# I broke it and I want it back



## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Hi. I am new to the forum and like everyone else I am looking for advice/help to get me through this hell I'm living in. 

My wife of 14 years told me she wanted to separate on Christmas eve. We have been together for 17 years and have 3 great kids. She left with our two girls and moved 2 hours away to live with her parents about 3 weeks ago. My 15 year old son has stayed with me to complete his schooling. I'm struggling. I love my wife. I miss her, I miss my girls and I miss us.

Some background:

I am 42, she is 39. Our kids are 15,13 and 10.

I own my own business which my wife is a large part of. Times have been tough and we are struggling financially. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it will take a lot of work to get there.

As my title says, I broke our marriage. We had a hard time communicating and an even harder time working thru problems or conflict. Rather than talk about and deal with our issues, I checked out. I had two affairs in that 14 year period, both of which my wife is aware of. The last affair ended two years ago. I'm truly sorry for the hurt and pain I put my wife thru. I accept responsibility for them. I had a choice to make and I made the wrong one. Twice. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I hadn't been a stronger man and made the right decision to love and respect my wife and to honour our marriage. But I didn't. I screwed it up and now we are all suffering.

We went to counseling for several sessions after the last affair came out. Things were ok. I asked for forgiveness and my wife agreed to work on forgiving me. We both wanted to move forward in our marriage. I have been completely open and transparent during this time period trying to rebuild her trust in me. She had access to my cell, my computer, she knows where I am at all times. If I'm going to be late , I call and let her know. I avoid any situations (parties, booze etc) that might cause her grief.

Things were going well (or so I thought). We talked more openly about our issues and how to solve them. We were reconnecting after a long absence. For the past 6 months, everyday when I came home from work, we would seek each other out for a hug and a kiss. We were getting back to being in love with each other like when we first started our relationship and marriage. Christmas came and it all fell apart.

When she dropped the bomb on Christmas eve, my wife stated "She wasn't happy. She wasn't happy with decisions she had made. She didn't know who she was any more. She was depressed and felt she was being a bad mom. She needed to take a break." I hit the panic button and did everything wrong. Crying, begging, texts, emails, I did it all wrong and only succeeded in pushing her away. Her comment to to me now is that she gradually lost respect for me due to the affairs and she doesn't think it will come back. I am having a hard time understanding what all the effort and work we both put into our relationship for the past 2 years has been for? What changed overnight?

So here I am. I need help. I know a huge part of this is mine because I hurt her and our marriage. But I love my wife. I want to win her back, to show her that I am worthy of her love. I just don't know how at this point. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Not sure if this will help you in your current situation, but might give you some insight into what she is dealing with in regards to the affairs.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

All:

She sounds like she is having an affair. She is saying all the things that cheaters say to their spouses. If that is true, you must expose it, have her go no contact, and have transparency. Nothing you do to try to win her back will work if she is in the fog of an affair.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> All:
> 
> She sounds like she is having an affair. She is saying all the things that cheaters say to their spouses. If that is true, you must expose it, have her go no contact, and have transparency. Nothing you do to try to win her back will work if she is in the fog of an affair.


it doesn't sound like that to me at all. She has been through the pain of him having two affairs. She might have just sorted herself out enough to realize she doesn't want to spend her life with a man who will quite possibly cheat on her every chance he gets. (not saying that is you OP, but its probably what she is thinking). At two years out, I still wasn't positive I wanted to stay with my H after his 1 affair. If he had two? I would be GONE.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

"She wasn't happy. She wasn't happy with decisions she had made. She didn't know who she was any more. She was depressed and felt she was being a bad mom. She needed to take a break."

This is what made me think of an affair. Hope I'm wrong.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree with DawnD. Reality check on the affairs.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think so. he has two young daughters. Maybe she thinks she is showing them that its okay to let your husband cheat on you repeatedly.

she probably isn't happy about staying with him after the first affair since he had a second one. 

OP didn't mention what he did to make the marriage stronger after his affairs. He doesn't mention whether he immediately took responsibility, immediately ended them. All we know is that they are done and she knows. She might just be unhappy and wants to get away from him to sort herself out. 

She could be, but I doubt it. The things she said sound awfully similar to the things I said, and I never cheated.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

This is me - Thank you for the response. I'm struggling on how to continue to show her that I do care, I am trying to help her when she is so far removed from me.

Lovesherman - I asked if there was someone else. She said there wasn't. This was about her. I believe her.

DawnD - You have hit the nail on the head. My wife does not want to appear "weak" to our girls and that to accept or forgive the affairs is a sign of weakness. Her father walked out of her life when she was 9. She will not speak to him this day. Her mother raised her and her sister for 3 years before entering a relationship with her step dad. She sees her mother as a strong and proud woman and she wants to show this to our girls.

Thank you all for your comments.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

All in:

First off, can you tell us why you deserve to have your wife? This isn't to make you feel bad, but an honest question. You stepped out on her twice. "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Why do you think you deserve to have her back in your life? Is it just for the kids?

Can you elaborate on anything you have done specifically to show her you are going to be loyal to her? Anything you have done to make the marriage stronger?

I am not gonna lie. It might not be possible to get her back. But I think if you provide a little bit more information, people here could help more. 

Are you in individual counseling??

P.S. -- you are thinking of her leaving wrong. Its not that forgiving the affairs would be "weak" its that she doesn't want to allow a man that promised to love her to continue to walk all over her and possibly give her STD's by cheating. Its about respect, which she told you. She doesn't respect you because you couldn't respect your marriage. That is gonna be the hardest thing to get back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You said you don't understand what happened overnight/what changed for her.

Thing is, the loss of respect for you was proba gradual thing and resentment seeped in and now that is why she is coming out saying this. It's been brewing for awhile.

If she wants out, all you can do is let her go. Because the ball is in her court. One person alone can't make a marriage work.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I would definitely not settle for her word on not having an affair. This sounds very much like a wife who never forgave you (rightfully so probably) and is now seeking or having an affair of her own.

Two exposed affairs in a marriage is really hard to repair. I'm almost certain your wife never got over it and was waiting for her own chance to find security outside your marriage. 

At this point you should simply be willing to accept that you've lost your wife. You should be completely receptive to the possibility of her having an affair and not coming out of it anytime soon.

If you still want to stick around, then give your wife all the time she needs and try to have no contact with her for a while (a month or two). Do what you have to do to find out if she's with someone else, but don't expect a good outcome.

Your old marriage is pretty much dead. If she does come back, it would have to be to a whole new marriage with a whole different attitude. 

The only thing you can do without pressuring her or looking desperate is to writer her letters. State exactly how you feel and don't expect a response for a long long time. Don't ask her to reconsider. She won't for a while. Maybe ever.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree that an affair is possible. 

The sudden nature of the change is a feature an affair. Many women have another relationship underway before leaving. 

Then again, many women store up hurt while trying hard to make a go of it. You had two affairs. You hurt her once but that did not stop you from hurting her again. 

If I were her, I would leave because if you didn't care about hurting her you would not have had the 2nd affair. 

You probably sound as sincere as you did the after the first affair. No reason to think you will not do it again given the opportunity. 

She may have been worried about you cheating again and couldn't take the anxiety anymore. 

If you really love her, do you want her live in misery and fear that you will have another affair? It is likely to happen again, serial cheater find it hard to stop. 

You didn't mention any therapy to explain why you deceive and any work on changing the way you think in an attempt to insure that you don't cheat again. 

Maybe the pain of her leaving and having a new man will make you experience the utter devastation she felt twice. That may go a long way towards your development of empathy. 

You have been rewarded once with her forgiveness, is it fair to expect more?


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

DawnD - I can't help but sit here and wonder if I do deserve her? She's a good person, a good mom and a good wife. As with all of us, she has her own issues that we've had to deal with. When times were good, they were very good as we complimented each other well. We have helped each other thru some rough periods. Things were looking like they were getting better in our relationship. Maybe I don't deserve her but I would like the opportunity to show her that beneath all the s*&$ I've caused, there still is the good man that she married. Maybe I'd like to restore her faith in herself, me and us.

When the affair came out 2 years ago, I immediately cut off all contact with the OW. I accepted responsibility for my choices and asked my wife for forgiveness. I agreed to marriage counselling and we spent 6 months working thru the affairs and issues that we had in our marriage. Not sure if this was long enough but we both seemed to be moving forward. Since then I have been completely open, honest and transparent in regards to cell phones, online stuff, my whereabouts etc. I have made a conscious effort to be more open with my wife, to listen, to be understanding of her needs, to talk things thru with her rather than clam up. I have made a point of trying to reconnect with her everyday when I come thru the door. I have told her that she and our kids were the priority in my life and have been trying to show this thru my actions. 

I am in IC right now. Not sure if this therapist is any good at this point because I think she's telling me everything I want to hear.

Synthetic - I have to be in contact because of our kids. I haven't done a good job of it because I am always looking for the opening that she may be changing her mind. I have read your letter you sent to your wife. I was awestruck. I think I may do the same, just lay it out there and not expect anything back. But at least she would know how I feel.

I know I've lost her trust and respect. I want to get them back to show her that I am worthy of her love. I just need help getting there.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you answered the most common question of all with her? WHY did you cheat? Did you tell her why? Was it in a way that accepted responsibility, or did you deflect? Example of accepting responsibility:
I screwed up and the affair was 100% my fault. I made a terrible decision without considering you or our family. Or two terrible decisions.

BAD: I screwed up, but if you had been better at.... BAD BAD BAD lol. 

Have you two had that talk? About WHY you cheated? You said you had been working on her needs. Did you two read the Five Love Languages by any chance?

I do like the letter idea. Letters feel very personal, and you can make sure you say exactly what you want to say. I do think you are going to need some answers first. WHY you cheated. What you are going to do to prevent any more cheating. Voluntary STD testing ( I am sure you already did that). 

It still might look grim after that. Some self realization might help you out. Check out the CWI section and read the pain of others to understand her and understand what you need to do to even attempt to reconcile.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Catherine

The s*%tty part is I did care but I wasn't strong enough or had enough faith in myself or our marriage to stop. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop it when we were going thru rough times.

I have been dealing with the guilt and the shame for years now. I realize how much hurt and pain I have caused her. I've seen her suffering. I want so damned much to make it go away and make it right for her. I can sincerely say that I don't have it in me anymore to cheat. I don't want to. I don't need to. I was a good person at one time and I'm trying hard to get back there.

I know she is worried that if she opens up again, I will hurt her. I have learned and am still learning through counselling, and some self reflection on how to avoid getting back to that situation, and how to handle our issues, my issues in an open manner rather than running away.

Do I want her to live and misery and fear that I will have another affair? No. I want her to live in our marriage knowing in her heart that I won't hurt her again, that I have realized what she truly means to me, that I will do everything that I can to have the good memories again. I know it is asking a lot.

You may be right, it may not be fair to ask forgiveness...but I'm here looking for a way.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Have you answered the most common question of all with her? WHY did you cheat? Did you tell her why? Was it in a way that accepted responsibility, or did you deflect? Example of accepting responsibility:
> I screwed up and the affair was 100% my fault. I made a terrible decision without considering you or our family. Or two terrible decisions.
> 
> BAD: I screwed up, but if you had been better at.... BAD BAD BAD lol.
> ...


Dawn, I did answer the question of why I had the affairs. I wasn't a good communicator, I avoided conflict and I took the easy route (at that time). I owned up to my responsibility 100%. She was the one that indicated she had some responsibility in the situation. We haven't read the 5 Love Languages but I will get a copy. Right now I'm just trying to hold my head above water.

I've been thru the CWI section and it is devastating to see the stories and the hurt. I am ashamed at what I've put her thru.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

All in said:


> Dawn, I did answer the question of why I had the affairs. I wasn't a good communicator, I avoided conflict and I took the easy route (at that time). I owned up to my responsibility 100%. She was the one that indicated she had some responsibility in the situation. We haven't read the 5 Love Languages but I will get a copy. Right now I'm just trying to hold my head above water.
> 
> I've been thru the CWI section and it is devastating to see the stories and the hurt. I am ashamed at what I've put her thru.


You have to get over the shame, and find the information the people who have been betrayed are putting out. If you don't mind answering these two questions, it might help with the advice you receive.

1. Did she find out about the affairs at the same time, or find out about the first and then years later find out about the second?

2. How long were the affairs?

The first question is going to help people know her frame of mind when thinking about your cheating. My H didn't tell me, his OW's husband found me 18 months after the A had ended and told me. Everything felt like a lie. That can be one of the hardest things to get over.

The second one will just give us an idea of the situation. Year long affairs? Months? Days? emotional involvement, etc, etc. Sometimes people in the CWI can even relate if your situation sounds familiar and they can provide you with information to help try to heal.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Dawn


The first affair came to light 4 years ago. It had been on and off over a 4 year period with long periods of no contact. The second affair was exposed 2 years ago. It lasted 6 weeks during which time I moved out of our house.

She called last night to discuss a separation agreement and selling the house we just built. It was like talking to someone I didn't know. So cold and distant. I want to know where this person who I've been with for 17 years went? Where is the person that was hugging me and kissing me a month ago?

I miss my wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A 4-year long affair is BRUTAL for someone to try to get over. most women/men would not be able to work through that. It's the truth. THen you had another affair which you may have moved out to pursue? Even if that wasn't the reason you moved out, that is how she will view it (that you left and were having an affair during that time). 

Sorry to hear of your pain. Have you gotten a lawyer? Has she?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Surely it is fair to ask for forgiveness - hopefully she will grant you that for her good. She cannot forget. 

I must ask - I need to know because of my history.

What could possibly have induced you to do it again knowing what she would suffer? It just seems so heartless and cruel to do this to someone who forgave you once at your insistence. 

How could you pursue another woman and have empty sexual pleasure? How could stand to think of your wife's pain and humiliation and still get pleasure? 

This is the behavior of a cruel, cold, and dangerous enemy. The actions of someone who hates his partner. 

I liken it to accidentally pouring boiling water over someone, seeing their painful recovery from the burns and then doing it again. 

I don't believe that cheaters love their spouses, I think that is BS presented by councilors to increase their case load. There is no scientific study supporting this myth. 

Maybe the cheaters says love but what they mean is that they find the spouse convenient, too expensive to leave, loves the daily contact with kids but, it is impossible to love someone and knowingly hurt them at the same time. 

I lived with infidelity my whole childhood. It happened to my mother starting when I was 18 months old only two years into my parents marriage. It continued continuously until the day my father died, 24 yrs latter. 

I could never understand how he could watch her turn into a shell of desperate loneliness and painful endurance. 

He said he loved her but I think he must have hated her deeply. She is a sweet woman who is developing a very nice sense of herself now. 

Maybe you can help me. Tell me if it is really possible to love someone and humiliate them at the same time.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> He said he loved her but I think he must have hated her deeply. She is a sweet woman who is developing a very nice sense of herself now.
> 
> Maybe you can help me. *Tell me if it is really possible to love someone and humiliate them at the same time.*


Wow - compelling first-hand testimony.

I would also like to know the answers to this...


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Catherine

Thank you for your reply. I know my wife cannot forget what I've done. Unfortunately, it is part of us as a couple and always will be. I'm hoping with time and effort on my part that she can forgive me.

It is possible to love some one and hurt them, to humiliate them at the same time. I did. I love my wife. I have since the first day we were together. Somewhere along the line, I lost focus on her and on us. I lost focus on the values that I had for myself that attracted her to me in the first place. I'd like to think that values such as honesty, commitment, faithfulness are hardwired in but I don't think they are. You have to work at them, keep them in front of you all the time.

I didn't. I let them fade away and gradually bit by bit you lose the sense of who you are, who you wanted to be. You lose the picture of your wife and your marriage. The affair started shortly after this. It took me out of my everyday life with all the things that come with it ie. relationship issues, bills, work. For a while I didn't have to deal with it. Eventually it becomes easier. You compartmentalize the shame, the guilt and put it at the back of your mind. Its still there, you just don't deal with it.

Your boiling water analogy is unfortunately a good one. We attended counselling after the first affair and both thought we were making progress. However, looking back I don't think I ever resolved the question of why I had the affair. I said and did the right things to keep our marriage together. The second affair was like a junky or an alcoholic. We were having troubles and I went back to an old habit. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop.

I didn't hate my wife. I lost the connection with her. I lost the picture of our marriage that we both had. I did not stand up for the values that I had and was too weak to ask for help. In my case, after the second affair was exposed, it was like I came out of the fog. You realize the enormity of what you have done. You see and feel the hurt and the pain you have caused. The guilt and shame you have been packing with you comes out. You hope that it is not too late to relieve her loneliness and pain and to help her get back to the strong person she was.

It is possible to love someone and also hurt them at the same time. I did and I will go to the grave regretting the decisions I have made to hurt my wife.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Thanks so much for your answer. It helps me. It a very painful issue for me. I can't seem to resolve it. 

I have more to ask but I don't want to hijack your thread and interrupt your progress of your healing and support. Can I ask is you will post on my thread if your have the energy to do so? 
__________________________________________
What seems missing from your desire to be with your wife is a demonstration the of type of fundamental changes in character that are important in trusting intimate relationships. 

Honor, loyalty, compassion and empathy. These are hard to learn if you are not naturally inclined towards them, I think.

At this point, it seems your wanting to stay in the marriage out of love is not enough of an incentive to risk more pain on her part. 

Your love for her is weak or at lest not as strong as your love of validating yourself by having sex with random women.

I am not saying your conversion is insincere but, getting religion and instant forgiveness from a higher Being may be an easy avenue for you to handle your guilt. However, that is for you, not your wife. 

It may seem no different from the easy escapes from your pain that you have taken in the past. 

The difficult work of atonement for your deceptions may not have been done to the degree that would have been reassuring. 

Exploring what happened to you to make you so careless about the feelings of women may have convinced your wife she could rely on you not to hurt her. 

Telling her you don't know why you cheated is not hardly a incentive to trust you. Again, it may be indicative of your penchant for avoiding your pain at all cost. 

Working hard on your issues and coming up with a reason, would have demonstrated that you were willing to go through the pain of your past for the love of her.

I am making wild speculations so take it for what it is worth.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

I can say as someone who's wife had an ongoing affair with someone who I thought was my best friend at the time over 11 years ago, that the triggers, mind movies, and memories never really go away. You just have to learn how to process them. I got through it by "rug sweeping". I blamed him, myself, and everyone but her. I had to believe she was manipulated in order to get past it. To this day certain songs, and other memories from that time make me want to hit my head on a table and put my fist through a dashboard. I have never been able to enjoy sex the same way and it just became a duty and a release for me? Because I never dealt with the hurt and anger and just buried it, it has all come back to haunt me. So even though my wife is faithful and I don't believe she would do this again, we are headed towards seperation or divorce as I can't just let it go. I refuse to bury it again, and I just feel I need to move on... maybe in time we will work out, right now I need to make it all about me. So I guess after you committed yourself to her in marriage, and then chose to stick your...... in someone else repeatedly, not once, but twice, I can understand her needing time away from the memories to take care of her sanity! It makes perfect sense to me!!!


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Struggling4ever said:


> I can say as someone who's wife had an ongoing affair with someone who I thought was my best friend at the time over 11 years ago, that the triggers, mind movies, and memories never really go away. You just have to learn how to process them. I got through it by "rug sweeping". I blamed him, myself, and everyone but her. I had to believe she was manipulated in order to get past it. To this day certain songs, and other memories from that time make me want to hit my head on a table and put my fist through a dashboard. I have never been able to enjoy sex the same way and it just became a duty and a release for me? Because I never dealt with the hurt and anger and just buried it, it has all come back to haunt me. So even though my wife is faithful and I don't believe she would do this again, we are headed towards seperation or divorce as I can't just let it go. I refuse to bury it again, and I just feel I need to move on... maybe in time we will work out, right now I need to make it all about me. So I guess after you committed yourself to her in marriage, and then chose to stick your...... in someone else repeatedly, not once, but twice, I can understand her needing time away from the memories to take care of her sanity! It makes perfect sense to me!!!


Thank you Struggling

I understand her need for space, to reestablish who she is and get her sanity back. I guess I'm looking for ways to help her with that without letting my marriage go. Should I stay away and let her go thru her process? If I do that will she think I don't care and will it drive her even further away? On the other, I want to be there beside her to help her. I want to show her that I do love her. I'm struggling with not driving down to her place and being there for her. Does that infringement on her personal space drive her away?

Just looking for guidance on what to do.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

I don't know your situation and on one hand I feel bad for you, on the other hand knowing what your wife has probably been going through I feel you deserve whatever she dishes out! I would say write a letter letting her know how you feel and taking ownership for what you did. Tell her you know shw needs time but you want to be there for her and help her in any way because you know you caused her pain. Tell her you will do whatever it takes to make things better and you will go to counciling on your own to try to figure out why you allowed this to happen. Then, the ball is in her court! I plan on a seperation and I have no preconcieved notions. I may miss my wife and want her back, I may say I just need time on my own to heal? Either way, it is finally about me!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

All - I would not completely disengage.

Keep being as kind and caring to her even if she is cold. Don't become a doormat, she will not respect you. She needs to see that you are capable and in control of your self. 

Don't beg but be polite when you are in contact. Call her if you feel like you want but don't talk about the relationship or what you want from her.

Make the calls to see how she is doing and if there is anything she needs. I would not drive unannounced but you can ask to visit for lunch or dinner. 

I would work on being a man with a plan, fully capable of managing his life but choosing her as the companion that could make him happy. 

Show her you resolve and ability to think of her needs more than your own now. This is a time she needs to see that consistently. 

She may eventually return your love little by little. Keep giving her kind concern as long as you are able.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

All in said:


> Dawn
> 
> She called last night to discuss a separation agreement and selling the house we just built. *It was like talking to someone I didn't know. So cold and distant. I want to know where this person who I've been with for 17 years went? Where is the person that was hugging me and kissing me a month ago?*
> 
> I miss my wife.


What struck me about this part is the irony. She probably thought those very same thoughts in the years you were cheating on her or after the cheating was exposed. "He's so cold and distant. Who is this person that I thought I knew all these years? Why is he hugging and kissing me when he had been with two other women?"

Your efforts might be too little too late. That's what it seems to me.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Thank you for the advice Catherine.

I wrote her a letter yesterday and gave it to her when I dropped of my son for the weekend. I reaffirmed my love for her. I apologized for the pain and the hurt I caused her and our family. I apologized for betraying her trust and shattering her picture of our marriage. I asked for her forgiveness. I told her I understood her need to be separated and hoped she would find her inner happiness and peace. Finally, I told her what I would be doing to work on myself, to get back to the man she fell in love with. I told her I loved her. 

She wouldn't read the letter while I was there and she didn't respond to it. I didn't think she would. Just needed to put it down on paper what I was feeling. At least she knows.

It was a long drive home.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Coffee, the irony was not lost on me either. It is brutal the hurt she must of felt. I'm sitting here with my stomach in knots, my chest feeling crushed and fear and uncertainty running all over my mind. I am truly sorry for putting her thru this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Maybe you can help me. Tell me if it is really possible to love someone and humiliate them at the same time.


I believe someone has actually loved me, but was unable/unwilling to overcome their emotional brokenness. The results were often humiliating - and I did not understand them.

I've asked that person what it would take for them to actually be nice to me. I've received no answers.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Maybe you can help me. Tell me if it is really possible to love someone and humiliate them at the same time.


This isn't about humiliation it's about selfishness.

Like the OP I'm sure he loved his wife however he loved himself MORE.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

All in said:


> I'd like to think that values such as honesty, commitment, faithfulness are hardwired in but I don't think they are.


Maybe you're wrong. Maybe they are hardwired in for the rest of us and you're some kind of freak who needs to try harder than most. You failed because you failed, not because it's in the nature of all human beings to fail given situation XYZ. Start there and you might get someplace. You succumbed to hedonism, and all that psychobabble about losing focus and losing that sense of self is just whitewash.

I contended on another thread that cheaters have irreparable character flaws. Not me, yelped this one fellow. I only cheated once, that's only a mistake. You do it more than once, he says, then you have a character flaw. I said he was only drawing the line south of where he stood. Now you come along and try and draw that line a bit further south. You people amaze me.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Lascarx

Thank you for the reply. I have wondered if I am the exception more than the rule regarding having an affair or several affairs. Maybe I am a freak. The statistics don't bear it if you consider between 40 and 60% of spouses will pursue some sort of affair in a marriage (depending on your source). We can't all be freaks. Character flaws? Yes, I have them. Irreparable? I think they can be fixed if they are recognized and dealt with.


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## All in (Feb 1, 2012)

Mavash

I don't think it was because I loved myself more. I think it was because I didn't love myself enough to respect my wife and honour our marriage.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

All in said:


> Lascarx
> 
> Thank you for the reply. I have wondered if I am the exception more than the rule regarding having an affair or several affairs. Maybe I am a freak. The statistics don't bear it if you consider between 40 and 60% of spouses will pursue some sort of affair in a marriage (depending on your source). We can't all be freaks. Character flaws? Yes, I have them. Irreparable? I think they can be fixed if they are recognized and dealt with.


Friend, I'll say what I did to the other fellow - irreparable doesn't mean you'll do it again. It means the only weapon you have against doing it again is your own willpower. Some people have it in their characters not to do wrong, you don't. Willpower is all you have. And one way to weaken your will is to smear a nice smooth coat of I'm-just-human all over the ugly things you've done.

You shouldn't worry about me saying you're a freak. It tells something that that's the part that got you, but the part about trying harder than most, why you just passed it by like a mean bus driver. 

You ask me and I say I don't hold much hope out for you.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

All in said:


> Mavash
> 
> I don't think it was because I loved myself more. I think it was because I didn't love myself enough to respect my wife and honour our marriage.


Whitewash again. Stop spewing nonsense like you need to love yourself in order to do right. Just buckle down and do right. Maybe that means you tell your wife that marriage isn't for you. Hurtful but it will at least be the truth.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I believe someone has actually loved me, but was unable/unwilling to overcome their emotional brokenness. The results were often humiliating - and I did not understand them.
> 
> I've asked that person what it would take for them to actually be nice to me. I've received no answers.


***** Sorry hijack coming through  ****

This really touches me Conrad.

I had a very bad childhood and as a result, I have chronic depression. It is under control through meds and therapy. It is a lifelong battle. 

I realized early on that if I did not do something to fix myself, that I would be victimizing innocent people around me. Just like my abuser was abused in childhood.

No one lacks challenges in their lives, some are very severe. Victims are those who are powerless - children and mentally impaired - they have no power to get away from the abuser.

Reaching adulthood, is survival because one acquires all of the power and resources that accrues to adults. 

Would it be ok for me as an adult to wallow in depression and trot out my bad childhood as an excuse when I failed to be a loving wife and good mother and a good person in society? Not only no but, hell no.

I asked myself early on in my life - who should suffer for the abuse? 

Not me - I decided that my childhood traumas were not my fault so why should I suffer. 

Not anyone else either - It was not the fault of anyone around me so why should they suffer.. 

I took responsibility to vigorously pursue therapy and self help. I did not want to abuse others. No excuses. 

To do less is self centered and worse. Knowing what it is like to be abused should make one more compassionate and empathetic not less. 

The people who use their victim status as an excuse to victimize others are pariahs in my view. They know what it is like to hurt yet they hurt others. 

I am a survivor not a victim.

Altruism Born of Suffering | Psychology Today

**** end hijack  *****


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## blindtoitall (Feb 4, 2012)

I'm not sure with what you can do? Maybe be there for your wife, let her have her space. My husband cheated on me and unfortunately we were playing pingpong with our relationship for nearlly 2 years since we have separated. I want to trust him, but myself (not everyone) I look at it and think I could never do that to him? How could it do it to me if he truly loved me. I can't and will never understand, it has affected me and understand what ur wife is going through. I have got to a point now as I tried again with him and felt after a couple of months it just didnt feel right anymore. Goodluck.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

blindtoitall said:


> I'm not sure with what you can do? Maybe be there for your wife, let her have her space. My husband cheated on me and unfortunately we were playing pingpong with our relationship for nearlly 2 years since we have separated. I want to trust him, but myself (not everyone) I look at it and think I could never do that to him? How could it do it to me if he truly loved me. I can't and will never understand, it has affected me and understand what ur wife is going through. I have got to a point now as I tried again with him and felt after a couple of months it just didnt feel right anymore. Goodluck.


I don't believe it ever will? Some people on here say it can be better and that you don't want to go back to how it was before because that's what brought this on? I disagree.... Having sex with someone outside your marriage is never the answer and will never make things better. If you choose do do this, you should leave or at least make the decision to leave before you do it! Otherwise it's like saying...I love you but I just wanted to have some fun or take this other person/relationship for a test drive but keep you there in case it doesn't work? That's bullsh*t and there really is no OK reason. 

I am 11 years out, we buried it and moved forward. The triggers were always there and I just silently dealt with them. This was wrong and I should have been honest with my spouse and myself. I believe her affair, and my not dealing with it have been like a cancer to our marriage, and I can 100% understand your quote of "it just didnt feel right anymore." We have had a lot of good times but this has silently eaten at me and destroyed my desire and passion. My wife loves me dearly and has been a great wife and it hurts because I know I will never be the same.... I don't believe it can be better.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Struggling4ever said:


> My wife loves me dearly and has been a great wife and it hurts because I know I will never be the same.... I don't believe it can be better.


I don't feel much by way of triggers, at least as far as I know, but I know things could never be restored to any semblance of anything I would call a life worth living. My wife made her choices and pulled her tickets. Your wife too. You need not feel guilty if you finally decide to walk no matter what the circumstances.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some couples do work through infidelity and stay together. 

Others don't.

It really depends on the couple and if both mutually want to stay together after the fact or not. 

That's what it comes down to. What works for some may not work for others (be it divorce, staying together, etc). 

To each their own.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Some couples do work through infidelity and stay together.
> 
> Others don't.
> 
> ...


I don't know? I agree with to each their own, but I have spent waaaay too much time on here reading stories and even the people who say they survived it and they're ok are still on here? It's like once it happens everything changes forever and it becomes part of who you are as an individual and as a married couple. People say there is no guarantee even if you move on....very true, but there is a clean slate with someone who has never done this to you before. I wish the best for everyone and I chose to stay and have had a lot of good times but in my case even though I gave my wife the gift of love and trust, she gives me love, but doesn't trust me? So ultimately it has affected her as well. She says, I trust you, I just don't trust other women? My answer, if you ultimately trust me, nothing else including another woman should matter! For the record, I have never touched another woman, and don't plan to. Just my humble opinion......


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