# Don't know if I should...



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Hi,

Just found this site and it's been helpful to read thru posts knowing I might have similar situations.

Been married for 20 years and kids are in HS now. Things haven't been right in our marriage so I suggested marriage counseling. We haven't had sex in about 5 years which I'm OK with it's just how he treats me that sucks.. Nice guy who works hard but can be an ass to me often. We have grown apart and basically just roomies for kids. He doesn't like counseling but I managed to get him there 4 times in a year!! I still go for myself.. But during counseling we discovered he has anxiety so it explains the yelling, anger, no communication, always in a rush, can't relax, a constant worrier, obsessed about money, etc.... He tried low dose medication for sleeping as well as during the day and it was magical. He was pleasant, we had engaging conversations, he would take his time eating and talking with the kids, there was laughter, he was more open to talk walks/movies/dinners.. Marriage was just easy.. BUT then he chose to not take it anymore so he's back to not sleeping and just crabby all the time-complaining..... I'm tired of being lonely in my marriage and he is so hard to live with. I've sent him many emails and articles to read and he just doesn't get it.. I think I'm ready to be on my own but a little nervous.. 20 years with someone is a long time but I'm exhausted living on eggshells. He does well at his job so he says I should just overlook how he is.. Is this true? Shouldn't a marriage be more than how well he does at work? I work part-time so a little worried about health insurance. I did visit a lawyer and she did tell me I would be 'ok' financially but how do I really know that. I haven't been on my own in so long and he is a control freak with the bills so I know nothing... except to pay on time of course..

When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me.. I know for a fact he hasn't cheated because he is either at work, home or kids sporting events. His phone is on the counter and never locked... So I just assumed he is one of those people who doesn't like sex or maybe due to anxiety. He's just not affectionate at all but I am with the kids.. Yes life is short and I should move on but will I regret it??

He knows I visited 2 attorneys but it really hasn't bothered him unless he's playing it cool and pretending he doesn't care which he does do.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

What was your husband's response to your affair?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does he know about the affair?
Why did he stop the medication?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

He never knew.... Doesn't pay attention to any of the signs... I did tell the therapist in private. I don't see him anymore but think about him often.

I think he stopped for the stigma.. The first medication he complained about headaches so Dr changed it... Then he was fine.. great.. Like I said just magical--- marriage was laid back and easy... It was a low dose just so he could relax some. He doesn't drink at all, exercises some.. refuses to do yoga or meditate as suggested so meds are the only way he can relax. Sometimes I feel I should just 'deal' with it and continue on but just not sure.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Leave him


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you don't have much of a marriage anymore. I can understand you wanting to leave.

If you were to move on, about how much a year would you make? Or do you need to get some training/education to earn enough to support yourself and your children?

Do you have access to all the financial information, like your bills? Maybe you could make a list of your bills and their amount. That way you would start to get an idea of what you will needs to earn.

Depending on your state, you might be able to get some alimony to help you until you can get a full time job and/or get more job training/education.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why don't you do the honorable thing and divorce him since you have already did the dishonorable thing and cheated on him. You should have just divorced him in the first place.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> He never knew.... Doesn't pay attention to any of the signs... I did tell the therapist.


Maybe he just trusts his wife.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Hi,
> 
> Just found this site and it's been helpful to read thru posts knowing I might have similar situations.
> 
> ...


Hi @cc48kel

Thanks for your message.

I completely understand how you must be feeling and there is no doubt that his behaviour is exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation. 
Hence, I can completely understand how you would have been led to having an affair. 

Now, very rarely do these sorts of experiences where couples become 'roomies' just happen out of the blue. They are a build up of problems until there is a moment (such as divorce etc) where it all comes to a head. So i'm curious, was there ever a time where you did have true love and passion in your marriage? What were the things that you did regularly during that time? When did it all change?

When it comes to men, a lot of them tend to shut down whenever there are problems. When I say shut down, I mean not wanting to talk about their problems and get to the root of it. Hence, they are always in survival mode which is why there is the constant yelling, obsessing over money etc. He's addressing things at the surface level and unfortunately that will never bring about true healing. 

You are well within your right to feel exhausted and considering divorce. My question though is - have you attempted to meet his needs in a way that he needs it? Not how you think he needs it, but how he actually needs it? This is often the biggest problem in relationships and sadly, lots of couples tend to end things prematurely. 
If you can honestly say that you have, then leaving might be the best option for you because there is nothing positive with having a dead marriage. I know lots of people tend to stick around for the sake of kids, but sadly they forget that the child's role model of love is a poor one and that is actually doing them harm in the long run. 

I hope all that makes sense.

Let me know your answers to the questions above and I will expand further for you. 

Thanks


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am not sure how you can hide such an important thing as an affair. I think you need to be honest and tell him. Its vital not to have suc secrets in marriage. Yes he may end the marriage, he has every right to, it sounds as if that is what you want anyway. 
Have you said that he can save the marriage is he goes back onto the medication?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

We are only hearing one side.
What I hear is he stopped sex, you cheated.
Now you feel you don't love him.
That's what usually happens when a woman cheats--- they fall completely out of love with their husband.

I don't know what tif say, other than once you cheated, he had no chance anymore. The only thing you can likely do is divorce and let him deal with rebuilding his whole life. I suspect it will break him.

You may not think he knows--- he may. Things like this have a way of floating to the top.

It's simple. If you love him, give him a chance. If you don't, leave him.

That's the only chance he has if finding love again.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You don't have a marriage. It's a sham. End it already. Yes, life is short. You should be enjoying life with someone that loves you and desires you. 

Posting here is a good first step. It's what I did 14 months ago. I seperated a few weeks after my first post and haven't looked back. Life is great now that I'm divorced. I'm engaged already and enjoying life to the fullest.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How long did your affair last?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think my ex wife would have described me the same way as you describe your husband OP. 

Take an honest look at why your husband is hurried, worried and pissed off all the time. Is he like that in every aspect of his life or just around you? Do you two frequently argue over who does what and how it should be done? Does he handle the bills because you don't handle money responsibly? Why only work part time if your kids are in high school? My ex always told me I was the problem and had problems, once even convinced me I needed to be on medication. I tried it and hated it, sure I was more relaxed but was also unproductive (which was fine with her) . As for sex it's hard to feel passion for someone when your pissed and resentful toward them, been there done that (but for 5 years? Yikes!) 

My point being maybe it's not so much your husband or you as individuals, it's being together that makes him angry and you hurt and lonely because you two just don't mesh as a couple. It sounds like you both would be happier without the other. I had forgotten what it was like to be relaxed and happy.....until I got divorced.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me..


You state this so casually and excuse it as if it was no more than a night out with the girls going to a movie or something.

"He wouldn't screw me so I had an affair as a learning experience"

Yeah ok. I don't know all that much about you but I can see why your husband isn't interested in being intimate with you.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce


Its really sad that you dont regret cheating and that you haven't been honest or brave enough to tell him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Its really sad that you dont regret cheating and that you haven't been honest or brave enough to tell him.




No, not sad. There are some things worse than cheating. If you have lived them for 5 , 10, 15 years you would understand.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce


What is he angry/stressed about? Is he resentful that he's the breadwinner?

Living with an anxious husband is VERY stressful/damaging to a wife. Added to the fact that he's neglecting you and detached, and unwilling to go to counseling to work on the marriage....Yes, you need to do something here. You've certainly contributed problems to the marriage by being unfaithful, and you'll have to tell him this so he can decide if he wants to work on the marriage or not.

Time to have a talk with him. I'd find a very good marital coach with a successful plan to restore intimacy in marriage. You both have poor communication techniques and need the outside help. I recommend contacting Marriage Builders. They will likely tell you that you need to tell your husband that you are deeply unhappy in the marriage and the two of you need to work together with a coach to fix it. If he's unwilling, you'll have to separate.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being.


Ma'am the problem isn't with you wanting respect and passion.

You are entitled to go and get all of that with any man you choose.

But there's one "minor" detail you seem to be forgetting - you exchanged vows - that's a promise to be faithful to your lifelong committed partner who has done the same for you.

So next time- try to keep up with me on this - 

1- Get divorced
2- Go get passion from another guy

In THAT particular order.

That way you are deserving of the respect you seek, and you don't have to make lame excuses for abhorrent behavior.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> No, not sad. There are some things worse than cheating. If you have lived them for 5 , 10, 15 years you would understand.


I did in the past, for 23 years. If I had cheated I would have deeply deeply regretted it. My husbands first marriage of 23 years wasn't happy, he didn't cheat either.
Adultery is a serious thing and as we can see here, its damaged the marriage still further especially when there are lies and secrecy and deception about the affair.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you care about your H as much as your own honor, integrity and trustworthiness?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stixx said:


> Ma'am the problem isn't with you wanting respect and passion.
> 
> You are entitled to go and get all of that with any man you choose.
> 
> ...


But dude.

She'd have to work FULL TIME!

Can you imagine how absolutely horrible that would be?!?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> But dude.
> 
> She'd have to work FULL TIME!
> 
> Can you imagine how absolutely horrible that would be?!?


She did say she has no problem with working full time now if he would help out, but he is not willing to.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Maybe he just trusts his wife.




Or he doesn't care. 

OP, if your husband won't have sex with you for five years he has already written off the marriage. He stays only for his comfort.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Withhold and get cheated on. Natural consequences of his choices. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

That's exactly right!!! He doesn't care!! He is very comfortable. He didn't even want me to work part-time because he was afraid that it would affect him somehow. I found a job during school hours and at times when I don't have dinner, he gets upset because it revolves around him.. Anxiety is the problem making him bitter and angry. He feels he is the only person who deals with work issues, home repairs, bills to be paid, spending money, etc... He gets angry when I'm not angry with him-- I chose to look at things positively not negative all the time. His worries take over...and really can't help it without medication. Trust me he has nothing to worry about-- great job, home, married with kids, kids are great (very proud of them), money in the bank.. What does he have to worry about?? Certainly not me or the kids.. It's all about everyday things that people have to deal with owning cars a home, etc It's called life..

The affair isn't the issue here not at all... It's shouldn't have happened but it did.. The issue is our marriage.. Being respectful with one another, communication, etc.... And him not wanting to talk with me or counseling tells me he just wants to go back to me being a mom with no opinions.. His parents are old-school and his mom doesn't say much as she allows him to make all decisions.

I know for a fact divorce is scary to him because he will have to split our assets.. quite a bit of $$$ and we have been married a long time. It's scary to me too. I just feel now that he refuses any suggestions I have, that we are hanging on to nothing. I have mentioned divorce before but he doesn't want to believe it. This morning after the kids left I told him that maybe we should try separating first to see how it goes... We could be much better people living apart. Who Knows?? But as usual he ignores me so I doubt that he heard anything I had to say. This is normal that when I want to talk and it's something he doesn't agree with, he shuts down. I could try getting him out to dinner alone but god for bid we spend $$ on a meal-- (aniexty also) But yes worth a try...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What anxiety med and dosage was he taking?

If he takes the meds would you stay?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

BTW, At a really bad time I told my spouse "go to the doctor and get meds or we separate".


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

He tried something in the fall and he complained of headaches and yes I could tell something was off.... I think it was a high dose.. Then the DR tried 25mg of zoloft and it was magical.. The only thing I noticed was more conversations, not as many issues/concerns, there was laughter/grins.. it just felt right!! He wasn't yawning all the time because he was actually sleeping at night!! I felt happier too because it was more relaxing environment.--- I think I did more for the family. I'm sure the kids noticed a positive difference as well.. Then he just stopped and I got really upset because his worries came back... I urged him to continue-- writing emails explaining why.... So he hasn't been back on since. He takes Cholesteral medicine everynight and NEVER forgets but the zoloft was on/off then he just quit all together. I think it was a stigma.. counseling would help but he refuses.

I don't hate him-- he's a good person in generel.. He can't help his behavior/actions. When he gets angry he has never hit me although at times I'm sure he would.. So yes, that's all I want is for our relationship is to go back the way it was. Stress is not good on anybody!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I take 50 mg Zoloft. That also is a very low dosage. 25 mg is barely therapeutic. But if it works, great. 

Taking Zoloft intermittently or just stopping is very bad. It's not like taking aspirin. He needs to take it consistently. 

His stigma issue is unfounded. A strong confident man should not have any issues taking a med to correct a slight imbalance in brain chemistry.

Btw, he CAN help his behaviors and actions. He just doesn't want to do what is needed.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

The one things that's being left out here is the fact that the OP had an affair and apparently that seems to be ok with the OP. He doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him....? So it's ok during the process of addressing the problem, if you don't get the response you're looking for, it's ok just to go out and have affair. I don't know who's actions are worse, the OP or her H. It seems the result will be the same but the OP should tell her H what she did. 

Both have alot of work to do on themselves if they want a successful marriage in the future.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> That's exactly right!!! He doesn't care!! He is very comfortable. He didn't even want me to work part-time because he was afraid that it would affect him somehow. I found a job during school hours and at times when I don't have dinner, he gets upset because it revolves around him.. Anxiety is the problem making him bitter and angry. He feels he is the only person who deals with work issues, home repairs, bills to be paid, spending money, etc... He gets angry when I'm not angry with him-- I chose to look at things positively not negative all the time. His worries take over...and really can't help it without medication. Trust me he has nothing to worry about-- great job, home, married with kids, kids are great (very proud of them), money in the bank.. What does he have to worry about?? Certainly not me or the kids.. It's all about everyday things that people have to deal with owning cars a home, etc It's called life..
> 
> The affair isn't the issue here not at all... It's shouldn't have happened but it did.. The issue is our marriage.. Being respectful with one another, communication, etc.... And him not wanting to talk with me or counseling tells me he just wants to go back to me being a mom with no opinions.. His parents are old-school and his mom doesn't say much as she allows him to make all decisions.
> 
> I know for a fact divorce is scary to him because he will have to split our assets.. quite a bit of $$$ and we have been married a long time. It's scary to me too. I just feel now that he refuses any suggestions I have, that we are hanging on to nothing. I have mentioned divorce before but he doesn't want to believe it. This morning after the kids left I told him that maybe we should try separating first to see how it goes... We could be much better people living apart. Who Knows?? But as usual he ignores me so I doubt that he heard anything I had to say. This is normal that when I want to talk and it's something he doesn't agree with, he shuts down. I could try getting him out to dinner alone but god for bid we spend $$ on a meal-- (aniexty also) But yes worth a try...


So why didn't you divorce him instead of acting like a coward and cheating. Sorry the affair take you out of the good guy status here. Your just as bad as he is and your lack of character in regards to what you have done leads me to think you are not the great wife you present yourself to be. Honestly it sounds like you both belong together because you both treat the marriage and each other with the same disdain. Pull the trigger already.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What will it take to get him to take Zoloft? I don't mean threats. That won't work. 

You should communicate to him that you see him anxious and in pain, that you cannot bare any longer to see him unhappy, and that you think a separation is best for him. 

But he prepared to leave. 

That approach is not controlling. Not a threat. But it is a consequence. 

That might work.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This seems to be a common theme with people who really NEED to be on these types of meds. I never have understood it. I begged my first husband to get on anti depressants, and he refused... that is, until we separated. He started taking them and couldnt believe how much better he felt. He was on them for a couple years, then he stopped taking them and never would go back on them. I have seen this happen with other folks in my life, too. 

I would take it as a sign that he prefers to live with the anxiety, and really doesnt care how it affects your or your kids. You cant MAKE him do anything. I have been exactly where you are, and I got out.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> I take 50 mg Zoloft. That also is a very low dosage. 25 mg is barely therapeutic. But if it works, great.
> 
> Taking Zoloft intermittently or just stopping is very bad. It's not like taking aspirin. He needs to take it consistently.
> 
> ...


The 25 mg was at first, when he went back for a check-up-- she upped it to 50mg.. He then decided he wasn't going to it. Yes, you are right about changing behaviors, it can happen but the person has to want to.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I don't know what it would take for him to take meds or even just do counseling.. Maybe divorce papers, IDK.... I have told him that it's not a threat, it's a fact that our marriage isn't right... But yes, I should prepare myself to do something. And yes, I think he feels comfortable living with this-- it could be 'normal' for him and the zoloft made him too relaxed and not used to it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On the medication:
Sounds like he is happy with who he is. I can respect that.

By taking his meds he "knew" he was losing control of who he is/was and who he is comfortable being. 

You liked the new him. He did not. 

He lost control. The meds tamed the beast. A beast that he apparantly enjoyed.

He is not good for you. You gave your husband an very long test drive. The drive went into beyond the Original Equipment Warranty. You did not buy an extended warranty.

Trade him in, or scrap him out.


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## Dr. Stupid (Dec 8, 2016)

Sounds like your husband is inconsiderate, selfish, and inattentive to your needs. That sucks, especially that he's refusing to do the work to fix himself. It's a tough situation all around. 

Are you going to tell him that you messed around town, because if you're going to work to "fix" him, it would be a crying shame if he recovered, became the man of your dreams, found out that you cheated, and kicked you to the curb. He might not be so apathetic when his chemistry is corrected, you know. 

You might just want to divorce him and get it over with. If you've had sex with him after you slept around, you might want to let him know to get tested for STDs. That would be a fine parting gift, no? 

Oh, and next time, if there is a next time, forgo the wedding vows. They're so old-fashioned.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Have tried all weekend to talk with him... He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.. getting angry and leaves the room. I have no idea what I'm going to do.. I can't just leave, I have kids here at home. What a mess, I was literally shaking when I was getting a consultation a week ago.. And I drept that I was getting married again (i think to him) and I woke up at 3:30 and could not get back to sleep. Maybe I'll try talking with our marriage counselor to see if he can intervene somehow.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop seeking his input. He makes it clear that he isnt interested, so dont expect any effort from him. His blowing you off is your answer. It sounds like you are done anyway, so its just beating a dead horse at this point anyway. Go file for divorce, then tell him you're done.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you have to take the bull by the horns so to speak and do what is right for you and the kids

However, you should come clean about the affair, you think he knows nothing but maybe he does and that is why he shut down, maybe he suspected a long time ago?

You get the divorce papers, come clean and then tell him that unless he decides to get the help he needs, the marriage is over and you are going through with the divorce. 

This might wake him up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> He tried something in the fall and he complained of headaches and yes I could tell something was off.... I think it was a high dose.. Then the DR tried 25mg of zoloft and it was magical.. The only thing I noticed was more conversations, not as many issues/concerns, there was laughter/grins.. it just felt right!! He wasn't yawning all the time because he was actually sleeping at night!! I felt happier too because it was more relaxing environment.--- I think I did more for the family. I'm sure the kids noticed a positive difference as well.. Then he just stopped and I got really upset because his worries came back... I urged him to continue-- writing emails explaining why.... So he hasn't been back on since. He takes Cholesteral medicine everynight and NEVER forgets but the zoloft was on/off then he just quit all together. I think it was a stigma.. counseling would help but he refuses.
> 
> I don't hate him-- he's a good person in generel.. He can't help his behavior/actions. When he gets angry he has never hit me although at times I'm sure he would.. So yes, that's all I want is for our relationship is to go back the way it was. Stress is not good on anybody!


Its so hard to understand why he stopped when he and the rest of the family were so much happier. It may need to be a question of you saying, you take those meds again or I will divorce you. Maybe he just likes being miserable, some people do. :frown2:


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Things have been strange but in a good way... Went to lawyer and told spouse what I did... No biggie to him.. Then I was getting overwhelmed and sad about starting over.. Crying here and there because I knew this was the beginning of the end. One night I couldn't take it so I was crying a bit and told him we needed to separate. Still nothing-- him being angry at whatever. Encouraged to go back to MC but he refused and wanted to try another MC which is his way of running away (we've been thru 2). I then went to my parents for the day and we talked and I hinted what was going on.. On Easter we went to my parents and he wasn't sure he wanted to go which I didn't care either way but told him that he is always welcome at my parents.. I also told him my brother offered a place for kids and I to stay but it's too far away. Anyways, after all that spouse has been REALLY mellow!! WOW He still has some nervous energy but really trying!! I can tell when he wants to raise his voice and gets mad but he doesn't!! This is who I married.... It's like he talked with someone... Or FINALLY realized I was serious. This morning we took a walk which I could tell he was hesitant because he wanted to hurry up and get to work but I know the fresh air is good for us both. And we talked about doing some yard work this weekend in between all this kids activities.. He spends more time upstairs with family instead of the basement watching TV or being on the computer.. He even had a beer 2 nights ago which he never does.. It's more laid back--no arguments--listening more.. Don't know how long it will last but this is all that I asked for... It's a start anyways and makes me want to do better for my family..


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No sex for 5 years? You two will NEVER have sex again. I'll bet my next paycheck. Are you OK with that? You shouldn't be. I'm curious, did you two ever have an adventurous sex life? Go down on each other, sex in the car, sex in random places, etc?

Let me ask you. If you had no kids in this marriage, would you still be married? I doubt. Don't stay married for the kids. You are teaching them this is a normal relationship and don't be surprised they end up in the same misery.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes... the sex part-- I guess I'm missing out..kinda. It's the passion and excitement of being with that person.. A few more years and these kids will be off to college. For right now I'm looking for stability-- I didn't like that feeling of me having to start over with kids. At this point in my life I want peace. Your right, I might not still be married if it weren't for kids and I doubt we will ever have sex again.. As long as there is peace, I'll be fine. Sex isn't everything but it does bring you closer together.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Lots of questions to understand your situation-

How old are you? How old is your husband?

Did you have a good sexlife for the first 15 years of marriage?

Has he ever told you why he does not want sex? Five years is a long time! That is just very strange for any adult especially one who is married and especially a male. 

Did the sexlessness occur gradually or more suddenly? 

Was it him that stopped wanting sex or were you rejecting him often and he quit asking. 

Has he ever had his testosterone level checked? 

Why would you be willing to not have sex for the rest of your life or marriage, whichever one ends first? 

Did the 2 of you discuss the sexless marriage with the MC when you went? 

How long ago was your affair? Before or after he stopped having sex with you? Before or after you and husband went to MC?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Lots of questions to understand your situation-

How old are you? How old is your husband?---- We are both 48.

Did you have a good sexlife for the first 15 years of marriage?---- I thought so-- I dated a bit before I met him... Sex was sex but looking for a good guy who could offer stability too. But now that I think about it-- there was a couple times that he couldn't stay hard which killed the moment and I think that's why he started not wanting it.

Has he ever told you why he does not want sex? Five years is a long time! That is just very strange for any adult especially one who is married and especially a male. ------Yes it was strange.. I thought he was gay but then into porn like his dad. Not an addiction just here and there which is normal. Could be A-sexual. Now I think I understand that anxiety was involved. He is so hyped up that he can't relax to enjoy it.

Did the sexlessness occur gradually or more suddenly?----- Yes gradually.. When the kids were young I did push him away because I was focused on kids and getting my rest.. And yes he was just as tired as I was so it just got to be 'normal' for us.

Was it him that stopped wanting sex or were you rejecting him often and he quit asking.------ Eventually it just stopped.. He stopped wanting it.. And I was 'ok' with it..Who wants to have sex with a guy who is negative and complains all the time like he is now.

Has he ever had his testosterone level checked?----No... He just likes to get in and get out with the basics from the DR--never brings up issues.. I can't get him in for a sleep study which would say a lot and the psch eval was very difficult but that's when we discovered 'Anxiety' which he refuses the low dose meds. 

Why would you be willing to not have sex for the rest of your life or marriage, whichever one ends first? -----I guess I'm weak.. Not willing to go thru misery to get out. I do think about having a relationship with someone who is kind, caring, giving.. Someone who enjoys conversations. Someone who wants better for me. 

Did the 2 of you discuss the sexless marriage with the MC when you went? ----- Umm it might've been brought up but I think I pushed it to the side because I was more concerned with the negativity, arguments, yelling, etc.. MC did stress that intimacy was needed in relationship and if things don't change divorce would likely happen. 

How long ago was your affair? Before or after he stopped having sex with you? Before or after you and husband went to MC?------ It's going on 6 years since the affair.. It was after everything stopped with spouse and before we saw MC.... The affair was not about sex it was being with a kind person who liked me for me and our conversations were the best!! That's what I needed. Yes good sex comes with great chemistry-- kissing and all that jives together.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Crying here and there because I knew this was the beginning of the end. One night I couldn't take it so I was crying a bit and told him we needed to separate.


THIS can't work unless you ARE serious. 



cc48kel said:


> (he) FINALLY realized I was serious.



The promising part? He came to these conclusions on his own and didn't make some big announcement that he was going to be a better man. He just started being one. I don't know how you two keep it up. One slip-up on his part will send you WAY back. But it's a good start.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like there are a number of issues that need to be considered.

Your husband is an anxious man - I personally have seen how debilitating anxiety can be in general but especially in combination with other problems. In his mind he probably is trying to provide for a family while remaining in control of everything and not being exposed for any weaknesses ("stigma of taking medications").

Add to this erectile dysfunction and you have got a recipe for disaster - he probably sees sex as his biggest weakness exposure hence the appearance of not caring and no sex for 5 years. Deep down I would bet that he cares very much - just doesn't show it.

He (in your words) is otherwise a very good father and person. He is crippled by his anxiety shame and desperately needs help but will not get it for those very reasons. That is your challenge.


Now you say the affair isn't the issue here - I beg to differ. It is a very important issue here because it defines you! While your husband is anxious and withdrawn, you on the other hand are a liar and a cheat! Probably one of the worst types of people your husband should be with. You certainly have done a good job of justifying your affair and blaming everything on your husband. I understand that you are suffering from loneliness and no sex but then you should have divorced him. You didn't because of $$$ etc not because of the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows. So both of you need serious help. Him with his anxiety and you with your very serious character flaws.

I would divorce him and be fair in the $$$ split so that you can go on to be happy and so can he! The threat of divorce may force him into action to get help but even then, I suggest going through with the divorce. You two are very mismatched. You married him for stability even though you were concerned early on that he couldn't keep it hard.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

e.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Like so many here you characterize cheating as the worst possible offense. It's not.
> 
> OP, you live with an abusive man. The yelling, the anger, the control. Know that he chooses to be this way. Again, he chooses to be this way. He doesn't give a **** about the impact on you otherwise he would fix it.
> 
> ...



You are delusional if you take cheating lightly - and for starters you really have come to the wrong forum for that.

Whoopi doo - you are a "strong man" because Zooloft does it for you etc. Good for you. I don't think your anxiety can be compared to what he is going through. You cannot know what he is going through.

He certainly does not sound like an abusive man - he is a man who is not well and needs help. OP on the other hand has abused him in the worst possible way - she fvcked another man and didn't have the courage, decency or even moral fibre to tell him about it. Because there was a lot of "$$$" involved. She admitted that she married him because he seemed to be stable in the earnings department even though he couldn't get it up a couple of times. Then when he became withdrawn, she decided that she wanted to "see if it was her problem" so she went and road tested another man. Turns out it wasn't her. Really ?!?!?!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

t.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Thanks for your comments but my post was directed towards helping the OP, so personal attacks are unwarranted.
> 
> One position OP's husband can take is that taking meds is a sign of strength not weakness. No need to ridicule that position. I have used that argument to help other men get past the "stigma" so it works.
> 
> ...


This was not a personal attack. And I never said taking meds is a sign of weakness and did not ridicule that position. I said that her husband perceives it to be which is part of the problem. Still maintain that you cannot really know what he is going through - because he is not here to tell you and you are not him.

Finally ensuring that the OP sees herself as she is rather than how she would like to be seen is probably one of the most helpful things one can do for her. She needs to understand what she has done and how "unhelpful" it is. Or lets just call it tough love.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I appreciate all the comments. No need to be mean to me or to others-- a liar and a cheat are very harsh!! Our situation is odd and I realize I will have to gather the courage to file. Even if he was willing to take something for his anxiety--who knows if it would take all the resentment away. We have a huge mountain to climb and he doesn't realize climbing boots are needed. I think he is comfortable coasting along. But why?? Easier than to admit faults...

I dated a bit before him... We dated each other for 2 years BEFORE marriage-- communication and sex seemed to be good.. We did take a few trips which he acted weird but I ignored it.. Now I know it might've been anxiety. We married, bought a house and started having kids.. That's when problems with sex happened NOT when we were dating! 

I appreciate all the suggestions/advice/comments. I do read them and scan the forum to read other topics. I know I'm not the only one with a screwed up marriage. Divorce is hard and some have a tough time with it.. I might be one of those people. My parents raised me to be independent and sent me to college. But for some reason I'm a little nervous to be totally on my own.


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