# Making New Guy Friends at 48



## JimInCT (Feb 5, 2014)

... without seeming creepy.

This is going to sound a little pathetic, I think. I've been married for 21 years, 3 kids (14,17,19) and don't really have any close friends. Friends from HS and college drifted away (mostly because of distance). The past 20 years has really been dedicated to work and family. In past years, my social has been related to my kids and wife's stuff - parents of kids' friends etc. As they got older, these social contacts have been less and less.

My marriage has had some problems and I think this has highlighted my lack of friends - and I think having more social time outside the house, might actually be better for the marriage.

I also switched careers - to teaching. So, I'm the new guy on the block. The other men who work in the building have known each other for at least 10+ years - they've been cool, but can't see me becoming best buddies real soon. And of course all the other 'new kids on the block' are all 20 somethings - and women (and a couple gay guys.)

I do have a few friends (and I've always been the type of person with a few good friends - not the one whose phone is constantly buzzing with txts). I'm just wondering how to reach beyond that.

(I'm thinking this is a creepy post . . . but here goes).

Oh, I went to craigslist - strictly platonic. Maybe it's me - guys posting pics of themselves in underwear doesn't strike me as platonic.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hobbies? Try meetup(dot)com for various hobby stuff and things like hikes or even men's groups... There's also the local chamber of commerce, lion's club, optimist club, toast masters, etc. Volunteer stuff too like habitat for humanity, your local library, and so forth.

Basically just get out there and get active in the community. Re-learn how to chit-chat.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Inquire about local activities from your peers/colleagues. 

Find a sport. Keep in mind at our age, I'm 48 too, sport is relative, me and a buddy were going to get involved in a curling league, yeah ... that curling. Shuffleboard on ice.

Bowling, indoor/outdoor soccer, softball, darts, billiards, rock climbing, kayaking, paintball, flower arranging ... 

Start a fitness/weight loss pool.

Interests, I don't care if you are into muscle cars or orchids, odds are there are others around you that share it.

I can give you hundreds of suggestions for where and how to strike up new interactions and potential friendships, but here is the bottom line;

You need to be willing to step out of your cushy, self built comfort zone and do it.
You need to reach out to people, take a risk, be able to read the interactions that are worth fostering and those that aren't.

If you can find something you are passionate about, and find others that share that passion, that is almost always a great vehicle for forging new relationships.

If you don't feel competent socially, then learn it.

Pick up some books. Attend a seminar.

How To Win Friends and Influence People

How To Talk To Anyone

Body Language

Just some suggestions.

Your question isn't creepy. Guys looking for friends on Craigslist aren't going to be the kinds of friendship you want to foster.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I have had a loss of friends mainly due to my wife's infidelity, we made changes in our lifestyle (used to see a group of friends 6 or 10 almost every weekend) including 3 very good friends of mine, I guess I haven't really lost them as much as we just don't hang out any longer and I don't think that will change. Most of them know our situation and while I don't think they hold it against her we both feel a little strange at times around them hence the reason we have stayed away.
And it is tough I am a pretty outgoing person but with work and kids the social activities are mostly my wife and I, we may see friends once a month or so.
I have thought about joining some county sports leagues(most teams are made up of groups of buddies) maybe a pool league or some other type of individual sport, volunteering may be something good not sure the search continues.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Volunteer your services at your church or kids' school. I for years, acted as a volunteer at our church parish and met a lot of great friends. Everything from helping to officiate soccer and B-ball games, chaperoning kids events, bar-tending at fund raisers to serving as president of one the school committees for 5 years. Meetings generally ended at the pub/restaurant across the street which lead to other activities such as getting invited to join in on poker, pool or golf groups.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Amplexor said:


> Volunteer your services at your church or kids' school. I for years, acted as a volunteer at our church parish and met a lot of great friends. Everything from helping to officiate soccer and B-ball games, chaperoning kids events, bar-tending at fund raisers to serving as president of one the school committees for 5 years. Meetings generally ended at the pub/restaurant across the street which lead to other activities such as getting invited to join in on poker, pool or golf groups.


I was thinking a more narrowly, but on the poker front. The ages suggest at least one of your kids is still in school. Volunteer to host a poker buy-in party as a PTA fundraiser. (It kind of means you have to know how to play poker, and enjoy it, and of course there is drinking. I'm assuming you don't teach at your kids' school, which may complicate things, but can be managed).

I see my "friends" at poker parties (after the PTA one, others often offer to host another one), or we gather at a bar to watch key sporting events. I don't talk with them about the "challenges of life, "but on occasion, it is good to have someone who knows about office politics, career dreams and disappointments, child raising challenges, trouble with aging parents, or grief when they die. 

New England is typically well-represented in Olympic hockey. Hell, invite the gay guys (and at least one other not gay guy! Don't want to start the rumor mill churning) to meet you for USA-Russia, or watch it at your house, whenever it's replayed in prime time. Add your good friends to the list, and see what happens. 

Tell the 20-somethings about the good old days, like 1980, when we hated the Russians (they were called the Soviets back then, you know.)


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## JimInCT (Feb 5, 2014)

Hey . . .

Thanks for the great feedback. (Sort of) glad I'm not the only one feeling this way. I am involved in church, done Habitat (although I should get myself there more frequently). I think part of my problem is that I'm still feeling like I need to be around home, for my family. But then when I am, everyone is doing their own thing (which is how it should be). Maybe I just need a fire under my ass and get going.

Speaking of having people over, my wife is one of those people that can't just have a couple people over without making it an event-of-the-century. She sort of has a way of planning the fun out of most everything. BUt that's a whole different thread I think.

Let's keep it to ideas to get out there.

NTS - I think your question is fine for here.


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## JimInCT (Feb 5, 2014)

Thanks for the replies. very helpful.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

JimInCT, I was in the same boat you were in four years ago when I was 48. I lost touch with a lot of my long time friends and several others were just busy with life. Like the others suggest, I got involved with a sport and met people who became close friends. Now my best friend is one of those and he is 20 years younger than me. 

I also am involved with service projects through the Boy Scouts and Venturers and this has exposed me to many new guys to be friends with.

Also as the years went by I started to reconnect with some of my long term friends and have traveled back to my hometown and sought them out. It's hard to do but there is nothing like mutual interest to ignite or reignite a dfrendship. If I (I'm actually fairly shy) can do it so can you.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Deejo said:


> If you can find something you are passionate about, and find others that share that passion, that is almost always a great vehicle for forging new relationships.



IMHO this is great advice whether you are a happily married person looking for friends with whom to socialize or for single person looking for a LTR. 

Spend time with people who share your loves / passions / hobbies / interests.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Good advice and suggestions given. Love the mention of flowers.

Interests, hobbies and sharing a goal (such as with Habitat), can certainly help form friendships. 

I wouldn't expect that to be the outcome, but if it occurs organically, then that's wonderful. One book-club I joined was hosted by the local book store. Hubs and I had just moved to that area. I saw their flier and inquired. Quickly read their current book and went. I was the youngest of the small group. They were about 30 years older than me, men and women. Loved hearing their thoughts and reading books that I wouldn't have otherwise gravitated towards. Each meeting we brought wine and snacks to share. I didn't develop friendships with them beyond the book-club... but it was a nice thing to be part of.

Ikebana flower arranging. I was paired with another woman. Saturday mornings, flowers and green tea, attempting to master the skill together amongst some laughs and conversation, saw us swapping numbers as we reached the end of term. Ikebana requires precision and a measured approach. In other words, it wasn't my style. But precision and a measured approach is exactly what my husband enjoys about archery. Just try out some different things, meet a variety of people... and then allow for friendships to occur naturally. 

The first thing is to simply say yes. Be open.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I can relate. Not only am I close to your age and have been focusing on career and family forever, I'm in the midst of divorce and a lot of our friends know about the troubles over the past few years. So we don't get invited to hang out much anymore. I think it makes married couples uncomfortable.

What the others said seems to be the key. You have to put yourself out there. Church groups, volunteer, etc. I decided that this year I'm going to do more "manly" things that I've foregone since I had kids. Fishing, shooting, stuff like that. Just to feel like a man again. Because I won't ever be helped to feel that way by my wife so it's all up to me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm 60 now but up until I was about 50 I played pick-up basketball and hockey.

Key for me was going to a fairly large gym that had basketball courts. Guys formed a league and I joined. I also got on teams through guys I worked with.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

If you have a hobby it's easy fishing, huntin, cars, guns, working out, just get involved you will make friends. If you mean just dudes to hang with, drink a beer, that may be different.

I'm a few years younger than you and haven't gone to hang out with a guy in probably 15 years not even once!! My wife says I'm going to die a lonely man my retort is "I have the best conversations with myself!! I like the answers I get!"

My life is my wife and kids other than that I'm fine being solo


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

JimInCT...

I am 40, and on my way to where you are. It does not help that I have bare minimum social skills, coupled with bit of social anxiety on top of being an Introvert. My life is too heavily focused on kids, family and work & studies. I don't have a single guy friend. I had many friends, when I was 30. It feels like my social skills have regressed over the years. Since then I moved to a new area and have been an abysmal failure in creating any new friends

Last few years, I tried real hard to make new friends, I hung out with people after work, Became very active in church, yet not even one new friend. For a while I was very depressed about this. I felt like a failure. Now I have given up the pursuit of friends and life's been very peaceful since then.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

men seem to have less capacity/ need for lasting freindships. Sure there are exceptions. I don't pursue freinships the way i should or want to. Studies show this is not healthy. Better to have friends. Makes you a better dad, hubby etc. 

At 48 i am struggling with appropriate venues.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> men seem to have less capacity/ need for lasting freindships. Sure there are exceptions. I don't pursue freinships the way i should or want to. Studies show this is not healthy. Better to have friends. Makes you a better dad, hubby etc.
> 
> At 48 i am struggling with appropriate venues.



I do not think that men have less need of friends more that on average we do not need as many or we class people we know differently to the way women do.

For example my wife refers to many of the other mums see knows from the school run as "friends" along with the other students on the part time college course she is taking and many of our neighbors are her friends.

I know that I have many acquaintances, co workers, neighbors, fellow volunteers. We are friendly / helpful to each other but we are not true friends. Many of these people I class as “Mates” we know each other, do each other’s favors or jobs at “mate’s rates”, meet up for a drink / bite to eat etc.

You only get a few “true friends” in a life time, people you can go a year (or more) without seeing but KNOW that they would still do anything they could to help you if you needed it and you feel the same way about them.


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## Dannie1348 (Nov 17, 2011)

Your not alone worked 35 yrs ha had friends at work . Had friends retire moved to other states . We retired on the road traveling 6 yrs had friend for short time we new them no the felling now we have a home and looking for long term friends hang in there it will happen .


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Louie CK did a bit on this - making new friends at 42. Funny stuff.

I establish all of my friends through the music industry. My buddies are my bandmates.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Pay attention to cues that other people might like something you like, and bring those things up in conversation - particularly if you see a person often.

I take my kids to a "build and learn" thing at Lowes, the home improvement store whenever they hold one. I noticed one of the other dads was wearing an Alpinestars t-shirt and asked him if he rides (alpinestars is a maker of clothes and auto/moto safety gear... leather jackets, boots, gloves etc). He said he did, and I said we should ride sometime... I'm always on the looking for riding buddies. He was cool, we talked about bikes for bit and before I left I asked for his number... just a simple "Hey, hook me up with your number and I'll give you a holler next time I'm heading out." Its that easy. The same can be done for golf, fishing, hunting, and most other hobbies. I also evangelize my hobbies with people I know casually. ie - I tried to get my bartender who I know works out to sign up for Spartan race and run it with me.

I've made drinking buddies playing softball. You just announce that you think its time for a beer and nachos and when others agree, you just name a place and people will usually go. The key is to be decisive otherwise people tend to flake out. To make friends, you have to lead... and I think this is where most people go wrong. YOU have to clue them in that you're doing something and you want them to come. Only by spending some time with a person can a friendship actually develop.


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