# In seek of advice - neighbors



## James888 (May 15, 2014)

Hello everyone! First off, wow this is a great site. I never knew these forums existed! 

I am new to the forums and in need of some advice on my situation. I don't know if its just me or what, it could just be in my head and I am overreacting but its really bothering me. 

So recently, my wife and I purchased a new house and moved in a couple months ago. We are very happy with the neighborhood and house, however, we realized that one of our neighbors is the brother of the guy my wife lost her virginity to back in high school. We haven't talked to him but he does come around some times to their house. I know it was so long ago but its just that I don't want to be neighbors with someone that has slept with my wife in the past or in this case is the brother to the guy that slept with my wife and took her virginity. Its been really bothering me lately and I just don't know what to do. I was so excited about our neighborhood and new house but now I am not so happy anymore knowing this. In addition, before we moved here, we owned another home and I found out that she had a short relationship and slept with a guy in my other neighborhood prior to us being together. It bothered me back then and with my luck, now it happened again. I just don't know what to do or how to feel? I understand everyone has a past but I don't want to be neighbors with her past and see them! Other than that, we have never had any marital affairs and are very loyal to one another. Thanks in advance for your advice and comments.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

So your loyal to one another isn't that the main thing? It seems to me the real problem is that your pride/ego is a little wounded. 

I take it you did not meet with your neighbors before you bought your house? 

Your wife is not cheating on you, she is loyal to you. She is not contacting her ex boyfriends. I think you have a lot to be thankful for. While I understand your situation maybe a little uncomfortable, overall I do think you need to relax a little. Unless your wife is chasing after her ex or viceversa I do not really see this as a big issue.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Good grief, it's a good thing she doesn't have children with another man, what would you do? Refuse to let them into your life and home because you don't want to see her past in your face?

This is just one of those things you're going to have to man up and get over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like you live in a small town.

While it must not at all be cool to see someone who slept with your wife, you options are either to move or to just deal with it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He slept with her once,she probably didn't even enjoy it bc it was her first time and you don't live in the neighborhood with him...you live near his brother.
You get to have her for the rest of your life and you get to have a home and a life with her. But you're going to let your ego ruin it for you and if you don't get it under control she'll be pushed away by it.

What if the situation was reversed? What if you two were living near the sister of the girl you lost your vcard to? How would you like to see your wife deal with that?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It kind of sucks.
But, you really have two choices.
1. Get past it.
2. Sell your house and move.

If you choose #2, here are some potential problems:
-- Your wife loses respect for you due to being insecure
-- You lose money
-- You may pick a new house that has some other guy she screwed living next to you.

While the situation is not ideal, and having to see a person that is a reminder of it on a daily basis, you have to do what all men need to do and move past your wife's past.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is partly your wife's fault and your fault as well.

Your wife/woman should never EVER share her history with a man. Nothing good can come of that. 

This is the only blame I would lay on your wife.

Now, I have a feeling you probably asked her about it. HUGE mistake.

But I can relate, I've been in your shoes.

Basically, you need to forget the things she told you and completely ignore them. I know it hurts, I know it goes thru your mind but what I'm trying to tell you is don't let it. Whenever the thoughts come up, think about something else.

*Your wife's history is completely irrelevant and worthless when it comes to your relationship.*

Next time, don't ask and if she brings it up, cover your ears......don't listen etc.

This is all part of maturing.....it took me good 5-10 years but now it's no big deal. 

Only issues from the past a man should be concerned with is stripping, porn, nudes or STD.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> This is partly your wife's fault and your fault as well.
> 
> Your wife/woman should never EVER share her history with a man. Nothing good can come of that.
> 
> This is the only blame I would lay on your wife.


My prediction: This will spark debate.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ROFL see you in 80 pages DoF


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I haven't been here long enough to know.....but please do give me preview/cliff notes.

:scratchhead:



Jellybeans said:


> My prediction: This will spark debate.


I doubt it will change my mind....but let's see.


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## Fabiovelli (May 3, 2014)

DoF said:


> This is partly your wife's fault and your fault as well.
> 
> Your wife/woman should never EVER share her history with a man. Nothing good can come of that.
> 
> ...


You're kidding, right?

Just off the top of my head I can think of a few other things I would be concerned with.
serial killings
bestiality
animal sacrifice
mental illness
random gangbangs
gender reassignment
alien abduction 

and the list goes on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> I haven't been here long enough to know.....but please do give me preview/cliff notes.
> 
> :scratchhead:


Gender wars
What should be found out during the dating period
People should share all their history
People should share nothing
The wife is a wh*re
The husband is insecure
The Alpha/Betta argument
Moving advice

and so on


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Fabiovelli said:


> You're kidding, right?
> 
> Just off the top of my head I can think of a few other things I would be concerned with.
> serial killings
> ...


Ok ok, you got me

I would probably take random gangbangs out of there......


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

But they make the threads so much fun!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> But they make the threads so much fun!


Slow at work, I got time to play.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Just push forward! What if everytime you moved, you were next to someone in her past? 

You cant run away from everything.

Just enjoy your home, and life with her!!!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

As pumba would say, "you gotta leave your behind in the past... er... you gotta leave the past behind you."

You love your wife, your wife loves you. You will hardly ever see this man regardless, and don't need to have any interaction with him.

With such pride/ego-related conundrums, I always spin it: She chose to marry you, not him.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You are either the unluckiest man on earth or your wife is quite... uh... active.

Either way its water under the bridge.

Now I would set a rule that he does not come over or she goes over there, but otherwise. Unless you starts showing me some real red flags... Deal with it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> You are either the unluckiest man on earth or your wife is quite... uh... active.


I'm guessing it is a very small town.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She had a relationship with his brother not him so it's not a biggie. 

Has she given you any reason to doubt her being faithful to you? 

Have you guys ever discussed your sexual history? Remember the word history meaning the past before you met. If she hasn't cheated on you or given you reason to believe that she's been unfaithful, then all your doing is chasing your own shadow.


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## James888 (May 15, 2014)

Thanks for all the input guys. I know its just my ego/pride/insecurity but it just sucks and I guess I have to live with it. 




Jellybeans said:


> I'm guessing it is a very small town.


We are actually in a big city, its just my luck of the draw!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

James888 said:


> Thanks for all the input guys. I know its just my ego/pride/insecurity but it just sucks and I guess I have to live with it.


You don't have to live with it, you have to learn to let go/forget about it.

It's completely irreverent to your relationship.


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## James888 (May 15, 2014)

DoF said:


> You don't have to live with it, you have to learn to let go/forget about it.
> 
> It's completely irreverent to your relationship.


haha yes you are so right! Thanks for catching me on that one. Right now I feel like im living with it but yes I need to learn to forget! Its just difficult trying to get the thoughts of another guy screwing your wife out of your head...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as a guy i would have to admit I would be bugged by this too if it were me, but you have to learn to live with it.

some questions i would want to know is: 
1. what does she think of this guy now?
2. does she still have a thing for him?
3. how was it?
4. what kind of guy is he, i.e. successful, good looking, et.
5. how is your marriage?

you will probably not get straight answers, nor should you necessarily ask because you probably won't get straight answers, but you need to read between the lines.

moving is way too paranoid. 

just try to figure out where you are and learn to live with it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

James888 said:


> haha yes you are so right! Thanks for catching me on that one. Right now I feel like im living with it but yes I need to learn to forget! Its just difficult trying to get the thoughts of another guy screwing your wife out of your head...


I know

Should've never let those thought into your head to begin with. Lesson learned.

Now just forget about them/ignore them as they come....and just be happy with your wife.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

James888 said:


> haha yes you are so right! Thanks for catching me on that one. Right now I feel like im living with it but yes I need to learn to forget! Its just difficult trying to get the thoughts of another guy screwing your wife out of your head...


I can't speak for other women but sex w/the first person ever was definitely not "screwing". It was awkward,weird,unpleasant,and did I mention awkward?? Remember that her experience with that guy is probably one she'd like to forget and so should you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> as a guy i would have to admit I would be bugged by this too if it were me, but you have to learn to live with it.
> 
> some questions i would want to know is:
> 1. what does she think of this guy now?
> ...


NO....NO.....AND NOOOOOOO

Don't do it OP. Digging yourself deeper into a hole.....which you are trying to get out of.

I like what one of the members (wife) said to their husband when he asked about previous relationship. "His **** was HUGE, way bigger than yours etc"

That shut him up for good and never asked about history again.

What you don't know can't hurt you. And previous relationships are NONE of your business and irrelevant to your current relationships.


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## James888 (May 15, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> as a guy i would have to admit I would be bugged by this too if it were me, but you have to learn to live with it.
> 
> some questions i would want to know is:
> 1. what does she think of this guy now?
> ...


thanks for understanding and thank you to everyone else that has provided input. 

Well they were together for a year and half she says so it was definitely not a one time thing. He lost his virginity to her as well. Im not sure how other guys feel about seeing the girl you lost your virginity to but I know I really don't want nothing to do with the one that took mine. 

She says she really doesn't think too much of the guy, however, they are facebook friends but don't talk to one another. Before we moved into the neighborhood, the last time we ran into him we was working at Costco installing tires. She says he's always been a type of guy with no ambition. I don't think he's an ugly guy but I definitely do not think he is successful at all.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

James888 said:


> however, they are facebook friends but don't talk to one another. .


That's not cool AT ALL and doesn't go a long way to make you more comfortable with the entire situation either.

Inappropriate and disrespectful IMO.

But entire facebook can be just that. Bunch of random people that are not in your life/part of your life....that can get hold of you ANYTIME they want......

I wouldn't be worried but I wonder how your wife would feel about you being "friends" on facebook with your ex's.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

OP - But she's with YOU. YOU are the prize, YOU won the girl. She married you, lives with you. Enjoy the life you have together NOW. Don't allow the past to cause a problem with your future. She'll feel the insecurity in you and that's not a road you want to go down. Her attraction to you will subconsciously fade and that's when the real problems start. 

She needs to feel your total acceptance of her and the strength in you. You know you are man enough to handle this and not give it any more thought. You are more of a man to her than the other guy was, that is exactly why she is with you now. So enjoy that and focus on that. Don't give that guy the power in your mind - or it will become self-fulfilling. If you are feeling like he has something more than you, she will begin to feel that too.

Use your feelings about this - your emotional energy - to "man up" rather than wuss down. Every time you see that neighbor and those feelings hit you, use it to resolve to be the bigger man, the better man. Let those feelings fuel a building force of strength and confidence in you rather than a draining, weakening, defeated feeling. Not only will you feel better, but your wife will feel it in you too and will be drawn to it.



DoF said:


> This is partly your wife's fault and your fault as well.
> 
> Your wife/woman should never EVER share her history with a man. Nothing good can come of that.


DoF - respectfully disagree. I'm grateful my wife shared the details of her sexual past with me back in the day. It did not bother me at all (in fact I STRONGLY believe it gave me an edge in the relationship - the more you know about someone, the better off you are). Why did it not bother me? Because she was with ME now. And she felt comfortable and safe enough with me to share her sexual history. I appreciated her transparency and the fact that she admired me so much, she knew she was safe telling me. She knew she was with a real man now, and she could tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly of everything about herself, and I would love her and accept her no matter what. The fact that she felt comfortable telling me was an indication to me that I was superior to any guy before. And I was. And still am. 

I know many guys are insecure about this stuff but why? Again, she's with YOU now. Because she feels YOU are superior. Obviously if the other guys were so damn good, why isn't she still pursuing them? Why is she with you? Don't make HER question why she's with you too. Know within yourself that she is with a superior man, and she will feel the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justtryin said:


> DoF - respectfully disagree. I'm grateful my wife shared the details of her sexual past with me back in the day. It did not bother me at all (in fact I STRONGLY believe it gave me an edge in the relationship - the more you know about someone, the better off you are). Why did it not bother me? Because she was with ME now. And she felt comfortable and safe enough with me to share her sexual history. I appreciated her transparency and the fact that she admired me so much, she knew she was safe telling me. She knew she was with a real man now, and she could tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly of everything about herself, and I would love her and accept her no matter what. The fact that she felt comfortable telling me was an indication to me that I was superior to any guy before. And I was. And still am.
> 
> I know many guys are insecure about this stuff but why? Again, she's with YOU now. Because she feels YOU are superior. Obviously if the other guys were so damn good, why isn't she still pursuing them? Why is she with you? Don't make HER question why she's with you too. Know within yourself that she is with a superior man, and she will feel the same way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not going to disagree with your here, not at all.

The only thing I will say is that you were probably lot more mature than I was (at the time I was 17!!!) and clearly capable of handling it WAY better than me.

Most man are NOT like you. More power to you.

But I will stick to what I said even today in the mid 30s (if I was to date again etc). I just don't care what the other person's history is in the sexual aspect....I don't want to know, I don't care and it has 0 relevance to relationships now.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

justtryin said:


> OP - But she's with YOU. YOU are the prize, YOU won the girl. She married you, lives with you. Enjoy the life you have together NOW. Don't allow the past to cause a problem with your future. She'll feel the insecurity in you and that's not a road you want to go down.* Her attraction to you will subconsciously fade and that's when the real problems start. *
> 
> She needs to feel your total acceptance of her and the strength in you. You know you are man enough to handle this and not give it any more thought. You are more of a man to her than the other guy was, that is exactly why she is with you now. So enjoy that and focus on that. Don't give that guy the power in your mind - or it will become self-fulfilling. If you are feeling like he has something more than you, she will begin to feel that too.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

*Howdy James Triple 8:*

I will dispense my usual advice here. What you need to do is move your family to Texas. If you then find that you are living next to someone your wife previously slept with that’d be time to become concerned.

Your being overly sensitive. Particularly if you live in a smaller town. If the issue has not been raised by any of the gentlemen – why bother?

And if the issue ever is raised, I’d just look them squarely in the eye and say “Ya’ know, she’s a size queen”.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

I used to see my X's first husband (the guy she lost her virginity to) all the time. Heck he had even made several visits to our house because of his daughter. They were married for 6 years so I guess that meant they did it more than once!

If you can't handle it you'll either have to move away or accept that your wife is not your property.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sunburn said:


> I used to see my X's first husband (the guy she lost her virginity to) all the time. Heck he had even made several visits to our house because of his daughter. They were married for 6 years so I guess that meant they did it more than once!
> 
> If you can't handle it you'll either have to move away or* accept that your wife is not your property.*


This is the mistake that so many men make -- thinking that they own a woman. You see it all over CWI.

You only own her if she gives herself to you. You did not buy her. You do not have the deed to her. 

And even a woman who has given herself to you can take that back, if you are no longer worthy of her.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

A sense of "owning" the woman isn't the issue at all.

The issue is that most men are seriously disturbed by being in the presence of a man who has had their wife. Its a matter of dignity on the mature end, and one-upmanship on the immature end. -That this other man has one up on you. He's been with your wife. You have nothing on him. The two of you are not on even ground. The husband feels vulnerable as a result. Vulnerability to something vile like this man saying something like "Hey bro, does she still grunt when she orgasms?" or even just a c*cky grin that says (I've f*cked your wife). Defense is untenable - he HAS been with your wife. Its an ace-in-the-hole emotional screw. While unlikely to ever happen, the "threat" is real. The husband has nothing of similar weight on this man, and this imbalance is distressing.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> I'm not going to disagree with your here, not at all.
> 
> The only thing I will say is that you were probably lot more mature than I was (at the time I was 17!!!) and clearly capable of handling it WAY better than me.
> 
> ...


I was 19. I felt the same way at 16 with my first "real" girlfriend too (I was not her first). I was not some macho stud. I simply saw myself as superior for the basic fact that she was with me now - not any of the other guys before me. Who cares who was intimate with her first, or before me. Once I came onto the scene, I was the guy she wanted. I was the one she had to have, she was since done with them, they couldn't keep her satisfied ultimately. Or maybe they didn't want her anymore. Their loss.

And DvisAdvc8 -

No man can hold any more "weight" over another man unless you LET him. That's up to you as a man. 

So what if she did "x" with him. That means she's open to it. Great! And I could care less even if his peen was twice the size, if he lasted longer, if he made her scream louder. Doesn't mean I couldn't become the best lover she ever had - I knew I would because I set my mind to it. Besides, he didn't have what it really took to keep her if she left him... or alternatively if HE dumped HER, he did not recognize the real value in her that I do. 

Either way, that puts him as having far less "weight" in my book. Not even a contest. Any kocky grins or other attitude from the guy falls flat when you know you've got that upper hand in your own mind. That's HIS insecurity showing, he feels he has something to prove. It's up to you to give him that power, to affirm it, or to see it for what it is and shrug it off in your own head. 

Besides, any outwardly disrespectful behavior or remarks aimed at me or at her involve firm and unpleasant consequences for that person. Not because he's "right" or "better" but because I don't tolerate that sh!t from anyone. Nor should any man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> A sense of "owning" the woman isn't the issue at all.
> 
> The issue is that most men are seriously disturbed by being in the presence of a man who has had their wife. Its a matter of dignity on the mature end, and one-upmanship on the immature end. -That this other man has one up on you. He's been with your wife. You have nothing on him. The two of you are not on even ground. The husband feels vulnerable as a result. Vulnerability to something vile like this man saying something like "Hey bro, does she still grunt when she orgasms?" or even just a c*cky grin that says (I've f*cked your wife). Defense is untenable - he HAS been with your wife. Its an ace-in-the-hole emotional screw. While unlikely to ever happen, the "threat" is real. The husband has nothing of similar weight on this man, and this imbalance is distressing.


Dude get some game. The husband totally has something on the first guy. Call it the “I know you got’s yourself a little tiny pee-pee” smirk.

It all about how you wish to approach the matter – sad, weak and defeated or in charge o’ shi$. Your call my Brother.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Woah... slow your roll you two. Don't look at me for this sort of insecure reaction, I couldn't care less who she's slept with - the fact of the matter would be she's sleeping with me now.

I was responding to JLD's and Sunburn's assertion that the psychology of negative reactions such as OPs are based in a sense of ownership of the wife. They're not. They're based in insecurity, vulnerability and competitiveness. And before dismissing such men wholesale, one should acknowledge that everyone has some degree of insecurity about something, its human - and this particular one is fairly common imo.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Woah... slow your roll you two. Don't look at me for this sort of insecure reaction, I couldn't care less who she's slept with - the fact of the matter would be she's sleeping with me now.
> 
> I was responding to JLD's and Sunburn's assertion that the psychology of negative reactions such as OPs are based in a sense of ownership of the wife. They're not.* They're based in insecurity, vulnerability and competitiveness. And before dismissing such men wholesale, one should acknowledge that everyone has some degree of insecurity about something, its human - and this particular one is fairly common imo.*


That, to me, goes along with the feeling that one "owns" one's wife. And I do think that is how many men feel. And why it is so hard for them to forgive infidelity.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I'd say that taking charge of the situation would mean doing zero socializing with the couple next door. I assume your wife is fine with that? Plenty of other neighbors to make friends with.......


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## James888 (May 15, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the additional comments and advice! You guys are really helping me through this. I really do not have anyone else to talk to about this other than my mother. 

Well this morning was a good test for me. I was getting up this morning getting ready to drive off to work and I noticed his car was parked outside their house. It appears he must have spent the night at his brothers house. Bam the thoughts ran into my head again but I took everyone's advice here and started to think of other things. Even though I do not like the situation and I admit, I am a bit insecure with this, you cant miss his car because he drives some really old beat up crappy car, no offense to anyone here that drives a beat up car here as well. Really from what I've heard from my wife and seen, the guy has really not done anything with his life. 





nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> I'd say that taking charge of the situation would mean doing zero socializing with the couple next door. I assume your wife is fine with that? Plenty of other neighbors to make friends with.......


Well I actually brought this up with my wife. I told her I do not want anything to do with them. I told her that we need to set a rule that we are not to talk, socialize, invite them to our house, all of the above. Well this became another argument. She said she's upset that I would need to set up some type of rule with them and shows that I don't trust her. She said she already knows not to get close with them, however, stated she would not be mean to them and would still say hi to them and do small talk if they were to run into each other in the neighborhood, instead of completely ignoring them, and that's including the guy she slept with. 

So here's the problem: My neighbor (the brother and wife) actually went to the same high school together as well as the ex, they were just a grade below her. They know each other from back in the day but since they graduated, they lost contact. They were never really good friends but this gives them a reason to talk and mingle a bit. So I don't really know how to respond to this? Is she right or wrong to say she would still say hi to them when needed?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

jld said:


> That, to me, goes along with the feeling that one "owns" one's wife. And I do think that is how many men feel. And why it is so hard for them to forgive infidelity.


To my thinking, they're entirely different. Infidelity is a third, different, thing; difficulty forgiving infidelity, imo, is about a breach of trust and potentially perceived as evidence of inadequacy ("else, why would she cheat?" goes the thinking). Once someone has violated your trust, its perfectly rational to not trust them anymore. You don't owe someone forgiveness, much less trust, and neither relates to ownership.

Also, re: insecurity, you don't need to have a sense of ownership to have fear of inadequacy, or be competitive.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

James888 said:


> They were never really good friends but this gives them a reason to talk and mingle a bit. So I don't really know how to respond to this? Is she right or wrong to say she would still say hi to them when needed?


You've told her how you feel. If she respects your feelings on the matter then she will avoid contact. There is ZERO reason to "mingle a bit". If they were just acquaintances, then this shouldn't be an issue - does she care more about your feelings, or the feelings of some old "not really good friend"? That's the bottom line, and a pretty clear message where you stand.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It would be weird for her to move into a new house, and then ignore neighbors who she already knew from high school. I tend to agree with her there. Since she does not plan on cheating on you, then she will not understand why she has to take a relatively drastic step. I'm not saying she is entirely right, but her thought process is reasonable.

I would leave it with her that you said your peace, and she knows where you stand, and she can make her decisions and choices accordingly. Then you sit back and watch. Don't get her pregnant.

If 2,3,6,10 months from now, you can evaluate your mental state and the entire situation (her actions, interactions with the neighbors, your personal quality of life), and then decide you are OK with it or you want to move.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

By telling your wife what she HAS to do, you've just raised her ire against you. She probably never had any intention of socializing with them, but now she will just because you forbid it. A better way to approach things would be to tell your wife how you feel, that you realize it stems from your own insecurities, and ask her to help you deal with it.

You really need to become less insecure about this and probably about other things as well.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Of course she's going to say hello and make small chit chat with them. She's known these people since high school. Doesn't it seem weird to you to move into a new neighborhood and then NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE people who you've known (even slightly) for YEARS?

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Deal with your own insecurities, but don't project them on to your wife.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP

Saying hi /= hanging with cherry man.

Now, her actually hanging with cherry man would be disrespectful but "hi" is just that, "hi"


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

If I moved into a home that was near the brother of the guy who was my "first", I'd want to move!!! I'd know what my ex-HS BF was thinking every time he saw me or his brother mentioned seeing or talking to me...ewwwwwwwwwwww!!! I hate when men think they were/are all that and a bag of chips and are not! 

We dated for a few years just because it took that long for me to get rid of that narcy POS. Years later after being in a healthy relationship I realized that the sex was AWFUL...(insert smilie throwing up here)

Now, with that said, if the relationship between them was normal and he's not a total douche bag I wouldn't think twice about it. Just limit interaction with his bro to polite greetings and idle chit chat...your wife will understand. You might become friends with the brother over time and maybe even her ex-BF, you never know.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I gotta think there's a big difference between saying hello in passing versus "mingling". OP says they "were never really friends".

Regardless, I'd be more concerned by my wife not having respect for how I feel about something - regardless of its rationality. Feelings don't have to be rational, most insecurity isn't. But a willful decision to behave against how your spouse feels, just to "mingle" with old HS "not really friends", would be blatant disregard imo.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I wouldn't be concerned if I moved close/next door to one of my husband's exes, let alone their sibling. Well, unless it was the really psycho one, but otherwise, who we live next door to is a small, small matter. Even if they did sleep together. He didn't marry them, he married me. Would it be awkward at first? Maybe, if the ex visited her sibling, but that would pass. Heck, I'm friends with two of my husband's exes(one of which he slept with) on FB, and they seem nice. 

The past doesn't necessarily dictate what the future would be. Don't create red flags where there wouldn't be otherwise.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it'd be kinda fun to live next door to one of DH's exes. They'd see us on the deck snuggling on weekend mornings,they'd see how I always take him a glass of ice water while he's mowing the lawn...then I grab his butt and kiss him. They'd see how we always walk our dogs together while holding hands,etc.

It might teach them how to treat a good man,ya never know


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I gotta think there's a big difference between saying hello in passing versus "mingling". OP says they "were never really friends".
> 
> Regardless, I'd be more concerned by my wife not having respect for how I feel about something - regardless of its rationality. Feelings don't have to be rational, most insecurity isn't. But a willful decision to behave against how your spouse feels, just to "mingle" with old HS "not really friends", would be blatant disregard imo.



Well here’s the reality, James Triple 8 and Ms. Triple 8 have moved to a nice neighborhood, they have a nice job, they may have children someday. Ms. Triple 8’s old boyfriend lives in the neighborhood and may have children someday as well. They may attend the same church, kids go to the same school, serve on the same PTA board, kids be in the same Scout Troop, be on the same swim team, and so on and so on.

Common courtesy and civility are the lubricant of a civil society and how we all get along amicably in life. I would no more encourage James Triple 8 to expect his wife to abide by this irrational fear than I would that she abide by any other issues he may have that might be irrational, diabolical, criminal, a-social and the rest. 

I think the “Talk Doctors” call that being an “enabler”. Just because you’ve married someone does not mean you are duty bound to ratify that entire person’s behavior . . . and doing so may in fact be harmful to both people.

James Triple 8, be civil, show common courtesy, and practice up on that “I know you got a little pee-pee” smirk. It sounds however, like this guy is probably a big looser anyways.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> I would no more encourage James Triple 8 to expect his wife to abide by this irrational fear than I would that she abide by any other issues he may have that might be irrational, diabolical, criminal, a-social and the rest.


I have two friends whose girlfriend/wife cheated with an ex. Its by no means uncommon. While possible, is this fear necessarily irrational?

Having common courtesy is one thing... mingling is another. She has no reason to. I take the position that the degree of socialization with exes permitted is determined by your partner's feelings on the matter and your desire to keep them happy. I've personally never had a case where I felt an ex was a threat, but if I did feel that way, I'd certainly hope someone who says they love me respected my feelings on the matter.

The TAM world amazes me. On this forum, up is down, down is up. A LOT of people, I'd even bet on it being a majority, have issues with their partner having regular interaction with an ex, whether its rational or irrational. For some people, it is very distressing. I've yet to date a woman who was cool with my socializing with past partners and I don't blame them. The only thing they know is that fuel for a fire exists there. It makes sense that they would want me to avoid any potential sparks. I don't find this an unreasonable request, much less diabolical, criminal, or a-social. In fact, if I don't have interest in the ex, I have no reason not to abide. I lose nothing, and gain my woman's peace of mind.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Speak of the devil!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...wife-has-intense-feelings-ex.html#post8817418

^these things do happen.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If the roles were reversed, how would she feel?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, for what its worth there are worse scenarios. I have a friend who got a new job only to find out that his boss was the guy that his wife lost her virginity too. He managed to get past it just fine though. The fact that she hated the guy really helped.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

jld said:


> That, to me, goes along with the feeling that one "owns" one's wife. And I do think that is how many men feel. And why it is so hard for them to forgive infidelity.


Boy you got that right! 

I am curious how far out this rule works: can't talk to brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers... so how about cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, work cohorts, etc...

Making a big deal about avoiding being neighborly with neighbors just draws more attention to it. People are going to want to know why and they'll learn. Then, people being people, it will turn into a big deal about the insecurity of the husband or exaggerate the story into jealousy about the size of his package or whatever...

My husband doesn't own me. He negotiates with me as an equal partner. Sheesh, he likes to joke about my previous lovers. I had one Irish guy that was laughably huge - cartoon huge - and this has always been fun for him to feign jealousy over.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

So when my girlfriend tells me she doesn't like me socializing with these girls I've slept with before, I should tell her, "You don't own me!"

Does her having negative feelings about such socialization mean she feels she owns me, or do you only apply this to men?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't think saying "hi" to the neighbors would be a problem...but certaintly having chats with them, especially if her ex happens to be there...is somewhat disrespectful.

I think she should take your feelings into consideration. If you mind it then she should be more careful.

After all, it's what YOU think that matters the most..., not what they think!


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