# The Birds and The Bees...



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So how many of you other parents actually sat your children down and gave them a primer on the facts of life? At what ages? And how did your little conference with them go? Or did you simply say little to nothing and just let nature take its course?


Now with my two son's, it seemed to be a pain for them, when I corralled them as they became high school freshmen; and they both acted like they absolutely wanted to be situated someplace else in the universe, greatly making intonations to the effect of something like "Sex? Yeah, Dad! So what about it would you really like to know?"*


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The talk IMO isn't one instance of sex ed. Sex ed is ongoing. Kiddo asked me about babies around age five and I told her in an age appropriate way. She soaked it in, said OK and was done. A year or two later she had more questions and I answered them frankly without embarrassment in terms she could understand. No question is taboo. She has asked me how old I was when I did, she asked how it felt, how did it feel to give birth. We talked about ramification of sex, both pregnancy and STDs as well as choosing the right person for sex, not just the first time but always. She asked me how it felt to put in a tampon and I gave her one to try so she wouldn't be freaked out when the time came. I have encouraged her to familiarize herself with her body so she knows when something isn't right. 

We have talked about birth control, oral sex, anal sex (and to always use a condom when doing that and why), why people have sex, why some girls try to make guys like them by using sex. We have probably talked more about the reasons to have/not have sex vs. the actual act. She has a friend who is very easy with the boys and we talked about her self esteem and what is missing in her life, etc.

So far it seems to have worked. She hasn't had her first kiss yet and seems to place high esteem on who she is but doesn't seem put off by the idea of sex, either. 

It's a lot less awkward to talk to them when they are little and answer the easy questions and keep discussing stuff as they get older vs. having one huge big deal sit-down. I prefer to keep the lines of communications open about all of it.

ETA - By 5th grade all of the kids know a lot more than parents think they know. My daughter was telling me stuff other kids said because of our open relationship and I could tell her what was right and what was a myth (can't get preggo first time - uh WRONG; can't get prego without penetration - uh WRONG - rare but wrong). If you wait until 12/13, odds are they have already heard more than you are about to tell them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Enjoli: Kudos! I really think that you handled it rather correctly!*


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I have 17 y/o and 13 y/o daughters and a 9 y/o son. Both girls pretty much have had the full 'talk' with me in addition to what is taught in school. In middle school they had a Saturday with the parents coming in to talk to the kids in a group setting. It was a very good program. I haven't talked to my son about anything.

The oldest gets uncomfortable and doesn't like to talk too much about it, but we've muddled through. The 13 y/o is too much like me... she is very open about the subject.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

They all knew by age 3 where babies came from and by first grade how babies got to be in there and how they got out. By age 8 they knew about menstruation and by 10 they knew about erections, wet dreams and hormonal surges. By 12 they knew about orgasms and masturbation. At 13 they could list 5 forms of birth control and the big 4 STIs. At first love interest they know exactly what level of physical affection is appropriate for their age and that oral sex, anal sex is still sex. By 15 they are put on the pill and given a box of condoms., even though I expect and hope they will not have sex until they are 18-21. 

I don't leave anything out, ever. I have all girls and even though the youngest is 14, they all are very comfortable talking about ANYTHING with me or with a sister...who will then come to me and let me know what's going on.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Had general sex talks to my son , nuts and bolts stuff , since he was ten. So never really had to have an awkward long talk. 

Recently had a more serious chat focussing on birth control and STDs. He is 15. 

Education is essential. In most areas life is not a video with second chances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I voted OTHER.. I wasn't sure we fit any of those options....In our family... we are very open about .... We talk about it all .. they know they can say any darn thing to me & dad.... we'll listen... no guilt , no shame... just openness.. so they are prepared for LIFE... we like to challenge their brains.. we ask questions... we encourage them to reason things out... for their own lives....and in all things.. be responsible.. Everything we do , this includes the greatest of pleasures.. the most addicting act on the planet..it has the potential to detour our lives if we are not very careful how it is handled. 

They know I'm on this forum..& talk in depth about many such subjects...plus my slew of books ...if someone robbed our House & got a look at my Library, they'd think a Sex Therapist lives there...

It's funny, a few yrs back, we were all watching >>







& our oldest told me I was Gaylords Mom ...Yep.. this is ME & DAD...







ha ha 

Our teen sons feel free to joke around both of us.. . we talk openly about a myriad of issues...STD's, various ways to hold self control when their hormones rage/ effects of Testosterone, Porn (have a story how we handled that with our 13 yrs old curiosity -it was unique)... Infatuation..Lust...giving it time to know if's it REAL Love.... bonding/ attachment, how sexual pleasure releases these things...the 6 views of sexuality...how not all people look through the same lenses.. how this too can cause problems in dating.... 

Then they do silly things like set my microwave and timers to 69.. just to get a rise out of me... we have a good time!!

I don't think we are the norm by any means though.. because although we are so OPEN.. we are all more conservative minded than the majority in this day & age...our Example before them is to wait for LOVE / commitment (at the very least)...... as we feel sex carries with it the greatest of responsibilities ... the power to create new life...and it's rightful place should be saved for a very special person ...to know when it is right, so they won't have regrets. 

We don't believe casual sex is the best route for teens..We go much further than just talking about STD's (some can harm a woman's future fertility), birth control & pregnancy -with that abortion will need covered also.... we talk about the possible emotional & psychological consequences -if a break up results after being this emotionally bonded.

I could write a book on this subject.. but I will stop now...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

soulseer said:


> *Had general sex talks to my son , nuts and bolts stuff , since he was ten. So never really had to have an awkward long talk.*


It's funny....our daughter is 10... we were playing Scrabble hours ago.. and she says -getting ready for her word...." I have a very very very very bad word"..... ..I am thinking the "F" Bomb.. or something... I'm telling her I can't wait.. smiling ear to ear, encouraging her to put it down....saying how I want to see this very very very bad word... 

Then she puts down *"SEXY"*-she got 15 points for that ...and she is all giggly.... I'm like "that is not a bad word!".... I start laughing ... . she is not into boys at all yet.... but I still gave her some example of how BOYS will BE when they see a pretty girl.. re-enacting some whistling /checking her up & down....some comments.. she blushes... I don't know.. maybe I am a bit much.... but we have FUN... I get them laughing...and really nothing is all that awkward.. with us...which really helps the kids be "open" with us, our teen sons even LIKE to ask my opinion! 

This is one of my favorite threads ~ I poured my  & soul into ...for my little girl...what we teach her is "ongoing"... life lessons come in unsuspected moments....and hopefully she will carry those lessons with her.... I can't see *Sex* being just a "sit down" talk with kids... now THAT would be awkward...


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

My wife pushed me to have a talk with our son... I did. 

Our daughter is now 18 and I don't think she ever had the talk with DD. Her excuse. Too late, she already knows.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hambone said:


> My wife pushed me to have a talk with our son... I did.
> 
> Our daughter is now 18 and I don't think she ever had the talk with DD. Her excuse. Too late, she already knows.


*I know with my oldest son, he was rather ancy about "the talk" and handed me a litany of "I know's" to which I told him pretty much the same thing that my old man lectured me on, in that if he got some poor little girl knocked-up, that his plate at home was summarily broken and that he would be doing the honorable thing of supporting an instant family. I really think that it's kept his zipper in the locked position or that in the very least, he's using protection. Right now, he's going with a sweet little girl who is absolutely crazy about him as is her family! Thinking of them having relations is about as taboo to me as thinking of my parents doing it when I was his age. I would greatly say that provided they're sexually active, they are ultra responsible.

The youngest is more academic and was far more receptive to the talk. Although he was quite knowledgeable from his high school SexEd program. While he isn't as interested in girls as much as he is in maintaining a 3.5 to keep his academic scholarship, Dad doesn't really worry about him all that much!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *It's funny....our daughter is 10... we were playing Scrabble hours ago.. and she says -getting ready for her word...." I have a very very very very bad word"..... ..I am thinking the "F" Bomb.. or something... I'm telling her I can't wait.. smiling ear to ear, encouraging her to put it down....saying how I want to see this very very very bad word...
> 
> Then she puts down "SEXY"-she got 15 points for that ...and she is all giggly.... I'm like "that is not a bad word!"*.... I start laughing ... . she is not into boys at all yet.... but I still gave her some example of how BOYS will BE when they see a pretty girl.. re-enacting some whistling /checking her up & down....some comments.. she blushes... I don't know.. maybe I am a bit much.... but we have FUN... I get them laughing...and really nothing is all that awkward.. with us...which really helps the kids be "open" with us, our teen sons even LIKE to ask my opinion!
> 
> This is one of my favorite threads ~ I poured my  & soul into ...for my little girl...what we teach her is "ongoing"... life lessons come in unsuspected moments....and hopefully she will carry those lessons with her.... I can't see *Sex* being just a "sit down" talk with kids... now THAT would be awkward...


*A tad off-topic here, but which brings up an interesting conundrum: If you are playing Scrabble with whomever, and you can win a game by producing an objectionable four letter or vulgar word, do you do it?

With me, for me to do it, it would have to be with someone who I know and trust implicitly and know that their likelihood of embarrassment would be about nill ~ nobody like my Methodist pastor, church folk, mother-in-law, or prospective daughter-in-law.

Now with my football officiating crew, the gloves would absolutely come off! Unless of course, I'm around their wives!*


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm 100% in EnjoliWoman's corner. I think that if you start YOUNG, you don't have a problem with it because the discussions come up regularly from the child.

My *humble* recommendations:

Start young.
Call body parts by their correct names (breasts, not boobs or boobies); this teaches them that it's not embarrassing to say the words and that there is nothing wrong/different about sexual parts than about any other body part.
Keep answers short and to-the-point (this is the tough one)! It is VERY tempting to try to fit EVERYTHING into your talk while you have the chance, but RESIST the temptation! You'll just turn it into a long lecture that they'll tune out!
When they ask about something relating to mechanics/how, answer it truthfully.
*Do NOT be judgmental!* That doesn't mean you have to agree with or have no moral opinion about whatever is brought up, but if you're seen as too DISAPPROVING then your child/teen will feel unable to confide in you...and that could have disastrous consequences later.
As EnjoliWoman pointed out, speak to the why's/wherefore's of teen sex. You'll cover that a LOT more than the mechanics of sex.
Remind your teen that not EVERYBODY (nor every body "cool") is having sex. Those who are, are bragging. Those who aren't, 1/2 of them are lying/bragging anyway. Be who you are, you'll know when the time/person are right. I told my daughter that it is entirely possible to graduate high school as a virgin (she scoffed at the idea) and I told her I HIGHLY RECOMMENDED it; I told her I expected her to explore her sexuality in college, but that she would probably be dissatisfied (with the experience) in high school.
Feel free to tell your child that YOUR personal sex life is off-limits. I've told my child (when she inquired) how old I was when I lost my virginity (she laughed!), but I won't discuss (and she hasn't yet asked) whether I've engaged in certain activities. I believe when she's an adult, I will have no qualms about discussing it with her if she inquires...but she needs to respect MY privacy as I'm respecting hers. I don't INQUIRE, she comes to me and shares what she does/doesn't do and what her friends do/don't do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

arbitrator said:


> *A tad off-topic here, but which brings up an interesting conundrum: If you are playing Scrabble with whomever, and you can win a game by producing an objectionable four letter or vulgar word, do you do it?*


I guess you do what my daughter did ...and blurt out.. "I have a very very very bad word" ....and see what type of reaction you get ! .... My mentioning the F word is why you ask this.. to say she has never heard that word -would be a Lie..... would she use it.. NO, I'm pretty sure of that....

I was just thinking the worst is all...the way she was going on about it..if she did put that down, we'd probably agree it was not allowed...and is TOO VULGAR. 

One game we played with 3 kids... Dad started with *EROTIC* ....or maybe it was LUST ... the daughter used *SEX*... and there were 2 others (all sex related) in there...and we all laughed about it.. it was a FUN game! .. .me & dad had some 's back & forth... 



> *With me, for me to do it, it would have to be with someone who I know and trust implicitly and know that their likelihood of embarrassment would be about nill ~ nobody like my Methodist pastor, church folk, mother-in-law, or prospective daughter-in-law.*


 Well of course.. our Teens... our friends.. we have THIS... that freedom..... with his Family.. .not so much.....they MIGHT give us funny looks if we were really our outrageous selves in their presence..(not that we've played scrabble with them)..... Our oldest son has even made comments...to how they are BORING..... just cause the conversations are always so ....well... "contained" / low key.... we withhold our normal boisterous bantering in front of them...



> *Now with my football officiating crew, the gloves would absolutely come off! Unless of course, I'm around their wives!*


 I am like "one of the guys"... what can I say.. .Not too much offends me.. have always appreciated the baser Male Humor....Men are a HOOT... dirty scoundrels at times.. but you gotta love them all the same... 

But True...there is always a LINE in anything... I have that too..even husband will not contribute to a conversation when the guys at work get TOO VULGAR...as he's shared with me some of those scenarios. ...


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

She was 10 I think when we discussed the "mechanics" of sex. She is now 15, and we've added more and more as time goes on, getting into the emotional aspects. We are very open. We bring it up in general conversation all the time so as to wear off the "embarrassment" factor. We recognize she will decide when she's ready no matter what we say, so we want her to know she can come to us at that point and we will assist her in getting what she needs to do it safely. I had her as a SR. in high school, so I come at it from that perspective so she won't repeat history.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

They are going to do what they want regardless is what I have found. The talk just makes us (the parent) feel like we did our job better.

Almost like they signed the "Terms of Service" agreement. We also had indepth talks about drugs too, but again doesn't matter they will choose to do or not do as they please.

I guess no prengancies, no stds that we know of, but that doesn't mean I agree with what they do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *OhGeesh said:* *They are going to do what they want regardless is what I have found. The talk just makes us (the parent) feel like we did our job better.*


Our example lived before them (hopefully)...will be their greatest teacher...in many things.. that is.

In my case.... I learned from my Mothers mistakes.. how NOT to use sexuality.. .... It is a very sad thing to say.. but I had a great fear in me to NOT turn out like my own Mother....as I seen 1st hand how it destroyed her life (though her story is more extreme than most would grasp, how far she fell )... and she was never the same after that....

So in my youth... always the reader... I read books on dating, love, sex, waiting... I wanted to do it right (for me)...with no regrets... I contemplated my future, what type of guy I wanted.... I was always a young person who put a wealth of thinking into anything I had my heart set on....as I can be very very hard on myself if I trusted where it wasn't to be...

I don't like detours and I wanted as few regrets as possible.. I never looked upon sex lightly.. it represented forever to me...I established early on... the guy had to feel this way, or he was not right for me.. I was very lucky to meet my husband so young..I often feel he saved me from a world of heartache from other men.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Maybe maybe not..............I do agree SA, but I've seen the richest most grounded of family's kids faulter. I've also seen trailer trash parents with a son who is a doctor.

I'm not saying parenting doesn't matter it does, but once they become adults and go off to college etc. You just have to see. 

My closest work buddy has 5 kids all the same home life for the most part. 3 are fine 2 are idiots drugs, dropouts, etc etc.

We all just do our best teach a good example the rest is genetics, influences, and choices.

Lastly, happiness is subjective. What some call utopia others call obligations and stress. I know for me contentment and perspective is always a challenge.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been talking to DD23 since she was about 10. Very matter of fact, everyone's going to do it, just be smart about it, no judging, but I want you to tell me first so we can make sure nothing happens, she talks to me about everything now because I made it safe.


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