# On line dating protocol question.



## BlueWoman

So here's the thing...today I went to meet a man I met from plenty of fish. We met at a local diner and each paid our own way. 
While I found him physically attractive, I felt uncomfortable with him. He was too aggressive with his physical attention and wasn't picking up that I was uncomfortable with him being so physical. 

He had appointments scheduled and so the date had a natural ending, but he tried to invite himself to my house afterward his appointment and when I seemed reluctant he tried to suggest his place. Keep in mind,my first contact with him was yesterday. We exchanged about two messages and then he asked if I was up for getting coffee then. I was in my PJ's at the time, so I offered to meet him today. Even if I had been comfortable with him, I wouldn't have wanted to invite a man that I barely knew into my home and I wouldn't have gone over to his house. 

Anyway, he said he would call me during a very awkward hug in which he tried to get more than I wanted to give. I knew he didn't have my phone number and I didn't remind him. Needless to say, I do not want to continue a relationship with him. And I had hoped that he picked up on that and was just saying he'd call to be polite...(although, he obviously wasn't paying attention to my discomfort with his physical proximity.) 

Anyway, he just sent a message to me asking me for my phone number. I don't want to give it to him. 

What's the proper protocol? Would it be wrong to just ignore it? Or because we met do I owe him more of an explaination?


----------



## daddymikey1975

Simply tell him "I don't think we have much chemistry and am not interested in pursuing things further with you. Good luck with fishing and I hope you find what you're looking for" 

Or something like that. You don't owe him anything. 

Then block him on POF


----------



## Cooper

He was just trying to get some sex, you owe him nothing really. I have found some women just block you automatically or some will say "sorry, not a good match". It just comes down to how you feel comfortable.

There are plenty of goofy women out there in the cyber dating world also. A couple of polices I have adopted is limiting any personal contact info until after the first meet and greet, no phone numbers, no home or work e-mails. I have had some women balk at this and accuse me of hiding something but I am just trying to protect my privacy until I figure out they're not a fruit cake nut job.

Learn to be more assertive on your dates, as soon as a man crosses a boundary shut him down or at the very least tell him to back out of your space. And frankly you would be crazy to go anywhere private (your place/his place) with anyone you just met and certainly don't know. That applies to men and women both.


----------



## Deejo

Just another little caveat when it comes to online dating ...

You get what you pay for.

Sites like Match or eHarmony are pay to play, so by default, you tend to weed out anyone simply looking for casual encounters, although no doubt they still exist on the pay sites.

If you decide to stick with POF, you're going to need tough skin. No doubt without some due diligence on your part, there are lots more just like your first date with Mr. Uncomfortable out there.

Dating should be enjoyable. Yes there may be some inherent stress if you have been out of the game for a long time, but keep in mind this is an investment in yourself.

And you have high value.

Don't give or yield anything that you aren't comfortable with.

You owe absolutely NOTHING to someone you are either breaking correspondence with, or have had a first date with and don't plan on another.

You can send a note as others have mentioned.

But here is the important part. You are sending the note as a courtesy. I made a habit of this ... but then people STILL wanted to engage, ask questions, call you names or whatever.

So my recommendation is that you can send, 'no chemistry, best of luck' note, but do not ever respond to any follow up communication. If you do ... the person on the other end is going to believe they have a shot. And they don't. They are just hurt, arrogant, or stupid.

Do what you feel comfortable with. That schmuck? I wouldn't send him anything. And do block him.

Don't give your address, phone or a real email to anyone that you haven't qualified as at least being likeable.

Never have someone pick you up at your home, and as a rule make first dates quick and casual.

Good luck.


----------



## Married but Happy

I also made it a habit to send "thanks, but there's no chemistry" (or, I don't think we're a good match) notes, and when I received such notes would simply respond "Thanks for letting me know. Best wishes." I wouldn't even bother blocking - only once did I need to do so after getting a nasty response. Courtesy is seldom wasted, and often appreciated. I also think it's a sign of character to be gracious when possible.

You don't owe anyone anything, of course, and it's best to end things quickly and cleanly when they are not going to work for whatever reason.


----------



## Jellybeans

Just respond "I'm not feeling a connection between us. I wish you happy dating."


----------



## kokonatsu

I don't see anything wrong with ignoring him. Though you're not saying anything, it gets a message across. I was once on POF, went on a date with this guy, and it was too fast for me, and he quickly got the message that I didn't want anything more to do with him after I ignores his messages. After a couple months, he sent me another one and i haven't heard from him since. But I've also changed my address and phone number (not because of this guy!) so unless I bump into him on the streets, I'll never see him again. 

Like others have said, you owe him nothing and don't feel like you owe him a reply, if you're not comfortable giving one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy

My feeling is that someday you could encounter any of these OLD contacts socially or professionally, unplanned. If you were rude or otherwise lacked in showing some courtesy, it may reflect badly on you in the future. Courtesy and a little kindness cost nothing, but may generate benefits in the future.


----------



## Dread Pirate Roberts

BlueWoman said:


> Anyway, he just sent a message to me asking me for my phone number. I don't want to give it to him.
> 
> What's the proper protocol? Would it be wrong to just ignore it? Or because we met do I owe him more of an explaination?


One of the first things I read during my online dating period was "No reply is a reply". You don't owe this guy anything. I'd block his number and online. Dude sounded like a real d-bag.

DPR


----------



## pragmaster

All I can say is it hurts more to be ignored than to hear a simple "sorry not interested".


----------



## Healer

He was full on out for sex and didn't pay you any attention. Let him know "Not interested" if you feel like it, but after 1 obnoxious date, you hardly owe him an explanation. I'd just forget about it. If he were a gentleman and thoughtful towards you then a "thank you but no thanks" may be warranted. He'll just move on to trying to get into some other woman's pants anyway.


----------



## BlueWoman

Thanks for your advice. 
In the end I did ignore him. Because by the time I got back online 24 hours had passed and it seemed kind of moot at that point. 

But you guys gave me some really good advice and really made me think of that interaction.

I tad annoyed with myself for not being much firmer in my boundaries. I think I need to remember that it's okay to tell someone they are making me uncomfortable. 

I did go ahead and renew my eharmony subscription. The reality even though I am not looking to get married tomorrow (or even next year.) I'm not hook up woman. And I don't want to waste my time on men that have that expectation. I don't mind if someone isn't ready them selves to make a life long commitment, but they aren't allowed to use just for sex.


----------



## Jellybeans

BlueWoman said:


> I tad annoyed with myself for not being much firmer in my boundaries. I think I need to remember that it's okay to tell someone they are making me uncomfortable.


Don't beat yourself up. This whole dating thing is a learning process. 

Good on you for recognizing you were not interested instead of continuing to go out with someone so pushy. On to the next one!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I think it's only polite to respond to people - the only ones I don't respond to are are those that only take the time to write "hi baby" (heck they can't even be bothered to use caps or punctuation).

The rest I reply to and especially anyone I went out with. I think ignoring someone to get the message across is rude and cowardly. 

As you noticed he wasn't observant of your discomfort which means his focus wasn't on you, it was really on himself and what he wanted = sex. 

I agree that you get what you pay for. I've tried 'em all. POF was the WORST by far. At least in my age bracket of 40+; youngsters might have better luck. If a man is willing to pay for a membership, he is invested in meeting someone. Odds are he's not just looking to get laid - he could do that for free at POF.  OK cupid was just that - OK. Zoosk was a waste of time and only a tiny bit better than POF in the quality of the men but selection was worse because not as many users. Chemistry seemed just as good as match in the clientele but I never paid for a subscription and I think they are gone now? and eHarmony seemed like too much trouble and the men seemed too desperate - too 'flowery' (oh boy the Alpha's are going to be all over that one).

I'd be honest and tell him that he was obviously looking for something different than you were and you didn't feel comfortable with the way he seemed to press for too much too soon. (Even if it's an unwanted kiss, it applies.) So best of luck.


----------



## arbitrator

* Tell that jerk to go to the bathroom and "handle" his own damn problem! He's being a rectum!

You ain't missing anything by dissing him! Just keep hunting, Sweetheart ~ the right one will definitely come along!*


----------



## BlueWoman

Okay, my dating guru's here's another question. So I went out on a date with a different guy and it was much better. He was nice, sat across from me, an kepts his hands to himself. He was a nice guy, and I want to see him again. 

But I also really want to take things slow. I have been divorced for 7 months and I know I'm still not in the right frame of mind for a serious relationship...And he's only the second guy I've even been on a date with. We haven't held hands, much kissed or anything else. 

Anyway, he is currently verbalizing his day dreams about long term plans with me. Like he wants to know if I would be interested in going to a baseball game with him and his son...this summer. And he said he was going to go to the redwoods this summer and I had never been and hoped someday. He suggested I go with them in May. Should I just ignore that? Is that a big red flag? Or do I need to say something to him. 
I have deliberatly filled up this coming weekend with other plans so that I could keep things slow, and we haven't as of yet made plans for the following weekend. And I do intend to date other people until I know I have found the right guy to be serious about. And I want to take my time.


----------



## arbitrator

BlueWoman said:


> Okay, my dating guru's here's another question. So I went out on a date with a different guy and it was much better. He was nice, sat across from me, an kepts his hands to himself. He was a nice guy, and I want to see him again.
> 
> But I also really want to take things slow. I have been divorced for 7 months and I know I'm still not in the right frame of mind for a serious relationship...And he's only the second guy I've even been on a date with. We haven't held hands, much kissed or anything else.
> 
> Anyway, he is currently verbalizing his day dreams about long term plans with me. Like he wants to know if I would be interested in going to a baseball game with him and his son...this summer. And he said he was going to go to the redwoods this summer and I had never been and hoped someday. He suggested I go with them in May. Should I just ignore that? Is that a big red flag? Or do I need to say something to him.
> I have deliberatly filled up this coming weekend with other plans so that I could keep things slow, and we haven't as of yet made plans for the following weekend. And I do intend to date other people until I know I have found the right guy to be serious about. And I want to take my time.


*No red flag, per se, but you might ask him to slow down a little bit for you!*


----------



## Holland

2 huge red flags there. Firstly he is already after one date talking about introducing you to his son. 
Secondly he is making longer term plans with a woman that he has been out with once, alarm bells should be ringing for you.


----------



## Deejo

Newly heartbroken, not finished healing, and terrified of being alone.

None of these things make a him a bad man, but they do mean he is not a very experienced dater.

Many, hell most, men coming out of long marriages haven't a clue how to date, and according to dating etiquette, they are supposed to have a clue.

Best thing you can do with this guy is tell him you like him, but dial back on forecasting the future.

What he is doing is very, very common for a man who had his heart broken and is looking for someone to love ... perhaps a bit too soon.

What he obviously doesn't know is that it comes across, as needy and off-putting.


----------



## Wolf1974

As you are learning you need to be able to communicate both physical and emotional boundrys. Just be honest and direct. Tell this guy hey I'm new to dating, trying to take things slow we will see what we see when the summer comes. That's it.

Don't worry....this Does get easier in time


----------



## BlueWoman

Okay...thanks. You guys are pretty good at advice. I will gently hint that we should take it slow. 

I will also let him know that I don't want to meet his son until I think we are ready to get a little more serious. 

I texted him back and said, let's take it slow and let the summer work itself out. 

He took it pretty well and responded back "slow is good."


----------



## Jellybeans

BlueWoman said:


> But I also really want to take things slow. I have been divorced for 7 months and I know I'm still not in the right frame of mind for a serious relationship...
> 
> Or do I need to say something to him.
> 
> And I want to take my time.


Looks like you already told Speedy Gonzalez to slow it down, so that's good. Goodness he was making plans for May/summer/meeting his son on the FIRST date? You've only been out once, right?

I think you were right to tell him you want to go slow. Nothing wrong at all with that. 

7 months out of a divotce is not that long. Hell I wasn't really even ready to date properly until like 3 years post-separation/divorce. I realize that may seem like eons to people but mentally/emotionally I was NOT there yet and it took me a LONG time to be in the right frame of mind. I went out with guys but in no way/shape/or form had any business doing so (before the 3 years).


----------



## BlueWoman

I totally get you, Jelly Beans. But it feels right to do this now. Not to get serious about anyone, but to go out on dates. To meet new men. 

But I don't intend to get serious about anyone right now. I still have to figure out who I am as a single woman. And I'm only beginning to scratch the surface. 

But, sometimes I really miss my ex. But dating other men with other possibilities. Makes me not miss him so much. There is so much potential for a different life for me that I couldn't have with him. 

I suppose there is always the possibilities that I could date a few guys and think...I really had the best. But I don't think that's going to happen.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Well the good thing is you're a woman so the world is your oyster.. 

Some call Plenty of Fish, Plenty of Fvcks.. Though I met my current somewhat strenuous G.F. on there a year and a half ago.. 

My friend is on there and he is pretty blunt sometimes about just looking to get laid.. Oddly enough he gets some positive responses.. 

Make sure your settings say Dating and clearly not long term.. Make sure you're not responding someone that is listed long term. 

Personally I would consider any woman listed as Dating to be potentially looking to be long term but just doesn't want to put it out there to scare off some men.. I think in the end everyone wants to be with someone, otherwise we wouldn't have these towns, cities and places like bars and nightclubs to congregate together.. 

That being said.. 

It would be nice if you could respond to people not a match, but honestly I seen my G.F. inbox.. She could get 50 messages a day when she logged in and people see her online.. You just can't go through that many messages a day.. 

I would also maybe suggest a temporary email account just for online dating sites.. This way if you somehow accidentally respond back to their email from yours, its not your main email and you're not stuck with a email stalker sending you messages to your personal email account. 

If you do.. DO NOT EVER,, AGAIN,, DO NOT EVER OPEN AN ATTACHMENT FROM ONE OF THESE MEN.. Look up Eblaster to see what people can do.. Its a piece of legit software that many stalkers use to spy on their victims..

I would consider a prepaid phone as well. Again nothing worse then getting a call from some guy you cut loose 1 year ago because he thought he seen you on a dating site.. Especially when you are with a boyfriend at the time.. It just become difficult to explain why some guy is calling you from a year ago and make it believable even if it is the truth..

Or make sure your phone is modern enough to block calls and messages like the IPHONE can.. 

I was on POF, Match and Eharmony.. Most people on POF were on Match and a few were on Eharmony.. 

I would definitely go with the assumption that any guy you meet is gonna look to fvck you and not have a relationship of any sort or date.. 

Look I have to be honest and tell you I don't think some guy is gonna "date" you for many dates without either looking long term or getting laid.. You are just not gonna get many men who will date you for 2 months before getting some sexual gratification from you.. Its too much effort and money. Especially if they are divorced.. 

I've known men who have tossed out the consenting adults line to women after the 2nd date or so.. I know guys that have pretty much said if I pay for dinner I expect a little something after.. Most of the time its Oral.. 

Again not looking to depress you.. I'm just saying there are many sharks out there and some heartless people.. It can be discouraging for some, but trust me its even harder for guys sometimes..


----------



## BlueWoman

Well I'm not a prude...but I don't give BJ's to anyone I don't want to. I don't care how much they spent. But that's part of why I want the first date to be over coffee and we go dutch. 

I am not necessarily ruling out a friends with benefits situation either. But I have to be friends with them which takes time. And as for long term relationships...someday I would like one. But I need to go slow. 

In anycase, the guy I told I wanted to go slow with, hasn't texted me all day. This from texting several times a day to nothing...it could just mean he's really busy today. But it also could be he's not going to pursue.


----------



## daddymikey1975

BlueWoman said:


> In anycase, the guy I told I wanted to go slow with, hasn't texted me all day. This from texting several times a day to nothing...it could just mean he's really busy today. But it also could be he's not going to pursue.


Or he thinks you're not interested. Have you texted him to break up the pattern?


----------



## BlueWoman

Turns out he was actually busy. 

Unfortunately, I think I need to end it with him. As well as get out of a meet and greet with another.

Bachelor #2 Is a really nice guy, but he's moving way to fast...So after me telling him that I wanted to take slow and he agreeing, he now wants our first official date to be with his son. I don't want to meet his son so soon. I have just met this man once, and I'm still trying to figure out what I feel for him. And I don't think it's fair to involve his son in our relationship at this point. 
I get that to date a man with a child at some point he will want to make sure that his child and I get along. But I think I need to find out if I get along with a man first. 
So I think, if I continue to date him, I am going to spend too much time slowing us down and not enough time just enjoying what's happening. 

Bachelor #3: I haven't met him yet. We have just been exchaning emails. And to be honest I really enjoying talking to him. We have a lot of similar interests. But he's had a few "yellow" flags. First, he's not divorced yet. But he is separated and his wife lives in North Carolina with his 4 sons. They seperated in September. 2) He's unemployed. Apparantly he was a stay at home Dad up until September. He and his family moved out my way because of the elevation and lesser humidity. He has been in the military and prison guard and suffered a lot of injuries which caused chronic pain. But their marriage didn't make it and she and the boys went back. 
Now since I wasn't thinking of getting serious about him, I let those things go. But strangely enough, here's my deal breaker. He doesn't have a car. I live in the wild west and not a having a car is a big deal. We don't have great public transportation. It takes hours to get anywhere on bus, and everything is spread out. This would mean that anydates that weren't in his vicinity, I would be driving. And yeah...it's a turn off. It's a big one. Maybe this makes me shallow...but if a guy is attracted to looks, I find not having your own transportation to be unattractive. (Also I think when I look at the whole picture, I see a man who really needs to pull himself together. He probably can do it but I've alread been with a fixer upper. I don't want to do it again. )

So how do I do this? What do I say? How honest do I need to be? How much do they need to know?


----------



## SamuraiJack

Red flags of Bach#2!!!!

Way too fast. Sounds like he is Mommy shopping.



Bach #3
I agree. A man needs to have good, reliable transport...the unemployed thing is a bog no no as well.

Just relax and keep yourself calm and collected...that way you will attract calm and collected.


----------



## BlueWoman

Samurai Jack, thanks for validating what I thought. I was pretty sure I was on the right track with them, but it's nice to know I'm not being crazy. 

So how do I tell them, thanks but no thanks? I think it's a little past the point where I can ignore them. And while I don't think they are the guys for me, neither one were jerks who deserve me being a jerk to them. 

So how do guys want to hear it. I get it stings no matter what...but I'd like to do it respectfully.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Honestly Blue, both of those men sound like total time wasters. Move on to someone better.


----------



## BlueWoman

I haven't broken up with someone in 15 years, and he was a jerk. (I broke up with over coffee.)


----------



## BlueWoman

3Xnocharm said:


> Honestly Blue, both of those men sound like total time wasters. Move on to someone better.


I totally intend to. The question is how? What do I say?


----------



## BlueWoman

And just side note: Bach #3 thinks he's puts off people because of how he looks or because he doesn't have pets.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

BlueWoman said:


> I totally intend to. The question is how? What do I say?


You can say that you arent feeling a connection and wish them luck on their dating search, or just stop responding. I know a lot of people frown on the not responding thing, but it does work.


----------



## SamuraiJack

"Its been very nice getting to know you, but I dont think WE would make good long term team."

or

"I'm sorry I'm just not feeling it. Maybe it's me, but I need something different right now and Im not sure what that is."

or worse stilll...the unvarnished truth!

"Im sorry. You are a nice person, but I dont feel that connection I need to form a lasting relationshsip."


----------



## Dread Pirate Roberts

BlueWoman said:


> So how do I do this? What do I say? How honest do I need to be? How much do they need to know?


There is no way in he** I would be introducing my kids to someone that early. Even with my current GF, whom I met through mutual friends, it was a couple of months before the kids were involved.

Second thing I learned in online dating (first was no reply is a reply): Everyone has their preferences, and you don't have to justify yours. So, if no transport is a deal breaker for you, that's A-OK. It would be for me too, and so would the lack of employment.

There is a big dating pool out there, so just take your time, and use your filters/preferences. I'd just be honest - "Sorry, we just aren't a match" or however you want to word it. But keep it short and sweet. That's all they need to know.

Happy Hunting!

DPR


----------



## momto2

I've been doing the internet dating thing for a few months now. I have found that honesty is usually fine. "Sorry, I don't see this going anywhere. Wish you the best." One or two guys I just totally ignored because their true creepy side came out. One guy I went out with twice. He was attractive, had a good job, educated, lived not too far from my house. Something about him just didn't feel right. I told my mom that he almost seemed like a sociopath. Everything about him seemed "off". I decided to trust my instincts and never see him again. I don't regret that at all. Getting back in the dating scene can be difficult. It had been over 14 years since I had dated. And internet dating was just starting around that time. Just remember to be yourself and trust your gut. Good luck!


----------



## Hardtohandle

Hey Blue, you are not being shallow.. It is what it is.. Plain and simple..

And I agree, don't give out BJs just to anyone.. LOL, It was funny just typing that..

I didn't understand serial daters until I did.. But now that I understand it. I think some people have done this so much. Meaning the online dating scene that like doctors with bad bedside manners, they become callous and very blunt.. 

I have no issue with SAHD's but I think the whole mental thing isn't good for women.. I really do believe this courting and such is really primal instincts even if we don't see it or accept it that way.. I think our rational mind can over look some stuff but eventually the primal thoughts emerge even if subconsciously.. 

I might be shallow, but I look at the dollar and cents.. Military pension alone is extremely low.. Not work due to injuries.. I immediately thought, this guy better have a magic d!ck to impress the ladies.. 

Sadly I thought he would complain he couldn't do this position or that because of his bad back.. Or he would say you need to get on top because I can't its bad for my back.. 

And I'm a guy thinking this..

Personally this is why I am with the woman I am with.. We do have our dam issues.. But they are not infidelity issues.. I think everyone you met is gonna be broken in some way, shape or fashion the later you get on in life.. Again that is just my thoughts on this.. The perfect woman for me might be right around the corner but I might not see it because of this..

Right now I decided that I can deal to work with these issues of hers. Until I see I can't, then I will move on.. And I am pretty sure, she is thinking the same exact thing about me..

I think everyone has heard the line. Everyone is crazy, you just need to pick the crazy you can deal with..


----------

