# Boundaries and kids



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I feel like I'm always trying to do what's best for the kids. Unfortunately since I'm the only one doing this I often get taken advantage of at walked on by my ex. For example 3 weeks ago I was invited to dinner and it would have made me late so I texted ex to see if he minded. He said he ha plans so I didn't go. Last Friday I had a horrible migraine (1st one in 2 years) and he was off for 5 days between jobs. I texted and asked if he could keep the kids. No response and he dropped them off so he could go hiking. Then Sunday he texts me and says he has a date can I pick the kids up at 5 instead of 6. I did. No problem. Tuesday I had a court hearing at 3 and our youngest woke up vomiting. I texted him to ask if he could help out as I can't leave a sick kid with a sitter. No response. Then Wednesday night at 9:30 pm he texts me saying how he has to go into work now at 7:45 and doesn't know how he's going to her the kids to school. I texted back and said "I'm sorry, hope you figure it out". He comes back texting all sorts of horrible things about how I'm being mean because he has a girlfriend blah blah blah. I explained that because his help is never reciprocated I will no longer be bending over backwards for him. Especially when he knew all week that this would be the case. Long story short I caved because I felt guilty. 

I know doing more than he deserves and I need to art some boundaries. What is appropriate to help with and what isn't? Where do you draw the line?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not divorced so take my advice with a grain of salt.

First assume he isn't going to help you out and quit asking him. Stop asking questions you already know the answer to.

Secondly they are your kids but I'd still treat this the same as I would as giving with expectations. Take each request from him on a case by case basis. Take 10 seconds and evaluate. If you're not busy and you don't mind having the kids simply say yes. If you're busy and can't say no. If on this day it's going to piss you off because you've done too much already then say no.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Don't say no and then cave in, stand strong on your decisions.
Don't engage in conversation about why you won't be helping him out, simply say yes if you can and no if you can't.

I see my brother going through this continually, it is a no win situation with an ex that won't give but finds it easy to take. Stand firm from today onwards but don't antagonise him.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Let him figure it out himself. If it is planned in advance I will help out the ex, if not he's on his own. I, like you, have had a couple of emergencies and the ex hasn't been helpful, so I give him the same regard. To be fair, if it's advanced notice he will help out, too. So I guess our boundaries are no help in a pinch but help with advanced notice.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I told him Thursday morning that I would only be helping the one time. He tried to convince me to do it on a regular basis. I kindly told him no and offered him several solutions that he could manage to get the kids to school and still get to work on time. If he contacts me with another "emergency" I will likely not respond at all as he does me


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

My advice is to keep to the agreed-upon schedule, with perhaps a couple trade-offs when it doesn't inconvenience you too much. This is what I push when STBX tries changing up the schedule. And yes, he tells the kids mommy said they can't come back a day early, and I tell them I'm just keeping it fair so they get to spend equal time with both of us.


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