# Curious?!?!?!?



## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Okay - I got to thinking about this whole porn issue. I guess this question is more for the guys - how would you feel about your wife, gf, etc having a secret life of porn, cyber sex with other men, etc. Hide it, lie about it - get mad when you quesion it. Please honestly reflect on this and give your "honest" opinion. I know what my H's response would be but I am curious what your response would be before I post his.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's not a male gender thing. Of course he is being a jerk. 

He's doing inappropriate things and knows it. His offensive defense of himself is from the cheater's playbook.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I have no problem with my wife watchin porn, we watch it together sometimes too. She has much freakier tastes than I do, but I watch hers with her anyway.

Cybersex is a no go but I dont mind if she talks dirty to other guys online just so long as 1) there is no masturbation w other ppl online and 2) they have never met and will never meet in real life. Its one thing to be anonimus and flirty, quite another to use another person to get your jollies.

Porn is strictly voyerism, watchin stuff that in a fantasy looks fun but that I dont really want to wake up the next morning remembering that I did. I wouldn't want to do the stuff the porn stars do or even be with the girls that are doing it. In cybersex there is a connection with another person in a one on one kinda way, but there is no such connection in porn, its just one way.

I am comfortable with my wife getting turned on by watchin other guys/girls, and even with other people gettin turned on by watching her, but not with making a connection sexually with someone else. It is kinda a sublte distinction.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

at least i would know that she has some sort of interest in sex of some kind cause right now she appears to be dead in that area


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

i have no problem with doing any of this. But I am not you're average guy. 

That being said you must take your partners feeling into account and make a decision on what is good for your relationship.

If my wife was against it, I would not do it, but then again I might not have married her either. We discussed alot of things before marriage to what we were open to.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

IF I was still married I would not want my wife to be looking at or taking part in any porn, as I wouldn't do it myself.

I guess I may be different than most men but I see no reason to tease yourself by looking at porn or going to strip clubs, or even trying to pick up women just to see if I still got it. I just don't see what good could ever come of it, I only see it as a negitive. 

And I am speaking from a little experience here. At one point in my marriage my then wife and her friends made a very risque calendar as a fund raiser. When I objected to the pictures she told me I was being stupid and they were already printed. A short time later we were camping with several other families and all our young kids so she hangs the calendar on the outside of our camper open to one of her months, full naked back view. I took it down and told her she should be ashamed but she just hung it back up, so I burned it in the fire. Real class act she was. She didn't care if the kids friends got a look at her ass, heck she liked the attention. Five years later she was still handing them out to guys she would meet, once right in front of me to a servor at a resturant, we had driven separatly so I just stood up and left. 

Back to your question, IMO porn has no place in a marriage.

Cooper


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Well, narrow minded views aside, to me the problem words in your question are "secret","hide", & "lie". Those are not good in any context. As for the porn, if W wants to look at naked men, watch movies, or whatever turns her on I am the only beneficiary.
Well, I take that back, there are two...her and I, so its fine with me. 

But if its a substitute for intimacy, an addiction, or done with deceit then there's a problem.


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## ianpet07 (Aug 1, 2009)

well I caught my wife at it. She'd been using the webcam with young guys for months before I found her out. She has lied about it ever since and it has ruined our marriage. It is cheating, it is deceipt and it is disgusting.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Thank you for all the responses, I myself don't care to watch porn alone, it really does nothing for me solo. I do, however, enjoy watching with my H very much so. 

His answer to this is very hypocritical and it drives me crazy. It makes him very jealous and angry if I watch without him. Funny thing is I don't watch but he seems to think I do. Which I think is more of him transferring his guilt of him watching without me - to me so that if he thinks I am doing it then it is okay for him. Bottom line is it is okay for him and not me. We have come a long way on this issue and watching porn occassionally is not really the issue for me. But as Hitched put it "But if its a substitute for intimacy, an addiction, or done with deceit then there's a problem" is exactly what we have dealt with in the past. All of the above! So now my next question is this -is porn addiction similar to drug or alcohol addiction - just one hit or just one drink for an addict is not an option, they will fall back into that addiction. So is watching occassional porn every now and then the same as the just one hit or drink? I guess I am sitting here waiting to fall back into the addiction. He seems to think that it is no big deal, I have my doubts - am I making to big a deal of this issue?


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Although I cant answer as one who has had a porn addiction, I will say that I think addiction is similar regardless of what the activity that one is addicted to. Often those with addictions have addictive personalities so they cannot seem to find a balance. In those cases I would imagine that such a person may need to abstain from porn altogether or live by strict self imposed guidelines. In any case the desire to change must come from within that person as well as the rules of conduct. It cant really be 'enforced' by those around them. 

Some venture into porn or webcam etc because their sex life is really not fulfilling. Others have deeper issues of addiction. 

In my relationship porn plays only a minor role...if even that. Its only used in one of two contexts. Either as a variation, as in "hey honey, lets do something naughty and watch a porn movie" which within a few minutes leads only to our own intimate conversation/discussion or to us being totally involved with each other sexually and the porn becomes nothing more then background noise...OR...as a stimulant for masturbation when spouse in really not available nor going to be available. It is not a substitute for intimacy nor a requirement for arousal etc Anything else, such as girlie or hunk calendars etc and the like are nothing more then eye candy or amusement. 

My wifes idea of the best porn are fantasy stories, perhaps accompanied with pictures, that I write to her using the two of us as characters. Whats really going on there is the expression of sexual thoughts within the context of the two of us. 
To me in addition to writing to her, the best porn are the erotic pictures she may let me take of her or of us being sexual. 

My point is this, whet ever activities you engage in should be geared toward your mutual satisfaction & happiness, building up your relationship with each other, and not a crutch or addiction.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

"-is porn addiction similar to drug or alcohol addiction - just one hit or just one drink for an addict is not an option, they will fall back into that addiction. "

No, I don’t think it’s the same because the label “addict” is handed out too easily when it comes to sex. What applies with most men, IMO, is the development of habits, or copping mechanisms. Some spouses never use porn or masturbate, some occasionally do, some compensate for an inactive partner by leaving, cheating, using porn, or masturbating and a much smaller number fit into the “one drink” category. My bet is your hubby is, at worst, habitually seeking refuge. I’m in no position to make a clinical manifesto on addiction vs habit, but would encourage you to read up on sex addiction to see how out of control it genuinely gets. Reality becomes distorted for these people.


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