# My random thought for the day... "You don't make me happy anymore"



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hello everyone. It's been a while for me on this forum. While stopping in for a look, a thought occurred to me and I thought I would share it. The other day, I was bringing my daughter home from work. About half way home, her phone rang. It was the boy she had just ended her relationship with.

I could hear his side of the conversation too because he was talking so loudly. He was angry, hurt and maybe a little bit desperate. The one line that stands out in the conversation for me is when she told him that "I guess you just don't make me happy."

She is a veritable "Ruby Gloom". She suffers from a depression that I can't understand. She seems to look at life under a microscope, seeking out the negative things that make her feel bad. I don't get it, but what I do know that while she is an extreme case, she is asking the impossible: "Make me happy". It is completely unreasonable and unfair to expect and to look to another person to "make" you happy. A person cannot make you happy any more than they can make you thirsty. 

Now, I know... A lot of people are going to tell me that I am wrong and that I don't know what I am talking about. Your emotional well-being begins and ends with you. Don't try to push that responsibility off onto anyone else. It is too much to ask... After all, your partner has enough on their plate with their own happiness. It is okay to FIND happiness in being with someone who enhances your emotions but you can't expect them to do all the work for both of you.

I went through an anger management class one time. The first thing the doctor asked the group was "Who makes you angry?" Everyone had the name of some person to shout out. But the last person to answer had the correct answer. She said "I make myself angry." WE make a split-second decision about every emotion that we feel... Happiness, sadness, anger... Makes no difference. The circumstances or thoughts we have are the first step in the emotion decision making.

Think about this for a moment. You are driving down the freeway and someone comes blazing past you and nearly cuts you off trying to beat a lane closure at the last second. Immediately, you are angry because that person was driving like a maniac. Road Rage anyone? But what if the same incident happened, only this time, it was your best friend who passed you? You would feel a completely different emotion - and this is the decision making process.

So, to say to someone: "You don't make me happy anymore" implies that at some point, they held the reigns and controlled your emotions, which would be unfair for them and dangerous for you to hand that level of control over to someone else. Sure. people can do things to you that will lead to a bad mood, but ultimately it is you who decides and reacts appropriately in order to keep your mood positive. Is someone being abusive to you? Then you leave and pursue your happiness without them. Focus on YOU because that is the only thing you have control over!

Have a great day!


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I totally agree with you. I tell people that all the time. I am in a 12 step program and that is when I first encountered what seemed at the time a completely revolutionary idea that I am not responsible for other people's feelings and they are not responsible for mine. Not even therapists that I have been to over the years get this idea.

My analogy involves a joke. I could tell 2 people a joke . One may think it is funny, the other find it offensive. So really it is not the joke that is funny or bad, it is our those people interpret it and the feelings they generate which decides how they find the joke.

My wife just started a 12 step program too. She also is now starting to grasp the concept of feelings being responsible of the individual.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

moogvo said:


> *Now, I know... A lot of people are going to tell me that I am wrong and that I don't know what I am talking about. Your emotional well-being begins and ends with you. *Don't try to push that responsibility off onto anyone else. It is too much to ask... After all, your partner has enough on their plate with their own happiness. It is okay to FIND happiness in being with someone who enhances your emotions but you can't expect them to do all the work for both of you.


You won't hear any disagreement from me. This is something I'm trying to teach my daughters, particularly my youngest who to outside observers seems to be a sweet, polite well-adjusted girl but privately struggles with a negative outlook, often lashing out at me, her mom or her sister for things that go 'wrong' in her life. Happiness is usually a choice and it is a choice only you can make.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree that each person is responsible for their own happiness. Although, it's entirely possible for another person's presence in your life to effect your happiness in either a positive or negative way. My ex-husband didn't "make" me unhappy, but I'm happier being divorced from him, so his presence in my life _was _having a negative effect on my happiness. I've "made" myself happy by divorcing him. 

But back to your daughter. Given that she was taking a call from her newly-ex boyfriend, whom you even describe as angry and desperate and really loud, perhaps you might cut her some slack. Maybe that was all she could come up with in the face of his arguing with her about breaking up. Maybe examining her conversation with an angry guy who is grilling her over their breakup isn't the best way to really find clues to her deepest inner self. Maybe she just wanted irate fanboi off the phone and gave him an answer he wouldn't be able to argue with further. His hair is too brown, his laugh is too loud, he tells unfunny jokes, he holds his fork weird, whatever - she's just not into him. She's not happy with him - he doesn't make her happy. Maybe breaking up with him is part of her making herself happier.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Rowan said:


> I agree that each person is responsible for their own happiness. Although, it's entirely possible for another person's presence in your life to effect your happiness in either a positive or negative way. My ex-husband didn't "make" me unhappy, but I'm happier being divorced from him, so his presence in my life _was _having a negative effect on my happiness. I've "made" myself happy by divorcing him.
> 
> But back to your daughter. Given that she was taking a call from her newly-ex boyfriend, whom you even describe as angry and desperate and really loud, perhaps you might cut her some slack. Maybe that was all she could come up with in the face of his arguing with her about breaking up. Maybe examining her conversation with an angry guy who is grilling her over their breakup isn't the best way to really find clues to her deepest inner self. Maybe she just wanted irate fanboi off the phone and gave him an answer he wouldn't be able to argue with further. His hair is too brown, his laugh is too loud, he tells unfunny jokes, he holds his fork weird, whatever - she's just not into him. She's not happy with him - he doesn't make her happy. Maybe breaking up with him is part of her making herself happier.


Actually, no. She completely expects everyone else to be responsible for everything her life. She dwells on the negative and finds someone to place blame on for all of it. She is depressed and medicated. As I said in my original post, I can't wrap my head around what she thinks or feels but I DO know that she expects everyone else to be responsible for her own happiness. 

She lives in a world where she is constantly the victim... For instance. we bought our 3 year old a new pair of Crocs shoes because his old ones were WAY too small for him. She became insanely jealous because he got something that she didn't get, even though we bought her probably 5 pairs of shoes, clothes and an iPhone that we have listened to he moaning about for the last 6 months.

Some people truly believe that everyone else has a duty to provide them with happiness, even at the expense of their own happiness and sanity. She is medicated for her depression. I try to be supportive to her, even though I can't imagine what is going on inside her.

The original point to my post, though is that I have heard people all my life charging others with "Not making me happy".


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I always told my daughters as they were growing up, learn how to make yourself happy before you even think about getting married.

Usually people that behave like your daughter are spoiled rotten thus the expectation for others to deliver them happiness. Receiving for them is almost like an addiction.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Great post!


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

I spent almost an hour writing out a new thread topic on my phone, but....THIS is what I needed to read. I just have no idea how to apply that. I would think by doing this, you would be burying your emotions a lot, which isn't healthy, either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Agree 100%.

I can't tell you how much better my life got when I realized that I, and I alone, are responsible for my own happiness.

And once I took responsibility for that, and serviced that responsibility in mostly responsible ways, how much happier my family got as a whole.

Sexuality is a good metaphor for this; if you're not going to stand up for what you want from your sex life, then who is?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

moogvo said:


> Actually, no. She completely expects everyone else to be responsible for everything her life. She dwells on the negative and finds someone to place blame on for all of it. She is depressed and medicated. As I said in my original post, I can't wrap my head around what she thinks or feels but I DO know that she expects everyone else to be responsible for her own happiness.
> 
> She lives in a world where she is constantly the victim... For instance. we bought our 3 year old a new pair of Crocs shoes because his old ones were WAY too small for him. She became insanely jealous because he got something that she didn't get, even though *we bought her probably 5 pairs of shoes, clothes and an iPhone that we have listened to he moaning about for the last 6 months.*
> 
> ...


Why?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I totally agree. My husband has no self esteem, constantly feels bad about himself and for 16 years has looked to me to make him happy. It didn't take me long to realize it, but his unhappiness and negativity stems from him and has nothing to do with me. 

We cannot hold others accountable for our emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You know what happens to dirty sponges left without water on the sink? It eventually dries up and shrinks because it loses all its water. It's incapable of turning on the faucet to replenish itself. It will wait for hours, days, weeks and maybe years until somebody either throws it in the trash or turns on the faucet for them to replenish it. 

This analogy explains some people. Some folks are sponges that depend on their partner to give them water(love) to function. The problem with this is that the giving partner does not take the time to fill their needs and eventually they cannot give anymore. This leads to resentment and dry, shrunken sponges on the sink. 

OP, your daughter did that boy a favor by dumping him. Perhaps he will find a fellow sponge that loves him and knows how to turn a faucet on together instead of waiting for somebody else to do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Escaflowne said:


> I spent almost an hour writing out a new thread topic on my phone, but....THIS is what I needed to read. I just have no idea how to apply that. I would think by doing this, you would be burying your emotions a lot, which isn't healthy, either.


What do you mean that it would be burying your emotions? Can you give us an example>


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## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean that it would be burying your emotions? Can you give us an example>


Maybe. I made myself happy my whole life. I met my fiance in 07 and, since then, have enjoyed someone else ...I don't knnow what else to call it besides "making me happy". Because he was - he would surprise me, say nice things to me. He was going out of his way to make sure I was happy. Now? Well it seems to be dwindling down more and more...the happiness. I find myself more unhappy than I used to be. How do you not blame the spouse? I can go around acting happy, but it's bull. If I'm in control of my emotions entirely, and I am not happy but I want to be, then I would have to fake it. Omg this isn't making sense, is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Escaflowne said:


> Maybe. I made myself happy my whole life. I met my fiance in 07 and, since then, have enjoyed someone else ...I don't knnow what else to call it besides "making me happy". Because he was - he would surprise me, say nice things to me. He was going out of his way to make sure I was happy. Now? Well it seems to be dwindling down more and more...the happiness. I find myself more unhappy than I used to be. How do you not blame the spouse? I can go around acting happy, but it's bull. If I'm in control of my emotions entirely, and I am not happy but I want to be, then I would have to fake it. Omg this isn't making sense, is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Escaflowne it makes sense to me, I can understand what you're trying to say.

To the OP's original post and to answer some other follow up post.....I have used the line "you don't make me happy" myself, and trust me here I am a very independent and un needy guy. The reason I have used that phrase is because the alternative and truthful phrase is very hurtful "you suck and I hate being around you"

Here's my point, we are all reactive to our environment, maybe at our core we are happy, but it's hard to remain happy when surrounded be people or events that are dragging us down. So when someone says "you don't make me happy" most of the time I think they mean "you are dragging me down and I want you out of my life". ie.; "you make me UNHAPPY" See the difference? It's not that I need you to make me happy, it's that I don't need you making me miserable.

But sure...there are also those that are always miserable and looking for others to perk them up, and that type of person nothing and no one can make them happy for long, sad way to live.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

moogvo said:


> Actually, no.* She completely expects everyone else to be responsible for everything her life. She dwells on the negative and finds someone to place blame on for all of it. *She is depressed and medicated. As I said in my original post, I can't wrap my head around what she thinks or feels but I DO know that she expects everyone else to be responsible for her own happiness.
> 
> *She lives in a world where she is constantly the victim...* For instance. we bought our 3 year old a new pair of Crocs shoes because his old ones were WAY too small for him. She became insanely jealous because he got something that she didn't get, even though we bought her probably 5 pairs of shoes, clothes and an iPhone that we have listened to he moaning about for the last 6 months.
> 
> ...


I agree with your original post.

I also have no disagreement with your sentiments here.
Unfortunately , this attitude of your daughter is very prevalent in real life and I sometimes see it right here on TAM.

My younger sister was a prime example of what I called " the princess" mindset. Today, after two failed marriages , she's still unhappy with her life. But now he has four kids in tow , including an entitled princess for a daughter that decided to get pregnant and married in her teens , just like her mom.

But your daughter has a clinical disorder so her perspective on the realities of a relationship can be understood to an extent.

Funny thing is , I know a lot of guys who find themselves in that type of relationship dynamic and are scared to stand up for themselves. They fear being labeled as " jerks."

It frightens me when I see supposedly " normal" people thinking that way.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm gonna take the other side of this one -- sometimes people act like that because they want attention and empathy, and it sounds like you're not being very empathetic to your daughter when she was going through a breakup. To me, the right attitude for a father in that situation is not to pick apart the way his daughter is handling it, but to give a shoulder to cry on, tell her that he's not worth it and there are other fish in the sea and all that. Maybe she's so negative and needs so much attention because she wants more attention from you. So while I agree with you in principle that another person can't "make" you happy, maybe it would help her get over some of her negativity if you offered her a little more sympathy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> The one line that stands out in the conversation for me is when she told him that "I guess you just don't make me happy."


Good thing that you brought this up so that we can explore all the possibilities. Some people will say anything to end a conversation. My ex(English) husband told me that I took him around too many Americans and other foreigners. Yet, before our divorce decree he was already engaged to [drumroll and eyeroll.....please] another American. .... and stayed in touch with some of the Americans I had introduced him to.

As another poster said, the people in our lives do influence things to some degree. How someone's lifestyle, moods, choice of friends and family will impact on our lives should be, if it's not already, a consideration when we choose a long term partner.

If your daughter were dating the captain of the football team, there will be a few things that she will be invited to that will be vastly different than if she were dating the president of the chess club.

If people recognised how other people influence their lives and how proper boundaries, including the ultimate boundary ie completing getting rid of someone, then yes, that would be the start of taking responsibility for their own lives.

But as children living at home with their parents; living by their rules, or as my father once said "rules and regulations" as if he were running a public swimming pool; that fact that children have to assume whatever social and economic class that their parents have and so on. Well, right now, it doesn't seem as if too many kids have total control over their happiness in life. 

OP, you don't say whether your daughter's depression has been identified. Am I correct that she is on meds? If so, what was the prescribing doctor's opinion of her condition?

You may want to point out to her the decisions that she has control over in her life right now and the decisions she will need to take for herself as the years progress so that she can start thinking about what will make her happy.

In any case, your daughter seems to be mature in taking the decision to drop her erstwhile bf. I can think of 2 guys that I dated over the years, one in his 20s and another in his 40s. Both had responsible corporate jobs and still, they b!tched and moaned and accused me of not making them happy. But they still wouldn't leave when I showed them the door. Which is a good reminder that actions speak louder than words.


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