# How to trust again and get past his affair



## BetrayedWifey (Oct 13, 2016)

I stumbled across this site while looking for resources to help me get past my husband affair. Here is my story. Sorry it's so long but I wanted to include all of the details.

Our story starts in the summer of 2006. We were both living in NH when we met. I was married to my high school boyfriend and we shared a house with one of his friends. It was more like a room mate situation rather than a marriage. We grew apart. I met H while working a part time job. He was living with his GF of 7 years when we met and was unhappy in his relationship but couldn’t live on his own so he never left. We started spending time together after work and at lunch and we grew close. We both knew what we were doing wasn’t right and we ended our relationships at home and moved in together. Financially it made sense and we didn’t have any kids to worry about, so it seemed like a good idea. We fell in love and got married the following summer, June 2007. I was pregnant with our first son at the time. He was born that October. After he was born we decided to move to FL, since my parents moved there and H was originally from there. Fast forward several years and our youngest son is born, January 2011 after trying for a long time. Everything is going well, we are a happy family. In 2012 I had the opportunity to stay home and start my own business so I took the chance and was able to stay at home with my two kids and still make money. In 2014 I took up horseback riding, which I did as a kid. I was very happy during that time. Horses became my “me time” and competing in shows was a life goal for me. All was going well, H supported everything I did and came to watch me ride and to the shows. We had a lot of fun. Then in April 2015 he had the chance to start working for a company that he has been wanting to get in with for years. The job was in New York state. He has family there so the plan was to move up there. We put our house up for sale and he went up to NY by himself to start the training and what not. I stayed behind with the kids to sell the house and let them finish the school year. We facetimed regularly and talked every day. Missed each other. Turns out he got drunk at a bar one night and went home with some girl and slept with her. I never knew about this until recently. He said he regretted it as soon as he realized what he did. He never told me because he knew how much it would hurt me and he was afraid I would leave him. I honestly can’t say how I would have reacted at the time. I would have been upset for sure but I don’t think I would have left him. It’s hard to say. So that summer after the kids were done school I packed up what I could and we drove up to NY to stay with his father and step-mother while we waited for our house to sell and while we looked for a house up there. I had to give up my horse and sell all of my tack and items that I loved. I was so upset about that but financially I couldn’t keep her in FL and couldn’t afford to move her to NY. I had to give up what I love so he could get this job in NY. Turns out our house didn’t end up selling and we still didn’t have our own place in NY so I came home with the kids in August to get them back to school. H ended up getting let go from the job in NY and came home as well. Our house finally sold and I got a job down here and closed my home business. He got picked up by the same company here and we moved in our current house. Everything was going fine. 

Now throughout the years we’ve had our share of arguments and spats. After 10 years together we started to get on each other’s nerves and knew how to push the others buttons. Our life got very routine and we never went out together, just the two of us. The focus was always on getting the bills paid and taking care of the kids and the house. We forgot about us. He told me I let myself go, which in a way I did. I miss riding and was sort of depressed when I had to give it up (for him). I gained the weight back that I lost while riding and was just getting too comfortable I suppose. Our sex life was very routine as well. Twice a week at best and it wasn’t anything really spectacular. He never told me how he felt. Never said he was unhappy or that we had to work on our issues. I guess I just came to accept our life as it was and considered it normal.

Now it’s August 1st and this is where everything happens. That morning he received a text on his phone from some woman, programed in his phone with her name. The text was just dots (....) which I thought was odd. I asked him who she was and he said she was a customer. I asked him why he had a customers number in his phone and he said he calls them to see if they have anything for him to pickup when he’s working. Ok, sounds plausible. Later he told me that she said her daughter was messing with her phone on the way to daycare and must have sent the text. (Now I know that was a lie because her daughter is 14). August 3rd I check my phone records. There are a TON of phone calls to her number going back to July 19th. Half hour to 45 minute conversations every morning and every night on his way to and from work. I question it and he says she’s just a friend and they’re talking about work stuff because they have a mutual friend that works there (more lies). He doesn’t like me questioning him so he threatens to leave and says he wants a divorce. We talked that night, he told me he was unhappy and had been for years. I cried my eyes out and poured my heart out to him. He said we will work on it. The next day things are seemingly fine. He said he would delete her number and stop talking to her. But he didn’t delete it. He just changed the name to John. I called him out on it and he went back to saying he wants to leave. So I made him start sleeping in the living room. August 6th he went to stay at a friends house. He posted pictures on facebook of them out having a great time and I left a comment on one that he looked like he was celebrating, having a great time for someone who just left his wife. He didn’t like that I made the comment and I eventually deleted it. He kept getting defensive and denying the other woman but I knew better. I knew what he was up to but all he wanted to do was fight about it and insist that I was wrong. August 9th she calls him from an unavailable number. They are still talking. August 12th I find a picture of the two of them together that he sent to a friend, bragging. I confront him with it and his face turned white. He couldn’t tell me who it was. I already knew who it was. He told me he doesn’t care. So I told him I’ll post it on facebook and see who cares then. So I did. I posted the picture and called him a scumbag cheating husband. I deleted the post later that day. He tried telling me it was a friend of his who was down visiting with her husband. I knew better. I knew it was her. He tried to lie about it but I wasn’t buying it. After that I just wanted him out of the house. I couldn’t stand looking at him.

Meanwhile I come across an old friend of mine on facebook and we reconnect and start talking. He was a friend from high school, my older brothers friend actually. We hooked up when I was about 16 years old. We have some history. It was nice to be able to talk to another guy about what was going on, he himself had been through it recently with his wife cheating and them getting divorced. Well, H saw all of our messages and got jealous. He accused me of cheating, of all things. This guy lives 1500 miles away and all we did was talk on the phone and text. No where even close to what he did. At least now he finally admitted that he cheated (but says no sex, so he says).

August 15th started out very bad with the fighting but by the afternoon he was thinking that he made a mistake. I think me talking to the other guy had a big part in that. He told me he still loves me and he made a mistake. He wanted me to forgive him. He ended whatever he had going on with her and showed me the texts where he told her he wanted to work things out at home and that he wanted to disconnect from her. He said he wanted to do counseling and work things out. He deleted and blocked her number. We started working on our relationship and it was going well. Our sex life was better and we were happier in general. Never made it to the counseling appointment.

Monday August 22nd he said he was meeting his friends who were in town at their hotel to hang out. I agree and was fine with it. Then around 10pm I check the location tracker on his phone and it’s off. So I knew something was up. (I found out later that she was with them). He got very defensive and angry and said he didn’t want to be tracked like a dog and wasn’t going to live like this. (If he had nothing to hide then having the location tracker on shouldn’t matter). I told him it takes more than a week to rebuild trust. So now he’s done again. We had a good week so I was pretty surprised that he was going right back to being done and wanting a divorce again. (Now I know why, it was because she was back in the picture). I gave 100% that week and it wasn’t enough. So he’s back to staying in the living room. He wants a divorce. He’s talking to her again and seeing her after work, some nights he didn’t even come home. Said he was at a friends house but I know better. He was making plans to move in with her since he can’t be alone. He can’t take care of himself. Meanwhile we are fighting every day. Insults are flying. It is a very stressful environment. Kept telling me over and over again to move on, that it’s over and he’s with her now. Made it very clear that we were done.

So now he’s staying in the living room and seeing this other woman. We fight every day, he throws his affair in my face, and says very mean and nasty things to me. I retaliate and we keep fighting. It got so bad that on August 29th I had to call the cops to the house for verbal abuse. They suggested I file an injunction so the following day I go down to the courthouse to do that. They set a court date for the following week and he got served papers. He was fuming about that but I told him I would dismiss it if he agreed to calm down and work with me. My main issue was him taking the kids to meet his mistress. Very wrong in so many ways. He told them they were going to have 2 moms and a new sister! He’s talking to her about marriage already! It was all too crazy for me to handle. I forced him to move out so he moved in with her. They went to the beach with a hotel over labor day. He sent me a picture of them together and said how happy he was. Nice, huh? He also sent multiple pictures of her and of them to his friends and family, bragging about how happy he is and how he loves her. Bragging to everyone about how he cheated on his wife. And they were all happy for him! I couldn’t believe it!

Wednesday September 7th we had a talk. We decided we need to stop the fighting and be amicable for the kids sake. Thursday he said he would watch the kids at my house on Saturday so I could go out (with a guy I met). Said it would be good for me to go out. He told me he has good and bad days, adjusting to his new life with this new woman. I told him he got what he wanted, why should it be hard? Then Thursday night he asked me if I still loved him. I told him I’ve always loved him. He’s been my heart for 10 years, it’s hard to just turn that off. He told me he had some regrets and that I deserve better than him. He told me he was crying his eyes out as he was writing it. This is where he starting changing his mind about what he did. Friday he was an absolute wreck. Balling his eyes out in the parking lot before work. Throwing up. Uncontrollable sorrow. Very messed up inside. Shaking and just an emotional mess. I’ve never seen him like that before. Never. He said this was the biggest mistake he ever made in his entire life. He said he didn’t know how he would go on with out me. He said he wants me back and I told him I wasn’t sure how I could ever get past what he did with her and what he did to me. He came over Friday night to talk and to see the kids and he cried like I’ve never seen him do before. He was very sincere, but I still couldn’t take him back. He still had her picture as the wallpaper on his phone! I told him he made his choice, she’s right there on his phone. He left and told me that he was up all night crying. He said that no matter what he did he always assumed I would take him back. I said no a million times. It finally hit him that I was done and ready to move on. He couldn’t sleep. Came over Saturday morning and we talked some more. We spent the day together and he ended it with her, went and got all of his stuff and came home. We went out that night as a family and it was nice. He was happy to be home and I was glad to have my husband back. He was very clingy and attentive, very sweet and romantic. He told me the truth about everything and gave me full access to his phone with location tracker on. So far it’s been going well except that he no longer wants the tracker on because he doesn't want to be tracked like a dog. That bothers me.

The hurt and pain he caused me was something I’ve never felt before. And to have it come from the one person who I thought would never do that to me hurts even more. The mental pictures of them together are very hard to get past. Knowing that they had sex, her sucking his d*ck, him eating her pu**y, lived together, probably even showered together, is very hard. Told his friends she was a 10 naked. And the fact that he showed her off to everyone but has yet to tell those people that he’s no longer with her and that he wanted his wife back, hurts as well. I saw a few messages that they sent to each other a while back, where he called her his future wife, she said he’s her future husband and he said he loved her. She sent him a picture of a ridiculous engagement ring. That hurts. I don’t know if he was just saying it to make her feel special or if he was just infatuated, but I don’t see how he could love her after only a few weeks of sneaking around. I do believe him about being sorry and that he loves me more than he could ever love her, he was very real and sincere when he came to me broken down. But it’s still so hard to get past what he did.

It’s been a month since he’s been home and it’s been going well. Our sex life is the best it’s ever been, much more intimate and close. We’ve been getting along well too. He refuses to leave the location tracker on, says he doesn't like it. That bothers me, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here. He's been coming home after work and her number is still blocked, although he can still see her because of work, so that bothers me. He says he feels nothing for her and is past it. It's so hard for me to stop thinking about them and what they did. It pops in my mind every day. I don't know how to get past it and move on. And rebuild the trust. It so hard. I'm hoping by the remorse he showed and him saying he doesn't ever want to feel that way again and doesn't want to hurt me like that again is real. When I say my husband never cried in the 10 years we've been together, I mean it. I've never seen him as emotional as he was that Friday. Never. I hope he really did learn his lesson and get it out of his system. I still don't know exactly why he did it. I know she dug her claws into him, she's 10 years older as well. She is a sh*tty human, can't even raise her daughter right (skips school, on drugs, etc). She's horrible. I guess he like the attention she gave him. Idk. Karma will get her I hope.

How can I move on and get rid of the thoughts? How can I trust him again?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

His GF of 7 years found out he cannot be trusted. You should have known that when he cheated on her with you. But you found out the hard way. Again. 

He has cheated at least three times in the story you told. How in the world do you think you can trust him not to cheat a 4th time?

You either learn to accept he might/can/will cheat again or you divorce him. Two simple choices.

Wifey, huh?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BetrayedWifey said:


> How can I move on and get rid of the thoughts? How can I trust him again?


You can't and you shouldn't.

I'm very sorry you're here, but I'm afraid you're not going like the advice that most posters are going to give you; including me.

Your husband is a serial cheater. He will cheat again; with her or someone else. The way he not only cheated on you; but threw it in your face, is unforgivable. I'm sorry but he's a low life POS.

Not only that, he's not even pretending to demonstrate remorse. Not allowing you to track him; continuing to work with her? That's the opposite of remorse. Wake the hell up dear. You have drawn and erased your line in the sand so many times, I'm sure he thinks you won't ever leave him. He knows you're his door mat.

You don't have to be. You deserve better than him. Divorce his sorry @ss and find someone who will be faithful to you before you waste more years of your life.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wifey,

I'll add one more thing. I'm not necessarily pro divorce. I'm pro marriage - under the right circumstances. In fact I've reconciled with my WW. Today makes 5 years to the day that I caught her - and let me tell you her betrayal was brutal.

But more than anything, I'm pro "best outcome". Whether that be R or D.

I don't know your husband, but I know cheaters. And the combination of his serial cheating, his total disrespect for you when he was, and his lack of transparency now; indicate he will continue to cheat and that he's not remorseful. Serial cheaters are all but incapable of genuine remorse. You can almost count on him repeating the pattern.

Keep posting.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

The affair is still going on. Other than sex and living with you... Where is the work from his end to repair your marriage?

Therapy? Books on infidelity?
His phone is to be transparent for you to access. The tracker should be a NON issue for faithful partners. He's not a dog. He's a cheater.

Divorce him.

Or if you want learn more truth.... put a VAR in his car. (Voice activated Recorder) about $50. 

Sex during lunch breaks... Happens.
They with at the same company?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Without the active participation of the betrayer in reconciliation, regaining trust is impossible. In my situation I think that if the right circumstances arise (no pun intended) my ex WS will cheat again. Which is really f**ked up if you consider that her lack of participation just lays the groundwork for it's inevitability. As though she is creating the perfect excuse all over again.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

BetrayedWifey said:


> He refuses to leave the location tracker on, says he doesn't like it. That bothers me, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.


Don't kid yourself. You aren't giving him anything. He's doing what he wants and you're going along with it because you are afraid. 

He wins, you lose.


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## BetrayedWifey (Oct 13, 2016)

TaDor said:


> The affair is still going on. Other than sex and living with you... Where is the work from his end to repair your marriage?
> 
> Therapy? Books on infidelity?
> His phone is to be transparent for you to access. The tracker should be a NON issue for faithful partners. He's not a dog. He's a cheater.
> ...


They don't work together. He is a package delivery driver and she is a manager at one of the stores he delivers at. If she's working, he would see her when he delivers there. That's it. No time for sex, that I know. His job is very demanding. The affair isn't going on, and I have access to his phone and I manage the phone records. No calls to her or the store. Her number is blocked in his phone and she is blocked on Facebook. It's over with her. But I'm worried about the future.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You can't, with either. He can flip the switch at any time and you deserve better. Kick him out. Tell him to **** off. He didn't give two ****s about you and the damage he did while he was ****ing someone else and rubbing it in your face. How could you want to be with a POS like that? Wash you hands of him. It is the ONLY way. gtfo


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

BetrayedWifey said:


> They don't work together. He is a package delivery driver and she is a manager at one of the stores he delivers at. If she's working, he would see her when he delivers there. That's it. No time for sex, that I know. His job is very demanding. The affair isn't going on, and I have access to his phone and I manage the phone records. No calls to her or the store. Her number is blocked in his phone and she is blocked on Facebook. It's over with her. But I'm worried about the future.


Burner phone. He doesn't want to be tracked because he keeps both phones on him. Who cares anyway? He was ****ing this chick and he ****ed some other chick and you were the other woman at some point. Once you cheat one time, it is easier to cheat the next time. ESPECIALLY when you get away with it.


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## BetrayedWifey (Oct 13, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Burner phone. He doesn't want to be tracked because he keeps both phones on him.


He doesn't have another phone. He's honestly not that smart or tech savvy. And I see him empty his pockets when he gets home and I have access to his car. There's nothing there.


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## BetrayedWifey (Oct 13, 2016)

Herschel said:


> You can't, with either. He can flip the switch at any time and you deserve better. Kick him out. Tell him to **** off. He didn't give two ****s about you and the damage he did while he was ****ing someone else and rubbing it in your face. How could you want to be with a POS like that? Wash you hands of him. It is the ONLY way. gtfo


The remorse and sorrow he showed when he realized the massive mistake he made is the only reason I took him back after saying no a million times. I've never seen him so broken down before. That's the only reason I agreed to try again. He was a POS for sure. It made it very easy for me to want to move on and walk away. But then when I saw him broken I guess that trumped it. I also wonder if he has a mental problem.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BetrayedWifey said:


> The remorse and sorrow he showed when he realized the massive mistake he made is the only reason I took him back after saying no a million times. I've never seen him so broken down before.


I'm sure he could have felt and showed genuine emotions. But don't confuse that with remorse. Emotions are fleeting. If the only reason you believe he's remorseful this time, unlike the other times; is that he cried like a baby - that's you being manipulated by him. We see that here all the time.

If he was genuinely remorseful, he would have no problems with you tracking him; in fact he would encourage it. He would find a way to ensure no contact with the OW; even if she is on his delivery route. 

I and most other posters believe you're making a huge mistake by giving him yet another chance. That's the consensus. You'll be hard pressed to find someone here who will offer advice on how to navigate R, when they don't believe you should be in R in the first place. 

You're an adult and it's your life; so of course you can choose to ignore the advice. But I do feel bad for you; because we've seen this movie before.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

badmemory said:


> I'm sure he could have felt and showed genuine emotions. But don't confuse that with remorse. Emotions are fleeting. If the only reason you believe he's remorseful this time, unlike the other times; is that he cried like a baby - that's you being manipulated by him. We see that here all the time.


OP, serial cheaters don't know what remorse IS.

Don't confuse his crying dog and pony show - which was all about what *HE* stands to lose - with 'remorse.' People like him don't have a clue what remorse is. What you were seeing was *regret*. Regret that he got caught and was about to pay the PRICE for his sh*t behavior. He wouldn't know true remorse if you gave him a guided tour of it. 

I'm going to break it down real simply because it can be confusing. A 5 year old kid is playing with a ball in the house and breaks his mother's family heirloom vase. When she comes out in the living room and starts yelling at him, naturally the kid starts crying in fear that he's going to get spanked or sent to his room or be dealt some kind of horrible punishment - so of course he's crying and begging for forgiveness. But if you believe for ONE minute that the kid's tears are for his *mother's* pain at losing her precious family heirloom, then you'd be very, very wrong.

Your husband wasn't crying for YOUR pain. He was selfishly crying for his OWN. That's regret, not remorse.



> Turns out he got drunk at a bar one night and went home with some girl and slept with her.


In all honesty, you already* knew *he's a cheater and a liar because _that's_ how your relationship started with him - by him cheating on his live-in girlfriend with you.

It's often said, "you lose them the way you got them." 



> There are a TON of phone calls to her number going back to July 19th. Half hour to 45 minute conversations every morning and every night on his way to and from work. I question it and he says she’s just a friend and they’re talking about work stuff because they have a mutual friend that works there (more lies). He doesn’t like me questioning him so he threatens to leave and says he wants a divorce.


Not surprised. He's a liar and a serial cheater and just keeps proving it. I'd be willing to bet good money there are *many* indiscretions you still don't know about over the last 10 years. *Many*. 



> So he’s back to staying in the living room. He wants a divorce. He’s talking to her again and seeing her after work, some nights he didn’t even come home. Said he was at a friends house but I know better. He was making plans to move in with her since he can’t be alone. He can’t take care of himself. Meanwhile we are fighting every day. Insults are flying. It is a very stressful environment. Kept telling me over and over again to move on, that it’s over and he’s with her now. Made it very clear that we were done.


....and history repeats itself once more.



> He told me he had some regrets and that I deserve better than him.


That's probably the only honest thing he's *ever* said.



> It’s been a month since he’s been home and it’s been going well. Our sex life is the best it’s ever been, much more intimate and close. We’ve been getting along well too. He refuses to leave the location tracker on, says he doesn't like it. That bothers me, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.


He's a *serial cheater*. They don't stop cheating and they don't suddenly become Husband of the Year. They put on a big dog and pony show getting you all happy and secure and complacent again - like he's doing right now with you - while they just take their dirty deeds further underground where it's harder to catch them. But if you believe for ONE minute this guy has changed, then be prepared to have the rug pulled right out from under you.

Again.



> She is a sh*tty human, can't even raise her daughter right (skips school, on drugs, etc). She's horrible. I guess he like the attention she gave him. Idk. Karma will get her I hope.


Did you ever consider that maybe she was YOUR karma from your affair with this cheater so many years ago?



> How can I move on and get rid of the thoughts? How can I trust him again?


Taking someone like this back sent a horrible message. It told him he can cheat, lie, DESERT his family, disrespect you to the *core*, be a completely shi*tty father to his kids - and you'll STILL take him back with open arms. Worst message you could ever send this guy.

This won't be the last time he shows you his true colors. But DO know having access to his phone and phone records means nothing anymore with all those free apps that let you talk and chat and text over them that don't show up on your bill - and the ability to HIDE these apps for cheaters who want to hide them from their spouses. He's a snake but he's putting on the performance of a lifetime.

You'll see.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

badmemory said:


> I'm sure he could have felt and showed genuine emotions. But don't confuse that with remorse. Emotions are fleeting. If the only reason you believe he's remorseful this time, unlike the other times; is that he cried like a baby - that's you being manipulated by him. We see that here all the time.


OP, BadMemory is correct - that ain't remorse.

Don't confuse his crying dog and pony show - which was all about what *HE* stands to lose - with 'remorse.' People like him don't have a clue what remorse is. What you were seeing was *regret*. Regret that he got caught and was about to pay the PRICE for his sh*t behavior. He wouldn't know true remorse if you gave him a guided tour of it. 

I'm going to break it down real simply because it can be confusing. A 5 year old kid is playing with a ball in the house and breaks his mother's family heirloom vase. When she comes out in the living room and starts yelling at him, naturally the kid starts crying in fear that he's going to get spanked or sent to his room or be dealt some kind of horrible punishment - so of course he's crying and begging for forgiveness. But if you believe for ONE minute that the kid's tears are for his *mother's* pain at losing her precious family heirloom, then you'd be very, very wrong.

Your husband wasn't crying for YOUR pain. He was selfishly crying for his OWN. That's regret, not remorse.



> Turns out he got drunk at a bar one night and went home with some girl and slept with her.


In all honesty, you already* knew *he's a cheater and a liar because _that's_ how your relationship started with him - by him cheating on his live-in girlfriend with you.

It's often said, "you lose them the way you got them." 



> There are a TON of phone calls to her number going back to July 19th. Half hour to 45 minute conversations every morning and every night on his way to and from work. I question it and he says she’s just a friend and they’re talking about work stuff because they have a mutual friend that works there (more lies). He doesn’t like me questioning him so he threatens to leave and says he wants a divorce.


Not surprised. He's a liar and a serial cheater and just keeps proving it. I'd be willing to bet good money there are *many* indiscretions you still don't know about over the last 10 years. *Many*. 



> So he’s back to staying in the living room. He wants a divorce. He’s talking to her again and seeing her after work, some nights he didn’t even come home. Said he was at a friends house but I know better. He was making plans to move in with her since he can’t be alone. He can’t take care of himself. Meanwhile we are fighting every day. Insults are flying. It is a very stressful environment. Kept telling me over and over again to move on, that it’s over and he’s with her now. Made it very clear that we were done.


....and history repeats itself once more.



> He told me he had some regrets and that I deserve better than him.


That's probably the only honest thing he's *ever* said.



> It’s been a month since he’s been home and it’s been going well. Our sex life is the best it’s ever been, much more intimate and close. We’ve been getting along well too. He refuses to leave the location tracker on, says he doesn't like it. That bothers me, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.


He's a *serial cheater*. They don't stop cheating and they don't suddenly become Husband of the Year. They put on a big dog and pony show getting you all happy and secure and complacent again - like he's doing right now with you - while they just take their dirty deeds further underground where it's harder to catch them. But if you believe for ONE minute this guy has changed, then be prepared to have the rug pulled right out from under you.

Again.



> She is a sh*tty human, can't even raise her daughter right (skips school, on drugs, etc). She's horrible. I guess he like the attention she gave him. Idk. Karma will get her I hope.


Did you ever consider that maybe she was YOUR karma from your affair with this cheater so many years ago?



> How can I move on and get rid of the thoughts? How can I trust him again?


Taking someone like this back sent a horrible message. It told him he can cheat, lie, DESERT his family, disrespect you to the *core*, be a completely shi*tty father to his kids - and you'll STILL take him back with open arms. Worst message you could ever send this guy.

This won't be the last time he shows you his true colors. But DO know having access to his phone and phone records means nothing anymore with all those free apps that let you talk and chat and text over them that don't show up on your bill - and the ability to HIDE these apps for cheaters who want to hide them from their spouses. He's a snake but he's putting on the performance of a lifetime.

You'll see.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Kick his a$$ out of the house for good, then get yourself to your doctor pronto to be checked out for the presence of STD's!

Then go see a piranha family attorney to assess your legal rights and start divorce proceedings!

You damn well don't need any more of his drama or the accompanying of his incessant cheating!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BetrayedWifey said:


> I stumbled across this site while looking for resources to help me get past my husband affair. Here is my story. Sorry it's so long but I wanted to include all of the details.
> 
> Our story starts in the summer of 2006. We were both living in NH when we met. I was married to my high school boyfriend and we shared a house with one of his friends. It was more like a room mate situation rather than a marriage. We grew apart. I met H while working a part time job. He was living with his GF of 7 years when we met and was unhappy in his relationship but couldn’t live on his own so he never left. We started spending time together after work and at lunch and we grew close. We both knew what we were doing wasn’t right and we ended our relationships at home and moved in together. Financially it made sense and we didn’t have any kids to worry about, so it seemed like a good idea. We fell in love and got married the following summer, June 2007. I was pregnant with our first son at the time. He was born that October. After he was born we decided to move to FL, since my parents moved there and H was originally from there. Fast forward several years and our youngest son is born, January 2011 after trying for a long time. Everything is going well, we are a happy family. In 2012 I had the opportunity to stay home and start my own business so I took the chance and was able to stay at home with my two kids and still make money. In 2014 I took up horseback riding, which I did as a kid. I was very happy during that time. Horses became my “me time” and competing in shows was a life goal for me. All was going well, H supported everything I did and came to watch me ride and to the shows. We had a lot of fun. Then in April 2015 he had the chance to start working for a company that he has been wanting to get in with for years. The job was in New York state. He has family there so the plan was to move up there. We put our house up for sale and he went up to NY by himself to start the training and what not. I stayed behind with the kids to sell the house and let them finish the school year. We facetimed regularly and talked every day. Missed each other. Turns out he got drunk at a bar one night and went home with some girl and slept with her. I never knew about this until recently. He said he regretted it as soon as he realized what he did. He never told me because he knew how much it would hurt me and he was afraid I would leave him. I honestly can’t say how I would have reacted at the time. I would have been upset for sure but I don’t think I would have left him. It’s hard to say. So that summer after the kids were done school I packed up what I could and we drove up to NY to stay with his father and step-mother while we waited for our house to sell and while we looked for a house up there. I had to give up my horse and sell all of my tack and items that I loved. I was so upset about that but financially I couldn’t keep her in FL and couldn’t afford to move her to NY. I had to give up what I love so he could get this job in NY. Turns out our house didn’t end up selling and we still didn’t have our own place in NY so I came home with the kids in August to get them back to school. H ended up getting let go from the job in NY and came home as well. Our house finally sold and I got a job down here and closed my home business. He got picked up by the same company here and we moved in our current house. Everything was going fine.
> 
> ...


He's lying. If he really was remorseful he would do everything to put you at ease including allowing the tracker. You allowed him back in too soon. He is having his cake and eating it. He may even be cheating, but taking it underground. For a man who was going to marry her etc his about turn is too good to be true, tread cautiously. When it happens again, and it will, kick him out, do the 180 and seek a lawyer. In fact now you should get an investigator and have him tracked, put a VAR in the car, etc. Don't assume everything is ok. He has go back into your heart, getting sex from you, good home life, the kids etc and probably getting his ego kibbles on the side. Be careful!


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

BetrayedWifey said:


> They don't work together. He is a package delivery driver and she is a manager at one of the stores he delivers at. If she's working, he would see her when he delivers there. That's it. No time for sex, that I know. His job is very demanding. The affair isn't going on, and I have access to his phone and I manage the phone records. No calls to her or the store. Her number is blocked in his phone and she is blocked on Facebook. It's over with her. But I'm worried about the future.


There are chat programs like WhatsApp and Kik that do not show up on a phone bill. The fact that he doesn't want the location tracker on his phone is a huge red flag. Crocodile tears are just that. I have seen a number of posters like you who later came back and said to the members here, "You guys were right; I should have listened the first time."

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always true, but in your husband's case, it is. He cheated on his ex girlfriend with you, and now he's cheated on you with this older woman. You broke your ex boyfriend's heart, and now you've reaped what you've sown. I predict he'll cheat on you again, because he has not experienced any consequences for his betrayal. Only this time, you may not find out since the tracker is off. Where there is a will, there's a way. If you're okay living with that uneasy feeling, that's your choice but I would never advise chasing after a cheating spouse. The second chance that you've offered him MUST be on your terms but you've folded. Again. Good luck, you're going to need it for the tough days ahead.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You seem to think that it's your job to learn to trust him, but that is backwards. I wrote and article on this subject that might be helpful to you. Can You Ever Trust Him Again? | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World

Stick around and keep posting. There are people who will speak truth to you and help you see what is really going on and ways to deal with it more effectively than you currently are.


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## BetrayedWifey (Oct 13, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, serial cheaters don't know what remorse IS.
> 
> Don't confuse his crying dog and pony show - which was all about what *HE* stands to lose - with 'remorse.' People like him don't have a clue what remorse is. What you were seeing was *regret*. Regret that he got caught and was about to pay the PRICE for his sh*t behavior. He wouldn't know true remorse if you gave him a guided tour of it.
> 
> ...


This has opened my eyes, thank you. I've never had this happen to me, let alone from my husband of 10 years and father to my kids so forgive me if I have no idea how to handle the situation. 

Yes, we did get together under deceitful circumstances. He told me when we got together that he has never cheated before, but obviously I don't know if that's true because I didn't know him before then. I'm not innocent either, I cheated on my ex husband before and again when I met my H. I'm not defending my actions, but we were more like roommates then a married couple, young, living together out of habit. No excuse, I know. Anyway, when we decided to leave our relationships for each other we made a promise that we would never do what we did to each other and would tell the other person if we weren't happy or had thoughts of someone else. Obviously he broke that, for reasons we can all see. I on the other hand have been nothing but faithful to him. Never had another thought of another man in the last 10 years. I was a devoted wife and mother. Getting too old for that BS anymore. So of course when it happened to me the first thing I thought was karma. But where's his karma? 

Leaving at this point won't solve anything. I would be financially hurt, the kids would be hurt, and I'd feel like a failure if I didn't try to work on this marriage with him. I know him well. He lies. I know this. He deletes texts he doesn't want me to see. He says they don't concern me. From both men and women, friends and family. He deletes them and this is our current argument. He feels the need to check my phone like I'm the cheater, when all I did was talk to a male friend after he left for her because he went through it and was there for me. So now I have a "boyfriend". I'm sick of being accused of something I didn't do. What he did with her was 1000x worse than me talking to someone on the phone. 

Every time we fight he takes off his ring and says he's done and wants to leave. I told him last time (Saturday) to just go then. But a few hours, or a day later it's like nothing happened and he's sorry. I can't keep doing this. We need the therapy and since he can only go on Saturday, it's hard to get that appointment since they only have one Saturday a month. The appointment isn't until November. We had one for October 8th but the hurricane canceled it. 

Anyway, I know what he did is awful, and his treatment toward me is inexcusable. The only reason I am still holding on is to give the therapist a chance to evaluate us and him and see if maybe he has a mental condition. I want to know what she thinks of the whole situation. I don't want to give up on 10 years, on our family unit, on our future (if we have one), or finances, health benefits, ect. My whole world would be turned upside down in a divorce but I would do it if I feel the need to. I was close before. And I get that he didn't really show true remorse, because he said he doesn't ever want to feel like that again (sick, hurt, crying, etc) which was caused by his own actions but he also doesn't want to hurt me again. So he says. 

He isn't cheating now, I keep damn good tabs on him and I can tell by how he acts if he's hiding something. And if he gets caught again, which I will catch him if he's that stupid to do it again, then it's over for sure, no if ands or buts about it. I didn't know about the drunk time in NY until he came back from his affair and told me about it while he was confessing everything. Said he regretted it immediately. And I do believe it was an isolated incident, though it hurts just as much.

I don't feel like my situation is typical of other affairs that I've seen on here. There's just so much more to it and it would take me forever to type it all up. Right now I'm just trying to get past what he did with her and not think about them together. He left her to come home and says he thought of me every time. Again, could be a lie. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my entire life.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*I don't feel like my situation is typical of other affairs that I've seen on here.*

You're wrong. 

He's behaving like a typical serial cheater; and unfortunately, you're reacting like a typical co-dependent BS. I'm sorry to tell you, but you're in complete denial, just grasping for justifications due to your fear of divorce.

We see that quite often here.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

BetrayedWifey said:


> I don't feel like my situation is typical of other affairs that I've seen on here.


That's because it's happening to YOU.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I'm saying because HE WANTS the tracker OFF his phone is a RED FLAG. There should be NO reason for him to be concerned about being tracked. I am not worried if my wife wanted to use a tracker on my phone and I can track hers (but I haven't checked for a long time).

Off goes the tracker... and he can go somewhere for an hour that he shouldn't be. Or maybe have a 30min "lunch and sex break" at that OW's work.

When I caught my cheating behind my back, it was because I checked her tracking. I knew when she left home, where she went (his apt) and that they stayed for about 30~40 minutes. They were not talking, which is what she told me the first time.

Unblocking and re-blocking is not difficult. Also, check his FB on his phone... does he have more than one account?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WHY WHY WHY WHY do you want to stay with him?? He could not be more disgusting if he tried! 

WHY do you think that THIS is all you deserve in life?? Where is your self respect??


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