# Should a spouse be a best friend too?



## Visexual (Nov 8, 2008)

OK, first of all, I've been married for 41+ years.

We never had children and never had a reason that we needed to stay together.

We shared some sexual adventures that included others at times in our marriage but always loved each other.

We're now both retired, very active and very healthy, and enjoy common activities.

When we were sharing sexual adventures with others, it seemed like we were the closest and best friends ever. Those were two short periods of our marriage. We were able to be so open and so honest that it was like having a best buddy. I so miss that now. Heck, I miss the open conversations a lot more than I miss the sex with other people.

Now I have to watch what I say about other people. If I admit that I find someone attractive or sexy my wife seems to get upset. Once she even scolded me for saying something and told me that I should remember that she's my wife, not my buddy.

Why can't she be both?

I've tried numerous times in the past couple of years to get her to let down her inhibitions a little but failed. I, now, just don't find her sexually appealing anymore at all. In fact, it's been well over a year since we've had sex. I'm thinking that sex may never be part of our marriage again, and the sad part is, I'm OK with it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

She sounds as if she may be emotionally invested elsewhere and/or getting advice about how a marriage should be from someone who might be a tad bit toxic. There is nothing wrong with your spouse being your best friend too. In fact i feel it strengthens your relationship.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The second time around, my wife is also my best friend. 

It seems a bit odd that your wife is jealous of you finding other women attractive given your earlier adventures, but perhaps she's just past that and now wants your full attention. Maybe a bit of insecurity about her attractiveness to you as she ages? Reassure her, and maybe she'll again be your buddy too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Visexual said:


> When we were sharing sexual adventures with others, it seemed like we were the closest and best friends ever. Those were two short periods of our marriage. We were able to be so open and so honest that it was like having a best buddy. I so miss that now. Heck, I miss the open conversations a lot more than I miss the sex with other people.
> 
> Now I have to watch what I say about other people. If I admit that I find someone attractive or sexy my wife seems to get upset. Once she even scolded me for saying something and told me that I should remember that she's my wife, not my buddy.
> 
> *Why can't she be both?*


Do you give HER as much attention, does she feel she is your #1 in your heart & soul? How very important this is !



I believe ...YES ...a couple can be Both....

Me & my husband were *best friends* before we even kissed... This was very very important to me... we've always always always been able to share damn near ANYTHING... EVERYTHING with each other... but I'm sure it helps neither of us has ever been with another ...

We are both kinda stubborn & hell bent on our sexual views, he was never worried about me crossing a fence knowing how I am, even though I've always kinda wore my thoughts on my sleeve in some ways....when we get with friends, we have a great time.. we're all pretty open .... he just joins right in with a !

We wouldn't have it any other way....I can't say I've ever felt disrespected by him ...because of how he's always treated me over the last 31 yrs of being together...

Though he has said things to me, that if I shared on this forum, I do feel some wives would think "OMG -a man should never say that to his wife" .. but I ASKED [email protected]#$ and I love that he can share his every thought...

Even when we went to the Strip Club (a higher class one- not a dive...it was a bit of a wild phase in Mid Life & we did it all together -this has passed)... When he asked me if he could get a Lap Dance... I remember these feelings rising within...It was jealousy!... as I watched him walk back with this young hottie... but I kinda liked it.... It stirred my emotions, my passions towards him even more so......so I wanted to claim him as MY OWN....and that's just what I did that night! 

I didn't get upset.. .I know where his heart resides....it's something we hold very dear ...keeps our connection strong... the fact we CAN share so openly...it's part of our appeal even ...even HUMOR at times! Makes for some great conversations ! 

I surely believe a couple can be amazing Lovers & Best friends at the same time !!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why did the sex stop?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think your spouse should be your best friend. 

My husband and I are best friends for each other. 

I am wondering if sex involving others has hurt your marriage. She feels insecure, or she feels being disrespected by you when you talk about others.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Being buddies doesn't mean you can say whatever you want. She is a woman, not a man. 

My H is my best friend. We share interests and tastes and enjoy each others company. But if I started pointing out guys I thought were attractive, he wouldn't buy an excuse like, "hey, this is what friends do!". He is the center of my sexual universe. 

It helps that I find him the most attractive man around.

As we age, women tend toward some insecurity, especially because older men often lust after young porn girls and when they have affairs, do so with younger women. If you aren't sensitive to this and you argue your point to her, I am afraid I would judge you insensitive and not very loving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Visexual said:


> OK, first of all, I've been married for 41+ years.
> 
> We never had children and never had a reason that we needed to stay together.
> 
> ...


The 3somes and 4gees...did that consist of both of you having sex with others, she with other men and you with other women?

Ya, I think your spouse should be your best friend...if not, whats the point of being married to them? Financial stability? Loneliness? 

If sex is important to you, THAT should be important to your spouse.

Maybe your wife doesn't have the same fond memories of swinging that you do? Maybe now that she is older, she regrets some of the swinging or just wants to put it behind her? Maybe she doesn't want to hear who you find attractive....maybe she doesn't think you find her attractive? I mean, you told us that you don't find her sexually appealing at all...I bet she's aware of that. That sucks.

Relationship dynamics can change quite a bit over the years. You 2 may have grown apart a bit over time....you could try and rekindle the flames. 

What exactly do you want, a buddy you can have sex with? Or do you want your "buddy" to let you have sex with others?


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## Visexual (Nov 8, 2008)

Thanks everyone for some very thoughtful posts. And to address some things from them, well first, I don't want her to become sexy again just so I can have sex with other folks. I'm not sure that I would want that even if she did. I wouldn't mind if she did and let me be part of it though. What I miss most is the fun discussions.

And, honestly, the sex ended because she's just not the same exciting woman she was and I just don't want to have charity sex, either way!

OK, and I'm serious here, I really don't care for younger women at all. That's not my thing or my agenda. My bigest fantasy is to hear my wife say that she thought about it and would like to talk about the things we did in the past and maybe dip our old toes in that little stream again.


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## Engagedandconfused85 (Sep 7, 2013)

Visexual said:


> Now I have to watch what I say about other people. If I admit that I find someone attractive or sexy my wife seems to get upset. Once she even scolded me for saying something and told me that I should remember that she's my wife, not my buddy.
> 
> Why can't she be both?


I think sometimes when women get older, they start getting insecure about their looks. Men seem to always be OBSESSED with dating/sleeping with young women. 

There's a huge double standard in our society that older men are "refined" and "silver foxes" while older women are just...old. Think about it: Who is the female equivalent of George Clooney? There is none. It's frustrating!

I'm not saying you're this way, but are the women you comment about in their 20s and 30s, or are they usually around your own age?

If the comments bother your wife, you should respect her and stop. And don't stare either!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I've tried numerous times in the past couple of years to get her to let down her inhibitions a little but failed. I, now, just don't find her sexually appealing anymore at all. In fact, it's been well over a year since we've had sex. I'm thinking that sex may never be part of our marriage again, and the sad part is, I'm OK with it.


And your W probably knows this... Coupled with the fact that she knows that she's no longer young or as attractive as she was, you making comments about other women probably drives this home to her even further...

If you want to be her best friend, you could start by being more sensitive about her feelings, OP.

I certainly believe that spouses can be lovers and best friends.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Visexual said:


> OK, first of all, I've been married for 41+ years.
> 
> We never had children and never had a reason that we needed to stay together.
> 
> ...



Congrats for being married 41+ years. It's something I can look up to. :smthumbup:

Oh, so you both had sex with other people while you are married? That's breaking the thou shalt no commit adultery rule and you both have broken your marriage vows. To be faithful to each other, in good times and bad, etc. Respect God and both sets of parents. Why did you get married in the first place then? You should of remained single, dated and had an open dating relationship.

*You were supposed to be close and sexual only with your wife and her to you.
*
Your wife has no right no get upset at you if you see a lady who is hot. She allowed you both to commit adultery in your marriage. You guys opened that pandora's box.

An open marriage isn't really a marriage, its open dating free for all.

What ever happened to a man and woman, get married, stay faithful to each other in good times and bad, or do it clean by divorcing before having sex with another?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Wow. If you have shared any of what you just shared with us, I would not be surprised if a huge part of her lack of attraction to you is your attitude toward her . the other thing I wouldn't be surprised to learn is that she is a big giant ball of nerves every time she goes somewhere with you .

I'm sorry to say that I would hate to be married to someone with your attitude toward me and sex in general. in fact I'd planning my exit . and while I don't really think I could bring myself to do something like this but I might even consider doing it with an exit affair just let you know how it feels to be discarded that way. it'd probably be more of a fantasy but one that I would relish .

I'm just a couple of years younger than your wife .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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