# Making sense with a drunk ex



## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

I finally left my drunk ex last December 21. On that day he had been drunk for 8 days straight and fell down the stairs. I called an ambulance because he was bleeding profusely. The first responders were police officer who arrested me because, in his drunk state, he said I pushed him down the stairs and attacked him with a bottle. The charges were dropped but I never went back.
We had a business together, I tried to keep it going but realized that I was doing all the work and he was doing all the drinking for half the money I was making. So I stopped that relationship too.
For a few months I felt sorry for him, so continued to do his billing and accounting reports, but when he was more drunk than sober and could not provide me with the documentation I needed, I stopped that too.
On March 27 I sent him one final email telling him that not only is the personal relationship over (that was told to him over and over again in calls, texts and emails) but so was the business relationship. I did it in an email because, as a drunk, he has a tendency to forget what I say. I then blocked his number so I am not getting his texts or calls but he can still leave me voicemails.
I don't know what triggered him yesterday as I have not had any contact with him since March 27, but he has left many voicemails, none of them very nice.
I am trying really hard not to respond in any way. I know that I was an enabler and continued to be after the end of the relationship, always trying to help to make sure he had a good handle on the company which I gave him my shares of.
I don't know how long I am supposed to let him continue to verbally abuse me over voicemails. I had 18 years of verbal abuse when he was drunk and I was really hoping that this would stop after the relationship ended, but it has not.
I actually don't understand what he wants from me, he has had a girlfriend since the beginning of March which he was nice enough to announce on Facebook for the world to see. I was happy for him, a bit annoyed that he had found someone so quickly, but understood that he cannot live alone and so, if he had someone other than me, he would leave me alone, but no, having a girlfriend has not stopped the abuse towards me.
I did think of getting a restraining order, but that would, in my warped mind (or his, not quite sure) be a link between us which I don't want. I can continue to not respond to his voicemails, I have been doing so for almost a month now, but it's the feeling I get when I hear the voicemails, the anger and the anguish I feel. I want to help but I know I can't. I want to call him and scream at him, but I know I can't. So I don't.
How long is this going to last? How can I get over the anger when he calls without letting it ruin my entire day. I want nothing to do with him, I have made that very clear, in writing, but he just doesn't get it.
What can I do? I'm opened to any suggestion.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Keep ignoring him. One little answer will open the floodgates and he'll harass you nonstop.

The gf probably doesn't provide much of the support you did. She's most certainly not running his business while he drinks.

If you ignore him he'll eventually stop, though he may try again in spurts. Keep your sense of humor and share this with your friends.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Keep ignoring him. One little answer will open the floodgates and he'll harass you nonstop.
> 
> The gf probably doesn't provide much of the support you did. She's most certainly not running his business while he drinks.
> 
> If you ignore him he'll eventually stop, though he may try again in spurts. Keep your sense of humor and share this with your friends.


Thank you. It takes a lot out of me to not answer his voicemails, but you are absolutely right, whenever I answered in the past it was ridiculous, he could call me 10 to 15 times in one day, the more drunk he gets, the more he calls, the more abusive the calls are.
Any tips on not letting these calls ruin my days?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Can you move?

Can you go out of state, change your phone number?

His new GF is new, but not dumb, it seems.

Then again, eve if she is willing she does not have your knowledge.

This is why your EX is still after you. 

You were his reluctant enabler, likely his last.

Unless, even the monkey on his back tires of those alky fumes and dumps soberness.

Slim chance, that man is gone, long dissolved by that hydroxl group of ethanol spirits.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DrunkEx said:


> Thank you. It takes a lot out of me to not answer his voicemails, but you are absolutely right, whenever I answered in the past it was ridiculous, he could call me 10 to 15 times in one day, the more drunk he gets, the more he calls, the more abusive the calls are.
> Any tips on not letting these calls ruin my days?


Keep your sense of humor and laugh at how ridiculous and pathetic he is.

My scumbag ex is much older then me and at 65 still wears a cheap black toupee. The rest of him is grey but he's holding on to the toupee. My friends and I call him ****ty toupee guy 🤣

Among other communication attempts he sent me a birthday card after I divorced him, then followed up with emails wanting to know why I didn't thank him.

Really? Maybe if that cheap **** had included a gift card I might have considered it, but he didn't so **** him. I'm laughing as I type this.

Share with friends and laugh at how stupid he is.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Why not block him on your phone? I mean, what need is there to have communication with him? 

If you have a legal thing you need to communicate, let your lawyer do it. If it's not legal...it's not really all that necessary, is it? Just block him and stop being his abuse release valve. 

Just so you know, it's okay to do that. And if he does not stop, I'd say print out the transcripts of the abusive voicemails, send ONE formal "cease and desist" letter demanding an end to all attempts at communication in any way, and then if he does even one more--go get a restraining order. 

If he stops--you're free to live a peaceful life! If he doesn't, you can have the judge and the police to enforce the court's order to leave you alone. It's not you being a "mean person"--it is a JUDGE who saw how he is behaving toward you and said that is not appropriate, and THE JUDGE will empower the police to enforce the judge's order.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Can you move?
> 
> Can you go out of state, change your phone number?
> 
> ...


I have moved and he doesn't know my address. After I got arrested I moved in with my son for a few weeks until I found an apartment close to my son. It is very likely my ex thinks that I am still living with my son and that's fine by me.
I thought about changing my phone number but that would be a last ditch effort as I have had the same number for over 15 years and I use it for my job.
Honestly, I did believe that after I left it would be his bottom and he would sober up, but that was not to be. I wouldn't gone back regardless, but it would've been good for him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DrunkEx said:


> Thank you. It takes a lot out of me to not answer his voicemails, but you are absolutely right, whenever I answered in the past it was ridiculous, he could call me 10 to 15 times in one day, the more drunk he gets, the more he calls, the more abusive the calls are.
> Any tips on not letting these calls ruin my days?


Remind yourself, it is not him that is calling. 

The caller is thirsty and sees his end coming.

What you hear is echoes.
Echoes of what is inevitably coming.

His landing even lower, his standing weaker.

Topple-over times will become more closely spaced.

Or, a big if, he sees his error and sobers up.

Yes, very unlikely.

He needs to be institutionalized.

Did I mention willingly?
Uh, no.


Likely, the only thing that will save him will be abject poverty.

Any enablers will pitch quarters at him.

Sad, just freaking sad.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Keep your sense of humor and laugh at how ridiculous and pathetic he is.
> 
> My scumbag ex is much older then me and at 65 still wears a cheap black toupee. The rest of him is grey but he's holding on to the toupee. My friends and I call him ****ty toupee guy 🤣
> 
> ...


You make me laugh. He is pathetic. It is very pathetic that at 55 he cannot make a meal, clean a house or do his laundry. It is also pathetic that at 55 he cannot take care of his own financial business. He is pathetic and I do hope he will let go and just forget my number.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Remind yourself, it is not him that is calling.
> 
> The caller is thirsty and sees his end coming.
> 
> ...


I know that he cannot be sent to rehab against his will (I actually did call a rehab after he sent me to jail). I don't know what will be his undoing, I know that he preferred being drunk to being with me and that is sad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DrunkEx said:


> I finally left my drunk ex last December 21. On that day he had been drunk for 8 days straight and fell down the stairs. I called an ambulance because he was bleeding profusely. The first responders were police officer who arrested me because, in his drunk state, he said I pushed him down the stairs and attacked him with a bottle. The charges were dropped but I never went back.
> We had a business together, I tried to keep it going but realized that I was doing all the work and he was doing all the drinking for half the money I was making. So I stopped that relationship too.
> For a few months I felt sorry for him, so continued to do his billing and accounting reports, but when he was more drunk than sober and could not provide me with the documentation I needed, I stopped that too.
> On March 27 I sent him one final email telling him that not only is the personal relationship over (that was told to him over and over again in calls, texts and emails) but so was the business relationship. I did it in an email because, as a drunk, he has a tendency to forget what I say. I then blocked his number so I am not getting his texts or calls but he can still leave me voicemails.
> ...


You can block him from your phone number, and that's what you should do. If it's a cellphone, download a free app like Hiya and it will block numbers if you want it to. If it's on your home phone or office phone, depending on the provider, most of them provide you a way to block a certain number of phone calls. Like 
AT&T it's 100 phone calls. All you need to do is access your phone features and sign in and use them. If it's someone else who provides no blocking services, call them and tell them they need to block him. I had to do it with a poor mentally ill random woman who somehow thought she knew the person at my phone number. It's simple to block people on the phone. Do it! You can also block texts if you have the right texting app. "Messages" does it that comes with most android cellphones.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> Why not block him on your phone? I mean, what need is there to have communication with him?
> 
> If you have a legal thing you need to communicate, let your lawyer do it. If it's not legal...it's not really all that necessary, is it? Just block him and stop being his abuse release valve.
> 
> ...


I did block his number but block numbers can leave voicemails.
I am keeping his voicemails in case I do get to that point where I will have to give them to the police to get a restraining order.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can block him from your phone number, and that's what you should do. If it's a cellphone, download a free app like Hiya and it will block numbers if you want it to. If it's on your home phone or office phone, depending on the provider, most of them provide you a way to block a certain number of phone calls. Like
> AT&T it's 100 phone calls. All you need to do is access your phone features and sign in and use them. If it's someone else who provides no blocking services, call them and tell them they need to block him. I had to do it with a poor mentally ill random woman who somehow thought she knew the person at my phone number. It's simple to block people on the phone. Do it! You can also block texts if you have the right texting app. "Messages" does it that comes with most android cellphones.


I do block him directly on the phone, I do not get texts, the phone does not ring and I don't even get notified that he left me a voicemail, however, when I listen to another voicemail it will tell me that I have an unread voicemail and it's him.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Remind yourself, it is not him that is calling.
> 
> The caller is thirsty and sees his end coming.
> 
> ...


I honestly had hoped that he had reached his bottom when he fell at the bottom of the stairs (pun intended) but it was not to be. He called my brother who brought him home from the hospital and, honestly, did not make the connexion between the blood on the floor and the gash on his head and then had a drink.
Sad, very sad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DrunkEx said:


> I honestly had hoped that he had reached his bottom when he fell at the bottom of the stairs (pun intended) but it was not to be. He called my brother who brought him home from the hospital and, honestly, did not make the connexion between the blood on the floor and the gash on his head and then had a drink.
> Sad, very sad.


You seem not to 'get it' !

He can no longer help himself.
He is a full-blown alcoholic.

He has been taken.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> You seem not to 'get it' !
> 
> He can no longer help himself.
> He is a full-blown alcoholic.
> ...


I do get it, it just makes me sad that he has surrendered to the alcohol and left almost everything else behind, including his sanity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DrunkEx said:


> I do get it, it just makes me sad that he has surrendered to the alcohol and left almost everything else behind, including his sanity.


Of course, it is good that you care and that you are sad.

What good person would not be?
Who enjoys a wasted life?

Maybe, only the Tavern owner.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DrunkEx said:


> I do block him directly on the phone, I do not get texts, the phone does not ring and I don't even get notified that he left me a voicemail, however, when I listen to another voicemail it will tell me that I have an unread voicemail and it's him.


Well then change your phone number. Be done with the Sea hag


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well then change your phone number. Be done with the Sea hag


If he is making threats on your life in any of those voicemails then by all means get a restraining order.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he is making threats on your life in any of those voicemails then by all means get a restraining order.


Changing the phone number will be a last ditch solution as I have been using it for work for the past 15 years or more.
As for making threats on my life, I am not sure what he said on yesterday's voicemail was a threat on my life, he said "you are dead" not "I will kill you" and he was quite drunk when he said it.
One thing in my favor is that I was really nice to the police officers who arrested me and put me in jail. One of them, particularly, a female police officer, when she drove me home with her partner to pick up clothes to move out told me "this is you chance to remake your life". She could see that I was living in hell. I went back to the police station about a month ago to thank the 2 arresting officers and the 2 officers who took me home for their compassion during this very difficult evening. I understand, they were doing their job, they had to investigate his claims even though he was drunk, and one police officer almost apologized for arresting me.
During this conversation the female police officer who had been so nice to me told me that she passes by the house from time to time, I honestly believe that they are hoping to catch him coming back from driving drunk. I don't believe his new girlfriend is home with him every day so he needs to go get the boxes of wine somehow and he will not go on foot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DrunkEx said:


> Thank you. It takes a lot out of me to not answer his voicemails, but you are absolutely right, whenever I answered in the past it was ridiculous, he could call me 10 to 15 times in one day, the more drunk he gets, the more he calls, the more abusive the calls are.
> Any tips on not letting these calls ruin my days?


Why do you listen to them? Just delete them before you hear them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Take the voicemail where he says you are dead to the police station and let them call him.

My sister was a drug addict for a long time and harassed me for years until she said the same thing on a voicemail.

I'm sure she was high when she left it.

I took it to the police station and let the deputy listen to it....he called her and told her not to contact me again and that he'd heard her message. The calls stopped after that.

I wasn't worried about her actually doing anything....she was in another state and has always had a nasty mouth. But I got tired of the phone calls.

On a side note she did eventually clean up and we reconciled, but she's my sister.

See how tough he is when he gets a call from the police. My guess is not very.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why do you listen to them? Just delete them before you hear them.


I know that. I have stopped looking at his social media, voicemails are the last frontier (for legal reasons though, just to be on the safe side, I do have to save them).
It's really a weird dynamic after 18 years, I never want to go back to him, ever, but I also don't wish him anything bad. I keep hoping that he will sound like a human being on the phone and he rarely does. I know, he's not there anymore, and it's just very sad.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Take the voicemail where he says you are dead to the police station and let them call him.
> 
> My sister was a drug addict for a long time and harassed me for years until she said the same thing on a voicemail.
> 
> ...


He doesn't care much. After he sent me to jail and I ended up having to move out because of the no contact order that was issued he continued to call me between 15 to 20 times a day. I had my criminal lawyer call him to say that I was not going to answer because I was going to breach a court order, that didn't stop him, he called anyway. I had the police tell him twice to not to contact me and he would call, and leave a voicemail that said "I know that you can't call me because of the no contact order but I won't tell anyone".
Seriously, that's how a drunk mind works, or at least his drunk mind, he needs someone to take care of him so he can drink without a care in the world and he is willing to do anything to get someone (in this case me) to do this for me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think that would constitute a threat. I wouldn't worry about the police officers. It would be up to the court. You need to let them hear those voicemails.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think that would constitute a threat. I wouldn't worry about the police officers. It would be up to the court. You need to let them hear those voicemails.


I don't want to bother the police. In mid-March I got a call from one of his client on a Saturday morning. It's someone I do work for from time to time. The client told me that my ex was supposed to be at the company in the morning and he was supposed to also call a user at home, but nothing. They tried to call him and there was a message that his phone had been disconnecter.
I am not a monster, so I called his brother to do a check, but his brother lives over an hour away so it was decided to send the police for a wellness check as we were both afraid that since he was alone (in many of his messages he said that he was alone so I thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore) and he had been leaving drunk messages for over a week, that he might have fallen again.
The police went, called me back to say he looked okay and was with a woman and that they couldn't tell me anymore since they didn't know the relationship we have. I am afraid that having empathy might have the adverse effect that the police now thinks I am a disgruntled ex-girlfriend.
I am thinking of calling the criminal lawyer and see what she thinks.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly if the only thing left to severing ties is either stop listening to his voicemails or change your phone number and you don't actually feel threatened by him, I would just forget all about him and I certainly would not be helping him out by covering his ass for clients. Just stay completely out of that. He very likely did that just to get a rise out of you and make you worry and then find out what you found out if his thinking is even that organized. Let him fall on his face because that's the only way he might ever decide to do something about himself. But if you feel threatened like he could show up and come at you with a weapon, the only thing a restraining order does is it's a piece of paper that if he breaks the rules on it then the police have to pick him up whereas they don't have to pick him up otherwise. It won't prevent him from contacting you if he's that big of a mess and if he's that drunk. 

I would think sending the clients a new phone number would be preferable. Of course if it's a public phone number then he's always going to be able to find you. Have you considered getting off of voicemail entirely? I don't even have my voicemail turned on on my cell phone but I have a answering machine on my office phone. Otherwise clients can text me. To get your voicemail turned off you probably have to call your provider. Even if you wanted to keep your same number and switch over to a digital office phone with an answering machine you could block his number from even being able to leave a message on the answering machine because it just wouldn't take his call. You'd have more control than on your cell phone. He will surely get bored with this when he stops getting any reaction out of you.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

I have severed all ties, wrote him emails to make sure he understood as talking doesn't work (he forgets in his drunkedness that I said anything). I blocked his phone so he can't text or call me but voicemails do go through. I do not engage, do not reply in any way, stop all my urges to help or tell him off (my 2 go-to emotions with him). I just wish he understood. How dense to you have to be to keep calling (I am guessing texting but I don't see those) someone who never calls you back.
I am not young, but I am not that old either. I'm 55 years old and am working really hard on myself to be happy, to be fit to be my best self. I also want to make sure that should I ever want to be in a relationship again I have taken care of my past relationship and have taken care of any resentment that I have and any hurt that I feel because of the continued verbal abuse I suffered for so many years.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> *Take the voicemail where he says you are dead to the police station and let them call him.*
> 
> My sister was a drug addict for a long time and harassed me for years until she said the same thing on a voicemail.
> 
> ...


Try to imagine what a mass shooter's breaking point was. To not only put that thought together but to have the nerve to share it means tragedy is not that far away.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DrunkEx said:


> I finally left my drunk ex last December 21. On that day he had been drunk for 8 days straight and fell down the stairs. I called an ambulance because he was bleeding profusely. The first responders were police officer who arrested me because, in his drunk state, he said I pushed him down the stairs and attacked him with a bottle. The charges were dropped but I never went back.
> We had a business together, I tried to keep it going but realized that I was doing all the work and he was doing all the drinking for half the money I was making. So I stopped that relationship too.
> For a few months I felt sorry for him, so continued to do his billing and accounting reports, but when he was more drunk than sober and could not provide me with the documentation I needed, I stopped that too.
> On March 27 I sent him one final email telling him that not only is the personal relationship over (that was told to him over and over again in calls, texts and emails) but so was the business relationship. I did it in an email because, as a drunk, he has a tendency to forget what I say. I then blocked his number so I am not getting his texts or calls but he can still leave me voicemails.
> ...





DrunkEx said:


> I finally left my drunk ex last December 21. On that day he had been drunk for 8 days straight and fell down the stairs. I called an ambulance because he was bleeding profusely. The first responders were police officer who arrested me because, in his drunk state, he said I pushed him down the stairs and attacked him with a bottle. The charges were dropped but I never went back.
> We had a business together, I tried to keep it going but realized that I was doing all the work and he was doing all the drinking for half the money I was making. So I stopped that relationship too.
> For a few months I felt sorry for him, so continued to do his billing and accounting reports, but when he was more drunk than sober and could not provide me with the documentation I needed, I stopped that too.
> On March 27 I sent him one final email telling him that not only is the personal relationship over (that was told to him over and over again in calls, texts and emails) but so was the business relationship. I did it in an email because, as a drunk, he has a tendency to forget what I say. I then blocked his number so I am not getting his texts or calls but he can still leave me voicemails.
> ...


Change your number and let him know if he needs to contact you do it through email only. Alternatively just block his number and tell him emails only. If the number is blocked he will not be able to get through to you.
You can then choose if you want to open his email or have someone else go through it. He is descending into the abyss and probably wants to take you there too as he lost his enabler.

You know what you have to do to cut all contact. Please get therapy for co-dependency.
Wishing you well on your new journey without him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DrunkEx said:


> Thank you. It takes a lot out of me to not answer his voicemails, but you are absolutely right, whenever I answered in the past it was ridiculous, he could call me 10 to 15 times in one day, the more drunk he gets, the more he calls, the more abusive the calls are.
> Any tips on not letting these calls ruin my days?


Nowadays wt


DrunkEx said:


> You make me laugh. He is pathetic. It is very pathetic that at 55 he cannot make a meal, clean a house or do his laundry. It is also pathetic that at 55 he cannot take care of his own financial business. He is pathetic and I do hope he will let go and just forget my number.


That is the plight of the alcoholic. You should join Friends and Family of Alcoholics at SoberRecovery.com just to share your story and feelings with people who have been through what you have been through. You pulled the plug and that in itself is a mighty achievement.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DrunkEx said:


> I do block him directly on the phone, I do not get texts, the phone does not ring and I don't even get notified that he left me a voicemail, however, when I listen to another voicemail it will tell me that I have an unread voicemail and it's him.





DrunkEx said:


> I don't want to bother the police. In mid-March I got a call from one of his client on a Saturday morning. It's someone I do work for from time to time. The client told me that my ex was supposed to be at the company in the morning and he was supposed to also call a user at home, but nothing. They tried to call him and there was a message that his phone had been disconnecter.
> I am not a monster, so I called his brother to do a check, but his brother lives over an hour away so it was decided to send the police for a wellness check as we were both afraid that since he was alone (in many of his messages he said that he was alone so I thought he didn't have a girlfriend anymore) and he had been leaving drunk messages for over a week, that he might have fallen again.
> The police went, called me back to say he looked okay and was with a woman and that they couldn't tell me anymore since they didn't know the relationship we have. I am afraid that having empathy might have the adverse effect that the police now thinks I am a disgruntled ex-girlfriend.
> I am thinking of calling the criminal lawyer and see what she thinks.


I can see why you were an enabler when you were with him because you are doing the same thing now. It may sound heartless but you are no longer with him, you have (supposedly) cut all ties, he has someone else in his life, yet here you are worrying about him and whether he fell, etc. 
Please get yourself some therapy to stop being a co-dependent. He didn't give a damn about your 18 years together and simply moved onto someone else. That is the alcoholic, they are selfish a*holes. The fact that he got you arrested and continues to harass you, says it all. 
If you no longer have a financial interest in the business, if it goes under due to his incompetency due to drunkenness, this is also not your problem.
You have to let go completely, he himself must live with the consequences of his drinking, that is not your monkey to carry. I am sure you have already spent years picking up all the slack he left and covering for him. You are free of all of that, now start believing and acting on it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Time to let go of any sympathy, care, worry and guilt (especially guilt!) and give that to yourself now, you’ve come so far.

Switch off, life is to be lived! Congratulations on coming this far!

You know what you can do about this, you know exactly how to stop this.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

aine said:


> Change your number and let him know if he needs to contact you do it through email only. Alternatively just block his number and tell him emails only. If the number is blocked he will not be able to get through to you.
> You can then choose if you want to open his email or have someone else go through it. He is descending into the abyss and probably wants to take you there too as he lost his enabler.
> 
> You know what you have to do to cut all contact. Please get therapy for co-dependency.
> Wishing you well on your new journey without him.


I have blocked his number but voicemails still go through. However, I have not told him that I blocked his number, I didn't see the point. I am trying my best to not only ignore him but ignore any effect his voicemails have on my peace of mind. You are right about the co-dependency therapy, I will do so.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Time to let go of any sympathy, care, worry and guilt (especially guilt!) and give that to yourself now, you’ve come so far.
> 
> Switch off, life is to be lived! Congratulations on coming this far!
> 
> You know what you can do about this, you know exactly how to stop this.


Thank you. I know what to do, and so far I have done it and am just hoping that the only way he still has to contact me, voicemails, will be few and far between and just stop.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

aine said:


> I can see why you were an enabler when you were with him because you are doing the same thing now. It may sound heartless but you are no longer with him, you have (supposedly) cut all ties, he has someone else in his life, yet here you are worrying about him and whether he fell, etc.
> Please get yourself some therapy to stop being a co-dependent. He didn't give a damn about your 18 years together and simply moved onto someone else. That is the alcoholic, they are selfish a*holes. The fact that he got you arrested and continues to harass you, says it all.
> If you no longer have a financial interest in the business, if it goes under due to his incompetency due to drunkenness, this is also not your problem.
> You have to let go completely, he himself must live with the consequences of his drinking, that is not your monkey to carry. I am sure you have already spent years picking up all the slack he left and covering for him. You are free of all of that, now start believing and acting on it.


You are absolutely right, I remind myself, everytime he leaves me a voice mail since I blocked his number, that it is no longer my problem. Helping him is a hard habit to break, however, after reading on this thread I feel stronger and will remind myself that I am now free, he is not my problem, if his life goes down the drain at least it will not be taking me with him. Thank you.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

aine said:


> Nowadays wt
> 
> That is the plight of the alcoholic. You should join Friends and Family of Alcoholics at SoberRecovery.com just to share your story and feelings with people who have been through what you have been through. You pulled the plug and that in itself is a mighty achievement.


Thank you for the website, will definitely look into it.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Now I am really at a loss. He left me a voicemail again where he is threatening to call my boss (who he has known for years) because I am refusing to call him back for what he calls "professional questions" he has. He didn't sound completely sober, I already sent him an email on March 27 which had for subject : "End of professional relationship" (there was also an email on January 1 where I told him I was never coming back). I need help deciding what to do:
1. Nothing as I have no clue what he would be calling my boss for
2. Simply resend the email I already sent him on March 27
3. Send him a new email (with the old one) to tell him that should he not stop calling me I will have no choice but to press harassment charges against him
4. Call a lawyer
To be honest option 3 is my least favorite as I think that would just be adding fuel to his fire. My favorite option would be to do nothing, but I get the feeling that the more I do nothing the more he will be harassing me.
Any help with this would be greatly appreciated


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Do nothing as far as contacting him that's only playing right into his hands. 

You could consider giving your boss a heads up but you might be better off doing nothing especially if your job is fairly secure.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Trident said:


> Do nothing as far as contacting him that's only playing right into his hands.
> 
> You could consider giving your boss a heads up but you might be better off doing nothing especially if your job is fairly secure.


I did think about giving my boss a heads up, however, if my ex does nothing than I sound like the crazy one as no one knows that he is a drunk (I covered very well over the years - my bad !)
And you are right, I guess he is just trying anything he can think of to force me to call him
If he does call my boss, what is he going to say, my ex doesn't refuses to talk to me? I highly doubt my boss cares.
Although, I have to say that the idea to call a lawyer is something I am thinking about although the cost is what is stopping me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@DrunkEx 

1) Speak with your current boss. Let him/her know the situation and that a call "may" be coming. That way, your boss can essentially shut down his attempt to intimidate you. 

2) Get the restraining order. You really NEED to have someone other than yourself restrain him. It is not your job to make him behave in a mature, adult, sober way, but if he will not choose that for himself, it IS a judge's job to keep you safe from his threats and attempts to intimidate you. 

Doing nothing = avoidance. You need to do something. Just go to a judge, talk about the voicemails, bring up the one that say "you're dead" and this one especially, and let someone who is not codependent on this alcoholic determine if it warrants societal protection. I personally believe it does--but clearly your instinct on this matter is clouded by your codependence.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @DrunkEx
> 
> 1) Speak with your current boss. Let him/her know the situation and that a call "may" be coming. That way, your boss can essentially shut down his attempt to intimidate you.
> 
> ...


I don't think he will call my boss, he will be a fool if he does, what is he going to tell him "she won't return my calls" my boss doesn't care.
I will be contating a lawyer to find out what my rights are and how to get an order for him to stop harassing me, you are right, I should not deal with this alone.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DrunkEx said:


> I don't think he will call my boss, he will be a fool if he does, what is he going to tell him "she won't return my calls" my boss doesn't care.


People who are alcoholics are not exactly thinking wisely OR rationally! Thus I'm not sure I'd say he's a fool, but he clearly is not in a "clear and sober" state of mind. So in his drunken state, even if it's functional drunkenness, the way he sees it may be pretty foolish! Probably something like this: "I'll call her boss and tell him/her that she just left me high and dry with my business..." (or some other made-up concoction to hurt you or your professional reputation).

This is why you do need a restraining order. All along he's had the choice to stop doing the wrong thing (drinking) and start doing the right thing (sober up), and he hasn't chose that. All along he's had the option to leave you alone and carry on with his own life on his own terms doing whatever it is he wants to do, and he has not chosen that. Instead he has chosen to continue to harrass you, blame you, threaten you, and disturb your peace.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> People who are alcoholics are not exactly thinking wisely OR rationally! Thus I'm not sure I'd say he's a fool, but he clearly is not in a "clear and sober" state of mind. So in his drunken state, even if it's functional drunkenness, the way he sees it may be pretty foolish! Probably something like this: "I'll call her boss and tell him/her that she just left me high and dry with my business..." (or some other made-up concoction to hurt you or your professional reputation).
> 
> This is why you do need a restraining order. All along he's had the choice to stop doing the wrong thing (drinking) and start doing the right thing (sober up), and he hasn't chose that. All along he's had the option to leave you alone and carry on with his own life on his own terms doing whatever it is he wants to do, and he has not chosen that. Instead he has chosen to continue to harrass you, blame you, threaten you, and disturb your peace.


As I am dealing with a drunk who doesn't remember from one minute to the next what was said or done, won't it just escalade matters for him. There was a non contact order in December and yet he kept asking me to call him back, even though my lawyer, the police, and his brother had all told him that if I did get in touch with him I could be sent back to jail.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This guy told the cops you'd pushed him down the stairs and had you arrested. I'm not sure I'd put anything past him. 

Tell your boss that your ex seems to not be handling the split all that well and that he's been leaving you lots of somewhat threatening messages. Tell your boss you just wanted him to know in case he gets any odd calls from your ex. 

And go see an attorney.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop covering for this scumbag and tell your boss what's going on.

Tell all of your friends and family...they might not be as surprised as you think. People suspect things but often don't want to stick their noses in uninvited.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Rowan said:


> This guy told the cops you'd pushed him down the stairs and had you arrested. I'm not sure I'd put anything past him.
> 
> Tell your boss that your ex seems to not be handling the split all that well and that he's been leaving you lots of somewhat threatening messages. Tell your boss you just wanted him to know in case he gets any odd calls from your ex.
> 
> And go see an attorney.


I found the name of the attorney that took care of the assault charge in December. I will be contacting her.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Stop covering for this scumbag and tell your boss what's going on.
> 
> Tell all of your friends and family...they might not be as surprised as you think. People suspect things but often don't want to stick their noses in uninvited.


I did tell my friends and family and they all knew that he drank a little but they were actually surprised to learn the extent of his drinking. I covered up well for him.
As for my boss, he's my boss, not my friend, he don't feel comfortable bringing him into my personal life. If my ex actually does call, I will deal with it then.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sounds like he will go into your circle to try and break you down, but again, let it all go and don’t feed into the drama. It keeps you still in there, if that makes sense. Again, the professional questions are his problem and not yours to fix. You don’t work for him, with him and no longer have a relationship. 

I wouldn’t even tell your boss, your boss will know what to do and probably tell him he’s not interested and to never call back.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Sounds like he will go into your circle to try and break you down, but again, let it all go and don’t feed into the drama. It keeps you still in there, if that makes sense. Again, the professional questions are his problem and not yours to fix. You don’t work for him, with him and no longer have a relationship.
> 
> I wouldn’t even tell your boss, your boss will know what to do and probably tell him he’s not interested and to never call back.


That's what I'm thinking as well, I think my boss will tell him that he is not interested in the personal drama, if my ex actually does call him which I doubt a lot. I will still get in touch with a lawyer to see what my rights are, what type of proof I need, and when is the right time to call the police. I want to make sure I do things right.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

If he does call, which may be just a threat, it will be his drama not yours.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> If he does call, which may be just a threat, it will be his drama not yours.


That's what I was thinking. I have kept my boss away from all the drama. I told him that I was no longer with my ex because my ex did work for the company. I asked to store a few things at the office and he agreed. And when the professional relationship was no longer possible, I told my boss with no explanation and he seemed okay with that an expecting it to happen at some point. He honestly didn't seem to care. I have been keeping my personal drama away from the office as much as possible. Work is work, personal is personal and, for me, they just don't mix.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DrunkEx said:


> You are absolutely right, I remind myself, everytime he leaves me a voice mail since I blocked his number, that it is no longer my problem. Helping him is a hard habit to break, however, after reading on this thread I feel stronger and will remind myself that I am now free, he is not my problem, if his life goes down the drain at least it will not be taking me with him. Thank you.


Have a read at Melodie Beattie's Co-Dependent No more, it is available from Amazon and even in Audible if you prefer the audio version. Official Website of Best Selling Author Melody Beattie

I would suggest you also join Family and Friends of Alcoholics on Sober recovery.com You have major issues with setting boundaries. I know your heart is breaking after investing so many years in your A (alcoholic) that he went as far as he did. The thing is we hope they will change, hope that they will see the damage they are causing, hope that tommorrow things will be different, until we no longer recognize ourselves and the **** we put up with. I have lived it, still living it (on and of) but have carved out a new life even though I still live with my A. You also have a disease and the quicker you realize this and get yourself healthy the better. Wishing you all the best.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

aine said:


> Have a read at Melodie Beattie's Co-Dependent No more, it is available from Amazon and even in Audible if you prefer the audio version. Official Website of Best Selling Author Melody Beattie
> 
> I would suggest you also join Family and Friends of Alcoholics on Sober recovery.com You have major issues with setting boundaries. I know your heart is breaking after investing so many years in your A (alcoholic) that he went as far as he did. The thing is we hope they will change, hope that they will see the damage they are causing, hope that tommorrow things will be different, until we no longer recognize ourselves and the **** we put up with. I have lived it, still living it (on and of) but have carved out a new life even though I still live with my A. You also have a disease and the quicker you realize this and get yourself healthy the better. Wishing you all the best.


I have started looking at the Family and Friends of Alcoholics on Sober Recovery. I will look into the book you suggest. I was going to write that I don't believe I have major issues setting boundaries, However on second thought I believe my issue of not being able to simply just disregarding the voicemails and not letting his words affect me is a boundary issue. To be honest, I just want him to stop. I am not calling him, I am not reaching out, I am writing to him, I am not contacting people he knows to pass messages, I just want him out of my life. This is the reason I didn't lay any claim to the house, it is his but I did pay the mortgage on it, I didn't lay any claim to the company, I just picked up a few personal items and left and am rebuilding a life for myself. I just wanted to finally be done. I just want to move on. I thought he did when he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship.
My therapist tells me it is now time to take care of myself and I hate that a simple voicemail from him annoys and bothers me to the point where I want to cry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@DrunkEx, there is Nothing wrong with grieving the relationship, you have to go through that process, but don’t worry about him, check up on him etc. Cut ties completely for your own sake.


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

aine said:


> @DrunkEx, there is Nothing wrong with grieving the relationship, you have to go through that process, but don’t worry about him, check up on him etc. Cut ties completely for your own sake.


Well today he cost me $782. He had said that he was going to take over the cable bill for the house, and I found out today, from the cable company, that no only had he not taken the bill over, but he had actually not paid the bill since January. So now, I am hoping that he does the right thing and calls the company to take over the bill and pay the invoice, or he will be cut off in 48 hours and I will owe $782. There are no words to express how absolutely angry I am. The cable company told me that I could make a deal right away to pay the bill, but I don't want to, I am still hoping he will do the right thing. If I pay the bill now, then he is free to use the cable and not pay for 3 months again. And I will still owe. If I cut it off now, then I still have to pay the $782 because it's in my name. The only chance I have to not have to pay this money is if he does the right thing and takes it over.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@DrunkEx ,

I know you don't want to pay $782 because that's a sizable amount, but it is the end of April now, and he has had since JANUARY to "do the right thing." If he were going to "do the right thing" he would have admitted he has a drinking problem, taken his own butt to AA meetings or voluntarily signed into rehab, worked on saving his marriage, and paid the bills he owes. He is clearly NOT a "do the right thing" kind of guy. So please stop smoking the "hopium."

Please contact your cable company, explain that you want to close the account now...today (so he can do no more damage), and make payment arrangements. Pay them $100/mo to just get it done. If you are out $782 because he never paid the bill, when you split assets in the divorce, ask that you be reimbursed out of his half of the marital assets (in other words 50\50 split ... +$782 for you and -$782 for him). 

Do this for all the bills "in your name" at a home where you are no longer living. Just close the accounts, deal with the balances (because his money goes to the booze, not the bills), and be free of him. He is a GROWN ASS MAN and he can either pay the bills or live without--his choice. Time for you to stop paying for him!


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @DrunkEx ,
> 
> I know you don't want to pay $782 because that's a sizable amount, but it is the end of April now, and he has had since JANUARY to "do the right thing." If he were going to "do the right thing" he would have admitted he has a drinking problem, taken his own butt to AA meetings or voluntarily signed into rehab, worked on saving his marriage, and paid the bills he owes. He is clearly NOT a "do the right thing" kind of guy. So please stop smoking the "hopium."
> 
> ...


You are right. Thankfully, that was the only bill in my name, it could've been worse. I will call and cancel and make a deal to pay a little every month. It is just so infuriating.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@DrunkEx 

It IS infuriating!! But the good news is that this is yet another thing that was tangling you two together that is now becoming untangled. More and more, day-by-day, you are becoming free. 

Good job!!


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## DrunkEx (Apr 20, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> @DrunkEx
> 
> It IS infuriating!! But the good news is that this is yet another thing that was tangling you two together that is now becoming untangled. More and more, day-by-day, you are becoming free.
> 
> Good job!!


Unfortunately I was unaware that this was still tangling us together, I honestly thought that he had taken care of it. Oh well, lesson learned !


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Right? LOL


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