# Mistakes



## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I really need some advice. I have been having an affair for about 4 months now. He is a good bit older then me, he is married as well and has kids. Let's just say we never intended for this to happen. We really enjoyed each other's company and he always made the effort to come around and see me. He called me and texted me and acted like he really wanted to be with me.

He has stated that he just wants to be friends now, that all of this has been bothering him. It has bothered me as well. We slept together once and I am in love with him. However I have never said anything about this to my husband. I know he deserves better.

I dont know if I should tell him for risk of hurting him further or just let sleeping dogs lie. I have a real difficult time having sex with my husband now because I slept with another man. I dont know how to explain why it's hard for me to sleep with him, but I know he is concerned and he doesnt know whats wrong. I really need help!! I dont know what to do. I am angry at myself for getting caught up in this and for still loving this other guy.

Thanks for any advice.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You have made a grave mistake in your marriage and you are now paying the price in guilt and shame. First off, do you still love your husband? Are you willing to fight to save your marriage? At this point the best thing you can do is end all contact with TOM. Let me emphasize, ALL CONTACT. If you don’t this will drag out the misery for you and keep you from improving your marriage. Looking from the outside this is what I see as a possibility. You were played. He got what he wanted now wants to walk away as friends and shirk his responsibility in the damage he has done. Now, is he worth hanging on to? As far as telling your husband, if it is unlikely he will find out near term, let it go for now and work on the marriage. Think about it again when you have a better handle on things and have TOM out of your system. When you can see things with a clearer eye, it would be a better time to ponder that move.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I really dont know if I still love my husband. I have such confused feelings that it's hard for me to tell. I dont know how but I do know that I love this other guy. I do feel played, and I have asked him if thats what his intention was and of course he denied it.

He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.

I always had a crush on him and I guess the fact that he seemed interested just took me by storm. Now there is nothing. I am hurt and feel used.

My husband doesnt know whats going on but he knows something is up. I am hurting him tremondously and I dont know what to do about it. I cant pretend to feel things for him that just arent there right now. I am not going to contact this other guy because I think you are right. I am very miserable and it's what I deserve. Thanks for the advice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm sure if you ask those who cheat on their spouses, that they "never intended for this to happen". In fact very few spouses wake up one day and say "I think I will cheat on my H/W and risk destroying my marriage". You have a "real difficult time sleeping with your husband" because you have bonded with the other cheater. If the sex dropped off suddenly your husband has probably already noticed. You need to take a hard look at your marriage and ask yourself some questions. 

1. Am I mean and impatient with my husband more then normal? If you are it's because you are guilt ridden and looking to find fault with him to justify what you have done.

2. Do you think about him being unfaithful or are you having bad dreams? This is projection or transference. Because if a good and loving wife like you can cheat on your husband, your good and loving husband can cheat on you too.

3. Do I feel guilty about having sex with my husband because "I don't want to cheat on the man I love?" This last one is the weirdest of all. You don't want to be unfaithful to the cheater you are being unfaithful with.

The first two questions I believe are positive signs that you can actually save your marriage. IF you confess to your husband. Its amazing how shinning a light on an affair will change your view on the situation. If you don't confess you will most likely duplicate this situation with some other man (I personally believe he just wanted to have sex with you) to try and repeat the chemical high love affairs produce. If you want to save your marriage you will have to go through the crucible of seeing what your adulteress affair is going to do to the man you may still love. If you are left with only the last one. Get a divorce and let your husband find someone who loves him and won't stick a steak through his heart. This may seem harsh to you but if you are committed at all to your marriage working and ever restoring a loving relationship with your husband someone needs to slap you upside your cheating head. 

In closing if you opt to leave your husband and can convince the adulterous man you are having an affair with to leave his wife, you will most likely end up cheating on each other. I would hope that you would come clean and work to restore your love and commitment. Why? 

Because we all have a stake in each others marriages.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> I dont know how but I do know that I love this other guy. I do feel played, and I have asked him if thats what his intention was and of course he denied it.
> 
> He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.


You were definitely played. You may feel like you love him but what is he worth? He has a wife and kids and has an affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Once he slept with you he distanced himself. Do you think this is the first time? Do you think it will be the last??? Get this loser out of your life. Until you can do that you wont really be able to gage your feelings for your husband.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Just one more thing. The title of your thread is called "mistakes". A mistake is when you turn down the wrong street or don't balance your checkbook accurately. And unless this man happened to be wearing a blindfold while walking around naked and priapismic (with an erection) and then just happened to trip and fall inside you because you just happened to be lying in front of him without panties on, with your legs spread, this was not a mistake. It was adultery. If you do not accept full responsibility for your actions there is no hope for you getting beyond this.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Honestly he didnt distance his self from me until here recently, it's been two months since we had sex. He was very loving after we had did that. I understand that I need to forget him to be able to understand how i feel about my husband. 

I know this should have never happened. I am a very shy and reserved girl and I dont know what came over me. He was just so persuasive I guess and he seemed like he had all the answers.

And yes he said that he had done this once before but it had been years ago. He did tell me he loved me and that he had strong feelings for me but the reason he needed to slow things down was because he had even stronger feelings for his family and he felt horrible in the eyes of his kids. 

Not sure why I feel the need to explain his actions. I do know why I think I wanted to cheat. My husband had been having a lot of online sex with other women and had engaged in getting pics of these women and texting them in a sexual manner. I really wasnt getting the attention that I guess I needed.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> He did tell me he loved me and that he had strong feelings for me but the reason he needed to slow things down was because he had even stronger feelings for his family and he felt horrible in the eyes of his kids.


So he is still trying to keep you on the hook.

As for your husband’s behavior it is unacceptable and should have been addressed in communication or counseling, not in vengeance.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

mis·take (m-stk) KEY 

NOUN: 

An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness. 

A misconception or misunderstanding


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Get into I/C now! A marriage takes two. His online sex is not your fault. The affair is. You both need marriage counseling desperately. Even if you decide to get divorced you need to find out why you did it so you can get the tools you need to communicate in any future relationships so it does not happen again.

Good books. After the affair, women and infidelity, more then friends.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I agree with what you are saying amplexor. I have thought the same things, just needed I guess someone else to affirm that. 

I think in making him seem like he is an alright guy it makes me feel like maybe I am not so bad either for doing what I have done. Thanks for all the advice.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

a⋅dul⋅ter⋅y [uh-duhl-tuh-ree]

a verb (an action)

voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

Which word better describes the situation?


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Okay, it was adultery. But it was also a mistake. Adultery usually is.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> He is 49 and I am 27 so I dont know if it was were I was younger or what. But I do feel like he is still a great guy, because he is. Maybe I have some issues with myself for actually seeing things the way that they really are. I just really enjoyed all the attention that he gave me.
> .


A great guy? No he is not a great guy. A great guy would not cheat on his wife and family.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

So great guys and great women are never tempted or cheat? I find that hard to believe. Peoples reasons for doing things aren't always seen. I would never judge someone because of one mistake.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

babyblues7,

If your husband has been having an emotional affair (EA) I can understand how much that hurts. You felt betrayed and abandoned. Will your husband start MC with you if you ask? If he doesn't want to or tries to sweep it under the rug. You may consider telling him about the affair (I suggest you do). This may be your only alternative. You have stated you are not happy in your marriage now. Do you think it will get better or worse if things remain as they are? If you want to save your marriage you cannot be complacent. You should seek individual counseling for yourself asap. I know I have not been compassionate in my posts it is only because right now (at least in my opinion) you do not need compassion you need accountability. Not for me or anyone else on this board. But for yourself. Because you are obviously miserable where you are and I hate seeing people in such sorrow. The only way out of this is through the fire. Your options are 1. keep everything buried and stay in cycle your in (because it will repeat itself). 2 Open up to your husband and try to salvage your marriage (it can be done. Or 3 just get a divorce and move on. But what happens in your next relationship if the same problem comes up?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No you can’t make a complete judgment based on one incident. Recognize that many here a suffering the consequences of an unfaithful spouse and are hurting. Some one who has cheated and comes for advice here may get bashed for their actions. Understandable, but we do want to help you with this as you are asking for advice. My opinion of TOM is low based on the following facts.

He cheated on his wife and family so he is unfaithful, deceitful and a liar.

He has self admittedly cheated on his wife before. Since he has proven himself a liar and cheated already, I doubt it was only once. 

He played you for his own wants without regard for his marriage or yours.

He continues to string you along and won’t commit to anything for either his wife or you.

I suspect his choice of you was about the middle aged male ego as much as anything else. Love? I doubt it.

What you have done is wrong and you have owned up to this fact. You are seeking advice here on what is the best way to proceed. I commend you for that but condemn your actions that brought you here. You have taken some shots and hopefully gained some prudent advice. I hope you will follow it for the good of your marriage and husband. You both have work to do here and TOM should not be part of the equation. Good luck.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I do have accountability for my actions. Believe me I have beat myself up over this enough for everyone. I really dont want compassion just direction.

I know I have screwed up, but I honestly started all of this stuff with TOM in the attempt to have a relationship that would lead somewhere, which is horrible. He told me he wasn't considering getting a divorce from the get go, but his actions were confusing.

The kind of person that I am I dont like to keep things from people that I love. It is really bothering me because I dont want to tell my husband but I want him to know about the affair. I dont want there to be secrets. But I know he will totally flip out and I wont be the same person to him.

Also he will demand to know who it is and I dont want to get TOM in trouble with his own family. I feel like there is no way that I can get on with this without me telling him what I did.

If only I would have used my brain before instead of dismissing it and acting like this was true love and that we were made for each other attitude. When in fact he wanted to just have sex with me. It really does hurt.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I don't consider you torturing yourself over this as accountability. Consequence yes. But not accountability. I would disagree that you don't need compassion either. Every one needs compassion especially when you're hurting (whether its your fault or not). Right now you are broken. There is no doubt you need help. Its how you get it and where it comes from that is to be decided by you. Your husband will not look at you the same. After what he has been doing on the internet, does he look the same to you? People get lost in trying to fill the holes they have in their lives. But those kind of holes never get filled those ways. It is only through truth, love, and communication that those holes get filled. I am speaking to myself as well.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Thank you duration for your advice. Your advice is very sincere and to the point. I appreciate your helpfulness. And no I do not look at my husband the same way that I used to in response to your question. So I agree he would not look at me the same way.

Both of us had only just been with each other. I feel totally ashamed of myself.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> So great guys and great women are never tempted or cheat? I find that hard to believe. Peoples reasons for doing things aren't always seen. I would never judge someone because of one mistake.


Oh I absolutely think great guys and great women are tempted. Many do cheat. Here's the deal though. You doing this was a one time mistake. I am not judging you at all. He however, as you stated has done this before with someone else. Maybe I don't see his reasons, but I think you are selling yourself short if you think he wouldn't do this to you too.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

babyblue7

I took the liberty of reading some of your posts concerning you and your husband. You've been living with this for quite a while haven't you? You guys are just getting deeper and deeper. When you're in a hole like this and you want to get out of it, the first rule is STOP DIGGING. Please get into I/C whether you tell your husband or not.


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Yeah we have been dealing with these issues since about a month into our marriage. He had never had a computer in the house before and that was the start of it.

I cant blame what I have done on him. I did feel like however that if he could do what he wanted to do then so could I. And I know that was the start of it going in the wrong direction. I did feel like he betrayed me and my trust, because he would say that he wasnt doing anything and then I would find out differently. 

Where we live there really arent a lot of couselors. Does that stuff really help?? 

Thank you duration for taking the time to help. Are you in the counselling field?


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> Yeah we have been dealing with these issues since about a month into our marriage. He had never had a computer in the house before and that was the start of it.
> 
> I cant blame what I have done on him. I did feel like however that if he could do what he wanted to do then so could I. And I know that was the start of it going in the wrong direction. I did feel like he betrayed me and my trust, because he would say that he wasnt doing anything and then I would find out differently.
> 
> ...


I know this post was directed to duration, but yes, I do think counseling works if the person going is truly open to change. It sounds to me like you are. I wish you all the best.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> Where we live there really arent a lot of couselors. Does that stuff really help??


Yes it can. You need to find a counselor you are both happy with and who understands your issues.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yes. Most definitely counselors can help. You've tried one way to get your needs met. How's that working for you? A counselor can help you learn to communicate. He/She can help you set boundaries in your lives. Once communication starts you can work on forgiveness and restoration (or dissolution) of your marriage. If you choose to forgive each other (and it most definitely a choice). And yes, more importantly learn to forgive yourselves. Through this process, there will be a lot of pain and tears but they'll come with the hope of healing. You obviously loved each other at some point. You've just lost that person.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

Well I judge you, did you ever stop to think ABOUT his wife and children? my 47 year old husband is having an affair with a 27 year old. its just an ego thing for them because of the age, being able to "get" someone half his age. Well I can tell you, my children and I are BOTH extremely hurt by his actions, remember that the next time you fool around with a married man...shame on you..ps the cheater will also almost never leave his spouse or children for his little strumpet..I hope one day you get what you deserve, oh yeah i almost forgot, I bet he told you his marriage has been in trouble for years right? WRONG!! they lie as well as cheat


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

Well, first Shelby let me just say I am sorry for your hurt and pain in regards to your husbands infidelity. I am not that 27 year old, and I dont think it's up to you to judge me. 

Yes I thought about his family often and what he and I was doing to them. I developed a bad rash caused from the anxiety and nervousness that came with the affair. He traveled a lot so I dont really think it really affected him as much as me at the time, because he was gone so much. I still worry about them now and hope to god they are all alright. I am by no means a strumpet. And no he never did say anything about how bad his marriage was. We both knew it was wrong and we did it anyway without any thought of our consequences at the time. 

Sometimes people just get caught up in it all and when you live a boring life a lot of time it's just something to make you feel more alive. 

I realize I will have to pay for my actions and again I am sorry for your hurts. If you ever wanna talk about anything that maybe I can help you with please let me know, if it would help you it would help me. Thanks for your post.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

babyblues7 said:


> I do have accountability for my actions. Believe me I have beat myself up over this enough for everyone. I really dont want compassion just direction.
> 
> I know I have screwed up, but I honestly started all of this stuff with TOM in the attempt to have a relationship that would lead somewhere, which is horrible. He told me he wasn't considering getting a divorce from the get go, but his actions were confusing.
> 
> ...


Speaking from experience - I had an affair my ex never found out about - he had one that I did and that's what was the final step towards divorce (other factors involved but that was the final) I never told anyone about it until about 3 months ago - I got tired of the guilt and told my fiancee - soon to be husband. When I told TOM - he got a little upset because he thought it was "private" - but what you have to understand and what I told him was - TOM is not more important than my fiancee and by protecting his privacy I was not giving my fiancee the honesty and respect due to him. If you want to make this work - you can't think about wether or not TOM may be affected by what you do - you both made that bed and now have to deal with the consequences. I'm sorry but that's the way it is. Either you want your current relationship to work or you don't. If you do, you either have to keep that guilt inside - and from my experience it will eat at you incessantly and you'll find yourself analyzing small things that your husband says or does and wonder if he somehow knows something - or you can do a full disclosure anything less is not giving your husband the respect and honesty he deserves.

just my two cents.


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## Shelby (Nov 20, 2008)

Babyblue, WE don't lead a boring life, we live comfortably, we're not rich by any means but are far from poor, we just bought a beautiful home, have 2 beautiful boys, my husbands problem is he's getting old and can't deal with it so he finds young girls to make him feel better. She is 26 red headed, large and unattractive. I'm blonde blue eyes. slim and an idiot for putting up with him, which after the holidays, will be through with him. my children and I can no longer put up with his infedility which he constantly lies about, the "we're just friends" is BS and he expects me to shallow that. Perphaps one day down the unforseen future, I'll meet someone who's in it for me and then he'll be sorry because another man will be raising his 8 year old. My 17 year old son is graduating in 2009 with honors and will be attending MSU or Tulane, he hasn't made up his mind. I guess where you and I are different is that I would never get invloved with a married man, its not right and almost never amounts to anything. We're Catholic and he has broken 1 of the ten commandments on more than one occasion, THOUS SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY....


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## babyblues7 (Aug 28, 2007)

I didnt mean to imply that I thought your life was boring. I meant that in regards to my own life.

I am truly sorry for your pain. And if he has cheated on you and from what I read is not the first time, then you deserve so much better, and so do those fabulous kids. 

I do think everyone is different and they have their own reasons for doing what they do, but when you are married you have another person to think about and I failed to think of mine as well. 

I had never been with anyone else but my husband and I dont know if mine was out of curiousity or just stupidity.


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