# Please read -- I need help --



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I have a question about my husband. I’m really hitting the wall and about to leave him. He and I haven’t “clicked” in a long time – but I am starting to feel like the decision is obvious. I have major emotional problems with him – but now I have a bigger issue. I need objective opinions. I am the main bread winner – I make 5 times more than he does. I am always feeling as if I can’t make enough for him. He works hard and loves his profession and has no desire to make any more money for our family and children. I understand that – I married him, right? Well, my husband recently told my family (jokingly) I was his “sugar momma”. Well, he treats me like that. He is always wanting to buy more expensive things. IE. We can’t own a home because he never likes anything that’s in our price range – so we have leased- so we can get the monthly payment he can live with –and the expensive house we could never actually afford to own. (Taxes would send us over the edge). But, this same person penny pinches me if I buy ANYTHING. I get the evil eye if I buy a new pair of shoes, and I NEVER buy anything for myself. Here’s another good reflection of the situation - My mother in law was coming to bail us out of a childcare situation and he wouldn’t pay for a direct flight – instead he wanted to get the cheapest fare with 4 stops. Ok…may not seem that bad, but you see the trend. 
So, here’s where I started really feeling cheated. My father died in a tragic accident – I had to get an immediate flight home. I was distraught over the news and he wouldn’t help buy the tickets. I started freaking out – getting online to get the fastest flight home (he was still in surgery at the time) and he stopped me and wouldn’t let me book the ticket – I said why (all of a sudden he CARES) ..he said you are too upset – well it turns out he just wanted to make sure he went on priceline – to get the lowest prices on a rental car. I said – I’m just going to the airport! I can’t believe this!

Now, this weekend I learned that he asked his parents for a LOT of cash – saying that he needed it because we had a lot of “bills/taxes come up”. Yes, we had to pay our taxes but we will be fine! He told me in advance that he was going to ask them (they are retired –near 70 –still WORKING and BROKE AND HAVE CANCER). I told him no, you can NOT – I personally make 200k more a year than they do and we do NOT need to ask them for money. He reluctantly agreed – well he asked anyway. They said YES…of course, they want to help their son, right? I said you can’t accept that money! He said, yes they said it’s fine – (of course they will –he told them we were broke) and that he wanted to buy a few things… he went the next day FURNITURE SHOPPING for our TODDLER! Also, he requested/took 10k from his parents 6 months ago, as well. 

So, I thought - That’s it. The writing is on the wall. This man won’t listen to me --- won’t think of me/his ailing parents’ or our child’s education first - that’s it! He is spending us out of everything. We don’t have any savings. We live paycheck to paycheck – and we make over 250k a year. 

He noticed my complete withdrawl from conversation after I asked him WHY he would ask for this money when we both agreed that he would not. He kept asking “are you ok”…I said yes, aside from the fact that you completely ignored my thoughts about this money. He said …”oh, it’s fine”. But, he continues to ask why “I am so quiet”. He’s making me coffee, giving me massages….but still DOES NOT UNDERSTAND why I am upset! I have TOLD HIM and he doesn’t get it. 

What would you do? Is it time I kick my husband out so he can live on his OWN salary and stop mooching off of me? He’s going to drain me dry and his poor parents. It’s just sad. I am religious (have made my share of mistakes, as well) but I do NOT want to divorce. That’s why I’ve hung on this long. I would want to request an annulment –as I take leaving very seriously. I also want to point out that my husband is a very morale man. (I know this doesn’t sound like it) but he is a great dad (aside from finances) and he is someone that most people would consider a “good person” if they didn’t know about this…. He’s not a gambler, doesn’t watch porn – and I think he is truly in love with me. He just doesn’t know the damage of his actions – despite the fact I have had many discussions. We tried couples counseling too…… therapist thought he was depressed. He refused medication.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Separate the finances and bills...make him responsible for more and see if that helps. He really is in need of financial counseling as well as marital counseling, as are you with the latter.

If you don't want to divorce then at least consider separating for awhile until you can sort things out.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

THank you for your advice! Question -- are you suggesting I seperate while having him go through financial counseling?

If so, how would you suggest I tell him? Have him get the apartment? He has told me in the past "we can't afford for me to seperate"....ie...paying bills on a seperate apartment/utilities/childcare. We can...of course...if we start living within our means....


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Please ....I need advice...I ask for your opinions. I'm really scared --- thanks in advance.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

(not to put words in his mouth), but I think what JD is suggesting is cut him off financially. Separate checking and savings accounts for each of you. Don't be his "sugar momma", you are his wife, not his meal ticket.

If you have join credit cards, separate those as well. And then get him into financial counseling.

He doesn't have to move out to do this. Especially if your salary can support your home/bills/etc. And if you want to work on staying married.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you can't live with him then yes, have him move out...but you can be legally separated and still live in the same house but it isn't easy. At the very least you should consider filing legal separation paperwork with the court so that everything is outlined, who pays what bills and who is responsible for what and that includes house maint. childcare, anything and everything you can think of...

You can make it equitable, if you make five times as much as he does then you want to be as fair as possible in the division of the debt...and then he can either sink or swim and maybe this will force him to appreciate what you are bringing to the marriage.

It sounds like he is a jerk at the very least and shows you little or no respect and takes you for granted, all things that can be overcome. For some men something like this is a wake up call, if it's not then you know that this is the beginning of the end and you should probably call it quits.

Find a decent financial advisor/counselor and get him some help because if he is as reckless with money he will fail miserably and look to you to help him out, that would not a be smart thing to do no matter how much you might be compelled to do so.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

*Re: Please read -- I need help --Preacher?*

Ok...I talked to my husband (after going to a therapist last night). I started off by continuing to press my "concern" with his failure to meet our agreement of not asking his parents for money. He said he was really sorry but had no memory of our "agreement" and I said well if you didn't remember why did you tell me you did -- before. He said, I don't know, and called himself an idiot. 

Then, I told him that we were going to need to move out our current house and find something we could afford and start living within our means -- if he finds it necessary to continue borrowing from his parents. He wouldn't say anything but "wow, i'm in shock". This is all "shocking information". He said that he was completely in the dark on the finances because I pay all the bills and that he just had "no response". 

When I asked if him he disagreed with me about our need to either get rid of the nanny's extra hours (when he is home) or move out of our house -- he said "I don't know -- we will have to go over our finances together". He said HE NEEDS to handle the bills -- that with me doing it -- he is left in the dark. 

He then said he had to go wash his face and brush his teeth -- and go to work -- and we'd discuss this over the weekend.
I didn't say anything at all -- just allowed him to say whatever he WOULD say. He said I "went along with everything" so I can't possibly be blaming him for everything. I said "no - I should have spoken up and told you how I truly feel but didn't want to rock the boat." I told him I was sorry for allowing that to happen and for that - I am to blame.

However, he will NOT agree to give the money back to his parents. He said that we need new tires on our cars (we don't need it asap) and that he wanted it to be "comfortable".

He was so mad that we would have to adjust our lifestsyle. He said I can't believe you are telling me this now....I said well, if you are asking for 20 thousand dollars from your parents in 6 months time -- so you can get "tires and be comfortable"...don't you think it would be fair to say that you were aware that things were tight?

You know the crazy thing about all of this? We would not need to move -- if he would just adjust his habits and not use a nanny for the hours he is home. He could watch our children -- but he says he needs time to do his "own things". That would give us an extra 1 thousand dollars a month -- and we would be ok.

But, I think all of this is proof he's not willing to see the big picture. 

I did not discuss separation during this conversation because I wanted to give him the opportunity to show me how he truly felt -- and I guess he did.

Preacher-- I so appreciate your advice and insight. What do you think of this response from him?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

IMHO I believe he see's the whole picture and by the statement that was made about he "needs to handle the bills" means to me that he can try and keep you out of the loop on where you stand with the money.

If you truly don't want to separate then you should make a list of changes that you see that need to be made, like ridding yourself of the nanny on the days he is available to take care of the kids, and let him present a list of changes that need to be made and then work together on finding a way to make the changes happen.

It's going to take compromise from both of you, since he said that he needs time to do his own thing so the nanny has to stay, then coutner with on these days we can keep her around and on these days not...it's a meet in the middle yet stay productive compromise and would still save you $500 a month by your own estimate.

If you aren't able to come to an accord within about six months then you know what has to be done and as unfortunate as it may be, that could be you're only avenue.

He sounds a bit manipulative, immature and selfish traits not unknown to almost every man, but borrowing money from people who can't afford to loan and seemingly with no plans to pay it back, well, he's beyond redemption.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

If he is not willing to adjust where there needs adjustment..then it's time to boot him out. To me...a nanny would be a luxery...especially on days I was capable of watching my own children. He should be willing to cut that luxery. As for the house....I agree that you should move to a place that is suitable for your needs but not more than you can afford. Every financial professional will advise you to buy instead of lease because of the equity. But when you do buy make sure you have enough money to do the important things like saving money for the future. 

I would sit and make a list of deal breakers with him. The first one being borrowing money from his parents. And I would also insist on paying that money back. IMO when you borrow money from someone...that automatically gives them the right to know your financial business. How would his parents feel if they knew the real reasons he borrowed that money??? 

I too am religious and do not like the idea of divorce....but a good marriage takes both partners doing their part and acting responibly....he is not. Try to work it out...and if he is uncooperative...then do what needs to be done and leave.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Thank you so much for your feedback...I really appreciate all of your time and thoughts. I talked with my husband today and it did not go well. He basically blamed me for everything, claiming his spending habits are the result of my large salary. He says I have an "image to keep up" and that he was just trying to help me do that. I said I don't know how you could say that to me, considering he constantly makes me feel bad for buying a pair of 70 dollar shoes! You know how these things go - he just started yelling at me in front of our 3 year old son. I finally stopped him, picked up my son, and left. Here's how it ended (via text message) tonight. He says that we "both need to ignore each others opinions on our financial habits and draft a budget and stick to it". I asked if he would agree to give back the money to his parents and move out of our home...he said "not really". He wants to cut in "other areas"...that don't include our home or nanny. I just don't know where we would cut so drastically...that we would start going in the right direction. 

In summary, I have learned that the minute I question my husband (I never do...normally) he turns and blames me for everything. I asked him if he would do therapy, he said "yes" but would not agree to a time to set an appointment....which means... "no"...but I want to be able to say I agreed..right? 

I don't know what to do, as I'm very scared to leave. I am so strong professionally, but he has always been my weakness. Unfortunately, we have MORE problems than financial issues. He also is very negative overall and sex is a very big issue....ie. he wants to have sex, but he admits he can't last more than 30 seconds...so it's all about him. I "take care of matters" for him -- and then he goes to sleep.... you can imagine how difficult that is for me to do on a consistent basis. I suggested therapy in that area too a few weeks ago and he said "all guys have that problem, I just have to work on it...but practice makes perfect, right?" 

Sex has NEVER been good -- and certainly not that important to me -- but now everything seems to be crumbling. 

What would you do? I do not favor divorce (religiously) but I don't know if this is ever going to get bettter. I've spent years TRYING to make this work...and now we're reaching another boiling point.

Again, I appreciate your thoughts...


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, I'm not aware of what religion you are but many Christians now believe "No Christian must remain within a marriage to a murder, thief, liar, slanderer, [or an] abusive, hostile, violent spouse (or any [spouse whose] ...behavior ... is criminal or immoral)..." 

There are also passages in the Bible where divorce is allowed and according to the Gospel divorce was allowed in the Law that God Gave to Moses.

There is a passage on my wedding website from the book of Matthew that called for Jesus to answer and he did so thustly...

"Jesus answer to the Pharisees, quoted in Matthew and Mark: "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" means that the Pharisees had no jurisdiction in matters of divorce. Only the couple, alone, could decide whether to terminate their marriage."

If you are truly unhappy, money is a constant source of arguments and there is no passion and romance, no respect and a barrage of verbal abuse...IMHO I don't see any other options for you but to leave...or have him leave.

There are three things that are somewhat universal grounds for leaving your spouse, Adultery, Addiction and Abuse...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Preacher, what are your views about remarriage after divorce?

Also, how often do you encounter folks who "say" they are going to change....and change temporarily...and then revert back.

I'm wondering if I give him ANOTHER chance..it feels like the christian thing to do...but I think I"m starting to be DUMB in giving so many chances...

Once again, he has promised to change -- said that he will consider returning ONE of the 10k gifts from his parents...
but he refuses to move out of our house, because it would mean we would be like gypsies....I agree NO ONE wants to move...but NO ONE wants to be bankrupt either.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

People who "say" they are going to change rarely do, the ones who actually make a change and stick with it are rare. If he's said he's going to change more than once and still reverts back to what he was doing, then he only changes when he's pushed to the precipice of splitting up and losing everything.

That's manipulation...

My views on marriage after divorce are simple, everyone deserves to be happy and live their lives realtively stress free and as I said, there are three reasons most faith's allow or are more of accepting of where divorce is concerned...Addicton, Adultry or Abuse. He qualifies in two of those catagories, he's addicted to spending money or "living the lifestyle" though some may say that's stretching the definition of addiction a bit, there are people who are out of control with their spending and if he's borrowing money from relatives who don't have the money to lend plus spending and making things fiscally challenging for you even though you make a higher than average salary, there is a problem.

He also qualifies under the Abuse catagory because he is manipulative and attempts to place blame on anyone and everyone except himself, most of the time, he blames you. Mental abuse is one of the hardest to escape from because words don't hurt _likephysical abuse but they are still very hurful.

You would not live like gypsies I'm sure...at least you. My best advice to you would be to consult with an attorney, draw up separation papers with everything lined out legal and in black and white, who is responsible for what payments, bills, debt, child support, spousal support (if he so demands and it is relative to your state) and division of property and file.

A legal separation does not mean you're divorcing, it means you are separating with the intent to divorce. Six months minimum with steady progress on making a substantial chage in his behavior would be what you should shoot for and in the meantime you both seek individual and couples counseling as well as financial planning so you can live within your means but still live a healthy and adaquate lifestyle.

This is one area where I don't lean toward "spiritual counseling" because there are too many interpretations of the Bible and by the people reading them for you to really get a grasp on who you are and have become and your spouse.

Yes, the Christian thing to do would be to try one last time to salvage your marriage and if that's what you truly want to do, then consider the words and advice that have been heeded in this post, you may have to tweak them a little in order to serve your purpose and that's fine.

Only you can decide what is enough and when it's enough and honestly, it sounds like you're there but afraid to move on what your gut is telling you to do. Your heart and your head always battle and it's often times to find clarity in what you should do. That's why a separation might be the best thing...

Always remember, God is loving and God is forgiving, he gave us free will to make mistakes and also to correct those mistakes. As long as you have God in your heart, you will have passage to Heaven.

Blessed Be,
Preacher_


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Dontwantto,

My opinion is do what is best for your family before anything else. You have to assume the parent role with your husband it sounds like, so do it and don't back down. If that doesn't work, leave him. He is living in fantasy land and you are being a realist.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Just when I think I get it in my head that I’m strong enough to leave, and begin to construct an exit plan – my therapist has made me very scared. I guess I’m just wondering if this is typical therapy. After speaking with him again last night about ALL The information that I have provided in these posts, he suggested that I read a book called “take back your marriage” and encouraged me to continue pushing to stay together in the same home. He kept asking me questions like how are you going to feel telling people you are getting divorced? What are you going to tell your family? (Very religious). He said that my husband’s issues with money are not really the issue – but rather my lack of ability to get my point across to him. He said this will only happen again with your next marriage/relationship.

He also said that it was “VERY TYPICAL’ for men to behave the way my husband is...when asked if it was “typical” for people to completely shift ALL of our problems onto the other person. He said he could understand my husband’s pressure to “keep up the appearances for me” because I make so much more money than he does…. He also said I will have to “grieve the fact that he will never be the fun, talkative person that I might desire”. 

He recommended that I focus on the positive…ie. Being a good father, and being passionate about his own job – and recognize how painful it would be to be alone. He said too many people see marriage as “consumers” and think when something is broke – you throw it out.

Yes, I think it’s VERY painful to be alone – I’m very scared. But, I have been dealing with these problems for a long time and I guess I’m just wondering if there isn’t a point that you have to take a stand. My friends who have heard me complain through the years are finally seeing me wake up and they are commending me for being strong for once – and now if I back down when I have the most strength – I’m worried it will be like I’ve cried wolf. 

Bottom line, I have to make this decision – but I am easily swayed by the opinions of others and I would really like to know that my own therapist who I pay wayyyy too much money to – would support me. I told him that my husband has now refused to make an appointment for therapy and he said …well some people just don’t want to do couples therapy. I think it’s what we need – and it could save our relationship.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

_Bottom line, I have to make this decision – but I am easily swayed by the opinions of others _

It sounds like this is what you really need to work on--and maybe by making this decision without asking for any more input, you can start that process. Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your decisions. Best of luck.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> _Bottom line, I have to make this decision – but I am easily swayed by the opinions of others _
> 
> It sounds like this is what you really need to work on--and maybe by making this decision without asking for any more input, you can start that process. Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your decisions. Best of luck.


As a male suffering from the "nice guy syndrome", I too am easily swayed by others' opinions. But I agree with sisters359, this is YOUR decision to make and only YOU can make it. If you're unsure whether to leave or not, consider reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It won't make the decision for you but it will give you some things to consider.

BTW, it kind of pisses me off that your therapist said:


He also said that it was “VERY TYPICAL’ for men to behave the way my husband is...
He also said I will have to “grieve the fact that he will never be the fun, talkative person that I might desire

Sounds like he is saying you have to "settle for what you have". Call me 'selfish' but I don't agree.


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## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

Update -- well I wanted to thank all of you for your kind responses here a few weeks ago. Here's what's developed. My H has not returned the money he requested from his parents because he says THEY want him to have it. I have just let that one go..... he is now a coupon clipping crazy person -- trying to save money on groceries and such. He is reading Dave Ramsey's book, so he is working on a plan to get us out of debt. However, he isn't really doing much else. We seemed to be improving as a couple, by being kinder to each other. I am "trying" to ask for what I need on a more consistent basis. 

But, that all came to a bit of a hault last night while we were out on "date night". My H asked me a few years ago if I would ever get breast implants.....and I said I would..if it made him happy. So, I did it. I have been happy with my decision. However, last night, he said that I looked nice and he was happy I was showing some cleavage....I laughed it off. He then proceeded to tell me that - after we get out of debt- that he would "not be upset" if I went back in and got bigger implants. I said "wow, I thought this was enough" and he said, yes they are very nice....but I'd like to see you "get more for the family". WHAT? He also told me that he would "not be opposed" to me getting some collagen lip injections.

Oh, just when I think I have done a good job on focusing on the positive in our relationship and trying to slowly coach him on the money issue....he tells me I need bigger boobs and lips.

Can I ask if I am being too sensitive to this issue? Maybe I need to just tell him that it hurt my feelings? But, I have done that before and that does not stop him from picking clothes out of the magazine and showing me what HE WANTS me to wear.... 

Thoughts?


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