# Heavy on my heart



## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

Hello everyone,
I have been thinking about separating from my husband for a while now, and we haven’t even been married for a full 2yrs yet! I feel that he only married me for comfort. I have to admit, he does take care of the bills, and when I’m working, so do I. So , the issue I have is that he goes and comes as he wishes. He will tell me he’s going to take out the trash then will be m.i.a for a couple of hrs. He won’t hit me up unless, I hit him up first to ask, what’s going on. He doesn’t really help me with our kids, all he wants to do is play his video games and work on his music. I go to sleep late due to the younger kids not wanting to stay in bed. I wake up early with them, feed them, if they have to go to daycare, I would wash them, get them dressed, drop them off then rush to get to work. Meanwhile, he’s home on his pc! This past mother’s day, I received gifts from my kids that they made in school and all I got from him was a hug and a happy Mother’s Day. I have been wanting to go on vacation and started planning but he always had an issue with the whole thing. Omg, can you imagine crystal clear, blue ocean water on an island! But then his(want to be single) friend planned a trip and invited him, and he told me he’s going. What married man goes on vacation with his single friend for the weekend, let alone, ignore planning a vacation with his wife. He even felt some kind of way when I wanted to go out of state with my daughter to see my family! There is so much more but I don’t want to bore you with an even longer story. Am I wrong for feeling the way I feel? P.S. we haven’t even had a wedding nor reception! T.I.A for the positive feedback.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He married a chief cook and bottle washer. 
And a place to stick his woo-hoo.

You married a dud. He is useless.....to you.

Make plans to unload him on somebody else's doorstep.

Return to work, get your own place. File for divorce.
You will have one less mouth to feed, less cleanup and less laundry.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Wait, no wedding? Are you married to him?

The kids - do you have any kids with him? 


Maybe life would be easier on your own...he's no help.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You are struggling and suffering because your worth is far from recognized and respect is absent... this is why we find it hard to be around those who do not appreciate it.

In what ways does he show you he loves you, not just says it... words come easy, it's actions that make the difference.

How do you think the best way to tell him you are at a point where life without him seems easier?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Was he like this before you married him or has he changed?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Unfortunately you married a guy who wants the conveniences of a wife to cook and clean for him but likes to live the single life. I personally know two guys like that and marvel at how long they have gotten away with it. Their wives work double shifts to support them and their children. The guys buy all sorts of man toys and yet when one of their kids wanted a CD player he bought one in a garage sale for $1 even though a new more feature laden one could be had for under $20. Yet he has a multi thousand dollar motorcycle in his living room and two classic cars in his garage. 

Sometimes wives like you are called security nets. The person that they can go back to if things do not work out with others. If he cannot get sex elsewhere he gets it from you. You sound like you are living like friends with benefits. I wonder if he was like this before you got married because adults rarely change who they are. Love blinds us to each other's faults and sometimes women get caught up in the wedding and blinded to what others see. 

I doubt that he will change so either you put up with it or leave. I know plenty of spouses, both men and women, who think it better to look the other way than face the truth. Your choice and decision.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you love the guy?

Do you think he loves you?

I agree the single friend vacation thing is suspect and sounds very frustrating for you--- a rotten deed on his part.

If the love isn't there, what else is there to talk about? 

I guess you two got married at a justice of the peace. Nothing wrong with that. Men (well, ME, isn't that everyone??) aren't that much into fancy weddings and such as women... Sounds like he's just selfish and taking you for granted, which isn't really an uncommon thing.
How do you fix it? Well, fix it so that he can't take you for granted, heh heh.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

The situation you describe is the perfect textbook case for why a woman would file for divorce or cheat. I suggest you talk to an attorney get all the information on the process you can, get yourself financially prepared and then tell him either he grows up and steps up or it's over. He sounds like a guy who would be happy to give you full custody.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

blessed18 said:


> Hello everyone,
> I have been thinking about separating from my husband for a while now, and we haven’t even been married for a full 2yrs yet! I feel that he only married me for comfort.


Comfort is a huge part of marriage for most people.



blessed18 said:


> I have to admit, he does take care of the bills, and when I’m working, so do I. So , the issue I have is that he goes and comes as he wishes. He will tell me he’s going to take out the trash then will be m.i.a for a couple of hrs.


Have you asked him, in a reasonable manner, simply to let you know his expected schedule? This would be normal in a marriage. Tell him it's OK if he has other stuff to do, you just need to know enough information to schedule around him. At some later point, you can talk about when he needs to schedule around you, but to get this started, make his schedule the focus.



blessed18 said:


> He won’t hit me up unless, I hit him up first to ask, what’s going on.


Who the heck says "hit me up" in a serious relationship? You make it sound like you're infatuated high school students.



blessed18 said:


> He doesn’t really help me with our kids, all he wants to do is play his video games and work on his music.


You've been married less than two years and you have more than one child? You're either fast, or you just told us that he married you so the kids would have a dad.

People have interests. His are apparently video games and music. You must have non-kid/non-marital interests, too. It is important for both of you to be able to put solo time into your interests. This is nothing more than an adult discussion of scheduing such time. Of course, if he's not interested in the discussion, then it is indeed a problem. He should not be simply doing what he wants, when he wants, since the two of you have children, whose needs must come before the adult needs...for both of you.



blessed18 said:


> I go to sleep late due to the younger kids not wanting to stay in bed. I wake up early with them, feed them, if they have to go to daycare, I would wash them, get them dressed, drop them off then rush to get to work. Meanwhile, he’s home on his pc! This past mother’s day, I received gifts from my kids that they made in school and all I got from him was a hug and a happy Mother’s Day.


You've been married less than two years and you have two (or more) children who are old enough to be making things for you at school?

You skipped a LOT of backstory on this. Are they just your kids, or are they his kids, too?

Whose kids they are, how they came about and all that, will make a HUGE difference on what it takes to get him involved in them.



blessed18 said:


> I have been wanting to go on vacation and started planning but he always had an issue with the whole thing.


Why? That's not a facetious question. Vacations might be to sit back, relax and do nothing, or they might be to go on an adventure you couldn't otherwise do. You won't get him interested unless the two of you agree on the reason and purpose.



blessed18 said:


> Omg, can you imagine crystal clear, blue ocean water on an island!


Been there done that, I'll skip it. Give me bushwhacking through the wilderness any day. I'm into the adventure stuff. With my kids in tow.



blessed18 said:


> But then his(want to be single) friend planned a trip and invited him, and he told me he’s going. What married man goes on vacation with his single friend for the weekend, let alone, ignore planning a vacation with his wife.


One who doen't think his wife understands his motivations.

Do you realize that so far, in this posting of yours, you've said not one positive thing about this guy? Why did you marry him? Are you as negative with him as you've been on here? If so, then there's little reason to question why he doesn't find your companionship - companionable!

I know, it's probably not so bad - I only have your one posting to read. '

But - you cannot change someone else. If you want them to behave differently toward you, then you must change how you behave around them.

At a basic level, it sounds to me like neither one of you actually knows the person you married very well.

And you failed utterly to plan this marriage. Which is on both of you.

Again, I'm blinded by the limited data available, particularly the complete absence of the more important part of this relationship, which all happened before the marriage.



blessed18 said:


> He even felt some kind of way when I wanted to go out of state with my daughter to see my family! There is so much more but I don’t want to bore you with an even longer story. Am I wrong for feeling the way I feel? P.S. we haven’t even had a wedding nor reception! T.I.A for the positive feedback.


I can't tell how you feel, since you have not written one word about your feelings. You've only described his behavior in terms that indicate you're unsatisfied with it.

How can you be married and have not had a wedding? I got married once by a justice of the peace, in a county office. We had one witness. That was a wedding.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How long have you been together in total?

How old your your children?


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

We both came into the relationship with 1 child each then had 2 together! We have been together for 6 yrs. I am very supportive of what he does. It's just when I see his non supportive ways when it comes to our kids, then I feel some kind of way! You can't be willing to go out and support others and not support your household. (Would you have liked me to say unless I contact him first?) It's an expression, both mean the same thing. When a mom spends most of her time home, (I don't go out, don't have too many friends or relatives near) taking care of the kids and household, I think it's only fair that I get to go on vacation. I want to go to sleep and wake up when i want to, have a different scenery! How is it that it's something we both have to agree on when I state I want a vacation, but he's good to just tell me, he's going on vacation and there is no discussion? I love him, I really do, but there comes a time when you ask yourself, when is enough, enough! And my cup is about to runneth over!


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> Wait, no wedding? Are you married to him?
> 
> The kids - do you have any kids with him?
> 
> ...



We are officially married! we have 2 kids together, 4 altogether


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Do you feel comfortable leaving the kids with him and take a few days vacation by yourself?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I"m sorry you are stuck in this situation. It sounds like there is not love, no passion, you are just a functional couple that split chores in various ways. 

Was there ever love and passion?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Do you feel comfortable leaving the kids with him and take a few days vacation by yourself?


Ah, yes, the infant gets canned chili for lunch...

Their diapers never get changed, they just fall off...

You know.....the over-heavy, gooey wet load breaks the sticky tape....

He leaves the diapers were they fall, he takes them both outside and cleans them with the garden hose.

Uh, no! That is how he would take care of them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

blessed18 said:


> We both came into the relationship with 1 child each then had 2 together! We have been together for 6 yrs. I am very supportive of what he does. It's just when I see his non supportive ways when it comes to our kids, then I feel some kind of way! You can't be willing to go out and support others and not support your household. (Would you have liked me to say unless I contact him first?) It's an expression, both mean the same thing. When a mom spends most of her time home, (I don't go out, don't have too many friends or relatives near) taking care of the kids and household, I think it's only fair that I get to go on vacation. I want to go to sleep and wake up when i want to, have a different scenery! How is it that it's something we both have to agree on when I state I want a vacation, but he's good to just tell me, he's going on vacation and there is no discussion? I love him, I really do, but there comes a time when you ask yourself, when is enough, enough! And my cup is about to runneth over!


I'm just giving my opinion here, so.....

You truly do sound like you're about to flip "THE SWITCH" and from my experience, once you give up on loving your husband and lose that love, it's gone forever----- no matter if he changes or not.

So here is what I suggest: 

GO FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW. NOW... NOW..... While the man might have a fighting chance to change his selfish ways and show you how he feels about you. He MIGHT make some changes, but you will SURELY have to make him stick to them until he has changed his habits and way of thinking.

Sometimes (I suspect often) we stupid men just don't get it. We have blinders on until a catastrophe causes us to see the other person's perspective. Most of the time it's too late because the wife has just fallen completely out of love.

So I suggest filing because that's serious enough to shake him up and it will bring about some change, or you can just go through with the divorce. A divorce takes a while and can be stopped at any time. I would tell him he either figures it out and leads the way, or the divorce will take place and you're done.

Do it before you've lost your feelings for him. It's only fair to give the guy a chance BEFORE it's too late for you to love him again.

Good luck.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

blessed18 said:


> We are officially married! we have 2 kids together, 4 altogether


How old are the two kids you have together?


Why did YOU have more than one knowing he was like this?



I still think you'll be happier without him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get some good marriage counselling.


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

Do you know what's crazy to me? I always had a picture perfect marriage in mind, when i finally thought I wanted to get married. But growing up, i told myself, i never wanted to get married because i didn't want to raise my kids by myself. It’s when i became grown, that changed. And now, i’m going through what i’m going through! Some people think i’m foolish to complain about this as well as thinking to leave him. I’ve been told, it could be worse, and “Oh, you haven’t gone through nothing yetl! These are sign of what’s to come. Why should i stick around just to say, i’ve experienced it all? To waste my life away on a person that won’t change and don’t see a problem with what he’s doing? That’s crazy to me! Thank you all for the great advice. I know what i’m going to do next!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You purposely have avoided answering questions about how old your younger kids are. 

Maybe he's not the bio dad of even the younger ones? 

Either way - you don't seem forthcoming and honest about your situation.

Can't help you when you act sneaky this way.


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## BE12 (Jun 7, 2018)

Sounds like this guys a loser. You might need to give him an ultimatum.


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> You purposely have avoided answering questions about how old your younger kids are.
> 
> Maybe he's not the bio dad of even the younger ones?
> 
> ...



How is not giving out the ages of my kids being sneaky and a reason to not give any meaning advice?? It doesn't matter what my kids ages are. Your marriage is not binding due to the ages of children and/or who fathered the children. Thank you but no thank you for your advice!


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. he is very comfortable. Mine is like this and it's been 18years. Every now and then I get fed up and make plans with friends just so I'm busy and gone. Then he wonders why I'm not around-- I did 'outings' with friends when the kids were babies too!! Are you able to get out with a friend for dinner? It does help. Have you thought about marriage counseling? I believe this is worth a try before you separate. The therapist could help him see the bigger picture-- and the fact that you need a partner and not a 5th child. If he still doesn't 'get it' then by all means go for it!!


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> Yes.. he is very comfortable. Mine is like this and it's been 18years. Every now and then I get fed up and make plans with friends just so I'm busy and gone. Then he wonders why I'm not around-- I did 'outings' with friends when the kids were babies too!! Are you able to get out with a friend for dinner? It does help. Have you thought about marriage counseling? I believe this is worth a try before you separate. The therapist could help him see the bigger picture-- and the fact that you need a partner and not a 5th child. If he still doesn't 'get it' then by all means go for it!!


I have asked him but he said he don’t need to see someone, im the one who needs it! I’ve tried opening up to him but it turns into an attack because he feels I’m attacking him and it goes further than it suppose to go. I’m just tired of talking, because the numerous amounts of times I have spoken on the issue, he still hasn’t done anything, he’s not ready to change. I feel like I’m being pushed out of this marriage. He will change when he wants too!


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## scott079 (Jul 27, 2017)

blessed18 said:


> I have asked him but he said he don’t need to see someone, im the one who needs it! I’ve tried opening up to him but it turns into an attack because he feels I’m attacking him and it goes further than it suppose to go. I’m just tired of talking, because the numerous amounts of times I have spoken on the issue, he still hasn’t done anything, he’s not ready to change. I feel like I’m being pushed out of this marriage. He will change when he wants too!


I might be assuming too much but I can hear some hurt and resentment in your words, which is very understandable. Someone else said it before and its 100% true, threaten divorce but only when you still are willing to try.

1- Have you told him in no uncertain terms "I am not happy in our marriage and if XYZ does not change I don't think we will make it"? Make sure you follow up with "I love you you but do you understand what is going to happen"? 

I have read countless stories now of people who change after hearing that question, mostly men. 

If he loves you it will be a massive shock to the system, because he may have assumed your unhappy with specific events or behaviors, not the marriage, not with him overall. Men, sadly, we need to be told in direct non-yelling words the extent of the problem. If he is unhappy/ doesn't care after you make that statement, then you he has no leg to stand on when you divorce. And if you leave and he feels like you warned him when he still had a chance, then co-parenting will be much much better.

I am sorry for the neglect you have endured and I hope you two turn a corner.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A man wandering off away from his wife and family for hours on end when he "takes the trash out" is absolutely unacceptable! Seriously, you cant get more disrespectful than that! You need to start being more assertive... tell him if he decides to do this again, that he can just stay gone, don't bother to come back. I would be very suspicious of the vacation with the friend too, are you sure there isn't another woman?? You are in this marriage alone, sad to say. Either he agrees to work on making changes, or you need to start making an exit plan.


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