# I'm too insecure and needy, needing help before I ruin this



## lilskeet (May 12, 2011)

I've never posted here before, so please bear with me, it may be a long one.

Background: I'm 37, he's 25. I've never been married, he's divorced. I have a teen daughter, he has a toddler aged daughter. We live in his hometown, near all his family and friends, mine are a state away.

Basically, we've been together a year next month, and have lived together (engaged) almost 8 months. I have a lot of insecurity issues and a lot of trust issues. I tend to think that a lot of my issues have to do with the fact that I had an unhealthy childhood and felt betrayed and unloved by both my parents, and then as an adult I never had good lasting relationships and was even left while pregnant with my deceased son.

In previous relationships, I always felt like I couldn't really be myself, I seemed to always try to be what the other person wanted and expected of me. I am a moody person, very emotional and sensitive, and never found anyone who was willing to love me for me (until now).

In my current relationship, he has strived for the past year to get me to be myself, to get me to be open and honest about what I want and need. And he has done well, always staying by my side no matter what. He has continued to love me and support me and to deal with my moodiness. But it has been very trying.

He moved to where I lived to be with me. We were there 5 months, but it was so obvious that he wasn't as happy as he could be; he'd left his family, his friends, his jobs, and moved an hour and a half away from his little girl. So after 5 months, I decided that we should move back to his hometown so that he could be near his family, see his friends more often, be closer to his daughter, and just generally be happy. I wanted him happy and was willing to do this.

We've been here 3 months and I just feel like it's falling apart. I have a much harder time with him being gone from me, whether it is working late (I'm not working yet, so he works whenever he can to pay bills - we don't have any free money), or going to visit his friends, or taking his "me" time to play his video game. I find myself feeling much more needy and insecure here in his town, and I really feel like I don't belong, like I don't have a place in his life here.

He tells me I'm wrong, that I do have a place and I do belong, but that I choose to keep distant and separated from it. He's right, but I'm only that way because I don't want to intrude on his life here, I don't want to come between him and his enjoying time with his friends and family.

We've argued considerably more since moving here. Usually I'm the starter, and it usually starts because I'm feeling needy and neglected and wanting more of his time. I understand that he works 7 days a week, and that many days he works from morning til night doing two jobs just to help keep us going. I understand that he is tired when he gets home, and stressed out, and that he needs a break. But I can't seem to get myself to stop from feeling so neglected and needy. It's not really anything he is doing, I feel like it is me, that I am doing this to myself. And I don't know how to begin to change that.

I find myself checking his FB, wondering what he is up to and who with. When our arguments get really bad and hateful things are said, I freak out and do even more snooping. I don't know why, except to see if there is some other reason besides the way I am that is the cause. I even installed a keylogger a few weeks ago, because I'm so insecure and afraid. When I see that he's visited the page of a female friend of his, I get freaked out, automatically thinking the worse (with no reason to even be concerned).

I know he loves me, I don't doubt it. But I do doubt that I deserve it, I do doubt that I am loveable. I've told him before that it is so difficult for me to believe continually that he really loves me, because I feel like no one before him loved me the way they should have (not my parents either, I never felt like they loved me and protected me the way they should have). He says he understands.

But things just happen to make me doubt things. Out of no where I will get very insecure and very needy, I will begin feeling unloved even when there is no reason for it. We can be having a good day, spending time together, and when he eventually chooses to do something else on his own or with his friends, no matter how good our time was I begin to think that I'm not important and he doesn't want to be with me. It's silly, and it's damaging us, but I don't know how to stop. I know I need to make some major changes, but I don't know where to begin.

What I do know is that our relationship is falling apart, and I sincerely feel like a huge part of that is my lack of security and my neediness. He tells me he loves me more than anything, would do absolutely anything for me and for us, but that he can't handle much more of this: our stress, our fighting, my moodiness, my hatefulness, my constantly wondering if he's cheating, etc.

To top it all off, we found out last week that I am pregnant. We've wanted this for a while, but it's come now at an awful time in our relationship and I feel it's stressing us even more. I certainly know it makes me feel more moody and emotional, and I know it stresses him more to think about the additional financial cost. Everything is a big mess.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels insecure and needy in relationships. But sometimes I go overboard with those feelings, I know. I am needing some advice, some tips that has worked for others, sites and places to go to get more info to help myself, anything at all. Because I love him, I know he loves me, and I want to make changes within myself with my issues, to help save us because I can feel that it's falling apart.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Firstly, I think it's just plain old good manners if you are in a relationship and going to be late etc, that you let the other person know and that you include them in your life as much as possible.

Does he include you? Does he make an effort to spend a lot of time with you?

Is his family welcoming to you and inclusive?

I think if you moved there and he knows what it's like to be out of your element that he has a responsibility to help you settle in and to understand that it may be difficult to you.

You may be being overly suspicious and jealous, does help alleviate your fears? Or does he add to them. If he is doing everything he can, and not leaving you out in the cold and ignoring your needs, then you probably have to work on you, and look at some cheap/ free hobbies. Make some friends and keep looking for a job.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Because of your unhappy childhood, you have low self-esteem and attachment issues. This means that no matter who you are with, they will never be able to fill the void left by your parents. They will never be able to give you enough to meet your needs of security and affirmation because those needs MUST be filled by you. You cannot expect your boyfriend or husband to give you self-esteem. You have to work on loving yourself first. He is the icing on your cake, not the whole cake. 

Until you see this, every relationship you have will be a challenge for you.

I agree with the above poster about sabotaging your relationship. You have been hurt and rejected so much in the past, you cannot allow yourself to get too close to anyone for fear of getting rejected again, so you sabotage the relationship as a preemptive strike. This is a coping mechanism from childhood that will need to be re-learned.

You really need therapy to get help with this problem because it is so ingrained and takes a long while to heal. 

The biggest love of your life has to be yourself. Once you learn to love and value yourself, your other relationships will improve.


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## lilskeet (May 12, 2011)

@answerman: You know, he tells me that he feels like I am out to destroy the relationship. He says that it's like I am always expecting for things to fall apart and that I will intentionally push and make things happen just so that I can say "see, I knew you would do this". I think you're right, I just don't know how to help myself stop. And I am one to just want to run away. That is one of our biggest problems, that when we have a big argument, my first reaction is to leave - not just leave the house and the argument, but to leave him and the relationship. I know that hurts him, and it hurts me. I will definitely be checking your website. 

@syrum: He does always let me know when he's going to be late, he always lets me know what he is doing and when. He tells me that he is constantly worried about me, wanting to make sure I'm okay, wondering if something that he is doing will upset me. He always makes sure that I know what is going on. And yes, he always wants to include me in things. His family is very supportive and like to include me as well. When it comes to my feelings of insecurity and jealousy, he is very good at trying to make me feel better - but only when I come at it in a good way. Usually, I don't say anything until it is so unbearable to me that I just get mad and then I don't approach it in a good manner and he just gets hurt and mad, and when he's mad he's not very understanding or kind about it. Which I understand, and I know that I have a lot within myself to work on, I just don't know how.

@laurae1967: I don't know how to love myself. When I begin to feel okay with myself, something little will happen and I just backslide. It is so easy for me to think and expect the worst of myself.

I know that I need counseling, I know that I need guidance. I just don't know where to start. I so appreciate you all taking the time to help me on here; it feels really good knowing that I'm not alone in this, and it feels even better knowing that there is someone out there who will listen and not judge.


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## Tantyhose (Apr 16, 2012)

You are suffering from a self fulfilling prophecy - where your behaviour is set on undermining the thing you fear most. "I will fail the exam because I am not smart enough, so I don't study.. then I fail.". I am suffering the same thing - I cheated - my wife got even.. she took me back and doesn't feel as much (can't blame her) and now I am convinced she will never get feelings back so I carry on with insecurity and paranoia and push her away. Apparently cognitive behaviour therapy can help. I would suggest you get help. Or the prophecy will become true.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

FYI: This thread is about 1 year old.


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