# I think my mother has dementia. What do I do?



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

My mom, age 79, lives in another state so I can't monitor her. She has a husband who's a decent man. Mom and I are extremely close. We enjoy an honest, communicative, loving relationship. We talk several times a week.

She's a hoarder. Her husband is, too. Tons of food storage among many other things. She doesn't rotate it like she should. I fear she'll eat something and get very sick. Her fridge is worse. I was there a few years ago and she had things that were 5 years old. I threw them out and just recently told her about it to defend my sister about an argument about the old food. Just a few bottles of salad dressing and some condiments. Mom's pretty upset.

Lots of other incidents, but it would be a novel.

I think she has dementia. But she's always been flaky, though, so it's hard to tell. She's reverting back to very childish ways, is super stubborn and argumentative, and defensive.

I have no idea what to do. :crying:


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

To start you could use this website to find your local Area Agency on Aging, a government program. Ask them for help to find resources and advice on your mom. Maybe your sister can help your mom get information and help from her local AAA. 

Find AAA's and SUAs

You will need to concentrate on getting professional help and education for you and your siblings if you are going to help your mom. 

A simple doctor's appointment can get her started on a quick dementia test or a referral to doctor who specializes in that area.

The hoarding is very hard on family members. You'll have to make sure you and your sister can stand back, help your mom as much as she will allow and remember she is an adult and you cannot make her do anything until she accepts help. 

Put your fears into perspective, does it help if you worry about the food rotation? Your mom has gotten along so far the way she is doing it. 

*hugs* I know it is sad, but get help so you will have some support to do this difficult task.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hoarding isn't dementia. Hoarding is an anxiety/control issue related to OCD.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Hoarding is defined as an unhealthy emotional attachment to physical things. It's a mental health syndrome that falls under the OCD umbrella.

It has nothing to do with dementia. Throw something out on a hoarder their symptoms only get worse. Hoarding stems from an emotional or psychological trauma the person has suffered either in childhood or adulthood.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Runs like Dog said:


> Hoarding isn't dementia. Hoarding is an anxiety/control issue related to OCD.


Wow You're totally right. I feel dumb for not realizing the differentiation, but thank you nonetheless.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

It will be hard to know if it's the dementia that is making her stubborn and defensive or the hoarding. Still, so many people her age develop dementia that I would strongly suggest your mom get tested. The question is, would she resist being tested? If you can frame it that you are just being a good daughter and that it's very common for people her age, maybe she would? It should be a standard screening for people her age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If she has dementia then all I can tell you is to have a lot of patience and remember not to take anything personal when they get angry.

My mother had it and drove me crazy. Accused me of stealing her money and told the whole family that I was a thief. She asked me to be a co signer for her checking account and savings so we went to the bank and the manager explained it all to her and my mother agreed to it and the next day I got a real ugly phone call from her and her saying I was stealing from her. That was just one of many things and I had to grin and bare it for years. Just remember it's not her fault. It's a lousy illness that they didn't ask for.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

When my mom started going downhill I called her doctor. Mom had thyroid issues most of her adult life, and the MD said he would check that out before anything else. I knew the MD personally and I wasn't asking him to reveal any confidential information. In these situations, most MDs would like a little heads up from a family member because someone with dementia can't seek out help.

With mom it started with simple things, Like she asked "what's that time of year when things get all colorful?" then her car keys would end up in the freezer. The last straw was when we were out running errands and she had to ask directions to get home. Yikes.

Also, there are different types of dementia. Mom had vascular dementia (she smoked). My father had lewy body dementia-which is kind of like parkinsons and dementia combined. (And he also smoked). They can benefit from different types of care.

Stick your nose in her business and get her evaluated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Going through a very similar situation with my MIL. Very heartbreaking and hard decisions about basic care need to be made.

My FIL is apathetic and in denial so we have been taking matters out of his hands.

Very tough and you have my sympathies.

Maybe your mom is just getting more cantankerous.

I hope so anyway. Dementia sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

My mom is 84 and has been on meds for dementia for the past four. It's so much better now than at the beginning when we noticed so many odd behaviors. My poor sister took the brunt of most of mom's ugliest displays. 

Be patient and loving towards good ole mom. 

The hoarding is hopefully temporary, mine was! 

Bibi


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Can you help her find home care for herself?


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