# Very complicated... but alcohol is the catalyst.



## JmeVOR (Dec 4, 2011)

I have been married to my husband for two years and four months, but we dated/lived together for two years prior to that. He is three years younger than I am, and comes from a background filled with craziness. His parents were party animals, drinking and doing drugs all the time. My mother went through a phase like this, but has healed and quit drinking and doing drugs. His parents, it seems, do not know how to stay on the wagon (although they've stayed off the drugs for four years now).

My husband and I met at a bar (which probably isn't the place to search for people who have drinking under control), but we hit it off and I never saw what I thought of as "problem drinking."

Lately, though, I see a real problem. I have no problems with occasional drinking, and I can even put up with a seriously drunk person if it is very rare. We used to go out once in awhile, but I can't deal with the party scene, and even if it's my turn to drink and his turn to be the designated driver, I catch him drinking. I've been in bad situations because of it. All of our really bad fights have happened after he drinks. He doesn't even have to be drunk. I feel so stupid for putting up with any of it. I have always told my friends in this situation to immediately get out of it, but I find myself battling the idea of putting my foot down. He will leave me if I do. And then things will be a horrible mess. I can't deal with that. I fear for my well-being if it comes down to kicking him out of the house. He's not a monster or anything, but I still believe I'd have to watch out for him if that happens.

It's not all that often that we fight, but when we do, it's horrible. At his brother-in-law's birthday two years ago, he was so verbally abusive with me that I was forced to walk home, taking his car keys and our dog with me. The walk was three miles and my flip-flops broke half-way home. I was crying and upset, and the dog was freaking out all the way home. Some of the other partygoers held him back from chasing me on foot. He called me the next day and screamed at me, so I hung up. Three days later, I got emails with apologies and sorrys and whatnot. I let him back in.

Another drunken night of verbal abuse forced me, again, to walk home from the same house. This time, he got in his truck and tried to force me to get in. I refused because he was drunk. He then backed into someone's fence, missing me by just a few feet. His sister took me home, and he didn't bother to come home for a week; he spent that week partying with his parents, sister, and his sister's husband. I spent the entire week in total distress; I didn't sleep, eat, or anything. It was hard to go to work. He was off work because he was a seasonal employee. He kept trying to send his brother-in-law to the house for things, but I wouldn't answer the door. Of course, after the week was over, he apologized and said he would go to counseling and stop with the drinking. I believed him.
To be fair, he did stop acting abusive towards me after that. I actually didn't mind that he drank on the weekends, because he was happy, nice, and respectful.

It was getting so great that we even decided to get our CDLs and get a job as team truck drivers. It went well; we didn't fight, he slowed way down on the drinking, and we were making good money. I appreciated not having to worry about paying bills because of his seasonal job. Three months in, I got hurt. We were forced to stay out of state for a couple weeks while I healed, and we ended up missing his dad's birthday party. On that day, we decided to go down the street from the hotel and grab dinner. He insisted on ordering drinks. We had driven our semi down there, since we didn't have a rental, and because he couldn't say no to the booze, I had to drive back. I got in a lot of trouble driving that truck because I was still on the injured list, and wasn't supposed to be driving any of the company vehicles during that period.

Things got worse. He kept finding reasons to call out to stay home longer. Since we were a team, that meant I had to stay home, too. We were getting a bad reputation. I understood the time we stayed home because he was really sick. He had a doctor's note. But on the day we were supposed to go back, he called and said he still felt bad. That night, I took him to his friend's to drop something off, and as we were visiting, he started drinking. I was so mad, and disappointed. I couldn't believe he was risking our jobs so he could stay home and drink. We got into a fight; he took off later, causing a big scene, and drove around the neighborhood like a maniac. He is lucky no police were around or took notice.

A couple of weeks later, his dad was in the hospital. His mom called and said he was in bad shape, but that the nurses said he'd be fine in a few days. We were three hundred miles away from home. He called the dispatcher, and they did not give him permission to turn back, as the equipment belonged to the company, and they paid for the fuel. He threatened to quit. Our boss let us grab our next load, and after delivery, she let us stay home to visit his dad for the rest of the week. When we got home, his father picked us up from where we parked the trucks. That night, they were all at the bar getting trashed. Pretty damn sick, right?

Finally, in October, after a rough few days, he quit our job, which left me jobless as well. He said it was because of the company, but I think it was because he didn't have enough party time while we were home on the weekends. From the night we got home, for almost a month, he and his family spent entire nights drinking. I got so upset, and we fought about the irresponsibility a lot. Finally, he slowed down again.

But since December, he's been drinking every single weekend. We still don't have jobs. He promises and promises things, but they never happen. He pretty much told me tonight that he believes drinking is "who he is." I begged for no drinking this weekend, but he still went out and got booze. My father is the one that's keeping a roof over our heads right now, and he is getting upset that we're not working. We're supposed to be helping him, and it's the other way around. My husband flew off the handle a few minutes ago because I asked him to be nice to the dogs (he made the puppy cry while "correcting" her, and I got mad about it). He threw his food on the floor and told me to marry the dogs instead. And then he left, as usual.

I don't know what to do about this. I feel so angry, and I keep thinking I'm gonna have enough and become violent towards him. I feel like I'm being pushed too far, and I am mad that what I feel and want is getting ignored. I feel that drinking is a problem, but he doesn't, so he's gonna do it anyway. If I need something, or want something, I can only have it if he feels like letting me (for example, I wanted to visit my friends a few weeks ago, but he wanted to stay at his family's house and drink, so he was so mean to me that I just gave up). I am so frustrated. Normally, I'm a fighter, but I think that fighting back is going to be a huge mistake.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

From what you've posted, your husband is an abusive alcoholic. Getting out is the only sane thing to do. Not much more I can say.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The booze is getting the better of him, and it sounds like he knows it too, that makes him feel he's loosing it because he used to have it under control. He feels worse, so he turns to the booze to make him feel better, and the cycle continues.

First step is him admitting it's a problem - btw you telling him it is a problem isn't going to help - I think he knows it.

what he doesn't know is what to do instead or how to deal with it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Husband hasn't hit his "bottom" yet,but he's on his way there fast and taking you with him.You need to find a safe place and leave him for your own well being.You can't save him or even help him when he's in denial.He can't quit for you or anyone else.He has to want to quit for himself.He needs to be de-toxed in order to even start being honest with himself.Going the way he's going he may soon get that opportunity at the hands of the authorities.Please keep yourself safe.


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