# He says I'm being needy. I'm angry!



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

My H says I am being "needy"... I am quite upset at him for this. Am I justified or is he right? I will outline...

This week, my H has been ill. He got really bad on Tuesday and took the rest of the week off work. He has spent from Tuesday evening until Friday afternoon pretty much solidly in bed sleeping.

From Tuesday onwards, I have done literally everything around the house and to do with the kids on my own. Add to that an ill youngest kid which means night waking every night and 5am starts. I fell asleep sat up with my face on the laptop on Thursday evening 

I have hardly seen H. I have looked after him as he needed but naturally because he's been sleeping so much it's just been little old me. I haven't ventured far because last time he had this he ended up in hospital and it was looking like that this time so I didn't want to leave him just in case.

Friday afternoon he felt a lot better. Got up, came downstairs and looked much better. Ran a couple of errands. When the kids were all off out and in bed, I made the moves on him. He suggested a quickie as he was going out in a bit, which I didn't know about. I said I'd prefer a bit more, wanting to reconnect and said we can wait until he's come back.

He came back. Late. Much later than he usually does. He knew how tired I was (I haven't mentioned I have been ill this week too but not being as ill as him had to get on with it) and that we had a "date" but in the end I had to go to bed. I was pretty angry. Angry because he didn't come back on time but angry because he'd had plans with his dad today and I knew he'd sleep in, get up and we'd hardly see each other before he went out, and would come back wrecked and slope off to bed tonight.

As it was, he had more errands to run and wanted me to come along with him. OK, so I did. I could see he was feeling bad about us not having time together over the weekend. He said how much he appreciated everything I'd done this week, how hard I'd worked even though I'd been ill too, and if there was anything he could do, or get me as a gift to make it up to me that he'd planned to go out today all ready, what would it be? "The gift of your time" I replied.

"Time?" "Yeah." I made an admittedly flippant comment about how he'd put off us being intimate, and how I'd like his time, and he said me saying this was me sounding needy. I was so taken aback. What I was/am actually feeling was very deprioritized. He then said that he has things to do today, and we have the rest of our lives together, 50 years of the future, and there is always tomorrow. OK yes there mostly is, but I was feeling he's saying there's always tomorrow FOR ME. The other stuff gets his today.

I'd planned stuff to do so I went off out before he left to go out. I'm feeling really hurt by his comments and trying to get some perspective. Am I being needy? I understand this hasn't been a regular week, but I genuinely don't feel what I want is unreasonable, and I don't think I expressed this in a needy way. Or did I? He mentioned we could go see a film tomorrow and my initial (and admittedly probably childish) reaction is to tell him to stick it because I've made other plans. Hmm.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

That's quite a recovery! I don't think you're being "needy". I think it's wonderful that you want to deeply connect with your husband instead of just knocking boots. I've been with my wife 10 years and never heard her express as much. It would positively melt my heart if she did. Lots of husbands (wives too) never get to feel that their mate truly desires them. Your husband is very very lucky.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I don't think you were being needy. Your love language is probably quality time. Nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your husband especially after the week you had. 

I wouldn't recommend turning him down on his offer to go see a movie. To me it shows he was listening to you and is offering to spend time with you. You don't want to discourage him from doing this.

Good luck, and hope you feel better.


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## Imbwj (Jun 20, 2010)

Great comments from the others! It is also true that men and women often don't unstand each other, it's very true that they just plain think differently. It will take both of you years to more fully understand that fact, and as you are able to, life will be be a little easier. If you both work at calmly explaining your feelings to each other and try not to take things too personally, that is the best way to proceed, then be willing to forgive, especially the little (and yes, sometimes hurtful) things. Men don't usually mean to come accross as uncaring, they just assume that if they wouldn't be hurt by something they said or did that neither should a women, they are clueless when it comes to figuring out how a women thinks and feels. Always be willing to sit him down and nicely let him know to the best of your ability how and why what he has said or done has upset or hurt you, because I can promise you, he likely really doesn't know. He will never fully understand you, but if you keep working at it, he will at least start understanding that fact and work a little harder at showing you he really does care. What you need to remember is that most men don't really mean to be that insensative, just chalk it up to the fact that "he is a man" and it's part of his genetic make-up.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks guys. I guess I'm angry as through counseling he knows quality time is my love language and that he has deprioritized this in the past. 

I have looked at it from his POV and tried to understand what he said. He has said a version of the "we have the rest of our lives together" thing before. Again when I was trying to arrange time together. I felt hurt that he wasreally just paying lip service to my efforts this week: like yes dear, I'm saying all the right things, now wait there quietly til I've done the fun stuff and I'll promise you a little time somewhere to keep you on side like a loyal little puppy. Like, yeah you've worked hard all week, here you go, have another afternoon and evening to handle everything by yourself whilst you're still ill...

I don't expect him to break plans for me. But it would have made my day if he'd have said, "f*** going out, after the week we've had and everything you've done, let's just snuggle up just you and me". I feel pretty insulted that he says one minute he realizes what a hard week I've had doing it all myself and being ill, then says I'm off out later and leaves me to have to carry on as I have been. Nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

We had some cross words yesterday. When I was explaining that I felt hurt, he thought I was throwing his appreciative words back at him. He went out and sent me a very short text saying he wasn't happy about it. I replied saying that wasn't my intention and explained how I felt.

I said there were millions of men who'd love to be in his shoes, to have their wife want them: to him it's an inconvenience. That I didn't realise there was a quota for quality time. That he's been at home all week and I haven't seen him, and now he's better he's spent more time and effort going out than seeing me.

He actually apologized. Said he spent too much time hating work. I know he hates his job but not sure how that worked out. I don't know.

We had a couple of hours yesterday just me and him. We reconnected. It was great. Picked up the kids, and after they were all asleep, he was off out again. OK. He was back at work today. Came back, was messaging his best friend, whose had some bad news about he's losing his job and wants my H to meet up for a beer. OK. He has been out Friday, Saturday, Sunday and now Monday. I have arranged to go out Wednesday. I don't go out very much. His face was a picture. "What are you doing? Who with?" "Well, one of the guys from the gym..." said tongue-in-cheek. "REALLY?" Erm no Mr but the guys at the gym actually make the effort to come and talk to me (yes I realize their motivations!)

I am REALLY super pissed. He asks me if I mind when he wants to go out. I say no: say "yes" and he either tries to get round me, or stays in with a face like a petulant teenager and I'd rather he wasn't here than was here but under duress. What do I do? I can't MAKE him want to spend time with me, but I feel so sad he'd rather go do that with everyone else than me


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You married one of those guys who wants to " hang with the boys" all the time . A "quality time" woman should never never never do this, it would be the same as marrying a Workaholic, It likely will be a constant struggle -unless he gets a revelation in the future. 

If you are needy, I am a freaking Needaholic, I would have many fights with your man, he wouldn't be able to stand me. Your love languages are way off. He appears to want to pacify you with gifts...and I bet that is at the bottom of your list. 

Best to not throw cold water on his offers to go out to the movies though, but given how you are feeling, I perfectly understand WHY you did this.

If you could look 5 years ahead and your family life was the same as now, a constant striving for his time , what would you do? I agree, we really can't change anyone else. But we have choices ourselves. You can either stay married and try to fill your time wtih friends like he is doing -trying to remain relatively happy, or realize maybe you married the wrong type of man -FOR YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get him this book: Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. 

Ask him to read it or, if he won't read, read it TO him. It very clearly explains that, when you get married, you can still get to do your guy stuff...BUT...you have to acknowledge that your first priority is to your wife, then your kids, and as long as you meet those obligations, you can get to do all the 'fun' stuff.

It's from Help for Men, Mentor for Men, Men's Groups, Relationship Advice, Life Coach.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous. I find it interesting how the love languages can be negated when the other spouse doesn't understand that need. If you want quality time, then you are needy. If you want gifts, you are materialistic. If you want acts of service, then you're never happy!

I have realized something important. He does enjoy our time together. The massive disconnect is because I am very particular about what constitutes quality time. To me, it is the time where it is just me and him, focussed on each other. For him, ANY time with me fulfils his need for quality time.

This causes a problem as when I'm arranging time with him, he can think I'm being demanding, or that I'm never happy. Eg: Friday afternoon when he got up, we ran some errands together and picked up the older kids from school. When I said later about us reconnecting, what he saw was me being crazy: after all to him we'd.just spent the afternoon together hadn't we?

So I get that. I have explained it. He gets it. I can see he's making an effort. I'm not sure how it'll pan out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I suggest, besides the book I recommended (VERY easy read), that you two set up one hour a week to talk about your relationship. Maybe go on a walk once a week and talk. Make it a safe zone where you both can say how you feel without the other one jumping in to defend himself. Both of you need to be heard, so the other is aware of what they need (Emotional Needs) and don't like (Love Busters).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'm needy too...H has been working on a big project at work...and yes, I'm feeling a little neglected. So I told him so...and he said "You require all my attention!". Well, when he's home and NOT working, yes, I'd like his attention. Anyways, my answer to him was "I realize I need more attention that the average woman...but no one ever said I was the average woman!". That lightened it up a lil'bit...he wants to improve. I want him to recognize the way I am (and I the way he is) and meet halfway. Sound good?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that women sometimes need to acknowledge that men don't work the same way. Men want a marriage, yes. But they don't want the marriage to define them, they don't want to be only _about_ that marriage. They still want to have guy friends just like when they were growing up and single. They want to have fun, and NOT just with their wives. If the woman expects her man to spend the rest of his life only with her, to spend every spare minute with her...well, that marriage isn't going to last or at least isn't going to be a fulfilling one for both parties.

That's why I recommend the N.U.T.S. book - it describes how to have a balance so that BOTH people are happy.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

please tell my W how to try to get emotionally connected with me, or how to plan date night. I would love to know if she desires me. we are backwards, she wants a marriage, but she doesn't want the marriage to define them, she doesn't want to be only about the marriage. I don't even care anymore, I just want some friggin acknowledgment and some thoughtfulness to show me I'm her man, that i'm important to her, like I give to her every day.


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## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

Turnera, is there a book out there for women? To show her that It very clearly explains that, when you get married, you can still get to do your girl stuff...BUT...you have to acknowledge that your first priority is to your H and kids, and as long as you meet those obligations, you can get to do all the 'fun' stuff. 

I'm just angry today and want her to change.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> SimplyAmorous. I find it interesting how the love languages can be negated when the other spouse doesn't understand that need. If you want quality time, then you are needy. If you want gifts, you are materialistic. If you want acts of service, then you're never happy!
> 
> I have realized something important. He does enjoy our time together. The massive disconnect is because I am very particular about what constitutes quality time. To me, it is the time where it is just me and him, focussed on each other. For him, ANY time with me fulfils his need for quality time.
> 
> ...


For me, those activities do sound like “quality time together”. It is about doing things together. He could have quite easily left you to it, or run the errands by himself.

I think you are talking about romance and affection. I think you want him to be affectionate with you and romance you. Which is not at all surprising after his affair. I would imagine you are feeling insecure and to overcome that insecurity you need him to romance you and show you affection.

If that is what you need then by saying “quality time” to him while at the same time “romance and affection” are not in his head, then you have a big problem of communication. I’m kind of Mr Romantic and very affectionate, I’m a hugs, cuddles and touches guy. I even enjoy a hug with my good mates and my son. But some men are very cool with their emotions and see that stuff as unmanly. I tried hugging FIL once and he may just as well have been a lamppost, its just his way.

If your H is not naturally romantic or affectionate then I think you are going to have to be specific in what you want, if indeed that is what you do want. Like tell him to bring you some flowers once a week for the next two months, to give you a hug from behind when in the kitchen or a cuddle on the couch when watching the tv. If you can guide him for a bit he may well take up the slack after a while and start doing things off his own bat once he’s got the hang of it. Massaging is always very good as well, music, incense, candles, wine, real quality time that!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wanttheoldher said:


> please tell my W how to try to get emotionally connected with me, or how to plan date night. I would love to know if she desires me. we are backwards, she wants a marriage, but she doesn't want the marriage to define them, she doesn't want to be only about the marriage. I don't even care anymore, I just want some friggin acknowledgment and some thoughtfulness to show me I'm her man, that i'm important to her, like I give to her every day.


 How old is she? How long have you been married? How old was she when she got married? Are you a Nice Guy who lets her do what she wants? (if so, stop that TODAY!)

You should start your own thread, btw.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, you're confusing quality time with romantic time, ww.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is an Acts of Service and Quality Time person. I make sure that he has a nice hot meal after work. He appreciates this a lot. 

I also make him a priority when planning what to do with my free time. Since I was always very independent, this was a huge issue when we were engaged. I was having difficulty growing into sharing my life with someone and I spent more time away from my husband than with him. I also had to learn to put down the phone and close my laptop when he arrived at the end of the day. These changes meant a lot to my husband.

I am a Words and Touch lady. When we were dating, my husband had to learn to speak my love languages so that we would be happy together. After nearly five years of dating, living together and marriage, I get all the beautiful words and kisses I want. 

You are not being needy at all.

Turnera, would you agree that some women also compartmentalize their marriages? I have worked very hard not to let my marriage be what defines me. Anything could happen to my marriage or my husband...what would I have left then?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, definitely, FirstYearDown. Every person is different. What I say is usually a generalization based on very broad, acknowledged traits of women vs. men. But we all know there will be people who don't fit the mold. 

I grew up a tomboy because (1) I only had an older brother and had to do what he did if I wanted to get to play and (2) my dad only wanted boys so if I wanted to get time with him it had to be time for fishing, carpentry, etc.

I haven't had more than 5 female friends my whole life; probably why I understand males so much. So I don't fit normal molds, either. But I know that, sociologically speaking, it helps to learn more about how men are different from women and what typically makes each group tick.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I have three brothers and my childhood was lonely, because they all did "man things" together and leave me out. I still learned a lot about males.

Women usually stab me in the back, so I only have two close female friends, along with a sister in law that I love.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I will get hold of that book turnera thanks.

I am thinking hard about the quality time vs. romantic time. To me, of course it was time together which I enjoyed, no matter what we were doing. I hesitate to call it "quality" time in the sense that when you have kids around demanding your attention, it detracts from your time. Then I am more focussed on the kids than me and him. To me that is family time. Family time is great: it's just not the same as quality time where we are a couple and not parents primarily.

He is probably more romantic in some ways post-A. Counseling has helped him understand us a lot more. I suppose if I were to define it, I would say I wanted us to "date" more? He has taken this on board as in he gets it, but when it comes to the practicalities, that is when it comes unraveled. Like, he wouldn't invite me along for a beer because he doesn't want the hassle of arranging a sitter. If we've been together at the weekend having family time, he doesn't see the point of going on a date night. In fact I sometimes think the only way to actually get him to agree to a date night would be to ration all the other time we gave together and literally spend no time together any other time. He would be hurt then: he loves me joining him on running errands for company. He might get it then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you aware that Dr Harley recommends that every couple spend at least 10 to 15 hours a WEEK together, doing non-kid/household/work-related activities? This is vital to keeping your marriage alive. When you were dating, you weren't dreaming of spending all your time with kids and play dates and school events - you were dreaming of romantic getaways and SF and treating each other with surprises that show them you love them.

If you drop all that just because you have a kid...why stay married? You're not a baby factory. He's not a sperm donor. You're a couple, and you got together because you loved being together.

Running errands for the company...the first 10 years of my marriage, I traveled with my husband on his business trips; I used up all my vacation time doing this, so he would be 'ok' on his trips, not alone. We never took real vacations. He was in heaven. I was feeling more and more taken for granted. That was that beginning of the end of my love for him. Just sayin'.

As for the 10-15 hours...be creative. Wake up 20 minutes earlier every day and sit down with him for a cup of coffee and some connection time. If he's washing a car, go out and help him and get in a waterhose fight. If you're picking him up from the airport, hire a babysitter for an hour, show up wearing nothing but an overcoat, and drive him to a deserted road and 'surprise' him (this works GREAT) before heading home.

FIND ways to reconnect with him. 

Do you know why most men cheat or divorce? Because their wives replace them with the kids. The women start getting all their Emotional Needs met by the kids, the kids' activities...while the husband feels more and more unappreciated, taken for granted, just there for the paycheck.

I got my hair cut yesterday and my girl, who I've know for 15 years, 4 kids, mid 30s, was complaining because the first 10 years of marriage, he was out drinking with the buddies while she stayed home. He told her to go out with friends, but she didn't want to - she was getting her needs met by her kids. But now, now she's joined a gym, started going to a zumba class every single day, has a group of about 20(!) female friends with whom she does stuff nearly every weekend...and he's now complaining. 

At first glance you'd say 'well, he deserves it.' But she didn't HAVE to stay home those first 10 years; she chose to. She can't blame that on him (though she tried). But now, now that she has a life and he wants to be a homebody, his feelings are hurt. He's been replaced. Luckily, he SAID SO. She's mad at him for griping, but I told her, 'You're lucky he's giving you this valuable information. USE it.' I told her about Emotional Needs and how you have to be the one meeting them for your partner, or else they'll cheat or leave. 

Big eye opener for her. 

FIND a way to get a balance in your life. Give him a REASON to want to spend time with you. And I'll tell you a secret: probably 75% of good, valid reasons are going to involve sex when it comes to men.

You can complain all you want. But until you find a way to reach HIS ENs, you two will be at opposite sides of the boxing ring and get nowhere.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Are you aware that Dr Harley recommends that every couple spend at least 10 to 15 hours a WEEK together, doing non-kid/household/work-related activities? This is vital to keeping your marriage alive. When you were dating, you weren't dreaming of spending all your time with kids and play dates and school events - you were dreaming of romantic getaways and SF and treating each other with surprises that show them you love them.
> 
> If you drop all that just because you have a kid...why stay married? You're not a baby factory. He's not a sperm donor. You're a couple, and you got together because you loved being together.
> 
> ...


Turnera, I have to say... Part of the reason I was angry last week is because even the lure of him being "on a promise" didn't draw him in. That just does not always work with him. I remember when we were in our second year of dating, I thought I'd try and spice things up one evening when we were out having a beer. I told him I wanted to take him home right now and do all manner of things to him. His reply? "But I've just got a beer!"

And I have ALWAYS made sure not to neglect him since we had kids. It has just never happened. He has never been "replaced" by the kids and he agrees with this. 

You are right: I have said to him many times if he doesn't want to spend time together then what's the point? He says we can't just define what we have by how much time we spend together because "we" are more than just that. Yes, but it is a huge part of it. 

I have been working on the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" approach. I am getting into a new hobby which involves me getting out of the house. I was hoping me being a bit more "absent" might draw him a bit more. He texted me from work today to tell me he was meeting with his friend this evening for beer and food. Hmm. He is on a roll this week: since last Friday we'll have spent one evening together on Tuesday. Tomorrow he will be out. Sunday he'll be out. That leaves Saturday: and he's all ready told me he isn't bothered about going out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...he doesn't want to spend time with you, but he jumps at the chance to spend time with others?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well he says it's not at all that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He says we're always together once he comes home. Of course in my eyes this isn't the "quality" time I want. But it fulfils his need. In a companionable way for me I guess.

He isn't always out like this week. I have to say this is more the exception than the rule. Like the other night, we sat together watching TV and chatting. I love hanging out. But our attention isn't on each other exclusively. He wouldn't, say, come over and snuggle up. I wouldn't go and do that: I've been snubbed too many times. He then conversely says I don't say that's what I want. He is right for the most part atm, I did go through a phase of making the effort to articulate this clearly, but when you keep getting turned down, you don't want to keep asking.

Oh and out of interest... He said earlier he would be going out. He didn't: he was joking about. I don't get that at all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> But our attention isn't on each other exclusively.


This is exactly what I'm talking about. 

Turn off the tv. 

Open up a jigsaw puzzle and spend 30 minutes a day on it. Just you and him. Silence if that's comfortable - it's STILL quality time that's focused on you and him.

Go for walks without the kids.

Go through his clothes together and see what to keep and what to replace.

Walk through your house and talk about your plans for it.

Do COUPLE STUFF.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I did go through a phase of making the effort to articulate this clearly, but when you keep getting turned down, you don't want to keep asking.


Oh, and go and get this book: http://www.amazon.com/52-Invitation...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318020233&sr=1-1


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I did go through a phase of making the effort to articulate this clearly, but when you keep getting turned down, you don't want to keep asking.


Oh, and go and get this book: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books to give him a reason to spend time with you. I promise it will be worth it.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> This is exactly what I'm talking about.
> 
> Turn off the tv.
> 
> ...


I have actually tried these things, or variations upon. Yeah he's not interested.

Here is how it tends to go: we get a window of time at the weekend, in the day usually but sometimes a Saturday night, where we can get a sitter and have a couple of hours together to go out. We'll go and eat, go and have a beer sometimes, go for a drive to somewhere nice and go walking. It is great.

Once that time has been had, anything else appears above and beyond him. He says specifically that we should consider ourselves lucky that we have that time with our busy lives and I am never happy with the time we *do* have, I always want more.

It is very hard, if not impossible to get him to switch from TV/chillout time in the evenings he's home. I have tried many approaches: I have been assertive and "told" him we are doing x/y/z, I have offered him a choice, I have asked him would he do a/b/c. IME it is pretty rare if ever he would initiate anything like that himself. Of the times he will participate in something (maybe 1 time out of 10) about 1 in 2 he goes about it in such a way that I feel like I am somehow in his way and call him on it. The only times he really ever intiates any kind of quality time (and I have thought carefully about this so as not to exaggerate) I would say 4 out of 5 times he has done it because he feels guilty from a) me getting upset and pointing out we don't spend much couple time together, or b) realizing he has planned a lot of social activities that I am not invited to like last week.

I have steered away from planning anything sexual. Even this isn't enough. It's crazy because he's a pretty high drive guy. I feel like everything is on his terms.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok then. He married you for convenience. Are you willing to accept that for the next 50 years?

Time to think about what you're really settling for.


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