# First couple months of being married, HELP



## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

Ok, so first of all I'd like to say that I am 19 and married, yes I got married young. Me and my husband new each other for two years, working together at the local grocery store then dated for another year before getting married, 

While we were dating and while we were friends everything was so great, we agreed on almost everything, when we should have kids, travel, our hobbies, everything seemed to match up pretty well! We moved in together shortly after I graduated and everything still seemed wonderful. We had our minor disagreements like doing laundry and housework and everything but for the most part our lives were still the same.. Now we are married and I have to say I absolutely love him and even when I first saw him when he began to work at the store i knew he was the one but all of a sudden it's like our future plans dont match up anymore. He is 21 and wants kids. I'm 19! I DO NOT want kids right now, I want to travel and get my education and just kind of revel in US without the added responsibility.. And while i have talked for the past 3 years about going to Italy someday and he agreed, all of a sudden he says he wont go with me because he is scared of planes, I understand the fear and i can deal with going with a family member bc its my dream and I dont want to give up that part of me but It's like he doesn't want to get out of the tiny town we live in and I do!
he seemed so open minded before marriage and now it's like anything I suggest is so over the top for him.. he knew i wanted to travel, he knew I wanted to go sky diving and rock climbing but now all he wants to do is just have a kid.. I'm not ready for that.

We have talked again and again about this, each time seeming to solve the issue but each time it gets brought up again. It's like our goals aren't lined up anymore and I want to share the experiences I have with him but he isn't interested... 
Also I have a guy friend who I have always been very close to who says he will go sky diving and rock climbing with me so I wont be alone and I am happy that I won't be alone in doing my dreams but its like now Im doubting everything and I feel like maybe I made a wrong decision bc my friend is willing to do all of theses things with me and It makes me feel like maybe I chose the wrong man.. when I look at him now I think about how much i love him but it's like there is a twinge of loathing behind it... Maybe it's because I know i cant share ALL aspects of my life with him like I thought I could.. I don't know. I would be greatful for any ideas or advice. I know the first year of marriage is the hardest and I thought maybe these feelings are normal at the beginning of a marriage..


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

First thing is first. The guy friend you are close to. Give it up. I know you may think I am wrong. But... Lust is the desire of things forbidden. I know, you have been great friends before marrying and nothing would ever happen. However, now all the things you want to do that your husband does not, you now are questioning if you married the right man. Find girl friends to do these things with. Not a man. 

Second. Both of you (you and husband) have a selfishness that neither is willing to give up on. I am not saying to give in, but figure a happy medium and go from there. My wife had a major problem with flying. It was no problem for me since I must travel overseas for work. I decided one day to book a trip to Atlantic City since she loves to play slot. I told her that it is only a 50 minute flight etc.. She did not want to do it. We went to her Dr. and they gave her something to calm her. Here is the funny part. It was a bumpy flight, and when we landed, I asked what did you think? She said that was not bad. I of coursed laughed. Anyway, I no longer travel without her. 
Try to start with baby steps with him. If it is rock climbing start with hiking. Then hike a trail that has some small hills that will have to be climbed. 
But I am sure it will not be hard to find mutual interests. 
I will tell you this. Selfishness is a tough thing to overcome in a marriage.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

pochael said:


> But I am sure it will not be hard to find mutual interests.
> I will tell you this. Selfishness is a tough thing to overcome in a marriage.


:iagree:

You struck the nail on the head IMO pochael. Sydni, the things you want to do are completely normal for a woman your age. The things your husband wants to do are also completely normal. 

You will find many times in marriage where both of your views don't line up and yall will have differing opinions and views. I married young as well I was 22 and my wife was 20. Just because you marry young does not necessarily doom a marriage (we will be celebrating our 11th year of marriage this summer). My wife and I had certain plans before we got married. Some were the same, but some differed. I wanted to continue school to get my PHd in Marine Biology and she wanted to continue in school to be a nurse. She wanted to travel, I wanted to stay home. I wanted to stay in the same city as our parents lived, she wanted to move away. She wanted a bunch of kids, I wanted two. But, life has a way of changing plans! I ended up getting a degree in Computers, she ended up becoming a teacher. We travel, but just once a year. We also ended up moving, but only a few hours away. We have 3 boys with 1 child on the way now! The one thing we had both agreed on was we wanted to wait till we were in our 30s to have kids. But, life sometimes has different plans and we ended up "accidentally" getting pregnant with our first after only 3 months of marriage. Neither of us sat and wrung our hands at why our plans went wrong. We changed our plans and adapted. 

You will both have to learn to compromise, compromise, compromise in your marriage. He may have to wait X years for a child, and you may have to modify your plans as well. You no longer have the right or ability to do anything you want. You gave that up once you became married. I know it's hard to adjust to, but you both became as one once you were married.

You both have to be willing to meet in the middle. It is unfair for one of you to give up everything and the other give up nothing.

And I agree also with Pochael, you should NOT do those things with your male friend. It may seem innocent, but it will generally always lead somewhere bad.

We have choices at how we handle lifes changes. We can be like reeds that will sway back and forth with the wind. We can also be like a solid tree that always fights against the wind. But, there may come a time when the wind is too strong to stand against. The tree will eventually snap and break under the pressure. The reed, because of it's flexibility and ability to move with the wind will still be there after the storm.


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

I understand what you both are saying and I'm willing to compromise but do you think its right that I should give up my dream to travel to Italy before having a child? I mean thats a dream I have and it's a part of who I am.... He says he hates that I am putting his dreams aside so that I can do my own dreams first but Its very hard to travel when you have a child... Its hard to find money and its hard to find a sitter that you can trust.. When I suggest we save up the money for Italy first then have a baby, then I go, (so that I KNOW we would have the money for it) He said he didn't want to be stuck here, being responsible for a baby all by himself... So it just seems logical to go now. He also wants a boat and a house (we both made a list of things we dont want to give up on as a married couple) and I dont mind making the boat the first thing on the list and saving up half the funds for a house before saving up for italy (we rent a nice place now) So I am trying to give us both what we want but He just seems so put off by me going to Italy... He had no problem with the idea while we were friends, while we were dating, or even when we were engaged.. one day (i was emotional from starting birth control) right before the wedding i started crying and asked him, we are never going to italy are we? and he comforted me and said yes we will, i promise... It feels like he is the one being selfish by acting so horrified at me going.. maybe im wrong though. Thats why Im asking for everyone's input, small or large. All of my other friends are unmarried and they agree with me but they also dont understand marriage responsibilities.. Nobody does until they are married.. and i still havent figured it out so I am all for the experience of others. 

Oh and btw, I agree about backing away a little from the friendship with my guy friend but is it wrong to still talk to him occasionally? He lives in another country now and I am seriously his best friend. My husband knows we talk alot and has met him a few times before he left, I asked him if he would like me to not talk to him as much but he said he isn't jealous of the friend (I do know what you mean about not staying to close to him though bc of problems that are bound to happen eventually though) but is it crossing the line to talk to him at least once or twice a week on messenger (I'm online everynight anyways for online courses) or to skype maybe once a month or once every other month or even once every 3 months (we dont skype hardly at all anymore anyways) Im trying to find the lines I need to not cross without giving up a friend. Im also trying to find a way for me and my husband to be happy without giving up my individuality. Its a hard adjustment especially when I had to give up my last name... and now im not sure if all my dreams will come through and lets just say its a little bit of an identity crisis going on...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are being smart. Do NOT have a child now. Get an education and a career going, do the travel you want to do. THEN start on a family. 

If you have children now, you will resent them, resent your H and end up resenting your life. Bad outcomes. 

As for your H, he simply needs to step up, get over his fears and be adventurous enough to keep up with you. 





Sydni said:


> I understand what you both are saying and I'm willing to compromise but do you think its right that I should give up my dream to travel to Italy before having a child? I mean thats a dream I have and it's a part of who I am.... He says he hates that I am putting his dreams aside so that I can do my own dreams first but Its very hard to travel when you have a child... Its hard to find money and its hard to find a sitter that you can trust.. When I suggest we save up the money for Italy first then have a baby, then I go, (so that I KNOW we would have the money for it) He said he didn't want to be stuck here, being responsible for a baby all by himself... So it just seems logical to go now. He also wants a boat and a house (we both made a list of things we dont want to give up on as a married couple) and I dont mind making the boat the first thing on the list and saving up half the funds for a house before saving up for italy (we rent a nice place now) So I am trying to give us both what we want but He just seems so put off by me going to Italy... He had no problem with the idea while we were friends, while we were dating, or even when we were engaged.. one day (i was emotional from starting birth control) right before the wedding i started crying and asked him, we are never going to italy are we? and he comforted me and said yes we will, i promise... It feels like he is the one being selfish by acting so horrified at me going.. maybe im wrong though. Thats why Im asking for everyone's input, small or large. All of my other friends are unmarried and they agree with me but they also dont understand marriage responsibilities.. Nobody does until they are married.. and i still havent figured it out so I am all for the experience of others.
> 
> Oh and btw, I agree about backing away a little from the friendship with my guy friend but is it wrong to still talk to him occasionally? He lives in another country now and I am seriously his best friend. My husband knows we talk alot and has met him a few times before he left, I asked him if he would like me to not talk to him as much but he said he isn't jealous of the friend (I do know what you mean about not staying to close to him though bc of problems that are bound to happen eventually though) but is it crossing the line to talk to him at least once or twice a week on messenger (I'm online everynight anyways for online courses) or to skype maybe once a month or once every other month or even once every 3 months (we dont skype hardly at all anymore anyways) Im trying to find the lines I need to not cross without giving up a friend. Im also trying to find a way for me and my husband to be happy without giving up my individuality. Its a hard adjustment especially when I had to give up my last name... and now im not sure if all my dreams will come through and lets just say its a little bit of an identity crisis going on...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sydni said:


> So I am trying to give us both what we want but He just seems so put off by me going to Italy... He had no problem with the idea while we were friends, while we were dating, or even when we were engaged.. one day (i was emotional from starting birth control) right before the wedding i started crying and asked him, we are never going to italy are we? and he comforted me and said yes we will, i promise...


 My feeling is this: If right before your wedding day & all of these other times this was agreed upon by the 2 of you - that he seriously, by his own admission gave you THIS promise, while in tears yet, because it means THAT much to you, he really should BE that man you married and stick by this. 

I also agree with MEM , if this does not happen, you may fall into some form of "resentment" , I hope your husband can understand & appreciate just how much this means TO YOU
- And keep his word. Then afterwards- because it makes the most logical sense - the boat, the children, whatever else you both agreed upon while dating & planning your future.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

I am sure that no one here is not saying not to have the friend. Just be careful when you discussions with him are having you question you marriage...

On the other. Did you guys go on a honeymoon? 

Maybe this would be a good excuse to go on one. As for having kids. If you are looking to save up for a trip, I am going to say on the financial end it may not be the best time to have any. I know many people do it with out having good reserves. That is what I did. And I will tell you. It is no fun. In fact, I think how much better things would have been without the stress. But on the good not, my wife and I are young enough to really enjoy life the way we want when they are gone. SO that was a good thing.


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## Sydni (May 1, 2010)

No, we never went on a honeymoon. But he will not go to Italy. He is scared of heights and of flying.. something he didnt reveal until lately when I start talking about putting all the plans we made into action.. I told him if he wants we can go to a water park or somewhere close enough to drive to (so he will feel comfortable-he doesnt like boats either, i checked bc I was thinking of us both going on a cruise) before i go to Italykind of as a belated honeymoon but he doesnt seem interested in any kinda of vacation until after we have kids and we can take them with us lol... thats why im at such a stand still about all of this.. I had no Idea he was so stuck to such a small town... I HATE this town lol, we both grew up here and its a retirement community so needless to say.. NOTHING to do... no theaters or bowling alleys or walmarts or anything fun, the closest place to do things is an hour away.. I Guess it just bothers me..


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I'd be bothered too if the guy I married turned out to be someone who lied to me during our whole dating and engagement period. You used the dating period like it should be utilized - a time to learn the other person and decide if they are right. But you were duped. Now that he has you where he apparently was trying to get you, he has not only revealed he truly doesn't have the things in common with you as he claimed, but he has also become demanding and inconsiderate.

I suggest you take a step back and give this some more time. Make a time limit for yourself, like 6 months, a year or whatever. The purpose is to use this time to objectively scrutinize your marriage/relationship. When the end of that time period is upon you, make a decision based on your careful analysis as to whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. I feel at this point, it is up to you decide for yourself, as opposed to being trapped in. I'm suggesting this because I hope you won't give in to him, at least not right away and not unless you truly want what he is asking and that you want it right now. Please don't allow him to pressure you. One reason is, you will find yourself always giving in to him. He will make sure of that, and you will grow to resent it. You will resent you placed your life/dreams on hold in order to always bend to his demands. There is no telling what will come next. How many years later will you look back and wonder where YOU went? Why YOUR dreams were placed on hold indefinitely if not forever? Yes, marriage is compromise, but according to what you are telling us, he does not want to compromise. He only insists on what he wants, and what on earth sense does that make? You are not a piece of property. You are not his baby-making machine. He never paid attention to who you are, so please don't lose yourself to his control. The marriage should make you happy, too.

Another reason is, there is no point in bringing a child forth out of pressure. That is just the wrong reason. You don't want to begin having children at this time, so don't do it just because he is insisting. The time I ask you to take is to get to know your husband all over again now that he has no reason to keep up the pretense. This is the guy you have to scrutinize. This is the guy you have to determine is right for you or wrong for you. If at the end of that time frame you decide you want out, you will become a single parent. Prevent that now as much as you can. If you think things will become more complicated by having a child, just try to imagine the complications multiplying exponentially as a single mother.

You are perfectly reasonable in your desire to accomplish your goals in making your dreams a reality, and you are reasonable in trying to strike a compromise for you both to accomplish your goals. I just see your fork in the road and that one very likely leads to resentment and regret. The only thing I suggest to make him see how unreasonable he is being is for you both to get marriage counseling. This being so early in your marriage, the counseling might help for years to come. For now though, he has to learn how to compromise also. Good luck.


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