# Exposure - is no news good news?



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

As some of you might remember, I mailed an exposure letter to OW's H last Monday, and he should have received it by now. I really expected a response ... from someone. Mostly I thought OW would call my H and come unglued.

I've heard nothing - is this a good thing?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I might mean she intercepted it. That's why I don't like doing this stuff by the mail since you don't know if it got through.

do you have a phone number to call?


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I might mean she intercepted it. That's why I don't like doing this stuff by the mail since you don't know if it got through.
> 
> do you have a phone number to call?


I dropped it in the mail at the local post office and sent it to her husbands office - no way it could have been intercepted by her or my H.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then maybe OWH has been gaslighted - the other possibility is the mail room intercepted it as non-work related.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Did you send the mail certified so that only he could sign for it? Did you include a request for him to contact you so that you know if he received it or not? Any number of things could have happened:


OW already spun a story to her BH, telling him that a batsh!t crazy jealous woman may try to contact him and she's out to ruin her marriage, so he shouldn't believe anything coming from you
OWH is having his DDay as a result of your letter and is still processing things and may be in shock

Either way, you did the right thing. OWH deserves to know this information about what kind of woman he's married to and decide the course of his own marriage. And it helps kill the affair in many instances. Whether he contacts you or not is up to him.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

OWH knows about the relationship - no denying that. My letter exposed the depth of that relationship and that it was a PA - resulting in me contracting HPV. Prior to my diagnosis, both OWH and I were duped into believing there was no PC - duh, we should have known better.

Don't think mail room would have intercepted either - he's pretty high up on the totem pole and it's a business in a small community. 

I'm really wondering if he just doesn't give a damn anymore. She's put him through hell - so maybe he didn't bother sharing it with her, figuring if she has the HPV and suffers because of it that it's deserved.

It's just driving me a bit crazy I guess - I was prepared for some sort of fall out - but, maybe I worried over nothing?


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Guess he could be out of town too - he does travel for work sometimes.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Or he could be in shock and not ready to talk to you. Maybe he is doing some of his own PI work? Who knows, even though I think you did the right thing in sending the letter, this guy might need time to process everything, esp if he had no idea. Also to him your letter is not proof, but an accusation so he may need time to gather his own evidence. Plus I expect he is making a Dr. appt!

Hopefully you will hear something soon!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

There's a chance owh already knows about the hpv because contracted it and have it to his wife from his own cheating


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Guess I never thought of that - I'd be shocked if that were the case as OWH is an extremely devout Catholic - but anything is possible.

I did discover he has a FB account - I don't want to "friend" him, but I think I could "message" him and ask ... but should I? Or should I just wait and see if anything comes of this?


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Or, he may just be handling things "in house." When my W's first EA was initially exposed to me, OMW left her phone number in case I wanted to contact her. While I considered doing so, I never did. In 20/20 hindsight, I wish I had. No telling what information she might have given me. But, all water under the bridge now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

You're probably right Grayson - I think he's somewhat of a private person to begin with - so that would make sense.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Jinba, I would definitely NOT message him via FB or any other means. You have sent the letter. Now leave it alone and let him deal with his own life as he sees fit.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you message him via facebook, I would just include the text of the letter verbatim, no need to say anything new or different, that way he could see (if he already received the letter) that this was all it was, nothing more.

I always think it's impossible to read anything into total silence.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Good advice Iamaga - I'd pretty much decided that for myself, but the reinforcement helps!


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jinba said:


> Guess he could be out of town too - he does travel for work sometimes.


The same person who sent me an anonymous letter alerting me to the affair with photographs also sent a letter to the OW's husband. The photographs show them kissing. My husband finally admitted it was a PA, too, but said the OW claimed she would deny that it was a PA to her husband. 

Through the grapevine I have heard that he still does not believe the letter is true. 

The OW denied everything and he chose to believe her. She claimed my spouse was the pursuer, something I know not to be true. She told her husband there was no sex, only flirting and some kissing. This woman was a known serial cheater. She prior cheated with a good friend's spouse and they all socialized together with both Betrayed spouses clueless

I don't know why. He is well off and attractive and the OW my husband was seeing is not on a par with her husband. Her husband is better looking in my eyes. 

So maybe, he thinks the letter is a joke?


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm sure he doesn't see it as a joke - but I'm not certain if he cares anymore. My H isn't the only one in town she's screwed, so I think in a way he's become numb. His good Catholic upbringing won't let him leave her, so he's turned a blind eye. Hell of a way to get to heaven, but to each their own I guess.


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

I'd think he'd disregard the letter thinking it's someones attempt at being funny. Easier to believe that then the truth which is his wife is cheating on him.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

No way - he knows me - I was his wife's best friend when she got involved with my H - there's nothing funny about it and he's aware that they were seeing each other. She told him they were "just friends" - my letter should have opened his eyes to the fact that they were much more than that - but, he may have already known it and that's why he's not responded.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is the OW like the town tramp? How many guys has she screwed?

If you live in a small community then the OWH should definately know something. But him not doing anything is a whole another story...


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

True, Keko, but we never know what deals other people may have made with themselves to get through life. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe he decided long ago to turn a blind eye to any affairs in order to keep his standing as a community leader in the Catholic Church. Maybe he is just regrouping and trying to figure out what to do. We don't know. We never will, either...


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Keko - pretty much, yes. I know of 5 including my H, but there may be more. All of the 5 were married at he time - though some are now divorced.

Lamaga is absolutely right - we'll never know. In hindsight, I wish I'd have made an effort to talk with her H in the beginning - there is strength in numbers ... but I knew nothing about exposure back then - thought taking the "high road" was the way to go. Silly me!


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jinba said:


> I'm sure he doesn't see it as a joke - but I'm not certain if he cares anymore. My H isn't the only one in town she's screwed, so I think in a way he's become numb. His good Catholic upbringing won't let him leave her, so he's turned a blind eye. Hell of a way to get to heaven, but to each their own I guess.


Yes. this woman's husband is a good catholic, too. Also, He is Polish and so is she and their families wanted them to marry only Polish people so i guess that narrows his choices.

Still, the catholic church allows divorce in the case where the spouse is a known cheater. 

This man could actually have the marriage annulled with the church's blessing. She did not honor her vows. 

Infidelity is a major sin in the eyes of the Catholic church. 

I am not Catholic, but I did look that up.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jinba said:


> I'm sure he doesn't see it as a joke - but I'm not certain if he cares anymore. My H isn't the only one in town she's screwed, so I think in a way he's become numb. His good Catholic upbringing won't let him leave her, so he's turned a blind eye. Hell of a way to get to heaven, but to each their own I guess.


Same here Jinba:

This woman is new to town but is seeing many men, goes to ladies clubs weekly, where men strip and she talks about other woman as if she is sexually attracted to them, too.

Still, her husband is defending her according to the grapevine. He actually scoffed and told someone nothing mentioned in the letter ever happened.

This OW is a phony and a very very good liar. When my husband was outed, she told him to deny everything and never stop denying it. She told him to never admit that they had sex or dated or anything. 

She is a very manipulative person. She uses men for the things they buy her and places they take her. 

She is a bored housewife who has no intellect and no clue how to entertain herself, so she looks for married men to entertain her while her husband is working his butt off, during the day and sometimes at night claiming she is out with the girls. 

I believe she has him totally bamboozled because she acts so sweet and innocent. 

Her texts and email were really filled with pornographic imagery. She appears to be a sex addict.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> Keko - pretty much, yes. I know of 5 including my H, but there may be more. All of the 5 were married at he time - though some are now divorced.
> 
> Lamaga is absolutely right - we'll never know. In hindsight, I wish I'd have made an effort to talk with her H in the beginning - there is strength in numbers ... but I knew nothing about exposure back then - thought taking the "high road" was the way to go. Silly me!


Yes, but you closed the loop on this by sending the letter. You deserve massive points for bravery and doing the right thing all around--there were STDs involved and the letter was very professional and dignified.



But again, there is no point in interpreting silence.

Maybe the letter got stuck between some junk mail and fell into the recycling bin.

Maybe he read the letter, ran home sobbing and confronted her.

Maybe he's getting an annulment for fraud because of something he knows about her that you don't and he's getting the paperwork together. People mock annulments, but there are specific grounds that you are expected to disclose before marrying and if you don't your spouse is entitled to one under Church law.

Or maybe he's waiting for the mothership to come and beam her up.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If he chooses to be in denial or rug sweeps this, then thats his problem. You did your part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

Him contacting you is probably far down the list of things he feels he needs to do right about now.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Turns out that no news is NOT good news. Had conversation with H last night - STD screening at the top of the list. Found out OW texted him about the letter I sent to her H - a warning or sorts. Rather than tell me, he texted her back with a TX - no transparency here - this sucks.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> Turns out that no news is NOT good news. Had conversation with H last night - STD screening at the top of the list. Found out OW texted him about the letter I sent to her H - a warning or sorts. Rather than tell me, he texted her back with a TX - no transparency here - this sucks.


How do you know about the texts?


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Point blank asked him if he'd heard from her lately. At least he didn't lie - but it was days ago and he said nothing until he had to. After much discussion, I think he finally "gets it" - but it's still another nail in the coffin of my trust.

And "TX" - WTH - that's letting her know he appreciated the heads up. She's a whack job - and those two letters could cause her to think they still have a connection - so what the hell was he thinking?

I let him read the letter I sent to her H and he agreed that it was the responsible thing to do because of the HPV and Genital Warts. We don't know if her H let her read the letter or not. Thinking my next letter should be to her - with a copy of the one I sent to her H - set the B**ch straight and tell her we're done playing her games.

Any thoughts?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba, you know no one is going to advocate contacting her.

You already lobbed a grenade into her house. Your problem isn't with her, it's with your husband.

Just precisely why isn't her number blocked from his phone? this can be done at the carrier level. And he should be super wiling to do it for you. When you have that conversation with him, you need to sit down One Last Time and explain what No Contact means. Figure out what your hard line reaction will be to breaking contact and carefully convey this. You have to be ready to take action or you're just setting yourself up for giving the seal of approval to a cycle that clearly was never fully broken.

And if he refuses? I'd take the phone and destroy it, and tell him to move out.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Good point - he claimed he didn't recognize the number because she's changed cell phone companies - okay - not sure I'm buying that, but he has it now - telling him to block it is a great idea - thanks!


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Just talked to H - had him read me their text string - nothing threatening on the surface, but I'm still very disappointed in him for responding - especially without talking to me first.

Told him now that he has her number to block it - said he would see if that could be done - which I know it can be - but he has to do it by choice so I left it to him.

In some ways I feel like I'm stirring the pot - but it feels good to get it all out there and to stop suffering in silence. H hates talking about it - but I finally told him he has no choice because of the choice he made to cheat. Getting past this is a two way street - no detours or forks in the road - he has to buck up.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Along with NC comes slippups on his part; be prepared for that. In no way does that mean he's not committed to reconcilliation, though. Humans screw up from time to time. Keep your eyes open, too. Best wishes!


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Thanks CandieGirl - you're right - and I know a certain amount of patience on my part is necessary. I can (and will) work with him now - since it's all out there I don't have to go it alone anymore - huge step for us!

Still can't get over the OW texting him to "warn him" though - wonder if her H knows she did that? NOT - maybe I should let him know that too - full exposure, right?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If she continues contacting your H, then yes. Of course she's going to warn him. She's playing up that you are the crazy wife. Let her fall flat on her face. She's a serial cheater, and Polish Catholic or not, she'll get hers.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

I've decided on full disclosure - just sent her H a message telling him about her texts - she's playing a vicious game and it's high time someone kept him in the loop. So for every message, phone call, etc. that she uses to invade my life, I will share with her H and invade hers. Turn about is fair play in my book - and I'm not the one who put us here - so I think I have the advantage at this point.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> Still can't get over the OW texting him to "warn him" though - wonder if her H knows she did that? NOT - maybe I should let him know that too - full exposure, right?


You said the texts were innocuous. Did they sound at all as if they had never broken contact? When I discovered a cache of old emails my husband sent his AP years ago, I suddenly learned they had been in contact for months during a time that I thought contact was over. As I tried to figure out how long "no contact" was (3 weeks? 5 weeks?) what I noticed was that the very oldest emails post-NC sounded as if they were ALREADY back in contact. So the oldest emails I could find _aren't_ the oldest ones, just the oldest ones that weren't deleted. Do you follow?


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes - I think I follow - but no, there was no indication that there was ongoing contact. Her message was "Hi - thought you should know **** sent a two page letter to **** at work - not good. Were you aware?" He responded with "no". She replied that she didn't want to get involved but thought he should know - he responded with the "TX" and that was it.

Kind of cracks me up that she would choose to say she "doesn't want to get involved" - duh - then why the text?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, that made me laugh too, Jinba 
If she hadn't gotten involved, none of this would be going on, now, would it?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> Kind of cracks me up that she would choose to say she "doesn't want to get involved" - duh - then why the text?


No, no no! the reason that's so funny is she caught HPV from someone ELSE and gave it to your H who gave it to you, so YOU could tell HER husband! 'not involved' indeed :rofl:


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

She is a drama queen, no doubt, that's why she wants to get involved. And I don't blame you for texting her H. That's probably what I would have done, too.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow - you guys have her pegged pretty well - LOL

She is definitely a drama queen - and not very bright. I told my H that I sent the message to her H informing him of her contact - can't hide things if I don't want him to, right?

Her next "avoidance of involvement" might be a real hoot - stay tuned!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jinba said:


> I told my H that I sent the message to her H informing him of her contact - can't hide things if I don't want him to, right?


just to confirm--you contacted her H yet again to inform him that she just texted your husband, correct?

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

[insert head-slapping smilie] now why didn't I think of that??


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> just to confirm--you contacted her H yet again to inform him that she just texted your husband, correct?
> 
> :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> [insert head-slapping smilie] now why didn't I think of that??


Yup - and I'm going to keep doing it!


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jinba said:


> Yup - and I'm going to keep doing it!


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Lordy Lordy - way too funny - thanks for the laugh!


----------

