# I officially declare 2013 a sucky year.



## larry.gray

On July 18th, my mom lost her 18 month long battle with cancer.

Yesterday, which should have been just a happy, last visit to the OBGYN instead delivered devastating news. Instead, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed, the baby passed yesterday sometime.

We've got a nursery ready, car seat, baby stuff... and now we're at the hospital. No baby will be going home with us.


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## coffee4me

larry I'm so sorry for you and your wife. That is heartbreaking. 
You'll both be in my prayers.


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## Coffee Amore

I'm so sorry for your mother's passing and the loss of your child. That's utterly devastating.


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## LanieB

Oh Larry, I am so so sorry for you and your wife. I don't even know what to say. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

I'm sorry, I can't even imagine how you must feel. Feel free to declare it, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray

Right now just devastated. I took the car seat out last night, and put it in the nursery. I knew I won't want to look at that tonight or tomorrow when we leave.


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## Coffee Amore

Larry, I don't know if you and your wife want to do this, but I'll put this out there in case you are interested. There's a national organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, whose professional photographers offer at no cost gentle and sensitive photos of baby to parents who have experienced a loss such as yours.

https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Here's the coordinator for Oregon.

Christopher Barth
Area Coordinator
42.8 Miles
[email protected]
5038032963
5038032963
Christopher Barth Photographer | Commercial Photography Home
english


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## Ikaika

I am so sorry to hear about this Larry. You have my deepest Aloha and hope for gentle rains to brings forth a the beauty of the ʻōhiʻa lehua soon. This flower is thought to bring good blessings. And, my prayer is that the year ends with its blessings.


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## CharlieParker

That just really hard to even read, I can't imagine living it. Thinking of you.


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## mablenc

Please consider grief counseling as well. I think we all wish we were able to do more for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh

Larry, I am so sorry. Praying HARD for you and your family right now.


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## mineforever

Larry..we lost our first child a little girl at 8 months, no heart beat was found at my regular monthly appointment as well. I went into labor that evening and had what they called a "still birth". My prayers are with the two of you. It takes time to heal from the lose of a child....it is one of the most painful things a parent has to go thru. Hang in there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

Larry, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Please know that I'm thinking about you, your wife and family at this time.


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## larry.gray

Thanks for all of the well wishes. Mom is physically OK, but utterly heartbroken.


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## that_girl

Ugh  My heart goes out to you and your wife. Such a hard time.

Blessings.


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## OldGirl

Larry, I was thinking about you today, and wondering how things were going, when I came across this thread. I'm so very sorry.


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## larry.gray

Thanks again folks.

We're home with our two girls. Our son is still with my dad (he's 9). He's having a good time there so we'll leave him a few more days. Good for him and good for my dad since he's alone after the loss of my mom.

We're having little Alexander Michael cremated, and will bring his cremains home with us. If you ever want to cry for a really long time, go look at infant urns :-(

And as I'm typing this, I find out from my daughter that a friends mom just passed. I knew it was coming soon, happened on Friday too.... crap, I hate this year.


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## EI

Larry, I'm struggling to find the words to tell you how sorry I am that you and your family have suffered such heartbreaking losses. Nine years ago, I lost my brother and my father within 16 days of one another and it was devastating, but I know that it can not possibly compare to the loss of a child. 

Hold your wife, and family, extra close. Comfort one another. Give yourself time and permission to grieve and to heal. These are big losses. I will keep your family in my prayers. Again, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.


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## ScubaSteve61

I just saw this. I am so, so sorry, Larry. Prayers going out for you and yours.


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## harrybrown

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you and your wife and children will be able to draw close to each other to help the entire family with your grief. Your family will need some time to mourn together and some good times to share together.


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## southern wife

larry.gray said:


> On July 18th, my mom lost her 18 month long battle with cancer.
> 
> Yesterday, which should have been just a happy, last visit to the OBGYN instead delivered devastating news. Instead, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed, the baby passed yesterday sometime.
> 
> We've got a nursery ready, car seat, baby stuff... and now we're at the hospital. No baby will be going home with us.


How far along was she? I'm so sorry to hear this.  It is very devastating to lose your mother and a child. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

I went through the same thing back in 2005. I was 10 weeks along, went in for the appt to hear the heartbeat, but there was none. It was a horrible day. It was the same day as the big ice freeze here that froze the entire city and all it's surroundings: January 19, 2005. A day I'll never forget. The Half Inch of Snow that Paralyzed Raleigh - RaleighSkyline.com – Original Photography and Prints of the City of Raleigh, North Carolina by Matt Robinson – Raleigh Photos and Prints for Sale

After that appt, we went to Durham to visit my Dad in the hospital due to him having a heart attack. During that visit, it started to snow/sleet. We were stuck in that traffic for 9 hours trying to get back home (should have only been a 40 minute drive). All traffic was stopped for miles, cell phone services were overloaded and down. Hubs and I were in 2 separate vehicles. It was horrible.

Hang in there though. While it's hard now, it will get better. I now have a happy, healthy, smart, and very beautiful 7 year old girl.


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## Lon

Larry, you have my condolences for your losses and my prayers for the strength to go on. Take care friend.


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## Amplexor

Larry my best to you and your wife. It is incredibly difficult to navigate this but together you can support each other and grieve. My wife and I went through this several times. Once on Christmas morning. Spend as much time as you can together as a couple and family. Many here know exactly how you feel and share your pain. Good luck.


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## larry.gray

southern wife said:


> How far along was she? I'm so sorry to hear this.  It is very devastating to lose your mother and a child. You're in my thoughts and prayers!


We were two days short of her due date. He was a perfectly formed, beautiful baby boy. Looks exactly like his older brother did.


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## mablenc

It just breaks my heart, I was going to PM you but I am lost for words. Please don't forget we are all thinking about you. If there is anything I can do for you, let me know. 

I am glad you have are in good relationship. I wish you comfort soon and many blessings.


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## larry.gray

Anyone saying any of these things would probably piss me off as trying to minimize my pain. But I do have multiple things to be grateful for.

It was heartbreaking to walk out of the maternity wing empty handed. But I was going home to two beautiful girls we both love so much. If we were going home empty handed to an empty home it would be so much harder.

We left our 13 y/o daughter with a good, dear friend. She's got two boys the same age as our son and daughter and they are both close. It was a good place for her to be because that friend is a wonderful mom, plus her husband is a youth counselor. Our friend was also watching another friend of hers daughter while the that other friend went on a cruse with several other couples. We had no idea, but that friend lost twins 5 years ago at 6 months. So my daughter was leaning on a girl who went through this herself. They didn't sleep much, but they cried together... she needed to do that, and being with somebody who let her do that instead of forcing to be tough was great.

But most of all: I'm so glad my marriage is in a better place. 5 years ago this would have been the end of us. My wife voiced the same thought to me last night. I told her that she can feel whatever she feels, grieve however she needs to, and I only ask that she turns to me for comfort. That I can face any of this, so long as I know she sees me as her closest support. That's when she made the comment that 5 years ago it would have been over for us and that's she's grateful we're in a better place now.


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## larry.gray

mablenc said:


> It just breaks my heart, I was going to PM you but I am lost for words. Please don't forget we are all thinking about you. If there is anything I can do for you, let me know.
> 
> I am glad you have are in good relationship. I wish you comfort soon and many blessings.


I just want to thank all of you.

So many people around us want to do something. I understand it's their way of showing that they care. We don't really _need_ any help, but I learning to graciously accept offers of help as a way of making people feel that they've done something.

Learning just that was an experience at the hospital. We had the charge nurse for both shifts, as neither would assign another nurse to the job. Truly a sign of a good leader; taking the worst job so another wouldn't have to. Both were great, and wanting to deeply do ANYTHING they could to help. This isn't easy for any of them, it's not what they sign up to do. But they did a wonderful job, and were very caring and compassionate.

We haven't figured out how yet, but we do want to express our gratitude to them in some way.


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## southern wife

larry.gray said:


> We were two days short of her due date. He was a perfectly formed, beautiful baby boy. Looks exactly like his older brother did.


OMG I'm so sorry to hear this. Any idea at all as to what happened? I'm really sorry; I'm just in tears right now.


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## larry.gray

There is a good chance we will never know why.

The doctor noticed that the placenta was very small. It is being checked in pathology to see if they notice anything there. No cord knots. Late loss is usually either a cord knot, blood clot in the placenta, or placenta problems.


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## Ikaika

larry.gray said:


> There is a good chance we will never know why.
> 
> The doctor noticed that the placenta was very small. It is being checked in pathology to see if they notice anything there. No cord knots. Late loss is usually either a cord knot, blood clot in the placenta, or placenta problems.


I could put on my developmental biologist hat and serve up suggestions, but all that is just an academic exercise. 

On a more personal level, I truly hope for healing of your "hearts and minds". I used to work at a women and children's medical center and witnessed the heart break and guilt associated with these events. I know others have suggested it and I will echo it, seek professional counseling for both of you, if feelings become overwhelming. I lived with the guilt of making the decision of taking my sister off of life support for years before I decided I needed some council. 

Again, I send you and your family the fondest and deep felt Aloha.


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## larry.gray

Our local hospice organization offers family grief support groups. It's a 7 week class / group. We were already planning on taking the kids due to the loss of my mom. It starts in a couple of weeks. My dad already has had 3 classes and talks about how much it's helped him.

When we told our daughters we got an "UGH" but we're taking them anyway. We'll go from there to see how each handles the group.


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## WorkingOnMe

Larry, I just opened this thread for the first time and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you and your family's loss. You're in my thoughts.


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## Ikaika

larry.gray said:


> Our local hospice organization offers family grief support groups. It's a 7 week class / group. We were already planning on taking the kids due to the loss of my mom. It starts in a couple of weeks. My dad already has had 3 classes and talks about how much it's helped him.
> 
> When we told our daughters we got an "UGH" but we're taking them anyway. We'll go from there to see how each handles the group.


this really good. So glad to hear you have this available to you. Don't worry, your daughters will have a change of heart when they actually attend.


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## Coffee Amore

larry.gray said:


> Our local hospice organization offers family grief support groups. It's a 7 week class / group. We were already planning on taking the kids due to the loss of my mom. It starts in a couple of weeks. My dad already has had 3 classes and talks about how much it's helped him.
> 
> When we told our daughters we got an "UGH" but we're taking them anyway. We'll go from there to see how each handles the group.


That's a typical reaction of girls their age, but they will so benefit from age appropriate grief support. Their peers don't have the maturity and life experience to give them that kind of support at this age.


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## larry.gray

Right now the oldest is trying to check the emotions rather than letting them flow. We were already worried the most about her.

Seeing me cry has been hard on both of them. They want to think of dad as "tough" but I'm letting them know it's OK.


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## Ikaika

larry.gray said:


> Right now the oldest is trying to *check the emotions rather than letting them flow*. We were already worried the most about her.
> 
> Seeing me cry has been hard on both of them. They want to think of dad as "tough" but I'm letting them know it's OK.


This was me for years, and from personal experience it is NOT healthy. 

It sounds like you are being a healthy role model for your children. I can tell you that will go a long way in your children's lives. I am choked up by what I hear from you. I know it's hard and you have my deepest sympathy, but it also sounds as if you are doing all the right things in this worst of all situations.


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## Coffee Amore

larry.gray said:


> Right now the oldest is trying to check the emotions rather than letting them flow. We were already worried the most about her.
> 
> Seeing me cry has been hard on both of them. They want to think of dad as "tough" but I'm letting them know it's OK.


Does she have a diary or journal? Or perhaps she could open a private blog online where she can share her feelings if she's not ready yet to talk to others in the family. I also think it's healthy for them to see you deal with grief.


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## SimplyAmorous

Oh Larry.Gray ....I never knew...

Life can be so very cruel sometimes....the unfairness *screams*......It's just not supposed to happen THIS way, NO, not like this!.... there is no words, there is no understanding to WHY...it could not satisfy these empty arms even if ... We, as parents, are supposed to go 1st ...damn it. 

I read through your words here...sounds you are doing as best anyone possibly could under this devastating loss...to allow the tears to flow during this time... let them... Hold your wife, let her hold you, let her scream... you are all stumbling in the darkness right now ..but you have each other & your children... you'll find your way. 

It will take time....only time...so easy for us to say these things having never experienced anything like this...

.. Alexander Michael was very wanted & loved, this is a beautiful thing.....though it makes the pain that much deeper ...during this sensitive time of what should be right now. 

So very sorry for this loss to your family.


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## Deejo

I am very, very sorry Larry.


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## larry.gray

SimplyAmorous said:


> .. Alexander Michael was very wanted & loved, this is a beautiful thing.....though it makes the pain that much deeper ...during this sensitive time of what should be right now.


So, so true. 

We were young parents when we had our oldest. We were mainly with family at her birth. 

In the interim, we've settled and integrated into the community we live in. All the friends, acquaintances, coworkers that we've met in the nearly two decades we've been here... they all shared in the joy of this pregnancy. We've gotten the inevitable "are you nuts????" comments. But deep down, so many women ponder having more. This really was going to be a village raised child; so many people anticipated this birth with joy.


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## heartsbeating

Larry I'm so sorry.


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## Convection

LG, that is horrible, and even more so coming on the heels of your other recent loss.

Wishing for peace and blessings, such as you can find them, for you and your family.


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## tom67

Larry truly sorry for your losses I'm sorry.


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## angelpixie

Larry, I was just shocked to see this. My heart goes out to you and your wife and the rest of your family. I'm just so sorry.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Larry, I'm sorry for your loss. My wife had a miscarriage early in the pregnancy - around 10 weeks in. It was tough, but if your wife was further along that had to be devastating. That child would have been our 3rd. However, my wife did get pregnant again afterwards and we got a wonderful daughter for number 3. She would have never came into our lives if not for the tragedy of the miscarriage. I still think about what this miscarried child would have been like, but I take solace in that we have another child to fill our life.

As much as it may be painful for you now, if you try for another child again and your wife gets pregnant, then this will still be another gift that you would not have received if not for the pain and suffering you and your wife went thru.

I apologize if this sounds strange, but it's how I was able to get through our own tragedy.


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## Cee Paul

larry.gray said:


> On July 18th, my mom lost her 18 month long battle with cancer.
> 
> Yesterday, which should have been just a happy, last visit to the OBGYN instead delivered devastating news. Instead, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed, the baby passed yesterday sometime.
> 
> We've got a nursery ready, car seat, baby stuff... and now we're at the hospital. No baby will be going home with us.


All differences aside Larry my deepest condolences.

And I agree that 2013 has been a weird and sad year and it started off for me with my sister in law dying in February, then my uncle in Louisiana dies two weeks later, then in March a co-worker I was very fond of turned up missing - was found but was very ill - then we're told a week later she died suddenly in the hospital - and in June we had to put down our beloved pet Domino who had stomach cancer.


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## Jellybeans

Larry, so very sorry to hear bout your mother. I hope you find comfort in the fact she is no longer suffering and fill your heart with lovely memories of her/her love.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. 

Sometimes life slings a lot of bad at once. But it can only mean better days are to come. You have to go through the dark to get the light.

Hugs.


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## humanbecoming

I just heard about this Larry, and since we've never exchanged irl contact info, I wanted to come on here and express my condolences too. I grieve deeply for your families loses. Of the many TAM posters I've interacted with over the time I was on TAM, you were one of the ones I had tremendous respect for, and learned from frequently. The strength of your marriage today is a testament to your strength and character as a person, and I was blessed to have seen you and your wifes relationship grow through these pages. I wish you and your family strength and peace in your time of trial.


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## Jellybeans

There is a lot of love and support on this thread.

I dig it.

 

We all wish you warmth and comfort during this time, Larry.

TAMers, you're all superstars!


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## larry.gray

Well I'm worried about my oldest but feel good about my second (17 y/o girl and 13 y/o girl).

The oldest is still trying to be "tough" and not react much. We'll figure out how to get it out of her yet.

My MIL was planning on taking the kids up into the mountains to a small lake to camp and fish for a few days before school started. They've made it a tradition for the last few years. So they were getting ready to go, and our 13 y/o just started bawling. I sat with her and held her alone for a good half hour of sobbing. She said that she didn't want to be away from us two.... so we're going to figure out something fun to do with her today. She said that she doesn't like seeing her brother and sister act like it was nothing, and would rather be with us.


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## Jellybeans

You sound like a good father. It's nice that you have some alternative plans, or are thinking about some to do with her. 

She prob just wants comfort in the form of spending time with her family. Aww.


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## Maricha75

Larry, I haven't been in this section in awhile, so just saw this thread. I am so sorry for your family. I can't imagine going through this, so far along. My heart goes out to you all.


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## Gabriel

Larry I am so sorry for your losses. May you find peace in this time of sadness. I hope there are some support groups in your area - this is not something to go through without some help.

God Bless.


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## heartsbeating

Jellybeans said:


> You sound like a good father. It's nice that you have some alternative plans, or are thinking about some to do with her.
> 
> She prob just wants comfort in the form of spending time with her family. Aww.


I can't even imagine what you're going through and to still be there for the rest of your family to help them through...to help each other, you sound like an amazing father.


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## Cee Paul

I am quite confident Larry that this is exactly where your child ended up, and will be waiting for you whenever it's your turn.


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## TCSRedhead

My heartfelt sorrow goes out to you and your family Larry. I pray for healing for you.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm so sorry - I just opened this thread up. I'm sure any loss of a child is terrible but so close to her due date is utterly heartbreaking, I'm sure. My thoughts are with you and your family.


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## committed4ever

Larry, I'm hardly ever here can't even remember how I got to this thread. But I'm SO SO sorry for your family's loss. I pray for healing for you. You will be in my thought and prays.


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## golfergirl

So very sorry for your losses. I too lost a advanced maternal age pregnancy at 26 weeks in to the pregnancy. It took a very long time to get over and Oct. 25th, still remember. This old bird went on to have 2 healthy boys after the fact. It isn't the solution for everyone and some people chose to wait, but part of my healing was trying to get pregnant as soon as I got the medical go-ahead. I know the feeling of leaving empty handed and putting away the stuff. I also know what is was like explaining to older children. The heart heals, but you never get over the loss of a child. Give your wife a big hug for me and one for you too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul

One of my sisters has 3 beautiful healthy kids who are all now teenagers ages 19 - 17 - and 14, but the process of having them was a really rough one because in between having them there were also 2 miscarriages as well.


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## Malaise

Just saw this

So sorry, Larry


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## Gaia

Same here... Willing things to get better for you larry.


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## happyman64

Wow Larry,

Just saw this thread. Very sorry to hear.

My wife suffered a miscarriage between my 1st and 2nd daughter so I know the feelings you guys are going through.

Your family is in my prayers.

HM64


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## Oldrandwisr

Larry,

I've been gone way too long on vacation. So sorry I didn't see it until today. I felt so heartbroken reading this. 

Wish there was a way you could take a break from grief. You are on the right track with the counseling service. Thank you for sharing such a difficult situation. 

We are here with you through any tough times.


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## larry.gray

Just had the interview today with the grief counselor. They want to prep the leaders of the various groups so they know what's coming. My son will be in a 8-12 y/o group and both girls will be in a teen group.


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## badcompany

I'm so sorry Larry.
Both my kids are absolute animals(we call my 16 month old son the "destroyer"), but I can't imagine life without them.


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## Lordhavok

sorry larry, hang in there man


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## ShockwaveRider

larry.gray said:


> On July 18th, my mom lost her 18 month long battle with cancer.
> 
> Yesterday, which should have been just a happy, last visit to the OBGYN instead delivered devastating news. Instead, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. An ultrasound confirmed, the baby passed yesterday sometime.
> 
> We've got a nursery ready, car seat, baby stuff... and now we're at the hospital. No baby will be going home with us.


Good Lord Larry.

That's most savagely heart-breaking thing I've ever READ.

I've been avoiding TAM (for obvious reasons) and then was just checking back and find THIS.

You're right; 2013 has blown beyond BELIEF.

Shockwave


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## moto164

Sorry Larry
Will pray for you and your family


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## 2galsmom

Larry 2013 is almost over, I am so sorry to read what you went through. I hope 2014 is better for you and everyone on this board.


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## larry.gray

Thanks again folks.

We had a pretty good first grief counseling session. The kids didn't want to go, but they made it fun so they want to go back.

Talk about frigging depressing stories though... We had a mom and daughter there. The husband / dad died, and then the son / brother committed suicide.


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## southern wife

Larry,

I just wanted to see how you, the wife, and kids are doing.


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## larry.gray

Doing OK. We have our 6 week followup appointment tomorrow. Lots of questions, and I kinda figure there's probably not going to be a lot of answers.

We've had two of the counseling sessions now, the kids seem to like them. The adult groups are rather intense! I do feel bad for a couple of ladies that are dealing with insensitive husbands....

Our middle kid is rather sensitive at the moment. Our marriage is pretty good now, but she's still insecure from before. Dang, it's been three years now, but she's still sensitive. Our son was being a royal PIA this morning getting ready for school. Neither of us were upset with each other, but both of us were on him hard. She kind of broke down, all stemming from when we were at each other before. She just needs time I'm sure.


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## Anon Pink

Wow, Larry I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain and always feel so guilty because I am so grateful that I have no personal experience with the pain of losing a child. 

It feels like little Michael Alexander was to be the child of the new and improved Mr and Mrs Larry. I don't know what took place in your marriage before but I hope Michael Alexander's legacy lives on. The product of love equals a baby, 1+1=3. I hope things get easier for you both.

I was very lucky during my anim horriblis, the school responded and started a grief group built around kids with sick parents, then they started a group for kids dealing with grief and loss. Both groups were very helpful and of course my daughter loved being pulled out of class! I'm glad you made your kids attend the grief group. It was a very smart thing to do.


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## Micfhelle

You'll both be in my prayers.


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## larry.gray

I'm in the 3rd last time zone to enter 2014. I've got 5 minutes left, and I just want to say:

HEY 2013

KISS MY ASS

Welcome to 2014 folks. May it be a better year for you all.


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## Malaise

Best wishes to you and your family for 2014.


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## larry.gray

Well the latest update to this is: Mrs. Gray is now with child!

We're expecting next May.


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## GusPolinski

Congrats!!! That's great news!!!


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## Malaise

Congratulations!!!


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## OldGirl

Wonderful news! Very happy for you


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## SimplyAmorous

....And how many kids will this one make Larry Gray ?


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## larry.gray

SimplyAmorous said:


> ....And how many kids will this one make Larry Gray ?


This will be #5.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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