# Wrongfully accused



## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

I have really messed up this time....I have had suspicions of my wife cheating for some time now....She has a male friend that is old enough to be her father. She always tells me that he is her best friend. (1st sign of cheating spouse according to some website)...She also told me a couple of weeks ago that she loved me and was not in love with me...(second sign)...Well I left work yesterday with these two discoveries in my mind. I was convinced that she was cheating but I was going to keep it quiet until I could gather more evidence. Well when I got home, my little girl was playing with my wifes phone and she handed it to me....well I found myself looking at her text....all deleted as usual....(she always deletes her call log and text....that is really suspicious). Well for some reason I decided to look at her saved messages. Well one such message was a message from her so-called friend and it was dated around the time me and her were in a bad fight and I wasnt at home. It read......No matter what happens, I love you and the girls with all my heart...
Well after a blow up that ended in me leaving , she has turned the tables on me, making me feel guilty for making that assumption. She declares that this man claims that she is like a daughter to her and this whole accusation is ludacris....I just wanted to post this on here and get a fellow male perspective on this and how you would take all this...I have since apologized about it...but I keep feeling " What if I am right" ...and she and him are saying "whew" that was a close one.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If she is cheating there's no way she's going to be honest with you so let it go for now and snoop/spy on your wife and see what turns up.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Whether or not this relationhship is sexual, it is not appropriate for a married woman to have a loving relationship with another male.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

The old turn the tables "How dare you say the sky is blue". You are probably being controling as well, hmmm. If another man told my wife he loved her he would have a very serious problem on his hands. 

Your wife is unfaithful. Sex or not. Time to take control.


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

Thought so Hicks....I have told her and everyone that thinks I am crazy....A married woman should not have an opposite sex friend like that...because what does that do? When you have problems in a marriage that is who you turn to. Whether it is innocent or not, it just dont look right and it creates more problems than its worth. Now trying to convince her of that is like trying to get water out of a rock.


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks for all the other input....I just really dont know where to go from here...its obvious that the tables have turned and now I am the bad guy....as usual...I am thinking that I should not contact her at all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you’re going to find they are very powerfully EMOTIONALLY BONDED. This bonding can be like they’re stuck together as with superglue and they need an operation to separate them. Or like they are conjoined twins and again need an operation to separate them. Just trying to open your eyes to what you may be facing. I had the same problem with my wife and younger 35 year old son. They are inseparable, always have been and now live together, my wife is 60 next year.

These things in marriages are to do with personal boundaries. It will come down to what you are prepared to tolerate and what you will be intolerant of. It’s also to do with values. Your wife and yourself have different values and your marriage may well end because of it.

The thing is, with the relationship your wife has with the OM, is that she will be talking to him about the problems between the two of you. In essence she may well be using him as a marriage counsellor. But think about it. Any advice he gives will be totally biased towards your wife and against you. Plus he will never say or do anything that will cost him his “friendship” with your wife. To me the guy sounds like a complete *rsehole and should stay well out of your marriage.

Take a look at Finding Your N.U.T.S.. All you can really do is enforce your boundaries by giving your wife ultimatums “It’s him or me” sort of thing. Or you can say that you do not tolerate her behaviour so you are separating and divorcing and let her decide what she wants to do.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Whether or not this relationhship is sexual, it is not appropriate for a married woman to have a loving relationship with another male.


This is bollocks. Sorry, but I have a male friend that I have known for years, who is also like a dad to me. We both respect my marriage, so we do not even have conversations that my husband cannot hear. I went to see this man when he almost died, with my husband's knowledge and consent. I even called my hubby from my "father's" place and let them talk! Why would I be so open if I was cheating? :scratchhead:

As long as I am not hiding anything and there are no sexual overtures, it's all good. I know that "Dad" loves me the way that a father and daughter love each other. 

When I have marriage problems, I turn to my husband and my therapist. "Dad" doesn't need to know about them. 

It is also possible for a straight woman to have gay friends. There is no sexual interest at all, just a really handsome shopping buddy. :smthumbup:

Jron, what your wife is doing is completely different from what I have described here.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Start exposing-to her family, yours and the OM's wife or GF.


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

she claims that this guy is a "family friend"...and that he is her best friend...it aint like she hides the fact they are friends..I mean she will mention she talked to him and he said this or that....he even came over last night and let me borrow and battery charger for my car..She even told me before I even had a glimmer of a suspicion that I shouldnt be concerned about him, if I happened to see that he called or she called him....that he was just a friend..I found that kind of odd that she would initate the confirmation that he was just a friend...and that might be the proof I need that it is innocent, but I just cant get pass that damn text message.....I mean I dont think I am out of line by being upset that another man is sending my wife a text that says that he loves her and my kids with all his heart....that kinda rubs me the wrong way....father figure or not...but why would she save the message if she was trying to hide something???...I am beyond confused


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

F-102- the OM is single but according to my wife he is about to get married in a couple of weeks..


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Jron said:


> she claims that this guy is a "family friend"...and that he is her best friend...it aint like she hides the fact they are friends..I mean she will mention she talked to him and he said this or that....he even came over last night and let me borrow and battery charger for my car..*She even told me before I even had a glimmer of a suspicion that I shouldnt be concerned about him, if I happened to see that he called or she called him....that he was just a friend..I found that kind of odd that she would initate the confirmation that he was just a friend..*.and that might be the proof I need that it is innocent, but I just cant get pass that damn text message.....I* mean I dont think I am out of line by being upset that another man is sending my wife a text that says that he loves her and my kids with all his heart*....that kinda rubs me the wrong way....father figure or not...but why would she save the message if she was trying to hide something???...I am beyond confused



As I said before, I agree that your wife is being inappropriate. I do not do ANY of the things that she does and my "dad" does NOT tell me that he loves me. In fact, he does not even call me most of the time, out of respect for my husband!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Then squeal to his fiancee.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Emotional Affair. If it's so above board ask her to let you read her text before she deletes them. If she's not hiding anything what should she care if you read them?

If she is hiding something - which I think everyone here suspects - be prepared. She's going to get even more crazy on you. What she's already done to you is called gas lighting - making you think you're crazy and/or accusing you of being controlling. It's text book for someone in an affair.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I can't believe that the OM is doing this, while he is engaged! There is another sign.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And don't forget to lawyer up.


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

thanks so much for the advice....you guys are a big help...it feels good to get an unbiased opinion.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have all passwords to phones, computers, Facebook, email accts, etc.? There is no such thing as privacy in a good marriage. 

What is her reason for deleting messages? 

It is up to her to explain not defend unusual behavior. If she is trying to turn it back on you she is obviously hiding something.

Having said that, my wife and I delete certain messages to each other because we don't want kids to see them. 

Can you get call logs to see who and how many texts/calls are being made and to who?

Put an inexpensive voice activate recorder in her car (under seat with heavy duty velcro).


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

she says that she is just a tidy person(which she is) Dont want clutter on phone....just like in the house....but she just told me that it shouldnt matter if I see 10 calls from him and there are only 3 from me...I should TRUST her....He is just a friend.....She says she has been cheated on and that is that last feeling she would want to put on me...I for one have never been cheated on that I know of..but I have always had trust issues and I am a skeptic about everything....I guess thats part of it


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

my buddy is a big hunter and caught his wife a man on a game camera...something hunters use to track deer i guess....He had it on the table along with other junk of his...put a piece of tape over the light and the camera takes pictures silently...I guess I could try that..


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jron said:


> she says that she is just a tidy person(which she is) Dont want clutter on phone....just like in the house....but she just told me that it shouldnt matter if I see 10 calls from him and there are only 3 from me...I should TRUST her....He is just a friend.....She says she has been cheated on and that is that last feeling she would want to put on me...I for one have never been cheated on that I know of..but I have always had trust issues and I am a skeptic about everything....I guess thats part of it


I'm calling BS on all of that. It does matter if there are 10 calls from him - I don't care how many there are from you - it's just plain inappropriate. And "you should trust me" Please. You shouldn't have to trust her, there shouldn't be an issue between you which requires blind trust. If one comes up it should be identified and rectified so trust isn't an issue.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jron, you definitely have the right to be concerned for your marriage, so often our gut feelings tell us when something isn't right. In this case, she was keeping the extent of her friendship a secret from you, she is confiding in him things that should only be reserved for a spouse, she invests more time into her relationship with him than you. And she is actively covering her tracks in order that she can continue to gaslight... based on what you've written I believe that is exactly what she is doing, gaslighting, in which case there is a whole lot more to her relationship with him than she wants you to know about. Surveillance is in order, the hidden camera seems like a not bad idea except difficult to hide and if she discovers it that will make it harder to investigate. Do the voice-activated recorder under the car seat or hidden in the bathroom, install keylogger and if she syncs her phone to a computer lookup the logs, install spyware on the phone if you can. She probably suspects you are onto her already so will take it deeper underground. And try to not let this make you paranoid, don't start getting too anxious in the event she actually has been upfront.

By doing this you are trying to protect your marriage and you have the support of all of us here saying you are doing the right thing - she may feel her privacy is being invaded but if she cares about the marriage she really will come to appreciate and respect what you are doing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Whether or not this relationhship is sexual, it is not appropriate for a married woman to have a loving relationship with another male.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

She's devoting emotional energy to someone who's not YOU. Period. I hate to say "keylogger" and "VAR" and etc. but it sounds necessary in this situation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jron said:


> she claims that this guy is a "family friend"...and that he is her best friend...it aint like she hides the fact they are friends..I mean she will mention she talked to him and he said this or that....he even came over last night and let me borrow and battery charger for my car..She even told me before I even had a glimmer of a suspicion that I shouldnt be concerned about him, if I happened to see that he called or she called him....that he was just a friend..I found that kind of odd that she would initate the confirmation that he was just a friend...and that might be the proof I need that it is innocent, but I just cant get pass that damn text message.....I mean I dont think I am out of line by being upset that another man is sending my wife a text that says that he loves her and my kids with all his heart....that kinda rubs me the wrong way....father figure or not...but why would she save the message if she was trying to hide something???...I am beyond confused


I was in an EA and did not hide it either. Why? because to me we were just friends. I did not realize it was an affair until I came out of withdrawal. Just because it has not progressed to hiding does not mean it is not a problem to be dealt with.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Emotional Affair. If it's so above board ask her to let you read her text before she deletes them. If she's not hiding anything what should she care if you read them?
> 
> If she is hiding something - which I think everyone here suspects - be prepared. She's going to get even more crazy on you. What she's already done to you is called gas lighting - making you think you're crazy and/or accusing you of being controlling. It's text book for someone in an affair.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jron said:


> she says that she is just a tidy person(which she is) Dont want clutter on phone....just like in the house....but she just told me that it shouldnt matter if I see 10 calls from him and there are only 3 from me...I should TRUST her....He is just a friend.....She says she has been cheated on and that is that last feeling she would want to put on me...I for one have never been cheated on that I know of..but I have always had trust issues and I am a skeptic about everything....I guess thats part of it


This is about boundaries. I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs together and to discuss, define and implement proper boundaries. Do not cave in when you do this.

You have every right to be concerned about her relationship with her opposite sex friend.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I don't have ten calls on my phone to my male best friend. My closest cousin, my brother, etc. I would have a real problem if my wife is having more conversation with another man, best friend or not, than me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Is her own father still alive? If so, does she text him as much as this other older man who treats her like a "daughter" and is "engaged"?


Also, buy a couple of voice activated recorder (VAR) and hide one in car under the seat. Hide the other one in the house where she wont find it (remember she is a tidy person).

Is it an iphone? Does she backup/sync her phone? You can recover messages from that.


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## Jron (Sep 2, 2011)

no iphone and her father is alive but is extremely old fashion, I dont think he even has a phone...


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Jron, she's probably said these things to you:

"You don't trust me"
"You're too sensitive"
"We're just friends"
"You're too paranoid"
"There's NOTHING going on"
"What, I can't have any friends?"
"You're embarrassing me"
"You're too controlling"
"If you do anything to mess up our friendship, I swear I'll..."
"Do we have to go thru this every time he just wants to talk?"

I'm sure that you can see on any thread here, the WWs have ALL used these lines.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Jron said:


> my buddy is a big hunter and caught his wife a man on a game camera...something hunters use to track deer i guess....He had it on the table along with other junk of his...put a piece of tape over the light and the camera takes pictures silently...I guess I could try that..


And on the flip side... if it is purely a plutonic freindship and your W finds out that you resorted to spying and snooping, and not trusting her... Watch all the trust she had for you evaporate in an instant...

a marriage is based on trust... 

I'm just sayin'....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMHO marriage is based on faith, and when secrets are established then this faith needs to be validated.
Boundry #1 one for your wife, leave a text from "dad" for husband to see.
Boundry#2 spend more time with H then "dad".

My relationship with my 17 year old son is based on faith but I still validate it by investiagting him for his protection.

My relationship with my WW is based on faith but I still validate it by investigating her for the protection of my feelings.

No body wants to be betrayed, and until someone has given reason for your intuition to have suspicion then there is no reason to validate, but when one finds a need to address inapropreiate behavior then all bets are off and one should examine the commitment of the others person as it relates to there own well being or the well being of the one they choose to love.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Trust is broken when a veil of secrecy decends. 

If you cant go through your spouses phone, email or facebook in front of them, you are not in a good place.


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