# Triad/Polyamory relationship



## capn_stabby

Me and my wife of 5 years have recently become interested in another girl. At first, it was just a "threesome" kind of idea, but the more time we spend with her, the more we like her. My wife was actually the first to talk about a 'three way relationship', which means that between the three of us, we would have a relationship with each of the other two individually and together (hopefully that makes sense). This would be a closed relationship, so not like swinging or anything. This would let us all go out with at least one other person, and we could rotate who stays home with the kids. We feel that since we all have a great relationship with communication and trust, we could make it work great if we choose to, or break it off if needed.

My question is, has anyone had any experience with this type of relationship? I'm just wondering if there is anything that would be unanticipated that we haven't thought of. We haven't really talked about it since we brought it up a few weeks ago, but it sounds like something that would be great to at least try.


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## As You Wish

It doesn't sound great to me at all. No way would I want to stay home while DH went out with another woman. Jealousy, misunderstanding, grief, misery is what you'll get. Not a fun, fancy-free playmate like you're envisioning. 

But I think any extra people in a marriage are a bad idea, so I may not be the opinion you're looking for.


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## lamaga

There are quite a few polyamory forums where you could probably get some more appropriate advice.

I'd never do it, and I doubt that many people here would, so our comments will inevitably be biased.


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## anchorwatch

Bad idea!


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## ScaredandUnsure

Someone would get punched, hard. In the face.


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## capn_stabby

lamaga said:


> There are quite a few polyamory forums where you could probably get some more appropriate advice.
> 
> I'd never do it, and I doubt that many people here would, so our comments will inevitably be biased.



Sounds good. I've always heard bad things about trying this sort of thing. I feel we have a better relationship than the average couple that could easily survive in case it didn't work though. We've talked a lot about that already and have the understanding of what could happen, and also understand that we are still each others number one; either one of us can end it if we feel like its not working in a way we are comfortable with, and then its done. 

We have visited forums centered around polyamory, but those all seem to be 'open' relationships, which isn't what we are looking for. So that is only partially relevant to our situation. I understand the bias, but thank you for responding. No serious input is bad IMO.


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## CallaLily

Just out of curiosity, what do you or your wife feel this third party can bring to your relationship, that just the two of you can't provide for one another?


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## bribrius

i saw a episode of that "sister wives" show. i cant fathom why a man would want to deal with more than one wife. Just one is another fulltime job.

i had that fantasy crap when i was younger about the mormon mulitple wife like thing.

Then i got just one wife and it quickly went away.


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## capn_stabby

CallaLily said:


> Just out of curiosity, what do you or your wife feel this third party can bring to your relationship, that just the two of you can't provide for one another?



There's really nothing that we NEED to have from this other person. After being together 7 years, we still have a very strong relationship together. We aren't actively looking for a person to bring into our relationship; its not the lifestyle that led us to the person, its the person that led us to the lifestyle. We have been meeting with this person regularly (non sexual) for about a month, and we all get along really well. My wife doesn't really consider herself bi, but does have an attraction to this person, as do I. She has a good mix of mine and my wife's interests, so both of us have something in common with this person on some level. We aren't extremely social people, so having this person in our relationship would allow us to enjoy our otherwise ignored interests.

Being such a big change to what we are used to, chances are it won't even happen, and I'm ok with that too. However, if we DO have the opportunity, I want to be sure that we are aware of as much as possible regarding what to expect.

Right now, we are just taking the 'let's just see what happens' approach, so nothing will be forced.


(I had to piece that together and I don't have the time to reformat, so sorry if the flow isn't there)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

So when your wife was the first to talk about the new idea, was it with you or was this other woman involved in the discussion? It sounds like maybe the other woman is not really very well aware of your intentions. You never said specifically that you had talked about it with the other woman. 

It might be easier to hire a babysitter and go out and sit at a table at a bar and have your fantasies with what is walking around, and to keep it at the fantasy, rather than reality, level. 

You and your wife are bonded together in marriage. A third party cannot become bonded to you in marriage. So when push comes to shove she has no vested interest in resolving any issues to anyone's advantage other than her own. Be careful what you wish for, in case you get it.


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## Almostrecovered

well this is different than your standard polygamy arrangement as the wife and the extra woman will also be "in love" with each other and be sexual etc

I'll just say that it is hard enough making a marriage work with 2 people, couldn't imagine 3, especially when their periods sync up


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## capn_stabby

bribrius said:


> i saw a episode of that "sister wives" show. i cant fathom why a man would want to deal with more than one wife. Just one is another fulltime job.
> 
> i had that fantasy crap when i was younger about the mormon mulitple wife like thing.
> 
> Then i got just one wife and it quickly went away.


Yeah, we watch that too. I still don't know how he does that with 4 wives. That's different from what i'm considering, since in that scenario, person A has a relationship with person B, C, D, and E, and thats it. In our case, Person A would have a relationship with B and C, B would have one with A and C, and C would have one with A and B. So, instead of separating the relationships, we just mix it all into one big relationship. 

That might make more sense in my head...sorry if that's confusing.

On a related note, the family in Sister Wives has, in my opinion, a much happier family than what you see on most other shows, or even real life relationships for that matter. I firmly believe it has to do with the people involved. You may have what seems like a great relationship, but without trust and communication, it could break down at any time. Trust and communication are top priority in our relationship as it is. We went for a while with a lack in our communication, and we definitely noticed a change in 
our lives for the worst. Once we got over that, its been nothing less than great ever since.


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## pidge70

Do you have children?


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## Vanton68

capn_stabby said:


> There's really nothing that we NEED to have from this other person. After being together 7 years, we still have a very strong relationship together. We aren't actively looking for a person to bring into our relationship; its not the lifestyle that led us to the person, its the person that led us to the lifestyle. We have been meeting with this person regularly (non sexual) for about a month, and we all get along really well. My wife doesn't really consider herself bi, but does have an attraction to this person, as do I. She has a good mix of mine and my wife's interests, so both of us have something in common with this person on some level. We aren't extremely social people, so having this person in our relationship would allow us to enjoy our otherwise ignored interests.
> 
> Being such a big change to what we are used to, chances are it won't even happen, and I'm ok with that too. However, if we DO have the opportunity, I want to be sure that we are aware of as much as possible regarding what to expect.
> 
> Right now, we are just taking the 'let's just see what happens' approach, so nothing will be forced.
> 
> 
> (I had to piece that together and I don't have the time to reformat, so sorry if the flow isn't there)


Lucky guy. Your wife wants to bring in another woman, while some other wives just want to screw another guy behind the loyal husbands back. Lucky @##[email protected] guy!!


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## capn_stabby

Almostrecovered said:


> well this is different than your standard polygamy arrangement as the wife and the extra woman will also be "in love" with each other and be sexual etc
> 
> I'll just say that it is hard enough making a marriage work with 2 people, couldn't imagine 3, especially when their periods sync up


which they would eventually. That would be my man vacation. They can keep each other company that week. 

I'm not even fully 'up' on the correct terminology, but polygamy is definitely not the right word to describe this. Even polyamory is too loosely defined. The best we've found is a 'triad relationship'. Regardless of what you call it though, it's as i've desribed it above.


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## Maricha75

No way could that work in my marriage. I don't share...and neither does my husband.


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## Anubis

I know a couple of triads that have (so far) been successful that meet your definition ( monogamous/ not 'open ), but I've known a *whole lot more* that didn't make it (and the flame-outs often are spectacular). The general survival odds of such don't appear to be kind. (waiting to see what happens to my ex's latest poly situation)

An interesting aside: The two successful (so far) triads I am thinking of involve people engaging in a serious D/s lifestyle - not so much on the kink and play end of the spectrum, but focused on the rules, roles and responsibility end of the spectrum. I suspect that structure and seriousness that gives may be a factor in their success (makes sense, because the same works for vanilla monogamy).

On a very personal level, my fiance and I have discussed these scenarios. For her, she would not be able to overcome jealousy and insecurity sufficiently as #1 factor no matter how perfect a situation. For me, the work and effort continually expended on the relationship would be the first deal-breaker encountered. There's no way without violating the laws of physics that I could give two women each as much I am giving her right now - the math doesn't add up. Out of those discussions, we've taken the understanding we've gained and applied that to some of the other relationship boundaries we've worked out (like with opposite sex friends).


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## capn_stabby

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> So when your wife was the first to talk about the new idea, was it with you or was this other woman involved in the discussion? It sounds like maybe the other woman is not really very well aware of your intentions. You never said specifically that you had talked about it with the other woman.
> 
> It might be easier to hire a babysitter and go out and sit at a table at a bar and have your fantasies with what is walking around, and to keep it at the fantasy, rather than reality, level.
> 
> You and your wife are bonded together in marriage. A third party cannot become bonded to you in marriage. So when push comes to shove she has no vested interest in resolving any issues to anyone's advantage other than her own. Be careful what you wish for, in case you get it.



Missed this post before.

This person (who is openly bi) is aware that we like her to that degree. Again, it's not forced, so we are still just getting together as friends. She has made it clear (non verbally) that she will only react to my wife when it comes to certain things, which I wouldn't want any other way. This keeps everything moving at a comfortable pace for everyone, since my wife is definitely not an aggressive person.

Marriage is only between two people, true, but that is something bound by government and religion. How you feel about someone is much greater than that. To say that you can't ever be in a meaningful relationship because of the rules of a religion or government is basically covering up who you are to abide by a belief system, and I refuse to live a certain way just because that way is considered "normal". Me and my wife will determine the best way for us to live our lives, and I will respect her feelings toward that as she will mine. My wife will always come first to me, because we have a great relationship, we have history, and we've been there for each other through very trying times.


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## humanbecoming

capn_stabby said:


> we are still each others number one; either one of us can end it if we feel like its not working in a way we are comfortable with, and then its done.



Hmmm...here is where your issue is.... This third person has no input, feelings, or concerns, they are just a convenient toy for you two? 

THAT could lead to some serious drama down the road.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

People get pregnant, people can get std's, people can get seriously ill, either physically or emotionally, people can be brought up in lawsuits say if they cause an accident or are subject to liability, they can become victims of stalking in which case you and your family are also de facto victims...there are a lot of things people take on when they get married or get in a committed relationship that they don't think about. They think about how it will work, how awesome it is, how they will avoid the common pitfalls that are in everyone's mind, namely emotional health. They don't think about all the issues created by day to day logistics. *You don't know this person very well, only a few months? And yet you guys essentially want to marry her? It sounds like your agreement on this count of becoming involved with her is getting more weight than the usual question of how well you should know someone before you let them permanently into your home and hearts and your day to day life. *In my opinion, you haven't 'dated' her long enough. You are essentially thinking about her in a sexual way, and framing the logistics to support the desire to have her in your sex life. I think that sounds disrespecful. It's like saying as a widower that you are going to marry someone because you can have sex with them and it will feel good, and you won't have to pay for a sitter when you go out with your bowling league. I don't see enough evidence that involving this person in your life is anything more than for sexual reasons. That just doesn't meet my criteria for a committed relationship, sorry!


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## capn_stabby

humanbecoming said:


> Hmmm...here is where your issue is.... This third person has no input, feelings, or concerns, they are just a convenient toy for you two?
> 
> THAT could lead to some serious drama down the road.



No, that is not the case. As it is at this point in time, we don't have a relationship with that person. As anyone in a good relationship knows, everyone involved will have say...that is communication, one of the keys. The reason I said what I did, and what I meant by that, was that if it came down to choosing something that could potentially harm our relationship, I would choose to side with my wife. That is just one of our agreements going into this. As with any relationship, compromise is something to consider as well. It's hard to say just how an issue would be dealt with until presented with it, but having my wife be number 1 is a base understanding that we have already established.


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## capn_stabby

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> People get pregnant, people can get std's, people can get seriously ill, either physically or emotionally, people can be brought up in lawsuits say if they cause an accident or are subject to liability, they can become victims of stalking in which case you and your family are also de facto victims...there are a lot of things people take on when they get married or get in a committed relationship that they don't think about. They think about how it will work, how awesome it is, how they will avoid the common pitfalls that are in everyone's mind, namely emotional health. They don't think about all the issues created by day to day logistics. *You don't know this person very well, only a few months? And yet you guys essentially want to marry her? It sounds like your agreement on this count of becoming involved with her is getting more weight than the usual question of how well you should know someone before you let them permanently into your home and hearts and your day to day life. *In my opinion, you haven't 'dated' her long enough. You are essentially thinking about her in a sexual way, and framing the logistics to support the desire to have her in your sex life. I think that sounds disrespecful. It's like saying as a widower that you are going to marry someone because you can have sex with them and it will feel good, and you won't have to pay for a sitter when you go out with your bowling league. I don't see enough evidence that involving this person in your life is anything more than for sexual reasons. That just doesn't meet my criteria for a committed relationship, sorry!



I dated my wife for two years before we got married. Anything besides 'dating' is still a long way off. I'm simply trying to go into this situation with as much knowledge as I can, as early as I can. We have not even spoken a word about marriage. There is a long way to go and a lot to learn about how our particular dynamics will work before that is even brought up. 
That's what dating is all about.

Sure, this is not a standard dating scenario, but everything you mentioned above can happen in a two person relationship as well. It's all going to depend on the person involved. Granted, those are worst case scenarios, or close to it. Given that, if this person is sane (which i'm fairly confident that they are by now), I'd say the chances of any of that are slim.


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## Beelzebub

I LOVE THE IDEA, Can I join.


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## Coffee Amore

I seriously doubt you'll find the level of support and information you're looking for here. This forum is about a marriage between two people. You're better off Googling for polyamorous relationship forums. 

I can't fathom having a polyamorous relationship. First, I'm not bi and second, any woman who tries to initiate any romantic contact with my husband is going to know the true meaning of the word pain. As my kindergarten teacher said in my first ever report card, I don't share well.  
Lastly, the amount of open communication and honesty that is required to make a 3-person relationship is hard for most people. It's hard enough to make a typical marriage work.


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## This is me

Usually things that start out with "Poly" end up badly. What was that clothing material?


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## This is me

Polymyositis — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, treatment of this inflammatory muscle disease.

Polymyalgia rheumatica — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, treatment of widespread muscle aches and stiffness.


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## Machiavelli

A few questions:

Do you have kids now?

Does Newgirl have kids?

How much do you know about current research into the female bisexuality spectrum?

Now, with regards to religious attitudes on this arrangement, it all depends on your religion. Do you have one and, if so, what is it?

Ever heard of Melissa James, Kelly Ryan, and Craig Titus?

This sounds to me like a great arrangement, with a very limited chance of final success, but there is a chance. You've got to evaluate the risks and rewards very carefully and you better know more than most about female sexuality or you're going to end up alone. I think it can be done, but you're going to have to really be on your game like nothing else you've ever done.


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## Conrad

I would add the odds of losing it all are much much higher than the odds of it being successful.

The triangle is the weakest formation of all - especially if it gets turned upside down.


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## trey69

If the third party was a guy would that be ok too? Sorry if you have already mentioned that, I may have missed it.


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## Almostrecovered

trey69 said:


> If the third party was a guy would that be ok too? Sorry if you have already mentioned that, I may have missed it.



well if the men were bisexual then why wouldnt it be? but I dont think OP is bi but his wife is


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## trey69

Almostrecovered said:


> well if the men were bisexual then why wouldnt it be? but I dont think OP is bi but his wife is


Maybe unless he likes to just watch his wife with another man, but who knows.


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## Cosmos

I've heard of these sort of relationships going badly wrong. Instances where the wife became jealous of the other woman and it caused a breakdown of the marriage, and another situation where the other woman developed feelings for the man and deliberately got pregnant in the hope of luring him away from his wife...

As you have children to consider, I would think long and hard about the wisdom of this sort of relationship.


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## Almostrecovered

Risks>rewards


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## anonim

i think you guys are missing the point. this isnt about the sex, its about the relationship.

To the OP.

IF both you and you're wife are ok with it, theres nothing wrong with a polyamorous relationship, just as long as;

1) you pick your partner (or your unicorn, as is called in the poly community) carefully. You have to be absolutely truthful about what you feel about them, each other and yourself. You have to be absolutely truthful about your respective relationship histories, sexual histories, anything that you think you would want to know if you were them. There can be no holding back what you feel about any given thing or situation, big or small, not even to make your partner(s) happy. If you do hold back your feelings, they *will *bite you in the ass later with all the resentment multiplied by the time you held them in.

2) *everyone * communicates honestly and openly. Do not dismiss, destructively criticize or minimize anyone's feelings, thoughts or opinions. This is _mandatory_.

3) The relationship develops at the slowest persons pace. This could well mean that the relationship with your third, progresses (for both of you) much slower than a monogamous relationship. So be it. There is no rushing, pushing, coercion.

If i can think of more, i'll add to this or post again. good luck with your relationship!


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## capn_stabby

Sorry for the long pause.

Neither me nor my wife would be comfortable with another guy. As mentioned, I'm not bi, and my wife has shown no serious interest in being with other guys.

And I agree, there is a larger chance that it will not work as opposed to working flawlessly. However, my wife and I do have a very good relationship as is. If we didn't, then we would not even consider doing something like a triad relationship. I find keeping our current relationship surprisingly simple. Honestly, we are amazed at the problems that we see our friends and relatives go through day. For example, just the other night, her relatives were over, and one of them had this huge episode because she thought her bf was flirting with that is the subject of our dilemma. And no, he and her were not because I was sitting next to her through the alleged flirting. 

The fact that my wife and I's relationship is so strong allows us to say "well, we tried and it didn't work. but at least we tried and know." We are aware that, according to the stats, its likely to fail. For now, we are still willing to at least let it progress "naturally" and see where we end up. We are not emotional to the point where logic is blatantly disregarded, which will make it possible to discuss any issues and resolve them without clouded judgement; specifically the common jealousy issues. If it gets to that point, we, as a couple, will just have to "break up" with our new girlfriend. Not all relationships work out for whatever reason, and this is no different.


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## capn_stabby

anonim said:


> i think you guys are missing the point. this isnt about the sex, its about the relationship.
> 
> To the OP.
> 
> IF both you and you're wife are ok with it, theres nothing wrong with a polyamorous relationship, just as long as;
> 
> 1) you pick your partner (or your unicorn, as is called in the poly community) carefully. You have to be absolutely truthful about what you feel about them, each other and yourself. You have to be absolutely truthful about your respective relationship histories, sexual histories, anything that you think you would want to know if you were them. There can be no holding back what you feel about any given thing or situation, big or small, not even to make your partner(s) happy. If you do hold back your feelings, they *will *bite you in the ass later with all the resentment multiplied by the time you held them in.
> 
> 2) *everyone * communicates honestly and openly. Do not dismiss, destructively criticize or minimize anyone's feelings, thoughts or opinions. This is _mandatory_.
> 
> 3) The relationship develops at the slowest persons pace. This could well mean that the relationship with your third, progresses (for both of you) much slower than a monogamous relationship. So be it. There is no rushing, pushing, coercion.
> 
> If i can think of more, i'll add to this or post again. good luck with your relationship!



VERY good points! Thank you! I've tried to make it clear in a few of my posts that trust and communication are the biggest and most important aspects of our current relationship, long before even contemplating this.

1) In that it was the person that led us to the lifestyle, not the other way around; also, communication.

2) This is that communication thing i was talking about. That with trust, to me, implies honesty. I think I will start mentioning honesty on its own from now on.

3) I've mentioned this as well at least once also. We are not actively pursuing this, we are taking a "natural" progression attitude. Like I said, it is pretty much at my wife's pace at this point, which i'm completely ok with. Nothing is being forced upon anyone, and that is something that we have all discussed and understand.



...And to respond to a previous post, Yes, we have kids (2) and so does she (1). They range in age from 1 - 4 and get along great.


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## Jimena

If you did not have kids, cool. I would say it's really worth a shot.
However, a relationship as serious and involved as you describe will seriously screw up your kids. They don't notice now, they're too young. As soon as they begin to comprehend relationships (6ish) they are going to begin by looking at yours and developing frameworks for their own current/future relationships based on that. Eventually, they will have difficulty forming normal relationships and be very confused when confronted by other more ordinary examples of relationships.


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## Jeff/BC

Anubis said:


> I know a couple of triads that have (so far) been successful that meet your definition ( monogamous/ not 'open ), but I've known a *whole lot more* that didn't make it (and the flame-outs often are spectacular). The general survival odds of such don't appear to be kind.


That would mirror my limited experience with this.



> An interesting aside: The two successful (so far) triads I am thinking of involve people engaging in a serious D/s lifestyle - not so much on the kink and play end of the spectrum, but focused on the rules, roles and responsibility end of the spectrum. I suspect that structure and seriousness that gives may be a factor in their success (makes sense, because the same works for vanilla monogamy).


Also what I have observed. In the few success cases what I've seen is a *strong and competent* leader and two strong and dedicated followers -- all with a high degree of honor. And honestly, it kind of makes sense that that would work. By the time you're talking about 3 top-shelf folks with a clear chain of command then you should be able to accomplish pretty much anything. I've pondered adding a 3rd myself from time to time (in a detached sort of way) and that's pretty much how I've thought of it.

I also agree with the others who have said that this forum isn't optimal for this question.


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## capn_stabby

Jimena said:


> If you did not have kids, cool. I would say it's really worth a shot.
> However, a relationship as serious and involved as you describe will seriously screw up your kids. They don't notice now, they're too young. As soon as they begin to comprehend relationships (6ish) they are going to begin by looking at yours and developing frameworks for their own current/future relationships based on that. Eventually, they will have difficulty forming normal relationships and be very confused when confronted by other more ordinary examples of relationships.



That is something that we have discussed briefly (being as early in the relationship as we are), to not do something based on what "ordinary" people will think of it is not even a factor. We are going to raise our kids (and have already up to this point) to do what is best for THEM, not those who view them. In my opinion, this is the best way to live your life anyway. This works both ways as well...I think "ordinary" people should not push their beliefs on other people who live differently, such as gay couples who wish to be married. It's not the person with another belief that should change, its the person that is judging that should be more accepting.


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## Beowulf

capn,

I have a question for you. If you peruse these forums you will see the numerous betrayals of vows that have occurred. The cry of "but he/she promised is often times deafening. What makes you think that just because you and your wife agree on "rules" now things won't change down the line? What if your wife decides that she is really more gay than bisexual and falls deeply in love with this other woman and they decide to start a life together WITHOUT YOU. There have been many threads on TAM of this exact situation occurring. And I don't mean to belittle your statement that you have a "very strong relationship" but that statement has been uttered by many betrayed spouses before. Usually right before one spouse or the other files for divorce or separation.


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## capn_stabby

Also, I won't say that I am overly dominant, but I feel there is a defined, but not obvious, structure.


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## capn_stabby

Beowulf said:


> capn,
> 
> I have a question for you. If you peruse these forums you will see the numerous betrayals of vows that have occurred. The cry of "but he/she promised is often times deafening. What makes you think that just because you and your wife agree on "rules" now things won't change down the line? What if your wife decides that she is really more gay than bisexual and falls deeply in love with this other woman and they decide to start a life together WITHOUT YOU. There have been many threads on TAM of this exact situation occurring. And I don't mean to belittle your statement that you have a "very strong relationship" but that statement has been uttered by many betrayed spouses before. Usually right before one spouse or the other files for divorce or separation.



That is a very real possibility because there really is no way to tell in ANY relationship what will happen in the future. I can't tell you in a forum WHY I feel our relationship is strong enough to survive this and even worse, but I have no doubt that it is. If it were to turn out that way, I would be just as surprised as I am hurt. I would not be bitter or hateful though. I wouldn't necessarily like it, but for the sake of still having her in my life, I would stay civil and supportive as much as I could. I wouldn't want to have her stay with me if her heart was no longer in the relationship. She would not be happy, and neither would I. At the end of the day, a relationship with someone should be the source of the majority of your happiness, or you are doing it for the wrong reasons.


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## Jeff/BC

capn_stabby said:


> That is a very real possibility because there really is no way to tell in ANY relationship what will happen in the future.


The possibility that I dwell on for myself... and the one that was mentioned earlier... was what happens when it does all go wrong? I, myself, am not prepared to extend love to another human and then suddenly say, "Oops, sorry. You and Carol aren't getting along so you need to go." I don't see people as disposable in that way.


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## Beowulf

capn_stabby said:


> That is a very real possibility because there really is no way to tell in ANY relationship what will happen in the future. I can't tell you in a forum WHY I feel our relationship is strong enough to survive this and even worse, but I have no doubt that it is. If it were to turn out that way, I would be just as surprised as I am hurt. I would not be bitter or hateful though. I wouldn't necessarily like it, but for the sake of still having her in my life, I would stay civil and supportive as much as I could. I wouldn't want to have her stay with me if her heart was no longer in the relationship. She would not be happy, and neither would I. At the end of the day, a relationship with someone should be the source of the majority of your happiness, or you are doing it for the wrong reasons.


But why would you actively seek to put another person in YOUR relationship? Why court disaster?

If I left my wife in the care of another man would I be shocked if she eventually developed feelings for him? Would I be shocked if her feelings for him eventually dwarfed her feelings for me? Why would I put us in that type of situation?

By doing this you are effectively bulldozing the good boundaries that all married couples have. Boundaries that protect the couple and make the individuals feel safe in the relationship. Someone brought up the analogy of a hierarchy of leadership. This brought to mind a military mindset. How would the military function without organization and boundaries? What if each soldier could wear whatever uniform that suited them at the time. How would that organization function?

There is a reason that people break up into couples. Its so that they can focus their energy and attention on each other. Adding a third to me seems like it would dilute everyone's feelings and commitment. You may think that your relationship is strong now but if your wife believes you are devoting too much attention on the other woman watch how quickly the relationship deteriorates. Or like I said before, if your wife decides she desires the touch of the other woman more than yours watch how quickly your body agenda kicks in and the jealous feelings you probably don't think you have surface and make themselves known.

I think you need to do a lot more reading about human mating behavior and the way men and women approach relationships before you decide to plunge headlong into this type of trinity affiliation. May I suggest you begin with the works of Dr. Helen Fisher and go from there.


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## capn_stabby

Jeff/BC said:


> The possibility that I dwell on for myself... and the one that was mentioned earlier... was what happens when it does all go wrong? I, myself, am not prepared to extend love to another human and then suddenly say, "Oops, sorry. You and Carol aren't getting along so you need to go." I don't see people as disposable in that way.



If you truly believe this, then you have thrown away any person in any duo relationship you were in that didn't work out. With communication, everyone knows what they are getting into before hand and how we will approach foreseeable issues, including the one you mention. If that scenario plays out, we will act on our agreed upon actions, and "break up". If everyone is honest, trusting, and we communicate, this should be no surprise to anyone involved.

In this type of relationship, each possible pair HAS to get along and be involved with each other. If that is not the case, then there is no triad relationship. Simple as that.


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## Gaia

capn_stabby said:


> If you truly believe this, then you have thrown away any person in any duo relationship you were in that didn't work out. With communication, everyone knows what they are getting into before hand and how we will approach foreseeable issues, including the one you mention. If that scenario plays out, we will act on our agreed upon actions, and "break up". If everyone is honest, trusting, and we communicate, this should be no surprise to anyone involved.


I just have to say this... Nothing always goes as planned.... and even if it was discussed and planned beforehand... there will always be surprises and unexpected events that come into play.


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## capn_stabby

Beowulf said:


> But why would you actively seek to put another person in YOUR relationship? Why court disaster?
> 
> If I left my wife in the care of another man would I be shocked if she eventually developed feelings for him? Would I be shocked if her feelings for him eventually dwarfed her feelings for me? Why would I put us in that type of situation?
> 
> By doing this you are effectively bulldozing the good boundaries that all married couples have. Boundaries that protect the couple and make the individuals feel safe in the relationship. Someone brought up the analogy of a hierarchy of leadership. This brought to mind a military mindset. How would the military function without organization and boundaries? What if each soldier could wear whatever uniform that suited them at the time. How would that organization function?
> 
> There is a reason that people break up into couples. Its so that they can focus their energy and attention on each other. Adding a third to me seems like it would dilute everyone's feelings and commitment. You may think that your relationship is strong now but if your wife believes you are devoting too much attention on the other woman watch how quickly the relationship deteriorates. Or like I said before, if your wife decides she desires the touch of the other woman more than yours watch how quickly your body agenda kicks in and the jealous feelings you probably don't think you have surface and make themselves known.
> 
> I think you need to do a lot more reading about human mating behavior and the way men and women approach relationships before you decide to plunge headlong into this type of trinity affiliation. May I suggest you begin with the works of Dr. Helen Fisher and go from there.



You make some good points and I will be checking out the works of Dr. Fisher. However, implying that the love and affection you have is finite is an assumption. This is like saying that having children mean you now love your spouse less than before because you love another person. I realize this is a different type of love, but it's demonstrating that you don't simply have X number of 'love points' that you are forced to distribute between those that are close to you.

Spending time is another story. Since in this relationship there would be more quality time being spent on each individual, but coming from a total of two people, I think it would be a positive experience for each person involved. Of course, this lifestyle would have to appeal for you to fully see that.


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## capn_stabby

Gaia said:


> I just have to say this... Nothing always goes as planned.... and even if it was discussed and planned beforehand... there will always be surprises and unexpected events that come into play.


That's true, almost nothing ever goes as planned. Duo relationships, vacations, pregnancies, etc... The list goes on and on. For most people, that isn't reason enough not to do something. If you have the ability to think critically, dynamically, even outside the box, you have at least the basics to be able to problem solve. We've been through some rough times in the past, but we are intelligent people who can solve these problems as they are presented. This has worked for us in the past wonderfully with issues that I won't get into here (not marital issues, fyi). I expect a triad relationship to be more difficult to manage, but I have confidence that we can work the problems. So much so that, as of now, I'm still willing to proceed when/if the time comes to do so.


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## Gaia

Being unable to solve a problem at the current time it is presented does not make one unintelligent if that is what your hinting at and although you may be intelligent people... these things called emotions tend to pop up and over ride said intelligence when one least expects it. You may be confident NOW... but perhaps when you do decide to do this... or later on after having done this... one or more of you will start regretting this decision... IF you can manage to make it work for the rest of your life... good for you but as others have stated... a relationship between two people is hard enough as it is... To add another? Have you known this third woman long? Do you know if she has any mental issues? How about STDs? Have you considered her moral beliefs? Spiritual? How about when it comes to finances and raising children? Sex life? Housework? Do you all plan on growing old and wrinkled together? Will you want to add yet another woman to the equation at a later date? Perhaps two might not be enough for you? What if one or both want to add another man or men at a later date? Would you be fine with that?


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## Beowulf

capn_stabby said:


> You make some good points and I will be checking out the works of Dr. Fisher. However, implying that the love and affection you have is finite is an assumption. This is like saying that having children mean you now love your spouse less than before because you love another person. I realize this is a different type of love, but it's demonstrating that you don't simply have X number of 'love points' that you are forced to distribute between those that are close to you.
> 
> Spending time is another story. Since in this relationship there would be more quality time being spent on each individual, but coming from a total of two people, I think it would be a positive experience for each person involved. Of course, this lifestyle would have to appeal for you to fully see that.


Your statement isn't valid. Children are the biological expression of two loving parents. They share a common family culture, a shared history and chemically and biologically speaking they share the DNA of both parents. And to further the point in many marriages the relationship does indeed deteriorate because one or the other parent spends too much time on the children to the ultimate detriment of the other. Marriages have in fact ended over this dynamic.

In the situation you are proposing the third individual shares none of this. They are a completely separate person with their own personal and cultural values. They are also fully developed emotionally and crave an adult emotional bond and not a parental bond that children need. You say that time spent on each individual would be coming from two places rather than one. I on the other hand see that as necessarily taking time away from one to devote to another. When you read the works of Helen Fisher please pay special attention to her explanations of the dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin explanations. These brain chemicals are the basis for our feelings toward our loved ones. Oxytocin in particular is called the pair bonding chemical because it bonds TWO individuals to each other. This chemical cannot bind three individuals together because our brains do not work that way. So in effect one person will always be frozen out of the bonding portion of the relationship. That person will instinctively realize this and their body agenda will respond accordingly.

If you and your wife have a healthy loving relationship I can't see why you would want to jeopardize that with adding another complication to the mix. You seem to imply that what will happen will happen. I counter that with this. I don't know if I will be hit by a truck tomorrow or not. I can't predict that. But I can say that its far more likely that it will happen if I stand in the middle of the highway. Or to put it another way. I will not be the man that jumps off the building and is heard while passing the 50th floor "so far so good."


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## Jimena

I am sorry if you misinterpreted my comments as discouraging bisexuality or encouraging close-mindedness. I was trying to point out that your propose type of relationship could interfere with the healthy social development of your children.
Frankly, when you admitted that how this could affect your children was only a topic "briefly" discussed, I was concerned. It's selfish that you hardly consider how your adult relationships can affect your children's well-being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capn_stabby

Gaia said:


> Being unable to solve a problem at the current time it is presented does not make one unintelligent if that is what your hinting at and although you may be intelligent people... these things called emotions tend to pop up and over ride said intelligence when one least expects it. You may be confident NOW... but perhaps when you do decide to do this... or later on after having done this... one or more of you will start regretting this decision... IF you can manage to make it work for the rest of your life... good for you but as others have stated... a relationship between two people is hard enough as it is... To add another? Have you known this third woman long? Do you know if she has any mental issues? How about STDs? Have you considered her moral beliefs? Spiritual? How about when it comes to finances and raising children? Sex life? Housework? Do you all plan on growing old and wrinkled together? Will you want to add yet another woman to the equation at a later date? Perhaps two might not be enough for you? What if one or both want to add another man or men at a later date? Would you be fine with that?



I'm not implying that problem solving and intelligence go hand in hand, no. I've also never said that we are ready to spend the rest of our lives with this person, nor have I all the answers to all of your questions. Likewise, I'm sure you did not have all the answers and intentions at one month (to answer how long we've known her) as you did when you decided to marry your significant other (assuming you've found that person yet). There are a lot of implications citing the lack of knowledge about this person. While we do know more about her than the average dating couple would know at this point, I'm well aware that an individual is much more complex than that. That being said, It would not make any sense at all to not continue spending time with this person due to lack of knowledge about them personally. If anything, that is a reason to spend more time with this person. The questions will be answered in time, and time is something we are willing...no, REQUIRING, to spend on this. As we learn more about each other, we may find that this is not a good idea. If that is the case, then the 'dating' process has done its job just as it has for most other people.

The way to approach this is slowly and with great attention to detail so any potential issues can be addressed the moment they are noticed, long before they become a real issue. To simply not do something for no other reason than the fear of what could possibly happen under a specific set of circumstances is plain silly to me. The only exception to this is if someone in the relationship feels uncomfortable for that reason. I'll still find it silly, but it will be taken seriously and remedied.

I understand this is a gamble, but there are ways to approach this that will leave everyone an out without anyone getting hurt, especially considering nobody is being pressured into it.


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## capn_stabby

Jimena said:


> I am sorry if you misinterpreted my comments as discouraging bisexuality or encouraging close-mindedness. I was trying to point out that your propose type of relationship could interfere with the healthy social development of your children.
> Frankly, when you admitted that how this could affect your children was only a topic "briefly" discussed, I was concerned. It's selfish that you hardly consider how your adult relationships can affect your children's well-being.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't misinterpret, I was simply pointing out what I saw as a generalization of the majority not accepting those who don't fit the norm, as defined by society/church/whathaveyou.

I feel like a broken record repeating this, but this is in VERY early stages. To start to consider how a relationship would effect our children at this early of a stage would just be assuming that we are ready to live together or more. That's just not the case.

How our kids would be affected will be addressed with plenty of time to spare and with just as much time and care of any other aspect of this...but only when the time is right. To do it now would imply that our triad relationship is in full swing, which it is clearly not, or I would have all the answers and wouldn't have to post here for all your opinions and thoughts.


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## Gaia

I am still quite baffled at how you AND your wife.. can DATE a third person. Being comfortable and secure in a relationship is one thing... but to me.. this just says you two are not getting something from each other that this third person who you have known for... a month.. is providing. Now I'm not saying don't go through with it.. I am just warning that despite your careful, slow planning, despite paying attention to every detail, things may still not go as expected. It's obvious that you plan to go through with this regardless of anyones opinions here but be careful about being too confident about how things will play out. This other woman may end up deciding SHE either wants just your wife... or just you.


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## zsu234

I see divorce in your future.


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## Coffee Amore

While this has all been interesting, I wonder what your ultimate purpose is here. It doesn't seem to me that you want the advice doled out by the regulars here so what are you trying to do... To convince us of the future success of your relationship? To convert others to your way of thinking?


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## capn_stabby

Beowulf said:


> Your statement isn't valid. Children are the biological expression of two loving parents. They share a common family culture, a shared history and chemically and biologically speaking they share the DNA of both parents. And to further the point in many marriages the relationship does indeed deteriorate because one or the other parent spends too much time on the children to the ultimate detriment of the other. Marriages have in fact ended over this dynamic.
> 
> In the situation you are proposing the third individual shares none of this. They are a completely separate person with their own personal and cultural values. They are also fully developed emotionally and crave an adult emotional bond and not a parental bond that children need. You say that time spent on each individual would be coming from two places rather than one. I on the other hand see that as necessarily taking time away from one to devote to another. When you read the works of Helen Fisher please pay special attention to her explanations of the dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin explanations. These brain chemicals are the basis for our feelings toward our loved ones. Oxytocin in particular is called the pair bonding chemical because it bonds TWO individuals to each other. This chemical cannot bind three individuals together because our brains do not work that way. So in effect one person will always be frozen out of the bonding portion of the relationship. That person will instinctively realize this and their body agenda will respond accordingly.
> 
> If you and your wife have a healthy loving relationship I can't see why you would want to jeopardize that with adding another complication to the mix. You seem to imply that what will happen will happen. I counter that with this. I don't know if I will be hit by a truck tomorrow or not. I can't predict that. But I can say that its far more likely that it will happen if I stand in the middle of the highway. Or to put it another way. I will not be the man that jumps off the building and is heard while passing the 50th floor "so far so good."


In fairness, you make a lot of good points that I just can't reply to right now. I will consider these though, thank you for bringing them up.

On the subject of putting yourself in certain positions...that is true. We are not actively looking on poly sites, which is what I mean by not actively looking. Being open to the idea though, yes, of course we put ourselves in a position to get to know this person better, and open to moving forward should that happen. To mirror your analogies with a more optimistic outlook, you likewise will never win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. You also wouldn't skydive without taking time before hand to plan on strapping a parachute to your back.



I started the thread for foresight and opinions not to deter me, but to allow me to make a more educated decision, and to help with planning, preparedness, and insight. So far, you've all given me a run and made me think of a lot of things I've not considered. Thank you for that.


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## Beowulf

Let me throw a few scenarios at you.

You decide to go through with this arrangement. The OW moves in and you decide its not working out. Your wife doesn't agree and insist she stay. How do you handle that?

I assume your wife and this OW will be on birth control. However birth control is not 100% effective. The OW gets pregnant and refuses to get an abortion. Furthermore she decides that the current living arrangement is not conducive to raising a child. She insist you divorce your wife and marry her. How do you handle this?

Say you refuse to divorce your wife in the scenario above and the OW moves out and gets a place of her own. Now she demands you spend time with your child and you have to provide financial support straining the family budget. Your wife become upset over the time and money that are being diverted to the OW and your "love child." How do you handle this?

Say your wife gets pregnant and decides that this lifestyle is not conducive to raising a child. She insists that you kick the OW out. But you have developed feeling for the OW now. How do you handle this?

You, your wife and your "friend" have been living together for a while. Your friend feels that she is not getting enough male attention and asks that another man be added to the "family." To your shock and amazement your wife agrees that this should be done. How do you handle this?

Say you reluctantly agree to the above scenario. One day you come home and the OM is having sex with your wife. When you get upset she simply says that you've been having sex with the OW for a while now and its not fair that she has to remain monogamous while you don't. How do you handle this?

The above scenario happens and you decide to keep the peace and hope your wife tires of this OM. One day she comes to you and says she is pregnant but isn't sure who the father is. How do you handle this?

When Gaia says "nothing goes as planned" she is so very very correct. Some of these scenarios may seem unlikely but each of them has occurred in various degrees to couples here on TAM in one form or another. You may say that it will never happen to you. I dare say that most of these posters said the same thing at some point.


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## capn_stabby

Coffee Amore said:


> While this has all been interesting, I wonder what your ultimate purpose is here. It doesn't seem to me that you want the advice doled out by the regulars here so what are you trying to do... To convince us of the future success of your relationship? To convert others to your way of thinking?


Quite the contrary, I'm getting a lot to think about here. I'm not just going to lay down and surrender my point at the first good post though. I may have already decided not to go through with this, but I won't tell.  I'm going to play devil's advocate to get as much information and thoughts as possible. It may not be worth going through with it, but I'm going to be as prepared as possible when it comes to bringing that up between us with as many valid points as possible.

To make any decision without weighing all the facts available is not the way I prefer to come to a conclusion, be it relationship or anything else.

I'm not attacking anyone here, and I'm thankful for everyone's input. It truly is beneficial to me. Please do not attack me stating ignorance or any other reason because I don't abandon my stance at the first good counterpoint against my position.


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## capn_stabby

Beowulf said:


> Let me throw a few scenarios at you.
> 
> You decide to go through with this arrangement. The OW moves in and you decide its not working out. Your wife doesn't agree and insist she stay. How do you handle that?
> 
> I assume your wife and this OW will be on birth control. However birth control is not 100% effective. The OW gets pregnant and refuses to get an abortion. Furthermore she decides that the current living arrangement is not conducive to raising a child. She insist you divorce your wife and marry her. How do you handle this?
> 
> Say you refuse to divorce your wife in the scenario above and the OW moves out and gets a place of her own. Now she demands you spend time with your child and you have to provide financial support straining the family budget. Your wife become upset over the time and money that are being diverted to the OW and your "love child." How do you handle this?
> 
> Say your wife gets pregnant and decides that this lifestyle is not conducive to raising a child. She insists that you kick the OW out. But you have developed feeling for the OW now. How do you handle this?
> 
> You, your wife and your "friend" have been living together for a while. Your friend feels that she is not getting enough male attention and asks that another man be added to the "family." To your shock and amazement your wife agrees that this should be done. How do you handle this?
> 
> Say you reluctantly agree to the above scenario. One day you come home and the OM is having sex with your wife. When you get upset she simply says that you've been having sex with the OW for a while now and its not fair that she has to remain monogamous while you don't. How do you handle this?
> 
> The above scenario happens and you decide to keep the peace and hope your wife tires of this OM. One day she comes to you and says she is pregnant but isn't sure who the father is. How do you handle this?
> 
> When Gaia says "nothing goes as planned" she is so very very correct. Some of these scenarios may seem unlikely but each of them has occurred in various degrees to couples here on TAM in one form or another. You may say that it will never happen to you. I dare say that most of these posters said the same thing at some point.


I'm not going to pretend like I have a good answer to all of those questions. I'm also not going to pretend like I can answer them on the spot. I will admit that they are very good points, however.


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## Beowulf

capn_stabby said:


> To mirror your analogies with a more optimistic outlook, you likewise will never win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.
> 
> *True but buying a lottery ticket costs very little. What you are risking here is your marriage. I would compare that more to going to Vegas with the mortgage money and hoping not to lose it all.*
> 
> You also wouldn't skydive without taking time before hand to plan on strapping a parachute to your back.
> 
> *But would you parachute with an anvil strapped to your back? You already took the plunge in getting married. Now you want to risk it further by taking it to the next level. Ever see the movie Jacka$$. Why?*


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## Gaia

I hate that movie....


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## Jimena

I just can't believe you're putting concerns about romance ahead of concerns for your kids. It really does not seem like a healthy choice for them, and you are avoiding the issue. Too many parents use the "they're not old enough to under stand" and get comfortable with it and use it for far too long. I don't want to see you fall into that. Yes, this has only just started but I don't see your kids being treated with priority in this conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

capn

I'm going to leave you with one last thought for the evening.

One day a dog was happily strutting along holding a bone in his mouth that a butcher had given him. As he crossed a log above a stream he looked down and saw another dog with a bone that seemed much bigger than the one he had. Deciding he was going to take that other dog's bone he opened his mouth and lunged for the faux treat. In the process he dropped his own bone into the water and sadly watched as it was carried downstream never to be seen again. The dog was left with nothing but an empty mouth and a wet face.

The moral of the story. Treasure what you have and don't be foolishly greedy.


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## Beowulf

Gaia said:


> I hate that movie....


Me too


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## Lyris

Even Dan Savage, hardly an upholder of monogamy, doesn't think triad relationships work. I've heard him say several times words to the effect of; 'I've been to lots of triad weddings, but not one triad three-year anniversary party.'

Three's a hard number for a group. Ask any kindergarten teacher.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuffnthings

I registered just to respond. 

I started a triad a few months ago. I am a bi female, my husband a straight male, and we developed feelings for a girl who had moved in with us for a while because of hardships. Our marriage is a very strong one that has been fairly drama free for the majority of it. 

We all sat and talked for the better part of a month before delving in and I truly thought I was okay with it. After month two in the triad I feel defeated. I wanted it to work and I wanted to prove to both of them that I was okay with it, but I'm not. It took me getting into the relationship to realize it, which sucks for all of us because now we really don't have any sort of idea what to do about it. 

I have some deep-seated abandonment issues and a need to be the center of attention that I wasn't fully aware of until I was put in a situation that tested this. I am moody and jealous all the time and despite trying to control it I think it's getting worse. 

I told them that maybe if we took it slow I would be okay eventually, but every day that goes by makes me resent them both more for ridiculous reasons. 

Anyway, I just thought I would give you my two cents if you were still thinking about it. I'm not saying it doesn't work, but given how similar our stories were I thought I would mention that in my case it did not. 

If you have any questions feel free to PM me.


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## LexisMom

In my opinion, the best time to think about the impact on your children is before you're very far into this. That should be one of your top considerations. A 4 year old is old enough to observe and make conclusions. If you didn't have kids, do whatever you like as the only ones affected are people making the decision. The kids don't get a say in it so they deserve to be thought about the most.


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## Gialena

One of my in laws, married for over 30 years, is in a triad relationship. They brought in another woman and they all live together as a couple. They sleep in the same bed, have sex with each other together or individually and they all have their individual times like the two women will go on vaca together or the man and the "third" wife go on vacas. I personally don't agree with it, and the one legal 30 year wife has changed; became quiet, frumpy, homely and seems very sad. The other non legal wife, is beautiful and outgoing and you can see that the husband prefers the new one over the long term one. It may work out for a few years, as does a lot of new things, but I think that eventually it becomes a destruction to something that my have been a long lasting relationship between one man and one wife.


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## WorkingOnMe

Please, save the kittens.


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## manfromlamancha

Strange! We are of the opposite belief in that a kitten kills a god! So far we have lost Apollo, Aphrodite, Freya and Juno! Please stop this unwarranted slaughter of gods!


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## LisaKane

What exactly are you asking? Specifics please because you seem unclear.That bridge is so low and I smell... Troll.


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## ConanHub

WorkingOnMe said:


> Please, save the kittens.


WOW! Still laughing!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

*Putting the Zombie to bed...*


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