# I've never felt so unsupported....



## kclay1021 (Apr 1, 2018)

My husband and I got married in November 2017. We haven't been married long. Since we got married, he got a new job (actually this is his second new job since we got married), we are both in school, I am working full time and running a business from home, and he is working a full time overnights and in school as well. I've always done more of the housework and errands and he's been more the guy to pick up a thing here or there, mow the lawn, fix things around the house. 

In an effort, to grow my business (which I work alone - although we share the profits equally) - and make it more amenable to long term success and less of an inconvenience to our household, we agreed to designate a room in the house for my work. This room would require a new floor, a couple of new walls be installed, a plumber, an electrician, new equipment etc. It is an undertaking to do this project but would lead to long term profits. At the start of the project we discussed what would be necessary, what parts he could help with, and what parts we would need for someone else to take care of. 

He decided he would be able to take care of the floor and the wall. It has been like pulling teeth to get through either of them, he prepped the floors weeks ago, then decided he should do the wall first, then half assed through that project (after weeks of nagging), and has left most things completely undone. He promised to finish the floor Friday. When I got home from school Friday, he was asleep (he works overnights - gets home at 8am and then sleeps most of the day). When I woke him up and asked him to work on it, he said he didn't feel like it. Yesterday he decided, the method he was previously going to use wasn't going to work, left, got paint for the floor, and then came back and said he would work on it today. Today is easter, we have plans with family, I wake him up in the morning so we can work on in before we went to easter, he got mad, I left and went to easter, he texted me 10 minutes after he was supposed to be there and said he wasn't coming and he wasn't feeling good.... needless to say, I will probably end up doing the floor as well.

My main issue is: we are working and going to school the exact same amount (possible I am doing more), I'm bringing in twice the amount of money, he doesn't help with anything around the house, only sleeps when he is home (hes never up doing anything productive and if he doesnt feel like doing something he doesn't.) I've tried to impress upon him how much his support means to me and it doesnt seem to help. Friday, I let him know I wanted to go back to the counselor we saw before we got married and he said "good luck with that." And told me he wasn't going back there. I'm at a complete loss for what to do at this point.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

First, you can't wake a person up to do what you want them to do. I understand how you feel and that he's not getting the job done as he promised, but what you want is not more important than what he wants. Don't wake him for any reason unless he asked you to wake him at a certaintime or if the house is on fire. You don't determine when a person has to wake from their sleep.

Secondly, I hated working the overnight shift even though it was only for a few days. It's unnatural. Many years ago, I noticed the habits of other people who worked overnight shifts, in that their routines are far different from the norm, and they sleep a lot more than the average person who works during normal working hours. For example, a person who works 7-3, 8-4, or 9-5 get off work and do whatever they do until bedtime. But a person who works overnight (and even afternoons) come home and go straight to bed. They then sleep most or all of the day until it's time to go to work again. And they are more tired than the average person. This may not be everyone, but it's most people. Some people make themselves adapt to a schedule that includes hours to be awake. Nevertheless, it is hard as can be and makes life pretty difficult to navigate because they are sleeping during all the waking and business hours of the day.

I'm just saying you need to cut the guy some slack. It's up to him and not you to determine when and if he needs to sleep. I expect he is adjusting to his overnight working schedule as best he can. If you want this to change, maybe help him find a job that works first shift during the regular workings hours as most people and the hours the body is best able to adapt to.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I understand your frustration, but the only person you can control is yourself.

If it were me, I'd focus on what I'm able to do and leave him alone for the time being. He's not a little boy, yet from what you've written, it sounds like you're mothering him - as though you're in charge of his schedule and his time.

You earn twice as much? Use the extra money to build your business and fix the house. If you need chores done, pay someone to do them.

Something has to give. You both sound very busy, and there are only so many hours in a day.

Just as an observation, and I could be completely wrong, you don't sound like you have much respect for him. He might be shutting down in response to your behavior.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I understand your frustration, but the only person you can control is yourself.
> 
> If it were me, I'd focus on what I'm able to do and leave him alone for the time being. He's not a little boy, yet from what you've written, it sounds like you're mothering him - as though you're in charge of his schedule and his time.
> 
> ...


↑ Yes this ↑

And now you want a counselor to tell him to do as you say. I think you need to be more considerate of him. If he were doing other things or leaving to go someplace else, then I could understand your complaint. But he is asleep. I don't know why that doesn't tell you that he needs to be sleeping. People don't sleep unless they need to be asleep for whatever reason they need it. You sound awfully controlling and impatient, so I hope you will be more considerate of him from now on.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Just as an observation, and I could be completely wrong, you don't sound like you have much respect for him. He might be shutting down in response to your behavior.


This x2. 

Also, maybe he actually has no freaking idea how to actually accomplish the tasks he said he would take on for YOUR business. My ex husband said he would tear up the old disgusting linoleum flooring in our kitchen and replace it with those peel and stick tiles. Sounds easy enough. Turns out it wasn’t. Instead of telling me he didn’t have a clue what to do it just got pushed off and pushed off. And I got more and more resentful. He finally took the old floor up, but it was another six months until the new floor went down. Our babies crawled on subfloor that whole time. The only reason the floor got installed was because we were hosting his family for Christmas and I lost my ****. He didn’t know how to do it and he didn’t want to tell me that because I was a big scary bossy girl. I didn’t make twice as much as my ex husband - I made 100% more than him. So he was under pressure to show “his worth” and didn’t have a clue how. 

Do you love this man? If yes, then take a step back and stop the money tallying. Find out how you can help get this job done. Because in your head it maybe mutual income, but in his it may be some stupid endeavor that isn’t worth his time. Talk about it. Not fight - talk.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the above posters are being hard on you.

You and your husband worked through an agreement on which of you would do what to build the room for your business. Your business is the major income provider for you AND your husband. So what he promised to do is important to you both financially.

Your husband should be living up to the promises that he makes. If he cannot do what he promised for some reason, he should behave like an adult and tell you why he cannot do what he promised and his plan for when he will be able to do it.

I get that when people work night hours it's hard on them mentally and physically. He needs to figure out how to deal with it or change jobs. It's not fair to you for him to burden you with most of the housework, earning most of the income and then taking a disrespectful attitude towards you.

I agree that you need to back off. If he wants to be an ass, then that's who he is. If I were you, I would tell him that his disrespect and behavior is unacceptable. And since he will not address in a constructive manner you will hire someone to do the work in the room that he had promised.

If you have joint bank accounts with him, I suggest that you open accounts in your own name and hencefore put all of you income into the account. Do not give him a penny for anything. He has his own income.

If he does not fix his attitude, i doubt that your marriage is going to last much longer.

There are two books that I think would help you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I suggest that read them and do the work that they suggest.

Then sit him down and tell him that you either need him to work on the marriage or it's over. Ask him to read the books with you and do the work together.

How old are you and your husband?


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the above posters are being hard on you.
> 
> You and your husband worked through an agreement on which of you would do what to build the room for your business. Your business is the major income provider for you AND your husband. So what he promised to do is important to you both financially.
> 
> ...


Soooo disagree. I explained what it's like to work overnight shifts and how it affects some people, plus she said he sleeps all the time, so why ignore all that to justify her position as if he can't have one? It isn't up to anyone to think they can determine that a person should or shouldn't be sleeping or when they can and can't. There wasn't anything in her post that indicated he has a bad attitude, so there's no attitude adjustment necessary on his part, but she really needs one. So why call him an ass and make her think she's right about the whole thing as if nothing matters but how she feels about it? I would have cursed her out for waking me whenever she decided I slept enough to make me do what she wanted me to do, which I did before, specifically when I was working overnight shifts and boyfriend at the time told me to "Get up and do something." I sure did, and it only took about 20 second to shut him up and go back to bed. But she didn't say he has done that, so I don't see his bad attitude expressed in her story. No point in making her think she doesn't have to have any consideration for her husband and is right to try to control when he needs to be asleep. Yes he made her a promise but unless he took some kind of sleep aid, he couldn't sleep if he didn't need to. People can't sleep if they don't need it. They play video games or do other things they don't need to be doing, but he's not blowing off time to avoid the work. The guy isn't having an affair, he's not mistreating her, he's not running around town gambling all her (apparently) money away. I really don't understand telling her to threaten him with divorce over some walls and a floor just because he needs to sleep. Working overnight is messing with his brain and his body, and he's not adapting to it very well.

Do I have to be scared of banishment for disagreeing with a mod?


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

StarFires said:


> Soooo disagree. I explained what it's like to work overnight shifts and how it affects some people, plus she said he sleeps all the time, so why ignore all that to justify her position as if he can't have one? It isn't up to anyone to think they can determine that a person should or shouldn't be sleeping or when they can and can't. There wasn't anything in her post that indicated he has a bad attitude, so there's no attitude adjustment necessary on his part, but she really needs one. So why call him an ass and make her think she's right about the whole thing as if nothing matters but how she feels about it? I would have cursed her out for waking me whenever she decided I slept enough to make me do what she wanted me to do, which I did before, specifically when I was working overnight shifts and boyfriend at the time told me to "Get up and do something." I sure did, and it only took about 20 second to shut him up and go back to bed. But she didn't say he has done that, so I don't see his bad attitude expressed in her story. No point in making her think she doesn't have to have any consideration for her husband and is right to try to control when he needs to be asleep. Yes he made her a promise but unless he took some kind of sleep aid, he couldn't sleep if he didn't need to. People can't sleep if they don't need it. They play video games or do other things they don't need to be doing, but he's not blowing off time to avoid the work. The guy isn't having an affair, he's not mistreating her, he's not running around town gambling all her (apparently) money away. I really don't understand telling her to threaten him with divorce over some walls and a floor just because he needs to sleep. Working overnight is messing with his brain and his body, and he's not adapting to it very well.
> 
> Do I have to be scared of banishment for disagreeing with a mod?



I agree with you.

There's is quite a bit of objective research showing the health and societal effects of overnight shift work.
His work hours are taking a toll on his health, and OP does not seem particularly concerned about that.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/288310.php

https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/shift-work-how-to-handle-sleep-life#1


----------



## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I agree with Ele. He’s an adult. If he can’t keep commitments and work the overnight shift, then somethings gotta give, and he’s the one who can make the necessary changes. 

I would say, rather than waking him up, I’d try to help him work through what he’s committing to. So, I’d say something like, “Okay, you’d rather do XYZ tomorrow. That’s fine, but we also have ABC family commitment, so we have to leave by XX:XX. What time will you need to get up to do XYZ and leave by XX:XX?” 

That might help him really see that he can’t keep all the commitments he’s making — or at least then he can plan accordingly and go to bed early, for example, or rearrange his schedule.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you add up school time, work time and chores time, how many hours do you each spend? 

I remember my wife complaing that I wasn't doing enough, but I was a grad student working such long hours and gettign so little sleep that sometimes I would see hallucinations on my drive home.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

uhtred said:


> If you add up school time, work time and chores time, how many hours do you each spend?
> 
> I remember my wife complaing that I wasn't doing enough, but I was a grad student working such long hours and gettign so little sleep that sometimes I would see hallucinations on my drive home.


Imagine approaching a stop sign and thinking your cross traffic is going to stop at YOUR stop sign. I had the stop sign, so I have no idea why I thought he was going to be the one to stop. Thank goodness that was only a fender bender. Isn't it awful how lack of sleep plays tricks on your brain? You're really just running on adrenalin and not really aware of your surroundings or your thoughts. You're not cognizant enough to be able to say "Wait, that doesn't make sense." I think it's worse than drunk driving. Op is talking about her husband sleeping all the time, which also isn't good and is going to take its toll. I just hope it won't be something terrible, poor guy. Poor you too for having such a thoughtless shrew for a wife.

@Wolfman1968, thanks so much for the links.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I agree, fatigued driving is very dangerous. Its possible, especially with younger people (which from my perspective includes grad students) to not recognize that there is a way out of what appears to be an insolvable dilemma. ]







StarFires said:


> Imagine approaching a stop sign and thinking your cross traffic is going to stop at YOUR stop sign. I had the stop sign, so I have no idea why I thought he was going to be the one to stop. Thank goodness that was only a fender bender. Isn't it awful how lack of sleep plays tricks on your brain? You're really just running on adrenalin and not really aware of your surroundings or your thoughts. You're not cognizant enough to be able to say "Wait, that doesn't make sense." I think it's worse than drunk driving. Op is talking about her husband sleeping all the time, which also isn't good and is going to take its toll. I just hope it won't be something terrible, poor guy. Poor you too for having such a thoughtless shrew for a wife.
> 
> @Wolfman1968, thanks so much for the links.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

veganmermaid said:


> I would say, rather than waking him up, I’d try to help him work through what he’s committing to. So, I’d say something like, “Okay, you’d rather do XYZ tomorrow. That’s fine, but we also have ABC family commitment, so we have to leave by XX:XX. What time will you need to get up to do XYZ and leave by XX:XX?”


But unless he's asked for her 'help', it's really not her place. She's not his parent. 

She's free to state what _she's_ going to do if he doesn't fulfill his household obligations. And she's free to state what time _she's_ leaving for a family get together. But dictating terms and telling him what _he's_ going to do will probably end up with him resenting her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I, too, have worked nights and it really can mess with your body clock. My night work was on rare occasions, however, my late father worked days and nights (two weeks on days, two weeks on nights) for many years and you know what? My mother would never have *dreamt* of waking him up to "do" stuff.

Why? She knew he needed his sleep because he was operating machinery at work and needed to be well-rested.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

StarFires said:


> Do I have to be scared of banishment for disagreeing with a mod?


I explained why you got the ban in a PM. You proceeded to try and argue with me. Now you call out the mods. See a pattern here? Two weeks.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

*The only time I ever threatened to leave my wife was when she started to get into a habit of waking me up to "tell me something" about an hour after I'd got to sleep. And I meant it. *


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

kclay1021,

You are both young and on top of that you are newly married. Your husband made some commitments (promises) to himself and to you, and it sounds like he has over committed, yet doesn't know what to do about it.

You listened to his promises and believed him. Understandably, since he is not fulfilling his promises, and you need those promises fulfilled, you are getting upset, thinking he is shirking his responsibilities on purpose.

The same thing has happened in my marriage. Husband promised to do all sorts of things, and then didn't follow through. Some of the reasons are out of his control, the other reason is that when he does have time, his priorities are not doing the things he promised, since they are not "fun" or worse, not his skill set and he is daunted by the task, thus putting it off.

I believe when people get married they are eager to help one another, and sometimes bite off more than they can chew. When things begin to spiral out of control, we fail to see what is actually going on, and we think the other person is purposely letting us down, and we get angry. Rather than getting angry, tell him you really need it done, and ask him to give you a date for when he thinks it will be done.

Sit down and talk about what needs to be done, and find out if he still wants to do it, and have him tell you the date it will be finished. If he is stubborn and proud (like my husband) and refuses to give dates for when it will be done, you will have to tell him when *you* need it done by, and that you will hire it out if it is not done by that date.

Don't use the dates and hiring it out as a threat. You just need it done so you can work efficiently. Had he not offered to do it, (or did you ask him to do it?) you would have had to either do it yourself (if you have the skill set) or you would have hired it out.


----------



## kclay1021 (Apr 1, 2018)

I'm absolutely happy to pay someone to do the work..... as I have done with the plumber and electrician. The fact of the matter is that when we pay others to do the work it affects what we are able to take out of the business (as expenses increase, the profit decreases). My issue is more about what he promises to do versus what the outcome is. Had he told me at the beginning of the project that he didn't want to take on any of the work, then I could have made the arrangements to pay someone to do it. Now, as a result of him not doing the projects, it would set me back weeks. 

I get what you are saying but I guess what I am saying is....if your husband says he's going to do something and doesnt, doesn't that affect how you feel about him and the level of trust?


----------



## kclay1021 (Apr 1, 2018)

I also have less and less respect for him as he makes less effort to help around the house, take care of bills, attend family events, and spend time with me. No one gets a free ride (including myself) he needs to help take care of what you call "chores" or make enough money to help pay someone to take care of them.


----------



## kclay1021 (Apr 1, 2018)

Thank you for this! I get it.... people are being hard on me but some I probably need to hear. It is just hard for me to believe that he needs this amount of sleep and no matter how you cut it, it isn't fair for ANYONE to shoulder this amount of the burden. He acts as if my business is a major inconvenience to our household but the truth is, we truly cannot pay our bills without it.....JUST BILLS - not even considering the fun stuff we like to do. 

I do need to stop nagging. School for him should be another 12 weeks - at that point he should be able to work days again and I feel like at that point we can discuss further what we both want life to look like, if he doesn't want me to run a business here, if he can work days and contribute more to housework etc. For now, it is just extremely frustrating.


----------



## kclay1021 (Apr 1, 2018)

I get what you are saying... and I need some of this but his attitude is bad. When he wakes up he doesn't do the things he has promised and basically says he doesnt feel like it. And when I asked him to talk to me about this stuff and whether we need outside help he said "i'm all set with that" he does have a bad attitude but if the schedule really messes you up the way you say it does, he may have reason to have a bad attitude. But talking to me would probably be a better way of addressing it.


----------



## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

minimalME said:


> But unless he's asked for her 'help', it's really not her place. She's not his parent.
> 
> 
> 
> She's free to state what _she's_ going to do if he doesn't fulfill his household obligations. And she's free to state what time _she's_ leaving for a family get together. But dictating terms and telling him what _he's_ going to do will probably end up with him resenting her.




And that’s exactly what I’m recommending f she do: acknowledge his plan/intention, then state their shared commitments and what time they’ll need to leave to accommodate those, and then ask what time he’ll need to get up or how much time he’ll need to make all those things happen. Then, it’s on him to ask for help, or rearrange commitments, or acknowledge that he can’t meet all the commitments he’s making.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kclay1021 said:


> My husband and I got married in November 2017. We haven't been married long. Since we got married, he got a new job (actually this is his second new job since we got married), we are both in school, I am working full time and running a business from home, and he is working a full time overnights and in school as well. I've always done more of the housework and errands and he's been more the guy to pick up a thing here or there, mow the lawn, fix things around the house.
> 
> In an effort, to grow my business (which I work alone - although we share the profits equally) - and make it more amenable to long term success and less of an inconvenience to our household, we agreed to designate a room in the house for my work. This room would require a new floor, a couple of new walls be installed, a plumber, an electrician, new equipment etc. It is an undertaking to do this project but would lead to long term profits. At the start of the project we discussed what would be necessary, what parts he could help with, and what parts we would need for someone else to take care of.
> 
> ...


Sooo....you're bringing in TWICE the money and still doing all the work at home? Yet another one who thinks his gender precludes him from lifting a finger at home. Big surprise there.

We get the usual fools here who always cry that marriage is a trap for *men* and I laugh every time I read that stupidity. I think it's a trap for most women and you're a prime example of that.

I'd trade him in for a Chihuahua. He's pretty worthless.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Wow, just wow...*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sooo....you're bringing in TWICE the money and still doing all the work at home? Yet another one who thinks his gender precludes him from lifting a finger at home. Big surprise there.
> 
> We get the usual fools here who always cry that marriage is a trap for *men* and I laugh every time I read that stupidity. I think it's a trap for most women and you're a prime example of that.
> 
> I'd trade him in for a Chihuahua. He's pretty worthless.


Wow, just wow... I guess you have never been on the other end or know couples where the FEMALE is a lazy POS and he puts up with it. 

This goes on ON both sides of the street. It is not fair when it happens to either partner. There are a lot of men that give and give and give until they cannot do it any more, just like woman. 

I was one, until I had a stroke and woke up, I was the sole bread winner, coached every sports team, raised the 3 kids without much help, got them all into, (but not yet through collage), both of my boys are nationally renowned musicians. 

My wife was a drug addict (Hidden btw, don't ask), and I just thought she was "sick". 
@kclay1021, you guys a TOO BUSY. You are both doing too much. You are both in school. If you guys both have to work so hard to pay your bills, then you have to many bills. You have the rest of your life to set the world on fire. 

And, I am saying this in the nicest way, if you continue to treat your husband like this, your marriage will not last. He is your husband, not your business partner or employee. 

If you don't really care, well OK, keep it up, and he will be gone and you won't have to worry about his help. 

I am not saying that he is doing everything that he should do, no he is not. But you are both asking yourselves to do to much. 

You are going to have to chill out a little...


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he was spending 6 hours a day playing video games and spanking to internet porn, I'd say you have a legitimate greavance.

But his is working, going to school and trying to sleep.

As someone who has also worked fulltime night shifts, people who work normal hours always seem to be resentful of night workers trying to sleep.

If someone was riding your arse to remodel a house at 2am, what would your response be?

Sleep is a physiological need. 

If you need the floor done so bad, hire a flooring contractor.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.....and as an experiment, when you are looking for a contractor to do the work, tell them that your H works night shift and sleeps during the day and ask them if they will do the work between 11pm-7Am and see what kind if response they give you.

If a professional contractor who makes his living doing construction laughs in your face and hangs up the phone on you, then you may realize what you are asking your H to do.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

kclay1021 said:


> Thank you for this! I get it.... people are being hard on me but some I probably need to hear. *It is just hard for me to believe that he needs this amount of sleep* and no matter how you cut it, it isn't fair for ANYONE to shoulder this amount of the burden. He acts as if my business is a major inconvenience to our household but the truth is, we truly cannot pay our bills without it.....JUST BILLS - not even considering the fun stuff we like to do.


Then, I would submit, you are uninformed about the effects of overnight shifts, variable shifts and sleep disorder. Did you even look at the links I posted?

I strongly suggest that, if you really value your husband and your marriage, that you take the time to research this topic. The effects are well-described in the medical literature. It's not just a matter of adding up to an equivalent number of sleep hours as someone who works normal days. Otherwise, there wouldn't be the increased rate of chronic diseases that were quoted in the links I posted. 

I believe you have resentment toward him stemming from unrealistic expectations of how he should be coping with his overnight work hours. I think you are woefully misinformed about the effects this has on the human body, and how many people cannot handle it well through no fault of their own. 

This is not just a matter of opinion. The effects of altered sleep patterns and overnight shift work is a well-established field of study. I strongly urge you to educate yourself on these effects so that you will gain some empathy for your husband.


----------

