# Vasectomy againt my wishes, I want more kids!



## InGodsHands

hi,

I've been married to my husband for over 14 years and have 2 beautiful daughters but wish to have 1 or 2 more kids(praying for a son but will be happy with girl to). The problem is my husband had gone behind my back after our second daughter and gotten a vasectomy. We both grew up in America, and came from non religious Muslim families. We are not 100% practicing Muslims but we try to do the best we can. I have stepped up since I realized I needed to give my daughters an Islamic education and enrolled them in online classes to learn Quran, and try my best to educate them the best I can. I myself am learning since I had no proper Islamic upbringing and same goes for my husband. 

I'm in my mid 30's and wish to have more children and when I ask my husband to consider a vasectomy reversal he gets angry and states he doesn't want more children and is happy with what he has. He believes that once they leave home after college/marriage we both will still be young and can live our lives. I believe that we can still do that eventually but still want more children, we are financially secure, and can certainly afford to. 

I feel so saddened by his refusal, and also feel that I've given up so much in this relationship and have suffered so much. Let me explain how, when we first met we were teenagers and decided to get married against our parents wishes, so technically we got our Nikah(Islamic wedding oath) done and eloped to where he was moving for work. He and I were working when a few years later I got pregnant, but he didn't want the child because he thought we weren't ready but I decided to keep the baby and he got angry because I went against his plans. After the baby was born both our families got over their anger and accepted up especially his side of the family because my family accepted us as soon as we did the Nikah and even wanted to have a wedding ceremony but my husband refused to attend the ceremony because he didn't want to upset his parents anymore. 
His parents were hoping that their son would enjoy me and than leave me but since I had the baby and kept it they realized he was stuck with me so that is why they decided to accept me. And they didn't accept me until the baby was born in hopes that I might miscarry, or someone the baby wont make it. 

Although we had a love marriage, I haven't had one special occasion where my husband and I were happy and celebrated any milestone in our life. No wedding ceremony because he was a coward to stand up to his parents and demand respect for me, nor was he happy when he heard about our child coming into this world, and always blamed me for tricking him into having the child w/o his consent. After a few years we planned our 2nd child so our first child can have a sibling, and then he got a vasectomy w/o my consent. 

Its been almost 10 years since his vasectomy and I've been for many years pleading and giving him hints that I want another child but he brushes it off. I'm in my 30s and feel that the urge to have more children and want to know if I'm being unreasonable or if he is? 

I also feel that I've suffered so much in this relationship or had any happy moments together w/o fights and arguments and feel that I've made so many compromises already. I feel that everything has been a battle with him and feel why this man wont be happy for any of these joyous occasions in our life? 

Right now, we are arguing or on no speaking terms while living under the same roof. I don't want to regret not having another child, and I feel that I've made many compromises already that I also deserve happiness. 

It is sad but I'm even contemplating leaving him to be with someone who shares my views and wants children. Of course that's just a thought and I wouldn't do it because of the sake of my kids. But I sure feel that the love has slowly disappeared between us, and only resentments have taken its place. I love my children and they make me so happy that I want more, maybe its because they take my mind of all the other oppression and depression I suffered. 

I also love my husband but feel torn by his decisions and when I look back at all the times he never stood by me after our Nikah and at all those special occasions where we could have been happy for us rather than giving me suggestions to abort my baby b/c he wasn't ready. 
All this makes me even wonder if he ever even loved me or if he just wanted to use me and leave me like his parents had wished. 

Please advise me in this situation because I'm depressed and have no one to talk to because I cant ask anyone for help in the matter because it was my own decision to marry him. 

thanks


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## CallaLily

What are you getting from the marriage exactly? Why do you even want more kids with someone who didn't even want the first baby to begin with, and got a vasectomy after the second one without you knowing. And the fact he blamed you for getting pregnant without his consent? Really? Last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. Or were you on no birth control and didn't tell him? 

If it were me, I would divorce him. I wouldn't stay in a situation where there seems to be so much deceit.
Maybe you can find you some one who wants kids and then you can marry someone else and have more kids if its what you really want.


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## BrockLanders

I think you should spell out all you've told us to him. If your relationship is rocky already excluding the desire for more children, you can't blame the man for not wanting to have more kids. A new child is not going to fix anything, more likely it will cause more problems for you guys at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.?

Honestly, this is a very complicated situation. But I think both of you are being selfish. No one should walk around feeling entitled to anything because of what you choose to sacrifice. You married a man that cares for you and your two children. Be thankful for what you have and expound on that. Don't live in the darkness of regretting something that you wish you had. A child can't fix your marriage and certainly doesn't fix you. 
Take a good moment and try to figure out why it's so important for you to have another child? Then think about what kind of situation will you bring the child into if it has a resentful parent? Think about how much more frustrating your situation will be?
This is just my humble opinion. I hope you recieve it in the spirit of humility and respect.


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## Jamison

Were having children discussed before marriage? He didn't want the first one and had a secret vasectomy after the second. Doesn't sound much like he wanted kids to begin with. 

You also stated you feel you have given up so much and suffered so much in the relationship. So what is your pay off for staying? If its for the kids, you're not doing them any favors by staying. Its teaching them that this is how a marriage should be, and its not how it should be.


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## InGodsHands

thanks for all your posts and I appreciate all the advice given to me. All I can say is that its not that easy in my culture to get a divorce and move on. It can affect the children's lives and that would make us both selfish. I just wish for us to come to an understanding.


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## PBear

Is there any chance he was concerned about you arranging to get pregnant "against his wishes"? He has limited control over the situation...

Scratch that... I re-read your post and you specifically mention this was in his head. Why does he think that you "tricked him"?

C


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## Bobby5000

There may be some other issues, but after two children, I don't think a man should be forced to take on the responsibility of more. I think it makes more sense to address the underlying problems in the marriage than to have more children to distract from them. He will be dealing with substantial college costs shortly. 

You wrote, "although we had a love marriage, I haven't had one special occasion where my husband and I were happy and celebrated any milestone in our life." That's a perfectly reasonable request. Do note men do better with a compliment sandwich before and after a suggestion rather than just letting loose a torrent of criticism and disappointment after saying this is how I feel.


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## JustHer

InGodsHands, I truly sympathize with you and your desire to have more children. Unfortunately, and I am not an expert, since 10 years has passed since his V, even if he got a reversal, there is a high chance it would not work.

You need to focus on what you have. I know this is hard when you have such a strong desire to have more children but this is what you have to do if you are going to be happy.

Focus on the two beautiful girls that you have. If you love your husband, focus on that. Show him and tell him how much you appreciate what he has done for you. Live in the now, each day find what is good about it. You must let go of the resentment and replace it with appreciation.

Again, I know this is hard, but if you don't do this you will destroy the life you have.


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## Cosmos

> Although we had a love marriage, I haven't had one special occasion where my husband and I were happy and celebrated any milestone in our life. No wedding ceremony because he was a coward to stand up to his parents and demand respect for me, nor was he happy when he heard about our child coming into this world, and always blamed me for tricking him into having the child w/o his consent. After a few years we planned our 2nd child so our first child can have a sibling, and then he got a vasectomy w/o my consent.


If neither of you were using contraception, it shouldn't have come as a surprise to your H when you became pregnant with your first child. However, you mention him saying that you "tricked" him and became pregnant without his consent... How does he substantiate this? 

Whilst I can't condone an H having a vasectomy without discussing it beforehand with his W, it does sound that you and your H are on two different pages regarding children, and this is something that you should have discussed and agreed before marriage... 

I suppose the only compromise here is for you to accept that despite your H not wanting children, you do in fact have 2 of them (his 'compromise'), and for you to now accept that he doesn't want any more children (your 'compromise').

As divorce is, apparently, out of the question, I don't see any other options here.


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## toonaive

The odds of a reversal being successful after 7 years goes down dramatically. The possible complications go up. Wish I had never had mine done.


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