# My Husband's Table Manners



## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

My Husband "grosses me out" when he eats. He eats really fast. He takes such big mouthfuls that he gags at times, makes crazy grunting noises, and chews with his mouth wide open. Sometimes I pushes his plate forward so he can lean his arm on the table and around his plate while he inhales his food. He literally leans over his plate and sometimes its like he is in no other world than devouring his food. 

I am not the only one that notices. The kids make fun of it. (Our 4 kids are all teenagers.)

He is over 50 years old. I don't know if there is a way he can change, at this point. I hate to pick on every single thing that he does - I like to choose my battles - but this is really bothering me!

My husband is well educated (a medical doc) and he was raised in a nice house with four kids. His mother, father, brothers and sisters DO NOT have this issue.

I may be the one with the issue here, I am not sure. But I would love some feedback...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I take it this isn't a recent thing? Why does it bother you now and not years ago when you were dating?

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what's his response when you or the kids mention it to him?

C


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

It's always bothered me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did he eat like this when you dated? Or is this something that developed over time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SmileEveryDay said:


> It's always bothered me.


So he did this before you married him?



.


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

I'm not sure he really "gets it" the few times it's mentioned. But he is pretty sensitive to doing things that are wrong. I don't think anyone wants to hurt his feelings. The kids just put up with it. (btw 3 of 4 of the kids are pretty well behaved eaters!)


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

Yes, he has always done this.


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

I think, in general, people are afraid to criticize him.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I'm betting there are bigger issues in this marriage than the way he eats...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think I would have a second date with someone who eats like that, to be honest. But now that ship has sailed... I'd be tempted to set up a hidden camera and showing it to him in a kind, concerned manner (ie. not accusing or confrontational). 

What happens when you eat out? I'd expect a doctor to have numerous social occasions. 

C


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

Oh my gosh! I have thought about a camera several times. Or setting my phone on the table and just recording it! I think it would be so humiliating for him to see it - it would be humiliating for me!! But sometimes I don't know what to do! I have also thought about eating that way and seeing if he stares at me and notices. EEEE gads.


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

Oh, and he can suck it up and be less obnoxious at social functions...but sometimes he forgets what he is doing...


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

If this has "always" bothered you about him, _even when you were dating_, then WHY did you marry him?

Vega


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SmileEveryDay said:


> Oh my gosh! I have thought about a camera several times. Or setting my phone on the table and just recording it! I think it would be so humiliating for him to see it - it would be humiliating for me!! But sometimes I don't know what to do! I have also thought about eating that way and seeing if he stares at me and notices. EEEE gads.


One of the reasons why it would be so humiliating to raise it now is because you've let it go so long. Any sometimes, we have to talk about embarrassing or humiliating things with our life partners. If we love them, it's one of the things we need to do p, even though it's really uncomfortable. Like telling them they have bad breath and need to go to a dentist...

C


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## SmileEveryDay (Oct 6, 2013)

PBear said:


> One of the reasons why it would be so humiliating to raise it now is because you've let it go so long. Any sometimes, we have to talk about embarrassing or humiliating things with our life partners. If we love them, it's one of the things we need to do p, even though it's really uncomfortable. Like telling them they have bad breath and need to go to a dentist...
> 
> C


You definitely have a point, there. My bad that I haven't addressed it...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SmileEveryDay said:


> Oh my gosh! I have thought about a camera several times. Or setting my phone on the table and just recording it! I think it would be so humiliating for him to see it - it would be humiliating for me!! But sometimes I don't know what to do! I have also thought about eating that way and seeing if he stares at me and notices. EEEE gads.


The camera is a good idea if you do it in a casual manner. Just set up a camera saying that you want to record your family having a good dinner time together. 

Then just play it for all of you to relive. Let him l Jook at himself and see how he eats. Don't say a word to him about it using the video.

If you say something, just start with one behavior.. "Honey, please close your mouth when you eat." That's it.


Is he a good husband and father otherwise?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lol, my husband leans over his plate and slouches into it, lifting the fork only a few inches. Oddly enough, I never noticed it until we had been married for many years and my mother pointed it out. I pointed out to him that if he spilled food off his fork, he wouldn't be in trouble, then when he looked at me funny, I told him he slouched over his food. From then on I would run my finger down his back when he did it, just a gentle reminder. His mother made a huge fuss about messes, so the kids learned to eat without spilling anything! Makes sense when you think of it like that.

I rarely ever remind him anymore. All of a sudden his head pops up and he realizes he's practically licking his plate...kind of funny actually. He is the only sibling that eats like this too.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

is he an ER or OB doctor? just thought maybe he's used to having to eat fast or not getting to eat at all. It's a hazard of jobs where you're on call and an emergency can pull you away. I would speak to him about slowing down at least while you're out or have company.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I think by now it's kinda too late to say anything considering you've lived with it for years. I still voted "talk to him" however


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My husband has been a fast eater his whole life and his natural inclination is to eat with his mouth open and to smack. The first time I went to visit his family, I watched and listened as his father and two brothers did exactly the same thing, so I think it's a family thing for him, no doubt.

Nonetheless, it took many years and lots of self-discipline and self-reflection on his part to try to train himself out of this and it is very difficult. I've never harped on it. I just answer his questions when he asks. When he asks if people notice it & think it's rude and/or off-putting, I'm honest & say yes. My son has inherited this, so I showed him a poll of young women, who said their biggest turnoff was a guy who eats with his mouth open.

For both my H and my son, the motivator to change was the awareness that other people (not just the family) are judging the behavior negatively. Perhaps your talk could include this aspect of the problem.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

SmileEveryDay said:


> Oh my gosh! I have thought about a camera several times. Or setting my phone on the table and just recording it! I think it would be so humiliating for him to see it - it would be humiliating for me!! But sometimes I don't know what to do! I have also thought about eating that way and seeing if he stares at me and notices. EEEE gads.


Try talking to him about it first. Though how could he not realize he's eating that way? Does he care?

I know it would be humiliating, but if talking to him doesn't help, recording might be the only way.

When I was a college student, I used to dress kind of skanky when I went to bars. I have big boobs so clothes look more skanky on me than an average sized woman. I wasn't necessarily trying to dress that way. I never thought in my head "I want to look as skanky as I can tonight." 

My husband always told me I dressed skanky, but I never listened to him.

He then put some pics of me from that time online (face blocked out for anonymity, of course) and when I read the comments from people, I realized my husband was right when he told me I dressed too skanky. I read comments from complete strangers, some of which were pretty mean. That made me change. It was painful, but it also gave me an important boost in realizing how others see me and just general maturity. 

So while you may hurt your husband in the short term, you will help him in the long term. If you eat out or have dinner parties, I'm sure people make fun of him behind his back. You want to make sure that doesn't happen.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I can't abide poor table manners and wouldn't have got as far as a second date with him, I'm afraid... This has been going on for years, and I'm wondering why it's only now that you feel that you want to confront something that should have been addressed decades ago?

I believe we're never to old to learn new tricks, so I voted that you talk to him (kindly).


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

totallywarped said:


> is he an ER or OB doctor? just thought maybe he's used to having to eat fast or not getting to eat at all. It's a hazard of jobs where you're on call and an emergency can pull you away. I would speak to him about slowing down at least while you're out or have company.


This is exactly what I thought too. 

Back in the day when I had a baby and toddler at the same time, I got in the bad habit of eating fast because I never knew when I would be interrupted and have to deal with one of them. I would have to to catch myself and tell myself to slow down.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Video him eating and show it to him. In a VERY NICE WAY, and hope he sees what you see.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I feel the video idea is cruel and passive aggressive.How would you like if he videotaped a bad habit of yours in action? You'd feel humiliated,hurt,and angry I bet. 

Just talk to him and tell him exactly what you told us.If it doesn't improve,refuse to sit at the table with him while he's eating or tell him if he can't get some simple manners he needs to eat outside or standing at the kitchen counter.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I have to say that I dumped a boyfriend once because I couldn't stand his horrible table manners. I imagined a lifetime of watching that, of trying to get our kids to stop doing that, and having to listen to, 'but DAD does it'...I just couldnt' take it.

That being said, I would TALK to him privately and point out that you LOVE him and you find it very unappetizing. Remind him that if he gets in bad habits at home, they WILL carry over outside (at restaurants, conventions, etc.) and you would NOT want him to embarrass himself because you love him and you know he has his pride.

Rather than videotape, you might ask if he wants to just have some kind of unobtrusive SIGNAL that you give him that lets him know he's getting carried away (pulling your earlobe, etc) as a small reminder. If he doesn't believe he's that bad, then give him a choice for the next time the kids are all out of the house:
a mirror in front of him on the table OR
a videotape.

Tell him you're NOT exaggerating and if he doesn't believe you, he's welcome to the proof. All YOU want is a harmonious, appetizing meal.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I have to say that I dumped a boyfriend once because I couldn't stand his horrible table manners. I imagined a lifetime of watching that, of trying to get our kids to stop doing that, and having to listen to, 'but DAD does it'...I just couldnt' take it.
> 
> That being said, I would TALK to him privately and point out that you LOVE him and you find it very unappetizing. Remind him that if he gets in bad habits at home, they WILL carry over outside (at restaurants, conventions, etc.) and you would NOT want him to embarrass himself because you love him and you know he has his pride.
> 
> ...


Great post!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree that the videotaping is a BAD idea. I also agree with whoever said there's bigger problems than this.

Everyone has irritating habits. My guess is that you were able to overlook this one until now because the good outweighed the bad. but something happened recently to make this start bugging you more than before.

Have you heard of 'love banks'? It sounds like he hasn't been making deposits into yours lately, and now you're starting to feel it.

My suggestion would be to start doing some bookwork on your marriage (His Needs Her Needs is a good one, so is Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) and/or some counseling. When things are overall good, stuff like this isn't going to bug you as much. The work on your marriage will also give you an opportunity to address this specific complaint in a manner that isn't going to humiliate him.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

totallywarped said:


> is he an ER or OB doctor? just thought maybe he's used to having to eat fast or not getting to eat at all. It's a hazard of jobs where you're on call and an emergency can pull you away. I would speak to him about slowing down at least while you're out or have company.


Nooo, that's no excuse 

My husband is a doctor, we know a lot of doctors, and I haven't seen anyone eat this way 

edit: i also don't think you should videotape him.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

totallywarped said:


> is he an ER or OB doctor? just thought maybe he's used to having to eat fast or not getting to eat at all. It's a hazard of jobs where you're on call and an emergency can pull you away. I would speak to him about slowing down at least while you're out or have company.


Or military by chance? My boss and another friend were in the military and they still INHALE their meals like the drill sergeant is still there flogging them to do it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

better learn the Heimlich maneuver...it might come in handy.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

I couldn't think of a way to communicate this to my SO until she complained about a friend of hers having poor table manners (the friend is from a Pacific Asian country where it's OK, even compliments to the chef). At next opportunity I pointed out her slurping and asked if that was any worse than her friend's behavior. Since then the atmosphere at the table has been much less detrimental to my appetite. I wish I knew earlier that she simply wasn't aware of her behavior's effect on others! And that it took really minor effort on her part to resolve it.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

moco82 said:


> I couldn't think of a way to communicate this to my SO until she complained about a friend of hers having poor table manners (the friend is from a Pacific Asian country where it's OK, even compliments to the chef). At next opportunity I pointed out her slurping and asked if that was any worse than her friend's behavior. Since then the atmosphere at the table has been much less detrimental to my appetite. I wish I knew earlier that she simply wasn't aware of her behavior's effect on others! And that it took really minor effort on her part to resolve it.


This is very true, was in Japan in a NICE formal restaurant several years ago and all these people in suits and dresses were slurping up their noodles like homeless people.


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## jennyh80 (Oct 14, 2013)

I think you should just talk to him about it. He is an adult man he can take a little criticism. When I was little I was always told not to eat mouth open, not to put your hands on food table and not to speak while you have food in your mouth etc. Making odd noises and eating too fast is no different in my opinion.


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