# Trial Separation



## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

So I'm a new user here and I just wanted some input on my current situation.

Wife is 24 and im 27

Anyway my wife went out of town to visit some old friends for a couple days, when she came home she didn't seem happy and I asked if everything was ok and she replied No and she was not happy. She was not happy about our marriage, which was kinda strange to me because this was all out of nowhere and there wasn't any signs of her being unhappy to the point of a separation. We "were" currently in contract of buying a house and i thought everything was fine. So anyway we talked about why she was so "unhappy" and she clearly stated that she cant be herself about me, she doesn't know who she is, or what really makes her unhappy. So Im still confused why she is unhappy and why she thinks that a trial separation is the right thing to do when it can be clearly worked on living together.

So we talked some more and I asked her is a trial separation really something that you want to do and she replied that she needed her space "alone" to clear her head and see if this is really what she wants in life..So she moved out the 1st of this month...To me we should be trying to repair our marriage and it seems like none of that is happening maybe its too early and she still needs more time. We try to talk when we can but when we talk all she talks about her going to parties, drinking a lot, all this stuff she has never done while we are together, the other night she took a guy home because he needed a ride home... Meanwhile I'm thinking in my head like we are still married, and your talking to other men, going to parties, and taking strangers home..... So anyway that's the current situation right now and i don't understand what she is doing and why she is doing that, I'm about ready to just give up on this whole thing because its clearly not fair to me as I'm not doing any of that stuff....I haven't talked to her about any of the stuff she is doing or why she is doing, i guess I'm waiting for the right moment....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unfortunately I think you need to be in the Coping with Infidelity section. Your wife's cheating, dude, sorry to say. She met someone that weekend she went away and presented this 'trial separation' as a way for her to screw around and keep you on the back burner.

My advice is to just divorce her and don't look back. Go out and have a good time yourself. You're young! Far too young to be pining after some woman who doesn't have the guts to tell you what's really going on.

Oh, and get STD tested.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

We have been together for 6 years, and married for 2 years, the time she went away for 3 days was to go see her family. So i doubt she is cheating on me with someone else.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Sorry to hear about this situation you're in.

If she went to go see old friends, she probably had a nice long talk with them about her unhappiness, and they gave her the courage to come back and tell you. Which is why it seems out of the blue...she's been secretly thinking it....but she needed to get verification from her friends that her feelings are valid. That means she's good at deception because she wasn't letting YOU, her husband, know.

Her being vague is not a good sign. My 1st XH was very vague with why he wanted to leave me, and that's because he was sleeping with someone else. He gave me the whole.... "I'm just not happy, I don't know why I just don't want to be here, I want to find myself" bullcrap. Until I finally got him to confess the real deal...because it didn't make flipping sense to me to leave a marriage for those reasons. His rationality by trying to lie about it I think was that he was not having to face the reality (and say out loud) that he was a cheating bastard. I had no idea he was cheating. He did start going out a little bit more, and going to visit "friends", but he had the perfect alibi because we had just moved about 45 mins away from where his friends were. So I was none the wiser...until I starting "feeling" him emotionally pull away from me. We were together from the time I was 18 until I was 24, married for less than a year. You have to trust your gut.

If you're absolutely sure she's not cheating, then she's about to. She's thinking about it. Going out to parties, drinking, being with other guys, is knocking at the door of infidelity. At this point what she does means way more than what she says.

She's probably used to you calling and being her crutch and feeding her ego. Stop calling, start putting your life back together. A lot of guys here at TAM can tell you about becoming alpha and doing the 180


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Thanks I appreciate your response. I agree with the part when you say her friends probably talked her into showing her real emotion toward me. It's only been a month of this separation and I feel terrible always thinking about her and what she is doing while I'm home doing nothing.....


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

when she went to see her family, was this her home town? you sure there were no other old BFs around. or old friends that she could have been with. the story you are conveying on here is common and is usually the result of cheating. They cheat, they feel bad, they build up and excuse for their actions usually based on them not being happy with the marriage. Could be that, or her parents dont like you and finally got to her.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Bro, this is not an uncommon situation. She's really only known you. She's in the final few years of her peak sexual market value. You guys married very early. 

You don't want to hear this, but her behavior is the standard cheating wife script. If she hasn't cheated yet, she's going to. Hope1964 is very correct. 

The trial separation is for your wife to party it up with friends and test drive other guys while you sit at home and ponder what the problem is and how to fix it. You're getting chumped, buddy.

If you think you're wife isn't the type, or she wouldn't do something like this, i invite you to read a lot of stories here on this board. Read the coping with infidelity section too. You'll see why people are thinking your wife is stepping out on you.

My advice is you take a long hard look into what is going on. I think you'll find that we are correct. Is it a big deal for your recovery? Absolutely. You cannot recover your marriage as long as she is potentially interested in or already seeing someone else.

Best, 

HL


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

helolover said:


> Bro, this is not an uncommon situation. She's really only known you. She's in the final few years of her peak sexual market value. You guys married very early.
> 
> You don't want to hear this, but her behavior is the standard cheating wife script. If she hasn't cheated yet, she's going to. Hope1964 is very correct.
> 
> ...


Time to start investigating look into her phone records can you sneak a var in her car.
Sorry my man this is not good.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Thanks for the advice HL. Your right I don't know for sure if she will cheat but she might be already. I guess I'll never know unless she tells me or I catch her. I might just have to look at getting myself back together.. It takes 2 to repair the marriage and it seems I might be the only one trying.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> Thanks for the advice HL. Your right I don't know for sure if she will cheat but she might be already. I guess I'll never know unless she tells me or I catch her. I might just have to look at getting myself back together.. It takes 2 to repair the marriage and it seems I might be the only one trying.


Show her the new reality with divorce papers.
You can stop the process if she grows up.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

helolover said:


> Bro, this is not an uncommon situation. She's really only known you. She's in the final few years of her peak sexual market value.
> 
> HL


Oh man!! My sexual market value is apparently expired and I'm only 30  :*(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

struggle said:


> Oh man!! My sexual market value is apparently expired and I'm only 30  :*(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife is 40 and hot as f,u,c,k. Physically, mentally, and sexually. 30 is the 18


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon,

She has checked out. The stuff she tells you about not knowing who she is and not being able to be herself around you is a code for "I know I want to try strange new c*ck and hear a different man's voice as we do it. I can't do that with you at home. If you go somewhere else I can try different men and let you know if I miss you. So far I haven't. It's a relief to not have you see me exploring the dating market."

Go to the gym work out. Do the 180. Don't interact with her at all. Let her feel you are dumping her. Don't beg don't be needy. Appear on FB smiling and meeting new people, having fun, moving on.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

struggle said:


> Oh man!! My sexual market value is apparently expired and I'm only 30  :*(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probly.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Anon,
> 
> She has checked out. The stuff she tells you about not knowing who she is and not being able to be herself around you is a code for "I know I want to try strange new c*ck and hear a different man's voice as we do it. I can't do that with you at home. If you go somewhere else I can try different men and let you know if I miss you. So far I haven't. It's a relief to not have you see exploring the dating market."
> 
> Go to the gym work out. Do the 180. Don't interact with her at all. Let her feel you are dumping her. Don't beg don't be needy. Appear on FB smiling and meeting new people, having fun, moving on.


This is the best way.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Yeah i might just have too.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

happi_g_more2 said:


> .....30 is the 18


No. It's not.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> Yeah i might just have too.


There is no try. Only do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

helolover said:


> There is no try. Only do.


Do. Or do not. There is no try. - YouTube


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Trial Separation*



happi_g_more2 said:


> when she went to see her family, was this her home town? you sure there were no other old BFs around. or old friends that she could have been with. the story you are conveying on here is common and is usually the result of cheating. They cheat, they feel bad, they build up and excuse for their actions usually based on them not being happy with the marriage. Could be that, or her parents dont like you and finally got to her.


Her parents actually love me or and they are also confused why she is doing this... Her mom is actually talking to me on a day to day basis about the situation.. Her mother is also worried about her..


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> Her parents actually love me or and they are also confused why she is doing this... Her mom is actually talking to me on a day to day basis about the situation.. Her mother is also worried about her..


Ok you need to file do not tell her mother.
After you file tell her I'm sorry she left me no choice I respect myself too much.
Again you may have a chance albeit little.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

helolover said:


> No. It's not.


I dont know where you been hiding, but Im surrounded by smoking hot 30-40 year olds that blow the doors off of 18-25 year olds. Fit as ****. Fun, smart, no hang ups, sexually open, usually have jobs so they arent beggars. I dont know, could just be me, but 30 is the sweet spot.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that. I think she is really YOUNG. You both are really young to be married. It's a possibility she may have gone out partying it up with her friends and really liked it. She may think she is missing out on that life style. But it also sounds like she may have met someone else  I hate to think the worse but that is the only reason I feel she would come home and all of a sudden tell you this? Unless you both have had issues in your marriage?

If you can afford it, why don't you hire a PI and have her followed? They will bring you answers. I really hope she is not messing around with anyone for your sake and I'm hoping she is just thinking she's missing out on that life style that really gets OLD after while (going out with friends, drinking, partying...) I hope she will wake up and see what really matters in life (family, spouse, health...) Good luck to you. I really hope things will work out for you. I'm always an optomist...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that. I think she is really YOUNG. You both are really young to be married. It's a possibility she may have gone out partying it up with her friends and really liked it. She may think she is missing out on that life style. But it also sounds like she may have met someone else  I hate to think the worse but that is the only reason I feel she would come home and all of a sudden tell you this? Unless you both have had issues in your marriage?
> 
> If you can afford it, why don't you hire a PI and have her followed? They will bring you answers. I really hope she is not messing around with anyone for your sake and I'm hoping she is just thinking she's missing out on that life style that really gets OLD after while (going out with friends, drinking, partying...) I hope she will wake up and see what really matters in life (family, spouse, health...) Good luck to you. I really hope things will work out for you. I'm always an optomist...


This^^^
Best way to find out what you are up against.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Trial Separation*



Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Oh no, I am so sorry to hear that. I think she is really YOUNG. You both are really young to be married. It's a possibility she may have gone out partying it up with her friends and really liked it. She may think she is missing out on that life style. But it also sounds like she may have met someone else  I hate to think the worse but that is the only reason I feel she would come home and all of a sudden tell you this? Unless you both have had issues in your marriage?
> 
> If you can afford it, why don't you hire a PI and have her followed? They will bring you answers. I really hope she is not messing around with anyone for your sake and I'm hoping she is just thinking she's missing out on that life style that really gets OLD after while (going out with friends, drinking, partying...) I hope she will wake up and see what really matters in life (family, spouse, health...) Good luck to you. I really hope things will work out for you. I'm always an optomist...


Great reply thank you. alot of my friends and family and even her family are all confused to what she is doing. Lately she has been going out and having a good time. Something tells me she misses going out and having done good old fun withpeople. But like you said it will get old really quick. It's not fair to me to just sit home and ponder on all these things that are going on.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am in a similar age range as you and your wife (do you state how long you have been together for?). I definitely agree with what everyone is posting about being aware of the situation and doing what is best for yourself. 

My exh asked for a divorce and then I found out he was cheating, lying, etc. As soon as I called him on it, literally the same day, he started partying like crazy, going out and getting drunk and hanging out with all these other women. He was probably doing that behind my back while I was at work for all I know. I filed for divorce and left as soon as I could. I would just be very aware of the fact that all this partying may be a way to catch up on years where she felt she should've been partying and instead was in a relationship.

I hope for the best for you and your w but I would definitely be prepared for any scenario.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude you need to start looking around now.

You first post is FULL of red flags. Just drive by her place tonight at midnight. Don't be too surprised there is another car there.

Someone post my standard evidence gathering post. It's step by step.


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## esrum1 (Oct 3, 2012)

When my marriage started falling apart, my ex wife was young also - 26. We met in college and married very young (too young probably). As things started going down hill for us, she started to live a single lifestyle. Friday nights out on the town (without me), new sets of friends that I wasn't introduced to, new gym (away from my gym), locked cell phone, every red flag in the book. But, what resonates is the fact that my ex was making up for her "lost single 20's" - and when they do that, it will never end well. 

A couple of other things:

- Don't count on her family having any influence on your wife. They might be confused, and they might even attempt to reason with her, but she's marching to her own beat right now. So, don't get all lofty on the fact that her mother doesn't agree with her decisions - true as it might be, it's very insignificant. 

- I hope that you're not financing her new lifestyle. I did. And I hate myself for having done it. Draw a line in the sand financially. Immediately dude (I can't stress this enough). 

- If she wants to talk things out, I'd say make sure you prepare and plan in advance for that talk. Know what you're willing to do and what you need her to do. Probably best to get this in front of a marriage counselor. But I wouldn't reach out first to talk things out, let her do that. 

- And finally, the odds are against you. There are some sweet trial separation success stories here on TAM, but usually, it ends up being a long, drawn out, painful breakup - all wrapped up under the guise of "trial separation". 

Bud, wrap your head around what's happening and what will most likely happen. One of my favorite sayings, "hope for the best, but plan for the worst".


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Trial separations rarely work, all they accomplish it relearning how to live apart, not how much they miss each other. Typically one person views as a vacation the other waits. When trial separations start usually the one who wants it has the time of there lives so to speak. They suddenly have free reign in a new world so it only reinforces it was the correct choice for them. 

They get short term highs because “vacation” is fun. You need to change how she is viewing the situation. She wont work on the marriage or do anything till she feels she has something at risk and right now you don’t even know what your up against. Most of the time what is said on day one is rarely the true reason for the situation. 

Quit talking to her family, your only reinforcing to her that your waiting around for her thru them. You must start to change her mindset via your actions. Till that happens she has no reason to do anything other than what she is doing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A "trial separation," at least IMHO, is rarely nothing more than "Cheaterspeak" for wanting a spouse out of the picture, usually under somewhat false pretenses; so that the cheater can continue to carry on any lurid activities with their AP, so as to be largely undetected by their spouse!

And please paint me as one unsuspecting spouse who totally fell for that analogy, "hook, line, and sinker!"*


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

So yesterday we met up and she said she wanted to talk about the status of our relationship.. So we met at my place and she said she doesn't think it will work, she has no feeling of getting back together, no feeling that she misses coming back to the old lifestyle. So I asked if there is someone else she met and she keeps insisting that there is no one else, I do believe that there is no one else. So anyway she said she has been unhappy for quite some time and she hasn't told me for like a year. That to me just sounds like she couldn't communicate her problems with me and just being unfaithful in the marriage. Anyway we are gonna do an official legal separation for the time being.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't engage her in anymore relationship discussions. It will get you nowhere.

What is the advantage of separation over divorce?

Also, cease putting out feelers via her family or mutual friends, if they contact you just be polite and friendly as usual. Do not say anything about hope. That will get back to her.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Yea there is another man. You do realize the probability of her admitting it is quite close to zero correct? Just look for him or just file divorce already. Sorry. Game over.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> So yesterday we met up and she said she wanted to talk about the status of our relationship.. So we met at my place and she said she doesn't think it will work, she has no feeling of getting back together, no feeling that she misses coming back to the old lifestyle. So I asked if there is someone else she met and she keeps insisting that there is no one else, I do believe that there is no one else. So anyway she said she has been unhappy for quite some time and she hasn't told me for like a year. That to me just sounds like she couldn't communicate her problems with me and just being unfaithful in the marriage. Anyway we are gonna do an official legal separation for the time being.


Are you interested in the identity of posOM?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry to say it, but your wife has cheated on you and lined up your replacement.

Her words and actions are right out of the cheater's handbook. She asked for space so that she could try out her new beau without the difficulty of having you around. Now she is deep in the affair fog, so of course, you can't compete.

Do what you have to do to find the evidence (email, phone records, etc). Then, knock her out of her fog by exposing the affair to her family and friends.

There's no guarantee that she'll come back. But, you will regain your self respect by not continuing to be her doormat.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Phone records. Her credit card spending can give clues. People who cheat do not wish it known. Do not rely on her denials
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> We try to talk when we can but when we talk all she talks about her going to parties, drinking a lot, all this stuff she has never done while we are together, the other night she took a guy home because he needed a ride home... Meanwhile I'm thinking in my head like we are still married, and your talking to other men, going to parties, and taking strangers home.


 She just told you that she is dating again. Many people that want to cheat will tell you that, even though they are still married, the second that they say the word separate that they are free to enter into romantic relationships with others. This is what your wife is doing. Often times they have cheated prior to telling their spouse that they want to separate, and want to continue doing it without guilt; over 80% of all affairs go undetected by the other spouse even when the cheating leads to a separation or a divorce (yes cheaters are accomplished liars).



Anonymoususer86 said:


> Anyway we are gonna do an official legal separation for the time being.


 Your legal separation is probably more than for the “time being”. According to a study involving 7,272 individuals, presented at the 2012 annual meeting of the Population Association of America by researcher Dmitry Tumin of Ohio State University, approximately 79% of married couples who separate end up getting divorced.

There are many threads on this site where the spouse would guarantee us that their spouse was not cheating when they asked for space, with almost all of them learning otherwise once they started digging. Below is a recent example of a poster named bookwrmmom telling us that “Yes there is a chance that he may start dating someone during the separation but as far as I can tell & I have investigated thoroughly he did not "step out" prior to leaving”, Only to tell us later that “Well he finally told me the truth. He is in love with another woman. He started talking to her about 4 months before he left me.” 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/177938-blindsided-2.html#post7831602


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Many people have already stated the obvious to you. She isn’t going to tell you any real answers as far as OM or such. The unhappy for a long time is again one of those great generalities and don’t really mean anything. Its excuses.

She told you everything when she said she had no feelings for you or your married lifestyle. A legal separation while it’s a step towards divorce only will prolong your agony and allow her the freedom she wants. 

Your next step should be to file for divorce and make this real, not pretend. Whether you like it or not, the status quo must change. She still has no risk in her mind right now.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

From what I have been reading I heard you have to legally separate for at least one year to file for a divorce


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

That all depends on what state you live in. They laws vary greatly and a few states still have at-fault reasons for divorce which could be another reason why she wont tell you the truth. 

Speak with legal counsel and learn the laws in your state, some will waive the one year if at fault can be proven etc. Know and understand your legal options before you agree to anything.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

honcho said:


> That all depends on what state you live in. They laws vary greatly and a few states still have at-fault reasons for divorce which could be another reason why she wont tell you the truth.
> 
> Speak with legal counsel and learn the laws in your state, some will waive the one year if at fault can be proven etc. Know and understand your legal options before you agree to anything.


Exactly. in some states, the year waiting period is waived in cases of abuse and/or adultery.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

helolover said:


> Exactly. in some states, the year waiting period is waived in cases of abuse and/or adultery.


Hence the advice to look into it and STOP asking her about cheating.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Quick update.. I'm no longer interested in what she is doing. I don't even bother to ask any more because all of seems is that she wants to go to parties and get drunk and do whatever.. I'll be moving out of my apartment the beginning of may and starting fresh for myself. I'm barely bringing any of the furniture that we had together I wanna buy all new and make it all about "me". I know somewhere down the road she will think that she made a big mistake because even though she said she was unhappy I basically did everything for her in terms of cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, I'm sure all of that will be missed.. Buy I can't no longer think about that, I need to think about me and where I wanna take my life to be happy. I know it's gonna take some time to recover but I'm willing to do it.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Good for you! Time to start focusing on yourself and what you want.

One day she will realize her mistake but it's already too late
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Even though we are not yet divorced should I be upset that she has taken off my last name in her name?? Is it just because she feels that she needs to officially move on with her life?


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

happi_g_more2 said:


> My wife is 40 and hot as f,u,c,k. Physically, mentally, and sexually. 30 is the 18


Dude you are lucky.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> Even though we are not yet divorced should I be upset that she has taken off my last name in her name?? Is it just because she feels that she needs to officially move on with her life?


You feel however you feel. There is no right or wrong. But she's telling you pretty clearly that she's done. 

C


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good riddance. She took your name off in part because it was embarrassing to cheat on you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm with everyone else here. Even if she's not cheating or looking for someone new already, she's not invested in your marriage. Separation out of the blue? Even IF she's being honest, the woman has 0 communication skills, and this is likely to happen to you guys again. Only next time, you'll have 2 kids that she'll move out with her, and you'll go from seeing them every day to every other weekend. Run!

I'm the unhappy spouse in my relationship. But, I'm invested, and I tried like hell to get my H to invest too. That's what a person who wants to fix things does. No matter how much you want to, you can't make this work on your own.

I'm sorry. Get out there and keep yourself busy. Is there something that you've always wanted to learn or do that you haven't yet? Do it! It'll keep you busy and you'll feel good about yourself.


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## Anonymoususer86 (Mar 24, 2014)

Right now I'm focusing on moving out. I'll be in a new place the beginning of may. I can basically start fresh and start doing my own thing. It just seems that everything is moving so fast. It sucks being in this situation but I guess it could be worse.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you still think she has not been cheating ? This started well before she went away to visit friends - probably at work. Still might be good/therapeutic for you to know, find out who OM (or men) is/are, and expose.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The reason she parties and gets drunk is to make casual sex easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Anonymoususer86 said:


> Even though we are not yet divorced should I be upset that she has taken off my last name in her name?? Is it just because she feels that she needs to officially move on with her life?


*Totally, Anonymous! You have largely been her "Plan B" until "Plan A" came along, which it greatly appears has already happened!

If you two have no kids, then the D itself, in most jurisdictions, can be accelerated, provided there are no real property issues. And if she's working or able to work, she can well kiss alimony's a$$ "goodbye" as well!

Meantime, get to a Dr. and have yourself checked out for the presence of STD's! That's one parting gift from her or one of her "Stage Door Johnny's" that you need about as bad as a hickey on a hemorrhoid! 

Get with a good lawyer and rid yourself of that scourge yesterday, if at all possible!*


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