# Husband Caught Sexting Young Coworker



## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

First of all, joining this site and making this post is a huge step. I am feeling so alone and lost I do not know where to turn. One thing I do know is that I need to release and tell my story. Hoping there is some advice available.

My husband and I have been together for 8+ years, and have been married for a year and a half of those. We have always been open and honest with each other. I feel as if that is what our strong marriage has been built on and now that the trust is broken, it is hard to even think about how fairytale like the past was...

Anyway, he had befriended a young girl at work (18 year old) and I was ok with the relationship because I trust him completely and he is an easy guy to get along with and to confide in. People often go to him for help and advice because he is knowledgeable and wise. I have male friends that I confide in and it's not topics I wouldn't bring up to my husband, they are simply friends that I trust their opinion and advice with. My husband knows this as well and it was just something we have always been ok with. Until...I noticed he was texting this girl often. Daily. I could see her name on his screen from a distance. When I walk past him he would quickly turn the phone away/press the screensaver button. I asked him if something had been going on and he said no, that they were just friends. I asked him more than once, over the course of 6 months or so. He continually said no. He said "I should just stop talking to her" I said yes thank you I think that is best. Then I still noticed that they were texting. 

Well, he got a new phone. I asked to have his old phone to use it for the camera. Well long behold, upon lots of searching (he thought he deleted the messages) I found explicit messages between them. He asked for naughty pictures. She sent them. He would tell her how hot she looked at work, said things that he was going to do to her...she said that he couldn't do things to her because he was "tied down" and he said "I've already crossed the line what's the difference?" 

I blew up. Took our 3 month old baby (Yep, a child is involved.) to my parents and stayed there for 4 nights. I am now staying home trying to make it work. He swears nothing physical happened. I am trying to believe him but I cannot. Especially after he had lied so many times. I know he is sorry. Remorseful. Regretful. He breaks down and cries in front of me...saying how embarrassed he is. He says the things he said were things he could never do in person. I asked him why he did it...he still doesn't have an answer. In my opinion you don't text someone things like that without having an underlying motive. He said something about comparing it to phone sex. Yeah...phone sex is for men who are single, boring, and alone. And not to mention it's not someone who you work with. He had an emotional fair. He went behind my back. He lied repeatedly. I was so invested in our relationship. It was perfect. We tried for awhile to have a baby and when it finally happened...everything felt right. And suddenly it was gone. OH, he also said this has been going on since before I was pregnant, so over a year ago. 

There is much more I could say but I will leave you with this. If I think of any more valuable information I will be sure to add it. If you have read this long post and are able to formulate a response, I appreciate it greatly.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Before I'd discuss the sexting I think I first need to get some fundamentals of marriage out of the way. It is NOT okay for him to have this female friend at work even if nothing was going on. It is NOT okay for you to have male friends that you confide in. Those things are out of bounds in marriage. Failing fundamentals like this is how things start going astray. You know, like sexting a "friend."

Definitely DO NOT confide this issue you've brought up here with your male "friends." I guarantee you at least one, if not both, will jump at that chance, that little split in the union, to make a move on you. That's why you don't have opposite sex friends in a marriage.

I feel we must address this out of bounds behavior before we move on to the sexting itself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lucille: What is your and your husband's ages?*


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I believe that there is a high probabililty that this EA was actually a PA.

But it doesn't really matter because of this ...

"said things that he was going to do to her...she said that he couldn't do things to her because he was "tied down" and he said "I've already crossed the line what's the difference?" " 

What this tells you is that if he wasn't physical with her, it wasn't because he didn't try. That he didn't want to. 

That statement shows you can't trust him and that he will cheat on you (if he hasn't already) when the opportunity is there.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

All I can tell you is what I, as a woman, think I would do in your situation.

I would leave a husband who did this to me. A man who has an affair - and this is an affair - while I am pregnant and giving birth is a man who would never deserve me.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

lucille10 said:


> Especially after he had lied so many times. I know he is sorry. Remorseful. Regretful. He breaks down and cries in front of me...saying how embarrassed he is. He says the things he said were things he could never do in person. I asked him why he did it...he still doesn't have an answer.


He knows why he did it. He is afraid to admit it, probably even to himself. He saw a young pretty girl and wanted her. She showed him an interest so he pursued. 

Is he really sorry he did it?, or sorry he got caught? Is he embarrassed that he did it? or afraid of how it will make him look when you share this information with family and friends (which you should if you haven't already). 

What steps is he willing to take to prevent him from cheating or getting into this type of situation again? Does she still work at this job? If so, he can't work there anymore. If you plan to divorce him, let him keep his job to pay alimony. But if you consider reconciling, he needs to find a new one. And You get full access to all of his communications to everyone and anyone.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

He works with her, so he sees her daily? How do you know he hasn't actually slept with her?


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## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

Thank you everyone for the responses.

I will try to cover them all.

KingwoodKev: I can understand where you are coming from, but that is not how either of us were raised. I believe married or not, you should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. A friend is a friend. I could go deeper into it but, not now. 

Arbitrator: My husband is 37 and I am 26. So...a lot goes through my mind when I consider that...am I getting "too old" for him...does he want to be reminded of the time when things were fresh, fun, and new for us? Even so, no excuse. If he wanted to talk dirty, and spice up the relationship I would have been elated! 

SadSamIAm: He swears nothing was ever physical. I would like to believe him. But I do not know how...I have asked him so many times because of the fact he lied to me before and it was easy...why not do it again? I told him that if I found out later it'd be way worse than him being honest with me right now...that I respected his honesty more than anything. He seemed adamant that nothing ever got physical. They didn't hang out outside of work (to my knowledge). I want to believe him...I want to so badly. Even if things didn't get physical...the comments he made made it seem like it wasn't too far from getting there! You're right... I can't trust him. I wonder if I ever will. If I can't...well, then we don't have a future :-\

Acoa: You're right. The reasoning sounds legit he just does not want me to hear it and does not want to admit it. I believe he is embarrassed that he did it but also because of my family, and yes, they know. You know...I don't really think he is sorry, he is sorry he got caught. I believe this because it has been going on for OVER a YEAR! Wow. I couldn't believe it. He had plenty time to stop. He still does work with her yes. He has agreed to get a new job. To leave his phone unlocked. He said he will do whatever it takes to repair the marriage. I know he will...but I can't even accept that it happened. How can I move forward with the relationship if I cannot accept this?

Staarz21: Not daily, but I think 3x a week at least. And I do not know the answer but I am simply just trying to believe him.....I don't...but I'm trying.

Thank you all again....


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If this has been going on for over a year, she might have been 17 when it started and I believe in most states would be considered statutory rape. You might want to mention to your WH that if proof comes up of that, including naked pics, he could end up as a registered sex offender for possession of child porn. 37 is old enough to know better.

Honestly, I'd try to find her parents and let them know.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Opposite sex fiends are fine -- if they are friends with both of you. That said I don't go out solo or confide in my wife's girlfriends.

If my math is correct - you were 17/18 and hubby was 28/29 when you started dating. To be honest I find this age gap inappropriate - but not my place to judge. But clearly he has a thing -- even now -- for young ladies. He's now 37 sexting with an 18 year old. If she was any younger they'd lock him up.

Age aside, he is sexting another woman, and would have and may have f-ked her while you are pregnant with his child. And believe me intent was there. Opportunity may or may not have been but he would have.

This is a man of highly suspect character, and not a man to raise children with.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

I believe she is 19 now. I believe all this did happen when she was a legal adult. Anyway, I just want my relationship back or start over but I don't know what is right for me right now...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Lucille - You are young and don't want to truly see a future without your H, but we know here that if you don't get tough, you will have little chance of recovering this.

He has to see real consequences. Right now he knows that you will probably suffer through this and let him stay. The real consequences will be for you in that case, since it will continuously and unrelievedly torture you.

I would kick him out at least for long enough to give yourself some time to process. If you don't let him know that you simply will not put up with this, he will have no compunction about doing it again.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> Before I'd discuss the sexting I think I first need to get some fundamentals of marriage out of the way. It is NOT okay for him to have this female friend at work even if nothing was going on. It is NOT okay for you to have male friends that you confide in. Those things are out of bounds in marriage.  Failing fundamentals like this is how things start going astray. You know, like sexting a "friend."
> 
> Definitely DO NOT confide this issue you've brought up here with your male "friends." I guarantee you at least one, if not both, will jump at that chance, that little split in the union, to make a move on you. That's why you don't have opposite sex friends in a marriage.
> I feel we must address this out of bounds behavior before we move on to the sexting itself.



*Kev is 100% correct on this point. A lot of men are "pigs" just looking for a chance to screw a young, unhappy, wife who has come to them for advice and comfort. Yeah, they'll "comfort" you all right, probably in the closest bed they can maneuver you into. Don't trust them!!! Believe me the only thing they're interested in is nestled between your legs. I wish the best for you. It's possible that this has shaken your wh to the core. He realizes he's about to lose his wife and child, and he's in a panic trying to somehow get out of this. Work with him, if you can, but don't fall for a lot of cheap lies and promises. *


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He was 29... Going after 18 year olds.

He is 37... Going after 18 year olds.

When he is 55... He will be going after 18 year olds. You really want him around your child's friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

There's no excusing whatever he's done.

The only thing that makes me think it may not've gone physical is her 'you're tied down' text. She, at least, is cognisant of a boundary being in the way.

Also, think less 'motive', more 'need'. It may've started out innocently enough - noting that my large store, manager brother never had a workplace teen on his private phone - and his need drew him beyond where he ever thought he'd go.

The REAL interesting texts would be the early ones to see how it began. Then to see if the pattern is always him pushing more than she is.

She's not the one who took the vows but, in the little provided, she's the only one close to suggesting they're a problem for her.

That's about as rosy a spin as you'll get and it ain't good.

Exactly what need was she fulfilling? Thrill of the chase,, or did he just wanna get in her pants?

Either way,, you're entitled to satisfactory answers. Be sure you get 'em.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> If this has been going on for over a year, she might have been 17 when it started and I believe in most states would be considered statutory rape. You might want to mention to your WH that if proof comes up of that, including naked pics, he could end up as a registered sex offender for possession of child porn. 37 is old enough to know better.
> 
> Honestly, I'd try to find her parents and let them know.


Ha! My husband worked with a guy, (late 30's), that was having an affair with a 18 year old, (they think it started when she was 17). He got caught by the wife but it went underground. When the wife caught wind of it again, she called the girl's parents up, told them everything and they were livid. All three of them, wife and the girls parent's, showed up at the fire station to confront him. Totally embarrassing for the guy but he deserved it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He was 29... Going after 18 year olds.
> 
> He is 37... Going after 18 year olds.
> 
> ...


*I totally agree! :iagree: 18 Year Old stuff sure seems to be his common denominator, doesn't it, Philly? I would guess that old habits die hard ~ no pun intended!*


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## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

Thanks again everyone.

alte dame: Thank you for your support. I am trying to be tough. I guess I came home after 4 days because I know that as long as I'm at my parents I'm not trying at the relationship...and I guess I wanted to start trying something than be at a standstill...I thought I was being tough but sometimes I feel like I am being way, way too nice...but I am trying to act out of love and not fear or anger. But at the same time...I don't want to be taken advantage of (again). He did say that me leaving him for those 4 nights were a real eye opener, a kick in the face, effective. I am hoping so...

thummper: I have not communicated this issue with my guy friends. I agree it is not my place, their place, anybody's business really but ours. Yes, I understand how I could be sending a message. Therefore, I came here. To people I don't know for any kind of support. 

Flying_Dutchman: Ugh...I agree with everything. It hurts badly when I realize(d) that he was persistent and she generally enjoyed the attention (Obviously) but she wasn't being the instigator. I would have felt better if she was. But no, it seemed he was always initiating: "Hey how was your day? Could you send me a picture?" Etc. Anyway, when I asked him who initiated it in the beginning he said it was her, which I believe in a way because well, she is easy. And loves attention. And he took advantage of that fact, and she knew he would. Yes I am going to ask him the need that was being fulfilled. The answer is of utmost importance! I need to get to the root of this. I will find out. He says he doesn't have an answer as to why yet...but I need one plain and simple.

arbitrator: Honestly, he had 0 involvement with "younger women" before I came along. I know it is a weird thing getting used to...especially knowing men and their fantasies (no offense). But we fell in love. We were and still are (I thought/think?) madly in love. I wouldn't have continued the relationship for so long if I didn't think it was getting anywhere...and long behold we got married and had a child because things weren't "weird"...they were perfect in my eyes. That is why I do not understand. I asked him if the fact that she is the age we were when we first started talking was coincidental or because he was trying to relive our early years or something and he said that it was coincidental. I jokingly/madly asked if I was getting "too old for him" and he said no. Maybe all of that is true but it makes the whole situation a lot harder to deal with simply because I never thought this would happen to me considering I AM the young, hot wife. When we would talk about infidelity in random conversations he said that he would be absolutely stupid to ever do that to me/us because he is so lucky to have me (young, good looking, and pretty awesome in general I might say). 

A big part of me honestly wants to believe he had no intention of becoming physical...that it was just flirty and made him feel good (in his pants apparently ) and that it was just thrilling and fun for the time being....but really....how could I...that seems so silly to even think  

Thank you.

*Side note: I know the age thing is a hard thing to get past but I guess it seems normal to me because we have been together for so long and two of my best friends are involved in the same kind of relationship, same ages.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Opposite sex fiends are fine -- if they are friends with both of you.


Uhhh...NO!

Tell that to my STBX's friends that were supposedly friends with both of us and she slept with repeatedly, and how they claimed to be my friend while playing the "friending player" game just to get close (and some of them were my friend first supposedly), or to all the others here on TAM whom were caught up in the same issues I had with their WS and so-called friends (some whom were best friends since childhood)!! Nope opposite sex friends is never a good idea.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

The people drawing the line with opposite sex friends in this thread do realize that their reality is not everyones reality yes?

There are literally millions of people out there with opposite sex friends who don't **** them or act inappropriately at all.

Y'all know that right?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

tacoma said:


> The people drawing the line with opposite sex friends in this thread do realize that their reality is not everyones reality yes?
> 
> There are literally millions of people out there with opposite sex friends who don't **** them or act inappropriately at all.
> 
> Y'all know that right?


Depends on your definition of "friend" and "inappropriate" (and this only really applies to people in committed relationships). Plenty of these supposedly "safe" relationships are inappropriately handled, as in they do or say things that they wouldn't want their spouse/ significant other to find out about and wouldn't do in front of them with this so-called friend, which is why we end up here when discovered.

Also keep in mind there are billions of people in this world, so a small percentage doing something doesn't make it more acceptable or right (and lost of those people you are referring to are not in committed relationships, so the demographic changes in that respect)?? If that was the case then infidelity would be fine, as only an estimated 20% or less are ever caught or found out by the released figures, so why even worry about or be concerned about it as a large percentage are living with it and not being affected by the infidelity. Does that make it better or more acceptable? No, still just as wrong and no large majority/percentage makes it better.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Not harping on the age thing in general- there are situations where it's just fine. But with him there seems to be a pattern of targeting 18 year olds. 

As far as opposite sex friends. My points to go out as a couple with your friends. My wife is friends with my guy friends. But wouldn't go out with them without my presence. Same thing with her friends. And I'm friends with my friends wives. Wouldn't go out solo with them. We go out as a group but not without her. Where we run into trouble are solo one on one junkets with opposite sex fiends. Your mileage may vary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

A 37 yo male sexting an 18 yo lacks judgment. A 37 yo male who's married with kids sexting an 18yo lacks judgment AND character. I could not and would not respect a man that did that!!


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Squeakr said:


> Depends on your definition of "friend" and "inappropriate" (and this only really applies to people in committed relationships). Plenty of these supposedly "safe" relationships are inappropriately handled, as in they do or say things that they wouldn't want their spouse/ significant other to find out about and wouldn't do in front of them with this so-called friend, which is why we end up here when discovered.
> 
> Also keep in mind there are billions of people in this world, so a small percentage doing something doesn't make it more acceptable or right (and lost of those people you are referring to are not in committed relationships, so the demographic changes in that respect)?? If that was the case then infidelity would be fine, as only an estimated 20% or less are ever caught or found out by the released figures, so why even worry about or be concerned about it as a large percentage are living with it and not being affected by the infidelity. Does that make it better or more acceptable? No, still just as wrong and no large majority/percentage makes it better.


I learned the hard way. Went out with a few old friends from high school ( mini reunion) and one of my friends got handsy with me on the car ride home. He would have never tried that if my hubby was around. So count me in the camp that if you're married you shouldn't have opposite sex friends. I take that back, you can have them, but never hang out alone with or be calling on the phone to shoot the breeze!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> I learned the hard way. Went out with a few old friends from high school ( mini reunion) and one of my friends got handsy with me on the car ride home. He would have never tried that if my hubby was around. So count me in the camp that if you're married you shouldn't have opposite sex friends. I take that back, you can have them, but never hang out alone with or be calling on the phone to shoot the breeze!


I found out that even though we were of the same camp as PhiilyGuy in that we never went out with opposite sex friends solely, and only as couples. When the were at my house or we at theirs, when left alone in the same room (others stepped out to get a drink, something to eat, or go to the restroom) the WW and the OM would be all over each other, so the fact that they never went out alone made little difference here (and they knew if caught I would wreck havoc beyond belief still made no difference). Also she would leave work to be with the OM, both situations where I couldn't be available and didn't know about it. No matter how protected we are, when they want to, they will.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

stop him in his tracks. gather the evidence and expose him to his family and friends. he needs consequences for his actions. share your evidence.

he needs shame and remorse. contact OW parents too. cheaters are liars. like c0ckroaches. they hate the truth. shine the light of truth brightly.

then and only then should you decide if you wanna keep this one or toss him back.

his actions are shameful and inexcusable.

would you ever marry someone like this? well, you did.

marriage is an arrangement where she hopes he'll change but doesn't - and where he hopes she'll never change but does.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Not harping on the age thing in general- there are situations where it's just fine. But with him there seems to be a pattern of targeting 18 year olds.
> 
> As far as opposite sex friends. My points to go out as a couple with your friends. My wife is friends with my guy friends. But wouldn't go out with them without my presence. Same thing with her friends. And I'm friends with my friends wives. Wouldn't go out solo with them. We go out as a group but not without her. Where we run into trouble are solo one on one junkets with opposite sex fiends. Your mileage may vary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


her H here seems to like younger brains full of mush to manipulate...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Q tip said:


> her H here seems to like younger brains full of mush to manipulate...


Good work if you can get it... It's gotta stop though once the wedding ring goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

lucille10 said:


> ...but I am trying to act out of love and not fear or anger.


It's difficult when you come to this forum to understand that the people who respond to you are way ahead of your curve. They are speaking from well-tried experience and are giving you the benefit of that so that you might save yourself some anguish.

Some of the advice is counterintuitive, but nonetheless some posters take it and realize that it works for them. Many do not follow the lead of the people here and wind up treading the same infidelity path that we all understand so well. This is a losing path.

I think somehow that it is a process that we just have to go through.

You want to act out of love. For you, the best act of love is to love yourself and your child. This means a decent husband and father for the two of you. He is not that man. If you want him to try to be that man, you need to show him real CONSEQUENCES.

You need to realize that your anger is not a negative emotion here. It is a natural and correct response that is showing you the way. I don't think I would R with a husband who has done this, but since you seem to want to try, your best shot is to listen to your anger. 

Throw him out and file for D. You don't have to follow through with the divorce, but you have to show him the ultimate consequences of what he has done. Right now you are letting him know that you will give him some heartburn, but basically he can do what he's been doing and also have his family.

He won't understand unless you are literally walking out the door for good. They say that you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it. This, in my experience, is absolutely true.


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## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

Alte dame: thank you for your insight. I understand now. It's ok for me to be angry and have negative emotions. I am also open to any and all responses. I understand that leaving or staying is neither good or bad but rather what is best for me in the long run. I think my defensive mechanism is to try and act like everything is ok, like it wasn't a big deal.....well knowing that it most definitely is. Right now I think I'm just living in the past and possibly regret. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay. Ambivalent.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

<sigh>



Squeakr said:


> Depends on your definition of "friend" and "inappropriate" ......


I don't really think either of these concepts needs defining on this board.



> (and this only really applies to people in committed relationships). Plenty of these supposedly "safe" relationships are inappropriately handled,


Indeed, and plenty of them are handled appropriately.



> Also keep in mind there are billions of people in this world, so a small percentage doing something doesn't make it more acceptable or right


I don't believe there are any stats anywhere on the number or percentages of OSF's in relationships so speculation is pretty useless.



> (and lost of those people you are referring to are not in committed relationships,....


Nope, the people I'm refering to are all in committed relationships.
Considering the context of the discussion that goes without saying.

Truth is not everyone cheats, many of those who don't cheat have opposite sex friends.

What's right and correct for your relationship is not necessarily right and correct for anyone else's relationship.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

lucille10 said:


> Alte dame: thank you for your insight. I understand now. It's ok for me to be angry and have negative emotions. I am also open to any and all responses. I understand that leaving or staying is neither good or bad but rather what is best for me in the long run. I think my defensive mechanism is to try and act like everything is ok, like it wasn't a big deal.....well knowing that it most definitely is. Right now I think I'm just living in the past and possibly regret. I don't want to leave but I don't want to stay. Ambivalent.


I think you are running through the natural gamut of emotions.

You sound like a woman of integrity - intelligent, honorable, responsible.

Your WH has spent at least a year of his time hitting on (and most likely doing more with) a woman who is barely out of jail bait territory. Given his marital status and age, this marks him as a man of little integrity. He has also done this while his wife was pregnant with his child. This puts him even lower on the scale of respectability.

I believe that you are right that you have to do what is right for you in the long run & what that is will in the end include a partner who is mature, responsible, honest, and respectful. I think with time you will lose respect for your WH and realize that he is not your equal in terms of humanity.

This realization, however, happens with time. As I said, it's a painful process that we seem to have to go through. You sound like you will come out the other side of this process in a much better place, but the pain of getting there can be very difficult. I'm sorry for that.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I don't really think either of these concepts needs defining on this board.


Never said they needed a definition on this board, I simply stated that it depends on "your" definition. My definition I can almost guarantee is completely different than yours (I say this with confidence as I have met very few people that share the same view and opinion of what a friend is that I share, and that included my STBX, of which I knew the entire time we were together but just accepted our differences in what we thought was a friend). So what might hold true for you doesn't always hold true for everyone else and that is what I was stating. No need to get defensive or upset, just because I don't agree with you. But hey have at it if it makes you feel better in the end as i was not challenging or insulting just showing that not everyone agrees or shares your views.


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## lucille10 (Feb 24, 2015)

alte dame: Low scale of respectability absolutely. The lowest. First I think of how wrong the act is that he did, and then I think about the lying, and the icing on the cake is that we are married and have a child. Then I fall apart. I'm trying to be rational, and thank you for understanding where I'm coming from but also for being honest with what the highly probable outcome will be...I think right now we will try, maybe counseling, so that in the end if I leave I know we at least gave it a shot?

To people still discussing whether or not having friends of the opposite sex while being in a committed relationship is right/wrong: I am not saying this discussion is completely irrelevant to my case but...it doesn't really help my situation now and maybe if there are individuals who wish to delve deeper into this topic could start a separate thread?

Thank you everyone.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You stay around these forums long enough and read enough threads, you start to see clear Red Flags. And when the putcome on those stories nearly always leads to affairs, maybe then you start to understand the OSF dilema. 

OP, your husband had an affair, I do not know an easier way to say it. Was it physical? Probably, yes. "Crossing the line" or whatever he said...that means sex. If I were you I would accept the fact he did and then start the process of dealing with that. Can you forgive that? Do you want to? Sounds like you do. There are a lot of great self help books, but I would go straight to counseling if I were you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Things to remember as you work through your own feelings:

- You have nothing to feel inadequate or ashamed about. You have nothing to feel humiliated about. People out there in the world think less of your WH, not you, so stand tall.

- You will need time to let this settle, time before you really know what you want to do for the long term. Sock in for this. Understand that you're going to have a painful journey, but that it will get better. You can't make things magically be OK, but you will be better with time.

- Work hard to maintain your self-respect. You didn't deserve any of this. You are better than this.

- Never beg or act needy. The only way for your M to work is for him to straighten up and fly right. He is in no position to make you feel like you have to come to him submissively or pathetically.

- Always, always, always remember that you will survive and, in the end, thrive. You are an individual with your own life and rights. If he can't be a committed partner in R, then you don't need him as a partner at all.

Stay strong. Fake the strength until you make it.

And, of course, the best of luck.

aD


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> All I can tell you is what I, as a woman, think I would do in your situation.
> 
> I would leave a husband who did this to me. A man who has an affair - and this is an affair - while I am pregnant and giving birth is a man who would never deserve me.


Amen Sister!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

karole said:


> Amen Sister!!


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