# husband encouraged affair, now wants me to quit him



## married18yrs (Oct 5, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for 17 years, since both age 20, and have 2 kids age 10 and 6. He has always encouraged very adventurous and edgy things sexually- threesomes, strip clubs, dirty talk, watching porn together, more extreme images etc. He recently encouraged me to go start something w/ a guy who I could tell there might be a mutual attraction there. Turns out there was, and we started having sex and hanging out a bit. The only caveat is that my husband wants me to come home and tell him all about it, it turns him on, plus then he doesn't feel cheated on but instead feels like I'm hot and out getting some and flaunting it to him. I've always thought it was a bit strange for a guy to be turned on by seeing/thinking about his wife out with another guy, but ok... Well recently my husband asked me to stop seeing him, primarily because the past few times I have not come home and gushed out all the details (I was too tired, he was already asleep, etc.) and so it makes him feel like I'm no longer sticking to the rules of the deal but instead am having an affair with him. I do not want to stop, and especially "just like that" just because it's no longer working for HIM. There's a lot I have asked him to look at in the past, and while he has made some changes and consessions, his response has often been "That's just who I am, you're going to have to make your peace with it, and I can't help you with that". For my husband (and probably for most guys?), this other guy was always just about sex and bringing home a hot sex story for him. For me, it is also a friendship, the attention and validation of my hotness  , providing me something emotionally that seems to be missing from my marriage and life in general, especially for the past year or more, etc. I'm a little mad that my husband is the one who suggested this in the first place, and now just wants to end it because HE doesn't like it anymore. Plus I simply don't want to give it up because I like it and it means something to me. The added piece to this is that my husband and I get into a big rut every few years where we feel we are coming up against our incompatibility that may have always been there from the start, and we get into big fights (usually about me wanting something that he can't/won't give, like majorly adjusting his work or sleep schedule so he is around for us more, etc.) and throw the idea of divorce out there, but never do it, mostly for the sake of staying together for the kids and because of all the history and good things that ARE there, and for me divorce just seems like a big, costly headache of a mess. But these big issues keep cropping up. I certainly can't say that this other guy is my dream guy and I would leave my husband for him and it would be everything I've always wanted etc. But it has been a catalyst for making me think about and see some of the things I really want and need in my life and in a relationship that my husband seems unable to give or simply says he will never be able to give me (i.e. he thinks he shouldn't have to "romance" me or warm me up to sex, that I should just feel like enthusiastically giving it to him all the time, and that's what married people should expect from eachother... and if I need that then I should be with someone else who is like that). I don't know what to think. Is this kind of situation normal? Am I unrealistic in my reactions?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Well, I don't know that I'd call it "normal" but then normal is what people are comfortable with between themselves. Having him suggest you go out for sex and then tell him about it...that sounds like self-inflicted cuckolding to me. And when he's not getting the story from you, he wants you to quit? Tell him hell no, it was HIS idea in the first place!  As for feeling like always giving it to him?!? WTF? BS, dear! That's just having a living, breathing sex toy. Everybody needs some warm up, women more than men. That's just the way it is and he needs to be told "That's just who I am, you're going to have to make your peace with it, and I can't help you with that"! I realize you might like sex very well, but you can't simply be his c.m bucket anytime he wants it. That's not a relationship (and I'm not denigrating a poly (or "open") arrangement, either) it's a convenience (for him).


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you both have issues that went out of control and unless you reign them in soon both of you are going to get hurt. He wants to keep his porn just incase and you want to keep your boy toy just incase. If both of you put all that energy into the relationship then you'd both be happy.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Yep, sounds like you both have issues, I am edgy as well and would not mind threesomes, etc. BUT sounds like this boyfriend gives you something that your husband isn't and your hubby doesn't like your emotional connection to the guy, he is jealous.

This was bound to happen, once you started a relationship with the guy your marriage would have complications because he soon realized that you had a connection with this man.

You can end the relationship and get counseling or your marriage will probably end.


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## Harmony (Oct 11, 2008)

my husband has been guilty of thinking along similar lines. When I finally came to my senses I realised that I had built up a lot of resentment toward my husband for allowing orchestrating such a devastating choice for my life. I was very young when I was put in this position and had been raised in a dysfunctional family so apart from being naive I was also very emotionally immature. I'm not judging you but from my own personal experience, if you are going to continue to see the other guy then end your relationship with your husband. Children are precious and amazingly perceptive. What you think you are hiding is often very transparent to them. The longer they are exposed to the situation, the harder it will be for them regardless of which way it all turns out. As for your husband wanting to share you with another man fro kicks.........shame on him
take care


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## donna32 (Sep 11, 2015)

my husband encouraged me to have sex with other men. i was hesitant at first, but once i got started, i loved it. i love my husband even more for thinking of it. he said i was someone who could handle sex with other people with out it affecting our marriage. i was not sure that was true, but we have had no problems what so ever. what makes it work for us is really communicating about what goes on. sure my husband likes to hear about what i do, but he really loves that i am enjoying this so much. i go out about once a month. there is one guy i really like and i see him most often, but if me a hot guy and a mutual attraction is evident, then i take the opportunity to enjoy him as well. i think you were looking for a deal breaker. i think you want to have the affair but want your husband well out of it. i think you are being selfish. what does it hurt to tell him what you are doing? maybe, you are developing real feelings about him and don't want your husband to find out? i would love to find out what happened with you and your affair. you should update your posting. my husband knows i really like the one guy, but i keep my husband first in my heart, well almost first, the kids are really first, so my husband is like co-first. i hope it turned out well for you and you are still having a good time with other men...you should have not had sex with just the one guy, but included other men. that way you wouldn't so quickly formed a strong emotional attachment.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

There is a reason why open marriages have ground rules. It's so that you can protect the marriage against attachment to third parties. 

So, you have broken this understanding and your husband is starting to feel left out and pushed aside. Most couples don't do anything without the other's presence. 

I agree with your husband, you need to stop seeing this man. Put some effort into your marriage and try to figure out why you have such patterns.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zombie thread


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