# Help, 15 year marriage, sex has deteriorated to infrequent passionless obligation



## Jacob_Vent (Jul 21, 2010)

15 years together and our sex life has dissolved into once every 3-4 weeks of 5-10 minutes "get it over with" sex. we are both in our late 30's

for the first 8 years or so of our time together we had sex every day to every other day. and it was very good. I always made sure she was satisfied first and was open to anything she wanted me to do for her, with her and to her she requested.


At the 8 year plus point it almost abruptly became 1-2 times per week with less contact and variety. 2 years ago it became 1 to maybe 2 times per month and the passion is completely gone, with perhaps 1-2 peck kisses followed by her waiting for me to climb on her. She lay nearly motionless during it all.

I feel as though I should do her and me both a favor at this point and just decline any further uncomfortable sex.

I know my wife loves me and am sure she is not cheating either. What I have not been able to resolve is her decreasing interest in sex which has become for lack of a more graceful analogy, master bating in my partner. It does not feel right.

Over the last 6-7 years her interest in me physically has been lessening. Kissing went from very passionate to less and less open mouth....to never, and now kissing her is a peck on the lips like you would give to your grandmother.

She is uncomfortable with me touching her breasts or her woman parts as well, to the point it is pretty much a total hands off situation. I have stopped trying.

She has also lost all interest in exploring my body as well. Oral sex is something we performed on one another which is long gone and sex itself which feels like a get it done activity consists of missionary only.

To add a little helpful info I am the exact same weight I was when we met 15+ years ago. 6'1" 165 lbs and I maintain the same level of fitness I did back then. I am meticulous about my oral hygene as well as all personal grooming and do not dress in any way like a slob. I think I look good and still get an occasional second glance from a pretty lady once in a while.

She prefers long hair and to accomdate her I have kept it the length she likes. Facial hair is also to her preference, clean shaven with an occasional scruffy look when we go out because she likes the look.

I have tried over the last several years to get her to talk about her growing lack of interest and she is not very open about it, she just gets very quiet. I have been very gentle about broaching the subject and have suggested counceling which she says she is not interested in. any talk of medical solutions has been declined as well.

I love my wife and love my kids. My wife is my best friend and we are open and compatible on every other level in our relationship which started out of nowhere and has been getting worse. 

I have never cheated on her, but I am growing so frustrated I find myself looking around (with my eyes) a lot more than is normal and find myself dreaming about other women and fantasizing about encounters now.

I am not looking for justification for cheating. I am just very frustrated and am hoping someone here has some suggestions for me. I can not end my marriage to her on this alone, but I can not ignore my deepening frustration any longer either and so I find myself at an impass.

I need physical passion with another person. Masterbation will not substitute for contact with another person on a passionate level. 

My frustration has gone from being silent to a bit more passive aggressive. I feel every day that I am somehow undesireable and unworthy of her passion. 

Sex is very important to men, I can not speak on the comparatve importance it has for women, but the little peck kissing that we have left seems very important to my wife still and I feel now only anger when she wants a kiss from me.

I feel like what little desire she has for physical affection I am giving her and my needs are an uncomfortable task to be done as infrequently as possible. I find myself avoiding her peck kisses and hugs now, getting an unhealthy satisfaction in seeing her dissapointment. This is not good I know and the start of worsening a problem already dire.

I am an honorable husband and have always been, but I find myself now rationalizing that if I were to find someone to satisfy my physical needs to truly embrace with someone that I would be able to cope with my wifes lack of interest in me and be content.

I know this is not possible and would only breed eventual dissaster for my family which is my biggest priority.

We still have good times together, we see movies, enjoy eating out at the same restaurants. We go on long drives together up to the mountains and chat for hours about the books we read and ideas we have. She truly is my best friend, and I want the two beautiful kids we have together to grow up knowing their two parents still love each other and are happily married. Something neither my wife or I had growing up.

I love her but I am just completely lost.

Can someone please help me here? am I in the right place?


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Your post sounds so very much like my situation. I was recommended a book titled "SexStarved Marriage - A Couples Guide..". I read it and then gave it to my wife and asked her to read chapter 1 to start. I told her that sex was an important part of marriage and that I didn't sign up for celibacy when I married her. I like to think the light bulb turned on with her. Our relationship is better. We are still working on our communication. But, using the book helped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

this is not an uncommon problem discussed in here. both men and women have experienced this with their partners. i suggest you read back on several of the other threads. there are a myriad of causes and possible solutions. while all of them sound similar on the surface, the true causes are usually unique to each couple.


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