# Some Advise from hurt spouses please



## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

I am the betrayer, I had an affair, about 5 months ago, my husband found out a month after and we have been trying to work on things. I have been completely honest and open and cut off contact with the OM about a week after the affair and have not spoken to him since. I lied alot during the month after and tried desperately to cover my trail. Now (understandably) my husband still thinks I am lying about a few things, how often it happened, a book that wasnt on a shelf, and where I was one night. I have told him over and over my answers and they do not change because they are the truth but he doesnt believe me and often gets verbally abusive calling me names and screaming at me. He has even resorted to telling me he talked to the OM and the story he tells is different, I then tell him I dont know why he would lie about it and eventually he tells me that he didnt speak to him. I have volunteered for a polygraph but he still doesnt believe me, how can I help him believe me? What can I do to help him?? Thanks in Advance.


----------



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

It sounds like your doing the right things. He will ask the same q's over and over for reassurance. The verbal abuse is not ok. Have you tried MC ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

things to do if you havent already

1) write a no contact letter to the OM, if Om ever contacts you you ignore and tell him of it right away
2) allow him access to everything and be completely transparent- all passwords, emails, social sites, phone, etc. Also inform him of your whereabouts all the time and if you ever get stuck in traffic, etc
3) take 100% of the blame for the affair, never blame your choice on premarital problems, always offer to help him heal and always tell the truth about the affair and ask what you can do to help him


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

All you can really do is just keep answering his questions openly, honestly, and willingly. As he sees that the answers don't change he will hopefully less and less feel the need to ask. He's got to work through it in his own time, you don't really get to vote or try to speed him up. 

Did you write a no contact letter that he can verify? Have there been any attempts at contact by the OM that you have or haven't told him about?

Be patient with him, never ever be resentful or defensive about answering his questions or letting him vent - it's part of it. FWIW - I was the cheater also.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Actions are the only thing that will matter. You can say wahtever you want but he won't believe you because you have destroyed his trust in you. 

So you must show your committment to him via your actions. That means staying no contact, willing to do any/everything he asks of you with regards to reconciliation, being where you say you will be, being transparent (showing your phone/email/call log) and expressing how sorry you are and WHY you are sorry. Empathize with him. You just flpped his entire world upside down. He is dealing with a major trauma right now. Be pro-active and ask what you can DO to help him through this.

Actions, actions, actions.


----------



## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

I have no problem with no contact, It was honestly a one time thing, I have absolutely no emotional or need or want to contact the OM at all. I dont know his phone number any more and he tried to contact me one time (2 weeks post affair) and I ignored it completely. I have been trying to tell him how sorry I am and answer the same questions over and over (sometimes I get frusterated and defensive but appologize immediately for it and try and be very patient because I know he is hurting) he has passwords to everything always has and is allowed to look at anything he wants to. I havent written the NC letter however I would have no way of getting it to the OM at this point, we never had eachothers emails, he is no longer a friend on FB and I dont know his address so I think that if I had to contact him to get this information to send the letter would be a bit of over kill?? My Hubby isnt worried about me contact him and knows I havent its the what happened during that is still eating at him. It was a 3 week period that this all happened and he has so many questions from the period and I keep giving him the same answers its the abusiveness I cant handle really. I answer the questions and he calls me a liar. There are a few issues I feel I need to get counseling for (I was raped and in an extremely abusive relationship in the past and I think it was a factor in what happened and the poor decisions I made) and those kind of questions (Why ect) I dont have all the answers for and he just wants me to answer now. We are moving to NC in 2 weeks and are waiting to go to MC until then because at this point the move is so close we dont feel that MC here will help, you all have been very helpful through this, especially for me and understanding a little better what he is going through, thank you!


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

As the BS one of the most important things to me was that she just answer my questions 100% truthfully, without holding back and being WILLING to answer the questions without getting defensive or upset.

My wife initially kept back some details about her PA and when I slowly found out more, it made me not trust that I heard the whole story. It made the process drag farther on and I probably still expect some more details to trickle out. Just be honest and upfront and always give the WORST-CASE scenario to your husband when you answer his questions. It's much better for your husband to hear something horrible from you and find out after further questioning that it wasn't as bad as you made it seem, then the other way around. If you tell him you just kissed, and that turns into making out, which later turns into him touching you, you're going to short-circuit the whole process.

Also, another thing my wife did was stopped being as open about answering questions as the weeks went on. She would sound annoyed sometimes if I brought it up. That really made it harder to heal. When I was asking questions I just wanted her to be calm and not defensive, even though I knew it was hard on her. Try to be as calm and reassuring as you can. Don't get defensive about the questions even if they are the same ones repeated over and over. Just reassure.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Things my hubby did/does that help:
- write an apology letter. You can make it as long or as short as you like. I keep mine with me so I can read it if I am feeling bad about things or get triggered
- apologize verbally over and over and over times a million.
- tell him your passwords for everything, including bank accounts, paypal, emails, facebook, cell phone, everything. 
- buy him a new wedding ring/say new vows. I didn't get a new ring because I love the one I have, but your old marriage is over - you need to let him know you want to start a new one with him
- answer every question, even if it's been asked a hundred times already
- set up MC, and IC for yourself
- research and discuss books to help you both, buy them for him and for both of you to work on together


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

5 months = no time at all.

This is normal...hang in there. He shouldn't be verbally abusing you...he's angry and processing a thousand emotions. 

All the above advice is solid...just remember there is no quick fix. These things take years...not months.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. And he's only 5 months out. The thing is you Trickle Truthed him by not giving him full disclosure. So he had to find out little by little, in other words the truth only trickled out. Every single time he found out something new that you didn't tell him, it sets the clock back to zero and is yet another DDay. Trickle Truth is the marriage killer. And you're upset when he doesn't believe when you're telling him the truth? After you TT'd him?










Look at the Stages of Grief. He's clearly in the ANGER stage, and it could last quite a while. This is when your commitment to fixing what you have done will be put to the test. You had better be patient and weather the storm, and follow the excellent advice others have given you.

For me, I was still enraged at 5 months, it wasn't until 8 months out that the rage started to dissipate. He may be different, especially since you TTd him so much. You need to start earning back that trust. You should be totally in the left column here.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Follow through with the polygraph asap. 

Also, why is it so many cheating wives refer to their husbands as Hubby? That seems to be a term of endearment, and, clearly, a cheater does not love the betrayed.
Finally, what on earth leads you to believe having been sexually asaulted led you to cheat? That seems a tenuous, far fetched connection. If anything, I would think it would lead you to avoid sex with unknown men.


----------



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I don't know what my stbxw could do to convince me she was repentant but one thing would be to
make a concerted effort to do so. Actions really speak much louder than words her saying she loves me and acting like she's trying for the marriage now rings hollow when I see the OM still in her contacts
on her new ipad! You might be able to save it if you follow all the advice here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Arnold said:


> Finally, what on earth leads you to believe having been sexually asaulted led you to cheat? That seems a tenuous, far fetched connection. If anything, I would think it would lead you to avoid sex with unknown men.


Totally amateur diagnosis on our part, but when we began R, my wife and looked back on her history and lifelong pattern of being a little too "friendly" when she felt low. Early in our relationship, she'd told me that, as a high school freshman, she'd been repeatedly date-raped by her first bf. We came to the conclusion (with other factors considered, as well) that her entry into her sexual life was with the message that that's all she was good for. As time went on, she learned the power that sex holds, and wielded that power. If she wanted attention, shed turn to flirting and sex. Now, this wasn't in a vacuum...there were other life experiences that contributed, as well. But, depending on the personality type, I can see a sexual assault being a contributing factor to a heightened sexual identity, as the victim tries to reclaim that part of themselves in a most unhealthy way.

Not an excuse for cheating, by any means, but one of many building blocks that can make someone more open to doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Follow through with the polygraph asap.
> 
> Also, why is it so many cheating wives refer to their husbands as Hubby? That seems to be a term of endearment, and, clearly, a cheater does not love the betrayed.
> Finally, what on earth leads you to believe having been sexually asaulted led you to cheat? That seems a tenuous, far fetched connection. If anything, I would think it would lead you to avoid sex with unknown men.


Its proven fact that women, especially female children, who have experienced sexual assault or rape become more promiscuous. It actually produces quite the opposite effect of running away, they run towards bad relationships, non relationships, one night stands, cheating behaviors.

Doesn't always happen that way because there is always the exception to the rule of course.

Most women who've been sexually assault or raped as a child also become sexually active much sooner (particularly in non penetrative assault) even some as early as 3 to 5 years sooner. I was 13 when I became active, 9 when I was sexually assaulted. Most women become active between the 15 to 17 age range (in my generation, these days its much much too soon for our next generation of kids).


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

So, why does becoming active earlier lead to cheating?


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Arnold said:


> So, why does becoming active earlier lead to cheating?


That's not what I said. I indicated that promiscuous behaviors from a sexual trauma can lead to cheating behaviors. The becoming active earlier than normal was basically a side note, a secondary piece of information.

With sexual trauma, particularly for a woman, the psychological effect boils down to multiple partners, earlier sexual activity and promiscuous behaviors because she is seeking to "fix something". It's about her taking control back by using her body that someone "broke" so to speak. It's about taking back what was taken in the first place.

This is a horrible psychological effect for women when it comes to sexual traumas but its just how it works with this type of trauma. Again, there are exceptions to the rule of course.


----------



## SavingUS (Aug 29, 2011)

Thank you all for your advise. I will continue to keep working at it.

@ Arnold, I have always called my husband Hubby and I do love him very much please do not judge my case or feelings based on your own. I was not saying that my past was the reason I cheated but one of the reasons I was more prone or opened to it and it is something I am working on. Thanks.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Him believing you will take time.. He does not trust you right now.. So according to him everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie, even if you are telling him the truth...


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Its proven fact that women, especially female children, who have experienced sexual assault or rape become more promiscuous. It actually produces quite the opposite effect of running away, they run towards bad relationships, non relationships, one night stands, cheating behaviors.
> 
> Doesn't always happen that way because there is always the exception to the rule of course.
> 
> Most women who've been sexually assault or raped as a child also become sexually active much sooner (particularly in non penetrative assault) even some as early as 3 to 5 years sooner. I was 13 when I became active, 9 when I was sexually assaulted. Most women become active between the 15 to 17 age range (in my generation, these days its much much too soon for our next generation of kids).


I am intrigued and worried by your post. My wife was abused as a child. I know next to nothing about it other than she was under 10 yrs old. She says she was promiscuous in high school, though what she tells me she did was not abnormal but maybe just a bit young compared to averages.

Anyhow, I understand the psychology that some abuse/assault survivors are unable to have a close intimate relationship with their husband, including being unable to be open sexually. What I don't understand is the going outside the marriage for sex.

How common is that? Are the affairs different than for women who were not abused/assaulted? Are there different needs being met, and are the signs of the affairs different?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

CantePe said:


> That's not what I said. I indicated that promiscuous behaviors from a sexual trauma can lead to cheating behaviors. The becoming active earlier than normal was basically a side note, a secondary piece of information.
> 
> With sexual trauma, particularly for a woman, the psychological effect boils down to multiple partners, earlier sexual activity and promiscuous behaviors because she is seeking to "fix something".* It's about her taking control back by using her body that someone "broke" so to speak. It's about taking back what was taken in the first place.*
> 
> This is a horrible psychological effect for women when it comes to sexual traumas but its just how it works with this type of trauma. Again, there are exceptions to the rule of course.


:iagree:

My ex-wife had been repeatedly raped by her male cousin when she was a teenage girl. The sad thing is that she never, ever told me about her horrifying ordeal during the entire time we had been together. Then 10 years after we were married, something inside her broke and she began a sexual affair with another man that lasted one year, despite the fact that we were having sex 5 times a week and being affectionate towards each other all the time.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Thor, I can't say how common it might be, but I can relate our own personal conclusions that came from my wife and I examining her patterns of behavior from high school til now.

In high school, after breaking up with that first boyfriend who routinely date-raped her, she fell into a pattern where she would be quite the tease and imply that sex was forthcoming to get and maintain guy's attention. She would also follow through with some of them, while maintaining a relationship with her "official" boyfriend. This continued into adulthood as sex (and the unfulfilled promise of it, in many cases) provided her with concrete results in getting what she wanted, primarily attention. Case in point: the first place we worked together, shortly before we began seeing one another, a married male supervisor expressed an interest in her. She wasn't interested in him, but his interest resulted in her being given the occasional special project and/or an easier workload than others. So, she played upon that interest, implying that he might get sex if he continued his favoritism. Put bluntly, she enjoyed the power trip. And, as time reinforced her patterns of behavior, her mindset was one of essentially believing that sex (and her sexual power trip) was the only thing she was good at/for. She also enjoyed the ego boost of being pursued, and would seek validation from anyone who soul provide it. Given her behavior patterns, this often meant flirting to see if she could get a response.

My readiness to walk out the door in response to learning that these patterns continued into our marriage (it wasn't until things blew up that it was clear that they had) is what made her sit down and evaluate her life choices and behavior patterns. She's making tremendous effort in breaking those patterns and building new, healthier ones. Her behavior was not unlike that of a sex addict...chasing the "high" of the illicit relationship, even if nothing physical occurred, coming down from the "high" when that ends for whatever reason, then chasing it again...lather rinse repeat.

It's an admittedly unhealthy mindset that can be set in place as the victim of sexual assault both feels "unworthy" of a truly intimate relationship following the assault, and also tries to reclaim their own sexual power by essentially lashing out sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Grayson, thanks for that.

My wife has been very silent about her teen years, only telling me a little bit. She did say though that she was promiscuous (her exact word), but what she has told me does not seem abnormal. I do wonder what the truth is, and what her patterns really were. Not that it matters, other than helping to understand her behavior in our marriage.

I cannot see her having an EA because she has such difficulty with emotional intimacy. But a PA? She has had and still has issues with sex within the marriage. She has to get psychologically prepared. Spontaneous is not possible. It seems so unlikely that she would seek sex anywhere else just due to her warped concept of sex within marriage. But the red flags and circumstantial evidence are so strong for one or more past affairs.

I feel as if there is yet another major missing piece of the puzzle which will explain all the confusion.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Glad to help, Thor.

Quick, easy way of putting it all just occurred to me: Sex was used as a weapon against victims of sexual assault. Particularly if the assault was their first experience, they see it that way and often use it that way themselves.

Sounds like thre might indeed be a piece or two of your wife's puzzle missing. Hope the two of you are able to successfully put it together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Thor said:


> I am intrigued and worried by your post. My wife was abused as a child. I know next to nothing about it other than she was under 10 yrs old. She says she was promiscuous in high school, though what she tells me she did was not abnormal but maybe just a bit young compared to averages.
> 
> Anyhow, I understand the psychology that some abuse/assault survivors are unable to have a close intimate relationship with their husband, including being unable to be open sexually. What I don't understand is the going outside the marriage for sex.
> 
> How common is that? Are the affairs different than for women who were not abused/assaulted? Are there different needs being met, and are the signs of the affairs different?


I can't answer the last question at all but two others have given their experiences. I don't know if it's different for unabused or abused persons. I, unfortunately, have had the misfortune of being sexually assaulted as a child (9 yrs old) but I've never once cheated.

Like I said there are exceptions to the rules, I was promiscuous as a teenager, even bolder than most for where and when though I've never cheated (I'm the BS in my relationship, almost a year out from DDay).

I can't tell you what I haven't experienced though I'm sure there are studies and theories out there that can be looked up... oedipus and elektra complexes can play a role in abused people as well (oedipus being the male component of the female elektra complex). This is a Freudian\Jung theory on child ID\EGO and sexual personalities.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Thor said:


> Grayson, thanks for that.
> 
> My wife has been very silent about her teen years, only telling me a little bit. She did say though that she was promiscuous (her exact word), but what she has told me does not seem abnormal. I do wonder what the truth is, and what her patterns really were. Not that it matters, other than helping to understand her behavior in our marriage.
> 
> ...


There's a difference with sex within the marriage and sex with someone else outside of the marriage.

Sex within the marriage is something that is constant, even anticipated and required where she must prepare psychologically while outside the marriage there is no perceived requirements for it (do I make sense?) there are no strings attached no psychological undertones of "this is expected of me".

As well, she controlled the sex (perception is key here) outside the marriage where as inside the marriage its normally viewed that the man controls the sex within that marriage. Society says Man is this and Woman is that within a marriage.

The above - her way of controlling the power and taking back that power regardless of the consequences to the marriage she is in. Some women (admittedly like myself) control the sex within the marriage to the point where the man cannot keep up with the woman for libido. Mine is higher than his. I am also a dominant in the bedroom. He's a submissive - kind of works out for us though being that are personalities are reversed to what society views as man and woman...

I don't know if that made sense to you. EAs too, they are psychological and emotional...not all women need psychologically or emotionally charged sex...


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Glad to help, Thor.
> 
> Quick, easy way of putting it all just occurred to me: Sex was used as a weapon against victims of sexual assault. Particularly if the assault was their first experience, they see it that way and often use it that way themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that makes sense given that she agrees with my observation she used sex as a tool to manage and manipulate me in our marriage. She seems to have a more balanced understanding now about what sex should be in an intimate relationship.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CantePe said:


> There's a difference with sex within the marriage and sex with someone else outside of the marriage.
> 
> Sex within the marriage is something that is constant, even anticipated and required where she must prepare psychologically while outside the marriage there is no perceived requirements for it (do I make sense?) there are no strings attached no psychological undertones of "this is expected of me".
> 
> ...


Ok, that does make sense. She is a controlling person overall, except in sex. She doesn't want to take the lead. But she is not inhibited once she is psyched up for it, which involves only being on Saturday evenings, and after a couple of drinks.

My experience with her after the wedding was that she had no real interest in sex, and only provided duty sex. So it is very hard for me to picture her having a need to go have sex with someone else. But if it was some psychological power thing rather than a sex thing, maybe it makes sense. Still it is difficult to imagine, other than the red flags saying it happened.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Thor said:


> Yes, that makes sense given that she agrees with my observation she used sex as a tool to manage and manipulate me in our marriage. She seems to have a more balanced understanding now about what sex should be in an intimate relationship.


 Hear ya.

One night, not too long ago (and after our breakthroughs that led to our current status), somehow the conversation turned to me mentioning that, while it's fun that she's adventurous in bed, and I like to just fv(k, sometimes I'd rather make love. She asked what the difference was. I said it's a matter of intimacy and connection...of both partners letting their guard down, moving and being as one...truly becoming enraptured with one another. She started crying, turned away and said, "I've never had that."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Thor said:


> Ok, that does make sense. She is a controlling person overall, except in sex. She doesn't want to take the lead. But she is not inhibited once she is psyched up for it, which involves only being on Saturday evenings, and after a couple of drinks.
> 
> My experience with her after the wedding was that she had no real interest in sex, and only provided duty sex. So it is very hard for me to picture her having a need to go have sex with someone else. But if it was some psychological power thing rather than a sex thing, maybe it makes sense. Still it is difficult to imagine, other than the red flags saying it happened.


That makes perfect sense to this armchair "psychologist."

She knows that your relationship is meant to be one of mutual give and take. Meanwhile, she has wired herself to, as you say, use it as a tool with her in control. Thus, she does not know how to act in your intimate one on one relationship, but has no problem with "just sex." She might even crave that "just sex" in order to feel that rush of power. While she may not be an outright "sex addict," it might be worth reading up on sex addiction, as a lot of the "symptoms" and behaviors can be similar. So can the methods of learning to control that behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

> Children and adolescents who have been sexually abused can suffer a range of psychological and behavioral problems, from mild to severe, in both the short and long term. These problems typically include depression, anxiety, guilt, fear, sexual dysfunction, withdrawal, and acting out. Depending on the severity of the incident, victims of sexual abuse may also develop fear and anxiety regarding the opposite sex or sexual issues and may display inappropriate sexual behavior. However, the strongest indication that a child has been sexually abused is inappropriate sexual knowledge, sexual interest, and sexual acting out by that child.
> The initial or short-term effects of abuse usually occur within 2 years of the termination of the abuse. These effects vary depending upon the circumstances of the abuse and the child's developmental stage but may include regressive behaviors (such as a return to thumb-sucking or bed-wetting), sleep disturbances, eating problems, behavior and/or performance problems at school, and nonparticipation in school and social activities.
> But the negative effects of child sexual abuse can affect the victim for many years and into adulthood. Adults who were sexually abused as children commonly experience depression. Additionally, high levels of anxiety in these adults can result in self-destructive behaviors, such as alcoholism or drug abuse, anxiety attacks, situation-specific anxiety disorders, and insomnia. Many victims also encounter problems in their adult relationships and in their adult sexual functioning.
> Revictimization is also a common phenomenon among people abused as children. Research has shown that child sexual abuse victims are more likely to be the victims of rape or to be involved in physically abusive relationships as adults are.
> In short, the ill effects of child sexual abuse are wide ranging. There is no one set of symptoms or outcomes that victims experience. Some children even report little or no psychological distress from the abuse, but these children may be either afraid to express their true emotions or may be denying their feelings as a coping mechanism. Other children may have what is called "sleeper effects." They may experience no harm in the short run, but suffer serious problems later in life.


From this site: Understanding Child Sexual Abuse: Education, Prevention, and Recovery


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Grayson said:


> That makes perfect sense to this armchair "psychologist."
> 
> She knows that your relationship is meant to be one of mutual give and take. Meanwhile, she has wired herself to, as you say, use it as a tool with her in control. Thus, she does not know how to act in your intimate one on one relationship, but has no problem with "just sex." She might even crave that "just sex" in order to feel that rush of power. While she may not be an outright "sex addict," it might be worth reading up on sex addiction, as a lot of the "symptoms" and behaviors can be similar. So can the methods of learning to control that behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that is the case with her, we're done. She has had ample opportunity to come clean with anything and everything. I know that the chances of me finding out about old affairs is pretty much zero unless she confesses. She knows if I find out about anything from an outside source that it is divorce. She has had her last overt opportunity offered by me to come clean, but if she should volunteer out of the blue I would evaluate the situation before making a decision.

The series of major deceptions and untruths through our marriage has put me darn near the breaking point already. Finding out about 'just sex' outside the marriage while I suffered decades of a sexless marriage would put me past the point of return most likely.

I am haunted by the red flags every day, though I don't believe she is in any kind of affair currently. I wish there were some kind of closure on this issue.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What did you expect to happen when you engaged in cheating on your husband putting his health at risk for STD's? Have you both been tested now? How would you be feeling if your husband had done to you what you have done to him?


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

bryanp said:


> What did you expect to happen when you engaged in cheating on your husband putting his health at risk for STD's? Have you both been tested now? How would you be feeling if your husband had done to you what you have done to him?


Who are you talking to?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

SavingUS, the OP


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> SavingUS, the OP


I completely forgot that was who posted, I think we jacked the thread there for a bit.


----------



## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Actions are the only thing that will matter. You can say wahtever you want but he won't believe you because you have destroyed his trust in you.
> 
> So you must show your committment to him via your actions. That means staying no contact, willing to do any/everything he asks of you with regards to reconciliation, being where you say you will be, being transparent (showing your phone/email/call log) and expressing how sorry you are and WHY you are sorry. Empathize with him. You just flpped his entire world upside down. He is dealing with a major trauma right now. Be pro-active and ask what you can DO to help him through this.
> 
> Actions, actions, actions.


Perhaps the best post I have ever read dealing with this type of situation.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Thor said:


> If that is the case with her, we're done. She has had ample opportunity to come clean with anything and everything. I know that the chances of me finding out about old affairs is pretty much zero unless she confesses. She knows if I find out about anything from an outside source that it is divorce. She has had her last overt opportunity offered by me to come clean, but if she should volunteer out of the blue I would evaluate the situation before making a decision.
> 
> The series of major deceptions and untruths through our marriage has put me darn near the breaking point already. Finding out about 'just sex' outside the marriage while I suffered decades of a sexless marriage would put me past the point of return most likely.
> 
> I am haunted by the red flags every day, though I don't believe she is in any kind of affair currently. I wish there were some kind of closure on this issue.


I can certainly understand that. Didn't mean to imply that she might be out there for "just sex" currently. Based on your description, the craving (for want of a better term) might be there, but she may be able to power through it. It could still be beneficial to find some sort of support group, be it a sex addiction group or some other.

And, just as a side-note, when discussing this thread (more specifically, this thread-jacking :rofl: ) with my wife last night, she was agreeing with most every point that has been made. And, she pointed out to me that every single member of her sex/love addicts anonymous group is a victim of early sexual assault.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

SavingUS said:


> I have volunteered for a polygraph but he still doesnt believe me, how can I help him believe me? What can I do to help him?? Thanks in Advance.


This is the kind of pain infidelity causes. First off you have to realize, you did this to him.

He isn't going to believe you because cheaters are liars by default.

He will go through the emotions of being happy he still has his marriage to wondering why he isn't leaving you because a better life awaits him. This won't go away anytime soon, and it may never go away. 

He is angry, and justifiably so. He knows that even if you pass the polygraph, that you still spread your thighs for another man. Sorry to put it that way, but I guarantee you, that is the way he is seeing it.

The only thing you can do is keep telling the truth, if it is in fact the truth, understanding that you caused his anger. And if things don't improve over the course of a year or 2, then you may need to sit him down and discuss divorce. For his sake, not yours.


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ishe? said:


> It sounds like your doing the right things. He will ask the same q's over and over for reassurance. The verbal abuse is not ok.


About the verbal "abuse". Sorry, but its nothing compared to the emotional abuse she put him through by screwing another man.

As long as he isn't physically abusing her, he is entitled to lash out like that in anger. But not forever. There comes a time when he will have to decide that her emotional abuse of him shouldn't change who he is in the long run.


----------

