# Older couple living together ... difficulty with family members.



## Older (Nov 21, 2021)

I am baffled so I need somewhere to bounce this off of.
Thank you for reading.
I am 63 and my partner is 69.
Two years ago I moved in with him on his farm.
I pay for the groceries, cook, clean, maintain my car and help him with the renovations.
I have been divorced twice, and have 3 grown children.
First husband was dishonest, a thief and narcissistic.
I left him after 10 years. 
Second husband has mental illness, is ADD, an alcoholic and does not want to work.
I left him after 20 years.
I remained on my own for 16 years in order to examine my choices in partners.
I then met a wonderful man 5 years ago.
My children are pleased with my choice of this partner, respect him and treat him like a family member.
My partner left his wife in 2005 due to her infidelity.
He has now obtained a divorce.
He has 3 grown daughters.
His oldest daughter (age 39) and his 4 granddaughters have moved over to the other side of the farmhouse, due to a marriage breakup.
It is a very bitter breakup.
His middle daughter (age 37) is happily married, and has a family with 3 young boys.
His youngest daughter (age 30) lives with her mother and has a little girl.
I get along well with the oldest daughter and the door is ALWAYS open for their visits.
The youngest daughter is being used by her mother, to contact her father to do work around her mother's house
The stories I have heard from my partner seem to suggest that both mother and daughter show signs of being bipolar. 
That is the background information.

It is his middle daughter that is causing some difficulty.
She has had 3 heated discussions (that my partner has told me about) informing him that he should be doing things for his family (not mine) as his family comes first.
I believe this is because my youngest son's fiance was gifted with a motor home from her parents.
My son needed a place to park it, so my partner offered to set it up on his property and asked him if he would stay in it to help him out with the farm.
My son also has a handyman business that allows him the time to assist my partner.
He pays rent to store the motorhome here, and then is paid by my partner for the farm help.
This is helping my son and his fiance save for a down payment on a home, and helping my partner get work done around the farm.

My partner has high blood pressure and a heart aneurysm which is being monitored by a heart specialist.
I try to keep stress out of this house, as his life depends on it.
However his family is making it very difficult.
Communication is not something that his family do not partake in.
Can someone help me understand how best to deal with his second daughter.
I know when children are young they struggle with the fantasy that their mother and father will get back together and be a family unit again.
I have been there .... twice, and I have made counselling a priority so that my children will move forward in a healthy manner.
However, at the age of 37 should my partners second daughter not be past this.
I am open to constructive criticism on how to address this.
Thank you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My own experience is that children remain children, no matter what their age really is, when it comes to wanting their parents together. His middle daughter is jealous and that is unlikely to change. I doubt that she cares how it stresses her father because she apparently thinks life is more about what she wants than how that affects his health.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Presumably the daughter knows about his health situation?

To be honest I can't see why your husband should be expected to help out his ex in her house. They have been apart a long time now.
As for your son, again I can't see what is wrong about that situation.
Can you and your partner talk to her and maybe her husband together?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husbands ex is no longer his family. Middle daughter needs to understand this.

Perhaps she needs to be told that your son pays rent to store the van there, and that he works on the farm. It's none of her business really, but it might make her pipe down.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with Diana -- I think you and your partner need to discuss this make a plan to talk with the middle daughter. You and he should be on the same page BEFORE talking with her.
I don't see how she can have issues with YOUR son being on the farm and helping out (esp. since he's paying to rent the space for the RV). Does HIS middle daughter come over and help on the farm?


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