# I don't know whether it is worth while staying with my partner



## ITWiz (Mar 22, 2013)

These are the Pros and Cons of my Partner:

*Pros*
- We have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old daughter
- I love him
- He makes me laugh
- He loves me
- He won't cheat
- He won't leave me
- Good with his daughter
- Passionate about animals, which I love
- He is a good friend
- He is trust worthy
- I am attracted to him
- I love having him around provided that we get along
- We are 3 years together
- We enjoy the same kind of people
- I only have him and my daughter

*Cons*
- Treats me with no respect
- Cannot satisfy me in bed
- Doesn't listen to me
- Selfish
- Laid-back
- Unambitious
- Unwilling to sacrifice
- Always criticising
- Infantilises me
- Doesn't confide in me
- Engaged 2 years and still no wedding
- His word is final
- 16 years older than me
- His priorities are not in order
- My daughter and I had to move out of our home to accommodate his sister
- scares me when he is angry
- I have no freedom
- He won't let me drive the car (Although I pay for half it)
- Struggle finicially because we have his father and sister to look after alone (although he has 5 other siblings)
- Resents me working
- Constantly accuses me of being with other men and even women
- Is not there for me when I really need him the most
- We never have time alone as a couple or as a family due to his family staying with him

I would like any input, please.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I would like to say that it looks like the cons outweigh the pros, but I am in a similar boat, so I know how hard it is to hear.

Have either of you been to counseling? Have you posted your story here before? How did you two meet? Why are his family members living with you?

I don't like the looks of your list, but I am willing to hear the story behind it... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

your Pro list doesn't exactly sound promising to me

I'd be interested to see his pros/cons list


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Pros - kids without fathers in the home don't perform as well academically, statistically.

Kids without fathers in the home have a higher incident of juvenile delinquency.

Statistically, single mothers are the fastest growing group and the most likely to be on poverty roles. 

Pros: Divorce and your future grandkids will have at least three grandmothers meaning you'll be lucky if you get even 33% of grandbaby time. Just by staying married, you increase your visitation odds and grandbaby popularity by 17%. Doesn't mean much to you today but it will later. 

Pros: The wisest economic move a couple can make is to stay married if at all possible.

Pros: If you stay married to an employed man, you may have the option of changing jobs, quitting jobs, reducing to part-time but you and your child(ren) still eat, have clothes, house, etc. Divorce and you'll have to work at least till age 65 whether you like it or not. 

Pros: Stay married and any future kids will have the same father as your current child. Makes Father's Day less confusing, more convenient, reduces sibling jealousies, etc. No "you're not my real dad" drama. Divorce and one kid will get necessarily treated differently. Divorce and you get to compete with your ex for your child's affection/loyalty and the kid gets confusing and varying rules, little stability.


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## ITWiz (Mar 22, 2013)

No, we have not been for counselling. We can't even talk about it, he refuses to hear it. We are both very stubborn people but I would like to fix our problems where he is reluctant to. That is why I don't know whether it is worth staying, if nothing will ever get better.

We met through a mutual friend and hit it off from day one. We courted for 3 months and then decided to make it official. 3 months after that I fell pregnant. I moved in with him and I was living there for over 2 years.

I recently moved into my granny, because his sister moved back (in which I had no say), who has bipolar. All was fine, I had accepted it but then there was an incident. It was so extreme it made me fear having my daughter and myself around her and as a result I moved out. My partner would not tell her to leave. Take note that she had moved in by us because she was kicked out by her last place because of similar incidents.

His Father lives with us because he lost his job 2 years ago. I had no problem supporting him, but he has had over 10 job offers and other housing opportunities of which he has refused all of them. This makes me very unwilling to help. The fact of his sister and father staying there had an even greater effect on our already, unstable relationship.

Now, I feel that things are not ever going to come right, as I do not see my partner changing his attitude towards me and I do not see his sister and father leaving in the near future. I worry not only for our future as a couple, but for my daughter's too. She is still very young, but I believe that we not be able to provide for her properly (financially and emotionally), if our situation doesn't improve.


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## ITWiz (Mar 22, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> your Pro list doesn't exactly sound promising to me
> 
> I'd be interested to see his pros/cons list


I am not saying that I am perfect. I have my faults too, but I really do feel that I am only responsible for 20% of our problems.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I wouldn't stay with a man like that. Don't be frightened to leave.
He sounds abusive. You deserve better.
He puts other people before you and treats you very badly.


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## ITWiz (Mar 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Pros - kids without fathers in the home don't perform as well academically, statistically.
> 
> Kids without fathers in the home have a higher incident of juvenile delinquency.
> 
> ...


I understand where you are coming from. I have thought about this. I had parents that loved yet hated each other. I fear that we are on the same track. I do not want my daughter to have parents like I had. Constant fights, tears and threats. Never having parents, but two separate adults leaning on me for support.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Pro- You know the guy you're with and though he's not perfect, you can live with him.

Con - The next guy may cook meth in your basement, molest your kid, cut you up into little bits and store you in the freezer. The next one might turn out to be crazy as an out-house rat or he might have a thing for the neighbor's wife (or the neighbor, for that matter). You probably won't come home to find your current husband wearing a dress and singing show tunes. Who knows about any future guy?


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## ITWiz (Mar 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Pro- You know the guy you're with and though he's not perfect, you can live with him.
> 
> Con - The next guy may cook meth in your basement, molest your kid, cut you up into little bits and store you in the freezer. The next one might turn out to be crazy as an out-house rat or he might have a thing for the neighbor's wife (or the neighbor, for that matter). You probably won't come home to find your current husband wearing a dress and singing show tunes. Who knows about any future guy?


You are right, I do know him, but I do not if I can live with it. That is why I wrote this, in the hopes to find some clarity. I want to know if staying in this relationship because I love him and for my daughter is enough. I am constantly told I deserve better and I feel I do too. I know it will be hard on my daughter, but staying in this relationship, the way it is, is going to be hard on her too. 

I have had many offers from other great men, of which I turned them all down because, like I said, I love him. He loves me too, of that I am very sure, he just has an unbelievably funny way of showing it. I don't like feeling like his child and not his partner, I don't like that me and his daughter are put last, I don't like that we can't be a family and I don't like feeling like I am never good enough, like I can never be right and that my feelings don't count. I don't want to settle, basically what I am really asking is; am I settling? 

Like you say, I can find all these horrible guys, but maybe I can find someone that I can give me and my daughter all the love and respect that we both need.

I would love to hear what you feel about this...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why can she live with him. He won't even let her drive a car she pays for. She had to move out of their home because he moved his mentally ill sister in.
She says he's critical and controlling and selfish. 

I think she can do better for her and her child.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Pro- You know the guy you're with and though he's not perfect, you can live with him.
> 
> Con - The next guy may cook meth in your basement, molest your kid, cut you up into little bits and store you in the freezer. The next one might turn out to be crazy as an out-house rat or he might have a thing for the neighbor's wife (or the neighbor, for that matter). You probably won't come home to find your current husband wearing a dress and singing show tunes. Who knows about any future guy?


You don't stay with someone because the next one might be worse! Oh my god. :banghead:


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I once over stayed in an abusive relationship because of that same fear "the next one might be worse" - he wasn't. He didn't cook meth in the basement or anything else. We are married five years, and have a wonderful son. 

That's exactly the kind of fear tactics abusers themselves use to subjugate people "Like you could do better" and to introduce this great fear of the unknown and the wider world. I was told not to meet my husband (we met online) as he might cut me up and put me in the freezer, or sell my to the white slave trade, or whatever else crazy thing my BPD relative could say. 

I've met my father twice in my life. I've never been arrested, I wasn't a juvenile delinquent. I was the first person in my family to go to college and graduated Magna Cum Laude and have a Master's Degree. Kid's whose parents smoke are more likely to be ADHD, let's throw out that random statistic too. 

Come on, let's not fear monger, please. You cannot spend your whole life chained and controlled by the "what ifs" - you need to make decisions based on the knowledge you have at hand. The apocalypse might be tomorrow - but you still buy groceries - right? Decide based on what is, not what might or might not be. 

Also - the OP specifically mentioned they are engaged -not- married, so the statistics about "single moms" and money by being married don't apply here. This couple is not married. 

Ultimately, only you OP can decide if you feel this relationship is fulfilling enough to continue. But from the sounds of it, it sounds shaky at best. From what I can see - you have little to no sexual connection, a shaky emotional connection, there's a serious respect problem, and he's bordering on financially abusive as he denies access to a vehicle you pay for, while using your earned income to support two full adults, one of whom might be dangerous to have around your child. 

You need to have a serious talk with him, and lay it out - the life you have is unacceptable, and either some serious things need to change, and you need to get into some kind of therapy/counseling to fix them, or you are considering leaving. You aren't getting enough out of the relationship for you and your child, and that isn't acceptable.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"We courted for 3 months and then decided to make it official."

This is the main problem. 3 months is not long enough to know someone well enough to decide if you have enough compatibility to make it long term.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Pros - kids without fathers in the home don't perform as well academically, statistically.
> 
> Kids without fathers in the home have a higher incident of juvenile delinquency.
> 
> ...


Cons
- Treats me with no respect
- Cannot satisfy me in bed
- Doesn't listen to me
- Selfish
- Laid-back
- Unambitious
- Unwilling to sacrifice
- Always criticising
- Infantilises me
- Doesn't confide in me
- Engaged 2 years and still no wedding
- His word is final
- 16 years older than me
- His priorities are not in order
- My daughter and I had to move out of our home to accommodate his sister
- scares me when he is angry
- I have no freedom
- He won't let me drive the car (Although I pay for half it)
- Struggle finicially because we have his father and sister to look after alone (although he has 5 other siblings)
- Resents me working
- Constantly accuses me of being with other men and even women
- Is not there for me when I really need him the most
- We never have time alone as a couple or as a family due to his family staying with him

None of those Cons are worth dealing with the 'pros' you listed. He's 16 years older - what are the chances he'll have any quality time with GRANDCHILDREN? He'll be like GREATgrandpa.

And statistics are just that and have to be taken with a grain of salt. My ex is 12 years older (he's 57) by the time our daughter has children, he'll be a rather old man. Our daughter is quite smart and confident. I have a six digit earning potential - I may or may not reach that this year. I also have only one year of higher education. I am a statistic - on the other end of the curve.

Confusion and convenience over who is with "daddy" on father's day is hardly a reason to tolerate belittling, verbally abusive, controlling behavior.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No respect = no love


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I just have to say... this is 2013. Women are more then capable of supporting themselves and imo have always been capable of such. This business about the next one being worse? Wtf? The woman wants better and deserves better. There is no need to try to frighten her to stay in an already abusive relationship.


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## denisefire (Dec 2, 2012)

Sounds like the cons out weigh the positive side. Although you share a daughter together, which is one really positive thing it does not sound like he treats you like a equal and gives you the respect as the mother of his child. If you are torn in what to do, i suggest making your feelings clear on how you feel. If he keeps shutting you down then marriage is or should not be entertained. The major basic bones of a strong loving relationship are lacking big time.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I just have to say... this is 2013. Women are more then capable of supporting themselves and imo have always been capable of such. This business about the next one being worse? Wtf? The woman wants better and deserves better. There is no need to try to frighten her to stay in an already abusive relationship.


Yes, it's 2013 and women can easily get out of a marriage. 75% of all means tested welfare goes to single women with kids and unmarried women and kids are the fastest growing demographics on our poverty roles. Probably close to 90% of our violent prison inmates came from broken homes and the vast majority of kids lagging behind, academically are from poor, single-parent homes. 

I'm sure quite a large number of women thought they could manage just as well or better by dumping their guy and that's the lie they have been fed. The statistics don't really support that assumption. 

All people are imperfect so all marriages are imperfect. If one is functional it beats none or an unknown. An imperfect marriage can be improved. Everyone on earth can convince themselves they could do better or they deserve more. You can do better right where you're at and get more right where you're at. 
There's more to a husband and father than a salary (although that's not insignificant). A job or a government check doesn't replace a dad. That's another lie women have been fed for decades and we are reaping the sad results. People can lose jobs and Congress can cut off or reduce any government benefits at will.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

http://www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/why_marriage_matters2.pdf


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If you want to base your life and relationships upon statistics that's fine but don't expect everyone to believe this statistics don't lie bull. Yes in my opinion it is bull. I get the sense from your post that you assume women are quite incapable of being self sufficient and I'd have to disagree with that. Some women end up single due to a cheating, manipulative, or abusive husband/ boyfriend who just wanted to use her and dump her. 

There are also plenty of single fathers out there reaping the benefits of welfare as well. Hell there are men out there sitting on their ass while their wife/gf does all the work including tending to kids, housework, ect. One set of statistics over all these issues doesn't prove jack to me. 

Staying in a crappy relationship doesn't necessarily guarantee economic success either. It doesn't mean the couple and their kids are unlikely to be a burden on society. Nor does it mean the children won't wind their asses up in jail either. Broken homes doesn't necessarily mean a couple splits up either keep that in mind. 

Not to mention children learn how to treat others and how to let others treat them from their parents. If she were to stay and continue to put up with this mans disrespect then most likely her children would grow up thinking they can either treat others with disrespect or let others treat them with disrespect and that in essence leads to future broken homes. 

Yes a relationship can be worked on but there is only so much work one person can do for only so long. If both partners aren't willing to make it work or put in the effort then there really is no point and to spare further pain... like cheating for example.. they may as well split. 

By the way.. her next one could be a major upgrade. Not everyone in the world is a crappy serial killer that will chop someone up to pieces geeze. That is a bit of an exaggeration imo. 

As for your comment about a job or government check replacing a dad... who the hell said anything about replacing the father? None that I can recall. A dad isn't a paycheck last I checked. It's quite possible for a man to be a father to his children even if he isn't with the mother. Not sure why you think women have been fed anything... we do have functioning brains and can more then think for ourselves. 

Yes all people and all RELATIONSHIPS have flaws and sometimes some just can't be worked out.. or perhaps some need a separation to work out the bigger flaws before giving it another shot. There is nothing wrong with that in the least. By the way I'm betting there are more unemployed men out there then statistics show and in fact always have been considering there are men out there that do nothing but get drunk and bum off of others. 

Both genders have their faults and many of these are actually quite the same. Now i agree that things should be worked on first but if he refuses to change and/or gets worse then yes she shouldn't waste any more years of her life staying... she should leave. Whose to say that he won't eventually leave her for an affair partner? This is actually quite common in itself.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'd leave. Didn't have to read past "no respect".


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, I for one am glad I ditched that *******. He was holding me back. I made less, did less, lived less with him. I have blossomed both personally and professionally. Our daughter has adjusted and is not a statistic. And he's involved in her life.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

this guy has so many cons that there are not enough pros in this world to make him a keeper. No - you are wrong. He is NOT loving. You may somehow in a twisted way interpret his control as love, but make no mistake about it - one someone treats his partner the way you have described it is definitely NOT love. The worst con of all is that you are scared of him when he is angry. He's a manipulative skunk. Don't think you rank anywhere near the top of his priority list. He doesn't let you drive the car that YOU pay for? Are you kidding me? He doesn't want you to work? You are supporting his slacker dad who won't take a job that is offered to him? and why should he? they both have you to kick around. Like father like son. Get your kid out of this highly toxic relationship ASAP. There are no redeeming qualities on your pro list that make him worth your spit. I'm guessing that things on your pro list only happen when you "behave" and keep your mouth shut. This is a sick sick sick relationship. Don't delude yourself into thinking that this is normal. GET OUT!!!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Again, this couple isn't married, the OP clearly said they were engaged, but not married. So - what's up with all the statistics about the decline of marriage and single moms being thrown around?

I understand you are a police officer, Unbelieveable, but - let's not encourage women to stay in unfulfilling abusive relationships because of prison statistics. I mean - is this what you tell domestic abuse victims you encounter at your station?

"Just work it out - the next one might be a serial killer?"


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