# infidelity mess



## itsallmyfault (Sep 18, 2010)

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first, this is all my fault. i cheated on my wife early on in our marriage and never admitted it...she knew about it but couldnt get me to confess...even though i stopped the cheating and tried to fix things...i couldnt bring myself to admit id done wrong by her even though i knew she knew...id just hang my head in shame and silence when asked. she told me admitting it would do good for us, but i couldnt i just knew if i admitted it shed leave. i thought time would heal all wounds and after enough good times it would be forgotten...if not forgiven. 

then one day after we were married 8 years and several years since my infidelity i got sick and was diagnosed with hiv...full blwn aids. i admitted id cheated in the hospital and she told me she hated me and walked out. afew days later she asked me to come home for our daughter..and told me she still loved me and needed me...i went home and tried to do everything i could to fix what id broken. we still fought and it took months before we could look eachother in the eye at times...but things got better...we communicated better than we ever had and even had intimacy although she never would allow intercourse even with a condom, i understood, and as long as i could be with her i told her i would forgo inercourse the rest of my life, if she could be satisfied with what we did do sexually....mutual maturbation and i would perform oral on her (no risk or negligible risk) i took my medications and for 1.5 years have had an undetectable viral load...meaning there would be little or no risk of transmission even via unprotected sex and basically no risk with condom use...i never pressed it but showed her the research and studies and asked her to read it...she said she did but couldnt feel comfortable doing it with me no matter what the risk...i understood and dropped the subject, asking if she was satisfied with what pleasure i could give her and she said yes.

well a month ago she told me she didnt want to try and forgive me anymore and there was someone else she was having sex with and alluded to having had another affair with a mutual friend for some time....at first she said she was leaving and took some stuff with her and left me and our daughter and her adult son who lives with us whiile hes in college and disappeared...

come to find out the guy shes seeing has a criminal record, is or was an iv drug user, and has family violence chrges in his past (assaulted his mother aggravated assault with a deadly weapon on a family memeber with bodily injury later reduceed to a lesser charge because the mom didnt press charges 


anyway my point with that was she is taking up with someone who cannot be around our daughter so why is she even pursuing this relationship anyway? 

i find out she picked our daughter up from school one day with him and i blew my lid...i told her to get out and stay out if she was going to have such poor judgement and so she left...after a weekend i started to realize i was in no position to raise an 8 yr old girl by myself and didnt even want to tell her her mommy was gone...i got my wife to come home and we agreed not to bring her around other boyfriends etc until it was necessary (ie long term) and she would live at home coming and going as she pleases...she would take kid to school and pick her up and stay until she was asleep then she could go wherever until morning...if it ever happened she wasnt gonna make it home in time for schoool just let me know....


bad idea. i spent the next 2 weeks with her rolling in at 7 am or calling me at 6:30 and dropping kid off at school...staying gone til i left for work and leaving when i got home...on weekends i watched her pack a weekend bag and didnt see her til monday morning... i realized i was trying to hold on to our relationship and asked her if there was any hope...she wouldnt answer...but said she wanted to keep doing what she was doing and i needed to give her space...so i did...hoping it was a midlife crisis or thinking this might be what she needs to finally forgive me...ill stand by her like she did me when i was being unfaithful and wait and see....

a month has gone by and im tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself and decided i needed to let her go...let go of our relationship...if its meant to be shell come back etc etc...


i told her this and she didnt respond...basically acted like it didnt happen...

she still would come to me for money...gas etc...basically expecting me to act like her husband when she no longer acted like my wife.

i told her look...you have a job u make 2/3 what i make and i pay all the bills...all your money you spend however you want and come and go as you please...but im not going to fix your car or buy your gas etc...

she is wasting all her money on new clothes, gambling, living the single life going out etc....and never has a penny when she comes home...

she says i am her husband and i need to give her gas money to get the kid to school...fix her car so the kid rides in a car that runs well...i remind her she makes enough to do that she has no bills at all no rent....but she expects me to pay for all this'


i told her let xxxx pay for your stuff your his problem now not mine.

she told me if i was his wife he would...

i siad to be precise marry him leave him for someone else and find out then....nobody would do what you expect.

in any event he lives with his mom and is 42 yrs olod with no job...he couldnt even if he wanted to...im sure some of her money goes on him as well....

she says because of what i did and my having hiv i am punishing her every day and owe this to her....

i disagree i think i we her as long as we are trying to work things out but if shes gone thats it....

am i nuts? do i owe her? when will i be punished enough...everything we argue about ends up with its my fault because i cheated and got hiv....

if she cannot forgive me i can ACCEPT but then she has to move on....and i will try to as well...

amm i off base here?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, so here's what I see. 

Yes, you were way wrong to cheat, and you were even more wrong to have done so without protection. You got HIV, you exposed your wife and daughter to getting it. That is a huge deal, absolutely. I won't sugarcoat that one for you. 

HOWEVER...that does not entitle her to treat you like this. She has/had every right to be thoroughly pissed off at you, to divorce you, to ask the court to limit your time with your daughter if she felt you were a threat to her in some way. She has/had every right to yell and scream and be upset, hurt, scared, any number of emotions I can only imagine I'd feel if I found out the man I loved cheated on me, and worst of all, cheated and caught such a scary disease as a result. 

But it doesn't give her the right to cheat on you, to disrespect you, to think that you will act as a husband while she doesn't act as a wife. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, and as you've already learned, that doesn't work. 

I could understand if she came to you and said, "You know, I have tried all this time to forgive you and move past this, but I just can't. I've met someone else and I want to move on. Let's get divorced and work out child support and alimony and so on." Then, I would totally be on her side, because yeah, what you did would be really hard to get past. 

But what she's doing...it's wrong. As wrong as what you did, except that she (so far, anyway) hasn't gotten a disease from it. Actually, in some ways, I think what she's doing might be worse, because at least what you did didn't directly affect your daughter. Your daughter is seeing mom behave this way, and not only is it setting a bad example for her, but it's probably confusing her quite a bit as well. I can't imagine an 8 yr old can figure out why mom leaves every night and every weekend and is never home to spend time with her. 

I think it's time you stopped waiting for her to make up her mind, and you just make it up for her. Clearly, she's not going to change her behavior. It's time to accept that and move on. File for divorce, I'd request custody, and just move on. 

Even with HIV, you can still have a life. As long as you are totally honest with your future partners, you will find someone else to share your life with, someone who will respect you and be faithful to you. Just make sure you give them the same back.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You screwed up and are paying the price but not at the cost of what she wants. Get out and move on. You'll most likely lose the custody fight unless you can document her destructive behavior right now to make a case that she is unfit to be a mother to your child. But you also stated you cannot take care of an 8yr child.

Do you have family who can help with child care or can you afford child care on your own? She's done with your marriage and you're her free money tree at the moment. I highly doubt this will work out at all in this situation. Get a lawyer and start working on protecting yourself and your assets while she goes down this path of self destruction.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Wow this is a tough situation! thank heavens HIV is not a death sentence anymore. It seems to me that the situation is unforgiveable for your wife and her harbored resentments are now fueling her bad behavior towards you. She clearly cannot forgive you and who knows if she ever can?! Some people have different forgiveness abilities and perhaps if it were another woman then it could work. I dont have to tell you how precious life really is - but love shouldnt have to be this hard!
The relationship she has with this guy is sexual. He lives with Mom & has a record... obviosuly she isnt seeing him for his monetary or social status appeals. He is clearly the "bad boy" cliche so many women go for. You have to admit it has to be hard for her to not be able to have sex with you - but com on... when she agreed to keep working on it in a way she vowed to remain loyal with that. Some may say "do unto others" but how does that help?! 
Some couples' love is boundless... I have a friend who married a woman with HIV and was willing to take his chances & be intimate. To me that shows you the power of true love! It is possible for you to feel unconditional love again even though you have HIV. You still deserve love too & I am sure youve punished yourself enough for your affair.
Now... is it fair to either one of you to remain in this mismatched situation? 
You are in a position that I feel greatly for. I too know what it feels like to have an STD and how alienated society makes you feel about a "mistake" that really can happen to anyone. I know what it feels like to feel "tainted" and try to supress ever wanting sex again. Dont lose faith that there is someone out there better equip to deal with your condition.
I think you two would be emotionally happier apart & let real healing begin. I imagine you beat yourself up daily for what happened with her & for her sadness. Why not give yourself and her a second chance at a relationship without catastrophic resentments, remorse and hate?
If she wants to keep going MY GOSH please seek a counselor experienced with this! have a true heart to heart with her & find out where shes at. Be open to her answers and listen fully!!! it will help u decide what to do next! good wishes - hope u both find happiness one way or the other!!! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itsallmyfault (Sep 18, 2010)

this sums up how she feels towards me these days...i asked her not to blame me for her mistakes (wasting all her money basically before she even leaves work) because i dont blame her for mine (many that they are) she texted me back "i do blame you for mine" then "now leave me alone" "ur an *******" "get over yourself" and i asked her when will i be punished enough...? she said "never because i am forever punished every day by what you did" at first i thought she was right...but hows she being punished? she lives rent free in our house when she walked out on me...she has a boyfirend and has resumed her normal sexlife...if thats punishment i want in!

if shes moving in with him theres no way she will get custody and she knows it...i found out hes a iv meth user or was perhaps he stopped because i really dont see her being around it but i guess u never know i wouldve never thought shed pick our daughter up from school with a stranger she just hooked up with either...nor did i ever imagine her texting me at 6:30 telling me to get her to school...ive never gotten her up and dressed and hair done and all that girl stuff...IM THE IRRESPONSIBLE ONE....im not ready for any of this...and no the only family i have here is HER 20 year old son who is living with us as well and going to college...she hasnt told anyone in her family about any of this what they know is what ive told them...my family all live across the country and i wont confide anything to them becuase i dont want them to think bad of her...


i guess i got the answers i already knew were true...this isnt right even taking into consideration what i did...if she cant forgive me i have to forgive myself and just move on....maybe one day she will come back or forgive me and maybe she wont ever but it isnt my problem anymore once i let it go and forgive myself....i just wanted to make it right...i feel so bad for what i did....but there may not be any right to make....its just the past and i cant change it...only do better in the future....thanks


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## itsallmyfault (Sep 18, 2010)

discretion is the better part of valor


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## itsallmyfault (Sep 18, 2010)

qwet


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Get in touch with a lawyer regarding this types of questions. It differs from state to state and you don't know about what local laws might allow or not allow you to do right now.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

There you go... it's time! - forgive yourself and move on. She seems to have a sense of entitlement with you which can quickly become emotionally abusive. Why linger and be an emotional punching bag? Show some compassion to yourself because it's obvious that's something she doesn't have anymore. Everyone has a right to seek happiness. What's done is done and you have two options: (1) continue to kick the crap out of yourself for the mistake you made & let her continue to beat you up forever or (2) you can make yourself a better man and learn by your mistake - with or without her. Emotional punishment is completely pointless at this moment so far forward. I am sure you have all of the normal responsibilities of parenthood, work and a household so why shouldn't you deserve to relax and enjoy life now?! 
I agree with cheatinhubby, wouldn't hurt to start consulting a lawyer in private to protect yourself if she decides to become hostile for your decision to leave if you do. It could go one way or the other - she could welcome seperating or she could get greedy and nasty on you. Either way, better to have someone in your pocket that has legal experience in this matter. 
Seriously feel for your situation - hope you keep us updated and you find some strength. Have you considered a support group?! they can make you feel pretty normal because it's not like the people in your current social network can relate to what you're going through.


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