# what should i do??



## eva.hollis (Sep 8, 2008)

My inlaws are obsessed with being in my husbands life...
they try to tell us what to do with our money, and how to raise our kids... i have only been married to a little over a year, and my inlaws are making me want to get out of his family asap!
My husband is in the army and is currently deployed, and my inlaws have made my life a living hell thru the whole deployment... My husbands dad told my husband not to marry me && not to share a bank account with me bcuz his wife has screwed him over in everyway so he tells My husband not to trust me... I am soo lost on what to do.. my husband is my world but his family is driving us apart...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds to me like you H is influenced by what your in laws are doing and saying. I had issues with my in laws in the beginning of my marriage also. i actually gave my H an ultimatum on that one. when he disregarded my feelings about how his mom was treating me by allowing her to come to the apartment without even asking me (she had previously sent vile emails about me to him calling me everything in the book), well i bought an airline ticket back to my mom's and told him to decide which way he wanted to live.

of course ultimatums rarely work so i wouldnt suggest that in every case. but you need to talk to your H and let him know how this is affecting him but you also need to let him know what you expect from him during all of this. Do you feel he is siding with his family? do you feel he is disregarding your feelings? these are all things you need to talk about. You also need to let him know that although you love him you cant live this way for long.

when i talk to my H about my in laws i always try to make it very clear that i do not in any way dislike them or want them out of our lives. I let him know i want them in our lives in a healthy way.


----------



## eva.hollis (Sep 8, 2008)

my feelings are completly disregarded..he doesnt side with his parents but he doesnt stand up to them either... he tells me he will deal with it and then he doesnt..his parents impose on us all the time, we get two weeks for is midtour next month and they want to come down for a week... idk what to do anymore, i have given him the ultimatum too but like you said it doesnt work..
my father in law emailed my husband telling him a bunch of lies.. my father inlaw has alot of problems with his wife && he believes i am jus like his wife


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

eva.hollis said:


> my feelings are completly disregarded..he doesnt side with his parents but he doesnt stand up to them either... he tells me he will deal with it and then he doesnt..


Yup had the same issues. Guys are much different. To him, he is handling it. He's probably been dealing with this his entire life. Its nothing new and its no big deal. Ignoring it is handling it to him. 

I think instead of focusing on what the in laws are doing, focus on what you need from your H. And set some boundaries for yourself. I let my H known that until he stood up for me I couldnt be anywhere near his family. I had some very specific things i needed from him-one was that he stop the emails from his mom and another was that when she started bashing me over the phone that he stand up for me and not allow her to do that. 

this is a really hard thing for a guy to do. it is completely out of character for most men to stand up to their parents. Remember your H has been subjected to this kind of talk his entire life. he's just used to it. its no big deal. he's just learned to ignore it and that works for him. And when you jump in and try to change things he just feels annoyed because he doesnt understand why you cant just let it go like he can-at least that was my H's attitude. 

Try to focus on one small thing that you think he would be willing to do something about it-for me it was that he not allow his mom to continue to bash me on the phone. i dropped everything else. remember to focus on how you are feeling and that he is not standing up for you. make this about you and him and not his family as much. and remember to be patient. he's not going to change overnight, if at all, and these things take a long time. you have to go slow. micromanage the issue. break it down into little parts and have small goals over a long period of time.


----------



## eva.hollis (Sep 8, 2008)

i talked to my husband last night about the whole situation, his parents and the lies as well as my trust issues... I straight up told him that we all need to sit down and talk me him and his parents... we have to get to the bottom of their beef with me... he agreed to it so hopefully that will help our problem some..now about the lies he said he has been completly honest with me since we had a talk a few months ago, so i am jus going to forget the lies in the past and beleive that he is not going to lie to me any more...&& hopefully he means it... I also told him that i am sorry about my jealousy and not being able to trust him as much as i should... i told him i would get help but i want him to be there with me to understand where i am coming from... hopefully by the time he comes home in march i am going to be alot better... maybe not healed by then but jus better and working on it...


----------

