# I feel like we are falling apart



## daddio (Dec 26, 2009)

I'm new at this site. I will try to be brief but accurate. My wife and I have been married 20 years and lived in the mid-west for years near our families. I lost my job there about 3 years ago and had to move to the east coast for a job. Since then our relationship has been slowly deteriorating. I know she misses her family terribly (and I miss mine). She has been trying to find a satisfying job since she has been here, but has been unable to. She works mostly daycare when she can. 

She seems like she is getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I have tried to get her to talk about her problems with a counselor, but when we go, it's all my fault. I do not pay enough attention to her. I do not make things special enough for her. We had a big fight yesterday about what I got her for Christmas. I got her what was on her list. At first she seemed happy about it, but as the day wore on, and the unwrapping was over, she became more and more upset about her gifts and said they were unimaginative. She said I didn't go that extra step and get her a special present.

Frankly, I do not know what to do anymore. I am wondering if I should even stay in this relationship. We have two teenage kids, so I do not want to be divorced, but I also want to be happy again. I am tired of walking on eggshells around her and waiting for her to explode. The littlest things seem to set her off.

She said last night that she feels like she has nothing. No job, no friends, no family. She has a very negative self image, and has always battled her weight. She is constantly criticizing herself and complaining about how fat she is (she is not terribly overweight in my opinion). She constantly argues with the kids and me over silly stuff.

It seems like she is very depressed to me since her Mom died this past April. I think she feels cut off from her past life, from her family and friends who are all back in the midwest. I am trying to find a new job back there, but so far no luck. I want her to be happy. I love her very much, but her moods and these fights on all the holidays are killing me. The kids notice it too. They do not want to spend too much time around her. There are times when she can be in a really good mood and fun to be with, and we have a good time. But then sometimes this other person comes out and she is not so much fun to be around.

I am seeing a counselor for myself to try to figure out what I can do. I just wanted to get this out there to see what everyone here thought about this situation. Your thoughts and opinions are welcome.

Thanks!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

daddio said:


> I'm new at this site. I will try to be brief but accurate. My wife and I have been married 20 years and lived in the mid-west for years near our families. I lost my job there about 3 years ago and had to move to the east coast for a job. Since then our relationship has been slowly deteriorating. I know she misses her family terribly (and I miss mine). She has been trying to find a satisfying job since she has been here, but has been unable to. She works mostly daycare when she can.
> 
> She seems like she is getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I have tried to get her to talk about her problems with a counselor, but when we go, it's all my fault. I do not pay enough attention to her. I do not make things special enough for her. We had a big fight yesterday about what I got her for Christmas. I got her what was on her list. At first she seemed happy about it, but as the day wore on, and the unwrapping was over, she became more and more upset about her gifts and said they were unimaginative. She said I didn't go that extra step and get her a special present.
> 
> ...


If you are new to this site, go to my profile and pick almost any of my 93 posts and see the same solution to a story much like yours.

You are letting your woman lead the relationship, and you follow her trying to appease her and do whatever she is telling you to try to make her happy. Keep this up and you both will be more and more miserable until you are wishing for the day of your death.



Here are the facts:

A woman will love and respect and be irrestibly attracted to a dominant man. The dominant man is simply this: the good man that is in control of himself and his environment.

A woman will resent a "weak man", and this is because such a man produces in her deep insecurity, and she will despise this man for these feelings.



What you need to do:

Stop being the "nice guy". This is the surest way to have a miserable, sexless marriage that is in danger of affairs or divorce.

Never walk on eggshells around your woman. Be the confident man in control that she fell in love with at all times.

Get control of yourself and your environment. Physical fitness, career, the upkeep of the home, the emotional and sexual relationship, these are all what the woman is looking for the man to take the ownership of and show he is caring for. 

Stop seeking the approval of your woman. Be calm, confident, and at ease in all situations, whether your woman is behaving or throwing a tantrum. A woman is respecting a man that is the emotional pillar, and hating the man whose emotions are blown by the wind. 


And your woman's insecurities are cured simply by this: 

Make your woman feel you can have any woman in the world, yet are desiring her. 

Also that you are happy and successful with or without her, but are desiring her to share in your happiness. 

Talk is cheap, but actions are speaking louder than words. Knock off the "you are pretty" and "you're not fat" talk, and instead show the passionate kiss, the firm spank on the rear, and plan a date once or twice a week down to the minute WITHOUT asking your woman's input. 

These things are SHOWING not telling your woman that she is desirable to you, and that she is worth you standing up and being the man for.

This will kill the insecurity in a woman.

When the womans insecurity is killed, sexual attraction will again flow like the river.

I wish you well.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

BigBadWolf has some good points. Your wife is obviously unhappy with how things are today. Perhaps you could have a family meeting with you and your kids to allow your children to also voice their concerns about her moodiness and negativity. She's pulling the family down and that's not acting like a good wife or mother.


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## daddio (Dec 26, 2009)

She won't even talk to us now. She is isolating herself in our room and won't come out. She did not even want to talk to her family from back home last night when they called. I am not sure how much more of this emotional abuse I can take. That is what it feels like to me. Even the kids are looking at her like "What is your problem". One good thing is that I have been with the kids all morning and that was nice.

I have an appt with a counselor next week and will talk to him about options. I do not want to lose her, but I cannot live like this either. I am just so tired and worn out.

How do you get her to talk about this without seeming like I am accusing her or nagging her.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

First, you are doing exactly right, by focusing on your children.

Second, it is most certainly emotional abuse. 

To do things to appease or to make your woman "happy" is futile, and will only drain your energy and build resentment on both sides.

Continue to take control of the situation just like you are doing, as in keeping the appointment with the counselor.

Also these things are happening in your woman's mind:

1. This is the first holiday for her without her mother.

2. She is feeling guilt for leaving her family, and now the loss of her mother is driving this home in overwhelming force to her.

3. She is blaming you for this, and also herself.

4. This is all very recent resentment on top of existing resentment that is from the original feelings of isolation, etc. So to her it is seeming hopeless.


For you to do is this. 

Acknowledge that these things she is feeling, you are also sharing in the grief. That it is real, and she is not wrong to feel these things.

Show her in actions, not just in deeds, you are the man in ownership of this situation and will continue to do what is in the best in interest of the family and yourself. This means your happiness and the happiness of your children are your priorities. 

Even so, communicate to your woman that you are committed to invite her to share in the happiness because you desire her, and she pleases you, not because you feel sorry for her or any other "weak" reason. 

Also to make sure you are always to show emotional strength, calm, and confident to your wife, even in times you may not feel exactly these things. Take time for yourself and your children, even to leaving your wife alone and behind at times both to grieve, and also to demonstrate to her that you, her man, is in control.

I know this is difficult. I am hoping for healing for you and your family.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm concerned that she is suffering from major depression. She might need screened and put on meds. Is she willing to get to a doctor soon?


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## lj2000 (Nov 24, 2009)

Try to step out of the conflict until you talk to a counselor and let her do what she's going to do. Take care of the kids and put the idea and hope of fixing your wife on hold for a little while. Leave her alone and carry on your own lives and stop trying to fix her. You can't. Go to therapy and ask them what to do. Try not to get in the crossfire in the meantime while also being pleasant in passing.


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## daddio (Dec 26, 2009)

Tried the doctor thing, but "she's not crazy" according to her. She refuses to discuss it with her doctor or even bring up the subject with her. I am tempted to call the doctor myself and advise her, but I am not sure the doctor would do anything with the information. I feel myself withdrawing from her emotionally and in a sense preparing myself for an end to things.

I cannot continue with things as they are and increasingly am thinking that we might have to split up. I have to focus on making myself happy now and have little strength for her drama any longer. I cannot go on living next to a volcano, wondering when the next eruption will occur. I cannot continue to walk on eggshells daily, wondering if some remark will be mistaken and start another fight. I know this sounds dramatic, and maybe I am making more out of it than I should, but I am just so tired.

Thanks for all of your advice and support.


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