# Need Help - Can't decide what to do about our relationship



## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Dear Everyone out there

I'm really hoping someone can help me with my situation. I'm desperate to sort this out and could really do with your help.

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7. We have a great relationship but for the last 3 years it's been completely platonic in the bedroom.

From day one, he's always had issues when it comes to sex - he's just never been comfortable, relaxed or confident in that department. I thought he just needed time to settle into the relationship and gain more confidence, so I tried building him up. However, things gradually got worse. 

There were certain circumstances that led me to believe he might be into porn, and being an IT guru it wasn't difficult to find out that he was heavily into it. So, I was puzzled when I discovered that he obviously had a sex drive, but just not doing with your average person. And I know he mast*rb*tes on a regular basis.

Just to clarify, he also had issues with his previous girlfriend.

First of all, I'm not into porn. I understand that people watch it to get turned on, but the problem is that real life is _not _porn. Women don't behave, look or speak like that when having sex.
I love my husband - I absolutely adore him or I wouldn't still be here with him. I've tried everything:
1) I've spoken to him directly about the issue 2 or 3 times now. The last time was recently and he couldn't believe that it had been 3 years since we'd done anything. I've asked him to tell if there's something that I've been doing wrong or that has turned him off, but he says it's not me but him and that age is starting to have an effect - He's 40! And the problem has always been there 
2) He's turned on by me but only when it's me turning _him_ on. When it comes to us having sexual intercourse he just... freezes on me and pulls out. He starts thinking about God-only-knows-what whilst he's doing it (not about saving the Queen and that's for sure!), and that's it - it all stops. 
3) We even went to see a doctor who prescribed viagra, but he's never taken it - in fact he doesn't even know where the box is anymore. And I happen to think the problem doesn't lie there anyway.

You can imagine how that makes me feel! Frustrated as hell!!!

I'm annoyed because I'm beginning to feel single, without the advantages of being single - i.e. sleeping with whomever I choose. NOT that I slept around or anything, but I picked my partners well and never had issues there - not that I've told my husband this of course, as I don't want him to have a complex - although maybe he has? Never having had these issues before I'm totally stumped.

I also get quite a bit of male attention, and although I've not been tempted in the past, I'm beginning to wonder why it is that other guys find me attractive, but my own husband won't even touch me.

This is putting a real strain on me. I've now had to turn my feelings off as I can't but help being attracted to my husband, and the only way I can deal with this is to totally close myself off from him. Every time he touches me, I want to jump him!

Can anyone help? Does anyone know anyone in the same situation? Have you been in the same situation? Can any of the guys maybe suggest what the issue could be? Can anyone suggest what I could be doing to sort the issue out? Does anyone know of any sex therapists in the UK?

Please note that the issue is _not_ being able to turn him on, as I know I can - but being able to get him to have sexual intercourse with me. 

Wish the UK had more sex therapists, but it completely sucks here where that's concerned


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MissMoneypenny said:


> I'm annoyed because I'm beginning to feel single, without the advantages of being single


I know exactly what you mean! I told my H that when i got married i became a nun. my H is also addicted to porn. its the major issue for us. I also went through a phase that i wouldnt let him touch me and i never touched him. i still dont really touch him. 

For a long time i tried to understand why he would rather look at porn then be with me. he would never tell me but i did come across this thread on TAM: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/18019-my-husband-addicted-live-porn-help.html
read the posts by NiceguybutAddicted and you will know why your H is not interested in you.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

@ Blanca: Thanks loads for your reply... any response helps. It's reassuring but sad to see I'm not alone in this.

Hmm... slightly different issue from NiceguybutAddicted, but I see where he's coming from. My husband doesn't do live but more films. He told me it helps with his own lack of experience as he's not had many lovers, and that he thought it would help us... of course, it hasn't.

The problem is that once guys start on porn, there's no stopping them - no girl can compete with those girls, which is what NiceguybutAddicted himself says and which is what I told my hubby. Above all, no girl would _want to_ compete. To me it feels too sl*tty, too much like a prostitute and that's just not me. Don't get me wrong, I love sex and I like variety but I don't like to be made to feel like a prostitute - if that were the case we'd all be out in the streets or on live cam and at least we'd be making money out of it!

I've watched quite a few documentaries where porn stars get interviewed and even _they _say that there's no way they'd behave like that with their respective partners - to them it's "just acting". But your average bloke doesn't get that. The funny thing is that he's fine watching porn, but if I ask him to watch those documentaries with me, to face reality, he shuts down and doesn't want to watch. He prefers living with the illusion of sex rather than the real thing.

I watched this interview once on youtube where the sex therapist mentioned that you should maybe get your guy to stop mast*rbating and that would get him more keen, but how on earth are you supposed to ask him that?!

What I don't understand is why is it _not_ important for guys to 'feel'? Why do they not want that kind of emotion and sensation that's going to give you that high and release with a real warm body rather than a flat image? Where does the love go? Where does the wanting to please the other fit into all this? 

To me it all seems selfish because you just want to _be _pleased all the time, but not _give_ pleasure *sigh*

It's tearing me apart and I've been tempted to end things - despite my better judgement. I'm torn between right and wrong, between staying or going, between understanding what I want out of my life now and what is my objective. I'm in my early 40s too and I don't want to think I'm just wasting my life away. I want to make sure that all the sacrifices I make, all the effort I put into my life and lifestyle are for a _good _, solid and valid reason but at the moment I just see shades of grey in my life.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MissMoneypenny said:


> What I don't understand is why is it _not_ important for guys to 'feel'? Why do they not want that kind of emotion and sensation that's going to give you that high and release with a real warm body rather than a flat image? Where does the love go? Where does the wanting to please the other fit into all this?
> 
> To me it all seems selfish because you just want to _be _pleased all the time, but not _give_ pleasure *sigh*


It is selfish. my H hasnt looked at porn in over a year (i think) and he has become more interested in sex, but he wants it quick and no foreplay. he just wants to finish and feel good. you'll find a lot of women on here in this situation.

my H constantly says the reason he likes porn is because it is quick and he just wants to feel good. He has never been with anyone before me so this was all he knew. he'd never felt anything else. So that could be what it is with your H, too. he probably never gave sex enough of a try to feel anything, and porn is just easy. its instant gratification. pleasing a women takes more effort.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Hmm... Blanca. I'm beginning to see a connection here. Hubby had only ever been with one other woman before me and he did used to complain his lack of experience, which was not an issue with me - hence my having had patience and tried to reassure him on a constant basis but hasn't worked.
I'm glad you're at least having sex with your H but it can't be great to have it over and done with and then, that's it! Every woman wants to be woed or teased. 
Of course, there are times when you just want it and immediately but that doesn't mean you always want it that way.
Yep, I see the selfishness there too


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my thoughts, as a 43 year old guy...

First, I've only had one partner besides my wife. And I look at porn and "DIY" because I'm tired of the rejection from my wife, but I don't get the idea that's the issue in your situation. If things improve in the bedroom, I don't go looking for porn or self-satisfaction. When we go to the "once a month" schedule, then my browser gets a workout. So in my case, it's not a case of needing the porn over a warm body. The porn is an easily replaced and poor substitute. I'd much rather spend an hour of sweaty aerobic exercise in the comfort of our bedroom. Of course, everyone is different...

Second, have you checked to see what kind of porn he's looking at? Anything "different", like gay, multiple partners, S&M, whatever? Could he have a "kink" that he's not willing to share with you, for whatever reason?

Third, it "seems" that the problems are in his mind. If he's not willing to work on addressing the situation, you may have to decide if the situation is acceptable to you. But he will likely need to be a willing participant in the process, if things are going to change.

C


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

@PBear: thanks for sharing. It really helps.

You're right, it's not the same problem. I want to have sex... I happen to think it's really important and vital to bring each other closer, to help share pleasure etc. And I wouldn't want him to go looking elsewhere. Also, the time of the month has never stopped me before so that wouldn't normally be an issue either, but that is kind of a personal preference. Some men and women are ok with doing it even then and others are put off by it.

I've only ever had sex with one partner before this too and it's the same for my husband. Frankly, I don't see anything wrong with that but I know some people will disagree.

The porn he watches is just your normal, average porn. Guy and girl going at it. I've asked him about kinky stuff and I don't think he's got anything like that going on either.

I'm pretty sure the problems are in his mind, and he's pretty much admitted it, but then what can I do about it? I've tried suggesting we go to sexual therapist but finding one here is useless.

I so sympathise with your situation. Incredibly frustrating... how are you coping or dealing with the issue? Have you broached the subject openly with her?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

To be honest, I've posted a thread in the "Considering Divorce or Separation" forum... So I'm not coping with it well. It's one of multiple issues in our relationship, but it's a biggie. I agree strongly with you that it's important in a healthy marriage. 

In our case, I'm sticking with my theory that there's serious self-esteem issues involved. My wife is not happy with herself physically so her sexual desire is gone. There could also be depression issues involved, but I'm not a shrink. But, as with your husband, she has to be willing to work on the issues involved, cause I can't change what's in her head without her help. So the issue for me isn't just the lack of intimacy, but the unwillingness to at least try to work on the issue.

Right now, we've each done an individual session with a marriage counselor. We have our first joint one next week. And yes, the topic of our sex life has come up front and center in discussions already. 

C


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

I feel your pain, or did in the past anyways. I am 25 now, I've been married and divorced, and now remarried already. I got married at 19, to a man that was 26, we had dated for 3 1/2 years and lived together for 2 1/2 of those years, our sex life wasn't obsolete, but not booming either-every time i tried he turned me down, always telling me our relationship isn't just about sex...even within the first year of marriage we had sex like once a month, and i had to beg for that even. i got pregnant at 21, he literally wouldn't have sex with me for 9 months. we had sex a couple times after that before i left. we were together for 6 1/2 years total...i basically decided i just couldn't live my life like that anymore. it wasn't just the sex, he was very verbally abusive as well. i never cheated on him, but near the end i knew that if i didn't leave that i would soon. i personally need more than a roommate if you are my husband. i can get a roommate and they would stay out of my business while i date other guys lol. for me no sex isn't an option, my now husband knows that. we have a 14 wk old, and we have sex a couple times a week, to me that is decent, and i know once the baby is older it'll increase.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

I'm beginning to notice a trend with some of the answers I'm getting, both on here and in private, and it pretty much seems that everyone has either ended up leaving their partners or is contemplating doing so *sigh*

I guess I don't want to give up unless I've tried everything.

Thanks for your reply sntdwn2ufrmhvn (something tells me you just made that up when you signed up the first time!). I'm glad you've managed to survive it and that you were strong enough not just to leave but to get involved in another relationship soon after that. It took me years to find the right man only to... fail at the one hurdle I never thought I'd encounter 

I find difficult giving this up because, despite a few hitches here and there (and what marriage is perfect), our marriage is great.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MissMoneypenny said:


> I find difficult giving this up because, despite a few hitches here and there (and what marriage is perfect), our marriage is great.


well if its any consolation i am far from giving up on my marriage. in fact, lately things have been going really well. I think when a guy has issues with porn its really easy to pinpoint the problems of the marriage on him watching porn, but there's really a much deeper issue for both partners. You also have a lot of changing to do so you could start there. but dont give up. you have over ten years with this guy and you've just hit a bump in the road.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Thanks Blanca... I'm not giving up just yet, I'm looking for a way round it.
I'm not sure what you mean by saying it's easy to pin point the issue to porn. I don't know what the issue is, but I'm assuming that's it because that's all he's ever been into it. Don't forget that he had the same issues with his ex (and first) girlfriend. 
I'm very much for open relationships and we talk about everything. It is because of our open relationship that we've been able to survive this long without sex or it would have ended a long time ago. Believe you me our honesty can be quite brutal at times, but I'd rather hear it than have anything buried and hidden, which is why this glitch... seems unsurmountable.
I just don't know what to do next - all I know is that it's driving me bonkers. I wouldn't normally pay attention to another guy making advances to me, but when I'm getting more attention outside the house than in, it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me... it would be so easy to give in and give up but I'm not the giving up kinda girl.
Don't get me wrong, had he been cheating on me I wouldn't even hesitate, but I know 100% he's not 
Still no further ahead in this.
Really glad you've got yourself sorted out though Blanca... it's good to see  Thanks for the reassurance too x


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

I am dealing with this same issue in my marriage...
I know my husband is trying for me....for us.

What I can tell based on having several conversations with both men and women about this issue is that men always seem to want the quick fix. If they are horny, they don't want to have to go through the trouble of getting their partner in the mood. They don't seem to want to be troubled with worrying about whether their partner is satisfied or not.

Now I am not saying that this is true for all men or in all situations, but it does seem to be the underlying basis for why men like porn so much ( that and the variety of beautiful women they can access at any given time).
My husband said to me that I am often too stressed out or need too much attention to get me in the mood.... I'll admit that this is true some of the time, as I have a very stressful and demanding job, and sometimes I'd prefer a mutual foot rub to actual intercourse.

When our sex life dwindled down to once a month, and a very bland mechanical sex life at that....and then I saw how much porn he was watching, I was irate. I was hurt. I was scared of losing him. i was scared of him losing me.
I gave my man an ultimatum.
It's either the porn or me.
I didn't say no masturbation- I just said no porn.
I want to be the only woman he receives sexual gratification from.
I don't ask a lot....

Other marriages have other issues and some women could care less about porn, but it was an issue for me, and my marriage suffered because of it. hence the extreme ultimatum. I don't want to married to someone who lies and sneaks around. I don't want to be married to a person who would rather look at other women than to spend a little energy with his wife.
He admits that a lot of his porn problem just came from sheer laziness, and he knows that he has to fix that.

I made a commitment to being sexually available (and even initiate) three times a week. I made him promise to try this with me, and that "no" just simply isn't an acceptable answer anymore ( from either of us). I also suggested that at least once a week we try something new- a position, a toy, a new location, something to avoid falling into a rut.

I am also trying to work on my appearance. He once said to me (out of spite - when I attacked him for watching porn) that he liked porn women because they all look perfect, and I don't anymore. Well that hurt - a lot. But I took it with a grain of salt. Men are visual creatures, and though I wasn't too concerned about the 20 pounds I have gained in the past 10 years, he seemed to be. So I am trying.

I figure if I look better, I'll feel better and more confident, and there will be a greater incentive for him to want to see me naked and touch my naked body instead of wasting his time with the computer.

I am also working more around the house, and my efforts have inspired him to help out more. When I can come home to a clean house, 50% of my stress is immediately relieved. I can relax, I can feel comfortable, and I can have sex without worrying about the dishes left in the sink or his dirty socks on the bathroom floor.

The point is that we are BOTH working on this issue together. I am trying in my ways and he is trying in his ways. We BOTH acknowledge that there is a problem, we BOTH have taken responsibility for our own actions or lack of actions in contributing to the problem. AND we BOTH are working hard to fix it.
Your husband needs to make an effort here, too.

You shouldn't and can't blame yourself for all of this, nor should you place all the blame on him. BOTH of you have to be willing to work at it or it won't work. Marriage is a partnership- and I am sure you already know that. The key is getting him to admit there is a problem, admit what his role in the problem is, and that you two come to some sort of dialogue on how to fix it. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't happen overnight- because it won't.
I still deal with a great amount of anxiety and insecurities because of what porn has done to my self esteem, but every day it is getting a little better. The trying to make it better is what is keeping me going. The fact that my H recognized how hurtful the porn was to me, and that he has respected me enough to try and work through it has made me love him even more.

I came to this forum about a moth ago, desperate and crying because of the same issue. I found some really good advice here and some really bad advice here, but overall- I can tell you that this is a good place to help you formulate your own plan of action.
I wish you luck, and I would love to read more as you make progress.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MissMoneypenny said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by saying it's easy to pin point the issue to porn. I don't know what the issue is, but I'm assuming that's it because that's all he's ever been into it. Don't forget that he had the same issues with his ex (and first) girlfriend.


IMO, a guy that has a long history of porn addiction, and a short history of emotional and physical intimacy with other girls, has some severe emotional dissonant issues. That's the easy part to focus on. He's got a problem. Its overt and stands out. If you could fix him, your marriage would be good. Its an easy trap to get sucked into. But you have to ask yourself what kind of girl would be attracted to a guy with these problems? 

In fighting with my H about his problems a lot of my own emotional problems came to light. I attracted this kind of guy for a reason, because his emotional problems challenged my own. In the middle of emotional and physical deprivation its really hard to grasp that since you're crawling out of your skin for any kind of physical attention. But I had to do a lot of soul searching and i discovered that my dysfunction was contributing just as much to the dire state of the marriage as was his. leaving my H was not going to fix anything. id find a different nut in a new shell. and continually trying to change him wasnt going to fix anything, either. i had to fix me. i was just as dysfunctional as my H. 

In a lot of ways i think identifying with my own humanity has saved my sanity. I now have empathy in my relationship where before i only had demands and frustration. I leave his issues alone because quite frankly, I have enough of my own to handle.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Mrs.LonelyGal said:


> If they are horny, they don't want to have to go through the trouble of getting their partner in the mood.


MrsLonelyGal Thanks loads for sharing. It really does help with others share their issues/points of view. If nothing else it helps in formulating a plan or ideas.

I appreciate what you're saying above, but to be honest he hasn't even tried the 'I'm horny, let's get it over kind of approach', that's why I'm puzzled by what's happening. I've just no way of knowing. And when I've asked him he can't think of a reason. If it was to do with something I'm doing or not doing I'm pretty sure he'd tell me.

My issue is how do I get this information out of him?
How can I guide him to the source of the issue?

As for looking as perfect as a porn starn... that would require plastic surgery at this age and I'm certainly not willing to go anywhere near that! Frankly, even when I was in my younger body it wasn't doing much good anyway so not sure where or even if that would lead me anywhere.
Have been thinking of going to a marriage counsellor but can't find a single one 

I always wanted to become a nun - maybe I should have gone down that route - maybe I 'should' go down that route? 

I love your idea of being sexually available and trying different things - I'm all up for that, but with him it's a different story.

You've brought into light the it takes BOTH of us to want to do something about it. So, if he doesn't want to do anything about it where does that leave us?

He says he loves me and that he'll try and sort things out, but he hasn't and I know he hasn't even tried or looked into it. His way of dealing with issues is to CLOSE HIS EYES to them and hope they'll eventually go away. 3 years down the line and the issues are still there.

However, can I just say a HUGE well done to you for trying so hard to work things out. It sounds as if you've found a way around it. I wish you the best of luck in your progress. Would love it if you were to keep me posted and see how your ideas are working out.

As for me, I need to come with ideas to make things go forward because talking about things openly has not worked so far.

Also, I'm 43 and I'd have liked to have had children by now, hence we'd agreed I would come off the pill, but time is passing now, and because of this issue I'm no longer sure I want kids.

I do not want to bring kids up in a relationship which has this kind of doom and gloom.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I now have empathy in my relationship where before i only had demands and frustration.


Thanks to you too Blanca. I think our circumstances may be slightly different but I do appreciate you sharing as it does help - it's things that I can query with him regardless of my not thinking that's the situation.

I'm trying to fix the issue, and if that means I need to change then so be it, but in order to change I need to know the root of the problem otherwise I might be changing something that is already working in our relationship thus making things doubly worse.

Sex is the only thing not working. Everything else is balanced so the last thing I need to do is change something that *is* working.

I need to narrow things down and work out what my next move is. Sometimes I feel that maybe if he talked to a complete stranger i.e. a counsellor that that might help and he was supposed to look into that and find one, but he never has.

I'm sorry you've discovered there's other issues underlying your current problems, but at least you're now trying to sort things out and you sound better for it. Hope you get things sorted out in the near future and wish you the best of luck.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Maybe sometimes, when the issues is so big, you need a third party to bring everything to the surface so that there are no fears of repurcussions?

Has anyone been through any counselling at all? Maybe I should start a different post for this...


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## IloveFlowers (Dec 8, 2010)

I just wanted to chime in and say that my husband used to have a bad porn addiction. He said he started viewing porn at age 10! Dad and big brother had it in the house. He set up an accountability partner and received some counseling from our pastor at church and is doing really well with it now. He says he will always struggle with it but he feels that he has a hold on it now.

I felt betrayed by his porn addiction. I believe if a spouse looks at pornography that is cheating, because he is lusting after another woman. Jesus said that if you look at another with lust then it is adultery. That was a big paraphrase but you get the meaning.

Try to get your husband to talk to someone about it. Does he realize he has an addiction?


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

MissMoneypenny said:


> Maybe sometimes, when the issues is so big, you need a third party to bring everything to the surface so that there are no fears of repurcussions?
> 
> Has anyone been through any counselling at all? Maybe I should start a different post for this...


Yes.
Emphatically, yes.
An open dialogue is definitely a step in the right direction.

I started going to a therapist during a perfect storm of emotions hit me. I was having trouble w/ my family and then a nervous breakdown because of working such a stressful and demanding job, and then I come home from a business trip and I see that my husband has spent every waking moment I was gone looking at porn... this is after several requests that he stop and how bad it hurt me.

I was already fragile and this was straw that broke the camel's back. My husband was someone I thought I could trust. My life w/ him _was _my safe place.... then this discovery ruined my self esteem and trust. How can you be intimate w/ someone who disrespects you so deeply, someone you feel you can't trust?

I new I had to talk to someone I was having passive suicidal thoughts like- "If only an accident would happen and put me out of my misery".
I cried for days, I didn't sleep, I couldn't eat w/o being ill. It's like I could deal w/ the other stuff, but I couldn't seem to get past the porn.

I go to a social worker ( they are generally less expensive). After the first visit she asked if my husband would be willing to come in to a session.
He did. We talked- and not even about the porn. More about other stuff that contributed to our lack of intimacy.
He comes to every 3rd session and it seems to be going well.

I am advocate for communication. I think it has made the subject of our sexual dysfunctions something we can feel freely to talk about outside of the therapy sessions.

But again...he has to be willing to make an effort. He has to be willing to acknowledge that this is a problem.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

A. If he spent every moment while you were away looking at porn, then he's probably addicted. And addictions will lead to a deterioration in a relationship - doesn't matter if it's heroine, porn, or pot. Another sign he's addicted:

"Has it really been 3 years since we had sex?" 

Um. . .duh. 

People who are addicted to video games and porn don't remember the passage of time.

B. Don't take it personally. This sounds like it has 0% to do with you. Women take men viewing porn so personally and it really isn't about you, esp. in the case of addiction. Even if he viewed porn casually, it's not about you.

C. More than a woman, he probalby needs a strong male figure to tell him to knock it off, that he is missing out on life nuturing that addiction. He's misspending his sexual youth and prime on jerking off. He'll feel shame and embarrassment and anger at having this hit him (have him feel free to read this) but he almost sounds like he needs an intervention of some kind complete with all of those emotions.

D. I looked at porn a lot in my marriage, but I had a frigid partner. Once I seperated from her, go figure - the porn browsing stopped. Lost all desire. I am sure there is a "power issue" at play there too deep for me to self-analyze. (the ol' "you're not my mother" rebellion a lot of husbands go through or perhaps it was my way of getting back at her for being frigid. . .who knows what my dysfunction was)

E. I always come back to this point - the point that for a marriage to be "valid", it must be in a state of consummation. I am not a Priest, Rabbi or Minister but frankly, your marriage doesn't sound valid after 3 years of no sex (did I read that right?)

To me, you have carte blanche to leave him as he has totally neglected you and the marriage. I'm sorry. . .I know you perhaps expect a forum to be supportive and a "DO ANYTHING TO SAVE THIS" philosophy and beleive me, I don't take divorce lightly. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He may be a nice person dealing with an addiction but it's time for him to step up to the plate and leave porn behind and restore the intimacy to marriage that is part and parcel to it.

Good luck.

PS: I think I am mixing up who's husband is viewing porn and what not but the main thrust of my post still stands.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

First off define "porn addiction". Watching porn once a day, once every two-three days i wouldn't call a porn addiction. i do this too and i'd instantly forget about it and switch to actual sex if i had the chance. 

As for my husband, his problem seems to stem from me not respecting him/paying attention to him, generally treating him badly for a period of time. He will watch porn once in a while but he's explained that he does this because biologically he needs a release once in a while otherwise he'll feel uncomfortable. 

Other than that according to him he has no real drive for actual sex. He does get aroused and everything. He just doesn't want the actual sex part. Why this is happening, i'm not sure, could be anything from the fact that he's not in the mood to do anything really (his weight is contributing to it as is stress) to the fact that he still doesn't feel comfortable with me and the resentment might not all be gone. 

We went for a year without sex but to be fair i didn't ask for it either. And even if i did ask i'd assume it was my responsibility as the one who wanted it to actually try and get him in the mood rather than just demand sex. 

Can you think of anything that may have affected his self esteem/ impression of sex? Ever rejected him, made him feel inappropriate? anything else in his past that made him feel inappropriate? Anything he may have gotten angry with you over? (i didn't work for a while and our finances went down...because my husband has had this kind of trouble when young and hated the "poverty" he sort of blamed me to what we were going through and this also contributed to his lack of desire). 

The porn he watches has a lot to say about him. Mine will just switch through photos of naked women, get the job done and move on to whatever it is he was doing before. It's clear to me that if he was a highly sexual person he'd at least have the curiosity to look at heavier stuff/download some DVDs....

I personally don't share your view on having to "feel loving" during sex. As much as i love my husband for me sex is just that...sex. In fact, it gets more complicated for me when i love someone because there's more risk involved/i can't afford to be egoistic and seek out only my pleasure and if i have any hangups (regarding how i look/perform) i'll care about them when with my love (Whereas with porn or a stranger i wouldn't give a damn and it's emotionally safer). To an extend it sounds like your husband is experiencing something somewhat similar. 

Another thing...if a person is not into sex...in general or with a spouse, i doubt stopping masturbation will help things because they still won't want to have sex and they'll be physically uncomfortable. That's just the way i see it. masturbation is a normal thing most people do regardless of how their marriage is. They start doing it at an early age and it remains as a habit even after you're married. Some people (like me) don't even see the connection between masturbation and sex. I doubt my sex life with my husband would greatly change my masturbation habits. It's just something i've done for ages...like make myself a tea when i want to feel comfortable. 

I'm amongst those who didn't give up and things are better now (aka sex decently more often than before, once every two weeks or so but highly enjoyable for me). I'm still sorta frustrated because of the frequency (and i also have this need for him to suddenly rediscover all his desire and us go for it like bunnies) but you can take me as proof that sex in marriage can improve. For the record, i didn't push my guy into having sex for nearly over a year and he's starting to want more of it on his own, slowly as hell but the progress is obvious. (i have however blown off a lot of frustration on this forum to try not take it out on him). 

Finally, how active are you in bed? Do you show him enthusiasm? The reason i'm asking this is that i always thought i was sexual but didn't want to come off as a...welll..hooker, so i was rather passive during our sex play. While in my mind i was a "naughty little girl" he only saw a relatively quiet and not so passionate woman. That's because as action i was holding way, way back. 

Some of the things i've written above might not apply to your situation at all. I've had to search for what was happening in my relationship for a long period of time and figured lots of things out when i read similar situations and heard opinions of other people from different perspectives. That's why i'd rather put a lot of possibilities up here and you can simply see if anything rings a bell. You'd be surprised how little i realized back two years ago when i put up a post similar to yours and how much i realize now looking back. 

"I'm trying to fix the issue, and if that means I need to change then so be it, but in order to change I need to know the root of the problem otherwise I might be changing something that is already working in our relationship thus making things doubly worse."

This was my problem too. So i made a plan to change the things i knew for sure could improve our marriage and had no chance of hurting it, like being more affectionate, understanding, open, honest, etc. And as you figure more things out, you'll start realizing what else you need to do to improve things.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

Have barely slept, big thoughts and dreams captivating my mind. Dreamt that I was aimlessly roaming about the streets and that a couple of guys were interested in going out with me... and I felt free to make the choice of going out with them. Deeply upsetting. Not a good sign. Hence woke up with thoughts of separation.

Scannerguard you've hit the nail in the head with most of your comments. When you say "I always come back to this point - the point that for a marriage to be "valid", it must be in a state of consummation. I am not a Priest, Rabbi or Minister but frankly, your marriage doesn't sound valid after 3 years of no sex (did I read that right?)", that is exactly what I feel at the moment. That our marriage is not really a marriage. I woke up thinking "Any judge would grant us divorce at this stage!". 
To be honest it is now approaching 3 1/2 years and it's driving me mad.

I don't want to be thinking about separation or divorce, I want to solve my marriage, but I can't do it on my own. I'm hating having to approach this subject again - it's always me that brings it up and I'm sick and tired of going through all the trauma all over again. Xmas is coming up and I know that nothing is going to change.

I guess I go through ups and downs and this is not a good period. It reminds of families and happiness and our relationship doesn't reflect either of the two things at the moment. The other day we were talking about one of our friends and how she wasn't physically attracted to her man and never had been. And he piped up and said that he really fancies me and was very much attracted to me - I'm so lost... I'm slowly going crazy.

Nekko - interesting your concept of sex. To me it goes a little deeper than that. If it was just 'sex' then I could really do it with anyone - wouldn't really need to be my husband, would it? Wish I felt the same way you did because then I could just grab a guy and just go at it, but I'm not detached enough about it, never have been. I've always chosen my partners very carefully...

As for defining porn addiction, I don't know - how do you define porn addiction? Anything that takes the place of sex is an addiction. It's like masturbation - there's nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it's not used INSTEAD OF or as a SUBSTITUTE to sex. If it is, then I think there are problems.

I'm just tired. Tired of this situation. Tired of feeling like this. Tired of having to approach the subject yet again. Tired that it's only me that seems to care. This is tearing me apart.
Apologies everyone I'm sure I'll pick myself up again soon - I just wanted to let out some pent up frustration. 

Mrs.LonelyGal I'm glad things are slowly beginning to work for you. Maybe I should be a bit more active about seeking councelling. I guess I'm just peeved that he's not taking any part in sorting this out at all and it's me that keeps having to do the running around - mind you, that's nothing new in our relationship I suppose.

Thanx to all for your support - I'll pick myself up in a minute xxx


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think addiction is defined when it starts to have an effect on the quality of your relationships - whether that's alcohol, heroine, pot, video games, hunting, fishing, whatever.

My grandmother usually had 4 belts of vodka and cranberry juice/day for years. Then occasionally weekend drinking. 

By all accounts, she did look addicted at times. Yet, she took care of her house, never drove intoxicated, held down a job, kept a busy social calendar with volunteering.

Maybe it's not the lifestyle I would lead (with the drinking) but by all accounts, even though I inherited a liquor cabinet that looked like the front desk of a liquor store, I wouldn't say she was addicted.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

MissMoneypenny said:


> Dear Everyone out there
> 
> I'm really hoping someone can help me with my situation. I'm desperate to sort this out and could really do with your help.
> 
> ...


Find back that box of viagra or get a new box. Bring a glass of water and watch him take! 

Stop thinking & worrying ! Pron is a lie. It's not a real thing where he needed his manhood ego stroked. The real problem is medical.

You can never downgrade viagra, it will make your husband hard like steel and he would give you more than what you need. Maybe he also needs a shot of testosterone to boost his sexual needs.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

LOL. MsLonely, not sure why you call yourself that, but you've just cheered me up no end 

If only it could be as simple as that... hmm... maybe I'll concentrate on that first and see if it works.


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