# Kicking tires



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I can honestly say I don't understand women. I would like to, and have become quite an avid reader in hopes of gaining a greater understanding of the fairer sex. I recently came across the writings of an author that professed a scale, or progression if you would of women in relationships that succumb to infidelity.

I hope I am not infringing any copyrights, but here is the quick cut and paste version: 

Women's relationships today follow a very predictable pattern:
*

They push men for commitment
*

They get what they want
*

They lose interest in sex
*

They become attracted to someone else
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They start cheating
*

They become angry and resentful
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They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
*

They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages. 

Is this accurate for anyone else out there? It sure as heck reads like the script from my last 10 years of life. We haven't quite completed the entire list yet, and lately the fires of marital discontent have dimmed and there has been no recent talk of divorce. However, she is on the mend surgically, so it is hard to say if this will last, or it only reflects a temporary drop in her "market value". I am trying to believe that it reflects a change of heart, but this whole journey has been a difficult road for me.

I would like to save my marriage. I have some anger issues I'm working through secondary to the above, but I am not sure what traits women let alone my wife, truly value in a husband.
I have honestly tried to become what I would consider a decent and honorable man, but a males understanding of a decent man and a females understanding of a desirable husband apparently are slightly out of sync with one another. I realize everyone is going to value slightly different traits, but ladies what generally are the top five traits that you desire in a husband, and do any of you recognize this "cycle of infidelity", or is it trash?


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

wow... 
I can assure you that is not true about all woman!!! sure we are confusing i will give you that..

my 5 traits are, in no particulaer order...

Honestly/Trust/Faithfulness
ability to be open
commitment (even in tough times)
friendship the one you can openly share ANYTHING with...
Fun and happy

not all of these are traits but this is what i look for in my hubby who has all of these and is perfect..
have you spoken to your wife about how you are feeling/


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think the cycle of infidelity makes sense. especially the part about making them suffer and then leaving. i was watching a dr.phil show and he said pretty much the same thing. but actually, now that i think about it, he was talking about the person who gets cheated on. he says the person who experiences the cheating usually stays and tries to win their spouse back, but inevitably becomes entrenched in rage and bitterness by trying to get even. so although the cycle you mentioned is probably accurate, its incomplete. it doesnt account for the other dancer in the dysfunction. most of what one person does is spurred on by the actions of another. so you cant really isolate one persons actions and say it was all their doing- i think in these situations you both encourage each other down this path.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

That's a general statement about how all women react but thats not true. My ife has a better head on her shoulders then to follow that pattern. She has thought a little about the consiquences of her actions. My wife told me that she said she could have sex with somebody else but not a particular person. So I had sex with her jsut to get those thoughts out.  Still women are craving the attention. They go for the lust and excitement and once that fades they regret as lust has no hold on you long term. Nobody can continue to fill it need. Then the faults come out and she looks at the affair and says man this is worse then my husband and ried to come back. Then he moves on and it ends. Still obvious that's not set in stone but I have read a lot of relationship woes and seen that pattern..


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

Maybe it all depends on the other half as to whether that statement is true or not.

It is definitely NOT who I am or ever have been in over 20 years of marriage! 

As far as what traits women value in their husbands, I would dare say that one of the most important ones is unconditional love.

If you can truly love her in spite of who she is and what she may have done this morning or last week, you can win her heart.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Last, I think you're very bitter and you're generalizing. In my case, my husband is the one who isn't as into sex and frankly, sometimes it drives me crazy. (Today is one of those days, so if it comes across in my posts that I'm cranky, that's why.)

There are always going to be people who marry for the wrong reasons, marry too immature (I won't say young, because there are a lot of 30-somethings that are too immature for marriage), marry because it is the next thing to check off the list... but who don't truly want the person they are with. So, the predictable occurs. If they had the guts to have held off and found the person they truly wanted as opposed to wanting the damned ring and the damned commitment and the damned lie that is their marriage, they would have been better off. But they were too immature and selfish to see it.

You unfortunately, got one of those people. 

This is one of those cases where IT ISN'T YOU. It truly is them.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

dobo said:


> Last, I think you're very bitter and you're generalizing. In my case, my husband is the one who isn't as into sex and frankly, sometimes it drives me crazy. (Today is one of those days, so if it comes across in my posts that I'm cranky, that's why.)
> .


Dobo its posts like this that leave me scratching my head. I see it far more from women then men about not "getting" it enough. Yet my wife cause of her condition doesn't want it much. I would have been a happy man to have a women "WANT" to have sex more and make plans for it. So I want to go to the guys not giving it and slap them to wake them up..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would disagree that this describes womens' relationships. It does describe a common pattern of women that cheat, however.
I think there are a few key elements missing though:

They push men for commitment
*

They get what they want
*

*They feel unhappy with their husband at some point and either talk to him but nothing changes or they keep it to themself believing if he loved me he wouldn't do this*
*

*They begin to harbor resentment*
*

They lose interest in sex
*

They become attracted to someone else
*

They start cheating
*

They become angry and resentful
*

They begin telling their partners that they need time apart
*


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lastinline said:


> They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.


They feel unhappy with their husband at some point and either talk to him but nothing changes or they keep it to themself believing if he loved me he wouldn't do this

I think many women can go through these phases and not cheat and still feel the blame falls on the husband for the state of the marriage because of the above.

When cheating enters the picture, it is likely something they never pictured themself doing, so there may be a need to blame it on the above to avoid the guilt and shame of what they've done.

I don't think this is a gender thing, but how many men and women react when they cheat.


lastinline said:


> I realize everyone is going to value slightly different traits, but ladies what generally are the top five traits that you desire in a husband, and do any of you recognize this "cycle of infidelity", or is it trash?



Treats me with respect and adoration
Intelligent & shares similar morals/beliefs
Hard-working
Enjoys spending time with me (intimate and otherwise)
Someone I can laugh with


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Well in my case it was:

husband pushed for commitment

husband got commitment

husband was controlling and mentally abusive

wife tried to discuss how she felt - but it was always turned around on her that it was not his fault there was a problem and he wasn't taking the blame - so wife stopped trying

wife found someone who understood her better than husband ever had and feel into an EA before she knew it

wife continued on to PA - as well as husband

we got divorced

Its all about a given situation - I know what I did was wrong no question - I don't 'blame' my ex for my misjudgment - I do blame him for not attempting to work on our marriage when it could of been turned around.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Lastinline,

I've been on my own mission to better understand men, so I would be curious to know what men would list as top 5. 


Respected as a husband & provider
A lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets

and okay, that's all I got


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

TNgirl232 said:


> I know what I did was wrong no question - I don't 'blame' my ex for my misjudgment - I do blame him for not attempting to work on our marriage when it could of been turned around.


Good point. I think the anger comes in (for both men and women who cheat) because they would have much rather had their spouse fill the void that they filled with an affair.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think it's pretty good general outline for cheating. Nothing is hard and fast. But ... that is pretty much exactly how my marriage deteriorated.

I would never look back on my marriage and call it a mistake. I didn't marry the wrong person. 

I was aware of the baggage as well as all of the wonderful things about her. 

Knowing how actively she pursued me, and without question, loved me at the outset, made the betrayal and lies incomprehensible. I would never have guessed she was capable of lying to my face the way she did. She used love and trust like a weapon. I would like to think that no spouse enjoys playing the other for a sucker, but it will never again surprise me what anyone is capable of.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

There is no excuse for the person who cheated and the SO is not at fault that they cheated. I agree. BUT - they can be at fault for their being issues in the marriage that allowed this other person to be needy enough for support from someone else. The marriage problems are on both shoulders - how you decide to handle them are on yours. Did I make a really really bad decision - you betcha. Do I pay the consequences every day - you betcha. Could he have been willing to work on the marriage before this would have ever happened? you betcha.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Brighterlight,

I agree, there is no excuse for cheating within a marriage and it is soley a selfish decision the cheater makes. I think it is human nature to want to justify something you are doing that you believe is wrong by pushing blame. I am in no way trying to justify the behavior, just to understand it.

When it comes down to wanting to get past this and keep your marriage in tact, I do believe it's important to recognize issues both parties were having within the marriage in order to really improve it going forward. In that sense, harboring resentment for the cheater will make it difficult to move forward...but recognizing there are things on both ends that can be improved upon can make a marriage even stronger.

It's a lot like step 1 of any self-help program. Being able to admit you have a problem...and going beyond 'you cheated' as the problem to really see what was going on prior to that in the marriage.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well Swedish, the following list would be my 5 traits for an ideal wife in no particular order, as none of them can really survive on their own without the others: Faithful, Intelligent, Healthy, Moral, and Companion

How did I do with my list on marriage talk? In "actual life", I'm batting probably 3 for 5, although faithful and moral may be a tad redundant in retrospect. If that is the case, than put me down for smoking hot, and that raises my "life average" to 4 for 5. All joking aside though, if I had to honestly choose between faithful or beautiful, put me down for faithful in a heart beat, and for the reccord, a good work ethic would trump beauty as well. Too d*mn bad that lamp is out of wishes...


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