# Low mileage shaming



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just saw a thread recently that seems to have been zombied, and subsequently closed, but it raised quite a few questions...

In the past I actually valued experience in my potential partner but since recent events I've actually reconsidered it.

It seems western society has this view that you need to sleep around with lots and lots of different people to be any good with sex, that it's an expected path to 'adulthood', that virgins have something wrong with them and doesn't enjoy sex, have low drive, etc etc etc. For me, I've found all these to be false, through my experience I found that:

1) Experience does not determine how good/skilled/horny a woman actually is.
2) Virgins does not necessarily have a low drive and doesn't want sex.

And there's shaming for 'low mileage', along with traditional shaming for 'high mileage'. The latter we all know about and try to overcome to be 'progressive' so to speak. The former however seems socially acceptable which I find rather disturbing.

I understand that people seem to say it's a double standard as when a man sleeps with lots of different women he's a stud, and when a woman sleeps with lots of different men, she's a... you know. Yet actually I don't see the double standard, as everyone has their own standards for both men and women. My girlfriend for instance does not like the fact that I've been with several others, and I can understand and respect why - as she herself believes in finding the right person before putting out, just as she understands and respects why I went for FWBs and non-loving relationships in the past - as I simply was not capable of love due to emotional hardening.

However my issue isn't people's preferences so to speak, to each their own, but the fact that western society pushes this "must sleep with lots of people" mentality as a rite of maturity, as if it makes them better in bed. Both men and women with fewer partners are considered 'old school' 'traditional' 'backwards' 'low sex drive' etc etc. For me there's so many other factors to consider. 

Anyway, it's a WTF for me really, I hear everywhere, how this mentality is the norm nowadays. Am I really one of the few that finds it so silly?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with you--also I hate judgmental situations and am wary of those who judge. To me this is an individual choice and one must seek others whose beliefs are similar.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with you--also I hate judgmental situations and am wary of those who judge. To me this is an individual choice and one must seek others whose beliefs are similar.


Aye, and it's almost like due to the shaming for 'high mileage' in the past, which is still apparent in many cultures as well, the shaming is pushed towards 'low mileage' instead. From one extreme to the other.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

One partner women are not low mileage necessarily. A couple could be each other’s one and only, and have a great sex life for decades. With constant, easy access to each other (and sex), a woman like this would be pretty high mileage if you really count up the number of times a sausage went into hiding.

And consider Mrs. 19 kids. I’m guessing her husband is her only. And I’d call that about the highest mileage vagina you can get.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

People make a lot of assumptions and jump to a lot of conclusions. Some of those may have some fact behind them and others may be completely erroneous. 

People also often assume that others think and feel and value things the same as themselves and that also can be erroneous. 

In the case of low mileage men, people often assume that men want to have sex and have girlfriends etc. There for when they come across an adult man that has never had a GF and never had sex (or very little sex) they jump to the conclusion that he is wanting to have a GF/sex but has been unable to get any, they assume that he is too inept and incompetent to achieve what he wants.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

The two very best lovers I have ever had....

Were “low mileage” I was their second. 

My FWB in college, he was incredible. A bit part of that was trust, commutation and vulnerability. He was good. No great. He listened  and also communicated his needs. 

Best? My husband, again, his second. His first turned into a long term relationship, so he had some “experience” but again its communication, communication, communication. 

None of us are alike. Sex I feel is the ultimate non verbal communication. Can you tell what they want and need without words? If so, you will be a good lover.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> One partner women are not low mileage necessarily. A couple could be each other’s one and only, and have a great sex life for decades. With constant, easy access to each other (and sex), a woman like this would be pretty high mileage if you really count up the number of times a sausage went into hiding.
> 
> And consider Mrs. 19 kids. I’m guessing her husband is her only. And I’d call that about the highest mileage vagina you can get.


Aye, but lets say, heaven forbid, her husband passes away and later she finds another lover; her experience with that one lover can't always be transferred to another successfully; Everyone is different with their own turn ons and turn offs and it takes humility and an open mind to adapt not to mention the endgame compatibility.

I was hearing on the radio the host was preaching that one has to sleep with multiple partners to find out what they like and don't like, why the hell does it have to be with multiple partners instead of one for that? Boggles the mind really what they preach these days, makes me worried for our youth.



oldshirt said:


> People make a lot of assumptions and jump to a lot of conclusions. Some of those may have some fact behind them and others may be completely erroneous.
> People also often assume that others think and feel and value things the same as themselves and that also can be erroneous.
> In the case of low mileage men, people often assume that men want to have sex and have girlfriends etc. There for when they come across an adult man that has never had a GF and never had sex (or very little sex) they jump to the conclusion that he is wanting to have a GF/sex but has been unable to get any, they assume that he is too inept and incompetent to achieve what he wants.


Yeah and that too.



I shouldnthave said:


> The two very best lovers I have ever had....
> Were “low mileage” I was their second.
> My FWB in college, he was incredible. A bit part of that was trust, commutation and vulnerability. He was good. No great. *He listened  and also communicated his needs. *
> Best? My husband, again, his second. His first turned into a long term relationship, so he had some “experience” but again its *communication, communication, communication. *
> *None of us are alike*. Sex I feel is the ultimate non verbal communication. Can you tell what they want and need without words? If so, you will be a good lover.


Agree wholeheartedly. I don't get why society doesn't get it, the mainstream is like... facepalm.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I find the whole discussion a bit absurd. Firstly, people who are judgmental about how many/few partners someone has had are of course entitled to their opinion, but generally no one wants to hear it. Secondly, the experience anyone has is entirely subjective and isn't proof of anything. They might come on here and say, "well this guy/girl only had sex with one person before me and they were awesome!" or "this guy/girl had a heap of previous partners and they rocked my world!", yet this still means absolutely stuff all for anyone but them and their partner.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

breeze said:


> I find the whole discussion a bit absurd. Firstly, people who are judgmental about how many/few partners someone has had are of course entitled to their opinion, but generally no one wants to hear it. Secondly, the experience anyone has is entirely subjective and isn't proof of anything. They might come on here and say, "well this guy/girl only had sex with one person before me and they were awesome!" or "this guy/girl had a heap of previous partners and they rocked my world!", yet this still means absolutely stuff all for anyone but them and their partner.


Let me start by saying I couldn’t care less about how many previous partners my wife has had. As long as she is faithful to me then I’m happy. 
There is one point I would bring up though. I would never want a long term relationship with a woman who had no previous partners. There is always the danger that at some stage she will wonder about what she has missed out on and that’s when problems arise. 
Until I came on tam I had never heard the term high or low mileage applied to a man or a woman. In my opinion it’s a sign of low self esteem in the person making the comment. 
Are they afraid of comparison issues lol. 
Be the best lover you can be. Or put it this way,be the guy someone would like to cheat with,not on.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> One partner women are not low mileage necessarily. A couple could be each other’s one and only, and have a great sex life for decades. With constant, easy access to each other (and sex), a woman like this would be pretty high mileage if you really count up the *number of times a sausage went into hiding.
> 
> *And consider Mrs. 19 kids. I’m guessing her husband is her only. And I’d call that about the highest mileage vagina you can get.


You crack me up...LOL...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I think the concept is interesting but it does not bare out in real life. 

So if you take the situation with me and my GF. She is relatively low, I am relatively high. 

Now she has been married a couple of time and dated some but a lot of time she was just too busy raising her children and working as she was a single mom for a long time. 

So for a woman her age, she had a pretty low count, I don't know the exact number and have not asked and I don't care. 

She is an awesome lover. Personally, I consider her my best and our sex life is awesome. And, some of her marriages were fairly low sex which is one of the reasons that they ended. 

So, I have been around. And while I would never tell her or anyone my number, she knows I was a bit of a **** at times in my life. Truth be told, it bothers her a little, and there is some light **** shaming from her. 

None of that bothers me. Now on the other hand, my positive outlook on sex, and the experience that I do have, is something that makes her more comfortable and relaxed about sex in general. 

And, I still get all the compliments from her about my abilities, and good or bad... I also get the questions like, "Where did you learn that?", "What was that?", "How did you know how to do that?"...

So on one hand, my confidence, attitude and experience, really allow her to relax and have a great time, on the other hand she worries about my past in some ways. 

Oddly enough, she worries that because I have been around, that I might get bored and cheat. While for me, I know I won't because I have been around and I know how wonderful she is sexually and every other way, so I have no reason to cheat or sample the goods so to speak, because I have already done that...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TBH, I never quite understood the basis for the whole "experience" thing. So if a guy has 20 one night stands he is considered more experienced (and when I see some say experienced it is usually said as if they are clearly better at sex) vs a guy who has had sex with two people in long term relationships (and from a numbers count may have had sex a heck of a lot more vs Mr One Night Stand)?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Just saw a thread recently that seems to have been zombied, and subsequently closed, but it raised quite a few questions...
> 
> In the past I actually valued experience in my potential partner but since recent events I've actually reconsidered it.
> 
> ...


I agree with you, I hate it when those who save sex for marriage or for long term meaningful relationships are accused of all sorts of things. I love it that some do have such values, and a man like that is very appealing to me, wheras a man who has had many casual partners isn't at all. 
To say that those who wait have a low libido or wont be any 'good' at sex it total nonsense. Its merely that they have stronger standards and values when it comes to sex, and see it as something for a committed and loving relationship. 
Having many casual partners does not make you a good lover AT ALL. It often means that you are more selfish sexually, and merely on the look out for women/men who you want to use for your own desires.

I appreciate that people who wait are in a small minority and hard to find, but sex to them is so important and very much about expressing love and commitment, so far far more meaningful and precious. Like comparing a sandwich to a three course meal. I'll have the three course meal thanks.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

My opinion is that experience has nothing to do with sex quality. Chemistry between partners is what matters. If two people have great chemistry, a strong sexual attraction to each other and comfort and openness in communication about sex, they will have great sex. It may take a few times to really figure out what each other likes and what turns the other on, but all the experience in the world isn't going to replace great chemistry. 

Now one could argue that a guy with a lot of experience will likely have much more confidence in bed and more tricks up his sleeve than a guy with very little experience which might translate into him being better in bed. But if you take the high experience guy and the low experience guy with the same woman, I still think ultimately the woman is going to enjoy whoever she has the best chemistry with. 

Then you have attitude, a selfish lover is never going to be great in bed no matter how much experience they have.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There is another thing at play here. You are familiar with the idea that there is a spectrum of sexuality between heterosexual and homosexual. There is also a spectrum between asexual and raging horn dog (aka normal). Somewhere near to the asexual end is a defined sexuality called demi-sexual. The demi is not sexually excited by anyone unless that person is already in an emotionally intimate, committed relationship with them. Personally I think most low partner count people are Demi-Sexual. Of course my opinion is probably slanted by the fact that I am Demi, and to me that is "normal". 

To return to the thread topic: The Shamming I get goes something like this, "Oh you've only had one partner? What tragedy occurred in your life that broke you this way?" When we realize that there are broad spectrum's sexually we can stop labeling people who are different from us as somehow broken. 

Now I have had one sexual partner. But I had a lot of longish term relationships. I got a lot of practice communicating. And from what I'm reading here that is the bit that makes better sex partners.
MN


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Low mileage? High mileage? The individual is what should mattter.
Depends on which cult at the time serves one's interest or which they are steeped in.

People need a sense of belonging. In an effort to feel good about themselves attempts to shame others helps quantify their own ideas.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Is this topic truly something you worry about with a potential partner? "Society" knows nothing about your partners sexual past so only you are judging the person you're with(at least in most cases)

Every relationship has different chemistery. I think finding a sexually compatible partner is much more important than a person's experience or lack of.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

There is no right and wrong. My personal belief is that low mileage women are for LTR's and Marriage, high mileage women are for fun. I didn't always think like that but with experience I think its imperative to think about it when going into an incredibly risky situation like Marriage.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Anyway, it's a WTF for me really, I hear everywhere, how this mentality is the norm nowadays. Am I really one of the few that finds it so silly?


 @RandomDude in my opinion the people that you hear "everywhere" shaming low mileage are all talk and no mileage. They are self haters feeding into their own self fulfilling prophecy of doom that no one will ever love them. 

People with high mileage are usually your lone wolves that are rarely seen or heard from, cause they are out busy getting busy. 

As old saying goes, "it is the empty can that rattles the most!"

Regards,
Badsanta


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

I love women. Whatever her mileage, I want to add to it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> TBH, I never quite understood the basis for the whole "experience" thing. So if a guy has 20 one night stands he is considered more experienced (and when I see some say experienced it is usually said as if they are clearly better at sex) vs a guy who has had sex with two people in long term relationships (and from a numbers count may have had sex a heck of a lot more vs Mr One Night Stand)?


I think this idea that more partners = better in bed is dumb and wholely uncorrelated. However I don't think many would argue that more partners = more probable exposure to variety. The variety does not necessarily make the person a better lover but does give them the advantage when it comes to quicklyadjusting sexually to a new person.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I am prime example.

I had somewhere around 20 partners prior to meeting my ex-wife, and literally had no idea what I was doing with them. I still feel bad for those women. I can't imagine how disappointing it was. 

In fact, I believe my lack of sexual skill during that time period contributed to my partner count.

Then I met my ex-wife, and she showed me techniques that worked with nearly every partner after that marriage ended, to include my current wife.


Lila said:


> I think this idea that more partners = better in bed is dumb and wholely uncorrelated. However I don't think many would argue that more partners = more probable exposure to variety. The variety does not necessarily make the person a better lover but does give them the advantage when it comes to quicklyadjusting sexually to a new person.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

red oak said:


> Low mileage? High mileage? The individual is what should mattter.
> Depends on which cult at the time serves one's interest or which they are steeped in.
> 
> People need a sense of belonging. In an effort to feel good about themselves attempts to shame others helps quantify their own ideas.


There's a lot of truth to this. For as long as I can remember, there have been people who shame women who have sex with more than one man, and there have been people who shame women for being virgins. I was a virgin when I married my virgin first husband. I ended up divorced. My best friend was the "wild" one in our group. She probably had 4 or 5 partners before she married her husband in 1989. They are still married and have a great, close, strong marriage. I know people with both high and low counts who didn't cheat and did cheat. Obviously various types of research can identify trends.

According to some, my husband now should be a player who can't be trusted. After his ex left him and took their son, he went through a "self medicating with one night stands" phase. He got counseling and healed and is wonderful. I was raped in adolescence and then repeatedly molested. I am apparently supposed to be damaged with sex hangups. I'm not.

My first marriage should have been great. Two virgins who knew each other for a long time with similar backgrounds and interests. It was NOT great. The "why" for our virginity was very different. I had lots of longings and urges and temptations, but I wanted to save myself for my husband, so I did. It was tough at times. I couldn't wait for it to be "legal" lol My ex remained a virgin cause he really didn't care one way or the other. We didn't realize the disparity until after the wedding.

It makes us feel good to label other people (never ourselves of course). Strict middle eastern religions, a couple of sci-fi movies, and a novel by Nathaniel Hawthorne bear this out.

But the bottom line is that no two people are exactly the same, and we ARE capable of change.


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## BPure (Nov 25, 2018)

Very interesting topic! Honestly, I think there is huge variation of what's 'workable' and what's 'not workable' as far as 'high or low shaming'. This all depends on your individual thought patterns, as well as how well you and your partner create an intimate history with one another. I have learned, painfully, over the last 35 years of being of the age of sexual concern, that my best choice is a low mileage partner...simply because I have terrible retro-active jealousy struggles. My first wife was my first, and I was her second, and we were married for 21 years. She filed for divorce because she was having an affair and got caught up in the rush. She later asked if it could be worked out, but I knew I couldn't recover from the betrayal. I have remarried(the ex-wife of the man my ex was having the affair with...yes, I have more posts coming), and my current wife just can't really remember how many 'miles' she has, and this is becoming tortuous. This will likely be our demise for more reasons that just high mileage, but the behaviors and mindsets that she's developed from that lifestyle. I think most of the time, people with like mileages have a better ability to understand one another's miles, and also women with low miles tend to accept husbands with higher miles. Men, instinctively, are more inclined to be triggered by their mate's past and have issues with it. Now, in my late 40's, have learned that low mileage partners can absolutely learn/have amazing sex lives and in my opinion have a better likelihood of forming important pair bonds that(I think) are often lost/weakened when high mileage (multiple partners), enters the picture. I know and welcome the idea that this is not always the case, but I know of one case where it has become obvious.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I was certainly shamed by my fellow dudes.

I know there were women who were not excited by my lack of experience.

But I figured and woman worth being with would accept that part of me. If the woman was "high mileage" and I was willing to accept that, and she was also into me, I'd expect some patience while we worked out what worked for us.

In the end, all my suppositions proved correct. It all worked out fine and my "mileage" or any disconnects therein, were completely irrelevant.


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