# Getting Remarried



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Hey all

Well, I'm happily well into my D process now (my other thread is Civil Partnership down the swannie, but was slightly blindsided by STBXH the other night when he came round to collect his suit for a funeral next week.

He's talking openly about getting remarried to OM as soon my (I say mine because I was one to have the courage to pull the D trigger!) Divorce is finalised!

In simple UK terms, and because I want it over quickly will be early September. But to me, running straight into another marriage appears to be desperately well desperate!

Whilst I'm starting a new relationship, marriage doesn't even appear on my radar- rather have a good solid relationship with NM.

But my question is, did this happen to any of us- the ex literally panting to go running off up the aisle? To me it just seems weird- maybe it's because I'm still healing from the events of the last few months and enjoying both my single and seeing someone new life?


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I was divorced on Dec 6, 2012, my ex was remarried on Dec 20, 2012.

He has been married as long as he has been divorced. He was engaged to her only after 3 months of meeting her. 

Of course he could have known her longer than those 3 months, I will never know. He was starting to have inappropriate boundaries with females again and since there was already past infidelity I left. Wasn't going down that road again. The girl I thought he was having an EA with is NOT the girl he ended up marrying. 

But yes, jumping into a marriage right after getting out of one is just crazy. He obviously has some serious issues to feel the need to commit so seriously to someone so fast. Insecure and scared to be alone. Thats all I chalk it up to.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

philglossop said:


> But my question is, did this happen to any of us- the ex literally panting to go running off up the aisle?


It happens quite often when the spouse has already been having an affair with that person. It also happens a lot with co-dependent types. 

I am with you guys. My mentality is, no freakin way. 

But hey, some people like to leave divorce court with a gas tank full of kerosene and lit burning matches before driving away on the highway.

Muahaahaahaha. :rofl:


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Seeing as how I'm obsessed with Cluster B PDs, I'd also like to add that it is common for Cluster B's to highly sensationalize relationships.

This kind of escalation is necessary to "get their hooks in." It's quite a wonderful feeling for the other person (usually codependent as JB said). Of course everyone else looking from the outside in sees it for what it is: unhealthy behavior.

My ex did it to me, we were married within a year of meeting. She did it to her affair partner, "She had never met anyone like him!" and she was talking about getting married after talking to him for about a month. Then she started seeing this new guy in February, they are already talking about marriage "I never knew a relationship could be like this!" She told her friend.

The world is full of soulmates for some LOL.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hmmm, that is really interesting, COguy - about the Cluster B PDs...

My ex pushed and pushed and pushed trying to get me to marry him. Well he talked about marriage with me less than 6 months into the relationship. I too was like no one he had ever met....*rolls eyes*. 

It freaked me out back then and I should have really saw it as a red flag. I do remember saying "Are you crazy? We barely know each other!" Too bad I had low self esteem at the time which brought with it co-dependent behaviors. 

Live and learn I guess.


----------



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I must admit I'd never heard of Cluster B's, so looked it up.

Wow- this answers so many questions and explains a lot over the last 11 years of my so called marriage!!

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive pattern of attention-seeking behavior and excessive emotions
Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy

I've lived with both of these via STBXH- and thrown in a mix of control.:rofl:

Of course it helps that the OM clearly has cripping low self esteem so running off up the aisle is going to sort all that out.

What also makes me laugh, was STBXH's general shock after he "told" me I'd get married again, to which I said honestly "Been there, done that won't make that mistake again!". Of course if the time and the person is correct and I do fall deeply in love again, I may consider it, but not a whim and certainly not in the next few years!!


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well if you did marry someone with Cluster B tendencies, then you need help too. Only someone with major codependency issues would allow themselves in that type of a relationship (don't worry, you're in good company).

Go get some counselling and check out coda.org and try to get to a meeting near you. If you don't address this issue of your personality you are bound to make a similar mistake in the future.


----------



## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank COguy!

The reallty odd thing is I've spent most of my "civil partnership/marriage" in counselling, but nobody has been able to get to the bottom of it- basically there has to be reason for the depression I've been in for some 8 years. 

Some 2 weeks after my ILYBINILWU speech I saw my normal GP, who looked at me and said "I think we now see the reason for the depression don't we Phil?" 

Honestly it was a true light bulb moment. It was the moment that the last 8 years suddenly made so much sense. OK, so I didn't and haven't been to counselling this time in the professional sense and have made mistakes with regards to the STBXH, but having virtually lived with counselling for 8 years, but this was the moment I had to take the decisions, make the moves, man up. 

Yes I've read the books on codependency and I now see the signs. Luckily I've got my notes from most of my counselling over the years, so can relate events from 2006 onwards to the notes in the book.

Perhaps (and I'm being presumptuous Coguy- assuming you are in the US)- us Brit's tackle things very differently? I know Counselling is seen as either a very last resort or as a GP referral. Certainly to most people I know don't look at counselling as a norm.

Could be the Brit "Stiff upper lip"?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

No idea. My take on modern life is we're so shut off from other people counselor's are most people's only outlet to really talk about stuff.

I can't say if your wife is the cause of your depression, but I can tell you that I had NO idea how bad off I was emotionally until I got out of my marriage. It was like a million pounds of stress was lifted off me, birds started chirping again and I was loving life all over. If you're being emotionally abused, you can't understand the effect it has on you until you're out of the situation for a few weeks.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

See, this is why the idea of communal living is so appealing to me. That people all share so much with each other. A built-in network for emotional support among other things.

My ex was in a relationship and engaged fairly quickly after our separation - we weren't even divorced yet. He called himself a "relationship oriented person" - I realize how he required external validation that a spouse brings. He needs someone admiring him and being emotionally supportive due to NPD. He pressed for our living together and marriage right after his divorce from his first wife. 

Some people can't be on their own and that's pretty unhealthy. I have, apparently, perfected this as I've been single for almost 10 years now!  But I'd rather be single than unhappy. As I sat down just after moving into my own place, boxes all around, I felt SO GOOD. It was so peaceful! 

Take some time for you and don't worry too much about him. He isn't in a healthy place to be moving on so quickly.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> The world is full of soulmates for some LOL.


Hole mates


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hole mates


Wh*re mats


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

COguy said:


> Well if you did marry someone with Cluster B tendencies, then you need help too. Only someone with major codependency issues would allow themselves in that type of a relationship (don't worry, you're in good company).
> 
> Go get some counselling and check out coda.org and try to get to a meeting near you. If you don't address this issue of your personality you are bound to make a similar mistake in the future.


Hmmm I've never seen myself as having co-dependency issues although I was co-dependent in my marriage. Not sure when that started to happen or if it was always there. I do know he pursued me at a time in my life when I had no confidence in myself as a person. 

Can I be non co-dependent as a single person and co-dependent in a relationship? Wouldn't I see other co-dependent traits in my other relationships such as friends, family, etc?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Hmmm I've never seen myself as having co-dependency issues although I was co-dependent in my marriage. Not sure when that started to happen or if it was always there. I do know he pursued me at a time in my life when I had no confidence in myself as a person.
> 
> Can I be non co-dependent as a single person and co-dependent in a relationship? Wouldn't I see other co-dependent traits in my other relationships such as friends, family, etc?


I struggled with that question. Then in like day 4 after moving back in with my parents during the split, I had my answer.

Dad came in, mentioned how he didn't like the way I used the trash can, and I immediately said to myself, "Just let it go, don't make a big deal about it."

And then the lightbulb went off, I'd been conditioned my whole childhood to make the peace and not assert my feelings. It never really came out in my friendships, but seemed to be a theme in my relationships.

Now that I'm more aware of it, I definitely see how it comes out naturally when I date. It's allowed me to work on it though, I force myself to speak up when something is bothering me, and I had to force myself to not feel guilty about doing things that I wanted to do. It's becoming a little more natural now and I think it makes me a much better partner.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I never did it with family so I'm not sure where it came from. I'm sort of a people pleaser by nature which is great in my business - I'm all about customer service. But NOT good in relationships. I didn't have issues with boyfriends prior to ExH. But I have seen it in a friendship with a more domineering friend and I've had to press myself to speak up. But I do.

But I get genuine pleasure out of doing things for others so it's healthy in some ways. I like volunteering when I have time, I like doing nice things for the people in my lives. I would love to do nice things for an SO who doesn't take them for granted.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

COGUY---totally right. I found myself married to a Cluster B. It's been almost three years of mentorship and therapy to address my codependency issues. Finally, I feel like I'm there. I still have to fight little things in my new relationship, though. I will literally catch myself before I act. Takes a while to undo those patterns.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My all time favorite (sent from OM to my now wife). We are sole mates! Lol


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> My all time favorite (sent from OM to my now wife). We are sole mates! Lol


They wear the same size shoes?


----------

