# & we separated



## Mcheyenne (Nov 11, 2020)

My husband and I are going through a separation right now , it’s been very hard on me . Idk what to do to make my days go by faster , all I want to do is sleep , I’m heartbroken . Is there any hope for separation ? He says time will tell and I’m not at all a patient person . I have no friends and I’m heartbroken . I don’t know what to do with myself.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Why does your husband want the separation? It sounds like he's leaving it as a "trial separation", which can work for some people IF done properly. It still involves a plan, weekly marriage counseling, a time limit, etc. It can also be a way to "ease" into divorce if he doesn't have the balls to say it's really over and stop leaving you hanging. 

If you don't have any friends or hobbies, now is the time to start. Obviously it's harder to meet new people right now but it's not impossible. You can go on websites like meetup.com and volunteermatch.org and find local or online opportunities to meet like-minded people. Or, if you've ever wanted to learn to do something like crochet, now's the time. 

You need to be taking care of yourself. Make sure you're eating reasonably healthy meals. If you don't feel like cooking, something like soup or oatmeal is easy. Make sure you're taking care of your mental health and seek help if needed. Make sure you get outside for a walk and fresh air every day. If you can afford it, maybe get your hair or nails done, or buy a new outfit. 

You may also benefit from reading about the 180. The 180


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

Can you give more information? You said you have separated, has he mentioned about getting a divorce? I recently filed for a divorce after 16 years due to my wife having an online emotional affair with a high school ex. I know exactly how you say you are feeling and I also am not a social person or have many friends. This forum has been very helpful to me. 

Try to take some time to focus on something you enjoy even though it will be hard. Be sure to eat and exercise has really helped with some of the stress.


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## Mcheyenne (Nov 11, 2020)

He says we have nothing in common , he does make time to see me with his work schedule we do see each other . We’ve never had any sexual issues everything else is great . It’s just we have nothing in common . But we also have a 3 year old and I work as well and our schedules are way off so we don’t see each other much . He works shift work and I don’t , I got a condo and my daughter and I live there and he does say he loves me and he always will love me but that time will tell . He didn’t want to get a divorce which is why we wanted to try separating but I apparently am not so ready for what I thought I was . I literally barely eat , I don’t do my makeup anymore I don’t even care what I look like and I used to be in love with doing my makeup and just everything being so perfect . I’m that depressed through this and I am definitely trying my hardest to stay positive .


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mcheyenne said:


> He says we have nothing in common , he does make time to see me with his work schedule we do see each other . We’ve never had any sexual issues everything else is great . It’s just we have nothing in common . But we also have a 3 year old and I work as well and our schedules are way off so we don’t see each other much . He works shift work and I don’t , I got a condo and my daughter and I live there and he does say he loves me and he always will love me but that time will tell . He didn’t want to get a divorce which is why we wanted to try separating but I apparently am not so ready for what I thought I was . I literally barely eat , I don’t do my makeup anymore I don’t even care what I look like and I used to be in love with doing my makeup and just everything being so perfect . I’m that depressed through this and I am definitely trying my hardest to stay positive .


So, if you have nothing in common then you need to find things in common. Try new activities and find what you both like. You can also learn to enjoy each other's interests because you enjoy the time together. Separation isn't going to fix the issue, actually working on the issue will.

Opposite works schedules are hard to work with, but it's not impossible. The key is to make the best out of the time you do have together and not taking that time for granted. Reminds me of this thread a bit: Desperately need advice. But again, you need to be _together_. Separation won't solve that issue either.

Have you talked about seeing other people, or rather, NOT seeing other people? That definitely needs to be talked about before he decides to have his cake and eat it too.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I suspect there is more to your H story than simply having nothing in common.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

I'm a suspicious person by nature and I agree with Nailhead that there is more than your H lets on. I would assume that you had nothing in common when you met, dated, and got married, so why does it trouble him now that you have nothing in common?

I also agree with bobert that it needs to be determined and made clear if seeing other people is allowed or not. So many times a separation is used so a SO can sleep with someone and claim "we were on a break"


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## Mcheyenne (Nov 11, 2020)

Neither one of us are sleeping with other ppl . I trust my husband whether we are on a break or not I do not worry about that at all . We have fought a lot in the past due to my depression and that’s something else we are working on.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mcheyenne said:


> Neither one of us are sleeping with other ppl . I trust my husband whether we are on a break or not I do not worry about that at all . We have fought a lot in the past due to my depression and that’s something else we are working on.


Unless other partners have been clearly discussed, please don't make assumptions. It can lead to a lot of heartache. 

For your depression, what about it was causing issues and what are you doing about it now?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What were the ground rules for this separation — or were there any?

As to any hope, a few couples reconcile after separation but most don’t.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your depression needs to be addressed first, before your addresses become, _the one and the same_, again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's over. A lot of men will come back around to see if you'll still have sex with them. Don't make anything out of that if it happens. (Say no or else you're agreeing to that.)

It's too soon for you to feel like doing things, but you do have to realize that the sooner you can make yourself dress and go out with friends and participate in a hobby and talk about something other than this, the sooner you'll heal. But you know, there's a time period you have to wait until it's even final. 

I advise as soon as you feel at all like it, you start being with friends. Please do not tell him you're just sitting at home miserable and please do not let him keep up with what you're doing. But the busier you appear, the more dignity you will walk away from this with and the better you will feel about it. The more you beg, the more you waste time being loyal to him after he left or giving in to him, the worse you will feel about yourself later. 

Stop letting him into your world. Get your friends back and make new ones, take up new hobbies, whether it's knitting or bowling or rescuing animals. Get two jobs if you want to and get ahead financially and prepare to stand on your own two feet, but wait until divorce is filed or he could get half. Get a good attorney and don't let him take advantage of you just because you want him back. Stop wanting him back.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Most think of depression as one being sad all the time, and not enjoying life.
The experts say it is not contagious.
They are wrong.

I believe he is escaping your sadness, your inability to share, happily, any common interests. 

_Happy_ is a chemical mixture your body perfects or makes spoils of.

2020 is not a good year for most everyone, save for those outliers, most of them outright liars.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I've been through the mismatched work schedule lifestyle. I'd give you hope based on my experience, but when your husbands complaint included "we have nothing in common", I lost hope. Honestly that is about as much of a death rattle as we ever hear. You are getting good advice. Did anyone tell you to start doing your makeup again? It will help you feel more positive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There comes a point where change is too little, we learn, too late.

There is no change, but where change is allowed.
Change has to have a pathway in your mind.
Those pathways are all uphill.

Your husband has given up on you. 

Take the hint, take the hit, move-on.

Divorce, take your time, find a compatible man.

We all make mistakes, some live with them for a lifetime.
You were not given that option.
Lucky you, yes, lucky that.


_King Brian-_


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Mcheyenne said:


> Neither one of us are sleeping with other ppl . I trust my husband whether we are on a break or not I do not worry about that at all .


We have heard similar sentiments here before. Much to are chagrin, it was not true.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I see, feel silence.....

.....................................................................

The (Cheyenne) people are those proud.

I see that you are not ready to admit defeat.

It is your life, handle it as YOU see fit.
All we see is the rift, and the split.

It is easy for us to say (for you)...... goodbye, my husband.

Healing is out of our hands, yet, in yours.
No one says you cannot continue trying.

Give yourself a time period, think 6 months to a year.

Life moves on, we are swept along with it, some of us seen weeping.

Weeping is good.
It shows a deep love of life's bounties.



_The Typist-_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mcheyenne said:


> He says we have nothing in common , he does make time to see me with his work schedule we do see each other . We’ve never had any sexual issues everything else is great . It’s just we have nothing in common . But we also have a 3 year old and I work as well and our schedules are way off so we don’t see each other much . He works shift work and I don’t , I got a condo and my daughter and I live there and he does say he loves me and he always will love me but that time will tell . He didn’t want to get a divorce which is why we wanted to try separating but I apparently am not so ready for what I thought I was . I literally barely eat , I don’t do my makeup anymore I don’t even care what I look like and I used to be in love with doing my makeup and just everything being so perfect . I’m that depressed through this and I am definitely trying my hardest to stay positive .


Please look after yourelf as you have a small child to care for. If you don't do it for yourself do it for her. She must be terribly sad and upset that her dad has abandoned you both. Be the best mum you can.
I dont think that separations are a good idea, and dont see the point of them. Unless you make the separation for a set time with conditions attached to them you could be in this limbo situation for ages. Sometimes people leave and just suggest a separation because it seems kinder than suggesting a divorce.Its not. It really doesn't seem clear why he has left, just saying we have nothing in common seens odd especially as he claims to still love you and he has his daughter. After all, you have a marriage and child in common for a start.
What does he think or want to happen in this time? Could there be another reason? Marriage counseling may be a good idea so that a third party can help you both through this time and get to the bottom of why he left. 
Do you have family nearby? Can you go to things with your little girl and make friends?It will be good for her to mix with other children as well.


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## seekercv2020 (Oct 5, 2020)

I am separated from my husband too but I think of it as a positive thing to re-evaluate our marriage. I go to individual counselings, I force myself to exercise daily and eat healthy. I read self help books and share my feelings to other people instead of keeping it all to myself. It is difficult but I believe you can do it. If you feel depressed, you can talk to your doctor to get on medication, take actions. You have absolute no control over how your husband feel or act, but you are in charge of yourself. It is not attractive to sit around and complain without making any changes. It is Ok to feel sad but do not let sadness controls you, you control yourself. I have little kids too so I want to make sure I am healthy for my kids. It is very very hard but it takes one day at a time. If I fail, I will try again.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

"We have nothing in common," is all too often a man's way of saying "My new girlfriend and I have lots in common." So, OP, I advise that no matter how much you trust your husband, you be awake and aware of that as a possibility. 

In the meantime, the sadness, lack of interest, lack of self-care, not eating, etc. you are describing is depression. You're apparently familiar with depression, so you should know that. What are you doing to effectively treat your depression? That's where you need to start. Get in to see your doctor or psychiatrist and get medication, or an adjustment to your current medication, to help you get through this depression. If you don't have a doctor or aren't getting the help you need from your doctor, then go find one who is willing and able to help you. You cannot expect to not be depressed if you aren't treating your depression! 

And, frankly, if depression is an ongoing battle for you that isn't being effectively managed, then that might just be the reason your husband wanted to separate in the first place. It's hard, and exceptionally draining, to live with a depressed person. That difficulty is _greatly_ magnified if the depressed person isn't actively participating in effectively manage their illness.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So you work opposite shifts and barely see each other, and his solution is to suggest separation in order to see each other even less, but also to drip feed you just enough attention to keep you thinking there's hope you can get back together.

Unfortunately, the least surprising thing possible here is that he's met someone at work. He likely spends more time with them day to day, than he does with you. So that relationship can become more significant than the marriage, simply because of all the contact he has with them.

"Time will tell" means time will tell if he can make a relationship work with this other person. If he can't, he'll come back to you as a Plan B.

Your depression is likely a factor in all this happening, but it's best to think of it as a second issue to address (no matter what), rather than an excuse for what's going on with him. Or put another way, your depression can help explain why he's not getting what he wants/needs from the marriage, but it does not excuse him for going outside the marriage.

"We have nothing in common" is rather subjective, and seems designed to make you feel bad, accept blame for the state of the relationship, while not giving you anything objective to do to address it. It's designed to make you wait for "time will time" to play out.

I mean if you have nothing in common now, there's no reason to expect you'll have something in common in the near future. Which means separation serves no purpose, but to delay divorce.


Oh and it's a huge flag that something is up, in that he's simply allowed your daughter to live full-time with you.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

You need to demand your husband either come home to work on the marriage or file divorce. You will feel this way much longer the longer you are left in limbo. It will be impossible for you to recover when you dont know if he is coming back to you or leaving you.
Hes testing the waters. You say you trust him but he's doing the classic cake eating of a cheater. He likes living a bachelor life but when he's feeling lonely or horny he will come back to you. He enjoys being able to play husband and dad when its convenient for him. Having you on the back burner as plan B is convenient for him too.. This leaves you in a terrible state. Take control of your life and tell him he needs to either come home and work this out together or he needs to sign on the dotted line and give up his access to you as his wife. He cant have it both, its tormenting you.
Leaving won't be easy emotionally but once you know the relationship is over for good and you take a future with him out of the picture it allows you space to think about yourself, your 3 year old, and what you need to do to get your life in order. There are plenty of other people out there and a lot of opportunities and experiences to have.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

If you are going to try separation, you need separation. By that I mean he doesn't come around, you don't share your day. and above all else.... NO SEX. I would be in the "I wonder who is his girlfriend" crowd. Maybe or maybe not but that does not change my answer. He is trying to find out if living separate is what needs to be done. But that is not what he is doing.
So sorry you are here, the next step is the hardest, and lots of people cant do it. Hang around here long enough and you will see them with the same problem year after year. The next step is the 180. Need to talk about your daughter, fair enough, everything else is a no. He will never realize your value until he has NONE of it. At that point her will either decide that he cant do without you or he will be gone. Either way you will not be in limbo, limbo sucks the soul dry.
Be strong, get some counseling.....alone. Good Luck


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