# No ambition



## sir (Jun 4, 2014)

background:

I am 31 years old she is 28, this is my second marriage and we have been married for five years. We have a four year old child. 

I am a fairly successful person and very ambitious and goal driven, constantly working and trying to always improve my career and education to better my salary so that I can better provide for my family. She is the opposite, talks about wanting to better herself but in the seven years total that we have been together, she has only been employed 3 years, relying on me to pay all the bills so she could stay home with our child. (not that this is a bad thing, but it is the opposite of what we had discussed when first getting together) Now our child is old enough to go to school and she says she wants to finally start doing something to improve herself (something she has said before) but isn't doing anything to show that she is even trying to improve (not enrolling in school or looking for a better job). she constantly relies on the excuse that she doesn't know what she wants to do so she doesn't attempt anything or that she is scared to get out of her comfort zone.

we have been through infidelity, once with her seeing someone else and once with me seeing someone else. then there has been emotional infidelity, where she has had conversations with an ex boyfriend that went way further than conversations should go, but nothing physical came out of it. She says that she doesn't want anyone else and that it will never happen again. 

between the infidelity and the constant struggle of being the only person willing to work to provide for this family, I am thinking more and more about divorce. 

I guess I am just wondering if this is reason enough to call it quits or am I just stressed out and should give her a little more time to see if she will finally do something to show she is willing to change.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

It sounds as though this isnt a very strong marriage at all. You are considering divorce because she hasnt gone to work? Could there be something more that is bugging you?
You mentioned infidelity. Maybe that has broken a bound between the two of you making it easy for "little things" to become major problems for you.
Since she isnt working, is she taking care of the home? Do you need her to work to help with the bills?
You may find that her not working could be a good thing as she has more time to focus on your child, your home, and you. 
I'm not sure - maybe I am missing something here?


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I guess when you live through what I have lived through in my marriage, something like this seems very petty. Sorry, dont mean to judge.


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## sir (Jun 4, 2014)

the infidelity is a bad thing because for my job, there are times that I have to leave for weeks on end for my job. and it is hard to feel comfortable being away from home for a couple weeks when I don't fully trust the person that is back at home. 

and the lack of ambition is getting at me because we are supposed to be partners in life, not me taking care of everything and the wife just living at home not contributing. the thing that recently happened that brought all this to light and that I feel that she wont change is she just got her second dui, this one while she was on pills and drinking. she got arrested in my sons daycare parking lot. someone that is trying to better their life wouldn't do anything like that in my mind.


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## sir (Jun 4, 2014)

and to answer the question, I don't need her to work to pay bills, I make more than enough. but when we first got together she had talked all this stuff about goals and aspirations that she wanted to accomplish and now its seven years later and she has done nothing to work towards any of it. she has become a very dependant person on me and seems more than content to just live off of whatever I happen to do with my life. I understand that this doesn't sound like a bad deal for some, but I fell in love with the ambitious person, the person that had planned to do big things not just with me but on her own too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what happens when you talk to her about how you feel?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sir said:


> and to answer the question, I don't need her to work to pay bills, I make more than enough. but when we first got together she had talked all this stuff about goals and aspirations that she wanted to accomplish and now its seven years later and she has done nothing to work towards any of it. she has become a very dependant person on me and seems more than content to just live off of whatever I happen to do with my life.


Some people simply don't have drive or ambition.

It could be that she has become used to staying home and has zero desire to ever have a career or follow any goals she may have had.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sir said:


> she just got her second dui, this one while she was on pills and drinking. *she got arrested in my sons daycare parking lot. *someone that is trying to better their life wouldn't do anything like that in my mind.


Whoa. Was she dropping him off or picking him up?

So she doesn't work, doesn't contribute, gets smashed, has cheated repeatedly, doesn't have your son all day (hence, daycare), has no drive/ambition and you said "lives off you."

...

She needs help for her substance abuse problem. 
It is very scary to think she has your child whilel you are at work if this is what she does (gets smashed) while you are at work. Grossly negligent.


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## sir (Jun 4, 2014)

every time I bring up how I feel about all this, she is quick to get upset saying I am trying to push her into something she isn't ready for or that she can't do. she says she is to afraid to try anything because of my success in life, she is too afraid to mess up. but then she will calm down and say that she will try to do something with her life. months will go by and nothing will happen until the next time she does something stupid (dui, get caught talking to another ex) then we will repeat the process. 

my son was at daycare, she says she wasn't there to pick him up, that she was just pulling in to the parking lot and was going to sleep it off before picking my son up. I'm not sure that is fully believable. but according to the police report, she wasn't even able to stand she was so out of it, so I know the daycare wouldn't have let her leave with my son.

And I don't doubt that she has become used to living at home with no drive or ambition. But that is not what I signed on for. I signed on for having a 50/50 partner in life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts, then... Rather than starting with divorce, start with defining your boundaries and what's acceptable to you. Have that discussion with her, no matter how painful or dramatic it's gets. I'd suggest boundaries on counselling (individual for her, joint for both of you), drinking, and progress on her getting her time occupied productively. You've invested this much into the relationship; why not give her one last chance to be your partner?

Failing all that, I'd be concerns about the future for you and your child. You say you travel a lot, which means being the primary parent will be difficult. Yet your wife has proven to be unsuitable to be his caretaker either. How to you foresee this going, if you should split?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly, with two DUIs on her record it is going to be very difficult for her to even BE employable, at least for awhile. Any potential employer who does a background check will find out, and who wants to hire a potential substance-abuse employee when they have dozens of other viable candidates to choose from?

So let's see... infidelity? EAs? You can't trust her when you're out of town? Lack of ambition? Substance abuse?

Is this someone you really want to be married to?

P.S. Even if she did pull into the parking lot to "sleep it off", chances are she would still be loaded when it came to time to actually drive your child around. This demonstrates a complete lack of judgment and would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## Whome? (May 17, 2014)

Sounds like she needs help. Maybe professional for substance abuse. That would account for the lack of motivation. And why is your son in daycare if she's not working? That should be her job until she figures out what she wants to do. It is important she feels worthy. 

I can empathize with her though. I have been in that situation. Not knowing what career I want to have. Raising two kids and I just completed school at 47. Now I'm a Dental Assistant. Not sure it's for me but doing it for my husband so he gets off my back. 
I am proud that I did it but you know, now I get depressed,. I'm unmotivated to find a job and now I resent him. Doesn't feel great when your not doing it for yourself but trying to make someone else happy. 
Maybe look at whether her substance use is related to depression and hopelessness. 
Just a thought.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_ I think we need to address the substance abuse issue first, since this will affect your son, regardless if you stay or go. Next you need to quit worrying about her career, you have more important issues. There appears to be a parent child relationship and not one of equals. Couples therapy can assist you in this area. Be as goal orientated in repairing your marriage, as you are at work, it could work to save the relationship. Last but not least is show love and patience, this can be tough, but fruitful.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

What Pbear said--set boundaries and follow through. 

I let a similar situation linger for over a decade and regret it. As long as she can ride the gravy train, she will. 

It sounds like you make enough money for your family to live, as I do, but bottom line is that ten years of her slacking will basically be $500,000 less in pocket at retirement assuming she can get a career @ about $50k and saved half of it. Invested, and at 5% return, that added nest egg adds $2000/month to the monthly budget after retirement.


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