# Desperate, need out:(



## roxygirl96 (Dec 11, 2009)

Where do I begin? First off, I have been married for 10years, but with my husband for 11years. It hasn't always been easy, in fact, it really never has. The first time I wanted to leave my husband was back in 2002 or 2003. We now have two small children, and the feeling of leaving is stronger now then ever. We went and saw a counselor in 2006 through a church, due to me wanting to leave him then. A day doesn't go by when I want to leave him. I have mentioned going to get help numerous times, and still willing, but he isn't. I am so far gone with this, that I believe no counseling will help us. We have been through death, miscarriage, disowning family, bankruptcy, and "moving" 10 times in 10years. I can't take anymore, I want out. I no longer feel love for him, and it's turned into hate. Sadly, I know he feels the same in some way, he denies it. The reason I haven't left already is one, my children, second, I believe he may hurt himself. He too, has struggled with depression, due to losing his job, and unemployed for almost a year. I have visions of my life without him, but they are only distant dreams. I am stuck, and need help What to do?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

That's a lot to deal with, for anyone. What do you think would happen if you insist on him getting help for his depression?


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## desoloamo (Dec 11, 2009)

There are two main things in this that I want to address starting with the children. I'm sure you've heard it before but I'm going to say it anyway. When two people stay together and make a commitment to getting help and rebuilding their marriage into something healthier for everyone involved then that's one thing. But when two people make an unspoken pact to stay together and essentially torture each other because they have some misguided notion that the children will benefit then somewhere along the way you've both lost your perspective. It's far better to show your children that you are not willing to settle for less than what you deserve than it is to teach them to remain in toxic relationships at the sacrifice of your own happiness and individuality. Just ask yourself... would you want either of your children in your situation to stay or to walk away and do better for themselves? No matter what you -think- children will do what you DO and not what you SAY. That is one rule of life you can take to the bank and bet your life on. What kind of example would you be setting for your little ones if you stay. What will you teach them by leaving? Those lessons will have a far greater impact on them in the longrun than the issue of whether or not you want them growing up in a broken home.

The second thing I want to address is your belief that he could hurt himself. I'm currently married to a man who for years threatened to kill himself. Every fight we had, every time I stated that I wanted to leave, he made a promise that he'd die soon after I walked out the door. He's made several attempts at suicide even before I met him according to him. I finally got sick of it one night. I brought him a bottle of pills and a knife and handed it to him and told him to go have fun. I told him I didn't give a **** anymore and whatever he chose to do was his decision and in no way my fault so if he felt like that's what he wanted to do then just make sure he didn't leave a mess for me to clean up.

Brutal, I know. But my 16 year old brother killed himself five years ago and his constant mention of suicide was not only childish and stupid but it was below the belt for me. And guess what... it worked. That was almost a year ago and he hasn't brought it up since. I truly believe that people who make such threats are using it to manipulate people in their lives. The ones who really mean it rarely ever give such long and drawn out warnings and if he really does mean it then it's a cry for help and he should be open to the possibility of therapy. At the end of the day what it really boils down to is it is not your problem. Once you walk out that door he is no longer your problem. His choices are his to make and you can't hold yourself responsible for them and neither can you allow yourself to be shackled to a situation you don't want because you're afraid of what stupid thing he might do to himself. As callous as it sounds I finally got to a point in my life where I threw my hands up and said to myself, "Whatever. Let him do it if that's what he wants. I can't stop him." And that's the truth. If he really wants to hurt himself he's going to do it whether you leave him or not. It's just going to take one good push. And you can't be blamed for it, sugar.

So in the question of whether or not to leave him you can't rightfully consider your children as a factor unless you're considering that staying might not be the best thing for them and you can't consider his depression as a factor because you need to worry about you and those kids first and foremost. 

I hope this at least helped to give you a little bit of clarity on the matter. Good luck.


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