# Step-Children: Men vs Women



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I have talked about my situation in another thread regarding step-children, but I wanted to know what other folks here think. I am wondering, do you think it is harder for women to accept step-children as their own than men do? I think women tend to feel a sense of "ownership" to their children due to all the woman stuff they have to do (not want, but have as holding the baby for 9 months, giving birth and even breast feeding). A man brings his step children in, and it's almost like, these children were raised by another, I cannot take them in as my own (like if you touch a baby bird and the mother then kicks it out of the next for being tainted).

I just wanted to know other's opinions on this. Men, in my opinion, take a more fraternal approach, where, if you live under my room, you are my kids (which is why some dads can just break off relations with their kids if they love with their mom full time). 

Obviously, this isn't all-inclusive, but just something I have noticed in my years of being in ruined marriages.
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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am a stepmom, have been with husband for 27 years. He had full custody of his children and I ended up raising them. My take on this is that women tend to be caregivers and we will care for children that not our biological children but I think we tend to take on more responsibility for them than say men do. We create emotional connections and ties whereas I do not believe stepdads are as connected in this way. They might build a fort or play video games with the child. My am speaking from my own experience though here too. I had two daughters who were raised by their step father and he was just not real involved. He claimed them as his children but he did not go out of his way to protect them or get involved with their lives. I, on the other hand, was very much involved with his sons' lives, to the point of being very protective. I saw them as my children and not as my steps but I do believe that was because I raised these boys from a young age. Had they been older and lived in their mother's home I do not think I would have taken in such a big role in their lives.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blended families is always tough. Even bio families have issues, throw in natural protectiveness that bio parents feel for their kids as opposed to their partners kids and top it off with many times baby mama/daddy issues and you have a ****tail for a high failure rate.

Women are on average more nurturing and they can usually deal with step kids better than men do. Especially since most times, the woman only has to deal with step kids part time due to woman usually having the majority of the custody and hence will usually have less baby mama drama. The man, on the other hand, has to deal with the step kids almost full-time and has a higher probability of dealing with baby daddy drama.

To make it work, the relationship has to be strong. There's a reason 2nd marriages fail at a way higher rate than 1st marriages. I'm sure, the blending of families is probably the major reason for that higher rate not to mention that once you're willing to break vows once, what's the big deal of doing it again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think women as a whole do better with kids that aren't theirs. Men are actually the ones who have a sense of "ownership" where kids are concerned.....in the wild a lot of males will kill young that isn't theirs in order to make their own. The urge to pass on one's own DNA is very powerful.

I also agree with AVR that women are more likely to take an active role in step-parenting.

I disagree with this notion that men think "you live under my roof therefore you're mine".....they do think "you live under my roof so I am in charge". So I guess in that sense the ownership is there but they don't necessarily care nearly as much as they do their own kids.

My husband has been in my kids lives since they were little and while they get along OK he doesn't think for a minute that they're his.

But I also think it's unreasonable to expect a step-parent to love your kids like you do or like their own. It is reasonable to expect them to treat the kids well and if a relationship can be formed that's great, but nobody loves kids like their biological parents/grandparents.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

From what i've seen and heard it's always seemed liked stepmothers had a harder time. That might just be the women I know resented the expectation of caretaking/raising another womans child/ren as if they where her own, maybe it's those exprectations that caused more problems the the children themselves.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

This has been a difference of point of view between my wife and I. I don't get overly involved with my step daughter since I feel like I'm violating "bruh code" with her dad. I do spend time with her and help with discipline, but I don't cross the unspoken code. 

She thinks my bruh code is a lame excuse but she's also not male and doesn't understand it. I'm not the only guy that I know that knows of the code and respects it like a religion.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Interesting takes. I have always been more involved with my step daughter. It may be because I always wanted a daughter, or that her father was a complet db. Or maybe I just like being a parent.
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## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

Diesel_Bomber said:


> This has been a difference of point of view between my wife and I. I don't get overly involved with my step daughter since I feel like I'm violating "bruh code" with her dad. I do spend time with her and help with discipline, but I don't cross the unspoken code.
> 
> She thinks my bruh code is a lame excuse but she's also not male and doesn't understand it. I'm not the only guy that I know that knows of the code and respects it like a religion.


This is similar to my situation. I get along better with real dad better than my wife and step daughter do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be married to this day, as I've had to play mediator on multiple occasions.

To those that make this topic into a gender topic, you are being irresponsible and generalizing, which you really shouldn't do. There are responsible moms and/or dads and there are responsible step moms/dads as well. 

Raising somebody else's biological children is a grind but I had experience with step parents so I knew what I liked and didn't like.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

happydad said:


> This is similar to my situation. I get along better with real dad better than my wife and step daughter do. If I didn't, I wouldn't be married to this day, as I've had to play mediator on multiple occasions.
> 
> To those that make this topic into a gender topic, you are being irresponsible and generalizing, which you really shouldn't do. There are responsible moms and/or dads and there are responsible step moms/dads as well.
> 
> Raising somebody else's biological children is a grind but I had experience with step parents so I knew what I liked and didn't like.


I hear you, and honestly, I usually disagree with most gender based analysis. Most of the time is irresponsible and damaging. I guess I was angling more of people thought it was a biological thing, women forming a bond with their children more than they could with someone else's.
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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm not sure a biological tie to your children is necessary to bond, but you asked specifically about step kids, right? 

I think it just depends. I know one blended family who comes to mind - 2 adolescent kids for mom, 2 for Dad when they married. Both parents were SUPER close to all 4 kids when I knew them. Then again, that was 5 or 6 years later, when they had all bonded. Maybe it was tough in the beginning to adjust but they were one family when I knew them. The Dad was very affectionate and nurturing towards his step kids, and the same with the Mom. Unless you looked at their outsides - 2 were dark-haired and olive-skinned, 2 were very fair and freckly - you wouldn't have known they weren't a family since birth.

My niece never bonded with her stepdad. She hated her mother and acted out when she stayed with her mother and her 2 half-brothers (her stepdad and mother had 2 kids after marrying). Maybe that had something to do with it. He's just not someone who is affectionate with kids not biologically his own. He wasn't very welcoming. She was very hostile towards him. And he very loving towards his own kids. He just doesn't see her as one of those. It sort of breaks your heart.

I also noticed some folks describe the different ways in which men and women interact with their step kids. To men, and to kids, building forts etc. IS bonding. It's just a different type. I'm not sure emotional heart-to-hearts are the only form of valid communication and bonding. 

This is something I think about a lot. I'm very protective of my son. It makes me nervous to think he will be subject to all sorts of changes in his life if i ever decide to remarry.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think kids always have to come first. That is why I would be hesitant to remarry if my husband died. You can never really be first in your spouse's life if he or she already has children. The kids have to be the priority.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I have talked about my situation in another thread regarding step-children, but I wanted to know what other folks here think. I am wondering, do you think it is harder for women to accept step-children as their own than men do? I think women tend to feel a sense of "ownership" to their children due to all the woman stuff they have to do (not want, but have as holding the baby for 9 months, giving birth and even breast feeding). A man brings his step children in, and it's almost like, these children were raised by another, I cannot take them in as my own (like if you touch a baby bird and the mother then kicks it out of the next for being tainted).
> 
> I just wanted to know other's opinions on this. Men, in my opinion, take a more fraternal approach, where, if you live under my room, you are my kids (which is why some dads can just break off relations with their kids if they love with their mom full time).
> 
> ...


Speaking from experience, blending families has probably been one of the toughest areas in my relationship. 

I want a close bond with my step children. I've tried hugging etc and they pull away. So, I just do the others things a mom does, minus the affection parts. 

While I know my children would openly respond to any affection shown to them by their step dad, he never shows affection toward my kids. 

What's strange though is H and I have talked about this. H wants me to have a more affectionate relationship with his children (even told his children that he'd like them to call me mom :surprise but when I try, they reject. And he knows that I'd like him to be more affectionate toward my children, who would respond accordingly, but yet H apparently, isn't comfortable with it. 

Either way, we are both kind, caring and supportive of all the children equally. Where he may lack in all their lives, I step it up, where I may lack in all their lives, he steps up. He easily shows affection to his kids and I do mine. In a strange way, it seems to be working. 

It's a bit of an awkward situation at times, but we're rolling through.
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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not force the kids. Let it come naturally.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

My wife and I are both married for the second time she has a son who lives with her mother and I have two and we have a son together. She is never happy when mine are with us. I see them twice a week. She see hers every time she wants to and I have no problem with it. I know some friends that are married for the second time with kids from previous marriages and seems like their women act the same when their kids are around. In my experience women find it harder to accept their husband's kids.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Maybe I take it too far, but the whole step parent thing is why I don't think I'll ever marry again. At least part of the reason. My son has a lot of issues and it can be tough to be around him and to accept how much support he needs. Can't imagine any man having a heart big enough to welcome such a step child into his life. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
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## red37 (Feb 19, 2016)

Sometimes stepchildren try to be manipulative. You can try as hard as you can to be nice to them, but like the old saying goes you cant win them all.

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> From what i've seen and heard it's always seemed liked stepmothers had a harder time. That might just be the women I know resented the expectation of caretaking/raising another womans child/ren as if they where her own, maybe it's those exprectations that caused more problems the the children themselves.


I think that where this happens, the issue is caused by the expectations.

When a women has step children, she is usually expected to do a lot of work to care for them. Cooking, cleaning, keeping them occupied, etc.

When a man has step children, most of that falls on the children's mother as it should.

There are a lot of good books on blending families. All the ones I've read talk about this and basically tell the man that they are his kids. He needs to not put it all on his wife, the step mother.

Now not every blended family is like that, but a large percentage is.

In my case, that's exactly what happened. Their father did nothing, and I mean nothing. I did not resent the kids... they hare kids. I did grow to resent that he did this.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I was friends with a woman who married a man who had two children from a previous marriage. It appeared that she was the one looking after them when they turned up to visit, and even had to be the one disciplining them because he didn't want to lose brownie points with the kids. Lots and lots of resentment over that. They ended up divorcing, not just for that, but it certainly wouldn't have helped.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

My experience is that neither stepfathers, nor biological fathers want much to do with kids.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I have a stepfather, I can tell you that he never felt "fraternal" to me in any sense. He sort of tried the first year he and mom were married but the minute they started having their own children he made it painfully clear that he saw me a waste of resources/time/money that should be spent on his "real" children. He locked the pantry and the fridge to prevent me from getting more than "my fair share" of food. The minute I got my first job at 15, they started charging me rent because my bedroom was "space they could otherwise use."

His family felt the same and singled me out at holidays for obviously crappy gifts compared to the other kids or asking ****ty questions like what my "real father" had gotten me. His parents said he should never adopt me because he shouldn't be "stuck with a bastard" if things didn't work out with my mom - they've been married for 25 years now. 

I could start my own thread about it all.

So I might be a small percentage of children who had stepfathers, but I can say I never had this buddy-buddy experience that's being imagined.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My experience also seems the same. Although not married I would like to take a more active role in helping with her son but not allowed to. She has input on my daughters which I welcome cause she knows what they are going through and I don't with no experience in that area. unfortunately this wedge has caused the thought of marriage to be taken completely off the table least for now.

The experience has left me to wonder if anyone should get married when kids from a previous marriage are involved. I know of one couple who make it work , kinda, the rest outwardly struggle with it


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I have a stepfather, I can tell you that he never felt "fraternal" to me in any sense. He sort of tried the first year he and mom were married but the minute they started having their own children he made it painfully clear that he saw me a waste of resources/time/money that should be spent on his "real" children. He locked the pantry and the fridge to prevent me from getting more than "my fair share" of food. The minute I got my first job at 15, they started charging me rent because my bedroom was "space they could otherwise use."
> 
> His family felt the same and singled me out at holidays for obviously crappy gifts compared to the other kids or asking ****ty questions like what my "real father" had gotten me. His parents said he should never adopt me because he shouldn't be "stuck with a bastard" if things didn't work out with my mom - they've been married for 25 years now.
> 
> ...


This is terrible. Big time failure on your mom to let you get treated that way:|


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> This is terrible. Big time failure on your mom to let you get treated that way:|


I was wondering the same. Did your mom not intervene or stand up for you? It sounds like a terrible childhood to always be second in everything.


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## red37 (Feb 19, 2016)

Im sorry to hear about your experience. The same thing happen to me an my other two siblings. As soon as my mom had children from my stepfather he became so nasty towards me and my siblings. That's why I said if I every had some step children I would nit be like him.

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## red37 (Feb 19, 2016)

Its hard to find someone who doesn't have children. 

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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

rockon said:


> I was wondering the same. Did your mom not intervene or stand up for you? It sounds like a terrible childhood to always be second in everything.


No. In her mind she was doing me a favor by giving me a "normal life." To her I was simply fat and ungrateful. 

My dysfunctional family could be a thread in and of itself.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

red37 said:


> Its hard to find someone who doesn't have children.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk



Not that hard, you are looking at one right now. And not by choice.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> No. In her mind she was doing me a favor by giving me a "normal life." To her I was simply fat and ungrateful.
> 
> My dysfunctional family could be a thread in and of itself.



Do you maintain a "normal" relationship with your mother? I personally would have so much resentment I could not.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

rockon said:


> Do you maintain a "normal" relationship with your mother? I personally would have so much resentment I could not.


No. I didn't have any form of communication with her at all for 9 years or so. I only maintain any semblance of communication with her now really on behalf of my son. And yes, any time around her basically means us all ignoring the pink elephant in the room. 

I have a lot of resentment but being the "better person" to me in some ways makes me feel, perhaps however misguided that I'm not letting it control me. And sadly for however dysfunctional my relationship with her is, she's still more caring towards her grandchild (my son) than my in-laws are.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

That is absurd. Both of them are very damaged people. I probably treat my step-daughter better than my own boys.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If that was for me, oh I know, I'm aware.


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