# kicked out abusive husband and sad he won't come back



## 4mylittleones (Feb 8, 2011)

hi everyone, i'm new here but i'm going thru a major problem that i could use some feedback on. i met my husband 6 years ago we married and divorced within 6 months due to him hitting me. he is here in the u.s. illegally from a country in central america. we married almost two years ago once again because i thought he had changed. 

out of our two year marriage we have only lived together less than 6 months. he was living with a roomate and acting single and i was ready to divorce him thinking he just wanted a green card untill he showed up at my door saying he was ready to have a family now. (yes, i know) i have a 7 year old son that is not his child. he loves this man with all his heart and in many ways is the only father he has ever known.

well, my husband started hitting me again shortly after he moved in surprise, surprise and i was going to kick him out until i found out that i was pregnant. his screaming and violence and threats to abandon me intensified on a weekly basis to the point that he said he would put me in the hospital and go back to his home country and not care about the consequences.

by the look in his eye i did believe him and i was afraid, i asked him to move out. we packed his things in the middle of the night and he left. never to be heard from again for about 2 weeks.

a couple days after i kicked him out i texted and called him non stop to come back home. i was terrified what i would do, trying to graduate college and pay for daycare and bills and all the things he said he would help me with.

in reality, i wanted him to admit how abusive he is and seek treatment and want his family back. needless, to say that didn't happen. when i finally got a hold of him he said that he wanted a divorce and custody of the baby.

later that night we agreed we wouldn't divorce now since i am pregnant. he told me that if i go to counseling, he might come back to me. meaning that i am the one with all the problems.

hes sleeping on his friends couch. his friend has a wife, 5 kids, and a brother that live there. they are all pushing him to divorce me, that i'm not a "respectable" woman for him. he has his mothers blessing to abandon us to.

i don't know if that's a cultural thing or not????

what i do know is that he called the other night asking how the baby is doing and making small talk. i think he wants to stay married since he brought up me filing papers for him someday. i know he is trying to use me, i think i have for a long time, but a huge part of me wants desperately to believe that he loves me.

he blames me for being pregnant. he told me he thought i did it to trap him.  thats not true and it hurts me that he thinks i'm such an awful person that he wouldn't have a child with me. it's like whats wrong with me.

i'm so heartbroken because i love him but not the violence.

sometimes i feel guilty that i broke up the family, but i don't think he even wants to come back which is like insult to injury.

i am mourning the loss of a dream.

i am in counseling and i do go to a domestic abuse survivors group.

i'm not really wanting him to come back home because i know he won't change since he can't even admit to doing wrong. hitting women is condoned by his family and circle of friends and they all think i am a beyatch and deserve to be abandoned.

i am so sad though. i will be pregnant alone and i am worried that i am to blame...like maybe if i tried hard enough and didn't provoke him like he says i do. i just try to talk to him and he'd scream at me, in my face like i was a man he was going to fight. 

i just miss the good parts of him and our relationship and i feel so sad that we can't have a happy home together and it's easy for me to blame myself.

thanks for reading all of this.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You probably don't want to hear this, but.....count your blessings he is gone. You and your children don't need a man like this around. Keep going to counseling and group meetings.


----------



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

You've done the right thing for you and your children. Keep him out of your lives. I recommend you follow the no contact rule. He is a nasty piece of work, and no one deserves to be with him.

You will go through the whole emotional rollercoaster, but keep remembering all the reasons you left him.

Take care. x


----------



## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

4mylittleones said:


> hi everyone, i'm new here but i'm going thru a major problem that i could use some feedback on. i met my husband 6 years ago we married and divorced within 6 months due to him hitting me. he is here in the u.s. illegally from a country in central america. we married almost two years ago once again because i thought he had changed.
> 
> out of our two year marriage we have only lived together less than 6 months. he was living with a roomate and acting single and i was ready to divorce him thinking he just wanted a green card untill he showed up at my door saying he was ready to have a family now. (yes, i know) i have a 7 year old son that is not his child. he loves this man with all his heart and in many ways is the only father he has ever known.


So why did you let him back in this time? What gave you the notion, other than his words that he was ready for a relationship and ready for a family? What had changed about him?




4mylittleones said:


> well, my husband started hitting me again shortly after he moved in surprise, surprise and i was going to kick him out until i found out that i was pregnant. his screaming and violence and threats to abandon me intensified on a weekly basis to the point that he said he would put me in the hospital and go back to his home country and not care about the consequences.
> 
> by the look in his eye i did believe him and i was afraid, i asked him to move out. we packed his things in the middle of the night and he left. never to be heard from again for about 2 weeks.
> 
> ...


_Fear and Love are two totally different emotions. When you said you wanted him to come back to help you with the things that he had helped you with. Did you want him to come back from a place of fear or love? 

You also wrote that you wished he would get help (or want to get help) to change for his family and that he seems to blame you for problems and he wants you to get help. This seems like he believes you are the problem, not him. This also means that he doesn't think he needs any help and he probably justifies and rationalizes why he has abused you, making it your fault in his mind. So how can he want to change something that he doesn't see as a problem?

Another question - Do you believe you are deserving of a violence free relationship? LOVE is not violence and Violence is NOT love. His anger and his violence are not coming from a place of love but it seems that you think that this is your fault. This is not your fault. If he is incapable of loving, how does that relate to you in any way? It seems that your self-esteem makes you believe it is your fault and that "if you were better" or any other adjective, then "he would behave better" but the thing is, it has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. He has the problem, not you. 


_



4mylittleones said:


> later that night we agreed we wouldn't divorce now since i am pregnant. he told me that if i go to counseling, he might come back to me. meaning that i am the one with all the problems.
> 
> hes sleeping on his friends couch. his friend has a wife, 5 kids, and a brother that live there. they are all pushing him to divorce me, that i'm not a "respectable" woman for him. he has his mothers blessing to abandon us to.
> 
> i don't know if that's a cultural thing or not????


_As for the question, is it cultural? That answer depends on where he learned this behavior, if he learned it from his father, uncle or saw it happening in his family as a child and whether he thought it was an acceptable behavior, etc. We can assume, yes, but who knows where he picked it up for sure. Does that mean that all South Americans are like this? No, because every person's situation is different. 
Also, It sounds like you are struggling with feeling "good enough" which is a self-esteem issue. The thing is.. YOU ARE good enough with our without him. Question is, do you believe that you are good enough? Who knows what he is saying to his friends, family or whomever to get the reaction that he wants from them. Do you feel you are respectable, that is all that matters. What he thinks and what he wants others to think is a way of trying to manipulate you and to make you feel bad about yourself. If he can make you feel bad about yourself, he has greater control over you. The more control he has over you, the less control you have over yourself and he is able to abuse you easier. The longer this cycle happens, and the more control he has, the less likely you are to stand up for yourself. It's a vicious cycle that you are very lucky to have escaped from, some women don't._




4mylittleones said:


> what i do know is that he called the other night asking how the baby is doing and making small talk. i think he wants to stay married since he brought up me filing papers for him someday. i know he is trying to use me, i think i have for a long time, but a huge part of me wants desperately to believe that he loves me.


If you know he is trying to use you, then why do you let him? What do you gain from him? What does hanging on do for you? If he doesn't believe he is the problem, and he doesn't want help, and nothing changes on his end, what will change? 
Also why do you want to believe that he loves you so much when his version of "love" comes with bruises, cuts and trips to the hospital? Is that really love? NO. And YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. The problem is right now it doesn't seem like you believe you deserve more, but you do, everyone does. 

You deserve someone to treat you with respect and to give you LOVE, the real definition LOVE. 



4mylittleones said:


> he blames me for being pregnant. he told me he thought i did it to trap him.  thats not true and it hurts me that he thinks i'm such an awful person that he wouldn't have a child with me. it's like whats wrong with me.
> 
> i'm so heartbroken because i love him but not the violence.
> 
> ...


OF course *he said* you provoked him, that is how he can justify his horrid behavior. Did you? Of course you didn't! He has an issues with power and control and uses intimidation and violence to try to get you within his control. He needs to feel powerful and abusing you is how he gains power. You did not break up your family. You saved your children from seeing that in future years. YOU did the RIGHT thing!!! You are an amazingly strong woman!! He is the one who messed up, not you. 

This is NOT your fault. You might want to start with some simple *daily *affirmations in addition to your counseling. 
*I am worthy of love 
I am a good person, I am a beautiful person
I'm a wonderful mother and partner
I deserve to be loved 
I deserve to be respected 
I deserve to have a partner who appreciates me
I deserve to have a partner who shows me love *

Also, if it hard for you to say these, maybe bringing it up with your counselor would help because that is reflected in a lack of self-esteem. Where does that come from? You might want to examine why you may possibly feel that way and continue with affirmations to help you see in time that you are worthy. Its' a change in your thoughts that can change your emotions about yourself. 

You are on the right path, just stay strong and start loving yourself, that's where the path to both forgiveness and wellness begins. And don't forget YOU ARE WORTHY OF GREATNESS!! 

PEACE, LOVE, and HAPPINESS! 
~Kristin


----------



## 4mylittleones (Feb 8, 2011)

827Aug said:


> You probably don't want to hear this, but.....count your blessings he is gone. You and your children don't need a man like this around. Keep going to counseling and group meetings.


thank you



HM3 said:


> You've done the right thing for you and your children. Keep him out of your lives. I recommend you follow the no contact rule. He is a nasty piece of work, and no one deserves to be with him.
> 
> You will go through the whole emotional rollercoaster, but keep remembering all the reasons you left him.
> 
> Take care. x


yes, i will. thank you



kristinlloyd said:


> So why did you let him back in this time?
> 
> _because my son really loves him and sees him as a father and i really hoped naively that he would be a different man._
> 
> ...



_thank you so much kristin for taking all that time to write me and ask me questions. i will print out the affirmations and fake it till i make it like they say. i truly appreciate the concern and time you took replying. thnks so much._


----------

