# Its BLAH.. on so many levels



## gma39 (Sep 21, 2011)

I came here to lurk and see if I could find folks that have the similar issues that I (we) have in our "marriage" I find that lots of people do... and here is my story.

(in a nutshell). 

Me (39) him (42). Married 23 years now. 2 (affairs) me one (2004).. him one (2007). We have 5 mostly grown kids. No, we never got any therapy as we didnt have the $$ to do so, but we did try to make things work here and there. 

the problem? everything.

No trust, no love, no sex, no fun NADA. 

As an adult I am beginning to see somethings. I have intimacy issues.. not sexual.. but intimacy. At least with my H. He tells everyone our business including our children. When we filed for D in 2007, he told people stuff that was simply not true and our children too. He is not supportive.. emotionally AT ALL. or in any way except financially. He keeps a job.. works hard.. etc. That he does do. 

I am the "superwoman" I have always raised kids, kept house, kept a job, went to school, paid the bills etc. Now, I am burned out! I am tired of "doing it all" I am currently working on my nursing degree and I spent HOURS at homework.. I dont have time for life. My kids get what little I have to give. period.

He doesnt do housework.. doesnt help with kids.. basically.. and I know this sounds terrible.. he is like a welfare check! I get nothing from him. have I tried.. heck yes! But now, I am down. and guess what? lonely as all get out. I have no plans to fool around, but I realize that in my state, its a real possibility. NOT that I want to, I just realize I am ripe for the pickin.

So why am I here? Well, we get along.. "ok" we dont have much to fight about because we rarely talk. But I am not in love with him in any fashion. NONE. I have been trying to keep the peace because they kids are almost gone.. my last kids 16, 17 and 18.. I figured I could "hang it out" but I feel that really? I should move on. Blah. 

Thanks for listening.. I guess I just need to vent now and again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you rarely talk...talk
If you haven't worked through past issues...start now
If you are going to cheat...don't (as you can see, it solved nothing for either of you).

Staying or going--big decision to make.

What do YOU want to do??


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## gma39 (Sep 21, 2011)

I want to leave.. but I dont want to freak the kids out.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

gma39 said:


> I want to leave.. but I dont want to freak the kids out.


Then have a conversation with them about what's happening. They're not oblivious to what's going on. Trust.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do you think the kids would be freaked out. 

My wife has treated me, openly in those words, I might add, as little more than employee for a very long time. So I shut up, don't offer any information, do as I'm told, and ONLY as I'm told. If she finds that inadequate to any of her other requirements and demands, too bad. But 'fun', love or any of that other nonsense? Absurd.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

According to my computations you got married at 17. Basically a child. Then you grew up and grew apart from your husband. People change. Circumstances change. Life is just full of .... change. Children who are in their teens will NOT "freak out" that two adults who inhabit their home, and obviously don't have any real emotional connection, are parting ways.

Don't use the kids as an excuse for your apathy. It's your life. They'll learn to cope without dad (a.k.a. "the welfare check") being around. It doesn't sound like he's involved in their lives anyway.

You've raised the kids, maintained the home, got an education, and held the family together. If your husband is nothing but a body occupying space, tell him to move out. Or, if he won't move out, then you take the kids and move out.

Consider seeing an attorney soon. I believe you'll feel much better taking a proactive stance and moving towards getting on with your life ... minus hubby.


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## Num & Nummer (Sep 30, 2011)

The more I read the more I feel like I have really found people who understand. My husband and I are going through some of those same issues you mention. He does go to work everyday and he does help with taking care of our two young boys when he is home. But I do everything else. Work, finished school, clean, shop, pay bills, take kids to appointments, DMV, volunteer at the school and trying to find fulltime work. He doesn't understand why I am so tired every night and says he would love to change roles and be the one to stay home with the kids. I'M NOT HOME!! I will admit I have OCD and can't seem to relax when my house looks like a tornado hit it but no one else is going to do it.


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## gma39 (Sep 21, 2011)

Well I had a talk with the kids.. not real formal, they are actually not real happy .. they think that because they view we get along ok.. even though they know we are nto connected in anyway, that we could continue the way it is going.. ECK. So I guess thats their view. 

Umm.. I dotn view myself as treating my H with an employee mentality, but perhaps more as a umm.. friendly aqaintance? As long as I dont have to have sex with him.. or trust him with my personal thoughts, desires and daily life.. then we are ok. 

Yes.. life changes.. I just posted that on my facebook as a matter of fact...and yes we have grown apart.. I find myself wanting to just be alone.. I dont want to HAVE to DO for ANYONE for ANY reason.. at least no adult. Kids are different. I think that I have had a hard time really coming to the real conclusion that we have indeed grown apart, with lots of crap inbetween that makes it undesirable to want to be in the relationship. You are absolutely right, I have changed, grown up, got an education, got smarter, more intense, more everything. 

Life has changed, so have I and yes.. time to move it on.


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## Num & Nummer (Sep 30, 2011)

Well said! Just yesterday my H and I were talking about how we need to stop lying to each other about our marriage functioning and come to terms with the fact that we are done. We have been together since h.s. and have become total opposites. We like different things, different people, different shows, different music...EVERYTHING! It is hard to grasp the idea of being apart but I think my biggest fear is how our kids would take it. I think kids have a way of adjusting but if they can see how unhappy you are it might make them understand more. The question I often ask is what is worse....faking it for the sake of the kids and rocking their world when they find out it was all pretend...or...calling it quits and salvaging what we can while they are still young?


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## gma39 (Sep 21, 2011)

When the H and I were going through a divorce in 2007, the kids did OK.. he had them because I worked at a prison and I worked dumb hours. I was worried about leaving 5 teens alone from 3pm to 11pm nightly.. so anyway.. the kids actually have told me they wish we had stayed apart because they liked us apart.. meaning we were better people apart.. mostly anyway. Now its just a matter of getting it all figured out. 

I do believe that when people stop lying to themselves and their spouses about feelings, things may be able to change.. perhaps before they spiral totally out of control?!?


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't have kids but I was 23 when my parents divorced. I don't think you need to worry about your kids. At their age they're thinking about sex, how to get beer, and praying to get into college. They feel the disconnect - believe me. My only regret was my mom was so upset about the divorce she lost touch with herself. I wish she felt like it was a new chapter to celebrate. Teach your kids that the world is vast and beautiful. Travel is great therapy without realizing it's therapy. Best!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I wonder what his side of the story is.


did it all start down hill after you cheated on him?

your post sounds like hes to blame for everything but I find most times there fault to go around for all


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