# Wife came home drunk again



## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

So my wife got home at 9:45pm last Wednesday drunk. Wednesday is her day off. She's been good telling me when she is going to be late. Not this time. She called me in the afternoon, I guess to tell me she was going to be late, but I wasn't at my desk and didn't notice her call on my cell. At 9:45 she gets home drunk she denies it but please anyone can tell. I ask her where she was and that she can not be drinking. She doesn't want to tell me where she was and that she will drink whenever she wants to. (When I looked at her phone that day I could tell she was at her friends place and the next day she confirmed it was her friends birthday. It's on the other side of the city I don't know how she managed the drive without getting stopped.)

I grab her phone to find out where she has been. she grabs mine and calls the cops. The cops talk to her for about 2 min then call me over and talk to me for about 20. 1 female and 4 male cops basically tell me to really figure out what I want to do. And just by them being there i have 1 foot in jail and a criminal record. If my wife goes to the yard drunk falls and calls them - I'm going to jail. 

The female cop tells me thank God you guys don't have kids. Let her sleep it off stay in separate rooms and keep your door locked. Another one tells me sometimes what we want is not for the best. I recount some of the stuff that's happened to me (check my other thread). How when she loses control I just grab her and hold her. The cops like "yea hows that working out for you?" They were really frank and really opened my eyes - I appreciate the time they took.

Since then we've been sleeping in separate rooms. I keep my door locked. One night she knocked on the door asking to let her in that she's never going to drink again. I didn't open. I've been avoiding her as much as possible but last night I forgot to lock the door she came in and slept on her side of the bed. Today she was talking loudly with her mom about how she wishes I would stop acting this way. To her it's like nothing happened and I'm eventually going to go back to normal. Its just been really awkward as we even had to go grocery shopping together. 



Questions:

I'm seeing an attorney this week. Any one ever hear of "divorce without war"? They are a franchise of mediation attorneys.

How do people handle this weird separate but living together mess?

I'm not sure about divorce but I do want to talk with an attorney and get the papers? Is that how it works? The attorney gives you divorce papers that you then give to your spouse to sign? Is there an expiration on these papers? Can / Should I say look I'm going to give you one more chance but if you don't shape up I'm going to file these?


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

You are juggling a running chain saw with a flaming torch and a stick of dynamite. Get out fast before this crazy b!tch sends you to jail. See a civil/divorce Atty now or a criminal defense lawyer later. Leave the premises. Secure all your finances. Carry a voice and or video recorder with you for any interactions you have to have with her. You are in danger of losing more than your marriage...you are in danger of losing your Liberty.


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## Thomas Quinn (Jun 18, 2016)

VAR is your friend.
Or file and leave.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP look you the two people ahead of posted on how serious this really is you're going to end up with a domestic violence charge. First offense Will be domestic violence misdemeanor. It is the only misdemeanor that does not allow you to own our carry a firearm ever again. yes you heard that right a misdemeanor that prevent you from owning any kind of firearm for the rest of your life.

She is definitely not worth a one second in jail, she doesn't respect you she doesn't treat you like you're her husband. For all you know there could be infidelity involved if you have a discovered yet. If not that's next on her list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pinksapphire (Jun 18, 2016)

I cannot believe 5 Police officers came to the aid of one drunk woman and you could end up with a criminal record because of it.See a lawyer and leave the house with your personal items especially\family heirlooms if you have any and items of sentimental value. The rest the lawyer will help with.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There must be history here that I'm not aware of...because from this post the OP seems controlling and overbearing.

What's the back story OP?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs AA.

You need to be out of there.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I hope you don't own your home and you rent.

I would leave her immediately, just because she called the cops. That alone is a reason to end the marriage. Grab all the money you can out of the bank accounts and disappear.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Pinksapphire said:


> I cannot believe 5 Police officers came to the aid of one drunk woman and you could end up with a criminal record because of it.See a lawyer and leave the house with your personal items especially\family heirlooms if you have any and items of sentimental value. The rest the lawyer will help with.


Either it was a slow night for the officers, or this couple has a history and the cops are very familiar with them and felt several officers were necessary.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes said:


> Either it was a slow night for the officers, or this couple has a history and the cops are very familiar with them and felt several officers were necessary.


Or someone has set up a "Zero Tolerance" policy that calls for Maximum Response to all Domestic Violence calls?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes said:


> Either it was a slow night for the officers, or this couple has a history and the cops are very familiar with them and felt several officers were necessary.


Here you go, from August 2015:

"That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, *she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.
*
Another time we went out to eat and dance she had wine at the restaurant and then more at the bar. Everything was good until I told her no more drinking she agreed and then 3 min later I see her with another one. I* confronted her and she started grimacing like the hulk and stared grabbing at my neck and yelling into my ear. I was just trying to figure out how to get out of there without a show - The bouncers ended up kicking us out. All the way to the car it was her yelling at me and pushing me.* Really, the embarrassment hurts more than her attacks.

The last time was yesterday. We went out to eat. She had 2 glasses of wine. When we left there is a night club on the other side of the parking lot she wanted to look into. I told her no as last time we got kicked out of the bar and I didn't want to go through anything like that again (I would have agreed if she was sober.)

She went in by herself while I waited in the car. Two minutes later she comes out and wants to go for a a walk which I love to do.
But I could tell by her posture and mannerisms that this was going to end in some type of public embarrassment for me so I said no get in the car and when we get home you can go out all you want.
She yelled at me, slammed the car door, and took off walking. This is about 3 miles from home. I drove home.

*She gets home 2 hours later and I told her if she gets physicall I'm going to call the police. She ends up calling them instead!
The cops clearly saw she was intoxicated and mentioned that I should have a talk with her tomorrow about her problem.* I told them this wasn't the first time it happened and we've had talks in the past. Cops said I can't reason with her in this state and they strongly suggest I leave for the night. So I end up having to sleep in a hotel for the night. I didn't tell them that my name is the only one on the lease and that she has an apartment about 2 miles away (still too much of a nice guy)."
@NewBoundariesMan, do not offer her another chance. You yourself stated that you allowed her to cross your boundary SIX times after stating it. Your words mean nothing to her. I am glad you are contacting an attorney, file and be done.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Here you go, from August 2015:
> 
> "That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, *she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.
> *
> ...


If she acts like that in public I can't imagine what it is like behind closed doors. 

OP - how many times have your local cops been called to disputes? Are they familiar with you two?


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

This is the 2nd time they've come. 7 showed up the first time 5 showed up this time. I think it's like a shock and awe tactic. It works believe me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> This is the 2nd time they've come. 7 showed up the first time 5 showed up this time. I think it's like a shock and awe tactic. It works believe me.


No, it doesn't, because she still drinks and abuses you and you are still there.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are an abused husband. Divorce this woman and see a psychologist. You have low self-esteem issues. You need to set your mind in the right direction. You are that close to being put in jail. Stay away from this toxic woman. No good will come out of this marriage!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> This is the 2nd time they've come. 7 showed up the first time 5 showed up this time. I think it's like a shock and awe tactic. It works believe me.



DV Calls are dangerous for police, they show up in numbers like that to protect each other.

Domestic violence calls put officers in more danger than almost any other situation | WWLP.com


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Thanks for the link @kistin2349 I was about to make the same point sans the link. Perhaps it is the complete uncertainty of what is occurring alone that justifies the size of the response.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Here you go, from August 2015:
> 
> "That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, *she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.
> *
> ...


Oh god...yep...end it.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

the cops can't tell you to divorce.....

...but they're trying to do so as much as the law permits them.

run, now, Do not pass Go, Do not go to Jail.

You cannot fix your wife.
She -will- keep doing this behavior until something really bad happens to her (or she gets a new lover who "owns" her). Remember too!!! -you- going to jail, in her eyes, means you are the one at fault !!!!!!!

she might even get annoyed enough to trash your stuff for the inconvenience. 

but sadly police _policy_ is that if a domestic occurs between man and wife/girlfriend - short of her assaulting the cops or being a suicide risk, then _the_law_ (standard operating procedures of the precinct, seen as "best practice", ie not Statute/Act, but still law for the cops) they have to arrest the male in.

and as they pointed out. If you stay and have to restrain your wife or defend yourself - especially after a discussion with attending police - you will be arrested and charged with assault and are likely to end up with a year in prison, as the case gets handled in family courts as domestic violence against a woman, not in criminal, and not as an even hearing. and likely the closest you'll have to real witness are the attending police officers who will have to state that they recommended you not be home that night because of likelihood of violence ...and as the sober party, and the man responsible for your wifes care, you _will_ do time.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Oh man, I wouldn't deal with this. She need AA and you need a divorce.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Pinksapphire said:


> I cannot believe 5 Police officers came to the aid of one drunk woman and you could end up with a criminal record because of it.See a lawyer and leave the house with your personal items especially\family heirlooms if you have any and items of sentimental value. The rest the lawyer will help with.


Welcome to the brave new world of female domination. No, not the BDSM type, the legal type.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Speaking to the lawyer on Thursday.

How do I go about this though? Do I go cloak and dagger and just drop the papers on her lap one day?

The weird part is she's cooking dinner and and going on like nothing has changed. Should I just tell her "everything is not ok we have big problems here" but not let on that I'm filing?

I'm definitely getting the cats out of there the day before I tell her. she already threatened she would kill them. Really that's the only thing i care about her damaging everything else can be replaced. 


Whats the best way to do this? Any advice from those that have filed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Speaking to the lawyer on Thursday.
> 
> How do I go about this though? Do I go cloak and dagger and just drop the papers on her lap one day?
> 
> ...


Protect yourself. At least use a recorder to make a record of what happens.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Speaking to the lawyer on Thursday.
> 
> How do I go about this though? Do I go cloak and dagger and just drop the papers on her lap one day?
> 
> ...


Keep a low profile. She sounds like a lunatic, so you have to pretend everything is normal until you are ready to leave. And I second the notion that you need to secretly record all interactions with her, so if she claims you assaulted her you can prove she is lying. Without that, the police will take you in, not her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

No kids? This is a no brainer. Divorce. Even if you had kids, divorce. I divorced with two young kids, a mortgage, car payment, rv payment, and it was a breeze. You have no IDEA how lucky you are to not have kids. Count your blessings and get professional help... figure out why you are putting up with this crap. You are being abused.

You have the attorney draw up the divorce papers. You get all of your shared credit cards canceled/suspended. You get the money in your shared bank account moved over to a new account. You get any possession in the house you care about out of there. Once all of this is complete, you serve her with the papers in a public place. Make sure you are video recording it with your phone without her knowing. 

The hardest part is accepting the fact your marriage is toxic and to end it. Once you start the divorce process, it's a breeze.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

You need to have a VAR on you from now on when you talk to her about the marriage


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Thanks for all the advice.
I'll probably get the var Saturday if not Friday. 

The lawyer said it will be a little over 2k and 3 weeks to file the papers IF she agrees to the division of assets. And that's the problem I'm currently having. All the advice I've gotten is don't let her know what is happening until you have the papers in your hand. Then give them to her and leave the house for a week. What to do? let her know before hand or keep it quiet until the week of?

I've been keeping a low profile trying not to argue and trying to act normal. We've basically been living separately but sleeping in the same bed. So weird. This morning she tried to give me a good buy kiss before she left to work. I didn't let her. She knows I'm still upset about the police incident. She actually said last night that she couldn't believe I'm still mad about that! She has a habit of telling me that all the bad things she's done are in the past and to stop living in the past and to live in the now. She also called me in the afternoon about making plans for July the 4th weekend. I told her I have to work that Sunday which is the truth thank God because I'm a horrible liar.

We actually talked about divorce the day after the police came. That day she said we can come to an agreement and handle the divorce ourselves downtown. I didn't like this idea. But a couple of days later I brought it up again and she said you get a lawyer and I get a lawyer and you have to pay for my lawyer. That sounded crazy but I checked at work and it's true - I could actually be on the hook for her lawyer! She has been through a divorce before so that is how she probably knows.


Questions:
How to keep from going back to normal while not letting on what I'm doing? I don't want to hold her hand while we walk or give each other good bye kisses in the morning. I feel guilty enough as it is that I'm going to surprise her. It doesn't seem right to do a fake normal then drop this on her.

OR should I just tell her we are not going back to normal? This is the straw that broke the camels back. I'm not going to forgive you for this and we need to move on. It would make me feel better to give her a fare warning so she can get her self together: save $$$ find an apt etc?


I've also been reading this eye opening site:
Shrink4Men ? Helping men break free from abusive relationships since 2009


Thanks.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Thanks for all the advice.
> I'll probably get the var Saturday if not Friday.
> 
> The lawyer said it will be a little over 2k and 3 weeks to file the papers IF she agrees to the division of assets. And that's the problem I'm currently having. All the advice I've gotten is don't let her know what is happening until you have the papers in your hand. Then give them to her and leave the house for a week. What to do? let her know before hand or keep it quiet until the week of?
> ...


In most divorces your lawyer arranges for your wife to be served by either a legal process server or the sheriff's dept. (depending on where you live). Handing the other person the divorce papers especially in a case like yours where the other person is violent and volatile is unusual procedure IMO. You should contact your lawyer and ask about having someone serve your wife when you are not that and have safely moved your important items from the home.

Do not give her advance warning. You trying to play nice guy could end up costing you big time.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

@kristin2349 won't she find out when she sees the withdraw from my checking account? That will be way before the papers are ready.

I'll talk with the lawyer later today and actually retain her. maybe she can start the process and not withdraw until everything is almost done? I doubt it.

I really do not want to move out. We rent the house where we live now. I started renting before marring her and only my name is on the lease. I have to talk to the lawyer about how much time to give her to find a place. maybe I live in a hotel during this time. which sucks.
Also afraid she would trash the place during this time. like the walls or the windows or anything that would have me owe damages to the owners.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> @kristin2349 won't she find out when she sees the withdraw from my checking account? That will be way before the papers are ready.
> 
> I'll talk with the lawyer later today and actually retain her. maybe she can start the process and not withdraw until everything is almost done? I doubt it.
> 
> ...


Its probably a good idea to get with your landlord about what is going on, since YOU are the only one on the lease.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What does your lawyer say about the fact she's so violent? Maybe she can be served somewhere other than your house, and you could have the locks changed at the same time or something and not let her back in ever?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

As someone who had to move out on TWO alcoholic husbands - both now dead - I will tell you what I did to protect myself.

I saw my attorney. I both cases, I waited until both weren't home for the day. I lined up movers who got all my stuff out while the exes were gone. That same day, I took out what was rightfully mine from the bank accounts.

I lived in a state where I could not file for divorce until a one year separation. However, I got a restraining order within three days of leaving the first husband. He had hit me one time too many. I went before the judge and told the truth. What clinched it? My ex had the right to appear in court and dispute the charges. He didn't have the guts to even show.

I also moved, but didn't tell my exes where. I opened a post office box to get my mail. Neither of them knew where I went, which worked just fine by me.

Today I am living a peaceful, meaningful life. I don't have much, as far as material things. Nor do I want much. It was worth every single minute I took planning my exit to cover my bases.

I suggest you do the same. And don't tell her one damn thing before you walk. Alcoholics are volatile, unpredictable people. She doesn't deserve to know your whereabouts. She lost that right when she picked the bottle over you.

Seriously.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> @kristin2349 won't she find out when she sees the withdraw from my checking account? That will be way before the papers are ready.
> 
> I'll talk with the lawyer later today and actually retain her. maybe she can start the process and not withdraw until everything is almost done? I doubt it.
> 
> ...


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

She quit her job yesterday.

Don't know yet how this will affect everything. I haven't filed yet as I was advised to take care of a big debt before filing so I've been negotiating and finally came to an agreement last week. I've been waiting for the paper work to get to me then wait for the check to clear before filing. I'd rather use that money for my own benefit than give up half. hopefully this will all happen within 2 weeks.

I have not mentioned anything about divorce. We actually talked about it once since my first post and she gave me a number she would be happy with if we do divorce but that she didn't want to go that far. But I just don't see away around that. she says she will never do it again but she's already done it twice. same thing with the attacks she said she would never do it again but it's happened multiples times since then. I honestly feel like shes 2 people: drunk wife and cool wife. cool wife promises and drunk wife breaks them.

The weird part is she goes on like everything is ok. I don't want to tip my hand so I go along too. she gives me a peck on the lips when i leave / come home. cooks diner. has tried to get me in the mood - I don't want to be intimate though. We sleep in the same bed - no cuddling on my part. And she wants to go out tonight - I'm not going anywhere. I'll bring up the cops and she can't believe I'm still talking about that. her argument is she needs to call the cops who else is going to defend her? I wasn't attacking her I just wanted to know were my wife was and why she came home drunk. 

My plan is to file in about 3 weeks and give her a check for the magic number and leave while she moves out. 
I have a meeting with the lawyer in 2 weeks to discuss this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good luck and best wishes. Please keep us updated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> She quit her job yesterday.
> 
> Don't know yet how this will affect everything.
> 
> ...


She quit her job because it was interfering with her c0cktail hours, which will now be extended since the job is history.

Remain silent about the divorce. Let your attorney know the wife is now unemployed. That could affect you.

Of course she thinks everything is okay. To her way of thinking, it is. Addiction exists because it is fueled by denial. I lived with this through two disastrous marriages It made me go somewhat crazy to witness the level of denial. It was insane - literally. And I was getting sucked down into it.

My suggestion is you start going to Al-Anon for your own well-being and get the bible of all codependents: _Codependent No More_ by Melodie Beattie. I've read it countless times in my life and I'll go back and read a section when I feel a "codie moment" coming on.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. Seriously.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> So my wife got home at 9:45pm last Wednesday drunk. Wednesday is her day off. She's been good telling me when she is going to be late. Not this time. She called me in the afternoon, I guess to tell me she was going to be late, but I wasn't at my desk and didn't notice her call on my cell. At 9:45 she gets home drunk she denies it but please anyone can tell. I ask her where she was and that she can not be drinking. She doesn't want to tell me where she was and that she will drink whenever she wants to. (When I looked at her phone that day I could tell she was at her friends place and the next day she confirmed it was her friends birthday. It's on the other side of the city I don't know how she managed the drive without getting stopped.)
> 
> I grab her phone to find out where she has been. she grabs mine and calls the cops. The cops talk to her for about 2 min then call me over and talk to me for about 20. 1 female and 4 male cops basically tell me to really figure out what I want to do. And just by them being there i have 1 foot in jail and a criminal record. If my wife goes to the yard drunk falls and calls them - I'm going to jail.
> 
> ...


Your first priority should be to find some other place to live man!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Did you get the VAR ?


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Yesterday morning she came home from the gym and I had just gotten up and was at the computer in my boxers relaxing eating grapes (no var on me). Since it was nice out she wanted to go somewhere for the weekend. I obviously did not want to go anywhere with her. She asks well what do you want to do? you never want to do anything! I say "nothing" you can't treat me like a criminal and expect me to want to go somewhere for the weekend. 

She starts raging and yelling rips the monitor off the computer and smashes it on the desk. I'm ashamed to say I lost it. 
That's 4 tvs, 2 monitors, multiple cancelled paid for trips that she just decided not to go to so I lost that money with absolutely no responsibility, no repercussions. I grabbed her lifted her up took her to the room threw her on the bed opened her closet and grabbed about 5 of her outfits. went to the bathroom and cut the outfits up. I was just so tired of her smashing things and not taking any responsibilities or consequences. I know it was wrong and stupid I'm just trying to document everything here.

While I'm doing that she is on the phone with the cops: "I got home and he got angry because I went to the gym without him. he doesn't want me to go anywhere without him. And I surprised him watching porn on the computer. He got angry is smashing things and is threatening me with a knife".

I.could.not.believe. she was lying. I still can not believe it.

I thought this was it I'm going to jail. I locked the bedroom door, got on my knees said a prayer, packed a bag then waited for the cops on the front lawn. They got there with sirens blazing like they were in a car chase. 3 cars. The made me lay face down and searched me then sit up and tell them what happened. 2 went in side to talk with my wife. they came back 10 min later. the lead cop told me there is something wrong with her right? I can see she has anger problems but there is something else. They told me to get my stuff and leave. To be really careful with her. and when I come back Monday to check in at the police dept. first for my own safety. I'm hoping a cop can escort me home monday as I don't want to be alone in the house with her. 

I'm going back on monday grabbing the cats and some clothes. I told my boss I have a family emergency and may not make it in to work monday and tuesday. but I have my computer and can work from home. I'm planning on telling him the whole situation on Wednesday - I need some time to sort this out but I'll be able to work from home. I'll be staying at my mom house about 3 hrs away.

Monday I have to talk with the lawyer and the landlord. I am not going to live under the same roof as her.

Also this problem she has is not alcohol related this is the 3rd time recently were she has completely lost it and not had a drink. I think she has some type of disorder she can go from raging to calm to crying to back to raging within minutes like flipping a switch. I use to think it was the alcohol but not anymore.

I was trying to pay off a debt before filing but now - f the money. I'd rather be living under a bridge than live with her. 

Its amazing how everything went down hill so fast. I started really enforcing boundaries 2 months ago and that's when all of this mess started getting bad.

Thanks everybody for all the advice. My main goal with writing here is to have these incidents documented somewhere and also the advice is very helpful. Getting this off my chest by writing it down helps me too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm so glad to hear you are getting out of this hot mess. The thing that happened is you lost it. When you are around crazy long enough, it starts to wear off on you. I look back on the behavior I had while living with AH (alcoholic husband) and it makes me wonder how I turned into that person.

Your wife is a crazy alcoholic. Take the booze out of the equation, and you are left with a crazy person. My guess is she started drinking to self-medicate away some of the rage.

And the boundaries you set? She has clearly shown she refuses to respect those, based on her over-the-top behavior.

From here on out, I'd suggest you block her on your phone and all social media. Don't let her know where you are living, if that is at all possible. Any discussions that need to occur can go on between your attorney and hers. If she doesn't get an attorney, simply have your guy write or call her. No contact with her is the safest way to go.

Please keep us posted, and the very best of luck from here on out!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife should have been arrested for drunk driving. Not you. The cops by you are really off of their game, it seems.

I echo that you're in an abusive relationship. I'd get out asap, and not look back. (praying for you)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Very glad to hear that the cops can see her for what she is, and are trying to keep you safe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs to be placed in a secure mental health facility. Seriously.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wonder if some of her "drunken rages" might have been psychotic episodes?


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Update:

We've been living under the same roof. I talked to her about divorce that Monday when i got back from exile. She said she didn't want to divorce and her attacks / late night disappearances / cop calling will stop. She even had her mom talk to me on the phone. Her mom said give her one more chance. I like her mom shes in her late 70s and very smart with advice. I'm not taking it this time tough. My heart wants to believe but my gut says don't.

I secretly went to the courthouse the next day to get the process started. I've been filling out paperwork since. But now we have to go as a couple on Thursday. I let her know this past Sunday that everything was ready and she needs to sign. We had an argument but that died after about 1 hr. Every time we've had a big blowup she always told me this is an easy fix just give me xyz and everything is solved. So I did. Its all in the paperwork. She seemed surprised I actually went ahead and did it. As long as we're in agreement this should move pretty fast.

Shes been extra nice since that day I talked with her mom. I think she thought I would not follow through on my threats like I've done in the past and everything would go back to normal. As much as I would like to give her another chance I know deep down inside it's only a matter of time before she goes back to her old ways. I keep thinking just one more chance or I remember how much being single sucked or going out to meet people sucked. It seems like I'm about to take 10 steps back to be were I was 5 years ago. It's just so much more comfortable to say ok one more chance: lets watch tv, whats for dinner, lets go out.

I know what im doing is the right thing to do but it still sucks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Being single does not suck nearly as bad as being abused and disrespected. So glad to read that you did not fall for the false promises this time, good for you for moving forward!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, good for you!!! Yes breaking up sucks, but what she was doing to you over and over sucked more.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Stay strong NBM. When you come out the other side of this mess you'll look back and thank your lucky stars you're no longer living like that.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Update:
> We've been living under the same roof.


Bad idea. Is this still the case?



> I'm not taking it this time tough. My heart wants to believe but my gut says don't.


Smart gut. Keep listening.



> I secretly went to the courthouse the next day to get the process started..


Good, keep going.



> Shes been extra nice since that day I talked with her mom.
> 
> I know what im doing is the right thing to do but it still sucks.


Hang on, this ride isn't over. Her monster will come out when she understands you're done and there is nothing more for her from you. The gloves will really come off then.

Is it important for you to keep her pacified? There are things you can dangle to keep her in line until you are ready to cut the cord.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Is she still unemployed?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She is most likely in the early to middle stages of alcohol induced psychosis. Her brain is dying, much like an Alzheimer's patient. At the rate she's going she will be an invalid or dead in ten years. 

Go online and read about AIPS, so you will understand why you need to get out of that house. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

When the cops tell you to get out or you're going to jail, run. They've seen it all and they know how this one turns out. Even if she's the aggressor you'll lose if she hurts herself but pins the blame on you.

In a game of he said/she said with DV, the guy will almost always lose unless they have proof (hard, concrete proof) that the injuries were self sustaining or from an accident.

IMO, even if you're the only one on the lease I would GTFO and stay with a buddy. That way if she shows up all commando and bat *bleep* crazy, at least you have a witness.

She destroys your house, makes it all that more easy for you in court. Material things can be replaced, having a record is for life.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

thanks guys for the kind words.
@sapientia
I am worried the monster will come out. I'm trying to keep her pacified by agreeing to her terms within reason. any suggestions?
@CynthiaDe
She found a job really quick. the following week.
@bandit.45 and CH
depending on how things go down tomorrow I may just have to leave for a couple of months or just turn in the house. and rent somewhere else. I told her this: If you want I'll just turn in the house and you'll have 2 months to leave. In that case she has to wait until everything is final and sold to get her share of assets. OR we can do things civilly by me buying her parts out. this way she has the cash immediately when everything is final. 

I'm hoping she takes option 2. I'll find out tomorrow.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

That's good she has a job. Things would be more difficult if she didn't.

It's also good that you are moving forward and that she is aware.

Be very careful. She could go off at any moment. Do not engage her in any argument whatsoever.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

NBM how are you doing?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> She needs AA.
> 
> You need to be out of there.


More like AA to ZZ-Top off the Tank and Take flight off from the Tundra.

Growing up, I lived with a whole bunch of WWII generation drunks.

All the males were Veterans.

It was one minute funny, the next sad and the next tragic.

Talk about dysfunctional !!

I was the only child of four who did not become a next generation drunk. Thank the Army, Viet Nam and my wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Update:
> 
> We've been living under the same roof. I talked to her about divorce that Monday when i got back from exile. She said she didn't want to divorce and her attacks / late night disappearances / cop calling will stop. She even had her mom talk to me on the phone. Her mom said give her one more chance. I like her mom shes in her late 70s and very smart with advice. I'm not taking it this time tough. My heart wants to believe but my gut says don't.
> 
> ...










[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Is she still unemployed?


Did she quit or was she fired for being drunk at work?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> She is most likely in the early to middle stages of alcohol induced psychosis. Her brain is dying, much like an Alzheimer's patient. At the rate she's going she will be an invalid or dead in ten years.
> 
> Go online and read about AIPS, so you will understand why you need to get out of that house.
> 
> ...


This is so true. Alcohol is a solvent and for all practical purposes "dissolves" the brain.

Very few substances get past the blood-brain-barrier. Alcohol is one of them. It is not far from being converted to sugar...the food of the brain.

Look what it does to the fuel systems in our older combustion engines {automobiles}.

Opium schmopian...alcohol is the worst.

OK, I drink beer on occasion! Cannot handle much.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Having lived with drunks, I am acutely aware how hard it is "go sober", to get that monkey off one's back.

Few can do it....for long....and for one's [remaining] lifetime.

Cigarette smoking goes with the booze. This habit often kills you first.

Also, drunks do not eat properly, the lack of proper nutrients and vitamins compounds this life choice, leads to an early death.....liver failure, cancer, heart disease....all of the aforementioned, plus, you name it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This might be of help:-

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=98


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Having lived with drunks, I am acutely aware how hard it is "go sober", to get that monkey off one's back.
> 
> *Few can do it....for long....and for one's [remaining] lifetime.*
> 
> ...


I'm a recovering alcoholic and there are a few who have remained sober once they decide to put it away. I have had only one relapse in the last twenty four years. 

But it is a daily challenge. There are places which I actively have to avoid: bars, liquor sections of grocery stores, even certain magazines are triggers. I cannot go out to bars or lounges with friends from work, I have to be extremely careful when I go to parties, and even then I often leave early so as to avoid the drinking and carousing part of the evenings. 

When you are a recovering alcoholic you can learn coping skills that can keep you out of trouble, but like anything else they require repetition and practice, and that takes a lot of time and work. Many people do not have the social resources and help from their families to achieve this. Recovery from alcoholism must be a team effort of the alcoholic, his AA sponsor, his doctor/psychiatrist, counselors and family. That is why it is crucial for the spouse of an alcoholic to attend AlAnon meetings, so that they can work with the alcoholic to create an environment where triggers are predicted and strategies to avoid them can be put into place. 

Self monitoring is the single most strenuous thing I do every day, and it can wear you out. That is why it is so important to have a strong support system.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

any spouse that calls the cops on their partner unjustly, is the lowest of scum. I would RUN to the nearest lawyer and get a divorce. Take out a restraining order on her so she can not bother you at your home.


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