# Boyfriend moves so slowly



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

After 1 year of dating, my BF hadn't said "I love you." Says this was because he's never even said it to his own dad, let alone any girl he's dated, & wasn't ready. He Finally gave me his apartment key after 1 year. at first he said he's religiously opposed to living together, but I wanted to. now, he apparently has been looking for fancy apts for us to move in togeter. But he says "I'm concerned even that won't make you happy, bc you seem to just want to get married. I'm not there yet, but I do want to have a family with you/marry you & I wish you'd trust that yes I'll propose when the moment is right. But I feel like you want it right now & there's no other way to make you happy." I said, "if you care about me then yes, I'd think you'd want to buy me a ring & get engaged, as something YOU want too." He said, "I don't just care about you, I love you." (First time he'd ever said that out loud to anyone before other than his sister, which was only once ever.) Should I just relax?


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

After 1 year you're pushing him to get married?


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

No, I'd just like to get engaged around 2 years, he doesn't necessarily disagree but just thinks you "know" when you're ready & the moment is right & doesn't like being pressed to a specific timeline & says of course this is leading to marriage but why not "enjoy the ride," he says he thought moving in together would be the next step before marriage but now he is doubtful even that will make me happy bc it's "not enough"


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> No, I'd just like to get engaged around 2 years, he doesn't necessarily disagree but just thinks you "know" when you're ready & the moment is right & doesn't like being pressed to a specific timeline & says of course this is leading to marriage but why not "enjoy the ride," he says he thought moving in together would be the next step before marriage but *now he is doubtful even that will make me happy bc it's "not enough*"


I am concerned about that bolded statement. Do you think it is his responsibility to make you happy?


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

You got a lot of feedback on your earlier thread, Roses.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...were-your-bf-9-months-would-you-dump-him.html

Not much has changed except now he's said I love you. I think he's being honest and telling you he's not sure if the timeline works for him. I have a timeline that I've talked about with my girlfriend and maybe she's not on the same page, eventually we have to get on it and if not I move on. 

Also she too doesn't believe in moving in before marriage, so that on its own is something some people feel strongly about. 

So to answer your question again like I did in the last thread, if the guy's not making you happy then move on. But none of us believe he's being super unreasonable, but a relationship is for two people. What may be acceptable to one couple is not to another couple.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rose, why did you start another thread? The advice you will get will be the same.

Please go get some counseling to find out why you are torturing yourself like this.


----------



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

It sounds like he is being more open with his thoughts/feelings which is exactly what you wanted. So I don't get why you are still questioning things and posting here again :scratchhead: Maybe your bf is right that nothing will make you happy and now you are looking for reasons to be upset when it really comes down to your own insecurities within yourself.


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

:banghead:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here we go again... I think your BF is right on the money, though... Your inability to enjoy the "now" of the relationship will keep you unhappy. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

After over a year, I don't know why me saying I'd like to get engaged in a few years is a problem. He tells me to trust him & that he'll propose "when the time is right," but can't even give a basic, approximate time frame. And in the next breath he says "you're taking the fun out of everything" and tells me to get out & he doesn't want to be with me. Oh wait, but just 1 hour earlier he was telling me to "trust him"?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

The guy must love being miserable too.


----------



## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

He will NEVER propose if you pressure him like this! A timeframe? Even if he said 1 year, how do you know he will stick to it? You are pushing him away!


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> After over a year, I don't know why me saying I'd like to get engaged in a few years is a problem. He tells me to trust him & that he'll propose "when the time is right," *but can't even give a basic, approximate time frame.*


Ever heard of spontaneity? That's why they call it "popping the question."



Roses919191 said:


> And in the next breath he says "you're taking the fun out of everything."


Well, you ARE taking the fun out of everything, for him anyway. He would like things to unfold naturally, ask you when the time is right for both of you. You are hounding him and prodding him in to doing something he's not ready for.

Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the journey. Or dump him and go find someone else that can conform to your rigid dating/engagement/marriage timetable (Good luck with that...)


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

To try and be just a teeny bit helpful:

My BF and I have been together coming up on 2 years. I don't have a ring. We do live together (just a recent occurance) but being in a hurry to get married is a recipie for disaster. Sure, the THOUGHT of him loving me SOOOOOOO much he desperately desires to put a ring on it is kinda cool. BUt then again, a DESPERATE anything is actually kinda sad. 

Chill.


----------



## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

If your boyfriend came on here asking for advice on the same situation, id be telling him to run for the hills, because in my honest opnion nothing the guy does will make you happy, im betting if he proposed and you got married, you'd be badgering him for kids, then a house then fill in the blanks. I would seriously consider councilling


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ricky15100 said:


> After 1 year you're pushing him to get married?


Yep, too fast...give it 2-3 more years.

And stop pressuring him OP, matter a fact, don't even bring it up anymore....


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Now he's all "this relationship is over " & won't listen to me. He has done this multiple times before, it's just how he is when mad how do I fix it right now???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> Now he's all "this relationship is over " & won't listen to me. He has done this multiple times before, it's just how he is when mad how do I fix it right now???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop trying to fix him, change him, etc... Apologize if you think you've done something wrong, and let him work through his feelings. But you trying to fit him and your relationship into the mold you envision is why you are where you are. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear, you can't ever resist. :rofl:

_This is the song that never ends...._


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> Now he's all "this relationship is over " & won't listen to me. He has done this multiple times before, *it's just how he is when mad* how do I fix it right now???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, and EXACTLY *why* do you think he's mad?! Not because that's "just how he is" when he's mad, but because you drive him to it with your badgering and prodding.

How do you fix it?

Zip your lip for now. Leave him alone. If it's meant to be (and I'm not so sure it is) he'll be back around.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

He just told me out loud for the very first time, 2 days ago, that he loves me. And that was while he was mad/frustrated. So no, I'm not going to believe that this is "over"!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm not saying it's over. I'm saying back off and enjoy where you are now. Once he starts talking to you again. Demonstrate to him that you can enjoy just being with him now, and maybe you'll get your future. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I dated a girl like this. Was in love with the idea of getting married and not me. She had to go. I would suggest you reexamine your priorities


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

He is doing his usual: giving me the cold shoulder & literally not speaking. I said "if you tell me you don't love me, I'll leave. Really." And he won't say that or "leave!" To me, so I'm guessing this relationship must not really be over? I mean he could threaten to call cops if he actually wanted me out. lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OP, if your BF wasn't in the picture at all, say there was something that prevented you from ever getting married to anyone at all...what would you do with your life? Do more of that, and see if your boyfriend is still around. Then you will feel more secure and you won't be wondering if he is going to marry you. If you keep chasing him or pressuring/dictating to him what you want, you are never going to have the immense pleasure of knowing that he is with you for no other reason than to make himself happy (and you as well.) 

If you could truly feel love, you wouldn't necessarily care so much if it was stated or not. So if you love him you can tell him that you love him. If he doesn't reciprocate then you have to deal with it in some way. And what is so important about an apartment key? Can't you give him yours? Can't you propose to him, and so if he says no, you have to deal with it. Why are you putting this all on him? I don't think it sounds very fair. If you want something you have to ask the other person for it, and accept the boundaries and that's the way it is, if they say no or not right now. People have lives, they have freedoms, they have their own right to make their own decisions in their own time in this life. And well, because of divorce laws just getting married doesn't change those rights. You are going to have the same issues even if you theoretically get your way.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Sigh!

You know it's really sad that you (Roses919191) are not really taking in what Wolf1974, PBear, happy as a clam, DoF, ricky15100, GA HEART, PAgirl, EleGirl, devotion and ne9907 are suggesting.

To reiterate, ease off! If he doesn't meet your expectations move on, or adjust your own expectations. You cannot change him and you both will suffer for trying.

The only person you can fix in your relationship is *you*! So I recommend you do that and or move on. If you don't do this I can't see how you''re in for a happy future with this relationship.



Jellybeans said:


> _This is the song that never ends...._


Do you really want to be that song?


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Ok now what do I do? When I came home yesterday he wouldn't talk but it's not like he told me to get out, took/asked for his key back, etc. I said "If you wanted me to leave just tell me you don't love me and I'll go" but he didn't. He finally cuddled me a bit in bed & gave me a hug this morning when I asked. So do you think I have a chance?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You silly goose...


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Can't take these post serious anymore. You post the same thing over and over.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Silly? I just need to know this is a step in right direction!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Roses,

You don't reply to ANYTHING anyone says. You just keep asking the same shallow question which is childish and game-playing.

I also can no longer take you or your posts seriously. It is very obvious to me that this is some strange form of entertainment for you.

Have a jolly day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Do you think he's done with me after he have me a big hug this morning & never told me to leave or packed any of my stuff up? How do I get him to keep loving me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> Silly? I just need to know this is a step in right direction!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To many steps to list, mostly for you though, not your boyfriend. Sound advice has been given to you over and over.....

good luck


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Is there still a chance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No. You have no chance. Because you don't listen, learn, or change your behavior. So you will be doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes. It may not be this "cold spell", it may not be the next, but at some point, you'll kill this relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It's not looking good for you Roses. I consulted my Magic Eight Ball this morning on your behalf... the answer I got?


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Is there still a chance
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no chance. You want to manipulate him to put a ring on it, then manipulate him to stay. You are all about getting him to do what you want. His feelings are irrelevant to you. That's not love. It's disrespect. Therefore there is no chance.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Then why did he just tell me for the very first time in over a year that he loves me, and why isn't he telling. Me to get out while I'm at his place now & gives mea. Big hug $ chddles


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Maybe he's horny?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Maybe he's horny?


:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I thought its because he wanted pancakes. 

<head nod to the long term participants in this train wreck>

I really feel for you Roses, but come on.. you ask the same question every week, get the same answer.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Then why did he just tell me for the very first time in over a year that he loves me, and why isn't he telling. Me to get out while I'm at his place now & gives mea. Big hug $ chddles


Because you have some good qualities that he does appreciate? Because he's loyal and doesn't want to give up just yet. Because he thinks that saying he loves you might make you feel secure enough to stop pushing him (if he doesn't really love you, he shouldn't have said it just because you want to hear it). 

But he will eventually be completely done with you if you keep pushing and trying to manipulate. You seem to think that this is a battle of wills and that if you push hard enough he will give in and agree with you. Big mistake! You will only succeed in getting him to resent you.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Roses, I think maybe the first step for you is to get off of whatever it is you are taking or smoking. Then go a mental health clinic and get diagnosed and treated. 

Aren't you getting annoyed with having to live with yourself 24x7?
You could be having a lot more fun with your life, if you could only get a handle on your obsessive thinking and attachment/interpersonal issues.

If I was your Mum I would have hauled you into a psychiatrist already. If you refused I would kick you out and change the locks. Really. You need to be more responsible for yourself. It's not just your boyfriend you have to worry about annoying and being appreciated by, it's the rest of the world too: co-workers, friends, extended family, future children, any caregivers you might need (medical or otherwise), teachers, bosses, people in public offices...grocery store clerks, the librarian...and people at TAM.


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

But how do I get him to be ok? He just told me he loved me for the first time three days ago, how can he be done with me forever


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

He always does this. TEll me it's "over" & a silent cold wall. Eventually starts w hugging me like he did this morning, then talking like nothing happened. So if he hugged me this AM and hadn't told me to leave or packed up / moved my things, should I really think this is over- especially when he juuust told me he loved me for first time???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop asking the same questions over and over and over again while ignoring all the previous answers you already received. You're treating us like you treat your BF. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You need intensive therapy, not a boyfriend and certainly not a husband.

You are not in any condition to be in a relationship and the sooner your boyfriend realizes that you are not long term commitment material and stops allowing you to emote all over him the sooner he will find someone who he wants to commit to.

Here is where you tell me all the reasons he is happy with you and that he isn't going to leave you.

<<<<<Enter rationale here>>>>


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

How to I get him to realize we should stay together? Someone who sai he loves me 3 days ago can't suddenly want to never see me again when nothing new gappened
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am now convinced Rose9191 that you live under a bridge.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Clingy needy women are a huge turn off.

I'd never stay in a relationship with someone like the Op.

Even if the sex was incredible. Although if the sex was incredible I would stay longer than I otherwise would have.


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Now he's all "this relationship is over " & won't listen to me. He has done this multiple times before, it's just how he is when mad how do I fix it right now???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



How old are you guys? If marriage is something you want I would not move in with him. Ever hear .. why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You are acting too needy and redily available to him. I think you should be more confident and step back. You can't make him want something he doesn't want. There are no gusrantees for the future. I'm thinking it may be time for you ro move on. And him pulling this immature crap of not talking to you is just annoying and juvenile. It's very controlling and rude behavior. WHy do you feel this is all you deserve?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Read her other posts Kim.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

"me me blah, blah blah me me me"

"How do I get him to? How do I make him? Why hasn't he done what I want?"

Needy, oppressive and manipulative.


----------



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Read her other posts Kim.


Oh boy ... exhausting .. I'm out!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Roses, you are really annoying!
It sounds like you are doing smack or something.

I'm not really sure how you got to be in a relationship for a year to begin with, maybe your BF has some issues as well.
In any case, be thankful you have a chance at getting married, and try not to blow it if that's what you really want. In other words, calm the heck down and get a grip.

No more advice from me.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> He always does this. TEll me it's "over" & a silent cold wall. Eventually starts w hugging me like he did this morning, then talking like nothing happened. So if he hugged me this AM and hadn't told me to leave or packed up / moved my things, should I really think this is over- especially when he juuust told me he loved me for first time???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Roses... see if ANY of these pics resonate with you... Otherwise, I THROW my hands up!! Yours is a conundrum indeed...




























*If these don't help, well, I'm totally out of options for you!*


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

UPDATES! 1) he Is talking to me AND doing random little nice thibgs around the house AND agreed to go on a picnic with me later. 2) I go thru his texts all the time, and for the last few days he's been texting with this girl who's his coworker. He was saying stuff like "too bad you're out of town" and she said "have you ever been to this local place?" And he responded "we'd have fun there." BUT to be fair... It was a week ago that my BF discovered me crying alone & when asked why, I said "I just think we're on different pages about getting married etc," prompting his eventual comment "I just don't think I could ever make you happy, it's up to you to decide if you want to stay with me bc I'm not ready right now." So, is it possible I made my BF feel inadequate & like I might be dumping him so he needs to start talking to another girl in case?? I confronted him just now, "where are you at with us? Do you want to date other people?" He got insulted & said "you're asking if I'm dating others a year into our relationship?!" He said our relationship which makes me think he doesn't consider it over between us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He's trying to find a stage 3 clinger instead of a stage 5...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There is always an update. Always.

Blocking OP NOW!!


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

PBear said:


> He's trying to find a stage 3 clinger instead of a stage 5...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What should I do now????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> What should I do now????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leave your current boyfriend.

You need to be with someone who is as equally emotionally volatile as yourself.

A guy like that might be willing to get engaged quickly, based on feeling and emotion. He might not be concerned with looking ahead too much.

You sound like you are the type of gal who needs to be swept off her feet; and who throws caution to the wind.


----------



## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

It amazes me that this thread has reached 5 pages. Thankfully I only read two of them.


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> What should I do now????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to give you the exact steps:

Step 1- Get a sock
Step 2- Fill the sock with marbles
Step 3- Beat yourself repeatedly with the sock

You are a wierd stalker. 

He probably told you he loved you because he wants you to gargle his hairy coin purse. No one's batcrap crazy enough to marry a stage 5 clinger like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
I'll bet you she asks again.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

<never mind>


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Wow. The wisdom and compassion of TAM at its best....
That said, Roses you need help. Get therapy. You can keep posting here but the answers won't change and the responses won't become kinder. Don't let them continue to abuse you. At this point they are just having fun at your expense, with your pain. . They can't help you but a professional can do wonders. Go get the help you need it's there for you.... It's just not here, not in the way you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It's fairly obvious that s/he is not reading any of the responses on this thread.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

She responded to a quote just today. If she is quoting she is reading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

intheory said:


> Leave your current boyfriend.
> 
> You need to be with someone who is as equally emotionally volatile as yourself.
> 
> ...





inarut said:


> Wow. The wisdom and compassion of TAM at its best....
> That said, Roses you need help. Get therapy. You can keep posting here but the answers won't change and the responses won't become kinder. Don't let them continue to abuse you.* At this point they are just having fun at your expense, with your pain. .* They can't help you but a professional can do wonders. Go get the help you need it's there for you.... It's just not here, not in the way you need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I see what you are saying.

But my advice was actually completely genuine.

Roses is a feeler, not a thinker. There will be fallout in her life because of that. Which comes down to "live and learn".

(I agree. It would be very beneficial if she would seek IC.)


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Yes, she needs help and will have to live and learn just like the rest of us. No need to rub her face in the mud as if we all don't have our own issues that we struggle with. As if we are superior in any way to her just because our struggle may be different and hers obvious to us. It's cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

inarut said:


> Yes, she needs help and will have to live and learn just like the rest of us. No need to rub her face in the mud as if we all don't have our own issues that we struggle with. As if we are superior in any way to her just because our struggle may be different and hers obvious to us. It's cruel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it cruel or being honest? Maybe you should look at her other post before you jump to that conclusion. Posters have given the OP some sound advice that she never listens to.


----------



## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Is it cruel or being honest? Maybe you should look at her other post before you jump to that conclusion. Posters have given the OP some sound advice that she never listens to.


I have seen all her threads and yes it is cruel. Honesty is one thing ... Cruelty is another. They don't go hand in hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

She has posted on other forums, and honestly I believe this is a woman (perhaps a man) that is doing this for her/his own entertainment. This poster is probably sitting at home laughing at how many people are responding to all the drama. 

Just sayin'


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Its pretty clear she's a troll. Relax and have fun with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Nikita2270 said:


> Its pretty clear she's a troll. Relax and have fun with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It makes me a bit worried that people actually think I'm a troll because they think I'm nuts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think we're at the end of this thread. That's all folks.


----------

