# My Porn Live Cam Addiction - First Post



## TravelingMan82

So I read a few posts here and registered so I can vent but I really have not seen any solutions because I guess it's just not that simple.

I know you've heard it over and over but here goes-

I love my wife but I pay money for cam models almost daily. I've probably spent 30 grand in 4-5 years maybe more. Sites like imlive, livejasmin, naked etc I bounce around from site to site. Sometimes I look for hours for women, and I have a few who I see regularly. Sometimes I meet them off of the sites on skype and paypal them money directly and with a few I've had contact for years. Once one of them was stuck in another state, I was in another country at work, and I bought her a plane ticket and called the guy who had ditched her and scared him into taking her to the airport. Months later she came to my country to see a client and tried to get me to come see her but I wouldn't out of respect for my wife. It's just all out insanity. I even do it at work in my office or when my wife is asleep, I even did it on our honeymoon. I developed the addiction through being gone from home so much and finding sexual gratification through this channel and it's just spiraled out of control. I have like 5 grand worth of happy hour credits on imlive that I don't even use because happy hour isn't personal enough because other people are watching. But just the accumulation of that much happy hour credit means I spent a sh!t load of money there. Also my wife has caught me many times and I hate hurting her feelings but it's not enough to make me stop. I've never told anyone that I know about this problem and I don't expect anyone here to have a solution. The other crazy thing is now that I'm addicted to paying women for sexual favors I do it to normal women who aren't in the business. Facebook friends, ex girlfriends, women who are friends of friends on facebook, I have propositioned them. I think it's amazing how easily they go from "oh no you're married" to once I offer money then they're doing whatever I want. I've never fallen in love with any of them it's purely the lust factor and the control. Also I like receiving compliments from women who see me on cam, most of the time I think they're just doing it for the money but I have high self esteem so then again I feel a form of gratification from the compliments also......Anyways, I just felt like talking about it. I see from the other posts that I'm not alone and that many other guys are addicted to this also, I mean obviously it's a multibillion dollar industry. To the wives out there, I know you think I'm a piece of ****, I feel like it more often then not but my other head is stronger than the one on my shoulders sometimes. I would ask for help but I think that would be unrealistic....I may post some more ridiculous instances later as they come to me...this is only the tip of the iceberg.


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## Mark72

Sounds like you are in really deep. This is going to be a real challenge. It's not like substance abuse, because alcoholics can avoid bars - junkies can avoid the people that sell heroin - etc.
Sexual addiction is everywhere. You have a long road ahead of you and unless you are 100% serious about recovering, you won't recover. I know - I am a recovering sex/porn/cam addict as well.

The first step would be to come clean. Tell your wife how deep this runs. If you belong to a church, talk to someone there. Get professional help. Get the problem out in the open.

Next, get accountability. All your computers, cell phones, any means you have - download programs that feed the information to your wife, accountability partners, etc. Get rid of all your accounts. The freebie points? Sht can them. Do it with your wife watching. Cancel all your credit cards that you don't need for work. Let your wife see the statements every month.


THis is a start - going to work now. Will follow up later


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## mablenc

Mark72 is correct, 

It's seem you are in deep but, you can change, addictions are a way of not dealing with something deeper in ourselves. Is it the attention you get? Or do you get a rush on how you can control these women with money? Does it give you self worth? Did you maybe not get the attention you needed as a child? 

Not asking you to respond, just giving you examples. To get better you are going to have to come clean, and give up your privacy.

You are risking your marriage, and job, but also you are putting yourself in harms way. Not only are you getting suckered out of money you can get physically attacked.

Not to mention your poor wife, her self esteem must be in shreds.

If you seek help you can overcome it as you seem to be very focused on getting what you want. Now you can do it for better.


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## Mark72

yourbrainonporn.com


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## trey69

TravelingMan82 said:


> but I wouldn't out of respect for my wife.


Dude, you don't respect your wife. If you did, you wouldn't even be doing what you're doing by looking at live cams. 

I feel sorry for your wife, I hope she wakes up one day. 

I'm also not sure why you want to come back and post more "ridiculous instances" as you say, you said yourself you don't think there is a solution. Even if there were, I don't think you would be willing to get help, not until you start to value your wife and your marriage, then maybe you might be willing.


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## AgentD

Do you want help? Do you want to stop what you're doing? Then I would suggest seeing a sex therapist. If you do not want help or feel there is no solution, then no need to give us anymore examples, then it would just come across as you bragging about your escapades.


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## wiigirl

AgentD said:


> Do you want help? Do you want to stop what you're doing? Then I would suggest seeing a sex therapist. If you do not want help or feel
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> there is no solution, then no need to give us anymore examples, then it would just come across as you bragging about your escapades.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TravelingMan82

I've found some or a lot of value in all of your comments thus far so no need in quoting any one in particular. This is my way of reaching out for help. 

I can't completely come clean with my wife and tell her everything, I don't want to hurt her anymore. I just haven't been able to quit even though I tell myself all of the time that I'm going to stop doing it. Drinking plays a role in it as well, but even when I've tried to blame it on drinking my wife has refuted that by telling me she's caught me numerous times when I was sober so....that's just another excuse. 

But, saying **** like "I feel sorry for your wife" just pisses me off because you're only hearing about my short comings and my faults so without knowing the good and the bad I'd suggest reigning in the borderline insults. Yes, I have put her through some stuff that she doesn't deserve to be put through but she was no angel before I came around either. I'm not by any means trying to justify my behavior, I obviously know it's wrong and that's why I came here although I had my reservations about taking advice.


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## TravelingMan82

Mark72 said:


> Sounds like you are in really deep. This is going to be a real challenge. It's not like substance abuse, because alcoholics can avoid bars - junkies can avoid the people that sell heroin - etc.
> Sexual addiction is everywhere. You have a long road ahead of you and unless you are 100% serious about recovering, you won't recover. I know - I am a recovering sex/porn/cam addict as well.
> 
> The first step would be to come clean. Tell your wife how deep this runs. If you belong to a church, talk to someone there. Get professional help. Get the problem out in the open.
> 
> Next, get accountability. All your computers, cell phones, any means you have - download programs that feed the information to your wife, accountability partners, etc. Get rid of all your accounts. The freebie points? Sht can them. Do it with your wife watching. Cancel all your credit cards that you don't need for work. Let your wife see the statements every month.
> 
> 
> THis is a start - going to work now. Will follow up later


This advice and yourbrainonporn.com have been the two most useful pieces of information. I completely agree that "Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn" and I also agree with the accountability strategy. I've actually tried that myself but have been hindered by a few obstacles. Without giving away too much personal detail I will say that I am an expat and my wife is a foreign national. This has made it increasingly difficult for me to give her full access to my accounts especially because of the line of work that I am in, I can't be that transparent, or at least not that easily. I've tried to give her access to my accounts but it's going to take a trip to the states and a lot of paperwork to make it happen. But, honestly it sounds like the best idea. If she can see everything....gotta run


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## TravelingMan82

this is very informative

Start here for an overview of concepts & science | Your Brain On Porn


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## Mark72

trey69 said:


> Dude, you don't respect your wife. If you did, you wouldn't even be doing what you're doing by looking at live cams.
> 
> I feel sorry for your wife, I hope she wakes up one day.
> 
> I'm also not sure why you want to come back and post more "ridiculous instances" as you say, you said yourself you don't think there is a solution. Even if there were, I don't think you would be willing to get help.


He may have had an "Aha!" moment. THat is not the same as a 100% commitment to recovery. But it is a start.


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## Mark72

TM,
Let me ask you... How often do you have problems with ED when you are alone with your wife?


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## TravelingMan82

I've never really had a problem with ED with my wife, maybe once or twice in 8 years and it wasn't prominent ED. But I tend to avoid having sex because it feels more like a chore or obligation rather than something I want to do. I'm reading yourbrainonporn right now and already took the first steps by starting to delete my hundreds of GB of porn on my laptop. Tomorrow when I get to work I'm going to delete the rest on my other hard drives. I think the only way I can get back to normal is to stop masterbating. They've explained through the lab rat tests how it's natural to become bored with the same sexual partner but they haven't really explained how to counter that. I'm going to keep educating myself and striving to better myself for the sake of my marriage and my bank account.


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## Mark72

TravelingMan82 said:


> I've never really had a problem with ED with my wife, maybe once or twice in 8 years and it wasn't prominent ED. But I tend to avoid having sex because it feels more like a chore or obligation rather than something I want to do. I'm reading yourbrainonporn right now and already took the first steps by starting to delete my hundreds of GB of porn on my laptop. Tomorrow when I get to work I'm going to delete the rest on my other hard drives. I think the only way I can get back to normal is to stop masterbating. They've explained through the lab rat tests how it's natural to become bored with the same sexual partner but they haven't really explained how to counter that. I'm going to keep educating myself and striving to better myself for the sake of my marriage and my bank account.


Well, it's even beyond ED then. YOu have a long road ahead of you. I think you have taken some good steps though.
The follow through is tough because your brain is going to g through withdrawals. Not of the porn per se but from the dopamine that porn causes your body to release. It IS in fact a chemical addiction that you have, but it's something that your body produces on its own. And the delivery system is porn. 
The real key to making this long term though is to treat yourself like a child that needs to be watched and monitored at all times. Because we do... I do too. 
Do you have some people (preferably close male friends, family, church members, etc) that care enough about you to be accountable to? Guys that will ask you the tough questions every week or every day? Ones that, if you stop going them, will chase you down and make sure you "check in" with them regularly?


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## TravelingMan82

Mark72 said:


> Well, it's even beyond ED then. YOu have a long road ahead of you. I think you have taken some good steps though.
> The follow through is tough because your brain is going to g through withdrawals. Not of the porn per se but from the dopamine that porn causes your body to release. It IS in fact a chemical addiction that you have, but it's something that your body produces on its own. And the delivery system is porn.
> The real key to making this long term though is to treat yourself like a child that needs to be watched and monitored at all times. Because we do... I do too.
> Do you have some people (preferably close male friends, family, church members, etc) that care enough about you to be accountable to? Guys that will ask you the tough questions every week or every day? Ones that, if you stop going them, will chase you down and make sure you "check in" with them regularly?


I wouldn't say it's beyond ED or even remotely close to ED. Like I said I've never had ED, just I don't have sex as much. Still do have sex 3-4 times per week. Anyways, no I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I like the idea of making myself transparent to my wife without stating all the obvious reasons to her about it. Today I'm going to set up a blocker on the internet and give her the password. I spent like 500$ yesterday on livecams and afterwards I just felt stupid, this has to stop!!


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## trey69

TravelingMan82 said:


> But, saying **** like "I feel sorry for your wife" just pisses me off


Sorry its not what you wanted to hear, and I do feel sorry for her. I'm not going to apologize for something I feel. Its human nature to feel sorry for another person who is being hurt. 

The best thing to do is focus on not hurting her anymore and getting yourself some help. Good luck.


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## Mark72

TravelingMan82 said:


> I wouldn't say it's beyond ED or even remotely close to ED. Like I said I've never had ED, just I don't have sex as much. Still do have sex 3-4 times per week. Anyways, no I don't have anyone to be accountable to. I like the idea of making myself transparent to my wife without stating all the obvious reasons to her about it. Today I'm going to set up a blocker on the internet and give her the password. I spent like 500$ yesterday on livecams and afterwards I just felt stupid, this has to stop!!


OPENDNS is good. covenant eyes on top of that is better.


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## Wiserforit

TravelingMan82 said:


> like the idea of making myself transparent to my wife without stating all the obvious reasons to her about it.


... and I like the idea of establishing virginity through sex.

Concealing why you are being "open" defeats the premise of being open. So long as you think this way, the little rationalization hamster is going to be creating more opportunities to defeat her as an ally in beating this problem.

It should come as no surprise that you are hardly the first one to think up this approach, rationalized with the claim one is "protecting" their spouse. Protecting them from the truth.


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## Hope1964

I hope you haven't disappeared, OP. My husband did similar things, although not as severe, and he attends a 12 step group for sex addicts now.

Please read the links in my signature. You need to get in to see a CSAT stat. With counseling you will learn how to tell your wife and how to beat this addiction.

I'd write a ton more but am pressed for time, but please google Patrick Carnes and his book In the Shadows of the Net.

My heart goes out to you.


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## Mark72

OP, how's the recovery going?


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## Depressed and dazed

Dear OP
My ex husband had this problem, I found out after having been married to him for 9 months. Of that is, I found the tip of the iceberg after 9 months. The discoveries kept coming, the lies, the recriminations, his gas lighting, denials and minimising. Then came the reduction in sex, his telling me it is a chore, his daily visits online to porn, sex dating sites, cam sex...the list goes on. I knew that he was not serious about giving up his lifestyle, just learned to hide it better, but not well enough. You can see my posts in this section under Addicted to masturbation/online chats.
As you will see, I left him. After all this ceased to be enough stimulus, he went to a massage parlour. That for me, was the deal breaker. But sadly, all of this had such an affect on me.
Initially, I lost weight, couldn't sleep, withdrew from friends and family. Ultimately, I worked through all this, prepared myself for the inevitable end of marriiage, planned my exit and simply left him. T
That was 3 months ago. I have never been happier. I did the right thing. I do not want to live with a man like that. My choice was a wise one.
I saw a couple of weeks ago he has his profile up on a legitimate dating site (how we met!!) and so I expect, he will start all over with a new woman.
Some people can change, some cant, some simply don't want to.
You need to consider how much you are willing to pay for your hobby- and I don't mean money!
Do not be foolish enough to think your wife will take this forever. She wont. It is too soul destroying. 
You ARE risking your marriage, the respect of your wife, your self respect....how do you know she even feels the same way about you now? My guess is that she could not. 
My ex husband gradually destroyed everything I felt for him. By the time I left, it was simply a logistical exercise in moving. The emotions were long since spent. I made a choice to withdraw from him- to save myself.
Be careful just how cavalier you are with your wife's feelings...do not continue to take her for granted, as it will likely be at your peril.
DD


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## Mark72

OP??? How is the recovery?


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