# Started IC today, she's gotta go



## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Now separated for just over a month. I started IC today and the first session has taught me just how toxic my WW is to me. I am now at the point where being friends is just not possible. Knowing there is an OM in the picture makes it too tough to be around her. Feeling like some kind of second choice is not for me. I guess we can talk for the sake of the kids, but other than that it's a hard 180. 

So for those of you going through the separation phase of this my question to you is this:

How tough is it for you to totally disengage emotionally from your STBXW(H)?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It was really easy to disengage from the toxic RELATIONSHIP. If I had tried to focus only on disengaging from my then-husband, it would have been very difficult, because he had ways of hooking me in geared specifically to my needs...ouch. But when I put it in the perspective of deciding not to be part of a toxic relationship it was pretty d*mn easy. Way easy. I know it's not healthy for me, and I want to do right by myself. Taking the individual out of the equation and looking at the bigger picture of the relationship choice made all the difference in the world. You can then choose to have a parenting relationship instead. Makes no difference as to person, you are focused on the relationship of parenting and dedicated to that, so it makes putting up with the same old same old much easier, because as you know, after divorce, they still don't change they are the same person...so define the new relationship, the parenting one, as to how it will work for you and the child/ren.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

got to say its been harder for me but im a fixer and have a hard time seeing him struggle or have to deal with the consequences of his choices. i tend to do really well for a while then start slowly engaging with him more than just kid/buisness, which is what gets me in trouble. some people here disengage easily others its takes a long time. my best advise is keep your 180 strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

I have the same problem. I am a fixer as well and have a strong desire to shield her from her consequences. I know I have to let go and let her live her life without me. I was the bread winner for years and she has nothing financially but she chose to walk away. I cannot fix her problems. I have to let her go so she can fully feel the consequences of her choices. Tough to do, but must be done. No more talking except for the kids, back to the full 180.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

good for you married, i hope you can stay strong. i too am the breadwinner and hes walking away with nothing. the hardest part is when because of his lack of money, his own fault, he talks of moving far away in with his mother which would not allow him to see our son more than once or twice a year. that one is really hard for me not to want to intervene. i hope your ww doesn't put you thru that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

She won't put me through that. She loves the kids too much. She tries to be a good mom. I do have to give her that. She does care about the kids but won't work on our relationship. Oh well, her loss.


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