# My husband is too anxious to move back in



## Lopsideded Love (Jan 18, 2010)

I have been married for a little over four years. We started out as the perfect couple, witty humor, fun loving, enjoyed doing most anything and trying new things. We were a social couple and were always smiling and laughing... enjoying life. Well two years into my marriage I started graduate school and soon after my father passed away. My husband was there for me kind of but not really. I tried to go home each weekend to spend time with my family and would invite him to come along and sometimes he would join me which I appreciated. During that time our house was untidy. I have never been the most tidy of individuals, sometimes my clothes are on the floor, not all over, but out. That has always not been my strength. My husband grew up with a mother who was very far from domesticated. Very unclean house, very cluttered, very dusty, etc. So I think me not being incredibly neat gets to him at times. Instead of helping me he would proceed to kick my things around the room, if the item broke, oh well. He put alot of pressure on me to make more money, even though we made the same salary which created increased pressure for me to do well in graduate school. He worked opposing shifts from me for a while and during that time he abandoned me, going out with friends all hours of the night and not including me in any social activities. One time he left his email up and I checked his account and I saw a half-naked picture of a coworker (unopened) - the girl didn't send it supposedly the guy she was seeing did, he claims that nothing happened between them and that she was dating a friend and that they only sent it to him as part of a bet, but I have difficulty believing this. He has left me many times, starting about 5 months after my father passed. This most recent time has lasted for over 3 months. He keeps making these huge promises to turn things around and really try to become a better husband. He blames his misery on me completely, but has started to say that he has come at peace and has forgiven me for my faults (ie. he feels we did not communicate well, but he blames this on me, my inability to not be 100% tidy, although he feels that this has dramatically improved, he just feels so much anger and anxiety that he makes promises but says there are so many things about me that he has a hard time getting over. I am always the happy one in the bunch, the comforter, the positive person, but this is ripping my heart out. He is now staying at a friend's house, I know who this person is, but have no idea where he lives. His phone is off 98% of the time and I am fortunate if I get a call back or text (he would rather text than talk). I know he always feels anxious and depressed and I feel for him, because you never like someone you love to hurt. He said last week that he would come home this weekend and we would start working on our marriage. He had been talking about it for weeks. He came home, stayed half a day and hasn't come back or returned my calls. I don't feel comfortable talking to friends about this. He sees a counselor weekly, and I see the counselor some (the counselor did not feel I needed to come as frequently) and sometimes we go together. I don't want to give up. I am 30 years old, we have not had sexual intercourse for over a year. My counselor does not feel he is cheating on me, but that his anger, depression, and anxiety is causing him to be a low-functioning human being. I do not want this to be the rest of my life. Can anyone offer insight?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

What a tough situation for you. You obviously love your husband very much and are suffering because of the hurt being dumped on you.

Are you feeling like this is your fault? Is guilt drowning you over this? It seems that he should be shouldering a fair share of the blame for this one, even if he's suffering from depression and anxiety. Continuing to blame you isn't the answer.

Is the counselor taking him through steps to dispelling and dealing with his anger, etc.? Can he go on any meds for the depression?

Take care of yourself in all of this as well. Take time, be with family and good friends. Look for the good things in life outside of your marriage to help you stay strong as you deal with all of this.


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