# I don't know what to do...tired of living like this



## mrsnobody (Feb 27, 2011)

I got married almost a year ago. I wanted to be married so bad; I knew my relationship was bad.. and he probably wasn't the right one.. but I invested so much time in it. I know, stupid reason.. but I wish I knew that I knew it was gonna be worse than what it was. We dated for years... around the end of the first year we dated he started to verbally and physically abuse me. Called me horrible names.. hit me.. threw fits... I left him a couple of times but always went back after he apologized. It became a cycle. I told my parents the first time andmy dad wanted to kill him... but didn't.. hence that relationship between him and my family has been doomed since then. I don't know why I stayed so long.. Maybe I was dillusional..I would leave him and then come back. He proposed maybe 4x and would play with me by taking the ring back... and calling me names and saying it was my fault. Not that this is an excuse.. but it is what it is.. my friends were all getting married and having babies... and I wanted it too.. I figured he'd be more stable once we got married (STUPID ME). I moved to another state and because I thought it would be over... I told him about a time after he had beat me reallybad and I left him.. how I started to date another person. I wanted everything off of my chest and him being as possessive as he was .. I knew this would be the end of it too. Well it wasn't. It made him drive 10 hours to my new home and propose I guess this time for real. My parents were here and they thought it was going to be a disaster.. he even started to become aggressive and mean when they were here.. my mom pleaded with me not to tell people and to tell him no. But I didn't. I accepted the proposal (I was so happy.. for a millisecond) and it seemed like everything would be okay. We planned for him to move to where I was and I would help him find a job. And we planned a wedding ... that each month or week or day even.. he would call off.. and then come back and apologize. I was a wreck.. I had started a new job.. and I had allof these unexplained absences and I would tell people I was sick. On one of his visits down.. he blacked my eye and I called the police. It was embarassing to have the police come in this nice quiet peaceful place I lived to take him away.. I thought it was over then... but again.. I went back..this time saying because we had spent so much money on the wedding. This cycle continued until the wedding week... fight...each time worse. Each time nastier... each time he would try to hurt me physically and say things he knew would hurt me to my core. 2 days before the wedding.. I couldn't take itand I wanted to call it off because he had called me awful names and hit me in the car on the way to one of our pre wedding meetings... but then everyone had spent so much money to travel.. I just went along with it.. I felt guilty.. and of course.. I started to think that he wouldn't treat his wife this way... yeah right. We went on honeymoon and came back... and the first fight we had..led him to packng up his stuff.. and him quittinghis job that he had in the new state... basically leaving me.. threatened me that he wanted 50K to not sue me for alimony or to not take my 401K. Just more hurtful things... I was completely depressed... eating and drinking uncontrollably.. and just had completely turned from the outgoing person I used to be. I started reading about BPD and this fits him to a T. I know he has this disorder. 

Right now we are still living separately.. him in another state and me here.. he visits.. and each time there is more fighting confusion and heartbreak.. I didn't want to give up on my marriage.. but it is literally ruining my life... I cry everyday.. I can't tell people because thy would think I was a fraud.. (why would I marry a person like this).. I love my new job.. but I am often so unfocused on it... I have gained weight.. stopped talking to my parents and friends.. I am just lonely and miserable.. and I hate the situation I put myself in.. by going on with this sham of a marriage for someone who beats me and calls me names... and puts me down... when I do everything in my power to help them.. I don't ask him for money.. I do everything alone.. I don't depend on him financially.. so I don't know why I feel stuck. He's never going to get better..not for me anyway... and I think he really has it in his heart to RUIN me... everything that I had going for me... 

I just can't take it. I have tried therapists... but when I go I never feel comfortable telling them about this craziness that I go through in my "other life".. I had one in my old state that I told everything..and she basically told me the same thing my parents told me.. I'm too "smart, pretty, brave..etc" to deal with someone who treats me so poorly. And since I've been here.. Ijust can't find a therapist that I feel comfortable with letting in... I've been depressed for so long now and I don't see a way out of this... 

Just now he left from another "visit" to his marriage and shouted out to the neighborhood.."insert my name is here is a ****..." and I'm so embarassed that I let this go on. I don't know what to do.. what will kickstart me to get out of this....and stop trying to fix something that's unfixable. He's never sorry for the things he does... he'll say he's sorry but 2 mins later.. I'll be a stupid "bword" again... or he'll raise his hand to me. 

I see other people in happy marriages and I wonder why this had to be mine... I have had divorce papers drawn up but cannot bring myself to file them atthe courthouse.. I know he's in therapy.. but it's only because of the two charges he has pending against him for hitting me.

I'm sorry for typing this much.. but I just want to get some of this off of my chest and I have withdrawn from my family and friends because I don't want people to know that this mess is my life.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Well, you've just got to go, hon. Just suck it up, get your courage up, file the divorce papers, and just do it. There's nothing else anyone can tell you. You already know your relationship is bad. 

There is no "way" to do it, you just have to do it.

Good luck.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Leave your relationship. There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour. Reading up on abusers and their behaviours will not help, believe me I've tried. They can have BPD, be sociopaths, be narcissists etc - the list goes on, and you will find there's elements of all those in him. The best thing I read was Lundy Bancroft.

Please keep yourself safe. x


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