# How to deal with suspicion and jealousy?



## aurora3175 (Jul 13, 2011)

Hi,
I found out that my husband has been having sex chats with women online. He says that is all he has done and although I'm having trouble believing him, I have decided to stay with him and try to work it out. He apologized and has agreed to go to a marriage counselor with me, but that won't be for a few weeks or more because of his job. Anyway, my biggest issue right now is jealousy and trust. He insists that he wants me to be able to trust him and that he wants me to check his cell phone and computer if I am suspicious at all. But how do you get over the constant feelings of suspicion every time you see him on his computer and you don't know what he's doing? It is driving me insane. I can't think or focus on anything else, I just want to know what he is doing every second and I can't get my own work done! He's going to be going away for work again soon (he goes for about 3 weeks) and he's told me he will leave his computer but I feel horrible at the thought of actually taking him up on that, I don't want to be controlling. And even though he keeps offering to let me see everything, I still feel like he could hide things if he really wanted, delete history, chat rooms don't even have history, etc... Has anyone else gone through something like this? How do you handle it, what do you do?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Your reaction is NORMAL. He broke your trust, now he must WORK to earn it back.
Don't put pressure on yourself, it wasn't your actions that created the situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Been there, done that. 

Only you can decide what you need in order to feel safe and trusting of him in the future. Its' good he is being transparent with you.

This will be a good topic at marriage counselling to discuss.

You have every right to feel how you do--he betrayed your trust.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

What he has done is effectively considered cheating and you need to know that first of all. He may have given you access to his phone and computer, but you're right, he can clear chat history, browser history, call and message history. You need to install a keylogger on his computer and not tell him you did it. This will log all keystrokes, screenshots, browsing history, etc. and store them in a password encrypted database. These programs can be purchased online for as little as $30 and are completely invisible to anyone using the computer. You also need to get access to his account for his cell phone so that you can see what numbers call him, numbers he calls, and numbers where messages were sent and/or received. Then you can confront him about strange numbers that show up. It's a shame that we have to basically become detectives with our spouses or SO's. Don't ever tell him about the key logger though. Just confront him with any evidence you find and don't reveal your sources. Revealing your sources will only cause him to take this underground and it will be tougher for you to get evidence.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Totally normal reaction; everyone goes through it to some degree. First & foremost, don't feel badly about it. You're only REacting, not taking silly action without any reason...

Since you've got his openness, voluntary transparency, and cooperation to making this right with you, the way you deal with it is talking it out continuously with him, sharing with him, and getting him to do whatever it is you need no matter how ridiculous, suspicious, jealous, or controlling it might seem to either of you. If it's what you need, it's what you need, and he is to do it. OPens his computer? Have him tell you what he's doing without you needing to ask. Then have him periodically come show you. And don't wait till he shows you, just pop over and have yourself a look. He'll understand, because you will have told him what you're thinking, feeling, and why you're doing what you will do. Quite simply, tough on him, too bad -- this is what it takes for you. 

In time, with the right results, you will back off when YOU are ready. That won't be till after you've started MC and get an understanding of what he feels he is missing that he was looking for outside of your marriage. Hopefully you will understand, come to terms with it through openness, and work together to get through it. 

Meanwhile, I agree -- check up with a keylogger till you feel better about it.


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## aurora3175 (Jul 13, 2011)

Okay, thank you for the responses. So I took him up on his offer to leave his computer behind, and while he is gone I will definitely figure out how to put something onto it. He actually offered to let me put a monitoring program on but I turned him down, I don't want him to know it is there, and I figure if he knows, he will just find a way around it. I also explained how I felt and told him I just can't trust him right now and that I need him to do some things for me such as not erase his cell phone texts (I can compare them online to see if he does). The thing is, now, he's acting all grumpy about it and complaining. I saw him texting and took his cell phone and looked and he let me, but I could tell he was angry about it and he told me that it bugs him because it is his. I didn't back down, but his attitude is starting to make me feel even more suspicious. I told him that I want him to leave his iPod too because it has internet on it, and he got mad over that, said it is his music. I even offered to put his music on mine and let him take mine instead, which doesn't have internet, and he got huffy and muttered something about this all being such a pain in the ass and left. Is it just my imagination or does his attitude mean he isn't really sorry and is going to do it again? I'm really confused, why is he getting so angry about this if he is sorry?


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

He's angry because you are limiting his ability to cheat. If he wants to cheat though, he'll find a way.

Be very clear with yourself and him what you need to stay in the marriage. Be firm, don't bend, and follow through with the consequences you want if he doesn't conform. Anything else will make you a pushover and he's more likely to return to his cheating ways.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's mad because he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Please trust us when we tell you - based on hundreds of other couples just like you - that if you don't take the 'mean' hardline now, you will have a lifetime of him cheating.

If he leaves...then you know he never really put YOU ahead of HIM.


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## aurora3175 (Jul 13, 2011)

Well, it feels mean, but I did it anyway. I told him that if he doesn't want to do what I need him to so that I don't have to worry all the time about what he is doing then he can just leave. He got angry but actually came up with his own solution. He said he thought about it for a while and understands why I don't trust him with the internet. Then he said if I want I can burn his music onto cds for him and he will listen to them that way in his truck instead of taking his ipod. This entire situation just sucks! I want to just go hide under my blankets and not come out for a month!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please do some reading. You need to understand that it is WOMAN nature to feel guilty for standing up for yourself and it is MAN nature to extort that.

You protected yourself. He backed down. BUT he did it in a way to MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. 

Men know this; they get it; they exploit it.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to say 'Good! I'm GLAD you are choosing me over your personal interests. That's what a marriage SHOULD be.'

Then WALK AWAY from his decision. LET him own it. That's part of growing up. For both of you. And reap the benefit of you standing up for yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remember, this is about choice. If he WANTS you, he will learn to care about your feelings. Period.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

My stbxh lied and lied and told the truth and then backed up and lied again about the EA.

The line was crossed for me: Trust Gone

Divorce is in 5 days. I did not beg, plead but i did tell him I still loved him and offered MC: not taken. Blamed me for everything but I didn't accept that, said it was 50/50.

I kept my dignity and I will start over again with a new life. Did I have pain, oh yeah, bad.

I have and am dealing with abandonment, lonliness and fear. I know in my heart this will pass because I am working on it.

Go with your gut feeling. It is telling you the truth. The mind plays tricks on us because who wants the pain and we are clever enough to realize that that's what may be up the road and so we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

Perhaps, he is trying. I wouldn't know. For me it would be terribly difficult to trust again.

My heart goes out to you.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

I feel the same that you do about all the things I have to do with my wife now that her affair has been exposed. I'm really just upset that our marriage has come to the point where I have to question and verify everything she tells me. But, all of this helps to calm me down. She's not happy that I no longer trust her and go through her things, but she understands that it's necessary for me to heal and move past this. She hasn't been mean or anything when I've told her that I am still checking and probably will continue for a long time. I know eventually, barring I never find anything, that eventually I won't feel the need to and that's when I know trust has been rebuilt. For right now, it has to be this way. I've checked less and less as time goes on, but I do check at least once a day. This is a good step for me, because when the affair came out, I was checking about every 30 minutes. I hope my story encourages you and shows you what he needs to do to help you through this. 

You husband is trying to make you feel ashamed for checking up on him. He really has not owned what he has done. He may seem remorseful, but if he were truly remorseful he wouldn't get angry at you for doing what you need to do. He still wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would advise you to follow through with the keylogger and continue checking his cell phone records. Good Luck.


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