# Long Distance Engagment: Who should move?



## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Ok, let me try to keep this short... The situation..

Engaged, we have twin girls 5 moths old.

Im a 26 year old electrician, make $39 plus benifits I don't have to pay for. Just finished school and already working work is picking up and looking bright. If I move to where she is I'm looking at a good %50 pay drop and don't know about the benefits. I have a 7 year old for previous marriage who I have half the week and don't pay child support. 

Fiancé: 25years, is a nurse makes good money.(but I do make make alone what we would make combined if I move) She is very connected to her family, friends, and job.

My fiancé wanted me to build a foundation in Las Vegas before she decides to move her, but wants me to come out to Dallas for a year or so right now. How do I build a foundation somewhere I'm not living? I feel that it's a step backwards. On top of that I'm scared of losing my 7 year old in the process. 

I know it's real short but just ask questions if it helps. Thank you in advance. I got to get some sleep. 
God Bless


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Either way one of you will end up resenting the decision. What was the plan when you decided to bring children into your lives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Family support when raising children is very important. It can mean the difference between sane and insane parents. Lol

That said you should not move away from your son. 

I can't believe your babies are born and you still live separately. 

How far away are you?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I think you are in an unenviable position.
I understand that you would not want to move away from your son and do not wish to spend any more time than necessary away from your two young daughters.

From your partner’s side she does not want to move away from the wider family support network that she has in place.

In the end one of you is going to have to compromise. If you can sit down and look at the options together and see which will work out best.

Near her family your earnings may be lower to start with but will you benefit from free family childcare that allows your partner to return to nursing. How much will it cost in travel for you to maintain regular contact with your son. What are the comparative housing costs?
Near you your wages may be good but are there openings that would suit your partner, what is the balance of childcare costs to nursing wages, could you afford a home large enough for her family to visit on just your wages?

Whatever you as a couple decide someone will end up living further away from parts of their family so do think about how that can be mitigated, Skype calls, facebook photos / updates, regular visits in both directions.

You are both young and should be able to adapt to the challenges that your lives are giving you. 

THE BEST OF LUCK


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

She is in Dallas and I'm in Las Vegas. The cost of flights from Vegas to Dallas run me on the normal $150 or less round trip!! 
I wish I could say I know parental support is a help, but I didn't have much of that raising my oldest. 

She could move to Vegas and work is an option for her. I don't need her to work but if she wants to, that's fine.
But she will make more.
If I move I'd have to spend more on child support. And at $30k less a year.... That's a big difference... 
She wanted me to be the provider like most women want from a man... So shouldn't my job be priority for our family's future? 

The fact she can expect me to leave my first born behind makes me feel she doesn't care about her. My oldest loves her sisters and is always telling me how she misses my fiancé and her sisters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She needs to move. It was her idea for you to build a life in Vegas and your son is there. Too late to back out now.

And people raise kids being away from family all the time.


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## Cora28 (Apr 30, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> She needs to move. It was her idea for you to build a life in Vegas and your son is there. Too late to back out now.
> 
> And people raise kids being away from family all the time.


:iagree:

Purely because your first born is there. I don´t think it´s fair your partner is asking you to make a choice between her and your twin girls. I know she has her family support system back in Dallas but you have your daughter in Las Vegas. I know it´s tough raising twins (I have twins also!) and having family around helps, but your eldest would enjoy that & help out, depending on her age of course, and it would help the bonding process all round.

Im without my family where I live and my H´s family don´t live in the same town either. We cope with our twins.

I wish you the best of luck!


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

She needs to move. It seems the most logical. Her family can visit. She has no real ties to Dallas. She can find a job easily, and get paid more in LV.

People move away from their families all the time. It is life. Moving away from your KID is different. That kid will feel abandoned, no matter how much you call or visit. You have a REALLY stable foundation and future where you live. If you go to Dallas, you will struggle, and family can only help so much.

Moving for only a year is a sham for sure. Who quits and moves for a year? College kids. Not adults with kids.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Why is it that she thinks I'm being selfish for thinking about my financial future when I have every intention to support us? She always says that " if I love her" ill move there for her. 
Honestly if it wasn't for my 7 year old.. Id move no problem.. I told her that.. 

A question for women and those of the catholic/ Christian faith... 
She told me the my role as the man/husband is to pastor, provide, protect. I'm a little old fashion considering my age lol... But I believe man is head of house hold and not because of who makes more but because of our ability to protect. I've always try to consider her option before doing anything drastic. 
Do you women still believe that a women should follow?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> Why is it that she thinks I'm being selfish for thinking about my financial future when I have every intention to support us? She always says that " if I love her" ill move there for her.
> Honestly if it wasn't for my 7 year old.. Id move no problem.. I told her that..
> 
> A question for women and those of the catholic/ Christian faith...
> ...


She needs to move. You can take her idea into consideration, but financially for the entire family the logical solution is for her to move to LV with you. She's testing you.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Neither of you should move. 

Since neither of you can agree and both have relatively solid reasons behind your desires to stay where you are I think you're setting yourselves up for disaster from the resentment that will brew.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

26 with one marriage already done and a 7 year-old? Implying you got a girl pregnant when you were 18 and now another one with twins? You need to tie that thing in a knot - you know how it happens now.

I agree you shouldn't have to leave your first child to be with your fiance. But... how did you meet, what with you two living in different cities far apart?


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> Neither of you should move.
> 
> Since neither of you can agree and both have relatively solid reasons behind your desires to stay where you are I think you're setting yourselves up for disaster from the resentment that will brew.


What sucks is that I'm a father who wants his kids to all be together... I want them to bond and be strong...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

We met when I took a trip to Dallas. Way beforehand got serious of course we talked about moving and my child I had at the time. She said she would move if she had to when it came to the point of marriage. That was a big influence on me continuing dating. When she became pregnant I was about to drop everything to move there to take care of her, but we decided it was best for me to finish school and graduate which I did this may.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> 26 with one marriage already done and a 7 year-old? Implying you got a girl pregnant when you were 18 and now another one with twins? You need to tie that thing in a knot - you know how it happens now.
> 
> I agree you shouldn't have to leave your first child to be with your fiance. But... how did you meet, what with you two living in different cities far apart?


We had been dating long distance for a good year before everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> We had been dating long distance for a good year before everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And what were your plans to be together? How about when she got pregnant?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> We met when I took a trip to Dallas. Way beforehand got serious of course we talked about moving and my child I had at the time. She said she would move if she had to when it came to the point of marriage. That was a big influence on me continuing dating. When she became pregnant I was about to drop everything to move there to take care of her, but we decided it was best for me to finish school and graduate which I did this may.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just saw this, so ignore my previous post.

She said she would move if she had to, when it came to marriage and now it is and she's backing out?

Nope. She has to move. Again, she's testing you.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

JJAAM said:


> She said she would move if she had to when it came to the point of marriage. That was a big influence on me continuing dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She needs to put her money where her mouth is. She needs to move. She said she would AND because your older child is there. It simply shouldn't be an option for you to move away from your older child.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Now SHE has kids with you the rules change. The twins are no more important than your oldest daughter.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Now SHE has kids with you the rules change. The twins are no more important than your oldest daughter.


Yeah I feel she doesn't put the oldest as equal to the twins, or she wouldn't be expecting me to move or keep her sisters away from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> Yeah I feel she doesn't put the oldest as equal to the twins, or she wouldn't be expecting me to move or keep her sisters away from her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't because that's not HER child. Before she had those babies she was all on board and willing to follow you anywhere.

Tell me, did the engagement come first? OR the pregnancy?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She should move.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> She doesn't because that's not HER child. Before she had those babies she was all on board and willing to follow you anywhere.
> 
> Tell me, did the engagement come first? OR the pregnancy?


Pregnancy came first.... I had truly already decided to propose to her before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> Pregnancy came first.... I had truly already decided to propose to her before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting.

Well she's played her card. Don't back down and remind her of her word prior to the twins coming along. IMO it shouldn't be up for discussion, as it was already decided and agreed upon previously.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

There was a point when I wasn't working and work was dead in Las Vegas where I was considering moving there to work till work picked up. As I finished school I ended up with a contractor that really likes me and said as long as they have work I got a job. I'm already being giving a Forman position after only finishing school a week ago. So it's looking really good, not to mention that I'm planning to open my own business. 

But for some reason she believes I have to prove to her that I love her. Like me fighting for our baby before we knew it was 2 wasn't good enough, and staying around instead of bailing out on her. Wanted to keep our babies because I knew I wanted to be with her the rest of my life. I learned a lot from having to grow up fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

JJAAM said:


> There was a point when I wasn't working and work was dead in Las Vegas where I was considering moving there to work till work picked up. As I finished school I ended up with a contractor that really likes me and said as long as they have work I got a job. I'm already being giving a Forman position after only finishing school a week ago. So it's looking really good, not to mention that I'm planning to open my own business.
> 
> But for some reason she believes I have to prove to her that I love her. Like me fighting for our baby before we knew it was 2 wasn't good enough, and staying around instead of bailing out on her. Wanted to keep our babies because I knew I wanted to be with her the rest of my life. I learned a lot from having to grow up fast.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is make or break it time.

If you cave on this and put her over your son you'll never ever live this down. Not with him or with her. She will ultimately lose respect for you despite what she says she wants now.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

JJAAM said:


> What sucks is that I'm a father who wants his kids to all be together... I want them to bond and be strong...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get it. I do. But the reality is that your oldest isn't likely to be able to trip to the new place with you. Right? Means new girl and twins have to be inbound. She doesn't want that. There will be turmoil and resentment in that house. Not home. House. Until you all figure out a middle-ground nobody should move.

That said... Have you explored bring the 7 year old with you? I may have missed it in the thread. Sorry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If she wants her husband / father of her children to be a provider and protector, she sure has a funny way of showing it.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Malpheous said:


> I get it. I do. But the reality is that your oldest isn't likely to be able to trip to the new place with you. Right? Means new girl and twins have to be inbound. She doesn't want that. There will be turmoil and resentment in that house. Not home. House. Until you all figure out a middle-ground nobody should move.
> 
> That said... Have you explored bring the 7 year old with you? I may have missed it in the thread. Sorry.


Bringing my 7 year old with me isn't an option, her mother is very involved and I can't take her way from her mother. 
At 7 years old she is very caring and loving right now.... She looks forward to coming to see me every week and vise versa... She is aware of time and days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

For some reason my fiancé thinks that my 7 year old will understand that I have to move to help take care of her sisters. 
She get this idea from the fact that her dad was away in Cali working when she was her age. I told her its not the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Stories that start in the middle are always problemmatic for offering advice.

It we start from the beginning, you have a 7 year old from a previous Marriage (?). 

You got involved in a long distance relationship. In Dallas. She got pregnant before marriage, and you are still not married.

She promised she would move if she needed to, but she is not moving. You have good enough work in Las Vegas, and will suffer a cut in income going to Dallas, plus be away from your other 7 year old. 

She has family in Dallas along with work. What would change if she moved to Vegas is not having family around her. Because she could find work. 

The only thing I can see for sure is that your fiance isn't good to her word. So moving to Dallas would be making that sacrifice for someone who gets pregnant outside of marriage and whose word cannot be trusted. 

I hope putting it that way helps you make a decision, but it isn't a very good situation you have engineered yourself into either way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JJAAM said:


> Why is it that she thinks I'm being selfish for thinking about my financial future when I have every intention to support us? She always says that " if I love her" ill move there for her.
> Honestly if it wasn't for my 7 year old.. Id move no problem.. I told her that..
> 
> A question for women and those of the catholic/ Christian faith...
> ...


I'm Catholic and a woman.

It's not that I think that women should follow. I think that a couple has to do what makes sense for them.

For you all living in Las Vegas seems to make the most sense. 

If she moves to Las Vegas she can take some time off with the twins. Twins are a lot of work. You can support her for a while. 

I am sure that there are good nursing jobs in Las Vegas for when she wants to return to work.

No child support is HUGE. If you more you have to pay child support as well as pay for your child to visit you. You will not be able to afford this and support your new family.

You need to take care of all your children, not just your twins. I get the impression that your fiance is trying to minimize your child's place in your new family. This is not fair of her at all.

If all of you live in Las Vegas, with those low air fairs you will be able to visit her family in Dallas often. Plus they will be able to visit you.

Las Vegas makes more sense. Stand by that.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

It makes absolutely no sense for you to move to Dallas. Her only reason - her family ties - for being in Dallas is nothing compared to all the reasons you have to stay in Vegas. And you have family ties too - in Vegas - your own child! That trumps any other family tie she may have.

And please, please don't leave your 7 year old. Just don't. "Daddy left me to go be with his new family." -- that is how your 7 year old will feel


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Ok, I got to add this cause of course it's a more recent event that now is the reason for her not moving here.

She now doesn't trust me and has alway think I don't love her or care about her.

The other day I said fine ill come and get one of them to come visit with me for awhile. "Who is going to watched them" she ask... A friend of mine I trust... This friend is an ex I dated for a really short moment of like 3 months... She watched my oldest so I trust her, and she is 40 years old now lol ... She asked if I dated her I said no, she caught me in a lie. I know there is no reason for a lie. I was a bit pissed and just denied it. But now she say she doesn't trust me, and no matter what I do is not good enough... All I ever did for her in the past seems like it was never good enough... 

So what y'all think? 

I've been trying to make up to it but she won't let me. Just wants to keep arguing about it.


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## JJAAM (May 21, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Stories that start in the middle are always problemmatic for offering advice.
> 
> It we start from the beginning, you have a 7 year old from a previous Marriage (?).
> 
> ...


Yes my 7 year old is from previous and yes we still are not married.
She could find a job easy and she said it her self she wouldn't have a problem finding one. Smh .... If I go to Dallas I maybe out of work at least a month minimum and not to mention( no offense to anybody) but Dallas is crap when it comes to working construction out there. I only know cause there are so many that left Dallas to come to Vegas lol 

And like I said I want and can support her but now she says I don't give her emotional support... Wtf?!??? Seriously it's like one excuse after another... And she feels this whole post is one sided... 

I said I was trying to post any of our fight we have cause that was the topic. I told her to sign up read and post her side so y'all can see how we both see it... 

God Help me!!!


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