# Got a new thing going.....but.....



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

How do you know when its a good thing? 😕 I'm 39, set in life in all ways but the relationship thing. (Series of bad ones, for those who dont know or dont remember me.)

New fella is one of the good ones. Been seeing each other 2 months. Pace is slow and we are both happy with it. Hes attractive to me and we have fun together. Most of the time im feeling it. Sex life is good. 

But sometimes hes kinda boring and says or does things that kinda annoy me. Our conversations lack depth. I asked him this morning what he liked about me and he said that I was independent and not clingy and didnt interfere with his time with his kids. And that I have nice boobs. That was it. Then he asked me what I liked about him.

He really isnt a selfish person at all. Hes a good dad, has a good job, and I actually met the family yesterday. And he is planning on us going to a concert in September. So hes not a selfish person.

But I'm kinda missing feeling "special." There really arent any butterflies. Chemistry isnt really there. Even though attraction is. Mostly anyway. 

Should I give it more time? Am I trying to push myself to figure it out too soon? Ugh.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Simple question. Did the guys that ended up being a series of bad relationships give you butterflies?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes. Which is why I want to continue to give this one a chance. I'm just scared I will end up in a relationship where I'm the one who loses attraction. Or something. I dont know......just worried about it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sounds like you are searching for something you wont ever obtain or that wont ever last. Perhaps through a series of bad relationships, you are hell bent on making sure you wont ever get serious in another one. Even though you tell yourself that is what you want, your thought processes say otherwise. 

A happy long lasting relationship isn't built on passion, butterflies, and feeling special. Those things only work in short term flings. Eventually all that stuff dies off and you are left with the person you are either compatible with or not. Or you are left seeking out those same feelings all over again with someone new. Until they ware off, then you are back where you started. 

Instead, focus on what the end goal is, not the initial feelings. Companionship love. Becoming one with another. Building a life together and growing closer and closer together with each passing year. All of which outshines any short term passionate fling you could ever imagine.

Is this the type of man you can build a life with? That is the question. If all you want is that special feeling, all of your relationships will be doomed to fail right from the start.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Well of course I have thought of that. And yes, I want to avoid it. Maybe I'm just meant to be single. I do enjoy being single very much and have gotten comfortable with it. I've dated some, but haven't been in a relationship in coming up on 2 years.

But I do like this fella. And yes, I feel like he could be relationship potential. Maybe old habits die hard. I'm trying here. Sincerely trying to better myself and get things right for once.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

There is no such thing as meant to be single. That is a choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm in complete agreement with Dude's assessment. Take it from me, the poster child for codependency. I had "butterflies" with both of my husbands. They were quite romantic ... before we got married. In hindsight, it was my level of codie-ism being satisfied by two men who weren't any damn good for me. Yeah, it was hot, horny, and feeling "in love" for awhile. Invariably, those feelings died. But they not only died, they were replaced with the realization I'd picked two abusive men. 

So your Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream may not be sweeping you off your feet with declarations of undying love, but if he's being himself that ain't half bad.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You joined long ago. Have you had similar problems or do you miss excitement in this good relationship? I'm not familiar with past posts.

Try telling him what you need more of. Don't expect him to read your mind.

Don't keep him hanging if you know this is not gonna work.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'm in complete agreement with Dude's assessment. Take it from me, the poster child for codependency. I had "butterflies" with both of my husbands. They were quite romantic ... before we got married. In hindsight, it was my level of codie-ism being satisfied by two men who weren't any damn good for me. Yeah, it was hot, horny, and feeling "in love" for awhile. Invariably, those feelings died. But they not only died, they were replaced with the realization I'd picked two abusive men.
> 
> So your Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream may not be sweeping you off your feet with declarations of undying love, but if he's being himself that ain't half bad.


Bingo. Also, Ain't half bad? That is literally all you need from someone to find out if they are a good fit for you, and you for them. Be honest, and be yourself. The attraction is already there for OP, she says the sex life is good. Double check. If he's a good fit, move forward with the relationship OP. There is nothing to be nervous about. 

Just rememeber that limerence love, that butterfly in your stomach, feeling of being special, all of that. Its a shallow kind of love. There's nothing at all deep about it. Those shallow puddles dry up fast. Marriage is about the two of you digging out that pond, until it becomes a lake, then an ocean. Together, creating a deep true love that lasts a lifetime.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> But sometimes hes kinda boring and says or does things that kinda annoy me. Our conversations lack depth. I asked him this morning what he liked about me and he said that I was independent and not clingy and didnt interfere with his time with his kids. And that I have nice boobs.


Explain, GA, why this is GOOD ENOUGH.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

GA HEART said:


> Maybe I'm just meant to be single.


Maybe you are just meant to be ALONE LONG ENOUGH so that you learn to love yourself enough so that the next time you meet a man, you'll love yourself enough to walk away as soon as he doesn't put you first.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

turnera said:


> Maybe you are just meant to be ALONE LONG ENOUGH so that you learn to love yourself enough so that the next time you meet a man, you'll love yourself enough to walk away as soon as he doesn't put you first.


She should probably not date a man with kids already then if that is your advice. Also, nobody should always put their partner first 100% of the time. So if you follow that advice OP, I hope you have good walking shoes for all the walking away from relationships you will be doing.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

turnera said:


> > But sometimes hes kinda boring and says or does things that kinda annoy me. Our conversations lack depth. I asked him this morning what he liked about me and he said that I was independent and not clingy and didnt interfere with his time with his kids. And that I have nice boobs.
> 
> 
> Explain, GA, why this is GOOD ENOUGH.


Because I want emotionally healthy. I guess I'm still struggling to recognize it. Everyone says to "not settle," but no one is perfect and I know this.

My biggest concern at this point is ultimately hurting a potentially good man. But i also don't want to miss out on something potentially wonderful because of that fear. I'm notsure how much more self esteem work I can do. I feel fairly confident that I'm in a good place there. I'm pretty self aware. 

I guess the answer is I just need to quit overthinking things and give it more time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can be with an emotionally healthy, normal guy who you have interesting, in depth conversations with that enhance your life. No need to settle for surface!

As far as what he says he likes about you, essentially he said he likes the SPACE you give him.... Plus, your boobs. 

Things don't need to be all butterflies, but you should be with someone who lights your fire in some ways. Intellectually, socially/recreationally (things you do and try together, adding fun to each other's lives). Someone who values your personality traits and what you ADD to his life.

Don't


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Ok, I have a very limited amount of experience in this. I met my husband when I was 17 and had only really casually dated a couple of other guys as a teenager. My husband was my first real sexual experience and we got married very young (19 & 20). We didn’t even live together before our wedding day. 

So basically, I’m probably not qualified to give anyone advice about anything when it comes to dating. 

BUT.... We’ve been married now for 15 years and have 3 kids. We don’t have that super exciting new butterfly feeling all the time (I did early one though) but I’m never bored with him. I’m always happy to see him and excited to be alone with him. We love to be together and we laugh and tease each other all the time. I still get that “mushy” feeling when I see a love note from him or he surprises me with something. When I worked at a bank, my coworkers would say that I always “lit up” when he walked in. 

I don’t think you should settle. I feel like that you’ve already made your decision since you’re here posting about it. Imagine him calling you tomorrow and telling you it’s over...are you devastated or relieved?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m not married (yet) so maybe I shouldn’t be offering advice but I get where you’re coming from. 
Nobody wants to “settle”.
My best friend told me once that she would only get married if she found someone who looked at her the same way that my girlfriend looks at me. 
And vice versa.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If there is no chemistry and you are already having doubts, I would say that its not gong to work long term.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

can someone give me the official definition of "chemistry" and "emotionally healthy" really means? because to me, as a male, it seems like a moving target.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've always picked unsuitable guys and your relationships have had lots of highs and lows and uncertainty. It's possible you're addicted to that kind of drama so you find "normal" to be boring. OTOH, it's possible that this guy might not do it for you long term. That's always the risk in relationships. What works today might not work down the road. Take your time.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I vote for giving it just a little more time. Isn't your MO usually "bad boys"? Not judging, I was the same way. I know how bad boys make me feel and it's super exciting and lusty. But they're not good for me and they're pricks.

If I'm completely off base, I apologize.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Yes, my MO has been men that were not good for me or to me. Not necessarily "bad boys," as all of them were responsible and had and kept jobs, paid for their obligations, etc. But all basically didnt really love me or were abusive asshats. And trust me, I am quite good at carrying my own emotional burden at this point. But sometimes I feel like it would be cool to have a partner that gives a crap.

I am not clingy or needy, which apparently this fella likes. I dont want needy or clingy either. Hes out of town for a trip right now and I jokingly texted "i miss yer face already! :wink2: " and he replied back that he would send me a selfie later and that he missed my boobs. Just typing that back gives me the grumps about it. I answered " :| And?? That's it?  " And haven't heard anything back yet. Maybe hes just out for Vag and a good time. 

I'm almost ready to go back to being happy and single. Haha.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

x598 said:


> can someone give me the official definition of "chemistry" and "emotionally healthy" really means? because to me, as a male, it seems like a moving target.


Its hard to say exactly, but in my case I just knew it. Its like a sort of knowing that this is a good man who I am physically and emotionally attracted to. As if you have known this person for ages and not just one or two evenings. Something 'clicks'. 
Not quite sure what emotionally healthy is exactly, but for me a man who isn't fixated on an ex, who is at peace, no serious hang ups, no obsessions, no bitterness and rage, is mature etc. 

I have no issues with baggage as such, we both had been though lots of bad things including long first marriages and divorces, but we also both wanted to go forward and were keen for a fresh start together.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> You've always picked unsuitable guys and your relationships have had lots of highs and lows and uncertainty. It's possible you're addicted to that kind of drama so you find "normal" to be boring. OTOH, it's possible that this guy might not do it for you long term. That's always the risk in relationships. What works today might not work down the road. Take your time.


And this is my whole conundrum. Am I being ridiculous simply because I don't recognize healthy? Or is it a legit compatibility issue. 

I have dated a few people over the past 10 months or so. Several were very into me, but I just wasn't feeling it. I've been accused of finding something wrong with everyone. Yes, when I said earlier that I was "meant to be single," I know its a choice. Maybe I'm making that choice. I have a hard time trusting myself. I value myself and DO NOT WANT another failed relationship. I would much rather, MUCH RATHER, stay single than go through the pain of another split again from someone I love.

But I do desire a partner. Not in a driving, this is all that will make me happy kinda way at all. Just someone who is a cool friend to hang with, vent to, have meaningful conversations, and have sex with. And be that for them. I know butterflies and romance and all that stuff doesn't last. I was married for 12 years. But it's almost not worth the hassle to me anymore to try. And by try, I mean be open to. I don't really actively pursue much anyway. This most recent one found me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Maybe this guy just isn't a good match for you. If a guy kept telling me he liked my boobs, I'd grow weary of that pretty fast. Could be he's superficial. Could be he just likes getting laid. Could be he's a diehard boob man. At this point, perhaps you should trust your instincts. He may be a keeper for someone else, but not for you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Don't be too hard on him about the Tits comment. 

My GF is the most wonderful woman I have ever know, she has tons of great qualities. She is sexy, beautiful, affectionate, loving, thoughtful, and a hundred other things. 

But her Tits are at least in the top, 3-5 of that list. They are perfect, and she is 60 freaking years old. 

I mean, that has to be some kind of miracle in my opinion...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

* @LeananSidhe I don’t think you should settle. I feel like that you’ve already made your decision since you’re here posting about it. Imagine him calling you tomorrow and telling you it’s over...are you devastated or relieved? *

Good question...

What do you want most from him? Is he capable of that? What does he want most from you? Are you capable of living like that?


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