# Caught off guard



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ok a little background on my story. There had been some ups and downs. My husband is very closed down emotionally. If you ask him to sit down and talk about things that have gone wrong or could be improved upon he freaks out and says "Everything's fine, why do you always want to talk"? I'm a huge talker, I always want to talk about what happened, why, and how I can fix it. What can I do for you type of person.

So my husband does this in and out thing. He'll be really into our marriage and happier than all get out then he pulls out, no talking, no sex, doesn't want to go anywhere, he just goes to work, sits at the computer and plays Wow then goes to bed. Next day rinse and repeat until he comes out of his phase. I've always stuck by him because I know eventually this "phase" passes. However I came to realize that every time he'd go through a "phase" it would take a little piece of me w/it. I started to think does he love me and am I "worth" it to him?

So in December of this year I finally said to him either this vicious cycle has to end or we need to get divorced. This phasing you do breaks off a little bit of me each time you do it. Now I never really wanted to get divorced. Me putting it on the table was my way of finding out whether he loved me enough to quit this cycle or if he didn't and would "walk" when the door was held open for him. So I drop the bomb on him and he freaks out. I go outside proceed to call my Mom and a few close friends. I talked to my best friend (whom lives 4 doors down from us) then I go back inside. I find my husband off the computer (Shock) and on the couch sitting in the complete dark listening to music. We sit there in silence me watching him for a while because I'm seeing more "emotion" in him than I ever have. Finally I say "What do you think I should do?" he responds with "You are the only thing that matters to me I will do anything not to lose you." I'll even go to counseling (another shocker) I looked him straight in the face (bawling of course because this is exactly what I wanted to hear, that I mattered, that he loved me as much as I loved him, and that he'd do w/e not to lose me) Any way I tell him not to say it if he doesn't mean it. I find out later that he had told my best friends husband that he wasn't going to let me walk away etc. 

That being said I was gung ho ready to go, I heard what I needed to hear and of course as I always do I open right back up and believe it all. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone I'd do anything for him and for us.

Anyway fast forward two weeks and he comes to me and says I don't think its going to work. I'm completely shocked and blind sighted. I'm like what?! You said I was the only thing that mattered that you'd do anything to lose me etc. I'm like what about the counseling we haven't tried anything yet? He says I'm not going it won't help. I'm not "feeling" anything anymore. I'm completely shocked in how you can go from doing anything and telling someone they are the only thing that matters to you to not being willing to do anything at all period.

So two weeks later my husband moves out. He tells me he's confused. Here we are 5 months later, for the first few months he went w/the confused business. We talked alot he went back and forth alot from I'm going to work it out w/you to its never going to work w/you because somethings missing and never tells me "what" is missing. I've told him honestly that I think he has depression issues. I've always asked him to talk to someone about it because he's so closed down emotionally. 

He now has his own apartment. I miss him like hell. I love him to pieces I don't want this divorce at all. I haven't gotten any answers as to why this is happening other than the I don't feel it BS. He tells me I did nothing wrong. That I was a good wife. We've talked about having things in common, good sex, I have always been faithful never cheated on him etc. I'm like if you know you have all of that why are you not willing to save it? It makes no sense to me. I feel like we're doing this with no good reason and I'm miserable. I don't understand at all. 

Recently his work has made him see a psych and they've put him on Zoloft. But he's still on the you didn't do anything wrong its all me trip. He'll still tell you he has it all but isn't willing do anything about it. I try to talk to him and I just end up being pissed off and telling him he's foul and I don't understand how he can treat people the way he does. I thought him talking to a psych and being on meds would help. It's only be a few weeks w/the meds and the psych. I keep hoping that time will help him realize. But he won't spend any time w/me won't even tell me where his new apt is...nothing. I try not to call/text and I'll be ok for a bit then he'll find some reason to text me and it all flares up and I'm a wreck again. W/o talking to him I can hide the wreck that I am from everyone but those who "know" me. 

We have a court date for the 25th of June (he filed I signed some internet do it yourself divorce papers back in Feb) thought those papers were only good for 60 days and was excited once we got past that mark, but I guess they're good for longer since I just got a letter addressed to him w/the court date inside of it.

Any insight would help. Tell me why he'd fully admit that I did nothing wrong and that he has everything and knows that a majority of this and him losing whatever it is that he calls not feeling it anymore....why he wouldn't do something about it and fix what he knows he has. Especially when he knows I'll stand by him no matter how rough the road or long it is. After I'm willing to work on us when I know some of the "things" he's done since he's been gone. I guess I don't understand why he can knowing say that he has all of these things and that he knows he is why we are in this perdicament and he won't work on himself and put himself back into it. I know we can work and I know we are meant to be. He was my best friend and husband prior to kicking me in the a$$ with this craziness. I just want my husband, lover, best friend back. I'm miserable w/o him and don't know why he won't put the effort back in but finds the energy to text me, call, or whatnot when he knows its going to give me renewed hope etc....ok I'm rambling


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

My wife is doing to me exactly what your husband did to you. Never spoke to me about problems, never went to couseling, blames me for everything, wont talk to me, wont work on us, acts like this whole thing is just a day in the life, only thinks about herself and her needs not mine or my kids. Sorry you are dealing with this I know how it hurts.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Rhea-

This is a tough one. I think Dr. Tracy covers it well in her broken popcorn machine parable: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

Also, psychoactive drugs seldom fix people. They can sometimes help manage the symptoms, and for some people the result is almost perfect. But if you want a genuine repair, drug therapy as it stand does not deliver unless the drug just happens to contain a chemical the nervous system was lacking.

So I guess I am saying you need to face the reality of what is really going on. The only thing that will work for him is if he suddenly wants to take control of his own destiny. It's all about the will to live, and the will to live well.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yes I know the drugs are not a stand alone fix for him. I guess I'm just hoping that they will "facilitate" change as they are intended. 

I'm just missing him like h3ll and yes it does hurt very deep. I don't have the capacity to understand what the heck he is doing. I just want to stand by him while he "fixes" himself but that doesn't seem to matter to him right now. He just seems so detached. It's crazy I really can't comprehend it at all. :scratchhead:

That "popcorn" analogy does hit home. 

I just keep praying he continues to see the psych and that he'll come around before it's too late. Maybe I'm fooling myself I don't know. I love the man so much and to just give up (which obviously I'm unable to do at the moment) seems to be abandoning him which I can't bring myself to do.


----------



## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

My husband did the EXACT same thing... down to playing WoW.... I still am lost about him and what he's doing...


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

So just a small update. Yesterday morning I woke up and as I do every morning while waiting for my daughter to get ready for school I do the email, MySpace, Facebook, (and recently forum check here) and I read a status on Facebook from my H's cousin that says "Please pray for our family, our hearts hurt, my cousin passed away in a car wreck last night"

Now surely someone would have called me if it was my hubby or his sister...but it just gave me this unsettling feeling in my gut and I knew my day wouldn't be right until I knew. (Recently I've been a mess worrying about H because of recently being put on meds for depression and drinking on top of them. He's no alocholic not a daily basis drinker, but does turn to it when he doesn't want to deal w/something.) Anyway w/the drinking and depression meds it freaks me out he's going to do something drastic or something. So I call my SIL she doesn't answer so after about 5 minutes I decide I'm going to call my H. He's very rude and says I've woken him up etc. I apologize for waking him in hopes that he'll understand I just needed to hear his voice and know that he was ok. Anyway so I say a quick Sorry and hang up. I proceed to follow this up w/a text saying it's not necessary to be an a$$ I just called so I'd know. He doesn't respond. I send a couple more (bad I know, sometimes I just don't know when to stop) and all I get in response is I'm sleeping sheesh.

Later that day I speak w/my SIL she calls me back. She tells me what happened. (Their uncle's daughter passed but that my hubby didn't know yet.) I guess he just got up and went to work as normal. It strikes me as really odd that he'd get a phone call like that from me in the morning and just go back to bed. Not call anyone and see what's going on or anything...
Anyway I guess he found out after work last night. I debated back and forth all day as to whether I should send him a "Sorry for your loss text." Finally I gave in and did. He said he was fine I asked him if he wanted to talk or maybe some company promising not to talk about us etc. He refused. Ouch. Said he was just going to drink and go to bed. Of course I responded to that w/a please don't drink yourself into a stupid mess text. Then I called (ugh my self control leaves much to be desired) I have a hard time w/the show him you're fine w/o him and he'll come around method. I'm trying hard on a daily basis to work on that. I just get to missing him so much and it's all out the window. 

Anyway phone call ends w/me hanging up on him. Which is about the norm these days because I always ask too many questions and the more I ask the more it frustrates him and the more mean he is which upsets me more. So...I hung up and sent a text that said I'm sorry I bothered you this evening, I know it's rude to just hang up but when you get mean it instantly brings tears to my eyes and I just can't handle it. Sorry for your loss and if you need anything you know I'm here.

My biggest problem is dealing w/his depression and how his emotions and ability to detach himself from people works. I'm the type of person that even if I cause "warrented" "valid" drama I still feel bad for the drama it causes. He's the type that's so detached he's like whatever I don't care yadda yadda, I don't know if this is a cover up or what because he's so mean and detached but then it gets to a point and he contacts me or what not. Some people say its him playing games or doing the keeping you holding on thing. To me it's like he tries to cover up what he's really feeling and he's got to keep up w/the scenario he created when he's around others but when he's actually alone he can't keep his thoughts or emotions in check and does miss me and us and breaks down and calls or texts. 

Thoughts anyone? Sorry if it's mumbled or disconnected thoughts let me know if you need clarification on anything...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hey....this sounds familiar!

Depression is tricky... medication can help with counseling. However, medication alone isn't as good. It often takes several weeks to meet opt. dosage. Not all anti-depressants work well with all....so finding the right fit isn't always easy. 

Anyway, encourage counseling. Perhaps get some recommendations from others and slip him a note with the name and numbers. Do it in a caring way. Tell him "whatever happens with us I want you happy and healthy." Do what it takes.

If his workplace noticed his depression, it is serious. Help him get the help he needs. 

It's hard to work on a marriage if a person is depressed. It's hard to feel anything else but the depression.

Take it from me, I've walked in the darkness.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Just thinking of and missing the hell out of my husband this morning so thought I'd come here. Can't call him it will just end with me being a wreck so came here instead....here's lyrics from a song that make me think of the things I'd do for him 

"Lay Your World On Me"

I know you think you're all alone
I haven't been there when you've needed me
I didn't deserve the love you gave
But now I'm telling you I'm here if you need a friend

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Don't let it twist you up inside
Time never fails to make the heartache stop
You've got to let those feelings go
I'll give you everything I can if you say the word

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me

I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

Ozzy Osborne

Don't take it literal word for word, I did deserve his love  Still do, so confused I was there for him...depression SUCKS I feel like it's stolen my husband from me and he's yet to realize that.

Ok sigh done posting before this becomes a MASSIVE pity party. Sorry just feeling blue today.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Rhea I'm right where you are this morning. The weekend was awful as well. I was depressed and it also ruined my marriage. I'm on the other side of where you are. 

It took everything in me to not contact her this weekend. It's even difficult to type this out and you're right it does seem like a pity party at this point. 

I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling so much pain. I know it get's better but that doesn't help us now does it. 

My wife was coming back and then decided against it so that was the hardest thing that I've had to endure. It's hard to stop the thoughts that she's maybe hurting and just not reaching out to me for whatever reason. 

Hang in there Rhea you're so not alone.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I miss him so much. His illness pulled him away from me and now he's acting like I'm just another woman. I love this man more than I could ever imagine. I thought this would just be short lived and he'd come home but he's seeing other women which hurts so bad, so much that I can't even put it into words but he tells me that he cares for me and trusts me more than I'll ever know. I just don't understand how he can help himself and do nothing when it comes to us. It just seems like he ran because it was easier than working on us...I keep thinking he'll have a revelation but it just isn't happening. I'm trying so hard not to contact him because all it does is cause me pain. I'm trying to so hard to follow the "If you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be, if they don't they were never yours to begin with" but that just leaves me thinking that he never really was mine. His depression is something he's dealt w/for a long time it's like he can only give so much of himself and keeps the rest to himself like he needs to protect himself...ugh I keep getting told it will get easier but it's not getting easier. I'm so confused literally I have no clue what happened. I mean I know we don't have the perfect marriage but we didn't have anything to separate over...sheesh so much more to the story


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Oh and Sinatra I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say

"It's hard to stop the thoughts that she's maybe hurting and just not reaching out to me for whatever reason."

I feel as though he's doing the same thing....


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Breathe Rhea I know it's so so hard. I'm crying so loud on the inside right now I'm sure you're as well. Depression is truly a killer, but I know one thing you can't do anything to change him. You have to remember that you can only change yourself and make sure you're taking care of yourself. Try try try to remain strong and be within yourself and your own mind, not his. 

Remember you can't control anyone or their actions. Don't try and make sense of what he's doing, you won't be able to. Try and not read anything into things and stay within yourself. Trust me as I'm typing this I'm struggling to do this myself.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Rhea said:


> Oh and Sinatra I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say
> 
> "It's hard to stop the thoughts that she's maybe hurting and just not reaching out to me for whatever reason."
> 
> I feel as though he's doing the same thing....



Yes that's very hard to deal with, but who really knows if they are. Also if they really are than they can reach out to us. I think that's what's really hard for LBS is that we think or know that the other person is hurting as well and that they aren't reaching out.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

***Update***

So yesterday morning my DH's ears must have been burning because a friend of mine and I were emailing back and forth just me updating her on the situation and the latest happenings. We were just talking about how I had almost been a week since I'd talked to him when bzzz the phone goes off and he text me about some bad news (in a time of crisis or when something bad happens he always turns to me) I text him back after sitting on it for a few minutes (I have a hard time ignoring him especially during bad times for him) anyway I said I'm sorry to hear that text me later if you need someone to talk to I'm here.

Later in the evening while I knew he was still at work w/no access to phone. I text him about one of the untility bills and then said I hope you had a good day text later if you want. TTYl.

Fast forward to 10ish I get a text from him just regular bs but I couldn't read what he wrote so I repsonded w/huh and he called. He was like I don't want to text I'd rather talk :smthumbup: So we talked for a bit which wound up w/him inviting me to the house he's renting since he's moved out. HUGE step seeing how as though he wouldn't even tell me where he lived before because he was afraid I'd cause drama. I was a little skeptical at first and was like I don't know if that's such a good idea. But he convinced me to come over so we could talk.

Needless to say I went over stayed for about 4 hrs. We talked, had some great sex and talked some more. It ended w/a hug volunteered by him and a kiss that I asked for  but wasn't denied. He said I'd hear from him this weekend sometime. I haven't text him since I left last night when I text and said I love you very much thank you for spending time w/me tonight I really enjoyed it. I miss you like crazy it sucks not having you around. TTYl

So at this point I haven't text yay! Even though I want to really bad. I'm trying to just see where it goes. He kept saying things through out the evening such as well next time you come over or I'm going to have do this so that when you come over we can do this etc yadda yadda. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but to hear him talk like that is music to my ears. I'm hoping these are baby steps and signs of a chance of hope. We really had some good conversation and he was really open.

Oh! and guess what, right beside his bed on his night stand was his wedding band! I was like what's that doing there? He's like I keep it there, I like it there. It's a reminder to me 

So anyway, hopefully I hear from him this weekend. 

*Praying* but not texting lol. Gosh I love this man. Phew! It's crazy how much you can love someone.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Just coming to my own little spot on here to rant...this is almost like a diary I suppose...

Holy Moses and Mary someone please help me understand, so if you read my post a couple days ago I went to the hubby's house he's been renting after he moved out....as stated had some good conversation, great sex, ended w/a goodbye kiss and a I'll call you this weekend statement.

Well no call this weekend. After reading his MySpace status this evening (damn myspace, I need to stick to Facebook lol) it reminds me (like I would have forgotten right!) that I didn't hear from him this weekend. Anyway his status says something of the sorts like only my two true friends have never hurt me. So dumb me texts him and says "Hey why I haven't I heard from you?" He responds w/I don't know....me "Really?! Thought you were going to give me a call? How are you? I read your status who are your two true friends? Him..."You and *****" But that still doesn't change anything w/us. 

Insert frustration here!  and confusion and lack of self control....I dial his number and call him up. I'm like what's up w/that? I'm your best friend? We have great sex, I've never been unfaithful, we have great chemistry hence the great sex, we have plenty in common and I'm told that I never did anything wrong as far as being a good wife.

Question of the century....someone tell me why this man is divorcing me?! I ask him and he's like I've told you "I just don't feel it" (my least favorite expression right next to the "I love you but I'm not "in" love with you statment). Really? How do you not feel or love your wife when straight from the horses mouth she is your best friend, you miss having sex with her, you make comments about how great the sex is, she was faithful to you and a good wife? You guys have plenty of hobbies in common etc. Do tell me exactly what it is your missing in this marriage and hoping to find by becoming single!....Silence

My words to him....interesting babe, so should I have
*treated you like ****
*been unfaithul
*not participated in our mutual hobbies or denied you doing them
*never had sex w/you
*and be the worst wife I could possibly be?

Would that have kept you around?........silence


*end rant*


----------



## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Not to be a downer on you but you do know this all came about because you felt the need to play a game with him and it backfired on you.

"Especially when he knows I'll stand by him no matter how rough the road or long it is."

He doesn't know this because you said the D word.

With that said I know what you are going through. My wife was the same way with me just after Christmas. Oddly enough and I'm not suggesting doing this the only thing that got her to see the light was me going out on a date. I went on a date on Friday (and Saturday) and she called me on Sunday wanting to talk. My point is maybe the shock is feeling that he might lose you forever will make it real in his mind.


----------



## Lostman (May 23, 2009)

I know the feeling about the facebook thing. My wife caught me off guard on a few different occasions. After she left she changed her status from married to in a relationship theb to its complicated. When we talked last thursday she teetered on the whole getting back together. So thought I just let you know that all lot of us were caught off guard so you're not alone. Just keep your chin up and keep on keepin on.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

They Call Me Smooth said:


> Not to be a downer on you but you do know this all came about because you felt the need to play a game with him and it backfired on you.
> 
> "Especially when he knows I'll stand by him no matter how rough the road or long it is."
> 
> He doesn't know this because you said the D word.


That was the only way for me to know at the time Smooth. I'm dealing w/a severly depressed man whom thinks he's got no problems although he's been sent to therapy by his job and is now on meds for it. My husband is a "I don't want to talk we don't have any problems type of person" I have even stood by him since he's been gone so I disagree, he does know I'll stand by him. My H is the kind of person that will avoid things to a certain extent and sometimes his philosophy is well as long as no one's walking out the door it's all good. This is not how I nor many people I know function. The "D" word had to be brought up because I knew that's what it would take for him to have a realization as to how serious this was and the tole it was taking on our marriage. I don't know maybe it did cause more harm than good but if I hadn't have said it yes my husband and I would probably be in the same house not getting divorced but I'd be miserable because he'd still be disconnected and thinking everything was fine.

Major changes need to take place. I know he misses me I know he loves me and I know that we CAN make it and I know we BOTH need to work on ourselves independently as well as a couple...problem is I'm the only one that wants to work as a couple right now  He just wants to tell me how much I mean to him etc but not really do anything about it.

I think I'm the "doormat" at the moment because I love him so much I'm putting up w/a lot of things at the moment. I'll be really honest though I'm really scared that if I go NC or I tell him to leave me alone if this is going to continue that he'll just be like ok...and that will be end of it because in his mind it's a hell of a lot easier to walk away from your wife no matter how much she's done for you or how much you miss her or whether she's your best friend or not rather than working on himself because it's really hard for him to admit to himself let alone anyone else that he's got these medical issues which not only effect him but those he loves. I have tried to get him to get help for ages. Had his work not basically told him that he had to go he wouldn't be getting therapy or taking meds at the moment. He'd still be thinking that he could handle it all by himself and we all know the depressed rarely cure themselves. 

I just keep trying to tell him that it is hard to admit and it will be work but the work will be worth it. It's very hard to walk away from someone you love, even harder to walk away from someone you love whom has issues, and even harder to walk away from someone whom you know still loves you. 

I hope everything I said makes sense.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

If you don't mind me asking Smooth, did you talk to her? What was the outcome? (If I'm not being to personal)


----------



## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

Rhea - WOW honey Im so sorry............. I read your thread from start to finish. Man all I can say is you are one strong gal, remember to think of you first. I know being a girl gits the best of every one of us every now and again. 

I can only offer cyber *****(Hugs)***** and that I love reading your posts, you have a way with words.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Well here I am another day, a million more tears. Another conversation with the "Yes I have it all, no I won't do anything about it" husband.

I'm calling on Monday to see if I can get an appointment w/a therapist. I'm fully willing to admit at this point that I am fully unable to cope with and get through this on my own. It's so not working for me at all.

I feel like sh*t, I feel worthless, I fell like a failure. I could go on but you get the picture. In essence I think my husband's depression which caused his disconnect which caused our separation coupled with my complete confusion has now caused me to be depressed and in now way shape or form am I going to let that get the best of me. F**K that. I need to do something because I am out of control to say the least. 

Basically from the conversation we had today the conclusion I reached is that I hold no value to him. He will not get counseling, he will not rid the other people from the picture, he feels no remorse and is totally ok with treating me the way that he his. BUT I am still his "best friend" (right I say in dripping sarcasm to myself) who the f*ck treats their best friend this way? Hanging the phone up on me, putting me on speaker so everyone can hear me? Placing the phone down on the table so that I can talk to myself then hanging up the phone a few minutes later. 

So here comes some bluntness and pardon me because I'm p*ssed. But I think my husband is being the biggest cowardly a**ed p***y I have ever seen at the moment. I think he's scared to work on himself and scared to work on us because that would mean working on himself. How in the hell is something missing when you have everything that we do (see previous posts) who wouldn't give the world to have a best friend in their wife. I think he's scared to come back and scared to do anything because he KNOWS I'm right and if the equation were narrowed down to H+W=Love he'd have to admit that I'm right. So right now he's letting the newness of some b*tch c*ck block the fact that he knows we have what it takes. Go a head sir graze in the pasture let me know when you find out the grass is moldy. He's like I have those things in her too. I'm like uh..you've known her for 2 months neither one of you have a clue what you have in each other. Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have Sh*t in you because you've already slept around on her w/ME. Phew sounds odd to say your husband is cheating on his GIRLFRIEND with his WIFE! Weird to type. But yeah, goes to show this new one's a special one eh? Sure thing. I gotcha. Whatever!

So anyways as I said. Not much I can do here but watch my husband whom used to be my lover and best friend whom still considers me his walk away and not look back. As many questions as I want answered it will never happen. All I'll get by asking is him being p*ssed off because that means he'd have to hold himself accountable for his actions. Which isn't going to happen so I may as well just call it a day and try to move on and heal myself. I could love him forever but right now it's getting me nothing  

What a sad sad world it must be inside his head. Mr. I'm on Zoloft and in therapy but I have no problems what so ever. Mr. yes baby we have chemistry yes I care and trust and love you but I'm not "in" love with you. Mr. you are one of the truest friends I've ever had. Thank you for never hurting me. Mr. you were a great wife you did nothing wrong so please don't think you did. 

Says me Mrs. I can't wait till this all kicks you in the a** sometime in the future then you call me and let me know how much you hurt, then maybe you will have an incling of knowledge at the amount of pain you're causing me. 

Hell I'd rather someone tell me that I suck in bed, I'm a sh*tty wife, and that they don't consider me a friend than have him tell me all the things he is and just walk the f*ck away.

I think he's far from cured and has way more problems than I can imagine at the moment. Wonder when he'll realize that. 

Ok signing off now before I pen an novel here. Please excuse my foul mood today. :scratchhead:


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I sooooo understand your feelings! They are mine too sometimes, then I turn around and try to be strong telling myself and KNOWING that I deserve better! I hate that I've had to ride this rollercoaster while trying to deal with cancer and other ongoing health problems! All I want to happen now is for Karma to kick his ****!!!!


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Lostman said:


> I know the feeling about the facebook thing. My wife caught me off guard on a few different occasions. After she left she changed her status from married to in a relationship theb to its complicated. When we talked last thursday she teetered on the whole getting back together. So thought I just let you know that all lot of us were caught off guard so you're not alone. Just keep your chin up and keep on keepin on.


I got the same "facebook" thing, first I read the its complicated and then she deleted me as a friend. I can still read her stuff and there is never anything on there that says much but i assume some day there will be. Yes, i was caught off guard and still dont know why we are here. I wish I could just move on but I am in quick sand and going down not forward...


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

It surprises me on the different kinds of people we have in this world. You have guys like me and Skin that would do anything for our wives, provide, treat with respect and we get left because ah well they felt like leaving. You have women like Rhea who stands by a guy who is freaking out of his mind (I mean that in the sense of how he is treating you) and will put up with his crap and problems because she is a good wife. We need to match up the good guys with the good gals and let all of the A** Clowns out there get together. They would be perfect for each other, they would always be walking away and nobody would give a sh**. Jeeeeeez!!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> It surprises me on the different kinds of people we have in this world. You have guys like me and Skin that would do anything for our wives, provide, treat with respect and we get left because ah well they felt like leaving. You have women like Rhea who stands by a guy who is freaking out of his mind (I mean that in the sense of how he is treating you) and will put up with his crap and problems because she is a good wife. We need to match up the good guys with the good gals and let all of the A** Clowns out there get together. They would be perfect for each other, they would always be walking away and nobody would give a sh**. Jeeeeeez!!


AMEN!

Sportsman....I think I love you.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

As in....I couldn't have said that better myself!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> I got the same "facebook" thing, first I read the its complicated and then she deleted me as a friend. I can still read her stuff and there is never anything on there that says much but i assume some day there will be. Yes, i was caught off guard and still dont know why we are here. I wish I could just move on but I am in quick sand and going down not forward...


I used to be on my H's MySpace friends list but then got a call one day that he had to delete everyone off of his list (some immature someone I guess told his little lady friend that he'd added some other chick on there ((not me)) and that girl was p*ssed) so now I "the best friend" am no longer on there. He's now created a Facebook profile to which I've yet to be added too and I had to tell him that his little lady friend actually had a page (ironic he didn't know I think, hmm wonder what SHE's hiding) anyway a mutual friend says that his relationship status is "in a relationship" and there are pictures of said little lady friend on there. I'm like awesome too bad they don't have a status option on there that says "Married yet dating because I'm a coward and won't go fix things with my best friend so I'm starting over w/someone else in a complicated situation." What's that statement "Two wrongs don't make a right?" Yeah that's it.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Rhea said:


> As in....I couldn't have said that better myself!


I knew what you meant lol, but then again we both maybe single soon sooo  JK


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Rhea said:


> Well here I am another day, a million more tears. Another conversation with the "Yes I have it all, no I won't do anything about it" husband.
> 
> I'm calling on Monday to see if I can get an appointment w/a therapist. I'm fully willing to admit at this point that I am fully unable to cope with and get through this on my own. It's so not working for me at all.
> 
> ...


y'know, what comes through loud and clear in your post is that you really, really love him. what the hell ever happened that made him turn away from that love?

here, you acknowledge all his faults and still it screams "i love you." does he recognize his faults? i can't believe that counseling would leave him wondering about his faults. or the "fixes."

God, i hope some positive resolution comes of this. you are such an incredibly strong and insightful person. he needs you.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Voivod,
You just brought tears to my eyes. Yes I love him so much, so very very much. This is literally killing me from the inside out. 

I've got some things to do but I'll come back and elaborate later.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

voivod said:


> y'know, what comes through loud and clear in your post is that you really, really love him. what the hell ever happened that made him turn away from that love?
> 
> here, you acknowledge all his faults and still it screams "i love you." does he recognize his faults? i can't believe that counseling would leave him wondering about his faults. or the "fixes."
> 
> God, i hope some positive resolution comes of this. you are such an incredibly strong and insightful person. he needs you.


Sigh...where to begin. You know Voivod I have asked him many a times what the hell happened. I'm like please honey tell me what I did wrong. You haven't told me what that was nor did I ever get the opportunity to rectify that "something" because I never knew it existed. These are the 3 responses I get. 

"You didn't do anything wrong."
"There's something missing" (but he can't tell me "what's" missing)
"I don't know ******!!!" (I'd put my name in there but it's rather unique and that's a dead giveaway)

We are less than two weeks away from a court date and we just had sex a week ago...odd yes very. I'm like "oh wow" you want me to sleep with you but we're still getting divorced and it doesn't change anything? Strange. Now yes I should have said no. But damn the sex is good. Not good on the letting go part for me. But it's obvious I don't want to let go right?!?! I just find it very odd the man wants to be intimate w/me but is divorcing me. Yes I know the intamcy is not the thread that will hold this marriage together but bare with me I've got more. 

The man calls me anytime there's a problem. He's had a bad day, fighting with the woman he's seeing, there's drama, whatever. Why? Because I'm his best friend he says. Can't a man call his best friend when he's having a sh*tty day he asks?
Sure you can honey but now we have two positives for not getting divorced: 1) We're best friends (awesome that's one thing you look for in a spouse no?) and 2) We have great sex (so we know intimacy and chemistry isn't a problem)

Ok so moving on. Prior to my brother moving in he'd not only call me when he was having a bad day he'd come to my house (our house). I'd ask him..."Why are you here?" He'd respond with "Because it's chill here, I know there won't be any drama." 
So now we add #3 to the list. Now we have no drama, intimacy, and we're best friends. 

We have common interests. Video gaming, music, shooting, we both like to hang out with our families, we like to watch some of the same shows on television, etc. Ok so now we have: Common interests, no drama, intimacy, and we're best friends.

Do you see my confusion?! But yet somewhere in there...something is missing. Hmm :scratchhead:


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Things are not always perfect please don't let me paint that picture, I can be moody at times (what woman isn't?). 

The Hubby does have and has been previously diagnosed with severe depression which has caused him not to want to have sex, to sleep all the time, sit at the computer in La La land for countless hours, and basically detach himself from everything but the robotics of life RE: work, home, computer, eat, sh*t, shower, shave, rinse and repeat on a daily basis until said funk has passed and he's normal again. When he's normal again it's family time, time with wife, sex on a frequent basis, watching TV together, and not so much computer (still some but maybe an hour or two a night as opposed to from the time he gets home until the time he goes to bed)

Habits which come out when Hubby is in said funk turn wife into moodier lady but I have never said get your sh*t together or I'm out of here. I've said please go get some help you're obviously not handling these issues on your own. If you can't talk to me please find someone you can talk to. Someone completely detached from you and I and our family. Detached from your parents and mine etc. Someone you can pour it all out to whom can genuinely help you. I will be here for you not matter how long it takes, whether you have to fall to completely rock bottom before you can start to climb back up. 

Depression as we all know effects not only the depressed but those surrounding him. In the last 6 months together hubby started drinking on a nightly basis. Had been caught talking, emailing, and texting what I refer to as a Trailor Hoe (and trust me I've verified she's just that...a skank, she walks the walk and talks the talk). I did approach the hubby about her and about the drinking and the depressive cycles for which he wasn't getting help with. At that point I wasn't getting any sex from him, he never wanted to go anywhere, it was like he didn't hear me when I talked. I'd ask a question he wouldn't flinch nor answer and it really started to affect me. I really didn't know whether he loved me or not anymore. 

So if you read from my previous posts. I did finally get the courage to talk to him and that talk was blunt. If you're not blunt with him he blows it off as a "well she's yelling now, but she'll never leave me, or he'll come w/his typical we don't have problems what's there to talk about jargon. Anyways I needed to know from him that he loved me like I loved him and cared and that it made a difference to him whether I was there or not or if I was just another two legged person walking around his household making it feel a little less empty. So I said to him because I wouldn't have been taken seriously otherwise: "Honey either these vicious cycles need to end (because little by little they're taking a piece of me each time you have one) and I need to know that you love me and want me around like I want you or we need to get divorced because you could care less. He freaked out. I let him sit on it for a bit and then came back into the room.

Found him sitting in the dark (found out that while I was gone which was just outside in my car, that he'd told everyone on the "game" that he'd be gone for a while because he needed to focus on his family and had told my girlfriend's husband that he wasn't going to let me walk away) saw more emotion in him than I'd ever seen in 4 years was told that he'd do anything no matter what not to lose me or let our family fall apart because I was the only thing that matter to him in this world. That he'd go to counseling for us, for him, for the depression, everything. 

Then two weeks later I get told that it's just not going to work. That he doesn't have any problems (denial much) and that there's something missing (really?!).


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I'm really sorry I'm really wordy tonight but I feel if I don't tell it all why tell it at all. 

He has been getting help. However he didn't get that help until his job was basically put on the line. Breaks my heart he'd get help when his job is put on the line but won't get help when his marriage is put on the line. 

I've started going to therapy myself as well. He doesn't know this as of yet. Therapist says that it sounds like hubby doesn't know how to attach on an emotional level. I do know my hubby has self esteem issues (he'll never admit that). His ego is the size of Texas yet it needs constant stroking as that ego is often a show for which the insecurities are being covered with. 

Hubby has seen several OW's since he's been gone, but always finds his way back to me...maybe that makes me a doormat and I need to put a stop to that but damn I love the man it's really hard to say no when he wants to talk or what not. 

I'm constantly fed the it's not going to work, I'm not going to counseling, I'm not in love with you business. I'm like are you really not in love with me or are you scared that other people will find out you need to work on YOU before you can work on us and that will effect what type of man you are in their eyes? F*ck that. I have much more respect for a man whom faces his problems rather than runs from them. 

He just seems to ignore alot when it comes to us. Ignores the fact that we've had more sex in the past 6 months we've been separated than the last 6 months we were together. Ignores the fact that he's telling me I'm his best friend and that he trusts me more than I'll ever know. That I'm not worthless to him (this is how I constantly tell him I feel because I do). I've yet to find out what was missing (I'm not sure anything really was other than the depression getting the best of him)

I really can't understand how it's not going to work if he doesn't do anything to find out if it will or not. He has the never to tell me he's done everything he can to try and make this marriage work...when he hasn't done anything. I often think he's scared of what working on him and us will make other people think of him. I think he thinks that people will think he's a pansy if he comes back because he's the one that left in the first place. I often wonder if he's more worried about what other's will think of him and so wish that'd he'd focus more on what he's losing than what other's think. 

I just think alot of this is tied to his issues that he's supposedly getting help for. The issues he doesn't even think he has. He's admited to me he does have them. But now he's saying he doesn't have them again. He's back to I'm happy my life's great I'm cured. Sure you are. You're divorcing your best friend whom you have all these things with yeah you're fine and you're NOT going to regret that....

It just hurts so bad. I want to break through to him and right now that's not happening.  It's almost unbearable but I'm trying to focus on me. But it's really hard to focus on yourself when it's natural instinct to care for, nurture and want to help the one you love. It's what a best friend, a lover, and a wife is supposed to do. Be there for you good times and bad. 

I pray nightly for his sanity and safety and for the fact that if we're supposed to be then God will bring us back together when the time is right and we're both in the state in which we need to be to provide the things we both need to each other and from each other.

Again sorry so long. I'm a long winded person. I apologize if you're sleepy now lol.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Rhea I have felt every emotion that you are going thru right now....even before my hubby left. The only difference is my hubby has had NC with me hardly since the day he left. He's moved his OW in with him and basically left his disabled wife to fend for herself. At first I couldn't believe that he would ever do this to me....I was in a state of shock! That is when all those feelings hit me that you are going thru right now but when he basically just was only nice to me on the "extremely few" phone conversations, spewing more lies which I eventually learned about, I knew I meant nothing to him. He just wants to move on with OW and get out of this marriage without getting screwed over too much financially.

Your husband sounds like the "I want my cake and eat it too" kind of guy. I hate to say this but it sounds like he is keeping you hanging on "just in case." You don't want that, trust me. My best advice to you is stop all contact and make him wonder what's up. It will be hard, but he will continue this merry-go-round behavior with you and you will feel like you said...a doormat! If it's meant for him to come back to you, stop contact, if he truly cares for you and thinks he is going to lose you, his behavior will change. If it doesn't, then you will know and can start picking up the pieces of your life. 

Sadly my husband has walked after 16 years of marriage but at least I know that it's over....I was apparently a burden on him due to my disability and I deserve better than that kind of "worthless and selfish" man!!! It's very hard to go NC but I think this is the only way to get his attention. As things stand, you are there and he knows it, so why should he have to do anything if he knows as a last resort, he can have you. He's playing games with your head and only you can stop it. I'm sorry that you are getting done this way because it sure does hurt. My stbx doesn't even care about my cancer diagnosis so although it hurt for a while, anger has made me see him and this situation clearly. Hugggssss to you because I know how badly this hurts.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ugh I'm missing him so much today. My daughter had her dance recital today and I had purchased him a ticket in hopes that he'd come if not for me but for her. She would have loved that so much. It just felt SO wrong w/o him there  He's been to all of them but one. Empty...that's what I feel. 

I just want to scream, cry, throw a fit, get drunk and go to bed and sleep. Can't scream that will make my daughter ask questions. Crying will give me a headache, can't drink as I have to work tomorrow and really don't want to get sh*t canned for no apparent reason and have to lock myself in a room all night so I can hide it from my daughter and my brother whom live w/me. 

This hurts so bad. I miss him so much. It's been 7 days w/NC from either one of us. I'm here so I don't break down and text him. I think he's at his cousin's wedding this weekend ironic. Hopefully its making him think hopefully being around his whole non-divorced family with his fixing to be twice divorced self is making him wonder and making him think about whether he's making the right decision or not.

12 days till court and I'm a f*cking mess. I don't want this, I don't want it at all. I hate this. I can't bear the thought of losing him forever and that court date looming up on me is bringing permenancy.  

I don't want to be his doormat or fall back but I really hate the thought that he's pouring his time into someone else and ignoring all the things he says and does with me. I'm not a control freak but man I hate that I can't do anything about this situation that I'm basically pounding on a wall and hoping for a brick to crack. It's like he's looking at everything through a window but refuses to open it. I hate that he's pouring his non stable self into someone else at the moment whilst still saying and doing what he does. I'm sure it's easier because she doesn't know him and he can hide whom he really is from her. I just he'd understand that I do know him and guess what I'm ok with the faults I just want to work through them. Wow why doesn't that make it all worth it to him? Why run from someone it's obvious you love and care for??? Ugh so many questions and no answers. 

I hope one day God brings my best friend and husband back to me. AFTER he's worked out all this stuff in his head, heart, and soul. I know I deserve a better version of him and hope that one day I get that. Even later down the road is ok.

More therapy on Tuesday. Lord help me I'm so sad right now. I just want to hug him, hold him, and tell him how much he means to me. Tell him to fall apart it's ok we'll put it back together.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Rhea:

I've read your whole thread, beginning to end. My impression is that the best thing you could do for your dh is let him go. 

You appear to be wanting to fix his issues when they are his issues, not yours. He sleeps with OW and then you sleep with him. It appears to me (sorry to be so blunt here) that he just wants to wiggle his finger and you come a running and sleep with him although you know he has slept with others.

Rhea, when his depression hurts enough, he will work it out. 

I also have the impression that he says one thing to you, keeping you on the string dancing for him, and he does another. I just don't think he wants to be married to you any longer and I don't think it has a thing to do with depression. I get the impression you are using the depression as an excuse for him not wanting to work on your marriage when in reality he just doesn't want to be married to you and he lets you think it is depression that is to blame. That is why you are so confused and up and down feeling.

Am sorry. I am glad you are getting counseling, because you really need to move on.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hmm, that's the thing Sandy the marriage didn't have any big omg why are we even married?! issues problems we didn't fight over anything other than normal stressers, never had issues w/sex unless husband hit said funk, had many things in common, got along great until the depression overtook him, then kinda had "black" phases and then he'd come out and we'd be great again, we have been friends for years so I'm having a really hard time with the "just doesn't want to be married to you thing" and it having nothing to do w/depression. He has SEVERE clinical depression. Medically diagnosed, not just a "Oh I think my husband is depressed" wifely diagnostic. 

He's meerly stepping through the motions right now as far as therapy goes. Trust me I know this man well. He's the type of person whom if you give him the chance will sit there and think of how to answer the therapist so he doesn't have to tell them the truth. He's afraid to feel because he's afraid of getting hurt. He runs when sh*t gets rough or HE messes up because it's very hard for him to work on himself. So you see no, he probably won't get help when it hurts enough because HE won't admit that he's hurting even when he's transparent as hell and everyone can see it but him. He would NOT be in therapy at the moment if his job did not MAKE him go.


----------



## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Rhea,

My wife left me as I believe you know and we are headed for divorce. Her reasons do not make sense to me, if it was not for the kids I wish I never had met her. She is mean, rude and treats me like crap and she does not care. I do not deserve this but I am getting it. I have tried everything the "I love you, please come back" to no contact and in my case nothing worked. She has her wiring messed up and is like a serial killer that feels no remorse for what they have done and even enjoy the pain they inflict. Now with that said I want to give you my opinion on your situation based on everything you have said. To me, it looks like he has all the power and knows it. He decides when you talk, when he comes over, when he has sex with you, when he has sex with this other gal. He decides when he calls etc etc. He sounds less depressed and more like he is having the time of his life. My advice is to cut him off no matter what, do not let him in your circle. I know its hard, believe me, read my posts!! But in this case I think that if you stop letting him do what he is doing, then you will have a result. Maybe not the one you want but a result. Meaning he will either miss you and stop his antics or will stay away, I know you don't want that but right now you are being used. My wife has that power over me, we talk when she decides, I see the girls when she decides on and on and I know that she enjoys it. The only thing that I have is the kids do seem to prefer to be with me and my son lives with me and wont talk to his mom because of her behavior. She says that it hurts her but she does not change. With court coming fast it might make all this mute but if you are given a chance to have more time try what I am saying and see what happens. I will follow your posts, please keep us updated..

Sports.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

D*mnit! I just typed a response and it disappeared. Crap! I'll come back and type it later I guess.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sportsman,
Hi and thank you for your response. I haven’t talked to him in a week, no texts, no calls, nothing. I really appreciate all the advice on this board. Although it’s not always what I WANT to hear, it’s what I NEED to hear. I’m trying really hard. It sucks, and it hurts, it’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever been through but I really am trying hard…it has to be done at this point. I don’t want to be used, a doormat, or any other “insert adjective here.”

You know my hubby said one of the things that he always found attractive about me was that I was my independence. Wow I’ve done a great job at showing that lately haven’t I? I am not codependent, it’s just really hard to watch someone you love walk away without kicking and screaming and running after them and fighting with all your might. 

But at this point each and every one of you is right. I’m letting him call the shots and he is in complete control. No more! Well that’s my goal anyway. I am a damn good woman. He will realize his loss one day and that sucks for him. But I never gave him a reason to leave, nor did he ever tell me anything was wrong nor give me the opportunity to fix what if anything was wrong so I guess it’s whatever right now. I love the man dearly and he will figure out the grass is not greener, and Karma truly is a b*tch. Bless his sole. The only thing I’m “hoping” for at this point is a sincere apology one day. I would love to have him back and to mend whatever went “wrong” in the first place or just start over, but I’m not going to lie. I just don’t see that happening right now because of the OW he’s started “dating” here recently so I’m not hanging on the edge. Unless there’s some unforseen miracle coming my way soon. I’m just going to have to push through. I love him and miss him so much. But must keep going…one foot in front of the other. 

I’m just at a breaking point. On top of this whole confusing divorce leaving whatever bullsh*t that’s taking place. I’m broke as h*ll. I have $60 to my name it sucks. My daughter wants a haircut and I can’t even afford that  I feel like such a crappy Mom right now. I had to replace two tires because somehow I wound up w/a screw the size of Texas in one and you can’t just replace one. I have people calling about bills. On top of that my car was broken into the night before last. They took my subwoofer and my bowling bag. Don’t care about the sub easily replaceable. But why you gotta take my bowling stuff?! Really?! Come on now. That’s my only hobby at the moment of which I can afford, it’s the one thing that I get to do w/my Dad that’s my time w/him. Thank you whomever did this. The stuff in that bag was worth 2x’s if not more than that piece of stereo equipment you took and the bowling stuff meant a lot more. 
Then to TOP that off. I can no longer go to therapy because I can’t afford it. I must come up with a $300 deductible first. Not going to happen w/the $60 in my pocket. So there goes that. Oh well. I am going to go see the psychiatrist or my GP to get on some temp anti-depressants though as the therapist and I both think that is still necessary.

Well there’s my update. I’m a little down today and yes I miss him. But right now he’s in no shape to be in my life. 

Much love and again thanks for all the responses and advice.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

You're doing the right thing Rhea although it does hurt to not communicate. It's hard but better this than being a doormat. I understand about your finances too, as I am having the same problems. It really is a shame that you have to go thru all the insanity of a broken marriage, but to deal with financial difficulties too. I can't work due to disability so I am in some dire straights here and my stbx knows this, but doesn't give a crap! He is a sorry excuse of a man, for sure! It really helps me see who he is clearly and that isn't the kind of person I want back in my life! 

When all your feelings are getting the best of you, just come here and post to us. Maintain the NC with him. Hugs!!!!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ahhh...sigh. So here I am in my own little spot on good old TAM to vent and diary and what not.

So if you didn't read my other post in the general discussion forum you don't know that I had to call the DH yesterday. Big bank debaucle. Ugh! Saturday would have been 2 weeks NC. Not that I don't want to talk to him, and I'm really not excited that it would have been 2 weeks. But was proud of myself for holding out that long. Anyway so the bank debaucle was solved. DH had to bring by a check to solve it and w/him he brought meat. LOL! :rofl: Yes folks he came by brought the check we talked for almost 2 hrs and he was like BTW I brought you some meat...uh...thanks :scratchhead: Went to the bank came back checked the freezer and yep meat lol. A huge roast, 2lbs of bacon and about 4-5 lbs of hamburger. Yum. Odd but yum. As a matter of fact I make a d*mn good pot roast and there's one brewin on slow in the crock right now. Will be ready right around 545pm when I get home from work tomorrow. 

Man I wish I had some BL Lime in the fridge would love a cold one right now. 

Anyway so we talked, very friendly, no arguing, still confused. DH VERY confused. You can tell by the way he speaks, reacts, doesn't react or is silent. Still reiterates to me you did NOTHING wrong.  I say ok. The OW is out of the pic (that's a whole different tabloid we'll leave that one at the grocery store). But anyway I'm like ok, well I just hope you're happy out there. He leaves says he WILL call, I capitalize will because he emphasized it. I say well I used to hang on that statement but I'm just going to let you prove me wrong and when the phone rings then wrong I'm proven. He says ok I'm going to. Before he leaves we talk about us, he talks about some things going on w/him. That dear man is so confused in his head heart and sole, not just about me, but just life in general you can tell his mind and heart are carrying a heavy load at the moment. 

Please don't get me wrong I'm not sitting here hanging on a thread for him to come back. Now wouldn't really be the time for that. I've come to be honest w/myself and I believe he really needs this time as much as it sucks for me to not be included in this time he needs it. DH and I are very good friends will remain so even after this. I asked him to please be nicer or just hang up the phone if he can't be (he says mean things when I push to far, ask to many questions. I'm in no way justifying it but he just gets diarreah of the mouth and if he can't answer what you ask he gets pissed). He apologized sincerely for the mean "meaningless" statements. Which made me feel awesome.

Anyway I come out of this last interaction surprisingly calm. Missing the hell out of him still because d*mn what a connection we have. But I told him what I told myself. I love you and I want you but I won't beg you and I can't fix you just as you can't fix me. I pray God brings us back together if and when the time is right. Once you fix what you say you need to and you pull said head out of your a$$ (complete sarcasm, don't worry he laughed too) I said but d*mn baby don't wait till I'm 80 ok? LOL. More laughter from the two of us. Then he left on a calm note. Yay. Don't worry guys I'm not sitting around waiting for the world to change tomorrow I'm just excited that my best friend still exists and we interracted peacefully and it reminded me of less stressful times. 

Have a good weekend everyone. Much love & hugs to you all. You guys are all awesome!
Rhea :bounce:


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I would like to request a switch to be installed in me, one where I can just turn everything off
not care, 
not miss, 
not long for, 
not love, 
not think about, 
everything... all of it...


(#@*#@$*(&%^&^&#^$* :redcard:

this sucks.


----------



## rowena (Jun 20, 2009)

I totally agree with i wish there was a button so we can stop thinking about them. I still dont know how to do that myself, i'm still working on it too. Keep being strong though, i wish i can be as strong as you.


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I'll take one too

Aww Rhea reading all that tore we all to pieces. I really hurt for you, and I wish my wife loved me as strongly as you loved your husband. Its truly remarkable.

Its good to see your getting a little bit calmer about all this. Just that alone might help too. He still needs to realize alot, but with space you have been giving him it appears the gears in his head are a turnin!

Lifes really just not fair. I deserved some of what I got, but by the sounds of it you really didnt.

take care Rhea.

ohh BTW: the whole meat thing agve me the first laugh I had in weeks. That was really something to read.lol:smthumbup:


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

rowena said:


> I totally agree with i wish there was a button so we can stop thinking about them. I still dont know how to do that myself, i'm still working on it too. Keep being strong though, i wish i can be as strong as you.


It takes time and plenty of it, and trust me I have one strong day followed by about 5 weak ones 

I didn't find this site until about 5 months into my separation now divorce so alot of my story has gone untold, in essence you got the nutshell version and then the events that have happened from there since I've joined. 

I'm trying to be strong but gosh darnit I freaking love this man, I miss him so so so much  Lost my best friend, my lover, the man I looked forward to waking up to coming home to all of it. He's so close yet so far away, sometimes it's like I can see him missing me too and other times it's like he doesn't miss me at all. We still talk which I do enjoy but w/that enjoyment comes sorrow because I only have part of him and used to have all of him. 

Call me the eternal optomist or call me the woman who tells herself what she needs to hear to make it through another day. But I do honestly believe if it's meant to be it will find away...today, tomorrow, or sometime in the future. I'll honestly admit althogh I love him and miss him he does posses some qualities at the moment that aren't very flattering but don't we all...ugh I'm trying to be positive but hell I'm not going to lie I'm miserable. Such is life, stands you up straight one day, kicks you in the ass the next. Lovely no?

One day after another I continue the march, sometimes I fall flat on my face though. Ugh. Love hurts bad. It can be beautiful but damn it can be ugly at sometimes too and those ugly times well hell they hurt to the core. 

Keep posting Rowena everyone's here for you me and the rest of us. I'm glad to have found those here to help me but it really hurts my heart to find so many people in so much pain


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> I'll take one too
> 
> Aww Rhea reading all that tore we all to pieces. I really hurt for you, and I wish my wife loved me as strongly as you loved your husband. Its truly remarkable.
> 
> ...


Hey there, glad it could make you smile. That's why I posted it. I found it a tad odd, but very sweet, but kinda funny, that's my man, you never know what you're going to get


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Rhea said:


> I'm glad to have found those here to help me but it really hurts my heart to find so many people in so much pain


It hurts, but at least were helping eachother through. Arent we fortunate to live in the intrenet age. Could you imagine....ugh

I understand the good days/bad days. Today was tough, but I have the kids all weekend and it warms my heart. I missed them so bad during the week.

What I do on the bad days ,when it feels like the walls are closing in, is to find a nice quiet place outdoors with no one around. I let me senses take in whats around me and find some comfort in mourning. I just about completely lost it last week, and just watching the tall grass sway in the breeze like waves on the sea brought me back from the edge. It didnt make it better, but it made it easier somehow.

I dunno, maybe thats just me. My wife would *never* have noticed such things, but I do.


----------



## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

Rhea, I feel a little bit better after reading your story. Thanks. Similar story except she is asking me to move out and she is saying that I don't care about her. I tried doing many things but apparently that's not what she wants. She is having depression and I really think whether this is the real reason and not because of our marriage. I am also trying to NC but because of the "not care about her" comment....I am so lost as to what I should do


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

So...tomorrow is court day...never done this before, no lawyers involved, don't know what's going to happen, haven't heard from DH stbx w/e since Thursday, not nervous...yet. Deeply saddened but not much I can do about it now. Anyone here done this before? What should I expect? Help


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Best wishes for you tomorrow. I'll be there one day too. It's hard to let a loved one go


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Good luck to you Rhea, big hugs. Hang in there and be strong. Looks like I'm heading that way very very fast. It's all very sad and not sure we will ever really get over the loss of the ones we're losing now. I know it will get easier but that's a long time coming for me.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Looooooooong time. Feels so wrong. I wonder when I will start to feel better. I know I'm one helluva woman, I know it's his loss at the moment but I'm losing as well. Not that he's the best man, but we all have faults. I don't know. Weird feeling, doesn't feel like the end to me. I told him that (should have kept it to myself but oh well) such is life. It really doesn't. Feels like a hiatus needed to be done. But I could be wrong. Oh so very wrong. I can't predict the future I just know I wish I could take away tomorrow. Hearts breaking. Trying to hold it together. I will tomorrow if it takes every ounce of me I have. Well at least I'll try my damndest and I'm going into that courthouse looking like a damn rockstar so watch out. Man I love him. As if that isn't obvious. Sucks, thats how this is it sucks. Must soldier on though. Crying like a baby ain't gonna make it go away or hell it'd have been long gone by now.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I here you Rhea I really do. I think that not feeling it's really over feeling is just us thinking of the good times and wanting those back. I really don't think it's legitimate hope if you know what I mean. They could all just make a decision and stop everything and turn around the other way. Sadly that rarely happens you know.

I can say that I do love my wife but it's just so far gone at this point that I really feel sorry for the position that she's put herself in financially. My love is now turning away and not so strong at this point. 

Hang in there girl you're a strong woman for sure.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yes I understand what you're saying. Yes you're right it's very rare. I say it doesn't feel like the end, but fact of the matter is he IS ending it. I can't say that I'm holding out hope, but something keeps me feeling connected. Maybe it will just go back to the great friendship before. Maybe everything will end all together. Whatever "it" may be everything does happen for a reason therefor whatever it "is" eventually I WILL make it through it. So life must go on. It will get better, but it will take time. But hell I've got all the time in the world now I suppose.


----------



## LOVETAKESWORK (Mar 9, 2009)

Dear Rhea, I have read your thread and am so sad to hear the struggles you have gone through with your husband. I recommend speaking to your husband before court tomorrow and both dismissing the motion for divorce. You obviously still love him and want your marriage not only to be restored but even better than it was and your husband obviously loves you but is emotionally immature and has a lot of growing to do before he is at a place that is functional for himself and for you. Divorce will only complicate this situation more than it is. Statistically separation rarely works and usually only adds to greater emotional separation which in turn leads to divorce. Tomorrow is actually a very special day for my wife and I as it is the date of our first date so many years ago, we try to always celebrate our love on the 25th of June as another Anniversary. Bless you dear one! I will be praying for your success in court tomorrow. Love Takes Work (a/k/a a sinner along this journey we call life fully dependent on God’s Love and Support)


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I hurt so very incredibly bad right now. I'm so sad. I have never felt so incredibly worthless and meaningless in my life. I'm so broken right now I only hope that I can put myself back together eventually. Everything felt so very wrong today. Very very very wrong. Oh man this is kicking my ass. Fiercly. Bless my supposed best friends soul the day this one kicks him in the ass...


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Here's a great big cyber HUG for you! Hang in there....


----------



## LOVETAKESWORK (Mar 9, 2009)

Dear Rhea, Hang on! You have obviously have exercised love in all your actions with your husband. Your life will come together, I am not to sure about your husband though, he appears to be on a very self-centered path. When you are up to it if you want too only can share what the outcome of today was? Praying for your success! Love Takes Work (a/k/a a sinner along this journey we call life fully dependent on God’s Love and Support)


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Keep your chin up Rhea. You're a good strong woman. You will find peace soon.

Remeber, you are not alone.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Chin must be up therefor the beer can enter...I'm enjoying liquid therapy to my heart's content this evening nothin stoppin it, I planned for it, I'm doin it, going to drown my sorrows in it and maybe later I'll write about what happened this morning.

You guys mean so much to me, thank you so much for your support and "therapy"

Love from Rhea


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hugs! Crying in beer totally allowed tonight!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hopefully it doesn't water down my alcohol d*mnit!


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)




----------



## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

Reading ur last few posts breaks my heart. I know all too well this feeling and just reading ur sadness brings back how I feel and have felt the past six months and it's a horrible feeling. I can't help but think that us woman who are suffering now and have stbx's that are livin it up, that we will someday very soon be the happy ones who have gotten over the pain and are internally more happy than ever and our stbx's will be livin with a painful life of regret and sadness that they gave up the best thing and they realized it too late. Either way girl, You have every right to drink and I think you deserve it and bless your broken heart. All this suffering won't be wasted! Just give it some time and cry and then cry some more until you start to feel better. Good luck to you


----------



## gw326 (Jul 1, 2009)

Sportsman said:


> My wife is doing to me exactly what your husband did to you. Never spoke to me about problems, never went to couseling, blames me for everything, wont talk to me, wont work on us, acts like this whole thing is just a day in the life, only thinks about herself and her needs not mine or my kids. Sorry you are dealing with this I know how it hurts.


Sounds oddly similar to my situation


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I'm about ready to start drinking with ya Rhea!


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Hey TMT, kegger at KK's house! I need to come here and post how the big D day went...I'm working up to it. Just don't feel like talking about it at the moment. Maybe later this evening. It's been a week I could probably do it now...maybe.


----------

