# Kids - how old to know truth?



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

How old should a kid be to tell him what's going on in a divorce? My 15 year old is asking questions. He's asking stuff like why are you divorcing? Who decides where kids live? Can I choose? Do you have to give her money? Do you have to give her half of everything?
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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If he is asking then he is old enough to know. 

At 15, he may not comprehend the subtleties but the basic info he should be able to handle.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

At 15, the child should know enough but not specific details (don't bash each other). However, I would say it is good to say what happened without placing blame.

My 12 year old knows what happened. She also knows it doesn't make us bad people (although we're working things out).

At 15, your child can also choose who he wants to live with. I chose my mom but was at my dad's house all the time because it was close to my HS.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

PM HurtinginTN, I believe he has found some books specificly for this subject.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> How old should a kid be to tell him what's going on in a divorce? My 15 year old is asking questions. He's asking stuff like why are you divorcing? Who decides where kids live? Can I choose? Do you have to give her money? Do you have to give her half of everything?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I lived by the fact I never covered for him but didn't bad talk their dad. Hard to do because he was a jerk. I never discussed money - but when he failed to pay support and had to struggle for extras or put things off, I didn't cover either. And while I tried to take the high road, I did mention it once or twice that I won 2 1/2 times what I was getting for child support when he took me to get them lowered. I only did that because he kept telling kids he overpaid me.
I'm not a good judge. As much as I tried to take moral high road, sometimes I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.
Especially with 15 year old. He's no idiot and you'll lose your credibility with him if you try to cover his mom. He needs to be able to trust someone.
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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Absolutely tell him. I struggled when my 18 year old kept asking me if "Dad had sex with the other woman." I KNOW he knew this answer, but he really wanted to know. I told him to talk to his dad, but now unfortunately he and my 21 year old daughter know WAY more than they should  I wish you luck. Sounds like your little guy really wants to know, and information/truth is freeing sometimes. Good luck!


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My 10 and 12 year olds act like everything is back to normal but my wife has been taking them to look at houses so they know she is moving out. My 15 yo is PISSED at her has has developed a very strong resentment. He has had it long before she announced on Fathers Day that we are divorcing (they knew it before I did). He was mad at her because he says: she thinks she hot stuff, she's lazy, she won't cook or clean, all she deos all night is text and talk on the phone, etc, etc. Now he is pissed because of the divorce. He wants to know the specifics mainly because his interest in it was intensified when he found out that she is trying to split our 60 acres that we plan to build a house on. He says stuff like: she doesn't deserve it, she'll just take her half and sell it and buy more clothes, etc. He has been asking lots of questions since then. Maybe he has been asking other kids about divorce. He was asking about child support. I explained about how it is calculated and why it is sometimes necessary and why sometimes it isn't awarded to either party. I did tell him that his mom is asking for it but there is little chance she will get it due to similar incomes. I also told him that if I asked for it I would probably get it because he will bevwith me full time. That just made him smile. He seems to want hsr to suffer through this and not get much. Those are questions about divorce. He may eventually get around to asking me why mom wants to leave so bad. The honest answer is that she has go e off the deep end, craves attention from married co-workers, likes to flirt and have possibly have sex with them and needs psychological help. That's the real answer. Her answer is that I couldn't respect her privacy and treated her like I am her dad. What she tells people is that "we just don't co
pliment each other any more". When he asks "Does mama have affairs" or "Does mama have a boyfriend" something crazy like that what do I say? I'm sure he knows or suspects because he has probably picked up enough of our conversations to put the pieces together.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> My 10 and 12 year olds act like everything is back to normal but my wife has been taking them to look at houses so they know she is moving out. My 15 yo is PISSED at her has has developed a very strong resentment. He has had it long before she announced on Fathers Day that we are divorcing (they knew it before I did). He was mad at her because he says: she thinks she hot stuff, she's lazy, she won't cook or clean, all she deos all night is text and talk on the phone, etc, etc. Now he is pissed because of the divorce. He wants to know the specifics mainly because his interest in it was intensified when he found out that she is trying to split our 60 acres that we plan to build a house on. He says stuff like: she doesn't deserve it, she'll just take her half and sell it and buy more clothes, etc. He has been asking lots of questions since then. Maybe he has been asking other kids about divorce. He was asking about child support. I explained about how it is calculated and why it is sometimes necessary and why sometimes it isn't awarded to either party. I did tell him that his mom is asking for it but there is little chance she will get it due to similar incomes. I also told him that if I asked for it I would probably get it because he will bevwith me full time. That just made him smile. He seems to want him to suffer through this and not get much. Those are questions about divorce. He may eventually get around to asking me why mom wants to leave so bad. The honest answer is that she has go e off the deep end, craves attention from married co-workers, likes to flirt and have possibly have sex with them and needs psychological help. That's the real answer. Her answer is that I couldn't respect her privacy and treated her like I am her dad. What she tells people is that "we just don't co
> pliment each other any more". When he asks "Does mama have affairs" or "Does mama have a boyfriend" something crazy like that what do I say? I'm sure he knows or suspects because he has probably picked up enough of our conversations to put the pieces together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd say 'I don't know if mom's having an affair, but she sure isn't acting like she's married to me'
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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Your kid needs both of you. Don't place blame. Don't make him take sides. Don't put him in the middle of a he said, she said. Unless your STBX is a drug addict or abusive, he needs his mom as much as he needs you. 

Read The truth about children and divorce, by Robert Emery. It has a chapter on what and how much to tell the kids, by age range.

Your kid is old enough, he will learn the truth in no time. 

You are upset, angry, etc, and you have a right to be. But you need to put your kid on the top of your priority list. Telling him the "truth" is just your way to get back at her for what she did to you, for how you feel. Is this what's best for your kid?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

RunningOnEmpty said:


> Your kid needs both of you. Don't place blame. Don't make him take sides. Don't put him in the middle of a he said, she said. Unless your STBX is a drug addict or abusive, he needs his mom as much as he needs you.
> 
> Read The truth about children and divorce, by Robert Emery. It has a chapter on what and how much to tell the kids, by age range.
> 
> ...



I get what you're saying but when a kid's 15 and asking specific questions while you don't want to call other parent down cruelly, you don't want to be the second person lying to them. It would wonderful if everyone could be mature and respectful, but it's not always so. My kids had their dad and his new wife always calling me down and lying. My daughter (an adult now) said that she wished I'd been a little more forthcoming with the truth. She said it made her distrust me when I didn't set things right that she could see for herself.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom was very honest with me about my dad and his bullshet ways of ditching child support for 15 years. However, I hadn't seen him since I was about 6.

It helped me understand my mother's frustration and struggles. She never bad mouthed him, she just told the truth. When I wanted something extra, it just couldn't be afforded. NOT because she didn't want to, but because "dad didn't pay child support". She worked 2 jobs just for necessities and I got a job at 15 for my extras.

I think older kids should know the truth. My older daughter knows that we're going through something (without details) but she knows how I was treating Hubs and she knows that Hubs is dealing with abuse issues from his past. This took the blame off of her (in her eyes) and she shows a ton of compassion for the situation. 

Our baby (who is almost 3) knows nothing. When daddy isn't home, he's at work. That's all she needs to know.


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