# He's never wrong



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Anyone that has read my thread might know I classify my H as passive-aggressive. 

Concise background info before I mention our argument:

(1) Financially, we are very blessed. My H is involved in trading and does quite well. I am a physician and do a decent job. 
(2) My H is also the manager of my clinic since he has lots of free time. 
(3) In the past, I had complained about the stress of my job. However, I rarely do that now because I got partners and now have more free time.
(4) I have many hobbies/interests. Languages, culinary arts, writing. People compliment me (nice meals for friends, articles published in local newspaper), but my H wishes I did none of that .

So my H got a call from my elder son, who's in boarding school. He told Dad he did not do so swell on one final, but the grade should be ok (A- maybe). My H blew his top off @ me (he knows better than doing it @ his son, who has long chosen to ignore Dad's crap). I said, call the school counselor. He did and we both talked to him. He again said not to worry, your child is brilliant and in the top 5% of his class. 

Later @ night I was making a pretty cake for younger son's school party. (not a nice thing to do since the kitchen was pretty messed up). H came, sat down, and started going off about HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE WITH A DIFFERENT *VALUE SYSTEM*. I know exactly what he's saying. He always throws me and son in the same category: too many hobbies, not interested in regular work, _dreamers_. I reminded him (very calmly, I was frosting a cake) son and ME are different because son is OUT at age 18. I am an adult and his spouse. He went on his paternalistic rant and said "why should I work and let people reap the financial benefits?" Again I said son will be on his own soon, we will make sure he knows that, and I am not reaping his financial benefits. I said "I do make $". 

He then said "WHAT do you make?" (translation: negligible).

I hardly think what an MD makes is negligible, but that is not the point. I said some wives do not work and their H's are not having a cow. Then H said "oh, so you want to be one of those people huh." Went on his usual lecture of how I would be no where if he was not helping with the clinic. 

I said if he always feels I am "reaping benefit" he should cancel our summer vacation plan. Did not argue with him, waited until this AM and said "so you wanna cancel my ticket?" He said "sure, you want to cancel, you got it." So I had to sit him down again and went thru this PAINFUL STUPID OLD discussion about how his words just hurt people. But to no avail. He always says he has no intention of hurting me (but he says this in the most impatient and condescending tone, not in a comforting, reassuring manner). He says I pick out his words and attack him. 

If a H makes more $ than the W, so what, she should be put down for that? And just because the W has more interests, she is not a "serious adult"? So many people come to see me because they like the "cool doc". I do not care if H is the most boring person in life, but why do I have to be the same way? 20 years should be long enough to learn respect and tolerance...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When he does that, just look at him and ask if he's having a bad day. This is about him, not about you. Don't internalize it.

Do you work full time? You are obviously a hard worker. Surely he realizes how hard you had to work to get your MD?

Could you get someone else to do what he does at your clinic? That way he can stop using that against you.

How much work does he do around the house and helping with the children?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok. Brace yourself for some additional criticism. Why did you participate in this ridiculous interchange? When he turned condescending, the conversation is over. Every time. Period. Getting him out of the clinic operations might be a good idea if he thinks you can't survive without him.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> When he does that, just look at him and ask if he's having a bad day. This is about him, not about you. Don't internalize it.
> Do you work full time? You are obviously a hard worker. Surely he realizes how hard you had to work to get your MD?
> Could you get someone else to do what he does at your clinic? That way he can stop using that against you.
> How much work does he do around the house and helping with the children?


(1) Most of the time I try not to internalize it. He badgers me so frequently if I took it personally every time I would be long dead.
(2) I do not work full time now. That's after we got some partners. However, my income is not affected much since I am the owner. As far as "hard worker" is concerned, I can tell you EXACTLY what my H would say about me. He would say "she is a hard worker if she is doing what she likes". Hear the sarcastic tone?
(3) He WANTS to be involved in the clinic. Yet he complains. 
(4) This is the problem. He does A LOT. He is meticulous. He criticizes my work. I have gotten so afraid over the years I double triple quadruple check if I have wiped everything. I am naturally not a good houseworker, but I try. He is the best father, but I am not a bad mom (although after years of making me believe in that I think he has succeeded somewhat). But he does not supervise kid's HW or fix broken Lego sets.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

KanDo said:


> O When he turned condescending, the conversation is over. Every time. Period.


Normally, that would be sound advice for every couple. But I am just making it clear to him he is still doing it, since I went to see a D attorney recently and told him I can only handle so much hurting. He said he wanted the marriage. If I cannot make him see things are really not going the right way, it does not seem fair to serve the papers.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> (1) Most of the time I try not to internalize it. He badgers me so frequently if I took it personally every time I would be long dead.
> (2) I do not work full time now. That's after we got some partners. However, my income is not affected much since I am the owner. As far as "hard worker" is concerned, I can tell you EXACTLY what my H would say about me. He would say "she is a hard worker if she is doing what she likes". Hear the sarcastic tone?
> *Stop responding or caring about his definition of how hard you work.*
> (3) He WANTS to be involved in the clinic. Yet he complains.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> Normally, that would be sound advice for every couple. But I am just making it clear to him he is still doing it, since I went to see a D attorney recently and told him I can only handle so much hurting. He said he wanted the marriage. If I cannot make him see things are really not going the right way, it does not seem fair to serve the papers.


If the point is to make him aware that he's still doing it, the have a simple pat response for when he's doing it. 

"You are descending into condescension again. Stop!"

That’s all you say to him. Instead you are engaging him and causing the “conversation” to continue and drag on. If you refuse to carry your side of this “conversation” then it will stop.

Also, when he’s not in this sort of mood tell him that it’s simple. That people are different. Neither of you is better than the other. 

You have what you like. He has what he likes. It’s ok. He has no right to put you and your son down for enjoying a lot of activities. So he needs to back off and find a way to deal with your differences. When he gets frustrated with the differences it’s his responsibility to find a way for him to deal with it. For example he can get away from it for a while but going for a walk; a bike ride; to a quiet room where he can enjoy order, maybe even listen to music.

Now on another note, I could be off here but want to address the many hobbies and activities thing. I’m wondering if what sets him off is some level of chaos that surrounds having so many activies. For example you said that you were making a cake and yet the kitchen was a mess.

I come from a family that is a lot like you, talented people with many interests. And many of us married people who are like your husband. I have 7 siblings and dozens of nieces and nephews, hence the use of the word ‘many’.

What I’ve noticed is that those of use with many interests and hobbies also tend to make a mess with them. We might have more than one project going at a time. So the sewing machines it up and all the sewing stuff out. The kitchen is a mess but we are baking someone’s wedding cake. And so forth.

Is this happening in your house? If so is this the trigger that gets your husband? He needs more order than you do?

If so, find a way to control hobbies. One of my sisters did it by dedicating a room in her house to her art, sewing, jewelry making, and on and on. Her messes used to drive her husband nuts. Now that she can close the door on her ongoing project there is peace in home.

Now I could be wrong that the above is an issue. But the way you described the cake/kitchen thing makes me wonder if this is what triggers your husband often.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Now on another note, I could be off here but want to address the many hobbies and activities thing. I’m wondering if what sets him off is some level of chaos that surrounds having so many activies.


Absolutely. The guy is a neat freak. But I have become much more orderly in the past 20 years. I try to confine my things to one area but the kitchen stuff is hard. However, I do clean up EVERYTHING. You just cannot drop a fondant cake (fondant gets all dried up since I make my own) and go clean everything up. 

The problem is I have become a little version of Julia Roberts in _Sleeping with the Enemy_, i.e., I panic when I realize a fork is not washed (and H caught it), or a spot on the table is not clean, blah blah. I mean it's completely ok to tell me what needs to be done, but not to do it in a condescending way. It's a combination of nagging (in this department our house is definitely atypical. I never nag unless it's something about the kid), and then shaking his head, basically letting me know how hopeless I am. 

Appreciate advice. I definitely want to cut the meaningless conversations short. It's just over the years I have become sensitized to certain words which then become triggers. He does walk away from arguments, but I get all revved up when he does that because he is just showing his disdain. He never comes back and apologizes. I have to wring an apology from him, again it's completely stupid to get that "I am sorry", I guess I am doing it in the hope he will remember to not say the same thing next time. But he still does. So, eventually, I will/should give up expressing myself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jennifer,
Are there a set of specific "triggers" like child not excelling at school which cause him to flare on you?

Or, is he possibly generally angry at YOU, because he feels unappreciated (not saying he is right or that his expectations are reasonable) and because of that he is sometimes looking for a reason to flare at you?

I only ask because the strategy is different, depending on the underlying driver of his bad behavior. 

His behavior needs to change. If it is situation 1 above, it is mostly individual counseling. If it is mostly (2) above it is marriage counseling. 








jennifer1986 said:


> Anyone that has read my thread might know I classify my H as passive-aggressive.
> 
> Concise background info before I mention our argument:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Who makes the money does not matter.

H makes more money than W in this household. And gee... guess who gets to pay ALL the household bills, groceries, meds, medical insurance, etc, etc? W (me) !! 

Oh happy happy joy joy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"since I went to see a D attorney recently and told him I can only handle so much hurting. He said he wanted the marriage"

Jen, since he said he wants the marriage, have the two of you done any counseling?

I agree with the others about getting him out of the clinic. That way you can show him that you can handle it on your own and you're not his child that needs their hand held every day

" I panic when I realize a fork is not washed (and H caught it)"

I see this as possibly a little OCD and controlling. Has he persued any IC to try and deal with these type of issues?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jen,

It's been a couple of days....You OK?


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