# How much 'couple' time do you need?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

We're really in the sh*te & I'm not sure how much longer we can go on; however we're both desperate to try. Where we seem to differ (maybe one of the ways) is in how much time we should spend 'talking about' our issues. I read somewhere you need 15-20 hours a week one on one to stand any chance of improving a relationship. I guess that's on top of normal couple life, children, work, etc. He prefers the notion of 'just get on with life & realise how lucky you are without bellyaching about our relationship too much' ...... 
We don't even live in the same country. 
Anyone any thoughts about how much time you need to put in 'working on' relationship problems?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Apologies for the bump - and a self-bump (?!) at that; OH is here tonight for about 11 days so I'm trying to bolster all my thoughts etc. Not helped by him saying he doesn't want to talk about a mega issue about our son and he doesn't want to talk about a mega issue about my mother..... and if I were even to raise the question 'how why when can they be discussed' that would count against me for raising the issues. Hmph. 
Any help out there ref 'couple time'?


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## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

I have no idea how much couple time you need. I am kind of starting to rebuild with my other half but I can tell you my thoughts.

We just finally had a long talk the other night. I wrote down things I perceived to be wrong and he did the same. Then we shared and discussed them. Sometimes with my crying and sometimes with him crying. 

I expressed how I have to talk about my feelings and what has brought us to the point we are at today and express when I have "freak out" moments of worry. 

He finally agreed that we need to sit and talk and to reconnect. No cell phones, no internet, no tv, no kids. I am not sure how much time in a week we will spend talking but at least he is willing to start each night of 15 minutes and let it go from there. Maybe we only need 15 minutes tonight. Maybe tomorrow we need 2 hours. But at least he is not closing the door on talking and couple time with me. He has realized that we do need open honest 100% communication and that we need to make it a priority again. 

I though in return have promised to stop with my naggy gripey ways, to listen and NOT interrupt, to show him affection, and to really also give it 100%. 

I do have a point to this sorry. Sometimes men do not see what is important to make a relationship work. Sometimes women do not see what is important to make a relationship work. But I can tell you from my experience that until you BOTH are on the same page and in agreement on how to get past it, it is not going to fully fix the issues. We just got to that point this week after months of arguing and one or the other begging the other to see their point. 

We are reading the book "fighting for your marriage" TOGETHER and watching the dvd that came with TOGETHER. Also turnera posted some links in a thread I did and we have started to read those and do the free questionaire (which we plan to do tonight for our couple time) and I can tell you I feel so much better about my future than I think I have in a long time. I am not sure we will make it, but at least today, right at this moment, I am trying and I know in my heart he is also giving it his all. I can not predict what tomorrow will bring but I hope that we both have realized we do not want to end what we once had and that we will become a success story. 

Good luck to you


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I think the answer (as it often does) lies between the two of you. While you do need some time to "hash things out" you also need some time together NOT hashing things out. You need some time to relax from the last stressful encounter and just relearn to live and enjoy one another.

While the past does need to be gone over to get to a fresh future, if you spend too much time doing that, you will look at your time together as something to be avoided. Hashing out the past and too much concentration on what the two of you were not doing right together is exhausting and could make you really not want to be around each other...probably not what you are really seeking 

If you two are going to a counselor my advice would be to leave that be the "hash out" time for now unless the counselor suggests "homework". In doing so your home can then become a haven of rest and enjoyment with each other - as it should be. You want to both look at coming home to see each other as a GOOD thing.

If you are not going to a counselor, I'd suggest maybe only having one "hash out " session a week and limiting it to maybe at most 2 hours. I think ideally you rather set up a "hash out" room as well. NOT the bedroom and probably not your usual living space. Definitely NOT while out on a date  (if you aren't dating...start - even if it is just an inexpensive walk around the block together) So where? I don't know..the basement? garage? 

Rules of engagement when "hashing out" need to be established or you may spin in circles. One thing is NO INTERUPTING, no matter how hard. If you need to get an object to pass back and forth and you can only speak when you have it.

Only ONE thing at a time. You don't get to keep the floor and read the riot act to your partner. You speak, the other listens then speaks and you listen. Then hopefully you speak and tell them what you are hearing them say and then vice-versa. 

The thing about doing this in a very civilized manner is that it really does cause you to have to listen better. It also leads to better understanding of your partner. For me it really helped me to fall in love with my wife again! Why? I learned to listen and appreciate her more.

Best of luck - keep making your own!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

*)*

Hi & thanks both. Some useful stuff. What was the thread, wannabewife? The questions/whatever might be good for us too. 
I kind of get the idea that spending the whole time talking 'emotional stuff' would be too much. I've been guilty of wanting that; my reason (excuse?) is the nub of our principal problem - we don't even live in the same country and only see each other for about 10/11 days every 10/11 days. So I constantly feel like we're playing catchup & of course when he's here we haven't progressed because we haven't even been in the same continent let alone the same room. Hence my thread in the first place. What time is the minimum anyone thinks a couple should commit to attempting to rebuild. 
(sorry if I've just repeated the first question & maybe there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer but a 'rule of thumb' would be good!)


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