# Stuck: can't move forward until I know the whole truth



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am really, really struggling. I am up because yet again, I can't sleep, it plays through my mind every night right now.

It hasn't been that long since D-Day, and I am finding it really hard to cope. H has been supportive on and off, to his credit he has been a lot more aware since we have started counseling, and I can see him reaching out.

The trouble is, he thinks I should be putting it behind me and moving on. It's only been a few weeks. I still feel angry, and mixed up inside. He says me obsessing over details is making me ill, and that he is worried about me, he thinks I should go to IC as well as our MC. He says I am looking for reasons that aren't there over why it happened, that he has told me a thousand times why he did what he did.

But that is the thing. After we talked yesterday, I can accept that yes, it wasn't to do with me. But that's the thing, I don't really know what it was that made him do it. She stroked his ego, I know that. But he still claims anything he did was under the guise of friendship. He thinks what they had was a friendship, that she wanted more from. He says any contact on his part was friendly. Yet he contradicts himself because he had feelings for her. He's not being honest with me, he fails to see how it is hurting me.

I am convinced there is more that he hasn't told me. I don't know how much or little there is that I don't know. He says he has told me everything, but I am 99% sure he hasn't. This is going to destroy me because we are at a stand-off and I don't know how to move on from it. I am not sure I can live feeling he han't been totally honest but I don't know whether I can accept that. How do people deal with the not knowing?

I believe we could move forward and mend the hurt if I felt I had all the information in front of me. But all the time I feel he is still keeping stuff from me, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. It is driving me insane and making me ill. Anything anyone can say will help at this point...


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

All I can advise is that you read through the many posts on this forum, print out some of those that apply so that your H can get a real understanding of your reactions, and perhaps buy some books that can help you and your H reach out to each other. It is hard, very hard, but you can come through. Remember, you have control on how you move forward.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You want full disclosure and you feel he hasn't done that. You started a thread about his short-lived efforts at R, and it seems like he still wants to rug sweep. How seriously does he want to R? He needs to be seriously 100% committed to R or else you are only delaying an inevitable D.

It seems by your post that *he is still not owning up to the EA*, that it was just friendship. Add this to his only half hearted attempts at R, and I would say this is not a good situation at all. 

RestlessinGeorgia had his WW polygraphed. If you can afford it, then it's an option you can pursue. Not too many of us ever get the full disclosure. Your gut is telling you he's not telling more, and your gut is usually true and you are getting the TT. 

You may have to do elements of the 180 that are applicable to your situation. He is not ready for the precious gift of R. If he was truly remorseful and ready for R, he would do practically ANYTHING to regain your love and trust. This doesn't seem to be the case because you are at a stand off. There should be no stand off if he was really serious about wanting R.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's admittedly a bit over the top, but over the first 3 weeks post DDay, I twice wrote down over 30 questions I still had, and wanted answers to. Some were re-confirming what I think she'd told me; some were about how she felt, some were about specific actions they had taken.

I gave them to my wife and gave her two days to write out answers. If she gave me an answer that wasn't clear, I asked her to go back and clarify.

The first set of questions led me to more questions, which is where the second set came from.

When I had these answers, I decided that was the truth I would live with until or unless I found otherwise. She knows that if I find otherwise, divorce proceedings start that day.

My advice is that because we will never *know* for sure, we have to do our best to get direct answers to direct questions, make it clear this is the one chance to get them right, accurate, and truthful, and then decide if we believe or do not believe.

If we do, we move forward.
If we do net, we address the "why" behind not feeling liek we have the truth. Not dealing with the facts, but the feeling fo deception, and be prepared to take actions about that.

Hard, hard stuff. Most people will tell you, the facts of the A are very hard to take -- but being lied to is even harder.

P.S. Be 100% sure you want to know the full details before you pose any question. Ask yourself if the worst of your imagination were true, do you really want to hear it? If you're certain, then ask. If you're not, then only ask what you want to know.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

walkingwounded said:


> The trouble is, he thinks I should be putting it behind me and moving on. It's only been a few weeks. I still feel angry, and mixed up inside. He says me obsessing over details is making me ill, and that he is worried about me, he thinks I should go to IC as well as our MC. He says I am looking for reasons that aren't there over why it happened, that he has told me a thousand times why he did what he did.


Cut yourself some slack, you take as much time as you need to grieve and to digest the awfulness of what has transpired.

Of course he wants you to move on, he doesn't want to deal with what he has done to you, to your marriage.

The thing is, that in these few weeks you have only begun the journey of discovering the truth (trust me, there is always far more to the story than told to this point), deciding what to do about it (get tested for STDs, counseling, stay or go), and just living life.

Your H has something regarding his cheating that you do not--the full story of what has happened. He also believes you do not need to have it.

Presume he had a physical affair. He would not pressure you like this otherwise.

His guilt is making him pressure you to just drop it and move on. This is selfish.

If I were you, and I have been in your shoes, I would approach your marriage counselor for advice on how to deal with this crushing emotional distress AND your H's pressuring you to get over it.

One of the sad outcomes of a cheater's infidelity is that the one person a spouse would go to for support and advice in a crisis has no credibility in advising in this worst of situations since they brought it on and created it.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OMG !!!!! Walkingwounded do you live in my house? My life is parallel to yours. I could nearly get thru your post as it affected me so much I was shaking. 

I am getting so so attempt in R w my husband too. I'm told over and over again it wasn't me. Even when I try to say that can't be the case, it's again, "You did nothing, it was all me." Now, it has become "I will do anything you want as long as we can just move on and just stop talking about it"... he just want to end the whole situation. And,because I am not anywhere near being able to say I forgive you, he is starting to become p**ssed off saying things such, "Do I want to live my life with a wife who will look at me and see an affair? Do I want to live with a wife that I have to earn her trust back? What kind of life would it be having a wife always looking at you as an unfaithful husband.I want a wife who is 100% in this relationship, mentally, physically, sexual, loving, kind, carrying,committed,... I deserve it" Hello????? He had that wife before he had the affair!!!!!What did he think I was going to do? Roll over and play dead? He cheated on me !!!

I asked him if he thought he was a changed person since the affair. Does he see himself differently now ? His reply, "No" 
OMG!!!! How could he not????? 

Those of you who know, my husband is an airline pilot, so there is a lot of time away. We always txted...Always stayed connected. Now he wont answer many of my txt questions with anything but, "Im working! I cant do this, I need a break from all of this, we'll go over later" He is international, so its not like I can always visualize his time, but at least before, our txts were much more loving, so this just adds soooo much more anxiety. 

We aren't being nice to each other, there is zero connection yet... this is so miserable ! We are just very polite, saying such things as please and thank you, and going through the motions... How do you start,when do you know what in the world to do ???? My stomach is in knots... when does it start to feel better?

sammy


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi again, 
I just received a txt from H saying, our past 28 years were wonderful years for him. Writes he has loved me and our life, feels he has a rough go of it, his mistress was a friend, they crossed the line ( for 8 months mind you ) and it just happened. Never premeditates or searching. Was a very difficult situation for him, he never thought anything was lacking in me . Oh, Ok, now, am I just supposed to say, "I understand dear."


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks for your advise. I just read 180, and am trying to follow its suggestions as well. 

This makes no sense to me, not only does the BS have to suffer the agony of an affair, we have to suffer the agony of trying to learn to say " I forgive you !" 

I


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

WalkingWounded, I *completely* understand where you are. My H confessed to an affair with a close female friend of his to the H of one of my friends, and now says the confession was a lie. But all of his behavior matches up with an affair, and he's been lying about so many other things, I have no idea what to believe, and it's crippling. I don't know whether to pursue R or D, because of the uncertainty. But, like you, I have to wonder if I will ever know. If my H sticks to his "it was a lie" story without offering any proof (as he has done so far), I'm in the same boat as you - I have to decide whether I can live with the not-knowing.

I do agree with everyone else that you have to sure you want to know what you think you want to know. Personally, I try to imagine having H tell me the worst thing I can imagine (in my case, this would be that he's been seeing/sleeping with this friend on the side for our whole 6 1/2 year relationship and the marriage was a lie, etc etc), and then I try to imagine what my response would be. It's usually violence and lots of swearing and it makes me really angry just to imagine it. But I think it's helpful to practice, and I try it with other scenarios, too, so hopefully when I get the truth (which I, for one, *do* want), I'll be somewhat prepared to act rationally. And maybe the truth is something way nicer than what I'm imagining (I doubt it, but a girl can dream).

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. The not-knowing is the worst.


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I only wanted to know the following: Is there an OW? 
Did H tell her the truth about being married, having kids and what we had been through in relation to my health *brain tumor, surgery, and recovery)? 
H says he did tell her. I told him I thought she was the 'lowest form of life ever, just above him. If she was told all the details and chose to continue in this with him then she was simply a skank. I have not asked anything else regarding OW. Our son told H if OW accompanied him to son's wedding in October then H could just stay away.
I suppose it's my way of not acknowledging OW's existence and therefore not giving her any power.


----------



## Leyzel (Jun 8, 2011)

I had to go through the same exact thing 3 months after we got married. I was obsessing about it to the point that it changes who I am. I became a very negative person, I resent my husband, all I can think about is connecting the pieces together to find the answers that I needed. Then I realized I had 2 choice, whether to dwell and find answers and loose my marriage in the process or just work on my marriage by letting go. I mean if your husband is putting so much effort into helping you in this process, whatever it was that he did, he must've decided he wants you. And I think that can be a good start of the whole recovery process. I know I can easily say all this but I too is finding it very hard to do. There are days when I wonder what had happened and was wondering if its still happening. But at the end of the day he's willing to work through it and if you are too, the future will definitely be better. So best of luck for us both..


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have digested the replies and PMs I have had over and over. I was at a point where I was considering calling the OW but was talked out of it by a good friend.

I decided to approach my H and explain how I feel. That this is an impossible situation for me and I cannot continue like this. I couldn't find the words so I wrote it down and gave it to my H in a letter the other evening.

He read it. Came back to me, said if I wanted him to writestuff down he'd needa bit of time. Fine with me. He went to bed,I followed shortly after with my mind racing. He obviously has stuff to say, was it the worst, had things actually been physical? I felt sick.

I got into bed and told him I was thinking the worst, he asked what, I said were things sexual? He said no, no, there was never anything like that happened. So I'm awaiting this letter...


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Feeling your pain, anxious for you... knowing how hard the "interim waiting period" is on you, but I can assure you that no matter what the letter says, you will have removed the burden of unanswered questions floating through your mind 24 x 7.

However, you should prepare yourself for the follow-on line of thought: "Do I believe what he has written?" Only you will know what you feel at that point. But I feel strongly about that lingering thought is 100 times 'better' than unanswered questions. It's a step forward either way. Good luck.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks. I wanted to ask him last night had he written anything but I didn't want to push him. We were doing an "assignment" we had from counseling and he was very positive about it so I let that be.

I am inclined to believe him saying it wasn't physical. For various reasons pertaining to the work he does, his working day etc, I know it would have been next to impossible for that to have happened. I know not impossible though.

I guess my other worry is that he was more invested in her than I know about. That he had more feelings for her than he's let on.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I shared with you I gave her two "sets" of questions.

My first set was more about what happened, physically, logistically, and tactically... my 2nd set were all about her thoughts, emotions (for him and for me) during this time, and what she actually said + her emotions now looking back on it.

I'd encourage you to ask specific questions if you want to know... (ie, Did you kiss her? Touch her sexually in any way? etc.... vs. "Was it physical?")


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I shared with you I gave her two "sets" of questions.
> 
> My first set was more about what happened, physically, logistically, and tactically... my 2nd set were all about her thoughts, emotions (for him and for me) during this time, and what she actually said + her emotions now looking back on it.
> 
> I'd encourage you to ask specific questions if you want to know... (ie, Did you kiss her? Touch her sexually in any way? etc.... vs. "Was it physical?")


Update...

We had MC yesterday. My H brought up the letter, and we spent the entire time focusing on issues from that.

I learnt some things from that! Very eye-opening. His choice of wording to describe how he acted towards her: "friendly"; it pans out that what he actually means is yes, he did find her attractive, but "friendly" describes that although he fed off the attention and loved the boost it gave to his ego, that his intention was never to take it any further than that, and it never went any further. 

I realised my real bugbear was this "friendliness", what I saw as a kinda denial of his feelings towards her. I pointed out that his behavior in itself was a sign of his feelings and his implicit acknowledgement to himself that was he was doing was crossing the line: that is, the secretive texting, spending time together, phone calls, this was all done behind my back: if it was as innocent as he kept trying to profess then it would all have been done in the open, chatted about like he chatted about other things to do with his work day.

As well as the physical attraction, he says he was drawn to her because they had a lot in common. We didn't get time to elaborate on what, but this is something that bothers me, because me and H are very opposite. I will ask him about it.

H said I had been more articulate and open about my worries and fears in that MC than I had since I found out about it. I feel it was very productive,and I feel that he was very honest about looking inside himself and addressing some home truths. The counselor said what I needed overall was validation that my understanding of his feelings was true, and explained his behavior was risky at the very least; his indulgence in feeding his ego had led to a series of events that made the whole thing more than it could have been.


----------

