# Well the talk didn't go well.



## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

:crying:

He approached me and asked me when we were ever going to talk about this "thing" and I told him that his last text to me said he only wanted to hear from me if the talk "would lead to positive actions on my part" and I said "it may not go in the direction you feel is positive." It all went downhill and to crap after that. H has a LOT of anger issues. He got enraged and told me the longer I sleep in the other room the more "irreversible" this marriage becomes. Then he started twisting everything I said and said I was "fine" with ruining the kids and him and starting bullying me and so I left the room.

I said I would talk to him when he can talk civilly but he said, "this is it! This is what you will get! Stop being a baby and deal with it." Later when one of our kids had to go somewhere I asked who was taking them and he said to get out of his face he's not talking to me. I said that wasn't productive and he said FU. My dog tried to jump up on him (she always does to play with him) and he punched her :crying: I said to never hit my dog again and he just said to keep her away from him. 

I've been crying ever since and my kids have been coming in my room one by one trying to comfort me which I hate because they should NOT have to see me like this OR carry this burden! 

I guess I will see about a lawyer - maybe a pro-bono lawyer tomorrow. This sucks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He punched a dog? Report his sorry ass to the Humane Society or whichever agency handles cases of animal abuse in your area. It's only a matter of time before he punches you or one of the kids. Stop crying and take control of this situation.


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## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

I am talking 25 years of marriage with no physical harm ever done and I have three kids. I have no financial control whatsoever. I cannot just report him to animal control. This situation has to be dealt with delicately. I have feelings and crying is one of them.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Punching the dog would be an immediate deal breaker for me. Wtf does that? You need to get OUT of this situation. 


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## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

It IS the deal breaker for me. I contacted an attorney (well at least emailed them) to hopefully meet this week. I was hoping to hold off and save more money, but this is a powder keg, I can feel it.


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

I am sorry for you. I am going through a similar situation with my husband but he is refusing to talk to me. I have given up it's been since Wednesday. I would never hurt my dog or bring his kids into it. I am frustrated though as I feel he is acting like a an immature little baby. I do know how your husband feels about resolution. I feel the longer this goes the hard it will be to repair. My thoughts are with you.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Sorry you are going through this experience. You need to remind yourself that you need to be strong so that you can help yourself as well as your kids get through this. Your kids are looking up to you and observing how you manage an extremely difficult situation, especially that their dad is not managing well the situation and demonstrating a lot of uncontrollable behavior due to his anger issues. 

If you promise yourself to be strong, you'll be able to find a job and start the separation process while keeping yourself composed for the sake of your children. I know, it's hard to go through a divorce, but some things are beyond our control. We try to control whatever is within our means. Focus on getting through this with the minimum damage possible for you and the children. 

Good luck and stay strong. Thinking about you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am sick to my stomach that he punched your dog. You said he has alot of anger issues - and that is crystal clear by his punching the dog. 

Look, you have got to move as quickly as possible with the D. Keep up the search for a lawyer. Use or get a credit card if you have to. Your H is becoming unhinged right before your eyes. 25 years of a violence-free marriage does not mean that it can't start now. He knows you are serious and he might be thinking that all bets are off. The fact that he punched your dog shows that he is losing control.

I realize it will be a financial hardship for you initially, but that's what temporary court orders are for - most likely, the judge will order your husband to pay maintenance for you and the children until permanent orders are put in place. Act swiftly now. 

I'm sorry you are here.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

The very least you can do is get that dog into a safe environment. I am sick to my stomach that you haven't done that yet. That is cruel.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

First. my heart breaks that you are having to endure this.

That said, if you stay after all of this, you are a VOLUNTEER for his abuse. It's time - past time - to DO. Not talk. Not "plan."

DO


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## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

The dog is in with me at all times - she sleeps with me or is with one of my children. She is safe.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you can't afford a lawyer you can file without one. Lots of courts have self help sections that will talk you through it. I'd recommend calling the court and asking what resources they have for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are you safe?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Not only a lawyer but get a restraining order at the police station. If he threatens you, dial 911 and report domestic abuse. Kick him out of the house for the protection of you, your kids and your dog. Do not be his punching bag, emotional or physical. Many women are doing just fine raising kids without a husband.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

What is the "thing" you guys were going to talk about. Be frank. What is the history that I am missing here...

You stated that he has been 25 years of marriage and with kids. Then this is the first outburst? You were buying time to exit the marriage after you got some cash together?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Nevermind...I read the other threads and get the jist of it...

He is angry and controlling and you want out. But you felt this way for a long time and are just trying to get some cash together for the retainer fee....Got it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In your other thread, people advised you to see a lawyer, get your legal and financial ducks in a row and start working on the paperwork. 

They advised that you would not be able to "talk" him into cooperation and compliance with your divorce wishes. 

This was all good advice. 

Yes, it would be nice if he agreed to divorce and agreed to all your terms and wishes and it would be nice if he cooperatively opened up his check book and paid for all of the lawyer fees and court costs and paid you all the childsupport and spousal support you want without a fuss. 

Yep, that would be nice. 

But he doesn't have to do any of that if he doesn't want to. 

However, you also do not need his consent and cooperation to divorce. It will be more challenging and you will need to be more prepared and organized but it can be done with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way. 

If you want this divorce, you are simply going to have to do it. You can't talk your way through it and you cannot rely on getting his cooperation and buy-in. You are going to have to just do it.


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## keepittogether (Jun 8, 2018)

I saw two lawyers so far. The first gave me generalities about equitable distribution, etc. The second gave me real life. I mean a kick in the a$#.

Here's the thing - if I file we will be forced to sell the house which we only recently purchased (his name is on the loan, both our names on the deed). I live in a very high cost of living state and would be forced into some kind of small place that I know won't fit me and the kids (I have more kids than I mentioned for anonymity's sake). As the lawyer said, "Where would you go?" I can't buy him out being on disability even with alimony and child support.

And the kicker? He's an alcoholic (I might have mentioned that) who has been sober for two years after our last in-house separation due to an alcoholic binge. When I told him the marriage was not repairable - he came home from work with beer and hard liquor. The kids are upset, confused and I am basically *screwed!* 

I feel so alone and backed into a corner.


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## sadandlonely5 (Jan 5, 2018)

You have to do what is best for your kids and for you. I’m glad the lawyer was honest, and it might be tough, but I’m positive your kids would rather share bedrooms and live in a smaller place than live any longer in a toxic environment, or with a father who punches their dog and might someday do something emotional or physical to them. 

It will be tough. But don’t stay. That is far worse. Reach out to friends and family, write down an actual plan, and just do it. You will never have enough money to leave and it will never be a right time. Things will only get worse at home. You can sell the house now while the market is doing well, or you could wait and wind up selling it down the road at a loss. 

Stop playing the victim in your head and take control. So many people (usually women, but not always) stay because of fear and learned helplessness. Do you want to teach this to your children? There are many single mothers out there who have left bad situations, and they persevere, and they teach important lessons to their children. If you stay, not only will you be miserable, but you will be potentially keeping your children stuck in lifetime cycle the same that you are living now. 

Children learn more by example than words or what is taught in school. Teach your children to be strong and not put up with sh*t by leaving and not putting up with sh*t. It’s the hardest times that makes us the strongest. Failure is the where we learn, and every successful person has learned more and grown more from their failures and struggles. It sounds cliche, but it absolutely isn’t. You are much stronger than you think you are.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

keepittogether said:


> I saw two lawyers so far. The first gave me generalities about equitable distribution, etc. The second gave me real life. I mean a kick in the a$#.
> 
> Here's the thing - if I file we will be forced to sell the house which we only recently purchased (his name is on the loan, both our names on the deed). I live in a very high cost of living state and would be forced into some kind of small place that I know won't fit me and the kids (I have more kids than I mentioned for anonymity's sake). As the lawyer said, "Where would you go?" I can't buy him out being on disability even with alimony and child support.
> 
> ...


No youre NOT screwed. HE isn't in control of your life, YOU are. Stop with the defeatist attitude, or stay where you are and be miserable forever.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

keepittogether said:


> I saw two lawyers so far. The first gave me generalities about equitable distribution, etc. The second gave me real life. I mean a kick in the a$#.
> 
> Here's the thing - if I file we will be forced to sell the house which we only recently purchased (his name is on the loan, both our names on the deed). I live in a very high cost of living state and would be forced into some kind of small place that I know won't fit me and the kids (I have more kids than I mentioned for anonymity's sake). As the lawyer said, "Where would you go?" I can't buy him out being on disability even with alimony and child support.
> 
> ...


He is NOT in control, start working on taking back your power. Do you go to Al-Anon and your kids Al-Ateen, this is essential to deal with the trauma of being with an alcoholic whether dry or not. Do that first. You will meet others who understand what you are going through, who will help you to make good decisions for yourself and your family.
Start squirrelling away money every week, do you have a job? Get a part time job, anything, lie low for a bit.
His bringing home beer is a way of trying to bully you and control you into submission, the typical tactics of a bullying alcoholic though some say take away the alcohol, you will still have a bully. Don't fight with him, argue with him, just do what you have to do. This may take time but so be it. Do not let him know what you are up to.
If you leave him, he may well become a full blown alcoholic and you get no percentage of nothing, you have to think long term. What are the ages of your kids?


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