# Texting



## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

Let me first start out by saying that I have been with my wife for 16 years. Two children, and she is a great mom. However, things have been less than desirable intimately for quite some time. I am normally not a very emotional person, but I have been shown little affection for a while. 

The other day I saw on her phone that she text one of her male co workers "I know you had a long day, just checking on you" with a wink emoji after it. This was before work and was at a time that she normally will not even talk to me because she is too frantic in the morning. I also saw a text (same person) that said that he left his coffee cup in her car. She told me that a few friends went to a work function together. She is very upfront and says that she has no interest in any man but me. 

The fact that I have no affection towards me and she is thinking of another man in the morning before work bothers me..

Any ideas ? Advice?

Thanks


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

don't talk to her about stuff, but you need to monitor what is going on. Look at the phone bill, is she texting this guy multiple times per day? Is she frequently on GNOs or out for drinks with co-workers? Look for other red flags. Consider putting a VAR in her car. 

calling @GusPolinski


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get this book. NOW.

https://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In my opinion, now that I'm married (or if you're in a relationship with someone, etc), there's no need for me to text with male coworkers after work. There's just really no need. Occasionally I'll text my boss if I'm running late, or he will text a team text if he's planning an office lunch, etc. But, there is no need to have one on one texts with coworkers (of the opposite sex) after hours - ''checking up on them.'' Not to say she is about to cheat on you, that's a stretch...but affairs don't start over night. It's usually a slow fade, and then the betrayed spouse is like...how did this happen?

How to get that across to her without sounding controlling, hmmm...that I'm not sure of.  Maybe someone can help with that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jackson11 said:


> Let me first start out by saying that I have been with my wife for 16 years. Two children, and she is a great mom. However, things have been less than desirable intimately for quite some time. I am normally not a very emotional person, but I have been shown little affection for a while.
> 
> The other day I saw on her phone that she text one of her male co workers "I know you had a long day, just checking on you" with a wink emoji after it. This was before work and was at a time that she normally will not even talk to me because she is too frantic in the morning. I also saw a text (same person) that said that he left his coffee cup in her car. She told me that a few friends went to a work function together. She is very upfront and says that she has no interest in any man but me.
> 
> ...


First, stay calm and stop asking any questions that might alert her to your suspicions.

Next, get your hands on the phone bill.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my husband seriously thought I was being controlling by refusing to not say anything if he's sending cute little texts to female co workers, he wouldn't be my husband for very freaking long.

In this case, though, I think further snooping is in order before saying anything. She might be on the brink of the slippery slope or she might have slipped over the edge a while ago and this is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I agree, no more questions about it. You need to be monitoring her activity. If you make her suspicious she will be less likely to make mistakes.


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

The problem with monitoring is that she has a work cell ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jackson11 said:


> The problem with monitoring is that she has a work cell ...


VAR in the car is gonna be the way to go.


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

When I asked her, she was very upset and was convincing that she had not done anything and that she didnt think this was wrong at the time.. I think that I am upset because I have no attention from her, and she obviously has someone on her mind..
I know that I am OCD and can make a mountain out of a mole hill.. But this is just something that cant go away


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

What is a VAR


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

To top this all off... I have NO social media and neither does she because we both agree that we are asking for arguments and drama.. So she knows how I feel


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

infidelity is like cockroaches.....once you spot the first one, its probably too late and you already are infected.

as everyone else here is pointing out.....keep your mouth shut and your other senses wide open. 

sorry you are here. but more than likely this little text you spotted is the tip of the iceburg. the distance you described in your relationship speak volumes.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Red flags everywhere. Don't ignore them. Go into investigator's mode. Do what others have said, but add to that list VAR under her driver's seat, since car is being used for being with OM.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

VAR: Voice Activated Recorder.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Two things: No affection to you and an affectionate text to a coworker means she is most likely in an emotional affair at the very least. If she drops an "I love you, but I am not in love with you" on you then you can rest assured she is having an affair.

PART 1

You must be a detective here and not show your cards. Do nothing more to let on that you suspect she is in an affair.

1) Put a VAR in her car and in places where she goes in the house for privacy and would most likely have private phone conversations, most likely under your bed. 

2) I would put a gps in her car so you can track her whereabouts. You need to know where she is 24/7.

3) If you can afford it, you might consider hiring a private eye to help you snoop.

4) If you can put spyware on her computer that would help. Too bad she as a work phone as that is the most likely place she is carrying on conversations with the other man.


Once you are able to confirm that she having an affair (though the evidence already suggests that she is), we will tell you next next steps.

PART 2
In the event that she is not already entrenched in an affair, you need to rebuild your relationship with your wife. Start making plans to meet her intimate needs. Put dates on the calendar. Plan a vacation together (without kids), and calendar weekend get-aways. Bottom line is you need to spend gobs of quality time together without distractions. Rekindle the romance.

Make yourself look attractive. Work out, press your slacks, polish your shoes, and do you things around the house to make it a pleasant environment. In other words, begin courtship with her anew!

Finally, identity what her most important emotional needs are, and find ways to meet them. I suggest going to the Marriagebuilders website and downloading the emotional needs questionnaire. Take it with your wife together. I would share a link to it, but my post count isn't high enough here so I wasn't able to. 

FINALLY
If Part 1 confirms that she is in an affair, nothing you do in Part 2 will make much of a difference at first. Her addiction to the other man will overpower your efforts. Your task will shift to first breaking up the affair by exposing it and then working on Part 2.

Lastly, and this is very important: You must be strategic and action oriented. Now is not the time to avoid conflict and be passive. Time is of the essence.
So very sorry you are in this position. Best of luck to you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Most importantly don't say ANYTHING more about this to her. She'll just go dark and you'll never get anymore evidence from her. You have to play your own private detective now. Definitely get a VAR and attach it in her car under the drivers seat. This will allow you to hear what's going on in her car. Also, continue monitoring all texts and e-mails whenever you can. She's definitely up to no good here, you just have to find out what and with who.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jackson11 said:


> When I asked her, she was very upset and was convincing that she had not done anything and that she didnt think this was wrong at the time.


What else would she have done?? Told you that yes, she was emotionally involved with the guy? This is exactly why confronting with no evidence NEVER gets you ANYWHERE.


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

Thanks for the responses.. Everything is kind of what I have been telling myself.

I appreciate it


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Jackson11 said:


> When I asked her, she was very upset and was convincing that she had not done anything and that she didnt think this was wrong at the time..


In her mind she's convinced she's doing nothing wrong, so expect these kinds of statements to get more absurd:

"It was just happy hour. You're overreacting!"
"It was just an after work dinner. You're overreacting!"
"It was just using a motel room to discuss work. You're overreacting!"
"It was just lying under the covers to stay warm. You're overreacting!"


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Jackson11 said:


> Thanks for the responses.. Everything is kind of what I have been telling myself.
> 
> I appreciate it


So what are your next steps?


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

wilson said:


> In her mind she's convinced she's doing nothing wrong, so expect these kinds of statements to get more absurd:
> 
> "It was just happy hour. You're overreacting!"
> "It was just an after work dinner. You're overreacting!"
> ...


And I would add this: Getting angry and defensive and then shifting the blame to the betrayed spouse is all part of the wayward spouse's script. It's a tell tale sign that an affair is underway.


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

I have no idea.. She has no late nights, no real places or times that throw up a red flag.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Jackson11 said:


> I have no idea.. She has no late nights, no real places or times that throw up a red flag.


Well, time is of essence, Jackson. You need a plan and you need to get cracking...Did you read my suggestions for an action plan?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Who's this coworker? Married? Has girlfriend? Boss? Older? Younger? Does he work same hours as your wife? Do they work in a closed office? 

We're there any more texts other than the one you read?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok I'm going to ask you to tap the brakes a bit. If you are OCD, that can take a big toll on a family. I'm sure you're aware of that. So it depends on whether you're able to control it and if she feels trapped, pressured, etc by it

She may need someone else to vent to, so it would be good if she had girl friends. Does she? If not, and she shares her feelings with a man, she'll likely grow attached. That's how EA's and PA's start - innocent

So make sure your investigating isn't pushing her away more if it's driven by your OCD. If that's a problem and she doesn't have girlfriends, encourage her to find other married women to hang out with (make sure they're friends of the marriage).

Mindful of those caveats, the other advice might make sense too


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Jackson11 said:


> I have no idea.. She has no late nights, no real places or times that throw up a red flag.


That's because they are at work together. She's where you expect her to be. How very convenient.

VAR in her car, where you already know he has spent time.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Jackson11 said:


> When I asked her, she was very upset and was convincing that she had not done anything and that she didnt think this was wrong at the time.. I think that I am upset because I have no attention from her, and she obviously has someone on her mind..
> I know that I am OCD and can make a mountain out of a mole hill.. But this is just something that cant go away


Even if you have OCD, that doesn't mean every concern you have is overblown. Your wife has not been affectionate with you and she is giving her attention to another man. That is a problem. When you mention it's a problem, she turns it around on you as if you are the one doing something wrong by telling her about your concerns. 

Marriage is about unity and love. There is no unity and no love in the above scenario. Whatever is going on with your wife is a symptom of not having unity and love as king in your marriage. That needs to be resolved or things will only get worse.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jackson11 said:


> When I asked her, she was very upset and was convincing that she had not done anything and that she didnt think this was wrong at the time.. I think that I am upset because I have no attention from her, and she obviously has someone on her mind..
> I know that I am OCD and can make a mountain out of a mole hill.. But this is just something that cant go away


BS. Wake up


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Be careful with all the investigative work. If you don't find anything after about a week, stop. I found my wife texting with other men twice. The first one I confronted her too soon and couldn't get any evidence of anything, and really didn't look into it much because I saw and knew it stopped. The second time I launched a full blown investigation, gps, VAR's, cell records, hidden cameras, the absolute works. Yes I found some questionable things and I found her to be lying to me about some things, but I never found any real evidence of an affair. The lies she told me were more of a test to see if I was spying on her, and the other questionable things I found really didn't amount to anything.

All the investigating, snooping and spying did was drive me completely insane and cause me to lose myself and who I was. If a spouse is going to cheat or have an inappropriate relationship, they're going to do it regardless of what you find or say. Keep your eyes and ears open to things that go on but don't go crazy. If nothing is actually going on it's only going to hurt you and your marriage more.


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## Jackson11 (Jul 26, 2017)

I will follow you guys advice. Thanks I appreciate the time and input


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The VAR thing. The recorder is sold at bestbuy Walmart etc. Get the Sony model that costs about sixty dollars. Get heavy duty Velcro and stick it under the drivers seat. Test it out in your vehicle first to make sure it is working correctly and doesn't making any warning beeps. You can cut off an earphone plug and put in the speaker outlet as some suggest. Another VAR in a location at home where she might talk helps too.
Other red flags. New underwear you haven't seen, new attention to her looks, weight loss, personal (shaving) grooming, etc. Man re attachment to the phone. 

How did you see her texts? Does she let you see and use her phone anytime. Do you know her passwords? Does she use a computer or tablet?
Search for the evidence gathering thread by Weightlifter.

When did her attention start lapsing for you? Have you asked her about it? If not do not ask now.
If she has a boyfriend you do not want to do anything to alarm her as workplace affairs can be almost impossible to catch. Not going out at odd times is good but workplace affairs can and often do take place during work hours. Did she explain why he was in her car? Do not ask about it now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You say nothing is going on and you may in a sense be correct however....

Especially if the OM in question is a serial cheater there is a sequence and a method at work here.

Talking at work.

Paying complements at work.

next add texting about work

next add texting about harmless personal business

next add talking and texting about their respective spouses

next meet outside of work to talk about things

next innocent touching 

next.....full on affair

This is just a suggested sequence, but the core idea is that the inappropriateness keeps increasing as time goes on, until it's an affair. If the OM is a serial cheater he may be doing this with other women besides your W playing the odds that one will pan out, or he may be wise enough to put the relationship on hold if he figures out that you know something. 

Lay low and snoop and never reveal your methods or sources of info.

Tamat


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