# Need Advice



## helpmesoconfused (Apr 26, 2012)

Not sure where exactly to start off. 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for almost 12. We have 3 daughters together. He works full time and goes to school fulltime, I on the other hand go to school full time and no job outside the home. 

About a month and a half ago I send him a text because our youngest asked when daddy would be home (he leaves at 5am and gets home after 9pm mon-thurs). He texts me back and says soon he stopped to give the girl he sits next to in one of his classes notes. After an hour I send him another text asking no really when you coming home. He showed up 20 mins later, we got in a fight because I find out that he met this chick at a bar to give her the notes. 

Fast forward to the following weekend our youngest is playing with his phone while he is napping, well its open to texts so I read one he sent a friend of his and he told his friend he thought that the brunette was smoking hot. I confronted him about this to find out he gave his phone number to another chick in a different class and even friend-ed her on face book. 


Another argument ensued from this, Im hurt because these are not words he ever uses with me. 2 days later I decide to check his emails and face book to see what is being said. This makes me even more hurt and upset, now he comes home from school that night and tells me that he is a male and they all look and check out other women. he changes all his passwords, code locks his phone and even changed contacts to unknown.

Fast forward to tonight. I thought everything was beginning to get better, he was showing me affection towards me in the last month than he had in the last 6 months or so. Well I call him to ask him if he would pick up dinner for me and him on his way home and he tells me he is through and he was not coming home. I talked him into coming to atleast talk to me that after 12 years he owed me a conversation to my face telling me he was leaving. 
During this conversion he proceeds to tell me that he does not love me, and maybe never has. He also told me that I trapped him when I got pregnant with our oldest daughter. And that he has felt this way for the last month, all the while taking me out on dates, showing more affection to me, and even having sex with me as late as yesterday. 

Not really sure what to say or do. I do not feel like he actually cheated on me but it still hurt. I also know that he has been through alot when his mother died with no warning 6 months ago. He shut me out completely then and I don't feel he has let me in again yet, or if he ever will.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Major red flags on the cheating thing, could be a midlife crisis too, but I would not stand by and be a doormat. Often though when someone is cheating they distance and then feel guilty and try to reconnect with their partner, only to find their heart and mind wandering. I would say talk to him but it seems he gave you his explanation, that he doesn't love you., I would recommend some counseling for yourself and maybe you could offer to him to try together to make sure this is what he really wants....what he sad are some harsh mean things but sometimes that is how people tell the truth, in heheat of the moment hey feel bold. Hang in there! Stay strong for the kids and decide what u really want in life and how to get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I thought everything was beginning to get better, he was showing me affection towards me in the last month than he had in the last 6 months or so.


 I would guess either a guilty conscience because of his attraction to 'smokin hot brunette' OR one last-ditch effort (in HIS mind) to see if he really wanted to stay with you because he was ALREADY thinking of leaving.



> He also told me that I trapped him when I got pregnant with our oldest daughter.


 *You need to set him straight about this RIGHT NOW.* HE was there the night you got pregnant and was a WILLING PARTICIPANT. HE chose not to protect himself by wearing a condom (or it broke), either way there was NO TRICKERY involved on your part. Birth control is NOT the woman's sole responsibility; it is BOTH partner's responsibility...EVERY TIME. Furthermore, NOBODY FORCED him to get married. Tell him to *grow up and take responsibility* for HIS part in your daughter's conception.

Your husband is stressed out from work, school, parenthood and mother's death. He meets a woman and begins fantasizing about how great life could be if he was single and had less responsibilities. What he's not thinking about is how unrealistic this whole fantasy is. Still gonna be working, still gonna be just as much school, much less parenting (because he left the family home), but also much less money after paying child support for 3 and rent for him.

You can only control/change YOU. Ask to have a meeting alone with him (at a neutral place: park or whatever) to discuss the situation calmly and rationally. See what he has to say. If he refuses to meet with you, then concentrate on yourself and your children's needs until he IS ready to talk to you. You can't force him.

Good luck, we'll be here at TAM.


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## helpmesoconfused (Apr 26, 2012)

[/QUOTE]*You need to set him straight about this RIGHT NOW.* HE was there the night you got pregnant and was a WILLING PARTICIPANT. HE chose not to protect himself by wearing a condom (or it broke), either way there was NO TRICKERY involved on your part. Birth control is NOT the woman's sole responsibility; it is BOTH partner's responsibility...EVERY TIME. Furthermore, NOBODY FORCED him to get married. Tell him to *grow up and take responsibility* for HIS part in your daughter's conception.

Your husband is stressed out from work, school, parenthood and mother's death. He meets a woman and begins fantasizing about how great life could be if he was single and had less responsibilities. What he's not thinking about is how unrealistic this whole fantasy is. Still gonna be working, still gonna be just as much school, much less parenting (because he left the family home), but also much less money after paying child support for 3 and rent for him.

You can only control/change YOU. Ask to have a meeting alone with him (at a neutral place: park or whatever) to discuss the situation calmly and rationally. See what he has to say. If he refuses to meet with you, then concentrate on yourself and your children's needs until he IS ready to talk to you. You can't force him.

Good luck, we'll be here at TAM.[/QUOTE]

The thing with the whole I trapped him thinking, was he wanted me to have an abortion and I said I could not do that. Four months after our oldest was born I was pregnant again, I had just turned 21 with a newborn, living at his parents house with him, both of us working crappy jobs. I let him talk me into having an abortion that time, took me 6 months to stop crying myself to sleep. He says I trapped him because I wouldn't/couldn't do that with our oldest and that I could after I already had my claws into him.


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## helpmesoconfused (Apr 26, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Major red flags on the cheating thing, could be a midlife crisis too, but I would not stand by and be a doormat. Often though when someone is cheating they distance and then feel guilty and try to reconnect with their partner, only to find their heart and mind wandering. I would say talk to him but it seems he gave you his explanation, that he doesn't love you., I would recommend some counseling for yourself and maybe you could offer to him to try together to make sure this is what he really wants....what he sad are some harsh mean things but sometimes that is how people tell the truth, in heheat of the moment hey feel bold. Hang in there! Stay strong for the kids and decide what u really want in life and how to get it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't believe that he did anything with this other girl, but its the fact that he has treated me like **** since it happen makes my imagination run wild so to speak that maybe there is something there.


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