# Perspective on 'overloving'



## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

I'd be really interested to hear a man's perspective on this.
I've been with my dh for 15 years, married for 13. We've had good and bad patches but the last few months have been rocky.

I had wondered whether he was having an EA as his attention moved completely from us at the start of the year. He went to a work night out a couple of months ago and came home unsure of whether he had sex with a colleague in his hotel room or not (he was too drunk to remember, she says they did and also says he asked her to have an ongoing affair). 

Since all that happened he has gone on a real fitness kick and has become incredibly obsessive about his appearance. A month later he went to another night out and planned to stay in a hotel again. I asked him not to and he ranted at me that I did not trust him. From this argument we had a discussion the day after where he told me my behaviour towards him (primarily looking after the kids and family activity, and being tired at night) had damaged our relationship and he does not know have the same feelings for me, and I do not 'meet his needs'. I have asked him if we can try and work on the relationship but he will not even contemplate spending time with me. He still wanted to have sex with me for a while but now I have to initiate it whenever we do and it does not feel like intimacy, more like scratching an itch.

I took his words as a sign for me to get my act together and have been trying really hard in all areas of our relationship. However my efforts seem to cause more irritation than anything else. Having read alot of posts on here feel I am actually overloving and need to back off. I will find that really hard- I am one of life's 'fixers' , but I am at my wits end as to what I should do.


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## h8golf (Jun 25, 2010)

I'll try to give you my perspective. I found this post by you after I read another post by you and it really made me think. Based on what you said in the other post, it sounds like you gave up your life for your kids, and didn't get much help anyway. 

In a lot of ways I fit the role of your husband. I wanted to stay connected, but the stress and general wear and tear took its toll on my wife and as a result, she has grown farther and farther away. I handle lifes troubles a bit better then her so it is hard to understand how events can affect her so badly. As her fatigue grew worse and worse, I've felt more and more rejected. I could easily say the same thing your husband said. ( but I wont). 

Then another woman hit on me pretty heavy on a daily basis and it turned my whole world upside down. it scared me and sent me on an emotional roller coaster for over a year. **Nothing happened**. Nothing. And I eventually managed to get out of the situation where I saw her every day....so shes gone and out of my life and I am trying to pick up my brains. But i was incredibly attracted, while feeling incredibly lonely at home, and that made it very painful. that has not gone away either. I probably should have been on meds for the mental turmoil during the peak of all this. Based on the behavior you describe, I'd suspect your H may be struggling with depression too. And I've heard that promiscuity is a symptom...don't know for sure. 

Take your own advice. Get your life back and do things that make you happy, even if that means going it alone. Do some fun things. It might be wise to get some skills re-training if you've been out of the workplace for awhile. 

Its a long shot, but you might want to try to get your husband to see a doctor and get evaluated for depression. tahts a real sickness and it can be treated. 

I've pushed my wife in the past to live it up now that the kids have grown, but I think I am going to demand it. She really needs to get her "me" back before we have any chance of resurrecting our marriage.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate you helping me with this.

I completely take responsibility for the damage my actions have caused. It was not deliberate, aside from kids life has thrown us both some extremely stressful times over the past few years. Had you held up a magic mirror and shown me where we would be a few years ago I would have been truly truly horrified.

I like the fact you told me to take my own advice! You are so right! I almost feel I don't know who me is anymore, I'll work on it though. Maybe your wife is in the same place. I find it hard to identify what I need let alone put it first. I hope your wife is able to get her groove back too!

My husband is not happy that I want to go out and find a job so that will be a bridge to cross. 

Thank you again.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Can I also ask, while you are in this 'transitional' time where you want her to get the 'me' back, how you want her to behave towards you? 

Since we had the conversation about how he feels about the relationship I have tried to make an effort but I feel if anything I am irritating him and I actually need to back off and give him space. I am concerned though that in doing that I will be back to square one, leaving him feeling that I am neglecting him and oblivious to him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Two things:
1. He cannot tell you that you have killed the marriage and then complain when you get a job. You will likely need a job if the marriage ends.

2. Just a suggestion: You have apparently wreaked a lot of havoc by ignoring/rejecting him sexually. Stop talking about feelings and start healing the damage. Don't worry so much about "intimacy" that will come "AFTER". He is a man and we do things backwards . 

Instead of "talking" to him start selecting nights where you both have at least an hour - and then give him the "treatment". When my wife does that - it reaches a place in my mind that no other activity can. Call it what you want - me I call it getting an endorphine bath. She starts with a long full body massage that slowly becomes more sexual. Then she does some foreplay stuff that makes me crazy and then we both do some foreplay stuff to each other for a while and by the time we start the main event I am already floating. 

This is the opposite of what most men experience in a long term marriage. Lets compare results:
- He is angrily telling you he may have slept with someone else
- On the other side of the world - with a bunch of work colleagues pushing hard as they could - surrounded by very attractive and available young women - I never did anything I couldn't tell my wife about (regular full body massage - no happy endings for me). 

And she plays games with me. Doing the massage she keeps alternating pressure, location, speed, nails, finger tips, palms and as she alternates she says: better 1, or better 2. She has mapped my nervous system so well that she can ALMOST get me all the way to the rapture without directly touching the equipment. 

Of course I also do this for her many nights. This is not a one way street. But the truth is that a pattern of this type of behavior creates an incredible emotional bond. 

Be realistic about this. The damage was created over a decade. It won't be fixed in a week or a month. But unless something ELSE is at work, within 6-12 months he should be almost good as new. 



Willow said:


> Can I also ask, while you are in this 'transitional' time where you want her to get the 'me' back, how you want her to behave towards you?
> 
> Since we had the conversation about how he feels about the relationship I have tried to make an effort but I feel if anything I am irritating him and I actually need to back off and give him space. I am concerned though that in doing that I will be back to square one, leaving him feeling that I am neglecting him and oblivious to him.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> But unless something ELSE is at work, within 6-12 months he should be almost good as new.


Meaning, that he _should_ be willing to re-engage - unless he has an emotional investment in this other woman, he's already having an affair, or as another poster said - is struggling with depression. 

By the time your partner behaves as your husband did, means they have hit threshold. Odds are, the subject has come up many times in the past - but was avoided or ignored. I'm not blaming you, I simply know the game-plan.

Backing off, but maintaining healthy boundaries (for yourself) is the best way to go. If you try to turn on the love fire hose after a drought lasting years, it's just go to end up as run-off. Use a slower soaker-hose mentality. Give his emotional 'ground' time to slowly soak it up - and build some authenticity and commitment.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Deejo,
I 1000 percent disagree with this. You are NOT going to fix a sexual starvation/disrespect for his needs problem by maintaining boundaries and "talking to him" about how you realize you treated him badly. Talk is cheap. 

What I am talking about feels a lot more like being bathed in love then a quick fuvk. No offense here but I think my grasp of English is very good and I don't quite even understand what you are suggesting she do. 

I guess it depends on what you mean by "backing off" - but if my primary issue was as she described - and she backed off on the physical part when I was that upset it would make things worse. 




Deejo said:


> Meaning, that he _should_ be willing to re-engage - unless he has an emotional investment in this other woman, he's already having an affair, or as another poster said - is struggling with depression.
> 
> By the time your partner behaves as your husband did, means they have hit threshold. Odds are, the subject has come up many times in the past - but was avoided or ignored. I'm not blaming you, I simply know the game-plan.
> 
> Backing off, but maintaining healthy boundaries (for yourself) is the best way to go. If you try to turn on the love fire hose after a drought lasting years, it's just go to end up as run-off. Use a slower soaker-hose mentality. Give his emotional 'ground' time to slowly soak it up - and build some authenticity and commitment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Deejo,
> I 1000 percent disagree with this. You are NOT going to fix a sexual starvation/disrespect for his needs problem by maintaining boundaries and "talking to him" about how you realize you treated him badly. Talk is cheap.
> 
> What I am talking about feels a lot more like being bathed in love then a quick fuvk. No offense here but I think my grasp of English is very good and I don't quite even understand what you are suggesting she do.
> ...


I'm suggesting she _doesn't_ try to go from 0 to 60 ... from having ignored him to smothering him. It looks desperate and doesn't feel genuine. His working out and being irritated by her efforts at intimacy NOW, are a red flag to me. I'm not insinuating he is having an affair, but it sounds like he has undoubtedly emotionally detached ... which makes her feel cheap about approaching him for sex. If both partners aren't engaged in finding a way forward - all you end up with is a fine stew of simmering resentment.

I'm not suggesting she backs away from trying to connect with him. I am suggesting that she backs off of overdoing it and further alienating him.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fair enough. I wasn't suggesting this as a daily activity. But if the primary issue was physical - I just doubt he will feel "smothered" by her initiating what I described above. 

BUT BUT BUT: I also think she shouldn't do anything that she is willing to sustain if he regains trust and his commitment to the marriage. What I describe above feels as good to give as to get. My fingers tingle when I think about giving my wife "the treatment". They literally tingle. 





Deejo said:


> I'm suggesting she _doesn't_ try to go from 0 to 60 ... from having ignored him to smothering him. It looks desperate and doesn't feel genuine. His working out and being irritated by her efforts at intimacy NOW, are a red flag to me. I'm not insinuating he is having an affair, but it sounds like he has undoubtedly emotionally detached ... which makes her feel cheap about approaching him for sex. If both partners aren't engaged in finding a way forward - all you end up with is a fine stew of simmering resentment.
> 
> I'm not suggesting she backs away from trying to connect with him. I am suggesting that she backs off of overdoing it and further alienating him.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Thanks for all your replies. 
I would say that there's never been a point where we've had what i would consider a a sexual drought- worse point we were having sex once or twice a week, on average in our marriage i'd say its been 4 or 5 times a week and its been that recently. However he's not been happy with those levels and moreover feels that I do not focus on him enough. 
As I am the one at home I do 95% of all chores including garden work, car cleaning. He doesn't trust me with power tools so that's the one area I'll leave for him but there's not much to do, something to fix maybe every couple of weeks. 
Sorry for sounding defensive I'm not trying to be, I do take reponsibility for what I've done here but I do want to try and give you a view in balance.

Anyway its all moved on. He told me on Friday he's so dissatisfied he's at the point of leaving, and looking around for somewhere else to live. I have tried to ask him over the weekend if we can discuss what's going on, work out where it's all heading (not ranting, no tears, just a request we look at the options) and he accused me of holding a gun to his head. TBH my gut feel on this is that he probably is 'gone' already in his head.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

YouTube - Nitro boat vs whiney girlfriend

or nitroboat vs whineygirlfriend. 

if only........:lol:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

sorry all, was just trying to see how easy links are to do here.

as i read on, it seemed this thread became more serious to OP

humor not related to subject matter here.

again, sorry.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

But did he catch any fish?????????

No offence taken whatsoever cb, times like mine you have to laugh or you'd go mad! 

And I am now trying to work out how to incorporate an ejector device either into the car or the marital bed!!!

(And yes she had a point, he was pretty cute!)


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

agreed willow, but watch out....if u laughing too much/too hard, people will wonder about u, or get/act jealous!

take it from me. i'm writing this from a padded cell gosh knows where. so much for "committed" eh? :rofl::scratchhead:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

oh gee...i left out my faves

:bounce::nono::toast::crazy:


and of course.............................ray:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Your input changes perspective on thing s pretty dramatically. Given his behavior, and sudden desire to move out and move on, I believe it's highly probable he is involved with someone else. Protect yourself accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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