# I cheated, told my husband, now what?



## ClearBlueSky

I guess I should start with how it happened. I've known my husband since high school and been married for a little under two years. We are both in our mid-twenties. We grew up on the west coast of the US, and even before we got married, my future-husband took a job on the east coast. I followed him out, and we got married a few years later. A part of me always thought I was owed something back because I sacrificed so much to move across country for him, leaving behind my friends and family (I know... I realize now I should never have thought that way).

Things were great for the most part. Of course we had our arguments, but every couple does. Generally, I couldn't have asked for a better husband. Then, my husband started working late at his job. We didn't see each other as much as we used to. I started to spend more time with a friend, a guy friend. I haven't met too many people since moving out here, and so he was one of the few people I knew. I met him through a work contact, and he works in my field. So, I justified it as "networking" anytime my husband knew I was going out with him. After a month, I develop a secret crush on the OM. At that point, I didn’t tell my husband because I thought it was nothing and will go away eventually. My husband and I were spending less time together and we were having less sex, which didn't help. He would come home late, and I would pretend to be tired and go to bed early. We still had sex, but only once or twice a week.

My husband started coming home early again, but by then I wasn't thinking straight. At that point, I had told the OM that I had a crush on him and my emotional affair turned into a physical affair where I was fully cheating on my husband. This lasted for two weeks. My husband thought I was working late when I stayed out with the OM. I feel terrible for what I did and could not live with the guilt and confessed everything to him. Another reason that drove me to confess was because my affair didn't play out the way I had hoped for. When I confessed my feelings for the OM, it turned out he didn’t feel the same way but was still interested in me for the physical nature of it all. I was hurt and felt rejected.

Another reason this might have happened is because I am very weak-willed. Ever since middle school I have dealt with bouts of depression. I never saw a therapist about it because I couldn't afford it when I was younger, and now that I'm older, just tried to work through it. I think when I started to see my husband less, I got so depressed I drove myself to anyone else who would give me more attention. I know there's no justification for what I did, but that's how I felt at the time.

When I told my husband everything, he didn't immediately divorce me so I took every step necessary to make things right. I wrote my NC letter to the OM, and truly have no desire to contact him again. But after my husband asked me, I did admit that if we divorced, I'd probably want to stay in touch with the OM, but not romantically. I sleep in the guest bedroom now.

It is at this point that I need advice. I have been reading this site, looking at what has been said to the other WS's. I have been trying to support my husband however I can while he decides if wants a divorce or not. I have been telling him I want us to work out. I've been texting and emailing him throughout the day telling him that. When we talk, I apologize for what I've done.

I am concerned with how I can feel this this way only after two years of marriage. I still love my husband but the spark isn't there anymore.

I used to feel so much lust for him. Like I could spend every waking moment with him and would not get tired of being around him. I was so in love with him. Now, I just love him but not the same in love as I used to feel.

I am afraid to stay with him for the wrong reasons. We do not have kids and I would be fine financially if we divorce. What I mean is that, I don't want to stay together for the sake of trying to rebuild what we once had. I know I can't get that back... but I am having trouble deciding if I am good enough to be the wife he wants me to be, that I should be. Right now, I don't feel I deserve a second chance, because what I did was so horrible. But, I cannot imagine a life without my husband. He was my best friend for so long. He says he would permanently cut out all forms of communication with me if he decides to divorce me. 

It's been two weeks past Dday, and my husband held my hand. It was the first physical contact we had since Dday. It felt awkward to me, as I still don't think I'm worthy enough to even be holding his hand. The next day he told me he was leaning toward divorce. It was opposite from how he acted the day prior, holding my hand, but I realize his emotions are all over right now.

I want to save our marriage for the right reasons. For reasons that we would both be happy for the rest of our lives together.

What should I do? Thanks for your input.


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## TBT

ClearBlueSky said:


> I wrote my NC letter to the OM, and truly have no desire to contact him again. But after my husband asked me, I did admit that if we divorced, I'd probably want to stay in touch with the OM, but not romantically.


If I was your H,I would have a hard time digesting this,because it looks like you're saying that you're still interested.The "not romantically" part would especially carry no weight.


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## GTA06

Well some point in our lives we face situations that force us to reconsider our decisions about important things in life.Right it's important you find a counselor who can counsel you well.
Face they situation with complete honesty because without being brutally honest you will continue to make a bad situation worse


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## YellowRoses

From your first post you sound half-hearted at best about reconciliation and that's nowhere near enough

What would you have done if OM wanted you for more than sex ?


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## lovelygirl

You don't think you deserve a second chance, yet you want to stay married to your husband. Do you want to be with him because he gives you security?
It's not fair to him. Do him and yourself a favor. Be honest.


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## ClearBlueSky

YellowRoses said:


> From your first post you sound half-hearted at best about reconciliation and that's nowhere near enough
> 
> What would you have done if OM wanted you for more than sex ?


If the OM felt the same way, honestly as ashamed as I am to say this but I think the affair could have lasted longer than the two weeks. However, I don't see it working out in the long term so I never though I could leave my husband for him. I think I miss the feeling of lust for someone, the one I felt for my husband when we first got together. When I found this with someone else, I just went along with it. It was wrong and selfish of me but that's what happened.


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## cantthinkstraight

You comments resemble that of a cake eater, plain and simple.

In one sentence, you say that you'd keep banging the OM if
he felt the same way about you... and the next, you're
saying you want to save your marriage.

Well...... _WHICH IS IT?_

You can't have it both ways....


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## TRy

ClearBlueSky said:


> If the OM felt the same way, honestly as ashamed as I am to say this but I think the affair could have lasted longer than the two weeks. However, I don't see it working out in the long term so I never though I could leave my husband for him. I think I miss the feeling of lust for someone, the one I felt for my husband when we first got together. When I found this with someone else, I just went along with it. It was wrong and selfish of me but that's what happened.


 Until it gets old, the other man (OM) will always have the sexual advantage over your husband because of the newness factor and because of the excitement of cheating. If you were to marry this other OM, in a few years your current husband would have the advantage of newness and the excitement of cheating. This is why many cheaters cheat with their exs. Cheating always involves cake eating. You want the excitement and the security that you can only have with 2 men. In the long run you will not be able to achieve this goal, but will hurt yourself and everyone that loves you finding this out.


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## MattMatt

Have you and your husband had STD and HIV tests, yet?

You should. And quickly. (And do not think for one moment your OM would not cheat on you. That's not how his type of person acts.)


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## TBT

ClearBlueSky said:


> If the OM felt the same way, honestly as ashamed as I am to say this but I think the affair could have lasted longer than the two weeks. However, I don't see it working out in the long term so I never though I could leave my husband for him. I think I miss the feeling of lust for someone, the one I felt for my husband when we first got together. When I found this with someone else, I just went along with it. It was wrong and selfish of me but that's what happened.


I don't understand why you want to reconcile when you're basically saying if you had your way the affair would still be going on.Your H just looks like your fallback position imo.The bloom isn't going to be on the rose all the time in any marriage.It sometimes takes hard work.Maybe you need to have a good look at yourself,your boundaries and what direction you really want to go in your life,and do it more from the head than the heart.Good luck.


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## YellowRoses

Sorry OP, but you're not really marriage material from the sound of it, chasing thrills after less than 2y. 

Try and be honest with yourself and your husband before you have kids and a load more baggage


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## ClearBlueSky

MattMatt said:


> Have you and your husband had STD and HIV tests, yet?
> 
> You should. And quickly. (And do not think for one moment your OM would not cheat on you. That's not how his type of person acts.)



Yes. The day after I told my husband I got tested. And, ever since my affair turned physical, I had stopped doing anything with my husband since I felt so guilty.


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## bandit.45

If you cannot love your husband the way he deserves then you need to be kind and give him a divorce. Give him everything and except for child support ask for nothing, because you deserve nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

ClearBlueSky said:


> Yes. The day after I told my husband I got tested. And, ever since my affair turned physical, I had stopped doing anything with my husband since I felt so guilty.


Good.

Now, a question. If your husband forgave you, when, do you think, you would hook-up with your OM or another OM?

Or do you think that would not happen?

Incidentally, did you plan to run away with your OM, only to have him laugh in your face?


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## ClearBlueSky

MattMatt said:


> Good.
> 
> Now, a question. If your husband forgave you, when, do you think, you would hook-up with your OM or another OM?
> 
> Or do you think that would not happen?
> 
> Incidentally, did you plan to run away with your OM, only to have him laugh in your face?


Answer to your question: Never. But whether my H forgave me or not, I would never cheat again. My original post says that I admit if we divorce that I would want to stay in contact with the OM but after thinking more about it, I don't think I'd actually want to stay in contact for any reason. This experience has shown me how much I had hurt my husband, who is the most important person in my life, and how I never want to do that to him again.


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## bandit.45

Print out your last post and tape it to the mirror in your bathroom. Read it 20 times a day until it sinks in. Get into individual counseling with a pro marriage counselor and find out why you have sh*t for personal boundaries. 

Guess I have to ask but did you do things sexually with the OM that you have never done or refused to do with your husband? He will want to know and you better have an answer ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClearBlueSky

bandit.45 said:


> Guess I have to ask but did you do things sexually with the OM that you have never done or refused to do with your husband? He will want to know and you better have an answer ready.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did agree to do things with the OM that I have not done with my husband in a long time but nothing that I have never done or refused to do. And I did tell my husband about all the details of my affair since I want our new relationship to start honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

ClearBlueSky said:


> Answer to your question: Never. But whether my H forgave me or not, I would never cheat again. My original post says that I admit if we divorce that I would want to stay in contact with the OM but after thinking more about it, I don't think I'd actually want to stay in contact for any reason. This experience has shown me how much I had hurt my husband, who* is the most important person in my life*, and how I never want to do that to him again.


Is he important becase you're in love with him or you just love him?
If you are running out of intimate feelings then it's best to leave him.


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## ClearBlueSky

lovelygirl said:


> You don't think you deserve a second chance, yet you want to stay married to your husband. Do you want to be with him because he gives you security?
> It's not fair to him. Do him and yourself a favor. Be honest.


I guess right now I don't feel ready to be given a second chance. I still feel so horrible about what I did. Yes, my husband gives me a sense of security. Also, I feel that no man can love me as much as he did before my affair and I'm not ready to let it all go now, if ever. He loved me regardless of all my flaws and I don't expect him to look past this awful thing I did. I want to be the best for him. After all of this, I want to change and be a better person, hopefully for him if he accept. I know what I did was so unfair to him but I feel like nothing I can do right now can repair the damage done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

ClearBlueSky said:


> I guess right now I don't feel ready to be given a second chance. I still feel so horrible about what I did. Yes, my husband gives me a sense of security. Also, I feel that no man can love me as much as he did before my affair and I'm not ready to let it all go now, if ever. He loved me regardless of all my flaws and I don't expect him to look past this awful thing I did. I want to be the best for him. After all of this, I want to change and be a better person, hopefully for him if he accept. I know what I did was so unfair to him but I feel like nothing I can do right now can repair the damage done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alright. In other words you're not _in_ love with him.

If he only knew what you're writing here ... 
Poor him!


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## Beowulf

ClearBlue,

Two years. So basically right after the honeymoon period. Instead of transitioning smoothly into a comfortable long term relationship phase you sought out another man to trigger the infatuation state once again. Do you understand that long term relationships change and evolve over time? The high dopamine saturation you get with the infatuation stage of a relationship can't last. The human brain can't sustain that dopamine level. People who can't transition into the comfort or oxytocin period of a relationship are called serial monogamists. They are forever going from one partner to the next always chasing that new relationship high. I know you are the one who had the affair and your husband is in a huge amount of emotional distress right now, but you are the one I feel sorry for if you can't be happy with someone for more than a couple of years.


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## Zanna

ClearBlueSky said:


> I guess right now I don't feel ready to be given a second chance. I still feel so horrible about what I did. Yes, my husband gives me a sense of security. Also, I feel that no man can love me as much as he did before my affair and I'm not ready to let it all go now, if ever. He loved me regardless of all my flaws and I don't expect him to look past this awful thing I did. I want to be the best for him. After all of this, I want to change and be a better person, hopefully for him if he accept. I know what I did was so unfair to him but I feel like nothing I can do right now can repair the damage done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Withdrawal can make you feel like you're not still in love with your husband, but what is being "in love" anyway? Those romantic feelings don't last but what does last is a more mature love that is based on trust and respect and truly wanting what is best for your spouse.

You can rebuild your M if your H is willing but don't string the poor man along if YOU are not willing to give it 110%.

And if you make your M better than it was before, and you learn to appreciate what you have, then you just might feel like you're in love with your H again...in time.


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## arbitrator

My advice is for you to immediately get into IC, basically to see if you even have a snowball's chance at reconciling with husband in MC. It's a crapshoot, but it's the only way that you're ever going to truly know!


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## Headspin

I'm rarely blunt but this is simple

Just look ahead a bit ....you can either be completely honest and say listen I've shown I will hurt you, completely destroy you, if I am not fulfilled in this marriage so we do have to finish. Now.

That will hurt no question about it, him and you. 

However you will leave it with dignity and better for you, with some deep heartfelt honesty.

These are the choices a cheater has at that point.

Ignore this and you will utterly destroy him with deceit lies and callousness and he and others will hate you forever. 

You will also deep down hate yourself for doing it and try to cover it up with more lies and blame shifting

All it amounts to ultimately is pain upon pain upon pain for you both especially the betrayed spouse

Now do yourself (and him) a favour


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## carpenoctem

ClearBlueSky said:


> Yes. The day after I told my husband I got tested. And, ever since my affair turned physical, I had stopped doing anything with my husband since I felt so guilty.


*did you stop using his monetary or emotional support ever since your affair turned physical?
NO.
you stopped only the sex.
and what kind of a loser does that make your husband?
and why do you want this loser back?*


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## Kallan Pavithran

Divorce him, it will be better for both of you, as you lost the spark and respect for your marriage and husband in less than two yrs you will stray again, again and again when other OMs show up in future.

Get an IC and find what is wrong with you and fix it so that in the next relationship you wont stray after one or two yrs.


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## Caribbean Man

YellowRoses said:


> From your first post you sound half-hearted at best about reconciliation and that's nowhere near enough
> 
> *What would you have done if OM wanted you for more than sex *?




And , "...Therin lies the rub...."
Somehow in this life everybody sees everything through their own special filters.
The antecedent to her problem with the OM was that she felt a sense of entitlement for having made the "sacrificial " move to the East Coast with her husband.


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## costa200

ClearBlueSky, I'm going to give it to you straight. Because i think you need to hear it. Just by reading what you posted here i can smell lies and deceit. Honestly i don't trust a word you say. 

It seems you're getting into some sort of phase that you're trying to conform with social norms after doing a big no-no. You said that you went with NC with the OM yet you admit to your husband that if he divorced you contact would be re-established. That just means that the NC thing is fake. 

You praise your husband on his qualities yet it took you a few posts to express the will to not do this again and recognize the pain you inflicted upon that poor guy. You basically don't want to be with him but you want what he gives you. You do know how incredibly selfish that sounds?

Oh, and this after 2 years of marriage. 

I would advise you to have at least a moment of honesty and morality and let go of your husband. He deserves a lot better in spite of having made the mistake of marrying you.


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## Eli-Zor

> "I would advise you to have at least a moment of honesty and morality and let go of your husband. He deserves a lot better in spite of having made the mistake of marrying you."


or remove every memory and material item you wore or received from the OM. Recovering from an affair is hard work and it is a one or two year programme , it will get better with time , it does require you to throw yourself body , mind and soul into your marriage. You will reach rock bottom though your rock bottom is nowhere as low as your husbands.

Read the book "his needs her needs" by Harley for guidance on emotional needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Clear Blue,

Read your original post agin.

You are all over the place with your emotions with respect to your husband and with your guilt.

Can I make one suggestion.

Wait. Wait a persiod of time to get your emotions under control before a big decision is made. See if your Husband will wait a few months until his emotions are under control.

It is his decision to divorce you. But he is hurting really bad because not only did his wife cheat on him but his long time nest friend blew his world up.

And that best friend is feeling really sad, bad and very mad at herself for doing that.

You are both in no place to make a decision about your marriage.

And young lady, get your crap together. Because your self worth is in the gutter. And you both deserve better than what you gave in the marriage.

And if he does give you a 2nd chance and you want it, well, you better throw yourself 200% into your marriage.

It is the least he deserves if he does not D you.

HM64


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## Eli-Zor

The following is aong long post and lots of reading from another member of the forum:-----



"
Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!
"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker

ClearBlueSky said:


> I am concerned with how I can feel this this way only after two years of marriage. I still love my husband but* the spark isn't there anymore.*
> 
> I used to feel so much lust for him. Like I could spend every waking moment with him and would not get tired of being around him. I was so in love with him. Now,* I just love him but not the same in love as I used to feel.
> *
> *I am afraid to stay with him for the wrong reasons.*


ClearBlue, you need to listen to the advice from this gal. She's identified the root of the problem for you. She is telling you the "spark" was gone long before this friend came along and and she knows that once chicks have lost the "spark" it never really comes back.


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## happyman64

Hold on a minute. That is not always the case.

Read many of the threads here. The spark is lost with the loyal spouse because she lit a new spark with the OM which happens in mant cases.

The spark was transferred during the course of the A.

Now, that does not mean the spark will come back to your marriage. That takes two and a lot of hard work. And NC needs to be maintained.

And ClearBlueSky went from "it was just sex" to having a spark with this guy. I am now waiting for the "I love my husband but I am not in love with him line".

All of this info goes to show how foggy ClearBlueSky is right now and that she is clearly in limbo.

I fel sorry for her but mostly for her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

You don't have the spark with your husband right now because you chose to give it away to the OM.

The same OM who ONLY wants to bang you. He played you dear girl. He saw a lonely girl who wasn't getting her attention fix from her husband - he knew because you told him so. So he did what any guy would do, and he moved in for the easy lay. And you let him.

You sound very immature in your posting. You describe every factor around you as responsible for your cheating except one: YOU.

And now you are continuing to blame things as being outside your control for why you don't feel any spark for your husband.

It is about standing up as an actual adult and taking charge of your life at this point.
---
1. You chose to put your emotional energy (spark) into the OM and not your husband. This in turn led you develop lust for the OM. In fact you spent so much time working on build this relationship with the OM, that even when he was honest with you about ONLY wanting to use you for him to get off sexually, you not only accepted being used as nothing more than a sex toy to him, you pushed you husband aside to do it.

Love, sex, lust is a much about choice as it is compatibility with the partner. You are compatible with your husband, but you chose to push him aside so you could give yourself to the OM.

btw - the OM doesn't love you. He doesn't care for you. He is however willing to use you to get off.

You husband does appear to love you. Does care for you. The problem is YOU haven't and aren't currently putting the effort into being with him.
-----
2. Writing the OM a NC letter and then continuing to see him at ALL even professionally from across the room - HAS TO STOP. If you are working at the same company, well quit tomorrow and start looking for a new place.
-----
3. Find someone who can really really talk some sense into you. Then work with them on the following things:

3a - Why on earth would you want to go back to the OM who sees you as essentially a free prostitute? 

3b - Why haven't you realized that "professionally" you compromised yourself with the OM. You sure did network: He will be telling the other people in the field that you are willing to have sex with no strings attached, and all a guy has to do is throw you some attention. He can even say he only wants to use you, and you'll be OK with that. Is that the professional reputation you wanted? Realize that the OM sees you this way. - Yet you still want to be friends with him?

3c- Time to stop being a girl and be a married woman. Girls jump to new boys when their current BF doesn't show her enough attention. Girls trade easy sex without strings to boys to get them to come back and give more attention to them. Married women, who are worthy of being called a woman, instead reach out to their husband and take responsibility to enrich the marriage and passion. They talk to their husband, and when together time is short because of real life demands like work they worked hard at using what time they do have valuable and good for the marriage.

Which are you ready to be? You've been the little girl who's trading sex for attention. Are you now going to choose to be a married woman who doesn't cruise through her marriage, but instead actually works at making it have lust, passion, love?

Love, lust, passion don't fall from the sky - they get fueled by you by choice. If you want them, you need to build them in your marriage. From your post it's clear that you expected them to come to you without any effort on your part. You don't seem to realize they require work from you, and the reason why they are gone right now and with the affair instead is that YOU stopped putting effort into your husband and entirely into the OM. 

The choice is entirely YOURS to return to the marriage and put the effort into creating love,lust, passion with your husband. So long as he is willing to have you. Be fast however - there are phases he will be going through emotionally, and if you don't get off you tail and start pursuing him - there will come a turning point when he will recognize you not putting effort into him, and he will boot you out. Your goal is to relight the fire in him and the marriage so that when he hits that thought, he pushes it away instead of pursuing it.

So stop with the poor me, I don't deserve this, I'm a victim here, I wish it was different etc. And instead SAY: I AM CHOOSING TO MAKE MY MARRIAGE THRIVE, AND TO MAKE MY HUSBAND FEEL LOVED AND DESIRED.

Yes, you made a selfish horrible choice by stopping pursuit of your husband, and to switch to pursuing looser OM who sees you as nothing more than a body to have sex with.

Now you have what could be the turning moment in your life - the one where you stop being a girl and choose to be a woman.

You can choose to put your love, emotion, energy, and passion into your husband.


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## ClearBlueSky

Thanks for everyone's advice so far. I need time to think and go to IC for help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClearBlueSky

Right now I am spending a lot of time with my husband to try and win him back to give me a second chance. I'm just not sure how to do it. Never been in a situation like this before. My husband always gave me what I want and now after this everything's changed. Everything always came so easily and I think I got bored. I always took took took and never gave back. I know everything I say and do is selfish. I need to change fast, or he will leave me for sure. 
Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with the guilt and I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. That i am hoping will help at IC. 

Shaggy's post is very true and helpful. It's true that I haven't put in the effort on my husband, and I want to change that. I realized that I should never contact the OM for any reason, I am so ashamed what I allowed happened with him. I do want to grow up and be a woman, the woman that my husband deserves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331

ClearBlueSky said:


> Right now I am spending a lot of time with my husband to try and win him back to give me a second chance. I'm just not sure how to do it. Never been in a situation like this before. My husband always gave me what I want and now after this everything's changed. Everything always came so easily and I think I got bored. I always took took took and never gave back. I know everything I say and do is selfish. I need to change fast, or he will leave me for sure.
> Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with the guilt and I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. That i am hoping will help at IC.
> 
> Shaggy's post is very true and helpful. It's true that I haven't put in the effort on my husband, and I want to change that. I realized that I should never contact the OM for any reason, I am so ashamed what I allowed happened with him. I do want to grow up and be a woman, the woman that my husband deserves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I won't jump on the flaming bandwagon. You already sound very ashamed for what you did. Let me share what worked with my W when I found out she'd been unfaithful.

I played hard ball with my wife. She saw Mean "Take No Sh!t" David come out, and she'd never met him before. Partially my fault, of course, and maybe if she'd met him prior her infidelity wouldn't have happened. Regardless, I chose to stay because she showed me true remorse. How?

She already had cut off all contact with her affair partner (I found out about the affair years after the fact). However, she had kept some toxic friends that had exacerbated the situation. I told her "They're gone" and she said, "Hand me the phone." And right then and there, they were gone. These were close friends, her friends since junior high school. She proved to me that our marriage was more important than them.

I said, we're going to marriage counseling. She again said, "Hand me the phone." She called the counselor and made the appointment. And we went, and she also went to the same counselor for IC. This was very difficult for her, as she grew up in a "tough girls don't cry or talk about their feelings" family. In the six years I'd known her, I don't need all the fingers on one hand to count the number of times she'd cried. But she sucked it the f*ck up, went to these sessions. She was a wreck for a while, but she was also finally growing up.

She took full responsibility for her actions. She didn't blame shift, gas light, or anything. She did trickle truth, I will say that. I had to draw the truth out of her like a poison, and she was so ashamed of what she'd done that she she would break down into convulsing sobs when I'd get more truth out of her. She cried almost non-stop for two weeks. No kidding, she lost 10 lbs from not eating.

She read every book I threw at her. Cover to cover. And every night in the bed we talked about what we were reading, and she talked about how it related to what she'd done.

So what's the point of all this? My wife stood up, put on her big girl britches, owned what she'd done, confronted the issues that led her to make such terrible decisions. IOW *she fought for our marriage*. That's what you have to do, you have to fight for your marriage. _And you have to do it knowing that he might not take you back_.


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## crossbar

ClearBlueSky said:


> Answer to your question: Never. But whether my H forgave me or not, I would never cheat again. *My original post says that I admit if we divorce that I would want to stay in contact with the OM but after thinking more about it, I don't think I'd actually want to stay in contact for any reason*. This experience has shown me how much I had hurt my husband, who is the most important person in my life, and how I never want to do that to him again.


 Still doesn't change the fact that you told your husband you would. And you can tell him that you've changed your mind on that statement. He's not going to believe you. He has no reason to trust you. 

As far as your husband is concerned, he still thinks that you value the OM on some level.


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## carpenoctem

Davelli0331 said:


> I won't jump on the flaming bandwagon. You already sound very ashamed for what you did. Let me share what worked with my W when I found out she'd been unfaithful.
> 
> I played hard ball with my wife. She saw Mean "Take No Sh!t" David come out, and she'd never met him before. Partially my fault, of course, and maybe if she'd met him prior her infidelity wouldn't have happened. Regardless, I chose to stay because she showed me true remorse. How?
> 
> She already had cut off all contact with her affair partner (I found out about the affair years after the fact). However, she had kept some toxic friends that had exacerbated the situation. I told her "They're gone" and she said, "Hand me the phone." And right then and there, they were gone. These were close friends, her friends since junior high school. She proved to me that our marriage was more important than them.
> 
> I said, we're going to marriage counseling. She again said, "Hand me the phone." She called the counselor and made the appointment. And we went, and she also went to the same counselor for IC. This was very difficult for her, as she grew up in a "tough girls don't cry or talk about their feelings" family. In the six years I'd known her, I don't need all the fingers on one hand to count the number of times she'd cried. But she sucked it the f*ck up, went to these sessions. She was a wreck for a while, but she was also finally growing up.
> 
> She took full responsibility for her actions. She didn't blame shift, gas light, or anything. She did trickle truth, I will say that. I had to draw the truth out of her like a poison, and she was so ashamed of what she'd done that she she would break down into convulsing sobs when I'd get more truth out of her. She cried almost non-stop for two weeks. No kidding, she lost 10 lbs from not eating.
> 
> She read every book I threw at her. Cover to cover. And every night in the bed we talked about what we were reading, and she talked about how it related to what she'd done.
> 
> So what's the point of all this? My wife stood up, put on her big girl britches, owned what she'd done, confronted the issues that led her to make such terrible decisions. IOW *she fought for our marriage*. That's what you have to do, you have to fight for your marriage. _And you have to do it knowing that he might not take you back_.




*You, Sir, are luckier now than when you found your first love.*
Ask any BS on this forum, and he would concede.
All the best.


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## sinnister

There is way too much stalk being put into fairytales.

Spark is a myth. It can never last...that's why it's called a spark. You can't build a relationship on something destined to fade.

A sustainable fire has to be built on mutual love, honesty respect etc.


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## Beelzebub

for what you have done, I dont think you will win him, if the man had same feeling, you could have left your husband, and im sure if that man calls you now saying he love you, you will go back to him. 
you are just using your husband as the backup plan. I hope he leave this marriage. he deserve a better person.


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## ClearBlueSky

Beelzebub said:


> for what you have done, I dont think you will win him, if the man had same feeling, you could have left your husband, and im sure if that man calls you now saying he love you, you will go back to him.
> you are just using your husband as the backup plan. I hope he leave this marriage. he deserve a better person.


If the other man had same feelings now and tells me I would not leave my husband for him. What I had with the OM was just a temp infatuation and I knew it wasn't going to last. Your comment is harsh but I know what i did was horrible so don't blame you. My husband and I have been talking a lot about us and what I need to do to change to win him back. I am willing to do a Lie detection test to prove to him I've told him everything. Our new relationship has begun and I am now completely transparent. He hasn't decided for reconciliation or divorce but I am working really hard to change, fast, so that he can lean towards R. We both know that I need IC, which I will get. Then, onto MC. But I think a lot of the issues are with me so I am hoping IC will fix most issues between us. I want to change to be the person he deserves, isn't that possible? I guess i am the only one that has contol over that now. I know from my actions so far may not seem possible but I am sure I can be that person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAnotherGuy

ClearBlueSky said:


> If the other man had same feelings now and tells me I would not leave my husband for him. What I had with the OM was just a temp infatuation and I knew it wasn't going to last.


So you ruined your marriage for something you knew wasn't going to last?


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## ClearBlueSky

sinnister said:


> There is way too much stalk being put into fairytales.
> 
> Spark is a myth. It can never last...that's why it's called a spark. You can't build a relationship on something destined to fade.
> 
> A sustainable fire has to be built on mutual love, honesty respect etc.


You are right I have been living to pursue that fairy tale. Through all this I now know that I want to grow up. I now realize I am on the verge of losing the most important thing in my life and I want to do what it takes to get it back. I just need to be strong enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClearBlueSky

JustAnotherGuy said:


> So you ruined your marriage for something you knew wasn't going to last?


Yep. Totally stupid. I admit that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar

if you get him to go to marriage counseling you need to find one that specialize in infidelity. Your run of the mill counselor will tell your husband that it was his fault that you cheated and he doesn't need to be lied to right now.

You cheated because you made a choice to cheat.


----------



## ClearBlueSky

What to do when my husband doesn't want to spend any time with me? How can I convince him towards R if he doesn't spend any time with me. His response is always: I want to be alone. I am afraid if I give him too much alone time that we will drift apart and being even farther from reconciling. Should I just let him be alone? Any adivce? Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## glitchathon

ClearBlueSky said:


> Yep. Totally stupid. I admit that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sounds more like you went back to him because you found out the OM did not share the same feelings you had for him. Your husband sounds like a backup. So which is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Something must have been pretty good you kept going back for more ...well for at least 2 weeks. At least the OM was honest with you. I imagine the OM had some idea that you were not the moral fiber he wanted out of a real relationship.

So now you go back to your H and you even confess I can respect that. I know you didn't grow up telling your self "when I grow up i want to be an adultor" so except the consequences and file for divorce. It will then be up to your H to turn the corner before its finalized. 

Now that you have learned a valuable lesson you may need a new relationship to prove it.

In my case I acted the same way when I confronted my wifes cheating... I rug swept and after a few years she went back to it...different guy but still I didn't face it and she continued. She actually asked for a divorce and I refussed all the while she continued her behavior while I abused her.

Take these lesson and move on why wait to get back to a point were you do something you told your self years ago that you wouldn't do. Start a second affair or even a ONS to get through an unhealthy marriage.

At the end of the day *both* of you need to face this. Your H is doing him self a disservice by not dealing with this and distancing him self. I wish I could tell him what he is doing is not going to end well...it may take 13 years but it will not end well and NOW is the time to face it and if that mean ending the marriage then do so.

There is no point in living in a 13 year marriage that is filled with resentment, infidelity and abuse...I know I lived it. 

Life is to short.


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## ClearBlueSky

glitchathon said:


> Sounds more like you went back to him because you found out the OM did not share the same feelings you had for him. Your husband sounds like a backup. So which is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want to win my husband back. Although it does sound like he was a back up that is not true. What I did with the OM was totally heat of the moment from being infatuated with him. I didn't think about the consequences of my action at that point in time. I am trying to make up for that so I came here for advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## glitchathon

Fact is, if I were your husband, i would never believe it. You got rejected by the OM and came running back. Your husband will always feel like a backup and unfortunately there is no way he can take your word for it, since you have already proven yourself to be untrustworthy. The fact is, him working late for a little drove you to another man. How is he supposed to trust you to raise a family and grow old with and be there for each other through tough times?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52

ClearBlueSky said:


> What to do when my husband doesn't want to spend any time with me? How can I convince him towards R if he doesn't spend any time with me. His response is always: I want to be alone. I am afraid if I give him too much alone time that we will drift apart and being even farther from reconciling. Should I just let him be alone? Any adivce? Thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CBS -- there are alot of good people on TAM -- most have been cheated on and a few good people who were the cheaters have successfully R or in the middle. Listen to their advice.

From what I have read and seen is yes -- give your husband all the space he needs. He has to deal with you infidleity at his own pace --NOT YOURS. Again -- find someone on this forum who is willing to help you.

I will also say that make sure you are 100% certain that R is what you want. No sense of even asking -- if you have any doubts.

What concerns me is that this happened after just 2 years. Not that cheating is ever acceptable -- but -- the signature on your marriage certificate was still wet.

Good luck CBS !!


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## Shaggy

What are five reasons why your husband should stay? Just jot down the first five that pop into your head - I'm not him so you don't have to make a case for each, but this exercise may help focus you.


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## Beowulf

ClearBlueSky said:


> I want to win my husband back. Although it does sound like he was a back up that is not true. What I did with the OM was totally heat of the moment from being infatuated with him. I didn't think about the consequences of my action at that point in time. I am trying to make up for that so I came here for advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me ask. Other than go back to your husband what have you done so far to demonstrate that you really want to reconcile and repair the damage you've done? Have you started IC yet? Have you written out a NC letter and asked your husband to make sure it is satisfactory? Have you purchased and read any books on recovering from infidelity? Have you written a long detailed letter to your husband explaining why you love him, why he should take you back and what you are going to do to make things right?


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## warlock07

What is your relationship with the OM now? How did it end?


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## Badblood

ClearBlueSky said:


> I want to win my husband back. Although it does sound like he was a back up that is not true. What I did with the OM was totally heat of the moment from being infatuated with him. I didn't think about the consequences of my action at that point in time. I am trying to make up for that so I came here for advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope that this is true, CBS, but you must be ABSOLUTELY SURE that it is. One of the first things you need to do is to think it through and only then act.


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## bandit.45

You have no control over what your husband does. All you can do is wait. The ball is in his court now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

JustAnotherGuy said:


> So you ruined your marriage for something you knew wasn't going to last?


:wtf:

Seriously? Oh, wait! You knew your husband loved you! You knew your stupid, loving husband would take you back, no matter how badly you kicked him, no matter how many times you, metaphorically, said: "Hey, hon! I'm just going to have wild affair sex with my lover! Be a babe for me and hold my coat, huh?"

And "Good boy! Roll over and play dead! And would you like me to bring you a doggy bag back from the restaurant when my lover takes me out for a meal, next? Oh, by the way, he says he'll be real grateful if you could let my charge for the meal on our joint card."

There's a key word for the relationship you had most recently with your husband. It is disrespect.


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## GotMeWonderingNow

I'm no expert, far from it in fact, but it sounds to me like you should both cut your losses now rather than wait for a few more years, maybe kids etc since it will get a whole lot more complicated. It sounds like your heart really isn't into it.


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## wiigirl

lovelygirl said:


> You don't think you deserve a second chance, yet you want to stay married to your husband. Do you want to be with him because he gives you security?
> It's not fair to him. Do him and yourself a favor. Be honest.


:iagree:

You can't have your cake and eat it too...


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## anonymouskitty

ClearBlueSky said:


> I want to win my husband back. Although it does sound like he was a back up that is not true. What I did with the OM was totally heat of the moment from being infatuated with him. I didn't think about the consequences of my action at that point in time. I am trying to make up for that so I came here for advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


CBS, what if your husband were to act on his infatuation and come home to you saying that it was the heat of the moment and that he was thinking with the head between his legs?

The best advice I can give you is to go with what your husband decides, you messed up and giving him the gift of deciding the course of your relationship is the best thing you could do for him.


Wait, why don't we look at your situation this way. Maybe your husband isn't "In Love" aka lusting for you either, maybe he's bored with you, maybe he wants to sample some other tidbits on the side, it isn't a biggie right?? Since he probably doesn't have feelings for the other women. He's just going to go out there and bang them and come back to you, sounds like a deal to me. He'll just say that he didn't want a relationship with those other women, he just wanted to sate his lust.

Why don't you put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself "Would I want to be married to me??"


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## ClearBlueSky

Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.

Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.


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## keko

You will forever be a person that cheated but that doesn't mean you wont become a better person. 

IF your husband divorces you, being honest with your future partners and showing you've improved yourself should be enough.


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## the guy

Thats a tough question, I guess if it was just dating, I would keep it on the down low, but as the relationship got serious and the SO asked for a commited relationship I would inform him.

Then explain your path to learning the tools to change those unhealthy behaviors. So if your dating, folks don't need to hear that personal side until the relationship gets serious.

Who knows, he may admit to the same thing.

See its things like this that start out a healthy foundation. I think it would show the new SO some real honesty....versue the SO finding out on the wedding day that he's about to marry a recovering adultor.

The thing is years down the road the SO will find out from some friend of a friend or a loud mouth relitive.


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## cledus_snow

cheating is a trust issue. 

that trust will be forever suspect. people, myself included, need to feel they can trust you. something such as infidelity really hampers people putting their trust in you. this is something you have to re-gain through hard work.


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## happyman64

The key is to learn from your A. You might always label yourself a cheater but you have the choice t o be a good person and be remembered as a good person.

Work on you and focus your attention on your H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Just my opinion.
The very fact you are asking yourself this questions prove you are not a bad person. What people might tell about you is not something you can control. It may bother you specially if the labeler is someone close to you but what really should matter is what you think about yourself. You are not deluded. You confessed, you asume the responsability, you reject what you did, you are taking it seriosly, you are taking steps to improve yourself. That's a HUGE diffeerence. Your actions say you are not letting your poor past choices define who you are from now on. You are your own master. You are writing more pages in your record, putting distance between the woman who cheated and you.


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## seasalt

Two days ago you said you wanted to win your husband back. Now your postulating about your next serious romantic relationship.

Doesn't sound very positive to me


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## EleGirl

Do you still work with the OM?


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## Badblood

seasalt said:


> Two days ago you said you wanted to win your husband back. Now your postulating about your next serious romantic relationship.
> 
> Doesn't sound very positive to me


This is a very good point. CBS, if you are absolutely sure that you want to R, because you want your husband AND NOBODY ELSE, then you need to go "all in". Make sure your husband knows in no uncertain terms that You LOVE, DESIRE and NEED him and ONLY him, and that you will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make it happen and will wait for him , NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, EVEN YEARS. That he is all you want, now, 6 months from now, 20 years from now. Total commitment and total devotion and total respect are the ONLY ways to true R, anything less is wasting both of your times. Go big or go home.


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## Caribbean Man

ClearBlueSky said:


> *Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated?* From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
> 
> Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.




The answer to your question is a resounding no.
But you must learn from you mistake and retrace your steps so that you can see exactly why you are in this position.
NEVER justify your mistake,it was your choice...Instead, learn from it.
Get that dirt off your shoulder and let this experience help you to grow.
Seek inner peace and self realization.


----------



## crossbar

ClearBlueSky said:


> Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
> 
> Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.


 When you come onto a site like TAM and you say that you are a cheater. Yeah, you're going to get some bashing coming your way. Because a lot of us have been hurt by the same actions that you've committed against your husband.

Sometimes when cheaters come on here and they say that they cheated because of "this, that and the other"...well, the bashing will increase because we've been here long enough to know a lot of the stupid excuses cheaters use and posters will call you on it. We are well versed. 

BUT, there is also an amazing thing that happens here. When a cheater comes on here and they are TRUELY remorseful and say, "Look, I screwed up. I hurt my family and I hurt the one person that meant the world to me. I have no excuses. I need help." 

People will say, " YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SCREWED UP!!!.....Okay, if you want a chance to fix this, this is how you do it." Of course you'll still get the occasional poster that will bash. But, you'll learn to filter those out and focus on the ones that are trying to help.

SO, here's my advice for the day. He wants some alone time. Let him have it. He's working through a lot a crap that he's never had to deal with before at this level. Be supportive and constantly (but gently) remind him of what he means to you....i.e. if you pack him a lunch for work. Drop a little note in there for him. Small stuff like that, nothing over the top. 

Right now, he doesn't believe a damn word you say to him. There is absolutely no trust for you now. So, why should he believe anything you say?

SO!! actions speaks louder than words right now. Buy books like, "Surviving the Affair" READ THEM!!! Do not point them out to him. "Look what I'm reading honey!" Believe me, he'll know without you pointing it out. Make yourself an appointment for IC to figure out why you did what you did. The only thing you need to tell him is when where how and why. Constantly tell him where you're going and with who and how long you're going to be gone.


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## ClearBlueSky

EleGirl said:


> Do you still work with the OM?


No. The day after D-day I have established no contact with the OM. My husband has full access to my phone, computer, email accounts, etc. He even reads my posts here. I have made myself fully transparent to my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClearBlueSky

Just had my 1st IC session, ever. Not sure what to expect from it. Should I continue if I feel the therapist didn't do much? She seemed really neutral to everything I said. Need advice on how to evaluate the effectiveness of a counseling session and the counselor. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seesaw

I felt the same for a few sessions, then she had me nailed completely and told me how it is. It was frustrating at first but well worth it. I guess it takes time to get a good handle on where a person is coming from.


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## Beowulf

The first few sessions are almost always a getting to know you period. I'd be wary of a counselor that offered advice or opinions without getting to know you first.


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## Sara8

ClearBlueSky said:


> Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone. I just feel pretty depressed right now, I guess.
> 
> Whether your are a cheater, been cheated on, or somehow involved with infidelity, I appreciate your comment, thanks.


Not all cheaters are bad people. Some are good people who did a bad thing. 

Alas, yes, now the label cheater may follow you for life. People know, even if you don't think they know about people who have affairs. 

As the saying goes the spouse is always the last to know. 

Also, for the Betrayed spouse, they may forever be labeled the betrayed spouse. 

Betrayed spouses are judged too buy those who know. Many consider us inadequate or somehow responsible for the cheater cheating. Others, pity us. Some see us as fools for trying reconciliation at any point. 

None of it is fair and none of it is nice. It just is what it is. 

I never thought I would be the humiliated betrayed spouse, Never. I truly trusted my husband. 

Maybe the lesson I was supposed to learn was to never trust anyone but myself. 

A sad lesson, maybe, but likely a valuable one. 

I am sure their is some lesson for the cheater to learn, too. 

What do you think that lesson is?


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## lovelygirl

ClearBlueSky said:


> Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated?


You are not necessarily a bad person, but you definitely were/are a bad wife unless you put your heart and mind fully into reconciliation and be remorseful.


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## Battle_Cats

ClearBlueSky said:


> Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated? From reading some of the discussion on this website, there are many harsh but seemly true things said about cheaters. I feel awful to have cheated on my loving husband and have done everything possible to "make it right" (confessed the truth, NC with OM, be completely transparent, seeking IC) but part of me still fear that no matter what I do, I will always be labelled as a bad person after what I've done. If my husband choose divorce, the way I would continue to "make it right" is to tell the next person I get romantically serious with that I did cheat before. Is this enough? What else can I do? After having cheated, I feel that my life is over, not sure if I will ever find love again or see myself growing old with someone.


Your actions are a cross you will have to bear as any person does. A person who commits a crime will have a record that follows them for their entire lives.

Your action has put you into a new reality. The reality is that now you will always have to decide whether to admit your action to others and thus expose yourself to their reaction. Some may choose to stay involved with you, some may choose not to. Your H is now living in that reality.

Also, I just want to point out that you talk a lot about yourself and how to make this work for you. You haven't haven't really even said much about how you think this has affected you H. What is *he* feeling? Do you even care so long as he chooses to stay?


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## hookares

uote:
Originally Posted by ClearBlueSky 
Am I forever a bad person now that I've cheated?
lovelygirl replied:
You are not necessarily a bad person, but you definitely were/are a bad wife unless you put your heart and mind fully into reconciliation and be remorseful.

hookares:
If she reconciles, how does she expect to be able to live with a guy who will NEVER trust her again?


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## CantSitStill

Alls I can say as a WS IS WHEN i confessed, left and came back home I told hubby it's up to him, his decision whether he wants me or wants to divorce, he asked a ton of questions and I answered them, it was a rough start, he set boundries and I still follow them. Good luck but it is his right to decide what to do about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClearBlueSky

Battle_Cats said:


> Also, I just want to point out that you talk a lot about yourself and how to make this work for you. You haven't haven't really even said much about how you think this has affected you H. What is *he* feeling? Do you even care so long as he chooses to stay?


Yes, I care about my H and how this has affected him. Like I said before, I just do everything he asks of me and I'm trying to be there for him whenever he is willing to see me. One of the things him and others have told me is that I need to be less selfish. How do I become less selfish?


----------



## DawnD

ClearBlueSky said:


> Yes, I care about my H and how this has affected him. Like I said before, I just do everything he asks of me and I'm trying to be there for him whenever he is willing to see me. One of the things him and others have told me is that I need to be less selfish. How do I become less selfish?


You stop worrying about you, and put him and his needs before your own. That is a start at least.


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## ClearBlueSky

Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

You got guts girl thats for sure.

I suggest that you replace any thoughts you have for OM with the reality of what he really is. A moraless man that slept witha married women.

get it?

Replace the good thoughts with bad ones, this may help in preventing you from fishing for the OM. I know , I know you tell us you won't but your mind keeps betraying you with these thought about the OM....so please counter the attack with the negitive things the OM has.


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## TBT

Sounds pretty personal when you're comparing H to OM.Why wouldn't you just say "there are some characteristics I wish my H could change" without using OM as the benchmark? The one characteristic your H has that OM doesn't and you should be happy about is that he seems not to cheat with other mens wives.


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## Beelzebub

WOW, why didnt you ask for a divorce and live with other man?


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## bandit.45

ClearBlueSky said:


> Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Well...you are still in the fog that's for sure.

What are these stellar personality traits the OM has? Give us a list of H's good points/bad points vs OM's good points/bad points and lets see what we here can make of it.


----------



## MattMatt

ClearBlueSky said:


> Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gosh, yes! Your husband is easy to fix.

Just tell him you want him to become a liar and have him cheat on you with other women! See? That's your husband so easily fixed and turned into your dream lover, the OM!:smthumbup:

What's that? That's not what you want?:scratchhead:

Either you are in the fog still (useless spouse v super cheater AP) or the OM was never all that you thought he was, but you projected on to him characteristics that you fantasised about.

Is that possible?

If you want your H to emulate the man you replaced your H with, then you have very little respect or genuine love for your H, it seems to me.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Well...you are still in the fog that's for sure.
> 
> What are these stellar personality traits the OM has? Give us a list of H's good points/bad points vs OM's good points/bad points and lets see what we here can make of it.


:iagree:


----------



## Falene

ClearBlueSky said:


> I am concerned with how I can feel this this way only after two years of marriage. I still love my husband but the spark isn't there anymore.
> 
> I used to feel so much lust for him. Like I could spend every waking moment with him and would not get tired of being around him. I was so in love with him. Now, I just love him but not the same in love as I used to feel.


I am older than you so I have a bit more water under my bridge. Due to your affair and the length of time you two have been married you may be lumping the fact that "the honeymoon is over" with the pain and anguish you have caused the two of you.

The lust one feels at the beginning of a relationship is almost always short lived regardless of the couple. It is just the way things are. I caution you against making a decision regarding your marriage based on the loss of that crazy lust you had experienced with him. You will find, in another relationship, that the lust will fade as well. 

I am the betrayed spouse and while I have always been attracted to my husband we lost the lust long ago (married seven years, together twelve). Had the loss of that wonderful drug known as lust occurred at the time of his affair....I don't think I could have separated out the two.

You have no children and this is a huge advantage for the both of you. Your younger age is as well. What you have done is the single worse thing you could have done to your husband and he has every right to dump your cheating arse. With that said, you also have the right to chose whether you want to be with him still as well.

I literally lost my mind when I found out that my husband had an affair. I took off and the time I was gone allowed something to take the place of that crazy lust and in some ways it is by far better and more stable. As much as I want to bury him alive sometimes, I still have that longing for him that developed while sitting in a hotel room all by myself.

Perhaps a break is in order so you both can sort out your feelings? I was gone for three nights, the longest three nights of my entire life. Those three nights helped me decide to take the path I am on now....reconciliation.

My best to you. I hope that if you decide to stay married you are the best wife you can be. You owe him that much and you also owe yourself that much too.


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## Shaggy

ClearBlueSky said:


> Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Such as being willing and ok to cheat with a married woman? Be very careful what you wish for because you might get it and your husband could decide he deserves a revenge affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

ClearBlueSky said:


> Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's something else that I just realised.

Do you understand the implications behind what you said, there?

You believed -rightly or wrongly- that your husband is lacking in some aspects.

So you sought out a lover who had the aspects you believe your husband is lacking in. 

The fact that you continue to believe that your husband is still lacking in these aspects might tend to indicate that you could, at some point in the future, seek another OM in order for you to find a man with the aspects that you claim are missing in your husband.

Please think carefully before answering these two questions:-

*Is your recovery and reconciliation a true one or a false one? *

*Do you think it beyond the bounds of possibility that you might have another affair?*


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## jh52

Hope we don't have another allybabe18 here ready to bolt for OM !!


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## bandit.45

jh52 said:


> Hope we don't have another allybabe18 here ready to bolt for OM !!


Or another Hunger. Remember that winner?


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## jh52

bandit.45 said:


> Or another Unsure. Remember that winner?


I wasn't here for the Unsure story but just read all 4 of her posts.

Wonder when her and OM started cheating on each other ??


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## bandit.45

jh52 said:


> I wasn't here for the Unsure story but just read all 4 of her posts.
> 
> Wonder when her and OM started cheating on each other ??


O hell... I meant Hunger! Dammit!  

Check out Hunger's threads.


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## TBT

bandit.45 said:


> O hell... I meant Hunger! Dammit!
> 
> Check out Hunger's threads.


She's probably still deciding.


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## bandit.45

TBT said:


> She's probably still deciding.


Yeah... I think Hunger keeps her husband chained to the radiator while she bangs the OM in front of him.


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## jh52

bandit.45 said:


> O hell... I meant Hunger! Dammit!
> 
> Check out Hunger's threads.


I do remember her --- said she will be back if her story ended happily. Guess it didn't !!


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## Headspin

ClearBlueSky said:


> Is it normal that I still have thoughts about the OM and how there are characteristics about him that I wish my husband would have? I have not contacted the OM or intend to ever but I wonder if this is normal and how I can overcome this. Any thoughts on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the trouble with the fog

The fog is an interesting phenomena 

How chemically it manages to change the perception one has of a person you have loved for years and years is truly a remarkable thing. And almost instantaneously too.

One fact about it is the ability to make a person wipe out all the good great things you have had with that person or it manages to minimalize those things. My wife still thinks in 15 years we "never did anything together as a couple" I "never did anything with the kids" (been a house husband for 8 years) etc etc

It really is staggering the shield of blindness that it brings down on to the ws head. 

The intensity and will of the brain to marginalize and justify a desired action scenario is quite miraculous in the case of the 'fog' 

I also am interested in this comparison thing ?

Can you remember all the things about your husband that made you want him and want to wake up with him when you ere 70and how tat as now changed ?

Did it change before the affair or suddenly intensify once you got underway?

How do you manage to put all the good things about your H out of your mind during this?


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## Initfortheduration

You are a child, with a child's idea of what love is.


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