# How do I get the love I need? - Signed Beautiful Lonely Newlywed Wife



## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

So my husband is a GREAT guy! He may be a bit of a momma's boy but he is my very best friend <3 They always say it's great to marry your best friend, but I'm afraid I feel lonely because it seems like thats all we are at times. I've tried talking to him but we are both young and he's kinda..... slow on the maturity train even though he's approaching 30 more rapidly than he'd like. He always says he is giving me everything he has. I keep telling him not to try so hard, but to try the ways I show/tell him. He's VERY stubborn and only likes his own way, and when he tries his way it never works out for him and he just gets discouraged 

He is such a great guy but his self esteem is on the lower side. He uses comedy as relief. He's quite the funny man. Anyway... I need romance, more caressing... we always go at it like rabbits but of the few years we've been married(anniversary in just a few days) I don't think we've ever made love.

I don't think my husband has ever been in true mad love. I know he has loved. Is it possible that not everyone feels that "can't eat, can't breathe, can't sleep without you" kind of love? That... "I must yell out my love for you across every mountaintop"? 

He says he couldn't love me more. Both emotionally and physically. I find myself looking at other men. Sometimes thinking about doing things against my morals. I know I'm a very beautiful woman... very thick and busty too. Why can't he see me like other men do? Why can't he be one of those horny guys that can't look at me naked without touching me somewhere. Why isn't he blown away by my beauty? Why does he find it creepy to gaze lovingly into each others eyes?

I just feel like our love is dying because I'm not getting the things I need. He sometimes makes me feel like I'm ugly or worthless by his lack of constant affection. Don't get me wrong.... he does hold my hand, kiss me here and there(daily), and sleep with his arm "draped" over me, which he considers holding me. lol. I know I should be VERY lucky for even getting that much.... and I'm sorry for being selfish... but I'm just used to being thought of as differently.

Other guys say things to me that I want HIM to say to me. They make me feel certain ways that I want HIM to make me feel.

When I go to work for 12 hours, and he goes to work for 12 hours, I don't hear from him until he is on his way to come get me. Both of our jobs have TONS of downtime. I don't get a single text, message, or even call. On rare occasions I do... but still. 

I've talked to him about all of the above.... and he always just says he is trying. I do believe him and I have seen changes over the past 3 years.... but I'm just worried that I might do something stupid and selfish, just to feel the way I need to feel.

Those of you who have been married for a while.... is marriage supposed to feel like this? Just two people, that kiss, have sex, and do everything together, but aren't madly in love? I mean I'm madly in love with him, but it makes me feel so empty inside to not feel it back. Whatever happened to being a teenager.... so googly eyed over each other. Even the slightest touch driving your hormones wild. I didn't even know my husband when he was a teenager. His mom was never married and he never witnessed true love to my knowledge.

I'm so scared I'll never get what I need! I'm totally against cheating but the loneliness is overtaking me at times.

Can someone help me better understand how to get through to him? I've been praying and it does work, but it's taking foreverrrr!! 

Thank you all for reading!
-God Bless!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Welll - a few things - each person expresses their love in their own way - you say he does it his way, but if he would just do it the way you tell him to it would be ok, that's not really fair. Would you be ok with him telling him that you are getting disappointed in your expectations of what you should be getting from him because you aren't doing it the way he is showing you - and its your own fault? 

The paragraph about how beautiful and busty you are....yeah it comes across as totally narcissistic. Maybe he loves you for more than your body. DO NOT blame your wandering eye on your husband and pre-justify what you might let yourself do just to satisfy YOUR need to be worshipped. That's just low. Your already planning an affair.

Not everyone is comfortable with eye contact - especially if they have lower self esteem - this has nothing to do with you. You make it sound as if the only way he could ever meet your expectations is to be the equivalent of the gooey movie screen romance. I hate to tell ya - that's the movies not real life. Real life is dealing with a person as they are, not how you want them to be or change. You need to either grow up yourself and learn how what your husband is doing for you is how he expresses his love, or divorce and let him find someone willing to love him wholeheartedly for who he is and you can go find someone to worship you for your beauty.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Don't really agree with tngirl, I think you do need to be loved how you need to be loved. If you just want to be put on a pedestal, then just get over yourself. But to me it sounds like you are lacking a deep emotional connection with your husband, which I understand, had the same thing with my wife. I could have just spent every day lost in her, but she was like that for a while and then it went bye bye. Everything else was the priority. I was always the one phoning her, or sending email, or whatever. She rarely did the same for me, and it hurts and makes you feel unloved. About the only thing I can suggest is make sure you are telling him directly about how you feel, if he is like me then he won't pick up on sublte hinting, no matter how often you do it.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

_He always says he is giving me everything he has.

He says he couldn't love me more._

So, I'm wondering why you are not listening. I'm wondering why you don't believe him. I'm wondering why women always think they can change a man. More than likely, your insistence makes him feel pressured, and that pressure comes off as you nagging. No one wants to feel they have to do something against their will or against their nature. Similarly, men often complain that women don't initiate sex. I don't get that one either because that is always what they complain and nag their wives about. It's not even that they don't get sex but that she doesn't initiate it. Even on boards like this one, they can read a hundred threads a day of the same complaint, but it never occurs to anyone that it's generally something that women don't do. They continue to complain about the same thing. How do they think their wives want to feel forced to do something? How do you think your husband wants to feel forced to do something? How would you feel if he constantly asked you to do something that is against your nature, or something that makes you uncomfortable?

Maybe he will listen if coming from someone other than you. It just might be that he doesn't want to feel *taught* by his wife of all people. So, you might consider looking into a sex therapist. This way, he can be taught and the two of you can explore together. This just might seem more mutual to him. It is very possible your urging makes him feel inadequate. Even though he is, no one wants to feel that way. If that is his problem, seeing a sex therapist will solve it.

If a sex therapist is out of the question, then I don't imagine my next suggestion will be taken any better, which is for the two of you to consider an open relationship. This way, you both are open to seeing other people. You get your needs met without worry of the cheating element. I have to say this is a much better solution than what you are suggesting, which is just wrooooong on so many levels. There is no excuse for you to cheat. Yes, you deserve sexual satisfaction. Yes, you deserve to feel beautiful and desired. And......yes, that is not the man you married. You made the decision to marry him. He was this same person when you made that decision. Now that you are at this point of wanting, demanding more of him and not getting it, you come up with the worst possible way to handle an ill-fated situation of your own making. There are way better ways to handle this. Even to begin with sex therapy or marriage counseling, and I do not believe you were entirely unable to come up with either of those ideas on your own. Instead, your radar zooms straight in on wanting some man, any man, to desire you and satisfy your needs. Even divorce would be a better solution than cheating.

_He's VERY stubborn and only likes his own way_
Divorce courts are filled with people like that but again, this is the guy you married. You are obligated now to make the best of it.


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## Anya (May 22, 2010)

Mrs J:
I know how you're feeling because I'm in the same position. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I get lots of attention from other men who I don't really care about and nothing from my H.
Sadly there's not much we can do other than talking to them. I say talk to your H and tell him you are a very caring person and you like him when he is affectionate to you.
Being over affectionate with my H has given me some comfort too, because he has realized that I really care. Also, don't wait for him to start things, lead the path sometimes, talk sweet or foreplay more often.
Sometimes men work in a different way than us women, he might be too stressed out therefore his stamina drops, so make him relax when together.
Regarding the "creepy" look, just say that you're so in love you like the way he looks every single day or make up a flirty yet sweet quote. Just be patient and loving. I'm sure you're a great beautiful woman and he might just be gazing away tired and confused.


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

I think anyone who has this problem REALLY need to read the book called "the five love languages". This is SAD I'm 19 and I already know that EVERYONE shows love in dif. ways. I really suggest you read this book and then look at all the signs in the book so you can really see how much he cares. Have him read the book too. He will see that you two don't have the same "love language" and maybe he will change up his routine of loving you a little but you have to be willing to change up your routine a little in order to please his language as well.

Some couples get lucky and speak the same love language but most of the time this isnt the case and it takes practice and work.

I truly suggest this book if you want to save your marriage.

When I read your post all I heard was me, me, me, my needs, I, I'm.... it was all about you. Relationships are about more than just one person. It's about the two of you working together as one. I know you may think, oh, she hasnt been there, she doesn't know, but me and my husband have been together for 2 years, lived together for 1, and married for 3 months.... we went to counciling with a preacher before getting married and we learned alot from it. We have our ups and downs but the important thing is that I know he loves me and he knows I love him. Marriage isn't a piece of cake. It's work. And to me, it seems like your husband is the only one trying. You on the other hand are just judging him and then blaming your eye wondering on him.

It's normal to think other men are attractive, and depending on the state of your marriage, even like the attention they give you but after those few seconds of maybe a little eye flirtation... the man who loves you and holds you at night should be the one you think about. Just because you get married doesnt mean you stop noticing other men.. It means you may notice them but NOTHING MORE. You need to be faithful to the one you said your vows to. It sounds like he really is trying. He sounds like he is very romantic to me. If you dont like what he is giving then divorce. Don't cheat. Cheating makes you a weak person and if you cant be strong for the guy you love then you don't need to be married.

Check out the book. I really think it will help you guys. Quit thinking its all about you. Think about what you can do for him.


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

Oh, I just read your other posts and it sounds like your biggest issue is him being a "mamas boy". You repeat it over and over, u have it in your profile and its even in this post... Listen, I know the whole thing with mamas boys is hard. I have a mamas boy too and my dad was also one... my parents almost got a divorce over it. My dad even tells me, break him of it now or later it will come back to bite you. If he wants to choose his mother over you then tell him good luck with getting wut he gets from you.. from his mother lmao.. You need to set down and have a conversation with him.. You are a very large attention hog from what I can tell and from what I read I can also say his mother is too...

When its not important then just grin and bare it. Its his mother and you said that she was divorced which will make him that much tighter with his mom (my hubby's parents were divorced too and he lived with his mom). When it comes to him choosing his moms needs over your own though.. Weigh which one is more important. If you think you have the right to his attention at that moment tell him you are his wife and that until he helps you he cant go to his moms, put your foot down, let him know how you feel about it. Say it makes me feel abandoned when you choose her over me. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! 

Im sorry to say but he is a mamas boy, you will always have to deal with that, hopefully it will get better with time as long as you keep telling him how you feel about it and keep putting your foot down when its important.

Also I read that you are trying for a baby.. Dont have a baby unless you KNOW you won't cheat and you KNOW you want to stay with him forever. It would be selfish to have a child when you are basically telling people you want an affair. You two really need to communicate better, you can find worksheets and stuff online to help with that.. kind of a free, at home counciling thing... Work on yourselves before you you have a child because there will be no more time to work on you as a couple once a baby arrives.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

_Mrs J,
pardon my offering of an opposite view, but as i read what u
have written, your admission of selfishness may indeed be closer
to truth/problem than u realize. i'm not saying its all yer fault
as it almost never is, but it is u w/ the neediness kind of 
feelings and (false?)beliefs which u've put here for us to
comment on as the focal pt of yer H's "problem."

Your feelings/beliefs.............his "problem". hmmmm, yep.

for instance u describe "truly, madly, deeply love"(ok movie,
lol), as if it were a legitimate choice on People magazines
top ten list of Hot hollywood love/trysts for 2010.
romantic? maybe. real? yes, 'cuz theres others out
there suffering the same condition. Healthy/Normal?
i thinketh not.
for if one is so caught up in their SO, to the pt of basically
ignoring themselves, hmmm, sounds like an obsessive
type personality to me, and would DRIVE most folk away from
them. and anyone looking for/demanding it, well the 
school books call that narcissism amongst other names.

now if u meant to use a word like intimacy, well most if
not all here could empathize w/ u. for intimacy requires
alot of patience, work, desire, determinaton to succeed, if 
ever two can truly succeed, as the battle goes on for
many here, and outside here. another story.

i'm just giving u food for thought is all. u seem to have his side mostly figured out. no need for me to go there.
i'm not calling u any names, or labeling u. but if u r a 
thinker u think about it, is all. u need to examine yerself
first b4 looking good at H, w/ the aid of a counselor (and a
mirror)for best results

peace cb45
_


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## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

TNgirl232 said:


> Welll - a few things - each person expresses their love in their own way - you say he does it his way, but if he would just do it the way you tell him to it would be ok, that's not really fair. Would you be ok with him telling him that you are getting disappointed in your expectations of what you should be getting from him because you aren't doing it the way he is showing you - and its your own fault?
> 
> The paragraph about how beautiful and busty you are....yeah it comes across as totally narcissistic. Maybe he loves you for more than your body. DO NOT blame your wandering eye on your husband and pre-justify what you might let yourself do just to satisfy YOUR need to be worshipped. That's just low. Your already planning an affair.
> 
> Not everyone is comfortable with eye contact - especially if they have lower self esteem - this has nothing to do with you. You make it sound as if the only way he could ever meet your expectations is to be the equivalent of the gooey movie screen romance. I hate to tell ya - that's the movies not real life. Real life is dealing with a person as they are, not how you want them to be or change. You need to either grow up yourself and learn how what your husband is doing for you is how he expresses his love, or divorce and let him find someone willing to love him wholeheartedly for who he is and you can go find someone to worship you for your beauty.


Honestly, the only reason I put that in there is because when I posted a similar question on a different site.... everyone was saying I had no self esteem. I do think I'm beautiful. No I don't walk around with my nose up. I have self conscious moments just like everyone else. But I'm confident that I'm good looking and a good catch. I do everything for my man. He's lucky he found such a good woman, and I'm lucky I found him... I just wish we did more things a couple does instead of what best friends do.


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## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

Hurtin' unit said:


> Don't really agree with tngirl, I think you do need to be loved how you need to be loved. If you just want to be put on a pedestal, then just get over yourself. But to me it sounds like you are lacking a deep emotional connection with your husband, which I understand, had the same thing with my wife. I could have just spent every day lost in her, but she was like that for a while and then it went bye bye. Everything else was the priority. I was always the one phoning her, or sending email, or whatever. She rarely did the same for me, and it hurts and makes you feel unloved. About the only thing I can suggest is make sure you are telling him directly about how you feel, if he is like me then he won't pick up on sublte hinting, no matter how often you do it.


Yeah that's exactly it. I just think he has yet to experience that madly in love feeling with anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm right for him, like if there's a woman out there who could make him happier or he would be googly eyed over. He told me he was like that with his ex. He did everything for her. Things that he is scared to do now. She only ever made it to being his fiance, and cheated on him, got pregnant, and he's such a good man(although naive) that he raised the baby til she was 4(because he never had a dad, the babys father was no where around, and he didnt want the little girl to grow up like her did). 

I need the deep emotional connection so bad. Maybe not even the full thing. Even a taste of it I'd be grateful for.

I've told him straight up many times that I wish we were closer.... and he wishes the same thing too. I've told him I need love in a slightly different way than he shows me. There's nothing wrong with people loving in different ways. Marriage might be great at times, but its all about the battle full of love, tests, and triumphs. Learning about each other, learning how to please each other. The laughs, the cries, the fights, the "almost divorces" etc.

I know I have doubts about if we were made for each other. But I believe God wouldn't have allowed us to get married if we weren't. Even though at first we were total opposites... he put us together to enrich each other. He understands things I don't, and he explains them to me so I can perceive them better, and vice versa. Why would you want to be married to someone exactly like you?(not towards you per se, but just a rhetorical question) That's kinda selfish if you ask me! We compliment each other. Sure for hours days or sometimes weeks we want to kill each other out of frustration.... but at our happiest times, we wouldn't change a thing. It makes us stronger.

I would change anything for my husband if he asked. I am his servant and he is mine(per the bible). I will do anything he asks of me, lovingly and whole heartedly. Not because I have to, but because I love him so much that I want to. I'd give up anything for him. without even thinking about it.

I dont know... I could really go on forever. Thank you for understanding me and giving me the words to describe exactly what it is we are in search of..... "a deeper emotional connection".

<3<3<3<3 Thanks for your reply <3<3<3<3<3


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## Mrs J (Apr 25, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> _He always says he is giving me everything he has.
> 
> He says he couldn't love me more._
> 
> ...


haha quite the opposite here. He feels like if he initiates sex he is taking advantage of me. We have sex like 3 times a day, pretty much everyday for the last 3 years. He has yet to initiate it. I'm sick of feeling like the dude. I've told him this, but he just said he feels wrong doing it (I regret telling him I was sexually abused by an ex). I think that is stuck on his conscience. 

I wouldn't mind trying a sex therapist. We have plenty of sex! trust me! lol.... but if they had a "making love therapist" that would be better <3

I've actually brought up an open marriage quite a few times. He cries every time. I cry to because I only want him. But I don't know what else to do!

About me changing him... it's not that at all. I don't want him to change WHO he is.... just how he does things. Not everything. Just like 1 or 2 things. We usually do "a change for a change" like i give up something for him to give up something.... but his sacrifices don't last long until he buys whatever it is back or reopens an old bank account "just incase we accidentally overdraft". per his words.

We've been to marriage counseling many times.... he never listens to the homework they give him.

I love him and I will be sticking it out with him until the end.

Honestly, I'd rather cheat than get a divorce. Sure infidelity is still a sin..... and having an open marriage is still considered infidelity to God..... but divorce is the only thing in the bible that God says he HATES! Worse than murder!

I just wish our marriage was as good as our sex life. I wish he gave me more attention. That's it! lol.


thanks for your reply!! <3<3<3


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Infidelity is one of the few reasons given in the Bible as a reason to divorce. So I'm not sure got hates it more than infidelity as it is a reason for divorce. Cheating is not the answer. You see how hurt he is by just talking about an open marriage. Let him find out you went behind his back and started sleeping with others and see how hurt he is then. 

Read the 5 Love Languages book recommended, and try looking at this from his point of view. It sounds like he communicates with you and gives you answers to your questions. You just don't like them. You expect him to be the one to change, maybe you should do some changing in your expectations as well. It can't be one sided.


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## emma_terry (May 22, 2010)

hai
emma here,
i am facing almost similiar problem as mrs J.i was checking the posts and replies.feels quiet nice.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

_oh, and mrs J,
i left out, many here would love to have yer H if he's all as u 
describe he is, as well as having sex 3x a day. unless u left
some other important things out about him, he sounds like a 
keeper to me (surprised the gals here havent said so too).

i for one probably would need some viagra (xtra strength pls?)
just to keep up w/ 3x a day.:lol:

i think if u take on the role of patient teacher, i.e. show him
how u'd like it done, followed up w/ verbal communication cues
of your appreciation for even trying (if he gets it wrong) and 
REWARDS when he "gets it right", then i think u'll make 
progress w/ him in most areas. 

put away the negatives. or soften the blow if u must 
go there. he sounds like a pleaser type. so let him
please, w/ plenty of encouragement. u don't know how
lucky u really are, if it is how u wrote it is.

the mom, is kind of a separate issue. start another thread
on her involvement if u like. concentrate on H & W stuff
1st.


peace------------------------------------cb45_


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Here's a similar thread from a guys perspective in the mens clubhouse. There's a lot of this going around lately.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/13655-heads-mess.html


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs J said:


> haha quite the opposite here. He feels like if he initiates sex he is taking advantage of me. We have sex like 3 times a day, pretty much everyday for the last 3 years. He has yet to initiate it.


Wait a minute, you are seriously having sex 3 times a day & then feeling you are not getting enough affection? You originally posted


Mrs J said:


> "Why can't he see me like other men do? Why can't he be one of those horny guys that can't look at me naked without touching me somewhere".


. It sounds to me, he is WELL horny enough, like another poster said, many men would need Viagra to keep up with that- serioulsy ! He definetly DESIRES you - Horniness is not the problem here - stratch that (if all you are saying is true). 

I would suggest he never gets the chance to initiate, you are keeping him sufficiently & thoroughly DRAINED. Yeah, alot of guys would LOVE that, but who says he doesn't - If he gets it up, he is surely enjoying the ride. Maybe he has a lack of verbal skills you are missing in his expressing his enjoyment of you? 


What is the longest you have NOT initiated him? And has this had any effect on him, did he then come to you and the sex was MORE passionate , more like the slow Love making you are desiring? 

I know, for me & my husband, but we are older, that if we wait longer inbetween, this enhances the Passion, more of that "I cant get enough" feeling. I love alot of sex too, and I hate to wait for it, but there are definetly benefits to waiting sometimes. We are taking a romantic vacation soon & I definetly PLAN for us to NOT have sex for like 4 whole days before that trip to enhance that "Feeling". Maybe this is all that is needed for the 2 of you -- Or is this very difficult for you? 

If men have too much sex, sometimes they need to pound harder & harder to acheive ejaculation. Or maybe he could try semen retention to help with this. 

I would imagine you will be hard pressed to find a man who is THAT Romantic & Passionate & can satify your unquenchable desire for sex. I read once that the "testosterone" Hormone accually works against the "bonding" hormones in men, so a nice balance is what we want. I read this in this book Amazon.com: Sex on the Brain: 12 Lessons to Enhance Your Love Life (9780307339089): Daniel G.…

Some have mentioned the Love languages book on here , here is a thread I started - with links for an online test for spouses -to see How the differences can affect marraiges , sounds like you would rate very high on needing Quality time, maybe words of Affirmation, desiring to hear from him while at work, texts, etc. BUt also very high on Physical touch! Interesting to hear your percentages! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

Cheating is so not the answer here. He sounds like a great guy, even if a little self esteem is holding him back, Cheating would further hinder him, maybe destroy him. You need to Build him up. Learn his Love Languages, hopefully he will commit to understanding yours & see where this takes you both.


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