# Sex, NO BUENO!



## BoggledAsHell (Dec 14, 2021)

Here's some quick info about my current marriage: husband 51, me 48, he has 2 children ages 25 & 16, and I have 3, ages 24, 19 & 15; we have no children together. I've been married one time for almost 20 years (this husband was verbally abusive and cheated on me at the end), my current husband has been married twice; once for 8 years, and then his 2nd wife passed away after being married to her for about another 8 years (both of these women ended up cheating on him). We met in 2014 and got married in the fall of 2016. At that time, he was EVERYTHING that I needed at the time. I remember praying every night and thanking God for bringing such a wonderful man into our lives.

In just about all aspects of being a husband in a blended family, he ticks the boxes, EXCEPT we don't have sex. In the 7 years that we've been together, we've had sex maybe 50 times; 3 times this year. Early on, I thought it was just because the configuration of his home was weird. His bedroom was next to his young daughter's room and he didn't have a door on his bedroom, because it was an archway. At times, she would venture out and into his bed at night. Through the months of getting to know him more intimately (I would ask him questions about what he likes, doesn't like, stuff like that) I began to notice it was always me who was the initiator. He confided that he didn't have sex until he was 23 and that to him, masturbation is taboo; he's never done it or even thought about it. He also said that he had never received oral sex.

We got engaged in 2015, and I built the house that we now live in. Part of me always thought that once we got in our home, with doors, the sex would ramp up to a normal level, but it never did. After my first failed marriage, I promised myself that if I was ever in another relationship, I would never just sweep issues under the rug, I was going to be more vocal about things and not let hurt feeling fester to harbor animosity. I have cried my heart out to my husband on more than one occasion about this and how it makes me feel. I've tried giving him an abundance of sex (mainly oral, he really like it), thinking that he will see that it's always available to him and that I want to make intimate connections with him. I've also gone the route of offering up nothing, thinking that maybe he would say something or it would spur him on into asking for it. All I get are CRICKETS! I have been with a few different men, and I can tell you that I have yet to come across a man that doesn't think about sex or want it 95% of the time that it's dangling in his face. My husband's parts work just fine, he just doesn't seek any sex. One time we had sex and he used a toy on me. It was awesome, and I made sure he knew it. I even sent him a text the very next day telling him how great that was and that we can do that again any time. It never happened again.

I ask him if it's me. Are you angry with me about something? Am I doing something (sex wise) that you don't like? Are you not physically attracted to me? I even asked him if he felt shy and unknowledgeable about sex compared to me. I tried to reassure him that learning about each other intimately can be so fun, funny and rewarding. I mean, come on, sex is funny with all the unplanned noises and things that happen during. I love sex! He always responds and says that I'm beautiful and that it's just him and who he is and that he realizes that it isn't fair to me and that he will try harder, but that thought, TRY HARDER, goes out the window in about 48 hours and we are right back to where we started. This has been going on for years now, it's a constant circle of me vocalizing my needs, him making promises that get broken and me feeling neglected, hurt and lied to. I warned him early on, that if this lack of intimacy continued, I would begin to build up walls to protect myself, I know myself and how I react to things like this. This lack of interest in sex makes me wonder if this is why his previous 2 wives ended up being unfaithful.

Over the last few years, I've noticed some things about my husband. He's afraid to make any decisions (restaurants, clothing, should I get my truck washed) on his own. He seems to like a more sedentary, at home life. I'm adventurous and like to travel. I told him that I went on a 6 mile hike and his reply was that he'd never do that. I used to try to find ways to engage him in things. I'd ask him to play cards, or shoot pool or play a game with me or even suggest places to go on Harley rides. He doesn't ever ask me to do stuff like this. I swear, if I didn't bring up going for a ride, the Harley would sit in the garage all summer. He doesn't show me any interest in doing things with me; it seems like he'd rather watch crime dramas or football and it hurts. I buy us concert tickets, I surprise him and take him to college football games, I plan the vacations; just once I'd like to be on the end of receiving the surprise. I'd like to join a gym and get healthier, and I was hoping he would want to be my workout partner, but no, he doesn't want to do that. He's gotten very complacent. If I receive a compliment from another man, he gets all pissy about it. I put a new profile picture on FB and received some nice comments from guy friends and he gets all jealous and competitive. Sometimes I get a lot of text messages or general notifications and when my phone alerts me to them, he'll respond with...what is that, your boyfriend? Then I always catch him giving me side eye trying to see who I'm interacting with. I have never done anything that should make him think that I'm being unfaithful and the boyfriend comment, makes me even more resentful. Maybe he just feels insecure because he knows that someone else could be meeting my needs?

So, here we are today. I have confided this to 4 of my top friends, 2 male, 2 female. They all say that I need to take care of me and not worry about others so much. They know that I'm not happy. Those walls that I mentioned, have been building higher and higher over the last 6 months and now they are protecting my heart. I can truly say that I don't know if I see him in my future. He will lovingly rub my leg or neck and when he touches me, I want to shrink away from his contact. It's so sad. My thoughts in regard to him are more negative than positive. I really don't want him to touch me now or even talk to me sometimes. Our conversations are almost extinct. I've told him how angry that I've become over this, and that I know things don't even have a chance to get better until we get to the root of the problem and go through some counseling; which we cannot afford at this time. I mean, if he isn't going to open up to me about his sexual issues, is he going to with a stranger? Never in a million years did I think this marriage would be suffering to the degree that it is. I'm just so hurt and I don't feel needed. I know he loves me, because he tells me, but where is the intimacy and passion that proves it and is this fair? I feel like we are roommates. My friends tell me that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS and they are right. My 23 year old daughter is aware of what is going on and she told me that she hasn't been impressed with him for 2 years, due to his negativity, drama and choices. I told my best friend that it would tear me apart to have to tell him that I've made the decision that we go our separate ways (again I know he loves me). Her response was that I'm again caring too much about his feelings and not mine. She says first and foremost I deserve to be happy and fulfilled. All I'm feeling is resentment, confusion, hopelessness and fear of the future. Do I stay with someone who is a great family man, but not capable of meeting my needs intimately? Am I putting too much emphasis on sex?

Here's a kicker. He talked with my best friend about buying me a puppy for Christmas and she told him don't do it and that just because I said those dogs were cute and I was looking at pictures of puppies, it doesn't mean that I want a dog. We already have 3! As it turns out, he didn't listen to her and now I have a new dog coming this Friday. I could kill him. I feel like this is his way of trying to quick fix an issue that's been festering for years. Why would you buy another friggin' puppy, we both work full time jobs and no one can run home to give it attention during the day. This man just doesn't think anything through! Please help.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well sorry you are here. You probably shouldn't have married someone that you aren't satisfied with sexually or in any other manner. Thinking it was going to change wasn't fair to him.

3 times a year is low. Has he ever had his T-levels checked? Is he on antidepressants or other meds that might interfere with libido?

Let's just pretend his T-levels are low and he gets that fixed and starts having sex. That really doesn't change that he's boring to you.

Also you paragraph sounds like someone who didn't look before they got married or is currently rewriting things to make themselves feel better about thinking about cheating.

What a mean thing to say to him that he's lucky you don't cheat. That's a low blow for anyone yet alone someone you know has been cheated on 2 times. 

Lastly, If sex is so important to you then divorce him. Don't cheat, don't threaten to cheat and for god's sake next time marry the person who is before you not the person you think they are going to become.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

At least instinctively, conceptually you knew from the get go that there was a fly in you soup, but you rationalized it as "it'll get better", and proceeded with marrying him. Know that you know that that fly in your soup was there for a reason; you have on your shoulders a decision to make. He must be low desire, probably has always been even in his teens, and at over 50 you must be delirious if you think that he's going to get all "soup up" as far as sex is concerned. Quite the contrary, his sexual desire is getting lower and lower, eventually him not wanting sex at all. That's the most probable scenario for you. Now decide if you can live this way or not.


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## BoggledAsHell (Dec 14, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well sorry you are here. You probably shouldn't have married someone that you aren't satisfied with sexually or in any other manner. Thinking it was going to change wasn't fair to him.
> 
> 3 times a year is low. Has he ever had his T-levels checked? Is he on antidepressants or other meds that might interfere with libido?
> 
> ...


Yes, he has had his testosterone level checked (or so he told me) and everything was normal.

I don't know where you got the idea that I have plans to cheat on him. I am not like that at all. I've been open for discussion with him on all of this and I get nowhere except empty promises from him.

I don't think it was a mean thing to be honest with him. Unfortunately in today's world, infidelity runs rampant as soon as minor issues arise in a relationship. I see it all the time and thankfully I was raised that it's a sin, so cheating to fulfill my sexual needs is not an option.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BoggledAsHell said:


> Yes, he has had his testosterone level checked (or so he told me) and everything was normal.
> 
> I don't know where you got the idea that I have plans to cheat on him. I am not like that at all. I've been open for discussion with him on all of this and I get nowhere except empty promises from him.
> 
> I don't think it was a mean thing to be honest with him. Unfortunately in today's world, infidelity runs rampant as soon as minor issues arise in a relationship. I see it all the time and thankfully I was raised that it's a sin, so cheating to fulfill my sexual needs is not an option.


He needs to look at the T-levels himself many doctors say 'fine' when it isn't healthy. 

anyways if he says he'll work on it and he wants to please you. Have you just tried scheduling it? Like every Saturday night?

but that would change the fact you are very resentful about a lot of other things too. Is sex going to make the 4th dog ok?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I am your age and I’d say 3x/week is low sex, 3x/year is deader than parachute pants.

You have given him fair warning to figure out what he wants and he’s not stepping up. So…


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

When I read your post I can't tell if you are looking for advice on how to reconcile the marriage or if you are looking for validation to end it?

I'll err on the side of you wanting to reconcile. Sex in marriage is somewhat of a melting pot for self development. Problems with intimacy do tend to be good signals that there is something that needs attention. More often than not these issues are equally shared by both you and your husband.

While you don't provide many details it sounds like you can have as much sex as you want, but that you will be the one responsible for initiating sex. If you want him to use a toy on you, I imagine that if you turned it on, placed it in his hand, and guided it to get things started, that you could get him to do that as much as you want. He would eventually respond (as you say his manly parts work fine) and you could have all the sex you want. So why don't you do that? 

Is it because you need to feel needed? Is it that you want to feel wanted? Is that you want him to put some effort into pleasing you that lends itself to you not knowing what he will do next to excite you? .... it is normal to want those things. Those are the things that tend to feel really validating and reassuring that a partner cares about you and wants to please you. For sure getting a puppy that needs to be trained is not going to solve problems. But you need to ask yourself, what areas of personal development do you need to get over the above and have as much sex with your husband as you want? Obviously he needs work as well including exercising with you and being a better companion. 

Do you want to know to know the purest definition of true love? This is somewhat of a joke, but I want you to really think about it!!!! The most true definition of love is that between a puppy and the person that didn't want to adopt it. That one made me laugh when I heard it, but it got me to thinking. What is it about not wanting a puppy, allowing yourself to feel anger towards one, and then succumb to the unrelenting attempts that it will make in your life to be accepted and loved. What magic do puppies possess that allows them to overcome some of the developmental challenges that us humans struggle with on a daily basis. 

Find a grumpy old man sitting alongside the dog he absolutely did not want to adopt, and you will see what mutually caring and true love looks like. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Find a grumpy old man sitting alongside the dog he absolutely did not want to adopt, and you will see what mutually caring and true love looks like.
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Probably not the best anecdote for solving problems related to sex, but the joke really illustrates the idea of acceptance and doing whatever it takes until you get it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sorry, but your marriage sucks. You already have one foot out the door. Your husband simply does not want to change. Maybe this is your husband's idea of "love" but it certainly doesn't cut it for you. So you don't want to exit this marriage because he says he loves you? Meh. His saying he loves you means squat. Talk is cheap.

I'd suggest you make major changes come the new year. Frankly, your husband sounds like a colossal dud to me. I'd pull the plug on this one.

He does exactly what he wants to do (as in buying you a puppy you don't really want), and tosses you a bone every now and then by professing his "love" for you. I call total b.s. on what he says.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People that want to have sex - have sex. 

He wasn’t lacking in sex because he was in a bedroom that didn’t have a door and was next to the kid’s room.

He lived in a house with no bedroom door next to the kid’s room because he didn’t care about sex. 

Whenever I’ve looked at apartments or houses, the first criteria I look into is how much sexual privacy and discretion will be afforded by the floor plan. 

Some people are simply duds in bed and they just aren’t very sexual beings.

Your H is one of them. It’s how he is. It’s not really due to anything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> People that want to have sex - have sex.
> 
> He wasn’t lacking in sex because he was in a bedroom that didn’t have a door and was next to the kid’s room.
> 
> ...


I agree. First thing I look at when buying a house is whether it has a good fenced backyard because having a dog is my priority. I guess there are people who don't pay as much attention to practical layout of a house though, but if it were a priority they would have done something to remedy it by now. 

I only say there are some who don't pay attention to it because I used to work for a home builder and see a lot of the competitions homes as well and the layouts often made no sense to me. Like putting the laundry room by the garage in a 4000 ft two-story home. Nobody is going to want to carry their clothes down to the laundry room when they change out of them and certainly no one's going to want to carry baskets and baskets up and down stairs. But yet that's how a lot of houses are built.. so I have to assume besides home builders there are also people out there who don't think ahead.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

BoggledAsHell said:


> I can truly say that I don't know if I see him in my future.


That is what sticks out the most to me in your post.

Everything hinges on that. If you don't see him in your future, there is no need to try and work on things anymore.

My point is that people really need to be intentional about things. Don't sit on the fence about this and just let more time circle the drain.

If you keep doing what you've been doing, it's going to end in divorce and you know this.

Look, I'm not telling you to divorce him. Just take action.

Tell him this. Tell him that you are unhappy and you are beginning to think you no longer see or want him in your future.

When you tell him that, his reaction will be telling. Will he be angry? Will he begin to take steps to actually work on things?

I mean, if you don't tell him, things are going to end at some point and you know it.

I don't want you to waste more time. Don't just sit back and slowly circle the drain.

Work like hell on this, or get out. Keeping on with the status quo is your worst option.

I'm not telling you to leave him. That may be what happens, but don't waste a lot of time staying in the status quo when you already KNOW where it's going to lead the two of you.

Cut that wasted future time out by either working like hell on this together, or by working on your divorce together.

I'm sorry you're in this boat and I wish you well going forward.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

_"He also said that he had never received oral sex."_

uh, that would be more YOUR fault than his!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

if sex is really important for you, dump him.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Leave


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> _"He also said that he had never received oral sex."_
> 
> uh, that would be more YOUR fault than his!


I think she was talking about before they got together. Face it he’s a dud.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think she was talking about before they got together. Face it he’s a dud.


a dud?
or an Asexual.
sounds like more the later.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I'm not telling you to leave him. That may be what happens, but don't waste a lot of time staying in the status quo when you already KNOW where it's going to lead the two of you.
> 
> Cut that wasted future time out by either working like hell on this together, or by working on your divorce together.
> 
> I'm sorry you're in this boat and I wish you well going forward.


if he was Asexual, find out what the endgame would be for your relationship.
Like if he is never going to enjoy having sex, and it is critical to you, you would need to figure out a way forward.

the basic three:
divorce
live with it
get a hall pass from him for sex from someone else (assuming the rest of the marriage is good, and he is amenable to such a solution)


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

Did you have sex with him before you married him? If not then it seems you suddenly found out what happens when two people get married without having sex. I made that mistake of not having sex with my future wife and it was the worst mistake of my life. IF your sex life was great before marriage then I am not sure how you can fix it. IF he is as jealous as you say, you can always tell him that you want and need sex and he needs to step up or you may have to divorce him since you have lots of options. It is probably why both his wives cheated on him. 

He has a Harley? Learn to ride and take it out riding and tell him he can come or stay home. Start doing things for yourself and live your life without him. Don't wait for him to wake up because I doubt he will. So either divorce him or learn to live like you have, buy several "BOB's and use them in front of him. Tell him you are taking the Harley to Sturgis and Daytona and you will see him later.


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