# My wife doesn't like to talk about issues.... (need advice from the ladies)



## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

Hello ladies

If you read my first post, I'm currently going through therapy as my marriage is having issues (she is not participating at the moment).....and one of the things that will be working on is our communication issues....

My wife basically doesn't talk about issues....she rather keep quite and not say anything, even if we are having BIG issues.

I call the ostrich syndrome... when ever there is a problem, she like to hide her head underground until the storm passes and then acts like everything is OK. 

The problem this brings that we have many unresolved issues (14 years of marriage) and I don't want this in my life anymore....

Sex is another subject, she doesn't like to talk about it.......which I believe in a marriage you should be able to talk to your spouse about what you like, don't like, etc......

So, having vent a little , ladies can you provide some advise?
Thank you!


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

What do you think is causing her to hide from the issues in your marriage rather than face them? Maybe she doesn't feel safe to express her thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she's afraid of the outcome. Or maybe she's insecure due to her past. What do you think it is?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife is the exact same way.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, as well as the accompanying workbook, and tell your wife you and she are going to put one night a week aside and work through the entire thing together. Then DO it.

You have to follow through with something that will make her take notice if you want her behaviour to change. You have to decide what you want to have happen, tell your wife what that is and what you are doing about it, and how much input you want from her, and what will happen if you don't get what you need from her. And then FOLLOW THROUGH. Talk is cheap - you can talk about what you want to have happen till you're blue in the face, but you have GOT to have a consequence lined up that you WILL do if it doesn't happen, or your words mean nothing.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

My husband does that too. Unfortunately, I've come to realize that if anything is ever going to get resolved, it's gonna be me that forces the issue. It's exhausting to have to take all the responsibility, and makes me feel like he's not really dedicated to making things work.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Have you read the Color Code book? Basically it categorizes people into 4 colors or their "primary motivators" and the traits that go along with each one. There is a test at the beginning of the book and then a chapter on each color. 

It is by far the best personality test and explanation I have ever read.

I am guessing your wife is a "white". Their primary motivation is "peace". These people will avoid conflict at all cost. They are the ones that bring a calming affect to a room or a relationship because they are the "peacekeepers". But because of their desire to avoid conflict they are also passive aggressive, avoid issues that need to be resolved and often times says yes to things when they know they are not going to do it.

The book goes on to explain the positive and negative traits associated with each color along with the primary need, or motive" of each one. It is very good and I learned a lot about myself, my H and my kids. It really helped me to understand why each one of my children behave the way they do. By understanding their primary motivations, I have more tolerance for what I used to perceive as irritants.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

What does she do when you talk to her? You DO talk to her, right? Do you think how you talk to her will make her feel no fear or discomfort for talking about anything?

I have to admit that at beginning of my marriage some topic my H would bring up would make me turn bright red for embarassment and discomfort. Because he would address the most intimate thing that I had never share with anyone, not even him before marriage. But after awhile I got use to it and now I am not shy to discuss anything ... well, mostly anything. A few thing still make me turn red but we talk about them anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does she tell you why she is this way? Ask her about it. Ask her what she's afraid will happen.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

My H also doesn't communicate. When I pretty much demand he communicate with me (stop avoiding an issue and actually talk about it), he resorts to strategies that allow him to continue his avoidance in other ways. His strategies include: dismissiveness, defensiveness, manipulation, and aggression. We will be divorced soon.


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## Temp402 (Dec 13, 2013)

I find that I do this in my own marriage. 1# I don't want to bother him with my problems #2 I don't think he cares to hear how I feel 3# I don't like appearing weak 4# I trying to suppress getting angry and being silent is the best way to control that for me

These may or may not be some of the reasons your wife doesn't talk to you about her problems but these are my reasons.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Temp402 said:


> I find that I do this in my own marriage. 1# I don't want to bother him with my problems #2 I don't think he cares to hear how I feel 3# I don't like appearing weak 4# I trying to suppress getting angry and being silent is the best way to control that for me
> 
> These may or may not be some of the reasons your wife doesn't talk to you about her problems but these are my reasons.


^^^^^ These are my reasons as well.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

My wife of 21 years is the same way. She has this protective wall around her and won't let me in. She is unable to allow herself to be vulnerable (something that doesn't help in the bedroom either). Even with her friends, she will not discuss things that are very personal. She once logged into my fb account and unfriended a number of mutual friends because I do post personal things on my fb and she didn't want them to see that. 

It definitely stems from her childhood. She has been through a lot of IC and it has helped her but not in this respect. We went through marriage counseling and without prompting, the counselor observed "the wall" ... saying that her bubbly, happy exterior is at odds with what appears to be going on underneath ... a disconnect.

Sure as heck makes communication a real problem in our marriage. I can discuss our issues until I'm blue in the face but will get nothing from her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My reasons: (1) My husband may ASK a question, but he is already shut off by the time I start speaking; he hears nothing I said. (2) If I DO start to talk, he always interrupts me because he's already thinking about HIS response, which is always right; mine is inconsequential. (3) He never does anything I suggest anyway, so I've quit offering. 

In other words, he may SAY he's interested in me and my thoughts, but 30 years have taught me otherwise.


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