# Friends or Love



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Hi, 

I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years, we have our ups and downs and finally are working things out and understanding each other. I was married and divorced within a year and met this current guy- he has been there for me in many ways that no one has ever been for me, and I love him more than anyone in my past. He is very strict on what he wants in a relationship. In which, the same goes for me - I am strict with him as well. 

He doesn't like the idea of me having friends - he feels that friends cause problems in a relationship or they take you into the wrong direction with jealousy and so forth. He doesn't like party or club life, because he feels when you are with someone - you shouldn't be out there in that scene. It took a while to get adjusted to this, and i felt that maybe i do need to change my lifestyle. I am 32 years old, and I am ready to settle down again especially with him, and have a family.

Do you think in the long run its worth giving up your friends to start a life of your own. Or do you think it can lead to something worst. He is 34 and I am 32 ( do you think its sometimes to let go of your friends and certain family members to have your life started..


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Does he have friends?

To me, expecting you to give up your friendships is a red flag, unless you have inappropriate friendships with men. 

I couldn't be with someone who wanted me to give up all my friendships - I have known some of these people half of my life and most of my adult life. No way would I drop people who love me and whom I love. What kind of person would I be if I turned my back on them?

And you also mentioned he wants you to give up certain _family _members? No, that is controlling behavior. Unacceptable to me.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

He has friends, I have two best friends who have been there for me, and I wouldn't give them up.. just the ones that like to hang out and go out every time. certain family members who cause drama in my life..


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Relationships come and go but friends seem to stick around. If you give up your friends you will end up resenting him. Who in the world doesn't want or would not want friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

christine30 said:


> He has friends, I have two best friends who have been there for me, and I wouldn't give them up.. just the ones that like to hang out and go out every time. certain family members who cause drama in my life..


Hard to tell but it sounds like he is not for the friends that hangout and go out to certain venues. 

If he is talking about living a single lifestyle that is one thing. If he is talking about marriage friendly friends that is another.

From your posts it sounds like he is against the partying lifestyle. 

If by hangout we are talking about a group of women going out to dinner, a spa or seeing a movie that is a normal GNO.

If these friends are about hanging out with other men, drinking and clubbing then I can see his point.

So I guess all I am saying is that it depends on what the dynamics are of the friendship. Even frequency matters.

Do the activities include keg stands? j/k

I see the reference to relationships come and go but friends are always there or some such. I guess this is the point. For me friends come and go but the constant has been my marriage.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

christine30 said:


> He has friends, I have two best friends who have been there for me, and I wouldn't give them up.. just the ones that like to hang out and go out every time. certain family members who cause drama in my life..


For some clarity, are these friends clubbing friends (those that go out to the bars and might not be friends of the marriage) or are they friends you do marriage friendly things with? Is there a chance that he is equating these friends with your club life and ask you to stop seeing them for this reason?

If not, it seems too controlling.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Many abusers isolate their victims from friends and family giving them free reign to terrorize. My father tried to do this to my mother (she left him) and he then did exactly that to my stepmother. She's been with him over 30 years. And she's a shred of the woman she used to be; cowering...quiet...afraid.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unless these people are toxic friends then no you shouldn't give up friends for love.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't have friends? He doesn't trust your judgement in people. 

Sounds controlling and scary to me.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You need to talk to him more, and find out what he means more fully by the no friends thing. As others have said if he's really referring to friends that keep you a part of the clubbing scene that's one thing.

If it's literally that he wants him to be your all in all that's not healthy at all. Tell him no way if that's the case, friends are a vital part of every part of your life. Having no friends will leave you feeling empty, no matter how great your husband is.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

It is a form of control, I would look at other areas of your life where you feel he may be trying to control you.

Does he not value your opinions?
Does he not allow you to express your emotions?
Is he always right?
Does he take any responsibility for his actions or wrong doing?

these are some of the red flags for abuse.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

christine30 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been dating a guy for almost 2 years, we have our ups and downs and finally are working things out and understanding each other. I was married and divorced within a year and met this current guy- he has been there for me in many ways that no one has ever been for me, and I love him more than anyone in my past. He is very strict on what he wants in a relationship. In which, the same goes for me - I am strict with him as well.
> 
> ...


When I think back to who are friends were before we were married it amazes me how few of them we have contact with any longer. She had many guy friends and they are definitely out of the picture. She has one best friend that she maintains a relationship with the same as me. We matured, moved on and our focus was our relationship. 

The clubbing thing baffles me. If you have this relationship then why would you put yourself in a situation that has the potential to jeopardize that? I would give up the extra activity and also make sure that he is not a control freak. That is something you want to get clarified before you leap to the next step in this relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> Giving up the club scene is one thing. If you mostly go to meat markets to drink and get hit on, yeah it's probably going to be a little detrimental to your relationship. Go together as a couple if you like it so much.
> 
> Friends, absolutely not. To isolate you from your friends totally is controlling and kinda crazy. If you have healthy friends, you can and should be able to do healthy things with your friends, no matter what age you are. It's easy to filter out the friends that are actively harming your relationship, but you need friends as well to keep your sanity. There isn't anything wrong with pizza night, brunch, hiking trip yadda with friends.
> 
> Is he allowed to have friends? If he is, why can't you?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I would like to thank you all for your honesty and opinions.
To update you..
He broke up with me once again - I have my cousin wedding to attend this weekend and when I told him, all he said was Goodbye that I give him stories. I truly don't know what type of person he is looking for. 
Everyone needs their family, and there will be functions and he should be understandable. He does not have a close relationship with his family much less his mother.
I am not a party girl - i have my own place and pay my own bills and rent.. he lives with his aunt and cousin.. he would come and spend weekends by me, and we did talk about moving into together.. but he is so controlling, i have to wear certain shirts - nothing to show my ass.. he doesn't like me watching certain shows because - he didn't want me to have any friends - only him, my mother and brothers. I gave up alot for him because my heart loves him. I was always the one fighting for us to work things back out. 

It hard to let someone go when you love them but know things will never get better. I am a good person, and I have respect for myself...he just wants to see the bad in me and not the good things. 

so I am going to be strong and not contact him again.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I just wanted to say.. I have two best friends of 8 years and I couldnt tell them that the guy i am with doesnt want me to have friends.. Knowing that i was married before and he was a drunk.
as for partying.. I probably went out once a month.. or 1 every 3 months .. I rather be home relaxing and spending time with my mom or him on the weekends. I don't do the club and party life when i was in my 20's . But he thinks if i attend a family function i am partying.. if i go to my nephews bday.. i am partying .. I couldn't be myself around him.. but yet our heart craves for what hurts us.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Don't look back. You just dodged a bullet. Best to you in your new direction!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

RUN LIKE HELL from this man! He has MAJOR problems which will NEVER be resolved (because HE doesn't view them as problems.)

He has jealousy/insecurity issues which means HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU not to cheat on him....not very flattering opinion of YOU, is it?

GO DARK. Do NOT answer any phone calls or texts from him. DELETE them. Do NOT answer any emails from him. DELETE them.

Block his number from your cell phone, unfriend him on FaceBook, change your email address if you have to. This guy is SCARY controlling and the sooner you lose him COMPLETELY out of your life, the better. 

Within a month or two of removing him COMPLETELY from your life, you will be AMAZED at the change in your outlook on life! You have (whether you know it or not) made a LOT of changes in your life to accomodate his jealousy/insecurity. Get RID of him, and you'll start to feel better about yourself, your life, your abilities RIGHT AWAY.

Good luck, and GO DARK!


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

you are right.. he feels he does no wrong.. he never apologize for his abusive words or actions. 
i was the one that fought and cried my way back to him and plead for us to be again.. so many times.. he never reached out to me first to make it work. 
he has to much pride .. 
if i called or text him a minute late.. he would start getting upset and calling me names.. i know i didn't deserve it- but i felt that he will see I am a good woman.. and someone that loves him and will stand by him..but at the end .. i gave all i can give.. 
he is controlling, verbal and physical.. I wish him the worst in the next person he finds.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't worry about HIM or the next woman...it's HER problem.

I had a BF once who was pissed because I was 5 minutes (no exaggeration) late home from work. I said, "Whaddya think, I just stopped people in the hall and said 'hey, anybody got 5 minutes for a quickie?'" He said, "Well, you COULD have." That's when the lightbulb went off...it's probably something HE would do. 

So I dumped his controlling, totally-psycho piece of azz and never looked back. I occasionally wonder whose life he's currently making a living-hell, but as long as it's NOT mine....I don't really care!


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