# BS' do you ever stop feeling insecure?



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride, one day I'll have a good day and the next day I can't stop thinking about it. I've never felt so self conscious and insecure in my life. Will I ever feel good about myself again? I used to believe my WH truly thought I was the most beautiful woman alive, now I feel like he only says things to make me feel better. I feel like I can never believe it again, or that I'll never feel "beautiful enough" again. I had a borderline eating disorder when I was younger and I find myself wanting to go back to it just so I can feel good about myself again. Will this feeling ever go away?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I think that really depends on your WH and what he's willing to do for you.

I don't think it will ever fully go away. That's the carnage of infidelity. But if he does a LOT of heavy lifting, it will lessen. In time....maybe a LONG time.

I know for me personally, it would never have gone away had I stayed with my WW. The ONLY remedy for me, was to leave her. That's not what all BS's want though, and I get that.

I think that inherently, you are stuck with those feelings to a certain degree if you choose to stay with someone who was so cruel and awful to you. They are a constant reminder, and that insecurity is always there because you will always wonder if he's doing it again, or if he will at some point.

I'm sorry sweetie, I wish I had a more optimistic response for you.

All my best.

-A


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

I don't think the feeling will ever go away if you stay with the person who cheated on you. 

It can go away if someone new, who you cant rust, can rebuild your shattered self esteem. 

That's one of the tradeoffs you make for staying with him. 

You have to weigh that against the positives.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

northland said:


> I don't think the feeling will ever go away if you stay with the person who cheated on you.
> 
> It can go away if someone new, who you cant rust, can rebuild your shattered self esteem.
> 
> ...


Yup.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride, one day I'll have a good day and the next day I can't stop thinking about it. I've never felt so self conscious and insecure in my life. Will I ever feel good about myself again? I used to believe my WH truly thought I was the most beautiful woman alive, now I feel like he only says things to make me feel better. I feel like I can never believe it again, or that I'll never feel "beautiful enough" again. I had a borderline eating disorder when I was younger and I find myself wanting to go back to it just so I can feel good about myself again. Will this feeling ever go away?


Yes, pretty much, it does go away. Oh, yes, sometimes you still get triggers.

And you still are the most beautiful women alive in your husband's world. What's worse for him is that you are hurting. And he did it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

northland said:


> I don't think the feeling will ever go away if you stay with the person who cheated on you.
> 
> It can go away if someone new, who you cant rust, can rebuild your shattered self esteem.
> 
> ...


Well, as someone who has done it, I can tell you that it does go away over time.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, as someone who has done it, I can tell you that it does go away over time.


I think you may be in the minority. But I'm happy for you nonetheless.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Distraught,

The feeling hasn't gone completely away for me, and I have since divorced, dated, and remarried about 6 months ago.

The feeling is HUGE when you are still fighting to bury the affair in your current relationship.

I am like TD, I needed to move on to feel better. It took me 8 months of effort trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again before it was obvious that it would never happen.

Many people make reconciliation (R) work. I think divorce (D) is often easier.

Starting fresh for me was a great decision. The trust for my new wife is different. I would say that the scar is there, but the pain is gone. Trust will never be absolute for me with anyone. That being said, I love my new wife dearly.

Bless your heart! Your rollercoaster will end as you move through the stages of grief.

I have to leave my computer, but it would be helpful for everyone to know how far out you are, and more of your story.

Watch for subsequent facts to come out. Watch for blameshifting. Watch for rugsweeping. These add to the hurt.

Eventually you will decide to move past the affair, or move on.

YOU are the one that gets to determine if he is worth keeping.

So sorry you are here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

northland said:


> I don't think the feeling will ever go away if you stay with the person who cheated on you.
> 
> It can go away if someone new, who you cant rust, can rebuild your shattered self esteem.
> 
> ...


This is simply not true.

I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else. Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to. Our computers are side by side. I don't feel sneaky spying on him either. I never had the ability to do all of this before, and I would not have the ability to do it with someone new, and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. He knows that I need this, and he willingly provides it. I highly doubt that someone new would do that for me - they'd be screaming about how they have a right to their privacy and how dare I demand such things.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, pretty much, it does go away.


What do you mean "pretty much" it goes away?

That sounds to me like "It doesn't completely go away", which is of course the point the Op was trying to make and as a betrayed spouse you seem to be in agreement.

So there are times when your formerly wayward spouse is out and about, or late getting home, and you get a pang of doubt?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This is simply not true.
> 
> I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else.


You can't possibly know that you wouldn't have felt more secure with someone else, since you have not been in that situation. 



Hope1964 said:


> Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to.


I see. You feel more secure with your husband because you can monitor his every move. And it seems that you still feel the need to do exactly that. Or at least, you feel more at ease because he knows that you can monitor his every move so that will keep him honest.



Hope1964 said:


> I never had the ability to do all of this before, and I would not have the ability to do it with someone new, and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. He knows that I need this, and he willingly provides it. I highly doubt that someone new would do that for me - they'd be screaming about how they have a right to their privacy and how dare I demand such things.


And that new person would be right. Because they never gave you a reason not to trust them.

Solid, healthy relationships are based on trust, not "They won't try to cheat because they know I'm watching them".

Also you're probably wrong when you say "I couldn't do that with someone new". A really down to earth, understanding sort of guy such as myself would probably say "I get what you're going through having been cheated on, I've got nothing to hide, my life is an open book, look at anything you want to".


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

northland said:


> You can't possibly know that you wouldn't have felt more secure with someone else, since you have not been in that situation.


And you can't possibly know what I know about myself. How can you possibly even post this? It's patently absurd to tell me what I would or wouldn't think or know.



northland said:


> I see. You feel more secure with your husband because you can monitor his every move. And it seems that you still feel the need to do exactly that. Or at least, you feel more at ease because he knows that you can monitor his every move so that will keep him honest.


Did I say I feel the need to do it? You're putting a lot of words in my mouth here.



northland said:


> And that new person would be right. Because they never gave you a reason not to trust them.
> 
> Solid, healthy relationships are based on trust, not "They won't try to cheat because they know I'm watching them".


So you're saying that BS's who do end up divorcing don't end up with trust issues? That's also an untrue assertion. For me, the knowledge I have about my husband and what he's doing to R goes a lot farther to help me feel secure than not having transparency with someone new would.

There are a few BS's who have chosen R on here, and we all pretty much will tell you the same thing - you're wrong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

northland said:


> Also you're probably wrong when you say "I couldn't do that with someone new". A really down to earth, understanding sort of guy such as myself would probably say "I get what you're going through having been cheated on, I've got nothing to hide, my life is an open book, look at anything you want to".


I'm willing to admit I could be wrong. Are you willing to admit I could be right?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> And you can't possibly know what I know about myself. How can you possibly even post this? It's patently absurd to tell me what I would or wouldn't think or know.


I said it's impossible for you to compare how you feel about your husband now to some other hypothetical future guy who you never met. It would be like me saying I'm going to win the lottery next year and you posting that I have no way of knowing that and me responding that you don't know enough about me to make that sort of statement.




Hope1964 said:


> Did I say I feel the need to do it? You're putting a lot of words in my mouth here.


I didn't say you had the _need_ to monitor your husband, although I stronly suspect that you probably do. Do you check up on him? A simple yes or no will suffice.

I said that because you CAN monitor your husband's every move you feel more secure. I'm suggesting you do not trust him and your security is based on him staying honest because he knows he can't get away with anything and that's not a healthy situation.



Hope1964 said:


> So you're saying that BS's who do end up divorcing don't end up with trust issues? That's also an untrue assertion.


No, I never said that and I agree that most divorced spouses do have trust issues.

For me, the knowledge I have about my husband and what he's doing to R goes a lot farther to help me feel secure than not having transparency with someone new would.



Hope1964 said:


> There are a few BS's who have chosen R on here, and we all pretty much will tell you the same thing - you're wrong.


Ok, I guess we'll see their posts shortly.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I'm willing to admit I could be wrong. Are you willing to admit I could be right?


About what, specifically?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> This is simply not true.
> 
> I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else. Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to. Our computers are side by side. I don't feel sneaky spying on him either. I never had the ability to do all of this before, and I would not have the ability to do it with someone new, and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. He knows that I need this, and he willingly provides it. I highly doubt that someone new would do that for me - they'd be screaming about how they have a right to their privacy and how dare I demand such things.


Does it ever bum you out that you need to do all this?

Certainly there are no absolutes, and everyone is different. I could never live like that.

But if you're happy, I'm happy for you.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I'm willing to admit I could be wrong. Are you willing to admit I could be right?


It's subjective. No absolutes. Well, just one: being cheated on is bloody awful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I think you may be in the minority. But I'm happy for you nonetheless.


Minority? Maybe. But there are several people here who have done it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

northland said:


> About what, specifically?


Your assertion that the only way for a BS to feel secure is to divorce the WS.

Actually the last time I checked up an anything was months ago. Will I ever feel the need to again? I don't know. But I do know that what's true for me obviously isn't true for you. I would never presume to tell you that you are lying to yourself about what's going on with you and what makes you happy, and that when you say you're happy today you're deluding yourself. Why do you want to tell me the same thing?

I trust him far more than I would ever be able to trust someone new.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I wonder, statistically, if women are more likely to forgive adultery than men.

Also, I wonder on this site, if more BH's R or D...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The-Deceived said:


> Does it ever bum you out that you need to do all this?
> 
> Certainly there are no absolutes, and everyone is different. I could never live like that.
> 
> But if you're happy, I'm happy for you.


I am not sure what you mean by 'live like that'. If you mean feeling the need to compulsively check up on him all the time, nothing could be further from the truth. I did at first, but this far out, if i DID feel that way, we wouldn't be together.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I am not sure what you mean by 'live like that'. If you mean feeling the need to compulsively check up on him all the time, nothing could be further from the truth. I did at first, but this far out, if i DID feel that way, we wouldn't be together.


Fair enough.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The-Deceived said:


> forgive


I hate using this word, because it means something so different for different people. 

I kicked my hubby out on D day. I was done. But we're R'ing. If you want more details read my story - I'm off work now and going home to spend an evening with him


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I hate using this word, because it means something so different for different people.
> 
> I kicked my hubby out on D day. I was done. But we're R'ing. If you want more details read my story - I'm off work now and going home to spend an evening with him


I guess I meant move past the cheating enough to attempt R.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Your assertion that the only way for a BS to feel secure is to divorce the WS.


I imagine there can be situations where a BS can learn to trust the WW spouse however rare that might be.



Hope1964 said:


> I trust him far more than I would ever be able to trust someone new.


But you DON'T trust him!

You only "feel secure" because you know you can check up on him any time you want to and because he knows you can check up on him he'll presumably stay honest. Or, he'll get a burner phone and another email account and find a friend to cover for him when he's out with someone else.

The point is- if you trusted him so much you wouldn't require he be transparent.

If you met someone new who never deceived you, it's much more likely that you could develop a level of real trust with this person and not require all of those safety measures to prevent a recurrance of the cheating.



Hope1964 said:


> I am not sure what you mean by 'live like that'. If you mean feeling the need to compulsively check up on him all the time, nothing could be further from the truth. I did at first, but this far out, if i DID feel that way, we wouldn't be together.


Again, you may not have the need to check up on him right now, it's apparently been several months since you last did check up on him, but you need to have the ability to check up on him at any time. 

This thread is about feeling secure. If you feel so secure, then tell him to go ahead and change all his passwords and lock up his phone because you trust him so much.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

LanieB said:


> Northland - If you've read much on this forum at all about Reconciliation, complete transparency is something a WS must offer in order to help rebuild the trust that they've *destroyed*. As time passes, I doubt Hope1964 will be sitting around constantly checking e-mail and FB and bank accounts, etc, etc. If her husband proves he's trustworthy again, she won't have to. And this transparency usually goes both ways - - her husband is probably able to check any of her accounts as well.


I am aware of those things, but that's not what this discussion is about. 

Hope1964 has stated that she feels completely secure in her relationship with her formerly wayward husband, because she has safeguards in place to monitor his activities, not necessarily because he's a trustworthy guy, and I maintain that this is not a case where she is secure, especially given that such measures she has in place can easily be circumvented by him getting (for example) a second secret email account, a burner telephone, and finding ways to see an affair partner by coming up with exuses and alibis as to why he's not home when he's supposed to be.

I'm not saying the guy is cheating of course, I'm simply saying that her situation is definitely not one of "feeling secure". Or if it is, it's "feeling secure for the wrong reasons".

Secondly, Hope1964 has gone so far as to say that she trusts her husband more than she could trust any other man that she might meet if she divorced her husband and move on.



Hope1964 said:


> I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else.



I maintain that she has no way to know this, and in fact most people would probably eventually trust a new relationship partner who has never cheated on them more than they ever could trust a formerly wayward spouse who has gone to great lengths to deceive them in the worst possible way.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> This is simply not true.
> 
> I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else. Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to. Our computers are side by side. I don't feel sneaky spying on him either. I never had the ability to do all of this before, and I would not have the ability to do it with someone new, and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. He knows that I need this, and he willingly provides it. I highly doubt that someone new would do that for me - they'd be screaming about how they have a right to their privacy and how dare I demand such things.


I understand what you mean, but I honestly hate that feeling. I trusted him all the time, didn't care if he went out with his friends, didn't check up on him, didn't go through his stuff. I liked that feeling. I hate the feeling of wanting to know his every move. It makes me feel crazy, and I'm not. I didn't want to demand transparency... Actually I never want to demand it, I don't want him to not do it only because he's scared I'll find out. You know?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes, it can go away.

It doesn’t happen by magic though all on it’s own. He needs to understand as do you what the issue is and work together on it. I also found that you can’t ‘tell him’ what you think will help and get a lot of success out of it. What you should do is sort of tune yourself so when it happens, you let him know. Then just sort of find patterns of things that ‘do it’. 

And it will be weird too... Don’t expect him telling you ‘your beautiful’ all the time will work or flowers or _____. It’s more like catching him ‘checking you out’. If you tell him, he can tell you what sparked it... for me, it was my wife bending down, and like the little boy I am, sneaking a peak.. Maybe it’s certain clothes or whatever... I also make sure on my end, I tell her when I’m feeling particularly attracted and drawn. And she adds that to her database of seduction. And you just start building that arsenal of moments and triggers.

btw; it can start to get fun as you are both actively seeking those things that attract each other.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This is simply not true.
> 
> I actually feel more secure with hubby today, over 3 years post Dday, than I would if I'd D'd and gotten together with someone else. Before he cheated, I didn't feel I had any right to demand transparency. I had to trust blindly. Now I don't have to do that. I have his work and home email passwords, his bank passwords, I can look at his phone any time, his computer, whatever I want to. Our computers are side by side. I don't feel sneaky spying on him either. I never had the ability to do all of this before, and I would not have the ability to do it with someone new, and I like it. I can verify that he's doing what he says he's doing. He knows that I need this, and he willingly provides it. I highly doubt that someone new would do that for me - they'd be screaming about how they have a right to their privacy and how dare I demand such things.


I like this, but for me it was completely different. The pain has never fully left. I guess we are all different.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I don't check up on my husband constantly. In fact, I feel no need to check up at all. The only time I log into his email is if he needs me to do something for him. I don't check the cell bill. And we share a bank account, and I'm the one who pays everything. So, I concur with MattMatt and Hope. I don't feel insecure. And I don't feel the need to check on him. In addition to that, I know the signs to look for (red flags). Northland, your assertion that it can never happen is wrong. It doesn't matter if those of us who are able to stop feeling insecure and truly rebuild are in the minority or not. The truth is that is IS possible, no matter what you may think.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> The truth is that is IS possible, no matter what you may think.


I didn't say it's impossible, I said it's rare.

I also suggested that if complete transparency is required to maintain a sense of security, then it's a false sense of security because such "safeguards" can be overcome. 

A healthy relationship where this is complete trust, usually in cases when there has been no prior infidelity does not usually incorporate some sort of mutual understanding that one anothers cellphone habits, emails, texts, etc can and may be scrutinized at any time.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> I don't check up on my husband constantly. In fact, I feel no need to check up at all. The only time I log into his email is if he needs me to do something for him. I don't check the cell bill. And we share a bank account, and I'm the one who pays everything. So, I concur with MattMatt and Hope. I don't feel insecure. And I don't feel the need to check on him. In addition to that, I know the signs to look for (red flags). Northland, your assertion that it can never happen is wrong. It doesn't matter if those of us who are able to stop feeling insecure and truly rebuild are in the minority or not. The truth is that is IS possible, no matter what you may think.


How long has it been since your D Day?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It melts away. But it takes a while and it takes work on BOTH parties. Yeah, that's right folks...BOTH parties.

See, too often we BS's do get into that role of "the WS does all the heavy lifting" and don't really come out of it. I'm not saying that we need to do the heavy lifting...except with OURSELVES.

We need to take care of ourselves and understand that if we are with a truly remorseful and regretful spouse, then there comes a time to loosen the grip on the rope. It ain't easy. And I'm certainly not saying that there won't come a time that it doesn't ever slip into your grey matter - cuz it most definitely will. It will do so when you least expect it and on your best of days, to boot.

Yes, the wayward spouse has a sh-t ton of work to pull to help the betrayed spouse gain back the security that they stole. It might never be 100% there, but as someone said the other day - I'd rather have 99% of adult conditional love than 100% of unconditional love.

Dday for me was March 6, 2012.

I dropped my anti anxiety meds cold turkey without consultation a month ago. My IC yesterday said he has seen no degradation in me, although he chided me about not talking to my doctor before quitting.

As for checking up - I haven't done so in months. I haven't felt the need.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Be careful of blind trust.
I gave 18 years of it.
It does not mean your spouse is not or will not cheat.

I know that if I had divorced my H I would never give blind trust again and I would take all my trust issues with me.
As for checking up? I haven't done that for a long time either. Once you've been cheated on you know the signs to look for that don't involve the constant checking. But it's definitely a fall out from Dday. The checking is part of the course. It does phase out eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> How long has it been since your D Day?


Over a year. Dday was in March of last year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Northland, the level of trust you're describing is one that simply doesn't exist, and if it does, it's a stupid way to be. Trusting ANYONE blindly and with no reservations isn't going to happen to someone who's been cheated on. No matter if they're with the same person or not.

Also, married couples should not expect to have secrets from one another. The level of transparency we have should have been there from the beginning, and it should be there for every married couple. Keeping passwords on your phone and computer leads to nothing but suspicion, warranted or not. So healthy relationships don't maintain the secrecy.

You say I don't trust my husband. If you mean that I don't trust him not to cheat, you're wrong. If I really thought that the only reason he isn't cheating on me is because I have access to his passwords etc. I would not be with him. He's earned my trust back. Do I have moments of doubt? Sure I do. Show me a couple that's been together for 15+ years that has never had moments of doubt and I'll call you a liar.

I think the reason that some people just don't get it is because they envision the BS as someone who is crouched in a corner just waiting to pounce on the WS whenever they do the least little thing. They see the BS as having to be constantly vigilant in order to keep the WS from cheating. They see the WS as someone just biding their time until they get another chance to act out. And that may very well be the case for a lot of WS - there's some on TAM, and there's also BS's on TAM who DO live in fear that the WS will do it again. But that isn't true R. To truly be in R both the BS and the WS have to cooperate to deal with the trauma of the infidelity. Like Dig said, the BS does have some lifting of their own to do. Right after D day isn't the time to do it though. It takes years. And in my case, it's worth it, and being over 3 years out I am only now reaping the true benefits of the hard work we've both done.

I'm sorry you don't get that, but just because it isn't true for you doesn't mean it isn't true for anyone else either. Please try to keep that in mind.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

northland said:


> I didn't say it's impossible, I said it's rare.



Really? You didn't say this?



northland said:


> *I don't think the feeling will ever go away if you stay with the person who cheated on you. *
> 
> It can go away if someone new, who you cant rust, can rebuild your shattered self esteem.
> 
> ...





northland said:


> I also suggested that if complete transparency is required to maintain a sense of security, then it's a false sense of security because such "safeguards" can be overcome.
> 
> A healthy relationship where this is complete trust, usually in cases when there has been no prior infidelity does not usually incorporate some sort of mutual understanding that one anothers cellphone habits, emails, texts, etc can and may be scrutinized at any time.


I saw that, at this point, you have been banned, Northland. I don't know if it's permanent or not, but I know that you are able to read this. Besides, this is something that can benefit others as well. Look, I will agree that CONSTANTLY checking up on your spouse, for the rest of your lives together would be unhealthy. But having access to each other's passwords and cell phones and everything? No, I think that's actually MORE healthy. Just because you have ACCESS doesn't mean you're searching through everything. My husband has access to all of my info. Now, he has memory problems, so there are times I need to remind him of passwords...even HIS OWN passwords. If I didn't have those passwords, he would have to be constantly changing them. 

Before any infidelity, we DID share passwords to everything. We were able to get into accounts for each other, no problems. That changed when the infidelity began. 

To say that healthy marriages don't have such understandings is a fallacy. My parents have had such an arrangement for nearly 40 years, with no infidelity to muddy the waters. It is their opinion, and that of my husband and me, as well as many on here, that there are no secrets in marriage. 

This arrangement isn't as rare as you may think. And it certainly isn't unhealthy... no matter what you may think.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

No, it doesn't go away. We learn to rise above it. When the intrusive thoughts come in, we learn over time, to choose to discard them, releasing their control over our lives and happiness. Over time, we put the OW into perspective and recognize that she wanted to be you and have what you have...she was an imposter. Our/your husband was suffering from "ding-batitis". Then you realize, you are not just beautiful, you have a fabulous character and worth, and still would, even if he had left.

Edited: Just want to add that it took me two years to get to this place mentally. I may have gotten there sooner, had it not been for his trickle-truthing. I let it all out, he got it all, every piece of everything on my mind. Full exposure of OW, finally freed me once I got the story together. I AM NOW FREE! He stepped up to the plate finally and is making all the changes to be the man of integrity, husband and father he is called to be. I accepted none of the bulls**t. I threatened divorce 6 weeks ago...I told him I would rather death than spending another day with him. He got the message.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op to your original question. Yes the feeling went away for me not to long after the divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

workindad said:


> Op to your original question. Yes the feeling went away for me not to long after the divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Three years out, reconciled. I don't feel insecure. I don't check on my wife.
I'm fine.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Really? You didn't say this?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with you. My parents have a wonderful marriage, and they know each other's passwords, etc. I hesitate to use my own marriage as an example anymore, but I remember my WH's passwords better than he does. We have had no problems borrowing phones, checking each other's emails to get something for one another, etc... not once did I think of checking up on him before. I felt like that was healthy. I can't imagine being with someone who told me they weren't going to tell me their phone password because of "privacy."


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....I'm working VERY hard ...individually ...and with the help of a wonderful therapist (_seriously she's a great person ...and I loathe therapists in general_) ....to try and get my sh*t together after 18 years since my d-day. And I have finally _*learned*_ that I will likely never feel totally secure ever again ...nor will I trust anyone or anything .....and that's okay. Having the feeling that I need to "look over my shoulder" every so often makes me more aware of my relationship with my wife ....and feeling a bit more in control because I'm not bestowing blind trust on her ...and she'll have to deal with that. 

....having a twinge of insecurity every so often may not be the end of the world ...and I can deal with that (or ....I should say that I'm learning to do so and to not let it rule my life anymore)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You sound like a bad as chick...to bad your old man has to catch up!!!

My old lady was a big time cheater...poor thing..

Think about it, who is really the insecure ones here? The phuckers that betrayed us or the one that can keep their sh1t together and make a commitment, stand by a vow, and stay the course their moral compass directs them?

Maybe its my ego but never did Mrs.the-guy ever take away my security I have in my self.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm more secure now than I've ever been. More than I ever was with her.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I feel more secure now as well. I don't own what she did and therefore I do not feel shame or insecurity about it. I can tell you she does, though. 

Her cheating made me think outside of the box I'd been living in for years. I took it as a given that I was with her forever, and she took it even more for granted that I'd always be around regardless of what she did. I've already gone extended periods with no dialogue, no sex, no reciprocation, and dealing with an all around negative attitude from her. From there, there's no where to go but up.

Whether she keeps up the effort she's been putting into the reconciliation, or if she falls back into old habits and I leave her for someone else... I will not settle for anything less than a loving and functional relationship from here on out. The illusion has been shattered, and now I clearly see the options in front of me rather than the chains that were holding me back.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I would like to take the thread back to where OP started; "will I ever feel good about myself again?".

We have been discussing trust and transparancy a lot, the need to check up etc. I agree that all this verifying creates a false sense of security at most, yet I do it myself from time to time (less often than I used to the first year past D-day). But I think it helps the BS to calm down in the first difficult period.

What I think is more important though is, how do you (re)build your self eseem and sense of selfworth? Because that's the issue that I sense the most from OP. And this is where you must not rely on your CS, don't depend on him to feed your ego, don't attach your happyness to your husband.

You need to get to a point where you'll realize that you are perfect just the way you are, that you are a beautiful human being and most important, that you will do just fine whether you are with your husband or not. You'll have a good life alone or with someone else, you don't NEED to be with him. When you realize this, you're on the right path towards true happyness. And that's when, IMO, that you will get a sense of security again, because it really doesn't matter what your husband chooses to do with his life. He may choose to waste it being a betrayer, but you'll be just fine anyway.

Take your life back.


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