# need advice on 21 yr old ... help



## whichwayisup (Feb 11, 2010)

hi there 
our daughter lives with us and she is going to university. the thing is her and her dad (he is her biological father) do not get along. he calls her names and keeps harping on her.

so her room is in the basement and she told me today that she is miserable. when I asked her (of course she is yelling at me all the time through this conversation ) she tells me that I smother her. 

her complains are:
1) I call her every 20 mins when she does not answer her messages
2) that I like to know her whereabouts and who she is with.
3) I will not let her boyfriend slept over.

I can deal with 1 and 2 but as a parent I don't like not knowing.
3 I don't know how to deal with this. At this age I was married. so I need advice on this. 

she says that if I can not deal with it she is moving out.
I dont want that she is in school and well she needs to stay there in order to get a job. 

Also the fact that she never wants to come home because she puts it it's not a home. Her father is always yelling at her to get up and go to school or that she is not good enough and he calls her names. I really don't know what to do I'm trying to make this all work there is 25 years invested in this and well I'm not happy either. She tells me I want her around all the time. not sure if that his true but I feel that it is because I'm trying to replace her with friends that I don't have. That I have to correct she is 21 and has her own life it is about time I get mine. That I understand. 

I can go on and on here but I don't think that I should so can someone advise me on the best way to keep my daughter happy and tell me what I should do about #3


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Two things - first - she's an adult. You need to let her be one. Calling constantly etc - not how an adult is treated - but how a child is treated. As for the boyfriend - she's 21, they are having sex...I think your just going to have to get over it.

Second - Its your house- your rules. If she can't live with your rules...then she can move out. If you don't want her to move out - update your rules. Its up to you to decide which you want.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

First off, the father needs to be talked to. Calling names is emotionally abusive behavior and that isn't going to help your daughter in life to have those issues with her dad.

Second, back off of her. She's an adult. If she wants to move out, that's up to her. Be supportive instead of trying to manage her life for her. I wouldn't want to be around someone that was yelling and calling me names either.

Third - Your house, your rules. You don't have to allow her boyfriend to spend the night with her in your own home if you aren't comfortable with that. 

Many people live on their own, work, and go to school. If she can handle that, then it may be better for all of you. Allow her to make those life choices for herself, if it doesn't work, she can always move back, and hopefully without the continued verbal abuse.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

What kind of relationship do you (plural "you", meaning both you and your husband) want with her, both now and in the longer term?

If the money situation is bad enough, she may stay with you even though she wants to go, but is that the kind of relationship you want with a family member? And when she does finally go, do you ever want to hear from her again?

Right now it sounds like she may end up spending all her holidays with her boyfriend/husband's family. If she's a horrible disappointment who needs to be yelled at a lot, maybe you'll be just as glad to see the last of her. Only you can decide that.

Calling every 20 minutes is a bit extreme, it seems to me. My son tells me that some of his professors require all cell phones to be switched off at the start of class, and sometimes he forgets to turn his back on afterwards. What do you think it's like to check your messages and have a half-dozen from the same person?

I've recommended this to lots of other people, and it's old but the things it says haven't changed a whit in the 73 years since it was published: you and your husband should sit down and read _How To Win Friends And Influence People_, by Dale Carnegie. Think over all your interactions with your daughter for the past month, and see if there's anything you did which is on Carnegie's "Do Not" list. See how many things on the "Do" list you have neglected for the last month.

You really can change how people act by how you treat them, but not if they think you're the enemy. In the next few years, she'll be moving out. If you hope to still have any kind of relationship with her after that, you should start right now to fix the situation you're in.

You can start, and score big points, and probably smooth over a lot of stuff, with a good compromise: "I've been thinking, and you're right: calling as often as I do is excessive. And I don't mean to be intrusive when I want to know where you'll be and who you'll be with. It's not like I want you to get my permission first, or anything, I just worry. If I know you'll be back at 11, then at 10:30 I don't have anything to worry about because I know the schedule. But without knowing your schedule, I can't know if you're late so I worry until you get back. So, if you'll work to ensure that I've got a schedule, I'll try to keep my worries to a minimum and not call you all day. Okay?"

As for #3, just be honest: "I know it matters to you, but that's just more than I can handle. I'm sorry. Let's fix the things we can get to agreement on for right now."

Also, how nice is her basement bedroom? If she doesn't like it down there, maybe it could be improved or she could relocate to elsewhere in the house.

But the biggest thing is that you need to make a welcoming home. Not just for guests, but for the people who live there, too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would also recommend that YOU speak to your husband and let him know that negative language will no longer be allowed in your house.


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