# Help! My lying reopened the scars of my emotional affair



## myfault (Nov 21, 2008)

My husband and I are madly in love with each other even after 22 years of marriage. But he asked for a divorce two nights ago because he caught me in another lie. I could see him struggling about this decision and I’m so scared that he would go through with it. Ten years ago I had a mostly internet affair with my ex fiancé. I say mostly internet because he lives overseas and we only saw each other once or twice a year in a span of three years. We got physical twice but never went all the way. It was mostly talk and emotional connections because we shared the same religion, the one thing missing from my marriage. Because of this, it didn’t even occurred to me that what we were doing was considered an affair. And because I was the one who came to my husband and confessed everything and stopped the contact, he eventually forgave me and stayed with me. I would never forget the pain in his eyes and the agony we both went through.

Fast forward to today... a high school reunion made my path cross the other man’s path again. My husband repeatedly asked me not to make contact and not to talk to him but I broke that promise when I found out that the other man recently had a by pass surgery at 47 and almost died from it. I felt bad and want to make sure he is alright and that it would be fine for him to join our yahoo group even though I am there. I only ask that he be civil and refrain from talking to me at any cause. What was supposed to be one e-mail, went on for a month. He had many questions and obviously angry with me for terminating all contacts previously. I pretty much listened trying not to aggravate him because of his heart condition, but gently saying how much I love my husband and kids and that I am very happy with my life now. I asked him to open a YM account under different name so we can chat and this is the e-mail my husband saw. We chatted about three times before that email and it became very clear to me that I was a fool to have been in any kind of relationship with this man at all. I shouldn’t have initiated the contact. I should’ve honored my husband’s request. Sadly, I broke a promise to my husband to finally free myself of any hold this man had on me. And my husband took this as me choosing the other man over him. The deep cut of 7 years ago reopened and he is in turmoil right now. I am scared that he would leave me this time and be true to his words. He said that he needs a wife he could trust and that loving me is no longer enough. What’s sad is our marriage is at its peak right now. We are having wonderful sex, we love being with each other, we still laugh and chase each other around, and we have dreams of getting old together. We have four girls and they all love their dad dearly, he’s the best dad in my book. I don’t understand why I broke my promise and lied about it when he confronted me. I thought that I was taking care of a situation properly and sparing my husband the pain... but I was so wrong! One stupid move and I may have destroyed our happy home. My husband is my everything. I don’t want to lose him. He did agreed with a couples counseling when I asked him yesterday. What can I do except wait for his decision... He said that he needs to be the one and only man in my life. I believe he is right that I held on to the other man, but I disagree that there was a doubt that my husband was always number one in my heart ever since I married him. 

I also know that my religion was a huge factor why the other man got back in my life to begin with. My husband never shared my religious beliefs and the other man did. But that factor has been removed ever since I left my religion. So what I’m saying is, there is no other man now and there will be no one else but my husband in my life. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that I held on to the other man before but I am free of him. The big question is, why I had the need to make contact with this man when I am happy and content with my husband? What was it that I wanted to fill that was so important that I was willing to risk my husband getting hurt again?
There is so much pain right now and I am hoping that counseling will help especially him. It kills me to see him in this much pain and yet I’m the reason for all these problems. . I just hope that my husband gives me another chance and if he doesn’t, I only have me to blame. Thank you for reading.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Move forward with the counseling to help you both heal. This is likely to get rougher before it gets better. You have already shown your regret here in rekindling the relationship. The lying to your husband was likely more damaging to your marriage then the contact. Trust can be rebuilt but will take time. Ask your husband what he needs in order to feel trust for you again. Access to your phone, computer…..? You will need complete openness with him. It is positive that he is willing to go to counseling. A successful 20+ year marriage will not be easy for him to end. Since he is still with you and looking at counseling shows he is not ready to let go. He’s angry and he has a right to be, but he’s not given up at this point.


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## myfault (Nov 21, 2008)

Amplexor, thank you for your quick reply. You are right about the lying being more hurtful because that's the issue he is having trouble dealing with. He doesn't know how to trust me again and he said that if he can't figure out a way to do that, he will have to leave me even if he still loves me. I just can't believe I could be so stupid and careless about his feelings... I've learned my lesson, now I just hope it's not too late. I already started being transparent with all I do. I gave him my passwords and explained to him how chat works and I call him and check in twice a day. I did it before when this first happened and I can even be more open about everything. Our other problem is time... I've been so busy with school, I went back to finish my degree, that he's been feeling neglected. So I'm trying to change that too. I just hope he can see that I'm trying all that I can to help him get through the hurt and that I am truly sorry. I don't want to lose him. We have four daughters who will be devastated.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amplexor said:


> Move forward with the counseling to help you both heal. This is likely to get rougher before it gets better. You have already shown your regret here in rekindling the relationship. The lying to your husband was likely more damaging to your marriage then the contact. Trust can be rebuilt but will take time. Ask your husband what he needs in order to feel trust for you again. Access to your phone, computer…..? You will need complete openness with him. It is positive that he is willing to go to counseling. A successful 20+ year marriage will not be easy for him to end. Since he is still with you and looking at counseling shows he is not ready to let go. He’s angry and he has a right to be, but he’s not given up at this point.


:iagree:

draconis


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

I hope you have told him everything you are telling us . Communication and time are the two things most likely to heal his pain . He is hurt and that is probably going to play heavily on his emotions , he is going to to go through alot of emotioins right now, hurt ,anger ,resentment and this will effect his self esteem . The only thing you can do is continue living transparent and with this , it will help him regain trust . 

counselling would be good ,and it will show him your really willing to do what it takes , this will be hard ,but your gonna have to live your life for awhile under "his terms". Im sure he feels the same way i did , "she can live by my rules or she can go . Thats not to say that you have to take "abuse " in any way . But he is the one who was betrayed and he has to be the one to forgive . 

In my situation , there was neglect on my part ,so it was partially my fault, that things got to where they did . I have been working on my faults and my wife is being patient with me , I am going to have trust issues for a long time , but her showing her true remorse has helped alot . 

when someting is said or done that makes me uncomfortable ,i just tell her and she tries to understand , and this is something you will have to do as well . Its harsh , but down here in the south , they call it "taking your lumps". 

My wife will tell you, i was unbearable at first , but when i realized i wanted things to be resolved ,it got better everyday ,and i hope the same will happen in your situation


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## myfault (Nov 21, 2008)

Tarheel68, Thank you so much for this insight and advice. It helps a lot to hear how you were feeling and what went on inside. I could see the agony my husband is going through but when I asked, he said he couldn't explain it but there's an internal dialog going on inside his head and it's trying to decide whether to stay with me or file for a divorce. In the meantime, we have to pretend all is well for our four daughter's sake especially with the holidays coming up. He said that if he decides to leave, we will wait for the holidays to be over with before we break the news to our kids. 

We went to counseling last night for the first time in our lives and it was very helpful to me. He said it didn't make a difference to him. I told him again, in front of the counselor, that I am prepared to be as transparent as I could be and am willing to do anything to rebuild his trust in me again. Sometimes I don't know if I should leave him alone completely and give him space to think, and sometimes I just want to hold him and be in his face to show him I'm still here and am not going anywhere. I guess a little bit of both would be just right and I will need a lot of patience.

But another thing happened after counseling. I'm thinking logically again because I finally wrapped my brain around the fact that he may decide to leave and I have to prepare myself. I've started looking at jobs available, I'm a student right now. Finish school next semester and move to an apartment close to work. I've also decided that even if he leaves me, my quest to get him back won't stop there. I will wait for him and not date around until he finds someone else. 

So thank you again for your reply. Your wife is a lucky woman in that you were able to forgive her and save your marriage. I hope that someday, I will have some positive things to share also.


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