# Retroactive jealousy



## Arcaign (Aug 12, 2013)

Hey all, I seem to be going through a phase they call retro active jealousy.... It's a strange and uncomfortable feeling I'm really not accustomed to. I haven't felt this way towards anyone before now and was curious.... 

Anyone else out there dealing with this? If so, what steps are you taking to rid yourself of this? 

Have you gone through it before and if so how did you manage to get over it? 

Thank you in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Could you elaborate? Does your spouse share unwanted details or is it the very idea that they have a past?

In my mind these are two different issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)




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## Arcaign (Aug 12, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Could you elaborate? Does your spouse share unwanted details or is it the very idea that they have a past?
> 
> In my mind these are two different issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Combination of both I suppose. I found out she slept with a friend of hers which she says was a big mistake. But that has caused unwanted images and feelings that are a challenge to deal with.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Arcaign said:


> I found out she slept with a friend of hers which she says was a big mistake. But that has caused unwanted images and feelings that are a challenge to deal with.


Was this during your relationship with her, or before? If it was before, does she still stay in contact with this friend? You need to really elaborate or you aren't going to get answers.

If she is still in contact with this "friend" (former lover is the correct term), your jealousy is justified.


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## Arcaign (Aug 12, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Arcaign said:
> 
> 
> > I found out she slept with a friend of hers which she says was a big mistake. But that has caused unwanted images and feelings that are a challenge to deal with.
> ...


It was well before out relationship, in fact before I even knew she existed. The situation between her and her friend was the result of something that happened after a night of drinking. She was honest with me and told me about it stating it was a big mistake, that there is no attraction there whatsoever and that it causes a lot of anxiety in her when it comes up. Are they in contact.... At times but not often. She says he's a friend and that is it and nothing more. I've met him and he is a nice guy and while neither of them did anything wrong, the thought of him having his hands on her rubs me the wrong way.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Arcaign said:


> It was well before out relationship, in fact before I even knew she existed. The situation between her and her friend was the result of something that happened after a night of drinking. She was honest with me and told me about it stating it was a big mistake, that there is no attraction there whatsoever and that it causes a lot of anxiety in her when it comes up. Are they in contact.... At times but not often. She says he's a friend and that is it and nothing more. I've met him and he is a nice guy and while neither of them did anything wrong, the thought of him having his hands on her rubs me the wrong way.


Do you feel this way about her past in general, or is it this specific situation? How did the topic of this event even come up? Have you ever felt this way in past relationships?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Arcaign said:


> Are they in contact.... At times but not often. She says he's a friend and that is it and nothing more.


Doesn't sound like the behavior of a woman trying to distance herself from a regrettable ONS to me.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I think it's somewhat understandable. But, you have to rationalize that she did nothing wrong. Folks don't like to think about their spouse with someone else. Yes, we know they were, just as we ourselves had other partners. But, we don't want to THINK about it. It sounds to me like it's just this one guy you are jealous of. Have you discussed these feelings with her? Reality is, if this was drunk thing, he probably doesn't remember it very well. Heck, I don't remember the specifics of many of the girls I had sex with. I wouldn't be able to pick them out of a lineup based on body parts, that's for sure. 

Don't make a huge deal of this. Tell your wife how you feel, but don't act all jealous and needy.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Arcaign said:


> Are they in contact.... At times but not often. She says he's a friend and that is it and nothing more. I've met him and he is a nice guy and while neither of them did anything wrong, the thought of him having his hands on her rubs me the wrong way.


I think that this is your problem: She still has contact with someone she had sex with and considers him a friend. I don't think she is cheating, nor do I think that she is even considering it, now. But I'm willing to bet that subconsciously, it's triggering your jealousy. I could be wrong, but I would react that way.

There is no contact with former lovers in our marriage. Once, one reached out to my wife and I ended it quickly. Maybe you should discuss your feelings with your wife.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I agree. For the sake and protection of the marriage, she should have
no contact with him at all. Ever.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Arcaign said:


> It was well before out relationship, in fact before I even knew she existed. The situation between her and her friend was the result of something that happened after a night of drinking. She was honest with me and told me about it stating it was a big mistake, that there is no attraction there whatsoever and that it causes a lot of anxiety in her when it comes up. Are they in contact.... At times but not often. She says he's a friend and that is it and nothing more. I've met him and he is a nice guy and while neither of them did anything wrong, the thought of him having his hands on her rubs me the wrong way.


What you are discussing is not "Retroactive Jealousy". What you are discussing is your legitimate concern that your wife is still in contact with an "ex". Staying in contact with any former sex partners ("ex") is a violation of most couples boundaries. If you read the infidelity threads, you will see that affair partners are often exs that the spouse claims are just "friends" that they have "no attraction" for. I am not saying that she is in an affair with this guy, but this this is why a boundary against exs as friends is so common, and your gut is telling you that something is wrong with this situation. Trust your gut, and do not let her get you to thinking that enforcing a 100% full no-contact boundary with all exs (including with this guy) is jealousy, retroactive or otherwise. Again, the issue is not with you. The issue is with her poor boundaries.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Arcaine, 

It will never go away as long as the OM has ANY contact with your W, having sex with someone fundamentally changes the nature of the relationship in a irreversable way. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Call the OM up and let him know that the friendship is over and contact means war. Make what happened known to his wife too. He is not a nice guy if he is invading your marriage with contact.

Tamat


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Call the OM up and let him know that the friendship is over and contact means war. Make what happened known to his wife too. He is not a nice guy if he is invading your marriage with contact.
> 
> Tamat


:iagree:
I would do this (actually did do it).


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> Call the OM up and let him know that the friendship is over and contact means war. Make what happened known to his wife too. He is not a nice guy if he is invading your marriage with contact.


 He is not your spouse. I would tell her this and not him. Telling him instead of her could be viewed by him as you not trusting your wife to choose you over him when push comes to shove. This could actually be viewed by him as a sign of weakness that encourages him to pursue her even more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> He is not your spouse. I would tell her this and not him. Telling him instead of her could be viewed by him as you not trusting your wife to choose you over him when push comes to shove. This could actually be viewed by him as a sign of weakness that encourages him to pursue her even more.


Or could result in him saying to the wife: "What's with that husband of yours? He's phoning me up and accusing me of having an affair with you! Is he crazy? Have words with him. Because if his stupid and wrong-headed allegations get back to my wife, I'll get a Restraining Order on him!"

And then things will get interesting, because what the wife intended as being open and honest would be, in her interpretation, just thrown back in her face.

And misinterpreted as her husband not trusting her.

I can see why the advice to cut the friendship off has been given, but I can also see how it might have a potential to backfire really badly.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What's not clear to me is the extent of their interactions.

Does she speaks to him privately or does he just run in her social circles?

It seems like the assumption is that they have a friendship beyond being in the same circles.

OP, would you clarify? What is the nature of their friendship?

I might call a friend's hb a friend but that doesn't mean I speak to him one on one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> I might call a friend's hb a friend but that doesn't mean I speak to him one on one.


 Good point. This is one of the issues associated with remaining friends with exs. They developed their relationship with you independent of you being in a relationship with someone else. Thus the boundaries established in your relationship with them will often not include many of the normal boundaries that couples commonly have with members of the opposite sex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> Good point. This is one of the issues associated with remaining friends with exs. They developed their relationship with you independent of you being in a relationship with someone else. Thus the boundaries established in your relationship with them will often not include many of the normal boundaries that couples commonly have with members of the opposite sex.


Oh I definitely agree.....I feel that exes have zero place in a relationship.

But I've seen others in TAM say that they remain friends with exes and their spouse does the same. I guess if they're in agreement then power to them. 

I was just thinking that if this guy simply runs in their social circles it's much different then if she's maintaining a personal relationship with him. He said she was upfront about it so she's not hiding anything that he knows of, but he didn't elaborate on the nature of their relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh I definitely agree.....I feel that exes have zero place in a relationship.
> 
> But I've seen others in TAM say that they remain friends with exes and their spouse does the same. I guess if they're in agreement then power to them.
> 
> ...


Or it could even be, at least in part, when you get a Facebook reminder "It is so-and-so's birthday" so you send them a Facebook birthday greeting. Even though you haven't seen them in years.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Or it could even be, at least in part, when you get a Facebook reminder "It is so-and-so's birthday" so you send them a Facebook birthday greeting. Even though you haven't seen them in years.


For sure. I have an ex from over 20 years ago on fb.....it wasn't serious and we remained on good terms.

He got married, as did I, and we don't talk except for an occasion public post.

He's really funny and posts funny comments that I'll respond to now and again.

Beyond that there's nothing. When I see his picture I feel nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lifeistooshort,

*You wrote, For sure. I have an ex from over 20 years ago on fb.....it wasn't serious and we remained on good terms.

He got married, as did I, and we don't talk except for an occasion public post.*

And your current H or SO knows the details of your former relationship and has approved, or did you tell your H he is just an old friend. And does the W of this old friend have the same understanding?

Tamat


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Call the OM up and let him know that the friendship is over and contact means war. Make what happened known to his wife too. He is not a nice guy if he is invading your marriage with contact.
> 
> Tamat


What a terrible idea.

He has no place calling up a friend of hers and telling him not to contact her anymore simply because they had a ONS long before he even MET her. 

If he did this she would be in her right mind to be furious maybe to the point of never even being able to completely forgive him or trust him, and it's going to cause further problems because he obviously doesn't trust her and her ability to handle the situation on her own to the satisfaction of both of them.

How about "Honey your past relationship with this man bothers me because it creates unwanted mind movies of the two of you together- I know it's ridiculous but it's there.. so anyway would it be too much to ask that you cut off contact with him?"

At least give her the opportunity to do what is necessary to make things better for the guy she supposedly loves and is committed to rather than sticking a knife in her back because of your irrational insecurities.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

browser said:


> What a terrible idea.
> 
> He has no place calling up a friend of hers and telling him not to contact her anymore simply because they had a ONS long before he even MET her.
> 
> ...


*Repeated for truth.*

Where is all this nonsense calling him "OM" coming from? He's an old friend of the OPs wife and *many years ago*, the two crossed the friendship line after too much booze and realized they make better friends than romantic partners. How in the hell does that make him an "OM?" Unreal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Repeated for truth.*
> 
> Where is all this nonsense calling him "OM" coming from? He's an old friend of the OPs wife and *many years ago*, the two crossed the friendship line after too much booze and realized they make better friends than romantic partners. How in the hell does that make him an "OM?" Unreal.


Are we getting a whiff of someone who might be an insecure, jealous control freak? I do hope not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> He's really funny and posts funny comments that I'll respond to now and again.
> 
> Beyond that there's nothing. When I see his picture I feel nothing.


Then what is the point? There's nothing. You feel nothing. Seriously. Tell me the point. If your husband was "just exchanging on FB to an ex, they're really funny", you'd be OK with that would you?

Which leads us to this.



browser said:


> What a terrible idea.
> 
> He has no place calling up a friend of hers and telling him not to contact her anymore simply because they had a ONS long before he even MET her.
> 
> ...





She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Repeated for truth.*
> 
> Where is all this nonsense calling him "OM" coming from? He's an old friend of the OPs wife and *many years ago*, the two crossed the friendship line after too much booze and realized they make better friends than romantic partners. How in the hell does that make him an "OM?" Unreal.


Correct. Not the OM at all. He's not an friend either. They fvcked. Try putting the old "I had a ONS with her in the past but now she's just a friend" past the average woman.

YEAH, RIGHT.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TAM2013 said:


> Then what is the point? There's nothing. You feel nothing. Seriously. Tell me the point. If your husband was "just exchanging on FB to an ex, they're really funny", you'd be OK with that would you?
> 
> Which leads us to this.
> 
> ...


How do you know my hb doesn't have a couple of exes from many years ago on FB?

News flash: he does.

And we don't "exchange" anything.....every now and then I chuckle at a funny comment he has 50 other comments on. 

Geez, if that's enough to make you crazy I feel sorry for you. 

I don't feel much for most of my FB friends.....many are people I knew in high school. I wasn't aware that an intimate connection was required to be on fb.....good thing you schooled me. I apparently have way more intimate connections then I realized.

I deal with my ex hb way more.....we have kids. My hb should probably freak out about that because ex hb will say something funny sometimes and I laugh. Laughing must mean something.

And I deal with my hb's ex wife.....a much bigger pita then a couple of women from 20 years ago that he sees a comment on now and again. I'll make sure to throw a tantrum next time she says something that makes my hb laugh....because once again laughing means you're involved.

Fortunately hb and I don't get much involved in each others fb pages. That's not a way I care to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Of course he has. Now you're equal. Well done both of you.

Sharing kids with an ex is the exception we all know about.

I feel sorry for you if you're crazy enough to befriend people you've got history with on Facebook, but then I feel sorry for anyone who uses Facebook.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> She chats to an ex FB/ONS. She's not trustworthy.


She chats occasionally with a guy she is friends with, with whom she once had a ONS before she even met her husband. Period. Doesn't make her untrustworthy. At least not to a husband who is secure with himself and his marriage. 



browser said:


> ]How about "Honey your past relationship with this man bothers me because it creates unwanted mind movies of the two of you together- I know it's ridiculous but it's there.. so anyway would it be too much to ask that you cut off contact with him?"
> 
> 
> TAM2013 said:
> ...


I said "discuss your concerns with your wife and give her the opportunity to assuage your fears by cutting contact with this person". I guess you could say he is asking that she respect his wishes and his fears, but not "begging for respect". 

At least give her the opportunity to do what is necessary to make things better for the guy she supposedly loves and is committed to rather than sticking a knife in her back because of your irrational insecurities.



TAM2013 said:


> He's sticking a knife in her back because she chats to an ex FB/ONS? God help us.


Assuming what we know of this situation to be true and complete, if he was to contact the guy and say "Don't communicate with my wife!" he would be (metaphorically of course) sticking a knife in his wife's back, absolutely yes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TAM2013 said:


> Of course he has. Now you're equal. Well done both of you.
> 
> Sharing kids with an ex is the exception we all know about.
> 
> I feel sorry for you if you're crazy enough to befriend people you've got history with on Facebook, but then I feel sorry for anyone who uses Facebook.


I'm guessing your marriage isn't very happy.

That's unfortunate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

browser said:


> At least not to a husband who is secure with himself and his marriage.


Depends on your definition of secure. I think you'll find being truly secure means you don't need to drag people you've had a connection with in the past around with you. It takes more guts to move on. To give everything to the person you've chosen. If it doesn't work out, find new connections. Because you know you can and you're secure enough to do so. That's true confidence.



lifeistooshort said:


> I'm guessing your marriage isn't very happy.
> 
> That's unfortunate.[/size]


Never married.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

You must be real fun at parties. No one is allowed to laugh at jokes made by the opposite sex.

Do all the men hang out in the billiards room and the women hang out in the parlor?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Strange (not) just feminized men and women oppose.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TAM2013 said:


> Strange (not) just feminized men and women oppose.


Stranger than marriage advice from someone who's never been married?

Almost as bad as child rearing advice from people who've never had kids.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Brower,

You wrote, *Assuming what we know of this situation to be true and complete, if he was to contact the guy and say "Don't communicate with my wife!" he would be (metaphorically of course) sticking a knife in his wife's back, absolutely yes. *

Were it my W a former sex partner regularly contacting my W would be an affront to me which cannot be suffered. I said to expose and confront the OM only as a first and kindest step. 

If the contact is so innocent than perhaps the OMs wife and whomever should have no problem being told the history. 

Then there is the other issue in that the OMs views this woman as a potential sex partner since he already had sex with her. The woman is apparently out of the OMs league, and I've seen this many times, this fact will keep a man longing for years and decades.

In no way is this an ordinary friendship.

Tamat


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

OP you say they aren't in regular contact, I'd assume you mean when they see each other it's with their spouses and other friends ie. in a social setting. Not ALONE. Do they text each other a lot or send lots of messages via FB or other apps? No? 
IMO you are feeling the way you are because you have seemingly only recently found out that they had a past, you really don't have much of a choice but to just deal with it. If you don't and you take out your own insecure feelings on your wife you will harm your marriage and push her away.
This past of hers has nothing to do with your relationship with your wife and as long as she is being totally honest and respectful of you, sounds like you have nothing to be worried about. Please take the harsh 'something is wrong here' replies with a pinch of salt, I don't think you have a problem, only be wary of yourself.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> Strange (not) just feminized men and women oppose.


Yes of course a guy such as myself who disagrees with you is "feminized". 

You really sound like a guy who knows what he's talking about. 

It's too bad you didn't run for President it would have been a landslide.


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