# Not Sure Why.....



## JustSomeDude (Dec 5, 2010)

Im not sure how to start but here I go. My wife and I have been together 13 years but only married for the last year. We have had our ups and downs like everyone else, but we have always been happy until about 1 month ago. We had an argument that was all over a joke that went really bad. We have had our share of arguments but this was different. Like i had done before, I yelled those infamous words "Do you want to be with me?". To my amazement she shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't care. So, I ask again. She said she had been thinking for a while that maybe we should seperate. I broke all the way down at this point. This time I felt that she meant it. My very soul seem to be crushed. So, starting the next morning i starting giving her 100% of my attention. I couldn't think about anything else but her. Phone calls, text, grabbing her and kissing her as soon as she gets home, I was doing it all to try and make this pain go away.
Ok, now there is the basic breakdown but here's the problem. Now she keeps saying everything is ok. She says it was just a fight. She keeps smiling at me and saying im crazy. She also said all the mean stuff was just her being mean and nothing else. Everything seems ok, right? Not for me. for the past 4 weeks I have been feeling like I am crazy. I feel like everything has changed. I have starting noticing everything that seems bad. For example, why is it just her picture on FB and not ours, why did she forget to say she love me, why didn't she call yet. Everyday all day, I cant stop thinking about her. Its starts mini arguments because she says I'm in her butt and there is nothing wrong but she doesn't understand that i feel so much pain and really don't know why. She is starting to get aggrivated because she says she wants me to be normal again and happy. I try to do that but like I said I cant stop catching every little thing and making it a problem. She also said lets have sex a little less than everyday because she doesn't want it to get boring and that yet again hurt my feelings because like i tried to explain to her, Its not the sex so much as the attention I need. The only time I really feel happy now is when I am right up under her.

PLEASE HELP!
Thanks,
Mark


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I understand why you feel what you feel, and the thinking and behavior that goes along with it. But let me assure you in no uncertain terms, if you continue 'feeling' this way and believe that pursuing her and being 'right up under her' is the way to mend your relationship ... than you will lose her, quite possibly to another man who ISN'T behaving the way you are. End of story. End of relationship. May happen in a few weeks, may happen in a few years - but it will happen if you do not make some internal adjustments.

You feel anxious and at risk. The problem is that you are broadcasting those feelings to her as well. Those emotions NEVER accomplish the goal you want them to - feeling closer to your partner and their feeling closer to you. Especially if she has already started drifting away from you emotionally. It's poison. You want to try and recover your marriage? Stop being needy.

There is a line that is simple and succinct courtesy of one of our contributers, MEM: "It is acceptable to express your needs. It is not acceptable to be needy."

Why did she fall in love with you in the first place? What were you like prior to meeting her and when dating? Remember that guy she got the hots for? You need to rediscover him.

Seriously, many here have made the journey before you. In all honesty, some do not recover their existing relationship, myself included - but the goal is that you are better suited to deal with whatever the circumstances are, because you are becoming a better man. You will be a better partner, either to your wife, or to the next woman to whom you give the gift of your love.

But you need to let go of the belief that if she knows I love her and I'm hurting that she'll care ... she won't. Particularly if she is in the process of checking out.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JustSomeDude,

For your review:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I wish you well.


----------



## MIMO (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I understand why you feel what you feel, and the thinking and behavior that goes along with it. But let me assure you in no uncertain terms, if you continue 'feeling' this way and believe that pursuing her and being 'right up under her' is the way to mend your relationship ... than you will lose her, quite possibly to another man who ISN'T behaving the way you are. End of story. End of relationship. May happen in a few weeks, may happen in a few years - but it will happen if you do not make some internal adjustments.
> 
> You feel anxious and at risk. The problem is that you are broadcasting those feelings to her as well. Those emotions NEVER accomplish the goal you want them to - feeling closer to your partner and their feeling closer to you. Especially if she has already started drifting away from you emotionally. It's poison. You want to try and recover your marriage? Stop being needy.
> 
> ...


It is really smart what you wrote here. Really. I had experience with that before. I tried to be extra nice so my ex when she left me she told me: "Remember that day when you became extra nice to me? You actually did scare me and made me really decide that our relation should end".

Sometimes when we are involved, It is too hard to understand... A lot of emotional affections to our brains...


----------



## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Listen to deejo... I wish I would have known wha I was doing almost twenty years ago... My wife felt I was being "clingy" cause of my insecurities... And what you're doing and how you're feeling was me... My wife tried playing it off nonchalant the same but a very harsh statement of viewing me as a lesser man, followed by a temporary split, forced me to feel all the lovey stuff and kissing a** was means nothing if I could lose her for it....
Just relax be yourself there was something that got her interested to begin with...
Be comfortable and show self confidence, everybody loves confidence and she herself might feel herself start to become clingy for your attention.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Listen to this advice given by these good men, it is worth it's weight in gold.

A woman, she is going to be emotionally connected to the man she respects, and she is sexually attracted to. 

So your goal, to learn what a woman respects, and what a woman finds sexually attractive.

And this is just as important, to learn what a woman does NOT respect and does NOT find sexually attractive.

And to not only learn these things, but to express these things to your woman in ACTION and CONDUCT and BEHAVIOR, and not just mere words or conversation.

In short, words and conversations, during this time these are not your effective tools. They can more easy make you appear needy, clingy, whiny, and weak to your woman's eyes.

The walk, and NOT the talk, that is what is important! 

This forum, there are men here who can help, because we have been there.

Conrad posted the "Nice Guy" reference, it is a good place to start.

Also this may help:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ats-attractive-my-wifes-input.html#post181910

I wish you well.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Ok, so, i think i was through a similar situation so you just read this and say if it rings a bell.

Throughout our first years of marriage both my husband and i were quite confident. So when we'd fight we'd often throw words around and threaten each other, both being secure enough in the marriage and each other to know that neither of us would ever leave. We wouldn't have these fights often but when we did, we just forgot about them in the next few hours and everything would go back to normal. 

"We have had our share of arguments."

If they are of the above type then your wife is probably secure right now, knowing all is well, your marriage is safe etc. So if she says "i was thinking we should separate" she might just want to strike a nerve to see how you react, if you care etc. When people are secure in marriage sometimes they don't realize that their spouse may take something like this seriously. It's like some spouses who call each other "hey, fattie" and they KNOW it's a joke. Because they both know it's a joke they don't get upset. Get it?

My husband's response to me being threatened by him saying he'd leave me was somewhere along the lines of "i was angry. but you believed me? I keep telling you for almost ten years i can't live without you and i get angry once and say some stupid words and you actually believe me?"

That's because in marriages involuntarily we play "games". Sometimes we hurt eachother with words when we're angry at eachother but we deep down assume that the fight isn't serious and we revert to our normal behavior and life. I assume this sounds familiar for some. It's not the best idea in the world and logical, reasonable communication is preferred but let's face it, lotsa young couples will have this sort of fighting as well, until they figure out how to talk more maturely. 

Ok, in your case your problem seems to be that your wife probably has more confidence in herself and your relationship and so after your little misunderstanding she just went back to being happy and secure in your marriage by the rule "of fighting" i've just stated above. 

You, on the other hand apparently really believed what she said and your world fell in your head. perhaps you realized you're not so sure you can handle a separation or splitting up with your wife whom you love a ton and who is a major part of your life. In any case something scared the crap out of you and now you're perceiving an impending doom/threat to the marriage. That's just your mind's way to justify the fear you're feeling. You'll scan for threats to rationalize the situation until you make some happen just to find what you're looking for. That's why everything feels "crazy". That's because you were scared by something but now you can't figure out what it is. It seems real to you but there's no "clue" that proves its real and your wife denies it as if she's living in a different marriage. Right?

But as you can tell your perception of the fight and your wife's perception of the fight are different! That's why your internal struggle (not at all obvious for her because she just doesn't understand why you're taking it seriously especially after she told you it was just something she said when she was angry) seems silly to your wife (who might also be feeling some guilt over what she said and doesn't like to be reminded she did it over and over again) and a big freaking deal to you who probably actually "lived" through a breakup in the past period of time. 

Sad part is, it's your internal struggle and you're the only one that could fix it. The men above gave a great suggestion with the nice guy threads. I also hope what i wrote about makes things clearer for you. Once i understood the dynamic of this i realized i was worrying for nothing. Third in line...build your confidence. You might never break up with your wife but you need to feel deep down that if it happens you can handle it. That's how you can achieve inner peace. Finally, we can only trust people. We can't control them. Trust your wife, believe what she says and learn to be less needy. Good luck and hope my post helps at least a tiny, tiny bit because if you're feeling like i used to feel (the world of "nothing-is-safe-land") i really hope you get past it as fast as possible.


----------

