# 180...



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

What's doing the '180'...mean? 
:scratchhead:

lmao...trying to get the lingo and abbreviations here...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the link in my signature block below for the "180".

That "180" is what is suggested for people who are trying to separate from their spouse.

The 180 is actually a broader term meaning to behave in exactly the opposite from the way you usually behave. It's meant to change your relationship with your spouse. 

It's discussed in the book "Divorce Busting".


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Take a look at the link in my signature block below for the "180".
> 
> That "180" is what is suggested for people who are trying to separate from their spouse.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Ugh! On cell...stuck at area at work no computer...I don't see a 'link'...frustrated! I wanna read it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

let's see if this works...
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Yes! You rock! Thank you!
I also googled it and some stuff came up. Now my guy is passive aggressive. He thrives on that list already...lol as a matter of fact I think he wrote it! Ha! 
I'm so going to try it...but here's the thing...HE chooses not to speak to me or even talk to me. He won't have ONE conversation on the phone about getting his stuff....he's all about text messages...only! Won't see me...won't meet with me...won't communicate. I try and act as happy as I can at work. We don't always 'see' see eachother throughout the night...but we are at the same place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm doing this via cell...4give my many posts...I hate losing sh*t and having to type over..anyway...researching the passive aggressive somehow got me to this forum..this is the type of man I am dealing with. Soo many tell me to be done...or leave him...(he left already)..but let him go. I see I have no choice...in truth I have went and got him 'every damn single time' he's left b4. He's never come home on his own. Yet..when he's home and things were good/normal...were a great couple. Were a very attractive couple also. The guys needs were met in every aspect of our marriage...it was this passive aggressive....he could do nor did any wrong 'sorry' was hardly in his vocabulary...I wrote on another thread some of this...I'm looking for feedback from anyone out there who's deal with a PA that walks out. Leaves a loving beautiful wife. I...don't....get....it. he has 3 kids from a previous marriage high school sweetheart...she left him cos he 'checked out' on her needs...he then dated the same woman on and off 4yrs...got engagged 2b married and STILL wasn't content...he got involved fell in love with me and left the other at the alter 1 month b4 wedding....
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I love him...we were/are extremely attracted to each other. He wanted for nothing in the bed room and out. But when it came for me being sick or injured or finishing projects or 'needing' ...sometimes he was there...but when he wanted to 'check out'...disconnect...he sure sh*t did. Now every text is he wants his 'stuff'..well...he has all his clothes...I'm not ready for gaps of furniture 2b missing from my house yet...he wants his tools etc....yea I got that...but 'im' not ready yet...were barely 2wks out...he's living with his parents for craps sake! He needs none of it! What is his hurry? He says he's not messing around...my gut doesn't tell me he is...and he knows I can check the cell phone bill ...his parents...his mom mostly....would frown on it big time. But I dunno who knows...I didn't do anything to warrant this...I'm not a ***** or a nag...I didn't 'change' in any way...I was a great servant of a wife...my complaints were my needs not being met...I kept giving and giving and giving...and when his kids came over...gawd they sucked the oxygen and life right out of me...him too.
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

He's got 10yr old twins..boy and girl...and 13yr old son from previous marriage...check this out...his daughter...is starting couseling...because my husband had done to her what he's done to his women. Tease her...put her down...encouraged the other boys to laugh and make fun of her..now that she's 10 she has spoken up and now she shows anger and being defiant in her own household. My husband is to blame by his ex wife and his mother...actually my husband AND his PA (passive aggressive) father. This little girl is hurting because of rejection...torment...serious 'daddy issues'...she stopped being over for weekends because she didn't want 2b around him...shed stay at his parents...well...now...HE'S at his parents so on his weekends...she's over there
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like the issues are his. Has not much to do with you. You have no choice right now but to let him go... really.

I agree that the 180 is how you should act towards him right now. Don't talk to him for a while. ignore his txts for a few days.

He can make an appointment to get his 'stuff'. 

You could even put his 'stuff' in the yard and tell him to come pick it up ... one a given date/time. 

What else can you do when a person checks out of a relationship?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Meaning its my husband...his 3 kids...and his parents and the parents house...now the little girl 'has' to be around him...wonder how that's gonna go. His ex said when it comes time for my husband to go to couseling 'with' his daughter he'd better go. He said he would...sh*t...dudes been told he's got communication issues....wonder if he's gonna learn anything. The guy doesn't respect anyone close to him that bears a vagina. I was sooo good to him. I was thicked skinned and dealt with every abuse definition there is...yes I know that also makes me stupid...I got so co dependant...I've never ever been alone. I'm so tired of people telling me how I will find someone else because I'm so...such and such. I'm also tired of hearing "your stonger than you think"...wtf...uh...no...I'm not...let me stab u in the eye with a fork! Cos that's how I feel!
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hey... you watch that fork business!!! LOL

Well he's mess up his own kids. Do you really want to be with a guy who mistreats his own kids? A guy who misteats women (you in particular)?

To avoid being stabbed in the eye with a fork I will not tell you that you can find someone better or that you are stronger than you think... instead I'll tell you are you seem to be surviving this.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Lol...EleGirl...I was mostly getting at my co workers...friends...haha...actually words of encouragement from thoughs that have been or are there is quite different. No fork stabbing for you  
One of the hardest thing I'm dealing with in all this...is...my attraction...my physical attraction toward him. Crazy for him physically. I see him and crave him...I try to divert my eyes..but still come across a pic here and there...he's an extremely attractive man. No matter what ever went on...my heart would skip a beat...I would watch him out the window or at work...and want him nakid. Very in love with him. Sickening isn't it? 
I despreatly need to do the 180 thing...I was the rescuer...fix it...door mat...controlling....needy...co dependant...
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

He's. Glorious to his boys elegirl...takes them everywhere. When he has them they are velvroed to his hip. The boys are glorified athletics...in wrestling...football..
Brace yourself for what I'm going to tell you next...his daughter...3rd yr of volleyball...he's NEVER gone to one practice...or game. Not one. 
He will wrestle and touch and love on the boys...only touches his daughter..hugs her to say goodbye...that's it.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> He's. Glorious to his boys elegirl...takes them everywhere. When he has them they are velvroed to his hip. The boys are glorified athletics...in wrestling...football..
> Brace yourself for what I'm going to tell you next...his daughter...3rd yr of volleyball...he's NEVER gone to one practice...or game. Not one.
> He will wrestle and touch and love on the boys...only touches his daughter..hugs her to say goodbye...that's it.


In my eyes his being glorious to his boys does not exempt him from the abusive father roles. You see he's also abusing his sons in a very subtle way. He's teaching them to mistreat their sister and therefor all women. This is gonna mess up their adult lives.

You say that he has been abusive to you. I can see how this happens. you have excuses for his behaviors... making the good grand and discounting the bad.

Do you know why a person gets into an abusive relationship? It's because they discount their partners bad behavior and glorify the good. They do not have healthy boundaries and put up with anything that is dished out. What becomes the most important thing is that their abusive partner pays attention to them.

I'm sorry but this guy does not sound like someone worth spending you life with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> One of the hardest thing I'm dealing with in all this...is...my attraction...my physical attraction toward him. Crazy for him physically. I see him and crave him...I try to divert my eyes..but still come across a pic here and there...he's an extremely attractive man. No matter what ever went on...my heart would skip a beat...I would watch him out the window or at work...and want him nakid. Very in love with him. Sickening isn't it?


Do you know why you feel this like about him? It’s not because he deserves it. It’s because when you have sex with him your body produces huge amounts of a bonding hormone…oxytocin. 

Oxytocin works on the brain a lot like heroin. Your body learns to associate him with oxytocin production. Once you started to have sex with your body fine-tuned this response so that when you hear his voice, smell him, see him, etc… your body starts to pump out oxytocin.
You are addicted to oxytocin, not to him. 

Oxytocin is a wonderful, natural, drug produced by our bodies. People love it. It’s why affairs happen, why people who are in love act like idiots sometimes (well often). They want their next fix and if they have to put up with an abusive, boorish guy to get that fix… well it’s better than no fix at all.

This is why not sleeping with a person until you know them and have vetted them as a worthy partner is so important…. Do this before allowing them access to truing on your oxytocin production.

And this is why neglected spouses fall out of love.. the oxytocin production stops and then they cannot stand their spouse to touch them.


Stella Moon said:


> I despreatly need to do the 180 thing...I was the rescuer...fix it...door mat...controlling....needy...co dependant...


Yes you do need to do the 180 thing. You need to not see him, hear him, smell him or things about him for some time. It takes about a year for the oxytocin connection to him to be broken.

The shortcut way to do it is to get into an exit affair… reprogram to another person. But that’s dangerous because you could end up with another abusive guy.

I know, where’s the fun in knowing that love is just a chemical addition? Find someone worth of your love.. then it comes a lot more.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Trying to log in on my work pc..won't let me...anyone know why? It says I. Have wrong user name and pass word..but I don't...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Wait...I think I know why...never mind...
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

at work...need to get through this shift...hate this oxytocin crap. I hope i don't run into him again tonight.. i just get so physically ill.. elegirl how do you know so much about that? 
I thought I was just a born bred raging walking horn dog...lol...

I accomplished a lot today...I had to get the yard furniture put away...and get the leaves off of the deck...and no sooner...it's snowing here... I feel like every friggin day I have accomplish some kind of 'goal' to have a purpose...coming to work is the hardest thing... 

he laughs a lot...he's happy...he did this...so he's not sad...and you can tell he's working out hard... he looks great... i hate it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok.. stop thinking about him. 

What is something disgusting and gross... leftovers that have been in the fridge for too long.... so every time you think of him change your thoughts briefly to a container of stew that's been in the fridge for weeks... blah

Now change your thoughts to something very nice.. like a sunny day on your favorite beach... image yoru self sunning, or walking in the waves... feel how good YOU feel doing this.

This is how I change my thought patterns after I found out about my husband's affairs. I was able to stop all the crazy thoughts in my brain by doing associating yucky things with what I did not want to think abou t and wonderful nurturing things that make me feel good.

How do I know about the oxytocin crap? I don't really know all that much. But I'm fascinated with the human body as a chemical engine. It's a field of study that I wanted to go into at one time. So when something like this comes up I read up on it. If I could have a second life that might very well be what I would pursue.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Id start a new thread but I can't see where to do that on my cell. I see he put a bid in to work on a different team which means different shift...different everything. The bid ends dec. 6th...but he's leaving...the only way our marriage worked was to work the same team. Work together otherwise we wouldn't see eachother. So I see his name on the list and I just want to go run and 'fix' this. 'Fix' us. 'Fix' my misery. I want my life back. He would walk out and leave me all the time but when things were good we were soooo good. I just don't get it. This passive aggressive ...'wont take responsibility' thing. Gosh...I'm so distraut and in pain. Can't eat..cant hardly stand 2b at work here. He wears his wedding ring here at work 'for show'...to make like he's a good this but everyone knows he walked out on me..why wear the ring. Positive he don't wear it outside of this place
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

So why wear it here? I know I could look at the cell bill and easily see if he's seeing someone but I'm sooo afraid too...I want too but I don't. Because then what? Chase? I'm so sickened and I just don't get this!
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I want to hate him...I want to hate him for all the mean things he's said and done to me. I want to hate him for walking out on me sooooo many many times and never coming back once on his own. I want to hate him for lack of remorse and not saying sorry. I want to hate him for a roller coaster of a marriage and for not trying and fighting for 'us'...I did everything for him. Took care of him...boosted his ego...wasn't a ***** or a nag. The only time I had complaints was when I couldn't hold back anymore when he mistreated me or neglected my needs...or witheld affection...communication...his walking out...walking away...I just wanted to talk it out so I didn't 'resent' him...but he twisted it into *****ing...so I had to 'sweep it under the rug' like his mom does with his dad...and then I got resentful...and resented his kids and having to take care of them....cos he didn't take care of me....
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I don't know how to do this 180! I'm the weakest person in this forum. I have been co dependant to a verbally emotionally mentally and yes its happened physically abusive man. For MONTHS he was sooo good. So I know he knows how to be a good christian man. He became one. Then he went back...I don't know..it didn't help when he hangs out with his dad. His dad never laid a hand on his mom but his dad does all the mental emotional stuff to his mom...and walks away..doesn't "leave" her...but walks to a different part of the house or out to the 'man cave'.
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm tired. All I want to do is sleep. I can't wait to take my ambien and sleep..and if I wake up I take more or benydryl...to stay asleep. I have a lot of headaches. They put me on 'paxil'...about a week ago...when is that sposed to kick in? I feel like I'm in a consistent state of 'panic'. Anxiety at its worse...I can't just take 'anything' because of my job. I come here and read and have gotten to know you guys actually...but I really need some support. I try and 'act' happy when in his presence here at work...but...I'm dying inside people. I just want to go home and sleep. I just want to go run to him and plead to save myself from this pain. I feel so ill. I go into a room and have no idea why I'm there...every damn thing is a chore and if I accomplished something that day its like a really big deal....wtf!
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The paxil takes a couple of weeks to start showing a difference.

Working with him as to be the pits. Too bad you cannot move to another job right now and get away from him. This is probably the root of a lot of your problems right now. How can you move on when you see him at work all day? IT's almost impossible. It's good that he's getting a job on a different shift.

YOu have to STOP focusing on him. Really that's what's leading to you feeling like you are weak... you are focusing on him. (of course it's hard when to not do this because you see him at work.)

Maybe you can start doing some visualization. Everytime you think of him, shift your thoughts to something unpleasant. Do not let yourself have good thoughts about him. You can stop the rambling thoughts by doing this.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

All night. I work the night shift. It's not just that easy to just shift my thoughts into something 'unpleasant'...I mean your right I do have those rambling thoughts but wtf...he just walked out on me and I can't stop trying to figure out 'why'... aaaagain. Lmao...
I don't understand how 'he' doesn't 'hurt'... wait...why should he hurt when he caused the pain right? 
Lives at his parents house...nice big beautiful house....everything is done for him by mom...more or less... I have a leak under the house....and a plumber coming tomorrow...yea right thanks STBXH...your a real ass...all this is 'my' problem now...I know I sound like a whiner but I'm pissed as hell...he just 'walked away' from sooo much responsibility...you have no idea (I mean I'm sure you do i'm just rambling here)...I wish the physical part of this would get better... I can't eat..I feel icky all the time...when does the appetite come back...I can't go to the gym...I've got no energy after these 12hr night shifts... I used to work out...I just can't do it. I just want to sleep...


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Ele keeps pointing it out, but you are missing it: stop focusing on him. I know it is VERY hard ... I still do it too much also, but way less than I used to because I recognize I'm doing it and it isn't healthy. 

I can also tell you, from experience, knowing "why" won't do much, if anything for you. Last week i got the answers I thought I wanted and I didn't feel any "better" afterwards. 

One piece of advice I can give to anyone in this situation is: develop a crush. Sounds silly, but I mean it. When you have thoughts about a perfect future, use the crush as the person you picture.same goes for fantasies. You'll be surprised how just being around the new crush will take your mind off things and make you feel good. 

The crush doesn't have to (and probably shouldn't) know and, IMO, it should remain innocent; like the crushes you'd have in school when you were young. It's something to occupy your brain and allow you to focus on a good possible future. 

...and when you meet someone more interesting you can always trade a new crush for the old one


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> I'm doing this via cell...4give my many posts...I hate losing sh*t and having to type over..anyway...researching the passive aggressive somehow got me to this forum..this is the type of man I am dealing with. Soo many tell me to be done...or leave him...(he left already)..but let him go. I see I have no choice...in truth I have went and got him 'every damn single time' he's left b4. He's never come home on his own. Yet..when he's home and things were good/normal...were a great couple. Were a very attractive couple also. The guys needs were met in every aspect of our marriage...it was this passive aggressive....he could do nor did any wrong 'sorry' was hardly in his vocabulary...I wrote on another thread some of this...I'm looking for feedback from anyone out there who's deal with a PA that walks out. Leaves a loving beautiful wife. I...don't....get....it. he has 3 kids from a previous marriage high school sweetheart...she left him cos he 'checked out' on her needs...he then dated the same woman on and off 4yrs...got engagged 2b married and STILL wasn't content...he got involved fell in love with me and left the other at the alter 1 month b4 wedding....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




This story sounds like mine, just that switch your H for my W. We have 2 little boys, she says i "checked out" of the marriage. She was engaged when i met her and she broke it off for me! She has a history of running. No PA or EA, just emotianally drained. 

What have i done lately, MOVE ON! It is the best thing for YOU. It has been 2.5 months since she filed the papers and we barely talk, only text, and when we do communicate it is about our kids. Like you we are a very attractive couple, her/I never had a problem finding a date. But you have to work on YOU!

It sounds like he has more problems, especially in the commitment department, than you! My advise is to ignore him, and MOVE ON (or at least for the mean time pretend that you are)


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> She was engaged when i met her and she broke it off for me! She has a history of running.


If she run from him why did you though she'll stay with you ?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I got the co dependent book on here people are talking about on my kindle. So I will start reading it tonight at work... gosh I hate work..yea i should stop focusing on him..I know this ... I hate it...I'm just so tired. Tired and in disbelief. HiRoad I was very committed even through it all...always willing to 'work on it'...he on the other hand...just a runner...wtf.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> If she run from him why did you though she'll stay with you ?


...ppfffttt.....'and'....as for my STBXH...left a girl at the alter for me...what made me think he would stay with me...HA! ...

oh...and the walking out on me....yea...cos I didn't have a clue then either...:scratchhead: ....I hate the 'dumb' part of me...

this just sucks...


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> ...ppfffttt.....'and'....as for my STBXH...left a girl at the alter for me...what made me think he would stay with me...HA! ...
> 
> oh...and the walking out on me....yea...cos I didn't have a clue then either...:scratchhead: ....I hate the 'dumb' part of me...
> 
> this just sucks...



I'm sorry Stella , he'll walk on that other girl too. 

However.

One day he'll fail in deep love with a girl and guess what ? He'll find his a$$ here !

It is called Karma and I believe in it


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Reading this co dependancy book...all these scenarios about alcoholics...my husband isn't an alcoholic..he's got passive aggrssive issues...yes I'm codependant...but not to an alcoholic..its hard to relate to some of this...a bit discouraged at buying the book...
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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Never mind....I spoke too soon...this is some good stuff hey...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

These books sometimes seem to try to cover some overall issues. I've read through a few, like the one you're reading now. no, I didn't purchase because of money. 6 Months ago I had $36,000 (built a haunted house, our problems caused it to fail) today I have $36!

So I would've bought it had I not bought the others. 

Something I can tell you, when you find yourself NOT reading the book so much, go back and read it again. To me anyways, when I'm upset, it seems I forget a lot about what the book was saying. So it helped me a lot to read it again.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

divorce busters is another recommended read also right? 

I have to get ready to go to work...I hate that..I have these anxiety panic attack type things...my heart races and i just feel so sick. I don't even want to go...when i'm there it takes hours just to calm down.. I can't even think...I hear him..and see him and it kills me. I hate that he's moving to another team.. it's just so 'final'...no marriage can work on two different teams...so that's just a BIG friggin FU in my face...it just blows my mind..it's just so hard to go to work. I hate this anxiety stuff though. I've lost weight I had no business losing. I can't remember the last meal i've finished. I force myself to eat but never ever finish...I can't taste anything. This sucks. I hate this tired all the time feeling...

I realized you can post albums here on our profile...I did post some pics I always think it's nice to put faces with names on occasion even though my real name is not stella moon of course...but what the hell.. I wanted to post a pic of me and my STBXH....but as soon as i seen them i get that physical rush of sorrow... these 'physical' symptoms need to STOP! WHEN DOES THAT GO AWAY??? Why can't i GET MAD??? I want to get mad!!! Not feel so victimized...I'm tired of this... 

This is payday...I need to contact him 'via text' is the only way he will communicate with me at first I didn't like it but now it's fine with me but I need to pay some bills and use his account...he's never happy on pay day... I guess I should be 'grateful' he still 'lets me' use 'his money' to pay the bills...since he's living for free at his mommy and daddys...while he's got them taking care of him... 

thanks you guys... I tossed a pic up of my great dane..he's pretty grand... I have a little poodle...and a parrot and a cat..didn't post their pics tho..yet...lol...but they all the family I got here at the lake... 

Again...thank you...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

wait..divorce busters is about 'saving your marriage' right...well..he's gone...and won't communicate...so ...that's not an option..


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Ya, I also found divorce busters to be useless to me. There was only a few pages that were applicable at all for someone who is already separated and whose spouse is cheating.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Divorce remedy is a good book !

helps allot and if I find a strategy to have me STBXW to read it ... I'll be golden .


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