# Is this infidelity?



## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

I'll try to keep it short. My husband and I just got married about 8 months ago. He is a super friendly guy and everyone likes him, including my family and friends. He has been trying to set up one of my friends (who lives out of town) and one of his friends. Because my friend does not live in town and his friend is pretty immature and not looking for a relationship, the set-up was sort of a long running joke. My husband, his friend, and my friend all had a group text message that was pretty innocent, at least I thought, until my friend came in town for the holidays and told me (after quite a few drinks) that my husband was saying innapropriate things in the group message and she felt uncomfortable. She said he was saying things like "send us tit-pics", and when another friend got brought up in the message he replied by saying "I would never f*** her, not for a million dollars" (they were talking about her in that context). I was furious. I confronted him and told him that he was crossing the line, he has a problem with taking things too far, and that he was making my friend uncomfortable. I also told him it was disrespectful to me as his wife and that he needs to stop now.

Of course the picture text made me mad, but also him saying he would never sleep with this other friend confused me. Obviously he would never sleep with her because he's married to me.


When i confronted him, he said his words were taken out of context and that he was quoting a movie. He says I come down on him too hard for things. 

The last part of this is, the next day my friend texted both me and him separately saying she was sorry and that she hoped she didn't cause any drama between the two of us and that she loved us both.

Can someone please tell me - am I overreacting? I was pretty disgusted at first, but I am trying to look at this from a different perspective now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No, you're not overreacting at all. And, while it may not qualify as infidelity per se, your husband clearly has some very serious boundary issues.

Geez... what a dumb f*ck.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

I thought so too. I still don't know what to think of it. He said the text was meant for her to send a pic to his friend privately and that he would never want to see that. I said I didn't care and I'm still pissed.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

Sounds like he's trying to be one of the "dudes". How old is he?


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

He is 28


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think the worst was the comment about 'send the pics'.

When a guy says something like, "I would never fluck her!" He means he isn't sexually attracted to her. Just like if the woman is very sexy he might say "I would definitely jump that". 

When a guy is married, it is implied that he means "if he wasn't married".


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

That's true. But I'm still disgusted by the entire situation. It's pretty scary that he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I'm not sure what to do next.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

blondie88 said:


> It's pretty scary that he doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. I'm not sure what to do next.



He doesn't know or understand what you consider as right or wrong. These are social or religious norms and morals that one imparts upon themselves. 

You need to talk and set boundaries so that you each know what you are willing to accept and not accept. What are the breaking points and boundaries not to be crossed and what consequences are to be enacted when they are. That is your best route now. It seems you haven't really discussed this and it would behoove you to do so quickly at this early in a M if it is to survive.

You also need to know that some things you may do are just as unacceptable and disgusting to him, such as discussing sex and interpersonal relationship things with your girlfriends. You might not think a thing about it, as this is the norm for lots of women and something they have done all their lives, but know it is something that he may not agree with as well.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

I told him it was completely innapropriate and disrespectful to me. His reaction was I'm sorry for disrespecting you but I don't feel that I did anything wrong. He kept pressing that my friend was over exaggerating and taking his words out of context.

Also, my friend texted him later telling him he wasn't being innapropriate and that she didn't know why I was so upset. I'm not sure why she would tell me all that, then say nevermind.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Sounds like your "friend" (using that term loosely here) is trying to start something. He should know that any contact like that is inappropriate. You need to sit down and fully discuss this with him and get out both of your boundaries.


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## blondie88 (Aug 4, 2014)

Yeah, I think I'm equally as mad at her. She was also being pretty innapropriate in the group text and never once indicated that she felt uncomfortable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blondie88 said:


> I told him it was completely innapropriate and disrespectful to me. His reaction was I'm sorry for disrespecting you but I don't feel that I did anything wrong. He kept pressing that my friend was over exaggerating and taking his words out of context.
> 
> Also, my friend texted him later telling him he wasn't being innapropriate and that she didn't know why I was so upset. I'm not sure why she would tell me all that, then say nevermind.


Your husband pressed another woman for pics of her breasts... how can this _possibly_ be seen as anything *BUT* inappropriate by any reasonably sane person?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

blondie88 said:


> I'll try to keep it short. My husband and I just got married about 8 months ago. He is a super friendly guy and everyone likes him, including my family and friends. He has been trying to set up one of my friends (who lives out of town) and one of his friends. Because my friend does not live in town and his friend is pretty immature and not looking for a relationship, the set-up was sort of a long running joke. My husband, his friend, and my friend all had a group text message that was pretty innocent, at least I thought, until my friend came in town for the holidays and told me (after quite a few drinks) that my husband was saying innapropriate things in the group message and she felt uncomfortable. She said he was saying things like "send us tit-pics", and when another friend got brought up in the message he replied by saying "I would never f*** her, not for a million dollars" (they were talking about her in that context). I was furious. I confronted him and told him that he was crossing the line, he has a problem with taking things too far, and that he was making my friend uncomfortable. I also told him it was disrespectful to me as his wife and that he needs to stop now.
> 
> Of course the picture text made me mad, but also him saying he would never sleep with this other friend confused me. Obviously he would never sleep with her because he's married to me.
> 
> ...


While there may be some maturity issues here, and yes he's only 28, the question you need to ask yourself regarding infidelity is if he was cheating on you, planning on cheating on you, or setting up an issue where he was playing on his attraction to another woman.

If not, he wasn't cheating, there's no infidelity and you have nothing to worry about.

Now if you don't like what he was doing and you have a problem with his behavior, then talk to him about it. However, I don't see anything damaging. It's guys talk. It's wrong but wow, with som eof the stories here, it is nothing that a simple talk coulnd't resolve. Just stand your ground and tell him to stop.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

blondie88 said:


> Can someone please tell me - am I overreacting?


I don't think so. I'd be pissed.

What do you think he'd say if you texted another man and told him you want pictures of his scrumptious d!ck?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Your husband pressed another woman for pics of her breasts... how can this _possibly_ be seen as anything *BUT* inappropriate by any reasonably sane person?


WAIT, Wait, wait a minute Gus, hold on there..............

...... NOPE i got nothing

You are right again


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

blondie88 said:


> He is 28


Going on 17. 

You have every right to be utterly and completely pissed for the asking of tit-pics. Getting others involved in the messaging as well as being a general ass to you and your friend. I'm surprised you friend still came to town. Your jackwagon H has a lot of ground to cover in making this right between you and him. And most of all your friend.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My H joked around the same way with a friend of ours. Even asking her if she would massage his boobs when he had a sunburn. We argued meany times about them crossing the line. He claimed they were just joking & I was over reacting. Then I found out that they had started an affair. I say if it makes you uncomfortable then go with your gut. I wish I had..


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

blondie88 said:


> I told him it was completely innapropriate and disrespectful to me. His reaction was I'm sorry for disrespecting you but I don't feel that I did anything wrong. He kept pressing that my friend was over exaggerating and taking his words out of context. *What would your friend gain by taking your H words out of context and exaggerating? Not a damn thing. Your H was caught dead to rights and squirming.*
> 
> Also, my friend texted him later telling him he wasn't being innapropriate and that she didn't know why I was so upset. I'm not sure why she would tell me all that, then say nevermind. *Why did your friend not ask you why you are upset? *


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> WAIT, Wait, wait a minute Gus, hold on there..............
> 
> ...... NOPE i got nothing
> 
> *You are right again*


The world would be a much better place if more people would just relent and accept this as fact.

:smthumbup:


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would posit a reason for your H's behavior but not an excuse. As society evolves and matures there should be more and more signs of advancement and growth as the members interact and come to understand how society works through these interactions. Society being described as a collective of individuals living together and interacting as one would in a family.

Enter technology. In the past, people's interactions were limited to the sphere of "reachable" people in their area. Then, with the invention of mail, the telegraph and the telephone those interactions grew both in number and in frequency but were still limited in how and when they could be enacted because of physical(phone cords), financial(long distance charges) and other conditions(party line unavailable, etc.).

Society struggled with these "improvements" and many additional problems surfaced due to this "new and improved" method of networking. And this brings us here to the 21st century. Social interaction has almost no boundaries regarding time and distance and is now virtually unlimited. The problem is that in order to fully utilize this new technology we must first understand all of its ramifications.

Self imposed safeguards to replace the limitations of the old technology have to be learned and implemented as the technology develops. The problem lies in the fact that we cannot develop and mature as fast as the technology is changing. It is offering us opportunities that we are too immature to know how to handle. 

In bygone days, a thought could only be expressed after writing and sending a letter or telegraph, or finding a phone, dialing a number and getting an answer. All of these things created a time lag between thought and expression, a buffer zone, if you will. It also meant that only thoughts of some importance would be expressed since it required effort to express it.

We now however have the ability to interact instantly to the point that a thought can be relayed within seconds of its origination. This greatly reduced lag time between thought and expression and relative ease with which it can be done coupled with our inability to "buffer" our responses is proving problematic. We can now express a thought, no matter how childish, hurtful, inappropriate or what have you, before we even have time to analyze it for content and consequence. And we can now do this with anyone on the planet with similar technology, anywhere.

Our minds simply are not ready for others to share our thoughts, which is almost what this technology equates to. Far too much advancement, far too quickly, for our minds to keep up with and be able to use harmlessly.


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## pilotranger (Oct 7, 2013)

blondie88 said:


> I'll try to keep it short. My husband and I just got married about 8 months ago. He is a super friendly guy and everyone likes him, including my family and friends. He has been trying to set up one of my friends (who lives out of town) and one of his friends. Because my friend does not live in town and his friend is pretty immature and not looking for a relationship, the set-up was sort of a long running joke. My husband, his friend, and my friend all had a group text message that was pretty innocent, at least I thought, until my friend came in town for the holidays and told me (after quite a few drinks) that my husband was saying innapropriate things in the group message and she felt uncomfortable. She said he was saying things like "send us tit-pics", and when another friend got brought up in the message he replied by saying "I would never f*** her, not for a million dollars" (they were talking about her in that context). I was furious. I confronted him and told him that he was crossing the line, he has a problem with taking things too far, and that he was making my friend uncomfortable. I also told him it was disrespectful to me as his wife and that he needs to stop now.
> 
> Of course the picture text made me mad, but also him saying he would never sleep with this other friend confused me. Obviously he would never sleep with her because he's married to me.
> 
> ...


Blondie88,

I am going through hell right now because I found evidence of my wife having an affair for the last two (or more?) years. Though your situation is very different from mine, I can tell from experience that if I'm a little suspicious of something, it's not because I'm overreacting. It's a "gut" feeling and my intuition kicks in. I had the same feeling you have now about two years ago, but I did not dig deeper. I let it go thinking it was nothing.

My advice to you - keep a low profile, monitor his activities, trust but verify and look for patterns.


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## pilotranger (Oct 7, 2013)

blondie88 said:


> I thought so too. I still don't know what to think of it. He said the text was meant for her to send a pic to his friend privately and that he would never want to see that. I said I didn't care and I'm still pissed.


Check the cell phone bills to see any texts between your husband and your friend. Lots of messages back and forth, look for patterns and inconsistencies.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

convert said:


> WAIT, Wait, wait a minute Gus, hold on there..............
> 
> ...... NOPE i got nothing
> 
> You are right again





GusPolinski said:


> The world would be a much better place if more people would just relent and accept this as fact.
> 
> :smthumbup:


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