# 8 months later and still no closer to reconciliation



## peetybird (Dec 8, 2012)

Ok, here is a very abbreviated narrative. It leaves out many details that I don’t think have much to do with the question now at hand.
8 months ago my wife of 18 years decided that she had enough of what she has described as her “inability to practice her religion in her own home”. She moved into the basement of an older couple that she paid to finish (I did most of the labor to help save her money). Since then she has been living rent free minus a contribution to the couple’s grocery budget. I pay her car payment, her insurance (medical and car), and her cell phone bill (it’s combined with mine) even though she has a full time job as an RN. We have two teenage boys, 14 and 17, that go between residences as my job takes me away from home for 3 – 4 days at a time. We have seen a marriage counselor, but she has taken a position that she has no role to play in our marriage problems and as such won’t go unless I prod her to do so. She won’t see a counselor regarding her own issues on a one on one basis because, even though she acknowledges she has problems, our marriage is my fault. Meanwhile she has sent out a mass email to friends and family for Christmas that stated she had moved out and that the reason was because I had “disavowed god” and that my “anger” prevents her from “practicing her religion in her own home”. She shares private emails between myself and her with one of her single, divorced, friends. This friend, and others, gives her their opinions about me and our relationship. They don’t know me, they haven’t even met me, yet she seems to be taking their advice to heart.
After 8 months we are no closer to reconciliation, in fact we are very likely much further from it. She recently gave the MC an entirely different reason for our breakup. This was not a new complaint per se, but it was new as a principle issue, one that should have been listed 8 months ago. So here is what I am trying to figure out. Given that she takes no responsibility for her part of the relationship. And given that she has been committing some serious boundary violations, and given that she changes her principle complaint, is there any possibility that our marriage can be saved? Or should I just say “enough” and tell her I am done and want a divorce? She will not be the one to ask for a divorce, for many reasons, but mostly because her method of operation requires her to be the “victim”. I have read Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by, Diane Vaughan and found it most helpful. My mind is convinced that it is essentially over, but my heart keeps me hanging on looking for hope. I think part of my problem is that I still love her, hoping that she will recognize this has been blown completely out of proportion. I don’t know how we (she) would be able to undo the collateral damage regarding friends and family at this point. My kids think we are each cowards for not acknowledging the obvious fact that it is over. Any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like she has not given you the indication that if you make certain changes she would consider reconciliation.
Did you really “disavow God” and did you express anger over her religious practices?
It’s time to start giving her what she wants… she’s move on so show here what life will be like without you. 
I think it’s time for you to interact with her via 180 (see link in my signature block below).
If the two of you have joint bank accounts, open ones in your name only and move 50% of all funds into your new account. Change your paycheck auto pay to go to your new account.
Stop paying her car payment, her auto insurance and her cell phone bill. Let her get her own cell phone plan and pay it herself. It’s time that she pays her own way.

What % of your joint income does she earn? What state do you live in? I ask this because knowing this would help to know things like if you will owe her any support, etc.


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## peetybird (Dec 8, 2012)

Thats the problem with abbreviated posts, it is hard to get the full picture. The changes she has alluded to involve, essentially, returning to her faith. Without naming said religion lets just say it is very cultish. This simply is impossible on my part. It will not happen, as such it is a non-starter.

Yes, I became an angry athiest at first, now I am just an athiest. I have studied religion for the last 6 years or so, and have found kindred spirits in Buddhism (not as a religion, rather a way of seeing things).

I have looked at the 180 and for the most part that is where we have ended up. It is impossible to do it completely with the kids, but for all intents and purposes thats where we are.

We have seperate bank accounts. She doesn't touch mine, I don't touch hers, so no problem there. I have been giving serious consideration to telling her its time to start paying her own car payment, insurance etc.. I just feel like that would be tantamount to saying I want a divorce, this is why I haven't done it yet. I know I should, but I can afford to keep doing it and thats why I haven't approached her about it yet.

Her job is new as of the last year, as I don't have her W2 yet, and I don't have access to her account, I am not sure what her income is compared to mine. Educated guess is about 65% of what I make. We live in MN and I have done a lot of research on how a divorce is likely to go down in this state. She has stated openly that she doesn't want the house, or anything from me. She wants more than anything to walk away debt free, so as to start with a clean slate. I am willing to allow for her to take whatever she wants out of the house to help start a new life, and to not pursue her for her part of the debt owing on the house (we are upside down like most people). I can afford to make our obligations on my income alone, as she was a stay at home mother up until she got this job last year.

I hope that answers your questions. Like everyone else on here, its much more complicated than what I can put into one post. Thanks for your reply!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you say, you have been very understanding to her in al of this. It sounds like you have shown her the best side youself. There is really not much else you can do. So yes it's time to take the next step and put pressure on her. Right now it's too easy for her.

If you have any chance at all of getting her back it will be by you doing something that she does not expect. That can be for you to stop paying her bills and filing for divorce. A divorce can be strung out for long time and it can even be stopped anytime before the judge signs the final decree. There is even remarriage after divorce.

You have two choices right now. Continue as you are or file for divorce. If you continue as you are, nothing will change.


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## peetybird (Dec 8, 2012)

Thats what I have been thinking. Its funny because she has repeatedly stated that the "status quo" will not last indefinitely. She is right about that part. I would very much like for the divorce to be done through a mediator. I am very optimistic that this would be possible. It would save us each a lot of money and agony. I just need to be certain I have given it all I could. I know 100% is impossible, but 90% certainty would be nice.

I just don't see my telling her it is time to start paying her bills as a positive step forward as far as our marriage goes. She will interpret that as synonymous with asking for divorce. I guess I could approach her about it and see what she says. But I am tired of paying for her lifestyle while she does nothing to work towards reconciliation. Whats even more ironic is that my parents are starting to question if I should keep staying with her, and they are the type to be very committed to staying together no matter what.....

The hardest part is knowing that in the end, she chose her faith over her husband of 18 years. I may be myopic, but from where I stand they were largely good years. I just don't get it.


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