# New guy here



## 9650

Hi all . New member here. Have been reading for a long time and this is the first time I've posted. My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and have 2 great kids together. We have issues though. For the most part we get along day to day pretty good, but there is no intimacy in our marriage and it's driving me insane. It used to be there but it's gone and she seems like she has no interest in regaining intimacy, and it causes a lot of resentment. Any advice out there ?


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## Mr.Married

Yes I do. Read all the threads about guys in your position. Prognosis is bad.
Like stage 3 ... treatment not likely. Make a firm decision about what you want or don’t want to do about it and stick with it

Here is the bad news as if the news wasn’t bad enough already: There is a good chance that you yourself are the problem.

Edit: hell that might be good news... because you can’t change people...that is like trying to piss into the wind... on a cold day .... while it’s raining... and you have no rain jacket... and you just saw your mother-in-law watching... and your boss called and your fired.

so yeah .... don’t try that


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## anewday

9650 said:


> Hi all . New member here. Have been reading for a long time and this is the first time I've posted. My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and have 2 great kids together. We have issues though. For the most part we get along day to day pretty good, but there is no intimacy in our marriage and it's driving me insane. It used to be there but it's gone and she seems like she has no interest in regaining intimacy, and it causes a lot of resentment. Any advice out there ?


My reply may not be expected as I was the wife haha but I’m currently going through a divorce now, my decision. I was the one that withdrew from intimacy and was blown away when I realized by the time I left we had not had actual sex in about 4 years. I always thought that people who said you need sex to keep marriage alive were insane, but they aren’t. There are so so many reasons I decided to divorce and intimacy did play a role. I thought I had come to a point in my life where I didn’t want to have sex anymore, then I realized it was just him I didn’t want to have sex with, and that wasn’t fair to either of us. Basically what I’m saying is you deserve intimacy. If she isn’t willing to work on it, again I’m a female haha, it’s ok for you to have an issue with it. You are in a marriage, you aren’t meant to be roommates. That’s what we ended up being and trust me, it doesn’t get better. Where I’m going through divorce still my response is probably really negative but that’s because I debated on divorce for 9 years (and I was married for 10). Once you know in your heart what you want, just do it. If you want to fix it, fix it. If you want to leave, as sick to your stomach as you are about it, just do it. Trust me.


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## bobert

How old are your kids? Did the lack of intimacy start before or after their births?


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## 9650

Kids are 2 and 4. I'm 34 and she's 40. I have expressed to her that I need more than what we are doing. Maybe sex every other week, on her terms. Basically duty sex. There's no foreplay, no intimacy. It really fell off after our 2nd child. She never initiates, and that makes me feel unwanted. I've tried changing some things about me, hoping maybe that would help, but no change.


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## anewday

I’m 33 and when I mentioned to someone that I hadn’t had sex for 4 years they literally said..that’s not healthy, you’re so young. So I’m going to say the same to you, you’re so young, and in my opinion, you deserve it more than every other week. Personally being a wife at one point myself, you may not want to hear this, it’s probably not going to get better, and that isn’t fair to you, especially if you have tried to fix it. You of course don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but in general, if other ways, does she make you happy?


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## 9650

anewday said:


> I’m 33 and when I mentioned to someone that I hadn’t had sex for 4 years they literally said..that’s not healthy, you’re so young. So I’m going to say the same to you, you’re so young, and in my opinion, you deserve it more than every other week. Personally being a wife at one point myself, you may not want to hear this, it’s probably not going to get better, and that isn’t fair to you, especially if you have tried to fix it. You of course don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but in general, if other ways, does she make you happy?


She has been off work since March due to covid and honestly I've never been more frustrated with her. I have been working the whole time at my day job, along with our farm which is 1200 acres and raising cattle. It's so frustrating to come home at 7:30 at night and have to make supper for us when she has been home all day. Or realizing at 10 at night I have no clean clothes to wear to work the next day when she's been home all day. I honestly could look past alot of this if love life was better but it all adds up and I spend alot of time just angry.


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## anewday

9650 said:


> She has been off work since March due to covid and honestly I've never been more frustrated with her. I have been working the whole time at my day job, along with our farm which is 1200 acres and raising cattle. It's so frustrating to come home at 7:30 at night and have to make supper for us when she has been home all day. Or realizing at 10 at night I have no clean clothes to wear to work the next day when she's been home all day. I honestly could look past alot of this if love life was better but it all adds up and I spend alot of time just angry.


Sounds to me you have all right to be frustrated. That was another reason I went through with my divorce. I was tired of literally doing everything while he sat around playing video games while I worked full time, was the maid, the yard keeper, the financial advisor, medical care taker, etc. He worked (or led me to believe he was working) and then played video games or disappeared to “work”. Trust me, you will get sick of it, if you haven’t already. I learned one thing that will kill love fast is filling under appreciated and just because they say “thank you” doesn’t cut it. There comes a point where you are being taken advantage of and once you remove yourself from the situation and you realize how much they were using you, it will light a fire under you to never go back. Marriage is worth saving if both people want to work on it. If one person has already checked out, move on. I should have listened to my gut along long time ago and not been so worried what people would think. To my surprise everyone (other than his family of course which is to be expected) supports me. Now that they know what really went on they wish I would have left sooner too. People don’t realize what it’s really like behind closed doors because for some reason we paint different pictures once we walk outside and our true relationships come out when no one is looking.


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## Mr.Married

You say y’all get along fine most of the time. Outside of sex and the cooking/dirty clothes..... how mad are you? Are you extremely ticked off like your going to give up.... or do you want to give it a hard effort?
Remember... I said your chances are slim but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to perhaps try?

So which one is it going to be? I’m thinking you would want to try by the sound of it.


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## bobert

9650 said:


> She has been off work since March due to covid and honestly I've never been more frustrated with her. I have been working the whole time at my day job, along with our farm which is 1200 acres and raising cattle. It's so frustrating to come home at 7:30 at night and have to make supper for us when she has been home all day. Or realizing at 10 at night I have no clean clothes to wear to work the next day when she's been home all day. I honestly could look past alot of this if love life was better but it all adds up and I spend alot of time just angry.


Your wife sounds depressed to me. It's not normal for someone to sit at home all day and not get any housework done (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc). Sure, some people are just lazy but it also is a sign of depression or other mental illness. If the lack of intimacy started after the birth of your child(ren) then I would wonder about PPD. If she is breastfeeding, that can also play a role. She could also be "touched out", I heard that one A LOT from my wife.


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## 9650

bobert said:


> Your wife sounds depressed to me. It's not normal for someone to sit at home all day and not get any housework done (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc). Sure, some people are just lazy but it also is a sign of depression or other mental illness. If the lack of intimacy started after the birth of your child(ren) then I would wonder about PPD. If she is breastfeeding, that can also play a role. She could also be "touched out", I heard that one A LOT from my wife.


She is on depression meds now. I find more often then not I'm upset with her in some way. It's like all these little things have put me over the edge.


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## jlg07

9650 said:


> Hi all . New member here. Have been reading for a long time and this is the first time I've posted. My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and have 2 great kids together. We have issues though. For the most part we get along day to day pretty good, but there is no intimacy in our marriage and it's driving me insane. It used to be there but it's gone and she seems like she has no interest in regaining intimacy, and it causes a lot of resentment. Any advice out there ?


So, when you discuss this with your wife (DISCUSS, not accuse!) , what does she say? Why doesn't she want that intimacy with you? You should both read/take the test for the 5 love languages. You both may be trying to show the other in ways they don't immediately connect as loving -- you may have different love languages.

Also, when the intimacy was "gone" what was happening around that time in your lives, especially with each other?


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## Yeswecan

9650 said:


> Kids are 2 and 4. I'm 34 and she's 40. I have expressed to her that I need more than what we are doing. Maybe sex every other week, on her terms. Basically duty sex. There's no foreplay, no intimacy. It really fell off after our 2nd child. She never initiates, and that makes me feel unwanted. I've tried changing some things about me, hoping maybe that would help, but no change.


I would believe the 2 and 4 year old are taking it right out of your wife. Let me ask, does your W work outside the home and childcare as well? SAHM only? Either way, your W is probably completely done at the end of the day. Of course if becomes duty sex. Tell us more about your day to day for both you and your W.


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## 9650

As of now she is working on a as needed basis due to covid. Basically a stay at home mom, but still takes the kids to her parents when she needs to go shopping or what not. Grandparents love seeing them and it's a non issue. If she needs a break, between her parents my parents or her sister or my sister, she can get someone to watch the kids for the afternoon. Her day starts around 7ish when kids get up makes them breakfast and around 9 they have a few daily farm chores that they do. Then unless she has work stuff, which happens twice a week maybe right now, she basically has the rest of the day to do whatever her and the kids want. My day starts at 530 and am out of the house by 630. I go to work from 7 to 330 sometimes later depending one the time of year, come home and depending on the time of the year work on the farm. Sometimes I'm done by 5oclock sometimes it's 2 am. If she was working full time she would need to be in the office by 9 and her day maybe ends at 530 or if she has games maybe 930pm.


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## Yeswecan

9650 said:


> As of now she is working on a as needed basis due to covid. Basically a stay at home mom, but still takes the kids to her parents when she needs to go shopping or what not. Grandparents love seeing them and it's a non issue. If she needs a break, between her parents my parents or her sister or my sister, she can get someone to watch the kids for the afternoon. Her day starts around 7ish when kids get up makes them breakfast and around 9 they have a few daily farm chores that they do. Then unless she has work stuff, which happens twice a week maybe right now, she basically has the rest of the day to do whatever her and the kids want. My day starts at 530 and am out of the house by 630. I go to work from 7 to 330 sometimes later depending one the time of year, come home and depending on the time of the year work on the farm. Sometimes I'm done by 5oclock sometimes it's 2 am. If she was working full time she would need to be in the office by 9 and her day maybe ends at 530 or if she has games maybe 930pm.


Understand your W day does not end at 5:30. Most moms I know, their day goes well into the night. While guys like me kick off at 5:00 and that is it. Do you share chores around the house lightening the load a bit? Understand your W "rest of the day doing whatever with the kids" is still work/attention of some sort.

Furthermore, are you dating your W or are you autopilot hoping for the best? Do you put your W first in all things? It appears to me you two have fallen into the co-parenting trap and putting kids first. This is the wrong way about it. The each of you put each other first. You date you W like you did before kids. Find a baby sitter(grand parents) and go out or a weekend away. There has to be at least 20 hours of just you two time each week. Undivided attention. Happy loving parents have happy kids.


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## Casual Observer

9650 said:


> Hi all . New member here. Have been reading for a long time and this is the first time I've posted. My wife and I have been married for 6 years now and have 2 great kids together. We have issues though. For the most part we get along day to day pretty good, but there is no intimacy in our marriage and it's driving me insane. It used to be there but it's gone and she seems like she has no interest in regaining intimacy, and it causes a lot of resentment. Any advice out there ?


I've trotted this Ted Talk out quite a few times, and it tends to hit home. Watch it and see what you think. Then maybe watch it with your wife.


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