# How do you calm yourself down when you trigger?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

H and I went out for a late breakfast this a.m. and the waitress was a cute asian lady...(H had an EA with an asian lady last year and some of this year)...I could feel my insecurity rising in me wondering what was he thinking? Is he checking her out, etc. etc...

How do you deal with those rising emotions, etc. I didn't say anything at all to him about it..I just tryied to stifle it inside of me.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I'm not subtle at all. I pace. I usually end up in the kitchen. I cook something. I prepare something with my hands. Make myself a cup of coffee. A sandwich I don't eat. _Something_.

By the time I'm finished, I've usually calmed down.

Of course, this doesn't help when I'm in public, so I just walk for inordinate amounts of time when I trigger outside.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you find a way to not trigger when you see someone who resembles the AP, let me be the first to know.

My husband's AP was also Asian and my worst trigger was when I took the train with my husband on a one-day business trip, all for fun, about a month ago.

At the bagel store at the train station there was a woman who not only resembled the AP but also had a couple of bags / purses just like the AP had on the day I confronted her. I was so unnerved with the idea that maybe the AP was getting on the train with us and secretly meeting with my H. I had to stare at her for quite a long time to convince myself it was someone entirely different. I did tell my H.

That's probably the craziest line of thinking I've had with a trigger. Just typing it up makes me feel like an idiot. The brain is an amazing and mysterious thing.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This is what is so crazy about triggers....there could have been a gorgeous blond with her boobs hanging out and it wouldn't have bothered me as much.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What you are undergoing is normal. Your feeling of insecurity arose and arises because of his A.
I am sure he would have figured out that you could notice his "checkings". It is he, who has to earn the trust.
Dont worry about the triggers. They take time to vanish, and the amount of time depends on how your husband earns the trust.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I think triggers lessen in frequency but not necessarily intensity. While a spouse can obviously do a lot to help calm anxiety, in the end PTSD is PTSD. It doesn't work based on logic, unfortunately.

I just don't let triggers frighten me. They are a normal protective reaction that our brain sends us to alert us to danger.

I am also an advocate of "flooding" meaning expose yourself to a trigger if you can as much as possible because eventually your brain gets bored and stops sending alert messages.

We are going on vacation to the same place we always go this year. We are staying at the same small cottage and I'm booking a night at the hotel where I know he had an hour long phone call in the lobby. F the affair partners if they get to take that kind of stuff away from me or anyone else.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I HATE THIS! Now I am sitting here thinking is he thinking about that waitress, is he going to find any excuse to go back to that restaurant, etc. etc. This makes me feel like I am insane!!!


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I am pretty sure I have PTSD. So, I don't trigger. I am just in a constant state of heightened anxiety, regardless of where I am.
I hope to be able to move out of state, soon, to get away from all this mess.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My therapist said we have 3 minutes to calm down from the moment we trigger until that chemical surges through our whole body. 

For me, when I trigger, I breathe deeply and remember the NOW. I focus on what he IS doing, rather on what he did or what he's not doing. I focus on my breathing and I say, This trigger is NOT my reality. It's just a defense mechanism."

I am calm by 3 minutes.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

unfortunately I smoke
which is why I haven't given up yet. If I get a text from him I have to have a cigarette, it's the only thing that calms me

need to get over that pretty quickly, want to be smoke free by the end of the year!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The man my wife had her affair with was a bus driver. For a while, I felt like I had a kick in the stomach every time I saw a bus in his firm's livery. It faded and I no longer have a problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> unfortunately I smoke
> which is why I haven't given up yet. If I get a text from him I have to have a cigarette, it's the only thing that calms me
> 
> need to get over that pretty quickly, want to be smoke free by the end of the year!


Have you tried vaping, Dolly?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

If I knew what it was I'd try it!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> If I knew what it was I'd try it!!!


It's the electronic cigarettes. They give off a vapour, so rather than smoking they call it vaping!

There's a huge range of flavours, tobacco is one, but also chocolate, cherry, etc. 

They are legal to use indoors, too.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You know by experience that these strong emotional feelings pass. Unless of course you are constantly in a heightened state of anxiety which is usually because the thing you fear is within reach of you. Say you’d just been bitten by a dog. Until you are safe and secure from the dog, away from it, you will be in a heightened state of anxiety, literally “living in fear”.


But emotions that are triggered do pass. I found what really worked for me was saying to myself “This too shall pass”. And sure enough it did and as time goes by the strength of the triggered emotions gets less and less.


But there are other things we can do. When you are experiencing your negative emotions they are experienced via your ego. Take your ego out of the equation and the emotions associated with it fade away. You get away from your ego simply by observing yourself as a disconnected, third party person would. All is explained in Anthony de Mello's book Awareness.

These sort of life events can really test us. In my mind it’s far better to benefit from them by learning new life skills and becoming a deeper and broader person.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It's the electronic cigarettes. They give off a vapour, so rather than smoking they call it vaping!
> 
> There's a huge range of flavours, tobacco is one, but also chocolate, cherry, etc.
> 
> They are legal to use indoors, too.


well I might feel a bit like Bet Lynch (you don't know how good it feels not to have to explain that to you ha ha ha) but I might give it a go!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

One of my TAM friends looks a LOT like the OW. Not going to lie, I trigger if I look at her pic sometimes but, she is an awesome person and I am glad she is my cyber friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

At first I try to be quiet, then if I cant push it out I will find a place to be alone for 5 minutes to pull myself together. If Im in public I just shove it down. At home I will try to distract myself first if I cant then I go off to be alone. Ive been pretty good at holding myself together in life so to me its just a matter of painting on the right face til I can push it out of my mind. I would say 1/10 times I actually mention it to him. For example, OW has a really common name, its everywhere so its become a joke about how many times I can count someone saying/having that name in a day.Whatever works right? Like most people on here dont use their actual name but there are like 4 of this particular name on TAM. Its ALMOST funny if it didnt p*ss me off. 

The other thing is when I see people that resemble her. I always look at H to see if he notices. Dont know what I'd do if it were obvious that he did. 

AHHHH. Triggers. Dont ya love 'em? Fortunately, I have far fewer than I did 3 months ago. So I'm hoping in 3 more months to be having even less.:smthumbup:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I find I always think two things that I think he might be thinking..one is that seeing an attractive asian lady makes him think about his EA and/or that he is wondering what being with an asian lady would be like. I guess sometimes my brain goes into overdrive and I assume I know what people are thinking...in reality he probably thought to himself, like any woman he sees that is attractive, she is attractive but then forgot about her after.

I have to give myself some kudos though because at least I stifled it and didn't act out on it. As weird as this sounds at one time I would have gotten sulky and picked a fight with him just to get some of my anger and insecurity out about what I was feeling. I would have never mentioned this woman and asked him did you find her attractive instead, as mentioned, I would have started a fight about something stupid.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> I am pretty sure I have PTSD. So, I don't trigger. I am just in a constant state of heightened anxiety, regardless of where I am.
> I hope to be able to move out of state, soon, to get away from all this mess.


Me too. I hate feeling this way. I don't feel like myself.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), more specifically Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).


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