# Can't let the past go.Or is it the past?



## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

I have been married for 18 years. I have a 16 yr old daughter. I just desperately needed somewhere to talk about how hurt I am with my husband. We have not had it easy. I have suffered from mental illness our entire marriage. About two years ago I discovered that he had been using internet pornography sites for hat he said was 8 years. I confronted him when I got suspicious and found the truth. I had also encountered this before we wed when he threw away some porn tapes and about 3 years after that when I found him watching it late one night and doing "the deed to it". He says he has never cheated on me physically but I just can't believe it for some reason. I never will believe him. We had another huge fight today and he said it was 50% my fault. I was not here for him he said. He is angry at me. I hurt so bad and being bipolar doesn't help because when I bring it up he says I need help. Am I really the problem? Is it 50% my fault? I am so hurt and can't move past this. I don't trust him. I can't say what I did today due to forum rules I believe but it ended with him shoving me down twice and hitting my head on the door frame. H ehas only hurt me once before this when I wanted to run away from it all. I just needed to tell someone. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I just needed to say it.I was going to explode if I didn't. Don't know what to do anymore. Can't let this go.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

sorry watching porn is not cheating IMO. It is still hurtful tomsome spouses though. Now if he is conversing with other women/men for sex, then yes that would be cheating. To me porn is very destructive in most marriages mine included. And no it wasn't my wife that watched it.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It is possible to "abuse" porn and not cheat. The justification is "at least i'm not cheating". It may not make it any easier for you to take, but he will probably not understand where you're coming from. In any case, I think you both need some kind of marraige counseling because your marriage is on a downhill track and moving very fast and take my word for it, when you get to the bottom there's a big crash.


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

I guess I am confused. If it is not cheating then why does it damage relationships? I guess my faith and the ten commandments make me feel otherwise. I am not even one tiny ounce perfect either. I just can't stop the feelings of being hurt, that he felt I was at fault too causing him to make his choices that he has made. Saying that I am the one who needs help. Every time something goes wrong or I get upset he says go to the shrink or he asks if I have taken my meds like I am the problem ALWAYS the problem. He takes little to no personal accountability for his actions but rather throws my mental health in my face. I just don't know how to make this better. It's burned like a brand on my heart, there forever to remind me, so I can never forget, so I can never feel trust, never stop hurting. I am not going to leave I have nowhere to go. No support, family, friends nothing. I have no money and I know my daughter will stay with him despite the fact she unfortunately know some of this. She loves him and she deserves to love him. he has been a good dad to her. He provides for us although I don't get much of a say in what is acquired by him. I have not been very good with money so he has all the control there. I just feel so helpless and hopeless that I feel like I can't breathe, think, or sleep. I just want to hit him and never stop telling him that I was not 50% of his problem with porn. I have cryed so much I don't feel like I have any left but then they come again. I have never felt so bad about anything in my life before and I never will believe he has told the entire truth, only what I caught him doing. My gut says there's more but unless he confesses I will just go on wondering and wondering. Wheni caught him the last time he took the sim card out of his phone and broke it into pieces. Why? Found himwearing a pair of underwear that were not his. Where did they come from? He said he was mad about that and was going to find out how they got in our house but never brought it up again. They are still sitting on my dresser. The womens underwear on the ground behind his truck at our old house, he didn't know how those got there either he said. I feel like a fool. A stupid fool. And he still blames me.


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

Noticed going back through a several hundreds of topics and threads that there are many men who post or reply to posts here. Where are the ladies? Would like to hear male and female thoughts on this. Thank you those who responded though I do really appreciate you taking the time to do so.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Female here, however I'm not opposed to porn unless it's abused. What that means to me is like alcohol. If you've got to hide it, then there's a problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you give him plenty of sex? Do you insist that the lights have to be off? Do you have any hangups about oral? Do the 2 of you have open communication about likes and dislikes when it comes to sex?
Are you passionate when you make love? Are you insecure about your body?

I ask because the above things are what made me go to porn. I'm not blaming you ( I guess I am, but not on purpose) but if the above questions apply to you, improving on them will enrich yalls life and maybe make him never watch porn again.


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

Due to meds I had periods of where lack of desire was there. When they were not severe. I thought we were fine. I always asked him what he wanted, willing to try new things and to keep doing them if it made him happy. I suggested things he might like. I will not say I like my body. We are both very overweight but were not when we got married. I sadly discovered the big O later in life but once I did I loved it even more. I have asked him to share. I even shared one thing that I liked and he just went limp. When we have sex we don't say we love each other just talk about the act of what we are doing " dirty talk " I guess. I have never had a problem with any kind of sex but anal but I was the one who said we should see what it was like he didn't seem to favor it either. Offered to buy enhancement toys but he fell asleep while looking for some last time on the computer. I guess it is what it is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You both need counselling. Living with someone with a mental health issue can be very debilitating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You both need counselling. Living with someone with a mental health issue can be very debilitating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I whole heartly agree. Get counseling asap. Sounds like you are open minded and thats great. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

Have two appointments in the next two weeks. One with him there too. Maybe it will help. Just know I have trouble forgetting past and moving on. So tired.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Catch-22. You're so tired because you can't stop forgetting. You can't stop forgetting so you get tired.

Seems you are a slave to your manic phases, OP. From the words on my screen, I'm wondering if admitting yourself to a psychiatric ward wouldn't be your best bet.


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## DeeDawn (May 7, 2014)

Been There done that.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Then leave. Why make your life miserable? Why make your child's life miserable?

Stop with excuses and do something. It's probably how you got "very overweight" as well. DO something about it. Stop being a victim.


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## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

I have to be honest with you, because I am in the same shoes. Being hurt from (at the least...my hubby's porn), I will never ever be the same. I have died inside.
Porn, vids are cheating. I dont care what anyone says. What it does to the victim is nothing but destruction. My heart is with you, and I too, suffer with you.

Dont let him or anyone ever minimize what he's doing. And, I am a Christian, and understand how you feel.
Bless you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You both need counselling. Living with someone with a mental health issue can be very debilitating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This.

Both of you have serious issues that aren't going to be solved here as they seem to run too deep.


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