# Do I or Don't I??



## LGriggs (Dec 3, 2011)

After almost 2 years of marriage and a 3 year old son... my husband is about to cheat on me... if he hasn't already. While I have read other posts regarding the same thing, I know it is not specifically due to this: he just got an iphone last month. I know it is not because of the iphone. It just made it easier for him. 

Long story short-
He's very secretive with his phone. He has admitted to looking at porn/webcams on his phone. He changed the passcode on it so now I no longer know it. But he hasn't changed his email password. He has numerous emails from adult-dating websites looking for casual relationships. Over the past two days he has numerous emails with one woman in particular. They are trying to set something up to meet each other. What do I do??? I haven't confronted him yet. I know he will deny and I want to have concrete proof. Or he will say that nothing has happened yet. 

However, to me it has. He has told this woman he just got out of a relationship (um, we are married!) and is looking for something casual but could lead to more. He is trying to set a meeting up with her. I am tempted to keep reading the emails and confronting him there. Yes, a little TV Cheaters style, I know... but this is the end for us. And unless I have solid, concrete proof he will try to talk his way out of it and make it look like my fault. What do I do?? 

I feel horrible for my son. I never wanted this for him. But I cannot go on living and acting like I have no idea or to even put up with it. It is just surreal still, I guess.

Thanks for allowing me to vent... if anyone is even reading.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You confront, for even if he denies it, you may scare hm enough to stop this PA

Then you start to deal with the core problem- him thinking that it is ok for him to do such a thing
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It might be interesting to alternately directly email her saying you are his wife, but not tell him you did it.
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## LGriggs (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks Shaggy... I have thought about both. He has a tendency to turn things around and I am sure that is what he will do if I confront him without proof... he will just say that he was never going to actually do it. I also thought about emailing her... but that will only stop this one. What if there comes another one? I do think that I would love to see his face when I walked into where-ever they're meeting. But at the same time, I guess I am hoping he will not go through with it and if I do confront him in that scene, our marriage is 100% over and I am not sure if I really want that.
This sucks!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well if you want to play a bit of game with him, set up a fake email persona for you and have him pursue the fake you.

Get rid of this current one with a well worded note first.
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## SIP (Jul 27, 2011)

I personally would let them set the meeting up (keep in mind this OW doesn't know he is married, so don't be angry at her) and I would meet the "just got out of a relationship" H and his new potential casual girlfriend. Just don't do anything that could get you in trouble. Bet he will be surprised as h~ll and he won't be able to deny his intent. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I'm sorry spouses can be so selfish. The porn on his phone is least of your worries. Him on dating sites shows 100 percent intent to cheat. My husband signed up on Match & used lame excuse he just wanted to look at pics ... I actually fell for it for 2 minutes. Then common sense kicked in. Signing up on dating sites means only one thing, you are looking to meet someone. Your husband denying you access to his phone is ridiculous. He definitely has something to hide. Marriage is about transparency regardless if cheating has occurred. Spouses don't keep secrets unless they have bad consequences. I know you say you are done but keep in mind you are very emotional right now and maybe not the best time to make a decision. My opinion, bust him, then wait to see how remorseful he is and what actions he takes before making the decision to end your marriage. Some people find it impossible to reconcile after infidelity, but if he is worth it to you, it should be an option. 

Again sorry you have to deal with this.
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## LGriggs (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I thought about the whole fake persona thing... and may do it. I already sent the woman an email. Because according to him, he just got out of a relationship. How wrong is it though, to pretend to be someone and play a game with him? Although should I care at this point?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh hi. It sounds like you married myy ex husband. I discovered him doing this during the first year of our marriage. Do what I did: Print out the emails and show it to him/confront him. Be prepared for the: "I was only kidding/It meant nothing/It was a joke/I DIDN'T MEET UP WITH ANYONE" excuse that is bound to happen. Matter of fact, if he doesn't use one of those excuses, I will pay you 20 bucks. He's totally fishing to cheat....if he hasn't already. My ex said that he was "living with someone" on his profile. That "someone" happened to be me, his wife. Get tested for STDs. Cause you never know.
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## boto227 (Dec 2, 2011)

He is out of order,totally and disrespectfully, out of order! I am new to this forum and as yet I am still trying to piece together the shrapnel from my own situation, but one thing I have already realised from the posts I have read here, never shoulder responsibility for the actions of an adult that decides on a course of action and gets caught.
Protect your Dignity, Self Esteem, be open and honest, and be Firm!


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Two years of marriage and your husband is trying to hook up. He's already not married. You know in your heart what you want and are willing to put into a marriage. Don't you deserve someone who respects you? Who is proud to tell people you are his wife? Can you point to him right now and say you are proud and lucky he is your husband? My first wife pulled that type of stuff two years in. That was a long time ago, probably before you were born. I was young and hung in through that kind of hell for 13 years. I wish they'd had this kind of forum back then to really hear the different stories, good and bad advice, and wisdom from others with perspective. Trying to hook up is cheating. It's a total disregard for you. Counseling would be meaningless right now. If you think you want to give him a chance, then "go dark" and gather info. But what is it you would give him a chance to do? A chance to grow up? Do you think he was fully committed to you when he took his vows? If your answer is no, don't wait until your child is older. See a lawyer now.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go read HowtoTrusts thread in General Relationships. She is dealing w the same thing.
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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Confront her and then him, make sure you have hard evidence . Hide a var in his car and load a keylogger on the PC. Be very prepared to walk away. He will lie , deny and unless he admits all and does everything to recover the relationship your marriage will be a sham and inevitably you will divorce .

The balance must switch from him to you, be calm, be controlled be firm in your dealing with them . Once you have sufficient evidence out her to her family and friends.
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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What is your boundary? At what level of behavior will you no longer be willing to be in a relationship with someone? I think you need to clearly communicate your boundary.

This is not a case of you aren't sure what he was doing or what his intent was. He will spin, dance, deny, blameshift, and gaslight when you confront him. The point is that you don't have to, and should not, argue the details of what he has already done.

The issue is that he has definitely crossed a boundary of yours. His view or opinion is not relevant in that regard. It is YOUR boundary. You are entitled to any boundary you want. He is entitled to decide if he will respect that boundary. If he does not respect it, you should enforce the consequences you desire.

He doesn't get to argue that what he has already done isn't bad enough. YOU get to decide if he has crossed your boundary.

The only reason to look for more evidence is if it helps you clarify in your own mind if he has crossed a divorce level boundary for you. The only reason to confront him is if you believe there is a reasonable chance to permanently change his behavior into something acceptable to you.

My opinion is that your husband is not going to rehab without the highest level of motivation, and then it isn't very probable anyhow. I think you should prepare for divorce and proceed down that road. When you serve him with papers he may have a true turnaround.

I'm sorry you're going through this. They talk about "the fog" the cheater is in. There is a parallel "the haze" which the betrayed spouse is in. The betrayed spouse has trouble seeing clearly because they so strongly don't want it to be the worst case situation. It is a confusing time.


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