# I don't even know how we got here..



## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

Hi - its been a while since I posted on here. Last time I checked in my wife moved out of our home and into her parents home as we began our separation. This is going to be all over the place, as I am trying to summarize activity quickly. During my separation, communication was all over the place as y wife originally moved out in need of space (I was convinced there was someone else) - so after a few months of trying to figure out what we wanted, she finally officially asked me for the divorce. I went on a vacation and my wife snuck in an apperisaer (that a lawyer recommended her) - and got the house appraised behind my back - then presented the appraisal value and said either pay me half or were selling home... I accepted that fate and when she told me there was no saving our marriage I began to rebuild my life and line up my chips. I ended up meeting someone through mutual friends and we began to spark up a relationship. This is where things went totally crazy... my wife began to come to the home and take things that she wanted for her knew life without telling me (took the cats and a bunch of stuff), so I began to disarm the touchpad door lock so I would know when she was going to be there (use a key) - well one day she went and couldn't get into the home and accused me of locking her out and kicked in the front door, and took EVERYTHING she wanted from the home - tv's, mirrors, etc - her reason - I locked her out (SHE HAS A KEY). Her friends and mother helped her do it and it was totally insane. I came home to just stuff gone and my front door off the hinges. About a week later, the new girl I met and I went on a date, after the date we came back to the home to watch a movie - around midnight, she was getting ready to leave when I saw my 3 missed calls from my wife and she was calling me a 4th time, she was out front. She was driving past the home and decided to stop and see who's car it was (she knew) - and then started trying to kick the door in again, I was standing on the inside screaming for her to stop as I held the door up, I eventually called the police. In the time it took them to get there, she ripped down all my camera and threw them in the streets... I went and got a lawyer the next day, and decided I was no longer buying her out on the home but instead going to sell it and split the profits. The lawyer recommended I file a PFA against her since she was harassing me, the new girl and my family by sending awful nasty text messages about me. I filed the PFA but eventually dropped it as we both came to agreements to work with a mediator to save money on the divorce since we both wanted it. Around October, my wife started going crazy to "save" our marriage as she saw me happy with the new person I have met, began to stalk my life and her life, to see how much we were together, and what we were doing. I began to work with my wife on getting the home ready for sale, she came over to help me fix the holes (she caused) and paint things, however, she started to corner me into rooms asking for me to take her back and would try to kiss me and makeup with me, trying to make me have sex (I didn't). Eventually she got the hint I don't want to do that, and I kept telling her I just need space to figure out what I want to do with my life. I really don't know what I want to do at this point, my head is everywhere. My wife moved into apartment in mid October, I helped her move the remaining things (bigger items) that were still her to her new apartment. She convinced me to have sex with her... one more time... I felt deep down this was a set up, I really didn't want to do it but I did. This was a disaster, I eventually had to tell her I wanted to proceed with the divorce and not salvage our marriage, where she started harassing the new person I was talking to/dating. She went crazy (this was two weeks ago) and begged for me back. Fast foward to now my wife is saying that she has met someone knew and how amazing that he treats her so well and she is so happy and her new man is everything I wasn't. I was actually happy for her at first.. but then I noticed she is making videos about me online, saying how awful I was and the things I did (in the past posts) to the world, she won't leave my name out of her mouth and keeps trashing me to everyone... today was the final straw for me, I flipped on her, of which she finally apologized for blasting me on social media to everyone, and texting my family, etc. She wants to move foward with the divorce and just be with her new man... that hurt me a little as I became kinda jealous, not of him but if I was making the right decision in my life, like am I closing the chapter with the person I sent 10 years with, and just throwing it away? My entire family and friends all hate her guts, there's no recovering from that. But am I doing the right thing? The new girl I have been with is amazing and I really am in love with her... but something still sits in me for my wife (soon to be ex) - am I doing the right thing? Personally, I think her new man is a last ditch effort to try to get me back but I have no idea.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

She's nuts man. She is jealous. Whoever the other guy was, didn't pan out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There is no new guy.

Likely only, a string of one-time dates, and one-night-stands.

You can hide many things about yourself, but not those glaring, nuts and flakes.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Does your new woman know you had sex with your wife?

Do her a favor and cut her loose while you sort out your life. What you're doing to her isn't fair.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Does your new woman know you had sex with your wife?
> 
> Do her a favor and cut her loose while you sort out your life. What you're doing to her isn't fair.


I would normally agree with this, but good partners are hard to find.
Do tell her that the wife is going crazy and has arrived at nuts.

Say no more, but do not lie.

Let the GF make that decision to break it off.

Why let the wife win at breaking you and your GF up.
She deserves no victory.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I would normally agree with this, but good partners are hard to find.
> Do tell her that the wife is going crazy and has arrived at nuts.
> 
> Say no more, but do not lie.
> ...


We could agree if he hadn't slept with his ex.

Since he apparently can't control himself.....claimed she somehow convinced him to do it....he should at least share this info so the gf can make an informed decision.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> We could agree if he hadn't slept with his ex.
> 
> Since he apparently can't control himself.....claimed she somehow convinced him to do it....he should at least share this info so the gf can make an informed decision.


Right, then the wife wins. 

She is still his wife, not some stranger he shacked up with.

The rope that finally hangs you, generally has a little slack in it.
Let the poor guy use up that little slack.

I believe in some measure of mercy.

Lighten up.....pretty please!

I was going to say buttercup, but I know who I am speaking to.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

That sounds like my brother and his ex-wife. She was a controlling, manipulative psycho b***h. After she left he let her control his life. Guess he'd been conditioned to obeying or was masochistic. He should have shown some balls and put an abrupt end to her messing up his life.


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## MarriedLovingSaved (8 mo ago)

I can say, my new girlfriend knows everything my wife has tried to do as I have told her, but does not know I had sex with her. I have tried to be honest about everything


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I can say, my new girlfriend knows everything my wife has tried to do as I have told her, but does not know I had sex with her. I have tried to be honest about everything


Almost everything. 

It sounds like a **** show, have you had therapy?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It doesn’t seem like you’re really ready for a new relationship. You may not want to be alone but sleeping with your ex isn’t fair to your gf to not know that. Maybe take some time to heal, you’ve been through a lot. 😔


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, I bet you didn’t tell her you had sex with your STBX. Few women would be okay with that. My guess is that you were warned in previous threads to watch out for your wife showing up and throwing sex at you since that’s a not uncommon thing — and you fell for it. I’d be surprised if your wife didn’t share that soon with your gf so take your chances and tell her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus, dude. I wonder if you were raised by a single mother. I wonder if you ever had a strong male role. Because you actually sound like you were raised strictly in an all female environment (even if you weren't).

To this day, you are still pathetically second-guessing yourself. 




MarriedLovingSaved said:


> She convinced me to have sex with her... one more time...


She convinced you? Who are you kidding here?? Do you think we all here are as blame defecting, weak minded simps like you who can't even acknowledge that you gave in because your boundaries with her are basically non-existent. That you can't make up your mind because you're weak, have little self-respect, and can't realize that whenever she ups the ante your mind just becomes a blob and can't make a decisive and right there and then decision. 

In the meantime, after all this time (more than 1/2 a year), you haven't even divorced. You're still at it. Why? 

The sad thing is that you're dragging along an innocent woman to your sordid weak boundaries with your soon to be ex. This young woman does not deserve to be involved with a dude like you. You haven't even divorce your psycho, soon to be ex, and you're already cheating on the poor new woman. Wasn't the same cheating scenario that started the downfall of your marriage? I guess that you haven't learned ****, nor haven't gotten some self respect and dignity. 

If you continue with the same old, same old, your new relationship will also fail, guaranteed. 

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you can't be a strong man that has strong boundaries and convictions. 
It is already time to grow up, be an adult already. You're getting close to 30.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> I can say, my new girlfriend knows everything my wife has tried to do as I have told her, but does not know I had sex with her. I have tried to be honest about everything





*Deidre* said:


> It doesn’t seem like you’re really ready for a new relationship. You may not want to be alone but sleeping with your ex isn’t fair to your gf to not know that. Maybe take some time to heal, you’ve been through a lot. 😔


Mr. M:

I advise you tell "girlfriend' of your dalliance with STBX and stop seeing her (girlfriend) - if she doesn't drop you like a hot rock. Crap like having sex with STBX often is uncovered later in a budding relationship - to the detriment of both but expecially the unsuspecting (in this case) girlfriend.

You need to find your boundaries (and seems you need to upgrade one or two) and force yourself to start acting like a STBX also - schmoozing with the STBX wife is NOT going to benefit you long term - unless you have to share custody of children.

You also should get a GoPro and wear it anytime you are in the presence of your STBX. 
Maybe also you should arrange to never be alone with her. Always in public contact or a 3rd person if not it public.

Your STBX is "loosing her Cabbage" and, if you keep up the association outside lawyers office, very likely to get yourself in more trouble than you already have.

She has tossed you in the bin - best you realize that and focus on the business of separating all your $$$ issues and move on with your life.

Sorry to be so blunt but I see your actions as setting yourself up for more unnecessary misery.

I'd say good luck to you - but:

"Good Luck is Preparation meeting Opportunity" - something to ponder


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are just as nuts as your ex but just in a different way. Your new girlfriend deserves better.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> But am I doing the right thing? The new girl I have been with is amazing and I really am in love with her... but something still sits in me for my wife (soon to be ex) - am I doing the right thing? Personally, I think her new man is a last ditch effort to try to get me back but I have no idea.


Why in God's name would you WANT her back? Someone who acts like that -- destroying the house, harassing you, badmouthing you -- someone who is an emotional time bomb. You can always get the restraining order now that you have made the decision. All communications go through the lawyers. What she is doing is BS and messing with your head.

ETA: You didn't tell your gf you slept with your wife. Do you honestly think your wife won't TELL the gf once she realizes you are finished? She's not rational -- if you don't tell her but the wife does, how do you think the gf will react?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you enjoy the drama and chaos that your wife brings? You must or you wouldn’t give her another thought. Tell your girlfriend how you feel about your wife so she can move on.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re lucky your soon to be ex didn’t end up pregnant!
Sell the house! Get the divorce finalized! 
get honest with your girlfriend - she deserves to know you slept with the stb ex wife.
When people want to get divorced - they get it done! It’s up to you to get it finalized!


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Run like the wind...


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MarriedLovingSaved said:


> Hi - its been a while since I posted on here. Last time I checked in my wife moved out of our home and into her parents home as we began our separation. This is going to be all over the place, as I am trying to summarize activity quickly. During my separation, communication was all over the place as y wife originally moved out in need of space (I was convinced there was someone else) - so after a few months of trying to figure out what we wanted, she finally officially asked me for the divorce. I went on a vacation and my wife snuck in an apperisaer (that a lawyer recommended her) - and got the house appraised behind my back - then presented the appraisal value and said either pay me half or were selling home... I accepted that fate and when she told me there was no saving our marriage I began to rebuild my life and line up my chips. I ended up meeting someone through mutual friends and we began to spark up a relationship. This is where things went totally crazy... my wife began to come to the home and take things that she wanted for her knew life without telling me (took the cats and a bunch of stuff), so I began to disarm the touchpad door lock so I would know when she was going to be there (use a key) - well one day she went and couldn't get into the home and accused me of locking her out and kicked in the front door, and took EVERYTHING she wanted from the home - tv's, mirrors, etc - her reason - I locked her out (SHE HAS A KEY). Her friends and mother helped her do it and it was totally insane. I came home to just stuff gone and my front door off the hinges. About a week later, the new girl I met and I went on a date, after the date we came back to the home to watch a movie - around midnight, she was getting ready to leave when I saw my 3 missed calls from my wife and she was calling me a 4th time, she was out front. She was driving past the home and decided to stop and see who's car it was (she knew) - and then started trying to kick the door in again, I was standing on the inside screaming for her to stop as I held the door up, I eventually called the police. In the time it took them to get there, she ripped down all my camera and threw them in the streets... I went and got a lawyer the next day, and decided I was no longer buying her out on the home but instead going to sell it and split the profits. The lawyer recommended I file a PFA against her since she was harassing me, the new girl and my family by sending awful nasty text messages about me. I filed the PFA but eventually dropped it as we both came to agreements to work with a mediator to save money on the divorce since we both wanted it. Around October, my wife started going crazy to "save" our marriage as she saw me happy with the new person I have met, began to stalk my life and her life, to see how much we were together, and what we were doing. I began to work with my wife on getting the home ready for sale, she came over to help me fix the holes (she caused) and paint things, however, she started to corner me into rooms asking for me to take her back and would try to kiss me and makeup with me, trying to make me have sex (I didn't). Eventually she got the hint I don't want to do that, and I kept telling her I just need space to figure out what I want to do with my life. I really don't know what I want to do at this point, my head is everywhere. My wife moved into apartment in mid October, I helped her move the remaining things (bigger items) that were still her to her new apartment. She convinced me to have sex with her... one more time... I felt deep down this was a set up, I really didn't want to do it but I did. This was a disaster, I eventually had to tell her I wanted to proceed with the divorce and not salvage our marriage, where she started harassing the new person I was talking to/dating. She went crazy (this was two weeks ago) and begged for me back. Fast foward to now my wife is saying that she has met someone knew and how amazing that he treats her so well and she is so happy and her new man is everything I wasn't. I was actually happy for her at first.. but then I noticed she is making videos about me online, saying how awful I was and the things I did (in the past posts) to the world, she won't leave my name out of her mouth and keeps trashing me to everyone... today was the final straw for me, I flipped on her, of which she finally apologized for blasting me on social media to everyone, and texting my family, etc. She wants to move foward with the divorce and just be with her new man... that hurt me a little as I became kinda jealous, not of him but if I was making the right decision in my life, like am I closing the chapter with the person I sent 10 years with, and just throwing it away? My entire family and friends all hate her guts, there's no recovering from that. But am I doing the right thing? The new girl I have been with is amazing and I really am in love with her... but something still sits in me for my wife (soon to be ex) - am I doing the right thing? Personally, I think her new man is a last ditch effort to try to get me back but I have no idea.


Go back to the lawyer and file the PFA. Also see what you can do about her slandering you online. She won't play nice with you ever so time for you to take the gloves off.

You aren't throwing away 10 years. Your wife already did that. 

What will happen if you choose to go back to your wife. She will dump you as soon as she knows she has you. Even though she doesn't want you she also doesn't want anyone else to have you. She wants you back right now only to get you away from your girlfriend.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Some posts on TAM make me realize my past relationships could have been much worse. This is one of them.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

your post depicts a man with personality issues

your wife wanted to leave

your wife wanted to sell your house

your wife wanted to take her things

your wife damaged the house

you finally decided to hire a lawyer

your wife forced you to have sex

your wife is trying to humiliate you everywhere

Are you a kindergarten student and does the woman you say "you're in a relationship with have to put up with these situations?"

you should get therapy


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