# What’s Worse In a relationship? Screaming? Or Silence?



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I was catching up on my podcasts from Touch of Flavor. A bit of a warning. They specialize in kink and ethical non-monogamy. However, they often have advice that equally apply to monogamy as well as non-monogamy. This episode was a great one. And given a lot of the posts here dealing with slow withdrawal, it seemed this was particularly applicable.

https://atouchofflavor.com/085-whats-worse-in-a-relationship-screaming-or-silence/

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Oh, I can deal with silence alright ~ What I cannot deal with is screaming, loudness, boisterousness, and people who have a tendency to be losing it, either physically or emotionally!

Guess that's why God has made me so successful at being a football Referee/Crew Chief! I just savor putting up with out-of-control idiots(players/coaching staff) both on the sideline as well as out in the green! Undoubtedly, it must be my laid-back, easy-going demeanor*


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Depends on the nature is the person. But for me silence. I bicker and yell because I care. When I was silent, it’s because I don’t care and I’m over the relationship.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I will fully admit I'm a yeller. I'm not proud of it. I think there's a difference between yelling and screaming but that could be me being defensive and trying to mitigate the fact that I yell. I could easily say it's because I grew up in a yelling household. My dad yelled all the time. But I'm an adult and know right from wrong so that'd feel like a cop out.

I'm sure my H would say silence would be more tolerable. I would say it too because my last relationship was physically abusive and filled with raging and screaming. It was scary.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Screaming is worse. After a while, screaming and yelling have a tendency to be ignored. It's like the boy who cried wolf - you just don't pay attention anymore other than to think "I wish they would shut the hell up".

If you want someone's attention, talk softly. Save the screaming and yelling for emergencies.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I now find myself wondering if anyone has actually listened to the the podcast. One of the main themes us that silence can be as much of a sign of a relationship in trouble, as one poster noted for him(?).

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

In my personal opinion, neither are the preferred option. Silence has usually meant that a person is done and has nothing else to give in the relationship, or just doesn’t care anymore. Screaming is just unpleasant. But, there’s a difference between screaming and yelling or just getting louder. In my former marriage, I could get loud but never scream. For about the last 6-8 months of it though, I was pretty silent because at that point, I was done and had stopped caring and trying.


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

In all honesty, I have not listened to the podcast you're talking about. I have experienced both inside the walls of marriage. My first wife and I were not very good with sharing our feelings and we rug swept and kept things quiet to far too much of an extreme to be healthy with each other. Hardly any fighting whatsoever, which is probably just as harmful as too much fighting. As for my current marriage, that would be the loud side. We fight a lot. Loudly. Or at least used to. I've stopped with it because I can see how just as not fighting isn't healthy, there's another side of the coin that says too much fighting is unhealthy and toxic. We are not long for staying married.

In my estimation, seeing both, screaming is much much worse.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I find silence to be deafening.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I've been in a relationship that was full of screaming and one with deafening silence. One is just as emotionally damaging as the other honestly.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I hate silence.
I would rather scream it all out so it can be worked on instead of being ignored.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

maquiscat said:


> I now find myself wondering if anyone has actually listened to the the podcast. One of the main themes us that silence can be as much of a sign of a relationship in trouble, as one poster noted for him(?).
> 
> Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


You asked for an answer to your question.

If you wanted a critique of the podcast, maybe people would have given that? 

Actually screaming is worse as it hurts the ears and is tough on the nerves.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> You asked for an answer to your question.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was citing the title, which I realize, belatedly, was a rule for the other site I am on through Tapatalk, not this one. I was intending to start a conversation on how silence can be as much an indicator of a failing relationship as loud can be. I do see my mistake in the approach.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I would tolerate neither.........


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

For me, it's silence. I'd rather someone get wound up while dealing with their feelings than for then to shut down. Yelling is still talking and I can work with that. If you are silent, I have no way to know what to do.


----------



## Lonely2020 (Feb 23, 2020)

For me it’s silence. It means I genuinely don’t care anymore and have no interest in getting to know your thoughts and feelings. It’s a very bad sign in a relationship.


----------



## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

While I was married, the silence was golden as my ex had only 2 speeds: scream-n-shout or silent treatment; screaming could be ignored as it is (literally) just white noise.

However, in my relationships since D, it's silence that I take a a serious indicator of trouble and will (clearly belatedly) take positive action to rectify. Screaming or yelling is not tolerated and results in instant end; unless bones are broken or the house is on fire, no adult communicates with fury and anger.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Neither is good. But in the couples I work with, I feel less hopeful when it's quiet, they have nothing to talk about, and are "drifting apart" and have separate lives with no conflict. On the other hand when people are arguing hotly, it seems like they still care, and the relationship is much more likely to be saveable. All they need is to learn better ways to express themselves. The silent ones who have given up and have nothing to say, are more difficult to help. 

I haven't listened to the podcast yet, I have actually added it to my queue so eventually I will listen to it. It's only 8:45 minutes.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> Neither is good. But in the couples I work with, I feel less hopeful when it's quiet, they have nothing to talk about, and are "drifting apart" and have separate lives with no conflict. On the other hand when people are arguing hotly, it seems like they still care, and the relationship is much more likely to be saveable. All they need is to learn better ways to express themselves. The silent ones who have given up and have nothing to say, are more difficult to help.
> 
> 
> 
> I haven't listened to the podcast yet, I have actually added it to my queue so eventually I will listen to it. It's only 8:45 minutes.


This and the previous was more along what I was envisioning when I started the discussion. The impact and meaning of silent vs loud as opposed to the preference, and how clear a sign is it.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not a yeller, and if someone yells I just shut down. I was in a relationship with an abusive man, who used to yell at me a lot. I also worked for a yeller. I learned to block them out, it's how I survived.

I will argue and get upset about something, I can get quite emotional, but that's because I care.

I don't do the silent treatment either, juvenile and cruel, but if I'm not engaging in a conversation about the issue at hand, or getting upset about it, it means I don't give fig about it and am done.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I don’t like it when H yells, and he gets very worried when I get quiet.


----------

