# I'm envious of LD people



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Seriously, at times I am.

On one hand, I'm proud of having a high sex drive. Especially after reading some of the posts around here, it seems like it's not as common as I thought.

That said, it sure does suck to be in a relationship where you have the higher sex drive. Especially if it's noticably higher.

Being the LD spouse seems so much more fun and relaxed. No days/nights wondering if there's going to be sex or if you're going to bed frustrated yet again, no wondering if your partner finds you attractive, no self-esteem blows, no frustration, no disappointment, you get sex pretty much whenever you want it from a partner who is more than eager to please. I'm sure there are drawbacks to having a LD, but overall it sure seems like having a LD in a relationship is superior to having a HD.

I'd love to hear the thoughts of both HD people and LD people on this topic.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kingsfan,
It sounds like you are in the process of repeating history. It is pretty obvious from your post that you have already entered the downward spiral:
- pursuing (you), rejecting (her), overheating (you), 
- pursuing harder (you), rejecting more often(her), overheating more intensely (you)

This pattern is very powerful once you deeply etch it. If you go back and read your posts over the past year or two, you will see it very clearly.

This problem is almost entirely based on a lack of restraint - your lack of restraint. And until you resolve that, this cycle will repeat and worsen.


QUOTE=kingsfan;915227]Seriously, at times I am.

On one hand, I'm proud of having a high sex drive. Especially after reading some of the posts around here, it seems like it's not as common as I thought.

That said, it sure does suck to be in a relationship where you have the higher sex drive. Especially if it's noticably higher.

Being the LD spouse seems so much more fun and relaxed. No days/nights wondering if there's going to be sex or if you're going to bed frustrated yet again, no wondering if your partner finds you attractive, no self-esteem blows, no frustration, no disappointment, you get sex pretty much whenever you want it from a partner who is more than eager to please. I'm sure there are drawbacks to having a LD, but overall it sure seems like having a LD in a relationship is superior to having a HD.

I'd love to hear the thoughts of both HD people and LD people on this topic.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I've only been here for about a month, lol. Do you have me confused with someone else?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I did. My mistake. I apologize.

QUOTE=kingsfan;915270]I've only been here for about a month, lol. Do you have me confused with someone else?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

HAHA MEM:rofl:

I dont have that problem. I am HD as well as my bf.
We both aim to please one another, were that is more than easy to do so. I enjoy it!!!! 

My past relationship partner was Very LD...I could have died. i NEEDED and WANTED sex so badly i felt like i could explode 24/7.
its so miserable to fall under someone elses drive that is not near yours. im so satisfied with my partner im grateful that i can give and recieve at any moment. its just exciting IMO to know that you share that with someone. so they know how you feel all the time


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... I consider myself on the higher end of the scale. Daily is just fine with me, at 45 years old. But I suspect being LD isn't always a cup of tea, especially if you know your spouse isn't happy with the situation. You'd feel pressured, guilty, and tat you're only wanted for one thing. After all, sex is only 10% of a marriage relationship, unless there's problems. Then it's 90%. And I'm thinking that works for both spouses.

C


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Kingsfan,

I agree with you.

However, I do find myself adjusting now. Maybe I'm not becoming more LD but it's gotten to the point where I do care less. Rejection has a way of doing that to you after a while

I honestly no longer go to bed frustrated. Knowing what the result will be eventually negates that frustration.

Unfortunately and basically unnoticed by my wife (I think) is that I continue to pull further and further away from her as a result of this, eliminating all the little things she likes and focusing more on my own happiness.

I am actually starting to think that if I'm approached by her for sex, I'll tell her I'm too tired or one of a dozen excuses she's used in the past. The reason I would do this (yes, I am aware this seems a bit childish and counterproductive) is that when this has happened in the past and we'd have sex a few times, I got sucked back in. I am not willing to let that happen again, at least not right now. 

Not really looking for any advice or input on this. I guess it's more of just agreeing with King and a bit of a vent!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I never envy LD people.being HD makes me feel sensual,powerful,and confident.

I wonder if being HD is more difficult when you're a man?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

That's why you rub one out at regular intervals as a preventative measure. Every mechanism needs a pressure-release valve  And if you get something on top--great; if not--no big deal. And you'd last longer and enjoy the sex more.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I never envy LD people.being HD makes me feel sensual,powerful,and confident.
> 
> I wonder if being HD is more difficult when you're a man?


I agree....being HD is great....although frustrating sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> You are right pbear, the sucky part somes in when you want to just take a nap, but you know your husband is going to want to have sex...so what do you do? Put up with the pressure or give in and miss out on what *you* really wanted? Giving in really blows sometimes, hate to say, and it also blows when your partner is mad at you for not giving in to something you didn't really want to do at that moment.
> 
> *For me as the HD, I don't jump on my wife or get pissy if she wants/needs a nap. I usually go out of my way to make sure she isn't disturbed!*
> 
> ...


Have you tried to stop him mid scratch and either move him to where you want him (according to your descriptions of him above, that shouldn't matter to him) or tell him what you want?

My advice is do not keep rebuffing his advances. Long term you'll find that if he reads up on relationships here or anywhere else, he may choose to move forward in life with things he enjoys and less with you.

Sad but that's kinda where I am now


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I am actually starting to think that if I'm approached by her for sex, I'll tell her I'm too tired or one of a dozen excuses she's used in the past. The reason I would do this (yes, I am aware this seems a bit childish and counterproductive) is that when this has happened in the past and we'd have sex a few times, I got sucked back in. I am not willing to let that happen again, at least not right now.


Sadly, I'm starting to get there myself. I almost did that last night actually, and was planning on it but elected not to at the last moment (weakness on my part I guess). 



ScarletBegonias said:


> I never envy LD people.being HD makes me feel sensual,powerful,and confident.
> 
> I wonder if being HD is more difficult when you're a man?


It is when your partner isn't close to HD.



moco82 said:


> That's why you rub one out at regular intervals as a preventative measure. Every mechanism needs a pressure-release valve  And if you get something on top--great; if not--no big deal. And you'd last longer and enjoy the sex more.


That's the problem. Rubbing one out doesn't do much for me (other than prevent blue balls I suppose). I'm not really missing the sex itself, but rather that close physical bond I get from sex with my fiancee. Yanking away on my wire isn't going to replicate that, no matter what I'm doing. I need to 'make love' not fire a round off just to give the equipment a test run.

FrenchFry, I'd like to suggest that your issue is more of a communication one. You need to tell him that sex would be more open and on the table if you can start getting what you want, and I suspect he'd be happy to give you what you want if you can meet his demands a bit more often. Think of it as a trade off.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I need to 'make love' not fire a round off just to give the equipment a test run.


Just caught myself thinking: Do I miss the days I felt the same? The answer is a resolute No. Because the rubbing-it-out following rejection was completely mentally unenjoyable. No more hidden anger at the partner.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So basically we all agree that the power position is whomever denies sex the most.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

FrenchFry - you don't sound LD to me. It seems like a mismatch with your hubby but not LD - just lower drive than him. Why won't he compromise a bit? I don't understand that. 14 quickies a week is ridiculous frankly. 

What you said earlier about feeling pressured and giving in is what sucked about being the LD person in my marriage. Sometimes I felt like he was stalking me around the house when I just wanted to clean up, spend time with my kid or even just relax. Then if I did say no it was like dealing with a child who didn't get their way. I got so tired of it that eventually I would take the kid and go do something else (out of the house) while he moped. Being the LD person is not all fun and games either.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> So basically we all agree that the power position is whomever denies sex the most.


I think so. While I agree with what FrenchFry said about having that pressure on you, I think I'd still rather be in her shoes than in mine, simply because she has the power to decide whether or not sex actually happens. It sucks being at the whims of another person sexually, and having them decide whether or not you get to have sex.

My fiancee last night came into the bedroom when I was down there, locked teh door (due to kids around) and started getting naked. She KNEW I'd be in the mood and she KNEW that realistically all she needed to do was wink in my direction and I'd be ready to go.

I would never try this because I know there's at least a 50-60% chance I'd get told no. It's why I don't try to 'seduce' my fiancee much either. It's a vicious cycle. You get turned down a few times, you start to not try and initiate as much because you don't enjoy going through all the effort only to get turned down, but then you get rejected even more because you don't try and seduce her, which makes you try even less, which.... and so on and so on.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Yup.
> 
> I don't mind having a lower drive in comparison to my husband. I like being able to go and just take a nap without daydreaming about sex or sitting down next to my husband without wanting to maul him and can't because of the kid sitting right in front of us or yadda yadda yadda.
> 
> ...



*EDIT*: If you read my response, forget about it. Having read your follow up posts you are definitely NOT low drive.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> . It sucks being at the whims of another person sexually, and having them decide whether or not you get to have sex.
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> ...


Kingsfan, You sure you're not engaged to my wife????

But on a more serious note, why be engaged to her then? Me, I'm kind of stuck because we've got 26 years together. If any of this had happened during our engagement or in the years before kids cam along, I would have been gone!

For too long I accepted as gospel that when the kids got to be X or Y age (it's always been a moving target, kind of like the Social Security retirement age) our together time and quality time would be much more. Well, the kids are 21, 18 and 14 now.

I've learned alot from this site. One of the more important aspects is that for a very long time I'd experience periods of time where I felt disconnected from my wife. Looking back it was tied to the lack of sex we were experiencing then. It was here that I learned (and also found out through other readings) that men conect through sex. We also want to be wanted and desired sometimes. 

Wife and I have talked about these issues numerous times and I really thought she "got it". Then it went back to the same ole same ole. 

Meh. Whatever


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Been there!
> 
> I'm getting dressed in my bedroom, locking the door so the kidlet doesn't try to bust the door on me while I'm naked. I'm just trying to get dressed and be an adult for the day, and my husband is laying on the bed giving me the shark eye. I might give him a waggle of my eye and put on cute undies in hopes of having sex a little later, when I'm not trying to get a start on my day and when I have a little more focus to not be in mom-mode.
> 
> ...


That does sound very familir, though I am to the point where my "shark eye" moments are reduced to maybe one or two times a month, and usually they don't go well for me anyways. I've basically given up on doing anything other than "Hey, you wanna go play?" Putting in the effort you described your husband as putting in seems to much for me given that I know it's a high probability it will result in a negative answer. 

My fiancee always gives me an answer when i try to get frisky, and it's one of three types. Either I get a yes, or I get a no (usually the latter). The other answer I get is "Maybe later." I haven't told her, because I don't really feel like it's going to be productive at this point, but I've noticed that 'maybe' is almost the same as 'no.' There's rarely anything that comes out of her maybe's.

Perhaps your husband feels the same about it when you say "well, save this for later?" I'm not saying he is, as he does get a lot anyways it seems, but maybe that's your standard reply and he takes that as a polite way to say 'no.'



Toffer said:


> Kingsfan, You sure you're not engaged to my wife????
> 
> But on a more serious note, why be engaged to her then? Me, I'm kind of stuck because we've got 26 years together. If any of this had happened during our engagement or in the years before kids cam along, I would have been gone!


Why? Well outside of the bedroom, there is very few issues. We get along great on most things. It's a very happy relationship by and large. She makes me happy, just not in the bedroom.

that said, i know I have to settle this issue before marriage. We set a date that is 2 years away, so i have some time to figure things out. It's part of why I joined this site, to understand where I'm coming from and where she is. This site has opened my eyes and helped me to understand which of my beliefs are well founded and which aren't. When you are mulling all of this over by yourself, only to yourself, it's hard to even know what issues to raise with your fiancee, what is fair and isn't, what is a reasonable expectation and what isn't. this site has already helped me develop a better communication relationship with my fiancee and I hope that things will continue to grow and develop. If not, then I'm prepared to back away.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> and I'll get "too late, I just took care of myself." Doesn't bother to remember that I did wear cute undies, didn't bother to re-try to seduce me later at a more convenient time just done, and I get punished for not giving in immediately.


That's a bit childish. Is he the really proud type? I would completely understand, as I take as large a part in parenting when work allows it (haven't read a book or seen a movie in months!)--you physically can't fit sex in, just like you can't leave a business meeting just because the mood strikes you.

Experts also say that we shouldn't wait for the planets to align, because they won't, and should force ourselves to find the time spontaneously. Not sure how the logistics work when you have a screaming kid and 5 minutes before heading to work/travel. Then again, your husband doesn't sound like he's trying to solve the problem in a creative way, just bulldozing his way through.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

FrenchFry, kingsfan raises a good point. Is the instance you described a rare or a typical example of you saying "Maybe later" and actually following through? People are programmed to learn by repetition. If you see the sun rise in the east enough times, you assume it never rises in the west.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Why? Well outside of the bedroom, there is very few issues. We get along great on most things. It's a very happy relationship by and large. She makes me happy, just not in the bedroom.
> 
> that said, i know I have to settle this issue before marriage. We set a date that is 2 years away, so i have some time to figure things out. It's part of why I joined this site, to understand where I'm coming from and where she is. This site has opened my eyes and helped me to understand which of my beliefs are well founded and which aren't. When you are mulling all of this over by yourself, only to yourself, it's hard to even know what issues to raise with your fiancee, what is fair and isn't, what is a reasonable expectation and what isn't. this site has already helped me develop a better communication relationship with my fiancee and I hope that things will continue to grow and develop. If not, then I'm prepared to back away.


I hear you King.

Like you, that is probably our main disconnect too. As I've said in oter posts, she's just about perfect in every other way........BUT do you want to be where I am in 15 or 20 years?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I hear you King.
> 
> Like you, that is probably our main disconnect too. As I've said in oter posts, she's just about perfect in every other way........BUT do you want to be where I am in 15 or 20 years?


Nope, hence why i want to get this out of the way now, not have it as an even bigger issue that I'm stuck with for life.

We have sex 1-2 times a week, and I get some oral maybe 2-6 times a year. It's not TERRIBLE, but it's not what I'm wanting either. I'd prefer every other day likely, and a bit more oral (I don't prefer oral, but it's nice to get once in a while. Oral doesn't fill that connection need I have though).


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

okay than do things or take drugs to lower your drive or you can always leave

you are not prisoner


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> okay than do things or take drugs to lower your drive or you can always leave
> 
> you are not prisoner


Never said I was.

Rather I'm in a realtionship with a woman I love more than I've ever loved anyone else at all and I can't get enough of her. She is wonderful and our life together is nearly flawless, with sex being the one huge obstacle.

I'm not a prisoner, I'm a man seeking a solution to the one significant problem I have in my life with a very wonderful lady. Big difference.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I agree to some extent.

But the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

With spouses that have different drives:

HD people have to deal with feeling rejected and emotionally and sexually frustrated.

LD people have to do with feeling pressured and feeling worried about constantly hurting the others feelings and causing another potential fight.

Its a no win situation when you're not on the same page as your spouse.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Never said I was.
> 
> Rather I'm in a realtionship with a woman I love more than I've ever loved anyone else at all and I can't get enough of her. She is wonderful and our life together is nearly flawless, with sex being the one huge obstacle.
> 
> I'm not a prisoner, I'm a man seeking a solution to the one significant problem I have in my life with a very wonderful lady. Big difference.


Do you two have a consummate love? would you die for one another.

Is there passion, intimacy and commitment? if that is present between both of you than your marriage will never fail and if you have that. Than all the two of you must do is use greater communication and you should be able to sort through these sexual difficulties.

I can understand wanting someone a lot but i feel only through greater communication can you two get past it. You two need to talk it out and your wife should be considerate of your needs and want to give you more sex and you should be considerate of her feelings and why she does not want it as much. She may be low drive but their are plenty of couples who make it work and the low drive person puts out more for the high drive partner. If their is communication and true love their should be no problem assuming your communication is good.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Ano said:


> I agree to some extent.
> 
> But the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
> 
> ...


i still think its better to be LD person

rejection sucks and being sexually frustrated is not good. Its like when you date you would rather be the one who ends the relationship than being broken up with. I dont know anyone who would rather get dumped than dump someone else. Sure you do not want to hurt their feelings but you yourself are not going through that rejection.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

> > Originally Posted by Ano<br />
> > I agree to some extent.<br />
> > <br />
> > But the grass isn't always greener on the other side.<br />
> ...


Yes. I agree with you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Gold,

What about a partner who seemed to be high drive during the dating, engagement and first five or tens years of marriage and now is a much lower drive?

Others have termed it "bait and switch" if it happened shortly after the wedding (and I tend to agree)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Gold,
> 
> What about a partner who seemed to be high drive during the dating, engagement and first five or tens years of marriage and now is a much lower drive?
> 
> Others have termed it "bait and switch" if it happened shortly after the wedding (and I tend to agree)


Yeah, it's more like 'settling' after that long of a period.

I've told my fiancee that what goes before the wedding should be the minimum level of expectations (sex and otherwise) in the future, not the highwater mark.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Gold,
> 
> What about a partner who seemed to be high drive during the dating, engagement and first five or tens years of marriage and now is a much lower drive?
> 
> Others have termed it "bait and switch" if it happened shortly after the wedding (and I tend to agree)


I think it happens more so with men and its perfectly understandable. When we want it all the time women often yet to find they love sex or something. Than when we are generally older and have lower testosterone they want it more.

In many ways its not fair 

if one partner is HD and than turns into LD that can i suppose upset the once HD partner but still if they become LD they are wanting it less thus not dealing with rejection. Right? 




kingsfan said:


> Yeah, it's more like 'settling' after that long of a period.
> 
> I've told my fiancee that what goes before the wedding should be the minimum level of expectations (sex and otherwise) in the future, not the highwater mark.


agreed but sex should happen more after marriage. Thankfully it does for me


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> agreed but sex should happen more after marriage. Thankfully it does for me


I really hope so. It would help me on a lot of levels.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Gold, you're a lucky man!

I'm 50 so I know my testosterone is in decline but to be honest, while I may not have the same energy and strength I had 30 years ago, my desire level is still up there!

I do think that from my reading here and talking with friends, more men are HD than their wives and we all have the same low frequency of sex complaint

I have to say when I read postings like French Fry's, I choke back a tear or two for myself as well as her. Her husband doesn't know how lucky he is!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

King,
You are marrying someone who is already starving you?

Excerpt from the thread below. I figured this out - because I wondered WHY my LD wife makes an effort to more than meet me in the middle on frequency. As for quality - that has always been great. A spouse who doesn't step up to make an effort to keep you very happy/avoid causing you to feel rejected, is not a good spouse. IF you marry someone you are directly telling them you are fine with the way they are treating you. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
True love means:
- I WANT to make you happy, largely because doing so makes ME happy
- I actively avoid doing things that make you unhappy because I feel bad when I cause you distress through my own actions or inaction
- I accept that to LOVE me, you have to respect me and that means I earn respect by (fill in the blank) and DEMAND respect when you are testing my strength of resolve and pushing my boundaries. 

When I say I LOVE you - it is truly a compound statement. It means I love WHO you are (your humor and intelligence, honesty and determination, courage and resourcefullness) AND I love how you TREAT me. 

If you are treating me poorly I stop saying ILY, because half of the statement is false. And love built on deception is destructive to both people.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html



kingsfan said:


> Sadly, I'm starting to get there myself. I almost did that last night actually, and was planning on it but elected not to at the last moment (weakness on my part I guess).
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> King,
> You are marrying someone who is already starving you?
> 
> Excerpt from the thread below. I figured this out - because I wondered WHY my LD wife makes an effort to more than meet me in the middle on frequency. As for quality - that has always been great. A spouse who doesn't step up to make an effort to keep you very happy/avoid causing you to feel rejected, is not a good spouse. IF you marry someone you are directly telling them you are fine with the way they are treating you.
> ...


Thanks for the post MEM.

I won't ever say my fiancee is 'starving' me. We have very different sex drives. I think she'd be fine with 1-2 times a month, me I'd be more in the 5x a week range. Typically we settle around 1-2 times a week, so she has definately made a compromise in an effort to meet my needs.

And until the last three or four months, that compromise has generally been good. Sure, there were weeks when I wanted it a bit more often, but 1-2 seemed to be manageable.

But the last 3-4 months my drive has gone upwards. We got engaged around the same time, so I'm not sure if that's a trigger or just coincidence, but my desire for her is through the roof. And it is 'desire' not sex. Masturbation or other means to get 'my rocks off' do nothing for me, or very, very little. It's sex I want. I want to be with her. It's a form of closeness I want to share with her. Before, if I got denied, yeah it bugged me, but nothing major. Now it really hurts. Like I got told 'I don't love you' or something. I'm not sure if it's a phase or if it's love, or what.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Once a week - prior to my mid forties - would have been a non-starter. We have excellent non-verbal communication so rejection doesn't really happen. What may happen is a request - by her - for us to connect tomorrow. That is a sincere request. It really means tomorrow. 

I will put this a different way. My W ALWAYS has the right to:
- radiate the "shut down" vibe
- say "can we connect tomorrow"
- etc.

And it is also true that I have the right to say "I WANT you tonight" and absent illness or civil war - it happens. 

This is all kind of seamless in the sense that "important" requests - whatever they are - and whoever is making them - get immediate priority from the other person. 

You might want to read "No more mister nice guy" and married man sex life. The fact that during your engagement she would be happy with 1-2 times a month - is a bit scary. 

Just curious - who is the 'hotter' partner?



kingsfan said:


> Thanks for the post MEM.
> 
> I won't ever say my fiancee is 'starving' me. We have very different sex drives. I think she'd be fine with 1-2 times a month, me I'd be more in the 5x a week range. Typically we settle around 1-2 times a week, so she has definately made a compromise in an effort to meet my needs.
> 
> ...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Once a week - prior to my mid forties - would have been a non-starter. We have excellent non-verbal communication so rejection doesn't really happen. What may happen is a request - by her - for us to connect tomorrow. That is a sincere request. It really means tomorrow.
> 
> I will put this a different way. My W ALWAYS has the right to:
> - radiate the "shut down" vibe
> ...


I plan on reading those. Is there an online version, or do I have to order one? I'll be checking the local library too.

My fiancee suffers from depression and is on anti-depresents. I shouldn't say she's happy with just 1-2 a month, as I'm basing that on how she was was a few years ago prior to a medication switch. I've never really asked her since then, as the sex volume picked up after we had a lengthy talk about our sex life, or lack there of. I assumed the increase was a sole result of our discussions, but it may be the medication switch as well. That said, I know that she doesn't want it 1-2 times a week, at least not every week.

I'm not sure what you mean by the 'hotter' partner.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

moco82 said:


> That's why you rub one out at regular intervals as a preventative measure. Every mechanism needs a pressure-release valve  And if you get something on top--great; if not--no big deal. And you'd last longer and enjoy the sex more.


I would never dream of being in a marriage where my spouse "rewarded" with me occasional sex. To each their own.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

DDC said:


> I would never dream of being in a marriage where my spouse "rewarded" with me occasional sex. To each their own.


So in the OP's place, you wouldn't go through marrying his fiancee? Because that's exactly what she does, whether it's construed as "rewarding" or just how their timing works. This thread is about realistically coping with the marital sexual engine misfire.


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I plan on reading those. Is there an online version, or do I have to order one? I'll be checking the local library too.
> 
> My fiancee suffers from depression and is on anti-depresents. I shouldn't say she's happy with just 1-2 a month, as I'm basing that on how she was was a few years ago prior to a medication switch. I've never really asked her since then, as the sex volume picked up after we had a lengthy talk about our sex life, or lack there of. I assumed the increase was a sole result of our discussions, but it may be the medication switch as well. That said, I know that she doesn't want it 1-2 times a week, at least not every week.
> 
> I'm not sure what you mean by the 'hotter' partner.


Kingsfan, I would HIGHLY recommend you think twice about getting married to someone who does not meet your needs before marriage. This rarely gets better after marriage.

You are marrying someone that:
a) Is on anti-depressants (many of which drastically reduce ones sex drive).
b) Is far, far lower desire than yourself.

Why is she on anti-depressants? As someone who has suffered from serious depression and have made friends with others who have, most of the time depression stems from not addressing personal issues. 

I refused to address my personal issues which is why I was depressed. I blamed others for my actions and became a victim of what others had done to me. It wasn't until I started taking responsibly for myself and my actions and made a committed desire to "get well" that I, well, "got well."

In the past, i made the serious mistake of getting caught up and emotionally invested in someone who was very depressed and then wanting to be the one who stood with her until she got better. Google "White Knight Syndrome." I'm not telling you to leave her or abandon her, but her depression issues should give you serious pause.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

King,
Click the link on my earlier post. Thermostat post. There is an emotional warmth in every R. The thing is - two people may have very different comfort levels in terms of emotional temp.

QUOTE=kingsfan;920081]I plan on reading those. Is there an online version, or do I have to order one? I'll be checking the local library too.

My fiancee suffers from depression and is on anti-depresents. I shouldn't say she's happy with just 1-2 a month, as I'm basing that on how she was was a few years ago prior to a medication switch. I've never really asked her since then, as the sex volume picked up after we had a lengthy talk about our sex life, or lack there of. I assumed the increase was a sole result of our discussions, but it may be the medication switch as well. That said, I know that she doesn't want it 1-2 times a week, at least not every week.

I'm not sure what you mean by the 'hotter' partner.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't like being HD. I'm angry a lot of the time, I feel like my h doesn't think I'm attractive. We are in MC and tomorrow we find out what she has gleaned from her extensive IC sessions with us. I try so hard not to be angry, to let it go. I just told him the other night after he rejected me again that I'm not asking for it anymore. He had no response. 
I don't think this marriage is going to last if something doesn't change. It's not just frequency, it's like he has just completely turned into a vanilla boring lover who phones it in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DDC (Jul 16, 2012)

moco82 said:


> So in the OP's place, you wouldn't go through marrying his fiancee? Because that's exactly what she does, whether it's construed as "rewarding" or just how their timing works. This thread is about realistically coping with the marital sexual engine misfire.


Absolutely not. I wouldn't dream of marrying her. And yes, this is because I've been in a similar situation and I know (99%) of the time, how this turns out.

So basically, I know myself and know that this would never work. I'm a very affectionate and loving person and as a man, I know that sex is more than getting off a few times a week. It's an opportunity to bond with my partner heart and soul and to express myself in a way that is just between us - no one else. 

Emotional and physical intimacy is extremely important to me and I would never settle for someone unwilling or unable to provide me with what I want. That said, my partner must be on the same page with me because if she's simply giving me sex to make me happy that won't work either. That is why you date people and get to know them before you get married - so you can find figure out if you're compatible.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I don't like being HD. I'm angry a lot of the time, I feel like my h doesn't think I'm attractive.
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> ...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't think it's worth wasting time to be envious either way. I used to waste way too much time on this issue.

Accept what you are, accept what your mate is, and do the best you can to try and work it from there.

Else you're just wasting time pining away instead of actually LIVING and DOING.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer, countless men in position to give me advice, on several continents and in several countries, across races, religions, age, and social classes, have said that most marriages end up this way and I have to find a woman with whom I wouldn't mind that kind of existence. Statistically speaking, this is the normal marriage. The realistic (or cynical) viewpoint I'm used to is that the couples that continue to have sex not just because the partner is what's available tonight are in a small minority.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Toffer, countless men in position to give me advice, on several continents and in several countries, across races, religions, age, and social classes, have said that most marriages end up this way and I have to find a woman with whom I wouldn't mind that kind of existence. Statistically speaking, this is the normal marriage. The realistic (or cynical) viewpoint I'm used to is that the couples that continue to have sex not just because the partner is what's available tonight are in a small minority.


Not sure of your exact point moco.

I just know it isn't great for the more HD partner regardless of the fact that this is "the norm". I'm also not buying that either. 

Like I and so many others have said, we've done many things for our LD spouses because we wanted to because we know it makes them happy (not because it gives us a better shot at sex)

I still do all the things I have done in the past concerning our life together (I clean up after dinner, take care of all the yard work, pay the bills, do some of the cleaning) it's just that without the intimate part of the relationship, my motivation and ability to be happy has been placed solely back in my hands. I will no longer do all the "little" things she likes since she seems to have no problem living a more brother/sister relationship than that of a true physical and emotional one.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer, isn't this the whole point of the saying that you should seek the woman with whom you want "not to go to bed with, but to wake up with"?


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Kings fan, I suggest you reconsider whether you two should get married even though she seems 'perfect' in every other way. I thought it was enough that I really loved, admired, and was physically attracted to my H. I too thought he was perfect in every other way. I thought I could live with getting touched and shown affection only once a week. Of course our frequency and level of affection only got worse over time, and after having kids. You should expect it to get worse for you as well. It is so important to feel loved and to feel that your spouse is attracted to you. I'm finding that just loving, admiring, and respecting my H mostly 'from afar' isn't enough to sustain me long term, but it is hard to do anything about it once there are children in the picture.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I'd really like to ask any LD people reading this a question relating to the comments above about feeling 'stalked'. Maybe FrenchFry could give her opinion even though I think she is medium drive not low drive. (Most LD people wouldn't set foot in this forum.) If you feel stalked in your own house, why don't you just tell your HD spouse a set time when you will be available for intimacy. For example in FF's case, if your children go to bed by 8 p.m., why not tell your H you would spend 'intimate time' with him each night from 9-10 p.m. (Or if not every night, a specific set of nights). Ask him not to approach you at other times. Your H might be an exception, but I think most HD spouses would be happy to be able to count on definite times when they won't be rejected (barring major sickness or something), as long as it is 2-4 times per week. This way the LD spouse wouldn't be stalked or approached at random times or have to worry about giving a wrong signal (e.g. would be free to give a hug or kiss at other times without being misunderstood). 

Yes, having set times is not 'spontaneous', but being spontaneous is really not too realistic once you have kids living in the house or if your bedtime schedules that don't match up.

I think schedule dates are romantic since you are setting time aside to be with each other, prioritizing each other, and ensuring your couple time isn't falling off the end of your to do list. If you schedule 45 mins-1 hour, that should mean you wouldn't feel so rushed that it would have to be a quicky, but you could schedule some quicky nights also.

A scheduled time gives you enough notice to get yourself in the mood. You might take a bath, light candles, adjust your mindset away from kids/work thoughts/mommy mode, touch yourself to get aroused a little, or do whatever the LD partner needs to do to get in the mood.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Toffer, isn't this the whole point of the saying that you should seek the woman with whom you want "not to go to bed with, but to wake up with"?


Fair enough moco but what do you do with a woman who changed to a LD (or at least lower drive) as the marriage progressed?

This has nothing to do with "seeking a woman you want to wake up with"


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kari - We do have kids in the picture. We were both married before, she has two children (one moved out now) and I have three. So there are four kids in the house now as is. The issue of 'finding time' has long ago been resolved. We have ways around this.

Additionally, to whomever said there would be an issue regarding physical contact outside of sex, there actually is a lot of that. Plenty of kissing, holding hands, sexual grabbing (ass, boobs, c)ck, etc.) just it leads to sex 1-2 times a week, and I'd like it to be more as that's what I feel the need for emotionally. 

Like I said, everything is great, away from the bedroom, so I'm more or less venting some fruatration and looking for means of coping when I discuss the issue of LD.

I'm not trying to be anti-discussion at all, so please don't take it that way. I'm seeking input from everyone before I really decide if this is what I want or not. Thank you everyone for your input thus far.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> This has nothing to do with "seeking a woman you want to wake up with"


I interpret that saying is that your mutual life outside of sex is more important than sex. The time when you "wake up" is when sex is out of the way and the question is how you two get along at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrenchFry,

I think that what you are discribing would kill anyone's desire to have sex. When the sex is almost alway for him and he is not even trying to do what you need to make it enjoyable for you, it's hard to dea with.

While he might be HD, it sounds like selfishness is really the major problem.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

moco82 said:


> I interpret that saying is that your mutual life outside of sex is more important than sex. The time when you "wake up" is when sex is out of the way and the question is how you two get along at this point.


But, as others have noted, there is something still missing. It's the emotional bond (for a man) that comes with the physical relationship.

The rest of the package is good, no doubt but it isn't enough at times.

If I may ask, what is the weekly/monthly frequenct enjoyed by you and your spouse?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

3 yrs ago when I suddenly became HIGH HIGH HIGH drive...I said to my husband a number of times....what I wanted more than anything else in this world was for HIS DRIVE to surpass mine.... I HATED the fact I was hornier than him, it really bothered me at times... I even questioned his desire, he would get  at me when I thought this....but I sure needed alot of affirmation about it, I was a pain up his butt for a time. 

But yet..... being High drive like that was pure heaven when we were going at it.... Everything was so "electric" even if I got it twice a day. I kinda miss that -in a way.... but my mind was flooded with thoughts of sex, it was UN-RELENTING - It was hard to even keep my mind focused......I was near living to get laid. I would JUMP for any moment he could get it up. 

Because of this experience, I can understand your envy of the lower drive...at least when I was in the midst of that spell. One thing I didn't handle well was...if I had my hopes up for something and it didn't happen....so I had to be realistic and we pretty much got into a pattern of taking advantage of every moment HE could. Being the higher drive with an abundance of energy going on, I lived around his schedule. I did everything I could to make his life more of a breeze --so I could get as much lovin' as possible. 





> *Kari said*: I think schedule dates are romantic since you are setting time aside to be with each other, prioritizing each other, and ensuring your couple time isn't falling off the end of your to do list. If you schedule 45 mins-1 hour, that should mean you wouldn't feel so rushed that it would have to be a quicky, but you could schedule some quicky nights also.


 Twice in the last week...and many times before....my husband was tired before bed .... but tells me to wake him up in a couple hours, we do it smack in the middle of the night, then he goes back to sleep- never have to worry about kids then and it gives his TEST that little boost it needs.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer said:


> But, as others have noted, there is something still missing. It's the emotional bond (for a man) that comes with the physical relationship.


That saying seems to exist exactly to moderate men's need for the physical.



> If I may ask, what is the weekly/monthly frequenct enjoyed by you and your spouse?


Varies widely depending on how the baby is doing and how time-consuming my work is (I go from project to project, plus travel), from several times a week to once a month.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> One of those is that it while HD spouses may want their LD spouse to feel like their constant sexual desire is flattering, that sometimes it comes off as a little selfish and you are right, it's really hard to turn that into desire and like so many people understand it turns into a negative cycle of no sex.


Why is it you find it 'selfish'? Is it due to the frequency of asking and that comes across as it just being about the HD spouse? I'm curious because I've never thought of it from this angle before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Why is it you find it 'selfish'? Is it due to the frequency of asking and that comes across as it just being about the HD spouse? I'm curious because I've never thought of it from this angle before.


It's selfish that he mostly just want sex twice a day only to get himself off sexually and has little interest in the things that please her.

Why should she want sex if she seldom gets to really have a satisfying sexual experience?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> Yeah Elegirl, it probably is a little selfish of him, but it's not really his fault that my drive just doesn't match his and that because of that, he feels bad when I turn him down. His other actions, like not trying to wait for me, sure. But hurt feelings? What am I supposed to do there?
> 
> I probably sound a little frustrated, this has become a bit of a stumbling stone in my own marriage.
> 
> ...


It's selfish of him to mostly/only want sex to satisfy him self and not to put your needs as his priority.

One thing that works well is to first have a quicky. Then after he's gone once..you two can have a nice longer session where he pays a lot of attention to you.. and he can have a second orgasm with that.

this is what makes sense to me to handle the type of situation you describe.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

moco82 said:


> That saying seems to exist exactly to moderate men's need for the physical.
> 
> *Look it up! And I'm not talking abut researching it here on TAM. Where'd you get your degree in this field?
> 
> ...


*OK, that's understood - Why don't you give us the spread - 5x a week if all is well or 1x a week when life is hel! or just a weekely average?*


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer, first, no need to get angry.

Do you mean there is a dictionary definition of that saying? I'm sure it's up for interpretation, and I was just offering mine.

I agree that in some circumstances (or with some partners) men need an emotional bond to have sex. But not in others, or most (otherwise how could one-night stands happen?).

It's hard to average the last year, when no two weeks are alike. When the baby awoke every 2 hours to feed, sex once a month was considered a great success.

In any case, we're straying from the topic of this post. Send a private message if I didn't answer your questions well.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> A little bit yeah.
> 
> Since there are a lot of sexless relationships on TAM there seems to be an axiom that the LD spouse is being selfish by withholding sex from and HD partner. Which in a lot of cases is true, there isn't a good reason to only have sex with the person you are monogamous with only 12 times a year or whatever. Obviously that isn't fair.
> 
> ...


I don't think that's selfish at all on your part. It is on his.

I guess I took the previous post as implying that the HD spouse is selfish in general, not simply your own personal situation.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Kingsfan, I'm similar to you, in that I could happily have it pretty much every day, but the reality for me is maybe once or twice every 10+ days! 

Partner was also HD in our early days, really HD actually, and would make an effort to jump my bones regularly, as I would come up behind her and take her by surprise! Most days we'd be at it - she even used to say, "Oh, it's been 2 days, you must feel neglected!" - I would kill for that scenario now! 

Once we had our own kids, apart from the baby making, this kind of dwindled gradually. We'd still have weekend and mid-week fun almost guaranteed, but even that's an uncertainy now.

I think the frustration is not knowing WHEN your other half is in the mood, and the more you pursue (because they aren't!), the more you push them away. 

It's a sad state of affairs really.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Kingsfan, I'm similar to you, in that I could happily have it pretty much every day, but the reality for me is maybe once or twice every 10+ days!
> 
> Partner was also HD in our early days, really HD actually, and would make an effort to jump my bones regularly, as I would come up behind her and take her by surprise! Most days we'd be at it - she even used to say, "Oh, it's been 2 days, you must feel neglected!" - I would kill for that scenario now!
> 
> ...


Jimbo,

Be careful before it gets too far awy from you! Have been struggling with this issue for years and now almost 27 years into our marriage, I have started to lose hope.

I haven't approached my wife in about 3 weeks and she hasn't come to me 

Sad state. Don't know what next move is. Just laying low and doing other things in my life to make me happy


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> I think the frustration is not knowing WHEN your other half is in the mood, and the more you pursue (because they aren't!), the more you push them away.
> 
> It's a sad state of affairs really.


Agreed Jimbob. You know that asking/chasing to much only drives her nuts in the sense that I think FrenchFry said (feel like youa re being stalked) so you don't go for it nearly as often as you want to, yet you still have to go for it sometimes because she rarely pursues you at all (or maybe never) so if you didn't try you'd likely get nothing at all.

It is a vicious circle that you alone are left to try and balance out and if it do it wrong you are either causing bigger problems (from over pursuing) or missing out on sex and being frustrated (by under pursuing).

I support what FrenchFry is doing in her situation, but her's is the rarity in that she's willing to have sex almost any day but her husband is to over the top even for that. In almost every other situation I've read on here, I'm just left to ask what the heck is the big deal with getting naked and just having sex 4-5 times a week with your spouse (unless there is a very good reason)?


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Agreed Jimbob. You know that asking/chasing to much only drives her nuts in the sense that I think FrenchFry said (feel like youa re being stalked) so you don't go for it nearly as often as you want to, yet you still have to go for it sometimes because she rarely pursues you at all (or maybe never) so if you didn't try you'd likely get nothing at all.
> 
> It is a vicious circle that you alone are left to try and balance out and if it do it wrong you are either causing bigger problems (from over pursuing) or missing out on sex and being frustrated (by under pursuing).
> 
> I support what FrenchFry is doing in her situation, but her's is the rarity in that she's willing to have sex almost any day but her husband is to over the top even for that. In almost every other situation I've read on here, I'm just left to ask what the heck is the big deal with getting naked and just having sex 4-5 times a week with your spouse (unless there is a very good reason)?


Yeah, every word above is true there, kingsfan. You don't mind when there's a genuine reason, its just the continued brush offs that get to you the most, when it would have done neither partner any harm to have a nice naked session before lights out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Yeah, every word above is true there, kingsfan. You don't mind when there's a genuine reason, its just the continued brush offs that get to you the most, when it would have done neither partner any harm to have a nice naked session before lights out!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

In my marriage, I am super HD while my wife is LD. It's not exactly the greatest mix and def becomes an argument at times. Sorry, but I feel great about myself and enjoy sex and find my wife to be an immense turn on. I'm not exactly sure what is the problem on her end, other than she has always been kind of a cold fish. When we were dating, things were a lot better, but that's old hat for a married couple. I'm not dilussional and realize that is the majority of cases out there. But it's a pain in the butt to keep getting the cold shoulder. I masturbate as much as possible as to lower my sex drive once we go to bed at night knowing that it's a small chance that I won't get turned down for it. So it's easier to rub one out during the day and just falling asleep at night. But that only goes so far. There are days when I am still horny even though I tookmcaremof business a few hours prior. And I also have the need for more than just jerking it. So, yeah, being the HD with a LD partner is a,problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest (Jul 10, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I never envy LD people.being HD makes me feel sensual,powerful,and confident.
> 
> I wonder if being HD is more difficult when you're a man?


Most definetly is testosterone has its ups and downs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

It all amounts to sexual desire. For HD spuses, the questions they should ask themselves are, is it possible to help create intense sexual desire in our LD spouses? If the answer is yes, how? If the is answer is no, can we learn to live with it?

I tried for years to become a more attractive husband to my ex-wife, not just physically but emotionally as well. I stopped all arguing, pleading and making demands of her, and started actively listening to her concerns and working hard to address them. My hygiene and grooming were impeccable - still are. Not fat at all - I had the body of an athlete (still have). I even asked her to please consult with her doctor to see if there was an underlying medical condition behind her lack of total desire to have sex - she didn't. Nothing helped to ignite the desire to have sex with me. I finally came to the conclusion that she was never, and would never be, sexually attracted to me. Once I accepted this, I filed for divorce. Three and a half years with NO SEX had finally taken its toll on me. She pleaded with me not to leave her, saying that she loved me and wanted no other man to share her life with. I told her that I was not willing to live a marriage in which eventually one of us, or both, were going to have an affair(s) and I meant it because an opportunity had open up for me to get my sexual needs met but I woke up to realize that I'd rather exit the marriage with dignity than in shameful disgrace.

The irony is that all my self-improvement has paid off handsomely. I am now in a relationship with a sexually passionate woman whose actions prove to me that she truly cares for me. If I learned anything from my previous marriage is that you do not get married to adopt a sibling but to exclusively love and care for your lover above all others. If your spouse thinks and acts differently, then make a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The older I get the the longer the list of things I am willing to drop like they're radioactive. Don't want sex? Great. Don't want to talk? Ok. Won't sit in the car with me? Will do. Refuse to eat with me? I can't wait. Shoot down every last suggestion about everything so that I just stop? Works for me. Guess what, honey, this is a job and you're a nasty insane boss and I wouldn't be all that upset if you died or disappeared without a trace either. I am super ok with that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I had hd till I divorced the first time. Something happened. I don't know what. Second serious relationship, hd but, not extremely h. Starting to slow. Relationship with second wife before marriage? Med to hd at start. Was a point when things changed. Too much was expected of me. Her daughter moved in. Didn't want her to hear us. Not possible with her home. My problem not wife's. Wife got amorous and hurt me. Bent it badly. Hurt for weeks. Sensations changed. Not as good. Too many things changed. She wanted no romance. I did. It helped me to be more driven. Too bad. It really was good. She never told me how hd she was before we got married. Had I known, may not have married her. I talked with her about it before the marriage. I don't think she was honest with herself. Now I am alone. Broken.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Kings:
I would think carefully about how you plan to live without a passionate sexual relationship. Are you certain that you will not come to resent your wife, and that this resentment will not seep into other aspects of your relationship? Will you be vulnerable to an emotional or physical affair if an attractive woman expresses an interest in you in a few years?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kings,
You are creating your own personal train wreck. By getting engaged in this state - the "gatekeeper" state - where she has total veto power whenever she feels like it. My W is LD - no way in he'll she would say "no" twice in a row. In fact I can cout on one hand the times she's has said "no" in 23 years. Tomorrow? Sure. She says that and means it. Whenever she wants. But not "no".
This whole "I try at random times" and whatever she says is what happens - "that" will be your whole marriage.
You need to postpone the wedding and get he to read about responsive desire. And you need to read about it also. 



kingsfan said:


> Agreed Jimbob. You know that asking/chasing to much only drives her nuts in the sense that I think FrenchFry said (feel like youa re being stalked) so you don't go for it nearly as often as you want to, yet you still have to go for it sometimes because she rarely pursues you at all (or maybe never) so if you didn't try you'd likely get nothing at all.
> 
> It is a vicious circle that you alone are left to try and balance out and if it do it wrong you are either causing bigger problems (from over pursuing) or missing out on sex and being frustrated (by under pursuing).
> 
> I support what FrenchFry is doing in her situation, but her's is the rarity in that she's willing to have sex almost any day but her husband is to over the top even for that. In almost every other situation I've read on here, I'm just left to ask what the heck is the big deal with getting naked and just having sex 4-5 times a week with your spouse (unless there is a very good reason)?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Kings:
> I would think carefully about how you plan to live without a passionate sexual relationship. Are you certain that you will not come to resent your wife, and that this resentment will not seep into other aspects of your relationship? Will you be vulnerable to an emotional or physical affair if an attractive woman expresses an interest in you in a few years?


I am thinking about it, that's why I'm here, to talk about this issue and others to get a better understanding, both for myself and in general. I made a mistake the first time, not doing it twice.



MEM11363 said:


> Kings,
> You are creating your own personal train wreck. By getting engaged in this state - the "gatekeeper" state - where she has total veto power whenever she feels like it. My W is LD - no way in he'll she would say "no" twice in a row. In fact I can cout on one hand the times she's has said "no" in 23 years. Tomorrow? Sure. She says that and means it. Whenever she wants. But not "no".
> This whole "I try at random times" and whatever she says is what happens - "that" will be your whole marriage.
> You need to postpone the wedding and get he to read about responsive desire. And you need to read about it also.
> ...


I will, thanks for the input MEM. How is your wife LD if she rarely says no?


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