# what/how to tell the kids



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I gave my WH 2 weeks to find a place, as him being here is way too hard for me. we haven't told the kids (6,5) anything besides mommy and daddy need some time apart. We, of course will tell them together but I want him to tell them, he is the one thats wants the D. He is basically leaving his family for the OW. 

I think we are going to tell him a couple of days before he leaves.

I'm nervous, scared and basically fighting a losing battle trying to save our marriage. He refuses MC. His head is so far up his a$$, that I don't think he gets what he is doing. 

Anyway...I am in desperate need of support. I have been having really bad says and I need to be strong, for me but mostly for my kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

When my wife wanted the separation (no cheating involved) I ended up moving out 3 weeks later into my own place. Our kids are the same age (4 & 6) and we both sat them down prior to me leaving and then the night I left and explained that Mommy & Daddy were going to spending some time apart but we reinforced that both parents still love them very much, it had nothing to do with them and laid out what the schedule was for when we would see each other.

No blame was placed on either party just that we needed to live apart for a while. We continued to reinforce both parents commitment to them even while separated. Since my wife filed for divorce, we have told them that we wont be getting back together but they have had 2-3 months of getting used to us being apart. 

Its a tough conversation either way but I would recommend you tell them together, no blame, and focus on how it will affect them. There is no easy way


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

my son was 6 when my husband decided he wanted out, he was taking way to long to tell him guilt i imagine, I had to keep telling our son daddy was working alot. finally I got tired of it and sat him down myself, its hard but i wanted to tell him in a way he would understand, so I sat him down and said daddy wont be living with us anymore, he asked why I said mommy and daddy just grew apart, like when you had your elmo stuffed animal you loved it, and now you grew out of it, some people just grow apart like that but some stay together like nicolas(his cousin) he still has his micky mouse stuffed animal, some people never grow apart, i didnt want him to think he would grow up and grow apart from whomever he was with. i said we love you and this has nothing to do with you. he cried but i think telling him that way made it easier for him to understand. you have to make their life as normal as possible, my husband and i were civil to each other, i never let my son see me cry. I had to be strong for him, i know its hard to put on a brave face, it killed me to sit on the floor and play with him and not lose it, but i had to keep it together for him. and we never seen his attitude change he still did great in school, and i did call his teacher and let her know what was going on so she could call if she seen a change. i kept his life the same as when we were all together. 


I am a stay at home mom and we were always so busy, we did everything, even the things his father should have been doing with him cause his head was so far up his a$$ to. we went fishing, amusement parks, we even took off to disney for a week. after about a yr my husband started coming out of his fog and doing things with him. thats when we started having dinners together. we even took our son to the movies together. we are now back together as a family. I hope when your stbx realises what hes doing mabey you can be a family again.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

My kids are 2 and 4. The 2 year old doesn't really know the difference... but my 4 year old was bound to know something was up, so I told him immediately.

We are still living in the same house, until it sells, but in separate rooms. I just sat my son down, told him that we loved him and always would, that it wasn't his fault, and that mommy and daddy just weren't good friends anymore, so we were going to sleep in separate bedrooms.

He associates everything with "friends"... He asked if he could help us be better friends again and I told him no. That he wasn't the reason that we weren't friends and he couldn't fix it for us.

He seems okay with that and has adjusted pretty well... granted it's only a week old.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

We sat our kids down together and explained that we were separating (first conversation). We explained the schedule where they would still see both of us about equal amounts of time. We also made sure to point out that both of us still love them very much. There is a book linked in my signature. It has been very helpful. 

One thing is that kids tend to think it is their fault. A story from the book helped when we had our talk. We have a dog, so I used that as a real example. You could use a pretend dog, if you don't have one. I told my son to do a play with me. We would pretend it was my turn to feed the dog, but I didn't want to because I was watching TV. I said I was going to ask him to feed the dog. He was to refuse and argue with me that it was my turn.

We went a minute or two arguing back and forth about why each of us should feed the dog. Then I stopped the play. I asked if it is the dog's fault we are arguing. Of course, the kids all clearly saw that it wasn't. I said that is like your mother and I. You did nothing to cause us to separate. Also, there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. It is strictly between us. The story helped them to see that.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

bellringer said:


> my son was 6 when my husband decided he wanted out, he was taking way to long to tell him guilt i imagine, I had to keep telling our son daddy was working alot. finally I got tired of it and sat him down myself, its hard but i wanted to tell him in a way he would understand, so I sat him down and said daddy wont be living with us anymore, he asked why I said mommy and daddy just grew apart, like when you had your elmo stuffed animal you loved it, and now you grew out of it, some people just grow apart like that but some stay together like nicolas(his cousin) he still has his micky mouse stuffed animal, some people never grow apart, i didnt want him to think he would grow up and grow apart from whomever he was with. i said we love you and this has nothing to do with you. he cried but i think telling him that way made it easier for him to understand. you have to make their life as normal as possible, my husband and i were civil to each other, i never let my son see me cry. I had to be strong for him, i know its hard to put on a brave face, it killed me to sit on the floor and play with him and not lose it, but i had to keep it together for him. and we never seen his attitude change he still did great in school, and i did call his teacher and let her know what was going on so she could call if she seen a change. i kept his life the same as when we were all together.
> 
> 
> I am a stay at home mom and we were always so busy, we did everything, even the things his father should have been doing with him cause his head was so far up his a$$ to. we went fishing, amusement parks, we even took off to disney for a week. after about a yr my husband started coming out of his fog and doing things with him. thats when we started having dinners together. we even took our son to the movies together. we are now back together as a family. I hope when your stbx realises what hes doing mabey you can be a family again.


Ha I don't think that will happen in a million years. My STBX has told me I am disposable, he should have never married me, he has been miserable nearly the whole time, AND he will find someone else, get married and be really happy (like his buddies did) and our child will be just fine.

Funny... I've listened to him for the past 13 yrs tell me the day his parents told him they was getting a divorce, will haunt him forever.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

very hurtful thing to say that your disposable. you know what, you need to pick yourself up dust yourself off and live for yourself and your children, they are the innocent ones in this and they dont deserve it, if were always wondering what ifs and that consumes our days then they suffer. thats why i said f it. if he wants to go then he can go but im not gonna sit around waiting. I went out with my son all the time and my friends, I like going to the casinos for the bands and the slots and I had a blast over the summer with my sister, she was my date all the time. (shes married but her husband dont mind her going out with me) i was living it up. I met some great guys but didnt want any of them. I was having the time of my life. I was with husband for 22 yrs and married 11 of them, and he was controlling so i could never just get up and go out when i wanted but he did. 


now i am the one in control. last week i texted him telling him i was going out, he sounded a little mad but i said look im not telling you to get ur permission im telling you just so your prepared when you get home and see me leaving. I said im not walking on egg shells anymore. he was fine with it even gave me some money and said have a great time. 

sometimes i think i was to laid back or a whimp and he wanted me to be more outgoing and *****y. i couldnt change someone that didnt want to be changed so i let him go and moved on for my son and myself. I think when husband seen i was doing great without him it made him realise he wanted me back and i wasnt that boring after all. he told me he was bored. things are different now here, its nice to be able to speak my mind and take no crap. i couldnt just lay down and die when he left i had a son to raise, and he wasnt gonna get neglected by me begging and crying all the time. i never once asked husband to come back. i remember the phone call like it was yesterday(yes coward called to ask for divorce) when i got the call i said hello he said hi i knew something was wrong and then he said we need to talk, i want a divorce things changed im bored and unhappy, I was taken back and i was upset but i just said ok, got off the phone and called my sister, I did cry, i also had to take my son after school for a flu shot so i had to pull myself together. good thing he cried when he got the shot cause i did cry but he thought i just felt bad for him. 


husband stayed out that nite in a hotel, next day he came home like nothing happened and asked us where we wanted to go to dinner, i looked at him and said you take son, balls, then i went to go to bed in the spare room and he said you can sleep in the bed with me still, i just walked away and went to bed in the spare room, nut, the next morning i told him he had to move out i couldnt live with him he said really you want me to move out, idiot. then he came downstairs and said did you call steven? (that is his step moms brother who is also his lawyer) i said why? he said hes gonna be our lawyer, I said not mine i have my own, I had one by the end of the day. I think he thought i was stupid and i would just let him take controll again as he always did. not this time. I was sad for a couple days although i hid it good, until my son said to me mommy we havent had a good dinner in a while, that was it, i snapped out of it and was at the market that day, from then on it was about him and i. husbands mother n father got divorced and she was a basket case for a long time, still she is a bitter old woman n the divorce was like 26 yrs ago. she was bad always down the police station for vandelizing her ex's things, she even put the hose in his car and filled it with water, spray painted his house, and my husband was 13 he knew what she was doing, she wouldnt get off the couch, so the kids suffered, my husband has issues from their divorce, his younger brother who was only 3 when it happened still says my husband should see a theripist for there parents divorce, besides his mother made all the boys her serrogant husbands expecting them to buy her the world, they bought her brand new cars up until we were married. she is very toxic, she still tries to guilt them into everything, my son wouldnt live like that. and husband thought i would just lay down and die like his mother did, beg him until he had it all his way, hell no i was and still am stronger than his mother. she hates all the boys wives and gf before us. i think she is upset that were back together even, she had him to herself again for a yr and a half, now hes gone again, his control issues are from her cause she always has to be in control the father did to, and when i asked what his family would think of him coming back he finally grew a pair and said he didnt care they didnt live his life.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Bellringer: OMG you are telling my story nearly to the letter.

H tells me he wants a divorce. He's miserable, I've ruined his life - you know the drill. Goes out comes back acts like nothing happened. I tell him to move out and he is SHOCKED. Goes and stays at his brothers and has been there ever since.

Few days later he opens his own bank account and starts putting is paycheck in there (I'm a SAHM too). Then he proceeds to tell me he wants to use a mediator for the divorce.

HELL NO. I told him you can use whoever the hell you like, I'm getting an attorney and guess what, you;re paying not me. He said I was being nasty. I said no I'm going to ensure survival for me and OUR child, since you are walking out to find "the woman of your dreams" and your happy life...

_*Are these guys for real? Do I really look like a doormat?*_

I swear to my personal god, one dollar witheld from me to live on and I'm hiring an attorney, and filing legal sep. and getting a court order for child support and alimony.

AND last week I sent him a letter of no contact. Don't want him coming anywhere near me anymore. text me for child visitation schedules, thankyou. He wants a divorce he can start living the reality of a divorce. Cheers to his "happy life"!!


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

broken, good for you, you sound strong already. I made mine pay the whole thing to. plus when the courts were done he was paying me 2500 a month. but i was only getting 1500 for alimony for a yr. but it helped. dont give up the fight, live your life show him that you might have wanted him but you dont need him. good luck keep me posted


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Below is a copy paste from a much older thread where I addressed this question:


***
What I have to say is based on having lived through this discussion as a teenager, and then having it as an adult with my own young children, ages 6 and 3 at the time.

My parents divorce was a train-wreck. When they pulled us together for 'the talk', they used the standard opener with me and my two younger siblings;
"You kids didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault. This is between mom and dad."

Don't use this line. By highlighting what your kids didn't do, and what isn't their fault, they will start thinking about what they did do, and what is their fault, despite the warning.

Both of my parents became very emotional. It created tremendous uncertainty, instability and an overwhelming sense of tragedy. It cascaded into an avalanche of pain and confusion. I will never in my life forget my brother pleading with my parents, sobbing and saying "I'll behave. I'll be good." My parents cried more as a result - so the kids cried more. Seeing my brother and sister in that much pain, broke me too.

Don't. If you cannot have the talk without becoming emotional in responding to the kids or your spouse... then don't have the talk. Here is my perspective, you get to form your own. I had a 'no tears policy' when it came to telling the children.

Children are mirrors. Their feelings will often reflect what they see and sense. As adults, yes, we know that the death of a marriage is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic. You do not, and should not, need to reflect that fact when telling your children. There is no upside to making sure that they understand and feel in no uncertain terms that the bottom just fell out of their world.

They are not nearly as interested in feelings as they are in behavior. To younger children, behavior reflects feelings. Mom and dad represent safety, security, and stability. If mom and dad get swept up in guilt, sadness, remorse, or other powerful emotions - you are going to sweep up your kids in the riptide, and in my view, you are being irresponsible. You need to reflect strength and stability.

It's ok if they do not understand. It's ok if they are sad. Validate those feelings. But if they see you emulating calm, strength and control, they will still believe that mom and dad will hold together the fabric of their world. And as parents, you had damn well better.

The kids neither need, nor want details. They don't need to know why. They don't need to know about whose fault it is, who has an addiction, or who is screwing someone else. This is specifically geared towards younger kids. Teens and young adults are a different story. If they ask the hard questions, you need to answer them honestly without coloring the response with your own bias. You can have that talk later.
Be short and to the point. Don't ramble.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies decide that they work best when they each have their own house. So do you know what? You guys are now going to have two houses. So now you will have two bedrooms! One at mommies house, and one at daddy's house. And sometimes you will have sleepovers at mommies house and other times you will have sleepovers at daddy's house. Mom will put on the calendar when we get to have sleepovers at daddy's. And we will get to do fun things, and best of all, we will still have our family."

The above is pretty much verbatim what I said. I said it with wide eyes and a smile, almost making it sound exciting. The reality of the circumstances were going to be the same whether I delivered the message sobbing or with a smile. Want to take a wild guess how they reacted?

My son asked, "but you will still sleep here too?"
My response, "Nope, daddy will sleep and wake up at his own house. But it will be just like when you wake up in the morning and daddy has gone to work."

I did most of the talking. And much to her credit, my spouse held back tears, and when she spoke it was to repeat, and reassure the kids of something I had just said.
I strove to put things in a context that they were already familiar with. I continued to come to the house two nights a week to help with bedtime and read stories. As time passed, we weened away from that practice.

My spouse and I treat parenting like a business, or a job. Regardless of whether or not you get along with everyone in your workplace, you still have to work together to do the job right. I recognize that not all dissolutions are going to be free of acrimony or pain, but I firmly believe that how loved or secure your children feel has little to do with where each parent resides. It is much more about how each parent makes them feel, and responds to their feelings.

You can absolutely convince your children that your divorce, and their lives are about to become a nightmare - or just as easily convince them that they don't need to be frightened and you will take care of them. Just as you always have.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Deejo-
Thank you for the positive perspective placed on mommy and daddy divorce. I have a 5 and 10 year old I'm about to talk to. Im lucky to have come across your post.


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