# im crying out for help.



## UnendingPain (Jun 1, 2010)

ok its a long story but i feel like if i don't tell it all then i won't get the advice that i desperateley need. my husband is 20 yrs i am 21 yrs and we are exactly a year apart we met at job corps.in oct 07' i was over 200lbs when he met me. he cheated on me once at job corps but didn't tell me until after i left job corps to come live with him and his family. march of 08' i lost around 40 lbs. because his family couldn't afford to eat and his mom was strict about when and what and how much we were eating. me and him were tryng to have a baby and i think the drmatic weight loss allowed me to conceive. i went from 240 t0 265 when/while i was pregnant and the whole time i was the one who didn't want to have sex he was always horny then but it was my hormones i didn't want to. when i was 7 mos pregnant (dec 08') we got married. and in on march 12 09' i had a beautiful little girl. since i had my baby i felt weird like my husband didn't want or love me anymore. he acted like having sex with me was a chore and something he did not want to do. and then when we did he would not look at me and it was almost like he was trying to get it over with as fast as he could so he wouldn't have to do it again for a while. well when the cable bill came(on the day i got the internet turned on) i found that on the day i was in the hospital having our little girl when he told me he was going home that night to get a bite to eat he was at home watching porn(something i am not ok with because i feellike this if he can look at another woman and lust on her and get off on her it is the same as cheating so he may as well be doing her forreal cuz thats basically what he's wanting to do) and kept he watching porn every other night while i was asleep. i thought i was going to lose my mind. I dont like him watching porn he knows i will never look like those girls and it makes me feel inadequate and less of a woman that he would rather watch that and masterbate than be with me(his wife). he said he was addicted to it and that is just someting he is used to doing. i cried my eyes out a whole day in the bed and he said "sorry"...well,a week later porn ended up on the browsing history of the computer i asked him about it and he said he was just watching it to see if he got aroused.(lying to me because he ended up fessing up that he was masterbating again) and i started to get a gut feeling::my husband is not attracted to me:: i told him again it hurts me that he would neglect me and watch some girls rather than be my husband and take care of both our needs at once. well the other night i went to work and when i came home the browsing history was deleted. i asked him what happened and he lied saying he dropped the computer. but i knew better by his ansy behavior trying to devert my attention to anything but the internet or computer. so i sat him down and i let him know that i was going to recover the missing files and he really needed to come clean before i found out anything. he admitted to watching the movies and said he was just watching them to learn new things for us. i snapped. i really lost my mind i called him a liar because he i knew he was lying because i already told him if he wants to watch porn for that then he wouldn't have a problem with watching it with me like i have aldready offered to do to spice up our sex lives..and if that were really the reason he would have told me he wanted to watch it to get some new moves and he wouldn't have so desperately tried to hide it from me {again} WELL I ENDED UP TAKING MY WEDDING RINGS OFF AND TOLD HIM THAT I HOPED HE WAS HAPPY WITH THE DESICION HE MADE BECAUSE IT COST HIM HIS MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. THAN WHEN HE STILL HAD NOTHING TO SAY I TOLD HIM I HATE HIM (NOT MEANING IT BUT IN ANGER) HE DIDN'T CRY HE SHOWED LITTLE OR NO REMORSE OR REGRET FOR HURTING ME OR THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO LOSE ME. i demanded the truth. and he gave it to me::. HE TOLD ME HE WATCHES PORN BECAUSE HE"S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME. IN HIS WORDS NO IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU AND SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.""YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LOOK NOTHING LIKE THEM GIRLS, YOU'RE FAT."HELL HALF THE GIRLS IN THIS NEIBORHOOD GOT YOU. YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T SKINNY. YOU WANTED THE TRUTH THOUGH AND THE TRUTH HURTS" he said he loves me and i have a pretty face but he is not attracted to me. so this is someone that i married. someone that promised and told me so many times he loves me as i am but now he doesn't.BASICALLY TELING ME WE COULD BE FRIENDS AND LIVE TOGETHER BUT NOT HAVE ANY ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL CONNECTION. WE JUST HANG OUT AND HAPPEN TO HAVE A BABY TOGETHER....im lost...im hurt and i don't even look at him the same now that i know how he REALLY feels about me. and to top it off in the last 3 days i havent eaten and ive been drinking water water water to fill me up. i feel like my spirit is broken and i don't know what to do about my marriage or my daughter.what does this mean? will i ever feel the way i did before about him?? im so worried that i can't work past it. and what do i do if i can't? will i have to tell him and explain to him the same way he explained to me. I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU ANYMORE, SINCE YOU TOLD ME HOW YOU REALLY SEE ME I JUST DON'T SEE YOU AS THE SAME PERSON I MARRIED. then what?? do we get a divorce? do we stay in the same home for zaniah? do i just not tell him the way i feel at all? i know he'd take it the wrong way anyway.. THE WORDS KEEP PLAYING OVER AND OVER IN MY HEAD LIKE A BROKEN RECORD...AND LIKE SAID I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE WITH HIM ANYMORE BECAUSE WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS NOT THE SAME.....IT WASN'T LIKE MAKING LOVE OR EVEN HAVING SEX..I CRIED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ****ED BY A COMPLETE STRANGER WITH NO LOVE OR FEELINGS IN IT. I AM UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE ME NAKED ANYMORE. AND HERE'S A GOOD LAUGH 4 DAYS AGO HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GIVE ZANIAH A BROTHER OR SISTER...HA ****ING RIGHT....and to top it off he isn't even worried that our marriage is over he keeps telling me if i got him an xbox 360 with games to keep him occupied none of this would happen or have happened. WHAT DOES him having an xbox have anything to do with him being attracted to me or our marriage HE KEEPS saying " he's bored " but why would i invest 600+ dollars in a game system for him to have entertainment while i go to work bust my ass to pay bills for him to sit at home do nothing but play video games and make me feel like im not good enough for him...where is the sense in that?? why would i do that?so yeah i think my marriage is in the ****ter...and really i think im the only one that cares..like right now it's 1am and i can't even sleep in the same bed as him...but he can go to sleep knowing that im up stressed out...HE DOESNT CARE. HE DOESN"T want to talk about it. he always tells me he's nothing like any of my ex's- he's so wrong::he's just like them..all of my exe's did me wrong in so many different ways but they ALL did one thing in common: MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM.AND ALL OF THEM DID AN EQUALLY GOOD JOB OF IT. BUT I THINK HE'S DOING THE BEST JOB OF IT BECAUSE HE REALLY MADE ME THINK HE REALLY LOVED ME FOR ME. HE REALLY HAD ME GOING IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW I WOULD NEVVVVERRR HAVE MARRIED HIM OR GOT PREGNANT I WOULD HAVE LET HIM LEAVE ME GET WITH SOME SKINNY CHICK THAT WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH HIM AND LET HIM GET HURT AND CHEAT ON AND PROBABLY AND STD OR TWO BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FAITHFUL..AND I WOULD HAVE WAITED FOR THE REAL PERSON THAT WOULD WANT ME AND THINK MY BACK FAT AND JIGGLY BITS WERE SEXY...NOT DISGUSTING....SO I DON'T KNOW IF ITS THE SAME SITUATION THAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BUT I REALLY WOULDN'T MIND YOUR THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS..WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT WERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND..IF HE EVER TOLD YOU YOU WERE TOO FAT FOR HIM AND IT MADE HIM NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU...BECAUSE YOU DON'T TURN HIM ON...WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU COULDN'T SEE THE MAN YOU MARRIED ANYMORE AND INSTEAD SAW THE REAL MAN THAT YOU MARRIED...? 

THEN THIS HAPPENED............


ok so i posted a few months back in the sex forum, I am a lil hurt and confused. my husband and i are young,. 21 and 22. a while ago we were having sex issues. he wanted 3somes and more and it made me sick to think of him having sex with another woman let alone having to watch it, i knew we were having problems because we went from being besties's to not speasking unless we were fighting. i kept telling him we needed to fix us but he put me off like it meant nothing or it wasn't that important. 

we have been toge4ther since november of 2007 we met at job corps. i was the first white woman he had been with(he is a black man) march of 08 i was living with him in charlotte. by end of june we were pregnant with a beautiful lil girl (which was our miracle baby) dec we got married march 09 our family was complete. june09 sex problems and fights start about porn and neglecting me as his wife.

now i do not think of myself as a bad wife . he has no education (though he is a smart man) so he could never really get a good job. i have been the breadwinner this entire relationship and i make enough that we both live VERY comfortable lives. aI spent 600$ on an xbox and games for him to have something at home to do in between the diaper changes. anything he wants he gets i don't ask for much at all just help with some houswork and take care of our daughter.

well december 09' the fighting continued and got worse, so much so that i made contact with one of my ex's and went to go see him. i had the opportunity presented to me to cheat but in that split second that i had the chance all i could think about was my husband, and i knew how much of a mistake i had made. so i told my ex we could continue being friends but it would never be more than that.

dec 19th was our 1-year anniversary christmas came and went and new years. i january my H was realloy pushing the sexual issue saying he wanted to try new things and explore because he felt like getting married so young robbed him of those experiences. when i freaked out i made as point that i made my vows and i didn't want anyone but him.(especially now since i KNEW i didnt want anyone else) he said "who follows their vows anymore?" 

i was upset and depressed and was seriously considering trying a 3way just to make him happy so we started hanging out with some close friends of mine that have a wide open relationship. being around them and seeing how their secrets and lies affected their marriage opened my eyes and moved me to confess my breif encounter with my ex to my husband to show him how much i do care and that we needed to fix us or end up like them.

He had a confession of his own, sometime between christmas and new years he has slept with the neighbor. whom was a friend of mine. (black girl- which was the race i generally suspected him of being attracted to in the first place)

so now i am left hurt and confused. what did i do so wrong? i don't look at him the same anymore and i hurt so bad all the time; i can't even wear my rings anymore because he wore his ring when he had sex with her. what makes it so bad is that he left our 10 moth old baby home alone by herself to go do this with the neighbor. and on new years they were planning a second time but i came home from work early. we have had several talks and though he said it was the eye opener for him i can't push myself to forgive or forget it. i look at him so confused because i love him. but i want to make him feel the hurt i feel. so what do you do when you don't have a marriage and all thats left is broken vows and a precious life stuck in the middle. how do i mave on? talking to him about it does no good because he is honest enough to tell me how they did it. that he kissed her that "it wasn't bad" i want to feel better but i can't because this should never have been my life. i shouldn't have to bear this weight, and god help me i don't know how im supposed to tell my daughter it's not ok to let a man do to her what her father has done to me and then still have him in my life?? I am hurt and confused. someone please help.


Present day.....

i look at my H everyday and everyday i see his mistress, I do not feel normal, I do not feel like we will ever be the same. I feel like causing physical harm to him . It has been a long time and I find myself going crazy. counting milage watching the time. wondering why he wants to go here or there. EVERYTIME i think about it it makes my stomach curl. I want to vomit still . I wish that he would die sometimes. I want to tell him everyday that i hate him. this is not me though. I feel like this is what i have been turned into. I feel so horrible like I am such a bad person for feelinlg this way.
Everyday i think about my life and i regret that he is the father of my child i wish that it were someone else. a more gentle soul. someone that REALLY Loves me. I feel so unloved and unnappriciated, depressed doesn't even scratch the surface. Its bad when you cant even watch a movie without balling your eyes out because you know you will never know the love that you see. you will never know what its like to feel someone loving you that strong, or that much. Communication is gone- we only talk when we fight. I wonder what kind of life or example am i setting for my little girl. eventually she will start to wonder why daddy makes mommy cry so much. I don't know how to get past this or that my H even wants to . I canstantly live in fear that he will leave me everytime we fight, and sometimes I wish he would so i can just get over him and not look back. I don't know how to move past this. someone please tell me what to do.


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## Scott G. (Jun 1, 2010)

Hey,

I'm sorry to say, but this guy sounds like a real jerk. About the cheating I might have been inclined to say that if he's truly remorseful and truly doesn't want to do it again, then maybe you could work through it. But with everyhing else you described, he sounds completely self-centered and it appears he's using you.

I should also mention that the weight you mentioned doesn't sound like a healthy weight. I'm not saying everyone should, or can be skinny. I'm just saying that for the sake of yourself and for the sake of being here as long as you can for your daughter, you should try to be healthier. And on the note of him not being attracted to you, when's the last time you were attracted to someone with so much fat, they looked like they could have a heart attack any minute? It's against our mammal instincts to be attracted to an unhealthy, sickly mate. So you should keep that in mind for the future.

Now on another note, to keep asking him all these questions about what exactly he's doing, when exactly he's watching the porn, and especially asking him how exactly he slept with your neighbor , does you a complete disservice to your self-respect. There's no reason to ask these questions, there's only reason to be with someone with whom you trust & you do not have to ask these questions.

He was home watching porn while you were giving birth to his daughter. He wants you to buy him an xbox so he can be entertained sitting on his bum at home, while you're out working supporting him. He left your baby girl in the house alone while he went off to sleep with your neighbor.

What more do you need? Now I'm a big fan of marriage reconciliation, but I'm not a big fan of being foolish, and allowing a fool to leave my child in dangerous positions. 

He just doesn't care. He knows what he wants, and he goes and gets it elsewhere. He knows what he wants from you, and you allow him to keep using you to get it. Make your choice.

Scott G.


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