# Wife Wants a Divorce I Don't Want



## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

This is a going to be a long post from start to finish of my whole situation.

I dated my wife for 5 years before I proposed to her, we are newly weds and when I say that I mean NEWLY weds. We got into a fight over text messages for gods sake!! It's spiraled out of control and I could have stopped it at any point and I was the main cause of it to begin with which is what makes me feel so awful... During this fight it got to a point to her saying if I keep it up it will lead to a divorce and I was at work and mad so I said of you want to go then go and I came home from work at the shipyard at 11 P.M and all her belonging were gone and needless to say I was devistated...
It happened the 20th of November. I asked her if I could talk to her in person that night and she said yes I apologized and asked for another chance and she denied me that and says she wants to go thru with a divorce. I spilled my heart out to her thru text because she didn't want to see me or talk to me. I did that and sent flowers and everything all up until thanksgiving and she still kept saying no to my second chance so I stopped.

I now have signed out set of papers and waiting for the next set which I guess are the main ones and I DO NOT want it. The last time I talked to her was in text December 13th and I brought it up and she says what we had is broken and can't be mended and she is tired of me not caring. So at this point I'm sure she has it pinned in her mind I'm an awful person and just an a$$hole. She just doesn't seem to be in any interest in fixing us or giving it thought.

I started talking to another girl because it gets my mind off of her, it's not because I am trying to go behind her back or anything but I want to be prepared if she doesn't want to come back and I'm not wanting to put my life on hold while she goes about wanting this divorce. She someone found out and when she called me she sounded like she was about to cry and she ended up getting mad which I don't blame her but its not me movig on because I can assure you I cannot.

I've just decided to stop trying to have any contact with my wife, it just bugs me to do so evaluate I feel as if she will feel that I've given up but I'm not going to smother her anymore I've done that enough sadly to the point where I begged and pleaded for another chance.

Is there any advice that can be given to me?
By anyone's past experience do you think her mind has been made up?
I have plans to go out of state with the other girl for my Christmas break should I go thru with that?

Again I dont want to lose my wife but I have no idea what she is doing every day whether she has made up her
Mind or what and I surely don't want to put my life on hold and just think and think about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"We got into a fight over text messages for gods sake!!"

The fight was over text messages? Do you mean it was about some text messages one of you was sending? Who was sending them and to whom? Explain this fight.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Madman1 said:


> You dated her for 5 years and she wants a divorce over this, F her, go on the trip enjoy your life and move on from this immature bitcjh.
> 
> If you give in now you are handing over your testicles, you have already been too needy with her, she does not respect you.
> 
> ...


Do you know what the original fight was over?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

When I left my first h, I was very clear about filing for divorce. My ex h begged, pleaded, gave gifts, the whole nine yards. Since the damage was already done, I had emotionally checked out prior to leaving for very good reasons.

I honestly don't think you'll ever get her back. If she emotionally checked out, let her go. Find a way to move on.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> "We got into a fight over text messages for gods sake!!"
> 
> The fight was over text messages? Do you mean it was about some text messages one of you was sending? Who was sending them and to whom? Explain this fight.


The fight was over multiple things all at once thy had apparently been bothering her than she had bottled up. Such as me not spending enough time with her, me not wanting to go see her parents, and she was saying I do not love her nor appreciate her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> When I left my first h, I was very clear about filing for divorce. My ex h begged, pleaded, gave gifts, the whole nine yards. Since the damage was already done, I had emotionally checked out prior to leaving for very good reasons.
> 
> I honestly don't think you'll ever get her back. If she emotionally checked out, let her go. Find a way to move on.


I am curious, were your REASONS really valid? Also, if there was no infedility, abuse, or serious additiction, how come you could not R with him? 

If your emotionally "checked out" what could have won your heart back?


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

HiRoad said:


> I am curious, were your REASONS really valid? Also, if there was no infedility, abuse, or serious additiction, how come you could not R with him?
> 
> If your emotionally "checked out" what could have won your heart back?


That is a good question. 
I have never cheated on her never talked to another girl and never abides her or brushed her aside.
I can't administer may have taken her for granted but that could have been easily worked out. If she missed spending time with me she could have easily discussed it with me.

What can win W heart back if there's emotional damage, did you try to talk to your H or did you just have it made in your mind it was over and just gave it up?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StephenG said:


> That is a good question.
> I have never cheated on her never talked to another girl and never abides her or brushed her aside.
> I can't administer may have taken her for granted but that could have been easily worked out. If she missed spending time with me she could have easily discussed it with me.
> 
> What can win W heart back if there's emotional damage, did you try to talk to your H or did you just have it made in your mind it was over and just gave it up?


How many hours a week were the two of you spending together doing things, just the two of you?


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a week were the two of you spending together doing things, just the two of you?


We did not spend much time together I work 2nd shift at a shipyard she worked mornings at a pharmacy. I can admit and I did admit to her that Even when I was off I did not spend much quality just me and her time and I apologized and told her I would of changed it but she just says no.
She never tried to talk to me to tell me she wanted to spend time and if I was playing Xbox or watching tv id see if she was bored and she said no and everything else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StephenG said:


> We did not spend much time together I work 2nd shift at a shipyard she worked mornings at a pharmacy.


Working different shifts usually tears a marriage apart because you don’t get enough time together and your bio clocks are on different settings.



StephenG said:


> I can admit and I did admit to her that Even when I was off I did not spend much quality just me and her time and I apologized and told her I would of changed it but she just says no.


A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to maintain a passionate marriage. 



StephenG said:


> She never tried to talk to me to tell me she wanted to spend time and if I was playing Xbox or watching tv id see if she was bored and she said no and everything else.


From her point of view you chose everything but her. You stopping your games/tv just long enough to ask if she was bored probably upset her. I can see why. Her being bored was not the issue. She does not need you for entertainment.

She needs a husband who cares enough to not spend his time on games and TV when she’s around. She needs a husband who cares enough about her and the marriage to plan time with her as his first priority.. not as an afterthought between games.

There should be 2 hours or so set aside very day for the two of you. A date night weekly.

She never told you? Really she never said hey let’s do something? She never brought up dates? She was apparently stewing. And you? You thought everything was ok so you obviously did not care enough about her to spend time with her. (That’s probably her point of view.)

She was wrong to say that she wanted a divorce if she did not mean it. And you were wrong to say that she could just leave if you did not mean it.

You have a small chance of saving this. Do not talk to her. The fact that she got upset when you taked to some other woman makes me think that she wants you to some something to save her from her hard headedness over all of this. (By the way she is right that if the things that were wrong are not fixed it’s better for the two of you is split now and save the aggravation of years of fighting and then brining children into it.)

Write her a letter. That way she cannot interrupt you change the topic. This way you can say what you need to say.

Tell her that you love her and you now realize that you were wrong. That you are willing to do what it takes to fix things. Maybe even send her copies of the books linked to in my signature block below for buildings a passionate marriage. You get copies as well and read them. 

Tell her that this is the first big fight the two of you have ever had. It’s wrong to run at the first sign of trouble. It’s wrong to break up a marriage over things that can be fixed. Tell her that you do not want the divorce.

When you get divorce papers to sign, wait till the very last minute to sign them. Draw the divorce out if you want to buy more time. If you have an attorney, have him/her file papers that continue things. Hinder the fast progression of the divorce. Ask your attorney how to do this without driving the costs sky high.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Working different shifts usually tears a marriage apart because you don’t get enough time together and your bio clocks are on different settings.
> 
> 
> A couple has to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things to maintain a passionate marriage.
> ...


Thank you for your insight Ele, it's really a big help.

I really can admit I wasn't putting her first like I should have and I learned the saying "You don't know what you got until it's gone" the hard way and hopefully not too late.

She never threw it at me that she wanted to do more together things. I mean every other weekend we would go out bowling with my parents, not long before the day she left we just got back from a getaway at Pensacola, FL.

She is very stubborn, the night I talked o her face to face (same night she moved out) she said "it can be my stubbornness that makes me not want to try".

I have told her I realize that I was in the wrong I admited to everything I did and I told her I realize it and that I was sorry and I could understand her point of views. After everything I told her I would change it, I would give her the man and the time with me we had when we first fell in love. EVERYTHING she said she missed I told ehr she could have that back, I told her I would give her a date night once a week and we could do what we used to. We could sit around and watch Netflix all day and have the best of time, we'd wrestle, we'd play, we'd laugh. I miss those times and it's heartbreaking to think I may not get that ever again.

As for the letter I think it would be good, we were together when I had to go to a military school away for 9 months no contact but letters. 
When should I write the letter? My last contact was December 13th and even a text talk during that she said "what we have is broken and can't be mended".
Just seems that anything I say she isn't willing to give it a try or wanting to fix it so I just don't know

I do want to buy as much time with the divorce as possible to give her time to think. We have no attorneys or anything it's just between the two of us.


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know what the original fight was over?


No  sorry
Ok I'm deleting that post, thanks!


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## DDGresham1 (Dec 15, 2012)

Ok, so HE is supposed to spend two hours a day entertaining her? By the time I get off of work, walk the dog, take out the trash, cook or help with dinner and clean up etc I'm too friggin tired to entertain someone for two hours. Where is HER responsibility in coming up with ideas from quality time? Sorry but she has just as much of a responsibility for quality time as he does.


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## joege18 (Dec 16, 2012)

No matter how much you may want to fight the divorce, you're just going to make yourself look worse in the eyes of the court by avoiding the papers/forms. Just go through the motions and look for a good deam in the marital settlement agreement.


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## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Agree with everything she ask and ignore her . Make sure she knows you're avoiding her .


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

All I intend to do at this point is the 180.
When she gives me the papers I will sign them, she has had time to think about it all by now and if she still hands me the papers then I'm going to know that'll be my closure and it will be time to "attempt" to move on.

Last Valentines day I got her a dozen pink roses and replaced one with a fake pink rose and on her card I put "I will love you until the last rose dies"...
If she gives me the papers I figured I will buy a dozen pink roses and on the card "I will love you until the last rose dies" but this time there will be no fake rose.

Possible long, even more depressing coping period may be awaiting for me in the near future, may as well start living day to day thinking the worst to prepare myself for it...


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