# The Importance of Being Strong



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

At the time of my DDay, my world was crushed. I literally was devastated beyond anything I ever thought I would have to deal with. The loss of family by someone's choice as opposed to a tragic accident... I made all the wrong mistakes. I tried to 'nice' her back. I did not find TAM until basically I was divorced.

I still had issues. I found an amazingly gorgeous woman I was dating for about 16 months. She has BPD. That was rough at times, but because I know what it was like to have my life thrown away. I did not just discard her. I gave her the opportunity to work on herself, but it didn't happen. I will always have a place in my heart for her. My kids love her but the cycle where she pushed us away. That was too much.

When I went through my ordeal, my then wife told me how it was all my fault and told me all of my flaws, they were exaggerated, but they were flaws.

I spent the time working on myself, going to the gym, learning who I was and working on who I wanted to be. I started really working on that. What I had was a strong moral conviction about what is right and wrong.

I was honest with my kids. I left out details as I didn't want them to know everything, but I let them know the truth. The prevailing thought used to be 'shield the children'... What that gets you are children who are upset because you lied to them and you also get rolled in court. You have to settle for half.

My two oldest 12,13 have basically lived with me 95% since this school year began and even longer. My EX refused to let them go to my school district so I drive them to school every day and pick them up, half hour away. It is a great inconvenience.

It came down to court this week. It is a scheduling for what will come. My lawyer flat out told me that before, I had to settle because she was a SaHM and I worked and travelled. Now I don't have to settle at all.

This is because of my actions and no one else. My EX wanted to leave the family. Go ahead, but leave my kids.

I am the one who cooks
I am the one who does the laundry
I am the one who hand sews patches on
I am the one who spends quality time
I am the one who takes them to practice and games
I am the one who got them to pull the grades up to 2nd honors
I am their rock. God is mine.

It was just Thanksgiving. My EX was supposed to have the kids. I told them I will not force them to do what they do not want to do. I am past that. I told them it was their mom's turn and when they asked to stay with me, I said you just have to tell your mom. It is your choice. I was working when she came and my two oldest told her so. Two of the three stayed with me. I did not ask. They chose.

I am not disobeying the court doctrine, but I am not going to be put in a position where I have to do what is not in the best interest of my kids.

They need their mother, but she needs to be a mother first. She never came out of the fog even for her own children. I told the new girl I was dating that my boys will fight for her attention, and when we went to dinner, I pulled her chair out and my two youngest immediately sat on either side. It was cute. They vie for the attention of pretty girls. I was fine sitting across. I got to see her better I talk to my boys. I told them about my old girlfriend, they understand because they saw how she could act. I told them not to be mad at her because she reminded them that they deserved to be loved.

Good things will come to you when you stand up for yourself. They will come to you when you stand on your moral ground. You may lose something in court. You may lose something in life, but if you are honest and true to yourself, then you will set an example for those to follow.

When you allow others to dictate what will happen, especially when they do bad things, then you will lose badly.

I have a friend who went through what so many of us went through and he has been passive about the non sense with his kids. It did not work out nearly as well for him.

My boys will be men someday. They will look at my examples of what I did right and wrong. They will see what it is like to have true courage. They will see that I fought for my family. They know what it is like to take a stand.

I found out that my wife's boyfriend got in my oldest's face a while ago. If I had know then, I probably would have done something I would now regret. God's grace was there for me. I did set him straight though

When you are weak, you allow for people to take advantage of you. Kindness to a WS is weakness. If you have an action that they will perceive as weakness but you think it is kindness, you will be seen as weak, not kind. There is no NICE out of an affair. I know who I am. I am becoming who I was meant to be all along. I took the time for the introspection after DDay and I committed myself to being a better me.

The law says 50%. There is no way that my WS who cheated and takes everything you worked hard for deserves that. I stopped doing what was deemed civil and correct. I started doing what is right. She wanted to leave. Fine go! Leave the kids. They need guidance. They need someone to be on them about their grades and their life. Let that be me! If she wants to help a little, fine... I will lead in this. My boys choose to be with me 90+% of the time and I stopped telling them no.

Yes I am tired. Yes I work all the time. Yes I am digging myself out of the hole that divorce created. My life is really really good. My EX has no idea why the kids don't respect her. It is so simple. You traded their happiness for yours... No GOOD MOM would ever ever ever do that!

When I stood up and said enough. Right is right. That is when things started happening. 'Courage to the man who struggles to be himself in a world that every day tries to change him into what it wants him to be!'

The lawyers, the law... It is all good. I don't bribe my kids. My son chose to come over my house and face the punishment I gave him for acting up in school instead of fooling around at his mom's on her weekend. My son will be a man someday. He will not be just another adult male.

The mess, the whole divorce crap. I was honest with my sons. I slept with my youngest when he cried. I talked to my boys. I gave them an example of being strong. I gave them my unconditional love but I was strong for them. I held them to be better than what their circumstances would want them to be.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

My two oldest will be playing for the National Championship in soccer next week. My oldest is getting a scholarship to a great private school. I still sleep on the floor and don't have a couch but seriously I would not trade my life for any other.

As for the women... There are so many women out there who want a man, a good one. It is amazing how many nice beautiful ladies there are that appreciate a man who will be strong, who gets the job done, and has his priorities straight.

When you sit back because you are afraid of being a man and the perceived consequences, well that is when you doom yourself. It has been shown over and over and over on this forum. You cannot foresee all of the consequences. You can only choose your actions. Choose to be strong. Choose to do what is right in your heart. Choose to be an example as opposed to a statistic. The outcome may not be what you hoped for, but you will hold yourself up as a man and when it is your day to be judged, all you can hope for is a.. 'You did alright. Come on in.'

My boots. They are Lucchese. I got them in TN. I put them on sometimes when I need to cowboy up. Do not chose to be passive when your family is being ripped apart. Do not chose to be vindictive. Choose to be strong and do what is right by you. You may very well lose some things but you will be your children's hero if you decide to be a man.

May God bless you all in this season and remember you are the only person responsible for your own happiness. Lead your heart. Do not follow it for it will truly deceive you.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thank you MovingAhead~
I really enjoyed reading this, and thank God you are doing so well.
Keep up the great work!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MovingAhead said:


> I found an amazingly gorgeous woman I was dating for about 16 months. She has BPD.


MA, after reading through all of your wonderfully detailed threads, I was shocked and saddened to read that it is your beautiful blond exGF -- not your vindictive exW -- who suffers from BPD (as does my BPDer exW of 15 years). I am writing to validate and support your conclusion that the exGF really did love you and your boys. I mention this because, on the Internet, there is so much false information that portrays BPDers as spider-like people who draw you into their web and then, when you are trapped, reveal their true nature.

Granted, that sort of manipulation is typical of narcissists and sociopaths -- because they are incapable of loving anyone. BPDers, however, are able to genuinely love, albeit in an immature manner. Hence, the reason for the emergence of their dark side -- typically at 4 to 6 months into the relationship -- is the evaporation of the BPDer's infatuation. By convincing her that you are her perfect soul mate, that infatuation had held her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. 

When those fears returned, you started triggering her two fears and releasing the anger she always carries deep inside. Importantly, such triggering was unavoidable no matter what you did. The reason is that the two fears lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that, as you backed away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily were drawing closer to triggering the other fear. Sadly, there is no Goldilocks position in the middle where you could safely avoid both triggers. I know because I wasted 15 years hunting for it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My EX GF and I had an interesting relationship. I figured who she was at the honeymoon 6 month period when all hell broke loose. If you haven't been with a BPD person, you would not get this part but it is odd.

Her story is a very sad one. The things that happened to her when she was little...

She was stunning and amazing and was a fantastic person every 5 out of 7 days. I was there for her as long as I could. I did not want to abandon her but I was not left with much choice. Some of the things she did were simply not ok and I had to deal with them. She never cheated or anything like that, it was a little different.

I knew what it was like to have my life thrown away. I did not want to do that to her so I stood by her as long as she would get help. As she was a high functioning BPD, she could just not bring herself to get that help. It is a sad sad tale. She really needed DBT and if she would have done it, I would have stayed as long as she was working hard and making progress.

I know she loved me and my boys. I know she was afraid of the abandonment and the engulfment. When she would go off angry ,I would hold her tight, tell her that I know she is just scared. I would hold her tight and make her feel comforted for a time. I was always there for her, but I could not always be there for her. I had to work and travel and take care of my kids. She was almost a full time job. She could not break away from her routine, so in July, I knew the writing was on the wall and it happened early this month.

She has a personality disorder, a kind of mental illness. She was amazing and beautiful but at times she could not think rationally and would cause issues in my life I just did not need.

She did some wonderful things. She made my boys feel loved and they really needed it. She could look at me and know exactly how I was feeling. She would spend time with my boys 1 on 1 and just be fantastic with them. She took them places, helped them pick out clothes. My boys loved/love her dearly. They would hold her hand when we walked somewhere. I had to beat them to it They always wanted to sit beside her if we went out to dinner. I had to throw them off the couch so I could cuddle with her.

She would often disappoint us by saying she would go with us but not, and we got used to it. My boys saw what happened when she had an episode so the end was easier to take. I told them remember her for the wonderful things she did. She reminded us that we deserve to be loved. I will always have a place in my heart for her. She was great, but I could not sit by and act like some of the things she did were OK. She had to help herself and that was something she was too afraid to do so it had to end. It is quite a sad tale. She was not perfect but she was ours if only for a little while, 16 months.

I did not hate her for not wanting to get help. I don't think she had the inner strength to do it. She got away with what she did for too long, probably because she was so beautiful.

People have to ultimately fix themselves. I don't talk to her much at all. I will text her like I did before we met and I will just tell her something like, 'If no one tells you that you are special, then I just wanted you to know that you are.' 

She texted me her picture for Thanksgiving. She is amazingly beautiful. I invited her to come with us to my sisters, but she found something else to do... cook for her daughter and whatever... She hated leaving her house. We talked. I did not tell her that I love her so she can move on and find the next guy. There are many lined up. I will always love her in a way because to me she was very very special. I simply cannot be with her because of what it will cost me. The price is way too high.

The push pull... The abandonment/engulfment... When she told me how much she loved me, I knew it was 5 days until she was mad at me.

When I took her to Nashville with me and we had dinner with one of my friends, I had to leave the table and he told her 'thank you.' She asked what for. He told her it was a very long time since he had seen me smile. She helped give that back to me. I am a happy person, but she made me really feel it.

I knew the chances of our relationship were bad 6 months in. To hate someone with a mental illness because of their actions, I don't need to do that. She is trapped with it. I am not. I could have walked away any time, but I stayed because of one reason. She really was worth it. I just reached my point when at the end. She needed to feel like she was in control because she never felt like she was in control of her own life.

Like I said, it is a sad tale, but there was a lot of good that came out of it. For a time we gave each other what the other really needed and that is simply unforgettable. She won't change. I don't have any desire to 'be with her', but again I will always have a place in my heart for her.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Love this.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> My EX GF and I had an interesting relationship. I figured who she was at the honeymoon 6 month period when all hell broke loose. If you haven't been with a BPD person, you would not get this part but it is odd.
> 
> Her story is a very sad one. The things that happened to her when she was little...
> 
> She was stunning and amazing and was a fantastic person every 5 out of 7 days. ............................................... For a time we gave each other what the other really needed and that is simply unforgettable. She won't change. I don't have any desire to 'be with her', but again I will always have a place in my heart for her.


That's my vstbxw

Try it for 15 years !! :scratchhead:

Seriously it nearly wasted ME. I know like you I'm strong, rock like emotionally but there were times near the end where I really thought I was losing it. In the last couple of years she had me believing I was a bad person which considering the sh!t she's pulled is staggering but that's the place where it took me 

I'll never know how I've come out of it level headed and still mentally together. When I think of the stuff she put us through as a family ......

fk me ....there's little I can add :scratchhead:


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

There were times that she pulled me into her world where it was hard to see which way was up. I literally just got off the phone with her. I answer when she calls. She is just making sure I am there, that I didn't leave her. She still asks me if I love her. I just don't really answer. I did laugh with her and she asked about some of the most memorable times together.

I told her not long ago, the night I met her and when saying goodbye, I bent down and kissed her was the best kiss of my life.

I did not tell her about the pretty girl I just had dinner with. I know my exgf is amazing and stunning and really really wonderful 5 of 7 days but the other two. I know there is something there that just screams 'this is the part of the map that says 'here be dragons.''

I would have posted this on the BPD part of TAM, but Uptown commented so I just let this thread flow.

The initial part of the thread was some heartfelt advice for the people who believe that waiting and seeing, or being passive, or delaying is a good idea. I don't think that being hesitant or passive or extra careful is anything but a move born out of fear. Strength and Confidence are attractive.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

It is rather sad it didn't work with ex girlfriend but I am glad you are doing so well.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If you ever read Wrathful's post about his wife who was BPD as well as probably other issues, you can see how devastating their behavior can be. Headspin, Uptown, myself can let you know.

At times they do not have the same sense of reality as do normal people. Like I said. I will remember her for the wonderful things, but I know how devastating she can be to my life. I just talked to her. She asked me if I missed her and loved her and of course I do but I am moving on.

She was an angel for me when I needed one. She is an itty bitty thing 5'2". She snuggled perfectly in my arms when I held her. The beautiful lady I had dinner with is taller. I just have to hold my arms differently and she fits really well too

You cannot fix someone. They have to do it themselves. The only thing you can be is strong. Be a model for people and demand that they are giving you their best because you deserve it just like they deserve your best.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Thank you moving ahead. Intellectually, I know I need to change who I am. Emotionally, I find this hard to do. But you are right that we have to stand our moral ground and not be passive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> There were times that she pulled me into her world where it was hard to see which way was up. I literally just got off the phone with her. I answer when she calls. She is just making sure I am there, that I didn't leave her. She still asks me if I love her. I just don't really answer. I did laugh with her and she asked about some of the most memorable times together.
> 
> I told her not long ago, the night I met her and when saying goodbye, I bent down and kissed her was the best kiss of my life.
> 
> ...


You are right. But dont say it too loud. Its a secret.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The emotionally being afraid to do what you need to do, that is being human. I mentioned before I was very shy. That has passed. I do not care if someone likes me. I am who I am.

Once you understand that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you for who you are, it only matters if you like yourself for being who you were meant to be then you will be fine.

There are plenty and plenty and plenty of very nice single people out there. If you really want to find one, just be yourself and don't compromise on your morals. The rest will take care of itself.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

MovinAhead
Your cheating ex-wife crushed your emotions, hurt your children, and hurt you financially; not much more a spouse can do to devastate their family.

*I think that your posts can do a whole LOT of good if the BS really wants to help themselves enough to take the right actions.* The statements below are some actions that are s o very important



> I took the time for the introspection after D-Day and *I committed myself to being a better me.*I spent the time *working on myself*, going to the gym, learning who I was and working on who I wanted to be



From reading your posts it seems that you are now a contented man that has wisdom. If anybody doubts my statement then I challenge them to read MovingAhead’s posts that tell his story. He has provided a link at the bottom of his posts.

In addition to contentment and wisdom MovingAhead has what is consider to be the most valuable relationship, his children


> It was just Thanksgiving. My EX was supposed to have the kids. I told them I will not force them to do what they do not want to do. I am past that. I told them it was their mom's turn and when they asked to stay with me, I said you just have to tell your mom. *It is your choice. I was working when she came and my two oldest told her so. Two of the three stayed with me. I did not ask. They chose*.
> 
> My two oldest 12, 13 have basically lived with me 95% since this school year began and even longer.



I have read several posts on TAM where the BS will run to try and appease the WS or be extra kind, or take vengeance in hopes that will fix everything. *The danger in these actions are that they derail the BS and take up too much time that could be spent on doing what will help the most; doing what MovinAhead did, WORK ON HIMSELF!!! *That will help you if you R or D. You can never really change anyone to any great degree especially when they do not want to change so you can waste your time trying to change someone or make tings a LOT better by working on yourself, building your self up, and changing yourself!



> When you are weak, you allow for people to take advantage of you. Kindness to a WS is weakness


It is refreshing to see someone like MovingAhead that took a tremendous hit then rebounded to a very satisfactory and contented life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of posts that I read on this TAM forum that reveal that many BS do the exact opposite of MovingAhead. Their posts are depressing and sad.


*If I was in the first stages of D or R I would look for those that are successful and seriously consider doing what they have done.*


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## Nathan77 (Dec 3, 2013)

That's a real great story! Our ups and downs in life gives us the chance to meet the worst or the most incredible people on earth! At times, others view a person as having a lack in ability just due to illnesses. However, it does not mean that that person does not have any value in them. That person might turn out to be the most valuable and priceless gift you ever receive in your life.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

MovingAhead
Thank you for an inspiring post. My husband and I are separating after Xmas after 16 months of trying to reconcile. It's going to be a tough time, I don't feel very strong at the moment but I know I need to gather my strength and be a good strong person for my children.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Nathan77 said:


> That's a real great story! Our ups and downs in life gives us the chance to meet the worst or the most incredible people on earth! At times, others view a person as having a lack in ability just due to illnesses. However, it does not mean that that person does not have any value in them. That person might turn out to be the most valuable and priceless gift you ever receive in your life.


My EX GF will always be my angel. I was coming out of my low point after going through all of the Dday mess and EX-W moved out. She did something for me that I needed. She simply allowed me to be nice to her and feel valuable. Yes she has her issues and there is no way I could live with her, but she was truly an angel God put in my life.

On those 5 out of 7 days, she helped me so much. She was a fantastic cook and showed me so many things. She was an amazing hugger. She has her issues but she had so much to give to us. She might be able to help with her illness, but I don't think she really could. I will just simply appreciate her for the good things she did. I'm wise enough to remember all of the things she did so I will keep my distance.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> My ex is not the loving BPD type of which Uptown describes. He had and still has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies as well as unbridled passive aggression.


To be clear, 2Gals, my view is not that spouses will be treated well by untreated BPDers but, rather, that the BPDers are capable of loving (albeit in an immature manner). But, sadly, all the love in the world won't save you from nasty abuse because an untreated BPDer will often "split off" those loving feelings, putting them out of reach of his conscious mind. 

My BPDer exW, for example, had me thrown into jail on a bogus charge and then persuaded all five of my step children to stop speaking to me. These are step children I had loved for 15 years, had helped pay for their college education, and had bought cars for.

In addition to the abusive results of splitting, other sources of abuse will likely also contribute to your misery. Most BPDers have one or two other personality disorders as well. About half of the male BPDers, and a third of the female BPDers, also have full-blown NPD. See Table 3 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

2galsmom said:


> I have a hard time telling them, Daddy and Grandpa may have abandoned you, they beat me, lied to you as you know and well, they love you. You see then I am teaching them that is what love is.


2Gals, that doesn't sound like love to me either. Please keep in mind that, just because a BPDer is capable of immature love, it doesn't imply that he necessarily loves you or your girls. Moreover, if Daddy and Grandpa are full-blown narcissists or sociopaths, they are incapable of loving anyone.

As to teaching your girls about love, I believe it is important to teach them that being loved is no guarantee that you won't be disrespected and abused by that very same person. Most people don't seem to learn that lesson. The result, when they fall in love with a BPDer, is that they are convinced that they must be doing something wrong to cause the abuse because they KNOW that their partners love them. 

These abused partners will spend years -- sometimes a lifetime -- trapped by the mistaken belief that, if only they can figure out what THEY are doing wrong, they can restore the BPDer to that wonderful person they knew at the beginning. They therefore remain stuck in a toxic relationship because they don't understand that, when a person has the emotional development of a four year old, he will do splitting -- wherein all the love in the world will not protect them. All of those loving feelings frequently get split off, with the result that the BPDer now perceives you to be the devil incarnate and will treat you accordingly.

I therefore believe it is important to teach your daughters two things about love when they are looking for a mate. First, finding a man who deeply loves you does NOT mean you will be safe with him, because an emotionally immature person will eventually become very abusive when his splitting behavior starts occurring. Second, you should not settle for this immature form of love because it falls far short of what is needed to sustain a marriage or a close long-term friendship. Although four year olds can be very loving and show great affection, you would be miserable trying to be married to one.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Are we talking borderline personality or bi-polar?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Another Planet said:


> Are we talking borderline personality or bi-polar?


"BPD" = Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> I am sorry that the OP went from his wife to a GF with such issues and I just wanted to reinforce that no matter how difficult the situation may be, and it does get clouded with the manipulation of emotions and lies, to stay strong just like he said.


There is nothing to be sorry for. When I found she was BPD it explained a lot for me as to the whys...

I knew who and what I was dealing with about 8 months into the relationship. The splitting part... Wow that could get rough 2 out of 7 days. She did love me and my boys. She still loves us and checks in to make sure I am still there for her that I did not abandon her.

Her tale is sad and I wish I could help her but I cannot.

Please understand although I cannot be with her because of the 'splitting' she was an angel to me.

When my kids, especially my little one was sad and going through a tough time, she put her arms around him and held him close to her. She hugged him so sweetly. She gave him something as a woman that I could never.

She helped me and taught me many things and above all she made my boys feel loved by a beautiful female motherly figure. That is not something I would ever take from her. She might have issues but in her way, she did some very awesome things for us.

I cannot tolerate what she would do. It would be considered abusive and she had to either fix herself or I had to leave. It was her choice. You have to realize, you cannot fix people. That is their job. I know what happens when you grab a tiger by the tail. I have said this many times, my life is very very good.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Uptown said:


> "BPD" = Borderline Personality Disorder.


OK, I'm following


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Another Planet said:


> Are we talking borderline personality or bi-polar?


Borderline 

But - worth noting there's never just one set of symptoms that make this BPD - there are always little additions/quirks of say bi polar or narcism thrown in too etc etc 

It's one of the major problems trying to deal with somebody afflicted because every case has it's unique features although obviously there are generalisms too


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> There is nothing to be sorry for. When I found she was BPD it explained a lot for me as to the whys...


Quite....



MovingAhead said:


> I cannot tolerate what she would do. It would be considered abusive and she had to either fix herself or I had to leave. It was her choice. *You have to realize, you cannot fix people. That is their job.* I know what happens when you grab a tiger by the tail. I have said this many times, my life is very very good.


That is sadly the crux. For me there is a lot of 'choice' involved in this crucial pivotal bit. It's not as if they are completely 'crazy' and have no control over their situation. They do, but in my and many cases they _*choose*_ to realize they have a support system in place for when they go 'wrong' so they get to actually like and rely on that - *nothing actually gets fixed*. If anything they and the unfortunate 'enablers' (me) see that support as 'fixing' them - wrong. 

Again its actually very selfish because after a while they DO understand and KNOW that they will hurt everybody around them but choose to ignore it and truck on regardless as they can live normally for 4/5 days a week and actually enjoy a 'normal' life. Effectively they are saying 'although I can be 'impossible' and destroy people, it looks like nearly all of them are actually prepared to put up with me' AND "(and that's easier than subjecting myself to close painful self analysis that may help me )" 

That's when they become abusers.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Quite....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is it in a nutshell... Sorry I caused you so much pain but you put up with it... so it must be ok... (No, it's really not)


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

I wish my stbxw would go get help. She has a severe mental disability and of course "I am not an expert so I don't know anything". I have done all the research I can and she fits pretty tight into the BPD profile.
I can't handle the constant push pull, the years of it has devastated me. "Please help me" to "stop controlling me" and the rejection I just can't do it anymore... but sighh I do love her and we have 2 children together so I am going to have to figure out how to deal with her in some capacity.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Another Planet said:


> I wish my stbxw would go get help. She has a severe mental disability and of course "I am not an expert so I don't know anything". I have done all the research I can and she fits pretty tight into the BPD profile.
> I can't handle the constant push pull, the years of it has devastated me. "Please help me" to "stop controlling me" and the rejection I just can't do it anymore... but sighh I do love her and we have 2 children together so I am going to have to figure out how to deal with her in some capacity.




Why not open a thread in the physical mental health forum. You may find some advice help that may benefit you although to be honest I'd say right off the bat that dealing with a BPD is a forever compromising issue and it's you who always do the compromising 

That never changes in my experience it's all dependant upon how long you can put up with it can tolerate it. BPDers tend not to change their patterns behavior it intensifies then may drop back a little but you have to be honest with yourself - it will never go away. There are no cures and that is established

It's about management - therapy and medication can help but can also hinder as well 

If I had my time again I'd have bowed out many many years ago knowing what was coming and that's not necessarily about her serial infidelity but her whole behavioral landscape 

If I fell in love tomorrow with my perfect soul mate, but she was BPD - I'd have to skip it 

Enough ! this is the wrong place - this thread is about being strong so I'd better put my tusks back in !!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Planet, I join Headspin in suggesting that you open a thread in the mental health forum. Like Headspin, I would be glad to participate.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Ok, I have posted my story here so I will make a thread linking the threads in the mental health section. Thanks


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

I just watched this vid this morning on BPD punishing and revenge.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN6luYz_QaI


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> The painful thing is watching the behavior you accepted, *the punishment you accepted trickle down to the children.* For me, that was a deal breaker.
> 
> Good luck to all of you "loved ones" dealing with someone with BPD.


Yep me too. 

She didn't blink an eye just carried on with her 'this is me - it's what I am' outlook. Utterly selfish - deeply so

Once the children got to the ages of ten and started looking at her and looking at me and back at her with that inquisitive look in their gaze I thought 'time's up' - even they now know/knew her behavior is reprehensible 

I thought it would be badly wrong of me now to sit back and let them think 'this' is their life 'this' is 'normal' 
and it's okay to deal with people in the world like this. It isn't and now they know that 

She's still doing the same but at least they know I am a 'safe haven' they get air and honesty with me and they are relieved for that 

15 years of it - I nearly went out of my bloody mind ..Uuurgh :scratchhead:


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> As soon as you go for health i.e. no more enabling be prepared. MovingAhead was lucky in his amicable split from someone with BPD.


I never said it was amicable... If things don't end badly, they just won't end... I just don't trash her. I chose to love someone with a personality disorder. That was my choice. Of course she didn't let me know she had one Nevertheless, for many of the moments we were together, I was very happy. She made me smile again.

I said although I knew the end was coming, I still love her in a way because of what she had done for me and the boys. I don't blame her for her affliction. I however cannot be around her because when she lashes out she has the tantrums of a child and the power of an adult... A very very bad combination.

She cannot escape her own mind and her damaged psyche. It doesn't mean that she wasn't so very sweet to us. ( 5 out of 7 days  )


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

That was awesome...it should be a sticky!!!


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