# Girlfriend had affair, trying to fix things



## 28jtas (Jun 7, 2014)

This is my first post here, I have pretty much searched all over the net for advice but there are so many different situations and opinions that it is hard to get through it all.

So, I hope I can get an objective outlook on my current situation and how I am dealing with it. 

I've been with my gf for close to 3 years now (I'm 32, she's 26). For me it was only a matter of time for me to propose to her (putting the money aside etc..). I thought things were going ok, but I had been going through some rough time finishing my studies and then having a job which made me miserable. I am a very solid guy and never quit, but this was hard on me and I probably leaned a little too much on my gf during this tough time. I finally quit the job 2 months ago and have been feeling much better.
However my whole future is very uncertain, and although I am used to dealing with that, she isn't. 

She cheated on me for about a month, before finally admitting it to me, unable to take the guilt anymore. I had made it clear in the past that such a thing would be the end of it all for me, so she waited and waited before telling me, not wanting to "hurt" me and finish the relationship I guess. 

Well, I burst out in anger at first, and in pain, and then collected my thoughts and talked with her, and talked and talked a lot. I understood how she had been unhappy for the last few months. She began getting distant, and got into contact with an old friend (ex) of hers, and finally cheated on me a weekend when she was away (she works on weekends in another city) and 2-3 times after that. 

I told her I could give her another chance, if she completely cut all contacts with the other guy. She agreed, although was not too enthusiastic about it. She also started seeing a psy to help her open up about various issues she has. 

Well, has pretty much cut contact with him (she tells me) but I think its him more than her that cut the contact. She still has him on facebook and the last time we talked I insisted she blocked him completely. She said she would do it, and that she hasn't talked to him since anyway. However I now regret not asking her to do it right away in front of me as I'm sure she still hasn't. 

So, now we are trying to fix things, but we are not in the same city at the moment, she works in her hometown for the summer, and we won't be living together again until October (and even that is not sure yet since I am waiting for a job offer). We only live 1h15 away from each other though so I often drive over there or she comes over here.

The problem I have right now is about sex. She couldn't get enough of it before her affair (which was part of the reason for her getting distant), but now she just can't. We've had sex 2-3 times after her affair but she cries everytime, and it is more sex than it is lovemaking. 

She knows this and we've talked about it and I'm just not sure if she's still thinking about that other guy or what. She's still unsure we can fix things up, even though we've spent a lot of good times together over the last month. It just seems like a lot of ups and downs. I am wondering if in time, her appetite for sex with me will come back, or if it is a symptom of something hiding and that I should push her some more to get to the bottom of it. 

We were really good together, she's basically my best friend as much as my lover, and I want to make it work and know I could forgive her given sufficient time. I've been in other relationships before and I know this one is worth fighting for. But at the moment it seems I am working more towards recovery than she is. I also have been too obsessive about her (often sending texts/calling), and she told me she needed a little room to breathe, which I'm trying to work on. We are seeing each other 2-3 nights/week for the moment, and often having nice conversations over the phone. Its just that when we're together and kissing, she stops short/blocks as soon as she feels it goes for more (towards sex). 

Sorry for the long post, but there is so much to tell and it is so complicated


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Let me get this right.

She cheated, and _you_ want to fix things? Hate to break this to you, but reconciliation doesn't work that way. _*She*_ has to work her ass of to prove herself trustworthy. 

And judging from the current state of your relationship, she is not doing that.

I also suspect that the reason she cries when you have sex is because she is still in contact with her lover/ex boyfriend, and feels guilty about cheating on him with you. Yes, you read that right, she may very well feel guilty about sleeping with you, because she is feels loyal to the man she's cheating _with_. 

You cannot make a cheater want you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if she doesn't want to work on the relationship, and reestablish trust, _there is no relationship_. *Period*.

Cut your losses and move on. Drop the silly romantic notion of "fighting for the relationship." You are fighting a battle you cannot win, because your partner simply isn't fighting for you. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Move on, and find someone better.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds to me like HE dropped her - probably too much drama

You're a safe harbor for her - maybe a temporary one.

Don't make any commitments at all. There are several bad possibilities in the offing. 

Perhaps she told you b/c the OM's other gf (or maybe wife) discovered their affair and threatened to tell you

Why do you want to get back with a cheater - especially after you told her that cheating was a deal breaker? If you do get back together she'll know you're blowing smoke with any consequence you threaten. 

If you insist on getting back together then find out a lot more about this old bf. Find out if he has anyone special in his life (gf/wife) and expose the affair to them - you just might hear a whole different story from them. 

good luck - if you stay with her you'll need it.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

'Break up' - these two words would save your future.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Yet another case of her expecting you to do everything right, all the time, plus cater to her hand and foot. Any interruption in that, and its time to screw some other guy who's never done one thing for her, and she expects nothing from him.

Great logic in that brain.


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## 28jtas (Jun 7, 2014)

I guess I was kind of expecting these replies. Thanks for the blunt truth.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Not married and no kids... Why bother?

Kick her to the curb and go get an upgrade.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up Road Scholar"s thread. His wife did him this way for 5 months until he finally said he was done. Then she admitted she was still having sex with the OP. The reason she cant have sex with you is because she is being faithful........to her other boyfriend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Look up Road Scholar"s thread. His wife did him this way for 5 months until he finally said he was done. Then she admitted she was still having sex with the OP. The reason she cant have sex with you is because she is being faithful........to her other boyfriend.


Booooooooooom!!!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Not married and no kids... Why bother?
> 
> Kick her to the curb and go get an upgrade.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Indeed. Upgrade to someone a bit older and closer to your own age who has her sh!t together. You two seem to be at different phases in your lives.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

28, you're the boss of a company and she's someone applying for a position you have to offer. It's a lengthy process but she gets through and has her final interview with you, the decision maker. Towards the end of the interview she decides to drop her drawers and take a giant dump on your desk right under your nose. Now, she had aced the interview process up to that point and seems perfect for the job, but then this happens. Would you still hire her?

Dating is a lot like a long interview for a job of husband/wife, and while she was great up until _this_, there's still _this_ to consider.

Sorry you're here and have to deal with the pain associated with cheating, but be thankful you found out early in the process what she's really like. It could've been a whole lot more painful (and expensive) down the line when finances and kids are involved.

Run...like...hell.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

You need to do 2 things:

1. Run. Run far, and run fast. Don't look back. 

2. Start individual counseling. You need yo understand why you would tolerate this treatment. You need to focus on you. Building a stronger and better version. Everything will fall into place as you do this.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm convinced that 20 something women these days aren't bothered about getting married until they are 35....... unless they meet someone who sweeps them on their feet. .... epsecially since it's been shown that women can have healthy babies even for the first time into their early 40s.

Your gf may still need to play the field before she settles down.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Your gf may still need to play the field before she settles down.


Apparently someone has already shouted, "Play ball!" OP thought he was up to bat, but he was actually only on deck while another guy was at the plate taking some serious swings.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You need to read up on the 180. 

Go NC with her. this should be a wake up call for you.

She does not respect you. She treated you like shyt.

She wants the OM. She does not want you. 

You do not have kids with her. You are not married to her.

Stop calling her, stop driving to see her. Start moving on with your life. You are still in love with what you thought she was, not what she is, and she has shown you how she really feels.

She does not want sex with you anymore. Why would you want to continue a relationship with her? She has shown her true colors. 

Respect yourself and save yourself from a horrible situation where you are married to her and have kids. She cheats and hurts you again. You do not know if you are the father of her children. 

So you get to pay alimony, child support and lose all of your assets so that she and the kids get the life they want.

You do not want that kind of life.

She does not want you. Help yourself and stop all contact today. Just go dark, no more phone calls, no more texts. You vanish from her life.

(and thankfully get her out of yours) You do not want to be her second or third choice. Respect yourself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, take that money you put aside and find a better way to use it.

Friend, she cheated, then it took her a month to tell you because as you said that something like that is a deal breaker and now she's crying when you have sex. Sorry. Cheated, strike one. Waited a month before coming clean and he's still on her facebook page, strike two, and now she crys when you have sex, strike three.

Time to put this relationship to rest and move on before you get more of the same.

What you should have done was stick to your guns and told her to shove off.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Another real life illustration of why you take the time to go through the dating process before getting engaged. Now you know who she really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> You need to read up on the 180.
> 
> Go *NC* with her.
> 
> ...


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand this part:



28jtas said:


> I am a very solid guy and never quit, but this was hard on me and *I probably leaned a little too much on my gf during this tough time.*


This is what you're supposed to do. This is one of the things to look forward to with a life partner. This is married life.

What you don't is, when things get tricky, when you feel stressed or down at some point, look outside the relationship and use it as an excuse to... fvck other people.

And the reason the sex is different now with her is that she is staying loyal to her ex.

Sorry you're here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You are not even married. Why bother getting married to her when you now with absolute certainty that she's a cheater. Any price you pay now to leave her pales in comparison when you two have kids and mortgage.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

28jtas said:


> I've been in other relationships before and I know this one is worth fighting for.


28jtas, if you come back to your thread and reply to posts, this is the part of your original post that jumped out at me.

I would be very interested in some relationship history that would cause a man in your position to say this.

You're in a long-distance dating relationship with a woman who has cheated on you, who has shown no desire to make any meaningful effort towards regaining your trust. You have no children that would cause you to stay with her, and after she had sex multiple times with her ex-boyfriend, she now doesn't want to have sex with you.

How completely f*cked up were your previous relationships, such that one this f*cked up is worth fighting for?

Sorry, that's a trick question.

The correct answer is that it doesn't matter how dysfunctional your previous relationships were. This one is, too, and you need to end it.

You can't help your girlfriend. She is damaged and you can't fix her. You can fix yourself, though, because you are damaged, too. Go get some counseling and become a better person.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Oh for pete sakes, grow a pair and send her packing already!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Oh for pete sakes, grow a pair and send her packing already!!!



:iagree::iagree:
Give him a break he's young.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tom67 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Give him a break he's young.


I know. I feel like spanking him or sonething.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You realize, She will most likely be home on summer break with him while you work. She is still in contact with him, cut her loose before she really cuts your heart out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need some couple's counselling together to discover what the issues are.

Then work out how you can move on, either together or separately.

My take is that your will probably need to let her go, as she clearly is not what she pretends to be.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Just walk away from this. She just gave you your out. She has shown you her cards. Trust is now gone the way of the dodo. There is no way in hell, you are going to have a healthy relationship with your gf. She just did you the hugest favor. In the end you will not be happy. No matter how smoking hot she may be. There are plenty of good women out there who will treat you with respect and kindness. This is not the way to live. If I can find my hot librarian so can you, if that's what you want. There is so much more to life than this crap. Again your relationship that you once had is gone, forever and you now know who and what she is, a cheater. Plain and simple. Go find happiness, this is not it!. Good luck.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

28jtas said:


> This is my first post here, I have pretty much searched all over the net for advice but there are so many different situations and opinions that it is hard to get through it all.
> 
> So, I hope I can get an objective outlook on my current situation and how I am dealing with it.
> 
> ...


I'm out of red flags. The ones I've managed to point out should be enough to make you want to run for the hills and never look back!

You're not even married to her! Do you see how lucky you are? If you stay with her, you'll be dealing with this malarkey for years. And if you marry her and have kids with her, it'll be even harder to get rid of her and you'll always have to be in contact with her.

Since you're not married, you can just dump her and never ever ever, EVER, contact her again.

OP, think with your brain. You feel like you really are in love with this girl, but she doesn't hold you as highly as you do her.

I guarantee there are LOTS of other women in the world who wouldn't even consider treating you the way your girlfriend has treated you.

Go find one of them and stop letting your current gf make your life miserable. You deserve way better than that.


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## lone and cautious (Jul 29, 2013)

Dude, even for me when I asked folks here if I should break up with my exgf, I can tell you right now this is a no brainer. Just throw her out like garbage, and walk away.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

28jtas, OPEN YOUR EYES!!

She cheated, has you "understanding" her unhappiness, wasn't thrilled about the fact she had to give up contact with the other guy, sex slipped off, and now she needs "room to breath" ??

Not to mention you two are not together a lot and she is in another town. When the cat is away the mice will play.

Bet a better girlfriend. Yes I know, she is the best, you love her, yadda yadda. But not from what I'm seeing. Sorry to be harsh, but your gf isn't worthy of a decent man. Find yourself better.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't get married. 

And please, back off. 

Obsessively calling her and texting her after she cheated on you and has no cut off contact with the guy and has told you she's not sure about things is NOT the way to do this.

You are only pushing her away further.

And you are also coming across as really weak.

My advice to you is tell her you don't think going ahead with the marriage or the relationship is a good idea at all since she has not even cut contact with the man she cheated on you with. She is not doing anything to show she wants your relationship. A remorseful woman would have ended all contact with him and been trying to build trust back with you.

I would honestly consider ending this relationship if I were you. Why? Because you are still single. Had this happened in a marriage, I'd probably advise you to work on it together, that is, if you both wanted to; but that isn't the case here at all. 

Clean slate. Start over. With someone else.

Let her go.

Because the harder you cling, the worse for you.

This is how you look:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

28jtas said:


> I guess I was kind of expecting these replies. Thanks for the blunt truth.


And I'm guessing you aren't liking the advice from those that have been there, done that, because it probably doesn't coincide with your predetermined course of action with this "woman"?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Rottdad42 said:


> If I can find my hot librarian so can you


:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vellocet said:


> And I'm guessing you aren't liking the advice from those that have been there, done that, because it probably doesn't coincide with your predetermined course of action with this "woman"?


It's typical for someone who is still loves the person they have been with for yeas and only recently found out they were cheated on. He is still blinded by his emotion which is pretty normal. I sympathize, OP. It's hard. But what you should do is move on.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> It's typical for someone who is still loves the person they have been with for yeas and only recently found out they were cheated on. He is still blinded by his emotion which is pretty normal. I sympathize, OP. It's hard. But what you should do is move on.


I agree, been there, done that. I call it the desperation phase. The betrayal is new and one doesn't want to look like a failure that "caused" their partner to screw someone else.

But then the eyes open. I hope they open for this guy and he gives her a "b!tch please" and shows her the door.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

28jtas,

If she is really the girl for you, you need to do the 180. In the event that she loves you, she will chase you.

Get your life together work out. Interact with friends. 

She may come back in a few months.

There is a poster WantWifeBack whose wife of a years cheated and left. He was begging for a while but after coming to TAM he cut her off and in the end she changed her mind and wanted to try again. Even said he was tops in the sack. But he decided against it.

He had moved on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Personally I wouldn't bother. If they'd already been married and/or had a kid or two, my advice might have been different. But, then again, given how she's been acting post-affair, probably not.

But yeah, pull a 180 on her, but for the right reason -- to fully detach from her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Read this thread and do what he did

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-past-wifes-3-year-internet-phone-affair.html


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Not married and no kids... Why bother?
> 
> Kick her to the curb and go get an upgrade.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


This is it, really. No kids. Why spend any more of your life on this? You are young. Your girlfriend cheated on you. Sucks. That's kind of the ultimate disrespect, isn't it? Don't drag it out or compound it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> This is it, really. No kids. Why spend any more of your life on this? You are young. Your girlfriend cheated on you. Sucks. That's kind of the ultimate disrespect, isn't it? Don't drag it out or compound it.


My oldest brother married a woman who did this. They got married in 1986. Divorced this fall. 27 years of the most devoid relationship I have ever witnessed. I am so happy for him being free of her (free except for the couple hundred thou she leaches every year, but that is a small price). But she f*cked up their kids pretty bad.

She cheated during the marriage as well and insulted him to friends and family as justification. What you may have to look forward to if you choose this path.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Get rid of her and read those 2 books.

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

28jtas said:


> So, I hope I can get an objective outlook on my current situation and how I am dealing with it.
> 
> I've been with my gf for close to 3 years now (I'm 32, she's 26).



Is this your first girlfriend?



28jtas said:


> For me it was only a matter of time for me to propose to her (putting the money aside etc..).


More like your subconscious mind was bird dogging for you. Consider yourself lucky that this happened now and not after marriage and a few kids. Get down on your knees and say, "Thank you, God." That's what I do when I think about my XLTGF.

I wanted to get her back (and her behavior was much more extreme than your GFs) for about an hour. 

How often do girls hit on you?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

If you stay with her, guarantee you'll be posting here again.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

28 

Why are you the one that thinks the relationship is worth fighting for?

What is your GF fighting for?

Get the truth about what your GF is up to now.

I guaranty you that when you find the truth you will no longer feel the same about her.

She does not respect you.

How about you respecting yourself.

HM


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> My oldest brother married a woman who did this. They got married in 1986. Divorced this fall. 27 years of the most devoid relationship I have ever witnessed. I am so happy for him being free of her (free except for the couple hundred thou she leaches every year, but that is a small price). But she f*cked up their kids pretty bad.
> 
> She cheated during the marriage as well and insulted him to friends and family as justification. What you may have to look forward to if you choose this path.


Sounds like she treated him worse than Jesus on "Passion of the Christ".


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