# Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...



## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

JB.. I like your advice and words of incouragement, so I just want to get you opinion...

My wife had an affair with an old friend, we were going through I tuff time, but while she was going out and getting her rocks off i was hard at work trying to "fix" us. She came to me about 3 days after i dicoverd her affair and told me she wants to work on things and keep our family together she's scared of going through all the pain again - which is a joke anyway cause she don't know pian... I told her I'm a fighter and I will never give up, but about 2 weeks ago, for the first time, I told her Im done I just couldent deal with it anymore because she wasn't giving me the "loving" feelings and i felt like I was the only one trying. But she quickly turned on the love and turned me right around..
I love this girl to death and would love for this to workout, we still date and see eachother almost everyday. we have 2 young children, but I want to be with her for her not for the kids. i dont know if the feeling mutual... I stay with her about three nights a weeks, theres no schedule i just see how im feeling that day..

You probly need more info, but what the hell should i do, I feel like i dont have a back bone anymore, I was a very confident young man..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

Hi CC. I saw you wrote me in the other thread but will respond here. 

If you want to work it out, then work it out. Together. It takes two. One cannot do it alone. She has done something that has broken your trust and no doubt that is why you feel you don't know what is up or down, whether she is being genuine or not in her saying she wants to be with you now. That is normal for the betrayed partner. Once someone cheats, it calls you to question every aspect of your relationship--what was real, what wasn't? Does he/she really love me or are they just going through the motions.

It takes two. So if you want to restore your relationship, BOTH of you need to work on it together. Get into marriage counselling. Sit her down today and tell her what you need in order for her to earn your trust back. Tell her what you want her to do to make things better, etc. One of those things should be absolutely ZERO CONTACT with her affair partner. Nothing, nada, zilch. He must be deleted from her phone, blocked from her emails/FB, no contact at all whatsoever. She must show genuine remorse/and apologize to you about what she did--know how she hurt you, acknowledge your pain, own what she did, accept that it's now up to you to decide whether to stay together or not.

If she doesn't own what she did or accept how you feel and does not end up contact -- then no dice. These things are completely NON-negotiable. 

Why aren't you living together? SHe should end contact with OM, you guys should make a committment together to work on things and go from there. Oh and just as you should tell her what she needs to do to earn your trust back, you should also ask her what you can do to contribute to/better your marriage together. 

You DO have a backbone. Respect yourself. Tell her what you need, require, and go from there. If she will not meet you halfway, end contact with OM, or put forth the same effort you are after cheating on you, then she is not worth your time.


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## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

JB... first of all Thank you for getting back to me,

We were fight a lot a few months ago and she asked me to leave, she said she needed a break - since then I've been busting me a** to "win" her back. During this time I found out about the OM. I understand that if I really love and want to fix then I should go ahead and do that, but thats what I've been doing with little reward. She tells me I can trust her but as you said I don't think I can atleast right now.

I think right now I don't want to try anymore because it's exhausting to me, I'm scared to lose her. Even though in reality I lost her a long time ago. 

If she really loves me and wants me then she should fight for me, so what I may do is just stop trying and see what happens. This way I can test the waters and see if the door is shut on us...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

Trust but verify.

She needs to end all contact with him. ALL contact. Has she done that? if not, don't even consider reconciliation. No MC either. 

If she has ended all contact, go home. Make a plan together to restore your marriage. 100% transparency.

The first issue though is this:

First you said you wanted to reconcile, then you say you don't want to try anymore. Which is it? You must decide and go from there.


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## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

Okay... I'm just trying to get a game plan together becuase I usually have an idea of what I want to say and do, but once I get around it goes out the window and I act like a loving/forgiving husband. 

So, I want to sit down with her and talk about the zero communication. My issue with this is she should want to cut contact herself, if she really wants me. I don't want to force the issue becuase then I'll seem controlling and that may push her back towards him..

how can I get my point acrossed without being insecure or controlling?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

How do you know the affair has ended? She sounds manipulative enough to have found a way to take it underground. You aren't in the house full time so she could easily be talking/texting him all the time.

Why are you going at this like you are the one who did something wrong and have to win her back? She is the one who cheated. 

She is also the one who turned on the love for a little bit and manipulated you into sweeping the affair and her responsibility under the rug.

She should be willing to walk across glass barefoot to fix what she has broken: your trust. 

Telling your cheating wife that she has to have NO contact with the OM and that has to give you FULL transparency isn't being insecure. It is very much strongly stating in non-negotiable terms what she MUST do to being fixing the problem she alone is responsible for.

Is it controlling? Yes it is, but it is a natural consequence of her cheating. If she really wants to make it work, she has to give up a lot of freedom, at least until she can be trusted again. Right now there isn't any trust, because she has destroyed the trust.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



CC2011 said:


> So, I want to sit down with her and talk about the zero communication. My issue with this is she should want to cut contact herself, if she really wants me. I don't want to force the issue becuase then I'll seem controlling and that may push her back towards him..
> 
> how can I get my point acrossed without being insecure or controlling?


It's not controlling to want to protect your marriage from outsiders and a third party. If you don't speak up, she will neer know where your head is at. 

As for you saying one thing and then turning into a loving/forgiving husband--there is nothing wrong with being loving and forgiving as long as you are being treated with that same love and respect. 

Figure out what you want to do first and go from there. DO NOT WAIVER from your plan.


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## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



Shaggy said:


> How do you know the affair has ended? She sounds manipulative enough to have found a way to take it underground. You aren't in the house full time so she could easily be talking/texting him all the time.


I have control over our cell phones, which I should of monitored before cause I would seen them texting months ago, but I do know she's not using her phone to talk to him.

Your completly right, I feel that I've done what I always do.. I put our issues on my shoulders, to try and fix things, when she should have all this weight.. not me

I'm really lost on how to go about this without destroying any hope of reconciling, I'm tired of asking her if she wants to and how she feels cause I'm going to get the same answers. 

I know theres a woman out there who will appricate me and everything I do, I just don't want to walk away until I know I'll have not regrets..


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## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



Jellybeans said:


> As for you saying one thing and then turning into a loving/forgiving husband--there is nothing wrong with being loving and forgiving as long as you are being treated with that same love and respect.


This is why I'm here, I dont get the respect and love that I give her. The only time I get it is when I say I'm done, I guess it scares her into acting that way, which maybe a fake reaction.

I have a habit of overthinking things, as you can probly tell, but who would'nt over think crap in my situation. The light at the end of my tunnel is very dim, and I realize that, I'm just lost and scared leave. Damn it..lol

It's obvious my love for this girl is very strong and I still want a long HAPPY life with her, but I've been leading my life with my heart and thats not getting me anywhere. I just don't know if all this crap is worth the effort..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



CC2011 said:


> Your completly right, I feel that I've done what I always do.. I put our issues on my shoulders, to try and fix things, when she should have all this weight.. not me


The affair is HER mess to clean up. Don't put that responsibility on yourself.

If you want to work things out, you need a plan and you ned to stick to it. Ball is in your court.


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## CC2011 (Aug 3, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

JB.. I want my W to know I'm not a sure thing, so that if she doesn't change her ways I will leave. I got to do this to get my confidence back, but how can i do that without pushing her away?

I was thinking I could just stop trying, stop staying with her, stop taking care of her, and really try to turn my back without being a jerk. What do you think..?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*

I think you need to tell her what you want and what your boundaries are. And if she can't heed them, then make it clear you are leaving. Done. Finito. Over. Out, all of that.

Boundaries without consequences aren't boundaries.


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



CC2011 said:


> JB.. I like your advice and words of incouragement, so I just want to get you opinion...
> 
> My wife had an affair with an old friend, we were going through I tuff time, but while she was going out and getting her rocks off i was hard at work trying to "fix" us. She came to me about 3 days after i dicoverd her affair and told me she wants to work on things and keep our family together she's scared of going through all the pain again - which is a joke anyway cause she don't know pian... I told her I'm a fighter and I will never give up, but about 2 weeks ago, for the first time, I told her Im done I just couldent deal with it anymore because she wasn't giving me the "loving" feelings and i felt like I was the only one trying. But she quickly turned on the love and turned me right around..
> I love this girl to death and would love for this to workout, we still date and see eachother almost everyday. we have 2 young children, but I want to be with her for her not for the kids. i dont know if the feeling mutual... I stay with her about three nights a weeks, theres no schedule i just see how im feeling that day..
> ...


Man i hear ya, im kinda in that same situation with my wife not trying and me only trying; then all of a sudden it seems she wants like you make things work out but honestly i'm too scared to ever fully commit agian to a trustfull relantionship because of the feeling of this will happen again, and agian.


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

*Re: For the ones that didn't reconcile...*



CC2011 said:


> JB.. I like your advice and words of incouragement, so I just want to get you opinion...
> 
> My wife had an affair with an old friend, we were going through I tuff time, but while she was going out and getting her rocks off i was hard at work trying to "fix" us. She came to me about 3 days after i dicoverd her affair and told me she wants to work on things and keep our family together she's scared of going through all the pain again - which is a joke anyway cause she don't know pian... I told her I'm a fighter and I will never give up, but about 2 weeks ago, for the first time, I told her Im done I just couldent deal with it anymore because she wasn't giving me the "loving" feelings and i felt like I was the only one trying. But she quickly turned on the love and turned me right around..
> I love this girl to death and would love for this to workout, we still date and see eachother almost everyday. we have 2 young children, but I want to be with her for her not for the kids. i dont know if the feeling mutual... I stay with her about three nights a weeks, theres no schedule i just see how im feeling that day..
> ...


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