# I'm boring and its costing me my relationship



## Level (May 18, 2014)

Hi, forgive me for giving my family and relationship history as I know some people just want to address the issue at hand, but I think the things I experienced up to this point have made me into the person I am today and it may be the reason why I continue to struggle with this issue. I was technically raised in a family with two parents in the same home, but my father had a very tough work schedule and he was only home on the weekends. My parents didnt have much money, so we didnt do many things as a family besides attend church with the occasional fast food dinner when my mom didnt have time to cook dinner. My marriage is my second relationship as an adult. My ex from my 1st relationship got bored with me also, but she was very harsh when it came to me coming up with ideas and things that we could do. She would always reject my ideas or say that my ideas or suggestions were stupid so I stopped trying. We would always go out to dinner and a movie as that was the only thing I could count on her agreeing to. I understand the issue is me as this same exact thing is starting to happen with my marriage minus the harsh rejection of my ideas and suggestions on her part. We have been married for 5 years. We have a 2 year old who we both love unconditionally. We both work full time jobs, but I have a compressed work schedule. Meaning that I only work 14-15 days each month. I have our little one everyday that I'm off to help cut down on child care cost. Financially we are both able to meet our financial obligations and I am able to save a little bit every month. We both split the house and family expenses. My wife has significantly more credit card debt than me and other financial obligations. My expenses are mainly student loan and vehicle upkeep for both of us. I have the money to do things that interest myself and my wife, but that's not the issue. The issue is I'm not interested in that many things. I like to do 3-4 things every once in a while and thats it. I am open to new ideas and things that my wife suggest, but I have a hard time thinking of things to do as a couple. I enjoy dinner and a movie like most, but I feel like thats so plain and I have used that as a go to whenever my wife and I have some free time. I want to and have always wanted to try white water rafting and skydiving, but my wife is not interested in any way and her concerns are completely valid. I dont want to do those things alone because I want to share new experiences with my wife. This isnt the first time she has expressed a lack of interest in things I would like to try. She has expressed interest in some things that I have suggested in the past, but they have been things that I consider plain (see above). We do things as a couple, dont get me wrong, but she is extremely frustrated with me because I never come up with anything for us to do. I have said "hey lets go to the park and have a picnic" her response "no we both have allergies and the pollen is high, so no." I have suggested going to a cooking class, or other events that are through services like living social and she says we cant do it because of our little one and all of our little ones allergies and its hard to have someone babysit that she trust. I just feel like I get rejected everytime I suggest something and I dont know what to do. I really dont want to lose my wife and my little one be forced to grow up in a single parent home. I dont want my little one to have to go through that. My wife is bored and I suffer from a lack of confidence and experience with relationships. I hope someone out there can give me some insight. I have communicated my issues to my wife, but she sees them as excuses. I'm not sure where I am going wrong. 

P.S. I dont have many friends and would be considered a loner by many standards. I cant really talk to my family or the few close friends that I have because in the past they always take my side when I try to get advice. I need someone to tell me the truth that can look at the situation transparently.
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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

The trend I've seen from both of your relationships is that you're the one suggesting things and having your ideas rejected. However neither woman has offered suggestions after rejecting your ideas.

Your ideas don't sound boring. I mean sky diving, rafting? Those sound exciting!

How about you and your wife sit down together and come up with a list of things that you enjoy doing and compare notes?

It's not fair for your wife to leave all the responsibility to you to come up with things to do. She needs to pull her weight too if she wants to keep your relationship fresh.

Using your child as an excuse to not go experience things is unreasonable. Do you or she have nearby family or friends that could watch him for a few hours while you two have date nights?

Also, could you break up your post into paragraphs? Makes it easier to read.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello Level, 

Seems you repeat your behaviors and expect a different outcome. You'll have to make some changes if you want a different outcome. Do a little reading, you'll get the idea. 

Start here, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Take a look at this too, See if this is familiar? 
No More Mr Nice Guy

BTW, Don't ask her anymore, put something together and tell her what you have planed. Then do it. Stop playing the "I don't know. What do you want to do dance?


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

Thank you for responding to my post and I do apologize for not breaking the post up. I didn't realize it was so much until after I clicked submit lol. 

My wife does suggest things and often times we do those things. I never make her feel bad about her ideas or anything like that, but I think her issue with me is that I don't make any suggestions at all. I have issues with rejection and when I do come up with something I convince myself that she wont want to do it. I have a lot of growing up to do in that regard and need to develop some thicker skin. In the past though with her, I spend a lot of time researching things I may want to do with her before I ask her if she would want to do it. My wife wants to know details. I just cant say "yup we're doing it" and that be the end of it. She always thinks the worse possible thing is going to happen so I have to convince her that its safe and nothing will go wrong. When she says "no" to something I spent so much time researching its so much more than a simple no to me. I feel like I put in all this time to research this thing and she thinks its a bad idea or she's not interested and it makes me feel like a failure when she doesn't want to do it. I'm probably over analyzing, but it just doesn't feel like a simple no to me. 

My wife has family and friends close by that can watch our little one, but she doesn't like imposing on them. I agree to a certain extent because I've watched my siblings take advantage of my mom and I know how she feels when they do it to her. Granted we wouldn't be taking advantage, but I think its more so her that doesn't like asking people for things.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As someone else suggested, make a list with 2 columns.. what you want to do and what your wife wants to do. Then each of you can look over the other's list and make the things that you both would enjoy. Look for overlap.

You need to talk with her about her shooting you down on the things that you suggest. She has to come up with things too.

Most people would not be willing to skydive.

But white water rafting is something that the two of you might be able to compromise on as there are different levels of white water rafting. When our kids were young we did that on the Rio Grande. We booked a day long rafting trip. It was a route that was mild enough to take younger kids on. Maybe your wife would agree with that.

Go to www.meetup.com and see what folks are doing in your area. Here where I live there are a LOT of things to do with meetup groups. See if there is something that you both might enjoy.

The way to not be boring (as you claim to be) is to plan ahead. Get out a calendar, get a list of the things going on in your area and put them on your calendar. Then go to them and have fun.

Do you have family who can help with your child? You two need to get out together, just the two of you, at least 2-4 times a month. 

To keep the passion/connection in a marriage, a couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things you both enjoy. You two have to make time for this.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will help you in talking with her about solving these issues.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think if you want to try sky diving or rafting you ought to go for it. She doesn't have to go, but she will take notice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Level, You're a pleaser. It has all to do with your past. The more you write, the more I see you need to start reading the book I linked for you. Click on the NMMNG link, start it...let us know what you think after a few pages. It can answer a lot of questions and give you a starting point for a better way.


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

Thank you for responding also anchorwatch. I usually say "I don't know what do you want to do" out of frustration with her. Same concept as her saying shes hungry and I make suggestions and she refuses them all and then I get frustrated and say "I don't know what do you want to eat?" Same concept. I will start making the decision and I can take the frustration out of the equation to a certain degree. 

I will look at those links asap. Thank you again. I'm glad I everyone is being so helpful. Gives me hope that I can reference some books and that I'm not the only guy to go through this.
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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Level, You're a pleaser. It has all to do with your past. The more you write, the more I see you need to start reading the book I linked for you. Click on the NMMNG link, start it...let us know what you think after a few pages. It can answer a lot of questions and give you a starting point for a better way.


I'm reading it for the 3rd time right now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

We are responsible for ourselves in life. It's not your job to make her happy, that's her job. It's up to her to make her own choices, not you. 

You, and your family, can benefit from those who have been there and found their way out. You are not alone. No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

Thank you so very much. I am going to read as much as I can tonight and tomorrow and get back to this post. Thank you all again.
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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Level, as far as imposing on her family goes, would it help if you gave her parents money for groceries or gift cards to go out to eat for looking after your child?

That way it might not seem like imposing since they would be getting a small gift from you for looking after him.

With avoiding help from the family, it just seems like your wife is looking for more excuses not to go out with you.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

You keep showing deference to her. You are not subservient. Instead of making all these plans, and then being rejected, make the plans and simply TELL HER that you are going to go do ______ (whitewater rafting, cooking class, etc) on such and such date, and you would love it if she went with you. If she declines, GO ANYWAY, have a great time, and show/tell your experience.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Seems like you want to do things OP, it's your partners that seem boring if anything.

Allergies? So what's next, you will live in a bubble your whole life....there is pollution.....bugs......screw all that BS.

Take the kid and go, leave her behind if she wants to be sheltered.

Matter a fact, I would tell you to schedule even MORE outdoor activities other than picnic. Sports, Hike, Biking.....take it even further, Camping, fishing....go nuts.

Personally, I love nature and it is a VITAL part of our relationship/family. It's also very cheap and most precious gift we have in life (nature).

Do what you please/desire and by NO means you let your significant other slow you down or stop you from doing it!!!!


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## Level (May 18, 2014)

Thank you all for being so supportive and giving me such great advice! I couldve saved my marriage and myself a lot of frustration if I found this site earlier. Live and learn though. 

I have read 1/3 of No More Mr. Nice Guy. I hope I am not messing up by reading straight through and doing The Breaking Free Activities after I finish. I have planned to re-read the book after I finish and I'm sure I will be reading it again from time to time if I "fall off the wagon" so to speak. It's going to be difficult to combat childhood and adult conditioning in such a short period of time, but I wont let that discourage me. 

I have read a few threads on the Man Up and Nice Guy reference also. Man so much information. I'm glad my problems are not unheard of and there appears to be countless marriages and husbands that have been in my exact same situation.
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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Remember, one step at a time. Learning takes practice. 

Good luck


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I have found that when I plan a date night doing what I want to do rather than worrying about what she might want to do we have a lot more fun and excitement than if I milquetoast around about it.

I like cool, hip restaurants. I like to go to a sex-positive boutique and picking something fun out together. I like to go on hikes. I like to do odd random weird things like go on a ghost tour, a tattoo festival, a burlesque show, indie theatre, an observatory, any number of things that I thought she wouldn't like to do.

Guess what? With me, she likes to do those things. If I'm having fun, enjoying myself, and genuinely into whatever we're doing.

And if she wants to do something else she can plan a date night of her own.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Level said:


> P.S. I dont have many friends and would be considered a loner by many standards.


I see this as one of the problems right here. Does your wife have more friends than you? Meeting another couple would probably help you a lot. Often it's much more fun to go out to restaurants and bars with another couple than with just your spouse. Another couple might be able to help with babysitting as well. 

Skydiving and whitewater rafting are ambitious, but maybe a bit of overreach at the moment because they involve high levels of physical skill. Start out with something easier, like camping, for example. 

Speaking of that, here's a list of ideas. I don't know your moral standards, so some are wholesome, some not. My wife and i do all these things occasionally:


Nightclubbing

Strip Clubbing

Bowling

Casino

Bicycling

Jogging

Roller Blading

Shooting Skeet

Shooting targets at an indoor range

Just the first few off the top of my head.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It's a common problem in recent history. Too many men don't understand that they need to lead their families due to being inundated with man hating PC drivel over the course of their lifetimes. You don't have to be a jerk to lead your family. Neither spouse should have to ask permission to pursue their interests as long as they're not damaging to the family or marriage. If you always ask permission and defer to your wife you will never keep her interest. Go out and have some fun without her after you have invited her to go, but at the same time always treat her with respect. The fact that you don't have any friends that take you away from the home for a healthy amount of time is compounding this problem. You need a hobby that forces you to be involved with other men. If your taking your cues from the media or government you are being led down a path of destruction.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

The problem is not about 'manning up' because going out to have a picnic or water raft by yourself is stupid and a waste of money. Rather, the problem is your wife. The passion seems gone and at this point, for her, doing anything with you is boring. And on top of that, she either suffers from anxiety or 'going out for a picnic is in fact boring' to her and she is making excuses to not have to sit on the grass in a park. 

You need to join the gym and make friends so when she veto's your idea, you turn around and so 'ok, f*ck it then, I'm going with so and so to the gym.' This is where you could insert the 'manning up' part.


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