# A Post-Divorce Dating Questions



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Not long after the Court Room gavel has fallen on a divorce where infidelity was involved, and the former betrayed spouse subsequently reenters the dating world:

(1) Does that betrayed spouse from that prior divorce have the inherent right to ask a dating partner if they have ever cheated within the scope of their lifetime?

(2) And if so, how and when would one go about asking their dating partner that question without unduly upsetting or offending them?*


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

1. I don't know if it's an issue of 'rights' as much as etiquette. 

2. You're more than likely going to be sharing some relationship history if you are seriously or even casually dating. Asking "what happened? how did it end?" about previous relationships (especially engagements and marriages) is a normal question. If you can piece together a timeline of previous ex's you might be able to tell just based on that info. (That is, if they left somebody for someone else.) If you want to be bold, you could put it in terms of yourself. You could say what you're looking for in a relationship and that fidelity is really important to you, and that you don't want to get serious with anyone who has been in an emotional or physical affair before. That might get someone to open up about their past and their values. You may find someone you like who HAS cheated before but really regrets it. Maybe it was 15 or 20 years ago. If someone says they've never cheated, you won't know if they are telling the truth or not. That's the hard part. They may not want to be judged or they may be interested in you but fear losing your interest. If someone breaks it off with you soon after you start digging about cheating, perhaps that's an indication that they did cheat but didn't want to admit. I wouldn't suggest asking the question very directly, but you probably want to know the answer before you get too close to someone.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> (1) Does that betrayed spouse from that prior divorce have the inherent right to ask a dating partner if they have ever cheated within the scope of their lifetime?


* The damage that an affair causes a BS is brutal. 15 minutes on TAM's CWI is a testament to that fact. Were I back in the dating world as a BS post-divorce, I'd have to develop a well-defined rubric on how dating would work. I think it begins with what your specific intentions are - are you looking for nothing serious? Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for a marriage partner? The answer to these questions should at least help formulate your order of operations on how to breach that subject. 

If you're only looking to play the field, then the affair thing isn't very relevant with a dating partner. If, however, you really enjoy this partner and start progressing, clearly a discussion of your past, and expectations of a viable partner must be made. I haven't dated in over 25 years myself so I'd be a bit off my game, but I'm thinking you'd know when it's appropriate...*



> (2) And if so, how and when would one go about asking their dating partner that question without unduly upsetting or offending them?


*I'd just share how you got to be where you are today. The damage it's caused. Likely, you'll be dating somebody who is in a similar situation...though of course you KNOW that they might actually be the OP rather than the BS in that failed marriage. This is I'm sure why you're asking us here when and how to proceed...

Every good relationship is built on open and honest dialogue. You just have to have the discussion when you determine that your dating partner may be worthy of something serious. If you can't just come out with it affirmatively, then you're not quite ready for something more serious.*


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Arbitrator...

Everyone has there baggage. You just need to find someone who will help you unpack yours. I have been dating a lot lately. I won't commit to anyone until I date them for 6 months. You kind of have to wait to get serious to make sure they are who you think they are.

If you ask them if they ever cheated... why not just say... 'Hey, my last relationship really screwed me up, so I might be a little nuts and you really don't want to date me!'

Just enjoy yourself. Having dinner with a beautiful woman is great. Enjoy it for the moment it is. 

Also I have my red flag sensors on high so I listen to them, not for what they say, but also for what they omit. Be aware but when you go out on a date it is just a date until you are ready for more. Give it a decent amount of time. 6 months is my time. I just turned 44 so I am in no hurry, but I do not let time pass me by.

You may have to remind yourself... she is not your WS. You may trigger but let it go. Your first date may be a total throw away to get your nerves past it so know that going in...

I have no expectations of the women I date. It is very easy to have a good time.

I took a lovely woman to see Straight No Chaser for the Christmas show.
I took another lovely woman to see the Symphony play the Christmas musical and dinner.
I took another woman to see Handle's Messiah and dinner.
I took one to the local Peruvian restaurant and we just walked around and talked all night.
I am taking one to go indoor rock climbing with me.

Don't go to the movies. You can't talk during the movies. During the shows they give small breaks. Do something you can be close to them and do a fair amount of talking. Make it interesting but not uncomfortable.

Interested in Interesting. Listen much more than you talk. You want to get to know someone. Listen to them. You don't get to know someone by telling them how your EX screwed you over.

Listen to them. Ask about them and find out who they are. Hopefully you know who you are.

I am extremely picky. I want a woman who is pretty enough and just has everything else that I want in life.

If you are not a good listener then learn to be. Women don't come out and say things (in general). The lovely one I dated last night told me I was stupid... in a nice way. (I was stupid. I should have rearranged my schedule better so we could have had more time...) She didn't tell me I was stupid, but I apologized for acting stupidly anyway.

You don't need to ask them if they cheated. You simply pay attention to their story and you listen and remember. If something does not sit right... it isn't right. There are plenty of others out there. Pay attention and don't assume the worst but keep your red flag alerts up.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Normal for a BS to ask someone that they want to date.

One of the first things people ask when older and it is safe to assume that they were married before is why are they not married now.

I would not want to date a WW. Though many a BW and BH married only to have one of them become a WS.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I can't really see that the asking of "that question" would really hold all that much relevance before it became all-too apparent that there was some aura of seriousness forming within that particular dating relationship itself!

IMHO, that's where questions would need to be asked, and if answered satisfactorily, when boundaries would need to be firmly set, and just not casually implied by means of simple but universally accepted social norms!*


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MovingAhead said:


> Arbitrator...
> 
> Everyone has there baggage. You just need to find someone who will help you unpack yours. I have been dating a lot lately. I won't commit to anyone until I date them for 6 months. You kind of have to wait to get serious to make sure they are who you think they are.
> 
> ...



Hey ... I wrote this post a few years ago.

People REALLY need to come to terms with what 'dating' is.

It's supposed to be fun and discovery. If you are coming out of a marriage that lasted years, odds are you need to reacquaint yourself with social norms and dating ettiquette.

Don't know about you, but at the point I meet a woman I'm not thinking about whether or not this is my next life partner. My advice? Neither should you.

I can't say that 'whether or not she is a cheater' has ever crossed my radar while dating.

If it's important to you, so be it. But if you can't get the answer to whether or not someone's marriage or marriages ended as a result of their infidelity, without coming right out and asking them if they are cheaters ... then again, you need to brush up on your dating/conversation skills.

I have in fact discovered on several occasions that the woman I was seeing had been unfaithful. Still didn't phase me based on where our relationship stood.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Hey ... I wrote this post a few years ago.
> 
> People REALLY need to come to terms with what 'dating' is.
> 
> ...


*Much like you, Deejo, I do not really feel all that comfortable in disclosing anything about my prior marital relationship until there is some degree of mutual trust established between both parties, and usually, I will usually let them do the asking about that first.

The dating experience itself, at least for this old codger is supposed to be fun. No question about that! Because that's where one really gets to feel whether there is any kind of existent commonalities needed for a prospective long-term relationship.

But at least for me, that's only when and where that I might pose those "prior relationship" inquiries; and in turn, exact the same from them about me!*


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I can tell you Arbitrator, if a date asked me, "Have you ever cheated on a partner?"

My response would be, "Sounds like you've been hurt pretty bad."

I suppose I just don't find the question logical. If they did cheat and are honest with you, then likely an affirmative answer is going to be a trigger for the person asking the question.

If they are a person with no moral character, (which I suppose is the purpose of discovery with the question) then what it is to prevent them from simply lying, and then you are none the wiser?

I just think it's a loaded question. I'd much rather get a sense for who they are ... and importantly who they are with me, and come to my own conclusions about the viability of the relationship.

I absolutely understand that there are deal-breakers. I can't be with a smoker. I can't be with a drug user. I can't be with someone who doesn't like oral sex (not kidding), but let's face it, you're certainly not going to ask about that last point on a first date.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I can tell you Arbitrator, if a date asked me, "Have you ever cheated on a partner?"
> 
> My response would be, "Sounds like you've been hurt pretty bad."
> 
> ...


*Totally!*


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Totally!*



:rofl:
Arbitrator you do speak like us kids! I'm sure it's a one time slip.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> :rofl:
> *Arbitrator you do speak like us kids! I'm sure it's a one time slip.*


*Not so, Darlin'! Far from it! You've got to remember that I have both a College Senior, who has a ring in his nose from the sweetest little College Junior girl in the world; and a Sophomore in the household.

Ol' Dad had better remain "hip" to foster the communication channels with all of you kids!. 

Sometimes, I really think that I would have made an absolutely great college professor!
*


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Arbitrator, you seem like a pretty level headed guy. I think you will find a strong-headed yet sensitive woman whom you can care for and be cared for in return. You're almost at 5,000 posts here on TAM. You probably know some of the red flags. Listen to how they talk about their ex's, watch their body language, see how fast they move in a relationship, etc. Clearly, you want to filter out cheaters (we all do), and I expect that in a real life dating encounter, you will have a pretty good sense of how and when to ask the other person about their history. Act natural, state your positions, and gauge their responses.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Arbitrator, you seem like a pretty level headed guy. I think you will find a strong-headed yet sensitive woman whom you can care for and be cared for in return. You're almost at 5,000 posts here on TAM. You probably know some of the red flags. Listen to how they talk about their ex's, watch their body language, see how fast they move in a relationship, etc. Clearly, you want to filter out cheaters (we all do), and I expect that in a real life dating encounter, you will have a pretty good sense of how and when to ask the other person about their history. Act natural, state your positions, and gauge their responses.


*Strong: Thanks for your confidence, kind Sir! Even for an old fart, there's still a lot out there that I don't totally know. But for a retired G-Man, I can pretty well tell when I'm being told that I'm just strolling through a thunderstorm, when they're actually busy pissing on my shoes! But I do thank God for giving me my common sense, although I can be as naive as hell at times ~ well, about certain things anyway!*


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Not long after the Court Room gavel has fallen on a divorce where infidelity was involved, and the former betrayed spouse subsequently reenters the dating world:
> 
> (1) Does that betrayed spouse from that prior divorce have the inherent right to ask a dating partner if they have ever cheated within the scope of their lifetime?
> 
> ...


I don't believe this question should come up in a dating/casual situation. During the dating process you're getting to know that person and how they'll fit into their lives. Usually at the 3 month mark the casualness turns into serious and then it's time to inquire.

Interesting question.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

After mine, I started dating about four months from D. I'm very slow to jump into anything, without giving sometime. A lot of questions come up during this time. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I know I asked a woman I was dating, if she thought fidelity in a committed relationship was acceptable, her response without question an absolute no no. At least I didn't get slapped in the face. In this day and age, with as much infidelity there is, I can't find a reason not to. Just be nice about it. Honesty about it doesn't hurt either.


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