# Feeling alone, not "allowed" to talk to anyone...



## alilbitkismet (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't even know where to start with what my problem is, it's such a long and convoluted tale. I guess I'll just talk about what's going on right now.

My husband came home from work 2 days ago in a terrible mood. He wouldn't speak more than a few, one-syllable words to me at a time. He would smile and be nice to the kids, but could barely even look at me. This has happened before; he seems to have sort of a cyclical depression and on his "downer" episodes, he shuts me out and won't speak to me.

I tried to ask him what was wrong, and he wouldn't talk to me. He shrugged me off and still refused to speak. I know I should just leave it alone when he gets like this, and my biggest reason is selfish: I am alone all day with our two children, and when he finally gets home I'm excited for our interactions. Because they're adult. And no matter how much I love my children, there's nothing like a little adult conversation at the end of the day, even if it's only about something mundane like the weather.

In the past, I've called up a family member or friend just to vent about my feelings, how frustrating it is to live with someone who won't even speak to you. He is also very short-tempered and angry when he gets in one of his moods, so on top of not being spoken to, small things can make him incredibly angry (such as this morning when I woke him up for work THREE TIMES, and on the third he screamed at me for waking him up...even though he only had 15 minutes left to get ready). It's lead to a lot of heartbreak for me; I feel lonely and sad and helpless. I can't make him happy, and in the meantime he's making me miserable.

I've learned from the past that I'm not "allowed" to talk to anyone about our problems. He tells me that when I talk to other people about the issues we're having, I make those people dislike him and have a bad opinion of him. Completely not what I'm trying to do. I just need to talk!! I just want to tell someone how I'm feeling. I can't bottle it up like he obviously does. He thinks everyone in my family hates him now because of "what I've said" about him. Really, the only problem my family has with him is that he refuses to come to family functions, and if he does come he won't speak to anyone. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Here's the big picture: I feel very lonely and frustrated with my husband's moodiness, but I can't confide in anyone because it to him that is tantamount to "badmouthing" him and it causes even more stress and fighting. What am I supposed to do?? I don't like living my life like I'm stepping through a minefield every day, but that's what it feels like.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

OK, here's one thing I can say: I learned in my first marriage, that friends and family will always take your side, even when you're wrong. And even if they don't tell you that, it's the way it is. So, by talking to your friends and family, you are, in a way and obviously unintentionally, turning them against him to a degree, even if no one realizes it. 

But you also need someone to talk to, and it clearly can't/won't be him right now. So, here's my best advice: Come here. 

I never involve my family and friends in what's going on between my boyfriend and I. I don't want any of them involved, not only so they can't take my side, but so that whatever happens between us stays between us and no one else can bring the past up the next time we argue. If they know what we fought about yesterday, then when we have a fight next year, they can use that to try to argue for why I should leave him. And I don't want that. I don't want them not liking him, I don't want them trying to put doubts in my head. I know I love him, I know he's a good guy, and I won't have anyone thinking otherwise. 

So when we have a problem, and I can't talk to him for whatever reason, or I can/have talked to him and I still need someone else...I come here, or to another website like it, and vent to total strangers. Not only will they not automatically take my side, but they have no stake in it. They have no reason to like or not like either him or me, and often will give me the most objective opinion (unless of course, I deliberately skew my story to make things look better for me. lol). Plus, I get a lot more opinions than I would going to my friends or family. And it's relatively anonymous, which means that I can come here and discuss pretty much any problem without feeling ashamed, guilty, scared, embarrassed, whatever.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kismit, it sounds like the two of you are in a toxic relationship that is hurting both of you. One possibility for this occurring is that your H suffers from strong traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder) like my exW. This could explain three behaviors you have seen. The first is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle which you have seen. That cycle is one of the hallmarks of BPD. With a BPDer, a wonderful evening or great weekend usually is followed -- the very next day, if not that same evening -- by an argument he creates out of thin air. Although he does not consciously realize it, he creates the fight in order to get breathing space.

It is the result of a BPDer's twin fears: engulfment and abandonment. Because a BPDer has an unstable fragile self image, any time you draw close in intimacy (real intimacy, not just sex) he will experience engulfment. It is very frightening because he feels like he is being taken over by your strong personality -- like he is evaporating into thin air. He also will feel like you are controlling him. To get breathing room, he will push you away by starting a fight over nothing -- or by freezing you out. 

Yet, as you back off to give him space, you will trigger his greatest fear, abandonment. So, after his tantrum dies down (they typically last about five hours), he may wait a few hours (or days or weeks) and will start reeling you back in by acting extra sweet and loving. Of course, as you draw close, the cycle starts all over again. For 15 years, I kept hunting for the "Goldilocks" position between "too close" and "too far" to avoid triggering both of those fears. I can tell you that, if that safe midpoint position exists at all, it is a knife edge that is continually shifting.

The second behavior that BPD may explain is your H's lack of trust in you when you are speaking with others. Because BPDers fear abandonment and generally cannot trust anyone, they easily become jealous of time a partner spends with his friends and family members. My exW, for example, rarely would visit my family and she hated my foster son. Another reason she tried to isolate me from friends and family was that she was very controlling and she found it easier to control me when I did not have positive input from others who love me. This is a common tactic of BPDers and may explain why your H is so insistent on your not speaking with anyone -- and why he hates to visit your family -- and why he will not speak to them.

A third thing that BPD may explain is your H's anger which is so easily triggered. One hallmark of BPD is tremendous anger carried inside from early childhood, at which time about 70% of BPDers were abused or abandoned (or had an emotionally unavailable parent). When a man suffers from strong BPD traits, that anger is easily triggered by innocent things you say or do. This would explain why you always feel you are "walking in a minefield." Having to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering the anger is another hallmark of BPD traits. Indeed, the best selling BPD book targeted to spouses like you is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." Note that, with BPD, the anger can be triggered in 15 seconds by an event (unlike bipolar disorder which is triggered by very slow changes in body chemistry). This is why the rages or the cold withdrawn silent treatment is said to be "event triggered."

Significantly, even if your H does exhibit these three behaviors -- the push-pull, jealousy, and event-triggered anger -- it does not prove that he has a strong pattern of BPD traits. Such a pattern requires that he have at least five of the nine BPD traits at a strong level. Hence, what I described above may not be applicable at all. Yet, if you believe that it seems to apply to your H and you would like to discuss it further, I ask that you please answer a few background questions:

Does your H have a serious issue in trusting people? Does he tend to do all-or-nothing (i.e., black-white) thinking, where he perceives people as all good or all bad? Does he exhibit a strong fear of both abandonment and engulfment? Was he abused or abandoned -- or raised by an emotionally unavailable mother -- during early childhood? Does he have difficulty controlling his emotions -- to the point that you rarely are able to have a calm rational discussion about any significant relationship issue? Is he very controlling with respect to all his loved ones? Does he have little control over his impulses, resulting in risky and impetuous behavior? When he gets angry, does he become verbally abusive in a tantrum or, alternatively, does he freeze you out by refusing to speak with you for hours or days? How long have you been in a relationship with him? Finally, does he think of himself as a victim, blaming you for every misfortune?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I read your story and it brought back memories of when I first was married and the feelings I felt as well, I was a SAHM as well, and I remember what it felt like to have an adult conversation....I wish I had fixed things back then before a lot of resentment and feelings of being unloved set in......
I just accepted that he was over worked and had a lot of pressure on him and that me expecting to much in terms of attention was adding to that, I kept quiet and just tried to make the best of things......mistake, I should have worked on making the relationship better, one person can do this, this is what I would suggest you do, get the book the Love Dare or watch the movie Fireproof......read the 5 languages of love and figure out what he is missing in the relationship.........
Work on all those things for now, don't expect anything in return and over time you will have the relationship you want and a happy marriage for both of you, you came here looking for help and you are the lucky one that can change things for the better, you love him don't you.........don't waste years of wishing it was different or taking the chance of your husband having an affair like mine did........
take the opportunity that is in front of you


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## sarah123 (Sep 3, 2010)

Hi,

Really a tough situation and very torturous, you should consult some marriage counselor regarding the issue.

Regards,
sarah123


Indian Stock Market


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i agree w/ truckersgirl mostly on this.

u need online or other people who dont know u or hubby especially all that well, to talk to, if u cant afford a counselor that is, or dont feel its necessary yet.

my W has "betrayed" me basically telling friends/associates we both know about our problems; make that MY problems (lol....i wish!), to the pt that i feel uncomfortable with some of them as well as betrayed; as i told her my biz is my biz, but she went and did so anyways, and who knows with whom and how many as i am not so confident about truth-honesty coming from her
for when i ask as SHE is EVASIVE.

So even if he's dead wrong, don't make the same mistake,
pls...as who knows what he'll do if his anger gets outta control.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

His sulky crap is abusive, manipulative, childish, and controlling. Obviously, people need to communicate. You are going to be talking to your family and friends. He's an important part of your life, so, naturally, the topic will occasionally center on him. If what they hear is the truth but he finds it unflattering, the problem is not what you're saying but how he's behaving. Only he can change that. If he doesn't want to talk to you and doesn't want you to talk to family, perhaps he'd lprefer that you talk to an attorney.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

"Unbelievable", I agree with you!
I've been in the same situation as the poster. I felt the need to talk to others, and I only had family to talk to. So I figured that if I only told my family the TRUTH (not my "version" of of a stetched out, drawn-out tale), then they could give me reasonable advice, and they have. And I figure, if my family then views him in a bad light, it's only because he actually has something he needs to work on badly!
Face it, no matter who you are in theis world, even almost a "saint", you WILL talk behind someone else's back. It's human nature. So I figure, just tell the honest truth, and not distorted things that can come back to haunt you for saying. If he then comes to hear of it, and doesn't like it, it's only the truth he's hearing, (as you said).


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It would be a little bizarre for a wife to not occasionally talk about her husband...or her kids.....or her pets....or her job. This guy is a controlling, immature ignoramus. I'm not surprised that he'd like to silence his wife. If I were abusive to mine, I wouldn't want that information to get out, either.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

All posters should be aware that we only have the OP's point of view(POV).

IF the OP is off her/his rocker so to speak, or dishonest, or desparate, etc, look who yer agreeing with, and what's that make u (or me)? an__________(u fill in the blank yerselves, tks).

We don't have other spouses POV. this fact must always, always be factored in before giving ANY ADVICE. 
U wanna commiserate some with them or, pat them, hug them, sympathize/empathize with them, GREAT.
But please, don't justify/condone possible bad behavior or offer them ideas on how to do so.

Its one thing to tell family, yer single closest friend or even online strangers but, quite another thing to blab blab blab all over town, or to common friends/neighbors,work associates *only yer POV *is wrong, wrong, wrong.

IF he/she is as bad as u say, threatening wise, then get out, call 911, do an intervention, something that says this is SERIOUS, u r serious, I need help NOW.

o/wise one would appear to be vindictive and enabling his/her negative behavior by provoking his/her insecurities and subsequent anger portrayals w/ yer gossipy betrayal of whatever rel'shp u have or once had w/ yer mate.

For example, what if the guy has medical issues, pysch or emotional disorders, is seeing or seeking professional help and shes blah blahing it to mutual friends and acquaintences? 
Are these not his personal issues, his personal domain?
Most people wouldnt like to be the "exposed" victim here but, i'm sure there is a minority out there who just don't care.
(they'd love to be on Jerry Springer at any cost.)

oh let me hold my tongue.....lol.....i think i made my pt.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

cb45, all we can ask of the original poster, is to be as HONEST as possible here as to what she is encountering. After all, she's coming here to ask for ADVICE, not pats on the head for being right.

Truth is, it's a weird world out there, and we may NEVER hear her hubby's point of view on the matter.
And interventions don't always happen, and 911 is sometimes (quite often) USELESS.


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## kathrab2009 (Sep 8, 2010)

Hi I can totally relate to your circumstances I am in exactly the same situation three children Husband is moody grumpy disinterested when returning from work I too walk on egg shells with what I say but I am accussed as being controlling or having a pop at him when I question his moods. I have talked to my friends and family about this issue and he berates me for this as well. I dont feel bad if I had a Husband I could talk to I would not need to go outside. I agree with post earlier I think my Husband has a personality disorder Its possible yours has too. Why dont we keep in touch send me a messages we can talk as no one can possibly understand what this kind of relationship is like including family until you are in it. Kathx


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I (correctly) assume that my wife discusses me with her family and friends. It would be odd if she didn't. The only reason I should fear being viewed badly by these people is if I had treated her badly or if she lied to them. One of the key features of an abusive relationship is an attempt by the abuser to isolate the victim (often using similar tactics). No, I haven't done a case study on this couple and I'm a cop, not a qualified marriage counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, pastor, priest, voo doo priest, or psychic. I expect most of us realize the "advise" we get on a free on-line forum is limited to the moans of fellow wounded warriors who've struggled in the marital arena. If we were relationship experts, we'd be floating with our beloved in a Venetian gondola instead of posting on-line in a marriage forum at 3:00am. In case I am mistaken, I beg everyone to please not make any vital life decisions based on my relationship advise. I am completely and woefully unqualified. If my qualification status changes, I will hang out a shingle and charge dearly for my services.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

P.O.V. other than my own, telling (or not) others etc = "odd"?

speak fer yerself plz.


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