# Not attracted to wife ...met OW



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Ive talked about pretty much the same problem, on this forum before so sorry if this is redundant to some. 

Heres the deal, Ive been married to my wife for 11years, we have no kids, im almost 40, shes a bit older. When we met the sex was great, she was very athletic but femine. Now were both still in decent shape body wise, but she has become very unfeminine, quite masculine actually, over the past 5 years or so, she doesnt do anything with her hair, wears no make up, and wears mens clothes. Ive bought her sexy stuff but she wont wear it, she works out her upper body alot and has a body almost like a guy now (shes not gay I asked) she even leaves her sweaty gym clothes around, and it smells like guys locker room in our bedroom, its total turn off! there no flirting and no touching, or playing on her part, we have sex maybe 2x a month and she does nothing but lay there, no bj's, no sexy clothes, no pillow talk. I on the other hand, i ALWAYS give her oral until she finishes 1st, and I always change up the routine so it doesnt become boring for her. She says it "amazing" but right after we leave the bed, she goes right back to the same zombie routine. At this point, I dont think I care if we ever have sex again.

Last summer I started, what some might consider and EA w/ another woman. I planned to sell our house and file for seperation from my wife, but the house never sold ,the holidays came and went, so I cooled it off w/ the OW. earlier this week the OW contacted me, and I invited her out for coffee, I figured I was over her and we could just be friends, but we immeaditley clicked again, the attraction was even stronger than at 1st, now we cant go a day ,or even a few hours w/out getting into some giggly phone conversation. My wife never calls me during the day, I actually barely see her during the week, were more roommates with benefits (lite on the benefits). I dont know if I can resist the OW this time. I feel like sex is inevitable, but I dont know if i can live with it after. 

heres my question, if your spouse doesnt even wanna have sex, flirt, or even acknowledge youre alive, do they really have the right to expect fidelity ? I know it sounds like Im looking for validation but what other reason is there to post on this forum?


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I think the right thing to do is to divorce first, then see the OW. I just can't condone adultery, even though I do feel you are in a bad situation. I still think the divorce should come before sex with someone else.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

1. You are vilifying your wife to justify your affair. Your feelings for this woman didn't stop and you are trying to find ways to justify leaving. Just leave. 2. This woman knows you are married and doesn't mind engaging in an affair with you, that should tell you something.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Brennan said:


> 1. You are vilifying your wife to justify your affair. Your feelings for this woman didn't stop and you are trying to find ways to justify leaving. Just leave. 2. This woman knows you are married and doesn't mind engaging in an affair with you, that should tell you something.


:iagree:

Sorry, you are not getting any validation so far. Fix your marriage or end it.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Yes, you should expect fidelity from her and she should expect fidelity from you. You took vows, correct? You're legally married, correct? 

If you cannot honor your vows and therefore have the need or desire or a temptation to seek another women, you should go to a marriage counselor, be totally honest with your wife or legally separate. 

Being dishonest and sneaky on your spouse of 11 years is cruel.

Whether it's an emotional affair, kissing, going out for coffee, having lunch together, going to a movie, talking on the phone, E-mailing, texting, holding hands and/or sex ............it's wrong if you're doing it behind your wife's back. 

Let's put it this way: 

How would your spouse react if she knew what you were doing? 

How would you like her to do the same to you?

Trust me, I have been there. My husband cheated on me and I was/am devastated. I wish he had opened up to me before he had his affair. So many people get hurt. The pain is awful. It effects so many people: I was very hurt, confused and disapppointed as was our son, my family, his family and our friends. 

And is the OW married? If so, more innocent people will be effected.

Trust me, people will find out.

I just feel that lying to another person is horrible.

As my Mom used to say, "What isn't done isn't found out."


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

VeryHurt said:


> Yes, you should expect fidelity from her and she should expect fidelity from you. You took vows, correct? You're legally married, correct?
> 
> If you cannot honor your vows and therefore have the need or desire or a temptation to seek another women, you should go to a marriage counselor, be totally honest with your wife or legally separate.
> 
> ...


Just for the record I dont really expect validation I just figure thats what people would say. I also know I should divorce her but it aint that simple.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear FranklinFx ~

I understand that you have not received your share of physcial and emotional support from your wife.

I understand that you feel empty.

I understand that you've had enough.

Then either: 

Go to a Marriage Counselor and let her know in a structured environment how unhappy and empty you have felt for years OR file for a Legal Separation or Divorce.

MC is an option.
Honesty is an option.
Separate is an option.
Divorce is an option.

I just don't feel that cheating is an option.

IMO: Two wrongs don't make a right.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Cheating is never okay. It shows a huge lack of character on your part. Leave the OW alone until you are legally single. End of story.


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## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

Be a man and announce your intentions to either end or fix your marriage. Seek help.

Don't be the a**h*le who cheats.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> I dont know if I can resist the OW this time.


Oh you can. The question is, will you? 

Either work on your marriage or get a divorce before cheating.
If things are so bad in your marriage, why haven't you filed?



Brennan said:


> 1. You are vilifying your wife to justify your affair. Your feelings for this woman didn't stop and you are trying to find ways to justify leaving. Just leave. 2. *This woman knows you are married and doesn't mind engaging in an affair with you, that should tell you something*.


Ding ding ding


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

This is coming from someone who took the wrong path. Don't do it. End the marriage first. If it's "not that easy", start removing the roadblocks.

I've had it "easy" compared to some. I was never found out. But I'll still never be able to say I've never cheated on a spouse, if I find someone else. I have to live with the fact that I broke my vows, and I can never get that back. So do it the right way.

Brennan and Jellybeans point about her willingness to be with you when she's in a long term relationship is a good one. How far can you trust her? How far can she trust you? Not a great start...

C


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Be honest with wife and decide. It's not fair to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your W has no right to demand "near" celibacy. She DOES have a right to demand basic honesty. 

Tell her straight up you are ready to leave, and tell her why (leave out the other woman). And then listen, really listen. When she finishes talking you will know if your M has a shot.




franklinfx said:


> Ive talked about pretty much the same problem, on this forum before so sorry if this is redundant to some.
> 
> Heres the deal, Ive been married to my wife for 11years, we have no kids, im almost 40, shes a bit older. When we met the sex was great, she was very athletic but femine. Now were both still in decent shape body wise, but she has become very unfeminine, quite masculine actually, over the past 5 years or so, she doesnt do anything with her hair, wears no make up, and wears mens clothes. Ive bought her sexy stuff but she wont wear it, she works out her upper body alot and has a body almost like a guy now (shes not gay I asked) she even leaves her sweaty gym clothes around, and it smells like guys locker room in our bedroom, its total turn off! there no flirting and no touching, or playing on her part, we have sex maybe 2x a month and she does nothing but lay there, no bj's, no sexy clothes, no pillow talk. I on the other hand, i ALWAYS give her oral until she finishes 1st, and I always change up the routine so it doesnt become boring for her. She says it "amazing" but right after we leave the bed, she goes right back to the same zombie routine. At this point, I dont think I care if we ever have sex again.
> 
> ...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

franklinfx said:


> I also know I should divorce her but it aint that simple.


It really is that simple. Trust me; when an affair is involved in a marriage.....that's when "it ain't that simple".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

827Aug said:


> It really is that simple. Trust me; when an affair is involved in a marriage.....that's when "it ain't that simple".


Amen


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I have to agree with everyone else - finish one thing before you start another. 

You are making your wife out to be the 'bad guy'. Everyone has faults. Maybe your wife is also having other problems you are not aware of. Maybe she is depressed. What ever the reason you have been married to her for eleven years and she deserves better than you cheating on her. 

The first thing you need to do is talk to your wife and give your marriage a change. Tell her you are thinking about leaving and give her a chance to change your mind and work on your marriage together. 

If that doesn't work then divorce and then - and only then- see this other woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> She DOES have a right to demand basic honesty.
> 
> Tell her straight up you are ready to leave, and tell her why (leave out the other woman).


I disagree on the last point. I think you should tell her why you are leaving. She deserves to knw wthe truth--that you have cheated on her with OW. Instead of just leaving and having her wonder _WTF happened?_

You can't see it now cause your head is clouded and high on dopamine but... a year from now you will see how you had to demonize your wife to justify your affair. You'll look back and think, _Damn, was she really all that bad? _ 1 year. Trust me.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Just to adress a few comments... 

1st, I did not cheat on my wife, I said it seems inevitable but I didnt think I could live with it, which is why I havent yet, and probably will never have the guts, to actually go through with it. 

My wife is not depressed shes just very sexually bland , and self absorbed. All she cares, and talks about is her job.

I dont consider talking ,and having coffee cheating, I never had sex of any kind with anyone but my wife in 11years. I certainly wouldnt consider her talking hanging out with another guy cheating. I dont think Id even care if she flirted w/ him, heck it be a turn on, at least Id know she wasnt dead from the pelvis down. I also dont buy into this EA stuff, people take that term waaaaay to far, I never told the OW "i love you" or want to #%^k them. Innocent flirting isnt a crime, especially when your spouse shows you zero attention.

Also, I have no intention of getting into a relationship with this particular OW, in fact the last thing Id do, even if I leave my wife, is get in a LTR, shes just someone I click with, whos in a similar situation , I guess were misery enjoying eachothers company ,whats wrong with that if we dont cross the line?

I dont hate my wife, I care very much for her, but its become more like the way I feel about a family member, or close friend, Ive tried my best but she just wont put forth any effort in the romance dept. weve had countless discussions about this, but it just never sinks in. I dont wanna divorce her but I dont know how much longer I can go on like this.



Lastly, I find it typical that, when a man comes on here and says he is dissatisfied with his wife sexually, and romantically, to the point he starts looking elsewhere, hes immediately viewed as a scumbag, and has his character, and his manhood questioned. but when a woman tells the same story of her husband refusing to give oral, having low sex drive, no flirting,etc., she is pitied and her infidelities often excused, or justified. Why is a mans sexually needs demonized, and a womans celebrated? I dont think thats fair.

I appreciate everyones input, and youre all entitled to your opinion about me, but Im not trying to hurt anyone, Ive been a very good husband to my wife for a long time, im just very lonely and the female attention felt good.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

franklinfx said:


> I also dont buy into this EA stuff, people take that term waaaaay to far, I never told the OW "i love you" or want to #%^k them.


You are sadly naive on this one Frank, an EA can be devastating to a marriage without the WS even knowing they are damaging it. It's called being in denial. Whether you are in an EA or not needs to be determined by you, but having some experience in the area I'd be you are in one. Like my wife you are probably in denial that is what it is. Think about it.

I don't think anyone is calling you a scumbag. Most certainly, you've gotten some terse responses about options in cheating but that is to be expected from a forum catering to people in troubled marriages. You've simply stated your issue and the temptation you're dealing with. Nothing wrong with that. But I'll repeat, if you can't fix the problem in the sex department with your wife then you should ask for a divorce and tell her why. Do this before you become emotionally or physically intimate with this other woman. You'll be be branded scumbag for sure then by a lot of people that have more importance in your life than us. Good luck.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Have you sat down and told you wife what you told us?

Does she "truly" know the state of your feelings and the state of your marriage from your perspective?

Or have you just piecemealed parts of how you feel so that she doesn't really know how you feel and how desperate and at edge your marriage really is?

If so, and she has done nothing on her part - then why do you stay?

Financial reasons, kids, what? Something must be keeping you there.

Why stay if your as dissatisfied, lonely and feel forgotten about?

It's just as easy to divorce as it is to stay.

Cheating is never the answer. And the fact that the OW knows you're married and she's in a LTR herself, that shows that your character and hers is sorely lacking at this point.

Let me tell you a little story.

My best friend, I'll call her *Jane*, was single but met a married man at a convention. They hit it off great and spent a lot of time together. When they both got back to their respective homes, they continued to e-mail and even call.

The married man left his wife and children for *Jane*. They dated and eventually married. I asked her if she was ever worried that her husband would do the same thing to her that he did to her first wife and she said no, he "really" loves me (guess he didn't really love his first wife??).

Fast forward a few years and guess what? Her husband found another woman he "really" loved and she was devastated when she found out about the affair (probably the same way his first wife was), and they are now divorced and he's on his "third" wife that he really loves.

The point being - how you behave in the face of adversity truly defines your character.

This affair will never play out well, because the two of you could never really trust each other - look what you're doing to your spouse/her SO.

Be a man, man up and either get into counseling with your wife (and tell her the ENTIRE truth of how things are from your end), or separate and divorce.

It's not fair to you or her to remain in a marriage that bring neither of you love or happiness.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Innocent flirting isnt a crime, especially when your spouse shows you zero attention.


How do you think anything gets started?

An EA

A PA

Dating?

By flirting. Didn't you innocently flirt with your wife when you were interested in her?

Anytime you divide (and that's what you're doing), your feelings, desires, needs and thoughts with another woman, then you are depriving your wife of the right to have access to those.

Put the shoe on the other foot.

Your wife came out here,

Complained that you were lacking in the sex department and didn't give her affection, 

And that she had met OM,

And wanted to have an affair and wanted OUR input.

What do you think we should tell her?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Have you sat down and told you wife what you told us?absolutly , doesnt care thinks our sex life is "amazing"
> 
> Does she "truly" know the state of your feelings and the state of your marriage from your perspective?
> 
> ...


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> How do you think anything gets started?
> 
> An EA
> 
> ...


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

FranklinFx ~

No one accused you of cheating but I think what most were trying to tell you that an innocent EA with someone has great potential is blossom into much more.

My husband's affair with his secretary started off as two people having something in common: They both were having problems with their spouses. They were just "friends" with something in common and they would bounce off feelings with one another and give each other "advice."

Here's what bothered me:

Who was this other woman with her own dysfuncional marriage giving my husband advice? 

Was she a professional marriage counselor, social worker or psychologist who was qualified to offer marital advice to my husband? NO

She only heard my husband's side of the story. If she had any brain cells she would have known that there are two sides to every story.

She had an agenda. My husband was her ticket out of her own lousy marraige and financial debt.

She knew what to say and would tell him what he wanted to hear.

Their "friendship" over coffee and lunch grew into an emotional affair that grew into a physical affair.

Flash Forward Two Years: She divorced her husband, sued my husband (knew she was a golddigger from day one) and we are struggling to save our 28 year marriage.

No one wins. 
Everyone gets hurt. 
Trust is never the same. 
The feelings of deceit and betrayal fade but never completely go away.

I am merely trying to show you how your wife MAY feel IF you decide to cheat on her.

I hope that I helped you.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

very hurt, Yes you made some good points you helped me alot.

sorry for what happened to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Franklin...

Couple things. First, a divorce doesn't have to be long, drawn-out, and expensive. If the two people can be grown-ups about it and decide that things just aren't working out, the paperwork can usually be filled out themselves. At least, that's the case up here...

Second, when you spend your time investing it into a relationship with someone else, you're not investing it into your marriage. If you're having your emotional needs met someone else, you have no reason to try to have them met at home. This is (to me, anyway) the way that an emotional affair damages a marriage. It removes the initiative to fix the marriage (or end it, if that's the fix).

Just because you've controled yourself up to now doesn't mean that it will continue. What about if you met, had a couple drinks after a big fight with your wife, and she kissed you long hard and deep in the parking lot of the bar? Still think you'd be able to shrug that off? It won't get easier to control yourself, I strongly suspect.

If you're not taking steps to fix what's wrong, you're on a slippery downhill slope. If you see absolutely no way to change your situation, then you should start taking steps to end it. If you did cheat on your spouse, what do you think the result would be if you're found? You'd have a strong chance of being divorced, the exact thing you say can't happen now. Only this time, there's almost guaranteed to be hard feelings (aka lawyer fees). The house is getting sold regardless of it's price, or it's getting handed back to the bank. 

You posted in here looking for validation on your question about whether your spouse deserves fidelity. You say so in your very first post, which strongly suggests you're thinking about or are open to the possibility of cheating.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does your wife know about you having coffee meetings w/ OW?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Appreciate your responses.

But here's where I stand.

I wouldn't care if my credit went down the toilet, my house went into foreclosure, etc., - if I was as unhappy as you - I'd leave.

I've already told my husband if I ever left, he could have everything - material items mean nothing in the long run - you can't take them with you.

My point is - I don't want to get old (older) or die and wonder, shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Life is too short.

Now you've said you have spelled everything out to her from A to Z.

Okay - have you guys tried any MC at all?

It appears, from what you've said that she has said, that your perspectives about your marriage, sex life and general relationship are on the opposite sides of the spectrum.

Therefore, you need a qualified counselor to sort it all out.

Now if you're not interested in counseling, then end it. Walk away -don't worry about the house, etc., just leave - that's what I would do if I was that miserable and didn't love my husband anymore.

Of course it didn't matter that you were single when you "flirted" with your wife.

But it DOES MATTER NOW - because YOU ARE MARRIED.

Period.

While married, she deserves fidelity and so do you.

Want to fool around, then get divorced.

That's all we're saying here. You "haven't" done anything yet, except an EA, but you've admitted you're on the way.

So our advice is, then leave. 

But you keep coming up with reasons why you "can't."

Therefore - what would you like our advice to be?


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> Just to adress a few comments...
> 
> My wife is not depressed shes just very sexually bland , and self absorbed. All she cares, and talks about is her job.



I'm not trying to be difficult, how do you know your wife is not depressed? Has she been to a doctor? Are you a doctor? I'm just saying if her sex drive has gone south then there might be a physical or emotional reason and it wouldn't hurt for her to have a complete physical. 




franklinfx said:


> I dont consider talking ,and having coffee cheating, I never had sex of any kind with anyone but my wife in 11years. I certainly wouldnt consider her talking hanging out with another guy cheating. I dont think Id even care if she flirted w/ him, heck it be a turn on, at least Id know she wasnt dead from the pelvis down. I also dont buy into this EA stuff, people take that term waaaaay to far, I never told the OW "i love you" or want to #%^k them. Innocent flirting isnt a crime, especially when your spouse shows you zero attention.


I agree with the previous poster that you are naive on this subject. Answer this, have you told your wife that you are having coffee with this other woman? Have you talked to this other woman about things you should be talking to your wife about? Does this woman know things about your marriage such as the things you have posted here? And have you told her things about your wife and your relationship that you wouldn't tell your guy friends?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

My wife does not know I have coffee with the OW, but then again, she doesnt know everytime I hang out with a guy either , so what? I could take a week long trip w/ the OW and my wife wouldnt notice I was gone, she doesnt hardly ever know where I am or what Im doing, she doesnt ever call or reach out to me, shes usually sleeping when I get home, and when we do see eachother, she just goes on and on, about her job, she doesnt care, so why should I?

Whats the big deal about hanging out with someone of the opposite sex anyway? If ya aint bumpn uglys whats the difference from hanging out with a guy. wre just having some laughs, No biggy. 

I think my point is, why should I be unhappy because she decided one day, to stop holding up her end in the romance dept. Is that fair? I could see how if she was a good wife who treated me right, like I treat her, and I still cheated, that would be wrong, but why would someone get mad that their spouse slept w/ another person, if they put forth no effort in and out of the bedroom? it makes no sense to me. I think being faithful no matter how bad the marital sex is, is overrated and sadly I think a wifes obligation to sexually and emotionally fulfill her husbands needs, is very underrated these days.

Back when my marriage was still somewhat solid, I use to say the same thing, that "you never cheat, respect your vows,period" but now that Im in that boat ,it dont seem so cut in dry, in fact it seems the only married guys I know, who have sexy, loving wives, who tend to their needs, are the guys who repeatedly cheat on them, sounds crazy but I just cant help noticing that all the schmucks like me, who stay faithful, have boring, sexless lives ,while "scumbag" are livin the good life. Nice guys finsh last I guess. Im sick of it! I wanna have some fun before I die. Yeah I know I sound like a POS but Im sorry, sex 2x a month aint gonna do it for me.

BTW maybe if I had a 620credit score like many folks out there Id not care about a forclosure, but I worked hard to get excellent credit, and Im not gonna just throw it away, besides worse time to ruin your credit is when youre rebuilding your life after a divorce. Like I said, its not that easy.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

SadieBrown said:


> I'm not trying to be difficult, how do you know your wife is not depressed? Has she been to a doctor? Are you a doctor? I'm just saying if her sex drive has gone south then there might be a physical or emotional reason and it wouldn't hurt for her to have a complete physical. last time I posted about this, people kept bringing up the same thing, it went on and on, in short,shes had plenty of physicals, she fine, trust me, it just seems like shes depressed from what Im telling you, but thats just the way she is these days.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

You know what. . .. it's obvious from reading your posts that you know what you want to do. You are looking for validation, I don't think you are going to get it however. You are painting your wife to be the total 'bad guy' in the marriage and you are the 'long suffering husband'. I'm of the opinion that it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it. The blame for a bad marriage might not be 50/50, it can even be 90/10, but I don't believe for a second that you are 100 percent the perfect husband. From the time you have started this thread you have dissed your wife, she is self centered, she doesn't pay you attention, and you are the good guy who puts up with her crap. You have shot down almost every suggestion made by other posters. You have stated that you talk bad about your wife to your guy friends also, it sounds as if you are setting things up so you will not appear as the 'bad guy' when you get divorced or have an affair. You have stated we have double standards and if you were a woman we would agree with you - I can't speak for others here but I know for myself I don't believe in cheating under an circumstances for either the husband or wife.

You say you are not in a EA with this woman, but you say the two of you can't go more than a few hours without getting into a giggly phone conversation - that sounds like something to me. 

But since you seem to have made up your mind on what and who you want then have at it hoss. 

Just please man up and be honest with you wife BEFORE you make your move.


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## typewittyusernamehere (Feb 12, 2011)

DB


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please stop and look at yourself as we see you. You have argued with everyone (or just about). You are clearly not here to contemplate how YOU can and perhaps should consider your role in the break down of your marriage--and yet, here is why you should:

The OW is attractive b/c she is NOT your wife. You are sex-starved and vulnerable. The worst thing in the world you could do for YOU is to jump out of marriage and into a new relationship.

If you want to try working on your marriage, get to MC. You will find out why your wife has stopped being attracted to you (that's why she doesn't want sex with you; she's just not that attracted to you anymore). You can work to fix what led her to start feeling that way--and you can expect her to fix what has led you to find her unattractive. If it works, be grateful you didn't cheat and have to live through the agony that will cause for the rest of your life--whether or not you told her.

If you try and it doesn't work, or you don't try, do NOT rush into a new relationship. Most people who have divorced need to learn to embrace being alone, and being truly happy with themselves, before they can find--or be--a really good partner. Why? B/c within the marriage, you made compromises you should not have made, you didn't stand up for yourself, and you demonstrated a lack of value for yourself. You would not have put up with the decline of sex and the decline in the quality of the marriage otherwise. You'd have been in MC a lot sooner, to get it fixed or get it over, b/c you would have valued your time on this earth that much.

So, start working on yourself. Break all ties with the OW--realize that is HIGHLY unlikely you will actually find her to be a suitable long-term companion (statistically, more than 70% of affair-mates end in divorce) and from the evidence demonstrated by her willingness to be in such a relationship with you, she is demonstrating a lack of character and/or a lack of value for herself. No happy, self-confident woman gets attached to a married man. She has a lot of work to do, too. And since both of you are attracted to each other for the wrong reasons (ie, not having enough value for yourself), you are unlikely to find each other attractive if/when one of you grows. 

It will be very difficult to break off from the other woman, but you can do it. You will mourn the loss for several months, but it WILL pass. It will also slow down your progress in fixing the marriage or fixing yourself. But within a couple of years, you will be SO glad you did the right thing--really. And this does not mean you cannot date and have sex if you divorce--just be very clear with yourself and any partners that you are NOT interested in anything long-term. As long as you are honest with yourself and others, things will be ok. 

Good luck.


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## littlebear (Apr 9, 2011)

I think you should stop seeing this other woman because it is a form of cheating. Next step, you need to really decide whether you want to get a divorce and let your wife know. It is not fair to her for you to be seeing another woman behind her back. You don't know the reason why she is not having sex with you. It might not be that she is not sexually attracted to you. It could be her thyroid, depression, etc. This is important in understanding before you hurt her. Cheating on someone is the worst, worst person you can do to someone. U owe her the respect to let her go before you do that. One of the main reasons why you are seeing this woman and you are atracted to her is because you are getting attention from her that you are not getting from your wife. That need is not been met. You need to talk to your wife about that and maybe consult with a counselor. Please do not cheat. Take it from someone who has been cheated on.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I am not in love w/ the OW, lust maybe, but not love, I just like the attention and the flirting, sorry Im married, not dead.We dont talk all the time, everyday, just when were bored or lonely, its usually just goofy, innocent stuff anyway, and I only see her maybe once a week for a few minutes to say whats up. I would certainly not get into a LTR w/ her. actually I still very much love my wife in many ways, we just dont have a good sex life, and thats a big problem for me.

Thanks to all for listening to me vent and purge myself, it really helped alot, thanks for all the suggestions too, Ill definitely take them all under advisement.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The fact that you don't tell your wife when you meet with OW and the fact that you call her OW and your entire first post was based on whether you should be expected to be faithful in your marriage tells you everything you need to know.

Choice is yours. If you want out so bad and the marriage sucks, just go. But I wouldn't lie to your wife about what is going on. She has a right to know.


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## Genevieve87 (Apr 2, 2011)

The devil you know the say is better than the angel you dont know the woman you are going after is she better than your wife please you just have to remember the love and affection you had for her when you first started and consol yourself another woman cannot solve the problem. Your woman should please understand your feelings for her.as for me i give sex to my man whenever he wants it because i know it is my responsibility. You just have take it easy with her and faith.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

franklinfx said:


> Just to adress a few comments...
> 
> 1st, I did not cheat on my wife, I said it seems inevitable but I didnt think I could live with it, which is why I havent yet, and probably will never have the guts, to actually go through with it.
> 
> ...


Other posters have laid out for you what is odd about your way of thinking right now but you don't seem to be paying it any heed.

Ask yourself this question since it is much simpler: would you have been ok with your wife seeing you having coffee and chatting with this woman? Or did you actively hide it from her and lie to her about where you were going at some point? Did you have conversations where you laid open emotional or sexual parts of yourself with this woman that you are denying your wife? You're investing emotion in another woman, and you're lying to your wife about it. Maybe you haven't had sex yet, but you have still cheated in all the important ways. 

If you really want to explore a relationship with this woman, do it honorably, and divorce your wife first, and ask this woman to end her relationship and give it a shot. A lot of relationships on this forum have fizzled after being exposed, and I suspect that will be the case once the excitement of hiding it has gone. Your wife may not be your ideal, but after 11 years she deserves more than to be your plan B if things with this woman don't work out. Good luck. And deep down, you know what the right thing to do is.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Zombie thread from 4 years ago.


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