# Not sure if it's worth shooting my shot.



## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

I’m (42/m) recently divorced after 15 years of marriage. About two years ago I started a new job and met my coworker (29/F), we’ll call her Stacy (not her real name). I’m shy at first, but I felt almost an immediate connection but it took me a few months to come out of my shell, so to speak. We’re both nurses and ended up spending most of our down time chatting with each other. We both have a love of memes and would show each other funny memes on our phones at work. A few months ago, I DM’d her and sent her some memes and things took off from there. We now chat almost every day, if it’s not a long conversation then it’s just to send each other a meme or two. Even when we’re on vacation or out of town, we still take a minute or two to say “hi, how’s it going?”

Since DM’ing her, we’ve become really close. We call each other our work-spouse. People at work call us work-spouses. If one of us isn’t at work, we’re asked where the other one is. We’ve hung out a few times outside of work, but never just her and I. Sometimes she seems into me, other times she doesn’t. These are examples of what leads me to believe she is into me:


A couple of months ago, a co-worker had a party at their house, but she wasn’t sure if she was going. She messaged me, teasing that I needed to convince her to go – it didn’t take much convincing. She had a family dinner planned for the same evening but since I was going to said coworker’s house early, she said she’d meet me there.
She asks me for massages. This isn’t a big deal because she gets them from other coworkers as well. The difference is that she will return the favor with me. The other day I worked a double shift (16 hours) and she saw I was struggling and came up to me and started massaging me.
We were messaging one night and started talking about how she never went to her prom. When I said I hadn’t been to mine she said that we should have a pretend prom to make up for it.
We’ll be chatting and she’ll joke about something and I’ll say “when was this decided?” And she’ll respond with “when we married each other” (see above regarding being work spouses).
She’ll send me memes about things friends do, or whatever and say “that’s us.” Or I she sends me something that pertains to me and I say “oh yeah, totally me,” she’ll say “see, I knew it.” She’ll also send memes about people having special connections and say “see that’s us.”
She’s picked up a couple of shifts when I work and she doesn’t because she wanted to see me. She also asks me to walk her to her car (she’s off a few hours earlier than I am and we work nights). She’ll ask me at the beginning of the shift if I’m going to walk her to her car and then asks again during the shift, sort of to reassure her.
Now, having read all this you’re probably thinking “YES, you fool, she does like you.” But the kicker, and why I’m apprehensive to ask her our is that she’s Indian. All the Indians I know will only date/get into relationships with/marry other Indians. I’m scared that if I shoot my shot I’ll lose probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. She’s dated non-Indians in the past but her parents are putting pressure on her to get married and I’m just not sure I should say anything to her because of this cultural reason.

I know a lot of people say this, but I truly do feel a different connection with her than I’ve ever felt for anyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with her, but I definitely have very strong and intense feelings for her. I just don’t know if it’s worth risking our friendship over something that might not go anywhere if she needs to marry someone from her culture.


Tl;Dr: Met coworker a couple of years ago. All signs indicate that she has the same or similar feelings for me as I do for her. The catch is that she’s Indian and I’m not. Not sure if I should risk our friendship or say something.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Go for it, don’t let something positive get away even if you still end up only friends.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And if you take your shot and miss, you're not actually losing anything because you never had it to begin with.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If it's ok for her to be interested in you(she IS) why would she be mad at you for feeling the same way? Because you should know her parents' position on this better than she does? 

If she does get mad, she's crazy and taking responsibility for crazy people is the most reliable futility I can think of.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Speaking as someone who met his wife at work, given it's a work colleague you need to be careful though. First off you have to make sure you are both mature enough to handle it if it doesn't work out. It will take a lot of talking about it. 

The Indian thing could also be an issue. 

I would tell her how you feel (not some romcom - "you complete me." Just, "hey, I really have fun with you, in my mind this could be something really good. But I know we both work here and I don't want to do anything to put our situation at risk without you also thinking it's worth it. What do you think and please be honest with me, I can take it?"

Just make sure you are going to be cool if she says she isn't interested in you like that. I mean you might need a week or two but, other fish in the sea, life's is another day, and all that.

Then if she is I would be like, "OK, let's pretend like we never had that conversation" then I would put the moves on her like you would any other women I was interested in. In other words just because you were friends first don't cheat her out of the romance. 

Make your little discussion like a timeout to discuss the rules.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> But the kicker, and why I’m apprehensive to ask her our is that she’s Indian. All the Indians I know will only date/get into relationships with/marry other Indians. I’m scared that if I shoot my shot I’ll lose probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. She’s dated non-Indians in the past but her parents are putting pressure on her to get married and I’m just not sure I should say anything to her because of this cultural reason.


Dude my neighbor is white as can be with blonde hair. His wife is Indian - born there. Got two kids now. She’s Hindu, he’s not. So at least we know it certainly happens. The pressure would be coming from her parents / family. You could casually ask her if her family has big expectations as to the man she marries. Or better yet, just ask her out


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oh for crying out loud ..... does she need to wave a banner? Sweep your courage up off the floor and ask her out on a real date. You can’t hide behind memes and texting forever 🙄


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did your first marriage end?

The culture isn't the only thing you need to worry about. The age difference could be an issue.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Faint heart ne'er won fair maid.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All this and you walk her to her car at night and you haven’t kissed her yet? Geez dude, I thought I was shy. You take the cake. 
yes, she likes you, yes you’re weird for thinking just because she’s an Indian you can’t date her, and yes, you should ask her out.
Oh, and yes, if you break up, you probably should be prepared to switch jobs. But that shouldn’t be all that hard.

You aren’t very decisive, huh? 😋


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Why did your first marriage end?
> 
> The culture isn't the only thing you need to worry about. The age difference could be an issue.


First marriage ended because I divorced my wife. She basically only married me because she wanted a husband, didn't marry me for me, if that makes sense. Like it could have been anyone, I was just a stand in to check off a box in her life goals. We also had a sexless marriage and we were at the point where we no longer fought anymore (I didn't care enough to engage her).

The age thing doesn't really worry me. We've talked about me dating and I said I'd date someone younger and when she asked how young, I said "late 20s." Her response was "Intersting" with a smile.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> All this and you walk her to her car at night and you haven’t kissed her yet? Geez dude, I thought I was shy. You take the cake.
> yes, she likes you, yes you’re weird for thinking just because she’s an Indian you can’t date her, and yes, you should ask her out.
> Oh, and yes, if you break up, you probably should be prepared to switch jobs. But that shouldn’t be all that hard.
> 
> You aren’t very decisive, huh? 😋


The reason I haven't made a move is because we are co-workers and I don't want things to be weird between us if she rejects me. In any other circumstance, I would have already made a move, but being coworkers kinda complicates things a bit.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you don’t want to ask her on a date because you don’t want to risk losing her friendship then try a different approach. Find some activity that she’s interested in, it could be anything from hiking to horseback riding and tell her that you are going and does she want to come. Be very clear that you are going anyway and just extend a casual invitation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This is easy. You just need to ask her if being Indian prevents her from dating outside her culture. 

Women can be friends with guys all day long so there's no guarantee that she has romantic interest in you, and as usual the only way to find out is to ask her out but first you should ask her that question about her culture. And that will be an easy thing to ask that should give you a hint which way to go next good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> ” But the kicker, and why I’m apprehensive to ask her our is that she’s Indian. All the Indians I know will only date/get into relationships with/marry other Indians. I’m scared that if I shoot my shot I’ll lose probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. She’s dated non-Indians in the past but her parents are putting pressure on her to get married and I’m just not sure I should say anything to her because of this cultural reason.
> .


You probably don't mean this is a bad way, but this line of thinking is... well...... racist. 

This is prejudicial in assuming she will feel, act and respond in a particular way based on her race and not due to her own individual attributes. 

If she doesn't want to date you for whatever reason, that is her perogative. But to assume she will respond to you based on her race is racist and prejudicial.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Indians have arranged marriages. So it just depends if she and her family are still enmeshed in that setup.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Take her out to dinner then drinks as friends next Friday night. You’ll know everything you need to know by how she dresses up for the night out


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> The reason I haven't made a move is because we are co-workers and I don't want things to be weird between us if she rejects me. In any other circumstance, I would have already made a move, but being coworkers kinda complicates things a bit.


This seems like a more likely problem for the friendship than the potential not marrying you b/c of your race.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What religion is she? Normally (and things have changed quite a bit in India) that might make a difference. E.g. if she is a Christian then there is no problem at all. If she is a Hindu, there should not be a problem provided you respect her religion and culture. If she is a Muslim there might be pushback from her parents and family.

Also if she is 29, then in old currency she would be almost past her sell-by date from an arranged marriage point of view! But kidding aside, the arranged marriages are to make sure that the marriage is going to work. If the parents are convinced that you are the right man for her then there should be no problem.

Also, which part of India is she from - the North can be quite different to the South and both would be different from other parts of India. Some are more welcoming of foreigners in the family. 

Finally, was she born in India or in the USA or elsewhere ?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> The catch is that she’s Indian and I’m not.


Do you know anything about her mother? And their relationship?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

If you're worried about the cultural difference, bring it up in a nonchalant way. You say you know she's dated outside of her culture before so it sounds as if you've talked about personal things. Find a way to bring it up casually to get her feelings on it. I DO know a woman who is of that same culture and was fine with dating outside of that culture, but knowing that when it came to marriage she would marry the same culture. It may be worth knowing before you shoot your shot.


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## ConfusedUFODude (Oct 31, 2020)

Ok, so my post didn't garner too much attention but thank you for all of those who did take time to read and respond.

A few days after I made the post I decided that I was going to ask her on a date and see how things go. The next time we worked when I walked her to her car I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner the next night. She said she'd love to and asked if this was a date or a friends thing. When I said it was a proper date, she said "good." Then she teased me about taking so long to finally ask her out and she was wondering if I wasn't picking up on her signals or just wasn't interested in her. 

We asked our manager if there was anything we needed to do and all they said was to "keep it professional" at work. Nothing to fill out, don't need to inform HR or anything like that. We haven't changed how we treat each other at work and only a few of our closest work friends know we are dating.

So that's it, nothing too exciting. We've been on a few days, talk all the time, and are getting to know each other outside of work.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> Ok, so my post didn't garner too much attention but thank you for all of those who did take time to read and respond.
> 
> A few days after I made the post I decided that I was going to ask her on a date and see how things go. The next time we worked when I walked her to her car I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner the next night. She said she'd love to and asked if this was a date or a friends thing. When I said it was a proper date, she said "good." Then she teased me about taking so long to finally ask her out and she was wondering if I wasn't picking up on her signals or just wasn't interested in her.
> 
> ...


Well, it clearly garnered the answers that you needed to hear, because you took the advice offered, just asked her out, and it went the way you hoped!!! YAY!!!

Good luck!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ConfusedUFODude said:


> Ok, so my post didn't garner too much attention but thank you for all of those who did take time to read and respond.
> 
> A few days after I made the post I decided that I was going to ask her on a date and see how things go. The next time we worked when I walked her to her car I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner the next night. She said she'd love to and asked if this was a date or a friends thing. When I said it was a proper date, she said "good." Then she teased me about taking so long to finally ask her out and she was wondering if I wasn't picking up on her signals or just wasn't interested in her.
> 
> ...


Glad it worked out for you. It was obvious she was flirting.


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