# Wife had affair. I want a divorce but fear she will take child out of state.



## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

So my wife had an affair. Ever sense our marriage has been terrible. I don't think I can continue with marriage. The problem is, we currently live in California. We have only lived here a year. Moved her for a job. We are originally from Idaho. Live their our whole lives. Both families are there. Everything is there. Nothing is here in California except my job that I love very much. 

I know if we get divorced my wife will want to move back to Idaho. She has no reason to stay in California. She will take my 4 year old girl with her. She will probably move in with her parents. She is a stay at home mom. She cant provide for herself and our daughter on her own. 

I know what you are all saying. Legally she cant move the child out of state. I won't fight her on this. There is no way she can survive on her own and provide for our daughter. 

If we get divorced and she goes back to Idaho, I will eventually have to quite my job (that is my dream job) and move back to Idaho. I don't see any other alternative. 

If I stayed in California, I would not be able to father my child. I love my child more than anything and want to be in her life. Even the fact of being away from her for a few months while I find a job in Idaho just kills me. 

Honestly don't know what to do. Has anyone here parented children form another state or far away? How do you do it? I only care about my relationship with my child. She's all I have. 

Please advise.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What do you mean she can't survive on her own. Course she can she will have to get a job and work. She cheated on you and your marriage. Who cares if her life isn't easy. Let her go, the kids stays with you


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

freeride376 said:


> So my wife had an affair. Ever sense our marriage has been terrible. I don't think I can continue with marriage. The problem is, we currently live in California. We have only lived here a year. Moved her for a job. We are originally from Idaho. Live their our whole lives. Both families are there. Everything is there. Nothing is here in California except my job that I love very much.
> 
> I know if we get divorced my wife will want to move back to Idaho. *She has no reason to stay in California. *She will take my 4 year old girl with her. She will probably move in with her parents. She is a stay at home mom. She cant provide for herself and our daughter on her own.
> 
> ...


She has an excellent reason to stay in Cali...that is where her daughter will be. 

Why is it set in stone that she takes your child back to Idaho?


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> She has an excellent reason to stay in Cali...that is where her daughter will be.
> 
> Why is it set in stone that she takes your child back to Idaho?


Both points are great. I guess I worry that if she is forced to stay in California for our child she may find someone here and end up staying forever. I don't know if I want to stay in California forever. One day I want to move back to Idaho. 

Also I love that she is a stay at home mother. I want a stay at home mother for my daughter. Now all this is ruined. My daughter will have to go to day care all day every day. I hate that thought.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Who the fvck says she gets to have physical custody of the child ?

Thats your problem in a nutshell.. 

I work full time in NYC and I have physical custody of my 2 boys, at the time they were 12 and 8 of my pending divorce.. 

You just need a lawyer who can see it that way.. 

You can support you and your child and she can go to work to support herself and pay you to help support your child..

Before you cry divorce, divorce, divorce to your STBXW, I would talk to a lawyer extensively and then make a move for the divorce when you have all your ducks in a row AND several backup plans for the what if moments..


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I say you discretely gather as much leverage as you can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

freeride376 said:


> Both points are great. I guess I worry that if she is forced to stay in California for our child she may find someone here and end up staying forever. I don't know if I want to stay in California forever. One day I want to move back to Idaho.
> 
> Also I love that she is a stay at home mother. I want a stay at home mother for my daughter. Now all this is ruined. My daughter will have to go to day care all day every day. I hate that thought.


Excuse me, but she wasn't a stay at home mother. She was a stay at home cheater.

Incidentally, is divorce the only option? Might marriage counselling help you both see a way forward?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe you and your old lady can come together and learn the tools to affair proof the marriage and work together in having a healthy marriage so you don't have to make such a lose lose kind of choice.

Granted I understand what a deal breaker is but you have not told us how long ago the affair was and is your old lady worth working on or should she be thrown back.

I mean is your old lady still going out and screwing around with her friends?

Are you just assuming she will bail?

Is she making threats of bailing?

Whats your lawyer say?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce in California? Ugh.

Move back to Idaho, divorce the wife, then move back to California.

Yes, I'm kidding. _But only barely._


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

freeride376 said:


> My daughter will have to go to day care all day every day. I hate that thought.


Besides the expense (and it's a big friggin expense) there are a lot of positives to a child going to daycare. The child is interacting with other kids their age, helping inmensely with social development. Most larger daycares offer preschool programs for 4 year olds, "pre-pre-K" if you will which gives them a jumpstart school wise.

Divorce is going to be hard. It's rare that it's quick and easy. You say you don't want her going back to Idaho while you are in Cali. Speak to an attorney whether she can even do this. But then you say you don't want her building a life in Cali, if you decide you want to move back to Idaho. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways. If divorce is the route you want to go, you may want to decide where your long term future rests.

Hope it all works out for you. Sorry for the crap sandwich your wife fed you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

If you want the kids to be in California, then go file for temporary custody first. The kids are here NOW, your two are here NOW, and California will have jurisdiction over the kids.

No one can tell you what will happen later on. Maybe she'll stay, maybe you'll get a different job in a different state. Worry about now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

freeride

How old are you and your wife?
How long have you two been together?

If she is a stay at home Mom when did she find time for an affair?

What do you want now?

What does your wife want now?

And does she know why she cheated???

HM


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Forcing her to stay in CA is going to be difficult. There's nothing to stop her from taking them to Idaho to visit and then refusing to return, it's not like she has a job to come back to. Much better to have an agreement with her. How did she feel about making the move in the first place? 

Did you guys discuss why she had an affair?

CA is expensive and depending on her skills she may not be able to make much, have you looked into what kind of child support and alimony you're on the hook for in Cali?

And you're correct, if she has to stay in Cali she will meet someone else and settle there. Even on the off chance you got the kids you'd also have to stay in Cali.

This is a tough one, best to get legal advice.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry you are here man.

Do you still love your wife, does she still love you ??
If so, are the two of you willing to work for this marriage?

You say it's been terrible, in what way ?
Is the A over? 

Give us something to work with here, more info.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Original thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/266626-my-wife-had-affair-need-advice.html

Did you ever get the poly done?

Did you catch her again?

I thought you were trying to reconcile.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Stay married work on your marriage so you can be a Dad to your daughter. Have you talked about why she had an affair and is she going to stay faithful? Does she want to stay married? If neither one of you want to stay married then I don't see how this could work.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Original thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/266626-my-wife-had-affair-need-advice.html
> 
> Did you ever get the poly done?
> 
> ...


Did you get more information on the make out sessions in the car ?

Did you try the method I emailed you ?


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## quester (Nov 22, 2014)

File for divorce. The first action of the court is to establish "Status Quo" - where both parties maintain everything "as is" as much as possible as it was the day you filed. This will last for the duration of the divorce - which in my case took about a year.

In most states in the US, there is a limit on how far she can permanently take a child from the other parent. In my state, it's 100 miles as the crow flies. She cannot take the child further. This would definitely stop the Idaho move - and it would establish a court in CA as the jurisdiction your divorce is managed by until the child reaches 18 1/2 yrs of age.

After that (for the next year or until the divorce is final), it is up to you to establish to the court the reasons why your child should not be removed from the state and the existing custodial environment - and it will most likely be up to your soon to be ex to establish proof or good cause for removing her and taking her far from you. Agree to nothing unless you actually agree. Never give in. It's your child.

As a man, be an equal parent, fight for your kid - dont believe the BS that exists in so many states that women are somehow "more" of a parent and should make decisions for the child more than you - and have more time with them. It's 1950's BS. Stand up against it!

Go for 50% physical and 50% legal with your child, equal visitation, and research all of the reasons that she is tied to the state of CA. School, friends, activities. Every reason why a change of circumstance is not warranted.

Tell mom to go - and that the child stays with you.

If you get your judgement of divorce signed and it is agreed that your child stays with you in CA, and she leaves with her anyway, that - is parental kidnapping, and courts do not treat those cases lightly. She will lose BIG time if she sets one foot outside of your state with the child with no intention to return.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You ought to lawyer up and file in the state that is most advantageous to you and your kid.

File to get custody terms in place.


She can't just run off to mommy's house and ignore your valid reasons for staying in Ca for a job.

Clearly, the stay at home mom route is not working for her, she has far too much time on her hands if she is cheating.

One thing to consider, talk with lawyer about it. California is a community property state, I have no idea about Idaho. 

This impacts your property and debts.

Lawyer up, get clear-eyed about the situation and fight for your kid.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Yes, you can stop her from leaving with the child. File for divorce and custody...and if need be a restraining order (to restrain her from leaving the county / state) if you have evidence she will take the child and run.

What you're not considering here when factoring in your "dream job" and wanting to stay in California is the financial aspect. If she stays in California (or wherever all of you end up), there will be alimony, regardless of who ultimately obtains custody. And unless she is truly an unfit mother, you will not get full custody. Not when she was a stay at home mom, and you can't prove her unfit (an affair and being a bad wife does not make her an unfit mother in the eyes of the court). You can work towards and hope for 50/50 joint custody. In that case, you will still owe child support for the time she has the child since you'll obviously be making more than her. 

So, you've got alimony and child support. Kiss goodbye to a very large chunk of your check. California is one of the worst states for child support costs. Does that "dream job" still feel so perfect when you're net take home is impacted to such a great deal by alimony and support, and you're scraping by just to make it?

If you like Idaho, and she "needs" to go back because there are no options for her here, consider going back as well.

Or, you could consider a long distance custody arrangement. I did this. I got awarded 50/50 physical custody until he started school, at which time "primary physical custody" went to her (I always retained 50/50 legal custody), and I had him summers and all major holidays (as well as the option to visit him whenever I wanted). She was half way across the country. Did it suck? Yes and no. It was always tough to say goodbye. When the boy was younger, there were lots of tears and confusion for him. I explained things the best I could...that this was better than mom and dad not being happy together and having an unhappy home, and was better than if I just walked out of his life for good to allow him to avoid the somewhat frequent relocations and upheaval in his life. 

It was always tough not being there day to day, and wondering how he was, how she was parenting him, etc. And we missed each other a great deal. But it gets easier with a little "experience" and time. 

The "good" of it was that when he was here, it was such quality time. I planned my vacations around it. I was completely dedicated to him while he was here (refusing to even go out on dates). 

He turned into a fine, very well adjusted young man, and we have an incredible bond and relationship. But that took work as well to put hers and my differences aside (oftentimes being the "better person" and eating miles of her crap and taking it) to be effective parents together, even while separated. 

I'm here to tell you that you CAN be an effective father, very involved, and a real force in your child's life despite the distance... If you dedicate yourself to it and work for it.

You're going to have to make a decision...California or Idaho. You can't have that one both ways. 

I can tell you this; Now that he is grown, and has settled half the country away where he went to school with his mom, that it seems almost harder now, because the visits are fewer and far between due to college, his work, etc. He's 23. It sucks to not have him around more often now because the times he is here are shorter than they were before he went out on his own. When you chose between California and Idaho, don't discount how the arrangement will ultimately wind up 15 years from now and she's grown. If you want to be in Idaho later in life, perhaps now is the time to make the move if you don't want your daughter in California when it is time to move back home.


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

This post was great. Thank you very much. This really helped a lot!!


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## freeride376 (May 13, 2015)

donny64 said:


> Yes, you can stop her from leaving with the child. File for divorce and custody...and if need be a restraining order (to restrain her from leaving the county / state) if you have evidence she will take the child and run.
> 
> What you're not considering here when factoring in your "dream job" and wanting to stay in California is the financial aspect. If she stays in California (or wherever all of you end up), there will be alimony, regardless of who ultimately obtains custody. And unless she is truly an unfit mother, you will not get full custody. Not when she was a stay at home mom, and you can't prove her unfit (an affair and being a bad wife does not make her an unfit mother in the eyes of the court). You can work towards and hope for 50/50 joint custody. In that case, you will still owe child support for the time she has the child since you'll obviously be making more than her.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for this post. This helped alot. A lot of very good things to consider. Thank you thank you!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Yeah Idaho has gotten better and at 4 years old infidelity may come into play. Idaho is a fault no fault state depending on the age of the child (yeah I divorced in Idaho with a 6 month old son) if the child was an infant only about 1% chance you would get the kid.

Another downfall about Idaho the child services her is the laughing stock of the nation. No joke a friend divorced his wife her boyfriend threw their 4 year old across the room one of her friends called cps. Cps called the wife and said hey be careful who you have around they are telling us what is going on in you house. Or they call 3 days before a surprise inspection to tell them they are coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Cough ten years to perm alimony. Cough.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I, f it hasn't been said and it hasn't happened, get the best referral you can for divorce lawyer and get time for a consult so you know the lay of the land on custody, finances, asset splits and so on. It will ease a lot of the anxiety not to worry about the unknown. May even show you a way you want to go. At the very least, you will have a better idea of what to expect and what is and is not BS. Often there is a lot of BS in this process. Better to know it for what it is when you see it.


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