# I need help, no friends and I am sooo lost.



## Husbandinneed (Jun 2, 2010)

This is a long post, im sorry but please read it, I am hurting so bad and am so lonely.

So my wife decided to separate from me 6 weeks ago. Here is my story:

We have been together 7 years next Monday, Married 5 1/2 years. We are now 25 years old and have 2 kids (4 and 1 1/2) that are both ours and 1 (10) that is hers but he's mine too .

We had a pretty rough start as far as things go, both worked at Wal-Mart for minimum wage for 3 years, lived in apartments etc...I joined the National Guard to get some IT experience and am now working for the State making 60k a year.

My wife told me 6 weeks ago that she has taken enough from me and that I am a micromanaging, penny pinching, OCD, ADD jerk and that I have not been paying attention to her, taking care of her emotional needs and not paying attention to my children for almost 3 years now and that she wants to live for herself and make decisions for herself. She tells me that she still loves me but she is not "in love" with me and that she is separating from me but with the intent of divorce. 

She got an apartment with 2 other people from work and she spends my days off there (Sun, Mon, Tues) while I take care of the kids. For the past 6 weeks I have had very big highs and very big lows. There is an EA involved. One of the people that works for her is a 26 year old single guy that has no real responsibilities, he cant drive due to a DUI, and I believe that he lives at my wife's apartment at least a couple days a week AND he smokes which she absolutely hates (she made me quit very early in our relationship) But she texts this guy 100 plus times a day and supposedly its because shes calm when she talks to him.

I need help, I love my wife so much and so desperately and I have been working on myself, I was in a depression for the past couple years I think because I had moved up so quickly for a short period business-wise and then the past 3 years I have pretty much stagnated. I don't think that I always didn't pay attention to her or take care of her needs during this time, but I am man enough to admit that I was very cold to her and had neglected her for a lot of the time. We had a baby girl a year and a half ago and my wife tells me that she wanted to have her because she thought that I would become happy once I had my baby girl (I really wanted one). I am working on myself and have become a lot more spontaneous, less OCD etc. (I really think a lot of the problem was that I didn't realize I was depressed and my wife telling me she was leaving me snapped me out of it.) 

I want my wife back. Over the past 6 weeks I have heard from her that I need to give it 6 months to a year and become happy for myself and my kids and then maybe she might consider dating and starting over again with me, but then I have also heard that she will never be with me again (most recent) and that she told me to be happy for myself and my kids FOR myself and my kids. She says there is no "us" anymore and that there is nothing left to repair and that she wants out because she doesnt want to trust her heart to me just for me to break it again. 

A week ago was our 10 year old's Bday and we took him to the beach and rented a hotel for the night. During that time I found out that the 26 year old guy saw her naked on one of her nights away because she was changing out of her swimsuit and he walked in and that she doesn't feel bad about not telling me because it was none of my business. This infuriated me, especially since she had told me before that she wished he would make a move on her since she knows that having a physical affair would end the relationship en totale. After talking for awhile more and taking the kids out for dinner etc.. we went back to the hotel and had a couple of drinks and while the kids were sleeping, we made love.

Feeling elated after that, we woke up the next morning and she said she didn't regret the night prior and we spent the rest of the day having fun talking relatively well etc... When we got home that night, she told me that she had to go to work for a few hours and that she would be back later that night. After awhile, she texted me saying one of her female friends was having a mental breakdown and that she was going to go out for drinks but would still be home that night. I was very nice about it, "no problem, I'll see you when I see you", she never came home. This in itself wasn't a problem because she had "not come home" many times over the past 6 weeks. The next night was that friends birthday party so she didn't come home that night either. When she came home on Sunday morning to get some clothes to take to her apartment, she told me she would probably be home one of the nights that she normally wouldnt. This got me excited again. Later that day, I texted her a couple of times with some light conversation and she didn't text me so I asked if I was on ignore mode right now. She told me to chill because she was at work. After work I texted her again and no response so I asked her what was up and she said that she had nothing to say. This frustrated me and she called me, I told her that I really want to get back together and that I am willing to do whatever is necessary for her to become comfortable with me. We cried a bit and she told me that this is exactly why shes leaving, she doesn't want to do "this" anymore. At this point I told her I would give her as much space as she needed and that I wouldn't text her or talk to her on her days off.

The next day, I took the kids out and I bought her an energy drink with the intent of leaving it in her car for her to show her I was thinking of her. Lo and behold, the universe has a sense of humor and she was in the car with the OG and one of her roommates, they were going to lunch or whatever. Anyway, she was very angry with me and wanted to know why I was there, I told her and she yelled at me to leave her alone and told me to F Off in front of her friends. Later she called and told me that she doesn't want me to talk to her unless shes at home and only for the kids' sake and that we have absolutely no chance of being together again. I told her I would do what she wanted because I wanted her to be comfortable around me and that I didn't want to completely push her away. She laughed and said I had already burned that bridge.

I am beside myself with grief, I can't stop crying, I can't sleep because I worry about what shes doing, I hate myself for taking it this far when I knew she needed space before. My wife has been my muse through all of this career building, I was at tech school for 8 months and she couldnt come, I have never cheated on her and wouldnt even think of it. I love my wife with all my heart, she is my only friend and not having her to talk to and to hold is killing me. No-one at work qualifies as friend material and I don't have the time or desire to go out and try to find someone new and go through all that work just to talk to them about something as intimate as a separation. I don't have the money to go to counseling. With her apartment added, we're barely making do. I love our kids and am definitely paying more attention to them and I know she loves our kids too. I don't know how she can do this to them as she will not be seeing her kids for 3 days a week for the rest of her life. I am confused and hurt, I didn't realize I wasn't taking care of her the way she needed, she had complained about things I did and I fixed them for a few months and then fell back into my old ways. I know I am making permanent changes to me and I try to be happier around her but I can't tell if she really means what she says or if she's just saying it in the heat of being hurt. 

Can anyone please talk to me and help me out with this, I want my wife back so much it kills me. She has been pretty good to me (she has some faults too) and I just want a chance to prove to her that I can make permanent changes and be the man she wants.

Thanks.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Right now you just need to take care of yourself. No one should be without friends! Get a counselor ASAP so you have a real person to talk with, and someone who can really help. Then start working on yourself--with or without her in your life, you need to make changes to find real happiness. If you do not routinely exercise and eat healthy, start. Find a hobby that involves other, real people (meetup.com is great for that) and start getting out in the real world with others.

You'll get recommendations from other people, too, on ways to get through such a difficult time. Focusing on yourself and your kids and simply refusing to allow yourself to suffer more than 15 minutes a day is a commitment you need to make to yourself and your kids right now. Do whatever it takes to distract yourself when your mind starts to wonder to the thoughts of your fears and loss--puzzles, fixing something, whatever works for you. At first you'll spend a lot of energy just redirecting yourself away from unproductive brooding and grief, but it does get easier. And use every moment of "good" time on the things that will make a long term difference.

No one can tell you if things will change with your wife, but we can all tell you that you cannot simply wait to find out what's going to happen. You need to start moving ahead right now, one step at a time. No matter what happens in the long run, then, you will be a better, stronger person. God bless.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Husbandinneed,

Go find posts by Affaircare and Tanelornpete. Until the EA is done, nothing will work towards reconciliation. Their posts (they are a husband and wife who come on here to help others) can guide you in what you need to do regarding the EA. See Showtime's thread.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and start reading there. Also I suggest getting books such as Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants by Elliot Katz. I also suggest going to Atholk's blog -- very good at marriedmansexlife.com. 

You need to pull yourself together. Get in control of yourself and your environment. Listen to sisters -- the focus right now is on you and your kids. It will be tough but that is what you need to do. Believe less than 80% of what she says and 50% of what she does right now. She is very emotional and will do things that make no logical sense -- so logic doesn't apply. Ignore it -- tough but needed. 

Just worry about yourself.

Peace.


----------



## Husbandinneed (Jun 2, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, I read the other posts that you suggested and I am definitely working on living for myself and the kids. The problem with the EA is that she has already told me she wants a divorce and that there is no hope for our marriage, but less than a week before said that we may have hope in a year after I have made progress on myself. 

She told me that right now she is living for herself and is not willing to wait another year for me to possibly improve myself to the point of being someone that she wants to be with. At the same time she said she cant guarantee that she wont sleep with anyone else in that time. This is the woman who has been devoted our whole marriage to me and thought more than once that I had cheated on her when it couldn't be further from the truth. I logged onto our cell phone page today and in the past two days there have been 150 text messages back and forth with this other guy. 

As I am walking a tight-rope right now to just try and save our marriage, if I told her to end it, she would laugh at me and file papers. I am just so hurt and confused because I thought we were doing "alright" and then this guy came and hit me like a Mack truck.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Follow Affaircare's and Tanelornpete's advice -- find one of their posts which lays out the steps. Remember this until the EA is ended there is no hope. She is in fantasyland until that is over. While you are taking those steps you start working on improving yourself. You're going to have to dig deep and stay strong.

Good luck.

Peace.


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Husbandinneed said:


> Thanks for the advice, I read the other posts that you suggested and I am definitely working on living for myself and the kids. The problem with the EA is that she has already told me she wants a divorce and that there is no hope for our marriage, but less than a week before said that we may have hope in a year after I have made progress on myself.
> 
> She told me that right now she is living for herself and is not willing to wait another year for me to possibly improve myself to the point of being someone that she wants to be with. At the same time she said she cant guarantee that she wont sleep with anyone else in that time. This is the woman who has been devoted our whole marriage to me and thought more than once that I had cheated on her when it couldn't be further from the truth. I logged onto our cell phone page today and in the past two days there have been 150 text messages back and forth with this other guy.
> 
> As I am walking a tight-rope right now to just try and save our marriage, if I told her to end it, she would laugh at me and file papers. I am just so hurt and confused because I thought we were doing "alright" and then this guy came and hit me like a Mack truck.


ok so she told you to f*** off in front of her friends & you are ok with that ?
myfriend if you dont want to lose all your self-esteem start distancing yourself from her . Right now you sound like a needy & clingy person no woman can ever like that kind of man .

Best of luck


----------

