# 36 years married and my wife's BPD kicked in!



## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

I posted a message months ago about my wife's accusations about me cheating (I didn't) and the resulting distrust, abuse and constant threats ever since.

Background: We are nearing 60. I work 2 jobs, she works. Bills are getting paid, we don't have financial stress and our 2 children are adults living on their own. We have been in our house for almost 28 years.

I am now in living hell. I'm reading the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and its a revelation. Yes I am being manipulated, emotionally drained/abused, threatened, isolated, accused, etc., all the symptoms and signs. We are going to counseling but she frustrates the counselor in that she does not see herself as possibly being mistaken, abusive or having mental/emotional issues. Privately in individual sessions, the counselor mentioned I should prepare for the worse including residential housing (mental health facility) for her. Sadly I have not told my immediate family of these issues or circumstances, but that will have to change if I am going to achieve any sanity. I can't keep protecting her/us at the sake of my health or pride. My father is 82 and she keeps threatening to call him and tell him what a poor husband I am.

Of course I don't want to throw all this away, I've had prostrate cancer (eliminates me from having a sexual affair) and a mild stroke within the last 2 years. I was a drug abuser 30 years ago (clean since) and she was there in my despair and recovery. In a way I feel I owe her so much and don't want to leave her.

I'm posting this because marriage counseling does not work (its been 3 months) things are getting worse. The counselor is even cutting our hour sessions short because of the madness. I remain level throughout but she 'goes off' with delusional statements and accusations.

Example of it getting worse; My wife has moved out of the house and is living with her girlfriend. She feels that the house is unsafe with women coming over for sex and breaking things (leaving a calling card). I recently had had her arrested when she said she would kill me in front of my daughter, and started attacking me, scratching me drawing blood. This partly led to her leaving. She had put her hands around my neck choking me 3 times before that incident. She weighs 115, I'm 240 but I refuse to counter attack and just push her off of me or hold her back, I've never hit her in all these years. She goes around the house, when she does come in looking around in closets, basements, checking doors, etc.. looking for evidence (i.e. woman).

I don't want to complain but I'm looking for solutions, or a discussion group on-line with spouses who are living / have lived with a BPD.

So my next step now is to get individual counseling with someone who is familiar with BPD or similar. This website's links had no counselors listed in Connecticut.

Does anyone know of a good counselor, or ideas on what type of alternative counselor to look for?

I'm desperate.

By the way, because of the book I am now starting to take control of my life and well being, and on the road to self improvement. It ain't easy when the BPD shows up and shows out, but I am now committed not to allow her to take me down, regardless of the final outcome.

Thanks
Kita


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Kitaman698 said:


> I posted a message months ago about my wife's accusations about me cheating (I didn't) and the resulting distrust, abuse and constant threats ever since.
> 
> Background: We are nearing 60. I work 2 jobs, she works. Bills are getting paid, we don't have financial stress and our 2 children are adults living on their own. We have been in our house for almost 28 years.
> 
> ...


What is it exactly that you don't want to throw away? I'm having trouble figuring out what *this* is...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

When was she diagnosed with BPD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kitaman698 said:


> 36 years married and *my wife's BPD kicked in*!


Kita, I join Pidge is asking WHEN your W was diagnosed as having BPD? What is particularly concerning is your statement that her BPD "kicked in." Significantly, a person is said to have full-blown BPD only when her BPD traits have been strong and PERSISTENT over time. 

Hence, if you started seeing strong BPD traits only in the past year or two, it is extremely unlikely a psychologist has diagnosed her has "having BPD." In that case, what is much more likely is that she has experienced a hormone change (e.g., midlife change) that has caused her BPD traits -- which usually are close to a normal level -- to flare up. Such flareups can last several years when the hormone disturbance lasts that long. 

It therefore would be helpful if you tell us if your W was actually diagnosed as "having BPD" by a psychologist -- and when that occurred -- and when you started seeing the symptoms? 



> I'm posting this because marriage counseling does not work (its been 3 months) things are getting worse.


Kita, my experience is that MC is a total waste of time when one spouse has strong BPD traits and has not yet had years of IC. Although MC typically are good at teaching communication skills, the lack of such skills usually is the least of a BPDer's problems. What a BPDer needs to acquire are a number of emotional skills the rest of us learned in early childhood. 

She must learn , e.g., how to control her emotions, how to do self soothing, how to trust, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating strong conflicting feelings, how to stay "mindful" (i.e., present in the room instead of escaping through daydreams into the past and future), and how to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

Until a BPDer acquires these skills, taking her to MC likely will be more damaging than useful, because it will provide her with a stage on which to attack you and abuse you in front of an audience (the MC). Moreover, if she does actually acquire any communication skills, it likely will just make her better at manipulating you. I took my BPDer exW to 3 MCs and 6 psychologists -- in weekly sessions over a 15 year period -- all to no avail. It did not even make a dent in her BPD symptoms.



> I'm looking for solutions, or a discussion group on-line with spouses who are living/have lived with a BPD.


With respect to "looking for solutions," I don't believe you will find any for your untreated W if she is a BPDer who is not committed to getting better. She is the only one who can manage her own issues and, given that she is unwilling to do so and unwilling to work hard in therapy, nobody -- not even a team of psychologists -- can help her unless she badly wants to do it for herself.

As to an online discussion group, this TAM forum has hundreds of members who have lived with BPDers and many of them will step forward to try to answer your questions and to share their experiences. Technovelist and Pidge, for example, both are familiar with BPD traits. Indeed, Pidge is one of our most knowledgeable members -- if not the most knowledgeable member -- on the subject of BPD. 

In addition, I suggest you supplement this forum with the "Staying" and "Leaving" message boards at BPDfamily.com. That forum is targeted -- like the book you read -- to the abused partners and spouses of BPDers.



> So my next step now is to get individual counseling with someone who is familiar with BPD or similar. Does anyone know of a good counselor, or ideas on what type of alternative counselor to look for?


I suggest you seek a recommendation from a psychologist in the psych department of a state university or the psych ward at one of the better hospitals there in Connecticut. If I were you, I wouldn't be shy about calling up a leading hospital and university psych departments and asking whomever answers that they please transfer your call to a psych professor (at a university) or to the head nurse on duty (at the hospital). Then ask who is recommended to speak to among those on staff. Also, you may obtain good information online about which psychologists are well known in your state. Are you seeking IC for yourself or your W or both?


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

Sorry for the lack of clarity. As I mentioned in reading the 'stop walking on eggshells' book and trolling this forum (btw: thanks to all the posters) I saw the BPD symptons described completely. The diagnosis was my own doing, but I am almost certain she has it. All of the questions, traits and descriptions fit her completely. As a result of the court order she is to undergo mental evaluation soon, and I did pass on my findings to the court for documentation.

I don't know how the court order works, meaning if I will know the outcome, and diagnosis.

She started displaying BPD traits in January 2015, but I suspect it was earlier but I couldn't or wouldn't identify it as a disorder (think denial).

I don't want to throw the marriage away because most of my life has been with this woman, and its a huge investment we've made to not try and make it work or find a solution. However I do now recognize that there is a possibility that it might not work.

Her background, she never knew who her father was, she was raised by her grandparents for the first 7 years (her mother was a hell raiser) then moved in with her abusive mother. Her mother married her off at 16, our daughter (my step) was born when she turned 17 (same birthdates). She divoriced a year later and we met in 1978 and have been together ever since. She overcame all of this by getting her masters degree and became successful in spite of her past. She's a high achiever and perfectionist. Her mother died several years ago and she has no siblings and is not too close to any family members. I believe she is envious of me having brothers and sister and 2 parents (now just my father). That I always felt was normal as I would be envious also. We had one more daughter 28 years ago. She controls the first child who is 45, involved in almost every decision minor or major.

Lastly her mother and our oldest daughter was diagnosed bi-polar. So mental health problems are in the family.

As for physiological assistance its for me, dealing with this daily tornado.

I hope this helps clarify my situation.

Thanks all.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

kitaman, I really don't feel qualified to offer any help, but know there are people here who are and can. My h is bi polar but his symptoms skyrocketed after a health event in 2006, and his depression just keeps getting worse. When he is home and normal his like his old self but when he's depressed or manic, yeah, I find myself walking on eggshells. My problem is soon to be largely solved on its own accord because h has filed for divorce and plans to marry his low-rent ho. She'll be his problem now. He has a host of physical health issues and he just keeps getting more and more depressed (he's a Peter Pan and thought he'd be 16 forever, an adolescent whose had a sexual awakening with lots of women for the pickings). He's a nice looking man but not always nice. 

I just wanted to post and throw out some encouragement and say I hope you find the help and support you need, and the solutions you need. You might talk to Honcho who is in a similar situation; I don't think his wife accuses of him of cheating, but there are issues there. 

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Has her primary care doctor ruled out Lewey Body Dementia, Alzhiemers, or a brain tumor?

Frontal Lobe Dementia is very difficult to diagnose in the early stages because short term memory isn't directly affected the way it is with Alzhiemers. Their personality changes. Their executive functioning is affected, it's like they are slowly becoming technologically impaired and unable to organize their day as they once did. Has your wife's emotional lability changed from a normal range to a drastic range? Are her ups really really up and her downs really really down? Does she turn on a dime?

While it's not unheard of to develop BPD later in life, it is exceedingly rare and therefore unlikely in your wife. What's more likely is some form of dementia. I'm so sorry.

Frontotemporal Dementia | Signs, Symptoms, & Diagnosis


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I, too, was going to say that this might very well be dementia. If she were truly BPD, I'm fairly certain you'd have noticed signs of that well before this year. And dementia can definitely cause the immature, child-like, behaviors and emotional reactions one associates with some personality disorders. As a dementia patient's disease progresses, they can become more like a toddler than like an adult - even to the point of hitting, biting, screaming, and tantrums - as their ability to regulate their emotions rapidly declines. Her delusions, paranoia and violence could well be accounted for by dementia or some other brain-function abnormality. It seems somewhat unlikely that she could - or would - have successfully concealed that level of BPD behavior for the first 35 years only to let it all loose at once back in January.


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

The Counselor used the D word - dementia, in our private discussions, essentially preparing me for the worse (institutionalization). My new problem is she wants me to drop the assault charges (she threatened to kill me and did attack me). Her dumb lawyer can't believe I say I don't want a divorce but am not dropping the charges. Her court date is tomorrow.

I called a friend and he suggested I not drop them, as it would send the wrong message. It would also be enabling her behavior. Furthermore the charges will enforce on her psych evaluations. She's trying hard to manipulate me saying she can't understand why I am doing this to her if I'm concerned about saving our marriage (manipulation tactic).

I told her to have the lawyer call me, but I've decided not to drop them and let this run its course. I can not continue to allow the unacceptable to become acceptable. She has stressed out my children and its got to stop.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm concerned that you seem to think a dementia patient CAN learn from having consequences. They cannot. What you hope to gain from having your wife incarcerated is beyond me. Frankly, it's cruel and inhumane to incarcerate a dementia patient because dementia strips away their ability to cope with changes. It won't stop if she has dementia. It will only get worse. However as their brain functioning declines, physical symptoms begin so even if she does threaten, she won't be able to actually do. 

I think you should ask for a continuance tomorrow, put off the court hearing. If your wife's attorney is any good at all he will already be seeking this defense. 

What your wife needs is a complete evaluation for dementia along with an MRI of her brain. If she is showing positive signs of dementia, having assault charges will likely make it more difficult for you to her placement in the correct facility. Most dementia patients go into a locked ward for their own protection.

FYI, the behavior typical for dementia is completely unacceptable. And yet, there isn't a damn thing that can be done to correct it because dementia is progressive and incurable. Don't even have a treatment. So while your wife in on the youngish side, FTD can strike from middle age on up.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Go to court and ask that she be admitted for observation. Explain to the courts your concern about her rather sudden change in personality. My first thought given your ages was also some sort of early onset dementia which can really alter someone's personalty. I've seen it with alzheimer's in my own family as well.

You might not get another chance to forcibly have her committed for observation until/unless she attacks you again and living apart it's not as likely going to happen.

Know that doing this is for HER best interest so please don't feel bad about doing this. If you really care about her you'll want her to get the best care and diagnosis - after all they may be able to help her and regulate some of the things that are going on with her.

It's quite sad - best of luck.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bpdfamily.com

I was a member for several years. i can vouch for it's helpfullness

they specialize in nothing but this.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You need to take your wife to a neurologist and have her get an MRI. She could be developing dementia at an early age or have early onset alzheimer.

If she had BPD, I am sure you would have noticed it years and years ago. 

Please take your wife to the doctor to have her tested instead of treating her like a criminal or crazy. Because they have meds that can help or maybe she can be placed in some sort of eldercare.


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## Kitaman698 (Feb 27, 2015)

I'm sorry to be vague, the court appearance is for an order of protection I have against her. Its a partial whereby she can live at home with me, but can not physically attack me. I used assault to describe the incident and may have been confusing. The institutionalization the counselor was referring to was an eventuality, not incarceration.

The roadmap with the Protection Order compliance is that the court is going to recommend she be psychologically evaluated. She voluntarily had a brain scan when I called her doctor and they said it was normal along with her B levels. So she feels vindicated and confirmed that she is not crazy.

By the way when I called her doctor after a previous violent action she did to me, she recommended that I call the police the next time it happens (which I did). This would help her get the help she needs.

According to my discussions with the Court they will not make this criminal as my wife has no criminal history. They want to make sure she has no mental problems and want to take preventive measures to fix things. 

To summarize she is not facing jail time or a criminal record. What she is facing is mental evaluations, testing and perhaps intervention techniques. 

By the way she almost had a stroke this summer because of all of this. However I am blamed for her now having high blood and her having to take pills. I am being blamed for her mental stress. And now I am the bad man for filing an order of protection, which was warranted (I had blood on my face and she threatened to kill me).

This all began because of an anonymous email (perhaps spam) she received that was about signs that your man my be cheating in January. She thought it was from a friend but the friend denied it. It was probably spoofed. Nonetheless she has nurtured the idea and looking for signs since and found nothing (because there is nothing). She then concluded it was the mistress that sent it. 

The counselor has heard all of this and she I think is getting tired of seeing us. As I said she is cutting our meetings short and seems elated when we have to cancel.

The sad part is that she is upset and livid because she found an ice cream bar in the freezer she didn't recognize over the summer. She can't find lip gloss in her car, now lost. Our fridge was left open a couple of times. She feels I am bringing women in our house and they are these things leaving calling cards. That's just a couple of bizarre examples but she believes women (me cheating) is behind all this. She also claims I have defiled our marriage bed, saying its women on my job (I work alone overnights) and of course threatening to come to my job. She has wrote down license plates of cars stopped near our house, confronted women sitting in cars in or neighbors parking lot. She wants a full security system in the house with cameras everywhere monitoring all doors/entries, and we are empty nesters. I have been called vulgar names, cursed at, and of course physically threatened. She has stressed both our daughters out, giving them blow by blow updates. She has told are good friends and of course her friends. One of our couples friend called me personally to make sure I was alright and asked if she was getting mental treatment (he brought it up). His big question was would I be willing to forgive her if or when this gets fixed. 

Sorry I didn't mean to write all this, its just therapeutic to get it out as I have become isolated/withdrawn protecting her. 

With that said I am having shoulder surgery on Thursday and was all set to have my daughter take me. My wife called saying she will take me and stay at home and nurse me ("its my job"). Remember she temporarily moved out. I have so much anxiety that my recovery will not be peaceful and am actually frightened at the prospect of being around her with all these unresolved issues. 

I am so glad this forum exists and I will look at the recommended sites given in the replies. The book I'm reading is an eye opener as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh now I understand. Thanks for clearing that up. I am so sorry you are facing this but it's not BPD, it's some sort of dementia I would guess. The court action is to compel her to cooperate with appropriate psychiatric testing during which they will evaluate for various dementias. 

The paranoia is hall mark of dementia. She cannot clear their thinking, becomes confused and then invents a perfectly reasonable elaborate story to explain what she thinks happened. It's called confabulation. You'll be accused of much worse before too long so I urge you to put on your flame proof suit and learn to brush away the crumbs or logic she leaves in her wake.

Get your children warned about this potential diagnosis so that they too can get their flame proof suits on. No one is immune from the accusations confabulation wil prompt.

Patience and reminding her that she is safe and you will protect her is the best thing you can do. Don't bother trying to correct her thinking or memory. Go with it, tell her she is safe and then redirect her attention to something else. Play music for her, sing for her, these kinds of activities help them to focus on less scary things and pleasanter things.

There is a forum for FTD patients and family and they were an extraordinary help to me during a very very dark time. I urge you to visit there often.

FTD Support Forum


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Adult onset BPD is not very common but it happens...


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Kitaman698 said:


> Sorry for the lack of clarity. As I mentioned in reading the 'stop walking on eggshells' book and trolling this forum (btw: thanks to all the posters) I saw the BPD symptons described completely. The diagnosis was my own doing, but I am almost certain she has it. All of the questions, traits and descriptions fit her completely. As a result of the court order she is to undergo mental evaluation soon, and I did pass on my findings to the court for documentation.
> 
> I don't know how the court order works, meaning if I will know the outcome, and diagnosis.
> 
> ...


BPD is usually diagnosed in young adulthood and carries on to about 50. I'm sure you can find 50+ year old women that still show strong traits but its unlikely the manipulation and validation seeking work among their peers.

Don't count out dementia. It's common for people to experience obsessive paranoia tendencies at the onslaught of dementia.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

It's very rare for BPD to present at this stage of life, there is likely something else going on. I would look at more 'physical' causes like hormonal imbalance or perhaps onset of aging disorder. The paranoia isn't really indicative of BPD, it's mainly manipulation and drama.


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