# Was I cheated on?



## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I never thought I'd have to ask that... even with the so called "gray areas" of cheating, I never thought it would be THIS gray. The issue here is type and timing. And I am very eager to hear others honest thoughts because I'm conflicted.

Basically I reconnected with someone from my past, kept it long distance for a while, then moved up here to be with him. He was very encouraging of me to move in with him from the get go, while I was hesitant at first. This may be an important tidbit in this, but I'm not sure.

So literally about a week after moving across the country to start my life with him, I found out he had been (cheating on me?) talking with other women up until about a month before I moved out here. I have never dealt with cheating before, and have gone on a rollercoaster of emotions dealing with it. Especially when it's such a new relationship, but with someone you've known for a long time. I found the texts on his phone, he kept lots of text threads from people so they were a ways scrolled down but there.

At first I felt strictly cheated on. Then I started thinking of the factors, and while I definitely don't feel that it's "all good" and what he did was fine, I'm not sure how to view this. During the period we were reconnecting, he told me I was the only woman he was talking to, and I remember asking "so we're exclusive?" And he said yes ma'am. I was satisfied with this. Then when I flew out to visit him the first time he told me he loved me and we slept together. We then regularly used "I love you" from then on. But it wasn't until like a month after that visit that it was established that we were boyfriend/girlfriend and referred to eachother as such.

So... why would he tell me we wer exclusive and I was the only one he was talking to when that was FAR from true? Despite this, it would be easier to get over had this beytrayal only occurred before my first visit and love was expressed, or before we said we were official boyfriend/girlfriend, and then stopped talking with them. But it still lasted beyond that.

He tells me that my hesitation to move out there made him doubt the relationship. That maybe I was just lonely and it wouldn't lead to anywhere. He knew I didn't sleep with just anyone and that was a big deal for me. I was very upfront about loving him and wanting to build a life together. We talked EVERYDAY. I don't even understand when he had the time to communcate with them when we'd talk for HOURS and he'd text me all the time. But basically, since I didn't jump at moving up there with him it made him doubt. Which I can kind of understand looking back. 

So, the other women. Another gray area. He had established "relationships" (i don't know what to call it) with them even before me and him reconnected. Like some of them he'd literally known and kept in contact with for YEARS. One seemed to be more of a sexting relationship for years. Friendship and sexting with them. Another one a girl from his hometown that he grew up with, friendship and some sexting. Another girl, probably the one that bothers me the most, involves a person he saw face to face in real life. Didn't appear to be sexting, just lots of flirting. Calling her "baby" just like he called me. Seemed to really like her. Saw her a few times a week through work. I had no idea!!! Again, this was also started before me and him reconnected. 

So it's almost like i was the other woman. He ultimately wanted me above all, but didn't want to drop the others cold turkey until he felt we were "real." He never told the others he loved them or wanted them to move out (from me viewing tons of texts)Ended contact on his own when our move plan was put in place. And when I found out about them when I moved up here, he on his own said he didn't care about them and I mattered more and he deleted their numbers AND changed his number. Which was awesome. 

Trust I was a wreck when this first happened. But it's been over a year since it was discovered, and I've had so much time to think about it all. It would feel so much more like cheating had this happened now with me here... but it didn't. But yet I know it wasn't right even when it happened, and I wish he had dropped them in pursuit of me. It still haunts me to this day... not just what happened, but how to view it! So help me, was I cheated on? Is it awful, but understandable? It breaks me down every time I think about it from time to time, which isn't as often anymore, but it still hits me. Like today.

One more extra tidbit, whether or not anything physical happened doesn't matter to me as much as how to categorize what I know for sure happened. If I find out he had sex with someone during that time period, it would probably change things. BUT I will cross that bridge if I ever come to it. I can't drive myself crazier than I already am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

HurtWithHope said:


> During the period we were reconnecting, he told me I was the only woman he was talking to, and I remember asking "so we're exclusive?" And he said yes ma'am. I was satisfied with this.


Anything that happened AFTER he agreed you were an exclusive couple is cheating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Judging solely by your narrative, I would think that it's all too apparent that you're being cheated on!

He really likes getting his ashes hauled and he doesn't really care who it is that has to spread their thighs to accommodate that need!

Lose him like a bad habit!!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It seemed that he was fishing to see who would catch his bait it who became receptive to him. It's almost as if none of the women was special enough to be the one so he kept a bunch of them. I don't think I would call it cheating now a days if the relationship aren't define as exclusive, just like dating. You have to make peace with his explanation of the situation. If he has dropped all of the communication and sexting with the other women since you guys classified the relationship, then it isn't cheating. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Anything that happened AFTER he agreed you were an exclusive couple is cheating.





arbitrator said:


> *Judging solely by your narrative, I would think that it's all too apparent that you're being cheated on!
> 
> He really likes getting his ashes hauled and he doesn't really care who it is that has to spread their thighs to accommodate that need!
> 
> ...


What about the fact that I didn't express exclusivity on my part? Does that change anything? Sometimes I think perhaps I was too go with the flow and casual with us during those months. I was just wanting to enjoy and not worry about such things. I remember when he said I was the only one he was talking to I asked "so we're exclusive?" as a surprised inquiry as I felt he was just being flirty with me up until that point and i felt I surely wasn't the only one. He never asked me back though. I don't know. Was that a mistake on my part? I wasn't upfront enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum.

I have a few questions that may help us help you.

Had you dated this man in the past or was he simply an old acquaintance?
How did you find out about all the other relationships he was having? Did he tell you? Did you catch him? Elaborate please.
Does he now allow you full access to his devices and his passwords and such?
Would you care to share your ages?

My answer? Yes, you were being cheated on if you were in a committed relationship and he was sexting other women. Your roller coaster emotion reaction was justified, and that tells me how serious it was to you also.

It also sounds as if you have forgiven him, and moved on. There will probably always be triggers that will set you off and bring back that raw emotion. I feel that sadly with the way things are with the internet full of dating sites, social media, porn sites, even texting/sexting, it has made cheating that much easier, prevelent, and to some "no big deal because it wasn't intercourse". 

Sexting can be VERY addicting, so I hope he is over it, and it never happens in your relationship again.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Cheating? Yes, maybe, sort of - it's open to interpretation. After asking him if you two were exclusive, then perhaps he didn't 'see' anyone, yet kept in contact with them. Keeping his options open, in case you didn't move to be there with him. Whether you see that as being prudent on his part, or a slap in the face, is up to you. Probably somewhere in the middle.

From his POV, he wasn't sure if you'd actually move, so I get it. He obviously had a few more women he was interested in (apart from you), and they were local. Had he cut off all contact with them, and you hadn't moved (thus taking the relationship to the next level), he'd be SOL with them going forward, and he knew that.

So what you're left with is somebody who purposefully kept his options open, on the chance you balked. I wouldn't know how to feel about that, TBH.

He's well within his rights to do so, IMO, but at the same time, it somewhat minimizes your importance to him - no matter how you slice it. It sounds like you're the one he was really after, but all the same, know what I mean?

I guess at this point, you'll need to ensure he has no further contact with these women. If he doesn't, then you're golden. If he does, though, then you know what you're in for down the road.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum.
> 
> I have a few questions that may help us help you.
> 
> ...


No, we hadn't dated before. We met a long time ago and had been Facebook friends for years, then starting talking out of the blue.

I found the text threads in his phone. And Facebook. He also deactivated his Facebook. So that's how I could see dates of all communication. Not surefire, but seems to check out.

Yes I know his phone password and he never changed it. Everything appears to have ended, of course it is in the back of my mind because these other women precluded our relationship so surely they must be going crazy wondering why he disappeared? Not sure! I was surprised when he so freely dropped them and changed his number.

He is mid 30s and I am 30. 

My mind is confused about how committed our relationship was during that time. I felt very, but I also wasn't stereotypical woman demanding labels and whatnot... until we did label... and the other women contact continued. But I gave excuses to not moving... which he felt meant I wasn't serious and was all talk about building a life together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

HurtWithHope said:


> What about the fact that I didn't express exclusivity on my part? Does that change anything? Sometimes I think perhaps I was too go with the flow and casual with us during those months. I was just wanting to enjoy and not worry about such things. I remember when he said I was the only one he was talking to I asked "so we're exclusive?" as a surprised inquiry as I felt he was just being flirty with me up until that point and i felt I surely wasn't the only one. He never asked me back though. I don't know. Was that a mistake on my part? I wasn't upfront enough?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the fact that he didn't ask you back implies that he views it quite differently than you - which is okay, but only if you're okay with it. I'm not sure you are, though.

If I were asked that question, I'd ask it in return. I'd have asked the question first (like you did), because I'd want to know. Moving to be with somebody is a big undertaking, and it's you that has to do that heavy lifting, so it's easy to understand why you'd want to ensure it's on the up-and-up.

From his perspective, if you didn't move to be with him, he didn't lose anything (apart from you, of course), and life goes on. It sounds like he wanted a Plan B (and C and D) in the event that you balked.

The only definitive thing this implies is that he doesn't want to be alone. And IMO, that shouldn't be ANY part of starting a relationship. That's not to say that you're just any one to him, but it would raise a (small) red flag in my mind.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

HurtWithHope said:


> What about the fact that I didn't express exclusivity on my part? Does that change anything? Sometimes I think perhaps I was too go with the flow and casual with us during those months. I was just wanting to enjoy and not worry about such things. I remember when he said I was the only one he was talking to I asked "so we're exclusive?" as a surprised inquiry as I felt he was just being flirty with me up until that point and i felt I surely wasn't the only one. He never asked me back though. I don't know. Was that a mistake on my part? I wasn't upfront enough?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You asked if you were exclusive. He said yes. That means you were exclusive. So, yes, anything that he did after that he did knowing he was in an exclusive relationship.



HurtWithHope said:


> My mind is confused about how committed our relationship was during that time. I felt very, but I also wasn't stereotypical woman demanding labels and whatnot... until we did label... and the other women contact continued. But I gave excuses to not moving... which he felt meant I wasn't serious and was all talk about building a life together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am also not a stereotypical woman who demands labels. Back in my single days, I was fine with enjoyable company and casual sex. Just wanted to let you know where I'm coming from.

-You were having sex. 

-You had exchanged I love you's

-He told you that you were exclusive.

Considering the above, it's clearly cheating. I'm sorry.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

double post


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

alexm said:


> Cheating? Yes, maybe, sort of - it's open to interpretation. After asking him if you two were exclusive, then perhaps he didn't 'see' anyone, yet kept in contact with them. Keeping his options open, in case you didn't move to be there with him. Whether you see that as being prudent on his part, or a slap in the face, is up to you. Probably somewhere in the middle.
> 
> From his POV, he wasn't sure if you'd actually move, so I get it. He obviously had a few more women he was interested in (apart from you), and they were local. Had he cut off all contact with them, and you hadn't moved (thus taking the relationship to the next level), he'd be SOL with them going forward, and he knew that.
> 
> ...


Yeah, this is where I am at sometimes in viewing it. It's not pleasant to think about, but I know that that was what he was doing. I can't really relate because when I like someone I focus on them only, but I can't expect everyone to be like that. Why would he risk losing longstanding relationships for someone who may bail? It weirdly is somewhat of a consolation to me that none of those other "relationships" were started after we began talking. All before. 

Though I was very clear that I loved him, visited him, and talked about our future. 



alexm said:


> I think the fact that he didn't ask you back implies that he views it quite differently than you - which is okay, but only if you're okay with it. I'm not sure you are, though.
> 
> If I were asked that question, I'd ask it in return. I'd have asked the question first (like you did), because I'd want to know. Moving to be with somebody is a big undertaking, and it's you that has to do that heavy lifting, so it's easy to understand why you'd want to ensure it's on the up-and-up.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is the type that loves to have someone in his life. I am the same way actually. It sounds like in his younger wilder days he got around, then became more picky about wanting to care about that person as he got older. He seemed to care about everyone he was talking to. It kind of makes me feel icky that we would also sext a lot during that time... and I wasn't the only one. 

It bothers me and I understand this mindset all at the same time. Why be lonely when trusted women are willing to give you some attention? Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's ridiculous for a man to expect a woman to move across the country to be with him WITHOUT currently being totally exclusive with her. 

So in his mind, you hadn't committed yet (early in the relationship) to moving, so he was just going to keep options open with others?

That seems backwards to me. 

He wanted you to make the decision to uproot your life to be with him but in reality wasn't providing the foundation for you to make that decision (honest exclusivity). 

I'd sure never move for someone unless I was their one and only. And I'd never expect someone else to move for me unless I was providing that to them.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> You asked if you were exclusive. He said yes. That means you were exclusive. So, yes, anything that he did after that he did knowing he was in an exclusive relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's how I feel half the time... I'm so conflicted. I guess another question is, should that change how I handle things? But now it's over a year out and seems light years away, not just in regular time but also the evolution of our relationship that living together does. I never thought I'd be with a cheater.



Livvie said:


> I think it's ridiculous for a man to expect a woman to move across the country to be with him WITHOUT currently being totally exclusive with her.
> 
> So in his mind, you hadn't committed yet (early in the relationship) to moving, so he was just going to keep options open with others?
> 
> ...


But that's the kicker, I didn't know he had other women until AFTER I moved up here. I didn't know how to handle finding this out then... and I can't go back in time. Wish I would have had this site then! Maybe I would have handled it differently? It definitely does detract from the specialness we had going on during that period of long distance. I thought we were on the same page and we clearly weren't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just make your moving the cutoff point. Any further action means no go. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? I would read it as soon as possible. Good guideline on how a healthy relationship should go. Share important parts with him. If he thinks it's BS, I'd be a little concerned. I'm also a little concerned about the 'he has to have someone in his life' part.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> I would just make your moving the cutoff point. Any further action means no go. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? I would read it as soon as possible. Good guideline on how a healthy relationship should go. Share important parts with him. If he thinks it's BS, I'd be a little concerned. I'm also a little concerned about the 'he has to have someone in his life' part.


I've never heard him actually say that, I just kind of deducted that. It doesn't make me concerned about his feelings for me, but perhaps that he'd seek this out if we were to hit a rough patch. Is this what you mean? Though I don't like to make assumptions about someone's future actions. If he ever were to cheat on me now, physical or texting/emotional, I'd be gone. If I struggle with this now, I'd definitely not be able to move past cheating now. And that somehow shows that I categorize it differently. At least in someways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah. I bring that up because, if YOU are feeling he cannot bear to be alone, you will then become afraid to piss him off, lest he run to someone else. It's actually a pretty important thing in a relationship. More importantly, you need to be able to walk away if you're not getting what you need out of the relationship - thus the advice to read HNHN, so you'll know what you need. You having to uproot to be with him puts you at a mental disadvantage, so I want you to be aware that you can and will survive without him.

Do you feel you two are 100% honest with each other?


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Yeah. I bring that up because, if YOU are feeling he cannot bear to be alone, you will then become afraid to piss him off, lest he run to someone else. It's actually a pretty important thing in a relationship. More importantly, you need to be able to walk away if you're not getting what you need out of the relationship - thus the advice to read HNHN, so you'll know what you need. You having to uproot to be with him puts you at a mental disadvantage, so I want you to be aware that you can and will survive without him.
> 
> Do you feel you two are 100% honest with each other?


I will get that book, thank you. As far as I know we are, but I felt we were then too so I have that lingering thought. He never changed his phone passcode, he oftentimes leaves his phone unattended, we socialize together in groups, he comes home right after work. It would seem all is well. But I thought that then too? I was truly shocked he could juggle me and them even long distance. But we are now physically together, I feel it would be extremely difficult for him to hide this and lie. It's definitely been an eye opener about how easily to trust someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When you discovered all those things what was his reaction to you? Did he seem like it was just not that big of a deal, or was he cut to the heart about it?

The hard thing with you discovering it, over them just coming clean is it sits in the back of your mind... "Would he have ever stopped if I hadn't caught him? Has he given his favorites of those women his new number? Are they emailing under and email I don't know about? Are they using a texting app to sext instead now? Did he set up a alternate FB account?" On and on it goes.

Or at least that is how it would be for me. Therein lies just some of the long term effects of cheating. Trust once shattered is hard to rebuild strongly again, but it can be done.

You know your boyfriend, so you will have the best read on this hopefully. I hope it is behind you both, and that you find the happiness that I'm sure you deserve.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sounds to me like a classic 'player'.

he's juggling several women at a time and keeping them on strings.

now it's possible that they think he's single and they're like him. just along for the ride.
but he kept it from you didn't he? 

my instinct tells me that he led these women on, just like he did you. and will continue to do so as long as he can get away with it, and then some.

that i think is a big problem with players. it's very addicting. I know a couple of players that did get married and were able to break from their old ways.
but i think the odds are way against it. i think the chances of a player becoming a one woman man are way too high to take a chance.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Regardless of the past, here's what I recommend you do about the future. Read up on relationships and boundaries. Find examples of good solid techniques for making your relationship safe. Get - in your mind - clear on what a strong, committed relationship is, looks like, feels like, and behaves like.

Then start a dialog with him on this and find out where you agree and disagree. Don't lead him on - let him tell you about the things that are done to protect a relationship. Let him tell you his boundaries.

The reason I suggest this is it seems pretty clear to me that you two are NOT on the same page on this topic.

He also seems to have much looser boundaries than you. If true, this is your biggest relationship risk.

He routinely sexted multiple women while pursuing you. You would not have done the same. See the difference?

What happens after the newness wears off? Is it ok if he flirts just a little? If he gets a sext, is it ok if he sends a wink emoji or a d pic back just out of courtesy? Is it really that bad?

Hopefully that last paragraph scares you, and if so this is what you need to find out.

Personally, all the people I know who behave like your BF have a much more "relaxed" view of relationships than I do. And I would never enter into a LTR with someone like that and would think of ending it if I found myself there - because I see it as a huge mismatch.

So I'm saying you probably believe he was cheating and know he doesn't think so. So you're questioning yourself and want to be "fair". Well, young lady, it's no good to equivocate when it comes to your values and your core beliefs (dad lecture over  ). Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This can get kind of touchy feely. Things that he didn't feel were important he wouldn't bring up even though it is to you. That's why if you're planning to move or change your life permanently you should have a very detailed discussion about that with him. He could possibly could have not brought those things up since you would be less likely to make them an issue if you have gone through the effort of moving there. 

I had a friend go through the same thing. She was so intent and excited to change her life moving across country to live with some guy that when she got down there the guy was pissed that she was being so "serious". He claimed that they had never discussed her moving in. 

You're guy could have thought that since you never discussed thoroughly and in detail any other relationships or friendships he had or that you had or have, it wasn't a big deal (even though it's a bull**** excuse to see other women while he was in an exclusive relationship with you). He may also not be ready to settle down...who knows.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@HurtWithHope Welcome to TAM. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Several things:-

1) He lied to you.

2) You now are aware that he has lied to you and, therefore, could lie to you in the future.

3) Could you stay committed to a liar?

Oh, yes. Please get checked out for STDs.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Anything that happened *AFTER he agreed you were an exclusive couple is cheating*.


Yes, I agree with this. Dishonesty equals cheating.
......................................................................................................................
I am an avid fisherman. 

When going fishing I have up to four poles in the water at all times.

Why? Call it being very competitive, call it being selfish....I don't want to lose one fish, to miss catching one fish; missing a fish because I am using the wrong approach.

My goal is to get the best, biggest, hardest to catch fish, hence the four poles with four different rigs and bait.

.......................................................................................................................

I see his fishing secret very readily. Sum B!tch. He was making a science and sport out of dating. Guys and Gals and society [morality] make this so easy and so common place.

Problem: Women are not fish. When they bite the worm, there better not be any other [teeth marks] on the damn thing!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, I agree with this. Dishonesty equals cheating.
> ......................................................................................................................
> I am an avid fisherman.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I see this from a different angle.

I don't need a self help book to tell me what's right and what's wrong or whether I'm being disrespected and betrayed or not. Obviously you already KNOW you've been disrespected and betrayed or you wouldn't be writing about this a year later because it still doesn't sit right with you.

And it *shouldn't* sit right with you.

You were the one making all the huge sacrifices and all the life-changing decisions to pick up your life and move to where he lived based on your belief that he was an honest man of character and integrity, not some dirt bag sexting women and keeping all his opportunities right at his fingertips while lying to you every SINGLE day and making you believe you were the only one in his life. And his completely lame excuse for his low down behavior - that he wasn't sure you'd actually move out - is laughable.

He's shown you EXACTLY who he is. If I were you, I'd believe him.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Words are cheap and easily dispensed. After the "exclusive" declaration why were you still hesitant on moving? Because it is a life altering decision and you weren't 100% convinced? So you continued on in your same behavioral pattern even after the declaration, as did he. However, when the event actually occurred and you moved, in fact a month prior if I recall correctly, he ended all communication voluntarily. So when words were exchanged nothing much changed but when the event occurred he went all in. That sounds reasonable. His "exclusive" comment may have been, in his mind, relating to physical intimacy when in your mind it meant across the board.

In any event, he seems dedicated, loyal and totally transparent to you now. If there was miscommunication or ambiguity in the beginning does that constitute purposeful deceit? I do not know the nuances of the relationship well enough to give an accurate assessment so you will have to make that determination. It would seem to me however that when the reality occurred he stepped up and proved his intent.


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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

I just want everyone who has responded to this thread to know that I have read every single one and taken it to heart!! It is a relief to hear other peoples' perspectives after all this time.


Spicy said:


> When you discovered all those things what was his reaction to you? Did he seem like it was just not that big of a deal, or was he cut to the heart about it?
> 
> The hard thing with you discovering it, over them just coming clean is it sits in the back of your mind... "Would he have ever stopped if I hadn't caught him? Has he given his favorites of those women his new number? Are they emailing under and email I don't know about? Are they using a texting app to sext instead now? Did he set up a alternate FB account?" On and on it goes.
> 
> ...


He was shocked and denied it at first you could tell he was panicked. Then he kind of blamed me with the whole doubt spiel about me being hesitant to move. Then he came clean and was super emotional about losing me. He seemed really mad and embarrassed. Told me he had gotten so used to the single lifestyle. He is older. His were trusted "friends" that he could go to to listen to him about life, and give some sexual thrills. Helped being alone better. And again, only one was local.

And YEP it did cross my mind of what if he was just busy that month leading up to me moving up there? And that's why contact stopped. What if he would have occasionally continued if I hadn't caught him? This sounds a little crazy but... I'm almost kind of mad at myself that I found this so soon after moving in. If I had found it even a couple months later and seen there was no contact that whole time, it would have given me more assurance that he chose to end it on his own.


jorgegene said:


> sounds to me like a classic 'player'.
> 
> he's juggling several women at a time and keeping them on strings.
> 
> ...


It really does seem like that described him to a T when he was a teen/20s. And maybe even still now, just with a little more selectiveness. Then why didn't he just want me as another flirty/sexting partner? Or someone to fly out and sleep with him every few months? Why the desperation for me to move out here and ruin his player lifestyle? 



NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Words are cheap and easily dispensed. After the "exclusive" declaration why were you still hesitant on moving? Because it is a life altering decision and you weren't 100% convinced? So you continued on in your same behavioral pattern even after the declaration, as did he. However, when the event actually occurred and you moved, in fact a month prior if I recall correctly, he ended all communication voluntarily. So when words were exchanged nothing much changed but when the event occurred he went all in. That sounds reasonable. His "exclusive" comment may have been, in his mind, relating to physical intimacy when in your mind it meant across the board.
> 
> In any event, he seems dedicated, loyal and totally transparent to you now. If there was miscommunication or ambiguity in the beginning does that constitute purposeful deceit? I do not know the nuances of the relationship well enough to give an accurate assessment so you will have to make that determination. It would seem to me however that when the reality occurred he stepped up and proved his intent.


Yeah I've thought that too about the exclusiveness meaning physical... although it was coupled with "you're the only one I'm talking too." But he was so adamant about not "****ing anyone" and did not like that I referred to it as cheating at first... because he felt while this is betrayal, cheating is physical contact. 

As far as my hesitation... I wanted to make sure it was what he really wanted. I wanted to visit him first (the exclusive convo happened before any visits) and really get to know him on a deeper level first. He felt that me moving out there would better help this. I didn't agree! I always made sure he knew i wanted to move there, but didn't want to pick up and leave within a week.
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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You discovered his cheating a year ago, and you've been with him since? Did I read that correctly? 

What has he done in that year to gain your trust back? My thought is nothing, or else you would not have posted here. 

Don't waste your good years on an unworthy person that is clearly not designed for monogamy.


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## Formerlyknownasthefam (Nov 23, 2016)

Maybe he is a player trying to reform. Im married to a reformed player so it can happen. He has played the game for a while though so maybe that's why ge wasn't completely honest with you. I think it does mean a lot that he wanted you to move to be with him.

Have either of you been married before? Have you discussed where the relationship is going? You're living with him, right? It's probably a bit soon for marriage but a non-committed relationship with a former player might lead to heartbreak. I can understand why his lying about the other relationships still bothers you if he is not committed. Even after 11 years of marriage I still have my moments of vulnerability and there was never any cheating involved in our relationship. 

It will take extremely open communication, transparency and willingness on his part to do what it takes to make you feel secure. If he is willing to do that I think you could make it work. But without commitment its just words.
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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

Yeah, while cathartic, I have wondered what exactly my purpose is for addressing this here a year later... I can't go back in time and change what happened or how I reacted, so I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I guess because it's confused me since it happened that I wondered if there were anything I could do about it... or at this point if I choose to stay with him, do I pretty much have to put it behind me? I'm guessing so.

Honestly... the complete shock of when it happened, basically having no clue any of that had been happening, the gray area of all the circumstances, it being a fairly new relationship, and me having JUST moved across the country to be with him.... it all influenced my reaction. I mean... if I had found this on just a visit to him before moving, I would have likely ended things... why pursue further? I had just left everything behind to be with him and not only would it have been extremely difficult to just move back home, I thought to myself we've come too far and sacrificed so much to be together... I want to invest in this relationship and see where it goes." As far as I can tell, there has not be anything like that going on. 

I think it being a new relationship made me response time and actions different than if I discovered it now in a more established relationship. I mean, i scrolled through ALOT of texts... but I didn't screenshot anything or ever look at them again. I wish I could have gone back and seen how frequently the contact was by looking at all the dates and how they coincided with his communication with me. Did he sext with them while simultaneously sexting me? Did he contact them when I was there visiting? Did the communication lessen significantly after me and him slept together/ said I love you? I really only had the end dates bore into my mind. I don't know if that's crazy, but I wish I could go back and be all private investigator about it. I think the unknown makes me wonder if I would have made a different decision if I had thought of that then.
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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Maybe there's a part of him that wants a 'respectable' traditional relationship.

maybe his natural tendencies are playing around, but deep down he knows that's ultimately
a dead end and brings no real emotional satisfaction. What will he do when he's 60 years old keep chasing grannies? He probabably understands that in the long haul nothing compares to a solid one on one love relationship.

that's where you come in. 

My guess is he's in a tug of war with himself and the player fighting to be a more mature guy
with a longer view of life.


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