# Hurt Has Turned To Anger (In A Good Way) For Me But Now Dreading My Kids Sorrow



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Moving my conversation onto the next level now from two major ones while Coping with Infidelity.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/407514-next-step-my-journey-contd-private-thread.html

Divorce papers have been filed, both of us have retained Lawyers and it should be another week or 2 weeks and we will start with our first court item, the initial friend of the court hearing.

I think it's because I grieved the marriage and fought like Hell to save it for the prior 7 months that I am now coming to peace with that aspect and just wanting to move on as quickly as possible so I don't have to see my 'wife' everyday and be reminded with the pain. The cheating and the deception now serve as anger or a fire inside me vs. before it was pain and sadness. My focus never left the kids but now more than ever I'm trying to be with them as much as possible, also for my own healing. It brings out the joy in me to play with them and spend time with them. I always did and I did enjoy it but it was also a sense of duty as well, like no other choice. Now it's different. My wife has been a good mom but one uncertain about herself. She's one that would rather cut the grass or cook or do fix it stuff than be with the kids directly but in the marriage this worked out awesome for them and the house because we shared and owned our roles.

Now as it come to custody, I am going for Primary because I feel the best interests will be served that way and for me to make sure she has a reasonable amount of time to spend with them as well. Even though the courts are likely to rule 50/50, I am doing what I think is best for the kids in the long run. Especially with the decisions that my wife has made after the past year. She was detached not only from me, but from them for a good period during that year as she was only focused on her lover. Now with the lover at least temporarily working on things with his wife, she has started to re-engage with the kids a lot more and is trying to be 'mother of the year' as someone told me. 

It's going to be a long 6 months if we have to go the duration of the waiting period but I'm working on myself and trying to be the best father and leader to my kids and be cordial and business like to my roomate. She goes in and out of being cold and mean to be somewhat nice but I'm trying to be even keeled. 

As I have said, the things that used to bring me pain and sorrow have brought me fire and a focus to make sure I keep moving on. The part I totally dread now is when we have to tell the kids. They are great kids but very sensitive and hate it even when we are separate for a day or so. This is my new pain. I have dedicated my last few IC sessions to talking about what's best for them, how to tell them and how to get them moving in the right direction. My 6 year old daughter is just like her mother in so many ways. Emotional, will switch moods on a dime and is very needy for attention. It dawned on my last night when I was trying to calm her down about something, it was no wonder my wife felt like she didn't get the love she deserved, there was 2 of the same people under one roof and they have the same requirements. Problem is, only one can't help it for now, the other should be able to work with that issue and get help for it. Instead, my wife like she has done her whole life has pushed the problem off and the people that disagree and found those that would validate and make her feel good with her decisions.

I'll be posting her more most likely as I head through this phase of the journey and out of the coping with infidelity. As emotionally attached and committed as she was to her 'lover' I fully believe that since that just broke down a few weeks ago, she still has hope that he will come back around and choose her in the future but in the meantime, she has seemed to have found a new person to attach onto, a guy that she was using to pass messages between her and the lover when the wife first found out, a friend of his and now hers. She works in a job where she can get her fill of confidence that she couldn't fulfill on her own. The constant validation from men out in the construction sites that tell her how beautiful she is and hit on her. 

17 years of dedicating my life to one person and gone in an instant as it seems. Maybe one day she will realize what true love was, it was right next to her. I tried but it just never land the way 'she needed' as she says. I will always have the sadness of what was lost and what could have been but I have two little buddies (10 year old son, 6 year old daughter) that need me now more than ever and that along with the anger of thinking of the messages they sent to one another over the past 7 months give me the drive to push on!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Like you my main focus was always the children.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when the kids are older and they ask why did you and mommy divorce...what are you going to tell them?


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> when the kids are older and they ask why did you and mommy divorce...what are you going to tell them?


By then I would feel it would be appropriate to tell them the whole truth but they may find out by then. As for now. I have been getting good advice on what to tell them after the news and how to handle it but how to even begin the conversation breaks my heart ....


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I'm reading through your old thread.

I'm sad for you, but you were warned.

What's going to be different moving forward?


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> I'm reading through your old thread.
> 
> I'm sad for you, but you were warned.
> 
> What's going to be different moving forward?


Moving forward with the divorce and that in general or moving forward eventually with someone else in the future?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

A lot of today's kids as so messed up now, partly because, parents like the OP, that all they do is hover around their kids, trying to protect them from anything, be it as insignificant as they might be.

This type of parents are so afraid to even tell their kids how they were born. Everything is a hash of the truth, so that dear, dear, "precious" never experience reality. 

Most of today's kids never seen death, never seen a body. They never lose, they all are winners. Regardless of behavior at school, they all have to go to the field trip. If dear Jonny, or Susie are misbehaving at school they still must be allowed to go, because God forgive, mommy and daddy would have such a fit, that they would involve lawyers, because, how dare the school not to allow their "precious" to be left out of the trip. God forgive, if you even dare to glance at their kids if they are being annoying brats at the store; How dare you!!

These kids grow up with such a deformed sense of reality that a lot of them can't cop, once they are on they own, and harsh reality hit them in the face. We see it all the time now, so sad.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> A lot of today's kids as so messed up now, partly because, parents like the OP, that all they do is hover around their kids, trying to protect them from anything, be it as insignificant as they might be.
> 
> This type of parents are so afraid to even tell their kids how they were born. Everything is a hash of the truth, so that dear, dear, "precious" never experience reality.
> 
> ...


Sorry dude, I will protect my kids from the cold reality of divorce and that goes with it as much as possible but other than that my kids know reality and know how to lose and work hard. They have 10,000,000 more things than I had but that's because we can afford it but I'm still passing down the value of work, consequences and perseverance to them as best as I can. Honestly though, I have done many things to make sure they don't go through a lot of the things I went through as a kid. I had two great parents but we were poor. I grew up in one of the 10 most dangerous neighborhoods in America according to the FBI. Our house when we were forced to move from it from the bank was sold for a whopping 8K! I now realize I had the best of both worlds in terms of being successful in business and as a father but obviously had some issues in the marriage realm. We were dirt poor but we had two loving parents so we learned how to work our asses off to get ahead to never ever have to live like we did as kids. Our parents would have given us the world if they could have but they couldn't. I remember going to stores and my dad telling me and my brother not to touch anything because if we broke it we couldn't buy it.

My kids most likely wont have to run from gangs, be approached to sell drugs on a weekly basis, have a gun pulled on them or see your dad take his 44 magnum from under his pillow weekly to see who was trying to break in and I don't want them to but I try to instill in them the lessons I learned about hard work, doing the right thing not because you want something in return and learning how to win through failing first. I had an older brother that NEVER let me win at anything and beat me into the ground in any sport but once I finally caught up and started to beat him for the first times, the reward and feeling of that was so fulfilling.

From how I handled this marriage, you may think I followed a pattern with my kids but trust me, I'll stop you there. My kids are learning compassion and consequence, ironically something my wife never did.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that you are incapable of "getting it" you just don't. It could be your genetic's lottery.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Rob_1 said:


> I think that you are incapable of "getting it" you just don't. It could be your genetic's lottery.


Lol I think we'll just agree to disagree on that one!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to Marriage Builders website and look up how to expose cheating to your children. I have little hope that you will follow the advice. It wasn’t bad you would not follow the advice to save your marriage since divorcing a cheater is actually the best thing to do in most cases. However, hiding (lying about) the affair and divorce is putting you in the position of being a conconspirator in the lies your wife is hiding from her kids. This is very damaging. Your kids will figure out how you lied to them. Trust issues anyone? It’s amazing how you manage to manipulate information and get everything bass ackwards. 

I have to assume you have always done this to your wife.Now I
am considering you have done this to her the whole marriage.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, as much as you would like to, you can't protect your kids from everything. You can really only protect them from your self. I get that you don't want your kids to be selling drugs and dealing with gangs but those things have nothing to do with your divorce. The fact is you are getting divorced. You don't have to tell them why, other than things just aren't working out. As they get older they may wonder more and then you will the choice to tell them or not. But kids are a lot more resilient than you imagine (use your self for an example if you need convinced) and can handle a lot more than most parents will allow them to experience. Which as Rob_1 has explained is very sad, because experience is what makes us who we are, not all of the things we are protected from. You children will better off being exposed to reality than being protected from it.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Oftentimes, the first step towards emotional maturity is realizing how much our own emotions misinform us on the correct action and path to take.

A good rule of thumb is the more fear you feel about a given situation, the more likely that step is the right one.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> when the kids are older and they ask why did you and mommy divorce...what are you going to tell them?


OP, both of your children are old enough NOW to understand that "Mommy has a boyfriend", don't hide the truth from them.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell them their Mom wanted to be with someone else besides daddy. You don't have to give them the gritty details. It's actually a good thing, one of the reasons I would never cheat is because I remember the pain my fathers cheating caused all of us. At the time I didn't know he was cheating, but I knew he left us. That was a hard but important lesson. Leaving your family will cause them terrible pain. 

When I was about 12 I asked my Mom if he cheated, and she didn't lie. She said, yes. She also said she believed he still loved me and tried to be the best father he was capable of. That was a good way to put it. Again a valuable but painful lesson. Life is not supposed to be free from pain. Pain helps you learn. People who try to shield their kids from appropriate painful situations in life do them no favors. 

The kids grow up to be very depressed people with no friends. Because they never learned how to cope.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I posted this in the CWI Forum but had a good talk with counselor today. I have been dedicating sessions to figuring out the path to getting kids help afterward (with their own counseling) and how to approach the subject of telling them. IC laid out suggestions to a plan that I didn't even think of. It is one that is carried out over time and involves first building up and re-enforcing what is NOT going to change and then once the details of custody are known, bringing in the facts of what IS going to change and it doesn't have to be done in the setting that I pictured where all 4 of us sit in a room and lay it on them and get everything out in the open in one sitting. It's a over time approach that doesn't have to be done with both kids at the same time and can build up to everything they need to know and it doesn't even have to come from both of us telling them at the same time. I can choose my own path but understand that STBXW will probably get angry if it doesn't go the way she wants it to go but to prepare for that and ultimately understand if I'm doing the right thing it doesn't matter much how angry she will get and to involve her as little or much as I want but obviously give her some inclination what will be taking place. But after that my IC said I don't have to tell STBXW every little detail.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> I posted this in the CWI Forum but had a good talk with counselor today. I have been dedicating sessions to figuring out the path to getting kids help afterward (with their own counseling) and how to approach the subject of telling them. IC laid out suggestions to a plan that I didn't even think of. It is one that is carried out over time and involves first building up and re-enforcing what is NOT going to change and then once the details of custody are known, bringing in the facts of what IS going to change and it doesn't have to be done in the setting that I pictured where all 4 of us sit in a room and lay it on them and get everything out in the open in one sitting. It's a over time approach that doesn't have to be done with both kids at the same time and can build up to everything they need to know and it doesn't even have to come from both of us telling them at the same time. I can choose my own path but understand that STBXW will probably get angry if it doesn't go the way she wants it to go but to prepare for that and ultimately understand if I'm doing the right thing it doesn't matter much how angry she will get and to involve her as little or much as I want but obviously give her some inclination what will be taking place. But after that my IC said I don't have to tell STBXW every little detail.


Except your stbx will probably just blurt it out, tell the kids her own creative version, making you at fault, and trash your plan.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

honcho said:


> Except your stbx will probably just blurt it out, tell the kids her own creative version, making you at fault, and trash your plan.


 BINGO! Or even tell them you were the cheater.
You'll have to find this out the hard way too. You can lead a horse to water ...


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> Except your stbx will probably just blurt it out, tell the kids her own creative version, making you at fault, and trash your plan.


That is EXACTLY what will happen.

In your heart, you KNOW it.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> That is EXACTLY what will happen.
> 
> In your heart, you KNOW it.


Honestly, I don't think she will but if she does, then the counselor gave me ways to combat that effectively and both sides of the family know everything so that would help back me up.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> I posted this in the CWI Forum but had a good talk with counselor today. I have been dedicating sessions to figuring out the path to getting kids help afterward (with their own counseling) and how to approach the subject of telling them. IC laid out suggestions to a plan that I didn't even think of. It is one that is carried out over time and involves first building up and re-enforcing what is NOT going to change and then once the details of custody are known, bringing in the facts of what IS going to change and it doesn't have to be done in the setting that I pictured where all 4 of us sit in a room and lay it on them and get everything out in the open in one sitting. It's a over time approach that doesn't have to be done with both kids at the same time and can build up to everything they need to know and it doesn't even have to come from both of us telling them at the same time. I can choose my own path but understand that STBXW will probably get angry if it doesn't go the way she wants it to go but to prepare for that and ultimately understand if I'm doing the right thing it doesn't matter much how angry she will get and to involve her as little or much as I want but obviously give her some inclination what will be taking place. But after that my IC said I don't have to tell STBXW every little detail.


SFFU: 

A simple converstation: "Myself and Mommy are getting divorced. That means that there will be 2 houses and you will live in both. We are getting divorced because Mommy has another man in her life. When me and Mommy got married we both agreed not to have other people in our marriage . Mommy has had another man in our marriage nd still has so now me and Mommy are going our separate ways. This does not mean I don't love you nor your mother (You can swallow your balls on that part)". 

Not really difficult.


----------



## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> BINGO! Or even tell them you were the cheater.
> You'll have to find this out the hard way too. You can lead a horse to water ...


SFFU - They have a point here. Ms. SFFU has been tactically nimble all this time. Don't you think it might be a good idea to get a second opinion on dealing with telling the kids?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> Honestly, I don't think she will but if she does, then the counselor gave me ways to combat that effectively and both sides of the family know everything so that would help back me up.


Her family will protect her. I am all for telling them what will not change (you love them and such), I don't even think you need to do it together, but if you draw it out she will use it to her advantage as she has everything else since you have been posting here. 

You like the plan because it gives you a chance to do what you like to do most, avoid conflict. You need a better counselor one who helps you with your fear of conflict not one who protects you from it. You are going to have a hard life man, you don't want to get it. 

Do you really want to hurt your kids? 

Dude you better learn to fight because from her MO she will be fighting dirty with your kids too. If you don't get ahead of this it will be all about what a terrible husband you were, and possibly what a terrible father.

Life isn't going to get any easier if you just roll over. Might as well make an effort.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Her family will protect her. I am all for telling them what will not change (you love them and such), I don't even think you need to do it together, but if you draw it out she will use it to her advantage as she has everything else since you have been posting here.
> 
> You like the plan because it gives you a chance to do what you like to do most, avoid conflict. You need a better counselor one who helps you with your fear of conflict not one who protects you from it. You are going to have a hard life man, you don't want to get it.
> 
> ...


He's been rolling over the whole time. You could say he's "on a roll"


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Her family will protect her. I am all for telling them what will not change (you love them and such), I don't even think you need to do it together, but if you draw it out she will use it to her advantage as she has everything else since you have been posting here.
> 
> You like the plan because it gives you a chance to do what you like to do most, avoid conflict. You need a better counselor one who helps you with your fear of conflict not one who protects you from it. You are going to have a hard life man, you don't want to get it.
> 
> ...


Counselor has been helping me confront fear, reaction and not doing things based upon what I think others will say and/or feel but in this case, she felt strong with this strategy since we will be in the same home for the next 6 months and nothing is to be gained in telling them anything (soon) when;

- we don't know the details of custody, who's getting the house, etc
- and the kids have no idea what's going on yet and are carrying on with business as usual. I have people looking out for my kids everywhere to monitor changes in behavior, etc like with teachers, coaches, etc.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> Counselor has been helping me confront fear, reaction and not doing things based upon what I think others will say and/or feel but in this case, she felt strong with this strategy since we will be in the same home for the next 6 months and nothing is to be gained in telling them anything (soon) when;
> 
> - we don't know the details of custody, who's getting the house, etc
> - and the kids have no idea what's going on yet and are carrying on with business as usual. I have people looking out for my kids everywhere to monitor changes in behavior, etc like with teachers, coaches, etc.


Since confronting you wife in her constant infidelity and finally catching her with undeniable evidence and I assure her finally admitting she has been cheating on you for almost 8 years straight have to you asked her to just get the hell out of the house? 

Consider telling her if she does get out now you will hold off telling the children.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Since confronting you wife in her constant infidelity and finally catching her with undeniable evidence and I assure her finally admitting she has been cheating on you for almost 8 years straight have to you asked her to just get the hell out of the house?
> 
> Consider telling her if she does get out now you will hold off telling the children.


I was about to respond with why not but i see you are offering an ultimatum that causes a self push.

I was about to say, I said, you need to go if you want to be with him, don't bother coming home. And then I met with my lawyer and she told me I can't do a damn thing about it unless she's physically attacking me or the kids and once she lawyered up and we got everything written in our orders (regarding bills, where we will be living, not drinking, etc) then it made it even harder.

At this point since the process is going to take so long, I'm hoping my will to just suck it up will eventually just wear her down to where she will just want to jet and can't take it any more. She already cannot be nice for more than 2 days at a time, even what a month or 2 of me ignoring her for the most part will do. Going for a TKO via this route while still moving forward with our hearings and stuff with the divorce if I have to get what I want legally. Time will tell.


----------



## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

stillfightingforus said:


> I was about to respond with why not but i see you are offering an ultimatum that causes a self push.
> 
> I was about to say, I said, you need to go if you want to be with him, don't bother coming home. And then I met with my lawyer and she told me I can't do a damn thing about it unless she's physically attacking me or the kids and once she lawyered up and we got everything written in our orders (regarding bills, where we will be living, not drinking, etc) then it made it even harder.
> 
> At this point since the process is going to take so long, I'm hoping my will to just suck it up will eventually just wear her down to where she will just want to jet and can't take it any more. She already cannot be nice for more than 2 days at a time, even what a month or 2 of me ignoring her for the most part will do. Going for a TKO via this route while still moving forward with our hearings and stuff with the divorce if I have to get what I want legally. Time will tell.


OK. I understand your quandary. But just make sure you stop going to mass with her. Tongues will wag. Optics matter!


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

stillfightingforus said:


> I was about to respond with why not but i see you are offering an ultimatum that causes a self push.
> 
> I was about to say, I said, you need to go if you want to be with him, don't bother coming home. And then I met with my lawyer and she told me I can't do a damn thing about it unless she's physically attacking me or the kids and once she lawyered up and we got everything written in our orders (regarding bills, where we will be living, not drinking, etc) then it made it even harder.
> 
> At this point since the process is going to take so long, *I'm hoping my will to just suck it up will eventually just wear her down to where she will just want to jet and can't take it any more.* She already cannot be nice for more than 2 days at a time, even what a month or 2 of me ignoring her for the most part will do. Going for a TKO via this route while still moving forward with our hearings and stuff with the divorce if I have to get what I want legally. Time will tell.


Yeah, I'm sure that feather weight of pressure you're putting on her is more than she can bear. /sarc


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > I was about to respond with why not but i see you are offering an ultimatum that causes a self push.
> ...


Lol! She is near losing it on a daily basis. Not that she feels remorse or is any less wanting to kick me to the curb but the fact I am no longer under her orders and am doing what I want without consultation and not caring about what she thinks or feels drives her nuts. She is trying to bite her tongue but eventually her ridiculous rational and thoughts come out and I just either laugh or stare at her and say nothing like she's crazy. She appreciates that a lot (sarc)


----------



## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Archangel2 said:


> OK. I understand your quandary. But just make sure you stop going to mass with her. Tongues will wag. Optics matter!


SFFU - Please tell me you did not go to the same mass with her last Sunday!


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Standing next to her during religious worship is endorsement of the affair.


----------

