# Sex toys and lingerie...not for me (SO BAD)



## bellc92 (May 24, 2018)

This is a serious issue for me...
I'm gonna try and keep this short but me and my husband have been together for 7 years, never really had a huge argument or anything - no kids which for now is a mutual decision.

We have a spare bedroom which my husband calls his 'man cave' hes got his computer in there and other random stuff. Hes also got a little chest of draws and one time when I was cleaning I opened it and found some weird stuff in there - **** rings and some anal stuff (for men) I never told him, never questioned it, I kinda thought maybe he wanted to use it once with me but that was like 7 months ago and still NOTHING. Not sure why because my sex drive is definitely higher than his (if we have sex twice a month I'm lucky).

I've just been away on a business trip for 3 days and my husband is not home right now but out of curiosity I checked that draw again. AND THIS TIME theres also womens lingerie in there, sort of like a babydoll set, all brand new (he opened it but he keeps it on the little package its been delivered in)

I'M SO CONFUSED - this is an actual issue for me, I dont understand why he has this stuff - I think the probability of him cheating on me is quite low - we're pretty much always together (if not in work ofc) and I really dont think hes that kind of a guy. 

What should I do? do I mention it? I'm dying to have a look through his computer/phone but everything is obvs password protected. Do I pretend I didnt see it? and just wait?

I'm not an argumentative person AT ALL but still, dont know what to do.


P.S. Not sure if its important but I'm 26 and my husband is 30.


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

bellc92 said:


> This is a serious issue for me...
> I'm gonna try and keep this short but me and my husband have been together for 7 years, never really had a huge argument or anything - no kids which for now is a mutual decision.
> 
> We have a spare bedroom which my husband calls his 'man cave' hes got his computer in there and other random stuff. Hes also got a little chest of draws and one time when I was cleaning I opened it and found some weird stuff in there - **** rings and some anal stuff (for men) I never told him, never questioned it, I kinda thought maybe he wanted to use it once with me but that was like 7 months ago and still NOTHING. Not sure why because my sex drive is definitely higher than his (if we have sex twice a month I'm lucky).
> ...


Hi @bellc92 

Is your husband a quiet man, an introvert? What kind of sex do you have (if this isnt too personal a question)?

If your sex life is quite vanilla and he is an introvert this could all be very innocent. Perhaps he has bought them for you but hasn't been able to pluck up the ciurage to introduce them to the bedroom yet. Is the lingerie your size?

Although, if there is anything else going on questioning his stash would push him to hide what he is up to better, so maybe not best to mention what you found to keep that upper hand.

Are you open with each other about sex? Do you talk much about it. Maybe its worth having a sit down about sex and casually bring up the use of **** rings and other stuff you found to gague his reaction. If it is innocent then he may have hidden desires your unaware off, getting them out in the open could even improve his labido.

Me and the wife were very closed off about talking about sex with one another, and have only recently had such discussions. We discovered lots of shared kinks we have that both didnt want to admit too, nearly 9 years into our marriage. To say its brought us closer is an understatement. :smthumbup:

Like I say I could be wrong, you know your husband better than me. Have the chat, and casually drop some of the things you saw into the conversation and see bow he reacts.

Best wishes


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wooodd said:


> If your sex life is quite vanilla and he is an introvert this could all be very innocent. Perhaps he has bought them for you but hasn't been able to pluck up the ciurage to introduce them to the bedroom yet. Is the lingerie your size?s


Yeah, that must be it. He's too 'shy' to show her the butt plug and dildo collection he bought 'for her.' 

I know we're likely being set up with this post but I've got a few minutes so what the hell.

BellC92, your husband is likely a cross-dresser and is possibly bisexual. I'm not saying being a cross-dresser automatically means he's bisexual, I'm saying it because he hardly has sex with you but his 'toy drawer' runneth over and if I'm being honest, I don't think he dresses up in his finest lingerie just to spend that time alone looking in the mirror. I think he's got like-minded 'buddies' he spends time with and who knows - maybe they have tea parties in their negligees. 

Surely you don't believe your husband didn't take 100% advantage of your 3 day absence, do you? Don't be naive - that'll get the rug pulled RIGHT out from under you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As his wife, you are correct in thinking that he owes you a viable explanation!

Well past time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting!"*


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## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, that must be it. He's too 'shy' to show her the butt plug and dildo collection he bought 'for her.'
> 
> I know we're likely being set up with this post but I've got a few minutes so what the hell.
> 
> ...


I've never been subject to infidelity or deceit so maybe I'm just a little more positive than most. 

Besides they may well be for him rather than her, for many men I should imagine requesting a good pegging from his wife might be a daunting prospect. There doesn't always have to be deceit, it could well be embarassment.

Some people around here are quick to jump to the worst of conclusions, and with very good reason. I just wanted to point out to the OP (if, as you say, the scenario is legit) that there could be other explinations.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, that must be it. He's too 'shy' to show her the butt plug and dildo collection he bought 'for her.'
> 
> I know we're likely being set up with this post but I've got a few minutes so what the hell.
> 
> ...



Just wanted to point out that neither cross-dressing nor anal play mean that a man is bisexual or gay. Plenty of straight men enjoy having their prostate stimulated (it's the male g-spot), but stigma and stereotyping often makes a lot of them uncomfortable with sharing that with their partners, particularly if they come from a conservative or possibly judgmental background. 

OP, it could be that he is exploring himself in ways that he didn't have an opportunity to before. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions but rather approach it as a curious partner (not a concerned one). Casually bring up what you found in the drawer and playfully ask if he would share with you want he does with the toys and whether he wants you to be part of it. Maybe suggest having him use the plug while he's inside of you, or offer (if you're comfortable with it) to explore him with your fingers. If the lingerie turns out to be all part of a fetish, then come to him with an open ear and mind and let him express himself in a way that doesn't frighten or demean him. If he isn't ready to discuss it, let him know that you are there when he is ready. 

Like I said, if he is exploring anal play with himself and has not brought it up to you then he probably sees it as a potential risk of judgment. Some men also have trouble working with the idea of a woman topping them in any capacity, so he could be working through myriad social and cultural preconceived limitations.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are many possibilities. One that I personally think is most likely: he has a kink that he is too embarrassed to admit. 

Receptive anal play and cross dressing are not that uncommon of a kink but its something that many men would be mortified to admit to. Not particularly related to being gay / bi.

The toys were for men, so that suggests that he isn't fooling around with other women. The women's lingerie is not at all common for gay men - after all gay men are attracted to other *men*, not to women. So I don't think its likely he is playing with other men either. (obviously can't rule out either).

I think starting with assuming he is kinky is the way to go. Now you need to think about whether or not you are willing to engage that kink. That is entirely up to you. Some options.

If you are not up for that sort of play, then just ignore it. 

If you are up for that sort of play, then the combination of womens lingerie and anal toys sort of hints that he likes to play submissive. You could have both of you take the test on mojoupgrade.com which will help find sexual things you both want to do. 

You can take a chance and one day bring out a strapon and riding crop...... (if he objects, you can say you find his toys and assumed .... or what were they for????)


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

My guess is that the toys and lingerie are for him - nor you or a secret lover.

And I agree with some others, these kinks have little to do with sexual orientation.

You keep saying how you do not have arguments, and that you are not an argumentative person.

Being direct is different that argumentative. Rug sweeping isn't the only option to being contrary.

"Getting along" is great in a relationship as long as it doesn't mean you are avoiding issues that need to be faced.

Face it, you aren't going to be able to just forget about this. You need to talk to him about it. HOW you talk to him about it, and his reaction will make all the difference.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Just talk to him about it. He wasn't trying hard to hide it. He probably wanted you to find it as a way of opening up the conversation. If that is the case you two also need to work on having more open communication. 

Maybe put on the lingerie and wait for him to get home.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So, your H has a few kinks he never told you about. 

Before you confront him, ask yourself the following:

If he likes to dress up in female lingerie, how do you feel about that? Is this something that you can incorporate in your sex life?

If he likes using the plug, would you be able to use this on him and how do you feel about him using this?

Would any of this change how you feel towards him as your husband and lover?

Because depending on how much you can accept this or not, will direct the way the conversation goes. 

I hope it all works out for you and your marriage. Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ditto.

If you love the guy, sit down with him and tell him that you love him to pieces and that you want to be the focus of his sex life. Tell him that you don't want him to hide any fantasies or sexual desires from you. Also tell him that you may or may not agree to do things he wants, but that you will listen to him, not judge him negatively and research his requests and desires to see if they are things you can do with him or if there are similar things you might be able to do.

For example, if he wants you to dress up as a man and he wants to dress up as a woman.....why not as long as it stays at home behind closed doors and drawn drapes. I would suggest you tell him it would be a rare treat, maybe once a month or once every two or three months, and that in exchange, you have a few things you want him to do for you sexually. If you can't handle say sex while the two of you cross dress, tell him that and say that you will hold him while he masturbates or that you will be there for him afterwards.

The mind is the biggest sex organ and it can be easily tricked. Find out what is going on, see if there is some part of it you can participate in or if there is some other alternative thing he might also be happy with.

Dr. David Schnarch points out that marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do, if they do it right. That is because two people come together and live together as husband and wife. They learn all their partners secrets and they each mature at different rates. That means there is a constant pulling and pushing going on and that there is a near constant renegotiation of the rules and rituals of the marriage. One of the keys to success is the ability to self sooth. That is to find yourself in a position where you are uncomfortable with what you spouse wants or needs and having to figure out if you can break it down into small steps that you can do one or two of and then try to compromise so that you can meet each other's needs without destroying your own individual boundaries. Roll playing is a great way to try to compromise. However, inviting others into the sexuality of your relationship is full of all kinds of risks to a healthy marriage.

Good luck. I suspect this is just a phase he is going through and a little bit on questioning his own sexuality. I would be surprised if he is cheating on you............but I have bee wrong before. Just so he doesn't go all Bruce Jenner on you.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

I think all these things are mastabatory aides. If you are able to get into any of his kinks, you guys are going to have a good time!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OP, I understand your hurt. I too had a husband who hardly touched me but had....interesting personal habits.

His little drawer of personal fun would be all well and good and hip IF HE WAS TAKING CARE OF YOU, HIS WIFE.

He's not.

He's wearing teddies and spanking WHILE NEGLECTING YOU.

Sorry, that's a oriblem.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I agree. I had a private kink but always had sex with my wife. It took a couple of years for me to share this. Fortunately she was comfortable with it and it made me feel even closer to her, but you are right having a kink is no excuse not to meet your wife's needs.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP hasn't been back.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

uhtred said:


> OP hasn't been back.


I hope that means that she is having a good time with hubby and toys!!!


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

It's possible that he's a cross-dresser.


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## Ketiara (Jun 5, 2018)

I doubt he's cheating. He may enjoy the toys and lingerie himself, and is afraid of your reaction if he tells you. I would imagine part of the fantasy is getting "caught", otherwise he'd have tried harder to hide it. Talking to him might not be as hard as you think. If I'm right, he's probably anxious to come clean. My advice is not to explode or react angrily. Despite what you may feel inside, a calm reaction may bring you closer. If he wants to get this out in the open, being able to tell you without getting his head bitten off will be huge for him. Then he'll be more likely to hear and accept any feelings you have about it. 

Just my .$02. I've been there.


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

He didn't try hard to hide the stuff. On some less than completely conscious level, I expect he wanted his wife to find the stuff, hoping to expand whatever they do sexually. A kink that some people are unaware of is "hiding something, then being angrily found out, then hoping the anger transitions into passion", a common theme in fiction. The anger rarely transitions into passion in reality. Better to figure out a way to indirectly initiate the conversation...If it's crossdressing, rent a film that includes cross-dressing; Tootsie is an easy choice then transition into the conversation.


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