# Post divorce relationship: stay in it even if there may be no future?



## MilkChocolate (Feb 25, 2018)

Hi, I'm new here. Something's been eating at me and I'd value thoughts from others. I am 1.5 years post-divorce (and almost 3 years post-separation) from a narcissistic jerk and emotionally I feel very happy and stable (no regrets, no missing him, etc.). I have our 2 small kids 96% of the time. I get very little help with the kids from family, and I struggle financially as I had been a stay-at-home-mom before the divorce and I have hefty legal bills that I'll be paying down forever, it seems. Between working full time and always having my kids, I have about 0 time for a life.

I've reconnected with someone from my past and he is wonderful. We have intense chemistry, similar interests, and we enjoy time together. He's a single father of an older child and he gets a lot of help from family. He's understanding of how totally swamped I am, and he is flexible, good-natured, and interested in my kids (and they like him). He went through a rough break-up/divorce situation and we understand each other and the things we've each been through. He treats me like gold and couldn't be a nicer person. He was there in an emergency situation, waiting for hours with me in the ER with one of my kids. So what's the problem? I am starting to feel really, really annoyed with what I'm thinking is a simple lack of maturity. He's a financial mess...but different than a typical post-divorce-high-legal-bills-time-to-tighten-the-belt mess. His priorities seem all out of whack with his spending on frivolous things (eating out, beer, etc.) and living paycheck-to-paycheck....sometimes not even making it to next paycheck. I fear he may not be a good long-term partner if he can't face reality and tighten his belt and work on improving his situation. He's kind of always a victim, with seemingly not a lot of drive. There are other things, too, but this is the big one.

So...does it matter? Should I let sleeping dogs lie and try to live in the moment, enjoying our time together and be glad I have some companionship (from a really good man, no less!)? Or end things in favor of being honest that there may be no future in it because one of our core values (ideas about handling money) doesn't match up? On one hand, it may not even matter what he does financially because after what i've been through, I have resolved to never get hooked up financially with someone else again. On the other hand, if I stay with him, am I missing out on meeting someone who may be a better match? But it's not like I have the time or money to go out and date or somehow meet people anyway. If he and I weren't hanging out, I'd be home with my kids. I feel terrible for even contemplating all this, as he's a really, really good person.

What do you think?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

If it annoys YOU then it is annoying and will get worse.

Sounds like you work you arse off, are super responsible and this man kinda loves that about you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

sandcastle said:


> If it annoys YOU then it is annoying and will get worse.
> .


very much agree ....... these types of things grow like mold. If it bothers you now while your still in this part of your relationship ....watch out!

Is it a deal breaker ..... only you can know.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The answer to your question is based on what sort of relationship type you want with him. If you are just dating him casually then his financial mess is none of your concern and you can still enjoy dating him as your schedule fits. If you are looking for him as a long term partner then, it's a huge deal and a reason to no longer see him. 

So the question for you is are you having an official relationship with him that is possibly going to be progressing or is it just fun?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MilkChocolate said:


> I've reconnected with someone from my past and he is wonderful. We have intense chemistry, similar interests, and we enjoy time together. He's a single father of an older child and he gets a lot of help from family. He's understanding of how totally swamped I am, and he is flexible, good-natured, and interested in my kids (and they like him). He went through a rough break-up/divorce situation and we understand each other and the things we've each been through. He treats me like gold and couldn't be a nicer person. He was there in an emergency situation, waiting for hours with me in the ER with one of my kids. So what's the problem? *I am starting to feel really, really annoyed with what I'm thinking is a simple lack of maturity. He's a financial mess...but different than a typical post-divorce-high-legal-bills-time-to-tighten-the-belt mess. His priorities seem all out of whack with his spending on frivolous things (eating out, beer, etc.) and living paycheck-to-paycheck....sometimes not even making it to next paycheck.* I fear he may not be a good long-term partner if he can't face reality and tighten his belt and work on improving his situation. He's kind of always a victim, with seemingly not a lot of drive. There are other things, too, but this is the big one.
> 
> So...does it matter? Should I let sleeping dogs lie and try to live in the moment, enjoying our time together and be glad I have some companionship (from a really good man, no less!)? Or end things in favor of being honest that there may be no future in it because one of our core values (ideas about handling money) doesn't match up? On one hand, it may not even matter what he does financially because after what i've been through, I have resolved to never get hooked up financially with someone else again. On the other hand, if I stay with him, am I missing out on meeting someone who may be a better match? *But it's not like I have the time or money to go out and date or somehow meet people anyway. If he and I weren't hanging out, I'd be home with my kids.* I feel terrible for even contemplating all this, as he's a really, really good person.


So, he's convenient and available and you like not being stuck at home with no one to date. And clearly, you're seeing red flags with him regarding the possibility of a long-term relationship. This is not the recipe for happily ever after. However, as long as you're being honest with him about the true nature of the relationship - that it's casual fun and isn't going anywhere - then I don't see a problem. But, if you're being dishonest with him, about your true feelings and where this is (or is not) headed, then you're not being fair to either of you. So, just be honest. If he's down for being Mr. RightNow, great. If he's not, then you may find someone else who is, or you might just need to wait until you're in a better place to search for Mr. Right.


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## MilkChocolate (Feb 25, 2018)

Thank you all. Yes, a candid conversation between us is needed, to talk about our expectations for the direction of the relationship. I think I know deep down that we can't be a thing for the long term. He would like to move in together, which I am definitely not ready for (and because of the financial issues I REALLY hesitate). Also, my divorce agreement prohibits that. I'm definitely not ready for marriage, but neither is he. I am afraid that perhaps he is very much into me and sees me as some sort of raison d'etre, after all he's been through with his former relationship plus some other heavy issues, and that honestly really scares me (and also makes me shy away from starting the very difficult discussion that needs to be had). I do care deeply for him, and appreciate the emotional support he's given me, particularly where I have no single mom friends, and parents (my children's grandparents!) who cannot be bothered to be involved with my kids or emotionally supportive for me as I struggle to get my life back on track. So, he's been right there for me when others have not. And we have a deep and intense connection that I have never experienced before (even with my now-ex husband of 12 years). I am afraid of hurting him and/or pushing him away. But I do know that honesty is vital. 

Thanks again!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You already know it won't work long term so under no circumstances should you two move in together. It just makes the inevitable breakup harder and your relationship will change when you two are linked in a home and somewhat dependent on each other. Just be honest and have the hard talk with him. Yes, it will be unpleasant but it's the right thing to do. 

How can a divorce decree dictate with whom you live in the future? If it is specifically written in the parenting plan, it could have an affect, but it is also modifiable.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

My advice is to improve yourself and set boundaries as to what you want. Dont just move from man to man because the next guy is already there and ready.

Now... you can have fun with him, but make it clear its not long term and keep moving forward.
Sex, and the release of post-orgasm chemicals make for a very 'bonding' cocktail, so be aware that you might fall for this guy if you are physical


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MilkChocolate said:


> Thank you all. Yes, a candid conversation between us is needed, to talk about our expectations for the direction of the relationship. I think I know deep down that we can't be a thing for the long term. He would like to move in together, which I am definitely not ready for (and because of the financial issues I REALLY hesitate). Also, my divorce agreement prohibits that. I'm definitely not ready for marriage, but neither is he. I am afraid that perhaps he is very much into me and sees me as some sort of raison d'etre, after all he's been through with his former relationship plus some other heavy issues, and that honestly really scares me (and also makes me shy away from starting the very difficult discussion that needs to be had). I do care deeply for him, and appreciate the emotional support he's given me, particularly where I have no single mom friends, and parents (my children's grandparents!) who cannot be bothered to be involved with my kids or emotionally supportive for me as I struggle to get my life back on track. So, he's been right there for me when others have not. And we have a deep and intense connection that I have never experienced before (even with my now-ex husband of 12 years). I am afraid of hurting him and/or pushing him away. But I do know that honesty is vital.
> 
> Thanks again!


My brother was horrible with money. Spend it on stupid things. Never save anything.

When he got married, his wife took control of their finances. He welcomed that. He knew that he needed help with finances. That was 30 years ago and they are now retired with plenty of savings.

So it depends on the type of guy he is. He might welcome some structure in regards to his finances. Or he might feel like it is none of your business. A discussion is needed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SadSamIAm said:


> My brother was horrible with money. Spend it on stupid things. Never save anything.
> 
> When he got married, his wife took control of their finances. He welcomed that. He knew that he needed help with finances. That was 30 years ago and they are now retired with plenty of savings.
> 
> So it depends on the type of guy he is. He might welcome some structure in regards to his finances. Or he might feel like it is none of your business. A discussion is needed.


I like this...

If he makes enough to pay for the bills and a little afterwards. And as Sam said, if he would let you manage the finances.

What are 'your' liabilities? We all have them.
Are you very chubby, very low desire, LD? Not very pretty? Are you OCD, are you anxious a lot, are you cranky? 

These things should not matter, but they do. It is a competitive dating world out there.

Sometimes it just makes sense to stay single.

I would keep looking. Too many if's.


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## MilkChocolate (Feb 25, 2018)

I'm using my phone and not sure how to quote or reply specifically to each of you but regarding the divorce agreement, we unfortunately have a morality clause, which, at the time we mediated...and that was a LONG and difficult day...seemed to make sense to me as I couldn't even process moving on, and was more concerned about my ex on that front. The reality is that he almost never has the kids (a long story) and so the morality clause really doesn't affect him...only me. I have been told by one lawyer that it's modifiable, and by another that it isn't, as it's more of a contract between us than an issue related to "the best interests of the children." 

So, we sort of dived into an exclusive relationship, which I do now regret a little. I am a little bit craving some of my time back (not like I have much...but, at night after my kids are asleep I have my "me" time...before I utterly pass out from exhaustion) and feel appreciative of my own space (and place). I know I am definitely not ready for living with someone (married or not) at this point...and that's a big step to take with kids in the picture so I am trying to tread lightly.

Regarding finances, my ex was someone who needed "fixing" and I did it...I took control of our finances (which he was agreeable with) and did pretty well for us, though I often felt he was spendy and unrealistic, so I was still swimming against the tide. He rode my coat tails to great credit, and we divorced with me taking on half the marital debt (which did include my lawyer's retainer), even though I had been a stay-at-home mom. Ex seems to have gone back to his spendy ways since we separated. Anyway, I feel exhausted with all that, and am not keen to take that kind of "project" on again. I want to be with someone who has financial goals and is actively trying to reach them, however slow the process might be. Mine sure will be a slow process, but I'm chipping away at the lawyer debt and trying to budget and keep expenses down. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.


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## MilkChocolate (Feb 25, 2018)

Haha...my liabilities! I like that! It's true! Probably my biggest is lack of time to devote to a relationship, especially since I don't have much money for babysitters. And this man I'm seeing has been very understanding and very flexible. I'm also grumpy at times, which I'd like to blame on stress and lack of sleep, and I can be OCD at home, admittedly. I'm not a supermodel and I could stand to lose a few, for sure, but I suppose I'm not atrocious to look at. LOL. To his credit, this man I'm seeing has been GREAT about some harassment from my jerk ex.


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