# It's hard not to have equal say in financial decisions



## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm a stay at home mom who worked and supported myself up until I got married and had kids in my late 30s. Now, I stay at home with twins. My husband always overrides me when I want to buy something, which isn't even that often and when I do, it's something small like a ten or fifteen dollar item. It's so hard going from supporting myself and making all the financial decisions to being told that I can't buy something. He makes a lot of money and we can afford it but he just doesn't want me to spend any money unless I absolutely have to. I'll do anything to stay home with my kids so if that's the way it has to be for right now, that's fine but it's a really hard change to get used to. I'm looking forward to going back to work when the kids go to school so I'll feel like I have some say if I want something. Anyone else struggle with the same thing?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I could not have accepted that. Your contribution to the household as a SAHM has a financial value that I would never let my partner ignore! 

This link offers the financial equivalents of what the average SAHM would earn in the workplace for her contributions: What Is Mom's Job Worth? - Salary.com 

I'd use this and the calculator linked from that site to explain that I *would* have a certain amount of financial independence, or I'd be finding a job again. 

I wasn't a SAHM with my own kids because finances wouldn't have allowed it at the time. When I remarried a few years ago, I became a SAHP for almost 2 years, and was lucky that my guy is someone who wants me to have everything my heart could wish for and work triple shifts if necessary to pay for it. I'd never do that to him, and I have gone back to work, but it would have been MUCH sooner if his attitude had been like your husband's.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Can you work out a monthly budget that you can then withdraw funds for without needing to check with him? 

Figure out what you'll generally need to spend each month plus some extra for miscellaneous items that pop up, and then he has no need to micromanage you as long as you are within the budget.

If you need to go over budget because of some unexpected expense, then you discuss that. 

If this is really about being financially responsible for him, he should be fine with that since he knows you will be within budget so has no need to approve every penny. If this is about control, then you've got bigger issues that a budget and a plan won't solve.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What he is doing is unfair and i would consider it financial abuse.

It's one thing if you were careless with money, however it sounds like you are not and your contribution and value should be considered equal to his.

I would find his stingy behaviour very unattractive. 

Maybe you need some counseling to help you work out these issues. But I definitely do not think his behaviour is OK.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> What he is doing is unfair and i would consider it financial abuse.
> 
> It's one thing if you were careless with money, however it sounds like you are not and your contribution and value should be considered equal to yours.
> 
> ...


and never underestimate a man's desire to spend money in his mistress.

You're his wife AND you're taking care of his children....... you should not come cheap.


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

Staying at home and looking after children _is_ work and so should be compensated in some way.

You should definitely be paid out of the household finances and get money you can call your own. You can spend it or save it as you wish. 

You have to convince him that such a system has great benefits and will make for a much more harmonious home environment.

I don't recommend presenting your husband with an invoice at the end of the month though. That might not go down too well. But you should work something out with him.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I could not have accepted that. Your contribution to the household as a SAHM has a financial value that I would never let my partner ignore!
> 
> This link offers the financial equivalents of what the average SAHM would earn in the workplace for her contributions: What Is Mom's Job Worth? - Salary.com
> 
> ...


I think what OP's husband is doing is wrong,but that list is complete BS.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

NewM said:


> I think what OP's husband is doing is wrong,but that list is complete BS.


What's BS about it?:scratchhead:


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

*LittleDeer* said:


> What's BS about it?:scratchhead:


Because it is that's why!! My wife's running joke is to make enough money SO I CAN STAY HOME and be a SAHD!! Why? Because I kick ass, I clean, yard, toilets, clothes, love running to Taekwondo, soccer, volleyball, doing homework etc, love to cook dinner, and play silly games. 

My wife can get a little irked with them after doing that for too long. We both work and probably split the kid load 60/40 towards me.

I would quit my job in a heatbeat to stay home everyday and keep my current standard of living. It's fun, but the OP is getting screwed. $10-$15 and she has to ask gimme a break.

I would ask for a allowance at the least.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I went through that in the early years of our marriage. I figured out that it was a complicated problem with lots of preconceived notions that neither of us fully understood.
He is cheap. He is, he knows this.
I am extravagant, I am, I know this.
He felt the money was out of control.
He also never shopped with me so he was clueless what things cost.
He felt that me spending money was tossing his work into a pit. Really just visualize he brings home money, I take it away and replace that money with stuff.

So, I had to realize that he needed to feel more in control about money. I really don't think it's a value for value kind of thing. It's not that he's devaluing your contribution. I think it's the pressure he feels being the sole bread winner. It is intense and that can make a person really pull in the purse strings.

The other issue for us was he felt his role as the sole bread winner was devalued by me. And he was right. Once I began to reinforce to him that I understood how much pressure he must face, and also pointed out how proud he must feel knowing he is supporting a wife and 3 kids and our home, cars, vacations... 

Maybe appreciating his contribution to the family and appreciating the pressure it must cause, might help him feel valued enough to relax a little and let you buy the ceramic Harry Potter tea kettle?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Because it is that's why!! My wife's running joke is to make enough money SO I CAN STAY HOME and be a SAHD!! Why? Because I kick ass, I clean, yard, toilets, clothes, love running to Taekwondo, soccer, volleyball, doing homework etc, love to cook dinner, and play silly games.
> 
> My wife can get a little irked with them after doing that for too long. We both work and probably split the kid load 60/40 towards me.
> 
> ...



My comment was why was the list provided in the link BS? As New M claimed.


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> My comment was why was the list provided in the link BS? As New M claimed.


The CEO entry for a start. Running a household isn't a business so doesn't make any money. You cannot pay a CEO if you don't make any money.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

brightlight said:


> The CEO entry for a start. Running a household isn't a business so doesn't make any money. You cannot pay a CEO if you don't make any money.


No but running a household produces an outcome. Hopefully a desirable one.

A lot of it is tongue in cheek, but a lot of household duties and parenting goes unnoticed and is not valued, and it takes a lot of work. She should be just as valued as he is.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You both contribute to the running of the household (he earns money you look after the kids / home). Unless you family finances are in a total mess you should both get some "pocket money" to do with as you please (have a coffee out with friends etc).

My wife and I both work (me full time her part time from home) so the household chores are split (the kids all have jobs even the 2 year old). All major financial decisions (can we afford to move / budget for vacation) are made collectively and we both pay something into the household account (for bills / food shopping).


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> What's BS about it?:scratchhead:


Thinking you are CEO and what not is just crazy.Just because you help your kids with math doesn't make you a math teacher or because you help your kids when they are sick doesn't make you a doctor etc...

Median household income in USA is $52,762 ,so why don't all husbands,who earn below 135k and have SAHM wife,quit their jobs and let their wives start working for $135k.It won't happen because its BS.Female who worked on minimum wage job for around $15k doesn't just go to $135k when she gives birth,that is ridiculous.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

She deserves an allowance.If the kids where in daycare you 
would have to pay for this anyway and it's not cheap.
Whats this husband gonna do when the kids start growing and
costs for everything they need add up.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

nevergveup said:


> She deserves an allowance.If the kids where in daycare you
> would have to pay for this anyway and it's not cheap.
> Whats this husband gonna do when the kids start growing and
> costs for everything they need add up.


Agree with this,and if he doesn't agree with it then she should start applying for jobs.

center1 what are his spending habits,is he stingy or big spender?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

NewM said:


> Thinking you are CEO and what not is just crazy.Just because you help your kids with math doesn't make you a math teacher or because you help your kids when they are sick doesn't make you a doctor etc...
> 
> Median household income in USA is $52,762 ,so why don't all husbands,who earn below 135k and have SAHM wife,quit their jobs and let their wives start working for $135k.It won't happen because its BS.Female who worked on minimum wage job for around $15k doesn't just go to $135k when she gives birth,that is ridiculous.


I think it's pretty clear that it's tongue in cheek.

But most people should realise that traditional womens roles are undervalued. 

Of course a womans wage doesn't go to 135k, however I think that what most SAHMs do is invaluable. So I think you are missing the point.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Here is how my wife and I solved the problem. I let her take control of the finances, because she is an accounting major, and just prefers to do it. But it became intolerable when I had to ask her whenever I needed money. I mean, I earned all the money at the time, and I had to ask to buy something?

The solution is that I set up an allotment so part of my salary went to a separate account as an allowance. For family things, she would use our joint account, but if I wanted to buy something like a magazine or a new laptop, or whatever, then I would take my money from my own account.

It's worked well for us for many years. Your husband should do the same thing - set up an automatic allotment so part of his salary goes into your account every month. It doesn't have to be a whole lot, but the point is, that way you can make ordinary purchases without having to beg for them each time.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think it's pretty clear that it's tongue in cheek.
> 
> But most people should realise that traditional womens roles are undervalued.
> 
> Of course a womans wage doesn't go to 135k, however I think that what most SAHMs do is invaluable. So I think you are missing the point.


That list is trying to devalue breadwinner's work.In USA there are only 6.61% of people who earn $100k+ so even less % are earning $135k+.If you think your breadwinner is undervaluing you as SAHP,you don't show them a list that goes over the top and undervalues their work.

I'm not saying that being SAHP is easy or non valuable.I'm saying that this list is bad.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> !
> 
> This link offers the financial equivalents of what the average SAHM would earn in the workplace for her contributions: What Is Mom's Job Worth? - Salary.com


What a load of Tosh, When I fix the bathroom tap do I get paid a minimum $50 call out and the $75 an hour to do it. When I service the car do I get paid the same rate as the garage etc etc. We all do jobs around the house so that the family budget will go further.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> What a load of Tosh, When I fix the bathroom tap do I get paid a minimum $50 call out and the $75 an hour to do it. When I service the car do I get paid the same rate as the garage etc etc. We all do jobs around the house so that the family budget will go further.


Maybe I'm strange but I value those jobs accordingly, and think "wow we are lucky, because if Mr Lion couldn't fix the mower, it would have cost me $100", that doesn't mean I'm going to pay him $100 but I see the stuff he does inside and outside the house as very valuable and a great contribution to our relationship and famil and way of life.

What a pity most people don't see it that way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm from the generation when SAHMs were the norm but I never was one. I only had one child but my husband traveled a lot and I felt like a single parent at times. 

It wasn't easy to work and also do everything else associated with taking care of a home and child, with no help, but one of the reasons I didn't want to be a SAHM is that I didn't want to be financially dependent on my husband.

"Women's work" is traditionally undervalued and SAHMs have never gotten the credit they deserve. But the person who earns the money (male or female) is usually the one with the power in the relationship. 

And that can be taken to an extreme as it is in the case of the OP. The solution? In the 1950's it was called a weekly or monthly allowance. Whatever it's called today, the OP needs her own money.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Maybe I'm strange but I value those jobs accordingly, and think "wow we are lucky, because if Mr Lion couldn't fix the mower, it would have cost me $100", that doesn't mean I'm going to pay him $100 but I see the stuff he does inside and outside the house as very valuable and a great contribution to our relationship and famil and way of life.
> 
> What a pity most people don't see it that way.


Like you both my wife and I do value the jobs around the house that each other do (and those done by the children now thay can). My objection was to the "meaningless" figures quoted in the link.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

NewM said:


> I think what OP's husband is doing is wrong,but that list is complete BS.


I didn't analyze the dollar values, but I believe the principle is sound and can be used to open discussion on the subject.




Wiltshireman said:


> What a load of Tosh, When I fix the bathroom tap do I get paid a minimum $50 call out and the $75 an hour to do it. When I service the car do I get paid the same rate as the garage etc etc. We all do jobs around the house so that the family budget will go further.



No, but if you were giving up your entire financial income to be home so you could do all those little things that come up, you'd certainly want your value to be recognized. I don't think the OP is saying she wants to control their money or anything. She's saying she wants to be able to buy a $15 item occasionally without having to ask permission like a child. She gave up HER work in order to provide for THEIR family. She could just as easily go back to work and force those expenses she's saving back onto the budget, or she can find some way to put a dollar amount to what she does do and negotiate her own "income" from that, even if it's just a hundred or two a month.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I couldn't handle being in a situation like that. I see that as controlling.

I haven't worked in 11 years. I have full access to the funds. I buy whatever I want whenever I want. However, I'm not a big spender. I usually just buy things I or the family needs vs things we want. Usually I buy things for the kitchen anyways.

Hubby and I discuss before buying any luxury items $200-300 and over without consulting each other most the time. This doesn't include birthdays or Christmas for the kids. We both are on the same page as far as finances go.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I think the 135k for the SAHP role is a bit exaggerated, yes. But if you add up the 'cost' of going back to work, thousands in day care/babysitting, extra gas money, appropriate wardrobe - he'd probably find that just letting you have a stipend without causing a huge fuss would work out in his favour, financially.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its controlling and I wouldn't like it at all. Been home for 9 years and I have full access to the money.


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## Repenting (Jan 7, 2013)

The responses so far seem to break into two categories: 

1) "I know there is not infinte money, but clearing every $10 and $15 purchase individually is impractical and starting to cause some friction that is totally avoidable. Let's look at the finances and agree on a monthly "miscellaneous" budget, and I will stay within that." 

2) "What I do is worth something and you need to start acknowledging that by giving me an allowance."

I would encourage the OP to look at both responses and decide which one sounds like the conversation in a healthy marriage.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Hubby and I discuss before buying any luxury items $200-300 and over without consulting each other most the time. This doesn't include birthdays or Christmas for the kids.


The biggest source of financial disagreement between my wife and myself was the amount she spent on gifts for the kids (rarely if ever gifts for herself). We now sit down in the run up to Christmas and set a "budget" for the children’s gifts and we have a "ball park" figure for birthdays as well. 

It is a bit of a bind but it is so worth it for us all. Not only do we not argue (as much), the kids also learn the value of money and by buying less "things" we have more quality time together (less overtime or overseas working needed form me).


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Anything I earn is "our" money. Anything she earns is "her" money.

I was told that is the way it should be. lol..........I thought all marriages were that way....


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

norajane said:


> Can you work out a monthly budget that you can then withdraw funds for without needing to check with him?


That's sort of what we do. We have a joint account, but every month I deposit what we call her "salary" in her account.

It is obviously less than what she would actually earn as a salary if we paid her at market rates. But the joint account is where the mortgage, utilities, gas, groceries, clothes, etc. comes from. The point of doing it this way is so that she doesn't feel like she has to ask permission for stuff she wants to buy. 

I make other deposits in there too, like when I get a decent check from a client or Christmas or a trip we go on, etc. But there is a minimum monthly amount and it always goes in there before the first of the month. I never want her to need asking for that.


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## Edgar777 (Mar 5, 2013)

My wife and I rarely have financial disagreements. She still works, and keeps for herself everything she earns. I pay for housing and food for us both. She is responsible for cooking, cleaning, and laundry (I pay laundry costs, coins, soap, etc.). She shops, but turns in receipts for reimbursement.

What I don't pay for is her clothing (bottomless pit), makeup, "products," etc.

No child care because we have no kids.

You don't pay a mother for child care because it's HER child. You only pay people for taking care of other people's children. You don't pay her for cooking, because she's cooking for herself as well as husband.


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