# Sexless Relationship! Leave or Stay?



## ivyblue (Mar 18, 2013)

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years! He is 40 and I am 32. The first year was great, sex all the time, sometimes many of times a day. We used to have foreplay, great sex and would always kiss. Fast forward the 2nd year until now and our sex life sucks. He works sometimes 12-15 hours which I understand, but I only get peck on the lips when he goes to work, or when he gets home, he gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. When holiday's come around he don't even try to be romantic anymore. When he purposed he just got down on one knee in a hotel room and said will you marry me then got up and that's it. When we do have sex, its like wham bam, thank you mam. He has always snuck around and looked at porn for the last 5 years, he said, I just got horny so I watched it. Well, hello I am here! He is a wonderful father, provider, and great roommate, but I am tired of waiting for more! Any hope before I get married or should I kick the roommate to the curb?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Welcome Ivyblue!

If you want things to change, you must find a way to communicate YOUR needs. You need to tell him that you want and need MORE from him. Always remember that we men can be a little dense, and that we can't read your mind. I understand that he is tired and working hard, but I am sure you are too. Sex and mutual satisfaction is so crucial in long term relationships.

This lack of sexual satisfaction will not likely improve once you get married....so communicate your feelings and work on it NOW. If things still don't change, you can take appropriate action before you walk down the aisle. 

There are tons of ideas, books to read, counseling, and things to do so both of your needs are met. Just do them now, and don't put them off thinking it will all change later. TAM will help too.


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## ivyblue (Mar 18, 2013)

I have communicated with him many of times! We have great communication, trust, relationship but the sex is just lacking! All my friends want a relationship like we have, but I think they have a better sex life than we do!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

ivyblue said:


> I have communicated with him many of times! We have great communication, trust, relationship but the sex is just lacking! All my friends want a relationship like we have, but I think they have a better sex life than we do!


I can say the same thing!!! Many of our friends envy my relationship I have with my Princess...but I know for a fact that there is more sex going on in their houses...frustrating!!! Things have gotten better thru good communication though. There will come a point where you have to tell him that you NEED and WANT more. Get his attention. Find out his hot buttons and stoke the desire! What do you think is going on in his head?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You said he works 12-15 hours a day. Do you work ? If he works 15 hours, and has to still sleep and eat and shower, etc. How does he have time for sex ?


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## NancyfromLA (Feb 10, 2013)

I have been in your situation hun and lucky for you, you aren't even married yet! At first, I felt really bad for your fiance when you said he works 12-15 hours a day. That is a very heavy daily load which would expectantly take its toll on a man and deter him from having sex. However, when you said that you both have great communication, my sympathy shifted towards your side assuming that you voiced your concerns with him already and tried to figure out a solution. After all, a marriage is all about compromise and finding a common ground no matter what obstacles you face.

The common ground in your case would have been to find a time during the week where your fiance is not burdened with the aftermath of a long day's of work and when you are available in order for you both to have sex. I'm sure he doesn't work 12-15 hours a day 7 days a week (off on weekends?) so surely that would have been a VERY plausible solution. But the fact that you're still here looking for help tells me you either haven't discussed possible sex scheduling or have and your fiance still doesn't care enough to try more. I'm going to go with the latter. 

My ex-husband and I had been married for 8 years before he started to pull away from me intimately. I immediately voiced my concern being that I have always been an intimate person and asked him if anything was wrong. He brushed it off and said that it wasn't a big deal and that he'd come around again eventually. I was patient but after 7 months, I told him that I was really worried and that I wanted him to get checked out by a doctor to rule out any T problems. He checked out fine. About 10 months after our intimacy started dying down, I became very impatient and resented my husband. I told him that I wasn't planning on living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage with a man who tells me he loves me but doesn't try at all to show it when I really need him to. I told him I wanted to separate for a while so that we can both get our heads straight and see if our marriage was still worth fighting for. 

About 1.5 months into our separation, I became a little worried that my ex wasn't pulling his own weight and I was reading books and looking online to help fix our marriage. I decided to go on a date one night with one of my best business clients and long-time friend. It was magnificent! He showed me the happiness I had been missing from my marriage in the recent months and what I could possibly miss out on in the future. My friend and I ended up having sex by our third date and that too was incredible. He was very attentive and in sync with his and my needs. And we continued to date and sleep together for another 3 months when I realized that my husband, the man I loved dearly, wasn't going to come around. It was at that point where I decided to walk away from our marriage. He tried to feed me some empty promises and told me he loved me but I knew deep inside that he hadn't changed and that we would both be doomed if we kept what we had up. I was worried that all my frustration and hurt would lead me to have an affair later on in the future and despite how much I would resent my ex for driving me to that, I would still feel very horrible for betraying him because I did indeed love him with all my heart.

So we divorced and I continued dating my friend. And today, we are married and happier than ever  I know I am with my true soul-mate and he definitely puts in as much effort into our marriage as I do which is key for any couple's marriage to survive. I'm not telling you to follow my footsteps. Just wanted to provide a somewhat unbiased perspective on the matter. Whatever you decide, remember two things. One, you are not married YET. With this in mind, make sure to resolve your issues BEFORE making it official. And two, having a child is no excuse to be in a unhappy marriage. Mommy and daddy will still be mommy and daddy regardless if they live under the same roof or not and sooner or later your child will understand that. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Tell your husband that if he really loves you, he'll find a way. Best of luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If everything else is great about the relationship, I wouldn't be eager to bail on it. If he's working 12-15 hours a day and he's 40, he's doing well to deliver some wham bam, even if it isn't porn star quality. Might help him if he'd turn off the porn and direct what little energy and time he has toward you. 
Those are some pretty wicked hours and if he works night shift, it's even worse. You might be able to help him improve his energy and stamina through diet, excerise, maybe some vitamins, and making sure he gets as much quality sleep as possible. I've worked crazy hours like that for years but it does take a toll. 
If he wants to keep up with a 32 year old he's got to cut back on his work hours or find some ways to replenish all that energy he's expending on work. He's not a machine. 
If he's actually on the job for 15 hours, his job probably takes at least 17 hours a day (1 hr to get ready and get to work, 1 hr to drive home and just start to relax). He's got to eat and spend some time with you, so that's another couple hours. That leaves him 5 hours for sleep. By the time he hits the bed, he's been up about 18-19 hours. His mental capacity would be about that of a drunk driver if he did that just one day. If that's typical, by the end of his work week, he's doing good to just drive home without having a crash.


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