# please help me



## HunnaGirl (Dec 24, 2014)

I was going through pictures on our back up drive - there are literally thousands, trying to create a photo book of my kids. I found several pictures of random women. My hubby took these on the train or out in public. He zoomed in on feet/legs, as he has a foot fetish. I was obviously disgusted by this. When I confronted him he lied about it, saying it was a joke to send the pics to his buddies. The next day he admitted he was taking them for his own personal pleasure. 
I feel like he violated our vows. On top of that, he lied to me. And lied about lying. I feel sick. What do I do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What do you want to do? 

His behavior is creepy/stalkerish.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i may get beat up here but wow, he takes pictures of feet (yeah creepy) and you make it out like he lit a puppy on fire kicked it while in an orgy with 15 other women.

in my opinion you are so over reacting it is scary. if i found my wife had a bunch leg and feet pictures she took on her computer i would ask her why and if she had that fetish im not going to demonize her for it.


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## HunnaGirl (Dec 24, 2014)

I feel like he did something creepy and gross, and on top of it all, lied to me. Trust is very important to me. I think I am just as upset that he lied.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

terrence4159 said:


> i may get beat up here but wow, he takes pictures of feet (yeah creepy) and you make it out like he lit a puppy on fire kicked it while in an orgy with 15 other women.
> 
> in my opinion you are so over reacting it is scary. if i found my wife had a bunch leg and feet pictures she took on her computer i would ask her why and if she had that fetish im not going to demonize her for it.


The thing with fetishes is that taking photos of feet if that is your fetish is the equivalent of having photos of a nude butt. It's arousing. It's HIS porn, and he's involving unsuspecting women from public spaces in that. 

It's gross, creepy, and disrespectful to every single woman involved. 

OP, you know he had a foot fetish. Do you engage with him in this fetish? Or are your feet off limits?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The fact that he is clandestinely taking pictures of other woman's feet shows that there is a problem. Sure, he can get away with it because he isn't aiming the camera at the more commonly fantasized bits, he still is still is getting a sexual charge at the unwittingly expense of others. That is very stalker-like.

In this modern day, there is a general acceptance that people watch porn or ogle strangers...but to sneak real-life pics and "use" them later shows a breakdown in self-control. My opinion is that, on a basic level, we ought to work on their self-control so as to direct our sexual attention only toward our spouse...or if it's porn...at least there is some degree of consensus that it is acknowledged and accepted in the marriage. His behavior however is not consensual neither with the subjects nor with you. This is betrayal.

I think before you proceed, it will defined by what you want to do. If this was a dealbreaker, then I don't think any behavior modification should be prescribed...just move on and cut him loose. If you want to understand BEFORE you make a decision, then I suggest counseling and even a trial separation with the intent of withholding a decision until you had time to process everything and to ascertain his intent for reconciliation. 

If you already know you want to work it out...I still suggest counseling and a trial separation. Why? Because if you confront and then take him at his word that he will stop (which is unlikely 'cos he was caught and covered it with a lie before he fessed), then his reality-check consequences won't resonate strongly enough to counter the addiction cycle's need to obtain another sexual fix. He needs help which forgiveness (although required of reconciliation) does not address.


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## HunnaGirl (Dec 24, 2014)

I feel like he violated our marriage. The fact that he lied makes it doubly worse. We have two children. That makes it very tricky. I can't believe a word he says anymore. And I have never left my feet off limits, yet he hasn't touched them in years. And they are cute, I might add. I keep up with my pedicures and I am barefoot always in the house. So it's nothing I did. I know he watches porn. I was fine with that. Not with this.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He definitely crossed the line. Is it enough to end the marriage...only you can say for sure.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

HunnaGirl said:


> I feel like he violated our marriage. The fact that he lied makes it doubly worse. We have two children. That makes it very tricky. I can't believe a word he says anymore. And I have never left my feet off limits, yet he hasn't touched them in years. And they are cute, I might add. I keep up with my pedicures and I am barefoot always in the house. So it's nothing I did. I know he watches porn. I was fine with that. Not with this.


You are justified in feeling this way and what happened is valid, very real...in spite of how H would like to minimize how destructive his behavior is. I think it is important to create some space so you can process all of this...so you can sort through how this made you all feel and get in touch with what you would like to do. Right now you are reeling, feeling floored and unsafe right now...a whole lot of mixed emotions and fear. Don't make any decisions right now and don't let him pressure you into a decision either. Just accept the truth of everything and then gather yourself when it is time so you can have the strength to carry out what you would like to do about this.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The pictures are an invasion of other women's privacy so that alone is troubling but by him lying he only compounded the problem and made it exponentially worse. He needs to be made to understand that, although the activity seems harmless enough to him, to you it is seriously disturbing. You need to make him fully understand how this not only affects you but how this is an invasion of other peoples lives. There are shoe ads aplenty if he really wants to see different feet and legs and those are models paid to display their parts. The privacy issue does not apply. 

Perhaps he would benefit from some IC to help him realize the gravity of his behavior and the two of you may benefit from some MC to help you regain your trust in him. Sadly, though, without his full participation therapy will be a waste of time. People have to want to get better and in order to do that they must first see their actions as a problem.

I know how serious losing trust can be in a marriage but it is an individual thing so only you can determine the severity of this incident and your path forward. Good luck to you.


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## Mj6gte (Sep 6, 2014)

You can: be supportive, accepting and he will love you and adore you. You can also be judgmental and cold. Act like an angry mother and start the clock ticking for divorce. Love and support your man.......or act like his mother. Divorce sucks.....just sayin.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mj6gte said:


> You can: be supportive, accepting and he will love you and adore you. You can also be judgmental and cold. Act like an angry mother and start the clock ticking for divorce. Love and support your man.......or act like his mother. Divorce sucks.....just sayin.


:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HunnaGirl said:


> I feel like he violated our marriage. The fact that he lied makes it doubly worse. We have two children. That makes it very tricky. I can't believe a word he says anymore. And I have never left my feet off limits, yet he hasn't touched them in years. And they are cute, I might add. I keep up with my pedicures and I am barefoot always in the house. So it's nothing I did. I know he watches porn. I was fine with that. Not with this.


I'm sorry, but I think you're blowing this way out of proportion.

He's not cheating on you (assuming), he's keeping his addiction relatively under control, he's not hurting anyone else, and when confronted, he did what we ALL do - panic, back up, try to make ourselves not look bad. And yes, lie. I dare you to find 10 people who, when their addiction/dysfunction (of which they are surely ashamed) is suddenly brought to light, won't try to cover it up.

Why won't he touch your feet? Who knows? But are you sure it's not because you have made him feel ashamed?


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## gman95901 (May 19, 2011)

HunnaGirl said:


> I was going through pictures on our back up drive - there are literally thousands, trying to create a photo book of my kids. I found several pictures of random women. My hubby took these on the train or out in public. He zoomed in on feet/legs, as he has a foot fetish. I was obviously disgusted by this. When I confronted him he lied about it, saying it was a joke to send the pics to his buddies. The next day he admitted he was taking them for his own personal pleasure.
> I feel like he violated our vows. On top of that, he lied to me. And lied about lying. I feel sick. What do I do?


What your husband did, is take what are called 'candid' foot pictures which is a term used to describe taking photos of random women's feet in public. It is not a smart thing to do nowadays given the laws regarding taking 'candid' photos such as feet, legs and worse yet, up the skirt. It isn't something he should be doing in the context of your relationship either, but obviously there are some issues here that I am getting from reading between the lines through your posts.

First of all, I think it matters to some degree if he has ever admitted that he has some type of a foot partialism or fetish within the context of your relationship. And if so, what was your response? I may be reading between the lines, but it sounds as if there are some aspects of his fascination that you are struggling with.

On the same token, you state that your feet are never off limits,that you find them appealing and they are always pedicured, so I sense a larger degree of acceptance and effort on your part. But yet he hasn't touched them in years? Obviously there is a disconnect here. Normally foot partialisms are quite harmless and can be shared by couples in a fulfilling manner since they are a life long fascination, but it is clear that your husband is either not interested or has started to find a way to replace the necessity of yours with something or someone else. At any rate, I believe it is time for a heart to heart discussion to see what and why he has resorted to such dangerous tactics to fulfill his desires. It makes me wonder what else he may be hiding to satisfy his needs...


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I think its creepy that he does this and then make matters worse with a lie. Really have to wonder what else he would be willing to do or lie about. 

Really need to sit down and have a talk about this. Tell him how all this makes you feel.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Hunnagirl, you say husband has a foot fetish? Don't give him anymore feet. Withhold the feet. Tell him that he is a sick lying baaastard. Throw Foot powder in his face, then kick him in the balls.


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