# Not even 2 years and were falling apart



## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

So from my previous post, my marriage is falling apart and not even at the 2 year mark, he has finally agreed with me that we do indeed need to go see a MC.. I just never thought our fights were ever going to ger this bad. 

We fight about absolutely nothing when we fight, and it snowballs very fast. 

Is this normal? Why do people fight about nothing? (I know they are external factors, money, family?) but what if none of those apply? I feel sometimes that we fight because we are being too sensitive over eachothers moods and tones thats we speak towards eachother with, im not sure if this makes any sense but I dont know how else to better describe it. 

Please share your stories and your advice.


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

I don't know if it is 'normal' for everyone. But it is normal for me. I swear, we can fight for an hour over broccoli. We used to fight even more, until we started trying to recognize if we were hungry, angry, looney, or tired (Some 'H.A.L.T.' method of dealing with arguments that I learned about in a sociology class) when we start picking a fight. I found that I often would start fights when I was just tired and wanted to be left alone. He picks fights when he was hungry.

I think often people fight about stupid stuff when they are really mad about something else - either with that person, or something else entirely. I know I have been guilty of fighting with my husband because I'm upset with something else, and know he will love me even if I'm mean and completely unreasonable. Might not be healthy, but at lease I'm aware of it. 

I personally think it is a good sign that you two are fighting. It means you both still care about each other. When you don't care, you don't even bother fighting anymore. 

You two loved each other enough to get married, and it sounds like you both love each other enough to work through this problem. I recommend trying to find something fun you enjoy doing together - you two probably won't fight while doing something that makes you happy. If marriage counseling doesn't help, try taking a vacation together, and remembering why you fell in love in the first place.


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## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

That was bautifully said. Thank you so much for that  It does help to hear from other people living through the same thing or even from people on the outside looking in.


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## SimonLLL (Jan 29, 2012)

Question, k-ci - 

How long were you together before you were married?

'Coz it sounds like you might be arguing over things that annoy you that maybe weren't apparent during your courtship.

As lady1 says, there might also be underlying reasons and the arguments are letting off steam about something that one or both of you aren't confronting.

Find out what it is that makes you happy and drive for that. Do the same with him. 

My wife asked me that question today, funnily enough. "What makes you really happy?". When I told her my answer I expected recriminations that it wasn't immediately about her, but I realised how well she 'gets' me when she smiled and said, "That's great. I feel the same way about us." We know, even better now what our drivers are, so we can enable those in each other. When we're both at 100%, so is the marriage.


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## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

We hadent been together for very long before marrying but I still would never go back, he is unlike any other man I have ever met. I respect the person that he is, he is very genuine. Maybe it is external factors that are affecting our relationship, whatever it is I hope its gets better and that WE BOTH can get better at controlling it or even recognizing it.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

A couple of years ago I did a lot of reading about love. The mental, brain chemical process of love. I can't remember the details, but in a nutshell....

when you first meet and feel an attraction to someone and fall in love, your brain produces all these feel good chemicals. You feel euphoric. The person you love can do no wrong. You love everything about them. The way they walk, talk, breathe, and brush their teeth. You can't imagine feeling any other way about them. You can't imagine that anyone else has felt this level of love.

This last an average of 2 years. 

Then....the euphoria starts wearing off.

This is when the real work starts. It was easy when your SO could do no wrong, but now, every little thing they do gets on your nerves, and you start seeing flaws that never bothered you before.

This is where the love is put to the test. It needs to change and evolve and grow past that chemical attraction stage into something deeper. And more mature.

In my own case, this is where I failed. When the euphoria wore off, I was completely lost and confused and dissatisfied. I wasn't mature enough and didn't have the knowledge that we could still be good and have a good marriage. I had an affair.

I wish I had known then what I know now.


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## colotnk (Feb 3, 2012)

If you don't have any major issues and fight all the time, it could be an indication that you have communication problem. In your case, it might be how to fight fairly. 

Fighting over nothing is definitely not normal for me. Although I didn't, and still don't to a certain extent, communicate as well as I wish with my husband, we don't fight 'over nothing'. I used to have a problem 'stonewalling' when there was an argument. I went to IC to work on that. Besides addressing my conflict adverse personality, the MC recommended the 'Fighting for Your Marriage' book. My husband and I both found the section about 'Talking Safely without Fighting' particularly helpful, even to these days. This article on the web also helps How to Fight Fair

Good luck to you!


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