# sister in law has me baffled



## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Warning, long post!!


Soo...this has been bugging my mind for a while now, i thought i was being over sensitive but i think there is something odd going on with my sister in law and me.

For starters Ive been with my husband more than 5 years (dating included)...shes the loud type, often cranky who isnt afraid to speak her mind...but overall a good person who cares deeply for her family. Our relationship is the " passive aggresive love hate attitude" if i have to label it.

The thing is, she is both nice and mean to me in subtle ways. For example, ever since i started dating her brother, shes always made fun of me in front of everyone, sometimes even shushes me. Her family laughs because 
" thats how she is" and ive even fought with my husband over it so that he doesnt join in the laughter because i dont like it. In front of everyone i just laugh it off because i refuse to make a scene or give her the satisfaction of seeing me affected by it.
Then i noticed she neverrr wants to take pictures with me. She takes pics with other people a lot, even her other sister in law, and her step sister she supposedly doesnt like at all! but never with me. I dont really care about it, i just find it a little off.
Shes very expressive when she cares about someone for what ive seen in social media...shell say "love you" to her friends and family, including my other sister in law...but not me. The one time she was in a pic with another dear friend of mine, i commented "love you guys" and she responded "well i dont love you lol" which made me feel as if she doesnt like me. 
Sometimes she forgets to tag me in family pics...idk.
When it was our wedding, she titled her fb album under " 'brothers name' wedding" and there wasnt a single pic with me, the bride!...and she was one of my bridesmaids! (trust me, there were plenty of pics with me, but she chose not to include them). When it was her other brothers wedding, she included both the bride and grooms name and pleeenty of pics with the bride. That made me feel excluded. But i try to pay it no mind. (this, too, is weird because when we are not around my brother in law and his wife, she talks about how she doesnt like this and that about her etc)

Mind you, i have never spoken bad to her, im very careful with what i say and im often the quiet type (my resting ***** face might not help though)

Here comes the weird thing.
She does really nice things for me like she drove me around for some wedding errands when i didnt have a car, she offered herself to give me rides too! Shes not afraid to jokingly call me a ***** (i do it too, its in light humor, how friends normally do) She defends me when my husband "bullies" me...she hangs out mosly with my hubby and i as we are closest in distance and age.

SO I CANT FIGURE HER OUT.
Am i being too sensitive? Am i onto something?
I dont plan to call her out on it because i really want to avoid awkwardness.
Any ideas guys??


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Ultimately, the only way for you to gain any insight into what she's thinking is going to be to ask her. 

I mean, what can honestly make this any more awkward than it is now? What does your husband say when you ask him questions like why you weren't included in her online album?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sometimes people act badly when they are unhappy or hurting. 

What is your SIL's life like? Is she married? Divorced? Single? Does she have good friends or none? Is she lonely? Does she struggle with low self-esteem or insecurities? Maybe she envies what you have, and when it gets the better of her, she tries to put you down.

What about appearance? Are you a lot prettier than her? Maybe she doesn't want to look bad in pictures compared to you.

Maybe in those times when she is very nice to you, she is in a better frame of mind about herself and her life.

Point being, maybe this isn't really much about you at all, but has a lot more to do with her view of herself and her own life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, this is henpecking. She sees you a threat to her position as alpha sister/female in the family. She likes you but has to protect her position.

You make it easy because you let her get away with this stuff. In some ways you do not reassure her of her alpha position. Not that I am suggesting that you need to. It's just an observation.

She probably does no feel threatened by the other SIL's.

Your being quiet and somewhat standoffish probably helps to make her feel threatened because she has no idea what you think of her and where she stands.

Does she ever shushes anyone else?

Me? I would start being more on her level of "joking" .

If she said "I don't love you", I would responds "Well I love you, you silly girl" and laugh... this will disarm her and who that you are willing to go at it with her on the same level of humor.. plus it it none threatening.


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Thanks so much for the responses guys. I guess i might understand it a little better.

Elegirl, the only other person she shushes the way she does me is my husband. They have a weird yet normal sibling relationship, as in they are somewhat disrespectful to each other, but its their thing.
For a while i thought that maybe since i am married to him she wants to treat me the same as him...but then i realized the way she made fun of me was different. But nothing really totally offensive.
Thanks for the advice!

Bad Santa, thanks for the suggestion! I'll keep it in mind! Up to now i had decided to talk to her only when necessary and ignore her "jokes" by looking at my phone and whatever i can do to pretend i didnt hear it.

norajane, no im not significantly prettier than her, we are pretty much average. (and she does take pics with people "prettier" than her so im confused lol) thanks for responding 

Starstarfish, i havent talked to my husband about it, because I just dont want to risk him talking to anyone in his family about it and making it bigger than it really is. Thanks for yur response!


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## damilola (Jul 16, 2014)

Your story is almost similar to my situation. How are things now with the "alpha sister" SIL of yours. How do u deal with christmases and birthdays . And may i ask was she very close to yr husband ( her brother ) before you came along. I wud be interested to know


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Are you generally good at figuring out what people's motivations are? If so, could you be bothered by her perplexing behavior because she has been difficult to read? I don't know if my inferring is correct ; it was just a thought.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Her behavior towards you is manipulative. It reminds me of how mean girls act in school. She is doing this on purpose to get under your skin. It is deliberate. I would not trust her. She does not like you. She does nice things for you to confuse you and manipulate you.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Her behavior towards you is manipulative. It reminds me of how mean girls act in school. She is doing this on purpose to get under your skin. It is deliberate. I would not trust her.*She does not like you. She does nice things for you to confuse you and manipulate you.*


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