# "I don't want to talk about it"



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I've been married to my wife for 17 years. For at least the past 8-9, if we have sex every 3 months, I count myself lucky. Nope...I am not a happy camper. But try as I may, I can't get a meaningful conversation on the problem going. Nor can I make her see how serious the issue is to me.

She just seems to have no interest in sex. Actually the only times she did show interest is when she wanted to conceive, and then she would basically say "brace yourself, this week is going to be busy", like it was a real chore. (there's a real morale booster)

She grew up in a household where you just don't talk about that type of thing.

I have tried on many occasions, and in many different ways, to bring the subject up. But I can't get past "I don't want to talk about it", end of discussion, she leaves the room.

Which leaves me guessing. Am I just a bad lover? No attraction? Her own body image? Simply low libido? Puritanical inhibitions? Grrrr....

How can I get someone who is completely uncomfortable with the subject to open up some? To discuss it in a calm, mature manner?

Sometimes I just feel like screaming, "You're a grown woman! We've had sex! Let's talk for crying out loud!"

I'm at the point where if it weren't for the kids, I think I could risk an ultimatum approach. We have 4 kids (ages 12 to 3), so I can't bring myself to threaten to leave over it. Which leaves me feeling like I have no control or leverage in the situation. Or any situation where we are concerned (it's the "If I don't like it, what am I going to do?" vibe). Which is a whole nother can of worms. *sigh*

Thanks for any insight.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i dont think the leopard wil change its spots, as much as you would like change and communication.
What your wife is, is how she is.
surely you would see that after 17 yrs. the same cycles spin on this relationship, but there no different to other relationships on their cycle spins and those issues that are in that marriage.

my guess here -
but the feelings you have inside are actually you. you wife just represses those feelings you have of yourself, because of who she is.
so you are actually attractive, your not a bad lover. 
your actually very passionate and just want someone to communicate with for love and passion and sex and have something in common with someone.
so bascially im saying you and your wife are just incompatible.
but you either accept her as you have known her for the past 17 yrs or move.
harsh as it sounds. but you enjoy sex and you want more. 
sex every 3 months. well its not for me.
there is someone out there thats wants me for the person i am.
with my H , he psycholgically pulls me back through his negativity all the time.
its hard work and there are other issues in our marriage, but thats why ive asked for a separation.
the marriage isnt going n e where. weve had 14 yrs and were done.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut



DownButNotOut said:


> I'm at the point where if it weren't for the kids, I think I could risk an ultimatum approach. We have 4 kids (ages 12 to 3), so I can't bring myself to threaten to leave over it. Which leaves me feeling like I have no control or leverage in the situation. Or any situation where we are concerned (it's the "If I don't like it, what am I going to do?" vibe). Which is a whole nother can of worms. *sigh*


I think there are two things going on here. One is that she is sexually repressed. The other is that she may have built up resentment over things that you have or have not done.

For instance, you come across as lacking firmness and backbone, which women find a huge turn-off over time. They like it at first becuase they constantly get their own way, but long term it turns them off.

I can comment more if you like.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> DownButNotOut
> 
> 
> For instance, you come across as lacking firmness and backbone, which women find a huge turn-off over time. They like it at first becuase they constantly get their own way, but long term it turns them off.



:iagree:


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

Where does reality therapy come in.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, I'm sure that you are right Mark. Right now, with her, I am a complete push-over. But how can I address problems if she won't talk? I'm not a mind reader.

But you are right. I don't stand up to her on anything. At least not anymore. And now, I'm tired of even trying. It seems that standing up means a to-the-death battle of wills no matter the issue. 

But the sex issue has been there since the beginning. At first I chalked it up to her being shy, and figured that once we were together, she would become more comfortable opening up to me. It never happened.

So now, yes...I'm lonely, I'm frustrated, resentful, angry, and most of all tired.

But the kids are the ultimate leverage.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

How about some sexual games, like being the strong dominate male. There is some wild games played in public, get a few drinks in her to lower the defensive walls.

Have you tried any of these.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Just a quick branch out question: do men like women who are pushovers?

DownButNotOut: Have you and your wife considered couples counselling? If you are unhappy it effects everyone around you, including the kids - kids are alot more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for being. Is your wife happy with the way things are or does she recognize that there are issues?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks. I know I am coming off a little whiny here. (ok, probably a lot whiny  )

sex games: no talking about sex makes it hard to do that.
drinks: she doesn't drink.

I could consider counseling. I haven't tried to suggest it to her. I have the impression that she is happy with the way things are. Other than my general mood that is. In other words, if things could stay this way, but I acted happy with it, I think she would be just fine with the situation.

I also know that I have withdrawn excessively. Mostly due to loneliness, and resentment. Times I've tried to change things...scheduling date nights, movie nights, making sure there are no chores left to do, whatever, tend to be met with an attitude that I am inconveniencing her somehow. So I gave up.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> I have the impression that she is happy with the way things are. Other than my general mood that is. In other words, if things could stay this way, but I acted happy with it, I think she would be just fine with the situation.


Well that says everything about you and everything about her. She has no interest in your happiness, and you have allowed her to gradually get to this position by being a pushover.

A few years ago, you could have dealt with this by simply being firmer. Not giving in to every single thing she wanted etc. By now it is going to be harder.

You did not really address the other half of what I said. Do you feel she may have had resentment building up about certain things over the past few years?


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

I'd recommend a book called "men are from mars and women are from Venus".. then once you complete that mission discover "mars and venus in the bedroom"

It took a month or more for me to get my wife to open up a bit and things have come around a bit..

another note.. my wife was taking a certain anti-depressant for post partum depression.. SHE had the presence of mind to read the side effects after 3 weks of us arguing about the sex issue..

one of the side effects was "decreased interest in sex" WTF???

Her libido was already dubdued and this killed it.. she immediately called the doc and things have come around a bit..we are more active sexually, not as much as i'd like, but some is better than none and fighting.

i hope this helps
mike


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm sure there is enough resentment to go around. Specific to the past few years? I'm not sure I could objectively say.

Of course, since I have a hard time getting her to talk openly, I am left with guessing what it is. I've tried changing quite a bit over the last few years, with little success.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> I'm sure there is enough resentment to go around. Specific to the past few years? I'm not sure I could objectively say.


I'm sorry but this is a vital question. Read this and see if you can see yourself in any of the types. It's a long read, but if you want sex again, you will humour me right? Sexless Marriage?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> For instance, you come across as lacking firmness and backbone, which women find a huge turn-off over time. They like it at first becuase they constantly get their own way, but long term it turns them off.


:iagree::iagree: Sooooooo true! (coming from a woman)



> But you are right. I don't stand up to her on anything. At least not anymore. And now, I'm tired of even trying. It seems that standing up means a to-the-death battle of wills no matter the issue.


Fight the fight, man - if that's what it takes. You don't have to be mean, but you have to be firm and stand your ground. She will start to see you differently. Of course, first she'll just up her game and go a little nuts on you. But, you hang in there and stop being a push-over. It'll turn her on.

Of course, it does sound like she's prudish and of low libido regardless. That may be something she just needs to get some help with.

I wouldn't discount the "bad lover" theory either (probably combined with a low libido, prudish woman) - but, if she doesn't say anything, there's no way for you to really know. And, it woudln't be easy to be a good lover with a woman that can't let loose a little. How's the sex when it does happen?

You need to take a firm stance in expressing your unhappiness with the situation. Go to the library and get some books (the Mars/Venus ones are great) and ask that she read them with you. Also, find a counselor and ask that she come with you. And make it clear that you need this from her.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Mark, I've read your article, and yes...there are some things that I need to work on. I'm not a handy-man, and tend to procrastinate but do follow through on my own schedule, and before the job is needed to be finished. I do like to make people happy, often to a fault. Although, in the boardroom, I'll stand my ground to the bitter end on things I think are important to a project.

Sexual performance? I don't know. Sex every 3 months or so adds a lot of performance pressure. I mean, I can't get the idea of "if she likes it, she'll want more" out of my head. So I do try to be attentive to what I *think* she wants. But it is hard to tell sometimes. If I do have control issues, and it has happened on occasion, I'm more than willing to finish in other ways, but she doesn't seem to want that, won't let me go down, and has said she isn't comfortable with masturbation, even when I do it. (As far as I know, she doesn't. At least in the past, she's acted repulsed by the concept). The last time we had sex, late March?, she seemed to enjoy it, at least she had/faked 3 orgasms. But from my end, it did feel like she was just going through the motions, running down her mental checklist.

I've skimmed the Mars/Venus books at the bookstore in the past. Maybe now is a time to look at them deeper. Although the last time I tried this, I got "the look", and a change of subject each time I would mention the book.


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