# husband's porn addiction and chronic verbal and emotional abuse



## SoTiredofItAll

We have been married over 25 years. My husband has always ben into porn a little. It didn't bother me all that much because it was once in a while. I have always tried to do everything for him sexually that he has wanted, even if I was uncomfortable with it. For the last 7 years, porn has been a continual problem. He got comfortable with the computer and when he got his laptop, he looks at online porn everyday and watches porn movies on satellite tv at the same time. I tried to do that with him (and hated it,) but I can't now because he degrades me in his language and general conversations. When I try to talk to him about anything, he always makes some rude, perverted comment. Anyway, I know that he is addicted to pornography. He is mad at me because I won't try to get other men to come over or even consider it. What?????? I also, won't use toys because of the way he talks to me during the sessions. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me all of the time. He says I deserve it because I don't try to please or satisfy him. When he is mean and rude, it is very hard to want to participate. He has forced me to look at porn in the past and 
he does threaten me, but doesn't usually follow through. He always wants me to tell him my "fantasies". And then verbally abuses me because "how could I want to do such things." So, of course, I refuse to do that now. Also, when I express a genuine interest (or disinterest) in something, he tells me that he knows me better than I know myself and that he knows that I like whatever the opposite it. (If this makes any sense). He tells me how I feel or think about something. He, of course, is wrong. The worst is that he is really into animal porn and that to me is the most disgusting! I really don't know what has gone on, except that he has gotten so twisted in his thinking because of this porn addiction. He will go to church and then spend Sunday afternoon and evening looking at porn. 

Any thoughts?


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## Pandakiss

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!

he is crazy, and he is controlling you, run away, get counceling for your self. animal porn is gross, i would draw the line at that, or anything else.

why do you want to be with someone who would laugh at you when you say something sensitive, and a secret between the two of you??

i had a friend like this once, he would say something like, "im going to the store, want something?" then would dissapear for days, andi would say wow that was some store trip..."what are you talking about?, i wasnt going to the store.." oh well let me have my 2 dollars back...of course, what money?, you are crazy!!

we were friends for a very short time, he was very mental and unstable, and was verbaly abusive to everyone, and trird to threaten me, crazy, he didnt do anything..but i didnt know that.

i cut contact with him his family, and his other friends. oh..he was a liar, he would tell us he didnt have a gf, he did, he lived with her, we didnt know, he never mentioned anything about a baby either..!!!

and we were just friends, i felt like i was going insane, did i really sy that, i guess not..did i do that?, maybe...

get away from, fast...this type of behivor only escalates to violence..

good luck


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## major misfit

Let me tell you what you DESERVE (I personally don't like that word..but let's go with it anyway). You deserve to have your HUSBAND treat you in a dignified, respectful way. You deserve to not be belittled, threatened, made to do something against your will, or to be made to feel as though you're the crazy one. You deserve a husband who doesn't want to share you with another man (is he NUTS?????). You sure as hell deserve a man who isn't going to abuse you emotionally and verbally. Kudos to you for recognizing it as such. 

If you want ANY peace or happiness in life...avail yourself of an attorney and divorce this man. And marry the kind of man you DESERVE. This man has way more going on than a porn addiction. That can be dealt with if he were to admit a problem, and seek a counselor who specializes in sexual addictions. He doesn't sound like he's going to trip into one of those offices any time soon. NEVER, if I were a betting person. He's abusing you, plain and simple. You need to get away from him. You didn't put the disclaimer in your post that "I love him"...so I'm thinking after 25 years of this you've had enough. 
I would get as far away from him as I could get. Let him have his porn. Let him abuse himself. There's something wrong with him that you're not going to fix. And neither is he. 
And animal sex? Are you kidding me? HUGE RED FLAG to me. No one in their right mind gets turned on with the whole bestiality thing. Guess he doesn't read the same bible I did. This man needs help way beyond what you can give. omg I feel so bad for you, stuck with this. 
What do YOU want to do?


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## SoTiredofItAll

Thank you, for your words of kindness and support. You know, the sad thing is that I decided that I would stay with him several years ago. This has made it very hard, especially since he will not take responsibility for his actions. Some of the ridiculous things that he does say, I just have to go to another room and laugh because he isn't fooling me anymore. I do think that is where the problem lies because I don't let him push my buttons anymore. He does know that I will go to the authorities, church and his family (I do know that they won't support him in this kind of stuff) if he physically hurts me. I can't believe that there are so many people out there that have the same kind of problems, too. 

I will be so glad when he sees the errors of his ways. I know that it will probably never happen, which is very heartbreaking.


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## Struggling678

Sounds pretty much like my situation. I am glad I have a job. The people I work with have no idea what is going on, but they treat me with respect and care. My husband is so selfish that he has had a brand new pickup for 6 months and has made no effort to take me for a ride or drive it. He will not help me around the house even when I had surgery. Of course, it was his fault that I had to have surgery and made no effort to help. 
The house didn't get vacuumed for 2 months and I had to keep up with the meals. It was a shoulder surgery. I have been married too long to change it. But, he has not got me down yet. He just thinks I give him all of my money. I do have a secret stash.

Hang in there honey and when you get more Tired, take him for everything you can.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

When porn gets it hooks in you it can take you for a ride that consumes your every thought and makes your spouse's life hell! 

Been there, doing that. Animal porn though - even my hubby is not interested in that (thank goodness). I have enough problems with the porn he is interested in.

One thing though, my husband has never asked me or forced me to participate in anything I'm against (there's not much I won't do anyway). That would be the last straw for me. Everyone has their limits and that would be mine.

My husband also uses a lot of sexual type language in just about any situation with me and I've never been able to figure that out. We'll be watching TV and he'll randomly say "I'd do her." To which I'm thinking - yeah right - you can't even do me and keep it up - how could you do her? But of course I never say this out loud, but sometimes it does put a secret grin on my face.

Nobody can make you stay if that's not what you want to do. It doesn't matter what you've said in the past and what you have or have not promised. If you don't want to live like this, then leave. If not, then keep dealing with it the way you have.

Boy, sometimes coming out here is depressing - I never realized how many marriages were totally screwed up until I got on TAM. While it puts my issues into perspective at times (a lot of people have it worse than me), it can be depressing. 

Where's the marriage site where EVERYONE has a great relationship? I haven't found that one yet...


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## remmons

I can only speak for myself, and not for anyone else (unless they share the same view as me).

Porn is NOT healthy. Period. I was addicted to it. It hurt my relationship with my wife. She is seeking a divorce because of what it did to me and tro us, the lost, meaningful connection to my wife. I did not let it go as far as your other half did, nor did I allow myself to degrade my wife by talking dirty to her. But what I did do (internet porn) was enough for her to lose trust in me. She has already had one divorce because her ex was addicted to porn, but he was much deeper into it. I did not know this until it was too late.

Porn is healthy to the "right" couple. It was not meant for me or my wife.


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## EffedUpGuy

Please help me... someone.

I've never talked about this to anyone... and didn't even realize how much of a problem I have till now. 

I don't know what to do, i'm scaring the **** out of myself! I have a serious serious problem.

I use to be addicted to internet porn. But now i hardly ever look at it. Sound good right? Well the reason I don't really care for porn anymore is i've been addicted to "casual encounters" and i'm not talking about just CL but everywhere... with men, woman, and transexuals. 

I've been married now for 5 years, and been with her for 14 years! Now I want to say something with the most honest truth... I love her. I love her very very much. We just had a baby together and I love him so much. I love both of them more than anything. I would do anything for them. But for some reason i keep finding myself in these situations. On CL or on some other personals site. It's affected my job, my relationship with my wife and friends (Because i spend all day at work online setting things up with someone) or i tell her i have to work late and go out to meet these people. 

I don't know why i do this. i'm actually shaking while typing this.

After evey "encounter" i feel terrible... like i just killed someone. This happens everytime. Then as i'm going home i'm crying in the car.. saying prayers to god asking for forgiveness.. and promising myself i'll NEVER do something like that again. It takes about 2 days where i find myself in the same situation.... and it's almost like someone is taking over my body and putting thoughts in my mind.... You know what the weird thing is too.... I'm NOT gay. Not at all.... when i see guys out in public kissing or holding hands.... i get kinda grossed out.... then why do I enjoy having casual sex with men? or trans? I don't know. I feel completely discusted Immediately afterwards.... but don't know why... why don't i feel that way before hand. 

To top everything else off... when i'm not hooking up with dudes, i'm hooking up with female pros! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! I feel absolutely terrible.. on sooo many levels... like for one cheating on my wife.. two... spending our money that we need for the baby and living... and three... breaking the law! what would happen if i got caught?!?!

The bottom line is.. i have a problem, and i don't know how to fix this, because evertime i tell myself i'll never do it again... i do it again and again... I really do hate myself. I have a really good job.. its the career of my dreams. I have a really strong family, i'm very close with my parents and my wives parents. I love my wife so much, she's beautiful and she makes me feel good... he hardly ever fight, she enjoys making love to me so it's not like i can't get it from her... i just can't figure out what is making me do these things. But if don't do something soon... i'm going to really get hurt but getting some kind of F'ed up disease or breaking my wife's heart. And i don't want either of those to happen. I've thought about telling her all this. and i'm come close a few times. But then I feel like I would be selfish for doing that. She doesn't deserve that type of pain and niether does my baby. They are happy, and I don't want to hurt them... but I'm hurtting them by doing this! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I don't know what to do.... Please someone give me some advise... I'm not looking for sypathy... so to all the women reading this who have husbands... You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.

please help me.


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## remmons

EffedUpGuy said:


> Please help me... someone.
> 
> I've never talked about this to anyone... and didn't even realize how much of a problem I have till now.
> 
> I don't know what to do, i'm scaring the **** out of myself! I have a serious serious problem.
> 
> I use to be addicted to internet porn. But now i hardly ever look at it. Sound good right? Well the reason I don't really care for porn anymore is i've been addicted to "casual encounters" and i'm not talking about just CL but everywhere... with men, woman, and transexuals.
> 
> I've been married now for 5 years, and been with her for 14 years! Now I want to say something with the most honest truth... I love her. I love her very very much. We just had a baby together and I love him so much. I love both of them more than anything. I would do anything for them. But for some reason i keep finding myself in these situations. On CL or on some other personals site. It's affected my job, my relationship with my wife and friends (Because i spend all day at work online setting things up with someone) or i tell her i have to work late and go out to meet these people.
> 
> I don't know why i do this. i'm actually shaking while typing this.
> 
> After evey "encounter" i feel terrible... like i just killed someone. This happens everytime. Then as i'm going home i'm crying in the car.. saying prayers to god asking for forgiveness.. and promising myself i'll NEVER do something like that again. It takes about 2 days where i find myself in the same situation.... and it's almost like someone is taking over my body and putting thoughts in my mind.... You know what the weird thing is too.... I'm NOT gay. Not at all.... when i see guys out in public kissing or holding hands.... i get kinda grossed out.... then why do I enjoy having casual sex with men? or trans? I don't know. I feel completely discusted Immediately afterwards.... but don't know why... why don't i feel that way before hand.
> 
> To top everything else off... when i'm not hooking up with dudes, i'm hooking up with female pros! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! I feel absolutely terrible.. on sooo many levels... like for one cheating on my wife.. two... spending our money that we need for the baby and living... and three... breaking the law! what would happen if i got caught?!?!
> 
> The bottom line is.. i have a problem, and i don't know how to fix this, because evertime i tell myself i'll never do it again... i do it again and again... I really do hate myself. I have a really good job.. its the career of my dreams. I have a really strong family, i'm very close with my parents and my wives parents. I love my wife so much, she's beautiful and she makes me feel good... he hardly ever fight, she enjoys making love to me so it's not like i can't get it from her... i just can't figure out what is making me do these things. But if don't do something soon... i'm going to really get hurt but getting some kind of F'ed up disease or breaking my wife's heart. And i don't want either of those to happen. I've thought about telling her all this. and i'm come close a few times. But then I feel like I would be selfish for doing that. She doesn't deserve that type of pain and niether does my baby. They are happy, and I don't want to hurt them... but I'm hurtting them by doing this! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I don't know what to do.... Please someone give me some advise... I'm not looking for sypathy... so to all the women reading this who have husbands... You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.
> 
> please help me.


I am only in the beginning stages of recovery (8 weeks) but I can share with you my progresses thus far. Although my addictions weren't as deep as yours, we can still relate to each other. Like the saying goes, "it takes one to know one", and I am in the same boat as you are. I have a very supportive family (in-laws) who are sad to see my wife and I having problems.

I have discovered that I alone cannot fight off the urges, or the temptations. Having a sponsor, good friend, relative, or even your wife who understands you, is a big help. When you start to feel down or tempted, you can call on your sponsor etc. and tell them that you feel like that you are sinking back into this black hole, and they will "rescue" you from this feeling and get your head back above water again. My father-in-law, brother-in-law, home teacher, and my Bishop all are very supportive for me and they help me out, especially in my most vulnerable times.

I have a copy of the Addiction Recovery Program book, which is offered through the LDS Church. It will lay out a plan towards recovery. I highly recommend that you look for this book. (It is free through the Church).

Congratulations on recognizing that you have an addiction! Recognizing that you have a problem is a big step. Honesty is the very first step towards recovery. This sounds like that it is the hardest thing to do, but actually going to the first class is the hardest part. This was my hardest thing that I have ever done! Admitting to the room of people (with the same or similar addictions) is the second hardest. After I laid out my story, I felt a HUGE weight lift off of my shoulders! Hearing the other stories is also a huge help. I never realized how many eople go through the same thing! They are all very supportive in your recovery, as that you are very supportive in their recovery. You will feed off of their strengths, and learn to fight off your weaknesses. I have came so far already, but I am not able to "stand on my own two feet" as of yet.

Like I said, I am no expert, just someone who is going through a similar situation.

I wish you the best of luck!


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## EffedUpGuy

Thank you so much for your reply.

That actually meant a lot. I do need someone like a sponsor to help me through this dark time in my life.

When I read you reply... I don't know why but... I actually started to cry a little. I know I sound like a total p***y. I don't know know why... but I felt a small snippet of hope. This has been something I've dealed with for a few years now... but it's only gotten really bad recently. Like i was saying. I have no control over my actions... each time I engage in one of these encounters. I have this feeling like... i just did something terrible... like there's no turning back... like my life will never be the same again... like what have i done? what have i done? WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?

I just can't understand why I keep doing it... 

You sound like you are very luck to talk to your wife about your problem. I wish SO bad I could. I want to tell her. I want to tell her everything! I want to show her my emails, and the disgusting things I've done and said, and I want to show her my profiles I've created on these personals sites. But I know her very well. VERY well. I know her more than she knows herself. Trust me. She wouldn't understand. This is her only flaw. I can't tell you how much I love her. She's amazingly hot, she's got a good career, she's not lazy, she takes care of me, she cooks me dinner, she washes my clothes, she picks up after me she pleasures me sexually. And she never complains about any of it. She'll even take time out of her schedule to come stop by my work, to bring me lunch or just to say "Hi baby" with a smiley face, all my friends like her, she's closer to my parents than i am!!! Her and my sister are best friends...she makes me feel good about my self. I want to tell her so bad. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I don't deserve someone like her. I just want to stop all this. And just be happy and not have to worry or think about this again. 

But every time I try to... i find my self in a sexual situation with some chick/guy/trans... while this is happening... i feel strange... like i feel sedated... but i'm not... I don't do drugs... I don't really drink... it's this "sickness" I have.. this "demon' this "DARK PASSENGER" I can't shake it off... I need help... 

Thank you again for you're advise. I need to try to find a group of such that is for people like me... I don't even know that there is people like me out there.... But if there is... then I need to join them.. because I've proven to myself I can't stop this on my own. I can't... I wish I could, I wish I knew how... I've even thought about physically hurting myself so I'm unable to drive so my wife has to take me to and from work... than I'll have no way of doing this... I've even tried carpooling to work... and it seems like every obstacle I put in front of myself, I find a way around it. 

Please provide me with anything to get me started. I need to do something now... like NOW... because I don't know how much more time I have before the darkness takes over me.

Thank You.


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## remmons

EffedUpGuy, I'll PM you.


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## ruth4alan

EffedUpGuy said:


> Please help me... someone.
> 
> I've never talked about this to anyone... and didn't even realize how much of a problem I have till now.
> 
> I don't know what to do, i'm scaring the **** out of myself! I have a serious serious problem.
> 
> I use to be addicted to internet porn. But now i hardly ever look at it. Sound good right? Well the reason I don't really care for porn anymore is i've been addicted to "casual encounters" and i'm not talking about just CL but everywhere... with men, woman, and transexuals.
> 
> I've been married now for 5 years, and been with her for 14 years! Now I want to say something with the most honest truth... I love her. I love her very very much. We just had a baby together and I love him so much. I love both of them more than anything. I would do anything for them. But for some reason i keep finding myself in these situations. On CL or on some other personals site. It's affected my job, my relationship with my wife and friends (Because i spend all day at work online setting things up with someone) or i tell her i have to work late and go out to meet these people.
> 
> I don't know why i do this. i'm actually shaking while typing this.
> 
> After evey "encounter" i feel terrible... like i just killed someone. This happens everytime. Then as i'm going home i'm crying in the car.. saying prayers to god asking for forgiveness.. and promising myself i'll NEVER do something like that again. It takes about 2 days where i find myself in the same situation.... and it's almost like someone is taking over my body and putting thoughts in my mind.... You know what the weird thing is too.... I'm NOT gay. Not at all.... when i see guys out in public kissing or holding hands.... i get kinda grossed out.... then why do I enjoy having casual sex with men? or trans? I don't know. I feel completely discusted Immediately afterwards.... but don't know why... why don't i feel that way before hand.
> 
> To top everything else off... when i'm not hooking up with dudes, i'm hooking up with female pros! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! I feel absolutely terrible.. on sooo many levels... like for one cheating on my wife.. two... spending our money that we need for the baby and living... and three... breaking the law! what would happen if i got caught?!?!
> 
> The bottom line is.. i have a problem, and i don't know how to fix this, because evertime i tell myself i'll never do it again... i do it again and again... I really do hate myself. I have a really good job.. its the career of my dreams. I have a really strong family, i'm very close with my parents and my wives parents. I love my wife so much, she's beautiful and she makes me feel good... he hardly ever fight, she enjoys making love to me so it's not like i can't get it from her... i just can't figure out what is making me do these things. But if don't do something soon... i'm going to really get hurt but getting some kind of F'ed up disease or breaking my wife's heart. And i don't want either of those to happen. I've thought about telling her all this. and i'm come close a few times. But then I feel like I would be selfish for doing that. She doesn't deserve that type of pain and niether does my baby. They are happy, and I don't want to hurt them... but I'm hurtting them by doing this! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I don't know what to do.... Please someone give me some advise... I'm not looking for sypathy... so to all the women reading this who have husbands... You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.
> 
> please help me.


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## ruth4alan

remmons said:


> EffedUpGuy, I'll PM you.


Mine is also. Its the worst spiritual warfare I have ever fought..


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## ruth4alan

SoTiredofItAll said:


> Thank you, for your words of kindness and support. You know, the sad thing is that I decided that I would stay with him several years ago. This has made it very hard, especially since he will not take responsibility for his actions. Some of the ridiculous things that he does say, I just have to go to another room and laugh because he isn't fooling me anymore. I do think that is where the problem lies because I don't let him push my buttons anymore. He does know that I will go to the authorities, church and his family (I do know that they won't support him in this kind of stuff) if he physically hurts me. I can't believe that there are so many people out there that have the same kind of problems, too.
> 
> I will be so glad when he sees the errors of his ways. I know that it will probably never happen, which is very heartbreaking.


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## remmons

ruth4alan said:


> Mine is also. Its the worst spiritual warfare I have ever fought..


I was going to post something earlier, but it ended up being a book, so I decided to not post it. Instead, I will post this.

While I was not a cronic addict or abuser, I still had my addictions and my issues. I have yelled at my ex-W a few times (I can honestly count them all on one hand), but these few times were a few too many. She did not deserve them, even if she had her issues. I had no right to do or say the things that I had done.

I feel for the victims. I also feel for those who have the problem(s). It is a terrible cycle to break free from, but it _CAN_ be done. I am living proof of it. Although my addictions were not severe, I still had an addiction. I still had character weaknesses and character defects. I still had issues. With many thanks for the ARP 12-Step program, counseling, and my church, I was able to break free from this cycle and become the better person that I am today.

I can go on forever on this topic, but I will leave off with this, there _IS_ hope. There _IS_ light at the end of the tunnel. If the addict can recognize that he/she has a problem, that is half the battle. Once they can recognize and _see_ their problem, they can seek out help to overcome this terrible disease. I wish the best of luck to all who have been affected by these things.


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## desert-rose

I'm in a situation with some cross-over to your experience. 

My husband is obsessed with porn, secretly has cybersex online, and has been carrying on an online affair for the whole of our married life (one year and a few weeks). I found this out recently and was pretty devastated. He claims he hasn't cheated on my physically, but I don't know if I believe him and it doesn't look like he's going to give up his secret addiction anytime soon, just be more secretive about it. He can be emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive to me (but not physical) and doesn't even recognize that he is doing so. He's controlling in that he wants to preserve his extramarital sexuality despite the damage it's doing to our marriage. We never have sex anymore. 

It's extremely hurtful to me to be going through this because he used to be my best friend, the love of my life, and we had an amazing sex life. Our relationship used to be my sanctuary, but now...This was before marriage, though, and it seems like everything changed once we got married and moved in together and had to manage real life stress. I haven't given up because I think this is fixable and am giving him a chance to work with me on it. But to be honest, I'm sad and hurting every day because it just plain sucks. The disrespect began when I gained weight, but it hasn't improved since I've been losing weight because now we are stuck in this cycle. He acts up more when there's a lot of stress or he feels like he doesn't have control in his life.

I am starting to recognize patterns in our behavior and how to diffuse the situations so that we can both heal. I'm not sure what will happen, but, I'm giving things a chance to improve because the good times were not too long ago and I want them back. I still love him, even though right now I am so angry with him and feel so betrayed. The craziest thing about it is that we have such a cognitive dissonance going on; he simply does not see that he is treating me disrespectfully and badly. 

I've started going to counseling (which helps me stand up for myself, at least, and teach him that it's not okay to treat me this way) and he's agreed yo go to counseling with me to work on our problems. Plus, we're actually talking about our issues openly now. So, my discovery of his behavior highlighted where our marriage needs work. 

Mainly, I just wanted to sympathize with you and share my experience so that you don't feel alone.

If you do not plan to leave him or get a separation or take some time apart (I recommend this option so that you can get your sense of self back), then at least get some counseling for yourself (or for you both as a couple). If you go by yourself, you can find ways to regain your sense of control, power, and balance, I think. I discovered that I have serious self-esteem, boundary, and codependency issues and that my instinctive behavior patterns need to be reconsidered. *Please, do go to counseling, even if you do nothing else*, because it will help you to feel less trapped, alone, and miserable. *You do deserve better than this treatment *(as do all of us in vaguely abusive or unhealthy relationships) and you must understand why it is that you are choosing this for yourself, so that you can make sense of your life.

Good luck to you.


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## remmons

desert-rose said:


> I'm in a situation with some cross-over to your experience.
> 
> My husband is obsessed with porn, secretly has cybersex online, and has been carrying on an online affair for the whole of our married life (one year and a few weeks). I found this out recently and was pretty devastated. He claims he hasn't cheated on my physically, but I don't know if I believe him and it doesn't look like he's going to give up his secret addiction anytime soon, just be more secretive about it. He can be emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive to me (but not physical) and doesn't even recognize that he is doing so. He's controlling in that he wants to preserve his extramarital sexuality despite the damage it's doing to our marriage. We never have sex anymore.
> 
> It's extremely hurtful to me to be going through this because he used to be my best friend, the love of my life, and we had an amazing sex life. Our relationship used to be my sanctuary, but now...This was before marriage, though, and it seems like everything changed once we got married and moved in together and had to manage real life stress. I haven't given up because I think this is fixable and am giving him a chance to work with me on it. But to be honest, I'm sad and hurting every day because it just plain sucks. The disrespect began when I gained weight, but it hasn't improved since I've been losing weight because now we are stuck in this cycle. He acts up more when there's a lot of stress or he feels like he doesn't have control in his life.
> 
> I am starting to recognize patterns in our behavior and how to diffuse the situations so that we can both heal. I'm not sure what will happen, but, I'm giving things a chance to improve because the good times were not too long ago and I want them back. I still love him, even though right now I am so angry with him and feel so betrayed. The craziest thing about it is that we have such a cognitive dissonance going on; he simply does not see that he is treating me disrespectfully and badly.
> 
> I've started going to counseling (which helps me stand up for myself, at least, and teach him that it's not okay to treat me this way) and he's agreed yo go to counseling with me to work on our problems. Plus, we're actually talking about our issues openly now. So, my discovery of his behavior highlighted where our marriage needs work.
> 
> Mainly, I just wanted to sympathize with you and share my experience so that you don't feel alone.
> 
> If you do not plan to leave him or get a separation or take some time apart (I recommend this option so that you can get your sense of self back), then at least get some counseling for yourself (or for you both as a couple). If you go by yourself, you can find ways to regain your sense of control, power, and balance, I think. I discovered that I have serious self-esteem, boundary, and codependency issues and that my instinctive behavior patterns need to be reconsidered. *Please, do go to counseling, even if you do nothing else*, because it will help you to feel less trapped, alone, and miserable. *You do deserve better than this treatment *(as do all of us in vaguely abusive or unhealthy relationships) and you must understand why it is that you are choosing this for yourself, so that you can make sense of your life.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Sometimes getting another person's perspective is a real eye-opener. I was not as deep as you have described your H, but Iwas still self-absorbed with an addiction. It took my Bishop and a good friend to help me to "see" what I have been doing to my ex-W. I feel sad, guilty, shameful, and really bad for what I have put her through.

Seeing these messages from others who have or are going through this situation, have helped me to see the harm that it has caused in my life. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would do everything that I could to never allow this to happen. But since it HAS happened, all I can do is to learn from my mistakes, accept my losses, and move on. Who knows? Maybe in time, I can win back the love of my life. If not, then I will continue to move on.

Like I stated earlier, I feel bad for bOTH parties, because I can see both sides of the fence now, as to before I was in the fog off denial.


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## SisterinChrist

SoTiredofItAll said:


> We have been married over 25 years. My husband has always ben into porn a little. It didn't bother me all that much because it was once in a while. I have always tried to do everything for him sexually that he has wanted, even if I was uncomfortable with it. For the last 7 years, porn has been a continual problem. He got comfortable with the computer and when he got his laptop, he looks at online porn everyday and watches porn movies on satellite tv at the same time. I tried to do that with him (and hated it,) but I can't now because he degrades me in his language and general conversations. When I try to talk to him about anything, he always makes some rude, perverted comment. Anyway, I know that he is addicted to pornography. He is mad at me because I won't try to get other men to come over or even consider it. What?????? I also, won't use toys because of the way he talks to me during the sessions. He is verbally and emotionally abusive to me all of the time. He says I deserve it because I don't try to please or satisfy him. When he is mean and rude, it is very hard to want to participate. He has forced me to look at porn in the past and
> he does threaten me, but doesn't usually follow through. He always wants me to tell him my "fantasies". And then verbally abuses me because "how could I want to do such things." So, of course, I refuse to do that now. Also, when I express a genuine interest (or disinterest) in something, he tells me that he knows me better than I know myself and that he knows that I like whatever the opposite it. (If this makes any sense). He tells me how I feel or think about something. He, of course, is wrong. The worst is that he is really into animal porn and that to me is the most disgusting! I really don't know what has gone on, except that he has gotten so twisted in his thinking because of this porn addiction. He will go to church and then spend Sunday afternoon and evening looking at porn.
> 
> Any thoughts?


The most important thing to understand is that how he it treating you-is wrong. NO ONE deserves treatment like that. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT for his actions and why he treats you like that. He has a sickness that only he can pull himself out of. You need to be strong and take a stand even if it means moving out of the house on your own. It is YOUR responsibility to take yourself to a safe place. Just because he hasn't physically hurt you (which it sounds like he may have during intimate moments anyways), doesn't mean you are emotionally safe. I hope you understand what I am saying. You can't change him- He has to change himself. Take a stand and remove yourself from the situation. You will not regret taking a stand for yourself (and if children are involved, you need to do what's best for them). I wish you the best of luck and courage to do the right thing.


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## remmons

> QUOTE=SisterinChrist;413466





> NO ONE deserves treatment like that.


I totally agree. No one does deserve this kind of treatment, for any reason.



> He has a sickness that only he can pull himself out of


He does have a sickness, but he can not pull himself out of it by himself. He needs help from someone who understands the sickness, whether it be from a family member, close friend, Bishop or Pastor, the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, therapy/counseling, addiction hotline, etc. An addict absolutely can not pull theirself out of an addiction by him/herself. There is a higher success rate if he has help.



> You need to be strong and take a stand even if it means moving out of the house on your own.


While this stands true, moving away from him may actually hinder his progress (if he has any). In fact, this may even further damage him. He needs the support of a loved one to help him through his problem. There are exceptions to this. If he is physically and mentally hurting you, then you DO need to remove yourself from the situation.

My ex-W filed for divorce because of my little use of porn. When I was out on my own, I became more dependant on porn to help "relieve" any pain that I had. It was through the help of friends, Church, and the ARP Program that I was finally able to overcome my addiction to porn.



> I wish you the best of luck and courage to do the right thing.


X2.


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