# How to make yourself content with your unhappy sex life?



## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

Hi all, 
I got married more than a year ago and I am very unhappy about my sex life. Before we got married I wasn't happy about it either but I thought sex is not everything. We get along very well and we love each other very much. We have pretty good life over all. I feel bad that I am not happy with my sex life. After all there are so many good things in this relationship. I don't know maybe there is something wrong with me.
I talk to my husband about how unhappy I am with my sex life and he said he would fix it but nothing seems happening. I don't want to get divorce. I am hoping maybe there is thing that I do so that I will be happy somehow or maybe I have a problem so I can fix it. So my problem is following:

1. We only have sex when he wants it. He says I don't know how to seduce him. I have more sex drive than him so it is very frustrating and it doesn't help myself stream. In my previous relationship I didn't have any problem with seducing my partner. Things usually happen naturally and nobody complained that I am not good at it. It made me so confused about myself.

2. He watches porn and masturbate almost daily. He says it is nothing to do with us not having sex. I think he rather want to masturbate than having sex with me. It hurts to think about it. Specially now that I just had baby. My body isn't looking good as used to be. I feel like I am not turning him on anymore. He says it is not true but I think it is. 

I don't know how are we going to spend rest our life together. Since I got into this marriage knowing I am not going to be happy in my sex life. I had to do something. What should I do? Do you think seeing therapist would help? Any advice for me. Thank you for your time.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Sex is just one aspect of marraige ... if that is THE DEAL BREAKER there you go...leave

Otherwise focus on you and the rest marriage entails.
You control your own happiness and you control your actions.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2lil4ever said:


> Hi all,
> I got married more than a year ago and I am very unhappy about my sex life. Before we got married I wasn't happy about it either but I thought sex is not everything. We get along very well and we love each other very much. We have pretty good life over all. I feel bad that I am not happy with my sex life. After all there are so many good things in this relationship. I don't know maybe there is something wrong with me.
> I talk to my husband about how unhappy I am with my sex life and he said he would fix it but nothing seems happening. I don't want to get divorce. I am hoping maybe there is thing that I do so that I will be happy somehow or maybe I have a problem so I can fix it. So my problem is following:
> 
> ...


Porn can be a bad thing. If you two do it together, and have sex after or during the porn, great.

If he watches porn, gets pleasure wacks and have release, he will reduce his sensitivity towards the real thing - you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like his porn use is a problem, so I suggest that you ask him to stop using it and focus on you instead. (If he won't you have other problems, too!) I also suggest that you do a little research on seduction and try things out on him - basically, initiate and find ways that appeal to him (or, ask him to tell you what works for him, since he seems to know what doesn't!).

If all that doesn't make much difference, suggest MC. And if that doesn't help, divorce him!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

1st, do NOT have any kids! Things will only get worse with kids. Fix this first!

This motif has been discussed a lot here. You should read a lot of the other threads. 

If he is into Porn...it means he is into sex...a lot--Just not into sex with you!

You did not mention what type of porn, but that is important. What type is it? Is it gay porn? Then you are S.O.L. He likes guys. If it is pretty much any type of heterosexual porn...THAT is what turns him on. You need to experiment around with THAT type specifically. If it is watching blow jobs, get a camera set up and give him a BJ. If it is bondage, get some handcuffs and tittie clamps, and play around with light bondage (either him or you as the dominant one, whichever he likes). If he is into prostitutes, or transgender sex, or whatever...you can Role Play that particular item without any risk. Transgender...get a strap on for you to use on him. Role play that you are that type of person!

The idea is to direct his horny thoughts off of the internet, and onto your body.

If after this little experiment is over...and you are needing to do all sorts of perverted things to get him to cum...and you might not be into it all, then that is a good time to decide to divorce him. But you might find that he is happy with some pretty tame kinky stuff, and you might even find you like it too. So experiment around, learn what works, and see if you can live with it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

A few things...

First, try to plan sex. In the morning, tell him you expect to get f***'d that night. That way if masturbation is an issue, he can hold off. It also raises the expectation of him performing.

Second, keep trying to initiate. You don't want to get down the road and complain about lack of sex and have him tell you "well, I didn't realize you wanted sex because you never said anything."

Third, phrase it to him that you need a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with him. Not just "sex". Make it sound like it's part of the marriage, which it is.

Fourth, tell him you promised monogamy but not celibacy. A fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship goes hand-in-hand with faithfulness.

Finally, unless you can live like this divorce must be on the table.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Blowjobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

2lil4ever said:


> 1. We only have sex when he wants it. He says I don't know how to seduce him. I have more sex drive than him so it is very frustrating and it doesn't help myself stream. In my previous relationship I didn't have any problem with seducing my partner. Things usually happen naturally and nobody complained that I am not good at it. It made me so confused about myself.
> 
> 2. He watches porn and masturbate almost daily. He says it is nothing to do with us not having sex. I think he rather want to masturbate than having sex with me. It hurts to think about it. Specially now that I just had baby. My body isn't looking good as used to be. I feel like I am not turning him on anymore. He says it is not true but I think it is.
> 
> I don't know how are we going to spend rest our life together. Since I got into this marriage knowing I am not going to be happy in my sex life. I had to do something. What should I do? Do you think seeing therapist would help? Any advice for me. Thank you for your time.


1. Ignore your first point. This is nothing more that him playing on your insecurities. Completely forget about this.

2. THIS is the problem. Your husband is addicted to porn. There is nothing you can do to fix your sex life until he gives up porn entirely. He has crossed the line from harmless occasional porn viewing to daily, harmful porn USE which prevents him from having a normal sexualized response to a real life wife.

Cut off all sex and insist he get into therapy for his porn addiction. Just like the alcoholic must admit he has a drinking problem and take steps to end all drinking, your husband MUST understand his porn use is ruining your marriage and only when he completely stops porn will your marriage have a chance of improving.


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

I think it is deal breaker I didn't think through before I got married. I don't think I leave him. I hope we resolve this issue somehow.


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank you everybody, I got good perspective. Good news is that he is not gay. He watches heterosexual porn. I need to see what kind though. I think marriage counseling is definitely on the table. I don't see how we continue without marriage counseling. 

Other problem is that we have 2 months old baby. When I was pregnant everything was good. I don't have to worry about sex at all. We cant have sex so it was good. Now that I am sexually active again. It creates problem for me. 

I agree that he has porn addiction that he doesn't want to admit. 

I did promised monogamy but not celibacy. I like that quote. I will use this line for sure when I talk to him. 

Funny things is that he thinks we have great sex life. Its really hard to complain all the time. I am the one who always bring out sex problem. I wish he talks openly about it. When it comes to sex talk it feels like there is some kind of wall between us. 

I feel so much better talking about it with you all. Because it is kind of hard topic to talk to anybody. I feel great just letting it out of my chest. Thank you all.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You ever watch a dog race? Going around in circles chasing a fake rabbit and going nowhere? That's what trying to compete with porn is like. Trying to analyze and copy his porn preferences is a foolish and ineffective suggestion. Don't waste your time. He needs to figure out that it's a problem. If you raise the bar he'll just raise it further.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

2lil4ever said:


> Thank you everybody, I got good perspective. Good news is that he is not gay. He watches heterosexual porn. I need to see what kind though. I think marriage counseling is definitely on the table. I don't see how we continue without marriage counseling.
> 
> Other problem is that we have 2 months old baby. When I was pregnant everything was good. I don't have to worry about sex at all. We cant have sex so it was good. Now that I am sexually active again. It creates problem for me.
> 
> ...


Being a man and a Porn user sometimes and an a porn addict prior...


He likely uses porn because those girls do anything, I doubt he is attached to any one girl and uses it as an outlet because you are not seen as willing or caring for any of his "perverted" needs.

What this means is you are his wife and YES you are responsible for in a way his porn use. You do not provide what he needs... I'm pretty sure that is where he is at...again porn girls never say no to anything.

He might like oral, anal, bondage, butkake, masturbation, three ways whatever...you are not seen as providing that which also explains the dissatisfaction that you have too.

As long as you don't meet his need he will seek it.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, you mentioned your sex life was not great even before you got married. Was it ever really what you wanted and just the last couple years its changed? Cause if its always been like that and it didnt bother you to still get married than that is kind of on you too. 

Have you tried to seduce him at all or do you wait for him to make the first move? Dont let him get out of the conversations about your sex life and what you are wanting and needing. Make him answer you. Communication is a big key in these type of situations. Confront him on the porn too and make him realize the issue with this. Best of luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Another good example of how t2 causes more harm than good, blaming this new member for not acting like a porn fantasy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He thinks you guys have a great sex life because between porn and masturbating and you, his sexual needs are being met. He's an ass. If you need to lay out a boundary about marriage counseling and working on this, you need to be willing to enforce it. Are you prepared for him to say no to going? What would you do next?

What about you using a toy and taking care of yourself in the bedroom, regardless of him being there or not? For many guys, that would get their motor running, and you wouldn't need the toy for long (unless you wanted it). And if not, he'd be aware that he's not meeting your needs. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This young woman is a new mother of a 2 month old. She's probably plenty emotional already. The last thing she needs is to be blamed for this.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Another good example of how t2 causes more harm than good, blaming this new member for not acting like a porn fantasy.


I explain his thought process...she needs to know

Does he need everything no but he needs something rather than nothing he wants just reminds him how lousy his sex life is

For instance I am big into oral ... if I don't get pleasured orally at all it sucks I can understand not swallowing but geez do something spit whatever at least try

Porn girls never say no and always ready

She is seeking answers and I don't sugar coat


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You ever watch a dog race? Going around in circles chasing a fake rabbit and going nowhere? That's what trying to compete with porn is like. Trying to analyze and copy his porn preferences is a foolish and ineffective suggestion. Don't waste your time. He needs to figure out that it's a problem. If you raise the bar he'll just raise it further.


Do you think If I stop having sex with him, he will go cheat?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

2lil4ever said:


> Do you think If I stop having sex with him, he will go cheat?


Doubtful..rather continue porn. Porn is common. Many men believe in commitment


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Being a man and a Porn user sometimes and an a porn addict prior...
> 
> 
> He likely uses porn because those girls do anything, I doubt he is attached to any one girl and uses it as an outlet because you are not seen as willing or caring for any of his "perverted" needs.
> ...


He said he watched porn everyday since he was 16 years old. I don't think I have nothing to do with it. I asked about his sexual fantasy he said he has none. obviously its not true.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

2lil4ever said:


> Do you think If I stop having sex with him, he will go cheat?



Stop having sex or stop initiating it? If he won't initiate with you but will with someone else in order to cheat then you've got a huge problem. 

But the answer is, I don't know enough about your husband to know for sure. 

Question, would you describe him as lazy?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

2lil4ever said:


> He said he watched porn everyday since he was 16 years old. I don't think I have nothing to do with it. I asked about his sexual fantasy he said he has none. obviously its not true.


He won't tell you because :

A. It will NOT in his mind change anything and still won't matter
B. It will disgust you
C. Hes afraid to talk to you about it


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> OP, you mentioned your sex life was not great even before you got married. Was it ever really what you wanted and just the last couple years its changed? Cause if its always been like that and it didnt bother you to still get married than that is kind of on you too.
> 
> Have you tried to seduce him at all or do you wait for him to make the first move? Dont let him get out of the conversations about your sex life and what you are wanting and needing. Make him answer you. Communication is a big key in these type of situations. Confront him on the porn too and make him realize the issue with this. Best of luck.


I do think it is my fault that I move forward without thinking everything through. 

I did try to seduce him he said I am not good at it or he is tired, stressed or sleepy. 

I do agree we need to communicate. I feel bad that I am the one who always talk about sex.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How do you try to seduce him? 

Last night I came to bed. It's about 85 degrees out and my wife has the blanket up to her neck. She's nude underneath and hiding. That's her attempt at seducing me.


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Stop having sex or stop initiating it? If he won't initiate with you but will with someone else in order to cheat then you've got a huge problem.
> 
> But the answer is, I don't know enough about your husband to know for sure.
> 
> Question, would you describe him as lazy?


I would say both. I am done complaining about it. Unless he comes with solution of his problem. 

He is not lazy, he is very hard working, more like workaholic.


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

PBear said:


> He thinks you guys have a great sex life because between porn and masturbating and you, his sexual needs are being met. He's an ass. If you need to lay out a boundary about marriage counseling and working on this, you need to be willing to enforce it. Are you prepared for him to say no to going? What would you do next?
> 
> What about you using a toy and taking care of yourself in the bedroom, regardless of him being there or not? For many guys, that would get their motor running, and you wouldn't need the toy for long (unless you wanted it). And if not, he'd be aware that he's not meeting your needs.
> 
> ...


I don't know whats next. He may not going to go to MC. I like the idea that I take care of myself. I am tired of complaining to him.


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> He won't tell you because :
> 
> A. It will NOT in his mind change anything and still won't matter
> B. It will disgust you
> ...


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## 2lil4ever (Jul 16, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> How do you try to seduce him?
> 
> Last night I came to bed. It's about 85 degrees out and my wife has the blanket up to her neck. She's nude underneath and hiding. That's her attempt at seducing me.


I would do something like your wife or sometimes I do wear sexy lingerie, cuddle with ..etc.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

2lil4ever said:


> Trying2figureitout said:
> 
> 
> > He won't tell you because :
> ...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

2lil4ever said:


> 2. He watches porn and masturbate almost daily. He says it is nothing to do with us not having sex. I think he rather want to masturbate than having sex with me. It hurts to think about it. Specially now that I just had baby. My body isn't looking good as used to be. I feel like I am not turning him on anymore. He says it is not true but I think it is.


This is the problem right here. He needs to stop, or you need to leave. I am not a "porn hater" like some people are here, but when porn prevents a person from having real sex, then its a big problem. 

Confront him on this. If he refuses to stop and change his ways, tell him you are done.

I'm curious, did you know about his porn use before marriage ?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bottom line... He's a porn addict and needs treatment for his addiction.

Forget MC right now. His problems are HIS (addict since age 16) and he needs IC and probably a 12-step program.

If he won't admit his problem and get treatment it's time to pull the plug on this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Too bad you didn't realize what a problem this would be before you got married and decided to have a child. Now you need to do everything possible to reach a solution that you both can live with. Your husband does not think there is a problem because he has no problem. He loves you but he cannot understand how you feel. He has an addiction that will be a lifelong struggle for him. It will only be solved when it makes him unhappy. That may never happen. His addiction did not interfer with getting a loving wife and child and home. 

The advice you have had so far is excellent and I hope you follow-up. One other thing I would suggest is to cool things with him a bit. Give him a chance to come to you. What ever you do, don't try to compete with porn by becoming a porn actress. It won't work. Doing more than you are doing now will solve nothing. In fact, if can manage, stop initiating for a week and see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP the problem here is that he is content with his current situation and you are not. It's pretty difficult to get anyone to change under those circumstances. I would suggest you start focusing on you and what you think you should do and stop trying to change him. Only he can recognize he has a problem and seek the help he needs. If you have no kids don't make any. I think to should think about getting a divorce and moving on. This is pretty ingrained behavior by no since he has done it since 16. Not likely to change


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