# Wife has endometriosis and sex is painful so she has disconnected from it. How can we work on improving.



## Harbourdc (Jan 15, 2021)

So me and my wofe have been together since 2014. When we first got together she was all about sex. She would get turned on, she would be wet and wanted it as much ad I did. A few months into relationship we bought a house and since then sex is about the last thing on her mind. For the past 5-6 years I am always asking and getting turned down and when she does finally agree she always says just be quick, can you already be hard, don’t take forever in there. She only wants to do missionary position and is never into it, we’ve had to use lube past 5-6 years because she never gets wet anymore either when she used to be extremely wet. I always ask her how i could make it better or turn her on and she just says it hurts and gets mad/frustrated that Im asking about it. Ive bought cbd lube to help with pain, questioned about different positions that might be better, she wants nothing to do with oral or foreplay and she finally told me that every position hurts so shes just disconnected from it and doesn’t know how to fix it and that she doesn’t know if shes there yet because she figures well have to go to a therapist. 
im trying to find any way to help with this before we try therapy.
Im desperate to fix this because I feel closest and most connected to my wife when we have a healthy sex life and that hasn’t been the case for years. We’re both in our mid thirties with an 18 month old baby and i love them both more than the air i breath but I alsofeel like my marriage has a huge whole in it from the lack of physical intimacy with my wife.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

She needs to have her health problem addressed. I had an ex with severe endometriosis and it became painful for her every time also. She her surgery to remove the problem and after 1 month recovery, she was just fine. 

With that said, it kinda worries me a bit how pushy you are with trying to get your wife to have sex so much despite how painful it is for her. When my ex was going through this, I wasn't always bugging her to get laid because I knew it hurt. You gotta think about your wife a bit here and not worry as much about your own desires for a bit.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So did it hurt when she was very keen on sex? When did it start hurting? Has she has medical help for it?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I have posted about this in the past. THC Lube might help. It doesn't get her high but a lot of people have said it can be very effective for women like your wife. I'm not talking about typical over the counter CBD stuff, I'm talking actual THC based lube. Obviously you would have to live in or near a state that had legal recreational marijuana as you can only get the legit THC lubes from marijuana dispensaries. It also is very effective at increasing overall pleasure. It has to be applied an hour or so before activity and if you go down on her when she has it on and you ingest a fair amount you will get high so be cautious of that.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Right away, I'd start finding a balance. Needing sex is a real thing but so is the health of your spouse. Encouraging her to get checked and being understanding is a faster pathway to what she needs and what you want. I'd focus intensely on what can help her in the short term. It might give her some emotional relief and allow her to focus on her health.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Endometriosis is a very painful condition that is made worse by menstruating and having sex and even having bowel movements sometimes. I hope you have read up on it and understand that this is a legitimate thing and not something your wife has made up. 

Treatment consists of trying hormones and then surgery but there is no guarantee and it can be a lifelong condition. Just understand that this is a legitimately painful condition that prevents her from wanting to have sex or probably even get sexually excited. 

Be sure she has gone to a doctor who isn't just an OB but is someone who is up on hormone therapy and make sure she's at least tried hormone therapy on this and then consulted whether she would benefit from surgery or not.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You have an 18 month old baby? Usually women with severe endo have a difficult time getting pregnant. What was sex like when she wanted to conceive?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

When people say they don't want sex and don't attempt to do anything about it medically or through counseling *of their own free will and without urging or pressure from a mate*, then I assume that the condition can easily be just an excuse and not the real issue....This is true for either sex....

Of course I am not a woman, nor do I know what the real story is here, it just stands to reason, when you start to boil it down....If you can't see things, you get yourself a pair of glasses, you don't just stop trying to see things...or wait until someone pressures you...

If it was a condition that had no real solution, then that's fine, but without any effort on her part to do anything about it or fix it, then she has just been relegated sexual activity to the scrap heap, and that's it..

Pressuring or even nudging someone for sex, is about the least sexy thing I can think of...As is the whole starfish "stick it in and get it over with" scenario......I'd rather take care of myself at that point...It would be far less humiliating...


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Harbourdc said:


> So me and my wofe have been together since 2014. When we first got together she was all about sex. She would get turned on, she would be wet and wanted it as much ad I did. A few months into relationship we bought a house and since then sex is about the last thing on her mind. For the past 5-6 years I am always asking and getting turned down and when she does finally agree she always says just be quick, can you already be hard, don’t take forever in there. She only wants to do missionary position and is never into it, we’ve had to use lube past 5-6 years because she never gets wet anymore either when she used to be extremely wet. I always ask her how i could make it better or turn her on and she just says it hurts and gets mad/frustrated that Im asking about it. Ive bought cbd lube to help with pain, questioned about different positions that might be better, she wants nothing to do with oral or foreplay and she finally told me that every position hurts so shes just disconnected from it and doesn’t know how to fix it and that she doesn’t know if shes there yet because she figures well have to go to a therapist.
> im trying to find any way to help with this before we try therapy.
> Im desperate to fix this because I feel closest and most connected to my wife when we have a healthy sex life and that hasn’t been the case for years. We’re both in our mid thirties with an 18 month old baby and i love them both more than the air i breath but I alsofeel like my marriage has a huge whole in it from the lack of physical intimacy with my wife.
> Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.


First off, don't try to fix this yourself. If this was a simple (relatively speaking) lack of drive issue, that would be different, but you have a known medical condition that typically creates painful sex for the woman. This is prime therapy territory. You need to get someone who can help you better communicate with each other. That is what is going to solve this.

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## Harbourdc (Jan 15, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> She needs to have her health problem addressed. I had an ex with severe endometriosis and it became painful for her every time also. She her surgery to remove the problem and after 1 month recovery, she was just fine.
> 
> With that said, it kinda worries me a bit how pushy you are with trying to get your wife to have sex so much despite how painful it is for her. When my ex was going through this, I wasn't always bugging her to get laid because I knew it hurt. You gotta think about your wife a bit here and not worry as much about your own desires for a bit.


Is asking a few times a month being pushy?


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## Harbourdc (Jan 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So did it hurt when she was very keen on sex? When did it start hurting? Has she has medical help for it?


She says it’s always hurt even when she was keen on it


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## Harbourdc (Jan 15, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Endometriosis is a very painful condition that is made worse by menstruating and having sex and even having bowel movements sometimes. I hope you have read up on it and understand that this is a legitimate thing and not something your wife has made up.
> 
> Treatment consists of trying hormones and then surgery but there is no guarantee and it can be a lifelong condition. Just understand that this is a legitimately painful condition that prevents her from wanting to have sex or probably even get sexually excited.
> 
> Be sure she has gone to a doctor who isn't just an OB but is someone who is up on hormone therapy and make sure she's at least tried hormone therapy on this and then consulted whether she would benefit from surgery or not.


I’m not accusing my wife of making up 


Livvie said:


> You have an 18 month old baby? Usually women with severe endo have a difficult time getting pregnant. What was sex like when she wanted to conceive?


Sex was the same, we had been going to a fertility specialist (how she was diagnosed with endo) who did a procedure that reduced the amount of inflammation in uterus which helps get pregnant.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Harbourdc said:


> Is asking a few times a month being pushy?


When you know it's going to hurt her then yes.

But it is reasonable to tell her that you want a sexual marriage where it doesn't hurt her, then push her to see a doctor. If she refuses you may have some tough decisions to make.

If she at least makes some effort you have something to work with.

Is that how you want to live? Basically pushing painful sex on a wife who isn't interested? How can that possibly be bonding? I find sex bonding too but I can't imagine getting anything out of a situation like that.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Harbourdc said:


> Is asking a few times a month being pushy?


It's pushy and selfish to boot. You are literally asking her to go through pain in order to give you what you want. As a husband, if you actually cared for her, what you should be doing is trying to get her well, but you seem more interested in you own needs. I can imagine this alone is very off-putting to her. If I were you, I would be offering her a very good apology, putting my needs to the side for a time, and trying to help her through her problem.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Enigma32 said:


> It's pushy and selfish to boot. You are literally asking her to go through pain in order to give you what you want. As a husband, if you actually cared for her, what you should be doing is trying to get her well, but you seem more interested in you own needs. I can imagine this alone is very off-putting to her. If I were you, I would be offering her a very good apology, putting my needs to the side for a time, and trying to help her through her problem.


If your endo is so painful that you NEVER have pain free sex, then you should be having surgery to remove it. Really.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know someone who is actually hypersexual who has been plagued w


Harbourdc said:


> I’m not accusing my wife of making up
> 
> Sex was the same, we had been going to a fertility specialist (how she was diagnosed with endo) who did a procedure that reduced the amount of inflammation in uterus which helps get pregnant.


I guess if having a child is your priority then a fertility specialist is who you would have gone to but the very reason I said not to just go to an ob about this is because all they want to do is get you pregnant and when you have endometriosis getting pregnant is probably not a very good idea. If she wants to get rid of the endometriosis and pain then she needs to stop trying to get fertile and pregnant and do whatever it takes to get rid of this surgically or with hormones and that can certainly conflict with her ability to have children. Obs don't care about anything except getting pregnant. What your wife needs is for someone to get rid of her pain and endometriosis not to get her pregnant.

So is your wife trying to get pregnant or is she trying to get rid of the endometriosis and pain? if it's the ladder she needs to see a doctor who is not about getting pregnant.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

First step, address this medically as several have rightly suggested. While this is going on, how about oral sex instead of penetrative sex? Does oral also cause pain? If not, it should be your go-to choice while pursuing other remedies.


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

I have endometriosis and my main symptom, apart from extremely painful periods, is excruciating pain when having intercourse. It is hard to describe how painful it is, but personally it is like a knife inside me and beyond anything that I can tolerate.

I was diagnosed nearly 15 years ago, but was misdiagnosed for a good 10 years prior to that as my dr thought that it was ‘all in my head’. 

I had surgery when I was first diagnosed, and it helped a little, but by then I was wired to expect that intercourse was going to hurt and so I developed vaginismus. Having a few ex boyfriends who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘no’ also added to my distress when trying to have sex.

I’ve now been with my husband for 16 years, married 10 years this year, and it is only in the last 2 years that I have found a treatment that has actually worked for me. No amount of therapy is ever going to help! Instead I was referred to a pelvic physiotherapist who worked with me to relax my pelvic floor muscles. It has been honestly life changing! 

When something is as painful as this can be it is very hard to want to work on it, no matter how much your partner wants you to. Your wife needs a huge amount of compassion and understanding from you as it is very hard to deal with psychologically. 

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, how do you feel about yourself when you get on top of your wife after just having heard some variation of, "Hurry up."

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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> THC Lube might help... It also is very effective at increasing overall pleasure.


We tried THC infused oil (meant specifically to be applied to the vag area) and it did absolutely nothing for her. Is there a difference between such “oil” and “lube” ?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I don't think so. As long as it was a THC based oil intended for the purpose and not a tincture intended to be consumed.

The type my wife and I have used comes with an applicator for internal application as well as surface.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Enigma32 said:


> It's pushy and selfish to boot. You are literally asking her to go through pain in order to give you what you want. As a husband, if you actually cared for her, what you should be doing is trying to get her well, but you seem more interested in you own needs. I can imagine this alone is very off-putting to her. If I were you, I would be offering her a very good apology, putting my needs to the side for a time, and trying to help her through her problem.


And she is being selfish by not having her medical condition addressed so that she and her husband can live a normal married life. I think she is the one being more selfish here. *Absentminded* sought out and tried different treatments for the sake of her marriage and your wife should want to do it also. Sounds to me like she is comfortable doing nothing and letting her marriage fall apart.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He hasn't returned so he can't be too worried about it.


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