# depressed alcholic, addicted to porn and chat sites



## dexternh

Hi, I'm new here. I found this site in hopes to help myself and my husband. My husband is an amputee now for 14 years. I was with him through everything when he was hurt in his sawmill accident. We worked hard and prouded ourselves on the life we had and friendship we had together. 3 years after we had a son! We both were at that time still young in our 20's and were smoking pot and drinking. Fast forward 10 years and we both quit pot as we realized how paranoid and lazy and stupid we were being. We became active well as much as my husband can and started going out more to dinner and sporting events with our son. Through this time period we disconnected ourselves from the friends that we had because we didn't want to be around them with the pot. During this time frame my husbands alcohol picked up a lot to the point that he would leave to go get us dinner and not come home till 2 am. I would cry and worry while he was gone not knowing. Last year he got a DUI because of this "going to get dinner routine". I helped of course get him to work and get him back behind the wheel as I was promised he would never do this again. the last 4 months we have been fighting and it's not just fighting over a disagreement its his chat site and porn that he now uses A LOT. He will tell me to leave or go to bed and I find him on these sites when I wake up to go to the bathroom. Now I am still young mind you and still want sex and am not boring or refuse. I get mad at him and then he gets very defensive, hurtful and mean. This has happened too many times and last night as he just got his license back he went to 2 bars when he was to go get himself dinner as I was out with out son. I ended up finding him at the last bar and took his keys. BOY he didn't like that and was very mean... the things he's said still ring in my ear.. He is my life and my sons. I am very depressed and told him I was leaving packed and was going when he gave all his beer away and said he was done with everything, meaning beer and websites, etc. His mother and I believe he has not really worked through his accident and uses all of this to feel wanted or like a man? IDK. All I know is I am lost I don't have anyone but his loving family that has been there last night and many nights before for me and him and I feel like I am the most unwanted person. I've lost myself these last 12 years we've been married, 18 years together total and I know my mom in heaven is helping me cope but will he go back and do this all again repeating over and over as he's done in the past? School is starting and I don't want to put my son under that kind of stress because when he isn't drinking he is pretty thoughtful and is a great dad.....


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## EleGirl

Do you work outside the home?

You need to joint Al Anon. They can help you a lot with figuring out what do to here.

Your husband needs to be in counseling and in AA.

Your marriage cannot be fixed until he stops drinking.


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## ladymisato

I'm very sorry to hear about all the trouble in your marriage. At the risk of stating the obvious: you need to get him sober. If you have not already done so, contact AlAnon for help with that. I'm not sure you are confronting him in the best way about his drinking but you are right to confront him on it.

You've shown great courage so far, I hope you keep it up.

You didn't say if his amputation prevents him from working. That can be a problem for men.


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## dexternh

I work 45 hours a week and he works 60 hours a week. He's never stopped working accept for 4 months after his accident. Day one of no drinking is complete. After a very quiet evening I feel like he's mad at me when early in the day he was trying to make me smile. So IDK what today or tomorrow holds I just know he's my best friend and I don't want to leave or loose him but I also can't be so sad and depressed I am strong I think at times so I will battle through for my son at least Thanks for the responses


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## dexternh

Just to add- 
I just sat at the lake reflecting this weekends on goings and I read about depression and how it affects people and I can't just leave him. I have to be there for him even if it hurts me. I know in time when he battles with this he will be back to the man I fell in love with. He has many times said he doesn't want me to go and I am everything as he would be lost so, how can I just leave... That to me is the hardest decision anyone has to make. If he continues to be sober (working on day 2) and proves he wants to for himself and for our family then our world will be back to normal. I just got to get him out and see some friends, etc. Does anyone know how I can be there for him in a way without being smothering just encouraging? thanks a ton


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## Hope1964

ladymisato said:


> you need to get him sober. If you have not already done so, contact AlAnon for help with that.


NO NO NO - this is WRONG. YOU do not get him sober. Only HE can do that.

What you need to contact alanon about is your codependent issues. And it wouldn't hurt for you to get yourself into some counseling.

You MUST become your own person and stop thinking your life will end without him. You MUST start thinking about how to separate yourself from him and his issues. Because they are HIS issues. Only he can deal with them. You need to develop boundaries - what you will and will not tolerate. If you refuse to be married to or sleep with or interact with someone who drinks, then your only responsibility is to inform him of that. He has to then decide if getting the help he needs is important enough. Many addicts have to lose something they love before they realize that they need help.

Unless you work on yourself, you're doing him more harm than good by refusing to set these boundaries.


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