# The woman I love is depressed, and things are getting messy.



## drippy (Mar 16, 2012)

I just don't know what to do at this point.

We have been together for almost a decade now, and in the past 8 or so months, she became very depressed. I'm still not sure what triggered it, and I didn't notice it for quite some time either--I mis-read all the signs, and she was doing her best to hide things from me for reasons I still don't understand at all.

Because of this, things got REALLY bad before I clued in and was able to start encouraging her to get help, which has been a struggle. But she's finally taking positive steps, (getting off the wrong meds, seeing a psychologist, getting regular exercise, etc.) and things seemed to be improving.

Until...

The thing is that I don't know how to deal with depression; it's not something I have any real experience or training with. She has been doing and saying *a lot* of really mean and horrible things to me the past while, it's so out of character that I have been chalking up to the (original, bad) anti-depressants and the depression itself, rather than some fundamental shift in her feelings towards me / her personality.

In other words, I've been trying to be strong and supportive, even when all I want to do is scream at her sometimes for doing something awful--for example throwing a dinner plate full of hot food at me for saying she needs to eat is justified because that suggestion is actually me being controlling... It's really hard to bite my tongue at times, and I have not always managed, but I know that fighting with her when she's unwell cannot be a good thing. So I've been trying, and quietly mopping up messes.

Obviously, keeping stuff like that pent up is not good for anyone, especially since I am not the type of person who normally likes to keep anything pent up. So I consider myself lucky to have a couple very good (male) friends that I can simply vent and rant to about things, knowing full well that things said are both in confidence and not to be taken totally seriously--just because I'm hurt and mad at her at some specific point in time doesn't mean that she is anything less than the love of my life, it just means I'm hurt and angry at the time. They get it; it's how I'm able to function these past few months.

The problem, however, is that a many of these exchanges have happened over email (as opposed to, say, the local pub) for various reasons. This would not be an issue, except that she decided yesterday to hack into my email account and start going through things in great detail. Why she would have invaded my privacy like that is really beyond me, but it's done.

In her digging, she has found a few messages like "I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship any more", and similar miserable comments by me. But there is no context at all (that is, no mention of getting food thrown at me, just me venting the anger it's caused) and are clearly not how I really feel in general, but are instead me venting all the negative feelings I've been having lately because I've been unable to deal with her in a totally productive and open manner.

You can't complain at somebody with depression for being depressed, can you?

Regardless, she has now declared that those are my true feelings, and the relationship is over. Eight years, gone, like that. I don't want things to end, and certainly not like this; so abrupt! I love her, so, so much--she means the world to me. But she is unwell (but improving finally!), and I understand that finding mean things written about you is upsetting, but at the same time she has to know that she should not have been going through my stuff like that, and if you dig like that you can't get too upset at what you might find; it's like reading somebody else's diary in my opinion.

She also would have found a bunch of statements like "I don't know how to deal with this situation, and I'm really scared" and "why does she keep doing these things to me, this feels like abuse", but those don't seem to matter. Nor does the even larger pile of mundane or nice things, either.

Anyway, to close this, I want to know if you all out there think this is a recoverable situation? And if so, any ideas how? I don't want to lose her, but this is a pretty messed up place right now, and I seem to be doing all the wrong things lately. And her mental health issues certainly don't make things less complicated...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm sorry for your struggles

Whether it was in writing or re-hased gossip that you said in person, you did say those things. So rather than fighting it, explain that is how you felt at that moment. And own it.
Feelings change. What was written was that point in time.

So how do you feel about the relationship now? Help her put it in perspective. What about today and the future? Isn't that what matters?


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Depression is really, REALLY difficult, debilitating, and it changes personality. It's probably as difficult for someone dealing with a loved one who is depressed as it is for the one who is depressed. I'm not a doctor, but as I remember in the explanations, it doesn't have to be brought on by any particular event. Sometimes it might be, or at least might coincide with a life event.

The one thing I remember most when sitting in the Dr. office with my wife was when the Dr. said "You can't think your way out of it." You're right when you say she isn't well, and in that condition, a lot of coping mechanisms aren't going to function correctly for her, and sometimes things she would not normally think or feel come out of her. These hurt.

I'm unsure as I read what you're writing. You say she's off the "wrong meds" but another time, you think the anti-depressants or the depression itself may be what causes these things to come out. So is she currently on an anti-depressant? If so, how long has she been on this particular anti-depressant? Did the Dr. tell you that with anti-depressants, as with any medication that deals with your psychological processes, you may have to tweak the dosage or even change medications if she is not responding? IIRC, any of the anti-depressants take at least 3 weeks to begin taking effect, but if she's been on them long enough, and you are not seeing any effects that indicate she may be coming out of the depression, it may be time to talk to your doctor again. Most times, the person living with the depressed person sees changes before the person with the depression, and that happens both as they are sinking into depression, and as they are beginning to improve. 

This is so difficult because the person's coping mechanisms aren't what they normally are, but even so, you have to recognize your humanity, and recognize that you can only take so much. I do question thinking your email account is private - I know in our case I keep my email account open to my wife all the time exactly because I want a policy of openness wtih her. I don't want her to feel I have an avenue to sneak around on her. However; now what's done is done, and whether you had such a policy with her or not is moot. Now, she knows what was said.

As difficult as it is for her, and for you, I don't really think just trying to hold everything in, or trying to hide it all from her is a good thing. When talking with her, I would try to start out by expressing that you understand that all of this is very difficult for her. You may not understand exactly what she is feeling, but you understand it is difficult, and you want to do everything you can to help her get better, and to feel better. But then I probably would express to her that it is also very difficult for you because you still have feelings, and it is still very much possible for your feelings to be hurt. For that matter, it is very much possible for your body to be hurt when she throws things like a plate of food. I would keep it in the front of her mind that you want to support her in getting better, but also let her know that things like this are very hurtful to you. (When talking with my wife, it's okay for me to be vulnerable. It's not a time to have it all figured out if, in fact, I don't.) She may not be able to think about it, but maybe ask her what your outlet should be when you love her, but need support because you're hurt by the situation, and need help to remain supportive. (Keep the words in the positive as much as possible when you're telling her you want to help her. Talk about the fact that you're hurt, but keep it in the context of needing to stay so you can continue to help her.)

Our only real crisis in our marriage was when my wife became depressed as her father was wasting away with stomach cancer. I wrote about it as part of my post in the thread "Marriages nobody believed would work ... but they did" in the "General Relationship Discussion" forum on this board if you're interested. That was going on as we had our 9th anniversary. We didn't even celebrate our 9th. But on our 10th, we had a vow renewal and had the big ceremony that we couldn't afford when we first got married. We've now been married for 27 years. So it is possible to recover from these, but that not to say that it does every time. I don't know if it will get better - that will be up to both of you, and will depend at least partially on her response to the medications and willingness to continue with the treatment. 

In the meantime, you have to understand that most of the work in your marriage is going to be done by you while she is sick, but that you are human, and can only take so much. You need to find support while she is recovering, too. She will probably need to know that you need support, and she will need to know that you need it so you can continue to support her and help her. Be careful that you don't tell her you need help because she's driving you crazy (or any other such variation), but don't hide it from her when you need support. Support may be in the form of a pastor, counselor, or therapist - whatever you're comfortable with. Friends help, but if you burden your friends too much, you can become too heavy for them, too. It all depends on the friend how much they are able to help.

I wish you the best. Depression is terrible, debilitating, and altering. Help her to recover, and her personality is likely to be much different from what it is while she is dealing with the depression.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi drippy ~

Sorry you are going through this. Living and coping with a depressed individual can be very stressful and trying on a person.

What do you do to try and keep yourself going - to de-stress and try and enjoy life as much as you can?

Have you looked into any resources for spouses/loved ones in trying to deal with someone who has depression? You can check out local or online support groups for spouses of depressed people.

The following may also be beneficial to read, if you haven't already:

Amazon.com: How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (9780609804155): Anne Sheffield, Mike Wallace, Donald F. Klein: Books

Amazon.com: Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond (9780060009342): Anne Sheffield: Books

Best wishes.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

When you're depressed you stop caring about anything and everything.

Declaring what she read your "true feelings," and flatly declaring your relationship over may be a couple of things...either she is just looking for an excuse to end it, or she is overreacting because she doesn't know how to verbalize her hurt, so that is her way of hurting back.

She needs to realize that you are going through the depression with her, and you need your outlets just as she does.

I agree with Enchantment...get yourself into a support group if at all possible. It will give you a safe outlet to vent and provide you with coping techniques as well.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Well, it seems as if you're both at fault, and you both have long been bottling things up that simply shouldn't have been. 

Having struggled with depression myself, I know a lot of times it feels like the whole world is against you and that you don't really fit in with anybody… In that state of mind, to hear that the person you love thinks so miserably of you would be devastating. In the future you definitely need to find a better outlet for your frustration than venting in emails; after 8 years she's allowed access to your email account IMHO. 

That being said, the fact that she hid her depression from you for so long indicates that there were problems in the relationship before her depression, too. Clearly you both have felt the need to hide things from the other for some time - That's a problem.

My advice to you is to start being more open and honest with her. Let her know that you want to be her rock, her support, and that you'll do anything to help her, anytime anywhere. Make sure she knows that you want to hear about her problems, even if they involve you or if she thinks you won't understand. Tell her that even if you don't understand, you will still be there when all is said and done, and that you only have her best wishes at heart.

I also think that you should start sticking up for yourself more. Not in a mean way, just in a firm way. Here's why: Every time she throws a hot plate of food at you (or something similar) and you just sit there and take it, she's going to feel even worse about herself than she did before. She'll see you quietly clean up and feel awful about herself. She's not ignorant; I can guarantee you that she's aware of how mean she's being to you in those moments, it's just that she doesn't know how to handle it. So, help her - Stand by her in those moments, but make it clear that throwing stuff isn't doing anything for anybody.

Hope that makes sense, my condolences go out to you...Depression is rough for everybody. Yours won't be the first relationship broken as a result of this crippling disorder.


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