# It's final, Divorce here we go !!!



## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi all, W and I have been separated 2 months, she moved into
her parents with my 3 year old son. My MIL and FIL are both 
very toxic people and have influenced our 11 year relationship
to such an extent that while talking to my W on the phone, MIL
would take the phone and tell me I cant have my Son for the
evening and I must stop manipulating her daughter (she is 30
years old btw) Her Mother influences every decision in her life
and her Mom has had an EA before for 2 years. I am a changed
man for the better and adore my Son with all my heart. 

My W contacted me now saying we have grown apart obviously
while crying and we should proceed with a divorce. I was very
calm and emotionless as I dealt with the worse case scenario. I
agreed with her request and she asked if it was the best way
forward and that she felt she is doing the best for my Son, which
quite clearly is not the case, she is very emotional right now and
unfortunetly has a very influential, toxic family which wants her
to suffer at my expense. Not going to happen cause I couldn't
care less for her family. I do care for her and have suggested she
attend IC and MC with me, she agreed to MC but is so confused
and overwhelmed right now she feels that it's over. I have tried
everything, 180 NC for 2 months, emotional support, MC, i am in
IC at the moment, I feel I have given her the space and she still
cannot commit to even her own feelings. 

I do care for her very much but i've unfortunetly lost all hope of
trying and trying with no success, I have figured that my greatest
success has been within me, finding peace and becomming a much
better person from it all. I will gladly proceed with divorce as she
requested as I know it will at least have been her choice, I have
tried and tried, now it's all for myself and my Son.

I feel relieved in a way but still I feel for my W because she is
unable to make decisions for herself whithou her Mother and
Family getting involved, very sad but W will have to realise this
for herself, I can't help her anymore.

It's very sad that her Family is putting their selfish and toxic ways
before the life of a three year old little boy, but hey some adults
are so childish it amazes me.

While my married life is over, so is my separation and limbo, it
really has cleared my mind and I now have the ability to move
forward. Any thoughts on this situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm in the same place. Sucks, really. My H has another woman, who he has denied being an issue for months. But now all of a sudden he says he's been "talking to her" for 4 weeks. We only separated 7 weeks ago. And the first 3 1/2 weeks he was saying he wanted to reconcile. I call BS. This weekend she is in town, and although he denied it, he is spending the week with her. Won't even be seeing his kids on Easter and is ditching them on Thursday. But he claims the kids always come first. 

All you can do is focus on you. Maybe do a 180 (just search in this section) and see if it makes a difference. Worry about you and your kid. Prepare for worst case, and then if anything it is a surprise. You can't influence or control where she is at, only yourself. And most likely, you are better off without her and her family. Fight for as much custody as you can with your son. 

I wish you luck. Limbo sucks. Look at it that way.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks Lonely, I know it's tough, I have been doing the 180 but
every weekend I see my Son so there is always communication
on the day. I don't want to know of her life and/or even see her 
face, I am so detached from her it's scarrying me.

She has messed me around many times in our earlier relationship,
she always blamed my drinking, I stopped for seven years and she
partied on even more so while living together. I've stopped again
now for 5 weeks and I feel no need to drink. 

I do feel better and have forgiven myself for my wrong doings, I
have always been loyal, never go out with friends, always paid
all the bills and provided her with the best of everything. I drank
at home from time to time and would mention or bring up her
previous repeated obe night stands which angered her. Her family
knows of one incident I told them about but are anaware of many
others. She doesn't even know I know about the others. God speed
and b strong, i feel your pain!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

You're doing so well, Sas! I wish I could say the same for myself. I continue to screw up the 180. I feel that he's sabotaging me in that he continues to have anger or dismissive attitudes towards me and then, when I react to it, he says I am misunderstanding him and to quit over-reacting!

I told him I believe he's doing it on purpose to justify leaving me. Of course he denies it but, in my heart AND in my head, I really think that's what's going on.

I'm so torn and so Broken...and I'm sooo tired of waking up from the nightmare still in it, yanno? 

<sigh> However, reading that other people are overcoming things and doing better gives me hope that I'll recover too!


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Bluepink, thanks for your kind words. I want you to know that all
ends up better, especially if you work on it and handle the
overwhelming emotions. Heck, I know it's tough but you will prevail
and learn a great deal about yourself.

Stick to 180, do you have kids? 180 for yourself goes a complete
360 in the end. It's not the end, it's just the beginning of your quest
in understanding yourself, everyone heals with time and who knows
what wonderful life you will have in future with someone who will
love you in return. I really feel for you like so many others and
remember we are here to help. Stay strong, commit to 180 and
I assure you things will feel better.

I sent my W details of the divorce attorney, asked her to confirm
for the appointment, still haven't heard anything but hey I have let
her go and wish her all the happiness for the future, sye will always
have a special place in my head, but not in my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

You really are on the right path by detaching from the situation. Good for you for going to IC and especially for forgiving yourself for your mistakes. That is critical for growing. I think you'll be just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks DG, no more limbo, yay  I will continue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

Hello SAS, 

I am new to the site and I don't know the whole story but I would like to commend you for exploring all avenues to reconcile. You took responsibility for your actions. If anything, I can respect anyone who can admit when they are wrong. It is unfortunate but if you are at peace with the decision to divorce, I guess it is meant to be.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hello LH&C, welcome to TAM. Thank you for your support, it is
unfortunate especially for my dearest Son who has been mixed
into all this turmoil, amidst everything i will commit the rest of my
days in ensuring he is brought up like a normal child. 

I just hope my W realises sooner than later that her staying with
her parents is toxic as her dad is a full blown alcoholic and all
are smokers which smoke in the house and have little regard for
the words that come outta their foul mouths. I hope she finds a 
good partner/husband in future for my Son's sake. I will always
be his dad and I will always be there for him but at the same time
want him to have a normal family life with Mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi all, here is an update! Any suggestions welcome.

I gave W benefit of the doubt today and one more recommended
she attend at least IC for her own sanity, I even said I would make
sure to arrange an appointment with a good therapist. 

btw she never responded to the divorce attorney text I sent
yesterday to confirm our meeting to file for divorce mutualy. She
responded to my IC text stating she would think about it, she said
she feels very down today (1st time in 2 months she has mentioned
her feelings) and doesn't want to make empty promises. What
should I make of this?

Should I just leave it? I still want to file for divorce but I want her
to have no regrets and be emotionally stable when doing signing.
I have urged her this one last time, I will give it a couple of days
and ask her for a final decision on IC.

Please any comments on the above and her change of mind to
think about it. Should i just continue with divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Another update, divorce is off, W says she is happy with current
situation. I didn't tell her that i'm not. W is an absolute peach I
guess, she reminds me so much of my sister at the age of 5.
Playing games, movies here, lunch there, do i attend, of course,
why? because i love my son !!! So why not just take my son on
his own? Because mommy wants to see daddy and make sure
i'm being a good boy. 
My counsellor is impressed with my progress, she asked me
today what my idea of a perfect wife would be, you know what 
I said? One with a heart, lol!!!
Anyways W has invited me for a function tomorrow, don't wanna
go and probably wont.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I think the 180 is important right now. Continue doing what you're doing, including the detaching. She doesn't want to truly change or commit to the marriage, she just doesn't want to go for the big D yet. She's stringing you along. Do not go along with it, no matter how hard it is. If you want to do something with your son and her, you can, but don't make it about her at all. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions, which would be not having you.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Thanks Lonely, truth be know she still needs to deal with the
consequences, she has already lost me, funny how the tables
turn. I wont be her puppet, no ways, if she wants commitment,
she can go buy a pet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sas581011 said:


> Thanks Lonely, truth be know she still needs to deal with the
> consequences, she has already lost me, funny how the tables
> turn. I wont be her puppet, no ways, if she wants commitment,
> she can go buy a pet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Haha, you've got this! :smthumbup:


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

I will give you an update after I've seen my amazing, special and
super awesome little boy tomorrow. Sh!t I must say life is really
fabulous when you look at kids, they suffer during this but hey
it's still cool knowing how he is the centre of my universe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Sorry guys, i'm not sure of the time difference, my time right now
is 21:46 in the evening, 26th April. Tomorrow is only 2+ hours away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Well anyways here is my update.

Ladies I really need your personal advise here, not reading into it
but I would appreciate feedback from an women's emotional POV.

I didn't attend the function I was invited to cause W had to work
today, anyways she said I must come collect my Son from her office
which I proceeded to do. On arrival she gave me a few gifts from
her shop incl. clothes etc... Anyways I proceeded to give her a hug
and she squeezed me tightly with a sence of relief. She and I then
kissed (peck) and I said thankyou. While chatting to her she felt very
comfortable trying clothes on and stripping down in front of me.
It was just a comfort thing though, she always did it during our
relationship. After work she came over to my place for a few hours
and we chatted about our amazing Son and general things sbout
him, all in all it was very pleasant and no relationship talk or 
anything of the nature, I was plain old me and she liked it.
She wants to do something on the weekend again but I said we can
chat about that later. All was good.
When they left my Son insisted on staying with me, he cried and cried
and eventually persuaded him to go home with mommy. During all
this my W seemed a little upset and I ciuld sence sye had the feeling
of slight regret. Am I over analysing, ladies, do woman act this way if
they are attracted to you again and are slowely falling in love again, I
certainly felt a skip of a heart beat or two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it SOUNDS like she was acting receptive toward you and flirty. 

Have you guys done MC? If you aren't happy w/ your arrangement, you need to tell her what you want. You said D is off the table for now, that is what she told you...


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Yes D is off the table, she told me this and I agreed. No MC yet.
I have tried, over the last few days I have changed my attitude
to friendship stance after the whole NC thing. Not over doing it
and subtle changes, i've been more like a good friend towards
her. She kissed me for the first time in ages (a peck) and for the
1st time in awhile she hugged me goodbye.
I'm not hoping neither have I changed my stance, all i've done is
the following
1. Listen carefully
2. Be joyfull and friendly
3. Looking my best, probably ever!!!
4. Showing confidence

Thats it. Thats all iv'e done now not even my 3 yr old Son wants
to go home with mommy. Weird!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you told her you want to do MC since D is off the table?


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

No I haven't mentioned MC yet since this change, it's only been 
a couple of days since she has opened up. She did agree to MC 
in the past but I cancelled and I told her since the D word was brought
up. I would honestly rather wait before mentioning MC again due
to the fact that it must be a common decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well put the MC back on the table if D is off...


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Sure thing, sh!t it feels like rewind again. I will re-instate MC
to the table and see where it goes. Thanks JB, I will post an 
update tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sounds like she felt something, but I wouldn't read too much into it at this point. Keep up what you're doing. I would let her know that if she doesn't want divorce, then you should be in IC or MC even better.


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## Sas581011 (Mar 27, 2011)

Hi all, just an update as promised, Instead of giving into a date on Saturday
I agreed to discuss MC and finances going forward, she was taken aback and
wanted to continue just talking when I told her i am busy, which i was. I said
i'm paying up front for all debts accrued while together. I made a full invetory
of everything and agreed to pay more than my share which is fine.
I had a sh!tty day today and feel stronger that im moving forward. I will meet
only to discuss MC but if that is no go then I will D by the end of may. This will
be discussed with W on Saturday. This will be final and btw I don't bluff!! She 
knows this. W was very nice when she contacted me regarding my email agenda
of finances. I was nice back, civil yet professional. I dont want to date her I want
her to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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