# F my life...



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Happy Anniversary to myself today.

So I thought it would be a kind, loving idea to make my wife a photo album of all our travels, activities, experiences over the past year. It wasn't anything fancy by any means, but I did spend a few hours putting the photo album together after printing off prints at CVS. I mean, who does this anymore really? 

I left a very loving card and the photo album on the bed last night as I took a shower. She seemed appreciative at first, which made me happy. Then as I got into bed, she said, close your eyes and brought me out my present, which was a hair trimming kit (Keep this in mind for later... i'm bald mind you!) I was actually suprised, and told her that was a very nice gift. Then she bought out two shirts from Express and she climbed into bed and just laid there on her back on her side of the bed. I asked if she wanted to go through the photo album together and she said nothing. I then picked it up, and started to flip through all the memories asking if she remembered that trip, laughing at this photo at the grand canynon, talking about this Vegas trip, talking about NYC trip etc etc... she just rolled over when I finished flippipng through the book and turned the light off, never even so much as cracking a smile.

I was like ok. No problem. I spooned up to her and asked for a kiss, and got a "eh.." response. I then told her I loved her in her ear and got no response. Ok, that's normal half the time. Then I said, I like you too babe  Do you you like me? She then jumped up out of bed, and got dressed and walked out of the room.

I thought, ok. She's upset from earlier this week still from her thinking I'm cheating on her, no worries. (She ALWAYS thinks i'm cheating...)

I wrote her on FB messanger... and that's where things went south:

Short version - She said she was done with me and to go **** myself.

I'm tempted to write all the messages out for the long version... to get some input. Is this ok?

I'm really bummed out today. I asked her to breakfast this morning, and she ignored me. She threw my photo album into the hall way when I got back from dropping my girls at school. For crimes sake, she got me a trimmer set and i'm bald. I would have thought, that if she didn't like the photo album she could have just... oh never mind.

So much for a happy anniversary. Was the photo album bad taste? My daughers (11 and 13) thought it was adorable and super sweet.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It was in good taste and a thoughtful present. Do you like the movie - The Princess Bride? Just tell her "as you wish" and stop chasing after her. She is obviously checked out and any effort you put in makes you look pathetic in her eyes, so stop playing the game with her.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Of course it’s OK to write your whole story.?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

me: Are you coming back to bed soon?
her: no... go head sleep.. don't wasting your time with us.
her: thanks
me: Huh?
me: i'm not wasting time...
her: you never know what I like at all
her: so... go back to sleep
Me: Well come tell me what you like then I'll know
her: You know what your ex like...
her: but me... its not.
her: at all
her: **** it David
Her: have a wonderful night
me: I'll have a wonderful night with you in bed with me
her: please take your picture back ok..i don't want it
her: i'm done.
Me: i'm sorry you didn't like our memories
me: I'm sorry I can't afford a ring upgrade right now either, which is what you wanted
her: u still never understand... you know why? because you never love me as your ex gf or your ex wife
her: I don't give a **** about your ****ng ring at all
me: oh
her: you never try to know me
me: I do try... but you haven't talked to me in days
her: please forget about it.. it's not important at all
me: let me in, and i'll learn you better
her: just ****ing everday
her: "photo of some random person on a differnent continent on linkedIn"
her: go hang out and contact her ok
her: i'm just nobody
me: ?
her: All I have is my daughter... I never have you in my life after I don't trust you
her: I'm feeling sorry for you... if I can be the last one
her: Hope you guys are happy
me: What did you want for our anniversary?
me: I thought you would love having old photo's back..
me: We make a great looking couple
her: All your picture you gave it to me, it all I took
her: Please, i'm not happy with this
her: Take it back
her: Thanks...
her: I don't think we are a matcha at all
her: nice try
me: you used to think we were
me: I still think we are
her: After I know you contact with another girls.. i never will trust you 
her: U never know what I like
her: even ****ing flowers
me: lol I haven't contacted anyone
her: I'm done, ok
me: you don't get flowers the day before
me: Why are you so angry?
her: I feeeling hurts so much from you...
her: so just leave me alone
me: how did I hurt your feelings babe?
her: Please just leave me for good ok
her: I'm done
me: I'm not going anywhere
her: I can't deal it this anymore
her: I'm telling the truth
me: How did I hurt your feelings?
her: Go with someone you very wanted to be with.. nd forget about me...
me: You aren't answering my question
her: someone you remember everything about her
me: I want to be with you
her: and go **** yourself

her: I'm also back now
me: ?
me: back now?

her: i'm not going to deal with this anymore
her: I hope one day you will fine the right one
her: I'm happy for you
me: deal with what? you haven't once told me how I hurt your feelings
her: I very do David
me: I already found the right one.. i'm married to her!
her: you never know or understand what I like at all
her: because in your heart you never love me
her: I'm not going to deal with this
me: Or... maybe neigher of us know the other person well yet
her I'm tired with relatinship like this
me: It has nothing to do with love
her: Just take care only (daughter)
me: You bought me clippers.. i'm bald. lol
me: Just because someone gets a gift to someone else that thye don't like, doesn't mean they don't love you
her: you remember every ****ing thing about your ****ing ex
me: what are you talking about?
her: take her to a nice place... took a photo with her by your phone
her: but me, none...
her: all the pictures is from my phone
her: and you ****ing copy it all
her: bu****
her ...
me: I gave you a phto album with all of us. and no. they were all my phone
her: you should go get a new girls or go back with your ex is better ok
me: no thanks
me: I love my wife
her: i'm looking for someone very love me and understand me
her: I don't happy like this at all
her: please do not texting me
me: well, nobody will ever love you more then I do
me: and I try my best to understand you every day
me: I'm still learning, but I do love you dearly

the end... geezz. sorry for all that. Needed to get it off my chest!


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Have you actually cheated? Physically or emotionally? 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Typing it out was theraputic. It wasn't as bad as it seemed last night, when she stormed off... 

I did follow her into the other room and checked in on her later that night. I sat on the ground and tried to talk, but she refused. She was on her phone texting someone else when I came in.

She won't let me in. Granted, I may not be the most sensitive bloke, I work a lot and try to get her nice things, but I'm not rich yet. But all she does is throw my ex in my face about how I spent thousands of dollars on her and then make my wife eat on the street! 

I have her booked to go to NYC thursday with me for a week. I have to work friday there, and Monday, but we were going to spend the weekend just being tourists together. Now she says she won't go.

BananaPeel, you are right.. I can't win and should just stop playing that game.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened with your ex?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

dawnabon said:


> Have you actually cheated? Physically or emotionally?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


No way. Never even look at other women. I love my wife so much, and am super happy with her. That's what so frustrating, she always accuses me every week... and nothing I say or do changes that.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> What happened with your ex?


She feels that I spent millions on my ex GF taking her all over the world (False assumption).

She know's i can't stand my ex wife. I pay only about 500 a month child support for the girls, and she always yells at me that I support my ex wife, and never her! I don't get it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My thought was she bought you the hair clippers for you to use on her. My bad. English isn't your wife's native language, is it?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She sounds mildly deranged or perhaps even bipolar!

Would it be beyond the scope of possibilities that she herself might be cheating?*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, she sounds BPD. Push-pull to the max.
If she really wants you to leave her alone, she would have STOPPED texting you rather than carry on like a broken record.

Read "I hate you. Don't leave me." That might clue you in.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

Multiple threads about you and your wife's situation. Always with the same theme. You have been told before that she is full blown BSC! You sound non to healthy for a relationship yourself. Deep deep digging by a marriage counselor will still probably do no good.

Best solution is to get the hell away from each other and get professional help.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

I agree with Satya that she may have borderline personality disorder, which is usually rooted in an emotional trauma suffered in childhood, and comes with an extraordinary fear of abandonment and literal emotional inability to trust other people.

And keep in mind that since she can't trust you, you can't trust her, because you don't know when and how she's going to turn on you. Don't learn the hard way like I did.

You can't fix this.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Windwalker said:


> OP,
> 
> Multiple threads about you and your wife's situation. Always with the same theme. You have been told before that she is full blown BSC! You sound non to healthy for a relationship yourself. Deep deep digging by a marriage counselor will still probably do no good.
> 
> Best solution is to get the hell away from each other and get professional help.


I'm sorry, what's BSC...?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Edited to remove filter dodging in quoted text. 


Seems to be a misunderstanding in what her needs are and what you think her needs are (Read His Needs Her Needs)
She sounds bad at communicating her needs to you
She also sounds somewhat entitled and expects you to read her mind
YOU sound like you pander to her and put up with her BS
Stop pursuing her, she will have even less respect for you. Tell her you love her but you are not a mind reader. Leave her be and do your own thing.

Is she Asian by any chance?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bat Poop Crazy


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

aine said:


> She also sounds somewhat entitled and expects you to read her mind
> ......
> Is she Asian by any chance?


I'm guessing yes. I'm also guessing BPD big time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are a doormat. I'd take her up on her offer that it's "over". You love being in love with someone. You can't possibly love a woman this rotten.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you have any self respect left you'd cancel your trip with her. Or....go by yourself and have a great time without having to deal with her drama.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are being pathetic and needy, and she is being a whiny b!tch. Stop kissing her ass. 

Again... have you been cheating? Have you been contacting other women? Do you still stay in contact with the ex's she so clearly has an issue with? 

Next time she tells you she is done, believe her and show her the door.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Why do you continue to kiss her ass? She treats you like ****. She continues to tell you that she's done and you respond by whispering sweet nothings in her ear. I really think there's something wrong with the both of you. It's time to admit that you made a mistake & move on from this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree with everyone who says she is crazy. She seems to have some severe dysfunction going on. You are not going to fix this.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

*


MrNightly said:



Typing it out was theraputic. It wasn't as bad as it seemed last night, when she stormed off...

Click to expand...

*


MrNightly said:


> I did follow her into the other room and checked in on her later that night. I sat on the ground and tried to talk, but she refused. She was on her phone texting someone else when I came in.
> 
> She won't let me in. Granted, I may not be the most sensitive bloke, I work a lot and try to get her nice things, but I'm not rich yet. But all she does is throw my ex in my face about how I spent thousands of dollars on her and then make my wife eat on the street!
> 
> ...


Whoa....wait, upon your own review (while typing) you believe that this conversation "wasn't as bad as it seemed last night"???
And it's your anniversary? This is painful...an utter waste of energy, a cycle of despair. As others have pointed out, there is a personality disorder at play here. You can't win.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I cannot believe you rewarded her terrible Behavior by giving her a trip to New York with you. That's insane. Also, she sounds like an entitled princess who was pissed that you used to spend all kinds of money on your ex-wife, yet she did not get her precious ring upgrade.

FTR, my heart melted when I read about the time and effort you took to make a photo album of your memories. Personally, that is far better than a stupid ring upgrade.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear MrNightly

From what I am reading you and your wife have some serious relationship issues. Have the two of you ever talked about marriage counseling? You might give it a try as the counselor could focus your wife and you to a few priority topics to work on.

One of the things that I believe in is that very seldom is it only one partner is being at fault. By that I mean, you might do some serious introspection to see if you might not be part of the problem. 

From my experience, one of the things my wife would do when she emotionally checked out of our marriage was if she felt at all romantic to me, she would do something to pick a fight in order to regain emotional distance. It took a while, but I ultimately learned to not get angry and to not get baited into fighting with her. You might think about that and see if possibly your emotionally checked out wife may have had her heart melted by your actions and needed to regain her emotional distance. Throwing away the picture book that was too emotional for her would make sense.

Also, you should have really thanked her for the hair trimmer set and asked her what hair she thought should be trimmed. If it were me, I would ask if she wanted you to look like Yule Brenner or if she wanted you to use it to trim you back hair, chest hair, pubic hair or what? Tell her if she won't give you an answer you'll just have to cut all your body and head hair off, except the eyebrows and lashes.

Another thing, as others have pointed out, you really sound needy and clingy. That is really not attractive to a woman. You don't want to be a codependent husband, you need to figure out how to get a life with activities that provide you with emotional validation as opposed to looking to your wife for constant validation.

Good luck.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are being pathetic and needy, and she is being a whiny b!tch. Stop kissing her ass.
> 
> Again... have you been cheating? Have you been contacting other women? Do you still stay in contact with the ex's she so clearly has an issue with?
> 
> Next time she tells you she is done, believe her and show her the door.


No never cheated. Never even talked with other women. 

I would love if you could point out where I was needy and pathetic in my messages.. I'm truly trying to learn. 

Also, yes, my wife is Asian. 

Also, I had planned the trip with her for a month. Aren't guys supposed to do nice things like that for their women? Yes, I'm cancelling her ticket today.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Why did you tell her the hair trimming kit was a "very nice gift" if you are bald? Even if it was a good quality gift, it wasn't a gift that was appropriate for you. Why didn't you ask her why she bought you hair clippers when you are bald? That would have been an obvious question to be made at the time.

Did you like the two shirts she gave you? Were they your style and size?

Does she make photo albums herself, or has she expressed she wanted to start a photo album? Are you planning to make an album every year for her, to keep up the tradition?

I ask that because I get the impression she doesn't have an interest in photo albums, and that you made the album as a tool to remind her of all the things you do for her, not because you really thought she would love a photo album.

You should have given her an additional gift, one that mattered to her, like the shirts she gave you.

I believe the two of you need counseling, first to determine if she is BPD, or if the two of you are playing a sick dance of passive aggressive manouvers. She needs to get a grip on her insecurity, and you need to not play games, whether your own, or hers.

Bringing your two daughters into it is another form of manipulation. Keep them out of it. Of course they liked the photo album. They don't understand the deeper dynamics that go on in an adult relationship.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

...

Whoa....wait, upon your own review (while typing) you believe that this conversation "wasn't as bad as it seemed last night"???
And it's your anniversary? This is painful...an utter waste of energy, a cycle of despair. As others have pointed out, there is a personality disorder at play here. You can't win....

Well.. last night I was very sad. Reading back today it was fairly tame what she said compared to previous times. That's what made me reflect it wasn't that bad. 

Full disclosure, she has very strong signs of BPD... refuses to go to therapy together. The reason I haven't left is because of the new kid. 

If staying makes me a cry baby little bioatch, then I guess I am. I have had incredible energy the last 1.5 years with her, from constant dedication to improving myself. I've grown a ton, and really cherish my relationships. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel the same way.

Now as one commenter said, every relationship takes two.. and ill be the first to admit i have occasionally gotten grumpy or what not after a hard day's work, but my love has never wavered.

However last night, on the 1st anniversary eve, with her reactions, I just have had it internally. 

I left the house early today and haven't been back. I'm just afraid she'll clean me out when I'm in NYC this weekend... but who knows.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> me: Are you coming back to bed soon?
> her: no... go head sleep.. don't wasting your time with us.
> her: thanks
> me: Huh?
> ...


Whiny/needy stuff in red.

Basically every time you respond in any way to her words which were utterly hurtful and cruel, with anything other than "whatever you want, talk to you later" or "ok, if you feel that way, we can divorce", or "I'm sorry you feel that way, good night", you are being needy. She knows you are wanting some appreciation and/or physical affection, which is why you're willing to accept horrid behavior without anything other than "I love you" or "I want you" or "why are you being mean to me?"

I know because I did it myself at the end of my marriage.


You should NEVER tolerate this kind of crap, or it's all you'll get from her. You sound like you make a great living. Will she get half of your stuff, a good alimony settlement, and child support from you if you divorce?
If she has you in a bind.....

If you have plenty of money and can get rid of her, I'd start thinking along that route. If what you just wrote sounds like a loving spouse that makes you crazy in love with her......
Geez man, this is what you get on your anniversary? 

she needs an education from you on how you expect a wife to treat her husband. You're teaching her to abuse you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Araucaria said:


> Why did you tell her the hair trimming kit was a "very nice gift" if you are bald? Even if it was a good quality gift, it wasn't a gift that was appropriate for you. Why didn't you ask her why she bought you hair clippers when you are bald? That would have been an obvious question to be made at the time.
> 
> Did you like the two shirts she gave you? Were they your style and size?
> 
> ...


OMG. I'm having JLD flashbacks


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> Why did you tell her the hair trimming kit was a "very nice gift" if you are bald? Even if it was a good quality gift, it wasn't a gift that was appropriate for you. Why didn't you ask her why she bought you hair clippers when you are bald? That would have been an obvious question to be made at the time.
> 
> Did you like the two shirts she gave you? Were they your style and size?
> 
> ...


I had an old one that she saw the other week and it was rusted out. She just grabbed a new one at Wal-Mart because she saw the old trimmer was bad. It was a nice gesture. 

The shirts are her style not mine.. but they are nice so it's fine. I wouldn't ever buy them myself but it's all good.

Yes I see what you mean by the photo album, however she is always going on about how we never do anything, I thought it was a good reminder of all thr great times we have had. 

She's obviously checked out. She's made up her mind I'm a cheater and won't come off it. We can't get better until this is fixed. 

Truth is, I don't think she'll Ever change... if she filed today, id let her go. I won't file first but she's most likely emotionally checked out.. definitely physically out. Wouldn't be shocked if she was talking with someone else, but I don't have any proof to that. 

Happy 1st!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

MrNightly said:


> No never cheated. Never even talked with other women.
> 
> I would love if you could point out where I was needy and pathetic in my messages.. I'm truly trying to learn.
> 
> ...


Nope! They are supposed to do that only for women that deserve it and reciprocates.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

if my W used that language and spoke to me like that = MC or D in pretty short order. Her texting at 3am when you are fighting is a red flag. She is BSC, for sure, and like BPD.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> OMG. I'm having JLD flashbacks


LOL It is all his fault for not practicing active listening. She must be right, he must be wrong!

Actually, I am also wondering if his wife is crazy, immature, or suffering from BPD. However, it might be an unhealthy cultural (gold digger, spoiled entitled brat) thing.

If it isn't the worst case scenario, at least they can communicate openly and honestly.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Whiny/needy stuff in red.
> 
> Basically every time you respond in any way to her words which were utterly hurtful and cruel, with anything other than "whatever you want, talk to you later" or "ok, if you feel that way, we can divorce", or "I'm sorry you feel that way, good night", you are being needy. She knows you are wanting some appreciation and/or physical affection, which is why you're willing to accept horrid behavior without anything other than "I love you" or "I want you" or "why are you being mean to me?"
> 
> ...


I see what you did there... everything I said is in red. 

But seriously, I wouldn't ever have considered my replies as anything other then kindness. 

Women want to feel loved. I was just turning the other cheek, trying to show love.

I should just raise any eyebrow and walk away?

And yes, I make a decent living. She'll get child support unless I get full custody which i probably could. I don't have a big enough nest egg in liquid assets to do anything at the moment. All my money is tired up in real estate (prior to her so she won't get any of it)

I'm basically screwed anyway I look at it financially. If not screwed, at least a big set back.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> ...
> 
> Whoa....wait, upon your own review (while typing) you believe that this conversation "wasn't as bad as it seemed last night"???
> And it's your anniversary? This is painful...an utter waste of energy, a cycle of despair. As others have pointed out, there is a personality disorder at play here. You can't win....
> ...


You quoted me above but FTR I'd never, never, call you or anyone else a "cry baby little bioatch". I do see how different personalities might make that harsh proclamation in a situation such as yours. 
I can see why you are sad. Of course it requires work, but we deserve love & happiness from the primary, significant relationships in our lives. Your current dynamic with your wife doesn't appear to provide this, nor is it "tame" or fulfilling. It's great that you've grown and learned from this relationship...by your description the future seems challenging. Get stronger. Make a plan.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> I see what you did there... everything I said is in red.
> 
> But seriously, I wouldn't ever have considered my replies as anything other then kindness.
> 
> ...


Yes. You should just walk away from garbage she's dishing out. If she won't go to counseling, won't stop the behavior, etc. you have no choice but to walk away from her for good. Life is too short to stay with a soul-sucking vampire of a woman.

Why do you love her so much? Good sexual relationship?
How did you meet her?
Does she have ANY reason to treat you like this on your anniversary or any other time?

None of my business.... Just trying to get a handle on why she'd be acting this way, and why you'd accept this treatment.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MrNightly said:


> I had an old one that she saw the other week and it was rusted out. She just grabbed a new one at Wal-Mart because she saw the old trimmer was bad. It was a nice gesture.
> *If you are bald, there was no need to replace it. You are a patient man.*
> 
> The shirts are her style not mine.. but they are nice so it's fine. I wouldn't ever buy them myself but it's all good.
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MrNightly said:


> .....I'm basically screwed anyway I look at it financially. If not screwed, at least a big set back.


Marriage counselors are expensive, but a lot less expensive than two divorce attorneys.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Araucaria said:


> LOL It is all his fault for not practicing active listening. She must be right, he must be wrong!
> 
> Actually, I am also wondering [U*]if* his wife *isn't* crazy, immature, or suffering from BPD[/U]. However, it might be an unhealthy cultural (gold digger, spoiled entitled brat) thing.
> 
> If it isn't the worst case scenario, at least they can communicate openly and honestly.


Immature can be effectively communicated with. BSC and BPD...Nope!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> MrNightly said:
> 
> 
> > I had an old one that she saw the other week and it was rusted out. She just grabbed a new one at Wal-Mart because she saw the old trimmer was bad. It was a nice gesture.
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> me: Are you coming back to bed soon?
> her: no... go head sleep.. don't wasting your time with us.
> her: thanks
> *me: OK, more bed for me then. Night!
> ...


Here's how it should have gone down.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

So, the good part of a relationship with a BPD is when things are good, they are crazy good. But when they are bad, they are crazy bad. You text conversation is giving me flashbacks. I did everything I could to work around my BPD X, and the one thing I did achieve, is I'm a lot better catch now than when I was single before. 

Someone else said it: You. Can't. Win. 

My kids have told me they have nightmares about my X and I getting back together. You really need to think this through. I can hear you gaslighting yourself. Really, "re-reading, it wasn't as bad as usual"? Holy ****! What is usual, and why do you tolerate it?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Are you in the UK? If so.... you will not get full custody of the kid.

I must have misread things.... you have child and this was your 1st ann? How long have you

been with her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been to a lawyer before you to go NYC? Have you taken time-stamped photos of everything in the house in case she burns or sells it? Have you set up a camera in the house? Have you taken any valuables to a friend's house?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

I'm sorry again, what is BSC?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Ghost Rider said:


> I'm sorry again, what is BSC?



Bat s#it crazy


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Chuck71 said:


> Are you in the UK? If so.... you will not get full custody of the kid.
> 
> I must have misread things.... you have child and this was your 1st ann? How long have you
> 
> been with her?


No, I'm in Kansas. It's very friendly to men, thankfully. 

So.. she claimed that she was not able to get pregnant by multiple doctors. She was married for 9+ years and couldn't get pregnant. I didn't wrap it ever with her, and then BAM, in July/August of last year, "I'm pregnant!" Doing the right thing for her culture, I quickly married her within 2 months.

I've got to get a parental test done on the baby... as some other dude was texting me claiming to be banging my wife in July (He's full of crap most likely, but still...) The kid looks like me, but I'll feel better regardless.

We've been together for almost 2 years in total... well.. 1.75 years I guess. 2 years in January.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> Have you been to a lawyer before you to go NYC? Have you taken time-stamped photos of everything in the house in case she burns or sells it? Have you set up a camera in the house? Have you taken any valuables to a friend's house?


No to all of these... I've been in a small daze today honestly.

She claims to want nothing (From past fights where she is threatening divorce) I don't think she'll destroy anything. She left her husband peacefully and took nothing.

Before she met me, she worked 3 jobs... so I know she can make money. She is BPD, not vindictive.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

BPD, not vindictive... I would not bet the farm on this.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Don't Panic said:


> You quoted me above but FTR I'd never, never, call you or anyone else a "cry baby little bioatch". I do see how different personalities might make that harsh proclamation in a situation such as yours.
> I can see why you are sad. Of course it requires work, but we deserve love & happiness from the primary, significant relationships in our lives. Your current dynamic with your wife doesn't appear to provide this, nor is it "tame" or fulfilling. It's great that you've grown and learned from this relationship...by your description the future seems challenging. Get stronger. Make a plan.


I apologize. I was writing from my phone most of the day and that was difficult to copy properly.

Yes, growing is critical. I generally am extremely optimistic person. However, these days that's harder to come by.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When did her anger regarding your exes start?

It could be because I have my own experiences with poor ex boundaries that give me a different perspective, but I just get the feeling something is missing here.

When did she start to feel inferior to your exes? There's usually a reason this happens.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Marriage counseling rarely works with a personality disordered spouse, which your wife seems to be showing traits of...BPD

Since you are determined to stick this out you have to change your mind set.

You cannot change her way of thinking about you and in her eyes ...your indiscretions, however unfounded by being nice and accommodating.

You have to be the adult in the marriage and make the decisions and be firm

Insist she goes for professional help for a proper diagnosis. Find out if post partum depression is exacerbating her symptoms 

Set personal boundaries of what you will and will not accept from her. Have consequences in place...if she violates a boundary...leave for the night to clear your head and show her you mean business. BPD’s have a fear of abandonment...I hate you...don’t leave me mentality so she will fear this.

Her emotions are extremely unstable one minute she ll love you and the next minute/ hour day she’ll hate you.....black and white thinking.

Do not trust her in the “ loving” stages....because it will only be a matter of time before she blows again...and she will

If you aren’t already ...you will be walking on egg shells wondering which “ wife” is walking down the stairs on any given morning, and what little or large situation will flip her back and forth emotionally or enrage her.

You will never be able to do anything right...there will always be a double standard

She will always play the victim...that is apparent from your revealing your text conversation 

I know you love her and you want to help her but you have to do it with your head and not your heart and definitely not your **** because that just angers her...it will always be a parent/ child dynamic in your marriage 

Document , take pictures of every situation you encounter with her as she may use any or all of it against you....but with her twisted version...so with evidence you can protect yourself. 

Carry a VAR...use it when she starts on one of her rampages...because there will be many....it may not be legal to use as evidence in your state...but be prepared just in case

Even before you can get a diagnosis...read all you can on BPD...make yourself more aware of the patterns and behaviours.

It will be a tough marriage dealing with this...but if you love her and want to stay despite all signs pointing to tell you to RUN...
educate yourself, take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise and take some time for yourself to re-group...because it will be a long and tiring road ahead.
Your life is important too...and your daughter ‘s

And remember...no amount of you being nice and accommodating will change who she is. Time for tough love...unfortunately


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap, what a needy psycho.

Send this one back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> No, I'm in Kansas. It's very friendly to men, thankfully.
> 
> So.. she claimed that she was not able to get pregnant by multiple doctors. She was married for 9+ years and couldn't get pregnant. I didn't wrap it ever with her, and then BAM, in July/August of last year, "I'm pregnant!" Doing the right thing for her culture, I quickly married her within 2 months.
> 
> ...


LOL...

Do yourself a huge favor and get the test done ASAP.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> When did her anger regarding your exes start?
> 
> It could be because I have my own experiences with poor ex boundaries that give me a different perspective, but I just get the feeling something is missing here.
> 
> When did she start to feel inferior to your exes? There's usually a reason this happens.


It has always been present to a minor degree... I think with the GF it's two fold: 1) she found some left over valentines day cards from my ex GF (Who I broke up with and never looked back about 1.5 years before meeting my current wife) a few months into our marriage. I didn't realize I still had them, and burned them in the fireplace with my apologies. 2) She found an old photo on google drive we share, with my ex. I had deleted almost all of them (because she can't have anything around from a previous relationship, although she is still fb friends with all her exes. lol) She took the old photo and made it her back ground on her laptop. And hasn't touched it since (I gave it to her a present last xmas... now it's a paperweight).

She flips on my ex wife. Sometimes she is like, whatever. Other times she hates her. I do pay child support and she continually says that I give ALL MY MONEY to my ex.. and none to her. Which of course is just nonsense.

I don't talk to my ex GF. Haven't since I broke up with her 1.5 years before meeting my wife.

I ONLY talk to my ex wife in passing emails/texts and ONLY about the kids. I can't honestly say when the last time I spoke to her face to face. Probably well over a year ago, in court most likely, when we were renogotiating child support things. My exwife is friends with my sister, who gossips about everything. It's obvious my sister is caught in the middle. 

So ya, that's the back-ground on the Ex's.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

cma62 said:


> Marriage counseling rarely works with a personality disordered spouse, which your wife seems to be showing traits of...BPD
> 
> Since you are determined to stick this out you have to change your mind set.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this.

Yes, I've actually plugged in a little bit at BPDFamily.com They are a helpful group, but fairly slow to offer thoughts/ideas, unlike TAM.

I have a plan now:

Verify that the baby is indeed mine.
If she isn't, I'll file immediately.
If she is (And 99% chance she is right?) I'll wait for her to leave, which will be sped up by not playing her games anymore.

And... maybe there's a small chance she'll change.

Otherwise, it's black/white forever and that's not really feasible with my plans for life.

One poster on here was quite caustic and said I was a wimp/pathetic/loser etc for not standing up to her. I view it as loving. But he was right in one regard, which is not standing up for my own respect. I won't do that anymore. Enough is enough. 

BTW, question: Is it a trend of BPD'ers to not be able to stick to a plan for very long? I've noticed this with my wife about several businesses I've tried to help her start. She just keeps walking away from them.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@MrNightly

Yes it can be common for BPD’s to be gung ho at the beginning of a project and lose interest half way through and not finish....a trait to other disorders as well 
Whatever she starts and doesn’t finish...will be somebody else’s fault that made her not follow through...not hers .
However if it is something they love doing and peaks their interest...they can actually hyper focus.

Sounds a bit ambiguous but par for the course with BPD


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I know a lot more about BPD and personality disorders than most people, by nature of a solid education in psychology and a diagnosed BPD wife . 

I still let someone else diagnose her as part of family counseling with our older daughter a decade ago. 

Like your wife, mine is Asian (Central tho). 

The web site you mentioned was beyond useless in my experience. I did find a few things that worked and many that did not. 

We're I counseling currently - and not making a whole lot of progress if you ask me - but the thing is you gotta approach things differently. 

Even then it's not a gimme and not worth the aggravation. In my case BPD was adult onset, after some rather unfortunate events 10 years ago. She had the traits but was not subject to raging etc. It all blew up later into full BPD. And as I said, I'm not sure we'll get anywhere.

Some things that worked for me:

- behavioral mirroring (behave exactly like she does - not for the faint of heart)
- cognitive behavioral therapy (mind blowing tedious)
- predictive behavioral modeling (try to predict her behavior)
- complete withdrawal 
- good ole' manipulation (my specialty)

Your problem may not be BPD in itself but rather, BPD and her culture expectations and stereotypes. Do you have any background on her family, parents marriage, mental health issues...


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

john117 said:


> I know a lot more about BPD and personality disorders than most people, by nature of a solid education in psychology and a diagnosed BPD wife .
> 
> I still let someone else diagnose her as part of family counseling with our older daughter a decade ago.
> 
> ...


"good ole' manipulation..." Classic!

Yes, I know quite a bit about her background. It's safe to say that her BPD was childhood onset.

Her mother found out her father was cheating at a young age (4 or 5 maybe) and pulled a gun out and shot him in the chest... missed his head apparently. They divorced. 

Her mom then died from cancer when my wife was 13 years old. 

Her step-mom tried to kill her with food poisoning. She survived at the age of 15.

Her twin sister was killed in a car wreck at the age of 17, which my wife was driving the car. took 4 months to get out of the hospital and then she realized she had killed her sister (Well, the wreck did)

She was given in marriage to a white guy at a very young age, 16 I think? Lived at home (This part if foggy at best) until about 21 and then they shipped her off to the States with her new husband.

Husband basically locked her up in a room (Not literally) and they only spoke once a week or so.

BF after husband tried to kill her, physically. She managed to get a call out to 911 then the police found her in the closet beat almost to death. BF (ex) got thrown in jail for a long time.

Had another BF who was addicted to gambling... and another BF who proposed within a few weeks (???) and she then found out he was cheating on her with another friend. She claims that this BF and her never even had sex.

Then she met me. And now i'm the worst thing that has ever happened to her, or so she says. *Shaking my head...* really? 

So let me ask you this... has all the work been worth it on your end? Do the goods outweight the bads? 'Cause from where i'm typing, I'm not really sure what to think right now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> No, I'm in Kansas. It's very friendly to men, thankfully.
> 
> So.. she claimed that she was not able to get pregnant by multiple doctors. She was married for 9+ years and couldn't get pregnant. I didn't wrap it ever with her, and then BAM, in July/August of last year, "I'm pregnant!" Doing the right thing for her culture, I quickly married her within 2 months.
> 
> ...


So she is hateful AND a cheater... what a catch! Why in the hell would you think some guy was making up that he was banging your wife?? DENIAL MUCH??


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> So she is hateful AND a cheater... what a catch! Why in the hell would you think some guy was making up that he was banging your wife?? DENIAL MUCH??


Most likely because she dated with him before she met me, she's really quite stunning, and her personality is magnetic (before you really see the BLACK side) and he wanted to break us up so he could have another shot with her.

She vehemenately denies ever being with this guy... so ya, I think he's full of wishful dreaming. Based on looks alone, my wife is a perfect 10. Every guy wants to be with her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

First, if you knew all of the above, I'm amazed you got together. I mean... I'm not Asian (European born and raised) and bridging the culture Gap is hard enough, throw a healthy dose of histrionics in the picture and it's OMG time.

Was it worth it? Only because I got two amazing daughters out of it. And her income has been key to making sure these young ladies reach their academic potential. 

Me? I'm old and lazy and couldn't care less about the histrionics. I'm patient and love to make elaborate plans. But there's a breaking point for everyone.

Here's what I learned. With your friendly neighborhood variety BPD, the push pull cycle will not likely be broken by them. Not likely tho it happens. With a wife from a faraway place like yours or mine, it is conceivable they will bail out first. I'm convinced my wife could walk away from us under the right circumstance. She even mentioned it the other day.

Here's where it gets . Personality disorders operate a little on the mind like PC viruses. They eat up a lot of the mind's processing power. This means the individual must cope by simplifying their mental model of reality by quite a bit. 

This leaves them very vulnerable to manipulation. Yours or someone else's.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

john117 said:


> First, if you knew all of the above, I'm amazed you got together. I mean... I'm not Asian (European born and raised) and bridging the culture Gap is hard enough, throw a healthy dose of histrionics in the picture and it's OMG time.
> 
> Was it worth it? Only because I got two amazing daughters out of it. And her income has been key to making sure these young ladies reach their academic potential.
> 
> ...


I'm intriqued by your Manipulation comments... examples please?

Histrionics stills gets me riled up inside, I admit. I want to appease the situation, be the hero on a white steed racing in to save the damsel in distress. I'm learning though. I'm also fairly young (36) so who knows... maybe by time I'm 60 I'll have figured out what kind of crazy to stay away from!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Most likely because she dated with him before she met me, she's really quite stunning, and her personality is magnetic (before you really see the BLACK side) and he wanted to break us up so he could have another shot with her.
> 
> She vehemenately denies ever being with this guy... so ya, I think he's full of wishful dreaming. Based on looks alone, my wife is a perfect 10. Every guy wants to be with her.


Oh... well... if she SAYS she's never been with him, then you can take that to the bank. I mean, she is SO honest and all.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Manipulation as in creating a simplified version of reality that reduces triggers. A lot of selective facts management if you will .


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh... well... if she SAYS she's never been with him, then you can take that to the bank. I mean, she is SO honest and all.


My keyboard is officially covered in your sarcasm that oozed from the screen... Well done!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hello fellow Kansan. I work in the legal field. If you need a referral for a good domestic lawyer, holler.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Reading about her history..

Did you think you could *save* her?

Are you codependent? I assume that you must be, on some level.

Maybe instead of focusing on her problems, you should look inward at why you accept all of her behavior and why you feel this overwhelming responsibility to fix and right everything she does to destroy the relationship.

I have much less direct experience with BPD than John, but one thing from my limited experience I've learned is, you give a BPD exactly what they want/fear and their heads will spin.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Just take her to Joe's KC BBQ and if that doesn't work then divorce  

Seriously, how has she adjusted to Kansas? I've done a fair amount of business travel to KC and while its an awesome place, I could see foreign born people having second thoughts.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

MrNightly said:


> No, I'm in Kansas. It's very friendly to men, thankfully.
> 
> So.. she claimed that she was not able to get pregnant by multiple doctors. She was married for 9+ years and couldn't get pregnant. I didn't wrap it ever with her, and then BAM, in July/August of last year, "I'm pregnant!" Doing the right thing for her culture, I quickly married her within 2 months.
> 
> ...


Get that done ASAP! There is a limited window where you can use that to not have to pay child support. If you don't do it right away and enough time has passed, then the courts don't care who the biological father is and whoever is on the birth certificate will be stuck paying child support.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read everything you can on BPD. Consider going to a therapist yourself to learn how to navigate being around a BPD; even if you divorce, she'll be in your life for 17 more years. Also get that therapist to help you figure out why you have a KISA attitude so you can get rid of it.

And also read No More Mr Nice Guy while you're waiting; it covers the part people are saying about wimp/etc. - teaches you how to set up protective boundaries so you don't get sucked in.

And given the ridiculously high amount of high-level tragedies that have occurred in her life, I would give her about a 5% chance of ever coming out normal even with weekly therapy, assuming she would ever go (which she won't). In other words, she's a lost cause, and I don't say that often when there's a kid involved. In fact, given such a incredibly dysfunctional mom, I would suggest you divorce immediately so that your child has at least ONE stable home to grow up in.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Wanting to ride in on the white steed and save her huh..... seen many guys come here with that mantra...

doesn't work. You have better odds going to Vegas with $10k and coming back with $250k.

We call this the Mr. Nice Guy / Mr. Fixer / KISA knight in shining armor.

You try to nice her back, bargain her back, savior her back, manipulate her back.... and I 

(and others) ask, "How's that been working out for you?" 

I am a biscuit and gravy past a year from completion of my doctorate in psychology.

I believe every human has traces of BPD and other disorders. Of course some, much more than 

others. BPDs leave a huge paper trail if they are cheating, not saying they "want" to get caught

but are not phased when they are caught. Cause then they get to blame you for it. Yes some fall for

the re-written history. If what she said was true about her back story, her current actions are

partially a manifest of her past. It's their "coping mechanisms," if you can even call it that.....

but that's all they have, so they run with it. She is emotionally stunted.... the actions of her childhood

and past have stunted her growth emotionally. She regresses back to an age emotionally, when things

get the least bit stressful, when she was age appropriate emotionally, or "felt" secure.

These traits do not disappear with age, they intensify. She may very well love you but she is only

able to show this in limited parts....it's "the best" she can offer as long as she does not seek out

intense therapy. My HS sweetheart, she was a knock-out (still is) and I was... nice looking. She had

more onlookers than I did BY FAR. But take a guess who was massively jealous.

We were riding up the road to my parents house, almost 30 years ago, the girl who lived down the 

road was walking home from the bus. 1st love grabbed the wheel and tried to make my car hit her.

I reclaimed the wheel, she laughed and said she was joking. Funny though, had I not retook the wheel

the car would have hit her. So jealous behavior.... is very common. I should have run like hell after that

but I was 17. Why did she try to hit her..... she missed the bus one day and saw me..... 

I gave her a ride home. Fast forward 30 years to today..... she is worse than she was then.

If you decide to stay, you are in for the ride of your life. If you ask me, it just is not worth it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> No never cheated. Never even talked with other women.
> 
> I would love if you could point out where I was needy and pathetic in my messages.. I'm truly trying to learn.
> 
> ...


I guessed as much, it is all about control and power plays. I am caucasian but have Asian relatives and work with Asian ladies, they have a way to doing this, leading the white guy by the nose, he doesn't know what it is she wants but is expected to know. You need to become the alpha male in the relationship, at the expense of generalizing, alpha is what they respond to, not beta. Sorry it is a cultural thing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Many on here talk about BPD but culture has alot to do with the whining, the coy bull****, the not saying, the expectations, the mind games, etc.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aine said:


> I guessed as much, it is all about control and power plays. I am caucasian but have Asian relatives and work with Asian ladies, they have a way to doing this, leading the white guy by the nose, he doesn't know what it is she wants but is expected to know. You need to become the alpha male in the relationship, at the expense of generalizing, alpha is what they respond to, not beta. Sorry it is a cultural thing.


Judging only from what I have seen men post here on TAM about their Asian spouses, it appears they tend to be self absorbed, entitled, and hateful.  I guess you are probably right that it takes a certain personality to gain their respect and keep them even, they cannot deal with doormat men.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

john117 said:


> Just take her to Joe's KC BBQ and if that doesn't work then divorce
> 
> Seriously, how has she adjusted to Kansas? I've done a fair amount of business travel to KC and while its an awesome place, I could see foreign born people having second thoughts.


I laughed out loud at this one. So true. The new kid on the block is Q39. Mmmm, best around I believe in BBQ.

She has adjusted quite well. She initially moved with her husband to BFE Arkansas. 1000 people in the town etc... was a nightmare. She loves KC. It's big enough for everything you need, yet small enough (2.5M people) to still feel homey.

Compared to Bangkok, it's a tiny city, but she loves Country music and is really a good fit here. It's not the city that's the problem.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

So an update. After compiling all the data from this thread, last night she was mad as hell. She blocked me on FB and then send a text saying she was done. I responded, Ok, and asked when she was filing for a divorce and what her plans were. She stomped around the house until about 4am, then finally climbed into bed.

When we woke up, I asked her point blank, now what? 

She said, I dunno.

I said, well there's two options: 1) You file for divorce and move on, no biggie. 2) You learn to start talking instead of screaming/demanding things and we'll make progress.

She ended up as close to apologizing as she'll come. Said she feels that I don't pull enough weight with house hold items and doesn't feel loved. I told her that she can feel that way, or she can realize that I'm not cheating etc and it's all in her head. 

I did tell her that as long as she is at my house, and climbs into bed half naked, I'll be jumping all over that! That made her laugh actually.  (Gotta keep a bit of humor in it)

At the end, I feel that I've learned that being an Alpha doesn't mean being a jerk. I'm not going to play her games anymore, and told her as much. She has realized that I'm not going to be bending over anymore. I'm certain she'll test again in another week or two, but that's ok. Felt that she opened up a little more then normal this morning and started to see a little bit better. Not expecting transformation overnight, but I did tell her that if she CANNOT keep doing the Divorce crap every time she gets upset. because next time, I'll just go file when she says it. She said that she isn't going to file and thought I was (She literally believes I don't love her!? I'm like WTF seriously?)

Anyways, that was a first for Anniversaries. Geez.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You still need a DNA test to find out if the child is yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> it appears they tend to be self absorbed, entitled, and hateful.


I know an Asian woman who has come close to ruining me and my husband. She is exactly as you describe. She once dated a doctor and he would fly to town from across the country to date her. He asked her to marry him and she said she would - on one condition: that he put it in writing that he would provide her $10,000/month to spend as she sees fit, for the rest of her life. Luckily, he got smart and dumped her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> I know an Asian woman who has come close to ruining me and my husband. She is exactly as you describe. She once dated a doctor and he would fly to town from across the country to date her. He asked her to marry him and she said she would - on one condition: that he put it in writing that he would provide her $10,000/month to spend as she sees fit, for the rest of her life. Luckily, he got smart and dumped her.


Must've been some darned good stuff. Apparently not worth the price tag, however.:scratchhead:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> I know an Asian woman who has come close to ruining me and my husband. She is exactly as you describe. She once dated a doctor and he would fly to town from across the country to date her. He asked her to marry him and she said she would - on one condition: that he put it in writing that he would provide her $10,000/month to spend as she sees fit, for the rest of her life. Luckily, he got smart and dumped her.


Odd a Dr. has to fly 2500 miles for a date. Poor picker? I'd be game for the price though.

Write in really small print 100.00 month. Then fly to Tahiti so her screaming wouldn't bust my eardrums.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

aine said:


> Many on here talk about BPD but culture has alot to do with the whining, the coy bull****, the not saying, the expectations, the mind games, etc.


Culture impacts the identification and treatment of BPD in my view. Some cultures simply don't see mental health as important, and rationalize abhorrent behavior by family members quite well...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

MrNightly said:


> So an update. After compiling all the data from this thread, last night she was mad as hell. She blocked me on FB and then send a text saying she was done. I responded, Ok, and asked when she was filing for a divorce and what her plans were. She stomped around the house until about 4am, then finally climbed into bed.
> 
> When we woke up, I asked her point blank, now what?
> 
> ...


Wow! You handled the situation so well. You were the sane, level headed, say what you mean, mean what you say guy. If she is not crazy, perhaps she can come around, if you set a good example, establish your boundaries and hold them.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I haven't read thru all the posts. But all I have to say is that instead of F my life, you should start thinking F THAT life. You don't need to try to nice her, to try to win her heart, to try to be the nice guy. Just cut this one loose and make a better life for your self. There is not need to go thru life wondering how you can make some one else happy. In all honesty it sounds like you should read No More Mr Nice Guy and stop being her door mat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Does she work outside the home? If so, I'm sure we could of all do more household duties..,

Not being able to say I'm sorry after the way she acted? Not a good sign.

But you showing her you can live without her and challenging this divorce bs she spouts????

👍👌🤛


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> I know an Asian woman who has come close to ruining me and my husband. She is exactly as you describe. She once dated a doctor and he would fly to town from across the country to date her. He asked her to marry him and she said she would - on one condition: that he put it in writing that he would provide her $10,000/month to spend as she sees fit, for the rest of her life. Luckily, he got smart and dumped her.


Many (those that leave their countries for greener pastures and caucasian men) have lived in poverty and $$$ are incredibly important. They will stick it out for the $$$. The ones who are middle class and educated do not need to pull all the drama. The thing the ticks me off is the absolute lack of remorse and mercenary approach to relationships and he lack of loyalty.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> "good ole' manipulation..." Classic!
> 
> Yes, I know quite a bit about her background. It's safe to say that her BPD was childhood onset.
> 
> ...


Did she tell you all of this. Be careful, sometimes stories are made up, others embellished for the drama, the sympathy, etc. I have been burnt in this regard by employees over and over again, sob stories for money, sob stories for emergency leave, etc etc. I am no longer so soft.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Don't Panic said:


> *
> 
> Whoa....wait, upon your own review (while typing) you believe that this conversation "wasn't as bad as it seemed last night"???
> And it's your anniversary? This is painful...an utter waste of energy, a cycle of despair. As others have pointed out, there is a personality disorder at play here. You can't win.*


*

Which one of them has the personality disorder?*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aine said:


> Did she tell you all of this. Be careful, sometimes stories are made up, others embellished for the drama, the sympathy, etc. I have been burnt in this regard by employees over and over again, sob stories for money, sob stories for emergency leave, etc etc. I am no longer so soft.


I had this same thought as well... all of it together seems pretty over the top.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Jus260 said:


> Which one of them has the personality disorder?


You caught my intentional ambiguity there. 
She appears BPD, while OP is operating at a high level of unhealthy codependency...family of origin issues? I hope he is able to recognize the cycle and break out of it one way or another. Tough way to live. 

Go Blue! :smile2:


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Don't Panic said:


> You caught my intentional ambiguity there.
> She appears BPD, while OP is operating at a high level of unhealthy codependency...family of origin issues? I hope he is able to recognize the cycle and break out of it one way or another. Tough way to live.
> 
> Go Blue! :smile2:


I appreciate your input. I have never viewed myself as co-dependent. In fact, I have always been anything but, in my eyes. I was raised very religious and to "turn the other cheek" at everything. I am now seeing that this acts as an enabler to "bad behaviour" if you will in a relationship.

Thanks to all of you, I am learning how to respond appropirately. It's not being a total jerk to walk away from abusive situations after calming stating it's not acceptable behaviour coming out of the other party.

Trying to keep the peace was never related to co-dependency in my world. Law Enforcement background always trying to be the "saviour" was just in the cards. 

I now am awakening to how my responses to her actions were not helpful. Hey, better late then never right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aine said:


> Many (those that leave their countries for greener pastures and caucasian men) have lived in poverty and $$$ are incredibly important. They will stick it out for the $$$. The ones who are middle class and educated do not need to pull all the drama. The thing the ticks me off is the absolute lack of remorse and mercenary approach to relationships and he lack of loyalty.


The problem with this woman is she was extremely rich growing up. Had a handful of servants just for her. Got everything she ever wanted. Married an American who had his own business, but she was so demanding he divorced her. In the 10 years I've known her, she's ruined 4 businesses she owned because she simply won't work. She wants to be golfing and hanging out at the country club. But she's gone through literally millions of dollars to the point that she couldn't even pay her electricity - all because she wasn't willing to do real work.

Sad thing is, that's how she raised her daughter, too, my daughter's best friend. She grew up with money and by the time she got out of school and got pregnant, there was no money left. But she still wants everything. To her credit, she did go back and get a dental tech degree, but every penny she gets she blows on $500 purses and stuff.


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