# the Iphone and FB destroyed my marriage!



## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Hi I'm new. no disrespect for the Dead but Thanks A Lot Steve!!! for creating that stupid Iphone!!!  I found out a few weeks back my wife of ten years cheated on me. I first discovered by cracking her FB account and was floored to find an EA/PA from last year to april this year.  That day I decided to do nothing because we have a five year old daughter.  The next day I dug some more and found another dude!!! also some flirtingpossible EA with a cousin that she visited in South America this year!  I had seen a text from him that said I love you so much I questioned her at the time but she blew it off. so I have a lot of evidence of infidelity. I am going through so many emotions now I don't know what to do. Unfortunatly the marriage has been difficult she is from South America She went through a lot of culture shock here. I have tried to love her help her in everything I have fought for the marriage the last three years she has really changed made new friends started going out a lot and got an iphone around then and starting texting all the time we went from 200 texts a month plan to unlimited quickly and she blocks the phone never lets me see gets annoyed if I bug her about it. There were a lot of signs a lot of things I guess I didn't want to believe. So I was blind as a bat. We would argue she was spending too much time with the friends and staying over at slumber parties because she didn't get to do it as a kid and they were going to drink so not to drink and drive. I told her it was wrong for a wife to stay out all night blah blah. I though about getting gps tracking for her car. I was more and more suspicous. to much texting and going out but the clincher she started to say "I'm just going out with "amigas" I'm not doing anything wrong" --uh huh! I started looking up cheating habits and that is a classic line! I didn't think she was capable of cheating I helped get a visa for her Dad who lives with us now and helps with out daughter. 
Everything I suspected and argued about I was right that phone 
was the end of us she became more and more private and had a world in the phone and left me out. It's like she unofficially left the marriage in 2008 without telling me. Now ironically we are both going through the motions only she doesn't know I know.
I'm thorough the looking glass trying to act like everything is the same when my mind is exploding. I thought of six senarios
1) thought of three bad ideas (edited)
these are the three non starters and never really were in consideration the ones I'm left are
1) Divorce-- I've been down that road before this is my 2nd marriage I don't want a judge telling me I can only see my child half the time and have to support a Lying cheating B.... W....
2) Do nothing remain in limbo wait to figure it out somemore 
3) Confront her and work out arrangement 

So far I'm stuck in 2 which is hell but for my daughter. if not for her I'd divorce in a heartbeat. I did meet an attorney and he said file and do emergency restraining and kick her and her dad out which would be somewhat satisfying but we are struggling as it is I am about to start a 2nd job and I don't have any family here (texas) to help babysit 
I'm worried she is a possible flight risk to south america but my daughter doesn't have a current passport and I put her on the alert program if a passport is filed. 

I know she doesn't love me I've read it in enough fb messages between the OMen! arggh! and female friends that she would leave if the opportunity was there and how she wants nothing to do with me so I don't want to save the marriage I just want the best for my daughter the attorney said be the father of the year and I am trying to do that. Its hard but I'm trying to not think of other women or starting my own FB I'm being carefull to delete histories of my online doings. But I'm really jacked up
want to kick the OMen's butts and throw things around but I'm playing it cool for now.... thanks for reading any advice comments are welcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear this happened to you.

The iPhone and FB didn't destroy your marriage -- your wife did. 

Option 2 is bad. Do nothing = nothing changes. Shooting hre and the OM? I hope you're joking and will assume you are.
Divorce? If you want to...but first I'd confront her with what you know and go from there.

let her know you won't live in an open marriage.

Decide what you want first and go from there.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

No no wouldn't couldn't ever shoot anyone just a thought like a quick movie scene that you quickly cross off as a non starter. Just a mental release. but not a real possibility Ironically I don't hate her I should but I don't wish her pysical harm but I wouldn't mind kicking some butt on the guys not exactly Christian but we don't have to br doormats. but I don't want to make a mistake if I do divorce first and go for custody. Number 2 sucks but all three suck so I'm reading up trying to come up with the best thing. If I confront her I lose the possible advantage I have now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem isn't the phone, the problem is your wife is a serial cheater. Take away the phone and she would still be cheating.

Does she work? If not then cut off the money.stop paying forthe phone and for her dates.

But the bottom line is you have married a sersl cheater, and it s doubtful she is going to stop. She has zero motivation to stop.

I think you need to get a lawyer and mske your wife's life very difficult. Only them might you get her attention, but it doesn't sound like it will work inher case. She hasn't guilt or respect for you or the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One very good thing you can do, is find the other men's wives and girlfriends and expose their cheating. It will make your wife very unpopular with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Both of these EA/PA ended with her being heartbroken -more irony but yes serial cheater the only good quality she has is being a good mother to our daughter she does love her but is setting a lousy example for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> Both of these EA/PA ended with her being heartbroken -more irony but yes serial cheater the only good quality she has is being a good mother to our daughter she does love her but is setting a lousy example for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do so many people claim cheatng moms are still good mothers? A good mother would be protecting her kids family.mthey would be choosing to do what it took to see their home happy and safe. Instead they are choosing to go out and get their jollies with other men. It's selfish,it sets the example for how the kids shoud treat their relationships.

So, no, she isn't a good mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I currently pay my exwife child support so that I can see my kid more than "every other weekend and once during the week" that all dads get whether minister or convict.
So yeah, a cheating wife/mom has instant pull in a court here in TX, because evidently, cheating is not a sign of parenting skill.

So I had to take what I knew would influence my ex the most, and use that to barter more time with my child.

Its great to be a part time dad.

I spend my evenings sitting in an empty house now, after ten years of a house full of family.
When my daughter is with me, Im too broke to do anything really fun with her. 

tonite I have to go see the witch just to see my kid in a school play. I'd rather never see the ex again, if you know what i mean..

BTW, yep, that fking Iphone was glued to her face nonstop, still is, and her life consists of work, and coming home sitting on the couch and texting away..

Currently watching her throw herself at guy #2 since our divorce...
pretty sad really.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I know you care about your daughter, but if the marriage is in a bad shape, it will eventually affect your child down the line. You must find a way to fix the situation by seeking either R or D. If you want R, you must confront her and demand she own up to her doings. If she refuses, then you have to file for D, by which you are actually helping your daughter in the long run. 

Cultural difference is huge. Also, your W just learning the new lifestyle here in the states leads her to act the way she is. We see this all the time. It's as though she is trying to compensate for what she never experienced growing up in her home town. No matter what niceties you provide for her, she will not recognize it as something to appreciate, and instead she will take it as something she is entitled to. My XWW was kinda like this. She grew up with a lot of resentment for not having things in early days, and once she has those after marrying me, she became this huge taker trying to compensate for all her past hurt and resentment at my expense. 

Maybe in your situation, there is not much you can do to change that. She will have to learn and mature thru living the hard life after divorcing you, which is also what my XWW did. Now, she is in her 2nd M, acting more like a normal wife. Life isn't fair, I guess.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Thanks shooboomafoo I went through that in my 1st divorce being too broke to do anything with the kids after giving money to the ex thats what I'm afraid of adding insult to injury in court. There isn't any sites that show how many times dad's come out ahead in texas or who is the best dad's attorney. i say she is a good mom only becuase she loves my daughter and my daughter ofcourse loves her but otherwise you are right she isn't a good mom at all. But the upside is while she is often out I get time more with my daughter. So for now I'm in emotional hell but I'm full time Dad. But I marvel how she can cheat and not be full of guilt. I never cheated on anyone in my life don't understand it. She should have ended the marriage officially instead of this. I cringe now at times she acts nice and I think why have you done this evil thing to us? To our daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Blind:

There's no stats on how often dads come out "ahead" and who the best dad lawyer is because it all depends on the Judge.

Don't hide the kid from her... that would be very bad. But don't get a second job to continue to bankroll her and her dad.

Find a lawyer... I'm in Texas and work for a law firm - so if you want to PM me what county you are in, I might be able to help with a referral to a good family law lawyer.

I can tell you that, generally, Judges in Texas don't give a rat's *** that she has sex with someone else, unless she did it in the presence of the child (but you can request that she not have persons of the opposite sex in her residence while the child is present). 

They, however, do not look kindly upon people wanting to abscond with the children to another country... so that could be something in your favor... if you can get a geographical restriction to your county on the child's residence (which is pretty standard), she may just give the daughter to you and pack up and move back to S. Amer. I see it happen all the time.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? You both need to be tested. She is playing you for a total fool. If the roles were reversed would she be sitting around afraid to say anything? She clearly has no respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> Blind:
> 
> 
> I can tell you that, generally, Judges in Texas don't give a rat's *** that she has sex with someone else, unless she did it in the presence of the child (but you can request that she not have persons of the opposite sex in her residence while the child is present).


which totally sucks! cheating should be illegal with automatic fines and jail time. I wish it did count


> , she may just give the daughter to you and pack up and move back to S. Amer. I see it happen all the time.


I wish but highly doubt it.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD? You both need to be tested. She is playing you for a total fool. If the roles were reversed would she be sitting around afraid to say anything? She clearly has no respect for whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


No I won't as far as sex it had been so infrequent the last few years she hasn't noticed. I thought she had lost her interest in it 
because I allways had to initiate it WRONG! I accused her on not knowing the difference between making love and sex WRONG again. She wrote some guy how she longed to make love while with me it was just sex. :scratchhead: I did fall one time since discovery I know I know what was he thinking!! I was very vunerable and slipped but that will be it I'm done I'm going to get checked out.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are the affairs still on?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Print off Texas divorce papers, start filling them out and leave them laying around. 

The reason your in this mess is you were being "nice" and had no boundaries.

Sart reading here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

So far you've done/doing everything wrong. Sorry you are here, good luck.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Are the affairs still on?


The ones I discovered appear to have ended though I'm not 100% about one, nothing new on facebook but continued flirting with new "friends" 
the thing I don't have access to is the dern iphone with direct texting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Print off Texas divorce papers, start filling them out and leave them laying around.
> 
> The reason your in this mess is you were being "nice" and had no boundaries.
> 
> ...


again I would file if not for my daughter and I probably will but I want to do everything to make sure its the best for my kid 
if it was just about what's good for me that would be different but a divorce will really effect her life. I apreciate the comment
but some people are like runaway trains.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> again I would file if not for my daughter and I probably will but I want to do everything to make sure its the best for my kid
> if it was just about what's good for me that would be different but a divorce will really effect her life. I apreciate the comment
> but some people are like runaway trains.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My point was to leave the papers lying around to see what her reaction was. You don't seem ready to file. It can take some people longer to figure out what to do when kids are involved.

Your in the same boat Radically Accepted was in. He had to change his name and I don't remember his original thread name. At first they were going to live together with kids while she dated OM as she pleased.

What is your financial situation? Who pays for what?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you can get access to the PC the iPhone syncs with you can get emails n's texts from the backups.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What tools are using to monitor your wife's activities? Are you trying to save your marriage?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> again I would file if not for my daughter and I probably will but I want to do everything to make sure its the best for my kid
> if it was just about what's good for me that would be different but a divorce will really effect her life. I apreciate the comment
> but some people are like runaway trains.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you aware that if your wife felt it advantageous that she would file for divorce? Better prepare a divorce plan of action before she decides to do it for you. Click on the link below my signature 'Dads divorce' and go read the some of the stories of fathers who got divorced. Read what worked and what didn't work for them.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

I don't understand what are you waiting...You can wait 100 years and monitor and watch how your wife is cheating on you again and again but nothing will change and she wont stop until you man up and confront her...
and when you confront her you must file for divorce so that she knows that you are serious (if things get better you always can stop the divorce)...if after the confrontation you are weak and needy and if you beg her or anything else like that the affair will only go underground and you will have a second D-day...

Man up and respect yourself because if you dont respect yourself neither will she...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look. You live in the great state of Texas. NO ALIMONY and term spousal support is available depending on how long the marriage has been. Child support is limited. GET DIVORCED! it is better for you and your daughter. If she is an alien who used your marriage for a green card, you may be able to use that as leverage. DON'T STAY IN A TOXIC RESPECT-LESS RELATIONSHIP


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

I feel for you bro! My STBXW is also South American. Her immediate family is back home in South America although she has extended family (cousins, aunt, etc.) nearby to us. Married for 12 years with 2 girls (10, 7). Yes, the cultural differences are a big thing. I think in retrospect we both underestimated the challenge (communication especially). Ironically, it was the culture differences (and personality differences) that attracted us to each other. Ultimately, in our case at least, the differences ended-up being too great and pushed us apart I believe.

You need to man-up however and do the 180 at this point. File for D (you can always drop the suit) and start moving in that direction. Detatch. Focus on yourself and your kids. Show her your best side without catering to her needs and demonstrate to her in no uncertain terms about the man she is going to lose.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Good points guys. I found this place stumbling around the internet wondering if anyone had been through it nice that you can drop in to forum like this up intil now I have told only one friend no one else. still in somewhat shock and what stops me is my daughter I had been divorced and my first wife got a lion's share of time with the kids while I paid support ugg and that is what hurt the most was the time apart from them I don't want to be apart from my daughter because of a judge that is my conundrum I mean my daughter is with me right now watching tv and coloring as I type wife is out working. It's not a man up thing it's what will it do to my daughter's life thing. It's also economic just with my current job not sure I can swing it all. I am about to start a 2nd job have to figure out what divorced schedule will work and have the coverage needed
I plan to work nights but I don't want to give up my daughter being at my house at night because I'm trying to make more money )--I'm not leaving this house the neighborhood sucks but I have made all the payments--) but I will look into the D I believe it is inevitable as I don't see her being repentive and coming to me crying and begging to take her back sh'yeah! only remorsefull and angry that I got into her FB account.
shaggy she backs up the iphone but I have an ipod don't know how to get the texts from itunes


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

KanDo said:


> Look. You live in the great state of Texas. NO ALIMONY and term spousal support is available depending on how long the marriage has been. Child support is limited. GET DIVORCED! it is better for you and your daughter. If she is an alien who used your marriage for a green card, you may be able to use that as leverage. DON'T STAY IN A TOXIC RESPECT-LESS RELATIONSHIP


Ya know how much the Britney (ugg not a fan of her music!) song "Toxic" comes to mind lately? she is toxic


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> Good points guys. I found this place stumbling around the internet wondering if anyone had been through it nice that you can drop in to forum like this up intil now I have told only one friend no one else. still in somewhat shock and what stops me is my daughter I had been divorced and my first wife got a lion's share of time with the kids while I paid support ugg and that is what hurt the most was the time apart from them I don't want to be apart from my daughter because of a judge that is my conundrum I mean my daughter is with me right now watching tv and coloring as I type wife is out working. It's not a man up thing it's what will it do to my daughter's life thing. It's also economic just with my current job not sure I can swing it all. I am about to start a 2nd job have to figure out what divorced schedule will work and have the coverage needed
> I plan to work nights but I don't want to give up my daughter being at my house at night because I'm trying to make more money )--I'm not leaving this house the neighborhood sucks but I have made all the payments--) but I will look into the D I believe it is inevitable as I don't see her being repentive and coming to me crying and begging to take her back sh'yeah! only remorsefull and angry that I got into her FB account.
> shaggy she backs up the iphone but I have an ipod don't know how to get the texts from itunes


Shamwow's thread has the way to get the texts if she backs up on a computer. Its a long thread though.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I can already tell your the best thing this kid has going for them. YOU should get custody of the kid and expect her to pay support to you. Don't buy the line that you should sit around supporting your wife while she screws other guys and doesn't love you. All you are doing is modeling that behavior to your daughter by letting her see it. Even if she doesn't get it now, she's going to find out when she grows up and your actions will speak volumes about how she can treat guys and how guys should treat her.

What I'm going to say is going to sound really rude, but you're acting like a little biatch. You're letting your wife screw around and you don't even have the gonads to confront her on it. MAN UP! You're a good dad, you're a good provider, there are ladies all over this country that would kill to be in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to love them and be taken care of. Why are you letting this woman who has no respect for you ruin your life? Grow a pair and start having some self-respect!! Get a new pair of pimpin' threads, throw your shoulders back and your head up, and kick this chick to the curb. She's not your wife, she's a well-paid prostitute (sex a few times a year for free rent and child care??). She doesn't love you, she's not attracted to you, she doesn't respect you, she has no concern for your welfare.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Shamwow's thread has the way to get the texts if she backs up on a computer. Its a long thread though.


or if you're not tech savvy, buy this-

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

COguy said:


> I can already tell your the best thing this kid has going for them. YOU should get custody of the kid and expect her to pay support to you. Don't buy the line that you should sit around supporting your wife while she screws other guys and doesn't love you. All you are doing is modeling that behavior to your daughter by letting her see it. Even if she doesn't get it now, she's going to find out when she grows up and your actions will speak volumes about how she can treat guys and how guys should treat her.
> 
> What I'm going to say is going to sound really rude, but you're acting like a little biatch. You're letting your wife screw around and you don't even have the gonads to confront her on it. MAN UP! You're a good dad, you're a good provider, there are ladies all over this country that would kill to be in a committed relationship with a guy who wants to love them and be taken care of. Why are you letting this woman who has no respect for you ruin your life? Grow a pair and start having some self-respect!! Get a new pair of pimpin' threads, throw your shoulders back and your head up, and kick this chick to the curb. She's not your wife, she's a well-paid prostitute (sex a few times a year for free rent and child care??). She doesn't love you, she's not attracted to you, she doesn't respect you, she has no concern for your welfare.


Hey guys I appreciate the comments but for the Man Up group
its not about my happiness I'm getting to point of I don't care what she does--except what effects my daughter. I can see her as a possible future friend/coparent I don't know--that's if we can get past the s-storm that's coming. but love is gone it caught a cab, I don't see R as a possibility what's left? D or A A=arrangement which still might be better for my daughter I'm weighing the two options I have--I need a new thread. what we have is not a marriage its the shell of what was it's really like invasion of the body snatchers: "today everything seems the same but everything has changed" and all this has to come to an end but If I go ahead and file now can any of you guarantee it will be better for my daughter? I think I am Manning up by putting my child's needs ahead of my own - yeah I would like to kick her to the curb and her Dad too who his always 100% in agreement with her- be nice if the man had one original opinion! but I have to work out how and when and what.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is from another country watch out for her running with the kid. Maybe you should get and hold your daughters passport.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Blindasabat said:


> Hey guys I appreciate the comments but for the Man Up group
> its not about my happiness I'm getting to point of I don't care what she does--except what effects my daughter. I can see her as a possible future friend/coparent I don't know--that's if we can get past the s-storm that's coming. but love is gone it caught a cab, I don't see R as a possibility what's left? D or A A=arrangement which still might be better for my daughter I'm weighing the two options I have--I need a new thread. what we have is not a marriage its the shell of what was it's really like invasion of the body snatchers: "today everything seems the same but everything has changed" and all this has to come to an end but If I go ahead and file now can any of you guarantee it will be better for my daughter? I think I am Manning up by putting my child's needs ahead of my own - yeah I would like to kick her to the curb and her Dad too who his always 100% in agreement with her- be nice if the man had one original opinion! but I have to work out how and when and what.


It is the biggest lie I can think of, one perpetrated by cheating spouses only (my wife gave it to me while she was cheating), that it is better for kids to be living together with cheating spouses then apart.

You think it is better for your daughter to see the hostility, the resentment, the lack of respect, the anger between you two?

It would be better for you to be homeless with your daughter eating out of the trash can then to stay in this situation. Kids can get over poverty with relative ease, it takes a lifetime of counseling to heal from the scars of poorly modeled parenting.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

COguy said:


> It is the biggest lie I can think of, one perpetrated by cheating spouses only (my wife gave it to me while she was cheating), that it is better for kids to be living together with cheating spouses then apart.
> 
> You think it is better for your daughter to see the hostility, the resentment, the lack of respect, the anger between you two?
> 
> It would be better for you to be homeless with your daughter eating out of the trash can then to stay in this situation. Kids can get over poverty with relative ease, it takes a lifetime of counseling to heal from the scars of poorly modeled parenting.


True My daughter is catching on but unfortunatly my witch er wife has no sense of propriety and will argue in front of my daughter even company!!! but I'm trying to not engage when my daughter is around I think if it was all in the open and we had an arrangement instead of a false marriage it would minimize greatly the hostilty (and perhaps best an arrangement with a termination date)


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If she is from another country watch out for her running with the kid. Maybe you should get and hold your daughters passport.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Daughter's passport expired it would be obvious if I took that one but I did put her on the gov alert program if a new one is filed I will be notified and I'm on record as opposing the issue of one.


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