# Tired of being neglected, disrespected



## Learning_to_Live (Jul 27, 2012)

I have been with my husband for 19 years, raised 5 kids ( his, mine and ours). Recently, through a tragic loss, I suddenly realized how terribly sad and even angry I am in my marriage. I guess, it takes something terrible to wake someone up from their complacency. 

Our marriage has had a few ups and downs but things are unbearable now. It is without sex or passion or even affection. My husband does not respect me though he remains faithful...yes, I am sure. In spite of his faults, he is an honest man. 

My husband is very controlling: He has never added me to the checking account or credit cards. The cars are in his name. He doesn't give me any money for grocery shopping because he does it daily. He gives me $5 a week for gas. 20 years ago that was fine because gas was 97 cents a gallon but now it is ridiculous. 

Everything has to be HIS way. He is more controlling than he will even admit or perhaps than he realizes. My sister says he is a narcissist and will never recognize his faults. 

If you ask me how things got this bad, I can only say that I was busy raising 5 kids. Yes, I would bring these issues up with him several times a year but nothing changed...or if it did it wasn't for very long. 

A little history here: I am his 3rd wife. This is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted for 13 years. His first marriages ended due to infidelity. I have never been unfaithful to him. I have always tried to be supportive...maybe too much so, if that is possible.

My husband doesn't make a lot of money. He doesn't have any life insurance on himself or me. I do not have health insurance. (He does.) BUT he drives a newer model Ford Mustang and I drive a 1998 Taurus...that is in HIS name.

I cannot go on like this. I am unable to just go out and get a job so I can leave him. I have been a SAHM for all of these years. 

Does anyone have any advice that can help me make the right decisions or at least go about them the right way?


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

Why are you unable to get out and get a job?

-MWD


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See a lawyer, get legal aid, whatever, but serve him with divorce papers. Do you really want to grow old with this guy???


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I think you need to start working towards leaving him, and that means that you need to get a job. 

Are your youngest children old enough that they are in school full time? If so, then it seems to me you could begin looking for a job. If not, it will be harder because you will need to work around childcare issues.

I guess I wouldn't try to talk about it with your husband yet. The $5 for gas/week makes me think he is not going to be receptive. 

You should probably also think about to what extent his past experiences are shaping his behavior towards you. Did his first two marriages fail because he was controlling? Or, does he have a lack of trust in you because he feels that his first wives behaved badly, and if he gives you room you would do the same?

You don't say where you live, but if you do decide to ultimately leave your husband (and this might be 2 years down the road because you need to get your life on track) it may not matter whose name the cars/ house/ etc are in. If you've been together for 19 years as a SAHM, he will be asked to provide some spousal/ child support.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'd go on welfare before I spent another two years with someone like that.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

You should at least get a job so you can have health insurance. What if you get injured, sick, cancer, etc. You will regret it if you could have prevented it by getting a job. 

As far as the $5 goes. I don't know how much discretionary income you guys have, but you did say he does not make a lot of money, which explains why he watches the $$$ so carefully. Driving the newer Mustang is probably a little selfish. 

You really need to get a job.


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## Learning_to_Live (Jul 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone for replying. As for getting a job I do not have any job skills or work history that put me at any kind of advantage. I live in a small town in GA where jobs are very hard to find. I can't look too far or too often due to the $5 a week for gas situation. 

I have been looking into job training in hopes of learning a trade but even that seems scary because he will not like it.

Most jobs do not offer health benefits right now.

Separation and divorce are definitely in the future....alimony and child support while court ordered cannot be counted on. Husband #1 never paid a dime. My youngest child is 16 and home-schooled.

So I should (1) get a job, (2) get legal help and (3) get a separation/divorce? In that order?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I lived with a man who was as financially controlling as your husband I would have gotten a job. 

I suggest that you do this for starters. It will completely change the dynamics of your relationship.

Do this first. Then decide what you want to do from there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Learning_to_Live said:


> Separation and divorce are definitely in the future....alimony and child support while court ordered cannot be counted on. Husband #1 never paid a dime. My youngest child is 16 and home-schooled.
> 
> So I should (1) get a job, (2) get legal help and (3) get a separation/divorce? In that order?


Smart lady  Yes! And good for you for not counting on the child support. My ex has never paid a dime either!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Learning_to_Live said:


> Thanks everyone for replying. As for getting a job I do not have any job skills or work history that put me at any kind of advantage. I live in a small town in GA where jobs are very hard to find. I can't look too far or too often due to the $5 a week for gas situation.
> 
> I have been looking into job training in hopes of learning a trade but even that seems scary because he will not like it.
> 
> ...


Do you have any friends or relatives near you? 


Get in touch with a battered woman's organization. Unless you two have no money at all left over after all bill are paid, you are being abused, it's called economic abuse. They can help you find a job.

You have allowed this to go on for 19 years. If you had stood up to him to start with it would not have gone on for this long. If you do not want to continue living like then then you have to do the hard work. You need to not care if he gets upset and do what you need to. 

Also check with the churches in your area. There are things you can do to get help.

Perhaps it's time for your child to go no longer be home schooled so that you can get out and get a job.

How far do you live from stores, churches and other places where you could get a job? 

You have run a household and home schooled your children. You have job skills. the trick is to know how to word a resume to put these things forth as job skills. Search the internet for resume example for women in your situation.

Look at your local schools for financial aid opportunities.


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## 日本顎の恋人 (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm taking this info from another board. I'm new and have yet to read the FAQ _(I'll do it - I'll do it  )_ about posting links to other boards. These are the tips some have posted in response to anyone thinking about leaving their spouse (not all of it might be applicable in your case)

If you are leaving the house take with you:

1. Anything you can't replace - photos, heirlooms, jewelry, etc.

2. Copies of your joint tax returns for the last 7 years

3. Copies of his pay stubs and his work information - you may need this for child support/alimony

4. Make sure you have all your health insurance info.

5. All your important papers - driver's license, passport, marriage certificate, social security card, title to your car, etc. are with you. Ditto the information for the kids.

6. At least a week's worth of clothes including underwear and sleepwear, and several pairs of shoes. This is where a friend to help you becomes useful. Two cars means rescuing a lot more stuff.

7. If he has any credit cards under your name take him off them ASAP. See what you can do to any joint accounts, but don't take more than half the money. Make sure you have an account he can't get at.

8. Anything super meaningful to your child(ren). Special toy, doll, book, etc.

9. Prescription drugs, glasses including spares, contacts.

10. If you have a joint email account, get your own. For safety's sake change the password on your email account.

11. Cell phone(s). If you are on a family plan with him on it, drop him, or get your own plan, depending on whose name it is in. If cost is a concern, buy a "disposable" pre-paid phone, like Tracfone or Boost. They are only a few dollars each month outside the initial cost of the phone.

12. Get your name off utilities, cable, landline phone, etc. 

13. Make photocopies of all important papers and credit cards and stash them somewhere SAFE, not in the house, so you will at least have the basic info if he gets a hold of them.

14. Clear your history, cookies, bookmarks, etc. on your computer if you are leaving it behind so he can't track you with that.

15. If you have kids, make sure their schools know about the divorce, so they can prepare for any nasty confrontations that may ensue. Also make sure the emergency contact info is up-to-date.

One thing I've read, not included on this list, is to see several lawyers in your area. Some of them operate on a "first consultation is free" basis. If you've spoken to them, even if you don't decide to use their services, he can't. 

I'd be hesitant to believe the "he doesn't make much money" crap, unless you've personally seen his paycheck. 

You've been married 19 years and have raised a gaggle of his kids, some not biologically yours? SEE A LAWYER. Some men think that a woman in your vulnerable position (SAHM, no income of your own) would be afraid to step out of line for fear that they will make their situation worse. Check out the services of your Domestic Abuse facilities. They may provide guidance. Something that is very-very important; I might be repeating one of the suggestions above, but it is critical: CLEAR YOUR CACHE, COOKIES AND HISTORY FROM THIS SITE. Don't allow your password to be stored by the computer. You don't want to alert him to your thoughts of getting out until you have some things gathered to support your effort.

Blessings and Luck to you. Men like your husband don't deserve mates and children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The above post is very good. Which brings to mind that you need an exit plan. Even if you are not leaving him in the end you need an exit plan... just incase he gets mean, violent, etc when you start job hunting and gaining more independence.

Search the internet for "abuse exit plan". They list things very much like the post above and more.

Start getting copies of everything financial, legal etc paper you can find in the house and store them in a safe place... like a friend or family member's house. If you do not have anywhere to store them create a free gmail account. Scan the in. Then create a draft email for each document and load it as an attachment to the draft email. That will keep your documents stored and in a safe place.

Move all valuables that are yours out of the house, store them somewhere else.

Take anything that will go unnoticed and sell them. This will give you some pocket change... maybe gas money to go look for a job.

A domestic abuse center would help you refine this exit plan list for your situation.

If you file for divorce, file for interim spousal and child support. Taht would give you money of your own to help with your job search and/or to get into a training program.

HOw old are you by the way?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and if you are trying to protect your password.. never type it in.. Instead have a file that has many words in it... copy paste the letters from this file for your passwords. Thus you never use your keyboard to type out a password.


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## Learning_to_Live (Jul 27, 2012)

EleGirl I am 53 years old. I have tried to find work but have not had any luck so far. My husband is glad that I am trying to find a job. He says that we will work together but I know better. All throughout this marriage what has been mine has been his. I entered this marriage with a career, a car, a credit rating and a checking account. Now I don't have any of these things including my health. 

In some ways I feel as though I have been asleep for most of these years. Just going through the motions and then I suddenly woke up.

This has all been excellent advice. But I am sure you will understand if I tell you that I am scared and I am very sad that I have wasted 2 decades of my life with this selfish man. My heart is broken on so many levels but I am determined to do what I can for myself from now on.


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## Learning_to_Live (Jul 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> See a lawyer, get legal aid, whatever, but serve him with divorce papers. Do you really want to grow old with this guy???


Sadly, the answer is a definite NO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Learning_to_Live said:


> EleGirl I am 53 years old. I have tried to find work but have not had any luck so far. My husband is glad that I am trying to find a job. He says that we will work together but I know better. All throughout this marriage what has been mine has been his. I entered this marriage with a career, a car, a credit rating and a checking account. Now I don't have any of these things including my health.
> 
> In some ways I feel as though I have been asleep for most of these years. Just going through the motions and then I suddenly woke up.
> 
> This has all been excellent advice. But I am sure you will understand if I tell you that I am scared and I am very sad that I have wasted 2 decades of my life with this selfish man. My heart is broken on so many levels but I am determined to do what I can for myself from now on.


Of course I understand. But right now you need people to help you see what is out there for you. And that means some tough love from us all.

I'm 63. I get the age issue. 

I finished my college degree when I was 32. Since then I have had a 31 year career as a software engineer. Who would have thunk I would end up doing that? Not me... 

When I was finishing up my degree I took a Physical Ed class. And to my surprise one of my classmates was the 55 year old mother of my first boyfriend, Maria. She had started to work on her degree when she was 52. She had never had a job before as she was a SAHM who raised 8 children. She was the darling of the class... all of the young girls loved her.. as did I.

A few years later I was at the legal aid office to help a friend out. And guess who was the office manager? Yep Maria. By then she was 60 something. She had started the job as an intern before she completed her degree so she was well into a new career by then.

Just some inspiration for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Learning_to_Live said:


> Sadly, the answer is a definite NO.


Then start the process. No more excuses. Today is the first day of your taking charge of your happiness!!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, getting your name on the utilities could be pretty easy. 

I got a divorce in 1996. My husband's name was on all our utilities and I did not want to have to pay deposits when I took over the house and utilities. So I called the utilities and at my simple request they added my name on the accounts. So then all of my husband's years of history with them became me history as well. It worked out great.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Some utility companies will do that but some are totally anal about ONLY the person whose name they have on file being allowed to make ANY changes. 

Something I ran into when I kicked my cheating husband out was that the bank wouldn't take his name off of our joint account on just my say so. I would have had to take MY name off of it and open up a totally new one. So I would have lost all my banking privileges for having that account for almost 30 years  Thankfully it never became an issue, but that would have sucked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Some utility companies will do that but some are totally anal about ONLY the person whose name they have on file being allowed to make ANY changes.
> 
> Something I ran into when I kicked my cheating husband out was that the bank wouldn't take his name off of our joint account on just my say so. I would have had to take MY name off of it and open up a totally new one. So I would have lost all my banking privileges for having that account for almost 30 years  Thankfully it never became an issue, but that would have sucked.


My recent experience with bank accounts is that if you want to get one person off a bank account, both of you have to go and sign papers. The person being taken off has to sign something saying they agree and the person keeping the account has to sign new signature cards, etc. This was a BOA and WellsFargo in New Mexico and California.

If your (generic you here) name is on a joint account, you can use it as reference for opening up a new account in your name only. Then tell your spouse that you are closing the joint account or what your name off it. If they will not go with you to take your name off it.. then go close it down. 

a joint account can be closed by only of of the signers on the account.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Learning to Live; 
The gas thing bothers me; it's not that he doesn't know how much costs these days, but is it rather to keep you near? 

Get to the library and read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. **Keep it in another book cover so he doesn't know what your reading.**


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I read that book to start because boy was i so confused, then i started seeing the light, it was like a jigsaw puzzle, then the last book i read was "Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move on"


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> I read that book to start because boy was i so confused, then i started seeing the light, it was like a jigsaw puzzle, then the last book i read was "Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move on"


I'll have to find that one. I'm learning so much on TAM.

And yes, I too was confused what my controlling husband was doing until I read that book. I always thought he was jelous and I could help him. If I just did (blank) things will get better. 
Not the case. The rules would just change. At my expense.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Learning to Live:
What was the reason for him not having you on his health insurance?
Are the kids on his insurance??


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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