# Love my wife, but still seriously considering divorce



## Doug Harris (Apr 3, 2017)

My wife and I have had our ups and downs, but things have gotten really bad. Before we got married I was set to go back to school to do a work placement program at the community college when my wife got into law school. Law school everything was great and we had our first child. After law school she found a what seemed like a great job with a highly respected local attorney who said she would eventually become a 50 50 partner if everything works out.

That is where things went wrong. 2 1/2 years later my wife was let go and my wife decided to start her own practice. We knew that there would be wild swings at first and there were. Now the wild swings aren't wild, but more like a pendulum losing momentum. 

Utilities were getting turned off every month and when I would ask what is going on it was always it is turning around. I decided to drive Uber on Friday and Saturday night. At that point I said she should consider finding a job at an established firm and close down the business. She said that would make her a failure and what kind of example would that be for our daughters. 

I was able to get all our bills caught up when the shutdown started. My wife said she had a big injection of money she guessed from clients making sure she was paid. We said with the cash, mortgage assistance, the stimulus, and the 600 dollars on top of the regular unemployment we were going to be more than fine.

Fast forward to this past weekend. She hasn't brought in any real money in months, the mortgage help ended awhile ago so the mortgage hasn't been paid in months, and everything has been spent. 
She then went to her parent's house for about a week to help her Mom clean out their old trailer so her Mom's brother can move in. 

While they were gone i had a massive panic attack and had to go to the ER. While she was there she took out a loan to pay the back mortgage. 

I am scared for my kids and my future. Her parents have zero retirement savings and with her father's age and declining health he has less than 5 yrs of being able to work. What scares me the most is that my wife and her sister continue to use their parents as more than a safety net. 

I am scared that if we lose the house she will move back to her parent's which i won't do since we don't get along. I am also scared of a bailout from her parents because this will cause bigger problems down the road like them controlling us and my wife will keep going until the day her parents can't bailout her out and we will be worse off than we are now. 

I do love my wife, but she is drowning and bringing us down with her. My mom and two of my friends have both said I need to consider leaving.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I would lay it all out on the line and tell her exactly how you feel.

Maybe something like this:
“Honey... I love you so much and I’m glad we made a life together that lasted this long. Unfortunately there has been some drastic changes in our life that will vastly affect both the children and my life. As a responsible adult I need you to either get a real job or take care of our kids so I can get a real job. The current situation of your failing enterprise and codependency on your parents is no longer acceptable. Our marriage is at stake in regards to this required action. “


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## Doug Harris (Apr 3, 2017)

The only thing she will remember me saying is "Our marriage is at stake in regards to this required action“.

The issue now with her finding a job is now there really isn't any. In fact many of the established firms are having to diversify more than they are already to find clients. The time to have done it was when I said it almost a year ago. 

I have brought up the codependency on her parents many times and all I ever hear us "without my parents we wouldn't have a house". The problem is we would have been better off if we never had bought the house because we were never really able to afford it. 

If I do leave her parents will say "Doug is breaking his vows because for better or worse". But my wife took out a loan without consulting me. The loan to pay off the back mortgage would be a good idea if there was a solid plan to pay it back, but there isn't. This wasn't the first time either she bought a car we couldn't afford because her parents told her to. 

I dont consider this better or worse. This is someone who A) was never really married in the first place I was just a child her parents adopted and B) selfishly is drowning not only herself, but everyone around her.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Well, if you love her and don't want to lose your marriage AND your house, you have to do SOMETHING...have you spoken to her yet...?? It doesn't matter HOW she reacts to you, you need to give her a reality-check...how about if YOU just go get a job? What she tells her parents or how it looks to them or for her business has NO bearing on the fact that there is NO money, and if she isn't willing to contribute, then you have got to!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Doug Harris how old are your children?
Do you work or is all the finances on your wife? How are you contributing financially?
Why are you not more involved in the financial decision making? Is it because you are not contributing and finances are all on her and then she turns to her family for support? Maybe I have read that wrong?

To my mind, a couple need to be both contributing and discussing these issues. From what little you have posted, it appears when times are good you are in the marriage but now times are bad you are out.


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