# Wife of 14 years confesses to one night stand



## Midlo2004

Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her. We discussed it all afternoon and have since talked about it many times since. I was completely shocked because she is the last person I would have ever thought to actually do that. She never has before and is actually very conservative in that department anyway. I mean we have sex about every 5 days but we do experiment with positions and what not but she isn't like a total freak or anything. We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off and she doesn't even know why she did it. She explained that there isn't a relationship there, and she even was at a conference the next week and the guy happened to be there too, but she said it was done. What has blown me away and left me confused though is that she told me she and the other man had sex 4 times in about 4 hours during this night. Why I was confused by that is because the most she has ever done with me was twice in one day. Now I will say she travels a lot for work and this happened at a conference in Miami, where she says she felt flattered by him (she's known him about a year), and she thinks he was pursuing her. But she did say that it was mutually agreed and it took "two to tango". I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times. She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times. I'm the only guy she has ever been with until this happened.


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## Pepe1970

*Re: test*



Midlo2004 said:


> test


Loud and clear, lol

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Midlo2004

Also we have two little girls. Just so confused as to why/how this happened. I mean, I know why - she is pretty good looking and men hit on good looking girls, especially as much as she travels for work, but she has travelled for 3 years now, and this has never happened until now.


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## Noble1

Did you wife tell you why she said yes to the "tango?"

Better yet, has your wife quit her job that allows her to travel and what is she doing to show you that it was a one off and will never happen again?


And other thing to consider is how do you feel about it and what are you doing to do in this situation?

Good Luck.


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## BobSimmons

She did it four times because it was nice and exciting.

Nothing confusing about that.

Lots of men out there willing to service your wife on her business trips.

Good luck!


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## stillthinking

> but she has travelled for 3 years now, and this has never happened until now.


You sure about that?


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## Midlo2004

Noble1 said:


> Did you wife tell you why she said yes to the "tango?"
> 
> Better yet, has your wife quit her job that allows her to travel and what is she doing to show you that it was a one off and will never happen again?
> 
> 
> And other thing to consider is how do you feel about it and what are you doing to do in this situation?
> 
> Good Luck.


Yes, it was really mutually agreed. She didn't say he forced it or anything like that. She said she just felt flattered and being pursued and basically she was just really turned on. She does keep saying that she hardly remembers any of it because I ask for details and she keeps saying she doesn't have them. She just knows they did it 4 times and had small talk in between. I keep telling her I don't believe that she doesn't remember, because how could she not remember rsomething that was such a distinct moment and something she has only ever done once.


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## Townes

Would you rather have 1 scoop of ice cream or 4? Sure you might feel guilty about it later, but boy is it delicious at the time.


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## Beach123

Well, is she willing to quit that job and no longer travel for work? 

If she's not then you can expect more of the same that you'll get from her in the future!

Men flirt to get sex - your wife was willing to take the bait. She will again with no consequences.

Are you willing to make her suffer and think you'll divorce her at this time?

Why forgive so easily? SHE cheated! SHE took vows with YOU, not him!

My bet is they are still communicating.

Have her take a polygraph now - also a test for diseases!


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## Midlo2004

stillthinking said:


> You sure about that?


That's what she tells me. The thing is, she brought this up to me, so I have to believe this happened only this one time. I didn't suspect anything and I even went through her phone and they don't text, email, and I didn't find any other text, emails, facebook messages or anything that would make me suspicious. She really is a good girl.


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## colingrant

Not trying to paint a bad picture here, but just want to point out a couple of things. 4 times in 4 hours implies she liked it and that he's capable of performing. If she liked it and if he's capable and willing to perform (men nearly ALWAYS obliges a willing female partner) then you have to watch for her wanting it again regardless of how sorry and remorseful she is. Satisfying sex is a powerful aphrodisiac that can test the integrity of people who typically have it.


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## Midlo2004

Beach123 said:


> Well, is she willing to quit that job and no longer travel for work?
> 
> If she's not then you can expect more of the same that you'll get from her in the future!
> 
> Men flirt to get sex - your wife was willing to take the bait. She will again with no consequences.
> 
> Are you willing to make her suffer and think you'll divorce her at this time?
> 
> Why forgive so easily? SHE cheated! SHE took vows with YOU, not him!
> 
> My bet is they are still communicating.
> 
> Have her take a polygraph now - also a test for diseases!


Funny you mention. She was feeling weird down there and having some itching, so that is actually WHY she confessed to me, because I think she was worried that she contracted something, so she told me that she screwed up and told me the whole story about her one night stand. She did get tested and she is fine, thank god. I don't believe they are communicating. He's a director at her company. It's weird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


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## Noble1

Ok, despite what what your wife has said and what you believe about her, what is she going to DO NOW to show you how truly sorry she is.

Is she going to quit her job that allows her the freedom to cheat and potentially meet the OM again?

Is she going to find some IC for herself and some MC for the both of you when she is ready?

Is she truly understanding the pain and hurt she piled on you and the damage she did to the marriage?


Good luck.


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## Midlo2004

colingrant said:


> Not trying to paint a bad picture here, but just want to point out a couple of things. 4 times in 4 hours implies she liked it and that he's capable of performing. If she liked it and if he's capable and willing to perform (men nearly ALWAYS obliges a willing female partner) then you have to watch for her wanting it again regardless of how sorry and remorseful she is. Satisfying sex is a powerful aphrodisiac that can test the integrity of people who typically have it.


And I think that is my main issue with this. Because of course one of our first discussions was me asking "so what was his package like...", and she of course basically giggle, and said he was "thick!", but then quickly changed the subject. But main issue is, she has NEVER done that with me! Even when we first got married (granted we were young, 22), but she has typically been shy/conservative about sex. and then BAM, she has sex 4 times with this dude, in a 4 hour period. I've asked her so many times about that specific part, and she just says, that they were both still horny. I'm guessing he dug her as much as she dug him.


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## stillthinking

She can’t remember. Classic. 

She was buzzed but coherent. Had the presence of mind to not pressured into anything. Yet cannot recall the sex? The positions? Oral? 

Really? Just all lost in the ethers?

Well if you decide to stay married to her, and if she keeps traveling for work, you should budget for quarterly polygraphs.


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## Midlo2004

stillthinking said:


> She can’t remember. Classic.
> 
> She was buzzed but coherent. Had the presence of mind to not pressured into anything. Yet cannot recall the sex? The positions? Oral?
> 
> Really? Just all lost in the ethers?
> 
> Well if you decide to stay married to her, and if she keeps traveling for work, you should budget for quarterly polygraphs.


Exactly. Also, she was up early the next day. I'm thinking if you were so buzzed, you would have been hungover as hell. She's a small girl. She basically only recalls, 4 times, the positions, and some small talk in between. She does tell me she didn't do anything that we wouldn't do. She's not into oral or anal or anything. She did say that he told her that she was quiet, but I asked her what else he told her or they talked about, and she just gets defensive and says "how am I supposed to remember EVERY specific detail!". I'm like, how could you not, this is the FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER DONE THIS, you should remember everything......She actually is moving into a job that is less travel.


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## badmemory

Midlo2004 said:


> I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times. She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times.


No offense friend, but the number of times she had sex with him in one night is inconsequential compared to the fact that *she had sex with him*. You're asking the wrong question.

A couple of thoughts:

It would be a plus for her if she confessed for no reason other than guilt, but cheaters rarely confess and when they do, it's hardly ever for that reason. There's a strong likelihood that she felt someone would tell you. Maybe she found out another co-worker spotted them; perhaps OM's wife or SO found out - and she was just trying to minimize the damage. 

If you decide to attempt R, she has to quit the job. Period.

Don't rug sweep this.

Sorry you're here.


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## Sparta

I remember when I first came to these website forum boards, I don’t know where read it but there was a few clichés that stuck out, Good girls cheat too. Now that was when I first started to come around and more has been revealed like anyone will cheat. The last thing you need to do right now is show weakness.! She needs a leader and alpha not a beta or Mr. nice guy.! So she needs to face consequences if she doesn’t, it’s not going to be good for your marriage or you.! 

See you are concerned with things to you mean a lot, but in the big picture you need to Focus your energy and attention to what ever we tell you.! “Be advised” second guesses won’t do you any good everyone here has been in your shoes. There are a lot of good people here that are donating their free time for free to help you out please utilize it, do not disrespect. Good luck


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## Andy1001

Midlo2004 said:


> Exactly. Also, she was up early the next day. I'm thinking if you were so buzzed, you would have been hungover as hell. She's a small girl. She basically only recalls, 4 times, the positions, and some small talk in between. She does tell me she didn't do anything that we wouldn't do. She's not into oral or anal or anything. She did say that he told her that she was quiet, but I asked her what else he told her or they talked about, and she just gets defensive and says "how am I supposed to remember EVERY specific detail!". I'm like, how could you not, this is the FIRST TIME YOU HAVE EVER DONE THIS, you should remember everything......She actually is moving into a job that is less travel.


When I was younger I spent years constantly traveling.In all humility I will say I was very handsome and had no problem picking up women anywhere in the world.
You have heard the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.Substitute Vegas for any city you care to mention and the same metaphor applies.People who spend a lot of time away from home often compartmentalise their lives.
I would bet my house and car that this is not your wife’s first rodeo.She owned up this time because she thought she had caught an std.
You don’t seem to bothered about her cheating other than the om could go four times in one night,would that be a fair comment? Maybe you have an undiagnosed cuckold fetish.


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## re16

Tell her you are ordering a DNA test for your kids to be sure you are the father (and actually do so).

Cheaters lie. I'm not sure why she told you, maybe another coworker found out and threatened to tell you so she is giving you a minimum story. There could be way more going on here.

Is the OM married? Have you talked to his wife.

Takes 6 months or so for HPV / HIV to show up on testing.

Did your wife have sex with you before she told you about this. She put you at significant risk if she did.


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## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> That's what she tells me. The thing is, she brought this up to me, so I have to believe this happened only this one time. I didn't suspect anything and I even went through her phone and they don't text, email, and I didn't find any other text, emails, facebook messages or anything that would make me suspicious. *She really is a good girl*.


Really? Good girls don't screw other men 4 times when they are traveling. She has the capability to cheat. What happens when some player flatters her again when she's away traveling.

You sound weak and doormatish.

Better wake the hell up.


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## Tron

Midlo2004 said:


> She really is a good girl.


Not so much.

And with her boss no less.

Quitting her job is just a bare minimum.


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## Midlo2004

Andy1001 said:


> When I was younger I spent years constantly traveling.In all humility I will say I was very handsome and had no problem picking up women anywhere in the world.
> You have heard the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.Substitute Vegas for any city you care to mention and the same metaphor applies.People who spend a lot of time away from home often compartmentalise their lives.
> I would bet my house and car that this is not your wife’s first rodeo.She owned up this time because she thought she had caught an std.
> You don’t seem to bothered about her cheating other than the om could go four times in one night,would that be a fair comment? Maybe you have an undiagnosed cuckold fetish.


Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


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## Midlo2004

Marc878 said:


> Really? Good girls don't screw other men 4 times when they are traveling. She has the capability to cheat. What happens when some player flatters her again when she's away traveling.
> 
> You sound weak and doormatish.
> 
> Better wake the hell up.


She may have the capability. 

and no, I just care about our relationship and trust that this only happened this one time.


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## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her. We discussed it all afternoon and have since talked about it many times since. I was completely shocked because she is the last person I would have ever thought to actually do that. She never has before and is actually very conservative in that department anyway. I mean we have sex about every 5 days but we do experiment with positions and what not but she isn't like a total freak or anything. We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off and she doesn't even know why she did it. She explained that there isn't a relationship there, and she even was at a conference the next week and the guy happened to be there too, but she said it was done. What has blown me away and left me confused though is that she told me she and the other man had sex 4 times in about 4 hours during this night. Why I was confused by that is because the most she has ever done with me was twice in one day. Now I will say she travels a lot for work and this happened at a conference in Miami, where she says she felt flattered by him (she's known him about a year), and she thinks he was pursuing her. But she did say that it was mutually agreed and it took "two to tango". I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times. She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times. I'm the only guy she has ever been with until this happened.


So when is she quitting her job?


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## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> Funny you mention. She was feeling weird down there and having some itching, so that is actually WHY she confessed to me, because I think she was worried that she contracted something, so she told me that she screwed up and told me the whole story about her one night stand. She did get tested and she is fine, thank god. I don't believe they are communicating. He's a director at her company. It's weird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


Rugsweeing. She remembers everything. Alcohol is not the problem.

She's not remorseful at all which means she'll probably do it again. 

If you're smart you'll contact other mans wife and inform her with no warning. If you tell your wife she'll warn him.

Hiding their affair will enable him to come back for more. You can't trust your wife big yo give it to him again.


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## stillthinking

Red flag.....her accusing you of cheating. Big red flag. 

Good chance this is not her first rodeo.

STD tests. No sex. Polygraph.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> So you really think she has done this another time?


yes



Midlo2004 said:


> OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


That is called projection. She was doing it so thought you would be also.


When someone admits to a kiss, it turns out to be a 6 month long affair. When someone admits to full blown sex and who it was with, well.....

I really think this is a cover to story to minimize the full extent of what is happening.


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## Lostinthought61

Is she willing to take a polygraph to prove this was a one time thing...


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## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? *OHss GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.*


Cheaters often project their cheating onto their spouse. So this doesn't sound good.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> She may have the capability.
> 
> and no, I just care about our relationship and trust that this only happened this one time.


Trusting anything at this point is a huge mistake. You need more info.

Have you thoroughly gone through her phone? They were likely communicating before / after this.

Maybe Snapchat / Whatsapp / Words with friends?

Have you had access to her phone? Does she have a separate work phone?


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## Marc878

There's a betrayed spouse script that a lot follow: to their detriment.

Believe them because not to is painful. You can never trust a cheater and will almost never get the full truth upfront.

Help hide their affair. Usually enables them to continue.

Live if fear of them leaving. Weakness is highly unnattractive and will put you in a worse position.

Do the " pick me dance" or try and nice them back. Both lowers your status even more.


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## Andy1001

Midlo2004 said:


> Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


I’m not convinced about this thread but **** it,I have nothing else to do so I will tell you something about your wife.
Nobody suddenly goes from once a week sex to suddenly being screwed by some guy four times in one night and still able to go to work early the next morning.Your wife has been cheating on you for years and what you need to accept is why she told you this time.You are the safe little house husband while she travels around meeting her **** buddies and in my honest opinion she has decided not to hide it any more.You say she has a new job that involves less traveling, THAT is the reason she has owned up.She still wants her other men but she wants them in her home city.And her accusing you of cheating is laughable.
She is going to live her life as she always has and you can either accept this or leave,she doesn’t really care.
What is the income ratio in your marriage?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Midlo2004 said:


> Funny you mention. She was feeling weird down there and having some itching, so that is actually WHY she confessed to me, because I think she was worried that she contracted something, so she told me that she screwed up and told me the whole story about her one night stand. She did get tested and she is fine, thank god. I don't believe they are communicating. He's a director at her company. It's eird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


She remembers every bleeding detail and loved it. Pigs arse she can't remember. The only thing she has 'blocked' is being honest with you dude. She told you because she was afraid she had the crabs or an std from him and was afraid she may have passed it along. Better to confess now than for you to find out out at your docs office you have chlamyadia or gonorrhea and then flipping out on her. By confessing she is trying to downplay and control the narrative. Hence her wanting YOU to move on and forget. 

BTW, this was not a one time thing or first time. She just was not careful this time and panicked. They communicate at work so of course you find no evidence on her phone, Another sign she is a experienced cheater.

Sorry dude. Cheaters lie.


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## sokillme

Consequences without consequences nothing will change. So do you get to have sex 4 times now if you are really really hot for the girl? Sorry friend and I mean this in the most respectful way possible but your wife is full of ****. And a lousy wife at that.


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## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> Funny you mention. She was feeling weird down there and having some itching, so that is actually WHY she confessed to me, because I think she was worried that she contracted something, so she told me that she screwed up and told me the whole story about her one night stand. She did get tested and she is fine, thank god. I don't believe they are communicating. He's a director at her company. It's weird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


Poor guy.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at ^this^.

Either way, you’re in for one helluva ride.


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## stro

I am guessing she does know why she did it AND she remembers far more than she is saying. Would you be here if it were just one time? Or is the 4 times thing the bigger issue?


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## Midlo2004

Marc878 said:


> Rugsweeing. She remembers everything. Alcohol is not the problem.
> 
> She's not remorseful at all which means she'll probably do it again.
> 
> If you're smart you'll contact other mans wife and inform her with no warning. If you tell your wife she'll warn him.
> 
> Hiding their affair will enable him to come back for more. You can't trust your wife big yo give it to him again.


He is actually divorced and has been for 2 years.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> He is actually divorced and has been for 2 years.


Says who, your wife? Better confirm.


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## Midlo2004

Marc878 said:


> Cheaters often project their cheating onto their spouse. So this doesn't sound good.


So yes, when she first began travelling, she had been travelling for work for about 6 months, and I come home from work one day and she basically accuses of cheating. After hours of me defending myself, she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again. 

Also, she works from home when she isn't travelling, but she does travel about 50 % of the time. 

I appreciate your input. We have a great relationship, but I do think I'm going to ask her if she has done this before. We just spent a week in Florida for Spring Break and had a great time. She continues to not want to discuss it and basically wants to forget about it.


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## SunCMars

On the four times admission..

This was over-kill with this, her affirmation.

I can think of no reasonable reason for her to confess this.

She cheated, she admitted it. Then tells you it was four times... done.

I am getting fidgety reading this. This jello does not gel, doubt oozes out of my judging mindset.

Once done, once given is a huge cut, a painful gash. 
Admitting four times, thus, is pouring salt on your wounded heart. 

I just do not see anyone admitting to this. So, unnecessary.
Too much information given to her beloved, shocked husband.

Unless, unless she hates you. Wants you to wail...and then bail.
Leave her, leave the marriage.

This 'seems' not the case.







TH-

I cough, I choke, my doubt blocks my air of confidence.


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## Midlo2004

re16 said:


> Trusting anything at this point is a huge mistake. You need more info.
> 
> Have you thoroughly gone through her phone? They were likely communicating before / after this.
> 
> Maybe Snapchat / Whatsapp / Words with friends?
> 
> Have you had access to her phone? Does she have a separate work phone?


She only has a work phone and I have gone through all of those and her personal and work email. I have found nothing suspicious. Of course, it's not too hard to delete text, so who knows. She confessed this about 45 days after she did it.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> S she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again.


Not good. From the outside looking in on this situation, she seems like the classic cheater.

Have their been other red flags?

Does she hide her phone from you?

Lots of girls nights out when she's not travelling?

I would bet there is something else you've noticed....


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## Midlo2004

stro said:


> I am guessing she does know why she did it AND she remembers far more than she is saying. Would you be here if it were just one time? Or is the 4 times thing the bigger issue?


I think with one time it wouldn't have been an issue quite as much. I'm shocked that after the first time, she didn't come to her senses and use reason and stop. She did it 4 times which I'm just lost over. Like I said, in our relationship, it's usually me iinitiating sex, but she doesn't turn it down, but again, it's usually me initiating, and we do it about once every 5-6 days on average and it's great. So going from that to 4 times, is like....what happened? Is she more sex craved than she puts on to me? It's just confusing and she doesn't like to talk about it. I think some folks keep using the term she compartmentalized it, and that's a good word for it.


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## Midlo2004

SunCMars said:


> On the four times admission..
> 
> This was over-kill with this, her affirmation.
> 
> I can think of no reasonable reason for her to confess this.
> 
> She cheated, she admitted it. Then tells you it was four times... done.
> 
> I am getting fidgety reading this. This jello does not gel, doubt oozes out of my judging mindset.
> 
> Once done, once given is a huge cut, a painful gash.
> Admitting four times, thus, is pouring salt on your wounded heart.
> 
> I just do not see anyone admitting to this. So, unnecessary.
> Too much information given to her beloved, shocked husband.
> 
> Unless, unless she hates you. Wants you to wail...and then bail.
> Leave her, leave the marriage.
> 
> This 'seems' not the case.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> TH-
> 
> I cough, I choke, my doubt blocks my air of confidence.


I'm not following you. Not sure what you mean here.


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## Midlo2004

re16 said:


> Not good. From the outside looking in on this situation, she seems like the classic cheater.
> 
> Have their been other red flags?
> 
> Does she hide her phone from you?
> 
> Lots of girls nights out when she's not travelling?
> 
> I would bet there is something else you've noticed....


That's the thing. There hasn't been other red flags. We do things as a family. She works from home, and her business is in another state. She is close to her mom friends from our kids sport. We don't do things separately. I have access to her phone and facebook, etc.....

I really do think this has only happened this one time. I know my wife pretty well. She has never craved sex....trust me, I wish she did! LOL


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> She confessed this about 45 days after she did it.


She got away with it and then confessed later. This is not normal.

You realize that this guy will lose his job when you report this to the company's HR department. When are you talking to HR?


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## Midlo2004

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not convinced about this thread but **** it,I have nothing else to do so I will tell you something about your wife.
> Nobody suddenly goes from once a week sex to suddenly being screwed by some guy four times in one night and still able to go to work early the next morning.Your wife has been cheating on you for years and what you need to accept is why she told you this time.You are the safe little house husband while she travels around meeting her **** buddies and in my honest opinion she has decided not to hide it any more.You say she has a new job that involves less traveling, THAT is the reason she has owned up.She still wants her other men but she wants them in her home city.And her accusing you of cheating is laughable.
> She is going to live her life as she always has and you can either accept this or leave,she doesn’t really care.
> What is the income ratio in your marriage?


I make more, but she does well too. I make about $20k more than her. I agree, the whole 4 times in 4 hours has thrown me, because seriously, it's once a week or every 5 days for us. I travel for work too though.


----------



## Midlo2004

re16 said:


> She got away with it and then confessed later. This is not normal.
> 
> You realize that this guy will lose his job when you report this to the company's HR department. When are you talking to HR?


by not normal though, what do you mean? She has done this before? I do thinkn she confessed because she felt really awful and couldn't just keep it in anymore, and the fact that she thought she had something.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

She did it because she chose to do it, 4 times or 40 matters not.

Your choices will determine how much suffering you choose as well...

Choose wisely.


----------



## Andy1001

Midlo2004 said:


> That's the thing. There hasn't been other red flags. We do things as a family. She works from home, and her business is in another state. She is close to her mom friends from our kids sport. We don't do things separately. I have access to her phone and facebook, etc.....
> 
> I really do think this has only happened this one time. I know my wife pretty well. She has never craved sex....trust me, I wish she did! LOL


I’ve allready told you,compartmentalisation.You are the guy she can screw once a week to keep you happy,she has her other men for no holds barred monkey sex in a hotel room.And hotel sex with a new partner is great.
For the third time,find out why she told you this time.
There is something else you should do.Check with her doctors if she is really clear of any std’s.If they refuse to discuss her medical history then get tested yourself and use protection for at least six months.
Remember hiv takes months to show.


----------



## Midlo2004

Andy1001 said:


> I’ve allready told you,compartmentalisation.You are the guy she can screw once a week to keep you happy,she has her other men for no holds barred monkey sex in a hotel room.And hotel sex with a new partner is great.
> For the third time,find out why she told you this time.
> There is something else you should do.Check with her doctors if she is really clear of any std’s.If they refuse to discuss her medical history then get tested yourself and use protection for at least six months.
> Remember hiv takes months to show.


Isn't there always a first time though? What makes you think this was not her first time? I'm curious. I am taking your advice though to inquire about the other stuff and her other times....


----------



## re16

Has she talked about the director guy before?

Consider getting a couple of VARs and put one in her car. See weightlifters standard evidence thread.

Do you have access to the phone bill online? Can you compare it against the call / text history to look for deleted items?

You should seriously consider running a message recovery software on her phone....

Basically what we are all saying is that regardless of what your opinions are of her, there is strong likliehood that more is going on and she is good at hiding it and you are good at not seeing it.

You need to be suspicious.


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> He is actually divorced and has been for 2 years.


You can't believe her at this time. I've seen this before. A wayward always try's to protect the affair partner


----------



## 3putt

Marc878 said:


> You can't believe her at this time. I've seen this before. A wayward always try's to protect the affair partner


Ya' better believe this. 

Verify.


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> What makes you think this was not her first time? I'm curious. .


Have you read the other threads on here? This story plays out over and over. Someone comes here with minor suspicions or confessions and it turns out the cheater has been doing it all along and will continue to do so.

Try Shamwow's thread.... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html



Midlo2004 said:


> I am taking your advice though to inquire about the other stuff and her other times....


Good, you want to keep your investigations quiet from her so she doesn't think you are overly suspicious and try to conceal more than she already is.

Have you looked at what she packs on these trips? Fancy underwear, maybe stuff she doesn't wear for you?


----------



## colingrant

Wayward spouses typically "can't remember" or will minimize or the quality of extramarital sex they had, fully understanding an admission would further humiliate and deepen the pain of there betrayed spouse. Remember, you can't compete with new dxxk. No one can. The excitement and naughtiness factors will make it seem better than it actually is. New emotional and physical partners bring a different short lived element to the dynamic of affairs. It's incumbent upon the WW to recognize this for what it is. But again, regardless of what she say's, stay vigilant. 

Now my practical, real life thoughts are, you have to take an extremely strong stand here or she'll take you for a roller-coaster ride for as long as you will allow her. You cannot go on what type of wife she's always been. You have to go with how she is now, which is wayward and possibly more curious and not done being a wayward. Your response and follow through will determine your degree of happiness in the near future.


----------



## bob_dobalina

every time you have been accused of cheating could be a guilt trip on her part that she has i think she might have more of a sexual appetite than she has exposed at home .and the confession may be because of getting in first before someone else may have seen her and going to let you know


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> So yes, when she first began travelling, she had been travelling for work for about 6 months, and I come home from work one day and she basically accuses of cheating. After hours of me defending myself, she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again.
> 
> Also, she works from home when she isn't travelling, but she does travel about 50 % of the time.
> 
> I appreciate your input. We have a great relationship, but I do think I'm going to ask her if she has done this before. We just spent a week in Florida for Spring Break and had a great time. *She continues to not want to discuss it and basically wants to forget about it.*


Just be informed and know what you're up against. This wasn't a mistake. It just didn't happen. She made a conscious and willing decision to cheat.

It's a part of who she is you just didn't know it before.

If your realtionship is so great why did she have an affair? 

The really bad part is she seems to care less about what dyes done to you. Like most love is blinding. She offloads it onto you then wants a full rugsweep.

You are in shock and some deal of who she really is and is capable of.

Better wake up to reality of who she is.

Sorry you're here


----------



## Andy1001

Midlo2004 said:


> Isn't there always a first time though? What makes you think this was not her first time? I'm curious. I am taking your advice though to inquire about the other stuff and her other times....


Experience, that’s what tells me it isn’t the first time.I’ve been there,done that and bought the T-shirt.
You say you have sex on average once every five or six days.What is the chance of you tonight,having sex four times and then getting up early for work.
I have a bad feeling about your wife and the more I think about her telling you about her adultry the more I feel the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet.Im not trying to besmirch your wife,she is doing a fine job of that on her own but could she have been filmed by this guy she is screwing.
There is definitely more to her story.


----------



## Midlo2004

Marc878 said:


> Just be informed and know what you're up against. This wasn't a mistake. It just didn't happen. She made a conscious and willing decision to cheat.
> 
> It's a part of who she is you just didn't know it before.
> 
> If your realtionship is so great why did she have an affair?
> 
> The really bad part is she seems to care less about what dyes done to you. Like most love is blinding. She offloads it onto you then wants a full rugsweep.
> 
> You are in shock and some deal of who she really is and is capable of.
> 
> Better wake up to reality of who she is.
> 
> Sorry you're here


Thanks - yes, I think I'm in shock of what she is capable of. She says the reason for 4 times, was she didn't even orgasm the first two times, so she actually intitiated it after that. The weird thing is that yes, it actually feels like I'm the bad one here for wanting to keep talking about it. She gets defensive and basically says, I've answered all of your questions. Why do you keep asking the same questions....She said it was just different and it was hot though. 

Also, he is definitely divorced. I know this for sure.

It does have me thinking that maybe she has done this more than she says though, which is why maybe she isn't sex craved at home, because she gets more than what I can give when she travels.


----------



## re16

Andy1001 said:


> I have a bad feeling about your wife and the more I think about her telling you about her adultry the more I feel the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet.Im not trying to besmirch your wife,she is doing a fine job of that on her own but could she have been filmed by this guy she is screwing.
> There is definitely more to her story.


Andy is right. There is a reason other than her good conscious that she came clean 45 days after getting away with having sex with thick ****.

Maybe he has something on her and is threatening to tell Midlo if she doesn't keep doing it?

Maybe its another co-worker... whatever it is, she was trying to set the stage in case the beans were spilled.


----------



## press85

Dont assume you know everything. Take it easy. Check phone records. and read the following links. DO THE 180. Tell her you are wrapping your head around this and there needs to be new boundaries for starters. she needs to get another job because she has done this before as everyone is telling most likely.
Read the links for all the info you need to help make good decision. YOU KNOW less than 10 % of what she has done/ is still doing. 
Once you have an idea what to expect: ask for a timeline ( she will blow you off) but insist because she had to flirt with him for a long time to have sex. 
Ask everything about him, tell his wife. Blow up his world. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. 
Tell her you are DNA'ing your kids just to shock her.
Out her to your and her parents ( strategize first). 
a lot of reading below will get you up to speed on what to do. DONOT BE WEAK. She is not your friend.
I guess I dont have enough posts to post links.
Search for SurvivingInfidelity.com - Informational Articles Related to Infidelity and go thru that site.


----------



## Midlo2004

Andy1001 said:


> Experience, that’s what tells me it isn’t the first time.I’ve been there,done that and bought the T-shirt.
> You say you have sex on average once every five or six days.What is the chance of you tonight,having sex four times and then getting up early for work.
> I have a bad feeling about your wife and the more I think about her telling you about her adultry the more I feel the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet.Im not trying to besmirch your wife,she is doing a fine job of that on her own but could she have been filmed by this guy she is screwing.
> There is definitely more to her story.


Maybe. She tells me she still is no different. I asked her to be more sexually open with me because of this, and she says that she'll try, but she still is who she is and she wasn't any different with this guy.....I agree, it doesn't all add up. The 4 times part doesn't add up for me.


----------



## stro

Sad to say, there is far more yet to be revealed here. You should lay out some very real consequences for your wife and see if her memory improves. Her desire to forget about it and move on is directed at you. She remembers it fine. Keep digging.


----------



## Midlo2004

re16 said:


> Andy is right. There is a reason other than her good conscious that she came clean 45 days after getting away with having sex with thick ****.
> 
> Maybe he has something on her and is threatening to tell Midlo if she doesn't keep doing it?
> 
> Maybe its another co-worker... whatever it is, she was trying to set the stage in case the beans were spilled.


Funny you mention because I asked her if she would be seeing him at all and she said she wouldn't see him for another year, basically the next years sales conference. Because she is also switching sales teams and won't be working with him at all. 

She did say he asked her why she was doing it because he knew she was married and she just said "she didn't know...basically it was just sex" to her.


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> Thanks - it actually feels like I'm the bad one here for wanting to keep talking about it. She gets defensive and basically says, I've answered all of your questions. Why do you keep asking the same questions....She said it was just different and it was hot though.


Ouch. She committed an act that would lead to immediate divorce by most of us and she wants you to stop talking about it? Really? You are allowing this? C'mon.

The way this works is 1. Affair. 2. Consequences by betrayed spouse. 3. Massive remorse by wayward. 4. Betrayed can choose to offer gift of reconciliation once remorse is shown or divorce.

You haven't done step #2. You will never get #3 without #2.

Step #1 (her screwing guys while travelling) will repeat over and over until you do #2 and there is no guarantee that will even stop it.


----------



## Midlo2004

why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


----------



## chillymorn69

The only course of action in my mind is divorce!

She has been cheating for years. And you know it. You know deep down inside. There is no recovery from this. Your just wasting your life with her. 

My prediction is you will try the reconcile you will think its whats best for your kids you will rationalize it everyway possible ...meanwhile inside it will eat you alive the stress and uncernity the lact of respect and trust will destroy your heath.


Go dark call a lawyer get this show over with.


Sorry your hear!

God speed!


----------



## Midlo2004

The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> She did say he asked her why she was doing it because he knew she was married and she just said "she didn't know...basically it was just sex" to her.


Just sex ... .classic cheater line. I bet she wouldn't think it was just sex if it was you screwing someone else.


Did she say if they used a condom? Is she on birth control?


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> Funny you mention because *I asked her if she would be seeing him at all and she said she wouldn't see him for another year, basically the next years sales conference.* Because she is also switching sales teams and won't be working with him at all.
> 
> You seem to be pretty accepting of her actions
> 
> She did say he asked her why she was doing it because he knew she was married and she just said "*shes didn't know...basically it was just sex" to her.*


Sounds like she was the one who initiated it.

so basically her marriage, you and family didn't mean much to her if she threw it all away just for sex?

Unless she knows she can do anything she wants and you'll roll over and take it. That's called no respect. It puts you in a low status.


----------



## arbitrator

Midlo2004 said:


> Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her. We discussed it all afternoon and have since talked about it many times since. I was completely shocked because she is the last person I would have ever thought to actually do that. She never has before and is actually very conservative in that department anyway. I mean we have sex about every 5 days but we do experiment with positions and what not but she isn't like a total freak or anything. We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off and she doesn't even know why she did it. She explained that there isn't a relationship there, and she even was at a conference the next week and the guy happened to be there too, but she said it was done. What has blown me away and left me confused though is that she told me she and the other man had sex 4 times in about 4 hours during this night. Why I was confused by that is because the most she has ever done with me was twice in one day. Now I will say she travels a lot for work and this happened at a conference in Miami, where she says she felt flattered by him (she's known him about a year), and she thinks he was pursuing her. But she did say that it was mutually agreed and it took "two to tango".* I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times.* She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times. I'm the only guy she has ever been with until this happened.


*Because Time #4 felt better than Time #3; Time #3 felt better than Time #2; Time #2 felt better than Time #1; Time #1 felt better than oral; Oral felt better than being felt up; Being felt up felt considerably better than kissing; kissing felt better than holding hands!

The Law of Logical Progression, I'd say!

Right now, I'd be more concerned about Times #5, 6, 7, and 8! Maybe 9 and 10, too! *


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


Yikes, that's very enabling to her to think that you kinda like it. (Do you?)

If you don't really mean that, I wouldn't say that even as a ploy for confession.

Threaten a poly and drive to the parking lot, you don't even have to setup a real poly... get there half an hour before the supposed time of the test. She will reveal more.

At a minimum, you could bluff and say you know that she hasn't told the full truth and you are going to file for divorce unless she comes clean.

You have to be willling to lose it all if you want to fix this (I'm not sure why you do though).


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


Sounds like she wants sex just not with you. Only once a week? 

Weakness is unnattractive to women. I suspect this is where you've put yourself with your actions.

Yep, you are on a very hard road


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


There is no way it was her guilt. I think we all know that.

Someone was threatening to tell you if she didn't.

Who have you told about this? Did she tell you to talk anyone specific about what happened?


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


Ah... another BH with a hotwife fetish.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

@Midlo2004 You are asking a few times, to the Vet posters, how do you know this, or how do you know that?

Sadly my man, if you read a good portion of the posts around here. All of these despicable betrayals have so many damn parallels and so much can be identified or predicted without even knowing you or Wayward Wife.

Her projections upon you about you cheating was a huge red flag once many read that comment. Her defensive behavior and a lot more are pointing to the 'script' that cheaters follow leading up to cheating, while they are cheating and after, except for there usually isn't an after, they don't usually stop.

I really hope you were just trying to play mind games with her about the thought of liking that you wife was banged by someone else or else you have much bigger problems here. 

Once you get to reading the threads around here or any other forum that covers infidelity, you are going to see, sadly where this leads and you will discover, what you know is not the half of it.


----------



## re16

Essentially what we have here is this:

Wife: I had sex with another man 4 times in a night and it was hot.
Husband: Well, was he bigger than me?
Wife: Thick... haha.
Husband: Well, can I do it with you four times in a night?
Wife: No. And stop asking me about it already.
Husband: Ok. Carryon then.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Yeah, I think we're all amazed that you're acting like she put a dent in the car. She's done talking about it, she even giggled about it. It's already repaired apparently, and it won't happen again... maybe. She gets mad if you ask questions about it. 

Wait, WHAT? She had another man's dlck in her, willingly, four times, and SHE'S the one who's angry? She finds him more sexually interesting than she ever found you? Yeah, I would have gone ballistic already and been talking divorce in every conversation. I would have already seen an attorney. Your next bothersome questions for her should cover how to split up the proceeds of the sale of the house. Maybe she won't find that question so annoying?

If you really have cuckold fantasies, then fine, no problem. Just let us know so that we can bow out of what we thought was a legitimate discussion about infidelity.


----------



## TDSC60

Midlo2004 said:


> Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


When a cheater accuses the faithful spouse of cheating, it is called Transference. She is accusing you of doing what she is doing.

So her accusing you over the last 3 years adds up to her cheating over the last 3-4 years.

Sorry, but I don't think this is her first time straying. She thought she contracted an STD and had passed it along to you. She had to confess.

Her saying she had no memory of any details is total BS. If she said to you that they did nothing the two of you have not done..........how can that be true if she does not remember details?


----------



## Midlo2004

Tatsuhiko said:


> Yeah, I think we're all amazed that you're acting like she put a dent in the car. She's done talking about it, she even giggled about it. It's already repaired apparently, and it won't happen again... maybe. She gets mad if you ask questions about it.
> 
> Wait, WHAT? She had another man's dlck in her, willingly, four times, and SHE'S the one who's angry? She finds him more sexually interesting than she ever found you? Yeah, I would have gone ballistic already and been talking divorce in every conversation. I would have already seen an attorney. Your next bothersome questions for her should cover how to split up the proceeds of the sale of the house. Maybe she won't find that question so annoying?
> 
> If you really have cuckold fantasies, then fine, no problem. Just let us know so that we can bow out of what we thought was a legitimate discussion about infidelity.


I haven't read any forums on here. I joined today because I saw this is as a mechanism that I could be completely honest and get some honest feedback. I haven't told or discussed this with anyone because first, all of our families are very close. All of our friends are very close and this would destroy much of that. 

To the cuckold, don't try to read into something that you would like for it to be. I was hoping this discussion would help me in understanding the why behind this - and yes, I think her doing it 4 times is a big part of it, because that is so out of the norm and it also told me that she never came to her senses or had any guilt until literally all of her sexual emotions had been spent. 

I appreciate all of the input from everyone. It's definitely given me some things to think about.


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> I haven't read any forums on here. I joined today because I saw this is as a mechanism that I could be completely honest and get some honest feedback. I haven't told or discussed this with anyone because first, all of our families are very close. All of our friends are very close and this would destroy much of that.
> 
> To the cuckold, don't try to read into something that you would like for it to be. I was hoping this discussion would help me in understanding the why behind this - and yes, I think her doing it 4 times is a big part of it, because that is so out of the norm and it also told me that she never came to her senses or had any guilt until literally all of her sexual emotions had been spent.
> 
> I appreciate all of the input from everyone. It's definitely given me some things to think about.


Midlo, we're here for you. It might feel like you are being hit with TAM 2x4's, but were trying to knock some sense into you because we've been through it before.

Follow the advice you get here and you'll get to the bottom of it and if you do end up reconciling with her, it will be real. You are only at the very beginning of a difficult situation.


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> I haven't read any forums on here. I joined today because I saw this is as a mechanism that I could be completely honest and get some honest feedback. I haven't told or discussed this with anyone because first, all of our families are very close. All of our friends are very close and this would destroy much of that.
> 
> *To the cuckold, don't try to read into something that you would like for it to be.* I was hoping this discussion would help me in understanding the why behind this - and yes, I think her doing it 4 times is a big part of it, because that is so out of the norm and it also told me that she never came to her senses or had any guilt until literally all of her sexual emotions had been spent.
> 
> I appreciate all of the input from everyone. It's definitely given me some things to think about.


Ha!

If you’re referencing my last post, you (VERY) clearly misunderstood me. That or you don’t understand what the word “cuckold” means.

_Especially_ if you’re getting off at the thought of some other dude banging your wife.


----------



## Midlo2004

re16 said:


> Mildo, we're here for you. It might feel like you are being hit with TAM 2x4's, but were trying to knock some sense into you because we've been through it before.
> 
> Follow the advice you get here and you'll get to the bottom of it and if you do end up reconciling with her, it will be real. You are only at the very beginning of a difficult situation.


Thank you. Should I keep asking her to discuss it with me? Because she will listen to me, but she really doesn't like to discuss it. I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> Thank you. Should I keep asking her to discuss it with me? Because she will listen to me, but she really doesn't like to discuss it. I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


I would go dark for a little while. Your next discussion needs to be well thought out.

If she asks why you are acting funny, tell her that you are struggling with what she's done to you.

Read up on the 180.

Do some hardcore recon on her.

Put the VARs in place.

Search the entire house and cars.

She might have a burner phone....check the list of bluetooth devices on the car to see if another phone is setup.

Is she traveling now? (50/50 chance right?)


----------



## farsidejunky

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe. She tells me she still is no different. I asked her to be more sexually open with me because of this, and she says that she'll try, but she still is who she is and she wasn't any different with this guy.....I agree, it doesn't all add up. The 4 times part doesn't add up for me.


Please tell me you see through this.


----------



## farsidejunky

Midlo2004 said:


> why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


Fear of transmitting an STD to you.


----------



## Midlo2004

farsidejunky said:


> Please tell me you see through this.


I guess I don't. Not sure what you mean. What should I be seeing?


----------



## farsidejunky

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


"Wife, failure to disclose that which I ask of you regarding your affair tells me there is no marriage to save here. I don't believe for a moment that you forget half of the things that you claim."

Right now, she is putting the onus on you to sweep this under the rug.

You need to flip the script by placing this squarely upon her shoulders. Either she shows adequate actions to show she can become a trustworthy partner again, or you should be walking briskly towards divorce.


----------



## Midlo2004

Also, she said they didn't use protection. She has had her period since then - twice.


----------



## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> Thank you. Should I keep asking her to discuss it with me? Because she will listen to me, but she really doesn't like to discuss it. I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


You shouldn't be asking.

She's not spilling her guts because she faces no consequences.

Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer yet?


----------



## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> Also, she said they didn't use protection. She has had her period since then - twice.


Seriously, when are going to get angry?


----------



## farsidejunky

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess I don't. Not sure what you mean. What should I be seeing?


Because she isn't sexually into you enough to want to pursue such acts.

There is no other answer but that.

What you have to figure out is if you can actually live with this.


----------



## TDSC60

Midlo2004 said:


> Thank you. Should I keep asking her to discuss it with me? Because she will listen to me, but she really doesn't like to discuss it. I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


Wife, I can not forgive you and move forward until I know for sure WHAT I AM FORGIVING. So if will not answer my questions truthfully, my imagination will fill in the missing parts.


----------



## Edmund

stillthinking said:


> She can’t remember. Classic.
> 
> 
> 
> She was buzzed but coherent. Had the presence of mind to not pressured into anything. Yet cannot recall the sex? The positions? Oral?
> 
> 
> 
> Really? Just all lost in the ethers?
> 
> 
> 
> Well if you decide to stay married to her, and if she keeps traveling for work, you should budget for quarterly polygraphs.



Not polygraphs (she tells him), rather STD tests.


----------



## Midlo2004

I guess the anger has faded because it's been 4 weeks since she initially confessed to me, so I've been able to manage it.

Also, yes, she actually is travelling this week. She hasn't traveled in 3 weeks though. I just got off the phone with her and discussed this more and bottom line is that she swears up and down that she has never done this. And I asked and asked and told her it was okay, but I want to know so we can move on. As for why she did it, it was basically lust and sexual attraction that evening that led up to it and he didn't necessarily ask her, it was a mutual thing for him to go to her room in the hotel.

And, I know you all will bark at me for this, but I do believe her. She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so, the reward isn't worth the risk. I know her well, been together for 16 years, and married for 14. Been through 16 months of deployments as well. 

thank you for your advice thus far.


----------



## sokillme

You don't realize it yet but your wife has transformed herself from a source of happiness and joy to only a source of pain. You'll get there. Sorry.


----------



## Edmund

Andy1001 said:


> When I was younger I spent years constantly traveling.In all humility I will say I was very handsome and had no problem picking up women anywhere in the world.
> 
> You have heard the saying what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.Substitute Vegas for any city you care to mention and the same metaphor applies.People who spend a lot of time away from home often compartmentalise their lives.
> 
> I would bet my house and car that this is not your wife’s first rodeo.She owned up this time because she thought she had caught an std.
> 
> You don’t seem to bothered about her cheating other than the om could go four times in one night,would that be a fair comment? Maybe you have an undiagnosed cuckold fetish.



He’s also interested to know about the size of the guy’s package, and all the details of the night. So yes, he probably is a hotwife husband, if not a cuckold.

OP, if you are going to let your wife cheat like this without consequences, she is going to do it more, no matter where she works or how much she travels. If you are not OK with her doing this, you need to tell her that she has voided the sexual exclusivity provisions of your marriage vows, and you will feel free to indulge with other women if and when the opportunity arises, and that you might tell her about it afterward in the event you suspect you might have gotten a STD. Alternatively, you can do what everybody on here is going to tell you, file for divorce.

Try to consider what is best for your children when making your decision.


----------



## Midlo2004

sokillme said:


> You don't realize it yet but your wife has transformed herself from a source of happiness and joy to only a source of pain. You'll get there. Sorry.


Yes, we are working through it. She still makes me happy and is my best friend, but she screwed up royally.


----------



## Midlo2004

Edmund said:


> He’s also interested to know about the size of the guy’s package, and all the details of the night. So yes, he probably is a hotwife husband, if not a cuckold.
> 
> OP, if you are going to let your wife cheat like this without consequences, she is going to do it more, no matter where she works or how much she travels. If you are not OK with her doing this, you need to tell her that she has voided the sexual exclusivity provisions of your marriage vows, and you will feel free to indulge with other women if and when the opportunity arises, and that you might tell her about it afterward in the event you suspect you might have gotten a STD. Alternatively, you can do what everybody on here is going to tell you, file for divorce.
> 
> Try to consider what is best for your children when making your decision.


Actually, she gave me a hall pass. and I'm not interested.....only brings about other potential issues.

So yeah, asking about the package makes me a hotwife husband. lol. Okay buddy. 
Considering what is best for my girls is why 80% of the comments on here are disregarded and come from folks who've obviously been burned. I'll work this out.


----------



## Handy

Midlo2004 , having sex with a new partner sometimes makes sex hotter for some people. I read an affair forum and the people there talk about "new relationship energy/buzz." For some of the affair people they meet and have sex until they can't stay awake. Most of this is because of the "new relationship energy/buzz" because of the newness of the relationship. Maybe your W saw this guy as extra caring or a stud and it turned her on. New romantic or sexual partners can get some people's juices flowing, then the sex might be hot. You can actually be a better lover but you can't be NEW, so the "new relationship energy" isn't there for her. Do not doubt yourself as being not enough for her. I suspect the "new relationship energy" made her think 4 times was OK at the time.

Men and many women are curious about other gender's sexuality and practices. Some people aren't that curious to the point of actually meeting other potential partners.

I haven't traveled that much for work but after the meetings and other direct travel work, hanging out with people, shopping, going to entertaining places seems like what some people want to do. If there is a sexual buzz, then that is where trouble could start.

Your w accusing you of having an affair in the past to means she saw it happen often or might have have almost or did have an affair herself. Just how far she went or thought about doing anything or what she did or didn't do is unknown to you right now.


----------



## OutofRetirement

*"He was (giggly) thick!"* was what she told you 45 days later when she confessed. Does that sound like a person who is sorry? Guilty? This sounds like a person who enjoyed it and would like to tell you just how much fun she had. Too bad you are such a debbie downer.


Midlo, you post as if you are very calm. Maybe shocked? Or in denial?

Your wife had sex with a guy bareback and thought she had an STD, so she got tested. She could have gotten pregnant, too.

Are you really angry and not showing it?

Or are you somehow not really angry? 

Like you kind of understand, she's hot, guys hit on her, it was sooner or later she would go for it with one of them?

If I were in your situation, married with a couple young kids, wife had unprotected sex, she thought she was diseased and pregnant, but luckily she dodged the bullet, she got all giggly telling me how thick he was, she went all night with him because it was so hot, and when I asked about it she grudgingly listened to me, but told me she can't remember anything else than that and was kind of angry about it. So I told her keep her dang memories to herself, I don't want her telling me about it anyway, Feck Her, and I divorced her - what would you think of me for divorcing her?

Truly, one of the most frustrating and unsatisfying things in life is trying to force another person to feel a certain way or do a specific thing. You can't force her to be sorry.

I'm just curious. She's basically just telling you, "I did this, 'too bad, so sad' (my kids say this), just shut up about it and stop being so whiny." Did she ever tell you, "Since I had so much fun, why don't you find yourself a hot woman who is really tight and see how much stamina you can have with her?" Did she offer you a free pass? I'm saying you shouldn't do it if she offers, but I'm just curious how selfish she is, since it's just sex and no big deal, if she'd feel the same if you did it? And if so, would she mind if you got a free pass? Or is she a special snowflake, it's good for her, but not for you?


----------



## sokillme

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, we are working through it. She still makes me happy and is my best friend, but she screwed up royally.


Ask you "best friend" to take a polygraph.

By the way did you cheat on her? Something is up with your reaction.


----------



## stillthinking

> I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


No. You know how. Its been suggested here about 10 times. 

Demand, not ask for, a Polygraph.

But here is the rub. Are you willing to leave her? Are you willing to make demands and set expectations? Are you willing to walk away of she does not agree to those demands, or meet those expectations? If so, then get the poly. 

But if you know in your heart that you are going to stay, no matter what she did. No matter what she does in the future. Then save your money. 

You have to ask yourself...Do you REALLY want to know what she did/is doing? Do you REALLY want to see the real woman you married? Really see who she has become? 

Because once you know, you cannot un-know, and un-remember.


----------



## aine

Hi Milo,

Sorry you find yourself on this site for the wrong reasons. There are a few things you should be aware of

1. It is likely that this is the tip of the iceberg for your wife. She may well have done this before
2. Telling you they did it four times may be true but it is likely to be a lie cloaked in some truth. They may have done it over different times
3. A woman doesn't suddenly have sex and then be unable to explain why this happened. There is something she is not telling you.
4. There have to be consequences, you are currently rug sweeping. She will not respect you if you are willing to simply rug sweep and move on. Then there is nothing to stop her when she is bored or itchy the next time

5. So, you have ot show you mean business. Make her take a lie detector test.
6. No sex with her until you are satisfied that she has not slept with anyone else at any other time, otherwise this will come back to haunt you
7. Without swift action, she will lie to you and trickle truth. 
8. You sound quite weak to be honest, aren't your raging mad that she has done this? How can you trust her in future with that amount travelling?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Edmund said:
> 
> 
> 
> He’s also interested to know about the size of the guy’s package, and all the details of the night. So yes, he probably is a hotwife husband, if not a cuckold.
> 
> OP, if you are going to let your wife cheat like this without consequences, she is going to do it more, no matter where she works or how much she travels. If you are not OK with her doing this, you need to tell her that she has voided the sexual exclusivity provisions of your marriage vows, and you will feel free to indulge with other women if and when the opportunity arises, and that you might tell her about it afterward in the event you suspect you might have gotten a STD. Alternatively, you can do what everybody on here is going to tell you, file for divorce.
> 
> Try to consider what is best for your children when making your decision.
> 
> 
> 
> Actually, she gave me a hall pass. and I'm not interested.....only brings about other potential issues.
> 
> So yeah, asking about the package makes me a hotwife husband. lol. Okay buddy.
> Considering what is best for my girls is why 80% of the comments on here are disregarded and come from folks who've obviously been burned. I'll work this out.
Click to expand...

I could do without the name calling here but most are trying to help beat some sense into you. You are me 8 months ago and so many others. Yes we have been burned but most of us are not jaded. In fact the opposite. We really want to help but you have to understand if you really want to save your marriage ...what seems like logic in so many other situations is going to send you where I am today. You may be headed there anyway even if you do everything possible. 

That's the real sh#### thing about this is that the element of control and rational are no longer part of the equation. I do wanted to do the best for my 2 kids and honestly ... For my wife but people like this don't think they need help. In fact they think we are the ones out of touch with reality and we just don't understand.

It goes against logic to push because you fear pushing her out the door but she already left. It's a bad sign that she already is sick if your questions and she is reluctant to give you what you desire. And I have to say, the fact she did this without protection makes it much worse imo, if that's possible. 

You are thinking of your kids but right now your kids need a strong dad. It's time to get pissed inside. Do the 180 outside and see how she reacts. If she starts blaming you for things after ... You will know what kind of selfish individual you will be dealing with for as long as you are willing to.

Sorry you are here and none of this makes sense and it won't for a very long time but throw sense out the window and start detaching to see how much remorse and human decency she actually has. No more small talk with her. Just work on yourself and kids.


----------



## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess the anger has faded because it's been 4 weeks since she initially confessed to me, so I've been able to manage it.
> 
> *Also, yes, she actually is travelling this week.* She hasn't traveled in 3 weeks though. I just got off the phone with her and discussed this more and bottom line is that she swears up and down that she has never done this. And I asked and asked and told her it was okay, but I want to know so we can move on. *As for why she did it, it was basically lust and sexual attraction that evening that led up to it and he didn't necessarily ask her, it was a mutual thing for him to go to her room in the hotel.
> 
> *And, I know you all will bark at me for this, but I do believe her. She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so, the reward isn't worth the risk. I know her well, been together for 16 years, and married for 14. Been through 16 months of deployments as well.
> 
> thank you for your advice thus far.


So she did it once ( she says ) . And she's travelling again. And you think she's not going to feel sexual attraction again? Ever?

Since you haven't mentioned divorce ( did you ? ) why shouldn't she believe that she can escape consequences it she does it again?

Or will it be the second time ? 

Do you think you'll spend the rest of your marriage wondering every time she travels?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

re16 said:


> Has she talked about the director guy before?
> 
> Consider getting a couple of VARs and put one in her car. See weightlifters standard evidence thread.
> 
> Do you have access to the phone bill online? Can you compare it against the call / text history to look for deleted items?
> 
> You should seriously consider running a message recovery software on her phone....
> 
> Basically what we are all saying is that regardless of what your opinions are of her, there is strong likliehood that more is going on and she is good at hiding it and you are good at not seeing it.
> 
> You need to be suspicious.


Brother wake up and smell the coffee. This is not her first rodeo. She is playing you like a violin. Now you mention the guy she had the affair with is a director, so therefore, I can assume he is her superior? Well brother, if you want to get a nice financial settlement go to HR, report the affair, and threaten to sue the **** out of them. You will then find also where your wife’s loyalty lies as how she responds to you reporting the fling to HR. If she is upset about other man getting in trouble, you have your answer. Regardless, she needs another job if you wish to work through this and stay married.


----------



## OutofRetirement

She thought of guys as dirty dogs. Yet she had sex with no protection. Why was he not a dirty dog? Or did she just not care? She has not given you a real reason as to why she did it. If she doesn't know why, then why can you think she won't do it again? If you can think it would happen again, how will you handle her going on a trip, or even a night out alone?

Compared to four times in four hours VS Possible do this again, next time might get STDs or pregnant -- what bothers you more?

I'm not praising or criticizing other posts - but is it possible that people post based on what you posted?

As you can see, I don't understand the confusion about four times in four hours. She enjoyed it. "OH, but she never does that with me!" Well, what can I say about that? Maybe she enjoyed it more with him than with you. Maybe he had a special thick piece and she only would have one night and she wanted to make the most of it. 

You ask, why won't she tell you about it?

My question, why should she tell you? What's in it for her? Her initial confession has caused her nothing but headache.

How do you get her to give you more info? Her doing so must be more beneficial than not. Reward or punishment. Consequence.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess the anger has faded because it's been 4 weeks since she initially confessed to me, so I've been able to manage it.
> 
> Also, yes, she actually is travelling this week. She hasn't traveled in 3 weeks though. I just got off the phone with her and discussed this more and bottom line is that she swears up and down that she has never done this. And I asked and asked and told her it was okay, but I want to know so we can move on. As for why she did it, it was basically lust and sexual attraction that evening that led up to it and he didn't necessarily ask her, it was a mutual thing for him to go to her room in the hotel.
> 
> And, I know you all will bark at me for this, but I do believe her. She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so, the reward isn't worth the risk. I know her well, been together for 16 years, and married for 14. Been through 16 months of deployments as well.
> 
> thank you for your advice thus far.


Four weeks and all is well. Bull****. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I am in r and I still have trouble managing it at times.You are being a doormat. Remember, cheaters lie. Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth. I would recommend a polygraph:

Question 1- Was this only encounter with POSOM?
Question 2- Do you love POSOM?
Question 3- Have you had other affairs?
Question 4- Do you love Midlo?

These are the top four questions to consider. I would encourage you to file for divorce. She needs consequences.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Also we have two little girls. Just so confused as to why/how this happened. I mean, I know why - she is pretty good looking and men hit on good looking girls, especially as much as she travels for work, but she has travelled for 3 years now, and this has never happened until now.


You honestly can’t say this is true.


----------



## ABHale

Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you haven’t kicked her out of your bed and filed for divorce. When you are able to answer that you will know why and how she can do this to you.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> That's what she tells me. The thing is, she brought this up to me, so I have to believe this happened only this one time. I didn't suspect anything and I even went through her phone and they don't text, email, and I didn't find any other text, emails, facebook messages or anything that would make me suspicious. She really is a good girl.


You really can’t be this naive.


----------



## colingrant

Midlo2004 said:


> That's what she tells me. The thing is, she brought this up to me, *so I have to believe this happened only this one time.* I didn't suspect anything and I even went through her phone and they don't text, email, and I didn't find any other text, emails, facebook messages or anything that would make me suspicious. She really is a good girl.


No you don't have to believe. Best to believe NOTHING. I presume you aren't a cheater, but it will serve you extremely well to try to think like one so that you can come close to understanding your wife's motives. If you find that you can't, don't worry that's what we are here for. Sometimes an admission is a strategy to throw you off of additional unfaithful activity. The thinking behind the WS's actions is, since she was forthcoming with information that you will find her credible and therefor truthful about her clandestine activities. In other words, she's thinking and saying since I voluntarily told him, he will take my word for it and not inquire about the real depth of my betrayal. 

Sometime wayward spouses (and betrayed ones) think one evening of passion can be worked out, but a sustained sexual relationship may not be. So, WS minimize the affair to control the outcome. Sounds crazy since you've been with your wife for years, but she committed and unspeakable act and will go to *GREAT *lengths to preserve the marriage, lost dignity, respect or worse yet, her boyfriend and her relationship with him. It's ugly any way you look at it.


----------



## TheBohannons

When he asked her how was he, she giggled and said "thick" She might as well of said. "Yummy". 

Your so bent out of shape about the 4 times, you won't see it was probably 40. You live in fear and that's why you were cheated on.

If you have any sense of worth, put the polygraph on the table. No, is not a acceptable answer. Place the value of your worth above someone willing to inflict pain and giggle about it.

Do what you got to do.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Funny you mention. She was feeling weird down there and having some itching, so that is actually WHY she confessed to me, because I think she was worried that she contracted something, so she told me that she screwed up and told me the whole story about her one night stand. She did get tested and she is fine, thank god. I don't believe they are communicating. He's a director at her company. It's weird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


So this is the first time she caught something so she had to confess.


----------



## becareful2

OP,

Iif you read forums like this long enough, you'll recongize a pattern: that betrayed spouses who take quick, decisive actions from a place of strength have the best chance of not only saving but strengthening their marriage after an affair. You asked rather than demand answers, when you should be demanding answers from her rather than asking. You seem conflict avoidant and from the tone of your posts, you don't seem to be wearing the pants in this relationship. Suzanne Massie once taught Ronald Reagan these words: {Doveryai, no proveryai} (trust, but verify). Right now you have chosen to believe your wife without bothering to verify anything with a polygraph. You're not being prudent. If she gives you an antibiotic-resistant STD or HIV someday, don't say we didn't warn you.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Midlo2004 said:


> She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so,* the reward isn't worth the risk.*


 It was worth the risk 4 times, 4 weeks ago.
The way you are playing this makes me really feel sorry for you in regards to the disrespectful misery you are about to face. You are being gaslighted and played, and if you don't harden up and impose some consequences, it will never end until she finds the right guy to leave you for.


----------



## jlg07

Midlo2004 said:


> And I think that is my main issue with this. Because of course one of our first discussions was me asking "so what was his package like...", and she of course basically giggle, and said he was "thick!", but then quickly changed the subject. But main issue is, she has NEVER done that with me! Even when we first got married (granted we were young, 22), but she has typically been shy/conservative about sex. and then BAM, she has sex 4 times with this dude, in a 4 hour period. I've asked her so many times about that specific part, and she just says, that they were both still horny. I'm guessing he dug her as much as she dug him.


She is obviously lying about not remembering the details -- she slipped and TOLD you one. Cheaters often do things with their AP's they don't do with their spouse. Really doesn't sound like she is remorseful.
You cannot trust anything she says -- she NEEDS to leave her job. her travelling is just going to cause more hurt for you. You sound like you are rug sweeping this "well, it was just once, well she is a good girl, well this is the only time...." BS. You are not getting the truth, and you are not causing her to face any consequences.

EDT: I see that you said he is divorced

I really think you need to make sure there are consequences to this. One afternoon of talking isn't sufficient by ANY stretch -- she cheated on you! 
Good Lord, why aren't you pissed? She had BAREBACK sex with the guy, she is very flippant about it and REALLY IS NOT REMORSEFUL. "oh gee, sorry, so can we go to Spring break now?" SERIOUSLY? You need to wake up here...


----------



## Diana7

The bare minimum needs to be that a)she leaves her job and looks for one where there is NO traveling ever, and b) that his poor wife(if he is married) needs to be told. 
Saying that you are not angry because its been a whole month is bizarre. It takes years for most people to be able to trust again and not feel angry after such an appalling betrayal. 
She has faced no consequences, you have been far far too soft on her, she has no reason not to do it again. At least make it 100% clear that if she EVER cheats again you are out immediately no questions asked.


----------



## kekkek

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, she gave me a hall pass. and I'm not interested.....only brings about other potential issues.
> 
> So yeah, asking about the package makes me a hotwife husband. lol. Okay buddy.
> Considering what is best for my girls is why 80% of the comments on here are disregarded and *come from folks who've obviously been burned*. I'll work this out.


Midlo definitely doesn't get it yet that he is the one who has been burned, by his wife's cheating. Better learn from the older members of the club that he is already in.


----------



## Lostinthought61

here is the thing that bothers me the most about this, she told you it was sexual attraction and lust...okay so what about the next time...do you think this is the only person she has lust for...how can you build trust when she stated that it was out of lust, once you cross that line its very easy to cross it again and again...believe what you want but how can you trust her again.


----------



## becareful2

Do you find it kind of hot that your wife had sex with another man?


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


Cheaters often accuse their spouse of cheating. 

So if she has accused you for the past three years, then she has been cheating on you for the last three years.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> So yes, when she first began travelling, she had been travelling for work for about 6 months, and I come home from work one day and she basically accuses of cheating. After hours of me defending myself, she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again.
> 
> Also, she works from home when she isn't travelling, but she does travel about 50 % of the time.
> 
> I appreciate your input. We have a great relationship, but I do think I'm going to ask her if she has done this before. We just spent a week in Florida for Spring Break and had a great time. She continues to not want to discuss it and basically wants to forget about it.


I can’t figure out if you are just a fool or an idiot. 

You really need to read what you have posted. 

Would you believe any of it?


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> I think with one time it wouldn't have been an issue quite as much. I'm shocked that after the first time, she didn't come to her senses and use reason and stop. She did it 4 times which I'm just lost over. Like I said, in our relationship, it's usually me iinitiating sex, but she doesn't turn it down, but again, it's usually me initiating, and we do it about once every 5-6 days on average and it's great. So going from that to 4 times, is like....what happened? Is she more sex craved than she puts on to me? It's just confusing and she doesn't like to talk about it. I think some folks keep using the term she compartmentalized it, and that's a good word for it.


No, she just enjoys it more on her business trips.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> I'm not following you. Not sure what you mean here.


She told four times and giggled about it to hurt you on purpose. There was no other reason for it.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> by not normal though, what do you mean? She has done this before? I do thinkn she confessed because she felt really awful and couldn't just keep it in anymore, and the fact that she thought she had something.


The only reason she confessed is because she thought she had gotten an STD “this” time. 

What guilt has she shown. None what so ever. Guilty cheaters don’t giggle when they talk about how thick the OM was. 

You really need to wake up out of your freakin delusional state of mind.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Isn't there always a first time though? What makes you think this was not her first time? I'm curious. I am taking your advice though to inquire about the other stuff and her other times....


Don’t inquire about anything with your lying cheat of a wife. 

See a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up. Then hand them to she and say “ I want the complete truth or we are finished “. 

She will then laugh at you say what a chump you have been. Then proceed to thank you for the divorce.


----------



## colingrant

I just finished reading each of your posts and your situation is not a good one. Nearly EVERY possible red flag in the long list of cheater's red flags, were revealed. Textbook. That roller coaster ride I alluded to in a previous post....... you're on board and just getting started whether you want to admit it or not. If you don't want to be a passenger on it, starting today, you will have to............

1) Seek independent counseling (not marriage) to help you deal with a traumatic development in your life.

2) Recognize that nothing you do or say can control her actions. You can control what you do. 

3) Speak with an attorney (independently) of your rights. Just so that you are ahead of the game and not responding

4) Get tested and have her tested

5) Polygraph her to determine the truth. If reconciliation is in your future, you have to know WHO you're reconciling with and the truth of her activities is a start of truth

6) Start the divorce process. It doesn't mean you have to divorce her, but if she's a serial cheater (some spouses start serial cheating later in life) or some form of mid-life crisis, it doesn't mean that you and your kids have to be dragged through it. Start the process and look at it as a probationary period, so if from filing to divorce being granted is 1 year, then see how she works out for you in that period and if she's truly remorseful and you've determined she's worthy of staying married to her, abort the divorce process. Simple as that. If she continues her ways, then you will have a head start on removing you and your children from her unfaithful and selfish life style. 

7) I'm not big on surveillance with using VARS and all of that, but it can serve a very good purpose and provide you with more evidence. My thing is if I caught my wife, I need no more evidence. We're finished. End of Story. Plus, if I have to spend time looking at phones and device activity, ease dropping and GPS monitoring, there's NO WAY IN HELL is she to remain my wife. It's happened twice to me with fiance's. I loved them, but had to leave them. 

8) You have to recognize despite you loving your wife and assuming she loves you, she was and is willing to risk your marriage, physical health (std), your love and the welfare of your children for someone she doesn't care for that much. That should tell you a lot. When she laid down and spread, you, your kids and your marriage were not prioritized. I'm not trying to get you worked up. I'm offering an angle that you may not have thought of yet. 

9) Here's the hardest one. Think courageously what a life can be without her. If you don't then, she will always think you will be there for her. If you can't imagine a life without her, then she'll hold you to jail in an emotional prison where the punishment is her infidelity. For you to not remain behind infidelity bars, you have to free yourself and your children from it through legal separation and divorce. 

10) Just look at it with reality and muster up the courage to do what's best for you and your children, as she has already demonstrated of being incapable of keeping you and your children's hearts in safe keeping. If she can't, you will have to.

Lastly. I was once a promiscuous male seeking female partners 30 years ago. I cringe having to admit it, but it's the truth. One thing that used to surprise me in my pursuits is my success with women I never thought would be as willing as they turned out to be. Straight as an arrow, well raised, well compensated, but willing at the drop of a hat. All I had to do was listen to them and talk with them. I never dealt with married women though. But my point is, anyone is liable to stray. ANYONE. I asked my wife of 25 years if she had strayed. She was insulted and I had no reason to believe she wasn't, but by the same token, anyone and I mean anyone can be taken if the timing, attraction and other circumstances present themselves. It's a very ugly part of society.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


She also thought she had an STD!


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


Your joking right. 

Your a cockold wannabe.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

ABHale said:


> So this is the first time she caught something so she had to confess.







This song sums up your situation


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> I haven't read any forums on here. I joined today because I saw this is as a mechanism that I could be completely honest and get some honest feedback. I haven't told or discussed this with anyone because first, all of our families are very close. All of our friends are very close and this would destroy much of that.
> 
> To the cuckold, don't try to read into something that you would like for it to be. I was hoping this discussion would help me in understanding the why behind this - and yes, I think her doing it 4 times is a big part of it, because that is so out of the norm and it also told me that she never came to her senses or had any guilt until literally all of her sexual emotions had been spent.
> 
> I appreciate all of the input from everyone. It's definitely given me some things to think about.


This is what everyone is trying to get across to you. 

Once every 5 or 6 days is normal with you. She never initiates with YOU. She is never horny with YOU. 

She is completely different on her business trips. It might have been the first time with her boss. The comment to him about it being just sex means this wasn’t her first time. 

Your wife is a serial cheater who has been cheating on you for years.


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## Herschel

I skipped to the end. Yadda yadda yadda.

It’s up to you. Do you want to get divorced now, or do you want to wait a couple of years, tons of agony and anguish and get divorced then? Your call.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess the anger has faded because it's been 4 weeks since she initially confessed to me, so I've been able to manage it.
> 
> Also, yes, she actually is travelling this week. She hasn't traveled in 3 weeks though. I just got off the phone with her and discussed this more and bottom line is that she swears up and down that she has never done this. And I asked and asked and told her it was okay, but I want to know so we can move on. As for why she did it, it was basically lust and sexual attraction that evening that led up to it and he didn't necessarily ask her, it was a mutual thing for him to go to her room in the hotel.
> 
> And, I know you all will bark at me for this, but I do believe her. She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so, the reward isn't worth the risk. I know her well, been together for 16 years, and married for 14. Been through 16 months of deployments as well.
> 
> thank you for your advice thus far.


WTF. 

The reward isn’t worth the risk. 

What the heck does this mean. 

Also you keep saying that it’s alright like you do is going to make her believe you want her to do it again.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, she gave me a hall pass. and I'm not interested.....only brings about other potential issues.
> 
> So yeah, asking about the package makes me a hotwife husband. lol. Okay buddy.
> Considering what is best for my girls is why 80% of the comments on here are disregarded and come from folks who've obviously been burned. I'll work this out.


I haven’t been cheated on. But a BS like you is why most cheaters believe they can get away with it.


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## ABHale

I am done. I will not post on your thread again.


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## skerzoid

Midlo:

Not sure why you are here. You seem to be OK with your wife's betrayal except for the fact that she kept trying to get an orgasm after failing the first two attempts. Then she went for two O's. You are nonplussed.

She confessed out of fear she had contracted an STD. You are OK with this because your love is so strong for her and her's for you. But then... why did she need him four times and you only once or twice? And she gets all schoolgirl giggly over you asking about the size of his penis.Oh well, lets just get on down the road she says. And you trust her with this because she would never do anything to betray your trust. She is a special snowflake....

People spend a lot of time trying to give people advice on here. They are okay with this, they want to help because, usually, the poster is so hurt and broken by this worst thing that can possibly happen that they are sometimes close to suicide. But every once in a while, we get a poster who comes on here and rejects almost all advice, and continues to make excuses for their spouse. Why? Because they are so smart that they are above the rest of us. After all, we are just bitter wretches.

Many times they tire with dealing with our suspicious natures and leave us hanging. And then..... they reappear somewhere down the road, devastated & broken. And the title of their new thread.... "You were all right."

Well, here's hoping we are all wrong and you are right in your trust. I hope we never hear from you again. I hope your wife isn't the serial cheater we all suspect. I hope that you aren't the naive Plan "B" that you appear to be. Why do I hope these things? Because, I have seen too much pain in these pages and for once I would like to be surprised.


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## Jasel

Your wife has obviously been cheating on you, most likely for a few years at least. You seem fine with it for the most part. She seems perfectly fine telling you how you will and won't deal with her cheating and you go along with it. She's most likely still going to be cheating on you which you either aren't too concerned about or just don't realize. 


One month out from D-Day is not enough time to realize how you truly feel. I think, and I hope, that you're still in shock. And eventually you'll realize that your wife has made a complete fool out of you, is continuing to do so, and you'll get angry. But right now you really don't seem to be in the right mindset for doing much of anything. Especially not taking steps to divorce or laying out consequences. You've basically prostrated yourself and let your wife roll all over you.


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## kekkek

ABHale said:


> WTF.
> 
> *The reward isn’t worth the risk.
> 
> What the heck does this mean.*
> 
> Also you keep saying that it’s alright like you do is going to make her believe you want her to do it again.


It is obvious what this means. The OM has an STD. That is why WW was scared. She was relieved to find out that she didn't catch it from him those first four times. Although he was "thick", she is not going to risk catching it again.


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## Beach123

You are being foolish!

She is traveling again? 

Get a backbone dude! Lay out boundaries and consequences for her! Expose her cheating to everyone. 

File for divorce even if you don't plan to. She needs to be scared she's gonna lose you!

And FYI - this never goes away no matter how long you live! You can't just get past it! It's not a spilled glass of water!

She lied to you for a long time. She's not the woman you thought she WAS! She is a common cheater who enjoyed sex with a man who flirted! She will do it again if you don't start taking the drivers seat!

Wake up man - you are being foolish! 

She needs to quit that job now!

And why are you so afraid to face her head on with consequences? She's ruined your whole marriage and you're not doing anything that can show her she's not allowed to do this to you! Start by taking actions that make her scared that you're not staying with a liar and a cheater!

Why would you tell her this is all ok? It's NOT ok!


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## manfromlamancha

Hello Midlo - I had posted my thoughts on this but the post seems to have disappeared! So I'll try again:


I do not think you know your wife as well as you think you do. I would first like to say that this may not be her first rodeo. She has the ability to give in to her lust and cheat - we know that. She has plenty of opportunity and travels a lot. And she seemed to do this effortlessly. Plenty of red flags everywhere including her justification and attitude. So there is a very high chance that she has done this before.


As for why, it is very simple. She enjoys it and generally knows she can get away with it and there wasn't a thing you could do about it since it is very hard to catch her.



Which brings me on to why she told you - as others are saying there could have been many reasons and almost none of them would have to do with guilt. She may have been discovered by others at work and wanted to get in there before you heard it from someone else. She may have thought she contracted a STD (her itching etc) and was afraid that you would find out that way.


As for her bringing up the 4 times in one night. This one is puzzling. She may be rubbing your nose in the fact that you are not good enough for her and even though it was a "big mistake" on her part, she did get something out of it better than you provide. Not many men can go 4 times in one night. Her explanation also reveals something about her - she didnt get to come the first two times and she was intent on coming - after all she was horny and wanted - nay - needed this!


She is not showing any remorse whatsoever - she doesn't want to talk about it, wants you to forget about it and even giggled when discussing the OM's penis size (it all seems like a big joke to her?). She even uses a matter of fact approach to discussing it e.g. "it was mutually agreed that we should go to my room" and "no one was coerced" and of course, the "it was just sex - I was horny" as if you should just accept all of this.


She continues to work at this place and will continue to see him - especially since she has not faced any consequences for her actions (and neither has the POSOM).


She is relying on the fact that you have two little children for you to not break up the marriage over this. And possibly on the fact that she contributes a decent salary.



You need to:

Get her to take a poly with regard to never having done this before and also as to whether you have all the truth.

Consult an attorney, protect your finances and child custody rights and then file for divorce.

Get her to provide you with full transparency to her communications, whereabouts, activities etc.

Get her to write a NC letter to the POSOM with you and then with you make sure that it gets to him.

Get her to quit her job if he still works there.

Expose him at work (he is her boss and should get fired).

Tell family and close friends so that you have extra pairs of eyes on her.

And then decide if you want to reconcile (none of the above guarantees reconciliation). You need to think if you can carry on knowing that she is OK with ****ing other men bareback! I for one could never stay with such a person. And do not stay just for the kids - you will only have a miserable marriage and the kids will pick up on that which could be more damaging to them.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> That's what she tells me. The thing is, she brought this up to me, so I have to believe this happened only this one time. I didn't suspect anything and I even went through her phone and they don't text, email, and I didn't find any other text, emails, facebook messages or anything that would make me suspicious. She really is a good girl.




Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## SentHereForAReason

I tried, skimming through the later messages. Has he posted since he said he would handle it? Damn it's sad to see what is going on here since I have lived this myself, maybe not as blatant but the fact that he is getting reassurance of what he wants to hear from her is not good whatsoever. 

This means he actually trusts what she says and the image of her is what I struggled with for a year. Like I did, he believes his wife made a mistake but that's not her. Through months of counseling and consistent advice her and through all of my self learning, books, etc. I have learned the person that I have been with for 18 years is the person she showed to be during the affair or at the very least, she's sure as Hell that person now and the person I loved and married is looooong gone. Either way, not good!


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## RWB

Post 101... MidLo "out-a-here" for now.

6 months or a year from now... "I'm back, guess what? Wife had been sleeping around on me for years. Imagine that?"


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## Midlo2004

ABHale said:


> This is what everyone is trying to get across to you.
> 
> Once every 5 or 6 days is normal with you. She never initiates with YOU. She is never horny with YOU.
> 
> She is completely different on her business trips. It might have been the first time with her boss. The comment to him about it being just sex means this wasn’t her first time.
> 
> Your wife is a serial cheater who has been cheating on you for years.


Maybe I didn't communicate well on this discussion forum. I didn't provide much context which I have to think is why much of the discussion jumps straight to the worst conclusions.

No, I have never cheated. Yes, she cheated in January. Up until then, I have never had any suspicions. Like I said, we've been married 14 years, she doesn't party, hardly ever drinks except in social settings, has never been tied to her phone, facebook (which I actually had access to for probably 2-3 years), I've checked her text before, nothing suspicious. She works from home and travels about 50% for work. She talks a lot about her co-workers. Like I said, I was TOTALLY shocked, because of all the people we mutually know, I would have picked anyone else to have done this, except her.

There is a first time for everything, AND many folks work through this. Also, the guy isn't her boss. Completely different team.


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## Midlo2004

Also, she didn't exactly giggle. She emphasized that he was "thick". But she was remorseful, we discussed this all afternoon, and there was a lot she couldn't explain in that much detail. I think she was either more intoxicated than she thinks (which is why it's a little fuzzy except for the main details), or she just doesn't want to tell me because she think's it'll just hurt more and why bother. 

Hard to explain on a forum, but we've been discussing and she is open to talk about it, but what she says, is she can't remember EVERY detail.


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## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I didn't communicate well on this discussion forum. I didn't provide much context which I have to think is why much of the discussion jumps straight to the worst conclusions.
> 
> No, I have never cheated. Yes, she cheated in January. Up until then, I have never had any suspicions. Like I said, we've been married 14 years, she doesn't party, hardly ever drinks except in social settings, has never been tied to her phone, facebook (which I actually had access to for probably 2-3 years), I've checked her text before, nothing suspicious. She works from home and travels about 50% for work. She talks a lot about her co-workers. Like I said, I was TOTALLY shocked, because of all the people we mutually know, I would have picked anyone else to have done this, except her.
> 
> There is a first time for everything, AND many folks work through this. Also, the guy isn't her boss. Completely different team.


If you don't listen to anything here and I know what you are feeling, I know how pissed and defensive this can make all of us but please listen to me. It's possible this was a one time thing, it's possible you can work on things but it doesn't look good based upon her body language, her own words and how you are handling it, so please hear me man.

Today, you are ME 8 months ago!

So many things you are saying about your wife are how I would describe my STBXW, how others would. 

- I can't believe she would do this, are you sure? She's the last person I would expect to do this in the world, she's such a good person, a good Catholic!
- I can't believe this could happen to you, you guys were like the happiest family I know
- I still can't believe ____ would do this, that's just no her

I could add many different comments by many different people. The image and the dream that I had built up over 14 years of marriage and 18 years together whether, it was her pretending the whole time or her going off the rails, both have the same result. The marriage and the person that I knew were both dead. I tried for 6-7 months to do what you are doing, I did all of the heavy lifting, etc. And it still didn't work. I think where are stories are different is that my STBXW thinks her AP is her soulmate and best friend. Whereas your wife I think does this to get whatever she is not getting at home. Even though you are more than willing to provide it for her, she still thinks something is missing. That's not your fault, that's a defect in your wife. 

The bottom line is that she is not showing the true signs of remorse and you are at a place where I was for months, just feeding her what I wanted her to tell me and for me to hear so that it would be ok. It was not ok but I lied to myself until it was too late.


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## Tex X

Wow - so many red flags here. Your wife accused you a few times of cheating over the past few years. That's the guilty conscience of a cheater - she's projecting what she has done on to you. She tells you she cheated b/c she thought she may have given you an STD - that is the only reason she told you (and possibly that she was about to be exposed by someone else). Then she laughs about how thick his d**k is, and then basically tells you to drop it and lets move on. She gives you a hall pass to go out and cheat. She shows no remorse for what she has done, and of course she can't remember any of the vivid details of the 4 times she had sex with OM (which is complete bull**** BTW - of course she remembers all the nasty things she did with OM that she would NEVER do with you). You get bread crumbs once a week. You tell her you want more sex and she says "oh gee well I'll try, I'm just not that into sex". Well part of that is true - she is just not that into sex 'with you'. She has been cheating on you for years buddy. First time for everything - yeah right, whatever.

If you don't grow a pair right fu**king now, you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life. Your daughters deserve better than this. They don't deserve to grow up around a miserable father and a mother who has no respect for their dad. You're getting a lot of 2x4's here, but everybody is trying to tell you that you deserve to be happy, and you definitely deserve better than the crap you're being served right now. But nobody can do it for you - that is up to you my friend. You came here looking for help, and everybody is giving you their best advice. Nobody here is being petty - they have seen this play out hundreds of times before you got here, and the script is pretty predictable. Take the blinders off already.


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## Midlo2004

stillfightingforus said:


> If you don't listen to anything here and I know what you are feeling, I know how pissed and defensive this can make all of us but please listen to me. It's possible this was a one time thing, it's possible you can work on things but it doesn't look good based upon her body language, her own words and how you are handling it, so please hear me man.
> 
> Today, you are ME 8 months ago!
> 
> So many things you are saying about your wife are how I would describe my STBXW, how others would.
> 
> - I can't believe she would do this, are you sure? She's the last person I would expect to do this in the world, she's such a good person, a good Catholic!
> - I can't believe this could happen to you, you guys were like the happiest family I know
> - I still can't believe ____ would do this, that's just no her
> 
> I could add many different comments by many different people. The image and the dream that I had built up over 14 years of marriage and 18 years together whether, it was her pretending the whole time or her going off the rails, both have the same result. The marriage and the person that I knew were both dead. I tried for 6-7 months to do what you are doing, I did all of the heavy lifting, etc. And it still didn't work. I think where are stories are different is that my STBXW thinks her AP is her soulmate and best friend. Whereas your wife I think does this to get whatever she is not getting at home. Even though you are more than willing to provide it for her, she still thinks something is missing. That's not your fault, that's a defect in your wife.
> 
> The bottom line is that she is not showing the true signs of remorse and you are at a place where I was for months, just feeding her what I wanted her to tell me and for me to hear so that it would be ok. It was not ok but I lied to myself until it was too late.


I appreciate that and you said exactly how I feel and how it feels right now. Actually, the third day after she had told me, I was pissed, for obvious reasons, and just holding stuff in. Anyway, the third day, that night, she asked me what was wrong, and I told her, what do you think!?!? And I told her I felt like I had been kissing her ass the last few days, trying to make things right and feel okay, meanwhile, I'm NOT THE ONE THAT CHEATED. She said, "I'm really really sorry, but I just don't know what else I can say". And she continued to apologize, but when you said the heavy lifting - that's what made me think of that. It's sometimes feeling like I'm working harder at this than she is to try to work through this. From what she says her way of working through it is just forgetting about it. Not pretending like it didn't happen, but just trying to forget about it. 

Sorry for the rant and I apologize if I come off defensive sometimes. I guess I also feel like, why isn't she totally showering me with love and affection? When I bring that up, she says she will try to be better at that, but I guess time will tell.

Thank you.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> She may have the capability.
> 
> and no, I just care about our relationship and trust that this only happened this one time.


I know exactly what you meant but be convinced that what you know is only just "the tip of the iceberg" my friend. She'll never tell you he whole truth. Women always justify their reasons to do things, good or bad. Learn from those who are/been in the same place as you.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## eric1

Midlo2004 said:


> I appreciate that and you said exactly how I feel and how it feels right now. Actually, the third day after she had told me, I was pissed, for obvious reasons, and just holding stuff in. Anyway, the third day, that night, she asked me what was wrong, and I told her, what do you think!?!? And I told her I felt like I had been kissing her ass the last few days, trying to make things right and feel okay, meanwhile, I'm NOT THE ONE THAT CHEATED. She said, "I'm really really sorry, but I just don't know what else I can say". And she continued to apologize, but when you said the heavy lifting - that's what made me think of that. It's sometimes feeling like I'm working harder at this than she is to try to work through this. From what she says her way of working through it is just forgetting about it. *Not pretending like it didn't happen, but just trying to forget about it. *
> 
> Sorry for the rant and I apologize if I come off defensive sometimes. I guess I also feel like, why isn't she totally showering me with love and affection? When I bring that up, she says she will try to be better at that, but I guess time will tell.
> 
> Thank you.


That is called rug sweeping and is probably more dangerous than her continuing an affair.


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## BigDigg

Midlo2004 said:


> I think she was either more intoxicated than she thinks (which is why it's a little fuzzy except for the main details), or she just doesn't want to tell me because she think's it'll just hurt more and why bother.
> 
> Hard to explain on a forum, but we've been discussing and she is open to talk about it, but what she says, is she can't remember EVERY detail.


Let's put this one aspect to bed - your wife likely wasn't intoxicated. How do I know? She had sex 4 times over a 4hr period and initiated at least twice (the last two times). She also apparently made it to the conference in time the next morning without major hangups.

If you have ever been hammered and stopped drinking at a late hour you'll know that you'll soon likely pass out. Hookup sex is definitely possible but not 4x in 4hrs. This is especially so if you're not usually a big drinker (as you say your wife isn't). She may have been a little tipsy at some point in the night but make no mistake - she knew exactly what she was doing. And unless she's screwing dudes left and right and getting it all confused she likely remembers every single detail. I still remember in detail memorable hookups I had decades ago


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## manfromlamancha

When she said "I don't know what else I can say", you should have said:

"I shouldn't need to prompt you on what to say but here is what you can say and do: you can say that you had very weak boundaries and put your sexual gratification above me, the kids, the family etc. You can say that you are definitely going to quit your job right away. You can say that you have written a NC to the POSOM. You can say that you are going to come clean with HR and maybe get him fired. You can say that you are going to keep trying to prove to me that you are remorseful even after we divorce. Those are just some of the things that you could say!"


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## BigDigg

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess I also feel like, why isn't she totally showering me with love and affection?


Why - because she absolutely doesn't need to. She doesn't respect you at all and knows you are a complete doormat. She said she was sorry! She might think about giving you a bit of hot sex someday! What more could you want?!? Can you just shut up already and agree to move on so she can get back to guilt-free conference screwing?

Listen OP - your basic reaction here is so weak that I almost don't believe you are serious and that this is legit. But if you are serious (benefit of doubt) know that all the advice you are getting from some really great/experienced posters is spot on and you have no idea how bad the state of your marriage is. By screwing around for 45 days asking dumb questions about **** sizes, using this huge gaping wound to your marriage as a opportunity to beg for better sex, etc. you've missed the one window of opportunity to show a spine that your wife needed to see. Ship has probably sailed now. Any semblance of the kind of marriage you thought you had and what you want is effectively dead. All that's left is to bury the corpse.

Sorry to be brutally honest. I'm legitimately sad for you and hoping for the best. Nobody deserves this kind of thing...


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## Midlo2004

Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


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## NobodySpecial

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I didn't communicate well on this discussion forum. I didn't provide much context which I have to think is why much of the discussion jumps straight to the worst conclusions.
> 
> No, I have never cheated. Yes, she cheated in January. Up until then, I have never had any suspicions. Like I said, we've been married 14 years, she doesn't party, hardly ever drinks except in social settings, has never been tied to her phone, facebook (which I actually had access to for probably 2-3 years), I've checked her text before, nothing suspicious. She works from home and travels about 50% for work. She talks a lot about her co-workers. Like I said, I was TOTALLY shocked, because of all the people we mutually know, I would have picked anyone else to have done this, except her.
> 
> There is a first time for everything, AND many folks work through this. Also, the guy isn't her boss. Completely different team.


If she travels, there would be no need whatsoever for the standard digital evidence. Talk and screw in person only.


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> It's weird though that she can't seem to remember or want to discuss it much with me. She says she just has blocked it out of her mind and is trying to move on and forget about it.


It is called carpet sweeping.


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## Taxman

Sir, she has had no consequences to her actions. She will, therefore, cheat again, as it was easy and you forgave almost immediately. I am in the divorce industry, and consequences work. Now, what I am about to say makes me a total bastard, then so be it. She goes home to mother. Kick her out. When her parents ask why, tell them that she had sex with someone other than you, and divorce is on your radar. Yes, DIVORCE. That brings them down to earth PDQ. Next: either she quits the job, or you go to HR, and tell them that she had sex with a coworker, and everyone at the job will know. That is humiliation and embarrassment. 

Next, the other guy, if he is married, his wife knows immediately. That and he loses his job. No exceptions.

When she has had her life changed by her actions, you can assess whether or not YOU want this marriage. Remember, she is now completely untrustworthy, and because she reserved telling you until she suspected an STD, she deserves a ton of consequence. Kick her out today.


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## Nucking Futs

Midlo2004 said:


> I appreciate that and you said exactly how I feel and how it feels right now. Actually, the third day after she had told me, I was pissed, for obvious reasons, and just holding stuff in. Anyway, the third day, that night, she asked me what was wrong, and I told her, what do you think!?!? And I told her I felt like I had been kissing her ass the last few days, trying to make things right and feel okay, meanwhile, I'm NOT THE ONE THAT CHEATED. She said, *"I'm really really sorry, but I just don't know what else I can say".* And she continued to apologize, but when you said the heavy lifting - that's what made me think of that. It's sometimes feeling like I'm working harder at this than she is to try to work through this. From what she says her way of working through it is just forgetting about it. Not pretending like it didn't happen, but just trying to forget about it.
> 
> Sorry for the rant and I apologize if I come off defensive sometimes. I guess I also feel like, why isn't she totally showering me with love and affection? When I bring that up, she says she will try to be better at that, but I guess time will tell.
> 
> Thank you.


So she doesn't know what else to say. Or do, apparently. And she's so concerned about it that she's not even bothering to google it. 

People keep telling you to file for divorce. You're clearly not interested in risking your marriage so you're blowing that off as just a bunch of bitter people that want to drag you down. That's not the case.

There's a power imbalance in your relationship. The person who values it less is in control. In this case, she may put some value on your relationship but she knows you value it and her far more than she values it and you. She knows she can tell you she cheated on you and do nothing to repair the relationship and you'll just take it because you value her and the relationship so much. What the people telling you to file for divorce want you to do is suddenly upend her understanding of the power balance in your relationship. 

Divorce is a process, not an event, so depending on your state you will usually have anywhere from three months to a year before it's finalized, and you can stop it at any time up until the judge signs the final decree.

So here's my recommendation. Start interviewing lawyers, make sure you see the three biggest sharks in your waters, and retain the one you're most comfortable with. Have him file and serve her without warning. On the day she's served, contact her parents and tell them you're divorcing her for infidelity and ask them to support her in her difficult time. If she has any close friends, do the same with them. If you still want to reconcile with her do not tell your family or your friends at this time. Do not warn her it's coming, surprise is a major tool in shocking her out of her complacency.

If you find her on the floor at your feet blubbering and blowing snot bubbles from her nose you have a chance. If she reacts with cold anger, go ahead and tell your family and friends and push the divorce on through. Be prepared for her to turn vicious and try to take everything from you. Make sure to have a voice activated recorder on you when she gets served and any time you're in proximity to her until the divorce goes through.

I think we're all wasting our time here. :banghead:


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## 269370

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe. She tells me she still is no different. I asked her to be more sexually open with me because of this, and she says that she'll try, but she still is who she is and she wasn't any different with this guy.....I agree, it doesn't all add up. The 4 times part doesn't add up for me.




What doesn’t add up is that you are so focused on how many times she had sex with the guy. One time should be enough to pack your bags and leave.


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## NobodySpecial

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


She may have. She may not have. In some ways, it is irrelevant. Here is what we know. She did not tell you until the fear of STDs arose. This indicates that she otherwise would not have told you. This was not motivated by remorse but fear. She has had and continues to have ample opportunity with no risk of being caught.


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, she gave me a hall pass. and I'm not interested.....only brings about other potential issues.
> 
> So yeah, asking about the package makes me a hotwife husband. lol. Okay buddy.
> Considering what is best for my girls is why 80% of the comments on here are disregarded and come from folks who've obviously been burned. I'll work this out.


You have not realized you been burned as well.


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## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


THIS QUESTION RIGHT HERE! I think this is where you can find middle ground with what you are feeling and what the Vets are telling you. Vets, please relay to him the answer to this question in the best way possible, I think this is where he will gain the most insight.


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## personofinterest

A woman in a good marriage of 14 years who is devoted to her husband can certainly cheat. But it will likely be something borne out of a friendship that she never thought would be a problem, or a night out with the girls drinking too much after a bad fight....something that is either gradual and difficult or something unanticipated. And in the case of the latter, a woman who is truly horrified by her actions would likely come clean quickly.

This was way too easy for your wife. She's on a trip, getting hit on turned her on, so let's have sex 4 times. That is not a devoted wife who has never even considered cheating before. That is a detached wife who has probably done this before.

It's like a serial criminal. The first time or two they are hesitant and sloppy. Then it gets easy. This was too "easy" for her to be her first time, IMO, unless she has sociopathic tendencies or something, which you haven't indicated.

I am not trying to pile on. But I am a WOMAN, and I do not see this being A) Something she has never done or B) something she really feels all that much remorse about.

At the very minimum she needs to:
Find a job without traveling, or with little enough traveling that you can go with her
Cut all contact
The OM's spouse needs to know


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> Also, she didn't exactly giggle. She emphasized that he was "thick". But she was remorseful, we discussed this all afternoon, and there was a lot she couldn't explain in that much detail. I think she was either more intoxicated than she thinks (which is why it's a little fuzzy except for the main details), or she just doesn't want to tell me because she think's it'll just hurt more and why bother.
> 
> Hard to explain on a forum, but we've been discussing and she is open to talk about it, but what she says, is she can't remember EVERY detail.


Have D papers drawn up. Emphasize it this is only a "one off" and you do not really want to talk about it. You do not recall much of the conversation with the lawyer but emphasized the paperwork is thick and your W should read it all. It was nothing more than just business with the lawyer but it felt good cutting the check. Remind your W you do not want to talk about it. All of the process was "fuzzy". Can't remember all the details. 

Midlo2004, your W needs a wake up call to what she has done. Your W only confessed because she got itchy and thought she picked up an STD. Understand your W was fully prepared to keep this from you!! But, itchy in the groin made your W spill the beans. Does this revelation mean anything?


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


Your W accused you of cheating 3 times. Projection of what has possibly already happened with your W at previous conferences, etc.


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## TAMAT

Midlow,

I suspect the OMs divorce could be because of your WW, you need to speak with the OM exW, she may have details your WW is omitting. 

Perhaps the OM patronizes prostitutes too, or has another OW besides your WW, so he is in a high risk sub-population.

Have you confronted the OM and demanded that he quit? 

You need to take your WW to a polygraph, and on your terms.

Did your speak with your WWs grand parents, parents and siblings about this.

Tamat


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## badmemory

Midlo,

Maybe she has cheated before and maybe she hasn't. You can't prove it, so you need to focus on the present. She admitted to you she had sex with him 4 times in one night. Okay, stop obsessing about that. If I had one concern, it would be *why would she tell* you that even if it was true. 

You seem to be treating her A like she wrecked the family car; instead of the reality of what it is - a divorce invoking, marriage destroying, betrayal. One that can possibly be overcome; but only if she tells you all the details you want, is willing to accept consequences, demonstrates remorse, and is desperate to save her marriage. That doesn't include her wanting to forget about what happened. It can't be forgotten; and you need to make her understand that. She doesn't have that luxury as a WW.

That means you have to be willing to give her the consequences that posters have been laying out for 10 pages. And her not accepting them should be unacceptable to you. 

One more thing. You mentioned that this forum is full of posters that have been burnt by cheating. What did you expect? Would you rather get advice from posters who've never experienced what you're going through? Some of us divorced, some reconciled. I'm in the later category. The most important thing for you is to get to the best outcome, whether it be R or D. If you take D off the table, you reduce your chances of a successful outcome by one half.


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## Pepe1970

Emerging Buddhist said:


> She did it because she chose to do it, 4 times or 40 matters not.
> 
> Your choices will determine how much suffering you choose as well...
> 
> Choose wisely.


I have to say, that was some "one night 4 stands"

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## Lostinthought61

Midlo..

what i don't get is that she wants you to rug sweep this, she wants to forget it and throws you a bone for a hall pass...what i do not hear is how is she going to earn back your trust, what steps is she doing to present this from happening again..honestly you are so being used. But its your life and your marriage..good luck. Did you even tell her that if she did it again it was instant divorce? the only person paying the price for her fun is you and frankly your willing to take it.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> Isn't there always a first time though? What makes you think this was not her first time? I'm curious. I am taking your advice though to inquire about the other stuff and her other times....


Midlo my man . . . . . . 
Listen to people here, we're sharing not just opinions.
We're sharing facts from our own life and paiful experiences.
Again all our know so far it's just the tip of the iceberg.
Nobody knows anybody here and yet we had/have the same experiences and it's always the same song, maybe with different tunes but the same message from cheaters.
This is a site from people all around the world and here we are sharing our pain and trying to prevent you to go through the same.

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## Steelman

Midlo2004 said:


> And I think that is my main issue with this. Because of course one of our first discussions was me asking "so what was his package like...", and she of course basically giggle, and said he was "thick!", but then quickly changed the subject. But main issue is, she has NEVER done that with me! Even when we first got married (granted we were young, 22), but she has typically been shy/conservative about sex. and then BAM, she has sex 4 times with this dude, in a 4 hour period. I've asked her so many times about that specific part, and she just says, that they were both still horny. I'm guessing he dug her as much as she dug him.


Man- I haven't read the rest of this yet, but you are taking this WAY better than I would.

She'd be quitting her job for starters if it were up to me. No more travel with this dude. I doubt this was the first time. Its not like she felt any remorse and came to her senses after time 1......... or 2 or 3 for that matter.


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## drifting on

Midlo 

The beginning stage of infidelity is one where the betrayed spouse is at a high risk. By that I mean you are in shock, disbelief, and your own brain is trying to soften the blow so to speak. Emotionally you are destroyed, have so many questions, with the biggest being why. I hope you understand that any answer she gives will not be enough, you will still question why. For now you have targeted the how many times in such a short amount of time. This is what you say has you disturbed the most, but down the road it will change, and that is what I fear for you. 

Everything you are being told now is coming up in your future. You aren’t going to believe it was just this once. Her projecting cheating onto you is huge, but it’s something you can’t see yet. The fact she is willing and determined to rug sweep this is even more telling. Getting angry, defensive, annoyed, or stating she answered that when you talk is also huge. I don’t believe for one second she confessed out of guilt, she compartmentalized this, remember? If she did compartmentalize this her guilt would not be a factor, but in the beginning her guilt did get to her in that she projected on to you for cheating. This is why so many have said that this isn’t her first time, sadly I believe she has also cheated before this confession of crushing guilt. Guilt had nothing to do with the confession, the STD had s big part though. Something you should ask is this, if you hadn’t had a reaction would you have told me? Of course she will say yes but you will know she is lying. 

Posters here are helping you to remove the shock, some try nicely, and some use the two by four. Understand that most everyone is trying to get you to see what is really in front of you. The first thing is that you trust but verify, what your wife says are words, nothing more. What you need to watch are actions, and the actions of your wife are none at best. She has had an affair then you have had to tell her she is not showering you with love. It’s great that she has said she will work on it, but she should have been doing this a long time ago. This why posters are telling you to give consequences and get mad. I suggest you move her into a spare bedroom or her office until she commits to the marriage. And even then it would take a minimum of six months of actions before she comes back to the marital bed. 

Consequences should be the filing of divorce, you can always stop it, but list adultery and OM as the reason. Move her out of the bedroom, tell her the marital bed is for those who don’t screw others only. She will get mad, but tell her to compartmentalize it and she will then be fine. Also, tell her she will not be in the same town as OM or divorce is instant. Meeting once a year led to her having sex, so that once is far too many meetings. Tell her that her work life could also suffer, that OM is not to be contacted at all. If she says she has to, then tell her OM is more important then her marriage. Tell her to go find somebody else who will take that low level of commitment. Get mad and firm, not cruel and abusive, but let her know just how much she has to lose. 

If you need more to know then post, if you think you have this animal beaten then think again. I would also have her take a polygraph, you can search the internet for one around you. Do not tell her until the day of, my bet is you get a parking lot confession or a resound no to taking it. She will most likely tell you that you should trust her, don’t. Good luck, you are going to need it.


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## Malaise

OP

You're confused and shocked but until you get to righteous indignation you'll never move on and she'll continue to control all parts of this.

She has had no consequences, correct?

Then, why should she change?


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## ButtPunch

She needs to quit her job at a bare minimum.

This is 100% not up for debate.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


It said I wouldn’t post again but I can’t pass this up. 

Your wife has told you so. This is where. 

When her boss asked about her being married and her response to him “it’s just sex”. This is not something a first time cheater would say. 

Last night when she said “the reward isn’t worth it”. This is not what a remorseful cheater would say. 

She didn’t come clean until she had to because of the STD scare. 

Did you have any suspicions of you wife cheating until she told you?

If no, then you have no idea what she has been up to.


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## GusPolinski

ButtPunch said:


> She needs to quit her job at a bare minimum.
> 
> This is 100% not up for debate.


It would appear that common sense is not a common virtue.


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## SentHereForAReason

ABHale said:


> It said I wouldn’t post again but I can’t pass this up.
> 
> Your wife has told you so. This is where.
> 
> When her boss asked about her being married and her response to him “it’s just sex”. This is not something a first time cheater would say.
> 
> Last night when she said “the reward isn’t worth it”. This is not what a remorseful cheater would say.
> 
> She didn’t come clean until she had to because of the STD scare.
> 
> Did you have any suspicions of you wife cheating until she told you?
> 
> If no, then you have no idea what she has been up to.


Unless i am thinking of another post, I think he said he had checked her phone at times before this? That would seem to indicate some suspicion.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


What's new with that???
They all do feel guilty since they Know they're doing wrong.
But that doesn't fix it. 

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## Tex X

stillfightingforus said:


> Unless i am thinking of another post, I think he said he had checked her phone at times before this? That would seem to indicate some suspicion.


Too bad he didn't check her burner phone or her hidden laptop.


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## Steelman

Midlo2004 said:


> So yes, when she first began travelling, she had been travelling for work for about 6 months, and I come home from work one day and she basically accuses of cheating. After hours of me defending myself, she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again.
> 
> Also, she works from home when she isn't travelling, but she does travel about 50 % of the time.
> 
> I appreciate your input. *We have a great relationship*, but I do think I'm going to ask her if she has done this before. We just spent a week in Florida for Spring Break and had a great time. She continues to not want to discuss it and basically wants to forget about it.


Dude- you are in denial. People with great relationships don't have one partner banging away on business trips. That is in no way a "good girl" either. 

Come on man, toughen up.


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## Midlo2004

Maybe I am just out of touch. She is the first person, and only person, I've ever slept with, so maybe I just don't know how bad a girl can really be, besides putting on the façade of excellent integrity, trustworthiness and devotion.


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## Beach123

You don't have a good marriage and she isn't a good girl!

Look at what she's done!

Get reality going man! 

Living with your old delusions is what got you here.

Stop treating her like it was an accident. She did this to you by making conscious decisions to betray you. That is on purpose.

Her giving you a hall pass is to relieve HER guilt and so she can also blame you.

You're too easy to manipulate - she will cheat again if YOU don't find your balls.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> Thank you. Should I keep asking her to discuss it with me? Because she will listen to me, but she really doesn't like to discuss it. I'm not sure how to keep trying to get information out of her.


Don't do it too often, learn to control yourself.
Let her know you want to know more about it but don't choke her with questions. That will irritate her and get her mad.
Ask her random question once in a while and be patient to gather info you want.

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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> Also, she said they didn't use protection. She has had her period since then - twice.


Oh brother! That really tops it.

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## drifting on

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I am just out of touch. She is the first person, and only person, I've ever slept with, so maybe I just don't know how bad a girl can really be, besides putting on the façade of excellent integrity, trustworthiness and devotion.





My wife was also the first person I was intimate with. That means something to you, not her.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


Midlo, all the following things tell us that *she has the selfish mindset of repeat cheater.*

She minimized it "it was just sex". This means it was not a big deal in her mind.
She offered a hall pass. She doesn't care if you have sex with another woman.
She acknowledged other guys hitting on her while travelling and "how dirty men are". What kind of situations was she in to learn this?
She accused you of cheating multiple times. All cheaters do this. Cheating is on their minds so they project it to spouses.
She thinks you should get over it / stop asking about it. This shows deep down she doesn't really care or understand how this has affected you or relationship, its all about her.
She thinks its ok to keep travelling.
She thinks its ok to see this man again as she acknowledges she will see him at a conference next year.
She brought him to her hotel room. She knew what she was doing inviting a man up to her room.
He asked her why she would do this as she is married. She knew what she was doing.
She says he didn't initiate, it was mutual. She was the one making it happen.
No protection. 4x. She was in it for the thrill / excitement.
Possible STD. Waited 45 days to say something. She was ok putting you at risk.

*You need to take action.*

Kick her out of the bedroom.
Arrange for counseling.
Inform HR of what he did. (He may be doing this to other vulnerable traveling wives in the company.)
Tell her to quit job and not travel anymore.
Talk to a lawyer.
DNA the kids.
Surprise polygraph.
Install VARs.
Search hard for more evidence, it likely exists.

If you do those things, you'll get a clearer picture of whats actually happening with her responses.

I would be 100% shocked if there is not significantly more to this story.

Even in the .00001% chance that the full truth has been told, the way you have handled it so far will make her lose respect for you as she had her cervix basted with this guys baby batter and there haven't been any actual consequences.

You said no protection but she had her period twice, does this mean there was a chance she could have gotten pregnant?
How old are your kids?
Do you live a "no fault" divorce state?


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## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I am just out of touch. She is the first person, and only person, I've ever slept with, so maybe *I just don't know how bad a girl can really be, besides putting on the façade of excellent integrity, trustworthiness and devotion.*


Just about every man whose W has cheated wonders the same.


ETA

It works both ways as well


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## Tex X

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I am just out of touch. She is the first person, and only person, I've ever slept with, so maybe I just don't know how bad a girl can really be, besides putting on the façade of excellent integrity, trustworthiness and devotion.


Since when is infidelity just a girl behaving badly? That's rotten to the core, and that is completely on her. Nobody forced her to have an affair - she willingly did it. Now maybe you're starting to see through the facade?


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## Taxman

Midlo2004 said:


> Maybe I am just out of touch. She is the first person, and only person, I've ever slept with, so maybe I just don't know how bad a girl can really be, besides putting on the façade of excellent integrity, trustworthiness and devotion.


Sir, all due respect, you have been betrayed and you are treating this as if you have to apologize to her. NOPE. Kick her the fu*k out. Give her consequences. She will NEVER understand what she did to you unless her world blows up. This ain't revenge. This is justice. She committed a crime in your marriage, and needs consequences in order to answer for this crime. You forgiving her consigns your marriage to eventual hell. No joke, she knows she can fu ck anyone and you will take her back and buy her all sorts of presents to woo her. Me, I would escort her to the front door, walk her through and then shut it. If she has to couch surf for a month, so be it.


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## j187santiago

It's all bad!!!!!
You will mentally srcrew your self up 
Focus on your kids and job and move on
As much as you love her . She did not love you
Nor your family. Love and respect yourself 
And move on with your kids. It will be tough 
What doesn't kill you will make you stronger
Good luck 

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## BluesPower

*That is just enough of this crap...*



Midlo2004 said:


> I appreciate that and you said exactly how I feel and how it feels right now. Actually, the third day after she had told me, I was pissed, for obvious reasons, and just holding stuff in. Anyway, the third day, that night, she asked me what was wrong, and I told her, what do you think!?!? And I told her I felt like I had been kissing her ass the last few days, trying to make things right and feel okay, meanwhile, I'm NOT THE ONE THAT CHEATED. She said, "I'm really really sorry, but I just don't know what else I can say". And she continued to apologize, but when you said the heavy lifting - that's what made me think of that. It's sometimes feeling like I'm working harder at this than she is to try to work through this. From what she says her way of working through it is just forgetting about it. Not pretending like it didn't happen, but just trying to forget about it.
> 
> Sorry for the rant and I apologize if I come off defensive sometimes. I guess I also feel like, why isn't she totally showering me with love and affection? When I bring that up, she says she will try to be better at that, but I guess time will tell.
> 
> Thank you.


That is just enough of this crap...

And guys I just want to say that, I waited 12 pages before I had to bring the "sledgehammer of tough love" out. And mods, please don't ban me, it is for his own good.
@Midlo2004, My young brother, what I am going to say is gong to piss you off. I am sorry for that but it is for your own good. 

You sir are being a complete and total fool about this entire thing. Evidently you are also a weak, beta boy, nice guy. You know the kind of man that usually gets cheated on by their wives. You know why, because they get bored with you and men like you. 

So I don't even know where to start, so I am going to deviate from my standard practice and go for the throat. 

1) Why did she do it 4 times in a night? Because she wanted hot sex with a hot guy. She wanted someone that knew what they were doing in the sack with bigger equipment that would F*** her brains out like you don't do. 

She wanted the hot ALPHA Male the most women frankly want and don't get. Why did she do it 4 times, well let me see, because she liked it and wanted more. It was new, he was hot, bigger, and better in bed. And, she did it 4 times, because he could get it up 4 times, and how do you think she helped him get up 4 times? Have you thought about that? She did it because she wanted to, Get IT?????

2) Why did she tell me this time??? Because she thought she was caught, she thought she had caught an STD that she cold not explain so she confessed. The other possibility is that she might have been seen by someone that would rat her out. 

If she did not think she had caught something, she would have never ever told you. It was not out of love for you, far from it. It was not because she felt guilty, because she does not feel guilty at all. For one thing, she knew that her beta husband would lay down and take it when he found out. Just like you are doing.

But frankly she was not that concerned about you, because a) she had UNPROTECTD SEX WITH THIS GUY, b) she waited 45 days to tell you, but she had sex with you, so it did not bother her until she thought she had symptoms, then she was afraid she was busted. Then she got concerned about it. 

And notice that he also came in her 4 times, have you even thought about that?????

3) Why is everyone saying that this is not the first time she has done this??? Well for one thing, we are not stupid like some people that are dealing with infidelity for the first time. We say that because we have seen this 1000 times. You have no idea what you are dealing with. 

I am saying it because in my bad old days, I used to bang women like your wife on business trips. Hell, I would take them to "lunch" and bang them in the closest hotel for an hour. 

4) Why has she not done it 4 times with me in one night. Because you are not man enough to go 4 times in one night. And little poke once a week I all she need to do to keep you happy. She has her real sex when she is traveling. 

So @Midlo2004 are you pissed off yet, because you should be. 

So let me also say that you have made ever wrong move that a weak man makes when confronted with a cheating wife. You are scared to lose your marriage, you are scared to lose your wife, you are scared to split time with your kids. You are too scared to recognize your worth as a man. Basically you are just scared, and that has led you to make every mistake in the book. 

Now, what should you have done....

So when she told you, you should have:

1) You should have kicked her out of your bed to the guest room, that very night. Instead you let her give you a little pity sex so you would "know" that she loved you... Weak man, really weak...

2) You should have filed for divorce and had her served ASAP. Now if things go well, you can stop it at any time, but this is what you should have done. 

3) You should have made her quit her job the day that you found out, but instead you are letting her keep that job and continue to travel. LMAO...

4) You should schedule a surprise Polygraph test, where you work up the questions with the tester ahead of time... Can you guess yet what those question should be????

5) You should not make life easy for her in any way. You should go out and get laid if you still remember how and you should have taken videos of it and showed them to her. 

6) You should not even be talking to her, unless it is about kids or the house or groceries, that is it. 

7) You should have found out where she PUT YOUR BALLS and strapped them back on, and rain down hell on her where she thinks she is going to lose everything, even her nice beta husband who is not a beta anymore. 

If you want to save your marriage, this is what you should have done, when you find out that this is not the only time the she has cheated, you may not be able to get over this. But unless you want to be her nice little beta husband in a **** cage the rest of your life, YOU BETTER WAKE THE F*** UP ALREADY AND LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE TELLING YOU. 

You are asking all of the wrong questions. None of that matters. 

The first and only question you should be asking is, "Do I want to be married to a woman like this?" 

What do you think guys... to harsh or just about right????


----------



## re16

You also need to start exposure and ask your friends about her.

Posters often find that the wayward was so blatant that lots of people knew about it and that they just assumed you did too.

Who has she told?

BTW: the hall pass is a trap. She can then legitimately spin the story that you cheated. Typical tactic. Do not do it.


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## Midlo2004

Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.

She told me that there was one other time with him.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


She is still lying to you.


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## BluesPower

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


Make sure that you read my post, and don't do this right now. Plus you warned her so she prepped him. 

Are you going it wake up or are we wasting our time with you. 

You are still making stupid mistakes. 

See she has been lying and you just thought she was so trustworthy....


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## Steelman

Midlo2004 said:


> So yes, when she first began travelling, she had been travelling for work for about 6 months, and I come home from work one day and she basically accuses of cheating. After hours of me defending myself, she finally basically said that many men have flirted with her and she has realized how dirty men are.....fast forward a year later after a move to another state for us, and she accuses me again.
> 
> Also, she works from home when she isn't travelling, but she does travel about 50 % of the time.
> 
> I appreciate your input. We have a great relationship, but I do think I'm going to ask her if she has done this before. We just spent a week in Florida for Spring Break and had a great time. She continues to not want to discuss it and basically wants to forget about it.





Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


I'd say its because it almost seems funny to her and she just wants to sweep it under the rug. What she did doesn't seem like a first timer.


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## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> *Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? *Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


Because we've seen it before. Lots of times.


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## Lostinthought61

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


the trickle of truth...this was more then a one time thing so this was an affair. how can you believe anything she now says


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


You have only heard the tip of the iceberg. The times your W was accusatory of you and cheating, your W was up to something. 

Trickle truth. Your W is feeding you tidbits of information.


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## 269370

If he doesn’t feel anything much with regards to his wife cheating, why does he need to do anything about it?
I thought all these steps are designed for husbands who want to stop their wives from cheating, but he clearly does not mind all that much.
It seems all that matters is how many times she did it.
I don’t detect any emotion in the post apart from curiosity so why should he do anything about her cheating?


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## Midlo2004

inmyprime said:


> If he doesn’t feel anything much with regards to his wife cheating, why does he need to do anything about it?
> I thought all these steps are designed for husbands who want to stop their wives from cheating, but he clearly does not mind all that much.
> It seems all that matters is how many times she did it.
> I don’t detect any emotion in the post apart from curiosity so why should he do anything about her cheating?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


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## stro

Working through it is perfectly fine. You will find support for that here. But listen to the advice about getting to the truth. Read through the other threads on what remorse looks like. Your wife is currently trickle truthing you. She is only telling you what you things where pressure is being applied. STD=has to tell you. Contacting OM=She has to come clean. Keep digging.


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## Tatsuhiko

Midlo2004 said:


> I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


And that's part of the problem. If you really want to work through this, there have to be consequences. It has to come to a point where she's begging, not giggling. She has to be afraid of losing you. She has to face that reality.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


What you have is a illusion of a life. 

Your kids, family and friends are the only truth in your life. You so called wife is a lie, she is not who you think she is.


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## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


As your W trickle truths more you will probably re-evaluate that. You may begin the divorce proceedings and stop it at any time. Sometimes you need to be willing to lose it to save it.


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## TDSC60

You cannot work through this if you do not have the truth about what has happened - and you are being trickle truthed - a little here, a little more there. It already went from a ONS to at least 2 times. Next it will be they MAY have met up more than twice.

Rug sweep at your own peril.


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## farsidejunky

So now you gave her the opportunity to warn OM.

You are so desperate to save your marriage that you are bluffing and taking actions at the expense of your own self respect.

Keep in mind it is nearly impossible for a wife to respect a husband who does not respect himself.

This is why you are being urged to follow action which does not make sense. You are simply still willing to save the marriage at the expense of your own self respect.


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## 269370

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.




Have you discussed an open marriage before? Maybe that’s what she needs. Would you be happy with that?
If you haven’t discussed it then what happened was a serious violation of trust and you sound way too calm about it.
Are you the same with her? 

There’s a reason why every reply says pretty much the same thing. She will be doing it again; she may or may not choose to tell you. It won’t matter what kind of life you have built up: she has already ruined that house of cards. And eventually she will leave you. You might be able to reduce that chance if you start acting like a man. But I’m not sure I would bother and just leave.


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## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


Like I said you being me last year. This is seriously sounding even more and more like me.

Last October was our 14th Anniversary, today marks the 18th Anniversary when we started dating. 2 wonderful kids. Built our dream home just 4 years ago. Kids in Catholic School, both involved in the church, great and supportive families on both sides. Yet none of that seems to matter to the person that's engulfed in the affair or has the mindset to carry them out. NONE of that matters. Emotion trumps all logic and rational. You are still early in the process, so you are still going to be going through what it takes to get what you had back but that is gone forever. 

The only marriage (with your wife) is one that is born from this, if all necessary steps were taken. The things you don't feel are right and afraid to do are the things that will be necessary to make a new relationship with your wife that gets past this. She is not doing her part and you are starting to see the ****** in the armor as more and more truth comes out as she sees fit to trickle it out.

DO NOT HIDE the affair. I doubt there is much that I could of done to save it but if there was a chance, it was when it was early and I could of taken action. Hiding the affair in the dark keeps it alive and protected. Shining a light on it is what brings it out into the open and crushes it, unless the two people actually want to run away together. Do not feel ashamed. Get family members from both sides that you can trust and tell them. 

You don't have to go for the 'jugular' just yet but you need to take decisive action. You need to be what your kids need in someone that protects the family. You may think you are protecting your wife by the steps you are taking but it's actually covering it up. I know this all sucks, it seems surreal, it's a shock. I still get people to this day, 6-7 months after they found out that they cannot believe my STBXW would do anything like this, that she would be the last person they would think of doing this. But all the warning signs have been there. 

At a bare minimum, she seriously cannot continue in a job that facilitates this, I'm being dead serious. My STBXW is in outside sales and I rugswept and allowed this thing to continue for so long out of fear. She has to get a new job, it doesn't matter what it does financially. If she cares about her family, about her kids and about you, she will do what is necessary. 

- Quitting this job
- becoming totally transparent with all information and all devices. All pin codes and passwords must be shared, this sounds controlling but trust me, it's not!

If she cannot abide by those two items then you have your answer on how vested she is in the relationship.


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## 269370

Ps the ‘jugular’ option is if you want to have a go at trying to keep her 


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## drifting on

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends, I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.




To keep the marriage you must be prepared to lose the marriage.


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## ABHale

I say you believed your wife could never lie to you so boldly face-to-face


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## drifting on

Midlo 

Print divorce papers off your counties website, go home and start to fill them out. When she asks what you are doing, just tell her that with what she has shown you this marriage is over. Then don’t say a word, everything she says is replied with this, lies, nothing but lies. Then once you have filled out a page take a break and call her parents. Tell them what she is doing, when she gets angry, tell her it’s going to get much uglier then she ever imagined.


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## SentHereForAReason

drifting on said:


> To keep the marriage you must be prepared to lose the marriage.


This sounds like it's a gimmick but it's not and even something my marriage counselor told me, by myself, since STBXW only went 3 times and then checked out.


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## Tex X

Midlo2004 said:


> It hurts, is frustrating, confusing - trust me, I feel a lot. I may just not express it much on this forum, because to me, that is the obvious emotions. Since this is the first time I've ever experienced this, and we have a life built up over 14 years, 16 total, with a nice home, great kids, and families and friends


Is she not worried about your 16 years together, your nice home, great kids and families and friends? You're more worried about this than she is and you're not the one that slipped and landed on another man's d**k. What does that tell you? She doesn't really give a **** about you or your family or your friends. Think about that. You're being played here big time.



Midlo2004 said:


> I want to work through this, so No, I'm not going straight for the jugular and divorce.


Well if that is true then you have relinquished all of your power in this relationship, and your wife will continue to do whatever and whoever the hell she pleases. That is a losing hand for sure.


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## hinterdir

Midlo2004 said:


> Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her. We discussed it all afternoon and have since talked about it many times since. I was completely shocked because she is the last person I would have ever thought to actually do that. She never has before and is actually very conservative in that department anyway. I mean we have sex about every 5 days but we do experiment with positions and what not but she isn't like a total freak or anything. We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off and she doesn't even know why she did it. She explained that there isn't a relationship there, and she even was at a conference the next week and the guy happened to be there too, but she said it was done. What has blown me away and left me confused though is that she told me she and the other man had sex 4 times in about 4 hours during this night. Why I was confused by that is because the most she has ever done with me was twice in one day. Now I will say she travels a lot for work and this happened at a conference in Miami, where she says she felt flattered by him (she's known him about a year), and she thinks he was pursuing her. But she did say that it was mutually agreed and it took "two to tango". I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times. She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times. I'm the only guy she has ever been with until this happened.


I'm sorry but when one spouse has had actual sexual intercourse with another divorcing that spouse is the only wise action. Who cares why she did it, how drunk she was, how long you've been together. This is betrayal on a titanic level and I can not see how anyone would dare try and stay with a spouse who has broken the covenant of the marriage. How can you even want her anymore? Some other man had his **** inside of her a month ago, he probably went down on her, she went down on him, she had orgasms with this guy. How can you even want to be in the same room as her? Once a spouse cheats divorce them, leave them or kick them out if nothing else. There's no reason on Earth to ever stay with an unfaithful person. Do you love yourself or want good things? Then find you a good faithful spouse you'd never hurt you like this selfish person. 

DIVORCE HER!


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## ButtPunch

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


We call this trickle truth.


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## NobodySpecial

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


Here comes the trickle truth. You can't reach out to anyone else because you don't know about them, do you?


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## naiveonedave

OP - you have to be willing to lose your M here. If this is going to work out long term, she is going to have to go through a lot. Right now, she should be lying at your feet, crying so hard she is losing control, begging for you not to toss her out. Instead of that, she is being cruel, giggling at how much fun it was.

If you rugsweep, all bets are off.


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## Evinrude58

Classic cheater and betrayed spouse syndrome:

She is trickle truthing, blaming her spouse for not enough attention, says she's going to be on the straight and narrow, there's never been anyone else. Nonsense. IF this story is true, she has almost positively cheated with other guys. She'd break the needle on the deception indicator if a polygraph was placed near her arm and asked if there were any other men she'd had sex with.

OP, he's thinking her cheating is all his fault, he coulda woulda shoulda, and she wouldn't have cheated, so he needs to cut her some slack.


OP, does a loving wife betray her husband like this and giggle about her affair partner's "thickness"?????? Or does a woman that's entirely selfish and totally lacking in empathy, AND lacking in any respect, giggle about infidelity with her husband?

Your wife has zero respect for you, doesn't love you, and likes banging other dudes more than she does you. 4 times in 4 hrs? Yeah, she told you that info for a REASON, along with the "thickness". ZERO respect, rubbing your face in it. Remorseful????
I think not.

The only path for a healthy man in this predicament is divorce. If she did the hard work and actually showed some remorse, you might call it off. But seriously, might as well divorce this "woman".


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


We told you... trickle truth.

An iceberg exists. Most of it is below the surface still.


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## stro

Don’t think of the Divorce option as “going for the Jugular”. Think of it as showing your wife her actions have consequences and there is something on the line if she doesn’t tell you EVERYTHING. That’s not to say you can’t recover your marriage, you absolutely can. The thing is, the work that needs to be done here is mostly by your wife. You are simply motivating her by laying out some very real consequences. She has yet to see this from you thus she feels comfortable lying to you.


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## badmemory

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: She said there is more, but not with anyone else. She told me that there was one other time with him.


I'm sorry Midlo. It's hard to make sense of it when you're newly betrayed, but cheaters have a predictable pattern. Most BS's want to think that their spouse is the exception. So, it's not posters being cynical and bitter; we've seen it happen to us and we've read hundred's of threads that play out with these patterns over the years.

With that same experience, we're telling you that R may be a viable option. But if you choose that course, your WW must *earn it*, if you want the best chance at a genuine, sustainable R. The way for her to be motivated to earn that second chance, is for her to feel what it's like to loose her husband for cheating. That's a consequence that she desperately needs. Don't agree to R until she's willing to do anything to save her marriage and proves that she is remorseful. That can take weeks or months to determine.


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## TRy

Midlo2004 said:


> Update:  I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


 With her now admitting that she was lying to you and that "there was one other time with him", you now know that it was an affair, since by definition more than one time is an affair. With her admitting to lying to you before, you also know that she is editing what she tells you, so you do not know the whole story and probably never will.

You must be really willing to end the marriage in order to have a chance at saving it long term. If you are too willing to rug sweep and move on, she will believe that if you catch her cheating again it will not result in you ending the marriage. Thus she can safely cheat. Look up the term cuckold, and know that most cuckolds do not want to be one; it happens because they let it happen even if they do not like it.


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## Noble1

Funny as it is, you can now trust your wife...there is lots more.


Save yourself and move on from this. You can recover. It will take time but you will.

Keep strong and believe in yourself.


Good luck.


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## Pepe1970

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


You don't say!!!!!!!

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## Pepe1970

Pepe1970 said:


> You don't say!!!!!!!
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Remember the iceberg!!!!

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## j187santiago

There's no trust no more
Their is no marriage you can't trust that no more
It's just not healthy like dude said 
Self respect, get it from people who know how to respect and respect themselves 
Hit up a few bars dont drive 
Find some friends and start the process 

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## SentHereForAReason

Please don't think by more stuff coming out that the people here are glad to say I Told You So. In actuality when I saw the one other time remarky heart sank and I said to myself sh**. These are things that we don't want to be right about much more often than not the vets know exactly what has happened and what is yet to come.


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## NobodySpecial

Yah, man. It might sound like folks are beating on you. There is a lot of caring on here. No one is trying to bust YOUR chops.


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## Beach123

And she is still traveling? 

So she can do anything she wants to and you don't change a thing...

She sees you as wimpy - that's why she giggles while telling you how she betrayed you. 

Move her money, cut off her credit cards and change the locks while she's gone. 

Call her parents and tell them exactly what's she's done. 

Start living in reality...she did this - expose her now!

She needs to get scared and embarrassed to realize your marriage isn't the joke she thinks it is!


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## Chaparral

Midlo2004 said:


> why would she all the sudden tell me this once though? She said she was feeling very guilty....


So guilty she bragged about him pounding her four times in a night. So guilty she giggled about his big thick ****? While your basic three times a month is on the borderline of a sexless marriage according to sex therapists. It really looks like she was trying to rub your nose in it. Have you asked for a hall pass?

So she waits forty five days to tell you because she is worried about being infected. One assumes she had sex with you four times in that period. 

Google the epidemic of oral cancer among men contracting HPV.

All cheaters lie. Can’t think of one that didn’t in the thousands of threads here. It’s a cliche but you are at the top of the iceberg.

POLYGRAPH!!!!!!!


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## Chaparral

Midlo2004 said:


> The thing is though - I've even tried to give her an out and to get her to really open up, by telling her that the sexual side of me thinks it was kinda hot that another guy was doing her. I've tried to make her think I think it's hot to see if she will really open up about it, because she doesn't really talk much about it.


Wow. This gives her a hall pass. Men do not behave this way when their wife cheats. You must be in shock. Only a little more than 1 in 10 marriages survive infidelity when the wife cheats.

She didn’t even risk her marriage for love. Just a roll in the hay or four.


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## BluesPower

stillfightingforus said:


> Please don't think by more stuff coming out that the people here are glad to say I Told You So. In actuality when I saw the one other time remarky heart sank and I said to myself sh**. These are things that we don't want to be right about much more often than not the vets know exactly what has happened and what is yet to come.


Wow, @stillfightingforus, you have really learned a lot, haven't you...


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## Chaparral

Midlo2004 said:


> I guess the anger has faded because it's been 4 weeks since she initially confessed to me, so I've been able to manage it.
> 
> Also, yes, she actually is travelling this week. She hasn't traveled in 3 weeks though. I just got off the phone with her and discussed this more and bottom line is that she swears up and down that she has never done this. And I asked and asked and told her it was okay, but I want to know so we can move on. As for why she did it, it was basically lust and sexual attraction that evening that led up to it and he didn't necessarily ask her, it was a mutual thing for him to go to her room in the hotel.
> 
> And, I know you all will bark at me for this, but I do believe her. She has said that she won't see him again in this new role, and that even so, the reward isn't worth the risk. I know her well, been together for 16 years, and married for 14. Been through 16 months of deployments as well.
> 
> thank you for your advice thus far.


What risk? I don’t see where there have been any consequences.


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## Tatsuhiko

So she "swore up and down" that it only happened once, but then later revealed that it had happened before. Now she's going on a trip, and she's making more promises. And you believe her because...?


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## skerzoid

Midlo2004:

You say you don't want to go for the jugular because you want to save your marriage. *She has already admitted to cutting your throat twice that you know of.*

As they all say, *"You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it."* You have to totally get her attention and make her believe this. So....

1. *Visit with a lawyer*. If you really want to get her attention then file and have her served at work. You can stop the process if she becomes remorseful to your satisfaction. 

2. *Timeline.* Demand this! She writes down everything. It will be checked by polygraph. *Non-negotiable. Divorce otherwise.*

3. *Polygraph.* The US Government uses them. Non negotiable.

4. *No sex* till this is settled to your satisfaction. If you have sex with your wayward wife, the court will consider that forgiveness. N*on-negotiable.*

5. *Inform* Human Resources. Do this if you believe there will be further contact. Play hardball here. She has to believe that you would do this. Wipe the grin off of her face as she thinks about his thickness.

6. *Expose* to your families. Non-negotiable.

7. *DNA Test* your children *even* if you are sure they are biologically yours. *Let her know you are doing this. You are setting a tone here.* Non-negotiable.

8. *180.* Hard. Be civil. But she is not a friend now. Deal with her as you would a stranger. That is what you are dealing with. A doppelgänger.

9. *No-Contact letter* edited by you and sent to OM. *Non-negotiable.*

10. *Stay calm* in all discussions with her. Have a written agenda including:
a.) your questions.
b). your demands.
c). what actions will she take on her own?

10. *Under no circumstances*, beg, try to change her mind, or try to reason with her. *NEVER DO THE "PICK ME" DANCE*. It never works. It only makes you look weak and loses her respect for you. 

11. So far you have damaged your cause by making yourself appear weak, "reasonable", and afraid to lose your marriage. Women respect Strength, Courage, & Decisiveness. *Be Strong! Be Courageous! Be Decisive!* Good Luck!


----------



## BobSimmons

Grown folk getting stressed and in a bother about what another man is doing 

Seems the more passively he answers the more fired up folk are getting.

Chain yanking 101. Have fun y'all!


----------



## ABHale

drifting on said:


> Midlo
> 
> Print divorce papers off your counties website, go home and start to fill them out. When she asks what you are doing, just tell her that with what she has shown you this marriage is over. Then don’t say a word, everything she says is replied with this, lies, nothing but lies. Then once you have filled out a page take a break and call her parents. Tell them what she is doing, when she gets angry, tell her it’s going to get much uglier then she ever imagined.


Midlo, this is the only way to save your marriage if you want to. You have to stand up for yourself and make your wife accountable for her actions.


----------



## stillthinking

So she was lying. And there is more going on than she said. Shocking.

What happened to the nice girl? The one whom this behavior is so out of character for?

You are going to realize, as you go forward, that most of what you have been told on this board bears true. Your wife is no different than any other cheater. They all follow the same general pattern. And most betrayed spouses do not want to accept this. They want to believe that their WW is the exception to the rule. A special snowflake. 

Look man, i know this really sucks. I know she is the only piece of ass you have had. I know you have built a life with her up on a pedestal. Kids. House. Friends. Family. The whole nine yards. And you want to save it all. You want the woman you thought you married back. Who wouldn't?

Ok then. If want any chance of saving your marriage longterm. Not a rugsweep and do over in a years time. Then listen. Put your emotions aside for 5 minutes and listen to what we are telling you. Everything you think you should do to get more info and salvage this mess....is wrong. Its counter productive. 

How do we know? Is it because we are all a bunch of bitter, damaged, vindictive people? If that makes you feel better about not taking the advice then fine. 

But the reality is, we have seen this scenario play out time and time again. Its as predictable as the sun rising. And just because you do nit want to believe the sun will rise....does not stop it from happening.


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## Real talk

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


There is a reason she told you about this time. She was at risk of being exposed by him or his spouse or something similar.

You have to accept the fact that everything she says and how she portrays herself is in one way or another covering something up.

You may get a feeling of accountability from the trickles she gives you. But it's always more to the story. Take heed


----------



## Tron

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


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## sa58

Trickle Truth, Trickle Truth.
Only 4times in one night with him.
Oh want a minute I forgot about the 
other time or times? Contact the OM 
wife yet? Your wife is still traveling
and probably meeting him or someone 
else. But you know her and she is shy
and nice. You don't know her!!
She probably only told you the first
time because she thought she had caught 
something and passed it on to you.
Tell her she quits now or Divorce!

CHEATERS LIE AND THEN LIE SOME MORE!!
Do something before she does brings you something!!
STD


----------



## Gabriel

Jesus H. 

I think the wife is much hotter than the husband. So he is trying to hang on to his hot wife by letting her get away with murdering their marriage.

You do realize this is a full blown affair, right? That they've had sex a whole bunch of times?? She is giving you what they call "Trickle Truth". Tell the husband just a little bit of the truth at a time, to ease the blow of her crimes against you. Like littering a little piece of garbage every 10 feet you walk until you've finally gotten rid of it all. 

The fact she admitted to FOUR times in one night means there is SO MUCH MORE she has yet to admit. 

Do what these people are telling you. Make this painful for her, or you are the one that will be in pain for the rest of the time you are with your cheating wife. Tell her to move out for a few days while you figure out your next steps.

She's actually proud of herself. How are you not so totally disgusted? This dude has been coming into your wife for God knows how long. Many times. And she hasn't protected you from whatever he might have. No regard for your health.

Oh, and DNA your kids. I am not usually one to say this but given her careless behavior I think it applies in this case. And tell her you are doing the test. Oh, and tell her you are getting tested for diseases too because she's put your health at risk.


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## Gabriel

Please read up on the 180. It worked wonders for me. If anyone needs to implement the 180 in this friggin' world, it's you.


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## TAMAT

You need the complete and undiluted truth, if you don't get that some bit of truth will pop out 5, 10 or 20 years from now and you will be back to 0 and possibly worse.

As an example of this my W and I were in Pet shop and she mentioned how OM1 had a certain pet in his room. In spite of OM1 happening 20+ years ago it still hit me like that scene from the Godfather where Michael realizes Freido had betrayed him. 

Did your WW ever say to you "I love you but am not in love with you" or some variation on that phrase? And if so how long ago did she say it?

Tamat


----------



## Bananapeel

I'm going to take a slightly different approach here and tell you that there is nothing wrong with rug sweeping this affair if you want to. But, that is only as long as you recognize what you are doing and don't delude yourself about what actually happened in her affair(s) and what the consequences are TO YOU if you make that choice. Most of us, myself included, wouldn't suggest it but rug sweeping is a common way that people deal with these situations. I have a friend whose wife displayed classic signs of cheating (she only ever admitted to one BJ) and they rug swept it and are still married 5 years later. She treats him like crap with an utter lack of respect, but they are still together.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

When you see your wife today, ask her one question, did you contact OM today in any way after I said I would reach out to him? Then scour her computer, phone, anything you can check, tell her if she did you will go nuclear in exposing. You will use social media, contact the company HR, tell her you will destroy her and mean it. From this point forward you do not tell her anything you plan to do with exception of filling out divorce papers. You need to slow down and really read the comments you’ve gotten. Just by saying one thing (reaching out to OM) she confessed more and you took away your chance to know more. Listen, listen to our comments, and you better schedule a poly by Thursday. She’sdone far more then just OM, she’s giving you trickle truth.


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## Tron

You are being played.

She is on a trip now. Things to get done over the next couple of days while she is away:

1. DNA the kids.

2. Pack up her crap. The afternoon she gets back in town have it waiting for her on the front porch. Tell her to find another place to live for the time being. Your marriage is dead.

3. If infidelity has an impact on a division of assets in your state, it would be best to start getting your evidence secured. Find the burner phone. Otherwise just get the paperwork started.

4. Get appointments with some of the toughest lawyers in the city and figure out where you stand. Things could get nasty...

Unless you are ok with having a one-way open marriage where she ****s whoever she wants while travelling and you wait for the sloppy seconds when she gets home. If you are ok with that, then carry on doing what you are doing.


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## Roselyn

OP, woman here, 60 years old & married 38 years (first marriage for the both of us). You have placed your wife in a pedestal. You keep on saying "She's a good girl". She is not. She is a wife who has gone down on the path of infidelity. You are Plan B. Open your eyes and wake up! She had sex with the OM without protection. If she gets HIV, then you and her will be pushing daisies anytime soon. Think of that!


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## SentHereForAReason

Midlo. This is what I fear. She seems to be a harda** like my STBXW . Wears the pants in some aspects? I fear you are going to go to her with some legit demands and concerns and she is going to gaslight the hell out of you to where you think we are all crazy, including doubting yourself. If she is like that. Get ready for a lot of stubbornness and what looks like she is being completely reasonable. Which will make you question everything you do and think.

She is going to convince you why she needs to keep this job. Why she needs to do this and that and you will probably want to believe her because she will come across with certainty. But with people like this, in this state of manipulation. They can manipulate us on autopilot. Sort of like they are being controlled by aliens, possessed sort to speak.

Once you get your plan together, she is going to tear it to shreds with ease. 

You know why you are getting so many responses right now? It's because the vets here see an opportunity to help someone fairly 'early' in the process. That we can help you with the 10% chance you have to save this or to move on quicker and not endure what I did for a year. This is going to get a LOT WORSE before it gets better. Keep posting and we will help arm you for what you are about to go up against. 

I'm sort of different from the vets in I believe in saving the marriage at most costs. As much as it hurts to say and hear. She fell out of love with you at some point but it's not your fault. Some people are born or raised with weak boundaries. To put it simply. In your case and in mine. The person your wife loves the most, is herself.


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## colingrant

If you can't walk away, you'll be walked over. Be the hammer, not the nail.


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## re16

What makes you think that she is not with him right now on this trip? She very well could be.

She knew she would be seeing him on the 4x trip. Did you notice anything different before hand?

Special shave job? New lingerie that was supposedly for you?

Are you fully sure all this traveling has been work related? Can you tell from her time off balance on paystubs?.... she could be burning days off to be with him... staying longer or arriving early to have some time with him....


----------



## re16

TAMAT said:


> You need the complete and undiluted truth, if you don't get that some bit of truth will pop out 5, 10 or 20 years from now and you will be back to 0 and possibly worse.


A month ago was Dday #1. (Admission of one night stand)
Today was Dday #2. (Admission that was an affair - repeated planned sex).
Prepare for Dday #3 thru 10.

If you stay with her, you will have Ddays, just like you are having today, years down the road. You'll think it was getting better, just like you though it was getting better 4 weeks out, and you'll realize that everything that happened in between was a bunch of false crap. Any work done on repairing the relationship was wasted when the next Dday occurs.

Every discussion you've had with her since the first admission, was tainted with lies. Every. Single. One. In fact, they've probably been tainted with lies for years.


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## TAMAT

I would expand a bit on what Roselyn wrote, in that you are her "good boy", the one who does everything adequately and can be trusted to be faithful. You are the person she wishes she could feel a deep sexual attraction for. 

But that your WW has a darker side in the bed room one she can never let you see and this is what the OM got.

Tamat


----------



## RandomDude

Tron said:


>


Lol FK that is awesome, you summed up the thread in one JPG!


----------



## MattMatt

Midlo2004 said:


> Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her. We discussed it all afternoon and have since talked about it many times since. I was completely shocked because she is the last person I would have ever thought to actually do that. She never has before and is actually very conservative in that department anyway. I mean we have sex about every 5 days but we do experiment with positions and what not but she isn't like a total freak or anything. We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off *and she doesn't even know why she did it*. She explained that there isn't a relationship there, and she even was at a conference the next week and the guy happened to be there too, but she said it was done. What has blown me away and left me confused though is that she told me she and the other man had sex 4 times in about 4 hours during this night. Why I was confused by that is because the most she has ever done with me was twice in one day. Now I will say she travels a lot for work and this happened at a conference in Miami, where she says she felt flattered by him (she's known him about a year), and she thinks he was pursuing her. But she did say that it was mutually agreed and it took "two to tango". I'm just confused as to why and how she did it 4 times. She has never been like that. Any advice as to why so many times. I'm the only guy she has ever been with until this happened.


That, @Midlo2004 is what is worrying. If she really doesn't know why she did it, she may do it again.

She needs deep and professional counselling to help her understand why she cheated on her husband and her children, so she can be aware enough not to do it again.


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## Chaparral

Where is the Posom right now? Find out. Find out what the company policy is on this situation. 

How long is she out of town? STOP TALKING TO HER If she calls do not answer. If she texts only answer if it’s about the kids. See what happens when she thinks you have had enough. You finally have an edge, use it. After awhile when she texts, text her back that you are putting her stuff in a garbage bag and ask her where she is planning on staying.

You are now in a full fledged war to save your marriage if that’s possible. The odds are against you. She may even be thinking of leaving you for him. Don’t make the mistake of using a ping pong paddle when a baseball bat is called for.

She will insist on coming home, you can’t legally stop her. Go through her stuff now with a fine tooth comb for clues. Underwear she hasn’t worn for you, toys, condoms, lingerie, toys etc. 

Have voice activated recorders for wherever she uses a phone when you are not in the house. Also have one to put in her car. Even if she doesn’t call her boyfriend from a burner she will call friends or relatives about her situation.

Before you do anything, ask here. You’re walking through a mine field with everything at stake.


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


We told you from the beginning this was the case. You're getting trickle truthed.

You only know the tip of the iceberg. 

Sorry man but you've let her play you. Expect more.


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## ConanHub

Well glad she told you.

She did it 4x with him in four hours because she wanted to. She really liked what he was doing to her and she wanted to please him. End of story.

She definitely needs some therapy because she is a closet cheating s**t and she has no idea why if she is being honest with you.

Your call but I would probably call this marriage done.

Only you can make that decision however.

I like that she told you.

I don't like that she still works with him.

I don't like that she f'd him like crazy in a way she never did with you.

I don't like that it took a month to tell you.

I don't like that she doesn't know why.

Too many cons here and not near enough pros.


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## ConanHub

Hmm. Just caught that she is trickle truthing you as well.

Cut her out.

You have nothing but pain coming from her bull ****.


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


Given that she’s still working with him, there will likely be a lot more times as well.

Hell, they may have been banging today.

And other than confronting him in person, why would you reach out to him? Do you think he’s going to _admit_ to banging one of his employees?


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## Evinrude58

She will: deny, obfuscate, deflect, 
She will continue cheating, at every opportunity. Why? Because she wants to.


OP will: ask questions, bluff consequences, be nice, play the pick me dance.

Fast forward: he will accept an open marriage, or divorce after the upteenth case of infidelity.

Or, if OP’s wife actually does love him, and he gives her the conditions he will accept for her to stay, including quitting the traveling job and complete transparency, and serving her with papers —— she might, MIGHT start working toward making him feel like she cares about him.

Weak, indecisive behavior does nithing.


----------



## Tomara

I have read all of your post. You are not there yet but you will get “there”. You have to decide when or if you stand proud and tall. None of us and I mean NONE will talk you into standing up for yourself.... it’s your call.

When the pain is so bad you don’t know if you are coming or going..... it will hit you like a ton of bricks. 

You simple haven’t hit the utter deviation cheating will have on your life. My prayers go with you you into this black hole.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


Hopefully now from this you understand that SHE IS LYING TO YOU. She is trickle truthing you -- just feed you enough until she thinks you actually believe her and you rug sweep. You kept denying saying "this is her first time" and everyone here told you not to the point you were defending her and pissed off. DO YOU BELIEVE now?? And she still hasn't told you the full truth....

DO NOT believe anything she says. You need to verify it -- talk to the OM wife (ex-W or whatever) -- find a PI to get that info if you need to. Schedule a polygraph -- this will tell you TONS of info (she may confess in the parking lot before hand...).

Get pissed off, GIVE CONSEQUENCES to her actions -- see a lawyer, protect your finances, protect your children. This is NOT the woman you think she is.

By doing what you are doing, you are putting your ENTIRE family at risk. YOU for your sanity and health issues (she is barebacking these guys for crying out loud), your kids -- she CAN transmit diseases to them, plus you are allowing them to see that its ok if someone in a marriage cheats -- no big deal, they didn't get divorced so I guess it's ok. Do you REALLY want to give this as an example to your kids??


----------



## RWB

RWB said:


> Post 101... MidLo "out-a-here" for now.
> 
> 6 months or a year from now... "I'm back, guess what? Wife had been sleeping around on me for years. Imagine that?"


It wasn't 6 months, more like 6 hours. 

MidLo,

This isn't rocket science. When will you get it. TAM is not a bunch of rogue haters. We are a just a collective of people that have been cheated on, some like me for years, that know the drill. The first fallback for a cheater is to minimize. "It was only once.", "I was so confused.", "I swear on my Mom's grave I've never done this before." Blah, Blah, Blah.

Your wife is a following the classic caught cheater script. Many half-truths and bald face lies to follow.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

As I said earlier the posters here wish you no harm, they only want you to see the truth that you can’t see. I stumbled myself when it happened to me, it’s a hell of a shock to your brain. Finding TAM is what really helped me along, writing this out, this was how I basically coped and kept my head clear so to speak. Many of those same posters whom I respect and have thanked for their help are on your thread now. They can’t hold your hand through this, they can only guide you to keep moving forward. Keep your head clear, listen to these posters, most have been in your shoes one way or another. 

You were told this wasn’t her first rodeo, you were told that she isn’t remorseful, you were given many suggestions to move forward. It gives nobody here joy to be right, to tell you that there is so much more. Have you scheduled the polygraph? Do that tomorrow then call your wife and tell her she best be home tonight and ready to go one hour before your appointment. Do not tell her you scheduled a polygraph, if she balks at coming home, tell her you thought her marriage was more important. Tell her you will see her tonight and she can tell her company it’s a family emergency. Then tell her if she still doesn’t come home, that tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day. Tell her not much work will probably get done, that her company and or employment is going to be in grace jeopardy. If she doesn’t come home you hit her social media and OM’s social media. That includes everything, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, company websites, you torch it all to the ground. 

When she gets home have all her **** in the spare bedroom. On her pillow you place the business card of your lawyer, and a note that says all communication is to go through the lawyer. Do not speak to her at all, she is your enemy in the war she declared on you. She needs to see you will not accept her behavior, you will shoot your enemy and not lose a nights sleep over it. Separate your finances, cancel all joint credit cards, do this at the advice of your lawyer. Your wife needs to see a side of you she has never seen, nor will ever want to see again. 

Begin to call OM, you have nothing to lose by doing that now. Ask him how his company will react to the news he is having sex with those below him on the ladder. Hang up. Hit his social media as well, don’t give him one ounce to move. Do not be threatening, just sound ice cold and void of emotion. 

Midlo, I didn’t understand this all either, I had to learn just as you. However you are at war now, your actions need to be very calculated to end the war.


----------



## TDSC60

Midlo2004 said:


> Why is it that most of you feel like she has done this before? Is it because the fact that since I said we usually only do it once every five or seven days and then she tells me she did it four times in four hours with one guy one night? Is that the reason because a woman doesn't just go from sex once a week to 4 times in one night? so you're saying she has been experienced in this?


Nothing to with how many time you have sex with her or how many times the OM has.

The fact that she hid everything from you until she thought she might have gotten an STD and the fact that she is still hiding the whole truth makes it appear that this is not her first time.


----------



## Beach123

Why do you think nicing her repeatedly will make her loyal and faithful? It won't!

Why would you want her after all this? Love does NOT look like this. And you honestly don't know your wife anymore because she's now a woman you don't know becaus she repeatedly cheated on you and purposely ruined your family!

That's not loving bhavior! That's a woman that thinks you're so nice (too nice) that she can giggle when she describes the sex with him! 

Come on man - man up! Do somethings to help yourself! She has taken you for a ride and continues because YOU keep ALLOWING it!

Why in the world did you think her traveling again is ok? Why is she still working there?

Why isn't she stranded on a trip with no cash and no credit cards to use? Why isn't the house off limits to her (locks changed)?

Make her consequences hurt man - or she gets the idea she can keep treating you terribly. Start being mean - or at least showing her that YOU respect YOURSELF!

Why would you go along with all that crap from her? She is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world.

Just start doing things to make a difference in YOUR life by taking YOUR power back!


----------



## Windwalker

I'll only say this.

I'm not sure what I would do if my wife had the guts to tell me the **** that, OP's wife said to the OP, especially after potentially giving me a ****ing death sentence with a STD.

Probably, solitary confinement in the state penn.

Nuff said.


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## smi11ie

I don’t believe for a second that it was twice. They are probably together every chance they get. Don’t be surprised if she is in love with him.


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## Mr.Married

The future is easy to predict: We'll see this guy here again in two years about her having another affair....or he is just finding out about another one.

Beta, doormat, rug sweep, weak. Combine a good looking woman like your wife with a beta man....well..what more is there to say? She has more attraction 
currency than you and she knows it.

My wife is very loyal, a rock of our foundation. If I were a weak man I would have no defense against her cheating on me. Look in the mirror...it is your fault as
much as hers.

Who cares about all those details about that she cheated, trust, his package, how many times, blah blah blah.....All talk about symptoms. Get to the root of it all. Look at yourself.
Fix it from there...then the rest of the details will fix themselves


----------



## [email protected]

The 4 times thing will NEVER leave your mind, nor will the "thick" answer either. She's been playing you, pal.
Get rid of her or you're in for more heartache!


----------



## scaredlion

One of the areas I got some experience in during my military career was gathering intelligence on enemy movements and objectives. We had what we referred to as "indicators". They were little bits of information that couldn't stand by themselves but put with other bits would eventually produce something of tactical value. I have no advice but I do have some indicators I gleaned from what you have posted here.

(1) Indications are you have been in an open marriage for a while and didn't know. The open marriage started the instant your wife had sex with the AP the first time.This is reinforced by her offer of a "hall pass". If you take the hall pass then you have legitimized the open marriage and she can fall back on "you did it too". So if you want to legitimize the open marriage then take the hall pass.
(2) One of the indicators that she had opened your marriage was her accusations, without provocation or proof, that you were cheating. It indicates she was projecting her actions onto you in order to legitimize what she was doing. (As I said, indications don't stand alone but are just a piece to the whole)
(3) Her confession. This came long after her first time with the AP and 45 days after the last. Indications are that, due to the time factor, guilt was not the cause of the confession. There is another piece that you don't know about yet.
(4) The fact she had sex 4 times in one night with the AP indicates that (a) she wanted it and she was really into it (b) if you were only having sex with her about once a week then she was getting something from him that she wasn't getting from you (c) it was so good that she went back for more since she has admitted it was her second time with the AP (d) she only recently admitted that she had been with the AP before so after she has basically admitted lying then that indicates there may be more times and even more men that she hasn't told you about. (I learned long ago people will only admit what they absolutely have to or only what can be proven) It is also an indicator that you were not even a blimp of a thought on her radar as she was banging her AP.
(5) When you ask questions and she "doesn't remember" or "she's trying to forget" or "she doesn't want to talk about it" are indications she is trying to control the information you get. And what questions she does answer, the way she answers them can indicate how she truly feels and the control she is trying to maintain. Making lite of what you ask or giggling is a major indication. Listen closely to what she says and how she says it. (As far as her not being able to remember, DO NOT BELIEVE THAT. I was in a ground attack once where I had the bad guys in the trench with me with bullets flying and explosions going off. I was shot and blown up that night. With all that was going on I remember everything I did that night. Indications are she is lying through her teeth if she says she doesn't remember what happened during an all night **** fest.
(6) I've never been an advocate of making the WS quit their job. It seems pointless to me. Since you didn't have a clue about what was going on indicates that she is very good at stealth affairs and making her quit her job wouldn't even slow her down if she wanted to continue. If she wants she can always find a way. Besides if she can't keep away from the AP at her job then that is a good indicator that you will never be able to trust her anyway. And if she does quit whose to say there's not someone at the next job she would take a fancy to. Going to make her quit that one too? I think that making a WS quit their job is a ploy to make the BS fell he still has some power. Besides, if it would come to divorce you would want her to have a job to support herself.
(7) The passive attitude and the submissive role you appear to be taking is an indication that your wife holds almost all the power in your relationship. She knows exactly what she can do and say and still keep you in check. Sex once a week and she has a happy husband she can manipulate. No battle has ever been won by fighting from a weak position. Indications are you need to change positions.
(8) She doesn't want you talking with the AP. Indications are that she doesn't want anyone to know about her sex capades . This would include her family, friends and her company HR. A short call to the AP and say," I know about the affair and my lawyer is advising me on who to contact and what to do." Then hang up. See how long it takes your wife to call you. This will indicate how close in contact they are.
(9) A threat of exposure and divorce will give you a good indicator of how you wife really feels about the affair and you and her family. 

I don't know what you see but these little bits of information begin to form a picture of where you stand. You have received a lot of advice here and I said I wasn't going to give any but I am going to say this. Even after all your years of marriage I do not believe and indications are, you don't know anywhere near about your wife's sexual wants and desires. I'm probably twice your age and I have sex a lot more than you do. If you stay with her then you need to vamp up the sexual intimacy to at least three or four times a week. If you have to get some little blue pills. Try some new things, I think you said she wasn't into oral. Don't take that as gospel. Try it about a dozen times. You don't know what you are missing. You have a lot of changes you need to make. A woman will pick a strong man over a weak one nine out of ten times. I do wish you well.


----------



## Decorum

scaredlion said:


> (1) Indications are you have been in an open marriage for a while and didn't know. The open marriage started the instant your wife had sex with the AP the first time.This is reinforced by her offer of a "hall pass". If you take the hall pass then you have legitimized the open


She feels bad she has hurt you, but she is not remorseful for her sexual activites. They are part of her life, of who she is.

She picks a safe partner, and the cover of travel to give into her desire to be taken.

You are her safe, secure, comfortable, committed relationship. The person she expected to grow old with.

She views you more like a commodity. You are part of a bigger deal she has made for herself.

She has a different view of sex than you, but she does not want to hurt you.

But she doesn't love you like you think.

The hall pass makes this clear.

The cheater is damaged by cheating as well. I would never wish or condone that for someone I love with a risky and reckless offer of a hall pass.

Furthermore a woman who loves you the way you want to be loved could never bear the idea of you being with someone else.

She can because it merely puts you on the same level she lives on and looks forward to everyday.

Giving you a hall pass is a very bad sign.

There is more, a lot more.

The iceberg principle is in effect here, without a doubt.

Her admission to withholding the truth is all the justification you need.

Polygraph!!!


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

drifting on said:


> Midlo
> 
> As I said earlier the posters here wish you no harm, they only want you to see the truth that you can’t see. I stumbled myself when it happened to me, it’s a hell of a shock to your brain. Finding TAM is what really helped me along, writing this out, this was how I basically coped and kept my head clear so to speak. Many of those same posters whom I respect and have thanked for their help are on your thread now. They can’t hold your hand through this, they can only guide you to keep moving forward. Keep your head clear, listen to these posters, most have been in your shoes one way or another.
> 
> You were told this wasn’t her first rodeo, you were told that she isn’t remorseful, you were given many suggestions to move forward. It gives nobody here joy to be right, to tell you that there is so much more. Have you scheduled the polygraph? Do that tomorrow then call your wife and tell her she best be home tonight and ready to go one hour before your appointment. Do not tell her you scheduled a polygraph, if she balks at coming home, tell her you thought her marriage was more important. Tell her you will see her tonight and she can tell her company it’s a family emergency. Then tell her if she still doesn’t come home, that tomorrow is going to be a very interesting day. Tell her not much work will probably get done, that her company and or employment is going to be in grace jeopardy. If she doesn’t come home you hit her social media and OM’s social media. That includes everything, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, company websites, you torch it all to the ground.
> 
> When she gets home have all her **** in the spare bedroom. On her pillow you place the business card of your lawyer, and a note that says all communication is to go through the lawyer. Do not speak to her at all, she is your enemy in the war she declared on you. She needs to see you will not accept her behavior, you will shoot your enemy and not lose a nights sleep over it. Separate your finances, cancel all joint credit cards, do this at the advice of your lawyer. Your wife needs to see a side of you she has never seen, nor will ever want to see again.
> 
> Begin to call OM, you have nothing to lose by doing that now. Ask him how his company will react to the news he is having sex with those below him on the ladder. Hang up. Hit his social media as well, don’t give him one ounce to move. Do not be threatening, just sound ice cold and void of emotion.
> 
> Midlo, I didn’t understand this all either, I had to learn just as you. However you are at war now, your actions need to be very calculated to end the war.


Midlo, this is one hell of a battle plan. 
Implement and take your life back.
Spot on DO.


----------



## salparadise

scaredlion said:


> We had what we referred to as "indicators". They were little bits of information that couldn't stand by themselves but put with other bits would eventually produce something of tactical value.
> 
> (3) Her confession... *guilt was not the cause* of the confession. There is another piece that you don't know about yet.
> 
> (4) The fact she had sex *4 times in one night* with the AP indicates that (a) she wanted it and she was really into it (b) if you were only having sex with her about once a week then she was getting something from him that she wasn't getting from you (c) it was so good that she went back for more since she has *admitted it was her second time* with the AP (d) she only recently admitted that she had been with the AP before so after she has basically admitted lying then that indicates there may be more times and even more men that she hasn't told you about.
> 
> (5) When you ask questions and she *"doesn't remember" or "she's trying to forget" or "she doesn't want to talk about it" are indications she is trying to control the information* you get. And what questions she does answer, the way she answers them can indicate how she truly feels and the control she is trying to maintain. *Making lite of what you ask or giggling is a major indication.* Listen closely to what she says and how she says it. (As far as her not being able to remember, DO NOT BELIEVE THAT.
> 
> (7) The passive attitude and the submissive role you appear to be taking is an indication that *your wife holds almost all the power* in your relationship. She knows exactly what she can do and say and still keep you in check.
> 
> (9) A *threat of exposure and divorce will give you a good indicator of how you wife really feels* about the affair and you and her family.
> 
> I don't know what you see but these little bits of information begin to form a picture...


Yea, something about this whole story is different, and not quite adding up. I've been trying to understand her motivation... why the disclosure when it wasn't necessary. There is an overall dearth of remorse and humility as one would expect if the confession was supposed to be cathartic. Instead, it almost seems that it's process of emasculation... telling him details like four times in one night, giggling as she told him about the size of the other man's penis, and then adding, almost as an afterthought... well, there was one other time. 

Then there's the offer of the "hall pass." WTF? What that says is that not only is she not remorseful about her own escapades, but she's fine with him doing the same thing, as if that evens the score and make is all okay. But it also has the effect of normalizing non-monogamy in this marriage, implicitly giving herself permission to phukk whomever.

It's not lost on me that the other man is a director at the company... a more dominant, high-status man, a bull. This sounds like only a slight variation of the ubiquitous porn scenarios where the wife describes her enthusiasm at being taken by a big bull with a 12 inch tool, while the emasculated husband watches and wanks and basks in the humiliation.

I suspect that she has a lively erotic imagination that is starting to merge with reality, and the confession was a key stem––informing the husband and enlisting his alliance, albeit not perfectly consensual––yet. Hotwife in the making perhaps?


----------



## Decorum

45 days seems like a long time for an intelligent woman to not get tested due to a vaginal itch.

Most results would be in, and those with longer terms would be in shortly thereafter.

Why wait so long, not get tested, and then confess?

Was she hoping she was wrong, and it would go away?

If she came out clean why was she experiencing vaginal itch during that 45 day period?

It doesn't add up, and I doubt this being the sole reason for the confession


----------



## oldtruck

One of the biggest WW lies: the OM is divorced. This is said to stop the
BH from telling the OMW. Every BH must confirm that the is truly single
and not divorced.


----------



## Esmeralda

It is illicity and excitement, feeling of being alive. She is not bad person, she made a bad desision . She loves you that's why she told you, did not keep it secret. Forgive her but make it clear you won't forgive again.


----------



## Decorum

Until you caught her in a lie by purposing to take action, (i.e. contacting OM), she played on your trust in her masterfully, and manipulated you with lies, trickle tuth, and minimisation.

She was keeping you right where she wanted you because she knew you so well. You were no match for her.

If we may (incrediciously) believe it was only one other time, then this still was a "thing", an affair.

There was an acknowledged relationship, with intention.

There was sexual tension, conversations, playfulness, dominance, and submission.

He knew she was available and he could have her again, she knew the time would come when he would take her again, and she would willingly submit to his advances, and please him sexually.

They both experienced anticipation. Sometimes when she was with you she was thinking about him.

She is a good girl, but all women desire to be taken. Not just loved.
It's primal wiring.


----------



## Midlo2004

I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Midlo2004 said:


> I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


:surprise:

I believe she likely told you due to the fact she thought she had an std. For the record, there is a 99.9% probability 
She has done this before. Are you really this naive?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


Read the thread of the poster that just said your wife made a bad decision and you should forgive. She just started a thread about how she left her husband 7 years ago for another man, that left his wife and now she is getting dumped by the affair partner for someone else and is broken-hearted about it.

Your wife didn't make a bad decision. She made several, calculated decisions and that's only what we do know.

Sorry to tell you Midlo but she didn't tell you out of guilt her actions and demeanor after make that loud and clear if you want to know how we know that.


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## kekkek

If Mildo is not going to kick her out (my recommended course of action), then he should at least make use of the hall pass. It might help him find his way back. Not to do either is really weak.


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## SentHereForAReason

kekkek said:


> If Mildo is not going to kick her out (my recommended course of action), then he should at least make use of the hall pass. It might help him find his way back. Not to do either is really weak.


No freakin' way dude. That's a great way to screw himself in court and lose any kind of leverage he has of doing what's best for his kids and financial future. I know what you are saying but Hell No. It would be a moral thing with me, what I believe in, integrity, etc but even above and beyond that, from the legal ramifications of that once this goes south, no thank you.


----------



## Decorum

Personnaly I think it got to the point where he wanted her to leave you, and she did not want that.

She became afraid he would do something to wreck your marriage, like expose the affair to you.

So she confessed to disarm his intention.


----------



## Midlo2004

A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:

1. Location and position: This guy lives in a different state - he's over 650 miles away. He isn't her boss. Completely different team and a separate part of business (sales vs Technical), so he doesn't travel except a few times a year. She has seen him 3 times in the last year. 

2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter. They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.

3. The time she confessed about - They are at the same conference as the first time he pursued her that I just stated above where she declined. After 3 days of the conference, the last night, they are at the bar, he comes up, and yes, they do it 4 times without protection. This was 1 Feb. She told me mid March. They haven't texted communicated since.

4. She is moving into a new job (same company) in which she won't work with him at all. This was not because I told her to change jobs. This was on her own. 

5. She said there has been no other men. Only him. And no other times- and I have every reason to believe she is being honest.

A few thoughts: Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


----------



## anchorwatch

Midlo2004 said:


> I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


There are other reasons too. She told you because the secrecy of the affair has been jeopardized. She may have contracted something and needs to explain why. It may have been exposed at or is jeopardizing her work. The OM may have a SO who found out. The OM may have threatened to expose it in order for her to leave you. 

You don't know what you don't know!

You do know this was done behind your back without concern for what it would do to you and family. That's who she is.


----------



## Midlo2004

Midlo2004 said:


> A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:
> 
> 1. Location and position: This guy lives in a different state - he's over 650 miles away. He isn't her boss. Completely different team and a separate part of business (sales vs Technical), so he doesn't travel except a few times a year. She has seen him 3 times in the last year.
> 
> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter. They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.
> 
> 3. The time she confessed about - They are at the same conference as the first time he pursued her that I just stated above where she declined. After 3 days of the conference, the last night, they are at the bar, he comes up, and yes, they do it 4 times without protection. This was 1 Feb. She told me mid March. They haven't texted communicated since.
> 
> 4. She is moving into a new job (same company) in which she won't work with him at all. This was not because I told her to change jobs. This was on her own.
> 
> 5. She said there has been no other men. Only him. And no other times- and I have every reason to believe she is being honest.
> 
> A few thoughts: Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


Also, he is not married. I've confirmed this. I know the locations, his job, etc as facts, not stuff she just tells me.


----------



## Midlo2004

Also another point. She had an opportunity a week later, mid February where she travelled again, and he was there as well. Another big yearly conference. She said he came onto her, but she said it was over and they both agreed they didn't want to do this anymore, personal reasons and professional.


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## Lostinthought61

Just so we are clear Midlo...whether you want to understand or not this is an Affair and not a one night stand...you realize when she left you and the kids, she had predetermined to be with him again, she had INTENT to be with him again...unprotected sex...she had feelings for him, if she did not she would not had let him into her room, and into her body without protection...bad decision...this was not like buying the wrong washing machine this action is saying that she put your life, your marriage above her need to have sex with him. Dear god man wake up and be a man. I ask you again what has she done to ensure this does not happen again, what penalties has she taken on herself to prevent this from again...you should tell her that you are meeting with a lawyer to talk about your options, you should tell her that she needs couseling and then you both do, you should tell her that you do not trust her at all, and that she destroyed your marriage...i ma going to stop writing because your so scared of losing her that you are willing to suck it up. Maybe next time


----------



## kekkek

Midlo2004 said:


> They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and* that's it.* ...
> 
> Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


Midlo, you are one mellow dude. You are worried about being a hard ass in this situation. So, a one night stand with condoms with OM is no problem for you. A follow up bareback session makes you question her being a good girl, just a little. But she is so honest and trustworthy. I am wondering what she would have to do to for you to take notice and pay attention. Send you weekly videos of her extracurricular activities?


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Midlo2004 said:


> Also another point. She had an opportunity a week later, mid February where she travelled again, and he was there as well. Another big yearly conference. She said he came onto her, but she said it was over and they both agreed they didn't want to do this anymore, personal reasons and professional.


So, he walks up to your WW and hits on her. She says no and they "both" agree they didn't want to do it anymore.....I am going to call the cards here! No way. You don't walk up to someone and say yes, then all agree upon nah,,,it ain't gonna happen. ---This is trickle truth at it's worst. 

I'm gonna say that they talked about sex and just couldn't find the time to get it on. Or, she is gassing you and she made herself airtight with him yet again.

Sorry, but your not getting the real story here.


----------



## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> Also another point. She had an opportunity a week later, mid February where she travelled again, and he was there as well. Another big yearly conference. She said he came onto her, *but she said it was over and they both agreed they didn't want to do this anymore, personal reasons and professiona*l.


Don't give her too much credit , she doesn't get praise for NOT cheating that one time.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Also another point. She had an opportunity a week later, mid February where she travelled again, and he was there as well. Another big yearly conference. She said he came onto her, but she said it was over and they both agreed they didn't want to do this anymore, personal reasons and professional.


Midlo, please understand man. She is doing what my wife did to me and what so many others like us have to go through. That's the power of trickle truthing. You say you have every reason to believe her, no you don't! 

Basically understand this premise. She is giving you details on things you didn't know or didn't ask for, that psychologically, is very powerful because it leads you to believe that she is telling you everything because she is telling you things you didn't even ask for. This is done on purpose. I can't tell you how many things my wife said to me over the past years' process that were a lie, almost everything. Even things she really didn't need to lie about. You are being manipulated right now and it sucks, you want to believe her. You want to believe if you forgive and forget about this, it will be ok and she just made a mistake

If anything that you just heard recently from her that is f'n crazy out of her mouth. It's the she didn't tell you about the other time because it didn't matter? huh?

She is now going to the next chapter in the cheater playbook. Blaming it on him and saying she took the high road on resisting other advances. There's a reason she is telling you this. She either couldn't be with him during that time for one reason or another and is taking credit for it or she was with him and by making you believe she told you about him being there, she knows you will take stock that she told you and feel good about it.

There's nothing good about what she is saying and doing. 

My brother, please understand, we are trying to help you first and foremost and trying to help you with what you want to do. It's clear you want to save this marriage. Bury the marriage you had. If you want to have a 'new' marriage with this woman, what we are telling you is a must. This is heading down a path of myself and so many others on this board that couldn't get out of their own way. It's so hard, I know man, being in the situation, it's painful, you just want it to go away. You just want your life back and would do anything for it. What I'm afraid is that we are going to start seeing posters on her bail because you cannot see the light here.

Forget the minor details about him not being her boss, etc, etc. If she wants to save this marriage on her end. She needs to quit the job in where she travels, period. This may sound crazy and controlling, it's far from it. It's a small price to pay. This even hurts me because I see so many identical parallels between you and I and our wives. My wife is in outside sales and has all the opportunity in the world to do as she pleases, whenever she pleases and not be held accountable for it. For someone with poor boundaries, this is a recipe for disaster. Please stop giving your wife the benefit of the doubt, she should not have had that once she cheated and that chance should have been LONG gone once she started lying.


----------



## Midlo2004

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So, he walks up to your WW and hits on her. She says no and they "both" agree they didn't want to do it anymore.....I am going to call the cards here! No way. You don't walk up to someone and say yes, then all agree upon nah,,,it ain't gonna happen. ---This is trickle truth at it's worst.
> 
> I'm gonna say that they talked about sex and just couldn't find the time to get it on. Or, she is gassing you and she made herself airtight with him yet again.
> 
> Sorry, but your not getting the real story here.


Actually, to be clear, she said that it was done after the night they did it 4 times. A week later at another big conference, he was there, but my wife's best friend was also in the area and staying in her hotel room like a mini girls trip (even though it was for work, but it was a free trip for my wife's best friend). So yes, he came onto her, but she again held tight and told him it was for sure done.


----------



## stro

Well, call it hard ass if you want but. she need to understand you have zero reason to trust her. She needs to be ripping her heart out of her chest and laying it at your feet while begging for forgiveness through her sobs. If that didn’t happen then buckle up. It’s going to be a rough ride. You two should be in MC as well.


----------



## sa58

She said, She said!!

She said on your wedding day she loved you and
would not cheat. You now know that was a lie.
She keeps telling you (She said) what she wants
you to believe. She said "because it din't matter''
One time matters. Stop believing her lies,or 
you will regret it later. She has paid no penalties
for betraying you and her lies. She will more than
likely see him again. She may even find someone 
else since you let her slide on this one. She has
no respect for you or your marriage. She got a promotion
and is changing jobs? Polygraph her and see a lawyer.
Get ready for more surprises now or in the future.
Best of luck rug sweeping the whole thing. 
She said it will never happen again? She said it
would never happen in the first place!! He knew 
she was married but so did she!! 
Grow them or grab them!!
Do something besides rug sweeping!!


----------



## bandit.45

Unbelievable. 


Im just....I don’t know. 

There is being laid back, and then there is being apathetic. 

Midlo do you really love your wife? Or are you just with her out of habit, or because you think you have no other prospects?

And please don’t say its because of the kids.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Why do I get the feeling that in all these posts. The OP is basically being the lawyer in her corner justifying her actions? I don't get it. What is actually your questions in all of this. Or do you just want to write down as a postmortem brain dump to allow you to process her infidelity and loss of connection to you?

I get that you are still in the trauma of finding out the one partner you were supposed to rely upon as your rock, is not. But you do need to process your feelings in all of this. I sense that you are soon to wake up and find alot of things in this relationship that you do not like.... Sorry, but this much is true.

The reason others post that rug sweeping is NOT the answer for this, it one point only. It allows the WW to sense no real pain and consequence to her own greediness. She WILL DO IT AGAIN. The next time the itch comes, the next time you guys argue or fight, the next time she feels alone and not pretty.... You see it yet? You need to get out of infidelity. And if she wants to rug sweep, you need to 180. She is NOT the committed partner she says she is.


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## SentHereForAReason

Midlo, I hope you read what I put in my longer response but seriously, get this message. You are believing what she is saying because you want to believe her, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt because you have believed her your whole life and had no reason not to. And most of what she said in the past was probably true BUT .....

Once someone is in an affair, had an affair, etc, etc. They are no longer that same person, they will lie to their heart's content and look you dead in the eye and swear that they are telling the truth and do it with so much confidence you will tell yourself there's NO WAY she's lying about this. Sadly, that's not who it works. You now cannot believe anything she is saying and only half of what she actually does.

My STBXW and I are devout Catholics, involved in the school, church, etc. She swore to GOD that she wasn't lying about these things and others and did it looking me straight in the eye. You cannot believe her anymore ... sorry man


----------



## Midlo2004

bandit.45 said:


> Unbelievable.
> 
> 
> Im just....I don’t know.
> 
> There is being laid back, and then there is being apathetic.
> 
> Midlo do you really love your wife? Or are you just with her out of habit, or because you think you have no other prospects?
> 
> And please don’t say its because of the kids.


Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...

I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being. 

Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.

I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Why do I get the feeling that in all these posts. The OP is basically being the lawyer in her corner justifying her actions? I don't get it. What is actually your questions in all of this. Or do you just want to write down as a postmortem brain dump to allow you to process her infidelity and loss of connection to you?
> 
> I get that you are still in the trauma of finding out the one partner you were supposed to rely upon as your rock, is not. But you do need to process your feelings in all of this. I sense that you are soon to wake up and find alot of things in this relationship that you do not like.... Sorry, but this much is true.
> 
> The reason others post that rug sweeping is NOT the answer for this, it one point only. It allows the WW to sense no real pain and consequence to her own greediness. She WILL DO IT AGAIN. The next time the itch comes, the next time you guys argue or fight, the next time she feels alone and not pretty.... You see it yet? You need to get out of infidelity. And if she wants to rug sweep, you need to 180. She is NOT the committed partner she says she is.


It may not be long until she takes the excuses he will be giving her on a platter to use against him and justify her own actions even further and use his own words against him


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


It's usually quite the opposite. The men who treat their wives like **it, those wives don't often cheat, they actually try even harder and try to prove their worth. It's the guys like us that treat their wives like they deserve to be treated but do it at our own expense, get taken for granted, lose their respect and lose their attraction and then, that's when the affair thoughts and mindset open up for them. I get the sense, like me, you are a nice guy, a good dad and tried to be a good husband. Problem is, when someone is like this on the other end, they take all of that for granted and actually make up their own narrative and justifications.

I have known my wife for 18 years, I am close with her family, she is/was close with mine. We both come from great families, like I said, involved deeply in the church. That doesn't mean a damn thing when someone's brain is on the drug of infidelity. Emotion trumps all logic and rational. You can?t beat emotion. Stop trying. | Dad Starting Over


----------



## thummper

Sorry, but four times in one night ain't a "mistake."


----------



## Hoosier

Ok, so the OP reconciles with his wife, all is forgiven, all is good, she only "made a small mistake" (4x...) 

What is the over/under on him being back that she "made a small miskake" again? I'm thinking 9 months?


----------



## Tex X

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


You're not equals - she owns your a** and she knows it. You have no idea who this woman is or what she is capable of. She has lied to you, cheated on you multiple times, and is now trickle truthing you. How you can trust this woman right now is beyond me. And you really think that all of the people on this forum who have been cheated on deserved it because they treated their spouse like crap? Who the F do you think you are? Jesus - good luck being a doormat the rest of your life.


----------



## Steelman

Boy- if I didn't know what trickle truth was before this thread, I know what it is now. Definitely a cheater buzzword


----------



## drifting on

Midlo2004 said:


> Also another point. She had an opportunity a week later, mid February where she travelled again, and he was there as well. Another big yearly conference. She said he came onto her, but she said it was over and they both agreed they didn't want to do this anymore, personal reasons and professional.




So let’s assume I’m taking your word in all of this, by that I mean, it was a mistake. However, both have decided now that this is wrong, both personally and professionally. So you are happy that she had sex with him four times in one night and that she doesn’t want it anymore? What are the professional reasons? That they would both be unemployed? So she turned down the next opportunity, you’re happy about that? Listen, I understand your love for your wife, but answer me one question. You say she is a good girl, you say she confessed out of guilt, you say she didn’t think the previous time was important, but confessed now because she thought she had an STD and you say it’s guilt?????? Why wasn’t she feeling guilty after the first time????? Get your head out of your own ass!!!


----------



## Midlo2004

Tex X said:


> You're not equals - she owns your a** and she knows it. You have no idea who this woman is or what she is capable of. She has lied to you, cheated on you multiple times, and is now trickle truthing you. How you can trust this woman right now is beyond me. And you really think that all of the people on this forum who have been cheated on deserved it because they treated their spouse like crap? Who the F do you think you are? Jesus - good luck being a doormat the rest of your life.[/QUOTE
> 
> Bee sting......ouch.


----------



## Midlo2004

drifting on said:


> So let’s assume I’m taking your word in all of this, by that I mean, it was a mistake. However, both have decided now that this is wrong, both personally and professionally. So you are happy that she had sex with him four times in one night and that she doesn’t want it anymore? What are the professional reasons? That they would both be unemployed? So she turned down the next opportunity, you’re happy about that? Listen, I understand your love for your wife, but answer me one question. You say she is a good girl, you say she confessed out of guilt, you say she didn’t think the previous time was important, but confessed now because she thought she had an STD and you say it’s guilt?????? Why wasn’t she feeling guilty after the first time????? Get your head out of your own ass!!!


She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....


----------



## sa58

You do not know who she is!!
You are not equal she cheated and betrayed you
your trust and children. You do not need to put her 
out you just need to make her understand this is not
a simple ONS. This was and may still be an affair.
Make her understand you will not accept this now
or in the future. Take her off the pedestal you have 
placed her on. Mistake would have been once not 
multiple times and lies and more lies .

Your choice how you live your life thou.


----------



## bandit.45

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


You’ve bought into the commonly held fallacies that: 

1) It was a mistake. 

No it was not a mistake. A mistake is grabbing the wrong size blouse off the rack and buying it. A mistake is when you put two cups of salt in the cake batter instead of sugar. She made a DECISION to cheat on you, not once but twice....the second time at risk of pregnancy. What if this guy had knocked her up? What if she had kept that from you and you spent the next 18 years unkowingly raising another man’s child?

2). That betrayed spouses did something to “deserve” being cheated on. 

This is the most common lie perpetrated by the media and television experts. Women cheat because their husbands were not being emotionally available. Men cheat because their wives don’t satisfy them sexually. 

All convenient excuses to allow the cheater to shed responsibility and accountability. 

Midlo stop believing the lies. Your wife made no mistake. She liked this guy, liked the attention he gave her and she willingly met up with him to have sex. It was fun. It was naughty. It was exciting. And she did it all with premeditation. 

You did nothing wrong to make her cheat. There is no such thing as a perfect husband or wife. We could all improve ourselves and become better partners. But cheating is something done unilaterally outside the relationship. 

I guarantee you your merits as a husband never had anything to do with her decision making. In fact...she wasn’t considering you at all.


----------



## stro

Yes you are equals in the marriage but there is one way you aren’t equals. You have never exchanged bodily fluids with another person. Sadly she has. You don’t have to toss her aside or treat her horribly but she needs to understand the concept of actual remorse. Doesn’t sound like she is there. If she doesn’t get there then you may be in for some rough times ahead.


----------



## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and* I believe she made a terrible mistake, *yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


One of the first things you learn is that it wasn't a mistake. It was a choice, made more than once, and deliberately.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Trickle truth

Gas lighting

cake eating

love bombing

sh*t testing

revision of history

ego kibbles

and of course...Weapon sex


All the "delightful" terms we all get to know so well when our worlds are turned upside down. The good news is that we are not alone here, and with a good sense of planning and action. We can get out of infidelity and into life again. Hope the best for OP.


----------



## BluesPower

Midlo2004 said:


> I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


If you still believe this, then you are a fool. And you are completely clueless. 
@Midlo2004, I feel so sorry for you. When you find out the extent of her cheating you will be horrified. 

I understand not WANTING TO BELIEVE IT. I understand that it is HARD TO BELIEVE IT. 

But after everyone, to a person said after you initial post, the she was lying to you. They said that you only new the tip of the ice berg. 

Good grief man, do you not have an ounce of self-respect as a man. Not one ounce? 

I bet you are a good husband, and a good father. You did nothing to deserve this in any way. 

This is 100% percent on her and it is going to be 100 times worse than you think that it is. 

Why are you ALLOWING this to happen to you now. 

Everyone was completely right, and you found out yesterday that we were and you still let her travel. 

Good god man, what is it going to take for you to wake up. 

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, and I don't know why you would, THEN YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND START DOING WHAT WE ARE TELLING YOU. 

Please, please wake up...


----------



## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> I agree that I believe she made a bad decision. I'm not and Haven't been completely clueless all these years. There was never any real reasons to be suspicious and there was nothing that she did that would've made me suspicious. I believe she told me because the guilt was getting to her


Well no. Your W told you because the "itch" in the privates was getting to her. Possible STD....


----------



## BluesPower

Midlo2004 said:


> A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:
> 
> 1. Location and position: This guy lives in a different state - he's over 650 miles away. He isn't her boss. Completely different team and a separate part of business (sales vs Technical), so he doesn't travel except a few times a year. She has seen him 3 times in the last year.
> 
> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter. They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.
> 
> 3. The time she confessed about - They are at the same conference as the first time he pursued her that I just stated above where she declined. After 3 days of the conference, the last night, they are at the bar, he comes up, and yes, they do it 4 times without protection. This was 1 Feb. She told me mid March. They haven't texted communicated since.
> 
> 4. She is moving into a new job (same company) in which she won't work with him at all. This was not because I told her to change jobs. This was on her own.
> 
> 5. She said there has been no other men. Only him. And no other times- and I have every reason to believe she is being honest.
> 
> A few thoughts: Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


OG, you have ever reason to believe NOTHING THAT SHE says. She has lied to you face incessantly. 

How in the world could you be so stupid. 

I am out, there is nothing that we can do to help you. 

God Bless you, because brother, you are going to need it.


----------



## bandit.45

Midlo2004 said:


> She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....


Okay. 

But all it took was interest, a willing partner and opportunity. A mixture of those three elements was all it took for your peerless wife to drop her panties for this particular man. 

You didn’t know this about her? What else do you not know?


----------



## Taxman

Midlo
Stop defending her, and give her a goddamned consequence for her actions or you will be back here is six months after she discovers that she can fu ck any dude and you will take her back and kiss her ass for it. Welcome to the wonderful world of being a cuckold. Look up that term because she made you into one. 

Now, do you want this? Bet not. So, take her to her parents, tell them that she fu cked another dude twice. Say that she will be living with them until you decide whether you want her or not. Now, as far as the job is concerned. Go to HR, have her lose the job and have to find something else to support herself. Yup, no financial support from you, as you are separated. Come on dude, she has no idea what she did. Make her understand. Oh, and dude that she slept with? He loses the damn job too. Make sure that HR understands that there are lawsuits coming from you.

Scorch the earth to get your wife back. Right now, she owns your ass. She will go out and fu ck other men at will unless you draw a line in the sand. Sir, take this from me, as I have been interviewing multiple divorces for many a year, and the only way back from this is consequence, not embracing them and forgiving immediately.


----------



## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....


And with apparently another dude after you. Twice according to your WW. Is once enough to realize your W is not who she claims to be or what you envision? 

It is not about being or not being a sexual queen and or how many...it is the lying, deception, poor choices, disrespect and basically not really caring as your W emphasized the OM size. 

Midlo2004, what is your next plan for your marriage?


----------



## Malaise

If she had had an epiphany after the first time it would be one thing.

But she went back for more.

Think about it.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

I think it's time to conclude that you have a semi-open marriage and that you're mostly okay with that. As long as she doesn't do it 4 times in one night or give the other man things that she didn't give you, you can accept her sleeping around a bit. Is that a fair assessment? Just as long as she doesn't lie--or at least can concoct some believable lies about the number of instances, etc.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.





You also said she is a good girl!! Well, maybe to others she is.

Yeah, you know her well, so well you had no idea she was cheating. In fact you know her so well you believed it was only the once four times in a night. Gotcha!!

You know her family, parents, brothers and sisters, did you tell them what she does at the conference? 

Your wife’s friend was there, OM hit on your wife and wanted sex again, did your wife’s friend know? Did she go so she wouldn’t have sex with him again? If friend didn’t go, would your wife had held OM’s firm...oh sorry, would your wife had held firm to saying no? 

Don’t throw her stuff on the curb, just the spare bedroom, marital bed is for those who don’t screw others, period.

My wife had a six month long affair with a coworker, not years and years. Further I didn’t treat my wife like **** but I did bring toxic issues to the marriage. However, different from you I don’t use that as the excuse for my wife to cheat. In fact, when I learned my wife was pregnant I did everything for her, lunch every single day, missed one doctor appointment, we had an appointment every week with ultrasound because she was high risk. I did all the housework, scheduled a vacation to Florida with her mom, I did everything. My wife had zero to do when pregnant as I didn’t want to risk the twins, she was high risk, had suffered a miscarriage, I did it all. What did I find out two and a half years later, the twins biological father is OM. I don’t view your wife as a terrible person, I view her as worse. Here’s why, your wife confessed out of guilt, no, she confessed because she thought she had an STD. She had a long affair and not a one night stand. She trickle truths which only hurts you more midlo. That’s why right now your wife is nothing but scum. How she responds to this is what will decide what kind of person she is.

A mistake!!! She simply made a mistake midlo, now I understand completely. Are you kidding???!!!! Midlo, a mistake is forgetting to take out the garbage, an addition or subtraction error in your checkbook, but having sex with someone, that’s a choice. A choice she approved of time and again. Oh, and you were not even a thought in her mind every time she had sex with him. 

Your right, don’t take every word for a lie, just do it every time her lips move. In fact I’ve lied to you more then your wife. Imagine that, some internet goof has told you more truths then your wife who took vows with you. Some internet idiot told you that this wasn’t her first time, and when you ask, she finally tells you what I said was truth. Funny, I probably have your best interest at heart then she does at this point in time. But you go ahead, you be nice, console her for her mistake. You tell her to have a good time at her conferences. Oh, by the way, how do you know a different OM will pursue her in her new position at conferences? Will she hold the new OM firm too?

Yeah, I’m being harsh, something I have always tried to hold back. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been very accurate with your wife. So go ahead and disregard my post as some flunky who treated his wife badly and she deserved her affair. Go ahead and think that I’m attacking you because of the pain and torment I went through. I do this (post) to try to help people, but you feel I’m just a bitter man who has no idea who your wife is. In fact I’ll bet your wife’s affair is unique from all the other affairs that have happened. I didn’t think my wife was capable of cheating, she is, and you find yourself in the same shoes now. I accepted my wife is capable of cheating, you can’t, that is why you have such trouble with it all. Because according to you, your wife made a mistake. 

Midlo, when you get serious and want your marriage to work, let me know. When you remove your head from your ass let us all know, we will help, but right now your biggest problem is the guy you see in the mirror.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo2004 said:


> She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....





And just as many men since she married, think hard about that.


----------



## Chaparral

Midlo2004 said:


> A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:
> 
> 1. Location and position: This guy lives in a different state - he's over 650 miles away. He isn't her boss. Completely different team and a separate part of business (sales vs Technical), so he doesn't travel except a few times a year. She has seen him 3 times in the last year.
> N
> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter. They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.
> 
> 3. The time she confessed about - They are at the same conference as the first time he pursued her that I just stated above where she declined. After 3 days of the conference, the last night, they are at the bar, he comes up, and yes, they do it 4 times without protection. This was 1 Feb. She told me mid March. They haven't texted communicated since.
> 
> 4. She is moving into a new job (same company) in which she won't work with him at all. This was not because I told her to change jobs. This was on her own.
> 
> 5. She said there has been no other men. Only him. And no other times- and I have every reason to believe she is being honest.
> 
> A few thoughts: Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


You’re grasping at straws. This is usually the go to plan of the betrayed. Believe nothing you can’t verify. The odds she is still lying is as close to 100% as you cane get!

Remember how she described going to the room with him as simply their mutual decision. That translates into what’s normal
for them. 

Even if she is telling the truth, which she ain’t, you have to keep
applying pressure. The most important step now is to convince her that you are strongly leaning toward divorce. However, do not tell her you ARE divorcing her unless you really mean it. Never say something you can be bluffed out of.

You now know how sexual she can be. She had sex with him more in one night than she has with you in a month. How has your sex life changed in the last three years? More and better? Less? This is important. Since discovering the affair, the normal reaction is for the two of you to go after each other like monkeys in heat. It’s called hysterical bonding. That you haven’t mentioned this, well, it’s a troubling sign.

Btw, you can’t even be sure who her AP is or where he lives. It would not be the first time a cheating spouse has lied about that.

If he is a director of his company it doesn’t matter if he is her direct boss or not. Don’t believe the twice number.

Since it’s a work affair, verifying what she says is almost impossible. You must make her take a poly.

If both of you work your asses off it will take you 3-5 years to get to a near normal state. Can you handle that?


----------



## drifting on

BluesPower said:


> If you still believe this, then you are a fool. And you are completely clueless.
> 
> @Midlo2004, I feel so sorry for you. When you find out the extent of her cheating you will be horrified.
> 
> I understand not WANTING TO BELIEVE IT. I understand that it is HARD TO BELIEVE IT.
> 
> But after everyone, to a person said after you initial post, the she was lying to you. They said that you only new the tip of the ice berg.
> 
> Good grief man, do you not have an ounce of self-respect as a man. Not one ounce?
> 
> I bet you are a good husband, and a good father. You did nothing to deserve this in any way.
> 
> This is 100% percent on her and it is going to be 100 times worse than you think that it is.
> 
> Why are you ALLOWING this to happen to you now.
> 
> Everyone was completely right, and you found out yesterday that we were and you still let her travel.
> 
> Good god man, what is it going to take for you to wake up.
> 
> IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, and I don't know why you would, THEN YOU NEED TO WAKE UP AND START DOING WHAT WE ARE TELLING YOU.
> 
> Please, please wake up...





Where’s the love this button!!!


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

Keep reading and responding, this is how you will learn. As said earlier, stop defending your wife, you will learn much quicker that way. What we are all telling you is what we have learned. The 2X4’s are harsh, some brutal, but you need this to shock yourself back to reality. 

For example, let’s just look at mistake, your wife made a choice, you know this, but you are having a hard time accepting it. So you keep saying it’s a mistake, yet people should learn from their mistakes. Your wife had plenty of time to realize between encounters to learn. She didn’t, she continued to make the same choice repeatedly. Tell your wife it was a choice, and that because of that choice you are searching for a lawyer to initiate divorce. This your choice, and just see what she says. 

By the way, have you informed her to come home now? Have you searched for a polygraph? If not, truly answer why without defending your wife or saying you know her.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

BTW....you stated that the OM is 650 miles away from you guys....So what.

There is a poster on here that has a WW that went from the US to New Zealand to get her affair fix.... Just sayin'


----------



## Chaparral

bandit.45 said:


> Unbelievable.
> 
> 
> Im just....I don’t know.
> 
> There is being laid back, and then there is being apathetic.
> 
> Midlo do you really love your wife? Or are you just with her out of habit, or because you think you have no other prospects?
> 
> And please don’t say its because of the kids.





Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


Okay, I will make this simple. Start reading other threads here. The longer ones. You will see two outcomes. The ones that follows the best advice and the ones that argue with us and say the exact things, nearly word for word, that you are saying to us. 

The guys that take the bull by the horns and ring it’s neck win. The ones that don’t believe us and believe the wayward wife, like you, lose 100% of the time. Go ahead, read the threads. Keep up fooling yourself and whether or not you come back here, you will
be one of the , “well, you guys were right!” bunch. At least you will be part of a huge crowd of deniers. Your denial is going to hurt you so bad and I am so sorry for it.

My own situation turned around when I finally told her she could date anyone she wanted to, the ultimate hall pass. That flipped her out. She came begging back and I took her back. I lasted two years. Nothing can undo what they did. You may be able to make it, but not till you take the bull by the horns. Text her to eff whoever she wants. And see what she says then.


----------



## Chaparral

Yeswecan said:


> Well no. Your W told you because the "itch" in the privates was getting to her. Possible STD....


Four times in one night. When sex goes on for that long people get sore. She developed an “itch” among some other symptoms she failed to mention. Some took a while to develop. The only guilt she felt was the logical conclusion she got from assuming he gave her something. Some STDs have to be retested for so you aren’t out of the woods yet. Most likely she got a yeast infection form his lack of hygiene, dirty fingers or just because he wore it out. 

She told you because she was convinced you were going to have to
be treated. Furthermore she took the chance knowing there are various STD epedimics going on now, some untreatable and some fatal.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Chaparral said:


> Okay, I will make this simple. Start reading other threads here. The longer ones. You will see two outcomes. The ones that follows the best advice and the ones that argue with us and say the exact things, nearly word for word, that you are saying to us.
> 
> The guys that take the bull by the horns and ring it’s neck win. The ones that don’t believe us and believe the wayward wife, like you, lose 100% of the time. Go ahead, read the threads. Keep up fooling yourself and whether or not you come back here, you will
> be one of the , “well you guys were right!” bunch. At least you will be part of a huge crowd of deniers. Your denial s going to hurt you so bad and I am so sorry for it.
> 
> My own situation turned around when I finally told her she could date anyone she wanted to, the ultimate hall pass. That flipped her out. She came begging back and I took her back. I lasted two years. Nothing can undo what they did. You may be able to make, but not till you take the bull by the horns. Text her to eff whoever she wants. And see what she says then.


The classic---> " Yes, Now we're swingers!" "This is gonna be so much fun.." "I always wanted to bang ____! She's hot!"


----------



## MyRevelation

Taxman said:


> Midlo
> Stop defending her, and give her a goddamned consequence for her actions or you will be back here is six months after she discovers that she can fu ck any dude and you will take her back and kiss her ass for it. *Welcome to the wonderful world of being a cuckold*. Look up that term because she made you into one.
> 
> Now, do you want this? Bet not. So, take her to her parents, tell them that she fu cked another dude twice. Say that she will be living with them until you decide whether you want her or not. Now, as far as the job is concerned. Go to HR, have her lose the job and have to find something else to support herself. Yup, no financial support from you, as you are separated. Come on dude, she has no idea what she did. Make her understand. Oh, and dude that she slept with? He loses the damn job too. Make sure that HR understands that there are lawsuits coming from you.
> 
> Scorch the earth to get your wife back. Right now, she owns your ass. She will go out and fu ck other men at will unless you draw a line in the sand. Sir, take this from me, as I have been interviewing multiple divorces for many a year, and the only way back from this is consequence, not embracing them and forgiving immediately.


I've been in a place for the past few days where I could read but not post, and if you'll recall many pages back the OP admitted that sexually, he found the thought of his WW with OM to be exciting.

While what you suggest above is what you, me and most of the men of TAM would do, it isn't what a cuckhold would do (see bolded above). OP is in this situation, which kind of excites him and he wants a HOTWIFE. Well, he has a wife that is HOT for others, but not him, so he's got half of the cuckhold/hotwife fantasy. He's the cuckhold, without a hotwife.

OP is where he is because he likes it there and he may be upset because he doesn't have the hotwife component, but not enough to make her stop or step up to the plate with him, so he'll just reside in passive cuckhold land.

Therefore, its time for me to move on, as this doesn't interest me in the least. However, I did want to get my thoughts on the subject out before "moving on".


----------



## Chaparral

BarbedFenceRider said:


> BTW....you stated that the OM is 650 miles away from you guys....So what.
> 
> There is a poster on here that has a WW that went from the US to New Zealand to get her affair fix.... Just sayin'


Cheaters the travel for a living have the ability to be in places they are not supposed to be in. Instead of being at point A and coming home, they go to point B for a stopover with their new sweety. They say they have to be gone for x days but really only needed y days for business and b days for trip to meet boyfriend.

See shamwow’s thread.


----------



## Pepe1970

Chaparral said:


> Four times in one night. When sex goes on for that long people get sore. She developed an “itch” among some other symptoms she failed to mention. Some took a while to develop. The only guilt she felt was the logical conclusion she got from assuming he gave her something. Some STDs have to be retested for so you aren’t out of the woods yet. Most likely she got a yeast infection form his lack of hygiene, dirty fingers or just because he wore it out.
> 
> She told you because she was convinced you were going to have to
> be treated. Furthermore she took the chance knowing there are various STD epedimic a going on now, some untreatable and some fatal.


Besides, let's assume "she was honest".,..................
It was her first time with someone else, she was really drunk to the point of not remembering the details. She was a sex-satisfied-good wife having a routinary once a week sex with the good hubby.
The fact of having sex 4 times in four hours, that already opened a door beyond satisfaction. I bet she didn't fake it at all.
Meaning, after tasting the greener grass on the other side and jumping back to the normal routine, that's boring for her and unexciting.
Pretty much like driving a 1980s standard Toyota Corolla after being driven a whole weekend in a limousine.
Please Milo, get the point.



Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## SentHereForAReason

Why does it always seem that advice from some go straight to the hotwife/cuckhold thing now? I know it may apply to some in this strange world we live in but going straight to that accusation doesn't really do any good I when we are trying to help someone. It's more than likely, he's just like me. Weak when it comes to spouse, in denial, Mr. Nice Guy.

The only fantasy I have about the other man in my situation is when the divorce is final by pure accident and luck, good on mine, bad on his ... we ironically find ourselves in the same physical location at the same time.


----------



## bethebetterman

Joining this one late but from what I can see the OP is still in denial. I think we have all been there and i suspect the bit he is struggling with is "throwing away" his marriage, his life, his happiness for what was "just" one off sex to his WW. He wants to believe his wife when she says it was just the once, or just the twice. Like I said we have all been there - some wake up quick and some don't.

What I will say is this 

His current marriage is over - this is true whether OP accepts it or not - it was over from the moment his WW cheated.
So getting the D underway is his only real choice at the moment whether he ultimately wants to R or not. If he tries to R without some consequences he will be back in the same boat and having been there myself there is a miserable existence ahead of him if there are no consequences for WW and she will likely do it again and again until he sees the light. If he truly wants to solve this there has to be a willingness to D and the WW has to see this - only then will she realise what she has to lose.

WW is showing absolutely no signs of remorse. Don't listen to her words - thats the mistake I made - she will tell you what she thinks will protect her from consequences. She will deflect, blame shift, deny, trickle truth. There is a cheaters script and this is how it works. You have to shock them out of their complacency to get the truth. Thats why D need to get underway. To R - which appears to be what OP wants at the moment - you have to get to the root of what happened and WW has to want this as much if not more than OP. So far she is doing nothing and it all points to her being not that concerned about the marriage. To be absolutely clear anytime you feel like you have to justify your questions, your suspicions your WW is definitely gaslighting you. The onus is on her to show you that she is truly remorseful and is prepared to do whatever it takes to save the marriage up to and including leaving her job, giving you a full timeline, full unrestricted access to her burner phone, hidden laptop (we all know she has them). So start the D and make it clear that the onus is on her if she wants to R to show you she means it. Actions not words. If someone shows you who they really are - believe them.

If its R you want then be prepared for more lies, trickle truthing and gaslighting until she gets the message that you are serious about D. To better help you know whether you can believe her or not stop talking to her for a couple of weeks, don't ask questions but put VAR's in cars, and other locations in the house to record what she says when you are not around. Get a PI to follow her on a business trip if possible. Don't confront her with the evidence directly. Wait until you have enough and then if she is starting to show signs of remorse or that she wants R ask her for information that you already have via the VAR's/PI. if she lies still I'd say you are done and you can go ahead with D.

Sadly all the indications are that she is a serial cheater and that she does not have any respect for you or her marriage - much less feel that its worth any effort on her part to fix what she has done.

Remember throughout all this that you are likely to find out that the woman you thought you married does not exist anymore. Also remember that its pointless wasting time on trying to make her into something she isnt or a version of herself that only exists in your head. She is what she is so find out who that really is and then decide if you want R or not.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## sa58

He invited himself to her room?
The did not talk or communicate after the 
first sexual encounter. The second time he
invited himself to her room and after sex 
they did not talk or communicate. That is 
what you posted. So a director can use your
wife as his own sex toy, when,where, and how 
ever he likes. YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS ? If this is true she not only does 
not respect you but has no respect for herself.
Ask her how she feels about being used and see
if she has any guilt or shame. NO she enjoyed it. 
When he came to her room she could have said NO!

She confessed because she thought she had an STD
She is risking your life and hers. Do you want your 
children to someday lose both parents. Plus she bragged
about the number of times and his thickness to your face.
Is she ashamed or feeling guilty about that?
REALLY no respect for you for sure.

And sometimes women who screw around on trips like this
because some men like to brag and rumors get a reputation.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Midlo2004 said:


> She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....


You missed the question being asked. According to you she confessed because she was guilty THIS time. What about the time before ? Why wasn't she guilty then ? She kept that hidden from you. Even when she told you about this time. You had to threaten contact with the POSOM for her to tell you about 1st time. You cannot be this blind and obtuse. 

According to what she has told you:

She ****s him 1st time. 
She keeps that hidden.
She feels no "guilt".

She ****s him again. 4 times in one night. 
She has reason to tell you (suspected STD's, somebody found out and might tell you etc etc). She tells you. She tells you that she told you because of guilt. Now she feels guilt?

You put some pressure on her and she tells you about the first time.


Extrapolating from this there were probably many of other times that she has not told you about (because she didn't need to!).

Wake up and smell the caca!


----------



## Beach123

You're so nice you are screwing yourself over.

You want to believe her lies so badly that you're sending her a message clearly that you do nothing when she cheats.

She's a good wife, eh? You believe those lies you're telling yourself.

A good wife doesn't look like this.


You go on - believe it all... you WILL have a lifetime of a bunch of crap to deal with. Your wife will keep cheating and cheating... mainly because your inaction is showing her that you don't respect yourself enough to do some things to change the power dynamic here.

She holds ALL the power because you aren't doing anything to make sure she knows she shouldn't do it again - that's why she's been doing it again - she doesn't respect you and you don't respect yourself!

Get some professional help - you need serious help if you're trying to justify what she's done as being a "good wife".

You DON'T know her!!!!!! You thought you DID - but you actually don't have a clue what she's capable of - get ready, it's ugly and will get uglier.

If you have kids get them DNA tested now!


----------



## MyRevelation

stillfightingforus said:


> Why does it always seem that advice from some go straight to the hotwife/cuckhold thing now? I know it may apply to some in this strange world we live in but going straight to that accusation doesn't really do any good I when we are trying to help someone. It's more than likely, he's just like me. Weak when it comes to spouse, in denial, Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> The only fantasy I have about the other man in my situation is when the divorce is final by pure accident and luck, good on mine, bad on his ... we ironically find ourselves in the same physical location at the same time.


I didn't "go straight to" anything ... I relayed his own words, although I didn't look up and quote his exact words, he admitted to getting excited about thinking about another man with his WW. What "doesn't really do any good" is trying to CHANGE the OP from who he really is ... if he gets excited by imagining his WW with OM, then I'm sorry, but that plants his flag squarely in Cuckholdland, by his own choice and he has no intention of taking a strong stand against that which excites him.


----------



## Chaparral

stillfightingforus said:


> Why does it always seem that advice from some go straight to the hotwife/cuckhold thing now? I know it may apply to some in this strange world we live in but going straight to that accusation doesn't really do any good I when we are trying to help someone. It's more than likely, he's just like me. Weak when it comes to spouse, in denial, Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> The only fantasy I have about the other man in my situation is when the divorce is final by pure accident and luck, good on mine, bad on his ... we ironically find ourselves in the same physical location at the same time.


The cuckhold thing has become a cliche here. What the posters are trying to do is get the OP out of sadness and denial mode and into the anger and fight for what is right mode. This OP has been in denial for quite awhile. He’s hoping against hope. I kinda think he is about to turn a corner. Nothing is harder to accept than dying and betrayal. OP, like most men would lay down their life to save his wife. Now she has left a set of knives in his back and he can’t reach them. Instead of coming clean, she thinks lying will hurt him the least. Instead, she just keeps stabbing him.


----------



## DjDjani

Hi Midlo. Did you read all these posts? Do you really think that all these people are wrong and you are right? Seriously? Nobody is that stupid. So, put your head out from your @ss and do the right thing. Tell her you will polygraph her, and if she is lying it's a divorce. Give her one last chance to confess everything. You will probably find out that she was in long time affair with OM and you will find out about others on her business trips. And then you decide what to do.


----------



## stillthinking

> I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister.* I know what kind of person she is* and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.



Ok, last try. You gonna demand a poly? Or just accept her stories because, as stated by you above, (and as i mentioned before) she is a unique snowflake?


----------



## Decorum

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, to be clear, she said that it was done after the night they did it 4 times. A week later at another big conference, he was there, but my wife's best friend was also in the area and staying in her hotel room like a mini girls trip (even though it was for work, but it was a free trip for my wife's best friend). So yes, he came onto her, but she again held tight and told him it was for sure done.


She "held tight"??????

What were the other options?

A three-some with her friend?

Have her friend wait in the bathroom while they had another marathon sex session?

Ask her best friend to hold the camera? 

"Held tight"??? 

Are you for real?

So I guess that's one point in the virtue column!

So do you think her best friend knows about her adultery?

Did she call her best friend and ask, "hey, my vagina has been itching for over a month, you know how I have been cheating on Mildo, is it possible I have an STD? Should I tell Mildo?"

I am curious, is it possible her best friend had something to do with her confession?


----------



## OutofRetirement

Your description in your original post in my opinion evidenced her having a cavalier attitude for sex. For first-time cheating, it would be very unusual the way you described what her reasoning and feelings were. Basically, she wanted too, she felt bad but not enough, it was great sex, no protection, and it was just about sex, no emotional aspect., no feelings other than sexual attraction. 

You described you as being shocked. 

You pushed her further and she admitted previous sex with him. 

With each further admission, you state your strong opinion that you believe her completely.

You know her, so you know she wouldn't lie. You know her and her family and upbringing and this is a one-time (oops two-time) mistake. The guy lives 650 miles away and only sees her 3 times. You don't think she will do it again because she said it wasn't worth it.

You leave absent the (to me) obvious questions:

1-you didn't think she would do it once ever, now it was twice and you think she wouldn't do it yet again - why should anyone think you are a good evaluator of what your wife will and will not do re: extramarital sexual relations? You have been wrong twice. 

2-other man only sees her three times a year (you think), why do you think she wouldn't do it again and not just tell you next time? She could feel bad and guilty but not tell you. 

3-why is it more likely she confessed out of guilt VS out of thinking she had an std and you would find out anyway? If she confessed out of guilt "completely" as you claimed originally, why didn't she just tell it all? And what does that tell you as a person who can tell if she is lying or not? 

4-if he is 650 miles away, and only sees her 3 times a year, why does it prelude her finding another man attractive and having sex with the new one? Was the guy she did have sex with so unique as dark as looks?

5-given that she confessed only after the unprotected sex and itchy and std test, why are you so sure she confessed die to guilt? 

6-basically, why do you believe a recent proven liar? 

I have read a lot here. I know the patterns of the individual posters. You can read here, too, and see if you think they are crackpots or not. You are not stupid, I'm sure enough that you will see the patterns. 

I personally have several possible explanations for your behavior in believing your wife's truthfulness and your wife's devotion to faithfulness. Denial. Fear of losing her, family, reputation. 

This is a general premise, not 100 percent of the time, but it is used in determining motivations and truthfulness: people generally act in such a way that they believe will benefit themselves. For example, I sacrifice for my family because I love them and providing them materially and spiritually benefits me, it makes me feel good about it. I go to a job that I am not happy with because it benefits me. 

Now, I do believe your wife is acting to benefit herself. She has omitted significant lies that later came to light.

She broke her sacred marriage vows because she was horny. 

I am not opining on her current veracity. I am questioning why a sane person would be so sure that she now is completely truthful?


----------



## Beach123

All the info you've received is from someone who keeps her truth from you.

Set up a polygraph. You have no idea what else she hides from you. 

Seeing her as a good wife and a good gal isn't reality. Ask her point blank in a poly how many times and with how many men over the years. 

The delusions are clouding your judgement - mainly because you want to believe it to be true so badly that you've convinced yourself she isn't that bad.

But her behavior shows evidence she will do things you never thought possible.

Write out on paper what she has admitted to. Write out what she originally lied about.

Write out clearly what she may have omitted (lying by omission is still lying). 


She's not as good as you would like to think.


Let's get some facts on paper and see how reality looks then.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Chaparral said:


> The cuckhold thing has become a cliche here. What the posters are trying to do is get the OP out of sadness and denial mode and into the anger and fight for what is right mode. This OP has been in denial for quite awhile. He’s hoping against hope. I kinda think he is about to turn a corner. Nothing is harder to accept than dying and betrayal. OP, like most men would lay down their life to save his wife. Now she has left a set of knives in his back and he can’t reach them. Instead of coming clean, she thinks lying will hurt him the least. Instead, she just keeps stabbing him.


I can see that, makes sense!


----------



## TRy

Midlo2004 said:


> Hi, 4 weeks ago my wife told me that she screwed up and had sex with a co worker 1 month earlier. She was very sorry and remorseful and I truly believe her.





Midlo2004 said:


> She never has before





Midlo2004 said:


> We have never watched porn or cheated on one another. She explained to me that she was buzzed, but was totally coherrent, but it was just a one off


THREAD TITLE - "Wife of 14 years confesses to one night stand"
@Midlo2004:Above are 3 quotes from your first post as well as the title of this thread. By you going against your inclination to "truly believe her", and by you pushing her for more, you have now learned that there was at least one other night that she had sex with him (multiple times), and that the 3 quotes above from your first post, as well as the title to this thread, were all lies. Why on earth would you even think to stop pushing for more information when you were so wrong before in believing her, and we were so right in telling you that she was lying?


----------



## Edmund

Good luck OP.


----------



## TDSC60

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. *I know what kind of person she is* and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. *My wife and I are equals. * I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


If you KNOW what kind of person she is, then her cheating should not be a surprise to you. What you need to understand is that people change over time. I am sure that your beautiful bride when first married would not have done this to you, but obviously, your current wife did. No matter how much you deny, no matter how much you say "good girl", no matter how much you try to sanitize this, the facts speak for themselves. She is not the same woman. She has changed.

For her to tell you that the other time they had sex does not matter shows she does not have any respect for you or your marriage. So basically she got it out of her system and now wants you to go back and play the husband. What happens the next time she get the itch to cheat. After all, she says she did it willingly, even enthusiastically, and does not know why. "I don't know" is not acceptable and a huge impediment to successful R.

If you are truly equals. What would be her reaction to you having an affair?

Good luck to you.


----------



## TRy

stillfightingforus said:


> Why does it always seem that advice from some go straight to the hotwife/cuckhold thing now? I know it may apply to some in this strange world we live in but going straight to that accusation doesn't really do any good I when we are trying to help someone. It's more than likely, he's just like me. Weak when it comes to spouse, in denial, Mr. Nice Guy.


 A person does not have to be into the "hotwife" lifestyle in order to be a "cuckhold". Many cuckholds do not want to be cuckholds, but become one against their will by sticking their heads in the sand because they are too weak to walk away, and their spouse knows it. I believe that this could become the case here if the OP continues with the path that he is on.


----------



## thatdog

All this "hotwife" stuff is a total misread of the OP's statement.

What he said was, and I am paraphrasing, that he pretended he thought it was hot so she would open up to him.

With that said, OP: Your wife is LYING HER ASS OFF and is a serial cheater.


----------



## Windwalker

Midlo2004 said:


> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter.





Midlo2004 said:


> Tex X said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're not equals - she owns your a** and she knows it. You have no idea who this woman is or what she is capable of. She has lied to you, cheated on you multiple times, and is now trickle truthing you. How you can trust this woman right now is beyond me. And you really think that all of the people on this forum who have been cheated on deserved it because they treated their spouse like crap? Who the F do you think you are? Jesus - good luck being a doormat the rest of your life.[/QUOTE
> 
> Bee sting......ouch.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> #1. I must be different because any time another man puts his **** in my wife, it ****ing matters!
> 
> #2. Bee sting..... Ouch, huh? That STD she eventually gives you will be more than an ouch.
> 
> Unreal.
Click to expand...


----------



## OutofRetirement

You were happy enough not knowing the truth. My observation is about 10 percent of women and 1 percent of men would prefer not to know. Are you one of those people?

The story you have given does not make sense. There are thousands of threads here and the stories are very similar. A 3-year emotional only affair is different than a true one-night stand, but even among disparate types of cheating, there are many similarities. Cheating is a firm of wrongdoing, it is a human behavior, and it is fairly predictable.

The descriptions of your wife's words and actions don't match up to behavior in other one-night stand behaviors, and does not match up to "remorse" actions and behaviors.

She is complacent. She is not sympathetic. 

You say "she cheated but I'm doing all the work." This is the opposite of remorse. She wants to forget. This is the opposite of remorse.

The problem I see is that you think her story makes sense and adds up to remorse.

The truth to me is that you are missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle. When all of the pieces are discovered, it will all make sense. To me, and likely others.

You? I think you have some kind of mental block to protect yourself from the implications of her actions and even her words for your life. I think you have built your happiness on her and your marriage and your kids and your future dreams that perhaps you are both (1) biased to her based on your perceptions of your long past together and (2) your hopeful wishing that though it was bad, not too bad., and now in recovery.

I am suggesting that you are not in recovery yet. I am suggesting that she has developed a vice, a bad habit, and she has not quit it yet. I agree you know her history of her having integrity, but something has happened about her sexual it recently, or she acted on it recently (past 2 years). Frequently I think people are not open to past sexual behaviors and personally I have been shocked by people I knew for a long time and never would suspect about their sexual past - whether that be childhood sex abuse, rape, promiscuity, etc. Sex is not usually an open issue even among family members or even spouses.


----------



## Beach123

I wonder how many other times she assumed it didn't matter!

Believe me IT matters! Yet that's how much she disrespects you and the marriage.


----------



## Vulcan2013

I can see the weakness, but I don't get that much of a **** vibe. I think OP is trying to understand why she was apparently really sexual with her AP, and not ever with him. I'd recommend the Married Man Sex Life Primer (see amazon) for an understanding of the more primal drivers of female attraction. 

OP, if you read a lot of threads here, you learn some things. First, a newly betrayed spouse almost always panics and tries to fix things. You said you felt like you were kissing her ass, when she is the one who cheated. That is that panic, the "pick me dance" that we want you to get past. This is also why you want to believe her, even though she is a liar.

Second, many betrayed, especially men, really can't come to terms with having been weak on DDay and after. Every lie, every trickle truth, etc. that you didn't blow up on, can bother you for years. 

Trickle truth is an obvious reflex for shady people - confess to what they definitely know about, and only that. Or "confess" to a set of facts that make them seem better, and won't have the consequences they want to avoid. 

You will need to become a "hard ass" whether you R or D. Look into the 180, and begin to detach. Challenge your WW - what is she doing to fix things? Specific - has she read books on recovering from infidelity? Has she sought IC? Or is she just waiting for you to "get over it"? If the last is the case, she is a much worse cheater than you think. 

What is your relative attractiveness for each of you? Think the cheesy 1-10 scale for both of you. Do you think you could find another W if you wanted? Right now, the cheater part of her brain thinks you are weak because: you are accepting this, you have told her it is "hot" (bad mistake, even if you were trying to make it OK for her to talk), and even because you didn't catch her. That sense of weakness kills her attraction to you.

Another source of weakness - what demands have you made of her? 

Also, our society is weird about female sexuality. The whole good girl/bad girl dichotomy. She likely had more experience than you think, for instance, because they typically don't count ONS or other short-term flings as included in the body count. (Lest you think I'm sexist, men exaggerate the other way). The worst aspect can be women who tightly control and limit sex with their husbands, but give it all to an alpha bad boy. 

Google the "cheaters script" and you'll see where a lot of this comes from. And the BS almost always thinks they know it all.


----------



## skerzoid

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, to be clear, she said that it was done after the night they did it 4 times. A week later at another big conference, he was there, but my wife's best friend was also in the area and staying in her hotel room like a mini girls trip (even though it was for work, but it was a free trip for my wife's best friend). So yes, he came onto her, but she again held tight and told him it was for sure done.


*Dude, she had a chaperone this time. "No" is easy to say when you have a set of eyes watching you.*

I'm going to repost an earlier post I made and ask you, *"Did you do even one of these things to get yourself out of infidelity"? * 


*Repost:*

You say you don't want to go for the jugular because you want to save your marriage. She has already admitted to cutting your throat twice that you know of.

As they all say, "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it." You have to totally get her attention and make her believe this. So....

1. *Visit with a lawyer.* If you really want to get her attention then file and have her served at work. You can stop the process if she becomes remorseful to your satisfaction. 

2. *Timeline.* Demand this! She writes down everything. It will be checked by polygraph. Non-negotiable. Divorce otherwise.

3.* Polygraph. *The US Government uses them. Non negotiable.

4. *No sex* till this is settled to your satisfaction. If you have sex with your wayward wife, the court will consider that forgiveness. Non-negotiable.

5. *Inform Human Resources.* Do this if you believe there will be further contact. Play hardball here. She has to believe that you would do this. Wipe the grin off of her face as she thinks about his thickness.

6. *Expose to your families.* Non-negotiable.

7. *DNA Test your children* even if you are sure they are biologically yours. Let her know you are doing this. You are setting a tone here. Non-negotiable.

8. *180.* Hard. Be civil. But she is not a friend now. Deal with her as you would a stranger. That is what you are dealing with. A doppelgänger.

9. *No-Contact letter* edited by you and sent to OM. Non-negotiable.

10. Stay calm in all discussions with her. *Have a written agenda* including:
a.) your questions.
b). your demands.
c). what actions will she take on her own?

10. Under no circumstances, *beg, try to change her mind, or try to reason with her. NEVER DO THE "PICK ME" DANCE. *It never works. It only makes you look weak and loses her respect for you. 

11. So far you have damaged your cause by making yourself appear weak, "reasonable", and afraid to lose your marriage. Women respect Strength, Courage, & Decisiveness. *Be Strong! Be Courageous! Be Decisive!* Good Luck!


----------



## Midlo2004

OutofRetirement said:


> You were happy enough not knowing the truth. My observation is about 10 percent of women and 1 percent of men would prefer not to know. Are you one of those people?
> 
> The story you have given does not make sense. There are thousands of threads here and the stories are very similar. A 3-year emotional only affair is different than a true one-night stand, but even among disparate types of cheating, there are many similarities. Cheating is a firm of wrongdoing, it is a human behavior, and it is fairly predictable.
> 
> The descriptions of your wife's words and actions don't match up to behavior in other one-night stand behaviors, and does not match up to "remorse" actions and behaviors.
> 
> She is complacent. She is not sympathetic.
> 
> You say "she cheated but I'm doing all the work." This is the opposite of remorse. She wants to forget. This is the opposite of remorse.
> 
> The problem I see is that you think her story makes sense and adds up to remorse.
> 
> The truth to me is that you are missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle. When all of the pieces are discovered, it will all make sense. To me, and likely others.
> 
> You? I think you have some kind of mental block to protect yourself from the implications of her actions and even her words for your life. I think you have built your happiness on her and your marriage and your kids and your future dreams that perhaps you are both (1) biased to her based on your perceptions of your long past together and (2) your hopeful wishing that though it was bad, not too bad., and now in recovery.
> 
> I am suggesting that you are not in recovery yet. I am suggesting that she has developed a vice, a bad habit, and she has not quit it yet. I agree you know her history of her having integrity, but something has happened about her sexual it recently, or she acted on it recently (past 2 years). Frequently I think people are not open to past sexual behaviors and personally I have been shocked by people I knew for a long time and never would suspect about their sexual past - whether that be childhood sex abuse, rape, promiscuity, etc. Sex is not usually an open issue even among family members or even spouses.


This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


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## Beach123

Why don't you map out YOUR plan to make this work. We need to fully understand what your plan is and how you expect to move forward in this marriage?


----------



## BluesPower

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


Well this is better. Butttttt.... Nope, there is no way for her to get out of the poly. 

Let her confess, record it on the phone so you can remember it later and refer to later. 

BUT MAKE HER TAKE THE POLY. That will tell you everything you need to know. It will tell you if she is still lying, it will tell you if she is being truthful. If she refuses, file for divorce and kick her out of your bed room.


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## badmemory

Midlo2004 said:


> I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


No Midlo. If you are insisting she take a poly, she takes the poly, even if she confesses something else. If she knows she can make something up to avoid the poly, that's exactly what she'll do.

At the very least, even if you decide not to go through with the poly; do it at the last possible minute. Do not ever tell her there is a way for her to avoid it.


----------



## thatdog

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


All that is good, but DON'T GIVE HER AN OUT. 

Then she will just lie. 

Let her come to the "parking lot" confession herself. 

I know you are trying, but THINK.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

badmemory said:


> No Midlo. If you are insisting she take a poly, she takes the poly, even if she confesses something else. If she knows she can make something up to avoid the poly, that's exactly what she'll do.


This but .... to be honest if she confesses to another time or about someone else then that pretty much seals the deal on what he has to do anyway. Any more than whatever else he could find out would be almost superfluous. 

Midlo, please be prepared for a fight with psychological warfare that you've never seen before. She is going to make you think you are crazy for doing this, she is going to blame you for things and she is gong to turn this into a storm of you doubting yourself once she finds out where you are at and what for.

Regardless of what happens, she cannot have a job that allows for travel!


----------



## Yeswecan

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


Midlo2004, good for you!


----------



## badmemory

stillfightingforus said:


> to be honest if she confesses to another time or about someone else then that pretty much seals the deal on what he has to do anyway. Any more than whatever else he could find out would be almost superfluous.


I don't think the difference between trickle truth/lies and the complete truth is superfluous. Nor would I assume at this point, that anything would "seal the deal" for Midlo.


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## SentHereForAReason

badmemory said:


> I don't think the difference between trickle truth/lies and the complete truth is superfluous. Nor would I assume at this point, that anything would "seal the deal" for Midlo.


Yeah, he might need all he can get for the PUSH to take effect. I'm just thinking if she admitted to even one more time with this low life or a time with someone else, than hopefully that would be enough to push and make him realize who she is now ... sadly but true


----------



## boonDoggle

This is a tough one. It’s difficult parsing advising from many responses because you can taste the venom. I’m going to offer you different perspective. I find myself relating to this.

After reading your posts, to summarize (and personally, I think this is how it is):


She has no remorse in the sense that she got to experience another man, because she feels like she needed that sexual outlet.
She’s obviously hiding her real feelings; she may be conflicted about her love for you and desire for the marriage to remain intact. She may not be attracted to you at all.
She felt the need to tell you what happened, but wants to suppress it to avoid stress and conflict.
It is up in the air whether or not she will do it again; you can’t know because you were oblivious twice before.
You don’t know your wife like you are wanting to believe.
Tread lightly.

Let me offer you some some insight into the thinking behind infidelity.

Many years back, I cheated on my first wife twice. The first time with during travel with a girl from the destination area. There was no formal sex, but hands went places, mouths went places. Nothing was finished, per se, but cheating it was. I felt pretty guilty… spoke to the other woman for about a month via back channels and dropped her cold after I became convicted of how wrong I was. 

My ex-wife didnt find out on her own. I told her the truth… admitted most everything (i saved the light physical touching for the trickle, but it never came out). She didn’t believe that physically it stopped before sex; same with verbal contact. I had to endure the mistrust, rightfully so.

But the truth always was: I wanted it and I wanted it bad. I wanted the variety and to experience sex with a woman that was more attractive than my wife. I had married young. Curiosity got the best of me. Despite the guilt, I never truly felt regret.

In fact, I did it again later with someone else. But this time I didn’t stop myself out of guilt or duty and I plowed that 2nd other woman. A lot. I got divorced. If I could do it over again, I would divorce w/o hesitation and then go nuts in the market.

Perhaps your wife had the same early motivations that I did. It could be the truth. Especially since she has gone so far as to say “four times, yo”. That’s some explicit gut punching. Most spouses won’t come that clean.

Maybe you get lucky and it won’t happen again. She got it out of her system. Not all marriages have to go straight to divorce. Scorched earth is not always the best solution. Or maybe she’s just not admitting to herself that she doesn’t want you anymore.

Also - I don’t think I’ve seen anyone suggest as a possibility that your wife came clean out of fear the other man (who might actually be married) got outed on his end and his wife threatened to contact you, thus wanting to beat her to the punch and frame it a particular way she could control.

If the other man IS married… well, its likely your marriage is totally hosed w/o demonstrable effort on her part.

We don't know you or your wife, so you will make the right decision or you will feel pretty stupid. Take wise steps to be precautionary and discern the situation... good luck.


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## BluesPower

stillfightingforus said:


> Yeah, he might need all he can get for the PUSH to take effect. I'm just thinking if she admitted to even one more time with this low life or a time with someone else, than hopefully that would be enough to push and make him realize who she is now ... sadly but true


Not to be insensitive, but... I am taking over on more than one guy and more times with latest POSOM. 

I am going to say over 3 on total number of guys. And, way over 6 or more times with POSOM. 

How many takers?


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## boonDoggle

Also, I'm not a fan of forcing a spouse to quit a job if they are not in direct contact with the AP frequently. They should offer to leave that job on their own.

Force isn't going to change that person's behavior or heart, which is what you are really after.


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## Townes

Is there anything she could say that would be a deal breaker for you? Or do you feel like if you got the whole truth, regardless of how bad, you could move forward with her?


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## SentHereForAReason

BluesPower said:


> Not to be insensitive, but... I am taking over on more than one guy and more times with latest POSOM.
> 
> I am going to say over 3 on total number of guys. And, way over 6 or more times with POSOM.
> 
> How many takers?


I get the feeling it's probably more times with the douche in question and no other physical affairs with anyone else but EAs maybe.


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## SentHereForAReason

boonDoggle said:


> Also, I'm not a fan of forcing a spouse to quit a job if they are not in direct contact with the AP frequently. They should offer to leave that job on their own.
> 
> Force isn't going to change that person's behavior or heart, which is what you are really after.


Part 1 of this statement, is that I think the issue is because of the situation and poor boundaries that we already know about that it's not even so much the AP anymore but anyone else she decides to sink her teeth into.

Part 2 is a very good point and could make #1 moot but still necessary if the marriage were to be 'revived'.


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## boonDoggle

@stillfightingfocus

Indeed, boundaries are the issue at the onset. But the cheating spouse has to want new boundaries, otherwise you remain in a mode of distrust.

So for the OP here, I think that is what he should be looking for. But she may compartmentalize and insist no contact will occur.


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## Decorum

No! No! No!

You cannot be this dense.

You don't take her to the poly and tell her that (basically) unless she tells you a line of crap in such a way that you really, really, really believe it, she will have to take the polly.

No!

You take her to the polly, tell her (and really mean it) that the only way to save the marriage is to take the polly.

Then you tell her anything she admits to in the parking lot you will view differently, than anything that comes out on the polly.

Don't tell her until you are there, you got that right :smthumbup:

Btw make it clear that refusing to answer, ANY QUESTION, on the polly is refusing to take the polly and dooms the relationship.

The men who take decisive action in these situations do the best, you have gotten the most info when she believed you were on the edge of taking action, i.e.contacting the OM.

That edge only exists when you have a plan, and you are about to implement it.

You have to be willing to follow through for her to respect you. Something that has been in short supply from her side for some time.

She swept it under the rug with the truth.

Actions not words!


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## seadoug105

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if *the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.*



There is no "not taking it" because she will only tell you enough to make you take it off the table.


Skerzoid is 100% accurate.. the only thing that stopped her was her chaperone... that's kinda funny if you think about it.... it's more important to her what her friend thinks than what her husband thinks...

Besides.... look at her story it happens once then, some time later it happens repeatedly... then they "decide" it's best to stop... total bull sheet! It would be far more believable if the 4 times in one night happened the first time and the second time was a "slip up" (yeah...ok)... 

but that's not what happened... more likely it happened like this... she is use to getting some _strange_ on the road, so when this cute coworker she has been flirting with was in the same hotel she put things in motion to be close to him and let things happen... and happen they did... only she found out service boy was packin' some heat ("thick")! So that when she found her next chance to be with him she made sure she got multiple rounds with him... only since there meet ups are at HQ for more formal events both being gone all evening and both being tire the next day probably drew attention, especially since they were probably both a little flirty at the bar before... then someone or more asked a few too many questions that hit close to home and she got scared and told you...

If this dude didn't have what he's packing she wouldn't risk it again... she would just go back to screwing random strangers from the hotel bar or her hook-up sites ... there is less chance of getting caught...

Make no mistake.... her. Night where they had sex 4 times was *PLANNED!!!*. Make sure you ask that in your polygraph!!! I will garauntee that if it was planned she *IS A SERIAL CHEATER*, and I would suggest a complete panel of STD tests for yourself quarterly for the next year.


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## Evinrude58

Personally I think "contacting" the OM is the wimpiest move ever, but if my cheating wife didn't like the sound of me doing it, I'd break my arm trying to talk to him. There's obviously some info that she thinks the OM would give up that would be damning. I think it's probably a gimme to say that the OM would say I boned her x times, and so has Bill, BOb, and Harry at work as well. He will probably say sorry man, I thought you knew your wife was the flavor of the month at work....

This woman's attitude that she banged the guy the first time and didn't think it was a "big deal", so she didn't tell the OP----- that pretty much says it all.
I think to describe her as a serial cheater is an understatement.

She met the guy 3 times and screwed him 2 out of 3, the third only because her friend was there and the "friend" might actually be a decent person that she didn't want to know how much of a louse she was.

This person seems like a woman who would jump at the chance to screw any man she was attracted to that gave her the time of day.

For OP to claim she's a good person and he knows her........... not much can be said about that.

OP, you have a very steep learning curve about cheating women ahead of you. But sadly, you're going to learn about it one way or another. You really should divorce this woman and accept her for what she is--- a person who likes sex with men other than her husband and gives in to those desires easily. It's not you OP, it's her. You can't changer her. She doesn't want to change. But you CAN get out of the relationship and move forward with your life, if having a faithful wife is of importance to you.
There's truly no changing the spots on this leopard, methinks.


----------



## stillthinking

You are so confident in her character. Let her prove it to you. 

You have your opinions on who you wife is and what she has done.

Others here have their opinions. 

But only she knows the truth. And it can all be put to rest with a few simple questions.

One being.....Have you had any inappropriate and or sexual contact (the poly examiner will clarify the definitions before asking) with anyone besides this guy?

If she truly is who you say she is, then she will pass with flying colors. 

And you can come back here a yell it from the mountain top, “See, I told you she was not like the others. She really is one of a kind!”

Unless you don’t really what the whole story. If you just want to focus on how many orgasms she had during her all night sex fest so be it. Ignore the elephant and rugsweep away.


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## Lifeisgood777

Don’t be naive and think it won’t happen again. She enjoyed the attention and the newness of it all and if that situation presents itself again, she will indeed cheat. Being buzzed doesn’t cloud your moral judgement. There is something lacking at home that fueled her desire to cheat on you. If you guys want to get past this, she needs to find another job that does not require her to travel and you need to communicate better and make sure you are taking care of her emotionally and physically.


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## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


Hi Mid, 

Great to hear you are going to do poly. Very good move.

I would revise the plan to make her think she will take poly to confirm that she's told you everything, NOT that she can get out of it if she tells all. There is to be no mention of her getting out of taking poly.

Make sure you have at least 30 mins in the parking lot before the poly.

Tell her that if she fails the poly, you are out and everything needs to be on the table now as in while you are sitting in the car.

You have to be real with the threat that you can't continue without the knowledge that she passed the poly.

I don't even care if you actually make her take it, just make her think she is taking it, and see what comes out of her.

Have a list of questions ready (yes or no questions).

If she divulges new info in the parking lot, actually when she divulges new info, you can always say you need to revise the question list so you are postponing the actual test.


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## Beach123

Get a solid plan for AFTER that poly!

You have to get PROACTIVE man - instead of reactive... reacting to her not giving info isn't enough to save this marriage.

You start making things happen! You start forcing info to be revealed. You start getting to her half truths. 

YOU start building your life whether she gets honest or not.


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## Tatsuhiko

Do not give her a chance to get out of the polygraph. She will just tell you that you already know everything. She may even offer to swear on the lives of her parents. If she does that, she'll join the hundreds of other WWs here on TAM, who swore on their children's lives, or on a Bible, or made some other type of solemn oath. And for all those women that made that solemn oath, each of them were proven later to be liars.


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## stro

Why not just make her take the Poly no matter what? What can she say to make you absolutely believe her where she would not need to take it? 

Let’s say 46 days ago you ask her if she is or has cheated on you and she looks at you and says “absolutely not!”. You would have believed her right? Then after she confessed to the 4 times episode you believed her when she said it was a one off thing. Never happened before. She was lying to you. She lied to you for 45 more days. You realized that when you put appropriate pressure in the right place and she confessed to more cheating. 

There still are more lies/secrets to he unearthed. She may reveal a FEW of those if it keeps her out of the Poly. But not all. Don’t give her an out. Insist on the poly. She isnt truely remorseful. That’s a MASSIVE red flag. Your marriage is in more trouble than you realize. Your wife created a chasm between you and her when she betrayed you. She now must do most of the work to bridge that gap. Make sure she does it. Don’t let her off easy. It’s the only way to save your marriage.


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## [email protected]

Midlo, I'm really, really sorry to say this, but it looks like you marriage is toast. Your WW will sweet talk you and cry a lot. And it's really easy to resist a weeping women. But, do your 180, and listen to your advisors here.
Most have been through it, one way or another. Last, get a lawyer right now.


----------



## just got it 55

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


Okay Midlo here is my Update for you

Separate finances

See a Lawyer

Full 180

Clear & Present Detachment

Be the best man and father you can be

55


----------



## Wolfman1968

Midlo2004 said:


> A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:
> 
> 
> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said *she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter.* They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.



OK, right there ought to tell you everything. "Because it didn't really matter". Since WHEN does sex outside of the marriage NOT MATTER??

In what kind of mindset does this make sense?

You should focus on this statement. It means that she separates sex and commitment. 

There is a subset of people who feel they don't "cheat" if they don't become emotionally involved. That it's "just sex". 

Is this the kind of person you want to have as a spouse? That your sexual intimacy doesn't mean anything--it's "just sex"?
THAT'S why she doesn't TRULY feel remorse. 
THAT'S why she doesn't TRULY understand the hurt that she has given you.

This would be a nonstarter for me. This would mean that there would be NO CHANCE of a relationship. I could not be with someone who had this attitude toward sex. 
Yes, there are couples that are fine with believing that sex is "just sex". Yes, there are polyamorous and swinging couples. Fine for them. I cannot live like that, and I cannot have a spouse like that. And I make no apologies for my stance either. 

So what is it to you, Midlo? "Just sex"? Maybe you really DON'T care that much if she steps out of the marriage, then, as long as she comes back to you. If you want to live like that, fine.
But if you DO think sex between the spouses is an an intimate expression of their love, and going outside the marriage shatters that, then you MUST take the hard path. No other choice. Otherwise you allow HER to bring "It doesn't really matter" to your marriage.


----------



## smi11ie

I might be a little old fashioned but you did get married and take vows. If the vows don’t mean anything, because they don’t “matter”, then why get married? It’s not just a big day out with a fancy dress. This casual attitude makes me believe that this is not her first affair. 

Ultimately, if you are happy with each other, and neither of you care too much about being faithful, then you could try an open marriage. It is not something I could do but to each their own.


----------



## Handy

* Midlo
but my wife's best friend was also in the area and staying in her hotel room like a mini girls trip (even though it was for work, but it was a free trip for my wife's best friend)*

Midlo, I am not against anything you decide to do regarding your W's affair. I lean towards R more than most other TAM people.

I read an affair forum and the wife having a woman friend go with her is a common ploy people in affairs use to throw the other spouse off the trail or to lessen suspicion. It is one of the top ten tricks in the affair play book. In several cases the girlfriend is in on the affair activities so asking the girlfriend what they did, when, and who they saw would have all been worked out before the trip happened.

Cover the girlfriend going with your W included on the poly questions.


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## Beach123

I bet she didn't have her best friend with her at all. I think it was a trip set up to see him again soon after that last meeting.

And I'd bet money she did have sex with him that trip...cheaters lie, ya know?


----------



## Beach123

Does your wife make more money than you?

Do you have kids?


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> She's been with one dude, prior to me. We married at 22, she's moved with me 5 times. She's not this sexual queen that desires tons of men....


Bull****. She sure did desire her coworker. What did she say, o ya “giggle he was thick”. “We ****ed twice but I didn’t O so I ****ed him twice more so I could get off. I was so damn horny for him”.

Ya that sounds so much like a good girl. Or maybe she be watching The Good Wife on tv.


----------



## kekkek

Wolfman1968 said:


> So what is it to you, Midlo? "Just sex"? Maybe you really DON'T care that much if she steps out of the marriage, then, as long as she comes back to you. If you want to live like that, fine.


I get the sense that Midlo doesn't care, which is why I think taking her up on the hall pass offer is going to be the best he can do in this situation. The reason that this thread has exploded with so many replies in just a couple of days is that it is rare to see a BS so clueless and indifferent about being betrayed.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Actually, to be clear, she said that it was done after the night they did it 4 times. A week later at another big conference, he was there, but my wife's best friend was also in the area and staying in her hotel room like a mini girls trip (even though it was for work, but it was a free trip for my wife's best friend). So yes, he came onto her, but she again held tight and told him it was for sure done.


And of course she never lied to you. >


----------



## kekkek

Midlo2004 said:


> So yes, he came onto her, but she again held tight and told him it was for sure done.


Maybe I have a dirty mind, but I keep seeing this line quoted. It is possible to read it in a way that suggests a third event with the OM. Just saying...


----------



## Beach123

I notice she kept going back to those meetings knowing full well her temptation was waiting for her there...just like this week. Why don't you go to her location now-immediately - and see if she's alone in her room?


----------



## Decorum

I actually think it's possible that as far as his wife is concerned, this was going to be the last time. Obviously Mr. Thickness did not want it to be the last time since he kept pushing for it the next time they met. I doubt there was any serious mutual agreement. He just placated her. Maybe even dropped a hint that it would be a shame if her husband found out (blackmail). This perhaps to CYA for his employment, and continue the affair.

She may have realized that this was going to overtake her marriage and she wanted to end it and distance herself from it, and with the danger of blackmail she decided it was best if Mildo heard it from her rather than him.

In the long run I don't think she would have been successful at saying no to him, she was likely having the best, most satisfying sex of her life. 

Who really wants to give that up? Who can say no when its offered? (Speaking from a cheater's perspective).

This may have been the reason they did it 4 times the last time. To hold them over, one last hurrah, make a memory.

This also may have been the reason her best friend had a "Vacation" with her the next time, that is, for moral support.

She is changing Jobs, wanting to travel less.

She just wants it to all go away, and be like before, but even she cant be like she was before, because cheating changes you.

Mildo, if you are truly going to have a Polly done, you might want to get some suggestions from the posters here on questions for the test. Your batting average is pretty low. 

But with all that, I think you are a really decent guy, and a very good partner for someone who can appreciate you. You just need to take the lead a bit more, and not sacrifice yourself for someone else to the extent you have, and stand up for yourself. It's up to you to always have a plan, be confident, be a good listener, and be out in front of the direction you have agreed upon, and want to take. It's what men do, it's what women are attracted to.


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Yes, of course I love her. That's kind of why I'm working through this...
> 
> I guess I see it from a different perspective than many folks on here. I see her day to day and know who she is. I know her family, parents, brother and sister. I know what kind of person she is and I believe she made a terrible mistake, yes; however, I can forgive. I'm not going to through her stuff out on the side walk and act like she is the most horrible human being.
> 
> Maybe some of the comments on here from folks that were cheated on for years and years, are because they did treat their wives like utter ****. Maybe they put themselves on such a high and mighty pedestal, that the wives went looking elsewhere. My wife and I are equals. I don't expect her to bow at my feet and never expected that during our marriage.
> 
> I won't take EVERYTHING she says for a lie, like many of you suggests.


So you knew she could cheat on you?

You’re here claiming you know her so well and stuff. Then you of course knew she was capable of having sex with other men while married to you, right?

You know her so well, right.


----------



## ABHale

I’m still waiting for the translation of: the reward isn’t worth the risk. 


My translation: The reward of having mind blowing sex with Men on my business trips isn’t worth risking my reputation at home.


----------



## Decorum

ABHale said:


> I’m still waiting for the translation of: the reward isn’t worth the risk.
> 
> 
> My translation: The reward of having mind blowing sex with Men on my business trips isn’t worth risking my reputation at home.


Unfortunately the equation must be something close to that, perhaps including losing her marriage. Which is a thing, not necessary a person, nor even a relationship. Cheaters often see marriages, relationships, and sex, as commodities, as things that can be traded. You just have to make your best deal.

Biology has no inherent integrity, even for a "good" girl.


----------



## kekkek

ABHale said:


> I’m still waiting for the translation of: the reward isn’t worth the risk.
> 
> 
> My translation: The reward of having mind blowing sex with Men on my business trips isn’t worth risking my reputation at home.





kekkek said:


> It is obvious what this means. The OM has an STD. That is why WW was scared. She was relieved to find out that she didn't catch it from him those first four times. Although the *reward* was that he was "thick", she is not going to *risk* catching it again.


----------



## ABHale

Decorum said:


> Unfortunately the equation must be something close to that, perhaps including losing her marriage. Which is a thing, not necessary a person, nor even a relationship. Cheaters often see marriages, relationships, and sex, as commodities, as things that can be traded. You just have to make your best deal.
> 
> Biology has no inherent integrity, even for a "good" girl.


She knows he won’t leave. It doesn’t matter what she does he will stay.


----------



## ABHale

Back to using condoms.


----------



## Decorum

ABHale said:


> She knows he won’t leave. It doesn’t matter what she does he will stay.


Yeah, true that!


----------



## Steelman

kekkek said:


> I get the sense that Midlo doesn't care, which is why I think taking her up on the hall pass offer is going to be the best he can do in this situation. The reason that this thread has exploded with so many replies in just a couple of days is that it is rare to see a BS so clueless and indifferent about being betrayed.


The guy is totally clueless and doesn't seem as pissed as he should be. I'm not one of the ones saying he should get divorced, but to brush it under the rug will end up in him exploding down the road. It'll bug him forever, and they will end up getting divorced anyways.

But in watching this thread explode, I also see a lot of advice that really screams "this happened to me, my partner betrayed me, I got divorced, and you're going to get divorced too dang it and be miserable like me".


----------



## Chaparral

boonDoggle said:


> Also, I'm not a fan of forcing a spouse to quit a job if they are not in direct contact with the AP frequently. They should offer to leave that job on their own.
> 
> Force isn't going to change that person's behavior or heart, which is what you are really after.


Generally, the job isn’t the problem. The wayward spouse has to quit a job because any contact with the affair partner keeps the addiction alive. Drunks can’t hang out in bars.

This situation is even worse. Op is basically in a long distance relationship since she is gone half the time. There aren’t many things worse on a relationship than distance. She needs to live at home. She has already shown she believes to some extent that everybody cheats because of what she has seen on the road.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

I’m not sure how familiar you are with polygraph testing, so I’m going to explain what your true purpose is here. Many examiners will tell you that you get to ask roughly five questions, although when I had to take them far more then five were asked. Polygraphs are not one hundred percent accurate, this is why they are not used in court. Many will tell you that polygraphs are junk, not true, and then that person refers to not admissible in court. A polygraph is simply a tool, and like many other tools, only as good as the person using it. A very skilled examiner is the key to a polygraph, they get you the most accurate results possible. 

Questions for a polygraph are very important to you, they must be yes or no. You want your questions to be very clear cut, no gray areas in what you are asking. Unfortunately, you originally came here asking how she could have sex four times in one night with OM. This isn’t a yes or no question, nor can you phrase it to be yes or no and get the answer you seek. It is my opinion you disregard the four times in one night when having her take the polygraph. What I would ask is the following;
1) did you and OM have sex? If yes how many times?
2) since our wedding date (4/19/17) have you had sex with anyone besides midlo or OM? If yes, list their names.
3) do you love midlo and do you want to be married to him?
4) has you not thought you had an STD, would you have told midlo of your affair?
5) besides midlo, OM, and yourself, does anyone else know of the affair? If yes, list names.
6) are you in love with OM? If no, list the attraction to have sex.

A good examiner will get you these answers, right now you should be preparing yourself for the worst of all possible outcomes. Your wife is going to feel insulted that you have resulted to a polygraph. Imagine that, she doesn’t feel trusted that she hasn’t given you the full truth. You tell her, trust but verify. She has lied by omission for trying to deceive you that it was only one night, and more incredibly that the previous encounter didn’t matter. Would she feel this way had you cheated? Might want to ask her that.

Midlo, when you get to the polygraph location you tell her why you are there, and you be very firm. You tell her if this marriage is to have any chance you need the truth, and this is the only way for you to achieve that. If she fails the polygraph, has had sex with anyone other then midlo and OM the marriage is over. If she confessed to more before the polygraph, she WILL STILL TAKE THE POLYGRAPH TO VERIFY. No exceptions midlo, she takes the polygraph and fails, marriage over, she refuses to take the polygraph, marriage over, she passes the polygraph, and you will consider both reconciling or divorce. This is why I said you need to be prepared to lose the marriage to save the marriage. Those are the only choices.

I’ve taken polygraphs for employment reasons, and used correctly they are a great tool. Many though don’t share the same opinion and that’s fine, from my personal experience, they are used in a way that weeds out the good and bad. 

If you need anything or want to ask questions midlo, just pm me and I’ll help the best I can.


----------



## Chaparral

It’s a good idea to do the poly. You need to run this by us first. 

The best way to find a polygrapher is to find out who law enforcement in your area uses. There is a wide range of prices, number of questions and quality.

We would have warned you that even with further confessions or a parking lot confession to go through with the test no matter what. If they will try and beat the test they will lie in the parking lot. You have seen her lie over and over now. She’s good at isn’t she?

Download a divorce packet for your state. When she refuses to go to the poly, tell her the two of you can just go ahead and start the divorce process. You know what it means if she refuses the poly, right?


----------



## BluesPower

Steelman said:


> The guy is totally clueless and doesn't seem as pissed as he should be. I'm not one of the ones saying he should get divorced, but to brush it under the rug will end up in him exploding down the road. It'll bug him forever, and they will end up getting divorced anyways.
> 
> But in watching this thread explode, I also see a lot of advice that really screams "this happened to me, my partner betrayed me, I got divorced, and you're going to get divorced too dang it and be miserable like me".


Your post here shows that you don't understand what is going of with the vet posters. 

What we are saying, like we said from the very beginning of this guys post and a thousand others is this. 

1) She/he is lying. The initial "confession" is totally BS and gas lighting. 

2) This is what is going to happen, i.e., she is lying she has had sex before with this guy, which turned out as it almost always does, to be 100% correct. 

Now most vets but not all, do have a no tolerance policy about this stuff. A few manage to reconcile but it is few and far between. 

So, when we say all that stuff, we are desperately wanting to save people like OP the pain and anguish that we suffered. 

And I will tell you on this one: She has been sleeping around for a while. Her husband knows next to nothing and until the other day he did not ever understand what questions to ask. 

While he is learning he has a long long way to go with all of it. 

If he follows through with the Poly on Friday, yeah he is going to get an earful about what his wife has actually done.


----------



## Gabriel

Midlo2004 said:


> A few things after reading through all these posts that I need to clear up:
> 
> 1. Location and position: This guy lives in a different state - he's over 650 miles away. He isn't her boss. Completely different team and a separate part of business (sales vs Technical), so he doesn't travel except a few times a year. She has seen him 3 times in the last year.
> 
> 2. The "other time" - we talked an hour last night and she said she didn't tell me before about the other time because it didn't really matter. They don't talk or communicate regularly. And she told me that whole background. Basically he pursed her about a year ago at a conference. She actually declined when he wanted to come up to her bed room. Fast forward 6 months - she emails him about technical stuff, coming to find out, on a whim, they happen to be staying at the same hotel (They were at their companies corporate HQs - think fortune 100). They have dinner, good conversation, she only had 1 drink, conversation got a little sexual, basically he invites himself to her room again, she feels bad, but too much temptation, and they have sex twice, but used a condom. He stays in her room that night and that's it. They don't talk or communicate.
> 
> 3. The time she confessed about - They are at the same conference as the first time he pursued her that I just stated above where she declined. After 3 days of the conference, the last night, they are at the bar, he comes up, and yes, they do it 4 times without protection. This was 1 Feb. She told me mid March. They haven't texted communicated since.
> 
> 4. She is moving into a new job (same company) in which she won't work with him at all. This was not because I told her to change jobs. This was on her own.
> 
> 5. She said there has been no other men. Only him. And no other times- and I have every reason to believe she is being honest.
> 
> A few thoughts: Should I still continue to be a hard ass like I started yesterday and tell her that I know more to get her to confess more. I feel like though, if she hasn't, then I'm just pushing her to state something that's not true.


I do not understand how you can be so casual about her not using protection with him, 4 times, and then she comes home and has sex with you for over a month. I mean, how does this not scare you? No way I have sex with my wife in a situation like that until she shows me test results and I get tested myself. Is she on the pill? How do you know she isn't pregnant right now???

You really sound like you don't care so much about this, and you are going over the top to defend your wife who completely murdered your marriage being completely selfish and careless about you at all.

You are asking US if you need to be a hard ass? Are you kidding? You have given your wife ZERO consequences for this heinous crime against your marriage, except a polygraph. It's pathetic. What if she did tell you the truth so far? Does that fix everything and you are willing to let this go? If you do that you are pretty much just giving her permission to screw around on you all the time.

Demand she get tested - she should feel just a portion of the humiliation she has inflicted upon you. Let her sit there with a smock on, wondering if she has a disease.

Time to get pissed off and cold, buddy. Or you will have no self respect going forward and it will eat you alive.


----------



## Pepe1970

BluesPower said:


> Your post here shows that you don't understand what is going of with the vet posters.
> 
> What we are saying, like we said from the very beginning of this guys post and a thousand others is this.
> 
> 1) She/he is lying. The initial "confession" is totally BS and gas lighting.
> 
> 2) This is what is going to happen, i.e., she is lying she has had sex before with this guy, which turned out as it almost always does, to be 100% correct.
> 
> Now most vets but not all, do have a no tolerance policy about this stuff. A few manage to reconcile but it is few and far between.
> 
> So, when we say all that stuff, we are desperately wanting to save people like OP the pain and anguish that we suffered.
> 
> And I will tell you on this one: She has been sleeping around for a while. Her husband knows next to nothing and until the other day he did not ever understand what questions to ask.
> 
> While he is learning he has a long long way to go with all of it.
> 
> If he follows through with the Poly on Friday, yeah he is going to get an earful about what his wife has actually done.


MIDLO PLEASE¡!!!!!!!!!!!
you've got to let us know about the polygraph test. How it went.
Please man,
We all will be tuned for the news and I hope it goes out as you hope.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45

Gabriel said:


> I do not understand how you can be so casual about her not using protection with him, 4 times, and then she comes home and has sex with you for over a month. I mean, how does this not scare you? No way I have sex with my wife in a situation like that until she shows me test results and I get tested myself. Is she on the pill? How do you know she isn't pregnant right now???
> 
> You really sound like you don't care so much about this, and you are going over the top to defend your wife who completely murdered your marriage being completely selfish and careless about you at all.
> 
> You are asking US if you need to be a hard ass? Are you kidding? You have given your wife ZERO consequences for this heinous crime against your marriage, except a polygraph. It's pathetic. What if she did tell you the truth so far? Does that fix everything and you are willing to let this go? If you do that you are pretty much just giving her permission to screw around on you all the time.
> 
> Demand she get tested - she should feel just a portion of the humiliation she has inflicted upon you. Let her sit there with a smock on, wondering if she has a disease.
> 
> Time to get pissed off and cold, buddy. Or you will have no self respect going forward and it will eat you alive.


I too find the passivity very disturbing. But this is a trait I see more and more among the BHs coming to TAM.


----------



## drifting on

bandit.45 said:


> I too find the passivity very disturbing. But this is a trait I see more and more among the BHs coming to TAM.




During my time at TAM this is something I’ve kept my eye on, responses by the betrayed spouses. Originally I did this because I never once had a desire to kill myself, then it became a strong desire to kill myself for over a year. Never once had any psychological issues, not until infidelity. In therapy this was delved into quite deeply, thankfully, I no longer have that desire to die. What I have noticed is that this appears to be a generation issue. For instance, my grandfather was a very cruel man, had my grandma cheated on him I have no doubts whatsoever he would have killed her and OM. That’s just how he was, my grandma would have been lucky if he just divorced her. My grandfather spoke for his wife, almost unheard of in today’s world. 

So much has changed just in my grandparents lives that I see men being raised much differently to how we treat women. Women are now leading companies, speak for themselves, have opinions, something my grandfather never experienced. The world has changed, as have the roles of men and women, which has shown to me that men are more “soft” then before. Coming here for me was that I would try to be more vulnerable, something I have a very difficult time expressing. I may come across as either weak or strong, simply I’m just trying to be the best me I can.

Now in midlo’s case he is definitely in denial and shock. I’m not so sure he hasn’t fully processed what is coming straight at him, and it will be one hell of a crash. I do not see midlo as weak, I see midlo as very lost and untrusting, can’t blame him there. He is taking baby steps towards the right path, so he is listening and learning to what we are posting. Even though he has been hit with quite a few 2X4’s, he is slowly moving forward. Half my posts were harsh on him, myself forgetting how difficult it is to move through these unchartered waters. If his wife keeps moving the way she is doing, I see midlo giving her the boot down the road. As long as midlo moves forwards, gets himself healthy again, I believe he will be happy again. Obviously this takes time, but to his credit he has stayed here even after getting the 2X4’s and harsh words.


----------



## re16

drifting on said:


> I do not see midlo as weak, I see midlo as very lost and untrusting, can’t blame him there. He is taking baby steps towards the right path, so he is listening and learning to what we are posting. Even though he has been hit with quite a few 2X4’s, he is slowly moving forward. Half my posts were harsh on him, myself forgetting how difficult it is to move through these unchartered waters. If his wife keeps moving the way she is doing, I see midlo giving her the boot down the road. As long as midlo moves forwards, gets himself healthy again, I believe he will be happy again. Obviously this takes time, but to his credit he has stayed here even after getting the 2X4’s and harsh words.


I agree, its only been three days since he came here and he's starting to take action, and he's already realized that there is more going than his wife was telling him.

I hope he stays the course. His choice about what to do with regard to R or D, but at least he should find out the full extent of who we all know she is, so if it is R, it has a chance. When you realize you've been living a lie, possibly for a long time, its hard to process.

I just wish he'd answer all our questions.

Keep posting mid...


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> I too find the passivity very disturbing. But this is a trait I see more and more among the BHs coming to TAM.


Like I always say, passive men get cheated on. We all have heard the saying we show people how to treat us, but in some of these cases I think some of these guys invite it. When you have no regard for how the primary people in your life treats you, when you allow them to disrespect you then why would you expect anything different. It's a school yard bully type relationship. You need to stand up to a bully, these folks don't know how to. It's why the cheater picked them to marry them. It's like predator and pray or parasite and host. I assume many of these men didn't have a father figure also. Not sure if that is the case with OP but seems to be a case with a lot of them.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

sokillme said:


> Like I always say, passive men get cheated on. It's why the cheater picked them to marry them. It's like predator and pray or parasite and host. I assume many of these men didn't have a father figure also. Not sure if that is the case with OP but seems to be a case with a lot of them.


That's why it was so weird with me being like this. I had a strong influence from my dad and brother (6 years older) in life. Only thing I can think of on my passivity is that while my brother was outgoing, friends with everyone, lady's man, etc. My dad was a lady's man but very introverted, big issues with anxiety around other people, etc.


----------



## sokillme

stillfightingforus said:


> That's why it was so weird with me being like this. I had a strong influence from my dad and brother (6 years older) in life. Only thing I can think of on my passivity is that while my brother was outgoing, friends with everyone, lady's man, etc. My dad was a lady's man but very introverted, big issues with anxiety around other people, etc.


Are you on medication? Are you afraid to be angry? Have you been taught that anger is wrong? Have you been shamed?


----------



## Townes

sokillme said:


> Like I always say, passive men get cheated on. We all have heard the saying we show people how to treat us, but in some of these cases I think some of these guys invite it. When you have no regard for how the primary people in your life treats you, when you allow them to disrespect you then why would you expect anything different. It's a school yard bully type relationship. You need to stand up to a bully, these folks don't know how to. It's why the cheater picked them to marry them. It's like predator and pray or parasite and host. I assume many of these men didn't have a father figure also. Not sure if that is the case with OP but seems to be a case with a lot of them.


No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Midlo, this is a learning process. Hard lessons for sure.

The poly, and other things you may ask of her: I guess you get to learn how much she really cares about you. How truthful she really is. You are putting up with an awful lot to just take it. And you took it for about 45 days with not much effort from her.

I am wondering if she did anything at all to fix this mess since she confessed. You might think her confession was a big deal, showing her love. I think it more likely that she really believed she had contracted an SD and so she would have to tell you anyway. I think that because she didn't confess the first time when it was protected. 

Which I don't know if that is true. If it was just once, or if it was protected. I tend to think not on either point, just based on what I know of how cheater's operate. But definitely she felt itchy recently and I think that was the impetus for the confession. 

You had to trick her to tell the truth about the one previous time with this other man. Like I said before, she seems very complacent and unsympathetic. And a little cavalier with an "it was only sex, it's over" attitude. Not like a first-time or even second-time cheater.

You mention about being equals. In what way? Do women hit on you? Like the type of attention guys heap on her? My observation is that a hot woman is kind of like a rock star - a lot of adoring fans, and even a few of groupies. Not so much for guys, unless both hot and an actual rock star.

In your marriage, who has more power? You see other marriages, your parents, her parents, siblings' marriages, friends'. How many really are truly "equal" in the relationship? My observation is that one spouse gets a little more say in things. Sometimes because one or the other is very laid back. Sometimes because one cares about marriage life more than the other.

Unfortunately, in a power struggle, the one who cares less, or at least the other e who is willing to risk it and walk away, is the one who gets their way. 

Your wife, in my opinion, by cheating on you, has shown that she is the one who cares less, the one who is willing to risk losing the marriage. 

What do you think of all that?


----------



## OutofRetirement

Was her change in position related to her cheating, to help you more willing to stay married to her? Or was the position change unrelated, just coincidence?


----------



## sokillme

Townes said:


> No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


That's true. So maybe -

Lots of men get cheated on but passive men get cheated on all the time.


----------



## sokillme

OutofRetirement said:


> Midlo, this is a learning process. Hard lessons for sure.
> 
> The poly, and other things you may ask of her: I guess you get to learn how much she really cares about you.


Sex with another man 4 times in one night does tell him that?


----------



## Marc878

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


She can just refuse. Then what are you gonna do?

You back down you lose more.


----------



## bandit.45

Townes said:


> No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


I agree. Cheating doesn't discriminate. I was cheated on and I don't consider myself a wimpy, passive person. I don't believe in the alpha/beta male arguments, but I do think younger men today are a bit lost and uncertain as to where they fit in to the world. Hence the growth of MGTOW and other men's movements.


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. Cheating doesn't discriminate. I was cheated on and I don't consider myself a wimpy, passive person. I don't believe in the alpha/beta male arguments, but I do think younger men today are a bit lost and uncertain as to where they fit in to the world. Hence the growth of MGTOW and other men's movements.


This is true but there is a certain type of women that passive men always seem to end up with, remarkably. I mean we have read this story hundreds of times. The kind that are basically brazen about their cheating. They seem to act with impunity and no fear of consequence. They treat their husbands like dogs and not just with cheating. Like I always say, any post started by a man on SI (just found out) section that is over 25 pages and chances are good this is going to be the dynamic. That is not a coincidence in my opinion.


----------



## BluesPower

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. Cheating doesn't discriminate. I was cheated on and I don't consider myself a wimpy, passive person. I don't believe in the alpha/beta male arguments, but I do think younger men today are a bit lost and uncertain as to where they fit in to the world. Hence the growth of MGTOW and other men's movements.


A lot of people done believe in the alpha/beta thing. Call it what you will, it is a thing. I have seen it too many times. 

I actually think it is a quite confidence or whatever. But it is a definite thing there is really no doubt about it.


----------



## bandit.45

BluesPower said:


> A lot of people done believe in the alpha/beta thing. Call it what you will, it is a thing. I have seen it too many times.
> 
> I actually think it is a quite confidence or whatever. But it is a definite thing there is really no doubt about it.


I just don't see how you can pigeonhole men into "either/ors". There are many men who are ass kicking, hardasses outside the home, but total creampuffs with their wives and kids...and vice versa. 

But then you have the majority of men in the middle, probably 80%, who are just trying to get along and survive. That is where most of us land. They are mean when they need to be and reasonable the rest of the time. They get cheated on just as much if not more than the "alphas" and "betas". 

But then you also have that small percentage of men who are, in my opinion, just morally lazy: men who don't want to take responsibility for themselves or their families or anything. Some of these men are tough ass-kicking dudes when it involves something that interests them, but most of the time they lack the moral imperative to do what is right.


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't see how you can pigeonhole men into "either/ors". There are many men who are ass kicking, hardasses outside the home, but total creampuffs with their wives and kids...and vice versa.
> 
> But then you have the majority of men in the middle, probably 80%, who are just trying to get along and survive. That is where most of us land. They are mean when they need to be and reasonable the rest of the time. They get cheated on just as much if not more than the "alphas" and "betas".
> 
> But then you also have that small percentage of men who are, in my opinion, just morally lazy: men who don't want to take responsibility for themselves or their families or anything. Some of these men are tough ass-kicking dudes when it involves something that interests them, but most of the time they lack the moral imperative to do what is right.


See I really see it like the school yard bully. Until you start to stand up for yourself a bully will test and prob and find you and you will be bullied. I think relationships have the potential to have the same type of dynamic. In a lot of these cases that is what is going on. An abuser isn't going to pick someone who is going to escalate things, and long term abuse requires a person to stay and be abused for a long time. 

These women prob and try to find guys who for whatever reason put up with it. It is just too common. I also think sometimes the women loses all respect for the guy because assertiveness is a primary quality that they find attractive. When the guy allows himself to be a doormat it just makes him unattractive to her. Kind of like the guy whose wive becomes morbidly obese. Now that is not PC to say but we all know that for all but a very small % of men that would be a big turnoff. Some of this is a terribly cruel reaction to that. If you don't value yourself enough to stand up for yourself why should anyone else feel any different. 

I agree in the sense that I don't think you need to be a hard ass, that is not what I am saying, I also agree that if you are a navy seal that doesn't protect you. What I am talking about is calling your spouse or anyone out when they treat you disrespectfully. Making that painful for them to do that, making that uncomfortable any time it happens. That just shapes the relationship in a healthy way. These guys don't do that. Does that stop someone from cheating, I think sometimes it does. One things for sure having your wife lose total respect for you certainly doesn't help your marriage. 

Again I am sure this pisses some people off, but after reading hundreds of posts with the same dynamic I have to call them like I see them. Passive men get cheated on.


----------



## drifting on

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't see how you can pigeonhole men into "either/ors". There are many men who are ass kicking, hardasses outside the home, but total creampuffs with their wives and kids...and vice versa.
> 
> But then you have the majority of men in the middle, probably 80%, who are just trying to get along and survive. That is where most of us land. They are mean when they need to be and reasonable the rest of the time. They get cheated on just as much if not more than the "alphas" and "betas".
> 
> But then you also have that small percentage of men who are, in my opinion, just morally lazy: men who don't want to take responsibility for themselves or their families or anything. Some of these men are tough ass-kicking dudes when it involves something that interests them, but most of the time they lack the moral imperative to do what is right.




Very true. I guess I would fall into the 80% range, aggressive when needed but reasonable the rest of the time. I am very active in my family, hate missing things due to employment, but very active in our home life. I mostly talk about what the kids and I do, but the wife and I have plenty of together time also. So much so that her sisters and female cousins have stated they wish they had a marriage and husband like us. Lol!! If they only knew the truth!! 

Raising the boys has proven to be a lot of fun, and I actually got quite a few pats on the back for a recent incident. One of my boys at school was pushed from behind, he fell into a pile of snow that five students were building. The five immediately began pushing my son, he began to push all five back, but his brother came from across the school yard to help his brother. Now this did get me a visit with the principal, who’s nice enough, but she says the school has a zero tolerance to fighting policy. I nodded my head in approval, asked if my kids had ever fought before, she said, “no”. Good I said, what’s your policy on defending yourself? She said excuse me, I said, my boys are brought up to stick up for themselves, each other, their family, and anyone else at a disadvantage. Have a nice day ma’am, it was a pleasure meeting you. Our family all went for ice cream that night. 

Midlo, with this polygraph you take control, and as I said before, failing and refusing move you straight to divorce.


----------



## re16

Marc878 said:


> She can just refuse. Then what are you gonna do?
> 
> You back down you lose more.


If she refuses, Mid would absolutely need to say that the refusal confirms without doubt that she is lying about her affairs and he is done with the marriage.

I hope he is ready to do that and more importantly that he believes that to be true.


----------



## Chaparral

Townes said:


> No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


But what was he reaction to finding out she was cheating?


----------



## Townes

Chaparral said:


> But what was he reaction to finding out she was cheating?


He freaked out, blew up, and she dumped him.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

sokillme said:


> Are you on medication? Are you afraid to be angry? Have you been taught that anger is wrong? Have you been shamed?


Not to thread jack but to answer;

- No Medication
- Not afraid to be angry but real easy going and easily turn the other cheek unless I feel I have been disrespected hardcore. Dad and Brother taught me how to fight, stand up for myself
- Hmm on shamed, not been shamed but I guess I'm not real comfortable being macho around people I don't know very well. Like not doing stuff that a lot of guys do and don't hold back. Bodily noises, being crude, etc

I think it really comes down to how I deal interact with girls, especially those that I put on a pedestal vs. everyone else.

Outside of my marriage, I did what I wanted for the most part, demanded respect, wasn't afraid to take charge, get angry, get results ... ran the show in a lot of ways. Inside my marriage, I let her wear the pants too much and let her do what she wanted and encouraged it because that is what I thought she wanted and would make her happy, which nothing seemed to make her ultimately happy for long but it did seem like the last few years were getting easier and better, she even said so the year before the affair. When I asked her that months ago, she said she just gave up, she just was putting on a happy face, a show, whatever she said that was good was lying to me and herself.

Long story short, two strong men role models in my life but for me;

- Assertive in life
- Not assertive with women, really shy
- Never mean to women, saw that in my house, my parents never fought, my dad never disrespected my mom, so I was always reluctant to fight with my wife and she always said she wanted that. Her parents had a good marriage but fought through things, worked them out in the open.

I keep going in circles but when it comes down to it, not matter what I did, it hardly ever seemed to please my STBXW. I just need to get over that no matter what I would have done, said, etc, this would have still happened but that's the guilt I'm trying to get past. That I could of some way, stopped this, prevented this.


----------



## Beach123

Does your wife make more money than you?


----------



## BluesPower

bandit.45 said:


> I just don't see how you can pigeonhole men into "either/ors". There are many men who are ass kicking, hardasses outside the home, but total creampuffs with their wives and kids...and vice versa.
> 
> But then you have the majority of men in the middle, probably 80%, who are just trying to get along and survive. That is where most of us land. They are mean when they need to be and reasonable the rest of the time. They get cheated on just as much if not more than the "alphas" and "betas".
> 
> But then you also have that small percentage of men who are, in my opinion, just morally lazy: men who don't want to take responsibility for themselves or their families or anything. Some of these men are tough ass-kicking dudes when it involves something that interests them, but most of the time they lack the moral imperative to do what is right.


I get where you are coming from. I don't disagree with this to extent. But being Alpha/beta or what ever you want to call it, is different than some of the descriptions that you gave. 

I really don't like the A/B classification but I don't know what else to call it. I have seen it in my life and continue to. But I don't get into many bar fights any more, good grief I am 53 years old. It has been like 2 years since I had to punch someone in a bar. I would rather just not get into a fight, but then sometime you have no choice. 

I am also a kitten with all babies, and toddlers. I am great with all small children, I just really love them at that age, I some ways I wish mine were small again, they were so cute. They are not that cute anymore. 

And I am no where near as pretty as I used to be, I got some miles. But, I am continually hit on by women, some of them way too young. Those make me feel a little bit creepy, esp under 30, yuck. 

So why have I never had trouble with women? I has to be something. My looks are mostly gone, I need to loose 20lbs still, working on that, so what is that about then? I has to be something else that I am not even aware of? 

I am open to suggestions???


----------



## sokillme

stillfightingforus said:


> Not to thread jack but to answer;
> 
> - No Medication
> - Not afraid to be angry but real easy going and easily turn the other cheek unless I feel I have been disrespected hardcore. Dad and Brother taught me how to fight, stand up for myself
> - Hmm on shamed, not been shamed but I guess I'm not real comfortable being macho around people I don't know very well. Like not doing stuff that a lot of guys do and don't hold back. Bodily noises, being crude, etc
> 
> I think it really comes down to how I deal interact with girls, especially those that I put on a pedestal vs. everyone else.
> 
> Outside of my marriage, I did what I wanted for the most part, demanded respect, wasn't afraid to take charge, get angry, get results ... ran the show in a lot of ways. Inside my marriage, I let her wear the pants too much and let her do what she wanted and encouraged it because that is what I thought she wanted and would make her happy, which nothing seemed to make her ultimately happy for long but it did seem like the last few years were getting easier and better, she even said so the year before the affair. When I asked her that months ago, she said she just gave up, she just was putting on a happy face, a show, whatever she said that was good was lying to me and herself.
> 
> Long story short, two strong men role models in my life but for me;
> 
> - Assertive in life
> - Not assertive with women, really shy
> - Never mean to women, saw that in my house, my parents never fought, my dad never disrespected my mom, so I was always reluctant to fight with my wife and she always said she wanted that. Her parents had a good marriage but fought through things, worked them out in the open.
> 
> I keep going in circles but when it comes down to it, not matter what I did, it hardly ever seemed to please my STBXW. I just need to get over that no matter what I would have done, said, etc, this would have still happened but that's the guilt I'm trying to get past. That I could of some way, stopped this, prevented this.


Well this is getting to be a thread jack. Post this in your real thread and I will answer.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

sokillme said:


> Well this is getting to be a thread jack. Post this in your real thread and I will answer.


Will do, carry on everyone else, disregard this message


----------



## bandit.45

BluesPower said:


> And I am no where near as pretty as I used to be, I got some miles. But, I am continually hit on by women, some of them way too young. Those make me feel a little bit creepy, esp under 30, yuck.
> 
> So why have I never had trouble with women? I has to be something. My looks are mostly gone, I need to loose 20lbs still, working on that, so what is that about then? I has to be something else that I am not even aware of?
> 
> I am open to suggestions???


I dunno. I'm 50, not pretty either. I don't have women hit on me but I flirt a lot. As for the looks...I'm ugly as a baboons ass so I can't help you there. 

As for losing weight? Stop eating. Seriously. Just don't eat. I eat one meal a day (lunch) and I just take lots of vitamin supplements in the morning. All the dieting and exercising I tried never really did anything for me. Now I just keep my intake to less than 1,000 calories a day and eat no carbs...none. Do not allow sugar or starch or grains into your body. Just vegetables and meat. It.....sucks... I used to jog every day but my plantar fasciitis and arthritis in my ankles has rendered jogging very painful. So now I just lift weights and do stretching. I'm thinking of getting a bike to ride. Getting old blows.


----------



## Gabriel

Bandit, is that working? You dropping the weight? As I've aged, the scale just slowly crawls upward no matter what I do. 

Generally though, it's math. You burn more calories than you take in, you WILL lose weight. Negative 3500 calories is 1 pound. 

Eat 1000 calories, you are likely already 1000-1500 in the negative every day with no exercise. That's a pound every 3 days.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Gabriel said:


> Bandit, is that working? You dropping the weight? As I've aged, the scale just slowly crawls upward no matter what I do.
> 
> Generally though, it's math. You burn more calories than you take in, you WILL lose weight. Negative 3500 calories is 1 pound.
> 
> Eat 1000 calories, you are likely already 1000-1500 in the negative every day with no exercise. That's a pound every 3 days.


The Calorie consumption vs. burn is dead on when you boil right down to it but I am not at that point in my life yet. To me it's all about sugars again. I didn't care what I ate after the discovery of the affair and when I could actually hold down food again but then I turned into a bit of a fun exercise of bulking and building muscle mass. I gained as much fat as muscle but don't care, now I eliminated most sugars again and am cutting but still trying to keep my weight amounts up at the gym. I would like to be 200 lbs by the final court date in late June but without the belly fat. At 190 right now.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

Hopefully you are reading these comments, they aren’t so much a thread jack as it is that you also need idle conversation not pertaining to your situation. This is a time for your brain to calm down, emotions settle, and for you to try to relax. Most of these posters are veterans either on TAM or elsewhere, your concerns are still the top priority. During this process remember to breathe, thoughts are fleeting, and they will pass.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

No guarantees either way and each affair and situation has a slight difference but this thread that is fairly new could offer some insight into what the vets are saying on how the BH should respond.

This BH is brushing her off like a dead fly and while he's hurt, she is reeling even more.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/418913-i-cheathed-i-need-your-help.html


----------



## SentHereForAReason

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. I'm 50, not pretty either. I don't have women hit on me but I flirt a lot. As for the looks...I'm ugly as a baboons ass so I can't help you there.
> 
> As for losing weight? Stop eating. Seriously. Just don't eat. I eat one meal a day (lunch) and I just take lots of vitamin supplements in the morning. All the dieting and exercising I tried never really did anything for me. Now I just keep my intake to less than 1,000 calories a day and eat no carbs...none. Do not allow sugar or starch or grains into your body. Just vegetables and meat. It.....sucks... I used to jog every day but my plantar fasciitis and arthritis in my ankles has rendered jogging very painful. So now I just lift weights and do stretching. I'm thinking of getting a bike to ride. Getting old blows.


Forget the bike even a treadmill. Get yourself and elliptical! Burns more than the other two, super low impact on knees and just a great all around machine for those that want the solution to burn cals but not kill your bones and body parts.


----------



## Chaparral

Townes said:


> He freaked out, blew up, and she dumped him.


An alpha male would have done the dumping. Preferably without even losing his temper. :wink2:


----------



## bandit.45

stillfightingforus said:


> Forget the bike even a treadmill. Get yourself and elliptical! Burns more than the other two, super low impact on knees and just a great all around machine for those that want the solution to burn cals but not kill your bones and body parts.


Good idea.


----------



## ABHale

Beach123 said:


> Does your wife make more money than you?


Midlo earns more then her.


----------



## Townes

Chaparral said:


> An alpha male would have done the dumping. Preferably without even losing his temper. :wink2:


This guy was more aggressive than alpha. Alpha in some respects I suppose. Definitely not passive though. I think even being "alpha" though is not necessarily going to protect you from being cheated on. It will just help your odds. I think as humans we want to believe we have the power to control things to keep ourselves from suffering. That just isn't always the case when another person is involved. You can do absolutely everything right and still get screwed over by someone else. That's just a reality of life. Obviously you have to make decisions that give you the best chance of success though.


----------



## colingrant

ABHale said:


> She is still lying to you.


There's more


----------



## colingrant

Midlo2004 said:


> Update: I'm trying to take some advice here. I told her if I didn't know more I was reaching out to the OM. She said there is more, but not with anyone else.
> 
> She told me that there was one other time with him.


There's more


----------



## colingrant

Midlo:

I don't think you have too much to worry concerning her friends with benefits guy. The fact that he didn't communicate with her afterwards indicates she was just a piece for him. HOWEVER, he's ALWAYS going to go back to the well, regardless of how many times she denies him. For some guys, sex is like a sales position. You ignore the no's and keep asking until the time is right for the "yes". Patience is the name of the game when it's just about sex. I should know, as I used to be one of those guys.


----------



## Dyokemm

BluesPower said:


> I get where you are coming from. I don't disagree with this to extent. But being Alpha/beta or what ever you want to call it, is different than some of the descriptions that you gave.
> 
> I really don't like the A/B classification but I don't know what else to call it. I have seen it in my life and continue to. But I don't get into many bar fights any more, good grief I am 53 years old. It has been like 2 years since I had to punch someone in a bar. I would rather just not get into a fight, but then sometime you have no choice.
> 
> I am also a kitten with all babies, and toddlers. I am great with all small children, I just really love them at that age, I some ways I wish mine were small again, they were so cute. They are not that cute anymore.
> 
> And I am no where near as pretty as I used to be, I got some miles. But, I am continually hit on by women, some of them way too young. Those make me feel a little bit creepy, esp under 30, yuck.
> 
> So why have I never had trouble with women? I has to be something. My looks are mostly gone, I need to loose 20lbs still, working on that, so what is that about then? I has to be something else that I am not even aware of?
> 
> I am open to suggestions???


It’s confidence and an air of assured self respect....maybe even a whiff of arrogance (but definitely not too much).

That is what attracts women.....

It is definitely not being the simpering, sweet, kiss their a** type.....they will flirt with and use those guys.

But equally....it’s not the overly aggressive or always on the ‘edge’ of anger guys either....especially more so with a woman who is more experienced......

Most women realize that they can all too easily end up on the wrong side of that aggression in a split second.

Basically.....if you act like a sad sack or a pushy a**hole you attract less women....and a lot of the ones those guys do attract are the ones with issues of one type or another.

Being good looking helps....but IMO it will not cancel out personality with most women.


----------



## Dyokemm

Townes said:


> No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


ANY man can get cheated on.....the differences show up for the most part in what happens AFTER the A is discovered.

Passive men refuse to fight back and stand up for themselves......

Confident men will either D immediately or deliver real consequences and demand changes in the WW for even a shot at R....

Unfortunately....a lot of the hyper aggressive ones will become abusers after discovery.....in many cases, a WW is lucky if she only gets a D from one of these types of guys.

Of course.....a WW who will cheat on one of these angry/aggressive guys has always been a puzzle to me.....they truly are often putting their life on the line for a side thrill.

You would think if a woman knew her H was truly one of those guys with anger and aggression problems.....why in the h*ll would you take that risk?

They do it though:scratchhead:


----------



## bandit.45

Gabriel said:


> Bandit, is that working? You dropping the weight? As I've aged, the scale just slowly crawls upward no matter what I do.
> 
> Generally though, it's math. You burn more calories than you take in, you WILL lose weight. Negative 3500 calories is 1 pound.
> 
> Eat 1000 calories, you are likely already 1000-1500 in the negative every day with no exercise. That's a pound every 3 days.


Its working to maintain my weight. I’m at a weight I’m comfortable with. I don’t get a lot of aerobic exercise so I keep the consumption way down. I go to bed hungry every night. 

I have one of those wonderful English/Scots metabolisms where my body basically does not metabolize carbohydrates....at all. I look at sugar and I gain 10 pounds.


----------



## bandit.45

The turnip got tired of being squeezed. I think he bailed.


----------



## PreRaph

Honestly OP, if you're still reading this thread, if your wife has admitted to getting greater sexual satisfaction from this man because of the excitement of straying and because of his size, then why don't you congratulate her on finding a man with whom she is more sexually compatible and wish her a good life? 

It doesn't matter whether it's really true and her lover's equipment really does feel better, or whether the real enjoyment comes from confessing it to you--the good girl turned wanton ****. Why are you still hanging around? The measure of a man (or a woman for that matter) is not being the boss in all situations, it's taking action when action is called for.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

bandit.45 said:


> The turnip got tired of being squeezed. I think he bailed.


I hope not, maybe doing what I did at times. When I was actually putting plans into action, I didn't want to take the chance of having my posts seen before they took place in real life. I think today was the polygraph day? Hopefully just busy, taking definitive action!


----------



## RWB

Dyokemm said:


> You would think if a woman knew her H was truly one of those guys with anger and aggression problems.....*why in the h*ll would you take that risk?*
> 
> They do it though:scratchhead:


Easy-Pesy...

They truly believe... They will never get caught.

Plus, what's the real consequences, they get a D, your home, half your paycheck, the children, sleep with POSOM anytime the want. Sounds like a pretty efficient way to jettison a H they really could care less about. 

@Dyokemm you ask, Why take the Risk? 

The real question should be why would a decent, hard working man take the risk of ever getting married in the first place. If one would look at the risk/reward of marriage like a business venture capital deal it makes no sense at all. I think betting on the ponies at the track would be more attractive move.


----------



## Hexagon

Midlo2004 said:


> This is interesting. Because I think that's why I joined and started this thread yesterday and not 40 days ago when she first told me. I am frustrated because I do WANT TO KNOW EVERY DETAIL. The frustration is because she is not and was not providing that. I think I do have to get hard. Polygraph for Friday at 6pm. She gets home by 4 on Friday. I will tell her we are going to pick up our camper and then have the poly and if the only way to not take it is to tell me everything.


Don't give her an out. She'll just make up something worse than what she told you but not quite as bad as the truth. 
Listen to these people. They have all been where you are now. 
Most of us, including myself, have been bitten by the snake and still refuse to believe that it was a snake.
As far as I can tell, she has absolutely no reason to be honest with you......at least not 100% honest. 
Please, PLEASE listen to this. 
By being soft on her, in any way, you passively give her permission to do it again. 
She might not right away.
She might even be convincingly remorseful.
But she will do it again. This is important so I have to repeat it.
She WILL DO IT AGAIN.
Her lack of remorse is telling you what she really thinks or feels.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

I’m hoping you are doing as well as can be expected. Picking her up you are going to be very emotional, just tell her the shock is wearing off from the new onset of information. That this new onset has placed you back at the very beginning. Then casually drive to the polygraph. Of course this is easier said then done, but when you get there do not allow her to not take the polygraph. If she does refuse, then tell her you are going to divorce, that she can’t be trusted anyway. Stay strong, be firm, tell her she has this one time to come clean, refusing to take the exam and failing the polygraph will lead to divorce. God bless. If you need anything I’m willing to help.


----------



## re16

drifting on said:


> Midlo
> 
> Picking her up you are going to be very emotional, just tell her the shock is wearing off from the new onset of information. That this new onset has placed you back at the very beginning.


Agree. Don't cave to whatever she tries to pull to get out of taking poly. Stay strong. Good luck.

I assume kids won't be with you when you pick her up....


----------



## Midlo2004

Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


----------



## twocents

She already did it again! this is her second time that you know?!


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


Because of the mountain of evidence and relatable stories that show the likelihood of it happening again. I was like you at one point, thought I was different, could control things with my will, they didn't understand, they had a good grasp but they didn't fully understand. None of us are that special to be honest, when it comes to these situations. It's crazy if you read as many books, stories and talk to as many people as I have over the past year how this all follows a typical pattern with Wayward spouses, no matter what race, religion or creed they are, they are human and they have deep rooted human emotions that cannot be controlled by logic or rational. 

Many are sure she will do it again because of what we know from so many similar situations and because of the specific facts you gave that apply.

The fact that she did it on more than one occasion (different dates) means she already has passed the 'AGAIN' threshold.


----------



## jlg07

Midlo, 
from every post I hear that you are really trying to give your wife the benefit of the doubt -- you REALLY want to believe her. you REALLY want to get past this. You really want your marriage back the way you thought it was. Here's the thing -- she has LIED to you multiple times. She really ISN'T the person who you think you know, and your marriage is NOT what you thought. SHE is trying to control the story around the affair when she should be on her knees begging for forgiveness. She is not remorseful at all. She just told you because she felt she had to so that SHE could control the narrative. 

Since she in not remorseful and is trying to trickle truth you, do you REALLY think that when she is out on the road she will have ANY restrictions for not cheating? So, she may not cheat with someone at her work or that could potentially know you, but she WILL find others to cheat with. She has already shown you that she has NO BOUNDARIES around other men when she is away from you. She has done nothing to change, nothing to try and fix your pain, etc. -- what makes you think she has magically fixed those boundaries?

You really should force the issue on the polygraph. If she absolutely refuses, then HOPEFULLY you will finally realize WHY -- that she's done a TON of things that she doesn't want you to find out about.

In the meantime, while she is still away, you should start looking into your finances, get some legal opinions on what you could expect if you want to divorce. 

the only way ANYTHING will work here is if you stand up to her, show her that you are willing to lose her over this (and honestly, what are you losing? A cheating lying woman who tries to manipulate you...). For your own sake PLEASE wake up and stop justifying anything for her -- stop making excuses for her --- there are NONE for cheating. It is a completely selfish destructive behavior.


----------



## BluesPower

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


Just to repeat one other poster. She already has done it again. Don't you get that?

From the time that you started posting you are asking the wrong questions, you are looking at thing the wrong way. Maybe it is the shock, maybe you were sheltered as a child and you just really don't understand people or women. 

But dude, she already DID IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. 

She did it because she liked it, the other guys were bigger and better than you. She wants more if it. The only reason you know now is that she thought she gave you an std. 

If you have the balls to get to the truth, you are going find that 4 time in a night is nothing compared to the number of guys she has screwed over the last 3 years? 

I am betting 6 but it could just as easily be 60. Why can you not understand that? 

Your wife is a cheater, she has hidden her true sexual self from you your entire marriage. She has had sex with multiple men for multiple years. 

Please wake up to what is going on in front of your eyes....


----------



## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


Because there has been no consequences for her actions. 

How do you know, other then her word, she hasn’t been doing this for the past three years?

You know she can lie to you. You would have never known a thing if she didn’t confess. 

Have you asked this, would you have ever confessed to me if you weren’t worried about the possibility of a STD?

This question alone would clear most everything up for you. 

You know it’s like you turn a blind eye to the truth just so you can say it’s not true.


----------



## Real talk

Chaparral said:


> But what was he reaction to finding out she was cheating?


A lot of alpha men tend to wife up promiscuous and questionable women for some reason. I guess they think their controlling behavior can keep them in check.


----------



## GusPolinski

Townes said:


> No idea what the percentages are, but I've seen a lot of assertive and aggressive men cheated on too. There's a mma coach where I live that's about as aggressive as a guy gets. He believed he had scared away any men from pursuing his long-term girlfriend. Well guess what, he just found out she's been cheating on him. There's really no particular way of thinking or behaving that's going to completely protect you from infidelity. Not being passive probably ups your odds some though I would guess.


Alphas get cheated on with betas.

Betas get cheated on with alphas.

Balance is the key.


----------



## jlg07

GusPolinski said:


> Alphas get cheated on with betas.
> 
> Betas get cheated on with alphas.
> 
> Balance is the key.


Actually Gus, I think fixing your picker and not getting involved with amoral asshats is the key. (but I agree with you as it pertains to cheaters...)


----------



## re16

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?



It's not "just sex" as she says, its also an ego boost for her to have guys pay attention to her.

Woman that are into getting attention from men with their bodies don't change. She is one of those women.

The poly will prove it. In the car she will say, "well there was this other time...." When she admits there are others, you'll realize that she has a pattern of doing this.


----------



## drifting on

jlg07 said:


> Midlo,
> from every post I hear that you are really trying to give your wife the benefit of the doubt -- you REALLY want to believe her. you REALLY want to get past this. You really want your marriage back the way you thought it was. Here's the thing -- she has LIED to you multiple times. She really ISN'T the person who you think you know, and your marriage is NOT what you thought. SHE is trying to control the story around the affair when she should be on her knees begging for forgiveness. She is not remorseful at all. She just told you because she felt she had to so that SHE could control the narrative.
> 
> Since she in not remorseful and is trying to trickle truth you, do you REALLY think that when she is out on the road she will have ANY restrictions for not cheating? So, she may not cheat with someone at her work or that could potentially know you, but she WILL find others to cheat with. She has already shown you that she has NO BOUNDARIES around other men when she is away from you. She has done nothing to change, nothing to try and fix your pain, etc. -- what makes you think she has magically fixed those boundaries?
> 
> You really should force the issue on the polygraph. If she absolutely refuses, then HOPEFULLY you will finally realize WHY -- that she's done a TON of things that she doesn't want you to find out about.
> 
> In the meantime, while she is still away, you should start looking into your finances, get some legal opinions on what you could expect if you want to divorce.
> 
> the only way ANYTHING will work here is if you stand up to her, show her that you are willing to lose her over this (and honestly, what are you losing? A cheating lying woman who tries to manipulate you...). For your own sake PLEASE wake up and stop justifying anything for her -- stop making excuses for her --- there are NONE for cheating. It is a completely selfish destructive behavior.




Midlo

I understand protecting your wife, this truly causes me pain, I even tried to protect my wife. Not here, but I gave her the trust, I gave her the trust until I couldn’t anymore. You are doing exactly what I did, you still see her as someone who loves and will care for you, stand by your side, but reality is that’s rose colored glasses that you need to remove. Taking my a clear look at my wife still haunts me to do this very day, never would she do what she chose to do. Never would she intentionally cause me pain or harm. I placed my wife on a pedestal and then admired her through rose colored glasses. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life, just like you, and gave her blind trust. I took everything she said as truth, she would never hurt me, but she ended up hurting me more then I’ve ever hurt before. 

What we are all trying to tell you is that you have to stop seeing her the way you do. Stop allowing her to choose what you should know, to choose how your marriage continues. She had your trust midlo, she treated it terribly, she treated you terrible, she treated your marriage so bad it died. If you asked me I would definitely say OM wasn’t her first, don’t even think I would say her second, I think this rabbit hole goes very deep. For your sake I also hope it was one OM, but from your posts, the way she is responding, it screams she’s done far more. I’d love to be wrong, I wish you no ill will or pain. 

As for happening in the future, it goes one of two ways, ends or continues. She hasn’t been remorseful, so the scale would be in favor of continuing. That doesn’t mean it will, she may feel remorse down the road, which could tilt the scale the other direction. She may decide to get counseling to become a better person, nobody knows, but she must build boundaries and enforce them. I’m not so sure she is strong enough for this from what you’ve posted. But you never know, she might surprise all of us, or continue to what won’t surprise us.


----------



## sokillme

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


History of reading about this stuff. Human nature follows patterns. Your story has been written and read and in some cases even lived by lots of us on these boards. 

Something is wrong that she could get to this point. She will need to work very hard to change what that is. Healthy people create bonds of loyalty and have good rules in place in their lives to avoid situations that get them into trouble. Your wife didn't. It makes her dangerous.

The best predictor of future behavior is previous behavior. Look at the recidivism crime rates. Once a cheater always a cheater, especially when their is no consequence. 

My question is why you are willing and actually want to be with someone who treats you so bad, aren't you worth more then that? Eventually all she is going to end up being is someone who causes you pain. That is where a relationship like this goes. 

One last question why are you so sure she is going to stay with you for the long term. Her pattern is of looking for new mates shows she is looking for someone other then you. Why are you operating like you are safe? A women who has multiple affairs is just shopping for someone else.


----------



## BluesPower

drifting on said:


> Midlo
> 
> If you asked me I would definitely say OM wasn’t her first, don’t even think I would say her second, I think this rabbit hole goes very deep. *For your sake I also hope it was one OM, but from your posts*, the way she is responding, it screams she’s done far more.* I’d love to be wrong, I wish you no ill will or pain.
> *


THIS is so true (in bold), we all wish this. 

I wish so many times that I told someone to do a surprise poly that I would turn out wrong. For once could I just be jumping to a conclusion, just once...

So far, I have never been wrong, maybe you will be the first. 

But there is only one way to find out, and you know what that is...


----------



## Nucking Futs

BluesPower said:


> THIS is so true (in bold), we all wish this.
> 
> I wish so many times that I told someone to do a surprise poly that I would turn out wrong. For once could I just be jumping to a conclusion, just once...
> 
> *So far, I have never been wrong, maybe you will be the first. *
> 
> But there is only one way to find out, and you know what that is...


No. But keep hope alive, maybe someday.


----------



## Beach123

It's the fact that she cheated because she liked the attention from another man that shows she will cheat again.

Men know this. All they have to do is test any woman = compliment them and look longingly into their eyes - that reaction tells them IF she might consider cheating. 

So they lay on more compliments by paying attention to a gal. When a woman eats up that attention and wants more = they spread their legs... and usually comeback for more.

That is why she will likely cheat more.

A woman like me - I don't care when someone compliments me. I know I'm pretty - I don't react except with an unemotional "thanks". 

It never occurs to me to allow that manipulative move to manifest into anything further.


----------



## Gabriel

re16 said:


> It's not "just sex" as she says, its also an ego boost for her to have guys pay attention to her.
> 
> Woman that are into getting attention from men with their bodies don't change. She is one of those women.
> 
> The poly will prove it. In the car she will say, "well there was this other time...." When she admits there are others, you'll realize that she has a pattern of doing this.


This is quite possible. It's either this, or, she has or at least had a real thing for this guy.

This is either a full blown affair with a man she really enjoyed having sex with (likely way more times than she is telling you), or, she's done this with other men.

Midlo, I'm really sorry you are here. It's a very sucky place to be. Please listen to us. We've seen this so many times and as much as every single husband thinks their wife is different, none of them are. None of them who cheat that is.


----------



## seadoug105

Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?



Because she likes the thickness!

You said she is not very sexual, WELP.... 

Actions speak louder than words... 

And her actions proved when she has thickness she is VERY sexual! So sexual in fact, than she needed to bring a chaperone with were to avoid participating in another all night FAH-HUCKFEST.


On a side note it still baffles me that the shame of her friend finding out (being there) gave her more restraint and control than her love for you....

Just some more of my ****ty thoughts!


----------



## southernplus40

Give the guy a break. A pillar of his life, his marriage, family, future, present and past, has just turned to dust. The "Good Girl" and his marriage died. He is dealing with the death now. He is in shock at the seeming lack of remorse from his wife for the violence she has inflicted on his life. He is wrestling with the process of grief and its various stages. On the forum we have seen a lot of push back-denial if you will-when his wife’s character was questioned by this bunch of strangers. This is denial. He is coming around. Let’s try to show some empathy for what he has to face in the near and distant future. And back off for a time with the 2x4’s. The vets on this forum already know that the probability of this being a one off is extremely low. Let the calmer voices direct the narrative that will follow from the trip to the polygraph on Friday. And it will be crushing. And we all know know what follows denial, ANGER. Help him harness that anger to protect himself and his children. 
Also i have a possible question for the polygraph that may have already been asked: "Without the STD scare had you ever planned to tell your husband about your affairs(s)? I believe that a deadly and debilitating disease could not be compartmentalized with the ease she has compartmentalized "JUST SEX".


----------



## Decorum

bandit.45 said:


> The turnip got tired of being squeezed. I think he bailed.





Midlo2004 said:


> Why are you so sure she will do it again? I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


So I think an OP has to earn my trust, and time.

It's a give and take.

I am not going to spend much time on a pattern that goes like the above.

But that's just me.


----------



## Beach123

How did the poly go?


----------



## Taxman

Midlo
Your wife takes you for a patsy. If you are going through with the poly at four today, be prepared for a horrible evening. Take this for what it is worth: Hoof her out this evening. Tell her that it is over now. Tell her that if she goes to her AP, you will be destroying both of their careers on Monday, and she can chase you all she wants but you are no longer interested. Consequences for actions. She screwed someone other than you, then she loses her lifestyle.

One of my clients was in your shoes. She gave the same half assed description, having had drinks, but not drunk and she slept with a coworker. Turned out it was a little more. He smiled, pulled out his phone and downloaded a popular cheating site. He then made a date. He told his wife point blank, that he was going on a date that evening and if she objected she could GTFO. She cried, screamed pleaded, he said to her, if her friend could un**** her then he wouldn't go. He went, he made sure that there was video evidence. He asked his wife how many times it occurred, and he matched her. He told her that at any time, he could find someone else, so if she wanted the marriage, she had damn well better shut her mouth, and get to work fixing what she did. She did not see it coming, thought that he would just forgive and move on. Her life was not her own for the next six months. She knew full well that he was going to replace her, and the momentary thrill was never worth what she got. And she got it all: No more discretionary spending, she got an allowance. No more socializing with office mates, home one half hour after quitting time. No GNO's no separate vacations, all electronics open. She said it was like living in a prison camp for the first month, she presented herself for inspection daily. It took nearly a year for it to calm down. She was absolutely grateful that he kept her.


----------



## barbados

Taxman said:


> Midlo
> Your wife takes you for a patsy. If you are going through with the poly at four today, be prepared for a horrible evening. Take this for what it is worth: Hoof her out this evening. Tell her that it is over now. Tell her that if she goes to her AP, you will be destroying both of their careers on Monday, and she can chase you all she wants but you are no longer interested. Consequences for actions. She screwed someone other than you, then she loses her lifestyle.
> 
> One of my clients was in your shoes. She gave the same half assed description, having had drinks, but not drunk and she slept with a coworker. Turned out it was a little more. He smiled, pulled out his phone and downloaded a popular cheating site. He then made a date. He told his wife point blank, that he was going on a date that evening and if she objected she could GTFO. She cried, screamed pleaded, he said to her, if her friend could un**** her then he wouldn't go. He went, he made sure that there was video evidence. He asked his wife how many times it occurred, and he matched her. He told her that at any time, he could find someone else, so if she wanted the marriage, she had damn well better shut her mouth, and get to work fixing what she did. She did not see it coming, thought that he would just forgive and move on. Her life was not her own for the next six months. She knew full well that he was going to replace her, and the momentary thrill was never worth what she got. And she got it all: No more discretionary spending, she got an allowance. No more socializing with office mates, home one half hour after quitting time. No GNO's no separate vacations, all electronics open. *She said it was like living in a prison camp* for the first month, she presented herself for inspection daily. It took nearly a year for it to calm down. She was absolutely grateful that he kept her.


If he had to do all that the prison was his and always will be. Better to have just divorced, or if his intent was revenge, do all the above and then still divorce


----------



## Townes

I think the desire for intensity is very accurate, but I think this might rely too much on the old notion of women being sexually neutral until lured away by a smooth talking man. That has not been my experience in the past 20 years. Women are often the initiators and aggressors in affairs. Sometimes it's for emotional intensity, but sometimes it's purely carnal just like a man. I think men will continue to be baffled by women cheating until they accept this.


----------



## Taxman

barbados said:


> If he had to do all that the prison was his and always will be. Better to have just divorced, or if his intent was revenge, do all the above and then still divorce


I agree wholeheartedly, it illustrates extremes in reaction to a spouse's affair. I have seen a good number of extreme responses. In my case, I reacted poorly and created one. Most only make the situation worse. I counsel my clients that kindness even in the midst of a storm usually works out better than addressing the situation with guns ablazin'. My client's marriage survived. It took a lot of MC, and it was suggested more than once that they terminate, as he was so damn stubborn. I felt that he could have let go at least two years earlier. The reconciliation was drawn out over 7 years, again, a bit of an arsehole, and I pulled no punches telling him so. I was bluntly told, if she wants to get trusted, she had better be open until I am satisfied. I asked him to start thinking about being satisfied. This year makes it over ten since d-day. They appear happy, she and I will never talk, she never engages in conversation with men unless her husband is in the room.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

Praying for you tonight that the polygraph goes as well as it can. Praying that tonight you know the truth. God bless.


----------



## 269370

GusPolinski said:


> Alphas get cheated on with betas.
> 
> 
> 
> Betas get cheated on with alphas.
> 
> 
> 
> Balance is the key.



But who gets cheated on with Omega man?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## OutofRetirement

Midlo2004 said:


> *Why are you so sure she will do it again? * I don't understand so please fill me in. Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?


Midlo, no one can be sure. But this is true:

Humans behave remarkably similarly in similar situations. Very much so in wrongdoing, like cheating. Cheating means "breaking the rules." Or "breaking a promise." 

For example, when my son was told "no throwing ball in the house," he agreed. "OK, Dad." When I came home and found the lamp smashed, and only my son and his friends had been home, I ask, "what happened to the lamp?"

Among the answers were "I don't know," "I didn't do it," "We only threw the ball once," "I didn't want to throw the ball but my friends made me," "this is the first time we did it," "I'm really sorry," etc., etc., etc. This is human nature to being caught doing something wrong.

OK, so your wife confessed. When older children do something wrong, throwing the ball in the house let's say, they will confess, because they know the parent is going to know anyway. In that case, when you come home, it's "Dad, I broke the lamp." "It was an accident." "I threw the ball." "This was the first time ever." "My friends made me do it." Etc., etc., etc.

Maybe you haven't seen how cheaters behave, but a lot of the posters here have. Maybe you are hung up by them being "100% sure." This is hyperbole. No one can be 100% sure. But when people "study" like the people here do, reading stories like yours for a year or more, they get a pretty good idea of it.

You said initially your wife told you she gave complete honesty, but was giving the "I don't remember" to many of your questions. This is a common UNremorseful cheater. And a very, very large majority of UNremorseful cheaters do it again. A very, very large majority of cheaters who get zero consequences do it again.

I personally have rarely, if ever (I can't think of one), saw or heard of a cheater who became "remorseful" prior to three months being caught. "Remorse" meaning very sorry I did it because it was wrong and it hurt mye spouse, I want to do everything I can to make my spouse feel better, I want to listen to my spouse and understand how bad he feels, I want to figure out why I did something so against my character, values, and integrity; as opposed to "regret" meaning sorry I got caught, sorry I have to put up with my spouse keep asking me about it, I wish you'd just get over it already, etc.

Your wife is obviously well within the "regret" (maybe not even) category, not the "remorse" category. She probably won't cheat in the next month or so, after a traumatic event, people determine "never again." But 3-6 months down the line, that determination fades, and old habits come back.



Midlo2004 said:


> *Is it because now that she did it with someone else, she will cave into temptation?*


Bingo! If you do something wrong, and it was "FUN!" and nothing really bad happens, it's very likely you'll do it again. For example, in high school, you "cut" class, or "cut" the whole day, you went to the beach, partied with hot girls, had a fantastic frickin day, and later you get found out, but all you get is an admonition. The next week you are asked to do it again. "Better not," you say. "Too soon, I'll get in much bigger trouble." But three months later, or the next year it comes up again, and you say, "That was the best day of my life, let's do it, I'm willing to risk it." So without consequence, unless you are so much morally against the behavior that you won't do it because it hurt YOU inside, you're probably going to do it again.

The polygraph is a consequence.


----------



## GusPolinski

inmyprime said:


> But who gets cheated on with Omega man?


Probably Yankees fans.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Midlo, this is very simple to understand for us but for you, I can see that you refuse to accept the possibility that you do not know her and that she could be as bad as this (and I do understand why). However it is our job to keep encouraging you to open your eyes and at the very least investigate further and take protective steps.


I understand that she was with only one other man before you. However, lets just say that she had never experienced a good thick **** before you or her previous guy.


Also lets say that this is not the first man she finds attractive, both outwardly and personality wise.


And, lets just say that she loves you but not as crazy in love with you so as to forego her own possibility of lustful pleasure and satisfaction.


Finally, lets accept that she, like many cheaters, is very good at compartmentalisation i.e. she can keep the two parts of her life separate without skipping a step.


Now, she gets a chance to **** a guy that she finds attractive. She takes the usual precaution and uses a condom and tries him out. To her delight he is thick and she finds the whole experience very hot and satisfying, moreso than she has ever had before. So she files that fact and keeps it from you and the two of you go on as normal.

The next time she gets an opportunity to **** him, she does but is so excited that she wants to bareback and keep going all night while she has the chance.


However, this time something happens (not sure what ... for you to find out). She either thinks she caught something because of the barebacking or somebody might have seen them etc but whatever the reason, she thinks about it for a while while the itching sets in, and then 45 days later decides to tell you. There is no guilt at all, just as there was not the first time round. So she tells you the bare minimum to not make it worse with you - not because you will be hurt but because of how you might react. And she uses guilt as the reason she told you.


Beyond the shadow of any doubt, she fully remembers every single detail of that night. She just doesn't want to tell you and tries to make you feel guilty for asking. And you thought you were fooling her by saying you found it hot - you never had a chance. She is in control here.


You threaten to contact the POSOM and she throws you another little morsel (trickle truthing) in that she did it with him once before. Just enough to keep you thinking that she is telling you the truth this time. So what happened to guilt the first time, eh ?


Now there is a strong possibility that there were other times in between the first time and this time (maybe with other guys) but she doesn't need to tell you. By telling you about this guy who is many miles away, she hopes you will be satisfied with thinking she could not have done this more times as he is so far away (all the while she could have been ****ing half a dozen guys closer to home). Remember she has no guilt whatsoever about doing this. These are her separate lives. As a result, you get the infrequent, duty, vanilla sex while she reserves the hot frequent stuff for these guys.


And she knows that you will find this hard to process, handle and believe that it could be a lot worse. She also knows that you will never leave especially since you have children. So life can go on for her.


Now, is there a possibility that I am wrong about all this - yes there is. But the probability (likelihood) of it being nearer the truth is very high - because she has the lack of morals to do it (already confirmed), she has the opportunity (confirmed), she knows that she can be attracted to men other than her husband and act upon it and enjoy it (confirmed) - so given her attitude to this, the opportunities she has, the inclination to do it and the true lack of guilt, yes it is likely she has done more.


If what I say could be true, you owe it to yourself to find out else you will never be truly free and happy. Take your head out of the sand now!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

seadoug105 said:


> Because she likes the thickness!
> 
> You said she is not very sexual, WELP....
> 
> Actions speak louder than words...
> 
> And her actions proved when she has thickness she is VERY sexual! So sexual in fact, than she needed to bring a chaperone with were to avoid participating in another all night FAH-HUCKFEST.
> 
> 
> *On a side note it still baffles me that the shame of her friend finding out (being there) gave her more restraint and control than her love for you....*
> 
> Just some more of my ****ty thoughts!


 Odds are very good it didn't give her more restraint. Just an alibi.


----------



## barbados

Taxman said:


> I agree wholeheartedly, it illustrates extremes in reaction to a spouse's affair. I have seen a good number of extreme responses. In my case, I reacted poorly and created one. Most only make the situation worse. I counsel my clients that kindness even in the midst of a storm usually works out better than addressing the situation with guns ablazin'. My client's marriage survived. It took a lot of MC, and it was suggested more than once that they terminate, as he was so damn stubborn. I felt that he could have let go at least two years earlier. The reconciliation was drawn out over 7 years, again, a bit of an arsehole, and I pulled no punches telling him so. I was bluntly told, if she wants to get trusted, she had better be open until I am satisfied. I asked him to start thinking about being satisfied. This year makes it over ten since d-day. They appear happy, she and I will never talk, she never engages in conversation with men unless her husband is in the room.


He still choose prison for himself (and her) in the end. What the hell kinda life is that? 

Not your fault of course. You gave them the best advice you could and he was to dumb to listen.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

I’m praying that the old saying, no news is good news, is true. I’m praying that yesterday went better then anybody expected, and that you have found your wife was truthful. Finally, I’m praying that you have strength midlo, strength to make it through infidelity. God bless.


----------



## Decorum

Mildo,
You will probably never feel special to her again, not the same as it was.

You will never feel special to her at all, if she is not fully remorseful, and goes on to do the heavy lifting required to try to fix what she broke.

That (brokenness/heavy lifting) is disturbingly absent.

If she is not broken over what she did (not just sad, and sorry), she will not have the balm to help you heal.

You will never feel like "the guy who rocks her world" again.

Sorry.


----------



## Midlo2004

Poly done and she has been truthful. I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Midlo2004 said:


> she was truthful and revealed many more details


Isn't that basically two opposites? Isn't revealing many more details kind of means she lied by omission until now?


----------



## OutofRetirement

I can't keep track.

What kind of new details?

I guess nothing significant?


----------



## Midlo2004

Just details of those two nights. She answered my questions. Why? How? How did it get there? Many specific questions I had about those two nights.


----------



## just got it 55

​


Midlo2004 said:


> Just details of those two nights. She answered my questions. Why? How? How did it get there? Many specific questions I had about those two nights.


Many Questions must have cost you a fortune!!

What were they exactly?

55


----------



## TAMAT

Midlo,

Moving forward how are you going to handle the knowledge that she gave her best sex to someone else, more than she ever gave to you? I deal with this even 20+ years after OM1.

There is a long term element to this question, your W might be in hysterical bonding with you right now, but it often the case that the sex with your WW is changed for life. When sex with your W diminishes or changes you will trigger.

It's not just how you feel about her, but how she sees you.

Recovery takes from two to five years when you will have breakdowns often. I suppose you are recovered when it only happens once a month. 

What is your plan on dealing with OM?

Tamat


----------



## Taxman

OK Midlo, so now you know. What are you going to do about it? Have a talk with OM? Get his side? Be a good guy? Me? I am a bastard! I would kick her out. I would call each and every family member and every friend and tell them that you have kicked her out because she slept with someone else. Let her deal with the fallout. 

Is she showing remorse? Or is it regret? Mine was a madhatter situation: I had the affair, and she had revenge. I don't recommend revenge very often, but that also shakes up their world. Sure as hell did it for me, and it accelerated reconciliation, but in a sideways fashion. I lost it, when I found out that she cheated back. So I assaulted her AP, and consequently got her fired, as I did it at her office. Put her in a horrible position as everyone turned their back on her, and she was alone in our home, and could not make her payments. I showed up with cash to bail her out, and it spurred our reconciliation.


----------



## thatdog

I have a bad feeling Midlo only asked about the details of the 2 nights and not about other men or other times with the AP. You


----------



## sa58

What is your plan for moving forward ?
She told the Om she was fully committed 
to you ? Then why did it happen in the first place?
How committed to you is she ? What if any price has she
paid for doing this ? Om probably did not want a relationship
just what he got SEX. How do you plan on making sure it does not 
happen again with someone else ? You need to think 
about a lot of things yet. Does she plan on still traveling for
work? Temptation may happen again did once maybe again ?


----------



## sokillme

Midlo2004 said:


> We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


You're happy huh? Wouldn't be my reaction. But to each his own I guess. Wonder how you will feel 5 years from now, guys who rug-sweep usually sabotage themselves because they wake up one day and are like WTF why did I agree to so little. Hope for your sake it's not you. Time will tell. Maybe you just don't care about your wife's fidelity though I guess.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Midlo2004 said:


> She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family.


Without demanding the poly, would you be in the place you are now?

Did she agree to the poly or did you have to give an ultimatum?

I don't quite get the "OM will get hurt." OM knew your wife was married to you. I guess he didn't care too much about any comeuppance from you, in the workplace, or otherwise. He got two nights of insatiable sex with a hot (I'm assuming) woman he desired greatly. I don't see any hurt coming his way at all. Was your wife under the assumption that OM had "deep feelings" for her?

Kind of like the opposite of the cliched affair - she only wanted sex, he was the one who "caught the feels" (as the cheaters like to say)?


----------



## OutofRetirement

By the way, I'm glad you got the answers you'd hoped for.

What did she say or do to make you think she wouldn't do it again if slightly buzzed and another guy around?


----------



## ConanHub

She still working with him huh?

Methinks you are far too hung up on her.

You probably need work on your self worth.

You don't come across as respecting yourself or thinking very much of yourself.

How powerful of a man are you?

Do you have a strong identity outside of the facade you have built up about your wife?

It is obvious she is at least partially a big piece of **** 💩 to the objective observer.

Maybe you need to alter your possibly flawed perceptions of her and yourself.

I'm not pro divorce or reconciliation but I am pro health.

You don't come across as healthy my friend.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Midlo2004 said:


> Poly done and she has been truthful. I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


What exactly did you ask her (or have the examiner ask her) during the poly?

She gave you some more details about the two times. Why didn't she feel guilt the second time but not the first?
Why did she not use protection the second time but did the first time? What is her assurance that she will not do this again based on? After all, he has a thicker ****, can go all night, she is attracted to him and she enjoyed the sex. So why not do it again?


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> Poly done and she has been truthful. I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


So when is she quitting her job?


----------



## Midlo2004

So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Midlo, while i am glad this was a first, i hope you are not just going to mark it off as a one off, you realize she was having an affair, that they met more then once, that she pursued after his rejection and that they will still work together...and finally that she had no regards for your feelings or respect...this is FAR from over...but if from here you want to stick your head in the sand, at least take her up on having your own affair...i see that as your own consolation prize.


----------



## Evinrude58

Midlo2004 said:


> Poly done and she has been truthful. I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. * She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. *We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


She actually said this with a straight face? Or was the “thick” giggle in there somewhere?
You do realize that comment is laughable, right?
She’s telling you matter-of-factly that she just ducked this guy for her own selfish sexual pleasure and that she felt he might actually have feelings for her.

She is telling you that she:
A) is willing to have sex with a guy she finds attractive as long as no emotions are involved.
B) had no feelings for the guy and ducked him anyway,just for sport.

You have zero chance of having a monogamous relationship with a person that thinks this way.

You have an open marriage, you just don’t know it yet. 

I’m sorry, your wife doesn’t have a clue what loyalty is in a normal sense.

I’d say she might have some deep psychiatric problems. Good luck,..,.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


Don’t apologize for wanting to reconcile. You need to do what is best for you. I can attest to the “torch and pitchfork” brigade on here. I have a successful R going on 2 1/2 years, and I was accused of rug sweeping, and a multitude of other negative comments about me. Some of these folks would have wanted to high five me if I kicked my FWW to the curb. The one thing posters need to understand is there is no “one size fits all”for infidelity. Each situation is unique. Each betrayed spouse has to decide the best course of action for them whether it be D or R. 

Best of luck to you. You can work through this.


----------



## Archangel2

Lonely husband 42301 said:


> Don’t apologize for wanting to reconcile. You need to do what is best for you. I can attest to the “torch and pitchfork” brigade on here. I have a successful R going on 2 1/2 years, and I was accused of rug sweeping, and a multitude of other negative comments about me. Some of these folks would have wanted to high five me if I kicked my FWW to the curb. The one thing posters need to understand is there is no “one size fits all”for infidelity. Each situation is unique. Each betrayed spouse has to decide the best course of action for them whether it be D or R.
> 
> Best of luck to you. You can work through this.


Midlo - Latecomer to this thread. I suggest your read LH's thread in the Private section to see the hell he went through to arrive at Reconciliation. I hope for your sake you attain the peace that you seek and the confidence that she will never do this again.


----------



## Decorum

Seems like she was a bit of an idealistic good girl, she became a little disillusioned, acted outside her character, and pulled back.

Who knows this may be a one time thing for her. Hope so.

The biggest danger might be years from now when she nears the wall.
Something to be aware of.

Best of luck Mildo


----------



## kekkek

Lostinthought61 said:


> Midlo, while i am glad this was a first, i hope you are not just going to mark it off as a one off, you realize she was having an affair, that they met more then once, that she pursued after his rejection and that they will still work together...and finally that she had no regards for your feelings or respect...this is FAR from over...but if from here you want to stick your head in the sand, at least take her up on having your own affair...i see that as your own consolation prize.


I have been saying for a while now that the hall pass is his best bet. Midlo just doesn't seem like the kind of guy to care much about the other body parts that might have been inside his wife. Since he has been consistent about that, he might as well enjoy the perks of an open marriage.


----------



## ConanHub

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


Two degrees and army experience doesn't make you a powerful individual.

You still have a wife that very easily cucked you and went distances with her lover in the bedroom she never approached with you and giggled about his thick penis.

She still works with him. You seem about as intimidating as Winnie the Pooh right now.

I sincerely hope for your health and that of your children because none of you deserve the idiotic behavior of your wife.

I hope she eventually grows up but it is clear that you do not merit very high levels of respect and adoration from her.

You also seem to have limited identity outside of her.


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


So when is she quitting her job?


----------



## jsmart

During the poly, was she asked point blank if she has had sex with any OM during your marriage? Poly are not good at spotting lying in complicated questions. Simple yes or no questions are best

If you want to R so quickly after this betrayal, then she MUST QUIT THIS JOB. No more traveling jobs. PERIOD.

If she remains at this job, this affair will continue. This high level executive POS has money, and will willingly pay to fly to a "conference" for a sure thing of hot sex. Even if they don't continue for now, seeing him next year will have all those feeling rushing back again. 

Also don't by the I was tipsy and can't remember, she remembers VIVIDLY the details of their sex. 


BTW: Having sex 4 times over a 4 hour sexathon is not out of the ordinary for sex with a new person. She's not willing to get you back up for repeat performance but this guy (probably late 40s) was most likely brought up.


----------



## Taxman

Midlo
I am definitely not in the divorce brigade, I am for consequences for actions. I have been successfully reconciled for over 30 years. What I am saying is that infidelity cannot be rugswept. It will rear its ugly head once more if not decisively dealt with. A bums rush to kiss and make up may lead to a repeat transgression. We learned that there is a definite cost to infidelity. Paying that price hurt.


----------



## oldtruck

Is WW leaving the job so she will have NC with the OM?


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## sokillme

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


Why do you care what we think anyway, like you said your happy right? I mean your a guy who just found out his wife cheated on him twice not too long ago and had to take her to a polygraph examiner to prove she was telling the truth, and you describe those events as making you happy. Something is just off with that, it's tragic. Which suggest to me that you are not really dealing with this stuff but desperately trying to pretend like it never happened because you don't want to deal with it. So you know what I am going to ask you if you are sure that's not what your doing? Because if you are eventually the whole thing will collapse. 

As proven by reading on here and other sites, lots of guys who do just what you are doing wake up one day after the initial trauma is over, when they feel confident in their marriage and start to think about what she did to you and become decidedly less happy. They think, you know I deserve better and then they leave. I think that because I have read that story many times. Finally you were determined to stay with her no matter what. She knows that too, which doesn't give you a lot of leverage. Your every actions screams, I love you no matter what, why don't you love me!! So I hope she is working on herself because these are not mistakes but results of poor character. Plus seems like she is going to continue to stay in the same situation that she was in that got her there in the first place. Also not a good sign, she has proven not to be morally strong enough to handle that. 

Lastly your wife is a jerk and frankly a pretty cruel lady, she is either could care less about you or is clueless, to laugh and tell you he is thick is just beyond mean. You deserve better even if you don't accept that. Those are not the actions of someone who loves someone else. Frankly anyone who is decent deserves better. The only question you should be asking is is she "completely devoted to our marriage and family." because all her actions have been a resounding NO. Don't know why you think that is going to change. Your life though, hope it works out for you and I am wrong.


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## ABHale

Midlo2004 said:


> Just details of those two nights. She answered my questions. Why? How? How did it get there? Many specific questions I had about those two nights.


So what questions did you ask. Because what you are saying doesn’t make any sense. 

Polygraph is normally four direct questions that a trained tech goes through with the subject. 

It’s not you seating there asking her questions one after another. 

I’m sorry but this doesn’t ring true.


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## Gabriel

Some people just don't care what their wives do as long as they are honest about it.

I'm out.


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## ABHale

thatdog said:


> I have a bad feeling Midlo only asked about the details of the 2 nights and not about other men or other times with the AP. You


I don’t believe he asked anything.


----------



## GusPolinski

Midlo2004 said:


> Just details of those two nights. She answered my questions. Why? How? How did it get there? Many specific questions I had about those two nights.


So you didn’t even think to ask about whether or not she’d ever cheated before?

Or whether or not she’s still cheating?

:lol: :rofl:


----------



## ABHale

GusPolinski said:


> So you didn’t even think to ask about whether or not she’d ever cheated before?
> 
> Or whether or not she’s still cheating?
> 
> :lol: :rofl:


Gus, have you ever heard of a poly going like this?


----------



## GusPolinski

ABHale said:


> Gus, have you ever heard of a poly going like this?


Nope. It’s usually yes/no questions.


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## ABHale

GusPolinski said:


> Nope. It’s usually yes/no questions.


Remember the thread where the guy claimed he walked in on his gf and best friend I think it was. 

Then he had the flu for like a month.


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## Handy

TAM, Midlo2004, did what he thinks is best for him and his family. I find this forum way too pro divorce.

I am certain he will have his eyes and ears open to any potential future affair potential. With his degrees and 04 status he knows a thing or two.

Midlo2004, best wishes and healing to you and your family.


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## manfromlamancha

She ****ed a guy 4 times bareback in one night and then 45 days later told you about it after guilt. 

Then and only due to pressure from you about calling the POSOM, she tells you about a time before that. Where was the guilt then ? What did she say when you asked her about that ?


And I cannot believe that you took her comment as a positive thing - about telling the other guy that she only ****ed him for enjoyment (probably because of his thick penis), and that he would be the one to get hurt!!! I would say she really has brass balls being able to make a statement like that to you.


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## ktheuerkauf

Wrong is wrong and what she did was just plain wrong. Having sex outside of marriage is wrong, even one time, let alone four. What is she going to do about it? How is she going to change? An apology means nothing unless actions follow. My husband had an emotional affair and never apologized for it. In fact, he made it my fault and continues to have a friendship with the woman he had relations with. Now we are getting divorced. Really examine her apology and talk about how you can make this situation better.


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## ConanHub

Handy said:


> TAM, Midlo2004, did what he thinks is best for him and his family. I find this forum way too pro divorce.
> 
> I am certain he will have his eyes and ears open to any potential future affair potential. With his degrees and 04 status he knows a thing or two.
> 
> Midlo2004, best wishes and healing to you and your family.


We just aren't pro affair. This situation still stinks to high heaven.


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## Nucking Futs

I'm expecting a river rat situation to develop.


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## Malaise

Midlo2004 said:


> *So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce*, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


I'm pro self respect.


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## PDXGuardsman

stillthinking said:


> She can’t remember. Classic.
> 
> 
> 
> She was buzzed but coherent. Had the presence of mind to not pressured into anything. Yet cannot recall the sex? The positions? Oral?
> 
> 
> 
> Really? Just all lost in the ethers?
> 
> 
> 
> Well if you decide to stay married to her, and if she keeps traveling for work, you should budget for quarterly polygraphs.




I wouldn’t waste a dime on a polygraph...if you can’t trust your own wife to be monogamous and faithful in a marriage it’s time to move on...divorce is hard but you and you and your kids will survive. Many people go through divorce and survive and go on to find new loving and faithful partners. Just because she confessed to you doesn’t make what she did okay or mean she isn’t capable of doing it again. 

On another note, you mentioned that it was a Director from her company she had the affair with...yes affair...the sex was going on for (maybe)one night but the flirtation and verbal foreplay was going on longer...most companies have pretty obvious rules of conduct and I’m guessing some rules were violated here especially at a work related event...just thought you should know that you have many options...of course I would recommend consulting both a marriage and family therapist and a good lawyer first.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

Nucking Futs said:


> I'm expecting a river rat situation to develop.


Yeah, or a ohforanewme on SI.


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## PDXGuardsman

Does she have a drinking problem? And why are you worried about how many times she did it with the guy? That is weird...who cares...you must have some serious insecurities when it comes to your own sexuality. Especially now...the issue IMHO is not about how many times she did it with someone she works with in one night...the issue is infidelity. Marriages do recover from this...but it takes hard work and trust...since you mentioned alcohol was involved...I’d look closely at this...alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful...I can tell you that I would separate from my wife immediately, take my kids with me, call a lawyer and consider calling the HR director of the company my “wife” works for. This is not a sex issue. This is a fidelity issue.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Handy

ConanHub, I know people on TAM are anti-affairs but if you were to read affair forums, haven't had sex in 5 to 10 years, read swinger forums, read super religious marriage forums, you would eventually see some people are flawed so don't expect perfection 99.95% of the time.

You would also see you can not make anyone do or listen to Your good, personal bent, or bad advice. OP's are going to do what they are going to do. Scuba Steve said he was done, other people want to try to R, a few make it doing the R. Some make it through R but are not happy or are constantly in fear an affair will happen again. Some say the M is better than it ever had been.

The way I see OP, he seems to have the skills to maybe make this R work or make it work for some time. The future is actually not set in stone.

As I see things, the more TAMers want OP to divorce, the more he is going to resist. Look at how many people just stop posting because they hear the same thing over and over. On another forum I was called a troll because there men were the enemy/jerks/evil/only think with their little head/etc and women were so abused by men it just wasn't fair.

Well, I still post sometimes on that left behind spouse forum (95% female) 10 years later. Maybe I am not a troll but I am a person with an opinion that rubs the peanut gallery the wrong way.


----------



## Evinrude58

Handy said:


> ConanHub, I know people on TAM are anti-affairs but if you were to read affair forums, haven't had sex in 5 to 10 years, read swinger forums, read super religious marriage forums, you would eventually see some people are flawed so don't expect perfection 99.95% of the time.
> 
> You would also see you can not make anyone do or listen to Your good, personal bent, or bad advice. OP's are going to do what they are going to do. Scuba Steve said he was done, other people want to try to R, a few make it doing the R. Some make it through R but are not happy or are constantly in fear an affair will happen again. Some say the M is better than it ever had been.
> 
> *The way I see OP, he seems to have the skills to maybe make this R work or make it work for some time. * The future is actually not set in stone.[/QUOTE
> 
> What skills are you seeing that I’m not?
> Being able to deny the obvious, look the other way, ignore obvious things that his wife has said to show him how she views her affair (NOT a one night stand)..
> 
> I guess his apparent good temper and laid back attitude are good skills. Are these the one you speak of?
> 
> From my experience, going nuclear and filing for divorce and breaking all contact with a wayward wife is the only thing I’ve seen effective at changing their mindset. The skills OP has that I’ve seen are helpful to a man that has a remorseful wife who wants to rebuild her relationship...
> 
> The thing is, there’s no evidence that OP is even out of infidelity yet. He believes everything she says in spite of being a proven liar, and she still works with her OM.
> 
> His wife, if this is real, doesn’t even really have any regret, certainly no remorse, because she doesn’t seem to think having sex with a man other than her husband is wrong unless there are feelings involved.
> 
> How can one believe a person with this perspective could be faithful?


----------



## sokillme

Handy said:


> ConanHub, I know people on TAM are anti-affairs but if you were to read affair forums, haven't had sex in 5 to 10 years, read swinger forums, read super religious marriage forums, you would eventually see some people are flawed so don't expect perfection 99.95% of the time.
> 
> You would also see you can not make anyone do or listen to Your good, personal bent, or bad advice. OP's are going to do what they are going to do. Scuba Steve said he was done, other people want to try to R, a few make it doing the R. Some make it through R but are not happy or are constantly in fear an affair will happen again. Some say the M is better than it ever had been.
> 
> The way I see OP, he seems to have the skills to maybe make this R work or make it work for some time. The future is actually not set in stone.
> 
> As I see things, the more TAMers want OP to divorce, the more he is going to resist. Look at how many people just stop posting because they hear the same thing over and over. On another forum I was called a troll because there men were the enemy/jerks/evil/only think with their little head/etc and women were so abused by men it just wasn't fair.
> 
> Well, I still post sometimes on that left behind spouse forum (95% female) 10 years later. Maybe I am not a troll but I am a person with an opinion that rubs the peanut gallery the wrong way.


Really? From everything I have read I think there is really only one real path to recover. Most can't do it, doesn't mean the marriage ends but they don't recover. Even if you DO everything right, it still doesn't mean you have it in you to recover, just means you have a better chance. OP's way though, by acting like everything is fine now is NOT the way to recover. If anything it's going to make recovery impossible. I think that is what everyone here is trying to tell him, to help him. They are actually helping him MUCH more then the people cheering him on. 

I don't know what skills you see, all I have seen in this thread is a strong desire to rug sweep and wish this all away. It's like cancer you got to cut it out and deal with it before you can heal. It doesn't go away by wishing.


----------



## ConanHub

I actually take back my Winnie the Pooh statement.

The Pooh has far more influence than OP.


----------



## colingrant

Midlo2004 said:


> Poly done and she has been truthful. I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. *She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family.* We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


He's not hurt. He got what he wanted, and that wasn't necessarily her. Doesn't matter though if she's truthful and committed. Move forward with vigilance and don't rug sweep. She has to get to the why's. Don't allow her to self-diagnose.


----------



## drifting on

Midlo

I sent you a pm about reconciliation of divorce, the decision you will be making. Only you know what is best for you, only you will know when you are healed, and only you can make the choice to reconcile or divorce. In my case my wife ended the affair two and a half years before d-day. My wife had plenty of time to be remorseful, to learn what she needed to do, and with therapy has become a far better person. With all that going for her, being remorseful will only aid your reconciliation, it’s much more then just being remorseful. 

Many posters here helped me, I hope you will still be posting even if people just continue to say divorce and run. Use the posts that help you, disregard the rest, then apply what you have just learned. Whatever you decide I will support your decision, if, if what you decide is best for you. I also recommend individual therapy for both of you, you may think you are fine, but I would do it if I were you. 

Hope to see you posting again.


----------



## PreRaph

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


I wouldn't go that far. It 's just that so many posters here have seen it over and over again.

You want to reconcile. That's ok, but realize what it will take for a real reconciliation. You cannot "nice guy" or plead your wife into reconciling, nor will any other means of soft or hard coercion work. She has to be willing to go the distance, the WHOLE distance. 

Simply understand this much: you are far from out of the woods just because your wife says at this moment she's willing. Take that with a grain of salt. It takes a lot more than that, and you have a long, long way to go. The first thing you need to regain is your own self-respect. Without that, forget it.


----------



## Knips

What worries me is: when you asked about his member she giggles and said "thick". I mean, if she really would be remorsefull she would have tried to minimize that question. But giggling and replying thick... You got you're answerd why she could be doing him whole night. You're wife is a size queen. Now she has tasted from the pleasure from his well endowed member she will seek for that pleasure again in the future. Probably she will come into remorsefull state and maybe attend a few meetings with a Marriage counselor, but high possibility she will go underground and seek out big members. Also high possibility it isn't a one night stand but a full blown affair that is going one for years. Again a real remorsefull wife would not speak about the member of the OM and would not speak about how much better OM was in sex because this is very hurtfull to hear for the betrayed spouse. Be carefull, some STD can only be found 6 weeks after they are contracted.


----------



## southernplus40

It is true that there is a faction that looks at divorce as the answer to infidelity because of the assault on trust that infidelity creates. They have their reasons. One thing you need to do is not abandon the forum because there is no unanimity as to how to proceed or because it takes you to uncomfortable places in your mind. You need the benefit of the forum members experiences and in the give and take between forum members. You seem most reluctant to look at any other point of view when dealing with your wife. You still believe that the woman who lied to you at least twice about something as violent as infidelity would not lie to you again. I believe that this will be detrimental to your future with your wife. You need to understand that the advice given is generally heartfelt concern even though you are technically a stranger. Yes, you do have to deal with the occasional snarky smug insensitive a..holes. Skip right over their comments and move on. I would urge you to not stop listening to everyone on the forum because of those people. 
You also need to know that the best advice to your situation comes with additional personal info and input. Your input has been sparse. On the one occasion that you have acted on advice from members of the forum you have found additional omissions in your wife’s story. Having read the thread from the beginning a couple of times I believe that you are still in denial. You are still acting like a white knight defending your spouse and her boundaries. Participation in the forum does have benefits both now and in the future for both of you, whether reconciled or divorced.
Given the vagueness of your post-polygraph responses we have no idea what questions were asked or what discoveries were made either before or during the polygraph. No input was sort by you from the vets on the forum prior to the polygraph. In fact, I am sure that I am not the only one reading your post wondering if there was a polygraph at all. Other than tears (I assume), have there been any consequences ? A change in employment? A curtailment of travel? Anything ? I was incredulous when you wrote that three weeks after you wife’s “confession” she was back on the road. Has your sex life and frequency of intimacy changed. Open up to this group a little. We are all in the same boat. And we are all anonymous thanks to the format. Help us help you. This is not a battle but an all out war for your marriage, family and life.


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## Beach123

I respect your decision and will continue interacting here when you need support.

The main thing from here moving forward is...do NOT allow her to think for one minute that she holds the power.

Maintain your power by not handing it over to her at any time. Also know clearly where your boundary is!

If you need help in this key area seek professional help from a counselor.


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## Hexagon

There really is only a couple of things to point out.
1. Shes cheated more than once and lied about it
2. He's stated that it "kind of" turns him on.


Midlo, man....you've set your own house on fire.


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## Taxman

Midlo is looking for that magical suggestion that will un-fu ck his wife. That way he can go on his merry way and not have to think that he is married to a monster. Midlo, do yourself a major favor; forgive her completely. We will see you in about six months to a year. Sad thing, sir, is that she will realize that it is so easy to cuckold you, she will lose every speck of respect she has for you and this marriage and become the town bicycle in very short order. Everyone here has been where you or your wife is. Our experience is incontrovertible. This will come back unless you deal with it decisively right fu cking now.

I have seen reactions to affairs, some extreme, some not. Midlo is practicing quiet acquiesence. I have seen men cripple their wives. I have seen women disappear off the face of the earth (once with their children, once not). I have seen women and men kept virtual prisioners by their BH. I rarely see spouses doing nothing but the pick me dance. Yup, if history teaches me anything, it is that Midlo will be here in a year. She will have done it again, this time more spectacularly.


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## badmemory

Midlo2004 said:


> *Poly done and she has been truthful.* I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


Hmmmm....... OP I hope you were truthful with us and your wife actually took and passed a poly; instead of your irritation with some posters causing you to end the thread by saving face. You're awfully sparse on the details.

But, good luck in your R either way.


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## badmemory

Midlo2004 said:


> *Poly done and she has been truthful.* I've asked a lot of questions over the last few nights leading up to the poly and she was truthful and revealed many more details and those two times that she slept with him. We are happily moving forward. She actually told the OM that he was the one that would get hurt because she is committed to me and her family. We have both been upfront and honest with each other since she got home. Thank you all for your time, input, and advice.


Hmmmm....... OP I hope you were truthful with us and your wife actually took and passed a poly; instead of letting your irritation with some posters cause you to end the thread by saving face. You're awfully sparse on the details.

But, good luck in your R either way.


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## hardwired

Midlo2004 said:


> Oh no, I was really hurt and completely shocked. It's not about him going 4 times, it's that why would my wife had wanted it 4 times, when for us, after one time, she is good to go and satisfied. And you are right, I think she told me because she was worried about the STD part. And yes, I believe she compartmentalized, because our first discussions were, weren't you thinking about us? Wouldn't that have made you stop? Or even after the first time of having sex with him, why didn't you stop them?....She says, that she wasn't even thinking about her family at all. She didn't think about me or comparing him to me at all either. So you really think she has done this another time? OH GET THIS....this is what kills me.....she has actually accused me of cheating twice over the last 3 years when she began travelling....yeah, that's what's crazy.


One time, 4 times, 32.5 times...that's really irrelevant. Your wife had sex with a man that wasn't you. She emasculated, humiliated, disrespected, shat upon, abused you and put you at risk for STDs.


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## Real talk

Midlo2004 said:


> So apparently based on all the comments that all of you are pro divorce, because it is very apparent that no matter what I say or don't say, you all have a contradictory statement and go against anything I say or do. Yes I am successful and powerful. Two degrees: undergraduate degree in business and an MBA. 04 in the army. We have talked extensively and she and I are completely devoted to our marriage and family. For those that want to keep stirring the pot- PEACE.


What's funny is judging by your actions I would have guessed you were army. I have no idea why but military men are some of the simpiest cucks out there and I don't know why.


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## ABHale

I don’t believe midlo will be back.


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## sokillme

Real talk said:


> What's funny is judging by your actions I would have guessed you were army. I have no idea why but military men are some of the simpiest cucks out there and I don't know why.


I don't think that is true. But if it is maybe it's because they are trained to follow orders and be subservient? Maybe because the Army is the last stop for some dysfunctional people and may even seem appealing precisely because you don't have to have the responsibility of making decisions just following orders? So that same dynamic is followed in the marriage?


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## re16

ABHale said:


> I don’t believe midlo will be back.


I agree. Hopefully we get a 1 year update, set your alarm Midlo.

Best of luck in the R. At least you got some new information based on advice received here so it wasn't all negative....


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## sokillme

ABHale said:


> I don’t believe midlo will be back.


Give him 2 to 5 years.


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## TDSC60

ABHale said:


> I don’t believe midlo will be back.


I started to say he'll be back when she cheats again, but he will not see the red flags and she will not confess unless she really does contract an STD and passes it along to him.


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## Sparta

I don’t know if he’ll be back but I know his wife opened up a can of worms of strange d.ick and she cheating in no time at all... that’s a fact Jack.! He’s too weak for this type of woman I hope he comes back is going to need all help can get.


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## Knips

I would not be able to handle this. If my wife cheats and had a one night stand i would have a very difficult time and she has to put a lot efforts into reconciliation to be able to keep the marriage. But if she brags about the size of the OM tool and brags about how good the sex was she would be out of the door within a minute (even if there are kids) at the end it is the fault from the WW that the family falls apart, not the fault from the BS. A man needs to take control and not be a doormat.


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## Tatsuhiko

Knips said:


> I would not be able to handle this. If my wife cheats and had a one night stand i would have a very difficult time and she has to put a lot efforts into reconciliation to be able to keep the marriage. But if she brags about the size of the OM tool and brags about how good the sex was she would be out of the door within a minute (even if there are kids) at the end it is the fault from the WW that the family falls apart, not the fault from the BS. A man needs to take control and not be a doormat.


You, me, and probably 99% of men think this way. That's what was so puzzling about Midlo's lackluster response. Cheating on me and then giggling about the size of your boyfriend's tool? No, not going to happen in my house.


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## farsidejunky

If the OP returns, I will open the thread back up.

Closing.


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