# I think my wife maybe having an affair with a co-worker.



## Captaintender

So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk. 

I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid. 

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later. 

She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that. 

So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0. 

I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did. 

My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time. 
So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved. 

Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife. 

So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.

We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday. 

I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed. 

Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs. 

So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something. 

So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on. 

The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross. 

I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches. 

So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before? 

She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar? 

Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me? 

She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth. 

I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen. 

I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice. 

So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location. 

So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs. 

I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be? 

She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk. 

She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here. 

So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to. 

Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too. 

So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants. 

He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom. 

About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home. 

So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff. 

Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that. 

I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.

. Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
Need advise please!!


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## jonty30

It is never wrong to be politely confrontational who sees to show interest in your wife. 

I'm very concerned that she still wants to talk to the coach, after you talked to him. It should be a no-brainer, if she wants to save the marriage, that she would delete his number and never talk to him again. I'm sorry for you experience. I would make it clear to her that she either stops talking to him and work with you on the marriage, or you will be seeking a divorce. 

She's an idiot for wanting to walk away from such an investment.


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## Captaintender

jonty30 said:


> It is never wrong to be politely confrontational who sees to show interest in your wife.
> 
> I'm very concerned that she still wants to talk to the coach, after you talked to him. It should be a no-brainer, if she wants to save the marriage, that she would delete his number and never talk to him again. I'm sorry for you experience. I would make it clear to her that she either stops talking to him and work with you on the marriage, or you will be seeking a divorce.
> 
> She's an idiot for wanting to walk away from such an investment.


Thanks jonty that’s kinda what I’m thinking too. I haven’t told her to lose his number yet and I was really hoping to find out what his thought process is/was instigating the crap he’s started especially considering we have two younger kids together. Our older ones will be able to handle it but I not so sure on the younger two will be able to. I’m also wondering if I may have pushed her closer to him now that I have confronted them both about their actions. And selfishness


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## Captaintender

Captaintender said:


> Thanks jonty that’s kinda what I’m thinking too. I haven’t told her to lose his number yet and I was really hoping to find out what his thought process is/was instigating the crap he’s started especially considering we have two younger kids together. Our older ones will be able to handle it but I not so sure on the younger two will be able to. I’m also wondering if I may have pushed her closer to him now that I have confronted them both about their actions. And selfishness


I truly don’t want a divorce I love her she is my best friend but I don’t know why or what caused her to become unhappy with me or the relationship we have had for all of these years. She refuses to talk to me about anything right now. How much space should I give her? I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want to lose my wife and break up our family. We have great kids almost no debt and financially we are sound so I don’t know what’s making her unhappy unless it’s just that she’s getting attention from a younger guy and that makes her feel good. I just don’t know.


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## jonty30

Captaintender said:


> Thanks jonty that’s kinda what I’m thinking too. I haven’t told her to lose his number yet and I was really hoping to find out what his thought process is/was instigating the crap he’s started especially considering we have two younger kids together. Our older ones will be able to handle it but I not so sure on the younger two will be able to. I’m also wondering if I may have pushed her closer to him now that I have confronted them both about their actions. And selfishness


I wouldn't be concerned about if you pushed her closer. She would just be justifying her desire, if she made any excuse about you talking to her causing her to seek comfort in the football coach.
If she wants to save the marriage, she will take steps to do that.

What an idiot woman, my apologies. If she divorces you, what kind of man does she expect to become interested in her when she's 41 and the mother of children? If you're a good man, and I believe you are, you are the best thing that she has going. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have it as well as she does now. A 29 year old man is only going to be wanting to have sex with her, until he gets tired of her. There is a zero chance that he would want to marry her.

My advice to you is to not leave the house. If she wants out, she gets out. The one living in the house will be the favoured to get the house. Also go for 100% custody. A flake cannot be trusted with children.


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## jonty30

Captaintender said:


> I truly don’t want a divorce I love her she is my best friend but I don’t know why or what caused her to become unhappy with me or the relationship we have had for all of these years. She refuses to talk to me about anything right now. How much space should I give her? I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want to lose my wife and break up our family. We have great kids almost no debt and financially we are sound so I don’t know what’s making her unhappy unless it’s just that she’s getting attention from a younger guy and that makes her feel good. I just don’t know.


Don't make the threat unless you are prepared to back it up.
She needs to decide what she is going to do about the marriage.

Are you able to get the school board to get rid of this coach for interfering with your marriage?
Are fidelity issues still something that school boards look down upon?


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## MarmiteC

Hi Captaintender. That was a hard read as it's not structured into paragraphs. It would be helpful if you could edit the post to do that and make it easier for others to read.


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## Captaintender

jonty30 said:


> I wouldn't be concerned about if you pushed her closer. She would just be justifying her desire, if she made any excuse about you talking to her causing her to seek comfort in the football coach.
> If she wants to save the marriage, she will take steps to do that.
> 
> What an idiot woman, my apologies. If she divorces you, what kind of man does she expect to become interested in her when she's 41 and the mother of children. If you're a good man, and I believe you are, you are the best thing that she has going. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have it as well as she does now.
> 
> My advice to you is to not leave the house. If she wants out, she gets out. The one living in the house will be the favoured to get the house. Also go for 100% custody. A flake cannot be trusted with children.


Thank you. Yeah i talked with my mom a bit about this and she said the same thing don’t leave the house. I’m worried about my pension too if we end up divorced she’s entitled to half of it which sucks since I’m the one that has had to deal with all the stuff affiliated with my career choice and I’m technically 5 years away from being eligible to retire. But if we end up divorced I may have to work an additional 10-15 to make up for the loss and I’m not sure if the body and mind would be able to do that with all the crap going on in the world today. But I definitely appreciate the advice so far my friend


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## jonty30

Captaintender said:


> Thank you. Yeah i talked with my mom a bit about this and she said the same thing don’t leave the house. I’m worried about my pension too if we end up divorced she’s entitled to half of it which sucks since I’m the one that has had to deal with all the stuff affiliated with my career choice and I’m technically 5 years away from being eligible to retire. But if we end up divorced I may have to work an additional 10-15 to make up for the loss and I’m not sure if the body and mind would be able to do that with all the crap going on in the world today. But I definitely appreciate the advice so far my friend


You can always do some other work, when working as a fire fighter is not feasible. 
You're going to have to talk to a lawyer about mitigating factors in regards to your pension. If she has claims to yours, you probably have claims to hers as well. 
That could be a bargaining chip to get her to leave the marriage without any claims, if this is where this heads.


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## Captaintender

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Captaintender. That was a hard read as it's not structured into paragraphs. It would be helpful if you could edit the post to do that and make it easier for others to read.


Yeah I again apologize for the way it turned out. I started telling the story and couldn’t quite stop.( hence why it is so long) I have to say it feels like I lifted a ton of weight off my chest by putting it down and to get some feedback. I’m new to the site so I’m not quite familiar with all of the functions and how to go about editing it. Can I do that or is it stuck that way?


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## lifeistooshort

I edited the original post to add paragraphs.

OP, that makes for a much easier read and and you will get more responses.


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## MarmiteC

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

I think you need to decide and set your boundaries, and you have every right to do so. I see you wrote that you don't want to get divorced and that you love her very much. What do you think could be happening here? She seems a little blinded by this coach. Has she ever voiced to you any unhappiness previously?

I noticed from your intro post that she is 39.... could she be struggling with the looming 40? That in no way justifies her actions but I wonder if the attentions from a younger guy is making her feel good?

Her pushing you away seems to be an act to get the freedom to do as she pleases, and she needs to know that you are not ok with it.


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## MarmiteC

N


Captaintender said:


> Yeah I again apologize for the way it turned out. I started telling the story and couldn’t quite stop.( hence why it is so long) I have to say it feels like I lifted a ton of weight off my chest by putting it down and to get some feedback. I’m new to the site so I’m not quite familiar with all of the functions and how to go about editing it. Can I do that or is it stuck that way?


No worries, at least you got it out there. Mod has sorted it to help you.


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## Andy1001

@Captaintender if you want to stop this affair in its tracks then go to the school superintendent and complain about your wife and this guy’s inappropriate relationship. She seems undecided whether she’s going to continue her toxic behavior and the thought of either of them losing their jobs may shock her back to sanity.
But unfortunately you are now plan B.
Plan B never becomes plan A.


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## Captaintender

MarmiteC said:


> I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
> 
> I think you need to decide and set your boundaries, and you have every right to do so. I see you wrote that you don't want to get divorced and that you love her very much. What do you think could be happening here? She seems a little blinded by this coach. Has she ever voiced to you any unhappiness previously?
> 
> I noticed from your intro post that she is 39.... could she be struggling with the looming 40? That in no way justifies her actions but I wonder if the attentions from a younger guy is making her feel good?
> 
> Her pushing you away seems to be an act to get the freedom to do as she pleases, and she needs to know that you are not ok with it.


I’m not sure what’s going on with her. I talked with my mom about the looming 40 and she asked me if she’s having a mid life crisis and I said I honestly don’t know. But I think that it might have a little to do with it. I think the other thing that’s played a part in it is that we had our youngest 3yrs ago and that was a complete surprise to both of us that we were going to be basically starting over with a baby when we were on the homeward stretch with our other three. I wouldn’t trade her for the world tho! So that may have something to do with all of this now too. But I don’t know for sure.


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## Captaintender

lifeistooshort said:


> I edited the original post to add paragraphs.
> 
> OP, that makes for a much easier read and and you will get more responses.


Thank you


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## Captaintender

Andy1001 said:


> @Captaintender if you want to stop this affair in its tracks then go to the school superintendent and complain about your wife and this guy’s inappropriate relationship. She seems undecided whether she’s going to continue her toxic behavior and the thought of either of them losing their jobs may shock her back to sanity.
> But unfortunately you are now plan B.
> Plan B never becomes plan A.


I thought about doing that and I kinda threatened the guy that I would destroy his career if he continued this. Of course he told my wife that I threatened his career and then she got on me for that and told me that she would go to their bosses about it and I sure sell them some new spin. Unfortunately they are a charter school and there is nothing in their handbook that discourages employee relationships and there are multiple teachers in that school in various stages of dating or marriage. The place is a terrible soap opera from the staff down to the students. Up until recently all she has done is complain about how miserable it is to work there and when I tell her to quit and walk away from it she tells me I’m too controlling and treat her like a prisoner. I don’t know about you but if I hated my job or the place I worked I’d quit and go find a new one. She tells me we need the money which I know for a fact we don’t but having her insurance through there instead of on my policy with the kids is definitely a cheaper option.


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## MarmiteC

Captaintender said:


> I’m not sure what’s going on with her. I talked with my mom about the looming 40 and she asked me if she’s having a mid life crisis and I said I honestly don’t know. But I think that it might have a little to do with it. I think the other thing that’s played a part in it is that we had our youngest 3yrs ago and that was a complete surprise to both of us that we were going to be basically starting over with a baby when we were on the homeward stretch with our other three. I wouldn’t trade her for the world tho! So that may have something to do with all of this now too. But I don’t know for sure.


before this have there been other things indicating there's something goin on there? You say perhaps having another young one may be playing a part.

Do you date your wife? Or I should ask, have you been dating her since the youngest was born?


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## Captaintender

MarmiteC said:


> I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
> 
> I think you need to decide and set your boundaries, and you have every right to do so. I see you wrote that you don't want to get divorced and that you love her very much. What do you think could be happening here? She seems a little blinded by this coach. Has she ever voiced to you any unhappiness previously?
> 
> I noticed from your intro post that she is 39.... could she be struggling with the looming 40? That in no way justifies her actions but I wonder if the attentions from a younger guy is making her feel good?
> 
> Her pushing you away seems to be an act to get the freedom to do as she pleases, and she needs to know that you are not ok with it.


She’s never told me she’s unhappy with our relationship until I confronted her about the affair or potential affair. Like I said we have disagreements and the typical marriage spats but never anything that would lead to this that I can recall. The intimacy and the sex life has been at a lull but again I think part of that is because of the unexpected pregnancy we had and then to stop that from being a thing again I went and got the snip. I guess if I looked at it hard enough she started to change a bit after our youngest was born but nothing to this extent


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## Captaintender

MarmiteC said:


> before this have there been other things indicating there's something goin on there? You say perhaps having another young one may be playing a part.
> 
> Do you date your wife? Or I should ask, have you been dating her since the youngest was born?


I don’t understand what you mean by date my wife? Like do we go out on dates and stuff like that?


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## MarmiteC

Captaintender said:


> I don’t understand what you mean by date my wife? Like do we go out on dates and stuff like that?


Yeah. I guess I'm asking as I wonder if it's an issue with her self esteem at the moment, how she feels about herself. If she feels youthful and beautiful.
Don't get me wrong, even if it is, she's handling it all wrong.


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## jonty30

Captaintender said:


> I don’t understand what you mean by date my wife? Like do we go out on dates and stuff like that?


He means that literally, like when you first met her and didn't know anything about her so you made your dates all about getting to know her better.
Showing interest in her again may cause her to become interested in you again.

20 Ideas for Dating Your Wife - FamilyLife®

Some ideas. There are other websites that have suggestions.


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## Captaintender

MarmiteC said:


> Yeah. I guess I'm asking as I wonder if it's an issue with her self esteem at the moment, how she feels about herself. If she feels youthful and beautiful.
> Don't get me wrong, even if it is, she's handling it all wrong.


No we really haven’t had the opportunity to go out just the two of us since the baby was born. In fact we couldn’t even get away to celebrate our anniversary between her teaching and cheer schedules and games and my work schedule and our older kids work schedules there’s never time for us to be just us


----------



## jonty30

Captaintender said:


> No we really haven’t had the opportunity to go out just the two of us since the baby was born. In fact we couldn’t even get away to celebrate our anniversary between her teaching and cheer schedules and games and my work schedule and our older kids work schedules there’s never time for us to be just us


You have to make the time.
If you don't dig the hole in your schedule, it's not going to dig itself. 

If she is willing to date you and it creates a renewed relationship between the two of you, I suggest making it a regular thing.


----------



## Captaintender

jonty30 said:


> You have to make the time.
> If you don't dig the hole in your schedule, it's not going to dig itself.
> 
> If she is willing to date you and it creates a renewed relationship between the two of you, I suggest making it a regular thing.


I will definitely give it a shot. I am down to do whatever I have to turn this around because I don’t want to do the alternative of getting divorced. I think she is using the whole divorce term as the easy way out instead of admitting that she messed up and owning her actions. I’m willing to try and make it all work out but I don’t know if I can get her to engage.


----------



## MarmiteC

jonty30 said:


> He means that literally, like when you first met her and didn't know anything about her so you made your dates all about getting to know her better.
> Showing interest in her again may cause her to become interested in you again.
> 
> 20 Ideas for Dating Your Wife - FamilyLife®
> 
> Some ideas. There are other websites that have suggestions.


I'm a she... maybe just giving you some insight into the female mind. Well, mine at least! 😆 



jonty30 said:


> You have to make the time.
> If you don't dig the hole in your schedule, it's not going to dig itself.
> 
> If she is willing to date you and it creates a renewed relationship between the two of you, I suggest making it a regular thing.


^^ This

BUT, she's overstepped a mark and needs to know also.


----------



## jonty30

MarmiteC said:


> I'm a she... maybe just giving you some insight into the female mind. Well, mine at least! 😆
> 
> 
> 
> ^^ This
> 
> BUT, she's overstepped a mark and needs to know also.


Yes, I determined that sometime after I made my post and when you posted your thread. 
She hasn't overstepped the line just yet, although she is definitely flirting with that, imo. 
If she has had sex with him, she's gone over and there is no coming back. 

However, if all she has had is an EA, it could be winked at if she is willing to work on the marriage. 
But she needs to make the effort and take it seriously.


----------



## ccpowerslave

First off, thank you for working such a difficult job at a bad time and helping your community.

With regards to your marital woes, that sucks.

If my wife was picking out Victoria’s Secrets items for another man and throwing “divorce” around I’d be inclined to take her up on it.


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## ABHale

Give her what she wants and report them to the school board or HR. Expose them to everyone and tell your girls first.

Why would you want to stay with such a person?


----------



## Dictum Veritas

OP, Women respond negatively to the pick-me-dance. She has set up competition between yourself and another man and set herself up as the prize. The only way to win is to refuse to play because in this game, the new, shiny, exciting and forbidden will always win over the old and reliable.

She wants a divorce, go to a lawyer and get the papers drawn up, use a shark and let her see the reality of her life without you. She's in an emotional affair already and since they have so much time together away from you, I can all but guarantee it's already gone physical.

Now is not the time to play her game. I know you love her, but she's already gone. It's counter-intuitive, but letting her go is perhaps the only way to get her back, if you indeed want her back in the end.

If I were you, I'd assume a full blown physical affair at this stage and I'd start the steps to remove her from your life. Make yourself the prize and if she wants to be with you, let her earn the privilege, but never, never do the pick-me-dance and compete with another man for your wife. Not only is that a sure fire way to definitely loose her, but she will loose all remaining respect for you, making even co-parenting effectively difficult.

I'm afraid you have only one play left to keep both your dignity and your wife (again, if you still want her) and that is to let her go on your terms, not hers.

See that lawyer, file for divorce and have her served. You'd be surprised how quickly the reality of loosing her family knock sense into most women.

Read up and apply a method called the 180. This is for you to detach from your wife and see the reality of what is happening from 50,000 ft up and not bogged in the emotional mire. You might even find that you would not want her anymore.

As I said, the chances of this already being a physical affair is not insignificant, I would wager that it is. For that reason, have yourself tested for STDs and stay away from her sexually until such time as she is recommitted to you and either proven that it was never a physical affair or have been tested for STDs herself. Some of that detritus can kill you and you don't know where the OM has been.

If possible, stake your claim on your domicile through legal means, after that, there are ways to move out without loosing the claim or have her move out. You can not mate-guard her at this time, she has already chosen to do whatever she did or wants to do. Nothing you do will change this short of chaining her up in her room. You being in the house with her is not going to stop a physical affair if that is what she has chosen. You may as well not be there to witness her coming home from dates. This will also give you the space you need to detach and see this from the 50,000 ft view and not struggling in the mire.

Expose this affair (emotional at least) to whomsoever you feels need to know. Her parents and family included. Affairs thrive in the dark and the light of truth kills them as sure as it kills toe-rot. Do not keep their secret for them, it only helps the affair grow and thrive.

The other man telling you directly that your wife is beautiful and he pursued her is concerning. He has no respect for and fear towards you. Your wife sees this as very strong behavior on his part. You need to take him down a notch. His family and work needs to know about him pursuing a married woman. Their place of employment may be a cesspool, but if threatened legally by a lawyer, most probably will not tolerate the affair behavior any longer.

In order to save you marriage, you must be willing to loose your wife. She already said she wants a divorce, there really is nothing left to loose by making her wish a reality, but you might just gain her respect and love back in the process of taking strong steps to rid yourself of her and a lot of husbands in your shoes realizes that once their wives turn away from the other man and back to them, these betrayed husbands really don't want the soiled goods back.

Exercise, get rid of the toxins your emotions are releasing in your body. Punch a bag, run. The physical exertion helps clear your head.

Good luck to you @Captaintender , this is not an easy road you are on, but you have been forced to navigate it. Do so by planning your steps carefully to bring you to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror with pride, be that with or without your wife.

It's a painful road, but we are here for you. Take the advice you need from here, because the advice comes from all walks of life and many varying experiences. I along with other posters only wish to help, because we have lived though this pain and some of us didn't have the help or advice you are receiving here, but wished that we did.

Now is the time to be strong, I suggest that you fake that strength (at least in front of your wife) until you really feel it.


----------



## SunCMars

Andy1001 said:


> @Captaintender if you want to stop this affair in its tracks then go to the school superintendent and complain about your wife and this guy’s inappropriate relationship. She seems undecided whether she’s going to continue her toxic behavior and the thought of either of them losing their jobs may shock her back to sanity.
> But unfortunately you are now plan B.
> Plan B never becomes plan A.


Both might lose their job.

Sounds righteous, but keep in mind the wife needs to be gainfully employed, else the divorce court will likely make OP pay more in the divorce.


----------



## jonty30

SunCMars said:


> Both might lose their job.
> 
> Sounds righteous, but keep in mind the wife needs to be gainfully employed, else the divorce court will likely make OP pay more in the divorce.


Divorce, than complain.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

SunCMars said:


> Both might lose their job.
> 
> Sounds righteous, but keep in mind the wife needs to be gainfully employed, else the divorce court will likely make OP pay more in the divorce.


Not really true. The legal calculations are based on earning potential, not current income. If that were true, I could have just quit my job or did something stupid to get me fired when I got divorced and have my employed ex-wife on the hook for support.

It's not what they earn, but what they are able to earn that counts.


----------



## ABHale

Good night, DON’T DO THE PICK ME DANCE!

Don’t beg, plea or follow her around like a puppy. You look/are weak and pathetic in her eyes doing these things.

Read and follow The 180.

Kick your cheating wife out of the bedroom.

Talk with a best divorce attorney in your area.

Sit your girls down and tell them that their mother is cheating on you. Because she is, it is either emotional, physical or both.

Expose her to your parents and hers, also the rest of the family.

The only way to end the affair is to expose it to the light of day.

DNA test your kids, all of them. 23 and me or anything you what to use.

Don’t show yourself as weak in front of your daughters. Explain that you have tried talking with their mom but she just blows up saying everything is your fault. Tell them you will not be a doormat or cuckold to any woman.


----------



## VladDracul

Captaintender said:


> I’m worried about my pension too if we end up divorced she’s entitled to half


Does she have a retirement plan? What state are you in? And like recommended, you need to consult with a divorce attorney asap. Pick the best in town and retain them before she does.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Brother, stop with the pick me dance. I have been there done that six years ago. Women do not respect weakness. They are wired to respect strength. Trust me. Been there done that. Being all lovey dovey in this situation is guaranteed to blow up in your face. Furthermore, she is blameshifting. Wake up. She is playing you from what you post.

Lets face it. She has banged the old coach. Old coach has no respect for you either playing with your wife’s leg under the table.

I would tell her, and I am speaking from experience, three is a crowd in this marriage. I want you to be happy so I want you to leave the house NOW! You have disrespected me in the worst way a woman can. Let her know you need to know where she will stay so you can have her served. She needs a wake up call.

In order to save your marriage you need to be unafraid of losing iT. Lets face it, right now it is not much of marriage with her floating in the land of rainbows and unicorns. BLOW THIS **** UP NOW!

Please feel free to PM me is you have questions. I was in your shoes, blew her world up, and we are now in our sixth year of R. It can be done, but it has to be done the right way. Listen to some of the wise folks on this site. They know what the post. They helped me.

PS: THank you for all you do as a fireman.


----------



## SunCMars

Some people are too good to be true.
You appear more than good enough, for this wife.

Oddly, she thinks otherwise.

She is going through that mid life crisis, all this during Covid, during losing seasons with their respective teams.
The chips have been down for her and she lost her mind.

What the hell is she thinking?

She has 4 children, the youngest, yet a toddler, at 3. 
She has a minimum of 15 years to raise that one.

Now, she is going to have to do this, mostly on her own?
The pressure she is going to receive in the future will dwarf what she has now.

This young coach will tire of her soon.
Her children will turn on her..

She will be alone, with most everyone not being very sympathetic to her side.

I feel sorry for you and the children.
I feel pity for her. I do.

She will survive, and she will get that temporary love and romance.
Maybe she will get lucky and find another husband.
These things happen.

I would be, more sad, than bitter.

She is lost.
Lost in a cruel world.

She is being taken, by what I feel, are outward forces.
Separating forces.
Yes, that.

Let her go, let her ruin her life.
That is her call, not yours....anymore.

I am sure there is more to the story, there always is.

A little madness goes a long way.



_Nemesis-_


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Dictum Veritas said:


> OP, Women respond negatively to the pick-me-dance. She has set up competition between yourself and another man and set herself up as the prize. The only way to win is to refuse to play because in this game, the new, shiny, exciting and forbidden will always win over the old and reliable.
> 
> She wants a divorce, go to a lawyer and get the papers drawn up, use a shark and let her see the reality of her life without you. She's in an emotional affair already and since they have so much time together away from you, I can all but guarantee it's already gone physical.
> 
> Now is not the time to play her game. I know you love her, but she's already gone. It's counter-intuitive, but letting her go is perhaps the only way to get her back, if you indeed want her back in the end.
> 
> If I were you, I'd assume a full blown physical affair at this stage and I'd start the steps to remove her from your life. Make yourself the prize and if she wants to be with you, let her earn the privilege, but never, never do the pick-me-dance and compete with another man for your wife. Not only is that a sure fire way to definitely loose her, but she will loose all remaining respect for you, making even co-parenting effectively difficult.
> 
> I'm afraid you have only one play left to keep both your dignity and your wife (again, if you still want her) and that is to let her go on your terms, not hers.
> 
> See that lawyer, file for divorce and have her served. You'd be surprised how quickly the reality of loosing her family knock sense into most women.
> 
> Read up and apply a method called the 180. This is for you to detach from your wife and see the reality of what is happening from 50,000 ft up and not bogged in the emotional mire. You might even find that you would not want her anymore.
> 
> As I said, the chances of this already being a physical affair is not insignificant, I would wager that it is. For that reason, have yourself tested for STDs and stay away from her sexually until such time as she is recommitted to you and either proven that it was never a physical affair or have been tested for STDs herself. Some of that detritus can kill you and you don't know where the OM has been.
> 
> If possible, stake your claim on your domicile through legal means, after that, there are ways to move out without loosing the claim or have her move out. You can not mate-guard her at this time, she has already chosen to do whatever she did or wants to do. Nothing you do will change this short of chaining her up in her room. You being in the house with her is not going to stop a physical affair if that is what she has chosen. You may as well not be there to witness her coming home from dates. This will also give you the space you need to detach and see this from the 50,000 ft view and not struggling in the mire.
> 
> Expose this affair (emotional at least) to whomsoever you feels need to know. Her parents and family included. Affairs thrive in the dark and the light of truth kills them as sure as it kills toe-rot. Do not keep their secret for them, it only helps the affair grow and thrive.
> 
> The other man telling you directly that your wife is beautiful and he pursued her is concerning. He has no respect for and fear towards you. Your wife sees this as very strong behavior on his part. You need to take him down a notch. His family and work needs to know about him pursuing a married woman. Their place of employment may be a cesspool, but if threatened legally by a lawyer, most probably will not tolerate the affair behavior any longer.
> 
> In order to save you marriage, you must be willing to loose your wife. She already said she wants a divorce, there really is nothing left to loose by making her wish a reality, but you might just gain her respect and love back in the process of taking strong steps to rid yourself of her and a lot of husbands in your shoes realizes that once their wives turn away from the other man and back to them, these betrayed husbands really don't want the soiled goods back.
> 
> Exercise, get rid of the toxins your emotions are releasing in your body. Punch a bag, run. The physical exertion helps clear your head.
> 
> Good luck to you @Captaintender , this is not an easy road you are on, but you have been forced to navigate it. Do so by planning your steps carefully to bring you to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror with pride, be that with or without your wife.
> 
> It's a painful road, but we are here for you. Take the advice you need from here, because the advice comes from all walks of life and many varying experiences. I along with other posters only wish to help, because we have lived though this pain and some of us didn't have the help or advice you are receiving here, but wished that we did.
> 
> Now is the time to be strong, I suggest that you fake that strength (at least in front of your wife) until you really feel it.


Well said my good man. You wax poetic.


----------



## dadstartingover

1. Stop involving the kids in the adult BS. They don't need to be roped into that. They're not your buddy. They're your children. You just introduced a whole storm of crazy into their little brains.

2. Yes she's having an affair. 

3. Her behavior after being confronted is TEXTBOOK. Fabricating stories, rewriting history....

4. Let her go. That's seriously the only solution here. Holding on and chasing just drives her further away. Distance is best for your mental health, as well.


----------



## jparistotle

ABHale said:


> Good night, DON’T DO THE PICK ME DANCE!
> 
> Don’t beg, plea or follow her around like a puppy. You look/are weak and pathetic in her eyes doing these things.
> 
> Read and follow The 180.
> 
> Kick your cheating wife out of the bedroom.
> 
> Talk with a best divorce attorney in your area.
> 
> Sit your girls down and tell them that their mother is cheating on you. Because she is, it is either emotional, physical or both.
> 
> Expose her to your parents and hers, also the rest of the family.
> 
> The only way to end the affair is to expose it to the light of day.
> 
> DNA test your kids, all of them. 23 and me or anything you what to use.
> 
> Don’t show yourself as weak in front of your daughters. Explain that you have tried talking with their mom but she just blows up saying everything is your fault. Tell them you will not be a doormat or cuckold to any woman.


Best advise I think for your situation. if your wife says she wants a divorce, then start the process. Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. If she starts to rewrite history then play it as needed for your parents her parents and your kids. The threat of divorce is real. Be prepared to move on from this women and have no further contact except for the kids. It will help you grow and see her for the person she is now.


----------



## ShatteredKat

Captaintender: 

In a nutshell:

"OP, Women respond negatively to the pick-me-dance. She has set up competition between yourself and another man and set herself up as the prize. The only way to win is to refuse to play because in this game, the new, shiny, exciting and forbidden will always win over the old and reliable. "

Read again the post by Dictum Veritas -


----------



## SunCMars

Dictum Veritas said:


> Not really true. The legal calculations are based on earning potential, not current income. If that were true, I could have just quit my job or did something stupid to get me fired when I got divorced and have my employed ex-wife on the hook for support.
> 
> It's not what they earn, but what they are able to earn that counts.


Yes, and no...

Not with children involved, 4 of them.
Well, three are minors.

Many teachers in the US do not earn much, it depends on the State and the District.
And, charter schools are often not unionized, hence lower pay and benefits.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

SunCMars said:


> Yes, and no...
> 
> Not with children involved, 4 of them.
> Well, three are minors.
> 
> Many teachers in the US do not earn much, it depends on the State and the District.
> And, charter schools are often not unionized, hence lower pay and benefits.


If @Captaintender wants his wife back, I would say that breaking up the workplace romance outweighs the current income loss. Yes, there are some considerations for current income in the court system, but that is mostly for short term support. There I agree with you, but I was willing to pay in the short term to get a better deal in the long run when I got divorced. To be clear, my ex didn't loose her job, because her adultery was not with a co-worker, but at the time I suspected it might have been and was fully prepared to blow up her employment situation at the cost of short term support payments. Ongoing child support and spousal support is almost without exception calculated on earning potential.

Best thing to do however is always to run such a thing past a lawyer, more familiar with local laws and statutes. Pick the best bull-dog, shark of a lawyer who is known for fighting for men in court and follow his/her advice. Oh and never hold the lawyer back because you feel sorry for your wife. Let the lawyer play freely in his chosen game without restriction. In the end, it's best for everybody.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

If I may speak from experience, and keep in mind that infidelity is not a one size fits all occurrence. Each situation is unique. as DSO advised LET HER GO! Right now everything is wonderful in her world. She is doing what cheaters do, re-writing martial history to convince themselves that YOU are the problem NOT them. Take 50% responsibility for what has happened in your marriage. Cheating is 100% on her. Do not let her try to blame you for her actions. Do not ever let her tell you she made a mistake. She did not just trip and fall on his ****. She made a DECISION.

Now I am going to take you to the yellow footprints of Sgt. NLLH bootcamp for betrayed me. Imaging R Lee Ermy as I have told other posters, only I am better looking LOL. You have arrived at a place similar to Parris Island. You just have got off the bus with other BH and you are now at attention on the yellow footprints. I am in front barking at you men. LISTEN UP! Your response is to shout loud and proud, YES SGT.NLLH! Got it

1) You have been betrayed in the worst possible way. You have taken a hit. You are in a termporary place. GOT IT.
HOW YOU COME OUT OF IT IS UP TO YOU ! YOU HAVE THE POWER! UNDERSTAND!?

2) PICK ME DANCE! HELL NO! NOT ALLOWED HERE! YOU WILL SEND HER ON HER WAY WISHING HER THE BEST!
UNDERSTAND RECRUIT?! YES SGT!

3) SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! I REPEAT SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! SHE IS YOUR ENEMY CURRENTLY. REMEMBER THIS.

4) CONSEQUENCES REQUIRED! FILE DIVORCE PAPERS ASAP. SET THE NARRATIVE YOUR WAY!

5) You can and will work on you. 180, 180 180 180 180 180 GOT IT!

6) You can and will work on you. Hit the gym. Become leaner and meaner. GOT IT.

7) DO NOT SPEAK TO HER FROM HER ON OUT ABOUT ANYTHING. RADIO SILENCE! ONLY SPEAK TO HER ABOUT YOUR KIDS OR PENDING DIVORCE!

8) CONSEQUENCES. SHE MUST EXPERIENCE THEM. HIT HER HARD. BLOW HER WORLD UP! HOW! EXPOSURE!
EXPOSURE KILLS AFFAIRS. EXPOSE TO FAMILY, FRIENDS, and OTHERS! DO NOT LET HER CONTROL THE NARRATIVE.

9) SHE WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE NOT YOU! SHE CHEATED NOT YOU! LAWYER UP!

10) EXPOSE OLD COACH AND YOUR WIFE TO THEIR SUPERIORS. SUNLIGHT IS A WONDERFUL DISINFECTANT.

I do not want to go back six years ago, but my FWW too had an affair with a co-worker. I started out with the nice guy-pick me-pick me- UNTIL.,...I found TAM.... the good posters whacked ol‘ Sgt. Jon upside the head with a few two by fours. What did I do. (Keep in mind it may not apply to your situation)

Sgt. Jon went ballistic. I exposed on facebook letting people know I was divorcing my wife as she was in an affair with so and so (yes I named him publicly) I exposed to our siblings, my adult kids and they ripped ol mom to shreds. She was embarrassed. Even asked me “ how could you do this to me?” When I exposed. LOL. I replied “ How could you do what you did to me after 29 years of marriage?” Point me.

Your post brings back memories and I feel for guys who have been through what we have. You situation if you wish to save your marriage requires you step outside of your comfort zone and BE BOLD IN YOUR ACTIONS.

KNOCK HER OUT OF HER LA LA LAND NOW.

CONSEQUENCES! “Charlie Mike”.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

@Captaintender , I'd suggest listening to @No Longer Lonely Husband . He has his wife back. I took similar action and my ex-wife wanted to come back, I didn't want her anymore.

I have never, once heard of dating your wife or the pick-me-dance working in the long run when a man's wife has such low regard for him as to commit adultery. Rug-sweeping works in the short term for some, the pick-me-dance kills her desire for you and drives her away, but manning up and kicking an adulterous wife out of the marriage always has a definite outcome. Either she is gone (which she already is) or she sees what she is losing and desires what you have taken off the table, that being yourself and the marriage. Either way, you stand with your dignity and self-respect intact and that is always the definite outcome of decisive action.


----------



## VladDracul

SunCMars said:


> Many teachers in the US do not earn much, it depends on the State and the District.


Oftentimes, neither do firefighters Sun; unless they have sufficient rank. He didn't say what % of total household income they each earn nor what state they are in so its a hard to speculate what the court would do. At any rate, his marriage seems to be circling the bowl considering the unpredictability of his bitter half. Sounds to me like she's lost considerable interest in her old man and was looking for someone to add a little intrigue to her life. And what could do that better than a younger alpha predator in search of MILF teachers who he can inundate with attention, use manipulative language, play a victim, play on her compassion and pity, make her feel indispensable to his needs, gain info on her "history" with her husband he can use, make sexual comments, et cetera. What our man Captaintender needs to realize is the new coach feels entitled to bang other men's wives. Unfortunately his bitter half is likely unwilling and may be incapable of realizing when he's done with her, he'll simply move on to another target.


----------



## VladDracul

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> 3) SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! I REPEAT SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! SHE IS YOUR ENEMY CURRENTLY. REMEMBER THIS.


Amen to that. Jeckle and Hyde is a better description.


----------



## MattMatt

dadstartingover said:


> 1. Stop involving the kids in the adult BS. They don't need to be roped into that. They're not your buddy. They're your children. You just introduced a whole storm of crazy into their little brains.
> 
> 2. Yes she's having an affair.
> 
> 3. Her behavior after being confronted is TEXTBOOK. Fabricating stories, rewriting history....
> 
> 4. Let her go. That's seriously the only solution here. Holding on and chasing just drives her further away. Distance is best for your mental health, as well.


OP didn't involve his children. His wife did. How so? Having an affair with the children's coach and possibly involving other colleagues as covers means that she has involved the children.

To cheat on her husband in such a public forum and risk making a spectacle of herself before her colleagues, her children and their friends is all kinds of wrong.

Incidentally, two teachers tried to cover an affair at my school. Everyone including schoolkids knew before their spouses did.


----------



## Gabriel

First off, I appreciate the detail of your story. Makes it easier to relate to it.

Here's what is happening.

1) Your wife started getting attention from the coach. She liked it. Younger guy, probably athletic, former football player. She is feeling flattered and desirable.
2) Your marriage has gotten stale - kids have taken over, and you haven't done enough in the romantic department. So she is ultra receptive to the coach's advances.
3) The former coach, assistant coaches, etc. all think your wife is a hot cougar, and are encouraging the new head coach's efforts to bang your wife. In fact, they were likely all looking at her and making comments long before the coach approached her.
4) The coach has no interest in any long term relationship with your wife. This is all about banging the cheer coach.

Here's what you need to do:

1) Tell your wife you aren't going to play games. That you are willing to re-invigorate your marriage (by taking her out, more sex, up the romance, etc) but you aren't going to put up with this crap with the coach. 
2) Take action, book a hotel room or a fancy dinner, or something. Get a sitter or tell your older daughter, since it seems she is now aware of the situation. Say, look, your mom and I need to work some things out and would love it if you can watch the young ones today. Whatever you need to do to make the time.
3) Toward the end of the fancy date, tell her more of this is on the table, but cut things off with the coach now, or you will call an attorney. Tell her you have one picked out already (bluff). Tell her that if she's willing to throw away her family for a guy that's just looking to hit it and quit it, then that's her choice.
4) Do this all with conviction but without anger or desperation. Just facts. No wavering. No crying. No whining. Be strong but not a jerk about it.


----------



## jjj858

Damn this is tough to read. Sounds like she’s monkey-branching. Her repeated statements that you should just get divorced sounds like her basically trying to get you to give her permission to go with this guy. If you agree to it she has the green light to get with lover boy.


----------



## GusPolinski

Definitely cheating. Old coach may have been a lover at some point as well.

Good news is that you’re likely entitled to half her pension as well. Get a good lawyer.

DNA _at least_ the youngest kid.


----------



## rugswept

She's carefully choosing the leg huggers from Victoria Secret and trying to make sure the colors "are right". I guess she wants to show him the leg huggers in the package so he can admire the leggies. 

Once it gets to the new lingerie for some other dude, your M is already in the sh**ter. And you bring up anything and out of the blue you've been this, and you've been that, and you've been controlling and it's all your fault. That is ALWAYS the talk to justify an A. You made her do it by being an insensitive mean bastard who gave her no freedom. This is classic blameshifting. And she went straight for the D word as the remedy for her ills. 

She's enthralled with hot new 29 year old athletic dude showing interest in her. The interest in her is completely sexual, I can guarantee you that. Once she tries to go "serious" with the dude, the relationship is over. 

The number of red flares in your post were huge. It all points to an ongoing PA. And he's trying to expand her role to being the Saturday nighter, for extra special fun. 

Beware. Assume the worst. What some of the others have said: shock her back to reality with the possible D terms and how her life will be different. She's in the middle of some limerant mess combined with the onset of a mid life crisis. That's a killer combo. She doesn't get she's playing with fire and her life, if your M ends, won't be worth two cents. And yes, employ your older daughters on mom. They won't be impressed with her, at all. 

Good Luck. Prepare for a long miserable battle. You're in one already.


----------



## Livvie

She isn't interested in the marriage. Instead of coming to you with concerns, and/or asking to go to counseling, asking for changes, etc., she instead decided to have an emotional affair. 

She doesn't want you, and she is a person capable of engaging with another man to the gross point she has. Why would you want to stay married to her? She isn't interested in working on the marriage or in you. She's interested in working on her relationship with this other man. And she isn't even very smart about it 🙄. A 29 year old single man isn't going to marry a woman 10 years older than himself with FOUR kids. A women who started chasing him while still married. I just don't see that happening. Reality is going to slap that young man in the face sooner or later.

I'd start visiting attorneys and learning about divorce in your state.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Gabriel said:


> First off, I appreciate the detail of your story. Makes it easier to relate to it.
> 
> Here's what is happening.
> 
> 1) Your wife started getting attention from the coach. She liked it. Younger guy, probably athletic, former football player. She is feeling flattered and desirable.
> 2) Your marriage has gotten stale - kids have taken over, and you haven't done enough in the romantic department. So she is ultra receptive to the coach's advances.
> 3) The former coach, assistant coaches, etc. all think your wife is a hot cougar, and are encouraging the new head coach's efforts to bang your wife. In fact, they were likely all looking at her and making comments long before the coach approached her.
> 4) The coach has no interest in any long term relationship with your wife. This is all about banging the cheer coach.
> 
> Here's what you need to do:
> 
> 1) Tell your wife you aren't going to play games. That you are willing to re-invigorate your marriage (by taking her out, more sex, up the romance, etc) but you aren't going to put up with this crap with the coach.
> 2) Take action, book a hotel room or a fancy dinner, or something. Get a sitter or tell your older daughter, since it seems she is now aware of the situation. Say, look, your mom and I need to work some things out and would love it if you can watch the young ones today. Whatever you need to do to make the time.
> 3) Toward the end of the fancy date, tell her more of this is on the table, but cut things off with the coach now, or you will call an attorney. Tell her you have one picked out already (bluff). Tell her that if she's willing to throw away her family for a guy that's just looking to hit it and quit it, then that's her choice.
> 4) Do this all with conviction but without anger or desperation. Just facts. No wavering. No crying. No whining. Be strong but not a jerk about it.


Hell NO Hell No Hell No. Do not book a hotel. Do not have a romantic dinner. CLASSIC PICK ME! GO STRAIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY NOW


----------



## jsmart

I agree with most that this has likely already gone physical. That this guy was blatantly rubbing your wife’s thighs feet from you tells me this guy has no fear of you. Women respond to boldness. What he did probably had your wife dripping.

I give you props for confronting POS but he has no fear of you and your wife is taking his side. She actually thinks this guy wants something serious with her but everyone here knows this guy just wants to bang her for a few months. He’s not looking for an older woman with 4 kids , especially with one of those kids being 3 years old.

If you want to save this marriage, you really have to be willing to lose it. It sounds counter intuitive but women respond to strength and boldness. See how this guy is going for what he wants with no F’s given. Your wife is responding to that. See how you’re gingerly confronting her and trying to use logic and niceness on her? She is turned off by that.

You need to have your wife served D papers at her job. Then expose both of them at work. Expose her to both of your families and close family friends. I know it’s embarrassing to air your dirty laundry but your wife needs to face some shame. Right now she’s very haughty. That’s why she must be brought down by a shock and awe campaign.


----------



## ConanHub

Trying to romance a woman who is in the middle of an affair is a very iffy at best tactic that often just gives her validation through having two men compete for her.

She needs a wake up. This needs exposed.

You can make it known you want to work on your marriage but the affair needs to be ended first.

Expose them and the shine will come off this turd.

You don't have to get them fired but having an adult talk with the school can put a damper on their bull ****.

She still might not turn it around and try and save your marriage but she is dead set on destroying it right now and her AP is far too confident with his pursuit.

Crush that little worm.


----------



## Evinrude58

Youve been given good advice. It seems impossible to file for divorce and truly move on when you love someone, but only you ACTUALLY MOVING ON in your mind and filing will break this affair or she will simply continue it and shows you your true value to her.
Any niceness you show her is cutting off your own arm.

re-writing your marital history “our marriage has been in terrible shape” —- that is CLASSIC cheater script. It will continue so she can convince herself, your kids, your and her family, and anyone else what a bad guy you are and bad husband so she can look at herself in the mirror.

don’t let this happen. Expose her now and file or you can kiss your marriage goodbye.
Without her coming to YOU to fix things, you have no chance.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Do NOT "date" your wife. Do NOT play the pick me game, not even in an effort to show her what she would be missing. She most probably will be thinking about the other man right throughout your "date". One does not ply a child with candy while he is scratching your car's paint with a screwdriver?

The reality of consequences is the only thing that will shatter her fantasy world of unicorn farts and eternal love with the OM.


----------



## Rob_1

Captaintender said:


> I truly don’t want a divorce I love her she is my best friend but I don’t know why or what caused her to become unhappy with me or the relationship we have had for all of these years. She refuses to talk to me about anything right now.


It's so freaking pathetic when I read about men acting like 13 years old girls whining, wringing their hands, not knowing what to do and how to do it. Men that have lost their self respect, their dignity, and their balls when their cheating, gaslighting immoral cake eating wife tell them that they want a divorce and the reply is: I don't want a divorce, how can you do that to me, I love you. Sickening, man sickening. Like if you loving her has anything to do at all in this situation. You have in front of you a woman that right on your face she's monkey branching, thinking that the grass is greener in the other side and you are acting like a scared little girl trying to hold onto her. Have some respect for yourself dude, because obviously she lost her respect for you.

A man that has dignity, self respect, is sure of himself in this situation immediately and without hesitation files for divorce. Shows her that he's not a pathetic wimp to be played with and disrespected.
you don't leave your home, do not sleep together. Do the 180. you get a VAR to protect yourself against a DV charge. Separate commingle funds, open a new account and put half of the money into a new account and follow your lawyer's advice. That's what you do.

LAWYER UP ALREADY DUDE. because if you don't you are going to be railroaded, and when it happens you will have not one to blame but yourself. Just know this: she's miles ahead of you.


----------



## Openminded

Your wife was very likely bored with her every-day life and when boy-toy started giving her some attention she jumped. Of course, boy-toy isn’t going to ride happily into the sunset with her but she’s in the fog and doesn’t see that (I’m sure he does though). Now she thinks you’re mean and controlling and she’s ready to dump you to see what she might could get going with him. Who knows, she might have had the same thing going with old coach too. IOW, this might not be as recent on her part as you think — she may have been looking around for a little while. If you divorce her, boy-toy will probably dump her sooner rather than later and she’ll come running back to you. Right now, she has stars in her eyes so getting through to her is difficult since she’s busily playing out her fantasy with boy-toy.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rob_1 said:


> It's so freaking pathetic when I read about men acting like 13 years old girls whining, wringing their hands, not knowing what to do and how to do it. Men that have lost their self respect, their dignity, and their balls when their cheating, gaslighting immoral cake eating wife tell them that they want a divorce and the reply is: I don't want a divorce, how can you do that to me, I love you. Sickening, man sickening. Like if you loving her has anything to do at all in this situation. You have in front of you a woman that right on your face she's monkey branching, thinking that the grass is greener in the other side and you are acting like a scared little girl trying to hold onto her. Have some respect for yourself dude, because obviously she lost her respect for you.
> 
> A man that has dignity, self respect, is sure of himself in this situation immediately and without hesitation files for divorce. Shows her that he's not a pathetic wimp to be played with and disrespected.
> you don't leave your home, do not sleep together. Do the 180. you get a VAR to protect yourself against a DV charge. Separate commingle funds, open a new account and put half of the money into a new account and follow your lawyer's advice. That's what you do.
> 
> LAWYER UP ALREADY DUDE. because if you don't you are going to be railroaded, and when it happens you will have not one to blame but yourself. Just know this: she's miles ahead of you.


To be fair, OP is still in a state of shock. He is in the sticky mire of emotions and needs to detach and see things from 50,000 feet up to get the clear picture.

I grant you that men have been feminized by society, "entertainment", propaganda, the feminist legal system, feminist principles in general and single mom homes to go against their primal instincts that would have lead them to the correct reaction immediately, but it's not easy to break a lifetime of indoctrination even if it's in the name of self-preservation.

We can but hope to break the cycle by instilling the correct values into our own sons and daughters. The previous generation in the West has failed miserably in doing so.

Despite their protestations to the contrary, women do not like, nor do they respect men who act in a fashion other than manly.


----------



## sideways

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> If I may speak from experience, and keep in mind that infidelity is not a one size fits all occurrence. Each situation is unique. as DSO advised LET HER GO! Right now everything is wonderful in her world. She is doing what cheaters do, re-writing martial history to convince themselves that YOU are the problem NOT them. Take 50% responsibility for what has happened in your marriage. Cheating is 100% on her. Do not let her try to blame you for her actions. Do not ever let her tell you she made a mistake. She did not just trip and fall on his ****. She made a DECISION.
> 
> Now I am going to take you to the yellow footprints of Sgt. NLLH bootcamp for betrayed me. Imaging R Lee Ermy as I have told other posters, only I am better looking LOL. You have arrived at a place similar to Parris Island. You just have got off the bus with other BH and you are now at attention on the yellow footprints. I am in front barking at you men. LISTEN UP! Your response is to shout loud and proud, YES SGT.NLLH! Got it
> 
> 1) You have been betrayed in the worst possible way. You have taken a hit. You are in a termporary place. GOT IT.
> HOW YOU COME OUT OF IT IS UP TO YOU ! YOU HAVE THE POWER! UNDERSTAND!?
> 
> 2) PICK ME DANCE! HELL NO! NOT ALLOWED HERE! YOU WILL SEND HER ON HER WAY WISHING HER THE BEST!
> UNDERSTAND RECRUIT?! YES SGT!
> 
> 3) SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! I REPEAT SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! SHE IS YOUR ENEMY CURRENTLY. REMEMBER THIS.
> 
> 4) CONSEQUENCES REQUIRED! FILE DIVORCE PAPERS ASAP. SET THE NARRATIVE YOUR WAY!
> 
> 5) You can and will work on you. 180, 180 180 180 180 180 GOT IT!
> 
> 6) You can and will work on you. Hit the gym. Become leaner and meaner. GOT IT.
> 
> 7) DO NOT SPEAK TO HER FROM HER ON OUT ABOUT ANYTHING. RADIO SILENCE! ONLY SPEAK TO HER ABOUT YOUR KIDS OR PENDING DIVORCE!
> 
> 8) CONSEQUENCES. SHE MUST EXPERIENCE THEM. HIT HER HARD. BLOW HER WORLD UP! HOW! EXPOSURE!
> EXPOSURE KILLS AFFAIRS. EXPOSE TO FAMILY, FRIENDS, and OTHERS! DO NOT LET HER CONTROL THE NARRATIVE.
> 
> 9) SHE WILL LEAVE THE HOUSE NOT YOU! SHE CHEATED NOT YOU! LAWYER UP!
> 
> 10) EXPOSE OLD COACH AND YOUR WIFE TO THEIR SUPERIORS. SUNLIGHT IS A WONDERFUL DISINFECTANT.
> 
> I do not want to go back six years ago, but my FWW too had an affair with a co-worker. I started out with the nice guy-pick me-pick me- UNTIL.,...I found TAM.... the good posters whacked ol‘ Sgt. Jon upside the head with a few two by fours. What did I do. (Keep in mind it may not apply to your situation)
> 
> Sgt. Jon went ballistic. I exposed on facebook letting people know I was divorcing my wife as she was in an affair with so and so (yes I named him publicly) I exposed to our siblings, my adult kids and they ripped ol mom to shreds. She was embarrassed. Even asked me “ how could you do this to me?” When I exposed. LOL. I replied “ How could you do what you did to me after 29 years of marriage?” Point me.
> 
> Your post brings back memories and I feel for guys who have been through what we have. You situation if you wish to save your marriage requires you step outside of your comfort zone and BE BOLD IN YOUR ACTIONS.
> 
> KNOCK HER OUT OF HER LA LA LAND NOW.
> 
> CONSEQUENCES! “Charlie Mike”.


^^^^^THIS^^^^^

Do NOT let fear keep you from taking action!!!


----------



## lifeistooshort

Openminded said:


> Your wife was very likely bored with her every-day life and when boy-toy started giving her some attention she jumped. Of course, boy-toy isn’t going to ride happily into the sunset with her but she’s in the fog and doesn’t see that (I’m sure he does though). Now she thinks you’re mean and controlling and she’s ready to dump you to see what she might could get going with him. Who knows, she might have had the same thing going with old coach too. IOW, this might not be as recent on her part as you think — she may have been looking around for a little while. If you divorce her, boy-toy will probably dump her sooner rather than later and she’ll come running back to you. Right now, she has stars in her eyes so getting through to her is difficult since she’s busily playing out her fantasy with boy-toy.


Yeah...women tend to view affairs as replacement tryouts (as opposed to men who are more likely to just wamt strange but also to keep their marriage). It doesn't occur to them that a guy who's happy to **** them probably doesn't want them and their baggage full time.

I know someone personally right now who was a serial cheat and left her husband but is now trying to go back to him. She overestimated her value and hasn't been able to replace the nice lifestyle he provided. Those of us who know him are hoping he doesn't take her back.


----------



## AttaBoy

Captaintender said:


> So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.


First, trust your gut. It's your "best friend" and advisor right now. 
Second, I am sure you understand this by now, but there is no "maybe having an affair". Your wife is IN an affair and valuing it above her marital relationship. 
Third, the exchange I quoted from you should make it absolutely crystal clear to you that she wants a sexual relationship with her AP, she has been planning for a sexual relationship with her AP, and she is excited AF to engage in sexual infidelity with her AP. 
You are clearly a strong man who loves his wife. You've got to show that strength now and every day going forward. No bargaining, rugsweeping, indecision, or accepting blame.
She has a choice to make, you and the family and home you've built together OR being used for the holes in her body by a POS with no other interest in her. It's really that simple.


----------



## Rob_1

Dictum Veritas said:


> To be fair, OP is still in a state of shock. He is in the sticky mire of emotions and needs to detach and see things from 50,000 feet up to get the clear picture.
> 
> I grant you that men have been feminized by society, "entertainment", propaganda, the feminist legal system, feminist principles in general and single mom homes to go against their primal instincts that would have lead them to the correct reaction immediately, but it's not easy to break a lifetime of indoctrination even if it's in the name of self-preservation.
> 
> We can but hope to break the cycle by instilling the correct values into our own sons and daughters. The previous generation in the West has failed miserably in doing so.
> 
> Despite their protestations to the contrary, women do not like, nor do they respect men who act in a fashion other than manly.


Your right, and I should apologize to the OP. maybe because I never was one that would be so in shock that I wouldn't know what to do and try to keep her at all cost. I always was so like:
Rob_1 I want a divorce. me: Bye, and turn around. My first wife I made her pay for the divorce. She wants it, let her pay for it. The thing is by the time these men in shock react they have lost all sense of self respect not just to themselves, but in front of their enemy: the wife.


----------



## jlg07

Captaintender said:


> She’s never told me she’s unhappy with our relationship until I confronted her about the affair or potential affair. Like I said we have disagreements and the typical marriage spats but never anything that would lead to this that I can recall. The intimacy and the sex life has been at a lull but again I think part of that is because of the unexpected pregnancy we had and then to stop that from being a thing again I went and got the snip. I guess if I looked at it hard enough she started to change a bit after our youngest was born but nothing to this extent


She is in the fog of her at LEAST EA (emotional affair). She is actively re-writing your marital history to justify to herself why it is ok for her to have an affair. The reason she is STILL not having sex with you is because she wants the coach and NOT you right now.

You need to get with a lawyer ASAP to see how a divorce would play out -- finances, child support/custody, etc..
Do not try to bluff her that you will divorce -- if you tell her this, mean it and hand her the papers.
IF she does decide to "stop" the affair -- she will need to get a new job that is not around this guy.


----------



## Rob_1

AttaBoy said:


> She has a choice to make


No. why leave that decision to her? He should make that decision for her like yesterday. She made her bed, she should lay on it.


----------



## jlg07

Captaintender said:


> I will definitely give it a shot. I am down to do whatever I have to turn this around because I don’t want to do the alternative of getting divorced. I think she is using the whole divorce term as the easy way out instead of admitting that she messed up and owning her actions. I’m willing to try and make it all work out but I don’t know if I can get her to engage.


You starting to date her NOW is NOT going to solve the issue with the coach. If she doesn't see the error of her ways and own up to that, she will NOT be a safe spouse for you going forward.
You need to force her to choose and be prepared in your own head if she doesn't choose you.
Also, expose what she is doing to friends and family. Make sure you have screen captured those messages with him back/forth and don't tell her how you got them.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

ConanHub said:


> Trying to romance a woman who is in the middle of an affair is a very iffy at best tactic that often just gives her validation through having two men compete for her.
> 
> She needs a wake up. This needs exposed.
> 
> You can make it known you want to work on your marriage but the affair needs to be ended first.
> 
> Expose them and the shine will come off this turd.
> 
> You don't have to get them fired but having an adult talk with the school can put a damper on their bull ****.
> 
> She still might not turn it around and try and save your marriage but she is dead set on destroying it right now and her AP is far too confident with his pursuit.
> 
> Crush that little worm.


IF I COULD LIKE 1000X


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

One thing I missed. You mentioned seeing a marriage counselor.Maybe later. She needs to get into IC should you decided to R first to find out why she is so ****ing messed up.

She is in the fog, and you need to knock her out of it in bold fashion. No time to let fear rule your actions. Fear Not!


----------



## Marc878

For gods sake. Your marriage isn’t broken. Your wife is. A lot of marriage counselors are morons. Do not jump into marriage counseling. A lot will make this worse.

Go online and check your phone bill.
Stay out of denial. Your wife is neck deep in an affair.
You cannot make her do a thing. Stop whining about not wanting a divorce. It just makes you look weak.
Her shiny new boyfriend isn’t the problem. He is just taking what your wife is freely giving him.


----------



## Amanhasnoname

MattMatt said:


> *OP didn't involve his children. His wife did. How so? Having an affair with the children's coach and possibly involving other colleagues as covers means that she has involved the children.
> 
> To cheat on her husband in such a public forum and risk making a spectacle of herself before her colleagues, her children and their friends is all kinds of wrong.*
> 
> Incidentally, two teachers tried to cover an affair at my school. Everyone including schoolkids knew before their spouses did.


Agreed. 
Plus the severe disrespect of inviting you along to meet up with her AP (this is at the very least an emotional affair although could be way more).
Cheaters often do this sort of sneaky move to throw you off the scent or maybe she's trying to force a situation where you suspect her and start a fight with the OM 'forcing' her into the arms of another man. 
She's already trying to rewrite the history of your marriage to blame you for everything, don't let her get away with that BS.

Now is not the time to seem timid or needy with her. Look on this as war, be strong and take no prisoners. It looks as if she's already gone in her mind the only way you will be able to put a stop to this (if you decide you want to) is to act decisively not by begging or pleading.
Go see a lawyer find out how you stand legally in the event of a divorce then get papers drawn up. You have plenty of time to stop the divorce if she gets her head out of her ass but it might shock her into looking at things a little differently.

I know you love her but showing weakness is not attractive to women you need to show strength. Keep a VAR on you at all times, she seems the type who may file false DV charges against you.
Best of luck.


----------



## Marc878

The pick me dance makes you look weak and unattractive while making her new boyfriend look strong and virile. Nicing her back has the same affect. Better wake up.


----------



## SunCMars

That which holds each other together in a marriage is personal.

It is commonly, love and loyalty.

She is no longer, even commonly a wife.

Look at the position she has put her children into.
She is no longer a common mother.

She is a common wasp.


----------



## SunCMars

The fact that she was willing and planning to go out with him on an odd Saturday, says it all.

She was going to dress nice for him, with the leggings.

And, she commented that she was going to wear her Victoria's Secret lingerie.

They have had sexual intercourse. 
Probably, they have had many quickies in the back of either's auto.

There is no way either would be comfortable talking this way, if they had not.


----------



## Rob_1

SunCMars said:


> There is no way either would be comfortable talking this way, if they had not.


Yes, but to OP at this moment it doesn't matter. He just "love" her so much that he is willing to keep her at all cost, and that my friend it could be the possibility that he's getting sloppy seconds.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Dictum Veritas said:


> To be fair, OP is still in a state of shock. He is in the sticky mire of emotions and needs to detach and see things from 50,000 feet up to get the clear picture.
> 
> I grant you that men have been feminized by society, "entertainment", propaganda, the feminist legal system, feminist principles in general and single mom homes to go against their primal instincts that would have lead them to the correct reaction immediately, but it's not easy to break a lifetime of indoctrination even if it's in the name of self-preservation.
> 
> We can but hope to break the cycle by instilling the correct values into our own sons and daughters. The previous generation in the West has failed miserably in doing so.
> 
> Despite their protestations to the contrary, women do not like, nor do they respect men who act in a fashion other than manly.


I have been there. Started out doing pick me.....did not work. 180 and **** you attitude and my scorched earth approach did.


----------



## gr8ful1

Captaintender said:


> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months.


Hate to say this but the AP made your wife hot for sex and she used you as her dildo, no doubt imagining him was doing her both times.



Captaintender said:


> I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday.


That’s because they’ve taken it underground now. Likely using apps for communications which is far harder to track. They 100% know iMessages have been compromised so they won’t make that mistake again.

If you haven’t read many stories here, you should. You’ll soon see patterns, like the ONLY successful men in this situation are the ones that go full strength and take control of the situation. You’ll also see that the saying is true: “The ONLY way to even possibly save your marriage is to fully risk losing it”. That means you file for divorce NOW. You can ALWAYS stop it if your wife pulls her head out of her ass. Tell everyone WHY you are filing - her family first. Here’s the key tho - this cannot be a bluff. You need to be 100% serious in your heart that you will not tolerate being treated this way and that unless she moves heaven and earth to win YOU back, this marriage is over.

As has been stated, women respect strength and decisiveness. As a firefighter, your house/marriage is engulfed in flames. Are you going to sit passively by and watch what she decides to do, or are you going to take full action?? Start by telling her to GTFO of your house and that you will be serving her (ideally at her job!).


----------



## jsmart

SunCMars said:


> The fact that she was willing and planning to go out with him on an odd Saturday, says it all.
> 
> She was going to dress nice for him, with the leggings.
> 
> And, she commented that she was going to wear her Victoria's Secret lingerie.
> 
> They have had sexual intercourse.
> Probably, they have had many quickies in the back of either's auto.
> 
> There is no way either would be comfortable talking this way, if they had not.


A few quickies and BJs in back of car is what I suspect as well. This POS now wants a complete day . Wants to take the time to savor his wife and she’s so excited for it. Even getting special lingerie just for him. 

I suspect that the way POS boldly talked about how attractive he found his wife when he was confronted that he is also looking to humiliate OP. It will add to their excitement. Personally, I don’t know how that confrontation didn’t go to blows. When you’re telling some dude to back off and he responds with how attractive she looks, there’s nothing left to say.


----------



## syhoybenden

Cut her loose.

Then

29 year old boy sees a 40 year old momma with 4 brats in tow eyeing him like a hungry dog looking in a butcher store window

well

he’s not about to let the door hit him on the rear end as he exits the situation.


----------



## jonty30

syhoybenden said:


> Cut her loose.
> 
> Then
> 
> 29 year old boy sees a 40 year old momma with 4 brats in tow eyeing him like a hungry dog looking in a butcher store window
> 
> well
> 
> he’s not about to let the door hit him on the rear end as he exits the situation.


There is a gallows level of humour that middle aged women, with children, think their husbands are easily replaceable.


----------



## re16

@Captaintender

In life, you reward behavior you want repeated. I don't think you want her repeating this, so you need to enforce severe consequences, not reward this behavior.

Any advice telling you to be extra nice, date her, etc... is a sure path to failure. You will look weak.

She was asking him what color stockings he wants her to wear? Seriously, this is way bigger than you think. If they are at that point, this likely already went to PA to some extent. Tip of an iceberg.

You need to call her bluff ASAP, go to a lawyer and inform her that you are filing (you could always stop this action in the next year if you want).

Go to the school HR and tell them what the coach was texting her about and that he admitted to it.

Kick her out of the bedroom, request that she leave the house.

She'll change her tune after you do this stuff and she realizes what she is losing ( or she won't and you'll know what you are dealing with).

When she comes around and starts apologizing for all this, tell her you want a detailed timeline, and she will be taking a polygraph to verify its contents.

This is the only route to saving your marriage, if that is what you want to do.

Remember, you can't forgive what you don't know, and you don't how far this went yet, or if he is the first time this has happened with her.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

OK , I had sympathy up to when you told your daughter that you thought her mother might be involved with the coach. What on earth were you thinking? This tells me you have no boundaries, and I will warn you that judges look upon dragging your children into marriage problems very dimly. Leave your poor kids out of your problems. YOU are the one doing this to your kids. 

Your wife has mentioned divorce twice. Give her one.


----------



## jonty30

DownByTheRiver said:


> OK , I had sympathy up to when you told your daughter that you thought her mother might be involved with the coach. What on earth were you thinking? This tells me you have no boundaries, and I will warn you that judges look upon dragging your children into marriage problems very dimly. Leave your poor kids out of your problems. YOU are the one doing this to your kids.
> 
> Your wife has mentioned divorce twice. Give her one.


My postion


re16 said:


> @Captaintender
> 
> In life, you reward behavior you want repeated. I don't think you want her repeating this, so you need to enforce severe consequences, not reward this behavior.
> 
> Any advice telling you to be extra nice, date her, etc... is a sure path to failure. You will look weak.
> 
> She was asking him what color stockings he wants her to wear? Seriously, this is way bigger than you think. If they are at that point, this likely already went to PA to some extent. Tip of an iceberg.
> 
> You need to call her bluff ASAP, go to a lawyer and inform her that you filing (you could always stop this action in the next year if you want).
> 
> Go to the school HR and tell her what the coach was texting her about and that he admitted to it.
> 
> Kick her out of the bedroom, request that she leave the house.
> 
> She'll change her tune after you do this stuff and she realizes what she is losing ( or she won't and you'll know what you are dealing with).
> 
> When she comes around and starts apologizing for all this, tell her you want a detailed timeline, and she will be taking a polygraph to verify its contents.
> 
> This is the only route to saving your marriage, if that is what you want to do.
> 
> Remember, you can't forgive what you don't know, and you don't how far this went yet, or if he is the first time this has happened with her.


My position on being nice is just routine marriage.
Feed her soul and need for affection within the marriage. 

Not trying to win her back.
I agree with those who think going Genghis Khan on her for having an affair.


----------



## Sfort

re16 said:


> When she comes around and starts apologizing for all this, tell her you want a detailed timeline, and she will be taking a polygraph to verify its contents.


I really like the way you put the list and the polygraph in the same sentence. This approach is the best one I've seen. Let her know about the polygraph BEFORE she does the list. It will save a lot of time and feelings.


----------



## re16

Sfort said:


> I really like the way you put the list and the polygraph in the same sentence. This approach is the best one I've seen. Let her know about the polygraph BEFORE she does the list. It will save a lot of time and feelings.


Yes we've seen so many initial timelines come out as pure bs and more gaslighting, informing of the poly to verify upfront is a good way to let them know the timeline needs to be real.

I feel bad for this guy, he is in the shock stage and hasn't yet found the anger needed to respond to this... she is throwing away twenty years of marriage and ruining their retirements over this!


----------



## nextbigadv

Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!





Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!





Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!


She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that. 

So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0. 

I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did. 

My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time. 
So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved. 

Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife. 

So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.

We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday. 

I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed. 

Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs. 

So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something. 

So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on. 

The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross. 

I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches. 

So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before? 

She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar? 

Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me? 

She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth. 

I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen. 

I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice. 

So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location. 

So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs. 

I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be? 

She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk. 

She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here. 

So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to. 

Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too. 

So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants. 

He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom. 

About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home. 

So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff. 

Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that. 

I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.

. Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
Need advise please!!
[/QUOTE]


Captaintender said:


> I will definitely give it a shot. I am down to do whatever I have to turn this around because I don’t want to do the alternative of getting divorced. I think she is using the whole divorce term as the easy way out instead of admitting that she messed up and owning her actions. I’m willing to try and make it all work out but I don’t know if I can get her to engage.


In your line of business I’m sure you know some LEO’s who would like to pick up some off shift money. Turn them loose for some recon while your at work.


----------



## re16

jonty30 said:


> My postion
> 
> My position on being nice is just routine marriage.
> Feed her soul and need for affection within the marriage.
> 
> Not trying to win her back.
> I agree with those who think going Genghis Khan on her for having an affair.


It is a common initial reaction, but this is by no means a 'routine marriage' situation. She is long gone emotionally, and needs to have her world rocked back into reality.

The gravity of what she's done is massive.... less severe things have ended many a marriage.


----------



## re16

Just an idea, since you have a direct line open with the coach already, meet him and tell him that he tells you everything or you will go to HR, you might get more out of him... (then go to HR anyway)


----------



## Gabriel

syhoybenden said:


> Cut her loose.
> 
> Then
> 
> 29 year old boy sees a 40 year old momma with 4 brats in tow eyeing him like a hungry dog looking in a butcher store window
> 
> well
> 
> he’s not about to let the door hit him on the rear end as he exits the situation.


Exactly. This is a simple matter of a woman getting attention and a guy that wants to bang her.

I disagree they've had sex yet. I think this "Saturday" is the plan to do the deed. The anticipation is building nicely. Flirting and grab assing doesn't get a horny guy very far. They have to be careful because of the work situation and the kids. This is the getaway to be alone and finally do what they've been wanting to do.


----------



## Evinrude58

Doesn’t matter if they had sex. They will. OP caught her ordering Victoria’s Secret stuff in the color HE likes. OP can divorce her or live in fear and Lee his dignity the rest of his life—- if, she actually stayed married to him.

He either takes her security blanket (himself and all he provides to her) out from under her NOW and shakes the ground beneath her feet with immediate divorce papers, and pretends he hates her, or he will be divorced.


----------



## jsmart

After rereading what OPs shared of his wife’s text exchange with POS’ plans for a Saturday night date, her telling him about the Victoria secrets leggings she’s ordering just for him and how he described his wife’s reactions when he confronted them, I think this is MUCH further along than OP thinks. Her response to OM about not having many free Saturday nights but that she soon will, tells me that she may have already spoken to a lawyer about divorce.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Brother, this situation sucks. The arrogance coming off your wife and this coach is ridiculous. I’m surprised the coach didn’t back off once he knew that you were on to him and had the balls to confront. These two are definitely stuck in their limerance.

I get it. You don’t want to lose your marriage. Everyone told you about the pick me dance. Whether you want to be here or not, you are at the stage where the only way you can save your marriage is by letting it go.

this requires action on your part.

first, a simple couple of sentences will suffice:

“wife. You are having an affair with the coach. I don’t control you. You are free to do whatever you want to do - but you won’t do it as my wife. Divorce granted.”

that’s what she wants, right? You give it to her. She can’t complain about it because she is desperately wanting it.

secondly, you do the 180. Stop doing all the little things you do for her. Let her see what life is really like without you in it. You are a firefighter so I’m going to assume you are fit. You are in your prime still at 41. Assuming all children are taken care of at home, start dressing up. Start going out. If your wife asks where you are going, the answer you give her is “out”. If she asks when you’ll be home, you say, “later”.

in addition, if infidelity has an effect on marriages in your state, you gather evidence on her so that you can use it in court.

if your wife truly doesn’t want to lose you, these actions will drive her insane. No way in hell is she going to want to see you going out looking nice. No way is she going to want to see you enjoying life without her. In my personal opinion, I think this is your wife. A cake eater. I think that she thinks she wants a divorce because she is swept up right now with her feelings for this coach. Oh, and file for divorce and have her served at work. That will make this all too real for her. Remember, she said she wanted this. Divorce can be stopped at any time, having her served though shows her you aren’t here to screw around. I think she is calling your bluff. Don’t bluff. 

now, if your wife is truly upset and truly wants a divorce, then there is no reason to extend your pain and suffering. Get this over with and go live your best life.


----------



## Marc878

Don’t forget. *Go online and look at your phone bill*. It will probably shock you but it’ll probably show you when it started and how deep this is.


----------



## GoldenR

So the advice that OP is going with is to play the pick me dance? 

Jfc....


----------



## jjj858

jsmart said:


> I suspect that the way POS boldly talked about how attractive he found his wife when he was confronted that he is also looking to humiliate OP. It will add to their excitement. Personally, I don’t know how that confrontation didn’t go to blows. When you’re telling some dude to back off and he responds with how attractive she looks, there’s nothing left to say.


Agree. If I was standing in the pisser and some guy started talking about my wife like that I would have smacked the crap out of him.


----------



## jjj858

DownByTheRiver said:


> OK , I had sympathy up to when you told your daughter that you thought her mother might be involved with the coach. What on earth were you thinking? This tells me you have no boundaries, and I will warn you that judges look upon dragging your children into marriage problems very dimly. Leave your poor kids out of your problems. YOU are the one doing this to your kids.
> 
> Your wife has mentioned divorce twice. Give her one.


sorry but if my wife was cheating there’s no way my kid isn’t going to know what his mother is doing and you’re damn right I’d use that to leverage him wanting to live with me over her.


----------



## Gabriel

Going back and reading the first post again....there is something really off about the confrontation with the coach. 

It makes absolutely no sense for the coach to try to defend his actions by saying, "Your wife is very beautiful". Nobody does that.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Gabriel said:


> Going back and reading the first post again....there is something really off about the confrontation with the coach.
> 
> It makes absolutely no sense for the coach to try to defend his actions by saying, "Your wife is very beautiful". Nobody does that.


Coach would have had sarge bust his ass


----------



## DownByTheRiver

jjj858 said:


> sorry but if my wife was cheating there’s no way my kid isn’t going to know what his mother is doing and you’re damn right I’d use that to leverage him wanting to live with me over her.


Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


----------



## Jeffsmith35

Another example of a soon-to-be WW who begins thinking of and treating her husband as an adversary in preparation for fulfilling her lustful, selfish desires. Call her bluff and prepare a petition for divorce, sign it and give it to her.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

I think you did a good job confronting both @Captaintender but not a good job IMO after that.
I would like at the steps @Gabriel listed on page 3 and also what @re16 said on page 5. I believe and let you wife know you are serious and if she continues on this way her life is going to be upended from its secure way (financially and the relationship as well) and mean it. Tell her she never mentioned anything about being unhappy until you caught her in her emotional affair and she is just trying to gaslight you. She is mad she got caught and was probably wanting to fool around with him and have you and security at home. Let her know that is not going to happen that is is the one messing around with someone barely 10 years older than your daughter. Put your foot down that is the only chance if it doesn’t work she is the one that blew it not you and you will be better off and feel better about yourself instead of begging her to stay with you. Best of luck!


----------



## jjj858

Gabriel said:


> Going back and reading the first post again....there is something really off about the confrontation with the coach.
> 
> It makes absolutely no sense for the coach to try to defend his actions by saying, "Your wife is very beautiful". Nobody does that.


There's some weird subconscious thing at play with men who go after married women. There are countless single women out there. Why not go after any of them? It smacks of an insecure male who thinks that stealing a partner somehow makes him more desirable. It's some weird sort of validation they are after trying to subjugate another man, some kind of d**k measuring contest. Him saying "your wife is very beautiful" to OP's face was the ultimate disrespect and this was OP's queue to take this guy down a big notch.


----------



## RebuildingMe

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


His daughter is 19 and goes to the school. Are you out of your mind? No judge in the world is going to care what OP tells his adult daughter.


----------



## Captain Obvious

File for divorce and let everyone, friends, family, coworkers know why you are doing it. When her image is destroyed and she sees that coach Loverboy doesn't want to be a dad to your children, reality will smack in her in the face like a 2x4.


----------



## Marc878

Upfront most are in shock and will live in denial. What you don’t get yet is your wife is committed to her new man. Not you. Some will tell you this won’t last and she’ll come crawling back. A lot never do. But if she did what would you be getting back? Plus if they do it once will they do it again? Repeated infidelity happens.

You are only a chump if you allow it.
Hopefully you’ll wake up to reality. If not you have a rougher road ahead of you than it needs to be.


----------



## RebuildingMe

What a sad story, but far too common. OP you need to step up your game. You’re far too passive. The “hopes” of keeping your dead marriage alive clouds your judgment. Divorce should be your number one option given your wife’s actions since discovery.


----------



## Marc878

RebuildingMe said:


> His daughter is 19 and goes to the school. Are you out of your mind? No judge in the world is going to care what OP tells his adult daughter.


Plus kids aren’t stupid. They always see and know more than you think.


----------



## jsmart

@Captaintender how are you doing today? I know it can be overwhelming to hear confirmation that most think this is worse than you think. I’m sure a part of you was hoping to hear that you’re blowing it out of proportion. TAM can be intense but it is a goldmine if you take advantage of the collective wisdom and experience on hand. Most of the posters on this thread have been in your shoes in one form or another. We know the fear and deep hurt that you’re feeling. I really hope you come back and learn to fight to take control of your destiny.

After being here for years reading thread after thread, you can see what works and what doesn’t. Consistently we see that fearful husbands, who try to nice their wives and beg for them to stop talking to OM, end up with wives who take their affairs deeper and up their disrespect for their husbands. Unfortunately, we see many husbands follow this path despite the advice given. We also have a few BHs that boldly go into a shock and awe campaign of filing for D, exposing to all, and then going gray rock 180. Those husbands usually have WWs that are tripping over themselves to save the marriage.

We don’t really know how far along this affair is but I’m sure most here think this is already at the bare minimum low level physical. If there’s a slight chance that they haven’t consummated their affair, your wife is on the fast path to give herself to him. The reason , I feel he had your wife already is because he felt so comfortable telling you how attractive she was. It was almost like he was standing up for her. Then when your wife immediately had you take her home, when you confronted both of them, instead of explaining herself, she goes at you. 

She wanted to leave to straighten you out and protect her OM. She knew you were probably minutes away from going to blows and she doesn’t want her relationship with OM to come out in this fashion. With their jobs and her reputation on the line, not to mention what your daughters will think. This is not insurmountable. We have had much worse but you won’t stop this affair by what you have done so far.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Gabriel said:


> Going back and reading the first post again....there is something really off about the confrontation with the coach.
> 
> It makes absolutely no sense for the coach to try to defend his actions by saying, "Your wife is very beautiful". Nobody does that.


I found this to be quite odd as well. I said it was arrogance, but now I’m wondering if she has already told this guy that they are in the process of a divorce so it’s all good for them to date now.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Marc878 said:


> Plus kids aren’t stupid. They always see and know more than you think.


I was 8 and my brother was 12 when my parents split bc of infidelity, and we knew exactly why it was happening without any help.


----------



## Livvie

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


How many divorce proceedings have you been part of, as either a party or as part of your work?

The circumstances of that one little exchange aren't going to "make a judge penalize him".


----------



## Kamstel2

-Read and implement 180

-See a lawyer immediately, file, and have her served (at work!!!!). This will remove the affair fog as she will quickly realize that she will soon be a single mother of 4. Do you really think Coach Stud will stick around once he realizes he will be getting an instant large family with and wide range of ages???? Plus, the kids will know that he is the reason their parents got divorced so you can count on the kids giving him a not so friendly welcome whenever he is around.

-have a real estate agent come over and give an estimate of how much you can get in this hot real estate market, and make sure she knows why the agent is at the house. This will also give her a wake up call as she will realize that her house will be sold and she will need to find a new home for her and the kids. Reality is going to hit her hard!!!!

- NEVER do the pick me dance!! It is a guarantee way for the other guy will win. Have some self respect. Do what you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror. 

- NEVER do the pick me dance!! It is a guarantee way for the other guy will win. Have some self respect. Do what you must to be able to look yourself in the mirror. 

-Let everyone know the truth as to why you have filed, especially her family, and the kids, but tell them in an age appropriate manner.

- and reread the following:


OP, Women respond negatively to the pick-me-dance. She has set up competition between yourself and another man and set herself up as the prize. The only way to win is to refuse to play because in this game, the new, shiny, exciting and forbidden will always win over the old and reliable.

She wants a divorce, go to a lawyer and get the papers drawn up, use a shark and let her see the reality of her life without you. She's in an emotional affair already and since they have so much time together away from you, I can all but guarantee it's already gone physical.

Now is not the time to play her game. I know you love her, but she's already gone. It's counter-intuitive, but letting her go is perhaps the only way to get her back, if you indeed want her back in the end.

If I were you, I'd assume a full blown physical affair at this stage and I'd start the steps to remove her from your life. Make yourself the prize and if she wants to be with you, let her earn the privilege, but never, never do the pick-me-dance and compete with another man for your wife. Not only is that a sure fire way to definitely loose her, but she will loose all remaining respect for you, making even co-parenting effectively difficult.

I'm afraid you have only one play left to keep both your dignity and your wife (again, if you still want her) and that is to let her go on your terms, not hers.

See that lawyer, file for divorce and have her served. You'd be surprised how quickly the reality of loosing her family knock sense into most women.

Read up and apply a method called the 180. This is for you to detach from your wife and see the reality of what is happening from 50,000 ft up and not bogged in the emotional mire. You might even find that you would not want her anymore.

As I said, the chances of this already being a physical affair is not insignificant, I would wager that it is. For that reason, have yourself tested for STDs and stay away from her sexually until such time as she is recommitted to you and either proven that it was never a physical affair or have been tested for STDs herself. Some of that detritus can kill you and you don't know where the OM has been.

If possible, stake your claim on your domicile through legal means, after that, there are ways to move out without loosing the claim or have her move out. You can not mate-guard her at this time, she has already chosen to do whatever she did or wants to do. Nothing you do will change this short of chaining her up in her room. You being in the house with her is not going to stop a physical affair if that is what she has chosen. You may as well not be there to witness her coming home from dates. This will also give you the space you need to detach and see this from the 50,000 ft view and not struggling in the mire.

Expose this affair (emotional at least) to whomsoever you feels need to know. Her parents and family included. Affairs thrive in the dark and the light of truth kills them as sure as it kills toe-rot. Do not keep their secret for them, it only helps the affair grow and thrive.

The other man telling you directly that your wife is beautiful and he pursued her is concerning. He has no respect for and fear towards you. Your wife sees this as very strong behavior on his part. You need to take him down a notch. His family and work needs to know about him pursuing a married woman. Their place of employment may be a cesspool, but if threatened legally by a lawyer, most probably will not tolerate the affair behavior any longer.

In order to save you marriage, you must be willing to loose your wife. She already said she wants a divorce, there really is nothing left to loose by making her wish a reality, but you might just gain her respect and love back in the process of taking strong steps to rid yourself of her and a lot of husbands in your shoes realizes that once their wives turn away from the other man and back to them, these betrayed husbands really don't want the soiled goods back.

Exercise, get rid of the toxins your emotions are releasing in your body. Punch a bag, run. The physical exertion helps clear your head.

Good luck to you @Captaintender , this is not an easy road you are on, but you have been forced to navigate it. Do so by planning your steps carefully to bring you to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror with pride, be that with or without your wife.

It's a painful road, but we are here for you. Take the advice you need from here, because the advice comes from all walks of life and many varying experiences. I along with other posters only wish to help, because we have lived though this pain and some of us didn't have the help or advice you are receiving here, but wished that we did.

Now is the time to be strong, I suggest that you fake that strength (at least in front of your wife) until you really feel it.


----------



## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


But the D he spoke to was an ADULT (19 IIRC), she wasn't a little kid. I don't see the issue here. The W NEEDS to be exposed with what she is doing.


----------



## VladDracul

jjj858 said:


> Him saying "your wife is very beautiful" to OP's face was the ultimate disrespect and this was OP's queue to take this guy down a big notch.


As good as it would feel to bust the guy's head, it really a bad move legally, notwithstanding he may be a MMA fighter. Even if you do kick his ass, you'd likely wind up in jail. Provoke him to make the first move if you just have to go to blows over a woman who is willing to put out to another man.


----------



## re16

LATERILUS79 said:


> I found this to be quite odd as well. I said it was arrogance, but now I’m wondering if she has already told this guy that they are in the process of a divorce so it’s all good for them to date now.


I agree... maybe she told the coach she has an open marriage.... his response was a little strange. Essentialy he said "sorry, but you wife is attractive so I tried to bed her"


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I would out them to the school. There is obviously. Something going on.


----------



## HappilyMarried1

Also, @Captaintender after reading you post again and thinking about it a little more and how their texts had got progressively more intense I am thinking that when she told you that she was meeting him for drinks to discuss their programs I think more than talk probably happened. I know you said you could see her location but that doesn't mean they weren't in one of their cars doing more than talking.


----------



## GoldenR

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


My kids were 14 & 11 when I caught their mom. I told them bc i didn't let mom come home. Figured they should know why. 

I got custody.


----------



## Kamstel2

Don’t be afraid to lean on your family and friends while you are in this Hell that she has put you in.

your family, friends, and guys at the station WANT to help you, they just may be afraid of looking like they are sticking their nose in someplace you don’t want it.

there is NO SHAME on your part for what SHE DID!!! No matter what issue(s) may have been going on in the marriage, 100% of the blame and responsibility for the affair falls on her!!! You were in the same marriage, and you didn’t cheat! Accept zero blame.


----------



## Evinrude58

A woman doesn’t buy Victoria’s Secret lingerie and such to get a man in the bed. She buys it to keep him there.

They’ve been having sex.

I’ll be damned if a man told me my wife was attractive to my face knowing he’s trying to get her in bed—- again. He needs a beat down.

That would also have served to make things more difficult at his job because no principal wants that kind of thing going on at his school.
I also don’t think a grand jury or judge would have much to say about it. I might be wrong.

The coach is trash, so is OP’s wife. Sorry OP,
You really should let her go. As Marc878 said, a lot of times these waywards head on out the door with their AP. I don’t think this one has a chance in hell if that since she has 4 kids and is 10 years older than the AP. But if so, good riddance. 

And I agree her text about having more Saturday’s open soon definitely means YOU are out the door if she can arrange it. Keep a VAR on hand at all times. This type of woman will goad your to violence and frame you up for domestic violence abd have you kicked out if your own home if she can.
Beat be prepared. She is not your friend. She’s your worst enemy. You’ll see.


----------



## Gabriel

Wondering if OP has left the building. He's been lurking on here and not responding to anything, just watching the drama of our opinions unfold.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

GoldenR said:


> My kids were 14 & 11 when I caught their mom. I told them bc i didn't let mom come home. Figured they should know why.
> 
> I got custody.


"You mom and I are having some marriage problems. It has nothing to do with you and isn't because of any of you, and you shouldn't worry because it's adult stuff that we'll take care of."

No, they shouldn't know why. They're children. It's just confusing to them and it's you putting pressure on them to side with you. It's wrong.


----------



## Evinrude58

Probably in shock. Doesn’t like the advice given because it’s the hardest to accept at this point. Or a 1/2 ounce little George.


----------



## Evinrude58

DownByTheRiver said:


> "You mom and I are having some marriage problems. It has nothing to do with you and isn't because of any of you, and you shouldn't worry because it's adult stuff that we'll take care of."
> 
> No, they shouldn't know why. They're children. It's just confusing to them and it's you putting pressure on them to side with you. It's wrong.


No, it’s called truth. 11 and 14 is old enough to get a gentle version of the truth.
Confusing is not knowing why. Seeing one spouse with someone other than their parent and being told they’re “friends”.


----------



## Diana7

re16 said:


> Yes we've seen so many initial timelines come out as pure bs and more gaslighting, informing of the poly to verify upfront is a good way to let them know the timeline needs to be real.
> 
> I feel bad for this guy, he is in the shock stage and hasn't yet found the anger needed to respond to this... she is throwing away twenty years of marriage and ruining their retirements over this!


 Far more importantly she is messing her children's lives up.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Has nothing to do with the benefit of the kids. It's all about revenge and trying to get the kids to take sides. It's selfish. Kids don't need to have to think about that stuff before they're fully grown.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

DownByTheRiver said:


> "You mom and I are having some marriage problems. It has nothing to do with you and isn't because of any of you, and you shouldn't worry because it's adult stuff that we'll take care of."
> 
> No, they shouldn't know why. They're children. It's just confusing to them and it's you putting pressure on them to side with you. It's wrong.


Our job as parents is not to shield the children from reality, it is to educate them as to how to handle it. Sure we need to cushion the full impact of it and make the lessons age appropriate, but we need to keep the lessons true, relevant and impactful. This includes matters of infidelity in an age appropriate way.

It is because of the attitude that children should be shielded from everything that we now have a bunch of children in adult bodies running around, unable to cope with life.

OP did nothing wrong as far as his children are concerned. His 19 year old daughter is already adult enough as far as her involvement is concerned and if OP handles this correctly, his children would have received an object lesson in how to cope with infidelity.

Keep your children in a state of infancy to their own peril and to the peril of the future of society as a whole. Help them face the ugly truths and you would have them become stronger adults who do not run to a "safe-space" at the hint of adversity (real or imagined).


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## Dictum Veritas

DownByTheRiver said:


> Has nothing to do with the benefit of the kids. It's all about revenge and trying to get the kids to take sides. It's selfish. Kids don't need to have to think about that stuff before they're fully grown.


Kids need to learn to place blame where it is due. Judgement is the cornerstone of discernment. They are already old enough for that object lesson as well.


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## RebuildingMe

DownByTheRiver said:


> Has nothing to do with the benefit of the kids. It's all about revenge and trying to get the kids to take sides. It's selfish. Kids don't need to have to think about that stuff before they're fully grown.


How many kids do you have? Are you talking from experience? My kids are both 10 and they damn well know what’s going on. They are smart and they are amazingly in tune with “adult” matters, because it affects them also.


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## Gabriel

I think in this case, the oldest daughter should definitely know because he said she worked with her mom on the cheer staff. This will affect her, and she deserves to know why. 

He told her in a weird way though - speculating. You never do that. You explain things once it's clear what has happened and what the ramifications will be.

These two idiots (assuming this is a real story) are on the verge of ruining a family of 6, a cheer team, and at least two people's careers.


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## Tested_by_stress

I must confess, I would have dropped the coach where he stood during the confrontation. We probably wouldn't have made it out of the bathroom either.The OP demonstrate much more restraint than many others would have.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Tested_by_stress said:


> I must confess, I would have dropped the coach where he stood during the confrontation. We probably wouldn't have made it out of the bathroom either.The OP demonstrate much more restraint than many others would have.


Coach would be looking for new teeth if he had encroached on Mrs. FWW


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## oldshirt

For the first several chapters of the Captain’s novel I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the WW and wondered if he was one of those guys that logs his wife’s odometer when she goes to the store and starts trying to backtrack her route if she’s gone 5 minutes longer than he thinks she should be. 

My opinion changed on a dime when he reported two things - 

-one was when she immediately threatened divorce and started calling him mean and “controlling” when he asked her about it. 

- and the other more alarming thing that no one else has seemed to mention much was the defiant and even somewhat confrontational tone of the OM.

I find both alarming but find the OM’s demeanor particularly damming. 

95% of OM will scurry like roaches in the light when confronted. 

When an OM is willing to stand and fight, it’s a game-over moment. 

I agree with the other posters, this is a well established, developed affair. This isn’t some office flirts and getting carried away with enjoying some attention. 

This was not nipped in the bud. 

This is a full blown, entrenched affair. 

The WW was jumping immediate to divorce and making accusations of his mean and abusive behavior at the first question of what was going on. Had she ever mentioned him being controlling before?????? 

For her to jump to threats of divorce means she at least “thinks” she and the OM are going to ride off into the sunset together. 

And the fact that the OM didn’t backpedal and make excuses and scurry away into the bushes means he intends to continue laying the lumber to her.

And if the OM is determined to keep the excitement and drama and monkey sex going, the WW is going to comply. 

Now does this mean I think they really are going to ride off into the sunset together? 

No probably not. Like almost all OM, he is likely just in it for the poon and once she wants him to be stepdaddy and change her oil and flat tires, he’s going to bounce and get with a younger chick. 

But in the mean time, she WILL burn down the house and will burn the bridges behind her. 

As the others have said, the only way to break this is to nuke it from orbit. Scorched earth. 

Only when she’s standing alone in a field of ashes will she realize what she has done. 

And by the time she gets that point, she will have caused so much chaos and destruction for everyone, he probably won’t even want her anymore even if she does come crawling back.


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## HappilyMarried1

Gabriel said:


> Wondering if OP has left the building. He's been lurking on here and not responding to anything, just watching the drama of our opinions unfold.


I hope not I think he has received some good advice as always. It maybe because he said in his OP that he is fireman and sometimes worls 24 or 48 hour shifts at the firehouse he may just be working now. I guess we will see.


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## Dictum Veritas

Tested_by_stress said:


> I must confess, I would have dropped the coach where he stood during the confrontation. We probably wouldn't have made it out of the bathroom either.The OP demonstrate much more restraint than many others would have.


I would have hoped to be far more dangerous, costing him his future and career. My ex wife in the late 90s got "entangled" with a assistant public prosecutor who used his police buddies to intimidate and harass me. I went to speak to the "belly of the beast" some very unsavory characters who were all very happy to give me dribbles of dirt on the guy, enough to get the full picture. I did some work myself and found him to be provably corrupt. I gathered stories highlighting this corruption and handed a well researched story to a friend of mine on the local newspaper.

The AP lost his position and was disbarred a year later as the newspaper uncovered more of the corruption he was involved in.

I think that was better than a punch to the jaw, but honestly I never found myself alone with him like OP did. If I had, I might have just lost it and put him on the floor myself, consequences be damned. Oh well, I might have been the one on the floor too, but the point is that the urge to annihilate the man was only slightly less pronounced that the one to annihilate my then wife.

I could honestly not imagine it would have ended in anything but a physical altercation if he had said to me the things this coach told the AP, but then again I already had proof and confirmation (nothing that would legally stand up, but enough to be sure for myself) that they were sleeping together very soon after it happened. I would have been addressing a POS who thought me a cuckold and I would most likely not have had the capacity of constraint needed not to attempt to alter the shape of his smile on a permanent basis.


----------



## oldshirt

Tested_by_stress said:


> I must confess, I would have dropped the coach where he stood during the confrontation. We probably wouldn't have made it out of the bathroom either.The OP demonstrate much more restraint than many others would have.





No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Coach would be looking for new teeth if he had encroached on Mrs. FWW


Part of me thinks at least giving the OM a shove up against the wall and letting him smell your bad breath as you let him know she may not be as easy and inexpensive poon as he originally thought is an ok thing. 

Most OM are in it because WWs are actually easier and cheaper as NSA hook ups than single women, so if you show them that there will be cost and effort involved, they make themselves scarce pretty quick.

The problem is in society and in the legal system today, the husband is often painted as the bad guy and the loose cannon and as the danger to the little womens. 

In the good ol’ days, an OM wouldve taken his licks and slinked away not wanting to cause anymore publicity or shame, and most judges and juries would have sided with the BH. 

But today that’s almost completely reversed and BH’s are easily portrayed as stalkers and abusers and as captors of these poor defenseless little womens. 

People will run to the aid of the WW and the OM if it is painted as the WW was trying to flee the mean and abusive and “insanely jealous, stalker husband who went after the knight in shining armor who was trying to free her from her captor. 

The power of the legal pen is more powerful than the fist and the legal system has much deeper pockets.


----------



## re16

Captaintender said:


> *Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space* or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs....
> 
> ... *Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months*. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard.
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches.* I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go.* We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.


Why would she need space from him if there wasn't something serious going on?
No sex for two months, that is when something serious started between them. 
Two weeks went by after she asks what color lingerie to get for him? And they are working together daily? This is very bad.... and then comes the confrontation where OM seems to stand up to OP....he had a taste of the goods by that point.

I agree with @oldshirt , this affair is in full swing.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Gabriel said:


> Going back and reading the first post again....there is something really off about the confrontation with the coach.
> 
> It makes absolutely no sense for the coach to try to defend his actions by saying, "Your wife is very beautiful". Nobody does that.


Oh yes they do. Some people are just plain ****ed up.


----------



## Marc878

[


Evinrude58 said:


> No, it’s called truth. 11 and 14 is old enough to get a gentle version of the truth.
> Confusing is not knowing why. Seeing one spouse with someone other than their parent and being told they’re “friends”.


Lying or withholding the truth IMO never works out well. I’ve seen too many times when the kids get introduced and blindsided to the affair partner shortly after. Kids aren’t stupid and keeping them in the dark just causes them more anxiety. Dealing with a known is better than dealing with the unknown.


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## re16

HappilyMarried1 said:


> I hope not I think he has received some good advice as always. It maybe because he said in his OP that he is fireman and sometimes worls 24 or 48 hour shifts at the firehouse he may just be working now. I guess we will see.


I bet OP is having a hard time coming to grips with what we all see so clearly. He was likely not versed in the cheater script that we've all seen over and over and she is following it exactly. I think he'll be back but needs to think this all through.

He should search her car etc... spare panties in the glove box or her purse...she might be moving to a burner phone or app based on the partial confrontation.

Might want to check on her time off usage also, hopefully she and OM are not taking time off during the day to go back to his place...


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Hey, I was just like OP six years ago. I can empathize totally. I think he may be on his 24 hour shift. Let’s be frank, offer solutions, this **** is hard. It is easy to armchair quarterback this stuff. When you are the man in the arena, it is hard. The pain of infidelity when you once discover is like nothing else you have ever experienced. It knocks even the toughest man for a loop. But, you can retreat, or you can dig down deep and fight the battle to extricate yourself from the pain.

OP, you are stronger than you realize. You need to dig down deep within yourself, tell yourself this is UNNACCEPTABLE,
and you will no longer live this way. Be tough. Be firm. Be resolute, and let her know the Captain is in control and her fantasy world will be blown to **** soon!

EXPOSE to family and to employer. Being called in front of the school board to be disciplined would rock their world.


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## oldshirt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Being called in front of the school board to be disciplined would rock their world.


30 years ago, this would’ve been a thing. 

Today, it’s hard to say. 

As this is a charter school, I don’t know what their specific policies would be. 

Some school districts may still have fraternization between staff policies in place and some private, faith-based schools may still have some “morals clause” policies in place. 

I have the feeling many public schools no longer have any real teeth in being able to govern what employees do in their personal lives. 

If theyre making out in front of students or sending each other pictures of their naughty bits on school computers, that’s one thing. But if this is all taking place on their own time, there’s not much most employers are going to be able to do about it. 

In some school districts the teacher’s unions have even gotten policies put place where the district CANT punish or terminate them for off duty relationships.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

oldshirt said:


> 30 years ago, this would’ve been a thing.
> 
> Today, it’s hard to say.
> 
> As this is a charter school, I don’t know what their specific policies would be.
> 
> Some school districts may still have fraternization between staff policies in place and some private, faith-based schools may still have some “morals clause” policies in place.
> 
> I have the feeling many public schools no longer have any real teeth in being able to govern what employees do in their personal lives.
> 
> If theyre making out in front of students or sending each other pictures of their naughty bits on school computers, that’s one thing. But if this is all taking place on their own time, there’s not much most employers are going to be able to do about it.
> 
> In some school districts the teacher’s unions have even gotten policies put place where the district CANT punish or terminate them for off duty relationships.


Charter schools in my area are no bull ****.


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## oldshirt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Charter schools in my area are no bull ****.


Maybe. Maybe not. 

Each school is going to have their own policies and practices. A lot would come down to the specifics of that school’s policies and the specifics of their relationship.

My point is don’t make assumptions on other people’s outrage and don’t make assumptions on how much employers will involve themselves in their employees bedrooms.

Even though the BS and the BS’s closest relatives and friends may feel disgusted and outraged, most other people really don’t care.

And employers will take the path of least trouble for them. They will take the path of where they will find themselves in the least amount of legal and public sentiment trouble. 

If they can look the other way and have it all go away, they will.

If they feel that the employees actions will bring them more trouble if they do nothing (such as inappropriate conduct with kids or witnessed by kids etc). Then they will take action. 

If they feel that taking action against consenting adults in their own homes off-duty will result in more bad press or even legal action against the school by said employees, then it’s better to not pursue action. 

The take away is don’t depend on employers being the adultery police of consenting adults.


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## Benbutton

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fair warning, it's what judges will penalize you for the most, because it's irresponsible. Only a self-centered jerk thinks that's okay. Your poor kids don't need to worry about adult problems. You need to think about the kids, not yourself.


Interesting, my xw brought my much younger children into it by trying to say I was the bad guy....guess who didn't give two steaming shyts??


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## marko polo

Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!


Have a discreet chat with the coaches wife, tell her what you have seen and what your concerns are and see if she is willing to look into these messages from her end.

You can also hire a private investigator to get documented proof.

The affair may go underground or cool off for the moment because you, your daughter are paying attention.


----------



## ABHale

DownByTheRiver said:


> OK , I had sympathy up to when you told your daughter that you thought her mother might be involved with the coach. What on earth were you thinking? This tells me you have no boundaries, and I will warn you that judges look upon dragging your children into marriage problems very dimly. Leave your poor kids out of your problems. YOU are the one doing this to your kids.
> 
> His kids have the right to know.
> 
> Your wife has mentioned divorce twice. Give her one.


----------



## jsmart

re16 said:


> Why would she need space from him if there wasn't something serious going on?
> No sex for two months, that is when something serious started between them.
> Two weeks went by after she asks what color lingerie to get for him? And they are working together daily? This is very bad.... and then comes the confrontation where OM seems to stand up to OP....he had a taste of the goods by that point.
> 
> I agree with @oldshirt , this affair is in full swing.


Those are good points. When the WW stopped having sex with her husband, it’s usually when she has already given herself to the OM. What I don’t get is why were they only having sex about once or twice a month. That doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage. Being a firefighter, I imagine that he must be in decent shape. I would think that his wife would really be into her husband. The guys I know that are firefighter/paramedics here in Florida, do VERY well with the ladies.

I’m still disturbed, actually angry for OP, by how the OM reacted when confronted. I know we’re supposed to be more evolved and everyone preaches not getting violent out of fear of jail but there’s no scenario I can think of, where we would not have gone to blows right there in the bathroom with a guy responding like that to me over me telling him to back off.


----------



## re16

jsmart said:


> Those are good points. When the WW stopped having sex with her husband, it’s usually when she has already given herself to the OM. What I don’t get is why were they only having sex about once or twice a month. That doesn’t sound like a healthy marriage. Being a firefighter, I imagine that he must be in decent shape. I would think that his wife would really be into her husband. The guys I know that are firefighter/paramedics here in Florida, do VERY well with the ladies.
> 
> I’m still disturbed, actually angry for OP, by how the OM reacted when confronted. I know we’re supposed to be more evolved and everyone preaches not getting violent out of fear of jail but there’s no scenario I can think of, where we would not have gone to blows right there in the bathroom with a guy responding like that to me over me telling him to back off.


Who knows, OP may have felt physically out-matched and used restraint... he has 4 kids and probably knows that getting hurt in a fight is a bad move.

Some severe words likely needed to be used at a minimum. Going outside to talk after chasing him into the bathroom to confront was strong and bold though... I like that move.... I do feel like it was a little late considering the undergarment discussion though. Storming into the school and asking about that would have been a better move, right after he knew it was clearly not platonic.

He did decently well to follow his gut and sniff out this issue, TAM now has his back so he has a fighting chance.


----------



## skerzoid

Old Football Coach Here:

In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it....and she has to believe it.

How to convince her that you are willing to let her go:


*Lawyer Up.* She wants to talk divorce, you take action. Now. Divorce takes time. She gets her head out of her butt, it can be slowed, but not until.
*You are Co-dependent*. Get counseling. Stop being dependent on her for your happiness.
*Google the 180 for hurt spouses*. Do the 180 till she pukes.
*Tell her to be with him.* Load up her sh1t and dump it on his porch.
*Don't threaten to expose, just do it.* Stop talking and take action.
*Do not talk to the coach.* He is a POS. There are a lot of them around schools. _Your wife is the one who betrayed you, not him_. 
*This is about lust.* She wants to fornicate with him. The oldest story of mankind. Google Joseph and Potiphar's wife (Genisis 39). 4000-year-old story.
*Get yourself checked for STDs.* Let her know you are doing it.
*You wanted an open marriage, well, Let Her Rip! * She is opening it up. What's good for the Goose is Good for the Gander.
*Remember Maximus in the movie "Gladiator"? Strength & Honor! Let that be your motto!*


----------



## oldshirt

jsmart said:


> I’m still disturbed, actually angry for OP, by how the OM reacted when confronted. I know we’re supposed to be more evolved and everyone preaches not getting violent out of fear of jail but there’s no scenario I can think of, where we would not have gone to blows right there in the bathroom with a guy responding like that to me over me telling him to back off.


While I generally believe that confronting an AP directly has merit in many instances as most OM are just in it for the quick and easy NSA poon, so showing that there will be costs and ramifications, most OM will simply consider it too much work and cost and will move on. 

However, in this day and age we need to look at the realities,, it's not just a night in the drunk tank with a drunk and disorderly charge that you clear up with the judge and a check the next day. 

As I stated in my post above, society and the laws today actually work against the BH today. 

While we all may have felt some sense of satisfaction if the OP had kicked the OM's arse. Let me read to you the news story that would have appeared in the local news outlets and 6 o'clock TV news the next day if he had punched out the OM. 

"A popular high school football coach is in the hospital and a local firefighter is behind bars today following a brutal attack in the restroom of a local nightclubs. Witnesses report that following a football last Friday night, a popular football coach was attacked at a local night spot. Sources close to the victim state that coach 'OM' was helping a coworker escape from an abusive relationship when the woman's husband, local firefighter Captaintender followed him into the restroom of a local tavern following friday night's game and attacked him. Numerous assault charges have been filed and authorities are looking into allegations of possible domestic abuse and stalking. Fire department officials have stated that firefighter Captaintender has been placed on administrative leave pending internal investigation and outcome of criminal charges. Coach OM is listed in serious but not life threatening condition. A benefit fund for his medical and legal expenses has been established through the school and a candlelight vigil will be held at the football field this Monday evening for those wishing to show their support."

See how that works.

And the ramifications go beyond making a plea deal down to simple assault. If his wife and the OM's lawyer decide to portray him as abusive or a stalker or "insanely jealous', He will be publicly viewed as the threat and the bad guy. 

A firefighter's job will be under threat if he has criminal convictions and his professional certifications and credentials as a firefighter and EMT can be revoked with criminal assault charges. 

Assuming that charges can be reduced through plea deals to simple misdemeanors, the lawyer fees and court costs can still run into the 10s of thousands. And that is to just stay out of jail and try to preserve professional certification and employment. That's not not included lawyers fees and court costs and child support and asset division in the divorce. 

And socially, he will always be portrayed as the stalker and the domestic abuser and the jealous nutcase. 

We live in times where the BS and especially the BH is often portrayed as the bad guy and the threat. Going after the OM physically often just gives the WW and OM ammunition in any legal proceedings.


----------



## Spoons027

Welp.

Your WW is hardcore deflecting and following cheaters' script to a tee.

You gave away your cards too early. Now they've gone underground and likely alerted others that you're 'crazy/paranoid' if you try to out them.

Not looking good for reconciliation tbh. At this point, it's best to consult a lawyer and protect yourself and your kids as much as you can. Your wife is no longer on your side.


----------



## colingrant

Captaintender said:


> I’m not sure what’s going on with her. I talked with my mom about the looming 40 and she asked me if she’s having a mid life crisis and I said I honestly don’t know. But I think that it might have a little to do with it. I think the other thing that’s played a part in it is that we had our youngest 3yrs ago and that was a complete surprise to both of us that we were going to be basically starting over with a baby when we were on the homeward stretch with our other three. I wouldn’t trade her for the world tho! So that may have something to do with all of this now too. But I don’t know for sure.


You're in her way. Simple as that. She's interested in the new coach and everything you say will grow her resentment. You cannot compete with new romance energy. It's intoxicating and she's intoxicated, intrigued and willing to lose everything for her "feelings". Their is nothing you can do except cause lose her respect by trying harder and seeking counseling. It's the right thing to do if she's interested in you, but right now quite frankly her only interest is exploring the new coach. Plain and simple. 

I'd give her the divorce and in the time it takes for it to be final (typically up to a year depending on state) you will see exactly what you have or don't have. There's an old saying you have to be willing to lose a marriage to save it. The thing with filing is you can always rescind it if she chooses you (if you want her) and if she doesn't choose you after a year then it simply isn't meant to be. I realize you want her but you can't be with someone that doesn't want you. You will not only lose her, and her respect for you but your dignity as well.


----------



## Beach123

Do not resort to a physical altercation. That will cause you some serious trouble.

file for divorce! Your wife has been betraying you and disrespecting you! Stop putting up with it! Why did SHE get to decide suddenly the marriage wasn’t happy? That was to cover for her cheating! You know what else was a cover? The extra sex she gave you - because she’s worried she may be pregnant! That’s the only reason she would.

file. Give her what she’s asked for! Begging her will only make it worse = you’ll look weak and desperate - women never like that.

leave her high and dry. She can figure out how to support herself. Move your money into your name only so she doesn’t spend it all (or at least half of what’s available to you).

Make HER uncomfortable! Tell her you’re angry with her acting like she’s not married! Words - no actions that are violent.

stop putting up with living with someone that has her interest elsewhere. She’s gone! She’s done! Show her immediately what done looks like!
Stop being nice to her - she’s ruined your life purposely - as well as your kids lives!

she wants to live the single life? Show her what that entails. She’s the enemy now!


----------



## manowar

Rob_1 said:


> It's so freaking pathetic when I read about men acting like 13 years old girls whining, wringing their hands, not knowing what to do and how to do it. Men that have lost their self respect, their dignity, and their balls when their cheating, gaslighting immoral cake eating wife tell them that they want a divorce and the reply is: I don't want a divorce, how can you do that to me, I love you. Sickening, man sickening. Like if you loving her has anything to do at all in this situation. You have in front of you a woman that right on your face she's monkey branching, thinking that the grass is greener in the other side and you are acting like a scared little girl trying to hold onto her. Have some respect for yourself dude, because obviously she lost her respect for you.
> 
> A man that has dignity, self respect, is sure of himself in this situation immediately and without hesitation files for divorce. Shows her that he's not a pathetic wimp to be played with and disrespected.
> you don't leave your home, do not sleep together. Do the 180. you get a VAR to protect yourself against a DV charge. Separate commingle funds, open a new account and put half of the money into a new account and follow your lawyer's advice. That's what you do.
> 
> LAWYER UP ALREADY DUDE. because if you don't you are going to be railroaded, and when it happens you will have not one to blame but yourself. Just know this: she's miles ahead of you.


Read this mr firefighter over and over. You are obviously unaware of how to respond to this situation. You need to be brought up to speed quickly because you appear to be doing everything wrong. Stop the nice guy routine... It doesn't work. Get tough. Learn the 180. Put the 180 into motion. 

You have no idea where your wife's head is at. She's gone, brother. The other man will eventually dump her. 41 year old lady and 29 year old guy. There has to be consequences.


----------



## manowar

Captaintender said:


> he starts telling me that *he started the communication with my wife. Not her.*



Looks like we may have a white knight here. He's protecting the lady's image. This guy is a fking clown. He may be in love. Firefighter -- you are dealing with two fking morons. Once you get control of your emotions and learn what to do you should be able to get out in front of this.

*my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. *

This is what you're dealing with. Don't ever forget this. 

Hit her w/ a divorce complaint. This will be the first blow. She'll feel it.


----------



## manowar

Captaintender said:


> I talked with my mom about the looming 40





MarmiteC said:


> Do you date your wife?



this is nonsense. Don't waste your time w/ this. Your objective is to get out in front. Stop the loving husband sh+t. Stop doing the things she expects you to do. Paying her credit cards, insurance, auto registration, car inspection, chores. Whatever it is. She changed the rules of engagement. Go cold No Contact. She no longer has a husband should be your attitude.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

@Captaintender, the primary question is what is your objective other than to get out of infidelity? Do you want to reconcile or do you want to simply proceed down the road to divorce? Having small children complicates the matter. I woke up here in my hotel room in Texas thinking of your situation as it hits close to home.

My situation was vastly different than yours as i had been married 29 years when my FWW decided to do the horizontal mambo with some younger Mr. GQ wannabe. I busted her ass in a public setting at her company’s open house. I used the element of surprise to my advantage. Told her the **** was getting real, I was leaving and have fun with Mr. Richard Cranium as I refer to her former AP. I was out of touch with her for six weeks. Those six weeks were a wake up call for her. Looking back,even though I had the petition for dissolution of marriage drafted, I never had her served. Looking back that would have been the best route to further speed up her decision process whether she was in or out of the marriage. I did leave them on the desk in my study where she had to look at them daily if she used the computer for a year. Once I was pretty certain R would work, I sat outside by our fire pit with her and a glass of wine and burned them.

I may not be good at writing in a sequential chronological fashion, but I strongly feel that my scorched earth approach knocked any “romantic illusions“ out of her mind. Key word Exposure. It was critical it works. Consider it.


----------



## VladDracul

The chick has three elements need for an affair. 
1. Incentive (low interest in husband and new guy she has a strong connection to through work)
2. Rationalization ( labels husband as a mean controlling azz hole who gives little)
3. Opportunity ( Considering the husband is sequestered at the station for 48 hours, there is more than ample opportunity for a little coach on teacher snuggling.

There's a fair chance the old coach is the new coach's wing man. I don't know about the new coach, but if it me back when I was 30-40, I'd been done f'd her.


----------



## Talker67

colingrant said:


> You're in her way. Simple as that. She's interested in the new coach and everything you say will grow her resentment. *You cannot compete with new romance energy*. It's intoxicating and she's intoxicated, intrigued and willing to lose everything for her "feelings".


its actually worse than that. she is in a romantic fog, that is sure.

but the ap is constantly waging a psychological war for her obedience. he is telling her how evil and domineering your are, how unfair that is to her since she is a perfect woman and perfect wife, how she deserves a loving man around (who is not you) to support her, how her sex life is dead and how he will revive it for the hot monkey sex that she deserves. In other words, *he is making up lie after lie about you* and her marriage, trying to gas light her to be in some space where she will readily go to bed with him.

He might be pure evil and just trying to put another notch on his pistol, or he might truly be in love with her. but what is certain, he has no morals, and will pull every trick in the seducer's book to bed her now.

not sure why women fall for this. maybe it is just neanderthal human nature kicking in, but a LOT of women fall for this psychological gas lighting hook, line, and sinker. I am willing to admit that women who are somewhat ignored at home, having mundane sex lives, are easy prety for this, so we guys are somewhat to blame too.

She is hooked already, not sure how to go about unhooking her. somehow you have to show her how manipulative this OM is!

in all of this, she has "forgotten" she has kids. that is one thing that is on her side...deep down she has to know her actions will hurt her children!


----------



## Chillidog

Just to clarify. OP works a rotating shift schedule. He works for 24 hours then has 48 hours off. This is a common shift schedule many firefigters work.


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## colingrant

No longer lonely husband's response is a real life example of acting with conviction and leaving the marriage in order to save it. He didn't just file to elicit a response from her. He filed because his wife had chosen another man and he wasn't going to re-compete for her love and affection as he was already married and that was settled years prior.

You're the only person capable of protecting your home and family. Right now, while it's hard to believe and see your wife in this manner, but she's THE biggest threat to you and your family's emotional and psychological health. The new coach rang the doorbell and she answered the front door with a smile and let him in. He didn't sneak in the backdoor so to speak. In other words, he's not the problem. Your wife is the sole enabler of this home invasion. SHE WANTS THIS. Very, very important for you to understand.

Many betrayed husbands can't or don't accept this FACT until significant self destruction has taken place and they're forced to accept the unacceptable and unimaginable. I get it. I did the same thing. I was cheated on by two fiancé's, back to back. In both instances I was unable or unwilling to see what was actually happening although to an outsider it was clear as day. Understand, infidelity adversely impacts the cognitive ability of the betrayed person to the point where they too are in a foggy state and often suffer from PTSD but don't know it.

This forum is full of betrayed spouses with experience to help you navigate the fog. The difficulty of being led by strangers concerning one of the biggest decisions of your life is not lost among many of us. Don't dismiss the recommendations as insensitive not considering your family's best interest. Perhaps some are, but many aren't. The thing is both will often give you the same advice.

When a woman has sold you and her family out, it's OVER. Furthermore, it's like having a cold or the flu in that doctors will tell you that both have no cure and cannot be stopped, just relieved. Both will absolutely run it's course of wreaking havoc with symptoms that are uncomfortable and often very sickly, but the bottom line is both will run its course. Same thing with your wife's affair. The ONLY action that may stop or disrupt it is divorce filing. It's effective because it give INSTANTANEOUS clarity and advances her need to choose from a deferred time to immediate.

This shifts some control to you, in that the clock is ticking and the train is starting to leave the station. Now, it's not about her and AP. Now it's about her, her AP, husband and family and who she wants to be with. If you are demanding, passive or fake tough, but knows she can come back to you at anytime, you will be disrespected in a way that will astound you.

Humiliation is hard to overcome and you're moving in that direction. I'm sincerely sorrowful that you are in this position. You're experiencing the worst pain known to man. Understand this however, as much as you would like this to happen, your wife does not care that you are experiencing it. 

She's so far in the fog she can't see anything aside from the new coach. This is why he was so bold and disrespectful at the restaurant. He had no fear partly because he knows your wife is choosing him at the moment. Time to act. Release her and start dividing up assets. She may try to appease you so that you stop the train, but it's a ploy. 

Don't fall for it. Lastly, should you divorce, you don't have to demand. Simply say here are my expectations. In order to reconcile these are the conditions you have to meet. If you choose not to. So be it. If YOU CHOOSE to meet them, I MAY reconsider, but it's all contingent upon your attitude and actions. See, it's doing the same thing without making demands, which can come across as desperate. 

Just calmly state your conditions and tell her they're non-negotiable and only her complete willingness to comply with them will redirect the path from divorce to reconciliation. ANY FORM OF WEAKNESS, COMPROMISE OR UNEARNED SYMPATHY AND CREDIT will sabotage your position. Cheaters are inherently aware of weakness and ruthlessly exploits it to there advantage, every single time. Just calling a spade a spade here.


----------



## Underground66

Go to the principle of the school TODAY and expose this. Don't wait. Let the coach feel your wrath.

I honestly think you should get on social media platform for the school (all my kids school's have facebook groups) and announce that the coach is pursuing your wife and if this is the kind of person people want coaching/teaching their children?


----------



## syhoybenden

Wait a minute Captaintender. Didn’t you say that you had a 19 year old daughter? A co-cheerleader coach alongside your wife?

A thought has just struck me.

Have you considered the possibility that coachboy could be on a quest to score the rare and storied mother-daughter two-fer?
With him the creme filling in the middle of a 39-29-19 cookie.
Stranger things have happened.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Underground66 said:


> Go to the principle of the school TODAY and expose this. Don't wait. Let the coach feel your wrath.


Hell yes. School administrators do not like this **** happening on their watch from my experience. When the light shines on the affair, it does not look to pretty to the participants any more.


----------



## jsmart

VladDracul said:


> There's a fair chance the old coach is the new coach's wing man. I don't know about the new coach, but if it me back when I was 30-40, I'd been done f'd her.


There does seem to be a weird work relationship going in with these coaches. It does seem like the old coach was protective over the new coach’s budding relationship. Could the old coach be her former OM? Don’t know how long she’s been working at this school but @Captaintender should verify his 3 year old’s paternity.

We have had a few threads of BHs that their WW had multiple OMs. Hopefully this is not one of those threads.


----------



## Gabriel

syhoybenden said:


> Wait a minute Captaintender. Didn’t you say that you had a 19 year old daughter? A co-cheerleader coach alongside your wife?
> 
> A thought has just struck me.
> 
> Have you considered the possibility that coachboy could be on a quest to score the rare and storied mother-daughter two-fer?
> With him the creme filling in the middle of a 39-29-19 cookie.
> Stranger things have happened.


Well, the daughter said, eww, gross, when OP mentioned the coach and her mom. 

Anyway, this is is unhelpful speculation, really.

I wonder if the OP is done posting.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!


Like many others, I’m sorry she is seeking comfort outside you. It has to be her decision though to work on your marriage. Letting her know you’re open to that is the best thing you can do.

I would strongly caution you not involving your older children like you have though. Not saying lie to them but pinning them in the mix isn’t fair to them or their relationship with their mom.


----------



## Evinrude58

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Like many others, I’m sorry she is seeking comfort outside you. It has to be her decision though to work on your marriage. Letting her know you’re open to that is the best thing you can do.
> 
> I would strongly caution you not involving your older children like you have though. *Not saying lie to them but pinning them in the mix isn’t fair to them or their relationship with their mom.*


huh? What about what she has done is totally unfair to their relationship with their dad?
No, keeping this crappy a secret from the children will only enable the mother to continue what she is doing which is painting the betrayed husband as a monster.

I agree he should harp on this with them, he shouldn’t bring it up with them constantly, he shouldn’t seek solace in them. But tell them the truth about what she has done is absolutely what he should do. This is all due to poor morals and lack of character on their mother’s fault. An affair with a teacher and the football coach.,,, how cliche.

I hope OPis still reading and not cowering in fear of losing his wife and doing all the things that will eventually make his life worse and end all possibility of reconciling with his rotten wife, should he misjudge things and choose to do so.


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## Bulfrog1987

Yet saying “I think your mom has something going on with your coach.” Before getting all his proof doesn’t seem very healthy either. Just my opinion.

Again I never said to keep anything a secret, but don’t enlist them in your investigation was more of what I’m saying rather than keep everything from them.

He has been wronged and sounds like not been given a chance to address her grievances against him and that is unfair to dad and appropriate to share with kids for sure.


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## jjj858

OP should also be going directly to the OM’s wife and exposing this to her. Don’t just rock your wife’s world by serving her with a divorce, rock his world too by potentially ruining his marriage. It won’t be hard to find out who she is if you can find him in Facebook.


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## Trustless Marriage

Wow. She needs counseling ASAP - individually and together with you. Sounds like she wanted to have it both ways - with you and with him. Once she got busted that's when she semi came clean. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If she is not willing to work it out and get help there is nothing you can do with these type of women. They will dig their own grave and lay in it.


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## ConanHub

jjj858 said:


> OP should also be going directly to the OM’s wife and exposing this to her. Don’t just rock your wife’s world by serving her with a divorce, rock his world too by potentially ruining his marriage. It won’t be hard to find out who she is if you can find him in Facebook.


I didn't recall that the AP was married?

If so, that is part of exposure and definitely recommended.


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## jonty30

ConanHub said:


> I didn't recall that the AP was married?
> 
> If so, that is part of exposure and definitely recommended.


I don't think he's married. He didn't bring a wife, although that's what should happen if he is married. 
Definitely school board, however.


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## Gabriel

Not sure going to the school board or principal will really do anything. Teachers are one of the most "cheater" professions - it happens all the time. One of them isn't even married (the coach). If I was the principal I might have a meeting with the two of them and say, "I'm not getting in your business but if this affects your jobs or the kids, I'll make it my problem. Do you understand?" And that's about it. Is there a specific rule stating teachers/coaches can't hook up? I don't think so.


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## ConanHub

Gabriel said:


> Not sure going to the school board or principal will really do anything. Teachers are one of the most "cheater" professions - it happens all the time. One of them isn't even married (the coach). If I was the principal I might have a meeting with the two of them and say, "I'm not getting in your business but if this affects your jobs or the kids, I'll make it my problem. Do you understand?" And that's about it. Is there a specific rule stating teachers/coaches can't hook up? I don't think so.


Exposure would put a damper on it especially if, after being informed about inappropriate behavior by the betrayed husband, it all comes out that they knew and could be viewed as complicit.

It will absolutely affect her cheerleading coaching and his job as well.


----------



## sideways

Underground66 said:


> Go to the principle of the school TODAY and expose this. Don't wait. Let the coach feel your wrath.
> 
> I honestly think you should get on social media platform for the school (all my kids school's have facebook groups) and announce that the coach is pursuing your wife and if this is the kind of person people want coaching/teaching their children?


HORRIBLE IDEA (exposing it on Facebook)!!

He has kids. No need to have them embarrassed for crying out loud. He can expose this in other ways.


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## ConanHub

Hey @Captaintender 

If you are still lurking, you might want to check out some case history.

Here is one.


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## ConanHub

Dismissing teachers over immorality


Persida Acosta Dear PAO, The school where I teach is currently facing a controversy. Two of the teachers serving in our faculty who are both married were...




www.manilatimes.net


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## Dictum Veritas

sideways said:


> HORRIBLE IDEA (exposing it on Facebook)!!
> 
> He has kids. No need to have them embarrassed for crying out loud. He can expose this in other ways.


If there is any embarrassment to the kids it is through their mothers adulterous ways, not through the exposure thereof. I actually take exception to people advising limiting exposure for [insert any reason].

This type of advice only benefits the adulterers.

There is no reason under heaven to be complicit in your spouses adultery by keeping it secret for the sake of the kids. Years later the kids would say that dad was so weak he didn't even try to stop it by telling the school. They will have no respect for their father when they become adults if he doesn't do absolutely everything to blow up this affair.


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## mickybill

Two giant indications of a PA are the asking his favorite color for VS purchase, and her rewriting the last year and being perfectly willing to throw the marriage under the bus right away tells me they are already beyond a EA. Not many folks are going change their family situation over flirting and texts...
My XWW worked at an all girls private school, like many schools the staff was mostly women. The science teacher was a 30 year old halfway decent looking guy. He screwed a surprising amount of teachers and admin. Not my wife though, she hooked up with an outside vendor!
Your wife could lose you and the family to a guy who will probably move on to another teacher/staff member once she wants to be more than a side piece. 
Look into the grey rock aka 180. 

Come back when you can Capt. right now you are facing a firehose of emotions at home and advice form us.


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## sideways

Dictum Veritas said:


> If there is any embarrassment to the kids it is through their mothers adulterous ways, not through the exposure thereof. I actually take exception to people advising limiting exposure for [insert any reason].
> 
> This type of advice only benefits the adulterers.
> 
> There is no reason under heaven to be complicit in your spouses adultery by keeping it secret for the sake of the kids. Years later the kids would say that dad was so weak he didn't even try to stop it by telling the school. They will have no respect for their father when they become adults if he doesn't do absolutely everything to blow up this affair.


Where did you see I said "keep it a secret"??

I did NOT say keep it a secret. In this case he could go to the principle and out them. He could tell his parents and her parents along with their sibs. Heck he could tell his kids as well that doesn't mean he has to broadcast to the kids entire school where all their classmates now know. You know how kids are and why should they carry the shame of their parent and to say their embarrassment is because of their mothers "adulterous ways" is pathetic.

Yes the kids did NOTHING wrong and of course it's their mothers fault but that is STILL their mother and they will still be embarrassed and carry shame as that's usually how kids handle stuff like this. Especially when the kids from their school will make fun of them continually and in this case it will be even worse because his mother messed around with a coach at the school.

Dictum I usually agree with you but in this case I do not. I have no problem exposing affairs and it should definitely be done but I sure in the heck would try to protect my kids as best I could. As I said I would even tell them but that doesn't mean that I go guns a blazing so my kids have to go around town being asked by everyone about their mom.

Shame is shame and it doesn't matter who's fault it is for crying out loud!!


----------



## Dictum Veritas

sideways said:


> Where did you see I said "keep it a secret"??
> 
> I did NOT say keep it a secret. In this case he could go to the principle and out them. He could tell his parents and her parents along with their sibs. Heck he could tell his kids as well that doesn't mean he has to broadcast to the kids entire school where all their classmates now know. You know how kids are and why should they carry the shame of their parent and to say their embarrassment is because of their mothers "adulterous ways" is pathetic.
> 
> Yes the kids did NOTHING wrong and of course it's their mothers fault but that is STILL their mother and they will still be embarrassed and carry shame as that's usually how kids handle stuff like this. Especially when the kids from their school will make fun of them continually and in this case it will be even worse because his mother messed around with a coach at the school.
> 
> Dictum I usually agree with you but in this case I do not. I have no problem exposing affairs and it should definitely be done but I sure in the heck would try to protect my kids as best I could. As I said I would even tell them but that doesn't mean that I go guns a blazing so my kids have to go around town being asked by everyone about their mom.
> 
> Shame is shame and it doesn't matter who's fault it is for crying out loud!!


There was never a suggestion anywhere that the affair should be broadcast to the kids at school, but the administration should definitely know and if the school-kids find out, then it's time for OP's kids to change schools and that would be on the adulterous wife's head.

The chance of the school kids finding out is no reason not to expose at her place of employment, but no-one has suggested reasonable discretion be thrown out of the window.


----------



## sideways

Dictum Veritas said:


> There was never a suggestion anywhere that the affair should be broadcast to the kids at school, but the administration should definitely know and if the school-kids find out, then it's time for OP's kids to change schools and that would be on the adulterous wife's head.
> 
> The chance of the school kids finding out is no reason not to expose at her place of employment, but no-one has suggested reasonable discretion be thrown out of the window.


When you go on Facebook (it was said go on social media to broadcast this) you're basically telling the kids in the school. They'll either see it or many of the parents will see it and They'll tell their kids and then the kids tell other kids in the school. Word travels and fast!

When you do what you're suggesting it's NOT about exposing it Dictum as you're suggesting because you followed that up with "if the kids in the school find out his children's shame and embarrassment will be the fault of their mother"? Seriously???

I'll take it even further, what you're suggesting wouldn't be driven by "exposure" but it would be driven by hate because what you specifically stated that it didn't matter if his kids were embarrassed or felt shame.

Again do NOT TWIST my words Dictum. I agree exposure is the right thing and given the kids ages I have no problem telling them as well but where you and I differ is I would try to expose it the best way I can so that my kids do NOT take the brunt of the fall out.

See your kids come home crying because the kids at school were making fun of them or harassing them or bombarding them with questions and based upon what you stated your answer to them would be "it's your mother's fault"???

For crying out loud Dictum that's NOT about exposure that's being blinded by hate and not trying to do everything in your power to try and protect his kids.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

sideways said:


> When you go on Facebook (it was said go on social media to broadcast this) you're basically telling the kids in the school. They'll either see it or many of the parents will see it and They'll tell their kids and then the kids tell other kids in the school. Word travels and fast!
> 
> When you do what you're suggesting it's NOT about exposing it Dictum as you're suggesting because you followed that up with "if the kids in the school find out his children's shame and embarrassment will be the fault of their mother"? Seriously???
> 
> I'll take it even further, what you're suggesting wouldn't be driven by "exposure" but it would be driven by hate because what you specifically stated that it didn't matter if his kids were embarrassed or felt shame.
> 
> Again do NOT TWIST my words Dictum. I agree exposure is the right thing and given the kids ages I have no problem telling them as well but where you and I differ is I would try to expose it the best way I can so that my kids do NOT take the brunt of the fall out.
> 
> See your kids come home crying because the kids at school were making fun of them or harassing them or bombarding them with questions and based upon what you stated your answer to them would be "it's your mother's fault"???
> 
> For crying out loud Dictum that's NOT about exposure that's being blinded by hate and not trying to do everything in your power to try and protect his kids.


How I missed that the suggestion was to expose on the school's facebook page and not to the administration only is beyond me.

I owe you an apology @sideways , I totally agree with you that announcing it to the school kids (as doing so through the school's social media will do) is out of bounds and is indeed a horrible idea.

I actually feel stupid for arguing a point I didn't fully read and honestly apologise that I advised having missed a key part of the objection you have raised.

No, OP, don't involve the kids at your wife's school. Don't use the school's facebook at all in this regard.


----------



## sideways

Dictum Veritas said:


> How I missed that the suggestion was to expose on the school's facebook page and not to the administration only is beyond me.
> 
> I owe you an apology @sideways , I totally agree with you that announcing it to the school kids (as doing so through the school's social media will do) is out of bounds and is indeed a horrible idea.
> 
> I actually feel stupid for arguing a point I didn't fully read and honestly apologise that I advised having missed a key part of the objection you have raised.
> 
> No, OP, don't involve the kids at your wife's school. Don't use the school's facebook at all in this regard.


No worries. Glad we're in agreement on this.


----------



## Willnotbill

Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!


What stands out to me is that the wife asked the OP to go out after a game with the coach and others from the team. Once at the bar/restaurant she sits next to the coach. Whether they are playing grab ass under the table or not, that is still very disrespectful to the OP. She is flaunting it and rubbing it in his face. With everything that the OP has stated I thinks its very likely this is a PA. I hope it isn't but there are just too many red flags saying it is.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

sideways said:


> HORRIBLE IDEA (exposing it on Facebook)!!
> 
> He has kids. No need to have them embarrassed for crying out loud. He can expose this in other ways.


I beg to differ. I exposed on Facebook. It was shock N awe. Maximum shame, maximum embarrasement.


----------



## re16

No Longer's story is a classic example of how going nuclear with consequences saved a marriage in the long run. Not saying it always has a chance to work out when one cheats, but this method is the only way there is even a possibility of successful reconciliation.


----------



## ConanHub

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I beg to differ. I exposed on Facebook. It was shock N awe. Maximum shame, maximum embarrasement.


I agree with your situation but I think OP's children are still pretty young and could be very vulnerable to blowback from social media.

If it's just the cheater's heads on the chopping block, I'm all for it.


----------



## GoldenR

I hope he comes back...

The last thing he responded to was some godawful advice to go win his wife back.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Captaintender said:


> So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.


NEVER, EVER, let your wife go on a date with another man. Period. End of story. As soon as you said yes, your marriage ended.



Captaintender said:


> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page.


They hooked up. Stop being a niave fool. She mentally HAS to convince herself you are a monster so she can justify letting this man touch her and oh believe me, he DID.

Grant her wish. Give this trash the divorce she so RICHLY deserves. Life's too short to be married to delusional cheating whores. Take my word for it... You can do better.


----------



## mickybill

When I was in 6th grade (in the 70s) one of the kids mom's hooked up with Mr M. the cool 5th-6th grade teacher.
Somehow we all figured it out because Mrs B was at the student pick-up line chatting with Mr M too much. Even for u dopey 6th graders.
So if Mrs Capt is the cheer coach and her BF is the football coach there's a very good chance that the kids have an idea about it. If not the staff.
Many years later I asked my mom if she know anything about it, and she said yes it was the under the radar gossip that year. All the moms knew and there was also talk that Mrs B was not the first.


----------



## manowar

Underground66 said:


> Go to the principle of the school TODAY and expose this. Don't wait. Let the coach feel your wrath.
> 
> I honestly think you should get on social media platform for the school (all my kids school's have facebook groups) and announce that the coach is pursuing your wife and if this is the kind of person people want coaching/teaching their children?


This guy must be dealt with especially after the way he condescendingly white knighted you. However, how you deal with him shoiuld be left up to you. I do things a little differently. 



BetrayedDad said:


> NEVER, EVER, let your wife go on a date with another man. Period. End of story. As soon as you said yes, your marriage ended.
> 
> They hooked up. Stop being a niave fool. She mentally HAS to convince herself you are a monster so she can justify letting this man touch her and oh believe me, he DID.
> 
> Grant her wish. Give this trash the divorce she so RICHLY deserves. Life's too short to be married to delusional cheating whores. Take my word for it... You can do better.


 *LISTEN to this guy* -- he knows what he's talking about. read his thread. He doesnt fk around!!!!!!


----------



## jlg07

Gabriel said:


> Not sure going to the school board or principal will really do anything. Teachers are one of the most "cheater" professions - it happens all the time. One of them isn't even married (the coach). If I was the principal I might have a meeting with the two of them and say, "I'm not getting in your business but if this affects your jobs or the kids, I'll make it my problem. Do you understand?" And that's about it. Is there a specific rule stating teachers/coaches can't hook up? I don't think so.


Well if he gets proof, he could always tell the cheerleading parents and the parents of the football players......


----------



## jlg07

Dictum Veritas said:


> If there is any embarrassment to the kids it is through their mothers adulterous ways, not through the exposure thereof. I actually take exception to people advising limiting exposure for [insert any reason].
> 
> This type of advice only benefits the adulterers.
> 
> There is no reason under heaven to be complicit in your spouses adultery by keeping it secret for the sake of the kids. Years later the kids would say that dad was so weak he didn't even try to stop it by telling the school. They will have no respect for their father when they become adults if he doesn't do absolutely everything to blow up this affair.


AND if they are this blatant, I'm sure there are MANY people at the school who know they are already cheating...


----------



## Beach123

It does seem like she is already physically cheating with him. Her alliance is definitely with him - so there’s nothing to indicate her love is in your corner. So it’s done. And the only you can do now is divorce her - and that’s for YOUR own good!l
The other thing you need to do is a dna test on your kids…your wife can’t be trusted.

now you start protecting yourself. Your wife is the enemy out to destroy you and all the history you’ve had.


----------



## sideways

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> I beg to differ. I exposed on Facebook. It was shock N awe. Maximum shame, maximum embarrasement.


The difference is OP has younger kids. Your kids were older and wouldn't suffer the ridicule and shame that OP kids would.


----------



## Divinely Favored

ConanHub said:


> Dismissing teachers over immorality
> 
> 
> Persida Acosta Dear PAO, The school where I teach is currently facing a controversy. Two of the teachers serving in our faculty who are both married were...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.manilatimes.net


I would be going after the coach. Contact upper administration and let them know coach basically stated he thought my wife was good looking and is actively pursuing an illicit relationship with her. Have 4 kids that will be removed from the school, prepare for lawsuit against the district and for all the parents to find out about this coach very soon. 

They are getting trashed in 🏈, may be just the thing to drop the coach in tgeir book.


----------



## Underground66

sideways said:


> HORRIBLE IDEA (exposing it on Facebook)!!
> 
> He has kids. No need to have them embarrassed for crying out loud. He can expose this in other ways.


I said to expose that the coach was pursuing his wife to the parents, not the kids, you are taking it out of context. The context was do you want this guy coaching/teaching your children? Let the coach and his WW wilt in the exposure, in the long run this could end or at least put a damper on the affair. All the parents will watching them all the time, at each game and practices. 

Also, do you not think his kids already know, obviously the 19 year old does, they are fighting about it.


----------



## sideways

Underground66 said:


> I said to expose that the coach was pursuing his wife to the parents, not the kids, you are taking it out of context. The context was do you want this guy coaching/teaching your children? Let the coach and his WW wilt in the exposure, in the long run this could end or at least put a damper on the affair. All the parents will watching them all the time, at each game and practices.
> 
> Also, do you not think his kids already know, obviously the 19 year old does, they are fighting about it.


No problem telling the principle, however you also said to go on social media (Facebook) to let the parents of the school know about what was going on with the coach. I also I have no problem with him telling his kids. 

What I don't agree with is broadcasting it to the school where parents will see it (as well as kids at the school) and there will be parents who see it telling their kids and thus the news spreads like crazy. Great for exposing the coach but now his kids are going to be harassed and will be embarrassed and more than likely experience shame.

Even though OP kids know does the whole school have to know what their mother is up to?

You're free to disagree but in my humble opinion it's a horrible idea. I'm ALL about exposure but what's more important is trying to protect my kids.

My sister got pregnant when I was a freshman in high school (she was a Sr). I can't tell you how much $h!t I got from kids in the school. Kids being kids. I can only imagine what type of $h!t OP kids would get with something like this.

His kids are innocent (they're not adults) and they're already going to have their world rocked by what their mother has done so why (if you can help it) add to their pain.


----------



## Landofblue

Direct, simple and honest. 
“_It is clear to me that you are in love with another man and not me. I will not be plan B or 2nd to another in my own marriage. If this man is your true love I will not keep me from your happiness. I will work to legally end the marriage that your choices has already seriously demaaged. This will take years to repair and I do not believe you have it in you to do the work to fix what you have broken by giving your heart to another man. 

I could name 30 things you will need to do to now fix this. But it starts with you never talking to this man again. And that means, if I’m truly the love of your life, that you find another job away from this man and eliminate him from your heart. If he’s still in your heart, then there is no you and I. 

There is nothing more to discuss about this. I know you. I can tell what you are feeling. If there is you and him there is no you and me. It will take years to repair this and honestly I don’t believe you have it in you. You haven’t even been honest to me about what you and he have said or done to each other. 

I vow to be the best coparent I can be but with what you have done you no longer need to consider me your husband or life partner_”

Unfortunately my friend this is the only approach that will give you a path to eventual happiness. Whether or not she follows you down that road is up to her. You can’t control what she does. Just control what you do. And if she’s spurring on this relationship with the football coach,then disengage and detach.

Her choices have immediately ended the vows she took with you toLove Honor Cherish and Protect. It will take years of hard effort on her part to restore them. I’m sorry.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Let her go OP. Tell her you want her to be happy and that you will not get in the way. Start the D process and have her served. 

You cannot compete with the other man because in your WW's addled brain he is the unicorn. She has brainwashed herself into believing he is a path to happiness for her and you are in her way. So give her what she wants. You work on taking care of you. Do the 180 in earnest and don't veer off of it.


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## gr8ful1

Welcome back @ArthurGPym !!!


----------



## re16

With 48 hour shifts going on and the misses and her OM working together, likely in close proximity to their home, I would be going nuts if I were OP. If you don't already have cameras at your house, might be a good idea to conceal one that gets the front entry / driveway etc. to see what happens when you are on a shift during school hours while the kids are gone.


----------



## Underground66

sideways said:


> No problem telling the principle, however you also said to go on social media (Facebook) to let the parents of the school know about what was going on with the coach. I also I have no problem with him telling his kids.
> 
> What I don't agree with is broadcasting it to the school where parents will see it (as well as kids at the school) and there will be parents who see it telling their kids and thus the news spreads like crazy. Great for exposing the coach but now his kids are going to be harassed and will be embarrassed and more than likely experience shame.
> 
> Even though OP kids know does the whole school have to know what their mother is up to?
> 
> You're free to disagree but in my humble opinion it's a horrible idea. I'm ALL about exposure but what's more important is trying to protect my kids.
> 
> My sister got pregnant when I was a freshman in high school (she was a Sr). I can't tell you how much $h!t I got from kids in the school. Kids being kids. I can only imagine what type of $h!t OP kids would get with something like this.
> 
> His kids are innocent (they're not adults) and they're already going to have their world rocked by what their mother has done so why (if you can help it) add to their pain.


I said expose the coach for pursing his wife. That POS admitted he was. Let others speculate what she did. Teachers/coaches are supposed to be setting an example. Let him feel the spot light of the parents. I am pretty sure most parents would not want a person like that coaching their kids. 

In the end, if I was a kid, I would want my parents to stay together and not get divorced, this exposure might prevent it or at least put a damper on it.

Do you not think this is going to get around like wildfire the head coach and married cheerleading coach are screwing at some point? better now when the exposure might stop it then later. IMHO.


----------



## snerg

Captaintender said:


> I truly don’t want a divorce *I love her she is my best friend* but I don’t know why or what caused her to become unhappy with me or the relationship we have had for all of these years. She refuses to talk to me about anything right now. How much space should I give her? I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want to lose my wife and break up our family. We have great kids almost no debt and financially we are sound so I don’t know what’s making her unhappy unless it’s just that she’s getting attention from a younger guy and that makes her feel good. I just don’t know.


Point to take here.
While you love her. She does not love you.
While she is your best friend. You are not hers.

You have already lost your wife. She has chosen another man. She is deep into affair land.
She has cheated emotionally and more than likely physically.

You're deep in the pick me dance phase.

Going to write a wall of text - please read through and think about your life:

Why simp for someone who doesn't want you?
Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?
Why allow you children to grow up in this environment?


1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
7) Eat.
8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
11) Start to separate funds
12) 180 like your life depended on it.
12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

Let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope they make you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else. The changes will never stick when it's done for someone else. Do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children. I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


----------



## Gabriel

The speculation on this thread is off the charts.

Only OP knows if he has any shot to save his marriage. He clearly wants to.

I think people misunderstood my original advice. I ignored this at first but people keep yelling about it.

This isn't a pick me dance. This is an ultimatum. You know how a boss might take a prized partner out to dinner right before telling him he's fired?? That's what OP should do, only he leaves an escape valve, a one last chance for her to get right. It has to be a strong showing - can't be sitting there in the living room with kids around, or at some bar she's already been to. Someplace nice, classy, what have you. A show of strength and demonstration of what she'd be missing. But no begging or asking. It's a demand. You're fired unless you do XYZ. No negotiation.


----------



## mickybill

Underground66 said:


> Do you not think this is going to get around like wildfire the head coach and married cheerleading coach are screwing at some point? better now when the exposure might stop it then later. IMHO.


More people are aware that "something" is going on than either head coach or cheer coach realize.
But that doesnt really matter. They have had plenty of time together with the OP working overnights.
What matters is if the Capt's WW is willing leave her job to save the marriage... (doubtful)
OTOH there may be a perfectly normal explanation to the favorite color and what do you want to on a date questions...

Hang in there Capt.


----------



## re16

mickybill said:


> OTOH there may be a perfectly normal explanation to the favorite color and what do you want to on a date questions...


I'm having a hard time thinking of how she could spin a tale that justifies the leggings color and saturday night date comments... but I'm always amazed at cheaters' ability to spin things.

ETA: I really hope he screenshot those texts before she deleted them.


----------



## jjj858

OP’s wife probably having a midlife crisis and realizes she’s losing “it” and this younger guy came along making her feel things she hasn’t felt for years. He just wants a piece of some cougar tail and doesn’t care what damage he causes to someone’s marriage. And she is delusional and lost in a fog. There’s no doubt that ol’ Jock Boy is not in it for the long haul. He will tap her for a bit and then discard and her dumb ass will be without a marriage and family.


----------



## Kaliber

jjj858 said:


> OP’s wife probably having a midlife crisis and realizes she’s losing “it” and this younger guy came along making her feel things she hasn’t felt for years. He just wants a piece of some cougar tail and doesn’t care what damage he causes to someone’s marriage. And she is delusional and lost in a fog. There’s no doubt that ol’ Jock Boy is not in it for the long haul. He will tap her for a bit and then discard and her dumb ass will be without a marriage and family.


Your assessment is correct if we assume that this is the first time she stepped out!


----------



## re16

Kaliber said:


> if we assume that this is the first time she stepped out!


----------



## Talker67

ArthurGPym said:


> Let her go OP. Tell her you want her to be happy and that you will not get in the way. Start the D process and have her served.
> 
> You cannot compete with the other man because in your WW's addled brain he is the unicorn. She has brainwashed herself into believing he is a path to happiness for her and you are in her way. So give her what she wants. You work on taking care of you. Do the 180 in earnest and don't veer off of it.


see here is the hard part. It is VERY likely that two months into living with the OM, she will suddenly wake up and wonder "WHAT DID IT DO???!"
But it will be too late then, the bridge, the pilings, and the road up to and departing from the bridge will all have been burned at that point in time.
so i AM of the opinion it is worth a try at getting her out of the fog.

I am not experienced in that, so i will just echo what others have said, "the 180" is probably your best hope. But don't kick her out, just yet anyway.


----------



## Talker67

re16 said:


> I'm having a hard time thinking of how she could spin a tale that justifies the leggings color and saturday night date comments... but I'm always amazed at cheaters' ability to spin things.
> 
> ETA: I really hope he screenshot those texts before she deleted them.



i don't get something. what is up with the whole "leggings color" thing.
i do not consider leggings something sexual.

if she had asked what color bustiere she should buy, and she is "dying for him to see it"
Or what sort of preparation she should do, brazillian, landing strip, etc, and she is "dying for him to touch it"
THEN i would be having a heart attack.

leggings....does not actually sound intimate to me.


----------



## MattMatt

*MODERATOR NOTE: *Please! No more threadjacking!


----------



## jjj858

Talker67 said:


> i don't get something. what is up with the whole "leggings color" thing.
> i do not consider leggings something sexual.
> 
> if she had asked what color bustiere she should buy, and she is "dying for him to see it"
> Or what sort of preparation she should do, brazillian, landing strip, etc, and she is "dying for him to touch it"
> THEN i would be having a heart attack.
> 
> leggings....does not actually sound intimate to me.


come on, no woman discusses leggings, Victoria’s Secret etc. with any random man unless they are banging them or thinking about it.


----------



## snerg

Talker67 said:


> see here is the hard part. It is VERY likely that two months into living with the OM, she will suddenly wake up and wonder "WHAT DID IT DO???!"
> But it will be too late then, the bridge, the pilings, and the road up to and departing from the bridge will all have been burned at that point in time.
> *so i AM of the opinion it is worth a try at getting her out of the fog*.


Why waste resources on a fail?
Better yet, why take back some one who has treated you with disrespect?




Talker67 said:


> I am not experienced in that, so i will just echo what others have said, "the 180" is probably your best hope. *But don't kick her out, just yet anyway*.


Why not?
She's already a foot out the door.
Why not get the other foot out the door and then close it?
There is someone else out there that will cherish and love him for being him.
Why waste time dealing with a cheater?


----------



## mickybill

"
i don't get something. what is up with the whole "leggings color" thing.
i do not consider leggings something sexual.
if she had asked what color bustiere she should buy, and she is "dying for him to see it"

On a lot of women leggings can be very sexy, but It's the "wouldn't be disappointed" part...she's dressing to look sexy for him.


----------



## jonty30

mickybill said:


> "
> i don't get something. what is up with the whole "leggings color" thing.
> i do not consider leggings something sexual.
> if she had asked what color bustiere she should buy, and she is "dying for him to see it"
> 
> It's the "wouldn't be disappointed" part...she's dressing to look sexy for him.


I think the woman is just stating the effort she is putting in to make herself attractive. She's basically telling him to tell her she's attractive when he sees her. 

She's fishnet stockings for compliments.


----------



## fluffycoco

Has OP ever showed up these days ? What happened...?


----------



## EleGirl

I just deleted a long thread jack. Thread jacks like this usually cause the OP to leave TAM because they assume they won't get useful input here. If you post on this thread, post directly to the OP with input for him. 

This is the second moderator warning on this thread.


----------



## re16

fluffycoco said:


> Has OP ever showed up these days ? What happened...?


We were kinda thinking he was working on a 48 hour fireman shift, but now that this much time has passed, I think it is either:

**** hit the fan with her and he is in crisis mode or

He didn't like the strong advice he was receiving and he's busy doing a pick me dance.


Neither of those options put OP in a good place... I hope he is hanging there, these are probably some of the worst days of his life right now.


----------



## ThreeHundo

Captaintender said:


> I truly don’t want a divorce I love her she is my best friend but I don’t know why or what caused her to become unhappy with me or the relationship we have had for all of these years. She refuses to talk to me about anything right now. How much space should I give her? I don’t want to be pushy but at the same time I don’t want to lose my wife and break up our family. We have great kids almost no debt and financially we are sound so I don’t know what’s making her unhappy unless it’s just that she’s getting attention from a younger guy and that makes her feel good. I just don’t know.


She's your best friend? Maybe she used to be but the woman you are describing has almost ZERO respect for you at this point and apparently wants a divorce. I'm curious why during the conversation with the coach you didn't tell him in no uncertain terms to stay the fu*k way from your wife.


----------



## Noneofyourdamnbizz

Are we gona get any update ?? Stop leaving us hanging


----------



## manwithnoname

I suspect **** got real for him, real fast. Her "smirk" when she went outside and saw them talking is telling. At that point, she was glad she didn't have to tell OP what was going on, she was relieved. Her making that **** up and saying she wanted a divorce was concerning. I hope he plays his cards right, and not get accused of something he didn't do.


----------



## mickybill

Noneofyourdamnbizz said:


> Are we gona get any update ?? Stop leaving us hanging


The guy is going thru his own bit of hell, if he comes it'll be on his time.


----------



## Angel wings

Captaintender said:


> So here’s what I have going on in my life right now. I’m a firefighter and my wife is a pe teacher and high school cheerleader coach. We have 4 kids oldest being 19 youngest being 3. So a few weeks ago while I was working a 48 hour shift I got a text from my wife asking me if it would be ok for her to go and have a few drinks with the varsity football coach so that they could discuss cheer/football talk.
> 
> I had never met the football coach and I didn’t really think too much about them having a meeting to discuss things in regards to the two sports since I know that the cheer leaders were having a very hard time trying to cheer for a losing team. Due to Covid the school **** down their sports program last year and the old coach left and took a lot of the upperclassman players with him to another school that continued to play football during covid.
> 
> My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 of them. We’ve had our ups and downs but what couple that has been together for half of their lives hasn’t? We also have the Life360 apps on our phones so that we could keep track of our teenage daughters and of course we are all on the app. So like I said I didn’t think much of the meeting taking place. I received an update when my wife left the house and another one when she returned from the meeting 2 hours later.
> 
> She called me or texted me I don’t recall which when she had returned home and she informed me that it was a good meeting and they thought that they had come up with some good ideas to get both teams on the same page. She then told me that the coach seemed like someone that I would get along with really well and would like for the three of us to get together in the future. I thought ok that’s a possibility. I asked my wife if he was married and she told me that he had just got out of a serious relationship and that he was 29yrs old and from our home state. I didn’t think much more about it after that.
> 
> So fast forward about two weeks after their meeting I decided to take our two younger kids to the home football game to both see how the team played and to watch my senior daughter perform during the half time show since she is a cheer leader and my wife and oldest daughter are the coaches. Football team gets destroyed score was like 44-0.
> 
> I met up with my wife after the game and she told me that I might as well head home and that she was gonna have to wait for the girls on her team to get picked up from the school before she could head home. I said ok see you in a few Gabe her a kiss and went home with our littles. About 10 minutes after being home my two older girls got home and my wife showed up about 5 minutes after they did.
> 
> My wife then asked me if I would like to go to the local sports bar to meet up with the football coaching staff since they were going there for drinks. I said sure let’s go and my high school senior daughter said that she would like to go because some of her friends were there with their parents so we took her with us so she could drive us home after having A few drinks. We get to the bar and the head coach sees us and comes over to introduce himself to me. Again I don’t suspect anything is going on at this time.
> So after about a half hour a lot of the parents that were sitting at the long row of tables we were all sitting at started to leave so my wife and I were able to move down towards the end of the table where the coaches were all at. Everyone is having a good time and chatting. The restaurant staff approached our table and asked us to migrate to the bar area if we wanted to stay since they were closing down the restaurant side of the sports bar so we all moved.
> 
> Once we got there the old football coach and his wife showed up and we sat at a table with them. So now it’s the old coach and his wife, myself and my wife and daughter, the new football coach and the defensive coach sitting at s table. My wife is sitting across from me and the new football coach is sitting to her left. As we are sitting at the table talking I notice that the new coach puts his right arm down under the table next to my wife. Her arms are resting on the table as she is talking with the other coaches wife.
> 
> So I slightly slide my chair back to see if I can get a view under the table to see if the new coach is rubbing my wife’s leg or if I’m just over reacting. I can’t really see much of his hand but I keep an eye on him anyway. And then I start to get this weird feeling in my stomach like something isn’t quite right here. We end up closing the bar down and everyone leaves and goes their separate ways.
> 
> We get home and I don’t say anything we just go to bed. I wake up the next morning and go to work. I come home the next day and wait for my wife to get home and she’s seems a little distant. Again I didn’t think much of it since she’s up at 430 in the morning to have practice with her team at 5am and then she teaches gym class from 730-4pm Monday through Thursday.
> 
> I assumed she was just tired from work. So she tells me that she’s tired and she’s gonna shower and go to bed. No biggie right. So I clean up stuff from dinner and I walk into the bedroom and she’s texting on her phone which is pretty much the norm for her. But I noticed that her ringer isn’t going off and she did tell me she was tired but I thought it was odd that she would be texting. Texting goes on for about an hour and then she goes to bed.
> 
> Again I didn’t think to much about. So I did start to notice that she was holding the phone away from my line of sight tho when she would get a msg or respond and I asked her why she had the ringer off and she just told me that it was habit from school. So this has been a routine thing now for about two weeks when I’m not at work. So I go to work again for my shift and I am texting her occasionally throughout the day and before attempting to go to bed at work and I noticed that it takes her awhile to respond back to my msgs.
> 
> So again get that gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from work and she’s at work and I am sitting in our kitchen and I hear her iPad beep and that she has a text msg. So I look at it and I see a phone number that I don’t recognize sending a msg about something.
> 
> So I wait for her to check it on her end before I click on the msg app and I notice that there is a bunch of msgs in the thread from this number going back days on end. And on a couple of the dates I see that it’s happening on days I’m at work and after I’ve talked to her and she tells me that she’s tired and going to bed. Sometimes the msgs go for an hour or two after she tells me she’s going to bed…so now I get real suspicious as to what’s going on.
> 
> The msgs are innocent In nature and I don’t know who the sender is. So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.
> 
> I tell her I can’t prove anything but there is an awful lot of msgs going back and forth but I don’t know who the sender is. So when my other daughter gets home from school I ask her if she has the football coaches number and she says yeah and gives it to me. Lo and behold the number that’s been texting my wife is the football coaches.
> 
> So now it’s a Sunday and my wife and I are having a few drinks watching football on tv and she gets a text and starts laughing. I ask her what’s so funny and she tells me that the old football coach just texted her asking her why she isn’t at the sports bar watching football and she tells me she told him we were already having drinks at home watching football. I said that’s kinda random why would he text her that since we haven’t ever gone to that sports bar to watch football before?
> 
> She responds to me that she doesn’t know. So I go in to get us fresh drinks and she continues to text on her phone. Me being suspicious already I proceed over to the her iPad and click on msgs and see that not only is she texting the old coach she’s also texting the new coach and the new coach had asked her if the old coaches asked her to go to the bar?
> 
> Now I’m really suspicious and I’m reading some of the other msgs that he has sent her throughout the afternoon. So I go back to where she is sitting and I ask her to be 100% honest with me about the question I’m about to ask her. She says ok what’s the question? I ask her if there is something going on between her and the football coach and she of course tells me no that they are just friends and then she try’s to change the subject. I try to bring her back to my question and again she try’s to change the subject so then I ask her why she’s lying to me?
> 
> She deflects again. I then tell her I know that your not just texting the old coach she texting the new one too so what the hell is going on? She deflects again and then tells me they are friends and then goes off on me and telling me that I hate her and the kids and she breaks down crying and tells me that she almost filed for divorce over the summer and that she’s in a miserable marriage and that we are both unhappy and that I need anger management classes so in and so forth.
> 
> I’m completely blown away by these statements from her and I try to get info out of her but she shuts down and just cries and tells me everything is my fault. She then goes in the house and proceeds to delete her text msgs and iMessages and disconnects her Apple ID from the iPad. I asked her then what she’s trying to hide that she went to all that trouble to delete the msgs and stuff and she continues to cry and blame me for being controlling. She cried through most of the night and then gets out of bed at 3am and goes into the kitchen.
> 
> I sneak over to the door and look through the crack and I see her sitting at the counter on her iPad eating something since she went to bed without eating dinner that night. I assumed she was watching Netflix or something while she ate some food. She returned to the bedroom after about a half hour and then proceeds to cry for an hour before getting up to go to work. I wake up a hour later to get our son ready for school and as I’m packing his lunch her iPad gets a text msg that’s to my daughter asking her to bring her a water bottle to school on her way to practice.
> 
> So I think to myself ok she hooked her Apple ID back up. My daughter comes into the house I play stupid and ask her why she’s at home and not at practice and she tells me mom forgot the water bottle when she left for work I said ah gotcha and then I asked her to bring her brother to school since it’s at the same location.
> 
> So throughout the day she starts getting msgs from the football coach who tries to be funny and she tells him it’s not s good day she’s sorry. Immediately he asks her if she needs him to give her space or if there is anything he can get her if if she needs someone to talk to. She agrees to talk to him somewhere on campus. That’s the end of the msgs.
> 
> I leave everything alone for a few days and then she seems to have come to her senses and acts as if nothing happened and decided that she wanted to have sex a few days later. Sex is something that happens once a month but has been non existent for almost two months. And then sex again two days later and the whole time I’m on guard. So again I go to work and I start getting a gut feeling that something isn’t right. I get home from my shift and I check the iPad and there are msgs on there from him asking her if they both had a free Saturday night what would her ideal night be?
> 
> She said I don’t know I would have to think about that. He then texted that I understand that you don’t probably get many free Saturday nights and she responds yeah not right now but maybe soon. He then texted her that his ideal night would be dinner at the lake, maybe a movie, and then late night walk and talk.
> 
> She responds anything on the water is good and maybe throw in a fire cause who doesn’t like a fire. She then asks him what his favorite color is and he tells her black and navy blue. She tells him he’s boring that she likes bright colors and was on Victoria secrets website ordering new leggings and wanted to know what color he likes so she could buy them. And that he wouldn’t be disappointed in the ones she ordered. So I see this and obviously know there is more then a friendship materializing here.
> 
> So this past Friday again football game team loses and wife says we should go hang at the bar after with coaches. I e been thinking for two weeks now how do I handle this but decide sure let’s go. We get there no head coach but the rest of the coaches are there. 15 minutes after we are there in he walks. He goes to the bar orders a beer and then sits in the middle of the long row of tables attached to the one we are all sitting at and doesn’t say a word to anyone. Again we are asked to move into the bar and this time I sit right next to him at the table we all move to.
> 
> Everyone else is talking and he’s pretty much mute so I try to make conversation with him telling him that he is extremely quite tonight. He says he’s just thinking about the game. In the mean time my wife is in conversation with some of the others at our table. The coach gets up and he heads to the rest room and I decide to go there as well. When I walk in he’s at a urinal and I see that no one else is in there and I say to him hey man what’s your favorite color? Black or navy blue? He looks over at me and says I think we need to talk and I said yeah I think we do too.
> 
> So we leave the rest room and walk outside and I confront him about what the hell is going on and he starts telling me that he started the communication with my wife. Not her. I said ok but what are your intentions here? She is married and has four kids what the hell are you thinking? Btw My wife is 10yrs older then this guy. I tell him I get it I’m a guy I know what he wants.
> 
> He then tells me that he really likes my wife and that she’s beautiful and I responded with no **** I married her. I’m well aware of her looks. As we are talking one of the other coaches sees us outside and walks over to us asking what we are doing and we tell him talking. He asked about what and we say stuff. The other coach said yeah but you guys have been gone for like 15 minutes and my wife asked him to go find us in the bathroom.
> 
> About that time my wife walks outside and has a stupid smirk on her face and asks what’s going on. I proceed to tell her we are talking. She asks about what and I responded with what do you think we are talking about? She looks at me and then at the head coach and then tells the other coach to walk away and let us talk. The other coach leaves and then I ask my wife and the head coach what the hell is going on and the just look at me. Then my wife demanded to be brought home.
> 
> So we get in our car and leave. I asked my wife what’s going on and she blows me off at first and then tells me that we should probably get a divorce. I then tell her I don’t want a divorce I want to know what’s happening. She tells me we are unhappy and she is sick of me not trusting her. I tell her I’d she wasn’t being sneaky and deleting her msgs I wouldn’t have a reason to not trust her. I then tell her I have seen her msgs about the pants and the date night stuff.
> 
> Again she deflects calls me a a-hole and tells me we should probably get divorced again. I then asked her if she was more pissed about our relationship or the fact that I caught on to her new relationship and called them both out about it. I don’t think anything has happened intimately between them other then the texting but I don’t know for sure. I asked her to go to marriage counseling but she doesn’t seem interested in doing that.
> 
> I told her I don’t want to do this to our kids and I think we can work it out but we are both gonna have to make the effort. I asked her to stop text long and talking to the football coach but she doesn’t seem to be too interested at this time in doing that. I haven’t seen any msgs back and forth between them since Friday night but I know she talked to him face to face on Saturday. And I’m sure she talked to him Monday at work since they have a similar teaching schedule and share two prep hours together.
> 
> . Was I wrong in confronting them both? what should my next move be? I really would like to get to the whole text message list but I have no idea how to do that once they have been deleted. I also don’t know if she has a hidden msging app on her phone since I can’t see her msgs now that she’s fully aware that I have seen some of them. Our oldest daughter has seen some of the msgs too since she became suspicious after I did and started playing private eye on her own.
> Need advise please!!


My dear I feel your pain it's like someone ripped your heart out and put it back. I personally think she is disrespectful towards you that's her life partner and your kids. She trapped into a fancy zone and at the same time hurting you and the kids. What do you want ask yourself that question in front of the mirror and prayer for guidance. I know it's not easy my dear seeing her everyday and taking you for a fool. I know you love her that's why you still with her and because you afraid to be alone. Trust your feelings and yourself and say enuf is enuf. Have meeting with your kids and just be truthful to them and rest will follow. She can't do that it's wrong and it's big sin in the Bible to commit adultery. 

You know am going tru simelar situation and am in process of getting my life in order. Just love yourself and please don't punish the next person that will come into your life. All ladies are not like your wife. I feel sorry for cheaters out there because what comes around go around. They will get punishment by God.


----------



## Talker67

At brrngel wings said:


> *and please don't punish the next person that will come into your life. All ladies are not like your wife. *


that brings up a good point, wait to form new relationships. there is no rush!


----------



## Gabriel

No shot he's coming back here at this point. He saw the first few pages of responses, and is acting accordingly. Not his job to fill us in.


----------



## Megaforce

Gabriel said:


> No shot he's coming back here at this point. He saw the first few pages of responses, and is acting accordingly. Not his job to fill us in.


----------



## Megaforce

This story pretty much epitomizes the oft seen initial mistakes made by a betrayed spouse. My brushes with infidelity in both my marriages was so long ago, I forget how confused and traumatized I was, such that I followed a similar pattern as this man, the bargaining, the fear of confrontation, the denial etc. It is tough to watch someone make similar mistakes. After decades reading this as and meeting and talking to countless betrayed men, I have come to the conclusion that accepting that the marriage is over and getting out as expeditiously as possible is the way to go in most cases.
The trauma is just to great and very few men, if they manage to stay and, for lack of a better word " reconcile" wind up happy. The resentment one feels, not to mention the ongoing lack of trust, forever denatured the relationship. In effect, a betrayed has to employ such intense mental gymnastics to run from the ever present knowledge that his or her spouse fed them a **** sandwich , injuring them forever, that it is very unlikely the betrayed will be at peace and secure. I guess there are exceptions, but I and most of the guys I spoke with could not let this go.
Strange thing is that in almost every other area, I am forgiving to a fault. Not this one, for whatever reason.


----------



## skerzoid

Come on folks, he gone. He didn't want to hear the truth, he wanted us to tell him what he wanted to hear. Many times this happens.


----------



## Casual Observer

Captaintender said:


> ...So my oldest daughter comes home from the school after cheer practice this particular morning and I asked her if she had the football coach’s phone number and she tells me no but her sister has it since the football coach was her track coach last year. She asks me how come? My response to her was I think there might be something going on between mom and the coach and she responds with eww that’s gross.


I'm a bit late to this party but OP, if you're still around, it feels wrong to me to not just involve your kids in helping with the detective work, but telling them of your suspicions. You really didn't have enough to go on, at that time, to suggest their mom was having an affair, especially with someone they knew. You were putting them in a terrible position. It was ok to get the coach's number stealthily, but that's not what you did.

If your marriage is to survive this, and you go into counseling, try to be very, very open to what is being said. You kind of casually toss out that sex has been just once a month for a while, and pretty much make it all about her. You assume that she's lying when she says she hasn't been happy. And maybe she is lying. But maybe she's not. There are people who go around telling people they're happily married and they're just completely in their own world about that, not taking into account issues their partner has, what that partner might say in an unguarded moment. Or simply ignoring what their partner is saying if it indicates a real problem in the marriage.

If it turns out your wife has walked out of the marriage, is having an affair with this guy. none of what I've written above provides an excuse for it. Just consider that, if you want your marriage to work, to thrive, it may require some effort on your part, not just hers. May. I could be reading this all wrong.


----------



## marchy4039

snerg said:


> Point to take here.
> While you love her. She does not love you.
> While she is your best friend. You are not hers.
> 
> You have already lost your wife. She has chosen another man. She is deep into affair land.
> She has cheated emotionally and more than likely physically.
> 
> You're deep in the pick me dance phase.
> 
> Going to write a wall of text - please read through and think about your life:
> 
> Why simp for someone who doesn't want you?
> Why stay?
> Why allow them to disrespect you?
> Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
> Why listen to another lie?
> Why allow you children to grow up in this environment?
> 
> 
> 1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
> 2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
> 3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
> 4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
> 5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
> 6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
> 7) Eat.
> 8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
> 9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
> 10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
> 11) Start to separate funds
> 12) 180 like your life depended on it.
> 12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouse simply didn't love you as much as you love them
> 12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
> 13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
> 14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
> 15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
> 16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:
> 
> Just Let Them Go
> 
> The end result?
> 
> The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
> 
> That is the end result.
> 
> Let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
> 
> Let them go.
> 
> Agree with them and their feelings,
> "you should be with the OM, I hope they make you happy, good bye"
> 
> Wouldn't that be true love?
> 
> If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
> 
> Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
> Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
> 
> You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else. The changes will never stick when it's done for someone else. Do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
> 
> I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
> 
> But cheating, no excuses.
> 
> Think about cheating.
> A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
> 
> Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
> 
> Fighting the affair? For what reason?
> To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
> What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
> They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
> 
> The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
> 
> "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children. I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
> 
> You give them what they want.
> You don't fight them on this issue.
> You agree with their feelings,
> they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
> 
> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
> 
> I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
> 
> You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
> 
> Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


Absolutely brilliant and spot on agree with all of it hope he reads this everyday


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