# Am I wrong or right?



## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Today explosion again, rough time, as now nearly a year ago the partner started up affair. So many flashbacks, nightmares, thoughts, etc

In discussion I asked about some details, he does not like it.
During talk we did, I see him thinking, putting himself back in that period to be able to answer my question, and it slips out of his mouth, somethinkg he always denied the last year.
I pick up to it, and he explodes, all anger and then he leaves. 
Same behavior as during the affair when I questioned him with evidence. Same behaviour as during the last months when we talked about it and I showed him this does not make sense, it cannot be.....

Before he left he told me, you can call me when you made up your decisison, you stop with this and we continue our relationship or we stop as I cannot live like this anymore.

I do want to continue with him, but I cannot live with lies.
I have no clue if he lies, I cannot prove this. The only thing I have is that I recognise his behaviour. And that he does always want to talk, about the reason why, how and how he felt then. But whenever it comes to details, he runs.

Help, what if he tells the truth and I am putting all here at risk?


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

WS Classic: "Just get over it"

Unfortunately, it does not work that way. You had the person you trust the most in your life throw your heart on the barbecue and burn it and slash it up. 

Somebody has the link on here to a publication called " You Betrayed your Partner". Your husband should read that to understand what you are going through.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My experience - and that of many others on here - is that if you feel he is lying then he is.

You may be wrong, but in a way it's up to him to calmy and lovingly convince you he is telling the truth.

An aggresive reaction is classic gaslighting/covering up. Do not stand for it. 

I agree the lies hurt as much as the betrayal. They protect the affair and the other party so it is another betrayal, right there in front of you to your face.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He's holding your relationship hostage with your fear of losing the relationship. Unfortunately you can't deal with it without knowing what it is you are dealing with. You need to lay it down.

The thing about hostages is you can only shoot them once. After that they have no barganing power. You should threaten to shoot the hostage if he doesn't talk.


----------



## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Thank you for your replies,

an dindeed my gut feeling tells me he lies, I also know he regrets what happened, and that he has indeed changed. 

my fear does indeed remain, if he lies about what happened, he can do this again. I also however know that since the affair he has not lied to me except about details of the affair. 

I try to keep my self up here with the thought, who as BS can really say they have the truth. And also what would it change? the act has been done, if they met 50 times or 5 times, if they had S** 3 times or 30 times, it does not change what happened.

Just fearfull for that he can not commit it to himself, what are the oughts for happening this again. If he can hide it for himself, what else will he be able to hide. Or has he indeed learned his live lesson that he needed to learn?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you call him back and do what he wants, the lesson will be that he can keep all the secrets he wants and be able to bully you into accepting that fact.

You want the truth so that you can process it and start to heal.

He wants his secrets to avoid something. (shame? Blame? Truth? Or something else).


----------



## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Walkonmars,

I think I already mentioned this in another tread, I think, even guts tell me, that he hides cause he is not able to cope with it himself. 
I think he cannot except that he nearly threw it all away due to his own fears that took over control. That he went so far and so deep into this, upto forcing him self to believe in it. And then now facing the pain he sees within me, the impact of his deeds. The pain that he caused to the ones that he love. Think must be hard to deal with as well .....


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Leuven said:


> Thank you for your replies,
> 
> an dindeed my gut feeling tells me he lies, I also know he regrets what happened, and that he has indeed changed.
> 
> ...


Knowing the truth is absolutely key to everything. Him telling you the truth is a sign of remorse and respect and that he has accepted what he did and the effect on you.

Don't feed his self justification and apparent cowardice by accepting anything less than The Truth.

I agree that if he does not admit what he has done then he cannot understand it. If he does not understand it, he cannot prevent it from happening.

Stick to your guns. Stand up for yourself and stand up for the truth. How can you possibly be wrong to do that?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am going through the same. 

I repeat 2asdf2 'you give him waaaaaay too much credit'.

He cannot open up to you about the lies because he is not remorseful. He cannot open up because he is still the man he was and does not want to change.


----------

