# Some posters do more harm than good?



## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi. I'm new here, been skulking around in the background as many do, before actually posting anything! I guess I just wondered whether you all feel whether some posters on here can do more harm than good sometimes in their 'advice'?

It's takes me aback at times when I see someone posting some fairly innocent and common marriage problems and very quickly gets advised "install snooping technology", "he's having an affair", "it's over, move on", etc. 

These are easy things to say from behind a keyboard, but I wonder if the posters think about the effects this advice can have on the person with the problem?

I think we have a duty to be supportive as much as possible, instead of allowing our own bad relationship experiences to cloud our judgement on other couples' issues. Am I being naive - is there so little we can do once the marriage problems start, to save the marriage? 

I'm married 10 years, some downs, mostly ups, pretty happy, fortunately no experience of EAs, so I never offer advice in that forum. Just wondered if I'm alone in getting annoyed at the doom-mongers at times?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm not sure if some do more harm than good. I guess it might all depend on the way the person on the receiving end perceives the advice given. 

I have seen some posters offer really good advice but may come across as being harsh. My guess is that may or may not have been their intention, but regardless, the person on the receiving end can chose how to react to that. I think to it depends on if the person on the receiving end follows the advice given and actually applies it to their life.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I agree with you. While the advice is often on the mark, there are also good marriages worth saving that can be flushed down the toilet with the whole Rambo/Man-Up/snoop/play games junk that usually starts flying here. I guess we each have to just take it for what the advice here is, someone's opinion. And when we post just try to remember that these are real people with real relationships and not some one strategy works every time video game.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I agree when it comes to the "it's over" comments, but personally people telling me or my wife "you're both f--ked up" ends up empowering us to stay together. Strange I guess... one thing we both have is a rebellious streak.

But there has been tough advice on this forum, many of which has been helpful. In fact... AFEH in my recent thread on the men's clubhouse helped me see the light amidst my anger and frustration. It's tough advice but he has helped a lot.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Hopefully when people come looking for advice, I hope they understand these are just opinions. I don't think they are right or wrong necessarily. Any advice given doesn't mean that person will take the advice. 

I have seen some posters respond in a harsh manner. Others are more kind but firm. Some are very nice. I have also seen some posters ask a question, seek advice, and when they get a response, they go off on the person that gave them the advice, not because the person was ugly to them, but because the poster didn't like what was told to them, even when it wasn't in a bad tone/manner.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think a lot of posts have value, but writing style varies from poster to poster. Also, people tend to draw on their experiences as well and mentally mold other posts to their situations. I think this can be positive or negative. I think the person reading has to keep this in mind and weigh the responses.

People giving advice aren't trying to make decisions for people, but rather introduce them to ideas they might not have thought of.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I'mAllIn said:


> I agree with you. While the advice is often on the mark, there are also good marriages worth saving that can be flushed down the toilet with the whole Rambo/Man-Up/snoop/play games junk that usually starts flying here. I guess we each have to just take it for what the advice here is, someone's opinion. And when we post just try to remember that these are real people with real relationships and not some one strategy works every time video game.


The receiver needs to understand the advice. If someone is told to ManUp they need to realize that doesn't mean to run around yelling, cursing, hitting folks. Just like you labled it "junk" but if you actually looked at the real principles behind it they would be things you've always aspired to be. What happens is people throw around terms like Alpha or man-up not realizing that most people come in with a preconceived idea of what those terms mean. So the receiver either A.) Doesn't look into the advice and ignores it or B.) Takes the advice but doesn't research into the principles behind those terms.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO, sometimes its not so much about whether its good or bad advice, as it is how the person asking for it perceives what was said to them. 

Bottom line, when you post in a public forum, you're going to get all kinds of different responses.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

DoYouWoo said:


> Hi. I'm new here, been skulking around in the background as many do, before actually posting anything! I guess I just wondered whether you all feel whether some posters on here can do more harm than good sometimes in their 'advice'?
> 
> It's takes me aback at times when I see someone posting some fairly innocent and common marriage problems and very quickly gets advised "install snooping technology", "he's having an affair", "it's over, move on", etc.
> 
> ...


The vast majority post in the interest of saving a marriage, but have information limited to the specifics that the original poster provides
Often the advice is based on the situation. Red flags that EA or PA taking place? Snooping is justified to prove there isn't someone else. You cannot fix a marriage when there is an active affair taking place. Manning up? Marriages with a healthy foundation are improved when a spouse isn't a doormat. The 180? This is not intended as a game. It is intended to emotionally protect an abandoned spouse. Bonus to the 180 is that as a byproduct it can save a marriage.
It isn't so much doom and gloom as it is steps that have worked for many people to save or strengthen their relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The start snooping, VAR, Hard 180 responses are always due to infidelity.

I think typically, when your gut is telling you there is cheating (EA or PA) going on, it usually is. If you feel it enough to post questions about it, it usually is happening.

I think it is good advice to be vigilant when you think this might be happening. It is very important to stop any infidelity as soon as possible.

The important message is not to let your spouse know you are doing this. You don't want to tip them off, so they can hide their infidelity. You also don't want to piss them off, if your gut is wrong.

If there is nothing going on, then hopefully your snooping confirms this and you can put the issue behind you. If it does confirm something, then you can act on it as soon as possible.

I really don't see anything wrong with seeing what your spouse is doing. If they are acting appropriately, then great, if not, then you were wise to be watching.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Like anything, you have to "separate the wheat from the chaff".

Some opinions and advice may be helpful, others may not be.

Each poster needs to evaluate the information they've been given and apply it to their situation if applicable, because none of us on this board are privy to the full details of their situation.

We only get to see a very one-sided viewpoint with limited information, that's for sure.

And, I think it seems to be human nature to have people gravitate toward the more negative - or toward the problems. It's just like the evening news.

I look at it like this instead - at least people are trying to improve their marriages and at least being concerned about trying to resolve problems.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah I freely dole out doom messages to new members if they have demonstrated red flags, especially if there are ones that seem to be missed. Generally if I'm off the mark other commenters will step up to the plate and point out my mistakes. There is a lot of consensus building that goes on here, and I think that usually results in the best advice, though could see how it may differ from consensus on other sites. Some threads can be unpopular and very few comments, on those when I offer my opinion it probably carries more weight and is more susceptible to bad advice from me, but like others said this is advice on an anonymous web forum and it is up to OP to decide of they want to take it or not.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Overall, great advice on here. I sometimes feel that some are a little too quick to suggest VARs, keyloggers, etc, but then I remember that they're here for a reason as well...

But if I wanted an opinion on whether such and such is a 'red flag' or not, the responses for the most part, help make a difference, even if it's to know I'm not crazy!

I do find that I get impatient at times, when I read posts that seem so obvious to me, but the OP is making all kinds of lame excuses, etc. Again, we're all different. Take it with a grain of salt, I guess.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Oh, so you haven't seen the 'unofficial' forum guidelines? Using these guidelines, we mever nake misteaks:

Poster: Wife cranky
Reply: She's cheating, buy a VAR

Poster: Wife doesn't appreciate the gift I bought for her
Reply: You need to man up. Take some protein shakes while you're at it.

Poster: Wife depressed, cries all the time
Reply: She's cheating because you need to man up. Ever heard of protein shakes? 

Poster: Husband never spends time with me
Reply: He's cheating, expose to 7 billion people

Poster: Husband working late
Reply: He's a lying sack of $hit

Poster: Husband said I'm too obese
Reply: Men are pond scum. Kick him out.

Poster: Husband watches too much porn
Reply: He's a cheating, lying sack of $hit, and pond scum. Will you ever kick him out?

Don't you see how easy this is if you just stick to the formula?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People can give whatever advice they want. It's up to the OP to decide what is "rational" for their own situation.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Halien said:


> Oh, so you haven't seen the 'unofficial' forum guidelines? Using these guidelines, we mever nake misteaks:
> 
> Poster: Wife cranky
> Reply: She's cheating, buy a VAR
> ...


ROFL! :lol:


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Halien said:


> Oh, so you haven't seen the 'unofficial' forum guidelines? Using these guidelines, we mever nake misteaks:
> 
> Poster: Wife cranky
> Reply: She's cheating, buy a VAR
> ...


:lol: :rofl:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The issues many people choose to share and wrestle with here can be deeply personal and emotional ... especially if infidelity is involved.

Projection of one's circumstances onto those of another poster facing similar circumstances is understandable, and at times, unavoidable.

A wide array of responses is often provided. Which are of value and which are not, will always be up to the individual posting the question or issue.

If there are posters whose responses you would prefer to avoid altogether, you can use the 'Edit Ignore List' feature found under 'UserCP'


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Yeah a lot of you are right in that if you are posting about your marriage in a public forum I guess you have to expect all kinds of opinions, as we all have different experiences we draw on. I have been impressed by the efforts a lot of people go to to understand the original poster's issues etc before offering concrete advice. Just hanging out here makes me be nicer to my Mrs too ;-)


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Halien said:


> Oh, so you haven't seen the 'unofficial' forum guidelines? Using these guidelines, we mever nake misteaks:
> 
> Poster: Wife cranky
> Reply: She's cheating, buy a VAR
> ...


I am still chuckling about this 10 minutes after reading!


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I think when people post here they have to understand they are going to get varied responses. It is up to them to consider each one and weight it's merits. 

As a friend on another forum used to tell me when she offered advice= "Take what you like and leave the rest".


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I think when people post here they have to understand they are going to get varied responses. It is up to them to consider each one and weight it's merits.
> 
> As a friend on another forum used to tell me when she offered advice= "Take what you like and leave the rest".


Well, I've seen many instances where people just don't want to hear they're wrong and have only posted seeking validation for having treated their partner a certain way, however horribly! 

But yes I agree with you that I guess the nature of online forums means you need to go into them with the knowledge that it's all subjective and each response is just an opinion. As I said at the beginning, my only concern is for the 'weak-minded' who take the "burn him!" comments to heart :slap:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> *I feel there is a bit of a tendency to assume 'cheating' by many posters on this site. I have figured that is probably due to their own experiences*. One of the strengths of a site like this is the varied advice and experiences you are going to get. It allows posters to go through and decide what is most relevant for them. I'm sure people are intelligent enough to weigh what is being said and take what they like and leave the rest.


our assumption very often hold true because of the pattern in the red flags, the script if you will. I don't think anyone here (aside from Halien of course  ) always assumes infidelity, but I don't think you will be able to find any threads on here where the active members have said "definitely cheating" and actually been wrong.


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## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

I think someone coming to a forum to talk about marriage is an adult and they are old enough to evaluate whatever advice is given. I would agree that not all advice given out is helpful. Someone seeking advice, an opinion, or to just discuss an issue in their relationship is here for just that, and they may benefit from good advice from people who have been in a similar situation. Other members can also reply to, refute, or give a different side to others' opinions and advice they feel may not be right.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Dopes take bad advice. Intelligeent life form rejects it. 

Dopes reject good advice. Intellifent life form employs it. 

The key is intelligent life form can sort it out.

Dopes will eff it up one way or another. 

The results remain the same regardless of the participation here. 

This is a good palce to come for smart people to be exposed to good ideas and bad ones and for dummies to propel the inevitable.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

OP - you must have missed the post from a week or two where there was a general consensus among some posters that they were mostly correct in their take on situations and the proper course of action. So, not doom and gloom at all, just the facts jack. Just FYI.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

There is definitely no turn key solution to the recovery of a marriage in trouble. There are many different strategies, theories and situation unique facets that can't be seen or sensed though a keyboard and monitor. But people coming here are looking for solutions, generally in a time of great personal stress and feelings of loss. Early on in our recovery I wrote poetry for my wife and for myself. One of them included the following.

"Bringing you home to me escapes me for now
I know we can do this I just struggle with how 
Like standing in the fog on a huge frozen lake
Not sure of my bearings or what steps to take"

That's why I came here, looking for both hope and solutions. I didn't know where to start and was in completely unfamiliar waters in my life. I made plenty of mistakes, especially early on. But I also made enough right decisions to "Bring her home" from her EA, disconnection from me and loss of faith in our marriage. Many of the things I did flew in the face of some of the common advice given here. I considered but never "exposed" the affair, after the initial D-Day, I didn't snoop to "gather evidence" and when it was over I never demanded "transparency". All are valid strategies but simply didn't fit into my understanding of what I felt would effectively recover my marriage. I also found some great advice in the sage of others that fit our situation. At times I needed to use "tough love" to get through to her at others I had to enlist empathy and compassion to understand where her heart was, her mind or her emotions. The situation was fluid so I needed to be ready to change the plan if needed. In the end I credit the four words in my signature as my most valuable tools in recovery. Four and a half years post D-Day now we are in a stronger marriage, a deeper love and a greater appreciation for each other then ever before. 

Search for your solutions here at TAM, other web-sites, in books, your place of worship or your friends and family. Find the bits and pieces that feel right to you and your situation.


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