# I will never be good enough



## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I will never be good enough, I will never make him happy. It's pointless. Last night, I was totally side swiped by him. He flew off the handle because of something so trivial I just feel like there's no point in even trying. He calls me selfish, unreliable, he can never count on me etc etc. Never mind that even though I work 45 min from home (while he works at home), am 90% responsible for caring for the kids, do all the household chores while he sits and drinks night after night, I am the one who is unreliable. Went to bed last night thinking like "WTF"?:scratchhead:

Just want to bang my head on my desk until this makes sense.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Sorry you are having a bad day..

Are you good enough for you? that should be your real concern and where you should start. You are not in charge of his happiness nor is he for yours.

You have to be happy with yourself 1st in life, then you can be happy with someone else, but your happiness is not dependant on someone else....it comes from within, something I'm leanring myself, it is a long hard road, full of struggles,learning,growth,failures, some ups, smiles,laffs, and some downs, tears and sadness...I will get there eventually and so can you.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Thank you for your reply strugglinghusband. I actually think I am good enough. Not perfect - not by a long shot, but I know that I'm not the horrible person my husband makes me out to be. And I would like my husband to see that too. But how do I make that happen? I would like to be appreciated for the things I do, rather than be criticized at every opportunity for the things I'm not perfect at. I know marriage is a partnership, and it's equal give and take, but what do you when one person is completely incapable of acknowledging any effort on the part of the other person. 

I've suggested Marriage Counselling in the past, only to be met with "that won't help since the only problems in our relationship are because of you". I'm not saying that I don't contribute to our problems, but is it really possible for all the problems of a marriage to be the result of solely one person?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Jeanie said:


> Thank you for your reply strugglinghusband. I actually think I am good enough. Not perfect - not by a long shot, but I know that I'm not the horrible person my husband makes me out to be. And I would like my husband to see that too. But how do I make that happen? I would like to be appreciated for the things I do, rather than be criticized at every opportunity for the things I'm not perfect at. I know marriage is a partnership, and it's equal give and take, but what do you when one person is completely incapable of acknowledging any effort on the part of the other person.
> 
> I've suggested Marriage Counselling in the past, only to be met with "that won't help since the only problems in our relationship are because of you". I'm not saying that I don't contribute to our problems, but is it really possible for all the problems of a marriage to be the result of solely one person?


What do you do about it? stand up for yourself, you do not deserve to be berated, why do you let it happen? he does it because you let him, no consequences...you dont have to be a ***** about it, but you can stand your ground. No the problems of a marriage are not soley just from one person. 

Yes its an equal partnership, you are in charge of your side, he is in charge of his side, you can not control his side, dont let him control your side...you mentioned MC and he wont go and says the problems are you, well ok then go to IC for yourself, if he gives you a hard time you can tell him "hey you said the problems are me and I'm dealing with mine at IC", thousand to one odds his jaw will hit the floor.

More importantly, what do YOU want to do about it.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Some others will be jumping in here real soon, to give and offer better advice than me on how to proceed and give you all kinds of ideas and different perspectives... educate yourself, read...learn.make a good plan for whats best for YOU!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Are you sure there isn't some kind of depression going on? When a person starts to drink consistently and ignore household duties sometimes they're brain is entering or in depression.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Jeanie said:


> is it really possible for all the problems of a marriage to be the result of solely one person?


Only if they are married to themselves. But the capability to take the initiative in solving these inevitable problems usually resides far more in one spouse than the other and (unfortunately for you) they need to lead the relationship.

Tell him to straighten up or quit drinking or both. Until the effect of alcohol is removed from your emotional relationship, it will be almost impossible to make progress. He can drink and act OK or he can be sober and act bad but he can't drink and act bad.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the question you should be asking


are you happy with him?


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Sounds like it's 180 time Jeanie. For your husband to be indicating that the only problems in your relationship are because of you means he's putting himself on a pedestal and not taking any responsibility himself for your marriage.

See how big of a man he is when he's not getting an ounce of emotional or physical attention from you when you're 180-ing his azz.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jeanie said:


> Thank you for your reply strugglinghusband. I actually think I am good enough. Not perfect - not by a long shot, but I know that I'm not the horrible person my husband makes me out to be. And I would like my husband to see that too. But how do I make that happen? I would like to be appreciated for the things I do, rather than be criticized at every opportunity for the things I'm not perfect at. I know marriage is a partnership, and it's equal give and take, but what do you when one person is completely incapable of acknowledging any effort on the part of the other person.
> 
> I've suggested Marriage Counselling in the past, only to be met with "that won't help since the only problems in our relationship are because of you". I'm not saying that I don't contribute to our problems, but is it really possible for all the problems of a marriage to be the result of solely one person?


That sucks. It sounds like he thinks he is blameless/faultness and that does not make a two-way relationship. 

I never understand people who won't get counselling/try to work on their marriage/relationship if they are vested in it at all. 

Talk to him about how you feel.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replies. To address a couple of the questions raised:

1) Is he depressed - he has struggled on and off for years with depression, and has just recently gone back on medication. I have to say I haven't seen a huge improvement since he has started but it's only been a few weeks, so I'm still hopeful. 

2) Am I happy with him - yes and no. Yes when he's being less critical of me, and we are able to concentrate on the wonderful life we've built together. No, when all he can concentrate on are my faults and my shortcomings (obviously). I honestly have to plan my actions and my movements based on how I think he will react. I feel I have to walk on eggshells in order to prevent conflict because, once he starts, he won't let go. 

3) Why do I put up with his behaving this way? I don't think I can this one honestly. I don't know why I do. Somewhere along the way I've lost part of myself, the part that used to have a spine. I'm without any family support nearby, and with two kids it's hard to get up enough nerve to stand up for myself properly without an "escape route". 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. Keep them coming. I'm at a point where I know I need to grow a spine, and I will need all the support I can get.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Get your self into some type of IC, or a support group to help you deal with his depression.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

He might have a condition like depression or some other. There may be many conditions that he suffers from. None of them are any excuse to verbally, emotionally, and mentally abuse you the way he does. 

It doesn't seem you view it as abuse, but that's exactly what it is. And your responses - fear of setting him off, walking on eggshells, doubting yourself, believing or wondering if he's right about you, second guessing yourself, losing who you are as a person, etc. - are direct reaction to living with abuse. They are common responses of an abused person, just as his tongue lashings are common to abusers. People sometimes mistakenly think it's only abuse if he hits you, but that's not true. Many forms of mis/ill treatment fall under abuse and domestic violence. Google "abuse" or "abusive men" or "abusive relationships" or any similar criteria so you can read and understand what is happening to you.

You can call 211 or the Domestic Violence Hotline for a shelter near you. I know you don't want to hear anyone suggest leaving your husband, but there is really nothing else that can be done, except to stay there and continue taking his abuse, which will escalate and increasingly get worse. Since you don't want to hear that, what you can do right now is call a domestic violence shelter to talk with a counselor. Many dv shelters offer counseling services for free, and most of them conduct group sessions and support groups. You will be able to see how common abuse is and how destructive it is to your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth, and you'll be able to hear the experiences of other women in your same situation.

You don't have to keep taking his verbal, emotional, and psychological battering. That he does is terrible of him. If you keep putting up with it is terrible of you. You need to read as much as you can and talk to a counselor in order to learn what to do when he gets this way. Someone suggested you should stand your ground, but that is very bad advice even though I'm sure that member means well. I have no doubt you've already experienced what happens when you stand up to him. He only gets worse - louder, more aggressive and ferocious, more accusing, more everything. This is the reason you feel run down and run over by him and have lost your spine - because it is not possible to win, or to get a word in edgewise, or even be heard. The more you try, the more he uses your own words against you. No, standing up to him only causes the bad situation to escalate into something he will be unable to control because it becomes increasingly more necessary for him to win and to show how superior he is. This is the reason you need help from professionals. People here may have good intentions, but they are not professionals at this kind of thing. Their good intention to offer you good advice could all too easily get you killed or very badly hurt at the least.

At the same time, you cannot continue to cowtow to him, continue to be abused by him, and continually lose your own sense of self. This is the reason the only thing a woman can do is leave. Although leaving may sound out of the question to you as a solution, the suggestion is not necessarily intended as a final outcome. Normally, leaving serves to wake the man up out of his superior stupor, and he realizes the damage his behavior has caused. Instead of having to leave for good and lose your family structure (which is what you fear most), the greater likelihood is he won't want to lose his family and will then become willing to work on the marriage. He will promise to do everything under the sun, including marriage counseling and not drinking anymore. But, you cannot believe him. The promises will be shallow and insincere and only meant to get his way at the moment. If you return at this time, all the changes he promised will last about two weeks, and then he will gradually return to his old ways. It would be wise to make him commit to all his promises of change by not returning until he has proven sincerity. He has to attended a couple months of individual counseling, AA Meetings, and marriage counseling and fully participate before you agree to come back into the home and resume married life with him.

Additionally, you have to leave for the sake of your children if you have any. The way their father treats their mother is awful for them to witness. Growing up in this environment gives them a false sense of how marriages is supposed to be. If you have boys, they learn to abuse and disrespect women. If you have girls, they learn to tolerate abuse and to have low self-esteem. On top of that, they learn to disrespect their mother because they live in a home where their mother is constantly disrespected.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> the question you should be asking are you happy with him?


I totally agree. The OP is being emotionally abused and that needs to stop... pronto.

But I see another question that really needs to be asked:

_Is he happy with her?_

While I'm at it, I have another question... and this is an honest legitimate question. I don't do the "insinuation" thing.

The OP's story was pretty one-sided. That always sets off alarm bells in my head. Sure, sometimes reality is like that. But usually not so much. So my second question is, 

_"How is the OP contributing to this?"_

Again, to be crystal clear... that is NOT a blame the victim thing. It's more intended to be a look in the mirror reality check.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jeanie said:


> Last night, I was totally side swiped by him. He flew off the handle because of something so trivial I just feel like there's no point in even trying. He calls me selfish, unreliable, he can never count on me etc etc. ... *he sits and drinks night after night* ... Just want to bang my head on my desk until this makes sense.


Jeanie, I hope you come back to TAM. And to the posters here, have any of you been married to an addict? I mean, specifically, someone addicted to drugs and/or alcohol?

If not, we have a name for you: "normies." I do not mean that in an offensive name-calling way. But everytime I hear someone come on here and talk about a spouse who is drinking too much and blame-shifting, my antennae go up.

Jeanie, you may have an alcoholic on your hands.  If he already suffers from depression, alcohol will exacerbate that condition. Why? Because alcohol is a depressant.

For the well-meaning normies on this thread, let me tell you that until you have been taking the lid off the toilet to find a bottle of booze, chased people down dark alleys, counted the number of pills in a bottle, or any other crazy things, you will not "hear" what sounds like alcoholism.

No, I am not THE expert on alcoholism and/or codependency. But I spent over 15 years of my life in the padded cell with an addict. I hear the blame-shifting, lack of responsibility, and the ability to make the OP feel like a piece of sh!t coming through her post.

She sounds like she is being overly responsible and carrying a huge burden of guilt she does not deserve. Why? Because an alkie is pushing her buttons. Why? Becaues he feels like a piece of sh!t himself, so he projects his own crummy self-image and guilt onto her.

Jeanie, I got side-swiped to the point that I would just stand there, slack-jawed, wondering if I was losing my grip on reality.

I believe you have a drunk on your hands. Sure, I could be wrong. But I'm hearing the traits coming through your post. Are you totally not to blame? Nope. But you are being manipulated by him to work his side of the street. He has you hooked.

You need to get un-hooked.

More later if you return.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

People who do this to their loved ones are mentally ill but will never get help (almost never). They are so weak inside, they feel the need to put others down to make themselves feel big and bad. Their behavior is hurtful and evil, however, you need to focus on yourself. You will never make this person happy because he doesn't know how to be happy. 

This is a classic sign of emotional abuse and can do much damage, as you are already questioning if YOU are good enough. This person is not GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Jumping through hoops will do nothing but get you tired. It may take you years to find yourself again and leave, but most of your youth will be gone. Never give someone your youth and your peace of mind. 

It's good you see the problem and reached out for help. Great first step. Some will even suggest marriage counseling, but with a person like your husband, they don't think they are wrong, it is all YOU. The better idea is to get some individual counseling to find your voice again. Get the tools you need to deal with this person. Ask if you are happy living with him. Will your life be better without him in it? I know it is scary, but if you do the work, you could have a beautiful life just waiting for you and leave Mr. Negative behind.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like your husband is taking advantage of you or being a bit domineering and unfair. That's belittling. He shouldn't hold you to a higher standard than he holds himself. It's exploitative. That double standard is not good.

I think you should go see a counselor to build yourself back up a little. You sound like you're doing quite a lot and he' just draining you. It will be helpful for you to have someone to talk to that's independent and a pro and will be able to help you navigate this. I know what you're going through and you know something is a little off balance, so I'd suggest you find out how to get balance back.


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## Jeanie (Nov 14, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. Everything you're saying makes perfect sense, I just have to accept it. I have tried in the past to go to individual counselling when H has refused MC, but honestly...it always come back to the counsellor wanting to meet the husband, and basically turn it into MC. At that point I stop going because I don't feel it's worth it any longer. But maybe I should try again. 

I'm just so extremely frustrated if that he would just take himself down off his pedastal, we could actually be happy. It's so sad that when he travels for work, I'm actually relieved because I can let my guard down for a few days, and not have to worry about what I say, or what I do. I've tried to point out to my husband that the fact that my life is not in any way harder when he's gone, and what that says of his involvement with the kids, only to be met with threats of divorce because of how cruel I am to say such things. 

Sorry, I tend to go on tangents once I get started because there is no one else I can really tell all this too. 

And BTW...I will again admit I'm not perfect. I have huge communication issues, I'm not "there" for my husband in the ways that he would like....but I feel like I at least try. 

Again, thanks for the words of wisdom. Makes me feel a little more sane that I'm not the only one who sees something wrong with my marriage.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Jeanie said:


> I actually think I am good enough. Not perfect - not by a long shot, but I know that I'm not the horrible person my husband makes me out to be. And I would like my husband to see that too. But how do I make that happen? I would like to be appreciated for the things I do, rather than be criticized at every opportunity for the things I'm not perfect at.


Hi Jeanie. Some people are stuck like you are in this kind of situation. They don't know what they want, kind of lost in all their feelings. You, you exactly know what you want. You want to be appreciated for what you are, not be criticized no more.
Great, so having that in mind, What's need to happen?
Are you sure you don't know how to make your husband appreciate you? You have all the answers inside of you. Why do you think your husband seems to see all the little details, all the negative details? What is behind this you think? You know, you husband only has one perspective, only one way to see you. There is other perspectives. Positive, optimist point of view. How can you make him switch is perspective? Is he seeing only you that way or does he see all the world like this?


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

This is the problem you will not be good in your eyes ever and who knows you as such think of myself if you tell yourself I will not be good enough never is the proper start you effortlessly


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