# emmi's husband here finally!



## MrEmmi

hi.
I understand there will be some negative stigma about me already here. but i thought its about due time that i joined this forum.
please be gentle on me!
I am hoping that coming here will help me and my wife and our future relationship.
i also think it will be benefitial to my mental problems, and possibly help me both understand and deal with my emotions, I have never been all that in tune with my thoughts and emotions and i have a shady past, possibly i will write about it here.
I am hoping to get some good advice here but be warned, im dyslexic (why is that word so difficult to spell?) so i do struggle with concentration a bit.


----------



## Emmi

Welcome! Hope you find it useful and enjoyable


----------



## 225985

Can one of you give the three sentence summary? I am way behind on my TAM and don't know emmi's story.

Mr Emmi, is your health ok now?


----------



## BetrayedDad

Emmi said:


> We were this "innocent", cute, young couple who never argued and made things happen.
> 
> Then he had his health problems, lost the job of his dream, existential crisis, building up resentment, failed to communicate, pushed me away, got depressed, went on antidepressants, lost all emotions including his love for me, *went on a road trip on his own, spent two nights with a girl with the same health issue as him self, cheated physically *but with no actual sex and no feelings for her either, came home and wanted a divorce told me everything and was really mean and hurtful for a couple of months.


 @Emmi - RUN, he's lying about not banging her

@MrEmmi - Get tested for STDs and stop lying


----------



## 225985

BetrayedDad said:


> @Emmi - RUN, he's lying about not banging her
> 
> @MrEmmi - Get tested for STDs and stop lying


How do you cheat physically but no sex? Sounds like something Nataly would say.


----------



## Affaircare

Hey @blueinbr.... 

You can read Emmi's story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...l-roller-coaster-rebuilding-relationship.html and here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ew-identity-couple-during-reconciliation.html


----------



## MrEmmi

blueinbr said:


> Can one of you give the three sentence summary? I am way behind on my TAM and don't know emmi's story.
> 
> Mr Emmi, is your health ok now?


essentially I had an existential crisis after struggling with bad physical health and emotional health (locking emotions up) and sort of pulled out of the marriage in my mind.
luckily my wife saw that it wasnt the real me and helped me through it.
my health will never be better per se, i can improve things slightly, but its a genetic condition that is degenerative and messes all my joints and organs up.... phisio can help with the joint problems though.


----------



## BetrayedDad

blueinbr said:


> How do you cheat physically but no sex?


He's got her convinced he's a 15 year old high school kid who can only get to second base apparently.

Adults have sex Emmi. It's what grown ups do. Fess up OP and maybe you can actually build towards a real reconciliation.


----------



## MrEmmi

blueinbr said:


> How do you cheat physically but no sex? Sounds like something Nataly would say.


errrm hard to explain, but there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.
if there was any risk of STD i would have taken a test by now. no secrets between us anymore, plus i have like loads of blood test because of my health!


----------



## NobodySpecial

Affaircare said:


> Hey @blueinbr....
> 
> You can read Emmi's story here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...l-roller-coaster-rebuilding-relationship.html and here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ew-identity-couple-during-reconciliation.html


Affaircare is here! If anyone can help, it is her.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MrEmmi said:


> there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.
> if there was any risk of STD i would have taken a test by now.


You can get herpes from kissing....


----------



## EleGirl

BetrayedDad said:


> You can get herpes from kissing....


And all kinds of things from oral sex.


----------



## 225985

NobodySpecial said:


> @Affaircare is here! If anyone can help, it is her.


Yes she can. She understands health issues too and how they can complicate the marriage.


----------



## 225985

MrEmmi said:


> , plus i have like loads of blood test because of my health!


Unfortunately wife and I are experts on blood tests. After the first few dozens you learn to stop counting. They don't test for STDs unless explicitly ordered by the doctor.


----------



## jld

MrEmmi said:


> no secrets between us anymore


I think this is the most important thing. Transparency builds trust.


----------



## Affaircare

@MrEmmi

Hi welcome to TAM. I'm going to warn you now, many of the posters here on this site are Loyal Spouses, and thus I'd recommend that you brace yourself for a bit of backlash. Being betrayed tends to deeply hurt, and the replies can sometimes come from THEIR place of pain, not necessarily yours. Okay? So be ready for it because I pretty much guarantee you'll get a 2x4 or two. 

HOWEVER, the good news is that you'll also likely get the truth! Just because hearing it is hurtful to you doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true!! So before you let a post get under your skin and before you get all defensive, I have a suggestion for ya: pause - take a DEEP breath - and then ask yourself "Could this be true? Could it apply to me?" 

Now just so you know, I am both a loyal spouse and a disloyal spouse. My exH cheated on me with pretty much every woman he saw and I loved being married so I just didn't want to see it...and when I faced reality he had no desire to stop so we divorced. I cheated on my current hubby online-sort of like you--I was chatting and messaging with another person and it got inappropriate. 

I am not sure 100% of your current status with @Emmi, but let me just say this one thing: I get it. You are in constant pain and you're not "old" so it s*cks to be so sick and even though @Emmi loves you, she doesn't "understand" because she's not sick! I also know that sometimes hearing life-altering news can kind of send you spinning and you didn't cope with it very well--and you made the wrong choice and turned to someone else. I'm not saying it's not understandable. But I am saying it is NOT something @Emmi did or didn't do. It has 100% to do with YOU and learning how to cope with how you feel in a better way. You tried to sort of cover the pain of hearing about your disease with the good feeling of someone flirting with you. Okay you're a human being. But you know and I know and everyone here knows that choice--your choice--was not the right way to handle it! 

So I EXTREMELY STRONGLY SUGGEST that if you have not already done so, you need to end all contact with the other woman right now. This afternoon! Now. Hey I know it will feel empty-ish for you at first, but YOU made a commitment and promise to Emmi and now is the time to admit that what you did was wrong, it was infidelity, and it was 100% on you not her...and then get busy honoring your commitment and showing her that you CAN be honest, share your deep inner self with her, and face the truth. 

I secondarily strongly suggest that you continue your IC--see if you can do it weekly and see if you can get like homework to do each week. Then every single day, actually put into action the new stuff you're learning. It will feel awkward at first, and that's okay. You're ending an old, BAD habit and beginning something new, and new stuff always feels unnatural at first. 

Soooo...do you have any questions?


----------



## SunCMars

BetrayedDad said:


> @Emmi - RUN, he's lying about not banging her
> 
> @MrEmmi - Get tested for STDs and stop lying


Bang...the race is on!

Nah!.....The disgrace is on!


----------



## MrEmmi

Affaircare said:


> @MrEmmi
> 
> Hi welcome to TAM. I'm going to warn you now, many of the posters here on this site are Loyal Spouses, and thus I'd recommend that you brace yourself for a bit of backlash. Being betrayed tends to deeply hurt, and the replies can sometimes come from THEIR place of pain, not necessarily yours. Okay? So be ready for it because I pretty much guarantee you'll get a 2x4 or two.
> 
> HOWEVER, the good news is that you'll also likely get the truth! Just because hearing it is hurtful to you doesn't necessarily mean it isn't true!! So before you let a post get under your skin and before you get all defensive, I have a suggestion for ya: pause - take a DEEP breath - and then ask yourself "Could this be true? Could it apply to me?"
> 
> Now just so you know, I am both a loyal spouse and a disloyal spouse. My exH cheated on me with pretty much every woman he saw and I loved being married so I just didn't want to see it...and when I faced reality he had no desire to stop so we divorced. I cheated on my current hubby online-sort of like you--I was chatting and messaging with another person and it got inappropriate.
> 
> I am not sure 100% of your current status with @Emmi, but let me just say this one thing: I get it. You are in constant pain and you're not "old" so it s*cks to be so sick and even though @Emmi loves you, she doesn't "understand" because she's not sick! I also know that sometimes hearing life-altering news can kind of send you spinning and you didn't cope with it very well--and you made the wrong choice and turned to someone else. I'm not saying it's not understandable. But I am saying it is NOT something @Emmi did or didn't do. It has 100% to do with YOU and learning how to cope with how you feel in a better way. You tried to sort of cover the pain of hearing about your disease with the good feeling of someone flirting with you. Okay you're a human being. But you know and I know and everyone here knows that choice--your choice--was not the right way to handle it!
> 
> So I EXTREMELY STRONGLY SUGGEST that if you have not already done so, you need to end all contact with the other woman right now. This afternoon! Now. Hey I know it will feel empty-ish for you at first, but YOU made a commitment and promise to Emmi and now is the time to admit that what you did was wrong, it was infidelity, and it was 100% on you not her...and then get busy honoring your commitment and showing her that you CAN be honest, share your deep inner self with her, and face the truth.
> 
> I secondarily strongly suggest that you continue your IC--see if you can do it weekly and see if you can get like homework to do each week. Then every single day, actually put into action the new stuff you're learning. It will feel awkward at first, and that's okay. You're ending an old, BAD habit and beginning something new, and new stuff always feels unnatural at first.
> 
> Soooo...do you have any questions?


thanks for the welcome.
I tend not to let peoples words and opinions affect me, they are either right or wrong you know?. 
i cut contact with the other woman ages ago, in all fairness i cant even remember how long ago it was. 
and we already discussed me increasing my time with my shrink, i think its something i need very much.
I have high hopes for this forum, im just hoping after a while people will stop cutting me down and judging me based on a few bad choces i made when i was in a dark state of mind....


----------



## zookeeper

MrEmmi said:


> errrm hard to explain, but there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.
> if there was any risk of STD i would have taken a test by now. no secrets between us anymore, plus i have like loads of blood test because of my health!


What a giant load of horse ****. It's hard to explain, or it would be hard for you if you explain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Affaircare

@zookeeper, 

I'm not even @MrEmmi and I can explain it. You are talking about two people who are ill and both in constant pain. Thus, heavy petting may have occurred--shoot they may have even attempted PIV--but at times doing certain things, certain positions, etc. is just too painful so you go an alternate route. 

Speaking ONLY FOR MYSELF, my own Dear Hubby and I rarely have PIV because there are limitations to his breathing and endurance that make it something we'd like to do but are physically unable to accomplish. 

When you take that into consideration, I don't think @MrEmmi is necessarily minimizing. He has said right out that there was sexual stuff occurring but there was not penetration. And to my mind, what difference does it make? They WANTED TO--may have even tried to--but due to restrictions, were unable to! 
The point that's important is that both had reached the place in their minds that they DESIRED IT, and we don't need to know every sniggly detail--we need to know it was PHYSICAL infidelity and there was lust. 

We know that.


----------



## estes

MrEmmi said:


> essentially I had an existential crisis after struggling with bad physical health and emotional health (locking emotions up) and sort of pulled out of the marriage in my mind.


Let me run this through my BS Translatonic.

I felt crappy so I tried to bang a random chick to feel better but due to my health issues I couldn't get hard enough to screw her so I took what I could get.


----------



## sokillme

blueinbr said:


> How do you cheat physically but no sex? Sounds like something Nataly would say.


Yeah MrEmmi explain this please? 

Never mind I see.


----------



## MrEmmi

little update.
I went to my shrink yesterday and asked him to help me both deal with my emotions and help me to turn my thoughts around a bit so i become more interested in everyday things and not just my hobbies. he gave me and interesting answer that i think was wrong (hoping some others here can give some insight too).
he essentially said that the way we think and our thoughts and emotions are genetic and that there is no easy way of changing the way we think/feel.
i beleive this to be totally wrong, how can the way we process things be a genetic thing? im SURE it is a learned thing, like racism, people are not bron racist A-holes, its a learned thing, like behaviour right? i mean thats what is the fundimental grounds of our behaviour right? thoughts and feeling? and behaviour is taught/learned/ maliable? 
or am i getting this all wrong?
anyway. thats it for now i think.
also we bought this cool pregnancy pillow thing, i was sceptical at first as it cost like over £100 (120 dollars?) but it seems like it will be a god send when the little one is here....


----------



## jld

MrEmmi said:


> little update.
> I went to my shrink yesterday and asked him to help me both deal with my emotions and help me to turn my thoughts around a bit so i become more interested in everyday things and not just my hobbies. he gave me and interesting answer that i think was wrong (hoping some others here can give some insight too).
> he essentially said that the way we think and our thoughts and emotions are genetic and that there is no easy way of changing the way we think/feel.
> i beleive this to be totally wrong, how can the way we process things be a genetic thing? im SURE it is a learned thing, like racism, people are not bron racist A-holes, its a learned thing, like behaviour right? i mean thats what is the fundimental grounds of our behaviour right? thoughts and feeling? and behaviour is taught/learned/ maliable?
> or am i getting this all wrong?
> anyway. thats it for now i think.
> also we bought this cool pregnancy pillow thing, i was sceptical at first as it cost like over £100 (120 dollars?) but it seems like it will be a god send when the little one is here....


Did you challenge him on it? Or just ask him to please elaborate?

If not, would you feel comfortable doing so next time?


----------



## KillerClown

MrEmmi said:


> little update.
> I went to my shrink yesterday and asked him to help me both deal with my emotions and help me to turn my thoughts around a bit so i become more interested in everyday things and not just my hobbies. he gave me and interesting answer that i think was wrong (hoping some others here can give some insight too).
> he essentially said that the way we think and our thoughts and emotions are genetic and that there is no easy way of changing the way we think/feel.
> i beleive this to be totally wrong, how can the way we process things be a genetic thing? im SURE it is a learned thing, like racism, people are not bron racist A-holes, its a learned thing, like behaviour right? i mean thats what is the fundimental grounds of our behaviour right? thoughts and feeling? and behaviour is taught/learned/ maliable?
> or am i getting this all wrong?
> anyway. thats it for now i think.
> also we bought this cool pregnancy pillow thing, i was sceptical at first as it cost like over £100 (120 dollars?) but it seems like it will be a god send when the little one is here....


Did he actually say "Genetic"? If we can't change the way we think and feel then the shrink's profession is a farce. Sounds like one of those therapist who specializes in justifying bad behaviors and making you feeeeeeel gooooood about yourself.


----------



## Affaircare

MrEmmi said:


> little update.
> I went to my shrink yesterday and asked him to help me both deal with my emotions and help me to turn my thoughts around a bit so i become more interested in everyday things and not just my hobbies.


 @MrEmmi, 

I'm glad you came back and gave us a little update! I have to admit I was afraid the tone of some of the comments might have driven you off, so thanks for coming back!

I'm glad to see you're gong to "a shrink"--is that a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor/therapist type person? 

Also if you feel cool with sharing, can I ask you a question? You said you asked for "help to deal with my emotions " and "help to turn my thoughts around so i become more interested in everyday things." I don't get what you mean, so could you clarify? 

"Help deal with your emotions" I do kind of get, because you're fairly young and have a pretty wicked disease, so you MUST feel some pretty deep stuff about that--so the idea is to figure out WHAT you feel, and then figure out how to deal with the feelings. Most people may be able to get beyond "Well I feel pissed" and realize that anger is a secondary feeling, but then... what to do? How do you express it so that it's healthy? How do you cope? If you're feeling really hurt and you're used to stuffing it...how do you do something else that is better for you without losing it? Right? See I get that one! 

But the "help to turn my thoughts around so i become more interested in everyday things" confuses me. What "everyday things" are you not interested in? What hobbies are taking up your time? I don't really understand what your goal is here--like "help me to think about my wife doing the dishes"? or "help me see that the floor is messy?" (shrug) I'm kind lost!




> ...he gave me and interesting answer that i think was wrong (hoping some others here can give some insight too).
> he essentially said that the way we think and our thoughts and emotions are genetic and that there is no easy way of changing the way we think/feel.


BULL SHYTE! In my opinion that couldn't be further from the truth. Now... people do tend to have natural personalities (like I'm an INFP which stands for Introvert-Intuitive-Feeler-Perceiver) but I can learn how to be more extroverted if I choose to work at it! Or I can choose to learn how to be more Thinker and not let my emotions just carry me along like a river current! I can absolutely change the way I respond to an emotion and change the way I think! 

Isn't that the whole point of going to counseling? To learn BETTER ways to perceive things (think), and better ways to cope with feelings, and better ways to express feelings... ways that build relationships rather than destroying them? Maybe I'm being harsh but if I heard that in a session, I wouldn't go to that person again, because they are not a good fit! You may want to think about looking for a new shrink!!!



> also we bought this cool pregnancy pillow thing, i was sceptical at first as it cost like over £100 (120 dollars?) but it seems like it will be a god send when the little one is here....


Okay I can verify these things are a worth about a million dollars! I used a pillow when I was preggo so when I was sleeping it wasn't so uncomfy, and then with the baby was born you can use it to nurse in bed OR feed the baby a bottle during the day (I used to express into a bottle so "dad" could feed too!). They give baby a safe way to sit up and be supported! So good for you!!


----------



## CantePe

MrEmmi said:


> essentially I had an existential crisis after struggling with bad physical health and emotional health (locking emotions up) and sort of pulled out of the marriage in my mind.
> luckily my wife saw that it wasnt the real me and helped me through it.
> my health will never be better per se, i can improve things slightly, but its a genetic condition that is degenerative and messes all my joints and organs up.... phisio can help with the joint problems though.


I'm going to guess...

Elhers Danlos Syndrome. Which type?

(Or Marfan's)

Still no excuse to cheat.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

MrEmmi said:


> errrm hard to explain, but there was kissing and sexuals stuff but not sexual stuff, ie; no bits went in other bits.


So you think to claim the "no copulation" was planned? In such a case why go to kisses etc - women seldom sexually kiss guys they aren't at least willing to copulate with.

You know that you've got less to offer your wife than you once had, and yes that sight of your mortality can be a social construct destroyer. You now have embarrassed yourself and a huge debt to your wife - pray she stick around so you can BOTH enjoy your remaining time together (and yes I know several people with degenerative conditions - you just have to make the best of every day, just like a bad poker hand.... no one gets to choose, and some of us just get bad hands, nothing you can do with it but play it out as it comes. No point wasting energy to pretend otherwise)


----------



## Natthewife

Just to add a little about myself and my husband as to a certain degree I understand. 
I'm 33 he is 35. He has a severe debilitating disease which progresses very fast. He now has a wheelchair and is becoming paralysed. Mainly his left side for now but will effect his right side. Most of his body from neck down has no feeling. At some point he will lose the use of his bowel and bladder. He also has a large cyst on his brain and a whole host of other symptoms including daily chronic pain.
He has what is called syringomyelia. His cyst fills the inside of his spinal cord from top to bottom. 
In the beginning when he started getting worse it was very very hard for him to adjust to. We have children and there's alot he cannot do with them which is very upsetting. We cant go do nights out like others can. 
His biggest issue then was confidence. He felt like I couldn't cope with being a full time carer for him in the future. He thought I found him unattractive due to his disability. 
He just always had negative thoughts.
I soon realised that boosting his confidence daily and sex was the key to getting us better. 
He needed to be have a normal sex life as it makes him feel like a normal healthy 35 year old male. We have a great sex life which helps him massively. He has odd moments where he feels down, fed up and unattractive but I recognise when he just needs a hug and told how much he's loved that everything is going to be alright. 
I trust him 100 per cent.
I think some people to easily us their disability as an excuse. I can only say that as I have a man who I have seen at his lowest in everything and infedililty was still the last thing from his mind. He was too busy worrying about me and if I could cope or if I would run off with the next healthy man I seen. 
He felt I deserved to be with someone who could work and provide better for his family as he couldn't. 
The strange thing is I lived with an ex who lost count how many women he slept with. I had 3 children with this man and suffered alot of physical abuse and denial. 
My current husband has also been a cheater in previous relationships but I still trust him 100 per cent. 

Please just don't accept his condition as an excuse for his behaviour. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MrEmmi

Affaircare said:


> @MrEmmi,
> 
> I'm glad you came back and gave us a little update! I have to admit I was afraid the tone of some of the comments might have driven you off, so thanks for coming back!
> 
> I'm glad to see you're gong to "a shrink"--is that a psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor/therapist type person?
> 
> Also if you feel cool with sharing, can I ask you a question? You said you asked for "help to deal with my emotions " and "help to turn my thoughts around so i become more interested in everyday things." I don't get what you mean, so could you clarify?
> 
> "Help deal with your emotions" I do kind of get, because you're fairly young and have a pretty wicked disease, so you MUST feel some pretty deep stuff about that--so the idea is to figure out WHAT you feel, and then figure out how to deal with the feelings. Most people may be able to get beyond "Well I feel pissed" and realize that anger is a secondary feeling, but then... what to do? How do you express it so that it's healthy? How do you cope? If you're feeling really hurt and you're used to stuffing it...how do you do something else that is better for you without losing it? Right? See I get that one!
> 
> But the "help to turn my thoughts around so i become more interested in everyday things" confuses me. What "everyday things" are you not interested in? What hobbies are taking up your time? I don't really understand what your goal is here--like "help me to think about my wife doing the dishes"? or "help me see that the floor is messy?" (shrug) I'm kind lost!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BULL SHYTE! In my opinion that couldn't be further from the truth. Now... people do tend to have natural personalities (like I'm an INFP which stands for Introvert-Intuitive-Feeler-Perceiver) but I can learn how to be more extroverted if I choose to work at it! Or I can choose to learn how to be more Thinker and not let my emotions just carry me along like a river current! I can absolutely change the way I respond to an emotion and change the way I think!
> 
> Isn't that the whole point of going to counseling? To learn BETTER ways to perceive things (think), and better ways to cope with feelings, and better ways to express feelings... ways that build relationships rather than destroying them? Maybe I'm being harsh but if I heard that in a session, I wouldn't go to that person again, because they are not a good fit! You may want to think about looking for a new shrink!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Okay I can verify these things are a worth about a million dollars! I used a pillow when I was preggo so when I was sleeping it wasn't so uncomfy, and then with the baby was born you can use it to nurse in bed OR feed the baby a bottle during the day (I used to express into a bottle so "dad" could feed too!). They give baby a safe way to sit up and be supported! So good for you!!


my shrink is a psychologist, the only one i can see that comes under my free healthcare card thing, so essentially my only option. i saw previously a psyciatrist who just prescribed me meds and was kinda useless (that was before my existential crisis).

because of my upbringing I am very disconnected from my emotions, my family were never close and never will be, part of the reason im seeing my shrink is to work through those problems. 
I dont feel emotions or well have the connections to them like other people do. our marriage councillor gave us this info about different family types and i remember me and my wife both thought my family was this same type (the name slips me right now). but it was very much "oh we dont need to talk about emotions" when i was a kid.

but the turning my thoughts around thing is like errrmmm...
say for instance you plan to decorate the bathroom, you start to visualise things, like colours etc, you look in magasines and on the net at new sinks etc etc. well i just fade out on these thoughts. I cant stay focused so well on things other than my hobbies/intrests (motorsport) which has also been my profession. something i am very good at (blowing my won trumpet here!)
but like even my other hobbies hardly get a thought, i took up scuba years ago and spent a whole lot of money learning it, its something ive not done in years and not even thought about.
i play guitar, lots, but again, its something i dont think about, i just sort of do it.
you see what i mean? 
its a problem.
I cant talk with my wife about raising our kid for more than 10 mins before my mind shuts off... 
this is what NEEDS changing. and this is what my shrink says i cant change...
I understand this wont be easy, but nothing in life is easy really....


----------



## MrEmmi

CantePe said:


> I'm going to guess...
> 
> Elhers Danlos Syndrome. Which type?
> 
> (Or Marfan's)
> 
> Still no excuse to cheat.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


yes, EDS type 4. but my main problem is hypermobility and the joint pain/dislocations associated with that.
you must have read that from my wifes post as there was nothing to suggest any of my symptoms mentioned above...
do you know anyone with it?
its a funny thing when i can tell a dr more about my condition than they know....
oh and there was a gynocologist who said to my wife something along the lines of "i had a patient with EDS who had a kid that didnt get it, so its 100% sure that your kid wont have it"...
I know that my health was no excuse, im not making excuses, i made a mistake, a monumental one, and i am going to do all i can to rectify it and work to make us a better couple than we have ever been.


----------



## CantePe

MrEmmi said:


> yes, EDS type 4. but my main problem is hypermobility and the joint pain/dislocations associated with that.
> you must have read that from my wifes post as there was nothing to suggest any of my symptoms mentioned above...
> do you know anyone with it?
> its a funny thing when i can tell a dr more about my condition than they know....
> oh and there was a gynocologist who said to my wife something along the lines of "i had a patient with EDS who had a kid that didnt get it, so its 100% sure that your kid wont have it"...
> I know that my health was no excuse, im not making excuses, i made a mistake, a monumental one, and i am going to do all i can to rectify it and work to make us a better couple than we have ever been.


I know quite a bit about EDS.

They are testing for EDS type 3 for myself and kids.

Only reason I know about Marfan's is because a friend, her two daughters and mother have Marfan's.

Both conditions can mimic MS (and vice versa) and I have MS (or so my diagnosis is however one neurologist is back tracking and thinking misdiagnosis of MS now. The joys of rare genetic disorders).

To my understanding type 4 primarily affects male patients and is also called type X ( if I remember that correctly) due to a chromosomal abnormality on the X gene?

Studies are actually starting to show EDS is not as rare as first thought but just misdiagnosed more times than diagnosed.

Between the main types and sub types there are about 10 unique types of EDS.

JHS-EDS is only now being recognized as a subtype.

There is no cure only treatment of symptoms. As someone diagnosed as an MS patient I pray for the MS diagnosis to be accurate (if I offend I'm sorry, I wouldn't wish EDS on even my worse enemy) rather than it being EDS. MS has better treatment options in all honesty. There is very little understanding of EDS and very few treatment options.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


----------



## CantePe

Gyno is an idiot by the way. Get your kids genetic testing.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera

OP, if you're truly interested in 'rewiring' your brain to change the way you think away from how you learned in childhood, there's an excellent book on that that someone recommended to me. It's called Emotional Alchemy.


----------



## Affaircare

MrEmmi said:


> my shrink is a psychologist, the only one i can see that comes under my free healthcare card thing, so essentially my only option. i saw previously a psyciatrist who just prescribed me meds and was kinda useless (that was before my existential crisis).


I hear ya--the p docs that just cop out with "here take this pill" drive me crazy. I personally think they are just trying to get folks in and out of their office and push pills--but then again, I'm a skeptic! 



> because of my upbringing I am very disconnected from my emotions, my family were never close and never will be, part of the reason im seeing my shrink is to work through those problems.
> I dont feel emotions or well have the connections to them like other people do. our marriage councillor gave us this info about different family types and i remember me and my wife both thought my family was this same type (the name slips me right now). but it was very much "oh we dont need to talk about emotions" when i was a kid.


Again, I can understand what you mean here. My parents were physically abusive to me my whole childhood, so I learned to just not feel. I was physically "numb" to not feel the beating, but also emotionally "numb" to not feel so sad and hurt. In a weird way, it felt like everyone else saw the world "in color" and I saw the world as grays--colorblind. I mean I did feel stuff--mostly anger--but I was afraid to really open that up because I was pretty sure if I open that Pandora's Box, all kinds of dark sh!t would come flooding out! So I dampened everything...every thing! 



> but the turning my thoughts around thing is like errrmmm...
> say for instance you plan to decorate the bathroom, you start to visualise things, like colours etc, you look in magasines and on the net at new sinks etc etc. well i just fade out on these thoughts. I cant stay focused so well on things other than my hobbies/intrests (motorsport) which has also been my profession. something i am very good at (blowing my won trumpet here!)
> but like even my other hobbies hardly get a thought, i took up scuba years ago and spent a whole lot of money learning it, its something ive not done in years and not even thought about.
> i play guitar, lots, but again, its something i dont think about, i just sort of do it.
> you see what i mean?


To be honest with you, I don't really, because I think I'm the opposite. I think of everything, all the time, to the point that I'm distracted by it all. Then again, I think I have adult ADD and was just never diagnosed when I was younger. I just learned to cope with it. Like... I think every stimulation comes through to my brain at an equal level--lights, sounds, colors, smells, all hit at the same time, and my brain thinks about them all at the same time. I learned how to "sift through it all" and pick a couple that are the more important ones. I also make lists of things ALL THE TIME to remind of this important thing and that important thing... 

I wonder if you have either ADD or like "reverse ADD"? Would that be DAA?



> its a problem.
> I cant talk with my wife about raising our kid for more than 10 mins before my mind shuts off...
> this is what NEEDS changing. and this is what my shrink says i cant change...
> I understand this wont be easy, but nothing in life is easy really....


True. I wonder...can you talk about raising the kids for the 10 mins and then say 'Hey my mind is shutting off. Can we take a break so my mind can come back on?' ...and then take 10? I mean maybe you could do something easy like break up the talk into shorter segments until you build up endurance...or maybe you could practice going 1 more minute. Like, it's 10 mins of talking--break for 10--11 mins of talking--break for 11--12 mins of talking and so on. That way you COULD build up concentration endurance and she'd be on your side helping you instead of being the one who's all frustrated cuz she can't get everything she needs to say into 10 minutes!

Also, I have thought/question. Do you know what your Myers-Briggs personality type is? There's a link to it on our Quizzes Page so click on that first quiz and have Emmi do one too. Maybe you are a personality type that is quieter or internal (like an introvert or a thinker). Let me know your personality letters and Emmi's and I'll tell you more about them.


----------



## Emmi

I am INFP, and my husband ISTP.

Even though I am INFP I am very logical and analytical as well, it's just that empathy, values and emotions always comes higher for me. Also I am an artist, Even though I didn't get the typical artist personality type...

I would love to hear your comments on our personality types. 

How you described the fear of emotions sounds a lot like my husband, I'm sure he'll reply later, but we aren't at home at the moment and he prefers to use the computer for writing and not his phone.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

I think it's great that you are both here and want to rebuild your marriage.. I feel for both of you.. as learning one has a debilitating disease could shake anyone's core, some have even taken their lives over it.. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and it's one of my biggest fears in life (to happen to me or a family member).. 

And Emmi is very caring loving wife to hold on, through the pain & betrayal...yet not giving up on you...trusting that just WASN'T the REAL YOU during this time....You are very blessed to have her in your life..

I haven't read her/ your story threads (yet anyway).. we ran into each other on another thread here .. she took issue with something I said.. then shared her story.. I am in "awe" of those who are determined to stick it out...rebuilding from the ashes -so to speak...

I wouldn't knock them or judge them.. but support them..


----------



## Affaircare

Emmi said:


> I am INFP, and my husband ISTP. ... I would love to hear your comments on our personality types.


Well right off the bat without even thinking, it looks like you are both *introverts *so that's super good! You two probably don't clash on wanting to "go out" or needing to spend time with a bunch of friends. You can really use that to your advantage. Dear Hubby and I are both introverts too, so our ideas of fun are the same: stay home, make a GREAT meal together, and then play a game or watch a movie together. 

I also so see you are both *perceivers*, which again, anything you two have in common will be a bond that helps you because you sort of see the world similarly. In this case, a J for judger would see the world in black and white, right and wrong, should or shouldn't (I like to think of J's as having like all these rules about how things should and should not be done, and if you don't fit those rules, they are thrown for a loop); but P's like you guys (and Dear Hubby and I) see the world with shades of gray. There is right and wrong, but there are all these variables and possibilities in between too! For example, instead of having a list of rules about how things "should" be done, a P would say "Well yeah you could do that, but you could also do this and this and this and this!" 

Now none of these letters is "right" or "wrong"--it's just a way of identifying tendencies and being able to work through where we are similar and where we are different. So J's are right and P's wrong--they just ARE. And most folks are on a spectrum. We all have some things we J about (aka cheating is WRONG...black and white!), but in the majority of times, you tend to be Perceiver and see the various gray possibilities rather than seeing just one way. Make sense??


Okay I see that where you two differ is N and S--and F and T. For men and women, the F and T difference is actually fairly typical. This is a VERY general statement, but quite often guys tend toward Thinker and gals tend toward Feeler. That is not always the case, and everyone is on a spectrum, remember. So for example, my Dear Hubby is about 70% Thinker and 30% Feeler overall....but in some moments he really FEELS and in other moments his Thinker is just 100%!! The difference between these two may actually be some of the areas where you two have a little conflict, and I don't necessarily mean fights. I mean: you are not the same! 

Being a Thinker doesn't mean you do not Feel, just as being a Feeler doesn't mean you aren't logical! Being a Thinker just means that if you have some information and you need to evaluate the info, you use your mind to do it and reach your decision or conclusion. Likewise being a Feeler means that if you have some info and you need to evaluate it, you use your emotions to reach your decision or conclusion. A thinker might say stuff like: "I have thought it over and based on the data I believe the Ford will be the best car to buy due to safety ratings." A feeler might say stuff like: "I've been consider which car to buy, and I feel like the Buick feels like a better deal and is more comfortable." So one way of looking at it is that Thinkers put in info, calculate, analyze and then decide; Feelers put in info, see how it feels, and often make decisions based on emotion or "how they feel." Neither one is right or wrong--they just ARE! But if one spouse is evaluating and analyzing--to the feeling spouse it can seem like "Man, don't you feel ANYTHING? Are you Spock or what?" And to the thinking spouse, it can feel like "I'm giving this thought, I'm trying to make the wisest choice I can, and all you do is get emotional about everything." Seriously--envision Spock and Kirk! The trick is, rather than trying to turn Spock INTO Kirk or turn Kirk into Spock, recognizing that both have their strengths, both need each other, and both can learn from the other! 

Finally there's the N and S. This one is kind of easy to understand. N is for iNtuition (because I had already been used--lol), and S is for Sensing. So Emmi, you tend to recharge your battery internally rather than externally (introvert), you tend to gather data using intuition and not necessarily the concrete facts in front of you (intuition), you tend to process the info you gathered using your emotions first (feeler), and you tend to see many possible interpretations and options as your conclusion (perceiver). MrEmmi, you tend to also recharge your battery inside yourself rather from others (introvert), you tend to gather info from the concrete world around you such as with your senses and with facts (sensor), you tend to process the info you gathered using your mind first to analyze and evaluate (thinker), and when you reach your conclusion, you see several viable options that would be acceptable (perceiver). 

Finally, overall ISTPs tend to be Mechanics of the world. I mean...they love motors and "how things work" and learning with the thing right in front of them where they can touch it. They like to DO THINGS rather than thinking about theories and making plans. They also tend to like a bit of action--so for some reason they end up liking cars, motorcycles, bunge jumping, sky diving--that thrilling stuff. An ISTP who is really stressed-out may have a fairly uncharacteristic emotional outburst OR have this overwhelming feeling that they have to share and do so inappropriately. After that, they don't want to share anymore. Usually ISTPs don't believe in reaching conclusions based on their own personal values because they think judgments should be made impartially based on the facts. So they don't pay attention to their own feelings because they can't tell the difference between their emotional reaction and a value judgment! 

Overall INFPs (that's me) tend to be the Healers. I mean...they love to help people and make the world a better place. Most are very intuitive and are especially intuitive about other people, so we pick up on things about our partner pretty easily. We tend to be pretty thoughtful and considerate and are great listeners because we're so intuitive, but we also go to GREAT LENGTHS to avoid conflict. Conflict =feeling bad!! When we do have to face a conflict (like with our spouse) we don't really care who's right or wrong, we just don't want to feel bad anymore! To thinkers this seems completely illogical and irrational. Most INFPs are pretty laid-back and easy going except for if one of our values is crossed--then it becomes our "cause." And as we go along in life gather data, there is no such thing as "impersonal data"--everything is personal and about relationships and related! INFPs usually are really hard on themselves and hold themselves to a horribly high standard, and then when we don't meet the high standard we get all down on themselves and don't give ourselves credit. Also when we're stressed out, we'll throw out fact after illogical fact in an emotional outburst that feels like a flood to us, and seems completely irrational to someone who's a thinker. ("That first fact just isn't true, and then you built on that untrue fact with yet another fact that also wasn't true, so your whole argument is unsupportable." LOL)


----------



## Emmi

@Affaircare, thank you so much for taking the time to write all this, I can relate to pretty much everything, except from the last paragraph. I am very much solution oriented, so if there is ever a conflict I want to work through it and solve it, rather than avoid it, especially in my marriage. This could just be a learned skill though, and I can't do it as good with anyone other than my husband. He on the other hand is very conflict avoidant, but a lot of the time I think that is because he can't identify the problem and wouldn't know how to address it.

I am not a Star Trek fan, so all I know about that I get from Big Bang theory. But when it comes to the thinking vs feeling I feel/think I'm very balanced between them, internally I guess I base my decisions on feelings, but I always back them up with logic, and sometimes I go against my instincts because I feel obligated to follow the logical path. This could have a lot to do with my childhood, where logic and reason was highly valued and feelings were suppressed. Accuracy is also quite important to me, and I would never build an argument on a false fact, another thing I regard as one of my downfalls is a need to be right. I am humble and able to admit when I'm wrong, but I tend to be right, and sometimes I wonder if I also need to be right a bit to much. Me and my husband actually have laughed together at people arguing online where their entire argument is based on incorrect facts or irrational logic... The need to be right is also probably something from my childhood, my sister recently pointed out that it was a big part of our dads discipline, she said he would point out our wrongs while at the same time demand us to be more right...


----------



## Yosemite

Natthewife said:


> He has a severe debilitating disease which progresses very fast. He now has a wheelchair and is becoming paralysed. Mainly his left side for now but will effect his right side. Most of his body from neck down has no feeling. At some point he will lose the use of his bowel and bladder. He also has a large cyst on his brain and a whole host of other symptoms including daily chronic pain.
> He has what is called syringomyelia. His cyst fills the inside of his spinal cord from top to bottom.


Did he tell you this or did you hear it directly from a doctor?

I'm working a theory.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I believe your psychologist to be mostly accurate. The way the brain is hardwired is impossible to change. You made a comparison using racism. Think about that for a moment. How does one become racist? I was raised in a very racially biased household. By all accounts I should have turned out to be a racist. However, as I matured and my thoughts became my own I saw no basis for racism. I saw people of varying ethnic backgrounds based on ability rather than color.

How one arrives at their opinions and the views they form indeed vary widely from individual to individual and that basic thought process changes very little, if at all. If it were possible to change then their would be no racism, no cheaters, murderers, drug addicts nor any other form of deviant behavior. There would be only one political party and the world would be a much better place to live.

Sadly that is not the case. Now it is possible to place facts in front of someone, irrefutable evidence, and have that person deny those facts because they cannot process the information in a way that brings the obvious conclusion. Take the poster that shared their story regarding their sick H. He is only mid thirties and yet is facing a terminal illness that will slowly, painfully kill him and yet she indicated his thoughts never went to infidelity because his thought process put his wife and her needs above his own. Yours did not and what you must see and understand is why.

Your thought process was able to put you above your W, your kids, your family, all of that, why? It is because that as the intellect develops it brings the realization that we are not the center of the universe. The world was not made for us and the people in it are not there as filler material to our life. Some reach this level of development, many more do not. Now it is possible, unlikely, but possible that you acted completely out of character. The reason this is unlikely is because usually when someone is faced with adversity their true character comes out.

If this incident is far and away not your normal behavior then it is possible that you were overwhelmed and acted irrationally however, if that were the case then your own guilt and angst over the situation would be more than sufficient to insure that it would never happen again. Counseling would be of little to no use in regard to your ability to repeat that behavior. So then what you must accept is that if your behavior was/is indicative of your normal response then you will need to be vigilant and mindful going forward to prevent a repeat of this occurrence.

If this is not indicative of your normal behavior then there is little chance it can happen again because of the overwhelming anguish this has caused you. I have heard of this occurring a scant few times on this board but I am only personally familiar with one instance. The poster's name is "Losinghim" and her thread is "Under a Microscope". She was also the WS and it may benefit you to see her journey after her betrayal and the way she beat herself up for her misdeed. Her event has changed her life forever, not so much because of what someone else did to her but rather because of what she has done to herself. Her contrition was/is deep and heartfelt.

You are the only one who knows how you truly feel inside and therefore the only one qualified to acknowledge which category this falls into. It is promising that you have come here seeking help and if you are truly sincere you will find it.


----------

