# Intimacy After Affair



## TrsaAne (Mar 31, 2011)

I have been looking around the forum for someone in my predicament, but I haven't found anyone. There are a lot of threads about people who experience a huge increase in sexual desire for their DS after the affair is revealed, but very little on the opposite. I can't face having sex with my H. Every time I even think about being intimate I start to feel nervous, upset, sad, and angry because I can't stop thinking about him with the OW. It has become debilitating. A little background might help:

I learned of the A about 6 months ago. The A itself happened several years ago while we were forced to be long distance. I knew that he had an EA with her at the time, I was very upset, but he swore up and down that there was nothing physical. He insisted on staying "friends" with her after we had moved in together. We fought about it multiple times, but he was unwilling to give up the "friendship". 6 months ago I discovered photographs that they had been sending each other along with many texts and chats in his email. I confronted him and he FINALLY admitted to the A several years ago. While a part of me always knew, the admission destroyed me. I wasn't able to sleep or eat for about a week. We talked for hours--I screamed and cried. Eventually I decided I wanted to work on it even though I am so overwhelmingly betrayed by this. 

He has been nothing but remorseful and helpful since then. He cut off all contact (though she tried to contact him multiple times), he let me look through his email, and he talks to me and supports me when I have relapses of anger, sadness, resentment, etc. We were having sex during all of this, not all the time, but occasionally. Now I can't face it at all because I'm so traumatized about thinking of them together. I can't stop thinking about it when we try to be intimate. Neither of us knows what to do. I want this to end and to get over it, but I can't. We worked through most of the Getting Past the Affair book, and it helped some, but there is nothing in there about this.

Does anyone have any ideas? I don't know what to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You aren't alone. I have read other posters on here that said they couldn't fathom sex with their partner after discovering the A.

In my case, we both cheated. There was definitely a surge in our sex life after confessing to one another. But I think I had a lot of issues after that initial surge. I am sure he did too but never said anything. I asked for FULL details of what the sex involved and got it and it scarred my brain. He didn't ask me full details and I am glad. On the evening of our wedding anniversary, we we were having sex and I looked at him and thought "Did you do this with her too?" Sick. I think I may have said something to him too and obviously it killed the mood. 

You have to try to focus on something else when the triggers happen. I wish I could tell you it gets better but I think it's different for everyone.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

first let me say i totally understand where you are coming from.

BUT consider why the affair happened in the first part. you two were apart. by not having sex with him now you will drive you two apart again. 

you both should see a marriage counselor and get these issues on the table. he has to see your needs in this and you need to see his. otherwise why try to stay together?


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## TrsaAne (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks for the comments. They have given me something to think about. I know I'm not over the affair and maybe that's why I'm having this issue. I also know that I have to "reprogram" myself. There is still so much pain there. I know that time will help, but right now it feels like it is never going to end.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

The first 2 weeks after I was the same. Hell, I still am ever now and then or even during/after. But as M&C said, not having sex keeps you apart. Just give it time as much at it takes. If you husband seems remorseful and you both want to get it to work, it can help a lot. Or at least I find it does, just always keep in mind that there are things that will always need to be worked out.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I have those flashes sometimes, I envision him with her, I think my hubby has those same ones, me with him, in the heat of the moment, I just push them out of my head.


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

My wife have an EA and was sexting with pictures to OM. The first day I couldn't be intimate. Afterwards, I for some reason craved it. We had sex 8 times in 13 days. That's way more than normal for us.

I think I just screwed everything up yesterday with my fit of jealously.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Was just sitting here thinking--while we had good sex after our confessions of cheating, we never had sex w/o a condom after that, at my request. I think maybe there was one time where we did but that was it. Before we never used condoms at all. He wanted to go sans condom post-confessions of cheating but I never let him.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife cheated 5 months ago. No sex with OM, but they did mess around with some manual stimulation and making out. Yes, it does bother me, and yes I do think about it just about every single time we have sex. It is not something that stops me though. I know what is between me and her. It has nothing to do with him.

Sex has been very different between us, but mostly in good ways. We kind of dropped some boundries, and found a new "us". We have times when we find an emotional connection during sex like we never had before. We also have times where we are just animals and into it for pure extreme sex....the kind that leaves you sore the next day...lol. 

I've been working out rather hard since my self exteme was literally smashed by the affair. I have also quit smoking so that I can occupy my mind with something else painful, so I can quit thinking about the affair. This has quite frankly led to me being more physically attractive to her, and it is quite obvoius.

So yes, it is possible for sex to get better and much more frequent. This is one of the few things good about the whole mess so try to enjoy it.


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

Yup I agree with you it-guy. It's something I started to really enjoy after her affair.

I too felt that my self esteem was completely smashed. Not only am I craving sex with my wife, I'm craving exercise!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Chrono, I'm in better shape now than I have ever been in my life. I've found serious weight lifting to be a very nice distraction from this mess. This means pushing yourself to the limit both with the exercise and diet. Had to find things to focus on, and this turned out to be a really good one.

Still working on the self esteem issues.... That is a tough one to fix.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

See my post, I can't seem to get past it enough to become intimate with her again. Not only do "mental movies" keep playing, but she's like a mirror that reflects his image. I'm treading water when it comes to sex. What scares me now is that other women are starting to turn me on more-so than my wife is. I know its not healthy, but I'm just taking it as it comes.


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

it-guy said:


> Chrono, I'm in better shape now than I have ever been in my life. I've found serious weight lifting to be a very nice distraction from this mess. This means pushing yourself to the limit both with the exercise and diet. Had to find things to focus on, and this turned out to be a really good one.
> 
> Still working on the self esteem issues.... That is a tough one to fix.


Yup totally. I've already lost 11 lbs from exercise and diet change. Completely addicted to it now!


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## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

Chrono said:


> Yup totally. I've already lost 11 lbs from exercise and diet change. Completely addicted to it now!


 I've lost 7 this week just by functioning and I am eating. I promise. No sex though. Won't even let him in the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I lost about 10-15 pounds in the first 2 weeks because I did not eat a thing unless I felt like I was going to pass out.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I lost quite a bit the first week also. I remember one day sitting in an Arby's forcing myself to eat one of those tiny jr sized sandwiches. I bet I was lucky to have eaten 2000 calories that entire week. And sleep....whatever. 5 months later and I still taking a sleeping pill each night.

But....I have a rock hard body...lol. No the best trade off in the world, but it is a positive thing.

I guess the sex depends on the individuals involved. My wife and I were ok with that. We actually find it as a time of healing in a way. When we are struggling to find the right things to say to each other we can find great comfort in intimacy. We can just shut up...show each other that we are super into, and in love with each other, and then have a good night sleep.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

As for the comment about finding other women attractive. Sure....I can see that. I have found myself paying a little more attention to other women. But I just got a strong wake-up call. I know to cheat can cause someone more pain than can ever be imagined. There is no chance in hell that I would ever do that to someone. I guess that is just something you learn the hard way when you are faced with that situation in your life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me it was my compettive nature that brought me to the bed. I had to bring on my best game. Granted, after 20 years I knew her buttons, but the newness and excitement of someone is hard to compete against.

I just figured I could do her just as good as the OM. Sex was never a issue in our marraige, its was the emotional part that caused the marraige to fall apart.

I do believe that having sex right away after confronting wife helped our R. So hopefully you can rewire your thinking and at least f*ck like bunnies, after all Easter is just around the corner.

I also believe sex is the glue that really holds the marriage together, but thats just me the guy.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get competitive girl! You need to regain your self worth for you! You need to be the better choice for him even though that may feel back a$$wards. Holding back becuase you feel he doesn't deserve you is not going to move your marriage into safer territory. Feel like your the hot woman he married, blow his mind! He will be less likely to go hunting.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I don't thinking insinuating "have sex straight away with the partner that just cheated on you, otherwise he will cheat again" is very helpful to someone in that situation. I wouldn't boff my husband (if he cheated) for a good 6 months after the fact, not until the AIDS test came back clear. And even THEN, I would never do him without a condom again. If you cheat, then there are consequences. Its a simple fact of life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I am not saying go have sex or your spouse will cheat, what I am saying is if its not a deal breaker and both spouses want to work it out after 20 years of marriage and 2 kids then don't hold back reconnect...again reconnect and move forward.

For some folks it is a deal breaker and divorce is on the horizon, then why bother.

Keep in mind the consqueneces of loosing her privacy, your trust, acounting for her every move and spendtiture is alot. Holding back sex and not getting laid is not the right direction. Why should I have to suffer when I have a smoken hot cheating wife that loves sex. (this is probably a guy thing)
Beside before I knew she was cheating we were skin on skin any way so I was screwed no matter what. Thank God she had a small amout of respect to use protection and thank God we are both clean after 20 some odd boytoys my wife has had.

I still have this bumb I can't get rid of...just kiding. In all seriousness,that is the first order of business when you have a cheating spouse.


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## 20matc11 (Mar 1, 2011)

I posted this in the "sex after affair" thread in which everyone seemed to say that sex got better after but it definitely goes here. My wife told me she had made out with a coworker during a fight that started with her acusing me of not loving her because I didnt say God Bless You when she sneezed. She did it (cheated and told me) to hurt me because she was so mad. 

Anyway, I shut down for a month but then tried to step up and give her what she wanted to satisfy the area that she said was lacking so she would forget about him. Things were getting better I thought, then she sent another picture of herself in her underwear to him 6 months after she told me about it. 

She didnt seem to think that the emailing and texting and the physical actions were connected at all and even after explaining several times I consider them all part of an affair im not sure she sees it that way. 

But since I found that picture (which happened when she accidentally left her email open because she changed her password after I found the other emails) I havent been able to even approach her for sex, I'm not sure my desire for her will come back. It hasnt been a good situation for either of us but there are a lot of issues I need to work through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

S/He probably wasn't having all that much riotous sex with you in the first place. Doing it now would be a comedy act.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I'm in the same situation you are in. My husband's affair was "outed" at the end of July last summer. We had a tiny surge of sexual activity at the beginning. I call it the cave man response. I had to put my mark on him. The attraction to having sex with him left quite quickly actually. Ever since then and even to this day I have to really put a lot of effort into having sex with him. With that said, I want our marriage to work. In so many ways we are compatible, but I know the sex issues related back to the affair. Honestly, the best thing I have done is to be honest with my husband about it. I've told him that sex with him is a very hard thing because of his affair. He internalizes it quite a bit and feels very guilty about it. But, by being honest with him about it and him being understanding, it's giving me the opportunity to take the time I need to get past it.

Oh and like a few others here I didn't eat for about a week. I lost 7 pounds very quickly and I kept it off. In January I started going to the gym at least 3 to 4 times a week to work out. Since I discovered my husbands affair I've lost 17 lbs in total. I'm not done, the weight is still coming off.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

my H and i have always had a great sex life and whist the affair was going on, we still were having se, now i did notice a disconnect between us fo the wek that he was playing away, but apart from that week our sex life was amazing. now,one week since finding out hes all over me all the time, and whist its easy to get carried away i cant fully commit to it as all the images are in my head at the time. i dont know if i should say lets lay of it a while. he says that with the OW it was just ****ing and not sensual in any way, but i love that style of sex and dont want him to just **** me. i want to be made love to because of the feelings im going through at the moment. he says that even if it does get really steamy etc its still making love as he loves me. but i dont want him to do to me what he did to her, because what he did to her and what we usuallly do! does that make sense to anyone?


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