# First day of seperating



## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

So, last night I packed an overnight bag and this morning said goodbye to my kids and partner. It all feels like a bad dream and I should wake up any moment. It took me about an hour to even get out the door I was such a mess. I don't even want to go but my ex wants to get on with her life so here I am. I don't know how how we even got to this point, just a slow gradual decline. Please tell me this gets better somehow
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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

DON"T beg, rationalize, or reason with her. Spend this time to figure out what part you had in the situation. The sooner you take this advice, the less damage you will do over the next few days.

Don't call, or text her unless it has to do with the kids. If she asks why you are being distand (and this could take weeks) tell her it's because she said she needed space and you are honoring her wishes and focusing on yourself and the things you can control.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> What are your circumstances for the separation?


Pretty much I had a problem communicating with her, pretty sure I have been depressed a long time, have suffered with it in the past. A few weeks ago she was pressing me as to why I had never asked her to marry me. I didn't know how to tell her How I felt and after a while I blurted I don't want to marry her. It just came out even though I wanted to say I just felt helpless.. She left and went to her mums for 2 weeks then when she got back she said she wanted me to leave, so here I am. We never even really argued as such..
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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

I recommend no mor mister nice guy for a good read. I struggled saying what I was actually thinking and found it was because of a lot of things you will learn in this book.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

dwoods77 said:


> Pretty much I had a problem communicating with her, pretty sure I have been depressed a long time, have suffered with it in the past. A few weeks ago she was pressing me as to why I had never asked her to marry me. I didn't know how to tell her How I felt and after a while I blurted I don't want to marry her. It just came out even though I wanted to say I just felt helpless.. She left and went to her mums for 2 weeks then when she got back she said she wanted me to leave, so here I am. We never even really argued as such..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you ever try counseling?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

most important, the most important is listen to jdlash, this will be terrorizing for awhile, read our stories, find synthetics 10 commandments & follow them, soooooo important


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

The good news is that it gets better. The bad news is that it's going to take some time and it may even get worse. 

Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You're going to want to read the texts in my sig.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> The good news is that it gets better. The bad news is that it's going to take some time and it may even get worse.
> 
> Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You're going to want to read the texts in my sig.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


will have a look when I can get onto a comp


our vision shattered said:


> most important, the most important is listen to jdlash, this will be terrorizing for awhile, read our stories, find synthetics 10 commandments & follow them, soooooo important


 will have a look thanks



Numb in Ohio said:


> Did you ever try counseling?


Got a session booked for tomorrow

Somehow made it through the day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

DWOODS, you came to the right place for help.

I will encourage you that prior to DOING ANYTHING like emailing, texting and professing your love to her and how much you've changed and want to make it work. PLEASE post here first and get some advice. 

There is nothing that will set you back further than doing these things. It will be difficult not to, so just post your thoughts, ideas, and action-plans here before you do anything.

Also remember, that a lot of us here have been in these situations and have been learning for YEARS, so when you get advice you should seriously consider it as good.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> DWOODS, you came to the right place for help.
> 
> I will encourage you that prior to DOING ANYTHING like emailing, texting and professing your love to her and how much you've changed and want to make it work. PLEASE post here first and get some advice.
> 
> ...


We have texted a few times regarding things I forgot to take and she got the kids to ring me and we managed to do it without one or other of us taking things the wrong way. The last few days have been hell with both of us getting angry or upset over the stupidest things. Last night was the first time I have seen her cry in a long time and it wrenches at my heart not to be there for her. I don't have any inclination to ring her or text her telling I love her and want her back even though I do want it. Until last night I never really got any feeling from her that she does anyway. I guess that hurts the most when I am a blubbering idiot and she puts on a strong front at the least.
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## boxhead201 (Jun 8, 2012)

Hi DWoods;

I am in similar situation. I was forced to move out 3 1/2 months ago. I was a doormat. STBXW treated me like crap for years. I had to get out before I went crazy. I have 2 kids. 

The first month was horrible. I said all sorts of bad things to the STBXW. I regret it. I highly recommend going NC. Don't talk to her in the state you are in now. I made some bad mistakes in the first month. You don't have to make the same mistakes I did. If you keep talking to her, you will get the lumber.

It does get better. In the first month I was suicidal. 3-months later I am still depressed and experiencing a wide range of emotions, but I do feel better. It will get better. Let me repeat: IT WILL GET BETTER.

Take the time to work on yourself. TAM is a great place to learn. This site has helped me alot. I think Syn's 10-commandments are a good place to start.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

DW, I meant this sig (see below) forgot it doesn't attach from my phone comments.

Re everything and proceeding. Remember it's not a straight line. They will do odd things; you will do odd things. Moment to moment will be a wild ride. Just know that it doesn't rage forever and eventually you start to tame the chaos.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> DW, I meant this sig (see below) forgot it doesn't attach from my phone comments.
> 
> Re everything and proceeding. Remember it's not a straight line. They will do odd things; you will do odd things. Moment to moment will be a wild ride. Just know that it doesn't rage forever and eventually you start to tame the chaos.


I will have a look once I get access to a computer once again, left pretty much everything there other than a few days clothes and my phone. Has been a bit up and down today, woke up really early having a nightmare replaying over the last few days arguments and woke up in tears but otherwise I just absorbed myself in work today and got thru it. On a positive note the friend I am staying with has been a big help and is getting me to eat well and is a personal trainer so she is going to start some weights training so I can build myself up a bit.
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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

So I had possibly the worst nights sleep ever, crying every time I woke up which was quite a few times. Went to my counsellor yesterday who said it was madness that we haven't gone for relationship counselling and suggested I try and speak to her about it. Well i told her via text when she asked how it was. She said it may have helped. I stupidly asked if it was too late and she said she would have gone but at least it might make me happy. I think maybe I have just made things worse for myself by getting my hopes up a bit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

dwoods77 said:


> So I had possibly the worst nights sleep ever, crying every time I woke up which was quite a few times. Went to my counsellor yesterday who said it was madness that we haven't gone for relationship counselling and suggested I try and speak to her about it. Well i told her via text when she asked how it was. She said it may have helped. I stupidly asked if it was too late and she said she would have gone but at least it might make me happy. I think maybe I have just made things worse for myself by getting my hopes up a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well buddy. We can give you all the advice in the world. But it's no good if you don't listen to the advice. You need to stop doing this stuff man, seriously.


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## pseudonym (Aug 19, 2012)

forumman is right. As someone who was in your shoes and navigated the situation in a way that I regret over that first month that is filled with emotions, you need to just stop what you're doing and listen to the wisdom that's already been given to you here.


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## dwoods77 (Jul 14, 2012)

pseudonym said:


> forumman is right. As someone who was in your shoes and navigated the situation in a way that I regret over that first month that is filled with emotions, you need to just stop what you're doing and listen to the wisdom that's already been given to you here.


I know, I'm really trying hard with it but it's been pretty hard the last couple days. Went to my daughters school sports carnival and she came up to me asking why I'm ignoring her. I just didn't know how to respond. Now today it's my sons birthday party and I have been sitting off to the side as I'm getting dagger stares from her mum and ignored by her friends. Just don't know how to act as it just feels so awkward and like I am no longer part of the family. I feel like bursting into tears but not in front of the kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

dwoods77 said:


> I know, I'm really trying hard with it but it's been pretty hard the last couple days. Went to my daughters school sports carnival and she came up to me asking why I'm ignoring her. I just didn't know how to respond. Now today it's my sons birthday party and I have been sitting off to the side as I'm getting dagger stares from her mum and ignored by her friends. Just don't know how to act as it just feels so awkward and like I am no longer part of the family. I feel like bursting into tears but not in front of the kids
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's tough. We know that. She left the marriage. Now you move on and regain your manhood. Work on yourself. 

Once it's regained, anything can happen. 

My point is, in your current state of neediness you have zero chance at reconciliation.


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