# No clue on what to do!!!



## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

I've been visiting this forum for a couple of months now and thought I would jump on in. My story is I have been married for almost 12 years, I was always happy for the most part, sure we had our arguments from time to time but I was happy. we have a son that is about to turn 10 and a daughter who is 6.
My wife has been unhappy at times and told me at different times that she didn't feel like there was any communication between us and she said I wasn't there for her emotionally. This last January she said we needed to talk and she informed me that I needed to find someplace to live, that we needed to separate. I talked to her and said that is not what I wanted and said I could do better, after about a week she agreed to me not moving out. I thought things were going fine and she even commented to me that she told one of the girls she works with that I was doing alot better and that I really seem to be listening to her and paying more attention to her.

I early march she was planning a trip the weekend of may 1st to run a marathon with her sister, she wanted me to go. I told her I would like to go, but I couldn't because I couldn't take off work the Friday before and Monday after the marathon. Plus my son was in a baseball tournament that weekend and I help coach his team and I would also have my daughter. She got really mad at me because I wasn't going to go with her. we got through that, so I thought. She gets real bad anxiety when she flies, so a couple days before she left we were talking in bed and she said she was starting to get nervous about flying to California for the marathon. I asked her about her flights and tried to calm her saying that this flight will only be a couple of hours and that flight will only be an hour and a half, she says I know but I'm still nervous. I say just think about how much fun the "big sur marathon will be for you." She bites my head off saying why do you say it like that "big sur, big sur" I said is that not the name of the marathon and she says yes but you don't have to say it like that. I got mad and walked into the living room for a while then went back to bed. She called me at work the day she left and said she was sorry for the other night and that she loved me and there were some things we still need to work on, I told her I loved her too and agreed. I talked and texted her a few times while she was gone and I could tell there was something wrong. I picked the kids up early on monday so they would be there when she got home. when she got home the kids ran and hugged her and I gave her a hug, but she was cold as ice. we walk in the house and she went to lay down and I walked in the bedroom and she said we need to talk, you need to find a place. I begged pleaded and everything else for a week but no give, she said she neede space, so I rented an apartment. Was there for a week and she called and said we needed to talk, so I went by there and she said she was scheduling an appointment with a mediator that she wanted a divorce. 

I work an odd shift schedule, one month of nights and then one month of days, so we told the kids I was living in the apartment so I can sleeep during the day when I work nights, my son cried and said he didn't want me to live anywhere else. I teared up and she gave me a look from satan himself and said I was going to have to controll myself.

We went to the mediator and split everything including the kids 50/50. She filed in June and our last court date is early November. We have done some things together with the kids, like a family vacation, but I don't know how to act towards her. when we were on the vacation a couple of weeks ago I didn't say a whole lot to her and she said in front of the kids " I know you usually don't say much, but the silence is defining, this only confirms everything." my son looked at me and said he has been talking. She shot back at him that he needed to stay out of the conversation. We went to the WWE wrestling a couple weeks ago together and at dinner before the event my stbxw aked my son what he wanted for his birthday and he said " my dad to move back home." She snapped back as cold and mean as I have ever heard " well that's not gonna happen, so if you want something you better think of something else". 

I'm sorrry for such a long post I just don't know who this person is, she would have never said anything like the things she is saying to the kids now. after she said that to my son about his birthday she went to the bathroom and my son says to me "she's not always like this" and I said like what, and he said like this, she is only like this when we are all together. I'm wondering if she just tries to be in a bad mood or tries to start arguments in front of the kids to justify to them that that is why the divorce is happening, that mom and dad argue too much to stay together?


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

I tried to keep the original post as short as I could, But I just wanted to add I love my wife and want my family together. I told her I would do whatever it takes for that to happen. She says she notices the changes in me towards the kids and it makes her even madder. I wasn't a bad dad before but I'll admit I am a better dad now. I guess losing your family really does change you. but as she says too little too late.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Man I hate to hear your going through this. Hang tight and Im sure someone will be by that can give better advice than I would be able too.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

thanks Lost, Just last week I went over to the house to mow the yard and she came home and we talked a little and she actually said " it wasn't a bad marriage" I thought to myself then why is it ending?


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You need to treat her how she is treating you. Show nothing but love, compassion and kindness to your kids. But to quote shakespeare, "But screw your courage to the sticking place" when it comes to her. Be as cold as you can, and make sure she knows there is a change. She isn't in a place to hear you requests to save anything. She's committed to a course and now you have a choice. Be a nice guy or be a guy. A nice guy is going to let her walk all over them and take what she wants on the way out. I recommend against that course. Instead be the strong confident person that attracted her in the first place. It may not win her over but neither is letting her put steel cleats in your back.

If this were someone else what would your advice to them be? Do that. 

GearHead


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

thanks gearhead, the last time we were all together she looked at me and asked why I was in a good mood so much lately? I asked if she wanted me to be in a bad mood? she said it just looked so fake. I said if my being in a good mood was any indication that this is what I wanted, that wasn'y the case but I have no control over what is happening and I'm dealing with it the best I can. She says it makes her even madder that she couldn't bring out the good in me. I agree with you gearhead on she is committed to the coarse, it's like a racehorse with blinders on racing to the finish and the kids feelings or mine are going to keep her from getting there.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

A couple of things. Why should you move out????? If she wants a divorce, she can pack her crap and find and apartment.

Secondly, it is very probable there is someone else, any clues there? 

I would read up on 180 and be happy and indiferent.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

That was my first mistake, moving out. she actually said to me if you dont move out I am. I should have let her. But I had no clue it was going to crumble this fast. I moved out 2nd week of may and 3rd week of may went to mediator. 

someone else was one of the first things I asked, she said no. her sister and brother-in-law said no. and I really don't think there was because I think he would have surfaced by now or I think she would have told me to be honest. she likes to throw the divorce in my face alot and tell me what a screw up I am and how I caused this whole mess.

I work nights sometimes so I have to sleep during the day, last night I called to see if I could get the kids today after work and she said no, why don't I go back to sleeping all day and see the kids for 15 minutes before I go to work. 

I think she is seeing that I am doing better, so now she is going to try and hurt me with the kids.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

locard, I have been looking at the 180 and trying to adhere to it, the last couple of times we have been together I have smiled and laughed a little. The first time she said that it was all fake to her and if it was real that it was the happiest she had seen me in ten years.(so overdramatic) then the next time she asked why I was in such a good mood lately and that it just makes her even madder because she couldn't bring out the best in me.

One day she will say I treated her like dog crap then the next time she says I was just nothing but a stump in the relationship. so which is it I treated her like crap or was nothing?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sounds like she is trying to keep herself upset with you for some reason. Just keep your head up and dont give into none of BS. And if she says there is not another man around that dont mean nothing women will lie about that and swear they are telling the truth. I feel sorry for you because I know kind of what your going through.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Hmm...I don't know.

If she is constantly at you about how bad you have been, there is a lot of guilt there. She is doing it to make herself feel better. I'd be curious why. Think about your normal day to day interactions. We usually gloss over the shortcomings in our spouses, but now that she has had enough, it is constantly in your face. She knows it hurts you. She wants you to be miserable because she is. As they would say on In Living Color, "Hommie, Don't play that." If she says that it is fake, just look at her and laugh. Explain that this isn't what you want, but you've done everything you can and feel good about where this is going because you know it is for the best. I'm sure she'll love that! 

If it isn't another man could it be another woman? :O


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## bromhexine (Sep 5, 2011)

I'd be interested in hearing her point of view. You seem to be the perfect father and husband. I'm not sure what it is with people these days they just demand more and more and in the end they're alone and unhappy. I guarantee whoever she ends up with won't be as good for her as you were and I hope to god she realizes it. As for you theres not much to do just enjoy your life and the opportunity to meet someone better - which shouldnt be that difficult.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

lost, I think she tries to be in a bad mood and start arguements in front of the kids to justify her decisions in their eyes(mom and dad can't be together because we argue) but it is always her doing the argueing and my son picks up on it. we were over at the house the other day because the kids wanted to stop and say hi, and she started to kinda ridicule me about a hitting lesson for my son, he immediately jumped up and said "lets go".

Gear, I called just a moment ago to ask if I could pick up the kids and she said it again, "your fake personality is repulsive", and I just laughed and said what on earth are you talking about. she said your fake cheery persoanality. I am in IC and I said the same thing to my counselor that in todays times it could be another woman. I really don't think so, but hey you never know.

Brom, I don't want it to sound like I did nothing wrong in our marriage, but there was never any screwing around, drinking, or drugs. I could have shown more love and appreciation to her and my kids. I wasn't perfect by any means but in my mind not a deal breaker.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

You just need to keep down the path. Dont rise to the bait and focus only on what you can control. People lash out to try get a rise out of someone so that they feel they can hurt you. Maybe she is trying to see if she can still get any kind of reaction out of you because the "new" you isnt someone she recognizes. Dont fall for it, be honest and have minimal conversations if you can help it unless they are appropriate (ie kids, money etc)


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hey bow. Do what SOD said. She is definately trying to get to you and see if she can ruffle any feathers because if she can she knows you still have those feelings. Dont fall for it. And dont be suprised if she doesnt have a friend and she is trying to stay angry at you to justify her actions in her own mind. Keep your head up and moving forward.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Lostouthere said:


> Hey bow. Do what SOD said. She is definately trying to get to you and see if she can ruffle any feathers because if she can she knows you still have those feelings. Dont fall for it. And dont be suprised if she doesnt have a friend and she is trying to stay angry at you to justify her actions in her own mind. Keep your head up and moving forward.


:iagree:


Keep doing what your doing....


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Hang in there, brother. You will probably never understand the "Why" of it. Look on the bright side. The days are getting shorter, the weather is getting cooler. Soon, it will be time to be in the woods. If you're like me, the time in the woods dwindled to practically nothing once you married her. I am separated and working on a divorce. This year, I will be back in the woods a lot more.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Hang in there. Do not let HER dictate when you can see the kids. The next time she says NO and does not have a good reason, remind her of this. Do not use them as a pawn per say, but she is not the sole arbitor of this unless there is some legal seperation agreement.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

hunting, I went on the best dove hunt I have ever been on last thursday, It felt good to get out. Oct 1st opening day of deer hunting can't get here soon enough.

locard, we have an agreement through a mediator and because of my job when I am on the day shift I have to be at work at 6:00am so on my days to have them I have to take them home the night before or I would have to get them up at 5:00am. The reasonable person would say since I have to take them home a night early then I should get them a night early. but I'm not dealing with a rational person at this moment.


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## bromhexine (Sep 5, 2011)

Good luck. We're all here for you. May your love for the children keep you strong. (Advice I try to take for myself.)


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