# Any vetrans out there with PTSD?



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I would love to hear from anyone going through divorce if you have experienced this - my husband was a marine from the time he was 18-22 and then began doing contracting through companies like Triple Canopy etc (he is 28 now, his last contract ended at 25). He lived in various places like Brazil, Japan and his primary responsibility while being in places like Iraq was setting up the networks prior to the other men and women's arrival. When he began contracting he was a site supervisor in Iraq - then he came home and we were married two weeks later. He was never in direct combat so he says, but I know right before he came home someone was killed just feet from him via shrapnel. He loved being in the military and has expressed desire to go back. 

He has had an anger problem and never went anywhere without his glock on him - that was the only way I have known him so I thought that was normal. After two years of marriage he told me he was unhappy, wanted a divorce and is "lost." He moved back with his parents wanting to sort his head and I have since moved to Las Vegas for a job opportunity - but we are still married. That being said I am unaware of anything he has done to better his situation (i.e counseling). What can I do here? This is so frustrating for me because I love him, have been forced to let him go, can't help him but he also doesn't seem like he is helping himself.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I can give you a bit of a perspective. I did 12 years in the military and served in in every major deployment of the 90's and early '00s. On leaving I also did some contracting before getting a "normal" job (from which I was recently laid off from...and, as it happens, I am now just about to go off contracting again).

What I am wondering here (given he has expressed a desire to go back) is how much of what he is experiencing is true PTSD....or if, mixed into that, is the fact that he has just been "bored" of working in the "normal" world. Personally, I know I felt that when I got married, and especially when our daughter was born, I was going to sacrifice that other way of life (which I did and do enjoy) for the ideal of a normal stable family. I did this willingly....however, it'd be a lie if I didn't say I have missed it the whole time. Now the stbxw has pulled the plug, combined with the loss of my 9-5 job....I find myself going back to it.

I just wonder if, in his head, he might have felt the same compunction to "settle down" - and it could be this that is making him the way he is. Again, with me, I willingly made that choice - however, now I've a. lost my job and b. stbxw pulled the plug, I'm going back to it (but really - I'm looking forward to it) but I wonder if with him, he's somehow interpreting it as your fault/just even being married/etc that is holding him back from that lifestyle, or something similar.

Of course, he really could have very acute PTSD - but I'd wager, at least from what you've said thus far, there is quite possibly more to it than that. Just my 2c. What has he been doing since his last contract ended?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Too many changes in too short a period of time and being solo as to job adds up. He is doing the right thing going home and recentering with his parents. The type of stressors that people have in those sorts of jobs, where you have to be on alert just from being American and like when you start your vehicle up each and every time, is it going to explode, you can't get any kind of therapy that will help, you have to figure out what you need and then get it. It sounds like he wants to go home and chill out for a long while. It might take a year of no drama and no major decision making and sticking to sort of routines and having normal relationships with his family, before he feels recovered. I remember seeing shell shock when I was a kid, from cousins and uncles who had been in WWII and Korea. Also VietNam vets. But those people had a shared experience. In today's military, people tend to experience their trauma individually, and that's also how they recover from it. Talk therapy is okay but I don't know of any therapists I've personally talked to who have been in any of the situations that they're treating for. And when you go to therapy, you don't see any successes, what you see is a long line at travel pay of some very messed up people, and the same thing in the waiting room. He can stick to therapy and also there are some drugs that people can take for ptsd that are helpful but the way to recover is over time, living in a calm environment that doesn't over-react when you get edgy. Probably his parents are people who are well-grounded and he can trust them and he just wants to kind of get back into how he was before when things were safe and the world kind of made sense. Carrying a glock creates its own stress. It's a reminder that the world is unsafe. It's too bad he doesn't leave it in a gun safe every once in a while and have a different experience of the world. I guess the best you can do is try to have a stable life where you are and keep in touch with him and be supportive and take his word for it that he needs to be home to recover.

I'm living in a small town and I tend to stick to a routine and keep things simple. I walk to a lot of places, take walks with my dog, I do work that isn't stressful that's interesting, I have a number of activities I like to do that aren't too complicated but are fun. I try to avoid toxic stressful environments. I get a lot of uninterrupted sleep. PTSD recovery is something you have to commit to. Even once exposure to some kind of fight or violence can set you back a ways. I'm fairly careful about where I go and who I talk to. Random exposure to different people who don't really have anything to do with your day to day life makes it a lot worse. Calm and predictable and being able to relate to people in a safe environment goes a long way. But honestly, once you understand that life can be vastly different at the drop of a hat, there is never any going back. Recovery is not recovery. It's just a different way of being, where you accept the calm, and you enjoy it, but you never ever count on it again.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am sure it is a mix of things - he went from Iraq to married with me, we owned a business briefly and then he began going to school full time and working full time doing security (basically sitting at a high profile person's hanger doing homework from 10pm-6am). He has commented he feels depressed, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, doesn't know if he wants to go back in, social anxiety, move back home permanently or go into business.

On top of that we got married without much time spent together. When we would fight he would become hostile and condescending - that's how he was raised, they say mean things and talk down to each other (not how I was raised). Our communication began to get better after marital counseling but that's when his mind began to slip into his depression. He feels home is a safe place but I don't find his family particularly supportive. When he told me he wanted a divorce and that there was something wrong with him, I contacted his mother out of concern; she never even called to make sure he was ok. They put down his schooling (he is a straight A student) saying "it doesn't pay the bills." In the reverse, when his parents were having marital problems he was there for them all the time, so much so it was uncomfortable (ex. his adopted father would call him at 2am complaining about his mother, calling her a sl*t and things of that nature). When they needed money he was willing to loan it to them against my wishes - idk their family dynamic compared to mine is on another level. His friends back home barely work, sit around and drink beer all day, not very productive etc. I realize there may be comfort in home, but to me he is so far beyond that place. 

This all came about in Dec of last year, he left for home in mid April (home for him is 5-6 hours on the other side of the state) and I moved to LV 3 weeks ago for a job. For the most part we have NC since I want to discuss "us" and/or him (it's too hard for me to just talk about the weather) and those topics he just gets frustrated since he has no answers for me. He set a deadline of August 31st since that’s when he was planning on deciding which 4 year University he will attend and we would either need to move together or move on. Since I am unaware of anything he has done to help himself, I am wondering what is the point of waiting until August? Part of me feels terrible since maybe I am not being supportive enough and I love him – the other half of me feels deserted since I have to act as married, yet I live as a single person in that I have my own place, am my own emotional support, don’t have him to depend on. I really don’t know what to do. We haven’t talked on the phone in 1-2 months and Friday I texted him saying we should talk soon. He said he loved me and would call me yesterday – he never did. I don’t know what to do anymore.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Emma,

I wish I could offer more words of wisdom/solace... it's a challenging situation. I very much admire you for starting your new job and keeping it together thru such a trying time.

I found this website tonight that offers free counseling:
Free, Confidential Psychological Counseling for Soldiers and Their Families. 501c(3) nonprofit. - The Soldiers Project

Perhaps to share with your spouse whenever you email or talk next? It also said it's for family members of veterans as well.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

SS - idk, you are great. I know we haven't talked that much, but you make my soul not so sad. Thank you.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Emma1981 said:


> I am sure it is a mix of things - he went from Iraq to married with me, we owned a business briefly and then he began going to school full time and working full time doing security (basically sitting at a high profile person's hanger doing homework from 10pm-6am). He has commented he feels depressed, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, doesn't know if he wants to go back in, social anxiety, move back home permanently or go into business.


Makes a lot of sense. FWIW, I think in your particular situation the whole NC bit is probably not going to solve anything. From my perspective, all I can say is having seen a lot of the very untouristy parts of the world and been through a few things....the closest I've personally come to proper PTSD has been over the last 7 months or so - lost my job, mom, and marriage all at once. Just the way I'm wired I guess - working in those environments I've always just viewed as part of the job and able to compartmentalize it...my rock was always my personal and family life. That all blowing up at once for me has thrown me for a loop way and above anything else - as I said earlier, everyone reacts differently to specific things.

Only thing I'd say to you is maybe you can try to take some control of the situation a little. Severe PTSD or combo of things, sometimes a real wakeup call is what is needed. For instance, does he know you are thinking of pulling the plug? I often say I think a lot of these troubled marriage situations could have been avoided by adding "or I will divorce you" at the end of a sentence* before its truly too late*. If you do still truly love him, I think you owe it to both of you to try and break down that "sticky" barrier of talking about things other than the weather - in a way that will really grab his attention. You might feel bad by doing it, but I can guarantee if you just spring a divorce on him it'll be much worse for him. So many of these breakup situations, mine included, truly and utterly go south when its all swept under the rug for one reason or another and the real communication only comes when one party has made a unilateral decision "Its too late".


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well divorce is out there, there is no springing. He has even said it's more important that he figure out his own head, even if it's at the risk of losing me. He knew that was the risk he was taking when he left me back in WA.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

In that case, so long as it was made real clear to him that you really meant it - I think you've got all the bases covered. Best of luck whatever you decide - tough spot for sure. I think Conrad offers some of the best advice on here with his "I'm OK with that/not OK with that" - it really does all come down to that, IMHO. If acting married, even though its estranged is not OK with you - let him know that in no uncertain terms - same for anything else on your plate.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

One thing with being separated and NC is that if someone is aggressive towards another person, that aggressiveness feeds into more of the same, it doesn't make things better by blowing off steam. So if conversations generally end in aggression and frustration it is better in the long run not to have them at all, as that makes things worse, not better.

If August 31 doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. You could always apply for a divorce, and tell him that under the circumstances you prefer being single, but are leaving the door not so much open as just a door that he could knock on again if he wanted to.

Sorry to hear about his family. It doesn't sound as though that's a good environment, but from his point of view it might be stable, and stable might be what he's aiming for. 

If you're between a rock and a hard place and you don't want to be there, you have to choose to do something about it. The framing of this situation, this marriage, seems restrictive. He has effectively removed all of your choices. For me, I don't like having my choices in life removed or controlled by someone else without my permission. It's far too inhumane, and more so in a marriage. I think I would have a lot of anger in that case, but be unable to express it because of the passive nature of the way the restrictions and removal of choices came along. Probably I would step away from the relationship, because of having a spouse make so many choices for me without giving me any options. I would always wonder if this was going to happen again. I would never feel comfortable starting a family with someone who makes choices for a relationship and silences my voice.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well he finally texted last night about getting home a day late (I think he was camping or something), that he would mail the keys today (this was the initial reason why I contacted him) and that he loved me.

Me- "You said you were going to call yesteday. Que pasa?"

Him-"Decided to stay out for another day, and was nowhere near service, sorry. How are you doing?"

Me-"Ok well if you can and want to talk at some point let me know."

Me-"Actually I take that back ... I am requesting we talk. I am disappointed that you said you would call me yesterday, never did, then it seems like you had no plans on calling me today. I don't think I ask much of you and would hope you can meet the few requests I do have. Also, I think you said you would let me know if you leave town and are unavailable. I emailed you last Sunday and never heard back until 5 days later with the keys. I have my own ground rules I would hope you can meet me on. if not, then maybe that's something we need to discuss too."

I never got a response. This is so frustrating to me. I am here waiting dutifully as his wife and I get nothing from him - sometimes "I feel" he is just pushing me so I will make the call and ask for the D.

Was my text out of line?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

How about "I'm not ok with our level of communication"?

Much less dramatic and much more likely to get constructive dialogue going. Your message paints you as the victim and will put him on defense.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Conrad&Janie said:


> How about "I'm not ok with our level of communication"?
> 
> Much less dramatic and much more likely to get constructive dialogue going. Your message paints you as the victim and will put him on defense.


Thank you for the tip and I agree with you - I am just so tired of this. I just feel like if we set ground rules and/or if I do make a small request (like I said, he moved and we have no contact less something important comes up) he should abide by it, and or follow guidelines we set, such as letting each other know if we leave town. I don't want to be a doormat here, but yes I can definitely see how that will mostly likely make him defensive. 

It's to the point where I just want to lay out my needs and if he says "well I can't do that because I am working on me," then if you can't meet my needs in the least, go file and/or I will.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In the end, having a spouse who refused to engage in resolving conflict, is what ended my relationship. There is always going to be some kind of conflict in a relationship, if someone is always passive and taking their ground and some of yours without any discussion, and issues the ultimatum my way or the highway, that's just going to end up with that more active party reaching the point of explosion, or implosion.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I think it's over - I spoke with him on the phone today. He tried to blame shift on me saying he thinks I don't want to be married since I never came to see him across the state, but I stated many times I couldn't bear to start my recovery process over. He kept saying how hard our marriage was on him, and I said I think he would be better off without me. He hung up on me ...

Later I sent an email stating I need a husband or a divorce, I am not relocating to be with him were we to reconcile as my trust is broken (I can't afford to give up my job here, move to a college town with someone I see as unstable) and I would not accept his blame shifting since he was the one who left. He took half the money out of our joint account and said he would respond to my email later. I texted him saying if he knows in his heart he can't meet my needs then let's just get on the phone and handle it. 

I did everything I could - to me he isn't even logical so there is no point in beating a dead horse. I am so tired. In limbo you can't heal, you can't move forward together - and after 7 months I just can't live this way anymore. I wish I was stronger and could keep going because I love him, but I can't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You've already been through the worst. Better days are coming.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Take care of yourself Emma. <3


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I spoke with his mom - she told me that when I moved to Vegas that put the writing on the wall for her, along with the fact I never came to see him. She was unaware her son had told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. 

I don't even care what they think - I know what it was like after hearing what he told me, crying for days at a time. Then having him leave and me having to live around all our stuff. I didn't visit him to protect me - I guess if that doesn't make sense, so be it.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

The writing was on the wall when he left you .. lol. Talk about an enabling mother for his blame shifting.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Emma,

I am reading a book called "Taking Space: How to Use Separation to Explore the Future of Your Relationship". You can find it on Amazon. It basically says a key component of separation is to set the ground rules, i.e. the duration and goals each partner is working on. It's a good book, and I'd recommend it to anyone going thru separation.

Your situation is especially challenging b/c your spouse is non-communicative and has not stated the goals he is working on.


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