# Turned off to DH



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

In the past we have always been well matched sexually. We've been together for 27 years now, 24 married. He is 60 I am 53. Slowly over the years I have lost interest in him for things I cannot get past and some things that are happening how. The worst thing is that he raped me while I was on medications for pain and sleep after a major surgery, and he took photos of me nude without my permission. He also is heavily into younger women porn. In addition, he is a heavy smoker and five years ago the doc told him his difficulty getting and keeping an erection is mostly due to his smoking (small arterial disease causes ED). I knew the smoking would be an issue, as I am a nurse, he promised when I agreed to marry him that he would cease smoking..well, that never happened and NOW I am dealing with a man with lung disease. Essentially I feel like I never signed up for all this, and after 24 years of marriage and three children (now 15, 21,23) I want out but am not financially able. In addition, I am really getting turned off to his advances, and find myself not attracted to him anymore...he has gained 40 pounds, has a pot belly, no tan anymore, never uses cologne and the last time few times we've even started love making he just coughs his head off several times in "the middle of the act".

I think I should just leave, but we have such a nice lifestyle we've built, I just don't know what to do...any suggestions? Am I bad for wanting the good lifestyle at 53, after raising kids for the last 32 years??


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Oh, dang, girl! I'm sorry to hear that. I'd say leave, but where could you go? 

Send a pic of the boat!  (Old joke! don't get mad)

I'm older, too...and have no where to go/do. 

Photos is a no no unless you agree! um, I do have a tan! Bed driven, though.  

I know it hurts...just do what you know you need to do. You have a mind that thinks. 

Do what you have/need to do for yourself!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> I think I should just leave, but we have such a nice lifestyle we've built, I just don't know what to do...any suggestions? Am I bad for wanting the good lifestyle at 53, after raising kids for the last 32 years??


It could be argued that your addiction to the good life has kept you from making the move sooner. Perhaps if you had felt you had less to lose, you would have put more pressure on him in the past to improve his health. As for the rape... I am flabbergasted.


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## dorisrdrgz (Jun 4, 2009)

Leave and don't feel guilty! You deserve it


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

interesting that you put the unwanted sex/photo session before the agreement to stop smoking. i agree with the above poster, "no" means "no" but you'd have had a much more compelling case if you had made your case the day of or day after the assault.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

A sad fact of life is that the older you get the more trapped you become in your marriage. People in sexless marriages stay for the kids (which is good!) looking forward to the day the kids are grown and gone so they can get out there and have fun. But unless they had their kids in their 20's these people find that their options are limited once they reach their 50's and 60's. This is especially true for women. I'd stay put for now and try to meet someone else, then cultivate a relationship. Then you'll be in a better place to make a decision to leave or not.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I would prefer not having a relationship "waiting in the wings"; I just don't want the rebound thing and who knows?, if I met someone, cultivated a relationship, what if my dh were to find out. I live in Texas - judges here take into account infidelity when division of property occurs and we have much to divide with 25 years under our belts. Texas has a max 3 year spousal support rule, too....no matter how long the marriage has been or how old the wife/spouse is....it is bad when he wanted me to raise kids, his career being paramount, me dumping my career (AF officer) and retirement, only to find myself perhaps on the street at 53 trying to find a job in this economy. Oh joy. There are times I wish he'd have an affair, as then I'd have ammunition for court case/divorce and feel more secure regarding my financial future. God, I hate being tied to money issues as a reason not to leave.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do you prefer to be alone and broke with the potential (and only the potential, possibly) for something "more" down the road with someone else? Or, do you prefer a loveless, sexless marriage with the comfort of material things? Once you answer that for yourself--and there is ONLY one right answer, the one that is right for YOU--then you can decide. Doesn't matter how old you are if you are willing to do whatever it takes to make ends meet on your own--any job, live with roommates or siblings, etc. It's only about money if you make it that way--by expecting the same, or close to the same, standard of living for yourself. 

I let myself start to get emotionally attached to someone AFTER I told dh it was over, but only to give me the extra incentive to keep going--getting that feeling was very motivating for me to face the fears that were holding me back. I cut it off immediately, because I don't want the "rebound" thing either and I really, really want to be on my own for a while. But I want sex, too, which is making it a *bit* harder to keep myself from flirting, etc. I've been without for so long! I can definitely relate to what you say, and I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing by not cheating. Good luck.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

You can always find a room mate and find some way to go without him. If you are unhappy and removing yourself from his burdens will make you happy you should go. Rid yourself of something making you miserable. It sounds like the the honeymoon has definitely ended in the sex dept and he isn't healthy enough to perform. Had he cared years ago he wouldn't have these problems. Dont do something that is going to make yourself feel worse. If you leave will you feel bad for leaving him when he wasn't healthy?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

java said:


> It sounds like the the honeymoon has definitely ended in the sex dept and he isn't healthy enough to perform. Had he cared years ago he wouldn't have these problems. Dont do something that is going to make yourself feel worse. If you leave will you feel bad for leaving him when he wasn't healthy?


Both my parents were smokers, so I have an aversion to smoking. I have terrible memories of riding from Tucson to Phoenix in a 1959 station wagon with the windows rolled up and both parents smoking like trains with us four young daughters coughing through the "second hand smoke". Hell, I may die of lung disease...LOL.

Anyway, my point is this: My spouse made a deal with me when we got engaged, to "STOP smoking". In fact, he never smoked the whole three years we dated, well, at least not in MY presence, and certainly not on the honeymoon. We didn't live together before the wedding either, so am sure he smoked on the sly; but I had FAITH he'd stop. But the important thing is he PROMISED and I have never waivered in my aversion to it; he smokes outside. I probably would have had an annulment but got pregnant on our honeymoon, and once I had our first son, well, do you divorce someone because they smoke? 

I won't feel much guilt about leaving him SICK because HE knew what smoking does, I have certainly not kept it a secret. I also didn't want him smoking as the chances increase for your children to smoke IF a parent smokes. I didn't want our future kids to be led by his poor health habit example!

But, alas, his smoking IS catching up...I want to say "tisk, tisk" but that seems so COLD hearted; but I did everything possible, even refusing to marry him until he promised to STOP and he chose NOT to keep the promise and trust me, I gave him LOTS of opportunity and SUPPORT to stop...he chose this course even when he had lots of support from me and now his kids to stop.

So, no I won't feel "bad" I will have pity for him, but he smoked each one himself. 

It has been like watching someone put a gun to their head and pull the trigger ever so slowly. It is painful and I can't stand watching and waiting for the sound....

Just last Feb 08 I stood at my own mother's bedside, she was unable to breathe any more..due to lung disease. She died a week later. My dh did not come. Six years ago I stood by HIS father's bedside as he was dying of lung cancer...

My husband is not a stupid man, but he chooses to keep smoking. If I chose to keep eating (as much as I TRULY want and I DO love food) I would weigh 300 pounds and die of a heart attack or stroke. I choose not to die of a heart attack or stroke. My husband makes choices too.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

You are right Sandy, we reap what we sow and have to live with the life we have put before us. You don't have to deal with it so what are you going to do?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get a job, use that three-year spousal support to train for a better one, and then get the better job taking care of just you in a smoke-free home.

OR

Accept that you live with a man who is weaker than his addiction to nicotine and boost the life insurance coverage on him to provide for you when he is gone.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> In the past we have always been well matched sexually. We've been together for 27 years now, 24 married. He is 60 I am 53. Slowly over the years I have lost interest in him for things I cannot get past and some things that are happening how. The worst thing is that he raped me while I was on medications for pain and sleep after a major surgery, and he took photos of me nude without my permission. He also is heavily into younger women porn. In addition, he is a heavy smoker and five years ago the doc told him his difficulty getting and keeping an erection is mostly due to his smoking (small arterial disease causes ED). I knew the smoking would be an issue, as I am a nurse, he promised when I agreed to marry him that he would cease smoking..well, that never happened and NOW I am dealing with a man with lung disease. Essentially I feel like I never signed up for all this, and after 24 years of marriage and three children (now 15, 21,23) I want out but am not financially able. In addition, I am really getting turned off to his advances, and find myself not attracted to him anymore...he has gained 40 pounds, has a pot belly, no tan anymore, never uses cologne and the last time few times we've even started love making he just coughs his head off several times in "the middle of the act".
> 
> I think I should just leave, but we have such a nice lifestyle we've built, I just don't know what to do...any suggestions? Am I bad for wanting the good lifestyle at 53, after raising kids for the last 32 years??



you say your a nurse so this means you have a job and could have set the wheels in motion to divorce after he raped you, so you are apparently staying although you were able to leave in the past.
I'd say after this long.. and your fear to lose any of the comforts your marriage has brought you financially, you should
just wait it out, see if he can start smoking stronger smokes, get good insurance on him as you will have to make a choice you seen to have ignored for a long time, so why now?
I know a few women in your situation and they did in fact wait it out... the wait was not too long. They just left him be and got on with their lives. He soon died and the woman were already established as a single pewrson or widow and from what I can tell.. none of them are unahppy now or with the choice they made to wait it out.
One of them told me that she was with him soooo long, what was the point in divorce at this point. He did in fact develop lung cancer and died soon afterwords. 
Last I saw her she was taking many vacations and retired early, she looked well and also very happy.
:scratchhead:
so maybe this is what some women do who had married young and in that situation, which may not be a bad thing, but a more patient, thought out course of action. He is 60...
and you could start to establish your life too I guess... like my friend did.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Well am working on what to do. 

Have interview soon to try to get a position; I haven't worked long a nurse, didn't become a nurse until I was 49. 

I've not worked full time for longer than a year since 1989, I've been raising my kids and had focused there for the most part.

After I find a good position, I will then see what to do at that point.


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## Merton (Mar 5, 2011)

Get out now while you still can. His abuse of you is totally unacceptable! Get a room mate, stay with a friend do what you have to. There is a life for you out there without the confines of a loveless marriage. Let go of the financial trappings and go live your life(you only get one!) Good luck. If you make a positive move good things that are long overdue to you will materialize. Have faith.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sandy55 said:


> It has been like watching someone put a gun to their head and pull the trigger ever so slowly. It is painful and I can't stand watching and waiting for the sound....


Yeah, I got the same problem. Oh, and add alcoholism to the mix. Constantly drinking AND smoking. It's hard to see someone you love go downhill like that..

BUT. Your husband sounds like he's done a LOT more to you then just smoke! It sounds HORRIBLE being married to him. 

Get a good lawyer and get out. You can still live a good life at 53. What are you waiting for? To die with him? :scratchhead:


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

I would move slowly. Get that job. Squirrel some money away. Make sure the 15 year old is "launched" properly. You might live 50 more years and obviously it won't be with this man you no longer care about but change, even good change is stressfull. Don't complicate it with "dating" anyone until it's over. You'll be glad you waited. Do see a lawyer soon to get the best information to plan your "escape".


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He does not love and care about you. He is a gross human being.


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