# Actually forgiving and letting go of the pain



## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

My husband had an affair and we were separated for about a year. He is really working hard to be the best husband any woman could ask for. My problem is forgiving and rebuilding trust. Any advice?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

More info? Did he leave and go to the OW or did you kick him out?


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

I made him leave, but he never lived with her. She was married as well.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

ljedw said:


> I made him leave, but he never lived with her. She was married as well.


Have you tried counseling for yourself not as a couple?


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

I've talked to a minister but not formal marriage counseling because if the expense.


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

He is back in church with me every Sunday and is really trying. I can't seem to let the pain go.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

They say four to five years to get over the worst of the hurt. Can the two of you remain dedicated and chaste that long?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ljedw said:


> I've talked to a minister but not formal marriage counseling because if the expense.


As a lifelong recovering Baptist I can tell you most ministers know nothing about marriage counseling. Many of them have disastrous marriages themselves. 

Get into MC with your husband when you can afford it.


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

We're both dedicated. I just wish I could quit doubting and start trusting again.


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

Also the OW won't let go . She texts him quite frequently and he shows them to me.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

ljedw said:


> Also the OW won't let go . She texts him quite frequently and he shows them to me.


Call your provider and have her number blocked.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> Call your provider and have her number blocked.


:iagree:

Also ask your husband to have his cell phone number changed. If he balks at this, stop "asking" and start demanding. Such a refusal would speak volumes, though...

Is OW's husband aware of the affair and/or her ongoing attempts to reach out to your husband? If not, reach out to him to let him know what's up.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Also ask your husband to have his cell phone number changed. If he balks at this, stop "asking" and start demanding. Such a refusal would speak volumes, though...
> 
> Is OW's husband aware of the affair and/or her ongoing attempts to reach out to your husband? If not, reach out to him to let him know what's up.


If your husband is serious he should have no problem calling this man himself and letting him know she's calling, assuming he even knows about this at all. That should put your WH in a different light with her.

Also, if he does this, it could also go a long way in helping you heal.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By lewd*
> My husband had an affair and we were separated for about a year. He is really working hard to be the best husband any woman could ask for. My problem is forgiving and rebuilding trust. Any advice?
> 
> He is back in church with me every Sunday and is really trying. I can't seem to let the pain go
> ...



The extreme pain is not going to go away in the first year. This kind of sin hurts the spouse all the way to the bone. One thing that you can do is to build yourself up any way that you can. You are a faithful wife and he has no excuse for what he did. DO NOT think that you are somehow at fault for his betrayal! Furthermore, keep being faithful to him and to God and you will get strength.
*You are very worthy, valuable, and loved by God no matter what your husband does*.


You are not going to stop doubting and trusting him any time soon. He has hurt both of you and both will have to pay the consequences. That is why forgiveness is so important because you will have to give him the gift of forgiveness even though he does not deserves it. That is called grace my dear!


In addition, you may have trouble forgiving completely at first, hopefully you can forgive quickly but do not confuse your pain with not forgiving; they are serrate. You can forgive but the pain will remain for a while.

You said that you are both dedicated and that is HUGE! If you both are dedicated to God’s ways and persevere then you will have a GREAT chance at a successful reconciliation and your pain will subside substantially and your trust will come back strong. *Long term ACTIONS will accomplish this.*


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Step 1. Establish no contact between your H and the OW

Step 2. Get MC

If you are committed to trying I am curious if you are receptive to him moving back in , in a separate bedroom to start with... that savings might allow you to afford counseling, and also bridge the gap separation allows for.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Your question is extremely normal, yet, there are obviously no pat answers. I am having much trouble in this area. Failing, really.

As others have stated, MC is very helpful, especially in the early stages. If I step back and look at it, I'd say that YOU are the most important element. If you want to forgive, and overcome, you have a great chance. There are a few couples here that have done that.

Those of us that have trouble forgiving seem to slide off into indifference, and harbor lots of hate and revenge wishes. (toward OM/OW, usually)

Where there's a will....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

does her husband know about it?


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses. We have been reconciled for about a year. That's why I feel frustrated that I still hurt this much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ljedw said:


> Thank you all for your responses. We have been reconciled for about a year. That's why I feel frustrated that I still hurt this much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


???:scratchhead:

If you are living apart you are not reconciled. Sorry but you're not. 

I think you need to let him move back in. You cannot rebuild a marriage living apart. Have him sleep in another room while the two of you learn to live with each other again.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I can forgive but I can not forget.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Thank you all for your responses. We have been reconciled for about a year. That's why I feel frustrated that I still hurt this much.


*Some people have extreme pain for more than one year. I have heard as long as 5 years. My extreeme pain was reduced sugnificantly in the 2nd and 3rd year. I did not have extreme pain for 5 years but maybe some have.*

If both of you are committed and follow up with the right actions I can not imagine that you would have extreme pain for 5 years.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Has her husband been told about that affair. And don't rush it you'll forgive when you forgive and if he can't wait that long then the marriage was over anyway. But I believe her spouses should be told that way she will leave your husband alone more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

*Hang on the OW is still in contact with your wayward husband?!! *

wtf

This will never work - EVER

She needs to be gone dead and buried and preferably her husband and her marriage blown to pieces to make sure she never returns.

And if your wh is still receiving messages any contact from her it's because he's still okay with that, which as you know deep down is totally unacceptable

You are still separated and until there is no OW in ANY way that's how it will remain.

Harsh I know and I'm sorry but somebody has got to give it to you straight, so.......


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

ljedw said:


> Thank you all for your responses. We have been reconciled for about a year. That's why I feel frustrated that I still hurt this much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are not alone, if that helps any....I am equally frustrated with my W on this too, i dont really have any helpful advice just hang in there....but dont be afraid about pulling the plug at one point if you feel you have to, is not fair to spend time of your precious life like this....best luck to you!


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

The quickest and most effective way of ending the pain and reaching forgiveness, of course, is to kick his arse out. No matter how remorseful he is, sometimes it's just not possible to forgive, and depending on the depth of the betrayal, I believe some things are simply unforgivable. It does not necessarily follow that if someone is remorseful, that they should automatically be allowed back into the marriage. It's always your call, no matter how much time passes. Realize the power you have!

Oh and give that OW a call and let her know that if she DARES come near your family again, you will IMMEDIATELY call her husband ... and say it like you flippin' mean it. 

Peace and hugs


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ljedw said:


> I've talked to a minister but not formal marriage counseling because if the expense.


There are some foundations that offer reduced rate or even free counselling for people who can't afford it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

beautiful_day said:


> The quickest and most effective way of ending the pain and reaching forgiveness, of course, is to kick his arse out. No matter how remorseful he is, sometimes it's just not possible to forgive, and depending on the depth of the betrayal, I believe some things are simply unforgivable. It does not necessarily follow that if someone is remorseful, that they should automatically be allowed back into the marriage. It's always your call, no matter how much time passes. Realize the power you have!
> 
> Oh and give that OW a call and let her know that if she DARES come near your family again, you will IMMEDIATELY call her husband ... and say it like you flippin' mean it.
> 
> Peace and hugs


She already did that. Now she wants to know how to move on with her life.


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

How does one rebuild trust, and forgive? Trust is built when your partners’ behaviors are consistent and reliable over time. These are moments, as I like to say,when your partner, “has your back.” Fundamentally, when betrayal occurs the cheating partner turns away from the relationship in a variety of ways. In order for you to heal you will need your partner to turn back towards the relationship and acknowledge, listen to, and validate your pain. This of course will occur over time and may include:
•	Showing you he is there for you
•	Helping you with your problems 
•	Showing kindness
•	Showing awareness of your emotions 
•	Sharing empathy
•	Spending time with you
•	Acknowledging your fears and concerns
•	Giving you reassurance through transparency and openness
•	Responding to you in non –defensive ways
Be patient as you both work your way back. Infidelity happens in good relationships as well as bad ones. It is a myth that betrayal only happens in terrible marriages. Many couples can re-build their relationships. Infidelity is a choice and we can never be responsible for our partners’ choices. In my view, one of the best books to read regarding this topic is; NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley Glass Ph.D.


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## ljedw (Jul 6, 2014)

Let me clear up a couple of things which I should have clarified sooner. We have been living together for about a year now. He has changed his cell number which was his idea. I gave her no option but to accept a transfer and she is now 2 states away. This is against their company's policy so they would both be fired. She is texting him by company phone which we have no control over changing the number. He shows me when she contacts him and I can tell by her texts that she is angry because he will not respond. But we are saving the texts. We don't know if her husband knows and I have no clue how to contact him. I go through weeks and I do well and then it all hits again. Thank you for the responses.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

We had to reconnect emotionally first. That meant no sex for a while and start doing what we did when we were dating.

This helps to build happy memories again and soon all the crap and pain will also be gone.

We also did MC through the church and a paid one. They both helped a lot.

Now I could not sleep with my wife again (she had affair) until we were fully engaged with each other. It was too hard to just sleep in the same bed and not want to touch


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Pepper123 said:


> Step 1. Establish no contact between your H and the OW



To me, this just seems backward.

Why does she have to play marriage police and enfornce somebody else's boundaries? That's his job, and he's failing to do it.

She should enforce her own boundaries and cut him loose if he can't manage something as simple as blocking a phone number.

Actually, him sharing the texts and not bothering to block the number strikes me as some sort of twisted invitation for her to do the pick-me-dance: "See, this other woman still has a thing for me! Aren't I all that? Don't you want me now? You need to try harder".

FTN (**** that noise). This is not real remorse, IMO. A truly remorseful partner would be horrified if this were happening and take care of the problem.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

TimeHeals said:


> Actually, him sharing the texts and not bothering to block the number strikes me as some sort of twisted invitation for her to do the pick-me-dance: "See, this other woman still has a thing for me! Aren't I all that? Don't you want me now? You need to try harder".


The OP has state it is company phone, so he may not have the capability to block the number and may not be able to do so since it is a company phone and contact needs to be maintained (also she has stated that they would both be fired if the company found out, so his options aren't that great other than showing the texts possibly). At least he is showing the messages and is not responding (that she knows of, as it is possible to delete individual parts of a conversation) so that is something to consider in this instance. Maybe he is doing everything that he can in this situation.

I would think it is time for him to start looking for another job. Seems the OW got all the consequences through the transfer, but what has he had in the line of consequences?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> The OP has state it is company phone, so he may not have the capability to block the number and may not be able to do so since it is a company phone and contact needs to be maintained (also she has stated that they would both be fired if the company found out, so his options aren't that great other than showing the texts possibly). At least he is showing the messages and is not responding (that she knows of, as it is possible to delete individual parts of a conversation) so that is something to consider in this instance. Maybe he is doing everything that he can in this situation.
> 
> I would think it is time for him to start looking for another job. Seems the OW got all the consequences through the transfer, but what has he had in the line of consequences?



I missed the part about it being a company phone, but it doesn't change my opinion on the fact that he should be the one fixing this, and that it's not her job. The fact that he isn't fixing it is striking. Just sharing this crap still seems like some sort of an invitation to a pick me dance if it isn't getting fixed.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Can your husband find another job? I know that is not always doable but that could be an option. 

Her husband should not be that difficult to track down. You know her name and roughly where she lives now. You can probably use google to find some information on him. Perhaps a white pages search or some other form of social media. He deserves to know. 

I agree with mc when you can afford if there are no other options for you. 

I have no experience with R but often think it must be more difficult than D in many ways. I have experience with D and that sucked. 

Good luck to you and your h. I wish you both well on your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, I can understand what you are going through. I too struggle everyday. So much that my h is coming to terms with now he is giving up hope. After trying for me to find a way after so long. This is scaring me to be honest. 
l
This is coming at the same time I happen to be starting to read; How can I Forgive You? 
Janis Abrahams Springs

I was no where ready to understand any earlier, as I am a little past 3 year out from my h affair. 

I still cant understand, but this book has help "soften" my view, and if we dont make, at least I then, I will hopefully be learning to forgive. 

~sammy


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ljedw said:


> Let me clear up a couple of things which I should have clarified sooner. We have been living together for about a year now. He has changed his cell number which was his idea. I gave her no option but to accept a transfer and she is now 2 states away. This is against their company's policy so they would both be fired. She is texting him by company phone which we have no control over changing the number. He shows me when she contacts him and I can tell by her texts that she is angry because he will not respond. But we are saving the texts. *We don't know if her husband knows and I have no clue how to contact him.* I go through weeks and I do well and then it all hits again. Thank you for the responses.


Your husband likely has at least a pretty good idea w/ regard to going about contacting OWH. Tell him that you need for him to do this, as it's the only way that OW is going to stop reaching out to him.

And why does he need to carry a company phone? Ask him to turn it back in. He should be able to get away w/ using his personal device for business use, at which point he can a) relegate his current phone number to a "virtual" number for use w/ a service like Google Voice, and then b) take steps to block any and all of her numbers from being able to contact him via any means.

Actually, better question... Why hasn't your husband gotten another job? Until he does, a dark cloud of doubt is going to loom over your attempts at reconciliation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Op, I can understand what you are going through. I too struggle everyday. So much that my h is coming to terms with now he is giving up hope. After trying for me to find a way after so long. This is scaring me to be honest.
> l
> This is coming at the same time I happen to be starting to read; How can I Forgive You?
> Janis Abrahams Springs
> ...


Sammy, did you mention a few weeks ago, that in order for reconciliation to happen, the BS has to reach out in compassion and understanding to the WS? I thought that was you, but I'm not sure.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> I really dont know if a marriage can survive when a third person comes into it. I myself have been struggling over 3 years, and while it's not even the affair anymore, but it's the fallout of the damage to one sense of self, and how it all relates now to the relationship.
> 
> Some people move on quickly, bounce right back, move forward, some stay in limbo, some fight for the marriage, some stay forever in a unhappy marriage, and a small part are happy.
> 
> ...


This is what I was referring to.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Jid, 

And sooo freaking hard... :-(

I ve been struggling over 3 yrs now, and h is starting to giving up all hope. It is frighting me. 

...because I dont want what I have, because I want what I had... 

~sammy


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Jid,
> 
> And sooo freaking hard... :-(
> 
> ~sammy


I am sure it is, sweetheart. (((((sammy3)))))


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## Grneyez94 (Mar 20, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Jid,
> 
> And sooo freaking hard... :-(
> 
> ...


Sammy- my wh has shown signs lately of wanting to give up as well. We are 2 1/2 years into R, since D-day. There are days when I actually can't stand to look at him. There are still come triggers that hit me to the core. Edited to add: He wants to give up because he thinks I am going to forever look at him as a "criminal" and if I can't change the way I look at him, he thinks we should just let go. I agree... if I can't respect him- we should stop trying. I just don't know how long this could take, for the triggers to stop hurting.
I am the same- it makes me angry that what we had is gone... because I thought we had a great marriage. Letting go of that thought is very hard. I know that once I can come to an acceptance that we can make our marriage good again, I will be on the way to real healing. I just don't know that I am there yet. Wishing you the best in your R.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> Call your provider and have her number blocked.


Or better yet ask him to do it. Also ask him to block all avenues of communication they have.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Jid,
> 
> And sooo freaking hard... :-(
> 
> ...


Yes, we all wish more than anything we could turn that clock back to the pre-cheating time. When we were so sure it couldn't happen to us. 

My guess is he's telling you it's been over three years and he won't wait forever for you to leave limbo. So you have a decision to make.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Triggers can pop up decades later. Trust broken is very hard to regain. Some never can get it back. R can fail because the betrayed spouse just can't get beyond it no matter how hard they try. 

R is a very hard road.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Grneyez, I would try to relax if you can about the direction of the marriage. If it does not work out, it does not work out. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Jid,
> 
> And sooo freaking hard... :-(
> 
> ...



Understand. Its a bitter reality to realize that something fine, living, and strong was killed for no good reason.

For the OP, you'll either have to live with grief, or live with the turmoil of severing what you recognize as your life.

Hard to express. No good news.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

ljedw said:


> He is back in church with me every Sunday and is really trying. I can't seem to let the pain go.


You and I are almost in the same boat. My wife had an affair for about a year and a half. (Actually 3..... You can see my other posts on TAM)

My wife seems to be doing all the right things, I am trying to move past it, but forgiving this is very hard. (It has been 2.5 months since d day)

One of my problems is that I keep seeing her with other men in my head. The images keep coming back. I would not wish this on anyone. 

I can tell you that forgiveness is a choice. I don't think I'm fully there yet, but I am working on it......... I think.


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## gmsisko1 (May 25, 2014)

ljedw said:


> We're both dedicated. I just wish I could quit doubting and start trusting again.


You do what you need to do. I don't think I will ever give my wife the same amount of trust she once had. 
I don't things will ever be 100 percent back where they were pre affair.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

It's a very very hard thing to do. My H had an affair when we were four years married, with a 3 year old and a one year old at home. We had been living together for 7, but a lot of things changed with moves, new jobs, my graduation from grad school, kids... etc. When I found out about OW, I was shocked, hurt, scared and devastated. But we did work it out and we stayed together until this last year. After 18 years, and all that work, he decided he found the love of his life in another (much younger) woman, and now we are pushing through with divorce. I have to say that after all this time... you can marginally forgive, but you will never forget. I never trusted again fully, and I feel stupid now that I didn't take more time to prepare myself, and I feel stupid that we didn't do more in the way of counseling and getting help at getting to the root of the issues. Ours is a hard situation too because there was so much travel involved in work. I demanded during the R that he change jobs and be HOME most of the time rather than away. That did happened but only lasted for a few years. Then the job changed again for promotion reasons. We discussed at that time the issues with travel, and I expressed my reservations saying that was exactly how we ended up getting into trouble the first time. He made every assurance it wouldn't happen again and that he was totally committed. But in the end, he strayed anyway. I feel like a fool, and I also second guess myself in how much did I do to drive him to it. I never trusted... so did I create a self-fulfilling prophecy? I never totally forgot, so did I become more reserved and less open? 

No matter what, it's very clear that it takes WORK. And never take anything for granted. Talk and remain open. I will say that the comment before about the man who alway felt like he was being looked at as a criminal is probably true in my case too.... I think I lost respect, and my STBX always felt that, so he started feeling like crap around home. So what was he to do? Now that I'm 50 and really getting divorced this time because spouse strayed and fell in love, part of me is sorry I didn't get divorced the first time this happened. But for the most part, I do NOT regret we stayed together. I actually feel MUCH stronger myself now and know I'll be alright. Back then I was a mother of two little kids and I just couldn't imagine sharing them with a step-mother, and I couldn't imagine raising them in a split family. Now they are mature and independent minded, and I know they will be ok too. So it was worth the effort. I just wish we had put MORE effort into turning it back into a loving relationship. We sort of became partners in a child-raising business and the passion fizzled away. I still mourn the loss of the family unit, but at the same time, I also feel a RELIEF that I'm not going to be worrying about his infidelity anymore. 
It's hard no matter what way you cut it, but it CAN be repaired if you work at it. My brother and his wife went through this, and they have a close relationship now. It worked out ok for them. They are in their 60's and really are closer than ever, and they are secure and happy too. What more can you ask for. But it took work.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> Jid,
> 
> And sooo freaking hard... :-(
> 
> ...


Sammy,

From what I have been reading, it takes 2 - 5 *years* to recover from an affair - and that is with a deeply remorseful spouse who is going above and beyond to help BS heal.

If you are only 3 years from d-day, you may have a ways to go yet.

I hope you, OP, and your respective WS's can hang in there and get to true healing.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Also from my reading, in order for successful R, the WS has to do some deep-digging to root out the "why's" of their affairs. They have to go through all their reasons that they gave themselves permission to trespass boundaries. (e.g. Why did they allow themselves to flirt? Why did they allow themselves to seek out AP?...). And then they have to make necessary changes to their habits, mindset and behaviors so they no longer are prone to temptations of A in the future. 

This can be a painful process that necessitates excavating childhood issues and coping mechanisms. I suspect many WS are not up to the task.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Csquare said:


> Also from my reading, in order for successful R, the WS has to do some deep-digging to root out the "why's" of their affairs. They have to go through all their reasons that they gave themselves permission to trespass boundaries. (e.g. Why did they allow themselves to flirt? Why did they allow themselves to seek out AP?...). And then they have to make necessary changes to their habits, mindset and behaviors so they no longer are prone to temptations of A in the future.
> 
> This can be a painful process that necessitates excavating childhood issues and coping mechanisms. I suspect many WS are not up to the task.


I wish I had this website and answers like this for myself 15 years ago. Even my STBX admits that we should have spent more time with counseling and putting things right. I went to counseling. He went with me only once. I read books over dealing with infidelity, he just found a different job and kept on working like a beast. Only now is he acknowledging the shoulda-woulda-coulda's in a remorseful way. I almost hate it when he does say things like that because a small part of me then wants him to come home and try to make it work for real (again)! Sometimes I think it would be easier if we just hated each other. Then I'd want the divorce done lickety-split.


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