# Advice on decision that may affect sex life, how wife sees me



## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I’m 37, wife is 35. Two small kids. Sex life has dipped with busy schedules and kids. I’d like more but am fine w being patient. She’s a stay at home mom and is exhausted as I work long hours.

I have evolved in my personal preference for underwear due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. I do find them comfortable especially since a surgery I’ve had. I tried a pair, met w lukewarm response. ‘Wear if you want, but what if someone at work sees. Our housecleaner may think it’s weird, etc.’ I want to wear them but backed off at the time and am now just ready to do as I please. My fear initially was it would turn her off. But w the lack of sex, I’m almost thinking ‘who cares.’

Any advice on how to initiate the discussion, or do I just wear them and do me?

posted here bc I do think it may affect our sexlife if she’s turned off.
Thanks!


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I've changed my underwear styles repeatedly over the years, never once asked anyone about it as it only effects me.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Has your wife ever said ‘whoa, why are you wearing that?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wear what you want and what is comfortable. If she's turned off by you wearing thong underwear _because that's what's most physically comfortable to you_ them she isn't very attracted to you to begin with, as well as not a very nice life partner who wants to understand your view re your underwear preference.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Isn’t the point of underwear to catch dribbles and keep your pants from touching your butt? Doesn’t a thong sort of fail at one of these? Seems a little feminine- no disrespect intended. Maybe wifey thinks your going to come out of the closet?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Counterpoint: what if I like the feeling of going commando but need support up front? What if that makes them comfortable to me?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

CatholicDad said:


> Isn’t the point of underwear to catch dribbles and keep your pants from touching your butt? Doesn’t a thong sort of fail at one of these? Seems a little feminine- no disrespect intended. Maybe wifey thinks your going to come out of the closet?


So now only gay guys wear thongs? Pretty ridiculous statement.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> ...due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. I do find them comfortable especially since a surgery I’ve had...


If you are wearing thongs for comfort in relation to a past surgery, then it should be no big deal. Now on the other hand your choice of comfort also comes with shiny sequins, a miniature bowtie, with KC and the Sunshine Band playing Get Down Tonight playing in the kitchen while you mix up some drinks... well then... perhaps your wife thinks that scene is lame until you finally install that disco ball she purchased two years ago that has been shoved in the corner and collecting dust that she begged you to hook up in the den.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife would not go for that .... neither would I though.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Why is that? Curious to know. Because it’s different, rare? Would she or you associate it with different ideas?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

First, I would be way more concerned about the lack of sex in my fairly young marriage. 

Second, who in the **** cares what type of underwear YOU WEAR?

I don't really mind wearing underwear, but if I am out, I go commando. GF, kind of thinks that is gross, and I could care less. 

Also, she does not seem to mind when commando lets certain things happen easier than if I had my underwear on...

I think you have more problems than your underwear selection...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I want to reverse genders. 
I wear granny panties everyday at work because they are comfortable and I have to get changed in front of people. I wear them because it’s comfortable, and I am not embarrassed when changing. My boyfriend is not turned on by granny panties. So In the end, I buy cute Calvin Klein full butt underwear, they are comfortable and cute. On weekends I wear cute thongs or undies that show my butt cheeks, not because they are comfortable, but because it’s what my boyfriend finds sexy, and it’s important to me that he sees me sexually.

If wearing thongs makes you comfortable, then do it. Don’t make it a bigger thing than it has to be. Don’t ask her just do you. If she tells you that she is not attracted to you in them, then you can do what I do and compromise... wear them for work. Then in weekends or night time change into underwear she likes.


Something else I want to add. Some men like to wear thongs or women’s underwear because it’s taboo and they get a thrill from it. That’s fine. But when you wear a thong, you don’t have to make it a bigger deal than it is. Don’t tell her, don’t talk about it, and don’t purposely change in front of her just so she can see it. Because then it becomes something else. Instead of you just wearing something for comfort, it becomes you getting a thrill off of other people’s reaction to it... it’s a totally different thing. 

You also need to think about how something effects your wife. If my husband was getting dressed in front of people, personally i wouldn’t want people to see him in certain types of underwear. You can tell me I’m closed minded and whatever but it’s true, people judge you based on many things and I am not into giving people ammo. The same thing can be said for women who never wear a bra. Maybe her husband wouldn’t want people seeing that.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Counterpoint: what if I like the feeling of going commando but need support up front? What if that makes them comfortable to me?


Going commando feels nothing like wearing a thong, I am not buying it. A string up your butt is a constant reminder that you are in fact not commando.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Going commando feels nothing like wearing a thong, I am not buying it. A string up your butt is a constant reminder that you are in fact not commando.


It’s about as close as you can get (that I know of) while still having support for your junk up front.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> First, I would be way more concerned about the lack of sex in my fairly young marriage.
> 
> I think you have more problems than your underwear selection...


We do have sexual tension. We used to be great, equal libidos. That’s taken a dive on her end. I attribute it to being a SAH mom w two kids. Couldn’t be anything w me ... i kid. But I help out as much as possible, provide us a great life, and take care of myself. Don’t know much more to do. Have considered just asking her if she’s still attracted to me. But that seems like the nuclear option.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Why is that? Curious to know. Because it’s different, rare? Would she or you associate it with different ideas?


Because my wife wants a man, not a feminine version of one. It would be a huge turn off for her.
I’m not judging you .... you asked so I’m giving you what I know my wife would think.
To put it another way: It dang sure would not increase her attraction for me .... much the opposite I would say.

Maybe you have some other information about lack of sex in your relationship?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Because my wife wants a man, not a feminine version of one. It would be a huge turn off for her.
> I’m not judging you .... you asked so I’m giving you what I know my wife would think.
> To put it another way: It dang sure would not increase her attraction for me .... much the opposite I would say.
> 
> Maybe you have some other information about lack of sex in your relationship?


No offense taken. Came here for honest opinions.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I’m 37, wife is 35. Two small kids. Sex life has dipped with busy schedules and kids. I’d like more but am fine w being patient. She’s a stay at home mom and is exhausted as I work long hours.
> 
> I have evolved in my personal preference for underwear due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. I do find them comfortable especially since a surgery I’ve had. I tried a pair, met w lukewarm response. ‘Wear if you want, but what if someone at work sees. Our housecleaner may think it’s weird, etc.’ I want to wear them but backed off at the time and am now just ready to do as I please. My fear initially was it would turn her off. But w the lack of sex, I’m almost thinking ‘who cares.’
> 
> ...


My husband and both wives all wear women's underwear. He does so because they are more comfortable in cut than men's underwear. Personally, I go commando. I haven't worn underwear except at the gym/dojo or to the doctor's in a few decades.

Go for comfort and always keep in mind that there really isn't anything clothing wise that hasn't been worn by the opposite or the sex currently wearing it. High heels started as a men's fashion and men have even had their versions of bras and corsets. So really, there is no such thing as men's and women's clothing, save for maybe due to cut.

Make sure you check out my thread on the Desire Chart. Maybe that will help.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides


 That's kind of weird but okay.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

redacted


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Wear whatever underwear you feel comfortable in.
I have worn a variety of types over the years, sometimes the wife notices and approves, sometimes she doesn't.
I told her if she wanted to start picking out my undies, it goes both ways.
That shut that down real quick.
In regard to the sex life, that's a separate discussion, unless she is willing to put in writing that you will get 3x the sex with boxers.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I’m 37, wife is 35. Two small kids. Sex life has dipped with busy schedules and kids. I’d like more but am fine w being patient. She’s a stay at home mom and is exhausted as I work long hours.
> 
> I have evolved in my personal preference for underwear due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. I do find them comfortable especially since a surgery I’ve had. I tried a pair, met w lukewarm response. ‘Wear if you want, but what if someone at work sees. Our housecleaner may think it’s weird, etc.’ I want to wear them but backed off at the time and am now just ready to do as I please. My fear initially was it would turn her off. But w the lack of sex, I’m almost thinking ‘who cares.’
> 
> ...


How does wearing a thong build confidence? If because of your surgery, that is all that is comfortable to you, then you just tell her that. You should know that when you bend over, people will see that band up there, so be sure you either have a long shirt or a belted pant. It likely will turn her off. Women, for example, mostly hate Speedos. I didn't even know they made thongs for men. What are we talking about here? Is it a string thong or something closer to an athletic wider band?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Counterpoint: what if I like the feeling of going commando but need support up front? What if that makes them comfortable to me?


Then just tell that to your wife. Don't see the big deal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> *Because my wife wants a man, not a feminine version of one. *It would be a huge turn off for her.
> I’m not judging you .... you asked so I’m giving you what I know my wife would think.
> To put it another way: It dang sure would not increase her attraction for me .... much the opposite I would say.
> 
> Maybe you have some other information about lack of sex in your relationship?


There are thongs built for men. They are shaped differently than thongs for women. After all, men and women have some very district anatomical differences.

A well built man wearing a men's thong is very sexy. At least I think so. It's not feminine at all.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How does wearing a thong build confidence?


Doesn’t build confidence. And by your statements following, I bet you won’t understand this, but other men and certainly women will. It GIVES me confidence when Im wearing it. Like when women wear nice or sexy lingerie under an outfit. Am I feminine? I don’t think anyone that meets me would think so. But we all have our ‘thing,’ and maybe it’s mine. The comfort aspect comes from liking to feel commando. But I can’t anymore since my vasectomy. If I don’t have support, by the end of the day I’m throbbing with pain. So I like the support up front and the feeling of being commando in the back.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Look. Male thongs may not be what the majority of men are wearing but it's not that out there. I say wear what kind of underwear you want!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No, I get it. I just was trying to get to the root of the reason. I've known a couple of guys who felt sexiest in women's either underwear or clothing or both. One was married and his wife just thought it was weird but it didn't put her off him (something else did). The other could never get a girlfriend because he only felt sexy dressed up all the way. He was a friend of mine I knew through business. 

Likely your discomfort will get better from the vasectomy. If it doesn't, you should ask the doc about it, though.


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## Mr.Joe (Jul 25, 2020)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I’m 37, wife is 35. Two small kids. Sex life has dipped with busy schedules and kids. I’d like more but am fine w being patient. She’s a stay at home mom and is exhausted as I work long hours.
> 
> I have evolved in my personal preference for underwear due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. I do find them comfortable especially since a surgery I’ve had. I tried a pair, met w lukewarm response. ‘Wear if you want, but what if someone at work sees. Our housecleaner may think it’s weird, etc.’ I want to wear them but backed off at the time and am now just ready to do as I please. My fear initially was it would turn her off. But w the lack of sex, I’m almost thinking ‘who cares.’
> 
> ...


You can initiate a discussion first by saying your situation about the surgery you had. Then go on saying something like you are starting not to like wearing underwear because you are not comfortable. Then ask her for better suggestions. Wait for her response then proceed from there.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

We’ve had that discussion. And because I am so busy at work and bc she loves to shop, she’s suggested and ordered me a few styles she thinks I’ll like (her words). Mostly boxer briefs which I hate because of bunching. I wear jock straps to workout in. She’s suggested I wear those all the time. I personally don’t see much difference between that and a thong, and at least the thong covers my exit hole and I find them more comfortable. But for some reason, I assume bc its atypical, she doesn’t like me in a thong. 

But, given our lack of sex anyway, I’m getting prepared to have a pretty big talk tonight. I think I’m just going to order a few and not make a big deal about it and instead talk about our lack of sex. Is it me, stress, etc? What’s changed? I think that’s the underlying reason I’m so worried about wearing them. If we were having sex regularly like in the past, id wear them not thinking anything about it. I’m worried about turning her off, but sex 4-5 times a year won’t get much less, right?!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Marriedguy, can I suggest that maybe you are doing this backwards?

You are worried that your wife won't see you as "sexy" in a thong, and that your rare, quarterly sex will disappear altogether.
But, as you seem to be slowly realizing in your post above, maybe you should be focusing on the lack of sex (and the problems in your relationship that lead to your sexless state).
That's the REAL problem. I think that if you attack that, you may find your underwear problem solves itself.

And, for what it's worth, my own two cents is that I personally WOULDN'T wear something my wife found repellant.
Yes, you have the "right" to wear whatever you want. But I also think that spouses have a RESPONSIBILITY to make themselves attractive to their mates. 
After all, if your spouse has agreed to only having sexual relations with you (even if rarely), then I think it is your responsibility to make it as exciting, stimulating and arousing as possible for your spouse. (The frequency would be a separate issue.)


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I disagree. If she's only having sex with you a few times a year it seems ridiculous to not wear the kind of underwear that makes you the most comfortable. She's not really into you, anyway. Might as well be comfortable in your underwear choice..


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How does wearing a thong build confidence? If because of your surgery, that is all that is comfortable to you, then you just tell her that. You should know that when you bend over, people will see that band up there, so be sure you either have a long shirt or a belted pant. It likely will turn her off. Women, for example, mostly hate Speedos. I didn't even know they made thongs for men. What are we talking about here? Is it a string thong or something closer to an athletic wider band?


Basically what we call budgie smugglers only much higher on the cheeks.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Doesn’t build confidence. And by your statements following, I bet you won’t understand this, but other men and certainly women will. It GIVES me confidence when Im wearing it. Like when women wear nice or sexy lingerie under an outfit. Am I feminine? I don’t think anyone that meets me would think so. But we all have our ‘thing,’ and maybe it’s mine. The comfort aspect comes from liking to feel commando. But I can’t anymore since my vasectomy. If I don’t have support, by the end of the day I’m throbbing with pain. So I like the support up front and the feeling of being commando in the back.


You might want to see the doctor, unless the surgery was very recently. I had to wear underwear for about 3-4 weeks after my surgery, but since then, it's been full commando, for the past 15+ years, no pain. If you are past the healing period and still experience pain at the end of the day, something is probably wrong.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wolfman1968 said:


> But I also think that spouses have a RESPONSIBILITY to make themselves attractive to their mates.


While I agree with most of your point, this ^ should never be at the expense of comfort, especially long term. Putting on something to entice is one thing. But trying to wear it every day, all day might not be comfortable.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> You might want to see the doctor, unless the surgery was very recently. I had to wear underwear for about 3-4 weeks after my surgery, but since then, it's been full commando, for the past 15+ years, no pain. If you are past the healing period and still experience pain at the end of the day, something is probably wrong.


1-2% of men get chronic pain syndrome (blue balls) after a vasectomy. I don’t even have it unless I go half a day or more commando or in boxers bc of the lack of support. It’s not a big deal. 

How do I know? I’m in the medical field.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There are thongs built for men. They are shaped differently than thongs for women. After all, men and women have some very district anatomical differences.
> 
> A well built man wearing a men's thong is very sexy. At least I think so. It's not feminine at all.


I needed evidence of this statement and did some research.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I did some research too🙂.

A lot of male thong underwear is pretty manly. It still looks like a man's underwear. They even sell it at Walmart, it's pretty mainstream.

It looks a lot nicer than regular cotton briefs, which can look kind of like a diaper on a guy.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I did some research too🙂.
> 
> A lot of male thong underwear is pretty manly. It still looks like a man's underwear. They even sell it at Walmart, it's pretty mainstream.
> 
> It looks a lot nicer than regular cotton briefs, which can look kind of like a diaper on a guy.


Thank you! That’s what I think too. Funny thing is my wife only wears thongs (drives me wild) and says she does it because she can’t stand how bulky regular underwear feels. That seems like something both men and women could agree on ...


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I needed evidence of this statement and did some research.


What did you think?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Thank you! That’s what I think too. Funny thing is my wife only wears thongs (drives me wild) and says she does it because she can’t stand how bulky regular underwear feels. That seems like something both men and women could agree on ...


Wait.... She herself is a thong wearer because that is what she prefers, yet is criticizing you for the same view?
Omg how very hypocritical. Haa. 

No. 

It seems you have some issues in your relationship that should be addressed that go far beyond your desire to wear male thong underwear.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Wait.... She herself is a thong wearer because that is what she prefers, yet is criticizing you for the same view?
> Omg how very hypocritical. Haa.
> 
> No.
> ...


I agree. But I’m not sure how to bring it up. Was going to last night but after working until 8 and getting kids to bed by 9, we were both exhausted. And I know a talk wouldn’t be productive then. Thing is, other than lack of sex, our relationship is really great. We get along, go on weekly date nights, travel with and without the kids. But there’s zero intimacy.

I would love to know how to bring it up without her getting defensive.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> What did you think?


I don't think it ought to matter what I think as to whether you wear them or not.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't think it ought to matter what I think as to whether you wear them or not.


It doesn’t. Was just asking to get someone’s opinion that had just seen them for, what it sounds like, might have been the first time. You know, a first impression


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> It doesn’t. Was just asking to get someone’s opinion that had just seen them for, what it sounds like, might have been the first time. You know, a first impression


heheh... I don't live under a rock. I have seen them on men before... strippers, parades, images, the disposable type at day-spas. Okay, in all honesty, I think there are certain garments that look particularly more flattering on fit bodies. In saying that, different strokes and all that... plus confidence and love goggles make a difference. Personally I like the undies my husband chooses for himself. They're not thongs.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I agree. But I’m not sure how to bring it up. Was going to last night but after working until 8 and getting kids to bed by 9, we were both exhausted. And I know a talk wouldn’t be productive then. Thing is, other than lack of sex, our relationship is really great. We get along, go on weekly date nights, travel with and without the kids. But there’s zero intimacy.
> 
> I would love to know how to bring it up without her getting defensive.


I think you should turn the topic of your thread to the lack of sex, not your thong underwear. Saying your marriage is perfect except you don't have intimacy/sex is an absolute oxymoron. What you have masquerading as a marriage is a great friend relationship and co-parenting situation. 

You have no one in your life you are having a fulfilling, happy, healthy sex life with. But you're married. Huh??


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

That’s great. Let’s discuss that. I have voiced that I feel like I’m just a co-parent and/or paycheck depending on the time and severity of discussion. I honestly just want her to be honest. If she’s not attracted to me, ok. I’ll stop going above and beyond to make her happy and get her in the mood (obviously always unsuccessful). I think my original thought was not to wear them bc I don’t want to turn her off even more. But, if her arousal level is 0 constantly does some other reason, I guess there’s no point in me doing me. But I’d love to know a constructive way to approach this so she doesn’t get defensive. 

We have two kids, so I’m not going anywhere for them. But if sex is completely off the table, I will certainly start doing things more for me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why do you have to bring it up? Why can’t you just wear whatever underwear you want. Why are you making this such a big deal. Wear what you want to. And address the lack of sex, the two are different things.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> That’s great. Let’s discuss that. I have voiced that I feel like I’m just a co-parent and/or paycheck depending on the time and severity of discussion. I honestly just want her to be honest. If she’s not attracted to me, ok. I’ll stop going above and beyond to make her happy and get her in the mood (obviously always unsuccessful). I think my original thought was not to wear them bc I don’t want to turn her off even more. But, if her arousal level is 0 constantly does some other reason, I guess there’s no point in me doing me. But I’d love to know a constructive way to approach this so she doesn’t get defensive.
> 
> We have two kids, so I’m not going anywhere for them. But if sex is completely off the table, I will certainly start doing things more for me.


Okay. So you say you aren't going to terminate the relationship because you have kids. That means you have decided that being in a marriage that is essentially sexless and functions as friends and coparents is something you will live with, but would like to change if you can.

1. Have you asked her what could be done to facilitate a closer sexual relationship?
2. If you have tried talking to her about it and got nowhere (I'm guessing you have tried talking to her!) I would suggest letting her know you aren't happy with how things are, as you desire a mutually fulfilling sex life with your wife, and are respectfully requesting you two attend counseling.
3. If one and two don't work-- she won't talk to you about the situation and work it or yourselves, and also won't go to counseling, and you are going to stay in the marriage no matter what, then like you said, I'd start figuring out the ways you want to live your life that don't revolve around her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

maquiscat said:


> While I agree with most of your point, this ^ should never be at the expense of comfort, especially long term. Putting on something to entice is one thing. But trying to wear it every day, all day might not be comfortable.


Well, you're welcome to feel that way. But if that idea became widespread, it's possible the whole women's high heel shoe segment of the economy would go under.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I agree. But I’m not sure how to bring it up. Was going to last night but after working until 8 and getting kids to bed by 9, we were both exhausted. And I know a talk wouldn’t be productive then. Thing is, other than lack of sex, our relationship is really great. We get along, go on weekly date nights, travel with and without the kids. But there’s zero intimacy.
> 
> I would love to know how to bring it up without her getting defensive.


Just wear whatever you want to ware. If she brings it up, then you can reply to that. It's not a topic worth making a big deal out of. I really don't think that the your underwear is the hill you should choose to die on.

Now the lack of sex in your marriage is a topic worth addressing. The fact that you are afraid to talk to your wife is a serious problem.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe she is scared you will ask for a pair of boobs next. 
Anyways.....on to lack of sex

Who wears the pants? Which one of you is the alpha animal of the house?

Are you decisive and firm or perhaps maybe your conflict avoidant????


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We do have sexual tension. We used to be great, equal libidos. That’s taken a dive on her end. I attribute it to being a SAH mom w two kids. Couldn’t be anything w me ... i kid. But I help out as much as possible, provide us a great life, and take care of myself. Don’t know much more to do. Have considered just asking her if she’s still attracted to me. But that seems like the nuclear option.


I agree with @Girl_power, wear what makes you comfortable but maybe at the weekend if you want action change the style. My H transferred from Ys to boxers many years ago due to comfort. If he told me he wanted to wear a thong, I would wonder why but it would probably be an opportunity to get a glimpse of more of the jewels than boxers so I'd find that sexy.

What do you do (apart from providing) for your wife to make her adored, sexy and desired? Do you date, go on weekend getaways, etc?
i suggest you and your wife read His Needs Her Needs.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe she is scared you will ask for a pair of boobs next.
> Anyways.....on to lack of sex
> 
> *Who wears the pants*? Which one of you is the alpha animal of the house?
> ...


back to clothes again :::sigh:::


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We’ve had that discussion. And because I am so busy at work and bc she loves to shop, she’s suggested and ordered me a few styles she thinks I’ll like (her words). Mostly boxer briefs which I hate because of bunching. I wear jock straps to workout in. She’s suggested I wear those all the time. I personally don’t see much difference between that and a thong, and at least the thong covers my exit hole and I find them more comfortable. But for some reason, I assume bc its atypical, she doesn’t like me in a thong.
> 
> But, given our lack of sex anyway, I’m getting prepared to have a pretty big talk tonight. I think I’m just going to order a few and not make a big deal about it and instead talk about our lack of sex. Is it me, stress, etc? What’s changed? I think that’s the underlying reason I’m so worried about wearing them. If we were having sex regularly like in the past, id wear them not thinking anything about it. I’m worried about turning her off, but sex 4-5 times a year won’t get much less, right?!


I'll make the point with this post.
She selected and ordered you boxer briefs.
She suggested you wear those all the time.
Did she become a overheated tigress while you were wearing said boxers, ripping them off with her teeth, then mounting and riding you in an insatiable manner for the next three hours?
If not, the underwear isn't the issue.
The issue is why she doesn't want to have sex.
Focus on that.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

What do you do (apart from providing) for your wife to make her adored, sexy and desired? Do you date, go on weekend getaways, etc?
i suggest you and your wife read His Needs Her Needs.
[/QUOTE]

Well, we have a masseuse that comes to the house 2 times a month to give her a massage. We have weekly date nights. We travel together. I send her flowers almost weekly. Most of all, I try to do my share of housework, kids responsibilities, etc. when I’m home. And I let her shop, which she’ll say, is her favorite hobby.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Maybe she is scared you will ask for a pair of boobs next.
> Anyways.....on to lack of sex
> 
> Who wears the pants? Which one of you is the alpha animal of the house?
> ...


We are very good about making 50/50 decisions actually. I yield daily decisions about the kids to her majority of the time, bc I’m not there. Otherwise, we’re equals. I also pick my battles. I’m not ‘conflict avoidant’ (although I lean that way), but I don’t create an argument over every little thing. 

And I get you’re trying to be funny, but I don’t think my wife will think I’m going to want boobs. I think she’s more worried about what people will think if they find out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who is going to tell them?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Who is going to tell them?


Personally, I don’t know. She’s said things like they’ll stick out of your pants, people can see the line (thought the point of the thong is no line), if it’s dark they’ll see it though your pants (I don’t wear white pants. Khaki is as light as I go).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She's more interested in other people not seeing your junk than she is in seeing it. Give her a shrug of your shoulders when she raises these silly objections.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like she's living a pretty pampered life, actually.

So she's a very much pampered wife, she has her kids now, and she isn't sexually attracted to you.

How long are you going to continue to live this dynamic, or are your going to change something?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> What do you do (apart from providing) for your wife to make her adored, sexy and desired? Do you date, go on weekend getaways, etc?
> i suggest you and your wife read His Needs Her Needs.


Well, we have a masseuse that comes to the house 2 times a month to give her a massage. We have weekly date nights. We travel together. I send her flowers almost weekly. Most of all, I try to do my share of housework, kids responsibilities, etc. when I’m home. And I let her shop, which she’ll say, is her favorite hobby.
[/QUOTE]

I stayed home with two kids. Sometimes it's exhausting, but not all the time, unless you are OCD or a helicopter parent. You can leave the kids watching a TV show and you guys can lock the door for a little bit. There are ways to be intimate while raising small kids.

Clearly your wife has everything she needs and there's no reason to change. She's living a spoiled life, and since you make no demands or ask to change, she might think everything is just fine. You are reinforcing and rewarding her lack of interest in your marriage. I didn't have what your wife is getting, I was tired and I still had sex at least once a week.

You need to talk to her about it. She might not know how important sex is to you. And if she refuses to change well you can stop the massages and the shopping trips and explain sex to you is as important (favorite hobby) as her shopping is to her.

As for the underwear, I would like to see my husband wearing a thong. I love his backside! But I don't think he's gonna like the idea. I don't care what men wear or not underneath their clothes.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> It sounds like she's living a pretty pampered life, actually.
> 
> So she's a very much pampered wife, she has her kids now, and she isn't sexually attracted to you.
> 
> How long are you going to continue to live this dynamic, or are your going to change something?


Well I’d like to change something honestly.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Then do it!! I think you need to read some threads and posts by a poster here called Farsidejunky. Might be helpful to you.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Then do it!! I think you need to read some threads and posts by a poster here called Farsidejunky. Might be helpful to you.


I’d love to. And after this discussion am closer than ever. But I want to approach it the right way or she’ll get extremely defensive. I know her and she’ll take everything I say to use for her and against me if I’m not careful. I need guidance on how to bring it up and approach it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Here is all of the guidance you really need. If you want a woman (any woman) to be interested in you, then you need to be interesting.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I’d love to. And after this discussion am closer than ever. But I want to approach it the right way or she’ll get extremely defensive. I know her and she’ll take everything I say to use for her and against me if I’m not careful. I need guidance on how to bring it up and approach it.


Look up his posts.

Geez, she really doesn't sound like a nice partner.

Don't you find it hard to love someone with these negative personality traits?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

She’s a nice partner. Not a ton of negative traits. But she does things like bring me lunch and stuff like that. But that’s not my love language. I can get my own lunch. I want us to be tangled up making love like when we were dating. I think that’s my struggle thinking it’s something I did. While we were dating, it was awesome. And she’s got just enough freak in her to make me speechless. But since night two of our marriage, it’s been dormant. I just get lost in my thoughts wondering what I did.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



But since night two of our marriage, it’s been dormant.

Click to expand...

*OP, do you know that scientists have finally discovered what food kills a woman's sex drive by 90%?

It's wedding cake.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, do you know that scientists have finally discovered what food kills a woman's sex drive by 90%?
> 
> It's wedding cake.


That’s hilarious. Yep. And you know, it drastically went down after our engagement.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Bait and switch. Not cool.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree with others that you can just wear it and not bring it up. 

Just realize that no, she is probably going to find them the opposite of sexy, but your sex life is already shot, so what difference does it make? Of course, she may be very confused about who exactly you're trying to be sexy for and not realize it is really yourself because few people can wrap their head around these things and there can be many different meanings for the same thing. So if she asks, explain yourself, but I'd stop making excuses about it being about the vasectomy and just tell her it makes you feel sexy. 

My concern is this: So you sex yourself up wearing these, and then what? Don't answer, but I mean, you just get yourself off? If so, then why even wear them around her? It's not for her, obviously, because this is not something she's going to be turned on by and you're not having sex anyway. If you're doing it hoping for sex from her, don't hold your breath. If you're just doing it for yourself because it feels right, then do it for yourself and don't even bring it into her sphere.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He said he had a vasectomy and needs the support or he has pain, but didn't like the bulk of other underwear that had support, so the thongs provide comfort and support.

His WIFE wears thongs, herself.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I agree with others that you can just wear it and not bring it up.
> 
> Just realize that no, she is probably going to find them the opposite of sexy, but your sex life is already shot, so what difference does it make? Of course, she may be very confused about who exactly you're trying to be sexy for and not realize it is really yourself because few people can wrap their head around these things and there can be many different meanings for the same thing. So if she asks, explain yourself, but I'd stop making excuses about it being about the vasectomy and just tell her it makes you feel sexy.
> 
> My concern is this: So you sex yourself up wearing these, and then what? Don't answer, but I mean, you just get yourself off? If so, then why even wear them around her? It's not for her, obviously, because this is not something she's going to be turned on by and you're not having sex anyway. If you're doing it hoping for sex from her, don't hold your breath. If you're just doing it for yourself because it feels right, then do it for yourself and don't even bring it into her sphere.


Sure, thanks for your thoughts. But I never said it’s sexual primarily. I did say it gives me a confidence boost, like wearing any clothing that makes you feel good. But it is comfortable to me, maybe not others as I’ve explained, as it gives me support and a commando feeling in the back. I don’t get an erection walking around while wearing them.

I know she won’t be turned on. But I constantly worry about what will or won’t turn her on w no results, so I guess what does it matter?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> He said he had a vasectomy and needs the support or he has pain, but didn't like the bulk of other underwear that had support, so the thongs provide comfort and support.
> 
> His WIFE wears thongs, herself.


Thanks for actually reading what I’m saying instead of jumping to conclusions.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Exactly. Look, just wear them. If it becomes an issue, hey, remind her you two never have sex anyway and you will wear whatever undies you want. 

I'm mystified how anyone can think thongs are anything but annoying trying crawling up one's butt, but each to his own! I'm sure there are some more manly ones out there. I just googled and there's a place called Manhood Undies online. Also, there are other alternatives, like mesh briefs that would probably feel good on and be cool and all.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Exactly. Look, just wear them. If it becomes an issue, hey, remind her you two never have sex anyway and you will wear whatever undies you want.
> 
> I'm mystified how anyone can think thongs are anything but annoying trying crawling up one's butt, but each to his own! I'm sure there are some more manly ones out there. I just googled and there's a place called Manhood Undies online. Also, there are other alternatives, like mesh briefs that would probably feel good on and be cool and all.


Yeah there’s lots of styles and materials, just like for women. That’s because different people have different preferences. But I think your response is what my wife is nervous about. I’m high in my field at a young age. I think she’s nervous I’ll be judged if anyone knew. Not sure how they would, but that’s her most often reasoning when it came up


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I think another big concern is our house cleaner or her mom does majority of our laundry and I think she’s a tad embarrassed for them to ask who’s drawer the thong goes in, and I get that


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We’re you high in your field or well off while the two of you were dating?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> We’re you high in your field or well off while the two of you were dating?


she knew the career I’d have but I was still training and no, I hadn’t advanced this far. It was a quick and unexpected rise through the ranks.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> We’re you high in your field or well off while the two of you were dating?


and no, not well off. Pinching pennies and living on loans for the first 2-3 years w her working as well


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I think another big concern is our house cleaner or her mom does majority of our laundry and I think she’s a tad embarrassed for them to ask who’s drawer the thong goes in, and I get that


Well, add house cleaner to the list of how she's pampered in addition to all of the other things (seriously, a masseuse _comes to your house_ twice a month!!)

And she can't find the time or energy to have a sex life with you?

Not good.

She's living the life, isn't she?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> she knew the career I’d have but I was still training and no, I hadn’t advanced this far. It was a quick and unexpected rise through the ranks.


This might sting a little bit.
She knew you had potential. Sex before marriage was just her setting the hook in you. She wanted your security and not your sexuality. She stopped the instant you were married. It’s called “bait and switch”


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Well, add house cleaner to the list of how she's pampered in addition to all of the other things (seriously, a masseuse _comes to your house_ twice a month!!)
> 
> And she can't find the time or energy to have a sex life with you?
> 
> ...


I get how it sounds. And I have the same feelings. It’s hard not to be bitter. You know why we have a masseuse come? So she can relax and unwind, hoping she’ll have more energy and desire for intimacy. Does it work? Nope. Twice this year, and once (as is often the case) was the first night of a trip. Like a thank you. But we have sex the first night and then she’s done.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This is a nasty mean manipulative trick but if you removed her security... her sexuality would instantly return.
If you started presenting yourself as someone who cared less about her and as someone who was considering a different life partner... she would probably go back to the sex

Keep in mind i never said this was some evil plan of hers. It’s just the way her sexuality responds. She has everything she needs. She isn’t really into you sexually and she is secure enough in her surroundings that she does not feel the need


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> This might sting a little bit.
> She knew you had potential. Sex before marriage was just her setting the hook in you. She wanted your security and not your sexuality. She stopped the instant you were married. It’s called “bait and switch”


Doesnt sting. It’s truth I’ve known and am having a hard time accepting. It’s hard to know your stuck at 37 like this for good. And I won’t divorce bc of my kids. They’re my world. So I guess it is what it is. But after we talk if nothing improves, it will be a weight off my shoulders bc I’ve tried everything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Yeah there’s lots of styles and materials, just like for women. That’s because different people have different preferences. But I think your response is what my wife is nervous about. I’m high in my field at a young age. I think she’s nervous I’ll be judged if anyone knew. Not sure how they would, but that’s her most often reasoning when it came up


I said it before. Because of how they're riding high in the back, you can see that through clothing and if you bend over, you can see it. So yes, they are more visible than most underwear. Women's bras are visible under clothing the same way, and a lot of women wear nude bras to blend in with their skin for this reason, but be careful and stay away from thongs that have a cord type side because that will show through clothes, the shape of it, sometimes. Realize you can see it under your shirt at your waist. Try to get ones without cords but that are flat on the sides and top and get nude.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

I don't like thongs on women, so it's quite easy for me to see how a woman would not care for that look on a man. To me, no matter the quality of the backside, the string up the butt of a woman does nothing for me. But sexy panties, bikinis, etc. rock my world. I think it sounds feminine and would never want to wear something like that. If it's not you going for a preferred look and is truly therapeutic, then she should quit being such a selfish, ummm... person.

And FWIW - I think you need to nip this lack of sexual intimacy now... take it from a guy who went through the same in his 30s while supporting the fam with kids and a SAH mom wife. You are training her to believe that you will tolerate this lack of intimacy in perpetuity and it is much harder to correct that course as the years roll by.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mylehigh said:


> I don't like thongs on women, so it's quite easy for me to see how a woman would not care for that look on a man. To me, no matter the quality of the backside, the string up the butt of a woman does nothing for me. But sexy panties, bikinis, etc. rock my world. I think it sounds feminine and would never want to wear something like that. If it's not you going for a preferred look and is truly therapeutic, then she should quit being such a selfish, ummm... person.
> 
> And FWIW - I think you need to nip this lack of sexual intimacy now... take it from a guy who went through the same in his 30s while supporting the fam with kids and a SAH mom wife. You are training her to believe that you will tolerate this lack of intimacy in perpetuity and it is much harder to correct that course as the years roll by.


Well, as someone who’s been there I welcome your advice on how to deal w it successfully


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Doesnt sting. It’s truth I’ve known and am having a hard time accepting. It’s hard to know your stuck at 37 like this for good. And I won’t divorce bc of my kids. They’re my world. So I guess it is what it is. But after we talk if nothing improves, it will be a weight off my shoulders bc I’ve tried everything.


There are countless instances of guys or girls that had the “sex talk” with their spouse. There is a 99% chance that it will get you nothing or at best increased sex for a very short duration. The true results come from people that change something about themselves in the way they live and interact with their partner. Those that take power back in the relationship are the ones that get results. I may be wrong but I get the feeling you give your wife too much leash. The biggest and absolutely worst thing you have done is accept this situation from two days after marriage. You have over the entirety of your marriage reinforced that it is acceptable.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> There are countless instances of guys or girls that had the “sex talk” with their spouse. There is a 99% chance that it will get you nothing or at best increased sex for a very short duration. The true results come from people that change something about themselves in the way they live and interact with their partner. Those that take power back in the relationship are the ones that get results. I may be wrong but I get the feeling you give your wife too much leash. The biggest and absolutely worst thing you have done is accept this situation from two days after marriage. You have over the entirety of your marriage reinforced that it is acceptable.


Great point


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Well, as someone who’s been there I welcome your advice on how to deal w it successfully


Hah! Wish I could say I've been successful. Truly a work in progress. I was the exact same as you - absolutely no way would I have jeopardized my life with my kids. Our family life was rock solid. But now as empty nesters, I've put the full court press in play and in the recent past, she believed me when I told her I have been envisioning my life not married to her, how we could still be kind, how I would still love her as the mother of my kids, how we could still be in the same room at the same time for certain events, but that I can and will change my life to find someone that shares the desire for and appreciates the intimacy that a passionate and consistent sex life brings. Other than having divorce papers drawn up, I was there. And she believed me. We are working on a couple months now of a more acceptable and quite enjoyable sex life. I of course am willing to compromise from my 'home run' scenario, but she knows we will no longer live by her unilateral command in that regard. We've had reprieves over the years, but they were short lived. So the jury is still out for me on this one. If it once again fades, I'll lay papers on the table. 

I don't want to hijack your thread. So I will refrain from more posts on that topic here.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I think it’s pertinent of what’s been revealed and discussed


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Doesnt sting. It’s truth I’ve known and am having a hard time accepting. It’s hard to know your stuck at 37 like this for good. And I won’t divorce bc of my kids. They’re my world. So I guess it is what it is. But after we talk if nothing improves, it will be a weight off my shoulders bc I’ve tried everything.


Well, maybe you two are a good fit. You are both essentially "staying for the kids" and not because you have an intimate, happy, full marriage with each other. Only one of you is actually happy with the situation, though. 

So you are 37. Do you plan to be mostly sexless for the rest of your life, then?

That's a looooong time.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Ok... then I'll throw in one more thought. Your wife absolutely 100% knows how much your kids mean to you. So she knows you're staying put. And she knows you are unhappy with your sex life. And still, it doesn't change. Your resentment will grow over time and you will be less attractive to her because someone who has resentment and anger from the chronic feelings of rejection and neglect ends up not being a very desirable person. I say the egg comes before the chicken here, but no matter who's to blame, it is a sure-fire recipe for your unhappiness. And hers too... at least eventually.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Well, maybe you two are a good fit. You are both essentially "staying for the kids" and not because you have an intimate, happy, full marriage with each other. Only one of you is actually happy with the situation, though.
> 
> So you are 37. Do you plan to be mostly sexless for the rest of your life, then?
> 
> That's a looooong time.


I don’t. I am obviously hoping to rectify things, as I think she’s so hot and sexy. And I know she is not a prude. She knows I have a high libido as well. When we started dating she asked why my previous Long-term relationship didn’t last, and I told her it was the lack of sexual chemistry and she understood not staying bc of that. I don’t think I’d stay forever if nothing changes. But I’ll at least wait until my kids are old enough I can explain things to them. Right now they would not understand why daddy isn’t coming home.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mylehigh is giving you the exact situation I was speaking about. He tried “the talk” and got nothing. I’ll repeat my previous statement: those who changed something about themselves and took some power back are the ones that succeed.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I think she’s so hot and sexy.


This is part of the problem... she knows your desire for her is very high. That gives her all the leverage. Not until the day comes that she believes her grip on you is fading will you ever have a chance.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

First thing I’m going to do is talk with her so she knows where I stand and how I feel. Then I’m going to suggest His Needs Her Needs for both of us to read. I think that lays a productive groundwork. And maybe I can learn something. 

Then I can act more firmly if nothing changes from then on.


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## Agent86 (Jul 20, 2020)

Nothing can or will change, you have lost the power in your relationship and she now controls all of it, she knows you are staying put and so is she.
My wife is the exact same, sans the underwear deal..wtf....
She removed sex from the relationship once the kid came, 13 years later and we haven't had sex in 3 years, funtimes but I can't and won't leave so I sit and stew and give her the power, just like you.

Get used to your hand and accept this is it, because it is unless she changes the game


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I think another big concern is our house cleaner or* her mom does majority of our laundry* and I think she’s a tad embarrassed for them to ask who’s drawer the thong goes in, and I get that


WTF?
There is another thread currently where the husband takes his laundry to his mother, and he is getting no shortage of disdain. Of course she has strong opinions about your underwear, she is sharing you with her mother. Her mother knows more about your butt than your wife does. This is severely misplaced intimacy. This is a serious lack of boundaries. No wonder there is an intimacy issue. If your wife has sex with you her mom will know about it before you do. 
Intimacy is not just sex. There is financial intimacy, emotional intimacy, and of course physical sexual intimacy. With no Private home, there is no place for marital intimacy to grow. Honestly your problem has nothing to do with success, money, underwear, or sex. Your problem is a lack of intimacy. You have no secrets that are shared exclusively between just the couple. 
If I thought you had a 10% chance of it working I would tell you to get MIL out of the house for 60 days. But I can see exactly where that would go. 

My very serious advice to you is that you very soon plan a vacation without her. 3 nights minimum.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Agent86 said:


> Nothing can or will change, you have lost the power in your relationship and she now controls all of it, she knows you are staying put and so is she.
> My wife is the exact same, sans the underwear deal..wtf....
> She removed sex from the relationship once the kid came, 13 years later and we haven't had sex in 3 years, funtimes but I can't and won't leave so I sit and stew and give her the power, just like you.
> 
> Get used to your hand and accept this is it, because it is unless she changes the game


I won’t stay if things don’t get better once my kids are older. If I left now my young kids would bear nothing other than their dad is an asshole that left their mom high and dry. Won’t happen. When they’re old and mature enough to understand, I would consider leaving if it’s the status quo. But I gotta make an effort to change things and not simply ride it out.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

My wife and her mom are close. She’s an only child. But my MIL doesn’t live with us. She visits often to see my wife and the kids. And when I work long stretches she comes to help out with the kids. I think this is normal. When she’s here, she helps with laundry. That’s not abnormal. Let’s not stretch this beyond that. We have intimacy. Just not physical intimacy.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You sound like you suck at marriage relationships but otherwise your a pretty smart guy. If I were you I would read a bunch of books first before the talk. That way you have a better understanding of how relationships work and more importantly how female sexuality works. Your going about it the wrong way to get what you want


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I won’t stay if things don’t get better once my kids are older. If I left now my young kids would bear nothing other than their dad is an asshole that left their mom high and dry. Won’t happen. When they’re old and mature enough to understand, I would consider leaving if it’s the status quo. But I gotta make an effort to change things and not simply ride it out.


This is what I don't understand. Left their mom high and dry??? Mom didn't want to have a husband/wife relationship, you didn't want to live a lie, so you decided to represent in reality what your relationship is. Coparent from different households. Have a 50/50 schedule. You are still a family, it just looks different than you and your wife living in the same house. 

I'm not advising do as I say not as I do 

I left a 16 year marriage after being a SAHM for 13 years, 2 kids, because I didn't want to live a lie.

I actually got closer to my kids, we formed our own new family.

We sold the home we lived in, split the proceeds. My ex bought a house. So did I. Kids 50/50 with the change in household happening by which bus they took home from school.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> My wife and her mom are close. She’s an only child. But my MIL doesn’t live with us. She visits often to see my wife and the kids. And when I work long stretches she comes to help out with the kids. I think this is normal. When she’s here, she helps with laundry. That’s not abnormal. Let’s not stretch this beyond that. We have intimacy. Just not physical intimacy.


What aspect of your marriage is a total secret from your MIL? 
Don't tell me because that would be betraying an intimacy. 
I'm not saying it isn't Normal, by which I think you mean common, I'm saying that it is unhealthy. 
Now of course you know your marriage better than anyone, But this is a red flag. 
I have 4 sisters, 3 sisters in law, 3 daughters, a mother and a mother in law. 
I have plenty of bad examples to choose from.

I take it you are not considering the vacation. Tell me about your hobby.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

My three hobbies are:
Working out
Golf
Playing with my kids.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> My three hobbies are:
> Working out
> Golf
> Playing with my kids.


I'd spend more time doing these things you really personally enjoy, and less time trying to have date nights and couples only vacations with your roommate. Date nights and couples vacations are for people in a sexually intimate relationship, not people who are just friends.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Those are really good.
Now how far away is a top destination on your golf bucket list?
Next we will work on the kids.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Well, add house cleaner to the list of how she's pampered in addition to all of the other things (seriously, a masseuse _comes to your house_ twice a month!!)
> 
> And she can't find the time or energy to have a sex life with you?
> 
> ...


Your mother in law washes your undies? 

What does your wife do as a SAHW? 

My kids are 2 years apart, I had no family close by, I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, grocery shopping, play time, mops groups, early childhood education programs, and had sex with my husband.

I wonder how I did it? 

When your spouse is a priority to you, you put the effort to make things happen. I remember not being in the mood for sex, but I knew how important sex was for my husband, so I just simply had sex with him or gave him a BJ. I did it because he is important to me and I love him. I appreciate what he does for me and our family. He deserves to feel appreciated and loved.

I think you guys need help understanding each other's needs.

I read this website and I liked the way this lady talks about married sex. I'm not Christian but I think it summarizes how important sex is in a marriage.








What I Learned About Sex After My First Marriage Failed | The Forgiven Wife


After a divorce, she vowed that she would never again take sexual intimacy for granted.




forgivenwife.com


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's nothing wrong that your wife's mom pitches in to help her out. Raising kids is too much for most people when they're young. Everyone can use the help. 

Why not just tell your wife that you will put your underwear in a sack in your closet and wash them yourself instead of putting them into the main laundry? I mean, if the mom is only helping out occasionally, she's not going to know if your underwear load has already been done or not. This isn't rocket science. Tell your wife, Hey, I'd rather your mom didn't see my underwear either. I'll keep them separate and wash them myself. Then do it. Don't let them lay there and grow mold.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Yeah. For sure an idea

Bucket list golf trips: Scotland, Florida swing, Cabo, Vegas courses


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just don't forget to fold them and put them up once they're dry!


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just don't forget to fold them and put them up once they're dry!


Yeah. I’d be on that! Or maybe I leave them and my MIL sees them, doesn’t say a word, and my wife realizes it’s not a big deal. I’ll just put them away.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK, in general to be interesting a man needs to be independently doing interesting things. This is why doing hobby things away from your wife (excluding her from your stuff) actually brings her closer to you. So you tell her I've always wanted to golf X course in Scotland. I'm not getting any younger, I'm going to plan that trip for 2025. In order to be ready for that I'm going to have to sharpen my game. This year I'm pretty sure I can do Las Vegas. 3 nights, two full days of golfing, will get me some time on different courses. Now I know you don't like Las Vegas, (or the kids will be in school, or whatever reason you can find) so I will just go myself. Don't worry about me, it's just to improve my game. 

This is the devilish bit. She already associates travel with sex. Going of to the capital of gambling and sex, is going to twig her alarm. Hopefully she will: a. Wonder if there is a side agenda. b. make sure you are not missing anything in your life before you go. c. get interested in this future Scotland trip (making sure she doesn't get left behind.) This is not a game! This is the truth, this is you pursuing your interesting goal. 

Continue golfing your regular schedule. Continue working out. Do whatever it takes to improve your game. But the important part is you will NEVER ask her permission to work on your game, and you will not let her schedule you away from a planed golf event. This is important to you. 

Now I my have gotten your schedule wrong or the trips in the wrong order, that's up to you. The important part is that you prove to her that you are interesting without her. Because, you are.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Thank you to everyone on this thread. This dialogue and advice is just what I needed to kick my butt into gear. Truth be told I’m not as confident in myself as I was when we got married. And I put a lot of confidence in how she sees and responds to me. No longer though. It’s a journey, but I’m starting now.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds much better. the determination sounds good on you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Live the life you want to live. Whether it makes her more sexual towards you is a long shot, but you need to do things that make you feel happy and like you are really living. You deserve that. We all do. Don't wait for her to get onboard. Just start planning golf vacations without her. Don't let her ask you to wait and she'll go with you or you'll be waiting forever. You could take one of the kids if you can see them enjoying any of it, which I doubt. When she questions it, you can just be honest and tell her, I need to spend more time doing things I enjoy, and I enjoy golf and traveling.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Thank you to everyone on this thread. This dialogue and advice is just what I needed to kick my butt into gear. Truth be told I’m not as confident in myself as I was when we got married. And I put a lot of confidence in how she sees and responds to me. No longer though. It’s a journey, but I’m starting now.


That’s good news. It sounds like you already have a lot of good things going for you. You just need to get a little more self confidence and let her off that pedestal. Get yourself some independence and don’t revolve around her so much. Don’t be so easy to reel in. Go on that golf trip. Don’t forget to read a few books


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Yeah. I’d be on that! Or maybe I leave them and my MIL sees them, doesn’t say a word, and my wife realizes it’s not a big deal. I’ll just put them away.


Yeah, if you're going to wear them... just wear them like it's no big deal. Because, really it isn't. Let us know how things go as you progress with the bigger picture of your marital dynamic.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Tell your wife, Hey, I'd rather your mom didn't see my underwear either. I'll keep them separate and wash them myself.


Or that you're getting ready to join the Magic Mike show... couldn't resist... also, I still haven't seen that movie. Quite some time back, my mother saw my underwear hanging to dry, and referred to them as my 'head-bands' haha (because of the size). So you could always go with that too. If you're bald, even better.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I am bald (shave my head) and have worn one of her thongs as a headband before as a joke when I found it in our hall. It had fallen out as she carried clothes to the laundry room. It was met with a lukewarm response. 

I will and may keep the discussion going. It’s going to be difficult to find a time to talk. Last night as soon as the kids were in bed she said she was exhausted and went to bed. I worked out and she was kind of asleep when I got to bed. Didn’t think that was an appropriate time to talk about intimacy.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I have some questions for y’all for my talk. There are things that have happened that have really bothered me related to intimacy in our marriage. 
1. Last year on my birthday I initiated sex after dinner. She rolled her eyes, basically stood like a statue as I took off her clothes, and then laid in bed looking pissed while getting me off w an HJ. Then walked out. I was a little traumatized to be honest and vowed after that to never initiate again. We’ve had sex twice since then but it’s been obvious by her she’s in the mood. Albeit I still have issues w each time. One was the first night of a vacation, as I’ve said basically the only time it happens. The second was after an online shopping haul came in of hers, she pounced on me in her closet. I took it as a thank you for the clothes. 

2. She at one point complained about her lingerie she got at her shower wasn’t what she liked. After we could afford it, I got her a set of nice (diamond) earrings for V-day and a nice bra and panty set. She’s not a huge lingerie person, so the panties were a lace thong in her normal brand. I thought she’d at least get wear out of them and I got her a matching lace bralette. I knew she wouldn’t wear that under clothes but thought I’d make the set. She’s never worn any of it. Not even the panties, which are the same she normally wears just in a distinct color. 

These have really bothered me (among other things) because it makes me think she’s not into me and doesn’t care.

Am I reaching here? Do I bring these things up?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't think you should bring up these specific instances.

Actually, what do you hope to accomplish with any talk? You say you refuse to end the relationship, and any talk you have isn't going to magically make her want a sex life with you.

I'd just start changing your life, if I were you, in how to relate to her, and start doing things on your own.

Honestly, the birthday scenario you describe is horrifying to me. I don't know how you can act normally to someone who did that to you. I wouldn't be able to.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I compartmentalize. So after that, I put sex/intimacy in a box and moved on. But it’s slowly eaten at me. The best approach: no. But I’m so busy in my daily life with other things I have no time to dwell on things. But it’s slowly eroded me. 

I think I want to talk to have answers. Am I not attractive to her, have I done something, has something she done affected this (cheating, etc), or is it classic she got a ring and is done. If I get an answer, it’ll make it easier for me to move on without considering her in so much I do. Like expensive vacations? No. I’d rather invest the money so I can retire earlier. That’s my thought process. I will say if it’s her cheating or if she says she’s no longer attracted and that won’t change, then I will consider leaving. 

I am confident enough to know there are plenty of women who would find me attractive enough to be with.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I compartmentalize. So after that, I put sex/intimacy in a box and moved on. But it’s slowly eaten at me. The best approach: no. But I’m so busy in my daily life with other things I have no time to dwell on things. But it’s slowly eroded me.
> 
> I think I want to talk to have answers. Am I not attractive to her, have I done something, has something she done affected this (cheating, etc), or is it classic she got a ring and is done. If I get an answer, it’ll make it easier for me to move on without considering her in so much I do. Like expensive vacations? No. I’d rather invest the money so I can retire earlier. That’s my thought process. I will say if it’s her cheating or if she says she’s no longer attracted and that won’t change, then I will consider leaving.
> 
> I am confident enough to know there are plenty of women who would find me attractive enough to be with.


To me, that sounds like a good plan. Beware she probably won't be honest with you. She is not going to say anything that will jeopardize the life structure she has going. Don't get sucked into things you know aren't true, or endless hoop jumping (like saying you only think about sex, sex isn't important, it's all your fault, she's too tired for sex, etc).. I'm sure some male posters with experience in this could advise on this from unfortunate experience. 

Be strong and don't get sucked into untruths.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I have some questions for y’all for my talk. There are things that have happened that have really bothered me related to intimacy in our marriage.
> 1. Last year on my birthday I initiated sex after dinner. She rolled her eyes, basically stood like a statue as I took off her clothes, and then laid in bed looking pissed while getting me off w an HJ. Then walked out. I was a little traumatized to be honest and vowed after that to never initiate again. We’ve had sex twice since then but it’s been obvious by her she’s in the mood. Albeit I still have issues w each time. One was the first night of a vacation, as I’ve said basically the only time it happens. The second was after an online shopping haul came in of hers, she pounced on me in her closet. I took it as a thank you for the clothes.
> 
> 2. She at one point complained about her lingerie she got at her shower wasn’t what she liked. After we could afford it, I got her a set of nice (diamond) earrings for V-day and a nice bra and panty set. She’s not a huge lingerie person, so the panties were a lace thong in her normal brand. I thought she’d at least get wear out of them and I got her a matching lace bralette. I knew she wouldn’t wear that under clothes but thought I’d make the set. She’s never worn any of it. Not even the panties, which are the same she normally wears just in a distinct color.
> ...


I've had a couple instances in my past where she gave plenty of signals she was doing me a favor with no authentic interest to participate emotionally in the sex that she was participating in. The couple or few times that has happened in our history, I've stopped her and said, no thanks. I don't need it that bad. No way would I let her take me to orgasm like that. Totally out of bounds and demeaning (to YOU) in my opinion.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mylehigh said:


> I've had a couple instances in my past where she gave plenty of signals she was doing me a favor with no authentic interest to participate emotionally in the sex that she was participating in. The couple or few times that has happened in our history, I've stopped her and said, no thanks. I don't need it that bad. No way would I let her take me to orgasm like that. Totally out of bounds and demeaning (to YOU) in my opinion.


In the immediate aftermath I wished I had stopped her in her tracks. In the moment, I was in disbelief and somewhat shock of what was happening. Sounds weird right? But true.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Figured I’d provide an update, big step for me. Wife called and asked if we could have a date night tonight. Kids had a babysitter this am, which means they’d have had her again tonight. I almost said yes and then thought about it and said no. I’d rather pick up dinner and spend time with the kids tonight. She’s a little surprised by that judging by her response.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Be aware that it could very well be possible that she doesn’t know the answer. She will however likely trickle feed just enough to keep the gravy train pulled into the station.
The bitter cold hard terrible truth is that she isn’t into you sexually.... even her actions during sex have proved it. 
I personally would not even make it a talk about sex (for the most part). I would simply say that as a relationship you are not getting what you need as a husband and lover from her, therefore you intend on focusing more on taking care of yourself and your interest as you see fit even if they don’t include her. ( I’m talking about golf or whatever... not screwing the neighbors)
Let her know your tired of being in a one direction relationship.

Forget the sex talk... likely won’t work. Better to have her understand you are shifting the dynamic of power in the relationship.... that has a MUCH better chance


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Figured I’d provide an update, big step for me. Wife called and asked if we could have a date night tonight. Kids had a babysitter this am, which means they’d have had her again tonight. I almost said yes and then thought about it and said no. I’d rather pick up dinner and spend time with the kids tonight. She’s a little surprised by that judging by her response.


This sounds good. I mean, it really is all about the kids, isn't it? You can spend time together as the friends that you and she are, in the presence of the kids, no need for a separate date night with a friend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, do you know that scientists have finally discovered what food kills a woman's sex drive by 90%?
> 
> It's wedding cake.


They say the _truth sets you free._

That can easily morph, just a bit, by just one letter, for one to simply_ flee._
To two letters, to acting and feeling the_ flea._ An inconvenient pest.

_The Typist-_


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Be aware that it could very well be possible that she doesn’t know the answer. She will however likely trickle feed just enough to keep the gravy train pulled into the station.
> The bitter cold hard terrible truth is that *she isn’t into you* sexually.... even her actions during sex have proved it.


To tell the OP that his wife isn't "into" him sexually implies that she has interest in sex, but just not with him.

Maybe I missed it, but I don't think the OP has said anything about her getting herself off without him, spending her time watching porn, having an affair or anything else that indicates she has an unsatisfied sex drive.

There is a big difference between loss or absence of libido and having someone be "not into" a specific person sexually. The former means she's not "into" ANYBODY sexually and the reasons could be psychological and/or physiological; the latter means *he* doesn't turn her on but someone else could.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mylehigh said:


> To tell the OP that his wife isn't "into" him sexually implies that she has interest in sex, but just not with him.
> 
> Maybe I missed it, but I don't think the OP has said anything about her getting herself off without him, spending her time watching porn, having an affair or anything else that indicates she has an unsatisfied sex drive.
> 
> There is a big difference between loss or absence of libido and having someone be "not into" a specific person sexually. The former means she's not "into" ANYBODY sexually and the reasons could be psychological and/or physiological; the latter means *he* doesn't turn her on but someone else could.


I understand what your getting at. Having read enough stories here on TAM about guys in sexless marriage that later find out their wife or ex wife has become a wild child in the bedroom is common. A woman can be a very different person sexually with different men. I maintain the position she isn’t into him sexually. Her sexuality is currently dormant.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mylehigh said:


> To tell the OP that his wife isn't "into" him sexually implies that she has interest in sex, but just not with him.
> 
> Maybe I missed it, but I don't think the OP has said anything about her getting herself off without him, spending her time watching porn, having an affair or anything else that indicates she has an unsatisfied sex drive.
> 
> There is a big difference between loss or absence of libido and having someone be "not into" a specific person sexually. The former means she's not "into" ANYBODY sexually and the reasons could be psychological and/or physiological; the latter means *he* doesn't turn her on but someone else could.


Yeah no. The sex dried up to a degree right after engagement then a lot after the wedding. If she could shine it on to hook him into marriage, she could keep up a semblance of intimacy inside the marriage. This shows she knows marriage is a sexual relationship and that OP wants that.

If she's not into anyone sexually, she should not be married, unless her husband wants to be sexless.

Before my divorce, I wasn't into "porn, getting myself off, having an affair", etc. etc. I wasn't interested in my husband sexually anymore (because of his actions towards me) and I wasn't particularly interested in sex, I'd turned off. So you can't argue that it's _not_ a case of she's not that into HIM is she's not doing those things.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Figured I’d provide an update, big step for me. Wife called and asked if we could have a date night tonight. Kids had a babysitter this am, which means they’d have had her again tonight. I almost said yes and then thought about it and said no. I’d rather pick up dinner and spend time with the kids tonight. She’s a little surprised by that judging by her response.


Just know you are playing a dangerous game. Sometime it works sometimes it doesn't. Couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week around each other and the more time spent being a couple instead of daddy and mommy the stronger the relationship. By turning down date night you are cutting into the emotional aspect of a relationship which is where most women are grounded. For men sex for women emotional connection. So you are already upset at the sexual aspect and you are cutting her off of the emotional aspect. This is a great recipe for divorce. The 180 is for people who are detaching for the purpose of ending a relationship.

Have you read His needs Her needs? Love languages? Are you prepared to have a relationship conversation. Because that is what you need not a sex talk. You need to bring the relationship up its positives and where there are short falls. Often times women stop or slow down sex for multiple reasons. Small children and being touched out and in mommy mode is one. But one of the other big ones is harboring resentment. You many not see or know what she has to be resentful of but have you two honestly talked about anything bothering either of you? Expressing you desire for sex within your relationship and what needs she may have or feel are unmet is going to be more productive than just sitting down and saying I want more sex, you owe me sex... blah blah blah. 

This issue has been hashed out here many times over. Very few see results they'd like. 

On your birthday with the hand job did you do anything at all to make sure she was satisfied? HOw often during these sexual encounters does she orgasm?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Just know you are playing a dangerous game. Sometime it works sometimes it doesn't. Couples need to spend at least 15 hours a week around each other and the more time spent being a couple instead of daddy and mommy the stronger the relationship. By turning down date night you are cutting into the emotional aspect of a relationship which is where most women are grounded. For men sex for women emotional connection. So you are already upset at the sexual aspect and you are cutting her off of the emotional aspect. This is a great recipe for divorce. The 180 is for people who are detaching for the purpose of ending a relationship.
> 
> Have you read His needs Her needs? Love languages? Are you prepared to have a relationship conversation. Because that is what you need not a sex talk. You need to bring the relationship up its positives and where there are short falls. Often times women stop or slow down sex for multiple reasons. Small children and being touched out and in mommy mode is one. But one of the other big ones is harboring resentment. You many not see or know what she has to be resentful of but have you two honestly talked about anything bothering either of you? Expressing you desire for sex within your relationship and what needs she may have or feel are unmet is going to be more productive than just sitting down and saying I want more sex, you owe me sex... blah blah blah.
> 
> ...


In response to the last paragraph, I tried. I pulled out her vibrator as she laid there and used it a few minutes w fingering before she said ‘it’s fine, we’re done’ and left the bed. I try to make sure she’s satisfied every time we have sex, whether that’s oral, fingering, toys, etc. I’m a lover that gets more pleasure from getting her off than myself off. And I’ve told her that repeatedly. She loved it while we were dating. Now she gives me no time. It’s always rushed, she wants me in her, and as soon as I’m done she’s done. It’s painful.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mylehigh said:


> To tell the OP that his wife isn't "into" him sexually implies that she has interest in sex, but just not with him.
> 
> Maybe I missed it, but I don't think the OP has said anything about her getting herself off without him, spending her time watching porn, having an affair or anything else that indicates she has an unsatisfied sex drive.
> 
> There is a big difference between loss or absence of libido and having someone be "not into" a specific person sexually. The former means she's not "into" ANYBODY sexually and the reasons could be psychological and/or physiological; the latter means *he* doesn't turn her on but someone else could.


I don’t know if she’s doing any of that or not. She’s a SAHM and I work a lot. We have separate iPads, computers, and phones. I don’t spy on her. Does she do it around me? No.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Yeah no. The sex dried up to a degree right after engagement then a lot after the wedding. If she could shine it on to hook him into marriage, she could keep up a semblance of intimacy inside the marriage. This shows she knows marriage is a sexual relationship and that OP wants that.
> 
> If she's not into anyone sexually, she should not be married, unless her husband wants to be sexless.
> 
> Before my divorce, I wasn't into "porn, getting myself off, having an affair", etc. etc. I wasn't interested in my husband sexually anymore (because of his actions towards me) and I wasn't particularly interested in sex, I'd turned off. So you can't argue that it's _not_ a case of she's not that into HIM is she's not doing those things.


Knowing that a marriage is or at least should be a sexual relationship is not something I would disagree with. It's just not fair to the OP to assume that it is somehow him. Her libido could have been turned off for any number of reasons. Your situation appears pretty clear cut - hers could have any number of drivers we don't know about here.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I think that’s why I’m so driven to talk to her. I get it, I’m going to do me and work on myself. But, let’s say she says ‘I’m in love with someone else, (long shot, but using the wildest example)’ then I move on. No amount of working out and doing me is going to change that. If she says something we can work through she’s been holding on to, then there we go down that path. If she says she’s not into sex, then I know she’s not into me. Because she’s been into sex before. I know that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's not into sex with you. That doesn't mean she wouldn't be into it with a new man. It's startling how quickly things went downhill in that department once you had sex once married. But I think for women, once they don't think of you that way, they just don't. And all this about wanting to wear a thong and putting her underwear on your head isn't helping matters. When do you think you first let her know about this side of you? Could it be she just feels like you're not present sexually ever since the marriage for some reason? Have you given her reason to wonder about your sexuality? I mean, we know here you feel sexual towards her, but I wonder if she thinks maybe you're just going through the motions but your preferences are elsewhere or something.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Maybe that’s why we need to talk .. she’s not told me. But I can’t assume. I think she knows where I’m at sexually. Before we were married I initiated often and was never rejected. Since marriage, she has rejected me so much she holds the cards. 

I’ve always been silly at home and joke around a lot. I don’t think the underwear on my head has scarred her permanently. But ... I could be wrong


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There is a missing part of this story. Can you tell us where Father in law is when Mother in law is staying at your place?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Yeah. At their house. Working. He’ll come up on the weekends occasionally. My MIL stays at home (Doesn’t work). They’re in their 60s. She comes to see her daughter (my wife) and her grandkids. I never thought this was uncommon.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Better than my fears. You should probably pay him a visit one of the times this happens in the near future. He may have some insights for you. She is his only daughter too.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My mother in law has a lot more grandkids to split her attention up.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I wouldn’t bring them into our relationship. That’s a disaster to get in-laws involved. Even I know that ... besides, I don’t want insight from him. Host of reasons why.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> In response to the last paragraph, I tried. I pulled out her vibrator as she laid there and used it a few minutes w fingering before she said ‘it’s fine, we’re done’ and left the bed. I try to make sure she’s satisfied every time we have sex, whether that’s oral, fingering, toys, etc. I’m a lover that gets more pleasure from getting her off than myself off. And I’ve told her that repeatedly. She loved it while we were dating. Now she gives me no time. It’s always rushed, she wants me in her, and as soon as I’m done she’s done. It’s painful.


Yet you keep accepting sex this way. You are telling her that this is acceptable sex to you. You get off. Next time try saying something to the effect I love you and want to make passionate love to you. IF you don't want that let's talk about why.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, it seems that you have answered my question much more completely than I expected. I'm just not sure why you believe that in laws are not involved. I do back your decision on this.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I’ve tried. I’ve told her we’ll get her off then worry about me. And I can tell after time she checks out. Reactions get less, things get dry, it’s over. I’ve been with enough women to realize when they’re done. I’m a responsible lover. But it just seems to me she has no interest.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes and the why is important. That's my point. Some men have the sex talk. It's just I want more sex. That is bound not to be helpful. It may even increase sex but it sure won't increase desire and often builds resentment.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

We’ve yet to have time to talk this week. But I am off this am and have a tee time. Invited her to ride with me as we have a babysitter coming until lunch. Planning on using the alone time to discuss what’s going on. Wish me well!


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

It's no one's business what underwear you wear. Do what is comfortable for you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I’m kind of with @Mr.Married on this one.

Also I wouldn’t suggest asking if she’s attracted to you - it demonstrates an insecurity and gives her leverage to cause hurt (even if unintentional). However, if the conversation is around being on the same team and sharing what you each need and what you’re both prepared to do to get there, then it reframes or at least facilitates the chance to shift from blame / pity / insecurity / resentment ...to figuring it out together in a more helpful way.

As for the undies on your head... I’m all for playfulness and goofiness. Yet, her reaction could tell you that either that’s not her personality, or maybe she was feeling stressed / frustrated or something and wasn’t funny to her at the time. Timing is everything  ...and yet, sometimes a goofy moment can intercept feelings of stress etc.


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## QueenieHeart84 (Jul 31, 2020)

I have evolved in my personal preference for underwear due to comfort, as well as the confidence wearing a thong provides. 
——————

my Hubs Changed to thongs a while back and it was different for a minute, but his confidence riled me up. He didn’t make a big deal of it, which had me very turned on.

do you. If your wife changed her underwear style to anything different, would you still be attracted To her? if the answer is yes, then you love her for her. And that’s how she should love you back.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

We talked about two hours yesterday. She said by the end of the day after being with two kids she’s done. Exhausted, has nothing more to give. I explained how we’ve had sex twice this year, and I’m looking for more intimacy, not just sex. She said she understood but just doesn’t know what more she has. She thought every couple was like this and I explained I don’t think that’s the case. She also said my sex drive is much higher than hers, which I explained while we were dating they matched. She had no response. 

It ultimately ended w me explaining why I’m uncomfortable initiating any more in the near future, but that I expect more intimate moments. She said she understood. I’m giving it until December to improve. I have come full circle. In January, if we haven’t progressed in more intimate moments and her being into it and not just going through the motions, I’ll have to consider moving on. I feel so much more free after talking to her. All cards are on the table.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You say your kids are small - how small? Any special needs?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

3 and 5. No special needs at all.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

It boils down to at the end of the day, she wants alone time to recharge and I want intimate time with her to recharge. She wins every time bc I’m not just going to sit beside her on the couch while she surfs her phone or reads a magazine. I workout, get work done around the house, etc.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Then I suggest that she restructure her day and manage her time better. She needs to build in some me time during the day so that she doesn't flake out on her responsibility to you in the evening. Normally, your 5 year old would be in school part of the day and the 3 year old possibly in daycare learning socialization. Hopefully, you won't consider homeschooling beyond the current situation because then you really will be up schitt's creek.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

We don’t homeschool. School starts in a couple of weeks but w COVID who knows. She has had a babysitter two mornings a week to give her time. I don’t know what she does w it though.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We talked about two hours yesterday. She said by the end of the day after being with two kids she’s done. Exhausted, has nothing more to give.


How often do you take over caring for the kids and give your wife a full day just for herself (or at least an afternoon)? 

My point here would be personal space and paying attention to the fact that your wife may not have any. If she momentarily escapes with a mobile device while tending to the kids, that may be all she gets. Perhaps she would like to get out of the house and spend a day doing stuff with her friends while you care for the kids. Doing something like that will not have an immediate impact on your intimate life, but at the end of the day she will have a lot to share and talk about with you. Once THAT happens and becomes enjoyable it will allow the two of you to become more connected and improve that chances and quality of intimacy. 

On the other hand if your wife is stuck caring for kids all day, cleaning up messes, preparing meals, washing cloths, calling the doctor in regards to an ear infection for one of the kids, cleaning up cat throw up off the couch, searching for a lost part of a children's toy, killing ninja death jumping spiders behind the bed, saying a mental eulogy for having lost twenty pairs of scissors in the house that can never to be found again, unstopping the toilet for one child that uses way to much toilet paper, searching youtube to help one crying child beat an unfair boss in a video game, replacing the batteries in a Harry Potter light-up magic wand that are an odd button size, and eventually giving up and allowing the kids to rip the living room apart so that they can build a pirate fort.... don't expect her to be in the mood for wild and crazy sex at the end of the day. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

I get what you’re saying. I know she has a tough day. But I work a lot and give us everything we need AND anything we want. I’m home most weekends and one morning and one afternoon a week. When I’m home, I take over the kids. Cooking, playing, cleaning, you name it. I let her do whatever she wants. Often times it’s a target run or grocery store, but she has freedom to make other plans. At least she’s doing those solo!

I bring in a masseuse every other week for her. Dinners out just us every week. I’m not sure there’s much more I can do to be honest. But maybe I’m to blame. Any suggestions would be great. 

I’m just believing there’s only one ultimate reason for a sexless marriage. That you don’t want to have sex.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have someone coming in to help with laundry/cleaning as well, right?

We told you there would be excuses.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife has it far easier than a lot of mothers and she is not fulfilling her role as a partner in marriage. Check with an attorney now to get a feel for what a divorce would look like. If she's this tired with all of the help she is getting, how will she manage when she has to go to work and care for the kids on her scheduled days? Something for her to think about. 

Something for you to think about is to cut back on the vacations and her love for shopping. You don't get your need met for an involved partner - she doesn't get her need met for shopping and vacations. As my Mom would say "Who does she think she is - the Queen of Sheba?".


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We talked about two hours yesterday. She said by the end of the day after being with two kids she’s done. Exhausted, has nothing more to give. I explained how we’ve had sex twice this year, and I’m looking for more intimacy, not just sex. She said she understood but just doesn’t know what more she has. She thought every couple was like this and I explained I don’t think that’s the case. She also said my sex drive is much higher than hers, which I explained while we were dating they matched. She had no response.
> 
> It ultimately ended w me explaining why I’m uncomfortable initiating any more in the near future, but that I expect more intimate moments. She said she understood. I’m giving it until December to improve. I have come full circle. In January, if we haven’t progressed in more intimate moments and her being into it and not just going through the motions, I’ll have to consider moving on. I feel so much more free after talking to her. All cards are on the table.


Her excuses are NOT acceptable reasons to NEVER want sex...sometimes, sure, but absolutely not twice a year.

I think you are handling this the right way - telling her what you need, watching for her to follow through in a certain amount of time, and then planning on moving on if she doesn't care about meeting your needs.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife has it far easier than a lot of mothers and she is not fulfilling her role as a partner in marriage. Check with an attorney now to get a feel for what a divorce would look like. If she's this tired with all of the help she is getting, how will she manage when she has to go to work and care for the kids on her scheduled days? Something for her to think about.
> 
> Something for you to think about is to cut back on the vacations and her love for shopping. You don't get your need met for an involved partner - she doesn't get her need met for shopping and vacations. As my Mom would say "Who does she think she is - the Queen of Sheba?".


BRILLIANT post!!!


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I don’t know if she’s doing any of that or not. She’s a SAHM and I work a lot. We have separate iPads, computers, and phones. I don’t spy on her. Does she do it around me? No.


Knowledge is power.
You need power if you are going to rectify your situation.
Maybe you better find out what is on those devices.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I get what you’re saying. I know she has a tough day. But I work a lot and give us everything we need AND anything we want. I’m home most weekends and one morning and one afternoon a week. When I’m home, I take over the kids. Cooking, playing, cleaning, you name it. I let her do whatever she wants. Often times it’s a target run or grocery store, but she has freedom to make other plans. At least she’s doing those solo!
> 
> I bring in a masseuse every other week for her. Dinners out just us every week. I’m not sure there’s much more I can do to be honest. But maybe I’m to blame. Any suggestions would be great.
> 
> I’m just believing there’s only one ultimate reason for a sexless marriage. That you don’t want to have sex.


NOPE, you are absolutely NOT to blame. 

I NEVER had any help (or perks) like that with either of my husbands, and I was still watching at the door for them to get home from work so we could have sex...because I wanted to have sex, just like you said.

I wonder what would happen if you stopped taking care of HER "needs" for all those special treats...would SHE be ok giving all that up...??


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Knowledge is power.
> You need power if you are going to rectify your situation.
> Maybe you better find out what is on those devices.


I’d love to, but her computer has a password and the iPhone doesn’t leave her side. In stressful times have I thought she may be cheating or have cheated? It’s crossed my mind. But when I’m logical about it I don’t think there’s any way she has.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> It boils down to at the end of the day, she wants alone time to recharge and I want intimate time with her to recharge. She wins every time bc I’m not just going to sit beside her on the couch while she surfs her phone or reads a magazine. I workout, get work done around the house, etc.


She wins every time because you let her.
You are now essentially in a female led relationship, instead of a balanced one.
You need to require her to spend some intimate time with you.
It sounds like you give her the resources (extra help) to make that happen.
The suggestion for her to restructure her day is an excellent one.
It should be made incumbent upon her to do so.
In addition, you appear to be too passive.
She needs to see you "Drifting away" from her.
Continue with the workouts. Get a new haircut, some new clothes, new cologne, etc.
Let her see you taking care of yourself.
Without sacrificing your family life or time with her, you need to go out with friends without her.
You need to position yourself to deal from a position of strength.
She needs to see that actions have consequences.
You need to develop a tone where you mean what you say, and let her see that you walk your talk.
Therefore, if she is a slow learner, when you sit down and have that "Final" talk, she will be more apt to take you seriously.
It took me seven years of my own relationship (and I went through some of the same things) to learn that someone can only treat you like crap with your own permission.
However, you can only achieve change through strength.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I’d love to, but her computer has a password and the iPhone doesn’t leave her side. In stressful times have I thought she may be cheating or have cheated? It’s crossed my mind. But when I’m logical about it I don’t think there’s any way she has.


Figure out what it is.
Observe her logging in.
Find a computer geek to break in.
Whatever it takes.
I'm not necessarily saying she is cheating.
However, she spends much time on her devices and appears to be secretive about it.
In contrast, my wife and I both have laptops and iphones.
We know each others passwords and both use either of the computers.
We both use each others phones. No secrets.
One time I got PO'd that she was on her phone too much.
She brought it over to me and MADE ME GO THROUGH IT RIGHT THEN.
That made a strong statement to me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> I bring in a masseuse every other week for her. Dinners out just us every week. I’m not sure there’s much more I can do to be honest. But maybe I’m to blame. Any suggestions would be great.


I would get rid of the masseuse and replace that in the budget for a maid. In my opinion the masseuse is likely taking away for an opportunity for intimacy in that you and your wife should be the one's massaging each other's back. In the meantime a maid will help free up some of her energy and patience to enjoy being close with you at the end of the day. 

Also try and be aware and actively appreciative of the things your wife does for the kids. There can be a tendency for someone to build resentment over time if no one ever notices or appreciates efforts that take place in the home. 

Watch out for romance novels. Those are the equivalent of porn. Wives that read those are exposed to unrealistic ideas of romance in a relationship and can build resentment that romance in real life with a spouse is nowhere near as exciting and stimulating. If your wife is reading those, odds are she self services herself in the process and is done by the time you get home and not interested in anything else. If she is reading them, give one a read for yourself and engage her on the plot as if you are a member of a book club, but just to point out how unrealistic and silly the romance is just like how a porno portrays women more than willing to have enthusiastic sex with zero romantic context (such as immediately banging a pizza guy just because he displayed his junk through a hole in the center of a pizza box). The point being is to point out how unrealistic things are and talk about it. 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I would get rid of the masseuse and replace that in the budget for a maid. In my opinion the masseuse is likely taking away for an opportunity for intimacy in that you and your wife should be the one's massaging each other's back. In the meantime a maid will help free up some of her energy and patience to enjoy being close with you at the end of the day.
> 
> Also try and be aware and actively appreciative of the things your wife does for the kids. There can be a tendency for someone to build resentment over time if no one ever notices or appreciates efforts that take place in the home.
> 
> ...


We have a maid. 

She doesn’t read romance novels. Nothing for me to deal with in that regard.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We have a maid.
> 
> She doesn’t read romance novels. Nothing for me to deal with in that regard.


Well then she is quickly running out of excuses in my mind!


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> She doesn’t read romance novels. Nothing for me to deal with in that regard.


Plenty of those type of stories on line.
Are you sure what she is doing with all the time on her phone/tablet?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Sure. There are a million scenarios. Or there’s Occam’s razor. She doesn’t want to or have to have sex. So she doesn’t.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Sure. There are a million scenarios. Or there’s Occam’s razor. She doesn’t want to or have to have sex. So she doesn’t.


I think your getting the gist of your reality finally. You sound like a decent catch.... just ditch her a get the things you have EARNED in life. No use being successfully miserable. I bet you would prefer a 2 bedroom condo with a cute partner that likes you rather than a sexless mansion. Happiness is worth a fortune.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I think your getting the gist of your reality finally. You sound like a decent catch.... just ditch her a get the things you have EARNED in life. No use being successfully miserable. I bet you would prefer a 2 bedroom condo with a cute partner that likes you rather than a sexless mansion. Happiness is worth a fortune.


You have no idea how much that scenario comes to mind.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> We have a maid.


Wooooooow.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Wooooooow.


Not full time. Let me clarify.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Sure. There are a million scenarios. Or there’s Occam’s razor. She doesn’t want to or have to have sex. So she doesn’t.


Well you can inform her that when you want to have sex that you will have sex with her or alone and that you would prefer to share that as something positive in the marriage. If she does not want to have sex and thinks she does not have to, she can do that. But you can ask her to leave the bedroom, let her sleep on the couch and give you some privacy. Make HER feel like the one being rejected!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> You have no idea how much that scenario comes to mind.


While my wife and I didn’t have any serious issues I would like to give you a heads up of how I handled things some years back.
I’ve worked in oil and gas for a long time. I made a couple leaps at the right time when the drilling industry was booming. I bought a huge house on a lake, fancy cars, airplanes, a big shop I filled with engineering stuff, golf carts, new vehicles for my kids, overseas vacations and the list goes on. The more I gave to my wife and children the more they expected from me. The more money I made the more unfriendly my wife became. One day I had enough and called her out on it. I forced her to make some hard choices about what she was doing as a mother but not as a wife. We now live in a much smaller home that is paid for and a lifestyle that is very comfortable but much more affordable. I made her get a job so she could better respect what it takes in life to make it. She is much more pleasant to be around and sex is eager and plentiful.
I recommend you put your wife in the position of difficult choices..... or just get rid of her.


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> Sure. There are a million scenarios. Or there’s Occam’s razor. She doesn’t want to or have to have sex. So she doesn’t.


Oh come on now... you can't come on here and generate a 10 page thread and have that be the take away! LOL

Way too many awesome theories to contemplate. The most fun ones are where it's all your fault and you don't do enough for her.

Disclaimer: This post is supposed to sound playfully sarcastic with a good ole' slap on the back and a wink. Just having a moment of fun.

P.S. - I love the Occam's razor reference.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

being a SAHM is hard. I've been there without any help.

Does your wife have any friends? Does she interact with other adults? Do you think she's depressed?

When my kids were your kids age I joined mom's groups in my area to save my sanity. I needed to talk to other moms and get a different perspective of what other stay at home moms were going through. 

Those groups helped me understand I wasn't alone in many situations my family was going through. Those group meetings fueled my love and dedication to my husband and kids. I learned to appreciate my skills as a mom and my husband's efforts to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. We might think we have it bad but when we compare ourselves to others, we might be living a very comfortable life.

I don't know if your wife realizes how good of a life she's got. And I agree with other post saying she doesn't realize how hard it would be for her to live on her own as a divorced mom. 

You definitely need to kinda give her an ultimatum. And also, how come you don't have access to her computer or phone? There shouldn't be any secrets between a married couple. I think it's not ok to not have access to your spouse's devices.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Damn, people. Password protected phone never leaves her side, computer password protected too, sexless marriage, claims is too tired from being a stay at home mom but has a maid and her mom coming over to help and husband takes over the kids for a half day a week while she goes out. 

Marriedguy1024, hire a PI to follow her and you'll find out soon enough that you're the only sexless one in the marriage.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

So you’ve told her what you need.
She’s expressed exhaustion. God the visiting masseuse sounds great to have. And a maid/cleaner. So there’s resources available to her to get some chill time. Now she has opportunity to figure out other adjustments to increase her energy/step back into making intimacy a priority with you. This is something you could work on together. But my suggestion is to really observe and listen... for her actions changing. If she wants that with you.


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

So now the question. Do me with the underwear choice or not?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> So you’ve told her what you need.
> She’s expressed exhaustion. God the visiting masseuse sounds great to have. And a maid/cleaner. So there’s resources available to her to get some chill time. Now she has opportunity to figure out other adjustments to increase her energy/step back into making intimacy a priority with you. This is something you could work on together. But my suggestion is to really observe and listen... for her actions changing. If she wants that with you.


I'd bet a million dollars the "too tired" is an excuse. We told you that would happen. She had to say something, right? It's not going to be the truth, she doesn't want to lose the excellent life set up she has.

Is she's too tired for sex then she's too tired for her shopping sprees, right? And she's nodding off and getting herself to bed by 9 pm and actually going to sleep?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriedguy1024 said:


> So now the question. Do me with the underwear choice or not?


Are you asking if you should start wearing a thong for your comfort? If yes, have you not been listening? 

Have you had the convo where she states what she intends to do once the kids are school age (work, volunteer etc)?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Short progress since we talked. She’s woken up and worked out with me for the past two mornings. She walked into the shower and joined me once. I invited friends (men and women) over two nights and handled most everything. She said she had a great time both nights. We’ll see. Not a sprint but a marathon.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How is having friends over and you handling everything progress as to sexual intimacy in your relationship?


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## 345425 (Jul 24, 2020)

Provides her an outlet, social interaction. Kids played with other kids so we weren’t just parenting all night. Trying to give her a little escape. Plus it was my idea. So I didn’t want to dump the work on her. It wasn’t a lot. Just getting food and drinks ready.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's like all of the discussion on this thread didn't even happen. I'm out.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)




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