# My Wife, and I are not doing well.



## Brown and blue (Dec 21, 2009)

Hi Everyone,

I am forty years old, and have been married for ten years. I also have two son's (ages 6 & 8). I love my wife, and children more then anything in the world. I worked in my family business for sixteen years, before my uncle/stepfather thought it would be a good idea to bring his son in law on board. That's right folks my Dad,s younger brother married my mom. I started the business with my uncle two years before he re-met & married my mom. long story short-during these years practically all members of my family, sisters, brother, & other relatives started droping like flies. I took bringing on this bastards son-in law as the last straw. No one in my family speaks to each other anymore. This bs took a tremendous toll on my psyche. I started my own business three years ago, and now it's doing pretty well. But when this first happened my wife, took it worse then me. She was so angry! I never thought i would meet a person that was more pissed off then me? Her and I, are alot alike. (which probably is not a good thing). Our marriage has been pretty darn good for the first five years. We would "bump heads" on occasion but nothing too serious. But as the Billy Joel, song goes "they started to fight when the money got tight" . Wow, what an understatment. I know thats not our only problem. She also runs her own business. We are always on the go. She thinks if you just keep working you will eventually be done. Not true! There is always more work. I used to be more laid back. Now i'm a freken stress case. For the last year, during our fights she will threaten me with divorce. This would happen only sometimes. Now during any argument she starts with the were divorcing stuff. What the f happened to having a disagreement and not having to worry about your life going to crap. the last thing I want is a divorce. I love my wife, but I really resent these threats so much that now im considering dropping her? I'f I did'nt have my sons, I probably would have already? I give her plenty of attention/affection. She can be cold at times. Very rigid family (unforgiving). Like my family is any better. How can I keep this marriage from falling apart? I have already started counsling. She will not go. She thinks im the problem. wtf. How can I save my son's from going through the same bs I went through? Please help.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

Have you suggested marriage counseling? To me, it almost sounds like their could be more issues on her side that now she's looking for an excuse to leave and the stresses you're going through now are giving her that. KWIM? Try to sit down with her and explain that you love her and want to work things out because you don't like the fighting all the time and see what she does. Try to also mention marriage counseling and see what happens. Good Luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

For you and your sons: The most important thing is self-esteem. Build that, and other things will fall into place. There will always be losses--people we love who, for whatever reason, decide to leave--but with good self-esteem, a loss like that can be a deep sadness but not a crisis. Furthermore, with good self-esteem--and learning how to recognize it in others--one will make better choices about partners in the first place. 

Good self esteem is not arrogance or inattention to the needs and feelings of others; it's a resiliency that allows one to respond to others in a thoughtful, positive way while recognizing there are limits to our own ability to adapt to/with others. Good self-esteem allows you to recognize that others have their own limits, and although you may be sad to realize their limits will exclude you for whatever reason, you honor their right to have those limits and you don't take it personally--you just accept that neither of you can change enough to make it work, and that is ok, because neither of you can compromise beyond your own limits, and the gap between you is still too big. To give a concrete example: suppose you and a partner had very different sex drives. You want 7 times/week; she wants 1 time a week. The compromise of 3-4 times a week is just too much for her, or just not enough for you (or both). You tried but it failed. You agree it isn't working, but you don't blame each other. It's a hard, sad loss, but neither of you feels devastated or hates the other b/c you both know the time you shared was really good, and you don't expect anyone to make YOU happy. So you part, maybe as friends, maybe not, but you do not tear each other apart as things break down. 

Get your sons into counseling and/or start learning about helping kids develop good self-esteem. Good luck!


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

An unfortunate series of events.
Family counselling seems like a necessity here.
Your marriage needs some stability, and so do your sons.
Understanding and grace need to increase at these tough times, and hopefully some good will come out of it.
All the best.


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