# 7 Year Marriage Help



## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

A lot can happen in 7 years, so I will try to summarize ALL that has happen. I put "all" in caps because it may take a book.

My husband and I met and clicked instantly. It wasn't long after we met we got married and within a few months I was pregnant with our first child.

Year 1
After finding out I was expecting, I asked him if we could move back to my hometown to be close to my mother. I wanted her to be apart of her 1st grandchild's life. He told me that he had everything line up for a transfer and would have a job. That never happened. Instead he spent the first 3 months glued to a computer screen watching porn for hours (up to 12+ hours) a day. He would not go out and look for a job. He blamed it on being in another state with people that he did not know and depression. 

After he got a job he went through 3 within 12 months. One of which he was transferred because of SEXUAL HARRASEMENT. During all of this I experience neglection and rejection after having our son sexually, while he spent hours on the computer masturbating and not having sex with me.

Year 2
We moved back to his home state, and I decided that I did not want my marriage to end. I know that we needed guidance and looked for help through going to church. In an effort to "get ourselves right," he admitted that he cheaped on me right sometime during or after my pregnancy because I was always complaining about his slothfulness and lack of responsibility concerning finding a job and threatened to "send him back home to his momma."

Year 3
We became heavily involved in church, and I did see a change in some of his behavior. One thing that was lacking was his willing to be helpful around the house and take me out. He worked odd hours, so I tried to be as understanding as possible. He believed that since I was home all day there was no need to "assist" in any of the household responsibilities. At the time, I was cariing for our first child, in school, and actively going to a church that required a lot of demands. During this time I also lost my mother at the early age of 49, she was my best friend. 

Year 4
I found out we were having twins. We moved into a new house, which alloted more space. Four months after my mom died, I had the twins. Because he was WORKING (MOSTLY 3RD SHIFT), he did not help me with our 3 small children (all under the age of 3). He slept in another room (totaling almost 2 years), and there were times were I had to fuss just to get him to change a diaper. 

His decision to sleep in another room affected us greatly. He began to talk to other woman via phone, email, etc. He says that he never slept with anyone, but that still remains to be seen. Our twins were developmentally delayed which means that had a lot of therapy appointments and doctor visits -- none of which he came! How can you look at your precious babies not walking, crawling or talking and not be concerned? You can take off from work for "me" time, but you cannot take off to talk to the doctors about what was happening with your kids? All of this happened, will still grieving my mothers death!

Year 5
It turned out that the church that I went to was a joke. All they cared out was money, and I poured my heart, soul and pocket into what I thought was the work of the Lord. He had already left the church months ago, but I was still trying to stay because I wanted to do right with God. He would talk down on me when I would get dressed to leave. He even got mad in one service, left, sent someone in to get me and almost hit me with the car while speeding off. 

When you add up the lost of mother, the health problems with me kids, the state of my relationship with the church (and how I felt confused and loved God, his infidelity and neglect -- I ENDED UP IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL.

Year 6
After getting out of the mental hospital, I felt betrayed by God. How could he let this happen? He knew that I loved him and wanted to do the right thing? Did my mental state change my husband's actions -- NO! He continued not helping. He would come home from work and sit on the couch or get on the computer until dinner was ready. He even would not tell me he was going to be bed and just walk out. If I would ask he said he had to go to work the next day and he was sleepy. Did he help prepare the kids for bed-- No! Did he began to help out his wife with 3 small children in the house all day while on 11 pills a day for her mental condition -- NO! In fact, my twins are over 3 years old now and he has never given them a bath. He does not take my 2 boys outside to play. For the longest time I could not even get him to take out the trash! One week I decided to see how long it would take before he took out the trash -- 3 bags and counting with trash piling up on the kitchen floor. 

Year 7
I have always tried to work from home to help financially since we had three small children and daycare would completely deplete evertything that I would make if I worked outside the home. He accused me of not wanting to work instead of seeing the sense of me working from home to help contribute instead of losing everything and having no extras working outside the home. Christmas came and I worked my butt off to have a nice Christmas for my 3 kids. With all the toys that you could wrap for 3 kids, do you know that he did not help me wrap a SINGLE present. 

Fast Forward to present day...
We are currently separated because I spent the last 2 years of my life being depressed, having anxiety attacks so severe that it looked like I was having a seizure, night after night without sleep despite medication and never getting through to his head about the state that he put me in.

Please understand that this is a summary of all the major events that have happened in our marriage. Everything was not bad, and we did have some good time. But the infidelity, the lack of motivation to take me out (has never taken me out on a special date just us two -- or won't even take me to the MALL-- despite that I am in the house with 3 small kids 7 days a week), pornography, lies, won't even go with me to the grocery store so we can shop as a family, and every in between -- I feel that I need time away. There have been No birthday presents given to me (even though I get him one). No anniversary presents. No romantic dinners.

The breaking point was when he choked me for not giving him the mail and accused me of hiding my "letter from my lover" from him. How can I even possibly cheat on him when I am in the house 24/7 with 3 small kids. The truth is -- I feel as if I was in a prison with a man that had no clue about what a woman needs. Yes, I nagged, fussed, yelled and probably acted like a complete idiot A LOT because I was crying out for his love and attention PLUS I was dealing with a mental condition from all the stress that I was under.

This may sound like the STUPIDEST question in the world, but...

I have invested 7 years of my life, have 3 wonderful children and would love nothing more than for this man to value me and love me. Yes -- I gained weight from the twins (on bedrest) and the meds added another 30 pounds -- but the weight can be lost. I feel that I am a beautiful, intelligent woman that sounds really STUPID right now...BUT ANYWAYS-- I feel I have a lot to offer and I want to have to my family stay together. I won't do anything to jeapordize my children and if this beyond fixing then I will have to suck it up and take the hurt. But I really love this man with all his imperfections (as I do have mine) and want him to see the bigger picture that he is not getting any younger and he has a family that loves and cares out him. I just want better for us. I can say I am not willing to sacrifice myself anymore for this dream but if my ways, mentality, etc. need changing -- I am willing to do it. 

This is why I am taking time for myself to get my life back in order and decide if I should just let it go. 

Any suggestions, comments or just plain help would be greatly appreciated...

Indecisive11


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Let it go.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Since he was never there for you and your kids now that you are separated why you miss him? What do you like about him ? Don't you think that depression you went through was mostly because of him?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

indecisive11,

you should step back and read what you posted here as if it were a letter to you from your grown daughter.

would you see any good coming from this for her?
would you want her in this kind of situation?

the good that you spoke of, does it make up for this kind of cruelty?
i dont think it could.

this just does not sound like a good situation for you or your children.


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## indecisive11 (Mar 27, 2011)

I felt therapy while writing this post. It really made me look at all the things that have happened over the past 7 years. 

Yes -- he messed up more times than I care to count.

Yes -- I messed up and pushed issues instead of leaving them alone.

I have love and thoughts operating but on different levels. 

I want some accountable. I want retribution. I want him to change. I want to be loved by him. I want to keep my family.

I think my optimism is too great. Maybe I am being a complete fool, but as long as there was love in my heart it equaled out to chance. 

My father keeps on telling me you cannot make someone love you, but what if he does not know how to love? There are many things that he experienced as a child that he says contributes to his adulthood. Lack of affection, relationships, etc have affected him greatly. Should we go to counseling -- on an individual and couple level? 

Love has made no sense to me. Maybe I don't love myself enough to realize that is not what love is. 

To answer your questions: The thing that makes me miss his is "the possibility." I do love him and want better for him. 

If it were my daughter, it would break my heart. I would want better for her and want her to have someone that loved appreciated her.


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## mamboloudmike (Jan 26, 2011)

The problem is that having invested so much of yourself into the marriage it is always going to be difficult to let go of him, and unfortunately if you and your children want any quality of life then that is what you are going to have to do. If he is not committed to the marriage then after so long you are highly unlikely to change him. What is of greater concern is just how cold he is towards your children, that's just not healthy for them, and it could adversely affect them in the future. You and your children deserve much better, and you are not going to get it from someone who has no interest in any of you.


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