# I need a guys perspective, why would he do this?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My husband and I have sex about 1-2 times a month. This is less than what I would ideally want, and I think its safe to say less than he wants too. Those few times we are doing it, I am initiating it. If I get it started, he will almost never turn me down...only for reasonable things like if he is sick with the flu and really feeling terrible.

I feel that he is disinterested and he never ever makes a move to initiate sex with me. I cannot read his mind, but I do try to discuss the topic outside of the bedroom and let him know that I would be up for it more often if he wants that. He says he would like that. He also tells me that he masturbates (he knows that I do too) pretty frequently, like probably every other day?

I asked him to come to me when he is in the mood and we will make things happen, instead of him taking care of himself as his first choice. This was a few days ago. I KNOW he has been masturbating with 100% certainty and he has not come to me at all. 

I do it when I have no other option - he is not home or circumstances prevent us from getting together. He seeks to do it all the time with little thought as to the other options that I told him were available. When he does coke to me, I seriously very rarely turn him down - I can only think of a hand full of times over the past year.

Why would he choose his hand over me? It makes me so sad. He claims to enjoy the act when we do have sex and if he doesn't, he is a good actor. Am I unattractive or doing something to turn him off?

He is not cheating, I know that for certain. There is no other woman in the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Ask him if he is thinking of men or women when he masturbates. And that is 100% not a joke.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I know that he looks at porn on his phone every.time he masturbates. We let each other use our phones and are open book with everything. So I check his history sometimes on his phone and I look at the porn he's watching, its always straight or lesbian. He has also showed me the videos that turn him on most (I have no problem with watching it, I watch it on my own occasionally and we watch it together) and I can tell you he's not interested ib men. I prefer videos with men in them and if the man is a little too...ahem...graphic in the video he is turned off by it.

Do you think that is enough to solidify that he doesn't like men?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He`s lazy.

It`s easier to rub one out than have sex with you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

tacoma said:


> He`s lazy.
> 
> It`s easier to rub one out than have sex with you.


I think you are right.
masturbating is easy, no one else to worry about, no foreplay, it's quicker, etc, etc.

I do it sometimes, but it's because I have a much higher drive than my wife. I could go twice a day and she's more of an every other day type.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> He`s lazy.
> 
> It`s easier to rub one out than have sex with you.


And/or he's not attracted to you for some reason.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So what do I do in this situation...just let it go and take care of things myself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

Well, like a lot of things, porn is like a drug... It really is. And some people will then think, why can't my spouse do it like they do? Even though, even the "amatuer" stuff is pretty much staged and phony. Then you wind up thinking normal, well, is boring. Now some couples are fine with porn on some levels, and use it as a tool to get the "pump primed". However it seems that your husband might be more into the "virtual" world than the real one. This is way beyond the skills of me as an ordinary type person, but I would recommend some sort of counseling for him, or both of you at this point. Once he gets his brain, and other parts, back into the real world, I would think your problems would get better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If it was my partner masturbating rather than having sex with me, and I was available and not happy with the frequency of our sex life, the conversation would be hort and not so sweet. Something like "I know you're masturbating and watching porn. I also am not happy with our sex life. I want to work with you to fix this part of our marriage because I love you and want to be married to you. But you have to want to work with me on this too. I vowed monogamy to you, not celibacy.". And if she (my partner) kept doing what she was doing, she would quickly be given an opportunity to masturbate on her own all she liked, cause she'd have a place of her own.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Oregondaddy said:


> Well, like a lot of things, porn is like a drug... It really is. And some people will then think, why can't my spouse do it like they do? Even though, even the "amatuer" stuff is pretty much staged and phony. Then you wind up thinking normal, well, is boring.


Oregon: I disagree. Doesn't everyone know that porn actors are, well, actors? They are getting paid to put on that enthusiasm. 

Similarly, when I go see a Hollywood movie where the female lead is a bitsh, I understand they are playing a role. They probably are not a bitsh in real life.

Husbands preference for porn is probably just laziness. 

I agree w/ PBear. Wife needs to confront and discuss this with husband. Sex is part of the marriage bargain. And husband is not holding up his end. If it's a medical issue, he needs to see a doctor.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

PBear said:


> And/or he's not attracted to you for some reason.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. He's straight. Thanks. I just don't understand his desire for porn when there is a willing partner. I WISH my wife wanted me. I love my porn. Probably a little too much. But a warm body with all of the right parts doing the right things? AND she loves me and wants me? 

I've finally accepted that there are men with low sex drives, but that's not him.

I hate to say it, but PBear is probably closest right now. And unless you're pretty gross, I'm sure it's not a physical thing. (Because even if you are gross, he can make it dark and you can be anyone he wants you to be, so that isn't a problem. Better for you really, but I digress.)

Could be he's just not that into you right now. I went for 5+ years without a clue that my committed life partner, whom I ADORED, didn't really like me. I don't know if she ever really loved me. I didn't have a clue. I tried to fix a marriage that was in a rut and some ugly stuff came out. 

I hope I'm wrong. But what you need are a couple of honest "Here's why I'd rather jack to porn than screw a wife that I love IMMENSELY" men to post. In lieu of that, I'd say his lack of interest in you sexually portends to problems in your marriage.

Just a though.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

kag123 said:


> This is less than what I would ideally want, and I think its safe to say less than he wants too. Those few times we are doing it, I am initiating it. If I get it started, he will almost never turn me down...only for reasonable things like if he is sick with the flu and really feeling terrible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know, I remember this catching my eye when I first read it. This is weird, but could he be shy with his wife? He's afraid to approach her? It's possible. I've experienced it.

OP, you say he won't turn you down. So if you only have sex 1-2 times a month, that's as much YOUR fault as his, right? You're only asking him twice a month, if my math is correct. Ask him for more. He's not going to do it. You know that.

Here's a plan. Pick a good time and place. Get him a little horny. When the time is right, tell him you are tired of only having sex biweekly. You think he is too. And although you're fine with his porn use, he has a choice. His hand and a computer screen or THIS. 

Then do his favorite thing to him. And do it really well. Dress for the part. When you're done, tell him all he has to do is ask, any time, within reason, and you'll do it again. But he has to ask for it. That's the last time you're initiating.

If he doesn't start coming to you at least weekly, revert back to my last post. (If he doesn't start coming back DAILY, you've got a problem. But I'll admit to a more stereotypical male sex drive).


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Does he have trouble coming? 

I had a problem coming with my Mrs because, it turns out, my grip was too firm when masturbating. I too had gone off sex because it was a lot of work and when I failed to come my wife felt miserable and this set off a negative cycle.

He needs to recondition himself. Ask him not to masturbate for a week and send him sexy texts/emails etc. Then have a proper session on the weekend. Worked for us.

In the long term he might need to change his grip like me and reduce the amount he masturbates down to once or twice a week.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies.

Obviously I can only really guess at what his reasoning is as much as any other person on this board can, but to respond to some of your recent posts:

I have been making more of an effort in the last 2-3 months to be more available to him. Part of the initiating thing is an emotional problem that I need to get over, I desperately want for him to come to me and WANT me without me having to feel like I am coaxing him into it. (I dont know how you men can do this time after time when you say that you feel that you have to beg your wife for sex - I think it feels humilating sometimes and sad. I really feel for you guys.) Even though I may share some of the same sex drive as a man, I am still a woman who feels the need for an emotional connection during sex. So I interpret a lot of his standoffish behaviors poorly and take them personally which makes it hard for me to get up the nerve to initiate sex with him more often. Usually the 1-2 times a month when I am initiating it, is when I cannot control myself anymore and would probably have sex with any warm body that was available LOL. That sounds really over-the-top and of course I would never CHEAT on him, but hopefully you understand what I mean. Plus I kept foolishly thinking - if I make him wait long enough, his sex drive will kick in and he will come to me when he just can't hold out any longer. Obviously that is flawed logic.

Maybe he has desensitized himself too much from too much masturbation. I had to stop using vibrators for that reason (my choice) because it was desensitizing me to being able to fully enjoy sex with my husband. I took it upon myself to stop using them to make the sex more enjoyable. 

We did have a firm talk recently and I thought I had made it clear that I want him to come to me for sex instead of going off to do it himself, but I feel that nothing has changed. Maybe I wasn't clear enough, I am not sure. I have been making an effort to spice things up lately, meeting him during his lunch break for a quickie and things like that, and he recieves them really well but then it's still like nothing changes. He's still not coming to me more often and still doing the same old stuff.

Things didn't use to always be this way. We have two young children at home and before we had kids he was always coming to me. Then we had kids - and I went through a period where my sex drive was low (not an unusually long time, maybe 3 months or so after each birth while I was physically recovering and up all night with the baby) and then we seem to have never really recovered from that. You think he has the "madonna" complex?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kag123 said:


> So what do I do in this situation...just let it go and take care of things myself?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make it easier on him.

Initiate more and more aggressively.

Take care of him and push him towards taking care of you.

If I`m wrong and it is more than laziness at least trying this path will help you figure it out.

He could also be having ED problems.
Any signs of that?


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Is there any other thing in the past, your relationship past that is, that might help explain this?

You mention that he "came to you" more before the kids came along. Did you turn him down often during that 3 month or so dry spell after the kid(s) came along? Did you offer to help him out in other ways?

Is he insecure about his physical self? Has he gained weight or suffered health issues in the past?

And don't take this the wrong way, this coming from someone married for more than 15 years who would gladly have sex with his wife daily, or multiple times a day, but is lucky to have it every few weeks...but if you WANT sex with your husband, what's so wrong about just asking for it?

I made the same mistake for a long time. Waiting out someone who obviously has a MUCH lower sex drive that I do. It doesn't do any good...at all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

kag, lots of ideas on here... one thing I will add, is that if he is anything like I was in my sex-deficient marriage, he may just be really afraid to disappoint. If he is like I was, he has a built-in standard that you come first, and so he'd rather let the anxiety build and use the release you finally get as a way to boost his performance and make him feel like he is the best possible lover. That really is exhausting especially when the precedent is set.

Keep initiating with him, and hopefully he comes around to giving himself permission to be selfish sometimes. When you are in the mood instruct him to just take you without worrying about your orgasm, mix it up that way and let him know that sometimes you just want him to use your body. Right now he feels a lot of pressure to perform, some from himself and some from you.

I do think that porn can be very destructive when it detracts from a healthy sex life with your spouse. Part of the solution is him finding a way to cope without depending no it... the other part is finding a way to overcome the pressure he is feeling.

My only other suggestion to you is to not become resentful that you are the one that always has to initiate, he very likely wants to have sex with no strings attached and right now sex for him means all kinds of conditions that may or may not be true. I know in my sexless marriage, whenever we would have sex (and it was always good when it happened) her closest friends all get a news update, so for me having sex meant inevitably hearing "way to go" or "you da man" from all their husbands... it was too much sometimes.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Kag123

I would keep bringing up the topic with him. He sounds like a dud. 1-2 times a month! I would go insane. I know how it feels being the one that always initiates. I am in that situation with my wife. She can not give a solid explanation why she does not. Once she told me we all have our crosses to bear. What the hell does that mean?

Anyway, my attitude is we all have needs. I initiate at least 3 times per week knowing that I will get turned down once or twice. i also bug her during her period, knowing I might get a HJ out of hit. I do not take it personal anymore. It is just a numbers game:smthumbup:

So, my advise to you. Wear him down! Initiate 3-4 times a week until he breaks. Tell him you will bug him util he starts participating in the initiating. Tell him to man up!


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Not to be a downer, but there might be nothing you can do. Try all the suggestions and see if they work..and if not, then you have choices to make.

Also, look at the bright side..you are having sex! My wife has no interest in sex so I go without it. She is perfectly fine with me using porn as my outlet because it gets rid of the burden for her. I would love to have sex 1 to 2 times per month!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> Not to be a downer, but there might be nothing you can do. Try all the suggestions and see if they work..and if not, then you have choices to make.
> 
> Also, look at the bright side..you are having sex! My wife has no interest in sex so I go without it. She is perfectly fine with me using porn as my outlet because it gets rid of the burden for her. I would love to have sex 1 to 2 times per month!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ditto...be happy with what you get. Sexless marriages are much worse.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ditto...be happy with what you get. Sexless marriages are much worse.


WRONG ANSWER!!!! Trust me I’ve been there, in reality I’m still there, but after being honest with myself and working on improving other areas, I’m already seeing some results.

Regardless, if you are just coasting along in a marriage where you want more sex, and your spouse won’t accommodate you, you need to deal with it now.

The longer it goes on, the more comfortable your spouse gets with this “arrangement”. Then you get used to it, if you haven't already. 

I see so many guys post here and other message boards (BTDT – I was one of you) and they piss and moan about “feel lucky about that once a month, I rarely or never get sex”, then they get online, check some porn out and masturbate. 

Get off your ass!! 

You guys talking about getting no sex. What kind of shape are you in? When’s the last time you worked out? Do it for YOURSELF. I guarantee you will start feeling better. Not only physically, but mentally as well. You will have more confidence in yourself. The better you feel and look physically, the better your feel mentally, and people will notice. That in and of itself is worth it.

Look you CAN’T make your wife give you sex. So why not work on the things that you CAN improve? 

How are you around the house? Are there always little things (or big things) that need fixing? Does your wife nag you about them?

Guess what…thinking “Screw her. She doesn’t give me any sex , why should I do this or that. Why should she get what she wants, but I don’t get what I want?”

That’s a marriage killer right there. DOA. Call the funeral parlor. 

You can’t make your spouse act the way you want, but you CAN IMPROVE YOURSELF. Be the bigger person. Do all those things around the house you’ve been saying you’ll do.

Does she “nag” you to help with the kids more? DO IT.

It’s not like you’re getting sex anyway right? So WHAT CAN IT HURT? 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

“The Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.”

Buy some new clothes. Get a new haircut. Find a hobby (hint: masturbating is not a hobby) CHANGE THE ROUTINE.

Don’t do it looking for immediate changes in HER. Don’t expect or look for changes in HER, AT ALL.

Do it FOR YOU.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CantBeJustMe said:


> WRONG ANSWER!!!! Trust me I’ve been there, in reality I’m still there, but after being honest with myself and working on improving other areas, I’m already seeing some results.
> 
> Regardless, if you are just coasting along in a marriage where you want more sex, and your spouse won’t accommodate you, you need to deal with it now.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Great post BeMe.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

CantBeJustMe said:


> WRONG ANSWER!!!! Trust me I’ve been there, in reality I’m still there, but after being honest with myself and working on improving other areas, I’m already seeing some results.
> 
> Regardless, if you are just coasting along in a marriage where you want more sex, and your spouse won’t accommodate you, you need to deal with it now.
> 
> ...


So let me answer your post very specifically because I think you were making the assumption that all men in a sexless marriage fit your description:

I am 39, have been married for a number of years and have one son (toddler age)

1. 

The last time I worked out was today. I am in the best shape I have ever been in. I have less than 10% body fat, can run 8 minute miles (as i did for the NYC marathon) and can lift more weight than I did in college. I started a 5 day a week exercise program 2 years ago to help deal with the stress of my wife not wanting to have sex with me.

I do feel better about myself since getting in shape and have gotten many compliments about how amazing my transformation has been. I am not trying to boast here as I am no male supermodel but I do take diet and exercise very seriously.

2.

I am very good around the house. We both work long hours but I do all the laundry, clean all the dishes (she cooks) and we split up other "chores". I also do projects around the house when I can...and my wife would absolutely admit that I do more than a lot of the husbands of people she knows.

3.

Although I dislike shopping I do get new clothes when needed..as an attorney I wear a suit every day but even with suits there is some amount of flexibility. And as for haircuts, I am still happy to have my hair. 


My wife has been very clear. We are not having sex. I, however, do not treat her with disrespect or disdain. We still do family things when we can (weekends) and she and I have great conversations about work, politics, etc. All in all, we get along great.

As I wrote in another post, I would love to have sex with my wife...but I have found my way of dealing positively with the situation and getting on with my life. I do not want to be a part time dad and see my son 50% (at best) of the year...no way. 

I get on with my life, as you said, for me and not for her. In the past few years I have become much happier but our sex life has not changed. We have been through 2 marriage counselors and that did not help either.

Sometimes, it is not the man that needs changing. Sometimes it really is the woman...but when it comes to sex, if either one is unwilling then it is off the table.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So...he's masturbating to porn but doesn't come to you for sex much anymore.

He has enough energy to look up the porn he wants to watch, wack one off, but can't wait til you two are together that day to have sex.

This would piss me off. Your needs aren't being met and he is probably getting more and more used to just visual stimulation and his hand. 

Bad news.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> My wife has been very clear. We are not having sex. I, however, do not treat her with disrespect or disdain. We still do family things when we can (weekends) and she and I have great conversations about work, politics, etc. All in all, we get along great.
> 
> As I wrote in another post, I would love to have sex with my wife...but I have found my way of dealing positively with the situation and getting on with my life. I do not want to be a part time dad and see my son 50% (at best) of the year...no way.
> .


Hats off to you counselor. There is no way I could do what you are doing. I think I would hate my wife so much for the lack of sex that it would poison my love for my kid(s). 

How did it get to be like that? (no sex). Been going on long?


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> So let me answer your post very specifically because I think you were making the assumption that all men in a sexless marriage fit your description:


Wasn’t really an assumption. I know how I initially reacted when sex and affection dried up. I know I’m not alone in how I reacted.



> I am 39, have been married for a number of years and have one son (toddler age)
> 
> 1.
> 
> The last time I worked out was today. I am in the best shape I have ever been in. I have less than 10% body fat, can run 8 minute miles (as i did for the NYC marathon) and can lift more weight than I did in college. I started a 5 day a week exercise program 2 years ago to help deal with the stress of my wife not wanting to have sex with me.


That’s great. I wish I could still run. High School then College sports, followed by more than a few years of being in Uncle Sam’s employ left me with zero arch and the knees of a 80 year old. Instead I have to put double the time in on a stationary bike or other machine to get the same cardio workout. I miss running…I mean in all honesty I hated it. But running by myself, I could think and sort out all the things going on that day. Most times by the time I was done with that, I was already done with my run.



> I do feel better about myself since getting in shape and have gotten many compliments about how amazing my transformation has been. I am not trying to boast here as I am no male supermodel but I do take diet and exercise very seriously.


Awesome. It can be hard to self-motivate out of that haze.




> I am very good around the house. We both work long hours but I do all the laundry, clean all the dishes (she cooks) and we split up other "chores". I also do projects around the house when I can...and my wife would absolutely admit that I do more than a lot of the husbands of people she knows.


Okay. Sounds a bit lopsided towards your end though. But I know that feeling, I’ve been there too.





> Although I dislike shopping I do get new clothes when needed..as an attorney I wear a suit every day but even with suits there is some amount of flexibility. And as for haircuts, I am still happy to have my hair.


Gotcha. I know most men won’t agree with this, especially those struggling with hair loss, but I wish I would go bald. It’s not in the cards. My Dad still has a full head of hair at 69 years old. My hair grows way too fast. I keep it short, and every two weeks is about as long as I can go. I’ve been wanting to try the “Mr.Clean” look for years. 




> My wife has been very clear. We are not having sex. I, however, do not treat her with disrespect or disdain. We still do family things when we can (weekends) and she and I have great conversations about work, politics, etc. All in all, we get along great.


Okay, this sounds a lot like what my wife and I went through when my son was small, with of course some differences. How long has this been going on? How was your sex life before your son was born? This happen after the kid was born? What spurred the “very clear” part from your wife? Was there an argument about sex, or several? Is there any signs of physical or sexual abuse in her past? Sometimes it can be there, and it blows you away when you realize it. 



> As I wrote in another post, I would love to have sex with my wife...but I have found my way of dealing positively with the situation and getting on with my life. I do not want to be a part time dad and see my son 50% (at best) of the year...no way.


I definitely understand you there. I refused to be a part-time Dad. Kids, especially sons, need a constant Father figure that’s THERE. Our kids didn’t ask to be brought in the world, we did that willingly. 



> I get on with my life, as you said, for me and not for her. In the past few years I have become much happier but our sex life has not changed. We have been through 2 marriage counselors and that did not help either.


Have you read Athol Kay’s book? Seriously, I read this not too long ago, and I have read enough books on relationships, marriage, sex, sexless marriages etc, I feel most times I more qualified than some of the marriage counselors out there.

You can download it and read it immediately. It’s not high brow standard marriage stuff. It’s real world things that you can do. I have a feeling that the Alpha / Beta thing might be part of what’s going on here. I know it’s already helped in my marriage, and my wife is damn near asexual it seems sometimes.



> Sometimes, it is not the man that needs changing. Sometimes it really is the woman...but when it comes to sex, if either one is unwilling then it is off the table.


When you did see marriage counselors what did she say about sex? Has she or her family ever been diagnosed or had a history of depression? 

Look I definitely recommend Athol’s Book – Go HERE to check his blog and you can find it from there.

Read it. Let me know what you think, feel free to shoot me an email or PM me. I know what’s it like to feel like you’re doing everything humanly possible and it still doesn’t work. It’s not easy. But I can tell you that it doesn’t get easier. Eventually your son will grow up and you will put your nose down and get involved in his life, your career and anything you can to take up time and energy to NOT think about the lack of sex in your life. Read the book. I have a feeling the Alpha / Beta mix might had another angle to your efforts.

Good luck.


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