# Not even plan B



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

In regards to affairs, I have come to realize during my own R with my WS that one of the hardest things to accept is that, at least for the duration of the Affair (and it makes no difference if it's a ONS, PA or EA) the BS is NOT in second place, but actually in THIRD place, behind the selfish WS and the OM/OW. What do you all think about this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't think that's really going to help many BS's, to think of it like that. Most BS's need a BOOST in self esteem, not a kick.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

good point and even 3rd place is in doubt in many cases.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I thought i was in a close second or tied for first...but I agree...in retrospect I think i was 5th..and fourth was TBD.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think it matters. I don't really care what place I would be in. I would have to care about the opinion of someone who had allowed themself to be coming vile stupid loathsome human being. I do not care what vile stupid loathsome people think.
I think their opinion is far more interesting when they have snapped out of it and seeing how truly ugly they are. 
If they never do snap out of it, I can never see caring how a disease ridden Slug rates me.
Cheers!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Plan B?

As far as WS is concerned, BS doesn't exist. The fantasy and thrill takes them to a higher plane than the one we live in, they just vanish.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> Plan B?
> 
> As far as WS is concerned, BS doesn't exist. The fantasy and thrill takes them to a higher plane than the one we live in, they just vanish.[/QUO
> Compartmentalization. I agree. Cheaters still suck sh!t and I could care less about what poor excuse for thoughts goes through their rat brain while banging someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I don't think that is the case

I mean there are WS that really are there just for the sex, so the OM/OW is not even a specific person, it can be easily replaced, while they have at home a loyal partner who they don't want to lose, who fill all their emotional needs, in their own selfish world their BS is still their number one in importance (number 2 if you count their selfish acts as putting themselves as number one).

I have read of many cases where the WS don't mind totally destroying the life of the OM/OW while lying to convince the BS that they were not cheating (for example raising false rape charges, or putting a restriction orders for harrasment to fool the BS that nothing happened between them, and 
trying the AP as delusional stalker).


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I wasn't part of any plan. I was ignored completely.

Glad to be out.


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## btdt (Nov 19, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> I thought i was in a close second or tied for first...but I agree...in retrospect I think i was 5th..and fourth was TBD.


Well, in the immortal words of Ricky Bobby "if you're not first, you're last."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> In regards to affairs, I have come to realize during my own R with my WS that one of the hardest things to accept is that, at least for the duration of the Affair (and it makes no difference if it's a ONS, PA or EA) the BS is NOT in second place, but actually in THIRD place, behind the selfish WS and the OM/OW. What do you all think about this?


I take it that you and your ex-wife aren't back together anymore...

What happened?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Rookie I read about your separation, is a shame, I thought your storie of reconcilation was one with a really promising future.

I hope you the best in your life.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I wasn't part of any plan. I was ignored completely.
> 
> Glad to be out.


Same here. [email protected] left me homeless and took it all.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't think that's really going to help many BS's, to think of it like that. Most BS's need a BOOST in self esteem, not a kick.


I respectfully disagree. I think some of the BS's here need a "swift kick in the pants". 

And Rookie is right


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Not even plan Z.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

At the time of the affair I disappeared from the list.
Sadly even our kids almost did too.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't think that's really going to help many BS's, to think of it like that. Most BS's need a BOOST in self esteem, not a kick.


You're wrong, Hope, in order for the BS to be able to boost their own self esteem, they must first face the facts. Minimizing, TT ing, and rug sweeping may give the BS a temporary boost, but it will not last, if the fundamental issues are not addressed. This is one of those issues.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I take it that you and your ex-wife aren't back together anymore...
> 
> What happened?


We split up, because I'm not in love with her any more. Nothing to do with the affair, it's just that I have moved in a different direction.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Actually , this is one of those nagging issues that can stop reconciliation dead in it's tracks. The BS needs to accept that he or she was toe jam, during the affair, but also realize that it isn't their fault. The WS needs to admit to their selfishness and disrespect of their spouse, and find a way to put the BS in the #1 position....and prove it. Tough on both parties, don't you agree?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Acabado said:


> At the time of the affair I disappeared from the list.
> Sadly even our kids almost did too.


Sucks pretty bad, doesn't it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I went back and re-read some of your earlier posts. How is your wife taking all this new development? You had mentioned at some point your wife was remorseful and continued to show she loved you after the divorce.

How or what is she doing now? And how are your kids and extended family dealing with the current situation?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I don't think my WW had any plan, a, b or c. If she did she wouldn't have got caught. She told me she just went with the flow and didn't think about what she was doing to our marriage or what it would do to me. One day at a time. The addicts oath: "I'll quit tomorrow!".


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Rookie4 said:


> Sucks pretty bad, doesn't it.


You split up because you don't love her anymore or because you couldn't get over the betrayal? You posts seem to point to the latter.

Many say here the opposite of love is indifference. You don't seem indifferent.

Why did you try to reconcile after two years?


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> I don't think my WW had any plan, a, b or c. QUOTE]
> 
> I think they live/think in the moment-like dogs do-in a fog, yes but not what's going to happen (plan a, b etc or consquences but what they're benefitting from on in that moment.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> We split up, because I'm not in love with her any more. Nothing to do with the affair, it's just that I have moved in a different direction.


I'm sorry to hear that. I was one of the many that was hoping it would have worked out.

I know in my case, my ex had me listed somewhere under the kitty litter box. I really think what she ended up doing to me was what destroyed the person she was. And she's, for the most part, been unhappy ever since.

What they throw away, what they throw away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I really didn't care what my WW plan was for me. 

I was my own plan A and she could take it or leave it.

It was this kind of thinking that got us into trouble in the first place, but then again it was this kind of thinking that got *me* out of this infidelity mess.

After years of discussion (after d-day) it is very clear that Mrs. the-guy never really had a plan for me, the marriage, the family, or her self.

It was this mind set that drove her self distructive behavior. Kind of like " phuck the marriage I'll pay the price for friendship by having sex with strange men who want me...even if they only want sex, at least they want something from me"....

In the end it was time to make a plan...for both of us (both WW & BS) to save the marriage.

I think 23 years ago I never planned on slapping her around and she didn't plan on sleeping around. It wasn't until 23 years laters the we actually thought about a plan for each other.

So in short, how could I really be a Plan B when my old lady never had a plan to start with?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> You split up because you don't love her anymore or because you couldn't get over the betrayal? You posts seem to point to the latter.
> 
> Many say here the opposite of love is indifference. You don't seem indifferent.
> 
> Why did you try to reconcile after two years?


It had nothing to do with the betrayal, and everything to do with the fact that we both had changed in the intervening years. She fell back in love with me, but sadly I can't say the same. I met other women who I have stronger feelings for.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I've heard from the BS's, now I'd like to hear from the WS's. How did/do you prove to your BS that he/she is plan A again?


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