# Apologizing



## katiecrna

Life is hard. Marriage is hard. We are always going to make mistakes. I think one of the best things we can learn how to do is be the best apologizer/maker upper there is. This will make marriage go a lot smoother. Yet for some reason, this is so hard for us to do.


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## katiecrna

Hint hint, never start with I'm sorry you got offended by.... 
I'm sorry that offended you.


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## bandit.45

I would agree. But pride...

Ohhhhhhhh pride.....


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## Síocháin

That only works if the apology is sincere. Most of the time with a passive aggressive spouse it is said to just get you off his/her back. It means nothing. Their actions speak louder than their words.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Síocháin said:


> That only works if the apology is sincere. Most of the time with a passive aggressive spouse it is said to just get you off his/her back. It means nothing. Their actions speak louder than their words.


Yes, live your apology... if you believe in your apology you should strive to never have to make it twice for the same thing.

That doesn't mean we won't need to from time to time, just that bettering ourselves in how we treat others, and ourselves by treating others well, is the goal.


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## peacem

I have learned with all relationships that apologies need to be met with actions - in fact actions are better than apologies. 

I apologise easy but I find changing my attitude much harder...but I do try and learn from my mistakes.


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## jb02157

I think it all depends of the person you're married to. Some wives won't accept apologies but choose instead to stay bitter.


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## Hope1964

People really do need to learn how to apologize. The words "I'm Sorry" mean SQUAT if they're followed with BUT or THAT YOU or YOU DIDN'T.

I'm sorry you didn't understand me - wtf?? Say 'I'm sorry I didn't speak clearly' or 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mumbled'.

This is one area my husband really does need some work  (in case you hadn't already figured that out) He ALWAYS say 'I'm sorry BUT..............' Drives me positively batty. And he says he's sorry for stuff that he shouldn't be sorry for all the time. Like if I get mad at a kid for something he feels the need to apologize. It's a tad bit incomprehensible to me sometimes.

I grew up having to explain what I was apologizing for. Just 'I'm Sorry' didn't cut it. And if I didn't know, I had to figure it out or stay in my room. I wish more parents (..............MIL............) had done that.

Although it does work the other way too. I've found that if he's mad at me about something and I just say I'm sorry, he calms down. I feel guilty when I do that though because I am not actually sorry about anything, I just want him to shut up.


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## Haiku




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## jb02157

Sorry about the crabs....that's hysterical


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## katiecrna

Hope1964 said:


> People really do need to learn how to apologize. The words "I'm Sorry" mean SQUAT if they're followed with BUT or THAT YOU or YOU DIDN'T.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry you didn't understand me - wtf?? .



Omgggggg!!! I can't stand the BUT. A bad apology like that is more offensive to me than no apology bc it's making excuses for their actions, justifying them, or blaming them on you. Drives me nuts.

I agree that the changed action is the best apology. 
The problem is when the person can't admit when they are wrong. This is crazy to me, so much pride and selfishness, and inability to see someone else beside yourself.


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## CharlieParker

It's also important to NOT apologize when they're not your monkeys. 

But yes, it generally goes something like "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I <insert shìtty thing>. I'm sorry I hurt you." Any issues that may have lead to <shìtty thing> should be discussed later.

ETA: bacon makes everything ok.


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## Haiku

CharlieParker said:


> It's also important to NOT apologize when they're not your monkeys.
> 
> But yes, it generally goes something like "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I <insert shìtty thing>. I'm sorry I hurt you." Any issues that may have lead to <shìtty thing> should be discussed later.
> 
> ETA: bacon makes everything ok.


I always apologize immediately after regaining consciousness and stopping my arterial bleeding. 

@katiecrna - I apologize, really I'm not joking, for the off topic post(s). Your thread makes good points.


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## Blondilocks

@Haiku, you have an interesting family life.


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## Blondilocks

There is some nonsense that says 'love means never having to say you're sorry'. WTH! Spouses need to apologize when appropriate and without prompting.


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## Yeswecan

Blondilocks said:


> There is some nonsense that says 'love means never having to say you're sorry'. WTH! Spouses need to apologize when appropriate and without prompting.


Maybe the clown who wrote that thought that love will over look anything so apologizing is not required. I'm thinking that clown is a single individual.


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## katiecrna

Or maybe love means never doing anything that requires an apology


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## Emerging Buddhist

If we were perfect, no change would occur... no growth to be had.

Loving is just a pointer... the work is on us to do.


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## katiecrna

If only everyone had that attitude. 
There are people who strive to be better. A better spouse, a kinder, move giving person, a healthier person etc. and then there are people who have the attitude of, this is who I am, I can't change, except me as I am. I work hard, I just want to relax and be comfortable.


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## Yeswecan

katiecrna said:


> Or maybe love means never doing anything that requires an apology


Could be but the real world is something all together different.


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## Emerging Buddhist

And you are that person, striving to be a better spouse, a kinder, move giving person, a healthier person... we hear it in your words and they are spoken from your heart. It's always our mind that gets in the way... hence we also strive to be mindful so that our frustrations do not grow into anxieties.

I believe in your efforts... your path promotes collected and shared growth, a very worthy one... theirs is to exist alone in the collection of their growth, shared little. Sharing is a big part of your relationship foundation, and sharing takes effort... how you meet that desire for more you do not seem to readily find will determine your calm in it.

The more aware we are, I believe the fewer apologies are needed to be.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Him apologizing for others is probably his way of expressing his empathy for you.


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## UnicornCupcake

I agree with the poster who said something about living your apology. Nothing infuriates me more than no apology is a passive aggressive apology. It doesn't hurt to apologize in public, too. A lot of mistakes end up embarrassing the other partner so a little humility never hurt nobody! "You were right," can go a long way as well.
If words suffice (it depends on the person), just make sure the words aren't clipped.
"Sorry," ain't gonna cut it.
A solid, "I'm very sorry about (insert details)."


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## katiecrna

So I was having Christmas at his parents house with the whole family. I was sitting at this table for hours eating and talking etc. my FIL was to my right, my husband was to my left. Except he got up multiple times to take a nap. I drank 2 big glasses of white wine, while also eating a ton, and drinking lots of water. I wasn't buzzed at all. My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake). My husband missed this. Driving home I was telling him about it bc it bothered me. And my husband said... really? When did this happen? I answered. Then he said that's weird bc he was offering us wine all night (which is a lie). Then he said he was probably joking and that I mis understood him. (His FIL doesn't joke, he's super serious and he doesn't drink at all). 

Anyway, this started a huge fight between us because I tried to explain to him that when I'm upset about something and I try to talk to him about it he ends up making me feel worse and not supporting me or comforting me. He was basically telling me he didn't believe me and that Its my fault bc I mis understood my FIL. It makes me mad bc he wasn't there and Right away doesn't believe me and defends them.


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## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> I would agree. But pride...
> 
> Ohhhhhhhh pride.....


*Now there's a sheer crapload of that here in Texas! 

Glad that I haven't often swilled from that vat of Kool-Aid!*


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## Lila

katiecrna said:


> My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. *And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later*. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake).


Katie 

What did your fil do/say when you ignored his comment and told the cousin you'd have another glass of wine later? 

I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband used to take 'the other side' so often that it caused me to stop sharing. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't answer simple questions about me to the therapist he (later we) was seeing. He's gotten better but I still don't trust him 100% to share readily. 

All of this to say, your husband has to recognize his behavior and choose to fix it himself. In the meantime you're going to have to fight your own battles. This means standing up for yourself to his parents. If you pi $$ them off.. oh well, too bad, so sad. 



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## katiecrna

Lila said:


> Katie
> 
> What did your fil do/say when you ignored his comment and told the cousin you'd have another glass of wine later?
> 
> I totally understand where you're coming from. My husband used to take 'the other side' so often that it caused me to stop sharing. Imagine his surprise when he couldn't answer simple questions about me to the therapist he (later we) was seeing. He's gotten better but I still don't trust him 100% to share readily.
> 
> All of this to say, your husband has to recognize his behavior and choose to fix it himself. In the meantime you're going to have to fight your own battles. This means standing up for yourself to his parents. If you pi $$ them off.. oh well, too bad, so sad.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk




After my FIL said that I said again... I will have another glass of wine later, (bc that's when I wanted it). I did stand up for myself. That's the way my FIL is and I always say something. I'm not mad at him. They are annoying for sure, and I like to vent to my husband. My problem is the lack of connection I have with my husband. He doesn't get it.


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## Lila

katiecrna said:


> After my FIL said that I said again... I will have another glass of wine later, (bc that's when I wanted it). I did stand up for myself. That's the way my FIL is and I always say something. I'm not mad at him. They are annoying for sure, and I like to vent to my husband. My problem is the lack of connection I have with my husband. He doesn't get it.


Good for you for standing up to your FIL. 

I do hope your husband figures it out before it's too late and you start disconnecting emotionally from him. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001

katiecrna said:


> So I was having Christmas at his parents house with the whole family. I was sitting at this table for hours eating and talking etc. my FIL was to my right, my husband was to my left. Except he got up multiple times to take a nap. I drank 2 big glasses of white wine, while also eating a ton, and drinking lots of water. I wasn't buzzed at all. My husbands cousin was sitting across from me (my friend) and made a joke about how the white wine is half way done, and I should have another glass. And we laughed, and I said I probably will eventually. At the same time as I said that, my strict ultra religious judgmental FIL said very curtly and with mean judgement "no! She is done drinking!". And my husbands cousin and I looked at each they like geez relax. And I stayed calm and just said to her, I probably will have another glass later. (I can't stand when people tell me what to do, I am an adult, and it's Christmas for gods sake). My husband missed this. Driving home I was telling him about it bc it bothered me. And my husband said... really? When did this happen? I answered. Then he said that's weird bc he was offering us wine all night (which is a lie). Then he said he was probably joking and that I mis understood him. (His FIL doesn't joke, he's super serious and he doesn't drink at all).
> 
> Anyway, this started a huge fight between us because I tried to explain to him that when I'm upset about something and I try to talk to him about it he ends up making me feel worse and not supporting me or comforting me. He was basically telling me he didn't believe me and that Its my fault bc I mis understood my FIL. It makes me mad bc he wasn't there and Right away doesn't believe me and defends them.


It's a bit like "I'm sorry but it's your fault".


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