# Sexless marriage and infidelity



## Meez (12 mo ago)

I’m married to my husband for six years now and during this time we may have had sex only 4-5 times.
We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away. I felt bad. And since then we started distancing. Time and again I did try to get close to him but he ignored my hints. We never spoke about it openly and he never tried. Weeks turned to months, months to years and before I knew we had completely stopped having sex. We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.
The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries.
Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex. On further investigations he confessed that he had just gone for a lap dance and that too once. Also, he has erectile dysfunction and therefore embarrassed and didn’t try to come close to me. 
i threatened to leave him but our parents got involved and everyone begged me to stay. I stayed with a promise he will work on our relationship but he didn’t.
We started therapy, mid way he quit. He went to the doctor for his impotency, he never used the medicine he got. I tried explaining him that it is not just about penetrating sex but he still didn’t understand. I wore flimsy clothes twice to seduce him, he tried to have sex and then never once initiated after that day.
I’m close to giving up. Sometimes I feel I am just too comfortable in this relationship and don’t want to go through the cycle of finding a new partner. I’m 35 and I don’t want to live alone. I want to have kids some day but I feel that window is closing. I want to leave him but he is tooooo nice.
What should I do?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This sounds like a cut and dry case where you should cut him loose. You have tried many things and told him numerous times. He didn’t make a real attempt at fixing his physical issues.

At 35 and in good shape with no kids the world is your oyster.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> This sounds like a cut and dry case where you should cut him loose. You have tried many things and told him numerous times. He didn’t make a real attempt at fixing his physical issues.
> 
> At 35 and in good shape with no kids the world is your oyster.


I am an enthusiastic second to this motion.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

It sounds like he has a sex drive… how’s he satisfying that day to day- porn? Really an odd situation here…


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Meez said:


> I’m married to my husband for six years now and during this time we may have had sex only 4-5 times.
> We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away. I felt bad. And since then we started distancing. Time and again I did try to get close to him but he ignored my hints. We never spoke about it openly and he never tried. Weeks turned to months, months to years and before I knew we had completely stopped having sex. We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.
> The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries.
> Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex. On further investigations he confessed that he had just gone for a lap dance and that too once. Also, he has erectile dysfunction and therefore embarrassed and didn’t try to come close to me.
> ...


Unless he's willing to let you look to an outside source for sex, and you are willing to do it, give up. He's shown that he doesn't want to make the effort. It would be a different story if he were trying and still failing to be able to have sex, and didn't try to do other activities besides PIV for sexual satisfaction. Your only other option after those two is to settle for a sexless marriage and maybe invest in batteries.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My heart goes out to the OP.

You understand the source of your problem and how things went down hill. Both of you could have talked about it back at the beginning instead of letting things build over the years. I am so sorry. But that is hindsight. His cheating was horrible and potentially unforgivable.

The question is not the past the the present and the future. You need to work on healing yourself mentally. If not to help save this marriage (which you choose not to try to save), but any future relationship. That means you will need to figure out what you could have tried to do differently. Of course that assumes your husband would have also tried to change things as well. You can't make him do anything, only he can changte himself and only if he wants to. However, you can change yourself, if you want to.

My suggestion would be to get and read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. It may make you feel less alone and provide comfort in knowing that you are not alone. It also will give you some suggestions on how you can do things that change you and how you will allow yourself to be treated by others that may save this marriage or some future marriage.

Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Looks like you'll have to learn to cook.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

He wants to have sex...just not with you. The key is finding out why you are not attractive to him. Do you yell or complain or whine a lot?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Meez said:


> Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex.


Men don’t actually pay sex workers for sex. 

They pay to walk away after they’ve had their jollies. 

In other words he was paying to get a thrill but NOT have any kind of personal relationship. 

This means he can’t/won’t have sexual relations within the context of a relationship but will pay hard earned money to not have a relationship with someone he cops a feel off of. 

You need to think about if that is the kind of person you want to try to have any kind of intimate relationship with or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Men don’t actually pay sex workers for sex.
> 
> They pay to walk away after they’ve had their jollies.
> 
> ...


Actually, I will defer to Julia Roberts in the movie Pretty Woman as she said it better there - “men don’t pay hookers for sex. They pay them to leave. “


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Meez said:


> I’m married to my husband for six years now and during this time we may have had sex only 4-5 times.
> We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away. I felt bad. And since then we started distancing. Time and again I did try to get close to him but he ignored my hints. We never spoke about it openly and he never tried. Weeks turned to months, months to years and before I knew we had completely stopped having sex. We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.
> The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries.
> Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex. On further investigations he confessed that he had just gone for a lap dance and that too once. Also, he has erectile dysfunction and therefore embarrassed and didn’t try to come close to me.
> ...


This does not sound like the man you should be having children with. He isn't nice. He is withholding the intimacy you want and he knows it. His actions show he doesn't want to work on himself and furthermore he is cheating, both intimacy and money.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sometimes, the best approach is to "Cut bait and run."
You should get your cutlery sharpened and work on your sprint.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Meez said:


> We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away.


Six years ago you should have left. “Other things besides sex”? On a honeymoon?!? Pushed you away?!? You should have got an annulment that day.

Dont waste your one and only life trying to repair this wreck. File, and move on with life. For sure you will find a fulfilling marriage with a man who will help you make up for 6 wasted years. H3ll he might even be a better cook too!

There are lot of men posting on these forums who cook, clean, do all housework to unsuccessfully get their wives to share sex with them. And their wives cheat on them besides. Maybe when you divorce you will meet a man who had same experience as you did. Together you can light up the night (and day!). Wont take long to put the last six years in the rearview mirror.

Time is wasting if you want to have a baby.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Meez said:


> What should I do?


Why? Nothing. You seem to be alright with wasting your life with this man because?????



Meez said:


> We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.


So, There you have it. You two function like a well oiled machine. So no worries, be happy. At least you're not wasting anybody's life but yours. that attractive woman you see in the mirror, hey, don't worry, with time it will fade and you will see less and less men interested in you, but hey, at least you stayed in a well oiled machine.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sadly, i have to agree with the "divorce him" crowd. Just because he has ED does not necessarily mean he can not have sex. there are plenty of drugs today, including injections that would get a dead man hard. Also there are plenty of other ways to get you to orgasm without needing a hard penis. he just is not even trying.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> sadly, i have to agree with the "divorce him" crowd. Just because he has ED does not necessarily mean he can not have sex. *there are plenty of drugs today, including injections that would get a dead man hard.* Also there are plenty of other ways to get you to orgasm without needing a hard penis. *he just is not even trying.*


Worst case (if he cared) he can get an implant and get hard anytime on command. He can just pump the lil man up whenever needed lol.

OP said he cheated on her before. Got lap dances, and hired hookers. OP planned to leave but was reeled back in by her inlaws. So maybe hubby's unit ain't broken, it just won't work for her. He isn't a keeper. After six years that fish is just rotten.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Put simply: You are not going to have children with this man. If you want children, you need to leave immediately.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Meez said:


> We never spoke about it openly


I agree with others, get out. 

In your next relationship though, communicate. Never speaking about an issue or a problem openly together, whatever said issue or problem is, is a huge mistake in a relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sounds like he is in the roll of a parent with you. He does everything you said, he cooks, he cleans, he gets you anything you want. How about growing up so it is a equal relationship.

What happened earlier on the night you got drunk and came onto him? Did he cook and clean while you were drinking?

or Leave because of his cheating.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You admitted _you stayed in this sexless marriage to reap the other benefits_: he funded your education, cooks for you, gets you anything you want. You stayed because you wanted to have these advantages. That was a conscious choice you made. 

If you aren't happy about the sex, get divorced. It really is as simple as that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You admitted _you stayed in this sexless marriage to reap the other benefits_: he funded your education, cooks for you, gets you anything you want. You stayed because you wanted to have these advantages. That was a conscious choice you made.
> 
> If you aren't happy about the sex, get divorced. It really is as simple as that.


Totally agree... learn to cook...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Meez said:


> The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries......
> 
> What should I do?


Let me take a different look on all this.
you owe this guy, a LOT. he paid for your education! he treats you like a goddess. He obviously loves you.

but he has some inner demons that make it hard for him to be intimate, and he has ED. WHY does he not follow thru on the available treatments? Who knows, but that would be the first place to start with. Get him to see a psychiatrist to figure out what is going on in his head. If you can get him over whatever mental wall is keeping him from being intimate....then you are on the road to an almost perfect marriage!

Why do i think it is mostly mental problems on his part? Well, lets say his penis was cut off in a horrible industrial accident. He could STILL have good sex with you. He has his fingers, his tongue, can use sex toys on you, can do all sorts of role play, kinky sex, easily there are hundreds of ways he can give you regular orgasms. AND the odds are his penis is not totally useless, and with the right medicines (see a urologist on this one) he can at least get back partial use of his penis for sex.

He might be very embarassed about his ED, and that is why he is avoiding talking about it or doing anything about it. You need to convince him that even if his penis never starts working again, he is still your husband and you still love him. build up his confidence.

BTW, lap dances are a really poor sexual release for a guy. There is no sex at a strip club, just titilation. the sex goes on after he comes home from the strip club, and you go to work on his horny body!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Meez said:


> I’m married to my husband for six years now and during this time we may have had sex only 4-5 times.
> We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away. I felt bad. And since then we started distancing. Time and again I did try to get close to him but he ignored my hints. We never spoke about it openly and he never tried. Weeks turned to months, months to years and before I knew we had completely stopped having sex. We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.
> The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries.
> Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex. On further investigations he confessed that he had just gone for a lap dance and that too once. Also, he has erectile dysfunction and therefore embarrassed and didn’t try to come close to me.
> ...


It almost sounds like he married you so people wouldn't guess about his ED. I don't know what you can do if he won't even try the drugs available to see if they work. Don't know why he's going to strip clubs if he can't do anything about it, so I've got to assume sometimes he does or sometimes he thinks he might. 

I don't know why you're letting parents tell you what to do. If he was such a great person he would be at least trying these ED drugs and not going to strip clubs and cheating on you basically. It's almost like he's just doing those things to get you to stay so he can look normal. But you have no obligation to do what his family says. 

You don't have kids and if you are going to want a family you're not going to get it staying with him unless he makes some effort to see if there's anything that can be done. If he won't even make the effort, even though you like a lot of things about him, if children is one of the things you really want, you're going to have to leave and find someone else. This is your life so don't waste it. If all he wants to be is friends, he doesn't have to be married to you and be the father of your children for that.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Meez said:


> I’m married to my husband for six years now and during this time we may have had sex only 4-5 times.
> We had sex before marriage so it wasn’t like I hadn’t experienced it with him so after marriage (and during our honeymoon) when we were doing other things besides sex, I was ok with it. Then one night I got drunk and imposed myself on him and he pushed me away. I felt bad. And since then we started distancing. Time and again I did try to get close to him but he ignored my hints. We never spoke about it openly and he never tried. Weeks turned to months, months to years and before I knew we had completely stopped having sex. We functioned like a well oiled machine, we are very social and people look up to us as a couple but no one would imagine what is going on internally. And trust me, I am an attractive woman and I feel bad that I’m being treated like this.
> The thing that makes me stay is that he is a gem of a person, he funded my education, he takes care of me, he cooks for me, I can ask for anything and he gets it for me, he cries that he is not able to make things better but he never tries.
> Now after these excruciating years, last year I caught him cheating, apparently he had paid for sex. On further investigations he confessed that he had just gone for a lap dance and that too once. Also, he has erectile dysfunction and therefore embarrassed and didn’t try to come close to me.
> ...


he may well be gay


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## GraciesMagic (11 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This does not sound like the man you should be having children with. He isn't nice. He is withholding the intimacy you want and he knows it. His actions show he doesn't want to work on himself and furthermore he is cheating, both intimacy and money.


Yes he is using a form of control over you dont stand for that !


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