# Super stressed.



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is great, haven't posted here in a few months.

I changed jobs (same role, better pay) and am happy with my decision. I moved out of my condo in early June and into my house. The condo was rented, the house is not...I had bought it in 2010 with my sister and we were renting it out to tenants...the tenants moved out so we decided I'd move in and take over mortgage etc.

I've bitten off more than I can chew. I am very VERY overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done for the house.

1. Moving Day was stressful (I hired movers and they still caused problems)

2. I hired painting contractors. They spent two weeks on the house, I wasn't happy with the work they did so they had to re-do a large portion. Meanwhile I wasn't able to sleep in or use my home so I've been at my parents' house. It's stressful to have to take my work clothes back/forth.

3. Painters are finally done but they didn't do the proper clean-up job they said they'd do. So I have a large house to clean up paint-particles and dust from.

4. Some things need to be replaced, like mirrors and door handles and front door etc.

5. I have to get window coverings.

6. I'm spending a lot of money, which I try not to stress about, but it's still at the back of my mind.

7. Prior to the move I got in to a really BIG fight with my father. He is narcissistic and his mental health issues have not been diagnosed, he'd rather say his children are to blame than admit he has an illness. He says very hurtful and unfair things related to finances and my divorce. This time I had had it, so I said super hurtful things back to him. We've gotten past it (for now) but barely speak to each other. Basically I avoid him, but the times I can't, are tense. It's super stressful. 

8. I have a lot of relatives here...and I can literally count maybe 7 close family members who are supportive. Everybody else gives me a negative vibe...honestly, I think they feel threatened by the fact that I am able to support myself and don't need to rely on my ex financially. There's a lot of stigma associated with my divorce. I feel shunned and looked down upon. I know it's easy to say "don't care about what people think" and I try not to, but deep down, I truly wish I could move away and not see everyone for years.

9. Ex-husband moved out of his siblings/mom's house and into a rented apartment. Aside from that, nothing about him has changed except that he's more religious than ever. Contact with him is minimal but he mentions from time to time that he loves me and is happy to try at our marriage once again, if only I'd stop disrespecting his family. Which really makes me angry because he's never once asked them to stop disrespecting me (anybody who knows my story will understand why I say this). Me on the other hand, I think I've lost all faith in love, I associate it mostly with pain and loss. I haven't finalized the divorce, right now with all the other stress and items to get done, I don't think I can. 

10. I am angry at my life. I am angry that I have to do by myself, what other people do as a couple (move in to their home together, lean on each other). When I get stressed, I think of this a lot. It makes me not want to look at my ex when he picks up/drops off our daughter. I think to myself, "We could have had this together...you didn't want it then, emotionally abused me, and now you've lost so much and want to try again even though you never stand up for me?" So it makes me feel...contempt and anger and sadness. But I don't talk about it with him. Talked my way to heart-break over and over, I don't want to talk anymore.

Working full time, all the things that need to be done to make the house liveable, relationship problems with my dad, lingering divorce woes, and the fact that I'm still very much overweight even though I've been exercising a lot, all this stuff brings me down. I feel a deep sadness. I love my 3 year old, but I'm impatient and annoyed and not a good mom lately. I wish I could just go back to my perfectly clean condo, take a deep breath and watch Netflix. I don't even have internet hooked up, my God.



I am worried this is forever my "attitude" toward life going forward. I don't see me coming out of this. I feel broken, hurt, bruised...maybe some of my dad's mental health issues have been transferred to me too, as I'm impatient and feeling mentally weak right now. Is this normal?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hello Orange, 

In regards to your moving process, take it one day at a time. 
Focus on important areas like the kitchen or your bedrooms to fix first. 
Trying to do it all at once will feel overwhelming. 
Also try give yourself spending budgets on repairs etc

Your divorce is your business, your family has no right to judge you. 

Try not to be angry at life & focus in the positives, like soon you will have a lovely place to enjoy and be watching Netflix in no time! 

You will get everything sorted out eventually. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> Hello Orange,
> 
> In regards to your moving process, take it one day at a time.
> Focus on important areas like the kitchen or your bedrooms to fix first.
> ...


That's so true. I look at the house as a whole and feel overwhelmed. But a clean/useable kitchen, bedroom and bathroom are most important. The rest can be done in time.

My divorce was everybody's business. Not sure why...people need something juicy to talk about. My dad was supportive of me during my initial separation...but the last few times we've argued, he says, "You left your husband. [**which by the way is not entirely true**] They've cursed us and that's why our family is unhappy." Imagine how hurt that makes me feel...it's enough to make me want to cut ties completely. But I can't go without seeing my mom and siblings.

I feel like moving into my home should be a happy time, but I have felt no happiness.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Orange, girl you need to breathe. Take a breath before you pass out.

Stop looking at the house as a huge task. Take it one room at a time. What does not get finished today, can get done tomorrow. Break it up into small task. You can change the door handles later, once the outside doors have good locks.(front door/back door etc)

Make a list of what you need to get done and what you would like to improve on. Breakup each task into mimi task per room. Like clean the paint off the living room floor, cleaning the windows and putting up new window treatment. So when you are finished with one room you don't have to go back and redo anything in there again.

Moving never goes as plan. It happens to everyone. Just realize that you can't change how things have happened, just how you response to it.

Don't feel bad about not being the best mum now. Kids are very understanding. Just explain to you D, what is going and ask that she be patient with you. Also, tell her to tell you when you are acting like a crazy woman with her, so you can dial it down. Just say you are sorry for not being the best mum at this time and you love her so much. She would love to know what going on and how she can help. Even if she is little, they love helping.

Dont stress out too much about your Dad, he had it coming. Just ignore him for now, remember it's his problem not yours. 

To hell with family members you are judging you. They do not get to live your life. Only you do. You reach for your happiness and when you find it, the same people are going to come back and try to play nice.

Don't get caught up again with the H and in-laws drama. You have to practice letting them not affect you. Don't ask about his family and down ask about him. Just talk about your D and her welfare. Don't question your D about her daddy. The less you know about them, the better.

Don't beat yourself up too much, you are still grieving the lost of your dreams. So give your self permission to be unhappy for a few minutes then, shut it down and move on, whenever you feel it coming on.

Congrats on your new job. Remember one room at a time. One day at a time. You go girl.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Orange, girl you need to breathe. Take a breath before you pass out.
> 
> Stop looking at the house as a huge task. Take it one room at a time. What does not get finished today, can get done tomorrow. Break it up into small task. You can change the door handles later, once the outside doors have good locks.(front door/back door etc)
> 
> ...


You're wonderfully supportive. Thank you!

I did take a deep breath by the way...and laughed at your comment about me passing out. I probably really was going to lol.

My bedroom is tidy and clean enough to sleep in, as is one of the washrooms and the kitchen is tidy enough to eat it. The rest I can do when I come home from work and on weekends...it will take a very long time but that's OK. I still have no idea how to get a trillion tiny flecks of paint off hardwood floors without scrubbing every inch for 5 minutes and ruining the finish...  Don't think there's a way around that. But I'll start.

Since I haven't been super patient while cleaning the house etc., I've leaned on my mom and sister to take care of my daughter for several hours during the day over the weekend. She had a blast!

I did ignore my dad over the weekend while I was at my parents' house. But I am concerned about his mental health and I know what it feels like to be angry at a family member and think that they don't care about you. He probably feels we don't care about him (which is not true...he just shuts us out so rudely that we try to stay away to protect ourselves). I'm not sure what to do about the situation. I can continue ignoring him but I see him going down a dark tunnel.

With my STBX husband, I'm still wishing he would change and somehow miraculously we could have a happy married life together. But even if I did get over the issues with his family, I'm not sure I could live with his increasing religiousness. It's a really narrow point of view, and I keep thinking he needs to be with someone who is as religious as him, so he can be supported in that aspect of his life. Not with someone who will roll her eyes and constantly tell him he should be expanding his interests and hobbies. The last time we reconciled, he left 6 times in 3 months, he'd go to his mom's house. If we get back together then 15 years down the road I still see us arguing, except he'd probably leave a couple months to go to another country...and what would my kids learn from that? I'm just trying to figure out why it is, deep down, that I haven't served him divorce papers yet. Aside from the fact that I feel guilty, and sad for the good memories we've shared together that I wish we could get back.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, you WILL come out of this, I promise! I know it may not feel like it now, but you will. 

As for your house...yes, one room at a time, one DAY at a time. Focus on your end result...it is YOURS, you are not paying rent into someone else's pocket! Every house you move into will need to be cleaned and some kind of work done to it, that's just how it is. The painting company should have taken care of the cleanup though, so you may want to try and work with them on that. If not maybe Google how to get the paint flecks up without damaging the floor. 

As for your daughter...OMG 3yrs is the worst! I was going through separation too when MY daughter was three and wow, she was difficult. People always talk about the terrible two's...well the three's have the two's beat! So go easy on yourself, you are being the best mom you can under the circumstances! 

As for your family...they don't live your life. They should be upset at the way you were treated and supportive that you removed yourself from that situation. If they cannot be supportive, then they get a minimal role in your life until they can be. Shame on them. 

As for your STBXH... Stop talking to him. Unless it is directly regarding your daughter, no more contact. Have him text and email ONLY, and DO NOT RESPOND unless it is about her. You know good and well that he is never going to change, except to get even weirdly deeper into his religious crap. Nothing would be any different than it was before, so him trying to get you to reconcile is beating a dead horse. NO MORE CONTACT on a personal level. 

Stop looking back. Keep focusing and moving forward. You can be your own worst enemy ruminating on how things were "supposed" to be. You WILL get through this, and you WILL find happiness!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, you WILL come out of this, I promise! I know it may not feel like it now, but you will.
> 
> As for your house...yes, one room at a time, one DAY at a time. Focus on your end result...it is YOURS, you are not paying rent into someone else's pocket! Every house you move into will need to be cleaned and some kind of work done to it, that's just how it is. The painting company should have taken care of the cleanup though, so you may want to try and work with them on that. If not maybe Google how to get the paint flecks up without damaging the floor.
> 
> ...


3Xthecharm thank you for your support.
I know I have bitten off more than I can chew...way way way more...but financially this was the decision that made the most sense. And owning/maintaining a home comes with these enormous responsibilities which I hope will get easier with time. Every night when I go to sleep I think to myself, "I will be OK, I will be OK, everything will be OK" and just keep repeating it until I fall asleep and it helps.

I know my husband has not changed, he's actually done nothing to show that he truly wants things to work out. I would expect him to say "YES, sure why not?" to counselling if I put it down as a condition of reconciliation, but he won't agree. He keeps saying that I should respect his family and everything will be OK. When I ask him to talk to his family and ensure he/they respect me in return, he doesn't reply. 

But if I can be perfectly honest here (what else is the point of asking for advice if I cannot be honest)...right now, I am under so much stress and I am so tired and down, that I sometimes wonder if accepting what he can offer is good enough. At least he'd be here helping with my daughter...we wouldn't be alone in the house...at least I'd have a shoulder to lean on even if it's not a strong or reliable one, at least if I got sick he'd be there to take care of things, and financially it would be easier for me. I feel like...a loser. I don't know why. And it's so difficult that I sometimes want to ask him to come and live with us, knowing nothing will be different, knowing I'd just have to accept what he can give and not complain about the rest.

It doesn't mean that I will do it. I won't. But the internal turmoil is really taking its toll.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Rea: Super stressed.*

Think about this. You feel like a loser now? That pales in comparison to how much you will feel like a loser once you take him back knowing he hasn't changed and doesn't plan to. Remember what that life was like and how much you disliked it? And he's even more religious now than he was then. Your life will be miserable and your daughter will very likely grow up to repeat it. She needs to see her mother as strong and independent -- not the subservient person your husband wants you to be. He still plans to keep you in your place and I can only guess how deep that goes in your culture. 

You need to file and get it over with. Your hesitation makes him think you'll take him back. And truthfully? I think you will take him back because the same signs are there now that were there the last time you took him back (stressed, tired, down). That wasn't good for your daughter then and the next time will be even worse for her because she's older now and she sees the conflict when you're together. Is that what you really want?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The painters suck! Have never heard of painters not putting down drop cloths. Call the company and tell them the mess they've left you in and tell them (don't ask) you want them to take care of the clean up or pay to have your floors refinished. 

If the paint is latex, it will be easier to get up than oil. I've peeled up some from the wood floor with my finger nail.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> But if I can be perfectly honest here (what else is the point of asking for advice if I cannot be honest)...right now, I am under so much stress and I am so tired and down, that I sometimes wonder if accepting what he can offer is good enough. At least he'd be here helping with my daughter...we wouldn't be alone in the house...at least I'd have a shoulder to lean on even if it's not a strong or reliable one, at least if I got sick he'd be there to take care of things, and financially it would be easier for me. I feel like...a loser. I don't know why. And it's so difficult that I sometimes want to ask him to come and live with us, knowing nothing will be different, knowing I'd just have to accept what he can give and not complain about the rest.
> 
> It doesn't mean that I will do it. I won't. But the internal turmoil is really taking its toll.


Im glad to see that you wouldnt take him back. I understand that just being with him sounds like the easy, comfortable thing to do, but in reality, it isnt. Just think about how he's made you feel over the years... the blatant disrespect of you and your needs. I know you are overwhelmed. I've been exactly where you are, and more than once, so if anyone gets it, its me. And if anyone knows there are better things on the other side, its me, too. 

Hang in there. Its worth it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> The painters suck! Have never heard of painters not putting down drop cloths. Call the company and tell them the mess they've left you in and tell them (don't ask) you want them to take care of the clean up or pay to have your floors refinished.
> 
> If the paint is latex, it will be easier to get up than oil. I've peeled up some from the wood floor with my finger nail.


Long story...
First time they painted upstairs and told me it was "finished", I was upset at the quality of the work as well as the primer stains they left on the ceiling which they weren't supposed to paint at all. They had drop cloths in most places (not all).

After a big argument, they brought in another guy to help fix mistakes and finish up the rest of the work. This guy didn't use drop cloths. Yeah the walls look great but the floors have teensy paint flecks all over the place...it can be removed with warm water and lots of scrubbing but it'll take me a month. Two floors of hardwood...every room. Can you imagine?

If I ask them to come fix it, they'll use solvent and most likely destroy the floors which will force me to refinish them.
If I ask them to pay for refinishing, they won't...they most likely won't answer my call. (I called, and also left a text message telling him what's happened to the floors and that I regret hiring them.)

I have argued with so many people this month. The movers, my landlord, the painters, my dad, my sister, even the cashier at the local hardware store. They're all legitimate arguments (no I'm not crazy) but I'm just wondering why I'm attracting so much negative energy from the universe. I dislike myself. I feel like there MUST be something terribly wrong with me that I encounter all these negative situations and people. My brother says it's because I sometimes speak harshly.

I do.
I AM harsh. I am angry. Angry at life, angry at my situation, angry that I have to do the work of two people by myself, angry that I've developed plantar fasciitis in my foot and that on top of the other stresses, my health is not good. And I'm only 31...but I feel like I'm 60. I'm trying to heal, I'm trying...but it's so hard. Sometimes I want to drop everything and disappear.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

*Re: Rea: Super stressed.*



Openminded said:


> Think about this. You feel like a loser now? That pales in comparison to how much you will feel like a loser once you take him back knowing he hasn't changed and doesn't plan to. Remember what that life was like and how much you disliked it? And he's even more religious now than he was then. Your life will be miserable and your daughter will very likely grow up to repeat it. She needs to see her mother as strong and independent -- not the subservient person your husband wants you to be. He still plans to keep you in your place and I can only guess how deep that goes in your culture.
> 
> You need to file and get it over with. Your hesitation makes him think you'll take him back. And truthfully? I think you will take him back because the same signs are there now that were there the last time you took him back (stressed, tired, down). That wasn't good for your daughter then and the next time will be even worse for her because she's older now and she sees the conflict when you're together. Is that what you really want?


I've thought a lot about what you wrote.
No I don't want my daughter to go through all that again, or myself. That's why I haven't asked him to come back, even though he says he wants to...I know he will leave us again.

I guess what's making this hard for me is, remembering his good attributes. He helped with cleaning the house, he changed diapers, he babysat, he did love me and showed his affection. He didn't hit me or cheat on me.

I'm afraid that if I do file, I will regret it a couple of years from now when I'm alone and even more tired and stressed than I am now. While he'll be in a new relationship.

I don't know a single person in a "good" marriage...everybody says that marriage is hard work and nobody is perfect. Am I expecting perfection from him? Are my expectations too high?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Im glad to see that you wouldnt take him back. I understand that just being with him sounds like the easy, comfortable thing to do, but in reality, it isnt. Just think about how he's made you feel over the years... the blatant disrespect of you and your needs. I know you are overwhelmed. I've been exactly where you are, and more than once, so if anyone gets it, its me. And if anyone knows there are better things on the other side, its me, too.
> 
> Hang in there. Its worth it.


You hit the nail on the head. Taking him back sounds like the easy comfortable thing to do.

Over the years he did mistreat me and make me feel like sh!t, and other things were always more important than the family we had created. I'm wondering if he has changed enough for us to have a chance. He lives alone now, and I think the difficulties of living alone will make him realize what he's lost. But his family will always be such a huge pain point...forever and always. My relationship with my dad is in such shambles that I feel like my relationship with my own family is not good, so how can I expect it to be good with my ex's family?

Let me put it this way...ever since I got separated, I feel like people dislike me. And it hurts me. Marriage protected me from that. My therapist was right...you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I do have support from my mom and siblings...but there are so many other people I don't have support or encouragement from, in fact I know they are rooting for me to fail. For some reason, I think about that and it hurts me. The social stigma of this divorce will never go away. Sometimes I pretend that I live by myself with my daughter in a far-away city, away from everybody I know, and only then I feel better.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Rea: Super stressed.*



Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm afraid that if I do file, I will regret it a couple of years from now when I'm alone and even more tired and stressed than I am now. While he'll be in a new relationship.
> 
> I don't know a single person in a "good" marriage...everybody says that marriage is hard work and nobody is perfect. Am I expecting perfection from him? Are my expectations too high?


What makes you think that THIS is your future? YOU are in charge of it now, and only YOU can make the choices in your life to make sure that you don't end up like this. As far as him being a new relationship in the future... he will do the same exact thing to any new woman that he did to you. His family will always take priority over any partner he ends up with. Don't think that he is magically going to be husband of the year to a new woman, because he wont be. 

I have to tell you...those two marriages that I ended? I have never ever had one second of regret for ending them. Not one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, your expectations are not too high. But your situation is obviously complicated by your culture. Conservative cultures don't tend to support separated/divorced women. That's likely why you feel that people dislike you now that you're separated. They very well might at this point. They disapprove strongly of your situation because they feel you are a threat to the status quo and they use their disapproval to try to force you back in line. And that pressure is often very effective. 

My guess is that once you're divorced then you'll be under immediate pressure to get married again. Be careful when you get to that point and don't let them rush you into another mistake. Take your time with choosing someone because now you have your daughter to consider too.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> No, your expectations are not too high. But your situation is obviously complicated by your culture. Conservative cultures don't tend to support separated/divorced women. That's likely why you feel that people dislike you now that you're separated. They very well might at this point. They disapprove strongly of your situation because they feel you are a threat to the status quo and they use their disapproval to try to force you back in line. And that pressure is often very effective.
> 
> My guess is that once you're divorced then you'll be under immediate pressure to get married again. Be careful when you get to that point and don't let them rush you into another mistake. Take your time with choosing someone because now you have your daughter to consider too.


Openminded, you are very understanding of the fact that culture plays a huge role in my divorce.
If I could move away from my relatives and start life fresh, I would. But this is not feasible for me, due to the fact that my daughter should not be isolated from her father or relatives. It's not just me I'm answerable to...

Yes, a couple of people close to me are using their disapproval to pressure me back in to an unhappy marriage. Yes, this disapproval and stigma is a huge burden on me. It's had a strong effect on my mental and emotional wellbeing. I'm fighting the battle...I'm fighting hard internally to stay strong. I'm trying to focus on the people who do support me and love me, rather than the ones who do not.

I am so terribly hurt by my own father, who used to support me so much during my first separation, but who now disapproves and barely says a word to me. I tell myself not to look for water in the desert.

3xnocharm, you are right, it is up to me to ensure I don't end up regretful and unhappy. Only I am in control of that. But you didn't answer the other question I had...is there any such thing as a truly happy married couple, and are my expectations too high? Everybody I talk to has serious problems in their marriages...either due to in laws, or finances, or a myriad of other issues that occur in marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not intending to answer for 3x  but, yes, there are very happily married couples out there. They may have the usual ups and downs of life but they are happy. Unfortunately, there were none of those in my family -- but there were also no divorces in my family either. I grew up in the South in a very conservative place and married in the late 1960's. I know very well the pressure to stay married. To conform. To not upset family dynamics. 

When my ex-husband first cheated over 30 years ago, one of the thoughts that went through my mind when I was considering divorcing him then was that I would have to explain that to my mother. Since she stayed for me when my father cheated when I was 14, I knew she would expect me to stay too and I ended up doing that for another 30 years. I should have gotten out when it first happened. 

I never underestimate the power family can have because I know I allowed mine to strongly influence me much longer than I should have.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe;1609062
But you didn't answer the other question I had...is there any such thing as a truly happy married couple said:


> There are truly happy married couple. I am quite happy in my marriage of over 20 years. We are happy as a couple (not talking about kids) and still in love with each other. The reason we are able to stay happy and in love is that we work at it each day. I love my H now more than I did when I first met him because I know who he is now, more than ever. I know that he loves me more too.
> 
> One of the reason we are able to stay happy and together is that we protect our marriage from outside influences. We have each other's back and front:laugh:. We don't let anyone into our marriage, not his family and certainly not friends. It's the two of us against the world.
> 
> ...


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Not intending to answer for 3x  but, yes, there are very happily married couples out there. They may have the usual ups and downs of life but they are happy. Unfortunately, there were none of those in my family -- but there were also no divorces in my family either. I grew up in the South in a very conservative place and married in the late 1960's. I know very well the pressure to stay married. To conform. To not upset family dynamics.
> 
> When my ex-husband first cheated over 30 years ago, one of the thoughts that went through my mind when I was considering divorcing him then was that I would have to explain that to my mother. Since she stayed for me when my father cheated when I was 14, I knew she would expect me to stay too and I ended up doing that for another 30 years. I should have gotten out when it first happened.
> 
> I never underestimate the power family can have because I know I allowed mine to strongly influence me much longer than I should have.


See, that's another thing. These days I hear a voice in my head saying, "He didn't cheat on me, and he didn't hit me." And I remember his good attributes. Then another voice reminds me of the bad times...the really bad times, and how I wasn't able to cope. That's how I know I'm kidding myself when I consider that I might be able to live with the fact that I'd be in last place on his list of priorities. Well, not last, but certainly behind his religious hobbies and biological family.

You're a very strong person for staying in an unhappy marriage 30 years...and even stronger for leaving it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> There are truly happy married couple. I am quite happy in my marriage of over 20 years. We are happy as a couple (not talking about kids) and still in love with each other. The reason we are able to stay happy and in love is that we work at it each day. I love my H now more than I did when I first met him because I know who he is now, more than ever. I know that he loves me more too.
> 
> One of the reason we are able to stay happy and together is that we protect our marriage from outside influences. We have each other's back and front:laugh:. We don't let anyone into our marriage, not his family and certainly not friends. It's the two of us against the world.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this with me. I truly and wholeheartedly was starting to believe there is no such thing as a happily married couple. Is this your first marriage? (I hope it's OK that I asked.)

I would be completely fine with him pursuing his religious hobbies freely, except he makes it very difficult by imposing it on me. He'd wake me up at 5am in the morning to pray together...I'd ask him to let me sleep because I'm stressed out and need rest, and I'll pray when I wake up later, but he'd keep insisting, day after day until we'd argue. And when we did end up arguing, he'd say I was being disrespectful. Uhm, you're the one waking me up at 5am even though I've asked you many times not to!! :frown2:

Even if I do agree to being a part-time wife in a part-time marriage, he'd constantly be trying to change me in to something I don't want to become.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are many reasons for divorce and cheating is one for sure. It can be a powerful motivator to get out and I finally did. But I definitely consider myself weak to have remained for an additional 30 years (it did take a considerable amount of strength to get out after a very long marriage). Of course, like all cheaters, he swore it would never happen again and I believed him. The hope that your spouse will change is what keeps many in less-than-happy marriages. The problem is that change is very difficult and few are motivated enough to succeed. 

The truth is that he and I were not at all compatible. But we were very young when we got married and I didn't see the incompatibility issue for many years. By the time he cheated, we had a child to consider and I didn't want to break our family up. I was conditioned by my upbringing to endure and I did. But I greatly regret those three decades I stayed after he cheated and that's why I very rarely support R when cheating is involved. 

It's true your marriage doesn't involve cheating or physical abuse (the two big reasons people divorce) but you are very incompatible and the more religious he becomes the more difficult he will make your life if you stay with him. Love alone obviously doesn't guarantee happiness. I wish it did but there has to be a lot more than that. 

My life since the divorce three years ago has been very happy. And I'm finally at peace. You will be too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> 3xnocharm, you are right, it is up to me to ensure I don't end up regretful and unhappy. Only I am in control of that. But you didn't answer the other question I had...is there any such thing as a truly happy married couple, and are my expectations too high? Everybody I talk to has serious problems in their marriages...either due to in laws, or finances, or a myriad of other issues that occur in marriage.


Of course there are, even if I haven't gotten to experience it myself. One example is my own sister and her husband, married 26 years this month.. very solid, happy marriage. Also one of my best friends and her husband, married 25 years, also happy and stable. Another friend's folks are at 41 years, and still in love. 

So it CAN happen...its a matter of picking the right partner and working on things together. (my picker is extremely broken!)


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Orange, this is my first marriage. I grew up with extremely toxic parents and their marriage was so ugly. I have learned from when I was young all the wrongs things, so I knew what not to do. I was not going to live my life like them. I was going to be a good parent and wife. 

At first it was really hard accepting my happiness and my H's love. I kept expecting him to leave or not love me anymore. It was an internal struggle and my H was so patient. 

One of our pet peeves is that my H does wake up at 5:00 am on the weekends. So, he makes us tea and we have a little chat and I go back to sleep. Once, in a while I get upset with him for waking me up. But if he was annoying and insist I get up to make tea, I will be pissed.

You need to stop picking your marriage apart. Accept that it did not work out. It did not work because of his actions not your's, so there was nothing that you could have done to change the results. If someone does not want to change, there is little you can do.

File for your divorce. Learn from this. Learn to live a happy life with your daughter. Eventually you will find someone, who will make you happy. You now know what you don't want.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I truly believe I am at the "depression" stage of my separation/divorce. Before this, I had bouts of feeling down, but mostly I encouraged myself to be strong and stay motivated. That strength/motivation is gone. I can safely say that I have never been this conflicted in my entire life...and it has taken its toll.

I love him, or rather I love and miss the husband I used to have. Thinking about our happier days together really breaks my heart. It's a deep sense of loss that I'm not sure I'll ever get over. Maybe in many corners of my heart, he will always be the funny handsome young guy I fell in love with and married. When he says "I love you", it hurts me so much...because it makes me stuck. I can't move back and I can't move forward, and this limbo hurts.

I've been unwell lately (plantar fasciitis in my feet) and he's been really kind by asking me how I am and bringing groceries. At first I was upset, I told him not to ask about me, to only keep it about our daughter...we aren't a couple anymore. But he was kind and showed concern. Which honestly made me even more conflicted and in turmoil.

Today we had a conversation about our relationship. He wants to get back together and deep down, because I love him, I do too, but I told him that he hasn't changed anything and that his religiosity has become a problem. There are certain things that are non-negotiable to me, and that's where we clash. Even if we did get beyond the past hurts, and his family was no longer an issue, and I accepted that we'd rarely see him, the fact that he keeps trying to impose things on me that limit me are not acceptable. 

Openminded, we really are two incompatible people. We wouldn't be happy together. He'd be crushing my dreams and I'd be crushing his. The trouble is, ending the marriage also crushes my dreams and I don't see myself with a new partner (ever) and that loss hurts me. This experience has changed me so much as a person...and right now I feel like it's all negative changes. I feel harsh and tomboyish and I don't like myself.

brooklynAnn, aside from a miraculous change of personality/character/values etc. on my part or his part, you are right that there's nothing left to do than to file. Staying in limbo is too painful. He needs to be able to move on with his life and I need to be able to heal...I can't heal if I'm still hanging on to false hope. When I was little, my parents fought a lot too and I remember promising myself that I would not put my child through that. When I was married, I thought I had it all...a really caring/kind husband and I felt blessed to not be repeating my parents' relationship. I didn't realize I was in the honeymoon phase, and that it would end and the stresses of living together with my in-laws would tear us apart. I can sit here and say "I wish he wasn't stubborn at that time" until the cows come home but the reality is that he WAS stubborn, he made his choices and I made mine.

Being alone is not easy, and I suppose it will only get harder. But somehow I have to live with my decisions, and nobody can help me do that, except maybe praying to God and having faith that life will get better. One thing is for sure...nobody else is going to do that for me. It's all on me, to have a positive good life. I don't see that happening right now through my depression but I promise that I will try. 

Maybe the most painful aspect of all this is, I remember myself, how I used to be, and I'm not that person anymore. I lost my ability to trust people, to see the best in everyone, and I've become mentally and emotionally weak. Somehow I have to get back on track, if for no other reason than to teach my daughter to lead a positive life.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I told him that I cannot be 4th place on his list of priorities, first is his religious obligations, then his mom and siblings, then our daughter, then me. That's too far behind on the list of priorities.

He said first is religion, then it's me/our daughter/his mom/his siblings in second place. That there is no third or fourth.

It made me shake my head. You can't make everyone happy, and to try is insanity, and that's why our marriage fell apart. He can't make his mom and siblings happy, and make me and our daughter happy too. We have conflicting needs. He will have to choose who to prioritize at times. For a happy marriage, you have to make your spouse and children your priority.

I do need to stop picking our marriage apart. It ended 2 years ago when I walked away from the emotional and verbal abuse...why haven't I been able to let go? I need to let go. I literally have dreams where I'm dying or he's dying, and he's always in those dreams.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You haven't let go because you keep hoping he'll change. Right now you're in limbo -- and you've been there for quite awhile. That encourages him to think you'll eventually give in because you've done that in the past. Your history says to him that all he has to do is be persistent and you'll let him back in your life -- regardless of how hard-line he's become. And his thinking will not only affect you, it will affect your daughter too. She will not have the life you want her to. 

Keep telling yourself he hasn't changed and isn't going to because that's the unfortunate truth you need to accept. While he may love you, he just doesn't love you the way you need for him to. Who knows if that's because he can't or he won't but the fact is he doesn't 

Letting go of someone you love is tough. Very tough. BTDT. But sometimes that's the choice you have to make.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Orange Pekoe I've never posted in any of your threads. For some reason I feel compelled to do so now.

I've been through everything you can imagine. My cancer. My wife's cancer. Serious surgery for both of us. Failure of a law firm. Loss of investments. Daughter's serious illness. Death of parents. The only constant in all of this was (still is) my more than wonderful wife.

If I have learned anything it's this: Inch by inch is a cinch. Yard by yard is very hard.

You are trying to go yard by yard now. You need to break life down by inches. You can handle the inches.

Best wishes to you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> You haven't let go because you keep hoping he'll change. Right now you're in limbo -- and you've been there for quite awhile. That encourages him to think you'll eventually give in because you've done that in the past. Your history says to him that all he has to do is be persistent and you'll let him back in your life -- regardless of how hard-line he's become. And his thinking will not only affect you, it will affect your daughter too. She will not have the life you want her to.
> 
> Keep telling yourself he hasn't changed and isn't going to because that's the unfortunate truth you need to accept. While he may love you, he just doesn't love you the way you need for him to. Who knows if that's because he can't or he won't but the fact is he doesn't
> 
> Letting go of someone you love is tough. Very tough. BTDT. But sometimes that's the choice you have to make.


Thanks Openminded. 
He looks at me in a way that tells me how much he wishes we were together. It's going to hurt him a lot (the divorce), but it's probably hurt me more (mental health-wise). I'm really concerned about my mental health...evenings when I am tired I have no patience for anything. Feeling like everyone's talking about me and hating on me doesn't help. Most of the time it feels like I'm the only single mom in the world working full time, taking over a new house and raising my daughter. I feel so alone. I'll make time to see my therapist again.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> Orange Pekoe I've never posted in any of your threads. For some reason I feel compelled to do so now.
> 
> I've been through everything you can imagine. My cancer. My wife's cancer. Serious surgery for both of us. Failure of a law firm. Loss of investments. Daughter's serious illness. Death of parents. The only constant in all of this was (still is) my more than wonderful wife.
> 
> ...


That's good advice. I've been repeating it to myself daily. Thank you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Thanks Openminded.
> He looks at me in a way that tells me how much he wishes we were together. It's going to hurt him a lot (the divorce), but it's probably hurt me more (mental health-wise). I'm really concerned about my mental health...evenings when I am tired I have no patience for anything. Feeling like everyone's talking about me and hating on me doesn't help. Most of the time it feels like I'm the only single mom in the world working full time, taking over a new house and raising my daughter. I feel so alone. I'll make time to see my therapist again.


The disapproval of your culture is an added issue, I'm sure. I divorced very late in life and family and friends were lining up to disapprove but I'm at the point where I no longer care. However, I wasn't brave enough to divorce in my early 30's when DD1 happened because I feared too much the disapproval of my mother (no divorces in my family). 

When my son was growing up I worked full-time and often felt like a single parent because my then-husband was very involved in his career (which involved a lot of travel) as he climbed the corporate ladder. I remember well coming home at night exhausted and having a very active toddler wanting every moment of my attention. It's tough but that stage doesn't last long although it seems endless when you're living it. The upside to my life is that it made me a very strong and independent person. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. 

Your husband doesn't want a divorce and neither did mine. Unfortunately, it was necessary for me to get one -- as it is for you. It's not easy but the peace on the other side is worth it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> The disapproval of your culture is an added issue, I'm sure. I divorced very late in life and family and friends were lining up to disapprove but I'm at the point where I no longer care. However, I wasn't brave enough to divorce in my early 30's when DD1 happened because I feared too much the disapproval of my mother (no divorces in my family).
> 
> When my son was growing up I worked full-time and often felt like a single parent because my then-husband was very involved in his career (which involved a lot of travel) as he climbed the corporate ladder. I remember well coming home at night exhausted and having a very active toddler wanting every moment of my attention. It's tough but that stage doesn't last long although it seems endless when you're living it. The upside to my life is that it made me a very strong and independent person. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
> 
> Your husband doesn't want a divorce and neither did mine. Unfortunately, it was necessary for me to get one -- as it is for you. It's not easy but the peace on the other side is worth it.


I'm so glad you've finally achieved peace and contentment in your life. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I have too much on my plate now and I have to slow down, take a deep breath, and focus on being a positive person around my daughter. She doesn't need to see me moody and irritable in the evenings. I feel very guilty about that. I also feel guilty that I have to leave her with my mom during the days while I work. 

You said your experience made you more strong and independant. I felt that way last year, but this year I just feel weak, not strong. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way. 

This morning I was getting ready for work and in a big rush, I sneezed and the mascara I was using got onto my face. Got so frustrated that I literally yelled "F MY LIFE". I was instantly taken aback but honestly that's how I've been feeling lately about my life in general.

I used to be a person who obeyed "authority" and now I have so much contempt for authority! I don't just challenge it, I have a deep deep contempt for it. My dad didn't respect my opinion as I was growing up. My husband didn't respect my opinion during our marriage. Now that I don't obey either male "authority figures" (in my culture that's usually how it is, men make the decisions etc.) I'm seen of as a rebel and dangerous. Maybe most of it is in my head and I'm making it out to be much worse than it actually is...but yes, culture plays a huge role because divorce is not an isolated decision. It affects families and family dynamics and communities. 

I hope to God that I can pull out of this a strong and confident person like you. Someone who makes her own way and keeps her wits about her and becomes full of integrity, someone resilient yet compassionate. Cause it feels like I'm at my wit's end.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Girlfriend, you have got to calm down. Stop picking apart your marriage. Stop taking all the responsible for your broken marriage. Stop looking at the people in your life to get positive affirmations.

Easier said than done. I know. But take 5 minutes each morning and be bitter and howl at the moon for life being so unfair. And after that wash your face, put on your war paint and hit the road. Shoulders back, head up and chin out. 

Dont think of any of those things for the rest of the day. When the thoughs come crawling in your head. Lock them down. Think of something else. Practice this and eventually you will put all that negative thoughts aside and make room for all great amazing things.

Get a mantra for those times. I am strong, I deserve to be happy. I am open to being happy. Universe send me some happiness. Repeat until you belief and repeat some more.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm so glad you've finally achieved peace and contentment in your life. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I have too much on my plate now and I have to slow down, take a deep breath, and focus on being a positive person around my daughter. She doesn't need to see me moody and irritable in the evenings. I feel very guilty about that. I also feel guilty that I have to leave her with my mom during the days while I work.
> 
> You said your experience made you more strong and independant. I felt that way last year, but this year I just feel weak, not strong. I wonder if it's normal to feel this way.
> 
> ...


It's a tough road for sure but I know you can do it! 

I grew up in an ultra conservative time and place and it strongly influenced my life for decades but I'm not that person anymore. You'll be amazed at how much you'll change.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Hang in there!!!!!!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Girlfriend, you have got to calm down. Stop picking apart your marriage. Stop taking all the responsible for your broken marriage. Stop looking at the people in your life to get positive affirmations.
> 
> Easier said than done. I know. But take 5 minutes each morning and be bitter and howl at the moon for life being so unfair. And after that wash your face, put on your war paint and hit the road. Shoulders back, head up and chin out.
> 
> ...


I've been practicing this advice for the last few weeks. It's helped. Thanks!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Usually when he drops our daughter off to me, he asks how I'm doing, hugs her a lot, lingers around for a couple of minutes and then hesitatingly leaves.

This week, he simply dropped her off and said bye. He looked kind angry, but there was no reason to be.

Then I realized his car was parked on the other side of the street. It was dark so I couldn't see much...but I did think it was strange since he usually just parks next to the driveway. I thought about it and thought about it, then I realized his mom must have been in the car. This was confirmed a few days later since my daughter was playing and asked me why her Grandma wouldn't come inside the house.

Seriously...is this not comical? The other woman is his mother. Always has been, always will be. I'm not sure what he's afraid of but he won't even be his normal self when she's watching his interactions with me.

Ugh. I'm glad to be reminded of why the marriage ended. Lately I think about all the stuff he did which caused me to leave and separate in the first place and it helps un-depress me!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Usually when he drops our daughter off to me, he asks how I'm doing, hugs her a lot, lingers around for a couple of minutes and then hesitatingly leaves.
> 
> This week, he simply dropped her off and said bye. He looked kind angry, but there was no reason to be.


Good, this is what he SHOULD be doing, not lingering around like that. You can tell him to go, you know... don't worry about hurting his feeling or upsetting him. He has no business in your space!



Orange_Pekoe said:


> Then I realized his car was parked on the other side of the street. It was dark so I couldn't see much...but I did think it was strange since he usually just parks next to the driveway. I thought about it and thought about it, then I realized his mom must have been in the car. This was confirmed a few days later since my daughter was playing and asked me why her Grandma wouldn't come inside the house.
> 
> Seriously...is this not comical? The other woman is his mother. Always has been, always will be. I'm not sure what he's afraid of but he won't even be his normal self when she's watching his interactions with me.
> 
> Ugh. I'm glad to be reminded of why the marriage ended. Lately I think about all the stuff he did which caused me to leave and separate in the first place and it helps un-depress me!


YES, this IS comical! So glad this realization is helping you!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Good, this is what he SHOULD be doing, not lingering around like that. You can tell him to go, you know... don't worry about hurting his feeling or upsetting him. He has no business in your space!
> 
> 
> 
> YES, this IS comical! So glad this realization is helping you!


Usually I do "hint" to him that it's time to leave. I'll tell my daughter we have to get ready for bed, or ask her to say goodbye since it's late. 

I just thought it was really comical that he felt obligated to look/act stern with me around his mother. No doubt it's how she expects him to treat me. And this man expects me to change my mind and take him back...weird.

Of course, I could be all wrong and maybe they had an argument and he truly was upset.

There I go again...dissecting my "marriage" (brooklynAnn) lol.


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