# Is it wrong to expect your wife to talk about prior experiences?



## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

We have been happily married for 18 years. Our sex life is great (multiple times a week). Lately because of my diabetes, I have been having some problems. I never had this problem before and it is really bothering me. I talked to her about the various pills out there, and she is totally against it. She is a nurse and told me a few stories about bad side effects from them. I've never believed in drugs anyway and only take them because diabetes can do nasty stuff if not checked. And no, I'm not overweight -- I got diabetes from chemo I had years ago.

As I get older, I think I'm getting hornier (just one part of me is not cooperating). She is as beautiful as the day I met her, so much so, that she gets my libido going on a daily basis.

In the past, the wind blowing would get me to the state of ultimate blood flow. Now, I have to work a little harder. Lately, I noticed my arousal works better with fantasies, dirty talk and role play. Something she will do, but very enthusiastically and mostly parroting what I ask her to say. It almost has the opposite effect and then later I feel guilty even asking for that.

Prior to knowing me, she was much more experienced than me in the bedroom. She even pursued me and initiated first sexual contact! So I'm baffled why she wouldn't use that experience to try to arouse me without me "directing". I wouldn't mind specifics, but I'm not really asking for that.

When I discuss it, she gets defensive, like I'm blaming her. I'm just asking for her to do a little extra.

Mostly for the wives here, am I off base?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why can't you lead the role play? Take charge of it? If you plunge in and are not embarressed then maybe she will be fine too.

Plus it can really be a blow to a woman's ego if they think they no longer turn you on, so be very careful with what you say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I get where your wife is coming from. My brain short circuits and I simply can't think of what to say, only do. 

You could write erotic scenes with dialogue along with your wife. You email the script back and forth to each other, adding as you go. Have her read a scene or two. My H and I did once or twice. It was fun.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I don't think she quite understands what's going on. Even I had to read this a few times and I'm still not sure I understand - I think I do though.
> 
> You need help getting aroused but she's taking it like you're blaming her for the problem. She did what you asked her to do and you're still complaining so she's upset. I'm not sure how to fix I'm just saying I think I see where she's coming from.
> 
> But no you aren't off base. It's normal as men age to need a little extra to get aroused. So either the wife steps up or it's time for the little blue pills or maybe some testosterone.


If I had any more testosterone, they'd be scraping me and my swimmers off the moon !

I keep reading my post and maybe it is too long and confusing. I'm wondering why it's such a chore for her to take the *initiative *and just do what I like without being asked. She knows me well and it's not like I had to train her how to have sex.

I love to pleasure her. I know what she likes and I've learned from her how to do it well. I need a snorkel sometimes. I didn't get defensive when I was in my learning stage and not doing it her way.

And I shared something about my former sex life with her: I was a virgin! That is as embarrassing to a guy as a girl admitting she slept around!


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I get where your wife is coming from. My brain short circuits and I simply can't think of what to say, only do.
> 
> You could write erotic scenes with dialogue along with your wife. You email the script back and forth to each other, adding as you go. Have her read a scene or two. My H and I did once or twice. It was fun.


I've thought of the erotic stuff two, but I also think she may treat it the same way as the other stuff.



*Little Deer* said:


> Plus it can really be a blow to a woman's ego if they think they no longer turn you on, so be very careful with what you say.


She knows better. I can't keep my hands off her and she's always catching me undressing her with my eyes.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Are you saying you want her to describe her past experiences to you? 
She probably doesn't want you to be jealous. 
Its probably difficult for her. Maybe she feels like she's performing. Maybe the change is difficult for her too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Are you saying you want her to describe her past experiences to you?
> She probably doesn't want you to be jealous.
> Its probably difficult for her. Maybe she feels like she's performing. Maybe the change is difficult for her too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Married couples share embarrassing things and I wonder why in some way she won't share stories or even fantasies. Not specifics of former lovers or even gory details. I'm far from the jealous type and I'm confident in my equipment (when it functions correctly).

Once time, I thought I would act like a typical jerk guy in bed and demand very explicitly what she was going to do and allow me to do to her. I was very dominant and she was very submissive. It was a lot of fun (a little uncomfortable for me) and she told me later that it was so out of character for me that it was very exciting for her.

I took the initiative to act like some jerk guys act to women with the chance she might be offended but I wanted to change it up.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sharing stories, fantasies, dirty talk and role play are not everyone's thing. I'd be terrible at it; it really doesn't come naturally. I'd feel awkward and uncomfortable and it would kill my mood.

I especially wouldn't want to share stories of past experiences with other men with my current man! That just seems wrong to me - I don't want to be thinking about a past lover while with my partner, I don't find it sexy or arousing.

Perhaps your wife feels awkward about dirty talk and role play. Maybe she'd feel more comfortable with lingerie or a strip tease dance or something else. Is there anything else that would turn you on besides dirty talk and role play?


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> Sharing stories, fantasies, dirty talk and role play are not everyone's thing. I'd be terrible at it; it really doesn't come naturally. I'd feel awkward and uncomfortable and it would kill my mood.
> 
> I especially wouldn't want to share stories of past experiences with other men with my current man! That just seems wrong to me - I don't want to be thinking about a past lover while with my partner, I don't find it sexy or arousing.
> 
> Perhaps your wife feels awkward about dirty talk and role play. Maybe she'd feel more comfortable with lingerie or a strip tease dance or something else. Is there anything else that would turn you on besides dirty talk and role play?


I've bought sexy stockings and myself a stripper g-string. She loved it and then proceeded to loose them. I bought more stockings and they sit in my draw until I pull them out.

I don't always need external stimuli either. When the blood is flowing she could lay there like she was asleep.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm similar now that I'm older, but weight training and supplements takes care of me getting in the mood, same as when I was in my teens and early 20's, heh.

I have a suggestion. Every time you are going to have sex, give her oral to orgasm first, then the other sex afterwards.

You should be initiating sex the majority of the time and taking the lead, even though she may have more experiences and persued you first.

Try this and it works for me. While she is asleep, sneak out of bed and place flowers with a romantic card and her favorite sweets in an area she will go to first thing in the morning. Nice surprise. 

If you get home before she does, have dinner ready or order in as a surprise with candles and relaxing music. Afterwards, cuddle with her on the couch, talk about your day, watch a tv show you both would like and have a nap. Don't initiate sex and if she does, go for it.

My wife also likes it when I give her a back rub while I give her a kiss and hug before we go to work. She likes it so much, she closes her eyes and falls into me.

Buy some adult movies meant more for women and watch them with her. Buy some toys and scented oils.

Give her an oil back massage, then the front and then give her oral to orgasm.

Are there any fantasies you would like to try with her? Feet, Anal, Breasts??? What about hers?

To get me in the mood more and wake up hard, I take Arginine powder 10g with water on an empty stomach just before bed. This makes the body produce more human growth hormone, your dreams and almost real, clear and you remember them and you usually wake up hard. It's extremely cheap and safe.

If she is pretty much asleep, just suddenly, give her oral to orgasm, cuddle up to her back holding her and go to sleep. Surprise her, no warning, initiate, lead.

I have talked about my last gf with my wife and she has told me about her last bf. We knows the details and how each of our relationships were bad for us. We have talked somewhat about the sexual details but not too much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gabey said:


> Married couples share embarrassing things and I wonder why in some way she won't share stories or even fantasies. Not specifics of former lovers or even gory details. I'm far from the jealous type and I'm confident in my equipment (when it functions correctly).


I could see myself clamming up on this. I would not like to or want to talk about pior experiences. Why would I want to even go there. The thought of them are not exciting to me. There is a reason I'm not with others I was with in the past... the belong in the past, not in my bedroom with my husband. It would kill my desire to do this.

But, what I would do is to get some good with good erotic stories, poems, whatever and read those and take off from there.

Maybe you could see if she'd do that.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I find it difficult to talk about fantasies, especially if it is a new part of a relationship.

Would the two of you be open to looking at porn pics, perhaps setting up blogs on the likes of tumblr and posting pics or gifs that turn you on? There is a lot of gross stuff on there but also a lot of classy stuff and it may give an opening for a conversation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I can imagine very little that would turn me off quicker than describing my past sexual experiences to my husband and seeing him get all hot and bothered by the thought of me with someone else. That just doesn't do it for me. At all. It's a complete turn off.

Perhaps what you're asking your wife to do is turning her off. Isn't there some compromise you could agree to with her that you could both get into, rather than making you hot and her cold? I assume, after all, that good sex _for both of you _is the goal here.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I have a suggestion. Every time you are going to have sex, give her oral to orgasm first, then the other sex afterwards. If she is pretty much asleep, just suddenly, give her oral to orgasm, cuddle up to her back holding her and go to sleep. Surprise her, no warning, initiate, lead.


I live to do that to her. She has to be in the mood for it AND conditions have to be perfect (she needs to freshen up, towels ready, teens asleep). In other words, I can't surprise her with it.



CuddleBug said:


> You should be initiating sex the majority of the time and taking the lead, even though she may have more experiences and pursued you first.


I understand women and know we initiate most of the time. I just wonder why it has to be 99%.



CuddleBug said:


> Try this and it works for me. While she is asleep, sneak out of bed and place flowers with a romantic card and her favorite sweets in an area she will go to first thing in the morning. Nice surprise.


What works for your wife, I don't think would work for mine. She thinks flowers are a waste. She never equated sex with gifts.



CuddleBug said:


> Buy some adult movies meant more for women and watch them with her. Buy some toys and scented oils.


Tried that. Shes not into it and it doesn't seem to increase her libido.



CuddleBug said:


> Are there any fantasies you would like to try with her? Feet, Anal, Breasts??? What about hers?


That's the problem. She won't share them with me. I want to genuinely do what gets her hot. Also, she'll just do whatever I ask (with limits), but also won't take the initiative. For example, I would love her (on her own) to yell out "honey, do me harder!". The only way she does is if I ask her to say those exact words.



CuddleBug said:


> To get me in the mood more and wake up hard, I take Arginine powder 10g with water on an empty stomach just before bed.


Thanks, I'll research that.



CuddleBug said:


> I have talked about my last gf with my wife and she has told me about her last bf. We knows the details and how each of our relationships were bad for us. We have talked somewhat about the sexual details but not too much.


My wife won't, no matter what I tell her about my past. She says she is embarrassed. When we were dating she let me do a lot except play with her naked breasts. Finally, I pushed the issue and noticed scars from surgery. It was only then that she admitted augmentation surgery and to this day I'm the only one that knows it.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I could see myself clamming up on this. I would not like to or want to talk about pior experiences. Why would I want to even go there. The thought of them are not exciting to me. There is a reason I'm not with others I was with in the past... the belong in the past, not in my bedroom with my husband. It would kill my desire to do this.
> 
> But, what I would do is to get some good with good erotic stories, poems, whatever and read those and take off from there.
> 
> Maybe you could see if she'd do that.


I was thinking of it, but she will probably do it like she does dirty talk - with me enthusiastically directing and her unenthusiastically parroting.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I can imagine very little that would turn me off quicker than describing my past sexual experiences to my husband and seeing him get all hot and bothered by the thought of me with someone else. That just doesn't do it for me. At all. It's a complete turn off.
> 
> Perhaps what you're asking your wife to do is turning her off. Isn't there some compromise you could agree to with her that you could both get into, rather than making you hot and her cold? I assume, after all, that good sex _for both of you _is the goal here.


I think you are right and I'm glad to hear from the woman's point of view. I try my hardest to make love to her, not just have sex. When I'm in the mood (almost daily) and approach her, she almost always says something to the effect of "I'll take care of you". I my eyes, making love is not a one way street.

Now with the ED problems, I seem to need a bit more stimulation from her. She gets mad like I'm blaming her, but I assure her that it's just that "he" needs a little more help to come out and play. She doesn't realize that SHE is the reason why my libido is so strong. I am always hugging and kissing her and fondling her and telling her how much I love her. When I have sex dreams, it's about her.

I find when she is confident, relaxed and assertive *and *really into what we are doing it is the best sex I could ask for. Also spontaneous and unscripted.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Huh.

Okay...I'm a guy. So I'm trying to put myself in your wife's shoes.

There is no 'upside' for her in this.

Men...sometimes have fragile egos. She could trot out a number of fantasies which really rev your motor! And then she mentions X.

X changes your entire perception of her. X changes her from the happy horny housewife into 'that skank' She gets to blow 18 years because of a bit of judging by her husband, potentially ruining your relationship.

Maybe she's ashamed of what she did before. Maybe she LIKES how you see her now, as YOUR wife, not some other guys slvt. 

And maybe, just maybe, the woman who has known you for 18 years knows how you would react to some of her stories.

You can say what you like, but for whatever reason, she isn't on board.

That is all you need to know.

I have this rule: Don't ask any questions you don't want answers to.

Mental movies are seldom your friend. Get a pill and cherish your relationship.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe you could read each other erotic stories or watch soft core movies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Let me guess, you are circumcised. 

There are a lot of science deniers out there, hopefully your wife is not one of them. Have her speak to an MD about ED drugs. I am in a similar boat as you, in order in make sure things don't go soft sometimes I either need a higher level of intensity OR for more loving vanilla sex a little pill, if we don't want a quickie. 

It seems like she is really not a willing partner to ramping the intensity up. My wife is sometimes, but not the majority. She has taken your other option off the table. NOT FAIR, NOT LOVING AND TOTALLY UNREASONABLE. 

I have been using Cialis for a few years. No 4 hour erections, loss of sight, etc. She is a nurse and can certainly help spot early signs of any problems and can assist if there are any. 

This is YOUR body. YOU get to make your own medical decisions. NOBODY but you and your doctor get to make medical decisions for you. Not politicians, lawyers, clerics, wives NOBODY.

You do what you want. Make your own decisions. Choose whatever path you decide is best for you. 

I chose to take the path I have some control over. Your other path requires cooperation from your wife that you are not getting. Not saying she has to, that is her decision to make.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

StargateFan said:


> Let me guess, you are circumcised.
> 
> There are a lot of science deniers out there, hopefully your wife is not one of them. Have her speak to an MD about ED drugs. I am in a similar boat as you, in order in make sure things don't go soft sometimes I either need a higher level of intensity OR for more loving vanilla sex a little pill, if we don't want a quickie.
> 
> ...


Woah, whats so awful about her not wanting to take risks with his health?


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> Woah, whats so awful about her not wanting to take risks with his health?


Because it is his decision to make. She has a right to make her opinion known. Just as it is a woman's right to make her own health care decisions. 

It is not clear from the original post if she has just made her opinion known or has forbidden him. Just reminding him it is his decision to make.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

JCD said:


> I have this rule: Don't ask any questions you don't want answers to.
> 
> Mental movies are seldom your friend. Get a pill and cherish your relationship.


I never ask things I don't want to know. Unlike most guys, I'm not the jealous type and confident in our relationship and my assets and abilities. She is pushing 50, but constantly mistaken for 30's. Her personality matches her beauty and probably could've had any guy she wanted -- but she chose me.

We wouldn't have gotten married or been together happily for 18 years if we didn't truly love each other. She is not my "ball & chain" or "old lady" -- she is my best friend and lover.

If I never find out her past or we continue our love life as it is, so be it. I am just as in love with her whether I know or not.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

StargateFan said:


> Because it is his decision to make. She has a right to make her opinion known. Just as it is a woman's right to make her own health care decisions.
> 
> It is not clear from the original post if she has just made her opinion known or has forbidden him. Just reminding him it is his decision to make.


Thank you for your opinion, but she is not forbidding anything. If I told her that's what I wanted, it would happen and she would go to the drugstore to get it for me. She is more concerned about some of the things she's personally witnessed.

I don't know if it's worth the risk since I don't have the full blown (no pun) problem.

The point of my thread is that my wife is generally not uptight about anything and I'm trying to get the anonymous woman perspective.


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