# Not sure now!



## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Hi all,

My fiance and I have been engaged since Aug 2011 after nearly 5yrs together and lots of discussions brought up by me regarding getting engaged. I'm now not so sure I want to get married or maybe I just don't want to marry him. I have doubts every day but I'm so confused as to whether these doubts are because I am scared of marriage or my gut instinct is telling me not to do it! More often than not, I am the one who brings up the topic of the wedding. He is happy to discuss the wedding but only for a short time and then the subject will be changed. 

Do you think I'm having doubts because I'm not sure he actually wants to marry me? I feel like we are not making any progress and feel like I can't be bothered anymore. It's hard work being the only one to push for the future! There shouldn't be any doubts when you're getting married?? I am 33 and he is 39 and neither one of us have been married before.

Thanks


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Who was the one to decide to get engaged. Most likely you.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If he is ambivalent, don't go through with it. Postpone it. Trust me, this will spare you pain

If you are not sure of his commitment, go to pre-marriage counseling. How this is handled tells a lot about how committed he is to you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If a 39 year old man took 5 years to decide to marry, that does raise a red flag regarding his committment to you and the idea of marriage


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks for your responses. 
It's confusing because he is basically an all talk, no action person when it comes to putting our money together, marriage plans or discussing any relationship problems. He is very loving and convincing so of course I believed him. It seems that unless I take action then nothing is done and we don't make any progress. There is only so long one person can do this before losing respect and love for the other person. It also makes me feel unloved and stuck even though I know he loves me. It's almost like our relationship is great, as long as I don't bring up any of my concerns about his inaction in this relationship (he doesn't like fighting). I keep second guessing my feelings because he denies almost everything. It makes me feel as if I'm being selfish and needy. Very confusing!

Anyone else have suggestions?
Thanks!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

it's kinda like, "why buy the cow?"... (Sorry, not meaning you are a cow)
j


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Loveimage said:


> Thanks for your responses.
> It's confusing because he is basically an all talk, no action person when it comes to putting our money together, marriage plans or discussing any relationship problems. He is very loving and convincing so of course I believed him. It seems that unless I take action then nothing is done and we don't make any progress. There is only so long one person can do this before losing respect and love for the other person. It also makes me feel unloved and stuck even though I know he loves me. It's almost like our relationship is great, as long as I don't bring up any of my concerns about his inaction in this relationship (he doesn't like fighting). I keep second guessing my feelings because he denies almost everything. It makes me feel as if I'm being selfish and needy. Very confusing!
> 
> Anyone else have suggestions?
> Thanks!


Speaking from my experience, I married a "all talk no action" man, avoided any confrontation, and was the reassuring type to say "it will all work out in the end". After 20+ years, and I believing it all in faith and love, have discovered, that the talk holds no water, and the "it will all work out to HIS ends". Its about a balance of trust and his confirmation of your trust in him. I became the loving caring supportive doormat. If I had a time machine I would have approached things VASTLY different. I would have insisted on actions to back up words, and make sure that any lifepath decision was truly an "us" process and not getting snowed. 

Like the other posters mentioned, if you pushed for the engagement, I would be concerned about his commitment level. Especially at 39 yrs old. If any man cannot commit to a woman he's lived with for 5 years, then I would say it isn't going to happen.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks for your responses. This is helping me to make a decision by making things clearer. 

Hi Dean - We have always agreed on the type of wedding we want and the things that are important to us on the day but this is only talked about when I bring up the topic. It gets very tiresome feeling like the other is disinterested. I liken it to a friend that continually doesn't reciprocate making plans to catch up. Everybody knows that you normally don't continue a friendship with someone like this because you get the message they don't want to progress with the friendship.

Hi Chelle D - I guess I'm at the point realising his type of communication is here to stay no matter how many times I tell him it upsets me. He does try but it just feels like he says or does things now because he knows he should. It doesn't feel genuine.

Hi RubyRed - Thanks for telling me your story. This helps a lot, as I have been thinking of how it would be in the future. I don't think they mean to treat people like a doormat but it certainly seems like life ends up the way they want it. It's almost like they don't care about the other's needs and you just feel like you're nagging when you have a problem. I guess I don't understand people like this. My Dad is like this and it led to my parent's divorce because he buried his head in the sand when there were problems with my brother. It makes me confused because at the same time he has lots of good qualities and I know noone is perfect. Are you still with your husband?


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

I should add that it was a LDR for the first 2yrs and after this I moved in with him. He didn't propose until nearly 3yrs of living together. I pushed for the engagement (even though he says I didn't and would never be pushed into something like that) but he surprised me by getting the ring himself eventually. Last night we had a heated discussion and he said "well, you went from not caring to a task master". Of course I didn't take the relationship very seriously and think of marriage when it was a LDR. When you are living together I think it's normal to want to know the future of your relationship! I'm a bit worried if I end the relationship that I may miss out of having children due to the time to meet someone else and being 33yrs old. Not that this is my only goal in life. I think it would be nice to have children though.

Thanks again


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Loveimage said:


> Thanks for your responses.
> It's confusing because he is basically an all talk, no action person when it comes to putting our money together, marriage plans or discussing any relationship problems. He is very loving and convincing so of course I believed him. *It seems that unless I take action then nothing is done and we don't make any progress. There is only so long one person can do this before losing respect and love for the other person. It also makes me feel unloved and stuck even though I know he loves me. *It's almost like our relationship is great, as long as I don't bring up any of my concerns about his inaction in this relationship (he doesn't like fighting). I keep second guessing my feelings because he denies almost everything. It makes me feel as if I'm being selfish and needy. Very confusing!
> 
> Anyone else have suggestions?
> Thanks!


This will only get worse after marriage. Do you really want to be questioning whether or not your husband has his heart in the marriage or not? If he really wants you, then he'd be receptive and also initiate love and affection and connection. Otherwise, the message he is sending is, "I am sticking around cuz you're doing all the work and I like being adored. Of course, if you don't drag me kicking and screaming forward, I'll probably wander away toward whatever else captures my interest when you cease to amuse me." I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to show you what that ambivalence looks like to those of us on the outside.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Don't enter the marriage unless you are both 100% sure. If you can't resolve your problems before the big day, it may be better to call it off.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't tell anything about a mans love by how he approaches a wedding. Ever see a man looking at a wedding magazine? It isn't that they don't want to get married its just that the weddding and all the detais are beyond a mans comprehension. The best you can hope for is he doesn't trip going down the aisle or pick out some awful tux. I don't want to say weddings are a girl thing but receptions are more of a guy thing.

At this point he is probably just afraid he's going to screw something up. 

As far as you are concerned everybody has doubts and second thoughts. There are very few decisons in life that are made for a lifetime and thats scary .

On my wedding day I thought I should go to the restroom one more time, not nervous at all. After a bit, I looked down and I was using the sink, not the urinal. Well, maybe I was nervous (incompetent) after all.

When I go to weddings its not the bride that looks like they're being hit by a truck. Men want to be married, they just want to get it over with because its freaking them out.

Good luck,
Chap


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks desert-rose. I think that is very true about dragging a man forward kicking and screaming. It sometimes feels that he is interested in everything but moving this relationship forward. Oh but of course, he continues to say he will change and make future plans! 

Haha chapparal, that's funny. You must have been nervous! I can see your point but it doesn't seem fair that I need to be the one to initiate conversations about this. It's supposed a day for both of us. 

Thanks


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

I'm really getting upset about this now. My head is completely jumbled! It seems I'm doing all of the work emotionally, while he goes about his life as usual. His way of making things better is to be affectionate and make me a nice dessert. We used to joke about his 'peace offering dessert' but now it really hurts that he invalidates my feelings like this. Of course, this leaves problems unresolved and my anger builds up. 

Wedding plans are not spoken about if I don't bring them up and neither is our future. He will go through stages of throwing in little comments about our future but it is always because I have said that it upsets me that he doesn't do this. I have asked him if he still wants to get married or if he thinks I'm the right person for him. He says he wants to and I am. 

We are happy when we don't fight but when I tell him his inactions hurt me, he promises to improve and then isn't consistent with this then of course I get upset and we fight because I feel I can't trust him. I feel so ignored sometimes. It's as if my feelings don't matter. I think he just wants to have a 'fair weather relationship'. How can someone be so stupid and say they don't like fighting but they don't hold up their end of the bargain. Of course I'll get angry!

I am so unhappy because I don't know how to fix our problems and I can't fix them on my own. He makes me feel like the requests I make of him are unreasonable but they are really just the basics of a happy, healthy, connected relationship. Do you think he just wants an easy relationship? Should I just give up and leave?

Thanks again!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

dated my wife 5 yr before getting engagued and then another 3 yrs before getting married.

she planned the wedding. why because it didn't matter to me we could have got married standing in a freaking creak with flip flops on.

didn't mean i didn't want to marry her. It meant the wedding and all th houpla that goes with it wasn't important to me unlsee it went way over budget. its her day and she wanted it her way fine by me.


sometime women are so orginized that they want to know whats around the next corner and men will find out whats there when we get there.


if you don't like this aspect of his personality then you won't be happy being married to him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Chapparal is right on. Men really don't care what color the flowers are, or the type of dress the Bridesmaids wear. You said earlier "We have always agreed on the type of wedding we want and the things that are important to us on the day but this is only talked about when I bring up the topic. It gets very tiresome feeling like the other is disinterested.

"We agreed on what we want and what is important" for a man, that is the end of the story. Agreement means. Done. Over. Completed. Check it off. No need for further discussion. 

He is probably thinking "Didn't we agree on this. Why is she still bringing it up?"

Take a step back. Realize that one spouse will never, ever meet all 100% of the "needs" of the other. That is a fantasy land that does not exist in the real world. A person's character is shown by how they deal with the unmet needs. Can you accept certain behavior and move on or is it a deal breaker? 

Now is the time to make that decision. Postpone the wedding until you can figure it all out. Please do not marry until you are comfortable with it and are at least 95% sure this is what you want. Notice I didn't say 100% sure. Even if it is not admitted there is always going to be a little doubt and a nature fear of what the future may hold.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

I understand your point with wedding planning but I have friends whose husbands were involved in the planning so I guess I see this and think what is wrong with me! Does he not want to marry me. I guess the fact that I had to constantly bring up the topic of engagement also makes me a bit insecure.

I find it hard to describe but it feels like he's not really 'here' or 'present' in the relationship and doesn't care either way what happens or whether we do fun things together or travel. Although he will tell me he does care and we will plan something. Then follows....NOTHING! Couples need to this to maintain a connection. I can't stand people who live day to day so it's probably a deal breaker for me. It just hurts too much living with someone who doesn't put me as part of their priorities.

It's the most frustrating thing when someone denies everything. I just feel like I can't GET to him. Only the other day during an intimate moment I jumped slightly because it hurt a bit and he didn't ask if I was ok. When I told him that wasn't very nice he said "I asked you if you were ok". I couldn't believe he blatantly lied to me a second after it happened and unless I'm deaf he did not ask me anything!! Needless to say, we didn't finish the deed!


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

A 5 year engagement would freak me out, and I'm a guy.
If my fiance was that uneasy, its not reassuring.


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

We've only been engaged since August 2011 and together 5 years.


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## isitforreal (Jan 5, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> This will only get worse after marriage. Do you really want to be questioning whether or not your husband has his heart in the marriage or not? If he really wants you, then he'd be receptive and also initiate love and affection and connection. Otherwise, the message he is sending is, "I am sticking around cuz you're doing all the work and I like being adored. Of course, if you don't drag me kicking and screaming forward, I'll probably wander away toward whatever else captures my interest when you cease to amuse me." I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to show you what that ambivalence looks like to those of us on the outside.


:iagree:

true true true

You are afraid to let go of the IDEA of marriage/husband, etc. Don't be afraid, you are still so young and if you stay in this with this guy it is going to cause you pain later and lost precious years of your young life that you can't get back. You should not feel like you do right now, this is supposed to be the BEST time. It's not going to get better magically after you get married. These are serious warning signs and you know in your heart what you should do. 

What do you think he would do if you said "let's take a break from this engagement thing for a while". If he is the man for you he will beg you to reconsider and profess his love and want confirmation you still love him. If he is NOT the man for you he will act glad that you are going to keep things "status quo". If he chooses the later, get out quick and start living your life! You've given him 5 years, don't let him waste any more of your time!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't find the bit about him not wanting to discuss the wedding much to be an issue. It seems to me that the issue is that he will not discuss relationiship issues at all. I know that a lot of guys hate to talk relationship. But at some point you have to.

You say that he promises to do better after a talk but then back-slides. I can understand this. I doubt he knows exactly what 'doing better' means. You probably don't either. So here's an idea that might help as I think you both need some guidance. Take a look at the two books linked here. You can both read them together.. maybe one of you read a chapter aloud to the other, then you discuss it and do the exercises the books give. The the other one reades the next chapter aloud... and so forth. If he will do this and work on the things in the books then he (and you) can learn a lot about what to do and how to make a marriage work. If he will not put out the effort now.. he's probably not marriage material.

I Promise You, preparing for a marriage that will last a lifetime

Five Steps to Romantic Love


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## Loveimage (Oct 7, 2011)

Thanks isitforreal. I have told him it's not a good idea to get married until we sort these issues out and he always says he wants to work through our issues and marry me. I just think I have gotten to the point where I feel he has emotionally neglected me for so long that I'm not sure I want it to work anymore. When I think deeply, the first thing that comes to mind is "I can't be bothered" and I feel afraid of letting go and feeling hopeful again just to be disappointed when he doesn't initiate conversations about our problems yet again. It's hard to describe but I feel that he isn't always present/involved/contributing to the relationship even though he will say of course he is and loves me!

Thanks elegirl. We will read the links. It feels overwhelming now. I can't think clearly anymore because I just feel there are so many problems we've both let slide over the years.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I say, follow your gut. Listen to that little voice in your head. Ignore your inner voice and you will face a life of heartache.
Best wishes


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