# Strange situation - need advice



## priorityone (Jun 10, 2014)

Before you think I sound like a crazy jealous woman, please let me give you a little background - or a lot. Sorry if I babble.

I have been married for a long time and together even longer - since we were teenagers - now early 40s. Facebook, ah Facebook, has since brought together a number of past friendships including one between my husband and an old highschool friend who happens to be an attractive woman.

One day last year I opened my Facebook and saw I had a message. I clicked the messages and quickly realized I was not in my FB account, but his. Instead of closing it, I got curious. Yes, go ahead and yell at me. The message was from this girl. In fact it was a long message thread about her failing marriage and him giving marriage advice and talking about some of MY issues. The conversation was very intimate. This hurt. I held it in.

My son told me that daddy had lunch with a girl from highschool a few days later.

I confronted him and asked him about this person. He told me her marriage was failing and he was giving her advice. I told him that she is a woman in a vulnerable spot right now. She told him about sexual issues between she and her husband. I asked him under what authority he had to give advice? 

Apparently they had been meeting for a while and talking. I had never heard of her until a few days before. If such a good friend, why had I never heard of her? I tell him about all of my friends, girl or guy....if I had lunch with someone or got a funny text message. I communicate. 

I told him that I was truly fine with him having "girl" friends but meeting without talking to me or even telling me about it afterwards is NOT ok. Talking about those topics is NOT ok. They really only just reconnected so don't you think a long time friend is better to talk to? Really?

So, we worked through it or so I thought. My husband was running a booth on a show floor a few months later. I was on his business' FB page and noticed a post from this girl stating that his model is ready and will be at the booth - referring to herself as the model. I had offered to help my husband with the booth but no, he asked her. I apparently wasn't pretty enough? Again, he never mentioned anything. Yes, I blew up.

I told him that it wasn't this girl's fault, but I NEVER wanted to meet he now. He had made me THAT uncomfortable. This was apparently unfair and we should go and hang out. RIGHT! 

So, knowing that they were still FB friends I, not proudly, periodically peeked at his FB messages and texts. Nothing much, just some Words with Friends back and forth. It has now been a year and I haven't really checked much in about 6 months. I thought that he now respected this boundary.

Honestly, what bothers me most about this is NOT that I think he is cheating, I really don't think he is and she recently go remarried and seems happy, but that he doesn't communicate with me about this stuff. If he told me he had lunch with so and so....fine. If he told me he got pulled over and got a speeding ticket...fine. It just all feels so secretive because he doesn't and he can look at me with a straight face.

Anyway, I digress. My gut told me to check his phone yesterday. There are lots of text messages between them. He mentions her doing some work for him, meeting for coffee, some inappropriate humor. Seriously? She is doing work for him? I know about a guy who is now doing work for him but if she is also doing work for him why not tell me? Why not tell me he was thinking of asking her to do work for him? Meeting for coffee? Again, I asked that he just tell me if he was going to meet a "girl" friend.

Also, he went to a Bachelor party the other night. He had to be up early the next morning for something with the kids so he promised to not drink to much and that he would be home at a reasonable time. Well, he got pulled over and was joking with a buddy via text that it was good that his buddy's friend had a breathalyzer.

Think he will EVER tell me about this? Hell to the no. I tell him about everything. He tells me only selective things. I know guys do not always communicate as much and he probably doesn't want to make me upset but when I tell him about all of the things I do and say with my friend Steve (who is gay by the way) and he tells me nothing, knowing how upset I had gotten before, it is just so bothersome.

I want to bring it up but I also know I am in the wrong for looking at his phone so don't know my way around that. I just feel hurt right now and don't know how to act or feel. Again, I don't think he is cheating, but he is definitely being secretive. I thought my request was reasonable .


----------



## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Maybe he views his activities as mundane and has no inclination to file a daily report on his activities.


----------



## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I don't think you sound crazy, or even overly jealous. I would have nipped that relationship in the bud the minute my husband started talking to an old "friend" about our relationship.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why do you think that if she is now married there is nothing going on?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I get the feeling that you punish openness by your reactions. So he hides things from you that he knows you'll react badly to, even if he's doing nothing wrong. You've basically trained him to hide from you. Quite successfully I might add.


----------



## funnybunny29 (Apr 1, 2014)

I would have nipped the relationship with her in the bud from the beginning as well. He should never hide any information about a female friend, period. Perhaps you and him need to set some boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with you checking his phone or Facebook so don't feel guilt for doing so.


----------



## JuliannaMills (Jun 11, 2014)

I was thinking it might be the way you react to him telling you those things? That's why he doesn't want to argue because he knows your reaction will end things bad? And may I add still doesn't give him the right to hide the fact he's meeting and messaging with this other woman


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Strange situation - need advice*



WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the feeling that you punish openness by your reactions. So he hides things from you that he knows you'll react badly to, even if he's doing nothing wrong. You've basically trained him to hide from you. Quite successfully I might add.


I dont think this is really fair, do you? It's not like she's upset about his choice of sandwich at lunch that day. These are pretty big things he's hiding.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the feeling that you punish openness by your reactions. So he hides things from you that he knows you'll react badly to, even if he's doing nothing wrong. *You've basically trained him to hide from you. Quite successfully I might add*.


Quite unfair to automatically blame her for his actions.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

He has no right to hide his relationship with this girl from you. He also has no right to even have a relationship with this girl IMO. That in and of itself crosses a boundary and demonstrates a good amount of disrespect for you his wife. I think you should make it simple for him. Explain that marriage means he doesn't get to date other women.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the feeling that you punish openness by your reactions. So he hides things from you that he knows you'll react badly to, even if he's doing nothing wrong. You've basically trained him to hide from you. Quite successfully I might add.


I think there could be merit in this observation. 



nuclearnightmare said:


> He has no right to hide his relationship with this girl from you. He also has no right to even have a relationship with this girl IMO. That in and of itself crosses a boundary and demonstrates a good amount of disrespect for you his wife. I think you should make it simple for him. Explain that marriage means he doesn't get to date other women.


And simultaneously completely agree with this too.

OP - you don't sound like a crazy jealous woman. 
Your relationship needs some TLC though and likely from both sides.


----------



## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

JuliannaMills said:


> I was thinking it might be the way you react to him telling you those things? That's why he doesn't want to argue because he knows your reaction will end things bad? And may I add still doesn't give him the right to hide the fact he's meeting and messaging with this other woman


Correct.

Let's dissect this and see what happens.


1/ Is the fact that dh has an amical relation with a woman -whom he knows since highschool, is happily married and sometimes works with- inappropriate per se? 

2/ If the answer is maybe, under which circumstances would it be OK?

3/ Why is dh not telling about things like that? (because the motive for not telling is of the utmost importance here, seems like).

OP?


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Obviously we don't know the whole background of your marriage and if things have happened in the past to cause your husband to not share with you, but....

1. It is not crazy or intrusive to expect to know who your spouse is talking to, having lunch with, etc. Or to expect to read each others facebook, emails, etc.

2. It is totally inappropriate to have an intimate relationship (which I feel this was, is) with another person when you are married.

3. It seems to me that your husband, for what ever reason, wants a private life that doesn't include you. Even if that life is not sharing about getting pulled over or having other friends, etc.

4. It also seems that your husband was, is, having an emotional affair with this woman. That is probably the biggest reason for not sharing any of this with you.

So, has your husband always been "private" or is this new? Are there any issues in your relationship that would cause him to become this way - no sex, weight gain (by you), lack of attention, feeling unfulfilled in his job, etc.? He may also be entering into andropause (male menopause), or this may just be his true colors, don't know.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sounds like a permutation of "Honey, I didn't tell you because I knew you would get made" is shaping up........ The response to that is "Honey, if you knew -- or even thought that I would get mad-- then why would you even do it?"


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> He has no right to hide his relationship with this girl from you. He also has no right to even have a relationship with this girl IMO. That in and of itself crosses a boundary and demonstrates a good amount of disrespect for you his wife. I think you should make it simple for him. Explain that marriage means he doesn't get to date other women.


He also has no right to even have a relationship with this girl?? WOW. What do you base that on? Where are these "rights" written down?

I know many people on TAM have very strong feelings against OS friendships. Heck, some people on TAM are even against SS friendships outside marriage!

But if the OP's husband was cheating, he wouldn't leave his Facebook open and his phone lying around. When you simplify this situation down, he hasn't really done anything wrong except discuss his own marital problems with her. That's it.


----------



## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

This is an interesting discussion. 

In the end, if the relationship with an ex (or former friend) makes the married partner uncomfortable, then out of respect for the partner you end it. I asked my gf to cut off any communication with her ex, she doesn't really agree its necessary, but she did it for me. And even though I would never actually login to her accounts I have access to all her accounts, and she has access to mine. 

So from my point of view this relationship makes you uncomfortable and it shouldn't be that important to your husband, so why is he trying to defend it? Just let it go for the marriage. My GF had asked me what I would have done if she had said no -- I would have been hurt, just like the OP is here.


----------



## priorityone (Jun 10, 2014)

hi all,
OP here. My husband and I are best friends. We have been together for a VERY long time. He is a chatty guy. He is a salesman. He does tell me a lot about a lot of things. Certain things, however, seem to "slip his mind." These things, however, are usually the things that may cause conflict or are the really important things. He has told me that sometimes he just doesn't want me to feel the stress of a situation so he just holds it in like a martyr.

The only reason I am even remotely upset about the situation with this woman is because of how it all started - talking about OUR relationship and MY problems with a girl I had never met or heard about who was having relationship problems of her own. It just seemed like a path to an affair to me! If it was really so innocent, why not just tell me that you had lunch with an old friend today. We would then have a conversation. He would mention that she is going through a rough time. We would talk about it. He would say he mentioned me and my issues. I would nix it and ask him to NOT do that. 

Instead (and I won't totally rehash too much) I found out secondhand about the lunch and other communications and asking her to help with something instead of me - yeah, I was upset. We even talked about it after the lunch. I told him that, because of how it all went down, that I was now uncomfortable with him communicating with her and I, myself, had no interest in meeting her. If I saw her it would just stir up bad feelings and I couldn't be friends with her because of that. It wouldn't be fair to her. I was just being honest. He even agreed to not meet her, talk to her privately and if he wanted to meet her, etc. to just talk to me first. If I were going to hang out with a guy friend you bet I would talk to him!

I am actually the more calm individual in our relationship. I speak calmly and it takes a lot to rile me. This girl is pretty and now newly married. She, from her responses to my husband, does not seem to be interested in him "that way" but I admit that my husband's comments to her show that he is, at least he has a crush. I asked him outright and he denied it, of course.

If you look at the timing of the texts they seem to be more when I am out of town or if we had a fight or if I was not feeling all that great. Basically, the second it isn't ideal he is looking for other female comfort - maybe not sexually, but definitely emotionally. He has a light in his eyes when he talks about her, too, which really bothers me. But, he only talks about her if I ask him outright despite our agreement that he would tell me if he was going to communicate with her OR any woman for that matter.

On the other hand he treats me like a queen. If I didn't look at that darn phone I would be blissfully unaware. But, I did look and now cannot get it out of my head.

By the way, he keeps everything password protected and does not share those passwords with me. I happen to know the one to his phone (he didn't tell me). Telling him I looked would start a huge something. I do feel bad for snooping but followed my gut.

Maybe I just need to bring something up casually.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You really need this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

It's all about this VERY thing.

Your feelings are completely right. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Your husband has opened windows with this woman and put up walls with you. She is not a friend of your marriage, and therefore has no place in your marriage.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My impression is that he's not cheating, but is walking a very dangerous path, and it's time for some hardcore mate guarding on your part.

I don't think you're being jealous, but I do think that he is conflict-avoidant, and he knows what he's doing is going to concern you but is doing it anyway. Maybe you need to alter the interaction, but he needs to up his maturity in this a lot.

Not a good comparison, but I do have a jealous wife. If I did half this stuff, the locks would have been changed and lawyers phoned by this point.


----------

