# Wife is depressed/unhappy in marriage how do I make things better?



## just_married (Jul 23, 2012)

Hello,

I've been married for 3 months now. We had a great wedding day & honeymoon and then after we got back she became very withdrawn. A month and 1/2 into my marriage my wife came to me and said she wasn't happy in our marriage and wanted out. I was floored. I knew things were not the happiest after the honeymoon but I figured it was just the normal ebb and flow of our relationship. I asked her what it was that made her come to this decision. She said it was all her and that she had changed and didn't like who she was. She also felt that we were never on the same page. And that our relationships had too many ups and downs (I don't think we fight that frequently, I think the wedding planning brought out our worst but even then we only had a real argument once every 4-6 months that we usually resolved and got over within 24 hours, I did anyway). She also said she wasn't happy for 6 months prior to our wedding and she didn't want to say anything to me or call off the wedding because she didn't want to hurt me or disappoint our guests. But she never communicated any of this with me until now. Then she asked me if she could get a puppy.....

So I did what most guys would do and took all the blame and told her I'd be a better husband, we got a puppy and moved forward. Since the revelation that my marriage is on the rocks I've had a lot of time to reflect on myself, her, and us together. I've made a consistent effort to be better and happier regardless of her mood. I read the Love Languages book in hopes I could communicate my love for her in a way she could understand (which is hard to do when I realize I'm not receiving my love language in return, but I'm sticking with it anyway). I've let all her little annoyances go & don't let them bother me any more.

She tells me I'm doing perfect and she's happy with me now but her mood swings say otherwise. She's been unhappy in her job, unhappy with her parents, she cries for no reason (I'm sure there's a reason but she won't tell me), she has temper tantrums over the smallest things (EXAMPLE: When we found a puppy and scheduled a date to pick him up we ended up having to wait until the following day to get him because the foster owner's car broke down and she had to get it serviced. When I called my wife to tell her about the reschedule she freaked out, screamed at me and started crying saying we're never going to get the dog now and that I'm not doing enough to get him on our scheduled day.) One small thing doesn't go her way or we have a small disagreement and it just gets blown out of proportion. We still have good days but they can go bad in an instant.

I love her to death even when she annoys the heck out of me or acts irrational. She's always kinda been this way and I've delt with it, the difference between then and now is the way I react. I used to not put up with it or call her out on her behavior and she would come to her senses and we'd move on (she communicated to me that it upset her when I used to do that). Now I'm trying to not let it work me up and be understanding/supportive but I feel like I'm feeding into this behavior because it's getting more frequent. I went into this new outlook feeling like I'm going to help a depressed person be happy but sometimes I feel like I'm enabling bratty behavior.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm getting unhappy because she's always unhappy, I'm not perfect and I have plenty of flaws but I'm doing my best. I've come to the conclusion we need to see counseling. But I've never vented to anyone about my marital issues and the internet is as good a place as any to start. Does anyone have any advice for me?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

just_married said:


> Now I'm trying to not let it work me up and be understanding/supportive but I feel like I'm feeding into this behavior because it's getting more frequent. I went into this new outlook feeling like I'm going to help a depressed person be happy but sometimes I feel like I'm enabling bratty behavior.


You are absolutely feeding this bad behavior. You can NOT help a depressed person be happy only they can do that.

I suggest after 3 months if she wants out let her out.


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## just_married (Jul 23, 2012)

Mavash,

I hesitated to respond because it wasn't the answer I wanted. After reflecting I feel you might be right.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, why I didn't see your post before, I don't know. To a certain extent, I do agree with Mavash...you need to stop feeding her behavior. But there is something I was wondering and had to go back and reread a couple times... you said she's unhappy with... well, basically everything in her life, not just you. She has major mood swings, right? Has she gone in for counseling at all? You never mentioned that in the first post. If not, that may help. Also, has she ever been treated for depression in the past, as far as you know? Has she ever, or does she now, take antidepressants? Is she on ANY medication at this time?


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## just_married (Jul 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, why I didn't see your post before, I don't know. To a certain extent, I do agree with Mavash...you need to stop feeding her behavior. But there is something I was wondering and had to go back and reread a couple times... you said she's unhappy with... well, basically everything in her life, not just you. She has major mood swings, right? Has she gone in for counseling at all? You never mentioned that in the first post. If not, that may help. Also, has she ever been treated for depression in the past, as far as you know? Has she ever, or does she now, take antidepressants? Is she on ANY medication at this time?


No she hasn't and isn't. 

That's why I don't want to give up & I secretly hope that I'm the problem there's something I need to be doing differently if it is a depression or some other disorder.

I haven't made an appointment for counseling yet. Every time I'm thinking about it we end up having a great week and I put it aside. I've talked with her about possibly going. I think I just need to do it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The thing is, there is NOTHING you can do if it is depression or some other disorder. I'm dealing with that myself, with my husband. He has been in counseling for 4 years. The thing is, they have yet to really figure it all out. He has been on different meds over the course of these 4 years. Just when we think something is working, his body adjusts to it. Not sure why. The doctors have been surprised at this as well. So far, he is now on something that is now starting to work. He sees his IC once a month. His official diagnoses now are bipolar, anxiety, agoraphobia, AND adult ADD.

I would say that first, she should be seeing a counselor herself to get to the root of her depression. That doesn't mean that MC wouldn't be beneficial, but getting her depression figured out will help a lot. 

When you have brought up the subject with her, what has been her response? If she is open to counseling, make the appointment... or have her do it.


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## just_married (Jul 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> The thing is, there is NOTHING you can do if it is depression or some other disorder. I'm dealing with that myself, with my husband. He has been in counseling for 4 years. The thing is, they have yet to really figure it all out. He has been on different meds over the course of these 4 years. Just when we think something is working, his body adjusts to it. Not sure why. The doctors have been surprised at this as well. So far, he is now on something that is now starting to work. He sees his IC once a month. His official diagnoses now are bipolar, anxiety, agoraphobia, AND adult ADD.
> 
> I would say that first, she should be seeing a counselor herself to get to the root of her depression. That doesn't mean that MC wouldn't be beneficial, but getting her depression figured out will help a lot.
> 
> When you have brought up the subject with her, what has been her response? If she is open to counseling, make the appointment... or have her do it.


I appreciate you sharing your experience even if it is a little discouraging. When I bring up counseling she seems open to it but a little scared too. She would never go on her own, that's why I feel like seeing a MC might be better to dip our toes in the water. I also feel like she thinks I'm most of the problem. Which may be, but I won't know until we go talk to a 3rd party.

The hardest thing is I just don't understand depression or mood disorders. We both have such a great life and I don't understand why she can't see that and why it doesn't make her happy. We both make good money between the two of us, we own a home, we have a cat & a puppy (now). Life is good and we should be happy! But it's never enough for her. Happyness is always around the corner for her. I feel like she just moves from one emotional high to another and she's only satisfied for a little while.

When I remind her how many great things we have she says I just make her feel worse. She says it makes her feel like she's a spoiled brat or ungrateful. She can't feel good until something good happens to her and then it just lasts a little while.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Yea, understanding depression IS hard... pretty near impossible, unless you have gone thru it yourself. I did have a bout with it about 9 years ago. I was on an antidepressant, but never saw a therapist. And, mine wasn't anywhere near as severe as my husband's. So, while I have been there, I still have no idea how it feels for HIM because his is much worse than mine ever was. 

Depression is a tough thing to deal with anyway. Yes, those of us who are not going thru it wonder "why is this not enough?"... Sometimes, my husband DOES feel that way. The thing is, it's not about having the pets, or the awesome spouse who would do anything for her/him/you/me.... it's an internal thing that is hard to explain. When she gets in her depressed moods, don't remind her of the THINGS she has... remind her of the love you have for her. Also the new puppy, the cat. Don't count those as things. Count them as your "kids", so to speak. The "kids" need her... that sort of thing.

Now, has she EVER mentioned being suicidal at ANY point in her depressed state(s)?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JM, welcome to the TAM forum. I agree with the sage advice given you by Mavash and Maricha.


> I need to be doing differently if it is a depression or some other disorder....The hardest thing is I just don't understand depression or mood disorders.


Mood disorders can be caused by a recent brain injury, hormone change, or drug abuse. Yet, because you mention no head injury, pregnancy, or drug abuse, those causes seem highly unlikely. The two most likely causes, then, are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Distinguishing between these two disorders is VERY important because, whereas bipolar usually can be managed quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is extremely difficult to treat. I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers will stay in therapy long enough to make a difference in their behavior.

I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. Significantly, you do speak about your W flipping between loving and devaluing you -- but you mention nothing about seeing manic behavior.

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums.

*A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Such event-triggered temper tantrums and hissy fits seem consistent with the examples you give, e.g., her blowing up over the news about the puppy's unavailability that day.

*A fifth difference* is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of her screaming at you and the other hateful, spiteful behavior.

*A seventh difference* is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description of temper tantrums occurring over very minor issues.

*An eight difference* is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality. You do not mention this occurring.

If it is happening, it likely takes the form of her pushing you away by creating arguments over nothing at all. Moreover, because she would feel engulfed by closeness and intimacy, you should notice her WORST arguments occurring immediately after the very BEST of times, e.g., an intimate evening or great weekend spent together.

*A ninth difference* is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations. This is why you absolutely cannot reason with a BPDer when she feels strongly about some imagined infraction. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings result more in extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings.

*Finally, a tenth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. You don't mention her having trust issues, as would be evident in irrational jealousy or trying to isolate you away from a support network of friends and family. 

Yet, despite these ten clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that these two disorders often occur together. About half of bipolar-I sufferers also have full-blown BPD.


> I haven't made an appointment for counseling yet.... I feel like seeing a MC might be better to dip our toes in the water.


I strongly suggest that you skip MC and avoid dipping your toes. To distinguish between bipolar and BPD traits -- if indeed that is what your W suffers from -- a good clinical psychologist is needed. Moreover, I suggest you see your OWN psych. As I've explained in other threads, therapists usually are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection). Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion regarding the mood disorder traits is to see a psychologist for a visit or two by yourself.


> I used to not put up with it.... Now I'm trying to not let it work me up and be understanding/supportive but I feel like I'm feeding into this behavior because it's getting more frequent.


I agree with Mavash that you are "enabling" her selfish behavior by walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her temper tantrums. Such enabling behavior is harmful to BOTH of you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.


> Does anyone have any advice for me?


I suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment with your own psychologist, you take a look at my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, JM.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

What an eye opener...mine has been depressed since her early teens, has been unhappy since childhood, may never BE truly happy, is untreated, and possibly Borderline(she actually fits Anti-Social Personality Disorder quite well). 

If that's the case, I hope she realizes that it's not just a few therapy sessions that'll help her....

I keep holding on hard, though I've been ready to break for years. Now it's even harder than ever, being separated.


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## wittyusername (Jul 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You are absolutely feeding this bad behavior. You can NOT help a depressed person be happy only they can do that.


Good god I couldn't agree more with this. Depressed people have to want out of their situation. Without that self desire, your efforts are meaningless. Sucks, but it's true.


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## missunderstoodnowmrs (Jul 31, 2012)

wow...i feel like you could be my husband writing this. i've had a really difficult time with some issues/ i am on anti-depressants and i have a hormone disorder that wreaks havoc on my body if I'm not perfect with my pills.

the fact of the matter is that i cry for no reason a lot. my H asks what's wrong and I literally have nothing to say. she probably realizes that she's making things difficult for you and she probably feels even worse because of it. depression is a compounding issue. i get upset over a series of small things when it seems i just cant catch a break. its really tough. for both of you. i know i really havent given any advice, but i constantly am thinking of running away from my house to give my H the life he deserves because i think he is so much better off without me. i feel guilty that he has a "life sentence" with me. is this what you want? is this how she feels?


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