# Not Getting Better



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Hi everyone. I've been checking this sight out for a few days now. A lot of familiar stories here. Thought I'd get some input from you guys.

My situation is this. Been married 11 years, 2 kids 7 yr old girl and 3yr old boy. My wife and I are basically roommates at this point. We do have sex about once a week, but I always have to initiate and after about 3 nights of failed attempts she "does her duty." 

The sex is always the same. She lubes up with KY, I masturbate her to climax, and then penetration. She keeps her head turned to the side and eyes closed the whole time. If I kiss her she will return but never seeks it out herself.

We do not sleep in the same bed. No affection is shown. We do not kiss at all outside of sex. No cuddling, no I love yous.

I've told her I need these things. I need her to iniate intimacy. The first time I told her this(3 years ago), she did one time. If I try to bring it up again she just tells me that's all I think about.

We almost never fight. Generally like each other. But, I need more than a roommate.

I am considering seperation. Really don't want to put anymore effort in. The only thing stopping me is the kids. I want to be there for them, and don't want to screw them up. 

I've actually begun an experiment. I am giving her until the end of Feb to initiate something. As I write this it has already been 2 weeks with no intimacy. I refuse to iniate during this period. At the end of February, if she hasn't. I will probably start working to leave.

Am I just being a whiny ass?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Why wait until the end of the month?

Be honest and tell her you're thinking about leaving because you cam't see spending the rest of your life in a marriage with no intimacy


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

just_about_done said:


> Hi everyone. I've been checking this sight out for a few days now. A lot of familiar stories here. Thought I'd get some input from you guys.
> 
> My situation is this. Been married 11 years, 2 kids 7 yr old girl and 3yr old boy. My wife and I are basically roommates at this point. We do have sex about once a week, but I always have to initiate and after about 3 nights of failed attempts she "does her duty."
> 
> ...




Your not being a whiny arse, it natural to want intimacy from your wife. 

I have to ask...was she always like this? If not then her attraction for you may be gone or going. Any red flags on a possible affair?  If you can rule that out you may want to lay off showing intimacy with her and work on making yourself more attractive to her. I know it sucks that you have to do this but you guys have been together a long time and its natural for one or both of you to lose attraction. 

I suggest reading married mans sex guide by Anthol Kay. Don't tell her you are reading it. 


By the way, who has a higher sex rank in the marriage. Meaning are you a 6 and she may be a 7 on a scale of 1-10?

Be honest, we won't judge you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

just_about_done said:


> I've actually begun an experiment. I am giving her until the end of Feb to initiate something. As I write this it has already been 2 weeks with no intimacy. I refuse to iniate during this period. At the end of February, if she hasn't. I will probably start working to leave.


You've set up an experiment without informing her of the rules or that it is even going on? Really think about that. You've rigged the game for failure. Sexless marriage, been there done that. Until you really communicate with her what your needs/wants are she will not do anything other than the minimum. Get the book "The 5 Love Languages" and read it, then have her read it. Usually when I hear the word roommates it indicates a disconnect in this area.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Why wait until the end of the month?
> 
> Be honest and tell her you're thinking about leaving because you cam't see spending the rest of your life in a marriage with no intimacy


He has tried that. Works for a little while and back to same olde. 

IMHO, if you make yourself more attractive to her you won't have to have a talk with her. It will come natural. 

I truly believe what Anthol writes in that book. Woman are sexual, but they need to be attracted to their husband. 

If you are certain she is not having an affair, work on making her want you. 

Any more info will help. How old is she, what does she do for work, does she go out with friends alone?? Do you guys get to go out on dates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Wow! You guys are fast. Thank you.

Toffer - I guess it's just me putting off the inevitable. But, talking hasnt done anything and actually she just shuts down if I bring it up now.

Jerry - Yeah, she's pretty much always been this way after the infatuation stage anyway. I really don't suspect an affair. I'm not sure what sex rank is. If it's attractiveness then I'd say I'm a 7 and she's a 5(used to be higher). If drive I'm 8 and she's 4.

Amplexor - Yeah, I get what you're saying about not telling her. But the "experiment" (bad choice of words on my part i guess) is really to see if she will initiate sex and if so how long it would take. It's really not going to factor into my decision as much as it sounded.

I sometimes think she's trying to become less attractive to me. For example after Thanksgiving 2011 she started loosing weight. Around summer it was really starting to show. I complimented her on it. Told her how good she looked. Immediately stopped dieting and started eating junk again.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

LMAO, so you compliment her and she stops losing weight?!?! 

Wow, ok sex rank is something that book talks about. Usually the higher sex rank is the one who has no problem with getting sex with spouse. I assume she is mid 30's and no health problems? Does she work all day then come home and cook and take care of kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

She's 39. Does clerical work. She usually bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed. She does do most of the cleaning but it's not an every day thing. I do the dishes 2-4 times a week she does them the rest of the time. She does not cook. I help the kids with home work and feed them, because I usually get home first. She has a thyroid condition but is on medication for that and her levels are normal. She also takes antidepressants which I know can kill sex drive. Been on them for about 8 years. They were prescribed by her gyno because she was "moody". She will not consider getting off of the antidepressants.


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

jerry123 said:


> LMAO, so you compliment her and she stops losing weight?!?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that very week. She starts eating crap like toast with butter, peanut butter, syrup and jelly. Not one of the all of them. She's gained all the weight back by now.


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Ok, I'm resurecting this thread so as not to clutter the boards. 

I've read MMSLP and started running the MAP. I've lost 30 lbs, am being more decisive, and helping more around the house. Doing my own thing more. Focusing time on working out and guitar. Generally trying to find the alpha/beta balance. Before, I would say I was neither as I did minimal helping with the house and kids, and alpha just isn't my default setting. 

It's not working. I'm just not getting any thing positive from her at all. Everything I've started doing around the house has just become one more thing that I'm supposed to do. Tried being more affectionate with her, a little bit agressive, nothing. I try to initiate a kiss, I get a peck. 

But, today I think is the day I give up. 

I was going to lay down for a bit, so I said "hey, come lay down with me." and head to the bedroom. She never shows up, and I dozed off. I wake up and she's on the couch asleep. I'm getting hungry so I run to the store and pick up a frozen pizza come home and stick it in the oven. 

She wakes up and has a couple slices and says, "are you mad I didn't come lay down with you. I couldn't leave the kids alone." I said, "(the daughter) is big enough to stay in the living room by herself, she's watching TV anyway. And (our son) is taking a nap. You could have left them for a few minutes." 

After we eat I go back into the bedroom. I'm not really the napping type and actually just wanted some time with her alone. Well, 15 minutes later, I get up and she's asleep on the couch again. WTF? 

Even when I tell her exactly what I need her to do she is unwilling to do it.


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sounds to me like a classic disconnect, better get this figured out fast. Maybe read the 5 languages of love, maybe the affections your putting out aren't her cup of tea? She cant look you in the eyes during sex sent chills down my spine, be worried, be very worried, get some counseling!!


----------



## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hi Jad - any updates here?


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Nothing new. We did have sex saturday night, but I had to go get her. I think I mentioned earlier she sleeps with the kids. Thinking back I think she's (mostly) always looked away during sex. Maybe that's just what she does? I don't know. We talked about it a few weeks ago. I asked her to be a little more agressive, and she said she didn't know what to do. I gave her a few ideas but she hasn't done any of them yet. I also asked her why she doesn't look at me during, she doesn't know why. She did say that she doesn't need sex often and that's just how it is. It's been a problem for her in relationships before, aparently. 

OK, Venting time.

This morning she's late getting the kids to school. Pretty much an every day thing. I said we may need to get the kids up a little earlier, this doesn't seem to be working. So, of course, she tells me I need to help her more. I guess I could get the kids up and ready for school, cook dinner every night, help with the homework, do the dishes, and clean up the kitchen. I should also get them ready for bed and put them to bed at a reasonable hour and do the laundry too. She pretty much lets them stay up until they fall asleep on their own, and I'm still walking through piles of laundy in the hallway from this weekend. So, maybe I'm not helping enough in those areas also?

I really think I'd leave, but I don't think she could handle it alone.


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Also wanted to add, I figure she has a lot of resentment built up. She's said before that when we were first married she did every thing. Which is pretty much true. I guess it's my turn now. But, really we can't do that dance. I know I didn't do enough early on, but if she wants to continue the marriage, she needs to forgive that and live in the now. Any ideas how to get her to do that? Or am I wrong in my thinking?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If a counselor can't get you guys going in the right direction here, I wouldn't hold out hope for the 25th anniversary party


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

maybe it's time to stand your ground and separate

seemed to have woken up this wife who sounds similar to yours
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...70632-i-took-him-granted-now-hes-leaving.html


----------

