# Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partner



## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partner*

So to make a long story short, I was caught being too flirty and close to one of my good friends about 2+ years ago. My marriage always appeared happy, but my wife was always jealous of everything and kind of made me feel bad about anything regarding other women. She'd get mad when boobs popped up in movies, or victoria secret commercials came on, and god forbid there be any porn in the web history, or that the history be deleted. Anyways, this is what made us grow apart and in came this new person in my life

It started off as just friends and after my wife and I started to slowly break up, I got close to this girl very quickly. She described me as someone she has always been looking for, and we have all the same interests. We did get intimate too early which complicated things during my divorce. She didn't want to be seen as a homewrecker so we kept everything pretty private. This was kind of eating away at her though because she wanted to just start a relationship and not have to worry about my baggage. Neither of us have kids or anything and she has never been married. During the holiday season I couldn't see her as much because of seeing friends and family, including my ex's for the last time. Me and my Ex are still good friends and we want to keep in touch time to time since we've been together for a really long time (dated since I was 16 and I'm now 32). We're as happy about the divorce as anyone couple possibly be because we just want to start over and for each other to be happy, which we haven't been for 2 years. It's actually a pretty smooth break up.

My divorce is almost final so I decided to start talking about potentially making my new relationship official with the girl I was seeing during my divorce. We still kept in touch almost every day and things seemed just fine like any really good friends even while I wasn't seeing her as much. 

Now I can finally see her as much as I want and not really worry about the ramifications and she suddenly told me that the last couple months she has changed and needs to figure out who she wants to be before getting into any relationship whatsoever. She said she loves me and want's to continue to be my best friend (which she truly is) but before getting into any relationship with me she needs time to figure out her own stuff. She even went as far to tell me we can still hang out as we normally did and she still says she loves me, but she doesn't want me to continue doing the "supportive boyfriend" stuff like stopping by randomly to surprise her with stuff, or offer to cook dinner while she's doing her college work. She just wants me to be her best friend and we'll revisit the relationship thing once she figures out who she is. She said a few weeks ago that she wanted space while she was finishing up a really long paper, and I offered to cook for her and clean up when she needed it just so she has a little less to worry about and although she didn't say it bothered her at the time, she later told me she didn't want me doing it unless she tells me to. She said she wants control of everything we do, rather than me just doing it. I must admit I was a little bothered by this at first, but we do see each other a lot. Maybe it was just overwhelming for her since I was going through my tough break up while she was in the background reconnecting with friends. I know who she hangs out with and she's always 100% honest with me so she would tell me if someone else came into the picture. 

I guess I'm just worried that maybe she only wants to be friends so that later down the road she can find someone else and hope that we just stay friends, or maybe she really does need a break from relationships because our time together has had its great times and low points because of my divorce. I just really hate the timing of it all. I've never really been through a break up or a new relationship in a while, as you can tell from my 16 year relationship. 

Give me hope, or give it to me straight. I'm going back into friend mode at her request, but do we still have a shot? Any idea how long it will take? I'm not going to even bother asking, but I can't wait forever. I love this girl. Thanks everyone!


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Lila said:


> How old is your "friend"?


She's 30


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

I have a feeling if you tell her what you want, and give her a day to decide if that's what she wants, she will either agree to the type of relationship you want, or she will tell you that she does not want that relationship with you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> So to make a long story short, I was caught being too flirty and close to one of my good friends about 2+ years ago. My marriage always appeared happy, but my wife was always jealous of everything and kind of made me feel bad about anything regarding other women. She'd get mad when boobs popped up in movies, or victoria secret commercials came on, and god forbid there be any porn in the web history, or that the history be deleted. Anyways, this is what made us grow apart and in came this new person in my life
> 
> It started off as just friends and after my wife and I started to slowly break up, I got close to this girl very quickly. She described me as someone she has always been looking for, and we have all the same interests. We did get intimate too early which complicated things during my divorce. She didn't want to be seen as a homewrecker so we kept everything pretty private. This was kind of eating away at her though because she wanted to just start a relationship and not have to worry about my baggage. Neither of us have kids or anything and she has never been married. During the holiday season I couldn't see her as much because of seeing friends and family, including my ex's for the last time. Me and my Ex are still good friends and we want to keep in touch time to time since we've been together for a really long time (dated since I was 16 and I'm now 32). We're as happy about the divorce as anyone couple possibly be because we just want to start over and for each other to be happy, which we haven't been for 2 years. It's actually a pretty smooth break up.
> 
> ...


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Lila said:


> Was this girl the same one from 2+ years ago?
> 
> You seem to be in a similar situation to this guy but at at different points in your life.
> 
> ...


I did ask her and she said that if we continue the continue the relationship once she figures herself out, she wants to make 100% sure it will work. She also said that I'll probably need time to figure myself out after the divorce is official. This is why she wants to keep doing things together with our friends, and time to time we do alone too. It's really the same thing we've been doing the past couple years. She still looks at me the same way, says the same things. I catch her staring at me time to time as well if we're out and talking to different people. We still contact each other every day in some way, email text etc. It's almost as if we're starting over and she wants to slowly start where we began. That's what it seems like to me anyways.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GusPolinski said:


>


Gas lighting??


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

After being in a relationship with you for 2 years, now she wants to figure out who she wants to date? Kind of tells me that she is done with your relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

Sounds like it's run it's course.

Also sounds like you got involved with her while you were still with your wife.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



C3156 said:


> After being in a relationship with you for 2 years, now she wants to figure out who she wants to date? Kind of tells me that she is done with your relationship.


She doesn't want to figure out who she wants to date. She doesn't want a full blown relationship right now. She said I'd be perfect for her. She has never broken up with anyone in her life because she's usually the one to do something wrong or go nuts and turn off her partner. She said she doesn't want to date anyone until she figures that out. She is medicated for bipolar and she has these moments. I'm one of the few that understands what to do and when to give her alone time when she needs it or has an episode. She loves that about me and has told me this. She may be afraid of screwing up the relationship we had going so she wants to become more confident in herself. These are all things she has told me. Honestly my gut tells me that if I just hold off on the relationship part and just be her friend while giving her time to herself rather than showing up and acting like a boyfriend, that she will eventually snap out of this and talk about getting serious. This is just my gut feeling based on how much I know her, but I'm just asking you all in case you've encountered something similar. It probably wasn't a good idea posting this here because most people with these issues have their scenario play out negatively as opposed to positive. I'll be sure to update in a few months if anything happens.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



C3156 said:


> After being in a relationship with you for 2 years, now she wants to figure out who she wants to date? Kind of tells me that she is done with your relationship.


I think the same. Has she met someone else or interested in someone else and keeping you as the backup?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



JustTired said:


> Gas lighting??


You got it! :smthumbup:

ETA: _Especially_ in the first two paragraphs of OP's initial post.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Observer said:


> I think the same. Has she met someone else or interested in someone else and keeping you as the backup?


She has not, and she isn't interested in anyone at this time. Anytime she goes out, she will invite me or our friends will. Even after this "change" that she's going through. She is very transparent and honest with me. I know things about her and her life/family that she has never told anyone. We did get close a little too early, but I still think we're a good match, as does she. She just doesn't want it right now. She would never keep me as a backup. She would just tell me straight up that she was dating again. In fact she did date someone else a year or so ago that didn't work out and she told me about it because we weren't as serious at the time. It was after that when I started to get serious about my divorce and do something about it when she got very close.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

IMO if someone needs time to figure out their own stuff they should be able to explain it to you especially if you are in a relationship with them. 

She doesn't want you surprising her? She doesn't want to be with you in that way. Move on, don't hang around it doesn't make you attractive to her.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> It was after that when I started to get serious about my divorce and do something about it when she got very close.


And now when you are close to being divorced she has to figure stuff out?


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



tryingpatience said:


> And now when you are close to being divorced she has to figure stuff out?


She said she started trying to figure out herself a couple months ago. She really didn't like asking about the divorce because it was uncomfortable for her. She didn't like my situation at home so she only really saw me when we would go out and about or when I went to see her.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



tryingpatience said:


> IMO if someone needs time to figure out their own stuff they should be able to explain it to you especially if you are in a relationship with them.
> 
> She doesn't want you surprising her? She doesn't want to be with you in that way. Move on, don't hang around it doesn't make you attractive to her.


She did explain it to me, and she does want to still hang out. She just wants better control of it.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

I don't think I did a good job explaining this. I appreciate the info but I'm going to just be best friends with her like we have been and see what happens, while at the same time not ruling out any other potential relationships that I may stumble across. I know many people here probably think she isn't interested, and while that may be true, the signs she gives me all point toward just be a good friend for now and we will revisit later. She even says things like "if we want to take this to the next step" and "want to make sure it won't end the way my others did" and things of that nature. Maybe I was just fishing for some hope, but I think she's already given it to me. It doesn't mean I'm going to sit and wait forever. I'm a strong person mentally and I'll get through just fine. Thanks for the responses


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## imarriedyoung (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> I don't think I did a good job explaining this. I appreciate the info but I'm going to just be best friends with her like we have been and see what happens, while at the same time not ruling out any other potential relationships that I may stumble across. I know many people here probably think she isn't interested, and while that may be true, the signs she gives me all point toward just be a good friend for now and we will revisit later. She even says things like "if we want to take this to the next step" and "want to make sure it won't end the way my others did" and things of that nature. Maybe I was just fishing for some hope, but I think she's already given it to me. It doesn't mean I'm going to sit and wait forever. I'm a strong person mentally and I'll get through just fine. Thanks for the responses




Good luck. I hope things work out for you.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

Honestly it sounds like now that it can finally become "real" because of your divorce, she is getting cold feet. Whether that means she's going to run or not I don't know.

It's a moot point by now, but I think you're making a mistake in blaming your wife's jealousy for forcing the two of you apart, when in fact it sounds like your wandering eye is what engendered the jealousy. If you got caught being "too flirty" with this other woman, then no wonder your wife was overly sensitive about the issue. Just something to keep in mind in your future relationships, maybe learn to be more honest with yourself.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



John Lee said:


> It's a moot point by now, but I think you're making a mistake in blaming your wife's jealousy for forcing the two of you apart, when in fact it sounds like your wandering eye is what engendered the jealousy. If you got caught being "too flirty" with this other woman, then no wonder your wife was overly sensitive about the issue. Just something to keep in mind in your future relationships, maybe learn to be more honest with yourself.


:iagree:

It's not "irrational" jealousy if you actually have crappy boundaries with other women, are "too flirty" with your female friends, or are running around. That's _rational_ jealousy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> .....She has never broken up with anyone in her life because she's usually the one to do something wrong or go nuts and turn off her partner.......She is medicated for bipolar and she has these moments.


:slap:

Look, it honestly sounds like neither of you are in a fit state of mind for a stable and healthy relationship right now. This whole thing is just a hot mess of red flags - on both sides. I would highly recommend that you do some reading up and/or see an individual counselor to work on what are some fairly serious boundary issues. In the mean time, give her the space she's asked for. If both of you can get emotionally healthy, perhaps you'll be in a better place to try your relationship later.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



John Lee said:


> Honestly it sounds like now that it can finally become "real" because of your divorce, she is getting cold feet. Whether that means she's going to run or not I don't know.
> 
> It's a moot point by now, but I think you're making a mistake in blaming your wife's jealousy for forcing the two of you apart, when in fact it sounds like your wandering eye is what engendered the jealousy. If you got caught being "too flirty" with this other woman, then no wonder your wife was overly sensitive about the issue. Just something to keep in mind in your future relationships, maybe learn to be more honest with yourself.


My wife's jealousy has been since we were kids. I've always avoided having female friends and I was never allowed to comment on other female's appearance or anything. I never flirted with anyone in the past before this. It was her jealousy of pretty much everything and her insecurity that turned me off to her and many tell me, counselors included, that this is why I started to drift away from her and talk to people I normally wouldn't. Everything happens for a reason though, and I'll just get on with my life. 

Maybe neither of us are ready to take it to the next step, like one of you just mentioned. I'll take this slowly and see what happens.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Rowan said:


> :slap:
> 
> Look, it honestly sounds like neither of you are in a fit state of mind for a stable and healthy relationship right now. This whole thing is just a hot mess of red flags - on both sides. I would highly recommend that you do some reading up and/or see an individual counselor to work on what are some fairly serious boundary issues. In the mean time, give her the space she's asked for. If both of you can get emotionally healthy, perhaps you'll be in a better place to try your relationship later.


Lastly, she didn't ask for space, just a normal friendship for now. We will probably end up seeing each other just as much. She invited me over tonight, and we may hit the gym before. She sent me a couple video messages and other random comments too. We're always in touch. It's fine for now. I think she really just needs to take a break from relationships in general because they are too heart wrenching. I tend to agree.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> My wife's jealousy has been since we were kids. I've always avoided having female friends and I was never allowed to comment on other female's appearance or anything. I never flirted with anyone in the past before this. It was her jealousy of pretty much everything and her insecurity that turned me off to her and many tell me, counselors included, that this is why I started to drift away from her and talk to people I normally wouldn't. Everything happens for a reason though, and I'll just get on with my life.
> 
> Maybe neither of us are ready to take it to the next step, like one of you just mentioned. I'll take this slowly and see what happens.


No matter how unreasonable her jealousy was, who you flirt with is always in your control. This is dodging responsibility. Anyway, if your marriage was bad then it doesn't matter, it's better for you to be apart from her. But the relationship you started while married does not sound like a winner to me.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> Lastly, *she didn't ask for space, just a normal friendship for now*. We will probably end up seeing each other just as much. She invited me over tonight, and we may hit the gym before. She sent me a couple video messages and other random comments too. We're always in touch. It's fine for now. I think she really just needs to take a break from relationships in general because they are too heart wrenching. I tend to agree.


Dude. Did you just get friendzoned?


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



John Lee said:


> No matter how unreasonable her jealousy was, who you flirt with is always in your control. This is dodging responsibility. Anyway, if your marriage was bad then it doesn't matter, it's better for you to be apart from her. But the relationship you started while married does not sound like a winner to me.


Yep, I respect that opinion. Time will tell


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Rowan said:


> Dude. Did you just get friendzoned?


Haha, sounds like it right?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

She might have figured out that if you would cheat on your wife with her, you'll cheat on her.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

It's a mistake to jump into a relationship so soon. Take some time, be by yourself and figure out what mistakes you made to cause your marriage to break up so it doesn't happen again and then start dating.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



Blondilocks said:


> She might have figured out that if you would cheat on your wife with her, you'll cheat on her.


No it's not like that. We didn't physically cheat either, just verbally which I know is very bad too. My wife didn't cheat on me but once we knew we weren't going to work out, she started to see other people too and did get physical with someone. It just needed to end, and probably a while ago. My "friend" has cheated in past relationships and knew what she was doing when she was talking to me. We both know it was a mistake, but it didn't stop us from staying in touch at first then becoming close after. I learned a lot from this mistake and I will NEVER do it again. I know people say that no one ever changes and once a cheater always a cheater and bla bla bla but I'm not like that. I guess if you look at me as a typical guy then it's painting the wrong picture. I never want to go through this again and I've learned my lesson. Maybe a relationship isn't a good idea for now anyways.


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## GuyNextDoor82 (Jan 28, 2015)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

Trust me everyone, I've taken all advice that has been given and I understand that it could be that we're just friends now. I'll check back in a couple months and let people know if they were correct. If anything happens between now and then I'll chime in. It's good to talk with strangers about this type of stuff because there is always someone out there who has been through it, but really each separate case is completely different from the next. No one really knows either of us or our history and it's tough to describe in a short post. I'll give an update like I said, and thanks again! I'm sorry if my story has offended anyone since it had cheating and betrayal involved. You live and learn, and what you experience can only help you make better decisions in the future, and become a better person. I have work to do on myself, and maybe this is what she was talking about.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

Taking your past history in a compartment, your girlfriend and now a "friend" is diagnosed as bipolar and on medication. She is also attending school. She really needs to focus on herself. Her disorder is very difficult to cope with and can increasing gets worse, given a stressful environment. 

Move on and work on yourself.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*

She is monkey vining.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> She didn't want to be seen as a homewrecker so we kept everything pretty private.


Too late.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> Trust me everyone, I've taken all advice that has been given and I understand that it could be that we're just friends now. I'll check back in a couple months and let people know if they were correct. If anything happens between now and then I'll chime in. It's good to talk with strangers about this type of stuff because there is always someone out there who has been through it, but really each separate case is completely different from the next. No one really knows either of us or our history and it's tough to describe in a short post. I'll give an update like I said, and thanks again! I'm sorry if my story has offended anyone since it had cheating and betrayal involved. You live and learn, and what you experience can only help you make better decisions in the future, and become a better person. I have work to do on myself, and maybe this is what she was talking about.


You don't need to apologize and you don't need to take "all the advice that is given" because some of it is really bad. A lot of people here are miserable and think they are experts. Then there are some who actually read your story and will not be judgmental, and are helpful. 

Good luck man


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Got into a "relationship" during divorce process, need advice regarding new partn*



GuyNextDoor82 said:


> She said she started trying to figure out herself a couple months ago. She really didn't like asking about the divorce because it was uncomfortable for her. *She didn't like my situation at home* so she only really saw me when we would go out and about or when I went to see her.


Wait, does that mean you were living with your wife while you divorced?


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