# Strange thoughts



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Its been 5 months since minimum EA in the fall. I've been processing through since then and my spouse and I have been going to counseling and rebuilding. She keeps saying she hopes she never gets to the "place (i.e. emotional wreck in her words)" she was in the fall in which she was visiting and communicating with other man over 3 week period until I caught her. Since I found out, I've done everything I can to salvage relationship. She has for the most part also. She says she loves me and I believe her. Today however, an unusual thought is going through my mind. Why did I want to salvage this so badly? I think of her having made up her mind that she and I were done, and trying everything to get me to notice her by going out with another man. I'm thinking yes her mind was made up otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did-right? So why am I so keen on saving this. Today marked a day where I do not care anymore. We are together, doing relatively well, and then this though cycle pops up- after what she did why _should_ I stay in it? I've put all my energy into saving this and she took the better part of 3 months to "decide" this is what she wanted. If it took that, do we really have much? Am I just bringing up problems because things are going well? Any help appreciated.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you should look up the Kübler-Ross model, some of it may apply to what you're going through now.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> We are together, doing relatively well, and then this though cycle pops up- after what she did why _should_ I stay in it? I've put all my energy into saving this and she took the better part of 3 months to "decide" this is what she wanted. If it took that, do we really have much? Am I just bringing up problems because things are going well? Any help appreciated.


It's normal I think. This is also why so many here advocate tough love towards WS as a prerequisite to any R. Otherwise they think *they* make you a favor by staying, and their affair positively effected you into a better spouse. It's both humiliating and is bound to backfire.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Me too!!! same story only switch the names. I found out, after exposing and dealing with an EA, that my H messed up AGAIN but this time kissed a girl while drunk. I left work, called and got a place to move too, was DONE and moving on and the second I saw my H I broke down (literally) and begged him to try one more time to love me. 

Now things are somewhat good and I'm beginning to second guess myself. We just went to MC and she said it's totally normal. My H also said THANK GOD she begged me bc he doesn't know who he was at the time and "why" he was saying and acting the way he was. If I hadn't of begged him we wouldn't be together today. 

We aren't great, but we are working on it. I am now the one saying about myself "I don't know who I am" kinda sucks but kinda feels good too.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I'm having the same thoughts so you're not alone! Assuming it's normal, what to do about it? Nothing? Just wait it out? Relate your feelings to your WS? I'm kind of stuck wondering what I should do. Right now, I'm just being silent about it, and she is noticing, but I don't know what to say exactly. :scratchhead:


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Its sort of strange because this guy tried to text her a couple of weeks ago. I finally told spouse how I felt about the whole deal and since then I don't care really what she does. Do I love her? yes. But am I hell bent on making something work under those parameters- not any more. His text allowed me to get some things off my chest to her about the whole deal and I feel free from the situation. So now either we go forward to a good relationship or it doesn't work and we separate- oh well we'll see how it goes!!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It's common. Unfortuneately. 

Your Smog burned off. 

Be aware, this is the part where resentment starts setting in.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

When you stop caring in the aftermath, you gain control over the situation. Sad fact of life, and the opposite of what all good but inexperienced people teach you.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

It's definitely normal to feel this state of limbo, the betrayal hurts and your world was turned upside down by the very person you trusted and loved, the feeling isn't going to go away overnight.

That's why I think finding a good counselor can help you process your feelings and through that, maybe help you see whether or not its worth your health sanity to continue the relationship.

Either way, its going to take time...

GL


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Your Smog burned off.
> Be aware, this is the part where resentment starts setting in.


I like the smog reference. 

The resentment, for a while, may help spur faster change in your spouse, but if it sets it, may become a problem in you making changes over the long term. 

I haven't quite gotten to where you are yet. Still smoggy, I guess.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

thrway214 said:


> I like the smog reference.
> 
> The resentment, for a while, may help spur faster change in your spouse, but if it sets it, may become a problem in you making changes over the long term.
> 
> I haven't quite gotten to where you are yet. Still smoggy, I guess.


Agree about smog lifting, but I really don't feel resentment towards her. I look at it more as a pathetic episode in her life. I read once that resentment means to "re feel, or re experience" something. My thoughts now are not of hurt, but rather of letting go. Not that I don't care about her, but I don't care about the stupid game anymore and what happened. To her credit she is doing a lot to try to make it work and it's going well. Letting go means FREEDOM-that is what I feel. Just when I reflect on the situation now, I wonder to myself if this is what I really want in my life. She is making it hard though because she is being so loving and caring and seems to be sincere. So in that regards I'm not going to pick up and leave. But if I needed to , I would.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

A necessary part of growing through an R are changes you make to yourself to become a better spouse. Just be conscious of how long this apathy lasts, and make sure it isn't blocking your changes. Those changes are a good idea whether or not your M lasts.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I wholeheartedly disagree with "becoming a better spouse" part. It's one thing to work on yourself within a framework of mutual respect and communication, but totally another after being b*tch-slapped with your partners affair.

Whatever chance for me improving as a husband was there, it was gone down the drain with the affair. She can take me either the way I am, or get the hell out.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Bodhitree said:


> Agree about smog lifting, but I really don't feel resentment towards her.


Just be aware, this is where it usually starts. Once it sets in, it will eat you and your relationship apart, slowly, from the inside out. like a cancer.



Bodhitree said:


> I read once that resentment means to "re feel, or re experience" something. My thoughts now are not of hurt, but rather of letting go.


Resentment = the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult. 

Just food for thought.... The opposite of Love is not hate, and it is not anger... It's indifference. You say you still love her, but your indifference is growing... Love and indifference can't survive together. As one grows, the other dies.

Alarm bells should be going off here brother. Don't let this slip away.

JMHO.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> ..., and trying everything to get me to notice her by going out with another man


What does this mean? Is this what she was rationalizing it as or is this what you believe to be true?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with The Good Fight. The above sentence does not make sense. She said she was done and went out with other men to have you notice her? If she felt she was done then she did not care whether you noticed her. Going out with another man to have her husband notices her is humiliating, disrespectful and totally immature. To take this to the logical conclusion then anytime she feels you are not giving her enough attention then it is acceptable for her to go out with other men? This is ridiculous.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Last week I said I was done. Done checking on her, told her she can do whatever she wanted, was going to give her all her passwords that i took from her, access to FB, etc. She did not want it. I recanted and we are back to me monitoring, did not give her back her passwords, etc.

We go through phases, frustrations, thinking back at what they did, said, we have moments of just giving up. It is normal. Honestly, if folks would not have PM me and set me straight I would be setting my R for failure.

I feel like a ping pong ball at times. I re-read posts on here about R and the good advice given to others going through it. Some days we just knuckle through the day and other days we are happy to be working through R. 

If it would not be for TAM I would be a lost man.

If your WS is working on R, showing remorse, doing the heavy lifting then just keep moving forward. And when you feel alone and ready to quit give it a week and see where you are at.

If you can watch the movie Rudy. All the odds were against him ever dressing for Notra Dame. In the movie he quit but was encouraged to go back. He played for what? A few minutes. Was carried off the field by his teammates. 

All that to say, don't give up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> If you can watch the movie Rudy. All the odds were against him ever dressing for Notra Dame. In the movie he quit but was encouraged to go back. He played for what? A few minutes. Was carried off the field by his teammates.
> 
> All that to say, don't give up.


Thor that's my favorite movie.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Just be aware, this is where it usually starts. Once it sets in, it will eat you and your relationship apart, slowly, from the inside out. like a cancer.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Since your post is kind of helping me and the OP. What exactly do you mean by "Don't let this slip away" ?

Do you mean, don't let the R slip away? How do you stop it?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TheGoodFight said:


> Do you mean, don't let the R slip away? How do you stop it?


Yes, that is what I mean. A genuine shot at Reconcilation is a gift.

What I think, and what I know, and What I think, I know I think.... (lol)

It is so easy to take it for granted, regardless of the road you take back there are going to be massive swings in emotion. There are going to be ups and downs. But if you took the short cut back, the road is trecherous. Very few survive the long haul taking that path.

Ironically enough the very thing that your own human nature ("smog") does by giving you those blinders, that single minded burning _need_ to prevent "uncoupling" also goes directly against another part of your human instincts. 

That's protecting your own emotional safety. The smog doesn't (can't) last, so evidentually the other part of your instinct kicks in. It is the thing that tries to create distance, to minimize potential (proven) threat and future vulnerabilty. 

This isn't something I can explain in a few sentences and its woven into a big picture, Im trying to "cliff note" it and I feel like its an inadequate explanation...

What your feeling, and what is likely to happen is unfortuneately very common and extremely predictable. The smog is burning off, the protective instincts are kicking in. They are deep in your brain laying the groundwork to prevent emotional vulnerabilty. It constantly but subtly shifts your thinking. Your beginning to see your WS through different eyes now, Do you feel like the "shine" and glow you've been seeing her in through the last few months is going away?... I imagine you have recently looked at her and for a split second thought... "WTF was I thinking?"... 

This is part of why I ask people to be honest with themselves if possible... If you can really step back and look through your smog and ask yourself... "Can I get over this?". It's also why these very harsh, often counter intuitive steps are recommended in the intial stages. Like exposure, and clear consequences. Believe it or not, these "tough love" steps provide the foundation to rebuild a relationship. 

They put both the DS and relationship to a test. They give answers and help that deep part of your psyche to begin to rebuild trust... If you don't do these things, and you short cut the process, your standing on very shaky ground and part of your brain will fight you tooth and nail. It does NOT want you to trust...

I hope this is making some sense... It's early and I need more coffee...

Ask away, I will try to clarify what I think if your interested in asking...


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

To Bodhitree:

I don't think your ambivalence is out-of-step at all. It is something that has been growing with me since learning of my wife's nearly 6-year long-distance EA with a former boyfriend. 

My first reaction was to do whatever it took to win her back. Then I started working on myself. As I have regained my confidence, some 8 months later, I find myself questioning whether she deserves ME anymore. 

I would say I am a more engaged father and husband than I was for much of the past 6 years, but I would also say that I was never really disengaged before. In fact, I think any disengagement was likely more of a reaction to my wife's demeanor and behaviors toward me (which in hindsight were being fueled at least to some extent by her EA). In our case I feel like I am still doing more of the heavy lifting in the reconciliation and I am not sure how much longer I will tolerate that situation.

I have not told my wife of these "go or stay" wrestling matches in my head, but I think she has picked up on them as she seems to have shifted her demeanor in some ways. 

Anyway, you're certainly not alone. Good luck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

It just dawned on me I didn't answer the question.. "how do I stop it?"

A few tips: 

1. Start by recogizing what is happening inside of you. (re; what I mentioned in my post about smog / shortcuts / resentment, etc..)

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

3. Realize, one of you is likely going to have to "lead" and that this is going to take a lot of work. Put way the ego, and the scorecard. Plan your work, then work your plan. 

4. Demand what you need to recover. Its not controlling, and its not "needy"... Your making a cake. You need the ingredients. This is absolutely non negotiable. 

5. Do not let yourself take this gift for granted. destiny, fate, true love and soul mate mumbo jumbo isn't getting you through this. Work is.

6. Your emotions will be all over the place internally. But externally strive to be consistant and loving to your spouse. If you can't feel loving, fake it until you make it.


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