# what should I do?



## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

Hello all,
My wife and I have been together 20 years, married ten. Two great boys (9,11) and we are both in our early forties.
We have had some rocky times through our marriage. But I always considered us a "fairly normal" married couple. We dont fight a ton, but we do bicker. I just always thought we'd be together forever.
Well things have come to a head, and my wife is requesting a "temporary" seperation. She says its to sort things out in her head and see if we can move forward as a couple. Of course I have been fighting this because I cant see how being apart will make us closer, but I am learning that I cant force the issue and through some reading Ive learned that these temporary seperations can be productive. 
My issue is not so much on actually having the seperation, but rather, how long it is and who should decide this.
She is pushing for eight or nine months, but in my mind, I think that is too long. I am worried that I will become resentful (because I dont want the seperation), or we will like our new "freedom"- 4 days without spouse and kids, etc etc. I am pushing for 2 months or so. She thinks its too short and she will feel forced into making decisions that wont be lasting.
I dont know.... I just know myself and I can see that too long apart could spell doom for us. 
A little more background- she says that I am too controlling, Im grumpy, and that she feels neglected. Yes, I can agree with some of these things- but as we all know, it takes two to tango. Most men do tend to get grumpy when sexual frequency declines to approximately once every two months. This is another reason for the timeline issue. Do I really want to wait for her for another nine months, just to have her decide "nah.. its not working for me". I am an intelligent not unattractive professional male who is financially secure, there comes a point where a man needs to move on for himself also.. you know.
I have done many things wrong through our marriage, but I feel I have made great steps in the last few months to change some of the behaviors that she dislikes. Maybe I havent been attentive enough to her emotional needs- but it seems like she has so many walls up now that its hard for me to make ammends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And during separation will you each be free to see other people?

If a wife calls you controlling, wants a nice separation, and sex has dropped off from normal, etc like this I relly have to ask- is there another person in the picture?

What will change during those months that will make things better afterward?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

From what I have seen and heard, a trial "separation" (unless something really bad has happened such as physical abuse or infidelity) is usually an indicator that the person requesting it has another prospect to test out. She has someone else that she is at least in an EA with and wants to test the waters, keeping you as a backup.
Don't do it.
Offer to go to individual and/or couples counseling, but let her know that if the front door closes, it stays closed.

Don't be her backup. That will make you a doormat in her eyes and when she comes back(and she will), there will be another "trial" separation in the future.

I think that it's time for you to do a little snooping and find out who Mr. Grassisgreener is...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention if your wife works. Or if you have been to MC.
I would say your marriage is finished.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

Thanks for the replies,

I can honestly truly say with full conviction that she has been faithful. We have both been faithful actually. I am only the second man that she has EVER been with, and she is 43. Does she crave something new, yeah... maybe. But who doesnt... and thats totally not her thing. I know she still has some sex drive (ie- I have caught her self pleasuring a few times). Which of course drives a hubby nuts!! Especially when hes not getting any.
My wife has some history of sexual abuse from a relative when she was younger. Her mother had a string of bad marriages, well, only two I guess, but she is now single- 73 and lonely. My wifes stepfather was a real classact I guess and treated everybody very poorly. So there is a history of running away from things there.
My wife is very strong minded, independent, possibly stubborn and beautiful. It sucks cause all the qualities that attracted me to her are also some of the ones that make her create high emotional walls.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

I have been going to counselling indivdually for a bit. My counsellor thinks that I should really stop trying so hard and that my wife needs to decide what she wants.
My wife has just started seeing a counsellor herself- just one session. My concern about this indivdual counselling is that I think the counsellors will usually affirm and support the indivdual they are seeing. Which can be helpful but could also be counterproductive.
We have done marriage counselling a couple times before through the years, but only for two or three sessions. My wife believes that it doesnt work that well because nobody will say whats truly on their mind in fear of being hurtful.
I dunno.... I have no problem saying whats on my mind.
If we do a seperation, she does not want to see other people. She wants to use it as atime to be self reflective and grow within ourselves.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Even though you have a strong contiction to her faithfulness, I still suggest you quitely do your own investigation to make sure there are no outside influences that are effecting your wifes choice.

All the hard work in working on your self and being a better husband with healthier behaviors will mean nothing to her..if there is someone that has replaced the security and stability you have offered.

Sure you have issues, but you are will to change and work on it, right? Then thats good and the contract she made some 20 years ago should be worth keeping.

Time and time again we here at TAM here it over and over again "wife needs space" especially tempory space..that = I want to see if her new man is worth bailing on a 20 year marriage, if he is not then she can always go back to the husband, b/c after all they were seperated. What a great way to have a guilt free affair will still married.

Alls I'm suggesting that you do your own investigation on why she truely wants out. If there is no out side influence then you can eliminate that possiblity and focus on working on your self with the hope of getting some positive feedback from you wife.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

bigquestions said:


> Thanks for the replies,
> 
> I can honestly truly say with full conviction that she has been faithful. We have both been faithful actually. I am only the second man that she has EVER been with, and she is 43. Does she crave something new, yeah... maybe. But who doesnt... and thats totally not her thing.


BQ, don't fool yourself.
My wife had an affair long ago that I suspected eventually, but she convinced me that there was nothing there.
My wife was the absolute last person on Earth that I thought would fool around.

Unless you are afraid of what you might find out, do some investigating.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

Bigquestions, I am going through something similar. My wife of 8 years has decided she wants some space to figure things out, and says that I'm controlling, angry, etc. All true, I have come to learn through therapy, and am working on changing this. We have been separated 9 weeks tomorrow, and it is getting worse. She is pulling further away. 

I would have never suspected my wife to be 'cheating' neither, not in a million years. However shortly before we separated I found a bunch of messages between her and a friend of mine, and they obviously had 'feelings' for each other. Discovering these messages was like someone ripping my heart out, and it destroyed me. It brought my anger and controlling to the top, and probably has finished us off now. 

I'm having a terrible time right now, the roller coaster is unbelievable. However I realize that there is nothing I can say to her right now that will 'change her mind'. She needs time to figure things out for herself, and see if she wants to come back. She told me she thinks a legal separation would be for the best, but told me she's not sure if she wants a divorce. Huh? Legal separation is the first step to divorce..... Anyways, we have decided that no contact would be best, so I guess we're doing that for the next however many months. Problem is she is terrible at communicating with me right now, so I have no idea for how long, how we're going to work the finances (I have asked her to come up with ideas on this over a week ago, haven't heard anything).

I'm not sure what advice to give you. In my situation living under the same house would have made things worse I think, and living separate well I'm not sure where that's going to lead. Right now it's not looking good, but she has also told me that she is in the 'anger' phase of her healing.

It probably doesn't help that her best friend is going through a divorce right now and they're out having a great time....... Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it, but I don't want to be the one responsible for making the final decision to split this family up. I would never be able to live with myself. I need to be able to tell my kids when they grow up that I did everything I could to save the marriage and didn't give up. Although it's tempting some days, just to be able to get on with my life!!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

That is true what you write that counsellors can make it worse. Especially if you go separately. They will tell you what you want to hear not whats good for you. You havent replied to, if she works, not that you have to. Is there any reason why you believe you have to stay with her.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

Yes. She is self employed but it is a new business. Not a ton of stability in income there. It is however good income. I know this factors into her thought process because she has discussed it with me.
I do not have to stay. But I believe strongly in marriage vows and I do think its incredibly hard on kids. That coupled with the fact that I still very much love her influence me. I also hate failure.
I am professionally employed, have a six figure income. I will be fine financially if we break up. 
Many of my older previously friends (even those that are happily remarried)- in their fiftes or sixties tell me that if they could go back, they would have fought harder for their marriages. I carry that thought always when Im ready to give up.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Big, *BIG,* *BIG* red flag.

Her friend is out on the prowl and you wife is her wingman(woman).


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I agree with you that one has fight to save a marriage. I am the last person to advise divorce. I hope I am allowed to say this here, its a bit different for men and women. For some reason men fight harder. Women run from a marriage quicker. Once she thinks its ok to run if not now it will be later. You will have always an uphill battle. Is it worth it. Divorce is allowed by most religions and there are reasons for it. Sometimes it is necessary.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

Ive asked her about anyone else. She says absolutley not, and I believe her, so thats something I dont really need to discuss further. She says Ive just been emotionally unavailable for too long. She is probably right. But you have to understand, my wife has a very rugged exterior (meaning kind of quick witted, good gift of gab, sarcastic, easy to confrontation). Its so hard as a guy just to know what to do different. Sometimes these catch phrases like "emotionally unavailable" are thrown out there and I think nobody really knows what they mean. So when I ask her for concrete things I can do better- she says be less controlling, be less angry and treat me nice. I told her "yeah... I can do those things. But then shes angry when I ask her to reciprocate with hugging, kissing and sex. She says she cant just turn it on and it will come when shes ready.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

so anyway she is pretty insistent on us getting an apartment. We will split the week and we will both take turns living there (therefore less disruption for the kids). She says she doesnt have a timeline in mind, but I do believe her when she says she would like to use the time to think and do work on her own. I am going to try do the same for myself.
She sees us reuniting down the road stronger for it. But Im not so sure. I want to go in with a positive attitude but then why do I feel so negative about it. We live in a small town so the whole blinkin town will be gabbing about it- thats probably part of my issue. But if I dont go along with it I dont see how she will ever let me back in her heart.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, if she wants to share an apartment, that's a good sign that there's no one else. I mean, if I was to leave my husband, i wouldn't want to share a place that he could go through when I'm not there.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I know how you feel and feel for you. Once the whole 'town' knows about it I doubt if you will even want her back. Isnt she 'scared' of the town like you are. Or hasnt she thought about that. Maybe its best to 'tell' the town in advance. It really depends on who the town will side with. If youre sure its you it should work. No one wants to go against everyone.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

Yeah, I know my wife well and I know she does not have any ulterior motives. I think she truly just wants time apart to work out some stuff. As for the town, weve talked about that and agreed that if we give the appropriate response, say like "we are taking some time apart to try strengthen our marriage", it doesnt leave people with much.... you know what I mean. Knowing all this and knowing her heart is in the right place with this... then why am I still so nervous and reluctant to let it just happen?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What if you say no. Will that mean imminent divorce.
I strongly advise you to say no. At least say she can go on holiday for a bit. Thats the most I would allow. I would never like to be the talk of the town which you will be whatever you call the separation. 
Have a talk with her or through an MC on what conditions she would not leave and try to comply with them.


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## bigquestions (Feb 4, 2012)

If I said no, I would think that...yeah we would probably be on the road to divorce... which we may be already. But, if it wasnt divorce then she definitely would be resentful and I cant see how that is going to go well.

I guess thats the biggest dilemna. If I go along with the apartment, I think I will probably be resentful, which may be kind of a self fulfilling prophecy where when and if we get back together... I may have negative feelings harbored up, that when they come out will kind of be a "see I knew you didnt have it in you kind of thing", you know what I mean?
If I dont go along with it, I think my marriage is probably over... because I think my wife will be resentful and not truly respond openly to me no matter what changes I make for the positive.


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