# Husband would rather separate than honour his vows



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

We have been married for over 6 years and have a child together. We have been havin issues communicating and he has been challenging our vows for about 9 months now. He has been rude, disrespectful and hostile for a reason I can't figure out. He has been tempted by other women, drug & alcohol issues, fights about money, parenting, the list goes on and on. I am not and haven't felt a connection in a long time, since he started "testing" our vows and my boundaries. He has been acting like a teenager!

Anytime there is a disagreement or a fight, he threatens our marriage. I am not his first wife, he's been married before and fails to take ownership of it failing. His best buddy and his wife have a similar situation, their marriage ended and he gets advice from him often. 

I realize now that we are not on the same page with things in life and he'd rather break up our family than be held accountable for honouring his vows. I have been trying everything I can to make change and improvements, and he's not meeting me half way. We have been to counselling several times and he won't go anymore because he has been told he is in the wrong & is doing damage. The lines of communication have been cut now and it leaves me feeling stuck and confused. 

This leaves us with where we are now. Our marriage has been depleted of patience, kindness, admiration and love (from him I mean... how I feel). We aren't talking and he is ignoring me and our daughter. A couple of nights ago, we had another argument and haven't spoken since. I think he broke up with me by text. 

I sent him a message to let him know I'd pick up our daughter from daycare unless he already has, and didn't expect the reply that followed. He said we have to sort fhrough our mess because he is finished and would not be home that night as would be with his buddy (that I mentioned earlier). I replied and said, "oh?" I haven't seen or heard from him since. He has been home when I haven't been and didn't come home last night either.

I am carrying on as I would normally and have no idea what is going on. Our daughter has been asking about and for him too, so I am struggling with that too. I don't know when I'll see him or if he'll say anything. Does this mean it's really over?

Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Get a lawyer. This man doesn't love or respect you, and he has left you to look after your daughter alone. I would have zero respect for him. 

I think you should move on, get some counselling and get your life in order. 

You deserve better.
Good luck,


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry about what's happening to you. Yes it sounds like he's moved on. Don't make contact with him. See a lawyer, begin to focus on you and your daughter.

You suggested there might be an affair. Do you have any proof of it?

This man is taking advantage of you. He's playing mind games, that's just not right. Don't let him do that to you.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> Sorry about what's happening to you. Yes it sounds like he's moved on. Don't make contact with him. See a lawyer, begin to focus on you and your daughter.
> 
> You suggested there might be an affair. Do you have any proof of it?


He came home a few hours ago at nearly 5am. he was out drinking again I'm sure. He was loud, banged around in the kitchen and then went to sleep. 
I can't not have contact with him as we own our house together & I can't leave. I work partly from home and don't have family here. He has options! I figure if he wants out, then he can go.
Does that sound right? I have to work today and our daughter will be waking up soon.
Should I leave him a note that asks him to move out, as we aren't speaking?
Also, I don't have confirmation he cheated, only saw her pic in his phone, Facebook communication & emails for work related stuff and that was months ago. Not enough to go on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't move out. Tell him if he can't be a husband then he can go.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Don't move out. Tell him if he can't be a husband then he can go.


:iagree:

When I finally got my STBXH to go to counseling, she was the one to suggest the separation. He thought about it, and decided that we should separate and he should be the one to move out. 

I don't know if that would work for you, but it's worth a shot?

EDIT: For some more context, I was like you -- very unhappy, but I had made vows and was intent on honoring them. My STBXH hadn't been honoring his vows for a long time by this point. He hadn't been unfaithful (yet), but the "love, honor, cherish, etc." were long gone for him by that point.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Let him leave!! You're better off being alone than being with someone who is there to make your life miserable. 

No man nor woman deserves to ever be treated this way especially from a spouse who vowed to honor and cherish you? I see far too many people holding on , being miserable and letting the years go by. Things at times are meant to happen ..... allow it to happen and who knows you just may then meet your actual soulmate?


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

He's been home all day & in bed. He hasn't said anything, only spoken when he has to for our little one. I have taken my rings off & need him to leave. How do I get him to do this? He has places he can stay. Suggestions???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Maybe ask so done to come over for support and then ask him politely to leave. 

If he won't pack up his things and leave them out the front and change the locks (if you can).


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

aquajay said:


> He's been home all day & in bed. He hasn't said anything, only spoken when he has to for our little one. I have taken my rings off & need him to leave. How do I get him to do this? He has places he can stay. Suggestions???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not too sure what you should say to him since I've never had to do something like you need to do but maybe just talk to him without the kids around. Tell him that you are no longer willing to live with him with way he's behaving. Tell him you really think it would be better if he moves out and gives the two of you some space.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Well, I left him a note on the stairs (near the front door) asking him to leave, reminding him this is his choice. He replied & said our house is big enough for 2, by text. So I replied & said it's too stressful & hard for our daughter (as his daughter usually is at her mom's-16 yrs). He replied & said he needs time to think, but that he would respect me. I can't play games & I certainly don't want our daughter exposed to all if his crap, the stress & hostility & the conflict. He plans on doing laundry tomorrow & I'd going to find a place to stay. I told him it's too difficult to text about parenting, thru this difficult time & he suggested we chat in a couple of days. 

I was also going to mention that I live in Canada, and every province has different laws. I will be calling to begin the legals for our separation today, 😒I get the feeling he's struggling with his decision & know that no matter what, I can't remain married to someone who doesn't honour their vows. 

How do people cope with this transition period?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you're a very strong woman . I'm very impressed at your decisiveness . 

what province are you in ?

regarding the house , when he moves out establish rules about his coming and going . if you can just come and go as she pleases it will cause you continue to stress . do you think she would honor and agreement to enter the house at prearranged times only ?

my feeling is that you should hit him hard to wake him up . his idiot buddy is no friend of the family . how did that guy's divorce go ? I'm asking because how his divorce went will influence your husband . 
why did your husbands previous marriage fail ? has he cheated in previous relationships ? 

if clearly established that you don't want to remain married to him if he continues to behave this way . that's awesome ! those firm boundaries will serve you well .

if he straightens up and has not cheated do you want to remain married ? if he straightens up but cheated? 

the way your husband is behaving since you gave him the note suggest a change in his thinking . but I also wonder if there's some guilt in there . perhaps for something he did while you were apart. he's saying that he will respect you is what concerns me . he's been such a jerk that I would expect that kind of hostility and disrespect to continue . 

I could be wrong . He might have just had enough sobriety to allow enough reflection to realize how bad he is screwing up. 

I believe that if you continue to show the strength that you have shown you will have no regrets . you aren't afraid to take control of your life. your daughter has an excellent mom . and you have an excellent self . I'm very sorry for what you are experiencing but I must say that you make me smile . I so wish more people would act with your resoluteness. 

I hope you have a good day . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to see an attorney before you move out. Staying somewhere for a few days is ok. But actually moving out needs to be planned with an attorney. 

Now I doubt your husband will do this as he does not seem to care, but if you move out with your child he can get a court order for you to return your child to the family home. This is what happened with me. So be careful.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Vows are worthless. They are more like an acknowledgement that some lawyer(s) will make a lot of money off you.

Took 22 years for my legal bill to come due but they all seem to come due. My WAW's vows were lies. She is incapable of promising anything or being honest with a partner. A breach of contract and I am going to get the bill, BS.

Learn from the past, live an awesome current and future,
Stretch


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