# At what point can a reconciled marriage after infidelity be considered successful?



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

At what point can a reconciled marriage after infidelity be considered successful? How does a BS go from feeling the infidelity was/is a horrible black spot on the marriage to viewing it as a huge challenge that we overcame in our marriage, where love won in the end? A victory, a happy ending to the story of the marriage?

For the most part FWH and I are moving on, triggers far and few, living a marriage that is way better than pre-DDay, in a much happier, more intimate and fulfilling state but...

...every once and a while, the blues overcome me and all I can think of are those past years where the love he should have felt for me was all but non-existent; where dishonesty and deceit ruled the day.

How does the BS re-spin the ugly reality into the victory of a marriage redeemed?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

allwillbewell said:


> How does the BS re-spin the ugly reality into the victory of a marriage redeemed?


The past can not be re-spun. It happened and nothing will ever change that. While the events may soften over time, they will be forever present to some degree. Triggers will occasionally occur and trust will flutter in strength.

It can however serve as a benchmark to measure how far you've come. That is something to be proud of as most marriages that encounter infidelity don't survive. The couples that come out on the other side of infidelity together have accomplished a great feat, survived a great loss and typically have built a better relationship.

There are lots of factors/events that could signal "success", but I suppose it is up to the individuals to define those. Off the top of my head I would list the following.

Rebuilding of trust
An end to triggering
Re-entering into a healthy sex life
Establishment and respect for marital boundaries
Complete transparency with each other
Enhanced communication and empathy
Being "in love" again
Full and complete remorse for what happened
Letting go of the past

Any or any combination of the above could signal success but I think it really boils down to what you feel in your heart. From you post, you seem to have made good progress but have not experienced closure yet.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> *At what point can a reconciled marriage after infidelity be considered successful?* How does a BS go from feeling the infidelity was/is a horrible black spot on the marriage to viewing it as a huge challenge that we overcame in our marriage, where love won in the end? A victory, a happy ending to the story of the marriage?
> 
> For the most part FWH and I are moving on, triggers far and few, living a marriage that is way better than pre-DDay, in a much happier, more intimate and fulfilling state but...
> 
> ...


The R will be a success when you believe it to be. No one can tell you when it's ok....but you. 

The blues will come and go...your past is a part of you and always will be. Time will lessen the sting. Perspective, over that time, will give you the tools to over come the blues.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think that is entirely up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

The cynical part of me would say; it's when you or your WS are lying on your/their death bed, and you know, that for all the years since your R began, your WS has never cheated on you again. 

The optimistic side of me would say; you're there, if you're happier together than you were before Dday.

The answer is likely somewhere in the middle. So, I'll defer to Amplexor's excellent post.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would say that the perception of success is as individual as fingerprints. To some there will never be success and to others it seems to come rather easily, all things considered. I believe that success can be proclaimed when the WS has shown, sufficient to the BS, true remorse and a willingness to make amends at whatever personal cost and the BS can find real happiness in the union. Although rare I do believe it possible if both parties are completely committed 100%.

In regards to the melancholy you feel from time to time. Nothing can eradicate it completely but perhaps consider it this way. Everything has a price and if the marriage you end up with is more secure, more stable and better in almost every way then the price extracted, although high, still represents a good value. In other words, if you would not trade the marriage you have now in exchange for all of the pain you endured, then I would proclaim success, although do not forget that marriage is dynamic and changes are the only constant so vigilance would be indicated.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I guess my question is, does reconciliation end? For the most part I think reconciliation is such a big component to the marriage that you are reconciling for the length of the marriage. As a BS I don't feel I will ever fully get over infidelity, but that I will always be reconciling due to infidelity. From the actions my wife has shown, she will be forever reconciling also. Many emotions are felt to this day, many times it feels like yesterday that I had the affair confirmed. For that reason I don't think reconciliation ends. 

Each day you are in your marriage you are striving for the marriage to be stronger, happier, and better all around. So to me, that means you are in a way, reconciling. Reconciliation doesn't end if you are still working to improve the marriage. What happens if you feel your marriage is happy and you both start to taper off your efforts? You would be returning to reconciliation the moment you realize both spouses have become stagnant. I think that's the only way that reconciliation really ends, when both spouses stop trying to better the marriage. 

At times I feel overwhelmed at the thought of reconciliation ending. At other times I'm overwhelmed for continuing to try to reconcile. Remember reconciliation is about improving the marriage, not the spouses. IC is for the spouses to work on becoming a better you, IC has nothing to do with a better marriage. You could say if one betters them self that the marriage is better, but truthfully when one betters them self it was for them. They become a better person to deal with infidelity and reconciliation. You don't become a better person because of MC or reconciliation. You become a better person for you. 

In MC the client is the marriage, not the spouses. The spouses are the token of the marriage. The spouses work towards the same goal of making the marriage better. The spouses reconcile the marriage and not themselves. So as the spouses work to improve the marriage reconciliation really never ends. It's a daily factor that is worked on for the marriage. 

I am only fifteen months into reconciliation, at times it feels like fifteen years. I have a long way to go, and to be truthful I have been ready to throw in the towel on several occasions. Reconciliation is very difficult and not for the weak. You have to give everything you have, even when you feel you have nothing left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

IMO, it's that final day when you look back and finally say

It was worth the gamble.

Or

WTF, I stayed for this....

It's an ongoing fight forever IMO. Even without infidelity, it's still hit or miss. If it's good, keep going at it. If it's bad, try to fix it. If it can't be fixed, jump ship or sink with it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I just read through all your posted threads and here are my thoughts:




You never really answered the question : "Why did you stay with her after what she did?" - you were clearly not happy with her still lying about it and protecting the other man. So why?


She never told you the truth - till this day! She says it wasn't physical when you know that it was. She won't tell you who or where he is. Won't provide truthful details etc.


She is not remorseful - she tells you to shut up and drop it when you want to talk about it, saying its in the past. She even gets angry when you bring it up and belly dances round your questions.


You were and are plan B and you know it - it's eating away at you. She was ready to leave you for him and was behaving like he was hers - warning off all his other gf's. She probably still misses him and has already protected him from you.


She used your petty revenge affair to feel good about herself and thinks that you are even now. It helped her to get over it and the guilt is gone while you still suffer.


You now think of her as "used" or soiled goods and she is no longer special to you. And you don't respect her anymore.


Is it any surprise that there is awkwardness in your sex with her?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Allwillbewell
> At what point can a reconciled marriage after infidelity be considered successful?


Amp did a very good job of listing the evidence of a successful reconciliation.


I will just add that in some cases you will have to SETTLE FOR LESS. That will not apply if you had a very bad relationship before the affair then you both came together in a very loving and powerful way after the affair. However, if you had a good relationship before the affair then you may have to settle for less in one or more areas.

I will give you an example of what I mean. If you had a good relationship with your spouse and had a high degree of admiration, security, and 99-100% trust in them, then you may have to settle for less. The trust will never come back to 99%-100%. In addition, your admiration and security will probably not come to be as high as it was before the affair. That does not mean that your R will be of low quality it just means that you will lose some trust, security, and admiration for the WS. Other areas can be taken to a very high level and that will compensate to some degree.


Your post reprinted below seems to fit somewhat in what I just said above.



> every once and a while, the blues overcome me and all I can think of are those past years where the love he should have felt for me was all but non-existent; where dishonesty and deceit ruled the day


With your above statement you are remembering when he shattered the love, security, admiration, and honesty level that you had in him. If you had a very high level of love and honesty attributed to him before the betrayal then you probably will have to settle for less. As time goes on and you both keep working and doing the right things for R then the frequency and intensity of the blues will be reduced significantly but may not go away all together. 

The blues are you remembering the hurt and wanting to have the security, admiration, and honesty that you had before the betrayal but your emotions are telling you that you do not have those qualities at the level that you had before. With more time, you accepting more of the reality that you will have less in some areas, and you both improving the R, those blues and hurt will fade a lot and will not be able to upset your life to any great degree. IOW, it can get better than it is now.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks so much for all the wonderful replies and the concern they show in reaching out to a stranger. I have not learned how to quote so must reply like this: 

*Rebuilding of trust
An end to triggering
Re-entering into a healthy sex life
Establishment and respect for marital boundaries
Complete transparency with each other
Enhanced communication and empathy
Being "in love" again
Full and complete remorse for what happened
Letting go of the past*

Yes ! to this and yes to the observation I have not achieved closure....

* Time will lessen the sting. Perspective, over that time, will give you the tools to over come the blues. *

...waiting but impatiently...

* Everything has a price and if the marriage you end up with is more secure, more stable and better in almost every way then the price extracted, although high, still represents a good value. In other words, if you would not trade the marriage you have now in exchange for all of the pain you endured, then I would proclaim success,
*

...yes, I agree, everything has a price and yes, the marriage is "better" but I still resent that I, as the BS, seem to be paying all the dues...does the FWS ever, even remotely, pay an equal price?...I doubt it... and unfortunately, at this point, I do not feel the pain I have endured has been worth it, especially when one considers it was all so unnecessary if only...FWH would have faced up to his discomfort and expressed his unhappiness/needs, blah, blah, blah before he chose to cheat.

*Each day you are in your marriage you are striving for the marriage to be stronger, happier, and better all around. So to me, that means you are in a way, reconciling. Reconciliation doesn't end if you are still working to improve the marriage.* 

So true, in a faithful marriage or one where infidelity has existed. Two people come together to become one, but no one says it is easy or quick...but if both resolve to compromise, blend their needs and expectations and protect the other it can be done.

* ...you are remembering when he shattered the love, security, admiration, and honesty level that you had in him.*

...yes and no: I thought I had all that^, but obviously the deceit necessary to pull off affairs, shows it was misplaced trust. Our marriage was not in a good place, I had lost a lot of love and respect for my FWH by the time I discovered his affairs due to his poor treatment of me during the affairs....the downward spiral of infidelity. I am trying to regain all that by rediscovering who he really was and is now and by resurrecting the bond we once felt for each other. But that bond was between two people 30 years ago...can we find it now after all that has gone down between us? 

The passing of time, the achieving of perspective, the redefining of unhealthy assumptions, the recommitment and the vulnerability it necessitates will hopefully work to gain peace for both of us...thanks, posters....


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

The short and sweet answer to the original question is that there is NEVER an endpoint, where the marriage can be said to have fully recovered. Reconciliation after infidelity is a continuing process. The success of it is only apparent at the death of one or the other partner, after a significant period of adultery-free marriage.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

By allwillbewell
...yes, I agree, everything has a price and yes, the marriage is "better" *but I still resent* that I, as the BS, seem to be paying all the dues...does the FWS ever, even remotely,* pay an equal price?*...I doubt it... and unfortunately, at this point, I do not feel the pain I have endured has been worth it, especially when one considers it was all so unnecessary if only...FWH would have faced up to his discomfort and expressed his unhappiness/needs, blah, blah, blah before he chose to cheat.

Complete forgiveness means that you no longer have negative emotions and resentment is a negative emotion. Your pain and your position that he has not paid “an equal price” will never be resolved until you accept that you have to settle for less if you are going to stay with him. There really is not a price that a betrayer can give that will make his/her betrayal irrelevant. *You will have to settle for less that your spouse did not always have you as number one and your trust in him will never get to 100%*


..you are remembering when he shattered the love, security, admiration, and honesty level that you had in him.
...yes and no: I thought I had all that^, but obviously the deceit necessary to pull off affairs, shows it was misplaced trust. Our marriage was not in a good place, I had lost a lot of love and respect for my FWH by the time I discovered his affairs due to his poor treatment of me during the affairs....the downward spiral of infidelity. I am trying to regain all that by rediscovering who he really was and is now and by resurrecting the bond we once felt for each other. But that bond was between two people 30 years ago...can we find it now after all that has gone down between us? 

You can gain in other areas of the bond but you will not be able to gain all areas of bond to the level that you had before the betrayal. *You will have to settle for less in one or more areas but can gain in other areas so that you are more satisfied in your marriage than you are now.*


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

A reconciled marriage is successful each and every day that you both focus on meeting each other's needs and building an honest and healthy relationship.

I think it is a false reality to try and assign total success/failure. Take it a day at a time - if each day you are honest, open and supportive to each other, then that day goes under the win column.

Too often we want to think in broad, general terms. This breeds complacency, which is the enemy of a mutually rewarding relationship. Reconciliation is not a destination, it is a state of mind. A state of being. And as long as you are both committed to living in it, it can be a very good thing.

My wife and I have been living in a state of reconciliation for the past 2 and 1/2 years. It has been a good 2 and 1/2 years. Full of ups and downs, good days and tough days. But days we have tackled together. And we still take things a day at a time. Working together to build the shared vision of the future we want. 

It was 3 years ago tonight that she made the decision to abandon our commitment to each other. A decision that killed our "innocent" marriage. But the relationship we have today is one of more awareness, more consciousness to each other and what we are choosing to build together. 

Not to say her affair was a good thing by any stretch, but I am very happy we both made the decision to reconcile. We work at it, and it is very rewarding. We live with a constant appreciation for what we have, and for what we work together to build. One day at a time


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> The short and sweet answer to the original question is that there is NEVER an endpoint, where the marriage can be said to have fully recovered. Reconciliation after infidelity is a continuing process. The success of it is only apparent at the death of one or the other partner, after a significant period of adultery-free marriage.


Rookie4, I don't often agree with your POV but, in this case, I think you are spot on.

But I would add that what you say is also true of marriages that, like mine, have not been damaged by infidelity. Indeed, every human relationship is continually tested.

IMO, when considering the success of a reconciliation, the proper comparison is not to some hypothetical perfect marriage but to the marriage as it was before the infidelity occurred. If both parties believe that the marriage is at least as good as it was, despite the cheater's transgression (which necessarily implies that some aspects of the marriage must be better than they were before), than the parties have successfully reconciled.

At that point, they are in much the same straights as every other married couple, having to strive every day to be a worthy partner while insisting that the other remain worthy of them.

The flip side of this is that many marriages are not happy ones, despite their not having experienced infidelity, and some married people who have never cheated or been cheated on have an overly optimistic opinion of the health of their marriages. Who is to say that these marriages are better than those of marriage partners who have reconciled or are attempting to do so?

So, for me, all relationships are imperfect and all are constantly evolving. No matter how good or bad they have been in the past, it is the present that matter. They are either getting better or getting worse -- and we can never know for sure which is the case.

Thinking about this reminds me of one of my favorite song lyrics:

We have no past we won't reach back
Keep with me forward all through the night
And once we start the meter clicks
And it goes running all through the night
Until it ends there is no end.
(_"All Through the Night,"_ Cyndi Lauper 1983)


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Like the man who fell off a 20 story building. As he passed every floor, he said" so far... so good". I think that's about the size of it.


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