# Am I being controlled??



## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I have some confusion about what's been going on with somethings that my husband does. 

He doesnt tell me what to wear and how to act or anything, but I think he might have some control issues.

I have read a book about controlling men and some of the descriptions fit him, but I am really not sure. Just for an example he acted like this earlier this week and I am not sure if it's controlling.

I asked a friend of mine to go out shopping with me. This friend of mine doesn't care for my husband and he doesn't care for her, he really doesnt care for anyone as far as i can tell, anyways he fought with me for 2 days about how he didnt understand why I would go hang out with someone that doesn't like him and that he just didnt know why I couldn't see his point.

He is always very adamant about me seeing his "point". He never really came out and said I really wouldn't like it if you went out with her. If he would have came up to me with concern and said that then I wouldn't have went. 

Well we fought until time to go to sleep then he got up in the middle of the night and sat on the bed quiet, I asked what was wrong and he didnt answer. Then we got in another fight. Well the next day I wondered if the reason we had been fighting was because of my plans, so I told him I wouldnt go. Immediately he was fine. He didnt bring up anything else again and he acted like a totally different person.

I hate to keep analyzing him and I dont want to think bad about him but I keep wondering. My friends all think he is controlling and angry. He bulls behind me when we go anywhere. He is never social or tries to fit in. He thinks everyone else is ousting him and that they are treating him badly. He never makes a point to be friendly to him either.

Anyways, I was just curious if anyone knows anything about these kinds of attitudes in people. I really appreciate any advice. I am very confused and would like to see things clearly for once. Thanks so much.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sunnyday7 said:


> I My friends all think he is controlling and angry.


This is a pretty good indicator that he is. While i can understand him not wanting you to hang out with someone that doesnt like him, if no one likes him, then that reason isnt a very good one. It sounds like he's possessive more then controlling, though.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Well he says that he is protective and not possessive. But what happens if I dont need or want to be protected. Most people can not believe that I am married to him, because I am a very good hearted person and he has something to say about everyone and everything. He never enjoys life and I just wonder why he acts that way. thanks for your reply bianca.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i personally feel that everyone has a right to hang out with whomever they want. i may reserve my opinion of you based on the company you keep, however. but that is only if we don't know each other very well.

actually, i can't think of anyone i am truly close to who has a friend i don't like.

another issue i find with what you say is how your husband deals with his displeasure: he argues and pouts until he gets his way.

his behaviour is very immature at best and controlling at worse, and probably both.

you have not only the right to befriend whom you wish, you also have the legitimate expectation that your spouse will support you in any life choices you make, barring of course a choice that may cause you harm, in which case still your husband should only offer his opinion and advice and then allow you as an adult to do what you choose is best.

doesn't this all sound very basic and correct as you read it?


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Yes it does!! He often treats me like a child, like I dont have a brain and I dont know the way people really are.

I do agree that I should have the right to hang around with whomever I want, unless of course it's someone thats going to cause harm to our relationship.

It really frustrates me and he just doesnt get it. I am not a nitwit, and I do have a brain. He sometimes comes off like a father figure and I dont think that a husband should be that way. 

He has double standards for the way I act in comparison to the way he acts.
For instance, I moved our living room furniture around once. He hated it and jerked it right back around to the way it was b4, throwing a fit as to why he didnt like it that way. 

Well a few months later he decided he would rearrange the furniture and he put it back the same way that I had it!! Thats just crazy!! But it was fine when he did it. I dont know if thats typical but it kinda hurt my feelings. Like I am not adequate enough to know how to properly position chairs and a couch!!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

One sign of a controller (and potential abuser) is, isolating his partner. Sounds like this is exactly what your husband is trying to do. Was he very loving and wanted things to move very fast in the early stages of your relationship? Did he "sweep you off your feet"? Once you were married, did his negative, more controlling behaviors become the norm? I think you know the answer to your own question. Protect yourself by staying connected to friends and do not give in to his childish behaviors. you may help him grow up and become more comfortable with himself if you simply laugh off his childish behaviors, go about your business, and show him you can have friends AND love him too. If he becomes more hostile as a result of you sticking to your plans, then maybe it's time to evaluate what type of marriage you are in. Good luck.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Sometimes I feel my husband treats me like a child. It has become a bad habit. I just pretend to listen to his wishes, and do my own thing anyway. I think some men need their ego stroked and feel they are the dominate male. I need to learn to assert myself more often.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

as that good ol boy doc phil sez, the trouble with a child/parent dynamic is the child eventually rebels and leaves.

what i always wonder, when i read posts such as yours, is why one falls in love with such a person in the first place. i really don't mean to imply your, or anyones, hubby is not lovable, but didn't any red flags fly when you first noticed this behaviour?

actually,forget i asked. i was married for many years to someone i really didn't know. and that's how it happens, i guess. as kurt vonnegut wrote, 'and so it goes'.

if you don't mind me saying, you have a tough job ahead of you if you wish for your marriage to last because you need to do as you see fit as an adult and walk away from him when he becomes agitated by your behaviour as you would a child throwing a temper tantrum. and if past experience is a predictor of future behaviour, your husband will become more agitated before he starts to realze his tantrums no longer achieve his desired goal, that is, to control you.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

The funny thing is recentcloud is I never really paid much attention to that sort of thing before. I could always go back home and not have to deal with it. It didnt really bother me, but now that I live with him and there is no where else for me to really go to I have to put up with it and i dont like it.

Also, he has sought out internet usage, porn and cyber sex with women and I have found he has a profile on adultspace, which is like an adult oriented myspace. He always tries to get women to have phone sex with him. Which is appaling and totally disgusting. I am such a pushover that I just keep taking it.

I would like for things to work out with us, but sometimes I would just like to leave and search for a real man.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

sunnyday7 said:


> Also, he has sought out internet usage, porn and cyber sex with women and I have found he has a profile on adultspace, which is like an adult oriented myspace. He always tries to get women to have phone sex with him. Which is appaling and totally disgusting. I am such a pushover that I just keep taking it.


That needs to stop and it needs to stop yesterday. You need to give him an ultimatum about this behavior right her.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I have told him to stop, he says he doesnt do anything. I have left 3 times and he always convinces me to come back. I am really tired of it. I just want some peace and a marriage. 

I never thought a marriage could ever be so horrible. I know some people have it a lot worse, but my goodness.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i firmly believe that phone sex is cheating. i also firmly belive that cybersex is cheating.

it is not harmless fantasy. it is very real.

based on what you've posted, i won't say here my opinion of your husband.

please re-read the last sentence of your last post. you know what needs to be done.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I have often heard that men with control issues usually have addictions more so then average. I think it is a problem that he has. I asked him one time why he felt he needed to do that, use the internet for his sexual escapades, and he said that he liked to get people to do what he wanted them to do. Weird, I thought. 

And yes I think it is cheating as well.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

well, you've apparently figured out how to leave him; you've accomplished this three times.

based on how unhappy you are in your marriage (to use your words, 'horrible' and 'disgusted') maybe now you need to work on how to not allow him to convince you to come back.

if you don't mind, my guess is that your husband is very manipulative and he uses his manipulative skills (which he practices on with other women) to lure you back.

if you left again (and you no doubt will at some point) what do you think it would take for you to not buy into his manipulative conversations and not return?


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Well he knows I am a nice person, so he starts with how he is depressed and how he is trying to do better. Or how the house won't be same without me and how could I let 10 years go down the drain.

He just makes me feel guilty and I give in. Thanks cloud for all your replies, I really appreciate it


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## 9reasons (Apr 13, 2009)

Hi Sunny... just been reading your thread... he is acting like a child, nothing more, nothing less. There is one thing that is apparent in a 'parent/child' relationship and that is that you will always be the giver and he will always be the taker; that is the very nature of the immature adult. You need to work out what it is about you... that makes you take this behaviour... how can you let 10 years down the drain??? WTF? Isn't he the one drooling over porn? Pinch yourself girl... this man sounds like a battery and you are his generator. And when you get it all sorted, can you come back and drag me out of this pit with you please?? I am in a similar situation to you and I think my husband has borderline personality disorder... Google it, you will find out heaps. These forums really help as you often see your own weaknesses in others and it helps you to come to terms with your own situation. Good luck


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

in response to your husband's manipulative assertions:

if he says he's depressed, tell him to seek professional help. as the cliche goes, you're not his prescription.

if he says the house is not the same without you, tell him of course it's not, he surely couldn't have expected it would be, and that this is what happens when he treats you so terribly.

if he asks how you could let ten years go 'down the drain', tell him that you have no intention of making it eleven years 'down the drain'.

and last but soon first, if he says he's trying to do better, tell him he needs professional help to do better, that he's proven to you that after ten years he's not capable of changing without assistance, and if and when a professional tells you, not him, that he's on track for real change, then and only then will you even consider the possibility of returning, but there will still be no guarantees.

then, after the initial conversation, do not return his phone calls. if there is information that's needed to be conveyed to you, insist he convey it to whomever you have near you, a sister, mom, brother. but, based on his mo, i'd make the go-between a man. your husband hasn't demonstrated much respect for women.

most importantly, remember two things please: 

first, he's very good at manipulating people, and he is only saying what he thinks he needs to say to convince you to return. he does not hae your best interests in mind.

and second, as you mentioned he confided in you once, he gets off 'making women do what he wants', and so with you he's looking for his ultimate high of once again convincing you to come back after all of the abuse he's heaped on you.

i know the above sounds cynical, but the world is what it is.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

Wow!!

You make it sound so easy and simple, when in fact I guess it really is. That gives me some peace of mind. He knows my vulnerabilities and that I will feel sorry for him.

I really just have a hard time being assertive. Which is why so many women get stuck in these situations. I have been praying for help for this problem and it seems I am getting what I prayed for. Thanks for your truthful aproach to this problem. It makes so much sense...when you get stuck in a relationship that's like a whirlwind I guess it's hard to see the ground.

Thanks so much.


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

9 reasons....lol @ dragging you out of pit. If I get myself away from the snakes I will surely pull you out and anyone else that wants to go 

Borderline personality....hmmm. doesn't sound very fun. Does he know he has this?


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## marriagehelp12 (Apr 8, 2009)

tell him to get off your back about who you hang with. They are your friends, not his. I am sure he has his own and if he doesn't why is that.....just something to consider


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## sunnyday7 (Jan 26, 2009)

I dont really know how to put this, but he is kind of rough with me when we are making love. I mean I think that because he watches I guess a lot of porn that he unknowingly acts like those people, which is offensive and it doesnt seem like we are making love.

It's not all the time that he does that, but I guess I just really dont like it. I have told him that he is rough and would he try and be more gentle but he acts like there is no way that I could not be enjoying it. I think he thinks I am just making excuses.


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## 9reasons (Apr 13, 2009)

sunnyday7 said:


> 9 reasons....lol @ dragging you out of pit. If I get myself away from the snakes I will surely pull you out and anyone else that wants to go
> 
> Borderline personality....hmmm. doesn't sound very fun. Does he know he has this?


No!! LOL He thinks it is all me! I have had to do all this soul saving work for myself, but, it will make me much stronger next time... oh and BTW if I get out first, I'll help you too! )


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

all kinds of sexual interaction can be fun, provided the desire and respect are mutual.

in your case, neither is mutual.

you own your body and no one is allowed to touch you in any way you don't want to be touched. it's what we tell our children and i guess, from time to time, must remind us adults.

an observation if i may: with each post it becomes more and more clear why you left him three times, and less and less clear why you went back.


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