# First ridiculed for not getting her a ring, then punished for offering her the ring



## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I find myself a shadow of my former self. My ex girlfriend love bombed me from day one that we started going out. She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 6 months of dating. My gut instinct told me to hold off. She would back off temporarily (every two weeks) and then get upset for not getting engaged. She tried to talk me into selling my house and buying a house with her. She had questionable credit and had trouble purchasing a house in her name only. 

I wanted to take our relationship slow because I had been divorced twice and she had never been married. She said I was the perfect man for her. I just wanted to build a solid foundation of trust and friendship which are the key ingredients to a lasting relationship. She kept slowing down the process by starting arguments for not having a ring. I offered to take her to couples counseling because of our disagreement on this issue. She insisted that our only disagreement was her not having a ring. She turned down counseling.

I wish that she would have just let us grow naturally and she would have been offered a ring in a traditional manner. She eventually boycotted seeing me and taking away intimacy until she had a ring.

I could not understand why she was in such a hurry to get married. She already had one child out of wedlock and was too old to have more children. She admitted to me years ago that she got pregnant on purpose to try to keep her previous boyfriend from leaving her. He left her anyway.

After two years of breakups and makeups, she finally dumped me for my ex best friend. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown so I bought her the engagement ring to win her back. Instead of accepting, she called the police on me. the police told me to leave her alone. I went no contact and have remained no contact ever since. She proceeded to file a false restraining order against me. She tried contacting me twice before the hearing to see if I would violate the order before the hearing date. I did not answer and remained no contact. I hired an attorney and we collected a paper trail to prove her lies. The judge threw out the restraining order during the hearing thank God.

Since all this has happened, I found out that my ex girlfriend filed for bankruptcy right after she dumped me. She has since broken up with my ex best friend and is already married.

I still blame myself. I do not understand how she can hate me so much to call the police on me and drag me into court. I never abused her nor threatened her the whole time that I have known her. She idealized me and then demonized me. 

Can anyone here look at my situation objectively and help me get past this? I feel so much shame for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I had no idea she was going to file bankruptcy. Could that be the reason why she was so desperate to get married?

My ex best friend recently reached out to me to tell me that she is crazy. I want absolutely nothing to do with him anymore. He betrayed me like she did. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She is crazy. Your ex best friend is not really a friend if he would cheat on you with your GF. Stay away from both of them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Here's your problem: Your complete lack of self esteem. 

You need to find your self worth and then this crap won't happen to you. No sane/healthy woman would want to be with a man who allows all of this to happen to him. If this is even true.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Can anyone here look at my situation objectively and help me get past this? I feel so much shame for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I had no idea she was going to file bankruptcy. Could that be the reason why she was so desperate to get married?


I can... 

She's a WACKO and your best friend did you a HUGE favor taking this nut case off your hands. You should be on your hands and knees THANKING him.

This one had divorce number three written ALL over her. She would of used your divorce settlement to pay off her bankruptcy. You dodged a bullet big time.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. I know that my self esteem is damaged and realize that no sane woman would find me attractive right now. I am in counseling for all of this. For those who doubt my story, it is really true. I have no reason to make this story up. I always had self confidence before this relationship. As I stated in the beginning thread, I am a shadow of my former self. I am just looking for some encouragement and help. Isn't that what this forum is for? If I didn't need help, I wouldn't reach out here.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> She eventually boycotted seeing me and taking away intimacy until she had a ring.
> 
> She admitted to me years ago that she got pregnant on purpose to try to keep her previous boyfriend from leaving her.
> 
> ...


All red flags that she is a wacko. Why did you not recognize all this as very unhealthy and something to run away from?




goldstandard said:


> I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown so I bought her the engagement ring to win her back.
> 
> I feel so much shame for not getting her the ring when she wanted it.
> 
> I had no idea she was going to file bankruptcy. Could that be the reason why she was so desperate to get married?


I am not trying to be rude, but you sound like you don't have healthy boundaries. 1. You bought an engagemen ring to win someone back after they clearly cheated on you. 2. You feel bad about not buying a ring when you weren't ready to propose?

Do you think that you would still be with her had you bought her a ring when she wanted and married her so she wouldn't go bankrupt?

She was using you, and you didn't play along completely, so she found your friend to try to use. Now you wish you had played along better?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't try to understand crazy. Just thank your lucky star that, you got away. Give thanks brother.

She was trying to use you to get out from her financial mess. When you didn't propose she tried to punish you. That's all there is to that. She was a spiteful, loony b. 

Now to make sure you pick the right person the next time, work on you. Go for some IC to better understand yourself. Take care of yourself by exercising and pursuing something that gives you happiness. Start rebuilding your self esteem and learn about your personal boundaries. 

In the future don't ever let anyone force your hand. And don't go proposing to bat sh!t crazy women who demands a ring.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

thank you infaraboverubies for your reply. You are not rude. This is what I need. I appreciate you being frank with me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You will learn a valuable lesson from all of this....

*Never stick your junk in CRAZY.*


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

It helps somewhat to know that I dodged a bullet. It is hard to explain how someone can mess with your mind to make you feel that you were wrong. There was a lot of manipulation going on. I was not really thinking clearly when I offered her the ring at the end. The worst feeling in the world is finding out your ex best friend is with your ex. He is an alcoholic and she saw him make a fool out of himself. But he came into some money and she may have seen an opportunity there. I just need to hold firm in my belief that she is truly toxic. I may just be romanticizing the relationship by forgetting the bad episodes. She finally got a man to marry her quickly after it did not work out with my ex best friend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you for your replies. I know that my self esteem is damaged and realize that no sane woman would find me attractive right now.


Dude, your self esteem was in the toilet BEFORE you started dating her, or else you would have laughed her out of the room when she started all this shyte. No man with a healthy esteem would have accepted all that crap. So don't go blaming this on HER.

Get into therapy and start figuring out why, what in your FOO created this.

btw, you remind me of a Friends episode I saw today. Ross had just married Emily. Who informed him that, because he once loved Rachel, he had to sell all his belongings, because they'd remind him of Rachel. He had to leave his apartment, because Rachel might have gone there. He had to move all the way across town because SHE had a cousin with a place that she wanted to stay at. He had to never be in the same room again with Rachel, even though that meant he had to basically give up his entire group of friends.

Luckily, when she called to make further demands, he finally found his balls and told her he wouldn't. So she left him. 

Thank God.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks again for your replies. If the average person sat and talked to her, they would not pick up on the crazy part. She can hide it very well and appear very functional to the outside world. 

She lived 3,000 miles away from my hometown when we had our first date. I thought she was only going to be a pen pal at most. I was okay with having a long distance friendship where we could talk on the phone and email or text one another. The next thing I knew was her calling me to tell me that she and her daughter had decided to move to my hometown. I remember telling her that a decision like that needs careful planning and to not rush into it. I told her that it would be a huge burden on me if our friendship did not work out and she moved close to me to develop a relationship. She told me not to worry and that it was just an adventure for her daughter and her. She came anyway and the relationship grew at lightening speed. Well, you all know what happened next. In retrospect, it all seems pre planned and financially motivated. Anyone agree?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you dodged a gigantic bullet. imagine living the rest of your life with that drama.

believe me when i say, because i went through not quite as bad, but almost.

i was like you, all wigged out, but time will show you, you're a lucky man.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks again for your replies. If the average person sat and talked to her, they would not pick up on the crazy part. She can hide it very well and appear very functional to the outside world.
> 
> She lived 3,000 miles away from my hometown when we had our first date. I thought she was only going to be a pen pal at most. I was okay with having a long distance friendship where we could talk on the phone and email or text one another. The next thing I knew was her calling me to tell me that she and her daughter had decided to move to my hometown. I remember telling her that a decision like that needs careful planning and to not rush into it. I told her that it would be a huge burden on me if our friendship did not work out and she moved close to me to develop a relationship. She told me not to worry and that it was just an adventure for her daughter and her. She came anyway and the relationship grew at lightening speed. Well, you all know what happened next. In retrospect, it all seems pre planned and financially motivated. Anyone agree?


It sounds like you missed a lot of red flags. When she said she was moving to your town, you should have told her, "That is a bit rash. Please don't call me when you get here." Then when she called, hang up on her.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks again for your replies. If the average person sat and talked to her, they would not pick up on the crazy part. She can hide it very well and appear very functional to the outside world.
> 
> *They are the most dangerous kind of crazy. *
> 
> She lived 3,000 miles away from my hometown when we had our first date. I thought she was only going to be a pen pal at most. I was okay with having a long distance friendship where we could talk on the phone and email or text one another. The next thing I knew was her calling me to tell me that she and her daughter had decided to move to my hometown. I remember telling her that a decision like that needs careful planning and to not rush into it. I told her that it would be a huge burden on me if our friendship did not work out and she moved close to me to develop a relationship. She told me not to worry and that it was just an adventure for her daughter and her. She came anyway and the relationship grew at lightening speed. Well, you all know what happened next. In retrospect, it all seems pre planned and financially motivated. Anyone agree?


*Well she displayed her crazy by moving 3,000 miles with her daughter that she had to "trap" her last boyfriend...You should have been hearing the screaming alarm bells at this point. The rest is just confirmation of the continuing crazy...And you are still trying to analyze this? Wasting time trying to make sense of a crazy person just makes you one. Just count your blessings, learn from this and move on. Stay far away from this woman and fix the things that led you to get into a relationship with her in the first place.*


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I'd ask how you ever got involved with her, but I think I already know.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I can...
> 
> She's a WACKO and your best friend did you a HUGE favor taking this nut case off your hands. You should be on your hands and knees THANKING him.
> 
> This one had divorce number three written ALL over her. *She would of used your divorce settlement to pay off her bankruptcy. *You dodged a bullet big time.



Come on now @BetrayedDad are you slipping on us? People like her don't ever pay off their bankruptcy, lol. They just move on and create a whole new mess knowing that some sucker will foot the bill for them.>


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You should count your lucky stars, that she left you. Seeing how she filed bankruptcy right after she broke it off, which would be the reason she wanted to get married so bad you would/could have been stuck with her debt. 

There is no reason for you to feel bad, what makes you think she would have stayed with you even if you gave her a ring and married her?Seems she would have used you for what you were worth, ruin your credit and who knows what else. I think you need to forget about this mess and focus on yourself so that you will be ready to meet someone new.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Sounds like she may have a personality disorder...


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I thought the same thing about a personality disorder. Although we can't give a diagnosis, the standard criteria of Idealization, devaluation, split black (discarded) were present to represent borderline personality disorder. 

Thanks again for all your help. Part of my problem is wanting to see things from her perspective. It is hard to wrap my head around this.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Does anyone think that her marriage will last given the information I have shared with you? Do you think the husband will have his hands full? Thanks in advance.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I find myself a shadow of my former self. My ex girlfriend love bombed me from day one that we started going out. She gave me a marriage ultimatum after 6 months of dating. My gut instinct told me to hold off. She would back off temporarily (every two weeks) and then get upset for not getting engaged. She tried to talk me into selling my house and buying a house with her. She had questionable credit and had trouble purchasing a house in her name only.
> 
> I wanted to take our relationship slow because I had been divorced twice and she had never been married. She said I was the perfect man for her. I just wanted to build a solid foundation of trust and friendship which are the key ingredients to a lasting relationship. She kept slowing down the process by starting arguments for not having a ring. I offered to take her to couples counseling because of our disagreement on this issue. She insisted that our only disagreement was her not having a ring. She turned down counseling.
> 
> ...


You've been divorced twice, and know you just dodged another bullet.

So why aren't you happy about that?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your ex is a textbook candidate for Borderline Personality Disorder. Read up on it.

And no, none of her marriages will last. She will end up a lonely woman like the rest of them.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I struggle because she did not exhibit rage like most other crazies. But she seemed so desperate to get married. I felt like an object. She seduced me, then I presume tried to manipulate me. It felt great to be admired so much. She always told me never to change anything about me and that she loved me for all my faults. Then she dropped me on my head and my fantasy came to an end. It is a terrible feeling to be dumped after being idealized so much. I just wonder if she will make it right now that she is married. It seemed that marriage was the only thing missing in her life.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Like attracts like. You are damaged and attracted a damaged person. You need to stop lying to yourself and accept who you are and what you need to do to become a healthy person again. These red flags didn't just pop up, they were there all along. And those red flags weren't all being waved by her either. Whatever self-confidence you had was built on the quicksand of your lack of self esteem. As someone else posted you need to work on yourself and not even think about her. Ever! Sorry if this sounds harsh or judgemental but you are the only one who can rescue you.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

goldstandard said:


> She would back off temporarily (every two weeks)


That's hormones.
Then you mention the bankruptcy...

run!!!
do not walk, do not look back, flee from this _child_.

(why did she want marriage? because that would fix everything, as marriage is a partnership where people look after each other. - why are you making the mistake of thinking that child has any real idea of laying down a future)


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

This loss stings more than going through both failed marriages. Maybe because I died a slow death in both of those unfortunate relationships. I knew I was better off and I was relieved to get off the roller coaster. This situation blind sided me. I did not see it coming. She said she loved me unconditionally. She needed to be saved and I hesitated too much to seal the deal. Although I knew she had some financial troubles with questionable credit, I had no idea that she was on the verge of bankruptcy. The worst tragedy of this experience is having the police called on me from someone I thought loved me unconditionally. Then to kick the dog when it's down by filing a false restraining order. I treated her well and she has to know that. This is the reason why I am stuck.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

GS, you aren't stuck for any of those reasons. You are stuck because you can't be honest with yourself and you don't trust yourself. You invited this into your life. You allowed it to happen to you. Now go figure out why and stop fixating on the fairytale you told yourself you were living and start focusing on making sure you learn from it.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Calling the police was bad enough from someone who begged me to marry her. what I can't wrap my head around is why she would want to drag me into a courtroom with a false restraining order. the hearing was 2 months later and I totally went no contact. I had proved to her that I was done with her. I was never a threat nor was I ever abusive. It makes no sense that I had to go through the whole court hearing process just to get the judge to throw it away. Then she sat there crying that she needed protection from herself and her daughter. Although I was relieved that the judge threw it out, I still felt defeated that she wanted to ruin me. I swear I would never hurt her. But she humiliated me.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> Calling the police was bad enough from someone who begged me to marry her. what I can't wrap my head around is why she would want to drag me into a courtroom with a false restraining order. the hearing was 2 months later and I totally went no contact. I had proved to her that I was done with her. I was never a threat nor was I ever abusive. It makes no sense that I had to go through the whole court hearing process just to get the judge to throw it away. Then she sat there crying that she needed protection from herself and her daughter. Although I was relieved that the judge threw it out, I still felt defeated that she wanted to ruin me. I swear I would never hurt her. But she humiliated me.


Your ego was bruised. Now you need to tell your ego to STFU and start listening to your self. As long as fixate on what she did you will never learn the lesson you have been presented. This whole episode should be a lesson to you - you allowed this to happen to you. Luckily you dodged a huge bullet with just a damaged ego to show for it. Rejoice that you are not living that life with her. Because believe me brother you are way better off. Be glad that some part of you decided to hesitate and not jump in with both feet, selling your house, buying another one and legally combining your life with hers. It was only going to get worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to fix YOU?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Calling the police was bad enough from someone who begged me to marry her. what I can't wrap my head around is why she would want to drag me into a courtroom with a false restraining order. the hearing was 2 months later and I totally went no contact. I had proved to her that I was done with her. I was never a threat nor was I ever abusive. It makes no sense that I had to go through the whole court hearing process just to get the judge to throw it away. Then she sat there crying that she needed protection from herself and her daughter. Although I was relieved that the judge threw it out, I still felt defeated that she wanted to ruin me. I swear I would never hurt her. But she humiliated me.


goldstandard, some people are just plain evil, or mentally ill. Unfortunately, you fell for one.

She was not the vulnerable, sweet, admiring lady you thought she was. She was manipulative and turned on you when you didn't give her what she wanted, and when she wanted it: a marriage commitment.

Give yourself a pat on the back for holding out on the engagement ring. You were true to yourself until something clicked in you and you gave in.

Figure out why you are attracted to wounded birds and work on yourself, so you will be attracted to a strong, sane woman next time. And next time, take your time before you start getting serious. If the woman moves too quickly, you will know something is not right.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Now you need to tell your ego to STFU and start listening to your self.


^^^This^^^

Your ego is not your friend. Use logic. Logic is your friend. Be your own best friend.

Do you have a counselor?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is simple: You are the luckiest man in the world.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> goldstandard, some people are just plain evil, or mentally ill. Unfortunately, you fell for one.
> 
> She was not the vulnerable, sweet, admiring lady you thought she was. She was manipulative and turned on you when you didn't give her what she wanted, and when she wanted it: a marriage commitment.
> 
> ...


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...8-good-men-knight-shining-armor-syndrome.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Does anyone think that her marriage will last given the information I have shared with you? Do you think the husband will have his hands full? Thanks in advance.


How long did she date the guy she married before she married him? It's highly doubtful that the marriage will last.

She's a drama queen, a crazy one. 

But you are the one who stayed with her. Why is that?

A lot of people (myself included in the past) work very hard to make a relationship work despite a marking army of red flags. Why? Because we want to win (win what I don't know.)

Crazy people, abusive people, they all use the same tacktic. They start out really nice. Then they do just a bit of abuse/crazy and see how you respond. Most people would see the red flag and run. But not someone like you (and me). Oh now we adjust our self to it. Then the crazy does another bit of crazy.. maybe a bit more out there. And again we adjust to it. We make excuses for them. We tell ourselves that we are sooooo in love. We ignore the marching red flags. And so it goes, the craziness escalates and we just keep adjusting and changing ourselves until we are a shadow of ourselves. We just keep ignoring the huge number of red flags.

Now we can try to blame the crazy person. But the fact is that we have the blame. We are to blame for staying. You are to blame for staying. You did this to yourself. 

Some people think that the question is why do you keep picking the crazy ones. That's not the question. The crazy one picks you. They do it by a process of elimination. See all the other men she tried this nonsense with dumped her the moment she started it. You, on the other hand were the last man standing.. well until you did not buy that ring and marry her (thank goodness you did not).

The real question is why do you have such lousy boundaries. You need strong boundaries. And when a person cross one ONE TIME, you dump them. At most you give them 2 times, one more time after you tell them how lousy what they did was. If they repeat it's dumpsville.

Here is a boundary. 

"I will not date a woman who makes huge, crazy, unilateral changes that affect me." Her moving 3,000 miles to be near you was a huge unilateral, crazy move. No sane woman moves to where some guy lives to pursue him with no assurances. 

How did she finance this move? How did she support herself and her child after the move? Is she independently wealthy? Was she able to get a good job immediately? Or did she and her daughter move in with you and mooch off you?

Another boundary: "I will not stay with a woman who keeps pushing for a relationship time-line that is different from what I want. It means that we are not compatible." 

Note that the boundaries about now about making her do anything. It's about you knowing what your limits/ boundaries are and sticking to them.

There are some very good books out there on how to set healthy boundaries. I suggest that you get a couple of them and write down the boundaries that you need to keep things from happening as they did in this relationship and in your previous ones. Write them down so that you can check them often. When you get into a new relationship, check them at least once a week. If some new woman crosses one of your boundaries... stop seeing her.

This way you will be free of the crazy ones and have the time to find a good, sane woman.

.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Toxic, BPD chick. Great sex though. You'll be susceptable. Beware the Sirens.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks Elegirl and everyone else for your help. I am in counseling over all this and progress is very slow. I am taking care of myself by exercising, eating healthy, and living a healthy lifestyle. I notice from time to time that there is some improvement in my recovery but it is piecemeal and in small bits. Sometimes I take one step forward and two steps backwards. It seems to always come back to trying to make sense of police involvement and the courts. I thought maybe I would get an apology for her end game drama. She ruined a long term friendship I had with a guy that she barely even knew. She never looked back at the damage she caused in her wake.

Another problem I notice I have with coming to terms with crazy people like her is the crazy behavior was not happening all the time on a daily basis. She appeared functional most of the time which kept me in the game. Then there would be an odd experience like when she told me to get on my hands and knees and propose to her like it is coming from my heart. I went through the motions but she knew I was not ready and demanded I start over and repeat my proposal with conviction and passion. I did not pass the audition and that started a fight and I walked out. I should have left for good at that point but I felt she needed me to save her so I stuck around.

She always acted like a wounded soul that needed rescuing until the day she finally had enough and replaced me with my ex best friend. That is when my nightmare began. How could this fragile damsel in distress turn evil? I could not piece it together in a logical sense. I could no longer talk to her about it because she had called the police and then the restraining order. right before I finally offered her the ring that she begged for, she had called me up drunk and we were on the phone for two hours. I tried to rationalize things with her. I could tell that she had entered into a smear campaign with my ex friend and they were trashing me back and forth. No matter how hard I tried during that phone call, I was not going to convince her back on my good side. She had checked out. She had been sold a bill of goods by my ex friend and vice versa. My last attempt to win back her love was the ring. Then came the dagger by going to the police. The rest is history.

I am trying to take care of myself now. I have to realize that you can't fix a crazy person. One of my problems is I blame myself for causing her to finally break up with me and call the police on me. The shame I have for having someone call the police on me has damaged my soul.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why do you feel shame for having the police called on you? You did nothing wrong. She made up a bunch of lies and the police were just doing their job. The only way you should feel shame is if you really were stalking her, harassing her, posing a threat to her. Which you weren't.

I'm sure false accusations followed by a court case is very traumatizing. But you should feel anger, not shame. I hope you continue working with the therapist to put this hellish ordeal behind you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think you did the right thing by holding off. You recognized deep in your gut that something didn't feel right so you acted on it and decided to hold off. That turned out to be the right choice. It's definitely better to do that that to have big problems with a wife that you would have to pay to get rid of. I was in a similar situation where something didn't feel right for me either but I decided to get married anyway. Now look where I am, in a 25 year marriage I would have to hock my shorts to get rid of so I have to stay miserable. Think of yourself as lucky you didn't end up married to this woman. Now you are free to find the right one.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Why do you feel shame for having the police called on you? You did nothing wrong. She made up a bunch of lies and the police were just doing their job. The only way you should feel shame is if you really were stalking her, harassing her, posing a threat to her. Which you weren't.
> 
> I'm sure false accusations followed by a court case is very traumatizing. But you should feel anger, not shame. I hope you continue working with the therapist to put this hellish ordeal behind you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe in her mind I was harassing her. I read in an article about borderlines and distortions. If they were sexually abused as children, they may transfer their fear of their abusive parent onto their current lover. hard to imagine.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

When I tried to talk to her the day after she called me 5 times drunk, I tried to reach out to her to continue our discussion since she sobered up. I never thought of it as harassment but if I triggered her abuse as a child, distortion may have caused her to fear me if she identified me as her abusive parent in her subconscious mind. This stuff is too deep to comprehend but explained as a possible theory by my therapist.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

GS as long as you refuse to look in the right place you will never find your answers. Do you know where that right place is? It is within YOU. As long as you remain focused on her, what she did, how she did it, why she did it, your best friend, you will NEVER find your answer. So far every post of yours in this thread is just chocked full of excuses and rationalizations. Ask yourself if it is normal for a person to have to audition to get engaged. Ask yourself if it is normal to be expected to beg. Your problem with this situation is not her it is you. You allowed it to happen. You need to man up and take care of yourself. Eating right, exercising is all good, but your real issue is how you think. Work on fixing that. That's it for me here. I am through reading the excuses and rationalizations.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Ynot said:


> GS as long as you refuse to look in the right place you will never find your answers. Do you know where that right place is? It is within YOU. As long as you remain focused on her, what she did, how she did it, why she did it, your best friend, you will NEVER find your answer. So far every post of yours in this thread is just chocked full of excuses and rationalizations. Ask yourself if it is normal for a person to have to audition to get engaged. Ask yourself if it is normal to be expected to beg. Your problem with this situation is not her it is you. You allowed it to happen. You need to man up and take care of yourself. Eating right, exercising is all good, but your real issue is how you think. Work on fixing that. That's it for me here. I am through reading the excuses and rationalizations.


Thanks. I get it.


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