# Falling in love and age



## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Curious to hear some opinions on this one.

As men age, let's say 40 +, do you have a tendency to fall in love faster, very fast, or should I view that as a red flag.

A bit vague, I know, but would like to hear your thoughts.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as far as 'falling in love', i think we tend to do that quicker when we're young, because we don't really understand what real love is at that age.
we think it's like the movies. real love is not.
we haven't had time to go through the fire yet. serious illness, loss of job or business. kid problems. life's blows that will test you to the limits and from it, real love emerges.

that's why later in life, i think i have been more leery of saying 'i love you', because, been there done that, only to realize it wasn't real love.

so i would say the opposite might be true?


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

That was my way of thinking but I'm now involved with someone in that age range who seems to be getting serious very fast.

So I wonder, is it a red flag? Is he telling me what he think I want to hear just for sex? Or are some people just able to move that quickly?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Not a guy, but I think at any age, falling in love within days or weeks is a potential problem. It could still work out ok, but typically falling in love very very fast is a problem because you don't know each other well enough yet to know how the other person acts in certain circumstances like when you or they are sick, when a tragedy occurs, or in times of extreme stress. So you may feel in love, but then when sh*t hits a fan and they turn into someone you don't even recognize, now you are just confused...instead of realizing you didn't really know them yet.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LivingAndLearning said:


> So I wonder, is it a red flag? Is he telling me what he think I want to hear just for sex? Or are some people just able to move that quickly?


It could be either or Both and many other reasons.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You don't need love to have sex. All it takes is for you to say yes. I am sure he is willing.

Be warned if he really is falling in love quickly, having sex with you will strengthen his emotion.

How long have you known him?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I am guided here by Steve Covey, who says "Love, the verb, leads to love, the noun". In other words, a true deep love can only come about after some period of time when two people act lovingly toward each other. So, the notion of "falling in love", as in, within moments of meeting someone, you know he/she is the one for you - not realistic. That quick heart-throb thing usually means you saw something in the other person that you wish you had in you - but it doesn't mean they're good material for a long-term relationship with you.

So, if love, the noun, arises out of a period of time when two people act lovingly toward each other, then what exactly does it mean to "act lovingly" toward each other?

Here, I'm guided by Sue Johnson, author of "Hold Me Tight", in which she explains how adults attach to each other voluntarily in secure ways.

Dr. Johnson claims to have cracked the science of romantic love, and she says this about it:
Romantic Love can be seen as three behaviors that show the other person that they mean something to you. It can be remembered by the Acronym A.R.E.

A = Are you there for me? When I need to reach out to you, are you usually/always there, and not preoccupied with your phone, the dog, your job, your family of origin? Will it be abundantly clear, when I reach out, that I am your priority? Are you able to respond to me even when you are mired in difficulties of your own?
R = Responsiveness: Do you Respond to me when I reach out? If not 100% of the time, then at least 98% of the time? Responding, that is, in a way that is supportive, whether you agree with my particular need or not?
E = Engagement. Are you engaged with me, treasuring every moment we spend together, wanting to know me more broadly and deeply, and sharing as much about yourself with me as is possible? Do you take particular pleasure in those areas where we have vastly different opinions, using these differences to build entire castles of understanding and growth?

For me, I'd say when I was young, my heart would go bumpity-bump when a woman I didn't know very well said something to me that showed great insight into how I think/feel/believe...I always felt it was hard for people to understand me since I was always different. 

In my late 30s, early 40s, if a woman made such a comment, I'd keep listening to make sure it wasn't just a casual comment she made that just happened to sync with my views of myself...sometimes people are in the habit of saying similar things to many people. About that age, too, I had fully embraced that love was not likely to "just happen", I'd need to spend quality time with a person and see that she wanted to spend time with me, or there wasn't any point letting an emotional attachment grow.

Now at about 60, I believe I can let myself feel love for anybody, so it's not even an issue...now, the questions are more related to whether she wants to live a life with me that we'll both enjoy. Similar levels of desire for couch-potato versus exploration, for instance.

Just my thoughts....


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

I've only known this guy for a relatively short time. We knew each other briefly quite a few years ago but the timing was all wrong and we lost contact. Got back in contact a couple months or so ago.

I actually like this guy a lot and we somehow just seem to click. Just a little worried that he may not actually feel the same way and I'll end up hurt.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wait, you said he is falling in love quickly. Now you are worried he may not like you?


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Wait, you said he is falling in love quickly. Now you are worried he may not like you?


Yes, I just wonder whether something that builds that quickly can be real. Or just a flash in the pan, or maybe just words to get sex (and if it is that, it worked).

I've never been with someone who has progressed this quickly before.

Perhaps I'm just overthinking because of the fear of being hurt.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

As vague as you are being, no one here can give you an accurate answer. Maybe a little info/background on said man would produce more educated advice.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What he said ^^^


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

What would you like to know


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LivingAndLearning said:


> Yes, I just wonder whether something that builds that quickly can be real. Or just a flash in the pan, or maybe just words to get sex (and if it is that, it worked).
> 
> I've never been with someone who has progressed this quickly before.
> 
> Perhaps I'm just overthinking because of the fear of being hurt.


 Here is my question to you.. as every woman is different.. what would cause you to get hurt ?? Probably sounds like a dumb question.. if you trust him, his words.. this would allow you to let your defenses down more so, to open up more vulnerably , emotionally and physically... 

If you come to learn he was just saying these things.. to get into your pants earlier.. and maybe it will fall apart.. would you regret that you went there, If in a month or 2.. he moves on ? 

Each woman must answer these questions -for herself... personally I'd feel he is moving WAY TOO FAST.. I'd not be able to trust -even in someone's ability to KNOW or feel "Love" this quickly.. at best it's *infatuation*.. 

Until a couple has shared undue amounts of time, enough to get on each others nerves, meeting family, friends, sharing laughter, our values, what we love , what gets on our nerves, testing our compatibility... maybe even some tears and some conflict.. with each day passing... feeling closer to someone, that assurance of their feelings coming back -where you hardly need to ask.. because it is given.. then and only then .. would I trust the words to come.. But that's just me .


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

LivingAndLearning said:


> What would you like to know


Your Romeo's background. Is he a Christian, Buddhist, whatever? Is he a ladies man? Does he have children? Is he divorced? If yes, why? How is the relationship with children, if any? How is the relationship with ex-wife or ex-wives, if any? Is he a violent man? Is he a drinker? What is his temperament?

These types of questions. We can't form a good analysis on him if we don't know much about him.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

EunuchMonk said:


> Your Romeo's background. Is he a Christian, Buddhist, whatever? Is he a ladies man? Does he have children? Is he divorced? If yes, why? How is the relationship with children, if any? How is the relationship with ex-wife or ex-wives, if any? Is he a violent man? Is he a drinker? What is his temperament?
> 
> These types of questions. We can't form a good analysis on him if we don't know much about him.


Ok, well he's not particularly religious and nor am I. He get's a LOT of attention from women. Good looking and intelligent. There was even an instance of other women openly trying to flirt while I was right there but he handled it appropriately. Never been married and no children. Has never shown me any signs that he could be violent. Drinks socially but not to excess. Temperament wise, very laid back, doesn't sweat the small stuff. Patient, which I know is ironic given how fast things are moving. Quiet initially but not lacking confidence or shy. Not superficial.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I met my H online..... in a chatroom. We talked w/ the group for a long time. After a year, we decided we'd like to meet. Awesome idea....huge click! Shortly after he started with the L word. Kinda freaked me out. But, we talked.... all the time....about everything. So we talked about how I wasn't sure about the whole L word thing. 

Really, I didn't trust myself to KNOW what was real, what was flattery, what was just things/words I wanted or needed to hear. So I gave myself time...not sure how long it was, but I questioned the relationship for a while. Just making sure that it was good and positive. I was LOOKING for the negatives, looking for "red flags". I felt very smart, and independent...and at the same time unsure about the relationship being really real. 

He was calm and consistent, and he woo'd me. THAT is what I needed.  

It wasn't him... it was me. I had to learn to "read him" and to trust what I think I read! 

After another year, I moved a few states away to be with him. New start. I was pretty confident, but still vigilant. I HAD to look out for myself...and I did. I had a Plan B. Just in case. 

That was 11 years ago. It's been wonderful. He still woo's me. I still love it. Married with the big blended family and the whole nine yards.

Long story to say.... take YOUR time. Do what feels right for YOU. Do not compromise yourself. Do not put up with stuff you know you shouldn't have to put up with. It shouldn't be difficult. If it's hard....then its not the right relationship. You have to be ok with yourself and your own life....and the relationship is a wonderful bonus. He has to bring positive to your life. He should be a bright spot, not a headache. 

And, communication is EVERYTHING.

(And yes, we had awesome sex the whole time I was trying to figure things out. I figured the sex was a plus for the relationship.  A "positive". )


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LivingAndLearning said:


> That was my way of thinking but I'm now involved with someone in that age range who seems to be getting serious very fast.
> 
> So I wonder, is it a red flag? Is he telling me what he think I want to hear just for sex? Or are some people just able to move that quickly?


Red flag maybe. People who want to move along quickly may have motives that have nothing to do with love or desire. Scam artist, players, the desperate, need for a place to live or money. Does he seem like he is too good to be true? 

Don't lend him any money or listen to sob stories or get into any financial entanglements with him. How well do yin know him? Have you met his family and friends? Has he integrated you into his life? Is he married, engaged or have a gf. What ia his relationship history? Is he employed? 

Slow things way down until you know who he is. It's impossible to love someone you don't know. If he is a scam artist, he'll lose interest if he has to work too hard to close the deal.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

He's over 40 and has never been married. Why? Has he at least had a history of long-term cohabitating relationships?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I know I am way, WAY more cautious now and take my time. I see relationships as steps. Getting to the next step is not a rush and when it happens it happens. Unfortunately that has aggravated some women I was interested in but I don't see an end game in relationship....just a gradual progression.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LivingAndLearning said:


> Curious to hear some opinions on this one.
> 
> As men age, let's say 40 +, do you have a tendency to fall in love faster, very fast, or should I view that as a red flag.
> 
> A bit vague, I know, but would like to hear your thoughts.


I am not sure that "I" fall in love faster over the age of 40, but my penis falls in love at first sight.

Seriously, men after age 40 generally have their career together and are more financially secure. Before a guy has a real grasp of their profession or knows that the can always get a job, they are reluctant to buy a house and get a mortgage, marry a woman, have kids, "settle down." Most men by arge 30 to 35 are starting to think about or getting ready to "settle down." 

Not quick sure what you mean by falling in love.


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## robertzell (Sep 19, 2016)

There is probably not a question of age, and temperament. By myself I know that falling in love saychas (almost 44 years) and 20 years of the same. Just now, in front it is the brain, and then the heart.


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## josephddiazz (Sep 20, 2016)

I think with age we become wiser and know better. The beginning is always exciting and that excitement might be temporary. But also when you know you know. Sometimes you get lucky and you find the right person like that.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

Thanks for all the advice.

All in all I think I've met a good guy with lots of potential as a partner and the rest is just my own insecurities talking.

So, slowing things down a little and just letting things unfold at a more comfortable pace.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

LivingAndLearning said:


> Thanks for all the advice.
> 
> All in all I think I've met a good guy with lots of potential as a partner and the rest is just my own insecurities talking.
> 
> So, slowing things down a little and just letting things unfold at a more comfortable pace.


The word _real_ is mentioned in your thread. It reminded me of a snippet from The Velveteen Rabbit. 

'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.'

You have each met someone wonderful. It makes sense to let things unfold bit by bit, being real with him and for yourself. Maybe with time, you'll discover those insecurities are no longer needed.


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## LivingAndLearning (Jun 17, 2014)

heartsbeating, those are beautiful words and resonate with my situation. Thank you for posting.

For not it's time to remember that life is a journey, not a destination. Relax, enjoy the ride and in due time those insecurities will melt away. If not, it'll just be another one of life's lessons.


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