# Is your R a success if you still look behind for daggers?



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Did you "settle" on a R because no matter who you are married to, you would always be looking for the stab in the back? This also includes a different spouse in the future. Shrinks and counselors do not help either. Those experts came to the conclusion that is what I have turned into. They said its permanent damage and some people end up that way. They get ruined. It's no different than a soldier coming home and he is consistently looking for snipers.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

It took my wife about 15 yrs to quit making cheating comments/accusations. I would like to punch her X in the mouth for all HIS **** I had to endure over the years.

Last time was a year ago when we bought our home we have a young blond single mom living behind us. I had lost 60 lbs and buffed up prior to move.

She told me had a dream about her......later i was mowing the yard and neighbor was working in hers...stopped and said hi across the back fence as i had not met her.....wife was asleep and she was not well with it at all........she never told me the dream was she walked in on me tangled up with the single mom. 

This was after our 17th anniversary. Cheating leaves visable scars for a long, l o n g time.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

i didn't "settle" for R, even though my Ex was begging to, still is after our D is now final. I don't think I will ever trust anyone fully again. Not like I did him. So while I might not fully trust anyone in the future I don't see it as a horrible thing, a little sad that I'll be going into future relationships a bit jaded. But chances are the person I'd be getting into a relationship with will have some of their own scars.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....hyper-vigilance is commonly in the cards for the betrayed spouse. 

....my "life motto" ....prior to being betrayed was ..'trust no one, suspect everyone, question authority'.

.....post betrayal ....that went into overdrive.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I understand that there are no guarantees in relationships, or even marriage for that matter. I know I am jaded after my WW affair. If reconciliation doesn't work for me I will never marry again. It's not sad that I will never marry again as much as I will never be able to trust enough to marry again. When I am out and see a couple walking holding hands, my first thought is are they a couple? Or an I looking at the OW or OM? If I know the couple is married I begin to think who will cheat first. The scars from infidelity are much more deeper then some can imagine. 

If I told my friends what has happened, half won't believe me. The other half would say I'm crazy and that my wife is completely devoted to me. How scary is it that the people closest to you could see nothing wrong? Our story is not very different from anyone's here, wife cheated and as the BS I have a choice of divorce or reconciliation. But yes the scars from this relationship would carry over to any other relationship I have. 

In ways I don't understand how I could not look over my shoulder in a new relationship. Infidelity is the cruelest act a spouse can inflict upon a relationship. For the BS it will change any relationship they have in the future, even if they don't intend to make changes. Infidelity causes change to just about every facet of your life, so to look over your shoulder, or expect a knife in your back is self preservation to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I believe that we must look at this from a perspective of probability. In 2009' the latest year I could find data, there were 10.8 million car accidents. This includes everything from minor "fender benders" to devastating totalities. There were 210 million licensed drivers in the U.S.. This means that there exists a 5.14% probability that one will be involved in a crash of some magnitude each time one drives a motor vehicle. Therefore, statistically speaking, one is prone to crashing one time for each 19.44 times they drive a vehicle. Do you think of this each time you get behind the wheel of an automobile? The chance is there but yet we never consider it.

If you do not have an accident every 19.44 times at the wheel then you are beating the odds. Sometimes by luck but, more often than not, by due diligence. So, if we therefore adopt the same line of thinking to our relationships, we could just as easily expect to avoid "accidents" both by experiencing good fortune, which admittedly is pure chance and by exercising selective caution in selecting and/or forgiving a SO.

One is only capable of doing their best, the rest is fate. As we exercise diligence, to the best of our ability, one must then trust in their abilities and the possibility that random chance will work in their favor. To live otherwise limits ones ability to enjoy life, at least to some degree and life is simply too short to allow that. I realize that this is simple in concept but extraordinarily difficult in execution. It is nonetheless true and we would all be well served to grasp it. I struggle with it daily.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Interesting question OP. I am not in R, never was as that option did not exist for me. I am in a much healthier relationship now. I learned hard lessons from my XWW's actions as well as my own. I am applying those lessons in a new relationship. It seems to be working very well. Do the new GF and myself blindly trust each other? No. But we have had several conversations and have clearly defined boundaries. We also have a transparent relationship with open communication. She can see my email, phone, etc. and I have the same option to see hers. This approach seems to be working for us. 

Do I still think about my XWW? Yes, we coparent two great kids, but I do not want her back or trigger any more.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

I took my kids out yesterday to a park filled with families. I'd often notice some of them on their phones texting. I couldn't help but think of when my WW would go with us. Wondered how many times she was texting the OM during times we were out together. It made me wonder how many of these couples might being going through what I did with my WW. Even at work when a coworker complains about their spouse. I think to myself, "I hope this person doesn't get blindsided like I did."

I'm hoping that I can eventually start feeling normal again. My WW cheated on me twice and the 2nd time is what bothers me the most since I learned to rebuild trust again. Only to get burned the 2nd time. I think for the time being, I be alone for a while. I have my kids and they keep busy. Doesn't help that my wife and the OM are a couple right now.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> I believe that we must look at this from a perspective of probability. In 2009' the latest year I could find data, there were 10.8 million car accidents. This includes everything from minor "fender benders" to devastating totalities. There were 210 million licensed drivers in the U.S.. This means that there exists a 5.14% probability that one will be involved in a crash of some magnitude each time one drives a motor vehicle. Therefore, statistically speaking, one is prone to crashing one time for each 19.44 times they drive a vehicle. Do you think of this each time you get behind the wheel of an automobile? The chance is there but yet we never consider it.
> 
> *If you do not have an accident every 19.44 times at the wheel then you are beating the odds.* Sometimes by luck but, more often than not, by due diligence. So, if we therefore adopt the same line of thinking to our relationships, we could just as easily expect to avoid "accidents" both by experiencing good fortune, which admittedly is pure chance and by exercising selective caution in selecting and/or forgiving a SO.
> 
> One is only capable of doing their best, the rest is fate. As we exercise diligence, to the best of our ability, one must then trust in their abilities and the possibility that random chance will work in their favor. To live otherwise limits ones ability to enjoy life, at least to some degree and life is simply too short to allow that. I realize that this is simple in concept but extraordinarily difficult in execution. It is nonetheless true and we would all be well served to grasp it. I struggle with it daily.


I think the correct conclusion is that you are beating the odds if you don't have an accident every 19.44 *years*, not every 19.44 times you get behind the wheel.

The general point is still correct, of course. :smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I don't know if I am settling, i think not after so long of investing your whole life (27 years know each other) with someone, to walk away if it is salvageable is difficult.

I remember a pastor once saying that often affairs happen because 20% is missing from the marriage so the AP moves to the OM/OW but soon realizes that they gave up the 80% in the marriage and now what they have is also missing something. In other words, leaving and starting again results in other problems unless of course the cheating and current problems are so bad that it affects mental and emotional health, then it's time to give up.
I have always had high expectations of myself and my H but i guess sometimes he cannot live up to those expectation and I have to live with that. If we can get into a comfortable place, with mutual love, respect, friendship and understanding, then I will be content enough I guess. Trust is the main issue for me but I think we can get there eventually, I am hopeful.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

TrustlostHearbroken said:


> I took my kids out yesterday to a park filled with families. I'd often notice some of them on their phones texting. I couldn't help but think of when my WW would go with us. Wondered how many times she was texting the OM during times we were out together. It made me wonder how many of these couples might being going through what I did with my WW. Even at work when a coworker complains about their spouse. I think to myself, "I hope this person doesn't get blindsided like I did."
> 
> I'm hoping that I can eventually start feeling normal again. My WW cheated on me twice and the 2nd time is what bothers me the most since I learned to rebuild trust again. Only to get burned the 2nd time. I think for the time being, I be alone for a while. I have my kids and they keep busy. Doesn't help that my wife and the OM are a couple right now.




Reconciliation is a leap of faith, much like entering a new relationship. You trust a little and then your partner earns more trust as the relationship progresses. At times it works good and at other times it fails. In my case my WW is earning trust with me, she is transparent, remorseful, regretful, and has a bulldog mentality to make this work, despite her devastating decision. It also helps the love we have for one another, even though during her affair I questioned that very love. 

TrustLostHeartBroken, your WW failed you, you have nor ever had control over that. You only have control over you, you need to be the best you you can be. It took me a long time to understand this, and to fix what was broken in me. Since this came up in IC I have been getting better, in fact I can actually smile on some days. Concentrate on you, then on your kids, yes you before the kids. You can't be great for them until you are great with yourself and being your best. Once you reach this it will resonate to your kids and your bond grow much stronger. I'm a firm believer you can't care for others if you are broken yourself. So concentrate on you and then others and you will be much happier.

Also, in case you don't see this, your WW never deserved the caliber of person you are. I hope you do find that person who will love, cherish, and honor the man that you are and always have been. I pray that you find peace and happiness in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

*Re: Re: Is your R a success if you still look behind for daggers?*



drifting on said:


> Reconciliation is a leap of faith, much like entering a new relationship. You trust a little and then your partner earns more trust as the relationship progresses. At times it works good and at other times it fails. In my case my WW is earning trust with me, she is transparent, remorseful, regretful, and has a bulldog mentality to make this work, despite her devastating decision. It also helps the love we have for one another, even though during her affair I questioned that very love.
> 
> TrustLostHeartBroken, your WW failed you, you have nor ever had control over that. You only have control over you, you need to be the best you you can be. It took me a long time to understand this, and to fix what was broken in me. Since this came up in IC I have been getting better, in fact I can actually smile on some days. Concentrate on you, then on your kids, yes you before the kids. You can't be great for them until you are great with yourself and being your best. Once you reach this it will resonate to your kids and your bond grow much stronger. I'm a firm believer you can't care for others if you are broken yourself. So concentrate on you and then others and you will be much happier.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the encouraging words. I am going to IC at the moment to better myself. Last IC, I was asked if I wanted her back. I responded with a no. She basically told me to do things in the 180. Which i was doing already. I just have to continue moving forward. 
I'm just grateful I was able to find TAM. This community has been helpful.


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