# Can Anyone Help to Offer Insight?



## Mmdog60 (Apr 3, 2014)

So I've posted some things about my life on here before .....your replies have been helpful, amusing, and necessarily brutally honest...Past posts have Mainly been about staying the course with a long term girlfriend (3 years) or considering reconciliation with a cheating spouse (since divorced). Overwhelmingly the feedback from my friends here at TAM recommended that I should not look back and to forge on in developing this relationship with my girl friend. Well I did just that, but it has ended disastrously and she has moved out of my home. In doing so she has left a LIST IF THINGS (...demands) she does not like which I'll try to explain to you right now. The list......

1) I decided it was time to ring shop for the girl friend. In doing so I was caught by my girl friend shopping in a jewelry store. Rather than lie, I fessed up and told her why I was there and decided to incorporate her in the ring selection process to get ideas of what she would like. That day, That was the last she heard me speak about a ring (this was in June). After that, I actually ordered a ring and have been making payments on that she is unaware of that. My plan was to give her the ring in the spring on our fourth anniversary of dating (at the spot where we had actually met) Well she has badgered me (not in a joking or playful) non stop about a ring since she caught me in the jewelry store. Yelling at me as to why I have stopped talking about it (ring) etc....(her not knowing I purchased one). At any rate her behaviors about a ring have caused me to think - hell no I do not want to marry someone like that. This has caused a major strain on us. So that is one problem. Is her behavior normal? She has essentially totally ruined my planning (I had planned for a photographer to be hidden in woods nearby, etc.) of this event to eventually ask her to marry me.

2) Next, in cleaning out the attic of my house, she found a box of keepsakes of mine that dated back to high school and lasted through my marriage ....20 years worth of "stuff". In it were old notes from past girlfriends, and many cards from my ex wife (we were married for nearly 20 years). This flipped my girlfriend out and pushed her over the edge. She threw much of the stuff away while I was at work ...shredded it so I'm not sure what I even had... and even had tossed away a card my then young daughter wrote to me years back (girlfriend claims this was an accident). She also discovered a birthday card from my ex and my 3 kids signed in 2012...I was separated from ex in 2012 and dating girlfriend in 2012 so this further infuriated her causing her to ask why I held onto it (from kids too). The fact of me having a tote of keepsakes was the final cause of the termination of our relationship and her moving out. So am I wrong to have this box of stuff or should I have thrown it out long before she found it. About a year ago we found a similar box of hers and she threw it all away to which I told her not to and was sad for her that she did. Of course she threw that in my face when she discovered my tote.

3) My ex used to text me non stop ...many times sending Picts of herself or requesting I give her a second chance, to reconcile, saying sorry, etc. Out of respect for my girl friend, I would never respond to my ex unless it was a kid related issue. I always explained to my girlfriend that this did not bother me. However, my girlfriend said this bothered her and demanded I block her. Instead of blocking her I got an app that simply tosses the ex text in trash and I do not even know I receive them. It's pretty slick actually. Anyway I have not looked at one text from ex since mid June ...honoring the girlfriend. However, the girlfriend looks at my phone bill daily, she sees my ex still sends me stuff (I never see it on my phone) the only way I know is bc my girlfriend keeps telling me. Now the girlfriend is to the point of sending me screen shots of my phone bill and says "I do not believe you are not getting her messages otherwise she would stop sending them" to which I say, "I do not care what she sends, I can only control my actions, plus can't you see that there are no outgoing messages back to my ex?" Well girlfriend is demanding an official BLOCK of the ex (my ex will actually get a message saying I will not accept her communication) to show her (girlfriend) that I love her. I said that I would not do that bc it would make the situation too adversarial and my ex and I are still trying to raise 3 kids together. Plus my kids would be very hurt if I did that to their mom. Opinions anyone?

4). I have 3 siblings, we were all married (I am the only divorcee) and had children. For our parents 50th wedding anniversary we all had individual family portraits taken of each family and professionally framed to give to our parents as a gift. This was done while I was still married. These family portraits hang in my parents living room ... Including the portrait of me and my now divorced wife with our 3 kids. My girlfriend said recently to have some balls and tell my 80 year old parents to remove the picture of my family bc she is no longer my wife and the picture is insulting to the girlfriend every time she visits there. I told her that she worries about dumb stuff and that I was not going to stress my elderly parents over her demands. Oh boy did she go bananas!


In all these cases she says these are examples that show I do not love her. I tell her daily that I do love her, but she says she wants action with the examples I have shared above. 
So I ask all of your opinions about these things that have all climaxed in the last few weeks in my home. Am I wrong or insensitive or is it her? Are these thoughts and wishes she has unrealistic?

Help??? Opinions???


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

She has moved out and you two broke up? WHat exactly is the question?

If you are broken up and have no plans to get back with her, then none of this should be an issue. Unless I am reading it wrong and you want to make up and get back together?


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

What a horrible woman. Consider yourself lucky she left. And, consider yourself doubly lucky you didn't give her the ring. Geezzzzz, she'd have made your life a living hell if you'd made the ultimate mistake and actually married her. Phew! Close one.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

You want my opinion? In my eyes your better off without your girlfriend. She seems a little controlling. And slightly crazy.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

DO NOT MARRY THAT WOMAN

She is childish and I would get as far away from her as possible. You actions were fine. You have children with yiur EX, so you can't just toss her to the side like a like you would a high school girlfriend. If she wants to leave, I would not only let her. I would hold the door open. 

You obviously thought about getting back with your EX, are there feelings there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I read of a story once where the husband and wife kept a "wall of memories" in their office. Both the husband and wife had been widowed from long marriages and were remarried. 

The wall of memories included pictures of each of their respective spouses, families, children of those marriages etc. on either side of the wall. In the center, they proudly displayed the pictures from their new marriage together. 

I realize that's not for everyone but I do think it was a pretty mature and loving thing for them to do for each other and to honour their deceased spouses and the children/grandchildren of their past marriages. I thought it was beautiful. 

Although divorced, I don't think when you divorce you need to get rid of everything - especially when you have children. Memories are important. To keep a picture, a gift, or a card you got in the past doesn't have to mean that you're still hanging on or longing for the past.

I still have a sweater and wear the sweater that an ex bought for me. It's still in style, fits me still and still looks new after all of these years. My spouse knows it's from an ex and it doesn't bother him. When I wear it I'm not longing for the past, I kept it all of these years because I like it. My spouse also has a little box of mementos. It really isn't a big deal to me. I don't get jealous of things that he did/relationships had from a time we never knew each other. He doesn't seem to either. Our relationship has also outlived any past serious relationship we ever had. We also talk about past experiences without either getting jealous about it.

I think the loss of this relationship, while painful may be a blessing in disguise. The nagging about the ring, getting angry etc. when you're trying to surprise her is a bit of a warning sign for things that will come in the future.

Throwing away your things - even if she didn't agree with you keeping them was crossing the line. Who is she to impose her will on you and make unilateral decisions for you? You're a grown man. You didn't tell her to toss out her things, she made that choice on her own. It sounds like her tossing out her things was a covert contract in getting you to throw away yours and when you didn't she flipped.

Wanting a boundary and transparency with the ex is reasonable but since you're co-parenting, it is reasonable to expect to forgo all communications. 

I don't know, your (ex?) girlfriend sounds controlling and jealous to me. Very "my way or the highway". Both people's feelings, needs and desires are important. She seems to think only hers are. I know you miss her but you may have just dodged a bullet here. Relationships are about teamwork and compromise, not lording over another. IIWY, I wouldn't go back, unless you enjoy the idea of being bossed around for the rest of your life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just a few words to let you know, in no uncertain terms, where you stand:

1) *Bat sh*t crazy girlfriend*

2) *Borderline Personality Disorder*... am I a shrink? Nope, but she is one NASTY bpd-er.

3) Quit wallowing in your own codependent self-pity. Go to counseling and find out why you are hanging on to a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.

4) RUN FOR THE HILLS AS FAST AS YOU CAN. AND CONGRATULATE YOURSELF THAT YOU DIDN'T GIVE HER THAT RING, GET MARRIED, OR GET HER PREGGERS!!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Just a few words to let you know, in no uncertain terms, where you stand:
> 
> 1) *Bat sh*t crazy girlfriend*
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Your girlfriend is nuts. Since she already moved out, your problems are now over. Can you return the ring? If you marry her, then YOU are even crazier than her.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

Her behavior is unreasonable and I think you are better off without her. You are fortunate she moved out imo.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yeah - you are well rid of her. These were all unreasonable ways of responding. For future reference with a more secure gf:

1. I would want a choice in my wedding ring so wouldn't ever recommend making it a surprise. If we were looking at rings together, no decision was made and then you refused to talk about it I would wonder if you were now getting cold feet. 

2. Keepsakes from past relationships are reasonable, especially kept in a box out of sight, but I think the situation warrants some compassion. She finds them and if she's a reasonable person, might ask you why you keep them and you sensitively explain that you keep things from the past to remind you of good things but they in no way mean you want to go back to that person or that life. 

3. I think it would be reasonable for you to ask your parents to take down the picture of you and your xw considering the point at which you were at in your relationship with the gf. 

So, the points of conflict are understandable points of conflict, but the degree to which she felt threatened by them is extreme.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's her.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Good riddance I say, demanding little princess wasn't she.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think your ex is unable to cope with the fact that you have a past, you have children, you have an ex wife. Of course there should be boundaries between you and your ex wife and you should have talked to her about the inappropriate texts and asked her to stop. That's a failing on your part, and I think not a little cowardly really.

As for the rest, you've had the warning signs now, if you pursue the relationship, be it on your head the consequences. She has shown a lack of consideration and respect in destroying your keepsakes without your consent. This isn't a one off thing, this is a part of who she is. She has shown a lack of maturity in her blow up over the ring. Again, accept that this is a part of who she is.

I think that you need to sort out the situation with your ex wife before even moving forward in a relationship with anyone else and I think the ex GF should remain an ex, but that's just my opinion.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I see her side too.

Your ex is a big part of your life even after divorce. Your girlfriend doesn't like it. It's not her idea of an ideal marriage. She did the right thing by leaving.

There are probably other women willing to accept the challenges of living with a guy whose ex has a presence in his life due to kids and other stuff.

Based on your past posts, you're clearly not completely over your ex. Don't lie to yourself. Your girlfriend sees this and couldn't take it anymore.

Her behavior is quite crappy though. I wouldn't marry her.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Dump this women now! She is likely a bunny boiler.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mmdog... are you coming back to read all this good advice?

This appears to be another OP "drive by" post... in and out!

I hope he read the responses...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can see her side, though the way she expressed her upset is not cool.

From her perspective, you were shopping for rings together and then all of a sudden, all talk of marriage stopped. Just like that. I too would wonder wtf was going on - but I would simply ask too, lol.

Her expecting you to not communicate at all with your ex wife is completely unreasonable, given that you have children together. That's ridiculous. 

If I found a box of keepsakes from my husbands ex wife (not his daughter) I too would feel a little funny about it, but I wouldn't throw them away, oh now way!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I guess i do not understand what type of mind game you enjoy playing. If you are throwing out the texts without reading them, that is virtually the same as blocking her texts. So, why not just block the texts and make your GF happy?

The answer is you want to tweak your new GF, show her you are boss man or something. So, she responded properly by saying F.U.


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