# how to get introvert to talk



## sanborn (Sep 3, 2011)

My wife is a self-described introvert. But she does want to talk, and once she gets rolling she lets it all out. Our problem is the talk is too infrequent, and often comes when she explodes and blames me for not talking with her sooner.

I need techniques to get her to talk every day. If I just ask her how she feels, she gets mad because I haven't put any thought into starting a conversation. She wants me to initiate conversations, because she really needs to express herself and doesn't spontaneously. If we just talk about mundane, practical stuff, that doesn't count with her. It has to reach her feelings.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She sounds like a Fitness Test Factory.



sanborn said:


> My wife is a self-described introvert. But she does want to talk, and once she gets rolling she lets it all out. Our problem is the talk is too infrequent, and often comes when she explodes and blames me for not talking with her sooner.
> 
> I need techniques to get her to talk every day. If I just ask her how she feels, she gets mad because I haven't put any thought into starting a conversation. She wants me to initiate conversations, because she really needs to express herself and doesn't spontaneously. If we just talk about mundane, practical stuff, that doesn't count with her. It has to reach her feelings.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

First of all, tell her that you love her very much, but you are not a mind reader. Tell her that resentments kill love, and you need her to tell you when she is angry about something.

Next, determine what her love language is. The five are:

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

If she feels loved by you in a way that she appreciates, she will be more likely to open up to you.

Be playful with her, touch her arm throughout the day, stay connected with sincere compliments. She is being immature by expecting you to read her mind, and you should let her know that you want to meet her needs, but she has to communicate them to you.


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## sqazm (Sep 3, 2011)

Fellow introvert here (male, so my perspective may be different). 

For me to open up, someone really has to draw me out. Usually an open ended question like "What's on your mind?" or "How was your day?" is not enough. Similarly, asking me yes/no good/bad type questions will get a pretty minimal response. What you have to do is ask something, WAIT (because how will we know what we think unless we think about it?), let us answer, and then wait some more because we might have more to say. Keep asking questions, drawing us out; we typically have a lot to say but won't tell you unless you specifically ask. 

A typical process for me might go something like:
Wife: How was work?
Me: Eh, it was ok.
Wife: What'd you do?
Me: I had a meeting with S and B at work today.
Wife: Oh? What did you guys talk about?
Me: (yadda yadda yadda, boring work stuff we talked about in the meeting).
_In my head, I have a lot of opinions on what we talked about, why I think it's a good/bad idea, how things could be improved, what I think of S and B in general, how their actions are typical of people at my job, the funny thing I just now remembered they did earlier, ...you get the idea. I won't tell my wife any of this of course unless she specifically asks. It's not that I don't want to, believe me I do. That's just how we introverts are._

Another thing you could do, if the things she wants to discuss are serious (ie, relationship related stuff), set up a specific time/date to talk about it. We introverts don't really like being put on the spot (how will we know what we think unless we think about it?), so giving us a specific time/date lets us prepare. Myself, I am very logical and think in terms of lists and Pros/Cons. Sometimes I physically write out lists, but often I just do it in my head. 

Remember that our brain works much faster than our mouths. Ask a question, WAIT, let us respond, then wait some more. This also goes for general discussion. There are lots of times when I'd like to add my opinion to a conversation but there's just no space and I won't talk over someone else. Pause longer than you think. 

If you want, confirm all of what I typed with your wife. I wonder how close the male introvert thought process is with the female introvert's. 

/2c


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## 40cal (Sep 2, 2011)

try texting. It takes the edge of the conversation sometimes and helps you better focus your thoughts.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

sqazm said:


> Fellow introvert here (male, so my perspective may be different).
> 
> For me to open up, someone really has to draw me out. Usually an open ended question like "What's on your mind?" or "How was your day?" is not enough. Similarly, asking me yes/no good/bad type questions will get a pretty minimal response. What you have to do is ask something, WAIT (because how will we know what we think unless we think about it?), let us answer, and then wait some more because we might have more to say. Keep asking questions, drawing us out; we typically have a lot to say but won't tell you unless you specifically ask.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am a male introvert as well and concur entirely with this post!


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds about right to me. My problem is that there's usually so much going on in my head that I'm not sure what I should respond with so it's usually something simple and stupid sounding.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

sanborn said:


> My wife is a self-described introvert. But she does want to talk, and once she gets rolling she lets it all out. Our problem is the talk is too infrequent, and often comes when she explodes and blames me for not talking with her sooner.
> 
> I need techniques to get her to talk every day. If I just ask her how she feels, she gets mad because I haven't put any thought into starting a conversation. She wants me to initiate conversations, because she really needs to express herself and doesn't spontaneously. If we just talk about mundane, practical stuff, that doesn't count with her. It has to reach her feelings.


Learn how to be a ventriloquist?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Put your tongue in his/her ear?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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