# How to deal with depressed husband....



## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

My husband suffers from depression and I'm losing patience. I don't understand depression or mental illness, so I'm going to apologize now in case I say something that's insenstive.

He goes through these bouts of depression at least once a month and doesn't want to get help. He's losing jobs because of this because he doesn't go to work when he gets like this. 

I have begged him to go talk to someone, but he says he can deal with it himself. We've been married for 18 years and it's progressively getting worse. I'm thankful that we don't have kids. 

He suffered a lot of abuse and other stuff as a child, which I just learned about last year. 

Any advice you can give to help me deal with someone who is depressed would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Support in. complain out. 

The best thing you can do is be supportive, kind, understanding and listen without judgement. 

Maybe you could walk and talk together. Exercise helps. 

Counseling would help, but you can't make someone go. They have to want to go.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I deal with this with my W. He's an adult, so you really can't force him to get the help he needs. You could decide to leave, which might actually get him to seek help. 

Other than that, my advice to you is to take care of yourself. Keep your mental/physical health up, lean on friends/family and find little things to make yourself happy. You may also want to read the book "Codependent No More." After 18 years with him, it probably applies.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suffered from depression for years.

As long as you stay and support him while he loses jobs and does nothing to heal he will stay sick.

And yes it does get worse as they age.

Watched my father drink himself into an early grave due to depression.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

I think I need couseling.... 

I'm really trying to been a supportive, loving wife, but it's taking a toll on me, too. I've been trying really hard to bite my tongue and not say what I truly feel, which is all of the wrong things that you can say to a depressed person. There is help out there and I don't understand why he won't take it. 

On a positive note he used to deal with his depression by drinking. That has gotten 125% better. What a nightmare that was! 

I've been trying to get him back into the gym. He used to be so active and that has completely dwindled the last few years. He just lays in the basement on the futon in the dark all day.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

BRB said:


> I think I need couseling....


Then go. I put that off for years, and then decided to try individual marriage counseling. It helped a bit.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

BRB said:


> My husband suffers from depression and I'm losing patience. I don't understand depression or mental illness, so I'm going to apologize now in case I say something that's insenstive.
> 
> He goes through these bouts of depression at least once a month and doesn't want to get help. He's losing jobs because of this because he doesn't go to work when he gets like this.
> 
> ...


Are things happening at work.... something that he might perceive as criticism... etc. that causes him to not want to go to work?


Does he have inter personal issues with co-workers?


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

No, it's his family. That's what triggers it. He suffered a lot of abuse as a child, which I just learned about last year. He went to talk to a professional (a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma) once last year and he liked it, but never went back.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I suppose you've pointed out to him that he says he'll handle it... but the track record shows that he is not handling it.. Does he see needing help as a blow to his male ego?

For his own benefits and welfare... he needs to go see someone. Do ya'll have a family physician? Could you make an appt. for him and go with him? 

Certainly, he doesn't want to live the rest of his life like this does he? Time to get help!!!


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Tell him to get help or you're leaving since it's affecting YOUR mental health. That's what my man had to say to me, and I am forever thankful.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

He may just need meds. I think he should explore that option. Some people just need a little extra seratonin and it can be life changing. Yes it is not your problem but if he is depressed he will not be motivated to get help on his own, so you CAN help.


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## CrazyBeautiful1 (Oct 21, 2013)

My H suffers from depression, and this last bout has been the worst because he decided to blame our M. He is lashing out, so I've backed off.

Amazingly enough, me not trying to help him has actually helped him. By making suggestions for exercise, counseling, etc., I was just making him feel worse. Now that we are facing separation, he has opened up to me and is seeking IC. Sometimes the only thing that can help people suffering from depression is no help at all.

When they realize they're on their own with this disease, they tend to act on it sooner rather than later! By all means, continue being supportive and loving.. But maybe letting him have the power will encourage him to get help. An ultimatum as mentioned above may help as well, if you need something drastic. My H is all about control though, so I had to leave it be and have watched him suffer for years.

Good luck to you both! Depression is a tough road, especially tough on relationships!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PrairieWind (Nov 29, 2013)

My husband is also depressed. We've been married 14 years. His depression started with small bouts where he would be checked-out and would make me feel worthless. I would confront him and he would "snap-out" of the fog. Over time these bouts got worse and longer and eventually I gave up trying to fix the problem. For us this was a big mistake because it became the demise of our marriage. When I told my husband that I wanted to separate it shocked him enough to finally get help, start meds, go to counseling, but for us I think it is too little too late. Sorry, don't have more advice, just my experience.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I have had depression issues since my teens. 

The best long term advice I can give is to try help your husband clean up his lifestyle , do it with him. 

Avoid alcohol as it deepens depression. Eat properly. Cut out fat and sweats. Gentle exercise , walking for 20 minutes a day can do wonders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## satrap (Nov 9, 2013)

I'm a depressed husband; issues with my job and, I think, underlying problems with my marriage have made me depressed. Sounds like you have a good grasp on the situation, but I'll tell you: unless your husband begins a medication regime, it will be nigh impossible for him to make real progress. It simply sounds like the depression is too severe to simply be 'treated' by exercise or social means. 

He needs a psychiatrist


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