# Wife is paranoid



## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Hey all, this is my first post, Ive been lurking about for a while now and thought I would attempt to get some abvice with my problem

Basically my wife and I have been married just over a year now. There is a bit of an age gap between us, I am 25 and she is just about to turn 40. I mention this because I believe it to be the main contributor to our marriage problems. 

My wife is completely paranoid that I will cheat on her and leave her, she has to check my phone, email, facebook, etc several times a day. I have given her every password I have and tried to be understanding, even though this can be a real pain. If we are watching tv and a younger women is on screen she accuses me of checking her out.

I love her and want this marriage to work, but her hangups are killing it. We have a 2 year old little boy who we both adore, the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Any advice on how I can make her better, feel safe in our marriage? I would really appreciate it, thank you for reading guys


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I can't relate personally because although I married an older woman, our age gap is 11 months. I think there are a few issues here that could have caused your wife to suddenly become insecure - which I'm sure you already thought of anyways. The age gap itself is a concern because she'll wonder why you aren't with someone your age - especially since you will still be in your prime basically while her looks start to fade. Is she hung up on appearance or is she naturally vain? Another factor is the magical age of 40, where a number of people go nuts because of attaining this milestone in their lives. She may feel that she doesn't feel young anymore and will need you to give positive feedback on her appearance all the time. Just some ideas that came from the top of my head.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I can't relate personally because although I married an older woman, our age gap is 11 months. I think there are a few issues here that could have caused your wife to suddenly become insecure - which I'm sure you already thought of anyways. The age gap itself is a concern because she'll wonder why you aren't with someone your age - especially since you will still be in your prime basically while her looks start to fade. Is she hung up on appearance or is she naturally vain? Another factor is the magical age of 40, where a number of people go nuts because of attaining this milestone in their lives. She may feel that she doesn't feel young anymore and will need you to give positive feedback on her appearance all the time. Just some ideas that came from the top of my head.


Thanks so much for replying, she has lacked a bit of confidence since I have known her, she has never Been vain at all. 

The age gap is causing her more problems than me, it's a major contributor to her paranoid beliefs. She literally can't stand me interacting with younger women in any way, I'm talking about every day situations, we go for a meal and a young server takes are order, things like that can set her off. 

We have a young child and and I think she feels she hasn't quite lost her pregnancy weight, she's hung up about that. I complement her on her appearance every day, I hope we can get over this, it's spoiling the fact she is a fantastic mom and wife


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

"I thought that when we agreed to get married, you were mature enough to handle our age difference and that it wouldn't matter to you. We love each other and want to spend our lives together raising a family. Your paranoia about us is pushing me away. Is that what you want? I want us, I want our family... but I cannot continue to constantly reassure you that this is what I want. You have to believe it in order for us to work. What do you want to do?"

I think I would approach her along these lines. Not to put words in your mouth, but I think you need to make a declaration and then move forward from that. Let her know that this is not how you want to spend your life with her in the most direct but loving way.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> "I thought that when we agreed to get married, you were mature enough to handle our age difference and that it wouldn't matter to you. We love each other and want to spend our lives together raising a family. Your paranoia about us is pushing me away. Is that what you want? I want us, I want our family... but I cannot continue to constantly reassure you that this is what I want. You have to believe it in order for us to work. What do you want to do?"
> 
> I think I would approach her along these lines. Not to put words in your mouth, but I think you need to make a declaration and then move forward from that. Let her know that this is not how you want to spend your life with her in the most direct but loving way.



It's more or less a conversation I have had with her, I have tried to convince her that the age gap dosnt matter to me, that I wouldn't have married her and starting a family if I wasn't sure about the relationship, she comes round, but then gets set off my the silliest things. 

She also apologises all the time, she knows deep down I love her, but can't stop herself from almost constant checking up on me. She will phone my work multiple times just to check I'm there, don't get me wrong, I love hearing from her and would never want to discourage her from contacting me at time, but deep down iknow she's checking up on me. 

She will say things like " how can you find me attractive", which really hurt me as I also tell her how much I fancy her, how sexy she is, she won't just accept it.

I'm dreading next week when I have to go away for the weekend due to work commitments, I will have to stay at a hotel for three nights. And apart from the fact I will miss my family, I know she will accuse me of something. I just want her to get over these negative feelings.
How can I be a better husband for her? What can I do to make her feel better?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She will say things like " how can you find me attractive", which really hurt me as I also tell her how much I fancy her, how sexy she is, she won't just accept it


As much as you would like to, you can't fix this. The questions. The insecurities... she has to fix it. She probably needs to be in therapy for it to be honest.

It could be attention seeking behavior too. She doesn't understand that her neediness is unattractive, and driving you away rather than keeping you close to her.

I have an idea, but I'm not sure if it would make her worse or not. When she asks questions like that, don't answer them the way you normally would. Either say nothing or something along the lines of 'you know how I feel about you' and then change the subject. If she persists, don't respond. See if this modifies her behavior at all.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unless she seeks counseling to stop this needy/suspicious behavior I don't see this ending well for either of you. She will yes eventually drive you away which is the very thing she fears.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Not to disagree with what's been said, but something that MIGHT help... Do you show her significant affection in front of these other women? To her that would be showing them that you love her and are happy with her. That's what I want from my husband.

just a thought.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Not to disagree with what's been said, but something that MIGHT help... Do you show her significant affection in front of these other women? To her that would be showing them that you love her and are happy with her. That's what I want from my husband.
> 
> just a thought.


I try to, it's not any effort on my part because I love holding her hand and hugging etc, she's an amazing wife and mother when she allows herself to enjoy our marriage instead of indulging in negative thoughts. I just want desperately to make her happier


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> I just want desperately to make her happier


You can't do this and the sooner you realize this the better.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You can't do this and the sooner you realize this the better.


I can try and suggest we go to mc together, but I'm scared she will see this as me wanting to 
Eave her or something


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Wrongdoer said:


> I can try and suggest we go to mc together, but I'm scared she will see this as me wanting to
> Eave her or something


Well you are thinking along those lines aren't you? I mean you can't do this dance with her for life. It's dysfunctional. I would suggest the counseling, say you both need it... she needs it for her insecurities and you to help her with those insecurities.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Well I intend to try and convince her to come to mc with me. I hope she dosnt take it the wrong way, she just sent me a lovely text MSG, why can't she always be like this and just trust me


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Wrongdoer said:


> I am 25 and she is just about to turn 40. I mention this because I believe it to be the main contributor to our marriage problems.


WD, I doubt very much that the age gap is the main problem. What you are describing is likely a strong fear of abandonment that is based partly on low self-esteem and a lack of "object contancy," i.e., an inability to recognize that the loved one's personality and feelings are fairly constant from week to week. If that is the case, your W has an impaired ability to trust you -- which would have surfaced repeatedly even if you two were the same age.

My exW, for example, has such an impairment and thus was paranoid and jealous over inconsequential events. My foster son also has a lack of object constancy, resulting in him calling me long distance every day to say hello. We talk for two minutes. That is enough for him to realize that he is still an important part of my life even though we live a 1,000 miles apart.

To find out if that is what you are dealing with, it is important to see a clinical psychologist -- NOT a MC -- for a visit or two on your own. If you can get your W to go to another psychologist, that is fine too -- but it should be a psych who is separate from the one you are consulting. 

I say this because relying on your W's psych for advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney's advice during a divorce. Like attorneys, psychologists and other therapists are ethically bound to protect their patients -- not the spouses. This distinction is important because, if a personality disorder is involved, it often is in the patient's best interests to NOT be told the name of the disorder. Your own psych, however, would feel free to tell you because he is bound to protect your best interests. Take care, WD.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your wife is paranoid because she's older and wiser. At 25 you are still a very young man regardless of how responsible and mature you appear outwardly. While I'm sure she enjoys your youngness quite a bit now she knows that when you're around 28 you will begin to reevaluate your life as most people do. She may recognize the various stages of life that you have yet to identify because she's seen it first hand. Do you really understand the physical and mental differences between a 50 year old women and a 35 year old man? Are you prepared to see her go through menopause 10 years before you enjoy your mid life crisis? That's what she's got in the back of her mind and knows it's only a matter of time before you begin to desire someone your own age or younger. You already knew this?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think she went in with her eyes open, and because of her age should have taken all of the changes and differences into account before saying YES.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Your wife is paranoid because she's older and wiser. At 25 you are still a very young man regardless of how responsible and mature you appear outwardly. While I'm sure she enjoys your youngness quite a bit now she knows that when you're around 28 you will begin to reevaluate your life as most people do. She may recognize the various stages of life that you have yet to identify because she's seen it first hand. Do you really understand the physical and mental differences between a 50 year old women and a 35 year old man? Are you prepared to see her go through menopause 10 years before you enjoy your mid life crisis? That's what she's got in the back of her mind and knows it's only a matter of time before you begin to desire someone your own age or younger. You already knew this?


I understand with the age gap why she might think that way, but I havmt given her any reason to feel that way. When she isn't being paranoid we are a happy family. 

I tell her how great she looks all the time, it kills me to think she is driving herself crazy with worry about our marriage. I knew what I was getting into when we had a child and got married


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

You should take a good look at more of Uptowns posts. It isn't as simple as stated by others...wish it was...read thru his posts...trust me...I wish you well....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If she's paranoid and it's bugging her then she needs to figure out how to deal. If it's bugging you because she's paranoid and you are jumping through many unusual and awkward hoops trying this and that to get her to stop feeling paranoid, you need to re-center and be who you are, and allow her to deal. Otherwise you will get locked into possibly a lifetime of accommodating energy and that's just not what marriage is about.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's a difference, albeit subtle, between paranoia and being a control freak. How you considered she's just being a bully to control you?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> There's a difference, albeit subtle, between paranoia and being a control freak. How you considered she's just being a bully to control you?


She's a really caring person, she is no bully. That's the hard thing to take, she is general an amazing wife and mother, but let's her imagination run away with things

When we first got together she wasn't bothered about our age gap, but since we got married she has become worried all the time. She has it in her head I'm going to run off with someone younger


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Just a quick update, tried to talk to her last night abbot our issues. Suggested we maybe go to some therapy. I asked her did she have a problem with our age gap. She said she just can't stop worrying about me going off her because she is older. I told this wasn't going to happen.

I'm hoping she will talk to someone about her insecurities, she admitted to me last night she knows I havnt been unfaithful to her but still worries that it will happen in the future.


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## Viovet (Aug 3, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> Just a quick update, tried to talk to her last night abbot our issues. Suggested we maybe go to some therapy. I asked her did she have a problem with our age gap. She said she just can't stop worrying about me going off her because she is older. I told this wasn't going to happen.
> 
> I'm hoping she will talk to someone about her insecurities, she admitted to me last night she knows I havnt been unfaithful to her but still worries that it will happen in the future.



I am no expert in this, but wondering if it might be continued baby blues or even postpartum depression. Even if your wife is of the same age as you, she might still develop paranoid behavior after giving birth to your son, as feeling herself less attractive than before. Many women experience this and the lasting time varies.

Now she is turning 40 soon, that is huge for women in many different ways. Less self-esteem might grow up and insecurities suddenly come from nowhere. She loves you and thinks she does not deserve you, which is not the truth but cant help thinking in this way. More importantly she is basically considering your leaving and staying as something all determined by herself. She might be ignoring the fact that you love her, buried in the feeling that she is no longer attractive as a women. She knows you love her, but it is not gonna help. Because it is not what you are doing that affect her thoughts. Even if you surround her every minute, she is still insecure.

I think talking to professionals will help, and she has to admit that she needs help to get out of this. Stand by her and help her during this process, I believe you two can work it out


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

I have thought it could be extended baby blues, but it's hard to explain, it's not like she depressed, she is amazing with our son, and generally a fantastic wife. 

She does get down on herself, and does feel really threatened by younger women. Even though she has no reason too at all. I hope we can work this out


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would just let her snoop all she wants. After a while, when she keeps finding nothing she will get tired of it and stop. It really is an exhausting thing to do. There should be transparency in marriage. I believe that spouses should have each others passwords and never do anything on line that their spouse cannot see/read/

It's her comments about the women on TV... that sot of behavior is very controlling and distrubing. She needs individual counseling and the two of you need to go to marriage counseling.

She has good reason to be concerned about a young husband losing interest in her. Our society is such that we do not handle this sort of male/female age difference well.

My exh and I were 6 years apart with me being the older. It never entered into our problems. Now we had loads of them.. with him cheating, computer games, etc but not age difference was not the problem.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I would just let her snoop all she wants. After a while, when she keeps finding nothing she will get tired of it and stop. It really is an exhausting thing to do. There should be transparency in marriage. I believe that spouses should have each others passwords and never do anything on line that their spouse cannot see/ difproblem.


Yeah I have started to do this, she has all my passwords for everything, I just leave my phone lying about so she can check it when she wants. It has improved things slightly in that she admits she knows I havnt been unfaithful, but worries I will be, if that makes sense.

This weekend has been tough though as I am away for work related stuff. She isn't coping to well. I have phoned her as much as I can to make her feel more comfortable. It upsets me so much that she puts herself through this. Add to that the fact that I hate being away from my wife and child and I'm not a happy camper right now


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She has good reason to be concerned about a young husband losing interest in her. Our society is such that we do not handle this sort of male/female age difference problem.


She dosnt need to worry about me losing interest in her, I think about her all the time. She does sometimes worry about what other people think which causes some problems. 

This weekend has been hell so far what with me being away for work


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

I have decided that ic for my wife or mc is now a must. I have to get her to see that she has a faithful husband who isn't going to cheat on her. This weekend has been very tough.

I hope she responds to this in a positive way. Would me moving out for a short while help? I need her to see this is serious


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

It sounds like her self esteem has bottomed out after having a baby. You really need to say very clearly to her that her behaviour is pushing you away and she does need IC or she is risking the marriage. You can not fix her, she must do this for herself and for your marriage.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> It sounds like her self esteem has bottomed out after having a baby. You really need to say very clearly to her that her behaviour is pushing you away and she does need IC or she is risking the marriage. You can not fix her, she must do this for herself and for your marriage.


Exactly, I have tried to make her trust me, I have been there for her but this is something she needs to do for herself. Last time I brought up counselling she thought it was all about me wanting to leave her and she broke down. I'm wondering if it might take a shock for her to react to this


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It's simple.
She's afraid you'll fall into young and fresh girls of your age. 
Actually this age gap is really weird to me because it's hard for a 40 year old female to feel young next to a 25 year old guy. 

When she gets older I wonder if you'll find her attractive any longer. The more time goes by the more jealous and concerned she will get.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> It's simple.
> She's afraid you'll fall into young and fresh girls of your age.
> Actually this age gap is really weird to me because it's hard for a 40 year old female to feel young next to a 25 year old guy.
> 
> When she gets older I wonder if you'll find her attractive any longer. The more time goes by the more jealous and concerned she will get.


I hope this isn't the case. We fell in love and I don't think age comes into it at first. Since we got married and started a family her concerns have got more serious I want this marriage to work as I love her


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

We had a big talk this evening. I told her how much her accusing hurts me. Suggested she talk to a councillor about her insecurities. I feel a bit better now, she wants to stop with the insecurity as well and just get on with our marriage. Hope she can do this


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> It's simple.
> She's afraid you'll fall into young and fresh girls of your age.
> Actually this age gap is really weird to me because it's hard for a 40 year old female to feel young next to a 25 year old guy.
> 
> When she gets older I wonder if you'll find her attractive any longer. The more time goes by the more jealous and concerned she will get.


:iagree: We're both 45, and my W's insecurities seem to keep ramping up with age. She's flat-out told me several times that she thinks I'm on the prowl for a younger (younger than W) woman.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I have friends with a large age gap. A little over 20 years, he is the younger one. They have a pretty good relationship, and no major problems. They have been married 16 years. Hope your wife realizes that it can be done, and she finds a way to overcome her insecurity.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> Hey all, this is my first post, Ive been lurking about for a while now and thought I would attempt to get some abvice with my problem
> 
> Basically my wife and I have been married just over a year now. There is a bit of an age gap between us, I am 25 and she is just about to turn 40. I mention this because I believe it to be the main contributor to our marriage problems.
> 
> ...



This is really tough. It sounds like your wife has some major issues with paranoia--has she ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? I ask because this type of paranoia about partners often comes with paranoid personality disorder (my mother has this, so I've spent my life observing it). 

Have you two done therapy together? Does she recognize that her jealousy is excessive? 

This is a really tough situation. I think it's important to remember that ultimately, you can't really control another person's ideas; she may still have this paranoia no matter what you do to soothe her. It sounds like something she needs to work on with a therapist, but she might not see it as a problem. 

I wish you luck!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Unless she is Madonna, then any woman in your wife's shoes would feel the same way, OP[considering the _huge_ age gap]. 
What she's going through is normal.

Things would be different if you weren't married, but instead were enjoying a relationship with no strings attached. Actually, she would feel much younger and her confidence would be very high.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> :iagree: We're both 45, and my W's insecurities seem to keep ramping up with age. She's flat-out told me several times that she thinks I'm on the prowl for a younger (younger than W) woman.


My wife is the same, always on about me wanting someone my age. Can't get it in her head that I want her!!


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> I have friends with a large age gap. A little over 20 years, he is the younger one. They have a pretty good relationship, and no major problems. They have been married 16 years. Hope your wife realizes that it can be done, and she finds a way to overcome her insecurity.


Thats really good to hear, thank you. I I have confidence that we can make this marriage work, I just want my wife to start having confidence in herself


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Unless she is Madonna, then any woman in your wife's shoes would feel the same way, OP[considering the _huge_ age gap].
> What she's going through is normal.
> 
> Things would be different if you weren't married, but instead were enjoying a relationship with no strings attached. Actually, she would feel much younger and her confidence would be very high.


I can understand that, but I wouldn't call the age gap huge. I'm proud to be her husband asnshe is an attractive wonderful person. She just has a lot of insecurities


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lettre said:


> This is really tough. It sounds like your wife has some major issues with paranoia--has she ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? I ask because this type of paranoia about partners often comes with paranoid personality disorder (my mother has this, so I've spent my life observing it).
> 
> Have you two done therapy together? Does she recognize that her jealousy is excessive?
> 
> ...


Imtrying to get us into some mc or ic for her, I think that would be a major step forward, I don't want her to think of it as a negative, but rather a further commitment from me for our marriage. 

She does realize that she is jealous and nearly always apologises after the event. She lacks confidence in herslf


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife really IS paranoid and what I get out of her vis a vis is not so much worry I'll leave her, as "you'll be sorreeee!"

THAT'S paranoia.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

For her upcoming 40th birthday my natural instinct would be to make a big fuss of her, but at the same time I don't want to make a big deal out of it if she is feeling even more insecure about turning 40. I want to show her how special she is though. 

I truly hope she can get over this age thing and just see me as her husband rather than a younger person who will leave her.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

For her birthday thinking of taking her away for the weekend, with our son because we both wouldn't want to be without him. Hoping that some good family time will be just what she needs


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Just a quick update on my situation. My wife has since turned 40, we went away with our son for a few days, had a good time. Did a lot of talking, she has admitted that she is still worried I will cheat or leave her. I'm trying my best to convince her that the age gap do ant bother me and that I love her. She has agreed to go to ic, I really hope that this can help her. 

The other day she saw a text on my phone to a girl I work with. She accused me of having an affair, couldn't believe it as we had been doing better.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> Just a quick update on my situation. My wife has since turned 40, we went away with our son for a few days, had a good time. Did a lot of talking, she has admitted that she is still worried I will cheat or leave her. I'm trying my best to convince her that the age gap do ant bother me and that I love her. She has agreed to go to ic, I really hope that this can help her.
> 
> The other day she saw a text on my phone to a girl I work with. She accused me of having an affair, couldn't believe it as we had been doing better.


The age gap doesn't bother you now because she's just 40 and still fresh.
When she reaches her 50s or past that while you'll be 35, you'll see the difference and might end up looking for younger women.
Hardly do I think you'll have the same sexual attraction about your wife 10-20 years from now , unless she is Madonna or Sharon Stone.

Your wife worries about the future, not about the present. 
I don't blame her.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> The age gap doesn't bother you now because she's just 40 and still fresh.
> When she reaches her 50s or past that while you'll be 35, you'll see the difference and might end up looking for younger women.
> Hardly do I think you'll have the same sexual attraction about your wife 10-20 years from now , unless she is Madonna or Sharon Stone.
> 
> ...


I do understand all that, but shouldn't she trust that I married her and I want to be with her? Why would I risk messing my family up. I want my son to grow up with both his parents in a good relationship, something I never had.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> I do understand all that, but shouldn't she trust that I married her and I want to be with her? ., something I never had.


Ideally she _should_ trust you and _wants_ to trust you.
Realistically and logically, she _can't_ trust you. 
The chances are that you'll change your views about your wife in the future. What you want now about the kids/family/wife might end up changing in the years to come.



> Why would I risk messing my family up?
> I want my son to grow up with both his parents in a good relationship


Tell me, who goes in marriage thinking they want to mess their family up? Who doesn't want to have their kids grow up in a good family with both parents?

The truth is that, everybody wants what you want but the course of life might change your attitude about your view marriage/kids/wife. 
You said you are 25? oh well...you've got a whole life ahead of you and you'll mature even more by the time you reach your 30s. You'll see things from a different angle. 

I wish you good luck though!


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

I need her trust though, more than anything. I want her to feel confident. I feel like she's just waiting for me to make a mistake. I love her very much, love being married to her, couldn't wish for a better mother for my son. Why can't she just relax and enjoy our marriage. 

I don't think age should come into it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wrongdoer said:


> I do understand all that, but shouldn't she trust that I married her and I want to be with her? Why would I risk messing my family up. I want my son to grow up with both his parents in a good relationship, something I never had.


(some )Women are nuts!! She is fishing for validation. Stop apologizing and confirming her behavior. Stop the discussion immediately if she does that. Mention that her allegations are insulting to you and your commitment to the marriage. And her constant paranoia will end the marriage even before any affair can.

Ask her how she would feel if you would constantly accuse of infidelity with "mature" men who are more world wise than you and have much more money than you have now. Maybe do that for a couple of days(accuse her) just to give her a perspective(esp:, if she is hard headed). Then tell her that she is destroying the marriage bit by bit by her


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> (some )Women are nuts!! She is fishing for validation. Stop apologizing and confirming her behavior. Stop the discussion immediately if she does that. Mention that her allegations are insulting to you and your commitment to the marriage. And her constant paranoia will end the marriage even before any affair can.
> 
> Ask her how she would feel if you would constantly accuse of infidelity with "mature" men who are more world wise than you and have much more money than you have now. Maybe do that for a couple of days(accuse her) just to give her a perspective(esp:, if she is hard headed). Then tell her that she is destroying the marriage bit by bit by her


That's good advice, lately Ive been just walking away when ever she starts accusing me, which dosnt seem to help. The thing is she knows she is hurting us, but cant stop thinking I will cheat. 

Dosnt help that one of her friends husband has cheated and walked out on her. Just came out of the blue as well. 

I've started deliberately falling asleep downstairs lately as well because the accusations are getting to me. I know that may be a bit childish, she comes down the next morning not at all happy I didn't come to bed. But what can she expect? 

It's frustrating because she is genuinely I nice person, a great mother to our son, and when she allows herself to be happy we are great together.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

take her to a doctor.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

She needs professional help...you can't do it. Get her into counseling.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

dixieangel said:


> She needs professional help...you can't do it. Get her into counseling.


She has agreed to go to ic, I'm really hoping that this will help her relax and learn to trust me


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

partners with low self esteem issues act in this way (I suspect I do it frequently). Your W is thinking to herself "why would he ocik me when he has those to pick from(other younger models) then the head games kick in and she starts to think. This is something Ive learned and was supported by a mental health professional. When someone starts these head games it is a self destruct issue. It starts with why are they with me (the low self esteem issue) then it goes to who are these other people who are younger, better looking etc etc, then it becomes a point of what will happen if they make a play for him, then will he walk away or talk up the offer. You can see how the simple thought can start the "over thinking issue" and that is to a degree what is in place. You have already noted (well done) that you W has never been a vane person. Lets change vane for a more appropriate term "confident in herself". Her is the ***** in the armour. When people are not confident in themselves and in what they mean to a partner they doubt the reasons the partner is there. You are seeing your wife doing this all the time and in credit to you, you are trying to counter these negitive thoughts she has about herself. DONT give up on that misson, its a goood policy although a little tiring. On your work away trip - could you offer she comes to the place where your staying on one or two of the nights (her selection) to see you because youll miss her. This may re-enforce the nothing to hide process as she can turn up when ever and you are then not in aposition to be hiding. She will of course need to be happy you are tied up with work issues.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, it's all about self-esteem, and it's good that she's going to IC. Once your W has worked on this, hopefully she'll have a better perspective on things. 

Whether there's a 15 or 0 age difference in a relationship, the possibility of a partner cheating is always there. It has little to do with the age difference, but more the integrity of the individual.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP,* it's all about self-esteem,* and it's good that she's going to IC. Once your W has worked on this, hopefully she'll have a better perspective on things.
> 
> Whether there's a 15 or 0 age difference in a relationship, the possibility of a partner cheating is always there. *It has little to do with the age difference*, but more the integrity of the individual.


I have to disagree somehow.
*In this case*, the age difference is what brings the low-self esteem.
Rarely does a 40 year old woman feels sexually/physically confident in front of a 25 yo. guy, especially when she knows that there are younger chicks out there who would be better for this guy. 

She would feel better about herself if she married someone around her age or older.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I have to disagree somehow.
> *In this case*, the age difference is what brings the low-self esteem.
> Rarely does a 40 year old woman feels sexually/physically confident in front of a 25 yo. guy, especially when she knows that there younger chicks out there who would be better for this guy.
> 
> She would feel better about herself if she married someone around her age or older.


I'm a lot older than the OP's W and my partner is 15 years younger than me. The age percentage difference is less, in that we're both middle-aged, and I guess this does make a difference, but I can say that neither of us have ever noticed the age gap, nor has it threatened my self-esteem.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Pault said:


> partners with low self esteem issues act in this way (I suspect I do it frequently). Your W is thinking to herself "why would he ocik me when he has those to pick from(other younger models) then the head games kick in and she starts to think. This is something Ive learned and was supported by a mental health professional. When someone starts these head games it is a self destruct issue. It starts with why are they with me (the low self esteem issue) then it goes to who are these other people who are younger, better looking etc etc, then it becomes a point of what will happen if they make a play for him, then will he walk away or talk up the offer. You can see how the simple thought can start the "over thinking issue" and that is to a degree what is in place. You have already noted (well done) that you W has never been a vane person. Lets change vane for a more appropriate term "confident in herself". Her is the ***** in the armour. When people are not confident in themselves and in what they mean to a partner they doubt the reasons the partner is there. You are seeing your wife doing this all the time and in credit to you, you are trying to counter these negitive thoughts she has about herself. DONT give up on that misson, its a goood policy although a little tiring. On your work away trip - could you offer she comes to the place where your staying on one or two of the nights (her selection) to see you because youll miss her. This may re-enforce the nothing to hide process as she can turn up when ever and you are then not in aposition to be hiding. She will of course need to be happy you are tied up with work issues.


Thanks for this, it's good advice. I'm am trying my best to stay positive but it can be really difficult.

Her low self esteem is a big problem for us. She says she dosnt feel sexy anymore and worries that I'm put off by her age, which isn't the case at all. She covers herself up and we have sex with the light off. 

It's difficult for her to come with me on work trips because we have a young son. But it's an idea that I would be in favour off.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I have to disagree somehow.
> *In this case*, the age difference is what brings the low-self esteem.
> Rarely does a 40 year old woman feels sexually/physically confident in front of a 25 yo. guy, especially when she knows that there younger chicks out there who would be better for this guy.
> 
> She would feel better about herself if she married someone around her age or older.


To be honest I agree with you. I do believe that the age gap is at least in some way causing her to feel more insecure about herself. 

We havnt had sex for weeks now, mainly because I need to feel that she trusts me for me to be intimate with her. She takes this as me not wanting her anymore which couldn't be further from the truth


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I'm a lot older than the OP's W and my partner is 15 years younger than me. The age percentage difference is less, in that we're both middle-aged, and I guess this does make a difference, but I can say that neither of us have ever noticed the age gap, nor has it threatened my self-esteem.


You're an exception to the general rule.

Supposing your partner is 40 and you are 55 then this makes it a lot different from the OP's case.
You can't compare a 25 y.o guy to a 40 y.o man. The maturity levels are way different and as a result the way they see women differs.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> To be honest I agree with you. I do believe that the age gap is at least in some way causing her to feel more insecure about herself.
> 
> We havnt had sex for weeks now, mainly because I need to feel that she trusts me for me to be intimate with her. She takes this as me not wanting her anymore which couldn't be further from the truth


In one of your posts you said she covers herself when you get intimate and she turns off the light. I guess you edited it but her attitude shows typically a low self esteem as a result of the age difference.

Does she work out?
Has she gained a lot of weight? 
Does she get hit on by other men ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> The age gap doesn't bother you now because she's just 40 and still fresh.
> When she reaches her 50s or past that while you'll be 35, you'll see the difference and might end up looking for younger women.
> Hardly do I think you'll have the same sexual attraction about your wife 10-20 years from now , unless she is Madonna or Sharon Stone.
> 
> ...


It is a given that men cheat on older women ? Why did she marry him then?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> In one of your posts you said she covers herself when you get intimate and she turns off the light. I guess you edited it but her attitude shows typically a low self esteem as a result of the age difference.
> 
> Does she work out?
> Has she gained a lot of weight?
> Does she get hit on by other men ?


She has just started coming to the gym with me, she used to think I went there to check out girls my age, but now she is more comfortable with it. 

She has gained some weight, but not much at all, in fact I think she looks even better now. She's an attractive lady, I just wish she knew it.

For some reason she thinks she dosnt satisfy me physically, which isn't true at all. She hides her body and turns the lights off, it's the only way she can relax and enjoy herself.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> I have to disagree somehow.
> *In this case*, the age difference is what brings the low-self esteem.
> Rarely does a 40 year old woman feels sexually/physically confident in front of a 25 yo. guy, especially when she knows that there are younger chicks out there who would be better for this guy.
> 
> She would feel better about herself if she married someone around her age or older.


I do believe this is a stereo typical ideal and one i do not believe in.

My brother is a great role model for me that broke that ideal from a very early age for me, as he married a woman a good 10 years older than him that couldn't have children, they are still happily married 20 odd years later.

To OP you need to make her feel as desirable possible, if you can put your feelings of trust on the back burner, because that is causing a viscous circle, lets just face it actions speak louder than words, you by not having sex are perpetuating your situation.

What man goes with out sex with a wife he finds desirable, hmmm.

You need to fill her needs, prove it.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> It is a given that men cheat on older women ? Why did she marry him then?


It's not a given and it's not black and white.
It depends on the circumstances and the age difference.
You can't compare a woman 5 years older than her husband to a woman _15 _years older than the husband.
In the second case, _chances_ are that after some years the man might lose his sexual attraction for this woman. 
It doesn't mean it will happen but it _might_ happen and the _probability_ is high*er*.

EDIT: Also, the OP already said that his wife kind of admitted that she's worried he might want to check out younger girls. So we don't have to assume anything now. It's a fact and it proves what I said.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> For some reason she thinks she dosnt satisfy me physically, which isn't true at all. She hides her body and turns the lights off, it's the only way she can relax and enjoy herself.


What do you do to prove her you are attracted to her in many ways/shape/form ? 
Are you affectionate inside and outside the bedroom?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> What do you do to prove her you are attracted to her in many ways/shape/form ?
> Are you affectionate inside and outside the bedroom?


I give her compliments all the time. Always comment that she looks great. Lately I have been less physical with her for the reasons I have already outlined. I realise this is counter productive though


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Just an update for this thread. My wife has been going to IC for a couple of weeks now. She seems a bit more relaxed already, so the early signs are that it's having a positive impact on her. She hasn't accused me of anything for over a week now, and we are getting on much better. Just want to say thank you to those who suggested this to me, it's really helping. 

Still a long way to go till she learns to totally trust that I wont leave her or cheat on her.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Glad to hear this, Just remember to keep openess with her. Little and big things it doesnt matter just allow her to see everything clearly and trust will come


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Read your thread and happy to see she is getting help I'm sorry age gap or no age gap that is not normal for her to be accusing you that way, I'm happy for you she is receiving help because no matter what you would have done to make her feel better it wouldn't have mattered, I also get a sense that she may have been cheated on before? Did she have any past (negative) experiences ex bf's that cheated on her? (Possibly even father?)


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Or the opposite has she picked up or learned from someone that she feels all (men will cheat)? And not trying to stir the pot but sometimes I don't think this might be the case...but sometimes people accuse other people of doing things that they themselves are doing.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

krismimo said:


> Read your thread and happy to see she is getting help I'm sorry age gap or no age gap that is not normal for her to be accusing you that way, I'm happy for you she is receiving help because no matter what you would have done to make her feel better it wouldn't have mattered, I also get a sense that she may have been cheated on before? Did she have any past (negative) experiences ex bf's that cheated on her? (Possibly even father?)


Her best friends husband left her for a younger women, which I think made her a little uneasy.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

ok, so your wife is using her friends (unfortunate past) and lumping you in the same category. So this has nothing to do with you which I expected it to be this is her issues and her issues alone. It is not fair to you and your child if she truly is a good mother and wife she will also treat you with respect as her husband and father of her child, for the sake of her family and especially herself I hope she continues with getting help.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife is only 6 weeks older than me, but she does the same stuff to me. Except the checking out other women thing. She is pretty cool with that. But she checks my facebook and deletes women that are good looking. I really don't mind it because I am not doing anything wrong.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

ANOTHER one of my wife's friends has been cheated on by her husband, she called my wife last night crying on the phone. I know it sounds selfish but I hope this dosnt set my wife back with her jealousy and paranoia.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Your userid is Wrongdoer? And your wife is paranoid? Hmmm...


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Drover said:


> Your userid is Wrongdoer? And your wife is paranoid? Hmmm...


I feel like a wrongdoer because of her jealousy, but I'm not, if that makes sense.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

wrongdoer...... expect there to be a reaction as the lady friend has no doubt switch on some trigger. It will be acceptable to assume this. However, you can "get in first" with some supportive comments such as comments like "well Im here and for you and you only", "you've no worries here" Little supportive sounds will help. Also LISTEN TO HER. This is vital as she will hear her friends experiences, what the husband did etc and these will be a note for you to counter with supportive phrases all of which are your wife specific. Dont act out of the norm, this will trigger to think "Why". Is the lady friends H known to you, have you been in his company, these are things that will make your wife think "when they were together were they both cheating, looking to cheat" etc. Its a case of you being alert to what is happening beteween your wife and her friend.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Text her from work. Leave her little notes in the morning. Gay, but she'll feel special. Never look at other women not even to make fun of them. That will make her think you're shallow. Show constant appreciation. Remember what she says. Tell her you know what you got into, and you don't regret it. Tell her you're not a child. You're a man. When you're at the store, grab her a treat. I mean my boyfriend does this for me and I was incredibly secure with him though I'm generally an extremely insecure person.

Oh and tell her over and over and over how you hate cheaters.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

Pault said:


> wrongdoer...... expect there to be a reaction as the lady friend has no doubt switch on some trigger. It will be acceptable to assume this. However, you can "get in first" with some supportive comments such as comments like "well Im here and for you and you only", "you've no worries here" Little supportive sounds will help. Also LISTEN TO HER. This is vital as she will hear her friends experiences, what the husband did etc and these will be a note for you to counter with supportive phrases all of which are your wife specific. Dont act out of the norm, this will trigger to think "Why". Is the lady friends H known to you, have you been in his company, these are things that will make your wife think "when they were together were they both cheating, looking to cheat" etc. Its a case of you being alert to what is happening beteween your wife and her friend.


Well the friends husband is like 45, so a lot older than me, don't really hang out with him or anything but have met him a few times. Its set my wife back a little bit, but she is doing much better with the insecurity.


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