# Falling out of love and affairs-HELP!!



## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

Hello everyone. I am in the WORST kind of emotional pain and need advice. First, let me explain my situation. It will be similar to others I have read about, but here it goes:

I have been married for 20 years and recently caught my wife in an emotional affair with a mutual friend. She claims that sex was not involved...only kissing. She says she loves this other man. When I caught her, she told me that she had fallen out of love with me. She still loves me...but doesn't feel that connection any more. She agreed to stop talking with the other man, but I caught her again this past weekend telling him she loved him on the phone (by text). I flipped out and told her to either break it off or we would tell the kids (one is in college and the other is in high school) why she is packing her bags and moving out. She broke it off with the other man. 

My wife says that the affair has made her realize how unhappy she has been for the past several years. This blew me away. I just didn't see it. We have had many wonderful times as recently as last summer on a vacation...both as friends and as lovers. We have always been very compatible in the bedroom. I did sense a lack of intimacy over the past few months...but not years! In truth, I have been very "clingy" over the past few months because I could sense the lack of intimacy. Of course, this just pushed her away. She claims that the other relationship has taken a couple of years to blossom and they bonded over his own marriage problems. The past couple of months it escalated into kissing and meeting for dinner, etc. She felt the change starting to occur about 5 years agao when I was going through anxiety problems and didn't feel like doing anything. She says that she feels we have grown apart and changed. She isn't 

I wouldn't wish the pain I am in on my worst enemy. I am still deeply in love with her and don't know what to do. We are going to marriage counseling soon, but I am not sure how much it will help if she has been unhappy for that long. Neither one of us wants to separate because we don't want the kids, family, and our close friends to know what is going on. So here are my questions:

How long will the pain last that I am feeling? I know that I have to give my wife space and "fix myself" in order to become attractive to her again...but how do I do this while we are still living under the same roof? How do I give her space without wondering if she is secretly meeting with him again? Is it possible for my wife to fall back in love with me? 

I do not want to go through a divorce for several reasons, but I also don't want to live in a marriage where my wife isn't in love with me. Has anyone else out there gone through something similar? What advice to you have? Can this marriage survive?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Is this mutual "friend" married? If so let his wife know if he isn't expose to other friends. Bring this to the light of day.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The whole idea of marriage counseling is for both of you to get the issues on the table, discuss them and come to some sort of resolution you can both live with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. it saved my marriage.

As for your wife, she betrayed your trust. She needs to rebuild it and part of that is understanding why you want to check her phone/computer. You should go to Coping With Infidelity forum and look at the things she needs to do to convince you the affair is over.

And... divorce MUST be one of the solutions. If it isn't there really isn't any consequence for her continuing the affair or not working on reconciliation.

How long does the pain last? Sometimes it never goes away. Some of it just gets replaced by love.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Is this mutual "friend" married? If so let his wife know if he isn't expose to other friends. Bring this to the light of day.


100% agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

tom67...this "mutual friend's" marriage is on the rocks, but he doesn't want to file because he doens't want his kids to hate him more than they already do. His wife (who I have never met) won't file either.

Chris...my wife knows divorce is an option. I gave her the ultimatum when I blew up after reading their "I love you" messages on her phone. I asked her if she wanted to divorce me and she said no (but it wasn't overly convincing). That day was the first time since I originally discovered the affair that she seemed TRULY sorry for what she did. She apologized and said she didn't mean for it to happen and she shouldn't have let it get that far. 

I asked her point blank, "do you want to try and save this marriage by giving us time to reconnect?". I suggested two or three years (until our son graduates out of high school). She said "I don't know". She expressed that she doesn't know what happiness is any more. She has been so unhappy in her job (thank goodness that is changing soon). I am hoping that counseling will help her sort these feelings out. I told her that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. I told that I still love her and want to mend this marriage if possible. I also told her that she must be an open book from now on until I can trust her again. But here is the problem with that: Even though she had the affair, it is ME who is trying to win her love back!! So you see the dilemma I am in? I assume that in a normal affair situation, the offender is the one who must give the spouse space until they can recover and reconnect. I am the one who got cheated on, yet it is me who is still in love and she isn't! I have read many times that I must give her space and concentrate on regaining my own self confidence. I need to show her that I will be fine with or without her (whether I actually feel it or not). This is soooo hard to do.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

Also...when I gave the ultimatum I threatened to tell EVERYONE. Not just his wife, but our family, kids, friends, etc. This would really rock her world. But what good would this do?? His marriage is already bad. In the long run, blaming all this on my wife and blabbing it all over town will only make me look bad. I am not saying that she isn't to blame. SHE had the affair. 

I don't want my wife to stay in our marriage because she feels trapped by my threats to tell our kids that she cheated. She expressed concern about our kids hating her. I told her there was nothing I could do about that if we decide to divorce. The truth would come out.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MY GOD! Can we please find this infidelity mold and BREAK IT.

EVERY STORY sounds exactly the same.

Rewriting marital history.
Shunning of intimacy while in reality saying they're not getting it.
"I only kissed" and calling it "emotional" (They banged and it's physical)

Obviously there are more but what the eff? I feel like TAM is like ground hogs day sometimes.

Sorry OP. Before you do ANYTHING. Take some time and read other people's stories and watch for similarities to your own.

Then look at the lies you've been told and how other people also discovered the same lies.

Once you have your head around that...you'll get a lot more and better advice here. Listen to them.

You're going to think your wife is different, and she'd never do xyz, and she's been honest about somethings so why would she be lieing about other things.

There's, UNFORTUNATELY, way too much experience on this site and they'll help guide you. Put faith in them even when it's painful.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

CitySlicker said:


> Also...when I gave the ultimatum I threatened to tell EVERYONE. Not just his wife, but our family, kids, friends, etc. This would really rock her world. But what good would this do?? His marriage is already bad. In the long run, blaming all this on my wife and blabbing it all over town will only make me look bad. I am not saying that she isn't to blame. SHE had the affair.
> 
> I don't want my wife to stay in our marriage because she feels trapped by my threats to tell our kids that she cheated. She expressed concern about our kids hating her. I told her there was nothing I could do about that if we decide to divorce. The truth would come out.


Listen if it was the other way around wouldn't you like her telling you what is going on? It's the right thing to do if she doesn't know heck I bet you are being fed a bunch of lies.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea their marriage is on the rocks because he is messing with your wife that's why.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

I made her give me full disclosure. She answered as many questions as I wanted to ask. When did it start? When did they meet? What happened? Blah, blah, blah.

I have heard all I need to hear from her about the affair. I am past that. It was physical and emotional (which is worse). I told her that if I caught her again, she was gone and the kids would know why. I made her call him right in front of me to break it off. What else am I supposed to do??

I love this woman. I don't want to lose her. We were young (19) when we married, but we had such a great thing for so long. I have read so many stories of couples that survived affairs and disconnections that I want to give it a try. Marriage is sacred to me. I am scared that if this doesn't work out, I will never trust anyone again...I will never want to give my heart away again...etc. 

I understand that I can't force her to fall back in love with me. I just don't know what to do going forward. I don't know how long I can live like this...but I don't want to regret not giving this marriage every chance to survive. I want my kids to know how sacred marriage is. I don't want them to see their parents as another example of how divorce is the easy way out.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

These stories happen almost daily, and are all too common. Read the Coping with Infidelity section. Very typical. I had a similar version of it with my exWW. A PA with a co-worker, then she had at least an EA with my former best/childhood friend.

Brace yourself, and prepare yourself. It is heartbreaking going through it. It is often called the living death. Your spouse as you knew her is dead. She really is not the person you loved.

You will receive great advice on dealing with the tactics. Trust them. Your story is very typical, and your wife's behavior is predictable.

I worry more about you. Be aware that you will have some of the worst emotions of your life. The stages of grief will likely happen. Don't do anything stupid, but allow yourself to feel the pain, anger, hurt, disbelief, and eventual acceptance. 

The intense desire to be with her probably will fade. That is when the tables will turn. She will likely be wanting you back, but you will want to move on or not sure if it will be worth it.

All normal stuff. In the time between now and then, focus on your health, both physical and emotional. Take time to do the things that bring you peace. Exercise. Eat well, if possible. Read. Talk to trusted peers.

You will hear about the "180." The idea is to bring you to a point of not caring, and self-improvement. It is a way to detach, and often will bring the best results for yourself.

Read about discovering yourself as a man. There are excellent books that likely have pearls of wisdom for you.

In the end, you will regain your sense of loss. You will realize that this trial turns you into a new person. There will be better people and opportunities for you.

Damn it. I hate seeing people suffer through this, but I also know you will be ok again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you considered that she doesn't want a divorce because this guys not available? Meaning that when she finds one that is she'll change her mind? Definitely pursue MC but keep your eyes open as to what's going on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

CitySlicker said:


> I made her give me full disclosure. She answered as many questions as I wanted to ask. When did it start? When did they meet? What happened? Blah, blah, blah.
> 
> *Almost guarantee that you only heard the tip of the iceberg. They tend to give you just enough truth to satisfy you. They are afraid of the devastation if they give it all too you.*
> 
> ...


I hear you on the regret for trying. We all need to go through the process long enough to decide for ourselves. It took me 8 months of it. In the end, you will need to pick a path and travel on it.

One more thing. Divorce is not the worst choice in life. Living in marriage that has resentment, mistrust, and anger is much worse. Reconciliation is possible, but many people find it is better to be emotionally able to end it before it can be fixed properly. You can find happiness on either path. It is probably easier to find it by chosing to D and start over. Your call on the timeframes.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I also want to let you know I am very pro-marriage. It just sounds like I am pushing D. You decide, but she MUST have a consequence, or you are doomed to a VERY bad relationship.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

Lovemytruck: thanks so much for your post. This is exactly what I needed to hear. You are correct...I feel like something inside me died the day I found out about being betrayed. Actually, yesterday was the first day in over three weeks that I haven't cried...so I am making progress. And I wasn't just crying about the thought of losing my wife. It is the roller coaster of emotions that I go through. Will I ever be happy again? Would a divorce cause my son to have problems (like I have seen it do to so many)? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this when all I have done for 20 years is be the best husband and father I could possibly be (which she acknowledges by the way)? 

I am trying to do exactly as you have suggested. I am in the gym everyday trying to get stronger. While I have outstanding cardio, I have never been very muscular. This is going to change. I am concentrating on spending time with my kids (something my wife doesn't do much of). Her betrayal has made me feel worthless...despite my intelligence and being successful.

I actually told her the other day during our latest "discussion" that I don't know why I haven't kicked her out. It must be because of family. I don't want to rock my kids' world until it becomes absolutely necessary. I also told her that I wished I could stop loving her so the pain would go away and then I wouldn't care anymore...but I simply love her too much to stop right now. 

I have already seen very slight signs of improvement from her in such early stages...but it is only minimal. For example, I wasn't home last night when she got home from the gym. I purposely wanted her to wonder where I was. To my surprise, she called me at 9:15pm wanting to know where I was. I told her I was at the store and was on my way home. Here's where I get into trouble. When she shows these signs, I try to "return to normal" and do something like kiss her goodbye in the morning. This is met in a cold way and we are back to square one. I HAVE TO CONVINCE MYSELF to be nice to her, but to not touch her again until she touches me first. It is just so difficult when you love someone and want the intimacy to return. I know it is a long road until that happens...if it ever does again.

The best thing to do may be for me or her to leave for a week or two...but this just isn't possible without everyone finding out about our problems. 

Thanks again for all the advice everyone. Keep it coming!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

You are doing the right things. I lurked on TAM, and tried much of this stuff too. Be patient with yourself. It has been 3 years for me, and I still have tears when I trigger. I don't share them with anyone.

The love thing is hard. My love for my ex didn't change to hate. It evolved slowly into a care, concern, or a plutonic love. The kind you have for a troubled family member. The respect and trust is not there, but I hope she has a good life.

My feelings started changing when I decided I could find a better woman. Not saying you should jump out of R, but the emotional hurt is significantly decreased when you begin to find new interests. I "window" shopped by checking out some of the local women on some of the on-line sites. It was amazing to see what was out there. The emotional side shifts when you replace fear of losing your wife with the hope of knowing you can find a better one.

I found myself at a crossroads. I had battled the idea of a revenge affair at the 2-5 month time after d-day. Glad I didn't cave in. 

This looking for the sake of knowing was when I realized that the chance of being divorced and starting over was ok. The pain is obviously still there for breaking up the family, kids, etc. The fear of losing all of your assets, home, and such also take a toll.

People that I trust and knew my issues advised me it was time to D. I felt comfortable knowing that it was the right choice.

Dating again, and finding a beautiful new girl came almost too easily. I was nervous about the dreaded rebound relationship, but I dated a woman for a year and married again last October.

In this new relationship, it FEELS different. We make better choices with the perspective of time and past mistakes.

The new life still has challenges, but I am SO glad I decided to start over. Love my new wife. We know we both have things to improve, but it is a partnership now.

Your fears of trusting someone are still with me. I guess you learn to trust someone knowing that they can fail. Realize that they choose what they do, not you. My fear is only slight. If I would have stayed with my ex, the fear would be there along with the deep resentment for what she did. I would prefer to deal with minor trust fears without resentment. This is easier when your wife (#2) is not the one that did the damage (#1).

Make sense? Hope so.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I am almost done for the day, but one final thing...

The "why" is a mind game. Played it with myself a LOT. I have found that it doesn't matter in the end. It was not your choice to bail on a decent marriage. That was her decision.

My best "why" answer is because cheaters are flawed. This is usually a symptom of their insecurity with themselves. Childhood trauma? MLC? Lack of validation in or needed outside of the marriage?

The hard part isn't the cheating, it is the blame they assign to the faithful spouse. It may have some validity, but only you know if that is true or not. I know for me, I have some flaws, but I also was a pretty darn good husband.

Your wife will realize that after the excitement fads. She may chose to let you know that she was at fault, or she may never admit it. That would be one more weakness she has to face.

Work on yourself for YOU.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

It makes perfect sense Lovemytruck. I can already see that finding the courage to post on this forum is going to really help me. I am glad someone who went through something similar was willing to respond. Thanks again for your advice.

Knowing what I have to do and being able to follow through are two different things. I feel sorry for myself because no matter what path I take, it is going to be a long and painful one. That realization is what troubles me the most right now. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a year or two and find out where I am at...without all the pain of the process. 

Well, I am off to my first counseling session. We are going together...so we will see how it goes.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

That is what I am going to try to do...work on myself. If I can do that, then I will be a better person going forward for my kids and my future lover...no matter who that might be.

I have been a good husband and a great father. I do not blame myself...I blame her for not telling me years ago when she first felt the disconnect. She has admitted fault and seems sincerely remorseful...she just isn't sure if she will feel that way for me again. Time will tell I guess. The question is who long will I give her?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I would be quite surprised that the physical aspects of the affair did not involve more than just kissing. It's not like your friend and your wife are middle school kids "making out". If they ever spent extended periods of time together and alone - they had sex. Your wife is afraid to tell you because it may be a deal breaker. Her assumption would be that you broadcast it to the worlds that she had sex with another man. She's scared to death that her children will hate her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

CitySlicker said:


> It makes perfect sense Lovemytruck. I can already see that finding the courage to post on this forum is going to really help me. I am glad someone who went through something similar was willing to respond. Thanks again for your advice.
> 
> Knowing what I have to do and being able to follow through are two different things. I feel sorry for myself because no matter what path I take, it is going to be a long and painful one. That realization is what troubles me the most right now. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a year or two and find out where I am at...without all the pain of the process.
> 
> Well, I am off to my first counseling session. We are going together...so we will see how it goes.


I remember it well. I was exactly where you were.

Be patient. It will pass, but it takes time and lots of pain. Give yourself little breaks from it.

Remind yourself that you are in control of your future. There are so many options for you if she doesn't pan out. You will find love again, if that is what you want. The odds get MUCH better for us men as we go into our 40s and beyond. 

The money and kids are issues that can be delt with, if you decide to split. Your fear of the unknown is probably worse than the reality of dealing with it.


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## CitySlicker (Jun 21, 2013)

The counseling session was helpful...but it didn't really change anything. She asked us both right up front if we were committed to making this marriage work. I said yes, but my wife said exactly what she had already told me..."I don't know". We spent the hour rehashing everything my wife and I had already cried about...but I guess the counselor needed to hear it all to understand where we are coming from.

Until my wife decides that she too wants this marriage to last, the we will not be able to go forward. The counselor felt that our marriage was definitely worth saving...especially since my wife still loves me. 

The counselor also said something very interesting that I was not aware of. When my wife said "she loved me but wasn't in love with me", the counselor said there is no such thing as "being in love". You either love someone or you don't. The feeling of "being in love" last about 12-18 months in any relationship. She explained that the affair my wife was having was feeding this feeling because of the excitement, the newness, the emotional connection, etc...but that it wasn't real. 

The counselor suggested that we separate for awhile. This would mean telling our children, friends, and family about our trouble...something we didn't want to do. The tough part is that we are going on a trip with friends in less than 10 days and we can't get out of it (it's already paid for, etc.). I told my wife when we got back that she should go to her mothers until she figures out whether she wants to try to save this marriage. I want an answer within 2 months. After I told her this she made a funny comment. She said, "maybe us getting away on the trip will help". That is the first time I have seen her balk at the thought of leaving...when the reality set in that I wanted to separate. 

I will post an update to my situation in a new thread. Thanks again to everyone for your help...especially lovemytruck. You have really helped me understand that life will go on and that I will eventually be ok.


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## photek (Jun 22, 2013)

Wow CitySlicker, I just read through your posts and can empathise on so many levels & points....it was actually a little freaky! 

As one of the other posters said, this is a surprisingly common occurrence...sadly. This doesn't make it any easier to deal with for those effected, but it does mean that there are many people who've been through the same already and can offer advice.

One of the hardest things to do is not to go all needy, you love your wife and want to show here - because you feel that maybe that's what she's missing and it'll bring you back together again...but actually the opposite seems to work better - women are odd creatures!

I hope that things get better between the two of you - it certainly doesn't seem hopeless.


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## Summer12 (Jun 25, 2013)

She looked outside the marriage because she wasn't getting what she needs at home. Stop blaming the other guy....its all about the two of you. So go to counseling and fix this. Otherwise love her enough to let her go and do it because its the right thing to do and don't be childish and try to bully her into staying with your threats. You are correct that telling everyone will only make you look bad.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

City, I'm not trying to beat you up because you're obviously going through a tough time. I do have a couple of questions for you though, related to Summer12's comment that your W looked outside the M because she wasn't getting what she needed at home.

You said, "I have been a good husband and a great father." Why not a "great" H? If you did your _best_ and "good" is all you can muster, then there's probably nothing to work on with your W because your best simply doesn't meet her needs.

But if you weren't doing your best, you have to ask yourself why? Whatever that reason is lies totally _on you._ Whatever the reason, it is _your_ failure.

I only want to emphasize this because your owning that part of the problem is critical to your success in this M or any other. My H was D'd by his first W. He never recognized any of his own contribution, blamed it all on her and brought every single one of those problems into his M with me. Now we're on the verge of D, and, except for my own personal moral compass, I would be exactly where your W is now. 

Rarely are the problems in a M caused by just one person. What are YOUR contributions?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

CitySlicker said:


> The counseling session was helpful...but it didn't really change anything. She asked us both right up front if we were committed to making this marriage work. I said yes, but my wife said exactly what she had already told me..."I don't know". We spent the hour rehashing everything my wife and I had already cried about...but I guess the counselor needed to hear it all to understand where we are coming from.
> 
> Until my wife decides that she too wants this marriage to last, the we will not be able to go forward. The counselor felt that our marriage was definitely worth saving...especially since my wife still loves me.
> 
> ...


City, as long as the other man is in the picture MC is a waste of time. There are now three people in your marriage not two. This is no fault of your own. Separating just gives her time to be intimate with the other man while you wait home. Don't do it. 

You really really should move this thread to the CWI forum ( Coping With Infidelity) . Sadly, the story you just told has been told hundreds of times before here on TAM. Same exact story along with the lies , half truths, indecisiveness etc. Ohh, and the standard classic cheater mantra ILUBIANILWY speech. Really sad. You will get more focused help in the CWI forum. 

Good luck.


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