# 2 Strikes You're Out?



## John Doe (Jul 15, 2009)

Hello all, I'm new to this and thank you in advance for your advice and so sorry for the long drawn out story.

If it helps, here is a little background about us. My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, but together as a couple for a total of 9 years. We've lived together for the past 4 years in a house we bought together and no children. We are financially stable, in good careers, and rarely ever fight. We are still pretty young, I am 25 and my wife is 27. We are high school sweethearts. I feel lucky to have her as we met way before high school and she never gave me the time of day, but somehow found each other. 

Story begins..So recently I found out that my wife has been unfaithful with a man she used to work 6 years ago at a different job. From what I have found (emails, myspace/facebook) and what she has told me with full disclosure that this began 3 months ago as an everyday contact discreetly through email/facebook/myspace only that grew into what she feels was an infatuation. He initiated the starting of hello, and it slowly turned into I had a crush on you at the old job, to flirting and being sexual through messages. They met face to face on 4 separate occasions and only kissed. I 100% believe her on this, and for some odd feeling am relieved it was only a kiss. In addition to these messages, there were many that referenced her feelings for me, and that this (him & her) needed to stop. Of course I have experienced all feelings from mad-sad-furious-loneliness-etc. She promised that there is no more contact with this guy, we removed and blocked all contacts from emails/facebook/myspace. During year 3 of our relationship, she fully cheated on me with a guy from school. I was very hurt at the time, but have forgave/forgot because we were very young at the time. In addition, I know in my heart it was because of the attention and time I neglected towards her. I was 19/20 years old, and had other priorities (school/work/friends) that I put ahead of us. But quickly started to understand this concept of "us" 100000% more since then, and especially after living with each other. In addition, up until this point we both have agreed we've been the perfect loving couple.

Now, as we are married and took vows for "better or for worse" I am very hurt, but want to make things work for us. I honestly feel that she is remorseful and has taken full accountability for what she has done. We both agreed that we would like to seek counseling to try to make things right. She has told me that I have done nothing, but given her the world, and that she "does not know what's wrong with her, and why she continues to do the things she does to hurt me". She wants to see a counselor by herself because she says "if I can't fix myself, how can I help fix our relationship". 

Final thoughts...She cheated once, although it was when we were rocky and young, I still keep it in full consideration. In many emails, the words "I am in love with you" as well as many other emotions that were poured from her mind/soul. I have read many of her writings throughout our relationship, and I know that she was writing from a very real and emotional feeling. She denies that it was not her loving him, but the love of the feeling of not being able to have him, and it the lusting of it all. Which I can kind of comprehend, because how do you truly "love" someone in less than 3 months of emails and myspace messages? Bottom line, I want to still make this work, although I know it will be tough. One of my biggest fears is that she wants to see a counselor because she feels "lost". From putting all the puzzle pieces together and trying to logic her feelings with us, I am fearful that the counselor will tell her that she is no longer in love with me. Which can mean that she needs to move on in her life without me. Although she says she loves me dearly and can never picture being with anyone else, she does not feel the same love that she used to feel during the beginning of our relationship. One more thing to add, the past 4 years our sex life has slowly decreased from a few times a week to 1-2 times a month, if that. We have talked about this and have been working on it. She says its from stress/tiredness, I work in healthcare so I can relate with symptoms of a low sex drive, but she's 27. We're in our prime and should be like bunnies!

My questions...

- Is it right/fair for her to feel this way, instead of concentrating on me and prioritizing my healing process first?
- Should I be worried that she is going into counseling alone, as opposed to couples first?
- Is it weird that I love her this much, to fight for us through everything? I mean I read many posts and after strike 1 you are out...so definitely strike 2 you should be ejected right?
- What should I be "looking out" for?
- $1 million question...What should I do?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its not that she feels less love. The problem is, she feels less respect. This is the second time you have swept her cheating under the rug. I can tell from your post that you are losing self respect. You act far to cerebral and academic about her cheating. You forgive far to readily, which only affirms her lack of respect for you. All her machinations saying it was that she was in "love with lust" is a lying, cheating, cake eater talking. You asked for my opinion, here it is. Separate all bank accounts. Tell her that she needs to leave, until she can figure out if she loves you. And then give her a time limit of say a month. No discussion is to happen with her until she remembers her love (respect) for you. She has to miss you. At this point she has pulled away and you are getting sucked in by her emotional vacuum. You have to create your own emotional vacuum, to balance things out.

IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE SELF RESPECT THEN HER LOVE. WITHOUT IT YOU WILL HAVE NEITHER.

What I would do is get up in her grill. Call her a "SERIAL CHEATER" to her face. Demand she get out till she figures out what she wants. But tell her in that time, you will be thinking of what you want. You must man up here, my friend. First step, is to separate finances. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money. Stay strong.


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## elattoo (Jul 4, 2009)

With all due respect, I could not disagree more with "Initfortheduration". I think what you have done to date _is_ "manning up" and quite admirable. Your forgiveness and commitment to her is amazing. She is lucky to have you. 

IMHO - she is trying to fill a void, and toying with the idea that maybe she can find that in other men. I would strongly urge that you go to counseling as a couple, as opposed to her by herself. She may be afraid to hurt you with some of the things she's keeping inside, but better that they get aired out there with someone who is trained to help you work through it.

If you share a common faith, then choose a counselor who will help you get grounded in something bigger than yourselves. Make sure you find a counselor who will emphasize fighting for the marriage and not encourage her to "find herself" or "follow her heart". Basing a marriage on feelings is building your house on the sand.

Hang in there...

Kevin

Refining Marriage


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:iagree::iagree:
Elattoo has good advice. 

Fighting for the marriage is about something bigger than each of you as individuals. 

Agree strongly that she is trying to fill a void with other men, as she is not sure what she is feeling is because of her being exclusive to you.

In my experience trading in one partner for another is rarely productive, as the next partner will have issues, too, just different issues; and she will still have hers no matter who she runs to.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

- Is it right/fair for her to feel this way, instead of concentrating on me and prioritizing my healing process first?
- Should I be worried that she is going into counseling alone, as opposed to couples first?
- Is it weird that I love her this much, to fight for us through everything? I mean I read many posts and after strike 1 you are out...so definitely strike 2 you should be ejected right?
- What should I be "looking out" for?
- $1 million question...What should I do? 

I feel for you. There is a lot here for you to come to terms with. In my opinion (and we alll know what opinions are like), she IS right about going to counseling on her own first. She needs to figure out what is missing within HERSELF, so that she can deal with it and move on. She is obviously seeking the head over heels feeling of lust/puppylove to fill something that is missing with herself. Once she can come to terms with her issues, then the door is wide open for that to carry over into your marriage. She can't be right within your marriage without being right within herself too. A counselors job is NOT to decide if she is or is not in love with you still, only SHE can figure that out. A counselors job is to help her figure out what triggers her behavior, and to help her process it and work thru it. My H goes to counseling privately...we tried marriage counseling and it was not getting anywhere, because HE was not being honest with himself, much less me. In private counseling, he has managed to get his issues out on the table, identify his triggers, and learn how to change his behavioral patterns. Those lessons HAVE carried over into our marriage, and quite honestly, we are doing better than we ever have. 

No, it is not weird for you to love her enough to fight for your relationship. IF she is willing to put in the work, and you are willing to also, you CAN come out of this better than ever. It takes time, patience, and faith. Trust,that can take a long time to come back, and you will have days where you would think its easier to walk away, but if you BOTH are committed to working thru this, it will get easier and better as time goes by.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

This was not a drunken ONS. This was a premeditated act. Met four times and only kissed? You can't be sure of the truth yet either. Think for a moment. If she did some guy in year 3, and went all the way. Why would she have stopped short with a kiss at FOUR DIFFERENT MEETINGS. I Suggest a lie detector and most likely she will cave in. She is half in and half out of the marriage now. This is not the first time she has cheated. Look, I would like to see you restore your marriage, but until you have the truth and the whole truth, you can't begin again. Also, you need to read posts here and at other sites. Then you have to think about which course is best. I personally believe that unless there is a conscience awakening crisis, in cases like this, issues are glossed over, and like you said "forgiven and forgotten" until they rise up again. DUDE, you have been married for a year and a half. She could have been in contact with him your whole marriage. And the other illustrious opinions here want you to stop investigating, stop trying to find the truth and just see a counselor. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW JUST WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE YET. 

Ellatoo is right. She is trying to fill a void. So what? She is trying to fill the void because she never was really sure that she loved you in the first place. She has never had to make a choice. So like a child she sits on the fence. This will not stop or more likely she will slowly lose more respect for you and eventually find someone she can respect. Someone who won't just lie down and take what she dishes out. She doesn't have any boundaries yet and the others want you to move one with out making a clear statement. No thanks. Again, all of this is my opinion. Read the others posts here and see what taking the soft road accomplishes.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Initfortheduration has hit it on the head as far as i'm concerned. Why continue to molly coddle this woman who chose to be unfaithful, even if it was only a kiss, give me a break. So some of you are giving her a pass and making it sound like he needs to do more for her or that he needs to be strong and work on the marriage....um no. he needs to run her butt out.

i say it over and over and i am never dissapointed, if the roles were reversed in this situation the man would be getting blasted for being a jerk


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I worry because she's now cheated twice. This is a very bad sign -- we've got the beginning of a very unhealthy and damaging pattern.

I disagree about couples counseling. I think she really does need to sort out her own problems prior to dealing with the marriage. And she might not feel free to discuss her issues with you present. At least not yet.

The real question is whether she's being honest with this person. If she has a void, she may very well want the counselor's approval more than she wants to actually deal with her core issues and so she may never actually get to the point of hard truth. Or, it may take a long time to get there. I don't know your wife or her capacity for instrospection. I don't know how tuned in to her own feelings and issues (family of origin, self-image, etc.) she is.

She may very well still love you but love you from a stunted, immature point of view. 

Something else to think about -- if you are afraid of the truth, you won't get anywhere long-term in this marriage. If the truth is that she isn't in love with you any longer, (which I doubt is the entire truth -- it is about her capacity to love herself as much as anyone else) you might want to entertain that now rather than later. If you are afraid that she'll be influenced by a counselor who TELLS her she's no longer in love with you, then you have a different problem. But most counselors don't tell you how you feel. They help you figure out what is going on with yourself. YOU decide.

I think you need to be firm with her though -- no more chances. If she messes this up, you are going to a lawyer the next day. Never again. If she thinks she can keep getting things like this by you, she has no real incentive to do the hard work necessary to get at why she's so self-destructive. In a land of no consequences, children never grow up.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would recommend picking up the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. If she is seeking that 'butterflies' feeling, he does a great job explaining what that is and how love changes over time.

I don't think individual counseling for her is a bad idea. If she is feeling 'lost' it may help her to learn to feel better about herself without needing outside validation from other men.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How about an update JD.


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## vox.populi (Aug 8, 2013)

I'd recommend not ruling out that the next time she steps out on you, you may very well be exposed to an infection which has been transmitted sexually and never goes away. Just me being pragmatic. I myself had forgiven and forgotten. A few years passed us by. The healing hands of time did their magic.....and BAM! How would you like a nice surprise case of Chlamydia?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@vox.populi, this thread is nearly 6 years old.


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