# It's been a while... Need some advice!



## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

I know it's been a while since I have last posted but a lot has happened! If you have followed any of my previous posts my 2 kids and myself have finally moved 1800 miles back to my home state just a few days ago. The week leading up to it was very hectic as I had my last day at my job and we finished packing etc. My stbxh even though he was taking is pretty hard only saw our boys twice that last week! I don't understand his thinking on why he would only see them twice when he knew it was going to be a while before he could see them again with him being in the military. So on the last night before we left he basically broke down on me crying which is a huge thing for him as he doesn't cry but made me feel guilty for taking his kids away from him!! WTF What did he expect?? I'm not going to stay in a state where we have no family etc and wait around for him when he was the one the wanted this divorce in the first place and didn't want to try and work on our marriage which is another story in the first place since we basically went from him telling me he wants a divorce the end or April to filing for divorce the beginning of June! But still continues to tell me he wants to try again! I don't get it!

Anyway, so now that we are across the country and he can't see the boys anymore or they just aren't at his disposal like they used to be he is very depressed. I kind of figuired this would happen and reality would set in for him. So since thursday everything is I'm so sad and I can't think and I keep crying. Well I keep being as supportive as possible I tell him he needs to get help and talk to someone because that will help him. I needed help when he told me he wanted a divorce to! No shame in that and that's exactly what I told him. Which this morning he did tell me he made a doctors appointment for today to get a referral which I was happy about because like I said we don't have any family or anything out there for support so it will really help him. 

But this evening I texted him because that is basically our only communication ever telling him that he is pushing me away because if he isn't telling me about how sad he is, he is getting mad at me because I'm not including him in on telling him what I am going to be doing with the boys etc or he just ignors my texts period. And he responds back with "Sorry i'm not trying to push you away, I'm just sad because I'm realizing what I had." and I text him back asking "And what's that?" and then he responded back with "Don't worry I will tell you, I just have had it good and did not see it." That's all he said and I haven't heard anything else since.. I wasn't expecting to hear that from him! 

In a way I'm glad he is realizing what he had and that it's gone but then in another it makes me sad because he couldn't realize that when he told me he wanted a divorce and saw how depressed I was? He couldn't realized that when I filed for divorce? He couldn't realized that when we went to the children in the middle class and everyone else seemed to have way worse situations than ours?? It took us moving across the US to realize that?? It's not like he didn't know how much I did for him! Him being in the military and never really being home, I did everything!! It's not like he didn't know! I don't even know what to think about it now.. :scratchhead:


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Maybe it did take the divorce and moving away to really sink in. You are correct however that you had many of the same emotions when he told you he wanted a divorce.

I guess you have two options. One is to just nicely let him know that you understand his pain because you went through it as well. And just like you have gotten through it, he will too.

The other option is, since you went through the pain that he is now going through, maybe you could be the bigger person and do your best to help him through it (which is what it sounds like you are doing).

I can understand your frustration. Wishing you the best.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't know if it wil be of any use, but you could read my post under "Lightbulb Moment" in this forum. My H is still deployed though getting close to the end and yes, guilt is very difficult to deal with. Especially when you have to deal with someone in a uniform. 

My H was offered to come home early but emailed to me that 'knowing me it would not help anything because I already had a plan to leave'. I do think it is because he knows exactly how he behaved to me and that he went too far. Too many times. For too long. Also he will stay for the money associated. 

Sometimes people just have to be allowed to feel sorry for themselves. Not experiencing natural consequences of their actions in childhoor is what got them into their present situations to begin with.

Being firm and not letting your own mental state get toyed with is important. You made a good decision and now it seems he MIGHT be messing with your mind, trying to get you to question a decision you made with more than careful consideration, to do something healthy for yourself and the children. You made a good decision and as you adjusted to needing to do that, along with helping the children adjust, he is capable of doing that too. It's good that you did leave. If he cared about you moving on and being able to be the best parent possible, he would go to therapy and stop crying on the shoulder of the person he said he wanted a divorce from. Ugh. 

I do have a feeling of compassion and humanity, but sometimes people need to get a spine. I mean your H, not you.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

WTF, too bad Mr!! He orchestrated this little nightmare and you have done what you needed to do to take care of youself and the kids. Does he really think you should feel sorry for him? PFFT.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Thank you!! It's nice hearing everyone's take on it!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

staircase said:


> WTF, too bad Mr!! He orchestrated this little nightmare and you have done what you needed to do to take care of youself and the kids. Does he really think you should feel sorry for him? PFFT.


Right, it's all part of the plan.
How dare you do this to him (I am kidding.)


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