# Is it possible to overcome resentment?



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

The quick backrgound: Husband here. Over the course of the past year or so, or sex life has really gone down hill. More than likely due to the economy, stress, family, ext... I see this, and am the kind of guy that simply rides it out, as long as we are solid and make efforts to be happy with each other. She shuts down the sex first thing due to stress (Sex is in my top to needs in a marriage). I have made repeated attempts to remind her we should really put forth an effort to make sure we are here for eachother and do what we can to make the best of it. So what happens... No sex for me, means I get less and less interested in satisfiying her needs for that emotional touch, hugs, kisses, ext... We essentually shot each other in the foot.

Now, I over the past year have pretty much lost interest in my wife. Dont look at her like I used to, dont really care to have sex with her anymore, even dodge her advances when she is feeling like it. It's gone so far as to me having isuses with "completing" the deal, as I really dont care for her anymore. This upsets me greatly and has me concerned that we are now at a point of ne return.

So my question...Has anyone ever been to this point and gotten back what you once had? I really hope so, but feel like we are at the end and I am having a harder and harder time holding back the feelings of possibly cheating. Something she has accused me of already, and is false.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Minncouple said:


> Now, I over the past year have pretty much lost interest in my wife. Dont look at her like I used to, dont really care to have sex with her anymore, even dodge her advances when she is feeling like it. It's gone so far as to me having isuses with "completing" the deal, as I really dont care for her anymore. This upsets me greatly and has me concerned that we are now at a point of ne return.


i am very nearly at this point with my H. If things were ever good between your wife and you then i am 100% sure it is possible to go back to that. I am at the point of completely tuning out sexually in my marriage. but i realize its a choice i make all the time. If my H was willing to make some changes i know i could turn it back on. Maybe you feel like your wife will never change.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Absolutely. I wish I could say nothing like this has ever happened to me. I our case, it takes a major upheaval to get things back to OK and this can really be nerve shattering in my house.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I think it is possible to turn it around, and I strongly recommend taking action right away to do so. Your story reads a little like mine - we've often had a disconnect on sex, and stress was often cited as a reason to back off for a while. Of course, it's just an excuse, so you wind up with a string of excuses stretching over years, and find yourself willing to let more and more slip away until there's almost nothing left.

In my case I think that we've not been doing a good job at connecting with one another outside the bedroom, so issues in the bedroom become more pronounced. Sex is likely in a different spot on her priority list and, according to some books I've read, may not have anything to do with how she feels loved in the marriage. Finding the type of attention from you she hopes to get and hasn't gotten may begin to address the issues.

But don't do it on your own. You're in a precarious spot if you're losing interest in her. She may be losing interest as well, and sooner or later someone will wander. Find yourselves a marriage counselor and a venue in which you can speak to one another without fear. It will be much easier now that later, after something rash has happened. You may find that you both still want each other but are telling yourselves something else out of a sense of rejection.

Best of luck


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## mark44 (Jun 30, 2010)

Married just over a year, feel the same way Minncouple. My wife is depressed too so it adds a lot of stress to the situation. Everyday feels the same, and I don't get any feeling from her to initiate any "us" time. Routine takes precedence. 

The other night I said I was bored, and feeling disconnected from her. I know she felt the same way, because she disconnects, then I stop being loving, and it's that crazy circle of hurt and resent that builds.

So I said - "let's go out". Drinks became dinner, we spoke, laughed, I listened and she did too. It was great, for the first time in a long while, we "connected". 

We got home and had great sex after 3/4 weeks of no interest. I was interested, so was she, and it was great. 

I think the problem we have, is at home - we don;t take the time to "connect" enough. If I'm cooking in the kitchen, she's watching tv and listening/talking to me. It's not the same with focussed attention, and I think at home, there is too much else going on or needs to get done. 

Cheers


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Yes, you can recover from just about anything in a relationship if both parties are willing to do the work required of them. I agree about seeking professional help as most couples will find some band-aid solutions that may help for a quick fix, but find that things quickly go back to how they don't want them to be.

As for Mark, that's some great insight. So, what can you do around the house together to help you connect? Would turning the tv off and talking while you cook help and would you wife be willing to do that if you asked her?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Is it possible to overcome resentment?

I'm guessing you're the one with the resentment and you want to know how to overcome it.

I think of resentment as bitterness, strong passive anger and dislike for a real or imagined offence and those things have existed inside us for more than a month.

How to be rid of resentment? For me it's through forgiveness. One word but it's got a whole lot of meaning. I don't like being bitter and resentful, I don't like carrying anger and dislike around with me, that's why I forgive.

Once you forgive, it can take a while, you begin to see things from a "calm place", not through the lenses of bitterness, anger and dislike.

Once you can do that then you are more able to see the person you are with in some "isolation". In a way you have taken your "self" out of the equation and maybe begin to see the person for the very first time.

What you do when you "see" that person is of course entirely up to you and a whole new different story.

Bob


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Yes you can. But don't cheat.

I was in the same position, right down to the "not completing the deal" part.

These kinds of issues are rarely one-sided. There is probably something you did, either on your own or as a reaction to something she did, which creates this cause-and-effect cycle until you get to where you are now.

I ended up having an affair and it was NOT the thing to do. Ultimately, a marriage counselor helped us work out the issues between us. I saw what I was doing wrong in the marriage and what she needed and she saw what she was doing and what I needed.

If she won't go to a marriage counselor (my wife did only under threat of divorce) then go alone. It will help you either deal with hte situation as is or help change the situation.


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