# My Wife Thinks I'm Crazy and wants to separate



## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I am 32 with 2 daughters aged 4 and 17 months. I have been married for 6 yrs and I was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder 2yrs ago. I have suffered with mental health issues since my early 20s without really admitting the cause of my problems. This all came to a head 2 yrs ago when I left my job without telling my wife. I spent 3 months lying to my wife telling her i was going to work while in fact I sat in my car with my tortured mind. Foolishly one night while I was completely drunk I came home and put all the gas on in the cooker. I honestly have no redcollection of doing this and while I had suicidal thoughts about myself I never at all once thought about harming my family. Obviously my wife kicked me out and reported the issue to the authorities.

At this point I had reached the bottom of the barrel and decided to confront my issues once and for all. I was admitted to a mental health facility where I finally broke down and admitted that I had been sexually abused by my father over a number of years when I was very young. Incredibly after 8 months of treatment and counselling with a therapist I managed to convince my wife to give me another chance and I moved back into the family home. This should be the part where I say we lived happilly ever after but unfortunately this is not the case.

For the last 6 months I have fallen back into the doldrums again. In this time I have left 2 jobs without my wife knowing. I have lied to her, all our family and my therapist about how I am feeling. I have taken out loans with banks to make it appear I was getting paid. I have produced forged payslips at home and forged a lot of other documents. I eventually broke down 2 weeks ago and told my wife I was out of work. Through her own investigations she found out about jobs I lost and loans I took out. Obviously she now no longer believes a single thing I say. I am out of the family home again and only calling to see the kids for 2 hours every second day. She believes that I am now just a pure evil person and believes I am dangerous to be around.

I have to hold my hands up and say I have been a horrible person and husband. I do believe that despite all that I have done I am a good person inside. It is now clear to me that I need a lot more help to get over the abuse problems. I am completely heartbroken to have slipped down a bad road again.

I want peoples advice on this. People might think I'm mad but I truly love the bones of my wife and I want her back. What can I do to win her around and to show her I can be the man she wants?

Please help me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Spursmad, in my opinion the only way you can show her that you're the man she wants is to deal with your issues, and maintain that. Only changes over time will prove that you have things under control. And in the meantime, she HAS to do what she needs to in order to protect herself and the kids.

Did you stay in therapy after you moved back in with your family? Are you on any medications, and are you taking them properly?

C


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> What can I do to win her around and to show her I can be the man she wants?


I think before you can even consider winning her back, you need to reclaim yourself. That will take a great deal of time and effort, considering the first round of treatment didn't result in long-term recovery.

Trust is very hard to earn, and it takes only an instant to lose it. Your wife may decide not to give you another chance.

Again, you should be completely focused on getting healthy rather than doing it to "win" back your wife. 

I could be wrong, but from your post it sounds as if you suffer from co-morbidity; in other words, you have a personality disorder and (perhaps?) an addiction as well. Do you abuse alcohol to numb the pain you are experiencing?


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I stayed in therapy throughout but also began to lie to the man. He was also under the illusion that everything was going well. I know I completely messed up but I didn't want to show weakness by admitting I was sliding downhill again. I worked so hard to get her back and did not want to put it in jeopardy. Once again I tried to deal with my problems on my own and completely ****ed up. I'm such an idiot.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

What your father did to you was terrible and inexcusable. But that doesn't mean you get a free pass now. 

You need to focus on yourself and taking care of yourself. 

You need to seek help for yourself and not just for the intent of winning back your wife. If you are not seeking help and counseling for _yourself _then it is not going to work. If you are not honest with your counselor then it is not going to work. I can totally understand why you don't want to be seen as weak. I'm sure your father's abuse made you feel very weak and vulnerable and I'm sure you don't like feeling that way. No one does. But you are going to have to own those feelings before you can deal with them and move on. 

Be honest with yourself, do you really blame your wife for not trusting you? You are probably lucky you get to see your kids at all after the gas incident. 

If you work on yourself and your issues then in time perhaps your wife will see a change in you and take you back. But if she does or doesn't you are going to need to work on your issues for your own sake if you ever expect to have any kind of decent life and to be a father to your kids. 

Do it for yourself.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I did abuse alcohol for 7 yrs but have not drank since the night I left the gas on. I used alcohlol to numb the pain but I will not be going back down that road.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I have told the therapist everything at this stage. I know i need to do this for myself and because the kids need a good hard working productive father and I believe I am that man. Obviously everything is still a bit raw at the moment and maybe time will change things. Its just that even my actions don't show it I love that woman so much.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> I have told the therapist everything at this stage. I know i need to do this for myself and because the kids need a good hard working productive father and I believe I am that man. Obviously everything is still a bit raw at the moment and maybe time will change things. Its just that even my actions don't show it I love that woman so much.



It's great that you are being honest with your therapist. I know it must be hard. 

Focus on yourself and being the kind of person you know you can be. 

I'm sorry for all that happened to you when you were young. Please keep up the work.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wow what a sad story. Focus on getting better, join support groups but you also need to give your family time to heal. You may also need to come to the realization that your wife might not take you back. Yes it's harsh but for a moment think about what they have gone through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I am really sorry for what you've been through. From the way your wife has forgiven you in the past, deep down, I'm sure that she knows that you are a good person Maybe she's just trying to protect herself by being very harsh.

Others have given great advice. I can only add a couple of ideas. Reading through your history, there seems to be a tendency to rationalize your actions at the time, and to attribute many things to something that has been done to you. My advice is certainly atypical, but I've been through some really bad memories in the past. You've got to begin accepting the blame for your actions (slowly, but surely) and find ways of accountability. Sounds harsh, but what happened to you happened. Take on a healthy arrogant attitude that you will be the person that you want to be because you have already overcome things that would make others fall. So challenge yourself to take the accountability. If you quit a job, and then realize the error, call the people who need to know and tell them, "I did this... Looking back, I can't believe it, but I will do this (fill in something) going forward.

Your love for your wife is awesome. Recognize that some damage has been done. Start being the person you can be, and find ways to let her know once you are 100% sure that an improvment is truly an improvement. Even at your best, you still have an underlying condition. One day, hopefully, she'll see that the good far outweighs the tough patches.

In my case, my wife always tries to tell me that I should forgive those who abused me, even though they don't recognize that they need it. In my heart, I've just put it past me and removed them from my life. I won't give the event the honor of causing me to do something bad (yeah, I do really make mistakes, but this is a mindset), or hurting a relationship. What I'm saying is that I'm trying to doggedly turn it into something that makes me a better person instead.

Probably this is all pie in the sky stuff, but its meant to be more of a way of looking at your past. If your wife thinks that you love her enough to try to be a radically different person, an overcomer, you have at least one inroad back into her life.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Thank you all so much for your comments and support. I spoken again to my therapist today and he is more or less advising me the same. He suggests for now that I have to put the issue of getting back with my wife to one side. I now know I need to get better first and foremost for myself and then for my 2 daughters. I honestly believe in my head that I have burned all bridges with my wife but in my heart I still feel that even though she hates me at the moment the love she feels for me will not just die. My therapist believes the best way forward is to get myself better for me and my kids and if anything happens with my wife it will be a bonus. he feels my wife will be grieving as if this was a death in the family. I have held my hands up and taken responsibility for my action and now realis I have to take the consequences. There is no defence for my behaviour.

I did send her an email last night trying to tell her how I feel when I get depressed and professing my undying love for her. This is what I sent:

Dear xxxxxx,

I am writing this email as it seems impossible for us to talk to each other at the moment without getting into an argument. I want you to know that I have done a lot of soul searching over the last few days. I realise that my behaviour has been absolutely appalling for what is nearly the last 2 years now. Having recovered as a couple from the incident in Sept 2009 I am absolutely disgusted with myself that we find ourselves separated again. I cannot expect you to believe me when I speak but all I can do know is to be truthful. As you already know I have again continously lied to you since last Sept about working and our finances. I knew back then that I was in trouble again with my mental state and quiet honestly I felt that if I confided in you and therapist that there was a possibility of losing you which was something I never wanted. I now know that I was completely wrong to feel this as I am sure that you would have been supportful as you have always been to me.

I really need you to know how I feel and what happens to me when I get depressed. Every morning I wake up and I feel useless. I look at you next to me in the bed and I say my wife deserves better than me and i'm not good enough for her. I say how can this beautiful lady actually love somebody like me. I feel completely worthless. I even look at the kids and think they deserve a better father than me. I feel a complete failure in myself for letting ye all down in the past. The problem is that I place no value in myself. I don't know really. I've spoke to therapist about this and he says it's basically because I don't value myself that I end up pushing the people I love the most away from me. To him it's obviously classic behaviour from a sexual abuse victim. But I also think that I probably spent so much time thinking I was useless that I'm finding it a lot longer than I thought it would to break free from it's torture. I am absolutely certain that I will overcome these issues with therapist help and become the honest, reliable person that I was before and will be again. I am absolutely convinced I will beat depression and all the problems it has brought for us.

I don't expect you to forgive me for this but I think it's important for me to tell you what goes on in my head. It does go some way to explaining my crazy behaviour and the irrational choices I have made aswell as other problems I have. My biggest fear ever in life was actually losing you and the girls and in some ridiculous fashion thats exactly what I made happen. I honestly think looking back my biggest mistake was going to Tony on my own. You should have been involved in all this from the start and I feel this would have definitely given me a better chance of succeeding and over coming my problems. 

I can't really say anymore. I am sorry. I have been nasty over the last few days and again I apologise. It is all pure frustration and anger at myself for getting us into a mess again. You have never once done or said anything to desevere the behaviour and comments you have had to deal with. Again I say that never once did I lie about loving you. Even though my erractic behaviour suggests different I still love you from your hair to your feet even though you never let me touch them!! As I said I have now told certain members of my family about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. As I'm sure you realise they are shocked and distraught over the news but I felt I had to tell them as by keeping it to myself is a lie in itself. It is now clear to me the only way I will overcome my problems is to let people around me know the full scale of issues and accept all the help and support they are now offering. I don't know if you have told or want to tell your mam and dad about it but it is ok if you do. It might give them some peace of mind if they realise where some of my behaviour is coming from. If you do tell them can you please ask them not to tell anyone else.

I realise what a fool and idiot I am. I really feel I am a good person inside even if my behaviour suggests otherwise. I absolutely 100% promise you I will not do anything whatsoever to upset you or the girls from now on. You have every reason not to believe or trust me but I believe myself anyway. Now I suppose I wouldn't be myself if I didn't ask this. I want you back. I don't care what it takes. I know I have serious problems to be sorted out once and for all. I am well aware I don't deserve it but I am asking for your support in overcoming my problems and I want you involved from the start. I have an appointment with therapist next Tuesday at 4. You are welcome to sit in if you want but I will fully understand if at this stage you don't want to be involved. I'm very very sorry and will always love you, xxxx and xxxx.

Love Always,

xxxxxxxx


What do ye think of this? I was probably crazy to think its gonna make a difference but its the only way I can try to communicate at the moment. Its gonna be a long road ahead! But **** it. Lets go beat this.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> Thank you all so much for your comments and support. I spoken again to my therapist today and he is more or less advising me the same. He suggests for now that I have to put the issue of getting back with my wife to one side. I now know I need to get better first and foremost for myself and then for my 2 daughters. I honestly believe in my head that I have burned all bridges with my wife but in my heart I still feel that even though she hates me at the moment the love she feels for me will not just die. My therapist believes the best way forward is to get myself better for me and my kids and if anything happens with my wife it will be a bonus. he feels my wife will be grieving as if this was a death in the family. I have held my hands up and taken responsibility for my action and now realis I have to take the consequences. There is no defence for my behaviour.
> 
> I did send her an email last night trying to tell her how I feel when I get depressed and professing my undying love for her. This is what I sent:
> 
> ...



Remember the old cliche "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was."? Well if half of you posted is truth of what you put your family through you should stop trying so hard to "win" them back. Focus on YOU getting better and let her and the family see the change and let them make the decision to welcome you back.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I agree with Sanity, you are to focused on winning back your family. You should be focused on healing yourself. You don't need to tell your wife that you have changed, when you have made progress she will see it for herself without being told.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I know this is a battle I have to win for myself first and foremost. I suppose I have in my head that things could be a bit better and easier if I had my wife by my side throughout my therapy. To be fair I can't blame her for wanting out. I've done some terrible things to her and my family. 

I spoke to her this morning which is now 2 weeks since our latest break up. She has told me there is never going to be a chance of reconciliation as she wants a better life for herself. I suppose I just really need to accept this and move on with my own life, get better for myself and my kids. 

Tough times but **** happens. I'm now focused on myself and if by any miracle I do get another chance down the road with my wife it will be a bonus.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I'm glad you realized that, for your sake as well as your wife's sake. 

I hope you can build a better life for yourself. Good luck to you.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I just wanted to update this as I feel like sharing my update. I am glad to say after 2 months of intensive therapy I am feeling absolutely great. I have managed to secure a fantastic new job which will help me to provide for my kids. Un fortunately there seems to be no way back with my wife but I can now see a new life for myself and fully accept the marriage is over. Quite frankly I am actually starting to believe a separation is the best thing for both of us. I see my kids every second day and I am getting along with them brilliantly. They love and adore me and I feel the same about them.

Funny thing though since I started to improve and become the person I want to be my wife seems to want to know everything that is going on in my life. I find this weird as she has no interest whatsoever in reconciling and I don't understand why she is so interested. To be honest I made the decision 3 weeks ago to basically cut all contact with my wife. Obviously this is strange as I'm seeing her every 2nd day with the kids but I just go to my former home play and talk with the kids and refuse to talk to my wife unless it's about the kids. 

I just don't see why she should want to know everything about me if she is not interested in reconciliation. Confused about this but don't worry about it too much.

This might sound silly but even only after 10 weeks of my intensive therapy I feel like a new man and feel like I can take on the world. My head is in the best place its ever been and I am looking forward to my fantastic new career.

Thanks for listening and for all ye're previous advice.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*I'm glad everything is going so well for you! Your wife's newfound interest could come from a few places.

Even though she initiated the separation and has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to get back together, her motives may have been that she wasn't happy in the marriage. Her seeing you succeeding so well in your life and feeling better after the breakup may make her a bit jealous. And we all do this........if you're jealous of someone, you tend to ask them a lot of questions and become nosy. It's a masochistic phenomenon of the urge to know about others' happiness dispite our lack there of. She may be curious as to why you are doing so well and so happy since she was the one who wanted to separate and thought she would be the one succeeding and being happier.

She could also be showing he nurturing side. Although she initiated the separation and does not want to get back with you, the two of you still did share a life, experiences, and children together. A bond formed that keeps people attached to each other even after the two partners separate. She may not care FOR you anymore but she still does care ABOUT you. She may feel she is to blame for the separation and since she initiated it, she may want to make sure you are doing well. By asking a lot of questions and gathering information on your status in life (physical, mental, emotional, career, relationship, etc.), it will help her to feel better about her decision. She'll feel like she made the right decision and not a horrible person who has inflicted pain, hurt, and sorrow on another because she has found out that their former partner is doing well with the decision she made. She also may be digging a little more and asking so many questions because anyone can say "I'm fine" when in reality they're hurting. By asking more questions, she's able to really tell if you are doing well or not. She's a person that knows you well and just a simple "I'm doing fine" will not satisfy her. She needs to really know you are doing well. If you're not, she'll be able to tell you're lying to her but if she asks many questions and you have genuine answers for them, she will know you are telling the truth and it will relieve her of stress, concern, worry, and guilt.

Hope this helps and glad to see you are doing well! We therapists (I'm a therapist) love to see living examples of how therapy is effective!!!!!!!  *


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks for the advice Vixen. My own therapist has more or less said the same thing. He advises me that she has her own conflict going on in her own mind. One side of her is telling her how bad a husband I was and look at all the terrible things he did. Opposite to that she sees me improving and am so close and good with the kids that I may be a good person after all. He also says I might not think so but she actuallly does still care some way about me and is fighting back the urge to actually like me. Some days I go up to the house and quite frankly she looks like a broken woman. I have asked her that awful question 'Are you doing ok' and the answer always is I'm just fine. It's clear she's not but at the end of the day and this might sound harsh I can't do anything to help her.

I don't know. I am genuinely in the best place of my life and maybe she had the feeling I wouldn't succeed without her. It will never happen but I honestly feel that we could reconcile things given the chance. That said I have fully accepted the relationship is over and am ready to move on. My attitude is that I honestly still love her and want to be with her but in life you don't always get what you want. In the past I have felt I needed my wife but I don't think this anymore. There is a huge difference between wanting and needing something.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> Foolishly one night while I was completely drunk I came home and put all the gas on in the cooker.


you sat in your car all day but came home completely drunk?....how is that possible?....where were you drinking? and how did you get home?


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

I sat in the car instead of going to work for 3 months as I was severly depressed. The other incident was following a night out on the town.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> I sat in the car instead of going to work for 3 months as I was severly depressed. The other incident was following a night out on the town.


okay i understand now....just wondering how you pass the time all day long in a car?....i know i could never do it....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> This all came to a head 2 yrs ago when I left my job without telling my wife. I spent 3 months lying to my wife telling her i was going to work while in fact I sat in my car with my tortured mind.
> 
> In this time I have left 2 jobs without my wife knowing. I have taken out loans with banks to make it appear I was getting paid. I have produced forged payslips at home and forged a lot of other documents. IObviously she now no longer believes a single thing I say.



I have a question: why did you lie to her about having a job when you didn't? You said she doesn't believe anything you say and it will take a long time to regain her trust if she ever does believe you again. You do that through actions.

If you can't remember putting gas on a cooker at all, you do need to get intense help.

Focus on YOU right now. ACTIONS not words.

Ultimately, it will be up to her to decide whether she wants to be w/ you or not.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If you can't remember putting gas on a cooker at all, you do need to get intense help.


not trying to defend him, but the reason he couldnt remember was because he was intoxicated at the time....

or that is my understanding anyway....


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

The reason I cant remember putting on the gas is because I was heavily drunk. The time I spent in my car was passed by playing out what my father had done to me over and over again. At that time I actually had a job but stopped going. I wasn't lying to her about having a job but lying to the effect that I told her I was going to work.


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## hypatia (May 30, 2011)

Spursmad78 said:


> I just don't see why she should want to know everything about me if she is not interested in reconciliation. Confused about this but don't worry about it too much.


Could it be simply pragmatic? If you are spending more time with the children then maybe she wants to do regular "temperature checks" to be sure you aren't backsliding.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Thats very true. I didn't think of the fact she could be checking me out for the kids sake. Could also be she doesn't believe I' as good as I appear to be now mentally. As i've already said I'm in the best place mentally I have ever been. I'm prepared for life without my wife. I actually have found a place where I love myself and am determined to be the best man and father I can be.

Maybe she is finding this hard to acept because I am doing this for myself and now know I don't need my wife to get the happiness and sucess I feel I deserve and want.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Just a quick update. I'm now back in work and loving it. Getting on great with my mental health and looking forward to the future. Just looking for another bit of advice. Here goes.

Since I went back to work I am still seeing my kids every second day. Every time I go up my wife seems to be in a different mood. Sometimes she appears friendly and talkative and other times she is so angry and I would be afraid to open my mouth. Aswell as this other times she looks like she is gonna burst out crying. 

I approached her last night to see if I could get more time at the weekends with the kids which did not go down to well at all. She basically said it was my own fault that I am only seeing the kids for a limited time and that there was no way she would increase the access as she finds it very difficult seeing me and would prefer not to see me at all.

What the hell is going on with my wife? Sometimes I feel like she wants me and other times I feel like she hates my guts. I may be wrong but I feel like she is playing games with me.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You have a lot of work to do and she is not going to trust you until you show her you are healthy again. She may never trust you again, but you have to go and get healthy for yourself and your kids, no matter what your wife chooses to do.

You have created a lot of chaos in her life. If you love her, maybe you should just leave her alone to get on with her life. If a time comes when you are working and able to be stable for an extended period of time, and can be honest, etc. then you could always try again, but the focus should be on getting healthy. You are also a father and need to set a good example for your kids.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I didn't read your whole thread. How long have you been mentally stable? Are you in ongoing treatment?

Your wife can't deny you access to your kids because she doesn't like seeing you. But she can deny you access if she thinks you are a danger to the kids.

Do you have a custody or visitation agreement in place? If not, get one. But you should be ready to demonstrate how you are able to handle the kids. If there is no formal agreement regarding the kids, that would be a good first step.

Your wife probably doesn't trust you. She may feel like she's already been down this path with you getting treatment and getting a job and then watching it all fall apart again. Maybe she won't trust you until it's been a few years.


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## Spursmad78 (Mar 17, 2011)

Thank you all for your advice. I am seeing the kids every 2nd day for 2-3 hours. You know what, my kids absolutely adore me and i feel the same way about them. Quiet honestly at this stage thats all i am focusing on. I love my wife but in the last month or so she has actually turned into a very bitter person towards me. I don't blame her in the slightest but I feel the best way forward is to legalise the separation and get as much access to my kids as possible. 

I realise I betrayed her and will be forever sorry about this but I'm actually beginning to see life for myself beyond my wife. The most important thing for me now is to be right for myself and be the best father I can for my kids. My wife can vary from a range of emotions during my visits. She can be kind one day and full of conversation and other times she just looks at me with pure hatred. The fact of the matter is if she did not care about me she would not have the anger within her.

This may sound harsh after my past behaviour but that is now her problem to deal with. I will always do my best for her and the kids but i need to look after myself aswell. I am without a doubt in the best mental condition I have ever been in and nobody is going to bring me back down again. Maybe it is not a coincidence that i always seem to get better and have more confidence when I'm separated from my wife.


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