# Marriage Counselor's advice - good or bad?



## david_h15 (May 8, 2009)

I posted about a month ago saying how my wife said she was emotionally detached from the marriage and was thinking about divorce. Right now things are pretty status quo - Things haven't gotten better or worse although we took a vacation recently and my wife seemed to enjoy herself. 

But on to the question at hand...I was talking to someone who is experiencing similar problems in their marriage and he said that their marriage counselor recommended that they sleep in separate bedrooms for a while as one of their "homework" assignments. Although in talking with him a little further, it sounds like the counselor never told them how long they should keep this up. From the books and web sites I've looked at, I never heard of this and was trying to see if what the counselor recommended to them made sense. Has anyone else tried this and if so, did it make things better or worse? Also if anyone has tried this, how long of a period of time was this done?

Thanks in advance for any responses!


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

It's not a common practice but there are some couples who do this so that they can work their way back to one another...you have to call on your wife to talk to her, interact with her...woo her...it's kind of like renewing the courtship within the confines of your home.

If you're lucky enough to "score" it's almost like staying over at her place or her your place...that can stimulate connection and start to rebuild the marriage because you are rebuilding the relationship and courting process.

It lasts as long as it takes you to either "fall in love" again or realize that this is broken beyond repair...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

Interesting..

This is basically what I'm doing but since we don't have another extra bedroom I end up on the sofa.

I've been telling my H for several months now that I lost the emotional connection and even told him what I needed to get it back. He's just ignoring me. I guess he's thinking I'll get over it so I've stopped sex completely. 

What would usually occur is I'd want to talk, he'd talk me into sex first and say we'll talk later then of course, the talking never happened.

If only he'd show some soft of effort. I need communication and he never wants to talk. For a women I just don't think it's possible to live in a relationship and not have the communication needed to survive in a M. 

I've gone without for many, many years it's to the point now that I'm fed up as there is major issues that need discussed in order for me to get some type of connection back with him.


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## div2wice (Sep 18, 2008)

I cannot say I've heard this recommended before....and my first reaction is sleeping apart and separating your lives, even just a little, cannot be good.
However upon reading the other post I do agree. It could make you realize what you miss.... and could rekindle some romantic and courtship feelings again which is often missing in today's marriages (mostly due to overwork and time constraints)
I always say try dating again. Make sure you guys do something together once a week. It doesn't have to cost money, but spending time together, away from everyone & everything else is essential !

Good luck,
Pamela
Do It Yourself Divorce | Divorce Forms | File For Divorce


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My oldest sister actually built a house with two master bedrooms. She sleeps in a different room every night. i guess it works for them.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Blanca said:


> My oldest sister actually built a house with two master bedrooms. She sleeps in a different room every night. I guess it works for them.


In the 5yrs Ive been married my wife still couldnt get use to sharing a bed with me. She was use to hogging the bed and falling asleep with the TV on all night. I like it dark and quiet. In my case I think it wouldnt be a great idea as she would probably enjoy it alittle too much. It might be hard for her to go back. In most cases I would probably have to agree with JDPreacher. It might just add a little bit of magic to the odd night again.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

div2wice said:


> I cannot say I've heard this recommended before....and my first reaction is sleeping apart and separating your lives, even just a little, cannot be good.
> However upon reading the other post I do agree. It could make you realize what you miss.... and could rekindle some romantic and courtship feelings again which is often missing in today's marriages (mostly due to overwork and time constraints)
> I always say try dating again. Make sure you guys do something together once a week. It doesn't have to cost money, but spending time together, away from everyone & everything else is essential !
> 
> ...


maybe this kind of promoting of a product should not be here. the site is called talk about marriage...not divorce. i for one, as a long time member, am offended.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> In the 5yrs Ive been married my wife still couldnt get use to sharing a bed with me. She was use to hogging the bed and falling asleep with the TV on all night. I like it dark and quiet. In my case I think it wouldnt be a great idea as she would probably enjoy it alittle too much. It might be hard for her to go back. In most cases I would probably have to agree with JDPreacher. It might just add a little bit of magic to the odd night again.


My H hogs the bed, too. I rarely get a good night sleep. I dont think the separate bedrooms is such a bad idea either. I would love a little privacy every once in awhile. There was another poster on here who's counselor told them not to have sex for six months. I am having sex issues in my marriage and i was wondering how much of it is just being around each other too much and there being no spark left.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thats a good possibility Blanca.

I myself am a weapon in bed. Watch out for flying limbs..lol.
I snore and stop breathing and instead a dealing with my problems in my waking life, I just yell at them in my sleep.

Most of its probably caused by stress as I never use to be like that.

I personally wouldnt be for separate rooms. I use to love waking up beside my wife. I would get ready for work without waking her. I give her a kiss and wisper an I love you, and felt good facing the day. That hasnt happened in a long time, and I really really miss it.

I still sleep on one side of the bed too, even though I now have it all to myself

I had a boss once who had separate rooms with his wife. She would wake up early EVERYDAY and make him a real breakfast, wake him when it was ready and see him off to work. I was always surprised that she was Ok with that, but I guess it worked for them too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> I myself am a weapon in bed. Watch out for flying limbs..lol. I snore and stop breathing and instead a dealing with my problems in my waking life, I just yell at them in my sleep.


ah yes my H does that too- the snoring, flying limbs, talking in his sleep, etc. sometimes i have to go on the couch because im just too tired. but ya, im with you, i wouldnt want permanent separate rooms. im sorry about your situation


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I would love to have separate rooms from my husband. Our sleep schedules are so different, and we can't stand each other's messes. We even went so far as seriously consider buying separate houses, maybe a twin double duplex, just to resolve the housekeeping issues in our marriage. Selfishly, I think it would have been nice to be free, but I would feel we weren't a happily married couple if we divided everything. It would also look weird to the kids.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

*I had a boss once who had separate rooms with his wife. She would wake up early EVERYDAY and make him a real breakfast, wake him when it was ready and see him off to work. I was always surprised that she was Ok with that, but I guess it worked for them too. *

My Mom's ex's Mother did the above everyday until her hubby was diagnosed w/alzheimers (please excuse my gross mispelling of the word). So she did it until he could no longer get up and eat it anymore. I thought it was awesome. Now they didn't have separate bedrooms. But she did the breakfast thing. EVERY morning 7 days a week. We're talking eggs sausage biscuits the works. I think she liked it and I thought it was very loving because she "wanted" to, it was never expected. :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rhea said:


> But she did the breakfast thing. EVERY morning 7 days a week. We're talking eggs sausage biscuits the works.


Ive thought about doing this, too. im just really not a morning person. i make him dinner every night, but i know he'd love it if i made him breakfast.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

i tried the separate bed thing too, didnt work for me. he just learned to sleep with out me there and i was the one suffering. 

i guess it just matters on what you think of it and maybe you should put a time period on it. I personally cant go to sleep unless he is in bed with me, even if i am so mad at him i dont want to look at him or touch him, he has to be in bed or i will never go to sleep. But on the other hand, he can sleep if i am there or not. doesnt bother him a bit if i sleep somewhere else, or if i am tossing and turning {or crying for that matter} right next to him. he just rolls over on his side and falls asleep.

i believe it could work if all the parties agree to it or come to some kind of agreement, or rules or something. SOme marriages have been better because of separate beds or bedrooms {mostly due to odd bedmanners or health issues}, some marriages are distroyed by it. 

So be careful, talk to your wife {she already said she was emotionally detached, do you really want to give her to opportunity to become physically detached also?(just my opinion)} and make sure you have some kind of plan for the future and what kind of results you are looking for or hoping to achieve by this.


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