# Started paperwork and feel bleh...



## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

This week my lawyer sent out communications to my ex, asking for paperwork/documents etc. whatever they need...

I feel kind of bleh...mixed emotions. Some relief that the proceedings are finally moving forward and in the next few months hopefully all will be finished. 

Some sadness that I am having to go through this process...
Some anger/regret/guilt/shame that that we are in this situation...

And some anxiety about the financial burden of this current situation....

All in all, this is making me quite emotional, and my mood fluctuates quite a bit. It doesn't help that my therapist has decided to quit practice, so I am in the process of finding a new one that i can establish a rapport with. I just feel quite drained.

Anyway, I am just venting because I know people here understand...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are feeling is pretty normal. The best you can do right now is to take good care of yourself, keep a good social life, etc. The only way through this is right through the middle of it. There will come a time when all this is lifted off you. And you will be fine.


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

Thank you for words of encouragement...I sometimes feel silly that I was only married for a year, and yet I am still grieving almost a year later. Sometimes, I feel like I need to snap out of it and be like, its over and done - move on already!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So, what are you doing for yourself?

You might have been married for only a year. But think of how you would feel if you had been married 10 or 20 years and then divorced. Think of what you would feel like had you stayed married for decades? 

Realize that you dogged a bullet. You were smart and got away. 

Be glad for that. 


And again, what are you doing for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself?


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> So, what are you doing for yourself?
> 
> You might have been married for only a year. But think of how you would feel if you had been married 10 or 20 years and then divorced. Think of what you would feel like had you stayed married for decades?
> 
> ...


I am not doing anything specific this month but thats because I am in a different city for work/training purposes/ furthering my career. I don't know anyone here, so I try to do some sight seeing when I can. 

When I am at home, I try to do things with friends when work permits, I go to my dance classes once a week and I work/study. The one thing I have been better at since separation is planning vacation time. I will say that between this trip I am on to figure out next career move and lawyer fees, my finances are a bit tight. And therefore, Ideally I would love to go see my parents for a bit but can't for the next few months. It's no excuse really, I should still be able to do "cheap" things. I guess there is some apathy that has set in recently.

And yes, I am glad I didn't stay longer. I wish I had figured out even sooner, but hindsight is 20/20.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hindsight is always 20/20. Just wish we would see so clearly much earlier.

I can be hard to find the time to do things with work and study take up so much time. 

What are things that you like to do, or that make you feel pampered, that you could work into your life. 

Ruminating over the past is often a symptom of not filling your own needs. So you fill the void with ruminations of the past.


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Hindsight is always 20/20. Just wish we would see so clearly much earlier.
> 
> I can be hard to find the time to do things with work and study take up so much time.
> 
> ...


My favourite thing to do is - go to my parents and be pampered there. But thats neither realistic nor sustainable 

I do enjoy my dance classes, and reading for pleasure (which I don't have time to do). I also do have good friends who I enjoy spending time with. And I mean all women like shopping (within reason and budget), I do too. I honestly, don't have a dearth of things that make me happy, I just get into a funk sometimes over the past year. This divorce ordeal has been really hard for me to deal with. I can't imagine it being easy for anyone, but I have the least amount of complications possible. I am not sure what I am doing wrong but I feel like I am getting stuck in the cycle maybe?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mucc said:


> This week my lawyer sent out communications to my ex, asking for paperwork/documents etc. whatever they need...
> 
> I feel kind of bleh...mixed emotions. Some relief that the proceedings are finally moving forward and in the next few months hopefully all will be finished.
> 
> ...


I read your post. Your husband was awful. What culture are you from? I have never heard of parents being brought into fights like this in a western family. Anyway, I know you sad but you go some really good stuff in your life ahead of you. So feel bad about today but look forward to tomorrow. At least now you know what to avoid.


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I read your post. Your husband was awful. What culture are you from? I have never heard of parents being brought into fights like this in a western family. Anyway, I know you sad but you go some really good stuff in your life ahead of you. So feel bad about today but look forward to tomorrow. At least now you know what to avoid.


Thank you for being empathetic 

My marriage definitely was awful. I hated having to go back "home" when I was married because it was too stressful since 50% of the time we would be in a "fight". And even in a huge 4 bedroom house with each of us on different floors, you could feel the tension in the air. I used to sit in the library and do work to the extent I could, so that I could just go home and go to bed. On a "good day" I would rush home after work, so that I could make up/put as much time as I possibly could into "building" the relationship.

Looking back at those times and comparing that to even a bad day now, it is 100x better. I am very very glad I am out and have no doubts that I made the right choice. 

I am of south asian heritage but even in my culture, this is unheard of. I grew up in South Asia and arguably was exposed to the culture far more than my spouse (who grew up in North America) was. I am not sure if he was awful or this was the only way he knew to handle disagreements/ this was HIS normal and he attributed it to culture because - well that was convenient and he thought maybe it would make me feel "guilty". I honestly don't know and 75% of the time accept that at this stage it doesn't matter. I am working on the other 25% for acceptance. 

Honestly, objectively speaking I am very fortunate. I do not have kids/custody battle. I do not own joint assets. My marriage ended so quickly that it is hard for him to claim spousal support. Since my long term earning potential is 3x his, ending later would have been financially detrimental to me. By the same token, I am financially independent and didn't ever have to depend on him for any of my needs that were not emotional, which is a blessing, because I cannot imagine how much more he would bully me if I was in some way dependent on him. 

When I objectively spell those out, I feel much better about my situation. However, since I am an emotional fool (which got me into this mess in the first place), I worry about the uncertainty of my future, I wish things were different etc etc. I really need to get to a better stage of acceptance. But I am glad there is this forum which "listens" to me rant about my silly emotions every now and then and offers a metaphorical shoulder to cry on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're normal. We all worry about the unknown but the reality is it will be a better place than you've been. I'm glad you didn't settle for someone who isn't right for you.

Why? Because you can make it so. Your life is going to be what you make it.

You are so fortunate but that's hard for you to see right now. Only a year and you figured out what many waste 10, 15, 20 years on. 

Yout future is bright and the rest will come. You just take it one day at a time

Teach yourself to cook, get a cat or dog to keep you company.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your fears and trepidations are perfectly normal.

Be you the one being sued for divorce, or the one executing the action, let's just say that those feelings of yours are rather commonplace!

And they will continue to diminish with the passage of time! *


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

Thank you all! it does help to come here and lay it out. Being told I am not crazy helps. 

My ex always said I am self centred, stubborn and have a borderline personality. So I keep searching every now and then to make sure I am truly not those things. I don't want to miss my own craziness in thinking someone else is unfair or awful or whatever else. 

So it helps when you all normalize my emotions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You don't show any of those things in your postings here on TAM.

If you were self center and stubborn to the point of these things being a problem, it would show in your other relationships. Everyone as to be self centered to a point as each one of us has to make sure that we take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from harmful situations/people. A bit of stubborn is not bad either, it's the tenacity that helps us keep going forward when we hit hard times. These things are only a problem when they interfere with all our relationships and the things we want to do.

Now borderline personality... if you had this you would see it in the way all people react to you.

Your husband was trying to diagnose you. I don't think he has the knowledge to do that, does he? To me it sounds like he was using this to denigrate you. 

Do not let what he said get to you. You know what being married to him was like. You know that he treated you wrong. So why would you believe negative things that he told you to try to control you through emotional/verbal abuse?


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You don't show any of those things in your postings here on TAM.
> 
> If you were self center and stubborn to the point of these things being a problem, it would show in your other relationships. Everyone as to be self centered to a point as each one of us has to make sure that we take care of ourselves and protect ourselves from harmful situations/people. A bit of stubborn is not bad either, it's the tenacity that helps us keep going forward when we hit hard times. These things are only a problem when they interfere with all our relationships and the things we want to do.
> 
> ...


Yeah I know what you are saying. I am sure I am stubborn or selfish or whatever sometimes. I am sure sometimes I react badly to situations too. 

I never really thought I had borderline personality, but I did act out of character towards the end of my marriage. I felt INSANE, things always felt too good or too terrible - my mood fluctuated between stress and relief non stop - I truly felt crazy. I don't know if that's normal. 

I don't think I have a personality disorder - I mean all my colleagues are physicians, feel like someone would have picked up on it, but who knows. 

My ex used to accuse me of emotionally abusing him. I hope I wasn't/didn't because then I should be changing that aspect of me? But I don't see it, so its hard to change what you don't see. 

Bleh. I can't wait for the papers to be signed once and for all.


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## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Mucc said:


> Yeah I know what you are saying. I am sure I am stubborn or selfish or whatever sometimes. I am sure sometimes I react badly to situations too.
> 
> I never really thought I had borderline personality, but I did act out of character towards the end of my marriage. I felt INSANE, things always felt too good or too terrible - my mood fluctuated between stress and relief non stop - I truly felt crazy. I don't know if that's normal.
> 
> ...


Everyone can react to a high-stress situations poorly and do things they regret. We're human! Fluctuating from stress to relief is perfectly normal too.

It sounds like your husband was gaslighting you with the borderline personality diagnosis and claims you were abusive. Of course, none of us on here will never know the 100% true version of events, but the fact that you have looked into it shows insight on your part whereas a person who truly had the disorder would run from it.

Since you have these doubts you should talk to your therapist about it. Otherwise, you could replay these tapes forever (of him accusing you of being abusive, having a disorder etc.) and that will keep you locked in a cycle of grief.

Hope the papers get signed and the divorce moves along quickly for you!


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

Update: 

A friend of mine found him on a dating website - which is fine (I mean I have a normal amount of upset reaction, but I understand its none of my business no more). 

But dammit - then START the paperwork/send my lawyer the stuff hes asking for. If you have time to be on dating website, you have time for divorce proceedings. 

I want my maiden name back on my driver's license. And whoever makes rules like this must have not been a woman - why isnt my passport enough to change my name back! Why do they need the divorce decree?!!! Stupid rules. Whoever made them obviously never went through divorce. 

I'm just mad at the world. I am also just tired of not being home for the last 3 weeks and am dying to get back so I dont have to live out of a suitcase. 

And did i mention my counsellor of 2 years quit practice? So now I have to find a new one when I get back. Great. 

Does karma work? I would like it to- just about now would be great.


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