# Sort of embarrassing topic



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

but we are all friends here and besides we are all anonymous, so here goes - masturbation

Before my divorce, especially over the last few years. I started to take matters into my own hand so to speak. After numerous rejections and being told she "didn't have time to think about being with me" I came to the point of simply not pushing the envelope anymore. I seldom initiated but took when it was offered, which was maybe once every week or so. In the meantime I satisfied my needs with porn and masturbation.

After my divorce I masturbated a lot. I was angry and horny and just wanted the release. A good orgasm seemed to release enough tension to allow me to sleep at night. I felt that fantasizing about possibilities was a good thing. Porn helped fuel those fantasies. 

Over time, this has continued. I had a short relationship and it involved sex. I feel that my performance in that department during this relationship was somewhat not up to par. I never felt as though I could perform to the level. I had not felt this way with my ex. The funny (or sad depending on you look at it) was that this woman was pretty much game for anything and everything. But I felt intimidated.

Then I have read numerous threads where the topic is discussed.

Today I was doing some research and I came upon a series of articles about masturbation. The gist of the articles dealt with some of the harmful side effects of it. They all mentioned some of the health benefits, prostate health, tension relief etc. 

But there were quite a few that dealt with the adverse effects. The lowering of testerone levels was one. When you masturbate a lot you start to think why bother going after her when you can probably find a porn star that looks like her. If you do meet a lady, the reality is she can probably never live up to the porn or fantasy you created in the first place. You tend to think constantly about sex. You tend to begin viewing others in terms of sexual availability (objectifying). You get lazy and don't do the necessary things you need to do to attract a member of the opposite sex. After all, why bother showering, brushing your teeth, putting on deoderant, wearing nice clothes, shaving, manscaping or for that matter trying to please her, when your fantasy will never complain about any of those things. No need to seduce your fantasy, she does whatever you want, anytime you want, wherever, whenever, however with no hang ups, aversions, hesitancy.
This got me thinking about some of the larger issues in life. Such as depression, withdrawal, anxiety and low self esteem. Most of these issues are reinforced and abetted by masturbation.

One thing I read was about dopamine resistance. which is a scientific term that explains addictive behavior. Basically you get a dopamine dump when you orgasm. This happens whether you are alone or with some one else, but being with someone else also involves a host of neurotransmitters such as prolactin, seratonin and others that offset the pure dopamine rush of masturbation. Over time, you crave the dopamine and so you engage in whatever the action is again. The same holds true of cigarettes, alcohol, gambling, drugs, practically any addictive activity. The more dopamine you dump, the more your body craves. Overtime, the dopamine receptors get overwhelmed and you become resistant to the dopamine, similar to a diabetic's insulin resistance. So you need more and more activity to release more and more dopamine in order to feel the rush. 

The dopamine offsets the seratonin in your system and the result is depression, anxiety, social withdrawal and low self esteem. I am curious how others feel about this topic. 
A lot of what I read makes perfect sense to me.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

In summary, if you masturbate a lot when you're alone, you can expect to be alone for the foreseeable future.

I'd prefer to dump my load in or on a woman, much more preferable to filling my belly button. regardless of the dopamine release.

Her mouth will beat my hands every single time.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

would be better in the mens lounge area instead of life after divorce but its here might as well answer it. Unless you want it answered by men only? 
Does it go along with wanting to have sex with the ws at all?

I agree with it leading to depression, low self esteem, loss of effort. My married sex life sucked hard (only guy I ever slept with) so my experience with an actual good release/orgasm is pathetically (14 years, only once) limited.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think sexuality can be damaged during separation/divorce. I for one had my share of it. My non-educated advice would be that masturbation is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. But using porn is not advisable. It sets unrealistic expectations. It is not real life.

Those of us who were married and not cheating, were used to being with one person for a long time. Feelings of rejection, inadequacy, ect…. All those lovely divorce feelings…. They will completely screw you up for a while. You just have to role with it and let time pass. Meet the right person and start slow. 

I know that sounds like a bunch of BS coming from a guy. But, that was my experience. I tried to rush things that needed time to heal. It is all in your mind. And when the mind is not in a healthy place, nothing is.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The good news is you can see to type so you haven't done it so much you've gone blind yet! If you are having anxiety about your performance and think it is stopping you from having a relationship then get a couple of books or instructional videos and be open with your partner and work on it. Practice makes better, and it's a lot more fun to practice with a live specimen than your hand.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

I'm a woman, so you can take this with a grain of salt. lol But I'm gonna second the idea that masturbation is fine but maybe you should take a break from the porn. I don't think porn is a bad thing in the big picture, but it seems like too much porn is. Maybe if you stopped for a few weeks or months, or maybe decided not to use porn again until you're having what feels like a good sexual relationship with a person, that could reset you.


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