# Wife cheated 3 years ago and I'm still a mess



## Nov18/2010 (Dec 5, 2013)

Hello.
My wife cheated on me 3 years ago and I'm still completely destroyed. At the time, I decided to stay with her because we had young kids and I felt like she really regretted her actions. 

We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.

I'm a smart, somewhat good looking and highly successful guy in his mid-30s and I had given everything I had to our life together. We have been through a lot since the affair came to light. We have even had another baby, which she insists proves that she is commited to us. 

Since then, I never been the same. I'm completely obsessed with her every action, what she does online (which is how she communicated with the other man...), who are the men at her work, etc. 

The worst part for me is that I have completely lost my confidence. I feel awkward all the time in social situations and I get very angry very easily. Some nights I can't sleep. It's even affecting my performance in the bedroom cause I have so much anxiety. I have been to therapy a couple times and it helps for a couple days and then I fall back into my fog.

I'm sick of feeling like this and I feel like if I don't snap out of this, I will lose everything: Wife, family, job, friends...

Has any body been in my situation and how did you get out of it?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. You can’t speed up your spouse’s healing process, and you shouldn’t ever negate its significance. Be ready to answer questions at any time, even months or years after the affair has ended. And listen to his or her reactions without anger or blame.

Read more: 15 Steps to Surviving an Affair | Reader's Digest

A WS needs to understand this. The "NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES" and the "YOU SHOULDN"T EVER NEGATE ITS SIGNIFICANCE".


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> My wife cheated on me 3 years ago and I'm still completely destroyed. At the time, I decided to stay with her because we had young kids and I felt like she really regretted her actions.
> 
> We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.
> ...


You should tell her to answer or divorce her and take care of you
Her unwillingness to answer is completely unfair and she deserves consequences for treating you this way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I advice you to read the first 2 pages of this thread and share ir with your wife to help her undestand what are you experimenting.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/430739-post1.html

It does not matter if it was 3 years ago, real reconcilation take many years and that assuming that reconcilation is even possible in your case.

the reactions you enlist are common, and triggers are also common she have to earn your trust back and is not a easy task.

you have to look in yourself and think if reconcilation is really for you, reasons like:

- I am staying for the sake of the kids
- I am a true Christian so I believe in forgivness.
- our priest and counselor insist at giving a second try
- my family members (parents, brothers, etc) are pressuring me to not break the family appart.

are not good enough reasons, you have to do it because you still want to be with your wife and that desire is stronger than the resenment and distrust you feel for her, otherwise you will end drifting apart and wasting years and accumulating more resentment.

finally you both can check this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

there are many people in process of reconcilation there and many remorseful WS that can guide the both of you in how to attemp to rebuild your relationship.

again I just advice you to do this if you are reconciliating for the right resons.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sometimes you just can't get over it no matter what they do or say. Now you have a big decision, stay and fight this demon for a VERY long time or cut loose and try to start and finally heal from it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long did it last?

Was sexual or emotional needs did the affair meet?

Do others in your families know about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife is NOT doing what she needs to to help you. I am a bit farther out than you are, and if I was still feeling that way there is NO way I would stay. Staying for the kids will result in a continuing deterioration of your self esteem and happiness. Start D now.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It sounds like you are going through what I was. I found my self so sickened that I had to even check up on her in the first place. I found my self regretting even staying with her and participating in the joke of a marriage. She cheated before we got marriage and cheated several more times to the last time when I threw her out and filed for a divorce. You are going to have to really get in touch with you and see if you can get over this. If you cant then you need to end your marriage and move on before things get worse. Do not stay for the kids sake. It is what I did and it was the dumbest choice I ever made. My kids suffered more than I could have ever imagined. 

I am truly sorry you are going through this but now you need to figure out where to go to next. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long ago did you find out about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I understand why your wife doesn't want to talk about it now. It's embarrassing to her, and painful, and now with a clear head, she realizes how horrible her actions were. She just wants to put that part of her life behind her and get on with life and not keep getting hammered over the head with what a terrible person she was.

However, she's not sensitive to the way you feel about it, and that's the most important thing. That's why it's so important to really get everything out at the time and receive genuine remorse from your cheating spouse. It sounds like recovery feels "incomplete" to you. Like everything was done halfway. I don't know if that's your wife's fault, by her moving things along too fast, or if you weren't thorough enough and felt, at the time, that you could put it behind you.

The problem with you continuing to dwell on this is your wife might see you as being weak and needy, which isn't attractive behavior from your wife's viewpoint. She's attracted to strong, not weak. 

So I really don't know what you should do, but at some point, you have to move along. I know, easier said than done.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Cubby said:


> I understand why your wife doesn't want to talk about it now. It's embarrassing to her, and painful, and now with a clear head, she realizes how horrible her actions were. She just wants to put that part of her life behind her and get on with life and not keep getting hammered over the head with what a terrible person she was.
> 
> However, she's not sensitive to the way you feel about it, and that's the most important thing. That's why it's so important to really get everything out at the time and receive genuine remorse from your cheating spouse. It sounds like recovery feels "incomplete" to you. Like everything was done halfway. I don't know if that's your wife's fault, by her moving things along too fast, or if you weren't thorough enough and felt, at the time, that you could put it behind you.
> 
> ...


It's tough to balance what you talk about.. you can only hide your pain so much, and how can they empathize with you if you don't share. You will build up resentments and internalize it, but you don't want to be mean or cruel about it. You need to let them know if they are doing everything they can, that you appreciate them making the effort to change for the better.

So the BS needs to go through the process of the anger, the questions, the hurt.. and the WS needs to realize that they created this monster, and if they choose to R (if they're fortunate enough to have that option), they need to own that completely and show patience and compassion for the BS, not ridicule them or make them feel like they are doing something wrong. That's sounds too much like gas lighting trying to convince you that you're not right or that you're wrong to still be feeling something.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Your wife was able to game you on this. A couple of therapy sessions and wife does not want to talk about it!

I am sorry your wife does not get a choice. You can talk about it all you need to if she does not want to talk about it well honey there is the door tell me where to send the divorce papers.

I am also betting you did not expose. You have allowed this to be swept under the rug. I spent a 18 months in MC with my wife. You really need to be an alpha guy on this. Sit her down and tell her MC as long as you deem it is needed and you can ask her questions any questions about HER AFFAIR!!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Answer these questions:

Do you have good reason to believe your wife hasn't told you the truth about her A?

Did you expose her affair to her family, your family, and the POSOM's wife/SO?

Has your wife demonstrated consistent remorse and transparency since this happened?

If the answers to these questions are anything but No/Yes/Yes then you are likely in a false R and it's no wonder that you're still not over this after 3 years.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

To be fair, the OP didn't make it clear just how long they spent on recovering/reconciliation. He said a couple of therapy sessions, and that he felt like "she really regretted her actions," but no other information as to what was done and for how long.

Which brings up an interesting point: If the Betrayed Spouse can never get past it, and continually dwells on it, then maybe divorce is the answer. There has to be limit as to how long the cheating spouse is obligated to discuss it and continually answer questions.

It could be that in this case, they spent very little time on the recovery process. But that's unknown at this point.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> My wife cheated on me 3 years ago and I'm still completely destroyed. At the time, I decided to stay with her because we had young kids and I felt like she really regretted her actions.
> 
> We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.
> ...


Sadly my friend, because I knew I'd be exactly where you are right now, I chose not to reconcile with my wayward wife. So yes, been there, and I got out of it by ending R and moving on.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Also - I do have kids with her. That was my biggest reason to try and R - it's not a good reason. My kids are now happier and healthier than when we were together. It's hard for them no doubt, but they are happier now that they aren't living in the midst of an unhealthy, unhappy marriage. Kids are strong, and staying in a M strictly for them never works for anyone.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Cubby said:


> To be fair, the OP didn't make it clear just how long they spent on recovering/reconciliation. He said a couple of therapy sessions, and that he felt like "she really regretted her actions," but no other information as to what was done and for how long.
> 
> Which brings up an interesting point: If the Betrayed Spouse can never get past it, and continually dwells on it, then maybe divorce is the answer. There has to be limit as to how long the cheating spouse is obligated to discuss it and continually answer questions.
> 
> It could be that in this case, they spent very little time on the recovery process. But that's unknown at this point.


You sound like his wife, and you both are wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Recovery times for people vary, but IMO, if you are still this crushed after 3 years, I think its time to move on and Divorce. Sometimes R is simply not for everyone. Sounds like its not for you. You are doing your kids no favors staying if you are this bad emotionally.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

michzz said:


> That thinking gave her too much control over me!
> 
> Better to leave.


Yes, that’s sort of where I got to. I was so focused on her, (what she was thinking, doing, where, when, with whom, and the past unanswered questions), that I was in a constant state of reacting physically and emotionally to whatever I thought I saw or heard out of her. Sound familiar Nov?

What you need to do is find your own core again. Who are you? What do you like? What do you want out of life? And none of those answers should be dumped onto your spouse (or anyone else) to do for you. You need to pursue it all on your own. It sucks, it isn’t fair, etc. I remodeled myself after a young Racer before there was an “us”. How did he approach life? When you start finding yourself again, you can judge for yourself whether or not your wife has a place left in your life. Start living for you again instead of sitting around waiting for direction and when to react to her. 

That doesn’t mean you have to divorce. It doesn’t mean you should withdraw from the marriage. What it means is putting yourself, and your wants and needs, into play and going for it all on your own. She’ll follow or be left in your dust. And something else to consider; She fell in love with that old Nov who did his own thing.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> My wife cheated on me 3 years ago and I'm still completely destroyed. At the time, I decided to stay with her because we had young kids and I felt like she really regretted her actions.
> 
> We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.
> ...


Like some of the other posters, I went through the exact same thing as you.

Even after 2 years I was still not over the A, it ate at me from time to time until I became depressed and full of resentment EVERYDAY.

I pretty much just gave up after she withheld sex from me for almost a year afterwards and said if I had issues, I should buy a self-help book. Wtf?

Unless you two resolve this, the snooping wont stop, the anxiety wont stop, and the resentment will start to build, if it hasnt already. She needs to step up and become the healer.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please DNA test the baby.

Dad must pay child support for 3 kids that aren't his: Court rules | Canada : worldnews


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are not doing yourself, or your kids, any favors--if you continue on the way you are

You are putting yourself, into a terrible mental situation, and that helps NO ONE

Just maybe this mge needs to end---your wife is the trigger for all of this---the worse thing you can do, is stay in a horrible mge, and say you are doing it for the kids---they will be much better off, in somewhat happy split homes---than in a pressure filled, misery laden home and SHAM OF A MGE, THAT THE 2 OF YOU ARE CONDUCTING---SHE WON'T DISCUSS WHAT IS AKIN TO THE MURDER OF THE MGE, and you can't get past what she has done

You need to think long and hard about where you are going, and how you are affecting your kids, by the way you are conducting life, by staying in this mge

Remember---one thing---YOU ONLY GET ONE TRIP THRU LIFE ON THIS PLANET----make it a HAPPY one---if that means D, SO BE IT!!!!!!


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Unfortunately you are in for a forever struggle. It does not matter how long it's been, you don't trust her anymore, not like you used to. That's what it's all about, trust. Now you have to trust, but verify. I'm sorry, when I have to do that, it's not worth it. Because you will always look over her shoulder as to what she is doing. Some folks here have the stuff, to deal with it. But I know my limitations when it comes to this. My thinking is plain and simple, you want some other guy on you, kissing, groping, feeling and so on, then go do it. I just can't and won't, want to do that with ever again, no matter how many showers you take. My vivid imagination would get the better of me. I don't want to live that way. Plenty of hot, devoted, smart, funny, accepting, devoted babes out there, who will give you what you are willing to give. Good luck.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Unfortunately some BS's, no matter how much they WANT TO, can't recover from their partner having an affair.

I know I couldn't. It's why when my exwife cheated, it was over and I'd never go back. I knew myself well enough that no matter what it would always reside in me and slowly tear me apart (sound familiar). I couldn't live that way.

You might have to consider this as a real situation of who you are as a person.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> I think you may have misinterpreted what the earlier poster stated.
> 
> Sometimes there is no point to trying to get to the "ultimate" truth.
> 
> ...


There is also an unpleasant truth which is rarely discussed on TAM: that the WS needs to see an end game as well.

What do I mean?

I don't know this guy's story so we'll talk about 'Brad'. Brad's wife cheated on him. She took the steps to fix things. Maybe she didn't do a perfect job. Maybe Brad didn't communicate his needs effectively. Whatever!

Brad (please note: NOT the OP) four years later keeps verbally beating up on his wife, continues in depression, won't sleep with her etc etc.

Four years is a long time to continue to be the villain, having no moral standing in a relationship. She might have cheated, but that doesn't mean her every attitude or opinion is wrong, or that she doesn't have needs as well.

So with no hope in sight for a 'real' relationship, she (hopefully) leaves or (unfortunately) cheats again to feel good about herself without a messy divorce.

At a certain point, the WS needs to see hope for healing or they will walk away. Yes they did wrong, but that doesn't mean they will pay a price FOREVER, nor is it fair to expect them to.

So, OP, here is my advice:

1) communicate your needs effectively. If you need more questions answered, in as non confrontational a way possible, ask them. My wife asked short questions with long periods between them so it wasn't badgering, but she got her answers and I felt 'safe' to have these discussions.

2) understand the limits of your knowledge and also understand (to a point) her discomfort) Do you recall that incredibly embarrassing picture from gradeschool that you still blush in shame to think of? Imagine if someone waved that in your face EVERY DAY. This was a humiliating episode to her and frankly, she really WANTS to forget this...and probably has a good bit of it, just like you want to forget that picture/episode in your life. So you might not get every detail that you need and you need to get over that.

This is NOT to excuse her for blatant evasion of answering questions.

3) Fake it till you make it. You are going to have to pretend to trust her and relax around her. This technique actually works with even more important emotions like love. Occasionally, when you are deep in a blue funk or having trouble sleeping, it's okay to indicate to her you are having a trigger, but not by berating her. Just a data point for her to understand she didn't do anything wrong RECENTLY. It will also give her an idea of just how damaging her actions were to you.

I would also mention to her that if you loved her less, this would be EASIER to get over, not harder.

4) Discuss in a serious but not threatening manner transparency. That you need to feel secure in who she sees and talks to. She broke it, she fixes it. This does not excuse you to be a micromanaging a-hole. She is allowed to go out to lunch with her girlfriends. She is allowed to answer email. She is NOT allowed to hide emails, lie about where she is, or not give you passwords.

So, spot check DISCRETELY so as not to offend her and to keep your checks secret so she can't hide them. This is more for your peace of mind than anything else.

You are a valuable commodity. Don't diminish yourself. Get to the gym, work hard at work, and get on with life. There is a certain amount of 'getting over it' you need to do to heal the relationship.

Sounds like you need to talk out your fears and misgivings a bit more, if not marital counseling, individual counseling.

AND...if this seems totally emotionally outside of your ability, get a divorce. Why make two people horribly unhappy?


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> I'm a smart, somewhat good looking and highly successful guy in his mid-30s and I had given everything I had to our life together. We have been through a lot since the affair came to light. We have even had another baby, which she insists proves that she is commited to us.
> 
> Since then, I never been the same. I'm completely obsessed with her every action, what she does online (which is how she communicated with the other man...), who are the men at her work, etc.


Not everyone is built to R. Consider what your life would be like if you chose to move on without her. It might be the best thing for you and your kids in the long run. Don't waste more of your life trying to be ok with something you will never be ok with - especially if your wife isn't willing to do her part.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Although I do agree the wayward spouse needs to do what it takes to make it up to you but I gotta ask...after 3 years, why are there still questions?? Are you asking the same questions over and over? Are you beating a dead horse??

If so, then sounds like you are NOT going to get over this betrayal, and frankly I dont blame you one bit...but maybe its time to re-evaluate just WHY you are still with her


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JCD said:


> At a certain point, the WS needs to see hope for healing or they will walk away. Yes they did wrong, but that doesn't mean they will pay a price FOREVER, nor is it fair to expect them to.


:iagree:

Your entire post was great. The BS has needs in the R process, which I think in this case were not met. R was false and failed. If the OP cannot find peace it will not be a good marriage. WW has to meet his requirements in order for R to succeed.

Whether or not the OP is making reasonable demands on her, at some point his WW can decide she cannot meet the requirements he is putting on her, and she can choose to leave.

The BS always has the right even in a healthy R process to decide to leave. WW can do everything right in the R, yet BS cannot be happy in the new marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Nov18, get and read the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Have your wife read it. It clearly explains to her why you need questions answered. It also gives you some insight into her thoughts and emotions.

There are other similar books which are recommended on this forum, but I have not read those others.

If your wife is willing to work to save the marriage she will answer all your questions. It could be that you end up not able to stay with her despite her making every possible effort.

Whatever you choose is ok. It is ok to leave her even if she moves mountains to save the marriage. It is also ok to leave the marriage if she is not willing to do what you need from her, whether or not your needs seem reasonable to anyone else. You get to define what is necessary to stay in this marriage.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Has any body been in my situation and how did you get out of it?


yes you get out of it by getting rid of her. Then go out and enjoy your life without having to look at the face of the woman that betrayed you so heinously. You deserve better and will never get it as long as you stay with her.

But its up to you, good luck my man.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

JCD, that was an outstanding post. (post#26) It was what I was trying to convey several posts earlier, but the way you illustrated the point was much more thorough and in my opinion, perfect.


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## Nov18/2010 (Dec 5, 2013)

Thanks for all the replys. I didnt expect that many so quickly but I guess it points to the fact that other people have been in my situation.

I'm aware that I should really be considering divorce and I guess without admitting it to myself, I am thinking about it. I just can't get past the idea that another man would be involved in raising my kids. Hell No!

I also don't have the self confidence right now to think I could meet someone else. I need to build myself back up and then make a desicion to stay or go.

I do beleive that I still love my wife. There are moments when I feel like a real loving family and those are great. We have great moments when it's just the 2 of us that I walk away feeling encouraged by. The problem is that the good feelings don't last or I guess I hit a trigger cause I always go back to my "fog".

Has anybody out there survived what I'm going through and come out stronger as a man within a stronger marriage?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I think JCD's post was on the money.

There comes a time when as a BS you realize that you can't treat your WS with respect. It becomes appearent that the fair thing to do is allow her/him a fresh start with someone that will treat them better. It allows them a chance to make a change/repent of their past. Not a religious thing necessarily, but repent in a way that they can move past their history.

The pain is not fair, because as a BS, you didn't cheat. I also understand that there is pain for a WS too. Not the same flavor, but it exists.

Maybe the pain for the BS and WS is best remedied by a fresh start in a new relationship. Divorce is often less painful, IMO, than a long and often difficult R.

I feel that was the case for me. It became easier to let the pain go by going through the D, and starting over with a new person. A second start in life often results in doing things better than you did the first time.

It sounds like that may be the case for our OP as well.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Has anybody out there survived what I'm going through and come out stronger as a man within a stronger marriage?


Me.

It takes time. It takes resolve to be better.

I feel blessed to be in a second marriage after 23 years in the first marriage. I LOVE being married and having kids, yada, yada.

Good women can be found. Perfect women? No. It is a growing experience. It is a change of venue like no other.

I understand your kid issue. It is difficult. You might find a hostile or apathetic marriage is worse than step parents for your children. Just a different way of looking at it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Nov18, have you had any counseling yourself? Individual counseling can help you put your thoughts and feelings in perspective. Your work probably provides free confidential counseling via EAP (employee assistance program) which is designed for exactly your kind of situation. Talking with a non-partisan person who has seen lots of these situations is a good way to get a "sanity check" on what you're going through. I mean that you are indeed sane, but you have all these doubts and worries in your mind which are keeping you from being able to move forward one way or another. When someone you trust in real life tells you that you are ok and you are normal and you are reasonable in your feelings it will do a lot to help you move forward.

Obviously the process you've employed the last 3 years has not led to a resolution for either you or your wife. It is time to try something new.


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## Nov18/2010 (Dec 5, 2013)

I really appreciate all the replys but someone has to tell me what all these acronyms are:

D = divorce
OP = ?
R= Reconcilliation
BS = ?
WS = ?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OP - Original post(er)
BS - betrayed spouse
WS - wayward spouse


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Nov18/2010 said:


> I really appreciate all the replys but someone has to tell me what all these acronyms are:
> 
> D = divorce
> OP = ?
> ...


OP = That's you. The opening post, or opening poster of a thread. (or original)
BS = Betrayed spouse
WS = Wayward spouse


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Maybe I read your question wrong. It sounds like you are talking about a stronger man through R. Can't help you there.

Others have done it.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Thor said:


> Nov18, have you had any counseling yourself? Individual counseling can help you put your thoughts and feelings in perspective. Your work probably provides free confidential counseling via EAP (employee assistance program) which is designed for exactly your kind of situation. Talking with a non-partisan person who has seen lots of these situations is a good way to get a "sanity check" on what you're going through. I mean that you are indeed sane, but you have all these doubts and worries in your mind which are keeping you from being able to move forward one way or another. When someone you trust in real life tells you that you are ok and you are normal and you are reasonable in your feelings it will do a lot to help you move forward.
> 
> Obviously the process you've employed the last 3 years has not led to a resolution for either you or your wife. It is time to try something new.


Exactly,

I wish I would have done IC when I was going through this as friends and family are biased about the relationship.

Its very difficult to fix yourself and worth checking out so that you can move on and either R with your WW or not carry this baggage into the next relationship.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Maybe I read your question wrong. It sounds like you are talking about a stronger man through R. Can't help you there.
> 
> Others have done it.


There have been a couple that made it through R and are still together. Some say the marriage is stronger and with this they are referring to addressing the issues that may have brought the infidelity to the marriage, but to say they are better as in the BS is healthier, and in a better place mentally than prior to learning of the affair.. That does not happen. 
You will never forget what the OM took from you, what your W gave to him.
You will never "get over" what has happened. Time will act much like death does. The pain goes from unbelievable, to somewhat normal again. Then there are the triggers and the mind movies, the questions of what she did for him, was he better, etc... IMO and the overwhelming opinion of those on TAM. It is up to you, but truthfully you are better off in the long run, to let them go and strengthen yourself. You will feel better mentally faster and you can always be her friend again someday while you are dating hotter woman. This is a foreign thought, but a new more beautiful replacement is usually the best way to go. D your wife, be true to your family, but D her and move on strong, only talk to her as needed until you are better and stronger so she can not sucker you back in to her world. Unfortunately this is the only way to guarantee YOU will be okay. Staying with her is a huge risk.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I would add this:

There is a meme that a BS can go out and immediately score a hotter, younger and more faithful woman easily.

This is not the case...or let me amend that. You need to make the choice to divorce assuming that this will not be the case. Assume that you will be alone.

This does two things

One, it makes you MUCH MORE THOUGHTFUL about ejecting from a flawed but repairable relationship. Yes, you haven't moved yet. Is it her or is it you? Don't answer that, but be honest. If it IS you, can you change or not? If it is her, WILL she change?

Divorce is not for the faint of heart.

Two: if/when that second shot at love does find you, it will be a pleasant surprise, and by not taking it for granted, you are more motivated to make the internal changes to be EVEN BETTER for the next relationship.

If my post came across as very pro divorce, it wasn't. I was seeing if you both were working as hard as you could on reconciliation. Seems the answer so far is: no...perhaps on both sides.

See some counselors before you see a lawyer.


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## Nov18/2010 (Dec 5, 2013)

Yes I have been to counseling by myself. I know I'm not in a good spot and I want to get better. 

I have mixed feelings about it: On one hand, I feel weak that I need a professional to help me deal with my own desicions. On the other, it seem to help for a little while but I always fall back into the "fog".
I have decided that I will continue with therapy cause I think that I need it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Thor,

First, I never thought you'd like one of my posts.

Second, I would not say 'false and failed' since we don't know what she did or what he needs.

I would say 'inadequately' reconciled. If they divorce, it failed. And lacking any info on her having insincere motives, we can't say it's 'false'.

A minor point, but like the OP, we can't blindly assume the worst of a person...because they will eventually live down to your expectations in frustration if nothing else.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> There have been a couple that made it through R and are still together. Some say the marriage is stronger and with this they are referring to addressing the issues that may have brought the infidelity to the marriage, but to say they are better as in the BS is healthier, and in a better place mentally than prior to learning of the affair.. That does not happen.
> You will never forget what the OM took from you, what your W gave to him.
> You will never "get over" what has happened. Time will act much like death does. The pain goes from unbelievable, to somewhat normal again. Then there are the triggers and the mind movies, the questions of what she did for him, was he better, etc... IMO and the overwhelming opinion of those on TAM. It is up to you, but truthfully you are better off in the long run, to let them go and strengthen yourself. You will feel better mentally faster and you can always be her friend again someday while you are dating hotter woman. This is a foreign thought, but a new more beautiful replacement is usually the best way to go. D your wife, be true to your family, but D her and move on strong, only talk to her as needed until you are better and stronger so she can not sucker you back in to her world. Unfortunately this is the only way to guarantee YOU will be okay. Staying with her is a huge risk.


:iagree:

Nicely summarized.

I tried R for about 8 months. It is a tough. It morphs into a new emotional state we call limbo. You are on the fence and not sure wether to D or continue to R.

Limbo is a hellish place that grinds you to bits. That is why you ask questions about becoming stronger or better again.

Limbo is not good for you or her.

Limbo was ended when I moved out and declared that my marriage was over. Done. She actually filed, but I was done.

It is better, IMO, to admit it to yourself when it is done than to continue to fight for a R that is false.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Or as JCD said, "failed." I like that term better.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Yes I have been to counseling by myself. I know I'm not in a good spot and I want to get better.
> 
> I have mixed feelings about it: On one hand, I feel weak that I need a professional to help me deal with my own desicions. On the other, it seem to help for a little while but I always fall back into the "fog".
> I have decided that I will continue with therapy cause I think that I need it.


Do you feel you aren't 'manning up enough' if you are stuck getting a cast on a broken leg?

Talking sh*t out with friends and drinking used to be the therapy of choice in days gone by. But it was harder on the liver. And who has a lot of close friends these days?

So get the help you need without feeling badly. I can't build a deck and find no shame in hiring a professional. This is more important than a deck.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Nov18/2010 said:


> I'm aware that I should really be considering divorce and I guess without admitting it to myself, I am thinking about it. I just can't get past the idea that another man would be involved in raising my kids. Hell No!


Your kids are still fairly young now. This is a very strong urge when they are little. By having another one, this reset the clock back to zero.

But I will tell you in my experience when the youngest hits 7 this urge disappears. They've fully bonded to you and you won't be replaced. You're dad, and any other guy is just "some guy mom's with."



Nov18/2010 said:


> I also don't have the self confidence right now to think I could meet someone else. I need to build myself back up and then make a desicion to stay or go.


Once you get over 35, the rolls reverse like you wouldn't believe for a responsible guy. Lots of women around you are treating you 'off limits' because you're married. If you're a free agent, they will chase you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Once you get over 35, the rolls reverse like you wouldn't believe for a responsible guy. Lots of women around you are treating you 'off limits' because you're married. If you're a free agent, they will chase you.


Oh God Yes! Men look for new and young. Women look for new and established. Credible. Respectable. Reliable. 

Recall, it was Big who was the big heartthrob on 'Sex in the City', and he was no teenager. Think Sean Connery.

So yes, after 35 if you have a resume' which has a Long Term Relationship, kids, a good job history and little to no narcotics, you will seem a pretty good choice.

My prior words notwithstanding.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

JCD said:


> I would add this:
> 
> There is a meme that a BS can go out and immediately score a hotter, younger and more faithful woman easily.
> 
> ...


After posting what I did, I like JCD's point. Divorce definitely isn't for the faint of heart. 

HOWEVER - did your wife ever feel like you were seriously considering divorce? She may just think you're only going to kvetch endlessly about it without doing anything. She'll resent the complaining but not take it seriously if she doesn't think you're serious about doing anything.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Has anybody out there survived what I'm going through and come out stronger as a man within a stronger marriage?


Here is the way I look at it.

Even if your W does a 180 and never goes down this path again, will you ever be able to put what she did out of your mind and will you ever be able to not have triggers.

If the answer is "no" to either one or both, then, IMO, the marriage will not be stronger. I don't see a strong marriage where one spouse gets to relive the betrayal in their mind from time to time.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Are you talking to her about how you think about this everyday and can not get over the hurt?

She put so much time into the affair, into cheating, deceiving you, lying to you, and loving the OM.

How would she feel if you had the affair?

So if she does not want a divorce, she can put more effort into trying to help fix the mess she made. Has she used her energy to write you a timeline of the affair? Has she told you when the last contact occurred and that she has not taken the affair underground? 

Does she think that you are her backup plan? If she does, then it is time to divorce. If she can not put all that energy back into the marriage, it is time to divorce. 

She did wonderful things for the affair partner. I am sure she always used protection. (or you had her get tested for stds)

So it is time that she does something for you, that she would not do for the AP. Did she help you out the AP to their significant other?

It is time she talked about this for the next several years and show you that you are the number one, the only one in her life and always were the only one in her life.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> Are you talking to her about how you think about this everyday and can not get over the hurt?
> 
> She put so much time into the affair, into cheating, deceiving you, lying to you, and loving the OM.
> 
> ...


Well, we don't know how much effort she is putting into this.

We don't know if he has reasonable demands.

We don't know if a 'normal' man would have gotten over this.

We don't know how long the affair lasted or how quickly she jettisoned this fellow.

So it's hard to take her to task for what she didn't do if we don't know what she DID do.

From the sounds of it, she did her part. He seems stuck in a rut. But I am basing that on his descriptions.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

they say R can take upto 5 years. it varies from people to people, regardless it is not easy.

the WS needs to do the heavy lifting. it does not sound like OP wife is doing that.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

IMHO, you need to focus on yourself and put her aside(mentally) for a while. I was in a similar place as you when I found out about my wife's affair.

Then one day I realized; this woman wasn't my mother, she wasn't my sister, or cousin...she was some woman I met by random chance. I did not raise her; her parents did. I realized I was way over valuating her place in my life. 

So I began to set aside one hour a day to focus on me. After awhile I like me and kicked her to the curb.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Has any body been in my situation and how did you get out of it?


I was in your situation but by year 3 I was in better shape than you are. *What I did was to build my self up body, mind, and spirit. *I have a great extended family and with them and my faith I got a lot more self sufficient and much better.

*Find someone that has over 10 or 20 years with successful R and then be open to do what they did*. You wife stabbed you in the back but it is mostly up to you to help yourself. I am just repeating what you said


> I need to build myself back up and then make a decision to stay or go



If your wife will not discuss the adultery then stop thinking that you getting more detail is going to fix you. You already know the crux of the matter. Your wife betrayed you in one of the worst ways; the details will only result in you being like a moth drawn to the flame.

Your wife cheated 3 year ago! Now get busy and you depend mostly on you; *she does not have to give you your confidence back that is mostly your job*. From what I have read your wife has decided to be a wife and a mother for you and has not fallen back into the fog and degrading actions.
If you keep dwelling on how much she hurt you and expecting the relationship to be back like it was; which is not going to happen, then you are going to have another 3 years of stagnation in recovery.

*Accept the loss and gain in other areas!*


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

She hurt him, mortally, yet is not prepared to do any heavy lifting to repair him, sans the "damage management" first few several counseling sessions.

And you all wonder why he is fcuked up beyond repair?

"Just get over it!" I heard that myself more times than I can remember. 

If she truly loved him, and truly had remorse, and truly understood the damage she had wrought upon him, then she would console him, answer any question happily 24/7, be voluntarily transparent, until such time as the triggered episodes became fewer and fewer, and eventually, disappeared. Instead he gets "Just get over it already!" 

She feels not one molecule of his pain to even say that, which shows that she is not really invested in him, and the logical conclusion of that is that he doesn't really mean anything to her. 

OP should leave her, live happily ever after with a new woman (or even better, completely whole and happy on his own) and I truly hope she meets someone that treats her the same way that she treated him.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Nov18/2010 said:


> Hello.
> My wife cheated on me 3 years ago and I'm still completely destroyed. At the time, I decided to stay with her because we had young kids and I felt like she really regretted her actions.
> 
> We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.
> ...


I was exactly where you were, my friend. I know exactly what you're experiencing. 
I won't call having another child a mistake, but if the child was conceived to prove a point, 
it was a bad idea.

I felt the same way and had the same issues. I didn't start to feel remotely better until 
I kicked her out of the house and spent a year on my own. 

You need space and time.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Hey, sorry she's puttin ya thru it. Ex did this to me. I stayed 4 years waiting for him to talk/make it right/recommit. He used that time to plan his strategy: he ended up with the house, the kids, and me paying child support. I can't afford to live independently. I had depression from his affair, and he fully used that to manipulate me. Don't let it happen to you. Grab the bull by the horns and save yourself and your kids. She's not gonna give you what you need. She's gonna torch your life. Get out now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should be over it, just like someone who loses a limb limb should magically be over it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 
You are not alone. I am 2.5+ year out, and my life is far from settled. In fact, it's a mess still! The past 2 years have been hell, I feel shameful because it seems like I shouldn't be like this.

I attended a D&S group recently, and when I said d-day was in May of 2011, people said "omg!!!" I just wanted to run and hide. 

I couldn't even attend mc until just 3 weeks ago as I was still filled with anger, I too, have lost so much confidence, questioning everything I ever stood for. 

I live the thoughts of affairs 24/7. I still look at everyone in airports, grocery stores, home depot, & I count every 6 to see how many of us bs I am standing with! 

I question everything, 24-7 that my h does now, I live on high- alert, my life has been taken over by his affair. You're not alone. 

~sammy


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> ...Instead he gets "Just get over it already!"
> 
> She feels not one molecule of his pain to even say that, which shows that she is not really invested in him, and the logical conclusion of that is that he doesn't really mean anything to her.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Op,
> You are not alone. I am 2.5+ year out, and my life is far from settled. In fact, it's a mess still! The past 2 years have been hell, I feel shameful because it seems like I shouldn't be like this.
> 
> I attended a D&S group recently, and when I said d-day was in May of 2011, people said "omg!!!" I just wanted to run and hide.
> ...


Do you feel your life would improve if you divorced him?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote of The Cro Magnum
> 
> *She hurt him, mortally*, yet is not prepared to do any heavy lifting to repair him, sans the "damage management" first few several counseling sessions.
> 
> ...



She did not hurt him mortally nor is he Fuc’d up beyond repair. That fatalistic attitude will keep a person licking their wounds and hurting for the rest of their life. She did stab him in the back and he will be deeply hurt but it is not fatal or beyond repair. *Why do you give him no hope with your statements of?* 


> “She hurt him, mortally” and “he is fcuked up beyond repair?”





Then you state


> Instead he gets "Just get over it already!"


I assume you are referring to my post as I did not find that quote anywhere else. *Where is that quote from?* I did not say “Just get over it already” I said:




> What I did was to build my self up body, mind, and spirit.
> She does not have to give you your confidence back that is mostly your job
> Accept the loss and gain in other areas!


*My point is that he has to help himself rather than try and get an uncooperative wife to talk*. Do I think that she should do everything in her power t help him? Yes, but what I think she should do or what you think she should do is worthless


I am trying to get this man to look at what will help him the most. He can not depend on his wife to get him better with just taking. He cannot put his emotional health in her hands; she has already proven what she will do with his emotions. *He has to use what he has control over and that is HIMSELF!!!*

My advice to him will make him stronger no mater if he reconciles or divorces. Your advice gives him no hope!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nov18/2010 said:


> We went to a couple therapy sessions and she was initially willing to talk openly about the affair. If I asked a question, she would answer. But now she beleives it's in the past and sees no point in talking about it anymore. I however am not over it at all. To me, I still have a million questions and it's like it was yesterday.


At some point Dawg the autopsy needs to end and the body buried. If the shoe was on the other foot and you have provided all information you would perhaps say I'm tired of talking about it. In the final analysis you're the one who decided to stay in the marriage. Sound like a case of buyer's remorse.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Think about what you are being told here - that successful recovery if you stay with her will take YEARS. My question then to you (and to the entire board) is how any woman could be worth that much suffering.......working at it and working at it and plodding along and working at it some more and triggering when you are trying to f$ck her and therapy and anger and.............OMG! That's what you have ahead of you if you stay married to her! You can still be a father but you need to get rid of her as your wife. If you start that process I bet your confidence will start flowing back into you within a week......


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

OP,

The key is always communication. Tell you wife you are still hurt. Doing the rugsweep rarely works.

See an attorney that specializes in fathers rights. Get a consultation and bring home the paperwork. If they are good attorney's they can also refer you to an IC that deals with men. This will be different than your average IC.

Also show you wife the paperwork and tell her it is on the table. She broke it so she needs to help fix it. If not then move on.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You should be over it, just like someone who loses a limb limb should magically be over it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Matt Matt, honestly I thought better of you.

This is a cruddy analogy at best.

First off, THREE YEARS is not 'JUST getting over it'. 'Just' getting over it is six months. (And if she said that in the first six months, no, she had no sense of empathy whatsoever)

Three years is 'I got hit by a car three years ago and I still can't walk...no I am not doing ANY physical therapy but darn it, I'm not healing!' Well...DUH!

Now...I don't know what he has done to heal himself. It is, by all accounts arduous and painful. BUT...it takes some effort or some help. What he is doing isn't working. So...he needs to try something else.

We have a number of BS who HAVE healed. Still aching but healed. The OP should choose his advisor wisely from someone who HAS moved on and doesn't see infidelity as a 'mortal wound which can never be repaired'. That is defeatism.

Let's talk about empathy. Empathy, the feeling of someone else's emotions including pain, is not easy or natural. Kids whack their sisters with a stick because she makes funny noises. 

So, no, she doesn't 'feel' his pain. It's his. She has a sense that he is hurt, but it is not a personal experience. No one puts as much emphasis on their pain as the person themselves. Does this mean she might not be insensitive? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

I have no idea how quickly she 'wanted to get over it' but her motives can be a mixed bag of 

-Grow up

-You hurt me X way and you don't see ME holding a grudge

-OMG, If I start to probe into how he really feels, I'll feel like an even bigger POS. Let's not go there

-Forgetfulness will heal us faster, but he wants to keep wallowing in this and he isn't getting better by asking all these questions. (Perhaps an error...perhaps not. Denial works for some people)

-I am tired of being the '***** of Babylon' for the last three years even though I haven't even touched a man in that time.

-I have no idea what he needs and everything I say seems to make him angrier, so I'll shut up now.

Guess what? She might be feeling ALL of these things.

Which is why I say communication will help her empathize. Unless she is a monster (possible) in which case AFTER you know she is semi sociopathic, you can cut your ties much easier


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First off, we need to know more about your story. We need to know what you and your wife has done so far.

Generally, we do not invite both spouses here but if you are certain that the cheating has indeed stopped, I think you should bring her here.

Look in the reconciliation section for help with people that are doing what you are doing.

It doesn't sound like your counselors were all that good. It also doesn't sound like you gave them much of a chance.

You need to find a Marriage counselor that you both are confident in. YOU need to find an individual counselor that has been trained to deal with infidelity (many aren't) and most importantly, the counselor needs to have been trained in PTSD. You need trauma counseling in the worst way.

Bringing your wife here will let here see how other folks have handled this. Do not bring her here if she cant handle criticism though because some posters cant hold back their venom.

Get the two books linked to below in my signature. NOT JUST FRIENDS for you both. MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER is for you. (its not a sex manual lol)


Here is something that should help. print it off and read/study it with your wife. 

_Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! _


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## tribesman (Aug 17, 2013)

OP it's time to divorce her and move on son.


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