# I cant seem to find any light in this darkness



## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm back to thinking about suicide again. I think about it constantly. My life is so far from where is supposed to be. And my husband goes through periods where he will ignore every call or msg or anything. He always does it, so I don't know why it bothers me anymore. Maybe its because I know hes with her when he does it. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I ran off all my friends. I didn't want people to see me hurt like this, and it hurt their lives, and I lash out at people. I can't eat, sleep, work. I have 3.8 GPA and now Im failing. I try to smile, and live but its impossible. My husband has an 18 yr old girlfriend and she met all his family and Im some cast off. And you know his sister was arrested for molesting our child and they all accept her and never said anything about it, but treated me horribly. I want to die. I'm so alone. I'm thinking about taking myself to hospital because I really might find some way to end my life. Anyway is better than this.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're in such pain. I'm also suicidal and alone. It sucks. I can't believe how he and his family have treated you! Screw them! What a nasty piece of work they are!!! Does your husband still live with you? If so, boot him the hell out. Are you in counselling? Anti-depressants? Get yourself to a dr ASAP, or hospital if you think you are in danger. I'm holding out till tomorrow when I see my dr. Didn't know if I would make it through the weekend tbh. Does your child live with you? How old is she/he? This is so hard, but you do need to look after yourself. I don't eat much or sleep either. Can you explain your situation to the school and take a break? I don't have friends either. I don't know what happened with them, but are you sure they're not interested? I think you should approach someone and ask for help. I'm sure they wold understand how you've not been yourself- and you're not- this is your depression talking. I think distraction is a good thing, put a film on, if you can managed a walk, do that. I went to the cinema tonight. It didn't even matter what it was, I just had to have a break from thinking. Make a plan for what you can to help yourself. You deserve so much more than this. You have a bigger destiny than this. Hold on until you can see someone who will listen. And keep posting back here, ok? I'm on your side, and the people here will give you so much support. Big hugs xox


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

Please call, every life is precious. Think about your family they need you. This is a temporary situation, things will get better. You are not alone I care what happens to you. God cares about you.
‎

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
‎National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

I would call but I broke my phone. All I want is be alone and cry in my bed all day. My husbands been moved out for a while, I probably should have posted on the same thread. I've tried everything counseling, pills, its all only a temporary fix. Ive been struggling with BiPolar for 10 years, and the last 3 years I was one my meds, but when my husband left I started vomiting all the time, the medication wasnt staying in my body. So they tried another medication, but the vomiting came back and I lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I dont know what to do anymore. I alienate everyone because I dont want to hurt this way, why have friends? They always tried to sleep with my husband anyways... I do have my son. He lives with my most of the time. Which makes everything harder. Hes so sad. I can see it. We are miserable and I hate my life.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: I cant seem to find any light in this darkness*



seriouslysad said:


> I would call but I broke my phone. All I want is be alone and cry in my bed all day. My husbands been moved out for a while, I probably should have posted on the same thread. I've tried everything counseling, pills, its all only a temporary fix. Ive been struggling with BiPolar for 10 years, and the last 3 years I was one my meds, but when my husband left I started vomiting all the time, the medication wasnt staying in my body. So they tried another medication, but the vomiting came back and I lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I dont know what to do anymore. I alienate everyone because I dont want to hurt this way, why have friends? They always tried to sleep with my husband anyways... I do have my son. He lives with my most of the time. Which makes everything harder. Hes so sad. I can see it. We are miserable and I hate my life.


Children can feel your hurting. Where are your parents, siblings? Find a neighbor, someone to help.

You have access to your computer, you can chat with the hotline at this address:http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/Accessibility


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

my sisters havent spoken to me in almost a year, over an extremely petty argument at easter, and my parents never really cared. I suppose thats really why I want to die. Ive tried everything with my husband, and my family, I stay to myself because I feel like Im not capable of being loved. And thats where that emptiness lies I guess.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

I don't even know if my son would remember me.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> I don't even know if my son would remember me.


How old is your son? You can get through this, people do get through this. You have a long future ahead of you, your GPA is very impressive I was unable to achieve that in college. You can make it on your own. 

Chopsy is right, you need a distraction, you need to get thinking about something else. You said you should probably go to a hospital, go find a neighbor and ask them to call 911 to get you to one.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

Please try to chat with the online help. Don't do anything until you can talk to someone. Chopsy this goes for you too, contact the hotline. Do not give up on life.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Hes four. Im okay now. I think I cried myself out. Now Im just exhausted. I feel like a terrible parent though. He took a really long nap so he didnt see me cry a lot today but I kinda an just not there, and I dont want to be that person.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> Hes four. Im okay now. I think I cried myself out. Now Im just exhausted. I feel like a terrible parent though. He took a really long nap so he didnt see me cry a lot today but I kinda an just not there, and I dont want to be that person.


Give yourself a break life is really hard sometimes. Both you guys just have more pain than you can cope with right now. You are not at fault for any of this, you can get through this. You need help though. 

Four is a wonderful age, they are just starting to really talk and express their personality. It is a world of discovery for him.

Listen if you ever need to talk you can PM me anytime I do care and you too Chopsy.

PS: I just noticed where your from. I live in Minnesota now but was born in Shreveport and graduated from LA Tech. You going to Northwestern, my brother graduated from there.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

I also lived in New Orleans for 13 years and met and married my wife there. Thanks for the friend request.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Thats really cool!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

No man is worth this pain. Certainly, no man is worth your life. Your depression will stop you from seeing this so I hope you will reach out for help. You are young and will have many wonderful years with your son.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

And yes I attend NSU here. Im in the IT program and had this awesome intership (I was working for that for years), and I completely blew it.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> I don't even know if my son would remember me.


of course he'd remember you..don't be silly...your his mom. 

besides getting through this and living the rest of your life...you have your son to consider here...so knock off the suicide crap...pick yourself up and figure it out. Get help. 

One stupid jackazz is not worth killing ourselves over...he's a penis that can be replaced yanno. He doesn't determine your very essence and being. It feels like that now but it's not true. He's 'one' man and a dooshbag at that. 

I don't have any family either. I have two grown kids...no parents no sibling...my kids are out being in their 20's...my stbxh walked out on me...and I am going through the divorce from he!!...he didn't even leave me because of another woman..although I'm sure he's dipping his stick into a few now...what am I to do? There is no chance of a R with this one...as I have an OFP on him...done. 

The way you feel...is exactly...EXACTLY the way i felt a mere few weeks ago...two months ago or so perhaps...it was either get a grip or roll over and die...ya well...c'mon...really? Are we going to let 'one man' ruin who we are? Or can be? I don't think so...no. 

Don't let this guy 'own you'...figure this out...you have too...especially because of your son...can you imagine him growing up knowing he wasn't worth it for you to live for him? That's pretty sad girl. 

If you need the help...get the help...and it sounds like you do. Couseling...meds...find new friends...TAM...refocus...reinvent yoruself...get your friggin balls back. 

You have got to realize one guy just is 'not worth' an entire life time of pain...or ending our lives for...geez...this is a hump...what your experienceing is something you 'can and will' get through...if you have to 'want to' get through it. And take the steps neccessary to do so...

Stop letting him control you...own you...get the best of you...clean up your act...take your life back...control what you can...and actually girl...you have the chance to control everything about you now...so do it. Seriously...start making changes to fix yourself...re invent...

let this dooshbag go...we can't control what choices these guys made doing what they've done to us...we can't...but we CAN chose how we react and continue to LIVE... you have a four year old that needs you to be strong...and vivacious...your a mom...YOU ARE A MOM! PUT THAT FIRST...

You are putting your f'd up situation first...you can't do that. You need to rethink and reprogram your brain...change little things...then change bigger things...but make some dam changes...GET OUT OF BED! MAKE SOME PHONE CALLS! MOVE!!!!!

DO NOT ROLL OVER AND DIE! ...Stop letting your ex win...there's been enough dam damage...repair yourself...you have two major reasons to do so...

So do it. Get a dam grip. I had to...and If I had to...(and I didn't have anyone else but me...except for pets)...but if I had too...you HAVE TO! 

Make a choice to live! Fight for you life! No more pity party...reclaim your old friends...make new ones...get help...get meds...leave this guy alone...make changes...color your hair...paint your nails...get closer to your son...

RE-INVENT YOU!!!!


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Depression is putting HUGE blocks in my mind. Now Im experiencing my more and more scarce "clarity". Sometimes I can see all the problems but I see very little I can really do about it. My husband isnt a terrible person... At least he wasnt always. He makes really bad choices, and I wish he would see. He says hes hurt over everything but he will NOT dump his girlfriend. Ive begged and pleaded, he even said he wanted to, but never did. I wonder why men cheat on the women the supposed love? I have a friend who does this. He apparently cares about her but has a friend he sleeps with. Its like a science fair project to me sometimes. I watch him and I compare it all to my husband, and try to find the link. But I cant. None of it makes sense


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> And yes I attend NSU here. Im in the IT program and had this awesome intership (I was working for that for years), and I completely blew it.


Im in IT too, been in it 32 years now. Started off in Mainframes, then worked with PC's, then big Unix environments, and now Linux back on PC's.

Don't worry about the internship, there are always jobs for good people in IT and with your grade point average you should have no trouble. What are you studying, engineering or programming?


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> Make a choice to live! Fight for you life! No more pity party...reclaim your old friends...make new ones...get help...get meds...leave this guy alone...make changes...color your hair...paint your nails...get closer to your son...
> 
> RE-INVENT YOU!!!!


I like that idea. :smthumbup:


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

well it WAS a 3.8. Last semester I failed every single class. Ive never even dropped a class before, so now I have a 2.8... I'm in programming, thinking about cyber security, web design. Im also taking a PC pro class for a certification to repair and diagnose pcs. I went to the doctor last month, but medications arent working out. I am definitely one of those people that isnt normal without them. I'm going back tom. I have to talk to someone. This sadness really isnt me. And I dont want to be forever lost because of my husband. Its just hard, replanning my whole life.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

Security is the growing field. Learn as much programming as you can because you need it to be effective.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Seriously, thank you all. Today when I got on, I was very sad. Now I'm okay again. I dont doubt that you guys saved my life.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm also having to plan a new life and it's scary and sometimes I feel I can't see a future for me. I think the key is to live in the present as much as you can. Please talk to someone at your uni, I'm sure they would help you out. At least you have the IT course. I'm not in any course right now but with zero qualifications am going to have to do something soon. It's tough. Six months from now you will be feeling better and have a direction and plan. And do insist your dr sort your meds! Lay it on thick, let them know how much you're struggling. Tell them about the suicidal thoughts. Theres enough meds out there, they should be working to find you something that works. Don't put up with a shoddy dr, get a second opinion if this one is no good. I effin hate drs sometimes!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> well it WAS a 3.8. Last semester I failed every single class. Ive never even dropped a class before, so now I have a 2.8... I'm in programming, thinking about cyber security, web design. Im also taking a PC pro class for a certification to repair and diagnose pcs. I went to the doctor last month, but medications arent working out. I am definitely one of those people that isnt normal without them. I'm going back tom. I have to talk to someone. This sadness really isnt me. And I dont want to be forever lost because of my husband. Its just hard, replanning my whole life.


What the he!! your a friggin brainiack! How awesome is this! Get yer act together and get that GPA back up and keep on doing what you clearly do best! WOW! GOOD FOR YOU!!! Dive right back in where you left off with avengence...more now than ever...I mean don't overwhelm yourself...don't get me wrong here...but your on such a roll with education...I'm proud of you for this...daaaang.... and with a 4yr old... yea... you clearly are in a hump...but you have a good head on your shoulders and on your way to provide a good life for yourself and your son...not having to rely on anyone but yourself...big huge plus here... yep... luv it. :smthumbup::smthumbup:

As for why some guys do what they do...well...some women are skanks too...wives cheat...good men left to hang and dry ...etc... you will find a lot of good guys here on TAM that have been burned...why people burn others and chose to go down the destructive path for self gratification....is exactly that...

self gratification...addiction...drugs/alcohol...just pure dumbness. Who knows...there's more excuses out there than there is pebbles in the sand...the key is...you got yourself one of them...you got burned..dumped...you say it like it is...own it...it is what it is...scream it out loud...he's a prick that did you wrong...period. F'k it. And? So? ....you get over the sting...the pain...the mental and emotional anguish...you pick yourself up...brush yourself off...and move on...good days...bad days...half azzed days...but you 'move'.... 

We all ask 'why'...don't we? The thing about 'whys' is...HE could give you an answer...'because you did this...because you said this'... 'because I needed this'...'because I was drunk'... 'because because because.... blah blah blah....and after you get your answer...you still are gonna ask...'why?'...'but why?".... 

You see... you will NEVER EVER be able to wrap your head around the reason 'why'...there's never a true answere to that. Why did he make that choice...why didn't he fight for us...why did he hit me...why does he call me names? Why did he need to escalate that fight? ....

The 'whys'...just hurt ourselves the most... so come on here...and express yourself...vent...write it out...ask all the 'why's you want... just to get it out...

We will forever always want to know 'why'...why me...why us... Why God??? Why?? 

Let it go...when your ready...you need to ...let it go...it's part of the healing process...

People are dumb...they make wrong choices...you have...I have...He has... What 'you do'...to recover however...is up to you... Control your future...control your next five minutes...

I had to live minute to minute back in the day...to survive...getting out of bed was a big azz accomplishment...eating was a big one...finding an atty...and I lived on this forum (I still do) I need the therapy...THIS PLACE is therapy...as will as my group (domestic violence group) and my individual couseling...as well as the books this place has recommended...gosh I cannot tell you how much I've read... 

absorb...absorb...seek...absorb...and heal...



********_'One man...will not....does not...define you young lady....' __Understand me? _


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Ive been on several different meds over the years. They want to run test to find out why I cant keep them down. Like they said ulcer? Im not sure though. Well its been about 6 months since he left... and I dont feel much better. LOL All the drs here are shoddy, I dont have health insurance. Im going to go to see the counselor tom at the school, they know me... to say the least. She even saw my husband at one time. Im always really afraid to tell them extent of my symptoms. I'm afraid that they would admit me (Ive been admitted for suicidal ideations before). Once they put me on drugs so heavy, that when my son was an infant, they MADE me enroll him in daycare because I could not care for him and take those pills.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I'm also having to plan a new life and it's scary and sometimes I feel I can't see a future for me. I think the key is to live in the present as much as you can. Please talk to someone at your uni, I'm sure they would help you out. At least you have the IT course. I'm not in any course right now but with zero qualifications am going to have to do something soon. It's tough. Six months from now you will be feeling better and have a direction and plan. And do insist your dr sort your meds! Lay it on thick, let them know how much you're struggling. Tell them about the suicidal thoughts. Theres enough meds out there, they should be working to find you something that works. Don't put up with a shoddy dr, get a second opinion if this one is no good. I effin hate drs sometimes!



Right Chopsy 


seriouslysad...
...and yes...meds...deffinately keep working on figuring that out...sounds like you were going to do that monday?...yep...good choice right thar...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> Ive been on several different meds over the years. They want to run test to find out why I cant keep them down. Like they said ulcer? Im not sure though. Well its been about 6 months since he left... and I dont feel much better. LOL All the drs here are shoddy, I dont have health insurance. Im going to go to see the counselor tom at the school, they know me... to say the least. She even saw my husband at one time. Im always really afraid to tell them extent of my symptoms. I'm afraid that they would admit me (Ive been admitted for suicidal ideations before). Once they put me on drugs so heavy, that when my son was an infant, they MADE me enroll him in daycare because I could not care for him and take those pills.


Well..be careful of this...keep your wits about you. You have to function. You have a child and school...you need to find a doctor you can trust...if you feel you are doing better...then you are doing better...

hopefully the med thing can be figured out soon...don't know how you can find a new/fresh doctor in your area...or about health insurance...I wish I could help on that one... Elegirl on here is a world of resources...she might come up with ideas..


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm def going back to dr, and back to a counselor. Ive kinda been making excuses not to go, like "im fine..." turns out I am sometimes but not all the time... I have to do this for my son. I have to graduate. I went back to college because I didnt want to rely on someone else to pay my bills. I want more than anything, for my son to as happy as possible. I just worry his dad makes that hard for him. He asks about daddy, and we both came to his daycare last week and I havent seen him smile like that in a long time. It just tugs on me. Im going to do it though. Hes all I got. And I dont want him to resent me or something when hes older. I worry about how this affects him. I just want whats best for him, and I had read all these articles about how terrible divorce is for kids, blah blah, I think it brainwashed me a bit. And now my son just asked to see my husbands girlfriend.... Urg. I hate that girl. Im rambling, maybe it is bed time. lol


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Stella Moon said:


> Well..be careful of this...keep your wits about you. You have to function. You have a child and school...you need to find a doctor you can trust...if you feel you are doing better...then you are doing better...
> 
> hopefully the med thing can be figured out soon...don't know how you can find a new/fresh doctor in your area...or about health insurance...I wish I could help on that one... Elegirl on here is a world of resources...she might come up with ideas..


Im totally applying for medicaid. I go to like behavioral health clinic. its not the best but its better than nothing. My mom was talking about shelling out the money for like a really good doctor. She wants me to see a neuropysch. Alot of my issues stem from something wrong with my brain. Under normal life circumstances I do very well, but stressors seem to push me past my limit. A therapist did tell me that I immediately turn to suicide, like any problem, suicide is the answer. I know thats what I have to get out of my brain. Im kind of obsessive too. Okay not kind of, I am very much obsessed.


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: I cant seem to find any light in this darkness*



seriouslysad said:


> I'm def going back to dr, and back to a counselor. Ive kinda been making excuses not to go, like "im fine..." turns out I am sometimes but not all the time... I have to do this for my son. I have to graduate. I went back to college because I didnt want to rely on someone else to pay my bills. I want more than anything, for my son to as happy as possible. I just worry his dad makes that hard for him. He asks about daddy, and we both came to his daycare last week and I havent seen him smile like that in a long time. It just tugs on me. Im going to do it though. Hes all I got. And I dont want him to resent me or something when hes older. I worry about how this affects him. I just want whats best for him, and I had read all these articles about how terrible divorce is for kids, blah blah, I think it brainwashed me a bit. And now my son just asked to see my husbands girlfriend.... Urg. I hate that girl. Im rambling, maybe it is bed time. lol


You are doing the right things, don't waver from your plan it's a good one. Get the education and your in a good field of study. The pc skills might help you find a job while finishing your degree. Not sure what industry is there, wasn't there s military base near by or did it close down?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> Im totally applying for medicaid. I go to like behavioral health clinic. its not the best but its better than nothing. My mom was talking about shelling out the money for like a really good doctor. She wants me to see a neuropysch. Alot of my issues stem from something wrong with my brain. Under normal life circumstances I do very well, but stressors seem to push me past my limit. A therapist did tell me that I immediately turn to suicide, like any problem, suicide is the answer. I know thats what I have to get out of my brain. Im kind of obsessive too. Okay not kind of, I am very much obsessed.


Yea well...you best figure it out girl...you have a four year old...this suicide stuff is a sissy cop out...lame excuse...I can see it as it being a hump during a situation...but not a deffinate frequent flyer thought...if that's what's happening...yea..you best deal with this asap...that craps got to stop. 

That's not fair to your boy. No way.. that sucks. Through and through. We all can have brain glitchys...but deffinately need to deal with them asap... especially when kids are involved. That there is enough reason to get your life in order....and stay in order. No excuses. None. Deffinately not some low life ex husband... triggers are not an excuse...not anymore. 

You need to retrain that brain of yours and stick to it.


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## seriouslysad (Feb 16, 2013)

Yeah they say the best kind of therapy for people me is Dialect behavioral therapy. I dont just need to talk about my issue but change how my mind thinks. Youre 100% right, living like this isnt fair to him. So far the only provider I found in my state is for military personnel and family only.  BUT Im not giving up.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

seriouslysad said:


> Yeah they say the best kind of therapy for people me is Dialect behavioral therapy. I dont just need to talk about my issue but change how my mind thinks. Youre 100% right, living like this isnt fair to him. So far the only provider I found in my state is for military personnel and family only.  *BUT Im not giving up*.



I am so proud of you...and I'm just gettin' to know ya!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Your son will be fine as long as his mommy is happy. I know you're not quite there yet, but I love your fighting spirit! And don't read any more articles about effect on divorce on kids. You being happy and fulfilled is what will make him feel secure and happy. Of course he misses his daddy, does your ex see him often? Your son has his own emotions about what's happend and he will need his mommy to be strong so he can safely express his feelings. Sounds like your H needs to step up and see his son more often. He's a ********* if he doesn't appreciate his gorgeous son, but then we know he's total douche for running out on you. I know how down you are, but you seem so determined to fight this! Love it! You're inspiring me now to fight harder in my own battle.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hey There - 

My heart goes out to you, and I am glad you are reaching out and getting the support you need and deserve. Your child needs you to gather all your ourage and love and strength for the both of you, and start a fresh new chapter. It is easier said than done, I know! Are you working out, getting exercise? Eating healthy? Those two self-care essentials cannot be discounted when it comes to depression. 

Hang in there and keep us posted.

Cheers, - A12


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