# How to handle?



## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

I and my husband have been married for 2.5 years. Everything, in the beginning, was great. We talked, we spent time together. Over the years, a lot has happened. His family always some drama going on. I stay out of it and away from it. He was married before for 11 years. They have two kids together, they are now ages 20, and 18. He and his ex talk all the time on the phone. They can talk for hours about nothing at all. I have expressed to him that I do not like that she calls him. She tends to play the damsel in distress. She called him when she was in an accident, she calls him when she has her own drama. She is also remarried. My husband tends to look at my feelings on the topic as if they don't matter. He has even said to me that if I don't like her calling him, that I can tell her to stop. My view on that is, I do not want to create any drama between me and his son's bc, I am feeling this way. I have asked him to put boundaries in place however, he dismisses me. I just want to know how I should handle this situation. Not to mention the fact that we now never spend time together and we are not intimate.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> I and my husband have been married for 2.5 years. Everything, in the beginning, was great. We talked, we spent time together. Over the years, a lot has happened. His family always some drama going on. I stay out of it and away from it. He was married before for 11 years. They have two kids together, they are now ages 20, and 18. He and his ex talk all the time on the phone. They can talk for hours about nothing at all. I have expressed to him that I do not like that she calls him. She tends to play the damsel in distress. She called him when she was in an accident, she calls him when she has her own drama. She is also remarried. My husband tends to look at my feelings on the topic as if they don't matter. He has even said to me that if I don't like her calling him, that I can tell her to stop. My view on that is, I do not want to create any drama between me and his son's bc, I am feeling this way. I have asked him to put boundaries in place however, he dismisses me. I just want to know how I should handle this situation. Not to mention the fact that we now never spend time together and we are not intimate.


Hi, thanks for sharing your situation. 
This is a tough one. I have to ask, were they in communication like this while you were courting/dating? How long did you guys date before marriage?


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Hi, thanks for sharing your situation.
> This is a tough one. I have to ask, were they in communication like this while you were courting/dating? How long did you guys date before marriage?


While we were dating, I can’t say whether or not they talked like this. Every-time that I was around they did not. It seems to have become more and more over the past year. We dated for about a year


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

It's all about boundaries. You can make your boundaries clear with him about what you expect, and you can come up with consequences for when those boundaries are violated. That gives him the decision as to whether or not he wants to continue the behavior that very obviously violates your boundary, or if he wants to discontinue the behavior to show you the respect you deserve. It's the sticking to what you say is going to happen if those boundaries are violated though. Consistency there is key. If he violates that boundary, and what you say is going to happen doesn't happen, well....it will just keep happening as he has no reason NOT to continue.

Create a boundary and stick to it.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Him talking so much to her is not great but you two not spending time together & no longer being intimate is a huge problem. 

Step one -- you need a date night. Arrange it & seduce him. If that doesn't work you need to point blank ask him if he's still invested in your marriage.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> While we were dating, I can’t say whether or not they talked like this. Every-time that I was around they did not. It seems to have become more and more over the past year. We dated for about a year


Well, even so, I certainly wouldn't want my husband helping anyone but me. That goes for a first marriage or a second marriage. You mentioned this lady is remarried. Why isn't her husband jumping to her rescue? You're going to have to keep talking about it calmly until it gets in his head. It's one thing if they need to discuss things regarding their kids, but there's no need for them to have a friendship, if that's what one would consider it.

Also, why are you not spending time together or intimate? Is he resentful? Are you?


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Well, even so, I certainly wouldn't want my husband helping anyone but me. That goes for a first marriage or a second marriage. You mentioned this lady is remarried. Why isn't her husband jumping to her rescue? You're going to have to keep talking about it calmly until it gets in his head. It's one thing if they need to discuss things regarding their kids, but there's no need for them to have a friendship, if that's what one would consider it.
> 
> Also, why are you not spending time together or intimate? Is he resentful? Are you?


We aren’t spending time together because, most of the time we have my kids. When they leave which is rarely, he doesn’t feel great so, I don’t push it. He got a transplant in September for a kidney. So, it’s been a long road to recovery. We also aren’t intimate because, of that. I don’t have to be necessarily intimate to feel loved but, we don’t even do the little things. Cuddle, kiss, hold hands


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> We aren’t spending time together because, most of the time we have my kids. When they leave which is rarely, he doesn’t feel great so, I don’t push it. He got a transplant in September for a kidney. So, it’s been a long road to recovery. We also aren’t intimate because, of that. I don’t have to be necessarily intimate to feel loved but, we don’t even do the little things. Cuddle, kiss, hold hands


Oh ok. My best friend has had 2 kidney transplants. It's rough to say the least. Have you asked him why no little things?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The type of closeness your husband is sharing with his ex is not healthy. The time and emotional energy he gives her, is coming straight out your marriage. Maybe you can reach out to her husband to inform him about how much time his wife is spending talking to your husband.

I would be concerned that they not develop a FWB , if they don’t already have such a thing going. An ex is dangerous because the path to intimacy so short. They already know each other like a book.


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Oh ok. My best friend has had 2 kidney transplants. It's rough to say the least. Have you asked him why no little things?


He says that’s how he grew up.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> He says that’s how he grew up.


Yeah, but was he like that while you guys were dating?


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Yeah, but was he like that while you guys were dating?


No. It was all the time but, we would hold hands and kiss. We would cuddle when watching tv or going to sleep


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> No. It was all the time but, we would hold hands and kiss. We would cuddle when watching tv or going to sleep


So, it would seem like he's making excuses. That's not good.


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> So, it would seem like he's making excuses. That's not good.


I’m afraid of that


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Why did he divorce his EX Wife?


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Why did he divorce his EX Wife?


She cheated through out their entire marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband has no boundaries. You get to pay for his shortcomings.

Why stay in this?


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## Jusme33 (May 6, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Your husband has no boundaries. You get to pay for his shortcomings.
> 
> Why stay in this?


I stay because, I love him and I don’t give up easily. I want to fight for marriage


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jusme33 said:


> I stay because, I love him and I don’t give up easily. I want to fight for marriage


If he’s not willing to fight for the marriage it’ll probably be a lost cause. You can’t do this alone.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You mentioned that you’re not spending anytime together because your kids are practically always home. How is the relationship between your kids and your husband? Is he indifferent with your kids? 

Has his emotional distance started with an up tic in his communication with his ex? 

How long was your husband married to his exWW? And how long have they been apart? 

She may have ripped his heart to shreds with her affair(s) but he may have left only because he felt he had no choice not because he actually wanted to leave her.

If you want to fight for this marriage, you may need to enlist the help of her husband. He has as much at stake as you do.

Lastly, I think you need to do a little digging to make sure there’s not some EA/ PA going on. Do not be concerned about invading his privacy, he’s your husband, so you should have access to everything.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your not fighting for marriage.... you just swinging at thin air. It takes two.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

The fact he talks so much to someone who cheated on him is a huge red flag. As others wiser than me have commented, that's just not right or normal.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

So many things to unravel here as your situation is a fairly complicated one. You both are divorced and have children from previous relationships and presumably, both of your exes are still in the mix. Which of you two began to pull away, physically from the other first? You or him?

Your husband's ex wife, allegedly cheated on him.... and now she is cheating on her new husband, with YOUR husband (EA at a minimum!). There should be NO contact with his ex-wife except regarding the children (and there is NO GRAY AREA HERE), whom by the way are now adults, so even that contact should be dwindling. Your children, being at your home, should NOT prevent intimate time with your hubby. And your husband should NOT be neglecting you, regardless of his medical condition. In all reality, he should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a loyal, loving wife who is willing to help him with his medical condition!

Your husband does not respect you or your marriage vows. If you are a "fighter", than you need to put your foot down now and lay down the law. And if he responds in anger, rather than sincere concern for your feelings/needs, than you need to at a minimum, contact a lawyer to begin getting your affairs in order.

I'm sorry that you are here with this problem. You do not deserve what is happening to your marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred bond between two people that makes them focus only on each other. He has broken that bond. And if he belittles you or lashes out at you for having a problem with it, then you know that he is already mentally out of your marriage. All of the other bullsh!t about how he was raised, yada yada yada yada..... is all a smokescreen.

You deserve to be happy with a man that treasures you and puts you on a pedastal. PERIOD!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't fight for anyone that wasn't prioritizing me.

That just projects that you have low self respect and are ok being a doormat.

Tell him that either you become a priority and some boundaries get put into place with the ex or you're gone. His response will tell you a lot.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Jusme33 said:


> I and my husband have been married for 2.5 years. Everything, in the beginning, was great. We talked, we spent time together. Over the years, a lot has happened. His family always some drama going on. I stay out of it and away from it. He was married before for 11 years. They have two kids together, they are now ages 20, and 18. He and his ex talk all the time on the phone. They can talk for hours about nothing at all. I have expressed to him that I do not like that she calls him. She tends to play the damsel in distress. She called him when she was in an accident, she calls him when she has her own drama. She is also remarried. My husband tends to look at my feelings on the topic as if they don't matter. He has even said to me that if I don't like her calling him, that I can tell her to stop. My view on that is, I do not want to create any drama between me and his son's bc, I am feeling this way. I have asked him to put boundaries in place however, he dismisses me. I just want to know how I should handle this situation. Not to mention the fact that we now never spend time together and we are not intimate.



Communication between his ex wife and him should be about kids only. End that today. And ask you husband how he would feel if you and an old boyfriend would chit chat for hours taking time away from the marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He has gone back to his old ways....
Ah, did so, inside of 2.5 years.

He is obviously not over his ex-wife. 
He seems over with pretending that he isn't.

Let him know you are not happy at all.
And, that you may pull the plug on him if he does not see this error in his ways.

Do it now,while you are yet young, instead of later when you are hung....out to dry.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Did she cheat and then leave him, or did he leave her?

It looks like he’s still seeking her approval, probably a people-pleaser. These people are very weak. Unfortunately there’s a void inside of this man that you can’t fill (or anyone else for that matter). Think of it as an addiction of sorts, some people just chase the unavailable because it’s safer. It’s a sad but really pathetic way to live, and you can’t feel sorry for them.

This behaviour tends to often escalate when they do find the right partner, a safe partner. But bang your head on the wall as to why they do this, it’s madness.

So what I would do, is simply let it go and don’t react. Really, he’s digging a hole for himself. You’ve already expressed yourself and told him how this makes you feel. At some point, the husband is going to step in, the ex is going to get such a hold of him that he will suffocate and get himself out, or worst case scenario it goes further. And then his life collapses - and that’s on him.

Imagine you suddenly go dead quiet about the ex? He’s going to start thinking a bit isn’t he? He brings her up, or she calls, and you suddenly have to step out, or call a friend. And you’re in a great mood during that phone call, you’re not going to talk about the kidney transplant, you’re going to talk about how happy you are today! (Even if you feel like poop!)

He runs off to fix her car, you’re in a great mood ‘and by the way take your time hubby, it will give me a chance to finally watch this movie!’ He comes back after slaving for the damsel in distress and you’re so excited about the plot of the film, you are radiant and can’t wait to tell him as soon as he steps in the door! He feels guilty so he might want to talk about how he helped or, or whatever, but you’re not listening! ‘Huh?’ You say? And then you go back to talking about the movie and ask what you’re both having for dinner.

See how that works?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jusme33 said:


> I and my husband have been married for 2.5 years. Everything, in the beginning, was great. We talked, we spent time together. Over the years, a lot has happened. His family always some drama going on. I stay out of it and away from it. He was married before for 11 years. They have two kids together, they are now ages 20, and 18. He and his ex talk all the time on the phone. They can talk for hours about nothing at all. I have expressed to him that I do not like that she calls him. She tends to play the damsel in distress. She called him when she was in an accident, she calls him when she has her own drama. She is also remarried. My husband tends to look at my feelings on the topic as if they don't matter. He has even said to me that if I don't like her calling him, that I can tell her to stop. My view on that is, I do not want to create any drama between me and his son's bc, I am feeling this way. I have asked him to put boundaries in place however, he dismisses me. I just want to know how I should handle this situation. Not to mention the fact that we now never spend time together and we are not intimate.


You are married. But it seems to me that your husband isn't married.

Would counselling be an option? If not, how many other years will you waste on him?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

33, I’ve been around a long time and spent a lot of it mired in the “what goes on when nobody’s looking” side of people. When married folk start preferring to spend time in deep “chitchat” with the opposite sex, or a worse case scenario, the same sex, if they ain’t already f-ing it’s because of logistics. Your old man may be divorced physical but mentally he still has the hots for for this dame. Make no mistake about it
More than likely, he’s looking at their perennial “friendship” as “Despite her alley catting around the chick still needs and wants old reliable.”
How you feel about him aside, you need to quit taking this horse shut and letting these two play you for a damn fool. It’s a losers game 33 and the only way you’re going to win is to start handing out penalties Tell old Kantturnerloose you ain’t gonna be no sister wife and he’s either going “cold turkey” on you or her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have no intimacy, no affection and when you voice your concern about his communication with his ex, he tells you that's your problem to sort. So sort it. Pack him a bag and ask him where he wants you to send it. He's using you to be his nurse while he gets his emotional needs met by the ex. He never left her emotionally. Don't invest any more into this farce of a marriage.

How old are you two and how old are your kids?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He’s not valuing all the care you provided for him during his recovery. Instead of that ordeal bringing you closer, it has caused him to take you for granted. 

Facing a possible death usually causes you to assess things in your life. You start prioritizing things in your life. It seems that he has relegated you down in importance and is seeing his ex with new eyes. 

Are any of his kids about to become parents or getting married? That could bring a renewed closeness with the ex. Regardless, this woman is a real threat to your marriage. Those 2 know each other so well, the leap to a new relationship is but a small step for them.

If he doesn’t want to see it, then it may be time to D him. Allowing yourself to accept crumbs of emotional support and loads of disrespect just to have a man in the house, will turn you into someone you don’t want to be.

Start making your exit plans just in case. Trust me, there’s a good man out there that would love to come home to a supportive wife who wants him to bang her regularly as well as cuddle with. After all you given, Don’t settle for this.


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