# Confused but content right now



## newnconfused42305 (Jul 15, 2012)

I am new to this and appreciate any feedback. My husband and i are 7 years apart I’m 33 and he is 40. We met when I was 17 and a senior in high school. We did long distance for 2 years while i went to business school and then i moved to the town he was living in. Lived with him there for 3 years. I was sad lonely and depressed because we worked opposite shifts and he has always made time for his friends and not me, we barely ever did anything he was always gone with his friends and yes I did tell him how i felt about this but no change. I have always been the one to take care of all the bills and household things and him not pulling his weight has always been an issue in our relationship which i have let him know. After my son was born I moved back to my hometown because of him not doing his part. He ended up following me and we got a place together both got decent jobs and i was pregnant again. We ended up getting married because thru it all we do love each other very much and I always hoped for things to get better. 
Eventually he lost his job due to a failed drug test (he was a heavy marijuana smoker) There was a point after we got married that i was working 2 jobs and he was a stay at home dad and I ended up cheating on him, It was a one night stand not an emotional affair. I know there is no justification for what i did and I am truly sorry for my actions but I was not happy with my life I had felt trapped and we never did anything together. After cheating on him he actually went and got a job the very next week and admits he felt like a louse not working. I realize that for 5 years i let him belittle me, emotionally abuse me (bringing up me cheating on him almost everyday) and also he never really did his part as a father or husband. I got depressed and just accepted the way he was treating me. I wanted us to get counseling but he insisted i had a problem not him. I basically did everything he wanted, I really didn’t go anywhere or do anything besides work or shopping or things with the kids. He started going out alot and he became an alcoholic and of course that was my fault. 
After 2 DWI's and so much money wasted and also finding flirtatious txt messages to a young female he works with and facebook issues with other females and this was going on for about a year and i never knew about it. It was time for me to take my kids and move. 

We have been separated for 10 months. He has been in an Alcoholism program clean and sober for a year and we have decided to work on our marriage. He acknowledges a lot of things that he has done wrong and even admitted to cheating on me before we got married but says that shouldn’t matter because we weren’t married yet. 

I love him very much and I want my family but I am scared I will never be happy with him or trust him or that he will ever change. After finding the facebook issues and the text messages he still continued to disrespect me. Even now he is not consistent with giving me money for the kids. Sometimes he even asks to borrow money from me. He can’t drive so when he wants the kids I bring them to him. When he gives me money it’s whenever he wants. He will ask to come over for family time and always fits his laundry in that time. I feel like I have always been a certain way with him so he expects me to be just that way. And the ball is in his court it’s all about him what he wants when he wants it. 
I have my own place with the kids I am very content right now and don’t struggle with money issues now that we are apart because I am able to budget. I have lost my job of 10 years but unemployment and 401K is seeing me through and I am going back to school in August. I must say through all this I am the most content with my life right now than I think I have ever been. I feel like separating has been a weight lifted off my shoulders.
He says I refuse to see when he does do right or I don’t see the changes in him. The only thing that has really changed is we don’t live together and he doesn’t drink anymore I am confused about whether I should just be like:
-I want you to do your own laundry somewhere else
-Pick up your kids when you want to see them and I can make sure they get home
-You must be consistent in giving me child support
-I love you but we need to work on us. The only thing we have is sex. We don’t do anything together and that is important to me.
-We also need more family time to build as a family
If he can’t do these things now why would I think it will change if we get back together? 
Should i be looking at divorce because all the signs are there. We've been together for so long It's just so hard. 
I ask for your feedback on all this because when I do talk to him about these things he states my Expectations are too high. I feel like I’ve just spoiled him like one of my children and he can’t see the light.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The things I see right now as huge red flags are his drug/alcohol addiction, his past cheating, that he is not helping consistenly with child support, not dating you but only using your for sex, not spending family time.

If he cannot drive, how would he pick up the children? How long does he take the kids for? A few hours? A few days?

do not let him talk down your expectations. Some men only grow up once they realize that they have to to keep their wife and family. 

The fact that he down plays his cheating when you are living together is problematic. Seems he's good at making excuses for himself.

Sounds like you are doing well now.

Perhaps it's time you cut off his free sex and free laundry. Set your standards higher, not lower. We teach people how to treat us. 

You might also want to start looking at filing for either a legal separation or divorce. I'm not sure what benefit there is for you in this current arrangement.


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## newnconfused42305 (Jul 15, 2012)

-We live in a small town and he has access to the bus or a cab. The kids spending time with him is important to me so this isnt so much an issue just convenient for him for me to drop them off and pick up. 
- Actually my daughter does not even like to go to her dads because he is not clean and she does not like his place. (I keep a clean house and that is what shes use to). So she only sees him when we drop off her brother or when he comes over.
- He works nights and has to attend 4 AA meetings a week so he only gets our son 1 night a week to stay the night.

-Bottom line is I make things convenient for him. I do realize I need to set my standards higher and accept if he cant deal with my change then we are not meant to be. I think that is the hardest part because I dont think he will change to be the family man/husband that i need.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Trust your gut on this one.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

If there is one thing I've learned the hard way, it is this:

Don't let anyone dictate the height of your expectations, especially someone who has consistently failed to live up to even the most basic ones.


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