# Please be gentle, if possible



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Need some editorial input here. About to send STBXH the settlement agreement to look over. Before I fully realized it, my fingers typed this email to accompany it but I need advice as to how this sounds.

Even though it's been nearly a year, I find it

difficult yet to accept this. Logically, I know that I could not, nor would not, ever reconcile

with someone who deserted me this way. But my heart still rebels

at the knowledge that this is the way it has to be. Saddens me to think that it all meant so little

to make no effort to work together and resolve the issues between us. While I have accepted

my own shortcomings and am endeavoring to improve myself, it continues to feel very much like several

daggers in the broken bits of my heart. 



Simply put "IT HURTS!"


Critiques please.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Do what you want. Nothing to be gained by expressing yourself. You just need to ask what are you trying to accomplish? You could say the same things in IC which might produce something better for you.

IMHO


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You just shared this here, I read and acknowledged it, yes it is sad and hard. You have been heard and your words have so much meaning to those who understand.

By sharing this with the man who willingly and, for intents and purposes, deliberately tore up your heart, what do you expect to achieve? You may make him wince with a tiny shard of pain but you will not make him understand your pain or his mistake. The best way to explain consequences when the one we love cuts is from their heart is to be indifferent, and if you can't be then fake it until you are. Send him just the letter and don't give him a window into your heart.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm asking this as gently as possible. What response are you hoping to get from him after he reads that email? 

What if he emails back, "I don't care" or "So?" or just completely ignores your heartfelt message by reacting only to what's in the settlement agreement? How will you feel then? Do you really want to give him the knife to stab you again?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> I'm asking this as gently as possible. What response are you hoping to get from him after he reads that email?
> 
> What if he emails back, "I don't care" or "So?" or just completely ignores your heartfelt message by reacting only to what's in the settlement agreement? How will you feel then? Do you really want to give him the knife to stab you again?



Desired response would be just a glimmer or hint of a soul that feels even the tiniest bit of remorse. 

Likely response will just be accusations by him that I'm attempting to pick a fight.

And I definitely do not wish to arm him with yet another dagger to stab, slice and dice what little is left intact of my heart. After all this time, these words really serve only one purpose and that's to get them out of my head.

I'm thankful that I get such support here. My family would likely say my word choice was too nice and then suggest using a multitude of colorful expletives.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Dear,
He is not entitled to your feelings.
Don't you know by now what he does with them?
It makes him feel powerful to be able to get you to think about him.
The writing is proof that you did.
Much more than the # of words.
I hope that was gentle.
<3


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Nicely put, and summarizes how I feel with my stbxw leaving me. Would I share it with her? No. I doubt it would change anything.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I know how much you want to have some acknowledgement from your stbxh about the pain he caused you and the life you were supposed to have shared together. I have tried so much in the past 5 weeks to get my stbxh's attention and to see a glimmer of the man I thought he was. Each time I open myself up further to him, what I get back is another way for him to hurt me. He uses my words, my feelings, my pain to hurt me deeper. I am only now finally seeing that. Today was the first day that I said no to him....that I didn't cry in the phone during a call...that I didn't beg or plead....and you know what? He just threw a bigger tantrum and hung up. 

If your feelings mattered to him he wouldn't of put you through desertion and all it entails. Journal....write out what you feel...but don't give it him as it will only be more ammunition to hurt you. 

Many hugs to you. One day at a time...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Many thanks to those that shared their thoughts and asked me what I hoped those words would accomplish, really made me think things through completely.

I did NOT send that email. For the most part, I have kept those kinds of words and feelings to myself (writing but keeping in my journal). The 180 has been effective for me, not to try to change him or the situation, but putting the focus on me, doing what I need to do in order to survive this. Seems that the more I distance myself from his reach, the worse he seems to take it. When I don't answer his calls or emails, he gets mad, defensive and accusatory,like insisting that I'm playing games. He couches his quasi-resentment in the "we have kids, now a granddaughter, we must be friends, forever. Why am I (?) making this so difficult?" 

All this topped by "if you want to do this the ugly way..."


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

that is my stbxh's go to phrase to stop the conversation "I'm going down monday to file Melissa....we'll let the courts decide" always monday and never happens. He just likes to bully. Time for me to call his bluff. I wish I were strong enough to do the 180....I have good intentions but haven't yet been able to follow through. The only defeat is giving up right? I'll keep working on it. I realized today I think I call so much because I keep silently hoping that one time that I do, I'll hear the husband I thought he was on the other end...just a glimmer...I miss him...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> You just shared this here, I read and acknowledged it, yes it is sad and hard. You have been heard and your words have so much meaning to those who understand.
> 
> By sharing this with the man who willingly and, for intents and purposes, deliberately tore up your heart, what do you expect to achieve? You may make him wince with a tiny shard of pain but you will not make him understand your pain or his mistake. The best way to explain consequences when the one we love cuts is from their heart is to be indifferent, and if you can't be then fake it until you are. Send him just the letter and don't give him a window into your heart.


:iagree:


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

melissa68 said:


> that is my stbxh's go to phrase to stop the conversation "I'm going down monday to file Melissa....we'll let the courts decide" always monday and never happens. He just likes to bully. Time for me to call his bluff. I wish I were strong enough to do the 180....I have good intentions but haven't yet been able to follow through. The only defeat is giving up right? I'll keep working on it. I realized today I think I call so much because I keep silently hoping that one time that I do, I'll hear the husband I thought he was on the other end...just a glimmer...I miss him...


Lieceratops has repeatedly told me that there's "no judge that would award me alimony". Think it's one of his means to bully, intimidate, even scare me. Not that I think I'll get a big fat amount, but consider the following: nearly 25 yrs married, my age, my physical state (still recovering from brain tumor removal surgery and I may be classified as disabled though that really bugs me), unemployed (near to impossible after being self employed for almost 10 yrs), the list goes on.

Yeah, the kids are 18 and over and we owned absolutely nothing, there are 0 assets to divide, only debts. According to his logic this should be cut and dried. I really despise the fact that Florida is a no-fault divorce state, especially when H abandoned me in favor of taking up residency with the Man-Poacher!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I totally understand where you're coming from...
I myself have numerous dialogues in my head about how best I can tell my stbxh how much he hurts me, hoping that I will see a tiny sliver of remorse like you do.
But everyone on this thread is right...Husbands like ours, they have hardened themselves to the point that they will kill themselves before admitting any fault, and because deep down, they know they are at fault, they will do everything to get rid of the guilt, and the best way for them to do that is to project the blame back to us.
and then you will hurt...again, and again, and again.
Save yourself further pain, and accept the fact that the man you loved and married is gone forever...


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Hard to accept that what isn't there cannot glimmer, no matter how badly I want to see it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Write the thoughts you have down, as often as you feel you want to.
Each time, burn them -- ceremoniously if you like -- instead of giving him the power they hold (as Homemaker said so well).


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