# Take Back after post-split Sex?



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Hi, 

It's me again. 

A new scenario to contemplate: if I am holding firm to the belief that me and H can work things out, and have told him I'm giving him time and space to think, and in a few months (assuming I'm still holding on (he gets into a new relationship or just has sex with someone (god knows how i'd find out, but say I do)...

How can I handle this?

Has anyone been in a relationship where their partner, being younger than them, very young when you got together, young when you had a baby, etc, needed "space" and even the chance to sleep around, etc., and then they came back?

I don't feel like a doormat at all in suggesting I may be open to recommitting to him if he realizes the grass isn't actually greener on the other side.

I can't say how long I would give this or if I'd actually be able to calm the jealous demons once I heard. But I still find him sexy as hell, think we can work on our issues, and am not planning on slamming the door on our nine years together (or the possibility of a together family for our daughter) just because he needs to act like an immature teenager for a while.

Am I insane?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I think about this question often.

If we did ever reconcile...and he stepped out...could I ...would I get over it...I don't think I could wrap my head around it...

as for being attracted to my STBXH...I could drink that dudes bathwater...I see him here at work...and my body reacts...I think about him and I react...I hate the very essence that I ****ing react...i hate it. But it's the truth...it makes me insane.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hello Lucy,
Hope your are doing better.I do not have much experience in this regard.But my 2 cents to this would be-'Welcome him back in your life only if you know hw loves you and would be honest in future taking the present crap as just a bad phase';'Else irrespective of the fact that you find him very attractive and like a greek god,can you tolerate cheating in your life-I wish you do not -And I wish you do not think so low of yourself to tolerate a chetaing spouse';
Having said this,I wish sincerely that yiu H be a sincere person never to repeat this again in life;
I hope you make the right choice with a clear mind;Peace of mind is more important that a life full of deciet and fear.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hey, Lucy, it's me again, too, lol. STBXH fits that very description you gave (younger than me, etc.). He had multiple EAs when we were together, but didn't think of that as infidelity. He did plainly tell me that he wanted to 'try' being with other women as one of the reasons he used for leaving. He's been with the last EA (gone PA of course now) publicly since February, and is talking about them as if it's forever. 

I am done. The truth is that after all of this time, *I* have changed so much that I no longer love him. I'm no longer willing to make excuses for him, etc., and I see him doing no work on his own issues. 

I still found him very attractive for the longest time after we split. He's actually the only man I've been with, so all the harder to see him with someone else. But I finally respected myself enough that I only want to be with someone who really wants ME, not just someone who found out the grass wasn't greener and that they'd settle for me after all. 

I'd truly rather be alone and celibate than with someone that wasn't 100% 'with' me. It's honestly more painful and lonely to be with someone who's with you because they don't like their other options. 

You're still pretty early in the process, Lucy. I am totally empathetic. I remember those feelings very, very well. I honestly don't know if jealousy would be as much of a problem as trust, if we were to ever try to go forward. It would be damned hard, knowing he'd been with someone else, had felt like he loved someone else. But being able to trust that he wouldn't walk out again if someone or something turned his head? That would be harder.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Another thing whenevr you find him very attractive just add cheating as a new feature to him;I am sure you will find him unattractive;The most attractive person in this world is an honest person committed to his vows;


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Yeaj, I know, I'm ****ed no matter which way you look at it


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

let me get this straight... IF he has sex with a bunch of other people and decides to give you a shot then what should you do?

and you're not a doormat?

The problem is not that there's not a right or wrong answer to that question, Lucy. The problem is that the question is wrong. The right answer is to plan your life for now; not bury yourself under hypotheticals.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

jmb123 said:


> Another thing whenevr you find him very attractive just add cheating as a new feature to him;I am sure you will find him unattractive;The most attractive person in this world is an honest person committed to his vows;


I must say...this is well said. 

My STBXH didn't cheat...I guess I don't know for sure if he really has yet or intends too now that he's left...but he says were over yadda yadda...but he didn't keep any of his other vows...


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

You will drive yourself insane asking yourself these kinds of questions. Trust me I know, I used to do it. You need to live in today, not yesterday or tomorrow. Work on yourself, find yourself again. do the 180 (yes it's hard) but it will help you. then in the future if he comes back, you will be in a better place and will be able to decide what to do on your own. I am not hijacking your thread, but here is what happened to me...
My STBXH (5 years younger than me) and I started dating in 2004, we lived together for a year, he cheated... He moved out and we didn't talk for a few months (I was devastated) I would have took him back in a second, I loved him and was very attracted to him still. He called me to say he was sorry for cheating and to tell me he and OW broke up (when he left me he moved in with her). Well he came over and we went to bed together. We talked about us and then he went home. Well a few hours later he calls to say OW called and wanted to get back together! I used him for a booty call, so I didn't care. So we talked about what HE should do and how bad he felt for "using" me. Any way, we didn't talk for a few more months, got back together as friends with benefits after OW was out of the picture for several months. Then he moved in with me, we got married and after 5 years and 1 month of marriage he cheated again, gave me the ILYBNILWY speech and moved out. I had know idea anything was wrong with us. So proceed with caution! I wish you well.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

OK, so i"m a doormat. I don't care. I'm feeling positive today and banishing any thoughts of him sleeping around or not. I don't care. I feel strong. And he hasn't cheated yet, and since we're separating it's not cheating anyway, but I'm not ruling out a future with him just yet. I know how all this sounds but I DON'T CARE.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

LuMu, good! Honesty is awesome. Bite off whatever you can for now.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> OK, so i"m a doormat. I don't care. I'm feeling positive today and banishing any thoughts of him sleeping around or not. I don't care. I feel strong. And he hasn't cheated yet, and since we're separating it's not cheating anyway, but I'm not ruling out a future with him just yet. I know how all this sounds but I DON'T CARE.


Ok,so what is wrong in creating healthy,happier and confident you while you still want to be with him;

I mean you yourself agree that you have been like a doormat;First why not do something to help you chnage this about you.Little small things to make you a better you.
And you never know the better you will attract him like magnet to iron or atleast you would grow so confident not to want anyone not worth enough in life;


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