# Suggestions on getting her to open up



## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I've given plenty of advice on here, now I'm going to ask for some.
Question: What suggestions to you have getting my wife to talk about exploring sex more?

Background: Together 20 years (married 15.) She's easy going. Generally doesn't think about sex unless she's drunk or it has been a long time. She's relatively mid-low D (likes it once a week, but we do it up to twice a week.) I usually initiate. We never have spontaneous sex. It's mentioned at least a couple of hours before hand. Most of that might be because we have a 5 year old in the house, but she's really never been one to just do it spontaneously (sober.)

Our sex is otherwise pretty vanilla. One of 4 positions, usually in the bedroom after 10pm (because we have a 5 year old) and only after she's had 1-2 drinks to let loose. Sober and she's admittedly too uptight to get into sex.

In the past year I've responded to hints she's made about wanting more aggressive sex, so I've done that and she seems to go crazy for it. Specifically bending her over the bed and spanking her and pulling her hair and calling her dirty (without pain.) Otherwise, in general, I stopped dirty talk long ago because she'd sometimes respond negatively to it.
In fact, recently we were having sex and she literally told me to stop talking. I think I was distracting her from reaching orgasm while possibly fantasizing at that moment. Maybe she was just concentrating on relaxing and the feeling, I don't know, but it seemed like she was "somewhere else" at the time and that didn't bother me at all.

This brings me to the topic. I know there is something there that she wants or craves. I suspect she sometimes gets lost in fantasies about being with someone else. I'd certainly love to explore and maybe even liven up our sex life. For whatever reason, she has never talked about sex in terms of what shed like to do and I've never really pushed it. But I think it would be fun to ask if she had any desires or fantasies she wanted to explore. Maybe she'd be into role-play and I could help her realize some of those fantasies of not having boring sex with just her husband? Starting role-play with someone you've been with 20 years can be tricky because it's a new thing and there's that fear that your spouse will judge you or be horrified by your interests in certain roles or they'll take it personally. I don't know, it's dangerously close to admitting you want to have sex with other people in a relationship where it's not like that.

Plain and simple, I want her to think I can give her anything she wants that maybe she's afraid to ask for. If I ask her point-blank about this, I'm likely to get a response close to "no, nothing." I know I have a few role-plays I wouldn't mind exploring (roles of/with her,) but I'm reluctant to ask.

So, any specific suggestions on how to bring up the topic?
What's the best way to ask or approach the topic?
Any books with advice?
How do I get her to admit her deep secret fantasies and feel safe from judgement?
Anyone ever try this?

I know the simple answer is just ask her. It's not that simple. She's not very good at communicating how she feels. There is that fear of 
ruining a good thing. We're secure enough in our relationship and marriage and I know she loves me unconditionally to the end of time so the fear is perhaps unwarranted as I believe I could ask just about anything and no piss her off (irreparably.)

I'm inclined to leave it alone and not do anything, but I really want to do this for her. I really think she has some unsatisfied desires that haven't come out, and for whatever reason doesn't seem to want to ask for. If you where her, how would you like your husband to offer this?

Suggestions?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If it turns out that she really, honestly doesn't have fantasies or curiosities, are you prepared to let it go?

If she says no, would you believe her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Get her really drunk and then ask her.Be prepared to be shocked though,sometimes these fantasies do not include the significant other.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If she is into spanking / hair pulling, is she up for light bondage? Tie her to the bed, get her all worked up, almost to an O, then continue to tease her until she admits to a fantasy.....

(obviously only if she is interested in that sort of game).


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Whatever you do, don't share her with anyone else, and don't be a cuckold. That will kill your ego.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Just recommended this on another thread. Check out Sinclair institute maybe they have a couple DVDs you could watch together and gauge her reaction to things. Her watching other women talking openly about sex might help


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> If it turns out that she really, honestly doesn't have fantasies or curiosities, are you prepared to let it go?


Absolutely. I don't have an agenda to pursue this for my own gratification. I'm pretty happy with what I have. This is more about giving her the opportunity for something more in case she's suppressing something. This is about me getting her more excited about sex and I want to know if there is something there.


> If she says no, would you believe her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably not at first. It depends how she answers. If she's cagey about her answer then I know she's not being totally honest. If she's direct about her answer I'm inclined to believe her. I'd follow it up with assurances that she cane share without reprisal or judgement. But if she still said no, then I'd believe her and leave it alone. Either she doesn't or just doesn't want to pursue it, either way it's her choice.

I'm hoping that if nothing else it would open up a dialog to other things that she'd like outside of the relatively boring norm. Don't get me wrong the sex is pretty good and very satisfying for both of us (usually) but her getting into more rough sex lately has made me question what else she'd in to that I never knew about or hasn't discovered.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Get her really drunk and then ask her.Be prepared to be shocked though,sometimes these fantasies do not include the significant other.


I'm honestly prepared for anything at this point. I can't say I always was, but there is almost nothing she could say that would disgust or offend me. I can't say I always was but I am now.
I'm pretty secure with her no matter what. I'm also extremely open minded. My wife has in the past admitted to a few perverted things but she never does that anymore.

I've had girlfriends in the past asked for some pretty crazy things. Of course they weren't her (my wife) but I guess I've been there in a manner of speaking.


uhtred said:


> If she is into spanking / hair pulling, is she up for light bondage? Tie her to the bed, get her all worked up, almost to an O, then continue to tease her until she admits to a fantasy.....
> 
> (obviously only if she is interested in that sort of game).


That's not a half bad idea. She likes be held down. If I pin her arms behind her head she gets really turned on. I've never tied her up, but if she's into it I could do this. At least I'd know if it goes that far there might be something else. Otherwise, maybe it's a sign to leave it alone.

But really drunk, really turned on, that could work. Or it could backfire but that wouldn't be so bad.


becareful2 said:


> Whatever you do, don't share her with anyone else, and don't be a cuckold. That will kill your ego.


Absolutely not. I could never be a cuckold. I'm the opposite.
I would certainly not be offended if she told me about such a desire, but I would not approve her being with someone else. I would, however, entertain the idea of roleplaying as someone else if it suited a fantasy. (eg: pretend to be a delivery guy or whatever it is.) 


TheTruthHurts said:


> Just recommended this on another thread. Check out Sinclair institute maybe they have a couple DVDs you could watch together and gauge her reaction to things. Her watching other women talking openly about sex might help


Thank you, I'll look into that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think the key is to keep it fun. Make sure that she is comfortable that she can end any game any time she wants.

Then - its very important that you are asking her to share something that she is not comfortable sharing. You ABSOLUTELY under no conditions should get angry / upset, no matter what she says is her fantasy. It IS completely fine to say that you aren't interested in that fantasy, but don't make her feel bad for having it. 

If she wants to bring in another man, you can just say that while it sounds hot (lie), you think you would feel really strangely about it afterwards. 




JamesTKirk said:


> I'm honestly prepared for anything at this point. I can't say I always was, but there is almost nothing she could say that would disgust or offend me. I can't say I always was but I am now.
> I'm pretty secure with her no matter what. I'm also extremely open minded. My wife has in the past admitted to a few perverted things but she never does that anymore.
> 
> I've had girlfriends in the past asked for some pretty crazy things. Of course they weren't her (my wife) but I guess I've been there in a manner of speaking.
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You could read some material on submissive fantasies to get some ideas. Actually, reading with her would be ideal. In addition to talking to her, of course.

It sounds like you two could have some fun!


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The 5 year old could make things even kinkiest for you. Whoa, that sounded wrong. The kid is kinda like a parent and you two are high school kids trying to keep it quiet. Sneak into the downstairs bathroom, if you got one while the kid is watching Adventure Timenor Thomas the Train or whatever. Kid falls asleep, get to it on the couch. Just keep it quiet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my opinion it requires much more mental concentration for females to reach orgasm compared to men based on what I have read. The male orgasm is required for procreation, therefor it has evolved in such a way that most men can easily reach orgasm to donate a sperm sample when ordered to do so at the doctor's office. Meanwhile if the doctor ordered a female patient to step into a private lab, bring herself to an orgasm, and collect a vaginal lubrication sample that REQUIRED a real orgasm, I'm sure there would be a huge freaking sign outside the door that would say, "SILENCE PLEASE, STOP TALKING!"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Right after your 5year old has fallen asleep, grab your wife and pull her into the bedroom whispering "we have to be quiet so my wife doesn't hear us." Then go with that role playing if she smile or laughs.

If you haven't already, share a fantasy you have and if possible, make it a fantasy you suspect she may be super into. You know she digs physical dominance, so tell her you want to try a dubious consent role play in which you rip her clothing off (and she should wear something that is okay to throw away.) We recently did this only I didn't know about it so while he was ripping my clothing I wasn't sure what was going on, which was the mindset needed for that kind of role play. It was hot!

It's very hard to open up about fantasies. Some are best to stay tucked into our very dirty mind and some could be played out. I think your first priority is to talk to your wife about needing a few drinks to lose her inhibition. Ask her how you can help her let loose with out the booze. As a general rule though, being super aroused helps to loosen inhibitions.

Bring her to the edge of orgasm a few times and tell her she's not getting off until she tells you a fantasy. That's hot!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> It's very hard to open up about fantasies. Some are best to stay tucked into our very dirty mind and some could be played out.


Before one of my threads was deleted on the topic of fantasizing about your spouse (Most men do while most women do not), a woman commented that the female mind needs something a little more exotic to get them excited than just thinking about their husbands. So when @Anon Pink says some things are best left unmentioned, I would probably agree. 

For example on another forum (rather tame) many many years ago on the internet I was talking to this woman who had separated from her husband and she had basically given up on sex and had no desire for it. But yet the fantasies were still there and she shared them with me, and it was some stuff that I could tell that while it excited her sexually at the same time it disturbed her to think about them, so she repressed her fantasies as well as her sexual appetite because she did not really like what was lurking around in her sexual subconscious mind. I can hear you thinking, well what was it?

Her biggest fantasy was to help prepare a female virgin to learn how to please a man sexually. Then to also be there for emotional support when she has sex with a man for the first time. 

So @JamesTKirk imagine hypothetically that this is your wife's secret fantasy. How would you even begin to work with a fantasy like that in your bedroom? Would you get super excited, or would you feel the weight on your shoulders realizing that you wife is still struggling to cope with the fact that the first person she ever had sex with was her brother's girlfriend who was much older than her at the time, and was the one that encouraged her with what she needed to do to please her boyfriends sexually. 

Cause that could be the kind of stuff lurking around in there.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> If it turns out that she really, honestly doesn't have fantasies or curiosities, are you prepared to let it go?
> 
> If she says no, would you believe her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is actually important. My husband had a hard time believing that I did not fantasize. There were no "things" that I wanted. I wanted only happiness with him. The "things" were his wants that once I trusted him completely I was happy to try. And now love. But they did not enter my consciousness before that.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> That's not a half bad idea. She likes be held down. If I pin her arms behind her head she gets really turned on. I've never tied her up, but if she's into it I could do this.


You know her best. I would introduce it in a playful and disarming way. Maybe secretly order some of the fuzzy velcro bondage stuff. I think "SportSheets" makes some stuff. Then when it's your day for sex, when you get in the bedroom hold it behind your back and whisper "The safe word is BOSCO" or something as you show her what you're holding. You'll know right then from her expression if she is interested. The safe word also gives her an easy out and may allay some doubt about trying it. And if you show her what you're holding and she immediately says BOSCO, throw them in the back of the closet and hope she finds them some day...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion it requires much more mental concentration for females to reach orgasm compared to men based on what I have read. The male orgasm is required for procreation, therefor it has evolved in such a way that most men can easily reach orgasm to donate a sperm sample when ordered to do so at the doctor's office. Meanwhile if the doctor ordered a female patient to step into a private lab, bring herself to an orgasm, and collect a vaginal lubrication sample that REQUIRED a real orgasm, I'm sure there would be a huge freaking sign outside the door that would say, "SILENCE PLEASE, STOP TALKING!"


Word.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife of 25 years sounds much like yours. She hates talking about sex and is also uptight unless she has had a few. Years ago I did ask her if she had any "fantasies" and she said "no".

IMO talk less and act more. I try to introduce something new or different every time we have sex. Afterwards I judge from her reaction. Always have a safe word too. Also, many times I will try something new and get a reaction like this. "You were too aggressive, I think. It was fun, but strange. I liked it, but you scare me." etc. etc. These responses are normal for new things. In other words, it's new and frightening and she is uneasy, but somewhere in the back of her mind, she likes it. If you get this type of reaction, stay on course, she will most likely be into it, in time.

Whatever you do, do with CONFIDENCE. If you get blocked by a bad reaction or safe word, don't even get it a second thought. Stop and move on to something else as if nothing happened. The show MUST go on!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Are you able to/have you shared your fantasies with her?
If not, how do you think she would react to you opening up to her first?

The idea that popped into my mind was this. Plan a date night for the following weekend. Tell her that you are going on a fantasy date, that you will take care of everything, but that she has one required input. During the week, she needs to write on some index cards 5 sex fantasies she has had, or can think of that she would like to experience. (This way she has an out if her response would be "I don't fantasize" she can fall back on the something she would like to experience.)

Tell her those are going to get throw into a hat, and that the morning of the date you will draw one. This is so you can prepare. She doesn't get to know which one you picked until you end up in bed that night.

This will build up excitement and desire during the day for both of you. When she asks "What are you going to do with the others?" You are saving those for next date night, and she needs to contribute a new fantasy before that.

This solves her needing to verbally communicate it, and it answers your questions. Plus it sounds freaking amazing to me!!!! I would love if my hubby did this!!!!

Just a thought...have fun you two lovebirds!


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion it requires much more mental concentration for females to reach orgasm compared to men based on what I have read. The male orgasm is required for procreation, therefor it has evolved in such a way that most men can easily reach orgasm to donate a sperm sample when ordered to do so at the doctor's office. Meanwhile if the doctor ordered a female patient to step into a private lab, bring herself to an orgasm, and collect a vaginal lubrication sample that REQUIRED a real orgasm, I'm sure there would be a huge freaking sign outside the door that would say, "SILENCE PLEASE, STOP TALKING!"


I do fully agree and understand this. I mean it's nothing new. As long as I've been with women I've understood this. There was just something about stuff that has happened lately that made me thing she was holding back a bit on what would excite her, not necessarily a fantasy of another person but just something. Maybe she would just like me to be more aggressive, more sensual, or just different in a way she doesn't have to direct (surprise her.) I just wanted to remain fully open minded to any possibility.

Entering TMI territory here:
She was recently diagnosed with Lichen sclerosis. It's a skin condition that causes pain and itching (in the V and around the clitoris in her case.) It's believed to be caused by hormonal changes which coincides with her being dryer lately and lower libido. It made sex painful for her for a while (so we obviously majorly reduced it.) The only treatment offered was cortisone cream which took care of the irritation, but totally took the feeling out of her clitoris temporarily. I told her to get her hormones tested to see if there's anything there but she hasn't yet. Much to her disappointment, she can not even get aroused by oral or clitoral contact for now. Furthermore she can only have orgasm by penetration which takes extra effort on both our parts and when she does it's very intense.

My point being, that she has to concentrate (and relax, get in the zone) a lot lately to achieve orgasm so any distraction I give her messes that up (including talking.) On one hand my talking has helped her finally reach orgasm, in other cases it's just a distraction.

Which brings me full circle to what I was thinking about lately, which is getting her a toy. We used vibrators and dildos a little earlier in our relationship for foreplay, but haven't really touched them in about 10 years. Maybe if I try getting her a couple of toys might help excite play time a bit and also give her more pleasure.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JamesTKirk said:


> *It's a skin condition that causes pain and itching (in the V and around the clitoris in her case.)*
> 
> *Which brings me full circle to what I was thinking about lately, which is getting her a toy. * We used vibrators and dildos a little earlier in our relationship for foreplay, but haven't really touched them in about 10 years. Maybe if I try getting her a couple of toys might help excite play time a bit and also give her more pleasure.


If she has sensitive skin or she is a little protective that things need to be gentle down there, a toy is going to be like applying industrial strength stimulation and overwhelm her vaginal lining and sensitive parts. 

Sometimes less is more! Generally when people are a little numb in areas it is an indication that they have been overstimulated. Try a jar of coconut oil and massage her with your finger using the same pressure you would use if you had to touch your eyeball directly for an extended period of time. 

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Are you able to/have you shared your fantasies with her?
> If not, how do you think she would react to you opening up to her first?
> 
> The idea that popped into my mind was this. Plan a date night for the following weekend. Tell her that you are going on a fantasy date, that you will take care of everything, but that she has one required input. *During the week, she needs to write on some index cards 5 sex fantasies she has had, or can think of that she would like to experience. *(This way she has an out if her response would be "I don't fantasize" she can fall back on the something she would like to experience.)
> ...


If I asked my wife to do this, here is what she would put on the cards:

#1 Have me do the laundry.
#2 Take her shopping for new furniture.
#3 Me give her a break from sex.
#4 Me redo the carpets in the bedrooms to hardwood.
#5 (drumroll please) Me paint the bedrooms a new color.

There would be nothing sexual on any of the cards other than her asking for a break from me wanting too much sex!

Badsanta


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Before one of my threads was deleted on the topic of fantasizing about your spouse (Most men do while most women do not), a woman commented that the female mind needs something a little more exotic to get them excited than just thinking about their husbands. So when @Anon Pink says some things are best left unmentioned, I would probably agree.
> 
> For example on another forum (rather tame) many many years ago on the internet I was talking to this woman who had separated from her husband and she had basically given up on sex and had no desire for it. But yet the fantasies were still there and she shared them with me, and it was some stuff that I could tell that while it excited her sexually at the same time it disturbed her to think about them, so she repressed her fantasies as well as her sexual appetite because she did not really like what was lurking around in her sexual subconscious mind. I can hear you thinking, well what was it?
> 
> ...


I've dated in the past with some pretty intense fantasies. For example one had one involving rape and another incest. In those cases I gained their trust to open up to me but there really wasn't a relationship on the line in case I was repulsed by what they said. In a marriage over 20 years, there obviously is. We have to live with each other after admitting to dark fantasies that we may have been intentionally hiding the whole time.
That being said, almost nothing she says would disgust or offend me at this point. I wouldn't necessarily condone acting upon it. Still, I understand that if the fantasy involves infidelity, the fantasy alone can one make one feel like perhaps they've been cheated on.
I like to think we've moved way beyond any such insecurities of such a thing and can understand that people can fantasize about things all they want. It's what they do and why that's the difference. It feels like now is the right time to open these things up.
I find it ironic that we can open up to strangers about fantasies but we can't tell our spouse, the one person we should be able to tell anything to.

Perhaps some things are left better unsaid. But if there's something in there that she'd like to entertain, I'd like to open that up. After thinking about it more, I'm still not sure how to approach this with her or if I really want to quite yet. I feel like we've a had a resurgence of intimacy and excitement and in our sex life (after a lull) and it's better to foster that then be disruptive. Perhaps all of this will come out in time under the right circumstances if at all. But I'm not going to push it.

I really appreciate all of the feedback people have given on this. It really helps me think it through. You've all given great advice.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Are you able to/have you shared your fantasies with her?
> If not, how do you think she would react to you opening up to her first?
> 
> The idea that popped into my mind was this. Plan a date night for the following weekend. Tell her that you are going on a fantasy date, that you will take care of everything, but that she has one required input. During the week, she needs to write on some index cards 5 sex fantasies she has had, or can think of that she would like to experience. (This way she has an out if her response would be "I don't fantasize" she can fall back on the something she would like to experience.)
> ...


Shared fantasies would be fun and that was kind of the whole point of all of this.

I'll give you an example. She was a cheerleader in HS an college. I jokingly told her I wanted her to put on her uniform and have sex with her, but there's no way she'd fit in it today. My fantasy / role play might be to get her a costume and do cheers for me and tease me. We might even role play somehow. That might be MY fantasy and I would hope she'd have fun with it too.

I wouldn't mind dressing up as a delivery man and having my way with her while her "husband isn't home" or something. That would be fine.

I really have no idea. But this is an excellent suggestion. Maybe I'll get the guts to suggest it sometime soon.
Really my goal is to let her know that if she has stuff up there in her head she's kept to herself this whole time, I'm asking her to share that with me. It doesn't have to actionable, but I want to know what's going on up there. Just knowing might would excite me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JamesTKirk said:


> Shared fantasies would be fun and that was kind of the whole point of all of this.
> 
> I'll give you an example. She was a cheerleader in HS an college. I jokingly told her I wanted her to put on her uniform and have sex with her, but there's no way she'd fit in it today. My fantasy / role play might be to get her a costume and do cheers for me and tease me. We might even role play somehow. That might be MY fantasy and I would hope she'd have fun with it too.
> 
> ...


Buddy I think this is more about your fantasies than hers.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy I think this is more about your fantasies than hers.


You couldn't be more wrong. This has nothing to do with my needs or desires except the goal of spicing things up and getting here more excited.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

Spicy said:


> Are you able to/have you shared your fantasies with her?
> If not, how do you think she would react to you opening up to her first?
> 
> The idea that popped into my mind was this. Plan a date night for the following weekend. Tell her that you are going on a fantasy date, that you will take care of everything, but that she has one required input. During the week, she needs to write on some index cards 5 sex fantasies she has had, or can think of that she would like to experience. (This way she has an out if her response would be "I don't fantasize" she can fall back on the something she would like to experience.)
> ...


I recently stumbled across an iPhone app called "Kindu: Intimacy Ideas for Couples." I completely forgot about it until just now. One of the features is "double blind match system that allows couples to only see matches they agree on."
As you can see from that feature description, it offers what appears to a be a safe way to share desires and find what matches. I think that takes away from the fear of judgement.
In addition to your wonderful suggestion, I might find a way to suggest she install the app and see what matches. That may be a great way to open up possibilities.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

James,
Very difficult stuff. The suggestion - to start doing different stuff.

There's raw dominance, which overlaps with aggression which overlaps with pain. 

M2 likes dominance and aggression. Isn't that much into pain. 

So maybe you give her a safe word - have her repeat it back to you. 

And then - a couple days later - you just take her. 

Here's the deal on that. If she fights you - but doesn't use the safe word - that's what she wants. Which is to fight and lose. 

But - and there is no right or wrong here. When we discussed the safe word I said two things:
- Safe word will produce instant cessation of aggression
- (rolled my eyes and added) But it is kind of like saying 'uncle'

She says - you mean like surrendering - or giving up

I said - You might think that, but I couldn't possibly comment





JamesTKirk said:


> I've dated in the past with some pretty intense fantasies. For example one had one involving rape and another incest. In those cases I gained their trust to open up to me but there really wasn't a relationship on the line in case I was repulsed by what they said. In a marriage over 20 years, there obviously is. We have to live with each other after admitting to dark fantasies that we may have been intentionally hiding the whole time.
> That being said, almost nothing she says would disgust or offend me at this point. I wouldn't necessarily condone acting upon it. Still, I understand that if the fantasy involves infidelity, the fantasy alone can one make one feel like perhaps they've been cheated on.
> I like to think we've moved way beyond any such insecurities of such a thing and can understand that people can fantasize about things all they want. It's what they do and why that's the difference. It feels like now is the right time to open these things up.
> I find it ironic that we can open up to strangers about fantasies but we can't tell our spouse, the one person we should be able to tell anything to.
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I think you are going to find some fun success my friend!! Buy her the cheerleader outfit and the poms!!! I'll cheer that one on!!!



JamesTKirk said:


> Shared fantasies would be fun and that was kind of the whole point of all of this.
> 
> I'll give you an example. She was a cheerleader in HS an college. I jokingly told her I wanted her to put on her uniform and have sex with her, but there's no way she'd fit in it today. My fantasy / role play might be to get her a costume and do cheers for me and tease me. We might even role play somehow. That might be MY fantasy and I would hope she'd have fun with it too.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As a rule of thumb, if your wife can't bring herself to share a fantasy and isn't terribly comfortable talking about sex, the cheerleader thing won't work. The cheerleader fantasy calls for your wife to step way out of HER comfort zone. So it might be best to do a fantasy that calls for YOU to step out of your norm.

Admission time: I am very bad at role play that calls for me to say anything. I giggle like a school girl and cannot keep a straight face. I've tried so many times and I'm just very bad at it. Meanwhile my H who is a tad on the repressed side is fantastic at role play. I mean this man can play any role and stay in character!

Moral of this story: Keep it simple.


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

I have similar issues in my marriage, but to simplify my sense of yours:
She needs a dis-inhibitor (alcohol) to loosen up. Fear/feeling unsafe
She wants variety and more passion but won't talk about it or describe it. Fear/feeling unsafe 
You want her to explore, become more excited, initiate more.
You're afraid of screwing up what is already pretty fulfilling for you. Fear/feeling unsafe
PART 1 - Start introducing sort-of sexual conversation-unrelated to her- during daily non-sexual times. There's plenty of examples here on TAM. Ask what she thinks most women feel the difference in between "groping" and "fondling". Or Trumps' wife trade-ups. Or sexual inuendo you observed at work; on TV; among friends. Or whatever happens to be the sexual topics are on the cover of women's magazines at the store this week. The more you share about sex generally- and the world doesn't come crashing down - the safer she'll feel about responding generally. 

PART 2 - Once she's responding generally - and this may take weeks - start sharing your own desires and feelings about sex - slowly. The goal here is keeping it safe for her. Don't ask for any response. Short share, then move on to today's schedule, or the shopping list or mow the lawn. Tell her how much you enjoy her excitement. Share a mild sexual secret about her you may never have told her before. 

Be a safe example to her of you sharing what you like. Gradually she'll learn and feel that un-alcoholed conversation about sex is safe, and that she is safe with you. Then and only then, maybe go back to following up on whatever you talked about in Part 1. Try to keep it light and fun, then see where it leads.


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