# My husband had an EA and need advice bad



## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

My husbnd I had an EA for about 6 mos. I found out out about through snooping and the changes that I saw in him. I confronted him an he fees as though itwasn't cheating because there was no actual sex involved. He talked to her everyday and every night until the wee hrs of the morning, he sent her pics of himself, and god knows what else but she doesn't live anywhere near so it was al through the phone and internet. I told him I didn't want him to hav contact with her anymore and he said he won't I recently aked him if he still had contactwith her he swore to me that he didn't but today I find out he did so what do I do?? I can't keep tyring if he keeps lying about small things I believe that he has feelings for her and can't chose between his wife and kids or the OW need advice!!!


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## floweredteacup (Aug 12, 2009)

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!! My husband currently has at least 2 EA!! I found out just like you did, via cell phone. I bet he won't talk ,chat nor text YOU up til the wee hours like those skanks?!?! IMO, (cause I have better advice for others than myself ) since you have addressed him AND he knows that YOU know what he has been doing its time to give him an ultimatum! I lost ALL trust with my H and I will NEVER TRUST him! It will take YEARS of therapy however, I hate for anyone to go through this! It very painful and deceitful. Do what is best for you, but if he continues, IMO again if he doesn't let those skanks know they are disrespecting YOU and the family unit then he shouldn't continue to receive marriage benefits.... security,wife, home, food, etcetra, etcetra!!


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

Men that have EAs are men that are not manly enough to face any situation. I have had a husband physically cheat and when no longer with her, still want to be with her. I dont want to be second choice, or as Flowers said, make his life easier and convenient. You are as good as you allow people to treat you. You deserve to be first and only choice. And he does not deserve to have the love and affection of anyone....much less 2 women. And as Flowers said...its what you can personally tolerate. Separation, especially with children, hurts for a good bit of time. But its time that you are moving forward with your life. Staying with someone that lies and cheats isn't avoiding heartbreak....its just prolonging the inevitable and sustaining distrust and insecurity. I know the pain, the anger and the frustration. But now I see him occasionally and wonder..."What was I thinking"!! Good luck with whatever you decide to do that is best for YOU!


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

I agree with the both of u completely but I feel like a ass cuz I allow it to a certain extent and I thought we resolved this issue awhile ago and BAM!!!!!!!smack in the face yesterday my whole world could of shattered when I saw that he was still in touch so do I confront him again and see if he lies or just pack his stuff leave it outside with changed locks on the door?? I can't do this anymore but the ones that will suffer are my lil kids who just won't understand this situation and then I have another issue sometimes I think I stay and take what I take because my kids r young and my oldest will understand and be hurt she is so close to him I want to be happy too but how can I?????? I don't think I will.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

My husband did the same thing with a woman who lives in another country, but they had a sexual relationship prior to us and decided to be just friends since then. She invited us to her wedding in 2008. A few months prior to our engagement, she put a message on his FB wall commenting that she had a dream about him, thinks of him often and signed off with love. Instead of pointing any fingers I simply said that when I was pregnant (which she was at the time), I had dreams about my ex boyfriend also and later contacted him... I was in the wrong. My ex boyfriend put up the boundary as he recogized what I did not at the time. I had hoped sharing this with my now husband would help him see that she had crossed a line, but he got mad at me! Later it came out that they talked about us, and compared her husband and me and how we were both jealous and possessive... he defended her over us. 

I am sharing this as I now understand that I cant make him see it any way other than the way he sees it. Just as you cant make your husband see it any other way, nor stop him from doing something he seems to have no problem with. We are only in control of our own actions and responses to things that go on around us. 

Like the others said, it is up to you and how much you can tolerate. Its so much more comlicated that children are involved as you are drowning with thoughts of what is best for them, and how much it would hurt them.

God this is the hardest thing and contrary to public opinion in todays world, but the best medicine is to make yourself happy, love your kids and enjoy life as it is, not hope for what can be. Hoping for what can be, will kill you inside each day as it doesnt happen. Our parents generation and before that either turned blind eyes, or ignored it knowing that there was nothing they could do... divorce was not something that was jumped to like we do today. If I had to put myself in their shoes, in their generation, I would probably tell myself things like "he cant help it" or "yes, I am married to a ****, but what can I do, I will have to live with my choice." 

In the end, if you choose to saty and he chooses to continue down his path, your children will grow up and see a man who devotes little time to them and more time to others. You will be seen as the one who shose them and the "right" path. It requires tremendous strength and acceptance. It means that in the back of your mind you may have this nagging "is he still doing this?". Do you think that you can rise above it and his behavior and realize he doesnt know any better? If he did, he wouldnt be doing it.

Another stage I went through was wondering what this OW gave him over the internet that I did not. She is supermodel hot, they probably had hot sex, yes, but that wouldnt sustain years of emotional connection over the internet. It is probably the objective, undemanding "ear" that is given to them that men who do this gravitate to. Another person who "understands" and can relate is much more appealing than facing the one who knows you the best and sees faults on a daily basis... its kind of a mental vacation in their mind from the faults they know exist inside but dont want to face. He sees himself as a victim of his own worst enemy, himself, and the OW offers the beauty of delusion into seeing himself through naive and accepting eyes.

The worst part about this for the emotional cheater is that they will do it again with the next woman as soon as she sees him, the real him. So he is not cheating on you, he is really cheating on himself, a truth he doesnt want to face and deal with.

I hope this helps. If we de-romanticize our view of marriage and look at it as a partnership with another human being, we may be more able to accept all those faults as belonging solely to the other person and not get as angry with the other person who really has no true idea of why he (or she) is seeking that emotional affair.


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

TY, choose2love ur words were very helpful, I know that being a strong woman takes alot out me not eating, sleeping making myself sick over this situation cuz I want him to be away from me but not my kids and u r absolutely right about him choosing others over us I am the glue that keeps this family going and now I am in an unhappy marriage I always said no matter what I will work through anything but I cannot work through infidelity in any shape or form the trust is gone now and I can't get that back nor do I want it I believe in forgiveness but in order to forgive I must forget and I can't not right now. He really doesn't understand what he is putting me through to make such harsh decisions but the inevitable is definetely coming and I know he will do it again I just have to figure out the words to tell my daughter what the deal is w/o breaking her little heart. My heart is broken already but I can deal with that I starting to feel hate for him I gave him 13 yrs of my life, my heart and my dreams and he can just shatter all of that for a EA who understands nothing about the real him but maybe if/or when they live together then she will see and feel what I am going through and what I am feeling.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

take his damn phone away. serious. my H started getting flirty - and avoiding questions about his marital status on FB (while he was having an EA with OW). After I found out I kicked him off FB. And yes, someone else here said it. He didn't have the balls/strength to do it himself. He should have. But it took me doing that. Ultimatums, etc. Unfortunately they are necessary. And if he chooses his cell over you, then you have your answer. It might take a while, but start thinking about your exit strategy. You deserve better.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

Burned - I know I don't have all the information that you do in this situation, but I would encourage you to give this a shot if you have even an ounce of hope for your H. I have read many of your posts and have appreciated your responses on my posts. We are in similar situations. My mind set has been that this EA may have dlitued the last 13years, but if we can reconcile and get to an even better place in our relationship, 13 years will pale in comparison to the rest of our lives.

I realize you should take this with a grain of salt. I can;t pretend to know what you're situation is. I just encourage you to take a step back and think about this without the sadness, fear and anger.

Best of luck.


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

Thank u so much noona, I haven't got all the answers yet I am trying not to make snapped judgements because right now in this moment my blood is boiling so I sit back and wait to see what else he does and pretty soon he will either bury himself or have some sense and work on his marriage but only time will tell that. I give him every chance to be honest that is all I ever want is honesty everything else I can deal with but honesty means alot to me. At this point I have no trust in him or anything that he saids so if u can work on a relationship w/o trust I would like to know how?? I am still here for now but don't know how much more I can or should take.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I agree with you on the honesty part. I tell my W that she needs to be honest with me no matter how much she thinks it may hurt me. I told her that this is the time to be 100% honest. Anything that is held back in trying to protect the other person will definitely come back to haunt us 10 fold later.

I think of this time as "rock-bottom". We need to knock ourselves down to the lowest level (get everything out in the open) before we can start to build a new, deeper, love for each other.

I encourage you to talk with your H when you think he is behaving awkwardly, or if you feel he may be holding something back, etc....

I use the saying "It is what it is". If you truly want to make it work, you need to open yourself all the way up. If in the end, it doesn't work out, you have to look back and know that YOU did everything you could. That's what you will have to live with if it doesn't work out. However, the benefit to taking this risk, in my opinion and hopefully yours too, far outweighs the alternative!

Good luck, and take care!


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