# Big argument and now I'm alone. Help!



## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

I am in a real dilemma that I could use some help with. 

I recently married a woman in Canada (2 hours away from where I live in the US). She has her own home and a child that is now an adult who lives with her. She is paying a mortgage on her home and we've talked about her moving to the U.S., but she does not want to give up her home in Canada since her son will be attending school and will live there. She has also said that if she does come to live with me, she will use any money earned working to pay her mortgage and it will probably not be possible for her to contribute to a home here in the U.S.

Money has been an ongoing topic with us as she is Chinese and has indirectly mentioned a few times that Chinese husbands support their wives. She now claims that she does not feel "safe" moving to my city with me, and I believe she expects me to cover all costs while she spends her money on her mortgage and expenses for her adult child.

We recently went to China to visit her friends/family and, again, the topic of money came up there with a lot of discussion of who pays what. She said that she was embarrassed splitting costs while there in front of her family and I felt resentment toward her for not acknowledging my contributions or efforts and said a few comments to her that were not nice.

She was also very critical of me during our trip. For instance, I pulled her extra bag on wheels all over the city, to the train station, and all over the airport, but she claims that I was not happy doing it for her (if she detects that I'm not happy, I get in trouble later). I also came under fire for not appearing to be happy while walking countless miles with a sinus infection and loss of sleep. I also set her purse on the ground while waiting for her to use the restroom and she was very upset. 

Once we arrived back in Canada she became very cold toward me for three days. I sat in the bedroom most of the time and tried to talk with her whenever I could to try and get the healing process started. All I got out of her is that she is angry about the mean things I've said during the trip and in the past. On the third day, I purchased her roses and a card asking that we try and work things out. She did not thank me for either and, after a short discussion, she felt it was best that we separate for awhile so she can determine if she can continue a relationship with me; she could not try to work things out now because she is so angry. 

I suggested that we go to counseling, but she did not want to do that because she said it would make her angry all over again talking about the past and that we should see a counselor if our marriage was not going to work out. 

Now I am back at my home in the U.S., alone, and waiting to hear from her. 

What do do?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

She chose to separate not much you can do but wait.

I suspect she has a lot of family pressure.. possibly too much to deal with at the moment.

Wait for her to reach out then calmly talk about things.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Run as fast as you can shes looking for a meal ticket!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Some red flags here for sure.......seems like you hardly know anything about each other. Trying to compete with an entire CULTURE can be pretty rough. No offense but if my spouse was embarrassed of me in the ways you mention above, then punishes you for it...............well some strange flags to say the least.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is not a marriage. 

Have you been married before?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You two do not sound compatible at all!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

this doesn't smell like divorce...............its smells like annulment.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

At it's root, Marriage 1.0 was/is a contract between a man and a woman, wherein the man agreed to provide physical protection and all material needs to the woman in return for exclusive and frequent sex resulting in legitimate heirs.

Since you don't live together it's going to be tough for her to live up to the frequent and exclusive sex deal. You also can't provide protection and you seem to have no interest in economic provision. So, why bother?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ideally, these are major issues that are worked out before anyone gets married (Where will we live? Who pays for what? What is my role? What is your role?, What are our mutually held beliefs and values? How will we handle any differences in values and beliefs?) Separation at this point might not be a bad idea. You both have some foundational issues to deal with before any real marriage can be built. If you can work them out, there's no problem. If you can't, there's no point in continuing with this relationship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, you could figure out a way to make a lot more money.

You could pray that your wife will change, and that your relationship will be different. Since she is not actually with you, a miracle is a good idea. 

You could be unaffected by her actions and demands, and reply with a simple, I'm sorry you feel that way, and instead of dragging things around the city, get a cab, and decide you don't care. (And hope or rather pray you don't snap.) Sedatives or other heavy pharmaceuticals would help in this case. 

You could annul/divorce and have a good story to tell your friends, about your ex-wife. While you still have friends to tell your story to.

I think that pretty much realistically sums up your options.
Personally, with her attitude, I'd go one step further and watch your back. Did she by any chance insist on taking out an insurance policy on you? It doesn't sound as though she would miss you very much if you were gone. I would be leery and cautious. (And that part is not in jest.)


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## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

It does sound like she really does not care much. I did
make some rude comments in the past, but I think
she is using my words as an excuse to punish me for not conforming to her ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

What's missing is the courtship story where you got to know each other better than you knew yourselves and from the depths of your hearts how you had found the perfect match. 

When it starts with "I got married to someone long distance and then started to get to know her... well, there's going to be big trouble.

So in other words, looks like you blew it by marrying someone you didn't know.


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## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> What's missing is the courtship story where you got to know each other better than you knew yourselves and from the depths of your hearts how you had found the perfect match.
> 
> When it starts with "I got married to someone long distance and then started to get to know her... well, there's going to be big trouble.
> 
> So in other words, looks like you blew it by marrying someone you didn't know.


We did get to know each other and fell deeply in love, but things changed over time and I now see a side of her that was not apparent before. I just think I was more in love than she was with me as I have a lot of tolerance for her imperfections while she does not have the same for me.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

This sounds 100% to me like a cultural problem.

From what you've written, your trip to China together caused her to "lose face" in front of her family, which for a Chinese is very, very hard to deal with. According to cultural expectations, the appropriate thing to have done was to return to her family with expensive gifts, packets of money, and you should have entertained them (meals out etc) to the best of your financial ability, and fought over the check at the end of the meal, until you win the honor of paying it. It is a very macho game, but one that is played to show her parents that you are a) powerful and b) can support her. I hate to say it but by insisting on dividing things up, you've made yourself look bad in their eyes.

As to attending to her bags - this is so true! Ridiculous as it sounds, it is a show of endearment to carry your wife's handbag and luggage and to do it with chivalry!

If it sounds like she only wanted you to show her respect in front of her family, stop a moment to consider all of the things that she probably did in front of them to show her respect for you. Did she serve your food onto your plate first? Peel your prawns? Defer to you in almost childish ways? Take care of all your needs first? I am sure there are many things that she did to show respect to you in front of her parents that went over your head because you were not aware of the subtleties of her culture.

Intercultural marriages are tricky. You have to be willing to accept and respect her cultural needs, as you would like her to accept and respect your own. When in front of her family, it's best to agree to observe her cultural norms. When in front of your family, it's best to observe yours. Within your own home, if you do settle down in the same home, you two have the chance to make your own "house rules" based on mutual cultural respect. 

My advice is to research as much as you can about Chinese culture and intermarriage difficulties. Chinese culture is complex, with a lot of nuances that defy Western "common sense." Chinese marriages are most often based not so much on the concept of love as we see it, but on respect and honor. Respect and honor also spills out onto money issues, and many Chinese can appear to be solely money-minded as a result. But it helps to remember that when you show respect and honor to your spouse and her family, which sometimes is expressed through financial transactions, it is seen as ultimate love and devotion. This is hard for most Westerners to accept.

Good luck!


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## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

Urban said:


> This sounds 100% to me like a cultural problem.
> 
> From what you've written, your trip to China together caused her to "lose face" in front of her family, which for a Chinese is very, very hard to deal with. According to cultural expectations, the appropriate thing to have done was to return to her family with expensive gifts, packets of money, and you should have entertained them (meals out etc) to the best of your financial ability, and fought over the check at the end of the meal, until you win the honor of paying it. It is a very macho game, but one that is played to show her parents that you are a) powerful and b) can support her. I hate to say it but by insisting on dividing things up, you've made yourself look bad in their eyes.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insightful words. I'm sure the cultural differences, coupled with my hurtful words, have caused damage to this marriage. Communication has been limited to email with her over the past 3 days. Any suggestions on how I can help repair "face" and start the healing process? She has created distance and I'm nervous about it, but hoping that she needs this time to feel better.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

I think it's definitely fixable.

Firstly, you can Google as much as you can about Chinese culture, etiquette, and also intermarriage issues like husband and wife roles. Very important to understand is the concept of filial piety (you will also need to understand this in dealings with her son). I wouldn't be surprised if there's a chat board or two out there for East/West intercultural marriage. 

Then you might write to her and just explain to her plainly that you have never been married to a Chinese woman before (I'm assuming) and have never been to China. Apologize for things that you may have done inadvertently, and just tell her the truth. You didn't know! But you can also tell her that you're committed to learning about her culture so that you can appreciate it, and her, better. And you can also ask her to be something of a guide for you.

I will warn you now, there will be a lot of things about Chinese culture that don't jive with your Western culture, and that's OK. Just try to see how their ways can also be good, just as yours can too. There's a lot of bad/archaic attitudes in each culture too, BTW. Try also to keep a sense of humor in difficult situations! If you see this as an opportunity to grow and become closer, then you have a tremendous opportunity to connect together in important ways. It will help when you two start to build your own home together.

Finally, you might ask your wife for her advice, if there is anything you can do to show appreciation to her parents/family. Can you send a gift or a basket of delicacies with a card to thank them for their hospitality? (note: if you go this route, have your wife pick it out! There are certain things that when given as gifts are seen as very bad omens. Then again, I've never seen a situation that can't be fixed with a bottle of fine cognac.) I'd also recommend that next Chinese New Year send them the biggest basket of delicacies you can afford! (and cognac!! lol)

I totally think this is a fixable situation. And it's also an adventure! I am married to an Asian man and live in his home country and I adore that part of our life together. It hasn't always been easy, however, I practically grew up in Asia, so the culture shock is minimized for me. 

Sadly, my husband and I have other problems, not particularly related to culture.

Good luck, Dersea


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

OP, for as much as you're hearing that you should have known about her culture and its customs, remember it is your W who has failed to educate you on what is expected within her culture. She lives in North America, right? She's independent, right? Did she know the culture here when she arrived? Not knowing her culture is ignorance...so what! It's not like you chose to ignore customs and humiliate people by choice. Her not educating and sharing with you the norms of the Chinese ways in a way makes her responsible for your lack of knowledge on the subject. She deserves at least half of the blame for her own humiliation. Let this serve as an example for future disagreements where your W will just assume that you know what she expects from you. Hopefully this episode will open the lines of communication so you both know how to behave/react on all continents with all cultures.


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## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> OP, for as much as you're hearing that you should have known about her culture and its customs, remember it is your W who has failed to educate you on what is expected within her culture. She lives in North America, right? She's independent, right? Did she know the culture here when she arrived? Not knowing her culture is ignorance...so what! It's not like you chose to ignore customs and humiliate people by choice. Her not educating and sharing with you the norms of the Chinese ways in a way makes her responsible for your lack of knowledge on the subject. She deserves at least half of the blame for her own humiliation. Let this serve as an example for future disagreements where your W will just assume that you know what she expects from you. Hopefully this episode will open the lines of communication so you both know how to behave/react on all continents with all cultures.


True. When I ask about her culture, she tells me to go research it on the internet because she thinks I'll believe it more than hearing it from her own mouth. 

But communication is poor with her now as I can barely get an email from her during the day. A counseling session is set up for Friday, so we'll see if that starts a path in the right direction.


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## Downtrodden_Hubby (Apr 10, 2013)

Urban said:


> This sounds 100% to me like a cultural problem.
> 
> From what you've written, your trip to China together caused her to "lose face" in front of her family, which for a Chinese is very, very hard to deal with. According to cultural expectations, the appropriate thing to have done was to return to her family with expensive gifts, packets of money, and you should have entertained them (meals out etc) to the best of your financial ability, and fought over the check at the end of the meal, until you win the honor of paying it. It is a very macho game, but one that is played to show her parents that you are a) powerful and b) can support her. I hate to say it but by insisting on dividing things up, you've made yourself look bad in their eyes.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Dersea said:


> When I ask about her culture, she tells me to go research it on the internet because she thinks I'll believe it more than hearing it from her own mouth.


This makes it sound as if she has been trying to communicate these things to you but feels like you don't care to listen, or you listen but don't believe her. Do you have any reason not to trust her advice on these matters?


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## Dersea (May 1, 2013)

She does tell me some of the cultural things from China, and I believe them, but I feel the real issue is money. She tells me that she is respectful of Western culture and is trying to accept it, but she also expects that I pay for certain things while I feel we should share the costs. For instance, our wedding bands. In Western culture, the bride buys the grooms band and the groom buys his wife's. This made her upset. We also paid for our own plane tickets which made her upset (we live apart for now and our money is not pooled together). She also tells me that her friends can't believe that she bought her own ticket, so I'm getting shamed from outsiders as well. 

She also told me a story about how her Chinese friend lost her purse and her white boyfriend loaned her $2000! I told my wife that I would do that for her, and I cab see that she is trying to indirectly get money, but when she restricts love and affection, I don't feel moved to open my wallet. 

I guess it's the material things that excite her. For instance, I told her that I was going to set up a satellite dish in my back yard so she can watch Chinese TV when she is here and she was very excited. But that's all a moot point now since there is no communication.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Well, I think the best place to start is by understanding what kinds of financial responsibilities a husband is expected to fulfill within her culture. That can be done through research, online, books, talking with people, and talking to your wife. Maybe make a list of these things so you'll be able to see objectively if her expectations are reasonable from her cultural standpoint, or if you suspect they're hidden fees that she's tacking on to the bill, so to speak. Because I sense you feel you're being played. You're the only one who can answer that question. 

A list will also let you decide which things you are comfortable paying and which things you are not, and also may give you the opportunity to discuss your financial limitations - financial obligations can only be within your means, after all.

I strongly recommend you find some Western/Chinese marriage forums, to connect with other people who may be able to shed more light on this than I can.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dude!
This should have been worked out long before a wedding band went on her finger. You are a newly wed living in separate homes and she is withholding affection and wanting you to support her. THIS IS NOT GOING TO GET BETTER.

If you don't want to be her sugar daddy and pay for her Canadian home and her son's school than get out while you can.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Do the 180 until she shows that YOU are more important than money!*


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