# Libido Imbalance for All Genders



## Maxtro (Apr 26, 2017)

Hello All. In my research of lack of sex in marriage I’ve become very interested in the topic, specifically in demographics not of my own. To clarify, I am a straight male married to a straight female. I have the higher sex drive and she has the lower. I’d like to get opinions from people in each demographic if possible. We’ve all heard about and/or experienced the issue of one person in a marriage wanting sex less than the other. In my own experience (in my marriage and every relationship prior, I was never the one who wanted it less), it seems that the person with the lower sex drive is the one who controls the sex. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this for the following demographics...

Male-Female couple (Male wants less)
Male-Female couple (Female wants less)
Male-Male couple
Female-Female couple
Transgender-Male couple
Transgender-Female couple
Transgender-Transgender couple

I apologize if I have misused any terms or have come across as insensitive. This is not my intent. I believe firmly that everyone is ENTITLED to seek out and receive, if concensual, sexual pleasure and a relationship type of their choosing from WHOEVER fits their criteria to provide it. I also realize there are many more relationship combinations not listed. I apologize if I have left out your relationship type, please don’t let that keep you from responding.

Looking forward to feedback. Thank you in advance.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Male-Female couple (Female wants less)

Yes, she controls the amount of sex. She never initiates. I need to initiate and usually face rejection. Not a happy life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’ve been the higher drive partner in all of my relationships except 2. In those 2 we were matched very well on frequency desire. In my other relationships where I had the higher drive, it wasn’t usually an issue. I just learned to expect less frequency and I was fine after that.

However, if any relationship had turned sexless or even just infrequent, I’d be out. No relationship is worth it without sex.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I was the one with the higher drive (female) in my previous marriage. I would have liked multiple times a week, and for the last half of our marriage we averaged a couple or so times a year....none the last 3 years.

Which is a big part of why he is an ex.

My current husband and I are every-day partakers


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Male-Female couple (Female wants less). Officially a sexless marriage...less than 10x a year.

Considering outsourcing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Maxtro said:


> it seems that the person with the lower sex drive is the one who controls the sex.


Here is a hypothetical scenario for you:

Person A) Likes to have sex once a week. This person desires elaborate session including going out for a romantic date, extended foreplay, intense intercourse, with prolonged aftercare. The whole event lasts for about eight hours.

Person B) Wants to have sex daily. This person desires about a quick ten-minute-and-right-to-the-point interlude prior to going to sleep each night.

Which person has a lower drive? Person A) because the daily frequency for intercourse is much lower OR person B) because the cumulative weekly time desired for intimacy is less than half that of person A). 

Who is in control? Person A) sees person B) refusing to take interest in to do something sexually elaborate and for an extended period of time therefore having all the control over the amount of time sex will last. Person B) sees person A) saying no to sex six out of seven days of the week therefor having all the control over when the couple can have sex. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You cannot measure desire. Every relationship is different.

*Husband A; * Doesnt achieve any type of progression at work and is happy at entry level jobs. Comes home to drink beer and sit infront of sports on the televison all night. 

*Husband B;* Achieves progression at work, challenges himself. Comes home to deal with the house/family, stays healthy, etc...



Would you be surprised if Wife A and Wife B have different desires to have sex? Would you be even more surprised if Wife A wants more sex from her husband than Wife B?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Here is a hypothetical scenario for you:
> 
> Person A) Likes to have sex once a week. This person desires elaborate session including going out for a romantic date, extended foreplay, intense intercourse, with prolonged aftercare. The whole event lasts for about eight hours.
> 
> ...


I could see the romantic date lasting about 3-4 hours and the extended foreplay/intercourse/cuddling/afterglow maybe 1-1.1/2 hrs. 8 hours sounds way beyond your point.

The answer is person 'A' has the lower drive, because romance is (and should be) related to sex, but is not sex. This thread is addressed to sex, not primarily romance(at least as I understand it). Person 'A' wants sex 1/7th as much as person 'B'. 

BTW, the person 'B' you describe is probably intentionally at the other end of the spectrum and wants ten minute sex. Ugh!

These two need to come together and compromise, meaning person 'A' needs to forego the long romantic dates every time but expect much more romance (flirting/foreplay/sex/cuddling) from
person 'B' while at the same time trying 2-3 times a week, and person 'B' need to get into their thick skull that marital sex is lovemaking, not cave man quickie, and step up to the plate.

otherwise? it just ain't gonna work.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In my first marriage, it was Male-Female couple (Female wants less). It got so frustrating (less than 10x a year) that I divorced her, which was a great decision. This time, we are very closely matched for frequency (daily) and range of things we like to do.

IMO, libido imbalance isn't necessarily a problem, if you can find a happy compromise. If you are not compatible with what you enjoy, or with what it takes in terms of time and effort to enjoy sex, then I think you should recognize that and move on even if the frequency is sufficient.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Male -female marriage. 
From the onset we spent a lot of time trying to understand each other. We created a booklet we called our marriage manifesto and in it we logged our each other's views on any topic we could think of. When we went for pre-marital counselling, we took our booklet with us and the pastor and his wife were amazed that we were doing it. That was 2002. A quick look in the booklet on sex says we agreed that sex between us should always be on demand. If one of wants it, we have it. 

Fast forward to 2018, and look back at history. Yes sometime the rule was broken but broken by either. But generally we have kept our rule. It has been re-discussed many times and some demands talked about, for example we used to have sex in the night, sometimes more than once, but we have agreed to NOT wake each other up so often. Still sometimes have middle-of night sex over weekends but its lower. 

There was also a time when my husband was upset that I never initiated sex. We discussed it and agreed that Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, if I initiated it we would have it and he was not allowed to initiate it on those days. Monday Wednesday and Friday, if he initiated it we would have it. I was not allowed to initiate. Saturday was whoever as we have always had it on Saturday morning no matter what. We still do. The day allocation did not last long as the point of it was easy to understand, which was that it is nice for each to know that the other wants sex as well. 

We also have an agreement to report any issues as soon as they become issues and to try to solve them in one sitting which must not be in the bedroom. The bedroom is only for closeness. We are also not allowed to mix our bodily needs with our intellectual needs. If he comes to bed, and I want some intimacy, it does not matter that he does not see eye to eye with me on some issue. The two are not related and one should not be used to try to solve the other. 

We do not have sex as frequent as in 2002 but we do have sex and we both believe it cures a lot of diseases. It is a rather nice medicine.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> I could see the romantic date lasting about 3-4 hours and the extended foreplay/intercourse/cuddling/afterglow maybe 1-1.1/2 hrs. 8 hours sounds way beyond your point.
> 
> The answer is person 'A' has the lower drive, because romance is (and should be) related to sex, but is not sex. This thread is addressed to sex, not primarily romance(at least as I understand it). Person 'A' wants sex 1/7th as much as person 'B'.
> 
> ...


Exactly!

I created a hypothetical situation to illustrate that a person's libido can have more dynamics that simply being high or low. The first step is to begin to appreciate as a couple that each person works differently and has different needs. Both have to being willing to accept the other person as they are and find compromises. 

Too often couples encounter a problem and assume there is something "wrong" with the other person's behavior. Then there is reading and research to determine exactly what it is that is wrong with the other person and to try and learn what is needed to correct this problem, such as low hormones, anxiety, depression, so on and so on. This essentially becomes an exercise in refusing to love or accept your partner for who they actually are. Things go downhill and become locked in an emotionally toxic spiral that will end the relationship. 

Badsanta


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Here is a hypothetical scenario for you:
> 
> Person A) Likes to have sex once a week. This person desires elaborate session including going out for a romantic date, extended foreplay, intense intercourse, with prolonged aftercare. The whole event lasts for about eight hours.
> 
> ...


Why not have both.Have sex every night (or morning) and also have date nights once a week,pulling out all the stops as required.
In my situation I have to be in my home office by three am but I’m finished by five.My fiancée is up by then and we have a workout together and then we go back to bed and have another workout.
Thursday night is date night and we go out to dinner, then either go on to a nightclub or a live music venue.
Then home for another workout.
I love my life😋


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Why not have both.Have sex every night (or morning) and also have date nights once a week.


This only works if the husband is a used car salesman and the financing gets creative on the new bedroom furniture that is thrown in to just make the deal super awesome! 



Badsanta


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> This only works if the husband is a used car salesman and the financing gets creative on the new bedroom furniture that is thrown in to just make the deal super awesome!
> 
> 
> 
> Badsanta


Are you another one of SunCmars creations?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> Male -female marriage.
> From the onset we spent a lot of time trying to understand each other. We created a booklet we called our marriage manifesto and in it we logged our each other's views on any topic we could think of. When we went for pre-marital counselling, we took our booklet with us and the pastor and his wife were amazed that we were doing it. That was 2002. A quick look in the booklet on sex says we agreed that sex between us should always be on demand. If one of wants it, we have it.
> 
> Fast forward to 2018, and look back at history. Yes sometime the rule was broken but broken by either. But generally we have kept our rule. It has been re-discussed many times and some demands talked about, for example we used to have sex in the night, sometimes more than once, but we have agreed to NOT wake each other up so often. Still sometimes have middle-of night sex over weekends but its lower.
> ...


That is a very interesting read. Thank you for sharing.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I think one fallacy of this questionis to assume libios are static, and not connected to the situation or partner.

For the most part, I am high drive, looking back, in most of my relationships I have desired sex at a greater frequency or quantity than my partner.

But it is somewhat fluid. I have gone through stages where my desire has wained, and others where it has been off the charts.

Recative desire is a huge thing for me, and if I feel he wants me, if he shows me he wants me, I will be way more horny and intiate more often - if I see guys leering at me... My libido kicks up a notch. If I feel invisible, my libido dimishes.

Type of sex matters to, daily quickies never intrigued me much. Bi weekly screaming, waking the neighbors, hours long sex a thon? Oh yeah, that the kind of thing that will keep my libido revved up.

I need a horny dude to be a super horny gal. If he ain't feeling it, neither am I.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Maxtro said:


> Hello All. In my research of lack of sex in marriage I’ve become very interested in the topic, specifically in demographics not of my own.


 @Maxtro now that I have re-read your other threads and better understand where this question is coming from... It is fair to say that your situation with being in a sexless marriage needs to be better understood and addressed. A natural part of wanting to understand is looking to others for feedback and models for comparison to that of your own, but for the most part is problematic particularly when looking for patterns among genders.

It is understood by behavioral science that male sexuality is easier to understand because of the nature of an erection being an unavoidably obvious sign of arousal. Meanwhile women when aroused do not have an equivalent signal. This makes things in the environment that result in male arousal very easy to correlate. Women however have a more difficult time making this correlation and therefor can be unreliable when it comes to knowing exactly what is needed to create/stimulate arousal. A good analogy is that men grow up with a very clear roadmap for understanding their own sexual pleasure. This male roadmap is so well understood that it historically has been used to try and understand and diagnose problems with female arousal. It would be many years before science would finally arrive at the conclusion that female arousal is different than that of male arousal and that the male model of sexual pleasure and understanding should not be correlated to female sexuality when trying to diagnose a marital problem. 

Take an example of a wife that claims to have zero libido or any desire for sex. It would be better to say that she is claiming that her sexuality does not correlate to the aspects of her husband's sexuality that are easily observable. She does not have an erection that easily cues her as to when she is sexually receptive, so opportunities for that may very well go unnoticed by her. Combine that with low self esteem of thinking she is undesirable, and you have an almost impossible problem to solve! Odds are her sexuality and libido are perfectly healthy, but just challenging for her to confidently explore and observe. Because you are likely so confident with your own libido, this may only add to the frustration when her sexuality is explored as a couple. 

If you want to work on improving your situation you need to work on her self confidence. Both of you need to accept that her sexuality may be very different than yours and that in most cases that is perfectly normal. Expectations for sexual pleasure and performance need to be eliminated and replaced with attempts to simply make an intimate connection with one another that is comforting and meaningful. For example if the idea of sex has become awkward, start with back rubs or helping to wash each other's hair in the shower. Your wife needs to observe you aroused but in control of yourself enough to not have any expectations for sex. At that point you will find yourself in a place to build her confidence to reconnect again sexually. 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Maxtro said:


> Hello All. In my research of lack of sex in marriage I’ve become very interested in the topic, specifically in demographics not of my own. To clarify, I am a straight male married to a straight female. I have the higher sex drive and she has the lower. I’d like to get opinions from people in each demographic if possible. We’ve all heard about and/or experienced the issue of one person in a marriage wanting sex less than the other. In my own experience (in my marriage and every relationship prior, I was never the one who wanted it less), it seems that the person with the lower sex drive is the one who controls the sex. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this for the following demographics...
> 
> Male-Female couple (Male wants less)
> Male-Female couple (Female wants less)
> ...


What's the question(s) for which you are seeking input?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @Maxtro now that I have re-read your other threads and better understand where this question is coming from... It is fair to say that your situation with being in a sexless marriage needs to be better understood and addressed. A natural part of wanting to understand is looking to others for feedback and models for comparison to that of your own, but for the most part is problematic particularly when looking for patterns among genders.
> 
> It is understood by behavioral science that male sexuality is easier to understand because of the nature of an erection being an unavoidably obvious sign of arousal. Meanwhile women when aroused do not have an equivalent signal. This makes things in the environment that result in male arousal very easy to correlate. Women however have a more difficult time making this correlation and therefor can be unreliable when it comes to knowing exactly what is needed to create/stimulate arousal. A good analogy is that men grow up with a very clear roadmap for understanding their own sexual pleasure. This male roadmap is so well understood that it historically has been used to try and understand and diagnose problems with female arousal. It would be many years before science would finally arrive at the conclusion that female arousal is different than that of male arousal and that the male model of sexual pleasure and understanding should not be correlated to female sexuality when trying to diagnose a marital problem.
> 
> ...


I've been looking all over my house for signs of illicit bugging - you have practically word-for-word said what I just said in a discussion with my husband recently. Will you please post this in bright lettering on multiple billboards?


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

Male-Female The first 12 years, female was much less. The last three years, we are pretty equal.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

happiness27 said:


> I've been looking all over my house for signs of illicit bugging - you have practically word-for-word said what I just said in a discussion with my husband recently. Will you please post this in bright lettering on multiple billboards?


In the event your situation is similar to that of my marriage... as a husband I would get very frustrated that my wife refused to just tell me what she liked and did not like during intimacy. Then I would get even more frustrated when I would ask her to spend some time at least thinking about it and she would never give me any useful feedback. I felt as if she was not even trying. Meanwhile I knew exactly what I liked and could convey that very clearly to her. ...inevitably we would end up in an argument fueled by my wife's lack of self confidence and her feeling inadequate to please me because she could not understand her own desire. My self confidence also was destroyed thinking I did not know always know how to please my wife and that she did not even care to work with me on improving that. 

...fast forward through many years of struggles...

I eventually learned that it was not so much about "what" I would try to do to to please my wife for improving our connection during intimacy, but for her it was actually much more about "when" was the right opportunity for me to pursue her intimately. Some days are good days and others are not. I now know how to tell the difference between the two (for the most part). In particular she needs to know I'll respect her personal space on a tough day and not be needy for attention. Instead I now wait for the right moment so she can feel me motivated to be with her when we do find just the right moment! 

Easier said than done, and it is still a work in progress for me... 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Male/female couple. Similar. 

I think that if both compromise then it needn't be the lower drive spouse who controls the frequency. Each needs to think of the other and find a way that is good for both.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We were always well matched until menopause. When the hormones left the building they took her drive.



badsanta said:


> but for her it was actually much more about "when" was the right opportunity for me to pursue her intimately. Some days are good days and others are not. I now know how to tell the difference between the two (for the most part). In particular she needs to know I'll respect her personal space on a tough day and not be needy for attention.


That's us now too, plus she has said to me is she wants/needs to know in advance. That used to bother me but from TAM I've learned it's not totally uncommon. 

And if she's just not feeling it she won't say no to some "naked time". Basically foreplay with no expectations of sex but a willingness to see where it leads. Often she'll get going and it will lead somewhere, and if not I'll finish myself off on her boobs.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Male/Female....My wife wants sex everyday if not several times a day I'm good for once a week. So she by far has the higher sex drive.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Male-female. My wife has the stronger sex drive, it averages out to about one encounter every three months. 

Personally, if we never had sex again it wouldn't bother me. It's an hour of strenuous activity followed by five seconds of pleasure. However, she seems determined when she is indeed in the mood, so I guess I can "take one for the team".


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

male-female, my drive has been up and down due to pregnancies and babies. When we first started having sex I wanted it daily whereas he wanted it every other day on average. That was fine with me and we did that for years. After kids it was down to maybe once a week for a while which was also fine with me because of exhaustion, and my drive just went down. It wasn't enough for him though so we started again maybe several times a week on average, starting probably several years ago. I don't mind giving him more sex than I am in the mood for because I still like sex a lot, even if I wasn't turned on at that moment right before we started. Plus he is easier to get along with when he gets enough, and I feel more emotionally connected to him when we have it more frequently.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Randy Lafever said:


> Male-female. My wife has the stronger sex drive, it averages out to about one encounter every three months.
> 
> Personally, if we never had sex again it wouldn't bother me. It's an hour of strenuous activity followed by five seconds of pleasure. However, she seems determined when she is indeed in the mood, so I guess I can "take one for the team".


You're obviously not doing the "strenuous activity" part right. Done right, it's so much fun you don't even realize you're expending effort.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You're obviously not doing the "strenuous activity" part right. Done right, it's so much fun you don't even realize you're expending effort.


Example?

EDIT: Though I will say receiving oral sex when I was younger was fairly enjoyable because I didn't have to do anything but concentrate.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Randy Lafever said:


> Example?
> 
> EDIT: Though I will say receiving oral sex when I was younger was fairly enjoyable because I didn't have to do anything but concentrate.


No specific examples. Whatever it is you're doing for that hour leading up to the 10 seconds of fun.... that should be fun as well.

I don't specifically aim for, or even look forward to my orgasm... cuz that means things are coming to an end. Although not completely as I love post coital cuddling as well. So in reality, the fun should extend well before... and after the 10 seconds of fun in the middle.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> No specific examples. Whatever it is you're doing for that hour leading up to the 10 seconds of fun.... that should be fun as well.
> 
> I don't specifically aim for, or even look forward to my orgasm... cuz that means things are coming to an end. Although not completely as I love post coital cuddling as well. So in reality, the fun should extend well before... and after the 10 seconds of fun in the middle.


I can't think of an activity I undertake where the overriding thought I have during is "how long is this going to take", "when will this be over", etc. 

How do you put yourself in a frame of mind where you ignore that and are focused on what you are doing at that moment? Do you think that would alter things?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Randy Lafever said:


> I can't think of an activity I undertake where the overriding thought I have during is "how long is this going to take", "when will this be over", etc.
> 
> How do you put yourself in a frame of mind where you ignore that and are focused on what you are doing at that moment? Do you think that would alter things?


Not sure I'm following you here. 

As to the first, there are activities I am constantly thinking about getting clear of and moving on to what's next. There are also activities where I'm fully in the moment and concerned with nothing but that moment. Standing in line at the DMV would be a good example of the former, sex would be a good example of the latter. 

Yes, being in a fully present frame of mind makes a difference. When I decide to be in a fully present frame of mind depends on a variety of factors ranging from how complex the task is to how pleasurable the task is. Sorry, I can't really give you any detailed description of how I do it. I just do.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Male/female couple. Similar.
> 
> I think that if both compromise then it needn't be the lower drive spouse who controls the frequency. Each needs to think of the other and find a way that is good for both.


My apologies in advance but this is restating the problem and gives what would truly be the answer in every circumstance IF logic ruled. But there are all those pesky feelings, perceptions, and emotions.....


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