# How to broach the subject of counseling?



## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

This should not be as hard as it is, but I feel it is time to seek marriage counseling, and just can't get the words out or create an opportunity to talk about it. I don't know who to call locally. Talking to our pastor about it I fear/know will start a vicious rumor mill. None of our friends or family would suspect we have serious marriage problems, and in reality 'we' don't have marriage problems - 'I' just have marriage problems. I am selfishly dissatisfied with my spouse, I am running out of self motivation to suck it up and make the best of my life with the good woman. But I have done precisely that so far - or at least distracted myself from my dissatisfaction with expensive and time consuming hobbies which she more-or-less faithfully tolerates as long as the bills are paid.

How do you broach the subject, when life is just saturated with idle conversation, or she is specifically doing something nice for me (which directly or indirectly she almost always is)? Just lay it out there, as in "Sorry honey, could you please put down your trip planning book, I think we should make an appointment with a marriage counselor before we go on this dream vacation you're planning for me. See I just don't want to spend that much time or money with you, even, no, especially at a tropical beach, and I need a professional to help me fix that." It would just be beyond weird. Neither of us have cheated. We hardly ever argue. It's just me. Though I was, or at least thought I was really in love with her when we were married 11 years and 100 pounds ago. These days, I look forward to my time apart from her more than anything, and it certainly didn't used to be that way. To complicate things, we have a 4 year old who loves us both, and who I would gladly lay down my life for.

Anyway I digress. Is it sort of 'cheating' to contact a counselor without discussing it first? It just feels like its the first step in divorce proceedings or something. Help.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

You might want to consider individual counseling (just you in the sessions) to help you process what you are feeling both in the marriage and within yourself, and whether these feelings are something you really want to act on, something fleeting, mid-life crisis or depression.

You talk it through with the counselor and he/she will help you nail down this general feeling of blah into something more concrete. It may involve your marriage or it may have nothing to do with it.

Individual counseling is a great way to grow as an individual and there is nothing wrong with it, nor does it signal "Divorce Imminent!" It may even help prevent one. I know it has helped me tremendously.


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## dt49er (May 6, 2013)

Jack Sprat 
Sorry to hear you are struggling. I am glad to hear you have both been faithful and it sounds like maybe its just grown stale.

My wife and I have recently discovered a new program, let me make it clear it is not counciling, a retreat or anything like that. It is a program that helps struggling couples reconnect.

We only started 8 months ago and are continuing to work on the marriage.

We have been maried 31 years so it is not totally like your situation.

Check out the progrram and see if it interests you. If it does, tell your wife you heard of a program to enhance your marriage.

My wife and I are so convinced we are working to bring the prgram to our area, currently its 1 1/2 hours away!.

Check out Retrouvaille!!!!

Good luck


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

^^^ Yes, it's the weight. We had this tearful argument a year ago. We did read the book, though didn't really follow through on all the quizzes and whatnot. She has promised to 'try' to take off the weight, but is either unable or, IMO, unwilling. (I seem to think unwilling, as she refuses to go on my *which is essentially the 'don't eat so much' diet which has helped me maintain my boyish good looks. Nor have I ever heard the words "I can't have that slice of cake, it's not on my diet" escape her lips.) 

She knows that the weight really bothers me, and I think tries to compensate for it by being nothing but nice to me. Last time we had this argument I think it ended with her angrily saying "when I diet, it turns me into a whiny *****" to which I replied, "Perhaps, but at least you'd be a skinny *****". That may NOT have been the right response, I think, in hindsight.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Yikes. I want to change my answer.

It sounds like you have some serious resentment built up about your wife's weight.

She's being pretty nice now, but eventually her resentment will kick in with regard to your treatment of her. I wouldn't blame her.

You better decide if the weight is worth the loss of your marriage, and quickly, because she is not going to stick around in a relationship where you make her feel inferior because of her weight forever. Plus, she's never going to lose the weight with the kind of encouragement you are giving her.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP have you done anything to help your wife besides discuss it with her? 

In my first year of our 8 year marriage crossed and went way beyond the line from voluptuous to overweight. My husband didn't mind it because he likes thickness with his lean tall self, go figure. But anyway he got tired of listen to me whine about my weight so he got me a personal trainer for a month and then he took over. (he's a gym rat) 

He was relentless with literally dragging me to the gym. I mean waking me up pulling off the cover, pulling me out of the bed like a little kid that wouldn't wake up. Listening to me *itch and moan the whole time. Giving excuse after excuse for why I couldn't go that day but ignored me. 

I lost the weight and got smaller than I was before marriage. He still didn't let up kept the routine even after I met my goal. Now that I'm pregnant and he's traveling all the time I'm finally going on my own. Again go figure. LOL

Can you put some action (not words) into helping her lose the weight? Yeah love her for who she is inside but help her out of that prison of overweight. Nobody want to be in it and many don't have the will power to do something about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Jack_Sprat said:


> This should not be as hard as it is, but I feel it is time to seek marriage counseling, and just can't get the words out or create an opportunity to talk about it.


That is usually a sign of a spouse that goes into full-force defense-mechanism manipulation when you try to talk to them about something. 

You've been successfully de-railed before so now you are confused about how to approach it. You don't realize that she can tell what kind of mood you are in and she knows exactly why. Her radar picks that up and she goes into diversionary mode in order to prevent you from broaching the subject. 

You get that depressed, pensive look. You are wanting to say something. So she immediately launches into an "important" discussion about the upcoming PTA meeting or starts making your favorite dinner, and then she has to leave in order to go shopping. She makes sure that six year old is there as a defensive shield.

So you have to stop allowing yourself to be manipulated. Yes, you say "put the planning book down". If the child is there, tell the wife you are going to have a discussion when the child is put to bed or set a time to have the discussion without her around.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Jack_Sprat said:


> ^^^ Yes, it's the weight. We had this tearful argument a year ago. We did read the book, though didn't really follow through on all the quizzes and whatnot. She has promised to 'try' to take off the weight, but is either unable or, IMO, unwilling. (I seem to think unwilling, as she refuses to go on my *which is essentially the 'don't eat so much' diet which has helped me maintain my boyish good looks. Nor have I ever heard the words "I can't have that slice of cake, it's not on my diet" escape her lips.)
> 
> She knows that the weight really bothers me, and I think tries to compensate for it by being nothing but nice to me. Last time we had this argument I think it ended with her angrily saying "when I diet, it turns me into a whiny *****" to which I replied, "Perhaps, but at least you'd be a skinny *****". That may NOT have been the right response, I think, in hindsight.


Oh my...I'm so sorry you're in the "I'm not attracted to my spouse because of his/her enormous weight gain" club. You are in good company with myself, JustSomeGuyWho, and many others. This is a very tough spot to be in...believe me I know. 

Do you have other issues besides her weight? Is your marriage otherwise pretty good? Do you communicate well about other things? If her weight is really the only issue (and I understand that it snowballs into other issues so it's rarely an isolated problem), then really you have to decide if you can accept it the way she has, or if you can't, which is perfectly ok too, you have to tell her that it is severely affecting your marriage and you cannot remain in this marriage indefinitely this way. Give her a reasonable time frame to make significant changes (i.e. she must make an appointment with a doctor or dietician within 4 weeks...she must show consistent efforts to lose weight...within one year, she should lose 50 lbs, etc). And of course, be supportive and encouraging. But if she's making little or no effort and by 6 months has only lost 5 pounds, you know that she's not serious enough about it to want to save your marriage. Don't wait forever for her to just magically wake up one day and decide to turn her life around. I've waited 19 years and my H is the biggest he's ever been. It's taking a serious toll on his health, his activity level, our sex life...I'm not waiting around any longer.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

I completely agree with Wise and WakingUp. You have a right to be happy in your marriage. Don't waste your life in an unhappy one. Have the discussion ASAP.


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