# False R finally falls apart



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I am shaking. I can't take anymore. I finally told H I can't stand it anymore. He is still maintaining that he does not know why I am "freaking out". I started packing and started taking pictures of my prize piano to sell so I could have enough money to leave. I was crying and telling him, "If I have to sell this because you refused to leave I will resent you for the rest of my life. No, I will hate you." 

He told me to stop b!tching him out" and finish packing. This was it for me. I told him he agreed months ago that I would decide who leaves the house, and I want HIM to leave. so he said, "Well, then I have 30 days."

I said "fine" and walked away. My heart is beating out of my chest. I can't stand this.

16 years and 9th year of marriage. This really hurts.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry. Can you call up a friend?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am afraid I don't know your backstory LWC, but I will go do some reading now to see if I can get caught up. Can you give me a quick summary? Ea? PA? How long has it been since DDay?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DDay= Jan 2012

I don't know what happened or how long it was going on. All I know is he had been going to sex hookup sites and destroyed the hard drive when I found out, so I assumed the worst. This is a nightmare.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Can you tell me what happened that made you start shaking?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

OK LWC----settle yourself down

Ask your self, one question---Is this F'ing, Cheating Jerk, you have for a H., worth, what you are doing to yourself---You know the answer is NO---so stop tearing yourself apart

Get out of the house, go visit someone---go anywhere---this may be tearing you up, and it is also an anger spike--but you need to get a grip---this isn't new---so you just need to suck it up

I know, you don't want to hear this, but you need to hear it anyway---get yourself under control

It is time to do a 180 for yourself, and to completely freeze your H. out, just ignore him, completely---do a NC on your H.

Remember half of everything the 2 of you have amassed since the mge. began, is yours---so you wouldn't leave the mge---in any bad type of situation financially, force the sale of the home, and half of those proceeds are yours.

As far as paperwork/D, if that is what you wanna do---read my posts in Bigtimemess's thread---it will tell you what you need to know, and do----just get yourself together, stop showing your H., any type of WEAKNESS---show him up, show him you are the better person

Right now, he is blithely riding along, cuz he in his own mind is certain, you will do nothing---its time for you to wake his LITTLE A*S up!!!!!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

What happened to cause this suddenly???


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> What happened to cause this suddenly???


Me. I can't take it anymore. I can't stand seeing him on the computer. I can't stand his crappy attitude. I am tired of not sleeping in my bed, with my husband. I am tired of the little morsels of affection. I can't stand the shrew of a wife I have become.

We fought last night. We fought at our last MC session. We've basically been fighting or ignoring each other for a while now. I can't stand it. We are supposed to be in R. He thinks because I am in love with him I will just put up with this forever.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What you describe is called "beating a dead horse".
You or he should have rode it out of town as soon 
as you found out about his actions.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I told him I want an apology from him for being an a$$hole to me last night. His reply?

"I am sorry I had a bad day yesterday and got mad when you came in the bedroom and starting b!tching me out."

WTF


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you sat down and actually wrote a list of what you feel you need from him to be able to R?

I will tell you this much: I truly believe that the fate of the marriage begins with the wayward spouse. If my husband hadn't had accepted responsibility for his actions, recognized he caused pain to me, and worked to be a better man and husband, then we would be divorced right now. If you don't feel he is working to fix the marriage, that should be talked about at the next MC appointment, along with your thoughts on even staying married. 

is this the trigger from seeing him online and his attitude talking, or is this the calm you, recognizing you might not want to be married to him anymore?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

hookares said:


> What you describe is called "beating a dead horse".
> You or he should have rode it out of town as soon
> as you found out about his actions.


I tried this. He refused to leave. Just like now. He does whatever he wants.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

If anyone cares, my original thread was called "Cloak and Dagger". If you read it, you'll know why.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

If it matters- I think youre making the right call here. Destroying the harddrive leaves too many unanswered questions and he lacks true remorse seemingly. Im so so sorry LWC.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can't find the original, only cloak and dagger 3.0 and 4.0


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39683-cloak-dagger.html


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> DDay= Jan 2012
> 
> I don't know what happened or how long it was going on. All I know is he had been going to sex hookup sites and destroyed the hard drive when I found out, so I assumed the worst. This is a nightmare.


I`ll check your other thread but he`s told you nothing about what went on?

Nothing?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I`ll check your other thread but he`s told you nothing about what went on?
> 
> Nothing?


Nope. Just that he went to that site a few times and he shouldn't have. I was so freaked out I went and got a full STD panel.

Also, I have found porn before. He's NEVER destroyed a hard drive over it. I feel sick.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would have a hard time imagining and R without any information over the betrayal. To be honest, I don't think you can R without knowing the truth. :-(


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I would have a hard time imagining and R without any information over the betrayal. To be honest, I don't think you can R without knowing the truth. :-(


Well, he swears I know everything and there's nothing left to tell. And he's sticking to that story.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Well, he swears I know everything and there's nothing left to tell. And he's sticking to that story.


But you don't believe that to be true, do you?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Have you sat down and actually wrote a list of what you feel you need from him to be able to R?
> 
> I will tell you this much: I truly believe that the fate of the marriage begins with the wayward spouse. If my husband hadn't had accepted responsibility for his actions, recognized he caused pain to me, and worked to be a better man and husband, then we would be divorced right now. If you don't feel he is working to fix the marriage, that should be talked about at the next MC appointment, along with your thoughts on even staying married.
> 
> is this the trigger from seeing him online and his attitude talking, or is this the calm you, recognizing you might not want to be married to him anymore?


I did bring this up and he got angry. He said he's been trying and I just keep talking about how its over. He has been trying. He has done everything except deal with our intimacy issues. He feels he has owned up and knows I consider what he did to be cheating. I can't move on and take the final leap of faith to R because something does not feel right. We are not close. AT first, he tried to say it happened because we weren't having enough sex. Then he said he realized he should have come to me.

But we still sleep in separate rooms and have zero intimacy. We are disconnected emotionally. I hate living with the love of my life in a shell of a marriage. Its like he is the ghost of my Boo.

I told him this also a couple days ago and he said, "We can have sex right now if you want."
He just doesn't get it. I want him to restore the trust so I can give myself to him again. Like it used to be. Real love.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> But you don't believe that to be true, do you?


NO. It makes no sense to me. If I already knew everything, why trash the hard drive? I know there's more. There has to be.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I did bring this up and he got angry. He said he's been trying and I just keep talking about how its over. He has been trying. He has done everything except deal with our intimacy issues. He feels he has owned up and knows I consider what he did to be cheating. I can't move on and take the final leap of faith to R because something does not feel right. We are not close. AT first, he tried to say it happened because we weren't having enough sex. Then he said he realized he should have come to me.
> 
> But we still sleep in separate room and have zero intimacy. We are disconnected emotionally. I hate living with the love of my life in a shell of a marriage. Its like he is the ghost of my Boo.


 I am going to be dead honest with you. I am the HD person in my marriage, my H is the LD person. When he talks of intimacy, I honestly don't know what the crap he is talking about. My thinking is if we are having good sex, then we are doing good. He has to break it down for me ( and use small words LOL). All I can say, is if you still desire the intimacy with him and still want to work on things, be specific. Don't say "I miss our intimacy" or " I miss being intimate with you". Go that step further and say " I miss when you would come home, and we would cuddle on the couch and flirt with one another". 

I still stand by my statement, I don't think you can truly R if the whole truth isn't out there, or if the BS hasn't had the chance to verify the truth, but you very well could prove me wrong.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LWC,

I remember reading your story now.


If you have been in this limbo for four months maybe you should drop those D papers on him ASAP.

Not to get your hopes up but maybe it will wake him up...maybe it won`t but at least you`ll have stopped the Mexican stand-off.

Have you keylogged his PC since he dumped the HD?
Done any investigating at all to determine if he`s still doing this stuff?

You guys are basically living separately in the same house, he`s got to be amusing himself somehow.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> LWC,
> 
> I remember reading your story now.
> 
> ...


I DID give him separation papers, thats when he wanted R. The SA is the first set of papers you get with the divorce packet. They sit in our MC notebook. They say I choose who leaves and that person gets 30 days. Thats why he said today he has 30 days. Now he's gone back to bed. And he knows I am in here on TAM.

I don't need to keylog, I can reverse anything on that PC I want. I did check up once on the cell records and found he was going online on his phone and deleting the history. He said he would stop doing that and has. Not that it really matters now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I DID give him separation papers, thats when he wanted R. The SA is the first set of papers you get with the divorce packet. They sit in our MC notebook. They say I choose who leaves and that person gets 30 days. Thats why he said today he has 30 days. Now he's gone back to bed. And he knows I am in here on TAM.


Did he sign?

You already know what he says is worth nothing.

He has no intention of honoring his agreement to leave, he`s said the exact same thing before hasn`t he?.
Then changed his mind again.

He doesn`t think you`ll actually leave so he`s going no where.

You really do need to change the status quo here somehow.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> did he sign?
> 
> You already know what he says is worth nothing.
> 
> ...


bingo.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I started packing and started taking pictures of my prize piano to sell so I could have enough money to leave.


I am seeing an auctioneer about selling most of my collection of "carnival glass" I have a lot of old pieces.. but I will do whatever I need to do to survive. 

I am sorry you are going through this.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am seeing an auctioneer about selling most of my collection of "carnival glass" I have a lot of old pieces.. but I will do whatever I need to do to survive.
> 
> I am sorry you are going through this.


Thanks all you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I DID give him separation papers, thats when he wanted R. The SA is the first set of papers you get with the divorce packet. They sit in our MC notebook. They say I choose who leaves and that person gets 30 days. Thats why he said today he has 30 days. Now he's gone back to bed. And he knows I am in here on TAM.
> 
> I don't need to keylog, I can reverse anything on that PC I want. I did check up once on the cell records and found he was going online on his phone and deleting the history. He said he would stop doing that and has. Not that it really matters now.


Stay strong! You are showing that you have guts by taking this step, and it will work out for you.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> OK LWC----settle yourself down
> 
> Ask your self, one question---Is this F'ing, Cheating Jerk, you have for a H., worth, what you are doing to yourself---You know the answer is NO---so stop tearing yourself apart
> 
> ...


Thanks jnj, you have always given me the kick in the pants I need. I am going to breathe in till I calm down.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> is this the trigger from seeing him online and his attitude talking, or is this the calm you, recognizing you might not want to be married to him anymore?


Both. I can't stand seeing him online. His attitude is getting progressively worse because I won't let it go. I won't let it go because nothing is coming back together. When he is in the same room - we are a thousand miles apart. The only thing that makes me feel better is playing the piano. I just listed my digital one on craigslist because I want money of my own. Just because it would make me feel like I wouldn't need to go to him. I just HATE that he can just go to bed! I feel like there is a hole in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon and he is napping!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

((((LostWifeCrushed))))


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I just don't know if my heart can take it. If he means what he says (and who knows if he does), then I can look forward to being disregarded/placated/smalltalked for the next 30 days while he looks for a new apartment, collects his separation package from work(his longtime corporate job ends next week), and moves out of my life.

I think I will die if I have to go through that. Maybe that is what he's been waiting on all this time. He will get 2 big lump sums when this happens. Oh My Gosh is this what is going to happen to me? Did I just figure out why he seems to be waiting me out?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I just don't know if my heart can take it. If he means what he says (and who knows if he does), then I can look forward to being disregarded/placated/smalltalked for the next 30 days while he looks for a new apartment, collects his separation package from work(his longtime corporate job ends next week), and moves out of my life.
> 
> I think I will die if I have to go through that. Maybe that is what he's been waiting on all this time. He will get 2 big lump sums when this happens. Oh My Gosh is this what is going to happen to me? Did I just figure out why he seems to be waiting me out?


Oh I really hope not. Isnt there somewhere you can stay for the next 30 days? A friend?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I just don't know if my heart can take it. If he means what he says (and who knows if he does), then I can look forward to being disregarded/placated/smalltalked for the next 30 days while he looks for a new apartment, collects his separation package from work(his longtime corporate job ends next week), and moves out of my life.
> 
> I think I will die if I have to go through that. Maybe that is what he's been waiting on all this time. He will get 2 big lump sums when this happens. Oh My Gosh is this what is going to happen to me? Did I just figure out why he seems to be waiting me out?


Explain this further LWC, I`m dense at times.

What sums from where?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Explain this further LWC, I`m dense at times.
> 
> What sums from where?


His longtime job at a huge corporation is moving out of state. You have to have over 5 years vested to get a severance package or move to the new state. He chose the severance/separation package. This means he will get so much per year plus cash out his 401k and his pension.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> His longtime job at a huge corporation is moving out of state. You have to have over 5 years vested to get a severance package or move to the new state. He chose the severance/separation package. This means he will get so much per year plus cash out his 401k and his pension.


That`s a nifty little twist to this whole mess.

If not a motivator this windfall is certainly a source of security for him to leave the marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

But you'll get 1/2, right?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> His longtime job at a huge corporation is moving out of state. You have to have over 5 years vested to get a severance package or move to the new state. He chose the severance/separation package. This means he will get so much per year plus cash out his 401k and his pension.


Good, now on Monday get to a lawyer and claim your half of it before idiot man-boy blows it on something stupid.

You can seriously upgrade from this idiot. So take a very deep breath. Now take another, hold it. hold it. now slow exhale.

Any girl who can play the piano, who can put the passion it takes into doing that well, can and will find a good guy worthy of her.

It's just not that idiot you are in the room with.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Good, now on Monday get to a lawyer and claim your half of it before idiot man-boy blows it on something stupid.
> 
> You can seriously upgrade from this idiot. So take a very deep breath. Now take another, hold it. hold it. now slow exhale.
> 
> ...


Thanks Shaggy! This would feel so good if he wasn't a virtuoso. As I know the reverse is also true.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> But you'll get 1/2, right?


Are you kidding? Its gonna be gone before any lawyer gets involved, he's getting it in the next 2 weeks!

But its OK, I don't want any money.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Don't be so noble, and if need be, go to an atty, and get an ex-parte unjunction, agst him dissoving marital assets---ex-parte means you file a claim by yourself with the court.---half of that money is yours.

Also go to his work place, and let them know you are to be listed, and notified on/of anything he gets---it is community property, so it is also yours, and tell them if they do not honor your request, you will file suit agst them, for giving away your property---otherwise known as theft. You are probably listed as the beneficiary, so your name should be there.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Are you kidding? Its gonna be gone before any lawyer gets involved, he's getting it in the next 2 weeks!
> 
> But its OK, I don't want any money.


You don't want any money and yet you would be willing to sell your own piano - for money?

Please rethink your position LWC. Sadly, the only compensation in the breakup of a marriage is financial. You are entitled to half of everything, and you don't know what the future holds. Seriously, my friend. I would suggest that, if you don't have one, open a bank account in your own name. Transfer as much cash as you can out of any joint accounts into your own. If any thing else, you need to look out for yourself and not be so noble.

My STBXH was the same as your in some respects. He too was cheating via his computer, his cell phone and in person. He refused to leave the marital home. I lived like you for several months, in limbo, in another room, while I planned my exit. Before I left, I retained a lawyer. I left due to "extreme emotional abuse". He countered with "abandonment". I have a strong case against him as I will be looking for spousal support.

Please consider you own future without him. Look out for yourself in the long term. Plan accordingly. You can always "stock pile" the funds in case you reconcile later, but for now I strongly recommend that you get what you can, and keep your piano.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Don't be so noble, and if need be, go to an atty, and get an ex-parte unjunction, agst him dissoving marital assets---ex-parte means you file a claim by yourself with the court.---half of that money is yours.
> 
> Also go to his work place, and let them know you are to be listed, and notified on/of anything he gets---it is community property, so it is also yours, and tell them if they do not honor your request, you will file suit agst them, for giving away your property---otherwise known as theft. You are probably listed as the beneficiary, so your name should be there.


Dead on jnj, I am the beneficiary. But I don't want any money. I just want peace of mind. I'm not going to fight over money. I hate that sort of thing. I have an excellent education. I can make my way if I need to. Just haven't worked in a few years.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Pretty bold of me, I walked in the bedroom and said, "I need money so I am taking it out of you wallet. I'll pay you back when my piano sells, although I listed it high so it may not sell for a while if at all, at the price."

Then I went to the market and bought an Arrogant [email protected] Ale. Its very refreshing and oddly appropriate.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I really feel your pain... I feel I'm in a false R too... Stay strong...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Crazytown, I love your name. I feel like I am in crazytown tonight. Its really so much ridiculousness. I am sitting in the study, my bedroom now, and my H is just going about his business as usual like I am not even here. We wont have any dinner tonight together or speak to each other. Its like this is his comfort zone, but I want to torch the place to get his attention. Its a crazy way to live. Truly.


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## Barnowl (May 31, 2012)

I am sorry that you are going through this. This forum has given me some good advice. Keep at it if you think there is something worth saving. Hopefully your husbands behavior will come around...


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I am going to be dead honest with you. I am the HD person in my marriage, my H is the LD person. When he talks of intimacy, I honestly don't know what the crap he is talking about. My thinking is if we are having good sex, then we are doing good. He has to break it down for me ( and use small words LOL). All I can say, is if you still desire the intimacy with him and still want to work on things, be specific. Don't say "I miss our intimacy" or " I miss being intimate with you". Go that step further and say " I miss when you would come home, and we would cuddle on the couch and flirt with one another".


Great point Dawn... I am the exact way as I need to be told specifically what my wife WOULD like me to do. I might think what I do are intimate gestures, but they arent to my wife, and I get confused in this whole romantic/intimate actions she wants from me. And boy let me tell you, its so frustrating when you think you are doing something right, only to be vaugly told you arent. The vaugness and generalizing really irks me, you husband might be like me and most other men.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LWC,

Here is what you should have said to him:



> Pretty bold of me, I walked in the bedroom and said, "*I need money so I am taking it out of your wallet. I'll pay you back when my piano sells, although I listed it high so it may not sell for a while if at all, at the price.
> 
> Oh and by the way, when your retirement/401K settlement hit the bank I am taking half since I am entitled to it. My lawyer has been informed that you will have it in hand in 2 weeks.
> 
> ...


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks guys. I don't know if I can be silent for 30 days while my husband prepares to leave me. I cant just stay "in my room" and be quiet.

Last night at midnight I go out to get something to drink and made the mistake of trying to talk to him. He sits in the dark, saying nothing. and I tell him, "I'm not just going to wait around here letting you boss me around, I have a right to be here. I cant stand living like this, I can't stand having to sit in the study and be ignored."

Silence.

Really? You're not going to talk at all?

"I don't need you b!tching me out all day, that's for sure."

I am just trying to talk to you! 

No you're not. You're b!tching me out"

Well, what is the difference?

"With you? None. You never talk. All you do is b1tch"

Ouch. Big Ouch. 

I just don't understand why you would get caught searching for my replacement online and then STAY WITH ME.Do you really think I am not going to b!tch when its been 5 months and we still live like roommates? 

When saying this my voice started shrewing out again and I just wanted to die. "I am not going to try to talk to you again." And went back to my "room". 

What is the point of this? He has all the money, he has hardly a thing in this house that he brought into the marriage. It would be so easy for him to move out. Yet he stays, giving me the silent treatment.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Pretty bold of me, I walked in the bedroom and said, "I need money so I am taking it out of you wallet. I'll pay you back when my piano sells, although I listed it high so it may not sell for a while if at all, at the price."
> 
> Then I went to the market and bought an Arrogant [email protected] Ale. Its very refreshing and oddly appropriate.


:smthumbup: (All that needs to be said, really!)


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I wish DD would get back into town with all the family camping gear she borrowed. LOLS 

I have a big desire to go out to the mountains and get my head on straight.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LWC
Not a bad idea. Your husband has issues. And you cannot fix them for him nor should you try.

Just D his butt and get him out. Guys like that never grow up.

Sorry.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Been a hard road for you Lost. I would reconsider the money. My grandfather worked a PT job as a janitor. He was 75 years old. He had just put a new roof on his barn (by himself) and did not want help. At the school he fell off a ladder and died a few days later. My grandmother did not want the "blood money" (insurance money). One of my great-uncles talked her into taking it and she needed it.

I know you want this to end and it is just another pain to go through fighting for the money. I know the type of piano you want to sell and hope you sell it.

Only you know how much you can bear and all I can offer is hugs. 

I just can't understand your husband, I really can't. He is in serious denial.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I do not understand any of this. We fought yesterday again after he knocked on the study door and asked if we are having our session today. I was so upset by this. After telling me I don't know how to talk only to b!tch, I guess I expected an apology. I shrewed out about this and heard the sound of my own voice. I am really beginning to hate myself. 

I gave him a letter pieced together out of TAM posts (made by others and edited for my situation) that expressed exactly how I feel. Since I can't seem to talk to him without losing it. Then when I lose it and start getting mad, he gets mad and we fight or go to our respective corners. 

I was so upset I felt like I was having a heart attack. I have to stop doing this. I told him I can't wait around and watch him move out for 30 days, I'd rather sell my music equipment, my appliances, everything and just move out with my own money. It takes an act of God to keep me from destroying his prized Gibson when he treats me like I have no power. I would never forgive myself for it and neither would he. I had to leave last night to keep myself from doing this.

Before I left we had an awful exchange. When he alluded that it was pretty good timing that I am leaving now that he is losing his job (meaning our current income), I snapped. "Are you saying I am using you for your MONEY?! I can do better on my own! I was making more money than you are right now when we married! Why would I marry down to use someone?! I am tired of being treated like some dependent who offers nothing but obligation in this marriage. This is a mutually beneficial relationship. And if you don't think so?, then take your clothes out of my washer, stop playing your guitar through my vintage cab, don't ever get back on the PC, stop sleeping in my bed!"

I know bad, right? And stupid. And out of control just dumb. 

I came back last night and told him I was sorry. I told him I love him and want him to have a good life. We are both just miserable. I can see how miserable you are. I just don't think our marriage is working out. We are not coming back together. And I can't live in a shell of what once was any longer.

He said. "Fine. I am tired of hearing how I am such a bad person everyday, anyway. I am not a bad person."

This morning I feel quiet and numb. I want to sell everything in the house but I am spent, emotionally and just want to sleep when he leaves for work.

Thanks to all the posters I plagiarized to put this together. It's called lastletter.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

LWC---just get out of the house, go visit someone---but come on enuff is enuff---get your D., in gear----If you don't put a stop to all of this, I fear you are going to have a mental breakdown

enuff is enuff---


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks jnj...

Just got a call on my piano. I am shaking just listening to the voicemail. I have played that piano forever. It has been my best friend. I learned the Moonlight Sonata on that piano. Man this is hard.

I have another full size fully weighted digital grand, but its in the shop. And it takes 2 people just to move it. This little 75 key was my practice one. I know its just a material thing. But it means the world to me. 

To sell it would speak volumes. To my soul.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Been a hard road for you Lost. I would reconsider the money. My grandfather worked a PT job as a janitor. He was 75 years old. He had just put a new roof on his barn (by himself) and did not want help. At the school he fell off a ladder and died a few days later. My grandmother did not want the "blood money" (insurance money). One of my great-uncles talked her into taking it and she needed it.
> 
> I know you want this to end and it is just another pain to go through fighting for the money. I know the type of piano you want to sell and hope you sell it.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Thor. I just wish he would come back to me, emotionally. I feel like that's going to happen as soon as I make a move to leave. All of a sudden he will say. "You don't have to do this. We can get through this." Why isn't he doing that while I am here, trying to R? He does, but not for long. The last thing I want is to divorce. The other last thing I want is to live like this.

The piano is symbolic to me. It is the time I can express myself without reservation. It is my healer and my voice. Once it goes it will start a chain reaction.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Thanks, Thor. I just wish he would come back to me, emotionally. I feel like that's going to happen as soon as I make a move to leave. All of a sudden he will say. "You don't have to do this. We can get through this." Why isn't he doing that while I am here, trying to R? He does, but not for long. The last thing I want is to divorce. The other last thing I want is to live like this.
> 
> The piano is symbolic to me. It is the time I can express myself without reservation. It is my healer and my voice. Once it goes it will start a chain reaction.


Do you know exactly and specifically what you want from him emotionally?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Do you know exactly and specifically what you want from him emotionally?


YES. And he knows also. We used to be very close. Now we sit in silence. It's fairly obvious.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Has there been any progress today LWC, or are things still where they have been?

Can you tell me what you are looking for from him? Dont have to be too specific, but generally? Asking how your day was, sharing jokes, holding hands, etc, etc


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Has there been any progress today LWC, or are things still where they have been?
> 
> Can you tell me what you are looking for from him? Dont have to be too specific, but generally? Asking how your day was, sharing jokes, holding hands, etc, etc


No progress. I gave him that letter last night that I attached here on TAM, and it only made him angry. He left this morning for work without saying a word.

I want my Boo back. I want to not sit in a room and have him be a thousand miles away or make small talk. We sleep in separate rooms. The most I have been able to hope for is a goodnight kiss on the forehead like a child. I don't feel safe with him emotionally. *I want him to restore the trust in our relationship so I can give myself to him again, physically and emotionally.*

That isn't happening. He will not address why he is seeking sex outside the marriage other than, "it was a mistake, it won't happen again" kind of response.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ahhh, so the emotion you are looking for is also tied down with the weight of his deception? 

I truly wish I could reach through the computer and smack him for you LOL. Do you think he is hiding (emotionally) because of his guilt?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Ahhh, so the emotion you are looking for is also tied down with the weight of his deception?
> 
> I truly wish I could reach through the computer and smack him for you LOL. Do you think he is hiding (emotionally) because of his guilt?


YES. Also, I think he didn't tell me the whole truth, which is why he destroyed the hard drive. He's downplaying, blame-shifting and playing the victim now. The best I have got from him is "I am sorry I hurt you". I don't want to go forward til I can see that he understands that this was his choice, tell me why he chose it and stop saying it was not enough sex that drove him to it.

All I hear when he says this is that it will happen again. What can I hope for if I get a serious illness and have to be in the hospital or something? I want a life partner I can trust to have my back.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Ahhh, so the emotion you are looking for is also tied down with the weight of his deception?


Yes, dawnd. Exactly.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well that makes it much clearer and simpler to me. You want the truth, and feel that you can't be emotionally close to someone who doesn't give it to you. Makes perfect sense, and I completely agree with you. 

He is basically waiting it out to see if he can make the relationship work without having to disclose an absolute need of yours to have the truth and your emotions toward him returned once you receive it?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

From the sound of it, I'm not sure your mind is in the right spot
to forgive him for destroying the unknown.

You think the worst of what could've been on that hard drive and
he works feverishly to cover up, lie and deny.

It's like he took the hard drive with all the answers to your questions, walked with you
to the shoreline and say "want this?", then threw it into the water.

Now you're stuck in limbo, just wondering... while he instantly
readjusts his lies to fit the smallest of possibilities regarding his actions. 

Minimize it and she'll leave me alone... pretend I didn't
do anything and maybe she'll stop asking/b!tching about it.

I'm sorry for your situation.

It sounds like you really need some time away from him.

I hope you can find something positive to do with all
of this negative energy that's being created. You need that.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> All I hear when he says this is that it will happen again. What can I hope for if I get a serious illness and have to be in the hospital or something? I want a life partner I can trust to have my back.


This is the thought that will guide you from here on out. My H left three months ago, and two weeks ago I found myself being rushed to the hospital alone. While scary, it would have been worse if my H were there, giving me a hard time for one thing or another. I decided that I would rather depend on nurses than a lousy H. And you know what? I made it through. Since then friends and even my boss said that if anything like that ever happens again, I should call them. You will find the support you need if you reach out to others now. Work on growing stronger and you will be better off no matter the outcome. Sending thoughts and prayers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Well that makes it much clearer and simpler to me. You want the truth, and feel that you can't be emotionally close to someone who doesn't give it to you. Makes perfect sense, and I completely agree with you.
> 
> He is basically waiting it out to see if he can make the relationship work without having to disclose an absolute need of yours to have the truth and your emotions toward him returned once you receive it?


Yes. And I think just being told, "Oh, here's all that happened, it never went offline. I was wrong, I am sorry." Just doesn't feel like enough. I know he is trying the best he can, I guess. 

I tried again to talk to him this morning and he said he just hates talking about problems all the time. SO, I said maybe we should fix them then. He said he has tried. I said me, too.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> From the sound of it, I'm not sure your mind is in the right spot
> to forgive him for destroying the unknown.
> 
> You think the worst of what could've been on that hard drive and
> ...


This is spot on. I have tried to address this many times. The issue is, he doesn't see it as him destroying the unknown because he has explained it to me. Therefore the problem has been addressed. 

He doesn't seem to understand that I don't believe his words because he was caught lying to my face. So I can only go by actions, and the action was to get rid of the evidence.

He will just reply by repeating himself. (I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong. I love you. It won't happen again)

"If I already know everything, why destroy it."

"Look, I didn't want that stuff in the house anymore. I thought it would be the right thing to do - like throwing out porn mags. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong. I love you. It won't happen again.

Why doesn't this feel right?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> This is the thought that will guide you from here on out. My H left three months ago, and two weeks ago I found myself being rushed to the hospital alone. While scary, it would have been worse if my H were there, giving me a hard time for one thing or another. I decided that I would rather depend on nurses than a lousy H. And you know what? I made it through. Since then friends and even my boss said that if anything like that ever happens again, I should call them. You will find the support you need if you reach out to others now. Work on growing stronger and you will be better off no matter the outcome. Sending thoughts and prayers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you so much for this. I am sending you a prayer also.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> This is spot on. I have tried to address this many times. The issue is, he doesn't see it as him destroying the unknown because he has explained it to me. Therefore the problem has been addressed.
> 
> He doesn't seem to understand that I don't believe his words because he was caught lying to my face. So I can only go by actions, and the action was to get rid of the evidence.
> 
> ...


Because its not. Its no different than deleting emails or texts between an AP so you wont find out. The point is to HIDE stuff from you that you wont otherwise know.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

One hour til my only prospective buyer shows up to look at the piano. Its like saying goodbye to an old friend. I am sort of hoping they don't show up. No, I am really wishing they don't show.

My H was very distressed to know I was showing the piano today. 

"That is the wrong thing to do. Its just going to make things worse for you. None of this has to be happening. You don't need to be doing any of this. You don't need to sell this piano. I gotta go to work."

I said, "I wish this wasn't happening. I really love you. I wish we could have worked this out. You really deserve to have a good life."

If I sell this today and start putting stuff in storage? This would be the last morning I saw my beautiful husband. Man, this is hard.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> "Look, I didn't want that stuff in the house anymore. I thought it would be the right thing to do - like throwing out porn mags. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was wrong. I love you. It won't happen again.
> 
> Why doesn't this feel right?


Beacuse:
1. He is not truely sorry
2. He is not truely remorseful
3. He did way more than what you think and thats why he destroyed the harddrive
4. Saying what you want to hear

It doesn't feel right b/c you know your H well enough to tell when he is being sincere. You know he is not. You can't trust him, he lied to your face. He is not doing ANYTHING to regain your trust. Just trying to tell you what you want to hear

Well guess what, its not what comes out of his mouth, its his actions. If he can't walk the walk after talking the talk, maybe YOU SHOULD WALK.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

There has to come a point in time when you'll have to decide if
you can accept what he's told you and if you're going to *choose* whether to believe him or not.

From what he's saying, it sounds like he's about as guilt stricken
as he's going to get over this. You mention that he's repeating the same excuses over and over, 
it would be wise to remember that this is all the cheating spouses can really say for themselves.

If you're honest with yourself, you're probably repeating the
same complaints to him over and over again... which is understandable, given your situation... 
but yet if it's not progressing to your liking, only YOU can make the *choice* to end it or where to go with it.

Blaming him for *choosing* to sell your piano is a tad petty imho.
What your telling him by threatening to sell something that means
the world to you is "This piano means the world to me and watch me walk away from it. Just like I'll be able to do with you."

You're better than that. The piano should have nothing to do
with the issues at hand. I know it means a lot to you. It should.
So do the right thing and hold onto it for your own mental well being.

If you can't take him/it any longer. Kick him out.
There are other options to selling items that mean the world to you. 
If he doesn't mean the world to you as well... then why would you trade?

Part of the terror that we BS's go through is getting royally 
f*cked over, then the weight of the R gets dumped on our
shoulders and suddenly, it's up to US to decide the fate of everything? 
That's a pretty big responsibility that wasn't asked for on the part of the BS's, such as yourself.

What you're dealing with is your own mind is normal.

I hate to say it, but it is normal. You need space. 

Go take some for yourself.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> There has to come a point in time when you'll have to decide if
> you can accept what he's told you and if you're going to *choose* whether to believe him or not.
> 
> From what he's saying, it sounds like he's about as guilt stricken
> ...


I am not blaming him for selling the piano. I have asked him to leave and he refuses. I am exhausted and worn out and stressed. I just need peace. I cannot take any time for myself without money. What other choice do I have? I know he's feeling responsible for it and I'm sorry for that. Truly.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

The guy is on his way over. He doesn't play, so I will have to play it for him to hear the sound. I feel like I just got voted off and I have to sing for my life!

But its OK. Its just a piano, right? Its something I know has value that I can sell right away. It wont even be enough $$ to move, but it will be something of my own. The last gift this piano has given to me. 

It is symbolic, you are right about that. All of my say in life comes through music. Its my only superpower


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Done.

Man, this is hard to do.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry to hear that the piano went, I know that must have been torture.

The only advice I can give you at this point, is trust your gut. If you feel like you are being lied to, then you probably are. If you don't think he will ever truly come clean with the entire truth, then he probably won't, or if he has you don't have enough faith in him to trust that he is being truthful. And with all that has been done, I wouldn't either.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Me. I can't take it anymore. I can't stand seeing him on the computer. I can't stand his crappy attitude. I am tired of not sleeping in my bed, with my husband. I am tired of the little morsels of affection. I can't stand the shrew of a wife I have become.
> 
> We fought last night. We fought at our last MC session. We've basically been fighting or ignoring each other for a while now. I can't stand it. We are supposed to be in R. He thinks because I am in love with him I will just put up with this forever.


So what you're saying is, you've found your strength.

I know this is a sad occasion, but I am happy about that.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Sorry to hear that the piano went, I know that must have been torture.
> 
> The only advice I can give you at this point, is trust your gut. If you feel like you are being lied to, then you probably are. If you don't think he will ever truly come clean with the entire truth, then he probably won't, or if he has you don't have enough faith in him to trust that he is being truthful. And with all that has been done, I wouldn't either.


It's OK. I actually cannot believe I really did it. I have had an emotional attachment to that one for a LONG time. But its like it had one last song for me.......sanity.

Every piece of musical equipment/instrument I have kept over the years has a back story and an emotional value far beyond its respective monetary value.

Which is why I was able to experience this as a parting gift. Yes, I cried big tears when it sold. I watched it get loaded and be driven away.....I was so grateful for what it had given me. The experiences, the frustrations, the epiphanies. The beauty.

I went over to my mom's to check on her and help with the church newsletter. Spent the afternoon typing up events pages that needed to be dropped off at the printer.

I also felt good being able to give DD money to help her through her first 2 weeks of summer term. And pay her phone bill (which she was down to text only on) and not have to go to H for this extra money. It was a small thing that meant a lot to her and to see her supported in her education is of primary importance to me.

I came home and H was involved in working on a music related project. I looked in the fringe and saw all the food starting to go bad. (We haven't made dinner or had a meal together in several days).....So I just put on some pajamas and started cooking, we didn't speak a word. When the food was done, I said, "All this food is going bad, it really shouldn't be wasted like this. I need to eat something healthy and take my meds."

I did this quietly and unshrewlike. I felt like myself again. I took a plate into the library and streamed iheartradio and went to bed. I heard him finally in the kitchen (I made a lot) and was glad he was eating something healthy instead of it just being thrown away. 

He left this morning without a word.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OK, guys, I have finally done it. It an effort to maintain my DONE WITH THE BS mentality, I have logged in to his facebook and hit *download personal archive* or something like that. Now it says it will send an email when its ready. I have always had access to this account so I expect nothing but a squeaky clean verification of the official story. I sure hope it happens before 6pm......

The waiting is the hardest part.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> OK, guys, I have finally done it. It an effort to maintain my DONE WITH THE BS mentality, I have logged in to his facebook and hit *download personal archive* or something like that. Now it says it will send an email when its ready. I have always had access to this account so I expect nothing but a squeaky clean verification of the official story. I sure hope it happens before 6pm......
> 
> The waiting is the hardest part.


Just know that a few weeks ago, Almostrecovered pointed out that it won't include "everything"--if stuff was deleted it won't be included. I had thought it did, but then I went in and double checked and he was right.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Just know that a few weeks ago, Almostrecovered pointed out that it won't include "everything"--if stuff was deleted it won't be included. I had thought it did, but then I went in and double checked and he was right.


OMG, CTU.......As predicted, tumbleweeds actually floated across the screen. That, or I need to be admitted to the asylum.

I remember Thorburn's var moment recently. When he heard about his trying to buy a house as a means to "isolate" his beloved....the woman he was doing this all for.....her voice... I never forgot that. There is an old saying that says....if you fall down to the temptation of Surveillance, no matter how much you adore the subject....you will always see something you don't like.

What did I find? Everything I already know. But even better. Him speaking highly of my brother.....Trying to talk to his troubled nephew. Lot's of friends from work....lots of female coworkers pending to be added. Old band mates....Chats I have had while logged on his account...Squeaky clean.

This is the part where you question yourself...Is this the effect of gaslighting perfection? Or have I truly met the WALL, of what I will ever know...


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Are you filing for D?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> OMG, CTU.......As predicted, tumbleweeds actually floated across the screen. That, or I need to be admitted to the asylum.
> 
> **********
> 
> Squeaky clean.


eh--my H's FB page is clean too. He made a deliberate point to never friend the OW.

Then I remembered he had a second FB page he set up a few years ago when he lost access to his first page due to losing an email account (left the job).

So I got busy and guessed the password / email combo eventually.

It had less stuff than the first.

Some cheaters just don't use FB! Texting was what floated my H's boat.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Mine started out chatting on FB,, but I know he deleted the messages..so I won't get...

He preferred talking on phone since a truck driver , gone 5 days a week away from me...... plus he could call them when he went through all the towns they used to "hang out" together years ago... :loser:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well, the second piece of vintage musical equipment I was readying to sell was the One. I guess that's when the light bulb went on for him, that I was done going round and round and wanted the madness to end, no matter the cost.

We talked and talked and he seemingly understood. I finally feel I flipped the status quo but it took a great deal of personal soul searching to do this.

Selling the piano gave me back my dignity somehow. 

I suppose I could have found another way to do this. Rather than externalizing my emotional state in order to deal with it successfully.... I really need to harness a greater internal locus of control.


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