# A little help please



## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

I won't bore you with a bunch of sad details but in a nutshell here is my dilemma
Been married 36 years
Sex was never good but ok for the first year
Not so much as a kiss in the last 20 years
She seems to have a normal sex drive. caught her having netsex , phone sex, and perhaps a couple of short term affairs.
She says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce but will never have sex with me again.
I'm not a toad. I try to be a good and patient lover.
I make a good living and am not a controlling person. 
She won't do any kind of counseling and won't discuss it any more
I have thought about having a lover but could never bring myself to do such a thing
I think about it every day and it breaks my heart.


What do you think?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

get a lover, sounds like she has


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

No. 

Get out.

THEN get a lover.

If she won't go to counseling you go alone. She will eventually follow, and if she doesn't the counseling will guide you to a solution...marriage takes two.

One without the other is not a marriage, but sometimes one seems alone, until a breakthrough happens.


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Two wongs never make a right. Not intrested in revenge I want a good marriage


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Been to a counselor and getting out is not a good idea. for one thing I live in a community property state and am quite well off. and for another I really do love my wife and want to fix this not bolt and regret. She really wouldn't do well by herself and her wellfare is sort of my job. I just can't go on for the rest of my life like this


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## ianpet07 (Aug 1, 2009)

CHARYBDIS said:


> I won't bore you with a bunch of sad details but in a nutshell here is my dilemma
> Been married 36 years
> Sex was never good but ok for the first year
> Not so much as a kiss in the last 20 years
> ...


I'm in a similar situation, Caught my wife jacking off on the net with guys also, though she claims never to have done it "with a real person" (her words) we have had blistering arguements in the 2 years since and she says she now has zero libido with me, I too still love her and don't want to leave but the idea of a sexless marriage is tearing me up. I too think about it everyday. It's not healthy... good luck amigo.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

CHARYBDIS said:


> She really wouldn't do well by herself and her wellfare is sort of my job. I just can't go on for the rest of my life like this


Are you her caretaker or her husband? Be firm about it. She is involved in behaviors that shouldn’t be allowed in a committed relationship. You won’t stand for it and if she doesn’t agree to help improve the situation you will divorce her. She needs counseling as an individual and you both need marital counseling. She cannot expect to continue on this way and have you stand by and take it. Let her know that. Love her or not, she is taking advantage of you.


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Amp
I appreciate your point and have thought about it many times but threats just aren't going to work. She lacks the emotional maturity to understand all the ramifications of this. The actual outcome would be something like this, I divorce her, she becomes wealthy and single, she does stupid and destructive things and I end up knowing because of my lack of foresight and caring I have allowed her to drag my entire family in the third level of hell. She hates me, Our children hate me and I hate me. This is a no go. There must be a way of dealing with the situation in a loving and mature way. I am way smarter than her and far more determined and patient. It seems there is a clear right and wrong here and if given a neutral and non-threatening way of presentation even the most insecure and bias person should clearly see the best outcome would be to correct the problem rather than blow up an otherwise good and loving marriage
RCS


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

ianpet07 said:


> I'm in a similar situation, Caught my wife jacking off on the net with guys also, though she claims never to have done it "with a real person" (her words) we have had blistering arguements in the 2 years since and she says she now has zero libido with me, I too still love her and don't want to leave but the idea of a sexless marriage is tearing me up. I too think about it everyday. It's not healthy... good luck amigo.


My advice is don't fight with her it puts you on an equal footing with her and it was not you who did wrong. It just makes her feel justified in what she is doing. It seems to me net-sex is a way of her fulfilling her fantasies in what she thinks is a safe and private way. She most likely never thought she would get caught and her reaction is to punish you for daring to spy on her. trust me I'm 20 years into this thing and the more you rip and tare the more you'll have to fix later if at all. Think of it as catching a naughty child doing something perverse and embarrassing. I know you are hurt but she can't see beyond her own mortification at what she has done and if she admits her guilt she will have to live with it. So she blames you . I'm sure in her heart she knows she screwed up but she is just red faced and looking for someone to strike out at. You should not let it be you or it will be harder if not impossible to fix. 
RCS


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

> Not so much as a kiss in the last 20 years





> She says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce but will never have sex with me again.





> She won't do any kind of counseling and won't discuss it any more


I'm not seeing much to work with here. At least not if by 'happy marriage' you include sex with your wife.



> I really do love my wife and want to fix this not bolt and regret. She really wouldn't do well by herself and her wellfare is sort of my job. I just can't go on for the rest of my life like this


After 20 years, I don't think you'd be guilty of bolting. Actually, her wellfare is not your job. She has to take responsibility for herself. Like Amp asked, are you her husband or her caretaker?

If you aren't willing to leave, and she isn't willing to change or even discuss it, then you most likely are going to live the rest of your life this way. Sorry to say it, but that's just the way it is.

I assume your kids are all grown? They shouldn't be a reason to stay together. It sounds to me like you are more concerned about your stuff, and your reputation, than about your relationship.



> She hates me, Our children hate me and I hate me.


How can you be sure it will end that way? What is your relationship to your children now?



> There must be a way of dealing with the situation in a loving and mature way.


There is. Sit down with her, and say 'Honey, I love you, but this isn't working...." Lay out how you are willing to change and better meet her needs, and how she can meet yours. Calmly, and firmly lay out a timeline. And then stick to it. No threats, no bluffs, just calm reasoned action. Suggest counseling, working through self-help books like The Five Love Languages, Married in Captivity, and the Mars/Venus series.

Include your children at the appropriate point. Have long honest heart-to-heart talks with them. If they are grown, then they are well capable of handling the news in a mature way. Then give them time and space to digest it.

Your wife will either take you seriously, the situation seriously, and work with you. Or she won't. Ultimately that choice is her's, and she'll have to face the ramifications of her decision. 

You shouldn't be her daddy, you shouldn't be her caretaker, you certainly shouldn't be her sugardaddy. Be her husband. Expect her to be your wife.


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Thank you Down for your caring and well thought out reply. Nothing new here I fear. After so long I suppose I've looked at this thing from every angle and come up dry. I'm not stupid or insensitive but I thought maybe someone out there might have a "magic bullet" just goes to show how desperation can make fools of us all. The thing is I have a life 24 hours a day and 22 or 23 of them are good and I am quite proud of my family and the things we have been able to accomplish together. But the intimacy issue is like a cancer eating away at my soul. Some days I feel so hollow and empty I just want to lay down and give up. I promised God and her parents to take care of her no matter what and I guess all the crying and complaining is just my feeling jipped. I suppose one reaches a time in life when the failures just bug the crap out of you. It seems my options are two. firstly live out the rest of my life giving all I can and die knowing I did what I thought best and ask for nothing in return. Second I leave and try to justify my selfishness in burning down the house because I didn't like the curtains and my wife wouldn't do anything to change them. Scylla and Charybdis.
Again thanks for taking your time to help out a complete stranger
RC


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## CHARYBDIS (Jul 11, 2009)

Ok 
Lets come at this from a different angle. As close as I can determine My wife because of her upbringing or sexual history (she's never been honest about this) thinks sex is somehow perverted and nasty. And me not being a pervert or morally depraved person I am not a candidate for sex with her. She desires sex but hates herself for it and so acts it out in a fashion in keeping with her opinion of the act. This is as close as I can get to understanding her motivation. She thinks it is a failure of character to behave in such a base and dirty way and so removes it from her life and compartmentalizes it in the " I hate myself for being so gross" file. Remember this is not an active thought process but some kind of base program and sitting down and saying "gee honey you've got it all wrong " is just not going to help. Touching leads to hugging, hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to touching, touching leads to sex, sex is filthy
RCS


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

ianpet07 said:


> I'm in a similar situation, Caught my wife jacking off on the net with guys also,


I wish I would catch my wife doing that. 

My point is this...I am more in a similar boat with the OP. 
I say similar, but yet quite different. In my case my wife likes, even loves sex, just not much of it. Its merely an appetite matter. 


In this case the circumstances seem different. I would definitely get out. The cost is the cost. You either pay by living in a sexless marriage or by way of your bank account.


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