# Update



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

So, I've been off here for a while and wanted to let everyone know where I'm at.

Our abatement period (holding period) ended last week. Unfortunately, my wife chose to discontinue MC after the 3rd session, and therefore, reconciliation was a steep uphill battle since March. She told me she is done and wants us both to move on.

I have finally let go of her. Stopped holding out hope while she steadily withdrew even further. Now, we're at the business language talk stage. She told me she has been consciously pulling away so as not to give me any hope whatsoever that we'll reconcile.

I'm over it. So tired of spending energy on someone and getting nothing back. I was stuck in that rut for months.

Now, I'm at a new stage. Ready to proceed and quickly end the marriage, realizing my independence.

I'm scared, yet excited at the same time. Still on that rollercoaster. I feel as though I am floating; my mind is distracted. I can't believe I ended up in this place, with beautiful children, and a stbx who chose to stop loving me. and, I believe I have plenty of love to give to someone.

The pain is still there, although, as is normal, it is less intense and easier to overcome. Just a tad.

I'm not sure how long this period will last. I liken it to moving from one circle of hell to another in this entire process.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Aww, Jayb. You do sound like you are coping and moving ahead as well as can be expected. Go you!


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

You aren't alone Jayb...

There are many of us who are in the exact same position as you. All of our stories are similar and we are all victims of WAW's. Did we have our part in the failure of the marriage...you bet we did. Lets own our failures and move on.

I'm determined to move on and take the knowledge and lessons I have learned from some great mentors on TAM, to find someone better. I'm not religious but I do believe this was the plan for us and it has to be for a reason. 

There is undoubtedly someone out there who is truly willing to return our love. Like me, you have received awesome tools to put your needs first going forward so we don't end up repeating the same mistakes again.

She will miss you. She will realize she screwed up. The kids will grow up to resent her for what she did. They will know she didn't give the marriage that one last try it deserved.

The beauty is... when that time finally comes when they realize the mistakes they made and they want us back, we will have already sailed off into the sunset with someone better and they will be left with one gift...

The gift of missing us.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Jayb,

just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm in the same boat.

I think you already know that I managed to reconcile with my wife only to see her walk out on me again.

I thought I would be stronger this time having given it 'all I had'. Well, I am stronger as far as coming off 'needy' to her, but there's a huge difference between truly moving on and where I am right now.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I was going to PM you to ask how you were doing. Bro, I hope you are doing as good as the new attitude I sense in uour post indicates. All things come to an end. The suffering will pass. Happiness will come your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Sent you a PM a while back and have been wondering about you. Sure glad you came back to let us know. Sorry it turned out the way it did but you're exactly where I am, done and ready to move the F on. It really is a one way job what you and I had been working on.

Check your PMs, I'm headed that way next week.


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

Chalk up another guy in the same place as you JayB. Boy does it suck, but the feeling of relief -- however slight -- is nice. In time, it will all sort itself out, but in the meantime, I'm going to worry about what I can control -- me and my kids -- and be thankful for those who do love and support me. Keep up the good work!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Add me to the list as well. I am still working on it. I am not sure my wife is as far gone as some others, and I am making slow progress, but I am preparing for the possibility of ending it myself, but I am more confident than ever that no matter how things turn out, I am going to be ok, and will make a great husband for the right person.

You do bring encouragement with you, and it helps all of us. Thanks.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Thinking...

I would have been farther along to healing, etc. if I had accepted her words and actions back then. All this waiting and hoping did was to delay healing and prolong the pain.

Sucks.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Thinking...
> 
> I would have been farther along to healing, etc. if I had accepted her words and actions back then. All this waiting and hoping did was to delay healing and prolong the pain.
> 
> Sucks.


Glad you're moving on. I think I may have to learn from your words here. I'm stuck right now.

Best wishes moving on. Know you're not alone here.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Thinking...
> 
> I would have been farther along to healing, etc. if I had accepted her words and actions back then. All this waiting and hoping did was to delay healing and prolong the pain.
> 
> Sucks.


I agree....the holding on hurts us more, but in the long run at least we can say we tried.

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Oh how I wish I knew 2 months ago moving on was by far the best choice in the end.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I was worried that I'd moved on too quickly, but really glad I did now
sound like you're getting there jayb, be strong brother x


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Like you, Jayb, despite being crapped on by my STBXW, I too, held out a scintilla of hope that she would come back to her senses and offer some consideration to the process of R, and it lasted her a most lengthy 18 hours. That's when I executed a "full court press" of the 180, and I haven't looked back!

Sure! We both hold on to memories of all of the good things that our relationship so provided for us, but we came to the rationality that that was now gone and would never to return. I would greatly suspect that is just human nature working in us!

So like me, Jay~ it's fastly time to execute that 180, and move on to the bigger and better things that life has in store! Same goes for me!


180 TIME


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Seems a lot of us are at this point at the same time. I am exactly at this stage too. I hurts like hell to let go but I now realise investing energy into a dead relationship is a waste of my time and energy. However, my separation still weighs on my mind quite heavily and it does consume most of my thoughts. Exercise and hanging out with my son are the only things that give me a bit of relief.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Seems a lot of us are at this point at the same time. I am exactly at this stage too. I hurts like hell to let go but I now realise investing energy into a dead relationship is a waste of my time and energy. However, my separation still weighs on my mind quite heavily and it does consume most of my thoughts. Exercise and hanging out with my son are the only things that give me a bit of relief.


Fellas, I am so in tune to what you are feeling. FWIW, I had to hit rock bottom to come out of it. There was no formula, just had that weekend where she went about of town and everything got dark. The lowest and scariest place my mind has ever been,
For whatever reason, I came out of that weekend seeing everything differently and was finally able to let go. Took me 6 months guys and I had hoped for a much shorter time frame. I read alot about it and found plenty of people who were still struggling 1 year later. 

It DOES go away!


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## njdad (Mar 29, 2012)

Just found out that a close friend's mom -- like my second mom -- is dying. This friend has been there for me like no other through all of my troubles with the wife. Really put things in perspective for me. I don't have the time or the inclination to chase after someone who does not really love me. There are too many other people in this world who do and my time with them is too short to waste it on others.

Don't get me wrong. I know that I still love my wife. Still hope that things somehow work out some day. But I need to start living again for what is real and not what I hope may happen some day.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

jayb,

good to hear from you, was worried i hadn't seen your posts in a while. i too am at a very similar position as you are right now. stbxw and i spoke last week one last time and agreed divorce is the only way to go at this point. after 3 months of limbo, walking on eggshells, and tossing and turning and crying myself to sleep, there is some relief in certainty. i now feel the darkest days are behind me. obviously we should expect relapses and trigger events, after all we are not the ones that gave up hope till the very end, but we have to remind ourselves that each day that passes, the darkest days are further and further away in our rearview mirrors. 

all the best as you move forward towards a new and better life. keep us updated and whenever you need support or encouraging words, we're here for you!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, I hope you're healing will be quick, you have been going through all this too long. Thinking of you.


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## mrmagoo (Feb 21, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Thinking...
> 
> I would have been farther along to healing, etc. if I had accepted her words and actions back then. All this waiting and hoping did was to delay healing and prolong the pain.
> 
> Sucks.


Yes but you stuck it out and tried, you'll never fault yourself for that. How long can I continue in this purgatory of receiving physical connection in massive quantities while simultaneously having no emotional connection/support from her whatsoever? Is a dicey dicey game......................


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

This whole process of recovering is difficult and painful. It is so surreal. And, just when I think I have it figured out, I'm thrown a swerve that rocks me.

I'm trying so hard. It's so tough.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jayb said:


> This whole process of recovering is difficult and painful. It is so surreal. And, just when I think I have it figured out, I'm thrown a swerve that rocks me.
> 
> I'm trying so hard. It's so tough.



And it will continue to be tough as you flucuate between the feelings of remorse, introspection, and anger! It's been better than a year for me, and I'm still having those feelings making me wonder what it is that, perhaps, I could have done better!


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