# ADVICE Please!!



## Nicole Basa (Jul 9, 2018)

Hello Im 26 years old, Married, housewife and a mom of four their ages are 9,6,3,1 . I would like to get a lot of advice about what I am going through. My husband is financially stable. He provides everything in our family. But sometimes are budget doesn't fit to our daily expenses. I always wanted to work abroad but then he always try to stop me. I am tired being at home, I stop seeing my friends ever since I got pregnant, so I dont have anyone to talk to, I got a lot of stressed everyday. Sometimes I feel like giving up in our marriage, and I dont feel happy anymore. We always fight but we try to fix things. But the pain we are causing each other is getting more and more, when we fight he always tells me that i should not be acting like this like that because he provides everything for us and he always tells me that I am not helping him financially, Im tirerd of it, beacuse if he only let me work maybe i could help,:frown2::frown2::frown2::frown2:


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Providence is not all in all as far as well being of family members is. The fact that he provides for the family does not him to deny you a chance to work and lend a hand in financing the budget of the house. His action has led to feel hopeless; loosing friends and confining you in solitude,thus leaving a prison like life. Such life make you feel depressed.

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## jamiemf (Jul 10, 2018)

Sounds like a frank discussion is in order. If you're a stay at home mom, that's commendable. You're sacrificing for the well-being of your children. But you shouldn't have to sacrifice your own well-being in the process. I don't recommend up and leaving to work abroad, I don't think you'll find what you're looking for by leaving the situation. Instead I would look into some part time work from home opportunities to supplement the income, keep up with your mom duties and feel a sense of satisfaction and contribution. Be careful trying to "have it all", that doesn't exist. But you probably can do a little more if you want. And you definitely deserve some alone time as well as time with friends. Talk to your husband about what you need and want. Just don't frame it like he's not providing for your needs.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

One thing you can stop doing to help the budget is having any MORE kids.:surprise:

Why do you need to work 'abroad' if you're looking to work outside the home? Why does it have to abroad?

I don't get it.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Seems to me that with 4 children, the childcare bill would squash any beneficial income in this particular situation. 


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You said you could work abroad, such as Hong Kong? Does that mean leaving your husband and children behind while you do so? Won't the added expense of child care exceed the amount you could earn, since you'd also have your living expenses at your work location? Unless you've worked out the financial issues and see a significant positive benefit, AND have fully considered the impact on your relationship and children, then this is an unrealistic idea.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

You seem to want to go from one extreme to another. You're allowing your husband to tell you you can't work, which doesn't sound independant. Yet you want to go work abroad, which sounds very independant. How about meeting in the middle?

Is your husband preventing you from having friends during the day or when he works? This will greatly enrich your life and I bet you can do this right where you are. You need the support of others who are in a similar situation. Make friends and swap off watching the kids. Make friends and watch them together.

With kids that young, you are in it for a long time. You and your kids will most likely be better off with him supporting you financially. You should thank him for that. They don't need to see a helpless mom who's miserable. I can't imagine working will suddenly make you happy. It will only add to the complexity of your life.

I stayed home with the kids for 20 years. It's hard as hell. Honestly it's not easy making friends with other women. But I'm so glad that I had that time with my kids. It can be so lonely. It is terribly selfless. So maybe if it's that horrible for you, you should make a change. But, baby steps. Make a plan. Parttime job? More help from husband? Friends? Whatever it is you do?

4 kids is a ton of responsibility. One thing I used to do when things were rough was imagine that I was old and all my kids were grown and I'd gone back in time to that day. For that day I was given the chance to be with my young kids again. Time is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it now probably, but it goes quickly. The teenage years of my kids has not been easy to say the least. I would love just one day with kids the ages of yours. I know it wasn't easy, but there was so much to love about it.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Why did you have so many kids if you wanted to work abroad? Its almost at complete odds with each other. Kids tie you down and your dreams were to be free?


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> 4 kids is a ton of responsibility. One thing I used to do when things were rough was imagine that I was old and all my kids were grown and I'd gone back in time to that day. For that day I was given the chance to be with my young kids again. Time is fleeting. It doesn't feel like it now probably, but it goes quickly. The teenage years of my kids has not been easy to say the least. I would love just one day with kids the ages of yours. I know it wasn't easy, but there was so much to love about it.


This is good advice. I understand what you're feeling, with so many young ones (I only have 3, they're 7, 2 and 3.5 months). It can be very lonely and isolating, and the workload never lessens. But, I love this advice to imagine yourself with teenagers and even adult children - you'll probably miss this phase. I know I will!

Talk to your husband. Try to find a compromise so you can have a little window of time to feed your soul - whatever that looks like for you. You'll feel better and more able to manage where youre at. And the thought of giving it all up won't be so appealing. Good luck!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So what would happen to your kids if you went and worked "abroad"?

You choose to have kids thus you choose the commitment and sacrifice in raising them.


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

I have four children also, ages 8, 4, 3, and 1. I am 36 and work as a teacher but have summers and many days off. People treat me like I am crazy to work and have that many kids. I would love to be able to afford to stay home but financially we are better off with me working because I have great benefits like healthcare for the whole family. Actually it was a cause of resentment for me for years. After I started having children, I wished my husband would be willing to support me enough to stay home like other husbands but he insisted I keep working because it makes more sense financially. I have finally gotten to a place where I like my job enough that I am looking on the bright side. When I first started having children, I not only didn't get the opportunity to stay home as I wanted, I also had a job I hated. I was miserable about that! Nowadays though I am happy enough to have the time I do have with my kids. But I would probably still be pretty thankful if he were willing to agree for me to stay home.

What is interesting though, is that when I am home for the summers it is like culture shock. I have more time to worry about our relationship! Plus I feel much more lonely. When my husband gets home from work I want so much attention from him as well. 

You are really young to have so many children which might be why you lack friends. I would try to make friends with parents of young children. I would make that a priority really, because your husband might feel burdened by how much you demand in terms of adult attention. For me, during the school year I feel so busy I don't have time for friends, but then when summer hits I am like, "oh no! I have no friends!
' and I feel really lonely.

Being surrounded by little kids makes you feel ironically so lonely even though you have people climbing on you. You just need more adult interaction. Can you join some mom groups? Even just going to playgrounds and opening up and talking to other moms might give you an opportunity to meet other friends.

If you want to do some work, you have to be realistic. Working abroad makes no sense. Plus with childcare costs, the work you do must pay enough to even make it worth it. You might consider part time options as well. 

Even if you just get a hobby that might help you. 

I think having young children is hard, period, on even the best of relationships. But this part of your life is temporary and I keep telling myself that things will get better later when I am not stressed out constantly about things like spilled cereal and nonstop demands and cries.


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## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

Where will your kids be while you work? Definitely don’t have any more children!


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

OP, with your location, I assume you're a nurse or the like, considering going somewhere in the ME to work. If my guess is correct, please forget about this fantasy for now. Your husband is averse to you working in your present abode where you can still manage to be a wife and mum while working. Of course, he'd not agree to your wish which I believe is not a good idea anyway.


Try to work on your relationship with your husband and keep raising your kids. You can look into work from home jobs or part time as suggested in earlier posts.


If you force the decision on your unwilling husband, it may be the end of your marriage and you're very likely to be miserable without your kids, because they're so young.


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