# Gastricbypass surgery ended my marriage



## eastman (Dec 25, 2011)

******Being morbidly obese makes many people feel inferior and undeserving. So we often settle for less than what we truly deserve, thinking it’s the best we can do.

That's exactly how she feels. That was her out! Now she thinks I'm a loser and she settled. The nurses warned me. I was never threatened.

******Now I personally am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage. I don't believe “I'm just not happy anymore” is grounds for divorce.

She just quit on the marriage. That's ok if there are no children involved. 

The kids were only 2! She had the surgery to have children. We needed help to have the kids!! (my sperm in a cup) Why did she do this?? I left my whole family in NY for her. Now with the kids I feel trapped. I can't leave them. I love them and want to do the right thing. But I am 45. I am staying here FOR THE KIDS. Otherwise I would have bolted back east. I am extremely unhappy. Each day I wish I could leave CA. I will always despise what she did.

There is nothing I can do now. But I am bitter. We are divorced all most 2 years now. It is hard to move forward when you feel like you were used or a SUCKER. I grew up in NY. She was born and raised in Southern California. I moved out here to start a life with her. We met online. Became friends and had a long distance relationship for nearly a year before leaving NY. We drove cross country together. We were great together. I loved her personality. My philosophy was that you can always lose weight. But you either have a personality or you don't! 

Now she is seen as a phony shallow b****. Any advice?

"What a wonderful life"


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Hi there-

How did this surgery ruin your marriage? Were there no issues prior to having the surgery?

I ask because I also had gastric bypass surgery, and it also took it's toll on my marriage. However, the issue wasn't just because I was obese and had surgery. It was one of many factors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastman (Dec 25, 2011)

She told me that she had "masked her confidence". Like I said, I was not threatened. She was finally getting the attention from the opposite sex. She would flirt with a male co-worker. I was suspicious and found text messages that were about sex.

Look it's never too late to get counceling if you want to save a marriage. My X could careless. Vows? what's that. As I said, the blood is on her hands. 

FACEBOOK and other sites did not help. She became a selfish *****. The bottomline: She wanted to spread her wings and play the field. She wanted to see how it felt being "normal". I of course pay the price.

No kids, she could jump off a bridge for all I care. But now I must be a great dad in the last place I want to be. 

Don't ever have kids unless your committed. You better have a damn good reason for divorce!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. My friend had that done 7 years ago and it took our friendship of 25 years to a whole new level for a while. I had to figuratively kick her snobby ass when she lost 200 pounds! I loved her at almost 350 pounds and I loved her at 140 but her attitude SUCKED. She came around and I forgave her...but wow...did she change for a while.

So I can only imagine what it would do to a marriage.  I'm so sorry. that's crappy behaviour and completely sad.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Bottom line, she felt she could do better. She did something that she believed elevated her to a new level while, apparently, you stayed on the same level.

When the two of you met, obviously, given her former obesity, her choices were limited. But, in all fairness, chances are that if you had been given a choice between her and a woman of her same qualities who was not obese, that you would have opted, in a heartbeat, for the woman who was not obese.

These things just happen...my ex wife gained 100 pounds and I stuck with her UNTIL one day she came home feeling empowered from an Overeaters Anonymous session and the first words out of her mouth were "First I am going to lose weight and then I am going to divorce you."

Well, I thought f*** that sh** and over the next 3 months, I dropped 30 pounds, filed for divorce and within a month I was in a rebound relationship with a woman nearly a decade younger than my wife, more educated than my wife, 100 pounds younger than my wife and much better in bed than my wife...and you know what...when that rebound relationship didn't work out after 3 months, and in a moment of weakness I went crying on her shoulder and she and I got back together for 3 days, she held zero grudge but when I saw that nothing had changed, I left her for good and a month later was with someone new who was also, in my book, superior to my wife in physical attraction, education, intelligence and intimacy.

Bottom line, I discovered I could do better and never returned again and saw my divorce through to the (bitter on her part) end. No bitterness on my part, even after she took me to the cleaners in the divorce as it was worth every penny to have a second chance at life.

Sorry things didn't work out for you...all you can do now is try to make the most of it rather than losing years or a lifetime being bitter about it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Long story short, I recently started getting very uncomfortable thinking about some actions by my wife over 10 years ago. If you suspect your wife of cheating today, you can snoop. But 10 years ago? The only thing I could think of were old credit card statements (yes, I actually have some bank statements from over 20 yers ago). 

As expected, no help on what she may have been doing back then, except for one glaring exception: weekly charges for Weight Watchers. As soon as I saw those my stomach dropped to my feet. Not a smoking gun, but I saw right then that my hunch was correct. She got attractive and went out trolling for strange.

Sorry, I know that doesn't help, but I had to vent. And maybe this will add a slightly different perspective and give other husbands reading this thread additional thoughts on the subject while they become so proud of their wives losing weight.

I'll bet most people read the title to this thread and said "huh?". I knew exactly what it was going to be about.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

PS: Just noticed as I was clicking out of this thread that there was an ad for gastric bypas surgery at the top. I don't know if that's funny or cruel.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I can't speak for everyone who has had this surgery but I can speak for me. I didn't lose weight and suddenly think I could do better, I loved my H and knew he was the one for me, because he thought I was beautiful at my heaviest when 80% of other men wouldn't give me the time of day.
HE didn't like the fact that I started feeling better about myself, or that I could finally wear clothing that looked good rather than hid all of my fat. He liked having an insecure wife who would worship the ground he walked on. 

Like I said the surgery isn't the only factor in the demise of our marriage, but it did play a part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem isn't the surgery. It's the there was something deeply rotten in the person to begin with.

They lied about their true interests and desires because then they were so fat they knew they couldn't do what they wanted.

The weight loss enabled them to do what they always wanted to do.

It's like the guy who wins the lottery and buy a sports car, vs the guy who wins the lottery and keeps his old Honda. The money didn't make the first guy by the new car, it only enabled him to do what he already wanted to do.

Yeah it really sucks that she lied to you.

Nothing to keep you from trading up in the wife category however., especially at 45 - that's a great age for men because the demographics shift around then - to few men looking than women, so you can be little pickier yourself, and the women might be a little more eager.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

So move back to NY.


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## Crushed in Texas (Oct 21, 2017)

My marriage hasn't ended...yet...but, it's in the death throes. My husband planned, scheduled, and had gastric sleeve surgery, and only told me about it the night before. He did NOT need it. He's just shy of 5'11", and he weighed about 250 lbs. He never tried to lose weight, and he ate drive through/takeout regularly. He absolutely refused to eat meals with the family. No one in our family is overweight, and I cook well-balanced meals. I'm 5'8" and I weigh 117. He's an ex-special forces soldier...retired. He has the discipline to do whatever it takes to accomplish his goals, but decided that this surgery was "the fastest way from point A to B". In short, he took the easy way out. He told me that I played no part in making the decision to have the surgery. I've now watched him binge/purge...he does this in front of our 8 year old daughter. He's lost so much weight, that he resembles someone who is terminally ill. I cannot stand to see him naked. I no longer desire him. I do not respect him. Our daughter now has body-image issues. He tells me that he hasn't lost enough weight yet...he cites Army standards for a 30 year old. He's over 50. He now drinks to excess, and becomes violent and/or suicidal. I cannot live like this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It happened to a friend of mine, too. They were both morbidly obese and he had gastric bypass first. However, he loved his wife and was a solid christian, he didn't undergo much change emotionally. She had become the major breadwinner in the family, making a lot more money than him. He had been disabled many years in the past by a truck axle and springs falling on him. That was a big contributor to some of his weight gain, he became sedentary, where prior to the accident, he lifted heavy truck parts and tires every day. Losing weight was a big improvement to him physically, and he had far less pain.

She was full of resentment because of the burden this caused her, so when she had gastric bypass and became attractive to same-sex women, she divorced him and left for a lesbian relationship.

Shaggy has this exactly right. I'm sorry to learn about it and think your wife's actions are despicable.



Shaggy said:


> It's like the guy who wins the lottery and buy a sports car, vs the guy who wins the lottery and keeps his old Honda. The money didn't make the first guy by the new car, it only enabled him to do what he already wanted to do.





eastman said:


> Now she is seen as a phony shallow b****. Any advice?


Yep. Stay there while your kids need you. You won't regret that. Try to forgive her for being phony and shallow. This is not to say that you should reconcile with her, ever.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Some of my own golden rules:

1. Relationships, where the attraction levels are severely mismatched, are not sustainable. Eventually the "pretty" one "wakes up" and realizes their worth and they bolt. Even if they are the newly pretty one, it's the same result. I always advise men to keep ahead of the game and work their butt off in the gym. 

2. A relationship built on Provider points alone is not sustainable. You have to be her Lover, too. Look good, act a certain way, be fun, etc. 

Dudes tend to not wake up to the above two facts after their wife leaves them for the guy who, on paper, seems to be a complete loser... but he somehow pushes her buttons and gets her to leave the family.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your children need you, so you need to stay there. So what you need to do is to accept the situation and make the best of it instead of living with anger and resentment(which will only serve to make you feel worse.) It not as if you are having to live in a third world country is it. I am sure its got many good things going for it there, and at 45 you surely don't have to be near your wider family do you? 
Do you have friends there? Do you have hobbies, do sports, belong to groups? Get out there and make a happy life for yourself and your children when you see them. You may as well, because it will be for a long time.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I read a book about this, forgot the title.

Stock phrases like "the marriage was in trouble before the surgery, now I have the confidence to what's right for both of us" and so on.

This is the problem when you try to be open minded and engage with the out of the standard situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maggot brain said:


> So move back to NY.


He has small children who need their dad.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Zombie thread


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

dadstartingover said:


> I always advise men to keep ahead of the game and work their butt off in the gym.


That's wonderful if you do it for you and not doing it to keep an specific woman interested. Having other women cut admiring glances at you while she's in tow does more to keep her interested than most anything else. Women will hang on for dear life if they think another chick will swoop in and more completely fill the void they leave. Women like a challenge and nothing is more of a challenge than other chicks wanting what she has.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I can't imagine someone looks great after dropping hundreds of pounds with gastric bypass surgery. Loose skin and it changes the bodies bone structure and frame. That being said, this is called hypergamy, very common with women. What your ex is experiencing is not real interest from men, she's experiencing men preying on her for sex for the first time.

Stop being a victim, improve your life for yourself and start being a little selfish, you don't have to be a martyr anymore. Or sit around and moan and whine about how unfair life is. To me, it looks like you shed a pretty toxic person from your life.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

And beside, both men and women having the surgery, more often than not, balloon back to their old self. The fact they have to have the surgery usually indicates lack of self discipline.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

It's not the surgery that's to blame. It's the person that had it and their mindset. 

Years out some people gain weight and some people keep it off, some people struggle to keep it off. It takes a whole change in perspective. 

@crushedintexas; I'm sorry your husband turned to drinking and being horrible to you after his surgery. It's not fair to you or your child. 

I've read that some people replace food with alcohol after the surgery so it's not surprising, but it's pretty crappy to do that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I posted about this a while back, Jonah and the whale, analogy.

I won't do this as a repeat.
..............................................................................................

I will say this:

She always wanted to be wanted, to be pursued.
To be groomed.
To have a number of men's hands caress her and coo in her ear.
She wanted her body and her mind stroked.

I understand this and accept this.
What is not acceptable is deceit and infidelity.

She should have told you ILYBANILWY. I love you but I am not in love with you. She friend-zoned you.
Then she should have amicably divorced you. 

Once the divorce was final; the ink dry on the divorce papers, she should have then called forth the hands, the lips and the #6 pencils.
It still would have been selfish, since you have children and you paid for the gastric bypass surgery.
Selfish but acceptable.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The balance of a relationship is almost always thrown off by a change in sexual status of one partner. Whether it's sudden lost of excess weight or getting a boob job / tummy tuck the effect is the same, a partner will think that they're too good for their partner and want to go in the market to shop for an upgrade. 

Both sexes can be guilty of this, but I find that women are WAY more likely to feel this way. Another thing that can contribute to this is if all of the sudden the wife's career takes off while her husband stagnates or worst yet, he becomes a SAHD. 

You can even see it on shows like " The Biggest Loser " or the Extreme Makeover. The wives that were all in love with their over weight husband at the beginning of the season had body language that betrayed their thoughts towards the end of the season, when they saw their husband was not changing also. The husbands that were at home doing their own self improvement fared much better. 

So what is the lesson? Always work on improving yourself. If you fall behind, someone can come and pull your partner from you so don't get too comfortable.


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## Cormano (Aug 22, 2017)

damn, this thread is from 2011


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Great thread.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

I’m a bit shocked about this. Comparing myself and my husband, I can say that I’m more attractive while he has extra weight. I can probably get someone with better looks and education but I choose to be with my husband not because I’m settling but because I love him. We’ve been together for more than a decade. We’ve built memories, overcame some issues together. We have a comfortable marriage where we can talk about many things. Of course our relationship has issues, a few long term ones and we even got a counselor. But we have so much together.

I can’t relate to this easiness to change my husband with someone else at all. It’s not about getting a better one, it’s about having built such a unique, irreplaceable bond with someone you’ve been together for years.


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