# Interesting blog post



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I read blogs on a pretty regular basis, and my favorite one is TheDailyLove.com

I read this one today, and it made me think about all of us here who are going through the same thing. I'm hoping you can benefit from it like I have.

This blog was inspired by two comments friends made to me last week:

My friend Lisa said, ” You are so gifted at finding your ex-husbands” and my friend KT said, “Your divorce is better than my marriage”. Yep, that’s true.

Both of my ex-husbands are dear friends.

People say divorce is failure but you know what, miserable marriage or relationship is a worse failure in my book. I find it funny when people brag about how long they’ve been together. “We have been married for 31 years”, my parents’ friends always say. And I always answer: “great, and are you happy?”

Are you getting up when he says, hey, there is a cool boat passing by? Are you genuinely feeling moved when she kisses you? Are you clear of resentments over the years that when you do something for one another, it is so filled with grace and joy that you cry just at the idea that she is going to be surprised or he is going to be happy. Are you wanting to jump each other’s bones without needing to remember that girl who walked by this afternoon or fantasizing about stuff you wish he said to you but he doesn’t?

Are you laughing for real when he tells a joke? Are you so excited to come home the second you leave the house?

Because if not living that, or your sexy, thrilled, thriving version of that, you are just sharing space and expenses. And I don’t really care how long you can bear to do that for. It does not inspire me or make the needle move forward for anyone. And whatever story you have told yourself for a while, it is not better for the kids. It sure is not better for you or anyone around you. It is not good for your creativity, your life force, your health, your joy. Nope. It sucks life out of you faster than anything.

I am not saying jump ship the second it feels not fun. If you do leave, it has to be with the absolute certainty that you have done everything possible to create your thriving life with one another. So, here is how I see it. You are either living a life that you can’t wait to jump out of bed for, or you are very actively involved in creating one. Or you are grieving that it won’t happen and you are packing you bags.

*So yes. I prefer successful divorce to miserable marriage. Shoot me. Or stand right by me.

- Spend time alone and honestly wonder how you feel about the relationship you are in. Imagine all the goodness you would like to have in that relationship. If there is a big gap between what is and what you wish it to be, start imagining every day what you would like instead.

- Feed the possibility, imagine the best, and don’t quit because you have not found what you are looking for.

- If you decide to leave, make a list of all the goodness you shared and feel gratitude for that.

- Take deep breath in the process of making your decisions. Allow for space to guide you and for intuition to do its thing.

- Some feelings might be stirred, and we go to great length to avoid feeling what we don’t like to feel, failure, fear, loneliness… Don’t avoid them. Breathe through them. Build a muscle; build stamina for what makes you uncomfortable. That is how you build more strength.

- Focus on things that bring you joy: your work, your health, your friends maybe. Maybe start that painting class you have always wanted to do.

- Stay with yourself while you do that; go inside and check in and keep imaging what you would like instead. You might be surprised, your partner may start changing or you may start to feel at ease with the idea of leaving.

Change can be scary, but staying in a relationship where you are not thriving is scary as well. Take steps and see where that takes you. You deserve to thrive. You are the one that can make the changes to bring more happiness into your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

> - Spend time alone and honestly wonder how you feel about the relationship you are in. Imagine all the goodness you would like to have in that relationship. If there is a big gap between what is and what you wish it to be, start imagining every day what you would like instead.


That's a really good point. I often have to step back and realize I'm not crying over a great marriage over here.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I visit that site every day. It always has positive messages and let's face it, I could use more positive in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

Thank you so much for this post! My husband and I are starting the divorce process and we both want to do it civilally. We want to try to remain best friends and do not believe our marriage was a failure, but a learning lesson. Who knows, maybe we will reunite in the future but right now we need to find ourselves again.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Would you elaborate more about your situation kristen? I felt my stbx was my bestest friend ever and now I don't know how that would ever work after this divorce.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

staircase said:


> Would you elaborate more about your situation kristen? I felt my stbx was my bestest friend ever and now I don't know how that would ever work after this divorce.


Our main focus is our unborn child. I can still talk to him about everything and have no issue holding back what is on my mind, and he is the same way. We let eachother vent, act a little irrational, then ask to try to see it from the other point of view. Who knows, in the future it may not be like this. Also right now, neither of us want another relationship so we don't have to talk about that sort of thing; but we do want to have a relationship where we can talk to the other about a relationship we are persuing with another person.


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## kristen11 (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm also not out to take him for everything he is worth. We are splitting everything we have pretty much right down the middle.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Kristen, I tried splitting everything right down the middle today. It didn't work out well, we got hung up on disagrrements about which debts the money should go to. Then she got ugly with me. I will try again tomorrow to see if she reacts the same. If so, i am afraid i am going to have to lawyer up. I thought it was going to be easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goingthroughpain (Aug 16, 2012)

DelinquentGurl said:


> - Spend time alone and honestly wonder how you feel about the relationship you are in. Imagine all the goodness you would like to have in that relationship. If there is a big gap between what is and what you wish it to be, start imagining every day what you would like instead.
> 
> - If you decide to leave, make a list of all the goodness you shared and feel gratitude for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for this DelinquentGurl. Even in my awful circumstances, I do feel as though I was stagnated a little in the relationship. It's hard when the connection becomes financial or just the kids, or when your partner checks out.

One of the first things I did when she filed was write a letter to her. It took a while to get the tone right, but essentially it was, "You see only negatives. Well, these are the positives I remember." If she chooses to make this "You were evil and I hate you", that's fine, but I'm not going to be brought into that.

After all, if the only thing we made out this relationship were two beautiful, healthy, curious, intelligent girls, that's enough.


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