# "I'll make a divorce easy for you..."



## LeaPrice (Apr 3, 2014)

"I'll make a divorce easy for you." This is what my husband told me in the midst of a "fight." He thinks I'm bored with him because when I travel I have a few drinks with colleagues...maybe 2-3 times A YEAR. He doesn't want me to do that. I've never cheated. He assumes otherwise. Most recently he's talked about jealousy, but the biggest complaint seems to be that I'm out having fun without him. However, he doesn't like to go out and do the same things I like to do. It's just not his personality. He'd rather sit home and watch a movie...or play his video games. He claims he doesn't want a divorce, but is always the one to bring it up in a fight and most recently he said he'd make it easy for me. 

So, does that mean he wants the divorce but doesn't want to be the one to ask for it or admit it? Wants me to be the "bad guy?" 

We have 2 kids. 6 and 2. The oldest is mildly autistic (Aspergers). My husband is also diagnosed with Aspergers although he doesn't seek treatment/therapy and only wants me to accommodate his needs. He isn't emotionally available for me. I'm employed while he stays home with the kids. He says I don't love and respect him, but the only complaint he has is that I go out with colleagues when out of town. We do plenty of things together just the two of us. One night a week is date night, no kids. Every few months we take a weekend mini vacation and visit a local city for fun. He thinks when we're out just the two of us I should be the same as when I'm out with 5 friends. It just doesn't work that way.

This probably isn't making sense, but I'm just frustrated. He's left the divorce decision entirely up to me. He doesn't even want to talk about it. He says this is because when we do talk he ends up laughing after I say something and he says its just his way of dealing with the frustration, but it upsets me because I feel like he's laughing AT me. So he won't talk to me anymore about our problems. To me, that's another sign he actually wants the divorce. 

Thoughts?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The next time he throws out the D word, tell him not to let the door hit him on his way out. 

Is he not working because he is considered disabled because of the Aspergers? Were you aware of his condition before you married? He doesnt process emotions like other people so you are likely never going to be able to get your emotional needs met with him. Him throwing divorce at you and not discussing problems is emotional abuse. You seem to hold all the cards here, so if he isnt willing to get help to work on making things better with you, then take the steps to get him out of your life.


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## LeaPrice (Apr 3, 2014)

Thank you, 3X. Its a long story, but he had a good job when we met. He quit his job, with my encouragement, because he wanted to write. 2 years later he hasn't produced anything and we had our first child. I made good money so he stayed home with our son. After year of a slightly dysfunctional but tolerable marriage he decided the requests I had were too much because he had Aspergers. He went and found a psychiatrist to diagnose him but I've never seen any paperwork on any such diagnosis. He's not disabled. I don't mind that he's home with th kids but he's recently told me he doesn't think he'll ever get a job or make much or any money writing. Its frustrating. He's very negative. I was just wondering if he's trying to guilt me or sincerely wants me to be happy so he'll divorce me if its what I truly want.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi LeaPrice.

My wife is an Aspie. I've had some of the same kind of experiences that you have.

Social interaction can be hard for my wife. She doesn't always have an internal sense of what to say. She frequently operates on "scripts" that she has learned. She will use a statement that she thinks applies in a certain situation.

When your husband says, "I'll make divorce easy on you...", do you think this might be something he heard growing up? Would it be something he thinks is supposed to be said while fighting? Do you think this is his script and not his actual intention?

Aspies will frequently do things that we (as neurotypicals) deem as socially inappropriate...like laughing at the wrong time. Really, this is our hang-up. He told you why he does it and you are still offended. 

My advice is to stop trying to read the signs. Listen to what he says and take it very literally. In return, say what you mean and mean what you say...directly.

How much research have your done on being married with Aspergers? I'd be glad to point you in a few directions if you are interested. Hope this helps.


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## LeaPrice (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks for the reply, BigTree. Its a lot more complex than what I've put here. I've done lots of reading on Aspergers and living with someone with Aspergers being that both my husband and son have it.

I can't even begin to give you the full story. He's never heard his parents fight and he knows he shouldn't say anything about divorce. He just keeps making all of our issues my fault. "You're bored. You don't like me. You don't have fun with me." And he wants me to change all of that. I don't know how. I don't feel bored. I feel lonely. I like him, I just don't like certain things about him (negativity, how he treats others, isolation, etc.). I don't NOT have fun with him. I just ALSO have fun with others. That's the part he doesn't like. His personality isn't one to go out and "party." Mine is. The situation for us to go out with a group of people together doesn't present itself. It's just a lot.

Thanks for the response.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It sounds like your first step needs to be counseling.

1) Tell H that as it takes TWO people to make a marriage successful, you will BOTH have to participate openly and honestly in counseling to help improve your marriage. 

2) Set up marital counseling (look for someone who is familiar with disorders like autism/aspberger's). If he objects because HE wants to choose the counselor, let him!

3) If he is unable/unwilling to participate openly & honestly in counseling for at least 6-8 months, then you have your answer. Walk out the door because things will NOT change in your marriage without professional assistance.

4) If he is able/willing to participate fully, then you should be making some significant headway by the 6-8 month mark.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

If he whines but does nothing about it then you've got someone who may only respond to crisis. Not good. It may be time for you to put your foot down and lay down the law and inform him that he either seeks help or you will file for divorce. It's time for him to $hit or get off the pot.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The next time that your H makes that excited utterance, let him know, and in no uncertain terms, that you are more than willing to begin letting him begin to "practice" living life out on his very own, with absolutely no monetary assistance from you!

That might well break him from "sucking eggs!"

*


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

LeaPrice,

I feel for you.

"He claims he doesn't want a divorce". I believe that. I also believe that he lacks the empathy and other-focus required to want to "set you free" by divorce.

My guess is that he is offering you a solution to something he considers YOUR problem...in hopes that you will stop complaining. If you are expecting something from him that he cannot deliver, because his brain is wired differently, then isn't that YOUR problem?

With that being said, you still want what you want. You want social interaction that he cannot provide. You want your emotional state to be validated. You want to feel connected. I get it and I feel for you.

Can you accept your husband for who he is and find other ways to meet your needs (that are safe to your marriage)? Self care is super important in a NT/AS relationship.

If you can't or don't want to do that, you can live in this uncomfortable state or take him up on his offer.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Probably not a good idea for me to answer since I had the same issue with my H. I did not want him drinking on business trips (he spent about half time away). 

He has a history of cheating and it was always under the influence.

I can tell you how I think your H FEELS: insecure, threatened, and disrespected. Maybe powerless (since you won't stop the drinking with colleagues).

I decided that the ongoing behavior and the lack of empathy and consideration for my feelings was a dealbreaker so I initiated D. As soon as I did, he cheated again with a co-worker (despite ongoing regular sex at home).

To me, it is telling that you posted in considering D or S instead of GR. Speaks of being near the end.

How is your sex life?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Ha! famous last words for the person who wants to leave, and dump you with all the problems. Dont bet on it.


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