# so busy biting my tongue ...probably gave him more ammo...



## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Dropped the kids off at the stbxh's place today after lunch...of course OW, stbx, OW's brother and his girlfriend were already sitting outside...ughhh. The kids needed help carrying their bags, toys, and the happy meals I got them for lunch...so I had to get out of the car to help cause you know he wasn't getting off his behind to help them carry anything. Of course he had an audience and was acting as though his arms were twisted and useless...even though he was out riding his motorcycle with no issues last weekend

I am at the point where I feel bad for OW... like I shoved my abuser into her lap and ran...even though she was involved in placing the final straw that finally pushed me to leaving and welcomed him with open arms. I feel like it's too late to press charges on past events(rape, physical abuse. smothering) without it looking vindictive and manipulative with a custody battle brewing...sick as it is, I am hoping he does something now that would warrant a restraining order so I can bring up past abuse....yet I am smart enough to avoid him as much as possible...

I want to go on a big truth telling campaign...but my therapist advised me to let the abuse go and move forward(yes I am questioning this after only 2 sessions..especially since the therapist works for the organization that runs the County's battered women's shelter) so as I looked at the OW and her brother and his GF with **** eating grins on their faces...I put down the stuff I was carrying , turned around and said bye cause the stbxh was too close to me and the thought of him touching me in any way shape or form still stirs up panic and a flee response . ....the kids ran out to hug me..and I left after hugs and kisses....to the adults I looked like a total anti-social ice queen and stbxh can turn around and say.."see how cold she is to me?!?!?"

Instead I tell my bill collectors my sob story,,,they tell me that I am a loser even after I explain that I have nothing and am lucky to have my life...but I really want to tell OW's brother or his GF that OW needs to get stbxh out of that house and get her some help..yet I don't really want to let stbxh know that I am comfortable calling what he does abuse so he goes into court a little blind instead of getting dozen's of signed statements from friends stating that he's not. 

I really regret not realizing that he was abusive sooner..his first wife tried to warn me and I believed him when he said she was just bitter, mentally unstable and to ignore her....she passed away from a bad drug interaction 5 years ago...if she was alive today..I would apologize..for letting him involve me in the abuse....the 'crazy, money hungry, ex-wife campaign' that he carried on until the day she died.

Is it bad that some times I think it would just be easier if he dropped dead...that probably would draw bad karma though and have suffered enough.

thanks for letting me ramble


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