# saying your sorry vs. standing up



## dude (Feb 16, 2009)

There are times in which I feel like I should stand up for myself whenever me and my wife are having an arguement. I tried sidestepping her when I could feel the tension mounting...which made her angry because I was avoiding her. I tried confronting her, which seemed to make the situation worse. She goes bonkers and throws in some really extreme comment and storms off. I'm resorting to saying I'm sorry at times...which calms the situation...but then it always turns me into the consumate moron, because I'm supposedly always at fault in the matter. I want to find a solution that resolves the situation in the best way possible. Any advice?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im afraid your wife is quite the control freak. but you do have to stand up for yourself - especially if your right.
she is not always right and you are being walked over. 
her frustrations and temper tantrums are what children should have , not adults. 
your wifes has issues but is using you as the backdrop because she isnt clear how to handle her own issues either.
you cant keep being sorry, especially when it sounds like she isnt sorry for her behaviour either.
personally i dont think she sees you as a man of the house, because you back of and your under her thumb.
you get treated like this all your life, life wil pass you by and you wil end up in an unhappy life, if thats not already happening.


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## dude (Feb 16, 2009)

Actually you have a great point. She is a business owner by the way haha. So I guess that brings me to my next question. How do I handle the control freak in a positive manner that enhances the marriage?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What types of arguments do you have? Does she vent to you about work frustrations? I wonder if she's already tense from work (it can be lonely at the top) and carries that home where any little thing sets her off...do you think she gets emotional support from you or does she seem frustrated a lot of the time?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you don't develop a sense of firmness around who you are, your wife will go off having sex with you quite so often as you would like - if she hasn't done so already. How's that for motivation?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

but the fact is, she might be good at her business , but business manners should be kept there and not in the home.
i promise you, my step dad - good guy has been downtrodden by my mum for 30 yrs. its never really changed. but he is submissive in his manner. hes not a fighter if that helps. not even to get his point across, matters are rather left undealt with, because of who my dad is, just his nature.
but when he really has had enough, gosh he blows a gasket and even im outta there. but thats keeping everything inside for so long to bubble so much, which can actually put your health at risk.
its because he doesnt know how to communicate his issues.
so when the rage hits, so everything comes out.
only my suggestion with control freaks, you have to change your persona.
im afraid yep, you have to be the man and take a little control.
you are not in this relationship to be kept at like a child is to its mother.
your an adult. 
its not easy what you have to do, but you have to communicate you wont be spoken to unless she calms down. 
if she starts , walk away and soon she wil realise you wont put up with it. but you have to continue and not give in at the first instance, or you wil be like this forever in this relationship.
heres my suggestion - you have to do the reverse psychology.
how you have behaved to her issues in the past , reverse what you do in the future.
so if she rants at you and you take it, thats actually your fault.
now reverse that and raise your voice a little, as to shock her a little. but this is only to make her think. 
you have to remind her, when she comes home and no its not easy to leave your cares at the front door, especially when owning your business. but thats what she has to learn.
if i can ask, when your home, my guess is your a good house husband and thats good. however take a little more advice and take more control with her in the bedroom.
trust me , i know what im talking about. 
start taking the lead in different aspects of homelife. then your wife will realise your the Husband and not the child.


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## dude (Feb 16, 2009)

sweedish..little things here and there...about 95% of the time we're fine and have a very loving bond. But the other 5% usually deals with control issue problems, or family issue problems. 

The biggest issues right now are family issues. I come from a small family of antisocial introverts who are close with everyone in the family and talks fairly regularly. She comes from a large family of extroverts that don't talk as often due to sheer numbers. Since the wedding for example, my family has repeatedly made attempts to get to know her better by calling her pretty often and trying to talk and having one-on-one conversations. She brushes off their attempts as unnatural attempts to be her best buddy to feed some insecurity or lonliness on their part. She refuses to "play that game" and is completely withdrawing from them. She even recently professed feeling uncomfortable having so many one-on-one conversations with my mom when she did talk with her. So my family is scared of her and doesn't know what to do to be on her good side. I'm stuck in the middle and recently whenever I bring up my family and the issue...she goes absolutely haywire that people are still talking about the issue and calls it "childish overthinking that would have never happened in my family." Ok...so i'm left with her in a rage and me feeling completely ashamed because I come from a family of idiots...in her opinion. 

With that in mind...I do want to note that i've defended her all the way through this..and tried to be a middle man and communicate what is going on to my family..so they will understand her rules and will follow them...but I'm stuck completely confused..


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## nowaking (Mar 2, 2009)

I found myself in a similar situation, you need to take a break from all this... I don't mean leave the house, you need to get some space.. 

1. Stop excusing her behavior to people - I stopped that
2. Be firm and decisive... let her rant rave and scream all she wants.


I failed in some of this thing and am now just recovering, still in the marriage but I think she cheated on me or she is and she has no respect for me.

I figure I need to be a man with or without her.


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