# No help at all!!



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I always thought that the responsibility of having children fell on both parents, not just one.
Granted I am a stay at home mom, 2 kids, an almost 5 year old and a 2 month old. I am currently looking to go back to work part time, I dont really think i have time to get a part time job, but we really need the extra money. 

When our first was born, my husband never got up with him in the middle of the night, has never given him a bath, the only time he ever changed him or feed him was when I was gone. Never helped me with house work, dispite the fact me being up all night with our son. He didnt start sleeping through the night until he was almost 2. He has never taken him to any drs appointmets. Our son has speech therapy 2 times a week (he has been going since August 2013)he will not take him, when I dont feel like taking him which is most of the time, so my son ends up not going, because I am to tired tired to take him, I do call them to let them know he wont be in that day.


baby number 2 same exact thing. Wont get up with her to give me a break, once a week. I am exausted, I am not gtting near enough sleep. Hubby gets mad when I fall asleep feeding or burping her. I cant help it I am so tired I just fall out. I cant even sit down anywhere and not fall asleep. I fall asleep in the waiting room when my son is in speech therepy. 

This morning I was up until 3 am, finally went to bed after finishing up cleaning the house, so I didnt have to do alot around here today. Baby wakes up at 530, I get up change her diaper, feed her, burp her crawl back in bed at 6am. He wakes me up at 7am, baby is fussing. I am notveven hearing her when she cries, besause i am so tired.I wake up put her binki in her mouth and I fall back to sleep, he then wakes me up again, this time he is pissed off, so I wake up put her binki in her mouth again and pass out again, the 3rd time he gets up out of bed he ispissed off and says "you are just doing this to piss me off! I am going to sleep out in the ****ing living room" on his way out of the room, he slams the door. Mind you he is 45 years old.

I get up about 10 minutes later with baby, make her a bottle feed her I have been up ever since, less then 4 hours of sleep. I will be expected to make him food, clean the house (there is always something to do here)take care of both kids and the cats, and what ever else needs to be done. H is off today and Sat. Guess what he will do all day, he will sit on his ass and nap all day, because he doesnt get enough sleep WTF.

We need to get in the spare room and get it ready to paint it, to move our oldest in his own room, guess who will be doing all of that too, yup me! I am positive I will be packing everything up, and taking it downstairs by myself and prepping to paint and I am also pretty sure I will be stuck painting the room too. Me getting stuck with everything wouldnt be a big deal, if he would tend to the baby while I am trying to get stuff done, but he wont even do that.

Am I over reacting. Is this normal? Do all men do this?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

This one is easy. Stop cleaning the house. Meet YOUR expectations. Not his. You are not a slave. You can make your own decisions.


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## tryingtodoitright (Jan 14, 2014)

agreed w/ nobody special. 

has he always been this way? before kids, did you do everything? has he changed since you first met or has he always been this way?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SAHM does not equal Stay at home Slave. 

Maybe the two of you should find some time for parenting classes so he can have his eyes opened to how other couples make life work w/small children. 

The whole point of being a SAHM is to give your children the best parts of yourself among other things. If you're a zombie day after day,they aren't getting the benefits of having a SAHM.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You need to determine your boundaries that keep you healthy (as well as your family healthy).

You need to ask for what you need. It's his job as your husband and the father of his kids to step up to the plate and pitch in...

Sounds like you need to discuss this (not at the moment of immediate need, but perhaps when you two are relaxed).


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ok I am going to answer this in more depth with some experiences from my life. Your husband has literally NO CLUE what is going on, what this is doing to you. Once upon a time, I was really young. (Woa long time ago.) I lived with my sister. She complained all the time that she did all the housework. I had No Idea what that meant until I got my own place by myself. I am guessing your husband is in a similar situation. To _some_ extent, there is genuine cluelessness going on here. 

When I got married, my husband was the same as yours. From his experience, he had no reason to expect anything different. His mother had done all the work. And when he blew off his chores, she never set any limits with him. He would listen to my words about the topic, but it really never stuck. 

You need to learn to set effective limits. He needs to REALLY understand. And you need to learn that you are not responsible to meet other people's expectations, and maybe even to modify your own. Paint the spare room? Just NO. If you are sleeping 4 hours a night, let the spare room burn to the ground!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

What is his situation at work?

When our chidren were small it became very difficult because my wife was overwhelmed by all the work involved in looking after three small children, but my employer told me that the world had changed and in future I was expected to work for them every waking moment of the day (and weekend). 

There was no realistic prospect of me getting another job (the job market was dreadful at the time). So I had to do what my employer demanded and leave my wife to cope on her own with everything.

Some (many?) employers are totally unsympathetic to working parents.

I am very grateful that those days are in the past where I am concerned.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> This one is easy. Stop cleaning the house. Meet YOUR expectations. Not his. You are not a slave. You can make your own decisions.


OK, then this is easy for him too. He stops paying for her things like her cell phone bill, etc. He will just meet HIS expectations. Not hers. After all, he's not her slave and can make his own decisions. Does that sound right to you?

My instinct is very strong that husband should help out a lot more, especially on weekends - *BUT* we simply need more information. If he's working 40 hours a week, that's one thing. If he's working 80 hours a week, that's something else, and I would 100% understand why he's not helping out at home. 

OP, either way, I recommend marriage counseling. Even if your husband is totally stressed from work he is not expressing himself in a constructive way. You need to find a compromise that works for both of you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

tryingtodoitright said:


> agreed w/ nobody special.
> 
> has he always been this way? before kids, did you do everything? has he changed since you first met or has he always been this way?


 He wasnt always like this only started after we had kids, he used to clean the house on his days off


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

*Re: No help at all!!UPDATE*

Ok well a couple of weeks after I posted this, my husband and I got into it again. I told him that I need help. He said that he doesnt have to help me because he works, and he will NOT help me! 

Apperntly all I do is sit on my ass all day, which is mostly true, because my 4 month old will not let me put her down, she will scream and cry. She wont take more then 30 minute naps. But the house still gets clean, both kids are taken care of and dinner is either done or almost done when he gets home and has clezn clothing to wear.

It really bothers me that he doesnt want to help. I dont get it. I am raising our childern alone, he has better things to do I guess like sit on his ass all day and watch tv when he isnt at work. 

Its almost may and he hasnt even mowed the lawn yet. I am not going to do that too.

I am not saying that I want him to do everything around here and work full time. All I would like for him to do is take the garbage out, maybe do dishs every now and then and get up with the baby on a day off, so I can sleep an extra hour or two. I dont think think that is to much to ask

I need to go to the dr for my knee but I keep putting it off because I know they will want to cut it open, I was told that I would eventually need to have surgery on it, that was 7 years ago. There is no way I can take care of 2 kids, pets and the house with absolutely no help once I have surgery. I ll be lucky to go to the bathroom. So I have been putting it off.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I was really hoping your next post would be a positive update. I'm so sorry LB 

So I assume he isn't open to taking parenting classes with you then? I really think it would be an eye opener for him to hear about dividing responsibilities from others who have been there done that.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I was really hoping your next post would be a positive update. I'm so sorry LB
> 
> So I assume he isn't open to taking parenting classes with you then? I really think it would be an eye opener for him to hear about dividing responsibilities from others who have been there done that.


He isnt intersested in doing anything, he wont go to marriage counseling. None of it


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I really don't understand a spouse who refuses to contribute to the overall health of the marriage. Why would he refuse to go to a program that could help the two of you communicate and balance life better??
It doesn't make sense.

What was the plan of action prior to the babies? Was anything discussed as far as responsibilities were concerned? Has he always been the type to let things fall onto your back like this or did it just start with the arrival of children?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Whatever you do, do not have another baby with this man. Can you take a little vacation to visit a relative and get some relief? Your husband is beyond insensitive and uncaring - he is in the 'a$$hole' territory.

Do not get a part time job! It wouldn't kill him to make his own damn dinner, either.


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## Strawberry79 (Jan 6, 2014)

He is treating you like a slave. He thinks that since you don't work, it' not too much for you to do this and that around the house, while he works, so he is the one entitled to feel tired in his mind. 

I kind of feel the same to be honest, so I don't feel like telling you what I think you should do, because I'd feel like I am not practising what I am preaching.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offence, but... If he behaved like that with the first child, why did you have another one with him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I have sympathy for him being tired from working but he's really going to the extreme here imo. I mean, he's not even doing the basic things he'd have to do if he wasn't married w/kids. If he was single he'd be cooking his own meals,taking out his own trash,mowing his own lawn,washing his clothes,ironing his clothes,sending out bill payments,washing dishes,cleaning the house,etc. 

Now he has to go to work and come home.Play with his children,eat,and sleep and pay bills.

She has to raise the kids,bathe them,change them,feed them,clean up after them,clean up after him,clean up after herself,maintain order and hygiene throughout the home,feed him and herself,etc. 24/7.

I'm a working mom so normally I admittedly lack some sympathy on occasion for sahm's but this is just so obviously unfair that even I can't get on board with the husband here.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I really don't understand a spouse who refuses to contribute to the overall health of the marriage. Why would he refuse to go to a program that could help the two of you communicate and balance life better??
> It doesn't make sense.
> 
> What was the plan of action prior to the babies? Was anything discussed as far as responsibilities were concerned? Has he always been the type to let things fall onto your back like this or did it just start with the arrival of children?


The only thing that were discussed prior to having babies was that I would stay home and when our son started school, I would go back to work part time. I had no idea that his definition of a stay at home mom was a slave. I thought that things would be the same and he would help out when he could.

as far as counseling, he has told me that he wont go because he sees nothing wrong and he wont just blow his money on something he doesnt see that is needed.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Whatever you do, do not have another baby with this man. Can you take a little vacation to visit a relative and get some relief? Your husband is beyond insensitive and uncaring - he is in the 'a$$hole' territory.
> 
> Do not get a part time job! It wouldn't kill him to make his own damn dinner, either.


 I made sure I cant have anymore babies, I got fixed right after she was born. As far as a vacation, that would be soo nice, but he would not allow it, especially if it meant him having to take care of the kiddos.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

LB,forgive me if you've already stated this in another thread or other comments but do you have a profession or anything to fall back on career wise if you had to start working outside the home again? 

Is there any chance your husband would come here and give us his view of things?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> No offence, but... If he behaved like that with the first child, why did you have another one with him?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 My daughter was not planned. And it also took 12 years to get pregnant with my son, I thought getting pregnant again would never happen considering the issues getting pregnant to begin with. I didnt think it would happen..

As bad as it sounds I did consider getting an abortion, but I dont believe in them and I wasnt about to make an innocent baby pay for my mistake.

after she was born I got my tubes tied, so I cant have anymore, he wasnt to happy about it either.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> LB,forgive me if you've already stated this in another thread or other comments but do you have a profession or anything to fall back on career wise if you had to start working outside the home again?
> 
> Is there any chance your husband would come here and give us his view of things?


Ive worked in retail and my last job was a housekeeper, but thats about it. Ive been looking for work for going on 3 years now ( took a break while I was noticibly pregnant). I cant get a job, ive had 3 call backs in the last 3 years. I havent given up though, still trying.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ladybird said:


> Ive worked in retail and my last job was a housekeeper, but thats about it. Ive been looking for work for going on 3 years now ( took a break while I was noticibly pregnant). I cant get a job, ive had 3 call backs in the last 3 years. I havent given up though, still trying.


It sounds like you don't have much of a family support network either or I was going to suggest the possibility of online schooling or learning some sort of trade. 

I mean,what will you do if he refuses to compromise? How will you continue to live like this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ladybird said:


> My daughter was not planned. And it also took 12 years to get pregnant with my son, I thought getting pregnant again would never happen considering the issues getting pregnant to begin with. I didnt think it would happen..
> 
> As bad as it sounds I did consider getting an abortion, but I dont believe in them and I wasnt about to make an innocent baby pay for my mistake.
> 
> after she was born I got my tubes tied, so I cant have anymore, he wasnt to happy about it either.


That sucks royally, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't really think it would help, but have you considered cutting back on doing things for him? Like doing laundry for you and the kids, but letting him do his own? Same with the cooking... But as much as it might get your point across, I doubt it would save you much time, and I suspect it will only raise tension levels...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

How were chores and such divided before the children?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It sounds like you don't have much of a family support network either or I was going to suggest the possibility of online schooling or learning some sort of trade.
> 
> I mean,what will you do if he refuses to compromise? How will you continue to live like this?


 We also have other issues that have been unresolved. 

Currently I am looking for work, keeping my fingers crossed that I get something. I dont care if its a pizza delivery job, lol. 

At this point I am done, this marriage has been one sided for years and he will not do anything to help me fix it. I cant stay with a man who has absolutly no ambition to do anything. I loothe lazy people.

My mom would watch the kiddos, but her grandchildren are not her responsibility and she works.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> That sucks royally, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't really think it would help, but have you considered cutting back on doing things for him? Like doing laundry for you and the kids, but letting him do his own? Same with the cooking... But as much as it might get your point across, I doubt it would save you much time, and I suspect it will only raise tension levels...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have thought about that, but I am really trying to keep the peace.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

MysticSoul said:


> How were chores and such divided before the children?


 We didnt really have a set list on who does what, it was what ever needed to be done. One of us would do dishs while the other vacuumed. Id clean the bathroom while he cleaned the kitchen etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This one is easy.

OP you have signed up for a completely off balanced relationship.

Now you figured out that you've been getting used all along (good for you BTW). Better now than NEVER.

Expect NOTHING/no changes. HOWEVER you do need to work more on changing this balance to 50/50. I don't mean your husband puts in 50% of house work, but puts in SOME effort. After all, he IS a father/man right?

Give it 2-3 months, if nothing changes I would recommend that you divorce. 

Most importantly, LEARN FROM IT. This mistake is ON YOU. Don't settle for less/accept what's right in front of you OP.

Lessons learned log


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is a selfish a$$. If he did not want to be a parent, why in the hell did he let it happen?? Having food and a dwelling is ALL you are getting out of this marriage, you might as well be a single mom. At least THAT WAY you dont have the added stress of someone there NOT helping you or pulling their weight. My daughter's dad was the same way, I made him an EX before she turned 3! He has ALWAYS been minimally involved with her her entire life. Better to be a single, single parent rather than a married single parent.

EDIT: Was typing, didnt see your post #26 that you are done. Sorry, carry on.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your husband is a selfish a$$. If he did not want to be a parent, why in the hell did he let it happen?? Having food and a dwelling is ALL you are getting out of this marriage, you might as well be a single mom. At least THAT WAY you dont have the added stress of someone there NOT helping you or pulling their weight. My daughter's dad was the same way, I made him an EX before she turned 3! He has ALWAYS been minimally involved with her her entire life. Better to be a single, single parent rather than a married single parent.
> 
> EDIT: Was typing, didnt see your post #26 that you are done. Sorry, carry on.


He has 3 other kids, they are all grown now, but he used to tell me how he did everything, he fed them, bathed them the whole 9 all while he worked and she stayed home. All she did according to him was sit on he ass all day.

Hmmm I now see that was a bunch of b.s. I bet that he didnt do anything, other then what he currently does with me.


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