# I am struggling with the separation and don't know how to deal with it



## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

Its almost a month that we have been separated. I have issues I understand that, and I know my emotions are so overpowering. I just want to call him and if he doesn't call I get upset. He says we are married, but doesn't talk to me. I left because he told me he wanted a divorce and told me why I was still there. I packed and left. Yes I know I was immature. On some days I want a divorce on another day I want to be married. Why is this so trying. Then he calls and tells me that I can go back, but I have to figure it out. Why is it hard for me to stop communication with him. I feel so stupid. Like what is wrong with me.:scratchhead: How do you cope with separation. How do you stop all communication. How do you stop checking his facebook? Why does it hurt?


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Why did he want a divorce? You said you jump back and forth between wanting him and not. Is that fear, or you really don't know? Stopping communication is simply willpower. Easier said then done, but practice makes perfect.


----------



## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

daisy90 said:


> Its almost a month that we have been separated. I have issues I understand that, and I know my emotions are so overpowering. I just want to call him and if he doesn't call I get upset. He says we are married, but doesn't talk to me. I left because he told me he wanted a divorce and told me why I was still there. I packed and left. Yes I know I was immature. On some days I want a divorce on another day I want to be married. Why is this so trying. Then he calls and tells me that I can go back, but I have to figure it out. Why is it hard for me to stop communication with him. I feel so stupid. Like what is wrong with me.:scratchhead: How do you cope with separation. How do you stop all communication. How do you stop checking his facebook? Why does it hurt?


What are you doing to improve yourself as a person so that the same problems don't reoccur (whether with this man or not)?


----------



## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

The first step that I took when I left was just to try and get to know myself better. Yes I have a temper and I can admit it. To avoid me spending time think about possibility of a divorce I got a job. I would like to go back to school. I am just overwhelmed. I love my husband but I feel he makes mistakes. I wanted to communicate and he would shut down. I lost it with my temper. I started throwing stuff upset. He got said he doesn't like my attitude. I told him that I wanted to go to counseling. I felt like a roomate to my husband not a wife. The only reason I miss him is because when he talks to me he can actually be nice. He talks me through stuff. This is a quality I like in him. The childish games he plays drinking with his friends and talking to girls it what upsets me.


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Ever hear of the phrase "walking on eggshells"?

Maybe you husband shuts down because he's afraid of you exploding.

Just because you admit you have anger issues does not make it all go away.

We teach people how to treat us through our actions.

Talk less. Do more.

Work on you. Get a hold of your emotions. For yourself.

It's the only path forward.

He needs to want you back. That's the way it works.

It sucks. But you came here to hear the truth, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

Well he made it hard for me to trust him. He made it difficult. I told him that I needed counseling after he had an affair. Yes, when I try to talk to him why I don't feel comfortable letting him go to the bar and when I try to explain. I was offering counseling to help us both and yet he refuses. I would get upset and punch my pillow. I was angry.


----------



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

daisy90 said:


> Well he made it hard for me to trust him. He made it difficult. I told him that I needed counseling after he had an affair. Yes, when I try to talk to him why I don't feel comfortable letting him go to the bar and when I try to explain. I was offering counseling to help us both and yet he refuses. I would get upset and punch my pillow. I was angry.


daisy

I am sorry that you have all these going on even after, as you say, your husband had an affair. It is TOTALLY OK in my view to be upset, fearful and heck even angry. There are many folks on here for whom an affair is an absolute deal breaker. So, I commend you for trying to work through that and save your marriage.

You don't need to justify yourself for being angry. It is OK to be.

What does concern me from your post however is that you are not taking responsibility for your actions. He made me ..... is a poor place to start I'd say. It is very difficult to heal when there are justifications for even the wrongs we admit to. 

Re: practical coping steps - none that's easy I'm afraid. Even worse if you actually care an ounce for your husband. Human feelings aren't like a light switch that can be so easily turned on and off - psychopaths do that not 'normal' folks like you.

I'd say -

Go to the gym regularly.
Be sociable
Avoid his facebook 
Expect the worst and hope for the best (+ learn to be happy with life)
Recognise that the world is MUCH bigger than your problems. Living, eating and breathing our situation every second swamps us. Try not to allow your problems or your husband to swamp you.

Again, it's sad that you're going through this. Whatever happens, you will ultimately decide how your life will turn out.


----------



## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

as for not being able to stop all contacts with him is because he is the only thing on your mind right now. Been there, done that. I know exactly how it feels. Promise yourself that you will not contact him till ( a specific date) . Go and visit people you love and who love you. Go for counseling and work through your feelings. More importantly picture how you come across when you contact him, just an immature woman !

If you contact him once it is easy to contact him again and over again.

Another thing you can do is to not resist the urge to contact him! Yes, go and talk/text him as much as you want and you will eventually stop. I have to warn you ,though, that you only come across as a woman with no self worth or self respect. You will hate yourself afterwards.

For me , not contacting a person is like pushing a rock uphill. It is really hard at the beginning but when you are on top you have a better view of the situation and no more rocks to push !


----------



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Daisy - What was it that prompted you to ask for the separation to begin with? Have you addressed that with him and laid out what you expect from _BOTH_ of you?

Ultimately a marraige/relationship is a partnership with two *equal* members. It needs to be a solid base from which you build. If you treat each other with respect you can work through most issues if you choose to do so. If your anger issues get in the way or you/he feel its counterproductive (it probably is), then figure out a way to address without provocation. If you are trying to forgive him for cheating, have you both agreed on what he is working on to rebuild your trust.

Step back, take a breath and figure out what you want. Then I would suggest have a calm 2 way conversation with him and ask what he wants in the marriage from you. Then build on it


----------



## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

What prompted the situation was that I got upset because he wasn't talking to me. He was being rude. Just telling me to do stuff and throwing stuff at me. I honestly was irritated because we weren't sleeping in the same room for a week. Then, his truck broke down and I got annoyed that he waited until dark to almost start fixing it. He got my car ran the battery dead and broke the window. I literally freaked out. He told me he wanted a divorce. I waited two days. This whole time he continued to drink and just tell me what I was doing there. I couldn't stand it anymore I just packed and left. Every time would be "What are you doing here?" "Why haven't you left?" "I told you I want a divorce!" While I was packing he went with the girl next door neighbor. I think I got to a point where I was so annoyed with the situation that I just couldn't do it anymore.


----------

