# Husband secretly getting money from MIL



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I've discovered that my inlaws set up a bank account for my husband which he refers to as his slush fund or "fun" money about 16 months ago. They have the statements mailed to their house since they didn't want me to know about it for some reason. I am not a big spender - quite the opposite. I do control the finances, but have never said "no" to my husband for any purchases he wants to make. I thought our agreement was that any purchases over $500 should be discussed first. We are financially comfortable, but of course, still struggling to save for retirement and have a mortgage. We're both 47. 
Last year he took out an "interest-free" credit card to pay for a new $1700 bike he wanted, without asking me. Since then he racked up the card and now we're approaching the anniversary date so it has to be paid off or we'll be hit with huge interest. I discussed it for the past few weeks, always asking, where are we going to get the money? He says he has nothing left in that secret account. (I discovered a statement for it he mistakenly left in a cupboard about 6 months ago). So I reluctantly say that we'll have to cash in some stocks from saving to pay it off (not happy). He has a secret bank account with $10k in it and he racked up his credit card!?!
Yesterday, I discovered a check for $1000 from his mother in his car and a deposit slip for his secret bank a/c. I was furious. He claims its just because she saw he has no money left in the account and it has to maintain a minimum balance. But not $1000! I have no idea how much she's giving him on a regular basis. 
He sees no problems with him having a personal "slush" fund to buy things HE wants since he's lucky enough to have money in his family. That our bills are getting paid, so what's the problem? But he spends it all on himself - guns, gun parts, watches, phones, computers- nothing for the two of us to share like a nice weekend away, a trip, a dinner out, something we want for the house, etc. He just thinks I'm too tight with money - we don't need to save, we should just spend!

How do I get past this since he refuses to close this not-so-secret-anymore account?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He's 47 and still lives off his parents?

I would think you need to have your own secret account where you can start saving some money for yourself.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Your MIL is a POS for interfering with your M.

Your H is an even BIGGER POS for allowing someone he knows to interfere with his M. He conspires with POS MIL to hide things from you. He refused to consult with you over large purchases.

How do you get "past this"? ... Hmmm, ask for full disclosure of the marital assets from the person who made vows to you in front of family, friends, and God. Check and see if the bank cares that your H has his statements sent to somewhere that he doesn't live. If he won't disclose to you and you've had enough, have a D lawyer file for financial discovery. I wouldn't be surprised if one day you come across a secret safe deposit box or something like that. 

This guy is a spender and a liar...too bad he NEVER showed any signs of this while you were dating and suddenly this just happened after you were married. Too bad there weren't ANY warning signs whatsoever that could have aided you in choosing a suitable H!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. Let him move out with that money.

This wouldn't be ok with me. You both work hard, you should both have fun.

He's a selfish a$$.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

This is not team play. This is not marriage. It is ultimatum time. Get counseling, together AND him alone, or you are loooooooong gone. And mean it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah. this is disturbing that he is being so selfish! To top it off, his parents are enabling him! They think it's ok too. This isn't likely to change.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The debt he is racking up is legally 1/2 yours. The money his mother is giving him is all his. Essentially you are paying for his toys since he is not using the money that is all his. I would find a way to quietly monitor the money without telling him. You have every right to cancel the credit card since you pay 1/2 of the debt. 

Your marriage does not sound good. There is more going on than the finances. You are married to a deceptive selfish man. Is he a narcissist? Are you happy with your husband. You are dealing with financial infedelity. He is more loyal to his mother than to his wife. Are you meeting all of his needs? Does he meet yours? Investigate further if he can be deceptive and selfish with money then he may be deceiving you in other ways. 

If he refuses to pay for his toys with the money his mother is giving him then you and your children are payng for it. He could take you all on a vacation but he choses to side with his mother and make you pay and deny his family again siding with his mother. 

Since he is so loyal to his mother why does he not get all of his needs from her. The way I see it is it's either you or the mother. He does not get both of you caring for him. He is very comfortable because he has essential two women neither of whom make any demands on him. He has to feel consequences or he will never stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give us a bit more info?

Do both of you have jobs?

If you both work, what % of your joint income do you earn?

How long have you been married?

How may children do you have and what are their ages?

Do you control the home finances and pay the bills?

Theses answers will give a more complete picture of your situation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You married a boy instead of a man.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Hi - thanks for all your input. 

I think this problem stems from 2 things:

1) we have different financial goals. He has a pension that will continue until he dies. Should anything happen to him, the pension (and healthcare coverage) stops immediately for me. He also knows he will likely get a relatively large inheritance from my MIL. Its all great financially for me as long as he is still in the picture. Otherwise, I'm left with whatever I can save only. So, he feels no need to save, while I obviously do. We do have life insurance on him, but that ends at age 63. 

2) Both of his parents had secret money stashes from the other. His mother was a SAHM and squirreled away what she could "just in case". His father was the spender and snuck purchases past his mother. So he's used to seeing this - its normal to him. 

Financially we are both contributing about equally right now, but his pension coming in means he is actually contributing more in total. However, for the first 5 years together (we've been together for about 8) I made almost twice as much as he did and therefore our house was purchased with about a 2/3 split (me paying more). 

No kids so that is not a factor. 
I control the finances - I've tried time and time again to explain them to him but he has no interest in that knowledge. 

What bothers me most is the secrecy - both from him and my MIL. I think what i need to do is convince him to close that account- if my MIL wishes to help us out or gift us, great, but it goes to both of us and WE decide how to use that money. He's not a little boy. 
Another thought is that because I control the finances, and he is incredibly nonconfrontational, he doesn't wish to have to explain any "fun" purchases he wishes to make on occasion. When I say "racked up" the credit card, he had it down to $1500 that HAD to be paid this month. Again, wouldn't that $1000 he received come in handy?
Anyways, perhaps its best if we had a sit down and came up with a plan where we each have some of our own personal money we can spend any way we wish, without needing the other person's permission. 
I know other couples who keep a joint account to pay the bills (each contributing equally) and then their own personal accounts are separate. Does this work for any of you?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The lying is unacceptable. Hiding things from you is not acceptable, and incurring joint debt while hiding money is doubly not OK.

I think to start with you need to get a copy of both of your credit reports. Look to see what else you are obligated for that you may not be aware of. Hopefully nothing else.

I'd ask him to have the statements for the account sent to your house and that you should be able to see them. You aren't asking for the money but he can't be incurring joint debt (with you cashing in savings for a paltry $1700) when he has a slush fund. 

If he refuses, I'd say nothing, hire a forensic accountant and once you have a clear picture, show him what you found, set the rules and tell him to agree or you will be proceeding with a divorce. Trust is the basis for love and marriage and he has violated that. And if the account is in HIS name, it's a marital asset of which you get half and you will already have it documented.

Do you have a good relationship with your MIL? Regardless you should both sit down with her and explain that, while you don't expect anything from her, she cannot continually give him money while he's spending YOUR money ("your" meaning you/your husband's jointly earned money) for toys. He can accept the money for his toys or things that benefit the marriage but he cannot spend marital money without a mutual decision and the secrecy and hiding will stop. Reiterate that you have no intentions of trying to get to 'their' money, but he can't continue to save "their" money while spending "your" money.

Review your wills. Who else will her money go to? Is he the only child? Are you his primary beneficiary? I'd be concerned about what else he's hiding. If there is a psychological aspect to this as you suspect, marriage counseling is especially a good idea.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

He is actually using that "slush" fund to purchase toys, not saving it. I wish!! But he extended beyond that. Part of the reason is that he bought a bike - something he couldn't hide from me and I would have asked how he paid for it. So he opened up the credit card, saying its a great deal because there is no interest for a year and he can slowly (using our money, but to give him credit, he doesn't buy a lot of toys with our money) pay for it over that year. Instead, he put additional stuff on it. He has turned the card over to me and I'm cancelling it, even though it may affect our credit score temporarily. 
I believe the bank account is in both his and his mom's name. (My FIL passed last year). 

And marriage counselling? Great idea but he will NEVER go for it. He doesn't believe in it at all. He would get divorced first. What does that say?

He does carry other secrets - this is his style. Nothing major (that I know about) but he'll just "forget" to tell me things, etc. He does whatever it takes to avoid confrontation. If I raise these issues he just stares at me, refusing to say anything at all. Doesn't agree, disagree or yell. Just deer in the headlights look. The red flag I ignored is that at age 37 when we met, he'd never had a relationship that lasted longer than 9 months. He'd never even had a roommate. So he just doesn't get sharing a life- personal information and finances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> I know other couples who keep a joint account to pay the bills (each contributing equally) and then their own personal accounts are separate. Does this work for any of you?


Yep, I've done that. It works great. This way each person has some amount of money each month that they can spend as they choose. It alleviates the feeling that one person is controlling the other.

The fact is that this mother is giving him his inheritance is small installments. It's his money. You basically have no legal right to it.

Here’s what I would suggest. First read the book “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. See if you can get him to read it as well and agree to adopt what the book suggests as your financial plan with the following adjustments.

Figure out what your bills are one a monthly basis. For bills that are paid less often then monthly, prorate it over a 12 month period. For example if you have to pay property taxes once a year of $1,200. Then you put $100 a month on your monthly budget so that when the taxes come due you have the $$ to pay them. Each of you contribute 50% of the bills to a joint account out of which all ongoing bills are paid.

Since you earn more than he does, he will need to put some of his early-inheritance (EI) into this joint account to make his 50%. The justification for this? He is responsible for supporting himself. If you were not there he would have to use his EI to pay his own bills.

He has a savings, it’s called his EI. So you put 10%-15% of your income in to a savings in your name only. 

Spending money is determined such that you get whatever of your income to do with what you want. 

He gets his EI to do with what he wants.

Right now his attitude is that what is his is his. What is yours is his.

Also find out your state laws about marital property and divorce. In most states the bills he makes are also your bills. His EI is his money only. Your savings, your checking, your retirement, etc. are all 50% his. If you get a divorce, depending on the state you live in and the length of your marriage you’d end up paying him alimony… it could be up to 40% of your income for life. This is because you earn more than he does. His EI and any inheritance will not count in calculating alimony.

Your husband set himself up pretty good in marrying you. He’s working it pretty well too with the $$ from MIL.

Talk to a money planner and an attorney on how to protect yourself so that if divorce happens you are not supporting him and you don’t lose most of what you have in assets.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He most likely told his mother how you are taking all the money for yourself and mean old you will not even let him buy anything for himself. So mommy came to the rescue.

It's an unhealthy mother/son relationship. But you know that.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'm actually making less money than he is right now - and likely will be for the rest of our working life due to a move to a different state and lack of opportunity for me here in my professional field. 

Many people automatically jumped to "run for the hills" and you need to see a divorce attorney which I don't think was that helpful. I'm not leaving an 8 year marriage over a small inheritance amount he received without telling me. 

Unfortunately, I am a saver and I married a spender. We have different financial goals. I don't think my situation is very uncommon. On the other hand, some people had some good suggestions on how to approach him and my MIL which I greatly appreciate. That was the advice I was looking for.

The lying part of course is of concern and needs to be addressed. He was single most of his life and used to just doing whatever he wants with his money. He normally doesn't have debt - he didn't have any coming into our marriage. He doesn't go out drinking with the boys or have any other large regular expenses. But occasionally he likes to buy nice "toys" for himself. I wish he would be man enough to stand up for himself and say exactly that. But instead he sneaks around and attempts to hide it from me. This is the problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm actually making less money than he is right now - and likely will be for the rest of our working life due to a move to a different state and lack of opportunity for me here in my professional field.
> 
> Many people automatically jumped to "run for the hills" and you need to see a divorce attorney which I don't think was that helpful. I'm not leaving an 8 year marriage over a small inheritance amount he received without telling me.


This the above is in reply to my suggesting that you see an attorney to get a divorce, then you misunderstood me. My suggest is that you make sure you know that marriage/divorce laws were you live and take them into consideration when you plan your finances. An attorney can help. You can read about the laws, etc all day long. But talking to an attorney can help you know how the laws are carried out in your local court system.


SARAHMCD said:


> Unfortunately, I am a saver and I married a spender. We have different financial goals. I don't think my situation is very uncommon. On the other hand, some people had some good suggestions on how to approach him and my MIL which I greatly appreciate. That was the advice I was looking for.


Good



SARAHMCD said:


> The lying part of course is of concern and needs to be addressed. He was single most of his life and used to just doing whatever he wants with his money. He normally doesn't have debt - he didn't have any coming into our marriage. He doesn't go out drinking with the boys or have any other large regular expenses. But occasionally he likes to buy nice "toys" for himself. I wish he would be man enough to stand up for himself and say exactly that. But instead he sneaks around and attempts to hide it from me. This is the problem.


This is something that you can of course work on with him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> And marriage counselling? Great idea but he will NEVER go for it. He doesn't believe in it at all. He would get divorced first. What does that say?


It says that he is sitting in the cat bird's seat. He knows it. He has you over a barrel. And he does not care. Sound like marriage to you?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> The red flag I ignored is that at age 37 when we met, he'd never had a relationship that lasted longer than 9 months. He'd never even had a roommate. So he just doesn't get sharing a life- personal information and finances.


Yes, that was a definite red flag, but this is just the way he is and fundamentally, he will not change.

I agree with Enjoli about requesting full disclosure of the accounts, however. At least you will be able to see what is going on and have some control over his spending. If you don't know, you can't even discuss it.

I would not, however, discuss anything with your MIL! That's just asking for trouble. She's already driving a wedge between you with this secret deal between the two of them, so I wouldn't take the risk of confronting her at all. You won't get an honest response anyway.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I don't have a real problem with this. His parents are there to help with a few important things that he periodically wants. If a wife came home and said she went shopping with her mom who bought her a new coat she needed or dress she wanted, I doubt the average husband would get mad. 

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job managing the household finances but I am not sure clear what you want done. His mother is not going to just forward 500 or 1,000 for household expenses. 

What another poster said may be a little bit of an exaggeration, "He most likely told his mother how you are taking all the money for yourself and mean old you will not even let him buy anything for himself. So mommy came to the rescue. It's an unhealthy mother/son relationship. But you know that." 

He probably says, Sarah does a good job with managing the house but there are some things she says I don't need and if you could help me out that would be great. For his mom, it gives her a sense of importance.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> He probably says, Sarah does a good job with managing the house but there are some things she says I don't need and if you could help me out that would be great. *For his mom, it gives her a sense of importance.*


And control over her spineless son?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My ex did this. She didn't tell her husband either. Ex had major debt and MIL just made things worse. 

Sons leave their parents to cleave to the wife. This boy has never left and money is one way mommy comes between husband and wife.

There is a lot wrong with this situation.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you are in a GOOD marriage, inheritance isn't typically only spent on the one that inherited the money. It typically goes into helping the entire family. 

I don't agree with those that say what he is doing is fine. The money his mother is giving him should be going into the family.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If he keeps a secret account, what else does he keep secret? 

It's not healthy. If he wants to spend the money on himself, fine. He needs to be a man and tell his wife..."Hey, I got this money. It's mine. I am going to buy such and such with it."

Don't open a secret account and lie. That's cowardly AND it creates resentment and distrust in the relationship, which leads to so many other issues. All because he couldn't be an adult about it.


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

A husband or wife hides some money in the house.. is it a secret account.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Still don't understand the problem. 

1. Wives frequently get money from their parents. Mom, I'd love to get a new couch for the living room. Mom checks with dad and daughter gets a check. No husband says, by the way, I still have 7 year old golf clubs. That's why the post misses the point, "The money his mother is giving him should be going into the family." Mom is not going to just give the same amount to the family, she wants to help her son. 

I do agree if the money spigot is constant, some modest adjustment is probably warranted so some other needs get met and money is dealt with equitably. If there are unpaid bills, she should see if some help can be provided in that area. 

2. Aug said, "And control over her spineless son?" Self-centered perhaps, but he's not spineless for saying that not every expenditure has to go through his wife. 

3. There is some fundamental misunderstanding of how different genders view these things. 

The favorite men's song doesn't go like this.

And now, the end is here
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and ev'ry highway
And more, much more than this, I did it my wife's way. 
Because a mature man, doesn't go off and do things on his own, he check's and makes sure decisions are made as a couple, and he realizes that his wife will want a say and checking with your wife is a sign of maturity. 

When there is a bill or expenditure and a woman says, I have to check with my husband, she is saying, we are a couple, we do thing together and are happy. My saying I need to check with him shows the world we work as a group. 

When a husband says it, he feels ashamed, weak, powerless, telling the world that unlike other men who are more successful, more powerful, better respected, he must check, and that is a humiliating process.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobby5000 said:


> Still don't understand the problem.
> .....


Part of the problem is that he's running up bills for his toys. His wife is partially responsible to pay those bills.

When he gets $$ from his mother he does not pay his bills.. he buys more toys.


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

I take care of all the finances here, that's the way its always been, if i get extra money i may just buy a toy with it..i dont feel i have to ask if its ok, i am not a kid and she is not my mother.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Elegirl wrote, "Part of the problem is that he's running up bills for his toys. His wife is partially responsible to pay those bills. When he gets $$ from his mother he does not pay his bills... he buys more toys." He does have a finance problem and that does need to be discussed with him in a mature way. 

However control issues are getting in the way. His getting money from the mother fro his purchases is probably not creating a problem; it's just not helping to solve the issues. They need to work on discussing finances together but that also means he gets a little space too; if a reasonable budget can be struck and he periodically gets money from his mother, that's not a problem. 

She wrote, "But occasionally he likes to buy nice "toys" for himself. I wish he would be man enough to stand up for himself and say exactly that." But he can't in most cases. One basic problem with gender communication in many case is that men would like a clearly defined talk and end. If you said, we'll discuss this for 10 minutes, okay, Bob you want to buy it, fine. But that's probably not going to happen. 

She will talk and talk and talk, argue, contest, get in a bad mood and bring it up and again. (fortunately my wife is better than most women). It's not like a game (men think in terms of winning and losing, and games which have a defined end) but sometimes a continuing saga. 

One challenge in marriage is for men to realize women's need to communicate and play a part in decisions, and for women to realize men's need for tasks which have a clearly defined end.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

rick31797 said:


> I take care of all the finances here, that's the way its always been, if i get extra money i may just buy a toy with it..i dont feel i have to ask if its ok, i am not a kid and she is not my mother.


That's great! That is what works for you and apparently what both you and your spouse wanted for a financial arrangement in your M. 

This is not what the OP wants for her M. Her H opened a credit card account without her knowledge, and seeing as they are married, he knows this would bother her since he chose OP as a W. Their finances are co-mingled so the current arrangement they have doesn't work for her as OP controls the finances...her H must have agreed to this at some point and MIL knows this and disregards/enables OP's H to go against the already established financial arrangement in this M.


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