# Competing with another man for my wife



## SAJ (Jun 21, 2018)

My wife and I have been separated for just over a year. We are not divorced and haven’t started the divorce process at all. We have gone back to square one and have been dating for the past couple months. We have children together, so we have been seeing each other regularly over the last year. 

It has been hard to start over, but it has been going well. I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over. My wife could have seen people as well, but I didn’t expect her to and didn’t ask her about it. Yesterday I saw a text on her phone that said, “Good morning my love, sorry I got in late from work!”. Her phone was locked so I only saw what was previewed on the lock screen. 

If we are trying to fix our marriage, am I correct to expect that neither of us see others? I have not seen another woman in months. I am focused on my wife (a little late, I know). I am also extremely jealous that she’s seeing someone else. I honestly didn’t expect her to. I knew she could, and at some point would, but I didn’t think it would be now. I don’t want someone calling her “my love”. Who even says that?

I obviously need to talk to her, but before I go into that conversation, am I in the wrong now? Is it ok for her to be seeing someone else while we try and repair our marriage? When we started working things out, I told her right away that I wasn't seeing anyone else and had ended all previous relations. She didn't mention anyone. She has been doing her hair more lately and having her nails done regularly, I thought it was for me yet now I think I may have been mistaken. She has also had flowers regularly, I commented on them being nice but she has never said they were from someone else, I’m betting they are. We both have the intent to try to repair our marriage, so why would she see someone else? That isn’t going to help. 

I can’t stop thinking about who the bloke is, and I want to punch a man I have never met in the face. For the record, the separation was my (stupid) idea. We’ve been together for 10 years (less a year for separation) and my wife did not want to separate.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can't work on a marriage with other people in it. 

Not sure what your background is but it sounds like you either cheated or separated to date other women so your wife followed suit.

You have no rights at this time other than to take yourself out of the equation.

Sounds like you had "grass is greener syndrome" now another man has stepped in and taken your place.

Not sure if I'm correct or not but your post is kind of vague.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SAJ said:


> My wife and I have been separated for just over a year. We are not divorced and haven’t started the divorce process at all. We have gone back to square one and have been dating for the past couple months. We have children together, so we have been seeing each other regularly over the last year.
> 
> It has been hard to start over, but it has been going well. I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over. My wife could have seen people as well, but I didn’t expect her to and didn’t ask her about it. Yesterday I saw a text on her phone that said, “Good morning my love, sorry I got in late from work!”. Her phone was locked so I only saw what was previewed on the lock screen.
> 
> ...


Don't just move on and have a better life. She found someone else because she didn't have any intention of saving your marriage. You are her fall back. Again just move on your life will thank you for it.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

If it were me I would remove myself from the situation. It would be intolerable for me but with the situation as you describe it it seems as if she’s the one allowing you a second chance so is the one in control. You have no say in this matter but have the right to not tolerate it by walking away.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now you've discovered the problem with separation -- other people in the picture. Sounds like you dated for awhile right after the separation and then decided you wanted to R. The problem is you didn't consider she might have something going on too and she may not be 100% ready to give him up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you want to reconcile this it takes 2. You can't have someone else in the mix.

Sounds like this was your fault but the principle is still the same.

If you can't work on the marriage together file and move on. 

If not you'll both just wallow in this.


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## SAJ (Jun 21, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Now you've discovered the problem with separation -- other people in the picture. Sounds like you dated for awhile right after the separation and then decided you wanted to R. The problem is you didn't consider she might have something going on too and she may not be 100% ready to give him up.


I worry about my wife not wanting to "give him up". That sentence feels so wrong. She's _my_ wife. She should be with _me_. Now I understand how my wife was feeling when I was seeing other women. One of our major problems in our marriage was that I wasn't affectionate or romantic and didn't pay attention to my wife. Even though I am trying to change that, how am I supposed to compete with someone else.


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## SAJ (Jun 21, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> You can't work on a marriage with other people in it.
> 
> Not sure what your background is but it sounds like you either cheated or separated to date other women so your wife followed suit.
> 
> ...


I need to talk to her and ask what is going on. 

I didn't cheat. In short, we had problems in our marriage, that were mostly caused by my inability to show my wife any affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement. I couldn't see it and blamed my wife for everything. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and left. The grass wasn't greener. Maybe hers is...


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## SAJ (Jun 21, 2018)

What I figured. We can't fix a marriage with someone else in it. She seemed in it just as much as I am. I guess I was wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Are you sure this isn't just the shock of seeing her with someone else? I mean you separated and dated other women. That doesn't sound like a guy all broken up about losing his marriage. Now all of the sudden she is dating and you want the marriage back? I think your first priority should be to work on yourself. I think all your actions up until this point were pretty much moving on. Now finding out your fall back plan is not there you are rushing back to something you really didn't want. Let your wife move on and be happy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SAJ said:


> I worry about my wife not wanting to "give him up". That sentence feels so wrong. *She's my wife. She should be with me. Now I understand how my wife was feeling when I was seeing other women.* One of our major problems in our marriage was that I wasn't affectionate or romantic and didn't pay attention to my wife. Even though I am trying to change that, how am I supposed to compete with someone else.


You opened that door. Now you are reaping what you've sewn.

This was your fault.

If she wants to work on the marriage the other man has to go. You have to commit to her as well.

If she doesn't you'd be better off letting her go and find your own way.

If you don't you'll string yourself along and wallow in this.

You can't make her do a thing. You put her out there on her own. Why did you think would happen?

You do need to ask yourself this. Do you really want her back or is it just because she has another man in her life. If it's the latter it won't work long term anyway. You'll just repeat.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Let's see: Would I rather be with someone who is thoughtful, romantic, sends flowers and appreciates me. Or someone who wanted to separate when I didn't, who thought the grass was greener elsewhere, who didn't show affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement and blamed me for everything while hurting me as he immediately dated others?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, that's where he's put himself.

Hopefully you'll learn if not for your current wife but maybe your next relationship.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

"oh I wanted to walk out and date others but now I get to cry when she does the same and finds someone better!"

Give me a break !!!!!!

You made the bed....now sleep in it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

SAJ said:


> I need to talk to her and ask what is going on.
> 
> I didn't cheat. In short, we had problems in our marriage, that were mostly caused by my inability to show my wife any affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement. I couldn't see it and blamed my wife for everything. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and left. The grass wasn't greener. Maybe hers is...


You now have no power and no say.

Mainly because you knew you were the problem in the marriage yet you didn't want to change to make her happy when she told you what you could do to fix it.

Instead you blamed her! 

And now you say "you're trying?" When someone wants to change - they change! They don't "try". Trying gets you no results - and I'm sure your wife knows it.

You're simply not a good match. She needs more and you don't want to do things to make her happy. 

You made her your plan B and she knows it - why should she be your plan B? That's not right. She knows you came back after trying out a few women. Nothing you've done to her looks like a loving relationship. Looks like you only want her because you're lazy.

And now someone does pay attention to her and talks nice to her without prompting him. He seems nice to her.

So you tell me why she might consider you when she doesn't have to BEG someone to be kind and loving to her?


She deserves what makes her happy. Since you can't do better than to try - let her enjoy the man that makes her life nice.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you have to tell her that you are both 100% committed to repairing to marriage or your not...and tell her you saw that message and lay it on the line that you will start divorce procedures if she is not ready to commit. its pretty much black and white otherwise your marriage is crowded.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Were you interested in another gal in particular when you left your wife?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think there was someone you were eyeing off, so you separated from your wife to chase after another woman. I'm also guessing your wife knew exactly what you were doing. Honestly, a lot of grass is greener than that. 

You should just ask her straight out if she's dating anyone else and see where the conversation takes you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SAJ said:


> We have gone back to square one and have been dating for the past couple months.


 Dating including sex, or not? 

How old are your children?



> ... it has been going well.


What exactly do you mean by this? How are you judging it? Are you talking to each other about getting back together, or what? Or do you just mean, no unpleasantness?



> I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over.


Does your wife know this?



> Yesterday I saw a text on her phone that said, “Good morning my love, sorry I got in late from work!”. Her phone was locked so I only saw what was previewed on the lock screen.


Best to forget you even saw that. It's kind of irrelevant. 



> If we are trying to fix our marriage, am I correct to expect that neither of us see others?


*That's a question you need to discuss with her.* Like Breeze said below.



> I obviously need to talk to her, but before I go into that conversation, am I in the wrong now?


Yes you obviously need to talk to her. It's not going to help if you start telling her she's in the wrong, or making demands. 



> Is it ok for her to be seeing someone else while we try and repair our marriage?


OK with who? (And can't even be certain that she is). 



> We both have the intent to try to repair our marriage, so why would she see someone else? That isn’t going to help.


 We could say the same about your separating. It's not going to be useful to point fingers. That would seal your fate, I think.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SAJ said:


> I need to talk to her and ask what is going on.
> 
> I didn't cheat. In short, we had problems in our marriage, that were mostly caused by my inability to show my wife any affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement. I couldn't see it and blamed my wife for everything. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and left. The grass wasn't greener. Maybe hers is...


*You answered your own qustion!

Now it's time to move on, unless your inclined to live in a cuckold relationship with her!

She gave up on you, making you her Plan B. Time to wash your hands of this mess, and to seek divorce.

Never put yourself in the position of having to compete with anyone else for the love of a spouse! You will lose every time!*


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Let's see: Would I rather be with someone who is thoughtful, romantic, sends flowers and appreciates me. Or someone who wanted to separate when I didn't, who thought the grass was greener elsewhere, who didn't show affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement and blamed me for everything while hurting me as he immediately dated others?


Yes this, I was too stupid to even try to understand that I was an ignorant clod, I took my wife for granted, I separated, banged a few chicks, and NOW...

I am upset that she has replaced me with someone better than me. 

Really? Do you even begin to understand how silly your original post is? 

Dude, get some therapy, read some books, file for divorce and move on...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may be too late. Or she really may want to get back with you -- but maybe not just yet. Time will tell. 

I never recommend separation for this reason. Divorce first so you are both free. If at some point you want to try again after you divorce then try. But separating and dating while still married and then trying to R often leads to resentment. And that's where you are now. 

You're angry at the man she's seeing because you think of her as "my wife". But that's not the life she's lived for a year even though that was the life she wanted. And she hasn't had that life because you made the choice to separate. Whether it's true or not, it looks like you tried out the field for almost a year and have now decided that what you had before was better and you want that back. 

But she may not completely agree right now. She may be enjoying two men who want to be with her. And that's the consequence for your decision to separate. If you want her back you'll have to wait and see if she really wants you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IMHO when someone exits the relationship (ie a separation) and there is no formal, mutual agreement to not see other people, then as far as I am concerned it's hardball and anything goes and if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. 

She's a grown woman who's husband moved out and openly dated other women so as far as I am concerned she can date and bang whoever she wants. I am not really going to listen to you whine about your feelings getting hurt or wondering how she could do such a thing or that it's not fair blah blah blah. Take that up with your shrink or spiritual advisor. 

Now that being said, regardless of what water has already passed under the bridge thus far, I do think you have the right to draw a line in the sand and ask her to be all-in or all-out in regards to reconciling the marriage or throwing in the towel and moving forward with a divorce. 

If you yourself are willing to abide by that, I think you have the right to ask for that. 

If she agrees then you can mutually come up with how the reconciliation is going to go and what each of your boundaries and such are. 

If she does not agree, then you have your answer and you can proceed with the divorce. 

You have the right to give it an all-in attempt by both people. 

And you have the right to throw in the towel if she does not agree to those terms. 

But you don't have the right to whine and moan and make claims that she is "my wife" when you exited the marital home and began dating other women. You tore up your spouse card at that point.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She needs gifts and thoughtfulness to feel loved.

You have stated that you never once bought her a gift or flowers because it seems like a waste of money.

Changing that mindset doesn't just happen. Seriously, do you think you're magically going to become the man that goes out twice a week to look for a $50-$100 gift to make your wife happy? 

My exH always bought me fresh flowers every week. You know why? Because he knew if he didn't - I would! And he thought he may as well benefit from the gesture. After a while he became addicted to having fresh flowers every week - he loved it!


Why would you rob your wife of what makes her happy?

Do you wake up in the morning and figure out what you can compliment her on? Her outfit? Makeup? Cooking skills? Or just kind words of encouragement?

IF you can't make sure that every single day you're doing these things for her - then don't bother.

There are plenty of menwilling to be kind, buy gifts, flowers and to take trips with her.


If you still view those things as a waste of mo eh/time/energy then please divorce her now.

If you haven't been doing them since she was thinking of taking you back - then you missed your window of opportunity to PROVE you're changing.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SAJ said:


> What I figured. We can't fix a marriage with someone else in it. She seemed in it just as much as I am. I guess I was wrong.


As close as you can remember, what were her words when she said she wanted to try and work on the marriage? Did she sound wishy washy? Was she smiling and happy? Has she called to schedule another date or talk about life's little things and her ambitions?


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> IMHO when someone exits the relationship (ie a separation) and there is no formal, mutual agreement to not see other people, then as far as I am concerned it's hardball and anything goes and if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
> 
> She's a grown woman who's husband moved out and openly dated other women so as far as I am concerned she can date and bang whoever she wants. I am not really going to listen to you whine about your feelings getting hurt or wondering how she could do such a thing or that it's not fair blah blah blah. Take that up with your shrink or spiritual advisor.
> 
> ...


Hmmm, i'm wondering how OP would feel if her reply went something along the lines of "Sure, I'll be willing to commit....right after I've also banged a few guys. I'd like to see what I'm missing. So please don't file for divorce...yet"


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mrs.Sav said:


> Hmmm, i'm wondering how OP would feel if her reply went something along the lines of "Sure, I'll be willing to commit....right after I've also banged a few guys. I'd like to see what I'm missing. So please don't file for divorce...yet"


He is probably wondering that right now as well LOL


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you need to say that if she wants to make this marriage work then the other man needs to go. If she wont end it with him, then there is no point in trying. She will be half hearted about it otherwise and you will both need to be 100% focused if the marriage has any chance.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Was lack of communication an issue in your marriage? Did you and wife discuss what lead to your separation before starting to date again and decide what needed to change going forward? Mutually identify goals to work on that could lead to a successful reconciliation?
It kind of sounds like you are making life-changing decisions while flying by the seat of your pants. Perhaps she is sensing a lack of direction from you and is not ready to commit since you up and left her a year ago. As it doesn't sound like you've had the 'exclusive' conversation, she might think you are still dating other women as well. She might not trust you and is waiting for you to prove to her that she is the only you want and are willing to call her 'my love', send her flowers and treat her as well as some other man is doing. But you don't know that until you actually ask her....


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

SAJ said:


> I need to talk to her and ask what is going on.
> 
> I didn't cheat. In short, we had problems in our marriage, that were mostly caused by my inability to show my wife any affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement. I couldn't see it and blamed my wife for everything. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and left. The grass wasn't greener. Maybe hers is...


I am not trying to be rude, but this reeks of passive aggressiveness and feeling sorry for yourself. You do need to talk to her but do not do it in an accusatory tone. If you didn't clarify the boundaries before you started dating, she is not doing anything wrong. You aren't the victim here and she isn't the villain, it's simply a lack of communication.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Can you please explain why it didn't work out with the womenyou dated while separated? Be specific.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If you want her, do a big rush on her. Tell her how you feel. Otherwise, let her go. I have to say though, that those old attractions that brought you together are probably still there in one form or another.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mrs.Sav said:


> Hmmm, i'm wondering how OP would feel if her reply went something along the lines of "Sure, I'll be willing to commit....right after I've also banged a few guys. I'd like to see what I'm missing. So please don't file for divorce...yet"


Yeah good one ....It could go along the lines of "In about 4 or 5 more guys I'll know what I missed....so just wait around for while."


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SAJ said:


> My wife and I have been separated for just over a year. We are not divorced and haven’t started the divorce process at all. We have gone back to square one and have been dating for the past couple months. We have children together, so we have been seeing each other regularly over the last year.
> 
> It has been hard to start over, but it has been going well. I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over. My wife could have seen people as well, but I didn’t expect her to and didn’t ask her about it. Yesterday I saw a text on her phone that said, “Good morning my love, sorry I got in late from work!”. Her phone was locked so I only saw what was previewed on the lock screen.
> 
> ...


Oh dear, YOU wanted the separation. YOU wanted to date other people. YOU made it clear to your wife YOU didn't want her. That must have been soul destroying for her. Now you want her back, tough titty!

Now, it doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot and she may be slipping away. YOU chose to stop seeing other women when you started dating. She doesn't seem to have much say in anything that happened between you and if she had any sense SHE would stop letting YOU call the shots in your current relationship.

What gives YOU the right to now want her to stop seeing other people, is it a case of wanting what you cannot have?
Why did YOU insist on separation when she didn't want it?

If my H did that to me what you did, I'd allow him about for the kids, but I wouldn't put much faith in him, YOU broke trust and once that is broken there really isn't much else to work on. 
YOU have no right to dictate, it's what YOU wanted, so you could dip your wick in other wax, well you got what you wanted, you have probably lost your wife.
I hope she finds a nice man you will not treat her like she is disposable and then demand her back, she is not a toy and you are not in the playground. Grow up!


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

SAJ said:


> My wife and I have been separated for just over a year. We are not divorced and haven’t started the divorce process at all. We have gone back to square one and have been dating for the past couple months. We have children together, so we have been seeing each other regularly over the last year.
> 
> It has been hard to start over, but it has been going well. I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over. My wife could have seen people as well, but I didn’t expect her to and didn’t ask her about it. Yesterday I saw a text on her phone that said, “Good morning my love, sorry I got in late from work!”. Her phone was locked so I only saw what was previewed on the lock screen.
> 
> ...


You are in a tough situation, but it is one that you made. You separated from your wife. You started dating other women. Now your wife is dating other men and perhaps in love with one. This seems to be totally your fault and almost perfect Karma.

You should open up to the woman you separated from. Let her know what you feel and what you are going through. You'll probably feel the sting of her rejection, but that will help bring things to closure for both of you. Or maybe she loves you and you guys can work on healing. Either way seems like a better course than hypocritically wishing violence on an innocent man who started dating an available woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SAJ said:


> I worry about my wife not wanting to "give him up". That sentence feels so wrong. She's _my_ wife. She should be with _me_. Now I understand how my wife was feeling when I was seeing other women. One of our major problems in our marriage was that I wasn't affectionate or romantic and didn't pay attention to my wife. Even though I am trying to change that, how am I supposed to compete with someone else.


Sorry bro, you lost that right when you separated from her, and decided to **** whatever else came along. 

How dare you, she is NOT your property, that ship has sailed and you messed up. You think any sane woman is going to let her POS WH stick it to other women when she didn't want a separation in the first place and then think he can simply waltz back into her life when he showed her he regards her as disposable? You really need to go and get counselling for yourself to adjust your thinking.
I hope your wife is happy getting attention from a man who cares for her.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> If you want her, do a big rush on her. Tell her how you feel. Otherwise, let her go. I have to say though, that those old attractions that brought you together are probably still there in one form or another.


I tried that and did not work she still does not want to be with me


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

SAJ said:


> I have seen other women during our separation, before my wife and I agreed to start over. My wife could have seen people as well, but I didn’t expect her to and didn’t ask her about it.



Well, ..... tit for tat then? Right?

So what's your beef?

Do unto others as you would be done by. That's how it works.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

By the way .... Changingmale, are you the same guy as SAJ?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I feel bad for your wife. You treated her horribly. Part of her probably still loves you and the fact you have kids together is HUGE.

But if she is being secretive about this other guy after you told her that you ended other relationships....what I think is this.

She is letting you back in as a confidence boost to herself. She lost you, but now she has got you back. (Whether she truly wants you back or not is a different story.) 

Long term that may not be enough. You threw her out like trash. She will probably not forget. How would that bode for a future together. You leaving her to run off with these other women? 

Another man comes along, and maybe it is too soon in the relationship to put all her eggs in his basket. She may be waiting to see how it goes with him before deciding to give you a good hard kick in the butt.

I do think she should be honest with both of you.

But maybe you have broken her?

I don't want to judge her.

She may be waiting to see if you make a big play to sweep her off her feet. I don't know how long you two have been reconciling, but you are still married. If things were going well, why did you not move back in together?


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## SAJ (Jun 21, 2018)

We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much. 

I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile. 

I talked to my wife about it last night. She is seeing someone else, and wouldn’t tell me for how long. She is intimate with him, and not with me. She wants me to fight for her and prove to her that I want to be with her forever not just “for now”. 

I don’t want some **** ****ing my wife for me. He apparently knows about me and that I want her back. Just typing that someone is ****ing my wife makes me want to throw this computer across the room. He has met my kids. My wife plopped him right into my families life, were I should be. And I’m suppose to fight for her? How am I suppose to compare with a **** that she is ****ing when she won’t **** me. Around my kids more than I am. More of a priority than I am. She gave him the courtesy of knowing about me, but didn’t give me the same. Whenever she has been “busy” now I know what she was doing. She wouldn’t answer if she loves him or not, or how long she has been seeing him. She wouldn’t tell me anything about him. She changed her phone settings so texts don’t preview on the lock screen. How am I suppose to reconcile with that? I shouldn’t be fighting and competing for my own wife. I don’t even know what I’m competing against.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Your 'wife' is sleeping with another man and apparently you are the last to know. Now you know. 

She has made her choice. You both made your beds and now are sleeping in them. Yes, it was a cheap shot on her part to string you along. Oh well. Get over it. Just file for divorce and move on.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

SAJ said:


> I talked to my wife about it last night. She is seeing someone else, and wouldn’t tell me for how long. She is intimate with him, and not with me. She wants me to fight for her and prove to her that I want to be with her forever not just “for now”.


This is the marriage equivalent to "rubbing the dogs nose in it". You haven't answered a lot of questions on the relationships you pursued, how those came to be, why they stopped and what your wife knew or thought about them. But make no mistake she harbors *a lot* of anger and resentment to you. Probably some satisfaction on the tables that have turned as well. And if the other guy's already stepped into her life and still around knowing that she's entertaining reconciliation with you, then he has a reasonable idea of the outcome and it won't bode well for you. Other than memories (including the bad ones) and having kids together you've got no advantage here and few cards to play. 

Whether you deserve this treatment or not isn't the point. Take stock of what this relationship is right now and make a firm decision. Go hard and tell her in no uncertain terms to invest in you and reconcile or file for divorce and save a ton of pain and time. Only options. You won't win a drawn out "pick me" dance here.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You wanted a game .... she played it ..... you lost.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

SAJ said:


> I shouldn’t be fighting and competing for my own wife. I don’t even know what I’m competing against.


Last thing - she isn't your wife anymore. You willingly gave her up. Choices have consequences. Focus your rage and energy where where it belongs - on you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

SAJ time to move on...maybe just maybe when you file for divorce she will either wake up or then you are out of her life. either way it sucks but your the one who moved out..so you only have yourself to blame...but don't let her dictate the rules now...she obviously is intimate with him so she has feelings for, the fact you does not put out for you tells you everything.

PS her comment about fighting for her is BS, how can you fight for someone when they are having sex with someone else. Move on


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is only going through the motions of trying to reconcile with you so that she can tell herself that she did "everything she could" to try and make it work. She is very clearly done with your marriage, take the hint and end it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SAJ said:


> I worry about my wife not wanting to "give him up". That sentence feels so wrong. She's _my_ wife. She should be with _me_. Now I understand how my wife was feeling when I was seeing other women. One of our major problems in our marriage was that I wasn't affectionate or romantic and didn't pay attention to my wife. Even though I am trying to change that, how am I supposed to compete with someone else.


No, when you became separated and dated other women, you ended the wife thing.

And you can’t compete with some new guy. They’re new and you’re old hat. Impossible.

My advice: move on.

I just reread and saw that you wanted the separation, your wife didn’t. You started dating other women, then apparently your wife gave up and started dating and “being intimate” with another man.

There is nothing to work with here.
Your wife is lying to you now, in order to keep you as option b.

I don’t know the reason you wanted to separate, but YOU are to blame for losing your wife totally. It’s not the end of the world, there’s other women you can love.

But it is the end of your marriage. It will never be how it was, even if she decided to come back to you. 

My advice is the same, move on and find a woman you’d never leave.
But you will be forced to live this. Your wife ain’t coming back.
She’s lying about there being any chance of reconciling with you. 
She’s with another man. Clearly.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Dude, you caused this. Man I hate to be so harsh with you, but you are not listening to what everyone is telling you. 

You are completely clueless. Dude, she is stringing you along and she has been and you kind of deserve it. 

Man, please have some balls and file for divorce already. You lost OK? 

You wanted to screw around, and you took her for granted and another mule is kicking in your barn.

I don't understand that you don't understand? 

Get a grip, you lost. She is gone. 

Have a little self respect and file for divorce already. 

BTW, she has been screwing him for A WHILE. That is why she would not tell you. Way longer than you expect. 

Listen, you need to just end this, and start new. Maybe you can learn some lessons along the way. 

And one more thing, if you are going to play hard ball, where a mask and a cup.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SAJ said:


> I talked to my wife about it last night. She is seeing someone else, and wouldn’t tell me for how long. She is intimate with him, and not with me. She wants me to fight for her and prove to her that I want to be with her forever not just “for now” (This is a total BS line from her).
> 
> I don’t want some **** ****ing my wife for me. He apparently knows about me and that I want her back. Just typing that someone is ****ing my wife makes me want to throw this computer across the room. He has met my kids. My wife plopped him right into my families life, were I should be. And I’m suppose to fight for her? How am I suppose to compare with a **** that she is ****ing when she won’t **** me. Around my kids more than I am. More of a priority than I am. She gave him the courtesy of knowing about me, but didn’t give me the same. Whenever she has been “busy” now I know what she was doing. She wouldn’t answer if she loves him or not, or how long she has been seeing him. She wouldn’t tell me anything about him. She changed her phone settings so texts don’t preview on the lock screen. How am I suppose to reconcile with that? I shouldn’t be fighting and competing for my own wife (agreed. you should respect her choice to move on). I don’t even know what I’m competing against.


The only chance you have to get what you want is to walk away. Tell her you'd love to be with her and keep your family together but you aren't going to compete for her attention while she's with someone else. Then you go and file for D and see what happens. Either it will be the motivation for her to focus on you and keeping the family together...or she won't care. If she doesn't care then you just saved yourself a year of being her backup plan and can take the time time heal and move on with your life. 

However, realize that you are not likely going to win this one. She is probably going to choose the new guy over you and you need to be OK with that because each person in the relationship gets to make their own decision. If you both want to reconcile then it can happen, but if one isn't committed then the other can't convince them to change their mind. Her behavior of not telling you about the new guy, answering any questions about him, and introducing him to your kids are all signs that she's moved on and isn't coming back.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients was exactly in this position. He called the other guy out. Beat the living daylights out of him. Then told his wife to go to hell. Told her that she was shytte for stringing him along. In one fall swoop he had determined that she was cake eating, destroyed her relationship and then filed. She was left in the detritus, and started screaming that he left her with nothing. He said that she separated, and she had been playing mind games, and really did not know what she wanted, so he made the decision for her. Oh, and one last thing, he let her entire family and all of their friends know what she is doing, and as expected, nobody was talking to her. She curses every breath he takes, but all she has left is a dead end job and an apartment.

Even her wing girl, who helped with her post sep relationship, turned her back. Anger and depression are her constant companions. Her ex? I set him up with another client. I admit that I am screwing with his ex’s head. This new girl is a knockout and makes his ex look like she should be chasing her tail. The ex tried reporting me to my partners. My business partner is a no nonsense, earth mother type Italian woman. She told her where to go and how to get there.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SAJ said:


> I need to talk to her and ask what is going on.
> 
> I didn't cheat. In short, we had problems in our marriage, that were mostly caused by my inability to show my wife any affection, romance, attention, love or acknowledgement. I couldn't see it and blamed my wife for everything. I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and left. The grass wasn't greener. Maybe hers is...


So just to recap, you basically treated her like **** while you were married - showed her no love, support or kindness, blamed her for everything wrong in this world including world hunger and global warming, and then decided to leave her because you figured there were all kinds of hot babes lining up out there* just *to have a chance with the splendor that is you.

Sadly, you've since discovered that you don't like cooking your own meals, scrubbing your own toilets, cleaning your own place and doing your own laundry, and that having a wife to do all that for you wasn't such a bad deal after all. Plus, the single life didn't quite turn out to be the Shangri-La you thought it would be, and all those 'babes' you managed to attract weren't exactly the 10's you thought were all lining up out there waiting for you, but merely fairly respectable 5's and lower.

So now, the wife ain't looking so bad to you. 

What makes you think she just *started* dating this guy? She's likely been seeing him for a while now and chose not to share that with you. Hell, you STILL wouldn't know if you hadn't stuck your nose in her phone.

So ... what did we _learn_?

That you get what you *give*. You treated your wife like an option - one that you opted out of. The roles have now been reversed and YOU'RE the option. And it sounds as though she may be on her way to opting out of _you_.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Now that you know that she is banging some other dude, do you really want her back, even if she is willing to commit to you and only you? Right now? Or this next Summer when she says she has had her share of flings with other men? 

You really need to do some soul searching and figure out if you will truly want her back...knowing what you know.

If you still do, I'd tell her if she won't stop, then you are done with her and file. You won't be "fighting for her" under those conditions...

No man with any self-respect would fight for a WIFE who is sleeping in another man's bed every night? You just look like, and I am being mild here...a DOORMAT.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP:

Talk to your wife. Tell her what you told us. You are trying to reconcile and that can't be done if she is with another man. 

Expect that she will tell you some version of "No, I won't give him up. If you make me chose, I'm not choosing you." Perhaps if you hear it from her mouth, you will believe it and begin to move on.

You're in a position that many find themselves in. You spent years slowly killing your wife's love for you. She hung in there, perhaps past the point of no return. Reasons for this are often fear, habit, loyalty...it really doesn't matter. Just know that it is likely that the relationship was already irreparably damaged before you left. Your leaving and banging other women was merely the final blow.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> OP:
> 
> 
> You're in a position that many find themselves in. *You spent years slowly killing your wife's love for you*. She hung in there, perhaps past the point of no return. Reasons for this are often fear, habit, loyalty...it really doesn't matter. Just know that it is likely that the relationship was already irreparably damaged before you left. Your leaving and banging other women was merely the final blow.


Now... in OP's defense, he didn't spell out what was going on in their relationship before the separation or what prompted it. Not that it really matters at this point, other than to give us a clearer picture of the situation. The end result is the same either way, that she is DONE. 

I had a friend who did this, was going through a fake reconciliation with her husband while banging another guy behind his back. (she cheated with a first guy, that's why they were where they were!) She knew damn good and well that she didn't want to be with him, but went through this big charade of going to MC with him for some reason. She should have just been honest from the start that she wanted a divorce.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like she doesn't trust you and isn't willing to be exclusive unless and until she does.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Now... in OP's defense, he didn't spell out what was going on in their relationship before the separation or what prompted it. Not that it really matters at this point, other than to give us a clearer picture of the situation. The end result is the same either way, that she is DONE.


I'm taking him at his word:




SAJ said:


> I worry about my wife not wanting to "give him up". That sentence feels so wrong. She's _my_ wife. She should be with _me_. Now I understand how my wife was feeling when I was seeing other women. *One of our major problems in our marriage was that I wasn't affectionate or romantic and didn't pay attention to my wife.* Even though I am trying to change that, how am I supposed to compete with someone else.


Withholding affection is a very reliable tactic for destroying a relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to go no contact for awhile and see if she reaches out to you. When she does tell her you thought you were working on reconciliation and had no idea she was stringing you along while banging her boyfriend.

Tell your you are filing for divorce and equal custody. How old are your kids? 

If it were me I would get a PInto find out who the other man is. He might be a mutual acquaintance, coworker, friend of yours etc.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

By the way, how often have you been seeing her. She is playing you if there really s a boyfriend. She may be stringing you along for revenge.

Either way what she is doing is tantamount to cheating simply because she led you on to believing she was reconciling and moving back in. 

Look up the 180 and live it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

You are correct to assume that if you and she are giving it your all and trying again to make your relationship work, that neither of you are to see others.

That being said, if things don't work out, you have zero right to be jealous of her seeing other men, or of another man calling her his love. If you see others, she can too.

You need to talk to her and figure out where things are going. If you're going to try for the marriage, then you both need to be in 100%. If not, cut your losses, go your separate ways, and be happy. Also be happy for her if each other when you each find someone to make you happy.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> You need to go no contact for awhile and see if she reaches out to you. When she does tell her you thought you were working on reconciliation and had no idea she was stringing you along while banging her boyfriend.
> 
> Tell your you are filing for divorce and equal custody. How old are your kids?
> 
> If it were me I would get a PInto find out who the other man is. He might be a mutual acquaintance, coworker, friend of yours etc.


Good advice here

Looks like she is done.

I would act accordingly.

This isn't a "fight" you can win and isn't worth trying
because you will lose her respect if you do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SAJ said:


> I talked to my wife about it last night. She is seeing someone else, and wouldn’t tell me for how long. She is intimate with him, and not with me. *She wants me to fight for her and prove to her that I want to be with her forever not just “for now”. *


Here's the thing...

Her vagina will not wear out if another man 'borrows it' for a short while.

You gave it up. She gave it out. That is her right.

If she is willing to come back if you fight for her, then I suspect her stand-by, stand-up penis did not do it for her.
He was a pleasant diversion, far from the lonely place you left her at.

You left an attractive women unfilled.
On Earth nature says, "Where a vacuum exists, mass is always ready to rush in".
In the case of a women about six inches rush in.

If you love her, truly love her, I would fight for her but only if she is willing to give the marriage another try.
And only if she is willing to give the other man up.

I would say absolutely nothing to her about the other man if she gives him up.
If she gives him up, you are the better man, in her mind.

Do not play games with her.
Let her let the other man down gently if she chooses this.

You need to communicate this clearly to her:

You love her.
You want her back.
You were wrong, not her.

She must give up the other man.

If she cannot make up her mind, make it up for her....again.
Say goodbye again, file for divorce.



Just Sayin'




[THRD]


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Not only did you with hold affection but you blamed her.

No gifts or flowers ever in your marriage?

Your wife will have a very hard time thinking you will ever do things differently.

If you want things to change - YOU must change the way you participate! Is it uncomfortable for someone like you? Yes! But if you want your wife back you need to do everything completely different LONG TERM!

When was the last time you spoke to her with loving words? Words of encouragement? 


How many kids do you have and what ages? How often do you take them to spend time with you? Do they stay overnight with you?


Please answer questions people ask!!! The questions are relevant and need answering!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why didn't things work out with the women you dated? Be specific.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is not the outcome Saj wanted.
This is not the response [from us] that he wanted.

You can't always get what you want.
Yes, that song and dance.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You smashed your marriage up.

Now you realise that was a daft thing to do and you are trying to put it back together with Araldite or Bostic.

I think marital counselling might be of potential benefit here.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> You smashed your marriage up.
> 
> Now you realise that was a daft thing to do and you are trying to put it back together with Araldite or Bostic.
> 
> I think marital counselling might be of potential benefit here.


Matt, seriously, do you really believe this or are you just trying to be nice? 

Really, everyone here sees that his wife is stringing him along and she is gone, and it is all his fault?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

SAJ said:


> I talked to my wife about it last night. She is seeing someone else, and wouldn’t tell me for how long. She is intimate with him, and not with me. She wants me to fight for her and prove to her that I want to be with her forever not just “for now”.


She doesn't trust you as you left her and immediately dated other women. Sounds pretty logical to me that she isn't going all in with you right away, given your history. 



SAJ said:


> I don’t want some **** ****ing my wife for me. He apparently knows about me and that I want her back. Just typing that someone is ****ing my wife makes me want to throw this computer across the room. He has met my kids.


Did you introduce anyone you dated to the kids? 



SAJ said:


> My wife plopped him right into my families life, were I should be.


You left the spot up for grabs.



SAJ said:


> And I’m suppose to fight for her?


Yes, if you really want her back.



SAJ said:


> How am I suppose to compare with a **** that she is ****ing when she won’t **** me. Around my kids more than I am. More of a priority than I am. She gave him the courtesy of knowing about me, but didn’t give me the same. Whenever she has been “busy” now I know what she was doing. She wouldn’t answer if she loves him or not, or how long she has been seeing him. She wouldn’t tell me anything about him. She changed her phone settings so texts don’t preview on the lock screen. How am I suppose to reconcile with that? I shouldn’t be fighting and competing for my own wife. I don’t even know what I’m competing against.


You are jumping to conclusion, the fact that she's willing to consider getting back with means she isn't all in with the new guy. Don't flip your sh!t and you may have a chance at getting her back. She is not doing anything that you didn't do and you did it first. That hurt her and she wants you to prove it's different this time.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Violet28 said:


> She doesn't trust you as you left her and immediately dated other women. Sounds pretty logical to me that she isn't going all in with you right away, given your history.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with much of that. Personally though, I would never fight for someone if they were dating someone else, but I can see why she would think that might be an acceptable option to give him.

What I see here is a woman who likes that her wayward husband wants her back but hasn't acknowledged to herself that she doesn't actually want him back. Hence, her actions are leading her to a path that ultimately gives her what she wants: satisfaction from him constantly acknowledging he was wrong to treat her the way he did, a new relationship where she feels appreciated, and ultimately an ending to a marriage she no longer wants.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Here's what I see with OP, he jumps into big decisions with little thought. A little down the line he starts second-guessing himself and wanting what he so willingly threw away a few months before. His wife likely knows this about him as he has likely done it in other areas of his life. He is also a poor communicator, blamey and passive aggressive, again she probably knows all this. So, just when she is picking herself up off the ground and finding someone who makes her feel like everything isn't her fault, he comes back into her life and wants her drop everything based on his indecisive feeling of the week. Why should she give up what she has started to build for this? She wants proof and commitment, this takes time and she is keeping her options open while letting him prove it. He didn't value her and she wants to feel like he does. Women want a man who is solid in his feelings for them, who loves and cherishes us. The fact that she is willing to give him a chance says she's open. Whoever the other guy is, she is not committed to him. If OP gives up on her, it will just basically confirm that he is still wishy-washy and is not convinced that she's worth the fight.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Damn, let’s all beat up on the OP. 

The issue now is that the two of you decided to fix the marriage after everything that had happened. Unknown to yourself, your wife was and still is having a sexual relationship with another man that she has also introduced to your kids. 

File for divorce and go for 50/50 custody of your kids. Stop talking to that lying POS wife of your unless it has something to do with your kids. 

Talk with a lawyer and follow the advice given. Find the best lawyer in your area. 

Don’t say anything about the divorce. Let her find out about it when she is served. 

Did you screw up yes. Now you know she is gone. Don’t seat around feeling sorry for yourself, get the information you need and divorce it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

For some reason I don't see this OP suddenly becoming a man who spills his heart out to her. (That's what she wants though)

And I don't presume he's bought her a gift every day this past week. (I bet he hasn't bought one)

Even IF he starts his wifewill be wondering if he will continue doing acts of kindness/gifts long term (like 20-30 years).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Matt, seriously, do you really believe this or are you just trying to be nice?
> 
> Really, everyone here sees that his wife is stringing him along and she is gone, and it is all his fault?


I based my reply on what he told us about what he did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Again, don't. Sue for divorce and move on with you life. It wasn't nice what you did, it's not nice what she did. Water under the bridge. There is really no coming back from this. Life moves on.

Besides that BE HONEST with yourself. You didn't want your wife you wanted her as a plan B, just like how she is treating you now. Now maybe you were more upfront with everything but we don't really know that either as you have not really told the whole story. But at the end of the day you didn't want her and you were not happy in your marriage. Even if you were to have gotten her back you might have had a year or two but you STILL probably wouldn't be happy in your marriage. 

Now maybe that is the marriage or maybe that was you. I suggest you get some counseling to see if you have wanderlust, and wanting a wife that you dumped just because you can't have her has me leaning towards that being a symptom. If you do you should fix it because it will make having successful long term relationships hard. But just be honest with yourself, you didn't want your marriage when you were right in the middle of it. You still don't want it, you just don't want to lose. Having your wife as a backup makes you feel safe. But the thing is even when had her before you left whose to say that made you safe. Safety found in things and in others is an illusion. You are only safe with yourself and being strong enough to not need other people to make you feel whole. Besides you didn't lose anything you moved on. Quit with the cold feet and let your wife move on as well. Maybe she will be happy. 

Besides just because you haven't found greener grass yet doesn't mean there isn't a yard out there somewhere. But fix your wanderlust.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

How does a guy reconcile for a couple of months while his WW sees someone else? Maybe I'll never understand this one.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

OP, you are so caught up in the very notion that your wife is in another man's bed that you seem to totally gloss over your reason for kicking her out. You remind me of my ex husband. When we separated he could go to bed with as many women as he wanted to, but when I did it once....oh man! He sat in marriage counseling enraged at the thought of another man having sex with me. I was his! HOW DARE I! I filed the paperwork after that session, because I saw NO point in working things out with someone who was so utterly clueless to the pain he caused me. (I am SO glad that I did, because I found the most amazing man, and we've been together 20 years.) 

When you were sowing your oats with multiple women, did it ever once cross your mind how much it would hurt your wife? NO! (The dead giveaway was it happened with more than one woman. If you truly felt bad, you would have stopped at one, and begged your wife to forgive you.) You sound like someone who got bored, separated so you could have some fun, and realized that your marriage wasn't all that bad. You should have bought a sports car, or started golfing. It's much less damaging to a marriage. 

What, did you lovers not clean your house, cook your meals, wash your laundry, entertain your friends, raise your children, and still tell you how much they appreciate you? Did you actually have to put in some work to get them to sleep with you? Did you ever miss your wife , and how good it felt to be with the woman you love. Seriously, you didn't make a rational decision with your mind, you thought with the little head, and now you're here.

You want her back? Become the man you keep telling all of us she needs you to be. It is that simple. Realize that when married for years, sometimes sex can be boring, and you actually need to work to keep things exciting. It's easy to say all of the right things to her, but actions speak louder than words. So far your actions seem to focus on your wants, and not her needs. You had better pray the guy she is seeing isn't the man you keep saying you're trying to be to please her. If he makes her feel special and appreciated, and is satisfying in bed. What can you offer her that tops that? Painful memories, betrayal, and half-a**** effort to keep her happy? Seriously, figure out what SHE needs, and work on that and stop worrying so much about what you think she expects from you.UT

It is a little late, but: Be careful what you wish for, because in your case, you got it. Was the 'strange' worth the devastation you caused? It rarely is, and had you done a little research you would have found hundreds, if not thousands, of threads online about men (and women) who made the same mistake you have. .

Get to work, or plan on starting the divorce. You have a LOT to prove to a woman you betrayed, but profess to love.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

This post saddens me.

You say you split with your wife because you couldn't meet her needs, yet they didnt seem so out of the ordinary.
There must have been more problems in the relationship than that. 
I don't believe you just wanted sex with other women either. It was a new relationship you wanted.

What has made you come to the realisation that you love your wife now? Was it a slow realisation or did it suddenly hit you? Did you start to miss her as the novelty of new wore off?
Ironically - were you having to meet the same needs your wife wanted in the other women?

Although split and divorced couples do reunite sometimes, I don't see how your wife could ever get over the resentment and distress you caused her. How can she open her heart to you again? What if you throw her away again in the future? 

The fact that you discard her and then use words like "my wife" is too possessive for my liking. You lost the right to use that phrase as soon as you started seeing others. 
The fact that you are so jealous of her now having sex outside the relationship is telling. 
You've had your year of fun and worked out what you want. 
As your wife didn't want to split, it probably took her longer to get over it, and regain enough confidence to start dating again. 
What if your wife said she wanted a year of dating as well, to work out what or who she wanted? Would you still love her? Because that's basically what you are asking of her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


FFS, get over yourself and stop whinging, you got what you wanted, now it is not working out as you planned, you are whinging. She didn't want to separate, she didn't want you sleeping with other women. I guess far away fields are not as green as you thought they were. She owes you absolutely nothing and she is darn right to make you work for it, you blew up her world and now think that you simply can walk right back in. 
You should have thought about another man ****ing your wife before this, you should have thought about your kids etc. Too bad, I have absolutely no sympathy for you. 
You need a major attitude adjustment. YOu still have an awful level of entitlement for a man who pulled such a terrible thing on his wife. YOu should be falling at her feet, making it up to her but it seems you are not that man. Yes you should be fighting for your wife, you are lucky that she even deigns to see you or go out with you, I know I would have kicked a man like you to the kerb and moved right along.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think the problem might be the OPs use of the word "reconciling". 

The ex admits she is seeing someone else. The ex says she is waiting to see if the OP fights for her, or not. She trusts him not at all at this point. That's not reconciling. That's, she's open to spending some time with with me again after I threw her away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Form this post I’m thinking he is saying what she has been doing is the end of the reconciliation. 

The other man knows about him, thus the flowers etc. The other man has been poring on the love and affection knowing he is in a competition with her ex. She didn’t warn him and thus has been playing both against the middle.

Looks like he is done.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I just went back and read your thread from June. I also noted you did check online yesterday morning and I had been thinking you were done with this thread.

You never bought her flowers or a gift. Your reasons for this were far outside what is normal. I don’t think you came to this conclusions on your own. But it explains why your marriage was a drag.

Did your family give each other gifts? My guess is your family wasn’t affectionate or show how they loved each other. The surprising thing is you did not pick this up from others around you or see it in TV shows or movies. Your wife stuck with you anyway. But I can see why the marriage failed. 

You need to do two things no matter how things go with your wife. You are an incomplete lover. You failed your wife and probably failed in the dating pool. Get the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER and study it. It’s about attracting AND keeping your wife happy. More importantly get into individual therapy. You will know when you find a good one. Not all therapists are competent. Find one that you click with.

You have had a lack of direction and a good example to learn from. You owe it to your family and more importantly yourself to fix yourself. The last thing in the world you should want is to be such a poor example for your kids.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Is it possible that this has been going on A LOT longer than you think?

You may not have been attentive before, perhaps this guy was before... why else would he be OK being hidden?? Unless he is married.....

If so...
Is it possible she brought you back in to make him jealous and to force him to make a move? Do you know who this guy is?

Maybe she does still love you and she wants to know you are willing to “fight” for her while she is with another man like he might have been...

Are you on the same cell plans or can you access her old records from before you separated.... maybe they have been “talking” a lot longer than you have been separated...

It’s very odd that she would feel comfortable enough to expose YOUR CHILDREN to him but not be open enough that you find out only by chance.

Hell let’s face it she is with him and having an emotional affair with you.... only it appears the only enjoyment she wants from her EA with you is the pain it will cause you.


If I were you I would file and as part of it I would let both your and her partner and siblings know that although you love her deeply and thought you were both working to reconcile. Reconciliation can not occur with a 3rd party, especially a 3rd party she has been with long enough and feels strongly enough about that she has introduced him to YOUR CHILDREN’s lives. Furthermore not when she is actively sleeping with this OM and is by all measures in a monogamous with this him.

Expose Expose Expose...... level the playing field..... then if you. Want rebuild with her....


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

Did she tell you before that she wasn't seeing others or was going to stop seeing others?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SAJ

Well, I think this is pretty simple, but you and your wife find it to be very difficult when involved in the process. So the facts are that you dated before recommitting to the marriage, you don’t know if your wife did or not. Once committed to the marriage you stopped dating, your wife either continued or started. See that small problem? Now your wife won’t tell you anything and says to fight for her, truly you should have laughed out loud just as I did. Everybody has told you that you can’t reconcile with three people. So your next comment to your wife should shake her to her very core. It’s simple, I don’t want a wife who bangs others, exposes my children to someone who treats their mom as a booty call, in other words (insert wife’s name) I don’t want a ****. Then leave. Problem solved.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update SAJ?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SAJ said:


> We have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I JUST found out that she is seeing someone else. Contrary to popular belief, I did not want her back AFTER finding out about another man. I wanted her back MONTHS BEFORE finding out anyone else existed. We have not moved back in together because she doesn’t want to. It has been a year for our kids and she doesn’t want to confuse them or excite them. My wife doesn’t want to move back in together until next summer, probably. Perhaps a bit sooner, but not much.
> 
> I knew that she could see other people. I never said that she couldn’t. What I am upset about is that she is seeing someone else WHILE WE ARE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I did NOT know that she was seeing someone else until now, we have been reconciling for 2-3 months. I am not saying that she cannot see other people, I’m saying that I don’t see how that will be productive while trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


Short story is you have been fired in all aspects. I would suggest to have the D papers served and begin the process of moving on. Reason being, your W has moved on and she appears to be playing you along to "fight and win her back." That will not happen with OM filling the roll and holding flowers upon his return home.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> When you were sowing your oats with multiple women, did it ever once cross your mind how much it would hurt your wife? NO! (The dead giveaway was it happened with more than one woman. If you truly felt bad, you would have stopped at one, and begged your wife to forgive you.) You sound like someone who got bored, separated so you could have some fun, and realized that your marriage wasn't all that bad. You should have bought a sports car, or started golfing. It's much less damaging to a marriage.
> 
> What, did you lovers not clean your house, cook your meals, wash your laundry, entertain your friends, raise your children, and still tell you how much they appreciate you? Did you actually have to put in some work to get them to sleep with you? Did you ever miss your wife , and how good it felt to be with the woman you love. Seriously, you didn't make a rational decision with your mind, you thought with the little head, and now you're here.


Were you and I separated at birth? Our posts in this thread are eerily similar. 



> So far your actions seem to focus on your wants, and not her needs.


Every single thing the OP has said has been about HIM and what HE wants.

Personally, I think his wife is *VERY* wise to keep her options open. I think she's just placating the OP and pretending to consider reconciling with him in order to appease her *children *who like most kids, would prefer their parents together. That's why she's likely put off a move-in date for the OP for such a LONG time - because she doesn't want the OP back. Come on, this ain't rocket science, folks. I'm sure she's also rolling her eyes at his little hissy fit because he thought he could get separated, screw whatever women would actually _have_ him, but expected _her_ to sit in the dark every single night, crying into her beer and wishing he'd come back to her. 

I guess the OP's delicate ego can't stand the fact that not only was she *not* sitting in the dark like Glenn Close and turning a lamp on and off over and over and over while chanting his name, but she's been out having fun and enjoying being with someone who actually treats her the way she should be treated. For the first time in a LONG, LONG time. And yup, I'm also willing to bet the sex is a lot better for her with this guy because it's usually ALWAYS more intense with someone who treats you with love and respect and has great desire for you. And it's a hell of a lot better than sex with someone who mostly shows you disrespect, disdain, and indifference - like the OP had shown his wife for many years.

Why on earth the OP thinks he deserves a do-over after years of **** treatment - and then leaving her to go date other women - is beyond me. She doesn't owe him squat. If I were her, I couldn't sign those divorce papers *FAST* enough.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> If I were her, I couldn't sign those divorce papers *FAST* enough.


 But would you be ****ing someone else before you were divorced?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Now... in OP's defense, he didn't spell out what was going on in their relationship before the separation or what prompted it. Not that it really matters at this point, other than to give us a clearer picture of the situation. The end result is the same either way, that she is DONE.
> 
> I had a friend who did this, was going through a fake reconciliation with her husband while banging another guy behind his back. (she cheated with a first guy, that's why they were where they were!) She knew damn good and well that she didn't want to be with him, but went through this big charade of going to MC with him for some reason. She should have just been honest from the start that she wanted a divorce.


Well, if you go back and look at his history from his other thread months ago - it may give you a small idea why she was unhappy in the marriage.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

SAJ, I posted a suggestion elsewhere, and its this: Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It really helps.


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