# Me making more makes Babe really angry :scratchhead:



## briannak (Mar 12, 2009)

My husband has always brought home the bacon. He hated it when i started working but seemed to have adapted to the idea of me working means more money to spend. Either way my pay check was not nearly as big as his. I cant say it didn't bother me, well at least it wouldn't have bothered me if he would stop barging around the house saying "my house my rules" (his paycheck pays the mortgage) or "my electricity my t.v, computer, can opener, refridgerator etc." (pays the water, gas, and electric) and at times, i could see that my excessive usage for some of these things might be a burden on him financially because the only thing I needed to pay for was groceries, leisure activities, and my student loans. Well about a month ago, I got a new job, and I love it here. The work is easy, the people are great, and the pay is exactly what i feel i deserve. I thought it would be great for us, since the reason my husband and I dont have any children is because we couldn't afford it. I'm able to pay all of our monthly bills with one pay check, but instead of being happy for us, my husband is starting fights with me because i work with men, when before i worked a crappy job in a small little office by myself and one other girl. I have to admit, i did give him some his own medicine when my sister came into town. He tried pulling that bull that he pays for the house so he makes the rules. But not anymore, I do. Poor hubby felt defeated. It was a bad choice of words on my part, but after taking that for five years, i felt he could handle my one minute of glory. But as it turns out, my husband wasn't happy about that at all, and refuses to do anything inside the house. He has been sitting outside just watching the weeds grow. I told him i was sorry and i was just kidding, but his eyebrows just fall down ward and he say enjoy _your_ A.C. I didn't mean for it to go this far. And now hes really upset and i dont know what to do.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

This is prime example why I've ALWAYS believed in the philosphy of 100% combined accounts/money.

My wife has worked outside the home for maybe 2 or 3 of our 9 years of marriage. She worked the first 1.5 years until our first son was born and worked 2 years while I was laid off. Other than that she has been a stay at home mom.

I would NEVER say anything about "my money, my house, I pay the bills, etc". We are 100% partners, I go out and make the money she takes care of the stuff around the house. It is 100% "our money". 

Now, my wife is just starting off doing real estate now that our boys are getting into school and while right now its much smaller than my pay, it could easily far surpass mine in the next couple years.

I wouldn't feel any different if she made more money than me, UNLESS she brought it up like you did.

Now, I'm not saying he didn't deserve it for what he did to you over the years, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt either.

You need to talk to him, talk to him about making your finances 100% combined, "ours" instead of "you pay this bill and I'll pay that bill". If the money from both jobs gets deposited in the same bank accounts and you just pay all the bills from said account, then no one will know if he is paying this bill and if you are paying that bill.


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## briannak (Mar 12, 2009)

We do have a bank account together. Its just when we put money in the bank he sees it as his money and not ours, because he puts more into it. When we were dating we kept everything seperate but buying a house kind of forced us to combine our income. Also, he carrys the checkbook in his wallet, basically denying me acess to it. If i need money for any reason, i have to go through him and that kind of bothers me. Im not an excessive spender, unlike him, I clip coupons, use store coupons, and haven't bought anything that was only for me since before we got married, maybe about a year and a half ago. If i tell him i want to go out with girl friends, or i want to cut my hair, he states that those things are not important so he wont fork it over. But he things buying a set of 1200 dollar bag pipes that he never uses is. I've talked to him about his finances before but of course when im the one doing it, its nagging. He believes that he worked hard for his paycheck so he could spend it however he pleases, which in a way i get, but were married now, so my opinion also has to be put in it too, i just can't get him to understand. I'm not a gold digger, believe me, but i feel that our financial issues aren't typical for a married couple.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You might be surprised how many marriages are similar to yours. 

You need to have a conversation/discussion with him about how the finances need to be 50/50 both paying the bills and deciding on how the left over money is used.

Don't "nag" or complain, just sit him down and say that its not right for him to be the only one that gets to decide everything on the finances. You guys are married, it should be 50/50. 

For him to say you can't spend any money on you ever is also wrong.

You guys should setup a "budget" for each month and decide equally how much you guys can have as spending money each. Not money that goes to gas for cars, not money that goes to groceries, money that you can spend on whatever you want, and he can spend on whatever he wants...or save his and buy a $1200 set of bag pipes, whatever.

You need to setup a budget together, setup how much gets paid out in bills, how much you spend each month on groceries, how much on gas for your cars, how much you guys eat out (once most people realize the $$ associated with that a month, they try to cut back), etc and setup a spending amount for both of you (equal amount) and then you will probably STILL have money left over if you budget right.

That money can go to savings, paying off loans/CCs, etc.


Look up the "envelope budget" online, its what we've used for years.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I can tell you what has saved my marriage from financial arguments for over 12 years now. Just after we were married and combined finances we had agreed that we would consult the other on anything costing over $100. Shortly after that, dear Hubby came home with a baseball bat that cost over $100. I don't remember what it cost, but that was beyond stupid to me. We were saving to buy a house. He complained if I had my nails done and then thought that bat would be ok? Needless to say, he almost became very intimate with said baseball device! 

So we sat down and figured out what would work for us. We have one joint checking account in which all money goes. We have a joint savings account and then we each have our own, personal savings accounts. Each payday I have set up that our "allowance" is automatically transferred into our personal savings accounts. And that amount is the same for both of us....no one gets more or less than the other. This is our personal play money....the money we do not have to justify to eachother. If either of us wants something personal, that may be a little costly or extravagant, or just outside the guidelines we have set, then it comes out of our personal savings account money. We may have to wait awhile to save for it, but there are no discussions (or arguments) on anything that we do with our personal money. Hubby thinks me getting my nails done is a luxury....I think him eating out while at work instead of taking a lunch is a luxury....so these became personal money items. When I buy a pair of shoes that is outside the true relm of "needed" (his definition because I 'need' ALL of my shoes!!) it's my money, and his dvd movie habit is his. 

When we made this plan, we sat down and made a budget. All bills and family stuff comes out of joint checking, we each get a set amount every payday, and what is left over goes into joint savings. We aren't so strict that we don't sometimes each get something out of the joint acct, but we know that we are not taking advantage and no one is more entitled than the other.

It may be more difficult for you to figure out because your Husband feels like he is entitled to more, but if you guys can agree on something like this it will really help. I think everyone needs their own money and not feel as though they have to justify. We never fight about finances or how much something cost.


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## RyanT (Jun 24, 2009)

I think the more substantial problem lies not in the structure of your finances, (joint accounts, etc) but rather in your relative attitudes towards money.

To a man, money is a representation of his manliness, strength, what ever you want to call it. A man who makes little money feels like a small and weak man. It's a bit irrational, I confess, but it is still a real fact. It hearkens back to the caveman days, I think, where income (ie sabertooth tiger pelts and such) was directly proportionate to a man's physical stature and rank.

When your husband would rant about "my house, my rules" it was probably his way of dominating you to make himself feel more powerful and in control. 

Now that you earn more money, he likely feels emasculated. His one strength (in his eyes) has now been stripped away and he feels weak and inferior. Your comment to him (justified, though it may have been) likely made him feel completely cowed. It's important for men to feel strong and confident, and likely your husband feels weak and inferior.

These feelings do not justify the way he has treated you in the past. If my father or brothers treated their wives in such a manner in front of me, I would upbraid them severely for their lack of kindness and civility. You husband's insecurities do not justify him belittling you. He needs to talk to someone (you, a counselor, his father perhaps) about why he feels so insecure. 

Revitalizedhusband and MsStacy hit it right on the head as far as the need for equality and a good financial structure in the marriage. However, I personally do not believe that such an arrangement would ever actually happen in your marriage because the issue lies much deeper. It seems as though you CAN'T be 100% equal partners because your husband would not accept such a situation. I think your top priority should be helping him identify why he feels he must earn more, and what emotions drive that, and why he felt he must be domineering in the home. After those issues have been addressed (and he realizes how it hurt you when he behaved in such a manner), then you can implement the tips provided above. 


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How to Make a Relationship Work


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