# Bars vs kids after deployment



## Marriagekindofgirl (Oct 26, 2014)

I would like to know if anyone else is dealing with a situation similar to what I am and how you handled it. 

My husband (we are divorcing currently separated) just got back home from a 6 month deployment. The plan was for him to get the kids today 10 October for the remainder of the weekend. So after we pick him up and let him get settled in I say ok well I'm about to get lut your hair (didn't wanna bother him too much since we aren't together anymore) and he explains how he doesn't wanna keep the kids because he has to grocery shop (I've been grocery shopping with them for the whole time he has been deployed with the kids). I even offered to watch the kids while he grocery shop. He said no he will get them another day. I know his reason is because he wants to smoke weed with his friend and go out to the bars. Please let me know if I'm out of line but I feel like after a 6 month deployment you should want to spend time with your kids not go hang in the bars getting drunk. I decided not to say anything and just took the kids and left. 

He has expressed the fact that I'm a perfect wife and mother (we are divorcing over infidelity on his part and him not willing/ready to commit after 6 years of marriage). But I want to do something out of character so bad which is not answer my phone when he calls for the kids tomorrow or Monday because I'm so hurt over him pushing the kids off. Before someone says "geez he just got back give him space" please know I didn't throw the kids on him. He wanted to take them and spend time with them. the current plan is for me to have them weekdays to keep them on their routine and he get them on the weekend. He suggested and agreed to those terms. Is that too harsh of an agreement?

I'm new to this whole divorce thing and splitting the kids so please let me know If im out of line. Im just hurt he would chose the bars over the kids. Plus I wanted a break to be able to sleep, relax, and clean after not having a little break in 6 months. I may be deploying next and I just know I'd rather spend time with my kids when I get back rather than bar hop. 

Suggestion advice and support would be appreciated.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

6 month deployment. Possibly his first. Maybe not. But I get it. I understand he said he wanted time with them. But now he's faced with the reality. He knows he hasn't fully "returned" yet. He may be having doubts. He's feeling defeated in his personal relationships(the divorce). He may feel as though it'd be best for the kids to just be with you all the time. He's most likely working through some things with deployment. Possibly some mild PTSD-like feelings. It's not as though he was away for a week across country for work. He was deployed. Out of his home setting. For 6-months. It doesn't even take combat to need a period of adjustment when you return. You know he's going to go to the bars and to smoke weed because...? Did he say as much? Or are we guessing? Doesn't he participate in UAs?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Speaking from experience, Deployments aren't the easiest thing to come home from. Combat makes it even worse. 

I honestly think you need to cut the guy some slack. Who knows what he is really dealing with and the battles he could be fighting within??

Doubtful he will ever tell you about them if he fighting the war within either.

Or..its possible he may just truly not care but think over the entire picture and all possible scenarios.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I hope he didn't say that in front of the kids. How old are they?

He may feel overwhelmed at the idea of being responsible for people besides himself. IF he's not ready then it probably is better that you keep them. Maybe tell him that you WANT him to have a strong bond and good relationship with the kids but you understand that this could all be very overwhelming and that you'll remain flexible for now but there will come a time when you will need him to stick to the schedule because you will have made plans.

And ask him to communicate this before you actually get there. Driving over might get the kids' hopes up. Right now foster good communication by letting them talk to him on the phone or face time/skype often. WHen kids are young it eases their tension to know what is happening so it's a nice idea to start the day off by saying "you're going to see daddy tonight!" but until he's consistent, you'll have to let it be a bit last-minute, unfortunately.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> Speaking from experience, Deployments aren't the easiest thing to come home from. Combat makes it even worse.
> 
> I honestly think you need to cut the guy some slack. Who knows what he is really dealing with and the battles he could be fighting within??
> 
> ...


I should have added to my original post, Don't take his behavior as being acceptable, but do realize that he may be dealing with stuff that most cannot even imagine.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe you can do day visits for a while? Saturday at the park or something? Let him get his equilibrium back.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I think the problem is that denying him time with the kids punishes the kids even more than it punishes him. The kids deserve to have a relationship with their father.

However, that doesn't mean he gets to do whatever he wants. You have a schedule and he has a responsibility to stick to it. 

If I were you, I'd start documenting when he takes the kids and when he doesn't. Eventually, if he develops a pattern of not exercising his parenting time, I'd take him to court and adjust his parenting time and child support to match. 

It will teach him to start valuing his time with the kids more.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't know @EnigmaGirl - there are a lot of fathers out there that fight for extra time with their kids JUST so they don't have to pay support, NOT because they WANT to spend that time with them. I wouldn't want to encourage that - give him some time to get his crap together first. If a year goes by and he makes no more effort to see them, then sure, she deserves more support as she's supplying more meals, baths, everything. 

But for now, I think it's better if the time he spends with them is quality time, even if it's for a shorter period of time. This is a little different than a typical custody situation. If he has been under substantial stress then he might not handle the stress of a screaming toddler very well. It would be to the children's benefit that their father is ready to take them on vs. having it foisted on him. Happy kids are wanted kids. They'll sense he doesn't want them around. Or he'll smoke dope and drink beer at home with his buddies with the kids there or loose his cool with them. It's better to give him some time to adjust to civilian life for a bit.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I don't know @EnigmaGirl - there are a lot of fathers out there that fight for extra time with their kids JUST so they don't have to pay support, NOT because they WANT to spend that time with them. I wouldn't want to encourage that - give him some time to get his crap together first. If a year goes by and he makes no more effort to see them, then sure, she deserves more support as she's supplying more meals, baths, everything.


I would argue that there's an equal amount of women who try to gatekeeper the kids away from their father's to get more CS. (not that I believe at all that this OP is doing that).

And the end of the day, its not her right to decide. Women don't own the children. Both parents have equal rights to the children unless they demonstrate that they haven't utilized their fair parenting time. Then I would agree she has every right to take him to court to allocate the correct amount of time that he's using to scaled CS.

She doesn't have any right to make that decision unilaterally. That's a common misconception that far too many women have.





> But for now, I think it's better if the time he spends with them is quality time, even if it's for a shorter period of time. This is a little different than a typical custody situation. If he has been under substantial stress then he might not handle the stress of a screaming toddler very well. It would be to the children's benefit that their father is ready to take them on vs. having it foisted on him. Happy kids are wanted kids. They'll sense he doesn't want them around. Or he'll smoke dope and drink beer at home with his buddies with the kids there or loose his cool with them. It's better to give him some time to adjust to civilian life for a bit.


Again, not her decision to make. I definitely agree that he may be having issues but she's not a therapist or a psychiatrist and has zero right to make that determination. If she has concerns, then she can go to a lawyer and request an evaluation. She cannot, however, simply decide to withhold the children.

He's their father and has equal rights to them.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree - we are suggesting she work with the father to figure out what is good for him AND the kids. Not to withhold them, nor to allow him to be absent. None of this has been about support dollars but about what is good for the kids. 

She WANTS him to have that time and he didn't want to exercise the parenting time they agreed on. But to force him to take it when he isn't ready isn't good either. Instead a discussion as to what works for all parties is warranted.


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## Scotty0310 (Apr 1, 2014)

Coming back from any kind of deployment is rough. I’ve done it 6 times and I’m about to leave out on another. While you are gone the only thing you can think about is wanting to be home with your family. Being deployed and constantly busy keeps your mind off things you’re missing at home, or problems which you left behind (which is what I’m doing). You tend to forget what life was like back home as your day to day ops on the deployment are usually consistent, meaning you know what you’re going to do today.

Returning home is a huge culture shock, the way of life and how things are done are different. While the family moves on as normal back home, the deployed member more or less hits pause while he’s gone. When he comes back he’s left where he left off, and usually not up to par with your current way of life. When I went to Korea for a year, my daughter was just about to have her 1st birthday, I came home on her 2nd birthday, I still treated her like she was one year old because I missed all that extra time. 

At the same time, being deployed, you’re never alone, even when you go to the bathroom or shower, you’re never alone. Bathrooms are anything from just a bunch of porta-jons, holes in the ground, or small trailers with a dozen or so toilets. He comes home and can finally have some peace and quiet time but while doing so can mess with his head. 

Try to understand, every day for 6 months straight, and I mean usually working 7 days in a row with the 8th day your day off, and that day usually consists of either sleeping in or doing laundry in a laundry facility which contains mostly broken washers and dryers….all being used by the camp’s population. Coming home you now have some freedom to unwind and not worry about what you’re going to do tomorrow.
This sounds like maybe his first or second deployment, I did something similar when I came home from Iraq back in 2007, life was odd at home, but things smoothed out after a few odd weeks. The worst thing you can do is give him a hard time, but at the same time let him know life did go on while he was gone, and offer to help him transition to back home so he can be both physically AND mentally there for you and the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marriagekindofgirl,

Could you tell us a bit about the deployment from which he just returned? I'm asking because not all deployments are alike. Some are to combat zones where there is fighting. Some are not and are not all that stressful, if stressful at all.


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