# how do i get over feeling like the bad guy?



## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

this is the second time in 5 months i have had two feet out the door and have been ready to move on and file divorce papers. last time, my husband convinced me he would change and begged for another chance, and lo and behold, nothing happened. predictably, he is saying the same thing this time around. i asked him what was different this time, and he said "he just feels different and more capable."

i don't have any faith in him whatsoever. i don't believe he'll make any of the changes he needs to make. and what's more, even if he did by some miracle manage to become a responsible adult and father, i don't think my feelings for him will ever come back. i've been through enough emotional abuse and having to play mommy to him that it's killed any romantic feeling i had for him at all.

he just doesn't understand this and he's not willing to try. he claims i'm the love of his life and i should always be willing to give him another chance if it means keeping our family together (we have a 15 month old daughter). i kept insisting on divorce but he wore me down by insisting i would be breaking up our family for good and how could i do such a thing? i relented and said i would file for legal separation instead and if he could get a job and take his meds regularly (he has moderate depression - that we know of) and spend more time with our daughter, i would consider spending more time with him in a friendly capacity. but no promises of a rekindled relationship.

i'm pretty sure the only part of that he heard was that i'd spend more time with him because now he's always asking me to hang out and do date-like things and makes jokes about being romantically or sexually involved and it grosses me out and makes me incredibly uncomfortable. this just further cements my feelings about the situation. i just do not want to be with him anymore. i can't stand him and i cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with him. but i know if i go back on our "agreement" and serve him with divorce papers, he'll go ballistic.

so how do i stop feeling like the bad guy here? i know after what he's put me through i have no obligation to him, and he will "admit" that too, but then he'll still say i really should give him another chance because "after all i'm still your husband." so he really doesn't get or doesn't care about the damage he's done so much as he cares about keeping me in his life to control. i just hate dealing with the guilt trips he tries to put me through and it's not like i can just not speak to him because we have a daughter that i'd like him to have a relationship with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know what you are dealing with as far as why you want him to change... I did not go back and read your previous posts so I'm not sure if there is abuse or what's going on. So just keep in mind that I'm giving a general answer.

If there is truly abuse... I mean physical abuse or real emotional abuse then it's important that you leave. I would never suggest that someone who is being physically abused to leave. 

You need to make a decision on what you want to do. Then you need to act on it. I have a feeling that it’s your own indecisiveness that is a huge catalyst to your being unhappy.

If you decide that you want a divorce, then take the next 2-3 weeks planning it. Do not say anything to him until he is served, or you give him the papers, however it’s done. Stop talking to him about things. Stop doing things with him. It’s over. It’s done. If you need to move out to get the separation you need, then do that. Get the advice of an attorney about your children as he has as much right to be the primary parent as you do. So if this is your choice. What are the 10 top things you need to do?

If your choice is to give the marriage and him a chance, then get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Tell him that the only way you will stay in the marriage is if he read with books with you and does the work they lay out. You might also want to get a marriage counselor. Your plan for this is mostly laid out in the books. You can fall back in love with him.. if both of you do the work.


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## smorgasbord (May 28, 2013)

he is emotionally abusive. when he's not on his meds that manifests in the form of screaming/yelling and hurling insults at me, throwing things, threatening to be physically abusive but never following through. when he is on his meds it takes on a more subtle form: gaslighting/crazy-making, defining reality, making insulting "jokes", denying responsibility for anything and everything and placing blame on me, etc.

what needs to change is his emotionally abusive habits, his lack of motivation and laziness, and his irresponsibility. he has been unemployed since may of last year, goes on and off his meds and takes them inconsistently, doesn't pay bills on time or sometimes at all (so i do it because we are on the same car insurance and cell phone plan), doesn't see his daughter often and is generally a pain in the ass and an unpleasant person.

we actually have been living apart since october of last year. he defintely does not need to be the primary parent. i have been our daughter's primary caregiver since she was born. she won't go to sleep at night for anyone else but me and he has JUST now been spending more time with her this past week. before that he couldn't be bothered often. he has threatened to take her away from me and then to not see her at all depending on which one he thought would hurt me more at the time. i do want them to have a relationship and for him to see her on a regular basis, but he does not need even 50/50 custody of her until she is older and more able to adjust to that.

it's not so much that i'm indecisive as it is every time i make a decision and stick to it, he tries to reel me back in. and i hate it and i don't want this at all, i want out. but he guilt trips me and i hate dealing with his tantrums and him trying to turn other people against me because i don't want to be with him anymore. i KNOW what i want, i just don't know how to get there on the path with the least fallout.

i don't feel like i can fall back in love with him or that i really want to. we have been to a marriage counselor and he was great, but i just don't want to commit to him. i committed to him for basically 2 years while he was chatting up other women and sexting them behind my back, all the while telling me i was worthless every day. and now he wants to change his tune and make things right, but i'm done.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

smorgasbord said:


> i'm pretty sure the only part of that he heard was that i'd spend more time with him because now he's always asking me to hang out and do date-like things and makes jokes about being romantically or sexually involved and it grosses me out and makes me incredibly uncomfortable. this just further cements my feelings about the situation. i just do not want to be with him anymore. i can't stand him and i cannot see myself spending the rest of my life with him. but i know if i go back on our "agreement" and serve him with divorce papers, he'll go ballistic.
> 
> so how do i stop feeling like the bad guy here? i know after what he's put me through i have no obligation to him, and he will "admit" that too, but then he'll still say i really should give him another chance because "after all i'm still your husband." so he really doesn't get or doesn't care about the damage he's done so much as he cares about keeping me in his life to control. i just hate dealing with the guilt trips he tries to put me through and it's not like i can just not speak to him because we have a daughter that i'd like him to have a relationship with





smorgasbord said:


> it's not so much that i'm indecisive as it is every time i make a decision and stick to it, he tries to reel me back in. and i hate it and i don't want this at all, i want out. but he guilt trips me and i hate dealing with his tantrums and him trying to turn other people against me because i don't want to be with him anymore. i KNOW what i want, i just don't know how to get there on the path with the least fallout.
> 
> i don't feel like i can fall back in love with him or that i really want to. we have been to a marriage counselor and he was great, but i just don't want to commit to him. i committed to him for basically 2 years while he was chatting up other women and sexting them behind my back, all the while telling me i was worthless every day. and now he wants to change his tune and make things right, but i'm done.


You KNOW that you are done, its time to rip that bandaid off and just do it. I have been where you are, more than once actually. You are not the "bad guy" in this. You know from previous experience that promises to change are just empty, and you have given chance after chance. Your daughter is young enough that she will adjust quickly and will never even remember the two of you together. All you are doing now is prolonging your torment.


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