# prostitutes



## puppylove (Aug 20, 2015)

Hi all,
I just found some messages on my husband's phone that sounded a lot like he was meeting up with a prostitute. After searching the number, it turns out that's exactly what it was. I just don't know how this could happen. We've been married for over 9 years and just had a baby 9 months ago. I haven't been able to go through all of the numbers in our phone records, but so far it looks as though it started in april and there have been five encounters.

I am numb right now. Our marriage has had it's issues and I have trust issues stemming from my childhood. He knows about these. I have told him repeatedly that I'm so worried he's going to wake up and see he's made a mistake and find someone new. How could he have done this?

An issue he has with me is that I don't keep the house clean enough for him. I think that causes him a lot of stress. My issue is, we don't have sex enough. It's been years and years and years since I have felt fulfilled emotionally and physically. It isn't only about reaching an orgasm it's about the connection you get from a healthy sex life. Anyone who hasn't been through this will not understand. It got to where I just didn't want him even touching me. He still never initiated and when I tried he'd get mad. I admit, I gave up on trying. I'd tell him things need to change and give him suggestions on what he could do but he never did anything. I just feel so betrayed. I should have left him years ago and gotten into a healthier relationship but I stayed because I love him and his problem was supposedly medical. 

Because of our history this betrayal seems cruel. He knew exactly how our lack of intimacy made me feel. He held me plenty of nights while I sobbed and told him how unloved and useless I felt. I know it sounds silly but like I said, if you havn't been with someone who you felt wasn't attracted to you, you won't understand. Our relationship isn't based on sex. In fact, I think my drive is on the low side. I'd bee happy with once or twice a week. Skipping a week or two here and there wouldn't be an issue.

Sorry this is long. I guess I just needed to vent. Anyone else been in this situation?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

puppylove said:


> Hi all,
> I just found some messages on my husband's phone that sounded a lot like he was meeting up with a prostitute. After searching the number, it turns out that's exactly what it was. I just don't know how this could happen. We've been married for over 9 years and just had a baby 9 months ago. I haven't been able to go through all of the numbers in our phone records, but so far it looks as though it started in april and there have been five encounters.
> 
> I am numb right now. Our marriage has had it's issues and I have trust issues stemming from my childhood. He knows about these. I have told him repeatedly that I'm so worried he's going to wake up and see he's made a mistake and find someone new. How could he have done this?
> ...


As bad as I feel for you right now, I have to admit I'm mildly amused that you assume that people here can't relate or won't understand . Nothing could be further from the truth, and you aren't silly, my goodness!

Get a good attorney is my advice to you. And get tested for STDs stat! So sorry you're here .


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

puppylove said:


> Hi all,
> I just found some messages on my husband's phone that sounded a lot like he was meeting up with a prostitute. After searching the number, it turns out that's exactly what it was. I just don't know how this could happen. ....I haven't been able to go through all of the numbers in our phone records, but so far it looks as though it started in april and there have been five encounters.
> 
> ....Our marriage has had it's issues and I have trust issues stemming from my childhood. He knows about these. *I have told him repeatedly that I'm so worried he's going to wake up and see he's made a mistake and find someone new. How could he have done this?*
> ...


Venting is fine and useful.

However, I do have a few questions for you to think carefully about. First, are you absolutely 100% sure he saw a prostitute and had sexual intercourse with her, some men really do just talk or get off on things that their wives will not do for them and they are too afraid to tell their wives. There are a lot of dominatrix out there that men pay to do really weird things to them and none of them involve sex.

Second, if you had problems in your marriage, why did you let them fester? Why didn't you seek marriage counseling? 

Third, would seeing a prostitute 5 times be a marriage killer to you if he repented and promised to never do it again and you believed him? Really think about what it would mean to you and your child to never have your husband as a full partner in your lives. If he did, is that what you really want?

Why were you looking at his phone records? Did you feel there was a problem? If you felt there was a problem did you want to confirm it and if so why?

Finally, don't assume you know exactly what happened, their might be an explanation that would not destroy your marriage. Then again, you might be absolutely right in your fears. It would be best to find out what really happened.

Since you have a child, yes get tested for STD's also find out about the divorce and child support laws in your state. 

However, I would suggest that you also have an open discussion with your husband where you tell him that you did some snooping you were not proud of and found some phone messages on his phone that you find troubling. TELL HIM you don't fully know what they were or what happened, but if the two of you are to have an ongoing full marriage he needs to go with you to a marriage councilor and the two of you need to address your issues and build a trusting relationship.

Good luck to you. Get some professional help.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, have you found out who this prostitute is? Is it a woman or man?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am sorry you are here. I went through the same thing this year. Husband was rejecting me and it turns out he would rather pay for sex with strangers than have it with me.

However, I have a very strong personality, high confidence and am very independent. So don't think for a minute that he did this because you have low self-esteem. This is HIS issue.

If you want to PM me feel free. I do know exactly how you feel.

Hugs


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

OP, you are not alone. I too have a husband who didn't want me but could cheat. And after putting up with his crap he's the one who left me. 

Personally, I say get a lawyer. If he's calling prostitutes, he's having sex with them. Suggesting otherwise is crazy. 

But more importantly, get a lawyer because you are in a miserable marriage. And it's not going to get better with a baby. 

Don't confront him before finding out your rights, so that you can make an informed decision. Then get yourself to counseling so you can work on your self esteem issues. You have a baby that you need to be a role model for. And being the betrayed wife with no self esteem is not a great role model.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Puppylove, I don't have much time right now but wanted to let you know I relate. I'm also a betrayed wife. I'm very similar to you - moderate drive, have been desiring a healthy sex life with my husband for YEARS, he never ever ever initiates and rejects me 99% of the time when I do, his complaint with me is that I don't keep the house pristine....and he also cheated on me sexually. I relate to everything you say, and I'm honestly taken aback by how similar our situations are. I'll check back in later with more advice / insight. Take care of yourself.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Std test then get a std test and a std test sorry you got to look out for you because hubby isn't and I forgot get a std test

Dont be a sick puppy get a std test

Sorry about that but you got to stay healthy for your kids first and cut the dead weight second


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So so sorry, what a terrible thing to do.
Draw up divorce papers and go for a medical check up.
Serve him with the papers. This kind of man is not and never will be good husband material. You do not want your child being 
brought up by him.
Do you have close friends or family near by you can confide in, to help you through this time. You should also consider IC for now and your childhood issues. Important to get yourself together for the future without WH.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

So he's been neglecting you, criticising you and now seeing prostitues. What a gem. NOT. 

Please move on and away from this awful man. 

You deserve to be truly loved and cherished. 

It will seem hard but once you do it, you will wonder why you waited so long. 

Don't let him sweep this under the carpet or blame you.


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## puppylove (Aug 20, 2015)

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and I'm very sorry to see so many people who can relate. This truly sucks. I honestly never expected him to go outside of our marriage because supposedly he has low testosterone which causes him to have a very low sex drive. I was just looking at old messages just for fun. I do that all the time on my phone. 
We have been through counseling because I was having trouble dealing with his anger and the way he treated my mom. I am ashamed to say that I let him ruin our relationship. We never had a close one but we had one that worked. Now we don't even speak to each other. In fact, I told her what was going on and she laughed so I guess she's feeling good about what's going on. I hadn't spoken to her in months and after hearing her laugh I don't have a desire to any time soon.
I am sure he met with more than one prostitute because of text messages and phone records. Plus on the same day there was a withdrawal of money which I'm sure was to pay them. I know my husband enough to know that he wouldn't pay that much money to hold hands and sing kumbaya so I'm fairly certain he had sex. I wasn't there, but you know, what else would you do for an hour with a prostitute?
Even though we did counseling, it didn't last before he said it was a waste of time and stopped going. I've asked repeatedly if we could go back but he always said no. Even if he did agree to counseling, this is not something I could forgive. To let me be so unhappy and unloved for so many years while he's off paying someone to do what I am begging him to do is unforgivable. Not to mention the fact that he risked mine and my daughter's health. 
I am sure he will try to blame me and lie his way out. Him blaming me for everything was another reason I wanted to stay in counseling. He even blamed our daughter when he almost dropped her when she was 3 months old because she moved. 
I can't believe what I put up with only to have this happen. I thought he loved me but there's no way he could think very highly of me at all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is cheating on you.

Get STD tests and arrange an appointment with a divorce lawyer.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

puppylove said:


> Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and I'm very sorry to see so many people who can relate. This truly sucks. I honestly never expected him to go outside of our marriage because supposedly he has low testosterone which causes him to have a very low sex drive. I was just looking at old messages just for fun. I do that all the time on my phone.
> We have been through counseling because I was having trouble dealing with his anger and the way he treated my mom. I am ashamed to say that I let him ruin our relationship. We never had a close one but we had one that worked. Now we don't even speak to each other. In fact, I told her what was going on and she laughed so I guess she's feeling good about what's going on. I hadn't spoken to her in months and after hearing her laugh I don't have a desire to any time soon.
> I am sure he met with more than one prostitute because of text messages and phone records. Plus on the same day there was a withdrawal of money which I'm sure was to pay them. I know my husband enough to know that he wouldn't pay that much money to hold hands and sing kumbaya so I'm fairly certain he had sex. I wasn't there, but you know, what else would you do for an hour with a prostitute?
> Even though we did counseling, it didn't last before he said it was a waste of time and stopped going. I've asked repeatedly if we could go back but he always said no. Even if he did agree to counseling, this is not something I could forgive. To let me be so unhappy and unloved for so many years while he's off paying someone to do what I am begging him to do is unforgivable. Not to mention the fact that he risked mine and my daughter's health.
> ...


Wow. Everything is everyone's fault *except* his own, huh? It sounds like in the long run you and your daughter will be much better off to have less contact with him.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Be sure to find out if his solicitation of prostitutes will make a difference in the divorce or determination of custody, and if so, play this close to the chest and try to get proof.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

At this point in time, if at all possible, leave. Get an attorney, let them get the paperwork going for support... and just get out. Next, set up some counseling for yourself. Someone to talk to and who can help you cope in the traumatic time. For now, don't even think of reconciliation (if ever). If it does, that is many months away. You need to work on you right now for your sake and the sake of the kid(s). You need time to think clearly- and you can't do that with your spouse around.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

puppylove said:


> Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and I'm very sorry to see so many people who can relate. This truly sucks. I honestly never expected him to go outside of our marriage because supposedly he has low testosterone which causes him to have a very low sex drive. I was just looking at old messages just for fun. I do that all the time on my phone.
> We have been through counseling because I was having trouble dealing with his anger and the way he treated my mom. I am ashamed to say that I let him ruin our relationship. We never had a close one but we had one that worked. Now we don't even speak to each other. In fact, I told her what was going on and she laughed so I guess she's feeling good about what's going on. I hadn't spoken to her in months and after hearing her laugh I don't have a desire to any time soon.
> I am sure he met with more than one prostitute because of text messages and phone records. Plus on the same day there was a withdrawal of money which I'm sure was to pay them. I know my husband enough to know that he wouldn't pay that much money to hold hands and sing kumbaya so I'm fairly certain he had sex. I wasn't there, but you know, what else would you do for an hour with a prostitute?
> Even though we did counseling, it didn't last before he said it was a waste of time and stopped going. I've asked repeatedly if we could go back but he always said no. Even if he did agree to counseling, this is not something I could forgive. To let me be so unhappy and unloved for so many years while he's off paying someone to do what I am begging him to do is unforgivable. Not to mention the fact that he risked mine and my daughter's health.
> ...


I hope your mum and you will reconcile, maybe she never really liked him and feels justified in her opinion. Nevertheless now is a time to mend those bridges, your WH is not worth losing your family over.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

puppylove said:


> ....I am sure he met with more than one prostitute because of text messages and phone records. Plus on the same day there was a withdrawal of money which I'm sure was to pay them. I know my husband enough to know that he wouldn't pay that much money to hold hands and sing kumbaya so I'm fairly certain he had sex. *I wasn't there, but you know, what else would you do for an hour with a prostitute?*
> 
> Even though we did counseling, it didn't last before he said it was a waste of time and stopped going. I've asked repeatedly if we could go back but he always said no. *Even if he did agree to counseling, this is not something I could forgive. *To let me be so unhappy and unloved for so many years while he's off paying someone to do what I am begging him to do is unforgivable. Not to mention the fact that he risked mine and my daughter's health.
> 
> *I am sure he will try to blame me and lie his way out.* Him blaming me for everything was another reason I wanted to stay in counseling. He even blamed our daughter when he almost dropped her when she was 3 months old because she moved....


I feel very sorry for your situation. Be confident that you will heal and become a better stronger person and find love. 

If what you post is what you feel, then it is time to find both an attorney and get some individual counseling for yourself.

Do not let yourself feel like a victim. You can take your anger and transform it into motivation to change yourself for the better.

Also do not demonize your about to be ex-husband. At some point 20 years from now you might have to stand in line with him at your child's wedding. 

There are stages to grieving and one of them includes anger. The ultimate stage is acceptance and moving on with your life. Please seek help in grieving for your lost marriage.

At some point when you get over your shock and anger you may want to do some introspection to see (with the help of a counselor) how you could have done things differently in your relationship so that in your next relationship you will not repeat any of the same mistakes. Again, while it is tempting to blame your about to be ex-husband for everything, take the time to make this a growing experience for yourself, so you can have an even better life.

While your mind is made up, I would again point out that some men do pay women a lot of money for things other than traditional intercourse sex.

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081014220311AA10z6M


Good luck to you. Again, things will get better.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

puppylove said:


> It got to where *I* just *didn't want* him even touching me. *He* still never initiated and *when I tried he'd get mad*.


So who stopped when? The chronology isn't clear.


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## puppylove (Aug 20, 2015)

I never stopped asking for sex. It just got to where I didn't want to because of the constant regection. It took years to start feeling like that and I'd say it's been around a year that I haven't wanted to do anything with him. Maybe a little longer. I'm not trying to make him the villain. I'm just mad because I feel I have tried so hard to make this relationship work. Now that I think back, it seems that only I have been trying to make him happy. I've been sacrificing so much even though I haven't been happy for a long time. I've thought of leaving before but I couldn't hurt him. I just imagined him sad and alone and couldn't do that to him. Now that I know he's more than capable of getting his needs met i'm totally fine leaving and doing what I need to be happy once more. I have a lot of counselling ahead of me because I have some baggage from my childhood to deal with along with this new betrayal. It will only make me a better mom in the long run so I'm looking forward to it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

puppylove said:


> I never stopped asking for sex. *It just got to where I didn't want to* because of the constant regection. It took years to start feeling like that and I'd say it's been *around a year that I haven't wanted to do anything with him. *Maybe a little longer. I'm not trying to make him the villain. I'm just mad because I feel I have tried so hard to make this relationship work. Now that I think back, it seems that only I have been trying to make him happy. I've been sacrificing so much even though I haven't been happy for a long time. I've thought of leaving before but I couldn't hurt him. I just imagined him sad and alone and couldn't do that to him.* Now that I know he's more than capable of getting his needs met i'm totally fine leaving and doing what I need to be happy once more.* I have a lot of counselling ahead of me because I have some baggage from my childhood to deal with along with this new betrayal. It will only make me a better mom in the long run so I'm looking forward to it.


Sounds like your mind is made up and that you are going to do some IC so you can make changes in yourself. That is really important.

My experience is that it takes two to make and destroy a marriage. You probably have done some things that have helped unravel your marriage. The IC will allow you to learn what they are so that you don't repeat them in your next relationship.

Good luck.


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