while you are falling apart.


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