# My story



## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Hello all, I found this site about 5 months ago when I was looking for ways to improve my relationship with my common law wife. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids aged 12 and 15 we are both 38. 

Things had been not going well for us for the last year. (Mainly in the bedroom) but no so bad that I thought she would think of leaving. We both work and have a great home we are not rich but not poor either. After reading some of the posts on here it became clear to me that we were headed for trouble. In December she told me she didn't love me anymore and was thinking about separating. And I went into survival mode doing anything I could to make things better and she stayed but said still was unsure about us.

Early January I discovered that she was chatting online with some guy from facebook (she is addicted to social media) I called her out and she said it was nothing just chit chat with a guy who added her by accident (said he thought she was some one else) she unfriended him and said that it was over. At the end of January we were all planning on going away for my daughter's hockey tournament out of town. 

The morning before we were to leave her and I woke early and went for a run it was nice. Then she jumped in the shower and I started to pack, she left her phone out which is odd for her so curiosity got the best of me. She thought I didn't know her password but I had been watching her closely after reading some horror stories on here. but like most thought my wife would never be dishonest. And sure enough she was still chatting with dude and the convos were sexuality charged and discussed future relationships. So I went in the bathroom and shared my discovery. She looked like a ghost and then chased after me to get her phone back, I left the house with her phone and started reading their and documenting their discussion (everything but the late night convo from the night before had been deleted) all of sudden things were starting to dissappear as she was at home logged in covering her tracks. I called my daughter who was waiting to go to hockey to see if mom had her phone and she was crying her eyes out. 

She had heard the whole fight been us and was well aware of the situation. So right away I came home to her rescue, I returned my wifes phone and took daughter to her hockey tournament. When we got back my wife said she was sorry and wanted to try to work on us agreed to no contact and blocked all communication with ap. I also asked that she give me her passwords but she instead deactivated all her accounts. Things seemed to be on track we agreed see a mc and work on us. 2 weeks go by and I have big plans for v day special gifts and a romantic night. The evening before v day curiosity got the best of me again and I checked our home computer to see what she was deleting when I found her phone. Turns out she was hiding much more than I thought there was another man who lived in the us that she had been sending money to and buying gifts.

I also discovered she had a secret credit card and had a laywer on retainer. I really didnt want to spoil all my v day plans so i didn't say anything. She worked on v day but the plan was to surprise her with the gifts in the morning and go out the next night. She said she wanted to give me a gift in the bedroom that night. When we got up there she was weird and distant and could bite my tongue no longer so I started to ask questions to see if she would come clean. She lied an denied right up untill I told her how i knew. And then proceeded to rugsweep and down play the situation and shut me up by saying sorry and giving me a bj. 2 weeks later I come home and she is gone packed all her stuff and took the home computer... that was 2 months ago not sure why I am sharing this, maybe because I am in so much pain.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry you are here. It sucks. Retain your lawyer now and move forward with D. Your W has checked out. You still have the children?


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

When she left she left the kids and dog. After 3 weeks she got an apartment and I agreed to 50/50 with my son and dog... my daughter has not spoken to her in 3 months


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mr loyal said:


> my common law wife. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids


The "common law" actually is not so common, between different states of the US. Some have no "common law marriage", others consider a 20-year relationship quite married legally.

Get an attorney, and get support money from her for your children, if not spousal support. Protect yourself financially.

Move any money in joint accounts into your name only. You can "give it back" when you are ordered to do it.

Be Mr. Loyal only to yourself and your children. Your wife is an adversary who does not have your interest, nor those of her own children, at heart. She's "doing her own thing".


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Thanks, in Canada common law is he same as married as far the child custody /support goes and is different in the way you split assets. Our money has always been separate outside of a shared credit card that she already maxed. I paid all the bills (cars, morgage, insurance, etc) her end was to buy food and house hold items.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Sounds like a win! Make sure your lawyer knows she abandoned you and the kids.
Make sure she gets all her debt.
Be the best dad you can be. Check on counseling for the kids, especially the youngest.
Best of luck going forward.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

It may sound like a win but it certainly doesn't feel like it... I loved this women my whole life. As far my kid go I have always been very involved with there lives. Coached the sports teams, the main contact with teachers and school stuff, made all their meals and always tucked them in to bed I would call them every morning to make sure they were ready for school while my ww slept in. My ww on the other hand was not very involved more focused on her self and her phone. I may not have been a perfect husband but never abusive or mean. I always made time for my wife and always treated her like my queen. Just hurt...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sorry for your pain. Sounds like she has been fishing in a different pond--one more exciting right now (limerence). Beware of her wanting to return in a few months, no matter how much you want her. Her lack of honesty, integrity, and a moral compass is bad example for your kids. She has declared her perspective and will do it again.

In Canada do you still have to be separated for a year except for infidelity? Use the infidelity exemption. You sound like a great Dad. Do not second guess your 'husband-ship'. She could have chosen to work on the marriage and not cheat, but she did not. She sounds self-involved, but you do not know what true devotion feels like considering her demeanor.

Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself for you and for your kids. Eat and sleep appropriately. Exercise, pay attention to wardrobe. Lose the bitterness that will creep in. Find support--family, church, good friends. Time is your friend.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Thank you, you have no idea how much comfort your comment has given me. With common law there is no need to wait, actually if we had no assets or kids we could just walk away from each other. Or if we could agree on settlement terms we don't even need lawyers. Just pay her out and take her name off the morgage.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

But she wants her lawyer to go over my finances as I make more then she does by about 25k a year and we have 15yrs worth of equity in our home.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It is not uncommon for those who have been together since 18 to wonder what/who else is out there. Did y'all ever date others? Never overlook bedroom issues--bigger problems when you do.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

We both had relationships in our teens but nothing too serious. She was my first love, we had a very healthy sex life early on although my ww always had issues getting orgasms. She had never had one through penetration before me. Things got bad in the bedroom after my youngest was born 12 years ago. She lost her interest in having sex and would really only do out of pity. I accepted that and gave up on sex maybe having it once month and less and less over time. Then maybe 3 years ago she got a second wind and her sex drive went way up. But by then mine had gone way down after years of just getting it over as fast as possible. And performance anxiety became an issue from years of not being wanted. I went to the doctor and got a fix for that. But it was too late she no longer was interested in intercourse just oral and hand stuff as I could easily get her off. She with held sex for the last 6 months of our relationship about the same time she was involved with these internet men.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Free yourself. Let her go completely.

You must take her down off that pedestal you’ve put her on. She doesn’t deserve it. Start living life for yourself. It’s apparent from your posts you’ve been living it for her. Look what that got you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Agreed, it's done do not take her back, do what you must in your country. No more overreach for more then settle for a little less. Do the 180, and grey rock her. You just received the ILYBNILWY and she's checked out, take care of yourself and your kids because your daughter is on your side is a huge thing. She will never forget and your the are deal.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Thank you your comments, 

This is all so tough, not much can be done right now because of the lock down in Canada. 

I have been lurking here for a while now and have read many stories just like mine. I have read some of the recommended reading and have discovered a lot about myself. There are many wise people here and I am grateful for that.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Mr loyal said:


> Thank you your comments,
> 
> This is all so tough, not much can be done right now because of the lock down in Canada.
> 
> I have been lurking here for a while now and have read many stories just like mine. I have read some of the recommended reading and have discovered a lot about myself. There are many wise people here and I am grateful for that.


Then you know what must be done. Sorry, prepare for your challenge.

This will never stop you already gave her this option, she lied cheated, and is still doing it. Her taking all the evidence is her real response. You can call the bank and take some of your money so she doesn't drain it.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

She has no access to my money we have always kept separate accounts (that why I never knew she was transferring cash to some 50 year old man) I have always paved the way for our family even paid for her education. I stayed in a job I didn't love because it would always provide for us. I turned down many opportunities to move up in my career to be available to my family. This really hurts...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Of course it hurts--big time. But do not regret what you have done--your sacrifices. Had you not lived this way, you would have always wondered what you should/could have done differently. 'Tis so sad that she showed no appreciation for who you are and what you stand for!

Just more evidence for who she really is...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr loyal said:


> She has no access to my money we have always kept separate accounts (that why I never knew she was transferring cash to some 50 year old man) I have always paved the way for our family even paid for her education. I stayed in a job I didn't love because it would always provide for us. I turned down many opportunities to move up in my career to be available to my family. This really hurts...


I don't know how the law applies in your situation, but you might want to check with an attorney about the money she has gifted other men and/or spent on them. If it's a significant amount, you might be able to get that amount credit against other assets. One of my sisters was able to do that when she divorced. She was able to get records for a lot of money her husband spent on his affair. She ended up with a much larger share of the home equity because of that.

You said that she wants your assets looked at during the 'divorce'. If she insists on this then make sure her assets are looked at too with the same rigor.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

She has a lawyer, do you? You need to understand your rights and legal responsibilities. Of course, you have given us some facts that indicate you have received advice. I hope so...


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Of course it hurts--big time. But do not regret what you have done--your sacrifices. Had you not lived this way, you would have always wondered what you should/could have done differently. 'Tis so sad that she showed no appreciation for who you are and what you stand for!
> 
> Just more evidence for who she really is...


I have no regrets for the way I spoiled my ww during our relationship. I have always found great pleasure and pride to be that guy. Although I have realized that I have abandonment issues that cause me to over compensate and have been dependent on others for my happiness. 

Urg.... morning are the worst for me


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr loyal said:


> I have no regrets for the way I spoiled my ww during our relationship. I have always found great pleasure and pride to be that guy. Although I have realized that I have abandonment issues that cause me to over compensate and have been dependent on others for my happiness.


Same here... I can relate to that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Continue with this great attitude.

Look on the bright side....
Yes, there is one.

You get another chance at life and love.
You are young, at 38. Yes.

You will again get to share your worth with another woman. 
*What a gift this is, will be.*

You will find another woman to love and to make love to.
You will find a woman who enjoys your presence, your kisses, your roaming hands and your sexual efforts.

Take your time. 

You are presently hurt and have been betrayed.
No small matter, this.

My only suggestion is this.....

If you find a decent lady to spend the rest of your life with, marry her.
Exclusively date her for a couple of years and then lock her down, tight.

Give her no less love than you gave your present common-law wife.
Leave any baggage from this relationship in the rear view mirror.

Seal the deal with a ring and endless kisses.

You are the lucky man.


_The Typist-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, and have your PM open the U.S./Canadian border. I have relatives up there.

And, there are a lot of fish that are waiting for me to pluck them out of the water, to then kiss them thanks and release them.

THRD-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr loyal said:


> I have no regrets for the way I spoiled my ww during our relationship. *I have always found great pleasure and pride to be that guy.* Although I have realized that I have abandonment issues that cause me to over compensate and have been dependent on others for my happiness.
> 
> Ugh.... mornings are the worst for me


Be yourself, love yourself, not that you can be someone else!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> I have no regrets for the way I spoiled my ww during our relationship. I have always found great pleasure and pride to be that guy. Although I have realized that I have abandonment issues that cause me to over compensate and have been dependent on others for my happiness.
> 
> Urg.... morning are the worst for me


Yes you need to rethink this A LOT. You spoiled her, gave her the world and look were that got you. 

You need to read "no more Mr. nice guy." You are a classic case. 

And you need to file for divorce ASAP...


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Yes you need to rethink this A LOT. You spoiled her, gave her the world and look were that got you.
> 
> You need to read "no more Mr. nice guy." You are a classic case.
> 
> And you need to file for divorce ASAP...


Yes I read this and I felt it was written just for me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Yes you need to rethink this A LOT. You spoiled her, gave her the world and look were that got you.
> 
> You need to read "no more Mr. nice guy." You are a classic case.
> 
> And you need to file for divorce ASAP...


Here is where some of us differ. 

I think men can be 'nice guys' in a marriage,
It is a wonderful thing. 

We recommend this.

However, it is a two-way street.

The lady needs to also treat her man that way, and not to run ragged over him, and she not taking advantage of his good nature.

And yes, once a wife or a SO, abuses this good treatment, then his doting needs to cease.
Pronto, Tonto.

A good and loving wife deserves everything a man can deliver. And, vice-versa.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Here is where some of us differ.
> 
> I think men can be 'nice guys' in a marriage,
> It is a wonderful thing.
> ...


You miss understand what "Nice Guy" means. The negative view of the word is being a doormat, like OP here has been. 

Woman do not respect that, never have never will, and any woman that says they do, I think are lying. 

My Fiancé is a wonderful woman... super wonderful. And frankly I treat her like a queen. 

But the difference is this: If sex were to fall off, we would have a problem. It has not, so we don't. If she start to take my love and care for granted it stops, I tell her what the issue is, and she fixes that, and then we are all good. 

When she is a smart ass to me, and it is across the line, I shut that down on the spot. And while these things don't happen very often, some of them never have happened, some of them have. 

But when something out of line happens, I clearly let her know 1) I love you 2) What you are doing is out of line and I will not tolerate it for a second, and 3) If you are unhappy you may leave at any time, I will help you pack. 

So, I can be nice, I love to treat her well and make her happy, but all of that is a two way street. And it has to stay that way, or she is gone...


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I think its fine to want to be a nice guy and do it for that reason. The problem is when you need to be a nice guy to cope with underlying personal issues.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> I think its fine to want to be a nice guy and do it for that reason. The problem is when you need to be a nice guy to cope with underlying personal issues.


I am sorry to be so sticky on this issue, but it is a real problem for a lot of people. 

You for example, you think being a nice guy is a good thing. It is not. And you are a nice guy in the worse sense of the word. Over all I think "Nice Guy" should be a negative word and it should be in the dictionary. 

Now, you can be nice. You can be kind. You can be sweet... I am actually all of those things...

What I am not is a codependent, "Nice Guy" for any reason or for any person. It does not work. 

Nice guys finish last, there is a reason there is a saying like that, because it is true. 

Look at you, you were a nice guy, and it does not matter what the reasons for it were. You were a nice guy, you wife screwed you over and are left standing there with your **** in your hand... 

So, no it is not fine to be a nice guy... not in this context.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I agree I was/am codependent and see that a lot of my actions were driven by fear and fueled with expectation.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> I agree I was/am codependent and see that a lot of my actions were driven by fear and fueled with expectation.


Listen, If you want to get through this and become a better person, the quit doing the above... 

Where you wrote "I was/am", you know better than that, and everyone with a brain can see it in what you right. So you need to start being honest with us and YOURSELF... 

You are codependent, You are "Nice Guy" in the negative sense of the word. So, be honest with yourself about is. For whatever reason you have been this way most of your life. 

But unless you are honest with yourself, you will not get better. You will not grow. 

Don't be that guy, be honest with yourself. Read "codependent no more" by what's her/name. Re read "no more my Nice guy". You may want to read that once a month. Read, "Hold on to your nuts" and anything else that might help. 

Take this time to grow as a MAN, as a person. Then maybe next time, you will pick someone better...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr loyal said:


> I think its fine to want to be a nice guy and do it for that reason. The problem is when you need to be a nice guy to cope with underlying personal issues.


The key to change, I think, is when you realize that being a "nice guy" actually isn't being nice at all.

Because being a "nice guy" comes loaded with all kinds of passive-aggressive behaviour, secret manipulations, and covert contracts.

Being nice is good. People should be nice. People who are nice in marriages are good. 

But people that are nice expecting to be rewarded with what they want are the opposite of that. If you want to be kind with no thought of reward, then do so. But don't make a habit of thinking you can nice someone into doing what you want, or nice your way out of conflict - especially conflict that needs to happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Want to know how women view weak men? With contempt that those men are so easy to manipulate because they are so desperate to hold onto their “prize”.

Make sure no woman will ever have the opportunity to view you that way in the future.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I definitely get that, I haven't always been this way. roles develop over the course of a relationship. Some how I lost my identity a began to rely on others for my happiness. On a positive note I shook my morning blues with good run in the woods (something I haven't done in a while since that was somthing I used do with my ex) and a outdoor work out. Took the dog out for a bit and am about to cut the grass. Thanks everyone! One day at a time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Reading and understanding No More Mr Nice Guy is great but it won’t help you unless you apply it.

It Sounds like you’re figuring it out. Keep moving forward.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I can tell you one thing... although in the end my story it looks like I was being weak(I had already learned a lot from one guys) but in all honesty I was being selffish. As I had already let go, and knew things likely couldn't be saved. I was doing lots for myself and it was really attracting my ex. I took advantage of those last dates and moments of passion and knowing they would be my last with a woman I truly loved.(and enjoyed doing so) I did hope he fog would pass but didn't bank on it.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr loyal said:


> Hello all, I found this site about 5 months ago when I was looking for ways to improve my relationship with my common law wife. We have been together for 20 years and have 2 kids aged 12 and 15 we are both 38. Things had been not going well for us for the last year. (Mainly in the bedroom) but no so bad that I thought she would think of leaving. We both work and have a great home we are not rich but not poor either. After reading some of the posts on here it became clear to me that we were headed for trouble. In December she told me she didn't love me anymore and was thinking about separating. And I went into survival mode doing anything I could to make things better and she stayed but said still was unsure about us. Early January I discovered that she was chatting online with some guy from facebook (she is addicted to social media) I called her out and she said it was nothing just chit chat with a guy who added her by accident (said he thought she was some one else) she unfriended him and said that it was over. At the end of January we were all planning on going away for my daughter's hockey tournament out of town. The morning before we were to leave her and I woke early and went for a run it was nice. Then she jumped in the shower and I started to pack, she left her phone out which is odd for her so curiosity got the best of me. She thought I didn't know her password but I had been watching her closely after reading some horror stories on here. but like most thought my wife would never be dishonest. And sure enough she was still chatting with dude and the convos were sexuality charged and discussed future relationships. So I went in the bathroom and shared my discovery. She looked like a ghost and then chased after me to get her phone back, I left the house with her phone and started reading their and documenting their discussion (everything but the late night convo from the night before had been deleted) all of sudden things were starting to dissappear as she was at home logged in covering her tracks. I called my daughter who was waiting to go to hockey to see if mom had her phone and she was crying her eyes out. She had heard the whole fight been us and was well aware of the situation. So right away I came home to her rescue, I returned my wifes phone and took daughter to her hockey tournament. When we got back my wife said she was sorry and wanted to try to work on us agreed to no contact and blocked all communication with ap. I also asked that she give me her passwords but she instead deactivated all her accounts. Things seemed to be on track we agreed see a mc and work on us. 2 weeks go by and I have big plans for v day special gifts and a romantic night. The evening before v day curiosity got the best of me again and I checked our home computer to see what she was deleting when I found her phone. Turns out she was hiding much more than I thought there was another man who lived in the us that she had been sending money to and buying gifts. I also discovered she had a secret credit card and had a laywer on retainer. I really didnt want to spoil all my v day plans so i didn't say anything. She worked on v day but the plan was to surprise her with the gifts in the morning and go out the next night. She said she wanted to give me a gift in the bedroom that night. When we got up there she was weird and distant and could bite my tongue no longer so I started to ask questions to see if she would come clean. She lied an denied right up untill I told her how i knew. And then proceeded to rugsweep and down play the situation and shut me up by saying sorry and giving me a bj. 2 weeks later I come home and she is gone packed all her stuff and took the home computer... that was 2 months ago not sure why I am sharing this, maybe because I am in so much pain.


Sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through. Loss is hard and your dream of hoping that things would different has failed you. I know you might not be seeing the silver lining in the cloud right now, but things will get better. Your wife’s decision to leave was hers and not yours. You gave her the chance to reconcile, but her temptations are stronger than she is. I pray for you, your healing and the healing of your kids during this difficult time.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> Sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through. Loss is hard and your dream of hoping that things would different has failed you. I know you might not be seeing the silver lining in the cloud right now, but things will get better. Your wife’s decision to leave was hers and not yours. You gave her the chance to reconcile, but her temptations are stronger than she is. I pray for you, your healing and the healing of your kids during this difficult time.
> [/QUOTE





Bobbyjo said:


> Sorry to hear about all of the pain you are going through. Loss is hard and your dream of hoping that things would different has failed you. I know you might not be seeing the silver lining in the cloud right now, but things will get better. Your wife’s decision to leave was hers and not yours. You gave her the chance to reconcile, but her temptations are stronger than she is. I pray for you, your healing and the healing of your kids during this difficult time.


Thank you for your kind words, the moment I started to put myself first I felt more alive then I had in years. I will never sleep through another day.
And hello to a fellow canuck!!


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Hello to you too fellow Canuck😊. And good for you...there is so much to live for like your kids. You will leave them with a beautiful legacy. Keep it up!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Mr loyal, what is the status of your relationship now? How often does she see the kids? Did you get a mean lawyer? What kind of mom leaves her kids to go after another man?


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

We communicate well now, when she started coming back around after being gone for three weeks she was very friendly even tried to hug me. I was just being civil for the sake for the kids.

She would make eyes at me and flash her devilish grin and it wasn't easy to stay distant. We always got along really well and enjoyed each others company. She even once said she would interested in a fwb situation. 

After a while I was done pretending to be friends and asked her not to come in the house when picking up my son and dog. She still hasn't talked to her daughter even when her birthday came last month. 

I have made her a settlement offer and she is discussing it with her lawyer... but draging her feet saying he is not working during lock down. Oh and she sees my son 50/50 2-2-3


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like the boyfriend dumped her. Or hadn't met expectations.
Plan B anyone


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Possibly, but I'm not wasting any energy thinking about what she is up to.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr loyal said:


> Possibly, but I'm not wasting any energy thinking about what she is up to.


Good answer!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr loyal said:


> She would make eyes at me and flash her devilish grin and it wasn't easy to stay distant. We always got along really well and enjoyed each others company. She even once said she would interested in a fwb situation.


Wow, what an odd thing to say after what she did. 

I hope you laughed at her or something. I think this would be dangerous on many levels - physically, emotionally, financially (knowing how separation agreements work in Canada), and down the line when the inevitable conflict over custody and children happens.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Yeah a little laugh, I told her she was losing her mind. Not easy to do because she is really easy on the eyes and knows how to push my buttons.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> Yeah a little laugh, I told her she was losing her mind. Not easy to do because she is really easy on the eyes and knows how to push my buttons.


Honestly man, you need to look up that crazy to hot graph on YouTube. 

While my Fiancé is beautiful, and wonderful, that is usually not the case. She is an anomaly. Usually the most beautiful women are the craziest. 

Strange but true...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Honestly man, you need to look up that crazy to hot graph on YouTube.
> 
> While my Fiancé is beautiful, and wonderful, that is usually not the case. She is an anomaly. Usually the most beautiful women are the craziest.
> 
> Strange but true...


Life over-rewards the beautiful. It often turns them into entitled royalty. 
And, the rest of the have-nots into their lessors, they, just, common peasants.

The beautiful often do not feel the same pressures that regular folks experience.
Because, someone is always available to pick them up when they fail.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Honestly man, you need to look up that crazy to hot graph on YouTube.
> 
> While my Fiancé is beautiful, and wonderful, that is usually not the case. She is an anomaly. Usually the most beautiful women are the craziest.
> 
> Strange but true...


Lol yes! I have see that chart before... long before we had problems I would always joke with people the I married too hot. And jokingly suggest against it. Not that I am a slouch but more of a bad boy (back then)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She knows how to manipulate you. She’s counting on it working to get whatever she wants. Be prepared.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Addicted to social media (wonder why?), sending gifts, money, flirting, problems with sex at home, secret credit card, lawyer on retainer. Sounds like she has been planning to leave for some time. BUT you were unaware!!! Is she that good an actress??

She puts herself before kids, husband, dog, friends, family, etc. She is still good-looking and flirty (but reaching middle age) and knows you are a sucker for her--looks, flirty style. An offer to be FWB instead of common-law-wife is insulting. She liked you better as a bad boy than a 'husband.' Any special reason y'all decided on a common-law relationship?

You offer your kids stability and love. Your marketability is likely higher than hers. She does not love you. You love her, but are hopefully waking up to her using you. Love takes work that she no longer is willing to do. I, personally, have a problem when there is lack trust and integrity. I have a tendency to look deeper into a person and question myself if I am veering from the norm. 

What kind of advice would you give a brother, son? What would you say are your major disadvantages? Change is hard. With whom (friends, co-workers) is she discussing her new life? Sounds almost like a double life and who knows for how long? You must be in a lot of pain to overlook so much.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Addicted to social media (wonder why?), sending gifts, money, flirting, problems with sex at home, secret credit card, lawyer on retainer. Sounds like she has been planning to leave for some time. BUT you were unaware!!! Is she that good an actress??
> 
> She puts herself before kids, husband, dog, friends, family, etc. She is still good-looking and flirty (but reaching middle age) and knows you are a sucker for her--looks, flirty style. An offer to be FWB instead of common-law-wife is insulting. She liked you better as a bad boy than a 'husband.' Any special reason y'all decided on a common-law relationship?
> 
> ...


Yeah it's alot to take in, I never thought she could be so deseptive. It all came in as a trickle little by little.

We often discussed commitment, and both had no desire to get married we both believed it was just a piece of paper. Our saying was happily unmarried...

If I had to advice as peer, co worker or relative I would tell them to let go and find happiness as thats all we really can hope for. 

I know she talks with co workers (her female boss recently divorces she works with all females) and she has alot of younger co workers. Her mother has played a large role in all of this she gave her the money for the lawyer.

Her parents split around the same age as we are in very similar fashion. Her parents cheated on each other and it was a mess she still doesn't talk to her dad. And her mom did the same things as her... met a guy online and fell for him, heck my ex even moved in to the same building her mom did when she split.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

FOO issues run deep. That’s something you can’t fix. Let her go.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Mothers day,
I was faced with a lot of mixed emotions yesterday living in a home that lost its mother. I mean this women gave me the gift of children and worked with me to raise 2 great kids.

So I decided to offer to modify our schedule so she could see my son as it was my weekend, I also bought flowers for my son to give to her...am I crazy idk but it seemed like the right thing to do.

Yesterday was a tough day for my daughter, my ex has made very little effort to re connect with her. It hurts to see her so upset, so I tried to keep her mind off it. I made us a nice steak dinner and we worked on a art project.

Just a little update...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> Mothers day,
> I was faced with a lot of mixed emotions yesterday living in a home that lost its mother. I mean this women gave me the gift of children and worked with me to raise 2 great kids.
> 
> So I decided to offer to modify our schedule so she could see my son as it was my weekend, I also bought flowers for my son to give to her...am I crazy idk but it seemed like the right thing to do.
> ...


Sorry brother, you are crazy... 

Have you read no more mr nice guy? If not please do. If you have read it again. 

I am really sorry you are hurting. Could therapy help?

She is really not worth this pain that you are going through. I know you cannot see that, but honestly she is not man...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix her. All you can do is cover your end and your time.
Cut out any/all unneeded contact let Her go and free yourself.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

I have cut all non essential contact, my son doesn't know the details of our separation and wouldn't understand why I wouldn't get his mom a gift for him to give her. He deserves to see his mom on mothers day, every day I set an example of what it takes to be an adult in this crazy world... although I don't believe she deserves $#*% for being a mom he does love her and that's important to me. Not nice just human.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Mr loyal said:


> I have cut all non essential contact, my son doesn't know the details of our separation and wouldn't understand why I wouldn't get his mom a gift for him to give her. He deserves to see his mom on mothers day, every day I set an example of what it takes to be an adult in this crazy world... although I don't believe she deserves $#*% for being a mom he does love her and that's important to me. Not nice just human.


Given the poo panini you've been served, it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected.
Just focus on being the best dad you can be. It will pay back in dividends down the line.
Kids are smart. They will figure out what their Mom has done in due time.
Karma bites hard. She'll get hers in the end.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Well my daughter knows some of the stuff that has happened but not everthing I discovered as time went on. As much as I love to see my ex suffer I know my daughter needs a mom in her life. She is 15 and we are as close as a father and daughter could be, but I can't be a mom.

Last week my daughter was having a rough evening so we had a long chat and she told me she misses having some one to talk to about boys and girl stuff. She made me promise to never give up on love and to try to find someone who could fill that void... this breaks my heart she is my angel and she is so lost.

Funny enough she keeps trying to set me up with her friends single parents, lately I feel like a piece of meat with all the prospects coming around all of a sudden.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, great mother’s do not destroy their families. You can’t make her be the mother she should be. Some never get it.

My sister was a wayward. Her mentality years later is still the same. Screwed up the family, her kids, etc. But she deserved her happiness. Guess what, she’s till looking for that new shiny thing.

The only one that will keep you in this mess is you. Take care of yourself first (if not you won’t be 100% there for your kids).

It takes awhile for you to fully wake up. No one is prepared for this but you do have to figure it out.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Thanks @Marc878 
It is easy to get caught up in sentiment, waking up is not easy hitting snooze is... everyday I gain strength and set goals for myself, heck I can be anything I want to now. 

I ran in to my ex in public for the first time last week, oh man she looked terrible like she just got out of bed. No make up, dressed like crap. She had the dog with her and he came to me immediately. I looked her up and down and laughed then without emotion said see ya!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mr loyal said:


> Well my daughter knows some of the stuff that has happened but not everthing I discovered as time went on. As much as I love to see my ex suffer I know my daughter needs a mom in her life. She is 15 and we are as close as a father and daughter could be, but I can't be a mom.
> 
> Last week my daughter was having a rough evening so we had a long chat and she told me she misses having some one to talk to about boys and girl stuff. She made me promise to never give up on love and to try to find someone who could fill that void... this breaks my heart she is my angel and she is so lost.
> 
> Funny enough she keeps trying to set me up with her friends single parents, lately I feel like a piece of meat with all the prospects coming around all of a sudden.


You know, your Daughter can talk to YOU about boy/girl stuff. Yeah, maybe less embarrassing to talk with Mom, but YOU are also her parent. Try to establish that level of commuication with her that it's ok to talk with you also. Will be important going forward...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’ll find like most once you cut off contact clarity comes real quick. Things that you overlooked or ignored will become glaringly obvious. She was never who you thought she was.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> You know, your Daughter can talk to YOU about boy/girl stuff. Yeah, maybe less embarrassing to talk with Mom, but YOU are also her parent. Try to establish that level of commuication with her that it's ok to talk with you also. Will be important going forward...


We do talk boys a little, raising my girl at the hockey rink there's always been boys hanging around. I have played the role of "stay away from boys" and her mom was always there for her to open up a bit about it. I took her shopping for her first dress I took her to the mall when she decided she no longer wanted to be a tom boy. I still remember her coming out of the change room so unsure about her new style... I told her how beautiful she looked and asked the sales girl for more stuff like that. So we are close but it's still not the same.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mr loyal said:


> We do talk boys a little, raising my girl at the hockey rink there's always been boys hanging around. I have played the role of "stay away from boys" and her mom was always there for her to open up a bit about it. I took her shopping for her first dress I took her to the mall when she decided she no longer wanted to be a tom boy. I still remember her coming out of the change room so unsure about her new style... I told her how beautiful she looked and asked the sales girl for more stuff like that. So we are close but it's still not the same.


My daughter and I were not as close as her and her mom. Then I started taking her shopping. Every year we plan a full day out. Shopping, lunch, etc.

You've just stumbled onto A good thing!!!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mr loyal said:


> We do talk boys a little, raising my girl at the hockey rink there's always been boys hanging around. I have played the role of "stay away from boys" and her mom was always there for her to open up a bit about it. I took her shopping for her first dress I took her to the mall when she decided she no longer wanted to be a tom boy. I still remember her coming out of the change room so unsure about her new style... I told her how beautiful she looked and asked the sales girl for more stuff like that. So we are close but it's still not the same.


So, stop playing the "I'm going to kill any boy that comes near you" card (even IF that's how you feel!). TALK to her and let HER feel comfortable bringing this stuff to you. 
You WILL need to know this stuff anyway going forward....


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, stop playing the "I'm going to kill any boy that comes near you" card (even IF that's how you feel!). TALK to her and let HER feel comfortable bringing this stuff to you.
> You WILL need to know this stuff anyway going forward....





Marc878 said:


> My daughter and I were not as close as her and her mom. Then I started taking her shopping. Every year we plan a full day out. Shopping, lunch, etc.
> 
> You've just stumbled onto A good thing!!!


Those shopping experiences I shared happened long before my ex left my daughter is now 15 and perfers shopping with her pals as most teens do. It just hurts to see her upset. I don't doubt that can "fill" that role I just think she could use a strong female role model.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My mom and dad adored each other. Both are long gone. However, I was much closer to my dad. He was a bit older than mom, but much warmer and more appreciative of me. 

Even today, he is the parent I would want to cuddle, to talk to. Mom just wasn't raised to be warm and fuzzy. Neither was he, but he did it naturally. He was my role model in how to live my life. She went to bat for spending sometimes, but when depth counted, it was dad. My mom just happened to be 'closer' to my sister.

Don't look for stereotypical behaviors. Do what you feel needs to be done. My ex and I discussed who would talk about certain things with the kids. Only later did I find out he did not do what he was supposed to do. My sons learned guy things from me and were grateful. My daughters were too, but they learned much from their friends as well--I just made sure the story was straight with them.

You sound like a very special dad. Your love and devotion are the most important thing you have to give!


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Hello again, 
Just a little update as I really need to vent... the stress of our separation is really starting to build.
My ex is now claims that I am coaching my Daughter to hate her. She is also making insane estimates of the value of our home... this becoming an ugly legal battle.

Urgh...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> Hello again,
> Just a little update as I really need to vent... the stress of our separation is really starting to build.
> My ex is now claims that I am coaching my Daughter to hate her. She is also making insane estimates of the value of our home... this becoming an ugly legal battle.
> 
> Urgh...


Just take a breath and move forward... 

You were told to expect this, and this is what it looks like. 

You are giving way way too much creedance to what your Soon to be ex wife thinks.

Just get it done and move on...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeah. Contact a realtor and find out the value. Who cares what the ex is saying? She doesn't know.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Mr loyal said:


> Hello again,
> Just a little update as I really need to vent... the stress of our separation is really starting to build.
> My ex is now claims that I am coaching my Daughter to hate her. She is also making insane estimates of the value of our home... this becoming an ugly legal battle.
> 
> Urgh...


the reality of what she has done is finally and slowly kicking in and now she is in anger mode against you as if she is where she is because of you and not her own being...stay strong and the posters are right get a house evaluation


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr loyal said:


> Hello again,
> Just a little update as I really need to vent... the stress of our separation is really starting to build.
> My ex is now claims that I am coaching my Daughter to hate her. She is also making insane estimates of the value of our home... this becoming an ugly legal battle.
> 
> Urgh...


Always expect the worst so when it happens you are not surprised. Your STBX W, what evidence does she have that conclusively shows your daughter hates her as a result of your direct involvement? Your STBX W bickering and causing undo stress is not enough?


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

She has no evidence or reason to think I am coaching my daughter, just bitter and trying to shine a bad light on me... she has made little to no effort to reconcile with my daughter. Sends her a text maybe once a week and usually very few words and nothing of substance ie love you miss you... and that's it. 
Now if it were me I would be jumping through hoops to see my child with meaningful texts, phone calls, randomly showing up places I might see her... anything that show some effort. Sad really.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr loyal said:


> She has no evidence or reason to think I am coaching my daughter, just bitter and trying to shine a bad light on me... she has made little to no effort to reconcile with my daughter. Sends her a text maybe once a week and usually very few words and nothing of substance ie love you miss you... and that's it.
> Now if it were me I would be jumping through hoops to see my child with meaningful texts, phone calls, randomly showing up places I might see her... anything that show some effort. Sad really.


Sorry to be so dogmatic, but why do you care? I get that you care about your daughter, I totally get that. 

But your wife cheated, ruined your marriage, (if I have the right thread), abandoned you and your daughter. It is her responsibility to mend or not to mend her relationship with your daughter. 

You just need to let your D know that you love her, that you support her, and are there for her. 

Your wife is a POS person and a POS mother. NONE of that is your fault...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mr loyal but it can't be your wife's fault! It can't be! She fell victim to a scammer and sent him money and gifts whilst she abandoned her daughter and you.

Why is she closer to your son than your daughter? Is he younger and thus easier to manipulate?

She might be jealous of your daughter.


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## Mr loyal (Apr 29, 2020)

Yes my son is younger, he is 12 and my daughter is 15. He does not know the truth about his mother.

Thanks guys... all I was after is a good ole fashion pile on!


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