# I'm obsessed with my husband



## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

I have been with my husband since I was 13...I am now 33. We married right out of high school. I am completely obsessed with him. I think about him all day and want his attention all the time. I don't think the way that I feel is healthy sometimes. I'm not clingy, I give him his space but it's with hesitation and I have to psych myself not to seem needy. I hate feeling like this...I just wish I could get over it!! If I have to call him during the day regarding something with kids or the house, or make up an excuse to call, I get excited. When he comes home from work, I'm so happy to see him walk through the door, my heart skips a beat...But if this makes sense, it's not in a new love kinda way, it's obsessive almost. I get sad if he has to go somewhere. As I type this I realize how crazy this sounds, lol. He has kinda grown comfortable with it and doesn't seem to mind. Sex life is awesome but the communication is so so (I do most of the talking)...unless something important is going on. (that could be just being together for so long though) I don't know. I just don't like feeling needy and clingy, I want to change this and have thought of counseling but he's anti-therapy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why not start with something simple, like developing a few hobbies? Start building your interests in things other than him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I don’t know what to say. I have never been the recipient of such admiration. Your husband is a lucky man.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Or you could go to counseling on your own. But I reccommend a hobby too. If your H doesn't mind the attention, why does it bother you?


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Yup. I'm like this with my girlfriend and it annoys her so I also have to chill out. The weird thing is I was plenty happy without her and still enjoy plenty of things without her, but I would prefer to do stuff WITH her.

So what I try to remember is that hey, while its fun to do X with her, I really enjoy Y without her, so why think about X, when I can just do Y. Give her some space and do my own thing, so she will enjoy X too. 

Don't have any advice other than its good you recognize your problem and you just have to work on being happy doing your own things. And don't think about hey I'm not seeing him so I'm sad, but that hey, I'll see him next time and that will be fun, but what I'm doing now is fun too.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't see a problem, at all.

Just more validation of the love for your husband if anything.

All of the feelings you have are similar to what me and my wife have for each other. 

Don't think of it as a negative or a weakness, think of it as a strength.

Think about the alternative, if you were on the opposite side of things....that would WAY worse.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> I want to change this and have thought of counseling but he's anti-therapy.


He doesnt get to say anything about YOUR self maintanence.

You may have a touch of obsessive about you but thats most likely due to a deeper fear of being alone. Possibly attachment issues.
Are you good with being alone?

Most therapists will tell you to go the hobby route. 
The key thing here is that you have identified you dont like feeling this way.

Now all you have to do is figure out why.
Therapy is great for this.


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## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

Thanks everyone. I actually do have hobbies that I do while I'm alone. I paint and read and scrapbook...spend a lot of time with my children mostly. My hobbies are usually done after the kids go to bed. And it's weird, but just like Devotion said...I enjoy being alone, I enjoy that quiet time.... but I still miss him and obsess...it just feels unbalanced. I will work on my feelings


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't think you should work on your feelings. They are completely normal and healthy.

:scratchhead:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The Boundaries book might be a good read. It is important to know where he ends and you begin. Being together so long, especially so young, probably helps in that her knows you so well, but it is never too late to gain a little more relational balance.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Marriage/relationship is about companionship.

Why get away from that? OP already stated that she does things on her own.

Her feelings are completely normal/natural.

there is no problem, but there CAN be one if we create it. Let's NOT create it please.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I would feel so smothered if my partner was obsessed with me like that. I'd feel responsible for entertaining him and would feel like he was dependent and clingy, and I'd feel guilty when I would be away and doing things on my own, like taking a dance class or traveling for work. Eventually, I'd lose some respect for him for not being able to deal without me there., and I'd get upset that I wasn't allowed any alone time of my own.

Obviously your husband doesn't quite feel that way, so you are lucky. If you think it's too much, and you seem to since you clearly labeled it as an obsession and unhealthy, there is no reason why you can't go to therapy on your own. I don't see this as something marriage counseling would help; it's an individual counseling issue.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

take a night course, start writing a book, go on a long road trip with NB2WHEELS.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How long have you FELT this way... as you describe "obsessive".. is this a new thing or you've felt like this nearly since you were 13 ??

I've been with my H since I was 15.. I probably did have some abandonment issues since my Mother took off on me when I was 10.. when we met...most of our friends took a hit... it then became about US....but neither of us had a problem with that... it just flowed... 

If your husband doesn't mind.. that's a PLUS..you & he are a good match that enjoys the closeness/ validation/ togetherness... (far too many have issues here, where one feels smothered or ignored !)...

But still...if YOU FEEL it is "TOO MUCH"...and you want to be more relaxed in this..so it doesn't feel like an "anxiety of need".... you need to listen to this voice.. 

Do you have some girlfriends to hang out with , talk to during the day?... If your children are smaller, you could join a local Mops group.... (Mothers of Pre-schoolers) to open up some new activities in your life.. Like others are saying.. just finding a new hobby / enjoyment you are passionate about can help you focus in another area , even toning this down some..


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## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

I do have things to do during the day, my plate is actually full with our 4 kids, football games, play dates and all that stuff. I have friends and we all get along. I don't sit at home and sit in a chair freaking out and just wait on him to come home lol....my original statement may have made readers picture me like that...I am preoccupied and very busy, he's just obsessively on my mind all day. I just want to cut those strings a bit, that's all. This may very well stem from abandonment issues as my dad left when I was 9 and we never saw him. My husband has been the male constant in my life for so long. I appreicate everyone's input and may look into some personal therapy for myself. Take care everyone


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Relationship addiction is a hallmark of ACOA Adult Children of Alcoholics (or other parental types that were not emotionally available - aka dysfunctional, abusive, etc)

Codependency No More would be a good book for you

http://www.abandonment.net/ would also be a good resource for you


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you arent annoying him with clingy i fail to see the downside.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think she just desires to be a bit more balanced. 

I too have struggled with it and its actually painful for her.


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## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm obsessed with my husband*



cupcake33 said:


> I have been with my husband since I was 13...I am now 33. We married right out of high school. I am completely obsessed with him. I think about him all day and want his attention all the time. I don't think the way that I feel is healthy sometimes. I'm not clingy, I give him his space but it's with hesitation and I have to psych myself not to seem needy. I hate feeling like this...I just wish I could get over it!! If I have to call him during the day regarding something with kids or the house, or make up an excuse to call, I get excited. When he comes home from work, I'm so happy to see him walk through the door, my heart skips a beat...But if this makes sense, it's not in a new love kinda way, it's obsessive almost. I get sad if he has to go somewhere. As I type this I realize how crazy this sounds, lol. He has kinda grown comfortable with it and doesn't seem to mind. Sex life is awesome but the communication is so so (I do most of the talking)...unless something important is going on. (that could be just being together for so long though) I don't know. I just don't like feeling needy and clingy, I want to change this and have thought of counseling but he's anti-therapy.


Wow, if only my wife could be like u, i would be happy happy happy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cupcake33 said:


> I do have things to do during the day, my plate is actually full with our 4 kids, football games, play dates and all that stuff. I have friends and we all get along. I don't sit at home and sit in a chair freaking out and just wait on him to come home lol....my original statement may have made readers picture me like that...I am preoccupied and very busy, he's just obsessively on my mind all day. I just want to cut those strings a bit, that's all. This may very well stem from abandonment issues as my dad left when I was 9 and we never saw him. My husband has been the male constant in my life for so long. I appreicate everyone's input and may look into some personal therapy for myself. Take care everyone


So you have a lot going on in your life besides your husband. That sounds healthy.

Just so that we get an idea of the balance in your life, about how many hours a week do you spend with your husband and not all these other activities?


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## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

Yes, Blossom, you are so right. My dad was a drug addict my whole childhood and through my 20's. Thank you for the references


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## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

Elegirl, I would say approximately 1-2 hours a night, if that. That's pushing it. He works 7am to 5-6. On the weekends, probably 4-5 hours on Sunday...but weekends are rarely one on one time. Especially since the NFL just started. :/ My sons play football all Saturday too. We try to do a date night once a month though.


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## cupcake33 (Oct 3, 2014)

I didn't know of ACOA, intheroy or blossom, thank you so much! I am going to start some research and see where to go from there! I appreciate everything!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cupcake33 said:


> Elegirl, I would say approximately 1-2 hours a night, if that. That's pushing it. He works 7am to 5-6. On the weekends, probably 4-5 hours on Sunday...but weekends are rarely one on one time. Especially since the NFL just started. :/ My sons play football all Saturday too. We try to do a date night once a month though.


There's a guy who calls himself a marriage coach, Dr. Harley. He says that he's found that a couple has to spend about at least 15 hours a week together in order to maintain the passion in their marriage. That's 15 hours with just the couple, no kids, no friends.

So you are getting 5-10 hours a week one-on-one. You two do not date on a regular basis.

This I why I asked the question. The way your are feeling might stem not from being overly clingy but from a very big lack of intimacy/time-together I your marriage. 

A good analogy is food. When we are well fed we are seldom hungry. But feed a person one small meal 5 days a week and nothing on the weekends and this person is going to be famished and craving food.. all the time.

You are not unusually clingy, you are missing quality time with your husband.

I highly suggest that you read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. After you read it talk to your husband. See if he will read it too and work with you to fill up your need for non-sexual intimacy.. that means spending quality time together.. just the two of you.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> There's a guy who calls himself a marriage coach, Dr. Harley. He says that he's found that a couple has to spend about at least 15 hours a week together in order to maintain the passion in their marriage. That's 15 hours with just the couple, no kids, no friends.
> 
> So you are getting 5-10 hours a week one-on-one. You two do not date on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Such good advice. I totally agree with EleGirl. Also, I don't think these feelings are unhealthy. I think you just love your husband. And I agree that you need to spend more time together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not sure the 15 hours together is the answer to everything. I easily spend 15 hours a week with my wife these days - cycling mostly but also work around the house or talking about each other's work etc - and it's not quality time when one look at the other's rear end for 30 miles a stretch, or when I'm fixing the animations in her PowerPoint slides or when she explains the finer points of multi variate analysis to me...


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## 20yrsofmarriage (Sep 29, 2014)

Nothing obsessive about you thinking about him all day, that just means the passion is there. The only problem is if you call him every time you think about him as I'm sure it's distracting and disruptive while he's at work. You kinda describe me in our first 7 yrs of marriage. I wanted him home all the time when he wasn't at work, and I'd get jealous if he wanted to hang out with friends. Mainly bc I felt like I never got a break from my kids.


Now it's almost role reversal and I hang out with friends while he's home sometimes. I also used to get jealous when he was on the computer all the time, mainly playing games. Now he's rarely on the computer, and I'm on my phone or iPad a lot. I'm much more independent and I never want to go back to being that clingy. I will say, I wish I was as excited as you when my hubby came home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> I'm not sure the 15 hours together is the answer to everything. I easily spend 15 hours a week with my wife these days - cycling mostly but also work around the house or talking about each other's work etc - and it's not quality time when one look at the other's rear end for 30 miles a stretch, or when I'm fixing the animations in her PowerPoint slides or when she explains the finer points of multi variate analysis to me...


I'm not sure you understood my post at all.

I was talking about quality time. Not just spending 15 hours in close proximity, in the same room or cycling looking at the other's rear end for 30 miles.

That's why I suggesting reading the book, because the book explains that it's about quality time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I did understand the premise quite well. 

Unfortunately, 15 hours is a bit over 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, and given the realities of demands placed on most people by life, I find it rather difficult to believe that it takes 2 hours a day of "quality time" to sustain a marriage. 

So, I would like to turn around the argument on its head and theorize that the premise confuses cause and effect. In other words, those who have 15 hours a week to "spend quality time" with their significant other are already more likely to have a "happy marriage" be it due to simple life, lower expectations, independent wealth, lower stress, or one of many other factors really unrelated to the time spent together so... Or it could be a bit of the case where those who report "putting the effort" are more likely to self-assess better results regardless....

I guess if you have the time and energy, spending time with your loved one is great. If not, you have a problem regardless.


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## Tentative (Oct 5, 2014)

Just make sure you have friends and interests outside your relationship so that if you get disillusioned with him at times you have something else to occupy you. Don't want you to feel like you life is empty if he's not around, but kudos on a very long and enduring relationship!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I could have written this, OP. I almost wondered if I don't sleepwalk and did it, lol. So close is the resemblance of our feelings. I too am "obsessed" with my H, a little too much, it starts to feel unhealthy to be so in love. I have nothing to add, just know that you are not alone. And there is nothing strange about a woman so crazy about her man. I thank all who gave wise unbiased perspective on this thread and on mine.
Time for some self work, I daresay.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Nice to see ladies with real feelings for her man. Seems missing these days. Your H is very lucky. 

Cherish, love and care for him. Focus your energy on supporting his growing success. Be his rock for his success and challenges he faces. You'll soon discover you are the enabler in his life. That is powerful. Enjoy him, family and your life together!


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

I am in the same boat. I thought I was an anomaly for being so obsessed after 15 years. I am hopelessly devoted. I used to worry about how attached I am to him, but he enjoys it. And like you said, the sex is fantastic.

I quit worrying about. We are both very happy together, so who cares? Besides, it is always the couples with tons of individual interests that have problems, anyway. And it seems to satisfy something in the male ego.

I know his devotion to me speaks to something in my ego...:smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

CluelessWif said:


> I am in the same boat. I thought I was an anomaly for being so obsessed after 15 years. I am hopelessly devoted. I used to worry about how attached I am to him, but he enjoys it. And like you said, the sex is fantastic.
> 
> I quit worrying about. We are both very happy together, so who cares? Besides, it is always the couples with tons of individual interests that have problems, anyway. And it seems to satisfy something in the male ego.
> 
> I know his devotion to me speaks to something in my ego...:smthumbup:


Agreed

When it comes to either extreme, I will take my chances with "spending too much time with my wife" over "spending too much time without her".

TO ME, 2nd is WAY more dangerous.

1st is appealing and preferred....any day of the week, and twice on sunday.

2nd is also very unappealing to me. Pick anything, and I would prefer to do it with my wife > anyone else.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's a big difference between "spending time with XYZ" versus "obsessing over XYZ".

A marriage is a relationship between two people who hopefully have other passions and interests rather than significantly focusing on / obsessing over the other person.

Substitute "activity XYZ" or "non partner XYZ" in op's original post and see if it reads the same.

Focus on yourself first then on others. Not in a selfish way but in a way that fulfills you. Then focus on others, whoever they may be.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

dormant said:


> I don’t know what to say. I have never been the recipient of such admiration. Your husband is a lucky man.


I have and it's not as nice as it sounds. I had a relationship end over it. I can't stand to be smoothered like that and the more clingy she got the more I backed off and it became a vicious cycle. If she just played it cool like OP does we'd still be together. I cared about her alot but she couldn't ever seem to get enough attention. It was a bottomless pit of obsession and I got tired of being used as an emotional tampon.

I'm all for mutual affection but I don't want to be the sole source of anyone's happiness. It's not healthy at all and no one can live up to being put on that kind of pedistal. I'm already happy whether I'm alone or not. I just want another already happy person to spend time with.

I think the OP is okay because she is fully aware of how she is and she does her best to control it. To the satisfaction of her husband it seems, so all is good. Therapy isn't a bad suggestion either to give your mind more "balance" as you said OP.


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