# Turning down the emotional thermostat



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Guys, a situation for you.

You do something to upset your wife. There is no malice intended, rather it is something selfish on your part. It is something which has come up numerous times before, you acknowledge it is selfish and not fair or nice, and apologised, yet it has happened again.

Your wife has reacted in various ways in the past. Sometimes you have had the v. passive aggressive silent treatment and narky comments, other times she has exploded in a fit of rage, other times she has calmly tried to talk to you about why it upsets her, feels that it disrespects her.

Now, this time she takes a different tack. You face her, fully expecting the silent treatment or an argument. However, she "mans up", starts switching down the emotional thermostat from the "warm" she usually is to a lot cooler. She is happy in herself, responds courteously when you speak to her but otherwise doesn't invest in conversation or affection.

You're not sure- has she forgiven you? You're talking, albeit to do with something about the kids, she's sat on the floor with them and you reach down basically to cop a feel... She tells you where to get off, and explains that in order for things to relax, you need to acknowledge and apologise for your behaviour. You spout out some obviously insincere apology for the sake of apologising, she carries on as is.

This is me and OH at the mo. I'm sick of this recurring issue, the what it is isn't the problem so much as how it gets dealt with. I am not a confrontational person, and have engaged in passive aggressive behaviour, which only serves to create and maintain a bad atmosphere and leads to resentment. He turns that back around on me. The only time he seems to stop in his tracks is when I lose it and start almost shouting how what he is doing is disrespecting me, he jumps up because it is *so* unlike me to act like that. However he continues his behaviour. Is how I am responding now, as above, going to change the dynamic at all? I can see the benefits but what's to say he's not going to apologise, albeit sincerely, then do it again next week? How do you tackle stuff like this? Do you keep on with the "cool" behaviour? When do you draw the line?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The very definition of insanity is to do the same thing time and again and expect different results.

So, what do you have to lose?


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