# not sure where things went wrong...



## mrs.p (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi all! I'm new to this site and forum but I'm in hopes I can get some advice and feedback from people that may be able to relate or have been through similar situations. So without writing a book I'll tell you a little history.. My husband and I had been dating on and off since I was 12. He has always been the love of my life. We got married 2 years ago and shortly after I started having anxiety issues. Everything began going downhill from there. The anxiety was followed by depression, etc. I suffered from it for quite some time and finally started taking lexapro and wellbutrin which my dr. prescribed a few months ago. While the medication has helped with the anxiety and depression I've lost any sex drive I ever had. Both the combination of the anxiety and depression changing my personality and who I am along with the loss of libido have taken a huge toll on my marraige. My husband thinks I'm not happy with him, he says I've changed, he can't figure out how I don't want to engage in physical activities etc. and I don't have an answer.. He feels like things aren't natural anymore and we have to try so hard to be happy.. I don't know know what to do, I love him and want more than anything to have the old "us" back before we got married. How do I find the me I used to know and get that physical connection back?


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi,

I really feel for you since I have been dealing with the same issues (anxiety and depression) for years. My lack of self esteem coupled with the anxiety and depression have driven my marriage to the brink as well. I have been unable to accept the fact that my wife has TRULY loved me for the past 23 years, and she is at the point where she does not think she can handle it any more.

I am going to give you the advice of what I have found helpful. The one thing to remember in this is that you will need to work on YOU before you can work on the relationship. I suspect that there are self esteem issues for you too. If that is the case, you will have to learn to love yourself first. There is a lot of good advice to google on this. Here is one I found particularly helpful:

How To Love Yourself In 17 Ways

About the depression, there are very effective alternatives (research shows them to be more effective than drugs when combined with counseling) in the form of cognitive therapy. It is going to sound kind of corny to you at first, but it has helped me tremendously. Basically, you change your negative thoughts by replacing them with positive and constructive thoughts. I work in a job where I cannot take antidepressants, so this is a good method for me. There are many good self-help cognitive therapy books out there. You might want to talk with your therapist (I assume you have one) about it. I have really been hesitant to take drugs for the reasons you have described. Maybe it can help you.

Cognitive therapy is also very effective for anxiety (it usually goes hand in hand with depression). I still have a huge problem with this since I am dealing with the specter of losing a woman I VERY DEEPLY love and do not want to lose. The only thing other than the cognitive techniques that I have found to help are exercise, meditation, and breathing. Try to exercise everyday if you can. It really helps! Learn how to meditate as well. It will help dissipate the anxiety. When you are feeling an anxiety attack coming on, try breathing deeply and slowly for a bit. It will slow down your heart rate and breathing, and the anxiety will lessen.

I really hope that you can find some relief. I have begun the hard work of learning to love myself (very hard work!). I have come to realize that I can't love her or accept her love if I don't love myself. It is hard putting our relationship on hold and trying not to worry if she stays or leaves, but I have no choice!

Take care, and good luck


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## lovebugfoosa (Sep 26, 2010)

Hey! I feel your issue! I cant seem to get things back on track in my four year relationship either, we spent four months apart bc he went to school overseas and we have both changed and miss the 'old' us. We have been working on talking about whats happened and happening and that seems to help, just keeping each other updated on whats happening. So if you and your hubby dont already discuss everything maybe try to let him in on what your feeling and going through, hopefully he can understand or at least try to and maybe it will help bring back whats missing.
I hope this helps! Let me know if you find any other good, helpful tips if you wouldn't mind


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You can work with your dr to find a medication that has less of an impact on libido, I did.

Funny that Wellbutrin killed your libido, its been known to increase it and I was on it for a short while and my libido was SO HIGH that I thought I was 16 again! I actually requested the dr take me off of it because I couldn't handle the constantly thinking about sex problem - it was awful (and I have a great sex drive already).

I'm on Prozac, and while every medication reacts differently, I am having no problems. When I first started, there was a slight decrease in libido, but once I got up to dose I've had no problems - with libido or orgasms - just a problem with a hubby that doesn't always cooperate - but that's been addressed on another forum.

Good luck - check into changing medications, the ones you are on may not be right for you.


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## Invisble (Oct 19, 2010)

I am going through the same problem right now, so I really understand what you are going through. I am so sorry to say that I haven’t found the answer yet. The reason I got in this website was to ask the same question you just did……


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Mrs P, I have some similar issues to what you are going through. I have anxiety and my husband has narcissistic traits coupled with ocd tendancies... talk about a difficult mix. Since any talk with him results in him rearing up on me and blaming me I decided to work on my anxiety. Like the first responder, meds are not always needed. Changing your response to things helps tremendously both for you and him (how he sees you). 

Once I realized I had panic attacks, I wanted to know the cause. They started right before we married and have continued since, so I blamed my spouse and thought if I mellowed him out I would be better. That doesnt work. Now, I am changing my response to triggers. I realize that my response was driving the escalation of our fights, and I used to rationalize "I tried to walk away 3 or 4 times but he would insult me and I had to respond"... that just escalates more. I now take a deep breath and walk away even if an insult is hurled at me. BUT, I walk away with a statement such as "I will not particiapte in yelling or insults (or whatever is going on), and Im walking away. I would like to continue talking about this. When we are cooled off, we can try again." I then go for a drive or something to remove myself, and I take Bach Flower Remedy called Rock Rose or Minumus to calm my nerves. 

This program called Back from the Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net has helped me tremendously and I just started it last week. Its supposedly for help in being in a relationship with a narcissist, but it also addresses the couterpart to that in the relationship, codependent. Whether or not a spouse is codependent doesnt really matter as the steps to take will benefit everyone in any marriage which has conflict... not necessarily just NPD/CDP combos. 

It has been a real eye opener for me and has already made both me and my husband feel safer. Just that one step I described has led to a transformation.

Its about getting to know yourself and your boundaries and respecting yourself enough to stick by them without losing emotional control... We women tend to write things off to hormones or frustration and women are just emotional creatures. I now think its an excuse for not maintaining emotional control. Managing our emotions in every situation is the answer. We think that keeping order in our household and delegating tasks is managing, but after reading this stuff I see that true managing is keeping our cool in every situation (whether its thinking that husband should do more to help out, initiate more sex, work less hours, not drink)... no amount or "talking about it" will help make it better. We then feel out of control bc we see ourselves as trying to help the marriage... but in that attempt we are really sabatoging it! Stop talking so much with our spouses on how to fix things and start managing ourselves.

I hope this is clear... I have so much happiness from this discovery, I may be having writing vomit... the biggest being my own anxiety was being fueled by my belief that I was doing everything I could to help the marriage and it wasnt working. I even escaped the marriage briefly to another man bc it was so overwhelming, I just saw no hope. I was telling myself "why do I have to be the one to do all the work, its not fair." That was my excuse for fearing that I contributed to the problems. The first time I tried to utilize this it backfired as I found it impossible to just walk away... but then removed myself (but we had already escalated). The second time (yesterday) was much easier, and had amazing results. My husband opened up to me! Translation: he saw me maintain my emotions and felt safe opening up. I wish I had known about this a long time ago, as my anxiety would not have gotten as severe (and a few times debilitating) as it did. I hope this helps, please ask questions for clarity of you want, bc I dont know how well I presented all this


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

mrs.p said:


> Hi all! I'm new to this site and forum but I'm in hopes I can get some advice and feedback from people that may be able to relate or have been through similar situations. So without writing a book I'll tell you a little history.. My husband and I had been dating on and off since I was 12. He has always been the love of my life. We got married 2 years ago and shortly after I started having anxiety issues. Everything began going downhill from there. The anxiety was followed by depression, etc. I suffered from it for quite some time and finally started taking lexapro and wellbutrin which my dr. prescribed a few months ago. While the medication has helped with the anxiety and depression I've lost any sex drive I ever had. Both the combination of the anxiety and depression changing my personality and who I am along with the loss of libido have taken a huge toll on my marraige. My husband thinks I'm not happy with him, he says I've changed, he can't figure out how I don't want to engage in physical activities etc. and I don't have an answer.. He feels like things aren't natural anymore and we have to try so hard to be happy.. I don't know know what to do, I love him and want more than anything to have the old "us" back before we got married. How do I find the me I used to know and get that physical connection back?


I've written about anti-depressants before and will repeat that dr.s hand out Rx's w/o really thinking about the individual, not considering the effects on libido, energy, weight, etc. I was given some samples some years back, not knowing what I was getting into. Turns out E 150 works for me, my libido is strong, my weight since I stopped working has decreased. Your mileage will vary, I've read that E and other anti-d's can turn a male into a gelding, effectively neuter women and add 20 or more pounds. These meds are scary!!!

Anti-d's are far more potent than popular culture realizes, please, please, please research your Rx before you fill it, certainly before you take it. If you can't make sense of what you google, very likely, talk to a psychiatrist or other medical professional who knows these drugs. I don't care if you have to hock your watch or your diamond ring, taking one of these w/o awareness can destroy your life. Make sure your spouse is informed, they will be the person who sees adverse effects before you do.

The worst anti-d's because they are hard to stop taking are IMO Effexor and Paxil, I take the former and expect to be on it for the rest of my life because of an underlying neurological disease. My wife took P, trying to stop it w/o medical supervision became a nightmare. Six months later it continues to impact our life in a very negative way.

I'm not a medical professional, but will say based on my w's experience that O******, a time release form of T*******, an older anti-d, has positive impacts on her libido, weight and energy. It also makes one sleepy, so don't take it until bed time. This drug has potentially serious side effects, I'm not recommending you take it.


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