# When your wife talks not nice, how to respond



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.

(after setting the table per her request):
"You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
Me:
"I do care, but this is how I do it. If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself".

"I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!
Me:
"Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).

Did I do good?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Josh,
Was she looking for a chance to criticize you?

Or has she asked you a few times to set the table a certain way - and you are ignoring her?

Women are sometimes wired to care more about "how the house looks" then men.

If its easy to do her way AND she cares,, why would you choose this as an area to assert your right to be different?

Choose your battles.




joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
> 
> (after setting the table per her request):
> "You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Are you asking about a more "manning up" response to have josh, as in how to get her to address you respectfully, or just asking how to have more control in the conversation?


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Well, she is much more detail oriented then me. That's fine with me, as long as she doesn't expect me to become like her - but she does.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> "I do care, but this is how I do it. *If you don't like it, you can set it up yourself*".


Women generally hate this type of answer. It shows carelessness and indifference. 
Instead, you could have answered "If you don't like it, show me how to do it and I'll try to do my best". 



> "I can't even talk to you! *You are so stupid*"!


This is so disrespectful! 



> "Don't know about stupid, but I think you have a thing or two to learn about having normal conversation without yelling or cursing" (very calmly).


That's a very good answer. It shows maturity and it demands respect. 
Nor her reaction, nor yours were any better but the last one shows more personality.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Give her a Jane Austen Novel..perhaps , Persuasion..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife's works were not kind.

A simple "Please do not talk to me like that" will do.

If you know that there are things that she likes done a certain way, why not learn them. It's not hard to learn to set a table properly. I taught my kids. They learned at a young age.

Why not surprise her and learn how to do it. Some people find order in their life important. Setting a table 'right' has to do with this.

How To Properly Set Your Table | Home Made Simple

I get the impression that you do not care how the table is set and you will be darned if you will learn to please her. Not a very nice attitute.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You don’t let anyone talk to you like that. I’d have probably picked up my golf clubs and gone down the driving range for an hour or two and then have a pint on the way back home.

I once had the big boss bawl me out while driving into work in the morning. He rang, I picked up the phone and he just started bawling me out. When he finished I just told him I’m putting the phone down and I’ll speak with him when he’s in a reasonable frame of mind.

I didn’t know whether to carry on into work or take the morning off and have a game of golf and then go into work. I went to work and when he came in he came up and said something like “Bob you did exactly the right thing. Do it again if I’m ever that way with you again”.


You have to assert yourself or take yourself away from these bullying behaviours or she’ll just carry on bullying you. You teach people how to treat you. If they don't want to play ball with you, you take your ball away and go play somewhere else. She can't bully you if you're not there. Do it enough times and hopefully she'll get the point.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
> 
> (after setting the table per her request):
> "You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
> ...


You know, sometimes you need to be able to see around corners with these things. For example your wife could have totally set you up by asking you to do a job so that she can make out you got it wrong and then ball you out. That is, perhaps she wanted to ball you out, bully you and laying the table was her way of doing it. Her way of getting under your skin.

But what she did probably triggered your emotions which makes seeing around corners impossible. It’s why I recommend Awareness by Anthony de Mello. It’s your ego’s responses to your emotions that were triggered by your wife that you need to control. Your ego is exceptionally conscious, aware but you need a new type of awareness, observer consciousness, to be able to see around corners.


But no matter what, your wife is a bully, she really is an aggressive, bullying woman and you need to know how to deal with bullies. If you don’t deal with it, just like all bullies she will lose more and more respect for you until she has none left plus she will see you as a fool for not seeing through her behaviour.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Next time something similar happens think on it as a game, a game to enjoy. For example you could just decorate the table in say the shape of a bunch of flowers or whatever and walk away. You could say with a smile on your face, talk to me like that again and I’ll spank your bum.

You have to change her game, change the rules and make it your game. You also need to make it known that you know the game she is playing and “play” along with her. I think women both consciously and subconsciously get under a man’s skin, most especially their husband’s skin. They have all sorts of reasons for doing it, hormones, bad day with the kids, problems at work, financial worries all sorts of reasons.

When you recognise that she is doing it deliberately then you’ll handle the situations so very differently. But above all do not in anyway let her get away with bullying you because she will lose her respect for you (I think she already has) and she will come to see you (I think she already does) as a fool.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Ungratefullness and hateful words are 2 things I despise. They are totaly unecessary and unproductive. When I dealt with this as a young married (you know back in the cretaceous age) I said look I can't read minds so I do it the best way I know how and if I were you I would be thankfull for the 80% that was done right and just correct the 20 you think should be done different. Otherwise you find I got disheatened with trying to please you and just stop doing anything. Eventually I reverted to that briefly and she decided I was right. we have never had this prob again. and because she genuinely appreciates what I do I will bust my ass to help her. A little appreiciation goes a very long way with me.

If she wants something done differently all she has to do is nicely say honey will you do xyz this way. with that attitude I will do anything to please her but if she trys to bulldog me I will shut down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveIsEverything (Jul 18, 2012)

There is no good reason to tolerate disrespect from anyone. If you allow it to go on, her love feelings for you will wither and die, and they will be replaced by feelings of dismissive contempt.

You teach people how to treat you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I also think these things are indicative of something else, like a symptom of a deeper problem. For some reason she’s feeling hurt, maybe wounded and is taking her anger and dislike out on you by way of being aggressive with you, by trying to hurt you. And in that, just like a bully she has exceptionally poor pain and anger management processes.

Maybe next time something similar happens just walk away (from the table battle zone) and sit down somewhere comfortable where she can join you if she has the mind to. If she does ask in a very benign way “What’s the matter?”. If she responds with you never lay the table right or whatever say “No. What’s really the matter?”. What you are trying to do is to get her to open up with her problems in the same way a friend would.

She may well go into a total monologue for what seems like an eternity. What’s she’s doing is SHARING her problems with you. She does not want any solutions, she wants to share because for some reason when a woman shares her problems it is a great release to her. You will sit there thinking those problems still exist even though she’s shared them with you. You may never understand it, you don’t have to for it to work.

If she does start talking then you really have to change gear and drop all your natural, instinctually manly ways. For example (1) You NEVER interrupt not even to clarify a point, but you do nod and make noises like “hmmmm”, (2) You NEVER offer any solutions to the problems she’s articulating, (3) You NEVER yawn but you may break your jaw trying not to. You always look interested and involved.


If she gets kind of re-energised, stands up like a great weight has been lifted off her shoulders then it’s worked. You’ll be confused, don’t worry it’s normal. At the end ask her if she’d like a cup of tea, a glass of wine or something. If she comes on sexy with you then you’ll know it’s really worked.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If she wont open up, just go and play golf or something, go for a walk, do get out of the house.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thank you all for your reply.

To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something). And, I have no issue trying again next time. But this is not a way to speak. "I know you don't care" - well, if you know I don't care guess what, I am not going to care.

My wife constantly judges me because of my intentions. Most time she is just so off. She always seems to guess why I did this and why I did that. Never justyfing - maybe I was tired, maybe whatever. Always it's because I am careless or something like that.

Me, on the other hand, try never to judge her. No dinner? Okay, she had a hard day. Etc.

AFEH:

As always you have great points. If you follow my posts, she does indeed have some anger managements issue. And she is aware of it. Except, at the begninning of our marriage I used to be a nice guy and just apologize whenever she has one of those anger attacks, but not anymore.

I believe that no one can help her with her anger unless she decides to seek help.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife needs to learn to respect you. Calling you stupid is uncalled for and disrespectful.

The table issue is simply silly. If she wanted it set a certain way, she should set it. I agree with you on this. My husband and I have the same attitude/views on things. Neither of us set a table. We dish up the food, then hand you the fork or spoon. Or bring it on the plate. We are very laid back and informal here. We eat at the table every time as a family. I grew up eating in front of the tv.:/

My husband and I are both patient. He is more patient then I, but his calmness wears off. Even the dogs pick up on his calm energy. 

I try to please my husband visa versa, but not by setting a table every night. We both have our faults and we both accept these faults gracefully.

You responded very well to her.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Thank you all for your reply.
> 
> To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something). And, I have no issue trying again next time. But this is not a way to speak. "I know you don't care" - well, if you know I don't care guess what, I am not going to care.
> 
> ...


THAT is what I would have been pizzed about too. 
dont assume what I care about, and don't judge me based on how you think.

Have you ever told her this? 

Does she really truly just think she thinks for you, or is it just a habit after a long time of saying those things? 

Firstly, the word stupid sets me off. End of conversation. Politely disengage. I'm not good at that though. Things rattle when I put them down. See ya later. 

Eventually I was able to just SAY "I'll just ignore the comment about what I care about, since you don't really know and don't think for me. But if this is really about how important to you it is to have the laundry folded a certain way, then I'll explain something. Stupid doesn't motivate me. Neither does having shirts folded in perfect sections. I care about YOU, but I don't care about how the laundry is folded. If you are more concerned about THAT than being respectful to me, then you are free to sleep in the laundry room"


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

You have to push back on the disrespect - in the moment or very soon thereafter (I like AFEH's approach). If you are conflict avoident it will be exceedingly difficult. She will most likely turn the tables on you, by telling you that you "don't get it," "you are not someone she can trust" etc., etc., all because you can't set a table. 

She will continue to lose respect for you if you do not push back. No one should be able to talk to you like that - especially your wife.

The problem you have is that she is immature and has very serious issues. it is difficult to try get someone like that to see the light and understand that her behavior is damaging to the relationship, to you as a person and to her as well.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Bigrascal said:


> You have to push back on the disrespect - in the moment or very soon thereafter (I like AFEH's approach). If you are conflict avoident it will be exceedingly difficult. She will most likely turn the tables on you, by telling you that you "don't get it," "you are not someone she can trust" etc., etc., all because you can't set a table.
> 
> She will continue to lose respect for you if you do not push back. No one should be able to talk to you like that - especially your wife.
> 
> The problem you have is that she is immature and has very serious issues. it is difficult to try get someone like that to see the light and understand that her behavior is damaging to the relationship, to you as a person and to her as well.


I know that. That's why I responded the way I did. I was wondering if that was enough.

Lately, whenever she speaks in a disrespectful way (or sarcastic) I avoid even responding. I am planning to tell her soon "do you realize I don't even respond when you talk that way?"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
> 
> (after setting the table per her request):
> "You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
> ...




wow I don't care what the issue is. calling your husband stupid just shouldn't fly!

right after she called you stupid I would have put her in her place.... you don't have to scream and yell to do that just say I'm your husband and your calling me names is just not going to fly or pretty soon I won't be your husband... and by the way don't ever ask me to set the table again!


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

I think it's a good start. I guess the ultimate measure of if it was enough is if she stops being disrespectful. 

The tendency for some of us is to not want to incite more conflict - maintain some harmony. Your response seems to have accomplished that and also accomplished pushing back.

I would argue, though, that her comment is so damaging to your self esteem and the relationship that a full on confrontation with her about her behavior is necessary (something along the lines of what AFEH suggested).

I remember your popsicle post from some time ago. Is she getting better? Has there been progress?


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## MAP (Dec 18, 2011)

I maybe repeating what others have written, but I suggest you buy and read Athol Kay's book Married Man Sex Life Primer. His blog and forum are also excellent sources for info on these types of "fitness testing" or "**** testing."

As usual, I also see the wisdom in what MEM11363 wrote.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

calls you stupid

divorce

lol

really why marry someone who disrespects you? 

When i come to this site i really question the world


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

In times like this..the best response is no response. Bite your tongue and walk away!


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

I give all of you credit who offer reasonable, psychologically correct advice. 'Cause I know if my spouse looked right at me and said, "You're so stupid!" I'd retort, "You know, you're right, I am. I married you." And out the door I'd go. There are somethings that are simply uncalled for [unless, maybe you were trying to heat the kitchen by putting kerosene on the stove...then she might have a case.  ]


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Thank you all for your reply.
> 
> To the ladies I will say this: you seem not to get the issue. I have no problem to admit that I am not the greatest detail oriented person (btw, when we talk about "not setting up the table right" it's all about the placing of the plates a bit too far from the edge of the table! Not putting forks on top of spoons or something).
> 
> ...


Not one woman here said that your wife was in the right with the way she speaks to you. 

However you did not give the detail that you gave above…. That she was upset about the plates being too far from the edge of the table.

Nor in your first post do you say that she is always judges your intentions, and that this is what bothered you. 

Your response to her did not even mention her judging you but instead her yelling and cursing. Have you told her directly that the judging of you is an issue?

Sometimes the details are important.

Sometimes people have legitimate complaints but do not express themselves well. We do not know if your wife had a legitimate complaint or not. We do know that her way of speaking to you is wrong. 

But we have no way of knowing if you are driving her nuts because of some of the things you do or do not do. And now she’s lost her cool over it.

So looking at your own behavior and anything you can change/do might not be all bad. I’m not suggesting walking on egg shells… instead on a reasonable look at oneself.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.

The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.
> 
> The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. *And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. *It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.


That's what I said in my previous post. The way she decided to let you know that you were not doing it right way very disrespectful and immature. 

Before she criticizes you she better watch out her language!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Not so true, miss. Read again my first post. If someone - anyone - is telling you that "they KNOW you do it this way because you don't care", that's called very much judging by intention. And if, when I also mention that she calls me stupid, it doesn't ring a warning bell by you, you totally missed the point.
> 
> The reason why the "ladies" reaction got me angry it's because my wife would react the same way. And yes, even if I do something wrong, how you correct me would do all the difference. It's too sad some people still refuse to accept that.


I also don't recall taking your wife's side. Not all women treat their husbands in such a manner. I have the upmost respect for my husband. I would never in my life belittle anything he says or does. In fact I look up to him and I adore him. Just sayin.....


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
> 
> (after setting the table per her request):
> "You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
> ...


With my wife and I our conversations do start out like that a lot of times and I try really really hard to show restrain, but then after like 15 minutes of it my head finally pops off and it then turns into an all out shouting and cursing match back and forth! And the things we yell at each other would make an entire biker bar blush!


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I was responding to elegirl who basically said that I was missing some details. Yes, I was - but my post was clear enough to understand our situation.

Anyways, thank you for clarifying - I am sure many many wives are talking in a respectful way to their husbands - and many husbands are indeed a$$holes. So that's that.

Cee Paul: your mistake is that you let a 15 minutes conversation to go on like that! As soon as she uses such a language, just disengage! Say "I am sorry but I am not interested in this kind of conversation. If you are willing to have a normal talk, without just accusing me or calling me names, you are welcome to."


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I was responding to elegirl who basically said that I was missing some details. Yes, I was - but my post was clear enough to understand our situation.
> 
> Anyways, thank you for clarifying - I am sure many many wives are talking in a respectful way to their husbands - and many husbands are indeed a$$holes. So that's that.
> 
> Cee Paul: your mistake is that you let a 15 minutes conversation to go on like that! As soon as she uses such a language, just disengage! Say "I am sorry but I am not interested in this kind of conversation. If you are willing to have a normal talk, without just accusing me or calling me names, you are welcome to."


On my part Josh I have anger issues that I need help for, and on her part in the whole thing she knows this and continues to feed the fire like some sick fetish.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> On my part Josh I have anger issues that I need help for, and on her part in the whole thing she knows this and continues to feed the fire like some sick fetish.


Not really!

If you don't know how to control your emotions, how can you blame her for not controlling her? Why do you except her to do what you can't?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Okay, so I am learning to control my emotions and not yell back. I need some good advice.
> 
> (after setting the table per her request):
> "You don't set it right! It bothers me because I know that you don't care."
> ...


I'll be damned if i'll allow any woman to call me stupid like that... I would just reply that this is the last time she is going to utter that word regarding my person or she will be needing a new partner the next minute. There is absolutely no reason for a person to be treated like this. 

If she ain't happy about the freakin tableware then she can do it herself. 

I mean, it's alright to call names while in a context of a joke "Oh you big stupid you..." But this wasn't it.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> Not really!
> 
> If you don't know how to control your emotions, how can you blame her for not controlling her? Why do you except her to do what you can't?


Usually 99% of the time I am a _reactor_ to things and then blow my top, but it's never usually in an unprovoked situation.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I can't even talk to you! You are so stupid"!


The first time a woman calls me "stupid" is the last. That will bring down the wrath of a seriously pizzed off man on her like nothing else short of an affair will.

No, IMO, you did not do good. The conversation, when she called you "stupid" should have ended there with you walking out the door, and not have continued until she was crying at the doorstep of whatever place you chose to spend the night at.

NEVER tolerate such insults. Be you a man or woman. Never.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

donny64 said:


> The first time a woman calls me "stupid" is the last. That will bring down the wrath of a seriously pizzed off man on her like nothing else short of an affair will.
> 
> No, IMO, you did not do good. The conversation, when she called you "stupid" should have ended there with you walking out the door, and not have continued until she was crying at the doorstep of whatever place you chose to spend the night at.
> 
> NEVER tolerate such insults. Be you a man or woman. Never.


Shoot my wife has called me much worse than that and vice versa!


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