# think my husband is bi and was cheating (and still may be)



## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

I have been with my husband for almost 6 years (6 years in November). At first things were good. As always, I assume every relationship says the same thing. This is marriage number 2 for me. I thought I learned, but apparently not.

So, my first indication that something was "off" was small lies. He had lived in Arizona for 6 months and "roomed" with a gay man. I was originally told that he went out there for business. But then I overheard him tell other people that he went to AZ to "get away and vacation". He then told me that he was friends with the gay guy he "roomed" with, but they were roommates and my husband lived in the basement apartment. He then told me that upon leaving, his friend/roommate sent him a Rolex watch. He was angry about something, and broke the watch and mailed it back to the friend. Ex friend.

I was not sure why he would tell some people that it was vacation/to get away, etc, when I was told that it was for business? Those little lies got to me after a while, I mean why bother lying about something so trivial?

Anyway, we were already living together when that came to light. One day, I remember asking coyly if he wanted to fool around. He said no. I said, ok, and had to go grocery shopping. I came back in maybe 15 minutes and when I walked to the front door, I overheard him pleasuring himself. Would have been hot, except I heard the statement "oh, dude". My stomach was in my feet by then. I felt ill. 

I confronted him after I pounded on the door, since he had locked it when I left, for obvious reasons. He said it was nothing, that he was "reliving the last time we made love" and the "dude" was just something that he always says, just in the moment. Lies. He NEVER used that word before. 

I should have left then, but I didn't. 

I always was uncomfortable that he seemed to look at guys. Never said anything like "he's good looking", but would occasionally say something about a male actor on TV "wow, he looks so young in this movie". Or say something like "that guy's tall", in a store. But never seemed to look at women, and if he did, he would say "oh that's trashy", "she's a *****". He seemed to have a lot of bitterness towards women. 

Fast forward. We got married. I know. What was I thinking?

We were married for 2 years last year, and he went to North Carolina for a seminar. Well, he was acting VERY guilty when he left, and said "I'm a good husband, even though you don't think so". Well, I was shocked. And a little unnerved. So, I hacked his e-mail. What I found there turned my world inside out. He had been going on Craigslist and e-mailing men. Looking for oral sex. E-mails said "closet Bisexual, but married. Wife doesn't know. Looking for oral sex". I called a crisis center, and was beside myself. He called me, and I could not hold it in. He told me I got what I deserved, because this behavior of going through e-mail accounts is what all crazy women did. The next day he called me back and said it was his "friends" pulling a prank on him. He had some random guy get on the phone and say "I put him up to it" which obviously made NO sense, sine HE sent the e-mails and at 3am. He said he was being secretive because he was buying me a puppy. 

He came home with a puppy, and said "how could you think I was gay, we're married and have sex?". I said "well, the e-mail said BISEXUAL". He ignored that part and had nothing to say. 

It was a rough year. We went through a flood, and I lost my granddad who was like my father. So, I stayed with him. It was too much for me. We moved to a different state, but within driving distance of my grandma. He was more pissed that he could not attend any seminars because money was too tight. I heard about that at least 10 times. 

Well, he has become verbally abusive. Saying that I am selfish, childish, pathetic, irresponsible, immature, lying. He is ALWAYS angry and depressed, and he takes things out on my dogs. If I come home early from work, he hops around like a rabbit on crack, like I either walked in on something or just after something.

Recently, (last week) I had recorded a movie on DVR, one he would never watch. I say down to watch it and it was an hour into it. I didn't watch it! He came into the living room, and asked what movie I was putting on. I told him "Well, seeing as though you watched it for an hour, you must know!". He said he didn't watch it. Get this. The dogs did. Or he hit play on accident. You have to CHOOSE the program! I can see, maybe 1 minute or 2 an accident, but an hour!

I am done. I wish I would know for certain if the bisexual aspect was true, but the anxiety is eating me alive. 

I feel foolish. I wasted 6 years. I am 31. I wanted to have children, but clock ticking and all, and needing to heal after this...well, who knows! Seems there are so many men who do this, I am not sure who or if I will be able to trust. But I have my game plan in place. 

But it eats me alive. All these little bits of things that do not make sense. And it is SO hard, because he always seemed like he had a wall up, so I will never know the truth. Maybe he doesn't either. Maybe he believes his own lies.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this, is there a reason why he's afraid to have be openly gay? You deserve better, get out now. 
Also go get checked for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can put a keylogger on his computer and VAR the house and his car if you want proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

I am not sure if there is a reason, or if he is legit in that he is bi. I don't know. 

At this point, yes, I could spend the money on getting proof, but I found e-mails last year. His reaction was to tell me "you got what you deserve for going through my e-mail". And he changed the password. That pretty much sounds guilty to me. Besides, those e-mails are BURNED into my memory. 

I need to leave for my sanity. I wish I could go NOW, but I can't. I have to tie up all the ends here with selling animals to provide me with money for my freedom. 

I have already written my "dear john" letter


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ok i understand there is a lot of mind games involved. Read this for mental sanity:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
And this to get for proof:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...one-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Also check with a few attorneys some you can consult for free check if you are a no fault state or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

No fault state. Already checked that. And I know the filing fee already. 

I still may look into evidence gathering with that link.....but may just say that what I found was good enough


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He hooks up with men on Craigslist and you are upset but stay with him.

He lies about watching a video for 1 hour and your are ready to leave him.

I feel like there is something huge missing here.

If he was hooking up with men on craigslist before he probably has been all along.

Put a keylogger on his computer and VARs (voice activated recorders) in his car, and in the house where is likely hangs out. Use adhesive backed Velcro to hold the VARs in place.

When you find things on these, do not tell him right away. Make a plan first. This is for you. We can help you with working through what you find and planning for leaving him.


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

I stayed last year, because I had no where else to go. 

I suffered alone, because I really thought no one would believe me and honestly, he held one manipulating card. Having children. 

I have been fighting infertility for years and it has scarred me emotionally. So, he played that card to get me to "behave" and not rock the boat. 

Don't know what else is missing. That's pretty much it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Evidence might help you prove to yourself that you aren't crazy.I know you know you aren't and it isn't doubt so much as being able to demonstrate to him or anyone else that you were terribly wronged by a soul-destroying liar and cheater. He used you. He disrespected you. Not man enough to face society but not afraid to purposely harm another person in the worst way.

It is a form of evil.

Cheating is evil. But this is its own special form of evil.

Call the roommate. That smashed watch doesn't indicate a whole lot of love between them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your story reminds me of this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/110562-should-i-tell-her-should-i-protect-her.html


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

I wish I could call the "roommate" It was a long time ago, before I met him obviously, and I have no last name or current location. Only a first name. 

I will have to look into what I can use or get for gathering evidence


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get an STD test as well.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

82hazel said:


> I stayed last year, because I had no where else to go.
> 
> I suffered alone, because I really thought no one would believe me and honestly, he held one manipulating card. * Having children.*
> 
> ...


Are you trying to have a family with this man?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

82hazel said:


> He then told me that upon leaving, his friend/roommate sent him a Rolex watch. He was angry about something, and broke the watch and mailed it back to the friend. Ex friend.


Yup, he's gay.

You don't need evidence. The man is lying up one side and down the other. You have waisted enough time with him. Unless you need evidence for the D, just gather what's yours and leave. Stay with your grandmother for a few months to get back on your feet and save money. But get away from him as soon as possible! When you live with people who lie, it causes you to doubt everything because how can they really lie like that, so easily, right to my face?


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## 82hazel (Aug 25, 2013)

Coffee....at the beginning of the relationship, yes. Obviously, not anymore. 

Anon Pink. Thank you. I have some ends I have to tie up and then I can leave. And trust me, I do doubt everything. I have talked to a support group, and they assure me that what I am feeling is normal, and that me doubting and wanting to believe that I am wrong is normal.


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