# Feeling ever so conflicted/confused...



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

This is the weekend that H will be here to retrieve our truck, his personal crap, papers, etc. In laws will be picking him up @ the airport and he'll be staying there. Our daughter is there now visiting. She turned 18 earlier this week. Our son will be driving down there to help get the Chevy ready for H to drive back to whatever rock he's currently under up there. I won't be going there. H has not indicated to me that he wants me there for any reason. I keep telling myself that I don't want to see him, not strong enough emotionally for that yet. But then I feel so "cut out" of everything.

Although DD and I text/talk daily, I wasn't able to celebrate her 18th with her. I miss her. I see our son quite often. I think he understands more than he will say. He's like me, always tries to be the "peacemaker" for everyone.

I am just feeling so excluded, hurt, and even a bit jealous. The finality of him moving to another state is hitting me like a few tons of concrete, I feel totally helpless and powerless. He is cutting me out of his life so easily, like cutting the mold off a slice of bread.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> I am just feeling so excluded, hurt, and even a bit jealous. The finality of him moving to another state is hitting me like a few tons of concrete, *I feel totally helpless and powerless*. He is cutting me out of his life so easily, like cutting the mold off a slice of bread.


You are dwelling on things that are out of your control. I know that you don't like any of this, and not having the power to do anything about it but you have to start letting it go and focus on the things you do have control over - being a good and loving parent (ps you still can "celebrate" her 18th bday just have to accept that it won't always be at the very moment you'd prefer, how you deal with it IS under your control). He is cutting you out of his life, but you still have your own life and no longer have to worry about his needs you can devote all the energy to the things that YOU want and need, and there really are a lot of amazing things in this world worth experiencing, even alone if you must. Take care and good skill moving forward in your life, there will be times of loneliness, I'm finding out already, but use the solitude to your advantage: to heal and let it motivate you to start living life again.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I have begun my physical and occupational therapies that I was unable to accomplish when it should have been started over a year ago. I am excited to finally be on the road to full recovery instead of mere survival. It's so tempting to text the kids today since I know they are with their dad but I will not do it and interrupt their time together. No intruding. DD will be back with me tomorrow, possibly brought by her dad. I will be ready just in case I do see him.


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