# What's best for the child - separate or stay together



## pms (Dec 30, 2013)

My wife and I are having major problems (which I won't get into) and we don't think we can live together. We have a 2-month old daughter. The question is this: for our daughter's sake, is it better for us to stay together in a marriage we are both unhappy with so that our daughter has a family, or is it better for us to separate?

We both agree that if it's the latter, then the child will stay with her and I will have full visitation rights. We also both agree that we will do whatever necessary for our daughter's emotional and physical health.

Any advise would be appreciated.


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## MarthaMellow (Dec 30, 2013)

Let's see....you stay together and are miserable and that's helpful to the daughter?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Split up. She's two months old - do it now.

Why on earth do so many people think it could possibly be better for the child to live in a home where her parents fight and argue all the time, than in a single parent home, or two of them, that's peaceful, or with two sets of happy parents who have remarried?? I do not get it.


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## LeAnneD (Dec 30, 2013)

If your daughter is 2 months old now would be the time to do it, when it won't affect her. My question is, why do you feel you can't live together? Can you get counseling and find out what the issues are so you can live together? Obviously it would be great for your child to grow up with a mom and dad in the home, but it isn't the only answer. If you are miserable togther than your daughter will feel the misery and that is not a healthy environment for her to be in.,


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## pms (Dec 30, 2013)

Thank you for the feedback. Your replies are exactly what I feel. However, my wife, the pediatrician, thinks that it would be better for our daughter if we stayed together, even if we are miserable with our lives.

As to your question about why we can't live together: we have been married for 6 years, and neither of us has been happy. I find her to be stubborn; controlling; she is mean to people; she is rude to everyone, even to her own mother; she is paranoid; she is insecure; she talks about our private affairs to her friends; she never listens to what I tell her, although she would listen when someone else tells her the exact same thing. I am tired of living with someone who doesn't respect me and treats me like garbage.

She treats her parents and brothers the same way. I guess I was too madly in love to see all this before we got married. I blame myself and no one else.

But it's decision time, and I just want to make sure that I am not making a mistake for the sake of my child.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I made the mistake of waiting a few years because I could not stand not seeing my boy everyday, every morning and put him to sleep. I really tried to keep it together but when the other party wants to be right and have it their way ALL THE TIME its just impossible to provide a stable loving home.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

pms said:


> My wife and I are having major problems (which I won't get into) and we don't think we can live together. We have a 2-month old daughter. The question is this: for our daughter's sake, is it better for us to stay together in a marriage we are both unhappy with so that our daughter has a family, or is it better for us to separate?
> 
> We both agree that if it's the latter, then the child will stay with her and I will have full visitation rights. We also both agree that we will do whatever necessary for our daughter's emotional and physical health.
> 
> Any advise would be appreciated.


What are the issues at hand, you have to share for us to give the best advice and counsel necessary that your wife and you cannot work it out? Can the two of you go to MC? Marriage is very, very hard work. It's like another full time job to people already stretched so thin.

I am not being mean. Dh and and I have been married over21 years with a lot of issues to deal with. We also have 4 children. That being said we never gave up. Both of our character and personal makeup thrives on integrity. 

From your daughter's perspective STAY TOGETHER. No child want's to grow up in two different homes.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

pms said:


> My wife and I are having major problems (which I won't get into) and we don't think we can live together. We have a 2-month old daughter. The question is this: for our daughter's sake, is it better for us to stay together in a marriage we are both unhappy with so that our daughter has a family, or is it better for us to separate?
> 
> We both agree that if it's the latter, then the child will stay with her and I will have full visitation rights. We also both agree that we will do whatever necessary for our daughter's emotional and physical health.
> 
> Any advise would be appreciated.


I know this might not be the popular opinion but what is so wrong that the two of you give up on your marriage and your daughter's legacy so soon??? :scratchhead::scratchhead:

Even if one of you have cheated there is forgiveness and MC. Marriage is all about selflessness, patience, forgiveness and not wanting to be a dumb statistic.

Try to make it work.....


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## pms (Dec 30, 2013)

over20 said:


> I know this might not be the popular opinion but what is so wrong that the two of you give up on your marriage and your daughter's legacy so soon??? :scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> Try to make it work.....


We're not giving up so soon. This situation is at least 4 years in the making. Neither of us has cheated. The problem is lack of respect and integrity in the marriage. As I mentioned earlier, "I find her to be stubborn; controlling; she is mean to people; she is rude to everyone, even to her own mother; she is paranoid; she is insecure; she talks about our private affairs to her friends; she never listens to what I tell her, although she would listen when someone else tells her the exact same thing. I am tired of living with someone who doesn't respect me and treats me like garbage."

I'm the only bread-earner in the marriage (she hasn't worked since we got married, as she has been studying for her medical exams since then) and that doesn't stop her from using money any which way, even if we're spending way above our means.

I blame myself because I let her do whatever she wanted to do. She had a rough time growing up - her father dominated her mother, and she says she had a miserable childhood. So I let her be her own boss, to my detriment.

We've had multiple conversations about our problems and have seen 3 different counselors in the last 4 years, all to no avail. We got separated a month before we found out she was pregnant, and we got back because I wouldn't let her go through the pregnancy by herself.

I feel that I can't be with her any more, but I want the best for my daughter. Tough decision, but gotta make it and stick with it, right?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you know you're done with the marriage, staying together for the kids is a big mistake. A BIG one.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you've done some MC and still feel that you are not happy together than separate now. If you wait, and your child gets older and used to being part of a family unit then it will hurt HER more.

You know in your gut that you can't stand how your wife treats you and others. If you can't be yourself around her, relaxed and happy, then do all of you a favour and say it's over.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

She is under substantial pressure and stress from her job. As others note, marriage counseling represents the first step. It may well be that you two cannot get along and if so, then divorce is the step. However, her suggestion of your two staying together represents some desire on her part and your response should be, are you willing to work to make this marriage work, if so, I will too.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Could the lack of respect be caused by income difference? she should be making decent money as a pediatrician, how about you? It's not a given, mind you, my own marriage is not a good one and we earn the same... But something to think about.

The red flag is that you listed a bunch of characteristics of her that I find inconsistent for a pediatrician. Unless she has good skills of controlling all these behaviors with everyone else except you, of course. Is that the case?


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