# Am I overreacting?



## Devotedwife3 (Feb 3, 2015)

My husband & I have been together 8 years. We have small children & for the most part we are deeply in love. My husband comes from a broken home mixed with domestic violence, abandonment, death & drugs. He is a loving man & he's overcome so much! My need for advice stems from the fact that I'm not sure I can handle the man he's become. We were married a year when he started showing his true colors. He's possesive & controlling. He wants me to be happy but I'm not allowed to have friends, or go anywhere alone. He constantly asks if I'm cheating on him because I won't have sex with him everyday. He thinks if I go to the grocery with our small children I'm cheating. I'm never alone, I'm a stay at home mom. I'm not cheating or even giving him a reason to think I am! I've tried to discuss with him, he won't communicate at all. When I ask him about his day he barely answers, if I talk about the kids' & I's day he ignores me. When I question why he won't ack me he says I'm nagging him. Any conversation he says I'm nagging him or *****ing. I feel so alone! My kids are scared to death of his temper, he's not normally physical. He's never hit me. He tells me constantly that I'm fat, or puts me down to our children which our oldest has begun mirroring which breaks my heart. He says he's teasing but when I mention that it's hurtful I hear how *****y & nagging I am. I pick my battles, I let a lot roll off my back but it's come to the point now that he's threatening to leave me & harm himself, all because I tried to have an honest conversation. I love him, we love our children, are we doing more harm together than we would apart? We can't afford a psychiatrist & he won't go if we could. Please, I really need help. For my children's sake & my sanity! I expect & greatly appreciate constructive criticism, he & I are in this together & I want to improve anything I may be doing so we can fix us!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sounds awful!



> We can't afford a psychiatrist & he won't go if we could.


He must seek IC. He has anger issue from what I can tell from your post. Calling you fat, etc. This will escalate if not addressed right now. I wish I could offer more advise but from what you describe your H has some deep seated issues that need to be addressed professionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not sure how you can love a man who treats you like this. I think you are in love with the person you hoped he would be. It's a confusing situation to be in. But surely you do not love the actual man who mistreats you horribly.

Please explain this further: " he's not normally physical." When is he physical? What happens when he is physical and how often.

The place to start with this is for you to get to a organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse. You need to put a support system in place.

Do you have any family near you who can be supportive of you?

Do you have access to a car and money? Or does he control those?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

A # of the things you spoke of is on this list... Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man 


> We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out.
> 
> *1.* *Jealousy & Possessiveness* – Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
> 
> ...


Hotlines for help here.. Domestic Violence - National Hotlines & Resources -


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You need to make sure he knows how bad it is. He doesn't know right now. Of that I am sure. He wouldn't act that way towards people he loves if he did.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Give it another 8 years or so and you will end up like me. Mine (SCARY how similar he sounds) dumped ME 12 years into the marriage. HE has to want to change, and you have to learn and enforce boundaries.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> You need to make sure he knows how bad it is. He doesn't know right now. Of that I am sure. He wouldn't act that way towards people he loves if he did.


People like her husband do not hear their spouse when she (or he) tells them how bad it is. That's the problem. This is who he is.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

He is a toxic personality-disordered person. Most personality disorders do not respond to treatment, and most personality-disordered people will refuse to go anyway.

The fact that you are trying to figure out what you are doing to cause his behavior means you have some work to do- normal, healthy people don't blame themselves for someone else's abusive behavior - they kick them to the curb.

Start examining your options and making a plan to get out. You owe it to your children.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say he's a loving man. But your description of him is the opposite of loving. 

C


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were married to my ex-husband.

Someone above nailed it: you are in love with the man you hoped he would be.

Even if your husband loves you, he is too broken to have a relationship with. If your eldest child is now mirroring his behavior towards you, then unfortunately your husband is training the next generation to be abusive.

Yes, you are married to an abuser, even if he has not hit you (yet).

You MUST get counseling to determine your options. This is an imperative unless your want to see your eldest child treat his/her spouse the same in in the future.

You should be able to find a local low- or no-cost counselor through a domestic violence hotline.

Do you want to live this way the rest of your life? If not, go forward this very day as you mean to go on the rest of your life.

And best of luck to you. May you have the courage to live the rest of your life as you were meant to.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

He sounds like an absolute mess, what do you possibly see in him?


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Has he ever sought counseling, read books, looked up information on the internet about anger or abuse? Does he express remorse for his anger after one of his outbursts?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Devotedwife3 said:


> My husband & I have been together 8 years. We have small children & for the most part we are deeply in love. My husband comes from a broken home mixed with domestic violence, abandonment, death & drugs. He is a loving man & he's overcome so much! My need for advice stems from the fact that I'm not sure I can handle the man he's become. We were married a year when he started showing his true colors. He's possesive & controlling. He wants me to be happy but I'm not allowed to have friends, or go anywhere alone. He constantly asks if I'm cheating on him because I won't have sex with him everyday. He thinks if I go to the grocery with our small children I'm cheating. I'm never alone, I'm a stay at home mom. I'm not cheating or even giving him a reason to think I am! I've tried to discuss with him, he won't communicate at all. When I ask him about his day he barely answers, if I talk about the kids' & I's day he ignores me. When I question why he won't ack me he says I'm nagging him. Any conversation he says I'm nagging him or *****ing. I feel so alone! My kids are scared to death of his temper, he's not normally physical. He's never hit me. He tells me constantly that I'm fat, or puts me down to our children which our oldest has begun mirroring which breaks my heart. He says he's teasing but when I mention that it's hurtful I hear how *****y & nagging I am. I pick my battles, I let a lot roll off my back but it's come to the point now that he's threatening to leave me & harm himself, all because I tried to have an honest conversation. I love him, we love our children, are we doing more harm together than we would apart? We can't afford a psychiatrist & he won't go if we could. Please, I really need help. For my children's sake & my sanity! I expect & greatly appreciate constructive criticism, he & I are in this together & I want to improve anything I may be doing so we can fix us!


This is abuse. Just because he has not hit you does not mean you rule out abuse, this is abusive. 

Was he with a woman previously that cheated on him? 

You need to start reading about abusive relationships, control and jealousy especially. If you can seek counseling I highly suggest it.

If you do not get out from under this you will lose yourself to his control and that will not be good for you or your children. Your sons will learn this is how to treat women and your daughters will learn this is the way to be treated, not good!

Please bear with me about my own person experience. I was on the rebound after a divorce and a very charming understanding man came into my life interested in me and my children. He was so kind, bought me things I really needed like a washer. Little by little he started with the control you mentioned. He was jealous, he accused me of looking at other men when I wasn't, he wanted to know my schedule and contacts and then would question me if I was not home when he thought I should be. I tried to make him understand he had nothing to worry about but I was not heard. He wanted my kids in bed an hour earlier than their bedtime so he and I could spend time to ourselves. He started taking over as dad and wanted my girls to call him dad, he wanted to discipline them. Once I was sun bathing in the back yard and there was a couple dishes in the sink.....he said my priorities were mixed up....he basically wanted me in the house. If we got into any kind of conflict he would twist my wrists to control me. He did not want me going to the gym. I started drinking more than I should have been, gained 20 pounds, he then called me fat and was concerned for my drinking. Funny but this is what he said about his other two wives.

What I didn't realize is that he had continued to see another woman that he had been interested in when he and I started dating. Once I found this out I put all of his stuff out of my house and changed the lock on the door. This is where it got even worse.

I was stocked day and night. He went thru my trash to get any information. I had changed my telephone number, he found the receipt. He went to my parents crying how much he loved me. He picked up one of my kids after school and would question her and then tell her not to tell. He tried to run me off the road at a high rate of speed which then I ended up running to my dad's work place and seeking shelter. My oldest was old enough that she called 911 on him several times and police were brought out. He broke into my house one night and attempted to rape me. I was not safe in my own home. I put two restraining orders him and eventually moved out of state. I found out when I kicked him out he moved in with a different woman that he knew form his work route.

Don't let this happen to you and your children. Get out! You do not deserve to be treated this way and there is no way to help your husband. He has big issues.


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