# Painful sex, trouble getting aroused, and the pill?!



## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

Things were on the steamy side while we were dating, but we waited until we were married to actually have sex. I started taking the pill then and have ever since (1 year). 

Sex is painful. Not very painful, but I quickly realized just painful enough to not be able to enjoy it very often. Aside from that, I also can't seem to get properly aroused by anything, and I don't think that's caused by the pain issues. At the very beginning I thought there was just some lack of emotional connection, and that it hurt because I wasn't aroused because we weren't connecting the right way (ie how we were when we were dating - incidentally pre-pill). Then I started trying to get it over with and thinking I'd figure out how to fix it later. And then realized that was stupid, because when was later? So I started talking about how it hurt and what things I didn't like, and of course he's super patient about it so one major success with us is that I turned around and stopped associating pain and bad feelings with sex. But it still usually hurts anyway. 

The lack of arousal thing - my love finally told me he thinks we lack passion, which I knew, but I thought I was making him happy anyway and didn't want to bring it up because I was afraid he would think it was insulting. I don't know what to do about this. There was plenty of passion involved when we were dating. And I thought about sex a LOT. I'm not the stereotypical low sex drive female, so I was NOT expecting to be the stereotypical less-than-pleasing wife. It's frustrating to tears. What caused this to change? I used to be plenty arousable. I feel like blaming the pill, again! But that does seem a little too convenient, too easy a solution. Also we disagree about the likelihood that it's really the cause, and there's no way I'm going to alter the risk of unexpected children coming along without his full support, so it looks like I won't be quitting the pill unless a doctor suggests it or something. 

So, can either of these things, pain and lack of arousal, have anything to do with the pill? I've heard conflicting arguments about it. 

And either way, what else can I do about it?? While arousal is an issue, I definitely WANT sex. And then when we start I always frustrate my husband by never being really ready for it because I'm not very arousable, and I end up being boring and frustrating and often experiencing discomfort or pain. Sometimes it's an incredible experience anyway, but very difficult and I have a feeling it could be a lot better.

And what could be actually causing the pain?? I found a description of vulvar vestibulitis, but I wonder if I'm just paranoid. I even read that it is more common in women that take the pill. 

Augh. Adviiiice pleeeease.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

1st step, talk to your doctor.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There's a long history of the pill causing diminished libido. 

Because it messes with your hormones it can also cause vaginal dryness, even when you're aroused. A good quality lubricant might help with the pain if it's related to dryness.

I highly recommend you talk to your doctor. There are a number of birth control options available these days. The trick will be finding one that works for you without causing unpleasant side effects. You could try Nuvaring, Mirena, or injections (I forget the brand name), and I think there's still a product that gets implanted just under the skin of the inner arm that lasts for years. Non-hormonal options include Paraguard, spermicidal films, foams, jellies, even male or female condoms. Also, people talk about "the pill" as if there's only one that everyone gets, but there are literally dozens of formulations, dosages, and brands. One of them might be a better fit for you than your current one. Only your doctor can help you figure out which method works best for you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

The pill and lack of arousal (low libido) are well-known to be linked.

Pain, no I've never heard of that.

My advice as well would be to go to a doctor. That said, maybe it also wouldn't hurt to delve into your past and see if something else might be causing you to associate pain and sex. Any history of abuse, etc.? You don't say you were a virgin either, so if you weren't a virgin when you started having sex with your husband, did you have any pain with previous partners (if there were any)?

I know this isn't answering your question, but just as a sidebar, there is other options you can do to keep the passion in your relationship that don't involve vaginal sex. Oral sex, toys, etc. can also help fill the void and give you non-painful sexual relations with your husband until you maybe find a solution to your problem.


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

Well it seems like other hormonal birth control options tend to be worse, and less controllabe. I like having a little pill that I could stop taking if anything goes wrong. It's also very low dose. I don't want anything implanted because of the lack of control involved and risk of infection. And if I think the hormones are messing me up now, the last thing I want to try is a shot of hormones that lasts three years.  Is there anything non-hormonal and non-invasive that has good effectiveness?

I do have an appointment in a week to refill birth control so I can talk to a doctor about it then. I'm a little nervous to bring up the pain thing though, because the last doctor I asked about that just said dryness could be the issue and suggested things to increase moisture. I've tried that.  I'm afraid she'll just dismiss it. I don't know how to make her take it seriously, or what she could do about it anyway.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you refuse to leave the doctors office until she/he gives you something to try that you've never tried before, that might work. Don't let the doctor dismiss it, demand a solution, or an option to try at least.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you're feeling bad and so frustrated. I feel your pain. 

I had this exact problem on the pill and the patch. Something in most hormone-based contraceptives blocks the testosterone from its receptors. It's been a long time since I read that article, but I know what I experienced. Norplant, depo-provera, and Mirena all have hormones in them. 

I experienced a lack of arousal and wetness,and delayed orgasm, even no completion sometimes. It felt like I had no passion for my SO!! 

No matter what you and your SO try to increase passion, I would guess that your results are going to be inconsistent and frustrating because success will be infrequent and either of you could throw in the towel because it seems like too much work. 

Changing to a non-hormonal contraceptive seems to me to be the easiest choice. It may take up to three months for your body to be clear of the hormones. At the same time, still work on the passion. That combo could lead to an explosive good time and draw you two closer together. 

And I agree with other poster, insist that your doctor get you something else. There are some old school MD's that don't believe that the pill reduces libido, and if you have one of those, get a new obstetrician. 
Sorry if I seem overly opinionated, but my original OB practically laughed at me when I told her of my struggles with the pill and patch. I got a second opinion, and lo and behold, my passion returned.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What kind of pain are you experiencing? That could be a lot of different things from infections to PCOS to simple lack of lubrication (which can be addressed by using lube). Or is he thrusting too hard and hitting your cervix?

How about oral sex? Does that hurt?

And what about masturbation? Are you able to get aroused and give yourself an orgasm by yourself? Is there any pain?

You can try going off the pill for a while and see if your libido bounces back. Just use condoms in the meantime until you figure out if the pill is the culprit.

And get a new doctor if the one you're seeing isn't taking your concerns about pain seriously.


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

Lets see, to answer a previous question, I was a virgin, but no bleeding or anything special the first time. I was just surprised that I didn't seem to feel much and thought there was something wrong with me.  The pain is like scraping or sometimes stinging near the opening on the inside. Oral sex isn't painful but usually too intense for me anyway. I don't think I have an infection, or at least didn't last time I was checked out. Extra lubrication helps but doesn't always fix it... and most lube itches. I'm fine masturbating with no pain. I know what it feels like when he hits my cervix too hard, it's not that. What is PCOS?

I like the non-hormonal birth control idea, but is there anything that's non-invasive with similar effectiveness? I think even just using condoms is less effective, and I'm not sure he would be willing to try that for an extended period of time. So if there was something else non-hormonal that actually worked well that would be cool.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Does it hurt with condoms? Because if that doesn't hurt, he might not have an option.

I'm thinking (and I'm just thinking aloud, by no means am I doctor or anything) that you may have a very think lining in the vaginal and the pain might come from small tears that form during sex, combined with a bit of a dryness issue. It'd explain why lube helps, but isn't always effective and also can explain the itching if it gets into a cut. You can have small tears without blood being noticable. 

Why is oral sex so intense? Maybe a dulling agent (like what men use on their penis to delay orgasm) could help with that?


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## alaskanrose (Sep 25, 2012)

I think it's too intense because of not being properly aroused most of the time, so the touch is just too much for me. And I have issues giving him oral, too, just to be all around frustrating for him. I have a weak stomach and cant handle the taste. And a strong gag reflex. I will do it with condoms but he doesnt enjoy it that way. Maybe theres some tasty lube I could be buying.

Maybe it could be small tears, its always in about the same spot though and seems to be aggrevated by friction, not pressure. So I'd think tears would have gotten better by now. I seem pretty lumpy inside not exactly thin anywhere... dont know how that compares to normal.

We havent used condoms much so I dont remember exactly, but one time it didn't hurt at all we had a condom. he doesnt like them though. Are female condoms just as bad for guys who dont like regular ones?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Replace the pill with a condom plus a diaphragm. 

I have read legions of stories on here about the pill killing a woman's desire. 

If your H doesn't want to try this, I would be surprised. The timing was not a coincidence.


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## coreyallenl (Sep 26, 2012)

highly recommend you talk to your doctor.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

alaskanrose said:


> I think it's too intense because of not being properly aroused most of the time, so the touch is just too much for me. And I have issues giving him oral, too, just to be all around frustrating for him. I have a weak stomach and cant handle the taste. And a strong gag reflex. I will do it with condoms but he doesnt enjoy it that way. Maybe theres some tasty lube I could be buying.
> 
> Maybe it could be small tears, its always in about the same spot though and seems to be aggrevated by friction, not pressure. So I'd think tears would have gotten better by now. I seem pretty lumpy inside not exactly thin anywhere... dont know how that compares to normal.
> 
> We havent used condoms much so I dont remember exactly, but one time it didn't hurt at all we had a condom. he doesnt like them though. Are female condoms just as bad for guys who dont like regular ones?


Tears can heal and then come back the very next time and just keep repeating. I don't think it's a spot whbere the skin can callous up or something, so if tearing is occurring, it's likely something that won't just go away.

I think you need to talk to your husband about a compromise here. A condom sucks, I get that as I'm in a situation now where I don't have to wear them after years of doing so, but if my choice was between wearing a condom or hurting my wife, I'm wearing the condom.

That said, maybe the better option for now, until you get a handle on the issue, is to work on becoming comfortable with oral sex. I assume when you say you can't handle the taste, you're referring to his ejaculate, which can be avoid if you don't let him finish in your mouth. I know, not nearly as sexy, but it's a starting point and something you can work from. Additionally, maybe spend some time finding out what you need to get 'warmed up' as you put it towards him giving you oral sex.


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