# How to cut this "EA"



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Let me use my preferred outline form to summarize a long-winded scenario.

(1) I have always had problems in my marriage, but I never stopped working on it. In short, DH is not very sensitive about emotional needs. It used to be a lot worse because he constantly criticized me. Since I decided it needed to be fixed and moved out several years ago, that issue has gotten much better. 

(2) There are also sex issues. I am the HD, he is not exactly LD but I don't get lots of satisfaction. 

(3) Due to our wish to educate our younger kid overseas (won't elaborate here), we started taking turns staying with him in Asia this semester. At first we were not sure if he would adjust. Now it's apparent he's doing very well and having a great time. Unfortunately, I cannot just pack all my belongings up since I still have a clinic (I'm a physician). I have told DH to sell the clinic for years, but this year partners quit and now that's not possible. 

(4) So basically we go to Asai and "swap", staying for about a month each time. DH is the manager and finds coverage for me while I'm away. 

(5) Enough of that background info. I had reconnected with some long-lost classmates a year back on FB. Very excited since I left my country for States when I was young. All the talks on FB were purely friendly. 

(6) Now, back in Asia, we had a bunch of reunions. 2 of my classmates are men and one of them, L, is divorced. He turns out to be a very considerate man with no kids. One day I got deadly sick and simply said "feel weak" on FB. L messaged and said he wanted to bring medicine and food. I thought he was joking for sure. Well, he insisted. It's true this is not So Cal and the city is compact, so I finally gave in and told him the address. He dropped off the stuff and took off in no time, refusing my (completely innocent) invitation to come up (everyone lives in apartments). 

(7) He would message daily asking if I was recovering and sending some jokes. Then we started talking about movies, books, blah. Well, just like any bad story, we have very similar tastes and have a great time laughing together. 

(8) He told me a lot about his divorce and the women he went out with after that. He never ever implied any "affection", whatever you wanna call it, but he describes me as "special" and said he dreamed of me.

(9) I don't even know when, but I began to feel like a 15-yr-old girl in a purple haze head over heels. I said "this is ridiculous" and stopped FB. Unfortunately he lined me (that's the Asian app), and I was like....he didn't do anything wrong....I can't do that to a friend. So we were talking again. 

(10) I asked myself "if this if just you going crazy, that's not even an EA", and I have the strongest urge to find out how he feels, knowing it's completely DUMB because it doesn't make a #@%^#& difference how he feels. 

(11) But it matters to my heart, I guess, in my purple haze. When I was about to come back to States he wrote "please come back soon". I started feeling miserable to the Nth back home. He continued to message me daily. Couple days ago, he was talking about Japan. I just couldn't help blurting out "I gotta take you around" since he had only been to one city. (I'm a Jap nut and have been everywhere). Immediately there was an enthusiastic "we should go together". I was like oh man. 

(12) BTW, for all the potential cynics (sorry, I have just seen so many people attacking any potential EA/PA doer with light speed), I have not hidden anything from DH (to the extent I don't hurt him by exactly telling him how much I feel for this guy, but I was honest about this guy being "too caring" and it's "not good" and I am "dealing with it".) 

(13) I have just cut FB again. He cannot line me since line is hooked to the cellphone which is left in Asia (in fact, in my DH's hand )

OK, done. I need some constructive advice, please. I know I would be going back to Asia after winder holidays. Don't know if I can just bury my head in the sand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please add some paragraphs (white spaces) so your wall of text is easier to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cut the EA by just telling L that you cannot continue with this friendship because you are married. Ask him to not contact you again.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You cut it by focusing on the marriage and ignoring the guy. If he pesters you to respond have your H respond. 

Your desire to explore outside relationships will continue until you fix and come to terms in your marriage. 

Now this means actually working in the marriage. Not just accepting the current status. If you both agree that you need different things out of life and are not willing to meet in the middle, then end the marriage. 

End it clean, well before taking this guy for a test drive.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You cut the EA by just telling L that you cannot continue with this friendship because you are married. Ask him to not contact you again.


I understand where you are coming from. But I cannot possibly do that. If I were to really tell him to not contact me, it would not be "because I am married". The other male classmate jokes with me (of course he doesn't message me daily), and I have no problems with that. 

So, if I were to do it, I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship and that is why. However, I am just not sure if that is exactly the right thing to do right now. 

After more than 30 years of separation, reconnecting with old friends (there are many women too) has meant a lot to me. If people want to say this sounds like an excuse, sure, but before I went to Asia all our conversations were purely friendly, and they gave me a lot of bright moments in my life. That is why I posted here, I guess partly "venting". Rationally, it would be so easy to just "do what's right". 

And I know people would say things like if I want to test drive I need to divorce first. I fully understand the cake theory.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Your desire to explore outside relationships will continue until you fix and come to terms in your marriage.
> 
> .


Fully aware of that. In fact was doing everything I could in that respect about 3 years ago, and just when we made some progress my father passed away. I have never recovered from that and all my efforts halted. Just earlier this year I began to realize that when DH was taking a bunch of solo trips. Oh, not saying there's anything wrong with solo trips. It's just we had come to be too "individual" again. I sat him down to have some talks. Then this new arrangement thing happened.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> So, if I were to do it, *I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship and that is why*. However, I am just not sure if that is exactly the right thing to do right now.


DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell him that. It is obvious that he wants something more than simple friendship and you telling him that will only encourage him to turn up the heat. Not to mention, he may be "one French fry away from a happy meal" and your 15 year old girl purple haze may end up causing you a world of pain.

Avoid replying back to him on a daily basis and when you do tell him that you have been very busy with family related stuff. Make all conversations as short as possible.

Play with fire and you'll get burned.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

chaos said:


> DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell him that. It is obvious that he wants something more than simple friendship and you telling him that will only encourage him to turn up the heat. Not to mention, he may be "one French fry away from a happy meal" and your 15 year old girl purple haze may end up causing you a world of pain.
> 
> Avoid replying back to him on a daily basis and when you do tell him that you have been very busy with family related stuff. Make all conversations as short as possible.
> 
> Play with fire and you'll get burned.


Well, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I was only saying I cannot use the "sorry, I'm married" excuse to cut a male friendship. 

Oh, I know how much pain it can cause, trust me. I've been burnt before.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What are these "feelings" that you have for your friend and do they overide the feelings you have for your husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have the feeling you are going to carry on and on until you break your husband's heart and the heart of your son.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

You're justifying your actions and rationalizing your way into breaking the rest of your broken marriage.

I can promise you that because I am where you will be but with a lot less communication with anyone...my "anyone" is also an old friend...they are often "old friends" and then become new lovers. The excitement will take you there as you continue to justify and rationalize it.

I have a clinic and even though I can still keep things going, the business side and to a degree the quality of care likely has suffered some in the process. 

You need to think of the rest of your son's life. You are obviously trying to give him the best one possible, don't blow it now by adding a layer of hurt and confusion about the two people he loves and trusts most.

For me, I never did cross a line with my old friend/ old gf. We spoke/texted maybe 7-8 times over my 3.5 year marriage and nothing but encouraging messages but it ended up playing a large part in where I am now...back at my parents house seeing my son 3.5 days a week and rarely seeing my step daughtees because of the trust issues and gradual erosion of my marriage. I'd trade it all over for another chance not to go down this road.

You don't want to be where I, and a lot of others that come to this site, have found ourselves.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Well, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. I was only saying I cannot use the "sorry, I'm married" excuse to cut a male friendship.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, I know how much pain it can cause, trust me. I've been burnt before.



Why not? 

If you really insist not to, then just ignore him, or take a week to reply. If possible have your husband reply or be involved in the conversation. Make your husbands presence felt. This guy is less likely to push your boundaries if he sees your husband at your side.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

I got matt exact feeling this is will end when your husband find out and get heartbroken , and please if he find out don't use the excuse I don't get lots of satisfaction sexualy with you as you said in excuse number 2)... your EA had nothing to do with him


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Cut all contact completely. Send him a message that in respect for your marriage you can no longer speak with him and under no circumstances should he contact you. Any attempt to do so is blatant disrespect for your wishes. 

Then block all means of communication with him, and stay NC. It really is that simple. It may hurt for a bit, but you'll get over it, believe me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You cut the EA by just telling L that you cannot continue with this friendship because you are married. Ask him to not contact you again.


Perfect advice. Doesn't get any simpler than that.

And after you tell him the above, you actually FOLLOW THROUGH with it. Cut all contact. And get your head focused on something else besides thinking about him all day.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Btw, just "cutting him off" from Facebook isn't a solution. It'll just start right back up when you get back to Asia.

You need to tell him LOUD & CLEAR, in no uncertain terms, that you cannot continue communicating with him because it is undermining your marriage.

(And no, you're NOT going to "take him around" Japan showing him all the great spots... that's a recipe for ending up in bed with him after consuming sake on your sightseeing tour...)

One last thought to "get over" him... the guy knows you're married. He's a real schmuck to pursue a married woman. Think of him as a nefarious home-wrecker, rather than the jovial "friend" he's pretending to be. People who truly care about you don't bust up your marriage.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Please stop playing with fire.

You get burned and your H and your kiddo gets hurt.

Stop being selfish. Open up to your H. The "friend" really wants to have sex with you. He is not your friend.

You have excellent advice. You must stop all contact now.

sometimes burns heal, but leave deep scars. Your H will have long deep scars.

Would you like it if he was doing what you are doing?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> I understand where you are coming from. But I cannot possibly do that. If I were to really tell him to not contact me, it would not be "because I am married". The other male classmate jokes with me (of course he doesn't message me daily), and I have no problems with that.
> 
> So, if I were to do it, I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship and that is why. However, I am just not sure if that is exactly the right thing to do right now.


You already crossed the line and now your trying to justify why you need to keep in contact. If you do not stop then your marriage is over with. Your already giving someone else your love and attention. Do the right thing. Since you do not want to cut contact with the OM just tell your husband the truth. You have feelings for this OM and you have no intention of stopping contact with him. Let your Husband have a say what goes on in his life to so he not wasting it with someone who clearly is no longer worth his time.

Clay


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> So, if I were to do it, *I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship* and that is why. However, I am just not sure if that is exactly the right thing to do right now.


Holy smokes, OP... can you _really_ believe this is a good idea?!?!

This is the CLASSIC opening line for an affair. Once you admit you have "feelings" (more likely lust) for him, then as far as he's concerned it's *Game On!!!*

Now he KNOWS his plotting and scheming (bringing you chicken soup when you're sick, "innocently" turning down your invitation to come up to your apartment, friendly FB chats, etc) has worked... next it's a matter of getting together to "discuss" your feelings, and before you know it, it's sake and bed in Japan.

*sigh*...


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I do understand I am the one that posted for advice, and I did expect to pretty much see "cut all contact" as the advice, no surprise. I appreciate responses. 

Just to make it clearer, if anyone is trying to get anyone into bed, it's the other way around. I am dreaming and fantasizing about this guy and he has done nothing blatant to do so. If it was just bed, there are PLENTY of younger single women. Yeah someone would probably say he finds it exciting to be with a married woman. That's just not the case. He has crossed the line by being too emotionally close with a married woman, but not because he's trying to get me in bed. 

Very healthy marriages do not give chance to EA's. This is a perfect example. Years of just talking to DH about kids and work has left many holes in my life. When I meet someone whom I can talk to about novels, movies, music, blah blah blah, it becomes a boring Romance story. Why don't I work on my patching the holes instead? Oh I did, and I still am. DH knows. For everyone that's feeling sorry for my H, you have not seen me put down by his belittling remarks, "chasing" him when we walk on the street (my H never hugs, holds hands, he always walks 10 steps too fast), him telling me I get colds because I don't know when to put on a jacket, etc. H is a good person that's too stingy with any show of affection, and the killer is how stubborn he is about that despite all efforts of communication. 

The above paragraph is not "excuses", none of that makes wrong right. But this world is full of EA's, PA's, and many times there are "causes". Relatively fewer women jump into bed just to have great sex, it's more this crappy but still existent "emotional" deal. 



Tobyboy said:


> What are these "feelings" that you have for your friend and do they overide the feelings you have for your husband?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The feelings are 
(1) I have not felt this way probably since high school, amazing, it's an overpowering teenager kind of infatuation
(2) No lie I would love to get in bed with him, because I know it would be good, in the sense that he would at least listen to me. One big problem with DH is he would not listen. I am very slow to warm up despite being HD. Especially when we have been separated for a while, I always tell H to take it slow (as to tease me) so I can reach the height with him. He never does and it always ends too quickly, so I never get an O with him
(3) A warm feeling that this guy appreciates me, for being the encyclopedia I am, knowing all kinds of useless stuff, instead of just giving me endless instructions on life tasks. 

Do they override the feelings I have for my H? That's difficult to answer. In my life, every time I get "turned down" by my H in various ways, I feel a little lonely and cold, and that's tolerable until someone else showed up (never thought it would happen at this age). H and I have been thru so much I actually know I have all the feelings for him still.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

You're just making excuses all over creation. I'm probably wrong, but based on what YOU said, your marriage is unfulfilling, your husband is unresponsive, you have a high sex drive and hubby doesn't, and you've "rediscovered" your old friends in Asia. I can't really foretell the future, but it sounds very much like you'd just love to move this from a "harmless" EA into a full-on PA. Sounds like your marriage is pretty well shot anyway, so, what the heck, go for it. I'm sure your "friend" would just love it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> Just to make it clearer, if anyone is trying to get anyone into bed, it's the other way around. I am dreaming and fantasizing about this guy and *he has done nothing blatant to do so.*


Oh come on, jennifer. You can't be _serious?!?!_

He has done _nothing?_

You are obviously very naive (I'm not name-calling, just pointing out your point-of-view) in the ways of *players.* Their skills are finely honed, polished, impeccable, smooth, in the ways of luring women in without the women realizing what is happening!

How can you possibly know what's in HIS head? How do you know he hasn't already made love to you a thousand times IN HIS HEAD?!?!

That's why "players" are the worst. You assign all innocence to him while blaming yourself, when really he is just biding his time for the moment to strike. You assume he is all "good" and "well-intentioned" -- I call BS!!! If he was really all THAT, he would have called your HUSBAND when you were sick, said "I'm worried that jennifer isn't feeling well, please check on her." Did he do that? NO! Instead he brought you a meal (setting you up) and now is ready to run off to Japan with you and bed you.

*sigh (again)*...


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

She's made up her mind, Happy. Nothing anyone can say on TAM is going to change it. Good luck to her husband.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

thummper said:


> She's made up her mind, Happy. Nothing anyone can say on TAM is going to change it. Good luck to her husband.


Spot-on thummper...

She's going to begin this affair come H*ll or High Water. She's just looking to justify it 

Another marriage may be just about to bite the dust....


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Spot-on thummper...
> 
> She's going to begin this affair come H*ll or High Water. She's just looking to justify it
> 
> *Another marriage may be just about to bite the dust....*




I think that became pretty obvious when she gushed about how she hasn't felt this way since high school and that she'd like to be in bed with him because it would be good. Lost cause. She's already gone, just hasn't made it back to Asia yet.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP, your situation is not unique. You are already well along the affair continuum. A's don't always happen overnight; and in most cases the participants start out thinking much like you do.

Then something happens to speed it along. Disagreements or resentfulness with a spouse - or any other reason that causes a period of vulnerability. For every day that you allow this to continue, the chances this EA turns into a PA increase. Like a pendulum, the emotional energy you spend on this OM, takes away the same amount from your marriage.

I understand you not wanting to be too abrupt with your no-contact demand. You don't have to.

Tell him that you've allowed this friendship to get too personal and that you apologize for that; but that you feel it must end for the sake of your marriage. Thank you for all your support but I must ask you not to contact me again. I wish you well.

Then; and this is the most important part - *DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH THE OM AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU'RE MARRIED. NO MATTER WHAT.*

Give your marriage a chance. If it doesn't work out, divorce first, before you pursue this or any other OM.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> I do understand I am the one that posted for advice, and I did expect to pretty much see "cut all contact" as the advice, no surprise. I appreciate responses.
> 
> Just to make it clearer, if anyone is trying to get anyone into bed, it's the other way around. I am dreaming and fantasizing about this guy and he has done nothing blatant to do so. If it was just bed, there are PLENTY of younger single women. Yeah someone would probably say he finds it exciting to be with a married woman. That's just not the case. He has crossed the line by being too emotionally close with a married woman, but not because he's trying to get me in bed.
> 
> ...


LOL! You aren't ready to push an EA further...You are ready for a divorce. Just DO it and cut all the bulls**t...Yawn already! You ain't no lil baby...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

badmemory said:


> OP, your situation is not unique. You are already well along the affair continuum. A's don't always happen overnight; and in most cases the participants start out thinking much like you do.
> 
> Then something happens to speed it along. Disagreements or resentfulness with a spouse - or any other reason that causes a period of vulnerability. For every day that you allow this to continue, the chances this EA turns into a PA increase. Like a pendulum, the emotional energy you spend on this OM, takes away the same amount from your marriage.
> 
> ...


^ ^ ^

Ok. THIS. THIS!!

badmemory... this should be a STICKY!!! I love your reference to the "affair continuum." I've never heard it put quite that way, but it's SOOOOOO true.

At every step along the way, there is a point to "jump off the train." But as people get swallowed up in their justifications and "the fog" it all makes perfect, logical sense to them ("I'm unhappy, my spouse is an uncaring jerk, I DESERVE this.")

jennifer... be "the one" who doesn't get sucked in. The one who realizes that she needs to make a decision about her marriage before she runs off to Japan.

P.S. I am not judging you; just want you to realize what's at stake here. I have been blasted by MANY TAMers for my own decisions (you can read my thread in my signature line -- I posted it there because I'm not running or hiding from anything). Be smart, and treat your husband well and with fairness.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Tell him that you've allowed this friendship to get too personal and that you apologize for that; but that you feel it must end for the sake of your marriage. Thank you for all your support but I must ask you not to contact me again. I wish you well.
> 
> Then; and this is the most important part - *DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH THE OM AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU'RE MARRIED. NO MATTER WHAT.*
> 
> Give your marriage a chance. If it doesn't work out, divorce first, before you pursue this or any other OM.


Thanks, I like the wording. 

As to all people who are screaming I am a lost cause---the state I'm in mentally now is definitely a lost cause. What I would do about it is the part that matters. 

Naive---hmmm, I wouldn't use that word. I am a little less naive than it might appear. 

Regarding the sex part--not interested in linking my past posts, but DH has actually repeatedly told me to go seek it "somewhere else", but without emotional attachment. (Wish I could do that)


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, after a bunch of long words the discussion boils down to:

I can't be with you because I have feelings and I am married.
I can't be with you because I am married.

Are you really trying to argue one of those is more honest than the other? REALLY?

I do want to point something out I found interesting. You talk about honesty, but:



> (12) BTW, for all the potential cynics (sorry, I have just seen so many people attacking any potential EA/PA doer with light speed), *I have not hidden anything from DH (to the extent I don't hurt him by exactly telling him how much I feel for this guy,* but I was honest about this guy being "too caring" and it's "not good" and I am "dealing with it".)





> The feelings are
> (1) I have not felt this way probably since high school, amazing, it's an overpowering teenager kind of infatuation
> (2) No lie I would love to get in bed with him, because I know it would be good, in the sense that he would at least listen to me. One big problem with DH is he would not listen. I am very slow to warm up despite being HD. Especially when we have been separated for a while, I always tell H to take it slow (as to tease me) so I can reach the height with him. He never does and it always ends too quickly, so I never get an O with him
> (3) A warm feeling that this guy appreciates me, for being the encyclopedia I am, knowing all kinds of useless stuff, instead of just giving me endless instructions on life tasks.





> So, if I were to do it, I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship and that is why.


So, he gets more honesty than your husband. Also, the fact you keep slamming your husband is scary. End it with the other man or leave your husband if he is so terrible.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> Regarding the sex part--not interested in linking my past posts, but *DH has actually repeatedly told me to go seek it "somewhere else", but without emotional attachment.* (Wish I could do that)


You and I were cross-posting at the same time. I hope you go back and read my last post .

As for seeking it "somewhere else" with your husband's "blessing"... then go right ahead! But I'm sure you can't fulfill the "without emotional attachment" part. *You're already falling in love* with this player-weasel-"steal another-man's wife" schmuck. Good luck keeping the emotional part out of it. You already want to show him "YOUR" Japan... not the touristy spots, but the spots that mean something to YOU. And he wants to take you up on it. Because he wants to BED you.

I guarantee -- AFTER the fact -- your husband will have a whole different opinion about you, his love for you, his cherishing you, his feelings for you.

But GO FOR IT!! You're horny, your husband can't meet your sexual needs, you're with a stranger in a strange land (who would even KNOW, right?!)... you know how this all ends. This drivel has been played out in Hollywood movies a thousand-plus times. Unfortunately, the "Hollywood" ending is not the one we usually see in real life.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh, btw, Happy, I forgot your story, since I did read it long time ago, and I just read it again quickly. I remember thinking "hmmmmm, good for her". 

I do have the decency of at least separating from H before sleeping with someone. (Don't have the decency of waiting until D is settled because that would take forever). 

I have NO intention of marring again or ever living with someone if I divorced, for god's sake. This man is not a cure-all, not even anything, he's just a trigger that makes the symptoms more apparent.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Just get a divorce and go have a life with this other guy. Quit dragging your feet and do the right thing. I am sure your husband would thank you for leaving him so he could find a woman that actually loves him.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> You and I were cross-posting at the same time. I hope you go back and read my last post .
> 
> As for seeking it "somewhere else" with your husband's "blessing"... then go right ahead! But I'm sure you can't fulfill the "without emotional attachment" part. *You're already falling in love* with this player-weasel-"steal another-man's wife" schmuck. Good luck keeping the emotional part out of it. You already want to show him "YOUR" Japan... not the touristy spots, but the spots that mean something to YOU. And he wants to take you up on it. Because he wants to BED you.
> 
> ...


cross-posting again, ha. I already made it clear I can't just go [email protected]&^% someone without the emotional attachment, and that is exactly the problem. 

Oh, going to Japan or Zimbabwe is just symbolic. Actually, him wanting to BED me or not is not so relevant, is it? Because if I bed him my marriage would be down the kitchen sink with the inSinkErator motor on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you reread your first post, you say your are being honest with your husband. Then you go on to make it clear you are hiding things and intentionally decieving him.

By the way, why do you think the medical profession leads all others for commiting adultery?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> cross-posting again, ha. I already made it clear I can't just go [email protected]&^% someone without the emotional attachment, and that is exactly the problem.
> 
> Oh, going to Japan or Zimbabwe is just symbolic. Actually, him wanting to BED me or not is not so relevant, is it? Because *if I bed him my marriage would be down the kitchen sink with the inSinkErator motor on.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Isn't that what you want, Jennifer?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boundaries. That's what you need.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> I understand where you are coming from. *But I cannot possibly do that.*


Yes, you can. It's a choice.



jennifer1986 said:


> If I were to really tell him to not contact me, it would not be "because I am married".
> 
> So, if I were to do it, I would very honestly tell him that I am beginning to have feelings beyond friendship and that is why. However, I am just not sure if that is exactly the right thing to do right now.


You KNOW it's not the right thing to do. You are essentially saying that you want to cut an emotional affair by talking about all your "feelings" which is the entire point of growing the affair/bonding/and sharing things with someone that is not your husband.

I have said it before and will say it again... an emotional affair is WAY WORSE for a woman than a PA. Those are heart strings.

So if you value your marriage at all and don't want to see it end in flames and wouldn't wish your husband were in this situation with another woman, don't go there.

It's pretty simple.

Affairs destroy.

You are already crossing major lines having this guy talking to you every day and bringing you medicine/food when you're sick and you have feelings for him. My bet is your husband doesn't know about any of these things: the fact that he came over, brought you stuff, you speak daily and your feelings. 

Of course you could always explore this with your husband, about how you are feeling. It's only fair since you were saying you wanted to talk to the other guy about your feelings. So why not your own husband?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Just be honest with your H.

Tell him now that you are having an open marriage and wanted to clue him in about how you opened it up and felt he should know.

I see heartache and way too much pain.

You are a Doctor? Heal yourself. You are being selfish and your child will also be hurt by your actions.

Your friend is scum. Hope you use protection, because stds are never fun.

I do hope you find happiness someday, but you will not find happiness this way.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

This is intersting story, marriage is a 2 way street. Clearly your emotional and physical needs have not been met, perhaps because his needs have not been met. Have you tried counseling or education?

I firmly believe people change over time up to a point. Sometimes the people you become are simply not compatitable and that sounds like your case. You deserve to be happy, he deserves to be happy. Nothing that ends, ends well. I would not suggest adding the affair to the list of hurt that is about to come. It's cruel and you seem like a very nice woman.

Also, don't say things like "I'll never marry again" or think that becasue this marriage failed you are not suppose to love again. That is silly, what you need is a partner. Clearly this OM is providing you an emotional high thus you absolutely do want that. You can find that with someone. I hope it's with your husband but if he is not willing to participate, you cannot force him. Furthermore, if he will not particpate and make necessary changes, you need to move on. Life is to short.

Having said all that, I strongly encourage you to give your marriage one last chance and try to get your husband on board. We all deserve second chances if no infedility is involved. End the EA, he is not the only man that has the qualities you desire. If you marriage is not recoverable, start fresh and find the right person. I understand you are fantisizing now, don't act on it and let it go. Have peace of mind you did things the right way and feel good about how you approach things, don't do things you will later regret. And you will regret it later. You are educated...be smart!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Obvious answer is to cut this Asian trips out completely at let your kid either take care of himself whole abroad or he comes back to America (assuming we're talking college aged kid here). Anything else is bandaid bullish!t that will cost you one marriage.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Observer said:


> Clearly your emotional and physical needs have not been met, perhaps because his needs have not been met. Have you tried counseling or education?
> 
> ....Clearly this OM is providing you an emotional high thus you absolutely do want that. You can find that with someone. I hope it's with your husband but if he is not willing to participate, you cannot force him. Furthermore, if he will not particpate and make necessary changes, you need to move on. Life is to short.


Yes, right to the point. 

We have been thru counseling, I moved out before, my marriage of more than 20 years has always been difficult, but I definitely value it. The way I portrayed myself here is like a horny teenager, because that's exactly how I feel, it even shocks myself. But I have not lost my senses completely. 


Plan 9 from OS said:


> Obvious answer is to cut this Asian trips out completely at let your kid either take care of himself whole abroad or he comes back to America (assuming we're talking college aged kid here). Anything else is bandaid bullish!t that will cost you one marriage.


Sorry, my son is in 3rd grade. I do have another son that's in college and I never worry about that one. 

Just to clarify things, I have been COMPLETELY transparent with my H. The day this guy brought me stuff I was wechating H (that's another app where you talk with video images), and I was even shaking my head and showing him how incredulous I was. (Someone mentioned he should have called my H when I was sick...sorry, that's not possible, he didn't know the phone number, H was in America, and I don't need anyone calling my H to tell him what's going on with me. I called H daily)

Now, before I write the next couple sentences....anyone who wants to say "oh once always" and shake head can reserve comments, I have seen enough here. My story is very long and in pieces on this forum, but I am a "reformed" (I can hear the snickers) WS, A was early in medical school when separated from my newly wed H. Amazing it's been more than 20 yrs now. All my life, I have never hid anything from H. I know a lot about A's and thought I was pretty immune for the rest of my life. 

Oh, btw, someone mentioned medical professions having high A rate, perhaps that's just a sarcastic remark. I wouldn't be surprised but I don't know what the relevance is. Being a doc is a stressful thing, if that has anything to do with it. Being a female doc is a little different, but it totally depends on the individual. 

I went to a temple yesterday for a "mindfulness" class. It's different from meditation where you actually try to see what's wondering thru your mind. How should I put this...I have reached the age and stage in my life where I think all things happen for a reason. I want to clear the purple haze, but instead of saying "OMG such evil thoughts", "this is crazy"(it is), I want to watch my mind and see what is going on. I am still human and feelings don't die in one second just because I have obligations in this world. But humans are weak, of course. Lust is something I would like to look at face-on (still amazed how strong it can be), something potentially good can be so destructive. 

And I tell my H all these thoughts. A lot of time he doesn't listen to me(because he likes to ramble on about his own topics, like politics) but recently he's been better. I tell him probably I am just LONELY, on many different levels. All my FB and line conversations are on the cellphone, which my H holds. He was seeing the FB messages pop up (because all phones are linked) while I was in Asia and said "your friend is kinda out of line". I am glad he cares.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I haven't read through this thread, nor did I even read the lengthy list of your justifications for whatever it is you've done - I just wanted to state what I've come to learn as universal truth: the only way for anyone to overcome ANY marital problem requires first addressing it with your spouse.

the perfect advice: the most simple and effective way to stay loyal to your spouse is to tell them the truth.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> Just to clarify things, I have been COMPLETELY transparent with my H.


So you told your husband you have feelings for the other guy and are having an emotional affair with him? 

Your thread title asks *How to cut this "EA"* and people are giving you solid advice yet it seems you keep naysaying ever suggestion that has been recommended to you. 

So, how do _you_ think you can "cut" this "EA?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> I haven't read through this thread, nor did I even read the lengthy list of your justifications for whatever it is you've done - I just wanted to state what I've come to learn as universal truth: the only way for anyone to overcome ANY marital problem requires first addressing it with your spouse.
> 
> the perfect advice: the most simple and effective way to stay loyal to your spouse is to tell them the truth.


:iagree:


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I am not trying to be rude but I kind of feel this one is a troll. She says she tells her husband everything and is completely transparent with him. So with that being said she had to have told him she wanted to have a relationship with the other man. 

I can't imagine any man taking this lightly. It just does not sound right. 

Don't get me wrong there is probably some really weird people out there I am just not one of them. 

Clay


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

(1) Sorry, real person. Trolls rarely have more than 200 posts
(2) When did I ever say I want to have a "relationship" with this guy? I am straightforward with my feelings, but I never said that. (3) To be exact, no one has confessed any feelings here, that's why I put the EA in quotation marks. I could totally be building this in my head, and I have stated exactly how I feel which is of course way over for any friendship.
(4) I put this here, partly to "vent", for people who say "cut it completely", I hear that loud and clear. It's just an emotional struggle that I'm voicing out, because like I said humans are humans. 

For the Nth time, I have told my H everything, yes, that includes feelings, and again like stated above (3), how you define "EA" is each one's business, I just told my H what has happened, how it's affecting me, and how I am trying to get away from it. Oh, you mean that I want to get in bed with this other guy? Yes, we are pretty open about our sexual fantasies. 

My H is not crazy or "weird" (well, that's a subjective term), he's probably the most logical, thus unromantic guy on this planet. His philosophy is simple as he told me: if I am suffering and have better options I can leave. My answer is simple: I do not think that's necessary now (I had tried to leave before multiple times). People who have been thru a lot do not have to react like soap opera (OMG u feel like doing this guy? Outta door now).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Sorry, my son is in 3rd grade. I do have another son that's in college and I never worry about that one.


OK...so why is your 8/9 year old son in Asia for such an extended period of time (30 months????) while you and your husband live in the states? What possible benefit is this to anyone? Like I said before, you'll likely lose a marriage over the fact that your son has been in Asia while you two continue to live in the USA. I cannot imagine ANYTHING that would require that he stay in Asia like this. It makes zero sense, and frankly stupid since it's clearly driving a giant wedge between you and your husband.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> (10) I asked myself "if this if just you going crazy, that's not even an EA", and *I have the strongest urge to find out how he feels*, knowing it's completely DUMB because it doesn't make a #@%^#& difference how he feels.
> 
> (12) BTW, for all the potential cynics (sorry, I have just seen so many people attacking any potential EA/PA doer with light speed), *I have not hidden anything from DH (to the extent I don't hurt him by exactly telling him how much I feel for this guy*, but I was honest about this guy being "too caring" and it's "not good" and I am "dealing with it".)
> 
> I need some constructive advice, please.


Ok, so again, you haven't been completely transparent with your husband. Sure you told him about the guy but not all about your emotional feelings/how you are feeling about him. 

And you may try to rationalize that by saying you've told him about the guy but until you've been really honest wit your husband about what is going on in your head and stuff, you're not being 100% transparent.

Clay is right. No husband, knowing the real truth, would be sitting on this with zero reaction. Because the truth is, he would be hurt. And that's probably why you haven't told him the truth, because you know this. It's like when cheaters gaslight the person who is on to them and they keep saying "No... i'ts not really what you think is going on... it's something else." It's also why you've now posted how maybe this is all "in your head" when it's not. You have feelings and they grow whenever you hang out with him. You have to own that first. 

Just saying. 

I think it's good you cut off FB communication with him. Again, I go back to what I said earlier: it's all about boundaries. This other guy is looking really good to you right now because he is meeting emotional needs that your husband isn't. And the reason for that is the proximity when you see him and hanging out together and even allowing time for that to even happen. Which is why everyone is telling you to shut it down. 

You said it's "impossible" for you to do that so it just seems as if you are not ready to let the "EA" guy go and haven't considered what all that means. 

You are in "the fog" as they say.



jennifer1986 said:


> I could totally be building this in my head, and I have stated exactly how I feel which is of course way over for any friendship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jennifer, sorry - I hadn't read your other threads and just skimmed through them now. It seems 2 years ago you were looking into getting a divorce and your husband has told you to find another lover (his low libido, etc). 

Do you really want to stay married in this state? I ask because it seems there is a lot going on. 

I can assure you, though, that bringing a third party into it probably isn't going to resolve all your marriage problems. 

Do you want to be married? Perhaps you should try telling your husband exactly how you feel about this other guy - it may open up doors in your marriage that are new.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OK...so why is your 8/9 year old son in Asia for such an extended period of time (30 months????) while you and your husband live in the states? What possible benefit is this to anyone? Like I said before, you'll likely lose a marriage over the fact that your son has been in Asia while you two continue to live in the USA. I cannot imagine ANYTHING that would require that he stay in Asia like this. It makes zero sense, and frankly stupid since it's clearly driving a giant wedge between you and your husband.


I don't think you can just use "stupid" to comment on some education plan. It is only stupid in the sense that it should not go on like this. Originally, I told H we should just move to Asia so he can do his business there. Well, it's becoming more and more obvious he just wants to hang on to my clinic business, so during our conversations for the past couple days I have again stated this is not going to work. 

Jellybeans, I do hear and understand you. My H does know how I feel, because I have always fell for the exact same kind of guy (paying attention to details, knowing lots of "useless" stuff like literature, music, blah, being gentle and romantic....in other words, quite different from my H). Does he get "hurt"? I don't know what you call it, he calls it "frustration". My H is very stubborn when it comes to meeting our needs 1/2 way. I don't need to elaborate here as I had already done almost 300 posts. 

I actually have always envisioned a happy life with my H, if he would only like me a little more the way I am. We are definitely working on that. 

I would get hurt if my H has feelings for another woman, but I would want to find out what kind of person she is and why. There are things to learn from it. 

Of course it's a fog, I'm just amazed I would still fall into it, and ironically it feels so good it's hard to get out of it. But a fog is still a fog.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Jennifer, sorry - I hadn't read your other threads and just skimmed through them now. It seems 2 years ago you were looking into getting a divorce and your husband has told you to find another lover (his low libido, etc).
> 
> Do you really want to stay married in this state? I ask because it seems there is a lot going on.
> 
> ...


haha, sorry, cross-posting. My life was turned upside down 2 yrs ago when my Dad passed away. All my efforts on marriage came to a halt. I'm trying to rebuild everything from there. At this point, I do want to stay married, and like I said, I did tell H how I feel


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> *I don't think you can just use "stupid" to comment on some education plan.* It is only stupid in the sense that it should not go on like this. Originally, I told H we should just move to Asia so he can do his business there. Well, it's becoming more and more obvious he just wants to hang on to my clinic business, so during our conversations for the past couple days I have again stated this is not going to work.


What would you call it then? You're risking your marriage over an education plan.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What would you call it then? You're risking your marriage over an education plan.


You have no right to make such a comment. (1) Plenty of people in my culture would say the latter is more important in the sense that marriage is not forever, but a kid's education is. I personally do not agree with that, but in some countries there are thousands of couples separated for years just to provide for their kids. Obviously this doesn't work well in my case, but just brushing it off and calling it stupid is oversimplification. (2) I already explained the we were first testing out how the kid would adapt, then at least my expectation was to have both of us spend most of our time in Asia.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> (1) Sorry, real person. Trolls rarely have more than 200 posts
> (2) When did I ever say I want to have a "relationship" with this guy? I am straightforward with my feelings, but I never said that. (3) To be exact, no one has confessed any feelings here, that's why I put the EA in quotation marks. I could totally be building this in my head, and I have stated exactly how I feel which is of course way over for any friendship.
> (4) I put this here, partly to "vent", for people who say "cut it completely", I hear that loud and clear. It's just an emotional struggle that I'm voicing out, because like I said humans are humans.
> 
> ...


Interesting comment. So why, then, did you decide to stay and not leave? Sounds like you have other quite compelling interests, including wanting to burn up the sheets by bedding this other guy because you know it would be "good." Why stay when you obviously want to go out there and experiment?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

thummper said:


> Interesting comment. So why, then, did you decide to stay and not leave? Sounds like you have other quite compelling interests, including wanting to burn up the sheets by bedding this other guy because you know it would be "good." Why stay when you obviously want to go out there and experiment?


I was just skimming thru another post on the OP's sexting, oh boy, people like to get very personal, and posters like us, brave souls who speak of their attraction to a person outside marriage, gotta wonder why we posted in the first place.

Here we go again, if we have impure thoughts, interests, desires, we should immediately head to the court. 

But I will answer the question. I am staying still because we are actually working on our marriage. Sex is a huge part, but not all. If I can't fix the sex part eventually, yes I will leave. I was about to walk out the door, but when family tragedy struck my H showed me the support that carried me thru, and I greatly value that. My marriage problems are surfing again now I am finally trying to look at my life. When unexpected death and having to deal with the widowed parent (my Mom) took such a toll on me, I was just getting by.


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