# What kind of personality disorder is this??



## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I've been with my husband for about 15 years with a major separation in between (I left him because I couldn't stand the jealousy and issues).
He's always been the same way and I've always thought something was wrong with him. However, I have something wrong with me too apparently since I'm still with him.:scratchhead:

I know no one on the internet can diagnose but can you give me some ideas?

He has always been insanely jealous and possessive. There has definitely been a history of emotional abuse. He interrogates me whenever I am away (work, gas station etc.), calls me constantly to "check up on me". He has managed to estrange most of my friends and family over the years. I am constantly being accused of cheating even though I never have. As a matter of fact HE was the one recently caught in an EA. I put up with all of that because his ex-wife cheated and he was supposedly traumatized by her.

The other things he does are:

-turn little fights into major blow outs (I cannot remember one vacation, trip, etc. that has not been ruined by his temper or a bout of jealousy etc.)

-make me doubt things that I know to be true (I guess he's gas lighting me)

-makes me feel like I'M the crazy one

-when he does not want me to do something (such as dinner with friends) the fight goes like this every time---- first he begs and pleads for me not to go, then he yells at me for probably cheating on him and wanting to leave him, then threatens to pack up and leave me if I go, progresses to threatening me with custody of the kids if I "abandon" them

- black and white, all or nothing thinking

-very high sex drive, he is never satisfied even with more than once per day

Through my own IC I have become a stronger person and have been standing up for myself a bit more. So, he now tells me that the problem was always with me...because I did not stand up for myself? :scratchhead:

Anyway, some other traits he has:
-very immature (everything is always someone else’s fault, no personal responsibility)
-always changes the subject back to himself, constant interrupting
-financially irresponsible (we both work but I pay all the bills or else he would just spend the $)

Ok, well I know I didn't paint a very nice picture of him but there are a lot of good parts too. Otherwise I wouldn’t be with him still...

Does this description scream out any particular disorder when you read it??


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Check the cluster B's. In the old days, he would fit under cluster A (a-hole).


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to me.

Check this - Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners and the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Sorry to hear.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To me it sounds like a failure to pack his sh^t and GTFO disorder.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

thunderstruck said:


> Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to me.
> 
> Check this - Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners and the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.
> 
> Sorry to hear.


I was scared that was going to be the answer...


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> I was scared that was going to be the answer...


Don't be. I'm just some FN guy on a forum who has read a lot on BPD (due to W's behavior). Do your own research, and hopefully you'll find that I'm wrong. No matter what, you need to become an expert on boundaries, and you need to lay them down on this oversized child.

Also, Runs Like Dog's reply is way better than mine.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I suspect that there may not be a disorder (could be) but that it stems from his past abuse and his ex cheating on him. That the issue has more to do with trust issues, insecurity and low self esteem.

My other concern is that he is accusing you of cheating. Is he projecting his misbehavoir onto you? 

Then he is controlling you. Ending relationships with friends and relatives.

MC can help both of you with communication, etc. The way he reacts is typical of a person who is not mature and is insecure.

You already had one major separation. What did he do during this time? How did you decide to work things out and how did you come back together?

In the mean time I would firmly tell him the next time he gets mad that you will not put up with it. That you are willing to discuss things quietly over coffee and that we will set a time (one hour) to discuss this or that. I would also tell him that he will no longer be checking on you when you are out. Tell him I will tell you what I did or where I went but no more hounding me. That you will be an open book but you will no longer put up with obsessive checking and questioning.

I am sure you have your own issues and that too is open for discussion. Set time for these discussion and tell him to stop ambushing you and that we can sit down and talk.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Also sounds a tad ADD/ADHD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Ex cheated on him? He's permanently scarred and it's up to you if you want to stay with him.
Trust issues will keep me single the rest of my life.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> I suspect that there may not be a disorder (could be) but that it stems from his past abuse and his ex cheating on him. That the issue has more to do with trust issues, insecurity and low self esteem.
> 
> My other concern is that he is accusing you of cheating. Is he projecting his misbehavoir onto you?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice.

When we were separated I moved out, filed for divorce and bought my own house. He never really left me alone or moved on. I dated, he dated but he still called me multiple times per day and hid his dating life from me (he pretended he was single and fully aviailable to get back with me at the drop of a hat). He threatened my boyfriends, drove by mu house and even dug in the trash for "evidence". He took me to court multiple times over custody and generally made my life hell. He also had inappropriate "relationships" with girls 20 years younger who would move in within a week or two of meeting him and "help" with my kids. That was very hard for me to handle. He has horrible, horrible judgement. 

I'm embarrassed to admit this but I believe that most of my logic at getting back together with him was to keep my kids and myself safe. 

To give him some credit he did quit drinking (yes he's an alcoholic too) and start counseling. Both of these things did not last though as soon as I allowed him to move in with me (it took a year of dating, counseling etc. before I agreed). Slowly over the last 2 years he has spiraled back into the very person I left.

I already know what being apart from him is like (hell for me and kids) and it's almost easier to just stay with him and protect my children from his outbursts and rage.

I do agree I need help with setting boundaries. I will say IC has allowed me to make a lot of progress in this area. I have stopped giving into his temper tantrums and ulitimatums.

I agree that part of his accusing me of cheating is projection now that we have the discovery of his EA on top of everything else. When I thought he was devoted and faithful all of these other issues seemed easier to handle. Now that I don't have that either I am not sure what is keeping me here other than the memory of my awful separation experience!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> To give him some credit he did quit drinking (yes he's an alcoholic too) and start counseling. Both of these things did not last though as soon as I allowed him to move in with me...


So he's drinking again? This thread gives me chills, b/c the full description of the H reminds me a lot of my abusive/alcoholic father. How old are your kids again? My mom took the beatings and his cheating for years b/c she thought she had to keep the family together. 

I saw things that no child should have to see, and at age 10, I told myself that the next time he put his hands on my mom or older sis, one of us was going to be carried out of the house in a bag. The idiot left his shotguns in my closet, so that part was easy. I kept my plan to myself, but luckily my mom said she just got a gut feel that I was about to break...and that something really bad was about to happen. One night we left the house (under police escort) with just the clothes on our backs.

Maybe that isn't your situation at all. I hope not, but something to keep in mind.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

He is an alcoholic, rage issues, etc. Man o man. I get where you are coming from, but you need to get out. The more you tell us things the bleaker it becomes.

He is a dangerous man.


Get help. You can do it as tough as it may seem. You did it once and yes it was he*l but this is not a good life. I had two neighbors that I grew up with and seen their fathers act just like your husband. Both fathers grew up and out of their anger, drinking, etc, but it was late in life and the damage and chaos that they caused was never mended. My grandparents neighbor was a Major league ball player but also a raging alcoholic. He bought my grandparents original home and a few acres of their farm and lived right across the dirt lane from them. We would visit just about every Sunday when I was growing up. It was horrible when "Heinie" was drunk, and he would kick his kids and wife out of the house and they would then spend time with us. My cousin bought the farm from my grandmother, "Heinie's" children and wife moved out. Many years later Heinie died. No one knew it for four weeks, that is when my cousin decided to call the police due to the smell. He played for the Boston Braves and the Phillies but wasted his life with booze. His wife and kids left him and he died alone.

You deserve better.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Oh god Thunderstruck that is a scary story. I do realize that in my day to day life I down play his behavior because the reality is too scary to believe. An educated, professional woman caught in the same old abuse cycle... My kids are both young (under 10) but your story scares the crap out of me... The last thing I want is for my kids to be put through what you described...

Thorburn- thank you for your words as well. I do know deep down that I need to get out it just gets soooo overwhelming because I know what I'm in for... already lived it...

I guess deep down I was hoping he would latch on to someone else (poor, future girl...) and maybe leave me! That way he would have someone else to obsess over and break his tie to me. I thought that maybe he was gearing up for it when he had his EA.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> I've been with my husband for about 15 years with a major separation in between (I left him because I couldn't stand the jealousy and issues).
> He's always been the same way and I've always thought something was wrong with him. However, I have something wrong with me too apparently since I'm still with him.:scratchhead:
> 
> I know no one on the internet can diagnose but can you give me some ideas?
> ...


Is he a war veteran?

PTSD is often confused with Borderline personality disorder, particularly in the past.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

No not a veteran. 
But honestly maybe that explains why I feel I am starting to show some BPD traits now a days. Maybe I'M the one with PTSD from dealing with all of this all these years! lol


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Crazytown said:


> No not a veteran.
> But honestly maybe that explains why I feel I am starting to show some BPD traits now a days. Maybe I'M the one with PTSD from dealing with all of this all these years! lol


Very common. They call it "picking up fleas" in the BPD support community.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I highly recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I think you may find your husband within the pages. IMO, your husband is abusive. Not because he's mentally ill - though he might me - and not because he's an alcoholic - though I don't doubt he is. He's abusive because he feels entitled to be that way and it's been working for him.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

Thank you guys!
I'm off to research the bpd forum as well as to look to Amazon for that book.


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## LookingForTruth (Jun 6, 2012)

Here comes a straggler...CT, so much of what you describe and how you feel, is eerily reminiscent of my own situation.

I have done a lot of reading, a lot of research, and a lot of posting in the BPD on-line forums (some on BPDFamily, mostly on another which I will only tell someone in a PM). What I’ve learned is that it is rarely a case of only one personality disorder. What they call co-morbidity is common, which means the person has more than one PD. I believe my H has both BPD and NPD, and sometimes I see sociopathic tendencies mixed in as well, when he’s really in high gear (I actually haven’t seen Mr. Hyde in about 6 months now).

It is alarming and upsetting and frightening and triggering to read up on PDs, but at the same time, it can be enlightening, though sometimes confusing, and it can sure make your head spin. Even most of the mental health professionals seem to be confused. I’ve read that most of them do not receive much training on PDs. Some of them can’t spot them, let alone treat them. Many of them even decline treating PDs, b/c doing so can easily burn them out. 

PDs are often missed as a diagnosis for several reasons. Sometimes it is intentionally overlooked, b/c most insurance won’t cover it. The psychiatrist or mental health professional either keeps it to himself, notes the file but doesn’t inform the insurance company or the patient, or tells the patient off the record. Often, telling the patient makes the situation worse, due to denial and provocations of anger in the patient at hearing such a diagnosis. Often, the mental health professional can make more headway with the patient by NOT telling him of a PD diagnosis. For some people, the label is damaging; for others, the label is freeing and what finally gives them the answers they seek, and points them in the right direction in getting help for themselves. But most people with PDs cannot face who they really are, though until they do, they will never get better. As far as they are concerned, they are okay – it is the rest of the world that is not.

Sometimes it is inadvertently overlooked, b/c such patients are highly manipulative and can therefore “work” the therapist. It is often only when the professionals listen to the family, that the true nature of these people is seen. These people pick and choose to whom they show their other sides, and it is usually only immediate family members (or whomever is closest to them). They can be very skilled at painting an opposite picture for the rest of the world, which translates to the other people in your life being completely shocked by what you tell them goes on behind closed doors. They have a way of appearing “normal” to the rest of the world, in many cases (depending upon how the PD manifests; it is different for each individual, and there is no absolute “template”). Some do give themselves away easily to everyone around them.

Maybe I missed this part, but does your H frequently lie? Does he lead a double life? Does he wear a mask and present himself as one way, even appearing relatively “normal”, to most of the world, saving his true self for you and those closest to him?

The alcohol is a coping mechanism and could be a symptom of a much larger picture, and not necessarily a stand-alone diagnosis. As could PTSD. As could ADHD. Even if he currently completely abstains, he could still be what they call a “dry drunk”. Personality disorders have far-reaching tentacles. They do not always present in the same exact way. There are subtypes. There is overlap with other diagnoses. Addiction is but one of many possible symptoms, under a much larger umbrella.

Though my H has not been diagnosed with any PDs (or he has, but he has kept this from me), his diagnoses keep changing, from one mental health professional to the next. The one constant most of them seem to agree on is that he is a s*x addict, with multiple other issues. But what to call all those other issues? They could fall into several categories, or under several labels.

What I’ve learned is that the behaviors and traits can come and go, and are not necessarily always a constant. My H goes through phases. I am learning to do just what you reference – stand up for myself. It puts a lot of the responsibility upon my shoulders, and I should not have to do that. But if I don’t, then my H will just continue to walk all over me. Creating boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries is key, if you plan on staying.

If you plan on leaving, I have read that if you turn yourself into a “gray rock” (basically boring and detached), they will eventually lose interest in you, and move on to someone else, and end up being the one who abandons you instead. When they cannot create chaos and drama, which they thrive on, they start to lose interest. Regardless, they usually have to feel as if they are the ones who are in control of any given situation. Feeling out of control makes them out of control.

BTW, from what I’ve read, PDs can either be the byproduct of nature (genetics), nurture (environment and trauma suffered while growing up), or a combination of the two. PDs can be very difficult to diagnose, not only b/c the patient hides much of what goes on from the mental health professional; but also, b/c there is so much overlap amongst the possibilities.

Some people with PDs learn how to live effectively with it, as do their spouses; others never learn. For some with PDs, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), and more specifically, DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), allow them to make significant improvements. For others, this simply does not work. In that case, what does? I don’t know. From what I’ve read, talk therapy usually backfires and makes them even worse; other times, talk therapy helps. Nothing will work, unless and until they themselves have a true desire to change in positive ways, and they find something they connect with, that allows them to make those changes. So much of it comes down to how they regulate their own emotions. When they can’t, that is when they explode, go over the edge, and we see the negative behaviors that are intolerable.

Sorry my reply is so long, but being a writer, this is my tendency, and your posts have really spoken to me, as I identify with them so very much. I hope you find the answers you seek, and I hope you get help for yourself, too. I imagine you feel overwhelmed much of the time, like I do. Even when my H is on his best behavior, my inner peace does not last, b/c I don’t trust that his bad side isn’t going to come out again. And I never know what, if anything, he is up to behind my back.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

LookingForTruth said:


> Maybe I missed this part, but does your H frequently lie? Does he lead a double life? Does he wear a mask and present himself as one way, even appearing relatively “normal”, to most of the world, saving his true self for you and those closest to him?
> 
> 
> Sorry my reply is so long, but being a writer, this is my tendency, and your posts have really spoken to me, as I identify with them so very much. I hope you find the answers you seek, and I hope you get help for yourself, too. I imagine you feel overwhelmed much of the time, like I do. Even when my H is on his best behavior, my inner peace does not last, b/c I don’t trust that his bad side isn’t going to come out again. And I never know what, if anything, he is up to behind my back.


*YES- he lies all the time. I am starting to think he does lead a double life especially since the EA was uncovered. 

He definitely presents himself as "the good guy" all the time. He has to "put up" with so much from me and presents himself as a victim of life, work, relationships etc. He does EVERYTHING for me and I do nothing. Every woman would love and appreciate a guy like him way more than I do...

He also has the MC believing that I am the PD one... because I have mood swings and I do silent treatment to him (it's to retreat from his abuse) Plus, I am unappreciative of him and always demanding more than anyone could give?

He defintely saves his "true self" for only those closest to him. Me, the kids, to an extent his parents and family. Everyone else seems to think he's a great guy with a b*tchy wife*

Thank you for your response. I appreciate the length and time you put into it. I totally agree with your last sentence as well. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak... I am sorry you are in a smiliar situation but I appreciate that you are sharing it because it makes me feel less alone as well.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I believe my XW had a PD(NPD or BPD or the combo platter mentioned).
My therapsit asked me to look at myself and why I stayed. Good advice. Staying with one of these folks is a problem in and of itself and needs addressing.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

:iagree:
Exactly. I ask myself that every day!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> My therapsit asked me to look at myself and why I stayed. Good advice. Staying with one of these folks is a problem in and of itself and needs addressing.





Crazytown said:


> Exactly. I ask myself that every day!


Look into the book _Codependent No More_. I'm reading it now, and it's explaining a lot.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I will read it, thank you. It's actually on my book shelf because I bought it a few years back and never read it. lol. It will probably explain a lot!!!


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