# Extremely confused; need advice



## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Hello all, new here but have been reading around the site for the last few weeks.* Im in need of some advice desperately.
* sorry for the long post but I'm not sure how to make it short. 

My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married only 1.5 years ago.* I am at the point where I do not know up from down or left from right. We are in our early 30’s and have no kids.* I feel this is relevant so I will mention it.* There have been 2 miscarriages in the 1.5 years that we have mourned.* She did take the miscarriages badly.* I supported her 100% through them the best I could and did everything she needed and asked for.* We cried together and laughed. They were difficult times.* The most recent was in July.* Per her doc we were supposed to take 3 cycles off from trying to conceive in an effort to allow her body to rest and regulate. **
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July was our 1 year anniversary and she wrote me a note that stated she is the happiest she has ever been and if the first year of marriage is the hardest we will be rocking in our chairs at 80. *This was after the 2nd miscarriage.
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We were supposed to start trying again in Oct but she grew increasingly distant.* Sex stopped and she changed like a light switch in the end of Sept.
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I sensed distance growing in our relationship and resentment pouring out of her. She started going to work at 5am and not comming home until late. *It felt like she was avoiding me. I brought this up and said we needed to work on our relationship and do things together.* This turned into her saying "It feels like we are roommates” talk.* Her saying that kind of crushed me a little, and after she said that it took one google search to see what that usually means.* I freaked out (to myself not on her).* We decided to do date nights to re-kindle the relationship.* The date nights were good for a few* weeks however it seemed like she was going through the motions and wasn’t all there.* I dove into cell bills and emails but came up with nothing.
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End of sept she decides to drive out to the outlets to buy new clothes.* I stayed home and planned to cook a nice dinner for the 2 of us.* When she left it was an awkward goodbye but when she came home the first thing she said was “I don’t know if I love you”.* This sent a whirlwind of emotion through me. Didn’t even finish cooking the dinner. Frankly; I cried and felt as if my heart broke.* Right or wrong reaction its what I did.* Kind of regret it now but it’s too late. The next day I brought up marriage counseling which she absolutely refuses to do.* She will not speak to a counselor. I felt so betrayed and abandoned.* Later in the day she asked me if I wanted to go buy new sweaters at the store as if nothing was wrong.* I was so confused I went.* Who says somthing like that then wants to go shopping?
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The following week was extremely awkward and all I love yous and other normal things stopped and I gave her some space.* She was being a very different women then the one *Ive known for 9 years.* The following weekend she goes on a trip with her mom to see her older sister and tells me she regrets saying what she said more then Ill ever know.* This kind of eased my anxiety a little but not completely.* She said this over txt.* Not even on the phone let alone in person.* But to her; txt seems to be conversation. I also brought up marriage counseling again when she got back which she refused to do.* I made the appointment anyway.
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*The following week we get in an argument.* She was working late and I had our only car.* I was on my way to pick her up when she txt’d me that Sean would give her a ride home.* Who is Sean?* She told me about Sean the week prior when they had lunch and drinks while working on a Saturday (I did not have an issue at all with this).* I called her and told her I would pick her up which she did not appreciate.* I replied to her that I was already on my way and that she doesn’t need a co-worker to give her a ride when her husband is more than capable.* Mind you ive picked her up 100’s of times from work.* Not once has something like this come up.* She believes I picked her up because I do not trust her and that’s why I came and got her. In our entire relationship I have never had trust issues. Ever.* She did have trust issues all along which I learned to deal with.* I left my phone accessible and know she would rifle threw it .* I had nothing to hide, I loved her and it made her comfortable.* I believe some of this is related to her childhood and the abandonment by her father at age 3.* She has not forgiven that event and still discusses it with me but im no psychologist.
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* During this argument she proceeds to tell me that she thinks the marriage was a mistake and that she married me out of comfort and the fact that she has always wanted to be married. She also said she has not felt loved in 9 years.* When I asked her what makes her feel loved she replied with simply ‘I don’t know’.* Any time I ask why something is bothering her I get ‘I don’t know’.* She moved out of the bedroom that night and it was like that for 3 weeks.
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The comfort comment cut me pretty deep as I do pay the bills like a fool, and have done so for a lot of our relationship.* The 1 car we have is mine which she has primarily used for 2 years.* I promptly asked for half the mortgage payment and other household costs which she agreed too and also recommended to her that she go buy a car which she did.*
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After she moves out of the bedroom things got very confusing.* There was 0 communication and I was trying to do a 180.* If I didn’t sit on the couch with her but instead sat on the love sofa she would say “what, you don’t want to sit on the couch with me anymore?” she made many passive aggressive comments like this which I let pass.* Then she decided to tell me she was not coming with me on our Trip to FL for thanksgiving to see my Family.* I wasn’t surprised.* Our original plan was to drive so the dogs could come but I instead*booked a ticket.* She changed her mind 3 times about going, ill go, I wont, ill go, I wont. *The final I wont go came after she slept on it.
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Prior to my flight to FL we went out to dinner and she asked about my flights as I had not said a word about anything unless she started conversations.* I told her my flight out was Friday and I wasn’t sure when I would be home.* She asked to take me to the airport and when I refused she accused me of creating distance.* I almost blew a fuse!* SHE moved out of the room! She said these horrible things not me.
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I ended up going to FL and asked that she give our relationship some thought and when I got back we needed to have a heart to heart.* She agreed and upon my return she said she doesn’t want to do this anymore.* I asked if she meant the marriage? She said yes; that when she woke up in the morning she wanted to tell me she wanted a divorce.* I asked her why she feels that way.* She said again that she married me out of comfort and that if we havnt figured it out in 9 years were not going to figure it out.* She has never communicated this whole issue with the last 9 years until now.* She ended up packing her stuff and moving to her moms because i said i couldn't live like this in the same house. *She also made a comment to me about wanting to have a kid and not wanting to work on the marriage. *It felt like she was more willing to find someone new to just have a kid with then resolve anything with me. Prior to her walking out the door she asked me if I wanted to go let her buy me jeans because ive lost 30 pounds through this. (im at college weight again 165,*only good thing)She has been gone since Friday and the only communication has been technicalities about the dogs.*
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I did speak with her mother as I am close to her family.* Her mother told me that she said we did not know what we were doing yet.* It just seems to me that she is so confused about what she wants and I have no idea what to do.** Ive been an emotional wreck for 2 months now.* I believe in my vows and through sickness and health I love this women.* The counselor asked me if she is depressed and I’m not sure.* She is so all over the place.* I want to keep my marriage for life but I don’t know what to do.* Ive tried to get her to talk to a psychologist/counselor and she refuses.* She has only one friend and doesn’t appear to be talking to anyone (that I know of). **It truly seems like she dosnt know what she wants and I need direction and moving forward. *All the odd comments she has made makes me think it's not over but she won't commit to working on anything. *I have dinner planned with her tonight but I'm not sure I should go. *Am I in denial? Confusion!!
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DNC,

My wife had two miscarriages before the birth of our first child and I can tell you that these put her into a depression, the depth of which I did not realize until many years (and a total of 3 kids) later.

As we spoke about it years later, she confessed to having some fleeting thoughts of suicide and that God must have thought she was unworthy of having kids so why go on?

At the time of the miscarriages she also turned down the idea of counseling and she was distant, withdrawn and pushed me away emotionally at times.

Since it seems that you've done your homework on a possible affair and found nothing, you should urge your MIL to try and get her into counseling ASAP. While she may not currently be involved with anyone, there are (as you seem to be aware) a number of RED Flags you've observed. 

A depressed person can be an easy target for a predator. She may view it as a welcome distraction or even view them as a possible mate able to give her the child she desires.

Good luck


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Thank you for the comments. I too see red flags and I have dome my homework and my gut tells me I'm missing somthing.

The issue with the MIL is that she is terrified to press her in fear of pushing her away. They don't have the greatest mother daughter relationship. I cannot count on her to do anything. She believes more in letting god sort it out.

Man this is so difficult! I have no clue how to move forward or if I should even see her tonight.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Since you've done some investigating already, you know that some of the tips include a keylogger and a VAR right?

Unfortuneately, since she is out of the house, these become more difficult to implement. If you really need to find out, see if you can get her to move back in with you (talk to her about an in-house seperation) and install the VAR in her car and the keylogger on the PC. If you have the $, think about a PI

You should also see what you can uncover about this Sean guy. Is he married? Has a GF?

Again, I would guess that her depression is driving alot of this behavior at this moment (again, just a guess). You should keep up with the counseling yourself and implement the 180. Join a gym, start working out to vent your frustrations and better yourself for whatever the next stage of your life may bring, either with her or someone else.

Last but not least (and I know you really don't want to hear this) you're still young and you should be thankful that all this happened before kids came along. You should spend the rest of your life with someone who truly loves you, not someone looking for a comfortable place to "hang out"


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree! I am thankful that this is happening now and not in 10 years!

I looked into The other guy and he is a 41 year old divorced man, so I could see him as the perfect shoulder for her to lean on.

180 I am going to try to do. We're supposed to talk tonight at dinner which I asked for and I'm not even sure why I asked her to go. I don't want to rehash the same conversations yet at the same time I hate this limbo! It's crushing me inside! Half me wants to go and half dosnt.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

As I said, you could always put the offer out there for her to come back while she thinks about it. Tell her she's welcome to come home and stay in the other bedroom while she works through her feelings and emotions with no promises to you.

If she agrees, it gives you the chance to dig a little deeper and see if you can find out if it's more than just depression. Get a keylogger going and buy a couple of VARs now just incase she takes you up on the offer! You could always return the VARs if you don't use them!


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## Traveller321 (Nov 26, 2012)

Toffer said:


> If she agrees, it gives you the chance to dig a little deeper and see if you can find out if it's more than just depression. Get a keylogger going and buy a couple of VARs now just incase she takes you up on the offer! You could always return the VARs if you don't use them!



What is a VAR? How do you put a kelogger on a computer in which you are not allowed the password?


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Yeah that is an option though living with her like this is maddening for me. Im not sure I want her in the house unless she agrees to moving forward together, like counseling. A place where she actually wants this to work and not be in limbo land.

VAR= voice activated recorder
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Traveller321 said:


> What is a VAR? How do you put a kelogger on a computer in which you are not allowed the password?


Traveller,

You don't have the password to the computer or the user account on the computer?


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