# Financial Inequality



## shutterfly07 (Apr 3, 2021)

Looking for some unbiased opinions here, please please help!!
Husband and I have been living together for about six years, married for almost two of those. I’ve been the primary earner for the last five years, sometimes working two jobs to fill income gaps and cover our expenses, as well as absorbing some of husbands debt to help him get his head above water and improve his credit score. 
Over the last year, we have finally built a small savings due to stimulus payments and my working all through covid. Husband is currently not working and is collecting unemployment due to being on covid related furlough from his employer for the second time. He shared with me that he wanted to build a PC, an undertaking of roughly $2000. I told him I was uncomfortable with him making that kind of purchase while he was not working a stable job, and we don’t know if or when he will return. He went on to start purchasing all of the parts for the PC anyway, without telling me until after the fact. We have had several serious issues with our house over the last few years, and I was hoping to address them once things settled down post-covid, but he has now put a massive dent in our savings. Am I the unreasonable one here? I’ve read about “financial bullies” in relationships but I just don’t know if that applies to me in this situation, as I have always been very lenient with all of his spending, and generally I don’t involve myself in what he spends his money on. But I’m really upset that he did this even after I told him how I felt about it, and even worse, makes me feel like the bad guy because I’m not supportive or excited about what he’s doing. 
Please help me get some perspective!


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

As a couple your monetary outlooks clearly don't align, its tricky because you can't control him. However, why should you allow him to spend your money without consulting and getting your agreement. 

I dont believe the respective incomes are the only factors at play, if he does more of the home making while you work, you need to consider that too.

But, from what you've described, he's gone behind your back to get what he wants and **** the consequences 

D move imo


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Hmmm...if he spent marital funds after discussing concerns that effect the both of you, then he is in yhe wrong. I think he needs to mature a bit and consider the both of you.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

shutterfly07 said:


> Looking for some unbiased opinions here, please please help!!
> Husband and I have been living together for about six years, married for almost two of those. I’ve been the primary earner for the last five years, sometimes working two jobs to fill income gaps and cover our expenses, as well as absorbing some of husbands debt to help him get his head above water and improve his credit score.
> Over the last year, we have finally built a small savings due to stimulus payments and my working all through covid. Husband is currently not working and is collecting unemployment due to being on covid related furlough from his employer for the second time. He shared with me that he wanted to build a PC, an undertaking of roughly $2000. I told him I was uncomfortable with him making that kind of purchase while he was not working a stable job, and we don’t know if or when he will return. He went on to start purchasing all of the parts for the PC anyway, without telling me until after the fact. We have had several serious issues with our house over the last few years, and I was hoping to address them once things settled down post-covid, but he has now put a massive dent in our savings. Am I the unreasonable one here? I’ve read about “financial bullies” in relationships but I just don’t know if that applies to me in this situation, as I have always been very lenient with all of his spending, and generally I don’t involve myself in what he spends his money on. But I’m really upset that he did this even after I told him how I felt about it, and even worse, makes me feel like the bad guy because I’m not supportive or excited about what he’s doing.
> Please help me get some perspective!


Simple, create 3 sets of accounts, 1 set for your spending/saving 1 for his and for the household. Household is for basic expenses like mortgage utilities food etc. with a joint savings for things like major house repairs vacations etc. And you both contribute enough to cover that budget. Then individual spending/savings you each fund out of your own personal income for your own discretionary spending. SO he would have to use the household money allocated to his accounts for a 2k PC. 2K is a hefty price for a self build PC unless he is doing high level 3D rendering or video editing. Thats about what my sons PC cost and he plays video games professionally.


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## shutterfly07 (Apr 3, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Simple, create 3 sets of accounts, 1 set for your spending/saving 1 for his and for the household. Household is for basic expenses like mortgage utilities food etc. with a joint savings for things like major house repairs vacations etc. And you both contribute enough to cover that budget. Then individual spending/savings you each fund out of your own personal income for your own discretionary spending. SO he would have to use the household money allocated to his accounts for a 2k PC. 2K is a hefty price for a self build PC unless he is doing high level 3D rendering or video editing. Thats about what my sons PC cost and he plays video games professionally.


For sure. I think mistake number one was never really creating a shared “house expense” account, he just sends me money whenever he gets paid. And now it’s too late to even those fields, since the major purchases have been made. But I do think this is a great approach moving forward, thank you!


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## shutterfly07 (Apr 3, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> As a couple your monetary outlooks clearly don't align, its tricky because you can't control him. However, why should you allow him to spend your money without consulting and getting your agreement.
> 
> I dont believe the respective incomes are the only factors at play, if he does more of the home making while you work, you need to consider that too.
> 
> ...


Yes, I guess it bears mentioning that he has spent most of his days sleeping and/or playing video games during his unemployment. He is currently doing online classes, but they are never finished when I come home from work.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

What is he doing to get off of unemployment and find another, possibly better job (besides taking online courses that he may or may not finish)?

I’m sorry, but it sounds like you married an immature, unmotivated, undisciplined man. He should be out, busting his ass trying to find another job. Or at the very least, he should be using this unemployment time to be making himself better, working out, getting things done/fixed/upgraded around the house, projects, etc.

I hate to say it, but if you don’t have kids you may want to seriously consider if you really want to spend the rest of your life with an non-driven man who isn’t leading, where you need to be both wife and mother?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

My wife left a job once because she was being bullied, I told her fine, I will support us while you get another job.

For 3 months she acted like she was still at work, just without the working and filling the time with watching TV. 

I worked 12 hour shifts back then, I walked in to no food prepared, the house was a state, and no jobs applied for. This happened only twice, because after the second, I told her to pack up and get out! I wasn't going to be someone's free meal ticket through life.

Don't let someone take advantage of you, you are high value and deserve to be treated as such. Dont settle for a unmotivated sponger. I guarantee you can do better. 

Ps I'm still with her, the reality check was all she needed


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sounds to me like you have a little boy instead of a husband. Children do what feels good, adults take responsibility and share equally in the household. Next thing you know, you'll be giving him an allowance.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It sounds like he was always bad with money. Perhaps you two can take a financial literacy class together & make some budgets. I think Dave Ramsey has one I'm not endorsing that one per se but sending you there as a place to start your research. 

Finances cause more divorce then infidelity. You need to get on the same page.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If he wants to be that irresponsible and disrespectful I would split my finances from his. And please do not pay his debt!! It’s not yours to pay. 
Stop enabling him, stop letting him walk all over you. You work hard, you should be able to do whatever you want with your money and that’s not paying off his bad decisions... which are not only in the past they are current.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

shutterfly07 said:


> Yes, I guess it bears mentioning that he has spent most of his days sleeping and/or playing video games during his unemployment. He is currently doing online classes, but they are never finished when I come home from work.


He’s dead weight. I would establish really firm boundaries ASAP.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

He spent two grand on something that wasn't needed while he doesn't have a job. Plus he did it after you guys talked about it. 

Have you thought about this, you have proven that you are ride or die. He lost his job, you stood by him. Good on you. However based on his actions I doubt he'd be as supportive of you. 

If a relationship gets to the point where one person feels like the other is just dead weight that's a problem, sounds like you might be there.


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