# EA and my husband



## No longer Blind (Apr 5, 2013)

I need to get this out. D Day was Easter Sunday 2013. I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my husbands prescription and noticed a man walking around watching me. He finally approached me and asked “are you ____’s wife.” I answered yes and from that moment my life has not been the same. This man started by saying “I have something to tell you about my wife and your husband and you are not going to like it.” Well to make a long story short my husband has been in an EA with a co-worker. They both work third shift together. They started out as eating lunch together and going out for a coffee (please note lunch break is approximately 2 am in the morning). I was not aware of this “friendship” and had never heard of her before. 

The OW husband had suspicions and caught them in the parking lot together during a coffee break back two months ago. (I don’t now how this man knows this but he did say that his wife and my husband had not had SEX yet.) He threatened my husband and made a scene at their workplace. He told my husband that he would find me and make sure I knew what was going on. This man told me the date this occurred, his wife’s cell number and asked me to go home and check my phone bill and I could see everything I needed to. 

I did just that. I immediately went home praying all they way that this man was just crazy and was wrong. After looking at the bills I found the first call to each other was the last week of November and they have been talking daily since. On the phone with each other approximately 15 hours a month. The calls were first thing in the morning right after I left for work, again late afternoon after he woke up and before I got home. Also it appears some texting right before their dinner breaks in the early morning. 

After ready this message board I realize I did this the wrong way. I confronted my husband. It was the hardest thing I ever did. He looked at me in complete shock but did not deny it. I took his phone and of course the history was already deleted. I call the OW in front of him and told her to stay away from my husband. We have been married 20 years and have two children. My husband told me he was very sorry and that he was going to talk to me about “all this”. I want to believe him but I don’t know what to believe. I wish he had come clean about this before I found out. The closest he came to telling me on his own was that he requested to change his schedule to day shift (he made this request a month ago) and thank goodness this is his last week working nights. When he requested the shift change he told me he had worked third shift long enough and needed to be home with his family. He is now telling me it was a way to break away from the OW and he wants to make our marriage work. Mostly I believe this; however I want to be sure and am extra cautious. I hate this!! 

I have never been the jealous type; I never in a million years thought my husband would cheat on me. Now I am second guessing everything; questioning my husband regarding every detail of his day. 

I am not sleeping and fearful that my job could be affected. I have been able to do very little at work this week because of my emotional state. I have hid it well from people around me but I have to figure out a way to function normally. 
This is the reason I am coming here with my story. I have no one to talk with. I have only talked with my husband and the OW husband who let me in on the “secret.” I don’t want our family and friends to find out. I have seen people in our past who have shared this type of stuff with those around them and then are able to reconcile and move on; however the other’s in their lives never let it go. 

If you have gotten this far, Thank you and I hope you could make sense of my rambling. I hope my getting this out will help me mentally.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Nuke this EA. 












1) Expose far and wide.
If you do not expose far and wide then there will be no pressure for him to change his attitude, most especially around family and at work.

2) He needs a different job
He needs to get a new job ASAP or request a transfer to a different department AWAY from the OW.
If this does not happen you can count on their communication to continue and guarantee escalation.

3)Ask for transparency.
No cell passwords, no facebook, no secret email accounts, he needs to hand over all the passwords and you need to install a gps locating application on his phone.

4) NC (no contact) letter
He needs to hand write a no contact letter with you present that he will not further contact the OW and that she may not contact him or you. Send a certified copy with return receipt to the OW and to the OWH.

5) If none of these are met asap and he still believes they are ''just friends'' then you might as well file for D to REALLY give him a wake up call that you ARE NOT tolerating this.

6) Stand your ground, stay healthy, you'll lose weight, keep eating, sleep well by only thinking about this for an hour a day and leaving the rest of the thinking to the next day.


Don't rugsweep, there needs to be consequences and he must serve his time.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

No Longer Blind, sorry that you find yourself in this position and there are many people here who will offer you very good advice. What I would like you to know is that you are 50% responsible for your marriage and 0% responsible for your husbands affair and the decisions he has made. Stay strong.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

So, he is changing his shift but working for the same company as the OW? What's to stop the OW from changing her shift as well? Or when this all "blows over" (aka "rug sweeping") they continue, but go underground in order to not get caught? Does your H still have feelings for her, since it would be hard to believe that he suddenly just turned the switch off?

The problem here is that he didn't confess. He got caught. His response is that of a person who may regret getting caught then the actual deed itself. The worst thing to do is suffer in silence. Apparently the OW's H is no longer silent.

Time to nuke this thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry.

It's very unlikely he was going to tell you. He was hoping that the OW's husband wouldn't find you. Be grateful that happened.

If you choose to R be aware it's a long, hard road. The marriage you thought you had is gone. You can have a new one but it will take a great deal of work. He should be the one doing the hardest work. You will be the one trying to heal. Focus on *yourself*.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NLB,

Would you still be willing to reconcile if this was a physical affair (PA)? If not, then it's even more important that you find out the truth. 

I'm sorry, but it would be very unusual for two adults to carry on with "only" an EA for all these months, particularly a man, when they had that much access to each other. Not impossible, but unlikely. 

If you've been reading this forum long enough, I'm sure that you've read that cheaters follow a script. One of the things they almost always do is called trickle truth. They'll only admit to what they know you have evidence of.

If you want to try to find out the truth, you have some options short of him coming clean.

- Ask him to take a polygraph.

- Ask him to give you his cell phone so that you can take it to an expert (if you're not tech savy) to try and recover those deleted text messages.

If it were me, I would want to know what I'm forgiving.

If he refuses to do either one, you have an answer. He's lying about the EA and/or is not remorseful. Don't tolerate his non-cooperation.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So what happened is that your H has been essentially dating another woman at work and her husband found out. He threatened your H, who then got some religion about getting off of the OW's shift. In his off hours, he was talking to her literally as soon as you were out the door and he was awake. She was the first thing on his mind.

It's very important that you start to accept the reality of what he has been doing and where his mind and heart have been at. You will be advised to do some tough things, but you need to understand that his behavior is completely typical and that there are things that work to help you reconcile and things that don't work. Many of the things that work are counterintuitive & the things that don't work are the ones that seem right at the time. So, please listen to people here.

You absolutely need to demand no contact between them. You have to be strong and tough on this. No waffling. You have to break him out of his fog with this other woman. You need to check as well as possible that the NC is real and sustained. You need to find out if this has gone physical. Get some VARs to do some sleuthing. Do what you can to recover any e-mails and texts that will help you. Insist that he give you all of his passwords to everything - everything. Check for hidden accounts.

In short, you have to be organized and determined to find the truth if you want to save this. And it is serious. Your upset is justified. You're not overreacting.

If you can, stay in touch with the OWH. The two of you can coordinate your efforts .


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If his shift change came about at the time the OWH confronted him he didn't do it out of concern for his family.

He did it out of fear for his ass
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Demands NC
Keep reading the phone bill. I'm sure they still talk everyday. And watch so he doesn't get a burner phone or a secret email acount.
The amount of comunication reflects how deeply attached he's. It's going to be hard to get past the withdrawal. He's likely to relapse (asuming he reaaly tries to go NC).


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

time for you and OWH to out them to their supervisor!


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

EA??? You sure about that? And how would the OW husband know if they did or didn't have sex? 

Hate to say this but it has PA written all over this story!! 

If they still work for the same company will you be able to trust him? I don't think I could. Are you sure you want to R? If you do go for MC ASAP! 

Good luck.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Exposing also has a less talked about side-affect. Setting the record straight with friends and family, so that the disloyal spouse can't spin the blame-shifting to your outer circle.

I'm impressed at the other woman's husband making the right moves.


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## No longer Blind (Apr 5, 2013)

Thank You Everyone for your time and advice. I know the things you are saying are true and very tough for me to hear. 
I do hear you all loud and clear. I will take action.

Although the OW husband thinks there has been no PA; I am not so sure. (The OW husband actually said this to me “They have not had sex yet, I have ways of knowing.” Not sure what he meant by this) I have asked my husband and he tells me no. Honestly, I believe nothing he says to me anymore. Just as you all have pointed out to me, a man is not in an EA for 4 months so they can chat on the phone. I know in my heart there had to be more. I asked very specific questions including my fear and need to be tested for STDs. (I am so angry that at 43 years old and after 20 years of marriage I have to deal with this) I told him NOW is the time to tell me EVERYTHING if he wants our marriage to work. I was very clear, that from this day further if I find out there was anything more; I WILL WALK. 

I told him there must be NO Contact with her and this is made clear to her. I am not sure if I want this done in writing or should he tell her this in my prescience. I don’t even know who she is. We live in a small town and I could be passing her in the and not even know it is her. (I work in a very public/ community business) I feel so vulnerable. 

When I get home this evening I will tell my husband we will either see a MC or a divorce attorney. He must choose. I love him and don’t want a divorce; however I can’t and won’t let this go one more day. I have a 15 year old son and an impressionable 12 year old daughter at home. They need me strong. At the moment strong is not how I would describe myself but I am trying. 

My husband is remorseful. As some of you pointed out it is more likely because he was caught and not of his actions. He says he is truly sorry, loves me and knows what he has done is wrong. He has told me over and over since Sunday that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. I know you all have heard this many times but he says that he knows he has hurt me and broken our relationship and it is his fault. I have told him that it is not enough. 

Thanks again everyone for your advice and input.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NLB,

You have to know who this other woman is. That's an important part of the BS's arsenal. Will he not tell you or have you asked? If he won't tell you, that's a no go on any R. 

Then I would follow up with her husband to get as much detail as possible. You are right not to rely on his thinking that this is not a PA, but I would at least want to know his reasoning.

Would your husband quit his job to save his marriage? Ask him. That will test his remorse. Just working different shifts is not enough for him to avoid contact at work. 

If you want to R, remember he has to agree to everything you put on the table. And that doesn't mean you still shouldn't be monitoring him. Not only through his transparency, but covertly.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

The word "sorry, i love you" never fixes anything.

Actions speak louder than words.

I suggest you ask go full force in demanding that he go NC AND get a new job or transfer. That is the only way.

Its very hard for an alcoholic or any addict to work in an environment where his addiction is available at will.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You also need to occasional talk to and compare notes with the OWH to make sure they aren't sneaking around,


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## No longer Blind (Apr 5, 2013)

I am sorry to ask stupid questions but I have never done this before. 

In demanding transparency from him do I have to give him the same courtesy? I think not. My question is this... If I continue to talk with the OW husband, do I tell my husband I am going to do this? In my way of thinking by letting him know he may go even further “underground” or if I don’t am I betraying my husband by communicating with this other man. 

I was smart enough before the OW husband walked away from me, I asked for his phone#. I knew it could become useful in the future. 

Thanks again, you all have helped me keep my mind in the right place.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You can gather as much evidence as you feel that you need. Only you determine how much you need before you set yourself to confront.

Don't tolerate gas lighting, 'just friends', blame shift, whining etc.

Transparency does not include what you gather as evidence of his waywardness. That is your ammunition that you must not reveal to him how much you know, how you know and if you will keep watching.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

No longer Blind said:


> If I continue to talk with the OW husband, do I tell my husband I am going to do this? In my way of thinking by letting him know he may go even further “underground” or if I don’t am I betraying my husband by communicating with this other man.


You are in a rare situation where you can battle this on a united front with the OWH.

Be cautious as sharing deep personal information with the OWH, it opens a receptive heart and emotions. Keep it business.


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## No longer Blind (Apr 5, 2013)

As I mentioned in my original post, I did everything wrong when I confronted my husband about this affair. I told him exactly where I got the information. I told him, how the OW husband approached me and everything he said to me. Oh boy, you should have seen my husband’s face. He actually said to me that he would let this man know “he had better stay away from HIS wife. (If I was not so angry, hurt and shocked I would have laughed.) My reply was “Are you kidding me, that is what he said to you in January and it didn’t work did it? You have continued your relationship with HIS wife. Really??”

I do think you all have given the best advice. The OW husband told me he thought things were getting better since he confronted the two of them in January. When I got home and looked at my phone bill; I realized they had been talking/ texting just as much after his D Day as they were before. I have been wondering if I should give the OW husband this information. I have always been a very private person. It feels wrong for me to talk to a stranger about this. However; my husband brought these people into our private lives right? This OW husband appeared to me as wanting to save his marriage. I could see he was much stressed talking with me. Should I give him a call and tell him the phone calls had not stopped as of the day he talked with me? Should I provide him copies of the bills; my way of thinking before coming to this board was he could look at his own phone bills. What would you do?

Thanks again


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Absolutely you should tell the OM that they continue to talk. He needs to be watching things on his end. You cant be nice to your husband and do things his way. If you read enough threads on here you will see that as long as you're nice and willing to rug sweep it doesnt go the way you want it to. You have to get the upper hand on all this and you have to be willing to lose him to fix your marriage.


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## [email protected] (Apr 5, 2013)

badmemory said:


> NLB,
> 
> 
> If you want to try to find out the truth, you have some options short of him coming clean.
> ...



I fear if you're at the point of having your spouse take a polygraph, then you're done already. If you find yourself at the point that you need a polygraph to trust your husband, you have to ask yourself if there's any point to staying married. I think making that request, or demanding it, would probably put even more undo strain on the relationship. If you're going to stay in the relationship, even though trust has been betrayed, it will be hard to rebuild it if the first message is "I don't trust you to tell me the truth any more without polygraph or x or y or z to confirm it."

Not sure what to do there, but I do agree with the sentiments expressed that he's really screwed the pooch on this one.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

I strongly recommend telling the OWH everything you know and continue to find out. I am also a very private person and loathed the idea of anyone knowing the details of my private life. However, you are both in the same boat and information is power. I no longer communicate with the other BS in my situation but don't regret doing so at all last year when I discovered the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Its bad news that your husband was confronted in January and he never said anything to you and kept right on with the other woman.

They were together physically, they had sex, he's still lying to you, the other woman's husband of course has no way of knowing if there's been sex or not, he just wants to believe it because he cannot accept the alternative.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yes, give him any and all info you have that the affair is still ongoing.

You owe him as much for one but having him as another set of eyes on her is an excellent position to be in.

My only advice would be to let your husband know you told the OWH after you do so.
The only reason I think this is a good idea is that your H needs to be looking over his shoulder.
This man has once warned him, he is now going to find out your H ignored his warning.
If this were I it would mean your H was in for an ass kicking in the near future.

Unless of course you're ok with your H getting physically harmed then don't bother to give warning.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Give the OWH whatever information you have. Let him know that his 'talk' didn't stop them.

Do NOT tell your H you are talking to the OWH. The complete transparency requirement is not supposed to be used against you while you are trying to stop this affair. It is for him to prove to you that he is breaking things off and attempting to rebuild trust.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

NLB 

I am so sorry you are here and going through this. Sadly this is a long hard road that many of us here are still on. I definitely recommend NC, ASAP! I might also suggest a book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

No longer Blind said:


> I am sorry to ask stupid questions but I have never done this before.
> 
> In demanding transparency from him do I have to give him the same courtesy? I think not. My question is this... If I continue to talk with the OW husband, do I tell my husband I am going to do this? In my way of thinking by letting him know he may go even further “underground” or if I don’t am I betraying my husband by communicating with this other man.
> 
> ...


DO NOT let your husband know you're going to talk to OW's husband before you do it! Definitely not. You do not owe your husband a blow-by-blow of your actions. You need to keep some tools for discovery. No way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I really think considering her H already knows the OWH is her source that she should give him a heads up after she informs the OWH.

This is beyond what's owed to who and who did what to who.

This could run right into physical assault.
It would if it were me it would and I know many many other men feel the same way.

If she has concern for her husbands well being she should give him a heads up some way or another.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Maybe a good @ss whopping is what he needs! I absolutely think you should tell the OWH ALL of the info you have. This man came to you of his own volition and gave you information to help you. Whether or not you decide to fight or flight from your marriage is your decision. He brought you the info and showed you respect and decency (even though it hurts). It is your turn to do the same for him. He has every right to know what his wife is continuing to do.

I do NOT feel that you need to tell your H that you are speaking to the OWH. He brought this hurt and damage into your M. The opportunity to have additional discovery on both sides of this A is priceless! You are at a way bigger advantage on this situation compared to most. Think like a poker player and bluff your way through. 

My last piece of advice is to be careful in dealing with the OWH. You both have emotions running at a very high rate and being that you are both coming from a place of hurt, it could potentially lead to "healing" one another. Tread carefully!!


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