# Unable to Understand



## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

My wife had an internet affair a couple of years ago. It was pretty ugly. I am confident that she has never physically cheated.

Her opinion of me pretty much sucks and I can't understand why.

I'll admit I'm no casanova but I've always provided for my family and am honest and loyal. We've have a really hard time finding child care so we very rarely go out on dates and she blames me. I've tried to explore options and have found a few sitters before but when we went out we just worry about the kids the whole time. I enjoy being with my kids and my wife and if we are going to be worried about them the whole time, it seems futile.

I work almost 50 hours a week. My wife has been a stay at home mom since my son's birth 9 years ago. Don't go down that road. I didn't want her to have to work and that is her reasoning for not going back to work.

Anyway, I have asked her to see if she could find a sitter quite a few times but it always comes back on me.

So she demands that we go to counseling and holds it against me that we haven't gone. Which leads me back to the sitter problem. Additionally I have a strong belief in resolving my own problems.

I've done some things I'm not proud of as a result of this but I don't think I need someone to tell me that I'm messed up according to their ideals. I am proud of who and what I am. I beleive I'm in the right and think counseling may actually make things worse because it would bring the details of her actions to focus. I've had a hard enough time accepting them already.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Something for thought:

There was a show I watched where the person was captured. 
In an effort to break him he was asked "how many lights do you see"?
There were 3 lights, but he was told to say there are only 2
He never broke.

There are many things wrong that people are forced to accept.
I will not bow, I will not break.
This world won't bring me down
when everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
Common theme's, powerful messages
Fight for what is right
There are 3 lights


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

sprman1 said:


> My wife had an internet affair a couple of years ago. It was pretty ugly. I am confident that she has never physically cheated.
> 
> Her opinion of me pretty much sucks and I can't understand why.


It sounds like she has lost respect for you.

Just out of curiosity, does she want to get out and work but you want her home, or does she enjoy the stay at home lifestyle? Past choices aside, what do you think of her stay at home lifestyle now?

I can't understand why you can't get a sitter yourself for one night to see what the counseling is needed for. If she's asking for counseling, make it happen.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

sprman1 said:


> Something for thought:
> 
> There was a show I watched where the person was captured.
> In an effort to break him he was asked "how many lights do you see"?
> ...


Yeah, but she might not see the third light. To her, there may be only 2.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Sometimes she says she wants to but even if I pick up the application and press her she doesn't make the effort.

The problems really began when she starting gaming online.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Additionally I have a strong belief in resolving my own problems.


To quote Dr. Phil, "and how's that working out for ya?". I'm not a Dr. Phil fan, but if things aren't working, it is time to try something else.



> Her opinion of me pretty much sucks and I can't understand why.


This is why you need to go. You need to find out what is at the bottom of your relationship problems. If your wife's opinion of you is so low, you both need to get it out into the open as to WHY so that you can begin to resolve the resentments that have grown between you.

I know it must have been exceedingly difficult to put her affair behind you, but it honestly isn't behind you. Her reasons for it in the first place are still there. They need to be discussed openly and honestly, or it could happen again.

Counseling is also an opportunity for you to raise all of YOUR issues - the childcare questions, how you feel knowing that she has such a low opinion of you, your lingering pain and resentment from her affair, the online gaming. Yeah, you need to talk about ALL of it. 

Good luck to you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

sprman1 said:


> Sometimes she says she wants to but even if I pick up the application and press her she doesn't make the effort.
> 
> The problems really began when she starting gaming online.


Well gaming or whatever, it seems clear she has disengaged from you.

You could re-engage by taking her up on the counseling offer.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> My wife had an internet affair a couple of years ago. It was pretty ugly. I am confident that she has never physically cheated.
> 
> Her opinion of me pretty much sucks and I can't understand why.
> 
> ...



It seems to me there is a problem in your marriage that she wants to address and you don't. This is why you are having problems. You both have different ways of dealing with conflict. I would suggest you go to MC.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

I really worry that MC will make things worse. I believe her "diengagement" from me was a result of outside influence. Going to MC seems counter productive.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you thought that she is still having some kind of affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Yeah, but she might not see the third light. To her, there may be only 2.


There in lies a problem. I don't think pretending there isn't a 3rd light is good or something I can do without greatly impacting my self being.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you thought that she is still having some kind of affair?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, not physical at least. I'm not sure about others influences affecting us.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

I think a relationship is between 2 people. Involving others makes it no longer yours.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

sprman1 said:


> There in lies a problem. I don't think pretending there isn't a 3rd light is good or something I can do without greatly impacting my self being.


Maybe you should go to counseling. Counselors are very good at helping people become aware of things they don't see by themselves.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> So she demands that we go to counseling and holds it against me that we haven't gone. Which leads me back to the sitter problem. Additionally I have a strong belief in resolving my own problems.
> 
> I've done some things I'm not proud of as a result of this but I don't think I need someone to tell me that I'm messed up according to their ideals. I am proud of who and what I am. I beleive I'm in the right and think counseling may actually make things worse because it would bring the details of her actions to focus. I've had a hard enough time accepting them already.


You can only work with the tools that you have. I learned this the hard way. Before my ordeal began with my wife I thought I had a good bead on things. I was wrong. 

Through introspection, self help books, TAM and COUNSELING I have learned that most of what I thought I knew about marriage and women was wrong. Do the counseling.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

How did you address your wife's affair? What actions did you both take to try and repair your marriage?


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> How did you address your wife's affair? What actions did you both take to try and repair your marriage?


To be honest not much. I've not been able to understand the reason to begin with. To her it was a mistake. She was doing it for the fun of it. I don't think she considered what it would do to our relationship. 

An earlier poster asked the reason for her disengaging from me and losing respect. Well that is what happens when you do something that hurts someone you love with out thinking. I feel she thinks of it as a kid in the cookie jar.

It is hard to fix something that shouldn't be broken to begin with.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

sprman1 said:


> We've have a really hard time finding child care so we very rarely go out on dates and she blames me. I've tried to explore options and have found a few sitters before but when we went out we just worry about the kids the whole time
> ... it seems futile.


sprman,

quit making excuses for yourself, find a sitter and go out. If you don't like the conversation, go someplace where you don't have to talk a lot, like a bowling alley or the movies. this is relationship building, it is not futility

if you don't like counseling and I don't blame you a bit for that, look up a marriage education course. sometimes local churches have these and some even provide childcare


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Up to that point I truly beleived we were untouchable. Our love was a rock and we had our shields up and nothing could touch us.

Then by playing around she lowered the shields.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> sprman,
> 
> quit making excuses for yourself, find a sitter and go out. If you don't like the conversation, go someplace where you don't have to talk a lot, like a bowling alley or the movies. this is relationship building, it is not futility
> 
> if you don't like counseling and I don't blame you a bit for that, look up a marriage education course. sometimes local churches have these and some even provide childcare


Thanks, marriage couseling has a bad success rate and I think will make our issues bigger than they really are. 

When it comes to sitters, who can you trust. I've got no family to lean on, not that I can trust some of them. So far my kids haven't been abused. I'd like to keep it that way.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Seriously not asking this to be rude - why did you come here? What are you hoping to hear from other people? 

Do you desire to be married to her or do you think it's time to leave?

It sounds to me like she has made a suggestion about how to work towards rebuilding your relationship - counseling - and you have shot her down without offering any better alternatives. If you aren't willing to compromise, are you just waiting around for her to come to the light?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> To be honest not much. I've not been able to understand the reason to begin with. To her it was a mistake. She was doing it for the fun of it. I don't think she considered what it would do to our relationship.
> 
> An earlier poster asked the reason for her disengaging from me and losing respect. Well that is what happens when you do something that hurts someone you love with out thinking. I feel she thinks of it as a kid in the cookie jar.


Consider the possibility that one reason she does not respect you is that she had an affair and you really did nothing about it. No consequences, no work on her part to get you back, no addressing underlying issues, just a bunch of rug sweeping. 



> It is hard to fix something that shouldn't be broken to begin with.


How so? Whether it should be broken is immaterial. It is broken, and you need to work on fixing it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Suprman1:

By refusing to go to counseling, you are denying your wife and yourself the opportunity 
* to understand the underyling problems in your marriage, 
* to understand the disconnect between your perception of the reality of your marriage and your wife's perception of it,
* to set common goals for a better future.

You have TRIED to figure it out on your own, but it has been to no avail. Your wife had an ugly emotional affair a couple of years ago. Do you know why? Does she know why? You say your wife's opinion of you 'pretty much sucks.' Again, do you know why? Has your wife said why?

"I don't think I need someone to tell me that I'm messed up according to their ideals" I'm unsure whether you're looking for advice/insight here at TAM or just needing a place to vent; either is okay.

You have VERY black/white thinking.

"I beleive I'm in the right" as does your wife, but it isn't making any progress in helping your marriage.

"I think a relationship is between 2 people. Involving others makes it no longer yours." Then why say wedding vows in front of a minister/priest/justice of the peace. You should just say them to each other (non-legally) and be done with it. Others are, by necessity, involved in our relationships...either directly or peripherally. I assume you saw nothing wrong with involving an obstetrician in your children's births. That was someone involved peripherally in you and your wife's sex life; it was necessary to insure the health of your wife and child. A marriage counselor would be there to insure the health of your marital life.

"It is hard to fix something that shouldn't be broken to begin with." Yes, hard to fix cancer in someone who shouldn't be ill; hard to fix a car that shouldn't have been in a wreck. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. Just because something has broken, doesn't mean it shouldn't be fixed. Life ain't fair.

"I don't think pretending there isn't a 3rd light is good or something I can do without greatly impacting my self being." You seem to be under the impression that MC is going to be an exercise in which you are forced to say, "I'm a rat b*stard; everything my wife says/wants is right, everything I say/want is wrong." THAT is not MC. MC is someone showing you that, although you clearly see THREE lights, Mrs. Sprman1 clearly sees only TWO lights. You are not delusional, SHE is not delusional. MC helps you see WHY, when you're looking at the SAME THING, you see it one way and your wife sees it another.

It's like looking at abstract art (which I hate, BTW, but it illustrates the point), people see the same piece of art differently because they have had different life experiences, different sensory experiences, different emotional experiences that come into play. Even though they are both using their eyes and 'seeing' it the same way, they are both 'experiencing' it differently.

...just some things to think about....do with them as you will!


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Thanks for the input. A lot to cover.

I believe what she did wasn't intentional. So the underlying problem is really the internet and being manipulated.

Her perception is that it didn't mean anything. My perception is that it did. She can't seem to put herself in my position.

My problem is that she is treating it like a child who got caught doing something bad and doesn't want to own up to the effects of their actions. Sometimes Sorry isn't enough. This makes me feel like our relationship doesn't mean much to her.

My deal is that if I were her I would be trying to make her feel confident in our relationship by telling her that I believe in us. She is not doing that.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Her mistake created the low opinion of me because of my actions resulting from what she did. The monster she made me. New Song by the way. 

With the way things seem I was the one who did something wrong. She is very unwilling to talk about 

Why am I here. It helps to talk about it and hear other peoples point of view.

As to the question about why get married in a church. That is a key issue between us. I don't see the need because it is between us. But it is required by the government.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Who I am is what I believe. I will not lie to myself or change reality.

Black/White is very clear distiction. If your in the grey then what do you stand for?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Who I am is what I believe. I will not lie to myself or change reality.
> 
> Black/White is very clear distiction. If your in the grey then what do you stand for?


There is nothing wrong in being open to new perspectives, ideas, thoughts, and suggestions. 

Rigid thinking with no consideration of other perspectives is, at best, limited. It does not leave room for understanding. Even if you don't agree with them, you should strive to understand other viewpoints.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Black/White is very clear distiction. If your in the grey then what do you stand for?


My own personal answer to this?

If you are grey, then you stand for reality. God gets to know TheTruth(tm). The rest of us need to interpret multiple viewpoints and try to synthesize something that perhaps vaguely approximates the reality.... if we are diligent and open minded enough to do so. Otherwise, what we get is the black/white fiction.

*edited to add something maybe useful*
Any chance you could get your wife to post a response/rebuttal/commentary/clarification on your post? I'd love to know what she feels about the things you have written. I'm not suggesting your lying. I'm wondering about the other side to the story. Maybe she'd see it as a "step towards MC"?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> Her mistake created the low opinion of me because of my actions resulting from what she did. The monster she made me. New Song by the way.


I see that as a bit of a cop out. She does not make you anything. You need to be the person you want to be.

It looks like a lot of rug sweeping on her affair, you giving into her, and her not respecting you because you did not make a big deal about it. I suggest you go to the Coping With Infidelity section to get some feedback on what you can do to help you and your wife deal with it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jeff/BC said:


> My own personal answer to this?
> 
> If you are grey, then you stand for reality. God gets to know TheTruth(tm). The rest of us need to interpret multiple viewpoints and try to synthesize something that perhaps vaguely approximates the reality.... if we are diligent and open minded enough to do so. Otherwise, what we get is the black/white fiction.


Reminds me of song lyrics (Asking Me Lies" by the Replacements):

In a black and white picture, there is a lot of gray bunk.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"Black/White is very clear distiction. If your in the grey then what do you stand for?"

It is ALL about perspective, and life-experience and emotional experience. Your 'white' may be my 'black' and vice versa. Does that make you 'right' and me 'wrong'? Me 'right and you 'wrong'? No, it means we need to communicate and try to understand each other's perspective.

Example: You, YOUR mother, and YOUR child (3 generations) are boating and there is an accident. You are the only one who knows how to swim and you only have time/energy enough to rescue one of them. Would you rescue your mother or your child?

Most people would say they would rescue their child because the child's life is just starting whereas their mother has lived a long and fruitful life. However, there are cultures where the person would be expected to rescue his mother under the theory that you will only ever have ONE mother, but you may have MORE children in the future.

Is one way right and the other way wrong? No, it depends on your perspective, your experiences, your expectations of how YOU think you should act or how others might expect you to act. 

As norajane said, "open to new ideas, thoughts and suggestions"


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Punishment doesn't always fit the crime.

In our society we put more value on personal property than our emotional well being.

To be in the grey would suggest that if you were going along thru life doing things the best that you can it wouldn't bother you to be hurt by the person you care for the most in world.

Now if you were out at the bar, cheating and treating your spouse like crap then I get it.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Well I've scheduled an appointment for Friday. 

I've asked my wife what we are going to work out and she doesn't really have a plan either. But I agree, I may as well do what I can.

I have a feeling it is going to be hard not to hurt her thru this.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> Thanks for the input. A lot to cover.
> Her mistake created the low opinion of me because of my actions resulting from what she did. The monster she made me. New Song by the way.
> 
> *What! If she didn't have a low opinion of you she would not have strayed to begin with. You are fooling yourself*
> ...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good for you, Suprman1, all you can do is try! Kudos to you for being open-minded.

It's alright not to have a plan. Your counselor will guide you. 

It IS possible that your wife may be hurt by working through your problems. But, YOU have been hurting, too, from the infidelity and you've survived it. She will, too. Hopefully, you will both be stronger, and smarter about yourselves and each other.

I wish you and Mrs. Suprman1 good things in your marriage!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Well I've scheduled an appointment for Friday.
> 
> I've asked my wife what we are going to work out and she doesn't really have a plan either. But I agree, I may as well do what I can.
> 
> I have a feeling it is going to be hard not to hurt her thru this.


I think this is a great step forward. 

Yes, you are likely to hurt each other as you start more openly communicating about everything that has been creating distance and distrust between you. There is probably a lot of stuff that will be voiced that hasn't before and that will be difficult and painful for each of you to hear.

But you have to do it, you have to be honest. It is those painful things that both of you need to hear and work through, or your marriage can't be the kind you want it to be. How can you ever have a good relationship if each of you is harboring difficult thoughts and feelings about each other? 

But you can work through those difficult conversations and difficult feelings. And when you do, you'll be a lot stronger together for it. Stick to it even when the going gets rough, and it will. Strive for understanding, rather than who is right or wrong. 

Your wife doesn't have a plan because she doesn't know what to do, either. Like you, she knows you two are in trouble and neither of you have been able to figure out a way through it. Maybe an MC can help you make your plan, together. 

So, good for the two of you for choosing to change the status quo by trying MC.

Good luck to you and your wife.



> My problem is that she is treating it like a child who got caught doing something bad and doesn't want to own up to the effects of their actions. Sometimes Sorry isn't enough. This makes me feel like our relationship doesn't mean much to her.
> 
> My deal is that if I were her I would be trying to make her feel confident in our relationship by telling her that I believe in us. She is not doing that.


She is not doing that because she isn't confident in your relationship right now. I'm sure she's aware that everything about the affair is still between you and all around you, and she doesn't know if you two will ever have repaired your relationship well enough to BE confident in it. She knows your relationship won't survive the way things are between you right now. So she doesn't believe in "us" right now.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> I have a feeling it is going to be hard not to hurt her thru this.


Maybe I can save you some unnecessary angst. My admittedly wild guess is that you two have caused each other a pile of tiny (and probably not-so-tiny) hurts over the years. It sounds like those things haven't been addressed whatever they are. If you're going to go to counselling and have any hope of it improving anything then those wounds are going to need to be uncovered. And yes, it's going to hurt... probably badly... probably both of you. In my opinion, that's a good thing.

~laughs~ The only bad thing about being strong is that you have to be strong.

I think making the appointment was a wise move. By the way, if your counsellor is a trained professional, they are not there to judge you by their standards or anyone else's.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

I'm really hopeful. Someone said "are you waiting for her to see the light?' and yes I was. And life is too short to be unhappy.

We had a really productive converstion last night but she became angry as soon as I brought up the "Why". I've forgiven her for her mistakes but can't put this thing behind me until I can understand why it happened. Whenever the conversation goes somewhere she doesn't like, I'm nagging.

People make mistakes but how could it go as far as it did if she cares about me? We talked about it last night. She really is sincerly remorseful. But just like always when I dig into the why she got mad, yelled, knocked a bowl across the room and stormed out. That killed it.

It is confusing because it seems like I should be the one who really wants to seek counseling. I've taken quite a few courses in psycology and have always felt like I understand relationships. The only problem is people tend to not do what you expect them to. It totally doesn't follow normal patterns. I can't help feeling like a failure for not being able to resolve this.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> I've taken quite a few courses in psycology and have always felt like I understand relationships. The only problem is people tend to not do what you expect them to. It totally doesn't follow normal patterns. I can't help feeling like a failure for not being able to resolve this.


OK, please please take this in the spirit in which it is intended.

I don't think you understand relationships... I don't think ANYONE understands relationships in general. I'm pretty happy if I mostly understand myself. I'm delighted if I have a pretty good grip on my wife. I think it's wonderful if I get my own marriage mostly. Getting "relationships" in general is _delusional_. That, actually, is by far the #1 thing which causes me to "hide" folks on relationship sites. There's no valuable input that can come from delusional people.

I'd also like to point out that my general impression on all of your comments can be summed up as, "I'm right. Everyone else is wrong -- including my wife." Honestly, wouldn't that make YOU mad? I'm going to _guess _that she gets enraged by your "attempts to understand" because you are NOT attempting to understand. You're trying to tell her what happened and you won't listen to her actual explanation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> No, not physical at least. I'm not sure about others influences affecting us.


So you admit she could be in an EA. If so you will not be able to work on your marriage until this is stopped.

There is another person in your marriage in this case.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> Thanks for the input. A lot to cover.
> 
> I believe what she did wasn't intentional. So the underlying problem is really the internet and being manipulated.
> 
> ...


Ummmm. No. The internet is just a tool. She chose to be unfaithful.

You have an unresolved affair. She may want counseling because she needs to tell you more and feels safer if someone is there.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Yeah I will revise that and say pretty good understanding.

I appreciate your feedback and you are right. I am very Black & White when it comes to things. In matters of love especially. There is what there is and excuses. Sentences that start with "yeah, but". I don't gloss over reality. When something is wrong I follow my feelings.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> Punishment doesn't always fit the crime.
> 
> In our society we put more value on personal property than our emotional well being.
> 
> ...


Life exists in the gray areas. To deal with this we define black and white boundaries.

Move past this.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummmm. No. The internet is just a tool. She chose to be unfaithful.
> 
> You have an unresolved affair. She may want counseling because she needs to tell you more and feels safer if someone is there.


Yes the internet is a tool but it is also dangerous. It is pretty easy to go places not intended. I really believe freindly banter turned into something more.

After everything I've read it would be hard to believe there is more. I've gone well beyond my comfort level of being ok with what has happened.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> We had a really productive converstion last night but she became angry as soon as I brought up the "Why". I've forgiven her for her mistakes but can't put this thing behind me until I can understand why it happened. Whenever the conversation goes somewhere she doesn't like, I'm nagging.
> 
> People make mistakes but how could it go as far as it did if she cares about me? We talked about it last night. She really is sincerly remorseful. But just like always when I dig into the why she got mad, yelled, knocked a bowl across the room and stormed out. That killed it.


I think she is frustrated because she has given you as much "why" as she thinks she knows. She didn't intend to have an EA, it went too far because she was having fun online and enjoyed the attention (and probably admiration) and didn't realize it for the EA that is was, and she doesn't see more to the "why" and is frustrated trying to help you understand there wasn't more to it (in her view).

Personally, I think there is more to it - maybe she does not yet realize that the condition of your relationship at the time is what led up to her being vulnerable (or open, if you prefer) to the attentions of another man.

She wouldn't be the first person not to understand what an EA is, and be in disagreement with their spouse that she even had an affair.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

I guess everyone is a little differnt but I try to put myself in others positions. I can understand letting things go too far but while something may be enjoyable I am also aware of the affects my actions will have on my wife and how they can decrease the value of our relationship. I really thought we shared that. 

I believe it is not wise to walk into a room full of traps. I avoid things that will make it hard to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm actuallly starting to relate this message to my children. Life is a fickle thing. Once you do something you can never take it back. And regardless rather anybody knows what you've done, you do.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sprman1 said:


> Yeah I will revise that and say pretty good understanding.
> 
> I appreciate your feedback and you are right. I am very Black & White when it comes to things. In matters of love especially. *There is what there is and excuses.* Sentences that start with "yeah, but". I don't gloss over reality. When something is wrong I follow my feelings.



But how do you really know what is? Your posts come across as if you are end all of what is true. It may not be intentional, but it is there. Not all people are as black and white. Many do things for reasons they don't immediately understand. They may have to dig for the reasons and really evaluate things.

Your wife, I think, has been trying to tell you that, in her own unhealthy way. I suspect your insistance on her telling you the facts is preventing her from getting to them. She perceives you as dismissing her and her feelings. I do think counseling would help, as I suspect there is a big gap in communciation styles that needs to be bridged between you two.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> OK, please please take this in the spirit in which it is intended.
> 
> I don't think you understand relationships... I don't think ANYONE understands relationships in general. I'm pretty happy if I mostly understand myself. I'm delighted if I have a pretty good grip on my wife. I think it's wonderful if I get my own marriage mostly. Getting "relationships" in general is _delusional_. That, actually, is by far the #1 thing which causes me to "hide" folks on relationship sites. There's no valuable input that can come from delusional people.
> 
> Jeff how can you know what you want if you can't understand it? I think people overcomplicate things. We all have emotions to guide us. If you give up things that have meaning for you, eventually their won't be anything meaningful left.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Jeff how can you know what you want if you can't understand it? I think people overcomplicate things. We all have emotions to guide us. If you give up things that have meaning for you, eventually their won't be anything meaningful left.


All of which would be a fascinating theory if real life didn't totally contradict it. Just to recap, I'm the guy in a happy, high-functioning, long-term relationship. You're the one who is "unable to understand".

But look. You, clearly, have made up your mind. You know what is and is not. The only thing I can do at this point is wish you luck -- and I do... sincerely.

~Jeff


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Entropy3000 said:


> Ummmm. No. The internet is just a tool. She chose to be unfaithful.
> 
> You have an unresolved affair. She may want counseling because she needs to tell you more and feels safer if someone is there.


This whole subject really hit home for me as I have dealt with your issue off and on through out my current relationship. As the quote above states, *SHE*chose to be unfaithful. 

Just as the song you quoted "Monster You Made Me" (which I like btw), was responded with "you are in charge of your own actions, how you react, she didn't make you a monster" well I am on your side on this one. It is possible that someone (spouse) can take things too far and you just crack. 

As for her EA, imo, if she is acting angry when you are wanting to know "why", then she feels no remorse and is probably still having some sort of EA online either with the same person or someone new. As for gaming, I didn't see if that was actual games or gambling. Everyone has a vice whether it's playing online or staying on TAM 24/7.

I'm happy for you that you have decided to go to MC and by the time you read this, you will probably already had your first session.
But let's face it, if you are the only one working, and working as many hours as you are, and she's at home, you should have agreed to go to MC but she should have taken it upon herself to find and make the appt. Unless she's disabled, why is getting things done left up to just you? Why can't she find a baby sitter so the two of you can go out? :scratchhead:

She knew very well what was wrong with your relationship when she began her EA. You deserve an explanation because it sounds like you are not totally over it. And for her to blow up because you want to know why? Oh noooooo. That wouldn't sit well with me at all. Remember, it takes TWO to be in a relationship. Meaning whatever reason she had to have an EA, she is partially (relationship wise) responsible for the reason and is 100% responsible for cheating.

I hope you update us on how the MC goes.


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## Human (Apr 25, 2012)

sprman1 said:


> Something for thought:
> 
> There was a show I watched where the person was captured.
> In an effort to break him he was asked "how many lights do you see"?
> ...


This is mrs.sprman1 as I have been refered to in this thread.
Actually dear there are 4 lights!  

Probably the best scene from Star Trek TNG - YouTube

Or you can search for it yourself.

Councling may be a good idea.


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## Happily Ever After (May 1, 2012)

Hi, new here. Hope I'm not butting in. But I know a trick that might help. Try smiling at her every time you see her. Don't complain about anything you don't have to (only if she needs to know so she can fix something). Force a smile if you need to, but try real hard to be genuine. (Think of a good joke or something if that helps.) It's a really simple thing, but I can't tell you how much stress is relieved just by having your spouse smile at you more than scowl at you.


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## Human (Apr 25, 2012)

Possibly, but depending on the situation that could be really creepy too.


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## Human (Apr 25, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> I have to like any post that contains a reference to TNG. It's like a compulsion. Human, are you really Mrs. sprman1?


lol yes I am really his wife. We used to watch TNG a lot together. I thought about just useing Mrs.sprman1 as my name here, but wanted my own. I am thinking about replying more to the questions but I have a lot of little problems with what has been said. If I adress them it might sound like nitpicking.


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## sprman1 (Apr 18, 2012)

I guess it is true that men tend to overlook the details. Ok so there are 4 lights but I'll be damned if I'll say there is 5:slap::slap:

What were we talking about?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

A guy with a sense of humor AND can admit he was wrong!

Way to go, sprman1...


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## Human (Apr 25, 2012)

Suprizeing


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