# Where do these accusations come from?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For a while now I seem to have been randomly accused out of nowhere on this forum for various things and it's almost like people take what I say in my posts out of context and use it to flame me in my other threads or something. Hell even jokes get taken literally, I want to know exactly what's the problem? :scratchhead:

So if you have a problem with me, please lay out your criticisms so I can set the record straight, this is getting out of hand. I have nothing against anyone here but it seems some people do have something against me. I just want to know what's going on, let's deal with this like adults.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

People get the “ideas” behind their accusations from “somewhere”. There has to be an “original source” of their accusation. What they do is pass the accusation along from somewhere to somewhere. Make sense? It’s called projection.

An example. Let’s say your wife is a cheater and has cheated in the past. If she accuses you of being a cheater without any evidence and the accusation is indeed false, then what she has done is project her ways of being onto you. She has projected her own values and beliefs onto you in that she believes you are the same as her wrt infidelity. So if your wife accuses you of cheating and you haven’t that’s a serious red flag to start spying on her because in all probabilities she's a cheater.

It’s the same with thieves. A thief will believe everybody else is a thief and may well falsely accuse someone of stealing.

Projection happens in other ways as well. Lets say two wives have been discussing their husband’s behaviour. They discuss the fact, the truth that one of the husbands had cheated. Now the other wife thinks her husband has cheated and falsely accuses of him.


False accusations are quite wicked and sometimes evil things. Like the man falsely accused of rape. One of my wife’s false accusations about me to my sons was that I had $75,000 savings I’d kept hidden from her. That one particularly wounded and hurt because for the 42 years with her I’d been totally and utterly transparent with the money I earned. But not only that I’d paid for everything to do with our marriage, holidays, mortgage, utilities, furniture etc. etc.

But where did she get that accusation from and the amount of money she accused me of secreting away? Years previously I’d stumbled across a savings book while looking for some documents in my wife’s wardrobe. There in a tin was a savings book with an account I hadn’t a clue about. At the time I just shrugged my shoulders but as sure as eggs are eggs that was the source of her projection, her false accusation about me having a secret savings account because she indeed did have one.


So next time you get falsely accused of something you didn’t do, look for the source of that accusation. It can be extremely telling.


_Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. For example, if you have a strong dislike for someone, you might instead believe that he or she does not like you. Projection works by allowing the expression of the desire or impulse, but in a way that the ego cannot recognize, therefore reducing anxiety._
Defense Mechanisms - Projection


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes I suspected that, I also do it too like, for example; I had thoughts about other women during the emotionally unstable period straight after D-day, so I suspected my wife did the same as well. I still suspect a bit, but I'm keeping it to myself because chances are it's just me projecting and she doesn't deserve to be hurt when she earned my trust in fidelity over the last 7 years.

When it comes to projection on a forum, I just expect people here to be better than that when trying to help others on a forum that's all. It's like they take one thing and then accuse me of everything related to it. =/
I'm hoping it's not a case of projection, that it is at least indeed some misconception or misunderstanding, so I hope this thread will allow me to clarify a few things that people are accusing me of, and hopefully allow for more accurate replies based on my situation with my wife and I.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Yes I suspected that, I also do it too like, for example; I had thoughts about other women during the emotionally unstable period straight after D-day, so I suspected my wife did the same as well. I still suspect a bit, but I'm keeping it to myself because chances are it's just me projecting and she doesn't deserve to be hurt when she earned my trust in fidelity over the last 7 years.
> 
> When it comes to projection on a forum, I just expect people here to be better than that when trying to help others on a forum that's all. It's like they take one thing and then accuse me of everything related to it. =/
> I'm hoping it's not a case of projection, that it is at least indeed some misconception or misunderstanding, so I hope this thread will allow me to clarify a few things that people are accusing me of, and hopefully allow for more accurate replies based on my situation with my wife and I.


Some seem to think us humans are like an island, unattached to anything and surrounded by water. But guess what? That island out there in the ocean is attached to every part of the world from its very roots.

No man is an island! So how we feel and how we behave is affected by the people we surround ourselves with.


For example if I recall correctly you flirted with other women deliberately to tease your wife. Now your wife could have responded in a few different ways. She could have spied on you to keep her eye on you, she could have flirted with other men in front of you, she could have set out to get her own back with passive aggression, she could have slapped your face, she could have left you etc.

Do you get my drift? Your flirting created a reaction in your wife. Plus I think you said you cheated at one time?

Her demands for sex may well have been her response to your affair and flirting! She may well have been trying to, driven to ensure that you had “nothing left” for another woman.


So if the above hypothesis is true, you went and created your own shet. It happens, some call it karma.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can see where this is coming from now...



AFEH said:


> For example if I recall correctly you flirted with other women deliberately to tease your wife. Now your wife could have responded in a few different ways. She could have spied on you to keep her eye on you, she could have flirted with other men in front of you, she could have set out to get her own back with passive aggression, she could have slapped your face, she could have left you etc.


Yes that was a game (which we only played from time to time with full consent) we used to play very early in our relationship (7 yrs ago) and had no problems with it. And yes she did flirt with other men in front of me to get it me going. It was quite fun actually, even though we ended up in trouble a few times, mostly from the guys (including the bfs of the girls who got rejected at the end) and we ended up running out of the clubs laughing our a$$es off.
We had 100% trust during those times, of course it stopped when I cheated...



> Do you get my drift? Your flirting created a reaction in your wife. Plus I think you said you cheated at one time?


Yes the cheat, 5 years ago as you know our problems began due to inter-religious issues. We were breaking on/off and was very unclear of where we stood. I got drunk, and had a ONS at a party, and lost my wife/gf at the time for a year. Earning her back was complicated, and even after we became friends again it still wasn't the same, we could not get back together. However, we ended up having casual sex, and she fell pregnant. Then yeah -> everything else happened - marriage/etc etc.

Very shaky foundation yes



> Her demands for sex may well have been her response to your affair and flirting! She may well have been trying to, driven to ensure that you had “nothing left” for another woman


It's something I suspected as well, hence I stopped the flirting completely - despite it being accepted in the past (read above), became more vulnerable, but nothing changed. When confronted judging by her response to me owning up to my flirting and wanting to change my wife simply used that further against me as more excuses to continue to demand sex. I believe that I have most definitely contributed to her sex addiction, but I also believe this is something she has been dealing with for a long time also due to her past as an escort and she has admitted that. It was her faith that kept her "normal" during our 2 years honeymoon, I shattered that however.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

As an escort your wife will have actually lived in the world of deceit and betrayal. And yes, she will undoubtedly project that world onto you plus in one instance you proved her correct with your ons.


But you have another problem as well. In that you want your wife to work and contribute financially (and maybe for other reasons like self-fulfilment for your wife), but she doesn’t want to work. Her sex drive may also be directly related to her getting pregnant again such that she doesn’t have to work.

Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.: Eric Berne: 9780345410030: Amazon.com: Books talks about this sort of thing. Somewhat unfortunately but enlighteningly at the same time is the study is of dysfunctional games people play, not healthy games.


We all have our own games! We do this to get that sort of thing. The more aware we are of our games, the more self-aware we become.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Come to think of it I do remember complaining about not being able to flirt on this forum as well in the past. The thing is, just because I make a thread about it, doesn't mean I do it. Thinking about it obviously, even justifying my thoughts, even arguing my thoughts - but isn't that the use of this forum?

I also say on here that my wife can't cook for sh-t, but I don't go around hovering over her everytime she cooks saying "honey, you can't cook for sh-t", and if I do, it's when we're both in the mood for a few jabs here and there. Though I can see how I may be seen as an a$$ for it, but it's just not that.

Some of the stuff I said here on this forum was bad sure, but I wonder why people seem to take it apart and judge my marriage based on it, if I truly did EVERYTHING I said on this forum, why do you think I'm got so worried about her reading all my threads? I'm not the type that finds some sick joy in seeing her in pain.

Why people accuse me of that in particular I just don't understand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AFEH said:


> As an escort your wife will have actually lived in the world of deceit and betrayal. And yes, she will undoubtedly project that world onto you plus in one instance you proved her correct with your ons.


Surprisingly she actually had a rather enjoyable time when she was an escort, and she has told me of pretty much everything. Even though she doesn't like it when she ends up recalling all those men in her past. She is ashamed of it sure, but she was actually very well treated. She never really needed the money hence was able to be selective of her clients and protected herself via the agency as well as the rules they had to protect their workers - and clients also had to abide by them. It's interestingly really.



> But you have another problem as well. In that you want your wife to work and contribute financially (and maybe for other reasons like self-fulfilment for your wife), but she doesn’t want to work. Her sex drive may also be directly related to her getting pregnant again such that she doesn’t have to work.
> 
> Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.: Eric Berne: 9780345410030: Amazon.com: Books talks about this sort of thing. Somewhat unfortunately but enlighteningly at the same time is the study is of dysfunctional games people play, not healthy games.
> 
> We all have our own games! We do this to get that sort of thing. The more aware we are of our games, the more self-aware we become.


That's... a troubling possibility =/
I wonder if I should discuss this with her on Friday or not... she's coming clean all the way, so I wonder if she would deny this if confronted. I still find it suspicious that she brought up having another baby just when I was pushing her to get back in the workforce since our daughter is in school.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Come to think of it I do remember complaining about not being able to flirt on this forum as well in the past. The thing is, just because I make a thread about it, doesn't mean I do it. Thinking about it obviously, even justifying my thoughts, even arguing my thoughts - but isn't that the use of this forum?
> 
> I also say on here that my wife can't cook for sh-t, but I don't go around hovering over her everytime she cooks saying "honey, you can't cook for sh-t", and if I do, it's when we're both in the mood for a few jabs here and there. Though I can see how I may be seen as an a$$ for it, but it's just not that.
> 
> ...


It would "help" in some ways if you knew the history of the people who accuse you and say such things . Some of us do so we're not at all surprised. It's them. It's who they are and how they handle things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AFEH said:


> It would "help" in some ways if you knew the history of the people who accuse you and say such things . Some of us do so we're not at all surprised. It's them. It's who they are and how they handle things.


Well even if I did I don't see why I should use their information to threadjack and personally attack them which some have done. There are things that strike a chord with me, but maybe that's just me, I try not to judge mainly due to knowing that I'm anything but a saint (life on the streets), which is probably the principle reason my wife and I got really close - neither of us would be able to handle a saint. It just sucks to see such bitterness expressed towards me when I personally had nothing to do with their hurts.

I still remember a month ago before the thread got cleaned a small flame war I had with someone who practically tried to demonise me and wished lightning bolts to strike me down or something, based on the fact that my wife and I did indeed start from an emotional affair while I was with my ex gf at that time - who I should have broke up with long ago but was young, stupid, and did not know how to handle emotional blackmail and threats of suicide at that time.

Was just shocking... and she even accused my wife of cheating on her boyfriend when she didn't even have one. This in addition to other random accusations just made me :scratchhead: and it's like they take one thing, then add in what they assume based on whatever, and boom, attack me with it... like wtf?

Oh well...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I still remember a month ago before the thread got cleaned a small flame war I had with someone who practically tried to demonise me and wished lightning bolts to strike me down or something, based on the fact that my wife and I did indeed start from an emotional affair while I was with my ex gf at that time - who I should have broke up with long ago but was young, stupid, and did not know how to handle emotional blackmail and threats of suicide at that time.


Not saying I agree or disagree but the fact that the two of you started via EA while you were still with your emotionally unstable girlfriend is enough to make most people want to flame you.

Making stuff up though is never cool and no one,no matter how scattered they appear,deserves that.

I was reading your threads when you first separated from your wife then it became really hard to follow when you kept creating new threads seemingly with every new thought you had about the situation.It started to sound so off the wall and completely all over the place.Tough to follow and empathize. 

It's possible you've gotten flamed or whatever because people are tired of seeing you start a brand new thread every time a new thought pops into your head.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, I can't really take you seriously.

You flit from one thing to the next, swearing that both and all are your Truth.

One day you love your wife completely then the next week you want to go get laid by someone else and forget about your past marriage and the next week you are wondering if you can work it out...

And that's just this past couple of months.

Before that, it's just the tone in your post about how you like to take the piss out of your wife. 

That is just....gawd. You cause your own issues and rarely take advice.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> For me, I can't really take you seriously.
> 
> You flit from one thing to the next, swearing that both and all are your Truth.
> 
> ...


agreed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

people tend not to get close to volatile substances since they could explode


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... my thoughts WERE all over the place =/
It's a nasty habit yes. The reason is due to the times when I have so many questions; one for men, one for women, one for christians, one folks who have experience in infidelity; all at the same time! And I needed the answers ASAP before the next confrontation with my wife for example.

As for the EA, I still don't get why people want to flame me and even my wife over something that happened like 8 years ago. I share things that I'm not proud of in this forum especially when trying to relate to people's problems and to let them know that they are not alone. Sometimes I end up going into threads filled with flames everywhere and I feel sorry for the OPs really when they are just looking for help not to be judged.

As for that scenario in particular I was young and stupid as I mentioned, had no idea how to handle the situation. Eventually thanks to my wife/friend at the time I managed to break free without her causing any damage to anyone - and if you knew the extent of the dangers of breaking up with her, you would understand.

-------

@ThatGirl

Taking the p-ss out of each other during our good times is our dynamic and it's actually one of the good things about us because we can have alot of fun together without taking everything so seriously. During bad times sure, it's not on, but just because I mention that we prod each other, doesn't mean we do it 24/7. You can't just take one thing and think it applies to our entire marriage.



> One day you love your wife completely


Which I have expressed for 2 years on this forum.


> then the next week you want to go get laid by someone else and forget about your past marriage


And that was after D-day, and only ONCE did I even have those thoughts of getting laid and forgeting about my marriage. I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and my thoughts were flying everywhere. I wrote them all down on this forum, didn't delete them no matter how dark they were. They were NOT my end decisions.

How can you possibly take one thing, which happened during D-DAY, and say that that's what I've been doing throughout my marriage?



> and the next week you are wondering if you can work it out...


Of course, emotions fluctuate up and down, and now we're more stable, of course that's going to happen. I simply did not expect to be judged (for just my thoughts even) on a marriage forum where folks come here with many disturbing stories some of which are much more serious and toxic than my own.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RD, I see you as a man who is reformed and who is reforming. You are somewhat remorseful about past mistakes and you’re learning better ways of being and know you have yet more to learn.

People like me will congratulate you and encourage you for that and try and help you out.

Others will hold you to your past. It’s why a lot of men actually leave their wives because their wives simply cannot let go of the past, give the guy any credit whatsoever for the good he’s done and does and the way he’s reformed and consider any mitigating circumstances. For me it is exceptional narrow mindedness, somewhat victim oriented and wound up with a lot of bitterness. Of course these are the “perfect people” and unforgiving people in the world who don't have their very own Shadow.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, it's good you explained. Although, while you were in your pain and anger, people were trying to point that out to you and you wouldn't have a listen at all.

I'm not saying you're damaged. LOL Hell, we all are in our own way. I see you as a pup...just trying to do right, but gettin' into shet on the way. I will say that the last few days, your posts have been way better. More evolved, I guess.

I hope you find yourself on this path  It's a beautiful ride...just...take time to breathe. You seem wound up all the time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks AFEH, and I am remorseful, even if I don't break down in every thread crying about my mistakes doesn't mean that I'm not. I understand that sometimes I can be difficult to deal with and stubborn especially prior to seperation because I simply could not see the sh-t I was in while still living in the snow globe.

TAM is pretty much the only support I have either than my IC and a few of my mates who aren't really much support either than telling me that I shouldn't complain about my problems as I'm supposed to be a man - and men don't complain about too much sex, as well as trying to tempt me into infidelity which I have not accepted. But they're alright, just typical bros I guess. 

@That_Girl

Thanks for understanding, and yes, it was difficult for me to see. I couldn't understand what Conrad meant by Drama-Triangle for example until my wife and I seperated. To be honest if we didn't seperate I doubt I would even be at this turning point of my life to realise my mistakes and want to improve on them.


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