# Wife is emotionally dependent/Needy



## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 8 years now and have know each other for 12. IMO we have a simple life. I have an 8-5 at an office. Her schedule is more like 7-5 (4 days x week). My salary is enough to cover our expenses. He salary we use as our fun money. No problems with bills. We take 2 nice vacations a year. We've traveled all over Europe. 

I usually head straight home after work. Tuesdays I get home later as I give a bible study to 2 people and usually am home by 8 at the latest. Occasionally I have to attend a board meeting after work, so maybe 1-2x per month I get home around 8PM as well. Other than that I am home. Usually I get home, my wife and I have dinner together at the table and then I head outside to do some yard work. I usually tell my wife to come join me a bit outside but she always says that she doesn't like yard work and prefers to stay inside. I come inside, take a shower and then join my wife for some TV watching, etc. On weekends we usually go out to lunch or dinner together. Other than me working out in the yard during summer, I really don't have any other "me" time. We are usually together everywhere we go. 

Examples: This weekend we are going out of town together. Last weekend we 1) had a BBQ at a friends house + Karaoke. 2) Had a Party/Dance the following day. 3) took a nap after church and then visited both of our parents. Weekend before that 1) we went to dinner/movie 2) visited her brother and his wife.

My wife now tells me that I've been spending too much time outside in the yard. That she feels I no longer want to be with her. That I've had 3 meetings this month after work instead of the usual 1-2. That I don't help around the house, keep in mind that I am a little OCD about everything being in order. I don't leave a mess behind. I clean up after myself. I even have my closet color coded. She pointed out that I have gone to 2 sporting events in the last year with my friends. This is true, but it is also true that I have only gone to these 2 sporting events with my friends in the 8 years we've been married. I don't think this is going overboard. 

She has no hobbies. I feel like her life needs to revolve around me. She tells me that if I'm not home then she is bored at home. I've told her to go out with her friends. To start sewing (she has mentioned this in the past). Go to the gym. etc. We both need some alone time. 

Any thoughts?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the intimacy? Do you two enjoy kissing and having sex? Is it frequent? In other words, how's the foundation of the marriage?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

jjjjj3017 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 8 years now and have know each other for 12. IMO we have a simple life. I have an 8-5 at an office. Her schedule is more like 7-5 (4 days x week). My salary is enough to cover our expenses. He salary we use as our fun money. No problems with bills. We take 2 nice vacations a year. We've traveled all over Europe.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She is bored. I would suggest to her to find some girlfriends to go out and do things with. It seems u r her only means of social interaction on a regular basis so when u aren't there, she's lonely. Also, when u two are spending time together, make sure it's quality time. DH and I could be watching TV together, but if I'm in my recliner and he's in "his spot" on the couch, that's not quality time. I make sure to go onto the couch, cuddle under the blanket with him, and usually have conversations about what we r watching. But on that note we watch a lot of documentary science programs where I have to explain what he doesn't understand and stuff like river monsters, tanked, that sort of thing. When we watch Big Bang theory or the walking dead there isn't much talking. 


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

@guyIn Colorado - Intimacy is pretty good and frequent. 3-4x per week. I usually initiate. I try to greet her with a kiss every time we come home from work. Hold her hand when we walk together. When we watch TV we are usually cuddling. etc. 
@Remee81 - I know she is bored. I do feel that I am her only source of social interaction. the other day her cousin invited her to go out to dinner and she wanted me to tag along. I felt kind of awkward. I do get a along with her cousin. But, I felt like the 3rd wheel. 

Wife is usually the talker. I am on the quieter side. Although I have made great strides to be more vocal. We enjoy cooking shows, Amazing Race, Survivor.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you talked to her about needing space, it would do you both good to get some me time.

You are not doing anything wrong at all, and 2 games in 8 years is nothing. She really need to get some sort of life of her own, it will also give you all more to talk about. 

This is a tough one without causing arguments, I love my alone time when H does his own thing I could not handle him up my bu## 24/7 when we weren't working.

I would just sit her down and tell her how you feel about this.


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## Wisdom Feeds (Nov 5, 2015)

It is natural to become clingy to your spouse but It is also healthy nessecary to spend occasional time apart in your marriage. It sounds like your wife doesn't have any friends. Did she hang out with friends before you both got married? Is she anti- social? I agree that doing things together, even if she may not like it or vice versa. Explore different things to do as well. Your wife needs to find something that interest her as well. Do you both have mutual married friends? If you both have mutual married friends, that may be a way for her to begin slowly hanging out apart from you occasionally. You should both sit and talk the importance of spending some time with friends. Look at some websites for meets ups in your area or events she may be interested in. This can help her discover hobbies she may like. 

Hope this helps!

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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

@Lostme - we talked about this last night. She had been very distant since Monday. It turned into her crying and saying that I always tell her that she is wrong. I repeated on many occasions that I don't want her to feel lonley, but that I felt that I wasn't the one to blame for her feeling this way. I told her that every time she feels lonely she forgets all of the things we do together and focuses on the few times during the week that we are not. 

I also told her that I understood how it feels to be lonely. I text my wife every morning to say hello when I am at work. And, if I don't text her she rarely does me. Again, I have to initiate the conversation. Her response was, well I am used to it that way. For 8 years you text me every morning. I told her that I enjoy texting her, but that I also need to feel reciprocated. It can't always be a one way street. 

@Widsdom Feeds - We do have mutual married friends. I encourage her to go out with the wives. I do feel thought, that this was a root problem from childhood. I have come to find out that she was kind of possesive with her friends as well. Most of her childhood friends have since married and moved away so it is hard for her to catch up with them. But she has other friends from church. It is just for some reason, she doesn’t go out with them if we don’t go as a couple.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the intimacy? Do you two enjoy kissing and having sex? Is it frequent? In other words, how's the foundation of the marriage?


I'm getting to the point (although I agree with your premise), that you aren't trying to help, and you just want the dirty details...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you and your wife do several activities a week. Some of those seem to be with other people included.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together, in quality time, just the two of you alone? This does not count things like watching TV where you are not focused on each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jjjjj3017 said:


> @Lostme - But she has other friends from church. It is just for some reason, she doesn’t go out with them if we don’t go as a couple.


 A little assessment here (below).... trying to weigh how this is affecting YOU / your relationship ... what is going on internally with her...

Is it possible she simply enjoys spending time with you over anyone else.. or is there some sort of unhealthy void she she is expecting YOU to fill in her life ??

When you are together.. do you genuinely compliment each other, laugh and enjoy your time.. or do you feel more like a "Crutch" to her in some way...not sure how to put that.. if this makes sense?

Has she routinely passed on invitations with friends, contributing to her lack of a social life ? If so, has she ever hinted, complained, opened up to as why? 

Does any of this describe how YOU FEEL with your wife ....taken from the book "High Maintenance Relationships" - the chapter on "Neediness"...



> *The Anatomy of a Sponge*
> 
> Constantly in need; gives nothing back
> Clingy
> ...


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

@EleGirl - We have dinner together at the table and talk. Usually 30-1hr. We usually shower together before bed and chat while we get ready for bed. Fridays we usually go out for dinner alone. Weekends are hit and miss. Sometimes we go out by ourselves and sometimes we go out with other couples. I would say it is a 60-40 split. mostly by ourselves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjjjj3017 said:


> @EleGirl - We have dinner together at the table and talk. Usually 30-1hr. We usually shower together before bed and chat while we get ready for bed. Fridays we usually go out for dinner alone. Weekends are hit and miss. Sometimes we go out by ourselves and sometimes we go out with other couples. I would say it is a 60-40 split. mostly by ourselves.


I have no way to figure out how many hours that is. Could you please state the amount of quality time that the two of you spend together in a week (on average) in hours?


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

@SimplyAmorous - Wow! this I think hits the nail on the head. My wife seems to be a "sponge"

It could be that she enjoys to spend time with me more than anyone else. But, I don’t feel it is healthy that I am the ONLY one she wants to be with and expect that I feel the same way. I truly enjoy spending time with her, but I also have other friends/activities that I enjoy that she does not. 

When we are together, we do laugh and compliment each other. Other I do feel I have to watch what I say or how I say it or she can easily get offended. 

On invitations. This is a tough one. She complains that we don’t get invited often, but then we do and she says "I'm don't feel like going now". or, "I am a little tired, and want to take a nap"

she has a difficulty with self-esteem. She has a problem with her body: I need a nose job, tummy tuck, breast reduction, etc…. Although everyone always compliments her on how good she looks. 

I like to help anybody that needs help and have gained the praise of my community for years now. She has a hard time accepting when others compliment me and not her. 

I can answer "yes" to most of the questions: Do you know a sponge?


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I have no way to figure out how many hours that is. Could you please state the amount of quality time that the two of you spend together in a week (on average) in hours?


Average: 1-2 hours a day on weekdays. On weekends we usually spend the entire weekend together. Easily 6+ hours a day of being together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jjjjj3017 said:


> Average: 1-2 hours a day on weekdays. On weekends we usually spend the entire weekend together. Easily 6+ hours a day of being together.


So 6 hours a day on the weekend with only the two of you and no one else that you are hanging out with.

The rule of thumb is that a couple should spend at least 15 hours a week in quality time. That's time with just the two of them together. And it should not be doing things like watching TV, cleaning house, etc. 

From what you say, it sounds like the two of you are getting the quality time together.

The two of you probably need to talk more about this. There are two book that are good for helping couples talk about these sorts of things. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below).

For example her wanting to spend every moment with you seems to be a love buster to you. You need her to develop some of her own interests so that she is not pressuring you so much. Plus, being with others will help to meet some of her emotional needs. 

The HN/HN book explains the 15 hour a week rule. After the two of you have had your 15 or so hours together there is no reason why both of you cannot spend some time on your personal interests. I'm thinking that the books might work for her because it's someone besides you telling her this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The entire weekend doesn't equal 12 hours. What's going on the rest of the 36 hours?

That said, this isn't something you can fix for her. She has to want to fix it. I promise, if you 'give in' and give up your gardening to please her, it will only cause her to fall even more inward and isolated. Your job is to reverse that process, not hasten it. 

She tries to get what she wants by trying to guilt you (you always tell her she is wrong, etc.). That is manipulation, but I'm sure she doesn't realize it. It comes from HER low self esteem. It's important to empathize with her, but more important to urge her to work out her feelings herself and seek solutions. Reflect back to her what you hear her saying, and then ask her what she sees as a solution other than you giving up the VERY few things you do in your life without her. Work together to come up with a solution that doesn't require you giving your very minimal stuff up. 

Offer to go to therapy with her and talk about it. I doubt she will, but give the option. She may think you'll go and the therapist will chew you out for not being at her side 100% of the time but, in reality, the therapist will see that she's being irrational and help her.


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## Wisdom Feeds (Nov 5, 2015)

jjjjj3017 said:


> @Lostme - we talked about this last night. She had been very distant since Monday. It turned into her crying and saying that I always tell her that she is wrong. I repeated on many occasions that I don't want her to feel lonley, but that I felt that I wasn't the one to blame for her feeling this way. I told her that every time she feels lonely she forgets all of the things we do together and focuses on the few times during the week that we are not.
> 
> I also told her that I understood how it feels to be lonely. I text my wife every morning to say hello when I am at work. And, if I don't text her she rarely does me. Again, I have to initiate the conversation. Her response was, well I am used to it that way. For 8 years you text me every morning. I told her that I enjoy texting her, but that I also need to feel reciprocated. It can't always be a one way street.
> 
> @Widsdom Feeds - We do have mutual married friends. I encourage her to go out with the wives. I do feel thought, that this was a root problem from childhood. I have come to find out that she was kind of possesive with her friends as well. Most of her childhood friends have since married and moved away so it is hard for her to catch up with them. But she has other friends from church. It is just for some reason, she doesn’t go out with them if we don’t go as a couple.


Oh ok. It sounds like she may have some deep rooted insecurity issues that unfortunately you can't fix. It could be she dealt with abandonment in her childhood. Ie: her friends being far away she may feel you're all she has. So you've become her "security blanket" in a way. But she has to first be willing to look within herself and figure out why she is that way. Maybe she can speak with your pastor or someone who will have an unbiased approach. Continue to reassure her that you love being with her but would like to see her enjoying herself more outside of you both. 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing that helps women 'grow up' when they've become too codependent is to push off certain decisions or activities onto their shoulders. Like if she wants a new car, say 'great! Figure out which one you want and we'll go to the bank and you can apply for a loan for it.' It helps them feel more like a grownup, a complete person, a capable person. And the more she feels like that, the less clingy she'll be.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jesus. The poor guy can't even take a SHOWER alone.

I'd honestly blow my head off if my husband were a Stage IV Clinger like this.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Jesus. The poor guy can't even take a SHOWER alone.
> 
> I'd honestly blow my head off if my husband were a Stage IV Clinger like this.


Who wants to shower alone? Not me. 

+1 for the Wedding Crashers reference :wink2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, she needs to get a life. She sounds insecure and codependent. Its admirable that you two do so much together.. but... She needs to realize that its HEALTHY for you both to have time for yourselves and your own interests. You cant fix this for her. Dont let her guilt you either, you are not doing anything wrong. It sounds like she needs some therapy to me.


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## jjjjj3017 (May 24, 2012)

Monday
So we are back from our Road Trip this weekend. We got back on Monday. I got up around 8.30. Made some waffles and left some for her. I went outside and watered my plants, cleaned up the yard a bit, vacuumed my truck. she got up around 11. We went to go pick up some things from my inlaws house. While we were there I spent some time outside with my father in law helping him move some things. We went home about 1 hour later. She went back to sleep. So I went back outside to do things around the house. She waked up at 5 or 6 and just sits in the couch and gets on her phone. I didn't really force any conversation. But, she didn't really try to talk to me. Which I don't get, because just a few days ago she was all up on my case that I don't talk to her and that I prefer to be on my phone. 

Tuesday
We both go to work. I sent her a text to let her know that I had a received a confirmation of something we had ordered. Then later in the day she texted me back that she was having a bad day. That she was upset at her co-worker and that she wanted to find another job. I didn't give much input. I kinda just told her that she needed to weigh all the benefits she gets at this job and that there is no such thing as an IDEAL job where everything goes your way. 

I get home and she is venting to me of all that went on at work. I let her know that the first thing she should do it talk to her boss and not make any abrupt decisions and left it at that. I just hate complaining. At night, while we are in bed. She extends her hand toward me and tells " I read a study that says that men who kiss their wive's hand shows that they are truly in love with them." I smirked and said: "and why did you decide to believe that?" Since I didn't kiss her hand she stared at me. I felt her getting upset. After a few minutes she turned around to go to sleep. 

Not sure if what I did was okay. But, I am tired of bieng pushed around.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is kind of like when someone decides to boycott a store. Like boycotting that sandwich chain because the owner hunts wild animals. It does no good to just boycott the chain if you aren't telling the owner WHY you are boycotting them. If they just see sales drop, they'll assume it's the employees' fault and cut their pay or fire them.


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