# 5 year old daughter keeps saying she doesn't want me to work



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I am a physician assistant who works M-F 8:30 to 5. I think those are pretty good hours. Much better than the hours I've worked previously.

My daughter is 5 and has become increasingly clingy, saying I don't love her because I won't stay home with her and that she doesn't like her dad. I am not sure how to explain this to my daughter: I have to work...for several reasons. First, we need the income. My lazy husband doesn't work (by choice) as he refuses to get a job. Second, I want to work. I don't want to be a stay at home mom. I have huge amounts of respect for women who stay home, but that is not my personality (I am not the patient, crafty type). I have told her this in every way possible. I try to talk about how me working helps us afford everything we have (and I name specific items). I tell her that even if Daddy did work, I make more than he does, so I need to work also.

The biggest issue I have is that I'm not sure if it's me working that is bothering her or that she is home with her father, who, I'll be honest, is a pretty lame stay at home dad. He doesn't do anything with them, he doesn't have much patience, and she constantly says she doesn't like him. I am planning to get a divorce in the next few months. I don't like him either (of course I don't say that to her).

I know she senses so much wrong because my husband is outright mean, mostly to me, but sometimes her as well. I feel so much guilt about leaving her to go to work. When I get home, I try to be so happy and loving, but being in this house just drags everyone down. This marriage is no good for anyone. And I feel like she's bearing the brunt of it. She loves me to pieces and wants me all the time. Thankfully she's in kindergarten and is only without me for 1.5 hours after school. I just wish I could help her see that I have to work and that I love her so much even if I'm not there all the time. She has a special necklace that we each wear a piece of. She gives me a zillions hugs and kisses each morning before I leave for work (and often cries for me). We lie together in her bed at night and read books and cuddle. She just wants more that I can't seem to give without being completely frustrated and overwhelmed.

Being a working mom is really hard. I love this kid so much and her accusations that I don't love her because I work really hurts.  How can I approach this with her? How can I assuage this mommy guilt?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

LH,

Your 5 year old perfectly knows how to manipulate you  

You are the parent and she is the child - don't allow her to lead the relationship. 

Do you neglect your daughter? From your post, I don't think so... Then you don't have to feel any guilt... 

You need to keep her busy with different educational and sports activities - and I understand your husband can do that. Depending what she likes you can offer dancing, ballet, swimming etc. 

Tell her firmly that you love her more than everything and everyone, she is the best girl in the world - however, you and her have different things to do during the day.

Dealing with 5 year old is easy - dealing with 15 year old - that's the challenge


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Agreed. She's the child and you are the parent. 
Five is a fragile age with starting school, there is tons of reverting to babyish behavior. 
Put your foot down and say "I like to work and I need to work." This topic is over. If you want to tell me your feelings that's fine but do not ask me to quit because I will not.

I think that you could find activities for her to do every day when you are gone. Just ask a child to draw a picture, color this, put this together, watch this movie, and she might feel better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think this is about your husband. Ever thought about putting a VAR or nanny cam to see what he does when you aren't there?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree with Mavash. You should verify what it is she doesn't like about Dad, especially if you plan a divorce. He could ask for custody and alimony and child support. Then where will your daughter be?


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

I have thought about the nanny cam many times.

I should have also mentioned that my daughter is a very spirited child since the moment she was born. She is full-force all the time. She is very sensitive to clothing, smells, and negative environments. And, as an intuitive person myself, I can almost tell you certainly that her issue with her father is that he doesn't understand or respect her personality and he isn't stepping up to the plate as a husband/father. In other words, no matter how I try to say that it's okay to love her dad even if we sometimes argue, she sides with me because she can see who is at fault most of the time. I hate that because she's 5 and it's so much for a 5 year old to take on. I remember being her exact age when my parents were divorcing and feeling like I had to please everyone. I didn't want to upset anyone. In her case, she has no qualms about saying how she doesn't like her father. My therapist (who is a family therapist also) believes that she senses her father's incompetence and immaturity and is angry at him for this. As a former 5 year old who remembers "seeing the big picture," I can believe this. The big difference between us is that I was not a spirited child, though very intuitive, and she is both very spirited and very intuitive. 

I can see, by the dynamic exhibited between my husband and my daughter, that he doesn't "get" her loudness, moodiness, exuberance, sensitivity, and persistence. He wants her to fall in line and "act right," something this child simply will not do. If she says she wants grapes, you cannot convince her that she really wants apples. My other child is completely different than she is. So easy and so loving and just such a different kid. I used to blame myself for how spirited my daughter is, somehow thinking my parenting was the cause of her disobedience and tantrums. Now I realize, after seeing another child raised the same way, that it's just her. I'm working hard at learning about how to work with this and we are making progress (read my daughter and me, but not with my husband).

I am not sure how to install a nanny came without him knowing about it as he's always home. I see how he acts around her. He is immature and sometimes mean, generally because she "won't do as [he] told her to do." He doesn't understand her and doesn't try. He just gets frustrated with her and threatens her to no end, which he doesn't enforce ("if you don't do this, you can't have that"...and then he gives in because of her indignant persistence).

I am going to work on the nanny cam suggestion, though I am almost 100% positive I know what I'll see (though I could always still be surprised).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd go the spy route. Get camera's and VAR that he'd never find. 

If your husband treats your daughter bad when you are around it's likely worse when you are gone.

This is just my personal theory and I pray I'm wrong.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Spy cams and Voice Activated Recorders (VAR) will give you a clearer picture....maybe can use to show why in the world he shouldn't get custody and reason for divorce. Have to check your state's laws.

But, since you are leaving the deadbeat anyway - why not use her issue with him to get her into daycare for after school - or aftercare they call it in some places. That's where she's going to be when you boot him back out to the curb.

I'd be studying all the laws on custody and Alimony - he deserves neither. If it means moving to another state that doesn't have alimony..do it. Figure all of this out.
Don't argue in front of her - you don't want any baloney about parental alienation.
If you know you are going to leave. Plan well. It is likely that he will remain unemployed or underemployed. You still need to court order regarding child support. If he ever wins the lottery they will garnish it and any tax return (you may have to instigate the latter) so make sure you get the order even if in reality you know you might never see a dime. 
If he gets disability eventually for whatever they can garnish that too.
Good luck


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> Spy cams and Voice Activated Recorders (VAR) will give you a clearer picture....maybe can use to show why in the world he shouldn't get custody and reason for divorce. Have to check your state's laws.
> 
> But, since you are leaving the deadbeat anyway - why not use her issue with him to get her into daycare for after school - or aftercare they call it in some places. That's where she's going to be when you boot him back out to the curb.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this message. I have spoken with a couple attorneys who said that there's no way he would get alimony, but, depending on the parenting time, he might get child support because of the "formula" we have here in Michigan. Everything is plugged into a formula including the number of overnights, who pays what for daycare and healthcare expenses, and voila, it spits out who pays what. I've been told it's very hard to get around this. From the way my husband talks, he is fine with the kids being with me mostly. I know he would miss them, but he's not dumb; he sees the way they interact with me and realizes it's what best for them. My goal is for them to be with me overnight M-F and then every other weekend (Fri-Sun late afternoon) with their father. Then maybe a weekly dinner/play date with him (like Tue or Wed). I see this as perfectly reasonable. I don't want to interrupt their school schedule while they're this young. Granted, obviously if he wanted to take a vacation with them or if his parents wanted them for a weekend once in a while, I'd be open to it. I'm not a mean person; I just want what's best for my kids. And I truly believe that is to be with me most of the time. I know today's theory is that kids should be with each parent equally if possible, and in this case, it is possible....but I don't see that as the best thing for them. Maybe as they get older, though.

My biggest dilemma right now is whether I move out or stay put. I don't want the house. He can have the house, though if I'm entitled to some of the equity in it, I do want that. He bought the house with funds from his 401k (not sure how much was before and after our marriage) and money from his dad (the biggest issue here is whether he'll claim it's a loan or gift). Obviously if the money from his dad is deemed a loan (but there's no paperwork for this), none of it will be mine. A gift would entitle me to half. Plus I have students loans for living expenses and COBRA that were a result of him losing his job. One of the attorneys I spoke with said he should ordered to pay at least half of these extraneous expenses (given that his unemployment was the reason they were accrued). She also said, though, that even if a court orders him to pay that, it's unlikely that he will.

I really would like to just move out. I have been advised, though, to stay put for as long as possible, though.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

http://courts.mi.gov/Administration/SCAO/Resources/Documents/Publications/Manuals/focb/2013MCSF.pdf

I'm working right now. Check this out you can see HOW it is calculated.

Darlin he wouldnt get child support unless he had CUSTODY.

You don't want that anyway.

You don't even want JOINT custody if you can keep from it.
You want SOLE custody with him granted visitation.

Custodial parent receives Child Support - and yes this is calculated by number over overnights, income etc.

I'll be on later to add to this..but I can't right now.


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## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> http://courts.mi.gov/Administration/SCAO/Resources/Documents/Publications/Manuals/focb/2013MCSF.pdf
> 
> I'm working right now. Check this out you can see HOW it is calculated.
> 
> ...


I'm interested to hear what you have to say! 

I honestly never thought of having sole custody. Though I guess that is what I want. I just thought most people have joint custody these days. And since I'm allowing him to watch them while I'm working (because he is refusing to get a job), I would think the judge would see that as me being okay with his care and supervision of them. I cannot afford to start the baby in full-time daycare and my daughter in after-school care if he is not working WHILE I'm trying to save up for the divorce and moving out, etc.


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