# From Separation to Divorce....at a loss



## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm at a total loss today as I've basically seen the towel be thrown in by my WAW. She first opened up to me in October and we started seeing a therapist with no real results. We parked our stuff as her parents (step-dad and mom) are now going through divorce after 30/+ years of marriage, but then started it back up in Mid-Feb. I think the downtime really put a lot more distance between us.

She ran away for two nights (going to work and then staying at her sisters and cousins) only to come back crying and thanking me for not leaving and not giving up. Six days later she asked for separation and we've divided time at home with the kids since then (on our 4th week). We started seeing a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist last week and had Retrouvaille scheduled for this weekend. Last night she backed out of Retro and said we should consider seeing our LMFT to help get through closure and to ensure we can work with each other and be friends for the kids. She cried talking about her own parent's fighting, etc. and I know this is real pain for her she doesn't want our kids to experience.....however....

I totally know where this is going and that she has no interest in trying to work on things at all, which is beyond all of my comprehension and feelings inside. I was accepting of her decision last night, but that didn't carry through this morning. I ran over to the house to drop off some stuff and had to vent like never before. I know this did not do anything to help us, but after hearing we're heading for closure I did not think it hurt anything. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I don't believe I would have been able to sleep without venting my issue and just walking away.

With venting, I can move forward regardless of how painful this process is, but I'm the typical nice guy who never says anything and it was about time I did. I just want to love my beautiful daughter and son like I never have and give them everything I can. 

Having read through most of Gottman's 7 principles I see my WAW re-writing everything we've been through to only see the bad, the hurt, the loneliness while I was too busy to notice at work. There is no doubt in my mind she went through this and I do see and recognize the pain and have apologized acknowledging my depression that I didn't recognize until I started processing everything. So now that I have all the information necessary to make a successful marriage, she just walks. She told me it was unfair for her to not tell me all along and be in this position and that she's sorry. She believes that the kids having a better her for 50% of the time is better than where she is now 100% of the time.

I know she's hurting and I'm not trying to rush reconciliation, but I just firmly believe that right now is not the time to divide everything up and sign the papers. Trying to accept that this is where we are is insanely hard. I've been reading TAM since October and have seen so many similar stories. I guess I really need to listen to the fact that I can't believe anything she says and trust only 50% of what she does. 

I could ramble on and on, but I'm going to organize my financial information now so I can be most prepared for what lies ahead.... (pun intended)


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Im sorry your going through this, It is a very difficult, confusing and emotional time. I guess I wouldnt beat yourself up to much about your confronting her with your emotions. It was what you felt! Your hurt and your marriage is ending and you dont know why. You have every right to vent.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks... I do understand why we are at this point and am ready, willing and able to correct the things I need to and those things I plan on correcting whether we are together or not. What is just so baffling is that she has given up everything to be there for the kids, but now that there is an opportunity to make this marriage better for both of us and the kids she walks without an attempt. I don't know that I'll ever understand it, but I know I'm not the only one who has seen this. 

How to disconnect from all this......


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Ugh... tell me about it.... I have no answers for you there...I’ll get Conrad for you he’s good for the advice on disconnecting.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Before anyone here can tell you what to do, we need a bit more information.

1) How long have you been married?

2) What's the history of the relationship?

3) How does she behave while using the computer, phone, texting, IM, etc.?


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Ugh... tell me about it.... I have no answers for you there...I’ll get Conrad for you he’s good for the advice on disconnecting.


TTFTO - sorry you are here but this is a good place for support.

DYC - you are making me laugh with your referrals to Conrad! Are you getting some kind of commission from him now?


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

soca70 said:


> TTFTO - sorry you are here but this is a good place for support.
> 
> DYC - you are making me laugh with your referrals to Conrad! Are you getting some kind of commission from him now?


 Well isn’t he a staple and he and a few others tell it like it is: Sense this is a gentleman struggling with disconnecting he was my first thought. But I’m kind of laughing at myself now.

TTFTO: didn’t mean to hand you off like that, hope you understand.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad:

Before anyone here can tell you what to do, we need a bit more information.

1) How long have you been married? 12 years

2) What's the history of the relationship? Together 13 married 12 two children 9 and 6; The deterioration came about through both of us and we've both owned up to me: depression, workaholic; her - stay at home mom who's just going back to work; mom & step-dad are going through a divorce right now; sister divorced two years ago; she feels like she's given up her identity and wants it back and who gets to lose because of that....the kids she loves so dearly....I'm taking me out of that equation as my form of starting detatchment

3) How does she behave while using the computer, phone, texting, IM, etc.? She is open to me looking through her phone, emails, FB account....I have all passwords, etc. I know this doesn't seal up any chances of a potential OM, but she has not hid around me.....just never told me how and why she was unhappy until now and SEE YA

After venting yesterday, today is a better morning and it's time to get busy with all our accounts, bills, etc. as I think this things going to take legs soon. Your support and comments are truly appreciated.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Put a voice activated recorder under her car seat - just to be certain.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Doureallycare2 - No apologies necessary for the handoff. Appreciate it.


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## Trying to figure this out (Feb 23, 2013)

Past the VAR....suggestions on detachment....reference to other threads is fine if you have some to recommend....


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